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1686242103-204,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Iliza Shlesinger: Confirmed Kills (2016) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-confirmed-kills-transcript/,"Chicago, are you ready? Party goblins, are you ready? Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Iliza! Chicago! Thank you! Thank you for having me. I’d like to discuss something with you. There are two kinds of hungover. There’s the kind of hungover where you wake up the next morning and you’re like, “What? I touched his penis over his jeans? It’s okay, I’m sassy.” And then… there’s the kind of hungover where whatever happened the night before wasn’t even your fault. Because you weren’t mentally present for any of it. For ’twas not you that was is charge. ‘Twas your party goblin! Yeah. Just so you know, your party goblin sleeps in the back of your brain. For those of you that are unfamiliar with my work, she sleeps in the back of your brain – and she waits… – on a pile of rags… and regrets… and old Tiger Beat magazines. She waits! For the perfect opportunity. She’s back there in your brain, sleeping her goblin sleep, just… Channing Tatum, stick of butter. And she will awaken… when she hears you say… “I guess I’ll just come out for one drink.” “I’ll just come out for one because I have to be up early.” Eat that sandwich out of the garbage and text your ex-boyfriend that you love him then turn your phone off! And by the way, there is zero culpability on the part of your party goblin. She’s not there the next morning like, “Oh, my God, are you okay? Do you need Pedialyte?” No! She doesn’t give a fuck. She straight up ghosts at, like, 3:00 a.m. when you’re shit-faced in the back of an Uber, right? You scooped yourself into the back of this car. Your crowing achievement of the evening is that you didn’t die. And we’ve all had that moment. Anybody that’s been out drinking, you’ve been out, it’s been loud, there’s been yelling, dancing, you stole an ambulance, it’s been a crazy night. We’ve all had that moment of solitary drunken serenity where you get in the back of the car and you shut the door and for the first time all night it’s quiet. And you think, “Oh, my God, I made it.” Followed by, “I’m gonna throw up.” And the car is going, you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” You’re trying to hold it in, right? You roll the window down. You’re like, “Agh! It’s too much air!” You roll the window back up. You’re like, “Too much me!” You crack the window. You’re like, “No!” The vomit’s coming up. It’s right here, like A1 Steak Sauce, it gets you here. You’re like, “Uhh!” You’re trying to focus on anything to distract you. You’re listening to the radio. For the first time ever, you’re paying attention to the words of a Pitbull song. You’re like… # Uno, dos, tres… # We get it! We get it! You look at party goblin, she’s loving it. She’s got her head out her window like… And you know it’s your party goblin that got you by the manner in which you wake up the next morning. If you wake up. If you wake up, Chicago. You wake up… When party goblin gets you, you wake up on your couch. Beds are for closers. You wake up on your couch, okay? You ever pass out on a pillow so hard, you get a cushion scar down the side of your face? And you wake up, no idea where you are, no idea where you were. You check your wrist, it’s just a dirty patchwork of entry stamps. Putting the pieces together from the night before is like the plot from Memento. No idea. You check your Instagram feed, it’s a blurry feed of pictures you took of your own face from this angle. It’s just me and three girls in a bathroom in East LA like, “Squad goals.” Who the fuck are they? I don’t know, but I think I’m in the gang now, right? No idea what you did the night before. We… I… You know when party goblin gets you by the amount that you sleep. I slept for 15 hours the other day. I slept so long, my muscles atrophied. Okay? I turned to fucking stone. You ever pass out with your full body weight on your hands, like… No blood in, no blood out. Your hands are just purple, bloated flippers. I slept so long, I almost died. Like, there was a point at around 4:00 p.m. where my soul was like, “Should I just go?” There’s different kinds of drunk. Some people think they get smarter when they’re drunk, some people wanna talk. The Latin phrase is in vino veritas, which means, “in wine, there’s truth,” which is why when girls get drunk, we’re always like, “Can I just tell you a secret?” “I don’t have a neck.” I don’t really make a lot of drunk mistakes but I worry when I make dumb decisions when I’m drunk for this simple fact. In my group of friends, I’m the alpha. I decide what we do. Obviously. I pick the restaurants, I pick the bars, mostly because no one cares, but I am the decision-maker. And what worries me is, if I’m doing stupid shit when I’m drunk, what hope do the sheep who I lead have… if that’s my example? So this is the story of one such night. So, we were out the other night and we were shit-canned. Like, the kind of drunk where you can’t even read. And then you realize it’s because… you’re in China Town. Actually, you know you’re fucked up when you’re in China Town and you can read. Ohhh! Ancient secrets, not so hidden. So… We’re drunk and we’re walking through China Town and we walk into a bar. I’m reticent to say that it’s a club because I’m 33, but there was a dance floor, a DJ and I had on a little body glitter, okay! You’re probably wondering, “Why are you wearing body glitter?” I will tell you, Chicago. Because my date was late to pick me up. Gentlemen! You need to know this about women. When we get ready, we have a list of things we do to reach our most attractive point. There is an apex, nay, a pinnacle of beauty… that women reach when they’re getting ready. And every minute you’re late to get us is one more minute we spend doubting ourselves, dicking with our makeup, and we get incrementally uglier… as time goes on. One time, my date was an hour late, I grew a tail. This guy was only 30 minutes late, thank God. He walks in, I’m on the ground, there’s caboodle shrapnel everywhere. I’ve got a Wet N Wild lip gloss wand, I’m like, “I’m a pretty girl!” “Save yourself.” But what happens is, we have time, so we start to add things, doubt ourselves. That’s where I found that glitter. “He’s not here. What’s this?” In hindsight, it wasn’t body glitter, it was straight-up craft glitter. But I was like, “I’m gonna put it on my face, make it dainty.” Do you ever feel that? Do you ever feel that you can make something work? Do you ever feel that because you’re not trashy, you can pull off doing something that’s trashy? You’re like, “I can wear fishnet stockings, I went to Stanford.” Like it’s okay for some reason. That’s how I felt about that body glitter. I was like, “I’ll just do a little bit. I’ll do a classy amount. I’m just gonna do a little bit.” Fun fact, you know what body glitter up close looks like? Conjunctivitis. Like, real up close. “I’ll do a little.” Five minutes later, “Maybe just highlight the orbital rim. That way when we’re dancing, the light will hit it and it’ll be like, ‘Bing, anime! Ah!’ Keep going. Keep going.” Five more minutes later, “Maybe I’ll bring a little bit down here and highlight the jawbone so he knows I, what, come from good chewing stock?” Five more minutes later, sparkle fish! So now… I look like a goddamn road flare and we’re in public. So… We walk into this bar and one of the difficult parts about being a woman, besides everything, is that… It’s really hard. Is that you’re constantly battling with yourself. In the long run, we’re battling our weight, hair color, wrinkles. Minute to minute, it’s just an adjustment of your hair and your bra and your underwear and your makeup and your mustache, braid it, bead it, set it. You’re always doing something. Because if one thing is off, then the night is ruined, Scott, okay? One time, I left my house without mascara on. I did a U-turn on a four-lane highway. Like, “No!” “They will see the whites of my eyes!” Everything has to be perfect. And guys, it’s exhausting. It’s exhausting being a girl. Did you know, fun scientific fact that I made up on the way here, that women get four minutes out of every night, four minutes out of every night where our brain sends a message to our body saying, “Everything’s okay, stop messing with it”? Four minutes out of every night where your brain sends a message to your body like, “Homeostasis achieved.” You’re like… And the rest of the time, it’s just mayhem! Everything has to be perfect. So, we walk into this bar, my first thought… “I gotta fix my lip liner. Now!” I’m not even a big lip liner wearer, but in that moment, ’twas everything. In that moment, I believed fixing my lip liner is what stood between me and eternal happiness, okay? I had to take a liner, I had to find my liner and line my chola lips, okay? That’s what I had to do. So glad that got a response. In North Carolina, nothing. Okay. Had to fix my lip liner, had to be right then. To the gentlemen in the room, I don’t expect you to understand the urgency with which I had to fix my lip liner. The only thing I could liken it to in male culture is, like… when you feel you have to adjust your balls. Similar immediacy. As we’ve seen, unfortunately. When you feel that’s gotta happen, it’s gotta happen now! Go! Go! Go! In front of children, Christmas Eve, family portrait, messing with my dick. # Messing with my dick in public # Wahoo! # It’s a dick puzzle and I’m solving it now # # Maximum comfort at any cost # # This is my right, Nancy, get off my back # So… So many guys right now have to adjust. They’re like, “I’m not gonna do it!” I believe that’s what Elvis was doing. Makes sense. Needed my liner. Now you understand that I needed it, guys, okay? Needed the fucking liner. That means I had to find the liner in my bag. However, I had a big bag. There’s a very specific way that women will search for something when we have a big bag. What do you do? You take a designated search claw… and you plunge it. Never breaking eye contact with your prey, I mean your date. Notice I haven’t blinked, Chicago. Dedication acting. The constant eye contact being a reminder that, yes, I can multitask and keep talking. I’ll make a great partner. Marry me. Meanwhile, to the outside world, it looks like you’re wrestling with a very small bass. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. Still haven’t blinked. If you’re a pro, you keep conversation moving. “I’m listening. Keep talking. Keep talking. I can look and listen. Say FanDuel one more time, motherfucker. I’m listening.” You’re digging around in there. Meanwhile, as a woman, you’re having to come to terms with the seventh layer of hell that is the bottom of your bag. It’s just a graveyard of dismembered pens, there’s coins. Why is there always a Nature’s Valley granola bar crumbled… at the bottom? You stick your hand down, you come up with oats between your fingernails. You’re like, “Ow! Ow!” Digging around. A gym lock, a phone charger, a concealer without its lid. Why? Why can’t we make them with retractable lids that don’t break off? Because you stick your hand down there, unknowingly you come up with one creamy finger. You’re like, “No!” “No!” But it was expensive, so you’re like, “No!” So now you look amazing. Keep looking, keep looking. Bits of paper. A sock. Keep looking. Tampon out of its wrapper. Maybe I keep it. No, I’ll get sick. Digging around. If it’s out of the wrapper, don’t keep it. Sometimes it’s like, “I’ll just…” Don’t blow on it and… You’re gonna get dysentery, you’ll never finish the Oregon Trail. Seven or eight seconds go by, I cannot find my lip liner. Seven or eight seconds go by, which in girl years is, like, forever, I cannot find my lip liner. So, what’s a logical thing to do? Maybe use the other hand to add to the search, right? To aid in the excavation. Maybe get a cellular device to illuminate the situation. Not me! I dropped to my knees on a dance floor, dumped out the bag and start sifting through it like Helen Keller learning how to spell water. Fun fact. Girls, if you wanna let people around you know that you’re absolutely not on the same mental playing field as them, a great way to do it, I found, is to dump our personal property onto a shared communal space, because that immediately lets other bar-goers know, “I don’t give a fuck!” “Where is it?” This body language, this body language, this feral-raccoon-like body language… was enough to alert the door guy. You’re a door guy at a busy nightclub, you’ve got a lot to deal with. However, he found my witch over a cauldron behavior… threatening enough to leave his post, flashlight in hand, and walk up to me. He was a big guy. He was, like, six-eight, black guy, good-looking. I had to say he was good-looking. Because I said he was black. Seems to be the face of thinly-veiled political correctness in our country, if you say someone’s color, other than white, you must assign them an accolade, deserved or otherwise, to prove that you’re not racist, when in the first place, I wasn’t fucking racist, I was giving you an accurate depiction of the events that transpired. I didn’t see his face! Dude had a flashlight in my eye! I can tell you this much. Black, white or other, there’s no way he was hot. He’s six-eight. They get weird-looking after a certain height, okay? Structurally, it gets weird. Okay. I am not wrong. #IAmNotWrong Okay, so… It’s true. There’s no hot giants. So he Shreks up to me… And I feel his presence and I see the ball of light and I hear his voice and he goes, “Everything a’ight over here?” Fucking no, dude, everything is most definitely not a’ight. I’m on the floor. I don’t exist on this plane. Fun fact about being on the floor. As an adult, when you choose to take it to this place, you lose all credibility. Nobody wants to hear the prerogative of someone on the floor. If you have to crane your neck up to explain yourself, you are fucked, okay? You don’t believe me? You ever tried to get the life story of someone sitting on a curb? No. Because they were sitting on a fucking curb and you didn’t wanna talk to them. They were someone who’s drunk, on a lot of meth or like a really pissed off bridesmaid just waiting for the service to be over. But now I’m on the floor and I’m nervous because that’s an authority figure and in my head I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I’m gonna go a bar jail.” “What if they repossess my wedges?” But I was drunk and in my head I’m like, “It’s cool. Be smart. Explain what you’re doing. Whatever you do, Iliza, just sound intelligent.” Instead, what came out of my mouth was, “I gotta find my lip liner, man!” And… what I feel he understood, nay respected, nay… Neigh. Resonated with wasn’t that I had to find my lip liner. What I feel he understood was the sheer amount of white-girl crazy… coming out from behind my eye. Because he then gave me the international verbal sign for, “I respect you and fear you, I’m going to back off,” which is… “A’ight, then.” And he just walked away. I never found my lip liner. It was, like, in my other bag. I didn’t like that experience. I didn’t like being on the floor. And I didn’t like being on the floor for a very specific reason. As a woman, I didn’t need a reminder of how vulnerable women are on a day-to-day basis. Being on the floor, it’s a very vulnerable place. I didn’t need that reminder. And women in our society are vulnerable by virtue of the fact that we are physically not as strong as men. That’s the root of the issue, that’s the root of the oppression. And that’s the root of oppression of any side of war throughout history. One side was stronger, they get to make the rules. Do you think for a second that if women were physically stronger than men we would’ve waited for the right to vote? It’s 1910, some jacked-up housewife is just putting up weight in her garage. She’s got a shaker of horse testosterone and creatine. Her little husband comes in, he’s like, “You’re not voting.” She’d be like… “Out of the way, Jedediah.” “Mama’s going to the polls.” It’s physical strength, that’s the root of the issue. Physical strength. And they try to placate women. They try to tell us we’re other types of strong. Sure. But none that matter as much as physical strength. “Well, you’re a woman, so… mentally strong.” Mentally strong. You put up with him all day, huh?” Pfft! Mentally strong. Mentally strong? What do I do with that? Mentally strong. What do I do when a rapist runs at me? Math? It’s physical strength. Physical strength is what counts when it comes to protecting yourself and women are only naturally physically super-human strong when it comes to two things. The first is a recent one, and that’s CrossFit, which… It’s enough, by the way. It’s a cult. Okay? It’s insane. It goes… Scientology, CrossFit, people without celiac disease that don’t eat gluten. It’s a cult, okay? It’s enough. “I can deadlift 600 pounds.” Cool. What Starbucks do you work at? What are you… Guard a village. Join up. What are you doing with that muscle, all the horse meat? The workouts that they’re doing, it’s all snake oil, I believe, okay? Push-ups, sit-ups, pull-ups, the foundations of a military workout, these are applicable in the rest of your life. Instead, they’ve got a father of six at 7 a.m. flipping a monster truck tire? Why? When do you need that? When do you need to know the form for that? What post-apocalyptic gorilla playground… are you gonna find yourself in? Why don’t we give you an empty suitcase to throw around your cage, Peaches? And the rope thing. There are other ways to build up your pectoral muscles. Men have been doing it for centuries. Instead they’ve got you using a rope. When are you gonna use that? “Timmy’s stuck down by the dock under some boat rope!” “I got it!” And the only time that women are naturally, exceptionally physically strong is when it comes to childbirth. And that’s amazing. Yes. It’d be amazing if those were all men with, like, really high-pitched voices. It’s an amazing amount of super-human strength that unfairly women only get to tap into when they’re having a baby. You only get to tap into that super-human strength once, maybe twice a year, but that second baby’s gonna be very tiny. You only get to use it then. That’s a disproportionate amount of strength. Mother Nature is playing a cruel joke on us. Do you know how many pounds of pressure per square snootch inch it takes to deliver a baby? We’re not even using our hands! You’re like python-like digesting a goat. “Get out of there!” Using fucking grit and rage and, like, a mother’s love, but just, “Aghh!” Sparta! Just fucking going. You can do that with your body, yet the rest of the year, we have trouble not doing push-ups on our knees. That doesn’t seem fair. We’re only exceptionally strong when it comes to children. We have something called mama bear strength. So that means when your child is in danger, your child, someone else’s child, “Sorry, junior.” Your child… “Lift the piano off your legs yourself, okay, I’m not your mama.” When your child is in danger, in that moment, through adrenaline, you can develop super-human strength and save the baby. So if your child is trapped under a car, you can go ahead and flip that Buick like an orangutan, no problem. Yet if you’re a single girl walking alone on a Saturday night and some maniac runs at you, what’s your defense? Like, “No, two plus two is four.” We’re millennials, we’d probably use our phone calculators. That’s why sexual harassment is such a big deal. It really has less to do with the disgusting thing a man feels he has the right to yell at you out of van or a truck. Never out of a Civic for some reason. But for the girls that might not know, you can wear whatever you want. It doesn’t give someone the right to treat you like an animal. You can wear whatever you want. You can leave the house out naked. You will go to jail, but you can do whatever you want. But it has less to do with what a man is yelling at you, and nobody wants to say this, but I will, what it has to do with is the underlying notion that if that man wanted to act on it, he could. And if you don’t believe me, every girl knows what it’s like, a guy yells something disgusting at you, and because you’re strong, you yell back. He’s like, “Nice tits.” You’re like, “Fuck off!” Immediately followed by, “What if he kills me?” Like, there’s that moment. Hoping to God that your bark was big enough that you don’t have to take a lady bite. Being sexually harassed is the worst. I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. Being sexually harassed by an ugly guy is the worst. If he’s hot, it’s just plain old flirting. No one’s ever been like, “Get away from me, you model!” That’s fine. It has to do also with an unrequited, uninvited sexual energy. And women are very aware of that. Every woman in here knows what it feels like to have a guy’s eyes on you when you find him attractive. It’s the best feeling. When you see hot guys and you walk by, you’re like, “Hope they’re looking at my butt. I feel so good about my little haunches.” When the dudes are gross and you walk by, you’re like, “Please don’t look at my butt, please don’t look at my butt.” Having someone sexually harass you, it’s their energy on you. It feels like you’re getting shot with a dick gun. That’s what it feels like. Minding your own business, like, “I love being an independent woman.” “Nice tits!” “Agh!” Aw, he got a boner for free. Women have to think about these things. It’s hard being a girl. I haven’t been a guy in, like, a while, but it is difficult. And we’re constantly questioning ourselves and we’re constantly being told that what we feel is wrong and how we look is wrong. And we tell it to little girls and it sticks with us. Take a man and a woman shopping. Nothing will fit because fashion is the enemy, for sure. But nothing will fit the woman for negative reasons and nothing will fit the guy for positive reasons. Take a woman shopping, “Nothing fits, my arms are fat, my thighs are big, I’m fucking gross, I hate my body.” Take a guy shopping, an average man of average build, five-ten, 170, “Nah, I can’t buy off the rack because my shoulders are so abnormally broad. I’m tall. For my height, my waist tapers at such an Adonis-like angle.” My dick is so girthy, I can only wear JNCOs.” “It’s hard for me.” These are good things. Women are told to change. It’s okay if men are the same. That’s why we have stereotypes. That’s why you’ve got the stereotype of your Grandpa, “I sit in my chair, I drink my beer, I’ve got the remote, I fought in Korea, don’t fucking talk to me,” right? “I’m not moving, you move!” Women aren’t like that, right? What do women do? “I’m taking a class.” Love classes. “I’m learning more about Cheryl.” “I’m meeting Cindy for the first time.” There’s two women in this monologue. I’m two different women, it’s fine. “I’m learning to breathe. I’m getting a sense of myself. I’m canning. I’m canning my own beets.” For no reason. I live in the middle of a city. I just thought I wanted to connect. I’m canning my own shit now. I take it, put it in there, I let it solidify, I make jewelry, I sell it on Etsy. It’s nice pocket money.” “I’m learning about myself. I’m learning to breathe. I’m cutting my own hair.” “I’m learning to make my own tea, putting the hair in the tea, I drink my hair.” Changing. We always wanna change a little bit, right? Always wanna lose a little bit of weight. No matter what your body looks like. “I just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” We think that’s the answer. “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds.” “Just wanna lose, like, five pounds before lunch.” “So I can have more lunch.” Because we think being skinny is the answer, right? It’s not even enough to be skinny, is it? It’s not even enough to be thin, is it? You have to be the thinnest out of your friends, who you hate. You don’t believe me? Look at any Instagram picture of more than four women. It’s a fucking pose-off. Dudes don’t care. They’ll turn around like gorillas mid-meal. “Take the picture, I don’t care. Fucking…” Girls, it’s like a Mr. Universe, like, “Fucking line up! Line up! Make it pointy! Concave! Make it fucking pointy! Kisses. Neck vein. Look at the motherfucking neck vein. Hamstring. Happy birthday, Stacey.” It’s not enough to just be thin, right? You wanna be the kind of thin where your friends… are worried for you. So thin. Horrible looking. Stalking around Gap Kids. “I wear a youth large, thank you.” Right? Fucking femur for days. Right? Mr. Peanut Legs coming out six seconds ahead of you. Like an R. Crumb comic book thinner, right? Just walking around, baby stegosaurus spine. Clothes hanging like moss off a willow tree. A fucking clavicle you can serve soup out of. Yeah! So happy! I like my body, but I always… Everybody wants to change something, right? I just wanted have shoulders that were so frail and tiny, little bird shoulders. Do they even have shoulders? No, it’s just… That’s what I want, I want no shoulders. I want the kind of shoulders where my bra strap just falls down. Just floppy hair. “Ohh. Whoops.” Men love it. They love it. They go crazy. One strap… Because it’s one less thing they gotta do, right? It’s not my fault I think that’s attractive. You see it on lingerie ads in magazines. The women are on the bed, bra strap. Men love vulnerability and that’s what that represents. “Not me, I like a strong woman.” Bullshit. Vulnerability. “Help me. Open this jar. Please help me.” They love it. What does the bra strap down represent? You’re not supported. When your tits are flopping around, you can’t run away. Yeah! I want that. I want that bone structure, right? I wanna have those shoulders. I wanna look like the girl on the cover of the playbill for Les Mis. Just… “Oh, monsieur!” It’s a ten-year-old French girl. Still, I want those bones. They do, men love vulnerability, right? That’s why the thin thing is the thing. That’s why women are expected to be… You can’t have a baby if you’re this big. That’s why we have to be… garden party. Like that kind of thin. Because if women are thin, there’s no nutrition, so you’re cold, you don’t leave the house, you don’t vote. Yeah! That’s why every model has that vulnerable look. That’s why models look like you uncovered a refugee from under a manhole cover. “Ohhh! Gucci.” They love vulnerability. And we do things to make ourselves vulnerable. Strong women are told to tone it down, right? But men are told to toughen up. We don’t let men be vulnerable. That’s not fair. But I can’t help you because I’m a girl and I can only fight one fight at a time. If you wanna come to my green room and cry after, I will… laugh at you. But, no… But we tell strong women to bring it down, right? High heels? Why do you wear high heels? So you what? Can’t run from your attacker. Good. Smoky eye makeup? Why does that make sense? What are you doing? You take the makeup, grind it into your eye. Why is that attractive? I figured it out. Smoky eye makeup makes you look like you what? Just choked on a dick and cried. Good. I am not wrong. It’s a little off-brand for me. I am not wrong. It’s not enough to be thin ever! You gotta be gaunt to the point of extinction. The kind of thin where it’s like, “What up, bitches? Find me.” That kind of thin. Maybe I’m being unfair. Maybe it’s a cultural thing. I can only truly speak from the perspective of what I am. I’m an upper-middle-class white woman. Hope I die that way. And the expectation of being thin has been put on us for about 100 years. That’s been the look. The like… “Uhh, come, have some tea. Yes, these jeans are high. That’s not weird.” We like that look. And that’s a hard look to achieve. Some women die trying to be thin. And it was only in the last… forty years that women of color and women of other ethnicities rose to prominence and made it socially acceptable, nay attractive, to have the body of a grown woman. Jennifer Lopez came out of nowhere with the backside of a brontosaurus, like… “Que paso?” And it became attractive. And somewhere, with everybody having an agenda in our social conversation, it became okay to tell white girls to their faces, “You’re fat. Kill yourself.” Bullying us on Facebook. Because you’re white, so life must be easy. Which, I’m not gonna lie, it’s great. Being white is great. But… It became okay to say that because we are not spicy, right? White women don’t have a fire in them. There’s not a chili pepper here. Inside here is a scoop of Breyer’s vanilla bean ice cream. And we’ll take it. Your boyfriend tells you you’re fat, we’ll be like, “I’m sorry, Chad, please don’t get out of the kayak.” “We’re gonna have an afternoon. I brought Jenga.” You know who has an unshakeable sense of self-esteem? Black women. You… Yes! You cannot tell a sister on her something isn’t working. She won’t believe it. Try it. Say to a black girl, “I don’t like those jeans.” First of all, I dare you. It will not rattle her for a second. Be like, “I don’t like those jeans.” She’ll be like, “Bullshit. I see you looking.” Girls, if you want respect, you’re gonna have to take it. It’s 2016. Let’s learn math, let’s learn science, let’s drop the body issues, okay? Don’t let anybody make you feel less than. Your bodies are perfect as they are. And if you want respect, you have to command respect, not demand it. Two totally different things. Commanding respect is in the actions, it’s the way that we speak about each other, it’s the way that you speak about yourself. If your whole agenda is to be sexual, and confusing being sexual with empowerment, and talking about fucking and sex all the time, thinking that that’s the reason that women are empowered, you’re fucking wrong. It comes with the way you treat yourself. Don’t call each other whores. Don’t call each other sluts. Because when you do that, society looks at you and they say, “Oh, it’s okay to talk to women that way.” You teach people how to treat you. Let’s get rid of the phrase “walk of shame.” What is that one? What is walk of shame? I don’t understand that. I’ve never had a walk of shame. What could that be? Walk of shame. What’s there to be shameful about? What’s the shame in the fact that he and I went out, we had the same amount of vodka, he got too drunk to get it up, so he passed out, then I used his credit card to buy $100 worth of Chinese and stole his golf clubs? Walk of shame! We’re starting from behind here, girls, we’ve gotta say smarter things. From now on… Let’s make a pact. From now on, I don’t wanna hear any more women talk about how they wanna be… mermaids. Okay? Okay? It’s stupid. And I’m not trying to be a bitch, but it’s probably not gonna happen for you. Okay? Literally, you don’t have the bone structure. What worries me, I see it a lot and it’s not from children, it’s grown women, like, “I don’t wanna be adult any more. I wanna be a mermaid.” You… The amount of escapism that’s in that sentence! You wanna move to the woods, you wanna make jam, fine. At least you’re still paying taxes. You wanna be a mermaid? That means all of your achievements in life are gonna lead to you being a fictional fuck toy for a horny sailor. That’s what you want? That’s what mermaids are! Read a book! Because I see it a lot. T-shirts, right? “I am a mermaid.” “Yo soy mermaid.” “Je suis mermaid.” Let’s discuss the logistics… of being a mermaid, so that you have the information. If and when the job opportunity presents itself on LinkedIn… you can make an informed decision, okay? If you are a mermaid, you don’t sleep. Girls are like, “Oh, my God, I love sleeping.” “None for you. Just swim.” It’s chugging Mountain Dew Code Red. There are no beds, but there is Mountain Dew Code Red. You’re some white-trash jacked-up mermaid just swimming, swimming. And by the way, you don’t have fins. Remember, you’re half-human. So you’ve got arms. You’ve got these thick-ass traps, just swimming. You can’t stop swimming, because if you do, something will try to eat you, fuck you or kill you, okay? It’s not dissimilar to being a woman in a downtown area. So just swimming, swimming. Now, you’re swimming all day, you’re probably pretty hungry, right? How are you gonna catch food? Remember, you’re half-human. We don’t have animal-catching accoutrements, like claws and tentacles and lasers. We don’t have those kind of things. We have big brains. So I don’t know what you’re gonna do. Maybe talk a crab to death. Like, “Excuse me. Excuse me.” I was thinking of double majoring in psychology and communications. Excuse me. Excuse me. Are you a cancer?” So now… you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’re like, “I don’t care because I’m gonna lay on the beach like a mermaid.” No, you won’t. Sailors are gonna try to fuck you and the Japanese will definitely try to eat you just for funsies, okay? You’re swimming around like, “I don’t care because I’ll have long, flowing hair.” No, you won’t. You ever go in the ocean? You guys aren’t on an ocean, you’re on a lake. You’re a lake mermaid? What are you, half trout? Kill yourself. Ohh! Freshwater mermaid? What if you got, like, the weird end of the genetic pool and you were half turtle? No tail but just half… “Long flowing mermaid hair.” You’re not gonna have that. You ever go in the water when there’s waves? You won’t have long flowing hair. You’re going to have one giant mer-dread. And it’s just gonna follow you. It’s just one big old mer-lock and it’s getting caught on propellers, it’s getting caught on anchors. There’s sea lice living in your mer-dread because that’s a warm, hospitable environment. Then there’s fish feeding off those sea lice. There’s an entire sustainable maritime ecosystem attached to your fucking head. You drag it around. Sea lice are nipping at your scalp. You gotta get rid of it, right? You’re like, “I’ll just cut it off.” Ain’t no scissors in the ocean, all right? I don’t care what the Little Mermaid told us because she was a liar and a hoarder. Hoarder! We let it go because she was pretty, but she was super-gross. # Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? # That’s a used toothbrush. Don’t put it in your… Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! You’re gonna get sick! Still gotta get rid of that mer-dread because it’s a hazard, so what do you do? You have to get another fish to help you. You have to do what they do in the animal kingdom. You must what? You must what? Who here took marine biology? You have to what? Form a symbiotic relationship with other marine life. Good. And have that fish… come in with his fish tooth and just saw off your mer-dread, right? It’s gonna be bad-looking. But now, remember, you gotta pay that fish back. That’s the nature of a symbiotic relationship, you must reciprocate. How you gonna pay that fish back? You ain’t got no money, shell-tits. I hate to say it, but the only thing you have… is fish sex and I don’t know if you have a vagina because I’m not an ichthyologist and I don’t know how fish work. I should’ve looked it up before the taping but I’m just trying to tell you some jokes and I think I’ve done a pretty good job. You know what fish do? They poop. You’ve got a fish butt. So think about that. So. So now you’re swimming around, you’re hungry, you’re tired, you’ve got a fucked-up haircut, you’re like a little sore, you’re like… “I don’t care. I’m gonna be a mermaid. I’m gonna swim. Because I will swim like a mermaid.” Let’s remember how mermaids allegedly, because they are not real, swim. They swim… like dolphins. Hey, ladies, do you love ab day at the gym? Well, that’s your fucking life, sister! “37. 38.” Just trying to get through. Your entire existence is that of an R. Kelly backup dancer. Just swimming through the nineties. So, you can be a mermaid or you can always get a job in front of a used car dealership. No mermaids. We can do better. No mermaids. I worry for women. I worry for men. I worry for our country. Is anybody else really worried for our country? So I’m worried… And by the way, I am very proud to be an American and I love my country very much and I want the best for it. There’s no joke, it’s just a statement. I love being an American. What I’m scared for… What I’m scared about aren’t so much the nightmares clawing at our front and back doors, both politically, foreign, domestic, economical, ecological, whatever. What I’m scared about is the fact that, like, my generation is supposed to be grown-up and mature now. I represent the millennials. Perhaps you’ve seen our Instagram pages. Yeah, we cheer for ourselves. We’re the worst. I will say this as the Lorax of my generation, mustache, we… didn’t ask to be spoiled. Our parents loved us and they gave us everything. That’s the job of the generation prior, to give the next generation a better world than they had. So I’m gonna apologize to my grandkids for the radioactive ball of foil and Diet Coke that they’re gonna inherit from us. But that’s what the people before you do. And I believe that this wave of entitlement started with our grandparents. Our grandparents were called the greatest generation, and I believe that they were. They selflessly gave and they made this country the idea of America that a lot of us miss. White people. The rest of us, it was horrible for most of them. But in general… The main points of it, okay? Your grandparents had to fight. They had no choice. Grandpa had to fight in World War II. Grandpa was straight-up drizafted, okay? He had no choice. And when he came home from the war, all he wanted to do was have a family, have a job, be a little racist and live the American dream, that’s it. He fought, he got right to work. It’s not like guys today who’d be like, “Oh, I just wanna backpack around Oregon and find myself.” No! And they’re allowed to say that because, whether you like them or not, our military does such a good job of defending us on a day-to-day basis. And I know that TSA blows. But they do such a good job that you’re allowed to mentally check out. Like, if you don’t like the war going on right now, unlike it on Facebook. You’re allowed to do that. There was no concerted effort. You didn’t have to fight. My point is, there was no day we all gathered in our town squares and threw our iPhones into the center so the military could use the scrap metal. “What’s this? A droid? Take it back, freak.” We didn’t have that. I think it’s difficult to conceive of a world where you have to sacrifice so much and to understand what our grandparents did because now they’re old, and when you think old, what do you think? Cute, right? Your grandparents are cute because they’re tiny, shrinking. Pick them up, put them down, they don’t like it, sprinkle water, “Get it off me.” And the whiter you are, the greater a chance there is that you’ve developed some weird prerogative kitten-like nickname for your grandfather. Oh, it’s not Grandpa anymore, it’s like, “This is my Nim-Nam.” “This is my Yippers.” “This is my Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop doesn’t give a fuck. He’s like, “I was a prisoner of war for six years, call my Pip-Pop, I’ve had worse.” “Oh, my God, you guys, my Pip-Pop is so cute. Oh, my God, Pip-Pop, he’s so cute, you guys. Sometimes at Christmas, when Pip-Pop falls asleep, we like to decorate him with Christmas bows. Isn’t that funny? Silly Pip-Pop.” Pip-Pop’s got 53 confirmed kills! Don’t think for a second Pip-Pop doesn’t remember how to repurpose that Christmas bow around your neck to get the intel that he needs out of you. “Sit the fuck down, Colton, Caleb, Ashton, Crashton, Crandon, whatever your fucking hipster name is, sit down!” Pip-Pop came home from the war and then they had our parents. Our parents are called the baby boomers because Pip-Pop came home from Normandy and he was like, “I’m not dead. Boom, Gladys, let’s fuck.” And then… The baby boomers, ask your parents, were the first generation that were allowed to be artists on a mass scale. You didn’t have to work on your family business, you could take drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, you could do and be what you wanted to be in the big city. The baby boomers had generation X. I don’t care about them because I’m a millennial. We showed up, got a trophy for breathing and then we invented Instagram. What’s insane about Instagram is this. We use hashtags, right? Hashtag, formerly known as the pound sign. She got a makeover. What’s weird about a hashtag… is this. The more hashtags there are under a posted picture on Instagram, the less likely the last hashtag is gonna have anything to do… with that posted picture. You got more than four hashtags under your picture, you are witnessing a human thought process devolve. By the end, it’s just word association. Free word association. Bunch of people on the beach, Fourth of July, right? “Fuck, yeah! #FourthBitches #Fourth #BeachDay #BDay #lndependenceDay #lndependentWoman #Beyonce” Yes! “#Blessed #IPayMyBills #BikiniBody #BeachBody #BoutThatLife #DontNeedAMan #DontWantAMan #NeverHadAMan #SometimesToFeelAHumanEmotion ILikeToDrinkMyOwnHair… What? What? What? Say something. Talking about? And then, because we’re so hard on women, we’re mean to women when they’re proud of their bodies on Instagram. We only allow women to post pictures when they’re a work in progress, right? “Keep it going.” If you’re ever like, “This is as good as it gets, fucking check it out!” it’s like, “You whore. You showy fucking bitch.” So instead of empowering women and letting them be proud of themselves, women have to shroud their pride in misdirect hashtags. So you’ve got a generation of girls proud of their bodies in a bathroom like this, and rather than be like, “#CheckOutMyBodyImSoHappyWithMyself,” instead she’s like, “#CheckOutTheGroutWorkOnTheseTiles.” Who’s looking at that? I broke up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever dated someone who is… so pretty… but so stupid? Notice, it’s girls cheering. All the guys are like, “Yeah, I brought her here. Keep it moving!” “I don’t wanna get in a fight!” So, men can do that. Women really can’t. And the reasoning isn’t because men are dicks, there’s nothing like that, it has to do with the wiring of our brains. Men are visually stimulated, women, unfortunately, are cerebrally stimulated. Men are visual creatures. They have to be attracted to a woman before they can get to know how amazing she is inside. They have to be… A dude will date a Popsicle stick if it’s got a wig. Like, it doesn’t matter. That’s why it’s tough, because you wanna be a feminist, like, “I don’t have to get ready for a man,” but that’s what they’re attracted to. Just the littlest bit. Everybody’s got that one girlfriend that’s like, “I don’t get it. I volunteer and I rescue animals and I’m very sweet.” It’s like, “Yeah, but you’re so ugly so you have to… Just brush the hair! Just, anything! One tooth.” You don’t have to have it out there. He cannot check out your personality from across the room. That’s all I’m saying. No man has ever done that. No man has ever seen a woman who’s sitting there nibbling on her nubs with, like, a gill… and walked up and been like, “Excuse me, you’re hideous, but you look like you might enjoy Tom Clancy, light nipple play and barbecue. Is that true?” And women do stuff to make themselves physically attractive. Even if you’re not trying that hard, most of the stuff we do is just to get men’s attention. Shiny hair. Why is your hair shiny? It makes you look fertile. Thanks, Pantene. But that’s why. There’s no reason to have it shiny other than to get attention. You’re not, like, deflecting a car light when you’re running. Big eyes. “Look at me! My lips look like a vagina and my boobs look like a butt and my butt looks like boobs. I’m a Mrs. Potato Head. Mate with me!” You may not like it, but I’m not wrong. Women are cerebrally stimulated. That’s why we say the number one thing we look for in a man is a conversation. “Someone I can talk to. Sense of humor.” I have dated gutter goblins who were just, like, really funny and smart. “I just wanna talk to him. It’s sexy. I just want someone I can talk to. At. Just sit there and breathe, Steve.” We need that back and forth. We have to be able to talk. And it’s something that we need, and yet we’re chastised for it. You ever been called a “chatty Cathy”? By an idiot, but still, ever been called that? “A couple of girls just yipping away, huh? She’ll talk your ear off. Bunch of giblets in a henhouse.” No-one says giblets in a hen… That means the chicken’s already dead. Women are always chastised for talking a lot. The reason women talk goes back thousands of years. The reason women talk a lot, have a proclivity for speaking… Mm! Is when men would go out and hunt and fight and get animals, otherwise known as hunting… “Go get an animal.” Women stayed behind… And we raised the kids and we made food. And because the world wasn’t really a thing yet, we exchanged survival secrets. We would tell each other things like, “Oh, don’t eat that berry, it’ll make your husband’s dick fall off.” “Don’t wipe with that leaf, I found in my studies that it really hurts your vagina.” You had to exchange this information to keep your tribe alive. Now, that’s devolved to, “What color lip gloss?” but it’s the exchange of information. Girls gather and then share. So guys, when we’re talking and it bothers you, just know we’re trying to make it so your dick doesn’t fall off! That’s what we’re doing. Trying to help you! Trying to help you live! Nothing wrong with it. I’ll say it. I’m a feminist. You know what? I’ll say it for the women that don’t know to say it. And you might not be comfortable with it. Because a lot of women are like, “I love being a woman, but I’m not a feminist.” What are you, a horse? Like, what are the other options? Let me clarify it… for the men and the women who might not have a clear idea. Being a feminist means you just wanna be treated fairly, you just want it even, no more, no less. Maybe like a little bit more. You just wanna get the same. And a lot of women don’t like to say they’re feminists because they don’t think it sounds attractive, right? Which is inherently an issue in and of itself. Because men think feminist, they have a bad idea of it. Guys think of some square-jawed broad with three chin hairs and a power suit, like, “I’m gonna kick you in the dick and take your job!” That’s not what we want. We just want it even. If we’re gonna be feminists, let’s start with something fun. Wage gap, gotta close that. But let’s start with something everybody wants to deal with. Yeah, for sure. Duh! Let’s start with porn. Because even if you’re a woman and you love being a porn star, it’s still you taking it for, like, three hours, you’re getting paid 30 percent less and he’s actually getting off, so let’s make some feminist porn. Let’s see a porn where a girl kicks a door in, like… “Who wants to lick it? Line up! Go!” Go! Next! Go! Beat your best time. Go!” That’s so gross. So off-brand. So gross. Now, all the girls are cheering, because in theory, that’s empowering. But in practice, horrific. That would be horrible. No woman could withstand that. Halfway through the second guy, we’d all be like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay!” “It’s sensitive! I need a minute!” “I just need a minute! I just need a minute. Don’t hug me. I’m not mad, I just need a minute.” “Why don’t you go order us a pizza? I’ll fire up my Pinterest page.” Let me ask you a question. This is for the girls in the audience. This is a very real question, very real statement. Have you ever been… Have you ever been having sex with your boyfriend and you’re not into it, like, obviously, and then all of a sudden, you start to get really excited? Not so much from physical stimulation, but because mentally you’re like… “This is almost done.” And when it is done… we shall go to the farmers market!” You plan out the whole day. Guys, you have to make sure her head is in the game, no pun intended, but, like, pun intended for sure. I don’t think we check in with each other enough as opposite sexes. Men think because she’s making noises they hear in movies, she’s enjoying it. Women are like, “I’m making noises, let’s fucking get it over with.” If you care about the girl, you gotta make sure she’s getting what she wants. And girls, the best thing you can do, if you have great sex, the best thing you can do the second sex is over is… not talk to him. Sounds horrible. It’s actually to your benefit. That’s not your boyfriend lying next to you. That is a husk of a man… depleted of all bodily fluids… incapable of giving you the answer you deserve. And I get it. You just had sex, you’re feeling great, oxytocin is flowing, you just hosted a human being inside of you… You love him and you wanna talk about the future. He can’t do it. You look at him and say, “What are you thinking about?” He’s laying there, dust. “Ohh.” Get him a Gatorade, give him five. He can’t answer you. You’ll be like, “What are you thinking about?” He’ll never, ever be like, “You in a wedding dress.” But guys, if you love your girl, check in with her. Because you’re far away. She’s up there. You’re here like, “I’m amazing. I’ll bet she fucking loves this.” And we’re down there like, “I wonder if lavender is in season.” Still back there. “Siri, is lavender…” “Calling Mom Cell.” “No, Siri!” “No!” Snap. The moral of that story is I was in a relationship and I wasn’t happy, so I left the relationship. I’m not advocating for leaving the person you’re with. What I am advocating for is this. If you’re not happy, there’s no reason to stay out of fear of being alone. We like to scare women. And I’m sure there are men that feel this way. But we like to scare women when they’re single and we like to be mean to them and we label them. We say mean things to them. She’s a spinster. Old maid. Really involved with animal rescue. We have names like that. And we like to question them, as if there’s something wrong. “Why are you single?” “Because the last one was a dick and I’m not stupid.” Like, that’s why you do it. Nobody wakes up married. Nobody is born betrothed to someone. We have to be kinder to women and stop doing it. And we have the audacity to have magazines, self-help books, articles, posing the question, “You’re single. Now what? You’re single. Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” Now I shave off an eyebrow and take up with wolves. What do you mean, “Now what?” What do you mean, “Now what?” I got a mortgage. How about fuck bitches, get money? It’s so stupid. What upsets me is that women spend so much time and energy flogging themselves mentally for being single, and changing and trying different methods and looking for guys. And men don’t have to do that. They have the luxury of relaxing because they don’t have eggs. There are no articles in GQ like, “You’re single. Now what?” There’s none of that. The answer would always be, “Now I can jerk off where I want. No-one bugs me. #Sandwich.” The good part about traveling for the last year, I’ve had time for myself. More time from my research. I don’t do research. I just watch TV. But I wear a lab coat while I do it for the tax write-off. Before we get out of here, before we conclude this TED Talk… Does everybody here watch Shark Tank? So… All I want, all I want, is a live episode of Shark Tank. That’s what I want. A live episode. It’s a reality show. But if you watch it, you’ll notice it’s heavily edited, heavily produced, and what bothers me… is the presentations from the entrepreneurs are too polished. There’s no grit to them. They come out like a fifth-grade Thanksgiving pageant. “The natives called it maize. We bottled it.” I don’t wanna see that, okay? I want to see you mess up. I wanna see you trip. Maybe you forget your words. Maybe you chip a tooth. I wanna see you crumble as an entity before my eyes. Only then will I tolerate you rising from the ashes with any degree of hubris. That’s the way to consume American reality TV. The sheer schadenfreude of watching someone shit themselves on TV and then building them back up. That’s what we like to see. Okay? These are cattle farmers from the middle of Iowa and they get in front of a camera and suddenly they’re Winston Churchill? I don’t buy it, okay? I speak for a living and even I mess up, so there’s no way these two fucking dye jobs from ASU with, like, a new take on cookies, there’s no way! Flawlessly orating. There are three archetypes of women that they like to have on Shark Tank. They love to have moms, because most of us have moms. But what’s crazy and, like, creepy is that all the moms on Shark Tank have the exact same voice. It’s a little Stepfordian. They all sound like this. “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Nancy from Laguna Niguel and I’ve discovered a new way to get your toddler to eat their blueberries.” Then they have really smart women. They do. They’ll have brilliant women. But it seems that the smarter the woman, the longer the last name. Like, they’ll hyphenate their last names. I can’t stand hyphenated last names. If you’re in this room and you’ve got a hyphenated last name, chop it in half! Okay? You’re not Spanish royalty. Chop it! I barely care about your first name. Let alone the entire questionable heritage. When you have a hyphenated last name, all that makes me think is that mama was a big old strong lesbian and she didn’t wanna give up her family inheritance so she begrudgingly married your father, now they have separate twin beds and are co-women’s studies professors at Wellesley. It’s also just so much information. I’m trying to hear you, your valuation, listen to the equity, and you’re coming up there with a phonebook, like, “Hi, Sharks. My name’s Michelle-Lida-Julia Freeman-Cereal.” “And I’m Rebecca-Lynn-Stacey Fitzgerald-Yang. And together, we sound like five dudes.” Like, it’s a lot… of information. Are you inventors or a law firm? Like, what is that? And then in the final category, the toy category, we have the hot women. Not attractive. Not cute. Fucking hot. Teeth, tan, tits, hair. “Sharks!” Sometimes they do this. They’ll have very smart woman on the show. Sometimes it feels like the hotter the woman, the dumber the product. And I believe it’s done to keep us in line. But… a lot of the time, the women’s products have to do with two categories. It’s either wrangling your femininity. “Sharks, it’s a flap you put over your vagina so no one knows you have one.” “Move through the workplace with ease.” Or it’s a product so stupid, it will just confirm any preconceived notions you might have about female intelligence. Like, “Sharks, it’s a shower cap that you can wear while you’re cooking so your hair doesn’t smell!” No! You just set us back, like, a week with that shit, Lexi. But that’s the one that I’d like to see live. The hot one. Because I believe watching an attractive woman mentally unravel… on national television is the reason we all watch reality TV. “Up next are two sisters from Scottsdale, Arizona, with a new take on popcorn.” Jiggle, jiggle. “Hi, Sharks! My name’s Madison.” Duh. They’re always named Madison, right? “And this is my sister, Michaela.” They’re always named Michaela. Fucking obviously. “And together, we are the inventors, creators and CEOs of… Put your back against mine.” “CEOs of… Put your fucking back against mine. What the fuck are you doing? What the fuck are you doing? We do this then we do the product, yes? Oh, my fucking goodness! We haven’t done the product yet. We can’t. We can’t start over. That’s what that light is. That’s fucking live, bitch. Yes!” “We can’t… Can we start over?” “No.” “I got nothing.” “Oh, my God, I’m not yelling at you! I’m not yelling at you. I’m not making it about me! Do not do this here! It’s fucking live TV! I’m not making it about me! You’re making it about me making it about you making it about me! I am trying to make this… Oh, my God. Okay. Just stay there. I will do it. I will do it. Just stay there. It’s fine. Stay there. I will handle it. Stay there, you fucking casualty. Okay, the other day, my sister and I were at home eating popcorn and crying, and we got down to the bottom of the bag. And, shake, shake, shake, what was left at the bottom? All the unpopped kernels. That’s when my sister and I decided that we should… Put your fucking back…” “Against mine. Put your fucking back against mine! What the fuck are you doing? I am trying… No! No! You’re not gonna fucking do this to me again! I am trying to keep this family together! Do you not understand that? No, this is not about me! I am trying to help! This is nothing like when Daddy died! You are being a bitch! I am trying to keep this family… She does this! She does this every time! Everybody’s gonna know that you’re a fucking… I wasn’t flirting with your husband! You are so fucking insecure! Because I slept with your boyfriend in high school and he turned out to be gay! No, it wasn’t your fault! Big fucking deal! He wanted to talk about your birthday so that fucking Michaela could turn 40 for the third time! You’re a fucking bitch! I need a minute! I need a fucking minute! I need… I need a Madison minute! Hold on! I’m fucking good. I’m fucking good! Let’s fucking do it! You wanna go? Shit. I don’t care. I am trying… I am not… I can’t. I can’t. Why are the walls bleeding? I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. I can’t do it. You being a… I shit. I shit my pants. Oh, good news. It’s not shit. It’s blood! It’s blood, you fucking monster! I am trying… I can’t… No. You know what? I am keeping it together. I am the stable one! I am keeping it… I am not… I am not yelling! I am not yelling. I am not yelling. Huh? What? Yes, it’s a hive. This happens. It happens every time you open your fucking whore mouth! Yes, I know! And I’m trying… I’m a good feminist. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry. I’m sorry! I’m sorry! My tan is dripping off. I am not…” “I am not… I am not… I am not yelling. I am not yelling! I am using…” “I am using the vocabulary that Dr. Goldstein told us to use.” “I am requesting…” “that you… hear… my…” “desire… to communicate… in an open way… and put your fucking back against mine! She’s ruining it! She’s ruining everything!” “She’s ruining it. This is a big deal. We put everything… We put everything into this company!” “Did you really?” “No, but my mom did.” “I am trying to keep it together. Everybody depends on me because we spent all of our money on our first company and it shat the bed.” “What was your first company?” “I’m gonna tell them.” “I’m gonna tell them and you’re gonna look like the fucking psycho bitch that you are. Everyone’s gonna know. I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell the cameras. Is this camera still on? Good.” “Fuck you.” “Do you remember when… Um… Fuck, it’s, like, stuck right here in my nose.” “Uhh! Do you remember when, um, our country went through a recession, and everybody was losing their homes and their money? My sister and I decided that rather than save up or go back to school, we would do what every other girl without a marketable skill did, we… opened up a cupcake company.” “I don’t know if you noticed, but during the recession, there was a fucking boom in the confection industry! That’s because it doesn’t take a fucking rocket science degree to shit out, like, an okay cupcake. And, like, no one’s gonna say no to a cupcake. People will spend their last dollar. They’re not gonna be like, “No,” they’ll be like, “A cupcake. My day’s okay for a minute.” And we were feeding people these cupcakes and they were upside-down on their houses and they were jobless and we were feeding these depressed people cupcakes. And it’s a scientific fact that obesity and depression have a direct correlation, and we were just feeding the belly of the beast from within the belly of the beast and capitalizing off of it. People needed answers. They needed a viable option for credit, not a buttercream… Put your fucking back against mine! I swear to Christ, Michaela, if you ruin this for me, I will fuck your husband! Screw it! Cut! I should’ve been a mermaid!” Pack your hip!"
1686242402-279,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: Sticks & Stones | Epilogue: The Punchline – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-sticks-stones-epilogue-punchline-transcript/,"Tacked onto the end of the Dave Chappelle’s Sticks and Stones is a secret 23-minute special called Epilogue: The Punchline. The hidden special consists of Chappelle joking with the audience and inviting them to ask him questions, with the comedian touching on everything from the 2020 US presidential election to the most influential comedians in his life and the #MeToo movement. Well, I have some very bad news for the people in the front rows. I heard that some of you paid as much as $800 for your tickets. Sadly, I did this same show a couple weeks ago in Atlanta… for $60 a head. Can you imagine? N i g g a, you could have flown to Atlanta… got a hotel, had some dinner, and came back and you’d still have a little money left over, n i g g a s. Paid way too much just to see me in this gay-ass neighborhood. All right, let me roll up my sleeves and tell these pussy jokes. Will told me to say there hasn’t been this many pussy references in this room since Cats was here. And when I think back at it, this was probably the only time my life that I ever thought to myself, “I should kill everybody at school.” Thank you very much, New York. Good night. Thank you, guys, very much. Boy… I got to tell you, man. I’ve been doing this set all week, and boy, I’ll be telling jokes and sometimes n i g g a s look like they’re in actual pain over the jokes. Uh, one of it’s that bad to me, but I understand why I could hurt some people’s feelings, so tonight… Tonight I’m going to give you an opportunity that I rarely give anybody. I’m going to let you say whatever it is you need to say to my face. Or ask me whatever it is you want to know, but there are no dumb questions allowed. If you ask a stupid question, you’ll be asked to leave. Just kidding. No, I’m just kidding, go ahead. Everyone relax. Yes, sir, in the front. Two questions: How often do you write? And can I have a cigarette? All right. First, you may have a cigarette, but remember, this is not jail, motherfucker. This lady right here. I have a question. Do you remember this scene? Uh… Oh, I do remember that. Ma’am, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave. That was a terrible question. This gentleman in the front with a salmon-colored shirt on. I was wondering if you had any advice for young comedians that you generally give, and…? Are you thinking of doing comedy? Um… I’ve never done it before, but watching you has made me want to try it. Bring him up! Bring him up! Bring him up! I don’t know if that’s an insult or not. It’s a– It’s a compliment. It’s… I mean, n i g g a s don’t say, “I’ve never done brain surgery, but it looks a lot easier than I thought.” I was… I’m teasing. All right, here would be my advice. Okay, I don’t know how comedians start nowadays, right? But what I would suggest is just start. And, and, and… once you start, you can’t really stop, no matter… what happens, no matter how bad it gets, no matter what people say. You know what I mean? ‘Cause comedy is weird like that. You know why I hate watching other comedians do comedy? Not ’cause I hate other comedians, but because I love comedy so much. It’s like watching somebody else fuck your girl. And I say, “I fuck her better than that.” Yes, you on the aisle up there, the lady with the long… Yes, you, standing up, I see you. What’s your favorite book of all time? My favorite book of all time? The Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. That guy– That guy with the baseball hat. Marry-fuck-kill: Michelle, Rihanna, Oprah? Wait, who’s Michelle? Oh, Obama? Well, sir, you’re putting me in quite the pickle. I can’t… I can’t say I’ll fuck Michelle Obama, that’s insane. Well, I guess… I… I mean, ’cause I wouldn’t kill any of those women. But I’d fuck all three of them. Uh, the gentleman in the blue Oxford, standing up. Tell us a story with Charlie Murphy. Tell a story about Charlie Murphy? Or your favorite.     Boy, there’s so many good Charlie Murphy… The thing with Charlie Murphy is he used to just make us laugh all the time. And I used to ask him about all the old Hollywood shit I was curious about, like when they used to accuse Michael Jackson, I remember asking, I go, “Charlie, do you think Michael Jackson actually did those things?” And he said, “Let me ask you a question, Dave.” He said… He said, “Say it is illegal to fuck women. How long are you staying out of jail?” So God bless Charlie Murphy, wherever you are, Charlie. I love him. Who do you think is going to win the 2020 election? All right. I’m going to put a pin in this, but I’ll tell you right now, I don’t know. But I think Trump has a better shot than a lot of people would like to think. I’m just saying, it all depends on how the left talks. The way we’re talking is not going to win the fucking ballgame. Donald Trump’s over on the right, grabbing handfuls of pussy. Joe Biden can’t even smell hair over here, fuck this side. All right, ma’am, go ahead. Thank you so much for this show and… How old are you? Twenty five. Twenty five? Yeah. Boy, don’t let R. Kelly see you, He gonna… He’s going to pee on you by accident. “Oh, my bad. I thought she was 15.” “Yuck.” Um… I’m totally joking. I’m sorry. Um, my question is, um, is there anything you’ve learned from another comedian that you feel like will stay with you for life? I’ll tell you what, miss, that’s a good question. Uh, “Yes” is the short answer. A longer version of it is this: I was raised by comedians. I started doing stand-up when I was 14. The other day I went to a comedian’s funeral and I realized as we was putting this motherfucker in the ground, that these people are at least as influential to me as my family. I rock with these n i g g a s till the wheel falls off. We fight and we fuss, and we get jealous of each other, and we get mad at each other, but my life wouldn’t have been what it was without each and every one of them. And I consider them my family. That’s your answer. My favorite Club in America… is a club in San Francisco called the Punch Line. It’s a very small room. It’s a 200-seat room. And… I was working out the material that was going to be the show tonight. I still hadn’t figured out exactly how to say what I wanted to say, but I was doing pretty good. And I was doing some “Me Too” jokes. And a woman… stood up from the audience, and she was crying. Clearly, it was a white woman. She says… She says to me, she says, “You can’t say that!” It’s a 200-seat room, a very small room, I’m like, “What the fuck–?” Like, “Miss, are you okay? What are…?” She says, “You can’t say that!” I said, “Yes, I can, it’s my show. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want.” The crowd was like, “Ooh!” Like this. Um… And then, she gets up from the table and she starts making a big, like, show, just pushing through the aisles and all this stuff. And there’s, like, a curtain right before the front door and she gets to the curtain, and she’s crying. This is fucking crazy. She says, “I’m sorry I was raped.” It’s a fucking comedy club. That’s like loud farting getting out of an elevator. “Nothing funny can happen in here.” Now I’m trapped in a room with this woman’s fucking stink. And I say… I say, “Miss… Miss… it is not your fault… that you were raped. But it’s not mine either. Ta-ta, bitch.” Like this… She storms out. Now the room is very uncomfortable, but I managed to get the crowd back. But I’m, like, you know, a little traumatized. Same show… there’s a trans woman sitting in the audience. This is a true story, this was like a few weeks ago. I did six shows that weekend. This trans woman came to four of them. Calls herself Daphne. Man, this chick Daphne was in there cracking the fuck up at everything I said about everybody. It was amazing. She was laughing. And it was fun to watch her laugh. You could tell she was letting go of something that was heavy. And she’d throw her head back and she’d smile with all her teeth. She was having a great time. And the more fun she had, I felt bad. ‘Cause I knew… I had some trans jokes to unload. And I thought to myself, “Maybe I shouldn’t say these jokes, ’cause I don’t want to, like, fuck her evening up. She’s having so much fun.” But then I thought to myself, “Well, if I can’t say in front of her, should I say this shit at all?” So I let her rip. And to my surprise, Daphne laughed harder at the trans jokes than anybody in the room. In fact, everybody in the room would look at her to make sure it was okay. And… I got off stage, in the dressing room, like, “That was a fucking weird show.” I’m sitting in the dressing room, by myself, trying to figure out, like, “What the fuck just happened out there?” Like, “Why is it that this one woman can’t take any of these jokes and Daphne can take all of these jokes? So weird.” And then I realized… Ah! Daphne used to be a man. So, now, I go out of the dressing room and, like, you can see, like, all the staff was there, like, cleaning the club up, the audience had gone. And sitting at the bar by herself… was Daphne. And she’s like, “Hey, Dave, come join me for a drink.” And I don’t want her to think that I’m transphobic, so I’m like, “Fuck it, I guess I could have at least a drink.” And we get some tequila and we’re sitting there. And she was fucking cool. Turns out that Daphne, she wants to be a comedian. She was asking me for advice, I told her advice and all this shit. And then she says to me, she says, “Boy, you sure do get a bad rap for your trans jokes.” I said “Daphne, thank you, but you don’t have to say that. I hope I didn’t offend you.” She goes, “No… No, no, no.” She said, “In fact, I read about you in The New York Times.” I said, “You did?” She said, “Yeah. I thought it was interesting that they blamed you for R. Kelly. They said you normalized him for telling jokes about him.” I go, “Yeah, yeah, they said that.” She goes, “I wonder why they never said that you normalized transgenders by telling jokes about us.” And I’d never thought about that, it had never occurred to me. And we started making out. And then, like… I… I reached up just to see what it felt like. I was like, “Oh, what does…?” And it felt like pussy, it did. It was like… Go ahead, ask me a question. What the fuck you gonna do if Trump get re-elected? Uh, what am I gonna do if Trump get re-elected? Probably get a significant tax break. Hey. You want to know why I don’t even talk about Trump in my show? Because that motherfucker is not the Hokey Pokey. He is not what it’s all about. There’s millions of people that put him in power. And the ideas that he puts forth… uh, are not his own. He’s singing poor white people’s greatest hits. So why the fuck would I worry about him? And not the other millions? Really, know who I’m gonna vote for next time, if things keep going the way it’s going, is that gay dude. No, Mike Pence. Now, this is the same club, the Punch Line, this is 15 years ago. And I had just gotten back from my infamous, uh, South Africa trip. And I came to the Punch Line, just to cheer myself up. It’s a safe place where I could tell some jokes. And…. I find out that this comedian I know, Chris Tucker, who was in all those Rush Hour movies… I find out that Chris is in San Francisco too, at some charity event. So I call him, like, “Yo, I just saw you at some charity event.” I’m doing the show at the Punch Line. Why don’t you come by the club after your event?” He’s like, “Cool, Dave. I thought you was dead, n i g g a. I’ll come by.” He said… He says, “Is it okay if I bring some friends ’cause I’m with a lot of people.” I go, “Man, you’re Chris Tucker, you can bring whoever the fuck you want.” And then I show up to the club… late that night. I walk into the dressing room, and sitting in the dressing room… is, uh, Gavin Newsom, who at the time was the mayor of San Francisco, but now he’s the governor of California. And sitting next to him was Kamala Harris, who at the time was the DA of San Francisco. Now she’s a senator from California that’s front-running on the Democratic ticket. And sitting next to her was Al Gore. That’s fucking weird. And sitting next to Al Gore was the guys from Google, Sergey and… I don’t know how to say these… Whoo! All right. And it was Chris Tucker and Ben Jealous, who at the time was the president of the NAACP, who was all just at this big charity dinner. And, and… And Paul Mooney was drinking scotch. And we all was just in there. You know, at first, I was a little uncomfortable. We start talking and we all got along really well. Mmm… At some point, uh, Kamala Harris says… she says to me, she goes, “You know, a friend of mine is announcing his candidacy for president tomorrow. I went to college with him.” I’m like, “What the–?” I go, “Barack Obama?” She goes, “You’ve heard of him.” I’m like, “Yo, I just read about this dude.” And she goes, “Yo, yeah…” Blah, blah. We’re talking. She goes, “You know what? Let’s– Let’s call him on the phone.” I said, “What the fuck?” She picks the phone up and she dials, and she’s listening like this… And she goes… “Ah…”   “It’s his voice mail.” And she gives me the phone and goes, “Leave him a message.” I didn’t know what to say. I just said what you say to any black dude that’s running for president: “Stay low, run in a zig-zag pattern,” this kind of shit. And then the last thing I say is… You know what? I said, “Sir, I really do believe you can do this. Man, I’m wishing you luck.” Now… Next day I wake up and go for coffee at a place called The Embarcadero. It’s like an eatery by the sea in San Francisco, and I’m walking to the coffee shop and there’s a police line. And I can’t cross… the tape. But I figure, “Ah, fuck it, I’m Dave Chappelle” so I go under the thing, like this. And the police yoke me. These motherfuckers, like, tackle me immediately. And I see… over the police’s shoulder, Gavin Newsom. I couldn’t remember his name, but I remember the night before I had kept teasing him and saying he looked like Christian Bale, the guy from the Batman movies. Uh, so I see him and I can’t remember the name, so I’m like, “Batman, help.” And he stops, he’s like, “Dave?” And then the police see that the mayor knows me. So they’re all like, “Oh, sorry about that. Uh…” And he’s like, “Back up, everybody,” He picks me up, like, “I’m really sorry about that.” I’m like, “Ah, I’m fine. Don’t worry about it.” And he’s like… he’s like, “Listen, I’m here with the prince. Would you like to meet him?” I’m like, “I know Prince, that’s my n i g g a.” And we go around the corner and it was Prince Charles, the Prince of England. I didn’t know the protocol of meeting royalty. You’re not supposed to touch ’em. I dapped him up like a n i g g a. “My n i g g a.” I was hugging him and shit like this, dapping him up. Like this. And that n i g g a was cool, too. It was really fucking weird. And then I was just out there in the Upside Down, not having no TV show, trying to figure life out, and the election was going on in the background, and this guy, Barack Obama, was picking up steam. This motherfucker was killing it. And I had a chance to go to the last debate on the Democratic ticket. And I went. It was me and Chris Tucker, sitting in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. It was the last three candidates. It was Barack Obama, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton. Now, Obama is a lot taller than Edwards and Clinton, and he had the center podium. And at one point, they’re all on stage and they start fussing, and then Obama goes, “Look, none of us are perfect.” Like this. His hands was like this, and there was a light shining behind his head, and the other two candidates was looking up at the n i g g a, and I’m sitting in the audience, like, “This n i g g a looks like Jesus.” And I realized, in that moment… that I was looking at the next president of the United States. I was certain of it. I couldn’t explain it. But I knew what I was seeing. And I got really excited. And I’m not that kind of guy. I said, “I gotta meet this motherfucker.” So I stayed. They were all on stage doing interviews, and I just waited. I was waiting and waiting. And then John Edwards was done with his interviews first, ’cause everybody knew he wasn’t gonna win. Uh… And I see John Edwards, and I said, “Hey, Senator Edwards, I just wanted to say hi.” That motherfucker looked at me like, “Mm-mmm.” I’m like, “Fuck you, n i g g a, you gonna lose anyway.” And he left. And then Hillary Clinton just walked by me in one of them Steve Harvey suits. But Obama was taking forever. Everybody wanted to talk to him, and I knew the media saw exactly what I saw. There was no question about it. That was the guy. I waited and I waited and finally… Must have been over an hour and a half. He finishes his last interview. He’s like, “Thank you very much, good talking to you.” And he turns around, and he– We make eye contact. He sees me. And when he sees me, he looks over, he goes… “Dave Chappelle.” And… And Obama did me the same way I did Prince Charles. He dapped me up… And he, like, bro-hugged me, and he pulled me in. I’ll never forget this, he said in my ear… “I got your message.” Thank you very much, New York City. Good night. By the way… vanglorious.  This is protected by the red… the black and the green. At the Crossroad, with a key. Sissy."
1686241981-173,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,ADEL KARAM: LIVE FROM BEIRUT (2018) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/adel-karam-live-from-beirut-transcript/,"A NETFLIX COMEDY SPECIAL
 Recorded at the Casino du Liban, Beirut Hello. Wow, this is great! This is great! Good evening. Good evening! God rest his soul! Hello there. “Hello.” So bored! How are you all? This is so cool. That much! Hello up there. Good evening! Yeah, I see you. It’s like you’ve arrived from outer space! I want to say thank you for being here. Thank you for traveling all the way from Beirut to be here. Quite a distance. I came on Thursday so I wouldn’t be late. I usually don’t travel for anyone. See how important you are to me? I came on Thursday.
 Can I come down and kiss you all? Will this make you late for anything if I come down to kiss you all? We love to kiss. It’s amazing how much we love it! We Lebanese just adore kissing each other. Is anyone here not Lebanese? Yeah? Where are you from? – Where are you from? – Jordan. Jordan? You arrived from Jordan just now? Welcome. I have a real issue with Jordanians. You know why? Because you kiss three times, just like us. We kiss three times. And I didn’t know that in Jordan, you kiss… Some time ago, I was in Jordan and met someone. We were about to greet each other with a kiss. I started my… and he also started his… and we kept on going sideways like that. It was dramatic! His tongue touched my tonsils! I looked at him and said, “That’s it! What are you doing tonight?” What? We really should stop this kissing!
 Who in the audience is not Lebanese? – Where are you from? – Syria. I said not Lebanese! With all confidence, Syria. We’re your guests now, God bless you! I welcome us over here in your country. We’re almost competing with them here. Glad that you’re here with us. The Syrians and us kiss in the same way. Or do you have a different way? Two kisses, like Europeans. Perfect. Not like us Lebanese and Jordanians.
 Who else is not Lebanese? There’s a crowd here from abroad! Where are you from? Egypt? Great. In Egypt too it’s just two kisses, right? Two kisses, nice! Now this is culture, not like us! We are a horny people! The minute we see each other, we kiss! Jesus! But with all due respect to all your nationalities, we Lebanese are super kissers. You see how the minute we meet, we start kissing? You’ve only left him for five minutes, but when he sees you again, he goes… Come! Come! Not like this. Like this! In whatever situation, we kiss. Whatever, we kiss. Even if a guy is sick, you kiss him. He sneezes. So what? If one guy is sick, he infects half of Lebanon! When we meet, we kiss. We say farewell, we kiss. And those guys with a bushy beard! It’s a new trend. Now what is that? A new trend, that! He comes to kiss you, no chance he won’t. The minute he hugs you, you feel his fur! It’s like you’re kissing a bear! Totally drowned by it! If the beard is sharp like steel, it’s like being on an emery board! But that’s not the guy I usually meet. I only get the guy who, just as you enter the men’s room, you hear the flush, then the door opens and out he comes, barely finished his business. And there we are. “Hello! Come here, you.” And you go, “Hello. Hello!” He says, “Come here, you.” And you start thinking of what he’s been up to in there. Didn’t wipe it. And he sees you. “Hello.” He touches your face. “Who’s my best friend? Who’s the guy I love, man?” I wish we would learn from women… how they kiss. They kiss from a distance. There’s always a space. You’d think they were disgusted by each other! “Hi!” We could be sweaty, and still kiss. It’s like kissing someone in the rain at the Roucha. Some guys are born kissers. Like the guy who sells clothes on Haamra Street at 1 p. m. Just eaten falafel, and has his falafel sandwich in his hand, a chilli pepper in the other, and holding it out so it wouldn’t drip on him. You know that guy? Standing there munching on the sandwich, his moustache full of falafel crumbs, tahini and chilli pepper, and chilli pepper seeds dangling from his nose hair! You look at his face and he goes, “Hello! Come here, you. Come here, you.” He hugs you and you get one side with tahini and the other, red turnips!
 But the worst is the guy who’s eaten chicken, then had a breath mint. He comes over, close to your ear… “Hey, dear!” He blows it all in your ear. And the smell of garlic is everywhere! You say, “You smell like garlic.” He says, “I had a breath mint!” What mint? You need a stomach pump, damn you! If you decide to add up all the kisses you get in a day, mathematically, it’s like you’ve had sex. All day long, kiss, kiss, kiss. You should be up here…come on! Speaking of food and falafel, we Lebanese, for those who don’t know us, and this is just my personal opinion, our stomachs are like garbage cans! Whatever you dump in, we eat it. Everything. I mean, have you ever thought about the sheep that falls into our hands? Poor thing! When a Lebanese gets his hands on a sheep, he’s worse than ISIS! We make it disappear! We eat every bit of it. We leave nothing out! The head is made into nifa. You’re invited to a nifa meal, the best thing they offer is the eyeball. “Here, try it, it’s tasty and crunchy. But juicy!” The tongue we cook with lime and garlic, and they say, “Wow! Delicious.” The liver we make into sawda. Is anything more delicious than having raw sawda for breakfast with onion and mint? Delicious!
 What else? The intestines. We don’t throw them out! For those of you who are not familiar with how the Lebanese do it, we don’t throw out the intestines. We make them into sausages. We stuff them with rice and meat. You could say, “Ew! There used to be shit in there!” And I’d say, “That’s OK. We wash them first.” Even if there’s still a bit of shit, we douse them in lime and garlic, no problem. No big deal.
 Now, is there anything tastier than the sheep’s balls? They’re delicious. But my favorite is the fatty tail. That’s really something, if you think about it, though. The sheep grazes all day long, eating greens. So his tail is right over his asshole. All day long, he grazes then… You’ll be totally grossed out by sheep, just you wait! You know that we eat every bit of the sheep except his penis! I never got that! Why not? Suck on it! Suck on it and see where that’ll get you.
 The fleece? We never throw out the fleece. We make it into a rug. Not right to waste any part of the sheep. You have a friend who’s a taxi driver, he’ll think the world of you if you give him the fleece. He’d put it on the dashboard, with that waving-hand thing. And what’s hot now is that toy dog. You stick it on the dashboard and he goes… You just press the brakes and… Then with all that, they tell you you’ll be fine. When you eat sheep meat, drink Araak with it. It kills the microbes. What microbes? Do you see what crap you’re eating? You need to drink acid to clear that! A while ago, I was invited to a friend’s. They had slaughtered a sheep. I ate so much! I pigged out. I sucked the bones, legs, intestines. I was going to burst! I was suffering! That’s normal. No way you won’t suffer after eating like that. All kinds of microbes were floating in my stomach. They immediately took me to the ER. Now, our Lebanese hospitals are odd. If you go there in an ambulance, the minute they reach the ER, they press the brakes and open the door and they dump you on a wheelchair like you were a pizza ready for the oven. The minute I got there, they put me on a wheelchair, and I’m dying here! And what can I do? Whenever I go to the hospital, no one believes I’m sick! Weird! What? Can’t I get sick? The minute I got there… You know, once you get to the ER, before they ask what’s wrong with you, their first question is, insurance or no insurance? They want to make sure they’re getting paid! They want to know how to handle you. They wouldn’t believe I was sick. A woman came over. They’re all venomous. They can really choose them. She walked over, and I was sprawled on the chair. She came over… “Oh, it’s you. You’ve come to make fun of us?” Dripping venom! Then another one…a question they always ask me. “Where’s Abbas?” Abbas and I should be sick together! They put me on the stretcher, dumped me there. The third venomous lady came, trying to insert the drip. I’m in agony! My screams are going up to God. She kept jabbing and jabbing. She needed a hammer to push in whatever the heck that was! She drilled my bones and finally it got in. I screamed in pain! She said, “Enough. Are you the only one who gets to hurt people?” After they examined me, that’s where the problem started. They said, “You need a colonoscopy.” You laughed because you went through that too. I saw you flinch. Yeah, colonoscopy. Who’s been through that? Who has the courage to say he’s been through with it? You’ve all been through it! You’re all lying! Who’s been through it up there? You all have your hands on your asses! Not me! OK, they sent me to the colonoscopy specialist. He came to explain. He said, “We’ll do this procedure because we have to know what’s happening inside. We’ll go in and find out.” I said, “But, Doctor, it might hurt my tonsils.” He said, “No, they won’t hurt.” I said, “Don’t you go in from here?” He said, “No, from down there.” I said, “OK. So what do we do?” He said, “Don’t worry. Just relax.” “What do I do now?” He said, “We’ll have to give you an anesthetic. Do you want a local or a general anesthetic?” I said, “I’ve never done this before.” I thought it was a money trap, so I said a local anesthetic. I shouldn’t have said that. They dressed me in a gown. The gown for the colonoscopy is different from that of the hospital. You remember it, right? It’s like…You know the Teletubbies? You look just like Teletubbies. You wear a full-on onesie, but…open in the ass! So they know where to aim! And during the procedure, you’re not alone. There are four or five others ready for this procedure. You’re all standing there looking like Teletubbies with your asses out there, and the nurses looking at all those asses! Is that a woman or a guy laughing? A ringing laugh! So, they came and stuck in the colonoscope. They lay me on my side. On your side so he can check you. That doctor had two trainees with him. I’m lying there, and the trainees… are taking notes. “First, you dip it in the Vaseline, put it in the Vaseline.” The doctor is explaining. It’s a colonoscope! Not a…Colonoscope! He dips it in the Vaseline and starts to poke it in. The trainees with him are really focusing so they don’t miss anything. They don’t want to fail. He kept poking and poking. You’d think it’s local anesthetic. But, no! There’s something to be said about that! Poking and poking till I felt… Doctor! As he was poking and stuffing it in, a student came rushing in. “Sorry, Professor, for being late. Traffic was terrible.” No worries, we’ll get it out again. And there I was. To tell you the truth, I kind of liked it! It’s kind of special! So he said, “Don’t worry, we’ll put it in the Vaseline, and stuff it in again.” Stuff, stuff, stuff… A fourth student came in. “Sorry, Professor…” I said, “Fuck! I’m gonna start liking that! I’ve never considered that. You’re making me think about it! It was supposed to be simple. What is this?” I said, “Doctor, what are you doing?” He said, “It’s OK.” He started pulling it out. I said, “What do you mean, it’s OK? Before the fourth student, I was this size. Now I’m this size!” We finished the procedure, and they said, “Mr. Karam, you have to spend the night in the hospital. We’ll take you up to the room to rest.” I said, “OK.” He said, “You have insurance?” I said, “Sure.” “But your insurance covers you for second class.” I said, “What is that?” I didn’t know what second class meant. I thought…second class, OK, it’s cheaper, but it’s OK. Turns out, there’s a big difference between second class and first class. A whole different story. They took me to the appropriate floor, sitting in the wheelchair. In second class, there is no privacy. Everyone on the second-class floor knew I’d had a colonoscopy. Everyone! They put me in a wheelchair that had the round rubber thing so I could sit. A guy passing by said, “What? You got stuffed? Cool!” They took me to my room. Number 104, I still remember it. On my way, a Bengali orderly looked at me. He said, “Hello, sir, how was the colonoscopy? Hurt your ass?” Anyway, they took me to the room. In second-class rooms, there are two beds. I didn’t know. It was my first time. Thank God I was old enough. So, there were two beds in the room. The one on the left had a view. What view, you ask? A cemetery! The right-hand-side bed was against the wall. What’s cool is, when they take you to the room, they throw you on the bed like a sack of potatoes. “Throw him!” And there you are. That’s what it’s like in second class. The nurses came to hang the drip and take my temperature. In the next bed there was an elderly man, about 80 years old. I got to know him and his wife. She was, like, 70. His name was Abo Dani, and his wife, Em Dani. I’ll tell you all about them. The nurses came; two nurses in charge of the whole floor in second class. Their names were Enaam and Aida. What blew my mind was when you call for Enaam, ten nurses answer! And when you call Aida, ten answer! That floor was specifically for the Enaams and Aidas! Enaam had served 15 years of hard labor in prison, and then was pardoned. Her hair was black and crinkly, thick eyebrows, itty-bitty eyes, and sideburns running down to her mouth, with a bleached moustache, as if the problem were its color! Aida, on the other hand, she was short, skinny, with short white hair, a fuzz of hair here, and she hates men. They came to take my temperature. They lay me on my side, with my face to the wall and my ass to Abo Dani. At this point, my asshole was this wide. The thermometer wouldn’t stay in! She puts it towards the bottom, it slips. She puts it up top… Now, mind you, Abo Dani had been there for a long time, so he’s familiar with Enaam and Aida. He was joining in too! Abo Dani looked and said, “I don’t know. Son, clench your asshole so this will work.” I said, “Abo Dani, what do you mean? I’m clenching! It’s not working.” Then Em Dani chimes in, “Wrap some gauze around it to thicken it.” Yeah, right, all between me, Abo Dani, Em Dani, Enaam and Aida. Em Dani got up, came closer and looked at my ass. She said, “Abo Dani, I see a zit. I don’t like the look of his ass.” He said, “Tell him to put some mallow on it. It’ll go.” Abo Dani is really something. I liked him a lot. We got quite attached. He had been in that room for a long time. A long time in 104. How did I know that? When I got into the room, it didn’t feel like entering a hospital room. It felt like I was going into Abo Dani’s home. Em Dani had put a welcome mat at the door. Then as I was lying there, I noticed there was a shelf under the TV. Em Dani had her children’s pictures up on it! Dani as a child, Dani as he got older, Dani is fat, a picture of Danielle, their elder daughter, married and living in Canada. On top of the TV, Em Dani had put a piece of crotchet work. You know, crotchet. What did it say? “Our Father who art in Heaven…” Crotchet work saying, “Our Father who art in Heaven…” on top of the TV! In the corner Em Dani had put up a shrine to the Virgin Mary, with dripping candles, and a charity box for the restoration of Mar Shalita church. Thank God the doctor came. He didn’t come to my room. The doctors don’t usually come to second class. Only trainees. Impossible to see a doctor. Even if you holler, no doctor comes, only trainees. One came and said, “Mr. Karam, the doctor told us to tell you that you’ll need to spend another night in hospital.” I said, “Wait! OK. Is it possible to upgrade to first class?” He said, “Sure.” I said, “Fine. Send me a surgeon. I’ll have to sell you my kidney, I guess.” The move is expensive! The change to first class is an issue! Damn expensive. Anyway, I was moved to first class. In first class, there’s no Enaam and Aida. There’s Cynthia and Jennifer. You feel euphoric the minute you reach first class. You smell the jasmine. You look, and there are Cynthia and Jennifer. Let me tell you about them. They look kind of like Anabella. Tall, beautiful, sexy, you could just eat them up! Gorgeous. They live on toast and quinoa. Just lovely. What’s cool is that when they come to hook up the drip, they’re nothing like Enaam and Aida. When Enaam came to do that, she stepped on the bed, smashed my face and hooked up the drip. Cynthia bent down and hooked it up. Five-star treatment in first class! If only you could see how Cynthia received me. They’re multi-lingual! “Bonsoir, Monsieur Karam, welcome to first class. Welcome, Mr. Karam.” The room, let me tell you about that. Lovely. Very spacious, white walls. No green walls here. A king-size bed, an LED-screen TV…curved! The remote control is there in your hand. Not like with Em Dani! Only a champ could get it from her. If you touch it…stop it! In first class, there are no trainees. They’re all professors and up. A professor came to check on my status. I was asleep. Snoozing. I felt his hand touching my ear. “Mr. Karam? Mr. Karam? Sorry to wake you up. We just need to check on you. I’m Professor Ajeeaa.” I said, “Hello, Professor.” He said, “Guess who is here with me.” I looked and said, “Who?” He said, “The insurance company manager, the hospital manager and the doctor. Look who else is here.” I looked up and saw all the saints there. Even Mar Shalita was there! Food in first class is another story. When you eat there, it’s like watching one of those cooking shows on MTV. Unbelievable. I asked, “What are we having today?” She said, “Mr. Karam, today it’s duck with cauliflower and red radish.” I said, “Wow, cool.” She went on, “And for dessert, we have puff pastry with a raspberry and cherry reduction.” I said, “Perfect!” The food comes accompanied by a violinist! There I was using the fork and knife and… When I finished, I saw Jennifer standing. She said, “Mr. Karam, we’re ready to burp you.” Six months later, I went to the hospital to visit a sick friend. He had some health problems. When I went there, I realized that that was where Abo Dani was. So I decided to go and see how he was doing. On my way, I met a trainee and asked him, “Is Abo Dani still here?” He said, “Where else would he be? He’s kind like a guinea pig! We’re experimenting on him! He’s here for good!” I got to his room, and found some extras that Em Dani had added. Things I hadn’t seen before. They installed a bell! His name was on the door: Edmond Megaes, and, in brackets, Abo Dani. I heard a whirring sound inside. I rang the bell…birds chirruping. She couldn’t hear it. I knocked hard on the door. She finally opened it. Her hair was up and she was vacuuming! She’d brought down the winter clothes and laid out a rug. She even had a Christmas tree up. As I walked in, I heard Abo Dani… I said, “Hey, Abo Dani, how are you now? I hope you’re feeling better.” He said, “Yeah, thanks to yesterday’s meal.” My dear Abo Dani, I will never forget him, like I will never forget my trip to Africa. I want to tell you about my experience there. There might be a lot of people who know about it, but also there are many who don’t. Who’s been to Africa? Anyone visited Africa? We should all go visit Africa. We men should go visit Africa to get an idea of what things are like there. Some time ago I went to Africa to visit my friend Ali Shour. I love my friend. Bonjour, Aloush. I’ll tell you. I was with Ali in the Ivory Coast, a beautiful country. The roads, left and right, are lined with banana trees. I was in the car with Ali, I remember. We were talking. I am a bachelor, and this was guys’ talk. I said, “Aloush, I want to meet an African woman. Everything is naturally ‘built in.’ No plastic surgery.” “Yeah, sure,” he said. “I know a beautiful woman, I’ll call her.” He was calling her, we’re sitting in traffic. I swear to you, this is what happened. I was sitting in the car, and over on this side, there’s a river. As he was calling her, I was looking around. I saw a guy bathing. An African guy. At first glance, I thought he had three legs. I saw three legs! I looked again and, no, not three legs! He saw me staring at him down there, so what did he do? He hauled it up, and started scrubbing himself. He picked a banana leaf and started scrubbing. He was grabbing it and scrubbing. I mean, what is that? I couldn’t believe it! I said, “Ali, hang up. Don’t just hang up, switch it off!” He said, “Why?” I said, “Look! What is that? He’s in the water. It’s shrunk, but it’s still that long!” He said, “So what?” I said, “Cancel the call. I don’t want that woman.” He said, “But we already called her.” I said, “I don’t want to look bad!” He said, “Why?” I said, “Imagine I go to the hotel, I strip down and she comes in. The first thing she’ll say is, ‘Where is it?’ She’s used to the half-meter and more! What would she think of 17 centimeters? She won’t even see it! She would need a pair of tweezers to pull it out! I’ll be humiliated. Don’t want it. Did I come to Africa to be humiliated? She’ll be like, ‘Alright, just come and tickle me.'” Their sizes are really different. Different. No, no. I was traumatized. I noticed something else there too. They sell water in a bag, and pistachios in a bottle. Go figure. They are so comfortable with their sex organs. No problem. Here, things are censored. There, it’s all good. If a guy feels like it, he just whips it out, right there and then. I went to the hotel, depressed. My room was on the 13th floor. Out on the balcony having a smoke. I used to smoke back then. I saw the hotel manager walking around with a guy talking about removing a banana tree, and doing this and that. I saw him, and I guess he needed to pee. Mind you, I’m on 13th floor. He unzipped his pants and started rolling it out like a rope! And I’m standing there on the 13th floor, and I see something really long! Really! And he’s just talking as he was pulling it out, and he was going about his business. On the other side, a woman had this red sack on her head. She’s topless, with a tree leaf here, and walking along. Big ass! She was going to pass in front of the guy as he was peeing. Right in front of him. For a second, I imagined he was gonna tell his friend to grab the other end of it and go like this. “Come.” After that… After that I told Ali, I don’t want to go to Africa. From now on, if I travel, I’d be better off going to China. In China, 17 centimeters, you’d be a champ! Rocco, the stud! You laughed when I said Rocco! Guess you know who he is! Rocco is a porn star. She blushed! She knows him. Only men are supposed to laugh at that. I said Rocco and she went… Speaking of porn, you know? Statistics show that we Arabs rank number one in watching porn sites. Seriously. But we don’t admit it. You know who else doesn’t admit it? Women. You ask a woman, do you watch porn? She goes, “Ew! Disgusting!” A new bride would be sitting there and the groom comes along, thinking that she’s… He’d asked her before, “Do you watch porn?” She said, “No, that’s disgusting! Don’t mention porn!” He starts undressing and turns around, she’s there in high heels and lingerie. Suddenly it’s all spilling out. “What shall we do today, baby? Eagle position?” “What’s the eagle position?” “You climb on top of the closet, jump off, and I’ll be here with my legs wide open, and when you get here you flap and gyrate.” He’s shocked! “How do you know? You’ve never seen porn.” “Yeah, whatever. I know a few things. Let’s try the chandelier position.” “What’s that?” “You climb up the chandelier, you twirl, I lay here, you come down on top of me and twirl.” “Where do you get these ideas?” “You know what my favorite position is? The washing machine. I sit on top of the washing machine, you stand, and the washing machine does all the work.” So you know Rocco. He gets really sweaty! A lot! Have any of you ever watched a full porn movie? I’ve only gotten as far as 15 minutes, that’s my maximum. No more. I wish someone would tell me. What happens at the end? Does the leading man die? I would like to know what happens to him. How does a porn movie end? I don’t know. You finish off and that’s it. In porn movies, the leading man is always the pizza delivery guy. Before I started acting, I worked in a pizza place. I had my eye on our neighbor. I was waiting for her to order a pizza. One day, she did. I got ready and put on my pants, wearing nothing underneath. In porn movies they slip off their pants and they’re ready. I arrived with the pizza, ready for action and doing all the porn-star moves. Like this. She opened the door, took the pizza, kicked the door shut. There’s also the pool man. Yeah? He’s always cute. The women sit there around the pool, lying there, then they get topless. And he’s there cleaning the pool. And they’re there, flirting. He moves closer. And closer. And he does them! But the best guy is the plumber who wears his overalls, with nothing underneath. She calls him, “Please, I need a plumber.” He arrives right away. She opens the door, he’s standing there, with a body like a V! He undoes his overalls, and he’s naked! Our plumbers are different! Our plumber comes over with a belly, he bends down and you see his ass. A plumber comes to your house to fix the tap. He bends over and you can see red butt cheeks. There are different levels. Plumber with red butt cheeks, plumber with non-red hairy ass, and the higher level has red butt cheeks and hairy ass. Hair coming out at you. No hair on top, but hair down there. You’d be standing in dripping water with your wife. He’s bending over, in front of her. And there’s his ass! “Enough! Shut up! Let him fix the tap. It’s good he came!” I don’t watch porn. It means nothing to me now. My advice to all guys is, if you want to watch something to get you worked up, watch a women’s tennis match. I speak from experience. When I watch a women’s tennis match, I get…a shiver! When you see the match, you feel like they’re challenging you. Think about it. Their skirts are so short, and their thighs! How do they get those? So long! The way she holds the racket! You get the point! When I go to watch a match, I prepare myself. A towel, a whisky bottle, tissue paper, a trash bin, and I sit, ready. I’m prepared. I won’t watch otherwise. Look at how they stand, holding the racket like that. The director always takes close-ups of her face. You see the sweat running down. And she goes… The other player, with her thighs. He takes a shot from below, going up, with sweat running down. The short skirt, and two balls stacked there. And the referee says, “Quiet, please.” He wants silence. It starts and she dribbles the ball… I pull off the towel and get going. And I go… Damn you! In porn, we don’t go more than 15 minutes. Here, we don’t go more than one set! I can tell you all this because I’m not married. Can you imagine if I were married? God forbid! I hate marriage. I was married once. It’s my fault, not hers I don’t want to be overdramatic. But I won’t have it. I don’t even like going to weddings. Weddings in Lebanon are weird. I noticed something. Our weddings here, if you don’t know, are all the same. I hate going to weddings. Hate it! When I get invited, I feel I’m going to applaud a couple who are going to screw after a while. The shittiest occasion in the world! Imagine, standing there clapping… What the hell is this? And weddings here are all the same. The venue always has a staircase. If you go to any wedding, there’s a staircase, and the bride comes down. There’s always a wedding procession. This last wedding had extra. Not a regular procession, but 100 costumed performers. And on the other side, 100 costumed women. They took us back in history to Saladin’s days. Women carrying water jugs. And the men swinging their swords. If you go to the toilet, you have to be careful. They might slice you in half! There’s this loud guy at the party who stands with the microphone, calling for the bride to come down the stairs. As he does that, everyone is supposed to stand there waiting for the bride to appear. I was sitting there at this wedding. Luckily I knew the groom, not the bride. This guy started shouting. She was on a seat carried by four guys. She sits there and they carry her down the stairs, so that people can be awed! So the guy starts calling for her… “Reveal yourself, you beautiful gazelle.” “Reveal yourself, face of the moon.” “Reveal yourself, night moon…” When he says that, she’s supposed to appear up there. The minute he said that, something appeared. Night Moon appeared up there… and everyone went… A woman sitting next to me wet her pants! “What is that?” You know the witch on the broom? She’s a beauty compared to our Night Moon. Coming down those stairs, the four guys were like… And she’s just sitting there. And that idiot, the groom… thinks she’s a real beauty! It was such a shock, because Lebanese women are usually beautiful! But at weddings, I’m not sure what happens! Do you see what happens to women when they go to weddings? They all think they have to surpass the beauty of Night Moon. She’ll be, like, 1.30 meters tall, and her husband is 1.85 meters. At weddings. She’ll be walking with her husband… She’s in high heels, with huge hair, tons of eyeliner, in her shimmering dress, holding her husband’s hand. He’s walking next to her and she’s strutting along. Avatar! At that wedding, I was scared shitless! And Night Moon’s girlfriends. Usually at the table, you’re with people you don’t know, so you can mingle. A girl was sitting next to me in a shimmering dress, next to her mom. Her mom was like… with all the nipping and tucking, this was here and that was there! A little too much nipping and tucking! No more places to tuck! She’s sitting next to her mom, who starts to poke her. “Get up and dance. Get up and dance! That’s Patrick, just arrived from Dubai.” Her mom is her pimp! I’m, like, what is this? And the fat girl, a friend of Night Moon, all she cares about is catching the bouquet. Wants to get hitched. She has, like, 250 bouquets, but it hasn’t worked yet. She has a greenhouse at home. No matter. Night Moon got hitched by chance! My favorite is the girl who had her eye on that idiot. But Night Moon got him first. Know when she showed her true colors? The dancing. The music started and she got up. So cool, she got up to dance. Showing him her moves. Like, “Look what you’re missing out on, asshole!” There’s also that mutual friend of Night Moon and the idiot. He’s always this huge guy. One meter 95. He picked up the idiot and picked up Night Moon like this and started to dance with them, jumping up three meters. Can you imagine? He’s in a shiny gray suit and white shoes, red hair that’s sticky because he’s sweating. He’s carrying them both because he’s friends with them both. Just like being in a rodeo! Hang on! Night Moon wipes her eyeliner and looks even shittier. And the more he sweats, the more he wipes his face on her dress. She kicks him and says “You’ll dirty the dress, you bastard! It’s rented!” But the best at the wedding are the groom’s friends. They’ve been drunk for two days. They arrive drunk and leaning on each other. One is leaning like this, and the other like this, drinking whisky. It’s not going in their mouths! It’s spilling. And they’re telling terrible jokes. Like… Their mouths are drooling! “Hey, groom… Hey, groom.” They want everyone to listen. “Groom, we want you to make us hold our heads up high.” I looked at him and said, “What do you mean? What’s your head got to do over there between her thighs? Say something else!” So what did they start joking about? One said, “Listen to this. Hey, groom. Did you eat caviar?” Egging him on. The other guy poked him. “No no, groom. Eat shrimps.” I said to him, “Eat shit.” The best thing for you two. No more dumb jokes. Enough. I left that wedding and it was the end of my sorrows. I don’t go to weddings anymore. I am happy to attend funerals. If the idiot and Night Moon die, I will be the first at their funeral. I love going to funerals. I really like it. I really enjoy it. The minute they see me, they poke each other “He’s here. The one who makes you forget about your sadness.” I kiss them, and I don’t know, should I look happy? Sad? I feel lost at a funeral. We also have a certain way at funerals. In Lebanon, all the funerals you go to are exactly the same. The family members stand to receive condolences. You go, “May he rest in peace.” There’s always that one who hugs you tightly and starts to cry. “We lost our dear one, we lost him.” He sniffles all over you. You say, “May he rest in peace, God be with you.” You go to the deceased’s family and ask, “Who’s that?” They don’t know! He sniffled all over me! Who is he?” And then you’re sitting there and the coffee guy comes along. “Coffee, sir?” “No, thanks.” He walks around. “Water?” “No, thanks.” Then he offers it over your shoulder. “Coffee?” At every funeral, there’s the liar. The coffin is in the middle of the room. I’m sure you’ve seen this. The coffin is in the room, he waits till there’s no crowd. He’s been hiding somewhere. He wants to be the star. He approaches. “Where is he? Where is he? I lost my dear one! You shouldn’t be lying there! Get up, little one. Get up, my dear.” The family starts to cry. “I lost my dear one! What happened? How did he die? He was with me three days ago. He was OK.” He hasn’t seen him for three years. “You’re a liar. You shouldn’t be here. Only Aunty Audette should be here.” Aunty Audette. I’ve run into Aunty Audette at, like, 15 funerals. She’s about 75. But looking at her, you’d say she’s around 50. Nipped and tucked. Always smiling. Her husband died 45 years ago, and she looks like this, and she’s so old. Two guys carry her in. They go with her to put her in front of the coffin. They carry her in. “Where is he?” These two are always with Aunty Audette. They go with her to funerals to put her in front of the coffin. They throw her. And she starts. “No, no, no. This is not possible. This is not possible. You shouldn’t be lying there!” She kisses his cold hand. “You left us too soon.” But something I’ve heard from her, at all 15 funerals, she says the same thing. She says to every dead body she sees, “Give my love to Edward.” That’s her husband who died 45 years ago. How can he send her love to Edward? Is he the Lebanese postal service? How can he do that? She imagines he’ll go up there, “Hi, guys. Which one of you is Edward?” And Edward is over there playing backgammon. He says, “I’m Edward”. He says, “Audette sends you love.” “Yeah, I know. You’re the fourth one today passing on her love.” So he asks him, “Edward, how did you die?” “I killed myself to get away from that bitch!” I’m really happy to see you all. I had so much fun with you. I hope you had fun too. In every show… This is such a big night for me, such a big night for me as a Lebanese. The first Lebanese to be on Netflix. You deserve it. – Thank you, dear! – You really deserve it. My dear Alex, I recognize your voice. If you’ll allow me, since this is such a special show, I would like to dedicate each show to my father. He left us 18 years ago and I really love him very much. I really do. And I want to say something, Dad, through Netflix, Dad, I dedicate my show to you. Wait! Dad, give my love to Edward."
1686242773-369,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tom Papa: Freaked Out (2013) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-freaked-out-transcript/,"♪ Now the time is right ♪ ♪ Bright city light ♪ ♪ Turn it up a little louder ♪ ♪ Calling out your name ♪ ♪ To come out and play ♪ ♪ Before the midnight hour ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ Everyone getting all dressed up ♪ ♪ Nothing’s gonna stop us now ♪ ♪ We’re bringing on the night ♪ ♪ We’re taking on the town ♪ ♪ We’re shining like the stars ♪ ♪ Tonight is our night ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Thank you very much. Yes indeed. You look great. It looks like you lost weight. Good for you. You look nice. Sincerely, many, many thanks. It means a lot that you’re here. A big round of applause for the Tom Papa dancers. Thank you so much. Really means a lot. It really does. Here’s why I don’t like the Chinese. Not some of them, all of them. I’m scared of the Chinese. I’m scared of the Chinese. And I know fear comes from ignorance, and I am ignorant of that culture. But I’ll bet most of you are ignorant of the Chinese culture. Go to Chinatown, and go to a grocery store, and look at what they consider food. And you tell me you understand the Chinese. Bags of salted squirrel faces. Baby alligators this big, this big. I’ve never seen an alligator this big. Not on the Internet. Not on discovery. Not in a museum. It’s like they don’t exist. Go to Chinatown, there’s boxes filled with them with scoopers like you’re getting gummy bears at the fair. There’s always a fish tank out front with black water in it. You think nothing’s in it. You come up, tap on the glass. Something comes up, spits at you, yells, and goes back down. Was that a fish or a man? Are they selling it or does he work here? All right, all right, what other culture has buckets of live frogs out front of every storefront? Who? And not just the food store. The bank, the electronics store. Everyone in Chinatown is in the live frog business. Well, let’s educate ourselves. Let’s not be so ignorant. Let’s learn a little bit. We’ll take six, please. Give us six live frogs. They bag ’em up for you. You get ’em home to your place. What’s your next move? How are you killing six live frogs on your own? Are you just gonna get little pillows and put ’em over their face? Let it go, froggy. Let it go. I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. Who you gonna ask for answers in those stores? Who’s there to help you in those stores? One 2,000-year-old woman sitting on a milk crate chewing on a bat wing. A Bengal tiger in a hammock just swinging behind her, eyeballing you the whole time. You go to the register. No people at the register. Just cats. Cats working the register. Smoking cigarettes, playing scratch-off lottery games, eating fig Newtons with no labels on them. Scary, scary people. And we owe them $4 trillion. Gay men scare me. Gay men scare me because they care about the same things that women care about, but with the aggression of men. It’s a dangerous combination. Like if my wife sees a friend of hers who’s gained a little weight, she’ll rip her apart but be very tactful about it. You know, “looks like Barbara “might have put on a pound or two. Bah, bah, bah, bah.” Our gay friend’s like, “please, she’s a walrus.” “Look at her whiskers.” Like, women will redecorate maybe a room or two. Maybe a half bath if they get excited. Gay men will redecorate an entire city if they don’t like it. I live in Chelsea here in town. It was a hellhole. It was rat-infested, graffiti-covered. And when the gay community finally moved in, they got to Chelsea looked around and said, “hell no. This will not do.” And they dressed up like construction workers in jeans and work boots… Suspenders and no shirts. And they tore that place to the ground. And what has emerged is a pottery barn heaven. Everywhere you go it smells like candles. Gay men make everything better. Yeah, that should be their slogan. This is a pretty amazing time to be here. It’s probably the greatest time to be on this planet. It really is. We are very lucky people. But we don’t always feel that way. We always feel freaked out all the time, ’cause we’re the first generation of people who’s had to watch news 24 hours a day. No other human being has had to watch a nonstop horror show of other people’s problems. It’s too much. You gotta turn it off. It’ll make you sick. You gotta treat the news like a call home to your parents. Shorter the better. Right, you call, you make it short, like, they tell you something weird your dad did with a jar of mayonnaise and… “I love you. I love you.” You hang up. How are they? They’re good, they’re good. They’re doing just fine. Because it skews our thinking.     This is an amazing time to be here, you know? We’re the people of the 21st century. The 21st century, that’s a pretty amazing thing. But we have to own it. We have to own it. We gotta let the past go. We gotta make some changes. No more post office. It’s time to shut it down. I can send a picture of my testicles to all of Russia from my phone. Shut it down. Who’s communicating like this anymore? I’ve got to get a message to my friend in Virginia. Get me some paper and my writin’ sticks. “Dear Mortimer, send help immediately.” How we gonna get it there? I know, let’s give it to the weirdo in the blue uniform who wanders the neighborhood and stares at the children too long. He’ll know what to do with it. Shut it down. Have you been inside a post office lately? Even the people who work in the post office can’t believe it’s still open. It’s like a haunted Scooby Doo warehouse at this point. Everything’s covered in spider webs. Old machinery run by enslaved Oompa Loompas. You get to the front of the line, they look at you like you’re selling something and you just walked into their apartment. “What the hell are you doing here?” “I wanna send this to my Nana.” Then they go into a list of stuff they can’t do for you. “Well, I can’t send it wrapped like that. “I can’t let you pay with that credit card. “I can’t make eye contact with you when I’m talking to you. I can’t stop eating Funyuns when I’m at work.” Shut it down. While we’re at it, no more change. No more disease-infested coins. It’s 2013. I can go to Starbucks with my iPhone and buy things like Captain Kirk with a phaser just pointing at stuff. I’ll take a latte. Pew! I’ll take a scone. Pew-pew! Why are we walking around like leprechauns with pockets filled with golden trinkets, jingle-jangling down the city streets, teasing the homeless. Why? You run your errands, you have to wear a belt just to keep your pants up from all the treasure you’re gonna accumulate from your magic Mario Brothers adventure, ’cause they love giving it out. Nothing ends on the dollar amount, right? 5.15, bling, bling, bling. 6.29, bling, bling, bling. You ever get 99 cents change? That’s a big F.U., isn’t it? ‘Cause you know they don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You’re gonna do it? Aren’t you hilarious. Thank you very much. This will be all over my bedroom floor when I take my pants off tonight. 21st century. I say we give NASA one more year. One more year to make space travel exciting again, and if they can’t pull it off we close them up and give the whole thing to Red Bull. Right? How dare you make space travel a snoozefest. You land on Mars, and you make it so boring that we’re more interested in watching Antiques Roadshow. “Wow, I didn’t know they had an ice cream scooper “in the 1700s. “Maybe we should look in grammy’s attic and” “did you hear we landed on Mars?” “I don’t care.” ‘Cause after all these years, they blow it. We don’t land on Mars. They land a remote-control car on Mars. You ever been at Christmas and someone gets a remote-control car? It’s fun for one person, whoever has the remote. That’s what’s happening now. There’s one guy in Pasadena at the controls. “I’m on Mars! This is awesome! It’s mine, all mine!” They call it The Rover. The Rover. What kinda lame-ass name is The Rover? Don’t you have a marketing department or someone under the age of 96. The Rover. Rover’s touching down. Explore away, Rover. Godspeed, Rover. Why isn’t anyone watching Rover? Because this is America. Redneck it up a little bit. Call it “The Planet Crusher.” Put some flames on the side and some naked chick mud flaps. You land on Mars, a big laser gun comes out, just starts firing. Bwhowm! Bwhowm! Make up some stories about space creatures. How are we gonna know you’re lying? They’re green and they’re fast. They’re everywhere. Bwhowm! But we’ll get ’em. We’re NASA, “nuking asshole space aliens.” And have the whole thing sponsored by Budweiser and Hooters. But it is an exciting time to be alive. It really is. Things are getting better, they say. They say things are getting better. They say the economy‘s improving. I don’t know, ’cause I don’t understand it. Apparently nobody does. You know, even the people who run it, even the people who report on it have no clue on what’s going on with the economy. You wake up at 9:00 in the morning, they’re like, “everything’s great.” By noon, “we’re all going down!” What did they say? Why? And I try, I read the articles. I’m not an idiot. I read every day about the economy. It’s like drinking Jagermeister reading these articles. It’s like two paragraphs in, I’m just passed out on the kitchen floor. I wake up six hours later with no pants on. “Who’s Dow Jones? I feel weird.” Nobody understands it. That’s why the whole occupy Wall Street thing fell on its ass. They didn’t even know what they were fighting for. “We want it now!” “All right, what do you want?” “I don’t know! “Maybe a tent and a razor for my girlfriend. I don’t know.” I would pass it all the time with my daughter. We’d be walking through the park, she was like, “what’s going on? What’s this crowd?” And I was like, “well, look, there’s a great economic disparity “between the really rich and the really poor, and they’re protesting against it.” She’s like, “well, what does that mean?” I said, “that means we have to get really rich really fast “and get with the winning team. “Or you’re gonna be playing hacky sack in this park for the rest of your life.” My brother-in-law was like, “that’s not cool. The poor are gonna get you.” I’m like, “well, they’re not gonna get in my gated community, “so I don’t know how that’s gonna happen. “I’m not giving them the code. Are you giving them the code?” Twitter built that movement, and Twitter killed that movement, by the way. It worked great for six months. It was a good way to organize. And then the cops were like, “why aren’t we following them on Twitter?” And then they start showing up, like, an hour early. Everyone come in the park, “how did they know?” And I know this is how it ended, because I’m a white guy and I can totally walk up to cops in the park and be like, “what the hell is going on here?” And they have to tell me. It’s awesome. “You better fix it.” “We will, sir, we will.” It’s a good color to be if you wanna mess with the man. It’s… we don’t look that great, we’re pasty, and we burn easy, but the man doesn’t really mess with you. Same when I fly, my friends are like, “how do you deal with security all the time? It must suck.” Are you kidding? You should see the look of relief in the TSA’s face when I get to the front of the line. They always pull me out for the search. It’s not even a search, it’s like a meet and greet. We take pictures and exchange phone numbers. I point out all the weirdoes behind me who I think might be trouble. “I’ve never seen a hat like that before, I’m just saying.” Also 99%, 1%, that killed that movement too. We don’t like to be pit against each other. Also we don’t like to be clumped all together. 99%, we’re all the same. Not in this country, no, no, no. I was just in Alabama doing shows not long ago, and if you do the math we’re supposed to be part of the same 99%. We are not. You’re not either. I mean, maybe we’re not rich. We don’t eat food with our feet. There should be, like, a 40% that we can be a part of, you know? You can make a little money, you spend it on things like shampoo and belts and birth control. Look, the world’s always stressful. There’s always problems. We all have our problems. We have problems. There’s a lot of problems. But I’ll take our problems over any in history. Really, I think we just didn’t get everything we thought we were gonna get. You know, it’s, like, I wanted everything in the pottery barn catalogue. I only got a couple pages. Wah! Really? Tell that to some people who lived through World War II. 14 million people dead. Hitler running around Europe. Yeah, but I can’t download movies as fast as I want to. Keeps rebuffering, I hate that. I don’t think I would have survived any other time in history, I really don’t. I don’t think I would have made it. Could you? Civil War. Could you have lived through the Civil War? No way. The Civil War. Brother on brother, stabbing each other in the guts. All before band-aids, by the way. Yeah, back then you got stabbed, you took wood chips and shoved ’em in your hole. You laid in a field, played a rusty flute and waited for help. “Is that you, Walt Whitman?” ♪ boo ba doo, ba doo, ba doo ♪ Just little stuff I couldn’t have survived without. Electricity, the little things. Refrigeration. Could you have survived with just that, no refrigeration? We lost our power for a week, we were almost eating each other. No refrigeration, forget it. No frozen burritos for you, no, no. No ice cream. No ice cream! Why even live, right? Why be on the planet? You got cream back then. It came out of a smelly beast that lived outside your non-air-conditioned shack. Could you imagine? That’s your dessert when you’re a kid. You choked down your turnips, you dad would line you up on the lawn, grab an udder and squirt it in your face. “Thank you, father. Can I have some more?” “You sure can, Jacob. You’re a good boy.” “We’re so lucky to be alive.” There’s always gonna be stress. You could turn off everything. That’s why you gotta enjoy it. You gotta take every moment you can. I mean, this is it. This is the good… This is primetime. This is it for us. This is as good as it’s gonna get. It’s not gonna get better. This is it. You’re gonna get old and weird really soon. This is it. This is primetime. You gotta take whatever you can get. That’s why I don’t understand people just… What are you waiting for? People that shit on the holidays, why, what? The cookies, the music, the smiles? What’s the problem? What, what do you think is going to happen? You think fireworks are gonna shoot out of our ass eventually? No, it’s not gonna happen. So whatever you gotta do to make yourself happy, do it, do it. Some people like to drink. Good for you, good for you. I’m one of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I’m a grown-up who drinks. Yeah, I have a liquor cabinet now. A liquor cabinet, yeah. I didn’t build it. I just had a cabinet filled with other stuff, and I slowly moved it out and replaced it with booze. The liquor cabinet shows you how evil alcohol really is, doesn’t it? Think about it. It’s just a hot box. No refrigeration, no ventilation. Just a hot square box. You take a thing of whiskey out, take a drink, put it back, come back five years later, it’s fine. That’s evil stuff. Put a ham sandwich in the liquor cabinet. You come back five years later, there’s gonna be a baby pig man living in there. Grown out of pork and mold. “Hey, hey!” But he’s in a liquor cabinet, so he’s classy. Probably a suit and fancy shoes. Baby pig man, another advantage of drinking. Yeah, some people drink, some people tickle strangers. I like putting my balls on a marble countertop. I can’t even say it without smiling. There’s something so refreshing. It’s not even that they’re that heavy, but something about standing and not having to carry them for a brief moment… It’s so… And that cold dark marble. You could do it too, ladies. Let the girls out. Put the hot under part on cold marble island. Anyone comes in, just tell ’em your back hurts. “I’ll be right with you.” Whatever you gotta do. Some people like to smoke pot. Some people enjoy that. There they are. I always love that clap. It’s always very proud, and then they realize it’s only, like, five people. “Now I’m really freaking out.” I have a reminder on my body from those years when I used to get high, and it’s just a reminder of how stupid I was at the time. I don’t wear shorts anymore because of it. It’s a bad tattoo, and I just picked it off a wall in New Jersey. I wouldn’t pick a t-shirt off a wall in New Jersey. I’m like, “I want that on my body.” Like a moron. It’s a gnome. It’s a gnome! I wish I was kidding. I am not. He’s got a hat, a red hat, and sparkles around it, and a big lame beard. And on the wall he was watering a pot plant, and even high I was like, “no, that’s going too far. “I see him as a magical creature. “He should have a walking stick “for when he goes through the forest and talks to the other gnomes, I guess.” And this tattoo guy was like… “Like that?” “No, but yeah now.” Forever and ever. I need some big tube socks now. Don’t do drugs, kids. I also got kids around too. That’s another thing. You don’t wanna be high when you got kids around the house. They always know. They always know. I made that mistake once. My friend was getting high watching football. “You want some?” “Yeah, okay.” I was flying, I hadn’t done it in so long. The whole time walking home I’m like, “I hope they don’t notice. I hope they don’t notice.” My little one came right up to me, “you look different.” “I am different. I’m a loser. You look different too. You’re so little. What’s it like to be so little? Look at your hands. They’re like paws. No wonder you always drop stuff. You have paws. Why do you have pockets in your little pants? Seriously? Where are you going? You don’t have money or keys. Why pockets?” I love kids. I like kids a lot. I’m in a good spot with mine. I’m finally done raising them, which is awesome. Yeah, they’re nine and six. I made it. It took a long time, a lot of ups and downs, but I am done. I’m not even kidding, I… Really. They don’t even need me anymore. You should see their Christmas list. It’s not even toys. It’s, like, appliances and furniture. I think they have an apartment in Detroit I’m not aware of. You know what it really is? I just can’t discipline them anymore. I can’t do it. I can’t fight with little people and their little problems, I can’t. I got big stuff I gotta deal with every day. I can’t fight with you and your socks and not wanting to pick them up, I can’t. This is my parenting technique now. I go, “you brush your teeth.” They go, “I don’t want to brush my teeth.” And I say, “fine,” and I walk out of the room. “I tried to help. You don’t want my help. I’ll let life take care of you.” That’s what life does, it disciplines you. It corrects you when you’re wrong. Walk down the street with no pants on. Life’s gonna let you know it’s not a cool thing to do. Look, who’s gonna make her brush her teeth more, me saying it over and over or a bunch of eight-year-old girls cornering her in the locker room and calling her “shit mouth”? That happens once, she’s gonna brush her ass off for the rest of her life. She’ll be 50 going, “don’t call me shit mouth.” Can’t do it. And, look, how long are we gonna live with each other? What, another eight, nine years tops? Why all the tension? Let’s enjoy ourselves, you know? Let’s have a good time and go our separate ways as friends. I want them to look back and be like, “you know what? That guy was fun. I like him. He was a little weird, but he was kinda funny. I like that guy.” They’re not gonna say it about their mother, so they might as well say it about me. Well, look, there’s a good cop and a bad cop, right? And she’s the bad cop. My wife’s amazing. She does everything. But she’s not very popular in the house. Well, she’s fried. She just wakes up pissed off. She doesn’t even have a fuse. Soon as she opens her eyes, “did everybody do what they’re supposed to do?” “What was I supposed to do? I was asleep. Was I supposed to get something from sleepy town or… I’ll go back. You want me to go back?” And I know we’re supposed to show a united front. You know, right or wrong, as parents, you back each other up against these little people who are trying to kill you. But she’s so off the charts, I can’t do it. I’ll lose all my credibility. The kids and I just roll our eyes all day long. She’ll be like, “everybody get to bed!” They’re like, “dad?” “I know. It’s not like it gets better when you go to sleep. Trust me. I’ve got four more hours of this. She’s making you go to sleep. She’s making me stay up.” And, look, I like the whole thing. I love the chaotic mess that it all is, I do. I fought it for years, I tried to keep it clean. That’s not fun. Life is about a mess. Make your life a chaotic mess. Yeah. I’m not saying you need kids. You don’t need kids, but get something. Get some hermit crabs, get… Get a three-legged dog. That’ll be good stories. You’ll have a lot of laughs with that. Get something. Make it a big chaotic mess. Do it, really. Just make it a big thing. I do it all. I do it all.     I go to dance recitals now. If that doesn’t show I love you, then nothing will. I go to dance recitals. Always on a Sunday, when I have a much better offer, and I have to say no and carry hair products and tutus through the city and go to dance recitals. And, look, I don’t want to sound like an idiot. When your kid goes up there, it’s amazing, it’s amazing. You know, I didn’t even know they were learning something all year. No idea. I just dropped them off. “Someone else is watching them for an hour. Let’s get a drink. You want a drink? Yeah, let’s go. We got time.” And then they waddle out there on the stage, and they do a little funny dance, and they kinda stumble, and it’s heartwarming, and you get choked up and misty-eyed, that lasts for, like, 30 seconds. And then you have to sit through 4 1/2 hours of other people’s useless bags of garbage. And the only people who are honest in the entire auditorium are the little boys that got dragged there against their will. There was this… At this last recital, there was this chunky monkey in a leotard stomping her way through a solo. I don’t know how much money her father gave to this school. She shouldn’t have been outside in the daylight, let alone on stage in a spotlight. And out of the darkness you just heard this little boy yell, “make it stop!” “Somebody stop it!” I wish I had the balls to be so honest that grown men have to carry me out of the auditorium into the lobby, ’cause you know that was the kid’s plan. As soon as he gets out there, “anyone get a light? That’s a horrible show. Am I wrong? That’s terrible entertainment.” My new thing now is I skate. I’m skating. I skate, ice skate. Put on clothes in the winter and go on ice. Because people wake me up at 6:00 in the morning saying they’re bored. Can you imagine? The sun’s not even up, and there’s a little face saying, “I’m bored.” If a roommate did that, you’d punch him right in the face. “Well, now you got something to do. Go ice that down.” But society doesn’t let you punch little girls in the face. So I get up. And we make unicorns with glue sticks and glitter and stuff, and we run out of activities by 7:00. So now we skate. And I know what you’re thinking. “Tom, do you even belong on skates? Do you know how to skate?” No, not at all. That’s not the point. Does a bear belong in the circus on a unicycle going around in circles in a party hat? No, but he does what he’s told, and they feed him when he’s done. And I’m the best skater in the family. That’s how moronic this activity is. I can’t do it at all, and I am the leader. So I go out and people attach themselves to me, and I just try and keep them up. And they fall off one by one like discarded Christmas trees. And eventually we all crawl to the edge for safety. And we get up, and we’re hungry, and we’re wet, and then we move as a pack into the city and look for food. And we sit in a diner, and we buy pasta for, like, 50 bucks, and get ripped off and spill stuff on each other and make a scene, and eventually we warm up and forget how miserable we were and plan our next skate. And this is my life now. I do weird stuff with people I make. I used to do weird stuff with people I met in bars. Now I make people, and I do weird stuff with them. Now we’re living their lives for them. We’re on top of them. We’re taking their tests for them. We’re planning their playdates. We’re in their life all the time, and it’s failing them, it’s failing them. Kids are showing up at college… There’s reports of kids showing up depressed ’cause they don’t know how to do anything, anything. They’re just like, “my bed isn’t made again today! Why is this happening? I used to wake up, my bed would be made, and there’d be Mickey mouse pancakes. Now nothing.” We’re failing them. All their test scores globally are in the toilet, in the toilet. We kicked ass when we were little. You know why? Our parents didn’t care. I’m going to school, you go to work. We’ll meet here at dinner. Don’t screw up. And we got our little book bags, and we’d head out of the house like little businesspeople, and we got stuff done. You had meetings at your lockers. You bought Cliff Notes off the black market. You forged signatures if you had to. And we were number one in the world. Number one. It’s arrogance. It’s arrogance of the parents that think you’re so important. You’re not that important. It’s easy to make a kid. It’s really easy. And then your job really is when they’re little stop them from waddling into traffic, electricity, or a weird uncle. That’s it. That is it. Other than that, get out of their way. All the best people on the planet didn’t even have their parents around. Steve Jobs was an orphan. Albert Einstein left home when he was 15. Abraham Lincoln, when he was six years old, cooked and ate both his parents. Yeah, little-known fact, but it’s true. Wasn’t in the movie, but it happened. That’s why he was 60 feet tall. Human bone marrow. We all show up on this planet with our personalities already intact. As soon as you’re here, you’re made, you’re made. And you’re either allowed to flower, or you’re stomped out by the grown-ups in your life. My kids are exactly the same as when they got here, exactly, and I had nothing to do with it. Nothing. My little one is tough as nails. She has a back like Michael Phelps. She eats rocks. She’s a killer. We’re all scared of her, all the family. We’re at the airport, I was like, “where’s the luggage?” She has it already. “Let’s go.” “Hurry up, she’s getting in the cab.” “Where’d she get money?” “I don’t know.” And she was that way immediately. She came out of my wife. They put her on that little baby bread warmer shelf. She immediately started getting up like she had somewhere to go. “Argh!” Nurses were passing out. They never saw a baby do a push-up their first five seconds on the planet. “Agh, let’s get out of here.” I can’t control that. I just have to watch her and hope she doesn’t turn evil. That’s all I can do. And the other one is smart. She’s always been that way. She wants help with her homework now, I can’t do it, can’t do it. Fourth grade math, I’m out, I’m out. It’s fraction time. Good night, I’m out. I get nervous when the pizza guy comes I have to do the change and the tip in the moment. I just hold up balled-up money like I’m from a small town in Belgium. You need more of this? You want more? We infantilize these kids. No one talks to their kids the way we do. You gonna put on your jammy-wammies? You gonna get all cuddly-wuddly on the couchie-poo? You have a big day tomorrow. You have your S.A.T.S. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Other cultures, the kids go to school and work immediately. These little Chinese kids putting together our iPhones, kicking ass over there. Seriously, they go to school for, like, 50 hours. They bicycle home 500 miles. They give their ancient grandparents a sponge bath, one piece of seaweed, off to the apple factory for the night shift. And they’re happy for the benefits. Our kids go to school for, like, three hours, then waddle around all night looking for candy. “Mahh! There’s gotta be some Skittles somewhere.” Every generation is smarter than the one that came before it, right? You were smarter than your parents. So these kids, with technology, it happens so much faster, so much faster. Just think about their phones. Think about the amount of pornography they have in their pockets 24 hours a day. You know what I had to do when I was eight years old to see a picture of a naked lady in a magazine? I had to run an underground railroad for porn. A series of meeting points and backpack drop-offs and swapping out bicycles in abandoned garages. Get it through the woods, into the house, into the basement, into the crawl space. Cuckoo! Cuckoo! We’d crawl back through the dirt with a book of matches. Could you imagine showing a Playboy to an eight-year-old now? They’d be like, “no, I was into that in preschool. More into feet now.” I’m raising girls. It’s all girls in my house, all girls. Whenever I say I’m raising girls, women always go, “it’s gonna suck. “Wait till they go through puberty. Your life is over.” Really? You want a boy going through puberty with what they do around the house? “Where are all our tissues? “Why are we going through so many tissues? “Why do I only have one sock? Where are my socks?” Some hairy Gollum crawling down the hallway, taking a shower for an hour and a half, coming out all sweaty, “aghh.” You can have it. I’ll take a girl anytime. Love girls. But I know there’s a limit, there’s a limit to how much I can teach them. At a certain point, I gotta just back off ’cause I don’t know it, and my wife takes over. ‘Cause there’s certain things that women know that you only know from other women. You only share it with other women. We don’t really know it. It’s like this weird martial art. It makes you so strong and cunning. It’s like this lady karate. Very devious. One of your master strokes is making us think that we’re the powerful ones. I really thought it for years. Well, the whole game is set up that way, isn’t it? “I’ll ask her on a date. I’ll ask her to marry me. I’ll give her my name. Agh!” And women are very smart, they go along with it. “Okay, maybe I’ll hyphenate it, but all right.” And then she does something one Sunday afternoon. You realize, my god, she could kill me in a second. So much more cunning. Women will get rid of a lifelong friend just from an eye roll at dinner. “Did you see how that bitch looked at me?” And she’s gone. You’ll never see her again. Gone, like old time Russia. Out of the contacts. Out of the picture frames. Disappears. You know how scary that is to a man, to know that everyone in your life is on a giant roulette wheel of death? And that we’re on there too at double zero just going around? It’s not gonna land on me, right? What are the odds? It’s a terrifying concept to a man, ’cause we never get rid of our friends ever, ever. Right? You meet a guy in kindergarten. If he’s your friend, he’s your friend for life. He could be the biggest jackass on the planet too. He could become an alcoholic drug addict, Rob a liquor store, go to jail, come out ten years later, come to your house, pee in your pool, hit on your wife, you’re like, “that’s Don. He’s crazy, right? But you gotta love him, you gotta. Look what he’s doing to the mailbox. Hilarious, dude!” And you think the closer you get to a woman, the safer you’ll be, and you’re wrong. You’re in more danger. ‘Cause you’re being manipulated in ways you don’t even know. Think about it, every guy who’s married is fatter than when he started, every one. You think that’s a coincidence? You think men are just so overjoyed with matrimony that they’re just walking around with chocolate Sundaes. “Wow, my life turned out so much better than I thought it would.” No. The common denominator is that you’re married to a woman. And when you marry a woman, you think she’s gonna love you and care for you and Cherish you, and you’re wrong. Her first instinct is to keep you. She’s a nester. The woman is a nester. She makes the nest, builds the nest, wants everyone in that nest all the time. And guys are always trying to leave the nest, always, just to look for worms or do loopty loops. Sometimes check out another nest. “Who’s in that nest? I’m just looking.” And women are aware of this, and they want to prevent it from happening by feeding you all the time, essentially making you too fat to fly. So if you ever try and leave, you land on the ground and waddle in circles like a fat duck. And then all the pretty birds look down, “he’s funny. I’d never have sex with him, but he’s hilarious.” But you should be more powerful. It makes perfect sense that women are strong, ’cause your lives are so much more difficult. You have so much more to deal with. It’s amazing. You have a lot more to deal with. Just the makeup alone. Just this never-ending art project you’re involved in. Carrying luggage around your entire lives, filled with art supplies. Brushes and pencils and paints. Just painting the same face over and over and over. You’re like a crazy Van Gogh with an etch a sketch. I don’t even know why you do it. Who are you doing it for? It’s not for us. We don’t care. All we care is that you’re not a dude. That’s all we care. It’s for other women. It’s that woman-on-woman hateful competition. It’s nasty. You ever see women say hello to each other? Nasty business, right? It’s all smiles up here. “Hi.” “hi.” Then they give each other that slow look of death up and down. Find a weakness, hang on it until she knows that you notice. “Sorry about that. You can get that taken care of.”     Brutal. You should see the moms at my kids’ school trying to out-hot the other moms hilarious. 7:00 in the morning. They show up dressed to kill to out-hot the other moms. Are you high? No kid wants their mom to be hot. You just want a mom. You don’t want a hot mom. You just want a flowered house dress and wobbly bingo arms. Right? Big, sloppy mom boobs. You curl up in her like a cinnamon-scented beanbag chair. That’s a mom. And I got news for you, if you are the hot mom, the other moms aren’t calling you hot. They’re calling you a whore. The products that women get tricked into buying. They told women it might help their ass if they buy these Skechers shape-ups. Have you seen these orthopedic moon boots? They’re like sneakers attached to Frankenstein feet. They’re walking through the mall like Cirque du Soleil on stilts. “How’s my ass?” No one’s looking at your ass. We’re looking at your feet, afraid you have scoliosis. The whole idea of what it is to be a woman in this culture is demented. It’s demented. All right, every image of a woman, it’s something you can’t be and it’s something we’re not interested in. Right, every ad with a woman, she’s 6’8″, emaciated, little boy boobs, and bubble lips. Just scowling at us through black mascara. That’s not a woman. That’s nice on a billboard. What would you do with that if you got it into your house? That’d be like having a live giraffe in the living room. Knocking over lamps, hiding behind the piano. “What do we do with it?” “I don’t know, give it more cocaine. It seems to like it.” That’s not a woman. You want a woman, a partner for the rest of your life? Get a strong woman. Get one with a big back, help you mow the lawn once in a while. You don’t want a cool, skinny chick. They get sick easy. Get a strong chick. Stands at the stove and stirs for hours. “Welcome home! Children play in playground. We not have playground. I build it. They play now.” That’s a woman, especially in a family. Right, that’s another burden of the woman. The whole thing falls on you, the whole thing. You know, we thought it was gonna be different. We were gonna be the first generation of guys who were gonna pitch in, 50/50. Anything you do, we’re gonna do too. 50/50. Our dads didn’t do it, but we’re gonna do it. 50/50. Didn’t work out. It can’t be 50/50, ’cause we don’t like these kids half as much as you do. It’s a lot of work. The whole thing’s a lot of work. A lot of work. I haven’t slept in nine years. Nine years, no sleep. No sleep in nine years. I knew the baby part, I knew that. I didn’t know you don’t sleep for the rest of your life. Did not know that. You lay down like you’re sleeping. You close your eyes like you’re sleeping. But you’re listening for trouble 24 hours a day. My little one threw up off the top bunk bed. All I had to hear in my sleep was, “” she doesn’t even know what’s happening yet. And I’m running like a marine in his underwear, grabbing anything that looks like a bucket. A cat, the pillow. You don’t find anything, just go with your hand, just do it, just do it. I’ll catch it, I’ll deal with it. Just do it in my hand. But that’s the whole deal right there, right? Your kid gets sick in the middle of the night. You do more chores in ten minutes than you did in four years of college. Bagging stuff up, carrying bodies, doing laundry. It’s like you’re working for FEMA in the middle of the night. They come down the hall naked, stuff in their hair, “am I okay?” “Go stand in the tub. Stand in the… Get her out of here. She smells.” And the only thing we have to clean in my house is all-natural cleaners. My wife wants to save the planet with orange peel mist. She’s like, “it really works.” No, it doesn’t. They wouldn’t have invented all these other products if orange juice did the trick. Your kid throws up, you don’t care about the planet. You wanna see Mr. Clean. You want that bald bastard just smiling at you. His tight shirt and an earring. You don’t know if he’s gay or straight or a pirate. Just looking at you like, “yeah, I might kill your cat, but I’ll leave this place smelling like lemons.” That’s what you’re supposed to do. I guess that’s what life is. Just get it and go and go. I don’t want to get old though. Looks creepy. Doesn’t it look like it hurts? Seriously? You ever look at an old person on the street looking at a curb they have to go up? They’ll do, like, five dry runs before they go for it. Grabbing onto strangers. “Hey.” That’s another amazing thing about the time we live in. Science is moving at such a rate, we’re gonna be able to stop the effects of aging. How amazing is that? There’s gonna be no aging at a certain point. But the real bummer, we’re gonna just miss it. We’re gonna be the last generation of old people. How awful is that? They’re gonna look at us on the sidewalk like, “eww. “Remember when that used to happen? Look at their necks. They’re like testicles.” Now we’re at the weird stage where people are just hanging on. The doctors are just kinda working out the kinks. They’re just kinda make us last longer. Like, “get a load of this guy. “He shoulda been dead years ago. I filled him with batteries and Jujubes.” I don’t wanna just last. Do you wanna just last? People always take pride in that. Just… people in their family just keep going, especially if they’re a degenerate. Then you hear that story. They love telling that story. “You know, my grandfather ate bacon every morning, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, drank whiskey every night. Lived to 98 years old.” Yeah, and I’m sure he was a real treat to hang out with. Big bacon bag of bones with a racist ashtray for a mouth. Permanently attached to a vinyl recliner, sucking on an oxygen tank like he’s scuba diving in the living room. Can we agree on that? If you need an oxygen tank, maybe it’s time to wrap things up. Seriously, if the planet doesn’t have air for you anymore and your best friend is a nickel slot machine, one more lap and hit the showers. And, look, we can’t just keep living on. We can’t, we really can’t. It’s getting too expensive. Social security, Medicare. We don’t have the money. We can’t afford it. We can’t afford to keep the old people. We need a plan. A secret plan. Don’t tell the old people about it. We’ll communicate through computers and whispers. We’ll just agree not to kill them, exactly, but not to work so hard in saving every one of them. We gotta treat it like a trip to the vet. We know you love muffins, but it’s gonna be really expensive. There’s a lot of other muffins out there. And, look, I wouldn’t be so scared if I knew what happened after. Is this it? We just die and that’s it? Nothing more? Nothing more? Or do we get to go to some place even greater. This is a great party. You wanna keep the party going. Ooh, it’s… yeah! But if there is some place magical and better than this, how ’bout a text? How ’bout an email? Nothing. Nobody’s said… We search all the time, and nothing. My little girl wanted to go to church for the first time, and we don’t go to church. I believe, but I don’t believe enough to ruin my Sundays. I can’t totally not believe, ’cause I was raised catholic, and I’m terrified all the time. If you were raised catholic, you know… you can’t shake it. You’re just… no. My wife was raised catholic. She has the balls to completely not believe. She’s like, “the church is a patriarchal system to keep women down… It’s bullshit.” I’m like, “yeah, I’m with you.” But then on the side I’m like, “dear God, I’m sorry I live with this devil. “I don’t know how this heathen got in my bed. “If we die at the same time, “I’m totally cool with splitting up. “Send her where you gotta send her, big guy. I’m coming with you.” But my little girl wanted to go, and it makes sense, ’cause the church is the coolest building in the neighborhood, isn’t it? It’s got spires and rainbow windows and bells ringing. She’s like, “I want to see the show that goes on in there.” I was like, “all right, let’s go. “Let’s get dressed up and go to church. I’ll take you.” It felt right. Like when I was a kid. So I put on the suit and tie. She dressed up like a little girl’s version of a woman, which is hilarious… Little lipstick, you know? Everything’s poofy. Poofy dress, poofy socks. Little heels this big. She can’t even walk. She’s like a Billy Goat on ice, just… But she thinks she’s hot ’cause she’s carrying a purse filled with chapstick and pennies, you know. And I feel great too, ’cause I’m walking with the cutest puppy on earth. Everybody that comes by, “she’s so cute.” And I milk it, I’m like, “I know. “We don’t have time for this. We’re on our way to church. We’re filled with goodness.” Every Sunday. And we were having a great time. We were having a little date. She’s yapping. We’re holding hands. It’s a great time. And she gets up the church steps. The doors open. She freezes. Starts digging into my hand. She’s shaking like a leaf. She’s looking up at the giant, bloody catholic Jesus hanging from the ceiling. And I realize we never told her the stories. She’s looking at me like, “this is a haunted house.” And we sit in the pew, it’s all creaky and old, and old people are petting her. “Hello, little girl.” She’s holding her purse like a roller coaster rail. Just two eyes. Terrified. And it is a haunted house. You look through her eyes, and the rainbow windows from the outside tell the story of how he died, so it’s someone being stepped on and stabbed. And big thing where they christen the babies. “Daddy, what’s that?” “That’s where we dunk babies underwater their first time here.” Then this old lady gets up and starts crossing the altar on the way to the organ. I was like, “no, not the organ. This is not gonna go well.” And to say she’s old is a compliment. Shoulda been dead for years. It was like a wicked witch made out of beef jerky. She gets up to that organ. She reaches out her old lady talons. The veins are coming off like she’s been attacked with silly string. She hits that organ. Bom bom! All I hear next to me is, “I wanna go now. I don’t like it here.” Minnie Mouse is losing her marbles. Bom! I start laughing, I start that uncontrollable, you’re not allowed to laugh but you’re laughing, so now you’re snorting. “Let’s get out of here.””” Bom bom! Then the headliner comes out. The priest comes down the aisle. I swear to you, he looked like Dracula. Long head, the hair all greased back, and he’s in his robe, so it doesn’t even look like he’s walking. He’s floating down the aisle. They’re doing the whole smoke show in front of him, he’s… He gets to the microphone. “Velcome, everybody. Velcome.” I fall out. I am laughing out loud. I’m laughing. She’s crying. People are turning and shaking their heads. We gotta go. We gotta go now, before this gets any scarier. Before he starts talking about drinking the blood of Christ, let’s beat it. So we go running out the aisle. We get outside. Outside, birds are chirping, sun’s shining. We sit on the steps, look at each other, just start laughing like, “what the hell was that?” And, look, I don’t know what god is or that spirit thing that we’re always chasing, but whatever it is we were so much closer to it on the sidewalk together than whatever was going on inside that haunted house. But we’re not giving up. We’re going to a black church next time. ‘Cause that’s where God really lives. Thank you guys so much. You guys were a wonderful crowd.     Thank you."
1686242697-353,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Sam Morril: I Got This (2020) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sam-morril-i-got-this-2020-transcript/,"Sam Morril second one-hour special “I Got This” was released on the Comedy Central Stand-Up YouTube page in February 2020.  (audience cheering) Okay. Thank you for coming out in horrible weather for this. I appreciate it. This is a good thing. It’s a good time to be alive. Great time to be a man, right? The bar is nice and low. (audience laughing) It’s nice. I was with a girl the other night. She said, “I don’t think we should have sex.” I was like, oh, that’s cool. And then she goes, “Wow, you’re a great guy.” (audience laughing) I was like, that’s all it takes? (audience laughing) I’m pretty sure the alternative is a felony. I don’t know if I’m a great guy, but I’ll take it. I had a good mom growing up, you know? Ever since I was a little kid, my mom would say, “No means no,” and she was talking about cookies, but I put it together, you know? I met a girl after a show in Florida. I’m not bragging, but I do pretty well in Tampa, (audience laughing) and… she said, “I’ll drive you back to your hotel, “but there’s no way that I’m coming upstairs.” I said, whatever you want to do is fine with me. So, in the parking lot, we’re making out. She said, “All right, I’ll come upstairs, “but there is no way that you’re getting laid.” And I was like, am I being recorded right now? (audience laughing) This feels like a #MeToo sting operation. (audience laughing) So, very loudly into her chest, I said, that’s totally cool. (audience laughing) This is Sam Morril, March 22nd, 2018. (audience laughing) Timestamp. No, I like consent. Consent is the shit. Consent, that’s the best part, the consent. Sometimes I get the consent and then I just, I go home and I jack off instead. (audience laughing) Get a good eight hours of sleep. (audience laughing) And my friends asked, “Did you get laid last night?” And I say, no, but I got the consent, so, pretty cool. No, I take the #MeToo movement very seriously. I won’t even watch office porn anymore. That’s how… (audience laughing) You can laugh. It’s a nice gesture, it is, you know. I used to like office porn, but now I see it and I’m like, he should not have done that. (audience laughing) There should be a guy that comes on at the end like, yeah, he doesn’t work here anymore. That was crazy. There was this gay porn star. I was reading about this guy. That’s how I know this. (audience laughing) And he… I do a lot of reading. And he got banned from all these porn sites because he has Nazi tattoos on his chest, which you gotta be kind of a scumbag for porn sites to be like this doesn’t really align with our values. (audience laughing) We’re kind of a family here at Gang.net, and… We’re disappointed. It was hard for me to come out tonight, you know? It’s not the weather, it’s my neighbors are breaking up, but I didn’t want to miss it, you know? It sounds very painful for them, so I don’t feel good about it, but have you ever heard a relationship unravel from the comfort of your own couch? (audience laughing) It’s kind of nice. I’ll be watching the game and I hear the fight start and I have to hit mute so I can listen. (audience laughing) I was watching tennis and I just overheard her go, “Oh, yeah?” and I was like click. (audience laughing) She just yells out, “You have a tiny dick.” And I was like, cancel my plans. (audience laughing) This is more important. And then he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re a fucking bitch.” And I was like all right, so far she’s winning for sure, you know? Not even close. And then she goes, “Oh, yeah? “Your dick is so small…” So, she’s recycling material, but, still a devastating blow, you know? Not easy to come back from. And then he yells out, “Oh, yeah? “Well, your pussy stinks.” And I was like, all right, we got a match on our hands here. (audience laughing) And it’s going back and forth so much, it almost starts to sync up with the tennis match where it’s like tiny dick, stinky pussy. Tiny dick, Stinky pussy. So, finally, I had to knock on the door. I said, hey, it’s Sam from across the hall. Long-time listener, first-time knocker. (audience laughing) You guys are killing it. I wore a little referee shirt. I said both of you should drop your pants. I’ll settle this right now, you know? (audience laughing) Breakups, man, they’re painful, right? They don’t feel good. I got a text from my ex not too long ago. Out of the blue, she wrote, “Just so you know, “I’m seeing this new guy.” And I wrote back, oh, wow, okay. And then she wrote, “What, you didn’t think “I was ever gonna date ever again?” And I said, no, I didn’t remember signing up for the push notifications, you know? (audience laughing) I’d like to hear less from you and the HuffPo if possible. (audience laughing) But neither of you will leave me be. (audience laughing) You know, the problem is we have sex ed when we’re kids, but we need relationship ed. That’s where we need the help. I don’t need help with how to put a condom on. I need help with what to do when she starts packing her . (audience laughing) That’s where I need the guidance. She’s like, I don’t love you anymore. And I’m like, cool, Coach Mitchell did not cover this part, but I could show you where the is. She’s like now’s not a good time. I’m like, keep me posted. I wear a condom every time. You have to. It’s not fun, but you gotta do it. It’s like doing volunteer work. (audience laughing) ‘Cause during, I’m like this kind of shucks, but then afterwards, I’m always thinking good for me. (audience laughing) Yeah. I do it for the kids, that’s why, you know? (audience laughing) Gotta wear a condom. It’s not the best, but you know. Lambskin, anyone do a lambskin condom? Yeah, you do it? What do you think? You like it? It’s so much better? It is, yeah, no one else? It’s just me and her? We’re the only shepherds in the house tonight? What happened? (audience laughing) It is good, right? It feels better. Here’s how you do it if you don’t know. You in a lambskin, and then you eat a gyro, and then you go out in a wool sweater. You gotta use the entire animal. That’s how you do it. I feel bad in relationships ’cause I’m very disappointing, you know? I really am. I think women are like, he’s a comic, he’ll be fun. I’m fun. There’s other stuff. I’m like the Dominican Republic, you know? I’m great for like five days, and then… (audience laughing) Then I go this has some problems I was not aware of. (audience laughing) I’m not Haiti, but I’m in the vicinity of what that is. Weird time. And I feel for you women. Look, the #MeToo stuff, I get it. It’s a very emotional issue. It’s also a very important issue. It’s a weird combo, though. You know, sometimes I’ll see posts that as a man, it doesn’t fully resonate. I saw a post the other day that said, there’s nothing more feared than an intelligent woman. I was like that’s not true. (audience laughing) That’s not even in my top five. (audience laughing) And I frighten easily, but I’ve never been on the subway at two in the morning and been like, oh no. (audience laughing) This looks like a pack of valedictorians right here. (audience laughing) Hope they’re not summa cum laude. (audience laughing) So much has changed. It’s kind of crazy if you think about it. I think about some of these movies from the ’80s, these sex comedies like Porky’s or Revenge of the Nerds. I love those movies. They always had that scummy best friend. You know the guy I’m talking about? He’d always ask questions like, “Did you get laid last night?” If he said no, he’d be like, “This guy blew it.” I miss that character ’cause it’s gonna be extinct. They’re gonna remake these movies. They’re gonna have to write in a woke best friend. Some guy like, “Did you smash last night?” Nah, we just talked. And he’s like, “Well, sometimes a conversation “is equally fulfilling, so…” (audience laughing) That’s kind of cool. A lot’s changed. Some of it’s for the better, obviously. I remember in college not that long ago, they would say things like don’t go to that frat house. They roofie. That’s a thing they would say out loud. And I’d be, oh my God, should we do something? Like, no, just don’t go there. (audience laughing) That’s it? (audience laughing) I got roofied at a party in college by accident, but you know, it still counts. Obviously, it was an accident. No one at the party was like I’m gonna roofie that hairy boy over there. Let me… (audience laughing) Let me a passed-out werewolf tonight. (audience laughing) That is male privilege right there, isn’t it? I just told a room full of people I got roofied. I did not see one concerned face in here. (audience laughing) Everyone in here is like I assume things worked out for you, and they did. Still weird, though. Here’s what happened. I was at a party and this guy handed a girl a drink, and she said, “I’m too drunk.” And I said, I’ll drink it. And he gave me this hateful look, and I thought, why is this guy so mad at me? And then I chugged it, and I woke up the next morning, and I was like oh. That guy’s a sexual predator. (audience laughing) And my friend said you ruined his night. And I was like, that’s not how I want to think about it, you know? (audience laughing) You don’t want to think of yourself as a -block to some monster. (audience laughing) I prefer to think of myself as an accidental hero. (audience laughing) I have a negative-one rapes, so, you know. Statistically, you know… I can’t, you guys. I can’t take all the credit, you know? It’s kind of like if I was driving drunk and I just swerved and accidentally hit a mugger. (audience laughing) And some woman is like, “My hero,” and I’m like if you say so, but I might have a substance abuse problem, so… It’s hard not to drink man. It’s very hard. I work in a place where there’s a bar every night. I’ve been trying to be good. It’s very difficult. I read this article that said try to replace drinking with another activity like tennis with a friend. I was like, yeah, that’s a very helpful example. That’s always the crossroads I find myself at at 4:57 a.m. I can’t tell you how often I’m coming out of a blackout like I should have done doubles instead. That’s… I brought my Wilson racket and everything. You tell me to replace an addiction with cardio, that’s very helpful. I’m gonna start walking into halfway houses full of crack heads like have you guys done Zumba? (audience laughing) It’s so much better than crack. (audience laughing) They’re like, thanks, we didn’t know. That was helpful. Of course you want to get fucked up. Have you tried living? (audience laughing) I’m happy and I want to get fucked up. Have you watched the news? It makes you want to drink. Another mass shooting after another mass shooting. It’s always the same thing, too. It’s always some guy who’s like I heard voices in my head. We all do. (audience laughing) Everyone hears voices in their head. Good people just don’t listen to them. If I listened to all the voices in my head, I would be a sometimes-gay street fighter, so… (audience laughing) I know. It sounds like a confusing video game. It’s not, you know? Why is E. Honda butt-fucking me? Wow. That’s his finisher. (audience laughing) Every mass shooter, it was a very quiet man. That should be part of the background check for guns, right? You want this gun, you better be chatty. (audience laughing) Do my podcast. We’ll see if you’re an extrovert. I don’t trust it. (audience laughing)     It’s a sad time to live in. There’s school shootings now. It’s horrible, ’cause now getting held back is a real threat. (audience groaning) Do you want to go to summer school? Please, I’ve already done two tours of freshman year. I don’t want to… Some of these jokes, the content you’re not gonna like, but structurally, they’re gonna be really solid. So, that helps. It does help with it. Look, these shootings are so senseless and horrible that sometimes these anchors try to make sense of them on the news and they try to sound profound. It just comes out wrong. I was watching this guy after a shooting, and he said now would be a good time to be around people. I was like, yeah, that sounds a lot like where the tragedy happened, so I’mma stay at home alone. (audience laughing) And if I die, it’s gonna be from autoerotic asphyxiation, okay? On my terms. (audience laughing) That’s a better way to… That’s how I want to go. Peacefully in my own hotel closet. (audience laughing) That’s a weird fetish, right? Autoerotic asphyxiation. You gotta choke yourself to come? I don’t know. How do you even find out you’re into that? Are you just jerking off in a turtleneck, and you’re like, hmm… (audience laughing) I like where this is going. A little more presh… (audience laughing) I was just in California. They have a 10-day wait for the guns. That’s a good rule. A gun should never be an impulse buy. You should never be returning a gun like we made up, so… (audience laughing) You know what’s weird? They always bring up the founding fathers. Every gun debate, they bring up the founding fathers, right? They always say, “The founding fathers had guns.” They did. They also had wigs. (audience laughing) It was a long time ago. That’s how long ago it was. They thought a powdered wig was a good look, so… That’s my stance on guns. You could have a gun, but I think you should have to wear the wig. (audience laughing) Right? ‘Cause at least then, I can tell who’s dangerous from afar. If I’m trying to get into my apartment at two a.m. and I turn around and see a Ben Franklin-looking motherfucker, I just hope that’s not an intelligent woman, honestly. (audience laughing) Yeah. If you got to go in the hood, it’s gonna look like the cast of Hamilton, but… (audience laughing) They always bring up the founding fathers. They never mention the fact these people had a life expectancy of the mid-30s, so it probably wasn’t a big deal when they got shot. I would assume most funerals were like, look, he had three to five years left, tops, so. That’s like getting shot now in your 80s, which would almost be kind of cool. (audience laughing) How would you rather die? Connected to tubes for three months? Would you rather go out like a G? (audience laughing) I wanna die in my 80s in a gang-related incident. (audience laughing) I want my obituary to say, “Comedian Sam Morril was shot dead today at the age of 87.” (audience laughing) His last words: “Thug life”… (audience laughing) as he emptied the clip. There’s so much to be scared of, too, isn’t there? Incels, there are new words you have to learn. Incels. The involuntary celibate. So, they don’t get laid, so they become terrorists, and they look a lot like me. It’s very upsetting. (audience laughing) That’s a certain type of person, ’cause I have married friends that don’t get laid. They haven’t made the jump to ISIS, but maybe they should. ISIS lacks that type of diversity. They don’t have enough divorced men. (audience laughing) Just a bunch of dudes, “Death to the infidels,” and one guy like, “Also Karen.” “I mean, we gotta kill Karen, too, right?” You ever read the botched terrorist missions? Those are my favorites, the ones who couldn’t cut it? There were these guys around 9-11. They were getting too drunk at strip clubs in Florida. I love the fact that you can come to this country hating us, and then you go to a few strip clubs, and you’re like, they’re not that bad. (audience laughing) It turned out to be a false report, though, because they said they were going to strip clubs and dive bars and even college parties. I was like, oh, man, that’s such a bummer, because that’s where you want to meet a terrorist, at like a mixer. (audience laughing) They’re like, we used to be Al-Qaeda. Now we’re Sigma Chi, so… (audience laughing) The objective is still virgins, but, you know… (audience laughing) I think about it all the time. I think about all these scary ways you could die traveling. I read this story about a depressed pilot who nose-dove a plane and killed all these people on-board, so, you know, that’s gotta be a bummer. You know what the first thing I say when I get on flights now is I say, what a lovely day it is to be alive, and I just hope that positive energy trickles it way into the cockpit, and they’re like, yeah, it is good. ‘Cause I’ll be on flights sometimes, and the pilot comes on. He’s cheesy and people roll their eyes, but that’s what you want. (audience laughing) That guy’s still trying. (audience laughing) What do you want, a down-in-the-dumps captain? Hey, this is your pilot. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride, but you know, that’s life. It’s hard, so… (audience laughing) Says it’s gonna be a six-hour trip. We’re gonna land way sooner than that, so… Buckle up or don’t. I doesn’t matter. I’m gonna murder you. (audience laughing) Thanks for flying Spirit. (audience laughing) Depression, man, the depression is real. It really is. Someone sent me a very helpful article on depression recently. It said these are the foods you gotta eat if you’re depressed, which, thank God. If you’re at that point, just end it. Honestly, has that ever turned it around for anyone? I was gonna jump off a roof, but then I ate some dried mangoes, and I’m feeling good. They find your corpse on the sidewalk. I don’t understand. He ate so many cashews. Why would he… (audience laughing) I’m not built for air travel. I’m six-three, I’m lanky. I’m kind of weak, you know. I got a middle seat on my way back from L.A. recently. I get up to use the bathroom. I come back. The guy in the aisle is sleeping, which is very annoying, ’cause you knew I was coming back. (audience laughing) There’s no skydiving option on-board, okay? I had to return. And now I have to make a decision. Do I wake him up and piss him off? Or do I mount? (audience laughing) I think I’m more flexible than I am so I elected to mount. (audience laughing) And I have just horrible lateral balance. I did not stick the landing. My leg comes down on his leg. I’m on top of the guy. As I’m on top, I see his little sleeping mask come up. (audience laughing) What do you do, you know? I kissed him on the mouth. That’s what I did, you know. There was nothing sexual about it. It was a Godfather II Fredo kiss. I said, “I knew it was you.” (audience laughing) Mostly ’cause you were sitting here before, but… No, I’m not built for this travel-type lifestyle. It’s not working for me. I had to see a sports medicine doctor about my back and he gave me muscle relaxers. I said, “Hey, can I drink on these?” And he said, “Absolutely.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Are you sure?” and he said, “I do,” and I was like that wasn’t the question. (audience laughing) I said, “Are you sure it’s not gonna mess my liver up?” He said, “It’ll it up real bad. “It’ll be all right.” He’s not my doctor anymore, but we do hang out. He’s cool. (audience laughing) This guy texts me all the time. He texted me the other day, “Yo, what the fuck is up?” And I was like what medical school did you go to? (audience laughing) I’m gonna guess the Cayman Islands, you know. He tells me to swim at the rec center because of my back. I love it. I love the rec center. I don’t know if you ever been there. As a Jew, it’s fantastic. It’s just old Jews and Japanese men. If you had it bad during World War II, this is your spot, okay? Fantastic. Every time I go swimming, there is a morbidly obese woman on a noodle. She’s just floating horizontally across the lap lanes, and we just swim around her like she’s not there. (audience laughing) Part of the rec center code. And I can tell when there’s a new guy ’cause he looks confused, and I say, “That’s Cathy. (audience laughing) “I go right, you go left. “We’ve developed a system.” Then on the wall, it says “Rule Number One, “no swimming with diarrhea,” which I’m like, all right. (audience laughing) I agree. I kinda wish it weren’t Rule Number One. (audience laughing) I don’t know who that rule is for the most, the most motivated human who’s ever lived? (audience laughing) Some guy at home like, ugh. I’m still going, but… (audience laughing) “Rule Number Two: “Must wait two weeks after having diarrhea “to swim in the pool,” and I was like, all right, right out of the gate, mostly diarrhea-related rules, you know? Clearly, there’s an incident that we’re dancing around here. You know you didn’t pick a first-rate exercise facility when all the rules are like could you not shit on our stuff? It’s been a problem. (audience laughing) I love this place. Everything about it’s off. I went to the bathroom. I knock on the door, and the guy in the bathroom yells out, “Who is it?” (audience laughing) That’s not what you’re supposed to say. (audience laughing) You’re supposed to say, “I’m in here.” You’re not supposed to be expecting company (audience laughing) in the men’s rec room bathroom. (audience laughing) But I figured I’d give it a shot, so I said, “It’s Sam,” and he goes, “No.” (audience laughing) That was the right answer. (audience laughing) You’re gonna hate this next joke, but I’mma do it anyway. (audience laughing) This is how bad my back was. I read a headline in the paper that said graveyard worker had sex with over 100 dead bodies, and my first thought was that is a lot of digging. You know? (audience laughing) I know that’s a horrible person, but that’s also an unattainable fitness goal for me, and I would kill for that core strength. (audience laughing) How much true crime is there gonna be? Are you guys watching this like me? It’s so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we’ll keep watching, that’s what I say. I don’t want to point fingers here, but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate. I don’t know if you’re paying attention. I would recommend never going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with you, she really trusts you, or she’s taking a chance, you know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say, hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you know? I appreciate it. That’s all I watch is murder and standup. I’ve been doing this for a while. I see comics sometimes on Netflix. I’m like, this guy fucking stinks. I wonder if murderers watch true crime like, this is pretty disappointing. (audience laughing) Three murders in five years? I should be the one on television. (audience laughing) We all do it, but we’re getting desensitized. You ever just watch four straight episodes of Law & Order: SVU and it hits you, like, that was probably too much rape for a Sunday? I don’t know. (audience laughing) I’m not even paying attention. I’m folding laundry and I’m thinking, when did this become background noise in my life? I should not be consuming SVU like it’s smooth jazz, you know? The darkest plots you’ve ever seen, I’m watching one, the mom’s pushing her baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec then turns back around. The baby’s gone. That’s not even bad parenting. That’s incredibly efficient kidnapping, by the way. You got to give credit where credit’s due, ’cause she was crying, “I’m a horrible mother,” and I was like, no, you ran into one of the greats. (audience laughing) That was like the Steph Curry of abduction. That was pretty flawless. See it on these dating sites, too. I read this article. It said that you gotta be careful on dating apps now because there are these gangs that’ll post pictures of really hot women, and then you show up on the date and they just rob and beat the out of you. That’s gotta be a bummer, ’cause it already sucks when it doesn’t look like the picture. That’s gotta suck extra. You show up for your date at two a.m. at the bridge, and… (audience laughing) eight dudes are walking toward you, and you’re like, Kathleen? (audience laughing) I was in an Uber right after a breakup. You ever just overshare with the driver? He said, “How are you?” I said, “Ah, I had this breakup.” He said, “Let me tell you some about breakups,” and the second he said that, I thought I might have fucked up. (audience laughing) He said, “You now what I did when my girlfriend left?” and I said, “What?” He’s like, “I fucked everyone. “You think that helped?” And I said, “No,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) All right. He said, “You know what else I did? “I called her up, I told her all about it. “You think that helped?” and I said, “God, no,” and he said, “It did.” (audience laughing) And I said, “I’m gonna stop guessing “because you’re very unpredictable.” (audience laughing) Went on for 20 more minutes. I finally got out of the car. I was like, “Do you think that was helpful for me at all?” and he said, “Probably not,” and I said, “It was.” (audience laughing)     One of the hard things about dating now is a lot of younger people are meaner. They’re very mean. That’s how they flirt. I think it’s called negging. I was talking to a girl after a show and my poster was up, and she goes, “Wow, you look really ugly in that picture.” I said, “Oh, that’s not very nice,” and she goes, “You’re a comedian.” I said, “Yeah, I’m also a human being, so.” (audience laughing) I enjoy pleasant conversation as well. And I was wearing a striped sweater, so she goes, “Nice sweater, did you wear it on purpose “or did you escape a pris-on?” She said, “pris-on.” (audience laughing) Which kind of bugged me. I was like, “I feel like you don’t know “a lot about pris-on.” (audience laughing) I said, “I’d like to escape this conversation.” She said, “That’s all you got?” And I said, “I have to be meaner to you to communicate?” She said, “Hit me with your best shot, Mr. Comedian.” I said, “Rather not.” She said, “Come on.” I said, “All right, you’re very pretty and I’m very lonely, “and I would still rather masturbate than pursue this. (audience laughing) “So, yeah.” So, we’re back and my place, and you know, yeah. It works, negging works, I’ll tell you. It really does. I was making out with her and it hit me, I don’t even like this person. I’m thinking, what am I doing? I’m making out with her, and I said, “Maybe we should stop.” And she goes, “What, you’re rejecting me?” And I said, “I don’t think this is a good idea,” and she said, “I’m really turned on now “that you’re saying no to me,” and I said, “You seem like a pretty unhealthy person.” (audience laughing) She said, “No one’s ever rejected me. “This is the most turned on I’ve ever been.” I said, “Well then, you’re gonna be super hot “for this Uber I just called you, okay? “Hopefully get the guy I got. “He loves to fuck.” (audience laughing) (audience applauding) I went on a date with a girl. She told me her last boyfriend was 60, which I thought was kind of shocking. I said, “That’s a pretty big age gap.” She said, “Let me tell you something. “There’s no difference between a 30-year-old dick”and a 60-year-old dick,” and I said, “I haven’t done the research, “but I feel like there is.” I’m gonna go with temperament. I think that’s the difference. A young is like an intern, up at the crack of dawn, over-eager, down for whatever. An old dick is like a CEO. He’s like, this better be important, okay? (audience laughing) I don’t have a lot of time. So, we’re on the date, we’re making out in the bar. She starts going underneath my pants, just looks me dead in the eye and goes, “Why aren’t you erect?” I was like, “Erect, what are you, a transformer? “Who talks like that? “I’ll tell you why, ’cause we’re kissing and I’m not 14. “Have you seen the shit that’s out there? (audience laughing) “You want to get me hard, “tell me you’re a dental assistant “and your husband’s coming home in five minutes. “Then we’ll talk, you know?” (audience laughing) I watch too much porn, so, I do. I’m aware of it. You notice it while you’re having sex sometimes. Like, if we’re having sex and it was good, and while we’re doing it, I just said, “I will eat your butt,” and she said, “You don’t have to do that,” and I was like, “Thank you.” (audience groaning) I overextended myself. Thanks for catching that one and reeling us back in. This porn is just not good. It’s all these dark topics. I saw a taboo link on a porn site, so I clicked on it, and it was incest porn. I was like, all right, you called my bluff. That is taboo. Then the next one was interracial, and I was like, they should divide these up a little better. I don’t know. What kind of racist porn site… Every porn category is just shit you should never do, right? Like fuck your best friend’s mom. That’s rude. (audience laughing) Blackmail your boss; it’s a place of business. It’s criminal, you know? We need some positive porn categories to rewire us. We need categories like couple that’s been together for a while, fucks after autism benefit. You’d be like, all right, well… (audience laughing) I’m not glad I jerked off at two p.m., but they raised a lot of money for those kids, you know? Instead of the money shot, it’s just a link that says donate now. (audience laughing) This side of the room is really fuckin into that joke, huh? (audience laughing) And this side of the room is Christian. (audience laughing) They were raised well. I don’t know, man, I’m happy I’m doing this is New York, you know, ’cause I’ve been on the road a lot. (audience cheering) No, I’m not… I’m not (coughing) pander, so… (audience laughing) No, I’m useless on the road. I can’t drive. I can drive, but if you were in a car with me, you’d be like pull over, I’mma drive. This is not good. I’m bad and reckless. That’s a bad combo. You ever get cut off by a reckless driver, then you catch up with ’em, you gotta see what they look like? It doesn’t matter what race or gender. Every time I see what they look like, I’m always like, “I fucking knew it.” (audience laughing) Could just be a white guy, I’m like, “Classic.” This is a classic white motherfucker. Takes what he wants, contributes nothing to society. I’m only gonna do the example for white people, but, you know. (audience cheering) Don’t want you to get uneasy. I heard a guy yell at a cab driver the other day. He said, “Learn the language.” That’s messed up, right? And guess what? It’s sometimes nice when they don’t know the language, right? You ever call a car to the airport at five a.m. and you get a little Korean guy? Like, oh, this might be a nice quiet ride. (audience laughing) Then you get on the highway and he’s like, “Weather’s weird,” and you’re like, fuuuck. (audience laughing) This jackoff learned the language. (audience laughing) I’m a Yellow Cab man. I don’t like Lyft or Uber. It’s not my thing. You know why? ‘Cause you rate them, they rate you. You’re both on your best behavior. It feels like a first date. (audience laughing) Even they way they pick you up feels like a blind date, right? They’re like, “Are you Sam?” and I’m like, “Yes.” (audience laughing) I like a Yellow Cab. It feels like a marriage. Neither of you are trying at all. (audience laughing) The second you get in, he’s mid-conversation on speakerphone. (audience laughing) I’m in the backseat eating Caribbean street food. (audience laughing) We’re both hammered, you know? (audience laughing) No one’s putting on airs. You ask him, “Hey, can you drop me right “in the front of my apartment?” He’s like, “Nah.” I respect that. (audience laughing) Good for you, holding your ground there. I did nothing all day, man. I did nothing. I watched the news. I saw an anti-smoking ad. It’s weird that they can do anti-smoking ads, but you can’t do pro-cigarette commercials. Isn’t that weird? They don’t give ’em a rebuttal. (audience laughing) And I’m not like a big cigarette guy, but I like one when I’m drunk sometimes. It’s nice. I thought of a good pro-cigarette commercial. How ’bout this for like a casual smoker? A hot girl walks up to a guy in the bar and asks to bum a cigarette, and he goes, oh, I don’t smoke. So then she goes outside and bums them from another guy, and they go home together and they fuck and that’s the whole commercial. (audience laughing) There at the end, it just says, “Wouldn’t kill you to carry a pack,” you know? (audience laughing) Marlboro: Just in Case. All right, I got some momentum. Let’s break out the abortion jokes. (audience laughing) If there was ever a time. My friend just had one, and her boyfriend didn’t contribute to the cost, which I thought was not cool, you know? She’s going through it, yeah. That’s not a very noble stance, I don’t think. That is how low the bar is. I’m like, guy should pay a little bit for the abortion, and women are like, he’s a hero. He really is. No, even the most pro-life person I talk to was like, wow, chivalry is dead. That was the baby’s name, Chivalry. (audience groans) I’m just saying. That one’s not for everybody, that joke. I did that joke the other night and somebody yelled out boo. I thought it was the baby’s ghost, but, you know. (audience laughing) I’m just saying there are still gentlemen. If I knock you up and you need an abortion, it’s on the house. (audience laughing) I’ll throw my Delta SkyMiles card right on the counter. Are you sure, Sam? I got this. With all the rewards and benefits that Delta has to offer, (audience laughing) I’d be a fool to do otherwise. (audience laughing) I’m two to three abortions away from Diamond Medallion status, so… (audience laughing) I’m losing some of you, but I’m gonna take it a step further here. (audience laughing) I think you should get extra SkyMiles points with an abortion, because that’s one less crying baby onboard, you know? (audience laughing) That, yeah, I don’t… (audience applauding) Me personally, I don’t like doing that part of the joke, but I have a sponsorship deal with Delta, and you know, they get very upset when I leave it out. They dock me Biscoff cookies. Love those cookies. I was talking to a guy after a show. He told me there was gonna be an anti-abortion parade, which I think he meant to say march, you know? (audience laughing) I don’t think there’s gonna be a parade, but if there is, I’ll be there. I want to see what the floats look like. (audience laughing) That one looks unfinished. That’s what we’re going for, so, yeah. (audience laughing) Back-to-back abortion jokes. I got greedy, guys, I did. I got a little greedy. (audience applauding) I’m a pretty liberal guy, but some of my friends now are so liberal that everything turns into slavery or the Holocaust in every conversation, you know what I’m talking about? I was talking to my friend the other day, and he goes, “Trump is Hitler.” I said, “All right, look, “we don’t know how hilarious Hitler would have been “on social media. “That’s not fair.” Hitler might have had a strong Twitter presence. Trapped in bunker, sad. (audience laughing) Adolf’s trending. I came across the article the other day on the internet. Just said fun facts about Hitler, which I think is a great title. (audience laughing) I’ve always said there aren’t enough upbeat pieces on the Fuhrer. (audience laughing) Fun fact about Hitler, didn’t pay income tax, was very bad at managing his money, and I thought, man, it’s too bad there wasn’t a group of people that could have helped, you know? (audience laughing) Jews. So… You know where that joke did not hit? Naples, Florida, okay? (audience laughing) Terrible people. My least favorite city. I’ll never go back. I bombed four straight nights. I got into an argument with an 80-something-year-old man. I had a breakdown on the last show. I finally just said I gotta get out of Naples. He goes, “Well, you’re still here.” I said, “Well, I’ll be out in the morning. “You’ll be in a casket soon.” (audience laughing) And he said, “You’ll have to put me there,” and I said, “That’s not how time works.” (audience laughing) And it kept escalating back and forth. Finally, I hear a voice in the crowd yell out, “Grandpa, enough.” (audience laughing) That’s Naples to me. My dad called me to check in. He said, “How are you?” I said, “I’m in fucking Naples,” and my dad goes, “Italy?” and I was like, “Oh, no. (audience laughing) “These jokes are not taking me abroad, Pops. (audience laughing) “I’m in Florida, the bad part.” True story. I’m on stage there. As the start to a bit, I go, “So, I’m a New York Jew,” and someone in the crowd goes, “Ugh, no.” (audience laughing) Not a yes or no question. (audience laughing) It’s my heritage. Also, ugh, that’s our sound. That’s cultural appropriation, okay? (audience laughing) Not all gigs are this fun, man. I think my mom worries about my career choice sometimes. Some nights it’ll be a bad gig. I do casinos sometimes. They’re the worst gigs ever. You know, they pay pretty well, but they’re soul-crushing. You’re just watching people stand up one by one and exit throughout the show, some by scooter, it’s very jarring, but… (audience laughing) And the casino’s not even mad because they want these people pissing away their money on the gambling floor, you know? So, I go to apologize to management. They’re like, no, you’re doing a great job. (audience laughing) You should bust out the abortion jokes earlier tomorrow night ’cause those went horribly. But I think she worries. My mom worries a lot. I was with her the other day on the street. We saw a dead bird, and I said, “Ew, dead pigeon.” My mom goes, “Don’t touch it.” (audience laughing) I was like, what do you think happens when you’re not around? (audience laughing) You think I’m just walking around, let me grab this shit right here, hell yeah. Lunch meat.     (audience laughing) I don’t blame my mom for worrying, you know? I still get in trouble. I got assaulted in Burlington, Vermont earlier this year, which is not where you think it’s gonna happen. A lot of open-toed sandals, everyone’s high. I thought it was safe, honestly, but they seem like nice people. Bernie even seems like a nice guy. I like Bernie Sanders. You know why? Because he debates the way I’ve argued with every woman in every relationship. I know I don’t have a chance. I just want to get my ideas out there, you know? (audience laughing) So, I’m in Vermont, and I’m out after the show. I’m having a couple beers with some comics. We’re at a bar two blocks from the venue. Some guy walks up to me. I can tell something’s off about him, and he just looks at me and he goes, “University of Vermont?” And I said, “No.” And he goes, “Masters degree?” And I said, “You’re getting colder.” (audience laughing) And he said, “I want to beat the shit out of all of you.” But he’s only looking at me. (audience laughing) Yeah, and I looked him up and down, and was like, ah, he’s bluffing. So, I turn around. As I turn around, he grabs me by the shoulder, takes a pint glass, and smashes it over my head, and I thought, I poorly read that situation. (audience laughing) He was not bluffing. So, he runs out. They call the cops, and the first thing I say after he hangs up with the cops is I yell to the bar, “You all heard him call me Jew-boy before he did it.” (audience laughing) And they said, “I didn’t hear that.” And I said, “I did.” And a Jussie Smollett tale was born. So, they put him in the backseat. The cops get him very quickly. He wasn’t getting far on foot. He’s in the backseat of the car. The cops are examining to see how bad my injury is. They’re taking glass out of my hair, and the cop asks, “Did he smash a pint glass on your head?” and I said, “It could have been a pint glass, “it could have been a menorah. “It happened very quickly, okay?” (audience laughing) And the cop asked, “Do you see spinning?” I said, “Like a dreidel, it’s pretty rough, you know?” Then finally I had to admit it wasn’t a hate crime and they took the guy away, and the bar manager turned to me. He said, “Just so you know, this never happens here.” And I was like, yeah, I figured. That’d be pretty weird if you were like, “That was Scott, “so, Scott does that.” (audience laughing) Unfortunately had a bad string of luck on the road. Some of it’s my fault. About eight years ago, I was drinking too much. I was a young comic on the road. I was in Seattle. I was hitting on a girl after the show. Every 30 seconds, her friend would lean in and go, “Not interested.” Every 30 seconds, “She could do a bit better than you.” It would get progressively meaner. At one point, she goes, “You’re very unattractive.” And I was a drunk kid. I just said, “Get some more Botox, you lizard.” I’m deeply ashamed of myself for saying that, and it’s completely inappropriate, although if you were there, you would have been like, he nailed it, totally. (audience laughing) But she seemed furious. I couldn’t tell by her face, but she seemed very upset. (audience laughing) Me and my friend were laughing. As we were laughing, I get popped in the face by her boyfriend. I deserved it. She was a lizard, but she was his lizard, and I thought it was cool that they stuck together, you know? But this was foreshadowing. A month later, I’m in Cleveland, horrible time to be in Cleveland. It was when LeBron left the first time. Okay, yeah, exactly. I don’t know if you guys remember, but they did not take it well, and they made the mistake of having their whole economic plan at the time be LeBron and that’s it. So, it was rough, and I love Cleveland. I’ve always had good times there. I like the people. It felt like the whole city got dumped because it was Valentine’s Day, too. It was just a weird vibe. And I met this hot older woman after the show, and we hit it off, but she’s there with a guy friend, who’s just a friend, but it’s Valentine’s Day. There’s that weird energy in the air. He’s kind of going for her. I’m going for her. And he’s buying me drinks to keep an eye on me, and I’m accepting the drinks because I lack character, so. (audience laughing) He gets up to go to the bathroom, and I asked her, “Do you want to get out of here?” And she said, “Yeah, let’s ditch him.” This is how stupid I am. I take her to the bar next door. That’s my getaway plan. (audience laughing) I was like, seven feet to the left, we got this. So, we’re doing shots. We’re making out. It’s a very romantic night. (audience laughing) I’m glad some people laughed at that. I can tell I’m in a shitty city when that doesn’t get laughs at all. When people are like, that’s a very romantic night out. Dry humping and Jaeger shots, that’s how we did our 40th anniversary. So I finally said, “Hey, do you want to leave?” And she said, “I want to go back to your hotel,” and I said, “All right, then.” So, we go outside. The dude is standing right there, and I was like, oh, no. He goes, “Oh, there you guys are. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I said, “Ah, we’re gonna go back to my hotel.” And he goes, “Oh, yeah? “You’re just gonna her and then fly back to New York?” And I said, “Honestly, yes, that was the game plan.” (audience laughing) I was gonna pitch it quite differently. I was gonna say something romantic like, “Shall we make love before my expedition?” or something. I was gonna liven it up a little. He gets close to me, goes, “You want to fuck her, “you gotta fight me first.” And that’s the first time I noticed he was missing teeth, and I was like, oh, no. He’s been down this road before. And I’m not gonna fight him, because I’ve never had sex with anyone and been like that was better than teeth. (audience laughing) Never. After every one-night-stand, I’m like, man, it’s cool I can still eat apples after this. This is great, you know? I run down to the hotel lobby. I grab me a Macintosh. I go about my day. So I said, “Hey, I’m not gonna fight you,” and he said, “That’s what I thought pussy. “Come here, babe.” Doesn’t say a word to me. Just calls her over, she goes with him. They clearly have a weird arrangement of some sort. They start walking away. As they walk away, there’s a guy behind me in a white sweatshirt, matching white sweatpants, very underdressed for Cleveland in February, okay? He’s not quite sitting; he’s not quite standing. He’s almost perched, and as they walk away, he loudly says, “I wasn’t gonna let anything happen to you.” (audience laughing) “Uh, who are you?” (audience laughing) He walks over and he goes, “I police this part of town.” I said, “You’re a policeman?” He’s not. This man is obviously not with law enforcement of any kind. So, I asked, “You work for the bar?” He said, “No,” and I said, “Are you a vigilante of some sort?” (audience laughing) And he said, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) And he’s in white, so I said, “What’s your superhero name? “The Snowflake?” And he said, “I go by The White Knight.” (audience laughing) And I’m just drunk enough to be like, “Hell yeah.” (audience laughing) That’s all it took. I’m like, this guy’s legit. He’s got a name. So, we start chatting. I’m kind of baffled. I ask him, “You just wait outside and break up fights?” And he said, “I protect Downtown Cleveland.” I said, “Haven’t you been hurt?” He said, “I’ve been stabbed twice.” (audience laughing) I was like, “Dude, why do you do this?” He said, “Because I fucking love Cleveland, that’s why.” And it’s kind of touching, honestly. He’s crazy, but he’s loyal. They lost LeBron; they got this guy. It’s a horrible trade, don’t get me wrong. (audience laughing) But this is what loyalty looks like. It’s not always pretty, you know? So we start taking a walk. I’m taking a little stroll with The White Knight, and we pass the comedy club and my poster’s in the door. He said, “You’re a comedian?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “I could never do what you do.” And I said, “I could never do what you do, either. “It’s illegal and strange and quite alarming, to be frank. “There’s a real mutual admiration going on, you could say.” And we start chatting for a while about life and love. At one point, he asked me, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend on Valentine’s Day?” and I said, “Probably my life choices and my career,” and he said, “Me, too.” (audience laughing) And I said, “We’re not so different, you and I, “White Knight.” So, he walks me back to the hotel, and he said he’s coming to my show tomorrow night, and I said, “Great, so, I’ll see you then,” and we exchange information as you do with vigilantes, and… (audience laughing) I wake up the next morning, head pounding, and thinking did that even happen? But of course it did. You don’t daydream The White Knight. (audience laughing) First email I see just says subject heading White Knight, and I think it’s him. I don’t know that many White Knights. It said, “Sam, it was such a pleasure “to meet you last night. “Unfortunately, something came up, “and I’m unable to attend your show this evening. “Sincerely, your new friend and fan, The White Knight.” In parentheses, Joshua. That made me very happy. (audience laughing) Jews are very underrepresented as superheroes, you know? He’s our Black Panther, so… (audience cheering) I email back, it bounces back. I email him again, it bounce back, to the point that I’m like, this guy created a fake email account to contact me and then just disappear. It’s like in Batman when he’s talking to Commissioner Gordon and he turns away for a second and turns back and Batman’s gone, but you see the wind moving. He did that to me via email. (audience laughing) It was always in the back of my head. Years go by. I never hear from him, but I always thought about it, because I’ve had weird drunk nights, but this one’s particularly strange. So, it must have been six years later, I get an email out of the blue. Different email address, but it still says subject heading “White Knight,” and I thought, it’s probably him. (audience laughing) I don’t have a large White Knight Rolodex, so… All it said was, “Saw you on Conan. “Funny shit. “White Knight.” And I wrote back, “Hell yeah, dude. “You’re still out there White Knighting, “I’m still doing comedy. “We’re both still in the game.” And he wrote back, “Oh, no, “I’m no longer engage in White Knighting.” (audience laughing) “I now have a wife and a little boy “and we reside in the suburbs of Cleveland.” And I was like, this traitorous motherfucker. (audience laughing) Then he wrote, “How are you?” And I said, “I’m in Naples.” (audience laughing) And he wrote back, “Italy?” and I was like, “Yeah.” (audience laughing) Thank you so much for coming out, guys. You’ve been amazing. (audience cheering) I appreciate our night. All right."
1686241591-74,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,AMY SCHUMER: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2015) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-live-apollo-2015-full-transcript/,"My name is Amy, and it’s my show! ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Man, I been did that ♪ ♪ Man, I been popped off ♪ ♪ And if she ain’t trying to give it ♪ ♪ Then she get dropped off ♪ ♪ Let me bust that U-ie ♪ ♪ Bitch bust that open ♪ ♪ Might spend a couple thou’ ♪ ♪ Just to bust that open ♪ You know her from her hit TV show. You loved her in the movie “Trainwreck.” Harlem, it’s time to give it up for the one and only Amy Schumer! ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Get up! Get the fuck up, Apollo! Come on! Thank you! Please, sit, I– I would never ask you to stand. I can’t believe you all stood… of your own volition, thank you. That’s never happened. Thank you so much for being here. This has been an insane year for me. I started out– I made two New Year’s resolutions. I, uh… Number one, I wanted to catfish someone. Did it, loved it, recommend it. And number two was to this year just once take off a pair of underwear and have it not look like I blew my nose in it. Now… Same? Same? No? You’re kind of like, “No, no.” So you find a pair of underwear on the floor and you’re like, “How do I know if I wore it?” Please, you know. You know. She knows. I’m like, “Oh, cool they filmed “‘Charlotte’s Web’ in my underwear, wow. ‘Salutations’? Okay.” I don’t know why the guys look grossed out. Your underwear looks like a coal miner wiped their brow… at the end of a shift, a long shift. So my name is Amy, and I’m at the Apollo. Um… Right? You guys all look like you’re from this neighborhood. So… Here’s how I wound up here. Okay? Let me just catch you up. My two front teeth didn’t fall out until I was in fifth grade. Which is late. And that same week, I got my period. Which is early! So I was just like this jack-o’-lantern with tits walking around, like… Trick or treat. I was like Pinocchio transitioning to a donkey. I was like, “Hee-haw!” And I had one of those really cool moms who told me, “You don’t need to shave above your knee, just… here down.” So here up, I was just a werewolf, just… Mr. Tumnus here to here. Benicio Del Toro… beneath my torso. I’m so happy to be filming my special here in New York. I grew up here, I was born here, um, did my first everything here, um, still no anal… But I just love New York, ’cause it’s a town where I can get laid. Like, I can catch a “D” here kinda whenevs, yeah. And, uh, I was in LA for a little while, and, um… can’t, can’t there. Uh… Just in case you’ve never been to LA, it is, um, filled with the most beautiful people from all over the world. So, picture the most beautiful girl in your high school, like the one that you wanted to be. Okay? I’m talking to the guys right now. And everybody was like, “You’re too pretty for Buffalo, Brittany, go to LA. Go.” Everyone is hot there. Everybody, okay. I saw a guy, he was cleaning up a Pizza Hut bathroom. I would have paid this guy to fuck me. I would have paid him good money. I don’t– People don’t even see me there. Like, I just– They’re just like, “Is that a fat tumbleweed? Like, what’s…” My body type there, they’re like– My arms register as legs there. They’re just… They’re like, “Is that an octopus? I don’t understand.” And my legs register as firewood. They’re just like… like, “Why is the BFG on Sunset?” Just… It got to the point– I was in LA, I was so excited. Somebody tweeted about another actress. They were like, “She looks like a fat Amy Schumer,” and I was like, “Yes!” “It’s not me!” It’s so insanely— Like, if I go on an audition in New York, it’s for, like, the cute girl you didn’t notice ’cause she was, like, wearing khakis or something. Like, “There can’t be a pussy under there, those are khakis.” How would that even work? But then in LA, I’ll be in a waiting room, they’re like, um, “Amy, it says here– “Are you reading for the girl getting gastric bypass? Is that correct?” “Amy, who did you– Did you play Gilbert Grape’s mom? I can’t place you.” I’m like, “No.” They’re like, “Okay, well, you didn’t get the part. “But do you want us to put a hose on you, keep you moist, so we can return you to the sea, Blackfish?” It’s fucked up. And that’s not how it is for the dudes at all, okay? Like, I just happened to see the movie Zookeeper. Did you ever see that movie? Okay, if you didn’t, don’t, all right? Don’t see that. But… So Zookeeper is about talking animals, okay? And the male romantic lead is… Kevin James. Um… Oh, my God, I know. Is it wet in here, ladies, or is it us? The real King James. And, uh… And Kevin James is dating a beautiful, blonde skeleton. And… And he’s sad because sometimes she’s mean to him. And then… the girl who is in love with him, who he doesn’t notice, who’s been there all along, waiting in the wings, is Rosario Dawson… arguably the most fuckable actress ever. Rosario Dawson is just, like, working at the zoo, just, like, sweeping up koala shit. Like, “Please fuck me, Kevin James.” “Why won’t Kevin James give me his dick?” And he’s like, “Ew, you’re wearing khakis, never.” Like, that movie’s about talking animals. There is a beaver and a penguin that are friends and talk about opening a bed and breakfast. But that’s not the most unrealistic part of that movie. It’s Rosario pretending– She should get an Oscar for that fucking movie. Let’s see Meryl do that. I dare you, Meryl. Pretend like you’re dying to have Kevin James deep dick you. I… I dare you. It’s fucked up in Hollywood. That’s why I– I wrote a movie last year and I, uh… Yeah, thank you. Thanks. I did it. And I went like that, and then send, and I’m a hero and, uh… But they were like, “We’re gonna make your movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, this is so great, ’cause I love money.” Um… So I wrote this movie and, uh, and I just assumed that they would cast, like, a beautiful model-y actress to play the lead role and, uh, you know, like a Blake Lively or like a… Sofía Vergara… Verge… Verchair… Vergina… and, uh, and then I’d be on set just as, like, a writer with, like, a messy bun and a laptop like, “Um, Miss Lively, the line’s actually ‘My pussy hurts.'” And… And she’d be like, “Why is there a garden gnome on set?” And, um… And I would just, like, stumble back to my sad office. But… they were like, “No, we want you to be in the movie.” And I was like, “Oh, my God. Me?” They were like, “Yes.” They were like, “We just need you to do three things. “One, just be yourself. “Two, have fun. And three, stop eating food.” And I was like, “Wait a minute! I’m sorry, don’t people need food to live?” They were like, “That’s a myth.” So, I was like, “Okay.” And they were like, “No. You promise?” I was like, “You guys… “like, I don’t even like food. “I was just eating it ’cause I was bored. “Like, ugh. Who wants to, like, chew and eat food all the time?” Me. I do. It turns out, I need food and, uh… So they got me a trainer. And I’ve never had a trainer before, and this guy is the trainer. He’s like, trains all the Hemsworthses and, um… …like, Megan Fox and, like, an actual fox. Like, everything that you wanna fuck, this guy has gotten his mitts on, and, uh… And so, we’re meeting for the first time, and I can really picture him, like, it was like slow-mo. I saw him see me and wince. Like, “Ooh. Um…” He wasn’t used to this kind of cargo. So, he’s walking toward me and he’s smiling at me, like, trying to be brave like you would for, like, a burn victim. Like, he’s like… “I can see there’s a human under there somewhere.” And, uh… And like, I– I see him looking at me and I know he’s, like, assessing what’s up with me. So I’m trying to make muscles that, like, my body doesn’t even support. I’m just like… Like, I look like one of those inflatable things outside a car wash that are like… I’m like… And, uh… And so… he gives me this, um, this, like, questionnaire. He’s like, “Okay. How many drinks do you have in a week?” And I’m like– you know how you get just, like, just once in a while, you’re like, “What if I’m just honest for the fuck of it?” Like, “What if I just… What if I keep it real with this guy right now?” So, I’m like… “36.” “36.” And, uh… And he’s like, “No, alcohol.” And I’m like, “No, alcohol.” And… And, uh, he’s like, “All right, take me through what you eat in a day.” And he stops me at noon. Like, he had heard enough. He’s like, “I get it.” So… And then he’s like, “Okay, well, here’s your new diet, all right? “So for breakfast, you’ll have a smoothie. “And then for lunch, you’ll journal “about that smoothie. “And then, you put a peanut under your pillow and you hope you dream about pizza.” And I’m like… I’m like, “Um, I kind of have to stop you here. “It’s sounding like at times I will be hungry. “Um… Did I miss a couple of courses in there? Uh…” And he had to explain to me, like, “No, sometimes people are hungry.” And I’m like, “Oh, my God. Well, where are they? Can we bring them food?” Like, “I’ve got some extra stuff in my apartment, like, not a lot– Actually, let’s just get them their own food.” Um… And, like, that’s the secret I found out. Like, that’s Hollywood’s secret. They don’t put food in their faces, and that’s not an option for me. Like, I don’t know how it was… how it was in your house growing up, but in our– in my house, it was, like, you would eat till you were in a lot of pain… then you’d take, like, a little breather… and you get yourself back in even more pain, right? Like, I was born weighing 150. Like, I just came out swinging. Like, “Give me linguine, Ma!” That’s how it’s been. Like, I have never in my life– I’ve never said this sentence in my life– I’ve never said, “Oh, my God. I forgot to have lunch today.” Like, never in my life. If anything, I’ve been like, “Oh, shit. I had two lunches today… that lunch and that other lunch.” Um… So I was like, “I don’t think I can do this not eating thing. “What if I… just develop an eating disorder? Like, I’m a white girl. I can do it, you know?” So, I, uh, I made a decision. I was like, “I’m gonna get a late-in-life eating disorder.” And… So I binged regularly, and, uh… and then I was like, “Here we go. First day pukin’.” And… and my body was like, “No, bitch. No, we keep our food here.” It turns out that’s not available to everybody. What was available to me was popping all the blood vessels in my left eye. So… Not only… was I super bloated, but then I had this weird, dead lizard eye. People thought I was an oracle. They were like… asking about their future. And I was like, “I’m just hungry. “I don’t know. I don’t know about your future.” So I… Even from just not drinking, I did, I lost like ten pounds. And this trainer acted like he taught Helen Keller how to read. He was like, “There she is. There’s my girl.” So I showed up to film this movie and I was like, “I think I’m a model now.” Like, ten– I was seriously– I think a lot of girls are like this. I– We have like a sneaking suspicion, like, in the back of our heads, like, “Am I maybe gorgeous?” “I think I’m gorgeous.” Right? I’m gorgeous, but I just haven’t stumbled on the right hairdo, you know? But one day, on a whim I’ll just, like, cut bangs and everybody will be like, “Damn!” And I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, like, treat me the same, you guys.” “I’m the same person under here.” And they’re like, “We can’t, we’re too hard,” and I’m like, “I get it.” But then… But then my stunt double was a guy. Um… I– I thought I was so cool that I had a stunt double. I was just like– I walked into set like, “Where is she?” and they were like, “That’s Troy.” And he was dipping and had a beard. I was like, “That’s me?” They were like, “That’s you!” Totally tried to have sex with him. Um… I’ll admit that to you fine people. I learned, and I should have already known this because I’ve been on the road doing stand up for 11 years, and– Thank you. Now I get to be here. And I– This is gonna make some of you gasp. I have never gotten laid after a show, okay? I know, but that is the truth. Male stand-ups– puss as far as the eye can see, okay? And female comics– it is not that way. What I’m saying is I’m not in this for the dick, okay? ‘Cause it– I mean, I would be if it had led to that, but that’s not what happens. The stunt guy, it’s not my fault I tried to fuck him. He was very hot. I’m hot as a guy, it turns out, and… He was from South Africa, and I’m just, like, such a sucker for an accent, you know? Like, an English guy or, like, a deaf guy? Mmm. Mmm! That was a test to see if you were bad people… which you are. Um… I do feel bad about that. My mom’s a speech and hearing therapist for the deaf, and she’s gonna hear that, but they won’t. So… Cheers, you guys, thanks for coming out. I know that, um, some of you are here by accident and I’m sorry. Uh… The Apollo is a beautiful theater with subscribers, so some of you thought you were seeing “Godspell” tonight, but… Like, I have no information. I have no… I don’t know what’s going on in the news, ever, like, at all. My friends do. They’re very smart and they’re up to date, and, like, I try to chime in. Like, they were all very upset about Ferguson, and I was like, “I know, I can’t believe he left the show. “Um… I don’t know about this new guy. What do you guys think?” And they were like… I kept telling people I was gonna do an ISIS bucket challenge. Like, I… I’m doing the UTI challenge right now. Can you… Thank you. Thank you. A UTI, in case you don’t know, it is not a college online. It is… a urinary tract infection, and, um, I just got my first UTI at 33. Woman: What?! Yes– I made it this far. I know, unbelievable, right? 33, first– And nobody tells you how embarrassing it’s gonna be ’cause no one’s like, “How’d you get it?” Like, you know how I got it. I had sex… and then I was too lazy to pee right after. I chose to lay there, like a cum dumpster, just… Just a receptacle. Was I savoring the moment? What was I doing? And I didn’t want to use condoms, ’cause I’m like, “What if I’m allergic?” Like, I don’t want to risk, you know? A UTI, it’s so embarrassing, and then everyone’s like, “Just drink cranberry juice,” and that doesn’t work at all. And if you order it, everybody knows what’s up. You’re, like, at a steakhouse… “Yeah, the fillet and, uh… Can I have a cranberry juice? Um…” The waitress is like, “You want a cranberry juice?” You’re like, “Yep, yep.” She’s like, “Why?” “‘Cause I love it.” “No, you’re disgusting.” I got it. I was sleeping with a guy who’s my friend. Having– Like, friends having sex, there’s a real sadness to that. Like, I don’t know if you’ve experienced it, when, like, two friends are like, “We could stomach fucking each other. We should try that.” Just, like, hurl your bodies at each other and… and you’re just, like, thinking about it the whole time, like, “Ugh, I can’t believe Luke’s eating my pussy right now, like…” “That’s fucking–” And Luke’s thinking, “I’m eating Schumer’s pussy right now?” Like, it’s bad. It’s all bad. It’s really sad. And then… And then, you know, and he was like, really worried about getting me pregnant. And I’m like, “I was born wearing the NuvaRing, like, I came out ringed up.” And, uh… And also, I’m like, “Guess what, Luke? “If I got pregnant with your baby, “I would ignore all red lights on the way to Planned Parenthood.” Just… It would look like “Snowpiercer” out my window, just… It’s always the guys you would never have a kid with that’s like. Like, “I’m not trying to get your seed, thank you. Thank you, though.” Yeah, I have no idea what’s going on in the news. I read about the, um, when the celebrities’ photos got hacked. I read that. Did you guys look at their beautiful little pussies? I’m the only one, really? I looked at every little pussy I could find. I wanted to see if they were, like, magical and, like, almond-sized. Not that mine isn’t. I mean, you guys, I didn’t know you’d be sitting this close. Like, it’s very small, right? It’s a– I have a tiny— It’s like a Barbie. You can’t even find the hole. You’re like, “Is there a hole?” Tiny. Even in a light days tampon, I walk around, like, “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow… Ooh! Mmm!” No, if I, like, sneeze, that would fall out of me. I, um… At the drugstore, I’m like, “Do you guys have any futons I could maybe borrow?” No. It’s normal. I think my pussy’s good. Like, people always come back, you know? I’ve got a good… good return rate. Like, I’d know by now if it was, like, jacked up. I, uh… I don’t know, though.
 I’ve never really looked at my pussy, like… but it got into my head. “Amy, what does your pussy look like?” Um, probably like the mouth of, like, an old lounge singer, there’s, like, a cigarette hanging out of it, just… She’s like doing the Charleston and scatting. She’s like… She calls everybody honey. Just– I’m guessing. I don’t know. It’s a guess. They’re all beautiful, they’re all equally beautiful, I believe, but… The reason I don’t know what my pussy looks like is because women never look at their vaginas. Like, men, you look down, you’re like, “Oh, there’s my dick.” Well, like, hopefully. Um… But, girls, you would need, like, a hand mirror and to do some, like, “Cirque du Soleil” type… Like, it’s hard to find. And then the only time you see it is if you get a bikini wax. And they wax you and then they show it to you, and there is no faster response time in the world. You’re just like, “Yep, that looks great!” “I see it. Yeah, that’s great.” It’s like identifying a body. You’re like, “That’s her! Yeah, definitely her. Thank you.” Right? I don’t know any girl that’s like… “Hmm… Maybe a little more off the top.” No one… No one does that. I got a massage recently. I hurt my neck doing something that’s my business and, um… I know, that’s supposed to sound like I was, like, giving a blowjob, but I was honestly opening a jar of salsa con queso. I was like… And, um… So that I could suck it off of a cab driver’s dick and, uh… Never. – Uber, yes. – Uber… But, um… That’s me in an Uber. Mmm… mmm. So, my neck hurt, and I looked at this website, and it had music and it looked like a nice spa, and I realized– realized a little late in the game that it was a rub and tug. Now, it is fully my fault. Like, all the signs were there. This is– It’s on me. I’m taking responsibility. Like, I had to be buzzed in. Um… I don’t know a spa that’s like, “Who’s there?” Like, they usually let you come and go at your “leis,” and, uh… There were gold bars on the windows. I was like, “Ooh, exclusive.” And, uh… I swear, I got in there and they were like, “Are you law enforcement?” And I was like, “No, but I have been working out more, thank you.” Uh… And then the girl who came to get me, she was leading the guy before me out by the small of his back, which is body language for, “That’s okay you came on my foot. That’s okay.” And, uh… And then she walked me back to the room like she was walking me through, like, a fun frat party. She like– she’s like, “Come on!” She’s like, “Woo!” And I’m like, “Okay.” And then we get in there and that’s when I knew, because it was just two– It was just a steel table, like– like you’d examine people on in “Lost…” and towels, like, hardened towels. You know the color. And… and there was no face cradle ’cause no one had ever laid facedown before. So, uh, I still laid facedown. I was like, “Fuck this, I am not finding out what they do to girls here.” So I just put my head over the edge. And I was really trying to keep things on the up-and-up. I’m like, “It’s just my neck, girl, like, just my neck.” And she’s all upper thigh. She’s like, “Is this your neck?” I’m like, “You know that’s not my neck.” And then I just kind of accept it into my heart. I was like, “Amy, you know you’re getting a thumb right in the butthole. “Just accept it. Embrace it. “This is God’s plan for you, Amy. “♪ Let it go ♪ ♪ Let it go ♪” And then, she didn’t do it and I was fucking furious. Just… What about my butthole? I, uh… I– I would have let her go down on me, I bet. Like… I would let anyone go down on me, actually. Um… you ever think about that? Like, sometimes I’ll see people on the street, I’m like, “How bad would it get before I said no?” Like, when would I… I see kinda, like, a hot, like, newly homeless dude. Like, I mean, week one, doesn’t even have a sign or a dog yet, you know, just, like… just got out there. “Yes,” I thought. “Yes, that’s fine.” Some family members… like a cousin. Like… Not like a cousin you grew up playing with, like just one that you see at funerals, like that kind of a distance. He could go down on me. Any girl, any girl. I mean, I could never go down on a girl, though. I couldn’t do it. If a pussy were ever in front of me and it was, like, go time, it would be like I was, like, trying to jump into Double Dutch. I would be like… “I can’t. You’re a beautiful girl. “I’m so sorry, I can’t. Thank you for braiding my hair.” Um… I’m, like, seriously winded from just, like, moving my body for two seconds. They’re like, “Oh, she’s gonna sweat again.” I, uh, before I left LA, I– my agent got me courtside seats to a Laker game. And I don’t care about basketball, or any sport, at all. But courtside, I thought it would be free booze, and it’s not, it turns out. I’m like, “Do you have to be, like, the point guard to get a merlot? This is horrible.” But I go to the game and I was like, “This is a fancy event. Like, I want to bring it, I want to look great,” you know? And I did. I put on, like, blush, and like… that’s it, but, like… Like, so much blush, you know? Like, a lot of blush and… I was really kind of feeling myself, you know? I just walk in and I’m like, “Here I am. Like, feast your eyes,” and then the first person I saw was literally Kate Upton. And I was like, “Oh, I get it. “I’m not a real woman, I’m just harvesting organs for one.” So if Kate was ever like, “My liver feels weird,” I’d be like, “Well, here,” and then, like, bleed out. And she’d be like, “Do you have anything smaller?” And, uh… I don’t know why my, like, liver’s flopping around her hand. So I see Kate Upton and I knew, I knew she wanted to talk to me because beautiful girls love funny girls. They think we’re like clowns, you know? Like, I just knew. She’s gonna, like, poke me. Like, “Do your clown thing.” And I’m like, “I don’t want to.” But… And funny girls do not want anything to do with beautiful girls. And you guys are like, “Amy, but you’re both.” Oh, my God, thank you guys for all thinking that. All of you, every one of you, every single one of you, and all my ex-boyfriends. Oh, my God. Like, you can have it all. Um… I don’t like talking to really hot people. I’m very grossed out being around someone gorgeous. But my friend talked to her and he was like, “She was actually really funny,” and I was like, “Fuck you.” No way. There’s no way. We just have such low expectations for hot– for hot people to be anything. I’m like, “You were probably blown away she wasn’t just sitting there playing with her tits and drooling Like… I’m like, “What did she say that was so funny?” And he was like, “Well, we were talking “about playing pool later and she was like, ‘Get ready to lose.'” I was like, “Oh, when’s her hour special coming out on HBO? What a great…” Fuck you. Wouldn’t that have gone so different if it were like just a normal-looking girl? She’s like, “Get ready to lose.” They would have been like, “Did you hear that cunt? Like, what a fucking…” But instead they were like, “Oh, my God, you should be Seinfeld.” Um… Ugh. Attractive people have their own weird rules. They have hot people contests. Did you ever see a beauty pageant? Has anybody? Okay, here. I saw “Miss USA” this year. Here’s what happens, okay? These very tan… very hungry… cadavers… they walk back and forth… across the stage like they’re haunting it. Just… You’re like, “We see you.” They’re like, “No, you don’t.” And they make them wear a sash so they can remember where they’re from. And these girls, it’s the weirdest thing. Different outfits all night. Just… And they’re so nervous. And you’re like, “Why are they so nervous? Like, they’re just walking.” “Oh, this outfit. What is it?” But it’s because at the end of the night, they make them do this thing, it’s so fucked up. They dim the lights, and they change the music, and they make these poor girls answer one question. Just one. They’re just like– The hosts are very patient with them. They’re like, “Okay, look, ladies, “you knew this was coming. You’re gonna have to form a sentence.” And they can’t believe they have to– They’re all holding each other and weeping. Like, “No! Words!” And they can’t do it. And you know they’ve been coached. Like, just say “education” and get the fuck out of there. And they can’t. They can’t do it. The one who wins, the one they crown the winner is just the one that doesn’t, like, blurt out the N-word. They’re like, “You did it!” She’s like, “I did it! But I was thinking it!” They’re like, “Shh!” Like, “Oh! I wanna thank Michigan and…” It’s insane. They all answer like that one person on “Family Feud” that just blows it, you know? I love “Family Feud,” first of all. Isn’t it the best? Everyone’s in the same shirt and they’re just like, “We’re the White family!” “And we’re the Black family!” And then… And then there’s always one person. It’s like a softball question, too. It’s like, “Favorite place to see a movie.” “Microwave!” And the family is like, “Good answer. Good answer.” But you know they’re thinking, “You’re not gonna be buried with the rest of us, okay?” I want them to do a “Where Are They Now?” with people who blew it on “Family Feud.” Like… just, like, ten years later. Forget about the plane ride home, which you know is horrible. It’s like Thanksgiving ten years from then and he’s like, “Can somebody pass the mashed potatoes?” They’re like, “Why don’t you look “in the microwave, Terry? You fucking idiot! Watch a movie while you’re in there!” So anyway, I’m at this Laker game and, uh… Actually, I, um, I didn’t see “Miss America,” but I heard that the girl, like, had a really good response. They asked her, like, “How would you solve ISIS?” And, yeah, she had a good answer, but, like, why are you asking her that? Like, in the middle of her– Like they’re just gonna, like, chopper her to the Pentagon and be like… Obama’s gonna be like, “We like what we heard back there, we want to hear more.” Like, why? The whole reason I got tickets to the game, um, he gave me these seats because he thought I was mad at him for sexually harassing me… which I wasn’t. Like, I’m 33. I really appreciate that shit right now. I just… You know, when you’re in your 20s, if you walk past a construction site and they’re like, “Yeah,” you’re like, “How dare you! My secret bits!” But… In your 30s, you walk past and you’re like, “What about this, huh?” My skirt’s, like, over my head. I’m like… “Aah!” They’re like, “We’re eating.” I’m like… “Aah!” That shit changes. It does. Who here is in their 40s? What about 30s? 20s? Do you hear that hope? Remember? Do you remember 20s hope? Do you? I kinda do. You know, you just walk around like, “Everything’s gonna work out. Everybody’s always gonna want to fuck me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, cool. Cellulite on my hands and feet.” Um… In your 20s, you’re so corrupt with power, especially if you’re in love in your 20s. Remember 20s love? You’re just so arrogant. You’re like, “We’re so lucky we found each other. What are all these sad songs about?” I think of 20s love the same as the tsunami, because I read that in the tsunami, the tide was way in, so, fish were flopping around the shore and people were, like, psyched. They were gathering them with baskets. Like, “I can’t believe my luck. Look at all these fish!” That’s, like, 20s love. You’re like, “For me and me!” And then you’re like, “Oh, fuck!” And it murders you. But yeah. But enjoy it. Um… Enjoy it. That’s why I’m so annoyed I’m single again. That means I’m gonna have to go out with a new dude and he’ll– We’ll go to the movies and he’ll be like, “Do you want to get a popcorn?” and I’ll be like, “Oh, my God, “I hadn’t even thought about it. “Um… that’s not the whole reason I wanted to come see this piece of shit movie.” I’ve left so many movies right after the previews ’cause I finished my popcorn. And then he’s like, “What size do you want?” and I’m like… “Small, look at me.” Meanwhile, a small popcorn, like, that’s like taking one Advil. Like, get the fuck out of here. It’s like taking six Xanax. Like, why are you wasting my time? Small popcorn. And then the cashier is like, “For $15, you can get one more handful,” and I’m like, “That sounds like a great deal. We’ll take it.” You sit in there and you’re supposed to act like you’re not thinking about the popcorn and you’re just watching the movie, like, “Oh, I forgot that we even had popcorn.” But really, I just want to, like, push his eyes in with my thumbs… and just dump the popcorn all over my face and head and just run out screaming, “You would have found out anyway, motherfucker!” So I’m single. Um… I know, you guys are all thinking, like, “Amy, this is all great, but how do we date you?” Um, you can’t. And not just ’cause I’m not totally out of the woods with this UTI, but also… I am not on any dating sites. Like, the only app I have on my phone like that is Foodspotting, which is like Tinder but for food. So, it lets you know about foods in your area. Uh… Like the other day I was, like, eyeing up, like, this one scone and it was under a mile away, I was like, “Is this a coincidence? Like, I don’t–” It’s like, “Yes.” And then, uh… I’m like, “Should I go?” and my friends are like, “Go! Like, go! See!” and I’m like, “Okay.” So I went and I kind of, like, sidled up to the scone and it’s like, “Oh, my God, you look just like your picture. Do you want to come home with me?” Um… And I was, like, I was hungry, so I was putting a little butter on saltines… but then I kinda took a look at myself. I’m like, “Hold on, Amy. “Like, you’re not Martha Stewart, “just put the butter and the cracker in your mouth and they’ll find each other in there.” Who am I? I’m like the “Barefoot Contestant” or whatever. I’m like, “Uh!” Dirtying a knife. So, I was dating someone for a little bit this year. I was dating an infectious disease doctor ’cause two birds. And… What do you want? And he wound up being a, like, an insane alcoholic and that’s my thing. Uh… I feel like in most relationships, there’s, like, one alcoholic, and then, like, one person who’s sad about it, and I wanted to be, like, the fun one. So, I called my mom, um, because nothing makes her happier than me being alone, and she’s like, “Oh, my God, will I be seeing you more?” Um… and I’m like, “Yes, Mom,” and she starts giving me advice. She’s like, “Am, you need to love like you’ve never been hurt,” and I’m like, “Are you reading off of a bumper sticker right now?” Like… she’s like, “Dance like no one’s watching.” Like, dance like a couple of people are watching. Right? Even if you’re alone, maybe hold it together. Cross the street like no cars– What? I was thinking about this last night and I was having a little, um, wine and… weed and an Ambien, um… or as I call it, tucking myself in. Um… Good night, moon. And… I… I am a good person. I swear to you. Like, I’m very old-school. I think the guy should always pay on the first date for sex and… I’m a romantic. I’m labeled a sex comic. Like, that’s in interviews. People are always like, “So you– you talk about sex,” and I’m like… I think it’s just ’cause I’m a girl. I feel like a guy could get up here and literally pull his dick out and everybody would be like, “He’s a thinker.” But… Right? It’s true. But then I mention one UTI and everyone just thinks I walk around leaving, like, a snail trail of cum, I’m just like… And they’re like, “Oh, Amy’s been here.” Cum is unsettling, isn’t it? I don’t say that to shock you or– or get your attention– Like, “Oh, no she didn’t.” Like, I’m just reminding you that we’re all disgusting. No one in here is better than anyone else. Like, you’ve all caught a hot load, you know? Like, if that provides you with discomfort, you’re just looking at it the wrong way. We need to be nicer about cum. We really do. Cum gives us life, you know? Gandhi was cum. Oprah– cum. Oprah could have wound up all over somebody’s tits, but no… we got Oprah. Thank you, cum. And yes, it is sticky and gross and no one ever wants it in their mouth ever, ever, ever, but… we need to change how we’re thinking about it. It’s not a wonderfully regal moment as a woman when you take a load. Um… when someone cums in you, you’re not like, “We can do it. I’m glad I leaned in.” It’s not– But it’s a fact of life. All the greatest women have dealt with it, okay? Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Diane Sawyer. Michelle Obama, who I love, like the rest of us, probably once a week has to carefully walk to the bathroom. Just squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. It’s the White House. It’s probably a long hallway. Squish, squish, squish, squish, squish, squish. And with her perfect arms, she has to deal with it. Just… “This is more than normal. I wonder what’s…” Barack’s like, “Get out here. I want to talk about those e-mails.” She’s like, “I’m cleaning out your troops right now.” Yeah, I am labeled a sex comic and… I just think that sex is explained incorrectly as far as men and women’s roles go. It’s like, we’re all told over and over again, men love sex and women just deal with it, right? Like, every article, every sitcom, it’s always the guy getting home from work like, “Honey, how about tonight, huh?” And she’s always like, “Blah! You know I hate your dick. Laundry, laundry.” It’s insane. I don’t know any girls like that. Every girl I know likes having sex. I love having sex. Not a weird amount, but like a normal person. All of my friend– I mean, one of them doesn’t, but we think something, like, happened to her. But… but you’re made to feel really disgusting and weird if you’re a girl who likes to have sex. Like, I’ve dated some guy– I would say 50% in the relationships, I initiate the sex, and then 50% we don’t have it. Um… No, but I’ve been in relationships where it’s always the dude, like and then you, like, later realize he was a sex addict, which– Have you ever dated a sex addict? It’s so fun at first when you don’t know. You’re like, “Am I the hottest piece of ass in the world?” And then you’re like, “Oh, no, he would fuck a mailbox.” Um… Which is why I’m dressed like this. Uh… but… And then, you know, I’ve dated guys where I always have to initiate and that’s embarrassing. It’s because I used to fuck really dumb guys and I miss that so very, very much. Dumb guys really pound you… ’cause they’re dumb. I love men, though. I really do. I was on the subway the other day and I heard these two guys having this conversation. So there’s two of them. They’re standing on the subway and they’re like… He’s like, “Dude, you gotta go to this bar. They give you chips as soon as you sit down.” And the other guy goes, “Yeah, but they don’t refill ’em, right?” He’s like, “They refill ’em the whole time. He goes, “Sick!” And then they were quiet for, like, ten stops. Just kinda like… just, like, basking in the great exchange. I just– I just loved them, you know? I just looked at them like, “I want that. Why can’t that be me?” ‘Cause you know, if it had been two girls, I would have been looking, thinking, “That’s so cool that these two special needs women… found each other, you know?” If it had been me and a girlfriend and I was like, “They give you chips. They give you–” You’d be like, “Oh, my God, where’s their stop? Like, don’t they have an attendant?” You’d be worried. But I like creative types. I fucked up. I got to an age, I want to be able to have a conversation with someone, like an idiot, and the creative types, they’re all… ugh, like, comics and artists. They all– You have to treat their dick like a soufflé in the oven. You can’t make a big motion or loud noise near it or it’ll fall and you have to start over with a good attitude. Is that how you jerk someone off? Am I doing it? It’s crazy. Like, we– It’s crazy that we get– we get guilted about this. Like, women wanna cum. Of course we wanna cum. What girls are having sex like, “Oh, no, I’m just– I’m just honored to be “witnessing your process. I– It’s just so cool “to be a part of– No, I don’t want to feel “the one good thing we’re allowed as humans. No, I– This is just you. Please, anywhere.” Um… Make your girls cum, guys. It’s just explained incorrectly. It’s just… I remember as a very young girl, too young, it was broken down for me. It was like, “Be careful, Amy. “Men only want one thing. They are all gonna try and fuck you!” I was like, “Okay.” And then I waited. “Let’s see. Am I on the wrong street? Are they…” I do like talking about sex. I like hearing about it more. Like, I love hearing sex acts, you know? There’s, like, terms for all those– all that stuff. Like, there’s a… the donkey punch, you know, or, like, the dirty Sanchez. These are the ones– the classics that we all grew up with, right? Those are, like, the “To Kill a Mockingbird” of sex terms. But there are so many that you’ve never heard of. I love hearing new ones. There’s, like… there’s the dirty Rochester… Did you ever hear of that? Okay, that is where the guy shits on your chest while he’s on a business trip to Rochester. Is that maybe not really a thing and I was perhaps lied to? I love– There– there’s the dolphin. That’s where the guy tries to put it in the girl’s butt and she goes, “Ehh-ehh, ehh-ehh.” That’s, like, a fun family one. There’s… the Alaskan pipeline, which, um… a guy shits in a condom, freezes it… and then you know what? I won’t say the end of it ’cause it doesn’t end, like, in a super romantic, like, “Notebook-y” type way. She doesn’t like, pull it out and find a ring on it and say, like, “Yes!” There’s no good one for the girl. There’s no, like, wacky Shirley where she sits on his face and reads her tweets, like, there’s nothing. We have nothing. Does anyone know one that’s good for the girl? Anybody? No, right? I asked that– I asked that in the first show and somebody said the minivan. Two in the front, five in the back, and… I don’t even know what he was referring to, actually. Do you guys know any? I love hearing new ones. Does anybody have– Huh? Man: The angry dragon. The angry dragon? What is that? Um, basically, when you’re– When a girl is sucking your dick– When a girl is sucking your dick– Oh, my– Wait, I love how your girlfriend looks right now. She’s like, “Please…” You’re his mom? Oh, my God! This is totally your fault, Mom! This beautiful boy you raised. Well, let’s hear the story of how you were born. Go ahead. Angry dragon. All right. Uh, basically when you’re about to climax, when you’re getting a blowjob, you push her head– When you’re about to climax, you push her head… You push her head at the back of her– I like that he’s acting it out. Like, he’s like, “This is what it looks like! Yes!” …and the jizz goes up through the nose. Up through the nose. What’s your name? What is it? George? Jordan. Jordan, I think you’re grounded. I love you, Mom. Thank you for bringing him. For raising him into the perfect gentleman. There’s none that are good for the girl. There’s one called the raccoon where you just punch her in both eyes and knock over her trash. Like, they’re not… That doesn’t even make sense. There’s the Abraham Lincoln. That’s where he– the guy trims his pubes, – cums on the girl’s face, and then… – throws the pubes… so she has that facial hair. You guys don’t like US history? I can’t gauge the crowd. What’s wrong? The worst one I’ve ever heard is the Houdini, which is where the guy’s having sex with the girl from behind, then unbeknownst to her, his friend subs in for him. Guy number one runs outside, knocks on the window, waves to the girl… which is just rape. Like, that’s just rape. It’s not fair to Houdini. Like, no girl is gonna think that’s hilarious. No girl’s gonna be like, “What? “Ahh! “Baby, I thought you were fucking me, but it’s Phil! I love you!” Thank you so much, Apollo! Muah! ♪ Yo ♪ ♪ Man ♪ ♪ Man, uh ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Bitches ain’t shit ♪ ♪ And they ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ♪ ♪ A hundred motherfuckers can’t tell me nothin’ ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ ♪ I beez in the trap ♪ ♪ Be-Beez in the trap ♪ Young Amy: ♪ Let me entertain you ♪ ♪ Let me do a few tricks ♪ ♪ Some old and then some new tricks ♪ ♪ I’m very versatile ♪ Man: Mm-hmm. ♪ And if you’re real good ♪ ♪ I’ll make you feel good ♪ ♪ I want your spirits to climb ♪ ♪ So let me entertain you ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time, oh boy ♪ ♪ And we’ll have a real good time ♪ Woman: So easy!"
1686242107-205,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Rowan Atkinson Live (1992) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/rowan-atkinson-live-1992-transcript/,"Filmed in Boston, Massachusetts, at the Huntington Theatre, on 12 December 1991, this show features Rowan Atkinson performing a series of comedy sketches before a live audience. Aired on HBO on 1 March 1992 as Rowan Atkinson: Not Just Another Pretty Face. The TV broadcast was marketed on video as Rowan Atkinson Live. * * * A Warm Welcome [Scene: A stage bathed in mist and flashing blue/white lights. Red Lights can be seen in the background. We can hear the sounds of screaming and thunder.] [Rowan enters from the back of the stage, wearing a red smoking jacket, white shirt, black trousers and horns. He is the Devil. He holds a clipboard.] [As he reaches the front of the stage, the “lightning” stops and all the lights go red] Devil: Ah hello… nice to see you all here. Well, as the more perceptive of you have probably realized by now, this is hell. And I am the Devil. [pauses and nods to right side of audience] Good evening…. But you can call me Toby if you like. We try and keep things informal here…. as well as infernal. [turns to clipboard] Umm… that’s just a little joke. I tell it every time.
 Now you’re all here for eternity.. oooh, which I hardly need tell you is a HECK of a long time. So you’ll all get to know each other pretty well by the end but for now I’m going to have to split you into groups and would you stop screaming?! [screaming FX stops] Thank you. Now, murderers? Murderers over here please. Thank you. [throughout this bit he makes appropriate gestures, pointing out to various points around the stage and audience] Looters and Pillagers over here. Um, thieves if you could join them.. and.. Lawyers you’re in that lot as well. Fornicators, if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! I think I’ll split you into adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner. Hmmm… the French are you here? Yes. If you’d just come down here with the Germans… I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about. Okay,, ummm,,, Atheists? Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits. And finally… Christians. Christians? Ah, Yes I’m sorry, I’m afraid it turns out the Jews were right. Okay right, well… are there any questions? Yes?
 No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. If you’d read your bible you might have seen that it was “damnation without relief”. So if you didn’t go before you came then I’m afraid you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much. But I believe that’s the idea. [gestures off stage at unseen person] Well, it’s over to you Adolph. And I’ll catch you all later at the barbecue.. Bye. [Exit Rowan as stage fades to black] * * *     Fatal Beatings [Scene: An office with a desk and two chairs, one on each side of the desk. On the visitors side sits a man in glasses. This is Mr. Perkins. Rowan (a school headmaster) enters from the back carrying a tea set. During the following conversation he prepares a cup for himself and his visitor] HEADMASTER: Well now Mr. Perkins, it was good of you to come in. I realize that you are a busy man but I don’t think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone. PERKINS: No, no absolutely headmaster. I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble then I want to nip it in the bud. HEADMASTER: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behavior has left a great deal to be desired. PERKINS: Oh dear. HEADMASTER: He seems to take no interest in school life WHAT-so-ever. He refuses to muck in on the sports field. And its weeks since any master has received any written work from him. PERKINS: Dear me. HEAD: Quite frankly Mr. Perkins, if he wasn’t dead I’d have him expelled. [long pause as Headmaster sits down and sips his tea. Perkins looks up.] PERKINS: I beg your pardon? HEAD: Yes! Expelled! If I wasn’t making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he’s be out on his ear. PERKINS: He’s dead? HEAD: Yes… he’s lying up in the sick bay now. Stiff as a board and bright green. And it’s very typical of his current attitude. PERKINS: [shocked] But… [Headmaster stands up and moves behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: You see, the boy has no sense of moderation. One moment he’s flying around like a paper kite and the next moment he’s completely immovable. And beginning to smell. PERKINS: Well, how did he die?!?! HEADMASTER: Is that important? PERKINS: [incredulous] Yes, I think so! HEADMASTER: Well, it’s all got to do with the library you see. We’ve had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you’ll be glad to know the ring leader was caught, so I don’t think we’ll be having any more trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system… [Headmaster sits down, mid lecture and picks up one of the library cards] PERKINS: Wait… I’m sorry…. You BEAT my son to death? HEADMASTER: Yes, Yes. So it would seem. Please, I’m not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced…. PERKINS: Well, exactly what happened?     HEADMASTER: Well, apparently the boys were just slipping into the library and TAKING the books. PERKINS: No, during the beating! HEADMASTER: Oh, that. Well, one moment he was bending over; the next he was lying down… PERKINS: DEAD?! HEADMASTER: Ummm… deadish. Mr. Perkins, I find this rather morbid fascination with your son’s death quite disturbing. [stands up and puts down the card, walking back around behind Perkins] HEADMASTER: What I am talking about is his attitude, and quite frankly I can see where he gets it from. PERKINS:Well, did you have to beat him to death?!?! HEADMASTER: Well it was perfectly obvious to me the first day here, I fear. I wondered then as I wonder now if he hadn’t turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administered a few fatal beatings early on. [Perkins removes his glasses and stands up, looking as if he is about to “get medieval” on the Headmaster] PERKINS: Are you MAD?!?! HEADMASTER: I’m furious! In order to accommodate the funeral,I’ve had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday! [a bell rings and the headmaster moves to the door] PERKINS: This is preposterous! HEADMASTER: Yes it is. Or at least it would be… if it were true. PERKINS: WHAT?!?! HEADMASTER: I’ve been joking, Mr. Perkins. Pardon me, its my strange academic sense of humor. I’ve been pulling your leg. [Mr. Perkins sighs with relief] HEADMASTER: I wouldn’t cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit! * * * And Now, From Nazareth, The Amazing… [Setting: Inside a Church. Rowan is standing at a podium, in a priest’s robe and scarf. A little organ fanfare plays as he walks to the podium] And on the third day, there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee.
 And it came to pass that all the wine was drunk. And the mother of Jesus said unto the Lord, “They have no more wine”. And Jesus said unto the servants “Fill six water pots with water.” And they did so.
 And when the steward of the feast did taste of the water from the pots, it had become wine. And they knew not whence it had come. But the servants did. And they applauded loudly in the kitchen. And they said unto the Lord, “How the Hell did you do that”?!?! And inquired of him, “Do you do Children’s parties”? And the Lord said, “No”.
 But the servants did press him, saying “Go on. Give us another one.”
 And so he brought forth a carrot. And said “Behold this, for it is a carrot”. And all about him knew that it was so. For it was Orange.
 With a Green Top. And he did place a large red cloth over the carrot and then removed it. And lo, he held in his hand…a white rabbit.
 And all were amazed and said “This guy is really good! He should turn professional!” And they brought Him, on a stretcher, a man who was sick of the palsy.
 And they cried unto him, “Maestro, this man is sick of the palsy”. And the Lord said “If I had to spend my whole life on a stretcher, I’d be pretty sick of the palsy too!” And they were filled joy and cried out, “Lord, thy one-liners are as good as thy tricks. Thou art indeed an all-round family entertainer”.     And there came unto him a woman called Mary, who had seen the Lord and believed. And Jesus said unto her “Put on a tutu and lie down in this box”. And took he forth a sword, and cleft her in twain. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. But Jesus said, “Oh ye of little faith”. And he threw open the box, and lo, Mary was whole. And the crowd went absolutely Bananas. And Jesus and Mary took a big bow.
 And he said unto her “From now on, you shall be known as Trixie. For that is a good name for an assistant”. And the people said unto him “We have never seen anything like this.
 You shouldn’t be wasting your time in a one-camel town like Cana.
 You should be playing the big arenas in Jerusalem.” And Jesus did harken unto their words. And he did go unto Jerusalem. And he did his full act.
 Before the scribes and the Pharisees and the Romans. But alas, it did not please them in their hearts. In fact, they absolutely crucified him.
 Here ends the lesson. * * * Invisible Man [Setting: A subway train. Rowan sits on a bench, representing seats on the subway. Lights on a large projection screen in the back of the stage, suggest the motion of a subway, as does the background sound.] Announcer: And now, in the latest of our series, “A Day In the Life”, we present A Day In The Life of the Invisible Man. [Rowan enters the stage and sits down] INVISIBLE MAN: Every morning, I go to work by subway. Very soon however, I get bored and decide to start annoying other passengers. I usually select the most respectable looking person I can find and blow gently into his left ear. [Rowan looks around to his left] Then, into his right ear. [Rowan puts a hand to his right ear and then looks at direction] Then perhaps down the back of his neck. [Rowan grasps his collar and raises a hand, feeling for a draft] It’s about this time that the man thinks I am a draft. [Rowan puts his hand down] But not for long. For I soon stick two fingers up his nose. [Rowan looks on the verge of sneezing as the man does this] Higher and higher! Removing them just before he sneezes. [Rowan sneezes, looking quite embarrassed] Then I start to manipulate some other limbs. [Rowan’s arms begin slapping himself silly.] Now I leave him alone. For about 10 seconds. [Rowan’s right leg goes into the air, then his left, ending with Rowan being spread legged and quite vulnerable] And when he is at his most vulnerable, I kick him in the groin. [Rowan makes an appropriate scream, and hops to his feet, looking at the imaginary people around him in astonishment. He then tries to sit back down.]     And steal his seat. [Rowan sits down then jumps as if having sat on someone. He then takes the seat next to it and the elbows the Invisible Man. We hear the Invisible Man scream as Rowan sticks his tongue out at him.] * * * The Good Loser [SCENE: Typical Awards Show Stage Any stage with a nice podium and curtain in the background will work. A male Presenter walks out] PRESENTER: Welcome back to the Oliver Theater Awards and we come now to the award for Best Actor of the year. And the nominations for this year are… Al Pacino for Death of a Salesman… Kenneth Branagh for Richard III And then two actors both in the same remarkable new play, Stench by Harold Bartworthy; And the nominees are John Daniels in the role of Mr. Trotter and David Falbert in the role of Mr. Gamet. [as the Presenter reads each name, a picture of each actor appears on the screen, except for the last David Falbert (Rowan), who is there for the ceremony and sitting in the audience.] PRESENTER: Now, these are four fine actors and I’m sure they all agree that the point is not to win, but to play the game….And the winner is… John Daniels! DAVID: Oh, SHIT! PRESENTER: Unfortunately, John is unable to be with us tonight. So I would like to ask his co-star David Falbert to accept the award on his behalf. David? [Reluctantly, David gets up from his seat and makes the long walk up to the Presenter. He then snatches the trophy (which looks oddly like a large stylized drinking glass) away from the Presenter and begins to make his way back to his seat. He stops on the first step as the Presenter speaks] PRESENTER: David? David! Perhaps you’d like to say a few words? [David looks as if he only has two words to say, but he does walk up to the podium] DAVID: Thank you Vanessa. Ladies and gentleman, what a delight it is to accept this award on behalf of my close personal…. acquaintance, John Daniels. John cannot unfortunately accept it himself because he is in Hollywood… staring in his first major film role… with Meryl Streep. I am however, NOT in Hollywood, not having been offered even a minor role in a 8mm pornographic movie! [David pauses to admire the trophy] DAVID: But what a delightful object it is that John has won. Although I am sure I will very soon receive one myself….. when I next buy ten gallons of petrol at a Texaco. So what is it that Johnny has got that makes him stand apart from other actors of his generation? Well, I think we all know the answer to that one…. syphilis! And what a great and heart warming thing it is….. that he has already started passing it on to a whole new generation of young actors. Of course, to win an acting award is always a great honor but to receive one here in the heart of London’s famous West End on an occasion such as this HUGELY diminishes that honor. What could be more dull than the sordid, back-slapping sessions where has-beens in tuxedos hand over to even OLDER has-beens in tuxedos, awards for plays that closed the WEEK before the opened, because the audience were clamoring instead for tickets to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s LATEST rearrangement of “Puccini’s Greatest Hits”! Therefore, I cannot say what a delight it is that John has won this award instead of me and I should like to announce my retirement from the acting profession, in order to begin a lifetime of work amongst the mentally handicapped, in which capacity I look forward to meeting all the members of the judging panel very soon. * * * With Friends Like These (aka Wedding from Hell) NARRATOR: Did you ever have one of those days when everything seemed to go wrong? I did. Unfortunately, it was my wedding day. And three men in particular were to blame. It started with the priest… [Lights rise on Rowan, who is in a black shirt with priest’s collar, white jacket and black trousers. He is holding a bible. A small makeshift altar lies in the background] PRIEST: I now pronounce you Man and Wife. Well done. You may now kiss the bride. [after a few seconds, he whispers to invisible Groom] Nice one. All right, please be seated everybody. I would just like to say a few words before communion. You know, a lot of perspective brides ask me these days, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” [The priest idly plays with a Communion Wafer] And I tend to reply by telling a little story about the first time I was asked that question. [The priest absently takes a bite from the wafer and then dips the uneaten half in the chalice of wine, finishing it off, during the next bit of dialogue.] It was a couple of years ago now… and the young, attractive bride-to-be came up to me after a service and asked just that question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” And I replied, “Well you know, Joanne, I’d like to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.” And so she showed me. And ever since, whenever anyone has asked me the question, “Father, what is the Church’s attitude to Felattio?” I always reply “Well you know, I’d LIKE to tell you. But unfortunately I don’t know what Felattio is.” [Lights dim] ANNOUNCER: Next, came my trusted best man… [Lights raise on Rowan, this time in a white shirt with a tie] BEST MAN: Um.. right right right. Um.. ah… Ladies and gentleman and fellow survivors of that stunning stag party. How did those two girls get under the table and what the hell were they up to with that toothpaste? [gasps laughs nervously] Well, umm… umm… Just before I left the house this afternoon I said to myself that the last thing you must do is forget your speech. And so sure enough, when…when I left the house… [Rowan idly pulls something from his pocket. It’s a pair of ladies’ knickers. He quickly replaces it. He says Woo in relief, thinking nobody noticed the incriminating evidence.] Um.. ah…. the last thing I did, yes you guessed it, was to forget my speech. So it’s all ad-libbed I’m afraid. Umm.. Umm.. ah…. [Rowan ums and ah’s ad infinite, doing a nervous tic on each um and ah. He should look as nervous and drunk as possible] Right. Well.. Now.. where should I begin? I’d like to begin.. now [nervous laugh] Ah. Right.. Well I’ve known the groom ever since we first went to school together at the age of eight. And you know he hasn’t changed a bit. Umm.. well, that’s not quite true, of course. He didn’t have his beard then. [nervous laugh] And I’ll tell you this, he’d never have been able to do whatever he was doing last night with those two extraordinary…. extraordinary…. um…. Extraordinary how little people change, isn’t it? Although I know that I’ve changed a great deal because I used to be an absolute ass! Always blurting things out when I shouldn’t. For instance, this afternoon I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to resist mentioning the BIZARRE sight that greeted my eyes when I opened this man’s bedroom door earlier this morning and…. Um… yes.. but.. enough of that. He’s started making gestures at me now, which I think means he wants me to CUT my speech short. So, suffice to say, I think he’ll make a ripping husband. And I think his wife’s ripping too. And I can only hope that.. that the dress will hold out [laughs nervously] So I’d like to propose a toast, to go with the pate [nervous laugh] To the groom and his lovely horse.. uh… wife. [nervous laugh] It’s all starting to come back to me now… [laugh] and I just know their marriage will be as happy and satisfied as I was when I paid off those two prostitutes earlier this morning. Cheers! [Lights dim] ANNOUNCER: And finally, my loving father-in-law provided the perfect end to the perfect day…. [Lights raise on Rowan, wearing a light blue jacket with his previous costume. He looks grouchy and hungover. A mean drunk if ever there was one] F.I.L: Ladies and Gentleman and Friends of my daughter. There comes a time in every wedding reception when the man who paid for the damn thing is allowed to speak a word or two of his own. And I should like to take this opportunity, schloshed as I may be, to say a word or two about Martin.     As far as I’m concerned. my daughter could not have chosen a more delightful, charming, witty, responsible… wealthy? Let’s not deny it…. well-placed, good-looking and fertile young man than Martin as her husband. And I therefore ask the question… why the hell did she marry Gerald instead? Because Gerald is the sort of man we used to describe at school as a complete prick. If I may use a gardening simile here, if his entire family may be likened to a compost heap… and I think they can… then Gerald is the biggest weed growing out of it. I think he is the sort of man people immigrate to avoid. I remember the first time I met Gerald. I said to my wife… she’s the lovely woman propping up that horrendous old lush of a mother of his… either this man is suffering from serious brain damage, or the new vacuum cleaner has arrived. As for his family, they are quite simply the most intolerable herd of steaming social animals I have ever had this misfortune of turning my nose up to. I spurn you as I would spurn a rabid dog! I would like to propose a toast…. to the caterers. And to the pigeon who crapped on the groom’s families limousine at the church. As for the rest of you around this table not directly related to me, you can sod off! I wouldn’t trust any of you to sit the right way on a toilet seat! * * * Pink Tights and Plenty of Props [Scene: A Stage in an acting classroom. A professor enters from the back of the stage and sits at a desk at far stage right] Right. Good morning everyone. Settle down now, please. Now, as you may know we were hoping to have Mr. Jeremy Irons with us this morning, talking to us about Acting in the Cinema. Unfortunately, Mr. Irons has had to cancel due to an unforeseen awards ceremony. But I have been able to procure the services of a local actor, Mr. Bernard Huffer, who was luckily not busy. It is my pleasure now, to read for Mr. Huffer as he illustrates his own lecture on Shakespearean acting entitled “The Actor’s Art”. [Rowan enters from behind a screen on Stage Left. He puts down a throne-like chair with a crown on it. He is wearing TIGHT sky-blue tights that leave little to the imagination. After a minute of laughter, he modestly clasps his hands over his naughty bits and then tries to pull his turtle neck down to cover the offending area.] “The Actors Art” by Bernard Huffer. [Rowan begins to do stretching warm-up exercises which he stops as the Professor glares at him. He comes to sit in the chair and put the crown atop his head] At the center of the Elizabethan world, sits the King. Upon the character of the King depends the plot and so there are many kinds of Kings. The Benign King… [Rowan sits, legs crossed, making a swirling motion with his finger as he regards invisible subjects and smiles] The Benign King with a physical defect… [Again, Rowan makes the generous gestures, but his right leg becomes stiff and stuck in the air] The Mad King… [Rowan makes a crazy face, while circling his finger by the side of his head, the traditional crazy sign] The Evil King. [Rowan slinks down in his chair, shaking his fist angrily as villain music plays.] The Evil King hatching a plot. [Rowan wiggles his eyebrows deviously] The Mad King hatching an egg. [Rowan pretends he is sitting on an egg and then looks down and lifts up. He then cracks the egg and starts cooking it in an imaginary frying pan until the professor starts glaring at him again. He quickly gets up, removes the crown, and moves back to the screen.] An important part was also played by messengers, distinguishable into many types. The Messenger Enters Bearing Good News… [There is a fanfare as Rowan walks in cheering and unrolls a scroll. He then exits behind the screen] The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News… [Rowan sneaks in to a quiet fanfare. He moves behind the throne, places an imaginary scroll on the ground, moves behind the throne, taps the imaginary king on the shoulder, and quickly sneaks back behind the screen] The Messenger Enters Bearing Indifferent News… [Rowan enters to a flat-noted fanfare. He hands the scroll around, looking quiet bored, seeing if anybody wants it. He then puts the scroll on the ground and points at it. He continues to point at it as he advances behind the screen. In fact, he reaches up over the top of the screen to point at it once he is there.] The Messenger Enters Bearing Bad News Which He Thinks Is Good News… [Rowan enters to the bright fanfare. He unrolls the scroll and double takes as he reads it. Quickly, his eyes scan over the news as he rolls it back up, smiles, and then tries to run to the screen. He is hit by something in the back, and staggers about yelling in pain.] Death came swift and often in this brutal world. [Rowan falls to his knees dramatically, and then just gets up and walks to the screen] Death could come at the hands of a total stranger. [Rowan comes out, walks around, pulls an imaginary dagger, and stabs an invisible person. He walks to the screen edge, glances back at the corpse, shrugs with indifference and then heads back behind the screen] Or it could come at the hands of one’s closest friend. [Rowan emerges from behind the screen smiling. He hugs an invisible person, letting an imaginary knife slide loose from his sleeve. He is about to backstab the person when they stab him in the stomach. He moans in pain and falls to his knees. Spoiling the drama, he hops back up and goes back to his screen.] Poison was particularly popular, applied to the frothing cup of ale of the unsuspecting victim. First we look at the simple poisoning kill. [Rowan holds a mug which he gestures with to unseen friends. He then drinks from the mug and falls to his knees making a vomiting sound. He quickly takes the cushion from the throne and covers the fake stain with it] And then, the Villain attempting to use poison. [Rowan shakes some imaginary poison into the mug as the villain music plays. He stirs it first by shaking the mug and then with his finger. He absently licks his finger and nods with approval before making the vomiting noise and falling to his knees] But in the end all of these are merely devices, amounting to nothing whatsoever without the plot. At the center of the plot lies the hero, who is King. [Rowan gallops out wearing the crown and assumes a heroic stance as the fanfare plays] He has a twin brother. [Rowan removes the crown as a different fanfare plays] Who is a villain. [Rowan slouches down and shakes his fist as the villain music plays] With a physical defect. [Rowan raises the middle finger on the fist he shakes] War comes and the hero must lead his men into battle.     [Rowan wears the crown and gallops back behind the screen] At the gates, the hero’s mistress waits to bid her lover farewell. [Rowan emerges wearing a mop top on his head. He curtsies, looks about timidly and then gives a gentle kiss to the air, rubs the tears from his eyes and moves behind the screen.] And the villain’s mistress bids her lover farewell also. [Rowan curtsies, and glances about as before. This time however the mistress slips out of her gown , sticks her tongue out and then does “push-ups” for two seconds before running to get out professor’s glare.] The war rages on for many years. [Dramatic music plays as Rowan backs away from the screen, swinging a sword about and then pushes forward.] Until at last the messenger arrives with the bad news of the death of the hero. [A quick fanfare plays as Rowan’s hand appears from behind the screen and just drops the imaginary scroll, the messenger being wise enough not to enter the room] So the villian becomes king. [Rowan emerges with the crown in villain mode, complete with raised digit and Richard III hunched back] But the message was wrong. And years later, the hero returns. [Rowan gallops out and around from the left side of the screen, looking heroic and good] In disguise. [Rowan clasps one hand across his face] Revealing his identity to the audience with a serepticious wink. [Rowan looks right at the audience, his visible eye looking as thought it will pop out if the bugs it out anymore] But his brother the villain recognizes him and they fight! [Rowan alternates between the parts, the villain swinging wildly with the sword and the hero merely wiggling his wrist] Finally, the villain is mortally wounded. He dies… [Rowan makes one stab as the hero, slips the crown on and goes into a dramatic death moan as he sticks the plastic sword into himself falling to his knees.] … In character. [Rowan raises his middle thing in the direction of the professor and mutters in a deep, dying voice. “Ah, ya bugger!”] Our hero wins his rightful throne and celebrates with frothing cup of ale, found by the side of his Brother’s throne. [Rowan takes his place on the throne, dons the crown and takes a sip from an imaginary cup. He clutches his chest as if poisoned and glances at the Professor who glares at him again. Rowan waves it off and looks quite health, until he suddenly makes a vomiting noise and falls to his knees from the chair again] * * * No One called Jones [Setting: Rowan stands at a classroom podium, a stern teacher] Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit. Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup. Come on, grow up please. Genital. I’m sorry, Genital. Herpes. Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick don’t you? Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you’d like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you? Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh. Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent. Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. All members of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humor and puerile innuendo about the school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out! There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven’s sake, leave Yourprick alone! I don’t care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place. I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferret. So there will be an end to this second form toilet humor where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick, detention Saturday. Right, I’m going to the staff room now, and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, then there’ll be trouble! Transcribed by Matt Morrison
 (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
 From Brit Skits at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/5225/index.html"
1686242303-254,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Roy Wood Jr.: No One Loves You (2019) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/roy-wood-jr-no-one-loves-you-transcript/,"male announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Wood Jr. [cheers and applause] If you want more people to stand for the anthem, change the song. That’s half the problem right there. It’s just the lyrics to the anthem. We can stand to any song. Patriotism is a feeling. Let’s not forget that. Patriotism ain’t no one song. As long as we stand and agree that people died for us to kick it, we can do that to any song. You can do that to Bruno Mars. What’s more American than Bruno Mars? They say America is a melting pot. Well, damn it, I want to stand to Bruno Mars. He literally looks like every race at the same time. What’s better than that? What’s more American than us standing with a Hawaiian-Mexican-white- lesbian-Jewish man… To honor the troops? Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please rise as we sing our national anthem, “24 Karat Magic.” Remove your hats and put your pinkie rings to the moon at this time. You mad about the damn anthem. Man, please. Let’s be real about the anthem. First and foremost, the beat is wack. It don’t go hard. You love America, but you ain’t downloaded the national anthem to your phone. If you was at the club and the DJ started playing the national anthem, you’d be like, “What the fuck is wrong with this DJ?” You ain’t at the DJ booth, “Hey, man, play some of that patriotism shit. That’s what I like. That’s the jam.” I understand it’s supposed to honor the country, but here’s the thing people forget about the national anthem. It ain’t even an original song. It ain’t original. It’s based off a British song. It’s the exact same as the British song, and that’s what you want people to stand up for? First of all, imagine that. Imagine whupping another country ass, getting your freedom, and then to celebrate your freedom, you write a freedom song based on the song of the country ass you just whupped. That don’t even make no sense, and now you running around telling stolen people in a stolen land that they should stand for a stolen song? Come on, bro. That ain’t how the game go. [cheers and applause] Plus, just be real about it, white people. Y’all came at black folks the wrong way. You had bad marketing. If you wanted black people to stand for the anthem, all you had to do was tell us that it was a remix. That’s all you had to do, tell us it was a remix. Ladies and gentlemen, we ask that you please stand to the remix of “National Anthem,” featuring Puff Daddy and the Family and Francis Scott Key. Either that or made a dance to it. Hand over your heart. Hand over your heart. Everybody salute the flag. Like, that–black people would stand up in a minute. Man, I love doing the Freedom Slide. Don’t you like the Freedom Slide? Hell, yeah. Hand over the heart. Then you salute. Then you– That’s how you do that Freedom Slide, boy. The anthem ain’t even the most disrespectful thing happening at a football game. The most disrespectful thing is when they bring a troop out, let us clap for him, and paint the illusion that they actually care about the veterans. That’s the real BS. Every game they do that, right. They bring a troop out, let us clap for him, but they don’t want to talk about the issues affecting the troop. They bring him out. Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to turn your attention to the field as we welcome home Lieutenant Colonel Commander Fifth General Submarine Driver–he’s braver than your bitch ass. Clap for this hero. And we clap, as we should, but do you ever notice– whenever they bring a veteran out at a football game, you ever notice we give them a round of applause. They give them good seats. The one thing they never give them is the microphone. [cheers and applause] You can’t do that. Just once, I’d love to see a vet just snatch the mic from the PA announcer. Ladies and gentlemen, this brave hero– can we talk about the VA and the homeless? Get the fuck– get your ass over. Now please rise and put your pinkie rings to the moon, as we sing Bruno Mars. Stand for the anthem. You need to stand for that goddamn anthem. That’s what they tell you, right. You need to stand. Do you know how many people trying to get in this country right now? Here’s the thing. What you’re not gonna do is tell me how to voice my disapproval with something. You can’t tell nobody how to complain. That don’t make no sense. [cheers and applause] This is how you got to think about it. This is the only way I can try to explain and make it make sense. This is how you got to think about it. America is basically a restaurant. America is a restaurant that sells equality. That’s all it is. They serve equality, and some of y’all had some delicious equality. It was good. You had great service. And some of us need to speak to a manager. [cheers and applause] You telling black people to stand for the anthem, that’s the same as walking around Applebee’s, telling people not to complain about they food. How you get to dictate how somebody else complain about they situation? You may as well just walk around Applebee’s, “You need to fucking be happy “that you even in this Applebee’s. “You know how many people outside trying to sneak “in this Applebee’s? We had to build a wall around this Applebee’s.” And I’d be like, “Yo, man, you need to calm your ass down. “Get your facts straight. First off, “I was at Red Lobster, minding my business. Y’all brought us to Applebee’s.” [cheers and applause] Chicago, how you doing? [cheers and applause] That’s what’s up. Good to see y’all, man. Good to see y’all. Good to kick it in the Chi. I had to come. Had to come kick it with y’all, man. I was in them trenches with my brother U.S. Floyd, walking around. This bother intervenes with gangs in the fucking city, man. My brother’s right here in the building, man, U.S. Floyd. Now, he’s dressed like a pimp, so let’s excuse that. But in the streets on the South Side, the brother gets respect. He gets respect. And what he does is meaningful work, man. That changed my whole perspective of the world. I saw what he does every day, walking up to gangbangers who mad at other gangbangers. You know how much you got to care about the world to go calm down a stranger? Hey, man, I know something just happened. I know you’re ready to murder, but don’t murder. Hey, man, don’t murder. All right? Good job. I’m gonna turn my back on you now. [cheers and applause] That’s real. I don’t know what we gonna do between us and the police. This shit is getting hard. Every day, police might get called on you while you’re trying to get coffee. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to barbecue. Police might get called on you while you’re trying to mow the yard, take a nap, sell some water. At this point, if you black, the safest thing you can do every day is just call the police on yourself. I mean, the white people gonna call anyway, so you may as well take the power back. Control the narrative. That’s what I’m gonna do every day, call the police and compliment. Say something nice about yourself. Change the perception. 911, what’s your emergency? Ain’t no emergency. It’s just a smooth motherfucker headed to Walgreens. Just checking in. Red jacket, white pants. Don’t shoot me! All units, be advised, male black, Walgreens. Respond code [imitates radio clicking] I don’t know. I don’t know what the–I don’t know what you do. Move too slow, you might get shot. Move too fast, you might get shot. Don’t move, you wasn’t obeying commands, you might get shot. Yo, at this point, like, I ain’t gonna tell y’all how to dress every day so you can feel safe, but I’m gonna start wearing a cap and gown everywhere I go until things cool off for a little while. You ain’t never felt threatened by somebody in a cap and gown, not never. Cap and gown is like a wedding dress. You see somebody wearing it, it make you happy. It change your mood. So that’s what I’ma do. Until we get some real police reform, I’m wearing a cap and gown every day with a fucking middle school diploma in my back pocket, a middle school diploma and an engagement ring. It’s gonna be the saddest story, ’cause you ain’t gonna sweep me under the rug, ’cause this is what’s crazy. We live in a time now where if you get shot on the wrong day, you might not even make it in the news. They’ll sweep your story all the way to the back page. Damn that. I’m gonna be on the front page. If the police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader, I promise you, it’s gonna be a conversation about me. Y’all better riot for my ass. And in other news today, police shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. He’s survived by his three ex-wives and six children. Send a prayer for Mr. Charles. Pay cops more money. Money is part of the solution. It ain’t the only solution, but it’s part of it. Here’s the thing. We love to act like all these good cops just gonna all step up and do the right thing together. Please. Most people don’t do the right thing for the right reason. They do the right thing for the right price. It’s about the money. And don’t get me wrong. There’s plenty of good cops out there, man, but not enough to effect change. You got to do something to incentivize. You got to break bread, and don’t tell me you ain’t got the money to pay cops more. Every time somebody get hit over the head, you got to pay a settlement, so take the money you would’ve paid for a settlement and just put that in the cops’ pockets, and they might care a little more. At minimum, just set up a snitch fund. Can we do that? Okay, don’t pay every cop more, just the cops who snitch on the other cops. That’s who you pay. $100,000. $100,000 per snitch. You got police departments paying $200 million, $300 million a year. You put $100,000 per snitch– I promise you, if you started giving cops $100,000 to snitch on other cops, they would be arresting each other at roll call, immediately. You wouldn’t even make it out the police station in the morning. Put your hands up, Sanchez. I saw what you did, Sanchez. I got to get $100,000. Shit, I need $200,000. Arrest me too, Sanchez. We got to go down. Put $100,000 on it.     It’ll change everything, I promise you. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna break through that thin blue line just off of morals. Real cops don’t snitch on other cops. Real cops stand tall. You ever notice all that brotherhood, fraternity shit? It’s for jobs where you’re underpaid and nobody appreciates you, so it’s cop and schoolteacher and military. It’s firefighters– it’s all these jobs where you do dope shit, but no one respects you, so they’ve tricked you into thinking that fraternity is a substitute for currency, and it ain’t. Pay them. Give them some money. [cheers and applause] ‘Cause here’s what happens. You start giving cops more money to snitch on each other, it’s a good-paying job. Anybody with a good-paying job knows. You snitch immediately. Ain’t no brotherhood in a job that pay you a real wage. People snitch left and right. You ever notice doctors don’t stick together? Doctors snitch on each other in a heartbeat. Every year in this country, somebody get the wrong leg chopped off, or the doctor leave a butter knife inside you, it ain’t a bunch of doctors in the emergency room talking about, “Real doctors don’t snitch on other doctors.” No. That n i g g a chopped off the leg. Come get his ass. And she gave him too much anesthesia. You get over there with the doctor with your stupid ass. Shit, if you was giving police $100,000 per snitch, I’d become a cop. For real, I’d be the first millionaire rookie police officer. First day, snitching, everybody. I don’t give a damn. Not only would I snitch, I’d brag about it. I’d be a proud snitch. I’d be in the club, VIP, bottles, just… “Yeah, girl. What’s up?” I’d be out there snitching. What’s good, boo? You good? I don’t give a damn. It’d be a family tradition. Find out my son going to college, I kick in his door. What’s this shit I hear about you trying to get an education? You ain’t going to college, boy. I’m a snitch, your mama’s a snitch, and you gonna be a goddamn snitch. That’s right. You got to make snitching a tradition. You got to make it something flashy. You’ve got to show people that doing the right thing isn’t something to be embarrassed about. We got to make snitching great again. [cheers and applause] That might not be the best slogan. I’ll work on– we’ll workshop that.    But in the meantime, we protest. We do what we can to effect some change. We go out, stand tall. Which I got to say, thank you, white people. Thank y’all for showing up a little more to the protests. [scattered applause] It’s been nice these last couple years, seeing more white folks out there. You know, ’cause as a black person, it’s nice to see somebody else cover your shift. It’s a good feeling. You know what I’m saying? You be getting ready to go to the march. You see all these white people on TV. I’m like, “Shit, they got this one. “Stay at the crib. I don’t have to go walk with all them white people like that.” Some of y’all over-protest. Y’all need to scale it back. You’re doing too much at the marches, and I know why you’re over-protesting. It’s ’cause you’re determined to show the world that you aren’t the other people. I understand that, and that’s fine, but some of the stuff y’all doing is out of line, and it’s coming back on black people. It’s people showing up to protest throwing piss balloons. Yeah, throwing piss balloons at Nazis. Which is hilarious. It’s funny. Don’t get me wrong. It’s funny to throw some piss, but it ain’t a solution-oriented activity, and most people at the march are out there for solutions. Once you add piss to the conversation, the conversation stops. And don’t get me wrong. I respect you. I respect your effort, just scale it back. You got to respect anybody showing up to a protest with a bag of piss. That’s dedication. That’s at least three days’ planning. ‘Cause you throwing piss, that’s not a spur-of-the-moment projectile. You’ve got to drink water for a couple days. You’ve got to buy party supplies. You need a funnel. You’re eating asparagus. You’re trying to get everything perfect. You know, that asparagus set it off. This is the rule of thumb. This is the rule of thumb for protest behavior. If Dr. King and them didn’t do it in the ’60s, you ain’t got to do it now. Okay, you ain’t got to do all that extra. And if there’s anybody that would’ve been justified in throwing piss, it’s them civil rights soldiers from back in the day ’cause they was the ones getting done way dirtier than most protests now. They was getting bit by dogs, chased home, house burned, fire hose. I’m shocked Dr. King didn’t turn to Ralph Abernathy. Give me one of them piss balloons, Abernathy. We got to throw them at the oppressors. Give me another piss balloon. [grunts] You can over-protest. They had a ten-day march not too long ago. A ten-day march. It’s too long. A week and a half of just walking. Just walking for a week and a half and they called me thinking I’ma roll with the– hey, man, we’re gonna go down to D.C. We’re marching for ten days from Virginia. Can we count on you? I said, “No, you cannot. You cannot count on me.” I’m not marching nowhere for no ten days. I’ll click the link. I’ll donate some money. You can go march on my behalf. I’m not walking nowhere for no ten damn days, and what make you think any black person got ten vacation days to burn just walking? [cheers and applause] We ain’t got no ten days, not even for freedom. We ain’t got ten days. Look at the civil rights movement. Most of the key moments you can name in the civil rights movement, most of them was three days or less. Get in, get out, keep your job on Monday. Selma to Montgomery, that was two days. Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, the iconic “I Have a Dream” speech was one day. It wasn’t no weeklong extravaganza. I know you see the picture. You see all these black people marching. It was one day. He didn’t even do two shows. He did a matinee and was out. Get in, get out. I have a dream. The mountaintops, one day we gonna get to the–all right, I got to roll. Let’s get it, Abernathy. Secure the bag, Abernathy. Give me one more of them piss balloons. Oh, man. These protests though. You want to do something really meaningful? Go to a protest that has nothing to do with you personally. That’s what we’re seeing more of. I did that for the first time. I did that for the first time. I went to a Muslim ban protest, man, banning the Muslims. This is what they don’t tell you when you go to a protest that ain’t got shit to so with you. You can just leave whenever you want. I never knew that was an option because I only go to black pro–I’m from Birmingham. All we do is go to black protests, and when you’re at a black protest, you there. There’s no leaving. You think black church long, go to a black protest. Better pack a snack and a diaper. Ain’t no sneaking off. I just left the Muslim ban. They waved. See you later. Thank you. I tried to tiptoe away from a black protest. I got two steps away from the group. They said, “Where you going, brother? The struggle is this way.” My bad, fam. That’s on me. I thought we was gonna make that left. We’re making a–okay, the struggle’s–okay, let’s go this way. Okay. You got to respect anybody that’s at somebody else’s protest. You see a lot of that with black folks, man. Black women, man. Black women just be supporting folks, bro. It’s amazing. [cheers and applause] I tell you right now, you see a black woman at your march, get them a hug and $20 and cover they Uber ride home. Uber Black. ‘Cause black people would be perfectly justified in not showing up to anybody else’s march. We ain’t got to show up to your shit. If you’d have listened to us, you wouldn’t even be marching ’cause it happened to us first. Half the stuff you marching about happened to black people first. We was trying to tell you. You see a black person at a march that doesn’t have anything to do with them, that is a gracious, giving soul because black people would be perfectly justified in only tending to issues affecting the black community. We could fill our calendar just walking for black issues, from crime to poverty to unemployment to home loans. Like, we ain’t got the time, man, to be helping everybody, so when people make the time, that’s a blessing. Why you think black superheroes only save black people? They’re busy. They ain’t got the time to save the rest of the world. That’s a luxury that only white superheroes have. My neighborhood’s great. What else is going on out here in the world? Black superheroes got to focus on they block. I watched Luke Cage.” Luke Cage is my show. [cheers and applause] Love Luke Cage. Luke Cage. If you don’t know nothing about comic books and superheroes Luke Cage is this TV show about an indestructible black man. The brother is bulletproof, super strength. He’ll throw a truck at you like a football. You would think with his résumé, he would be somewhere with Iron Man trying to save the universe. This motherfucker never leaves Harlem. He ain’t got the time. Whole TV show, eight blocks. That’s all it is. Luke Cage ain’t got time to be saving everybody. He ain’t even got time to go to Hell’s Kitchen to help Daredevil. That’s how busy Luke Cage is. Can’t even take the 1 line. Luke Cage don’t care about the rest of the world. Luke Cage is like, “Look, until Thanos come by the Apollo Theater, “that ain’t none of my business. Sweet Christmas.” It’s not that black people don’t care about what you’re going through. I promise you, we care. It’s just some of us don’t have the time. Shit, black people folks ain’t even got the strength to help other black people. Black Panther didn’t even have time to help the rest of Africa. That’s how busy he was. All them powers, all them weapons, you’re telling me Black Panther couldn’t swing by South Africa and free Mandela real quick? He didn’t have the time. He was only worried about Wakanda. That’s what half the movie was about. Half the movie Black Panther was about him using his powers to help the rest of the world. He had to get his ass whupped by his cousin before he would even consider it. The whole movie, Black Panther, “Brother, we cannot concern ourselves “with the rest of the world. “Wakanda is what– [shouts] “I have reconsidered my position. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I will go drink more of my magical grape soda.” It’s not that we don’t care. We don’t have the time. Why you think you don’t see Samuel L. Jackson in half these Avengers movies? Motherfucker busy. You ever notice that? Half of these Avenger movies, Samuel L. Jackson will be in the movie half the time. Sam Jackson appears at the very end of the movie. All this shit done went on the whole movie, and then here comes Samuel L. Jackson at the very end. Good job, motherfuckers. You did it. Here’s your next mission. It’s a god from another universe that can destroy the world with the snap of a finger. Good luck with that. I got to go to a protest. Police just shot a 40-year-old eighth grader. [cheers and applause] We got boycotts now, boycotts left and right. Boycott, boycott, boycott. You mess around and don’t get on the Internet one day, you missed the new boycott, and then people attack you. They attack you for something you just honestly didn’t know nothing about ’cause you hadn’t been on the Internet today. That’s how I found out about the chicken sandwich and the gay marriage. That’s how I found out about that, on the sidewalk. You know, I’m on the sidewalk. I’m chilling. Didn’t know that there was an issue with the gay marriage and I’m just sitting there, eating my Christian chicken sandwich. Delicious. I’m eating my Christian chicken sandwich, and two gay men walk by, and they just look at me, look at the sandwich, and one of them goes, “No,” and just walked. And that pissed me off ’cause I thought he was fat shaming me. I’m like, “Hold on, bro. You ain’t gonna fat shame.” So I chased him. I chased this gay man, and I got in his face with my chicken sandwich. I said– [chomping] I didn’t understand what that gesture meant at the time. I just didn’t know. You know, you do better. That’s how it go.     At this point with boycotting, man, shit, man, we need… we need an app. That’s the only way to keep up with all these boycotts. These boycotts be coming down so damn fast. You can’t keep up with all these damn boycotts, man. You just need an app, just your phone. You punch in your political beliefs, and then anytime you get too close to one of them stores, your phone just goes, “Mm-mm. Mm-mm.” I’d pay $2 for that. Food boycotts are the toughest for me. I don’t know which boycotts y’all go through, but everybody in this room done had one, at least one thing when they called the boycott, you was like– [groans] The rest of them boycotts I can do, no problem. You tell me not to buy a shirt from a store, cool. You say don’t watch the NFL, cool. I’m a Dolphins fan. I ain’t missing nothing, so that’s easy for me. But when you say food, that’s a whole nother world, ’cause only one company that I think makes food good enough to maybe, maybe navigate outrage. It’s one company I think might be close to being boycott-proof. It’s McDonald’s. McDonald’s is delicious. I’m sorry. I know some of y’all got money now. You eat hummus, so you got bread. Whatever. But don’t act like McDonald’s wasn’t the sustenance of your childhood, you ungrateful asshole. [cheers and applause] Like Ronald McDonald ain’t have your back. McDonald’s is delicious. This is how good–this is how delicious McDonald’s is. This is how delicious McDonald’s is. McDonald’s just recently started giving us all white meat chicken nuggets. At no point did we stop to ask what the nuggets was made of before that. We just kept eating them. It’s all white meat now? Oh, shit yeah. That’s good right there. Yeah. McDonald’s is delicious. They got that damn McRib. Some of y’all act like you’re too good for the McRib. That McRib, man. Do you know how arrogant you got to be as a company to just offer a sandwich and then just take it away when you feel like it? You be in McDonald’s, scratching. You ain’t got no more McRibs, man? When they coming back, baby? When does it return? McDonald’s might be boycott-proof. I don’t know, man. ‘Cause here’s what McDonald’s does. McDonald’s does some smart shit that no other company does. Like, McDonald’s has figured out a way to always address issues in the black community. They always in the hood. McDonald’s got a Twitter account separate from regular McDonald’s where all they do is talk to black people. This is what McDonald’s does. This is why McDonald’s is slick as hell. McDonald’s got a commercial where all they do is just recap everything they did for black people that year. No other company does that. No other company that I can think of has the negro recap commercial every year. It comes on during black TV shows, so, white people, I’m sure ain’t none of y’all seen it, but this is a real commercial, and I’m not talking about the black McDonald’s commercial. I’m not talking about some motherfucker with a nugget talking about, “Yeah, put that love in the nugget. I eat a nugget.” Not that. This is a totally separate commercial. There’s no music. They’re not trying to sell you anything. It’s no crazy camera angles and moves. It’s just a kid flipping burgers, a little high school kid working the grill, and then you just hear a voice come on the commercial. Did you know McDonald’s and the United Negro College Fund… [cheers and applause] Gave $40 million to send these kids to college? If it wasn’t for McDonald’s, people like Terrence here might still be robbing your ass. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s. It’s brilliant. It’s brilliant marketing. So the next time a black person get knocked out at a McDonald’s, they just gonna be like, “Hey, look, we sent Terrence to college.” McDonald’s does so much with the black community, man, the boycott wouldn’t be instant. There would be a conversation. They do the McDonald’s All-American Game every year. If you’re not up on sports, the McDonald’s All-American Game, every year, McDonald’s takes 24 of the best high school basketball players, puts them in the same gym in front of pro scouts, college scouts, foreign scouts, giving them an opportunity to take their talents to feed their family and change the trajectory of their whole fucking namesakes. Taco Bell ain’t never done no shit like that for us. [cheers and applause] At this point, McDonald’s could just show a commercial of black people doing anything and just put a voice-over to it, and they’d take credit for it, and black people would be like, “That’s all right, McDonald’s.” It could be anything. It could be a brother just– it could be two dudes just shooting dice in an alley, just– Did you know McDonald’s gave this boy Terrence half a kilo to get back on his feet? He took that kilo and flipped it a couple of times, and now he’s got the best dope in the city. Ain’t that right, Terrence? McDonald’s. Arby’s ain’t never done that. I like Arby’s. McDonald’s is delicious, but I like Arby’s too, man. I do. I like Arby’s. I like the commercial ’cause the commercial is just so straightforward. It ain’t no jingle. We have the meats. That’s it. No nothing else. It’s just Ving Rhames. Meat. That’s what we have. We have the meats. Could you imagine if that’s how Arby’s employees talked? This is my first time here. What do y’all specialize in? Meat! We have the meats! Ving Rhames in them Arby’s commercials sound like a fed up black father. That’s why you couldn’t even have–even if Arby’s did do shit like that for black people, they couldn’t have Ving Rhames doing the audio for the commercial. Did you know Arby’s helped this little bastard get into a college, and now he talking about he don’t want to go to college no more. Look at the camera with your ungrateful ass. We have the meats. McDonald’s is delicious. McDonald’s so good, McDonald’s be the first restaurant black people would have to boycott one sandwich at a time. We wouldn’t quit McDonald’s cold turkey. You know how every other boycott, you just cancel the whole store. Old black lady get knocked out. One of them black leaders come on TV. It’s been brought to our attention that McDonald’s likes to punch old black people in the face. Well, until we get justice, we, the black people, will no longer be eating… the McChicken, just the McChicken, until we get answers. McDonald’s is delicious. We don’t do enough caring for each other, man. I think that’s part of who we are. ‘Cause to me, like, we don’t even want to learn what other people are going through. Like, that’s the biggest rift is that, as a country, to accept somebody else’s truth, you got to be open to learning their perspective on their walk through this country, and people are like, “I don’t want to fucking learn.” We ain’t got time. And we don’t like learning. That’s what it really boils down to in America. We don’t like learning. To learn new stuff, that means you got to sit and read. Especially if you ain’t in school no more, you’ve got to force yourself to learn what somebody else is going through, and we don’t like learning. We hate learning new stuff. We don’t even like updating our cell phone. That’s how much we hate learning new stuff. You got a damn $1,000 phone in your pocket right now. Every week, your phone send you a message and be like, “Hey, man, if you hit this button, I’ll be a better phone.” And what we do? Fuck that. Maybe later. Ain’t got time to be learning no new phone. Just be the phone you was when I bought your ass. We hate learning. We don’t like learning new stuff. Look at graduations. That’s all a graduation is. A graduation is just the celebration of the end of learning. That’s why we dance at the graduation. I ain’t got to read shit else. You snatch the diploma. Give me the diploma. Hell yeah. Then you put the diploma on a wall in a frame, so everybody can see. That’s all a diploma is. A diploma is just a sheet of paper showing the exact day you stopped giving a fuck about everything. [cheers and applause] And that’s when people go back to their diploma. Well, that ain’t how it was back in my day. See, I got a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned everything. We don’t like learning. The only thing we hate worse than getting new information is having to relearn old information. Somebody told you something was one way. You bought into it your whole life, and then on a dime, the U-turn tell you what you knew was false, and we get– [scoffs] Remember when they told us Pluto wasn’t a planet no more? People lost they damn mind. Hey, remember that planet that we thought was a planet? Yeah? It ain’t a planet no more. Fuck you, motherfucker! It is a planet! You can go to hell. It is a planet. Pluto is a planet. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned it was a planet. I’m like, “No, it’s not a planet. It’s okay.” We reject new information. That’s why we are at this crossroads with LGBTQIA issues and trans issues, ’cause, like, people don’t want to accept somebody else’s truth. Just kick back and just listen to what other people are going through. Learn something. Because… [cheers and applause] Like, it’s hilarious to me that people don’t even care about just basic, simple– like, something as simple as just calling somebody a different name. You can’t do that? You can’t do that? You just can’t call someone a different name? Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? You can’t even do that? Is that– is that asking too much? Hey, man, this person used to be called Jack. They want to be called Jill. Can you call them Jill? Fuck, I can’t call them Jill. Can’t be calling nobody no different name ’cause they feel like a lady. I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says I learned all the genders. One, two. That’s it. Somebody named Jack want to be called Jill. You can’t do that? Meanwhile, half your favorite entertainers been performing under a fake name, and you ain’t had no problems with that. I ain’t finna call you Jill. Meanwhile, you think Ice Cube is his real name? Really? Or maybe he just gave you a name he wanted to be called. Maybe, just maybe. [cheers and applause] Hulk Hogan’s real name is Terry. Let that sink in while you refuse to call a trans person what they want to be called. Sweaty-ass Hulkamania, Hulk fucking Hollywood Hogan is a n i g g a from Tampa named Terry. But you can’t call Jack Jill but Hulk Hogan– Come on, man. We just don’t do enough caring about people, man. The only time you see Americans really come together is during storm coverage. That’s it. As far as I can tell, that’s the only time you see people really putting issues aside and helping each other is when the floodwater up to here. Ain’t no politics when the floodwater up to here. It’s just people helping people. It’s black people on the roof, white people in the boat pulling up. Get in, buddy. Come on. [imitates engine puttering] Which, sidebar, black people, we got to start buying boats. It’s time. [cheers and applause] It’s time. Okay? If you got people live close to the water, get them a basic-ass, get-off-the-roof boat. It ain’t got to be nothing expensive. Just– This don’t cost a lot.     But that’s how we are, man. We don’t care about people until they messed up in a group. That’s when we go, “Okay, we got to do something. It’s a bunch of them. Now I care.” We help all these people during storm relief, and it’s a beautiful thing. Every time Americans get messed up in a storm, we step up, send money, send clothes, do whatever we can, but it’s only 2 million homeless people coast to coast. We got a bunch of homeless people coast to coast in this country, but we don’t do nothing for them ’cause they ain’t homeless in a group. Yeah, we don’t care ’cause they sprinkled all over the country, which is why, if you’re homeless–if I was homeless, I would just start watching the Weather Channel… And just wait to see where the storm’s swirling and just head straight there and just lay underneath some rubble and wait for them to dig me up, and I spring up. Hey, I lost everything too. Where’s my assistance? I’m a veteran. I thought you cared about me. We pretend to care but only as far as it will benefit us most of the time. We don’t want to accept other people’s truths as reality, because to learn requires you to face some truth. Truth is overwhelming, so it’s easier to just deny it and go, “That ain’t happening.” It’s quicker. It’s easier. Hey, men are touching us, and we want you to stop touching us. Fuck that. That ain’t happening. No, it is. It’s happening. Men are touching us. We want you to stop touching us. Well, when? Motherfucker, I have a sheet of paper here on the wall that says it was okay to touch people from back when we were touching people. No, we’ve reevaluated, and much like Pluto, we’ve decided that’s a planet we don’t want to live on anymore. [cheers and applause] And they’re like, “No.” Fellas, if you ain’t learned shit else from this Me Too movement, I hope you’ve learned how not to apologize. You should be ironclad with your girl by now, ’cause these apologies, oh, my God, them things is rough. Did you touch that woman? [stammering] I do not recollect my recollection of the events of the evening and are unfortunate. I do not recollect. Anytime somebody use the word “recollect,” some shit went down. That ain’t no regular-ass word. Anybody who say “recollect,” that ain’t no regular conversational word. Ain’t never in your life when you arguing with your girl have you said the word. Are you cheating on me, yes or no? It’s unfortunate that your recollection does not match my recollection. ‘Cause what I’m noticing from these apologies, you see how much power these men have. Like, this is how you know they had a lot of power. It’s men apologizing for harassing women, but within the apology, telling you when they last day of work gonna be. You know how much power you got to have to get caught grabbing somebody on the ass– you grabbed somebody on the ass. Did you grab her? Yeah, I grabbed her. Then you’re gonna leave? Yeah, but I got to stay onboard with the transition team. Like, no. Go home. You don’t have to hang around. We’ll figure it out. Like, that would never happen at a regular job. If you worked a regular-ass job, they not gonna let you stay onboard. If you got caught grabbing asses at fucking Burger King, they ain’t gonna let you keep making Whoppers. Did you touch that woman? Well, it’s unfortunate her recollection does not match my recollection, but I plan to stay onboard with the Whopper team to ensure quality sandwiches for the constituents. That’s not how it goes, man. That’s not how it goes. But, you know, these men are caught up. It’s not a lot you can do. If you get caught up in Me Too allegations, boy, you can either apologize. You can be quiet. Some dudes did it way wrong. Kevin Spacey tried to play the gay card, which that did not go over well at all. Did you touch those boys? Listen, I don’t–I’m gay. [imitates explosion] Like, he thought it was, like, gonna make him disappear. I’m gay. Like, no, we still see you. We still see what’s going on. You got to do something to try and get the sympathy, man. You see what Bill Cosby did. He went blind. That was a slick move. Almost worked. Bill Cosby played that cripple card. Did you know–did you touch those women? What women? Who? You’d think by now, half of these men caught up in Me Too allegations would’ve had enough sense to drop a R&B album to take people off the scent. [scattered groans and applause] I mean, if you gonna be a piece of shit, do it the right way: Drop some hits. ‘Cause if you do music the right way, it gives you a little longer time to be a bad person. You know, ain’t nobody care about Kevin Spacey. Ain’t nobody getting pussy to House of Cards. You don’t care about that. But when you start accusing musicians of that stuff, people get defensive because they’re guarding their own memories, because that music is attached to something special in their life, or it brings them back to a special person in their life, so for them to reject that musician who may or may not be treating women badly, they ain’t ready to do because they’ll put themselves– they’ll put their happiness over your humanity, and that’s just what it is. Some people just don’t care. They’d rather fucking step than take a stand, you know. You got to do something though. Ain’t but one person successfully escaped Me Too allegations, and that’s Hugh Hefner. He died, which I got to say, well played. Did not see that coming. That was a slick-ass move out of Hef. Hugh Hefner got the fuck up out of here, didn’t he? Hugh Hefner died the week before the Weinstein allegations went public. You think that was a coincidence? The playmates–playmates in the Playboy Mansion were getting ready to roll on Hugh Hefner, and he saw the opportunity and talked it over with his team and was like, “I’m out this bitch.” Mr. Hefner, there’s gonna be allegations coming out, and the women say [gibberish]. How do you want to handle it? That’s a good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping] No, ’cause here’s the thing that Hugh Hefner knew that the other Me Too men hadn’t figured out yet. If you die, all this shit goes away. It does. That’s how it is in America. If you die before the truth comes out about you–like, if you die before somebody says something bad about you, it don’t count. All you have to do is die. You know what’s crazy, you die–not only that. You die, people defend you. You have way more defenders in death than you ever do when you living. People defend you. Anybody in this room, we could die tonight. They find ten bodies at the house. They be like, “Well, let’s not talk about the bodies. “Let’s remember the good times that Terry gave us. Did you know he worked at McDonald’s before he became”– You got to die on time. It’s the secret to life, people. People tell you all this different stuff, the secret to life. I’ll tell you the secret to life. The secret to life is knowing when to end life. You got to die on time. If you think you’re gonna get accused of doing some bad shit, you got to die on time. It’s the only way to preserve your reputation and your money. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Barely made it. Bang-bang play at the plate. Safe. He got in. Joe Paterno almost didn’t die on time. Did you know them kids was getting molested while you was coaching football? You know what, that’s a very good question. I’ll be right back. [choking and gasping] You got to die on time. Say what you want about death, but as a crisis management tool… They went in there and talked to Hef. He was like, “Mr. Hefner, a lot of the playmates “are coming forward with allegations about you. We’ve drafted a statement.” I don’t need no statement. Go upstairs and get my casket. Mr. Hefner, you don’t have to. We can fight this. Just say “recollect” 12 times. I ain’t saying no “recollect.” Go upstairs and get my casket. Put some snacks in it. I’m out this bitch. Wakanda forever. And he just sank down into the ground. [cheers and applause] You have to die on time. The secret to life is knowing when to die. I don’t give a fuck. Quote me on that. Put it in a meme. When I’m dead, put my picture beside that quote. Yeah, it’s just that, to me, I look at the world, and I feel like there’s just not enough caring about one another, and if people cared more about the next man, then we would all be better. I was watching some storm coverage in Houston when the hurricanes hit, and there was these fire ants, and when a fire ant nest gets flooded, all the fire ants cling together and form an ant raft, and they just fucking float. Something that should kill them, they survive because they know they have to rely on each other, and ants periodically take turns rotating from the bottom up to the top and working and saving the larvae and the queen, and I saw these ants floating down a Houston street, and that’s when I knew there’s no hope for humans. We are a long way from being the fire ants. But we got to try. We got to try. The media doesn’t help though. The media doesn’t help. Stuff happens in this country, and the first thing we do, we talk about it for a second, and then we argue about it, and then we move on to the next thing that happened. At no point do we stop to analyze the things and the circumstances that led up to that event, so that maybe you could have a real conversation about prevention. You know, we don’t talk about that. We don’t dig deep for that, and that’s where we are. Nobody cares enough to drive that conversation, especially not in the media. The media don’t give a damn. The media is all about ratings. Money over morals, man. Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait. Oh, that’s good. They clicked it. Ooh. They give you an article. Some shit happened, and then they argue about the shit. That’s the news. This just in, some shit happened. What do you think about it? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. Well, fuck, I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. What do you think about the new shit that we just cut you off from the old shit? I think it’s good. I think it’s bad. I hate to cut in. Some new shit just happened. That’s where we are with the news. At no point is it a conversation about solutions. I’ll give you a perfect example of this. I don’t know how many of y’all are familiar with the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter was– it was this guy a while back who was in a relationship with a woman. They broke up after three years, and because he couldn’t deal with the breakup, he decided to just ride around on Facebook Live, and he told her on Facebook Live. He told this woman on Facebook Live. He said, “Until you take my phone calls, I’m gonna ride around and just shoot at random people.” Yeah, and he kept his word, and this was extra bad ’cause this was a black dude, which is, like, extra stressful for us. You know, anytime a black person go crazy, it’s stressful ’cause you got to be nice at work for the next week and a half. You know, you got to, like, work harder to improve black stereotypes. Anytime a brother go crazy, you got to come to work in a suit for the next three months. How y’all doing? This is my “not all of us are shooters” jacket. Got this at Nordstrom’s Rack. But the Facebook shooter. The Facebook shooter, he rides around shooting at people because a woman won’t take his phone calls, no reason more than that. Just a woman won’t take my call. And there was a four-day manhunt. The brother’s picture was everywhere, every channel, Food Network, Nick Jr., every, every– That’s when you know they gonna find you, when your picture is on Nick Jr. When your shit coming on between episodes of “Paw Patrol,” oh, please believe they gonna track you down. They catch the Facebook shooter three, four days into the manhunt. He pulls into a fast food spot, and the woman in the drive-through recognizes him, and she did something that I know I wouldn’t have done for minimum wage. She stalled him. She stalled him. She looked a certified, cold, lunatic in the face and said, “Sir, it’s gonna be a minute on your fries.” Would you mind waiting?” Now, I don’t know what y’all do when y’all was working for minimum wage, but I did the minimum. [cheers and applause] That’s maximum. I don’t do maximum for minimum. If I’m working at McDonald’s and I see the Facebook shooter through the glass, that’s my last day at the McDonald’s. Hey, I’m gone. I’ll make up a reason. I’ll make them fire me. I’ll be like, “Look, in the coming weeks, “there are some truths about me you’ll discover. “I don’t recollect her accusations of the recollect– I got to go.” So this brave McDonald’s worker, she goes in the back and calls the police. The police roll up. Facebook shooter speeds off. Three, four blocks later, they catch up with him, and they corner him. The Facebook shooter takes his own life, which is a horrible story, very sad. The national conversation in the media after this happened, it wasn’t about mental health; it wasn’t about gun control. It was about whether or not Facebook Live is a useful tool. That’s it. That’s all we gonna talk about? After all this shit that went down, that’s what we gonna talk about, whether or not Facebook Live– A brother who was completely sane two days earlier snapped like that and was the most wanted man in the country. You have to sit and have a conversation about mental health and what we can do to get people the help they need before they hurt other people. [cheers and applause] Because if you’d have paid attention to the Facebook shooter, you would’ve known that there’s a need to have a conversation about mental health. If you’d have paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, you’d have known that there is a need to have a conversation about domestic abuse and why some women can’t just leave a man because he might snap and try to kill everybody, and if you really paid close attention to the Facebook shooter, he would’ve shown you just how delicious McDonald’s is. He was on the run from the feds and still stopped to get fucking nuggets. Good night, Chicago. [cheers and applause]"
1686241422-31,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Eddie Griffin: You Can Tell ‘Em I Said It! (2011) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-can-tell-em-i-said-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, The one and only, The emperor of comedy… Sir Eddie Griffin I want to fuck Michelle Obama. I need her on my team. I’m waiting on Obama to fuck up. That n i g g a slip up, I’ma slide right in. What’s happening, Michelle? You like comedy? That’s some fine chocolate motherfucker. You understand me? I didn’t vote for Obama because of him, I voted because of her. This is the first first lady that is fuckable. ‘Cause you didn’t want to fuck daddy Bush’s wife. She look like she jumped off the dollar bill. Look at that! That’s George Washington! And you didn’t want to fuck George Jr. ‘s wife. She look like the mama on Damien: Omen. Every time I see her face, all I hear is… Look like the bitch head about to spin around at any moment. And I don’t think you wanted to fuck Hillary either. I don’t think Hillary like dick. She wear more pantsuits than a brother at a funeral. Now here’s how I know Obama got some pimp in him. All right? Remember when Hillary was running against him? She talking all that shit about Obama. Obama got the job. He gave her a job. That’s pimpin’. And what was the job he gave her? Secretary of state. And what was the secretary of state’s job? Stay out of the country. He banished that bitch to foreign lands. And the happiest motherfucker about it is Bill Clinton. You know Bill at home, “Thank you, Obama. I can get my dick sucked every day. ” Now I knew Obama… I knew he had some n i g g a in him…. You know, ’cause at first, you couldn’t tell. But one day, it jumped out of him. Y’all remember that day him and George Bush was walking outside the White House …and his swag was on 250? I’m sitting at home. I said, “that brother’s a pimp. ” You could damn near hear the conversation. “Hurry up and get your shit out my house. “Take your punk ass back to Texas. You bitch!” ‘Cause at first, I thought Obama was an African-American. And white people, I know y’all think all black people the same. We just like you white folks. You got different kind of white folks. You got honkies, you got crackers, you got rednecks, you got white guys. Black people the same way. You got black folks. “Just don’t want to be bothered. ” You got old negroes. “I sure wish slavery’d come back. Massa was so good to us. ” And you got African-Americans. “I graduated from college Cum da-lada. ” And then you have n i g g a s. Which I happen to be a member of. BULLSHIT! Translation: N I G G E R! “Pull over… ” N I G G E R! And Obama, here’s how I really knew he had hood in him. He threw a barbecue… at the White House… He invited the NBA, the NFL, every rapper. I think I was the only n i g g a that wasn’t there. You know white people was sitting at home, “My god! It’s all over! The n i g g e r s are barbecuing! They’re licking their fingers! They got collard greens and black-eyed peas. ” Here’s how I really knew he was from the hood. He put a swing set… I don’t think y’all heard me. He put a swing set on the white house lawn. That’s some n i g g a shit! He got enough money and power to send his daughters to Disneyland every day. He said, “Fuck that. Put that swing set outside that window so I can keep my eye on they little ass.” ‘Cause black people, we watch our kids. I’m talking to you, white folks. I’m tired of seeing y’all kids on my milk carton. You know, you just trying to pour some milk on your cereal And there’s always that little white face with he caption underneath it. “Have you seen me?” No, I ain’t seen your little ass! And how come your parents don’t know where the hell you at? You ain’t never seen little brothers and sisters on a milk carton, ’cause if you did, they’d be posing. ‘Cause I remember when we was coming up- And black people, back me up on this. When we was coming up, remember your parents tell you, “You can play to the end of this block. ” Remember? That’s as far as your ass go. Ain’t no going out to the woods. And I remember my mama told me, “If you go any further, I’ma fuck you up. ” I remember one day, me and my partner Don Junior, we kicking it, right? We get up to the corner. Boom, boom. They like, “Ed, come on. Let’s go on the next block. Let’s see what’s over there. ” Boy, I was nervous. That’s when you look down to see if your mama on the front porch. My mama looking me dead in the eye. I couldn’t hear her, but her mouth said… My uncle Bucky had his pistol. He’s like, “I can shoot your ass from here. ” I’m like “Uh, you know, uh”-… They like, “You ain’t going, Ed?” I’m like, “Nah, man. You know, I caught a Charlie horse.” You know, ’cause I ain’t trying to look like no punk, man. “I got a horse, you know?” They like, “Aww, you a bitch-ass n i g g a. ” I said, “I’ll be the bitch today. I’d rather fight both of y’all than take one ass-whooping from her. See ya!” My mama beat me out of the penitentiary. As y’all can see, I’s free And obviously, y’all parents whooped y’all out the penitentiary, ’cause y’all here. We’s free! Them two brothers I’m talking about locked up right now. ‘Cause pain give you a memory of what not to do. You understand me, your partner be like “Come on, Ed, let’s rob this liquor store. ” “I ain’t going. I’m cool right here.” Now they got this brother, Eddie Long. Oh, don’t “ooh” me. I didn’t make the shit up. Y’all seen the story. And, you know, at first, I had to give the brother the benefit of the doubt. You know what I mean? I’m like, “No. Black preachers don’t fuck little boys. ” That’s the difference between a white church and a black church. White churches fuck your son. Black church fuck your wife. God gave that motherfucking preacher the right last name. LONG. And he tried to defend himself. He spoke for about 35 minutes. Not once did he say, “I didn’t do it.” All he said is, “I got five rocks and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” I said, “that’s the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. ” He didn’t say, “I got five bullets. I’m about to bust a cap. ” That guy: “I got five rocks, and I ain’t thrown one yet. ” And did you see how he threw the mic down? I don’t go to church. God don’t live in church. They say the body is the temple. I’m walking to church right now. Soon as you go to church, there’s somebody trying to stick a dick in you, and they need some money. Every war in humanity’s history has been over some kind of motherfucking religion. You know what I mean? I don’t get caught up in that bullshit ’cause I don’t think God ever wrote a Bible or a Qur’an. He didn’t have to write no shit. He ain’t no playwright. It’s written in your essence, ’cause the Bible was written by men. The book of Peter. The book of John. The whole book about Jesus, but that n i g g a ain’t wrote one book. The motherfucker that it’s about didn’t write shit. All the hang-outs wrote a book. “Shit, I know the n i g g a, n i g g a.” And you notice in each one of ’em book, they the closest one to Jesus. Peter like, “Me and Jesus was tight.” In John’s book, “Shit, I was damn near the n i g g a’s daddy. You know.” God didn’t write no book. It’s written in your essence. Nobody ever had to tell you it’s wrong to kill your mama. Somehow you born innately knowing that. Which means you born knowing right and wrong, so put the book down, ’cause it will fuck you up. It starts out messed up in the beginning. In the book of Genesis, “In the beginning, there was Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had two sons, Cain and Abel. And Cain and Abel got married. ” To who?! Where did these mystery bitches come from?! I like messing with Christians, man. ‘Cause they easy to get… I don’t believe Jesus died on the cross. Sacrilege! Wait a minute, he could walk on water, feed 1,000 with a loaf of bread… raised the dead… But you telling me he couldn’t handle three nails? I know brothers with nine bullet wounds still walking around. His name is 50 CENT! I bet you Jesus was a cool kid…. His mama be like, “Now, Jesus, go on in there and take a bath and don’t be walkin’ on your water. ” He in there… That’s probably why they invented the shower, just to get the n i g g a wet. Look at some of the Christian heads in here. “You going to Hell. “Don’t be talking ’bout Jesus, Eddie. Don’t be talking ’bout him. ” You know how Jesus whistle? You know, with the hole in the hand. Look, y’all really like, “N i g g a, that’s it. The lightning’s coming. ” Christians always the first one to want to send somebody to Hell. “You going to Hell. ” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Uh, let that n i g g a know he going to Hell. I’m kind of busy right now. ” You know what I mean? I’m made in my heavenly Father’s image. If I got a sense of humor, that mean God got one. God probably up there cracking up right now. “Hey, Jesus, come here! That crazy n i g g a I made is on! “He talking about you, boy. He said you walk on your bathwater. “He said you whistle like this…. ” “Ah, don’t get mad. That shit was funny. It was funny. “ See, I’d be a Muslim, but the Muslim faith, they too strict. You know what I mean? You can’t smoke no weed. You can’t get your dick sucked by a bitch that ain’t your wife. Matter of fact, you can’t see your wife’s face until you marry her. They keep ’em veiled up. All you get to see is the eyes. You really got to love that bitch’s eyes. You be like, “Damn. She got some pretty eyes. ” Then you marry her ass, the veil come off. No wonder they get 20 wives. You playing the law of averages. I’m telling you, I think Christians are jealous of Muslims, ’cause you ain’t gonna out-devout a Muslim. That’s the most devout faith you’ll ever run into. A Muslim will strap a bomb on they self and blow they self up about some Muhammad. Ask a Christian to put a bomb on and blow they self up about Jesus. “Naw, He wouldn’t want me to do that. ” “He just blessed me with this house. I’m sure He wants me to live in it. ” Everybody fighting over this religion shit. You understand me? The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. The Muslims say it’s Muhammad. I say, “Who gives a fuck who the messenger is? Did you get the message?” They got the same damn message. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Science proves that to be a fact. For every action, there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Don’t fuck with me, and I won’t fuck with you. I’ll tell you somebody who needs Jesus right around now. Tiger Woods. What I like about tiger, he kept it golf. He had 18 hos. One for every hole of golf. Now, here’s where Tiger messed up. Now, fellas, I want y’all to look at the woman sitting next to you that you brought here. Look at her right now! Now, you see how fine she is? Don’t ever fuck nothing uglier than her. You don’t fuck down. You fuck up. You fuck a woman uglier than your woman, she gonna be madder than a motherfucker. “N i g g a, I know I look better than that bitch! N i g g a, what’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me?” That’s when they go crazy. “What the fuck is wrong with me? I look better than that bitch! What’s wrong with me?” You fuck a bitch that’s finer than your woman, she gonna act like she mad, but she can’t get mad. She gonna look at him like, “Shit, I didn’t know that n i g g a could catch that. I’ma have to step my game up. ” Rich black man and white woman don’t go together. Ask O. J., Kobe, Tiger woods. It ain’t no good. ‘Cause white women will set your ass up. See, everybody think a sister is the strongest motherfucking woman on earth. To an extent, that is true, but at least a sister will let you know up front. “N i g g a, I will fuck you up. ” You know what you dealing with. White women… sneaky. “Really?” “Is like that, Tom?” She get on the phone. “Hello? Officer?” “He raped me… ” White women play victim quick than a motherfucker. But that white man gotta learn from you white women. See, when that white man get mad, he get mad. You know, brothers, we get mad, we march “We shall overcome…” You know, we get a good March in, Misspell signs, we gone. That white man get mad, he snap. You know, white women like, “I’m taking the kids. I’m taking the house. We’re gone. We’re out of here, you asshole. ” That white man be like this. “I came from a long line of brookshires. You’re not gonna take my seed from me, Guinevere. ” Now, here’s the one sentence that white man got for they ass. “Over my dead body. ” And that motherfucker mean that shit. “Over my dead body”. I’ll kill you. Then I’ll kill the kids. I’ll burn the fucking house to the ground, then I’ll do myself. ” Brother can’t even try that shit. Sister be like, “N i g g a, I’m leaving you. ” “I’ma kill you”. “You killing who? Let the killing begin, motherfucker! N i g g a be like, “I’m just playing, girl. I’m just playing. You know I’m joking with you, girl. You know I’m joking with you. We don’t even get to the part of burning the house down and the kids. They always try to make it like everybody’s after the white woman. You look at the movies. King Kong after the bitch. You all know damn well this is a n i g g a story… The big old gorilla… He had all them fine African sisters and one white woman and lose his mind. That’s why they call it “Jungle fever”. That motherfucker Kong got that white bitch. N i g g a, he picked her up. Just blowing on the ho. “I got my white bitch! I got my white bitch!” They took his white bitch. That motherfucker swam to New York. They took the bitch up on a building. “Where’s my white bitch? I need my white bitch!” They got some new kind of white women now. You know, I’m in my 40s. You know, I remember when all white women had straight backs. You know what I mean? No ass. Just a long back. You know, you could lay ’em down, get a good crease in your pants. Now they got some ass on ’em. I don’t know what you white women are eating, but keep it up. ‘Cause they’d be walking down the street. ¶ ga-gonk ga-gonk ¶ “You got competition, Laqueisha. ” ‘Cause, you know, every city I go to on tour, there’s always the brother with the white woman. Now, brothers, let me ask y’all something, ’cause I see a couple of y’all here with your white women. Why, when y’all get a white woman, y’all get the ugliest white bitch in town? And be walking proud with ’em. “Yeah, this is mine. ” Holding hands and shit. You know what I mean? Brothers don’t even hold hands with they own sister. You know what I mean? You watch a brother walking down a street. Sister be behind ’em. “I’m with you. ” “Come on. Keep up. ” N i g g a get a white woman, act like he hit the jackpot. “Yes, I got her. ” But when you see a white man with a sister… Oh, they get the baddest sister they got in town. Oh, white boys don’t fuck around. When they get a sister, they get a sistah. And they be walking, holding hands. “Goddamn right I got her. ” “I’m gonna teach her how to Riverdance. ” Nothing against you white people. Y’all just different. You know how them motherfuckers say they don’t like black people, right? And the ones that I’m talking about, I’m talking about you. Not all white people. There’s some cool motherfuckers. You’re here. Obviously, motherfucker, you’re here. But you know the ones I’m talking about, them motherfucking racist sons of bitches. “I don’t like black people. ” Well, why you lay out in the sun and try to become black? You don’t see black people laying out in the moonlight trying to lighten up. Like, “brother, what you doing?” “N i g g a, I’m trying to get that prince tone. Morris day up in this bitch. ” Be happy to be white, white folks. Y’all ain’t even white, Really. Y’all colored. Y’all should all join the NAACP [National Association For Advancement of Colored People] You understand me? ‘Cause y’all colored people. Only white people can Turn red when they mad. Look at ’em. They blush. They’re a little pink. When you hit ’em, They blue and purple. [laughter and applause] Y’all colored people Like a motherfucker. Y’all the whole box Of goddamn crayons. I might be blushing Right now. You can’t tell. No shit. They trying to tell our Mexican Brothers and sisters That they need to stay away From the border. Mm-hmm. I don’t understand that… When California is mexico. [cheers and applause] Listen to the name of it. [in Mexican accent] California. San Diego, San Francisco, San Jose. If it start with “San,” It’s Mexican. [laughter and applause] Always talking about, “my country.” White people, This ain’t y’all country. Y’all annexed it. You stoled it from The Indians. I know you said You discovered it. You know how they use them Slick-ass words. “we discovered it!” How you discover some shit A motherfucker Already live at? [laughter and applause] Using that analogy, When I get offstage, I’ma discover somebody car. Police like, “did you steal it?” “no, I discovered it. I gave the indigenous driver A reservation in the trunk.” My man, LeBron James. You know, the brother went To Miami. You know, which he has all right to do. You know? It’s called “free agency.” The first word is “free.” Them white people In Cleveland got all mad, Burned the n i g g a jersey, Doing little statues of him, Setting on fire. I’m like, “he play basketball!” This ain’t a politician That could change your life. He dribbled. He dunked. Yay. [laughter] You know what I mean? I just want an hour Of my life back. It shouldn’t have Took him an hour, you know? He just sat there. “I’m going to south beach.” N i g g a! If I wasn’t a Christian… And you can tell him I said it. You know what I mean? The reason I heard that he left Is ’cause one of the dudes On the team Was sleeping with his mama. Y’all heard that shit too? I found out when I did the show in Cleveland. The audience told me. I said, “is it true?” They like, “yeah. Yeah. We all knew. We all knew.” I’m like, “and y’all Wondering why he gave y’all The finger and left?” He from here. Y’all his hometown. Y’all love the n i g g a. Somebody should have came up To the brother. “hey, uh…” You know when you delivering That bad, bad news, You got to– “hey, uh… Hey, you know, My man and your mama.” [laughter] “I just thought I’d let you know. I just thought I’d let you know.” And what’s the n i g g a name That did it? Dante west. That’s some fucked-up shit, ’cause that n i g g a, When he play against LeBron, He can get in that n i g g a’s head. He d’ing that n i g g a up. “hey, LeBron.” [laughter and applause] You know, Me and your moms.” You know what I mean? That’s like me and Chris Rock doing a movie together and he sleeping with my mama. I’ma have to rock Chris Rock. You don’t fuck moms. Mom’s off-limits. You can fuck my sister. You know what I mean? She grown. She want to give you some pussy, hey. But you don’t put your dick in where I came out. My man Michael Vick doing his thing, ain’t he? [cheers and applause] You understand me? You can’t keep a brother down. They put that boy in the game. The rest is history. You understand me? And I don’t know why They did that brother The way they did him About some damn dogs. He had some pit bulls. Now here’s the shit That fucked with me. There’s a dogfight going on. He three states away. He ain’t even at the house, And they lock him up. And his cousins ain’t shit! [cheers and applause] You staying at his house For free. You there when The dogfight go down And the bust come. One of them supposed To take the rap. “is this Michael Vick?” “no, this me.” They’d have slapped him On the wrist, $150,000 fine. N i g g a, nothing. They want to make an example out Of vick. They want every black man To have an asterisk. Kobe Bryant. “raped white bitch.” Michael Jordan. “gambled.” Michael Vick. “dogfight.” Eddie griffin. “said ‘n i g g a’.” Tricky white people. Y’all love dogs more than Y’all love human beings. I watch y’all. You see white people. They see a stray dog. You see ’em. They be like, “where’s your home? What’s your name? Let me read your tag. You have a number. We’re gonna call your master. We’re gonna find your home.” A homeless dude walk up. “can I get some change?” “get away from me, you bum.” [laughter and applause] Gonna lock this brother up About a dog. It’s called a “pit bull.” They bred to fight. The dog wants to fight. The dog sitting In the backyard. “I want to fuck something up.” You know what I’m saying? “I ain’t no poodle. What the fuck you Got me back here for?” You understand me? They ain’t trying To stop a rodeo. White people go to the rodeo. You got motherfucking shocks On the goddamn bull’s nuts To make it hop around. Oh, that’s humane. Shut them rodeos down, I’ll stop fighting My motherfucking dogs. I’m from the Midwest. We fight dogs! [barks] Still having cockfights, Ain’t you? You motherfuckers. If I wasn’t a Christian… drink up, y’all. It’s Saturday. Spoken like a true alcoholic. ’cause you know alcoholics come Up with any reason to drink. “why you drinking?” “it’s Saturday.” “why you drinking?” “it’s Sunday. Jesus had wine At the last supper.” “it’s Monday.” “first day back at the job.” “it’s Tuesday.” “kids getting on My goddamn nerves.” “it’s Wednesday.” “hump day.” “it’s Thursday.” “almost Friday.” “it’s Friday.” “thank god!” “it’s Saturday.” “that’s what I’m saying!” Shit, get fucked up, Be somebody else. [laughter] You know what I mean? You got to slave For another motherfucker On the job all week long. Saturday get here, Man, get faded And be somebody else. They be like, “who are you?” “I’m Michael Jackson… Till Sunday!” [laughter and applause] Man, uh, in case You were wondering, “hey, what you drinking, Ed?” It’s called the liquid blunt. You know what I’m saying? It’s Veuve Clicquot champagne. Give you the same high As a blunt. You don’t go up. You don’t go down. You maintain. You understand me? A police pulls me over, They can’t say, “uh, you have some weed On you?” “I don’t.” [laughter] And it’s called Veuve Clicquot– It’s actually the first Champagne ever created. ’cause I research anything I put in my temple, All right? And it’s some French shit. So those of you who were Talking that shit, “I hate the French,” Uh, fuck you. I like the French. If you hate the French, Dig up the statue of liberty And send that bitch back. They made her. If you hate the French, Keep your tongue in your mouth When you kiss, ’cause It’s called a French kiss. It ain’t called A redneck kiss. And put the croissant down, ’cause that’s French too. I like the French. Oui, oui. Tres bon, Je m’appelle, et toi. [laughter and applause] And if you’re Japanese, Genki desu domo arigato. Moshi moshi. And if you’re Chinese, Ni hao ma. Xie-xie ni. [speaking mandarin] But this is the liquid blunt. Now, he named it after His wife. Now, if you buy a bottle Of the shit, It costs $45 at Costco. I don’t get it twisted. I don’t give a fuck How much money I got. I’m frugaler than A motherfucker. ’cause you don’t stay rich By spending the shit. $45. You see them fools In them damn videos. $500 for a bottle of Crystal at a strip club. N i g g a, I ain’t paying $500 For nothing. Suck my dick! $45! And the shit is good! But he named it after His wife. You buy a bottle, There’s a picture of her On the cap. Now, when you look At the picture Of this fat, ugly bitch, You will figure out Why he created a drink. He like, “I need a drink Before I fuck your fat, Raggedy ass. I need some bubbles For my troubles.” You see, I just finished my second dui. I ain’t trying To get a third, ’cause you know California law. You get that third one, It’s an automatic year In the penitentiary area. I ain’t trying to go To jail about no drinking, ’cause you get to jail, Ain’t no drinking. I remember, I was rolling out, man. I’m coming down sunset In L.A. One night And I was high… As a motherfucker. Now I done had a couple of this, You know– [stammering] I’m doing me. You know, and I think I’m doing good. You know, I’m whipping it. And, you know, brothers, We drive with one eye In the rearview mirror And the other one on the road To make sure po-po Ain’t behind. So I’m doing my shit, And I seen the lights. I didn’t know I was in the car chase For about five minutes. I’m that high. I seen the lights And in my head I’m like, “it’s Christmas already? They got all these lights And shit.” I didn’t know till a cop car Pulled in front of me And cut me the fuck off And pulled me over. And that’s when you try To get sober quick. You like… [breathing heavy] You know how you do. “I got this. All right, let me get this shit Off of me, n i g g a. That over there. Stash pocket. Boom. Plow.” And you got to pull The wallet out If you a black man. You don’t want To get caught reaching. They shoot us. “he was reaching For something!” I’ll be having my wallet out. I.D. Showing. Clack-clack. Window already down. “I’m ready for you. Come on. Come on.” And they be asking More dumb-ass questions. He’s like, “would you like To step out of the car?” I said, “well, since it’s A yes or no answer, No, I would not like To step out of the car.” That’s when they snatch Little motherfucker out. Then they try to make you Do the gymnastic competition. You know, Walk a straight line. I said, “hey, hold up, man. I ain’t in the Olympics.” He’s like, “Eddie, so you’re Saying you’re drunk?” I said, “no, your honor. I mean, officer. I ain’t drunk. I’m fucked up! There is a difference. I can drive drunk. I’m fucked up. That’s why I thought I was going straight.” [chuckles] “you’re Eddie griffin, right? Comedian?” I said, “yeah, shit. Why you got that uniform on?” He’s like, “he’s funny in real life.” I said, “look, man”– He’s like, “Eddie, I’ma do you a favor.” “you gonna let a brother go?” “nope. Not gonna do that.” I said, “well, What the fuck is it, then?” He said, “I was wondering if I could take a picture with you For my son and my kids.” I said, “motherfucker, You let a n i g g a go, We can take pictures All night.” [laughter and applause] That’s when they said, “click-click.” Now, they sat my black ass On the curb. Sunset boulevard, Fans driving by, And you know How motherfuckers are. They don’t know. You know what I mean? N i g g a, I entertain, But I’m a real motherfucker. I’m on the corner. Click-click. There’s n i g g a s riding by. “hey, ed, what up?” I’m like, “n i g g a, I can’t wave back! “you love a n i g g a that much, Pull over. Help me.” [laughter and applause] “I’m fucked up. I can’t talk for myself. This motherfucker Put me in the car. I’m in the back. It’s an uncomfortable ride, You know? And they got the shit on tight. You back there, “look at this motherfucker.” And you can’t get comfortable, Shit. And I’m sitting in the back. I’m so fucked up, I’m still clowning. It was a white dude And a fat female white cop. And I’m sitting in the back. I looked at her fat, Funky ass. [laughter] Y’all know my mouth. Some people can edit. It just fly out. I looked at her ass, n i g g a. I said, “shit, I ain’t never Seen a police uniform With stretch marks on it.” [laughter and applause] Her partner Is sitting behind– He’s like, “this motherfucker Is crazy, for real.” They got me down to The station, And that’s when they handcuff You to that little bench. So I’m on that wooden bench, And I’m clowning This fat bitch. The night watchman jumped off The desk and said, “put that ignorant motherfucker In the cage.” They locked me up In that motherfucker. It’s a Friday night. Brothers, y’all know What I’m talking about. You there for the weekend. I don’t know if you been To jail recently. They done took out All the TVs. They done took the weights out. They literally in there Curling little n i g g a s. N i g g a, they make you put Your legs together tight And they curl these little Motherfuckers. I was so tired Of getting curled. They stuck me In the cell With the crip of The century. I got in there, that Motherfucker was dipped blue, Doo-doo-doo-doo. I said, “they put me in With the smurf.” [laughter] Every other word is like, “what up, cuz? What’s going on, cuz? Where the scene at, cuz?”     [laughter] Now, y’all know I’m from Kansas city, Missouri, right? This is when I’m first Getting to l.A. I’m like– Bloods and the hood And all that shit Wasn’t on tv yet. I’m sitting there. “cuz. Cuz.” I’m like, “we related?” “cuz?” He like, “no, cuz. You know what I’m saying, Cuz.” And the n i g g a kept doing This kind of shit. I’m like, “these n i g g a s In l.A. Is a bunch Of deaf mutes out here.” You know, These motherfuckers– N i g g a, and I’m like, “I don’t speak that shit.” All I know is this and that. [laughter and applause] He like, “n i g g a, Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, cuz? Ain’t you Eddie Griffin, Cuz?” I’m like, “yeah, motherfucker. You fucking my high up.” So I got to hollering at The little n i g g a As the n i g g a high started Coming down. I said, “n i g g a, Why y’all do that shit?” He like, “you know, cuz. You know, cuz.” I’m like, “n i g g a, I’m from Kansas city, Missouri. N i g g a, where I grew up, We didn’t have no gangs.” N i g g a be like, “n i g g a, what’s your gang?” “self.” The older brothers in here Know what I’m talking about. Back in the day, You had yourself. You had a gang, n i g g a. Me, myself, and I. Your partner showed up To make sure His partners didn’t jump in. Whoever you got beef with, Mano y mano, head up, N i g g a. “what up, n i g g a?” [rolls tongue] If you get your ass whooped, Go to the gym and practice. [laughter and applause] Had that left hook. Got to keep that right up. You got to keep that right up. [cheers and applause] Come with it. ’cause we being so soft With our kids nowadays, man. That shit get on my nerves. They locking parents up Because the kid Had a fight at school. You know what I mean? What kind of– We raising little bitch-ass Motherfuckers? A fight is in god’s plan. You supposed to fight As a kid. That lets you know Where you fit in On the food chain. You thought You was billy badass. Then you ran into Billy badass. Billy badass whooped That ass. You figure out, “I’m good at math.” they don’t even know bloods And crips started right here In Oakland. It’s a offshoot Of the black panthers. I’ma teach y’all Something tonight. When the feds came to break up The black panthers– Two of the brothers Went down to l.A. One went to Inglewood and started the bloods, Which meant, “if the police fuck With anybody on this block, We all blood, we all family, We stand together.” All right? Another one went down to Compton. Started the crips. “crips” stand for “community Resistance in progress.” If you fuck with anybody In this community, The community has got A resistance in progress, Officer! [applause] You ask these little Youngsters now, “hey, what ‘crip’ mean?” “it mean crip, cuz.” [laughter] “it mean crip, cuz. It mean crip, cuz.” And what is this retarded walk? The fuck is wrong with you, N i g g a? You just got out the zoo? You playing right into the White man’s stereotype of us. You know what I mean? Chill the fuck out on that Red and blue, n i g g a. I don’t even understand, N i g g a. We both broke. You a blood; I’m a crip. We broke. Come together like butt cheeks And be the shit. Hell, yeah. If you a little motherfucker My size, shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? ’cause them ain’t The scary ones. The quiet motherfuckers… That’s who you watch. Them the killers. You know, the loudest Motherfucker in the club Is a bitch. That n i g g a loud ’cause he scared And he hope it’s scaring you. “n i g g a, you know What I’m saying? “I’ll fuck it up! Is this scaring y’all? ’cause I’m scared As a motherfucker!” Real killers are quieter Than a motherfucker. They don’t dance. They sit in the club, Hold the wall up, And just be looking. You know, they constantly got A grit on they face. You know? Do a slow stroll Through the club. And they praying the whole time. “god, don’t let me kill Nobody else today.” And then somebody Step on his shoe. He be like… They try to let it slide, But n i g g a s like that can’t. You on the dance floor And he’ll walk up to you. “excuse me, bro. You know, you stepped On my shoes, you know? I was wondering if you’ll apologize, you know? See, I paid for mine just like You paid for yours, you know? So, you know, if you give A brother an apology, You know, we can go on And clean this on up, You know what I’m saying?” That n i g g a be like, “n i g g a, fuck you and your shoes. Old bitch-ass n i g g a. Shit.” Why he tell this motherfucker that? That’s when they get that walk. [laughter] Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Bloop! Club clearing out like roaches when the light come on. That motherfucker walk out. Don’t nobody know What happened. He still praying. “god… I told you. You know how I am. You go on and sort him out, Cause he wasn’t cool Down here.” As my grandfather said, “there’s certain people That deserve a whole Lot of leave-alone.” it’s her birthday today! who? 76! hey, my dear, Happy birthday, baby. ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ [imitating Sammy Davis Jr.] ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ to you ¶ ¶ oh, uh ¶ ¶ happy birthday ¶ ¶ dear mama ¶ [cheers and applause] We appreciate you, baby. Yes, indeedy. That’s everybody mama, Shit. You know what I mean? That’s how that shit Supposed to go, man. I be seeing some of these little Young motherfuckers When they see one of they elders Going across the street. “man, get your old ass Out the way.” Y’all see that shit? Beat the dog shit Out that motherfucker. You got the right to rap, Run around, And do all your dumb shit ’cause sisters like her And brothers her age That put it down. [cheers and applause] I got nine kids, and don’t none Of ’em want for shit. You know, when I hear Motherfuckers talking about Child support on one kid, I just laugh. I’m like, “that’s it?” Shit, n i g g a. Come to my world. [laughter] Shit, two ex-wives. Four, five baby mamas. My first-of-the-month calls Is a motherfucker. Shit, I thought I was pimping. I’m doing shows for them. They pimping the shit Out my black ass. “n i g g a, go do some shows.” I bet you they get together And huddle. N i g g a, I get a movie, They be like, “come on, girl. We got a movie.” [laughter and applause] But I wouldn’t trade One of my babies in To save my motherfucking life. [applause] ’cause really, At the end of life, That’s all you Motherfucking leave. You don’t take no money With you. You understand me? I ain’t never seen A brinks truck Pull up to a funeral. The Egyptians tried to take Their money with ’em. Ain’t they digging them Motherfuckers up? Now king tut on tour. This dead motherfucker Still on tour. [laughter and applause] And if they could legally Get away with digging Michael up, That n i g g a’d be on tour too. “where’s Michael?” “he’s on tour.” That n i g g a in the casket And the music play. [imitating Michael Jackson] “hee-hee!” that’s why I smoke And I drink. ’cause when I’m dead, I don’t want nobody Walking by my casket Talking about, “damn, ed look good.” If I look good, I should still Be motherfucking alive. I want a motherfucker walking By my casket to say, “god damn! I see why that n i g g a dead!” [laughter and applause] It ain’t the quality of life– Or the quantity. It’s the quality. You understand me? Would you really want to live To be 199 years old, Shitting on yourself? You come in the world In diapers. If you got to leave In depends, You stayed too long. If it look like I’m about To shit on myself, Unplug me, n i g g a. ’cause life is for The living. And motherfuckers That are alive and love you Don’t want to unplug you ’cause they love you. Motherfucker, let me go. I said I’m tired. Now unplug this shit. I want to see what The next part look like. ’cause I know this Ain’t the end. Energy ain’t dissipated. It’s transferred. This spirit animates this clay We motherfucking trapped in. You understand me? Clay drop the fuck down. My spirit going on To the next phase, n i g g a. Now, leave me the fuck alone. [applause] You understand me? I had my fun. And some of you Old motherfuckers Ain’t playing fair. You know, they got this New shit viagra, cialis. I think god put A ticking clock on a dick. Your dick supposed to be done Right around the speed limit. Ain’t no need in you having No kids after 55. Your ass ain’t gonna be here When they get out of school. Now, play fair. Put the pill down. Shut your dick up. ’cause a young motherfucker– Supposed to be our turn to get Some down pussy. Old n i g g a already established. He got a business. He got a motherfucking Rolls-Royce. He getting all the young pussy, And the young n i g g a like this, “but, baby, Well, you know”– She like, “you ain’t got no car. I’m going with sugar daddy.” Put your wrinkled-up monster up. And you know them old n i g g a s Be cheating, n i g g a. Right now, they popping They pill ’cause they know The show almost over. [laughter and applause] ’cause they know it take A hour for it to kick in. You know. “I’ma be ready for you After this show, girl. Gonna be ready for you. Tell you I drop I like it’s hot. I can drop it Like it’s hot.” [cheers and applause] If y’all think I’m funny, My grandfather is The funniest motherfucker Outside of Richard Pryor I ever met. My granddaddy would sit on The front porch. He’d be like, “lookie here. I like young hos.” I said, “young hos?” He like, “yeah, n i g g a. If you catch me with something Over 27, I’m holding it For the police.” [laughter] “all I can show A 30-year-old bitch is, Is where the old folks’ Home is. You know how many dicks She done seen In 30 years, Eddie? I like young hos.” He said, “Eddie, I had one So young last night, When I got done, I had to burp her.” I couldn’t even call him A dirty old man. I was just like… “all right.” ’cause the n i g g a Explained it to me. He said, “there’s one thing An old motherfucker don’t want, And that’s an old bitch. Two old motherfuckers Don’t go together. Dust flying everywhere.” [audience members shouting] hey, baby. I had to come to The yay area. [cheers and applause] ’cause I know up here, Y’all motherfuckers is sharp. You know what I mean? And you’re still street At the same time, so you– You know what I mean? You actually see n i g g a s With books up here. [cheers and applause] You know what I mean? If you wanna stop motherfuckers From dealing dope On your block, on the corner, Walk up and hand them n i g g a s A book. Watch them run. That n i g g a trying to get me To read! All these words and stuff. Yeah, they say these White people are scared of A n i g g a with a gun. No, they ain’t. When they see your ass with A gun, here’s what they do. “gotcha! He’ll be in jail soon.” They see your ass With a book– Try this shit, ’cause I do it all the time. Go to Starbucks Or one of them little, You know, coffee shops. Sit down with a book. White person sitting Over there. They can’t resist it, n i g g a, They just be like… [laughter] [cheers and applause] Get a book, man. Reading is fundamental. Fun to mental. [cheers and applause] Think! It ain’t illegal yet. But they’re working on it. [cheers and applause] I want the young motherfuckers In here tonight, No matter what Your nationality is, Turn the motherfucking TV off For one week. And see if you can survive. Motherfuckers are going into A television junkie Motherfucking mode, There ain’t no TV. I need my remote, n i g g a, I’m jonesing. It’s called tele… Vision… Programming. They’re telling you visually The program. You’re being programmed. You watch it on the news. “it was on CNN. It’s true.” “I’ve seen it on fox. It’s real.” It’s bullshit! [cheers and applause] You know Obama Ain’t running shit. Puppet on a string. [laughter] That n i g g a ran for office And said, “I’ma stop both wars.” Didn’t he just send 60,000 more troops To Afghanistan? He took them out of Iraq. Them n i g g a s thought They was going home. “shit, n i g g a, the war over. We going home.” He like, “no. Over there.” They wives and shit, Family thinking These motherfuckers coming home. N i g g a, they get shipped To a new war. And you know these wars Is about what? ¶ money, money, money, money ¶ Now, Iraq, We annexed that country. You know, took the oil, N i g g a. Now, one thing you know about American motherfucking history, Wherever we land, We don’t leave. We already got three bases, Permanent bases in Iraq. We still in Vietnam, Still in motherfucking Korea, And still got a base in japan. Everywhere we land, We don’t leave! You know what I mean? I thought it was called The United States of america, Not the united empire Of earth. “you will do as I say.” How the fuck we gonna Go over to Iraq And tell ’em we’re giving These people freedom? They didn’t ask for it! Wasn’t no Iraqis over there, “come on over here. We wanna vote.” Them motherfuckers Was chillin’. Now we over in Afghanistan. You know what we there for. Opium. 90% of the world’s opium Comes from… Afghanistan. Holla at your boy. [laughter and applause]     Now, in the Buddhist religion, They smoke opium. There’s 1.6 billion Chinese. In order to control china, You must control opium. China owns 90% of our debt. Welcome to china. [laughter] Learn the language. Ni hao ma. [laughter] Xie-xie ni. The Chinese Ain’t to be fucked with. One Bruce Lee would fuck up this whole room. [laughter] 1.6 billion Bruce Lees? N i g g a, leave ’em alone. Oh, America know who to attack. You ain’t never seen them Go fuck with china. Remember, china had one Of our motherfuckers– Students in Tienanmen square Beating the shit out of him On national television With a bamboo Motherfucking stick. Did America go and attack? No. You know what they said? “what is he doing over there?” [laughter] “somebody get his parents On the phone.” [laughter] ’cause that Bruce Lee Was a bad motherfucker. [cheers and applause] 5’7″. 140 pounds. Dynamite. You understand me? That motherfucker in the movie, You ever seen that motherfucker? He walked in a dojo. 300 motherfuckers. Bruce walk in and… And, you know, I love that n i g g a walk. We can fight one at time… Or together. If you sitting in that dojo, You gotta ask yourself Two questions. Either he got a bomb On his ass… Or he’s really A bad motherfucker. Neither one of them are good. And remember the motherfucking Teachers are always like, “wang, chang, lilang wang. Hang!” They run out there And get killed, n i g g a. [laughter] Then he go with the second set. “wang, chang, ching-chong, Chang, wong-long.” If I’m in that second set, I would have been like, “hey, hey, hold the fuck up. Them was your black belts. My shit is orange. You the teacher. Teach! Now, if you whoop his ass, I’ll keep taking your class. If not, I’m about to study With that motherfucker. I’m Eddie Griffin. Y’all been wonderful. Good night, Oakland, baby."
1686241587-73,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Kevin Hart: Seriously Funny (2010) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-hart-seriously-funny-2010-full-transcript/,"Whoa! Yeah, Cleveland. What’s up, Cleveland? How you all feeling? Everybody good? Y’all good? Everybody straight? Cold as shit out this bitch, ain’t it? I don’t like that— All this snow. I don’t like that shit. Y’all got that slushy shit, that slipping snow. Hey, look— God damn it. There’s slush. There’s slush right there. Watch the slush. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. I don’t like that shit. Y’all ain’t supposed to have snow out here. Good year for y’all though. Right now got— Before I even get started, shouts out to— — Hey, sugar foot. How you doing? How you doing, sweetie? Get it out now. Before we get started, shouts out to my man Shaq up front showing love. The cavs. My man LeBron in the house. Shout out to our boy LeBron in the house. It’s a good year for y’all. A good year for y’all. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. Y’all might do it. All right, y’all got me up here for a while, all right? And this time— About an hour. I’m gonna be up here about an hour. Now in this time y’all gonna hear a lot of stuff. I’m not gonna lie to y’all. Don’t judge me. I don’t want nobody judging me. I love to be honest when I’m on stage. I talk about things that I know— My family, my kids. I love to talk about my babies. Two babies— Little boy and little girl. Now I used to talk about my son being a dumb baby. I used to. I’m serious, I did. I thought my baby was a dumb baby. But now I’ve realized he’s not dumb, he just does dumb shit. Like, I don’t like the way my son throws his tantrums. You know, when a baby throws a tantrum he’s supposed to fall out, cry, roll on the ground. That’s a tantrum. This is not a joke, this is for real. This is what my son does when he gets mad. I’m not lying. Don’t make me laugh. Look. This is what he do. He goes… This is what he do. He go… It’s the most retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t say nothing. I got to wait till he’s finished then explain to people what happened. Then explain to people what happened. He got an attitude ’cause he can’t get no candy. My baby is weird, man. When he gets mad he gets in the oven. I swear to God. He gets in the oven. Then get an attitude with me when I get him out. Boy, get your ass out of the damn oven. Get your ass out of the oven before I turn it on. When I say that he go, “hot. Hot. That thing hot, daddy.” I love him to death though, man. Two— A little boy and little girl. Now my daughter, my daughter’s a different ballgame. My daughter’s spoiled, man. About to be five. Spoiled. I’m not gonna lie. I spoil her. That’s what I’m supposed to do. She’s at that age now though where she knows. She knows how to play me and her mom against each other. She knows how to make us fight.
 Here’s how she got me in trouble the other day. She came in the room, she hit me with the soft voice. She’s like, “dad, can I have a cookie?” I said, “yeah, baby. Let’s go get a cookie.” I start walking towards the kitchen. Out of nowhere all I hear is, “don’t give her no goddamn cookie!” Scared the shit out of me. I stopped. I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was Jesus at first. I went, “why can’t she have a cookie, Jesus? What did she do?” But here’s how smart she is. She knew how to get a reaction out of me. She looked at me. She said, “dad, I thought you was the king of the house.” When she said that, it set me off. It riled me up. So I snapped. I said, “what the fuck you mean she can’t have no goddamn cookie? Why’d you buy the cookies if can’t nobody eat a cookie? That makes you stupid for buying uneatable cookies. Ain’t nobody getting a cookie.” I shut the whole cookie operation down. I grabbed the cookies, got my ladder, put them on top of the refrigerator. Then I hid my ladder. It wasn’t a big ladder. Three steps. It’s a ladder for thugs. Pap pap pap, real quick. Little thug ladder. This parenting thing is hard. You need patience. Got to have a lot of patience to deal with these kids. I’m not gonna lie, I don’t have a lot of patience. I’m learning. I’m trying. Certain things make me mad. Like, I don’t like it when I tell my kids to do stuff and they do exactly what I say. I want you to do what I say, but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. but I want you to do it how I pictured you doing it. Don’t do it the way you want to do it. Do it the way I saw you doing it when I told you to do it. It might be confusing, but this is serious to me. The other day my son, he’s suped up off candy. He’s running all over the house. I got mad. “Hey, that’s it. Come here. Shut it down. Go to bed.” Swear to God, this is what he did. This made me so mad. Standing up, this is what he did. I said, “go to bed.” He said, “ah” I was so mad. “Wake your damn ass up. You don’t sleep standing up. You’re not no vampire.” You’re not no vampire.” I was mad ’cause I didn’t know how to explain why I was mad. You don’t close your eyes till your brain tells your body to shut everything down. I got a lot of fears, man. I got a lot of fears as a parent. Let me tell you guys one of my biggest fears. One of my biggest fears is my son growing up and being gay. That’s a fear. Keep in mind I’m not homophobic. I have nothing against gay people. Be happy, do what you wanna do. But me being a heterosexual male, But me being a heterosexual male, if I can prevent my son from being gay, I will. Now with that being said, I don’t know if I handled my son’s first gay moment correctly. Every kid has a gay moment. Okay? Every kid. But when it happens, you’ve got to nip it in the bud. You got to stop it right then. “Hey, stop! That’s gay!” It’s quick. “No!” I don’t know if I handled my son’s situation right. Okay? He’s at a birthday party, right? My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. My son’s at a birthday party, he’s playing. You know when kids play, they just play. You don’t know what they’re doing but they’re having a good time. They’re just doing a bunch of stuff, right? They’re moving around. I said, “okay, he’s good.” I finished talking, I turn back around to check on my son again, a little boy was grinding on my son’s ass. He was like this. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I knocked them both down. “Hey, what’s going on here? What kind of party is this? Huh? What kind of party is this? What’s going on here?” This lady came out. She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” She was like, “what are you doing? They’re kids, let them play.” I said, “you show me another kid getting fucked in the ass and I’ll calm down.” My son had on corduroys. That’s why I had attitude. I didn’t see it, I heard it. All I heard was… Brr brr brr. “What the? Who the hell is playing with cards? What is that? Is somebody shuffling cards? They’re too young for spades here.” The thing that pissed me off— Here’s what pissed me off, man. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I was eating a buffalo wing when it happened. I should have dropped the wing and ran over there, but I licked my fingers first. I didn’t mean it. I said, “hey! Boy!” The black in me came out. There’s a lot of pressure dealing with kids, man. But I’m learning. Here’s one thing I’ve learned. Here’s why my patience is getting better. My kids are gonna make mistakes. The reason why— When I was a kid I made mistakes. I did a lot of stupid stuff as a child. My blood’s in them. They’re gonna follow suit. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. With that being said, I don’t get as mad as I used to. I’m calming down. My daughter cursed for the first time the other day. I didn’t get mad. We was watching “SpongeBob.” Something happened to Patrick. Out of nowhere she got mad. She’s like, “shit!” I said, “wait, what? What did you say?” She’s like, “shit! They got Patrick, dad. You not watching?” I said, “whoa. All right.” Here’s why I didn’t get an attitude. I’m gonna tell you why I didn’t get an attitude. I didn’t give her attitude because I remember my first time cussing. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My first time cussing was ’cause my mom smacked me in front of company. My friends was over my house. I’m downstairs. We’re playing, we’re having a good time. My mom comes downstairs, she said, “hey. I told you to keep it down. You don’t run this house, I do, okay? With that being said, that’s it. You’re done. Go to bed.” Smacked me. Sent me up to my room. Now you know when you get smacked when you’re a kid you get hyped when you get by yourself. “You gonna smack me, bitch? In front of my friends? You gonna smack me?!”
 I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. I was emotional. I was an emotional-ass kid. “I’m running away! That’s it!” I packed a bag and everything. You know how many times I packed a bag with a toy? I packed a bag with one toy. “I’m out. I’m sick of it. Me and He-Man are out.” My mom gave me permission to cuss one time. One time she gave me permission to cuss. I’m in school, I’m being bad. My teacher got mad. Said, “Kevin, come here.” Told me to come to the front of the class. Wrote a note, stapled the note to my chest. Said, “make sure your mother reads the note.” I get home, my mom reads the note. The note said, “maybe if you showed your son some more attention at home, he wouldn’t act like a fool in school.” My mom read the note. She said, “let me tell you something. You tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” Before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “okay. You want me to say it like that? Or do you want me to take some stuff out?” “What I say? Tell her mind her damn business before I come down there and I beat her ass.” I said, “no, I heard what you said. I just want to make sure that you know that you’re telling me to say the same thing.” “Kevin, if I tell you again I’m gonna smack the shit out of you.” “Okay. No, I got it. Okay, I got it. Okay, I got it. No, I got it. All right, okay.” Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? Keep in mind it’s a lot of pressure, all right? My mom just gave me permission to go to school and cuss my teacher out. I didn’t feel comfortable with the situation. So I wanted to practice. I wanted to go upstairs, I wanted to go over my lines. So I’m in the mirror, I’m going over my lines. I’m like, “okay, all right. Okay, all right. Okay. My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn— No, that’s too loud. That’s way too loud. That’s not believable. It’s too loud.” Finally I go over it. I get it down. I’m like, you know what? I’m gonna go to bed early, get some rest. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. ’cause I got a big day ahead of me tomorrow. I don’t want to mess this up. So I go to bed. I wake up, get dressed. Put on my pants and my shirt. I get on the school bus. All my friends see me. They get hyped. “Ooh, Kevin’s on the bus. Everybody look. Kevin’s on the bus. What up, Kev?” I was like, “yo, not today, y’all. I got a lot of stuff on my mind. I can’t really have y’all throwing me off.” My friends was like, “what are you talking about?” “I can’t really get into it. All I can tell y’all is that it’s about to go down.” He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. He was like, “what?” I said, “look, man. It’s about to go down. Just be behind me when I walk in class.” He said, “all right, cool.” I walk in class, miss green my teacher, she starts speaking to everybody. “Hello. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Good morning.” She sees me, she was like, “Kevin.” I said, “miss green.” She said, “did you let your mother read the note?” I said, “yes I did.” She said, “well, what did your mother say?” I took a deep breath. I looked at my friends. I was like, “it’s about to go down.” I said, “well… I said, “well… My mom told me to tell you to mind your damn motherfucking business, bitch. Little stupid bitch. Little dumb teacher bitch. 2+2 not knowing what the fuck it is bitch. Cross-eyed, crying down your back fat foot ass bitch. Long tittied, no nipple having ass bitch.” The shit was crazy. My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! My friends was in the back and they was like, “oooh! He said she ain’t had no nipples.” I got suspended. I got suspended and an ass whipping. My mom beat the shit out of me when I got home. “I told you to say two cuss words. You said 76 of them.” I thought I was Samuel L. Jackson. I’m sick and tired of these motherfucking teachers in this motherfucking school. I had a trench coat on and I flapped it. You know when you flap it, you got to get that air under it. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. Like fuck everybody in this bitch. I don’t give a shit. I’m a goddamn thug. You can’t be so hard on your kids, man. One of my friends got a teenage daughter. He too strict. I told him, “you got to relax. That girl gonna do what she want to do when you’re not around anyway. Relax, man.” He said, “Kev, let me tell you something. Do what you want to do with your kids. Don’t tell me how to raise my kids.” I said, “you’re right. I apologize.” Now this isn’t funny, but it made me laugh, okay? He goes to his daughter’s phone and he finds a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? of a little boy’s thing on the phone. Right? Now it’s my friend, okay? Tells me everything. It’s not funny that he found a picture of a little boy’s thing on the phone. It was funny the way he told me. He confides in me. He tells me everything. He comes on the tour bus, he mad as shit. He says, “Kev, you’re not gonna believe this. I go through Tiffany’s phone. I found a picture of a little boy’s, uh, situation on the phone.” I said, “what? What?” “I found a picture of the hot dog without the bun on the phone.” “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— “What are you talking— ” “A tallynackle. She had— It’s a dick on the phone! She got a dick on the phone!” I didn’t know what to say so I just kept repeating what he said. I said, “so you’re telling me he is a dick on the phone?” He said, “there’s a dick on the phone.” “So right now if I look in the phone there’s gonna be a dick in it?” I said, “well, what you gonna do?” He said, “what you think I’m gonna do? I’m about to go to the school.” I said, “why you going to the school?” He said, “why you think? I’m about to find out whose dick it was. That’s why I’m going to the school.” I said, “yo, I don’t think that’s a good look. I don’t think you should do that. I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture I don’t think you should go to the school with a picture of a little boy’s dick in the phone and try to match it up to other little boys. That’s a little pedophile-ish, don’t you think? You’ll be in jail before 3:00.” He said, “well, what would you do?” By far the most difficult question I’ve ever been asked in my life. He said, “what would you do? ” I thought about it. I don’t know. I don’t know what I would do if I found a picture of a little boy’s thing on my daughter’s phone. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d probably punch her in the throat. I don’t know. ‘Cause I got a son too, okay? If I found out that my son is pulling his thing out at school, when his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. When his mother’s around I’m gonna have an attitude. I’m gonna have a lot of stuff to say. “Really? Really, dude? That’s what you do at school? So you don’t need pants ’cause your dick is out, that’s what you’re telling me?” As soon as his mom leaves— “Hey, come here. What she say when she saw it? Give me some. Give me some. Yes! Hell yeah! Sometimes you got to put it on the table, son. Let ’em see it. We small but we big at the same time. Let ’em know.” I’m a different type of parent. I’m a different type of parent. I am a different type of parent. I’m not gonna lie. Certain things I do differently. I don’t like babysitting. I can admit that. I don’t like watching my kids by myself— Too much pressure. No man does. No man in this room is a good babysitter. I can tell you how every man in this room watches kids. We sit on the couch and listen for shit. That’s how we watch our kids. Kids do whatever they want when they’re with dad. “Hey! Hey! I know y’all not in that toilet. Y’all better not be in that toilet!” We ain’t gonna do nothing. I definitely don’t like watching other people’s kids. It’s too much pressure. There’s nothing worse than watching somebody else’s baby and you give them their baby back in a condition that they didn’t give you their baby in. Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? Like you ever have to explain something before they see their baby? “Hey, real quick before you look at your baby. Uh, your baby had two eyes for sure, right? Okay, so it happened here. Gas went off in the kitchen, blew the back of your baby’s face out. It was crazy. My baby knew what to do. He got in the oven. Your baby just stood there. Y’all don’t run in your house? Don’t nobody run in your house?” I had one little girl get hurt over at my house. Scariest thing ever, man. One little girl, right? My daughter got real big bunk beds. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. I’m in the living room. I’m watching TV. Her and her friends, they in the room playing. Out of nowhere, I hear a loud bang. Bang! Little girl start crying. Aah! Aaaaaah! I come in the room, the girls are standing around her. They all standing around her. One girl is on her knee looking at her face to face. This is what almost MADE ME LAUGH: When I came in the room, the girl looked at me like “hm hm hm.” But I can’t laugh ’cause I’m in daddy mode. I’ve got to figure out what happened. I go to my daughter. It’s her room. She’s responsible. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. I said, “heaven, c’mere. Come here. It’s your room. You’re responsible. What happened?” It’s very hard to take a kid out of play mode. When kids are playing, they don’t know that shit just got real. They don’t know. In her mind it’s still a game. I said, “what happened?” This is what my daughter did. She said, “ho! Daddy! Daddy!” You ever see kids do that shake shit? “What is wrong with— Stop. Stop shaking your face. Stop. What happened?” Stop. What happened?” This is the story my baby told me. She said, “we got monsters, daddy. There’s a bunch of monsters in here. The prince came out, told us to get in the castle. The castle was at the top of the bunk bed. We got up there, there was too many people in the castle, so… Somebody had to go. We took a vote and she lost. I kicked her off.” “Wait, what? What?” “I kicked her off, dad. It could’ve been anybody.” My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. My baby made an executive decision. I said, “all right. She had to go. I get it. I understand.” I’ll tell you another fear of mine. I’ll tell you another fear of mine. Here’s another fear of mine. My biggest fear is getting knocked out in front of my babies. That’s a fear, man! As a dad, what do you do? What do you do when your kids come get you? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” As a dad, you gotta go whip whoever them’s ass is. That’s your job as a dad. What do you do when you go down there and get your ass whipped? What do you say? What do you say to your kids? “Dad, they messin’ with me?” “Who?” “Them!” “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— “Stay right here. Hey, motherf— Come on, come on! Let’s go! These n i g g a s are real! Let’s go! Hurry up! Get in the car! Was that a kid? Was that a kid? When we get home, I’m whippin’ your ass for putting me in that situation. I had nothing to do with that. I woke up this morning as a Christian. You don’t do that to me.” It’s a different ballgame. See, me? I’m gonna be honest with you guys, man. I’m not that guy. I’m not a fighter, man. I’m not. I won’t act like I am. I won’t. Seen too many bad things happen. I saw my dad get knocked out one time. I was 13. It traumatized me. This guy hit my dad twice in the same spot— Uhn uhn— Quick as hell. Quickest two punches I’ve ever seen in my life. I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast I’ve never seen anything like it. Hit my dad so fast in the middle of the fight my dad stopped and asked me what happened. In the middle of the fight. He’s like, “shit! Hey! Kevin, hey! He just hit me twice?” “Yes. Yes he did.” “Are you sure it was him?” “It’s only y’all two out here, dad. Ain’t nobody else out here with y’all.” “So you telling me he that fast? They not jumping me? Ain’t nobody jumping me?” “No, nobody jumping you. It’s just him.” “Well, he must be an octopus. I saw a lot of stuff goin’ by my face.” “Really? Really, dad? “Really? Really, dad? An octopus? That’s what you just fought? A human octopus? Really?” When my dad called another grown-ass man an octopus, that was the day he stopped being my dad. I lost all respect. He didn’t understand that. He was still trying to discipline me. “Kevin! Hey! Didn’t I tell you to get the trash out? Get up, get the trash out before I crack your damn face.” “Shut up. Shut up! You get the trash out before I get Steve over here, put his damn hands on you again.” “Oh. Oh. “Oh. Oh. Oh, you gonna get Steve, huh? You are something else, you know that? You are something else. Give me the trash. I’ll take the trash out. Give me the trash.” He didn’t want to see Steve again. Steve beat the shit out of my dad. You ever see somebody lose a fight and talk like they won? That’s my dad. After he got knocked out, he’s like, “you good? Are you good now?” I said, “dad, I don’t think that’s your lines. I think the winners say that. I think the guy who won say that. I think the guy who won say that. You just lay down for a second and let him finish his speech. I think you got up too fast anyway. You gonna be dizzy.” When I saw my dad get knocked out and I saw my brother get knocked out, it made me feel like, as a family, we’re not good at this particular activity. We’re not fighters. We’re readers. We’re good readers in my family. You don’t know what people are capable of now. Too many people know too many different things. I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? I’m serious. Know what I’m scared of? U.F.C. Fighters. You know why? Because they’re real. That is not a game, people. They are here. They exist. They know shit. Touch a pressure point, shuts your whole body down. Pow. “It’s a wrap. Can’t move none of that.” “Fight back!” “I can’t. Everything is shut down. I don’t know what he did. Everything. I can’t move anything.” You know who gonna get their asses beat by these guys? Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs. I’m gonna tell you why. Thugs, y’all don’t know how to just fight. Thugs always got to give you a speech before they fight. You ever see how long it take a thug to fight? Gotta give you his whole background before he fight. It take too long. “Yeah. Real n i g g a s. All day. Just me. By myself. On the block. Holding it down. Gun at my waist. Straight face. All day. Not a game. In jail. By myself! One bed. No pillowcase. One pillow. Didn’t nobody write me. It was early. Woke up. Went back to sleep. Took a nap. You ever go night night, n i g g a? Took a nap. You ever go night night, n i g g a? You ever go night night, n i g g a?! Everybody goes night night, n i g g a!” “What? What does this have to do with the fight? Are we fighting or not? ” “You didn’t write me.” “I don’t know you.” These guys are gonna be the ones, man. Everybody can’t be a thug. Everybody cannot be a thug. I can’t stand TV thugs. You know what a TV thug is? Those the guys who do what they see on TV all day, every day. All day, every day. all day, every day. All day, every day. You ever see those guys. “Yeah, nig’. What, nig’?” You never seen the dancing thugs? Get out the car… “It ain’t a game. You think it’s a game around here?” I don’t like those guys. I know real thugs. My uncle is a real thug. Certified. Put a stamp on him. Locked up 15 years. Got out of jail, ain’t nothing changed. Very serious. When my uncle talk, this is how he look. I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s talking about. This is how he looks… I don’t care what he’s sayin’. “Put the goddamn jelly on the motherfuckin’ sandwich. Do it! Spread it!” He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s institutionalized, man. Understand when you’ve been in jail 15 years, all you know is jail. Your mannerisms, your language— You eat, sleep and think jail. Okay? Your threats aren’t even the same. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. When you threaten somebody, they should know what’s about to happen. It’s a transition into a fight. “I’m sick of your ass. Get up.” When they get up, they know there’s gonna be a fight. Stuff my uncle says leaves you in suspense. They’re like the worst jail metaphors I’ve ever heard in my life. I don’t even know how to explain ’em. He gets out of jail, my brother calls me. “Kevin, uncle Richard just got home.” “I’m on the first flight. I’ll be there in the morning.” I ain’t seen him in 15 years. I got to see him. I get there, my uncle’s in the middle of the living room. I’m hyped to see him. “Uncle Richard, what up, baby? 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” 15 years. That’s a long time. How you been?” I swear to God this is what he said. “Say it with your chest, little-ass n i g g a!” I didn’t know what to say. My brother grabbed me. He was like, “chill. He’s been saying this all day. We don’t know what it means. Wait till we figure it out.” Here’s the thing, right? I said, “I’m not gonna chill. I’m gonna talk to him. Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side Y’all not talkin’ to him.” I pulled him to the side and said, “look, unc, a lot of stuff has changed since you’ve been gone. I’m doing well. I’m making good money. Let me take you out, put you around some women, get some drinks. We’ll have a good time.” He said, “all right, cool.” I take him to a lounge, right? I’m at the bar. I’m drinking. There’s women around me. I’m having a good time I can’t see him, but I can hear him. I can’t see him, but I can hear him. Out of nowhere all I hear is “I’m sick of this motherfucker, man. Kev, pin the tail on his ass!” “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? “Is it his birthday? Why would I do that? W-why would I do that? What do you mean?” “Peel this motherfucker’s muffin cap back blue.” “Is that drink? That’s probably a drink. Can I get a peel his muffin cap back blue?” “Say it with your chest!” “Can I get a peel his muffin cap—” I didn’t know what to do. I was confused. My family threw him on me, man. They threw him on me. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. They said, “Kev, look, you’re making money. Give him a job. Give him a second chance at life.” I said, “fine. I’m gonna let him train me, okay?” I was about to go to Australia. I was gonna film a movie. I wanted to get a little bigger. Let him train me. Reason why? My uncle had that jail body. Up top, solid. Not a game. Rock hard. Didn’t work on his legs that much. Sometimes you could see him struggling to keep the top half up— The stick legs. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the time. Looked like this n i g g a was tip drilling all the time. “What are you doing, unc? Why you keep shakin’ your ass? What are you doing? Relax your ass, man.” “I ain’t shakin’ it. It’s my legs.” Now for those of you who do not understand the job of a personal trainer, I’ll explain it to you. A personal trainer’s job is to do what? Motivate you, people, make you feel like you could do things you never thought you could do. Here’s an example of a personal trainer’s conversation. “Come on, man. You can do it. “Come on, man. You can do it. Push it. You got it. Breathe. Three more. Last two. Get it up. Last one. Good set. Go wipe off.” That’s a trainer conversation. Once again, I didn’t like the way that he talked to me, okay? We’re at the gym. I’m on a weight bench. I’m not gonna lie. I’m struggling. I couldn’t get it. I couldn’t get it. Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth Out of nowhere, he came up behind me. “Close your mouth before somebody come up, put their dick in it on the yard.” “What’d he say? What’d he just say? Somebody get the weights. I just wanna ask him something. Somebody get the weights. Let me ask him something. Uh, is that a dick out behind me for real or is he just joking? No, if it is, that’s gotta change. Somebody’s got to put that up. I’m not gonna work out if that’s gonna stay out. I pay my membership like everybody else. I don’t need to see that. Fix it.” That’s when I stopped messing with him. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. Hey, real quick. This is not a joke. I just want to know what you guys think. Be honest. You don’t gotta lie, okay? This is true. It’s me being honest. I’m opening up to y’all for a second. Does this make me gay? I was at the mall, right? Some guy saw me. He was like, “oh, Kev Hart. What up, man? I’m a big fan. I love you, dude. Funny as hell. Keep doing you, man. Swear to God. Funny.” And I caught it. Does that make me gay? Does that make me gay? Does it make me gay? I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. I thought he was waving. Put yourself in my shoes. I thought he was waving. By the time I realized it wasn’t a wave, it was too late. I was like, “hey, man. No no no. I got it. Too late. Okay. Ummm.” It was weird. What do I do now? I held it until he left and then I set it down. I didn’t use it. I set it down. I swear to God. I’ll tell you the truth. I didn’t use it. I didn’t put it in my pocket. I just set it down. I wanted to be like my uncle for a minute. I did. This is me being honest with you guys. Reason why? My uncle got so much respect, man. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. People feared my uncle. I was like I want that fear. Don’t nobody fear me. People think I’m a bitch. They do. My lady think I’m a bitch. Call me a bitch all the time. “You a bitch!” Right to my face. “So? Now what? What happens now?” It’s not that I’m a bitch. I’m just smart. I don’t put myself in situations where I’m not gonna win. That don’t make me a bitch. Here’s what really PISSES ME OFF: If I am a bitch, that’s our business. Don’t nobody know me. You don’t know me, man. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say. If me and you get into an argument, it don’t matter what I say, you got to believe me ’cause you don’t know what I’m capable of. Same thing vice-versa. Only way you could tell if I was a bitch is if somebody close to me says something to set an alarm off in your head. That’s the type of shit she do. We’re at dinner. I’m a little drunk. I’m not gonna lie. I get into an argument with this guy, hit him with some thug shit. “Say something else to me, I’m gonna go to my car, I’ma pop the trunk on your bitch ass.” That means I’m gonna go to my car, get a gun, come back, shoot this shit up. When I said it, she was like, “what you gonna get, the car seat?” “Bitch, what— “Bitch, what— Oh my God. Why would you say that out loud? Way to go. Congratulations on messing this up for me. Congratulations.” Women, y’all make me mad with that. I’m gonna tell you what pisses me off, ladies. I hate the fact, women, that you cannot control your anger. I hate it. I really hate it. Women, you need to learn to put a cap on your anger. You know what I mean when I say “cap, ” sweetie? A cap. It means a point that you will never go above. It means a point that you will never go above. That’s a cap. Men, we have a cap. What’s the worst thing you’ll ever say to a woman? – Shouldn’t take that long, fellas. – Bitch. “Bitch.” There you go. Come in different levels. “Bitch! Hey! Bitch! Bitch!” Different levels. Different levels. Women, y’all don’t have a cap. Y’all try to cut so deep when you get mad. You want to mess with a man’s pride, his goals. Y’all say stuff that ain’t nobody’s business. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. It’s Christmas. My mother’s here. You bring up personal stuff ’cause you got an attitude. “Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Whatever. Fuck you, pissin’-in-the-bed boy. Uh-huh! What now? That’s right. Go upstairs, flip the mattress. It’s a big-ass piss stain on the other side ’cause you don’t know how to control your bladder. Boo-ya! Right in front of your ma.” Now you gotta sit there with the “she lyin'” face. “What? You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. No, you’re a liar. You’re a liar. That’s Mountain Dew. I didn’t pee on anything.” That’s the difference. Ladies, y’all go too far. When you get mad, y’all see red. Y’all go to the point of no return, man. Why do you grab the steering wheel while a man is driving? Why? Why?! We both in the car. You’re gonna kill us both. But you don’t care ’cause you see red. “Fuck you! Kill us! Kill us both!” Kill us! Kill us both!” “Hey. Hey! Kill your side, bitch. Ain’t no ‘kill us.’ us ain’t mad. You got the attitude.” I know women. I can break women down. I’m gonna tell you guys something that you’re not gonna like, but you need to hear it. You need to hear it. Not one woman in this room likes for her man to have a good time when she’s not around. Not one. It’s a true statement. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. I see some of y’all lookin’ at me with attitude. “Not true. I don’t care. Have fun. Shut up. Kill yourself.” Let me tell you why. Just listen. Let me tell you why I feel like this, okay? I don’t say anything that I cannot prove. That’s your lady right there, right? If I’m wrong, sweetie, tell me I’m wrong. You ever been out with your boys? You’re with your boys. You ain’t doing nothing wrong. Ain’t no women around. You’re having a good time with your boys. She call you while you out. When you pick up the phone, she hears fun in the background. That’s why they get an attitude. ’cause she hears fun. You pick up the phone having a good time. “Hey, shut up, Steve! Hey! No, hey, I ain’t gonna take another shot. No, hey! Yo, I swear to God that was like the best night of my life. I swear to God. Hey. Hey, what’s up, babe?” “You know what? Nothing. Do you. I haven’t got time for this. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. Do you, boo boo. You know why? ’cause I’ma do me! Do you, boo boo! Do you! Every time I call you always laughing. What the fuck is so funny?! You laughing at my stretch marks?” “What? Nobody knows you have stretch marks.” “Whatever!” Y’all crazy, man. Y’all are crazy. I’m very serious, man. I’ll— I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. For those people that are not believers yet, I’ll go a step further. Fellas, you ever have a genuine laugh around your lady? I’m talking about to where your stomach hurt. You know the good laughs? One of them. You ever look at your lady’s face? See how mad she get ’cause she’s not a part of the laugh? Look at her face. You think I’m lying? “What the hell are you laughing at? ” “I don’t know. I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I thought everything was cool. I didn’t know.” I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I know what you guys are thinking. You’re like, “whatever. Men, you do the same thing too. Y’all get an attitude with us when we go out.” I’ll tell you something, ladies. We don’t really give a fuck. Let me tell you why. Hey, listen. Listen. We don’t. It’s all an act, okay? If you guys could see how much fun we have when you leave the house and we’re alone— There’s so much fun stuff that happens. You’ll never know about this stuff. It’s just a good time. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. We got to put on that show so you feel like we care. It’s all a show. “Babe, no. Come on, babe. Babe, please. Every night with them. Come on. Spend time with me, your man— And the bitch is gone. Yeah! Yeah! * Oh oh, I’m by myself * * What? Oh, I’m by myself * * What I’m gonna do? What I’m gonna do? * * I’ma beat my dick, I’m gonna beat my dick * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it * * Where the laptop at? Where the laptop at? * * I’ma get it, I’ma get it. *” That’s what we do. That’s what we do. Soon as you leave, there’s so much filth that goes down. If you don’t believe me— If you don’t believe me, ladies, next time you leave the house, come back in five minutes. I bet you catch him doing nasty shit. Bet money. Bet money you catch him. Soon as you leave, come back in. “Hey! Get the— Hey, girl. I thought you said you was going to work. God damn it. You got somebody with you? Is somebody with you? Wait a minute. Let me clean up. Let me blow these candles out. God damn it. I thought you was gonna be gone all day. Set up an evening for myself, you gonna come back all fast. Why didn’t you ring a bell? You don’t ring bells? You just gonna use a key ’cause you live here. You are something else. Something else.” I know what I’m talking about. I know what I’m talking about. Ladies, I’m gonna be honest. I understand you guys. I really do. I understand you guys. Your biggest fear is not being fun. You don’t ever want your man to think that you’re not fun. That’s why you’re always looking for validation. Always. You’re always looking for validation. “Babe, I’m fun, right? Huh? Babe, look. Remember? Right? Remember that time? Remember? Jump shot. Remember, I was like, ‘ahhh, in your face. Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” Michael jordaaan.’ remember? No?” See? That’s why we try to make you feel fun. That’s why we listen to your stories. To be honest, I can’t stand when women tell stories. I hate it. It makes my balls itch. I hate it. I swear. It’s just a bunch of words with no plot, no middle, no ending and it’s always angry. Why are all your stories so angry? Everything about work is mean. How come nothing good ever happens at work? It’s always bad. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. “Babe, let me tell you about this bitch Sabrina at the office today. First of all, she comes in the office with white stockings on and black shoes. Uh, excuse me, bitch, Labor Day is over. Huh? ‘scuse me. Boop. Thank you. Backspace. Delete that. Huh-uh.” They start talking about problems in the office. We don’t fuckin’ know. “Let me tell you what she did, baby. She come to me talking about, ‘can you go print this out the fax machine?’ ‘uh, no. I am an executive administrative assistant, not your assistant.'” we got to act like we know what’s going on. “Whaaaat? “Whaaaat? She told you to print it out the fax machine? Huh-uh. No, she didn’t. That bitch is crazy. Not my baby.” “Thank you.” They all turn into the computers. “Thank you. I told the bitch, ‘boop. Backspace. No. L-o-l. R-t-o-f-m-a-o. Thank you. Delete that. M-t-f-o-m-o-f-o-h-s.” “What did you just say? ” “Get the fuck out of my face. We can’t curse in the office.” “Okay.” I don’t understand you guys. I love you, but I don’t understand you. I love you, but I don’t understand you. But as men, we have to. I’m not gonna lie. We’re not perfect. We are not perfect. I know I’m not perfect. The reason why, ladies? You’ve got a little to do with that. You put men on too high of a pedestal. Whatever pedestal you have us on, take us off. It’s too high. We’re never gonna meet your expectations. Take us off. I’m serious. Once you realize we do dumb shit, we’re dumb sometimes, we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. we’re gonna fuck up— That’s our nature as a man. Once you guys realize that we’ll get along so much better. If you don’t believe me that men do dumb shit and don’t realize it, listen to ’em. Listen to the answers we give you when we do dumb shit. You ever hear how dumb our answers are when we do dumb shit? “So you just gonna sit down there at the pool with all them naked bitches?” “Well, I thought it was cool. I’m waitin’ on you to come down.” This right here is the national dumb n i g g a stance. Whenever your man— Whenever he get bow-legged and touch his face… “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. “I’m waitin’ on everybody else. I’m thinkin’ everybody gonna eat the chips.” “What? What are you talking about, man?” I know I’m not perfect. I know I do dumb shit. I do. I can admit that. I’ve never done crazy stuff. I ain’t never put my hands on my lady. I never went that far. I plunked her one time. I did do that. Right in the forehead. Mm, it was solid. It just jumped out my body. I don’t know where it came from. She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” She was driving, I’m like, “bitch, you think it’s a game?” You would’ve thought I’d hit her in the head with a bat. She went… I was scared. I thought I was going to jail. “Hey, I’m sorry. Get your plunk back. Here. Get it. Plunk me back. Let’s be even. Come on. Plunk me back. I just wanna be even. Please please? Can you please plunk me back?” That’s just me being honest. There are certain things I’m not good at. I’m not a good storm-outter, people. I can admit that. For those who do not know what storming out is, that’s when you leave the house angry. that’s when you leave the house angry. “I’m sick of this! I’m gone!” Slam the door. Boom! The purpose of storming out is to leave the illusion in your lady’s head that you’re never coming back. When you slam the door, she’s supposed to break down. Soon as you slam the door. “I’m gone!” Boom! She breaks down. This is my impression of a woman breaking down. “No. Oh my God, please don’t. No. No, don’t do this to me. No, every time I do this, you do this. No.” I hate when women cry and try to talk. I can’t stand that shit. I can’t stand that shit. “I ain’t wanna do that. I ain’t tryin’ to do nothing.” I look like the first slave to ever walk. “I don’t want to do nothing. I was just trying…” It’s too much. I’m gonna tell you why I’m not a good storm-outter. You know why? I forget stuff. You can’t storm out and forget shit, ’cause you got to go back, get the shit you forgot. You look stupid. Trust me, fellas. I know from experience. You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! You leave angry— “I’m sick of this, man! I’m done! I don’t care! I’m done! Forget you! Forget the house. I’m out!” Boom! “Don’t give a shit, man. My keys. God damn it. My keys on the thing. Babe, let me get my keys on the top of the thing. I left my keys up on the top of the thing. Please.” I need my keys. I need my keys ’cause I got to get in my car. When I get in my car, I get my car on, step on the gas, make the tires burn out. Reason why I do that? Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. Women, you can’t handle it. You break down after a while. “Oh my God, no. He’s gonna kill himself. No no. Don’t do it. Do the speed limit, please. No. Every time…” That’s my impression of women. Had to get out of there. Tell you another reason why I can’t storm out of the house correctly. My son always want to come. Can’t storm out with a kid. It take too long. A storm out’s gotta be fast. In and out. Boom boom, quick. My son be at the door. “Mm mm.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “No! No! Stay with your mother.” “Boy, God damn it, stay with your ma.” This is when women try to use kids as ammunition. “Look at you. You can’t even take your son with you. He want to go with his dad, but you can’t even take your son with you.” Now I can’t be a piece of shit. I’ve got to prove a point. I got to take him. I’ll tell you something, fellas, you look stupid when you try to keep your attitude and get a baby’s shit together. You look dumb. From experience, you look stupid. “I don’t give a shit. I’ll take him. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Get the diaper bag. Put the sippy cup and shit in the bag. Put the change of clothes and shit in the bag.” This is when I knew I looked stupid. When I did this with the diaper bag, “bitch, you think I give a fuck about you— Let me tell you something, you got another thing coming.” When I swung the diaper bag over my shoulder— “You got another goddamn thing coming if you think I give a shit.” It wasn’t good, man. This is me speaking the truth. See, I can talk about relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I’ve been in one for years. I know relationships. I see a lot of couples here together. You guys don’t understand what you’re in. You don’t know how serious it is. I don’t mind seeing couples. I don’t like seeing new couples. I can’t stand new love. I hate it. That’s me being honest. It’s too much. I don’t like over love. You ever see those couples that go too far, that’s too much? You ever see a couple that’s newly in love try to share? You ever witness that? “Hey, babe. Hey. Babe. Hey, love button. Hey, love button. Hey, I got a little bit of juice left. You want some juice? Yeah? You wanna take a sip, I’ll take a sip, you take a sip? You want to do it like that? You wanna go ‘sip sip sip’ like that back and forth? Yeah? Go ahead. Take a sip. Ah. Give it to me. You do it. Same time. Do it. Your nose is in the way. No, your nose is in the way. I love you.” Too much. I fuckin’ hate it. I like older couples. I like older couples. I like couples that’s got time in, man. You know why? I like to see those couples argue. Couples with time in, small problems become big problems. If you’ve got time in, juice can become a problem. Let you go buy some juice and she’s with you while you buy the juice. You go outside, open up the juice, she asks for a sip. Bet money you lose your mind over that sip of juice. Bet money you snap. Soon as you get outside, “babe, let me get a sip.” “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? “Uh, bitch, didn’t you just see me buy the juice when I was inside? So if you wanted some juice, why didn’t you ask for some juice? Now you want a sip of my juice, fuck around, take a double sip, I’m left with a little ass sip ’cause your over-thirsty ass want to take a double sip. No, get your own juice. Walk your fat ass inside, you sippin’-juice bastard. You wasn’t even thinking about juice.” That’ll be on your mind all day. Seven hours later, you’ll bring it back up. “A sip of my goddamn juice. You are something else, you know that? You are something else. You weren’t even thinking about the juice.” I got into an argument over mashed potatoes one time. We almost broke up. I’m very serious. You know what I don’t play? I don’t play that picking off my plate stuff, ladies. Don’t pick off my plate. I’m very serious. I don’t like it. In the beginning, men, we have to do it. The reason why? We’re still trying to impress you. So we go overboard. “Hey, you want a little piece? Yeah? You want me to cut it? Yeah, I’ll cut it. I’ll give you all this. I’ll just leave this little piece for myself. Yeah. No no no. I probably should eat the whole thing ’cause I’m a diabetic, but no, I just want you to be happy. Yeah. You should definitely drive home. I can’t see. It’s a little blurry.” We go overboard. I’m gonna tell you why I got mad. We’re at a restaurant getting ready to eat dinner. Her food comes out before mine. “You want me to wait?” I said, “no, eat your food. Mine’ll be out. Don’t worry about it.” She’s eating. I don’t ask for any of her food. “Enjoy your food, babe.” My food comes out. He says, “enjoy your meal.” I said, “thank you, sir.” I take my napkin, fop, put it on my lap. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. The reason I go fop, it’s big to me ’cause I’m small. It takes up a lot of space. So I bow my head to say my grace. As I’m saying my grace, I hear a metal fork on my plate. “Uh, bitch, you can’t wait till I’m done talking to Jesus before you touch my goddamn plate?” You know how mad that made me? “Take the goddamn food, bitch!” I snapped. I get mad fast. Little shit pisses me off. Takes a lot of patience, man. Whole lot of patience to be in a relationship. I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, I’m understanding that now. I’m understanding that in a relationship, things will change, people. Nothing stays great forever. Sex will change. In the beginning, it’s amazing. You know why? Men, we’re creative. We’re spontaneous. We’ve got a bunch of stuff we want you to do. “Come on, let’s do this. Let’s try this.” We’ve got a whole bunch of stuff. But after a while, fellas, we get repetitive. We start to do the same thing over and over again. Your lady will never tell you this. You got to be a real man. You got to check your ego to figure this out. I’m gonna tell you how you can tell if you’ve been doing the same stuff for years. She ever get into a position before you put her in it? She ever get into a position before you put her in it? Think about it. Just think about it a second. That’s how you can tell. That’s how they mess with you. You’ll be having sex, she’s like… “You want me to turn over, right? I knew it. Same thing since ’88. You ain’t changed.” She start answering questions before you ask ’em. “It’s yours.” “I ain’t say shit.” “You’re about to. You say the same thing every time my ass get up in the air. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You’re about to come. Watch, here it come. You came? I told you. High-five. What’d I tell you? I know my man. Give it to me. Up top.” Your dumb ass get up dancing. “You’re goddamn right. I tore that thing up.” No, you didn’t. No, you didn’t. It’s the same dumbass moves that you’ve been doing. I know I’m not good at sex anymore. I know it. No need for me to lie. We’ve been together too long. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve tried to rekindle this flame, people. I have. I tried to spice it up. Tried having phone sex and stuff, Tried having phone sex and stuff, but it’s hard for me. I’ve got too many people in my house. I got kids, I got a nanny. I got to call at the right time. I call one time, she picked up. I was like, “what you doin’? ” “Nothing. Laying down” I said, “why don’t you lick your finger and touch your nipple?” She said, “what?” I said, “shut up. Just do it.” Out of nowhere, all I heard was, “daddy, you want me to do mine too?” “Hello? Hello? Hello? Is that the baby on the phone? Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” Well, what the hell is the baby doing on the goddamn phone?” When I came home, it’s like, “daddy!” “Hey, no! No! Come here. That’s gay! Come here. Let me tell you something!” I didn’t know what to do. I did not know what to do. It’s a difficult time for me.     I’m gonna tell you something. I’m gonna tell you where all of my sex advice comes from. My grandpop. My grandpop gives me the best advice ever. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. I love my grandpop to death. I wish everybody could meet my grandpop. If you’re lucky enough to have your grandparents in your life, and you wanna laugh— Listen to me. Shouts out to all y’all with grandparents. If you got a grandparent in your life and want to laugh, ask your grandpop— Just see what he say— Say, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” Just to see— Just to see what he says. I promise you it’ll be the funniest shit you ever heard in your life. My grandpop never answered. He just said a bunch of stuff. This is not a joke. I said, “grandpop, when’s the last time you had some ass?” “Hey hey, look at me. “Hey hey, look at me. Okay? Hey hey. Hey. What’d I do? You know what I did. All right? Okay? Let me tell you something. I put that key in that door and locked that motherfucker, didn’t I? Hey. Okay? Hey. Gave her that goddamn ‘wha-whan,’ yes, I did. Yes, I did! Look at my eyes. Roll ’em.” “What? What does any of that mean? What did you just say? What did you say, grandpop?” I’m telling you, man, he’s funny. My grandpa’s one of those old down-south old men. When my grandpa cuss, he pronounce every letter in the cuss word. “Sh-ee-it-tt!” Like he’s serious. He’s serious old, man. Let me tell you. This is what he does every day. All my grandpop do every day— He just stand at the screen door and just complain and shit. He just fuss all day. “Look look look look look look look. “Look look look look look look look. Look look look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Somebody come look at this. Look at this. Goddamn cat drinking milk out the bowl. Get out the bowl! ” This is what makes me laugh. After he yell at somethin’, he stare at it for a long time. “Get out the bowl!” He was asleep. He fell asleep. I wish y’all could see him. Kids be teasin’ him. Kids are mean, man. Why are kids so mean? ’cause they know he can’t get out the screen door. They tease him. They come up to the door. They tease him. They come up to the door. Shit. He gets so mad. Have you ever seen an old person get real pissed off till they start making them noises? “What? What’d he say?” “He’s just angry. He’s an angry old man.” I saw my grandpop fall one time. Funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. Took my grandpop 47 seconds to fall. It took too long. It took way too long. It’s funny, but it’s not funny. I’m gonna show you exactly what I saw. This is how my grandpa fell. This is exactly what I saw. Ahh… I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. I got tired of watching. I just kicked it. “Stop. Let go. Stop it. Stop it. It could have been over. You’ve not even got that far. Stop. It’s too much, grandpop.” Watching people fall is funny. When was the last time you really fell? “Oh oh oh!” One of those. “Oh no no!” Hey, Shaq, when you fall during the games, it’s the funniest shit I’ve ever seen in my life. Hey, you ever see his legs after he fall? Next time, look. I’m telling you, y’all. Next time you watch a game and he fall, this exactly what he do. Look, it’s always something stupid. He go up to get a rebound, he don’t get it. “Oh. No.” LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. LeBron. This is LeBron. Look at him. “God damn it, Shaq. Get your ass— Shit, man. Get up.” “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.” Okay, one more, one more. Shaq, this is how you fall frontwards. “Hey, no. Oh God, please.” Holy shit! Holy shit! Oh, y’all got to look at the coach’s face. Y’all don’t watch the right shit, man. This is Shaq falling and this is the coach. “Somebody help his ass up. LeBron, get him up!” “No no no. I pushed him too hard.” I told you I was gonna fuck with you. I’m gonna tell y’all, the fucked-up part about that joke? I fucked my knee up just now. That shit hurt. That shit hurt so goddamn bad. I tried to run it off. That shit locked up on me, didn’t it? That age is coming out. That shit hurt like hell. Talking about people falling. Talking about people falling. Tell you who else is funny to watch fall. Women, you don’t fall, you buckle. I like watching you guys buckle— That heel. Fop fop. I like that. That heel get hold of y’all. Fop fop real quick. Oh, that’s the funniest shit ever to me. Y’all don’t know how to play it off. Y’all don’t know— They don’t know what to do so they try to stay regular. It’s always on a cute night. “No, girl. They talkin’ ’bout— Tonight— No no, bitch. Please, get the— Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. No, it’s slushy. Get the heel. Get the heel back there, please.” Or y’all do— Or y’all do that shit— Or y’all do that shit where y’all miss a step. You ever see a girl miss a step? She don’t fall down the steps. Y’all ride ’em. “N-n-no.” Y’all do that right there? “N-n-no no no. N-n-no.” You ever notice there’s always a pervert guy to catch you? “N-n-no.” “I got you. God damn. I got you. Oh, damn it. God damn. You almost fell, didn’t you? You almost fell, didn’t you? I got you. No, I got you by your titties. That’s what I caught you by— Your titties. Jesus. I’ve never seen anybody fall like that. That was good. I caught her right there. Did you see how I caught her? Her titty was in my hand.” I’m joking around and making fun of people falling, old people and stuff, but I can do that. Know why? I have old people in my life that I’m close to. My road manager and I are very close. He’s older. He’s old. We fight a lot though. It’s kind of like a relationship. Been around me for years. He was with me before money even came into the picture. He’s the one scrambling up for me. When you’re around somebody for so long, naturally you start to butt heads. Little shit annoy you. I don’t like the way he sneezes. I don’t like it. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. I swear to God, when he sneeze, it’s a close call. You think he’s about to die. This is how he sneeze. I’m not bullshitting. It’s the scariest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. I’ve never seen nobody catch their breath from a sneeze. He’s old though, man. He does so much shit that pisses me off. I don’t like it when people are slow. He’s very slow. When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? When you get in the car, how long does it take you to pull off? A couple seconds, right? Okay. It took him 25 minutes to pull off the other day. I’m dead serious. I can’t— I can’t tell you. I got to show you. But don’t make me laugh, okay? I’m gonna show you exactly what he did. Okay. I’m in the car. I’m in the passenger seat. I got my seatbelt on. I’m ready for him. All he’s got to do is get in, pull off. I’m gonna show you. Don’t make me laugh though. “All right. Let’s go. Okay. Oh. Oh no. Okay. Hey hey. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey, Kevin. Hey. Hey hey, Kevin. Look where they at.” Now I don’t wanna laugh ’cause I wanna see what he’s gonna say about taking so long. This is exactly what he did. I’m not bullshitting. “Oh God. All right. All right, let’s go. All right. Got it. All right, got it. Got it. Got it. You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” You ready? You ready to get on out of here?” “What the f— Yes. I’m waiting on you. Come on.” This is the shit that pissed me off. He’s all, “let’s go. Gotcha gotcha gotcha.” What the fuck is this? “Why are you shooting at me? ” That shit made me so mad. Like “what the fuck? Don’t put your hands in my face. You’re being an asshole. Just drive, man. Don’t say shit to me. Just drive the car.” That is the only time I’ve ever cussed at Nate. He’d never got mad to the point where he’d cuss back. This is the first time he ever cussed back at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. I could tell how old he was by the way he cussed at me. “Let me tell you something, sucka. Hey! Listen, Jack, you ain’t nothing but a piece of cheese without the corners. In other words, you ain’t never gonna be a slice, bitch.” “What did you just say to me?” “You heard what the fuck I said.” Here’s the thing— I give Nate a lot of shit. I tease Nate a lot, okay? But at the end of the day, he’s got my back. I know he does. Nate’d take a bullet for me if he had to. How do I know this? It’s been confirmed. All right? We was in Dallas, Texas— We was in Dallas, Texas— Me, Nate, my boy Harry, Wayne, spank— My lady was with me. We having a good time. We do a show, we’re at the after party. We gettin’ it in. * Mmm mmm * * Get money, mmm mmm * * Get money. * We gettin’ it in, right? I look up, the owner of the club, he got my lady by the arm, her girlfriend by the other arm, he’s throwing them out. I saw it happen, but I acted like I didn’t ’cause I didn’t want to be a part of it. I didn’t want to be involved. My boy Wayne was like, “yo, he got your girl by the arm.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” “What? Chill. Don’t nobody do shit. I got it.” I run up to him. I say, “don’t put your hands on my lady, man.” I pushed him. He didn’t go back that far, but it was a good push for me. It was all I had. When I did it, he was like, “security!” Security came up, grabbed me, put me in a full-Nelson. Now you know how you think you making somebody struggle? You think you give ’em a hard way to go? I thought I was, but I wasn’t. I was just moving my face. I was like… So now in my mind, I’m like, “where is Wayne at?” That’s my security guard. That’s who I pay for shit like this not to happen. On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, On cue, Wayne and my boy spank come running up, they grab the security guards. They’re like, “get off him. Let him go.” Now I hear ’em. I’m still in a full-Nelson, but I hear my friends so I feel better. I know I’m safe now. But before they let me go, the owner mushes me! He puts his hand on my face. “I said get the fuck outta here.” Mushed me. I never had nobody put their hand on my face. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to get it off. I panicked. I panicked. I licked his palm. I licked the shit out of his palm. “Get your hands… Off my face.” He was like… He was like… Then they let me go. Now I’m free, but I’m not leaving ’cause I don’t want him to think I’m a bitch. So I run back up to him. “Yo, man, don’t put your hands on my face. You don’t know me like that.” As I’m talking to him, I’m like, “oh shit, he’s in a fighting stance. Kev, he about to hit you. Protect yourself. Better yet, hit him first.” I throw a punch. Punched him right in the face. Bow! Never hit nobody in the face before. I was excited. I celebrated. I was like, “yeah, bitch. You don’t want it. Real n i g g a s. All day. D-block. All day. By myself. Gun on my waist. By myself. Gun on my waist. Smile on my face. In jail. One bed. One blanket. You wanna go night night, n i g g a? You wanna go night night, n i g g a?” So now he tries to tackle me. As I’m in my speech, he tackles me. Why would you tackle me? I’m small. I got a low center of gravity. I get him off me. I start uppercutting him. Mmm mmm mmm. Whipping his ass. He realizes that he’s losing. He tries to call his security guard back. “Thomas, Thomas, come help.” I look over. Wayne, my security guard— Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. Wayne got a real big stomach. Wayne had Thomas on the wall. When I looked over, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAW: Wayne was like, “what you doin’? Where you goin’? No, what you doin’? Where you gonna go? What you doin’?” It didn’t look good. I didn’t know if he was helping me or helping his self. I never brought it back up. I didn’t want to know. So now reality has kicked in. “Oh shit, I’m in Dallas, Texas. If I get arrested out here, I’m not getting out of jail till, like, Tuesday.” I’m like, “yo, let’s go. Get the car. Nate, get the car! Let’s go!” This is how I knew Nate was O.G. This is how I knew Nate was O.G. Nate got the car, pulled the car up on the curb, blocked the whole curb off, right? I’ve never seen Nate this hype in my life. He was hype as shit. He’s like, “hey! Get Kev in the car! Hurry up, man! Hurry up before the cops come. Somebody grab his head, push his head down so they don’t see him.” When he said that, I was like, “oh shit. Nate used to be a killer. How else would he know what to do in a situation like this? I don’t even know who he is anymore.” Then he snaps on me. “I can’t believe you, Kevin. You got a career! You doin’ television, you doin’ movies. You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? You gonna jeopardize that shit for a street fight? That’s stupid! Let’s go! Hurry up, man! Hurry up ‘fore the cops come. We don’t have time. Y’all wanna do what y’all wanna do. We got to get the hell out of here. We don’t have this type of time.” We never pulled off. We got locked up on the spot. Cleveland, I love y’all. My name’s Kev Hart. Thank you."
1686241579-71,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Neal Brennan: Women And Black Dudes (2014) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/neal-brennan-women-and-black-dudes-transcript/,"[Hip-hop music plays] [cheers and applause] man: * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] Brennan: what’s up, y’all? Hi. How are you? [cheers and applause] Good. Um, hey, thanks for having me, first of all. Thank you, New Orleans. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] So, hey, have you guys had that thing happen to you yet where you realize you’re too dependent on technology? Yeah, it happened to me. My buddy was visiting from out of town, and he called me up. He was like, “dude, I need directions to your house.” I was like, “all right, cool. You got a pen?” And he goes, “yeah,” and I go, “write this down. “here’s the directions. You’re gonna go to google.com.” [laughter] “You’re gonna type in my address.” [laughter] “Do whatever they say.” [laughter] He was like, “I’m not near a computer right now,” and I was like, “all right, do you have GPS on your phone?” He goes, “no, I have, like, an old flip phone.” Like, “well, then I don’t think you can come to my house.” [laughter] I have cable and running water. It’s gonna freak you out. [laughter] I was just in Seattle a couple weeks ago. Washington state now… [crowd cheers] yeah… Washington state said, “you know, weed legal.” [cheers and applause] “Weed legal, texting and driving against the law.” [laughter] So, basically, a cop could pull you over, walk up to the car, see you rolling a joint on your lap, and be like, “oh, I’m sorry, sir, “I thought you were texting and driving. Have a great day.” [laughter and applause] So, I live in California, and California, the law is that we can’t talk on the phone and drive. We can’t text and drive. To talk on the phone and drive, we got to have the hands-free device. But my hands-free device broke recently, like a year and a half ago. [laughter] So, we all have same plan pretty much for not getting pulled over… Here’s what we do. We’ll be driving along, talking to our friend, look over, see a cop. [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughter continues] Then you got to yell to your friend like, “yo, there’s a cop next to me.” Just hang out for a second, all right?” [laughter] Same plan? Yeah. Never catch us, these bitch-ass cops. [laughs] Texting and driving… Also illegal. That, I got to say, I agree with, though, ’cause texting and driving is some mind-bending shit, isn’t it? You’ll be driving along and be like, “you know what?” let me just click on…” [laughter] “text my friend here.” You look up, and you’re like, “wow. Was I driving that whole time?” [laughter] “That shit was dangerous. Fuck.” [laughter] “‘Cause when I looked down, I was on the highway. And now I’m in my garage.” [laughter] “Well, at least it was an important text.” [laughter] “No, you’re retarded.” [laughter] [laughs] Not supposed to say “retarded.” but I think we all have a word that we’re like, “no, I’m gonna keep saying that one.” [laughter] I got a couple. Um, you know why we all have a word? You know why we keep saying “retarded,” even though we shouldn’t, is ’cause, uh, ’cause we’re dicks. [laughter] You know how you know human beings are dicks is by who we hold up as great ’cause they’re not even really that great. Like, Mother Teresa’s famous ’cause she gave away free soup. But we’re such dicks, we heard that and like, “wait a minute. “She gave away free soup? “she didn’t charge for croutons or nothing? This woman’s a frickin’ saint.” Martin Luther King’s famous ’cause he said, “hey, despite the differences in the color of our skin, let’s all be good to each other.” Again, we’re such dicks, we heard this, we’re like, “racial tolerance?” “who thinks of this shit? “You’re getting your own holiday, Martin Luther King. “Yeah, your birthday, I don’t go to work. That’s how much you mean to me.” [laughter] Jesus is famous ’cause he said, “treat other people the way you want them to treat you.” We heard this, we’re like, “this Jesus is on some next-level shit.” [laughter] “We’re gonna worship you, Jesus, and your dad. This doesn’t end tonight, believe me.” [laughter] “Necklaces with you on it, t-shirts.” ‘You’re my homeboy.’ “We’re gonna worship your mom but not your stepdad, ’cause fuck him for some reason.” [laughter and applause] Joseph got a raw deal, huh? More on that in a second. [laughter] You know, Jesus… Like, we’re crazy into Jesus. Like, if aliens came down to earth, they’ll be like, “who is this guy with the beard” you guys are so into?” “Oh, his name is Jesus. From Nazareth.” [laughter] “Really? What did he do that was so great?” “What he did that was so great was, he told us to be nice to each other.” [laughter] “This was recently?” [laughter] “No, actually, this was a couple thousand years ago, as a matter of fact.” “And no one else has said that since?” “Uh, no, one other guy… Black dude with a mustache. Martin Luther King… He said it, too.” “All right, so, let me get this straight.” You guys are such dicks that in 2,000 years, “only two of you went around saying, ‘hey, everyone, let’s be nice’?” “Yeah, but I don’t think that makes us dicks.” “All right, well, what’d you do to those two?” “All right, we’re dicks.” [laughter] [applause] So, yeah, so, back to Joseph. [laughter] Worst part of the Bible! Worst part of the Bible. He goes out of town, comes back, Mary’s like, “I’m pregnant.” And he’s like, “we haven’t had sex in six months.” “No, it was a ghost.” “Oh, that’s gonna be easier for me to deal with emotionally. All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got to say, I’m way too passive-aggressive, ’cause if I were Joseph and Mary was like, “hey, would you mind changing Jesus’ diaper?” I’d be like, “no, but maybe the ghost will. “Any word from the ghost? “Anything about chipping in a jerusa-dollars “for Jesus’ preschool? Nothing?” [laughter] “I got to get a bartending job ’cause of the ghost? All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I’m all gacked out on… On Jesus. [chuckles] Now, I went to catholic school 12 years. So, catholic school… All right, first of all, catholic school 12 years, people’s first question when they hear that is, “hey, Neal, did you get molested?” it’s the sign of a classy organization, isn’t it? And to answer the question, no, I didn’t get molested. I fucked a few priests. [laughter] But I didn’t get… I didn’t get molested. I ain’t no bitch, you understand? 8-year-old me fucking a priest. “Forgive me, father. You know why. “[laughs]” wshoo! [laughter] [cheers and applause] Catholic school is like prison. You got to strike first. [laughter] [laughs] see, growing up catholic, it, you know, it makes people crazy. Like christian politicians are nuts to me, like where we can’t have any contraception anywhere in the school. They’ll be like, “we can’t have condoms in the schools”, “’cause if we have condoms in the schools, kids will automatically have sex with each other.” Which makes about as much sense as kids being like, “hey, I got some band-aids. We should cut each other.” Makes no sense. [laughter] and then there’s all this stuff in the bible that you kind of take at face value, growing up. And then you get a little distance from it, and you’re kind of like, “wait. What?” like, “this is a letter from Paul to the Philippians.” like, “all right.” when you give it a little distance, you go, “who writes letters to entire groups of people?” [laughter] “this is a letter from Larry to the Puerto Ricans.” [laughter] “dear Puerto Ricans, would you mind keeping the music down?” [laughter] “Sincerely, big Lar.” [laughs] [laughter] So, 12 years of catholic school, then I moved to New York, started hanging out with black dudes. [laughter] Bang. Bang. Bang. [laughter and applause] I don’t know them. They just are here. [laughter] [sniffles] You barely qualified, you’re so light-skinned, by the way. [laughter and applause] [laughs] yeah, so, I got a lot of black friends. I have like over, uh… Over 20. Now it’s like almost 30. Um… No, I got a lot of black friends. Here’s the thing about my black friends. My black friends can relax in a way that my white friends can’t. White people, we’re not very good at relaxing. You know why? I figured it out, ’cause we’re always worrying about the rules. And who’s breaking the rules. The other thing about being white… You got to admit it… We got tattletale in our DNA. [laughter] we got snitch in our blood, white people. I’ll be at a nightclub with my black friends. It’ll be packed. Everybody’s drinking, dancing, laughing, having a great time, and I’m trying to fit in like, “there must be 350 people in here right now.” I wonder what the fire marshal would have to say about that?” [laughter] [laughter continues] white people love the rules so much that we will go on police ride-alongs… For fun. [laughter] do you have any idea how white that is? You ever try to explain that to black people, like, “yeah, I call the precinct. “I say, ‘hey, this is Neal. “I’m white, and I’d like to go for a ride-along.’ “they send over a squad car. “I get in the back seat, which is fun for me ’cause what other opportunity would I have to do that?” [laughs evilly] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughs evilly] [laughter] [laughs evilly] White people… We love the rules. And we should, white people. We made ’em. [laughter and applause] we made ’em. Native Americans had their rules. We’re like, “no, thank you. Brought our own.” some rules are really obvious white people made. You know what the most obvious white rule of all time is? “no loitering.” [laughter and applause] [scoffs] you know what black people call loitering? “chillin’.” that’s correct. [laughter] but white people tried it, they were like, “all right”, “let’s see about this chillin’ here. “try this out. No, we’ve got to outlaw that. I don’t like that one bit.” [laughter] “it’s far too relaxing. We’re not making a profit. We’re not invading anything. I don’t like it.” [laughter] but there’s a price to pay, white people, for loving the rules as much as we do. We can’t sleep. Never… I’ve never met a black insomniac in my entire life. [laughter] meanwhile, every white person I know has sleep issues. You know why? ‘Cause we’re up tossing and turning every night, thinking about who broke the rules that day. [laughter] “he doesn’t think I saw him, but, oh, yeah, I saw you, Chet. “And guess what? “tomorrow, I’m telling. “You know when I’m telling? “White people’s favorite time of day… First thing in the morning.” [laughter] [applause] Can’t sleep, white people. We need body pillows to get to sleep, need the mattress with the red wine balanced on top of it. [laughter] humidifier, dehumidifier… [laughter] an ionizer from the sharper image, a white- noise machine from the skymall, sleep masks, breathe easy nose strips, ambien, tylenol p.m. You want to know what it takes my black friends to fall asleep? A bite of a sandwich and a moment of silence. [laughter] [applause] They’re out. My white friends, asleep, it looks like they’re on life support, they have so much shit in their room. [laughter] My black friends, it looks like they fell asleep midconversation. [laughter] Here’s the other thing about my black friends. They’re all in better shape than me. All of them… The old ones, the babies… They’re all in better shape than me. [laughter] I have a ton of black baby friends. I’m not gonna apologize for that. No, they’re all in better shape. I’m white, I’m vegan, I work out twice a week, and I basically have the body of a black dude who just got out of a coma, pretty much. [laughter] Like, I was thinking it’s a good thing Superman landed in Smallville and not, like, Detroit. [laughter] ’cause if Superman landed in Detroit, he would have been, like, the fourth fastest dude on his football team. [laughter] “You’re fast, Clark, but you’re no Jevaris Morrison.” [laughter] [laughs] Yeah, I’m vegan. Please, please hold your applause. No, I got… I, you know, I live in L.A. So it’s easy to be vegan. You need big cities. New York, L.A., it’s easy, but the rest of the country, you might as well walk up to people and be like, “hey, where do faggots eat?” [laughter] I wish I had more on that joke. That’s the whole joke. [laughter] [laughs] But that’s what’s great about stand-up. It’s like, I say “faggot,” you know I’m the faggot in that joke. It’s fine. That’s… Offstage, that’s… We can say stuff. Like, offstage especially, like, me and my black comic friends will have the best conversations where they’ll say funny stuff about white people and I’ll say funny stuff about black people, and it’s cool. But they’ll be like, “Neal”, “you know white people are sick in the head, right? “that’s why y’all be killing motherfuckers “and freezing them and eating them months later. “So you people are deranged, brother. “That’s why you never see any black serial killers, “is ’cause black people aren’t sick in the head like white people are.” I’m like, “no, dude”, “the reason I’ve never seen a black serial killer “is ’cause you guys kill one person and are immediately arrested.” [laughter] “Maybe if you didn’t write a song about it that afternoon.” [laughter] “How’d you catch me?” “Hot 97.” “All right, fair enough.” [laughter] I got a lot of Mexican friends. Here’s the thing. I live in the southwest. People want to deport Mexicans. Why would you want to deport the hardest-working people on the planet? Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. Mexicans… [cheers and applause] Mexicans, please, conserve your energy. We need you for work tomorrow. [laughter] Two more jokes, and it’s vámonos, okay? [laughter] White people are gonna need you tomorrow. You know what time? First thing in the morning. That’s correct. [laughs] [laughter and applause] [chuckles] People want to deport Mexicans. Mexicans are the hardest-working people on the planet. You know why I say “the planet”? Look at Europe. You know why everything’s so old in Europe? ‘Cause they don’t have any Mexicans there to build them new shit? [laughter] Mexicans would have a new Colosseum up in three days, for real. Two days if we paid them cash. [laughter] Still not convinced? All right. Mexicans will stand around… All day in a parking lot… Just in case some work breaks out. [laughter] Do you understand that? They’re like hookers for construction jobs. [laughter and applause] You won’t see any other race of people doing that. Whenever I see a bunch of Mexicans standing in line in a parking lot, I think home depot. Whenever I see a bunch of white people standing in line in a parking lot, I think “Harry Potter” premiere. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] I got a lot of Asian friends, as well. I got in trouble with my Asian friends and people on twitter, ’cause last… When Jeremy Lin first started playing well… The kid plays for the rockets… He used to play for the Knicks… “linsanity”… First Asian-american basketball player to do really well… And everybody was calling him “linsanity,” “Cinderella story,” “the underdog”… So, finally, I went on twitter, and I said, “you guys”, I’m afraid if you keep calling Jeremy Lin an underdog, “his family will eat him.” [laughter] I thought I beat them fair and square, but I lost a lot of followers that day. That’s all I’m gonna say. [laughter] I’m stupid about this race stuff, ’cause I used to always ask people if they were mixed… If they were half white and half Asian… I would always ask them which parent was what race. But I realized it’s a stupid question. You know why? If someone’s mixed… If someone’s half white and half Asian… The dad was never Asian. [laughter] [applause] Ever. White girls are just not into Asian dudes. Like, I’ve never been to the club and been like, “fuck, the Asian guys are here.” [laughter and applause] White dudes, though, we’re, like, Asian-girl-crazy. We got all these dumb-ass old stereotypes about them, too, like, “she’s gonna make me soup.” What? [laughter] “She’s gonna walk on my back.” What are you talking about? [laughter] Like, when I see Lucy Liu, I’m like, “God, I got to have her.” When the average white girl sees Jackie Chan, she’s like, “huh.” [laughter] “I wonder what Chris Tucker has been up to recently.” [laughter] [chuckles] So, yeah, I think about race all the time. Solutions… Eh, I don’t know. People try to come… White people especially have terrible solutions for it. Like, they don’t even know what the… Like, there was a story on “60 minutes” last year about “Huckleberry Finn,” the book… Mark Twain book, “Huckleberry Finn.” all right, “Huckleberry Finn”… I didn’t even remember this… “Huckleberry Finn” has a bunch of “n” words in it. It’s got 219 “n” words in it… Yeah… Which to me is six too many. [laughter] There’s a line. You know what I mean? All right, so, now, the story was about white people’s big plan is, they want to get rid of all the “n” words in “Huckleberry Finn.” It was just some typical white-people shit for you. Like, that’s white people’s grand solution for helping black people. Like, some white statistician’s like, “you know, fellas”, “I’ve been looking at the numbers. “black people have shorter life-spans, can’t get loans, “and don’t have access to fair education. “But I think I have the solution. “We’re gonna get rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.’ It’s gonna change everything forever.” Like, some black kids dropping out of school will be like, “fuck school.” I’m gonna sell drugs for the rest of my life,” and they’ll be like, “hey, Donnell, we got rid of the ‘n’ words in ‘Huckleberry Finn.'” “You did what, now? All right.” [laughter] All right, this is where I over-think it, this racial stuff. ‘Cause you know who I feel bad for now? I feel bad for Mark Twain aficionados. ‘Cause think about it. Now when they go to get the original “Huckleberry Finn,” they’re gonna seem like complete racists. [laughter] they’re gonna have to go into bookstores like, “hi.” [laughter] “hey, kind of a crazy question, but, uh…” [laughter] “do you guys happen to carry ‘Huckleberry Finn’ with the ‘n i g g e r s’?” [laughter] [applause] [laughter continues] And the redneck behind the counter is gonna be like, “sure do, brother. “Comes with a free confederate-flag bookmark. That’s for you.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Relax, you babies. That joke’s entirely fictional. A redneck will never work at a bookstore. [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] Redneck at a bookstore would be like, “Pride and Prejudice is the name of my truck.” [laughter] [chuckles] That is a very good joke. That’s my smartest joke. [laughter and applause] [chuckles] So, now, all right, so, I said the “n” word. We’re all still here. Like I said, I got a lot of black friends, and, white people, I have actual black friends. And I know a lot of white people, like, think you have black friends, but you’re not really friends with somebody unless you can yell at them and they can yell at you back. A lot of white people have two standards for your white friends or your black friends. If one of your white friends screws up, you’ll get legitimately pissed and be like, “dude, what the fuck?” but if one of your black friends screws up, you immediately go into human-resources mode, like, “Malik…” Malik, your behavior has made me very uncomfortable.” [laughter] “I think, going forward, we need to be more cognizant.” [laughter] “I’ve drawn up a powerpoint.” boop. [laughter] plus, I’m a hip-hop kid, so I’ve been messing with the “n” word since n.w.a. That was a big one, yeah. Yeah. [cheers and applause] n.w.a. If you don’t remember them, they were a rap group. They were… They were “straight outta compton.” [laughter] [laughs] it was… It was easy-e, ice cube, dr. Dre, a couple other dudes. All right, so, eazy-e died of aids… Hilarious. Um… [laughter] [laughs] Dr. Dre doesn’t make music anymore. He just makes headphones, and, um… [laughter] ice cube just makes these shitty-ass family movies. I actually had a movie idea for ice cube where ice cube from 1989 travels forward in time and beats the fuck out of ice cube today. [laughter] he didn’t want to do it. All right, so, if you don’t know what n.w.a. Stood for, it stood for “n i g g a z with attitude.” now, the way I always felt about it, once they had the “n,” they kind of didn’t need the w.a. [laughter] the “n” did most of the heavy lifting for them. No one was ever like, “sir, there’s some n i g g a z here to see you.” “do they have attitude?” [laughter] “I’m afraid they do, sir.” “shit!” [laughter]     Also, I get called the “n” word every day. Thanks, fellas. No, I get called the “n” word… No, I get called the “n” word every day… Text, phone, person, constantly. My black friends constantly call me the “n” word. It’s so bad and it’s been going on for so long that I call myself the “n” word when no one’s around. I’ll be in my car around lunchtime. And I’ll be like, “n i g g a, you need to eat. Who are you talking to?” [laughter and applause] [laughs] I remember when my black friends first started calling me the “n” word. Let’s face it. It was pretty exciting. [laughter] but it was always confusing ’cause they were doing it to make me feel like a part of the group, but it actually had the opposite effect ’cause I couldn’t say it back to them. So it just made me feel that much whiter, you know? I’d walk up to the group, and they’d be like, “what’s up, n i g g a?” and I’d be like… [laughter] “hello!” [laughter and applause] [whimpers] [laughter] So, then… So, then, finally one day, I just asked them like, “hey, fellas”, can I start saying it back?” so they had a meeting. [laughter] and I got approved. Yeah. [cheers and applause] [chuckling] thank you very much. They said I’m one of six white people that’s ever been approved, three of whom… Beastie boys. All right. So, now I could say it, but I forgot I could only say it around brothers I was friends with, ’cause a couple weeks later, walking down the street. I listening to my ipod. Something called the Craig Mack “flava in ya ear” remix comes on. All right, a lot of people know. For the rest of you, biggie is on the song… Notorious b.I.g. [cheers and applause] Puffy’s friend. [laughter] biggie’s first line is, “n i g g a s is mad. I get more butt than ashtrays,” which is a wonderful double entendre. [laughter and applause] biggie really spoke to me. So, I’m walking down the street, not paying attention, like, “n i g g a s is mad.” I get more butt than ashtrays.” and I look up, and this brother’s glaring at me. He goes, “yo, motherfucker”, who the fuck said to say ‘n i g g a, ‘ white boy?” I was like, “um…” [laughter] “do you know Jamal?” [laughter] [applause] and he was like, “oh, you must be Neal. “I heard a lot about you, n i g g a. Heard you got approved. Give me some love.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers and applause] and then he stole my ipod. Look… [laughter] he had every right. You know I had all the music backed up, ’cause that’s what white people do. To the cloud, white people, to the cloud. [laughter] [laughs] All right, so, race, religion. Let’s go politics. I’m an Obama dude, if you can believe it. Um… [cheers and applause] you know what’s amazing about Obama is people don’t even realize it. Like, being the first black president isn’t even, like, the biggest thing he’s done. You know how he met Michelle? Michelle was a lawyer, and he was her intern. Is not the most pimped-out shit you’ve ever heard in your life? So, she was like, “go make some coffee.” he was like, “yeah, and then, after that, you’re gonna give me some pussy?” “what?” [laughter] I like Barack. I got to meet him. That’s part of the reason I like him. I met him last… No, I mean, when you meet somebody, you’re like, “he’s my friend.” no, I can call him whenever. I met him for 30 seconds.” I met him last year at the white house correspondents’ dinner. My buddy Seth Meyers hosted it, and I wrote a bunch of jokes with him, and… And we got… I got to go, and the day before, I got, like, a tour of the white house… Like, a good tour. Like, I met the dog. [laughter] totally cool dog, by the way. Hasn’t gone to his head at all. Just a real regular dog. [laughter] and then we go through the white house. Then, we go to the oval office. In the oval office, across from the Clinton blow-job desk, it was, like, literally, like the first thing you think is, like, “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.” they’re like, “you want to touch it?” I’m like, “no thank you.” there’s… There was a coffee table. On the coffee table, there’s a bowl of apples. Seth’s mom is on the tour, as well, and she goes, “hey, are those apples real?” and the woman giving us the tour was like, “yeah, would one of you like one?” I’m like, “yeah, I’m a fucking taxpayer.” [laughs]” [laughter] So, uh, so, I’m eating an apple in the white house, in the oval office. On the wall, Obama has the original copy of the emancipation proclamation, yeah, which I’m pretty sure is just there in case the tea party’s like, “we don’t think you’re free.” “all right, look at the wall.” [laughs] that’s all they have left. This is literally all they have left. So, then, the next day, we go to the correspondents’ dinner itself, and… And beforehand, there’s, like, a little reception, like a small room, like 100 people, probably. We’re all in tuxedos. At a certain point, they let the president and first lady in, and they put them behind red-velvet ropes. We’re supposed to go up, introduce ourselves, say who we are, get our picture taken. All right, so, I’d heard Michelle was a “Chappelle’s Show” fan, so I was like, “all right, you know what? Let me exploit that shit, for once.” kidding… I… I exploit it every day. [laughs evilly] um… So, it’s my turn, and president Obama’s here. First lady Obama’s there, and… And I walk up to the president. I go, “hey, man,” which I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to call him. [laughter] but it was better than like, [coolly] “hey, man.” um… “is this your girl? What up, ma?” um… [laughter] [normal voice] so, so, so, I go up, and I go… I go, “hey, man, my name’s Neal Brennan, and I created ‘Chappelle’s Show’ with Dave Chappelle.” and he goes [as Obama] “oh, man, we love that show. “in fact, that’s got to be considered one of the greatest shows of all time,” [normal voice] which I got to say… [laughter and applause] I got to say, felt pretty good. Like, if he’d wanted a hand job, I would’ve given it to him. [laughter] so, he goes, [as Obama] “Michelle, this guy created ‘Chappelle’s show’ with Dave Chappelle,” [normal voice] so Michelle comes over. And goes, “we were so upset when it went off the air,” and I go, “how do you think I felt?” [laughter] so, uh… [laughter] so, now we’re getting our picture taken, and that day, Obama had gone to Alabama to look at tornado damage, then he went to Cape Canaveral for some NASA stuff, then he goes to Miami, gives a commencement address at a college, then he’s gonna come back to d.c., take pictures with weirdos for an hour. Then he’s got to do stand-up… Big day. Kills bin laden the next day. Did more in 36 hours than George Bush did in his whole life. All right, so… [laughter, cheers and applause] Yeah. Yeah. All right, so… So, now we’re getting our picture taken. And there’s people lined up to meet him like he’s Santa Claus or something. It’s like Rupert Murdoch and Sean Penn… Like, literally, wanting to meet him like he’s Santa Claus. Like, “what do you want for Christmas, little boy?” “tax cuts.” “all right.” [laughter] so, this is how smooth Obama is. We’re getting our picture taken, and I say to him… I go… I go, “god, man, this is all so weird.” I go, “do you ever get used to this?” and he goes, “nope.” and then I swear to god, he goes, “but, you know”, I can’t just up and retire like Dave Chappelle did.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And I was like, “motherfucker, what did you say?” [laughter] and he’s like, “you heard me. Chicago, bitch.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] secret service was like, “let them fight, let them fight. I got $50 on the white boy.” [laughter] it was awesome. Smooth dude. Which brings me to Mitt Romney. Doesn’t he feel like a weird-ass, like, ’80s movie-dad dream we all had of him? [laughter] thing about Romney… Super rich dude. That’s the thing. Everybody wants to be super rich, but here’s what you don’t think about. If you ever get super rich and then you have kids, there’s like a 98% chance that your kids are gonna be dickheads. [laughter] and then you start to get older and dying, and then they’re grown up, wearing yachting outfits, just waiting for you to croak so they can spend your money on cocaine and boats and shit. If I ever get super rich and if I have kids, like, if they’re nice, I’ll leave them money in my will, but if they’re dickheads, I got a whole nother plan. Hear me out. All right. Here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna gather my kids around my deathbed. I’m gonna be like, “look, kids”, “I’m gonna pay for my own funeral. “whatever’s left over, you kids can split up amongst yourselves.” and then I’m gonna have the most expensive funeral… in the history of death. [laughter] I’m gonna have, like, a platinum casket, my name written in diamonds on the side. My social security number beneath it, too, ’cause, fuck it, I’m dead now. What are they gonna do with it? Open casket. I’m gonna buy all kinds of movie props and demand to be buried in them. I’m wearing Humphrey Bogart’s hat from “Casablanca”… [laughter] Darth Vader’s cape. I got Indiana Jones’ whip in my right hand… [laughter] Jimi Hendrix’s guitar from Woodstock in my left. I’m wearing Rocky’s boxing trunks. I got Dorothy’s ruby-red slippers on from The Wizard of Oz. [laughter] my kids are gonna be like, “we’re out $15 million on the casket alone.” yeah, that’s just the beginning. Then they’re gonna hear, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jay-Z, Kanye West.” [rapping indistinctly] those guys come out. They do the full “watch the throne” show… Pyro, monitors, standing ovation, then, Jay-Z’s like, “Neal couldn’t decide.” who should say his funeral mass, “then, he realized it could only be one person. “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the pope. Here comes the pope.” I don’t know what the pope would say, but based on his outfit, it should probably be something like, “boo-oo-oo-oo!” [laughter] then the… Then the pope’s like, “Neal always loved comedy.” “please welcome the cast of ‘Seinfeld’ reunion. Here they come.” Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, George. Kramer steps up. He’s like, “are Jay-Z and Kanye still here, by any chance?” [laughter and groans] “look… “look, fellas, I just wanted to apologize “for that night at the laugh factory. “as a show of reconciliation, I’d like to donate $10 million to the united negro college fund.” and then a hologram of me appears, and I go, “and, Kramer, I will match that donation.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] and my kids get like 80 bucks each. [laughter] everyone else there is like, “that’s the best fucking funeral I’ve ever been to in my life.” [laughter] hey, you know what I’m sick of? I’m sick of everybody telling me what tv shows I got to watch. It’s, like, all people talk about. “I like ‘game of thrones, ‘ bro.” “hey, ‘mad men.'” “uh, ‘breaking bad.'” “uh…” [laughter] “uh…” my buddy wanted me to watch Battlestar Galactica for years, he bugged me. I avoided it. People still into it. I avoided it. Now it’s on Netflix. My buddy Kev’s bugging me, so, finally, I broke down and watched one episode of Battlestar Galactica. and it turns out, you guys, I don’t give a fuck about space problems. [laughter] I personally like shows like “hoarders” and “teen mom”… Shows that make me feel… [cheers and applause] yeah. Shows that make me feel good about me. I watch an episode of “teen mom,” and I’m like, “you know what, Neal? You’ve made a lot of really good decisions, yeah.” [laughter] so, I say to my buddy… I go, “look, man”, I tried to watch your show, and I didn’t like it.” and he said what people always say when they recommend a show and you don’t like it. He goes, “dude, you got to watch the whole series.” [laughter] do I? It’s six seasons long. It’s 12 episodes a seasons. It’s an hour long an episode. That’s 72 hours of shows. That’s a big commitment. Pretty much, I can either watch Battlestar Galactica or get, like, a helicopter pilot’s license. [laughter] it’s a long asset. I got to say, it was way more fun before Netflix and iTunes and DVD, ’cause it used to be, in the ’80s and ’90s, if you didn’t see a show when it first aired, it was great, ’cause you were off the hook. Someone would go, “hey, Neal”, did you see ‘blossom’ last night?” “nope, and I never fucking will, either.” [laughter] “shit’s gone with the wind, my friend.” [blows] [laughter] “sure, they’ll rerun ‘blossom’ in the summer, “but on summer nights, I ride bikes and finger chicks, ’cause I’m 11.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] who… Anybody here married? [scattered applause] really? Geez. So, marriage is pretty much over, seems like? [laughter] I think people are coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared to get married, man. I’m in my 30s. I’m supposed to be. But it just feels like gambling. Feels like gambling. Marriage is basically a woman saying to me, like, “hey, Neal, you still gonna love me in 30 years?” and it’s like, “I hope so”, but I don’t want to bet you half my shit over it.” [laughter] plus, I don’t think women even care about it. I think… Here’s what I think women care about. I think women care about being cute. Ladies, I think you spend most of your lives in your own heads, thinking about cute things that you’re gonna do in the future. And basically, guys are just props in that. [laughter] and you like a lot of lead time to think about this cute shit, too. That’s why you’re always planning ahead so far, ladies, where you’ll be like, “hey, can we go to the botanical gardens” three Sundays from now?” and we’re like, “sure, babe.” and in the back of our heads, we’re like, “hopefully, I’ll be dead by then.” [laughter] it’s so that you can take the full few weeks thinking about how cute you’re gonna look, and you don’t even care about these places. You don’t care about the botanical gardens or sailing or wine tasting. You go to these things for one thing and one thing only, ladies. You got to get a picture… [laughter] of yourself… [laughter] looking cute… [laughter] [applause] as, like, a receipt or a proof of purchase… [laughter] that something cute happened… [laughter] and you were the one who did it. Fellas, we can be in the picture, but it’s for her, looking cute, so that she can post the picture online so that her enemies can see it. [laughter] yes. [cheers and applause] she wants her enemies to see it and be like, “shit, this bitch is cute.” [laughter and applause] Cute, cute, cute. It’s huge. It affects everything. You know what I noticed recently, ladies? Because of this cute thing, every girl I know, all the time, is two things… Freezing… [laughter] [chuckles] [cheers and applause] starving. [laughter] “oh, my god, I’m so cold. Is anybody else freezing and starving?” no, it’s 75 degrees in here, and there’s food everywhere. [laughter] “rude.” [laughter] ladies, you all say the same thing, too. “I haven’t had anything to eat all day.” [laughter] you haven’t had anything to eat all day? “I had lunch.” [laughter] [chuckles] but, like, you don’t have lunch? I don’t know what the hell you eat at lunch. You eat the most obscure stuff in the world. Always like, “all I had for lunch today” was, like, a little bit of coconut water “and a handful of hummus.” [laughter] were you captured by AL-Qaeda at lunch? What happened at lunch? [laughter] you know why you’re freezing and starving. ‘Cause you don’t wear enough clothes, and you don’t eat enough. [laughter] problem solved. [laughter] no, I just realized the eating thing is a whole nother thing, but the dressing thing… I realized how women dress. Women dress for the first 30 seconds of wherever they’re going. [laughter] [applause] you basically… You basically dress for the entrance, like, “he-e-e-y!” [squealing indistinctly] [laughter] [squealing continues] [laughter and applause] And then you spend the rest of the party like [moans] “I’m freezing, my feet hurt, we have to go home!” [laughter] [chuckles] so, the cute thing is big… And the emotional thing. [light laughter] women being emotional has weird side effects. One of them… The big one, to me, is the way women tell stories, ’cause, ladies, I don’t know if you knew this or not, but a lot of guys think that your storytelling stinks. [laughter] it doesn’t stink. We just don’t want to hear it. That’s the thing. Women are emotional. So your stories are subtle and emotional and relationship-based. That’s not how men like our stories. We like our stories like three-panel cartoon strips, like, “he punched me, I stabbed him”, we both went to jail.” great. [laughter] it’s a great story. Again, women’s stories… Subtle, emotional, relationship- based. It’ll be like, “sheila came into work today. “she was being all weird to me. It was like, ‘is she being weird or I am being weird?'” [laughter] and women hear that and are like, “that’s an amazing story.” [laughter] And guys hear that, we’re like, “nothing happened.” [laughter] being the only guy in a roomful of women, listening to one woman tell a story, is like being in a 3-d movie theater, and everyone’s got the glasses on except for you. [laughter] where they’re like, “aah!” you know, like, “this is blurry and confusing.” [laughter] the cute thing… All right. You know what, women? You know what you do that’s crazier than any… Anything else to be cute? Pretend like you’re tall. [laughter] you’re not. [laughter] you’re not tall when you’re wearing your… You’re wearing your fake heels. You… It’s like, you know the average woman’s 5 1/2 inches shorter than the average guy. You forget that ’cause they wear heels all the time. You think your girl is like around your height, until the end of the night, when you get home and remember how short she is when she takes her shoes off. Like, “wasn’t tonight a fun night? “such a fun night. We should go out to those bars more often.” [laughter and applause] “Such a fun, fun night.” “look, I’m gonna go to the bathroom and take out 60% of my hair.” [laughter and applause] “and when I come back, we need to talk about you being more honest with me.” [laughter and applause] chicken cutlet, chicken cutlet. Now… [laughter] yeah, so, fellas, you know, we got to empathize. Empathize with your girl. Tell her she’s cute. She’ll be like, “oh, I wasn’t even thinking about it.” she was thinking about it. Don’t even… [singsong voice] “selfie!” [laughter] [chuckles] [normal voice] and then, ladies, we need empathy in a whole nother direction ’cause I don’t think you understand what it’s like to be a dude. ‘Cause I had a girl recently ask me… She goes, “what’s your type?” I was like, “I don’t really have a type,” and she goes, “why not?” and I go, “um, ’cause I never get to pick.” [laughter]     It’s never up to the guy. It’s up to the girl. Girls are the buyers. Men are the sellers. Basically, me and every guy in here are pretty much… Dick salesmen. [laughter] [applause] In fact, you know what? I’m a used dick salesman. [grunting] [laughter and applause] no payments till June. [grunts] [laughter] low miles. [laughter] leaks a little bit in the summer. [grunts] [laughter] I just got turned down by 3 women in like 10 seconds. As a guy, it’s about average. [laughter] basically, a guy’s entire life is just like [grunting] [laughter] and then we die. That’s what our life is. A party is, basically, a guy’s like [grunts] and a girl’s like, “I’m freezing!” [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [moans] [grunts] [laughter] [chuckles] [laughs] [grunting] [laughter] yeah, guys get rejected constantly. That’s the thing. Like… It’s why we can’t have feelings. [laughter] it’s too much… Too much dick to sell. [laughter] [chuckles] women have feelings, which is why you don’t handle rejection well. Women will hit on a guy like once every two years. And if it doesn’t go your way, you get furious immediately. You’ll be like, “hey, I kind of think you’re cute,” and the guy will be, “I’m gonna stay with my friends.” “you’re a fucking asshole. You know that?” [laughter] it’s… Ladies, ’cause you don’t [sighs] you don’t live… This is where we need empathy. You don’t live in the sexual tyranny that men live under just constantly. [growling] [laughter] men get erections in our sleep. [laughter] do you understand that? Basically, our brain’s are like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” and our dicks are like “fuck that, bro. I’m staying up.” [laughter and applause] [chuckles] Bro, you don’t know what’s gonna happen here alone in your locked house at 3:45 in the morning. A girl could just come busting through the wall, kool-aid-man style… [laughter] [chuckles] demanding some sex. I, for one, am gonna be awake when it happens. [laughter] [laughter continues] uh, I’m in the middle of something. [grunts] [laughter] yeah, it’s hard being a dude. I don’t think… Like, I’ll… Sometimes I’ll have a girl with me, and other girls will come up to me and be like, “you know”, you could do so much better than that.” and it’s like, “oh, I know, but I can’t take that chance.” [laughter] [chuckles] and guys will be hateful in a different way, ’cause, you know, they’re fellow salesmen. [laughter] So if I have a good-looking girl with me, they’ll be like, “dude, you know that girl’s only with you” ’cause of your career, right?” and I’ll be like, “um”, yeah, of course I know that.” [laughter] “why do you think I have a career?” [laughter] you think I’m gonna rely on my body to get women? No. My 18th birthday, I stood naked in the mirror, and I was like, “you better write some jokes.” [laughter and applause] yeah, it’s also exhausting being a guy. A girl said recently… She goes, “I’m so sick of guys hitting on me.” great, I’m so sick of hitting on you. [laughter] it’s boring. It’s so… You don’t think I hear what I’m saying? I know it’s terrible. I’m there. It’s also so time-consuming. Like, I just want to, like, run into the store and run out. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in the parking lot, like, “hey, miss, I love your blouse.” “where’d you get it? “I personally don’t give a shit, but my dick wanted me to ask.” [laughter] “also, he wanted me to say [grunts]” [laughter] [applause] [laughs] be gay! They tell me. [laughter] [laughs] I’d love to be gay! Sexually, they know how to treat a guy over there. A gay club is basically one group of guys like [grunts] then another group of guys like [grunting] [laughter] [cheers and applause] [laughter] [laughs] [speaking indistinctly] [laughter] [chuckles] like, gender- wise, there are massive differences when it comes to sex. That’s why women date guys… It’s because you’re emotional that you can date guys that are locked up of in the military. First of all, I think you like dating gates that are locked up, ’cause you like knowing where he is. [laughter] [chuckles] where you be like, “he wants to be with me, but the state won’t let him.” [laughter] and, fellas, I know what you’re thinking. “locked up? Well, what about sex?” they don’t need us for sex, dummy. You think you can please your woman more than she can please herself to the idea of you? You know how much hotter you are in her head than you are in real life? [laughter] You know, you’ll look at your girl, and be like, “why is she dating?” she’s not dating. She’s dating a way hotter you in her head. [laughter] also, a woman’s sexual-fantasy world is bananas. Every time a woman pleasures herself, she makes like a hundred-million-dollar epic movie in her head. Dozens of horses and carriages, it’s thunderstorming, thousands of extras in period garb. [laughter] that’s why guys, we got bad sexual imaginations, which is why, like, we need a woman or porn. ‘Cause if we don’t have a woman or porn, we’re fucked. [laughter] ’cause all we can come up with on our own is, like, a person and a place. [laughter] so they’re like, “I’m gonna have sex with Angelina Jolie” in my basement. [grunting]” [laughter] so, a girl asked me… She’s goes, “why, when guys jerk off”, “do they always bend over like that? It’s so creepy.” I was like, “yeah, but it’s not nearly as creepy” as not bending over and jerking off.” [laughter] this is, like, some Nazi shit, right here, like… [laughter] “what have we here? [laughs evilly]” [laughter] [chuckles] So, ladies, um, size? Does size matter? [crowd cheers] yeah? [grunts] [cheers and applause] ladies, I always heard it’s not how big you are. I hear it’s what you do with it. So what I thought I would do tonight is give you ladies a brief synopsis of what I do with it. [cheers and applause] yeah. What’s your name, sugar? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy? – Amy: Amy. – Brennan: Amy. What a beautiful, exotic name. [chuckles] [laughter] Amy, here’s a brief synopsis of what I do with it. Amy, first, I will get it erect. [laughter] then, Amy, I will stick it in your vagina. [laughter] The end. [laughter and applause] And that, ladies, is how I work mag on your vag. [laughter] [cheers and applause] Guys are funny about sex, ’cause we act like we don’t care about giving girls orgasms, but we do care, and you can tell that guys care by our sex stories. Do you ever hear a guy’s sex stories? They’re all exaggerated, blown out of proportion. Even the words are exaggerated. I saw my buddy Mike today. He goes, “yeah, dude, I was with this girl last night, right?” So I whipped it out.” [laughter] “Yeah, Mike, did you whip it out? You whipped it out, huh?” No, “whip” is the right word when a penis is 7 1/2 feet long… [laughter] And it’s got a wooden handle at the base. And every time I take it out, I do say, “hyah!” [laughter] [applause] wshoo! Wshoo! [laughter] “Whip” makes me laugh. The other phrase the guys use that makes me laugh is, “yeah, then I blew my load.” [laughter] Did you blow your load, or did a quarter-ounce of goo come dribbling out of your dick? [laughter] Did it go “pow!” or did it go… * boo-boo? * [laughter] I think I know. I think it went * boo-boo * “yeah, I blew my load. “Then, there was, like, an explosion and, like, a rockslide.” [laughter] A lot of guys died down here in the valley. [laughter] They had to shut down the interstate. The sheriff said he’s never seen carnage quite like that before. [laughter] They’re gonna do a benefit concert. [laughter] John Mayer is scheduled to play. [laughter] Listen to me, ladies. If you’re gonna fake an orgasm… You got to sell it. [laughter] Seriously, you got to sell it, ’cause I was with a girl recently who was clearly faking. Put absolutely no effort into it. [laughter] Yeah, she just went, “ah, orgasm.” [laughter and applause] “Really, don’t want to shake your leg or anything, no?” [laughter] “What am I paying you for?” [laughter and applause] [mouthing words] [laughs] What kind of girls do I like to sleep with? Great question, guys. Thanks for asking. Um… I don’t like them too young. I don’t like them too old. Too young… 18, 19, 20… Girls that age don’t really know their bodies that well, so they’re trying to act like they’re having fun, but you kind of tell by the noises they’re making, they’re not. They’re like, “yeah!” you’re like, “that’s not convincing.” [laughter] And then girls in their late 30s, early 40s, you know your bodies too well. So it’s basically like we’re just… Working for you. [laughter] Where you’re like, “all right, young man, “go ahead and hop on there real quick. “Why don’t you start me off with 15 or 16 good pumps? Let me see what I’m dealing with?” [laughter] “That’s fine. Look, I’m gonna take your right hand, put it on my left breast.” [laughter] “Young man, go ahead and kiss my neck. “And kiss it again. And pull my hair. I just came twice. Get the fuck out of my house.” [laughter and applause] [laughs] [laughter] 69-ing. [laughter] These ladies up front have been giving me a vibe all night, which is, “Neal…” [laughter] “Neal, are you gonna talk about it?” Yeah, I’m gonna talk about 69-ing. [laughter] Do people still 69, or is that shit like rollerblading, where it’s kind of not… [laughter] [laughs] I would do it more often. It’s just too hard. 69 takes so much focus, concentration. You’re, like, giving and receiving. You’re in two places at once. 69-ing is like this shit. Like… [laughter and applause] [laughs] I think about 69-ing a lot. [laughter] maybe too much. Here’s what I’ve come to. All right, the people who invented 69-ing… Were they in a hurry? [laughter] do you follow me? Like, “we’re late for the theater, but we both really need some head.” [laughter] “I think I have a plan. To the batcave!” [imitates chord] [laughter] or [sighs] was 69-ing invented… By an old white-trash couple… [laughter] [laughs] who no longer trusted each other? [laughter] [laughs] you follow me? Like, “every time I go down on you, you have an orgasm and pass out.” [laughter and applause] “so guess what, you son of a bitch? Tonight, we’re doing it at the same time.” [laughter and applause] “on my command, 3, 2, 1, munch.” [laughter] you guys, I got to go. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause continue] man: * unh * [cheers and applause continue] * a’ight * [cheers and applause continue] [cheers and applause continue]"
1686241670-94,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,COMEDY CENTRAL PRESENTS: DANIEL TOSH (2003) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/comedy-central-presents-daniel-tosh-2003-full-transcript/,"Comedy Central, Season 7, Episode 23 One, two, three, four…
 Announcer: From New York City, comedy central presents: Daniel Tosh: Thank you. You guys are ready to go. I hope you don’t mind if I just warm up a little bit first, just a couple of these. There you go. All right. You remember that exercise in P.E. Class? Have you ever done it in your life since? [Laughter] The answer’s no.
 You ever woke up in the morning, said, “you know what I need to do today? Some a these.” Yeah. There you go. That feels great. Now the other way. Well, that’s awfully tricky. [Laughter] We wonder why we have a weight problem as a nation. I’m pretty sure this isn’t cuttin’ it. [Laughter] Oh, this is a great job. People applaud when I go to work. Yeah. That’s a lot better than your job. I mean it– don’t get me wrong. It’s not like a rock star, where people lose their minds screamin’. Could you imagine that at your job? Going in, “hey, how’s it going, Kelly? Listen, I’m gonna need that memo on my desk by noon.” “No! Oh! Oh, God, I got sumthin’ from ‘ya! [Laughter] “Well, thanks, but I’m gonna still need that on my desk.” I don’t even know what women do in there. That’s witchcraft. That’s voodoo as far as I’m concerned. It takes me two hands, a pair of pliers. Three hours later, I’m pleadin’ for some teamwork. Now you can reach in here and grab your panties, for cryin’ out loud. The heck is going on down there? Do you have a magic midget runnin’ up and down your back, unhookin’ stuff? What, do you give him a crouton and then he disappears? [Laughter] I don’t know how the magic midgets work. I recently bought a pair of cargo pants. I don’t even cargo. Yeah…They don’t even check at the register. Anybody can buy those. They got all the pockets down the leg. Then one day I’m walking down the street, and I said to myself, “Daniel, this is not how your father raised you. You’re wastin’ space.” So I started to collect change from that day forward. Yeah, I have a five gallon jar at my house like to fill with change. I don’t stop till I reach the tiptop. And then a little bell goes off, and I know cargo pant day is here at last. And I dance. [Laughter] Yeah. And I put the cargo pants on with a belt, extra tight because I don’t wanna have an embarrassing situation on such a great day. And I fill up all the pockets with the change. And then I get a car alarm. Not a car alarm with a car, just the car alarm. And I hold it to my chest really closely. And then I go walk around the streets of Manhattan, and I wait for the first homeless person to come up to me and say, “hey, you got any spare change?” Then I set the car alarm off. [Car alarm sounding] You hit the jackpot, mofo! [Laughter and applause] Oh, and then I start throwin’ all the change. And that hurts. But he doesn’t care because he won. So he’s jumpin’ up and down. “I won! I won! Call the pit boss.” And I’m like, “calm down, smelly. I don’t have to.” It’s under $400. And that’s how Oktoberfest started. [Laughter] Yes. That is a true story. [Cheering and applause] Sometimes when I’m home alone, i feel sad, and i feel like nuthin’ in my life is going right. So i like to take a home pregnancy test. [Laughter] Yeah. That way I can utter the phrase, “hey, at least I’m not pregnant.” And I realize better days are right around the corner. I’m not very good with people, either. Even when I was little, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street. Yeah, and I’d be like, “hey, I guess we’ll meet up later.” And he’d be like, “whatever, queer.” Look, that’s not nice at all. [Laughter continues] You think it’s trendy for young kids in Japan to get tattoos of words written in English? [Laughter] Huh? Do you think they’re walking around over there, “hey, Kim, check this out. I just got it yesterday. It means love and water.” [Laughter] Oh, that’s sexy. Nah. I don’t like tattoos. I know my generation loves to get ’em. I’m not a fan. My friends try to always sell me on ’em. They’re like, “tattoos, that’s an artistic expression.” I’m like, “wow, because it looks like a butterfly above your cooter. [Laughter] But i guess in your circle, that’s art.” I think if you’re gonna get a tattoo, just get one, the words, “I’m dumb,” that’s it. That way, in ten years, when you go, “why did I get this? You can be like, “oh. I’m dumb.” [Laughter] “Me not talkie no more.” [Laughter] I live in Los Angeles. Girls in Los Angeles like to say this. “I’m not religious, but I’m spiritual.” Ooh. I like to reply, “I’m not honest, but you’re interesting.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. All right. [Cheering] I know a lot of you think I’m kinda crazy. I am. I have voices in my head. But they speak in Spanish, and i have no idea what they’re saying. [Laughter] That’s irritating. I wish one of ’em would get a job. They’re my voices, don’t worry about ’em. What’s a good time for me? I’ll tell ‘ya. My favorite robe, some yogurt, and an episode of trading spaces. Oh. Then I’m in heaven. [Cheering] Do you love Trading Spaces? I do– I would never be on that show, though. You wanna know why? ‘Cause you have to trust your friends to decorate your house. You have not met my friends. [Laughter] They do not have my best interest at heart. ‘Cause it’s always some over-the-top, eccentric interior designer comin’ in, going, “oh, my goodness, I love this place. This is what I’m thinking for your friend’s house. Circus tent. Big circus tent. [Laughter] Do you think your friend would like a circus tent?” “Oh, yeah, he’d love a circus tent.” [Laughter] “No, no, no, yeah. Why don’t you go dig up the hardwood floors, get down to the dirt. That way, the ponies will feel at home.” “Great. We’re under budget.” Now I’m a lousy piece a ass, and I should know. I’ve been there almost every time. Well, but it’s not my fault. I never got a “birds and the bees” speech as a child. I remember the closest thing I ever got. One time my dad was cooking breakfast. He’s like, “son, you better listen up, ’cause I’m only gonna say this one time.” He was in the fugees. [Laughter] Thanks. “Sex is a lot like this egg.” I’m like, “egg? Dad, i think that’s drugs.” [Laughter] “Whatever, queer.” “Why is everyone saying that?” “Just listen, all right?” “First thing I do is heat up the bed real nice, get it nice and warm, get it ready for her. Then you gotta take her, crack over the head, and lay her out flat, all right? Come on, now. Wait till she starts sizzlin’ really good. Then you can flip her on over. There you go. Yeah. Oh. Don’t get too excited, or you get yellow stuff all over the bacon.” [Laughter] What’s going on? Oh. Ooh, that’s a gross– no, it’s not. That’s a breakfast joke. That’s the most important joke of the day. Yeah, if you don’t laugh at that, you’re gonna get sleepy around 11:30. And you’ll be like, “why am I so tired?” Maybe not. I was dating this girl. She got a boob job, a breast enlargement. But she puts squeak toys in ’em. [Laughter] Yeah. And I’m like [Squeaking] ah! She was a clown, so it was a tax write-off. Ah, the floor is lava! [Sighs] I almost got burned there. Well, yeah, you don’t know what that is? Fine, I don’t care. That’s a game I used to play as a child, the floor is lava. It’s when you’d climb on all the furniture in your house, and you couldn’t touch the floor. Yeah, you might have called it something completely different, but it meant the same thing. You were poor. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause I remember going, “mom, I would like a Nintendo.” And she’s like “the floor’s lava.” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with our house?” “Why can’t we afford carpet?” It’s called two jobs, bitch. No. That’s how I used to talk. I was very street. All right, maybe not. I uh…I’m gonna be a horrible father. But I know this. And I don’t have any kids. So I think that’s pretty good. Trust me, I have a lot of friends like, “I’m gonna make a great dad.” Wow, because you’re a complete loser now. You know I’m not against responsibility. I’m actually looking into legally adopting a granddaughter. [Laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause being a grandpa is cool, and it’s really easy. It’ll be awesome. I’ll adopt some cute little 14-year old girl. And she’ll be like, “hey, dad, thanks for adopt– ” I’m like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m your grandpa.” And she’ll be like, “oh. Well, see ‘ya at Christmas.” Couple years go by. She’s in college. Comes home with some of her friends. Be like, “hey, girls. Why don’t you come over here and sit on grandpa’s lap.” Then she’ll be like, “oh, grandpa.” Because you never report grandpa for being creepy. [Laughter] Life is what you make it. Have you heard that? Yeah. Do you live it? You don’t. I live it. I have a great life. My friends think it’s so much better than it really is. Why? Because i make it better. That’s right. You wanna know where I’m working next week? Hawaii. Yeah. I’m gonna be in Hawaii. All right, really, I’m gonna be in New Bern, North Carolina. Yeah. But in my mind– [laughter] I’m going to Hawaii. And you can do it, too. And it is a lot cheaper. [Laughter] Any time you’re going someplace that you don’t wanna go, just pretend you’re going to Hawaii. Pack a bunch of flowered shirts, jump off the plane, be like, “aloha, everybody. [Chuckles] Where’s my lei?” “You’re in trouble.” Order tropical drinks all week. When you get home, your friends’ll be like, “hey, we’ve never been to Hawaii. How was it?” And just be like, “eh– was all right.” I even took my girlfriend last week to Paris. The whole time she’s like, “this looks a lot like Birmingham, Alabama.” And I’m like, “shut up, Britney Spears.” And she’s like, “quit calling me Britney Spears.” And I’m like “no one talks to “the rock” like that, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] Yeah. [Cheering] Which is really funny, because i don’t have a girlfriend. [Laughter] That was just some lady on the bus. She did not smell what i was cooking. [Laughter] Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European. [Laughter] It’s not fun to fly, I’ll tell ‘ya. I have one of those cell phones with the ear-piece that hangs straight down. So when you talk, you look like you’re crazy. Everybody eavesdrops on your conversation. They don’t want to. They’re forced to because you project right onto the air. So when i get a phone call at the airport, I’ll admit it. I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. [Laughter] Gate 47 is completely clear. People notice in a hurry. “Honey, something’s going on. That guy has a wire hanging down. Maybe we shouldn’t be standing right– ” “stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!” “Honey, there is a sting going on here at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please let’s– “stand down, blue team! Don’t– hold on, the suspect’s approaching. He’s in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.” And i find some random businessman. I run, i just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping. “Thank you for making our airways safe.” And then i go get on my plane. And that guy’s just got a weird story to tell for the rest of his life. [Laughter] Yeah. He’s like “I’m never going back to Los Angeles again. I was at the airport a couple days ago, and this guy came outta nowhere. And he just beat me up.” [Laughter] “And everybody just clapped. [Laughter] What is wrong with those people?” I think boxers are the greatest athletes of all sports, for the simple fact that they don’t cry. That is mind blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh, my gosh, it hurts so bad. [Laughter] They have to go back to a corner where some little man yells at ’em. “Shut up, i just got punched in the face.” [Laughter] “Yeah, i know, dodge and punch more. It is a very simple concept.” If i was a boxer, you know who i would hire for my corner man? My mom. [Laughter] At least she could make me feel good on the inside. “I don’t wanna fight anymore.” “Who’s my big boy? [Laughter] You are. Yes, you– do you want me to call his parents? No? Okay, then dry those tears, pussy, that’s why dad left.” Cannibalism is a horrible scenario. I’m not gonna argue with you. But if you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? [Laughter] Do you think Mexicans are spicy? [Laughter] Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? You can start laughing now. I’m gonna do everybody in here. [Laughter] Chinese people, are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? [Laughter] Let’s go, everybody. Black people– taste like chicken. [Laughter] All’s fair, all’s fair. White people? All right, you don’t eat white people. I’m sorry, i don’t make the rules. [Laughter] Do you at least understand why i end the joke that way? Because it’s so funny to make a room full of white people uncomfortable. “Oh, see, we laughed at black people taste like chicken, ’cause we kinda thought you were gonna throw one in our direction. And now you pretty much hung us out to dry.” It’s just a joke. What if that joke is the reason i don’t get into heaven? Like i get up to heaven, find out God’s black. Yeah. He comes walking up to me. “Ah, that joke wasn’t funny, mother(Bleep). Lemme tell you sumpin’, that black people taste like chicken. White people taste like macaroni and cheese, bitch.” [Laughter and applause] All right. Calm down, crackers, this ain’t a rally. I don’t want anyone gettin’ the wrong idea. I know– that– i doubt God’s usin’ that kinda language. And that’s a very stereotypical voice i used for an African-American. I apologize. How many black comics have you heard in your lifetime go, “you know white people. Hi, Bob, how are you? Good, tom, thanks for askin’.” [Laughter] I don’t sound like that at all. That’s very offensive. I do that joke one night– and of course a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, “what gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?” I’m like, “listen, lady. My best friend is Cuban, and that’s close enough.” [Laughter] Yeah. She was like, “oh, I’m sorry.” [Laughter] Does everybody hopefully their wjd bracelets on? Do you know what that is, everybody? ‘What would Jesus do?’ They’re not magical. They’re just a reminder to be a better person, to live a better life. It’s true. ‘Cause i was wearing my bracelet recently, and i was in the movie theater. This guy’s cell phone went off. Don’t you just hate that? Yeah. And I’m like, “woo.” And then he picked it up. “Hey, how’s it going? I’m in a movie.” And I’m like, “hey, get off the phone.” And he’s like, “mind your own business.” And i almost went crazy. But then i looked at my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So i lit him on fire and sent him to hell. [Laughter] Yeah, i did. [Cheers and applause] I’ll be honest, i felt a lot better afterwards. Those things work. Money doesn’t buy happiness. That phrase should end with, “just kidding.” [Laughter] Good. I’m not a good sport. I’ll admit it. I don’t enjoy watching other people succeed. That’s why all my best friends are in the seventh grade. [Laughter] You can do it, too. It’s great for your esteem. No matter what, they come– “oh, i got an a on my paper.” “Oh, i have a car.” [Laughter] I don’t like game shows. I don’t like watchin’ people win money. My biggest fear in my life’s my next door neighbor knocks on my door one day. [Knocks] “Hey, Daniel, get out here. I just won the lottery. I’m outta here for good.” “Hold on. Now have you told anybody yet?” “N– n– no, you’re the first one.” [Bang] [Laughter] Yeah, i don’t know if you can cremate someone in a gas fireplace, but I’ll find out. [Laughter] And these game shows giving away millions of dollars? Who wants to watch that? I’d like a game show with millionaires on it. And they have to play with their own money. Yeah, and they can’t win money, they can only lose, till one of ’em goes completely broke. And the show’s called, “ha, ha, now you’re poor.” [Laughter] I’d watch that show every day. What time is it? It’s “ha-ha now you’re poor” time. [Laughter] That’s the dance you do when it comes on, i guess. [Laughter] Now you know the worst television, mtv. I can’t st– music television. They call it that. They don’t even play music. How’s that legal? [Laughter] What if everybody did that? “Hey, thanks for callin’ New York pizza.” “Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.” “Oh, we don’t sell pizza.” “What?” “No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call the book store if you’re hungry.” They have a show on mtv that i can’t stand– “cribs.” You ever watch “cribs?” Yeah, that show should be called “wanna feel like a failure?” Little bowwow has an s series. That’s not right. [Laughter] Tell you what, though. If i ever get really famous, i promise you the greatest “cribs” episode of all time. Oh, you can trust me on this one. I’m gonna hire universal studios to come over to my house, build an extension of caves and corridors that go from my bedroom to the bathroom. That way, every night, when i wake up to go pee, the adventure begins. [Laughter] So i wake up, right? I’m like scared and nervous and i have to go. And the camera crew’s following me. And I’m like, “ooh.” And i hire Vin Diesel to hide and jump out and scare me and sword fight me. And he’s like “prepare to die.” And I’m like, “calm down, you over-actor. I’m paying you to lose.” And he’s like– and then i kill him. And there’s a princess tied up. And she’s like, “thank you. I’ve been here for so long.” I’m like, “no time for talkie, gotta tinkle. Let’s run.” We start going. The walls street closin’ in. Yeah, there’s doors going down, and rocks everywhere. And we have to go across an old rope bridge. But halfway across the rope bridge, the bottom one sets on fire and it snaps. And she falls, but i got her with one arm. Yeah, i can feel her slippin. But she’s looking up at me, going, “I’ll never stop loving you.” Close up on my eyes, and a close up on her eyes, and i close up on my eyes… Like– and then she falls. Like, “aaaah!” And I’m like, “whyyyyy? Whyyyy?” And i snap outta that. I gotta pee like a racehorse. Back up onto the rope. I get to the bathroom. I pull my pajamas down, ’cause i sit down and pee like a girl when I’m at my house. It’s my house, i feel more comfortable that way. Don’t judge me, the Bible says not to. But as soon as i sit down, a hologram of my dad pops up. And he’s like, “Daniel, this is your father. Make sure you look behind the shower curtain before you–.” Too late. A dragon comes from behind the shower curtain. Yeah…It’s gonna spray me with fire, but i rip the medicine cabinet off, right? Mirror ching-ching, kills the dragon. And then i got to the bathroom. I go back to bed. And no one even knows i added these extensions on to my house. It’s top secret. My maid comes runnin’ in. “Daniel, Daniel! What’s with all that ruckus?” And I’m like, “oh, Helga, it was nothing. Now get back to your quarters.” And she’s like, “hmmm.” Then i roll over and stare at the camera crew, and I go, “shhhh.” [Laughter] And then the camera goes back onto Vin Diesel’s body. Close up on his face. And then his eyes open. Well, did you get chills? Yeah. Let’s see p. Diddy top that crib. Thanks a lot, you guys. [Cheers and applause] captioning made possible by comedy central. Captioned by mccaptioning services."
1686242545-315,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jim Norton: Monster Rain (2007) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-norton-monster-rain-transcript/,"Thank you! Aw, thank you very much. Thank you, guys. Man, that was nice. Thank you so much for coming here tonight. Thank you all for risking your lives and coming to this neighborhood. Jesus Christ! If I do another special, maybe I can get a theatre in Fallujah. It’s so nice. I had a great thing happen this week. I was out with my girlfriend’s family… who I did not want to be out with… and I found a wonderful way to end the evening early. When it gets really quiet at the table, you just blurt out “boy, I sure would love to fuck that Dakota Fanning!” But don’t be creepy about it. After you say it, just make this face. I got a text from my girlfriend. I did not bring her with me. She’s back at my apartment in New York, and as I’m coming tonight for the gig, she sends me a text that says, “you know, you’re out of toilet paper.” And I’m thinking, “all right. Did she happen to notice, or is there a situation?” And I don’t want to think about that. You never want to think about your girlfriend, you know, beading up sweat on her forehead, turtling. So I ignore it. A minute later, I get another text… “what am I supposed to do?” I don’t know. A handstand in the shower. Jesus Christ! What do you want me to tell you? Grab a sock, learn to improv already. You’re 15 years old! And I got to be honest, man, I like having a girlfriend! I was single for so long… 5 years… and I like being in a relationship, and there’s little weird things to get used to. Like after sex, as we’re laying there, I have to keep repeating to myself, “do not hand her cash. Do not hand her cash.” Which is still a nice improvement over last year, when it was, “ignore the Adam’s apple. Ignore the Adam’s apple.” We’ve all made that mistake, haven’t we? Ha ha ha! You’re receiving an amazing blow job. All of a sudden, you’re like, “wow! That’s a wide back for a gal.” Well, now you’re at a crossroads because this is technically a homosexual act. Yet on the other hand, this fella sure knows his business. What do you do? I mean, instinctively, you understand there’s a no refund policy, so I tend to just laugh good-naturedly at myself and then blast a load right in his face. And ever since this relationship has been happening, I’ve been trying to, like, fix up my place a little bit because my apartment right now is very male-orientated. It’s geared for me. Like, all I have is, like, signed black sabbath shit on the walls, like, photos of me and Ozzy and me and Kiss. It’s like my girlfriend comes over, and she feels like she’s dating a 12-year-old retard. But I don’t know what to buy that she would like. I’m an idiot. I don’t know what women want. I would just hang up giant photos of dicks. “You like that, you size queen?” So I enlisted the help of my gay friend because gay people have so much of a better vibe for a woman’s sensibility than straight men do, but gay people are very arrogant. Like, I took my friend, furniture shopping, and he’s a gay comic, and I found this sofa that I love, so I call him over. I’m like, “what do you think?” And he’s so condescending. He runs his hand over the back, and he’s like, “eeeechhh! You idiot, the material’s too rough.” Then I realize we had different priorities when sofa shopping. When I’m buying one, I don’t have to wonder what it’s going to feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time. To feel like mushed into my face for an hour at a time. He has to worry about that… Because he has narcolepsy. He tends to doze off while he’s getting poked in the shitter. But I’m not homophobic, I guess, because I’ve been such a pervert for so long. Like, I’ve been sexually active since I was in second grade, and, you know, growing up I didn’t give a shit. I played monster rain when I was a kid, which I told… I did tell that story on the radio, and it was a fun little game. Miss, you look a little confused. Are you not familiar with it? You never heard of monster rain? It’s the most adorable thing! And it’s true, too. When I was very young, my little friend and I would walk along, and one of us would yell, “monster rain!” And then to get away from the monster rain, we’d hide under a porch and blow each other. A porch and blow each other. That’s how we escaped the monster rain. In hindsight, an umbrella would have been more prudent. And it wasn’t about being gay, though. It was just about feeling somebody’s mouth on your dick, and the key… Again, second grade. It was about getting your friend to go first because, like, the key… Because there’s no subtlety when you’re that young. Like, if my friend would blow me and then go “my turn!” You know, I’d be like, “I got to go eat lunch!” And leave him under the porch with his shame and dick breath. Then I’d rat him out to the whole neighborhood. “He’s a queerbait. He licked my dingle.” But I think gay men are fascinating, though, because I heard they do this thing called “docking.” All right. A couple people have heard of this. Docking supposedly is when two guys will stand face to face and put their dick heads together, and one of the guys has to be uncircumcised… – Ha ha ha! And the uncircumcised guy peels his foreskin over the head of the other guy’s penis, and that’s where I bailed out of the conversation. But I am so mad at myself. I really wish I had stuck with it because I’m dying to know what happens next? What do you do? Do you say anything to each other, or do you just look at each other and laugh hysterically? I’m actually jealous. That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of that gay guys can refuel in mid air. And I did my first midwestern gigs… I was in Kansas City actually at the same time that that, hurricane, torna… What was it? Tornado… whatever, whatever. Hillbilly mover. Merciful wind from a knowledgeable god. And I spent some time down south. I went to Dallas, which was really cool. When I was down there, I went to see where JFK was shot at Dealey Plaza. Has anybody made the trip, made that pilgrimage down there? It’s kind of awe inspiring, right? It’s, it’s smaller than I thought it would be. And the only difference between that day and today is the stemmons freeway sign, which he disappeared behind, has been taken away, and where he took the third and final shot, a big white “x” has been painted in the street so you know exactly where it happened. Um, at least I hope that was put there after the assassination because… If that was there the day of, that’s sloppy police work. “Oswald didn’t act alone. He had a Puerto Rican kid with him.” But there’s an “x,” and what people will do is when traffic is stopped up at the light, they run out into the street, they stand on the “x,” and they get their photos taken, and you’re watching this like, “you voyeuristic, morbid piece of shit.” Until it’s your turn to have your photo taken. You try to look dignified. I didn’t care. I fucked around. I didn’t care. I fucked around. I even did a little Jackie. But after I came off the “x,” this annoying, awful couple was behind me, and they had been snipping at each other the whole time, and so the awful woman runs out, and she’s standing there, and she’s just yelling at her stupid husband, and this nervous fruit is trying to operate his camera, and a car is headed towards her, and she doesn’t see it, so I go, “let it happen.” I saw the greatest story of my life about to unfold, and stupid, pussy-whipped husband warned her, and as he warned her, you could see him regretting it because he’s like, “get out of the way!” But in his face he was like, “why the fuck am I saying this?” How funny would that have been? Two people in history killed on that spot… Jfk and that bitch. And I actually lived out in Los Angeles for a little while when I was out there shooting “lucky Louie.” I thank those of you that supported “lucky Louie.” Despite my fucking muggy acting. “Where are you, Lou?” Jesus Christ. And I think we deserved season two. Unfortunately, we got cancelled, but that happens. Um, what bothers more is not the fact that we got cancelled. It’s the fact that we got cancelled and you can still turn on 8 different channels and watch poker. Enough with the poker obsession in this country. My fat friend is obsessed with it. He’s like, “dude, you want to play hold ’em? Let’s play hold ’em!” All “all right. How about this? “I’ll pull out my balls. Hold ’em with your mouth.” And it kind of bugs me because to me they’re not showing gamblers. Like, I’m a recovering alcoholic and a recovering addict. I understand the mania of obsession. You know, if one is good, 50 is better! I mean, I cannot stop ever. So show me that type of gambler. Don’t show me the top one one thousandth of a percent of rich gamblers. Show me the average schlub. “Tune in next week to watch Doyle brunson punch his wife “in the face because she’s crying because the lights are turned off again.” Because I don’t think those guys are playing for their own money anyway because they’re all celebrities now, so they’re playing for sponsor money or network money. To me, that’s not interesting. How about a little risk? That would make it more interesting to me as a viewer. Like, if they win they keep the money, but if they lose they have to drink gas or blow an aids patient. A bit harsh, perhaps, but let’s see your poker face now, motherfucker. Now, motherfucker. “Well, judging by the looks of things, if he doesn’t pull a 5 or a 7, he’s going to be losing weight rapidly.” And I actually… I actually enjoyed L.A. more than I ever have. I kind of like it out there now, um, but I had a very bad injury. A lot of people have heard me complain about my foot. Um, I twisted my ankle horribly. What actually happened is I was in a building in Los Angeles that was burning, and I was trying to run out, of course, because, you know, nobody one wants to lose their lips and eyelashes. Jesus Christ. God bless burn victims. They always look like they walked into their own surprise party. Little tuft of hair. If it’s any consolation, I don’t really feel good about that line either. So I’m in this building, and I’m running for the front door, and I tripped over a small, um, kid, who had fallen. Totally his fault. You know how selfish children are. “Help me!” “Fuck you!” And now I got to get surgery. Um, I could have avoided surgery if I had just put some insoles in that were supportive, but did you ever remember the commercial for a product and the commercial is so awful you don’t want to support that advertising through product purchase? That “you gellin’?” Ad campaign… I want to find who wrote that. I want to bite their nose off and spit it back in their fuckin’ face. If you haven’t seen the commercial, in the commercial there’s been a bit of a Fender bender, and the two gentlemen are outside surveying the damage, and they realize they’re in a better mood than they should be considering they’ve had a little accident and there’s a 10-year-old trapped in between the bumpers. And they intuitively recognize that their good mood can be directly attributed to their comfy footwear! So they address each other. The one guy goes “you gellin’?” And the other guy goes “like Magellan.” And then they suck each other’s dicks. And then they suck each other’s dicks. Gellin’ is in the word Magellan. That’s not a real rhyme. “How long you been tired?” “Ever since I retired” is not a legitimate rhyme scheme. They could have had fun with that! One of the gentlemen was African-American. How great would that have been? “You gellin’?” “Like a watermelon.” Maybe a prostitute walks in and says to her pimp, “you gellin’?” And he knocks her teeth out. “Bitch, get back to pussy sellin’!” Thank you, by the way, for laughing at the racially inappropriate one. Why do white people have such a guilt complex? We don’t need to feel guilty. Most of us don’t need to feel guilty. If you’re over 70 and you live in Mississippi, ok. Chances are, you owe a few apologies, but a lot of times, we don’t even realize we have it until we see another white person doing something racist, and then we all react a certain way because it taps into something in us. Like, Michael Richards. That was the greatest thing ever because this fucking asshole goes onstage in Los Angeles and yells all this shit that most people only think or yell out a car window, and the whole country is in an outrage. “Could you believe what he said?” “Yeah.” Why? Because I don’t’ take my social or racial cues from him. He’s not a politician. He’s not my spiritual advisor. He’s a jerk-off who made a living for 10 years sliding on a floor going “hellooo, Jerry.” I don’t give a fuck about anything he thinks. And the fact that imus got fired is a fucking disgrace. It’s a fucking disgrace. – But everybody knew he didn’t mean it to be hateful. He was only trying to make an ugly joke about a bunch of girls, and people turned it around. Are we not allowed to make fucking ugly jokes anymore? Look. I hate to break it to you, but the rutgers female basketball team… They’re not lookers. They’re not lookers. That’s one reason they’re so good at what they do. They had to practice in high school. You know, it’s like, “well, it’s a Saturday night. “We’re all 6’5″, and no one will fuck us. What do you want to do?” “I don’t know. Let’s throw the ball around for a little while.” Why do you think I’m a comedian? Because I got pussy all the time? No! And I love the way politicians have to weigh in. Like Hillary Clinton, who never takes a stand until the public has decided, was gonna go and visit the team to help the healing begin. Does this phony bitch had to get her mullet into the middle of everything? Of everything? With her phony voice inflection. “I want to go and help everybody heal.” Shut up, puppet mouth. What was she gonna say to a bunch of athletes? “You know, it’s ironic that you all play basketball, yet I have thicker calves and ankles than all of you.” Or maybe she was worried. She thought her husband fucked a couple of them. Maybe that was the problem. When are women going to stop looking at Hillary Clinton like she’s the picture of strength and feminism. Why? All she did is stay with a guy who fucked everybody. He was rubbing his dick on a fat girl’s face. “I didn’t see it. It didn’t happen.” What really bothered me though, it wasn’t the fact that politicians came out against it… because they are all scumbags, and that’s what you expect them to do. It was the fact the way the rest of the country jumped on that bandwagon. The phony outrage around imus made me sick. Hip-hop was outraged! Rappers. Snoop! Snoop! Not the adorable one who lays on the doghouse with the little bird on him. No. The other one with the gun charges. Snoop said it was degrading to black women, as opposed to when he walks them into awards shows on a leash. When he walks them into awards shows on a leash. And somebody asked snoop, “well, what about rap lyrics?” And snoop said, and I quote, “well, it’s different in rap “because we’re not talking about girls in college who are “excelling in sports. “We’re talking about hos from the neighborhood who ain’t doing shit but trying to get a n i g g e r for his money.” Well said. And you know the number two hip-hop song in the country when the Imus thing happened was “I’m a flirt” by R. Kelly, and in it, he calls girls hos, and we all remember the friendly little video he put out a few years ago. “There’s no toilet available. Come here, kid. You’ll do.” Whoopi Goldberg really annoyed me. It’s like, Whoopi, you’re a comedian. Why they fuck would you be against anyone saying anything? Especially racial when she had her whole thing with Ted Danson. Remember the Ted Danson incident a few years ago? 15 years ago, whatever? They were dating. I really am an asshole who should have read the facts before I started pontificating like a fucking bore. But her and Ted Danson were getting all this racism for their relationship, so to address the racism, at a friar’s club thing, Ted Danson put on blackface and ate watermelon, and the whole country jumped on him, and Whoopi jumped to his defense saying, “no. He’s not a racist. He was just doing this and that.” Why is it ok to defend Ted Danson and not Imus? Why? Because Imus is a little older and he’s not good-looking and crazy enough to fuck Whoopi? I don’t know how she pulled off… I don’t know how she pulled off Ted Danson. Maybe she had photos of him fucking blowing Norm or somebody else from that show. People love being offended and feeling self-righteous indignation. It’s like if you talk about Islam. You can’t make fun of Islam because that makes you Islamophobic, which is fear of Islam. Ok. Accurate. Look. I don’t hate Muslims. I really don’t, but as a group, their problem-handling skills are not good. A Danish cartoonist did an offensive cartoon. All over the middle east, they were rioting and trampling each other to death and setting embassies on fire. Don’t Muslims ever just fire off an angry e-mail? “I didn’t appreciate that.” Send! And during the riots… during the riots, I saw some footage from Pakistan, which really hurt because it’s my favorite vacation spot, and there was a group of very pissed off Muslims attacking a McDonald’s, and they said they were attacking it because it was American. Look. I understood why they were mad at America. A Danish cartoonist did something offensive, it was reprinted in France, Germany, and Turkey, so naturally it’s our fault! But they were attacking… You know the creepy Ronald that sits on the bench and stares into the playland? They had knocked him into the dirt, and they were stomping on him, you know, because he’s a Jew. And they were staring defiantly into the camera. Like we, as Americans, are gonna sit home going, “no. “Not the shiny, red-headed, plastic pedophile, who sits “outside the restaurant that makes me shit 3 minutes “after I eat it. Noooo!” What are they gonna do next? Cut the clit off the Wendy’s girl? Look. Every religion gets attacked somehow in the media. It’s not acceptable to react violently. Not long after those riots, kanye west appeared on the cover of “rolling stone” wearing a crown of thorns, and that offended and pissed off a lot of people. It didn’t bother me. I knew why he was doing it. Like, he’s a rapper, they’re underpaid, they’re martyrs. I get it. But there was a lot of very, very angry christians, but they weren’t showing violence, they weren’t attacking black interests, you know, running through supermarkets, dumping kool-aid all over the floor. Beating the shit out of 300-pound white girls who are pissed off at their fathers. Pissed off at their fathers. I will say one thing about islamic terrorism. It has made white people and black people a lot happier to see each other in the airports. I do not have one ounce of racial discomfort with black people on a plane. I don’t care if I’m the only white face. It could be me and the wu-tang clan. “Welcome aboard, fellas.” Granted, I’m not going to hear a word of the in-flight movie… But at least I know we’re going to have a safe, hijacking-free flight. Then once we land, they can beat the shit out of me and take my starter jacket at baggage claim. And, like, as Americans, we don’t want to be racist. I don’t want to make middle eastern guys who are just living honest lives feel uncomfortable, but it’s instinctive because the attacks are being carried out by civilians, so if I see middle eastern guys getting on my flight, I wish I didn’t, but I look a little… a little differently. Um, you know, I try to look like I’m an air marshal… But I’m not at all intimidating, so I look like I’m cruising them in a rest area. For a while, you couldn’t bring water on the flight. That is scary… water! All I want on a plane is to not hit a mountain and sip my beverage. Why water? Why couldn’t they put bombs inside a crying infant? How great would that be? Finally, no more of those little douchebags on the plane. “That’s my baby.” Fuck you, lady. Anyone under 5 has to be fedexed. I’m not blowing up in mid-air because your husband didn’t have the decency to pull out and aim for your face. I tell you one thing, man, we really are becoming a celebrity-obsessed country, and the media is just repulsive, and I’m not saying I don’t get star-struck or I don’t love celebrities. I do. I love them, but, Jesus Christ, the way they covered the Virginia tech shooting is the same way they covered imus. It’s the same way they covered Anna Nicole Smith’s death. Are we ok to talk about that now? Are we over it? I had to take a week off myself. Could you believe it was drugs? Did we need a fucking press conference for that? They should have come out an hour later. “What the fuck do you think it was? “It was as plane crash. “She died in a plane crash. Her plane hit a mountain of methamphetamines.” Jesus Christ. That junkie bitch, they found everything in her system but trimspa. You know, and the Britney Spears coverage. She’s so fucking phony. And I don’t hate Britney. Again, I started to like her when she tried to look like me. I don’t think she’s in big trouble. I think she’s being phony and just doing the whole “star with a problem” routine to get some attention because nobody’s talking about her anymore. Nobody talks about fucking her. Nobody cares. I mean, for years she was really sexy, and now people just look at her like she’s a mom and not like a sexy milf type of mother but a shitty Susan Smith type of bitch. I mean, Jesus Christ. At least Angelina Jolie goes to some third world shitbox and grabs some fucking thing and puts it on her shoulder and washes it and waves at the crowd. And makes us all feel guilty. We get it. You’re a better person than we are. We get it. But, Jesus Christ, Britney had her own kids. She’s swinging on by the cock, the other one’s on the hood of the car. She’s doing 80. Jesus Christ. K-fed was no dummy because he got Britney pregnant twice. You know every time he fucked her he probably just came and went,” cha-ching. Cha-ching.” He probably didn’t waste a load in 3 years. She’d go on the road, he’d jerk off into a baggie, and then when she came back, he’d squeeze it into her pussy like space food. She’d wake up, he’d be between her legs decorating a cake. And I don’t mind her trying to recapture her sexy image. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the way she’s being dishonest about it. Just pose naked. Don’t try to hang out with Paris Hilton and suck off some of that vibe without taking the risk of being really nude because Paris Hilton deserves to be a sex symbol because she had sex, had the decency to film it and sell it, and I appreciate that. I respect that, even though it was that awful green light that they use to catch Mexicans sneaking into Texas. But she was a good lay. That should be a requirement to be a sex symbol in this day and age. We should have to see you fuck. Who knows what Marilyn Monroe was like? She might have been awful. She might have grabbed DiMaggio’s balls and just smashed them like, “arrrwww.” Paris Hilton was wonderful. She took Rick Salomon’s big old dick with a big Hilton “h” behind her… How do you not love that… Shaming mother and father. I would have respected her more if she did it in a ramada inn. That would have been a great fuck you to the family. Mmwww, mmwwww. “And these beds are so comfy!” Mmwww, mmwww. But you see, Britney Spears tried to take a page out of that playbook by doing the little oopsie shots when she got out of the limo. “Oopsie Daisy. Don’t look up my skirt. Tee hee hee. Don’t look!” And her pussy was the ugliest pussy I have ever seen in my life. Britney Spears’ vagina was atrocious. It looked like bill Murray’s mouth in caddyshack. And another thing I resent is the fact that Heather Mills is somehow now a celebrity in our country, Paul McCartney’s soon-to-be ex-wife. Why is she a celebrity? I don’t know what happened in their marriage. I’m not going to say I do, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s her fault. Bitch, you have one leg, and you married one of the Beatles. How do you fuck that up? Every conversation in that house should have been, “I’m a little hungry, love.” “Here’s your sandwich.” Blla, blla, blla, blla. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop. “We’re out of toilet paper, love.” “Are we?” Blla, blla, blla, blla. Hop, hop, hop. She wants $60 million? That bitch. She should leave that marriage with nothing but a bag of pristine left shoes. I’d love to push her into a pool and watch her swim in circles for an hour and a half. Why would he marry her? You want to fuck her doggie style, you got to prop her up with phone books. Aw, you know who I have grown to love by the way? Can I tell you who I never liked and like now? Ann coulter. I never liked her because I think she’s kind of a snotty twat of a human being, but she has balls, man. She refused to apologize. She called John Edwards a faggot, and the whole country was, you know, “how could she call John Edwards a faggot?” Gee. I don’t know. Maybe she looked at him once? The guy has hair like one of the lego people. And to me, he proved the fact that he wasn’t qualified to be president or anything else because he couldn’t even be honest as a man in his response to what she said. He came off like some fucking mid-level retail manager. “I have no opinion on Ann coulter.” How could you not? She just told the whole country that you suck dicks. How do you not make fun of Ann coulter? She’s an 80-pound anorexic with witch hair and a neck like a tranny. How do you not trash her? Ooh! Would I like to dominate that dirty bitch sexually. I would be really fucking hardcore with her because I am very dominant in bed. Yeah. A lot of people say it’s rape. No. No. At the end, I always show them that the gun is fake. I’m like,” “you got me. Tee hee hee hee hee!” I would like to grab Ann coulter by the hair and just lay her back and have her head hang over the edge of the bed and pinch her nose, and when she went… I would just straddle her face and mouth-fuck her. Ughhh. Uhhhn. She would sound like Luca brasi being killed. “Ohhhhh!” Tears would roll out over the top of her forehead and into her hair. “Ughhh!” Jesus Christ. Now you can’t even say faggot. That’s the f-word. “Don’t say the f-word. Don’t say the n-word. Don’t say the c-word.” How the hell is anyone supposed to know when you’re addressing them? And it’s so weird. Like, I have to pull back. My girlfriend’s really open-minded, but I panic that I’m gonna freak her out because I have been such a dirtbag for so long. Like, you ever think you know what somebody wants sexually, and then you realize that you read her wrong? You know what I mean? You’re like, “I bet you want to be spanked.” “I don’t like being spanked.” “I don’t blame you.” “Why would you? You’re an adult.” Or the worst, you ever go to spank somebody and miss? Sexy vibe over. Like instead of a crispy slap to the ass cheek, your wrist clumsily thuds on her spine? Thwack! My cyst! Now you got to wipe tapioca off the wall. But I notice weird stuff in bed, too. It’s weird when you get to know a new person sexually, how, like, your mind works really weird. Like, you ever notice non-sexual things in a sexual moment? Like, my girlfriend and I were in bed. I’m laying on my back trying to suck in my stupid gut, and she’s sitting between my legs, and she’s playing with me. Sexy though. I mean, it wasn’t like “errrrhhh. And I don’t know why I noticed that she was jerking me off with her left hand. I don’t know why that registered, and I certainly don’t know why I blurted out “you’re a lefty?” I get so freaked out sexually, man. That’s the source of my greatest insecurity, and I think that’s the truth with most men. Maybe women, too. I don’t know. Um, how much discussion of a person’s past sexual history is appropriate? I mean, like, you know, are guys as a couple? All right. Did you ask her questions about her past sexually? No. You didn’t. Ok. There’s two types of men in the world… Smart men… And dumb motherfuckers. That’s the way to go. Don’t ask shit. See, a lot of guys don’t want to know. They want to think the panties are coming off. That is the pussy coming out of the package for the very first time. You want to blow on it and see those little packing peanuts fly off of it, and I actually made the mistake of asking my girlfriend how big her ex-boyfriend’s dick was. Check ethnicity first. I don’t know why I asked, man. It was so stupid. We’re just talking. I’m like, “well, did your ex have a big dick?” And she goes “why would you ask me that?” Which immediately set off a little alarm because that’s a lot longer than “no.” I’m like, “I don’t know. I’m just curious. Was his dick big?” And she’s like, “yeeaah, but it was kind of uncomfortable. It was like a Pepsi can.” A Pepsi can? “First of all, did you have to be brand loyal? “And second of all, you whore! “How was that only kind of uncomfortable? If there’s a Pepsi can in your pussy, it should hurt a lot!” And she’s like, “well, I don’t know why it bothers you.” Gee, I don’t know, because my nickname isn’t two-liter Jimmy! How do I follow that? How do I ever dominate her sexually again. “Yeah, take it all, and 5 more like it while you’re at it. Lay back, baby. I’m going to fill you with averageness and mediocrity.” A Pepsi can! Red bull I maybe could have accepted, but Pepsi? And the better she tried to make me feel, the more I wanted to kill myself because she was like,” you shouldn’t worry. Yours is nice.” Ughhhh. So’s my grandmother. You don’t want her shoved in your snatch do, you? Nice? Good. The next time I take my dick out, hand it a lemon cookie and pat it on the helmet. Insecurity is so bad sexually because we’ve also got this thing going on… she knows a lot about me, and we both… I’m wearing condoms in this relationship. I’m wearing condoms in the relationship, and it’s not my choice, believe me. I mean, for years, my idea of an AIDS test was to check a girl up and down. “All right. You seem fine. You’re not coughing or tipping over, I’ll fuck you.” But my girlfriend was like, “no. Before we have any “unprotected sex, we are both getting tested. You get tested. I’ll get tested, too.” It’s like stop patronizing me. We both know who the problem is. “Why are you getting tested? “Did you ever go to Brazil and fuck a hooker “without a rubber? I didn’t think so rookie. Have jell-o. I’ll go to the doctor.” Never bring your girlfriend to get your test results because no girl wants to see her boyfriend run out of the doctor’s office screaming, “holy shit! I’m ok! “I don’t know how the fuck that happened. “Statistically, that is a miracle. “I never wore a bag. Ha ha ha ha!” What happened was one night we were sending each other over-the-top dirty text messages, just being silly and playful, like rally dirty things like, “I’m gonna smack your face with my dick and knock your teeth loose.” She wrote that to me! And I think I said something about, like, “I want you to eat my ass until the cows come home, you silly goose.” And I’ve never been big on having my ass eaten. I don’t care about it. Um, if you want to do it, god bless you. It does feel good. Any of you, by the way, male or female, would be lucky to Bury your face in my dumper. It’s this big. There’s not a hair on the little fella. It looks like Charlie Brown’s head split down the middle. And one girl I dated loved to eat my ass. She was a little submissive. I’d put her on her back, and I’d plop my ass on her mouth. I’d say something sexy… “lick.” But one time, I think I had too much weight on her because she started slapping my thigh. It was like the ultimate fighting championship. She was trying to tap out. I didn’t realize she couldn’t breathe! I lifted up, and she was like… I almost killed a girl with my asshole! And I had very mixed feelings. Like, I was glad she was ok, but a part of me was like, “man, that would have been a great story.”     So my girlfriend said to me… We were talking later that night about the text messages, and she goes, “you know the ass eating thing?” I was like, “yeah.” And she’s like, “I would never eat your ass until you got tested for hepatitis.” And it’s like, Jesus Christ, I understand the science of it, but you know I don’t have AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia. So it’s like the front is ok, but the back needs further testing? It just felt really annoying and creepy, so now I am obsessed with her eating my ass, and I got tested for hepatitis. I have nothing. I am completely healthy, you know, thanks to the magic of white-out. The way I’m going to break it to her is she’s gonna walk into my living room one time. I’m gonna have my pants around my ankles and my head on the edge of the sofa with my test results taped to my back. “Read the menu, bitch. Brunch is served.” And we try not to have jealousy in the relationship because jealousy is a motherfucker in a relationship, and I have it worse than she does, but I’ll tell you what freaked her out… the porn awards. And the highlight of the porn awards for me was not seeing the hot chicks. It was meeting different celebrities like Larry flynt. I got to talk to Larry flynt, who got shot… especially with all the shit that’s going on in our country now over political correctness and all this fucking nonsense. He got shot for free speech, man. I tried to have, like, a moment with him. I’m like, “Mr. Flynt, I just want to thank “you for all you’ve done for free speech. “It means a lot to me that you took a bullet and you went to the supreme court.” And I think I moved him on some level, because he’s like, “auuuggghhhhh.” I’m paraphrasing. Then I tipped over his wheelchair and t-bagged him. “Smell those, godless pornographer!” “Auuuggghhhhh.” And of course, the evening would not be complete if I didn’t introduce two of my favorite people in the world, who are responsible for so much of this career… my career. Opie and Anthony, stand up. Opie and Anthony, you two. No. Opie and Anthony, stand up. There you go. There you go. There you go. Yes. Thank you guys so much, and thanks for coming, man. I’m glad you guys are here. Thank you, man. Wouldn’t it be funny if they don’t sign the release, and I have to just blob their heads out? Shit. I got to tell you, too, a really cool sexual experience I had. One of the coolest experiences of my life I had in the 2004 porn awards. It was… I hosted with Jenna Jameson, and after the porn awards, I had a threesome with Ron Jeremy. And a girl, and a girl! It wasn’t Ron and a guy and lucky Jim! Or as I’m now known, the shish kebab kid! And I’ll tell you exactly what happened. My friend Dennis owns the bunny ranch, which is a legal whorehouse in Nevada, which he’s invited me to many times, and I’ve never gone to. Like, I don’t like the idea that it’s legal and fun. If I’m gonna get a hooker, I’m don’t want to be partying on a ranch. I want to be behind a warehouse in Brooklyn for $35. You know, some black girl with arms like Kobe Bryant and a crooked blond wig. “Hi, again, daddy.” All right, all right, all right. But I was so depressed because I was not meeting any girls after the porn awards, so I go up to Dennis’ room, and this is completely the truth. It was the most surreal thing I’d ever seen. I walk into the room, and there is Ron Jeremy fucking a girl on the bed. She’s on her hands and knees, and Ronnie is standing behind her. I walk in. He’s like, “hey, man, how’re you doing?” And I’m like, “all right.” And I can’t see much because he has a long hockey Jersey, but then he pulls all the way out, and there it was. Jesus did I stare. I think I even went, “oooh.” I was cock-struck. I really wanted a picture with it. So he starts fucking her again, and looks at me, and he goes “hey, man. I think she needs a cock in her mouth,” which is my cue. So I look at her to see it it’s ok because you have to confirm that. You can’t just run over and jam your dick in someone’s mouth. You might feel like a silly goose. “What are you doing?” “You look like you needed it.” But she was totally cool. And I’m normally not big on being sexual in a group because I get too nervous, man. For me to keep an erection, everything has to be perfect. You know, “dim the lights, touch my nipples, no talking!” But this is Ron Jeremy. This is like the pope giving mass, saying, “could you come up and help?” All right. It’s not exactly like that. So I take it out. She grabs it, she pops it in her mouth. Ron is fucking her, I am having a real and legitimate threesome with a porn legend, and I’m thinking, “this is great.” Without warning, Ron grabs her hips and goes pow! And she jumps forward, and my life flashes before my eyes. And he sees the look on my face, and he laughs, and he goes, “ha! I did that on purpose. I just wanted to show you the biggest no-no in porn. Whenever you’re having a two-on-one, you never thrust that hard, or you could seriously injure the other guy.” “Thank you.” And then I realize, that’s how you know you have a giant cock, when you can injure another person… Through a third party. If I want to hurt you with my dick, I have to pour tabasco sauce on the helmet and jam it in your eye. And I got to say, I don’t want to end on too political a note. I don’t want to be too political, but I got to say, ladies, please, shave your pussies. Shave them! I hate pubic hair! If I see hair on your pussy, I’ll put tape on it and rip it off myself. Didn’t have time to shave? Then you shouldn’t have had time to eat lobster. Evolution gives us pubic hair so we don’t freeze to death. We have things now like clothing and the indoors, so unless a stegosaurus is licking your twat, pick up a razor, you chimp. It’s getting caught in my teeth. And a lot of times, women don’t get it. They always say things like, “I don’t want to shave it all. It makes me look 12.” Yes! You see, I like things on women that sometimes you don’t even like on yourselves. I find odd things sexy. Like, I like big, dark areolas. I love that. The one that starts at the nipple and ends around the third rib. I love that. Your titties should look like you’re wearing a brown dunce cap. And I like a shaved pussy because I like to see it. I love the way a vagina looks just fucking bare and naked and fucking massive. I like a big pussy, a stack of luncheon meat. I like… unh… a gargoyle, a fucking gargoyle. After we fuck, I want to throw your cunt on top of a library. Fucking big, meaty pussy. When you’re wearing white panties, it should look like Freddie Kruger coming through the wall. Unh. Dangling, long labia. A pussy that resembles a poorly packed suitcase. And I know a lot of girls are going “that’s disgusting.” I’m not talking to you. So take your thin pussy and fucking beat it. Take that little guppy mouth you call a cunt and hit the bricks, sister. I like a big, fat, juicy vagina, and I like a big clit. I want a clit you can see through snow pants. Big, giant lips and a fat clit. It should look like a basset hound wearing a miner’s helmet. Retarded. I want your pussy to look retarded. It should have down syndrome. When your panties come aside, it should just flop out. “Duhhhh.” My girlfriend has a great pussy. Her vagina fucking rules. It’s of the smaller variety, but it’s wet. I’ve never felt a wetter pussy than my girlfriend’s. God love her little soul. The first time I noticed, we were in the car, and, um… And I felt it through her jeans, and I pulled away, and I got, like, that, like… you know that sexy slime you get? Like, it feel like somebody went “achoo.” Like, that sexy… And obviously this is not the sexiest way to put it, but I’m like, “wow. You get wet. And you’re a lefty.” But I’m like, “wow. You get wet.” And she’s like, “yeah. I’ve always been that way.” “Thanks. For a second I thought it was me, but, no, apparently it’s anybody with a hand or a Pepsi.” But, no, apparently it’s anybody with a hand or a Pepsi.” You ever get a squirter? Anybody ever get a squirter? A few guys have. It’s beautiful. There are women that ejaculate when they have an orgasm, and I was, like, 25 before I realized this. When I give head, I like to be on my back. Like, I want one leg there and one leg there. It’s like wearing a pussy iPod. You know, just pbbb. But you got to be careful. When you’re in that position, you are very vulnerable because women are brutal, man. When you’re on your back, she’ll put her palm on your forehead and then just grind over your face. You’re not a human being anymore. Your face is a bumpy thing she’s using to rub her clit on. In her mind, she’s 10, and you’re a horsy in front of the supermarket. Believe me. If you died, she would not notice until she was finished. And you feel stupid, so you try helping. You’re like, “auughh.” You’re like Terri Schiavo eating pussy. “Auughh. Auughh.” And this girl started to have an orgasm. It was like a super soaker. It was like… And I’m like, “gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp.” I have never been more turned on in my life. I just wanted more. I was like, “ahhhhhhh. Rrrrrr.” “Rrrrrr.” And then after it was over, she got self-conscious. She’s like, “that wasn’t piss!” And I realized that it hadn’t occurred to me whether it was or wasn’t! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out. Thank you, guys, very much. Thank you very much. I love you. Thank you. Thank you, and thank you to black sabbath! Thank you to black sabbath."
1686241658-91,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,JIM JEFFERIES E IL CONTROLLO DELLE ARMI IN AMERICA,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-e-il-controllo-della-armi-in-america/,"Il comico australiano Jim Jefferies ridicolizza l’ossessione americana per le armi nel suo speciale BARE Netflix (2014) Ciò di cui parlerò ora dividerà il pubblico. Ah! Controllo delle armi! Ora… Aspettate… non scaldatevi, perché qui c’è gente con la pistola. Quelli contro le armi diranno: “Si’ Jim, forza!” No, dai shhh! Ora, prima di parlarne, voglio dire una cosa: sono per il diritto, da americani, di tenere armi. Non vieterei di tenerle. Quello che dico è solo la mia personale opinione. La mia opinione sul… oh, non importa! Non mi piacciono le armi. Ok? Parlerò solo di fatti. Ok? In Australia una volta potevamo tenerle. Fino al 1996, quando in Australia c’è stata la più grande strage di sempre e che è ancora imbattuta! Ora, dopo aver proibito le armi… Nei 10 anni prima della strage di Port Arthur, ci sono state 10 stragi. Dalla proibizione delle armi nel 1996, non ci sono state stragi. Non so come e perché sia stato possibile. Forse una coincidenza, no? Ora, voglio che sappiate che capisco che Australia e USA hanno popoli e culture differenti. Ok? Capisco. In Australia c’è stata la strage più grande della storia e il Governo ha detto: “Basta! Niente più armi!” E noi: “Ok, bene. Ci sembra giusto!” Ora, in America c’è stata la strage di Sandy Hook, in cui morirono dei bambini piccoli, e il vostro Governo ha detto: “Forse…. “dovremmo sbarazzarci delle armi grandi!” E il 50% di voi ha detto: “Fanculo! Non toccate le mie armi!” È qui che la cosa comincia diventare ambigua, ok? Io appoggio i diritti derivanti dal Secondo Emendamento. Penso dobbiate tenere le vostre armi. È nella Costituzione. Ciò che non condivido sono le motivazioni del cazzo e le bugie. C’è una motivazione sola per tenere un’arma ed è questa: “Fanculo, mi piacciono le armi!” Non è la migliore delle ragioni, ma è l’unica, e non c’è nulla di sbagliato nel dire “Mi piace questo e non toglietemelo!”, ma non ditemi altre cazzate. La principale è: “Mi serve per protezione!” “Devo proteggere me e la mia famiglia!” Davvero? Ecco perché si chiamano fucili d’assalto! Mai sentito parlare di fucili da protezione. Protezione? Di che cazzo stai parlando? Tu… hai una pistola in casa tua. È all’80% più probabile che la utilizzi contro te stesso che contro qualcun altro. La gente pensa: “Non succederà certo a me!” Non lo sapete. Sapete perché? ♪ Di tanto in tanto, tutti diventiamo tristi… ♪ 
 ♪ Un giorno sei felice, poi sei triste e poi… ops! ♪  Protezione? Una volta a Manchester entrarono in casa mia, mi legarono, mi fecero un taglio in testa, minacciarono di violentare la mia ragazza. Erano entrati dalla finestra con un machete e un martello. Gli americani dicono sempre: “Immagina se avessi avuto una pistola”. Io gli direi: “Beh… “Ero nudo in quel momento! “non indossavo la mia fondina. “Non ero li a fissare fuori dalla finestra, “aspettando che arrivasse un coglione col machete”. Ok? Che cazzo di mondo è quello in cui si vive sempre sull’attenti? Cazzo! Avete armi perché vi piacciono. Ecco perché andate alle convention sulle armi o perché leggete riviste sulle armi, non vi frega un cazzo della sicurezza domestica. Nessuno di voi va alle convention sulla sicurezza domestica, nessuno legge riviste come “Amo il mio lucchetto!” Nessuno ha delle foto su Facebook dietro una porta blindata con voi che fate: “Cazzo, si!” Come se foste sempre pronti in caso entrassero in casa vostra. Ad ogni modo, gran parte di quelli che entrano in casa tua vuole solo la tua cazzo di TV. Pensate che entrino a uccidere la tua famiglia? Quanti cazzo di nemici avete? Cristo, avete una gran considerazione di voi se pensate che stiano venendo ad ammazzarvi. Se state sempre sull’attenti, diventa sempre meno sicuro. Se tenete l’arma nel comodino, uno dei vostri bambini la prende, crede sia un giocattolo e spara all’altro vostro bambino. Succede ogni cazzo di giorno. Penserete: “Non succederà mai a casa mia. “Perché io sono responsabile. Tengo la mia pistola “in una cassetta di sicurezza”. Allora non protegge un cazzo! Qualcuno entra in casa tua e tu: “Aspetta qui, faccia di cazzo!” “Ooh! Sei entrato nella casa sbagliata amico mio!” “Sai che ti dico?” “Sei fottuto eh! Ok?” “È 32 a sinistra o 32 a destra?” “Il compleanno di tua madre? “Perché cazzo dovrei sapere quand’è il compleanno di tua madre?” “Forse se non avessi lasciato la finestra aperta “perché c’è troppo caldo, “non ci starebbero per uccidere ora, ok?” Credo che l’NRA sia incorreggibile. Pensano che la soluzione sia sempre “più armi”. Dopo la strage di Sandy Hook, l’NRA disse, e vi cito le esatte parole: “Non sarebbe successo “se gli insegnanti avessero avuto armi!” Io… Credo che si siano dimenticati di come sia la scuola. Qualcuno ricorda le supplenti? Ogni volta che arrivava una supplente tu e i tuoi compagni pensavate: “Oh oh oh! La faremo piangere!” E lei stava li di fronte alla classe con un gesso e la mano tremolante… E voi: “Non si sposerà mai, vero prof.? “Non si sposerà mai!” E tornava alla sua Volkswagen Beetle del 1967 e piangeva sul volante. “Perché non gli piaccio?” “Diamo a questa stronza una pistola e vediamo come cambia la situazione!” E allora dicono: “La soluzione sarebbe: più pistole” e poi: “Mettiamo una guardia armata in ogni scuola d’America. “Funzionerà!” Le guardie in America prendono in media 16 dollari l’ora. Non un granché per fare l’eroe, cazzo! Qualcuno arriva a scuola e… Ma c’è Kevin. Ora, sono sicuro che Kevin è un drago a Call of Duty, ma potrebbe non uscirne vivo, signore e signori. Capisco che con questa battuta, 50% di voi è d’accordo e l’altro 50% non lo è e rispetto le persone che non sono d’accordo, davvero. Del 50% di quelli che non sono d’accordo, il 20% è abbastanza sveglio da capire che è comicità da non prendere sul serio e ride perché sono battute divertenti, ok? E un altro 20% è già un po’ oltre e, guardandosi intorno, pensa: “Perché hanno messo quel lampadario proprio lassù?” Poi… C’è l’ultimo 10%… Sono fottutamente furiosi! Ora, in questa sala e tra la gente a casa il 10% di voi sta bollendo di rabbia per un paio di ragioni: la prima, faccio giuste osservazioni. La seconda: la seconda, questa è la più importante. Sono straniero. E questo vi fa uscire di testa, cazzo! E il vostro cervello è in loop. E non potete spegnerlo, cazzo! Vi ripete: “Se non ti sta bene tornatene a casa! Se non ti sta bene tornatene a casa!” E la mia risposta è: “No”. Sono qui legalmente, pago le tasse, dico quel cazzo che voglio! Il vostro Primo Emendamento dice che posso dire che il Secondo fa schifo al cazzo! A meno che non siate Indiani d’America, siete immigrati anche voi, quindi vaffanculo! Fate così gli splendidi su questo. Capisco che per gli americani la Costituzione sia importantissima. Lo rispetto, ma capite che ogni altro Paese ne ha una e che non è più speciale delle altre costituzioni. Ne abbiamo una anche in Australia. Non so cosa dica… Non l’ho mai letta, ma se c’è un problema la ricontrolliamo e tutto torna a posto. Non fraintendetemi, so che la Costituzione è importante per voi. Io… cazzo, l’ho capito, ok? Delle persone mi hanno affrontato e urlato in faccia in un parcheggio, mentre andavo via dopo lo spettacolo. Dicevano: [imita l’accento americano] “Non puoi cambiare il Secondo Emendamento!” E io: “Certo che si può… “Si chiama emendamento”. Se non si può cambiare un emendamento… Vedete, molti di voi hanno bisogno di un Thesaurus più che di una Costituzione. E se non sapete cos’è un Thesaurus, prendete un dizionario e lavorateci su. Non pensate che la vostra Costituzione sia scolpita nella pietra, l’avete già cambiata varie volte. C’era il proibizionismo prima, no? Poi la gente ha detto: “Ehi! A chi piace sbronzarsi a merda?” “Si, anche a me piace sbronzarmi a merda. “Leviamo quella parte” “Leviamola!” Avevate anche un’altra cosa in America chiamata… schiavitù! Poi arrivò Lincoln e disse: “Basta! “Niente più schiavi!” E il 50% di voi disse: “Fanculo, non toccare i miei schiavi!” E diedero motivazioni del cazzo, simili a quelle sulle armi. “Perché mi dovreste togliere gli schiavi? “Sono un padrone responsabile, “so benissimo come utilizzare i miei schiavi senza rischi. “Solo perché un altro ha trattato male i suoi schiavi, “non vuol dire che dobbiate togliermi il diritto di averli. “Uso i miei schiavi per proteggere la mia famiglia. “Tengo i miei schiavi “chiusi in una cassetta di sicurezza!” Questo è il punto: “Perché mi togliete la pistola? “Non ho fatto nulla di sbagliato!” Senti, sono d’accordo. Se sei un proprietario responsabile e non fai cazzate, dovresti poter tenere la pistola. Ma la nostra società non funziona così. Dobbiamo convivere con quell’1% di persone che incasina tutto, anche agli altri. Dobbiamo progredire lentamente, quanto le persone più lente, per poter mandare avanti la società, ok? Io assumo droghe come un cazzo di campione! Ok? Dovremmo tutti poter assumere delle cazzo di droghe, ma non possiamo, perché Sarah si è strafatta e ha accoltellato i suoi cazzo di figli. Ah! Ah, grazie Sarah, ci hai fottuto tutti! Tutti dovrebbero poter guidare la propria macchina quanto più veloce possibile, ma non possiamo, perché Jonathan si è ubriacato e ha investito una famiglia. Grazie Jonathan! Ora devo guidare a 30 mph, merdoso idiota! Vedete, questo è il punto: “Perché dovete togliermi le armi, sono responsabile. “Solo perché quel tipo è pazzo?” Chi dice che tu non sia pazzo? Succede questo con la gente pazza. Non sanno di essere pazzi. È questo che li rende pazzi! L’unica cosa che sappiamo su questa Terra è: “Penso quindi sono!” Sapete di esistere. Ogni altra cosa è aperta a interpretazioni. Ok? Sapete di esistere e basta. Ora penso di essere a Boston e di parlare a 1200 persone. Credo questo. Ma c’è una grossa possibilità che io sia in un manicomio, di fronte a un muro bianco e che stia dicendo: “Odio le armi! Odio le armi! Odio le armi!” Uno degli argomenti migliori è: “Bene, se ci togliete le armi, allora solo i criminali avranno le armi”. Non è vero! Quando hanno vietato le armi in Australia ha funzionato. Quando l’hanno fatto in Inghilterra ha funzionato. La pistola Bushmaster che il ragazzino ha usato a Sandy Hook costa 1.000 dollari americani e la si può comprare al Walmart, te la spediscono a casa, ed è fatta! 1.000 verdoni, ok? La stessa pistola, in Australia, al mercato nero, costa 34.000 dollari. Ora, se hai 34.000 dollari, non hai bisogno di essere un criminale. Hai 34.000 dollari, sei un gran piccolo risparmiatore, continua così. Questo contrasta i criminali, ma non quelli che vogliono uccidere te e la tua famiglia. Potrebbe anche contrastare i responsabili delle stragi perché… Il ragazzo in Colorado che credeva di essere Joker, diciamo che a livello sociale aveva dei problemini. Al ragazzo di Sandy Hook, l’Asperger se l’era già fottuto. Ok? Non so se conoscete bene il mercato nero, ma non puoi irrompere al molo dicendo: “Pistole!” “Chi mi vuole vendere una pistola?” Ok, basta così, non parliamone più! L’unica cosa che posso capire del diritto a tenere armi è che la vera ragione per cui fu messo nero su bianco era il poter formare una milizia per poter combattere i governi tirannici. In caso il governo fosse diventato una squadra di stronzi, tu potevi tirare fuori la pistola e sparare. Con questo sono d’accordo! Si! Questo aveva dannatamente senso quando c’erano solo moschetti. Ma sapete? I governi hanno i droni! Capito? State portando pistole in una battaglia di droni! Se tornassimo tutti ai moschetti, ok! Teniamo il Secondo Emendamento! Se tutti avessimo moschetti… I moschetti sono fantastici! Ogni stronzo dovrebbe avere con sé un moschetto tutto il giorno. Sapete cosa mi piace dei moschetti? Ti danno un sacco di tempo per darti una calmata! Qualcuno chiama tua moglie “cicciona” e tu: “Fanculo, amico!” “Ah, non sei poi così cattivo!”"
1686242589-326,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,PATTON OSWALT: I LOVE EVERYTHING (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/patton-oswalt-i-love-everything-transcript/,"This is the full transcript of Patton Oswalt: I Love Everything (2020), released on Netflix on May 19, 2020. Patton Oswalt has seen extreme highs and lows in the last few years. The actor and comedian’s first wife, the true-crime writer Michelle McNamara, died in 2016. After that, Oswalt told The New York Times, “I’ll never be at 100 percent again.” A year later, he remarried and delivered a profound stand-up special, “Annihilation.” In “I Love Everything,” Oswalt takes a lighter approach. He discusses finding love again and shares existential anecdotes about buying a house and entering his 50s. One of his discoveries about aging: Breakfast has become dull. He mourns the vibrant cereal boxes displaying animal mascots that he has had to replace with “hospital white” boxes and sad beige bowls. Filmed in September 2019 * * * Denny’s is not the problem in this bit. All right? I love Denny’s. Ladies and gentlemen, Patton Oswalt! Guys, thank you. Thank you. Please, now just… Everyone. Okay. Oh. Pace yourselves. There’s gonna be some trouble spots later, you can’t just use it up now. I’m gonna need you to fake it hard about three-fourths of the way in. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Charlotte, so much for coming out. All of you guys, thank you. Oh, my God. Whoo! Ah. It’s what… You know, I turned 50 this year and it’s not… And it… You know, I’m not upset about it or… I can’t… Look, I can’t wait to be 90. It’s not that I’m sad that I’m 50. I’m just… This is… These next few decades… Let me just go to 90 now. I wanna be 90, and sit in a chair, and do crossword puzzles, and slowly become racist and die. Like that’s… This is all… I’ve done what I need to do, I’m done. You don’t get to sit down when you’re 50. Now, when you turn 50 in 2019, forget it. People are like,”You’re 50! Well, here’s your mountain bike, you silver fox. Let’s get you out there. We got goji berries and alkaline water. You’ll never die.” Like, let me just… Please, God, sit down. And I thought, “Oh, when I turn 50, there’s gonna be some emotional epiphany, or a physical upheaval, some huge change.” Nothing. You know what happened when I was 50? It was Sunday. That’s what happened, and I had to… go to work the next day. There was… Nothing changed. The one… There was one big change. I will give 50 this. There… The one big change for me was, all of a sudden, my breakfast cereal became deadly serious. Like I… Like, overnight. I remember… Recently, my breakfast cereal was fun. The boxes were bright and there words like “sugar” and “pow” and “crisp” in the name. And then there was, like, an animal mascot… screaming next to a bowl, full of colors insulting to nature. Nothing… Nothing in the visual spectrum went into my body in my 20s and 30s. And you turn the box over, and the fun didn’t stop! You turn the box over, and there was a word find or a maze. A maze! “Help Sugar Bat get to his insulin.” And now… all… of… All of my breakfast cereal… First off, the box… is white. Hospital… white. And there’s a beige bowl. A color of beige I like to call… “bargaining beige.” Like, how many bowls of this do I have to eat, so I can have… one Cool Ranch Dorito at three o’clock today? How many? That many? And inside the beige bowl, brown cereal. Not chocolaty brown. Not fudge brown. As brown as the dirt in the grave that awaits you! And there’s no “sugar” or “pow” or “crisp” in the name. The name is very serious. Sorghum Farms. Sorghum Farms… amaranth flakes. And you turn the box over. Is there a word find? Is there a maze? No. But… there is a short novel about the hippie organic cult farm where they’re growing my amaranth flakes. Paragraph after paragraph of everything you never wanted to know about Sorghum Farms. “At Sorghum Farms, we believe in three simple things: farm-to-table eating, locally sourced ingredients, and giving back to the earth three times what we take away. The idea for Sorghum Farms happened outside of a Phish concert in 1990. We were both… selling tie-dye in the parking lot, and we wondered out loud at the same time why our gorp couldn’t be tastier. And that’s when we both said, ‘Jinx, I owe you a kombucha.’ And we bought a little farm upstate that was built in 15…” I’m 50! I can’t have coffee anymore. If you’re gonna make me read the saddest John Cheever short story first thing in the morning, could you put a couple of startling, disturbing sentences in it? They don’t need to be true, just something to jolt me awake, so I can start my day. ‘Cause I’m doing my part. I’m eating cereal that tastes like an unpopular teenager’s poetry. So please… give me… a couple of fucked-up sentences! Sitting there chewing this shit, reading the back of the box. “At Sorghum Farms we believe in three simple things.” Oh, sweetie, they have a manifesto, look at this. “Farm-to-table eating,” okay. “Locally sourced ingredients,” oh, okay. “And the idea that black people can walk through walls when it rains.” Holy shit! Did you… Oh, my God, they’re fucking crazy. Hang on. “Every field of buckwheat we grow is fed by the bodies of three drifters.” Oh, shit! Sweetie, it’s a… Yeah, it’s a murder farm. They’re murdering people. I… Oh, my God. Wow. I gotta go on a hike. I… I have a roomy, fertile torso. This could grow a lot of buckwheat. I don’t wanna end up in Sorghum Farms in the sharing silo. Um… That’s what I do now, by the way. I hike. That’s my thing now, I hike. Hiking is not… my exercise. It’s my activity. Because hiking is not exercise. Hiking is the segue between the actual exercise you did in your 20s and 30s, and then the gentle mall-walking that you’re gonna do… in your 70s and 80s. So that you’ll fit into the tuxedo at the funeral home, ’cause you don’t… You don’t want ’em splitting the back of the jacket open. That’s embarrassing, come on. Let’s die with some dignity. So, what I do everyday… I park my car at the base of a hiking trail, then I walk away from my car… until I eventually… turn around… and walk back to my car. And that’s… That’s what I do. There I am… out there with all the other 50-year-olds, doing our little doom ovals. And if you were to fly a helicopter low over the Earth, you know what you would see? You’d see… people in their 20s gobbling drugs, eating delicious food, having sex. People in their 30s with actual jobs making the world run. People in their 40s… trying to fuck the 20-year-olds. And then us… gentle, surrendered, 50-year-olds, on our little… futility ovals. We got our earbuds in, listening to podcasts. Which are done by… 20-year-olds that nobody wants to fuck. And then… …on the podcasts, 30-year-olds are selling boner pills to the 40-year-olds. And then, way off in the distance, are 60-year-olds vaguely afraid of Muslims. And that’s the world we live in, so… don’t fight that cycle, folks. That’s just how it is. But, every now and then, on the hiking trail, a man or a woman will show up who doesn’t get the program. Hiking is for trudging defeatedly. All right? We’ve all agreed to it. It’s unspoken, but it’s there. But every now and then, somebody’s gotta show up, and they gotta do that weird, extra, show-off-y workout shit. It’s not enough that they’re hiking, they gotta do that urban workout where you turn the environment around you into your gym. You see a tree branch, you jump up and you fucking do pull-ups, yeah! Where you see a park bench, you drop, you do crunches. Grr! Grab a possum and curl it. Everything… Everything is your gym. And the men and women that do this are already gorgeous! I don’t know what… Like, there’s no… There’s not an ounce of fat on them, you see every rib and rivet. I don’t know what fitness level they’re going for. It’s like they’re trying to reach a fitness level I like to call “painful to fuck.” Like, it looks like… They look like it would hurt to fuck them. Like, you’d be so excited. Like, “Look at this physical specimen.” And then, five minutes into it, you’re like, “Oh, I’m basically lying naked on a floor covered in Legos.” I dunno know why I thought this was a… Wow, this is not a good idea. There’s a lot of edges, there’s a lot of… There’s a lot of jutting, things are jutting. Pelvic bones like cheese graters! It’s like I came, but I’m dented. Like, was it worth it? I don’t know. I am nowhere near physically fit, but a woman can look at me and go, “Look at that comfy, old beanbag chair. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna pump that guy full of Cialis, climb on top, think of Idris Elba. No one has to get hurt here. No one’s feelings have to get hurt. Just doing my business.” I’m kidding, we would both think about Idris Elba. Have you seen him? Holy shit! Go for the beanbag chair, is what I’m saying. Ladies, you don’t want some ropy, fitness orc climbing all over you. Probably comes chia seeds and bee pollen. It’s just… Ugh. You know what I come? Fresh Twinkie filling. That’s right! Fresh Twinkie filling! Introduce me to your book club! I can still have sex in my 50s. It happens. There’s more work to it, but it happens. It’s not like it was in… In my 20s, sex was thought and action. That was it. In my 50s, sex is like… my body… It’s like my body is like an understaffed McDonald’s during lunch rush, where there’s like a… There’s a manager, like, “I dunno how we’re gonna get through this. We’ll get through this. It’s not gonna be our proudest moment, okay? We’re not gonna like each other afterward, but it will happen, all right? We got… We have no fish fillets, corporate didn’t send us any milkshake lids, but we’re gonna fucking get through it. If any of you do meth, do it now. I need you to do it now, all right? We’re going to serve these people. There’s going to be some crying in the parking lot afterward.” Know what I’m not doing? I’m not eating enough ancient grains. That’s the problem. I gotta eat ancient grains. All of my… All of my health food brags about ancient grains. They’ve got… Or biblical grains. That’s the other big one. Biblical grains! There’s a company… Food For Life, Ezequiel 4:9. Yeah! Breads and cereals. And their big bragging point is, “All the grains we use were mentioned in the Bible, specifically in Ezequiel 4:9.” That’s their big bragging point. Okay, a few things about… Ezekiel Breads and Cereals. First off, I have enjoyed Ezequiel Breads and Cereals. They’re delicious! They make amazing products. However… being mentioned in the Bible? Not that big of a deal. A lot of things get mentioned in the Bible. Also, I guarantee you those grains were not mentioned in a good context. I don’t know if you read the Bible, but it is torture a-go-go. Every other page it’s a Takashi Miike film going on in there. And I’m sure that something awful was happening near my healthy ancient grains. “And yea, though they pulled Isaac’s head from his body and showed it to his screaming family, the blood dripped from the roughly hewn stump… and landed on the freshly sprouted amaranth, which was… “Okay, you know what? Guys… I’m just trying to make lunch here. Why are we… “As the lusty Saracen soldiers dragged Judith from her wedding bed, their loins engorged with sinful blood, and laid her roughly in a field of buckwheat…” Like… Oh, no! Guys! Can my sandwich not be rape-adjacent? I just… I’m just trying to eat healthy. I don’t want to get subpoenaed. I bought a house. Yeah, I got a new house. You know, anyone who buys a house knows the second you sign that title deed, somebody presses an invisible “everything’s broken” button. Like, the minute… I crossed the “T” in “Oswalt,” it was like, “No hot water! Enjoy.” Fuck. And you gotta get a contractor. A contractor is a man or woman who’s there to fix your shit. They know what to do, they know who to call. But they are also your gateway… to a netherworld… of subcontractors. And subcontractors are men and women who are so beyond damaged… and unable to function in society. And what they’ve done to compensate is, they’ve taken one skill and honed it to superhuman level, so that you have to work with them. It’s like a Suicide Squad for your house. So, you just… You have no choice. Your contractor will come to you and go, “Look, I’m not happy about this either, all right? But we… This guy is the best he is at what he does. We’ve gotta work with him, okay? And before we go any further, I see it, too. There’s a swastika tattoo on his cheek, okay? We all see it. Let me ask you a question. Do you want your wall sconces looking like shit? ‘Cause he’s the best wall sconce guy in the valley. So we gotta use him.” We had to have wallpaper hung, and my contractor said, “I have a wallpaper guy. This dude is Michelangelo. With wallpaper. He’s amazing. He’s a little sketchy. But your wallpaper’s gonna look amazing.” I go, “Okay, well let’s hire him.” So the day came. I go down to the kitchen in the morning, there’s a guy in my kitchen. He’s got two wooden sawhorses, and draped over them, big pieces of wallpaper. He’s putting paste on them. And the guy putting up the wallpaper… I can’t see him, but I can hear him. He’s in the room where the wallpaper is going up. And he’s yelling at the guy with the sawhorses. And he’s going, “Kirby! You got too much paste near the seams, It’s bubbling up. I gotta scrape it. Goddammit, Kirby!” I look at the guy with the sawhorses, and I say, “I assume you’re Kirby.” And the guy at the sawhorses said, “There’s no Kirby.” “My name is Daniel. He’s gonna yell at Kirby all day. But your wallpaper’s gonna look amazing.” Okay. And sure enough, every time I went down, that dude was yelling at Kirby about everything, the glue on the wallpaper, the sizes of the pieces of wallpaper, but, a couple of times, I went down, and he was yelling at Kirby about… existential cosmic shit that nobody could control. Like, I went downstairs at one point, and he was saying, “Two Fleetwood Mac songs in a row on the radio? Goddammit, Kirby!” Like, I couldn’t fi… Is Kirby his assistant? Or God? Like, I don’t know… And the day ended, Daniel packed up his stuff. The wallpaper guy came out of the room for a second and then bolted out of the house. Like, I feel like if I tried to take a picture of him, he either wouldn’t have shown up on my phone… or there would have been a picture of one of those Asian ghost girls, like, pointing at the… You know. I went into the room where the wallpaper was being put up, and the wallpaper looks fucking amazing! So… thank you, Kirby, first off. Thank you. Secondly, we have to have tile put around the fireplace. I can’t wait to meet the tile guy. I just want to hear his story. I’m waiting for the contractor to come by. “All right, dude, I have… a tile guy. This guy is the Da Vinci of wall tiles. He is a… He lives in a bucket in the forest. You have to tie a note to a raven at midnight and let it loose. He’ll eventually get it. When he shows up, let him start working, and don’t say the word ‘celery’ to him or he turns into a murder tornado, okay? But your wall tiles are gonna look amazing.” So… I, uh… Oh, please! I just realized I could totally brag about, like, I made Netflix build me this oval for my hiking bit. Like that… I demanded it. They didn’t. This is what the stage already looked like, but I could go, “Yeah, that’s the kinda power I have. When I have… If I’m doing… They’ll build… I call them up. Yeah, you rolled the red carpet out for Chappelle. I need a fucking oval!” My God, it’s so sad. Oh. I got married again. I got married again. It’s… Not to bum you guys out, but I was very, very resigned to living in the gray. I was… After what I went through a couple of years ago, I was just going to… I’m gonna live in the gray, and I’m just gonna raise my daughter alone and try to put… Focus all the joy and adventure in life on her, and give her that life. I will merely exist. I’m not gonna hit joy again, but that’s fine, I can still exist. That’s okay. And then, I met this poem of a woman who relit the sky, and I just said, “I’m going to run at love again.” If you see love, run at it! Run at love if you see it! Trust me, run at love! But… the one thing that was weird was I was very, very tense and nervous during the wedding. And the reason was… ’cause nothing went wrong. The wedding was perfect, and that made me very… The reason that made me tense and nervous was because, when I was teenager, I worked as a wedding DJ on the weekends. In Northern Virginia, I worked for the last DJ company that still used cassette tapes. Well into the ’90s. Long after CDs had taken over the landscape. Our boss was like, “These tapes sound great. They sound as great as…” These tapes were ten years old. They’d been played 700 times apiece. And he’s like, “It sounds like the band is playing right there.” Yeah, it sure does. It does sound like the band is playing right there, if right there is “they’ve been buried under a mile of rubble.” Yes, it does sound just like they’re right there. But we were the cheapest game in town, so we could underbid everybody. So we got all the shittiest gigs. All of our gigs were shotgun weddings and forced retirements. We were the ambient music… for rage and despair. That is what… we really were. “Hey, did your daughter’s boss at Sam Goody knock her up, and now you want her first dance at your wedding to be ‘Almost Paradise’ sounding like…” ♪ Almost paradise ♪ “That’s right. Our songs’ll match the sound of the scream trapped in your throat, Dad!” So, every weekend was just this parade of horrors. And the other DJs I worked with, these guys in their 30s and 40s who were trying to justify the cul-de-sac that their live was… would lay their bullshit justifications on me, the dipshit teenager in the Chess King suit. They would dump it all on me. And they would say shit like, “You know, Patton, a little bit of, uh, DJ wisdom. A little bit of DJ lore. You might not know this… but, uh… if something goes wrong with the wedding, that means that marriage is solid. A little bit of DJ lore. You might not know that, so… When you think about it, we’re kind of doing a beautiful thing here.” “We’re building the foundations for lifelong romances. That’s what we… That’s what we do here. You could almost say we’re love wizards. We’re love wizards.” And I bought that hook, line, and sinker! So, now I’m at my wedding and nothing’s going wrong. It’s beautiful, and I’m the one guy going, “Should I punch somebody or… I wanna be with her. Should I take my dick out? Or… I don’t know what to do. Like… something should go wrong.” It took me till the reception to go, “What the fuck were they telling me? That was bullshit! There’s no DJ lore! They were just trying to justify the fucking horrible shit that we had to witness every weekend.” All those marriages were… Those marriages didn’t last a month after we did those gigs. We were not love wizards. We were divorce necromancers. That’s what we were. Yeah. We brought fucking acrimony and separation everywhere we went. Oh, the shit I saw at those gigs. I’ve seen… I saw two separate weddings where a groom punched out a best man. Two different ones. I saw a mom projectile vomit during a spotlight dance with her son, at the reception. Projectile vomit! It ruined Cyndi Lauper’s “All Through the Night” for me. I can’t listen to that song. I love that song. She ruined it! And… our caterer was amazing. At our wedding, our caterer was incredible. This little company, Heirloom LA, and he was such an amazing chef. And we were trying all of his food and talking with him about his life story, and then he was like, “I really like you guys, you’re great. You know what I’m gonna do? I wanna talk to you guys and get your story, and then, at the reception, I’m gonna have two specialty cocktails that I will name for each of you, after I hear your life story.” So we talked for a bit, and, sure enough, at the reception, two handcrafted specialty cocktails named for each of us. One of them… was called the Malibu. Because my wife was born and raised in Malibu, California. And the other one was called the Sterling. ‘Cause I grew up in Sterling, Virginia. Now… the Malibu… was a complex flavor palate of light and dark… salty and sweet… bitter and tangy… as mysterious and unknowable… as the sea itself. And the Sterling… was lemonade with vodka in it. I don’t know if you’ve been to Sterling. He nailed it. Oh, my God. Absolutely nailed my hometown. “Hey, how can we get drunk quickly in this Roy Rogers parking lot before school starts?” “I stole some vodka from my dad’s garage. Is that Country Time Lemonade? That’ll kill the taste. Let’s do this.” Let’s do it! Mwah! And now I’m just… Being married is the best! I love it. Although, anyone here, no matter how good of a marriage is that you’re in… You know this. …you will have fucking fights. You will have huge, knock-down, drag-out fights. And a couple of months ago, we had one of those blowouts. And I mean a blowout where the fight ended with both of us… “I don’t wanna listen to your shit anymore! Oh, my God, you’re such a fucking idiot!” And me going, “I don’t wanna listen to your shit!” I’m going on a hike.” That was my… That was my mic drop. “I’m going on a hike.” And she’s like, “Yeah, go on your stupid hike, I don’t care.” Off I went on my hike. “Fucking goddammit, she’s such a fucking idiot.” And then halfway to my hike, it hits me. “Oh, my God. What the fuck are we doing? We blew this up over nothing. This is over nothing. Oh, my God, I gotta go back and apologize. Jesus Christ.” And little did I know that she was home going, “Oh, we blew this up. Oh, my God, I gotta apologize to that dude.” What are we doing?” Now… before I tell you the rest of the story, please keep in mind… that the thing she did next was done with love… and was meant as a romantic gesture. Please, keep those in mind. I’m begging you. She went to where I hike, ’cause she knows where I go hiking, parked her car where I couldn’t see it, wrote a note, left it on my windshield… for me to find when the hike was over. Finished my hike, went, “Oh, there’s a note on my windshield. I open it up. Here’s the note. Verbatim. First line: “Stop.” Space. Second line: “Get out of your car.” Space. Third line: “Walk to the park bench in front of you.” Space. Last line: “I love you.” Now, okay, yes, yes, it ended with “I love you.” That’s very nice. But that was a long, terrifying walk… to “I love you.” Holy shit! That is what a demented hit man leaves on a windshield. I’m reading this thing like, “Oh, God, who did I fight with on Twitter today? Goddammnit! One of these fucking alt-right MAGA assholes found me!” Like looking down at my shirt, with that little red dotthat, like, started creeping up, and… Then I look up and she’s sitting on a park bench 20 yards away from me. I’m like, “Okay, you wrote this.” Ahh! Fucking terrified. And you know what? Just the pacing, forget the words. The pacing is terrifying! That’s the same pacing like when a loved one gets kidnapped. And you get that call, and they’re using the voice changer. That’s the same pacing and syntax they use. Which, in that case… The “I love you” is the scariest part. With the voice changer? You’re like, “Hello?” “Stop.” “Get out of your car. Walk to the park bench in front of you. I love you.” Like, “Oh, what the fuck?” So… I got invited… to the pre… Hang on, let me do that again. Oh, you’ll get to see the behind the scenes making of this. Watch this. Go right back to my starting thing. You ready? Watch this? Okay. I got invited… Holy shit! No, I did get invited to the premiere… of the Han Solo Star Wars movie. I got invited. And not only did I get invited, at the premiere, on Hollywood Boulevard, they built a full-scale Millennium Falcon. Yeah. You could go inside, walk around, get your picture taken sitting in the cockpit. Holy shit. And I got invited. Me! And I couldn’t go. Because it was the same night as my daughter’s second grade art show. And, as if to add insult to injury, her art project… was the shittiest robot I’ve ever seen. It looked like a silver scrotum with a box on top. And it, like… And the expression on the face, I swear to God, was like, “Yeah, it sucks, I know. That’s… Yeah. Dunno what to tell… You’re 2 miles away from the Millennium Falcon, you gotta look at me. Yeah. Yeah, life blows. What are you gonna do?” You know what I did? I did Academy Award-level acting that night. I was like, “Sweetie, this is… this is amazing. You made this? Oh, my God! Is he gonna get up and walk? This is a real robot. Did you make a real robot? Sweetie, wow! This is… Ah! You’re a genius. You really are. You’re blowing me away, sweetie. You really do. You blow me away. Yeah.” I know. I know. If you went back to the summer of 1977, walked up to eight-year-old me, just came out of Star Wars, mind blown, and you were like, “Patton, someday, they’re going to make a movie just about Han Solo, and you’re gonna be invited to the premiere. And, at the premiere, there’s gonna be a full-size Millennium Falcon. You’ll be able to walk around inside of it, sit in the cockpit, get your picture taken. But you’re not gonna be able to go. ‘Cause you’ll have to go to your daughter’s second grade art show.” I know for a fact that I would have said, “I get to fuck a lady someday?” Like, I would have been… so cool with it. “Yeah, great!” I’ll see you later. I don’t give a shit. Look, I’m just… I don’t really have any current event stuff or… I don’t have any Trump material is what I’m saying. I don’t… There’s no… What is the… What is the point at this point? What is the point? The people… The people that hate Trump, hate him. The people that still like him, they’re lost. So, what is… What happens… if I do a bit that no one’s gonna… “Oh, okay.” Doing a bit about Trump thinking you’re gonna effect change is like doing a bit, like, to the Manson followers, basically. Like, just… And hoping that they’ll go, “Oh, that was a clever joke. Yeah, he is kinda crazy, huh?” All my friends who told me, “Oh, man, you comedians… If Trump gets elected, it’s going to be Christmas everyday for you guys.” Let me tell you what it’s like… being a comedian… while Trump is the president. The Trump presidency… is an 18-wheeler… full of monkeys and PCP. And… it has crashed… into a train full of diarrhea. And now… there’s diarrhea-covered monkeys on PCP running around. And everyone’s watching it like, “Holy shit, look at this.” And then you, as a comedian, walk up and go, “Hey, wanna hear a joke I wrote about this?” You’re like, “No, we’re good, dude. I’m fine. I mean, Jesus, look at all this. You can take a break. Oh, my God. Wow.” I mean, I wanna be socially conscious, but… Right now, being a comedian is like being the MC in Cabaret, if you know what I mean. Not a lot of bright spots. Although I will say, for me, one of the bright spots for me is the whole #MeToo movement. That is a big bright spot, and the reason is, um… Actually, this shouldn’t be the reason, but it is. It’s ’cause I’m the father of a daughter. Although it should be ’cause I’m a fucking human being, but I’m still happy that it’s happening. The one… The one thing that’s kinda shitty about Me, Too, for me, is it’s really put into perspective what an amateur perv I am. Like, I… always thought that I was on the bleeding edge of depravity and… And then I’m reading all these Me, Too reports, and I’m just like, “I’m just a fucking bowl of vanilla ice cream.” Like, this is… No toppings! And apparently… A lot of these reports… It’s not just one or two guys. There’s a lot of guys whose very specific kink is jerking off to women that openly don’t want them jerking off to them. Which… That level of self-esteem and confidence I can only dream of, because you know, like… You know how shitty you’re going to look doing it. Like, even if you… And I’ve had… I’ve literally had friends of mine that are not my friends anymore that have said, “These guys all got consent, man.” Okay, maybe they did get consent. First off, I guarantee you the consent didn’t look like, “Yeah!” It… If they got consent, it looked like, “Just… Make it quick, right? It’ll be quick? You’ll be done quick, right?” But then, even if you get consent, you know… There’s no cool way to jerk off in front of… There’s no Fonzie way to, like, jerk… Like, “Are you… Is that consent? Are you okay? Great. Let me just lean in this doorway, with the city skyline behind me at sunset, cigarette in my mouth. I’m just going to put Roxy Music’s “Avalon” on, and then… just Jimi Hendrix my way to climax.” Like, no, you… You’re not gonna look like that. You’re going to look like an orangutan hunched over in a blizzard. Just, “Ahh!” Like, there’s no, like… You will look terrible. Like, she’s not… There’s not gonna be an Anaïs Nin diary entry about you afterward. “And then when I saw his come dribble across his sad knuckles, I knew I had met my matador.” Like, no, it’s just… It’s gonna be… But they fucking… They go ahead and do it. What the fuck? I’ve been jerking off, and I’ve caught myself in the mirror and gone, “Oh, fuck! I’m sorry! Oh!” Ahh! Ahh! Write an email to myself later. “I want to apologize for that. That is not who I am. I need to…” That’s their thing! And the other thing that confuses me is… there’s porn for everything. So was there porn for this… and I just missed it? Like, was there porn for jerking off to the unwilling all these years… and it just was off my radar? Like, were there 900 numbers where it’s like, “Our hottest operators… are just trying to get to the copier machine.” “Ooh, but you’re blocking the hallway, aren’t you, stud?” “Call 1-900-Just-Finish-Already.” Or videotape series in the ’80s… “Faces of disapproval, one through nine.” “Asian faces of disapproval.” “Barely legal faces of disapproval.” There are hipsters who are like, “I’m old school, man. I like the print magazine. That’s my thing. Did you see the latest issue of Nope? Ahh. Mwah. The centerfold, she’s checking her e-mail and rolling her eyes. I came twice before I got my pants off, man. I subscribe to Nope, Fine, Whatever, and I used to subscribe to… but… They went a little neocon in the ’80s. I had to cancel my subscription.” I have a theory about Jesus. I… I’ve tried so hard to think of a segue for that. There’s just nothing. There’s no… Trust me, I tried. Yeah, can you… “You know who didn’t jerk off in front of people?” No, there’s no… It does not work. I’m still an atheist, but… I think that Jesus existed. And I have a theory about him, which I absolutely cannot support. My theory is… Jesus existed, but he was also about 15 or 20 different people. Then, over the centuries, it got boiled down to one person when people told stories about it: Jesus. And one of the things I have to back this theory up is… I’m 30 years outside of high school at this point. And the five or six cool guys I knew in high school, I had boiled down into one guy… named Craig because… when I’m telling a story about high school, no one gives a shit about… I’m just making a point about something. So I boil it all down to Craig. Craig had great weed, Craig played me Pink Floyd’s The Wall for the first time. It doesn’t… No one gives a shit. Just… “Fine, Craig, got it.” The person is not important, it’s the story. Now, Jesus… This is thousands of years. And people also forget biblical times were horrible. Way worse than medieval times, way worse than the Dark Ages. Biblical times were a frigging nightmare. It was the… Might makes right, no rule of law. People just… You fell down the street, people hit you with a rock and took your stuff. Other people watched it and went, “Yeah, you shouldn’t have fallen down, I guess. Yeah. Life’s horrible. There you go.” And then… just as an evolutionary leap, which, to me, is just as amazing as miracles and magic, random people… more enlightened, advanced people, just started going, “Hey, what if I wasn’t a raging douchebag all the time? Like, what would happen?” And the first time they did that to people, it melted their minds! They had no frame of reference for it, they had no way to describe it, and that turned into stories of superpowers and miracles. They had no other way to describe it. Somebody’s starving to death… Back then, someone would starve to death, you’d stand in front of him, with food. “Wow, I have food, and you’re starving. What are you gonna do, you know?” And then feed the rest to an animal and watch the guy die, and then… But some random person went, “I can’t finish this. How about you have it so you don’t die?” And the person you gave it to… Like… no way to describe. He’d never seen anything like that before, and that turned into… “You… You’re not… There was, like, 5,000 people, and one piece of bread and fish. And everyone had food. It was crazy!” Or, like, Jesus was always driving demons out of people. Well, that was… Somebody was sad or depressed, and, back then, if someone was sad or depressed, you threw rocks at ’em until they jumped off a cliff and died. And you went, “He was sad, now he’s dead.” And then you look at the camera and go, “Biblical times. What are you gonna do?” And, instead, somebody came up and was like, “Hey, what’s wrong? I’ll listen to you. Talk to me. Maybe we can work this out.” “I was full of demons, and all these demons… The guy chased all the demons away.” A guy made you feel better. Which, better… But, look, there’s been… I’ve had sessions with my therapist where I have been so fucking depressed and horrible, and he’s talked me off the ledge. If he told me afterwards, “There were actually 3 demons in you and I scared ’em away.” I’m like, “Fine, whatever works. I’ll take it. That’s great, yeah. Demons, got it. Thanks, doc.” And raising people from the dead? That was immediate… I mean, there was… A guy fell down. In the street. Another guy starts walking towards him, the guy on the street was like, “Well, here comes my murder. I shouldn’t have fallen down. Time for me to get murdered.” That happened. Everyone was used to that. “I fell. Gonna get hit with a rock. He’s gonna take my stuff.” Instead the guy who walked up was like, “Give me your arm. I’ll help you up.” And the guy, as he pulled him up, he was like… That one, he just immediately turned to his friends and was like, “I was just dead. I was just dead.” Technically, he was. In his mind, he was dead. That’s what happened. You fall down, you die. “I was just dead, and I’m lying in the street. This guy starts walking up to me. I’m like, ‘I’m just gonna get murdered near this amaranth, ‘ and, instead, he… grabbed my arm and he pulled me up, and he brought me back from the dead. He already left. I forget his name. It’s Jesus, or Kirby, or something. I don’t know, but…” “…it was amazing.'”     I’m going to leave you guys with this. Holy shit. What a fucking great crowd you are. Oh, my God, thank you! Thanks, guys. So… I still travel sometimes, on the weekends, to do stand-up. I love doing this. But I’m torn because I also love hanging out with my daughter. She’s ten, she’s awesome. I wanna have as many daddy-daughter days as I can before she’s a teenager and is like, “Your music sucks.” So, I want to hang out with her. And I was home a few weekends ago, and I was like, “Hey, I’m gonna be home. Tomorrow, when you wake up, it’s daddy-daughter day. You call the day. Anything you want, we’re gonna do. Daddy-daughter day.” So, next morning, she wakes up, wakes me, “Daddy, it’s daddy-daughter day.” I go, “What do you wanna do?” “Let’s make breakfast.” I made her breakfast. “What do you wanna do?” “I wanna go on the trampoline.” We went on the trampoline. “What do you wanna do now?” “I wanna do a jigsaw puzzle.” We did a jigsaw puzzle. “What do you wanna do now?” “I wanna read Harry Potter”. We read a chapter of Harry Potter. Now, it’s getting to be near noon. And I go, “Are you hungry? Do you want some lunch?” She goes, “Yeah, I want some lunch.” I said, “How about we go out to lunch?” She went, “Oh, my God!” I said, “Where do you wanna go?” And she immediately said, “Denny’s!” Because Denny’s is a destination restaurant when you’re 10 years old. Kids love Denny’s. Now, hang on. Stop. I know a lot of you are going, “Oh, he’s gonna make fun of Denny’s now for ten minutes.” Denny’s is not the problem in this bit, all right? I love Denny’s. Denny’s knows who they are, they know the space they take up in the universe. They are more self-actualized than any of us will ever be. They know what they are. I am the problem in this bit. ‘Cause I’m about to make a huge fuck-up. See if you can catch it. My daughter and I are driving to Denny’s. I go, “Sweetie, we’ll go to Denny’s, we’ll pop in, we’ll grab some lunch, we’ll pop back out, we’ll go play basketball at Beaman Park.” Oh, did you catch my fuck-up? You do not… pop into Denny’s, grab food, and then pop back out because you have someplace to be. Denny’s is where you end up… after a series… of bad decisions… and catastrophic twists of fate. That’s why Denny’s is there. And the whole operating procedure of Denny’s fits that event. You walk into Denny’s. Hostess meets you. No words are exchanged. She takes you to your booth, leaves you a glass of iced water, ’cause this could be day three. Gotta hydrate. She walks away for 20 minutes, leaves you alone. You appreciate that 20 minutes. You’re sitting there going, “Okay, well… not being chased right now, so let’s go through this. How many moves do I have left? Oh, my God, how did you fuck this up? Oh, my God.” Twenty minutes later, she comes back with a cup of coffee. You didn’t order it. She knows you need it. ‘Cause you’re hydrated. Now, it’s time to caffeinate. And plan your revenge. Sitting there and… “Tell me I’m extraneous. I’ll fucking burn that whole goddamn building down, I’ll show you who’s fucking extraneous. Bunch of assholes.” Twenty minutes later, she comes back. So, now, it’s been 40 minutes. But she comes back now with the menu. And everything on the Denny’s menu… There’s a picture of the food next to the description. That way you can order like this: “Fucking people are just riding me every goddamn… That. I’ll fucking kill… these fucking assholes… Motherfuckers.” Meanwhile, over at my table, I came in like an asshole. “Hey, she’s gonna get mac and cheese, steamed broccoli and some apple slices. I’m gonna get the Fit Slam breakfast and a cup of decaf, thanks.” And the waitress looked at me, like, “I don’t know what is going on here, I don’t know if you know where you are. Maybe this is, like, a weird custody thing going on and you’re… you’re trying to get to the state line or something. Maybe you better sit, have your iced water, think it through. You’ll appreciate it later. Everyone we’ve ever served quickly goes down in a hail of bullets. Just take time, think this shit through, all right? Sit, have your water, have your coffee.” So, I’m sitting there for 20 minutes with my water, my daughter’s happy as a clam. She has the kids menu. There’s word finds and mazes on it. She’s having a lot of fun. And I had time to look at the kids menu and see that… even the kids menu is all about preparing kids for that desperate 3:00 a.m., no-sleep-for-a-week Nick Cave-murder-song life… that we’re all heading for. Because they have these four little kiddie characters. They’re called the Grand Slams. These are real characters that Denny’s has on their kids menu. Little anthropomorphic breakfast foods. There’s a fried egg, there’s a pancake, there’s a strip of bacon, and there’s a sausage link. The fried egg, and I’m not making any kind of judgment… is a prostitute. Sorry. She’s a prostitute. She has way too much eye makeup on, her mouth is this kind of brave, broken little smile. Like, “I’m just… I’m out here. I’m trying, goddamnit. Okay? I didn’t ask for this. I was a golden yolk, and they dropped me into the skillet of life. And you know what? I’m proud of what I am, and I’m doing my best, okay? Don’t goddamn judge me.” And I, again… I had 40 minutes with these characters. I worked out back stories, and… relationships for all of them. The fried egg is a prostitute. The pancake is her son, and… I’m not going to put a name to it. But something’s wrong with the pancake, all right? I’m not gonna say what it is, but his eyes are a little close together. Go look at him. His eyes are close together, his smile is way too big, like he’s just not aware of a lot of the horror around him. You know what? How do I put this? Um… God gave him a curse and a gift. Does that make sense? All right. So… So, that’s her son. She’s doing what she can to raise him. All right? The bacon is the pancake’s dad. He’s not married to the fried egg. He doesn’t hate her. They’re just not married. And the economy, it’s all post-capitalism. Everything’s collapsing. He has to go wherever the work is. So, he’s like, “I got a job on an oil rig for eight months. It’s high-risk pay. I’ll send back whatever I can. They’re gonna take a big chunk out of my room and board, You know, but just do what you can while I’m gone to raise the kid. Okay? Do what you can.” When he says that to her, “Do what you can,” he knows she’s hooking. All right? And he’s not judging her, okay? They’re all struggling. He’s out in the North Atlantic… getting the last of the crude oil out of the earth. It’s all… It’s all gonna collapse. But, goddamnit, he’s gonna try to help that pancake. And the sausage… is the fried egg’s regular customer, okay? They… He… He… and the… Look… he and the strip of bacon served together in Desert Storm, and they’re kinda… It’s sort of… And he’s in the… Look… He’s in a shitty marriage, okay? He’s not… He married some hash browns. They’re not part of the Grand Slams. She didn’t wanna be a part of it. She’s got a lot of problems. And you look at him, like… He’s very sweaty and, like, “Hey.” You know what I mean? He always looks like he’s kinda going, “Come on. My wife is at her Zumba class for the next hour. We have an hour. Can I come by for, like, an hour and…” And then she’s gotta tell the pancake, like, “Hey, Mommy’s friend’s gonna come over, and, uh… why don’t you go… go play with your PAW Patrol toys for a while. Can you do that? Can you play with your PAW… Oh, go work on your spelling. Go do a couple of your spelling sheets, okay? Mommy’s gonna be with her friend and then, afterward, how about we’ll go get some ice cream? Okay? I’ll have money to get some ice cream. You wanna go do that? But you gotta go… You gotta play with your PAW Patrol toys, do your spelling. Go work on your spelling, and don’t bother Mommy for the next hour, okay? Okay? Go work on your spelling. Go do your spelling. Okay.” The pancake is 32 years old, by the way. I don’t know if I mentioned that. It’s… Look, there’s a lot… They’re… She’s doing her best, god damn it! Denny’s has to put the calorie amounts on all their food. And God bless Denny’s. They’re like, “I don’t think you wanna hear this, but we’ll tell you. I’m not gonna… I got nothing to hide, but do you wanna hear… You gonna… You’re not gonna leave this alone, huh? Okay. Ready? Healthy grain pancakes, 1,200 calories. That’s right. Day and a half worth of calories on one plate. I dunno what to tell you. Yes, that’s before syrup and butter.” The Denny’s menu is the caloric equivalent of going, “Fine, I fucked your brother, okay? Is that what you want to hear? I fucked your brother. There. Did everyone hear that? I fucked his brother. All right? Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.” And, on the kids menu, the mac and cheese… You know what the picture for the mac and cheese is? A box of Kraft macaroni and cheese! They’re not even hiding it. “Yeah, we’ll go make… We’ll open a box of Kraft mac and cheese for you and make it. Yeah, it’s 89 cents if you made it at home, four bucks here. There you go. And we’ll charge you four dollars. Eighty-nine cents if you had it at home. But you probably can’t go home, can you? Mmm, no. Probably can’t. There’s people there waiting to talk to you, right? A lot of shit missing around the office? Okay. How about you have some carbs and get your story straight? You’ll… You’ll thank us later.” They brought my cup of decaf out. On the cup, Denny’s logo… and the Denny’s slogan. And the slogan was… “It’s always sunny at Denny’s.” Period. Not exclamation point. Not “It’s always sunny at Denny’s!” Nope, that’s the wrong read. You’re not going to get the part. Look at the script again. This is the right read. It’s always sunny at Denny’s. I wanna do a commercial for Denny’s… so badly. I wanna… I wanna direct it, I wanna star in it. I have the perfect commercial. It will land with their demographic so hard. Thirty-second commercial, all right? I’m sitting in a booth, got my coffee cup, staring out the window. Right? It’s raining. And from the light coming in, it’s either dawn… or dusk. I’ve either been up all night, or I’m about to be up all night. Thirty-second commercial. First 28 seconds, I don’t say anything. I just stare out the window. Then, in the last two seconds, I bring my cup up, and you can barely hear me say, “It’s always sunny at Denny’s.” Thank you, Charlotte! Thank you so much! Oh, my God! Thank you, guys. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you so much, all of you. Good night! Thank you so much for watching. And, as a little bonus, my friend, Bob Rubin, huge influence on me, huge influence on a lot of comedians you love, has shot a special, and I’ve added it to mine. So, if you just stay where you are, his special is about to start. He is a genius. He’s crazy. Watch the first five minutes of his special. I guarantee, you are going to be hooked. Bob Rubin. It’s starting in a second. Thank you, guys, so much. And thank you, Charlotte!"
1686242064-194,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Bill Burr: The Philadelphia Incident (2006) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-the-philadelphia-incident-2006-transcript/,"NEW! 
 The full transcript of Bill’s monologue at the SNL is now available here In 2006 Bill Burr and many of the regular comedians of The Opie & Anthony Show were on The Traveling Virus Comedy Tour, hitting large venues around the nation. Things went south when the tour came to the Philadelphia. From the jump, the unruly Philly crowd set the tone of the night by booing the first comedian off the stage and then proceeded to give hell to all other comedians on the bill.
 When the artist before him was booed off the stage, Burr decided to go on the offensive. Burr then spent his 12 minute set picking apart every thing about the city from its food, its sports teams, its icons, all while receiving boos from the audience. However, Burr would not let the crowd get him like they did the previous acts and kept hammering the audience until some started to turn in his favor. By the time the 12 minute set (which Burr counted down every passing minute) was over, much of the crowd gave the comedian a standing ovation. Partly because he was actually quite funny and partly because he made it through the gauntlet and didn’t back down. That night Burr became the tamer of unruly audiences and earned an incredible amount of respect from comedians and working class audiences that now adore him. * * * [crowd boos] Oh Fuck all you people you ya know what you fucking losers, I hope you all fucking die, and I hope those fucking Eagles never win the Superbowl. Go fuck yourselves.
 [boos]
 Fuck all you motherfuckers and fuck the Flyers. Fuck all of you. Bunch of goddamn fucking losers. Booing Dom Irerra. Suck a dick. All of you. Suck a fuckin dick How’s that? Yo – I’m seguewaying into my next joke. You can all lick my fucking red nuts. All of yas…can line up with your Harold Carmichael fuckin jerseys, and one at a time you can all suck my dick. City of Brotherly Love. You bunch of fuckin cocks. Fucking goddamn losers. 52 fuckin hours into a show. What the fuck am I gonna do at this point. You people are on goddamn acid. Fuckin be up here talking about Hitler. That aint’ gonna work. What do you want me to talk about. Say it. Throw out some topics Let’s talk about heart disease, something you’re all gonna fuckin die of. And I’m gonna laugh at your fucking funerals which is gonna be great. You’re all gonna get fuckin cancer which is fantastic because all your fucking heads are shaved anyway no one’s even gonna notice. You’re gonna get fired for coming to work too late cause they’re not gonna notice that you have fucking bone marrow cancer. The only thing that’s gonna give it away is me laughing at you in the fucking background. You fucking bunch of losers with your fucking cellphone pictures Fucking suck a dick. Fucking assholes. 11 more minutes of this I hope you all get in your Ford Focuses and fucking drive off the side of that faggot ass Ben Franklin bridge. You fucking one bridge having piece of shit city that no one gives a fuck about. The terrorists will never bomb you people ‘cause you’re fucking worthless and no one cares about you. You are this high above New Orleans. No one gives a shit. FEMA would never show up for you fuckin’ assholes. I hope your mother has herpes in the center of her asshole and you go home tonight and lick it and get it on your tongue and some other horrific shit happens that involves cancer – all of you. 11 minutes left. I hope somebody takes a fuckin beer stein and just slaps you in the back of your zit infested fucking shoulders and your awful man tits hang. I hope that happens to you. I hope the glass gets fuckin into your fuckin shoulder blades and then I see you afterwards “Hey how’s it going” [simulates slapping a good friend in the back] Enjoy the fuckin show? That’s great. I’d grab you buy the fuckin hair but you don’t have any. Does it really have to come to this people? Does it really have to come to this? I really hope all of you run into all those black people that you love so much here in Camden. I really hope that happens. I hope there’s a line of all of you guys getting fuckin car jacked and they take out their big black dicks and they just shove them right in your fucking mouths. Each and every one of you and somehow they just keep repeatedly cumming right in your fucking eyeballs, so that it builds up so much that your eyes fucking crust over. You can’t see shit. Somehow there’s another dick in there for you to suck. 10 minutes left. [CHEERS] What do you want? Is this what you want? Bunch of fucking losers. Fucking Rocky is your hero. The whole pride of your city is built around a fuckin guy who doesn’t even exist. You got fuckin Joe Frazier is from there but he’s black so you can’t fuckin deal with him, so you make a fucking statue for some 3 ft fuckin Italian you stupid philly cheese-eatin fucking jackasses. I hope the cheese melts your faces off. All of you collectively SUCK a FUCKIN DICK. Fuckin boo me 9 hrs. into a fuckin show. You and your fuckin Donovan McNabb shirt. I hope he snaps both his fuckin ankles the first goddamn game. I hope you go 0-15. I SAID SUCK A DICK 8 MINUTES left. 8 fuckin minutes left. The Flyers. Do they even fuckin exist anymore? Bunch of goddamn pansies. Never won shit, since fuckin Gerald Ford was in office. Why don’t ya just get the fuckin Ice Capades down there you assholes. You probably won’t even notice the fuckin difference. That fuckin pussy team. Remember that had that whole season when they wore the slacks. You bunch of faggots. What else what else. I got your mothers. 8 Minutes I’m doin it all. I’m fuckin standing here. I broke the mic stand. I have a little fuckin cane now. I’m gonna be the little observational comedian here. What’s that sir? What do you have to say sir? Never passed the fuckin 8th grade. What brilliant shit are you gonna fuckin tell me? Go back to the dock and unload some shit. Fucking warehouse working, weed smoking, fucking disappointment to your mother. 7 MINUTES left. 7 Mother fucking minutes left. And I’m doin ALL FUCKING SEVEN. You fucking assholes. Fucking standing backstage for 3 hours to get booed by this GED fuckin stupid-ass piece of shit fuckin crowd. Bunch of fucking losers. I hope your fucking radios fall on your heads tomorrow. Fucking antennas go right in your fucking ears. Fall out of one of those piece of shit buildings. Fuck all of you and fuck the liberty bell, and shove it up Ben Franklin’s ass. What do you think about that? All of you mother fuckers. I hope that bridge collapses onto your pathetic lives. Go fuck yourselves. 6 Minutes left and I will be selling my CD after this shit you mother fuckers [CHEERS] and the only way one you’re getting one is if I throw one at your fuckin stupid heads. Bunch of racist fucking morons. Look at this. What are you taking a picture of E-Rock? Huh? This is right here is the theme of my set – a broken mic stand.     What’s left, the Phillies that faggot ass team named named after a female horse. Bunch of pussies. You won one fucking world series since 1880. Suck a dick. Bring Tug McGraw back from the dead you fucking jackasses. Maybe you’ll win another one. It aint’ ever happening. It ain’t ever fuckin happen. With your red candy-striped faggot fuckin uniforms. Your team should be selling cotton candy in the fucking instructional league. You have a soccer team? That’s all I got left. Huh. You got a fuckin ping pong team? Some other shit-assed team that’s never gonna win a championship. You haven’t won a SuperBowl since they had facemasks. You fuckin jackasses. Roman Gabriel running around without a fuckin helmet. Oh suck a dick. Who’s he your dad or something? You don’t know who the fuck he is. I had to buy a fuckin shirt for this shit. Went to the Banana Republic, picked a 20 dollar shirt off the rack. This gotta be fucking ridiculous. Getting booed by people sittin in the fucking grass. Goddamn lawn seats. Fun isn’t it. It’s great. I should get fucking paid right now people. I’m getting paid to shit all over you guys and your stupid fucking rock t-shirts of bands that no one gives a fuck about. 4 MINUTES LEFT. Your fucking Rush T-Shirts that say I beat the shit out of my girlfriends. That felt great. That I really feel great. I wanna thank you guys for having me. You guys were phenomenal [Crowd Cheers] Oh no.. I got 4 minutes left. 4 minutes left To fuckin talk about you CUNTS. That’s not bad 12 minute rant. That’s the first time I said cunt. That’s a fucking record. I’m gonna finish my set by takin this mic stand base like a fuckin disc. I hope I hit a baby in the fuckin head. The one fuckin kid that would actually go to college in this fucking crowd. What’s that sir? Dave Chappelle. Yes. He’s not here. I wish I was on his fuckin tour right now. Maybe I wouldn’t have a bunch of cunts not fuckin paying attention 4 hours into a goddamn show. 3 FUCKIN MINUTES LEFT. 3 minutes left of this motherfuckin tirade. What’s that? Sir why are you screaming? You’re in the front row, you dumb fuck. God I hope mass aids, full blown, like fuckin you get weak as you walk to your fuckin car and you just pass out and they just find you next to your ’83 Fucking Monte Carlo with gravel imbedded into the fuckin side of your bald ass fuckin head. [someone offstage interjects] What about not fucking interrupting me you jackass. Play the fucking records. I’m fucking trying to deal with this bullshit. Jesus Christ the goddamn people on this show are givin me shit. So anyways back to the joke. So I got a computer recently people.. . [CROWD GOES NUTS] Fuckin Motherfuckers. 2 MINUTES LEFT. The last two minutes is gonna be my rider for the rest of this fucking tour. I got one first. I do 3 minutes. That’s’ it I come out here with a fuckin gun right. That’s what I do. I come out here with a fuckin gun, hollow tip bullets, and I just start fuckin shooting people. OK. Everyone’s chained to their fuckin chairs and just start blowing your fucking brains out. Just one after another. 2 to the back of the head. I just blow all your fuckin brains out. I would really enjoy blowing everbody’s fucking brains out. The next day somebody’s mopping up the 3 pounds of fucking brains that are actually left in this goddamn crowd. 1 MINUTE LEFT IN THE PERIOD. [cheers] Listen. This doesn’t change anything. I still fuckin hate you people. I hate this fuckin city. I hate the way you eat with your little shitty ass subway. Why don’t you fucking build something for Joe Frazier. You all gonna go see Rocky 19. Dude I think he can win! Alright listen I’m out of time. You guys were here man. Thank you very much. All of you go fuck yourselves in your own assholes. Have a good night. Original source: https://www.wackbag.com/threads/bill-burr-tirade-a-transcript.51531/"
1686241339-10,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Eddie Murphy: Delirious (1983) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-murphy-delirious-full-transcript/,"Filmed on August 17, 1983 at DAR Constitution Hall in Washington D.C. Ladies and gentlemen! Eddie Murphy! Thank you. Thank you so much. Two times, far two times. Before I even get started how about a big round of applause for the Bus Boys. There’s some rules, I got some rules when I show down and I do my standup, I got rules and shit. F a g g o t s aren’t allowed to look at my ass while I’m on stage! That’s why I keep moving while I’m up here. You don’t know where the f a g g o t section is, you gotta keep movin’. So if they do see it, quick, you switch, they don’t get no long stares at your shit… …so that their imagination is flowing about my… I know when you’re looking, ‘cos my ass starts to get hot. I’m afraid of gay people. Petrified. I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood and find out that Mr. T is a f a g g o t. Really, and he’d be walking up to people going: “Hey, boy ! Hey, boy !”
 “You look mighty cute in them jeans !”
 “Now come on over here, and fuck me up the ass !”
 “I’m gonna bend over now!”
 “Hey, boy, slow down ! You’re gonna miss the round, and come too fast !”
 “You make me get get mad I clench up my buttcheeks and rip your dick off!” You know who would be a funny f a g g o t? Ralph Kramden and Ed Norton! Ralph Kramden leaning out the window and: “Norton! Come on down, I wanna show you somethin’!” “Ralphie-boy, whaddaya say there pal of mine ?” “You know Norton, I’ve been watching you. And I know you’ve been watching me. You watch me! I know!” “So, Ralph, what are you gettin’ at?” “Norton, my friend! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?” “I know you wanna fuck me, Norton!” “And you know that I know that you know that I know that you wanna fuck me!” “Now I’m gonna bend over, and when I do, start fuckin’!” “Here I go!” “Way to go there, Ralphie-boy!” I kid the homosexuals a lot, ‘cos they’re homosexuals. I fuck with everybody. I don’t give a fuck if they’re… Just like I’m… I don’t mean anything by it. You can hang out with a gay person. Them guys don’t feel, you know, alienated, like, gay people, ‘cos they’re gay. You can play tennis with a gay person. Really! Just after the game you say: “I’m gonna get a beer, what’s you gonna do?” “I think I’m gonna suck some guy’s dick.” “Well, I’ll see you later!” “You go suck that dick, I’m gonna have the beer.” Ladies are hip to it too. Ladies be hanging out with gay people. Ladies say: “Gay men are the best friends I have!” “‘cos they don’t want anything from you, you don’t want anything from them, you just hang out, you can be with them and get fun and just talk to them and all that bullshit, maybe hanging out with them. You know what’s really scary about it? That new AIDS shit. AIDS is scary ‘cos it kills motherfuckers, AIDS! That ain’t like the good ol’ days when venereal disease was simple. In the good old days, you got gonorrhea, you dick hurt, go get a shot, cleared right up. Then they came out with herpes, you keep that shit forever like luggage. And now they got AIDS, that just kills motherfuckers. I say what’s next, I guess you just put your dick in it and explodes! And the girl would be on the bed: “Maybe I should see a doctor about it…” Kills people! It petrifies me ‘cos girls be hanging out with them. One night they could be in the club having fun with their gayfriend, give them a little kiss. And go home with AIDS on their lips! And then when her husband, like five years later. “AIDS?! But I’m not homosexual!” “Sure you’re not homosexual…” All the diseases scare me ‘cos I’m like these… these are fuck years for me, like I’m… I’m in my sexual prime, this, I fuck now! These are the years to fuck! This is when you do your best fucking. And you just start to learn your body and getting it on your shoulders on to fuck… Like 18 year olds, let me hear you all in the audience! See y’all don’t know how to fuck yet, see. You don’t. You get 22. You start movin’ all this shit. Makin’ faces, ever made them fuck faces its a cool motherfucking thing. You don’t do that when you’re 18. There’s just 1 expression ‘cos you be surprised you fuckin’. Plus you don’t have no dick control when you’re 18! Ever been sitting around when you was young man, just sitting in class, your dick gets hard for nothing? You be just sitting there and your dick’s here: “What’s going on out there?” That’s when the teacher say: “Mr Murphy, would you come over by the board?” “No, that’s allright. I’ll take the zero.” Really, no dick control at all. It’s even hard to find the pussy when you’re 18. Ever had that guys? You’d be searching for the pussy down there. And your dick be sliding down and shit, and the girl be going: “That’s not it…” “Is there any problem?” “No, ain’t no problem, baby.” “You got a shoe horn or some shit like that?” And this is the business to be in if you want some pussy. That’s why I got in show business, for pussy. I figured, if Jimmy Walker can fuck, I’m fucking everybody. And it’s like that too. When you do TV-shows, women would be throwing pussy at me on the street like frisbees. “Ed!” “Thank you! Appreciate that!” Too much pussy, pussy would be falling outta my pocket. Walking out the street, you say: “Oh, watch your step, that’s mine.” Being a comic though ain’t like being no singer. The singers get all the pussy. Like the Bus Boys: they fuck everybody. Bus Boys will fuck anything that moves. Come to my house the fish stop swimming. They don’t play. Singers gets pussy. ‘cos you don’t have to, even you don’t have to look good, you can sing and get pussy. Just be interesting. ‘cos this Sex Symbol is getting pussy and is ugly motherfucker. ‘cos all you have to do is sing, its somethin bout singing, that is the business, you sing, women go crazy. Cos, Mick Jagger is an ugly motherfucker! With big ass lips! Mick Jagger’s lips are so big black people be going: “You got some big ass lips!” “These are big motherfucking lips!” But he’s singing! If you sing you’ll get over. Luther Vandross is a big Kentucky Fried Chicken eating motherfucker. But he put that shit up like…. And women go: Sing! ‘cos all you got to do is sing. Michael Jackson, who can sing, and is a good looking guy. But ain’t the most masculine fellow in the world. That’s Michael’s hook, his sensitivity! That’s when women be sayin’: “Michael’s just so sensitive…” And they eat that shit up. Mike knows. He be using women. I’ve seen Mike walk up to a girl and they’d be in the audience and say: “Is it allright if I come down there to sing to you…” And women go: “Whaaaaa!” Then, if you don’t scream, Michael gets really sensitive and cries on your ass. Ever hear that record “She’s out of my life”? “Tito, give me some tissues.” “Jermaine, stop teasing.” You just sing! I like dudes with masculine voices, you know, like Teddy Pendergrass. Teddy just comes out, takes the lyrics and: And scare the bitches that are liking him. That motherfucker’s crazy, throw your panties on the stage. That’s whats happening. I like Elvis Presley! Really I give credit where credit is due. When Elvis was young, he was a bad motherfucker. He was vicious. Sing his ass off. He sang so good, they let him do movies, he couldn’t act. They said: “Fuck it! Let him sing all his dialogues!” “Elvis, we got to win this race!” “We got to win this race….” “Elvis, want some lemonade?” “Lemonade, that cool, refreshing drink…” Let him sing ’till he was older too, Elvis was 42 years old. He would come out, his stomach was all fat and shit …and his butt be sticking out and shit… looking like he had to shit, out walking on the stage like this… “Excuse me.” Sing! That’s the key to it. You don’t even have to be able to talk. Just sing and get famous. James Brown‘s been singing for 20 years. I don’t know what the fuck James is talkin’ about! I don’t understand shit James says! I met him once at Saturday Night Live, walked up to him and said “James, I luv your stuff”. And whatever James is saying is some really heavy shit to James. ‘cos at the end of every sentence he ended up with: He meant that shit that he just said! And you getting mad you start putting the needle back “What the fuck did I just miss?” That’s a James Brown lyric. He wrote that shit! He’s writing a song and: “I need a word in here: Heaay!” “That’s good!” Band be going: “What the fuck is James talking about?” I don’t know but we’re getting paid, keep singing. And people take singers. There’s something about singers that people just love and shit. ‘Cos I… I did Stevie Wonder on a show once. And black people lost their motherfucking minds! I have brothers rawling up on me going: “Hey! You the motherfucker that’d been doing Stevie Wonder?” “That shit ain’t funny, motherfucker!” “Don’t you never let me see you do that shit again ! I’ll fuck you up!” “Stevie Wonder is a musical genius!” That’s terrible! That’s terrible, man! Your mother brought you up wrong. I got mad, I was hanging out with Stevie two months ago, I said: “Look, Steve, I get 2 months flack over this impression.” “I don’t like doin’, I ain’t doing this shit no more.” Stevie says: “Well I feel that…” “Shut the fuck up!” ‘Cos you gotta cut Steve off quick, ‘cos if he starts rolling he talks your ears off. You ever seen Steve win a Grammy and come up to give one of those long ass acceptance speeches? “And the winner is Stevie Wonder!” ‘…God’s chosen and…” “Just take the motherfuckin award and get the fuck out!” ‘cos if you don’t say that the credits will be rolling and Stevie going: “And I’d like to thank…” I’ve been in the car and said: “Just shut the fuck up, Steve!” I’m telling you, genius and all that shit, but you’re my boy, man, we hang and, I mean, like, it’s nice and shit but I don’t appreciate all the flack. And personally, the piano and the singing, I told you how I feel about singing… “…I ain’t impressed.” “You wanna impress me? Take the wheel for a little while, motherfucker!” “I heard that shit, man!” “That shit wasn’t funny!” Then I suppose in your little sketch Stevie crashed in a tree, right? “Ha-ha, very funny, motherfucker!” “Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker!” “Your mother got a mouth in the back of her neck and the bitch chews like this!” “Motherfucker Stevie Wonder jokes and shit!” It’s hot as fuck in here! “Take it off!” No, I can’t take it off. Maybe ladies would run up the place holding their pussies going: “Aaaah !” What’s going on over there ? Ladies run down the street and… can’t do that. Do we have the icecream man around here? Remember when the icecream man used to come to town when you was little ? And no matter what you was doing you would stop and lose your fucking mind! There’s something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don’t hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck. And no matter what was was going on, the iceman came, it stopped. You be gettin’ some marbles and shit: “Icecream! Icecream! The icecream man is coming! The icecream man is coming!” “Mom! Mom!” “Throw down some money!” “The icecream man is coming!” Then your mother come to the window and be throwing change and say: and bring back my change. Catch all that shit and run down the street, top speed. Chasing icecream truck and: “Icecream!” Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he’s seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: “Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run” You’d be behind him doing 50 and going: “Icecream!” “Thank you, icecream man! Thank you!” I’d get my icecream and I didn’t eat it just sing for a little while. You know how kids are. “I have some icecream, I have some icecream, and I’m gonna eat it all, I’m gonna eat it all…” The icecream be running down your arm and shit “You don’t have no icecream! You didn’t get none! You didn’t get none! “‘cos you are under wellfare, you can’t afford it.” Other kids would join in: “You can’t afford it, and his father is an alcoholic!” “You dropped your icecream, you dropped your icecream…” Eat it. I could drop my icecream in a pile of shit and eat it. I would be like “It’s just sprinkles” Unless your mother catch you doin’ that nasty shit, though. My mother caught me doing that, she made me put it down in 1 sentence: And you dropped that shit, quick. Anybody got them mothers that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother, that was so ashoed she would do at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up, wherever she was aiming. And bad with the shoe, carry that shit like a gun, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with the shoe. And you fucked up, my mom was walking the room just like: “Why did you eat your icecream off the floor?” “I didn’t, I just…” Bad! Accurate! You’d be in a supermarket and shit and be grabbing cereals off the counter going: “Mom, can we get this?” ” I guess not!” And could be doing three different things, be on the phone with my grandmother, be cooking with this hand have the phone like this and be sayin’ “Yeah, mama, hold on a second.” Fuck you up and God forbid, my mother be dressed up and had them high heels on. Them pumps, ‘cos then she gets boomerang action going on your ass ! And fuck you up in your room, you won’t even know what the fuck happened. They can hear you when you’re getting ready to walk out the door. And hear you on the bunk beds fucking around. They got that mother hearing. “Wait a minute, baby.” “Let’s go.” She was the one who did all the disciplining around the house and shit. Very, very strict house I came from. And I remember when I first went to my first contact with a white family, it freaked me out. And I was there, I found some white kids can curse around the house! That fucked me up! Coz I couldn’t even say “dagg” around my house, my momma said “sounds too much like damn.” I got in trouble for saying shit the wrong way. I was in the house with Tom Kildez. His mother said “Tom you’re a little late. He said “Come on mom I’m moving as fast as I can shit.” And I was standing like this: And if I tried to pull some shit like that in my house? “Ed, you’re a little late!” “Oh, come on, pop, shit, what is this! Come on, damn!” My pop just go: “That motherfucker’s crazy!” Remember in the old days when you could beat up a woman? Remember that shit back in the 20’s, the guys just smacked their wives in the movies… And they just go: You can’t do shit like that no more. Women be takin’ aerobics, and they’ll fuck you up now! It’s scary too, man! Especially a black woman. You hit a black woman she lose her mind! Seriously. They go crazy, you can have a really timid sister for a girl, and smack it be like: “I’m gonna kill you, motherfucker! You don’t hit me like that! You don’t hit me shit! “You don’t put your hands on my face! “Baby, please, stop! Baby, please… stop! Baby, hold on, stop, please!” “Calm down, baby, calm down!” “You don’t hit me, motherfucker!” “So get the fuck out!” Throw you out your own house, you be so scared you get the fuck out too. That’s some shit. You know you’re scared when a woman says get the fuck out your own house and you leave. I had a girlfriend once, I smacked her and got all cool and shit. And then she got cool and scared me more and I just left. “I didn’t want to do that shit, baby! But you brought that shit on yourself” “Don’t make me have to do it again.” She said: “No, no I did bring it on myself.” “Why don’t you just go to sleep!” Got the fuck out. People are changing. Men are changing too, this shit the guys do now you couldn’t do what they did 30 years ago. In the old days, you had an argument with your girl in the car, she say: “Let me out of here!” Men would say: “No, no, we can’t have any of that.” And nowadays a woman say that shit, dude: “Get the fuck out!” Somebody broke wind in here! I’ve been trying like not say nothing but someone farted in this motherfucker. That’s some long-distance fart too, boy. I know you get down with your friends have a good time. Especially fellas..ya know they play that game, they play the fart game you know. You know you fart around your fellas and its funny. Dudes be doing that they be gettin’ in elevators farting and laughing and shit. It’s nasty ! You play the fart game. I think deep down inside people wanna smell other people’s farts. ‘Cos you smell them. And people always tell you they farted. They say: “I farted.” You don’t leave, you pause a second. “Yeah, you did!” ‘cos in the back of your mind you wanna grade the fart. ‘cos if it smells bad enough, two years later you be going: “Remember that fart you made, two years ago?” The fart game you play. Starts off around the house when you’re little. Your father introduces you to it. You’d be sitting in the house on a Saturday morning, watching cartoons and your father make a fart and: “That wasn’t me, that was your mother.” “Oh, baby, baby! I want a divorce, uh ! You’re rotten, baby, shit!” And you join in, grab your little brother, sit on his head and fart. You ever do that? That’s a fun game, you little brother freak out and go: “Waaah” And your father goes: “It’s the fart game, you’ll play one day son.” The fart game, you get your best friend in on that shit too. You can walk up to your best friend while he’s watching a football game and fart in his face. He won’t even get mad. He just go: “Ok, you got me.” “That was a good one, too! My mouth was open. My mouth was open on that!” I got a scar, over my eye till this day from playing the fart game in the bathtub. Me and my big brother used to play it. We were poor, we didn’t have mr. bubble, we played the fart game. “I think it’s smelly!” “I’m G.I Joe, I’m swimming on the water…” And my big brother was sitting in the other end of the tub, and made shit in the tub. He wanted to add some excitement to the game. He said: “And then a big brown shark came.” I jumped up and said: “Aaaaah.” Cut my eye on the soap dish, blood gushing out and shit. Screaming, my mother ran in the bathroom. Seeing my big brother sittin’ in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand. I was layin’ at the bottom of the water with blood gushing outta my eye… And G.I. Joe up my ass… My mother: “What the fuck is going on over here?” Can I hold somebody’s camera. Anybody bring a camera? Does its flash go immediately? Like I don’t have to be waiting like my aunt and shit “Wait a second now!” They try to press it and the shit don’t work they be going like: “There’s something wrong with it…” And it go immediately the flash. Are you sure? I’ll take a picture of the crowd, for myself. OK, y’all come over here on this now? You know? I’ll take two of them. This ain’t no instamatic motherfucker! I got to wait for the flash and shit! See you got me waiting I should break your shit. See the brothers sitting in the back go: “All this money and he taking motherfucking pictures!” “I want my picture took, I’d steal a car motherfucker!” “Hey, man, I said one fuckin’ picture!” “You’re going to ruin my fucking film, man. Come on, shit!” “Who the fuck do you think you are, man!” I’ll see you explain the last one to the guy at the Photomat. “That’s a picture of Eddie Murphy’s dick…” You know what would be a good picture? Can all the brothers stand up ? All the brothers in the audience? Straight up! Everybody up! Straight up! I’m serious! What the fuck are you doing? Will you, motherfucker stand up? Up! And all the ladies get the cameras up. We’re gonna set the record straight here. When I say go… …everybody whip out their dick and go: “Wuuuhaaa” Look how fast the white dudes sat down. Some of them still standing. Y’all must be Italian! We got some shit on us. We got all this shit! We got some dicks hanging down! Dicks down to this motherfucker! You don’t believe it. White people don’t believe it. What’s funny about it, white people are the ones that made up the rumor. “You know, black people have tremendous dicks, but I don’t believe it!” You know remains of the first dick was found in Africa? Big ass piece of bone dick on the floor. “What is this shit ?” “It’s an old dried up dick.” “That means the first dick belonged to a black man.” Dicks. We got the shit for it. We got nice asses, too. We got our shit on. You see a white dude would be in this suit like this. “All right, man! All right, maaan!” I got a friend, Doug, there go Doug, my friend, Doug’s ass is way up here on his back. Ain’t it, Doug? Doug be getting shit stains on his collar. And in restaurants be reaching for his wallet: “Lemme get my wallet” Coz we got our shit hooked, all this is hooked up with black people. Chinese people are fucked all around, coz they got little dicks and little asses. They do and its fucked up the way they walk. They be walking all light coz they ain’t got no shit pulling them down. Now, a brother’s dick is too big it fucks up his balance so he’d have to do all this shit… Everytime you see a brother in a wheel chair he ain’t always cripple. He’s got big shit hanging down! That’s why all the brothers model they drawers in the newspapers. Think ’bout it. I’ve been seeing newspapers every sunday morning. A white dude in his drawers… Never have no balls in they drawers. Smiling and shit. If I had no balls I wouldn’t be smiling this shit. “I don’t have any dick!” Brother be standing there… if a brother models his drawers they need an extra fold in the page. They’re selling underwear but this n i g g e r s dick is in my coffee. “Want me stir it for you?” That’s some true shit. What’s today’s date? Don’t go to cook-outs. I hate cook-outs man. Stay away from cook-outs, if you’re like me stay away. I don’t like my family come by the house, with the relatives I ain’t seen since the last cook-out. You got certain relatives you just see at the cook-out. And they get on your fuckin’ nerves every year. My uncle Gus come by the house every year. My uncle Gus is the uncle that likes to work the grill. And don’t let nobody touch the grill when he’s around and shit. As as soon as he walks in the house its like: “Get away from that grill you dunna know how to start a fire” “You dunna start no fire, put this fire out. This ain’t no fire goddamnit.” “Eddie. Eddie go over there get all of that wood I need half a tree. Chop that tree.” “Chop down that tree and give me the wood.” “And Charlie go get me 2 gallons of gasoline out the shed.” “Two gallons of gasoline, you kids roll up your shirt we’re gonna start a fire.” “Come on, you wanna eat? You wanna eat?.” “Then shut up and put it on the fire.” “O.k. put that wood on the side there.” “O.k. gimme the gasoline Charlie.” “Hold the match, when I tell you throw the match on the gasoline all right?” “When I tell you right? We gonna make a fire. We gonna eat. “Here we go pour the gasoline on like this.” “We need the hole 2…get that goddamn lighter fluid out of here we can’t use that shit.” “Using all the 2 gallons gasoline on this wood.” “And make a fire, we’re gonna eat a hamburger o.k.?” “Here we go, Charlie throw the match.” “NOW THAT”S A FIRE!” “That’s a fire, look at that, look at that.” “He be alright, roll Charlie ’round, roll him around.” And uncle Gus is married to my aunt Bunny. My aunt Bunny got a moustache and shit! You know one of them lady moustaches? It was really cool, back when she was 20. Ladies had them little thin ones and shit. Then when they get about 45 like aunt Bunny they be havin’ a Billy Dee Williams’ look. The shit is bigger than a man’s and shit ! Aunt Bunny weight like 300 pounds. Like 250, real heavy lady and shit. And the kids were scared of her. You got that kid logic going. I remember my aunt Bunny come by the house. It was like. I was petrified coz she always wanted to kiss me and touch me and some shit. Soon as she walked on the door was like: “Come here and give aunt Bunny a kiss, baby.” Then you go: “Waaaaa!” And my mom would say: “Why don’t you go and kiss your aunt Bunny ?” Kids don’t give a fuck, they go: “She’s got a moustache!” Why do kids move so slow when they be crying? “Stop making all that noise!” “I said shut up!” You be mad coz your mother hit you. You be standing there wishing hateful shit on your mother. “God please kill her !” “I hope she gets hit by a truck and die!” “I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!” Shut up or I’ll come and give you something to cry about. Than my pop starts talking. And my pop is fucked up every 4th of July!” Black men like to claim the house when they’re drunk. Men period I think, like to claim their house. They want you to know that if you drunk and they’re drunk. And you in their house, that it’s their house. My father standing in the middle of the cook-out saying: “It’s my house!” “You know that it is? And if you don’t like it, you get the fuck out!” “I don’t give a fuck!” “I don’t give a… I pay the motherfucker bills in this motherfucker!” “And, hey… Kiss my ass if you don’t like it!” “Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes!” ‘cos you know what it is? I’m drunk. So what? Beautiful! I’m drunk. I’m drunk! So what? I’m drunk. “You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen, I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house.” “So, fuck it!” Then he attacks the whole family, like: “Gus! Gus, can I ask you a question?” “Why is the fire so big?” “Why you made the fire so big? Look at this shit! Is a motherfucker ridiculous, Gus!” “The fire is too motherfucker big! Why? You’re coming in every motherfuckin’ year, Gus…” “…and you burn out my motherfucker backyard! Why?” “I’m cooking motherfucker hamburgers this big?” “I’m not cookin’ no motherfucking brontosaurus burgers in this motherfucker!” “This ain’t the motherfucking Flintstones, Gus! It’s my house, motherfucker!” “Look at Charlie standing over there with 3rd degree burns on em.” “It doesn’t make sense no. But you take things too far Gus.” “I tell you go an inch, you go 3 inches. Tell you go 4 inches you go 5.” “Give a n i g g a rope gonna be a cowboy Gus.” “Why don’t you listen. Eddie, get that motherfucking dog away from my plate.” “I’m gonna shoot this dog.” “I’m gonna shoot this mother… shut up. I’m gonna shoot it. Stop crying.” “Stop crying Eddie, cuz you can get the fuck out.” “You’re gettin’ the fuck… I know you’re seven!” “But you’ll be a seven year old walkin’ the dog no house motherfucker!” “I hate this motherfucking dog.” “You don’t spend time with the dog Eddie.” “You don’t feed the motherfucker.” “You don’t pet it. You don’t even know what the fuck the dogs name is anymore do you” “The dog don’t give a fuck he don’t know his name. The dog is 3 yrs old don’t know his name.” “Watch this: Coco ! Where the fuck is it goin’? The dog’s stupid!’cos you don’t spend time with the motherfucker.” I’m supposed to work hard all day and come home to feed the motherfucking dog? Fuck no, I’m not feeding the motherfucker!” “You know Eddie, when nobody’s home.” “When nobody’s home you know what I do?” “I walk to the dog and I kick the motherfucker!” “I kick the motherfucker with everything I got, Eddie! And then I giggle my motherfucking ass off.” “‘cos I hate the motherfucker ! ‘cos you don’t clean up behind it! “This ain’t Scooby-Doo motherfucker!” “Why can’t you clean the dog.” “The dog shits all over the house. If noone tells you Eddie you don’t clean the shit.” “You let the shit stay forever.” “Shit been in the den for 6 months Eddie.” It’s been in the den for 6 months, you kids go pass it you act like you don’t see it. “And unless you’re told you won’t clean the shit.” “The shit is hard as a rock now! It’s like motherfuckin furniture in there!” “I went in there last week to watch the fight, and said fuck it I put my drink on top of it Eddie” “It’s a coffee table now! Why can’t you clean up shit?” “My friends come over and they oh that’s lovely. It’s not lovely it’s a piece of shit.” “‘Cos my children don’t listen !” Then my aunt Bunny would fall down the steps. Almost every year. Ever had a heavy set aunt fall down the steps? Make a whole lotta fucking noise! It’s scary, too, ‘cos they’ll be calling Jesus on the way down! And aunts don’t like to fall straight down the steps like a kid, They be trying to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit. And that’s what makes the fall take a half hour then. Real loud, like: “Lord, Jesus Christ, help my lord, please, Jesus, please!” “Jesus, God, help, my lord, Jesus, help me I’m falling down the steps oh lord Jesus Christ please!” “My shoe!” “Oh lord Jesus God help us!” “I’m half way down now help my lord Jesus !” “Lilian!” “What is all that fuckin’ noise?!” “Lilian! The bitch is falling down the steps again !” “Lilian ! Lilian !” “What’s wrong, Bunny ?” “I fell down the steps !” “Bunny fell down the steps ! Bunny fell down the steps !” Eddie, go get your aunt Bunny something cool for her head !” “What happened ?” “Bunny fell down the steps !” “Hey, Charlie ! Aunt Bunny fell down the steps !” “Gus ! What the fuck is wrong with your wife ?” “Why can’t she walk the fryer steps? You come up every fuckin’ year, Gus…” “… and you burn down my motherfucker backyard and your wife rips down the steps !” “Why ? I work hard to get my place beautiful…” “…and then the motherfucker come over and rips the steps down !” “Look at the motherfucker steps ! They’re fucked up, Gus !” “Why can’t she walk the steps ? You know why she can’t walk the steps ?” “‘cos she’s a fat hairy bitch ! That’s why !” “That’s why, Gus ! And my children are afraid of your wife.” “Eddie’s afraid of her ! He has nightmares about your wife !” I went to his room last week, Gus, he was in the bed screaming, Oh, help me, help me !” “I just walk up to him, shake him, ask: What’s wrong ? He said: Aunt Bunny is coming to get me !” “He’s afraid of your wife, ‘cos she has a bigger moustache than his father !” But you know what it is, Gus ! I figured out about your wife. And I’m gonna say it.. I figured out about your wife. I know where you met your wife. You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip… “…and that your wife was portorican. Your wife ain’t no motherfucker portorican !” “I thought she wasn’t from the first minute ‘cos I walked up to her I said: “Hi, my name is Vernon.” And she said: “Hello, I’m Bunny. Guni gugu !” “What the fuck does guni gugu mean, Gus ?” “I don’t know what the fuck that shit is as to this day. I thought I learned some new Spanish shit !” I went up to my friend: “Hey, Sanchez ! Guni gugu ! And Sanchez says: “Get the fuck outta here !” I’ve been walking around for years confused. And I finally figured out about your wife, where you met your wife. “You didn’t meet your motherfucker wife on no camping trip !” “Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn’t she, Gus ?” “Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn’t she, that’s why the bitch’s mustache is so motherfucker thick !” “‘Cos you shaved the bitch down and taught it to speak !” “I know a motherfuckin’ Bigfoot when I see one !” “You bring a Bigfoot in my home, Gus ? On my children ?” The bitch can’t talk, she can’t walk the fryer steps ! She’s not trained well, Gus !” She can not walk steps. I bet she climb the fuck out a tree though, don’t she, Gus ?” “Doesn’t she ? Doesn’t she ?” “But you had to bring her out here !” Fuck her ! And your motherfucker children? They’re Bigfeet too ! They’re half Bigfoot, Gus. “Cos the m.f. is 6 yrs old and have afros 17 inches long.” “They’re little hairy m.f. just like their mother.” Look at the motherfuckers, you know how I found out they was bigfoot? When I took your kids fishing last week. I put the motherfuckers in the boat Gus. And I took the worm and I put it on the hooks. And they both sat there, and put the poles down in the boat. And slammed their face in the water, for 2 mins. And I think what the fuck are these kids doin. Then they start movin their heads like this and the motherfuckers come up with fish. I jumped back and said can you believe this motherfuckin shit. Then kid took the fish out of his mouth, looked at his brother and said: “Guni gugu !” “I said, what the fuck is going on here ?” “Normal kids don’t do shit like that, Gus ! But I’ll tell you somethin’ motherfucker !” You can take your motherfucker hairy fat ass white mustache bitch out the fuck. “you can go upstairs and get the motherfuckin’ dog and scoop up the shit…” “and take Eddie and get these motherfucker long Angela Davis afro-ware motherfucker kids of yours… “…and put them in the motherfucker guni gugu-mobile and get the fuck out !” “And if my wife don’t like it she can get the fuck out too !” “You missed me, bitch !” Thank you ! Oh, Jesus. Oh, shit… I’m in Washington D.C. ! Jesus ! Christ ! This is where Reagan lives. Not far from here. Hey Ron everyone’s booing and I ain’t said shit. Well, tell us something we don’t know, motherfucker ! It ain’t like people sit around going “Really does it suck?” Shit’s changing though, we got black politicians now. Who’s that boy… Harold Washington? Harold Washington said: “Fuck it!” And won. I know he’s still sitting around going: “I really won the motherfucker?” And Jesse Jackson seen that shit and said: “Fuck it, imma run too, fuck it” “Jesse you can win” i see these brothers going. “You can win Jesse, coz you’re bigger than motherfucking Harold Washington.” “Fuck Harold Washington.” “Fuck him man, run for president.” And Jesse going: “Yeah, fuck that shit.” I’ve seen Jesse in the gym, working the fuck out, too, for getting into shape. You know he got a chance he can win. White dudes like to do shit like that… …vote for the wrong dude as a goof. They get drunk and shit and go like: “Let’s vote for Jesse Jackson!” “I just voted for Jesse Jackson!” And next day would be like this: “He fuckin’ won?” Jesse knows that shit can happen. He gets in shape. I’ve seen him running round the track and shit. I said: “Why the fuck you getting in shape like this?” He says: “”cos I’m gonna be the first black president.” “I have to give speeches like this: My fellow Americans! As your president I feel And dude be going: “He won’t stand still!” I ain’t hooked up into all that racism shit. My motto is, life just be happy with the motherfuckers. I ain’t into all that racism shit. Racism ain’t as bad as it used to be anyway man.. I mean its fucked up but, They don’t call n i g g e r s, n i g g e r s no more and shit. White people don’t say it. Especially when there’s n i g g a s around. So I guess I wouldn’t know it. I went to Texas to look into racism, about two months ago. I had a show down in Texas, got off the plane and shit, walked up looking for racism. My friends always told me: “You better not go to Texas! They’ll fuck you up!” And when a modern day brother here that shit “What! They ain’t fucking nobody up!” Brothers act like they couldn’t have been slaves back 200 years ago. Its like motherfuckers liked that shit. “I wish I was a slave; I would fuck somebody up!” “Shit..tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton.” “I would have been on the street and shit.. “He would came up and say ey yo n i g g a bale this cotton?” “I’d say suck my dick master.” “Suck my motherfucking dick.” “That’s right I ain’t baling a motherfucker.” The first dude that got off the boat said that shit. “Bale that cotton.” “Fuck you, motherfucker!” Other motherfuckers say: “We bale the shit, just keep that shit away.” “Just keep that fuckin’ shit away from me.” I got of the motherfucking plane, walked up, Got up, walked up, my bag. All my black shit on, black leather, big ass medallion and shit on like this. Little white dude walk up and say: “This your bag?” I said: “Yes, my fuckin’ bag!” “Why, motherfucker? A black man can’t have a suitcase?” And the dude is like: “What the fuck’s wrong with this guy?” Wasn’t that bad at all. I’m winded. I’m out of breath. Sweating and shit. “Do take it off!” “Shut up, bitch!!” Y’all didn’t know I was a ventriloquist too. Shit ain’t as bad as it used to be. You know who get it real bad now? Chinese people. They are the ones who be getting fucked over bad. You be teasin’ them and shit. Ever go into a restaurant and order up some food. Chinese dude would be in there. and when he leave you do like this: Everybody makes fun of Chinese when they order some food up and shit. And they’re nice guys, be all courteous and shit. Your friends and shit be laughing. And he look out the back and say: “The food is coming right up.” He be in the back watching us: “Very funny. Very funny.” “Make a special Won-Ton soup for him…” I wonder if they have, like a McDonald’s in China? Chinese people would be walking and say: “Give me a Big Mac and a strawberry shake, a large order fry and a cherry pie.” And dude say: “Big Mac, strawberry shake, large order fry and a cherry pie, coming right up.” That’s a fucked up language too, Chinese. Hard to learn. I wanna learn to speak Spanish. That’s the shit. You know what I’d really want to speak? I’d like to learn how to speak French, ‘cos that’s some cool shit, French. You can say “I gotta shit” in French and it would sound good: Just sounds good. I don’t like that shit that Arabic. That the motherfuckers be speaking in the 7-11. That shit’s fucked for me. It sounds nasty and shit, would be getting like: That’s a word in Arabic: That means some shit to them! “Could I have a hamburger cheese roll?” “Never mind, man.” “I don’t want no hakana on my bread, motherfucker!” Spanish language. You know why I want to learn how to speak Spanish? Coz I was always a Ricky Ricardo buff. When he would get mad of Lucy and be saying: I’d say: “Go on Ricky curse the bitch out.” Ricky would lose his mind. Ricky was cool and shit. For the fifties Desi Arnaz, Ricky Ricardo was a cool motherfucker. He had his baggies on, pointed shoes, in the club Babaloo and shit. Remember that shit? You be sittin’ there like this: He had a cool ass laugh too, it was like: “It’s justa ridiculous!” “Hey, Fred ! How would you like to fuck me up the ass?” TV is all screwed… Any kids here? I mean, little kids. I don’t like you bringing those kids down here. How old are you, man? How old? 13? Oh, you’re gonna be fucked up when you leave. “Dad! What’s a dick, what is that?” How old is the other girl, over there? Oh, y’all fucked up now! Y’all thought I would be going like this: You didn’t know I’d be saying: “A dick this big!” The kid’s gonna be waking up and: “A negro’s dick’s coming to get me mom!” I’m gonna tell you all a joke you can tell in school, all right, ‘cos I’ve been telling this dirty stuff. Here’s a little joke… Y’all can listen to it too. I know lots of times people seen my show then go to work and try to tell and fuck my jokes up on the job and shit. “…and then he said guni gugu!” “And he had a G.I. Joe up his ass!” “Hey, I’m Mr. T, I’ll rip your cock off with my ass!” And dude be standing all: “Yeah, very funny shit, right…” Here’s a joke you can tell at school, when school starts. Everybody be quiet now. Are you listening guys? A bear and a rabbit are takin’ a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says: “Excuse me, you have problems with shit sticking to your fur ?” And the rabbit says: “No.” So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. I like that joke. Oh, shit! Anybody got cable? I’ve been watching a lot of cable lately ‘cos I’m so mad with it. Only good TV show now is Star Trek. That’s some good shit! I like Captain Kirk, ‘cos Captain Kirk will fuck anybody! I’ve seen him beamed down on a planet- ever seen that when he’s fucked this dream bitch? You gotta be a horny motherfucker to fuck a dream bitch! I mean, I’m no racist, but if the bitch is green there’s something wrong with the pussy! He’ll be fucking a mutant and: Ship be gettin’ all fucked up. Mr Scott, I like him he made me laugh, he’s never cool and shit. He’s the opposite of Spock. The ship be all fucked up and Mr. Scott say: “Captain, my ship can’t take much more of this sir. She’s about to blow!” “Let Spock handle it.” And Spock say: “Mr Scott, why don’t you take the phasers and point them at the dylithium crystals and point them phasers at them and then use the power from the phasers to regenerate the dylithium crystals and we can get out on the impulse power.” “Mr Spock! It just might wax it!” “The shit worked last week, motherfucker!” I got fed up with TV and shit, coz I seen all the Star Treks. I start watching cable. I was watching Poltergeist last month. I got a question. Why don’t white people just leave the house when there’s a ghost in the house? Y’all stay in the house too fuckin’ long. Get the fuck out of the house! Very simple: If there’s a ghost in the house, get the fuck out! And not only did they stay in the house with the poltergeist, they invite more people over! Sitting around going: “Our daughter Carroll-Ann’s in the television set.” I would have been gone. If I had a daughter, went down to the precinct and say “Look man, I went home my fucking daughter’s in the t.v. set and I just fucking left.” You can have all this, I ain’t going back to the motherfucker. I just came down so when she ain’t at the school you don’t think I killed the bitch or anything like that. But she is inside the tv set you can have all that shit. Thank you. “Mr. Murphy didn’t you try to save your daughter?” Yeah, I’m a man, see I tried to save her I turned the channels the shit didn’t work. I got the fuck out. The kid was only 6 years old in the movie, they couldn’t have been to attached to her. In the Amityville Horror the ghost told them to get out of the house. White people stayed in there. Now that’s a hint and a half for your ass. A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door! Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, there was blood in the toilet. And said, “That’s peculiar.” I would’ve been in the house saying: “Oh baby this is beautiful.” “We got a chandelier hanging up here, kids outside playing. Its a beautiful neighbourhood.” “We ain’t got nuttin to worry, I really love it this is really nice.” “GET OUT!” “Too bad we can’t stay, baby!” You know, I wanna say something. I think maybe like 30 years ago there was a woman that wanted to sing, a black lady wanted to sing opera… What was her name? Mary Anderson? And this place was like segregated and she couldn’t sing here. And she couldn’t sing in the place. And here we are, like not even 50 years later, A 22 year old black male on stage getting paid to hold his dick. God bless America! I gotta go now. Y’all take it easy, bye bye !"
1686242267-245,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Ricky Gervais: 2011 Golden Globes Opening Monologue,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-2011-golden-globes-opening-monologue/,"Thank you. Hello. And hello. Welcome to the 68th annual Golden Globe Awards live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel in Los Angeles. Its gonna be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, breakfast. Wow, whoa. Let’s get this straight. What he did was, he picked up a porn star. Um, paid her to have dinner with him, introduced her to his ex-wife, as you do, ah, ah. Went to a hotel, got drunked, got naked, trashed the place while she was locked in the cupboard. And that was a Monday! What did he do New Year’s Eve? Anyway, welcome. The Golden Globes is a celebration of the best in TV and movies over the last year. Voted for by the Hollywood foreign press association. It was a big year for 3D movies, Toy Story, Despicable Me, Tron. Seems like everything this year was 3-dimensional. Except the characters in The Tourist. Um, I feel bad about that joke. I, no I’ll tell you what. I’m jumping on the bandwagon cause I haven’t even seen The Tourist. Who has? But no, it must be good cause its nominated so shut up, okay. And I’d like to crush this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so that the Hollywood foreign press could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is, that is rubbish. That is not the only reason, they also accepted bribes. No, all that happened was some of them were taken to to see Cher in concert. How the hell is that a bribe? Really? Do you want to go see Cher? No. Why not? Cause its not 1975! There were a lot of big films that were not nominated this year. Nothing for Sex and the City 2. Huh, no, I was sure the Golden Globes special effects would to to the team that airbrushed that poster. Great job. Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza. Also not nominated I Love You Phillip Morris, Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor. Two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay. So the complete opposite of some famous Scientologist then. Probably. My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke. They’re not here, okay. There has been some great TV drama this year like Boardwalk Empire and The Walking Dead, so uh yeah. Talking of the walking dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner. Who ah, is getting married at the age of 84 to 24-year old beauty Christal Harris. When she was asked why she was marrying him she said cause he lied about his age, he told me he was 94. Oh come on. Don’t worry, hold out. Just, just don’t look at it when you touch it. I warned him. One of the biggest developments in TV this year was the finale of Lost. One of my favorites. All of the questions were answered. I have to say though, it was quite a complicated finale. I’m not sure I totally understood it all, but from what I can make out the fat one ate them all. Shall we get on with it? Our first presenter is beautiful, talented, and Jewish, apparently! Mel Gibson told me that he’s obsessed! Please welcome Scarlett Johansen"
1686242350-266,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jo Koy: Live from Seattle (2017) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jo-koy-live-from-seattle-transcript/,"Yo
 Finally here
 You know I’m finally here
 Finally here
 You know I’m finally here
 I hear these people talking about
 Where I been I been on tour trying to work it out
 They talking, like “Man, you finally made it, dawg”
 Shit, I’m working on copping
 My second house I remember back when
 No one wanted to listen
 Kind of funny who done came and gone
 But I’m still here
 And I ain’t going nowhere
 Nah, it’s my time, homey
 This where I belong
 Truth is, I’m a savage… I’m home, you guys. [chuckling] Look at the diversity in this room. Every color. [cheers and applause] That’s what I love about Seattle. There’s, like, every color just mixed with everybody else. [audience laughing] Good shit. We’ve got Latinos out here. [cheering] Somehow you guys swam up. “Just keep going! I swear to God, mijo. Keep going!” When I first moved out here… Like, when I was living out here, this is where the Indian casinos started opening. Like Muckleshoot. Remember that? Is that still around? – [crowd] Yeah! – Muckleshoot? But when an Asian says it, it sounds more Asian than Indian. [Asian accent] “Muckleshoot. You want to play… Where you play? Muck… Muckleshoot. Play blackjack at Muckle… Muckleshoot.” You go to the Indian reservation. I’ve never seen any Indians. There’s more… I don’t see any. It’s just all Vietnamese people and… Chinese people. That’s all. I want to see an Indian. One. Just one. Give me one Indian. I want to see Pocahontas. Just one Pocahontas. Just give me an Indian lady. One Indian lady. I swear to God, if I find her, it’s over. It’s over. I want a hot Indian wife, and I’ll marry her, and I’ll have ten kids with her, just so when I load the van, I can go… One little, two little Three little Indians Four little, five little Six little Indians Seven little, eight little… I love watching… When women laugh, it’s my favorite. Because when women laugh, they laugh hard. They don’t give a shit. If it’s funny, they’re, like, “Oh, my God. Right? Ten Indians. And then he’ll count, like the fucking song! Hilarious! [sobbing] Hilarious!” Women will laugh… Look. Women will laugh and cry. Women will laugh and cry because they’re emotional creatures. They can’t give you one emotion. “I gotta give you two! Ha ha ha! Are you serious? Are you happy? Ha ha ha! Fuck! Fuck! Seriously, stop! Fuck!” [cries] And they do this shit. What is that? Because they’re crying, and that’s their way of drying the tears. Fanning tears. That’s fucking water! You can’t fan water! You don’t get out of the shower and go, “Oh, my God, that shower was amazing. Oh, my God! I’m gonna be late!” Women will laugh and pee. They don’t give a shit. In public. In public! In front of their friends. They don’t give a shit. They’ll tell their friends, “He’s funny, right?” “I know. I just peed a little. I swear to God.” “A little? Bitch, that’s a lot.” “I don’t give a fuck. It’s funny. It’s funny.” And I love it when women laugh and they threaten that they want you to stop, and if you don’t, they’re gonna pee. They threaten you. “Stop. No, seriously, stop! I swear to God, I’m gonna pee! Stop it! Oh, my God! Stop! Stop! I’m gonna pee. Look, look! Seriously. You’re crazy.” This is amazing. Look, she’s crying right now! Where’s the hand? Look at her! And then look at her crotch. Piss. She just pissed. You got that on tape, right? Welcome to Hollywood, bitch. She did exactly what I said. She went like that, then went like that, and she went, like, “Oh, my God. Fucking stop! I’m about to shit! I’m gonna shit. You want me to shit? I’ll shit.” I’m half-white, half-Filipino. That’s what I am. Which means my dad was in the military. That’s not even a joke. That’s real shit. A lot of soldiers were fighting for this country. My dad was dating. I’m his Purple Heart. My dad would say borderline-racist shit to me when I was a kid. Borderline-racist shit. But I knew he was joking. It’s my dad. Just sitting at the dinner table, like, “You know why I married your mom, right?” I’m, like, “Why?” “Because I love Chinese food.” “She’s Filipino, Dad.” “Whatever. Rice is rice.” What the fuck? “Rice is rice!” That’s so racist! I’m not knocking what my mom had to do to get to America. Fuck it. That’s her hustle. That was her hustle. God bless you, Mom. You hooked up with a soldier and had a kid in America. God bless you, Mom. She did what she had to do. She could’ve hooked up with a Filipino and had a kid in the Philippines. You know how much a comedian makes in the Philippines? A chicken and flip-flops. Fuck that. Fuck that. I don’t even like flip-flops. My mom was the shit. My mom and dad divorced when I was, like, ten, 11 years old. My mom had to raise us on her own. She did that shit on her own. Tough as shit. She had… [cheers and applause] Sometimes a little too tough. Like, it was borderline illegal, but… It sucked. My mom never took us to the doctor. My mom raised us like we were still in the Philippines. She tried to cure everything at home, like a real Filipino woman. You had to… You had to die to go to the hospital. Shit. My mom cured everything with Vicks VapoRub. Vicks VapoRub! I should’ve died nine times when I was a kid. That’s abuse! There was one time I thought I had pneumonia. I go, “Mom, I think I have pneumonia.” She goes, “I’ll put extra Vicks on your body, Joseph. Just rub it everywhere, Joseph. Rub it on the bottom of the foot, and then put a sock on the foot, and then the pneumonia will come out of the foot, Joseph.” I’m just smothered in fucking Vicks. I should’ve called the cops. One time I was so sick… I swear to God, true story… I go, “Mom, I don’t feel good. I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep, Mom.” My mom took her finger and stuck it in Vicks and rubbed it on top of my eyelids. On top of my eyelids! That shit burned so bad. I go, “Mom, it burns! I can’t open my eyes!” My mom goes, “Well, then you can sleep. Good night, Joseph.” She didn’t give a shit. Mean. She never hit us. My mom never hit us. She just scared us a lot. She loved to curse, and she used to flex like that. She used to do that shit! She brought that to America! Anyone that does this shit, hey, my mom started that shit. She did it to all of us. You know how embarrassing that is, to get punked by a four-foot-eight Asian woman at the fucking mall? “Get out of the goddamn Foot Locker. Get out of the Foot Locker!” “I’m not even in the Foot Locker!” I used to cry and tell my mom, “Mom, when I have kids, I’m never gonna do what you do to me to my kids.” And my mom looked at me… I swear to God… she put her hand on my shoulder and goes, “Joseph, promise me, okay? Never have kids.” Shit on my dreams. I’m telling you this: I became a comedian, which is totally against the grain when you have a Filipino mom. If you have a Filipino mom, that is not the career choice you’re supposed to have. Filipino moms predetermine what their kids are supposed to be when they grow up. And you know I’m not making this shit up. There’s a lot of Filipinos in here, right now, that are nurses. Today is a good day to get injured at a show… because there will be a nurse in here, like… [in Filipino accent] “Oh, my God. Put a cold compress on the head. Elebate the peet! Elebate… Elebate the peet.” “What the fuck is ‘elebate’?” “Just lipt! Lipt the pucking peet! Are you stupid?” And I’m not… I’m not shitting on you for being a nurse. That’s a great job, great benefits, good money. I’m just saying, it wasn’t your dream. That was your Filipino mom’s dream. My mom wanted me to be a nurse. Are you fucking kidding me? Filipino moms shit on their kids’ dreams. And you know I’m not lying. You know I’m not lying. You can’t have a dream. “What are you talking about… dream?” I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian. She cried. “Why? Why do you want to be a comedian, Joseph? All your aunties are nurses, your cousins are nurses. Do you see any clowns in this family? I don’t. Do you?” Shit on my dream right there. Just looked at me and went like this: “Joseph, who told you you were funny? It wasn’t me.” That’s fucked up. I’m just saying… you’re a nurse, God bless you. But you know there are some nurses out there that didn’t follow their dreams. There are some nurses working at the hospital that wish they were a Jabbawockee. You know exactly what I’m talking about. “Hey, follow me to the X-ray.” “I’ll follow you…” “Goddamn, that nurse can dance.” “It was always my dream. My mother did not believe in me.” Oh, fuck. It’s either nurse or mailman. Mailman’s another strong option. Oh, shit. My mom cried and even suggested, “Joseph, be a mailman. Your uncles are mailmen. Your cousins, they’re mailmen.” My stepdad, he’s white. He’s a fucking mailman! I swear to God. I asked him, “Fred, why’d you become a mailman?” He’s, like, “Your mama told me to become a mailman. She shit on my dreams.” I came home from school, and my mom had my uncle come over and talk to me about getting into the post office. That’s how… Right? It’s fucked up, right? Come home from school, and here’s my uncle. By the way, my uncle is one of those Filipinos that hide their accent. He’s got a thick accent, but he likes to hide the accent because he doesn’t want anyone to think that he has an accent. And it just ends up sounding like a worse accent. He sounds like a Filipino Elvis. And I came home, I came through the door. He got up, he’s, like… [deep voice, thick accent] “Joseph, let me talk to you for a second. So, I hear you want to be a comedian?” Like, what the fuck did you just say? Filipino moms, stop turning into Filipino moms. I can guarantee you right now… There’s a ton of Filipinos in here, but I can tell you, I don’t know any of you, but if you met my mom, I guarantee she looks just like your mom. Identical fucking twins. Just… They’re just cut from the same cloth. I don’t know what it is about Filipino women. They’re beautiful at the age of 20, but right when they hit 69, they all morph into the same Filipino woman. Short hair, glasses. Louis Vuitton purse. “Where are we? Seattle? Moore Theatre?” [chuckling] Break that mold, man. I told my son. I told him. I’m breaking that mold. I looked at my son right in the eyes, and I go, “Joe, look, if you have a dream and you think you want to do it and you believe in it, then chase that dream. It’ll happen.” That’s what I said. [cheers and applause] “As long as you continue to follow that dream, your dad’s got your back. I got you, bro, 100 percent.” He goes, “Oh, my God. Thanks, Dad.” I go, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” He goes, “I want to be an architect.” And I go, “Joe… I’ve seen you draw. You got another dream? What the fuck are you talking about? You ever think about nursing? Get the fuck out of here.” I love my kid, but I understand where my mom’s coming from, because he’s at that age. Right when he turned 12, that’s when he just stopped taking care of himself. And that’s when I stopped taking care of him. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re a parent. Twelve? “You should know how to brush your teeth now. You know what to do, Joe.” But now that I ignore the fact that he doesn’t brush his teeth, I have to fucking deal with the breath. The breath, it comes in hot. Hot. And he’s breathy when he talks. [breathy voice] “Dad. Dad. Dad.” I’m, like, “Joe, what did I tell you to do when you talk to me?” “Face the wall.” “Face the wall and write it down. Let me read what the fuck you’re trying to say to me.” Armpits. God damn it. Armpits smell like chopped onions. And I always get mad. I’m, like, “Joe, why do I smell it first? I’m over here. You’re right fucking here.” I grab the deodorant every time. “Joe, this is all you gotta do. Just rub it under this armpit like that. That’s all you gotta do. Now, listen to me. Here’s the important part. When you go to the other armpit, I want you to go across your mouth.” Just dirty. My son is dirty. He loves it. He thinks it’s the funniest thing. Still doesn’t know how to sneeze correctly. Are you kidding me? My friend had a daughter the same time I had my son. She’s been cute her whole life. When she would sneeze, she’d announce it. “I gotta sneeze, Mommy. I need a napkin.” Her mom would run over with a napkin. “Here you go, baby. Put your nose in the napkin.” “I gotta sneeze, Mom. I gotta sneeze.” [soft sneeze] It’s fucking beautiful. Glitter. When my son sneezes, no announcement. His face just explodes, mid-conversation. It always happens at the restaurant. He’s, like, “Dad, did you see how many points…” [splat] And then I still help him. I grab a napkin. “Here, wipe your face, Joe.” Because I’m a good dad. Let me do that with my mom when I was a kid. Shit. At the dinner table. “Mom, can you pass a…” [splat] “Are you fucking kidding me? Are your hands broken when you sneeze? When you sneeze, you can’t use your fucking hands? You could not go like that? Now there’s boogers on the chicken. You’re eating all the booger chicken, Joseph. All of that is yours. Enjoy boogers and chicken. Delicious, huh?” The whole week, I gotta eat booger chicken sandwiches at school. And she’d make fun of me. “How was your sandwich? Salty, huh? Cover your mouth.” I’m ready for my son, and I’m financially prepared to take care of him for the next 15 years. I know that. As a man, as a dad, I know I have to take care of my son for the next 15 years. Why? Because he’s a boy. Boys don’t leave the fucking house. They don’t leave. How do I know that? Because I didn’t leave the house. I didn’t leave the house till I was 28. “I ain’t leaving. My mom can cook.” And I’m ready for that. Now, if I had a daughter, I wouldn’t put a dime away. Not a penny. Not a cent. Why? Because girls mature quicker, they grow up faster, and they get the fuck out of the house! “Don’t talk to me like that, Mom! That’s bullshit! I’m a fucking woman! Don’t touch me, Dad.” Girls at 18 don’t give a shit. They’re ready for the world. And you know what I’m talking about. Don’t act like you don’t. There’s women in here that left at 18. And the reason why I know is because I have two sisters… Gemma and Rowena. Both of them left at 18, and neither one of them came back. That’s some gangster shit. My sister Rowena was the first one to go. Had a full-time job at Wendy’s. Swear to God. Shift supervisor. She thought she was a fucking millionaire! Showed me her paychecks every week. “Look at this shit. I’m rich.” And she was ready. Got into the last fight with my mom in the living room. She had it. “Whatever, Mom. I’m going. I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m sick of these fucking rules. I’m old enough to take care of myself. And you know what? Me and Brian, we’ve been looking for a place, and when we find it, I’m fucking out of here!” And my mom just looked at her and goes, “Are you fucking crazy? Get the fuck out of here right now.” And my sister didn’t even flinch. “Fine! Fuck it! I’m out of here!” And she left. My sister left at 18 and never came back. That’s some gangster shit. I remember that day like it was yesterday. She was in the garage, loading the trunk of her car with all her shit, and I was upstairs in my room. And then my sister yelled up to my room, “I love you so much, Joe!” And I started crying. And I looked at my mom. I go, “She’s gonna die! She’s gonna die, Mom!” And my mom looked at me and goes, “Well, then let her die. You want to die with her, Joseph?” “I don’t want to die!” And she left, and she never came back. Then my other sister, Gemma, 18… left. She never came back. My sisters are the shit. The shit! Because I didn’t leave till I was 28. Twenty-eight! And even then I wasn’t sure I was ready to go. I swear to God. I remember standing at the doorway with a garbage bag full of my clothes, and I looked at my mom. I go, “Mom, are you sure you want me to leave?” And my mom goes, “Yes, Joseph. It’s time. It’s time for you to be a man now, Joseph. Now move to the garage.” And I moved to the garage like a fucking man. Twenty-eight. And then I moved back in at 29. It was cold in that garage. I go, “Mom, there’s no insulation in the garage.” And my mom let me back in. “Come back in here, Joseph.” That’s what she always does. I always had second, third chances. “Come back in here, Joseph. I was just joking. I thought you were the comedian.” And I moved back in at 29. And then I moved out again at 32. But fuck it. That’s what boys do. Shit. My sisters never got a second chance. Once they were gone, that was it. She didn’t give a shit. “Bye. Don’t even call me. You think you can do it? Oh, go. Do it. It’s cold out there, huh?” My sisters would get into epic fights with my mom. Like, some of the shit they would say… unbelievable. I remember watching those fights when I was a kid. My sister Rowena, especially. Holy shit. Every weekend. “Mom, I’m going out with my friend. Why do you always question me every time I go out with my friend?” “Yeah. Because every weekend, it’s a different guy.” “Yeah, Mom, it’s called dating. I’m dating people. I’m allowed to do that. I don’t go to school anymore. I make my own money. I want to go out and date and have fun. Is that a big deal?” “Yeah, but you go out every weekend, just gallivanting with different people all the time.” “They’re not different people! They’re my friends!” “Sure, they’re you’re friends. They’re just people out there. You’re giving your pekpek away to everybody! You don’t even know them. Who wants pekpek? You want pekpek? That’s a pekpek for you. You want it? There! It’s for free!” “Pekpek” is “pussy.” There’s some people that got it, but then there’s some, like, “Is she giving chickens away? Every weekend, she has a chicken and she gives it away? That’s expensive.” But now they made up. Now they’re friends. Best of friends. Seeing my mom and sister make up: Funniest shit ever. Just seeing my mom cry. “I just want you to know that… I didn’t think you gave your pekpek away to everybody.” “Well, I didn’t, Mom. It’s right here. It’s the same one you gave me.”     Man, I get it, Mom. God bless you. That shit is hard. My son’s 13, and it just keeps getting harder and harder. It’s so hard. My son is in the seventh grade. God damn it. I want all you new parents to know this right now. When you were in the seventh grade and you weren’t smart, you’re definitely not gonna be smart when your kid gets to the seventh grade. It’s harder. My son and I are failing Math. It’s so hard. Now he’s getting a C-minus in Math. C-minus in Math. In private school, that’s not good. That’s failing Math. So, of course, she brings me in for a parent-teacher meeting. Private school. That’s what they do. They sit you down because they’re concerned. “Hi. [chuckles] Mr. Koy. Mr. Koy, please sit down. I don’t want to startle you. I want to nip this in the bud. Just want you to know, Mr. Koy, that your son has a C-minus in Math. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. That’s not good. What are we gonna do to solve that, Mr. Koy? You need to help me help him. I can do whatever I can over here at school, but when he gets home, you need to crack open that book and start working on those questions with your son. Let’s bring that grade back up. Let’s do this as a team, Mr. Koy. Come on!” And I was, like, “You know I’m a comedian, right? And I hired you to teach my son math. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. What are we gonna do to fix that? Sounds like you owe me money.” If you have kids, take them to public school. That’s the only… Public school, please. I’m paying college tuition for my son’s seventh-grade education. And then I get a call from the principal. “Mr. Koy, you forgot to pay your milk fee. You forgot to pay your milk fee, Mr. Koy.” I go, “I paid the tuition. I thought it was included in the tuition.” “No, Mr. Koy, that’s separate.” I got so mad. I was filling out that paperwork, and I just looked at my son. I go, “I can’t believe I’m filling out paperwork to pay for milk.” He goes, “What are you talking about, Dad?” I go, “When I filled out paperwork, it was so I can get free milk. We were poor, Joe. We couldn’t afford milk, so my mom filled out paperwork so we could get a free milk. I couldn’t wait to get to school so I could actually taste calcium. And it’s delicious when it’s free.” He didn’t know what a free milk was, so I had to explain to him what a free milk looked like. I go, “Joe, a free milk was a carton of milk that looked like a house from Monopoly. And it had three simple instructions. You pulled the right side to the right, the left side to the left, and then you pinched the middle and pulled it towards your chest, and it’s supposed to make a spout. But it never made a fucking spout. So, you turned it to the back and started over. That side had too much glue. You couldn’t even open that fucking side. So you just ripped it open in the middle. Now you’re drinking milk out of a square box. And when you were done with that milk, you put soil in it and a bean, and you grew a tree.” Yeah. Public school. I gotta get my son to be humble. How is my son gonna be humble when I’ve been driving him to school? His whole school career, he’s been chauffeured to school. He’s never been on a bus before. That shit will make you humble. Go to school on a public bus. He doesn’t even know what a public bus… I just found out my son doesn’t know what a school bus is. We were driving on the freeway, and a school bus passed us, and my son goes like this: “Where are they going?” “Fucking school, asshole. Who’s this dick?” He’s been going to school… You gotta go to school on a bus. That shit will make you humble. Go to school on a bus with a bunch of kids that hate their fucking life. That was me. I hated my life. I was the last kid on, and I was the last kid off. Hated that shit. Every time I got on, there was only one seat left, and there was always that one kid that didn’t want to share the seat. And I’d walk up to him. He’s, like, “You better not even think about sitting here.” And I’d go, “Where am I supposed to sit?” “I don’t fucking care.” And the bus driver doesn’t give a shit. “You’d better sit down back there.” “I don’t know where to sit. He’s not gonna let me sit down. She’s getting mad. She’s not gonna go unless I sit down. I won’t even sit on the whole thing. Just let me… let me sit on the edge.” I had to sit on the edge and then hold the seat across the aisle. I went to school looking like I took a shit on the bus. And then he’d still fuck with me. “Why do you smell like Vicks?” “Because I have pneumonia.” He’s got it so good. I’ve got to stop spoiling him. I spoil him too much. It sucks. But the reason I spoil him is because I didn’t have shit when I was a kid. We were broke as shit. And now that I can afford it, I’m buying everything. And yes, it’s for him, but he doesn’t know that it’s actually for us. All that cool shit he has, I want it, too. I want it so bad. This Christmas pissed me off. I go, “Joe, you want a PS4 for Christmas?” He goes, “No.” I go, “Why the fuck not? You’re selfish, bro.” I want all that shit. I want all those toys. And I’m holding back, but it’s hard. It’s so damn hard. We went to the mall. This was, like, seven months ago, eight months ago. And the kiosk with the hoverboards. Oh, shit. And my son got on it like a fucking natural. He just got on and was, like, “Oh, my God. Dad. Dad. Dad! Dad! I’ve got to have this, Dad. I’ve got to have this.” And I just looked at him, and this is what I said in my head. I go, “Yes, we do.” But I was being a good dad. I was, like, “No. I can’t buy that for you.” He goes, “Why not?” I go, “Because you have a C-minus in Math, and I can’t reward you for that. Bring the grade up to a B, and I’ll buy it for you.” My son goes like this: “Are you serious right now?” And this is what I said, I swear to God. I went like this: “I know, right? Why’d you fail the test, man?” We both left that mall just fucking crying. I wanted that hoverboard so bad. And then I told him, “Joe, I’ll buy you that hoverboard. I’m gonna get you a tutor, and she’s gonna help you with your math. You bring the grade up, it’s done.” So, I get the tutor. This is how shitty of a dad I am. Just for one week with the tutor, he has a quiz the following week. Four out of five right. Doesn’t even apply to the grade. And I just looked at him like this: “Look at you, Einstein. Looks like we need to go to the mall and get something, don’t we?” And I got that hoverboard. Oh, I fucking love that thing. I ride it every morning. [bleeping sounds] “You want cereal?” “Yes, Dad.” “I’ll be right back.” [bleeping sounds] I crashed on that hoverboard. Holy shit. I got wood floors at my house. This is what it sounded like when I crashed. Twice, because I skipped across the floor. And this is how old I am. When I finally landed, this is what I said. I went, “Uhh! Oh, fucking hip! Oh, my fucking hip! It’s broken!” And my son doesn’t give two shits about me. He came around the corner and went like this: “Dad? Where’s my hoverboard?” “Fuck you, Joe. Fuck you.”
 Don’t buy that hoverboard. I don’t even know why they sell it in America. I don’t know how they got past inspection. They’re dangerous. When the battery’s dead, it doesn’t even tell you. I swear to God, it just stops mid-ride. And then it catapults you across the living room at 17 miles per hour. I’m flying through the air with a bowl of cereal, like, “What the fuck?! Shit!” Thirteen. God damn it. They grow fast, you guys. He’s at that age where he doesn’t want to kiss me anymore. It makes me so sad. I hate it. “Have a good day at school.” He’s like this: “All right.” And I… I don’t know what to do now. Turning into a man. I don’t like the way God tells you that your son is turning into a man. It’s too quick. I’m not even mentally prepared for this. I found out last year that he’s turning into a man. It sucked. Last year… This is when I found out. He was in the pool, swimming, and I’m on the outside of the pool, just watching my son swim. He comes out of the pool. This is what he says to me, word-for-word, when he comes out of the pool. He went like this: “This pubic hair is tickling my butt.” And when he said “pubic hair,” he meant one pubic hair. Just one. It’s so long, it’s tickling his asshole. And I started crying. I go, “Why do you have a pubic hair? Why?” And that’s it. That’s it. The pube is here. That was last year. He’s 13 now. How many does he have now, 20? I’m not ready for that. No more toys anymore. No more of the cute toys he used to play with when he was 11, 12. Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles… fuck that. He’s got a new toy. He’s got a new toy that he’s gonna love to play with a lot more. He’s probably gonna play with it in front of the old toys. And there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m not prepared for that. My son? Now! This is when it starts! Thirteen. This is when it starts. Shit! And I’m gonna catch him. I’m gonna catch him. It’s inevitable. I’m gonna catch my son jerking off. Are you kidding me? And what do I say to him when I catch him? I don’t even know what to say to him. What do I say? “Stop doing that”? That’s fucked up. I’m still doing that! Who the fuck am I? “Only one guy jerks off in this house. And since I own it, take your little dick outside. This is my lotion.” He’s gonna get caught. Because boys are sloppy with their work. They’re sloppy with their work, and you know what I’m talking about. They just… They don’t know what to fucking do. Thirteen? [grunts] [grunts] I was the creepiest. When I was 13? Shit. Thirteen… I could eat cereal, jerk off, watch cartoons and look out for my mom at the same time. Just creepy shit. “Aah! Shit!” It’s gross. It’s gross, but it’s life. This is it. I’m gonna catch him. Fuck. He’s gonna be so creepy. Boys are creepy with their work. They don’t know. The first times that they do it, the first 20 times, nothing comes out, ladies. You do know that, right? It’s just you and your friend at a party. And then your friend starts to dry-heave for no reason. [laughing] [grunts] Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. [grunting] Yeah! And that’s why we get caught. Because we think that happens every time. And it’s not. One day, something comes out, and we don’t know what to fucking do. It catches us off guard. We’re, like… [chuckling] Blam! “Aah! No, no, no, no! Oh, no! Oh, my God! No, no! No! Oh, my God! I’m ready for church!” You go to church with a come-print on your chest. I want every woman to know this right now. We don’t stop. We don’t stop, all right? I didn’t stop. Been doing it since I was a kid. I got caught by my mom. My mom caught me. Worst day of my life. Worst day of my… And I don’t like how quiet it is in this room right now. I really don’t. I don’t like how every guy is looking at me like: “This is kind of disgusting. I don’t know what he’s talking about. How could he get caught by his mother?” I want every guy in this room to know this tonight. You got caught by your mom, too. She caught your dumb ass. She saw it. That’s a grown woman. She knows what her teenage son is doing. She just never said anything to your dumb ass. But she found it. Whatever it was you were abusing, she found it. She just didn’t tell you about it. She was cleaning your room. And she was, like, “Oh, let me get that plate. Oh, that’s not a plate. That’s a towel.” She just… She didn’t say anything to you. My mom said something to me, because that’s the kind of fucking mom I got. But I thought I was bulletproof. Sock. Genius. Sock. Sock, hamper. Sock, hamper. All week. Sock, hamper. Sock, hamper. Two-a-day Friday. Sock, sock, hamper, hamper. Then Sunday came around. My mom walked into my room. “Stop fucking your socks. Are you kidding me right now? You want me to clean it? Fuck you, Joseph. That’s disgusting. I’ve been throwing all your socks away. You have two pair of socks left for the rest of the year. You fuck those… no more socks, Joseph. You’re gonna go to school barefoot like that, huh? The principal will call me. ‘Joseph doesn’t have any socks.’ ‘Yeah, because he keeps fucking them!'” We all do it. We all do it. Every guy in here still does it. It’s creepy. We’ll move on from this, but I just want to keep going. We’ve got plenty of time to kill. Every guy does it, though. We haven’t stopped. We become better at it. We don’t stop because we’re creeps, ladies. We’re just creepy people. I don’t care how long you’ve been with your man… five years, ten years, five days… it doesn’t matter. That’s his shit. I want every woman to know this: The creepiest man in this room tonight is the guy you came with. I swear to God. There’s no one creepier in this room. Don’t look across the aisle or up in the balcony. He’s sitting right fucking next to you. That guy is a creepy, creepy fuck. Don’t give it to him for a couple days. Watch him just, “Uhh!” I don’t care how good-looking your man is. When we jerk off, we all look the same. Creepy. By ourselves. One shoe on. Always one shoe on. Look at the toe! Look at the fucking toe! Shirt tucked under the chin. Shirt tucked under the chin. Did you know that, ladies? Did you know your man tucks the shirt under his chin? You want to know why? Because he doesn’t want the bottom of the shirt to touch his dick, because he’s still gonna wear that shirt for the rest of the day. Creepy fucker’s gonna wear his jerk-off shirt to the comedy show tonight. Don’t shake anyone’s hand in here tonight. I swear to God, the diversity in this room is amazing. I will tell you this right now. I’m just gonna be honest with you guys. I’m gonna put it all out there. No one is more indirectly racist than Filipino moms. My sister’s about to marry her fiance. He’s dark. He’s dark. Darker than you. My sister got the darkest one. There’s black, and then there’s nighttime. Andre is nighttime. Andre used to kill it in hide-and-seek when he was a kid. Didn’t even have to hide. Just closed his eyes like that. “Where are you, Andre?” “Right here, motherfuckers. I win again.” You should’ve seen how my mom acted when she met Andre for the first time. When he walked into the house, my mom went like this. [shudders] “Put my purse in the room. Put my purse in the room.” I got so mad at my mom. I took her to the kitchen. I was, like, “Mom, are you kidding me? Just because he’s black, you want me to put your purse in the room? Are you kidding me right now?” And then she got mad at me and made me feel like the racist. Some Filipino Jedi shit. She just looked at me and goes, “Oh, just because he’s black, Joseph, and I told you to put my purse in the room, you think your mother is a racist? Wow, Joseph. Wow. Wow. I would do that with any stranger, Joseph. White, black, Latino, Asian. I don’t care. If I don’t know you, put my purse in the room. That’s a Louis Vuitton.” I go, “Mom, you know what you did. Stop right now. You’re making Andre feel very uncomfortable.” And my mom looked at me and goes, “I’m not making him feel uncomfortable. You are. Bringing me into the kitchen to talk to me. Are you kidding me right now? I’m doing everything to make Andre feel comfortable. I’m frying chicken, I put basketball on the TV.” “Out of everything you could’ve cooked tonight, you decided to fry chicken.” “Joseph, they love chicken.” They love… “They love chicken, Joseph.” Right when I said that, Andre walked into the kitchen. He’s, like, “Oh, I’m sorry. Sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know y’all was in the kitchen. Quick question: Are y’all frying chicken?” And my mom goes, “Yes, Andre. We’re… We’re frying chicken. But if you don’t like chicken, I can… I can cook something else, if… if you don’t like chicken.” And Andre was, like, “Oh, no, no. I love chicken. I eat it every day.” And then he walked out of the kitchen. And then my mom looked at me and went like this: [whispers] “I told you.” That’s a very racist… Right? That’s racist. Right, black guy? That’s a racist… You want to hear the most racist part about that story? Andre doesn’t talk like that. I gave Andre an ’80s black rapper voice because it’s funnier. If you ever meet Andre, he talks like this: “Hello. My name is Andre.” I made him talk… “I love chicken!” Who the fuck talks like that? I’ve never even met a black guy that talks about chicken like, [rapping] “I love chicken, I eat it every day. I eat that chicken in every kind of way.” [grunts] She’s getting married. My sister’s getting married. Shit. That’s good, right? How long have you guys been together? [woman] Eighteen years. Eighteen years? Goddamn. Eighteen strong years. You got kids? Two kids? How old are the kids. Eighteen and what? Did you watch the baby come out? Did you watch the baby come out? You better, man. You’ve got to watch that shit. That’s why a lot of you guys out there… If you don’t pay your child support, I want you to start thinking about what happened that day. And remember, that shit costs a lot of money. I give my ex whatever the fuck she wants. I saw that baby come out. Fuck that shit. And a lot of you women need to be more graphic with these guys that ain’t paying their child support. Let them hear. Stop being nice about it. “Your daughter wants to take ballet classes. She needs shoes and some lessons. Your son wants to play sports. He needs cleats and some gear.” Fuck that. Be graphic. “Why do I want extra money? Because those kids ripped my pussy apart. Ripped. Ripped. Ripped it. Ripped.” It doesn’t stay like that. I don’t want you to think it’s ripped and stays like that. That’s the cool thing about the vagina. It comes back together. It’s fucking… It’s like a Transformer. It’s like Pussimus Prime. It’s like, “Babybots.” [grinding] “What the fuck?!” I saw that baby come out. Fuck that shit. The vagina is beautiful, just not that day. That day, it’s its evil twin. It’s not even vagina. It’s called “va-gina.” “I am Va-gina. I’m delivering a baby. Push, baby. Oh, come out of Va-gina. Push! Oh, here comes the baby! Oh, here comes the baby! Oh, baby!” My son’s head was hanging out like this. And then she coughed, and he went back in. I was, like, “Oh, shit! Her pussy just ate the baby!” I just remember my son going, “Dad!” Dating. Dating, right? It’s rough, right? Shit. Here’s the thing about dating. All you need is just to be secure. Just be secure and your girl is gonna fucking love you. Stop being insecure. The minute you’re insecure and start questioning her, it fucking turns her off. Don’t question her every time she goes out with her girlfriends. “Where are you going?” “I’m going out with my girlfriends. I told you that already.” “Okay, what time are you gonna be home?” “I don’t know. Maybe later. I don’t know. What the fuck? Seriously? Do I do this shit with you on your fucking guys’ night out?” “I’m just saying. I just want to know…” [mumbling] They hate that shit. Just be secure and let her fucking go. That turns a girl on. Ignore her. She loves that shit. It pisses her off, and she loves it at the same time. When you don’t call her the whole time. It even confuses her when she leaves. “I’m going out with my girls.” “All right, see you.” “But are you gonna ask where…” “No. Just go with your girls.” “All right. That’s crazy.” Don’t call her the whole night. Just ignore her. She’ll be at the club, freaking out. Just fucking dancing, looking at her phone. “What the fuck?” That shit turns her on. Because guys get mad at girls when they go out with their girlfriends. Stop being insecure. Fuck it. If she goes out with her friends, she goes out with her friends. And the guys always get mad. “Yeah, but every time she goes out, guys buy her drinks, and then she fucking takes them.” No shit! They’re free, asshole. Wouldn’t you take a goddamn drink for free? If a girl walked up to you… “Hey, I’d like to buy you a drink,” you’d be, like, “What the fuck? Can you buy my friends some?” And if a guy is buying your chick at the club a drink, that means she’s one of the hottest chicks in the fucking club. So you should proud of that shit. And don’t get mad at her for getting free drinks. That’s her hustle. She’s hot, and she’s getting free drinks from a dude at a club. You don’t have to worry about it because she has your back. Every girl that has a man and she’s at a club has her dude’s back. Swear to God. And you know what I’m talking about. She’ll keep getting those drinks for free. She’ll get them, as many as she can. “I’m gonna drink free all night.” And then, when that question comes: “Do you have a boyfriend?” “Yeah, he’s at home. His name’s John. He’s black. Bye! Bye. Bye! Thank you!” Because that’s what women do. They get your back, and you know what I’m talking about. Every guy’s bought drinks for a girl that had a guy, and you know it. They drop it on you at the last second because that’s what women do. So, don’t get mad at your girl when she goes out with these guys. Let them go. Let them have as many drinks as they want. Let them fucking get tore the fuck up. As many drinks. Let her get them. As many drinks. “Thank you. Thank you.” All fucking night. She’s gonna get fucked up. And then she’s gonna come home drunk, and then she’s gonna want to suck your dick… on his tab! “What the fuck? This blowjob is free?!” Stop being insecure. Let them go. In fact, when your girl goes out, you go out. Don’t stay at home. Go get fucked up, too. That’s the best sex you’ll ever have. You both ignore each other all night, you both get fucked up with your own friends, and then you both come home drunk as shit. That’s the funniest shit. And the guy’s always the first one home. “Babe! Babe!” Nobody’s home. Then, all of a sudden, she walks through the door, drunk as shit. [chuckles] “Hi, baby.” She’s limping because she has one heel on. “Hi, baby.” “Hi, babe. Hi, babe.” “Hi, baby. Why didn’t you text me all night?” “I didn’t know where my phone was.” It’s a fucking square right here. That turns her on. “Your phone is right there, you stupid. Your phone’s right there, stupid. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” They’re drunk and horny. “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. I swear to God. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” And then he’s, like, “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” Then you guys walk towards each other, about to fuck each other, but it’s not even cute. It just looks like two zombies about to fuck each other. “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you.” The woman always gets to the bedroom first, completely naked. Completely naked. “Come on, baby. Come on. Oh, I’m gonna fuck the shit…” This foot completely dirty. This one clean, completely clean. This one… gravel in the heel. “Come on, baby. I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. Come on.” The man’s walking down the hallway, fully clothed. Drunk. Taking his time. He’s kind of mad, too, because not only is he drunk, but his dick is more drunk. And he doesn’t know what to do, because it’s about to happen, but he can’t. And drunk guys will talk to their dicks. They don’t give a shit. Like, “Come on, wake up. Come on. Why are you doing this to me? Let’s go. Why are you doing…” And their dick is, like, “I’m drunk, too, asshole. What the fuck do you want me to do?” We’ll start grabbing blood from anywhere. “Don’t do this to me. You need to give me something. Don’t do this to me.” But our dick’s our best friend. He doesn’t leave us hanging. He gives us something. It’s not much, but it’s something. It’s like half-and-half. Soft on top, hard in the middle. And it’s barely holding up. It’s just balancing on the balls like this. “Try this. This might work. This might work.” And we’re, like, “Are you sure you’re gonna work?” “Hurry up before I change my fucking mind.” And we go to put him in. He’s, like, “Man, I can’t fucking do this.” I love you guys. Thank you so much. Finally here
 You know I’m finally here
 Finally here
 You know I’m finally here
 I hear these people talking about
 Where I been
 I been on tour trying to work it out
 They talking, like “Man, you finally made it, dawg”
 Shit, I’m working on copping
 My second house
 I remember back when
 No one wanted to listen
 Kind of funny who done came and gone
 But I’m still here
 And I ain’t going nowhere
 Nah, it’s my time, homey
 This where I belong
 Truth is, I’m a savage
 Flow cold and politely
 But like a fat chick
 Fighting with a skinny trick
 Don’t take a brother lightly
 I know my enemies despise me…
 You know I’m finally here
 There’s no one to fear"
1686242930-406,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Fortune Feimster: Good Fortune (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/fortune-feimster-good-fortune-transcript/,"[upbeat music plays] [audience cheering] [announcer] Please welcome Fortune Feimster! ♪ I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I want ♪ ♪ So don’t you get in my way now That’s not what I want ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m a powerful woman ♪ ♪ Always get what I ♪ ♪ Powerful woman, oh, yeah ♪ [cheering] Oh man! Stop! [cheering continues] Stop! Chicago, what’s going on? [cheering] Oh man! Thank you for being here at the beautiful Chicago Shakespeare Theater. [cheering] A lot has transpired in the last couple of years, right? The world has dealt with some crazy stuff. It felt like the end of times, and I thought lesbians would be built for that, you know? [laughter] Put us in a bunker with some canned hams, we’re good.     [laughter] But things went south, and I learned a lot about myself. I found out I have zero survival skills. None. All I had to do was stay home. I got nothing accomplished. No sourdough was started in my house. I didn’t learn how to make cold brew. Nothing. It was my partner, Jax, who surprised me. She was the one outside painting our fence, rewired our electricity, fixed our plumbing. I was the one on the couch every night, just watching documentaries about old people in love. [sighs] Just crying in my Ugg boots. [laughter] I found out, y’all. I’m not butch. [laughter] Yeah. [cheering and applause] I am not butch, which is shocking, I know, ’cause I have these broad shoulders and my favorite color is plaid. [laughter] But this is a preview to a whole different movie than what you think you’re about to watch. As they say, the carpet does not match the drapes. Two things that I do not know how to install. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I look very handy, though. I do. I look handy. If you saw me and your car was broken down, you might assume I could fix your car. I got that look about me, ’cause that is what a butch lady can do. She can literally put your car on her back… [laughter] …and walk it to a service station. [laughter] She can actually just spit in your gas tank… [imitates spitting] …and your car will start. [laughter] [sighs] Magical. But that is not me. And men are the most mystified by this information. They come up to me constantly at, like, a Home Depot because they assume I work there. [laughter] They’re like, “Uh, what’s up, dude? Um…” “Where are the nails?” I’m like, “Ooh, I’m here for a potted plant.”     [laughter] “I do know they sell M&M’s at the checkout.” [laughter and applause] We got bored at one point, and we drove out to the desert in California, out to Joshua Tree, and I noticed up ahead on the freeway, there was this car broken down, and this guy whose car it was, he was really tall. He was ripped, shirtless, he had a man bun. Straight ladies, are we still into man buns? [woman] No! Oh, hard no right there. Wow. This guy had on black-and-white striped pants. Looked like a gorgeous prisoner that had escaped. Now his car is broken down on the side of the road. I’m driving past him, I look over my shoulder, I realize it’s Jason Momoa. Yeah. Oh, you like man buns now, don’t you? Yeah. That’s what I thought. [applause] It was Aquaman, miles from the ocean, just stranded in the desert without his superpowers. Beautiful, shirtless. I kept driving. [laughter] We’ve been over this. I can’t fix his car. I can’t give him a BJ while he waits for somebody else to fix his car. I got nothing for this man. [laughter] I did the next best thing. When I had to get gas, I went to his Instagram page. “Let me just double-check to see if it was him.” To me, all dudes look alike. [laughter] Went on his page, he had posted a picture of him in the black-and-white striped pants, side of the road. I went, “Oh my God, that was Jason Momoa.” And I gave his picture a like. [laughter and applause] I did my part. But I’m a lot different than what meets the eye. I am a dainty lady. I am a delicate flower. I like a massage every now and then. This girl likes to be pampered, y’all. I got a butt massage for the first time recently. Have y’all had one of those? Oh man! I’m not talking about an elbow to the glute. I’m talking full-on butt, booty massage. I mean, I was at this very respectable spa, on my stomach, and this guy just started going in on my ass. [laughter] Making noises too. [exhaling loudly] I went… [gasps] [laughter] I clutched my invisible pearls. [laughter] I had never been touched by a man like this before. [laughter]     He just kept digging into my butt, and he unlocked some sort of treasure. [laughter] I had never felt anything that good before. I went home that night light as a feather. A whole new woman. I cooked a three-course meal. I don’t even know how to cook. [laughter] I called a few days later. I had to book another appointment. This guy was booked solid for a month. I was like, “Oh, this is, like, his thing. He’s the butt massage guy, and everybody knows about it.” So I finally got back in there a month later, same thing. Went in on my ass. [exhales loudly] This time for, like, 30 minutes. He spent more time on my butt than I have ever spent taking care of my face. [laughter] He wouldn’t touch anything else. Like, my feet, “Ugh, gross! Ugh.” Just all butt. Went home. Called a couple of days later to make another appointment. [laughter] He had gotten fired. [laughter] Yeah, somebody ruined it for all of us. Freaking butt narc. [laughter] [groans] Turns out he unlocked too many treasures. [laughter] But the one person I did not want to find out that I’m not as tough as I appear is my partner, Jax. I did not want her to know this information, because before me, she dated nothing but butch women, and I’m talking butch. I’m talking cops, truckers, and bouncers. Oh my! [laughter] Butch. I’m a whole different vibe. I’m like, “Who wants a hug?” Like, so different. But we were going to this fancy Hollywood event, and I was trying to play the part, so I had on my Men’s Wearhouse suit. [laughter] Jax had on her dress and heels, and we got a phone call from the alarm company. They said our home alarm was going off, and did we want them to send security out to check? I said, “Absolutely.” We turn back around. We get home, and nobody’s there yet. Jax shifts. She goes, “Well, we got to go in and assess the situation.” I’m like, “No, we don’t.” [laughter] She said, “Well, my ex, Darlene, who was a cop, said that home alarms are the lowest of the priority.” I was like, “Wait.” “I thought that ex’s name was Pam.” She’s like, “There is a Darlene and a Pam. Maybe you’re thinking about Sheila.” I’m like, “How many cops?” [laughter] [groans] She dated, like, the whole lady force of Chicago.     [laughter] She said, “You’re really not gonna go inside and check the house?” I said, “No!” So she grabbed the high heel off of her foot like this and held it up like a weapon, and she charged in there with one shoe off. [laughter] Just going room to room, like she was gonna Jimmy Choo someone’s face if they jumped out. I stayed in the doorway ’cause I had on flats. [laughter] I’m like, “How am I gonna protect myself? I don’t have a kitten heel on, nothing.” [laughter] I heard a noise at one point, so I held the key fob up higher. [laughter] I was like, “I will press this button, I swear to God. It says ‘Panic, ‘ and I’m panicked.” [laughter] The alarm company called, they said it was a false alarm. A battery had died in one of the sensors. They said, “We are so sorry. We hope we did not cause you any inconvenience.” I said, “My partner now knows I am useless. This is very inconvenient.” [laughter] Jax came hobbling out. She said, “You could have at least gone in there with me.” I was like, “Oh my God, that did not even occur to me.” [laughter] So I am not the protector of my family. And I know why Jax is so strong. I do. She is a kindergarten teacher, and they are tough. They have to be. [cheering] Yeah. That’s a hard job. [applause] But I think about when I was in kindergarten in the ’80s, and, oh boy, they just let you do whatever. I have a picture of me at five years old in kindergarten class, and I am holding a hammer… [laughter] …and nails. I mean, first off, somebody should have taught me how to use ’em. [laughter] But I’m like, “Why am I holding a hammer and nails?” Were we practicing hammering? Was the teacher like, “All right, class, we’re gonna build shelves for the classroom, and then afterwards, maybe a nice bench for my garage”? That’s bonkers. Imagine your five-year-old right now. They cannot color inside of a giant circle, but you’re gonna hand them a large, heavy hammer and hope that they can hit this itty-bitty, tiny nail. No! But that’s the kind of stuff that they would do in the ’80s. I mean, recess alone was like, “Godspeed.” You were on your own. I mean, think about it. Our favorite game, dodgeball. You were taking a large, heavy ball and you were pummeling each other in the face as hard as you can. That’s where we had to learn to Matrix. [laughter] To keep from getting our teeth knocked in. That game did come in handy for me a little bit later on in high school. I dodged a couple of balls. Not many. Um… [laughter] Never caught one. It was actually Red Rover that would get the most intense. You guys remember Red Rover? [cheering] You get in a line with your friends and you lock arms. Your other friends would get in a line across from you and they’d lock arms. And then you yell, “Hold the line! Hold the line!” Like we’re Braveheart. [laughter] You’re staring your friends down from across the field. Your only objective is to run as hard as you can right towards that line, and they just wanna break your arm. [laughter] Then all you wanna do is when they’re running towards you, you wanna grab your neighbor’s arm, you wanna pull your arms up, and then you just wanna crush their clavicle. [laughter] And then you start taunting each other. You go, “Red Rover, Red Rover, you send that little bitch Timmy…” [laughter] “…right on over.” [cheering and applause] Timmy gets that look in his eye. He starts running as hard as he can. We’re like, “Hold the line!” Here he comes. We grab each other’s arm. We pull our line up. Now Timmy’s crashed through our line. Now our arm’s dangling from the socket. [laughter] We’re like, “Did we win? Did we hold the line?” Your teacher’s not doing anything. She’s over there on the blacktop, just smoking a Virginia Slim. [laughter] Having some sort of midlife crisis. [laughter] She’s like, “They don’t pay me enough to care about that.” [laughter] The PE equipment was insane. We had merry-go-rounds. They’re metal death traps. They were only fun if you would spin ’em 60 miles an hour, and then we would try to run and jump on ’em while they’re moving. [laughter] It’s like trying to jump on the hood of a moving vehicle. But there was nowhere to land. There was already 20 friends in a nook just going around.     [laughter] Couldn’t touch anything ’cause it’s 135 degrees in the sun. Inevitably one friend would fall off and get trapped. “Agh!” Bleeding from the kneecap now, we’re trying to get our teacher’s attention. She’s like, “20 more minutes!” [laughter] “This is me time.” [laughter] And because I’m from North Carolina, we used to play with tires. Yeah, I’m talking about tires that fell off of a Mack truck, rolled into the elementary school parking lot. Our administrators are like, “Well, we don’t got much of a budget, so we’ll figure out something to do with these old things.” These were large tires. You stand them up, they’re this tall, like 75 pounds, hollow in the middle. We had a hill in the back of our elementary school, so it was our teachers who had to push these tires up that hill, [grunts] Just so angry, just pushing them up there. They’re like, “I have a master’s in education.” [laughter] We ran up there, we took our little five-year-old bodies, and we would… We got into the middle of these tires. Our friend would take their five-year-old body, get in the other one. Then it was our teachers who would get behind each tire, and get momentum. [laughter] “All right, you little fuckers.” [laughter] “Get ready for the ride of your life.” And then they pushed us down a hill. We got speeds of, like, 20 miles an hour, 40 miles an hour, 60 miles an hour. There’s no handle. You’re just like… [yells] We crashed into a brick wall, flew out of the tire, vomited. [laughter] Your teacher came down the hill, put her cigarette out on your forehead. She’d be like, “Recess is dismissed. In fact, school’s dismissed. I got to go meet my man friend who I connected with via the newspaper.” [laughter] And that was recess in the ’80s. [cheering and applause] It was a different time, y’all. It was when you could take a large calculator and write the word “boobs.” Ah. My favorite number, 80085. [cheering] [Fortune chuckles] I mean, yeah, kids can get their phone out right now and see as many boobs as they want, but who got to write it out in numbers? We did. [cheering and applause] Good times, y’all. But I’m glad to be in a relationship. I like it. It suits me. Dating is hard. It’s really hard. I don’t know. You got to go on apps and swipe and do the things. Like, if I were single, my favorite dating app would be Grubhub. [laughter] For sure. I think swingers have it figured out. I do. It had to be tough for them dating in the pandemic, uh, but they have ways to let each other know that they are swingers. Did you guys know this? I’m gonna teach you. All right. I found out that if you want to let people know that you are a swinger, you can put flamingos in your front yard. Yeah. It gets very confusing in Florida and at my mom’s house. [laughter] Maybe that’s why she’s been busy on the weekends. I don’t know. [laughter] I don’t quite understand it. Do people just drive around the neighborhoods looking for a flock of flamingos? They see it, they ring your doorbell and tell you they’re down to clown. I don’t know. But I like it. There’s also, uh, an upside-down pineapple. You can put an upside-down pineapple on your front porch. Don’t put it right side up. That is just a pineapple. [laughter] I always assumed that an upside-down pineapple was letting people know that you like cake. [laughter] I would stop and ring a stranger’s doorbell for cake. [laughter] But I actually got approached by a swinger couple after a show. Uh, they came up to me. Yeah, it was very exciting. And I am not an ageist, I am just telling you a fact. This is just a fact of the story. They both had canes. [laughter] So this was not their first rodeo. [laughter] And the wife informed me that her husband really enjoyed the show, which I very much appreciated, and she said that he had told her by the end of the show that she was allowed to get with me. [laughter] [snickers] Sexually? I don’t know. [laughter] I didn’t know what to say. So I curtsied. [laughter] [cheering and applause] Which is not a no. [laughter] But it is polite. [laughter]     But you got to put yourself out there, date different people. I went out with different people. I went out with a nurse at one point. And God bless nurses. They have gotten us through this crazy time. [cheering and applause] Yeah. I thought it would be different. I thought she’d come home in a sexy nurse outfit and be like, “Who’s got an owie?” And I’d be like, “Me.” [laughter] But it didn’t work like that. She’d come home in her dirty-ass scrubs. She brought her work home with her. She was always following me around with a clipboard, asking me about my bowel movements. She thought I should lose weight, which, touché. [laughter] I’m just saying it wasn’t fun to eat nachos with her, ’cause she’d look at me and then look at the nachos and be like, “Okay.” [laughter] “All right. Well, someone made a choice.” “Mm-hm.” “Three kinds of cheeses, sour cream, and liquid cheese?” [laughter] I’m like, “It’s called queso.” [laughter] “And it’s Spanish for heart disease.” [laughter] “And it’s delicious.” I knew it wasn’t gonna work out right then and there. I was trying to find, like, a legitimate excuse to break things off. She’s doing the Lord’s work, and I didn’t wanna just be like, “Hey, you bum me out when I eat nachos.” [laughter] Then I eventually met Jax right here in Chicago. [cheering and applause] At Gay Pride. Yeah. [cheering] There’s hope. We met in a parking lot. [chuckles] We met in a parking lot. That’s how few lesbian bars are left in the United States. The lesbians are just relegated to a parking lot where you can either party or valet cars. It’s up to you. [laughter] But we dated for a bit, but I knew pretty early on that, uh, Jax was the one. And it got to the point where I knew it was time to propose, and I’m not known for romance, so I called my friend. I said, “Where should I propose to Jax?” And she said, “Oh, you got to go to Big Sur.” And no, that was not my nickname in high school. [laughter] It’s a town in California out by the coast, really beautiful bridges and cliffs. She said, “There’s this hotel, very romantic, call there.” I called the hotel, and whoever was on the phone was upselling everything. I just wanted a standard cabin. She goes, “Whoa! You’re gonna propose? Don’t you be cheap, okay? Don’t be cheap. You better upgrade to that ocean view, I’m telling you. It’s worth it. It’s gonna knock her tits off.” [laughter] I don’t know if she actually said that, but that was the energy she was bringing to the conversation. I’m like, “Fine.” I paid a bunch of extra money, got this ocean view that’s supposed to be great, and off we went. We get up there to this cabin, I walk in. A very old cabin, very expensive cabin. I said, “But wait till you see this view.” And I’m about to open that back door, and I say to her, “Hold on to your titties.” [laughter] And I open that back door, we walk outside, and it is just fog, fog, fog. Just a hateful fog. I’m like, “What is this? An 1800s lesbian period piece? Why is there so much fog? Is Kate Winslet down there searching for fossils?” [laughter] [groans] Not how I wanted things to start, but I was like, “It’s fine.” My plan was I was gonna take her to their fancy restaurant for dinner, and then I would go back to the room, and that is where I would propose. So I, uh… I called ahead to the hotel and I say, “Can you guys help me make our room look like it does in The Bachelor?” I don’t know, ladies seem to like that. “Can we get some candles and rose petals, uh, how about some champagne? How about some strawberries? But let’s dip them in chocolate. Otherwise it’s fruit.” [laughter] They said absolutely, charged me a bunch of money. Happy to pay, happy to have the help. So off we went. We go to dinner. I go find the waiter ’cause I need his help. I tell him what’s going on. So I walk up to him and I see that his name is Craig. And Craig is very dramatic. I think that he does local theater up there. [laughter] So I walk up to him. I go, “Hi, Craig,” and he goes, “Hi.” [laughter] I said, “Craig, I am going to be proposing to my girlfriend tonight,” and he goes, “Oh… my… God!” [laughter] He reminded me of the candlestick in Beauty and the Beast. Just a lot of, like, “You will propose, and the curse will be broken!” [laughter] I was like, “Thank you. I’m very excited, but I’m nervous. I don’t want dinner to drag on. This ring is burning a hole in my pocket. So they’re doing stuff to our room. Do you mind near the end of dinner, calling the front desk, finding out if our room is ready, then giving me some sort of signal, and that’s when I’ll know to wrap it up?” He goes, “Absolutely. You got it.” [laughter] I said, “You don’t need to offer dessert, I’m taking care of that in the room.” He goes, “Okay.” And then he turns around like this… [laughter] …and leaves. [laughter] I’m like, “I like Craig.” So we start eating this meal, and every course that comes out just ends up being weirder than the next. It’s too fancy for us. It’s too fancy. It’s a lot of foams and tentacles and shells. A lot of stuff from that “ocean” I keep hearing about. [laughter] So everything is just a hair off, but we finally finish dinner, and, uh, I’m ready to get the night going, and Craig goes, “Hi, ladies. Who wants dessert?” I’m like, “Not us, Craig.” He goes, “Oops!” [laughter] I was like, “Craig! You had two jobs, bud.” [laughter] How could someone be so excited and incompetent all in one body? [laughter] So now Jax is very confused, ’cause she’s never not seen me order dessert. [laughter] And I’m staring at her and I don’t know what to say. I’m thinking about getting this right, I want it to be perfect. It’s the one story that everybody asks you about. They want every detail. And Craig’s not coming, he’s not coming. It is the least romantic dinner of our life. And then finally, after what felt like a lifetime, Craig sneaks up behind Jax. [laughter] And he’s now hovering over her shoulder. She has no idea that he is behind her, and he is just staring at me so… intensely. [laughter] I have been with Jax for seven years. We have never looked at each other in the eye for as long as Craig is staring at me. [exhales] Then finally, he goes… “Mm!” [laughter] So proud of himself. Turns around. Into the fog, never to be seen of again. [cheering and applause] We’re heading to the room. I’m trying to think of all the things I want to say to Jax. I just want it to be perfect, I want it to be romantic. We’re getting up to the door, I’m starting to sweat. I’m getting nervous, and when I get nervous, I start doing finger guns. [laughter] So I look at Jax and start going… [laughter] And then I am ready to open that door to romance. We walk in there, and it just looks like a crime scene. [laughter] Our eyes are adjusting ’cause it’s weirdly lit. You know what a room looks like when just the bathroom light’s been left on? I’m looking around, there’s, like, 50 tea light candles, but they’re all battery-operated. And half of them are just dead. They’re just dead. Ten are flickering, like, “We’re trying!” [laughter] My OCD brain is like, “Who made this call?” But I can’t even focus on it because I’m standing on a mound of something. There are rose petals everywhere. Everywhere! Not in any way that makes sense. There’s no heart shape or initials. It’s just chaos. It looks like someone opened that back door, a bunch of shit flew in the room, then they grabbed a leaf blower… [imitates leaf blower buzzing] …and called it a night. I’m like, “Did I order the ‘It’ll Do’ package?” [laughter] “What is this?” And when you guys think of roses and romance, what color do you think of? [audience] Red! Red? Interesting. [laughter] Well, these were white rose petals, half-dead. I googled later, “What do white roses stand for?” It’s chastity. Yeah. This is, in fact, an 1800s lesbian period piece. [laughter] So even though they did not apparently allow real candles in this cabin, they did light a roaring fireplace, and that was exactly where they decided to place the chocolate-covered strawberries and the bucket of ice with champagne. Both are just profusely dripping onto the floor. Nothing about this scenario makes Jax think that she is about to get proposed to. [laughter] I have a split second to decide which direction I am going with this night. Do I call the front desk and be like, “Somebody broke into our room and destroyed it”? [laughter] Or do I lean into this and pretend that every single thing that is happening in that room is exactly how I planned it? So now I’m staring at Jax like a deer in headlights. I can’t think of any of the romantic things I was gonna say to her. I’m sweating again. I’m getting nervous. Oh man, here come the finger guns. [laughter] I forget to get on my knee. I can’t think of anything. I’m panicked, so I just go… [laughter] And I yelled, “You wanna?” [laughter] Jax curtsied. [laughter and applause] And then, thank goodness, she said yes. [cheering and applause] Phew. So, um… So now that we were engaged, we had to start planning our wedding. And we were engaged for a while, ’cause truth be told, Jax and I are not big planners. And then my mom, Ginger, started offering up her wedding planning services. And I was like, “Oh boy.” Because my mom got remarried later on in life, and I was at that wedding, and, um, my mom had a circus theme. [laughter] Yeah. She was marrying this old-school Southern guy who sounded like Foghorn Leghorn. [laughter] He was not part of the planning. Uh, I don’t know if my mom thought she was planning a 12-year-old’s birthday party or her wedding, but that’s what happened. It was a circus theme. She invited 300 people. That’s right, 300 people. To come to the Methodist church for this big party. And she rented a red-and-white striped circus tent and had them put it inside the fellowship hall. Not outside where tents go. Inside. [laughter] She rented a cotton candy maker. She said,” I’m gonna serve nachos with ‘jalapee-nos, ‘” as she called them. There was a juggler. I guess I was the clown. [laughter] She had just 12 gallons of ice cream. The main entrée was a hot dog cart. She just found some guy on the side of the road the week before, and was like, “What are you doing on Saturday?” And this guy got there. I don’t think he’d sold more than 20 hot dogs in a day. And now he has 300 starving people wrapped around the church, just desperate for one of his wieners. [laughter] He was just like, “Agh!” Panic. In the middle of this party, there were two round, plastic baby pools. I was like, “Are we bobbing for apples now?” No. My mom had put ice in both of these plastic baby pools and then put canned soft drinks in both of these pools and announced to the party that these were our coolers. [laughter] I walked in there and I saw two plastic baby pools being used as coolers, and I thought, “Here I am working so hard in Los Angeles, trying to make a name for myself, and we are trash.” [laughter] “We are trash.” My mom’s man friend walked in there in his penny loafers, not knowing what was going on. He about fainted. Like, “I do declare!” [laughter] But the best part was the entertainment. They had a woman from the church choir singing, and this was her big solo moment, and she took center stage so confidently, and she started singing. ♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪ ♪ Over the hill and everywhere ♪ ♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪ ♪ That Ginger ♪ ♪ Got married ♪ [cheering and applause] Oh, there was more. She started singing… ♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪ ♪ Oh when the saints go marching in ♪ ♪ How I want to be in that number ♪ ♪ When the saints go marching ♪ ♪ In ♪ [cheering] [Fortune laughs] That marriage lasted three months. [laughter] That circus tent was up longer than my mom’s marriage lasted. So… [laughs] We started planning our wedding and, uh, did not involve my mom. The pandemic hit, and we thought, “Well, I guess we’re not gonna be able to get married.” Uh, but then the fall came, it was October, and we’re like, “Actually, this is the perfect time to get married. We can do it how we want and we don’t have to worry about anybody else.” So yeah, it was great. [applause] We planned it in two weeks, rented an Airbnb out by the ocean, had a stranger in a mask be our officiant. We Zoomed our families. I think my mom is still on that Zoom call. [laughter] And it’s not how either of us ever thought that we would get married, but it ended up being perfect ’cause it was just about us and just about our day, and, uh, we even got baptized that day. Not on purpose. [laughter] But… But we were taking these, uh, these photographs, and we saw the sun was setting, and there was these stairs down to the ocean. We were like, “Oh my gosh, we got to get a picture here.” So we stand over there, and our amazing photographer got a series of pictures. And in our first picture, we look beautiful. We look like, uh, two lesbians at prom together. [laughter] Gorgeous picture. Our second picture, we’re kind of doing this ’cause something is looming over us. Like the principal who’s angry that two lesbians went to prom together. [laughter] Then in the third picture, we’re doing this because the ocean is now crashing into our earholes. Fourth picture, we’re completely covered by water. Fifth picture, the ocean’s been sucked back out to sea, and we’re dripping wet like… [laughter] “So glad we decided to take this picture in the sunset.” [laughter] We have all these pictures, and I think it means it’s good luck. That’s what I’ve been told. It’s good luck. We’re gonna go with that. But, uh, a few days after we got married, they announced online that we had gotten married, and we got a lot of love and a lot of support, which I really appreciate. [cheering and applause] I try to put out positivity, so when it comes back to me, it means so much. I try not to focus on negative stuff. I try to surround myself, uh, with positive things. I try not to read negative comments, but in a job like mine, you do hear from a lot of people. And I don’t see everything, but occasionally a turd will get through. [laughter] And I happened to see this message on that day that was sent to me directly. And, uh, I wanted to read that message to you guys, if that’s okay. [woman] Yes! Yes! All right. It’s from a guy named Gary, and, uh, I will preface it with you are not going to like this message, but we are going to unpack it together. [laughter] So here’s what Gary wrote to me on the day it was announced that I got married. He said, “How long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz?” I was like, “Wow, that is very specific.” [laughter] There was no grammar in that message, by the way. He was like, “Mentally ill taco licking…” I’m like, “I think he means ‘mentally ill, ‘ comma, ‘taco, ‘ hyphen…” You guys get it. Already I’m doing him favors. [laughter] And I guess I was bored on this particular day, because I was like, “I just got to see what this person looks like. Who sends a message like this to a complete stranger?” So I went on his page, and he did not have a picture of himself. It was a picture of an American flag, and written across of it, it said, “We need God in America again.” That is what Gary leads with on Instagram, and then that was the message that he sent me. I was like, “I don’t know that God would be into the phrase ‘taco-licking.'” [laughter] Call me crazy, which he did… [laughter] …but that did not sound very Christ-like to me. [laughter] By the way, there is nowhere in the Bible where it says what you can or cannot do with your Mexican food. Just so you know. [cheering and applause] That is up to you, my friends. So then Gary said that we should be put in Alcatraz. Now, I don’t know if he doesn’t have Google… [laughter] …but Alcatraz has not been a prison for a while. If that’s what he intended, it’s not a prison. It’s actually a museum, and it’s a museum in San Francisco, which is one of the gayest cities in the whole world. [cheering and applause] I’m like, “Is Gary telling me I should be in a gay museum?” “Gary, stop. Am I a trailblazer? Stop, Gary.” At the top of the message, it said that he and I did not follow each other, which was not a surprise. But it did say that we followed one person in common. I’m like, “Who in the world could Gary and I possibly agree on? We seem like very different people.” And it said, “You both follow Oprah.” [laughter] What? I have to say, I did not take Gary as an Oprah kind of guy. But that is how famous Oprah is. She builds bridges. [laughter] So I read the message again. “How long have you and your wife been mentally ill, taco-licking lesbians who should be put in Alcatraz?” And I was like, “Why have I not moved on from this message?” [laughter] And I’m looking at it. “What is it?” Then it hit me. I was like, “Oh my God. Gary just recognized my marriage.” He said, “Your wife,” and that is called progress. [cheering and applause] Granted, he spelled “wife” with a Y, but I know what he meant. [laughter] And listen, there are a lot of people who fought many, many years for someone like me to be able to say “wife.” Gary said it in 2.2 seconds without even thinking. His head would explode if he knew how progressive that message was. So that is, in fact, progress, my friends. [cheering and applause] So we got married, we stayed at home for the next year like everybody else. I couldn’t go on the road and do my job, which was really weird. And now that I’m back on the road, I do not take it for granted anymore. It is such a beautiful thing to come out and make people laugh, and to add some sort of levity to the world. I love Chicago, I love coming here. It’s one of my favorite cities. [cheering and applause] There was only one city on this tour I was nervous to go back to, and that was Des Moines. [laughter] Last time I was there, it was in the middle of winter, and I forgot that in the Midwest, when it is wintertime, and people are freezing, they get hammered. Hammered. It is too cold to go outside, there is nothing else to do. So I get to the venue, and girls are coming out of the bathroom like this. There is toilet paper on the bottom of their shoes. It is 7 p.m. That is where we are starting this night. So I get out on stage, and they are just wanting to party. They’re sending shot after shot, and I like drinks, but my vice is milkshakes, so I’m good. And they keep wanting me to drink Fireball Whisky. They love Fireball Whisky. I think it tastes like a bottle of gasoline with a stick of Big Red chewing gum plopped in the middle. [pretends to retch] I’m like, “I’m good.” They’re like, “What?” “She doesn’t like Fireball!” “She doesn’t like Fireball. Shit!” They cannot fathom this information. So now as an audience, they only care about trying to figure out what drink to send me next. “All right, okay, she doesn’t like Fireball.” “All right. Oh, vodka!” “Yeah, send it, send it!” All these vodka and cranberries start coming to the stage. “I’m not really a vodka person.” They’re like, “What?!” “Uh, she doesn’t like vodka. Shit, she doesn’t like vodka.” “All right. Oh, beer! Yeah, send it.” All these beers start coming to the stage. I’m like, “I never acquired a taste for it.” They’re like, “Well, that’s surprising.” [laughter] I know I look like somebody that would pound a beer, take the can and crush it on my forehead, and still recycle. [laughter] [cheering and applause] I’m now taking these drinks they’ve passed up. I’m passing it back out to them. I am only making them drunker. They go, “Please, for the love of God, tell us what you drink. You cannot leave Iowa without having a drink with us.” I’m like, “That’s a weird rule, but all right.” [laughter] I’m trying to think of a drink that’s gonna take a while to make ’cause then I can do my job, tell some jokes. I go, “A sangria.” [laughter] I forgot where I was. [laughter] I was like, “All right, an old-fashioned.” I assume they got to find a mixologist with a little mustache. He’s gotta freeze a large ice cube, bitters, slice an orange… It’ll take a while. Two minutes later, these gorgeous old-fashioneds show up. “All right, fine. Is this gonna make you happy?” I grab this drink that’s meant to be sipped, and I just… Down the gullet. [sighs] They are so pumped. You would think I had just competed in a decathlon. [laughter] So they’re having a good time. We get back into the show, we’re laughing, the show’s great. Later, they start getting restless again. I’m like, “What now?” I look back, and there’s this older woman trying to make her way through the crowd. She’s got short, spiky, gray hair, she’s got this worn face like she has seen some shit. [laughter] She’s got a leather vest on. I assume she’s got a dreamcatcher in her car. [laughter] She’s walking very confidently towards the stage, and she lands right there at the end of the stage, and I look and I see that she is holding a Smirnoff Ice. [audience member] Oh! And she looks at me and she goes, “Hey. My name’s Linda…” [laughter] “…and you are about to get iced.” [laughter] I grabbed the Smirnoff Ice and I said, “What time capsule did you dig this out of?” [laughter] Thinking the whole crowd would agree. They start chanting, “Iced, iced, iced, iced, iced!” They are relentless. I’m like, “What is iced?” I have no idea what they are talking about. This very sweet Midwestern woman stands up. She goes, “Getting iced is when you get down on your knees, you take that bottle of Smirnoff Ice, you drink that whole bottle all in one gulp, and that is getting iced.” [laughter and applause] I’m not getting on my knees and drinking a Smirnoff Ice. The whole room yells, “Those are the rules!” I’m like, “I am a grown woman, professional comedian.” Linda yells, “Get on your knees!” [laughter] “You are getting iced!” [laughter] [laughter continues] [cheering] So I got on my knee. This would have come in handy during my proposal. [laughter] And I start chugging this God-awful Smirnoff Ice. Like… [groans] This malt liquor bullshit’s falling down my face. It’s all sticky and gross, it’s ruining my perfectly good cardigan. They’re just going nuts. The audience is going nuts. I’m like… [groans] I finally finish this drink. Mm. [exhales] And I stand up. And something about that old-fashioned… [laughter] …and that Smirnoff Ice… and that low gravity… [laughter] …did not mix. I am immediately seeing double. I don’t finish my set. I don’t say goodnight. I just look at the crowd and I said, “You did this.” [laughter] And I left. [applause] Passed out backstage. I come to, like, two hours later in the promoter’s car. I’m waking up, I’m like, “How did I get here?” She said, “Well, three very large security guards had to carry you outside.” [laughter] I’m like, “I did not ask that.” [laughter] “And it could have been done with two.” [laughter] I said, “No, what happened?” She said, “Well, you got iced. I don’t know if it was that, if it was the mix of the two alcohols.” I said, “Get me out of Des Moines!” [laughter] She goes to start the car, and it will not start. I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I am not getting stuck in Des Moines!” It’s freezing cold, it’s late at night, there’s no Ubers, my plane’s leaving soon, people are icing me. [laughter] I’m just ready to leave, and I hear the doors burst open to the club. I look over. Here comes Linda. [laughter] She saddles up to the car. “What’s up, ladies?” [laughter] I’m like, “Hey, Linda.” [laughter] I’m trying not to make eye contact with her, ’cause I don’t know what kind of powers that dreamcatcher has. [laughter] I said, “Hey, Linda, uh, our car won’t start, but we’re good. We got it. Thank you for coming. Good night.” She took a look at me, she goes… [clicks tongue] Gives me a wink. Walks to the back of the car, opens up that gas tank. [pretends to spit] Spit in the gas tank, and I got the heck out of Des Moines. [cheering and applause] Oh, Linda. [Fortune chuckles] So I have now been married for two years. [cheering and applause] And it’s great. I love it. And, uh, we get that next question that you always get when you’re newly married. Everybody wants to know if we’re having kids. And I’ll tell you parents, you are not making it look fun. [laughter] You guys all have a glaze in your eyes. So we’re dog moms right now. That’s what we’re doing. And, uh, we’ll see what happens. But we have this little Pomeranian named Biggie. [cheering] So cute. He’s a little guy, eight pounds, and a very happy, healthy guy, but he came down with something called HGE. Now it’s this thing that dogs can get where they go from being totally healthy and fine to being super, super sick, and it can be deadly. It comes on fast, like 48 hours, and vets don’t know how dogs get this. They say it could be from something they ate, it could be from stress. I was like, “The Humane Society found Biggie eating out of a dumpster, and now he is walking around Beverly Hills in my wife’s Gucci purse.” [laughter] “He ain’t got no stress.” [laughter] His food is more expensive than mine. He ain’t got no stress. So we have no idea where this came from or how he got it, but the signs of it start to show up at the beginning of our flight from LA to New York City, five and a half hours, and every hour, he got significantly worse. We couldn’t do anything. We landed, it took us an hour to drive into New York City. We went straight to an animal hospital. Jax took him in the examination room, and I was filling out tons of paperwork. It’s so different than when I grew up with pets. I mean, back in the day, your dog slept inside, outside, your neighbor’s house. It’d roll up after two days, you’d be like, “Sparky, where’ve you been?” [laughter] Your dog ate whatever leftovers your grandma threw over the fence from the Sizzler. And if suddenly your dog required a large medical procedure, your parents were straight up just like, “It’s been fun, Sparky.” [laughter] And that was it. But now I am the adult. I have to be the one that makes these decisions. So I filled out everything, and I hadn’t seen Biggie in 45 minutes, so I don’t know how he’s doing at this point, but I do know this. It is time for me to step it up and be that protector of my family. It is time for me to be butch. [laughter] I have my Rocky moment, I’m, like, hitting myself in the face. I would do a push-up, but I can’t. [laughter] I’m all bowed up, ready to walk in that room, all tough. I walk in that door, and Biggie’s laid on the floor. There’s blood everywhere, he is way worse, and I lose it. I just start going… [screams] “No!” And Jax goes, “Get out of here! You’re bumming us out.” [laughter] I got kicked out of the room! [laughter] I was forced to stand behind the glass door. [laughter] I’m just staring at my family. And I’d finally calmed down ’cause the nurse gave me a lollipop. [laughter] And I was so frustrated, I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn’t just pull it together for three freaking minutes, but it’s not who I am. I’m a Cancer, I’m sensitive, and I cannot change that about myself. So I go wait in the lobby till four in the morning. Jax joins me, they go take Biggie back and hook him up to all these machines. Finally, the vet comes out and he talks to us. He says, “Listen, it is bad. He is at, like, 5%. And we will do whatever we can to try and save him, but for us to do that, he will have to be here for three to four days, round-the-clock care. He’s gonna have to have transfusions, plasma. We can’t even guarantee that it will work. But for us to try, it is going to cost a minimum of $10,000. What do you two want to do?” [laughter] [laughter continues] Jax is like, “$10,000? I’m a teacher. That’s like a whole year’s salary.” [laughter] I’m like, “$10,000? He’s eight pounds. How much plasma could he possibly need? He can’t just share a crate with a squirrel?” [laughter] The vet’s like, “I need an answer.” I’m like… [groans] Jax isn’t saying anything, so it’s clear I’ve got to make this decision. I’m like… [groans] I’m like, “What would my parents do? No, no, don’t think that.” [laughter] Jax is starting to get more upset. I’m like… [groans] [exhales] [sighs] So I pulled out my man wallet… [laughter] …and I grabbed my credit card and slammed it on the table. I said, “Charge it.” And then I looked Jax dead in the eye, and I said, “You think Darlene could have done that?” [cheering and applause] “No!” [cheering] “Pam is broke. Sheila has shitty-ass credit.” [laughter] Who’s butch? I’m butch! [cheering and applause] And the best part is, you guys, they did, in fact, save Biggie’s life. [cheering] Who’s that? [loud cheering] This is Biggie, everybody! [cheering] Worth every single penny right here, you guys. [cheering] And give it up, everybody, for my wife, Jax! [cheering and applause] That’s it from me, everybody. Thank you so much. [cheering and applause] Aw, thank you, guys. Thank you, Chicago! [cheering continues] [upbeat music plays] Look at that. Goodnight, you guys. Thank you. [cheering continues] [upbeat music continues] ♪ You know we like to keep it lowkey ♪ ♪ Windows down, feel the breeze ♪ ♪ No cares, no worries ♪ ♪ Just you and me ♪ ♪ You and I, we don’t have to try ♪ ♪ We just work, can’t deny ♪ ♪ I know you’ll stay by my side Ride or die ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪ ♪ it’s feeling good, good, good ♪ ♪ Good, good, good, good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good, good, good ♪ ♪ Good, good, good, good ♪ ♪ It’s feeling good ♪"
1686242334-262,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Doug Stanhope on babies and abortion,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/doug-stanhope-babies-and-abortion/,"From “Dead Beat Hero” (2004) Immigration. There’s too many people in this fucking country. But I think if you’re gonna focus on keeping people out, you gotta focus on the people who don’t contribute to society. That’s an old brainer but… And there’s a specific group of over four million people that come into this country every year and don’t contribute a fucking thing. And everyone knows who I’m talking about. But no one wants to say it cause it’s politically incorrect, but fuck that. You know who I’m talking about… Officer Bob? You know who I’m talking about? Who am I talking…? Babies! That’s who I’m talking about. Babies! They come out of your hole, they come into this country, they don’t speak the language, they don’t wanna work. They just take, and they take… And they cause a roc[??], and they waste all of our natural resources. I say put the border patrol agent at the foot of your uterus. Anything comes out without a visa you kick it back in the hole. “What’s your name? You’re not on the list. Get back behind the velvet rope.” “The club is overfull. We’ll call you when we need you.” Sick of other people. “Oh Doug, don’t you do it. Anti-baby beat on every CD? “Yes, cause you won’t stop having them, so I’m gonna keep saying it. Almost every problem in the world boils down to too many fucking people. And I’m not just talking out of my… I had my vasectomy, I have no children. Anyone else had a vasectomy? Who did? Did you? Get him a drink. That’s a true American hero right there. Don’t name the fucking memorial highway after him. After that guy. Every time you get a good parking space… There you go, remember that guy, yes. Thanks. He’s the guy who didn’t have someone parking there. Every time you’re fucking stuck in traffic, yes you think about the… Brainers. “Hey, no traffic at all the day…”. Thank you. How long before you blew it on after you had it? Do you remember? Two weeks? I waited 8 days. Cause they tell you “Wait 72 hours”. I developed what they call granuloma. If don’t know how they do a vasectomy… What they do is they go in and they make a small incision on each side of your scrot sack, and then they go in with a tweezer thing, and they remove your courage, and your confidence, and your social skills, and your sense of humor, and your need for any personal hygiene… And they replace it with a violent fear of sneezing. So I had that done out of respect for the world. And then I get granuloma that is when you continue to leak semen in you bag sack, and then your bag sack start swelling out bigger and bigger every day– did you get that? No? I have pictures of it on my website cause people thought I was exaggerating. It was like… I called it the “Hindenburg”. It was like a hippety-hop in between my legs. It was like the Blueberry kid from Willy Wonka. And they’re telling me “Wait 72 hours”. And I go “What kind of superhero is jerking off with this going on?” Six days?? I waited 8 days and… And I didn’t even wanted jerk off then, but you go 8 days without… I’ve never gone 8 days in my natural low blowing life without emptying it all… But weird shit happens in your head after that about the time. I’m getting deviant thoughts watching TV commercials that don’t even have people in them! I had to do something. I jerked over my eyes closed with two fingers squinting like a little girl in a horror movie. “I don’t wanna see what’s coming out of there… Blood, or stitches, or chili…” I didn’t think I needed a vasectomy. I was like some convenient frame of my mind. Cause I’ve dumped irresponsible nuts over my all life and never came up unlucky, right? With the babies… I think with all the shit I’ve done to my body I was surprised I had sperm that was still white. Much less potent. So I knocked up my wife a year and a half ago. It was the first abortion… The only abortion, I’ve had… But it was might have been the longest abortion of all time. It took a month to have. Has anyone had an abortion? You’re all rapt with attention now, all of a sudden, so I assume you all have. It’s a fucking horrible thing to go through. And not horrible in that “Oh, it’s a living thing, what are we doing?” Fuck the living thing. A genital wart is a living thing. If it’s gonna irritate you for life, burn it off, right? Bladder cancer is alive and growing like a baby in you. If you try to remove that I’ll protest you and say “stop playing god.” It’s horrible. We panicked and then do any research… Cause you have options when it comes to abortion out. It’s not like in 1955, when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best, right? You feed her a tapeworm, and hope it takes a left at the Y. I mean you have medical options. I was hoping that you had the option of doing it live on a crowded airplane, so it might serve as an example to living babies on, that were already on board, and thinking about screaming through the all flight. Little scared straight program to the infance but… Can’t do that. But we did the RU-486 cause it sounded easy. Yes, it sounds like, “Oh, it’s an abortion pill!” “Hey, what do you want, surgery or a pill?” And you go “Ah, that sounds like you just take a Flintstone vitamin and you wait for the abortion fairy to come and she leaves a quarter onto your womb, and no one knows the whys about. But no. It was a long story and I won’t get into the graphic details about. But it would took a month to have this… And what was more fucked up is how they treat you. There was just this clinic… Cause we had to go to the different ones[??] of the same [??]. And they were all fucking assholes, and they treated you like shit because they can. And that’s a problem. Even though abortion is legal… Yes, for a limited time only. Get it all them hot girls, cause John Ashcroft came to town and he knows your body better than you. Trust your government. That blue light specials are about to end. But even though it’s legal, it still lives in that grey area of shame where if you even bring it up in a fucking basement drunken comedy club it creates a church like bingo all silence. And that’s how they treat you… like shit. Because they can get away with it. It’s like dildos, right? They’re legal, except for Mississippi, “You’re gonna jail for that!” They’re legal. Say you wanna go to get a dildo tonight. You go out to the smut shop, you get a nice topshop, a fucking blue wiggler, and you bring it home, and you jam[??] the batteries in it… But then the neck doesn’t swivel quiet right for the G spot. And then little robber rabbit doesn’t quiet reach you clitoris, like it says it will on the box. What are you gonna do? Bring it back? You’ll have to get have liquored up on draft beer just to walk into that joint. Much less stop buying Monday morning on the way to your accountant position when you’re… “How you did it talk to someone [??] This doesn’t reach my clitoris, There’s something… Can I try on a different one?” They gonna tell you to pound sand and get out of the store. Who you gonna call? The better business bureau? “I have clitoral rights and that was denied then!” It’s the same with an abortion. They know that I’m not gonna walk into a crowded clinic with my wife and slap my hand down on the form and go: “This is the worst abortion I have ever had, I want to see your manager.” “I want to talk to your manager. You call this an abortion?” “I would be embarrassed to put out this kind of workmanship, my friend.” “I’m gonna tell my friends about this, yes I am.” “I’m not gonna have my abortions here anymore.” “You have lost a very valuable customer today, my friend.” “I’m cutting up my priority club membership card.” You’re gonna fucking stare at me like you don’t have any… Yeah, fine. Before you actually go and get all quiet and pissy, like I’m some asshole about this, keep in mind I’m just telling you the parts that I think are funny. You don’t know the reason we had… The reason we had an abortion was… It wasn’t because… It wasn’t frivolous. We didn’t have an abortion because we weren’t ready to take care of a child, we were irresponsible, or because we’re not financially capable of taking… The reason we had it is ’cause I really wanted to see what it felt like to kill a baby. I just do not want you to judge."
1686242414-282,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Mark Normand Stand-Up – The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (2019) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mark-normand-stand-up-tonight-show-starring-jimmy-fallon/,"Aired on September 19, 2019 Hey, hey. All right. Thanks. Sorry. A little sluggish. Really did it up last night. I got to take it easy on the booze, you know. My cousin’s a doctor. He thinks we should get rid of alcohol. Said it kills 2 1/2 million people every year, which is sad, but, I mean, think of how many people it produces. Yeah. It’s got to be like 3-to-1, you know? If my parents didn’t drink, I might not be here. I’m definitely going to name my kids after the substance that got them conceived. “This is my daughter Tequila. This is my son Jager.” “What about the kid hugging your leg?” “Ha! That’s Molly.” Yeah, went out with my friend. He’s gay. We get along really well. He’s gay, I’m broke. I feel like poor people and gay people have a lot in common, you know, right? Both born that way. Yeah. Yeah. Women just want to be our friends. And when you finally tell your parents they’re like, “Yeah, we knew.” Yeah. Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, we were drinking that White Claw. You guys ever touched — Yeah, that stuff’s — It’s too much. I like White Claw because it sounds like the new Marvel hero — White Claw, you know? Sounds like Wolverine’s overprivileged nephew, you know? White Claw’s superpower would be showing up to a wedding in flip-flops and driving his dad’s boat while hitting a Juul. Yeah. I’m doing better, though. I used to black out four or five nights a week. I’ve cut back. Now my phone is my main addiction. Everybody goes, “Hey, phone addiction — better than alcohol.” I don’t know. Same side effects. Both dangerous while driving, both what I go to when I’m nervous at a party, and both have helped us all sleep with very regrettable people. Right? The phone is just the new booze. Both are fun, but if you do it too long, it just becomes depressing. You know, you drink too much, you’re like, “I hate myself.” You look at your phone too long you’re like, “Ah, even Jeff found love? God!” Yeah. [Cheers and applause] Yeah. It’s too much. Too much. Yeah. My biggest fear used to be the bar closing. That was, like, my biggest fear. Now my biggest fear is my phone dying, you know? Which is pretty good. 100 years ago, we had real problems. “My baby’s got the black lung. She might not make it through the night.” I’m like, “I’m at 2%. I might actually have to feel something.” Yeah. I’m hooked. Oh, geez. Yeah, I actually carry a battery pack on me now in case my phone dies. That’s insane. That’s like carrying a flask to fill up your empty flask. That’s where I’m at. And I don’t even know — can you quit a phone? You know, like, If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up drinking,” I go, “Good for you.” If somebody goes, “Hey, I gave up my phone,” I’m like, “How did you get here?” Yeah. The phone is ruining our lives. It’s bad. You know, I was walking down Third Avenue. I was next to a homeless guy. He was drunk. I was on my phone. We were doing the same stuff, you know? He’s yelling about the government. I’m tweeting at Trump, you know? He’s creepily staring at beautiful women. I’m scrolling through Instagram, you know? He’s flashing everybody. I’m sending a photo of mine. Yeah. I don’t know. [Cheers and applause] Yeah, we don’t know how to connect anymore. You know, my friend just got dumped, so I took him out, tried to wing-man him, meet some ladies for him. Didn’t go too well. You know, he got upset. He’s like, “Screw this. Let’s go to a strip club.” I don’t get that logic. You know, to me, that’s like going fishing, not catching anything, and being like, “Screw this. Let’s go to the aquarium.” It’s the same thing. Yeah. Yeah. [Cheers and applause] Oh, yeah. The only difference is — no one leaves an aquarium going, “I tell you — I think that flounder was into me. That’s one hot piece of bass.” Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. I got to figure something out. I’m 35. You know, I’m at the age where all my friends are getting divorced. And, yeah, it’s tough. I’m surprised people still want to get married. That shocks me, especially younger people. They’re so against traditional stuff, you know? But, yet, every lady I know is dying to get married, which blows my mind. Ladies, you’ve come so far, so much progress, but, yet, when it comes to marriage, you guys get very old-fashioned. “I want the ring and the dress and the party.” What? Grow up. Ladies, you’re killing it. Go frolic, be free. “But it’s my special day.” All right. Why do you have to ruin mine? I don’t know. But that’s why you ladies are brilliant. You gals are geniuses, ladies, because you guys tend to be the ones who want to get married, yet, somehow, you’ve designed it to where the man asks you. That’s some Jedi-level mind trickery right there. Yes. Well-played. Right? Genius, ladies. Genius. You’re like Yoda. “I want to get married, but you’ll ask me.” Yes. You got it. “And you’ll get down on one knee.” No problem. “And you’ll buy me an expensive ring.” Will do. “And whose idea was this?” All Mine. Well-played, ladies. Well-played. I don’t know. Am I nuts? Marriage just feels like the least-romantic thing on the planet. It’s legal. Ugh! Got to go to a courthouse, get a license. What’s the license for? That’s the only license we don’t check, by the way. Driver’s license, liquor license. People check a fishing license. I’m gonna start checking marriage license. Next time I see a short, broke, weird guy — he’s like, “That’s my hot wife over there” — I’m gonna be like, “Let me see some I.D.” Thanks a lot. I’m Kevin Hart. Thank you. ♪♪ [Cheers and applause] -Hey! Mark Normand."
1686242076-197,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,RICKY GERVAIS: LIVE IV – SCIENCE (2010) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ricky-gervais-live-iv-science-transcript/,"(THUNDERCLAP) SPOOKY VOICE: Long ago, in a castle laboratory, (ELECTRICITY BUZZING) sort of like Frankenstein’s, you know, science turned abomination, a mad doctor’s dream to create a human being from the body parts of other human beings. A bit pointless, really. He wanted to create the world’s finest comedian. Popular, clever, funny. So a male comedian, obviously. Got a penis and everything. A little bit smaller than he would have wanted. But, you know, it’s fine. It’s average. He’s a little bit fat, but fat is funny. Average penis. Little bit chunky, but… So, please welcome to the stage… (BABA O’RILEY PLAYING) …creator of The Office, Extras, Flanimals, record-breaking stand-up, winner of three Golden Globes, two Primetime Emmys, and seven BAFTAs, a man with an average-sized penis – it’s fine, honestly – the one, the only, Mr Ricky Gervais. (CROWD CHEERING) (BABA O’RILEY CONTINUING) Thank you. Hello. Hello. Wow! Thank you so much. Wow. Thank you. Wow. Thank you so much. I should explain something straight away. Usually, when I come out on stage, it’s amazing. I’m doing cartwheels, I’m doing back flips. It’s fucking spectacular. But I’ve hurt my back. That’s true. That is true. I’ve pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf. I know what you’re thinking. Serves me right for playing such a stupid game as golf, but… No, I’ve been in agony. I’m on painkillers right now. So if I suddenly start talking like Kerry Katona, you’ll know why. ”I’m not drunk. I’m not drunk.” Mother of the Year, one year. When the doctor gave me the painkillers – this is true – he said, ”Now, you can’t drink alcohol with these,” and I went, ”I don’t want them, then,” and he went, ”What?” I said, ”Give me some you can drink alcohol with.” And he went, ”Well, you’re not meant to drink with any painkillers.” ”Who are you? My fucking mother? Just give me them.” So, yeah, I’ve been walking round like the Elephant Man. But without the big cock, obviously. I assume he had a big elephant’s cock to go with the head. Then it would balance things out. ‘Cause then he’d look in the mirror and he’d go, (SAD VOICE) ”Oh, no.” What… Fucking Zippy. What the fuck was that? No, shut up. Then he’d sort of go, ”Oh, no, oh, look at that head.” ”Hold on, though, what’s going on down here?” ”Swings and roundabouts!” ”Let’s celebrate! The buns are on me.” Um… So, yeah, that’s my problems. I didn’t cancel, though. Don’t you hate that, when an artist cancels? You turn up, you go, ”Concert cancelled due to sore throat.” Or, ”I couldn’t go on. I was depressed.” Aw! Can you imagine a labourer trying that? Going, ”Oh, I got a little tickle. I’m fed up.” ”Aw. Move the fucking bricks, mate.” One artist has had a good excuse to cancel a concert in recent years, and that’s Michael Jackson. Everyone else is a fucking malingerer. Never cancel. I had a gig in Dublin couple of months back. O2 Arena, Dublin. 10,000 seats. Sold out way in advance. Getting towards the gig. Looking forward to it. A few days before, all the planes start being grounded ’cause of this volcanic ash cloud. A volcano goes off in Iceland and we can’t get on a plane. What’s the point of fucking Iceland? Really. I thought it went bankrupt. Just get rid of it. It’s no good. It’s not doing… Just fill in the fucking volcanoes with concrete. In fact, tarmac the whole country, and make it a car park for real Europe. Waste of space! So, yeah, um, and… Sort of like pop stars not coming to England. We’re cancelling. They couldn’t get on… And I was thinking, ”I can’t cancel. I can’t cancel, I’ve got to get there.” So I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin. Cost me $12,000. Just ’cause I couldn’t bear to let anyone down. Or take the ferry. Yeah, they were still running fine. Sure. I think there were extra ones they put on, but… That would have meant mixing with the general public. This is about as close as I ever want to be to… to – no offence – scum. No. I don’t know if anyone was affected by the volcanic ash cloud, but I had friends all round the world that couldn’t get back. They missed weddings, and funerals, and they had to put themselves up in hotels they hadn’t budgeted for for weeks on end, and they couldn’t get their money back ’cause the airlines were saying, ”No, we can’t pay you, ’cause the insurance companies won’t pay us, ”’cause they’re saying it’s an act of God.” What? What isn’t an act of God? If you believe in God, that’s sort of a definition of him, isn’t it? That he does everything. He’s… He’s all-powerful and he’s everywhere. He invented everything. He was… Before he was around, there was nothing. He invented time, space, everything, okay? So he’s across it all. Nothing happens by mistake. He’s not absent-minded. A volcano going off is not him going, ”Oh, fuck, I left the oven on!” That… And who are these insurance companies that know what is and isn’t an act of God? How do they decide? Have they got a hotline to God? They call God up, do they? And go… Ring, ring. ”Hello?” ”Y’ello.” ”Um, could I speak to God, please?” ”Speaking.” ”Oh! I didn’t think you’d answer the phone yourself.” ”What do you want?” ”Um, sorry, that volcanic ash cloud, was that you?” ”Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was an act of me, all right.” (GIGGLING) ”So I shouldn’t pay out?” ”Don’t fucking pay ’em a penny, son, no.” ”Oh, cheers. ”While I’ve got you here, did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter’s car?” ”A lot of Steve Baxters.” ”Um, 2 Acacia Road, Hounslow. ”It happened on the third of June, 2:15.” ”Third of June, 2:15. No, that wasn’t me. ”I was in Africa then, giving AIDS to babies.” (CROWD MOANING) He does everything. Anyway, I’m so glad I didn’t cancel. It’s fantastic to be here, seeing all you happy, smiley faces. Probably… (PEOPLE HOOTING) Yes, thank you. You’re… You’re probably feeling very fortunate that you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend. Or am I… I’m not being funny, but you lucky cunts! Yes, you are! I’m joking, of course. The pleasure is all mine. Thank you so much for coming out, spending your hard-earned cash. I know there’s been a recession on. Someone told me. Is it still going? It really didn’t affect me. (LAUGHING) Just being honest. Just being honest. Um… We can laugh about it now, come on. I don’t understand the recession. It wasn’t till last year I found out that you could go into your bank and say, ”Can I withdraw my cash?” and they could go, ”No, we ain’t got it.” ”Sorry?” ”We… No.” ”I’ve got $50,000 saved.” ”Ha! You ain’t.” ”Well, where is it?” ”Dunno.” ”Well, have you checked the vault?” ”It’s empty.” ”What was the point of that? ”You might as well have kept it in a drawer, you spotty little twat.” I hope you enjoy the show. This is nearly the end of the UK leg of the tour, then I’m off to America, to finish that off, and then I’m doing the rest of the world. It’s going to be the first world comedy tour. And then I’m going to enter Britain’s Got Talent. ‘Cause, whoa, that’s when the career really… (MIMICKING AIRPLANE TAKING OFF) Look at Susan Boyle. If you can. Fucking hell! Jesus Christ. Oh! Shocking. Be fair, though. ‘Cause usually, in the music industry, it’s all about image, isn’t it? You can’t just have a great voice and a great talent, you’ve got to be young and thin, and trendy and pretty, and she’s turned all that on its head. Although I think it’s the same powers of image, just working in reverse with her, ’cause I don’t think she has got a great voice, actually. I think she’s fooled a lot of people. It’s sort of like mock opera for people who don’t know any better. But I don’t think she’d be where she was today if it wasn’t for the fact that she looked like such a fucking mong. ”He said ‘mong’.” Yeah, he did. Yeah. ”You can’t say ‘mong’.” You can. It’s fucking easy. It’s one of the easiest words to say. It’s like, ”mong”. And it’s, like, you just need lips. (STAMMERING) Even mongs can say it. That’s part of the beauty of the word. They don’t consider it a perk, I’m sure. But… ”Why does he get away with it and no one else can? ”Ban him from the telly.” Good luck. (CLEARING THROAT) And even if they do ban me from the telly, I’ll just go around and shout ”mong” through their window. I care about it that much. It’s just words, and there is no better word to describe Susan Boyle. When… When she first came on the telly, right? When she first came on the telly, I went, ”Is that a mong?” You all did! You all did! And you’re meant to. Like the judges hadn’t planned that. Didn’t they! They knew it in rehearsal. They knew that was going to happen. They knew the headline was going to be, ”Oh! Voice of an angel, face of a mong.” And they… They were right. And we all fell for it, you know? And it… I don’t mean she has Down’s syndrome, by the way. No. No, that would be offensive. That word doesn’t mean that any more. It’s far removed from that. We don’t use that word to describe that condition. ”What about the derivation?” Never mind the derivation. Words change. When I came out here tonight, I called you all ”cunts”, remember? That used to be an insult, but now it’s a term of endearment. So… Words change. Okay. Let’s get on with it. No one wants to be here all night. Now, listen. (LAUGHING) You can have too much of a good thing. Like heroin. What? Um… Although, too much heroin is death, basically. ”What’s up with him?” ”Too much.” ”Was it good?” ”Yeah, it was lovely, but just too much.” That’s the thing, kids. Try anything once, sure. Try… But know this about heroin. You go, ”Oh, go on, I’ll have one. ”I’ll have one heroin. Go on. That’s right. Oh, I’ll just have the one. ”Oh, that’s just what I thought. ”Oh, it’s fucking lovely, that. Give us… I can’t just have one. ”They’re like HobNobs.” Or serial killing. That is… That’s surprisingly moreish. You think, ”I’ll just do one heinous crime. ”I love all that. I love all that. I’ll just go out…” You go out, tooled up, and you chop someone up… And don’t just kill ’em. If you’re a serial killer, kill ’em, fuck ’em, eat ’em, right? In that order. At least have a thing. Do you know what I mean? I don’t want to see you on telly in 10 years’ time going, ”Oh, why did you do it?” ”Oh, Ricky Gervais told me to try heroin and be a serial killer.” ”Oh, what did you do?” ”I just killed him.” ”What, you didn’t fuck him and eat him?” ”No.” ”Get out of my fucking courtroom.” So… And you go, ”Well, I’ve done that.” Get rid of all the body parts. Well, not all of them. Keep a bit for later. What? Oh, no, Jesus Christ. Oh, maybe you shouldn’t mix alcohol with painkillers. Right? It just seemed like a waste, right? And… You get home and you go, ”Right, I’ve done that. ”I never have to do that again.” Before you know it you’re back down B&Q with a brand-new claw hammer going, ”Oh, fuck me. ”Here we go again.” So just be warned. Okay, let’s get on with it. The show is quite long, but not as long as when I saw Ken Dodd at the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, and I left after two and a half hours, during the interval, okay? He did five hours. I mean, he was 75 then. Five hours of stand-up comedy. I can’t even fucking stand up for five hours these days. And he bounced out. I mean, I went along somewhat ironically, but he is a legend. We got there, and I went along with a girlfriend, and I was… We were the youngest by about 30 years, I think. Everyone else was, like, in their 70s, and they must follow Doddy around, and they knew they were in it for the long haul. They’d come in cagoules and pack lunches, right? And I don’t know if you’ve been to the open-air theatre in Regent’s Park, but it’s like this, but without a roof, obviously. It’s got a stage show, and lights and it’s got fixed seating, okay? It’s sort of like amphitheatre seating all the way round the outside, and there’s nothing in the middle. They just left that wild. You can’t sit there. It’s just like a… I want to say grassy knoll, but I’m not sure I know what a ”knoll” is. I’ve only ever heard that when people are talking about the Kennedy assassination. I assume it’s a hillock, but I didn’t want to say ”hillock” when a president’s had his brain shot out ’cause it’s vaguely comical, isn’t it? You go, ”The president’s been shot!” ”Oh, from where?” ”A hillock.” ”A what?” So they say ”knoll”. And they go, ”Oh!” So you go, ”Oh, no, who shot him, and what the fuck’s a knoll?” It adds to the mystery. Anyway. So… I look down, and I realise that one person – I use the term loosely – had sort of sat there, okay, and the security had let her and people were ignoring her. I thought, ”Oh…” Anyway, she was a bit… And, oh, my God, she was… I’m trying to be politically correct tonight. I’m trying to avoid the phrase ”fat mental bird”, but… That’s what she was. Why do people use euphemisms like that? They go like that. Like they’re trying to… But you’ve said it. We know what you were… You’ve said ”mental”. In fact, you’ve said it so more people can understand. The deaf and foreigners can understand what you’re saying now. And they don’t want to say ”fat” any more. They use euphemisms for fat. They don’t want to say ”fat” ’cause they think it’s a derogatory term. It’s not. It’s descriptive, okay? They say things like, ”Oh, you know Brenda?” ”No.” ”Oh, you know Brenda. F… Big girl.” ”What, seven-foot?” ”No, not tall, but… Big.” ”What does she look like?” ”Oh! ”You know, she’s clammy, even in winter.” Just say ”fat”. ”You know Brenda. She’s out of breath just standing up at her desk.” I’ve been accused in the past of having a go at fat people. I’ve never had a go at fat people. I’ve only ever pointed out the scientific fact that you get fat, you put on weight, you put on a sub-cuticle layer of fat if you take in more calories than you burn off. That’s indisputable, okay? I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life, but they got fat ’cause they took on more calories than they burned off, okay? And they knew that is what was happening. No one ever got fat behind their own back. No one ever went, ”Huh? What the fuck’s that?” No one’s creeping in to thin people’s apartments and injecting their lettuce with a million calories, okay? So, they’re doing it. They’re doing it with their own free will, and they know that’s what’s making them fat, okay? You see a fat person surrounded by puddings, right? You go up to him, you go, ”Frank, you know what’s making you fat?” He doesn’t go, ”Is it all the running?” He knows it’s… So all I’m saying is you get fat if you eat too much and you know that’s what’s happening. But I don’t judge them in any other aspect of their life. I don’t make value judgements on any other corridors of their existence. If I see a fat person, I don’t go, ”Oh, he’s fat, therefore he’s probably jolly.” A lot of them are miserable. If I see a fat girl, I don’t go, ”Oh, she’d be pretty if she lost weight.” That’s rarely the case. So don’t… A lot of them started eating ’cause they had fuck-all to lose, if I’m being… I don’t want any fat people to feel uncomfortable at one of my gigs, so next time, buy two seats. Right? Um… I’m joking. I’m joking. I haven’t got a problem with fat people. I haven’t… In fact, I feel sorry for them. No, even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them. Particularly women, because I think fat is a feminist issue. Men get fat and we go, ”Fuck it, all bought and paid for,” right? We don’t come under the same scrutiny of society as women, ’cause they’re inundated with how they should look. There’s size-zero models and magazines with, ”Look like this.” And this diet, that diet, keep your man, and I think they make such an effort. You see fat girls, they make an effort. They’ve always got lovely hair. Aren’t they? They’re always having their hair done. Eh? They always… They’ve always got lovely hair and lovely long nails. They make an effort. Anything but jogging. All right? They love high heels, don’t they? Fat girls, they love high heels. They think it makes their legs look less… It doesn’t. They’re… It… You can just hear them coming now. Not on the lino! Up and down the lawn, it’s good for it. Go on! Out you go. But I’m not having a go. Um… I was listening to Radio 4 the other day and there was a discussion about political correctness. My name came up straight away, as always, okay? And this woman was going, ”Well, yeah, it’s not right, you know, it’s not clever. ”He makes fun of fat people. He makes jokes about fat people, and it’s not right. ”I mean, he wouldn’t make jokes about gay people, would he? ”And being fat is like being gay.” What? No… No, it’s not. You can’t choose your sexuality. We’ve established you choose to be fat by eating, okay? But with your sexuality, you’re born, you grow up, you discover you like same-sex relationships, you move to Brighton, and… And that’s it. You’re gay. With being fat, you have to work… For being fat to be the same as being gay, you’d have to be born straight, grow up knowing you’re straight, but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cock. Do you know what… It doesn’t happen. ”Happy 16th birthday, son.” ”This is Raul. Right? ”Suck his cock.” ”Uh, I’m heterosexual, Father.” ”Oh, these new-fangled words. ”Suck his cock. Come on.” ”I… I… I don’t like cock.” ”Doesn’t like cock! ”How do you know if you never tried it?” ”Well…” ”Ah! ”Suck his cock, come on.” (IN FALSETTO) ”Oh, suck Raul’s cock for your father. He’s paid for it. Go on, suck…” ”I don’t like…” ”Just try it, just suck a little bit of cock. ”Just try…” ”Ugh.” ”He’s bloody playing with his cock. Put it in your mouth. Put it in your mouth.” (GAGGING) ”Oh, don’t ‘ugh.’ Come on. Suck it, you bastard. Suck it.” -”Oh.” -”It’s not so bad, is it?” ”Ugh… Oh… ”I fucking love these.” When that happens, being fat will be like being gay. Until then, it ain’t. I was on a plane, going from New York to LA this year. And they’ve got proper fat people in America. Oh, really. They put ours to shame, really. You see one and you think, ”Oh, yes, a fat person. I’ve seen that. ”We’ve got them in England. Yeah, big fat face. Big… ”What the fuck are they?” It’s like they’ve gone, ”I’ve got as fat as I possibly can, we need to get an extension. ”We need to…” What the fuck? Some of them have got shelves. Actually got shelves. Like… They keep biscuits on them. Like, fucking, ”Ooh…” ”Ooh.” And me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane, okay? Then there was the aisle, then this side were two really big, fat women, okay? And one was even fatter than the other one, right? In fact, she got on and she went, just blase, quite loudly, she went, ”Can I have a belt extension?” And they went, ”Yeah, sure. Yeah, course you can. You’ve earned it.” Right? So, proper fat. In fact, I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going, ”Should one of us swap with one of them? ”’Cause otherwise, we’re just going to Canada.” I mean… And she was there, okay, and she’d got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food. Bucket. I mean, there’s your first clue. When did that happen? When did fat people just go, ”Oh, fuck it. Give me… Treat me like a farm animal. Just… ”In fact, just strap it to my fucking head. ”Give me it in a bucket. Give it…” ”How would you like your meal?” ”In a bucket, please.” ”You sure you don’t just want a big plate?” ”I grew out of plates when I was five, you cunt. I want it in a bucket.” Fuck’s sake. And she’s there, and she’s chowing down on it, and she turns to her friend and says, ”This is the best fried chicken I’ve had all day.” Unbelievable. But I’m not having a go, I’m not having a go. Even though it is their own fault – and it is their own fault – I feel sorry for them, because… I found this out, actually, to be fair… I don’t know if you know this about fat people, they fucking love cake. They love it. You can’t leave a cake out with a fat person. You could’ve just baked a cake for later and your neighbour, fat neighbour, could come round, she could still be chewing the last of her lunch, and she’d come in and she’d see the cake and she’d just stop like that. And then she’d look at you like that. And you’ll go, ”Oh, that’s for Brian’s birthday. ”Do you want a little bit?” ”Yeah, go on, just a little bit. Yeah, just… ”Just a little taste.” ”There you go.” ”Oh, thank you. Oh, that is lovely. Ooh! ”That is beautiful.” ”Oh, fuck it.” But I blame the food industries, right? If you go in a supermarket, it’s full of that crap. Everything is hydrogenated fats. Everything’s got thousands of calories in, like, a portion. They’re injecting calories with calories and deep-frying them and sprinkling on fucking calories, okay? And I think that fat people find that irresistible. They’ve got no willpower, so I think we’ve got to help them, okay? And also, have you seen how big the doors are, to get into a supermarket? They’re… They’re quadruple. No one gets too big to get through the door of a supermarket, okay? So… And they open automatically. So no one’s using calories by pushing anything, okay? It’s a good job they do open automatically, ’cause they’re usually glass and the fat person’s seen the cake from down there and they’re just doing like that… And they’re grazing. They’re grazing, like that, right? Keep the door. Keep the big door. Come on, fat people. You can all get in. You can all get in. They’re coming… I can hear them, here they come. Right? And they’re in there, but when they get in there, it’s all fresh fruit and veg and wholegrains, so… Uh? And they’ll be, of course they’ll be flabbergasted at first. They won’t understand it. That’s not real food to them. They think Brussels sprouts is packaging. They’re looking… ”Where’s the cake? The cake, the cake.” ”Cakes are over there.” ”Ooh, the cakes are over here.” The cakes are over here, through a human-sized door. Oh! And they go, ”Oh, fucking hell.” ”I can’t get in, I can’t get the cake.” They take their heels off, they’re trying to hook some cake. (MOANING) ”Oh, God!” Like that. And they don’t know what to do, they’re starving, so they have to go and eat a banana. (GAGGING) (PANTING) ”Fuck me, carrots, nuts, anything. Just try…” And they’re back and forth and the fat’s falling of them, right? And soon they can slip through the door and have a cake, and then they can’t get out again. But… But I’m saying we’ve got to do something. We’ve got to intervene. Because we’ve got to help them. And people say, ”No, no, no, nothing to do with you. ”It’s their body, it’s their life.” Yeah, but we don’t say that about wearing a crash helmet or wearing a safety belt, do we? Or if you’ve got a smackhead in the family, you don’t go, ”Oh, it’s his body. He loves the old heroin.” Right? You… You go, ”Please don’t die, please stop this shit.” And you grab him and throw him in a cupboard for three weeks, or whatever. You can’t throw a fat person in a cupboard, you’d do your back in, like me, but I’m saying… Smackheads don’t weigh anything, you can fling them around. They’re… In fact, when they’re lying there, just get the needle and just flick and they just sort of go in like that. Fat people, you’ve got to lure them in. Just a little trail of M&M’s, they’ll follow that anywhere. See? I do care. (LAUGHING) Oh, God. Mmm. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Ken Dodd. Right. So… I’m at Ken Dodd. There’s this big, fat woman sitting there. And obviously, security… I assume she must follow Dodd around, ’cause everyone’s turning a blind eye, right? Even Dodd. Dodd’s ignoring her. She’s 20 yards from him, right? And she’s… Oh, my God… I’ve got to use one of his words. She’s blobular, okay? She’s about 45, 50…stone. No. She’s about 20 stone. And she’s sat there, cross-legged, eating a pack lunch, okay? She’s in this, like, big, white, greying sort of T-shirt. And… Oh, and wearing leggings. No! Don’t wear leggings if you’re that shape, okay? It looked like someone had painted the bottom of an egg black, right? And she’d made no effort. She had lank, greasy hair and she’d eaten her nails, I think. I’ll tell you what she looked like. This might not mean anything to you, but they’re the bane of my life, she looked like an autograph hunter.
 Now, these people are the epsilon minors of society. Even trainspotters look down on autograph hunters. They’ve all got this haircut, right? Everything is tucked in, like that. They’ve always got, like, a satchel where they just rip things out of the Radio Times. ”Sign this, Ricky.” ”Yeah.” ”Sign this.” ”Sign this.” ”That’s a piece of toast, mate.” ”What?” Not one of them’s symmetrical. I mean, they’re a mess. I don’t mean their clothes, I mean their fucking DNA. It’s just… Back to handsome. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING LOUDLY)
 I was doing a radio interview a while back, on Capital Radio in Leicester Square. And it was live, which is always a mistake ’cause these little freaks hear you at home. And nowadays, because of the phone scandals, if something’s pre-recorded, they have to tell you about it. So if it really is live, they bang on about it. And they were going, ”He’s actually here now ”in the heart of London, it’s Ricky Gervais, it’s 10:45.” And they hear you and they go, ”He’s there”, and they come along and wait for you. They know where you are. Like that, right? And I was coming down the stairs after the interview, and the security guard said, ”Oh, there’s a few autograph…” I thought, ”Oh.” I went out there and there they were, about 16 of them, like that. I don’t know the collective noun. A gaggle of mongs, right? Yeah. Right? And the first thing that hits you is the BO. It is staggering, okay? And so I’m… I’m nice to them. They’re strong. And… Fuck it. And I’m signing and I’m getting away, and as I’m going away, right, I feel something hit me there, and I look down and it wasn’t one of them, it was this old lady that had sort of wandered over the square. She was about 60, 65. Really sort of grimy, right? And sort of had a bandana with sort of tassels on it and sort of these, a robe thing and sort of bangles, and she was selling some sort of twig in tinfoil. Again, I don’t know the politically correct term. Is it ”smelly traveller”? I think it is, I think it is. Right? And she went, ”Lucky heather?” I went, ”No, thanks.” I wanted to go back and go, ”What? What?” ”Lucky heather? Is it? ”Is it? How lucky is it? ”’Cause you’re covered in the shit and you’re begging in Leicester Square, so…” Fucking maggot, get off me. I, uh… Ken Dodd. Sorry, right, so… Ken Dodd, me, hundreds of old people. Okay, Ken Dodd: ”Hum, humunctious!” Right? Fat, mad woman sat there, cross-legged. ”Ah.” Every time Dodd goes, ”Hum!”, she goes, ”Ahhh”, like that, right? I mean, everyone’s ignoring her. She must go to every concert, obviously a bit of a stalker. Dodd not put off at all, just doing his thing. ”Ah, hum!” ”Ahhh!” Jane’s going, ”Don’t look.” I’m going, ”You’re having a laugh, ain’t ya? I can’t take my eyes off her.” Right? I’m looking at this, every time he goes, ”Hum!” I’m looking at him, I’m looking at her, I’m looking at him, like that. Back and forth. It’s like tennis in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. It was like… And… So she’s there, right – and this is a true story – after about 20 minutes, her hand goes down the leggings. Yeah. (AUDIENCE MOANING) Yeah. And… Oh! Right? So everyone just… I can feel them all, I’m going, ”Oh, my God. ”Suddenly this is interesting again.” ”Hum!” Right? So I’m just, like… And… See… No, but she’s not doing it discreetly. Her little fucking legs are straight out now. I mean… Twenty yards in front of Dodd, trying to tell little jokes about tax evasion: ”It was under the carpet!” ”Hum!” ”Ahhh.” Right? And she’s… No, but she’s making a noise! It’s not my fucking… She’s making a noise, she’s sort of going… (MOANING) Because she was Flipper, right? And… ”What? Timmy’s fallen down a well?” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) ”I think she wants us to follow her!” (DOLPHIN SQUEALING) So, she’s going all… Right? She’s going away. She finishes. She goes, ”Ahhh! Ahhh!” Has another sandwich. (AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh! True story. I don’t know why I told you, but it is a true story. It’s out of my head and into yours now. Oh. Mmm. Ah. This show’s called Science, by the way. (LAUGHING) Wikipedia says that science is, ”The concerted human effort to understand the physical or natural world. ”Science seeks the truth and it doesn’t discriminate.” So something’s either true or it isn’t. It hasn’t got a will, a hope, okay? You know, a moral conscience. ”For better or worse, it finds things out, ”whether that is inventing the atomic bomb, capable of mass human destruction, ”or discovering ways to end famine.” I heard an interesting phrase coined about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. Someone said that dropping the atomic bomb on Hiroshima is an example of science going wrong. Whereas I think it worked a treat, didn’t it? Actually, that’s what they wanted to happen, wasn’t it? They said, ”How can we melt 100,000 Japanese people really quickly?” Someone said, ”Try the atomic bomb.” They went…”Did it work?” ”Yup.” So the science went right, just a fucking bit. Yeah. The science going wrong would’ve been them coming round going, ”Did it explode?” ”No.” ”Oh, fuck. No?” ”No.” ”Oh! Did it kill anyone?” ”One. Just… Just hit him straight on the head. ”He was out shopping. ”For a camera, probably.” Shut up. Fuck off. No, but that isn’t science’s fault. Do you know what I mean? Science discovered that that process could release all that energy. The military did that. Governments, us. We’re in charge. Science is to enhance our existence. The big one there is obviously famine, okay? And you can’t have a good life if you haven’t got a life at all. And I’m all for ending famine, obviously. As long as it doesn’t affect me in the slightest. Um… Which brings me to this little fad that we need to stamp out. This happened to me Christmas before last. Exchanging gifts with friends, old friends, good friends. Quite well-off friends, if I’m being honest. I gave them a coffee-making machine from Selfridges, top of the range. They loved it, they loved it. And they gave me mine, it was just a card. I thought, ”Oh, vouchers.” I opened it up, it wasn’t vouchers. It was just a card, with a picture of a goat on it. Um… And some stuff about… I said, ”What’s this?” They went, ”Oh, our gift to you is we gave a goat to an African family.” ”What?” I’m looking at the coffee machine, thinking, ”Is it too late to say that’s a mistake, take that back?” But they had it under their arm. Right? So… I went… ”Oh, we bought you a goat and we gave it to an African family.” ”Oh, did you? Oh.” So I’ve got fuck all, basically. That is basically what you’re saying, isn’t it? I mean, why the… I don’t even know this African family! Why would I give them a goat? Why would I give them my goat? A goat I didn’t know I had until a minute ago. ”Give me my fucking goat. Where’s my goat?” I mean, the arrogance, to say, ”I’ve got you a goat, but I gave it away.” Next year I’m gonna go, ”Oh, I got you a hedgehog. ”But I threw it to some Gypsies on the way. Is that all right?” This serves no purpose. This is good for no one. They’re 50 quid down, I’ve got nothing. Okay? The African family’s going, ”Not another mouth to feed.” Right? The goat is going, ”Where the fuck am I? ”What the… ”A week ago I was gambling around the Cotswolds. ”There was grass and tourists with nuts and shit. ”This is a fucking dustbowl. This is shit.” There’s no way the goat wanted to go to Africa. There’s no way. It was basically kidnapped. It was abducted. It was put in a sack and bundled on a boat to Africa, like Roots in reverse. There is no way. When they said, ”Do you want to go to Africa?”, it went, ”Definitely, no way. No.” ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, lions!” (NERVOUS GIGGLING) ”Come on, why don’t you want to go to Africa?” ”Um, AIDS!” (GIGGLING) ”Well, that shouldn’t affect you.” ”It shouldn’t.” So just be careful with charity, okay? Particularly at Christmas. That’s when they sting you, when they give you a guilt trip. You’re sitting down, Christmas Day, you’ve got all your food, loads of food, too much food. Probably going to throw a lot of it away. And all the adverts on telly are for charity, right? Um, this one runs every Christmas Day. ”Is there an old lady near you, cold and lonely this Christmas?” ”Yeah, I fucking hate her. ”Nosy bitch winds me up all year round. ”I can’t wait for the cold weather, if I’m being honest.” There’s no old lady near me. She died last year of hypothermia. So, result. The other big campaign, the other big campaign, ”A dog is for life, not just for Christmas.” Right behind that. I love animals, I’m really into animal welfare. And that’s obviously aimed at parents whose kids go, ”Can I have a puppy? Can I have a puppy?” ”No.” ”Can I have a puppy?” And they give in to shut them up. And they get the puppy, and they like it when it’s cute, but then they grow up and they get bored with it, they lumber the parents with it, and the parents get bored with it and they abandon it. 1 1,000 pets abandoned in England and Wales last year. And I think kids should have pets. I think it teaches them life lessons. I haven’t got children of my own, but I’ve got loads of nieces and nephews and they’ve got kids of their own now. And I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want, but I want to be a responsible one, too, and sort of not add to the stray problem. But I think I’ve solved the dilemma. This is what I do, okay? Here’s a tip. You’ve got to wait till Christmas Eve, go to an animal shelter or an animal-rescue home, not a breeder. And I go there, and I go straight to the veterinary bit. And when they’re dealing with, like, the little runts that are born all sick, and they’re just putting them down, they’ve got no quality of life, I go, ”No, don’t kill that one. I’ll take that one.” And they go, ”It’s only going to live a day.” So I run home with it, going, ”Don’t die yet.” Get a Starbucks, little bit of Starbucks. ”Don’t die yet. Don’t die.” And I run in. And I call my niece, she runs over, I go, ”Look.” ”Oh, you got me a puppy!” ”I’m your best uncle, I got you a puppy.” ”Oh! Thanks.” ”Go and play with it, quick. Go and play with it.” And they take it to bed, Christmas Eve, and they sleep with it and they wake up Christmas Day, it’s cold, dead, stiff, gone, so… Not a problem. Um… And they always come down, saying, (CRYING) ”Oh! My puppy’s dead.” And I go, ”What? The puppy your uncle got you? ”He did his bit and whatever happened after that isn’t his problem.” And they go, ”Yeah.” And I go, ”Oh, no. ”Maybe you rolled over on it in the night.” ”Oh, did I?” (SOBBING) Oh, God! And they always go, ”I killed my puppy, I killed my puppy.” I go, ”No, no, you didn’t kill your puppy. ”Jesus killed your puppy. ”On his birthday. ”’Cause you didn’t spend enough on your uncle’s Christmas present.” So… They usually buck their ideas up the next year. The other big campaign, of course, ”Don’t drink and drive.” Right behind that as well. A lot more stigma attached now. When I was growing up, there was no stigma. It was like, if you got away with it, that was all right. I’d be getting in the car with grown-ups, with family, and I’d go, ”Oh, you can’t drive, you’re drunk.” And they’d go, ”It’s all right, I won’t get caught.” But people now know that that’s not the point. It wrecks lives. I’ve done it once. I’m not proud of it in the slightest. I’m fucking ashamed of it. I wasn’t drunk, but I was over the limit. That was Christmas, and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn’t. I knew at the time, ”I shouldn’t be in this car.” But I learnt my lesson, because I nearly killed an old woman. In the end, I didn’t kill her. In the end, I just raped her. But as I say, nothing came of it. ‘Cause luckily, 1,000-to-1 shot, I know, she had Alzheimer’s. Whoo! Whoo! Yeah, not a credible witness. I’ll tell you what. Spiders, they’re always ready, aren’t they? Spiders, always ready for action. A spider is always ready, like that. Completely ready, all the time. I mean, some animals are sometimes ready. You scare a cat, it’ll go, ”Ooh!” Like that, okay? But then it goes back to chill. Most of the time they’re just on their side, aren’t they, cats? Cats are just, chill out, got their head down, all four limbs stretched out in one direction. You will never see a spider like that. You will never see a spider just lying on the floor with its head down, like that, and all eight legs just out like that. ”Oh, what the fuck…” They’re always ready, like that. And they’re always ready in every direction, like the fucking Matrix, like that. They don’t have to go, ”What was that?” They don’t have to… They’ve got fucking 10 eyes and eight legs. Over the top. They’re even ready when you don’t think they’re ready. You can see an empty web and you go, ”That spider’s not ready.” ”No? Touch the web.” ”What?” ”Touch the web.” And it’s there, like that. I fucking hate them. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. Thirty-seven thousand different species of spider. I mean, millions and billions of individual in each species, okay? And that’s just one class, arachnid, of one phylum, Arthropoda, of which there are many. There could be five million species of animal on the Earth. Best guess, right, minimum, scientists say. There’s so many, we can’t… But five million. And that’s 1%% of all animal species that have ever existed. Ninety-nine percent of all animal species that ever existed are extinct. And that remaining 1%% is five million strong. Take one of those species, termites. If you were to weigh every termite alive now, it would be 10 times the tonnage of every human being on Earth. And it’s statistics like that that make me think that this book isn’t totally accurate. Um… (CLEARING THROAT) It’s the book of Noah. Um, the children’s edition. Um… I got this as a prize at Sunday school. I used to go every week. I believed in all this till I was about eight. Um… This was when I was four. St Agnes Sunday school. ”Presented to Rikki Gervais.” R-I-K-K-I. Like a fucking mongoose. ”For regular attendance.” Not even for doing anything good. Just for turning up. ”Oh, he’s always here. Give him something, he’ll be back.” ”Thank you.” Let’s have a look at the evidence. ”Long, long ago, when God first made the Earth…” I’ll let both those points slip. We haven’t got time. Okay. ”Long, long ago,” I should just say, is 5,000 years, according to the Bible. According to the Old Testament, the Earth is no older than 5,000 years, okay? Which puts us around the time of the agricultural revolution. Uh… It’s actually 4.6 billion years old. Let’s pop that in. ”4.6 billion years ago, when God first made the Earth ”and sky…” All right, don’t big it up. I mean, it… It comes as a package, really, doesn’t it? You couldn’t… The sky was never an optional extra. It could be… ”I built you a planet.” ”I can’t breathe.” ”Would you like an atmosphere?” ”Course I fucking would.” So… ”Everything was peaceful, everything beautiful. ”God made human beings, too. ”And he wanted them to be good, like himself.” Arrogant. ”But very soon, they wanted their own way. ”They would not listen to God. They became wicked and did wicked things.” Look at them doing wicked things there. Look at that. You can’t get more wicked than that, really. ”Oh, fuck off, wicked!” Really. ”Fuck off, wicked.” God looking on. ”Yeah, carry on. See what happens. See what happens.” Bloke there running off with a big bag of money. Don’t put it in a bank, you cunt. ”God looked at them and said to himself, ”’They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.”’ Really? That’s your only choice, is it? That’s… You have to? Right… Straight to genocide. No one verbal and two written warnings? No? Just straight to the annihilation of the entire human race? ‘Cause a fatty yellow-trousers picked someone’s nose? That’s your solution, is it? I mean, anger management. Chill the fuck out. I read this book to KarI Pilkington, right? Who… Yeah, he is an absolute… Yes. He is… (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Head like a fucking orange, I know. Um… But I got to this bit and I said, ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth.” And Karl goes, ”He sounds gay.” I went, ”What do you mean?” He went, ”Some gays are a bit like that.” He thought God was having a hissy fit. Like God’s going, ”Look what they’ve done. ”No, they’re treating me like a cunt, I’m gonna treat them like a cunt.” I said, ”Karl, God is not gay, all right? Read the Bible, he hates them.” ”They are so wicked, I will have to wipe them off the face of the Earth, ”and every living thing with them.” What’s the squid ever done? In Leviticus, I think it is, they list all the animals that you’re… All the punishments for sleeping with them. Like, if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do this, and if you lay with a stoat, you’ll do that and get killed… And one of them is, ”If you sleep with a squid, ”you get smitten in the knees.” So if people are coming back from the beach like that, you know exactly what they’ve done. Anyway, God is not gay. Let’s establish that. ”But there was one man who was still very good. ”His name was Noah. He was a friend of God.” Just a friend, so don’t… No. Just a friend. A friend with big hooped earrings. Rouge. What the fuck? Where did he get that from? He lives in a cave. What the… ”What are you doing?” ”Seeing God. ”You never know. Never know.” Handlebar moustache. Holding God’s hand, who’s wearing a blouse. The old hand, going down the leggings. What? But God isn’t gay. (GIGGLING) ”God said to Noah, ‘I am so angry with men…”’ ”You mean men and women.” ”Whatever.” ”…that I have made my mind up to destroy them all. ”I have stretched my bow in the sky. It is a rainbow.” That’s got to be the world’s first pun, hasn’t it? ”It will make so much rain pour down on Earth, ”that everything will be drowned. But not you. ”I want you to build an ark. It must be like a big boat, ”with three decks and a roof over it.” ”Yeah, I know what an ark is, mate. Jesus.” ”And you will make a door in the side of it.” ”Do you think I’m a complete fucking mong?” ”Noah did exactly what God told him. ”And then God said to Noah…” Now, okay, this book, admittedly aimed at children, but taken from the story in the Old Testament of Noah, I don’t think the author of this book was a zoologist. Um, as we’ve said, there could be five million species. I don’t think he knows all of them, the way he backs out very quickly in this next sentence. ”I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you into the ark. ”Two lions, two tigers, two elephants, so on.” ”Look after them well and keep them alive. ”And Noah did what God said.” Now, I want you to study that scenario. So, God is angry with mankind, okay? He’s wiping them out and starting again with just Noah and his wife. He’s angry at the animals, as well, for some reason. I don’t know why. But he’s going to start again, two of each, right? He calls a flood, builds an ark. Okay, Noah says, ”Right, two of every kind, you two, you two.” There’s a fucking stampede. Brrr! Every animal species… Brrr! Two elephants! Brrr! Two toucans, just walking. Don’t know what… I think this one’s in charge. This one wants to fly, I think. He’s going, ”We’d get there quicker if we… if we flew.” ”No.” ”No?” ”No.” I could do this all night. ”No?” ”No.” ”Sure?” ”Yeah.” ”I mean, we’ve got wings.” ”We got feet, too.” ”Why don’t you want to push in?” ”’Cause that elephant’s looking at me funny.” ”Yeah, I am. ”You push in and I will stamp on you, you big-nosed twat.” ”Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you calling big-nose?” (LAUGHING) ”What?” ”Well, pot, kettle.” ”What does that mean, pot, kettle?” ”Pot calling kettle black.” ”What the fuck are you…” ”Oh, forget it.” ”I can’t forget it, I’m a fucking elephant.” Two camels, two lions, two ostriches, two leopards, two tigers, two zebra… Ah, here’s the crux of my point. Just one species on the ark at the moment. Uh, giraffes, okay. Another five million to get on there. Two of each, 10 million. Ten million animals to get on that ark. They’ll go on… I mean, that’s just a few of them, right? That’s, like, 10 or 1 2. They go on as far as… Ten million more to get on there. Just two on there at the moment. Uh… Look how much room they’re already taking up. It’s at a third capacity. What’s it going to be like on there when these two fat cunts get on? ”Then God bent the bow of his anger ”and the rain came flooding down, covering the Earth with water. ”It rained for 40 days and nights. ”The flood water rose higher and higher, ”until it covered the tops of the highest mountains.” (GASPING) ”Every living thing was drowned, except Noah and the animals in the ark.” And the fish. They were fine, weren’t they? In fact, all the sea creatures… I mean, they’re loving it. They were better off, if anything. Mountains underwater – their domains have increased, like, tenfold. You’ve got crabs going, ”I’m on a fucking mountain! This is amazing! ”I’ve never been up here before. It’s great!” I think that when you see on the news, when a little village in Gloucester gets flooded or somewhere, and it’s really sad, people have lost their homes and they’re sort of traipsing around, they’re in dinghies, carrying their pets, and it’s tragic, right? But you see, like, a little row of antique shops, just completely underwater, and I always think of a fish just looking in the window of that antique shop for the first time, right? ”So that’s a chaise longue.” ”For 150 days, the Earth was covered with water. ”Then Noah opened the window of the ark and looked out. ”The water seemed to be going down, but how could he be sure?” Well, just ask God. You’ve been chatting to him all the way through. Why’s… Why’s he suddenly copped a deaf ‘un? I mean, we’re getting cryptic here. ”He sent a raven out, but it soon came flying back. ”It could find nowhere to settle. ”Noah waited another week and he sent out a dove.” Why did the raven lose his job? ”But the dove came back, too.” See? The raven wasn’t bullshitting. This… ”There was still no dry land anywhere. But one day the dove flew out…” Why did the dove get another go and not the raven? Racist! ”But one day the dove flew out and brought back a green olive branch, ”and Noah knew that God was no longer angry. ”Then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark. ”They must once more fill the Earth with living things. ”The first thing Noah did was to build an altar. ”He offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them. ”And God said, ‘I will make a pact of friendship with you.’ ”’I will never again send a flood to destroy the Earth. ”’The rainbow, which I put in the sky, will no longer be a sign of my anger, ”’but a sign of peace. It will be a sign of my friendship with men.”’ That is… That is… That is how it’s… That is how it’s used today. Um… They took it a bit literally, I think. ”’It will be a sign of my friendship with men, which begins today, ”’and which my son, Jesus, will one day prove by shedding his blood for men.”’ ”Who?” ”You’ll see.” There wasn’t a teaser campaign in the Old Testament, was there? ”Coming soon, the sequel.” Ahhh! ”And so when you’ve done wrong and you’re feeling very sad about it, ”think of the rainbow and the peace which God wants to put into your heart. ”He has promised to be your friend. Promise to be his.” And that’s just one of 12 in the Dove book series. I’ve only got one. Number nine, Noah. But I think my favourite would be number eight, just from the title, Jesus and the Cripple. We don’t use that word any more, Jesus. (LAUGHING) I’m writing number 13, Moses and the Mong. I read that whole book to Karl. And he believed every word. Why wouldn’t he? It’s written down. Um, and I said, ”But, Karl, how could they get 10 million animals on a boat?” He went, ”So it was a big boat.” I said, ”Yeah, no, that’s true. They did.” I said, ”But they’re all part of the food chain. ”They would have literally had to have eaten each other to survive. ”Why didn’t the lion eat the antelope? Why didn’t the spider eat the fly?” And Karl said, ”’Cause in a crisis, you all pull together.” Amazing. He’s amazing. I’d love to do a book of his quotes. Um, I love books of quotations. I sort of… I read them for pleasure. I’ve got a few of these compilations, and one of my heroes is Winston Churchill. And when I read, ”Give us the tools and we will finish the job”, I thought, ”How inspiring.” And when I read, ”Never in the field of human conflict ”was so much owed by so many to so few”, I thought, ”How patriotic.” And when I read, ”It is a good thing for an uneducated man ”to read books of quotations”, I thought, ”You cheeky fat git.” People say that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that’s ever lived. Let’s test that. Here’s one of his. ”All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. ”No man does. That is his.” That sounds a bit gay to me. Just, I don’t know… We’ll give it another go. Here’s another one. ”I couldn’t help it. I can resist everything, except temptation.” That sounds gay as well. I want to start that with an ”ooh”. I want to go, ”Ooh, I couldn’t help it.” You know? And I want to end it with, ”I can resist everything, except temptation. ”Chance would be a fine thing.” Do you know what I mean? And when he went through customs, all those years ago in New York, and the customs officer, just doing his job, said, ”Have you anything to declare?”, Oscar Wilde famously said, ”Nothing but my genius.” (MOANING) It’s not witty. He planned that. I bet the first time he went through customs in a foreign country, he was all, ”Yes, sir. No, sir.” ”Anything to declare?” ”No.” ”On you go.” ”Thank… ”Oh, I just thought of something fucking brilliant to say. Oh, my God. ”Excuse me, can I go… No? No? Oh, God!” He had to wait weeks in those days, back on a boat to England, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius. ”I’ll be in a book of quotations with that.” So he gets there again, finds the same bloke, goes on, bloke goes, ”On you go.” ”Aw, he didn’t even fucking ask me that time. ”Excuse me, they didn’t ask me if I had anything to declare.” ”Random.” ”Fucking random!” Back on the boat, three weeks later, planning it. ”Anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” Gets there again, right? Gets in the same bloke’s queue. This time he looks all shifty, so he gets called out. And the bloke goes… ”Did you buy anything?” ”That’s not the question. Just… ”Say, ‘Do you have anything to declare?”’ ”Have you anything to declare?” ”Nothing but my genius.” ”Whose are the butt plugs?” ”They’re… They’re mine.” Incarcerated in Reading Gaol for homosexuality. Come a long way, from it being punishable and illegal to total equality, as it should be.     Gay age of consent, same as heterosexuality, and, uh, even gay marriage, um… Although, in the one place that was ahead of the game, ironically, they sort of fell behind. Uh, California. Um, they overturned it at the last election. They had a referendum, and they said no to gay marriage. Uh, you’ve got people in San Francisco going, ”That’s why we moved here.” It’s a strange sort of bigotry, that you could affect someone’s lifestyle that doesn’t affect you back. It’s not like they asked someone once and said, ”Do you mind if these two men get married?”, and they went, ”Uh, yeah, okay.” ”Okay, wank them off, then.” ”What? I didn’t know that was going to happen.” That… It’s also a strange sort of bigotry because, presumably those people that object to that are the same people that said gay people were promiscuous and immoral. But now they don’t want them to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God. And it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California, going, ”That’s the bit they don’t want? ”With all the other shit we do, that’s the bit that…” They must be going to judges, going, ”Sorry, can I get the rules straight?” ”What do you want to know?” ”Can I marry a man?” ”No.” ”Can I shag one up the arse and give him a little reach-round?” ”Yes.” ”Right, I can’t marry…” ”No.” ”Can I pick up a stranger in the bushes, take him home, jizz on him, ”and throw him out in the morning, all crusty and homeless?” ”Please do.” ”Couldn’t marry him?” ”No.” ”Right, can I get 15 men in a…” I’m just riffing. ”Fifteen men in a semi-circle, naked, bent over, ”spreading their arse cheeks, and attach a dildo to every part of my body ”and go at them for half an hour?” ”If you want, yeah.” I don’t know why I chose 15 in a semi-circle. I think subconsciously I was thinking of that TV show Fifteen to One. That would’ve been different, wouldn’t it? Also, I’d line them up, also, I wouldn’t face them away, I’d face them to me so you could get a… That’s one thing. Ah, no. If you were to wank off 15 men at a time, kids, it’s like plate-spinning, it is like plate-spinning, because… No, it is. ‘Cause you get these two ready to go, but they’re losing it, so you have to… So you have to go, ”Oh, oh, oh… Oh, for fuck’s sake.” ”Oh, ain’t it knackering, wanking off 15 men at once?” Never thought I’d say that. Again. What? Oh… I hope I haven’t offended anyone with any of the subject matter in this show. I really do. It’s not the point, but if I have offended anyone, and I’m sure I have, then I don’t apologise for it, because there’s a spate of comedians going, ”Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean it.” You shouldn’t have said it, then. You’re an idiot. Right? It’s… They bow to this pressure of going… These witch-hunts going, ”Are there things you shouldn’t make jokes about?” No. There’s nothing you can’t make a joke about. It depends what the joke is. Comedy comes from a good or a bad place. It’s contextual. It’s like this big debate about swearing. People say, ”Is swearing okay on television?” It depends. Use your common sense and your remote control. Don’t write a letter. It’s like, be warned, right? If it’s a documentary about prisoners on death row, there’s probably going to be a bit of language, okay? They’ve got nothing to lose, right? Whereas I’d complain, if it was the news, and Trevor McDonald came out and went, ”Oh, fuck me, nasty train crash.” Right? I’d go, ”No, Trev, do it straight. That’s the news, mate. That’s…” Right? But if was watching Antiques Roadshow and Michael Aspel was there with a sweet old 90-year-old man, and he went, ”Well, Albert, this ring your dead wife left you ”is worth fuck all, and she’s made you look a right cunt on telly.” Actually, I’d love that. That would be amazing. (LAUGHING) Best episode ever. Um… No, but what I’m saying is there’s this big thing about, ”Oh, um, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes. Oh, sick jokes.” Thing is, you tell a sick joke with the express understanding that neither party is really like that. I wouldn’t tell a ”sick joke” to a known paedophile. I wouldn’t go, ”Here, mate, you are going to love this more than anyone, son.” All right? Do you see my point? Right? And I’ve never been in trouble for anything I’ve said, ’cause I don’t care what people think and I refuse to apologise for it. I mean, growing up, I always used to sort of like, you know, test the boundaries a little bit and try and get people to laugh at things they thought they shouldn’t. Um… I remember when I was… Actually, I wasn’t a kid. I was about 25. (LAUGHING) Um, me and my girlfriend had met this other couple, they’d moved down from the north, okay? And they used to come in the place where I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with them, and then one day they invited us to a party. And we went along. And, one, it was a dinner party. They hadn’t warned us about that. But, two, it was with their parents, both sets of parents, their grandparents, and some great-aunts and uncles that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on. So, average age of about 85, right? And I think we were an afterthought. They thought, ”Oh, we’ve got no one there our own age. ”Oh, what… Ricky and Jane, invite them.” So we came along. And we’re still sort of getting to know them. And, as I say, I always used to, you know, muck around and make up jokes and see if I could, you know… We’re… Us Brits, we use humour all the time. Two Brits meet, it’s the first one to get a gag out, okay? Whether it’s irony, satire, silliness or… We use it as a sword and a shield and a medicine, but mostly as a getting-to-know-you. Are you like-minded? Okay? So, uh, I told this joke. I started off lightly, in case they didn’t like that sort of thing. I said, ”Why did the little girl fall off the swing? ”’Cause she had no arms.” Yeah, right? Okay, sweet. And they laughed. A little bit louder than that. There was only two of them, so thanks, right? So I thought, okay, they get it. They like that sort of thing. And, you know, you up the ante a little bit. And I told this joke. Oh, okay. Let me have a little drink. Start the car? Right. I told this joke. I made sure the old people couldn’t hear. Right, right. Father, sitting at home, reading the paper. His little girl comes running in, she’s only six. ”Hello, dear.” ”Hello, Daddy.” ”What you been doing, then?” ”Playing in the park.” ”Oh, with your friends?” ”Yeah, until the man came along.” ”Till the man came along?” ”Yeah, a man came along and he asked my friends to leave, ”so it was just me and him.” ”Darling, come over here. Come on, darling. ”Whatever happened, none of it was your fault, okay? ”But tell Daddy every detail. What happened, darling? What happened?” ”Um, he took me behind a wall, so no one could see what we were doing.” ”Oh, God, darling. Then what happened?” ”Um, he took my dress off.” ”Oh, God, darling. What happened then? What happened then?” ”Um, he took his thing out.” ”Oh, God, what happened then, darling?” ”Nothing, that was it.” ”Oh, well, make something up!” Don’t tell anyone that. I want it to be a surprise. So I told that joke, and I carried on, we’re getting a bit drunk and I’m telling more jokes. Eventually, we sat down about 9:45, they’d put two sort kitchen tables together, and the hosts sat at either end and they sat me in the middle, opposite this very sweet, but very deaf sort of 80-year-old man, so the conversation was a bit stilted. And after about 20 minutes, Ian, one of the hosts, pipes up and says, ”Oh, tell that joke.” ”What?” And all the old people go, ”Oh, we love jokes.” ”Do you?” I looked at Ian, he went, ”It’ll be fine.” I went, ”Okay.” And he’s sort of got on with his conversation. I went, ”Oh, um…” They’re all like that. Little, sweet, old faces. I went… (GASPING) ”Uh… Oh, what the fuck… ”Father, sitting at home reading the paper. His little girl comes round.” Told the whole joke, got to the bit, ”Well, make something up,” and they went, ahem, silence. I looked at Ian, he went, ”Not that one!” Thanks very much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) Thank you. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you very much. Um… Oh, thank you. Uh, I should… I should just say, um, not a lot of science. Um, but then, if you’ve come here to revise for your thesis, you’re fucked, to be honest. I should have called it ”An Investigation Into the Rational and Non-Rational.” ‘Cause we impose sort of scientific method on a few… We busted a few myths, remember? Fat birds losing weight and looking attra… Remember that one? We did that. And we looked at a few things you may or may not believe in – religion, or racism, homophobia, two things I’ve never been a part of, because they’re born of ignorance and fear. And it’s fear that I think threatens rational thought more than anything. I’ve always considered myself a sort of liberal, rational sort of bloke, and then, after 9/11, the world went a bit crazy. Understandably – the rules suddenly changed and there was a lot of anger and fear, and finger-pointing and hysteria, and I still tried to remain rational in it all. I’d be in the pub with friends and I’d be going, ”No, you can’t say that. That’s a generalisation. ”Oh, you just read that. No, you don’t… ”That’s not true, that’s a received wisdom, that’s not a… ”No, you can’t tar everyone with the same brush. ”No, it’s still the safest form of transport. It’s 16 million-to-1 .” Trying to remain rational. That’s in a pub. When I’m flying, it’s more like, ”Check him again, can we? ”What the fuck? ”What, he’s getting on? He’s getting on my… ”Can I check him? Can I fucking check him?” But that’s… That’s fear. I’ve always been a nervous flyer, actually. And I flew before, soon before and straight after 9/11 . Always in and out of, like, New York and LA. And I try to remain, again, rational. I was thinking, ”No, it’s even safer now. ”It’s even safer now. It’s harder to…” And then I found out that a suicide bomber doesn’t have to get on the plane now. They don’t even have to commit suicide. Now they can… They’ve got heat-seeking missiles. They can take the plane out in the first 10 minutes of takeoff. So now I’d be on the plane like that. ”Right, we’re out of range. Now who’s got the bomb?” All right? I flew a couple of weeks after 9/11. And it was an internal flight from New York to LA. And we get off, I go, ”Right, we’re out of range. Okay.” And I was still a bit nervous, and I said to the air hostess, I said, ”Have you got any magazines?” And she went, quite loud and blase, she went, ”No, honey, we’ve got no magazines. ”We’ve had to undertake severe cutbacks ”because we’re one of the companies being sued over 9/11.” One, don’t mention 9/11. Surely a new rulebook went round. ”Don’t mention 9/11 when you hand out the chocolates.” Just, you know… Two, don’t say ”severe cutbacks”. ‘Cause I don’t think of magazines any more. When you say ”severe cutbacks”, I think of a bloke in an aircraft hangar earlier that week, going, ”Do we really need all these rivets?” So… What terrible bedside manner that is. I mean, I take first-class flights everywhere. You wouldn’t have it any other way. I… I sort of do it for you, really. And… Some of those flights cost 10 grand. And for 10 grand, in a disaster, I expect my bit of the plane, at the front, to gently break off and float down to a desert island. It doesn’t. I’d die with the rest of you fucking losers. That’s not fair, is it? I know you’d try to save me, but you couldn’t. Just be… I’ll probably be the only one mentioned on the news. Um… You’d be ”450 others”. So that’s… That’s something, I suppose, isn’t it? No. So, I’m flying all the time, right? And then it happened, okay? I was flying back from New York, 9l25, BA, first-class, to London, JFK. The whole week in America, leading up to that flight, on every channel on TV, there was a rolling tickertape that said, ”America on red alert.” Okay? And every bulletin said, ”We have an intel that there’s going to be another 9/11, ”this weekend, in New York or LA. ”Do not fly, unless you absolutely have to.” I had to. I was filming. ”And if you fly, be extra vigilant.” Okay, so I’m there, I’m the only one in the first-class lounge, right? And I’m still trying to remain philosophical about it. I’m thinking, ”Right, today’s the day ”you definitely don’t try and get a bomb on the plane.” Do you know what I mean? You think, ”No, everyone’s…” Wait till Monday, right? And I’m there, and about 15 minutes before boarding, into the first-class lounge comes this guy, I don’t know whether he was North African or Middle Eastern, but he had all the gear. And… Beard, everything. Steel attache case, okay? Here’s your middle-class, rational liberal. I go… I’m suddenly just engaging staff in inane conversation. I’m going, ”Flight on time?” They’re going, ”Yeah.” I’m going, ”What’s the weather like in England?” And they’re going, ”Oh, it’s…” Like they’re going to go, ”It’s a bit cloudy. ”There he is!” Right? It didn’t… Didn’t happen, right? So now I’m stewing on this, all the things for the week leading up to it, ”There’s gonna be a 9/11, it’s gonna be here, it’s gonna be today, it’s gonna be New York.” Oh, my God, right? But now I’m in two minds. There’s a fight between good and evil, between rational and irrational, okay? So this one goes, ”Oh, that’s a suicide bomber.” ”Oh, don’t be stupid. What do you know?” ”That’s what they look like.” ”Why do you say that?” ”There’s a picture of him on every page of the Daily Mail. ”There’s… It’s him.” ”Don’t be stupid. It’s a cliche. Don’t be stupid.” Then he makes a phone call. I can’t understand what he’s saying, but he sounds a bit angry, right? This one goes, ”Oh, he made a phone call.” This one goes, ”You just made a phone call.” ”Yeah, but not in foreign.” ”Just shut up. Shut up. Stupid.” ”Oh, I still don’t…” ”Why do you think that?” ”Look at the beard.” ”He’s been checked. He’s been checked, the same as us.” ”Do they check the beard?” ”Yeah, they check the beard. They check the beard, okay?” And then I’m sort of… This is going on in my head, and I’m sort of looking at him, absent-mindedly, sort of staring at him. And he catches me looking, and he goes like this… This one goes, ”Oh, he knows!” This one goes, ”No, he knows why you’re looking at him. ”He’s had that sort of prejudice, that shit, for fucking months. ”Stop looking at him. Shut the fuck up.” Right? But this one starts winning. The fear starts beating the rational, okay? It’s going, ”Well, they said it’d be today.” ”Yeah, I know, but what… But the statistics.” ”Well, they’re up today, aren’t they? They’re up. ”Yeah, but what…” ”Don’t give it ‘It won’t happen to us.’ They said that on 9/11 .” ”Yeah, but what about all the checks?” ”Well, they find new ways of getting past our detectors ”and then we have to up our game, and that’s… ”Yeah, you’re right.” So suddenly now we’ve won there, and I think, ”Oh, my God, this is it.” And you know that wave of nausea, when you suddenly go, ”Oh, my God. ”This is it. I’m one of the people that witnessed… There’s a…” And I think, ”Okay, yeah, let’s report him.” This one goes, ”No, we can’t.” ”Why?” ”In case someone thinks we’re racist.” ”What? What the… No! Let’s report him and be a wrong, live racist. ”Let’s… Let’s… ”Let…” And so I’m there, and I think, ”He is a suicide bomber, ”I’m going to get on the plane with him and I’m going to die.” And I have a little breakdown, and I’m nearly crying. And all this happens in a few moments, and I look over, and he’s joined by his wife, who’s got all the gear, and his… And his two little girls, right? And I go, ”Oh! ”Of course he’s not a fucking suicide bomber. ”If you’re off to see 72 virgins, you don’t take the wife and kids along.” So… And I got on the plane, and I was sort of relieved and embarrassed, and I saw the funny side of it, and… And of course he wasn’t a terrorist, he was a businessman and a family man, he was playing with his little girls, they kept running up and down, bumping into my chair, he wasn’t doing anything, um, and he was sort of like scaring them and they were screaming at the top of their voice, like… After half an hour, I was hoping someone would blow the fucking plane up, right? But a really weird thing happened during that period. I got so worried about terrorist attack, that I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere, just ’cause I was so rich. No, I’m… No, no, ’cause my… Again, my rationale was, ”I’m the only person on this plane, ”and I definitely haven’t got a bomb, so… So we’re fine, okay?” And I was taking a helicopter once, from Manhattan to the Hamptons for a screening. And I’m waiting for the helicopter… Rewind, two days before that, I’m in my apartment in New York, okay? Just eating my Cheerios, there’s a carton of milk there. And in America they put missing persons on the milk cartons. I’ve seen a thousand of them. But this one, it was for a child, which is always, you know, sadder. It’s sad when anyone goes missing, but… Because of her age, presumably it was an abduction as well, and… And there was also a plea from the mother, and it was the language she used, it was… It was sad. She just said where the girl went missing and the name of the girl, which I won’t say, but I remember it, um, and she just said, ”Five years old, blonde hair, blue eyes, ”always happy. Please help me.”
 Two days later, I’m in the Lower East Side, waiting for this helicopter, a little helipad, it’s just a little sort of like station there, and it’s like a wharf development, and I’m sort of looking down onto a building, a derelict building. And I look down, and someone had put a brown blanket up, as a curtain, on one of the windows, sort of gaffer-taped it up, and it had fallen away. And I’m sort of looking, and I look in, and it’s an empty room – this is true – except a mattress, and a little girl sat on the mattress with her hands tied. And my fucking heart… I thought, ”Five years old, five years old, blonde hair, blonde hair, ”blue eyes, blue eyes, always happy… ”Crying her eyes out.” It couldn’t have been her. I left it. Thank you so much. You’ve been fantastic. Good night. Cheers. Thank you. Thank you."
1686242190-226,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,"RON WHITE: IF YOU QUIT LISTENING, I’LL SHUT UP (2018) – FULL TRANSCRIPT",https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ron-white-if-you-quit-listening-ill-shutup-transcript/,"[Ron White] You ever take a crap so big your pants fit better? What’s he doing? Looks like he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth. But let me tell you something, folks. You can’t fix stupid. Now, when I have seven eighths of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be… out of marijuana. Tiger doesn’t get any credit for all that pussy he turned down, and that’s the number you’re looking for right there. 6:01, gets there. Is she there? No. Do I leave? No. Why? Because this dick won’t suck itself. That’s why. [cheering and applause] [country rock music] [inaudible] I want to start off this evening by telling you something about me you may not know. Um, I’m from a very, very small dusty town in northwest Texas, and I grew up in this little bitty house that was built by my father and my grandfather the year I was born, 1956. Now I live in Beverly Hills in a house my wife and I just built, and I was doing an interview the other day, and this guy asked me, “Has it changed you? You know, the fame and fortune and all that?” And I said, “I don’t think so,” but I kept thinking about it, and I realized it’s changed me in two ways. One, while we were building this house, my wife selected these really exotic Japanese toilets. And as you approach these toilets, the lid of the toilet automatically opens. I was mad when I first saw it. I’m like, “You’re wasting our money on this stuff?” But I got used to it after a while. And now when I approach a toilet, and the lid doesn’t automatically open, I just piss all over the top of it. And I still eat tacos, but now I only eat the baby duck pussy lip tacos that you get at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills on Sunday. What they do is they take these baby ducks, and they just snip the pussy lips off of ’em, and it takes, like, 35 baby ducks to make one taco, but it is fucking worth it, man. And it turns out, they’ve been snipping the pussy lips off of baby ducks in Saudi Arabia for 1,500 years and just throwing them in a river, and the cook from the Four Seasons went there and saw this amazing waste of baby duck pussy lips, and just started thinking, you know, “Fuck… Tacos!” PETA hates it. And I don’t know why, ’cause they used to sell duck tacos, nobody gave a shit. You gotta kill the duck to get the duck meat. You don’t have to kill the baby duck to get the pussy lips off of it. Sure, they bleed to death in the trash can when you throw them away, but they’re baby ducks. It’s a nickel for a hundred of ’em. Nobody gives a shit. So if you’re ever in Beverly Hills on Sunday night, go to the Four Seasons. It’s baby duck pussy lip taco night, and… get there early, because, uh, parking. I’m 61 years old now, and I know two things to be true. One… anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you can’t un-fuck the housekeeper. So… That’s it. That’s all I know. Governor Schwarzenegger helped me with that second one, so I didn’t have to do that one myself, so that’s good. Don’t drink and drive. That’s what they say. They also say friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Well, which one is it? Somebody’s gotta drive. I was leaving a party the other night, and this buddy of mine goes, “Hey, Ron, can you drive?” I was like, “I can drive… I can’t get pulled over.” Now, I won’t drive drunk, but I will ride with somebody that can’t blow a .08 and not fucking know it. ‘Cause .08’s not drunk. .08 is a revenue stream for the federal fucking government, is what .08 is. That ain’t drunk at all. That ain’t even kind of drunk. This is drunk. That guy can’t drive my fucking car. Now I’m not saying I’ve never driven drunk, because I’ve drank so much in my life, now on the back of my driver’s license, there’s a list of organs I need. I was in Melbourne, Florida, one time and I was driving a rental car, and I was by myself, and I’d had two drinks. I didn’t make the drinks. I don’t know how strong they were. Tasted strong. Whiskey and ice cubes. And I’m driving, and I look ahead, and there’s a sobriety checkpoint and I’m like… “Fuck…” Which is what you say when you see a sobriety checkpoint. Fuck. And I get up there and the cop goes, “Mr. White, I smell alcohol on your breath.” I said, “That’s been there since ’77, dude.” You pour that much Scotch on a tongue, it’s gonna smell like Scotch forever. There’s nothing you can do about it. We’ve tried everything that there is. He goes, “Well, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer,” and I said, “Well, here’s the bad news, Hoss. I’m not gonna do it. I’m not, and I’ll tell you why, because if that piece of shit’s calibrated wrong, I could be convicted of something I didn’t even do.” He goes, “Then I need you to do a field sobriety test.” I’m like, “Just tell me what to do.” He goes, “I want you to stand on one foot, raise the other foot–” “No, bullshit. Fuck that. I’m not doing that either. I’m not, and I’ll tell you why. That’s not a sobriety test. That’s an agility test, and I’m not very goddamn agile, all right? I’m not, and it’s not fair to me, because I’m older, I’m not in that great of shape. I may or may not be a little drunk. Fuck, I don’t know. You know what a fair drunk driving test is? Drunk driving. Get in the car. Let’s do a couple of blocks. Let me show you some skills. I’m not a 21-year-old, puking cheap tequila through my nose. I’m a 61-year-old raging alcoholic, motherfucker.” Or that’s what it said in the deposition. Here’s another fair test: darts. We go back to O’Leary’s Pub where this whole fucking thing started. If you can beat me at darts, you can take me to fucking jail, how about that? How about a sobriety contest? I got to go this year for the first time in my career to do stand-up in Europe, and I did shows in Amsterdam, Edinburgh, Scotland, and London. And when I was in Edinburgh, I realized that the Scots made me laugh harder than anybody. Not because they try to say something funny. It’s just the words they say, whatever the fuck they say just cracks me the fuck up. And I wear wild socks, and… So I’m having breakfast in this restaurant across the street from the hotel I’m staying in, by myself, and… I finish with my meal, I realize I don’t have any money. I only have the room key. I left everything in my room, and I tell the guy, “Listen, I got to go back to the hotel. I’ll get some money. I’ll come back over and pay you.” This is what he says: “Well, those don’t look like the socks of a man who would steal an egg.” Yeah, they sure the fuck don’t. And I did these shows in London, and they don’t play my stuff on television in London. So I really had to call and promote these shows and get everybody to come out, and I called this radio station in London. This is what this DJ says to me: “Ron… Every time a celebrity calls our station, we always ask the same question: If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said… “Living.” And he tried to explain it to me. He was like, “No, what I’m saying is, if you could talk to someone, whether they…” Yeah, I fucking get it. I’m a joke writer from America. I’m all over it, dude. Trying to make this funny, sell some comedy tickets in a land where you don’t play my shit. Thanks for playing our game. And the punchline of that story is, I come back to the States, when I get back to the States, my assistant goes, “Ron, did you hear that John Mayhew died?” And I’m like, “John Mayhew… Why do I know that name?” “It’s your ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.” [laughing quietly] Oh, I hated that motherfucker. That Yale snob fucking piece of shit, fucked me out of so goddamn much money. It happened ten years before, but I still had his office number in my phone, and my wife said I was a dick for doing this, but as soon as I found out he died, I called his office, I said, “I’d like to speak to John Mayhew, please.” The lady goes, “I’m very sorry to tell you, but Mr. Mayhew passed away.” I said, “Okay,” and I called her right back and said, “I’d like to speak to John Mayhew, please.” She goes, “I just told you, Mr. Mayhew passed away.” I said,  “I know, I just like hearing you say it.” My wife’s like, “You’re a dick.” I said, “Bullshit. He’s lucky I don’t know where he’s buried. I’ll show you dick.” I saw this on the news the other day. This befuddled me. It was a story about a town in the Middle East where, by law… by law, the women who live in this town have to wear burkas with one… eyehole. That’s it. That’s all you get. One eyehole. Not two eyeholes like those other sluts. One… [giggling] ..fucking eyehole. Just enough to keep from bumping into shit. That’s all you need. And the guys over there still think they’re hot. They’re like, “Ooh, look at that one.” Which one? They all look like fucking tents. And I think that’s why they marry so many of them. You got to unwrap a few to get the one you’re looking for… in a sight unseen situation. And if you’re all politically correct, don’t worry. I’m not busting on women from the Middle East. I know they’re perfectly content to live the way they do. They are. Oh, you can see it in their eyehole. Three weeks ago, my wife and I went to New York City, and we went to a gay wedding, and it was a man marrying a woman, [laughing] but it was the gayest fucking thing I’ve ever seen. You can get married now if you’re gay, anywhere in America, that’s fine with me. I don’t care one way or another. Get married, don’t get married. I don’t give a shit. [snorting] I don’t, really… I’ve got tons of gay friends, most of ’em male dancers from fucking Vegas, and they’re like, “We want to get married too.” I’m like, “You’re going to fucking hate it, but…” I think the Supreme Court fucked up the best thing about being gay. “Well, I would marry ya, but I can’t! I’d give you half my shit right now, but I don’t make up the rules.” I was doing a meet and greet the other day right after a show, this young guy goes, “When my girlfriend comes back from vacation with her parents, I’m going to ask her to marry me. Do you have any advice, Mr. White?” Now, I’d just got off the ugliest phone call I’ve ever had with my wife, and it was about that house, and part of that house was gonna be a rehearsal space for her band, and while I was shooting a pilot in Vancouver, it turned into a 24-track recording studio. And I was so goddamn mad. I couldn’t fucking breathe. We had spent $100,000 on this little fucking room, and that builder, that motherfucker. I told him, “Don’t you goddamn do it. Don’t you fucking do it.” And he fucking did it! While I was in Canada shooting a fucking pilot! The motherfucker! You ever notice nobody ever dies when you wish they would? This conversation got so goddamn out of hand. The shit that should have never got said got said, it just spun into this big shit storm of fuck. I’ll tell you how the conversation ended, and then you’ll know how it went. This is how the conversation ended. She goes, “Listen, Ron. I’m not trying to be an asshole,” and I go, “Really? You’re not even trying? Well, you’re gifted.” And I told this young guy, I said, “Yeah, if I were you, I’d go to a gay bar, let somebody fuck me in the ass and make goddamn sure I’m not gay, ’cause it looks like they’re having more fun than anybody to me.” It does too, ’cause we live right next to West Hollywood. You go anywhere in West Hollywood, there’s these gigantic gay men’s clubs with these huge patios. These places are packed to the fucking rafters at 2:30 in the afternoon, seven days a week. And these guys are laughing and dancing and drinking, and they’re having a fucking blast. And you know why they’re having so much fun? ‘Cause there ain’t no goddamn women there. That’s why. That’s why. That’s why. They’re doing whatever the fuck they want to do whenever the fuck they want to do it. “I got a good idea, Tommy. Let’s do a big shot of tequila, you snort some cocaine off my dick and fuck me right up the butt.” And they march off to the bathroom and do exactly that, exactly then, and the reason they can is there’s not a woman there to go, “Well, that’s morally wrong and bathrooms aren’t near clean enough to butt-fuck in.” Oh, they beg to differ. I thought about being gay one time, and I changed my mind when it came my turn. Like, “What? I got to what? What? What? What? What?” I’ll tell you this story. This happened last Wednesday at The Comedy Store in LA. And The Comedy Store in LA is a really pretty big place. It’s got three comedy clubs and I’d just done a 15-minute set in the OR, which is the original room, but they call it the OR. And right before I went on stage, I was in the green room of the main room, and they came over there and they said, “Ron, they need you in the OR.” I never thought anybody would fucking say that, you know? So I did my set, and I’m out in the hallway talking to Joe Rogan and this guy comes up to me, in his early 30s, I would guess, very flamboyant, very nervous. And he comes up to me and goes… [high-pitched] “Mr. White… I was always going to tell you if I ever met you that when my father was alive, you were his favorite comedian by far.” I said, “Thank you very much for telling me that, man. I appreciate that, and I’m sorry you lost your dad.” He goes, “I was in love with you and I’d see you on television, I’d pretend you were my husband and we’d go out to eat, and things like that.” I went, “Well, that’s nice of you to say, I appreciate it, very nice to meet you.” He goes, “I had a picture of you I used to masturbate to.” Which one? And it turns out I had no problem with it at all. And I’ll tell you why I didn’t have a problem with it, ’cause I thought the number of people beating off to my image was zero. Turns out it’s a solid one. I guarantee you, when I leave the house, my wife’s not dragging out a headshot, rubbing one off… “You look more like Steve Bannon every day. You’re just fucking… just… Some red lipstick on that nose, this would be hot as fuck.” I’m not gay. [laughing] Seems like I’d have something else to say after that. I’m not gay, but I have these moments. The other day I was watching Tarzan, the new Tarzan movie. The newest one that’s not very new, but it’s the newest one. And the guy that played Tarzan was a really, really handsome fella, and he was really a good-looking guy, but I was watching it, thinking, “You know, if that guy from Thor, Chris Hemsworth, was in this, this would really be a better movie, ’cause I’d just rather look at Chris Hemsworth without his shirt on.” What the fuck did you just think? I just think Chris Hemsworth’s the best-looking motherfucker. And then I was watching Godfather, I thought, “Well, if instead of that horse head, they just had Chris Hemsworth with no shirt on. Just his torso, blood coming out of it and just Chris Hemsworth kind of… I don’t want to pinch his nipples or anything. I just like to see it.” And I was watching that movie The Help, and I’m like, “I know he’s not a young negro woman, but… if he just had on an apron and no shirt…” I consider myself a gold star heterosexual. Now the reason I know this term is, I have lesbian friends too. And I know that a gold star lesbian is a woman who’s never had any dick not once ever in her life, and I’ve never had any dick not once ever in my life. And I know some guys that have had one homosexual experience or two or 10,000, doesn’t make a fuck bit of difference to me. I could not possibly care any less. I just never have. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 18 years old, and I was in the Navy stationed in San Diego, and I lost my virginity to a prostitute in Tijuana, Mexico, who was overweight, and her teeth had no general direction or color. But she was well within my budget. Well, I got stationed at Pearl Harbor. After I’d been there for a little while, I found out there was one part of Hotel Street on Oahu that you go to, and these really cute girls that jump in your car and blow you for five dollars. Best deal I’ve ever heard of in my life to this day. And that’s about a 45-second task with me at 18 years old. I’m like, “Oh! Ooh! Ahh! I’m out of here. I gotta go.” I’m coming back twice a day every fucking day. I’m there for eight months. A little while back I was watching this documentary on transvestites, and they start talking about the transvestite scene that’s been on Hotel Street on Oahu for 55 years. Those were dudes? I let 150 dudes suck my dick? Jesus. What’s the record? You’d think you can tell a man’s mouth from a woman’s mouth, but you cannot. A tongue is a tongue, and a tooth is a fucking tooth. If it would have been a handjob, I’d have been going, “Hey, you’re a plumber, dude, get that claw off my fucking pecker.” I ran, um… I ran for president of the United States, and I don’t think I won, because nobody’s called and I quit watching television. My platform was a little different than our president’s platform. He wants to build a wall between the US and Mexico to keep out immigrants, and I wanted to build a net between the US and Canada to keep those fucking geese out of here. I fucking hate geese. I fucking hate ’em. I got attacked by a goose when I was a kid. I never got over it. My uncle was a Baptist preacher, and I was at his little white clapboard Baptist church in a little bitty town in Texas and I was sitting– Vacation bible school. I’m on the back porch of the church, eating my little sandwich, six years old, drinking my Kool-Aid. This goose comes out of this pond like a fucking killing machine. [squawk] Bites me on the fucking leg. Steals my sandwich. Leaves me shudder-crying. [sobbing] I had nightmares about it my entire goddamn childhood. I fucking hate ’em. They’re not natural. Geese aren’t natural. They’re not. The way they cross the street right in front of fucking cars with that weird-ass confidence. “Yo, bitch, what the fuck you going to do about it?” Lock those beady eyes on you. “I got 17 friends behind me. Nobody’s moving till we get across this street.” They could have flown over the fucking street. I’m in my car, all intimidated. I’m like, “What do I even do? I can put my car in drive and roll over your ass. Nobody would give a shit.” I wouldn’t do it. Nobody in this fucking room would do it. You know why? ‘Cause we’re scared to fucking death of geese. Nobody wants to talk about it but me. And we should be afraid of geese too, and I’ll tell you why. A goose is the only animal on the planet could take a jetliner out of the fucking sky and make it land on the Hudson River. That’s what happened to that plane Sully landed on the Hudson River. Geese started flying through the engines of that jet. Radical terrorist Canadian geese! Build a net. No other animal crosses the road with this kind of fucking poise. That’s all I’m saying. No other fucking animal does this. When my dog gets out of the yard, gets in the street, he’s like, “Oh fuck! I’m in the road!” Does a Z-pattern to get across. Squirrels. Nature’s most shitty critical thinkers. “Well, I’ve been here, but I’ve never been here, and if I only–” Dead. Cats die when they touch the road. That’s all a cat has to do, is just, “Pow!” There’s so many dead cats on my street, it looks carpeted. You ever seen a dead goose anywhere in your goddamn life? Just laying there dead, ’cause it died somewhere? Fuck no, you have not. Because they rarely fucking die. I have a back-up plan to curtail the goose population in America. I’m going to open a chain of restaurants that only sells baby goose pussy lip tacos. You think you know tender… but you really don’t. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boo… boot leather. [distorted] Wagyu beef taste like boot leather. Baby goose pussy… [tripping over his tongue] …makes wagyu beef taste like boot leath… boot… All right, I’m gonna rewrite this sentence. I can… I got to get this right for the special. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef… [laughing] Okay. Okay. All right. [crowd shouting encouragement]     Baby… [audience member] Come on! All right, y’all shut up. Okay. I’m ready. Baby… [crowd laughing] Shut up, you’re supposed to shut up. Baby goose pussy lips makes wagyu beef taste like boot leather. [cheering and applause] That’s pretty slick. I started this tour a while back in Las Vegas, and… while I was there, I was walking down the Strip, my wife and I, and they’re having a sex toy convention, which is one of their five biggest conventions of the year. Literally, people come from all over the world to buy stuff for their shops, and my wife said, “My friend’s having a shower. I need to get her a gag gift. Let’s go to this thing. It’ll be fun.” I’m like, “All right, let’s go.” And it was unbelievable, huge, all the big dildo companies were there, uh…. Fuck Rudders, uh… Bone Depot, Shaft Crafters. Black and Pecker, Peterbilt, Johnson & Johnson… and Johnson. So we walk up to Knob Cobblers, or whatever the fuck the name of it was. I don’t remember. We walk up to this booth that only sells dildos. That’s all they sell. And I asked the guy, I said… “How much are the dildos?” And he goes, [angrily] “They’re not dildos, they’re personal massagers.” “All right. How much is the personal massager shaped like a big black cock? ‘Cause we’re looking for a gag gift, and… if that doesn’t gag her, I don’t know what we’re going to use, ’cause… it’s gotta be something big, you tell me. A broom handle, a pool cue, a fucking plunger.” Gag, woman, gag. There were porno movies everywhere, but the porno movie that caught my eye was called Fat Midgets Fucking Fat Midgets… Two. I would have missed the boat if I was in the porno business right there. I’d have said, “Ain’t nobody gonna pay to watch fat midgets fuck fat midgets.” Bullshit, there’s a sequel. Apparently there were some unanswered questions in Fat Midgets… Fucking Fat Midgets. I picked up the DVD, looked at the cover, it looked like somebody’s trying to shove a pumpkin through a beach ball. Now I’ve got questions. And then the whole experience just started to creep me the fuck out. I just grabbed my big black dick and left. I don’t need this shit. It seemed like they would give you a sack or something. My wife does yoga, and next to her yoga school in Beverly Hills, there’s a spa that offers treatments that I’ve never heard of. One of these treatments is a thing called anal bleaching. I’ll give you a second to get your arms around that. Now I’ve never walked in the doors of this place, and I don’t know exactly what they’re up to, but… apparently… some people… are really unhappy with the color of the old bunghole. So unhappy, they’re willing to bleach it until it becomes a more desirable color. Now I don’t know if they have a color in mind when they start, or if you just bleach it and get whatever the fuck you get. Or if there’s some paint chips and a tray of Smile Bright. You’re just spreading your ass cheeks, squatting into a tray of solution for a limited amount of time for a desired result. [inaudible] [shouting] What’s it look like now? I don’t know. I know this. I have no idea what color my asshole is. I don’t have that kind of mirror or that kind of friend. Nobody wants to be a white asshole, but everybody wants to have one all of a sudden. I don’t know what I’m supposed to tell my fucking relatives. Another service they offer at this spa… is a thing called vaginal rejuvenation. All right. Now, I think it’s a little strange that vaginal rejuvenation is fine, yet it’s illegal to roll back the odometer on your car. Vaginal rejuvenation. Rejuvenate your vagina. It was juvenated, it became un-juvenated, it needs to be rejuvenated. Bring it into the shop. Now, I don’t know what’s wrong with your vagina that makes you think it needs to be rejuvenated. I don’t know if it just looks tired or sad, or… worried about something it can’t do anything about. Well, whatever it is, I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. I wouldn’t and I’ll tell you why. Because the most jacked-up cooch I’ve ever seen in my life is way better looking than my ball sack. Besides, if you’re at that point in a make-out session, you’re gonna do it anyway. It doesn’t matter what it fucking looks like. It’s like you were waiting in line for two hours to ride a roller coaster and it finally shows up and the seats are kinda bumpy and worn out. You’re still going to hop in that motherfucker. Yeah! ‘Cause I don’t have the answer to a lot of life’s questions. Or any. But oddly enough, I do have a suggestion for this. Ladies, if you don’t like the way the cooch is looking, before you go do something that extreme, try this. Quit trimming it… for a year. And just do a comb-over. From the big lip to the little lip, right over the clit, tuck in the meat curtains if you got ’em. Get some Brylcreem and some dippity-do and a hair dryer. And just set it and forget it… and fucking shut it down. I understand how unnecessary that was. Somebody asked me to do this story. I’m going to do it, ’cause I’m surprised they know it, but… I support the Montreal Comedy Festival, and if you ever have a chance to go to Montreal in the summer to go to the festival, it’s the coolest fucking thing there is. I do it all the time. Montreal’s a gorgeous city, and the festivals are done in 20 venues all over the town, beautiful thing. And every year SiriusXM does a live broadcast from there. It was about three years ago, and there were six comics in an open forum, telling stories, and this is the story that I told. It’s very short. It happened a long time ago, which doesn’t fucking matter. It’s not like if I told you the story without saying that, you’d have gone, “That was very short and happened a long time ago. I wish you would have told us that up front.” I was the feature act at the Punchline Comedy Club in Sacramento, California. And traditionally in American comedy clubs, there’s three acts. There’s an opening act that makes between 100 and 200 a week for nine shows, the feature act, which is what I was, makes between 400 and 500 bucks a week for nine shows, and a headliner who can make absolutely anything depending on who they are. And traditionally during the week, these three comics would go to the mall and those two comics would watch that comic spend money. These two comics don’t have any money. These are two broke fucking fingers. So I’ve just driven from Dallas to Sacramento to make $400. That’s how much money I’ve got. So I don’t have “go out and party money”. I’ve got “go get a six-pack of beer and a frozen pizza”. Not the good frozen pizza, the other fucking frozen fucking pizza, and go back to the shitty little motel they rent us, and one night a week, I’d let myself rent a porno movie, and I’d call this date night. So I’m all set up. My beer is cold. My pizza is done. I ordered the movie. It says, “Please enjoy your feature film,” but nothing comes on the television. I’m like, “No! No, this has to fucking happen. I don’t have another eight goddamn dollars.” And I called the front desk in a panic. I said, “I ordered a movie, it said, ‘Please enjoy your feature film,’ but nothing came on the TV.” She goes, “I’ll send somebody over from Maintenance,” I’m like… Knock on the door, it’s a chick from Maintenance. “What’s the problem?” I said, “I ordered a movie, it said, ‘Please enjoy your feature film,’ but nothing came on the TV.” She goes, “What did you order?” Cast Away. She goes, “Look, it’s just on the wrong channel.” Click. What’s she doing to Wilson? She’s gonna overinflate him. And, uh… this is a story my mother told me I should do on stage. I just told her the other day. Anyway… I was a bed-wetter, and… I was mortified by it. I mean, I wet the bed all the fucking time and I just hated myself for it. That’s the worst thing you can be as a little kid is a fucking bed-wetter. And I would never go spend the night at anybody’s house, ’cause I knew I’d wet the bed and they’d find out I was a bed-wetter, and so far nobody really knew but my mom and my dad, and it was just my biggest secret. And I was about 12 years old and I had gone three months without wetting the bed. I’m like, “I’m through it. I’m fucking over it.” So I decided to spend the night at Joe Paine’s house, who had been my friend since I was six years old. And he had bunk beds in his room, and Joe Paine’s on the top bed, Danny Davis is on the lower bed, and I’m on a sleeping bag on the floor, and I wet the fucking bed, and I’m, like, mortified. I’m like, “They’re gonna know. They’re gonna know I’m a fucking bed-wetter. My fucking life is over. They’re going to fucking know. Nothing could make this better. Unless… one of them wet the bed.” And as a 12-year-old, I make a conscious decision to piss on my friend… to make me look better. That’s what kind of person I am right there, 12 years old. You imagine how I think fucking now what I’d do to you. I’d have peed on both of them, but one of them was too fucking high and I was like, I’d piss on the wall trying to piss on that guy. I was 12. I could piss like a fucking fire hydrant. And Danny wakes up and he goes, “I had a dream. Somebody was peeing on me! And I wet the bed!” And I’m like, “Me too!” And I never told him. I always let him think he wet the fucking bed. And the way he found out he didn’t wet the bed, is he lived in Round Rock, Texas, and I hadn’t really seen him in years, and I was doing this radio station and I told that story, and he called the radio station, “You fucking pissed on me? You let me think, I went my whole life, that I’d pissed in Joe Paine’s fucking bunk bed?” So my wife and I, we both tour extensively, and, uh… she bought us two dogs, which, you know, just makes touring easier if you… have a couple of dogs to drag with you on all those flights, and… she bought us two French Bulldogs. If you don’t know what they look like, it looks like a pug was raped by a fruit bat. She brings these dogs home, and I’m like, “What the fuck?” And she goes, “They’re watchdogs,” I’m like, “What are they gonna watch? Television?” But it turns out, they’re great watchdogs. And not because if somebody was breaking into our house, they would make a bunch of noise and scare those people away, because you couldn’t possibly wake them up. But when somebody breaks into our house now, they discover that all of our things have been chewed up and pissed on. And word of that spreads throughout the criminal community. And nobody wants our shit anymore. We don’t even want it. I’m the watchdog at our house. I’m the reluctant watchdog. I don’t sleep very well. I have sleep apnea, which keeps my wife awake. I think if it didn’t keep my wife awake, I wouldn’t know I had it. Here’s what I get at three o’clock in the morning when I have a six o’clock flight: [whispering] “Ron. Ron, wake up. Ron, wake up. Did you hear that?” Did you just wake me up to ask me if I heard something? [whispering] “Did you?” Do you think I fucking heard it? “Go see what it is.” Wake up those fucking dogs you bought. That’s the whole plan. I walk out there and get shot, her and them dogs leave out the back door, hop in the Mercedes, live the life of Riley, while I bleed to death on that fucking rug she had to have. And there’s never anybody there. I have no idea what I’d do if I walked out and somebody was there, I’d be like… [yawning] [click] Oh, hey. You were right! Call 9-1-1 or something. Don’t worry about them. They’re watchdogs. They just like to watch. If you tilt that a little bit, you can get it through that door. I know it smells like piss. It all smells like piss, dude. I’d help you move it out, but I’m bleeding. You should have the person help you move all the shit out and then shoot him. I’m also an idea man. And I am an idea man, too. This is my new idea. This is, uh… This is brilliant. It’s a dating website… and I actually saw another dating website that made me think of mine. The one I saw was called, “It’s Just Lunch,” and what they do is they just hook people up, and they have lunch, broad daylight, right in the middle of the day. [high-pitched] That’s all. Just lunch. We’re just gonna have lunch. That’s all. Just lunch. Maybe a salad and a sandwich. Maybe a half a sandwich and a soup. You know, they do that now. Probably a big glass of tea with a big slice of lemon. We’re just gonna have lunch. That’s all. Just lunch. Okay, here’s mine: Just lunch, and a blowjob. See how much funner it is to say? It’s almost like there’s a clown there. [silly voice] “Just lunch and a blowjob!” Lady in the first show goes, “What’s in it for the woman?” I’m like, “Lunch.” [high-pitched] It’s just lunch. My doctor the other day said, “Ron, you cannot gain any more weight,” and I said, “That’s what I thought.” My wife’s on my ass about me taking better care of myself. She bought me a bicycle, thinking I might ride it. It’s for sale. And if you’re looking for a bicycle, it’s a great deal. It’s got 750 yards on it. It was a demo when I bought it, had 350 yards already on it, but I put the other 400 yards on it myself. And if you’d like to buy the bicycle, just go to my house in Beverly Hills, and it’s 400 yards from there. Fuck it. I’ll walk back. I think, at 61 years old, my best fucking days are behind me, ’cause it wasn’t that long ago that I could make my wife scream and now she makes any noise at all, it’s to go, “Do you need to take a little break or…? You look like you just ate a ghost pepper.” What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m better at oral sex than I’ve ever been and I think it’s just because I’m older and I’m just more patient than I was when I was young, because… ’cause now I’ll lay there for hours and let you do your thing. I… I got nowhere to be. My friend told me the other day that he wouldn’t give his wife head unless she just came out of the shower, and I told him I’ll give my wife head if she just came out of the gym. ‘Cause I don’t care if she’s a little salty. In fact, if she’s too clean, I salt her. I do. I keep a salt shaker by the side of the bed. When she looks the other way, I just grab it. I think it brings out the flavor. I really do. I really do. In the summer, I keep a bowl of limes right next to the salt shaker, and I’ll just get a lime, squirt a little lime juice in there, little bit of salt, hunker down, do some pussy shots. That’s what I do. Do not try that at home. I got like 20 tweets from one guy, going, “My wife’s pussy was burning like…” No, you didn’t. You fucking idiot. No, you fucking didn’t. You went to one of my shows, you– She let you! You and her were standing in the kitchen and looked at that lime. You can’t fix stupid. [cheering and applause] [whistling] I’m on break. Sorry. Cheers, this is just special, right here. You guys are amazing. Thanks a lot. [whooping] Um… The other day, um… Jeff… Jeff Foxworthy and I were… Jeff has a special on Sirius called The Comic’s Mind, and he’d been talking to me about doing it. And we decided on a date that we would do it, and we decided to do it from the Punchline here in Atlanta in front of a live crowd, and it was really fun. And it really reminded Jeff and I of how much fun we have on stage together and how much we like to play off each other. And before the thing started, I had my tour bus up there, Jeff and I are sitting on my tour bus and this Golden Corral commercial comes on television, which is where Jeff works now. And I double snotted my own fucking television. It was so fucking funny. I’m like, “Really? Golden Corral? What kind of balls does it take to put the word ‘corral’ on the name of your fucking restaurant?” Boy, do they know that demographic! Come on down to the Golden Corral. [mooing] Welcome to our giant all-you-can-eat food trough. [mooing] We have a chocolate waterfall and a cotton candy machine. [bleating] I can’t wait till they go hog-wild and just put a sugar lick right there in the middle of the fucking room. That’s delicious. That little spot tastes like Skittles. “Get too fat at the Golden Corral, go to the Dress Barn.” That’s insensitive right there. “Get a dress the size of a fucking barn and come on back to the Golden Corral.” [mooing] They call it Golden Corral, of course, because somebody was already using the name “Ye Olde Fat Fuckery”. My cousin Ray, who I’ve talked about on stage before, he’s a real guy, he only eats at the Golden Corral because my cousin Ray only dates… huge women. That’s his deal. Always has been. He likes them big big. Not plump girls, not fat girls. Great big, old big ‘uns. Great big old, big old, big ‘uns. Big old round ‘uns, big old… muumuu and 400-plus, great big old big ‘uns. And he said that the Golden Corral’s the best place to find these people ’cause he says that’s where the really big girls like to winter. He didn’t say that. He brought one to Vegas last year, and I saw her by the swimming pool in a two-piece bathing suit, and I can’t jack the fucking memory out of my goddamn skull. Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band over a gigantic hall of fucking… Let me try that again. [audience whooping] Looked like somebody had stretched a… Looked like somebody had stretched a rubber band over a gigantic head of cauliflower. [cheering and applause] And I was like, “Goddamn, Ray!” He said, “Well, she’s had three kids.” I’m like, “What, for lunch? Fuck, dude. You got to quit eating them babies, ma’am. Put down that ketchup and drop that toddler. Eat this baby goose pussy lip taco.” Back in 1996, my dear friend Jeff Foxworthy became the biggest comedian that ever lived. I don’t know if you know. Jeff sold more comedy albums than Richard Pryor and Bill Cosby combined. Over 15 million albums, not including the millions and millions of Blue Collar albums you guys bought. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that. [cheering and applause] When Jeff got big enough to take somebody with him, he took me with him, which was an amazingly gracious thing for Jeff to do for me. He always believed in my talent, but not my work ethic. And it was his goal for a lot of years to make me a famous comedian, and he truly sucks at it, ’cause it took him for fuckin’ ever. I don’t mean to seem ungrateful, but I got shit to do, Jeff. First big gig we did together was the first week in December 1996 at the MGM Grand in Vegas. And You Might Be A Redneck had been the number one-selling comedy album in the country for a year and a half. It’s still the number one-selling comedy album of all time, and, uh… Jeff had been my friend for ten years, and suddenly, kaboom, he’s the biggest comedian in the world. His face is plastered all over Vegas and we are having a fucking blast. We have an all-access pass to Las Vegas, which is way better than the no-access pass we had right before that. Well, that same year my dear friend Bill Engvall, the dancer… People ask me all the time, “Do you think you’ll ever do Dancing With The Stars?” I’m like, “Not unless something goes horribly fucking wrong.” Well, that year, Bill was touring with Reba McEntire. The same week we were at the MGM Grand, they were at Caesars Palace, and that same weekend, Larry The Cable Guy was at the International House of Pancakes in Tucson, Arizona. Just getting her done, and… He wasn’t there, but the three of us were. And I was there with a woman I couldn’t stand… eventually. Now she was beautiful, beautiful. She was beautiful. 40 years old, never been married, which makes you a little suspicious. ‘Cause usually if a woman is that beautiful at 40 and never been married, either they give horrible head or they’re completely insane. And three hours after I met this chick, I’m laying on my back going, [tightly] “This bitch is crazy.” And I was right. But I took her to Vegas. Well, Bill’s doing one show at the big Forum down at Caesars, and we’re doing three shows a night in a smaller room. So when Bill gets finished, he comes down and does a set with us and when we get done with our shows, Bill and Jeff wanna go drinking and gambling, and I want to go to a prayer meeting and a poetry reading that I’d heard about. But they keep hounding me till I say, “Yeah, fuck it, let’s go.” But I didn’t want her to go. She was trash drunk on red wine. [whispering] Charming. Charming. I said, “Let me go talk to her,” so I go up to the room. I go, “I know it’s our first night in town but I’m gonna go drinking with the boys,” and she goes, [slurring] “Fine, just leave me in a hotel room by myself?” I’m like, “You’re starting to get it.” And we go out that night, it was one of the funnest nights of my life, uh… We had been friends for ten years, so we were young comics together, and that’s what we used to talk about as young comics. We would sit around, drink, and… and talk about maybe one day, you know? Maybe one day we’ll be the big comics in Vegas, and our names will be on those big fucking signs. That’s something we dreamed about and it fucking happened. And that was the first time all three of us had our names on big signs in Vegas, and we went outside to look at it, and I was like, “Fuck, now what? Jeff? Any ideas?” Anyway, it gets to be 5:30 in the morning. We decided to break it up, and Vegas will make you horny if you let it. I go back up to the room and she’s passed out, in this negligee, and she’s fucking gorgeous. But I know if I wake her up trying to have sex with her, she’ll hit me in the face with a bucket of nickels I just spotted on the nightstand. And I don’t need a new mugshot ’cause my last one was so good. Is that Glen Campbell or Nick Nolte? No, that’s our boy Tater Salad, is who that is. [cheering] So I decide, “Well, I’ll just do it myself,” so I rummage around in the dark, find some lotion, cut to the next morning. I’m sure you’re grateful. I wake up the next morning with this shit hangover, and she’s already making coffee, and I wake up and she goes, “What’s wrong with your hand?” My hand is dark orange. Bain de Soleil sunless tanning lotion… for dark skin only, and apparently I was getting down, ’cause it was on my nipples and the inside of my thigh. Thanks for playing along. I hope you guys enjoyed it. That’s it for tonight. Thank you very much. [country rock music]"
1686241521-56,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Anthony Jeselnik: Thoughts And Prayers (2015) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-thoughts-prayers-2015-full-transcript/,"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, San Francisco. Thank you so much. So good to be here. People were surprised when I told ’em I was gonna tape my special in San Francisco. Said, “Why would you do that? That’s the most politically correct city in the world.” Not when I’m on stage, it’s not. I love this place. One of my favorite cities to perform in. It’s a good place to hang out. Got to walk around a little bit today. Saw a baby. Saw a baby locked inside the back of a hot car. So it’s been a great day. Love that. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a monster. I tried to help the baby. Tried to throw a rock through the window. Window was down. Ruined that baby’s whole weekend. It was worth it. I love San Francisco. One of my favorite things is how beautiful all the women are here. Yeah. Women in San Francisco are gorgeous. I say that despite what’s… going on in this crowd tonight. But you guys live here. You guys live here. You’ve seen ’em. I was in a bar last night, saw this beautiful woman. Like a supermodel. I walked up, I was like, “Hey, where you from? What do you do?” She goes, “Oh, me? I live here in San Francisco. I’m a brain surgeon.” I don’t know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed. You know? I mean… Most women… can’t pull off sarcasm. This is gonna be a good show. See, that joke, that joke is a test. To see if you guys are cool or not. That thing about the baby in the car, that’s just me clearing my throat. That joke’s the test. If you guys laugh at that joke, whole show goes great. You don’t laugh at that joke, whole show goes bad. And I’ve had shows go very, very bad. Doesn’t matter to me at all. Now, this next joke, this next joke is a test to see how cool you are. I, uh… I used to have a son. Already some of you see where this is going, that’s good. That’s good. I used to have a little two-year-old son, but he died. The same way Eric Clapton’s son died. For inspiration. I’m not gonna lie, this is the best that joke has ever done. You guys kinda laughed, then started talking to each other for some reason. Then started clapping, that is amazing. Most people just boo me. But if you didn’t understand the joke… don’t worry. It’s a complicated joke, a lot of things you gotta know. That joke is like an onion. You’ve gotta know who Eric Clapton is. Not a given these days. You’ve gotta know about his kid. You gotta know how clumsy that little lad was. You gotta know about that terrible fucking song. And then you gotta think all that’s funny. Now, I gotta get to know you guys a little bit. Starting with you for sure. I can tell you’re a big comedy fan and bat-shit insane. Did you just come from the fucking dentist or what? What is your name? – Peggy Jo. – Peggy. Peggy, what do you try to do? Not a lot, I’m disabled. You’re disabled? I know you’re disabled. Is this your husband with you? Okay. Sir, what do you do, so I can move the fuck on. – I’m an electrician. – You’re an electrician? Great. That’s an honorable job. That’s a good job to have. I’m sure you shock the shit out of her on a daily basis. Electrician. It’s a wonderful job. There’s a lot of bad jobs out there, I’ll tell you that right now. Lot of bad jobs. Hell, my Uncle John runs a summer camp for… kids about to get molested. I know, right? I know, it sounds awful. Sounds awful, but he loves it. He’s like… Says he’s never worked a day in his life. Doesn’t pay much, but the benefits… Do you guys have any kids? How many? I have one, and he has two. Okay. You guys ever done that thing where you go online and see how many sex offenders live around you? Isn’t it crazy? Isn’t it way more than you’d think? You think it might be like one or two. No, it’s like chicken pox. I went online, 15 child molesters. Fifteen child molesters within five miles of my apartment. So, why do we always have to meet at my place? And if you’re wondering, “Anthony, this is great, but are all of these jokes gonna be about hurting children?” I don’t know, probably. Seems like something I would do. I of course live in Los Angeles. I’ve got a nice place. Obviously. My brother’s been staying with me, which has been awful. My brother is crazy. Even my neighbors hate him. The other day I opened the door, I caught him masturbating. He looks me right in the eyes and goes, “Shut the door.” I said, “Get inside.” My family loves it when I put them in jokes. They love it. “Anthony, please, put me in your next joke.” “Are you sure? I’m gonna make you a pedophile.” “We don’t care. We wanna be part of this thing you’ve got going on.” So I wrote that joke, put my brother in. I’m in Chicago, where he lives. After the show, he comes backstage and I say, “Mikey, what’d you think about that new joke? Did you like the shout out?” And he gets all uncomfortable. He goes, “Well, crowd seemed to think it was funny… but I think it’s kinda weird that you got a joke where you wanna fuck me.” And I said, “What, Mikey? No! No, Mikey. You’re my brother. That’s a joke about you masturbating in front of my house.” And he goes, “Yeah, and then you’re like, ‘Get back inside.'” Just in case you guys are wondering whether my brother’s a fuckin’ idiot. Yeah, I’ve got a nice place. Try to keep it nice. Not always successful. Like, I tried getting a puppy. Disaster. Had to get rid of that puppy. Had to get rid of that puppy almost immediately. The first time I left it home alone, the first time I left that puppy home alone, that damn thing tore my entire place apart, shit everywhere, and starved to death. Why are you mad? I’m the one who couldn’t get his money back. And this is traditionally where crowds really start to turn on me. After I kill a puppy with neglect. And it’s okay. It’s okay, you can get mad at me. You can hate me. You can hate me and still laugh at me. That’s how talented I am. And I’m used to it. I’m used to it. I once dated a girl who punched me in the face as hard as she could. Once dated a girl, punched me right in the face as hard as she could. I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t say anything about it. I just turned around and left the room. But in my head, in my head, all I was thinking was… “Now we’re even.” She was so mad. She got mad at me. She got mad at me ’cause I killed all of her plants. Killed every single one of her house plants. And she had told me. She said, “Anthony, I’m going out of town for two weeks. Give each one of these half a cup of water every other day.” But I’m a dude. All I heard was “two weeks” and “cheat on me.” Like my neighbors in L.A… My neighbors in L.A. have got this smokin’ hot 18-year-old daughter. I mean, she’s perfect. But she just got a tattoo of a butterfly over her chest. Which is horrible. Doesn’t she understand how dumb that’s gonna look some day, all stretched out over my lamp? Yeah, that’s a joke. That’s a joke where I’m a serial killer. I’m very open about it. Don’t you dare tighten up on me. I hate sensitivity. I hate it. Even when little kids get sensitive, that makes me mad. I got a six-year-old nephew. I asked what he wants for his birthday. He said, “Uncle Anthony, I want you to get me a Barbie doll.” I said, “Fuck you.” “You six-year-old piece of shit.” And don’t get me wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t care if he plays with dolls. He can wear dresses if he wants to. But I’m not getting him a Barbie doll. You see, Barbie dolls give little boys unrealistic expectations… …of how easy it’s gonna be to tear off a head. I won’t do it. I get really mad when people get sensitive about comedy. If you’re sensitive about comedy, it’s the dumbest thing you can do. I call them the joke police. They always have one rule, one rule they have. You can’t make fun of this right now. After a couple years, they move on to something else, which is why it’s so hypocritical. Like the thing today, the thing right now you can’t make fun of, the thing that’s too sensitive at this moment? Trans-gendered people. See? You can’t do it. Can’t make fun of them. It’s too sensitive. In fact, you can’t even call them “chicks with dicks” anymore. No. No. You have to call them “men who talk too much.” Right? But I hear this all the time. People’ll be like, “Anthony, that was really funny. But, man, women must hate you. Women must come to your shows and hate the shit out of you.” And I always say, “No. No. Stupid women hate my shows.” “Stupid women hate my shows. Smart women… don’t come to my shows.” Speaking of which, what’s your name? – What? Kim. – Kim. – Kim, where you from? – San Jose. San Jose? Okay. What do you do, Kim? Um, I’m a branch manager. – Like for a bank? For a Pizza Hut? – No, for… What? What the fuck? Where’d you go to school? – UC Santa Cruz. – What’d you study? – Economics. – Economics? Okay. You ever gonna use that someday? I had to go to Catholic school when I was a kid. Hated Catholic school. Hated Catholic school more than anything. The nuns were vicious. They would hit me with a ruler, slap me in the face. Anything to defend themselves. You guys loved the shit out of that one, huh? Hated school. When I was in the fifth grade, one of my classmates got cancer. Came down with the cancer. Which was sad. But the story is actually cool and inspiring. Every single guy… Every single guy in the school, we all… shaved our heads to make fun of him. Yeah. No, it was great. It was great, we did it for like a month. We would have kept doin’ it, but you know. You know how cancer gets. You guys ever… You guys ever trace back your family history? Go back a couple generations in your family tree, find out embarrassing shit you wish you didn’t know? I traced my family tree back, found that I actually had family fighting on both sides in World War II. Humiliating. The piece-of-shit side of my family fought for the Nazi infantry in Germany, while the bad-ass Jeselniks were here in America spying for the Germans. I assume everyone is drinking tonight? – Yeah! – Yeah! Whoo! That’s good. I love to drink. Love it. Do it all the time, every day, always have. I don’t know where it comes from either. Even my parents tell me, when I was just a little baby, I used to climb out of my crib every morning, and then crawl over to the liquor cabinet… to try to spend time with them. I like San Francisco, so liberal. So liberal. Clap your hands here. Clap your hands if you own a gun. San Jose is in the house, huh? Not too bad. I once asked the crowd in Houston that question. They just started firing guns in the air. Didn’t even let me finish the question. I don’t own a gun. I’m against guns, to be honest. When I was a kid… When I was a kid, my parents had a gun. My parents said we had to have a gun. Gotta have a gun to protect the five children. Gotta have a gun to protect our five children. Of course, they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children. I’m not gonna lie, it was fun while it lasted. I was getting pretty good towards the end. Man, my parents were strict. Mom and dad were strict. My mom and dad once made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes. An entire pack of cigarettes in one sitting. Just to teach me an important lesson about brand loyalty. I learned a lot from my parents. Especially my dad. Like, I’ll never forget… the first time I ever got a bad report card in school. First time I got a bad report card, I brought it home, I gave it to my dad and my dad beat me. Beat the hell out of me. But I learned something. Because the next time I got a bad report card in school, I brought it home and I gave it to my mom. Let her take the hit. Yeah.
 My dad was a hard-ass. One of those guys who believed that men just learn by doing things. You know? You don’t take classes. You don’t read the instructions. You just do it and figure it out. Like, when I was a kid, I never got to take swimming lessons. No, my dad would pick me up and throw me in the water to teach himself CPR.
 As a kid, my dad’s prized possession, my dad’s favorite thing in the world growing up? My dad was the proud owner of a Mickey Mantle rookie card. Mickey Mantle rookie baseball card, mint condition. Kept it between two little pieces of plastic. But I was a kid. I didn’t know any better. One day I took that card to school and I traded it to a classmate for a candy bar. You know what that card is worth today? My relationship with my father.
 I mean it, my dad was no joke. My dad did not fuck around. My dad did not trust anybody. My dad did not trust anyone. In fact, he had a saying… but he wouldn’t tell me. What, too clever for you? That joke is fuckin’ amazing. Last year was a sad year for my family. Last year, my mom should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday. But because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions, we all forgot. It was sad.
 When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about getting older, growing up and having money, and buying my mom nice things for her birthday. When I was a kid, we were poor. So poor I remember, just so I could go to my senior prom, just so I could go to my senior prom, I had to sell my U.S. passport on the street. Sold my passport on the street for 300 bucks to get to go to my prom. Of course this was before 9/11 so… my bad, everybody. Weird joke to clap for, but sure. My mom actually should’ve been on one of the planes that crashed on 9/11. I think.
 I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved my mother. She was my mom, of course I loved her. We fought a lot. My mom could be very racist. Very racist. And I do not tolerate racism. That’s ignorance and I hate that. When I was a kid, like nine years old, I’d come home after school. Once in a while, I’d bring a friend over to play with me at my house. Once in a while, I’d bring a black friend over. And when I did that, my mom would act weird. She’d pull me aside and say, “Anthony, who’s your new friend? Is he a drug dealer?” And I would say, “Shut up, Mom, that’s racist. Put your money away.” I never get to see my family anymore, really. Most of them are in jail, to be honest. And we never talk, write letters or any of that shit. ‘Cause they’re all in jail for the exact same thing. My testimony. You. – What’s your name? – Melissa. – Melissa, where you from? – Santa Clara. – What do you do? – I win things on the radio. – You win things on the radio? – Yeah. Follow-up question, how’d you get tickets to this? Let me ask you this. You ever, uh… you ever find a body in the woods? Ever do that? No? It’s okay. I have. I was walking through the woods one day and… some poor bastard had stepped in a bear trap or something. I never told anybody about it. But I went back there a week later, and he was dead. Yeah. I do crazy shit like that all the time. What can I say? I’m wacky. The other night I was driving my car. I was driving my car and I ran over a deer… a dear, dear friend. I’m torn constantly. At night, I do shows, but during the day, I’ve got a hobby. During the day, I go from town to town… and I shut down the local abortion clinic. You heard me. I shut down abortion clinics everywhere I go. It’s easy for me. I’m charming. I stand outside the front doors all day long and… consistently underbid them. You guys mad about that one? It’s gonna get so much fuckin’ worse. Gotta talk to one more person. You, sir. What’s your name? – Allan. – Allan, where you from? – Frisco. – Frisco. I can tell you’re a local ’cause of how cool you are. What do you do, Frisco? – I fight fires. I fight fires. – You what? You’re a firefighter? Awesome. What do you wanna do? If you could do anything. If you could do any job in the world, what would your dream job be? – Travel the world. – Travel the world. It’s good to have a dream. I hope you go for it. It doesn’t sound like you’re even gonna get close. I think you should do it. Travel the world. Do it.
 Everyone should try to live their dream, that’s my point. Everyone. I get to live my dream. I mean, not when I’m in San Francisco, but for the most part. Being a comedian was my dream. ‘Cause no one can tell me what to do. That’s all I cared about. Most people don’t ever try to live their dream. Lot of people try and they fail. Which I think is better, more noble, more respectable.
 I had an uncle. All he ever dreamed about, cared about, talked about… wanted to become an astronaut. Fly into space one day. And he went for it. He went for it. And he failed. He blew it. Ended up becoming one of those pussies… …on the Space Shuttle Challenger. You guys remember that, right? I think it’s funny. I think it’s funny how the things that happen to us when we’re kids end up staying with us for our entire lives. I got this little niece. When she was three years old, she almost drowned. And now to this day, even ten years later, she still will not go anywhere near me. Yeah, I was babysitting her… and trying to do laundry. And she accidentally fell into the washing machine. Thought I was quick. I got good reflexes. I thought I got her out before anyone would find out what happened, but nope. Turned everything pink. You’re gonna find out a lot about yourselves on this next one. Hey, did you guys know… Did you guys know that when a newborn baby… when a newborn baby is first born, when it’s fresh out of the womb… it can actually hear and see everything around it… for up to ten seconds after it’s decapitated? Yeah. Yeah. I never know what to say. I never know what to say to someone after they’ve lost a baby. What do you say to someone after they’ve lost a baby? “Oh, I’m sorry for your loss”? Doesn’t cut it. “Are you gonna be okay?” Not even close. That’s why I just keep my mouth shut. Let my lawyer do the talking. I’m not good with kids. That’s my point. That’s what this whole thing’s about. I’m not good with kids. Not gonna lie. Hell, a couple of months ago, I dropped my cousin’s baby. Flat-out dropped my cousin’s baby on the ground. But I don’t feel like that was my fault. I don’t feel responsible for that one, you know? Who in their right mind… who the hell in their right mind would ever ask me, Anthony Jeselnik, to be a pallbearer?     It’s okay, people hate… people hate dead baby jokes. They hate them. They hate them. It’s like, “Anthony, why do you have to tell dead baby jokes? Why do you have so many dead baby jokes?” “No one likes them, why do you insist?” Well, I’ll tell you why. Because dead baby jokes have made me rich. And who was it? Who was it who said the first million is the hardest? Was it Hitler? Didn’t see that one coming, did you? That was a good response. Most audiences just pretend I didn’t say it. But I like it. I like making Hitler jokes. It’s cool for me. I enjoy it. Hell, I lost my grandfather. I lost my grandfather in the Holocaust Museum. It was the Holocaust Museum of Modern Art. Which is just like a normal Holocaust museum, except you walk around all day being like, “Oh! I should have thought of that.” My grandmother died about a year ago. And I didn’t think anything could ever be worse than when my grandmother passed away. But I was wrong. It was fine. The hard part, the upsetting part… was that we thought she died in the way that she wanted. She wanted to die in the best way possible, like uh… You, radio winner. What’s the best way you can die? This is not a trick question. – In your sleep? – Yes, thank you. Thank you, everybody wants to die peacefully in their sleep. Not me. I want to be alert, awake, surrounded by friends, in a house fire. But my grandmother wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. We thought that’s how she went. We were all excited for her. But then we did an autopsy. Found out she actually died horribly, in the worst way possible. During an autopsy. It was fucked up. Yeah. Yeah. She always said her grandkids didn’t pay enough attention to her and… and she was right. She was dead on. But I loved my grandma. Loved her very much. My grandma taught me about a lot. Taught me what religion is. Taught me everything you can know about religion, in one quick story. I’ll tell you now. When I graduated from high school… When I graduated, my grandma came to me, gave me a big hug, said, “Anthony, I’m so proud of you. You’re my first grandchild to get to go to college. What can I do for you, what can I give you before you go to college?” And I said, “Honestly, Grandma, all I need from you is money.” Yeah, I know you guys have never been, but college is expensive. And my grandma said, “Okay, Anthony, I understand.” Couple months go by. It’s the end of summer. I’m packing up my dad’s car, getting ready to go to school, and my grandma walks up. Says, “Anthony, here, before you leave, take this.” And she handed me a brand-new Bible. King James Version. And I said, “Thanks, Grandma, that’s exactly what we talked about.” I got in the car and I went off to school. Couple of weeks go by, I’m hanging out in my dorm room, having a good time, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, just calling to see how college is going.” “Grandma, college is the best. I’m having the time of my life. But to be honest, I’m starting to run low on money, and I could use a little bit, like we talked about.” She said, “Okay, well let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Totally, Grandma, I’m on chapter four.” She said, “Okay, Anthony, I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Hung up the phone. Couple of months go by. Now I’m really starting to struggle financially. Might have to drop out of school, so I call my grandma in a panic. I say, “Please, it’s Anthony. I’m having the time of my life in college. But if I wanna graduate, and I do, I need you to send me some money like we talked about.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Have you been reading your Bible?” And I said, “Yes, Grandma! I wish it was longer!” And she said, “Okay, Anthony. I guess I’ll talk to you later.” Finally, it’s the end of the school year. I’ve got straight A’s, but I’m dropping out of college, ’cause I have no more money left. And I’m furious, close to tears, cleaning out my dorm room, when the phone rings. It’s my grandma. “Anthony, I heard you’re dropping out of school today. How come?” And I said, “You know goddamn well how come, Grandma! ‘Cause you wouldn’t give me any money.” She said, “Anthony, let me ask you this: Did you read your Bible?” And I just hung up the phone. I was so pissed off. Took everything out of that room. Last thing I took off the shelf, the last thing I took out of that room, was that Bible my grandma had given me. Took it off the shelf, held it in my hands, and for the first time, I actually opened it up. And on the very first page, in my grandmother’s handwriting, it said, “Fuck you.” Thank you everyone. I hope you enjoyed the jokes I prepared for you tonight. And all the jokes I write, they’re all made up, they’re all fake, except for Eric Clapton and the Challenger. Everything else… everything else is fake. But everything I’m about to tell you, from here until the end of the show, that’s all true. Now… I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I’m a comedian because I tell dark jokes. I’m kind of fucked up, all right? I’ve always been this way. I can’t really help myself. It gets me into trouble a lot. I lose friends. It’s ruined relationships with people in my family. For instance, my grandmother actually did pass away, about six months ago. I did love her very much. She was a big fan of mine. And I was asked to speak at her funeral, which was a horrible mistake. Horrible mistake. No one should ever ask me to speak at anyone’s funeral. I asked a friend for advice. Was like, “I’ve never talked to a group of people without getting paid a lot of money. How should I handle this?” “Anthony, just go up there and tell a story. Find one moment about you and your grandma you can share with everybody. And don’t tell a joke. Try not to.” So I walked up and was like, “You know what my favorite memory was? When I was like four years old, before I learned to read, Grandma would curl up with me on the couch, she had this Southern accent, and she would read to me. She would read Mark Twain to me, and I loved it. Like… Mark Twain out of my grandma’s mouth, it would just come to life.” And then I couldn’t help myself. I said, “And I know my grandma loved it too, because it combined her two favorite things: spending time with her grandchildren, and using the ‘N’ word.” Now I promise you… I promise you… until you’ve heard your grandfather gasp at his own wife’s funeral… …at a Methodist Church in Vicksburg, Mississippi… you are not a real comedian. I am a real comedian. I am a pure comedian. I think I’m one of the best comedians of all time. But here’s the thing. It doesn’t matter if you believe me. It really doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I would pass a lie detector test. I like to test myself. I like to test myself by joking about horrible things and nothing but. One of my favorite ways to test myself, I like to joke about tragedies the day that they happen. The day they happen. I don’t believe in too soon. I’m on a tight schedule. And I’m good at it. I’m good at it. Like, the day of… the day of the Aurora, Colorado Batman movie theater shooting. The day it happened, I went online, I went on Twitter, and I tweeted “Other than that, how was the movie?” Right? Right? Nailed it. Nailed it. And the reason I get away with that… the reason I get away with stuff like that is I’m just the guy who does it. People are used to it from me. It would be weird if I didn’t make a joke the day of a tragedy. Which is why I was very surprised when I got in a lot of trouble the day of the Boston Marathon. Now, I don’t follow the news regularly. But I know the second a tragedy happens because I get 25 text messages saying, “Don’t do it.” And whenever I see that… whenever I see that, it makes me sad. It makes me sad ’cause I know something horrible has happened. People will say, “Anthony, what’s funny about Aurora? What’s funny about the Boston Marathon? What’s funny about your grandmother’s funeral?” Nothing! Nothing is funny about those things. That’s where I come in. So I see these texts and I’m like, “Oh, no, what happened?” But I also think, “I’ve got a job to do.” So I go online, I start reading about it. I don’t want to watch the footage. But I’ll read about what happened. And I think, “How can I make someone laugh today?” And then I think, “I got it.” I go back on Twitter. And I tweet, “Guys, today, there are just some lines that should not be crossed.” “Especially the finish line.” And again, I think, “Nailed it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” But then my phone starts to ring. And it’s my boss. Or should I say my former boss. And they say, “Anthony, this is unacceptable. You are not just a comedian today. You’re also the host of your own TV show, with your name in the title, on our network. You take this joke down right now or you’re fired.” And I say, “Go fuck yourselves.” And I meant it. I didn’t get into comedy for money or fame. I know that sounds wrong, because I’m dripping with both. I only got into this business so that no one could tell me what to do. And they said… Sure. They said, “Well, Anthony, you don’t understand. You don’t understand at all. If you don’t take this joke down right now, if you don’t delete this joke right now, not only are you fired, but the entire cast and crew of your television show, about a hundred people, they’re also out of a job.” And I’m ashamed to tell you this. I’m embarrassed to admit it. But in that moment, I folded, and I deleted the joke. ‘Cause I’m happy to fight for what I believe in. I’m happy to take the consequences for what I’ve done. But what I could not do, cannot do, is walk up to my cameraman and say, “Hey, buddy, no work for you on Monday. I had this sweet tweet.” Couldn’t do it. But as soon as I hit delete, I got mad and I regretted it. I would fire every single one of those fucking assholes now, I’ll tell ya that. And I got mad for betraying myself and everything I believe in. I’m just as mad today as I was then. Just as mad. So mad, I had to have a meeting with the network, where they called me in for a little lecture. They’re like, “Anthony, we’re family. Why are you so upset? Can’t you see we did you a favor? Don’t you worry about your career?” Let me ask you, San Francisco, do I seem like I worry about my career? No. You know why people who win the lottery always end up going bankrupt? Because if they’re worried about their money, they wouldn’t have played the lottery in the first fuckin’ place. I do not worry about my career. And they said, “Anthony, the problem is when you make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy, it seems like you’re making fun of the victims, and that’s wrong.” But that’s not what I’m doing. Because, you see, the day of a tragedy, victims are not on Twitter. Am I wrong? Tell me I’m wrong. The day of a tragedy, victims have got victim shit to do. No one is ever… No one is ever putting on a tourniquet, asking, “Hey, are we trending?” No. This is who I’m making fun of when I make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy. The people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to the Internet. And they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. And they all write down the exact same thing: “My thoughts and prayers…” “My thoughts and prayers with the people in Aurora.” “My thoughts and prayers with the families in Boston.” Do you know what that’s worth? Fucking nothing. Fucking less than nothing. Less than nothing. You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing, all you are doing, is saying, “Don’t forget about me today.” “Don’t forget about me.” “Lots of crazy distractions in the news, but don’t forget how sad I am.” Those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of. They’re like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies. You understand? Now I’m sure everyone here has told a joke before where nobody laughed at it. It’s fine. It’s embarrassing, but it’s fun. You can laugh at yourself. It’s not a reason to stop telling jokes. Maybe some of you have told a joke before where someone got mad at you for it. Trust me, that’s fun too. You guys ever tell a joke and then get death threats? Well, I guess that’s what makes me me. On my television show, I once did a segment that aired once and only once, before it was banned, called “Shark Party.” All right? Now… Some of you enjoyed it, but if you’ve never seen “Shark Party,” you can never see “Shark Party.” It’s been wiped off the face of the earth by the powers that be, so I will explain it to you. I love sharks. I love sharks more than anything. People… People I can barely fucking tolerate. Every single year, 100 million sharks are killed by human beings. Every year, 20, 25 people killed by sharks? So when I hear about a shark attack, I’m like, “Fuck, yeah.” Win one for the home team. So as soon as I get this show where I can do what I want, I say, “You know what? I want to have a shark party. As soon as there’s a shark attack, we’re having a shark party.” And I get lucky. About a month into my run, this guy from New Zealand gets eaten by a great white, the champagne of sharks. And I know exactly what to do. I’ve already got the script written. I walk on stage, in front of the cameras. I say, “Ladies and gentlemen, this guy from New Zealand has been eaten by a great white shark. It’s time for a shark party.” Lights go down, music comes up. Six women wearing shark dresses come out on either side of me, and we all start dancing. For way too long. A stripper wearing a giant shark head runs out and gives me a lap dance. Very tasteful. And then I stand up and we show a giant picture of the guy who got eaten. Which, in retrospect, is where it all went wrong. But I get to say my favorite thing I’ve ever said on television: “Smile, you son of a bitch. Shark party.” And in America, where I’m famous for those types of shenanigans… everybody was like, “Anthony, that was fucked up.” “It was fucked up to see you dance.” End of controversy. However, in New Zealand, where they don’t get my show, they’ve never seen me, and frankly, they don’t get out much… the New Zealand media takes the video… and they show it to the guy’s family. And they say, “What do you guys think about this?” And they say, “Crikey,” or whatever the fuck they say over there. The point is, all of New Zealand, all of New Zealand rises up against me. All 45 of those cunts rise up. And start threatening my life. Now, I don’t read the things that people write about me on the Internet. But I pay people who do. And they come to me, and they’re like, “We’ve got some terrible news. Please sit down.” They say, “You are getting a lot of death threats online from New Zealand because of ‘Shark Party.'” And I was like, “Really? New Zealand wants to kill me? That’s weird because they didn’t even kill the shark.” I said, “How many death threats am I getting?” And they were like “Oh, all of them. You are getting all of the death threats. What do you want us to do? We can send someone to talk to them. Extra security? What do you want?” I said, “No, forget about it. Leave it alone, don’t worry.” This might be hard for some to understand. I’ve said it several times tonight. Everyone is going to die. I know full well I am going to die. And most of us don’t get to choose how we check out. But if I die because someone murders me over one of my jokes? Best case scenario. If somebody murders me over one of my jokes, I immediately become a legend. I’m a comedy God. The Mount Rushmore of comedy is me, four times. I said, “Come on then.” My security guys are like, “Okay, Anthony, well, just so you know, that is the dumbest thing we’ve ever heard.” “But you’re the boss. Okay.” And they leave. And then the next day they come back. And they say “Anthony, sorry to bother you again. I know you didn’t care yesterday, but it’s gotten much worse. You’re gonna wanna hear this.” They say, “Someone from New Zealand tracked down your mom and dad’s phone number and address in Pittsburgh, posted that online… and now your entire family is getting death threats from New Zealand.” And I have to admit, that had never occurred to me before. It never crossed my mind… that my family, my loved ones, would ever pay the price, be caught in harm’s way, for something I’ve done or I’ve joked about. And honestly, I would cut my throat for my jokes. I would give my life for what I do. But if anyone, and I mean this for a fact, if anyone ever hurt my family or killed someone I cared about because of a joke I’ve made? Even better."
1686241713-105,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Gabriel Iglesias: Hot And Fluffy (2007) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/gabriel-iglesias-hot-and-fluffy-2007-full-transcript/,"[Latino-style music] [audience cheering] (male announcer) Ladies and gentlemen! From Bakersfield, California, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you! Thank you! Wow! [high-pitched screech] [laughs] Oooh! Oh, yeah, I have no pressure. [audience laughs] Thank you so much, Bakersfield. I can’t thank you guys enough for making this a completely sold-out house here– at the Fox Theater. [loud cheering] Yeah, well, a lot of people around say, Where are you gonna do your special? When you get to do your special, where you gonna do it? And a couple people say, Well, are you gonna do it in New York, in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A., New York wasn’t where I got my start, in 1997, my first theater performance was right here on this very stage. [cheering and whistling] And I know some of you are looking at the background going, [high-pitched female] Okay, then if he’s showing Bakersfield love, how come he has a picture of Hawaii? [laughter] And just so you know, that’s not a picture of Hawaii, that’s a picture of the The Bluffs here in Bakersfield. [wild cheering and whistling] Woo! I love you guys, man. I have– I have way too many good memories here, man, some of them are kind of blurred because I was [birdlike noise]. You can’t hang out seriously here. You gotta be careful ’cause the Police here in Bakersfield, they don’t mess around. They will stop you for anything, man. They got me outside, [siren] (male voice over bullhorn) What are you doing? Walking. But I noticed something though. If you can make a cop laugh, they will work with you. But you gotta really make ’em laugh. You can’t just make ’em go, Ahh. You gotta make ’em, you know, [screech chuckle] I made a cop laugh so hard one time, he almost peed on himself. I know this ’cause he told me. He was, like, [Southern accent] You don’t understand. I damn near pissed myself. [laughter] And here in Bakersfield, man, it’s no different, man. I love every part of this town. I even love Oildale. Oh, yeah. And for everybody watching at home, going, What the hell is Oildale? [chuckles] [imitates banjo] Yeehaw! But I still love it, guys, I still love it. But yeah, man, drinking here in town, you gotta be careful ’cause some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can’t. And you have no clue. Guys especially. You know how it goes. We get loaded, we turn into one of three people. We’re either the I love you guy, I hate you guy, or the “mere” guy. You know that guy, right? Shh, hey! Mere. I know ’cause that’s me. Oh my God, I can’t handle alcohol. People, when they get drunk they say things they don’t mean. You know when I’m drunk you hear something like Woo! I’m going running. [laughter] You better cut me off. Aw, hell, yeah man. And when I drink, I only drink like regular alcohol. I don’t do beer. Beer just doesn’t–no. Beer makes me talk to my body. I don’t like that. When I get drunk on beer, I get weird. I’m, like– [breathes into mike] [low growl] What’s the matter? [laughter] [low growl] Hey! You said you could hang. [low growl] Don’t talk to me there! [brrr] You talkin’ shit too? [audience woos and cheers] That’s what I say. You just gotta be careful, you know. And if you’re gonna drink and you are thinking about driving, don’t do it. It’s not a good idea ’cause like I say, You know when you’re drunk. You’re doing laps in the parking lot and you can’t find the exit. Hello? Some of you make it out to the streets, you know when you’re drunk, you’re like, [rrr rrr] Behind you you hear– [truck horn] [drunken slur] Shut up, stupid! If you hear the magical sound [siren] one of two things will pop into your head. Either, one: [drunken slur] I’m okay, I’m fine. I can beat this. Or, two: [siren] [drunken slur] I’m gonna go to jail. [laughter] I’m gonna go to jail! I’m gonna go to jail! I gotta let you go, babe. I gonna go to jail. Tell the kids I love them. Bye. [rrr] I’m gonna tell you right now, again, if you can make the Police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk driving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the– [rrr and screech]. Now, if you know for a fact that you are gonna go to jail, okay, you’re already–I’m gone. Have a little fun. [laughter] I don’t mean take off on a high speed pursuit. No, no, no, don’t do that. ‘Cause you’re not gonna get very far. I mean, if you’re drunk and you know you’re gonna go to jail, and you have tinted windows– have a little extra fun. Take off your seatbelt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on and just wait for the cop. [laughter] You have no idea how bad you’re gonna throw his ass off, you guys. He’s gonna come over to the driver’s side with a flashlight– And you’re sitting there… [laughter] [drunken slur] He was here a second ago. I don’t know where he went. [laughter] Excuse me? What?? Me drive? Aw, hell no, I’m fucked up. [loud laughter] [cheering and whistling] That’s sad because I know some of you are gonna try it. [laughter] [childish voice] Let’s do what the fat guy said! Do it! And for the record, I’m not fat. I’m Fluffy. [wild cheering] For those of you who still don’t know, there are five levels of fatness. Fluffy is one of the levels. There’s Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and [shouts] Damn! I’m still number four. People go, How do you know when you’re number five? Well, ’cause people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that’s crowded and people stop you and go, Uh-uh. Damn! If you go to Disneyland and little kids want to ride–you! [laughter] [childish voice] I wanna get on that one. [deep growl] [child’s voice] Damn. Hey, I’m sorry, little kids are too honest, man. They’re like little alcoholics. I love Disneyland but they’re not fluffy-friendly. They’re not, man. They care about safety, you know, and that sucks, ’cause I could handle one bar. One bar, I’m cool. But now they got the whole–[clacking] If you’re fluffy, one of those is not gonna lock. You’re trying– People are in line, You can do it! One time I took a trip with my buddy Mondo. A big guy, another big guy. And I went with him because his family, they decided to go and he didn’t want to be the only one hanging out by the strollers. [laughter] So we’re hanging out at the end of the day, my buddy Mondo goes, Dude, we should get on a ride! I go, Which one? We can’t get on none of them, dude, we’re too big. He goes, there’s a ride here at Disneyland that’s called Splash Mountain. I go, What is that? He goes, It’s a log and you get inside the log and it goes uphill, it goes down, and makes a splash. No seatbelt, no pull-bar. You just get in and go. I go, No seatbelt? No pull-bar? [high-pitched laugh] [laughter] So we get in line for our ride, we’re all pumped up, and I see people getting off the ride with these little note cards. I go, What are those? He goes, oh, they take a photo of you when you go downhill. Oh, okay, cool. So we get to the front of the line, and then we have to deal with the lady with the headset, the lady who takes her job way too serious. [high-pitched female] Okay, how many people? Four? Okay. Two here, two here. How many, five? Okay, three there, two there. We get to the front, How many peo–? [laughter] Who cares? We get our own boat. We take off. [beeping] [hissing] [chugging] [splashing] We’re splishing and splashing like little kids– [high-pitched laughter] Three minutes go by, the moment of truth, we get to the hill. [splash] [chugging] [chugging stops] [hissing] [laughter] My buddy Mondo turns around, he says, Dude, let’s flash the camera. [loud laughter] I said, You’re stupid. I’m down. [loud laughter] So as soon as they let us go, right? [hissing] [long howl] [loud laughter] [howl] [splash] We get off the ride, we are soaking wet, [screeching laughter] [squish, squish] We’re all rosado right here. We got a mean old baby rash. [squish squish] We go to buy the picture, and there’s a lady behind the counter with her hand on the screen. [chuckles] And I ask my buddy Mondo, I said, Bro, what boat are we? He says, 22. I go, She’s covering 22! He goes, Oh, we better sneak out of here. Ho, yeah, we’re gonna sneak out. [squish squish] We get past the picture girl but then we get stopped by Disney Security. And you have not lived until you been stopped by a freaking man wearing a badge in the shape of a mouse. This guy was like, [Southern male accent] Hold on! Hold on a second! Ma’am, move away your hand from the screen. You guys see what I see here? That’s a disgrace to this park! We can’t believe anyone could take such a photo. My question to you guys– Do you recognize the two big women in this picture? [laughter] And it wasn’t until we walked over to this photo that my buddy Armando and I realized something about ourselves. And that is that when two full-grown fluffy men are going downhill at a 45-degree angle, with no shirts on, going like this, [laughter] we both look like sexy bitches. [laughter] But again, if you’re gonna drink, just be careful, you guys. Some of you can handle, and some can’t– I got kicked out of a bar on Saint Patrick’s Day. I was performing at the bar. How do I get thrown out, right? I’m having fun, people are giving me free drinks. [high-pitched female] Here, have another drink. I’m, like, woo! I started pissing off the management and the owners of this Irish place that I was at. The bartender’s like, Hey, buddy, relax! Are you okay? Are you having a good time? I was so drunk I did this: [imitates Irish accent] I’m having a great time. People around me, Oh my God, are you Irish? I was, like, [imitates Irish accent] Aye! They’re, like, What part of Ireland are you from? Uh, downtown. Are you here by yourself? Oh, no, I’m not here by myself. Donkey! [laughter] Now if you’re not laughing, you need to get out more often because that’s a funny joke. That’s hysterical. Ask a 10-year old, they’ll tell you, [childish voice] That’s funny! I did that joke one night at Memphis, Tennessee. And some guy thought he knew why it was funny. And he was way off but he confronted me outside, all drunk, [Southern accent] Hey, you! Fluffy! I’m, like, What? ‘Mere. No, you ‘mere. And he walks over and he says, I have to tell you your show was hysterical. I done near wet myself when you said ‘Donkey!’ My friend Rod didn’t laugh so I had to explain it to him and he thinks I’m wrong but I know I’m right. Could yah set the record straight? Sure, what’d you tell your friend? Okay, look here, I told him the reason why it was funnier than hell when you said ‘Donkey!’– it’s ’cause you’re Mexican. [laughter] And you people ride Donkeys! [laughter] Normally, I woulda been all over this guy but two things, one, I was in Memphis, Tennessee, no support. [laughter] And, two, the guy was drunk. I just don’t deal with drunk people, man, uh-uh. When it comes to drinking and women, ladies, when you go out, make sure you take one guy with you. You need to take one guy, even if he’s– [high-pitched] Oh, my God! You need one. [laughter] ‘Cause a group of you get together, there’s always one who will elect herself the team captain, right? Try to rally the troops? Get everybody together– [high-pitched] Okay, look, [laughs] check it out, this is a–shut up! [laughs] Okay, look, this is what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take my car, so leave your car, my car, leave your car, ready, ready, let’s go. They get in the car– [motor noises]. They get to the club– [motor noises]. [clicking heels] [high-pitched] Oh no, my purse! [clicking] They go inside the club, they start jamming, having fun, [club music beat] (male voice) Oo-lah! [club music beat] End of the night, that same girl who’s been the leader, the captain, she gets more hammered than everybody. She’s the biggest hypocrite walking, now missing a shoe, purse, keys, friends, car. Look, some of you are pointing, “That’s you, bitch!” [laughter] End of the night, she’s stumbling out of the club, [high-pitched laughter] I gotta pee. Not anymore. [laughter] She’s on the curb crying, mascara’s coming down her face, [high-pitched] I’m so wasted. Who the hell is gonna want me now? That’s when I come out. [shriek] Wassup? [laughter] I keep coming back to alcohol. I keep having these issues with it. Like, I got loaded one night, and I don’t know what happened, I accidentally wound up at this, um, “dance place”— gentlemen clubby place, right? I wasn’t driving, it was an accident. We pulled up to the place and– [motor noises]. [surprised] Ahhh! I knew where I was at. Even when you’re drunk, you could be drunk and blind, you know where you’re at, as long as you hear– [rapid music beat] [female screech] [laughter] I walked in there and I got recognized by one of the dancers. You gotta call them dancers or entertainers or they get mad at you. They’ll get mad. [high-pitched] I am not a stripper. Okay? I am an–entertainer. I’m like, Nooo, I’m an entertainer. You’re a nasty. Some girl recognizes you, [high-pitched] Oh my God! I know who you are! You’re famous! And I’m like, Oh, no. Oh, no. And some other dancer who’s spinning on a pole overheard “famous” and she stops. Just ee! [laughter] She walks over, Oh my God, you’re famous? Can I have your autograph? [drunken slur] You don’t even know me. I don’t care. Sign it! Okay, relax. What’s your name? Diamond. What’s your last name? Rodriguez. [laughter] To Diamond. With all my love and affection– Hurry up! I got mad so I wrote– George Lopez. [laughter] I was drunk. I didn’t care. I’m all loaded. She freaked out, she’s like– Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You’re George Lopez! I can’t help it, you guys, I was so drunk I did this, I said: [imitates George Lopez] I know, ha. [laughter] Ey! Ey, cabrona! Why you crying? Why you crying? [speaks Spanish] Esta loca. I won’t lie to you guys, George knows I do that. I don’t think he likes it. [laughter] I’ve done that to a couple of other people, you know, I did that to Paul Rodriguez, and Paul was cool. Paul was really cool about it. He was, like, you know, [imitates Paul] Hey, I heard there’s a guy out there who knows how to talk like me. ls that you? I said, [imitates Paul] Yeah, that’s me. [laughter] [imitates Paul] That’s purty good! I said, [imitates George] I know, ha. [laughter] Hey, can you do Mencia? [imitates Mencia] Da-da-daa! [imitates Mencia] Da’s how you do it! Now, Carlos knows I do that, and he gets mad at me ’cause he goes [imitates Carlos] You gotta do it–better! No, sometimes I use my voices for evil, man, I won’t lie. If I don’t have my way, like, when I go to drive-thrus, and they screw up my order, [gasp] oh, I’m evil. I go back around and I start ordering but I throw them off by doing this. They’ll come on the speaker: (impersonal voice) Welcome to Fantastic Burger, how can I help you? I’ll do this: [high-pitched girl] Hello, sir? [laughs] Hi! Can I please have a double cheeseburger, an order of fries and a shake? [laughs] Double cheeseburger, order of fries and a shake. [girl] Oh, my God! Yes! Thank you, pull up to the window. Then I pull up. Oh, they’re not expecting–me. [laughter] [rrr, brakes screech] Oh, the look on their face is the best, right? (guy’s voice) Did you just order? They come back with a bag of food, Um, would you like ketchup? That’s where I let ’em have it. [high-pitched] Oh, my God, yes! [laughs] Hell, yeah, man. Oh, by the way, before I forget, I know I have a habit on my shows of sometimes throwing a little Spanish in there. If you don’t understand Spanish, I do apologize, okay? I promise I will be translating. I don’t want anybody freaking out or reporting me to the management with concerns or issues, you know. [male Southern accent] What the hell is going on in there! What kind of show is this? Now somebody better hit the SAP button on that son of a bitch real quick! I didn’t pay good money to hear some Samoan speak Spanish. I’m not Samoan, I’m–Fluffy. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Samoan, you know. And I’ve had this happen a couple times where people go, Are you Hawaiian? Why, no. It’s not just the shirt. I thought it was just the shirt but no, how can it just be a shirt? Just because you wear a freakin’ sombrero, that doesn’t make you Mexican. I see white people wearing a sarape, walking a donkey with a sombrero, you don’t look at ’em and go, Hola, amigo. No, you’re like, Hey, Ted. Hi. You know, and he’s walking around Hola. Come on. Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey! Come on. I don’t get it, man. But it’s funny though. I didn’t know why the guy thought I was Hawaiian until I actually went to Hawaii, I found out that Hawaiian people actually look like swollen Mexicans. [laughter] They do! I got off the plane, I looked around, I was, like, [high-pitched] Oh, my God! My family! Even they were, like, Aloha brother, [unintelligible]. Orale! I loved Hawaii. Hawaii was great, man. They have a lot of different cultures there. They have a lot of Asian people. A lot. A lot of Koreans. I know this because I got a couple of shirts tailored at some places, and every time I go in, there’s always a Korean lady. An older Korean lady. Who was mean. l’d walk in and this one lady always had a comment to make. I’m there for a week and every day she had a different comment. I walk in one day and, I couldn’t say anything either ’cause she was 75 years old. I can’t say nothing back. But there I am, walking in. [ding-dong] The lady behind the counter, [imitates female Asian accent] Ohhh! Oh, looka who’s here. [laughter] Looka who’s here. Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka hard today. [laughter] [unintelligible] Whatever. [chuckles] Don’t make fun of me. But I can handle it, you know. I can handle it. People say, Gabriel, you go up there and you make fun of yourself. No, I don’t. I come up here and I tell you the things that I heard people say. There’s a difference. Sometimes I set myself up for jokes and I don’t realize it. Three years ago, I bought a Beetle. Not even thinking. [light laughter] That’s not the joke, shut up. [loud laughter] See, I can’t even tell you guys a story. [high-pitched laughter] Hmm. I wasn’t thinking, I bought the car ’cause it was affordable, economical, brand new freakin’ Beetle for, like, 1 7 grand. I was, like, [high-pitched screech] first new car. I go to show it off at my friend Martin’s house. I thought it was nice, I pull up, you know, [rrr, screech] Martiiin! He lives in the Hood, I don’t get out of the car. Across the street there are these gang members, they don’t really get into shooting people and stuff like that, they just hang out on the porch and talk a lot of smack. So I’m there in the Beetle and across the street I hear this, I’m, like, Martiiin! And over here, I hear– Orale. [laughter] Hey, what’s up, guys? How’s it going? (more distant voice) How’d you get in there ese. [laughter] Hurry up, Martin! [laughter] Two months later, I go back to pick him up. Now I’ve had some time to work on the car, I put some rims on it, some stickers, I put a chip in the motor so it goes faster. I thought I was bad, right? I pull up, [rrr, tires screech] [rrr, rrr] Martiiin! Orale! [laughter] Uh-uh, I’m not turning around. Hey. Uh-uh. Hey. I don’t see you. Yoo-hoo! [grrr] Hey! [grrr] What!! Check it out, hey, it’s the fat and the furious. [laughter] I didn’t even wait, man. [rrrrrr] I got rid of that car, man. I traded it in and got myself a big old SUV. It was nice for a while. This car freakin’ sucked on mileage. I got 11 miles to the gallon. Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in a car that kills gas like I kill tacos, you can’t. [laughter] You can’t be at the stoplight trying to intimidate other cars, What? What, what, what? [rrrrrrrrr] Twenty bucks right there. Hell, no. But it was kind of cool. It had a GPS navigational system in it. An OnStar which is really cool. I’m driving, and all of a sudden this girl’s talking to me, [ping] (pleasant female voice) Right turn, up ahead. Whoa. [ping] At three quarter tenth of a mile, left turn. And I’m, like, Whatever you say, baby. Being a big guy, I’ve noticed that people feel compelled to tell me certain things after shows. I get people that’ll pull me aside and go, Gabriel, you’re a very funny guy, you’re very talented, don’t you think, perhaps, you’re living a little excess in life? And I’m like, Well, I love to eat. Well, don’t you want to live to be a hundred? Well, not if I can’t eat tacos. Or as many as I want. A lot of people think that just because you work out and lift weights, and you eat right and you do what people tell you to do, that you’ll live a long life. Maybe you will, but, you know, why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were? I’ll measure by freakin’– you know what I mean? [cheering, whistling] What good is it to live to be a hundred but you didn’t do anything? You didn’t go out and kick it with friends, go out and get drunk at some club and wake up in an alley at one time? You know? What good is it? You stayed in the house and you were safe. And I lived to be a hundred. You know, I don’t know. That’s why, I, um, I have a very big amount of respect for the crocodile hunter, rest in peace, but, come on, you guys, yeah, he died at 44 years old, but, he died doing what he loves to do. Not a lot of people can say that. If I die tomorrow from overeating, hoo-hoo, God bless me, that’s exactly how it was supposed to be. [cheering] You know how much adrenaline he had? Every single day, risking his life, you know how you feel when you’re about to cross the street and a car– [rrrrrr] and your ass almost gets hit, and you’re like– [screech] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! and then you’re hysterical. [high-pitched laughter] Oh, my God! I almost died. [laughs] Touch me. Touch me right here. Oh, my– And the rest of the day, you appreciate life, looking at the birds or the sky, [sings] You’re loving life. He did that every day. That’s why every day I try to live just a little bit of my life like I might not be here tomorrow. ‘Cause you never know. I don’t wanna die tomorrow knowing I coulda had a piece of cake tonight. Sure. That’s why people tell me Why don’t you work out? Why don’t you lift weights? What if I’m gonna die tomorrow? I don’t want to die sore. I wanna die full. When the coroner cuts me up, I want the whole room to smell like potato wedges. [laughter] And he’s gonna go, This guy knew how to live, right here, man. Good times. But again, the crocodile hunter, I give him a lot of love, a lot of credit but people go, [high-pitched] It’s such a loss to the nature community, you know, he taught us so much about nature. And I got mad when I heard this lady on TV saying that he taught us a lot about nature and it was, like, No, he didn’t really teach a lot about nature, if you want to learn about nature, you watch Discovery channel or one of these nature programs where they have a guy on safari and he’s studying from afar. Crocodile hunter, no. Come on, every episode, [imitates Steve Irwin] Hey, how you doin’? Look over there, right there. It’s a “toiger.” That toiger weighs 800 pounds and it could kill a man in 10 seconds. I’m gonna touch it. [laughter] Hi, tiger. [grrr] Ow, he’s angry! He’s angry. Next episode, There’s a king cobra, the most venomous snake in all the planet. One “boite” and I’m dead. I’m gonna pick it up. [laughter] [hissing] He’s angry! If he really wanted people to think he was out there, man, America, we should’ve borrowed him, and sent him to Iraq. With no gun, just a camera crew. Do you imagine how bad that woulda freaked out the enemy? You’re a freakin’ soldier working for Al-Qaeda and you’re out there, you know, [imitates Iraq accent, unintelligible] And he’s walking toward him wearing shorts, [laughter] [imitates Iraqi accent, unintelligible] Crikey! [Iraqi accent] What is crikey? What the hell is crikey? And he’s walking up to him, Hey! Look over there, It’s an Al-Qaeda member. An Iraqi soldier, one of the most dangerous creatures in all the planet. One push of a button and I’m gone! I’m gonna poke him with a stick. [scream] He’s angry! [laughter] I think he’s still angry. Yeah, man, this country, I love living here in the United States. I can’t think of anywhere else l’d want to live. Some people say, Well, you’re Mexican. Wouldn’t you rather live in Mexico? [whistles, shouts] Uh–[laughs]. I love Mexico, just visiting, just visiting. I like it right here. That’s why it kind of bothers me whenever people go, (female voice) What is it like being a Latino comedian? I go, I don’t know, I’m a comedian who happens to be Latino. (female voice) What’s the difference? The difference is my special will air on Comedy Central, not Telemundo. [cheering]     It’s hard, you guys, you know. Lo español. You speak a little Spanish, it freaks people out. (female) Oh my God, he’s speaking Spanish. Don’t get me wrong, I like watching Spanish programming myself. Some of the stuff is really cool. My favorite thing are the commercials because they’re always about sex. You don’t even know what the product is until like the last two seconds. It’s always some model walking out all sexy, [rhythmic music beat] [sexy female voice] Hola. [rhythmic music beat] [sucks in air] Ay, què rico. [laughter] And on the 28th second, [shout and short gasp] Pepsi. And you’re sitting there, going, I gotta go get a Pepsi. Oh ho yeah! [laughs] Oh my God! I have a thing for soda, I love it, man. I know they gave me water but– (female voice) Oh, a soda! I didn’t even see that right there. Excuse me, un momento. [laughter] Pepsi. [laughter] No, that’s actually diet, which is cool. I’m not on a diet, and it’s funny because people go, Why then do you drink diet soda? So I can eat regular cake. I love cake, man, are you kidding? By the way, I wanna thank the three people who brought me a cake personally. I have them in the back. I really appreciate it. That was very nice of you. The management and the promoters are freaking out there, like, Gabriel, why do they all bring you cake? I go, Because on TV I talked about one time how much I love cake. And so people bring it. My friend Mondo got mad, He’s, like, [Mexican male accent] Why don’t you talk about hookers? Somebody asked me earlier too, they said, Gabriel, when you get to do your special, are you gonna do anything about the country, are you gonna talk about politics? Well, I’m gonna talk first of all about how I love this country, and I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else. I know that half the world right now thinks that our leader is the devil and most of us would agree. [laughter] He’s not–yeah. I don’t have to make fun of the president. He does it by himself. Okay? [whistling, clapping] He does it by himself. Every time he comes on TV, I can’t wait to hear what he has to say. Especially during press conferences, (high-pitched female voice) Mr. President. Question. It’s been over a year. What is your plan for Katrina? [imitates Bush’s voice] Ha! We’re gonna find her. [laughter] That’s right. And we’re gonna bring Katrina to justice. We have every reason to believe Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda. Qaeda, Katrina, they both start with a “k.” Our president got elected. I didn’t vote for him, but then again, I didn’t vote for the other guy either. I was just, like–. How Bush won is beyond me. Americans, we love to vote but we don’t vote for Presidents. We vote for things like American Idol. Because that’s fun. Voting for presidents is not fun. Voting for American– Shebang! Shebang! That’s what they should do for presidents. Just put both guys on TV for one hour, call it something catchy like “Who’s Gonna Run This Bitch?” You put ’em on TV for an hour, let ’em argue 30 minutes into the special, you put an 800 number on the screen, and say “Cast Your Vote.” [phone rings, click] You’ve reached the presidential hotline. For George Bush, press three. John Kerry, press four. Other options, press five. You don’t like either one? Press five. [beep] Please hold. [high-pitched voice hums U.S. national anthem] [rings and clicks] [imitates Clinton] [chuckles] I knew you’d be back. That’s right. You know you miss your daddy. Oh, yeah. I’m such a dork. I don’t care. But I have fun though. One thing you guys definitely made possible is I have the ability now to travel and I never did that. I never used to travel until I became a comedian. I’m, like, Oh my God, there’s a whole other world out there. When I was hanging out in Florida, I got a chance to experience an amusement park that was a little different. It was an alternative park called Gatorland. It’s a real park, and I’ve met the owners and they’re really cool people but I gotta tell you : best part about this amusement park is they have a recording the funniest thing I’ve ever heard. You call this park, this is what you hear. [phone rings and clicks] (male voice, Southern accent) Yeehaw! You’ve reached Gatorland, America’s premier gator extravaganza. You’ve seen ’em on TV, now come and see ’em live. Gatorland. You’re gonna love this park. Then he says this: Fer Spanish, press two. [laughter] Oh. I gotta hear this. [beep] I don’t speak Spanish but you’re gonna love this park. I was dyin’! I called him like ten times. Aw, it’s the best. I’m starting to sweat a little bit, huh. Too sexy, arrr. I don’t care though, I have a lot of fun, you guys. You guys have made a lot of things possible. At the beginning, when I first started, coming here to Bakersfield, to the Fox Theater, I used to go to this taco place, up the way called Taco Loco— [cheering and whistling] And it’s still there. I love food on wheels, you know. But this taco place has taken it to the next level. They’re really really good there, they’re not paying me nothing, I’m just talking about ’em, but I go to order and these guys were kinda, you know– the girls were cool but the guys were mean. I try to order some food, I’m like– [thuds] Hello? And the guy is like, Què pasò, gordo wha’ you want? Wha’ you want?? Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos, chicken and a Coke? Okay. What else? [laughter] That’s it. Tsk, awww. Whatever, dude. But we had a lot of fun. We got to promote on a lot of different radio stations here in town to get the word out to you guys about the show. They try to get me set up on the Spanish radio stations and I’ve done that in the past and it was okay. But the last few times I had to say no because they put me on the radio with a guy who’s like “from” Mexico. And I can speak Spanish but you put me up against somebody from the Motherland, hoo! I walk in the studio, I’m dealing with this one guy, right? We go on the air and he’s like [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Que paso! que paso! que paso! I meet that same guy in the hallway, he sounded just like that. Oh, hey, how’s it goin’? Que paso?! Are we on the air? No!! Why are you talking like that? Porque si!! And I freaked out ’cause you imagine this guy goes home talking like that to his wife and his kids? Come two, three o’clock in the morning, his wife maybe wants to do a little “something” and she tells her man, [female Mexican accent] Honey, tonight, when the kids are sleeping, what are you going to do to me? Que me vas a hacer? [speaks rapid-fire Spanish] Quitarte los calzones para ver ese cuuulote! Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [whoosh] Si. [unintelligible] està presentado por Pepsi! Sì [whoosh]. I know somebody who doesn’t speak Spanish is gonna go home and try it tonight. Sì. [whoosh] (high-pitched female] You better stop that. Sì. [whoosh]. Just have a little fun. Like I said, you guys, I wasn’t sure what was gonna happen. A lot of things have been happening over the years. This past year I had the opportunity to be on a reality show and things kind of worked out a little weird. Well, but hey, all I can say is the winner is the winner, and he did what he did, and he got what he got. But hey, this ain’t bad for sixth place, is it? Huh? [cheers and whistling] Yeah, I’m not the last comic standing, but I’m the only one with a Comedy Central Special. [laughs]. I know my mom is here tonight. She’s like– [speaks Spanish]. I love my mom. She’s over here, you guys. Just say hi to her. Mom. [cheering and clapping] Right there. That little woman made me. And she tells everybody, (high-pitched female) No, he came out of here. Ay, hombre, this is the road to success. She is not shy. She cracks me up though, man. She likes what I do because it’s working, but she still doesn’t get the jokes. It’s not that she doesn’t speak English, ’cause she speaks perfect English. She just doesn’t see me as a comedian. She sees me as her son. I can’t tell her a joke ’cause then she questions it and kills it. I could tell her something, like, Mom, why did the chicken cross the road? And I’ll get, (high-pitched female) Who let out the chicken? It’s a joke. It’s no joke, baboso, you know how much I pay for those chickens? Never mind. No, you never mind. It’s cool, though, man. She’s seen me do a lot of things. A lot of people say, well, you gave your mom a shot, what about your dad? Well, he’s not in the picture. My father, um, ha, let’s put some beans out there, my father was a mariachi. Way–I swear to God–he was one of those straight-up you know, [ra-ta-ta-ta] And my mom hooked up with him about 30-plus years ago one night, and nine months later, tan-tan, and I came out– [laughter] So I have a vague memory of my father. I knew him until I was about maybe four years old. And then apparently they got the band back together and he took off. [laughter] I don’t remember exactly what he looks like, and sometimes I’ll take my mom out to dinner and I’ll go, Mom, I don’t mean to bug you about this, what does he look like? Do you have any photos I can get and idea and stuff? And my mom, she’s funny, she grabs a hot sauce. [high-pitched female] He looks like that. That’s funny, verdad? Eso està funny, verdad? [laughs and screeches] He look just like that. For those of you that don’t know, there’s a picture of a mariachi on the bottle of hot sauce. So, yeah, we’re doing okay. Somebody asked me, they say, Well, on your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours named Felipe. ls he a real person? He is a real person. And he’s an old friend. Known him forever. But he’s one of these comedians who doesn’t know when to stop being funny. And that’s why it’s hard sometimes to hang out with the guy, ’cause you know, I know when to quit. Especially around cops, when I hear [gun cocks] the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend didn’t know when to draw the line and we were hanging out one day and sure enough a freakin’ cop got mad, (deep male voice) Oh, you think it’s real funny, huh? You think it’s easy to be a police officer? You see that scar? I got stabbed in ’92. See that? Bullet wound, ’96. What do you got to say about that? And I was, like, I have nothin’ to say about that. And my friend, Felipe, is, like, Oh, yeah? What are you doin’? Fool, watch this. [screech] What are you doin’? He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop, Fool, you see those stretch marks? Doughnuts, 1996. I said, Dude, he’s gonna kill us. I know, fool, but it was funny, huh? And speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright? Don’t get ahead of me, watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right but I wasn’t paying attention ’cause I had a box, I was, like, [gasp] Oh, you’re gonna get it when you get home! Oh, you’ve been so bad. So–[female screech] you’re gonna get it. I’m not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right? [rrr] Sure enough– [siren] [shout] Ohhh! I pull over. [rrr and screech] Mm. Later. [ba-ba-ba] I’m sitting there patiently waiting and the cop is taking forever. I said, The hell with this, he’s taking too long. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right? And–[mmmm] [lascivious chuckle] [mmm] [high-pitched screeches] Oh, I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right? [deep male voice] You know why I stopped you? It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, ‘Cause you can smell it. Oh, he was dying, [deep male] Son of a bitch! Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance. This past year, I got to experience something else. I experienced my first Raiders game. [loud cheering, clapping, booing] Now, uh– hey, listen you guys, it takes a lot of nerve for me to say that after the season that happened last year that I’m a fan. And I became a fan last year. [cheering and whistling] You can hate it if you want, but you know what? Not only did I become a fan, I did a show in Oakland. And I made a couple of jokes and references about the team. And apparently there were two players in the audience. I didn’t know that. Maybe that’s why they lost. They shoulda been at home, practicing. But there were two there. And they confronted me outside. They were big guys like so, You got a problem with the Raiders, son? I’m, like, [screech] They grabbed me, picked me up, and pinned me against the wall. Oh, my God. Luckily, they fumbled me and I got away. And people go, How do you come up with your material, Gabriel? How do you come up with the things you’re gonna say? Things happen to me and then instead of just going to a shrink, I suck it up and I come up here like when I did the joke about the freakin’ Volkswagen, I really used to own a Volkswagen. I didn’t just go, Let me see if this is funny. I had a Volkswagen. No, I lived it. People go, Why do you wear Hawaiian shirts? I’ve always worn Hawaiian shirts. Bottom line is simple. Why do I wear ’em? ‘Cause they fit. They’re colorful, and I’m sorry– When you wear a Hawaiian shirt and you’re living in the ghetto, people don’t think you’re up to no good. You’re not a gang member wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Nobody’s gonna take you serious, you know? [deep black male] Where you from? [male Hawaiian accent] Oh, Honolulu, eh. [laughter] You can’t be hard and colorful. [laughs] Uh-uh. No way, man. And believe me, I’ve had my encounters. I had a little encounter one time on a plane. Some guy was getting a little weird, and I’m like, Uh-uh, no more for me. Every time I get on a plane, there’s always drama. Always. One time I’m flying to Florida and our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh. The plane drops 600 feet [whoosh] straight down. That was better than any ride you’ve ever been on. I don’t care who you are, you could’ve been freakin’ doin’ 20 years in prison, you killed a hundred people, you can be the baddest toughest dude ever. When you’re in a plane and it just drops out of the sky, [gasps] Woo! I was gay for five seconds. I’m not gonna lie! [screeches] [weeping] [screech] Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican, yes, I was. I was in touch with myself. It was funny, man. Before I go, I got one more good story to tell you. I took a road trip about a year ago after I got rid of the Beetle in the SUV. Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who was in the car. I’m driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun. He’s another Fluffy guy, we call him Sexy Bitch. Well, I don’t call him that, his wife calls him that. [high-pitched Mexican female] He’s a sexy bitch! Anyway, in the back seat I got my friend, Martin. Next to him is my friend, Felipe. So we take off– [rrr] we’re on the 10 freeway, we’re passing all these Indian casinos– [rrr] [whoops Indian style]. Sorry, we’re stupid like that. Anyway, all of a sudden all these cars start passing me. [rrr rrr rrr] I’m getting annoyed ’cause I’m driving a [loud truck horn]. I said, Next car that tries to pass me, I’m not gonna let ’em. So I’m looking in the rear view mirror, waiting, looking, waiting, waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoochies in it. Some of you guys are going, How do you know they’re hoochies? ‘Cause my friend Martin was in the back seat going, I feel a disturbance in the force. They try to go around and I cut ’em off. [rrr] [high-pitched laughter] I’m having fun, they’re back there– [light honk]. Whatever! [truck honk] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me, [male Mexican accent] Fool, what are you doing? Dude, don’t worry, I’m having fun. Gabriel, you’re gonna get pulled over. Dude, I’m okay, it’s cool. We’re arguing, going back and forth, I’m not paying attention. I don’t see a California highway patrol officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear–[siren]. I look at the speedometer: one oh two. [audience ohhhs] Oh, I freaked out. [screeches]. I pulled over. [rrrrrrr] [braking sound] [psssssst] The little car that was behind me with the two hoochies, they got pulled over because they were going just as fast, [rrr and squeak] [laughter] I’m in the front seat of my car, freakin’ out. Oh my God, I’m gonna go to jail. I’m on the verge of tears. From the back seat, I hear my friend Felipe– Fool, what are you cryin’ for? What are you cryin’ for, fool? You’re not the one with weed in his pocket, are you? You have drugs in the car? I told you to slow down, didn’t l? But no! Picachu knows everything. Shoot! Everybody roll down your windows. [frrr frrr] Air out the car. Mondo, fart. Do something, man. The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, he’s, like, Hey, I know you, you’re a comedian. Yeah, you’re that guy from Comedy Central. You’re the guy that does that joke about his friend at a hotel and you crank-call him and you call him a dirty Mexican, and then you go “But it was funny, huh?” Oh, I love that joke. That one and when you go, [high-pitched female] Chocolate cake! Ohh, I love that joke! I hate to do this to you but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration. Okay, here you go. Here you go. So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, the whole time he’s back there, I tell everybody in the car, Check it out! He just recognized me from TV! Maybe if we have some fun with him, crack some jokes, maybe he won’t take the car. I don’t care if I get a ticket, but as long as he doesn’t take the car. Mondo, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe. [deep voice] What, fool? Shut the hell up! So the cop comes back to the car, What the hell were you doing out there? Before I could think of something funny to say, from the back seat I hear, “Fool, he was testing the suspension.” Oh, my God. This pothead’s gonna get me arrested. Officer, I’m sorry, that’s my friend, Felipe, that’s the guy from the special, the guy who says “But it was funny, huh?” He’s just trying to get me in trouble. I’m really sorry. Whatever. So he goes back to his squad car with my driver’s license, and he’s swiping it in a computer. The whole time he’s doing that, he’s being yelled at from the back seat of my car. Hey, officer, thank God you have a computer! Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a Rolodex. The cop starts dying. [laughs with screech] I go, Oh, we got him going, we got him going. I told my buddy Mondo, Give me my CDs. I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack, and I pop it in, track three is the theme song to Cops. I tell my friend, Felipe, Tell me when the cop starts walking. Okay, fool, here he comes. I crank that song as loud as I could. [static and beep] Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you, what you gonna do. [imitates beat music] Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat. [beat music] Even better than that, the two hoochies in the car can hear the music and they’re freakin’ out. They’re, like, [high-pitched] Oh my God, we’re gonna be on TV! The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. [rrrrr] Looks at our car and at this point, we’re halfway through the song, we’re, like, [sings reggae] ♫ Police no give Me no break ♫ [unintelligible] Got our arms out the window like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway, dying. [screech and laugh] He walks over to the window and he’s like, Shut it off! [screech] [click] Yes, sir. Hands me my license and the registration, and he tells me, Gabriel, I want you to do me a big favor, I want you to keep this tank under a hundred. You think you can do that? Uh-huh. Do that for me, keep on doing what you do, and you have yourself a nice day. But, but, that’s it? No ticket? No ticket. I don’t know what possessed me to look at this man and go, Why? [laughter] How come the girls got a ticket? And he tells me the coolest thing, he says, ‘Cause they couldn’t make me laugh. [laughter] [cheering] Woo-whee! You don’t understand, Gabriel, I’ve been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down the funniest damn traffic stop I’ve ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to Cops? I damn near pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going in the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer, I swear to God. The only story better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him doughnuts. So he starts walking away, and just as I’m about to start the car, So does that mean I can keep my weed? [laughter] I turn around to yell at my friend, Too late, the cop is at the window, You wanna run that by me again, son? You heard what I said, fool. Oh, you think this a big joke, don’t you? You think that just because I gave your buddy here a break, I know who he is, I like what he does, I don’t know you, I don’t like you. Step out of the car. I turn around and my friend Felipe is, like, Whooo. I am so scared. And the cop pulls out his gun, [cocks gun] I’m freakin’ out, Oh my God! Back seat, my friend, Felipe: Whooo. Whooo. I am so scared. Fool, he is good. He is good. Then he points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe’s face, [gasp] [whispers] Priceless! Are you serious? Are you serious? I’m a-go to jail? The cop was like [cocks gun]– Nah, but that was funny, huh? I love you, Bakersfield! Thank you! [curtain music] (Martin) We’re gonna bring Gabriel back out to answer some questions for you. You guys wanna bring Gabriel back out? [wild cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, coming back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias. Thank you, Martin. You pulled it off bro, congratulations. I needed that the first time I– well, never mind. They want to ask you some questions, uh, Who we got first? This is a little different something we decided to do because there’s gonna be a DVD release with special features we figured why not, sometimes people do things and sometimes people wanna know information and rather than go on the Internet, you can ask the source. So, here’s you guys’ opportunity, anything you guys wanna ask me, go for it. What’s your name, homey? My name is Danny. Where you from? Visalia, California. Visalia in the house! Go ahead, Danny. This past summer I got on a rollercoaster, when I sat down, it went click, click, click. How many’d you get? Dude, I’m beyond clicks now. I don’t even get on. Like six years ago, bro, I could still go to Disneyland, and lean on–[grrr]. Now, I’m older, I hang out by the strollers. What’s your question, Patricia? How does your family feel about your success? Um, some of the family thinks that I’m doing pretty good. My mom is happy ’cause she’s got a car and it’s paid for. [laughter] There are some members of the family that think I’ve gone Hollywood, and I’m like, Okay. Some of the family members are really cool about it, and some are just kinda you know, hmmm. I love them all, but, you know, hey, whatever. Not everybody can get a check. [laughter] Hey, how you doin’? What’s your name? (Gabriel) JuIia! I know JuIia. You guys go back, eh? Way back. Like that? Like that. My question is to you, I know you’re making fun of me for having the runs and going to pee, and I know you have a girlfriend, I saw her, very pretty, but will you please marry me, my fluffy bunny? [audience goes oh!] “Fluffy bunny?” Wow. Girl, my girlfriend’s gonna jump you and my mom’s gonna help. Take one for the team. Thank you, though. Bye, now. Woo! [screech] Juan, Mexican name. Yeah. Què pasò. How you doin’, bro? Who’s your favorite stand-up and have you ever met him? My favorite stand-up comic, Robin Williams, and I met him last year. [audience cheers] Yeah. Thank you, man. What I was curious about is how you come up with your material. How do I come up with material? Uh, some people have writers, some comics are writers, I don’t know how to sit down and come up with funny stuff and then come out here and try to perform it. I usually react to things that are happening, like people getting up, walking to the bathroom, baboso. And it’s still the same guy, too. Things happen to me on a daily basis, and I find a way to make them funny, like, for example, sometimes at night, when I go to a drive-thru and they mess me up, I like to go back in line again, and mess with them. Like when they come on the speaker, Welcome to McDonaId’.s, how can I help you? I’ll just start messing with them. I’ll do like a girl voice and go, Oh my God, hi! [laughs] You don’t just write that, it’s kind of a spur of the moment type of thing. Then I come up here and tell the story. Everything you hear me talk about on the shows is usually a real story. How are you handling success? How am I handling it? I’ll let you know when this airs. I’ll let you know when the DVDs come out to see if I hang [unintelligible]. Honestly, bro, I don’t know how you would say how you’re handling it, I don’t forget where I’m from, that’s exactly why I wanted to do the special here because it was a– 1 0 years later type of thing. I still have my original best friend from way back in the day when I didn’t have comedy. When I would go spend Christmas at his house. And I have people that love me and care about me whether this happens or doesn’t happen. My brother will still let me sleep on his porch. So, it’s going good, man. Stay true to your roots. Thank you, bro. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a guy by the name of Fast Freddy. Fast Freddy has been coming out to see my shows for what, a good three, four years? 2000 you opened up for Weird Al Yankovic in San Diego. What year was that? Two thousand. So for six years, you have successfully stalked me. [laughter] [high-pitched cries] And made it to the special. This guy right here, is one of the greatest fans any entertainer could ever ask for. And he’s just been a really really nice guy. We did a show in Denver, Colorado, and he had his entire family reunion come to the show. And any time I said his name, they’re like, [screeches] But no, honestly dude, I appreciate your coming out tonight, and I’m gonna see to it you come out on the DVD, and you can burn it, make copies and give it to your friends and sell it at the Swap-Meet. But I really appreciate you and your wife always coming out to the shows. Man, you’ve shown a lot of love and I appreciate you showin’ the Hawaiian shirt. Oh, yeah. But what’s your question, bro? You’ve been all over the nation, performing. Where have been some of your favorite places to perform? I don’t wanna kiss butt but mmm, one of them. [wild cheering] Yeah. Uh, some favorite places have been like, um, Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas, Houston, Texas, uh, Florida, all over Florida. Miami. New York. I’ve had a lot of fun places. One of the most interesting was in Canada. I performed for Canadians. Eh. They say “eh” more than gang members. How you doin’, eh? Orale, eh. I love performing everywhere. There are some places that l’d rather not go back, I won’t mention them in case they sell the CD and DVD there. What’s your name? Salvador. Salvador! It’s like a soap opera name. (girl voice) ¿ Donde vas? ¿Quièn eres? (male voice) Salvador. Just messin’ with you, bro. My question is, what’s your mom’s favorite dish that she taught you how to make or not? My mom’s favorite dish, that she would cook? Yeah. Uh, Jack I n the Box. Drive-thru. See, my mom, yeah, she’s Mexican, but she ole school Mexican, she didn’t even wanna cook. When I was a little kid, my mom would go play bingo, she still plays it and she’d come home at like one o’clock at night, and I’m like Mom, I’m hungry. (female Mexican accent) Let’s go. We’d go hit a Jack in the Box and it became a routine. When I was a little kid, I used to be like this, then, years later, Jack in the Box. Mom, what’s your favorite dish? Tamales! Oh, she’s getting mad, [imitates] Tamales! [laughter] Yeah, ’cause she’d make ’em once a year for Christmas and make me cook ’em with her, I’m tying the pinche tamales, I’m holding– [high-pitched] Amàrralos! I couldn’t take a bath because there’s a bunch of freakin’ corn husks in the tub because she’s letting them soak. I smell like culo but she don’t care. [high-pitched] I have to make tamales! Hey, Nick, what’s your question? What’s your favorite joke? What is my favorite joke? Oh, that’s a good question. Donkey! I know it’s not exactly a joke but it makes me laugh every time I say it. Hey! I actually told a joke, it’s not even a clean joke, my very first joke that I told, when I was 1 0 years old, I did a show at my elementary school, I went up on stage and I said this, I said, [unintelligible] I said, Why did the chicken cross the road? And the whole crowd said, Why? And I said, To check out the chicks. My name is Philip. It’s not really a question, I just wanna say thanks, I’m just out of the Marine Corp and I’ll tell you what, man, you brought a lot of laughter to us out there. [inaudible] So I just want to say thanks to you. [unintelligible] You kept us alive through some rough times. So thanks a lot, brother. [chuckles] I appreciate it, man. I’m glad you could make it here, bro. Huh? Tacos, later, what’s up? For Philip and everybody in the Marines, guys, let them hear it. All the troops!     [wild clapping and cheering] Go ahead, man. Go ahead. Go ahead. [unintelligible] Ven p’acà. Get to the mike, pendejo. Come here. All night you wanna say something, now is your chance. You wanna scream. Ven p’acà. What have you been drinking all night? [unintelligible]? Budweiserrr. Bud Liiites. He even says it with an accent, huh? Budweiserrr! Bud Liiite! That’s the way you do it. That’s the way they allll do it. What’s your question? Where’s afterward? Last time I was here, we were told you were gonna be in one place and you were at another. I wanna take it from you. What are you asking? Where am I gonna be next? Where we all gonna go? After hours? Fuckin’ Denny’s. [unintelligible] East side? Hey. Hey. East side, north side, west side? south side? [unintelligible]. What’d you say? East side, north side, south side? Cabron, it’s cold, we’re gonna stay inside. I don’t know which one is that. Alright, I guess that’s it, you guys. Hey, listen, I really cannot express how touched I am that you guys sold out two shows tonight, here at the very first place where I started. [wild cheering] This special is gonna air on Comedy Central either June or July and you guys can say you were part of it, and hopefully it looks really nice on TV. Maybe they’ll cut off a pound or two. We’ll definitely be back here, give us about another year and we’ll be back to do it again, and I love you guys, thank you for showing love. Have a good night! Thank you! Captioned by Blue 105 www.blue105.com (male presenter) Ladies and gentlemen, live from the Fox Theater in beautiful downtown Bakersfield, put your hands together, show your love for Martin Moreno! [cheering and shouting] Woo! Bakersfield! How are you guys feeling tonight? [loud cheering] We got a packed house, thank you for coming out, thank you very much for the Latinos in the house. Muchas gracias. Where you at, Rosa? We got enough Latinos in here to start a march. That’s beautiful. Where’s the white people? Make some noise, white people! [loud cheering and shouting] Wow. We are not marching anywhere. [laughter] Get back to work! Where’s the black folks? Make some noise, black folks! [a few voices] [audience laughs] Alright, two! Well, that’s all we need to keep the white people distracted from the Latinos in the house. I love black folks. Black guys have got to be the coolest men on the planet. You know that? That’s right. I’ll tell you right now. A black guy could punk a white guy into some fashion. [laughter] A black guy could show up wearing a clown suit talking shit, it’s a clown suit, bitches! Honk honk, that’s my cell phone, n i g g a. [laughter] There’d be a white guy behind him, Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit. They are cool. Latinos, we got it all twisted. We thought hard work was gonna do the trick. It’s hard work being Latino, right? You gotta sneak in through the desert, get a job without an I D, learn how to speak English. Black folks tried hard work for 200 years, you see where that shit got them. A boat showed up to Africa, it was a messed-up trip but a boat showed up. Can you imagine if a boat showed up in Mexico? Latinos would be running each other over, trying to get on. Vamonos, cabron, call your tio, it’s free, let’s go! Shit, you think we fit a lot of people in a car? Mess around and give us a boat? We’ll have people hanging from that anchor, Take me too! Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit. It looks like we got a lot of couples in the house. Couples, where you at? Make some noise, couples. [much shouting] Wow. Better you than me. I was married one time, had a traditional Latino Catholic wedding. Very traditional. My girlfriend was pregnant. [laughter] My son was the best man. It was traditional. I’m not doing it again though. And I knew marriage wasn’t for me, because at the wedding they were throwing minute rice. I knew it wasn’t gonna last, right? And my favorite part out of the whole wedding thing was the bachelor party. Are you kidding? Free beers, free lapdances, that’s a good time, right? Because strip clubs are expensive when you gotta pay, right? You got a big ol’ cover charge, you get all mad, I shoulda brought the VIP tickets I got last week. You walk in, beers are eight bucks, lapdances are 25 bucks, and then they trick you, two for one, two for one, but then the song’s over in one minute. What the hell is that? Who’s doing the music here? DJ ComeQuick? This is bullshit. It’s horrible. That is why I like strip clubs in Mexico. That is the shit right there. [cheering] And if you haven’t gone, you owe it to yourselves to take a vacation, just to check it out. [light laughter] Everybody is welcome in the Mexican strip club. You got your wife, you got your kids, come on in, they don’t care. First of all, there’.s no cover charge. There’s a midget about that big, just recruiting people. He’s got horns, whistles, make it look like a carnival. Come on in! You walk in, no cover charge. Two-dollar beers. One-dollar shooters. Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every lapdance has a happy ending. That is good times. You have got to be carefuI at the Mexican strip clubs. The girls look young. They’re legal, but they’re barely legal. It’s like it’s gonna be midnight and they’re like seventeen and a half. It’s like, alright. It’s like a New Year’s countdown. Five, four, three, two, hit the pole, baby, you’re legal. I’m telling you, one of these girls didn’t even have high heels. She had tennis shoes. She was dancing, little lights were coming on in the back. I’m Martin Moreno, you guys have been a lot of fun. Thank you very much. [audience cheers] Thank you! Coming to the stage, a very very funny man, you might have seen him at Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival. Please a big hand, M r. Noe Gonzalez. [cheering] [inaudible] Alright. Alright. Alright, I’m five foot three, fuck it, how you doin’ everybody? [shouts] Alright. There’s advantages to being short, right? Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick. Two Bud Lites, I’m gone. [laughter] There’s advantages. I could stand under a table when there’s an earthquake. I could just stand there. You guys good over there? Yeah, I’m good over here. The bathroom of the airplane, I fit in there. Tall people, you don’t fit in there, huh? Your knees are hittin’ the door like that. Not me, that’s like my living room, man. I’m like woo! This flight is takin’ forever. Let me wash my hands real quick. One thing that sucks is that people always know what I am for Halloween. Tall people, you can fool your friends. You show up to the party, everybody’s like, Who’s Batman over there? I don’t know, but there’s Noe right there. Last year I dressed up as King Kong. My friends came up to me, Hey, you’re Curious George, huh, bro? Come here! So I was just watching the movie of exorcism of Emily Rose. Have you seen that movie? That’s a scary movie, man, because the devil could just pop into you at any time. I didn’t know he could do that. You know, she was just walking down the street, How you doin’? [groans] That guy stayed with her, (deep male voice) Honey, I love you, I don’t care! [groan] And then his friends would get mad, he would take her to parties, Hey dude, your chick is triping by the punchbowl, look. [laughter] Nobody wants to drink punch, bro, take her home. (deep male voice) Come on, honey, let’s get out of here. Only white people get possessed by the devil. I’ve seen the first two Exorcists movies, guys. Latinos, we don’t get possessed by the devil because our moms would beat the shit out of the devil. Our mom with el diablo, [speaks Spanish angrily]. Traeme el tapatio, con el tapatìo se sale el diablo. Con el tapatio– Hijo de la chingada! [unintelligible]. Speaking of the devil, I just broke up with my girlfriend. Sorry about that. It was hard, man, because she had cable. [laughter] Man, she has N FL Preview, maybe I should wait till February. We’re always fighting. We got in a fight at six flags. We were right there in line for Superman, the ride. And there was these cholos in front of us, playing around with water guns, just shooting each other. They’re [psh psh] Go Raiders, hey! [psh psh] [laughter] And some water started splashing backward, right? She says, I’m getting wet, do something! And I saw they were cholos, you know what I mean? So I was, like, Take it, bitch! [laughter] We just got us splashed, you got drenched, you didn’t say nothing! Now you want me to go do something? She says, Fine, if I get wet again, I’m gonna go do something. I go, Oh, shit. So an hour goes by, and the cholos they start playing around with the water guns– [psh psh] and she got wet again, (female voice) That’s it! She ran over there, she had a full Coke. And she threw it on the cholos, You like getting wet, huh? You like getting wet? You like getting wet? I’m running behind her going, No!! [laughter] The cholos were standing there, all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky, Then they looked at me, Hey, bro, control your bitch! I was, like, Whoa. See? I told you you were a bitch. Didn’t I tell you–? Hey, bro, I’m not even with her, dog. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I can’t even get on the rides. Go, Raiders. So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago. All my friends pitched in, they gave me a Harley Davidson for my birthday. It sucked because I couldn’t reach it. I took it back, tried to get it custom-sized, they gave me a Moped. Moped sucks, they have like no power. I couldn’t go over a speed bump– [imitates small motor] So I just got a little dog. I haven’t named it yet. I like the way white people name their pets. You name them after real people, like, this is my dog, Benjamin. Hi, Benji. Latinos we don’t really care what we name our pet, we’ll name it after any object. I went over my cousin’s house, he says I brought a neat dog. He’s right over there. Fierro! [laughter] Black people, they always get big old tough dogs. A pit bull, [barks]. I’ve never seen a black guy with a cat. [laughter] I’ve never seen a black guy in the trees, looking for his cat, (deep black male voice) Where you are, kitty, kitty! Come on, motherfucker, we goin’ for a walk, bitch! Where’s my kitty? Come on, kitty, kitty?! Here, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh, kitty, kitty. [laughter] You guys have been a lot of fun! Thank you very much, guys! Have a good time tonight, guys! Have a good time. Coming to the stage, a very funny man, please put your hands together for M r. Armando Cosio. Thank you. Hey, what’s up? Hey, how you doin’? I know, some of you are looking at me, saying, Hey, didn’t they kill him last week? [laughter] That’s Saddam, man, that’s him. They hung ‘im. Yeah, well, the rope broke. Some of you guys are saying, That guy should work out. Should jog after the ice cream man. That’s what my old lady says. You should jog after the ice cream man. I go, Ha ha, real funny. You know I can’t jog after the ice cream man. He parks in front of the house. [laughter] On purpose. He’s right there, Hey, the gordo lives right here. Go ahead, crank up the music, crank that up. Subele, subele. He’s gonna come out right now. And when he comes out, we’re gonna make them run, and we’re gonna take off. Here it comes, here it comes. Go! Go, go, go! And that’s just the guy with the pushcart and little bell on the handlebars– [pring, pring, pring]. I know how to stop them, though. But hey, Jose, I’m gonna call the green man on your ass if you don’t stop it. Okay, gordo, don’t–don’t fuck around, gordo, okay? Don’t mess around, goddamn it, you son of a bitch, hijo de tu pinche madre, ay goddamn it. I got childrens and everything so don’t fuck. I give you credit. And I’m like, Alright, man. Give me a Choco-Taco. It’s a trip, man when on hot days he’s got beer in there. This is a guy that sells ice cream to our children. I say, Hey, Jose, what the hell is the beer for? No, no, tch, tch, tch. He forgets how to speak, he just blows air. Tch, tch, tch, ahh. Tch, tch, tch. [mumbles] Hot! It is hot, goddamn it. It’s hot. I know it’s hot but you got like a case and a half in there. No, cabron, it’s not just for me. It for my friend, the elote man. The corn guy. You know the corn guy, the elote guy, yeah? [cheering] Yeah. Yeah. [cheering] Same horn, every neighborhood. [squeaking horn] [sings out] Elotes! Elotes! That guy– he parks in front of my house too. Aqui vive el gordo? No, the gordo lives right here. He lives right here. Oh, I got a special horn for him. No, not the [unintelligible]. No, no, a special horn for him. Watch, watch. [squeaky gordo, gordo, gordo] Son of a bitch. Man. And I’ve been married for 32 years, so you know how that is. Yeah. Have to role-play with her and everything. The other day we had sex dolphin-style. You guys ever try dolphin style? Okay, dolphin style is like doggy style but if you hit the wrong opening, she’s gonna go, [eee eee eee] You guys have been a lot of fun, guys, thank you very much. Orale, Bakersfield! [cheering, whistling]"
1686241524-57,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,ANTHONY JESELNIK: CALIGULA (2013) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/anthony-jeselnik-caligula-2013-full-transcript/,"Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Anthony. -MAN: Anthony. -WOMAN: Jeselnik. Jeselnik! Anthony Jeselnik. WOMEN: Anthony Jeselnik! WOMAN: Anthony Jeselnik. -Anthony Jeselnik. -MAN: Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik. Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ] I know, right? [ Laughter ] Thank you, guys. So great to be here in Chicago. I love this city. I like Chicago. Like, I respect Chicago. You know what I mean? Like, if I smoke a cigarette here in Chicago, I’m very polite, and I’ll put it out in an ashtray or a garbage can. If I was back in L.A., I would do what I would normally do and just… [ Laughter ] …flick it at a kid. [ Laughter ] I really do love this town. I actually once went on a date with a girl from Chicago. Now, this was like 10 years ago, back before I was even a comedian yet. Back then I was just a regular old piece of shit like you guys. [ Laughter ] But I’ll never forget this date, you know? We meet up at a bar. We start drinking, we start talking. We’re laughing together, we’re connecting. It was great. But then we leave the bar, we go back to her place. And as soon as we walk in the front door, she passes out cold on her couch. Now, I went to college. [ Laughter ] I knew I had a million options. [ Laughter ] But I’m a gentleman, so I did the smart thing. I just got a blanket, I tucked her in, and I left her a note that said, “You got raped.” [ Laughter ] Thank you. [ Laughter ] I feel like it’s very important, very important to open up my show with a rape joke. [ Laughter ] Just to see what kind of crowd I’m dealing with here. You guys are gonna be great. [ Laughter ] But if you were upset or you were offended in any way, please don’t worry. I’ve only got two more rape jokes… [ Laughter ] …and I’ll wait about 15 minutes. But don’t think I’m a bad person for making that joke. Don’t think I’m a bad guy for saying that. I’m a good guy. Like, I would never hit a woman, you know? I would never hit a woman, even if she had a knife or… a stutter. [ Laughter ] It’s not how I do business. In fact, I might be one of the greatest guys of all time. Like, I’ve got a kid in Africa. Yeah, I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing, you know, compared to what it cost to send him there. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] You guys are — You guys are doing great so far. I love performing in Chicago. The only weird thing about performing in Chicago, for me, is that, after all my shows, everybody just wants to do drugs with me. [ Laughter ] Like, “Anthony, that was hilarious. I got a joint on me. Let’s go smoke it.” “Hey, Jeselnik, amazing job, as usual.” [ Laughter ] “I’ve got mushrooms in my backpack. Let’s eat ’em.” And I’ve got to keep telling them the same thing I’m gonna tell you guys right now. “Hey, assholes… …I’m fucking famous. [ Laughter ] Give it to me.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know. I’m so bad with names. [ Laughter ] It’s tough. Smart crowd. When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. $10,000 in damages. But we had a great lawyer who knocked it down to criminal trespassing and necrophilia. [ Laughter ] I make a lot of jokes about death. I think it’s hilarious. [ Laughter ] My whole family’s like that, actually, you know? [ Siren wails ] This is how hard I’m fucking killing. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] My whole family’s like that, kind of, you know? In fact, well before I was even born, my great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. Police tried to say she was committing suicide, but the family knew that she was just trying to stop civil rights. [ Laughter and applause ] Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious, you know? Nobody saw me. [ Laughter ] My little sister had a baby recently. A little newborn. Kid is so cute. But she won’t let me hold him. She refuses. Says, “No way, Anthony. I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.” Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. [ Laughter ] I will get it done. [ Laughter ] And people get weird when kids die. [ Laughter ] No, that’s a fact. That’s a fact. Like, about a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, “Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” [ Laughter and applause ] I assume you guys all knew who you were coming to see tonight. But if you didn’t, you sure as shit know now. [ Laughter ] Like, one thing I’ve never understood is, like, the foot fetish. Like, are you guys together right here? Yeah? How long you guys been together? -WOMAN: Five years. -Five years. Wow. Do you ever suck on her feet? No? Would you if you had a different girlfriend? [ Laughter ] Or are you, like, across-the-board no feet? -I don’t really mind it. -You don’t really mind it? You just don’t do it to her because you have mistresses. I get it. ‘Cause I’m across-the-board no feet. I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. Her idea. And while we’re hiking, she gets bit by a snake in between two toes. And I had to suck out the poison. So she’s dead. -What’s your name? -Bridget. -Where are you from, Bridget? -The suburbs. -The suburbs? -Yes, that’s right. That sure narrows it down. [ Laughter ] -What — What do you do? -WOMAN: What? What do you do when you’re not being so fucking boring? [ Laughter ] Take your time. I’m really funny. [ Laughter ] I’m a full-time student. You’re a full-time student. Okay, what do you study? -WOMAN: Psychology. -Psychology. -Where do you go to school? -Rockford College. Rockford College? So you’re not gonna be a good psychologist. Last question, darling. Have you ever been on a blind date before? -You ever do that? -No. No? You’re lucky. I went on a blind date once, just once, and I will never do it again. It was the biggest disaster of all time. She ended up being a burn victim… [ Laughter ] …by the end of the night. I mean, it was, like, the worst… -[ Laughter ] -It was brutal. I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend‘s killer. But no one will do it. [ Laughter ] My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. Did you guys hear what I just said? [ Laughter ] She owned a parakeet. Oh, my God. That fucking thing never shut up. But the bird was cool. [ Laughter and applause ]
 My ex-girlfriend had a lot of, like, really annoying habits. I think the worst was that she loved to read women’s magazines, like Cosmo or, uh… or things like Cosmo. And she would flip straight to the relationship quiz. And not only would she present that to me as if it was, like, a fun activity for us to do together — even though every question is designed to fuck my entire world up. But even worse is she would get mad at my answers and make me change them so we’d get the best score. Like, I’ll never forget the last time we played that game. She was like, “Anthony, if you could have lunch with anyone in the world, living or dead, who would it be?” And I said, “I don’t know. Caligula.” [ Laughter ] And she goes, “Really? Caligula? That’s your answer? That’s what you’re gonna say to me, your girlfriend? Are you sure?” I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, baby. Let me change that. I’d have lunch with you. And you’d be dead.” [ Laughter ]
 Yeah, we’re not together anymore. She’s got a new boyfriend now. They just moved in together. And I’ve heard rumors that he’s abusive, which makes me want to go over there with a baseball bat and then blame it on her boyfriend. [ Laughter ] But I don’t want to sound like a misogynist up here.
 My ex-girlfriend wasn’t, like, a bad person, really. She wasn’t a bad girl at all. But she was terrible in bed. Terrible in bed. I mean, she would just lie there, screaming, “No!” [ Laughter ] That was rape joke number two, baby doll. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, clap it up. My girlfriend now is great. My girlfriend now is almost perfect. And she hates that I tell rape jokes. Hates it. Says, “Anthony, how can you make light of something as terrible as rape after I told you that I got raped in high school?” And I said, “Baby, because I don’t believe you.” [ Laughter ] The point is, my girlfriend is very sensitive, all right? Like, the other day, she got her hair cut. Two inches trimmed off of her hair. Then she came home and cried about that for two hours. Over a haircut. I couldn’t believe it. Finally, I went to her. I said, “Baby, what are you so upset about? It’s just a haircut. I’m the one that’s got to find a new girlfriend.” [ Laughter ] Yeah, she got mad. She got really mad at me. She got really mad at me a couple months ago because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself, you know, which is a nice thing to do. But then I screwed up and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to everyone. [ Laughter ] Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, disgusted with me over this. But now I don’t even care about her anymore. ‘Cause now I’ve got to call up my mother on the phone and say, “Mom, I am so sorry about that. That picture, that e-mail… was just for Dad.” [ Laughter ]
 My girlfriend and I argue a lot. It’s mostly her arguing with me kind of thing. Like, I should just keep my mouth shut. Every fight we get into is my fault. I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t because I’m so fucking funny. [ Laughter ] Like, a couple of nights ago, we go to a party, all right? We get trashed, completely wasted. We wake up in bed the next morning completely hung over. And I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but instead, I roll over, and I say, “Listen, baby, don’t get mad, but I think your mom tried to have sex with me last night.” And she hit the roof. She goes, “Anthony, that’s impossible.” And I said, “Oh. Well, in that case, you should always wear makeup.” [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I love that joke so much. Here’s why. Did you guys hear, like, the sounds you made? Like that was the worst thing I’ve said tonight? I’ve told three rape jokes. [ Laughter ]
 I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But, like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. [ Laughter and applause ] I like that you laugh until I look at you, and then you stop laughing. ‘Cause you don’t want to give me the satisfaction. [ Laughter ] That’s great. You seem like a cool girl in a completely different environment. [ Laughter ]
 But we’d make it work, you know? Like, how long have you guys been together right here? -MAN: Three years. -Three years, okay. What would you say is, like, the secret to a good, long relationship? Communication. Communication. Wrong. [ Laughter ] The secret is trying new things together, especially in the bedroom. The other night, my girlfriend and I are in bed together. She says, “Anthony, I want you to pee on me.” Now, I have never thought about peeing on a woman in my entire life. Never even imagined it before. But then I got the green light. And, apparently, it’s my thing. [ Laughter ] Like, I just jumped up right away, you know? But as soon as that begins, she starts screaming at me. Like it’s my fault she talks in her sleep. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] No big deal for me.
 My girlfriend yells at me all the time. She yells at me all the time. And, again, I’m a gentleman. I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman, no matter what. I mean, you saw how I handled that shit right? [ Laughter ] I never think it’s okay to yell back at a woman. But the other night, she yelled at me for so long and so loud that the cops came to the door, which is embarrassing, because now I’ve got to answer my own door and say, “Officers, I’m so sorry. There is no reason for you to be here tonight. I already tased her.” I’ve got this friend named Kevin. I call him a friend. More of an acquaintance, really. One of those people who think they’re way better friends with you than they actually are. Like, the other day, Kevin says to me, “Hey, man, you know what I like to do when I’m all by myself and no one’s around?” And before I can say, “Hey, we’re not really friends”… [ Laughter ] …he says, “I like to take peanut butter and smear it all over myself and then let my dog lick it off.” I said, “Dude, you have got to get yourself a girlfriend. I’ll trade you mine for that dog.” [ Laughter ] You guys are fantastic. It’s great. Relax. [ Laughter ] I really love performing at this place. And, you know, it’s a great place to perform. And I would know. I perform all over the world. Clubs, theaters, colleges, festivals. Colleges are great ’cause it’s just me talking to, like, 18- to 22-year-olds, you know, which is ideal. [ Laughter ] And they teach me things all the time, you know. Like, I was at a college recently, and they taught me the term — Have you guys ever heard the term “but-her-face” before? You ever heard that? Yeah. It’s been around for a long time. If you haven’t heard the term, “but-her-face” is like a girl who’s got a really hot body but her face, you know? But her face is all fucked up. [ Laughter ] Now, when I heard that, I thought that was pretty mean, you know. I’ve never dated a but-her-face before. But I did once date a monkeyface. [ Laughter ] Have you guys ever heard of that? It’s different. A monkeyface is like a girl who’s got, like, a face like a total monkey. [ Laughter ] But the rest of her isn’t that hot. [ Laughter ] Yeah, she was one in a million. I would give anything to go back and pee on her. [ Laughter ] I like telling that joke a lot ’cause people think I’m about to be racist with it. Like, “Oh, Anthony, you are racist.” Well, fuck you. I’m not racist at all. Some of my best friends are black for Halloween. [ Laughter ] Clubs are great. Colleges are great. Festivals, though — festivals are where it’s at. Festivals — it’s like musicians and comedians hanging out all week. You never get to do that. I got to go to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas, last year, which is a great festival. But I didn’t realize how popular it gets. I drive into town. I’m like, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” WOMAN: Yeah. Thank you. [ Laughter ] Thank you for backing me up there. I don’t know. I don’t know what story you think we share, but you are wrong. [ Laughter and applause ] “Yeah, I’m on the same page as this famous fucking guy who travels around the world.” We’re cool. We’re good. So, I… So, I get into town. I say, “Hey, where’s my hotel room this weekend?” And they said, “Well, where did you book your hotel room this weekend?” I said, “I didn’t.” And they said, “Yeah? Your hotel room is in your car, you fucking idiot.” [ Laughter ] It’s 2:00 in the morning. I’m trying to fall asleep in the back of my car. And I get a phone call from the festival. They say, “Anthony, good news. There’s a hotel about three miles away. They have one room that just became available. If you get there right now, right away, they will take care of you.” So I drive as fast as I can. I get there first. Guy behind the front desk says, “Yes, Mr. Jeselnik, we do have one room available. But, by law, I have to tell you that earlier this afternoon, two prostitutes overdosed in that bed.” And I said, “Well, how much more is that?” [ Laughter ] Are you still on board at this point? [ Applause ] But I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining to you guys. I don’t want to sound bitter. Being a comedian is the greatest job in the world, like, greatest job in the world. Once you get to my level. [ Laughter ] The only thing I don’t like is all the travel. I’m always flying somewhere. I’m always in an airport. Even flying into Chicago a couple days ago, two-and-a-half-hour flight delay. I’m stuck in an airport bar talking to some random asshole. And I got nowhere to go. So I’m like, “Hey, man, what do you do?” And he says, and I quote, “Oh, nothing right now. But I used to be a priest.” As in, “Oh shit,” right? But I got nowhere to go. So we keep talking, we keep drinking. Finally, two hours goes by. Guy gets up. He’s like, “Hey, man, I got to catch my flight. But I don’t want to lie to you. I used to be a priest. I got kicked out ’cause I molested a kid.” Now, here’s the thing. After talking to this guy and getting to know this guy for two hours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy, if you could forget about, you know… …all that Jesus bullshit. [ Laughter and applause ] Yeah, that’s a favorite. I’m probably gonna tell it again later. But it’s not all bad news with me, you know? My grandfather turns 100 years old next month. [ Applause ] Maybe. [ Laughter ] I’m… I’m really skeptical. I don’t think I ever got over my grandmother’s death when I was a kid. My grandmother died from a heart attack during my 9th birthday party. Literally while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties. But now I’m just careful what I wish for. [ Laughter and applause ] My dad’s been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can’t hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything, too. Little hook next to the door. Little bowl next to his bed. One of those keychains that makes a noise when you whistle, you know. Nothing worked. So, finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in and we put him in a home. [ Laughter ] And that was not easy. Not an easy decision to make at all. My dad was an amazing man, you guys. My dad was an amazing — My dad raised five boys all by himself… …without the rest of us knowing. [ Laughter ] And, sure, my dad had his problems, you know? He had his issues. My dad was a big-time alcoholic, major-league alcoholic, black-out-every-night kind of alcoholic. But, to his credit, my dad never once laid a finger on either me or my mom, not once. And I don’t know if it was just because he loved us so much or if he just hated my sisters. -But either way… -[ Laughter ] Either way, he was a great dad. I remember a tough time for me. I was like 10 years old. My parents call me into their bedroom. They say, “Anthony, we want to get a divorce. You have to decide which one of us you want to live with.” I was a 10-year-old kid. I didn’t know any better. I just said, “Dad, Dad. I want to live with Dad.” It was heartbreaking. My mom just looked at the floor and said, “Well, whatever you want, Anthony.” And my dad just said, “I don’t want a divorce anymore.” [ Laughter ] That was tough. And maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. Oh, God. The old man was into some really crazy shit. [ Laughter ] But then maybe the greatest moment of my life ever — I think this is, like, a universal things for guys — I’m 12 years old, I’m sneaking around my house, and I found my dad’s porn in the back of the attic. That was a great day. That was a game changer for me. But then the worst day of my life was the day I found my mom’s porn… …in the back of that video store. [ Laughter ] I told that joke recently on “Conan” — that’s right, “Conan”… [ Laughter ] …and immediately afterwards, my mom called me on the phone. And she said, “Anthony, what the fuck? [ Laughter ] Do you really have to make up a joke that makes me sound like I work in pornography and then say it on ‘Conan’? That’s my least favorite joke that you have.” And I just said, “Well, Mom, that’s only because you haven’t heard the other jokes I tell about you that they are not allowed to let me say on ‘Conan.'” -Per example… -[ Laughter ] My mom is crazy. People always like to joke, “Oh, my mom’s crazy.” My mom is ca-razy. Her entire house is filled with nothing but pictures of Princess Diana. And they’re all from right after the accident. [ Laughter ] And most of them she drew. Like, it’s really fucked up, you guys. [ Laughter ] My mom had one of those tiny, little dogs, those little Pomeranians. And she loved it more than any of her kids. To the point that when it finally died last year, she had it stuffed… with another Pomeranian. [ Laughter ] [ Sighs ] And my mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out she has to have both of her breasts removed… if she’s ever gonna be good at golf. [ Laughter ] Yeah. That cannot be easy to hear. So I went home to visit — I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know? -[ Scattered applause ] -Yeah. Congrats. [ Laughter ] Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” Finally, after a week of this, I had to say to her, “Mom, are you out of your goddamn mind? Don’t you know you’ve got a better chance of getting struck by lightning than me doing you a favor?” [ Laughter ] Now, one thing I’ve learned in all my years of doing stand-up comedy is that people get really upset. Audiences get really upset if I ever try to tell a joke about suicide. So, because of that, here are four jokes about suicide. [ Laughter ] MAN: Ow! [ Chuckles ] That’s appropriate. [ Laughter ] I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is, it skips a generation. So if I’m lucky, my kids will do it. [ Laughter ] I’ll never forget my sister Ashley tried to kill herself last year by throwing herself off a cliff, which is awful. I’m actually the one who found her and had to drive her to the cliff. [ Laughter ] Like I don’t have better shit to do. When I was a kid, my Uncle Tom killed himself. I remember that because the family actually tried to cover it up, make it look like he accidentally shot himself playing regular roulette. [ Laughter ] No one — No was fooled. Just didn’t work. But I think the worst for me was probably my cousin Ty, who killed himself a couple years ago. That was hard ’cause he was just, like, a little bit older than me. I would always go to him for advice. And he was great with it, too, whether I was asking about school or girls, just life in general, you know? He always said the same thing to me. He’d say, “Anthony, kill yourself.” [ Laughter ] I miss that guy. No, you guys have been a great crowd tonight. You’ve gone with me everywhere I’ve wanted you to go. But if you’ve just been sitting there this whole time, thinking, “Anthony, this is all well and good, but where are your offensive jokes? [ Laughter ] Where are your showstoppers, if you will?” Well, guys, I save those for the end. I’m gonna tell you all a series of jokes right now that are going to get increasingly more offensive. [ Cheers and applause ] I like that enthusiasm. Let’s see how far it carries. [ Laughter ] They say it’s easy — They say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people. But let me tell you guys something — It is not. You have really got to explain it to them. [ Laughter ] That was the first one. Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She’s like, “Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.” And every night, I make her return it. I say, “No way, baby. You can’t take care of a houseplant. You couldn’t even keep your baby alive.” [ Laughter ] Right? Two for two, huh? [ Laughter and applause ] We just, uh — We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy. A peanut allergy, which is very serious, I know. But, still, I feel like my parents are totally overreacting. They caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts, and they kicked me out of his funeral. [ Laughter ] I feel like some of you guys might be too nice to laugh at some of these jokes. And that’s okay. Not everybody has a great sense of humor. [ Laughter ] You guys would probably love my little nephew. He’s like 6 years old. So cute. I talk to him every day on the phone. He’s unbelievable. He’s got, like, the greatest imagination ever. He’s either gonna be an incredible artist someday or he really did get molested. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] I wasn’t even laughing about that one. I was thinking about what’s coming. [ Laughter ] I feel like I need to say, like, I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world. Like, literally, right below comedian. [ Laughter ] So, to me, if a mother does her best, then, in my book, she’s a good mom, all right? Now, my mom did her very best. Unfortunately, she was also a terrible person. Like, my mom, for most of her life — and this is true — my mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? [ Laughter ] It means she couldn’t believe the Holocaust happened. It’s, like, the worst thing you can be. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch “Schindler’s List.” And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. [ Laughter ] I’m glad you guys enjoyed that one. [ Laughter ] Because my mom was also really racist, too. Like, when I was a kid, my mom thought it was smart parenting, she thought it was a good idea to try to convince me that Santa Claus was black. Because then that way, when I eventually found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a letdown. [ Laughter ] Three more. [ Laughter ] I’m not a religious person. I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it. I’m just reasonable. [ Laughter ] But my girlfriend [Chuckles] My girlfriend has got, like, the greatest story behind why she’s not religious anymore. She said, when she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. And about two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Like, whether you laughed or not, you got to admit, that’s a fucking great story. [ Laughter ] Now, one thing that drives me crazy with my girlfriend now is that she’s got, like, a million shoes. Like, a million shoes. And she doesn’t even like to wear them. I swear she just likes stealing from the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] Now, that joke, you’re either laughing or you’ve simply never been to the Holocaust Museum. [ Laughter ] You got to believe me. It’s like a Nike factory in there. [ Laughter ] But if you haven’t been, you should go. It’s important. [ Laughter ] Now, people who fly a lot the way that I do, people who fly all the time, they all say the same thing to me. They say, “Anthony, there’s nothing worse than a baby on an airplane. Nothing worse than a baby on an airplane.” But I disagree. I can give you guys four examples of when having a baby on an airplane was awesome. Although they were all on 9/11. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Now, this is the ideal time to tell you guys that I love to meet fans after the show. I like when people come up and say, “Anthony, you’re a genius. Anthony, best show I’ve ever seen.” And that’s it. I don’t ever want to hear anything else. If you’ve got a bone to pick with me over something I’ve said tonight, instead, you should just shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] Because, seriously, I know more about comedy than you do, and you came to see me. [ Man shouts indistinctly ] Like I said, shut the fuck up. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] But, still, even after I’ve just said all that, you still feel like you need to come up and bitch, well, then, I will be as polite as I can possibly be. However, it is ill-advised. Because you will end up as a joke in my act… [ Laughter ] …much like the blind guy who came up and complained to me in Seattle after a show. He walked up and said, “Anthony, Anthony. [ Laughter ] Why didn’t you tell any blind jokes tonight? I came here to hear blind jokes tonight.” And I said, “Well, here’s a blind joke.” [ Laughter ] Another good one for me was the lesbian in Portland who ran up after a show. And I know she was a lesbian because she ran up and yelled out, “Anthony, I’m a lesbian! And I thought you were really funny tonight, but you’re just lucky you didn’t make any lesbian jokes up there. ‘Cause I would have gotten really mad if you had made fun of any lesbians tonight.” And I wanted to say to her, “Hey, do you realize that that makes you a terrible person and that you have no sense of humor? Plus, you’re an idiot if you felt okay laughing at all the other messed-up things I joked about but you’d have gotten really upset if I’d made fun of you or something you care about.” And I was gonna say all that, but then I remembered, “Anthony, she’s a lesbian. She knows.” [ Laughter ] My second-favorite post-show interaction of all time had to be — I was in Boston a couple years ago, and a very drunk girl — they’re always very drunk — ran up to me. And she screams out, “You should never make fun of the Holocaust!” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And she says, “Because I lost family in the Holocaust.” And I said, “Well, you don’t look Jewish.” And she said, “Listen, asshole. There are certain lines you’re not supposed to cross, certain boundaries you’re never supposed to push.” And I said, “Hey, hey, hey. I just gave you a compliment.” [ Laughter ] But my favorite — the best, most unbeatable, never-gonna-happen-again post-show interaction of all time had to be just — just about a year ago. I was performing in Orlando, Florida, home of Casey Anthony. And this is right after the trial, like immediately after the trial. And I said, “Listen, everybody, I don’t understand what the big deal is here. Of course Casey Anthony is innocent. If she’s guilty of anything, it’s killing her baby.” [ Laughter ] Now, after the show, I’m taking pictures, signing tits — You know how it is. [ Laughter ] And a guy walks up to me, totally sober, looking very upset. And he says, “You need to do me a favor,” which is a terrible way to start. He says, “You need to never tell another Casey Anthony joke ever again.” And I said, “Why?” You know, just to be a dick. [ Laughter ] And he says — I’ll never forget this. He says, “Because her daughter, Caylee Anthony, is my niece.” And I said, “Bullshit.” At which point he takes out his phone, sadly hits a couple buttons, and he shows me a picture of him holding little Caylee Anthony, in happier times, of course. [ Laughter ] And he says, “See? See, you son of a bitch?” And I said, “No, man, I believe you. I just mean she was your niece.” Thank you very much, everybody. Have a great night. Thank you so much. -Thank you. -[ Cheers and applause ] WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer, as it were. Just gonna do a few minutes before we bring him up. I had $10,000. No, I would be happy. [ Laughs ] And then I go to London, my first day there… [ Laughter ] You walk into the house. You have a jacket, hat, and bag. Yeah, but, yeah. But very good-looking. And that is a great combination, right? And then make this very non-guilty face. [ Laughter ] It’s like, I’ve never seen… Amazing. You guys have been awesome. Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik. It’s gonna be an amazing night. Thank you! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Applause ] MAN: All right, you guys, put your hands together. Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik! [ Cheers and applause ]"
1686242473-297,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle Acceptance Speech | 2019 Mark Twain Prize – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-acceptance-speech-2019-mark-twain-prize/,"An outstanding lineup of entertainers gathered in the Kennedy Center Concert Hall to salute Dave Chappelle, recipient of the 22nd annual Mark Twain Prize for American Humor on October 27, 2019. Thank you, thank you! I like not knowing what’s gonna happen. I like making memories. sometimes I do all this crazy shit around my colleagues just so that they can tell their friends I did it. Rather than talk about myself, just briefly I want to just talk about my genre, stand-up comedy is an incredibly American genre. I don’t think any other country could produce this many comedians, and unbeknownst to many people in this audience, I don’t think there’s opinion that exists in this country that is not represented in a comedy club by somebody. Each and every one of you has a champion in the room. We watch you guys fight but when we’re together we talk it out! I know comics that are very racist, and I watch them on stage and everyone’s laughing and I’m like, mmm that motherfucker means that shit. Don’t get mad at them, don’t hate them. We go upstairs and have a beer, sometimes I even appreciate the artistry that they paint their racist opinions with. Man, it’s not that serious. The First Amendment is first for a reason, the Second Amendment is just in case the first one doesn’t work out. We gotta let some air out of the ball, man, the country is getting a little tight it doesn’t feel like it’s ever felt in my lifetime, so tonight I am honored that my colleagues are here in comedy and in music. And I want everyone in America right now to look at me, look at me smoking indoors. I didn’t ask anybody I just did it what they’re gonna do, kick me out before I get the prize no, this is called leverage. The thing I like best about tonight was that I saw so many people from different parts of my life, like friends that I grew up with here in DC, friends of mine from Ohio then and now, friends of mine from comedy clubs, all the fucking musicians that blew my mind you guys have no idea how you inspired me. I want to give a special shout-out to my OG Tony Woods. Miles Davis has a quote it’s one of my favorite– Miles Davis said so much cool shit but one of the things he said I always loved, he said it took me years to learn how to play like myself, you know he would watch other musicians then he would try to play like Dizzy or Bird, all the guys who were great. Tony Woods was my Dizzy and Bird, if I was Miles, I was trying to play like you, you were the first person I ever saw do it absolutely right, who feel us, and he told the truth. There’s something so true about this genre when done correctly that I will fight anybody that gets in a true practitioner of this art form’s way, because I know you’re wrong. This is the truth and you are obstructing it. I’m not talking about the content, I’m talking about the art form. Do you understand? Do we have an agreement? [Applause] And what I really wanted to say tonight and I’m glad I get the platform to do it– I’m gay! I am gay and I can’t wait to see what this does for my career being gay like this. So many special shout outs, one of the main architects of the come back of the century, my brother and my mentor the mighty Stan Lathan. I’d never dreamed that I would be able to work with someone as great as you. These last five specials– straight fire. I wouldn’t want to do another special with anybody else but you. So eat your motherfucker vegetables and live as long as you can cuz we’re doing a few more of these Neal Brennan your speech made me cry because it reminded me of all those hard days of work and all that money I never got for it. The other real special shout-out I got to make because none of this would have been possible in any level without this person is my mother. Mom, my mother. Mom, mom, mom, mom. You have no idea when I put this woman through If you had just given birth to me, that would have been more than enough, but the fact that she raised me and raised me well. We had a real oral tradition in our house. I knew the word “griot” when I was a little boy. A griot was a person in Africa who was charged with keeping the stories of the village. Everyone would tell a griot of the stories and they would remember them all so that they could tell future generations. When they got old, they’d tell them to someone else and they say in Africa, when a griot dies it’s like a library was burned down, and my mother used to tell me before I ever thought about doing comedy, she said, “You should be a griot,” and she filled me with every story of black life, you know she’s educated in African American Studies and she would let me understand the context that I was being raised in. I’m being raised in a hostile environment that I have to tame. By the time I was 14 years old, I was in nightclubs mastering an adult world. I was terrified. The crack epidemic was going on and my mother would hear gunshots outside and be scared to death, “Maybe it’s my son,” but early in my career, if you remember, mom, you used to sit in the club with me. She’d do a full day of work, you’d be back there, falling asleep just waiting for me to go on she would watch my show every night. Do you know how long that car ride is home? How many of you have ever heard your mother say, “***** jokes were a little too much tonight son,”? I was a soft kid, I was sensitive I cry easy and I would be scared to fistfight and my mother used to tell me this thing, I don’t even know if you remember but you said this to me more than once you said, “Son, sometimes you have to be a lion so you can be the lamb you really are.” I talked this shit like a lion. I’m not afraid of any of you when it comes word to word, I will gab with the best of them just so I can chill and be me. And that’s why I love my art form, because I understand every practitioner of it whether I agree with them or not, I know where they’re coming from they want to be heard, they got something to say, there’s something they noticed, they just want to be understood. I love this genre. It saved my life, so tonight, mom, I would like to honor you in a very special way that I cannot do on my own but because now I am a man with great and influential friends, I’d like to ask my man Thundercat to come out on stage, Thundercat, the mighty Mos Def. Washington, DC thank you very much for giving me a home and a place to start. Today is officially Dave Chappelle Day in Washington, DC, the mayor declared it last night. So, in the future, on Dave Chappelle Day, I ask everyone who wishes to celebrate it to make one incredible memory for themselves, and/or somebody else. Thank you very much, goodnight."
1686241760-117,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,AZIZ ANSARI: LIVE IN MADISON SQUARE GARDEN (2015) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/aziz-ansari-live-in-madison-square-garden-2015-full-transcript/,"Thank you so much. Thank you very much, New York. Holy shit. This is Madison Square Garden. Oh, my God. Bring the house lights up for a second. Let’s just see everybody here a second. Bring the house lights up. Thank you. Thank you so much to all 12,000 of you predominantly white people that showed up tonight. I really– No, there’s minorities in the mix. I’m just kidding. Yeah. Uh, I’m a… I’m a minority, and I am… Yeah, I am the first generation in my family that was born in America. Anybody else first-generation people? Yeah? Clap, yeah? Yeah! Pretty amazing thing our parents did, right? They came to this country. They maybe didn’t know anyone, maybe didn’t even speak the language, and they figured it out. Very brave, courageous thing. And I feel like we never sit down and thank them for it. And we should, ’cause that’s such an amazing thing, you know, for someone in your family to at some point, to just be like, “You know what? Fuck China! Let’s get out of here. Let’s go. Let’s get out of here. I’m tired of living in this village. Let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s move to America. I’ve seen photos online, it looks dope. Let’s go. Let’s go.” ‘Cause you know they had friends that were dicks that were like, “What? You can’t move to America. You don’t know anyone there. You don’t speak the language. What are you gonna do for work?” “I don’t know, man. We’ll figure it out. Worst-case scenario, we’ll cook food and we’ll sell it to white people, okay?” “You got a Master’s degree in Chemistry. You don’t know how to cook.” “They don’t know what Chinese food tastes like! I’ll just put some chicken in a box with some orange sauce and I’ll serve it to ’em.” “Ooh! What are you gonna call that dish? Orange chicken?” “Yeah! Maybe I will call it orange chicken! Maybe I’ll call it Number 36. We’ll see!” Pretty amazing, though, right? Like, all those stories, they’re amazing to me. Amazing stories. I hear immigrants say stories like, “Oh, I came to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket.” That’s incredible. Is our generation that amazing? I don’t think we are. I don’t think we’re as amazing as our parents are. I don’t think we can pull that kind of shit off. Like, could you imagine if you sent me to Brooklyn with $20 in my pocket? I’d get there the first day and be like, “Oh, man, I’m out of money! I just bought too much fresh pressed juice! Guess I gotta move back.” “Hey, Dad. Yeah, I’m coming back to India, huh. Things didn’t work out here. Uh, I made a bad investment in juice.”
 My parents told me a little bit about their struggles. They moved to South Carolina. That’s where they chose– Yeah! ‘Cause they were trying to find a place that combined racism… and horrible public schools… and they’re like, “Ooh, South Carolina! You’re right in the middle of this very unnecessary Venn diagram. Let’s do this!” And, you know, they told me a little bit about it. And, you know, my mom told me her first day in America was the scariest day of her life. And I was like, “Wow, why do you say that?” She’s like, “Well, I got here. I didn’t know anyone. I was so far away from my friends and family. Uh, I barely even knew your father.” They had an arranged marriage and she’d known him for, like, a week at that point. This is serious. And she said she got here and she’s in this small apartment, it’s empty and she didn’t know what to do, and she felt so scared. I was like, “What did you do that first day?” She’s like, “I didn’t know what to do. I was all alone. Your dad was at work the whole day. And I just sat on the couch and I cried.” I was like, “Oh, that’s so sad. How did you get through that?” And she’s like, “It was just one of those moments where I just knew I had to be brave and figure it out. You ever had moments like that, Aziz, where you were so scared, but you knew you had to be brave and figure it out?” And I was like… “No! My life is super easy ’cause you did all the struggling. So, my shit’s really easy.” I’m not gonna have any struggles to tell my kids about. What’s my story gonna be like? “Oh, son, once, when I was flying from New York to LA… my iPad died.” My kid will be like, “Fuck you, Dad. We’re teleporting to Mars!”
 My dad told me a little bit about his struggles. My dad’s a doctor. And he said when he first got here, it was very hard ’cause the head of the hospital was very racist and would never send him patients. He’d always send patients to another doctor that lived three hours away. And I was like, “Oh, that stinks. How did you figure that out?” And he said, “Well, what eventually happened was the head of the hospital got very sick and he had a stomach problem.” My dad is a stomach doctor. And so he called for my dad. He’s like, “Oh, send that Indian guy in. I don’t want to go to the guy three hours away.” And my mom was like, “You shouldn’t go. That guy’s racist, he never sends you patients. Why should you go?” My dad was like, “No, I’m gonna go, ’cause I think we need to be the bigger people here.” So my dad goes and he starts treating the guy. And then my dad poisons him and kills him. And then my dad became the head of the hospital. And that’s what you gotta do when you’re an immigrant! Handle your shit! Kill some racist motherfuckers if you need to! How many of you guys– Clap if you don’t eat meat. Anyone here not eat meat? Clap if you don’t eat meat. Okay. Now, clap if you don’t eat meat ’cause, um, you saw a documentary or you read a book that freaked you out about the meat industry. Clap if that’s the situation. A few people. Now, clap if you’ve just seen that stuff in general. Like, video of a factory farm or read something that, like, freaked you out about the food industry. Clap if you’ve seen that stuff, yeah? That’s a lot of people. Now, clap if you saw that stuff and you’re like, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting. It’s cruel, it’s inhumane. The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry. There’s no excuse for this. The government definitely needs to properly regulate the meat industry. But, in the meantime… I kinda still gotta eat meat ’cause I don’t want to feel weird and hungry all the time.” Isn’t that so frustrating? ‘Cause no one wants to support that stuff. But you know what the problem is? Salads need to step their game up, okay? Like, salads aren’t bringing it hard enough. Vegetables aren’t bringing it hard enough. If food is a basketball game, meat is killing it. Meat is just like, “Ribs! Fried chicken! Steak!” Meanwhile, vegetables are like, “Uh, does anyone want any cauliflower? What about some snow peas? Does anyone like Brussels sprouts?” “Yeah, I’ll take those Brussels sprouts and I’ll wrap ’em in some bacon!” That’s how powerful meat is, right? You go into a kitchen, you smell bacon and go, “Are you cooking bacon right now? Is that bacon you’re making right– Is there any way you have a second piece of bacon that I could eat as well? Is there any…” No one’s ever walked into a kitchen like, “Are you steaming carrots right now? Are you steaming carrots? I can smell the steam from the other room. Is that some broccoli and cauliflower? Are you making a medley right now? Are you making a motherfucking steamed vegetable medley right now? Oh, don’t tell me that’s brown rice in that bowl! Don’t tell me that’s brown rice! You better fix me a plate now!” Even if you don’t eat meat, even if you’re just eating vegetables, do you know everything that goes into the vegetables? There’s all this messed-up stuff with vegetables, too, like child labor and all these issues. Like, how come every vegetable’s always in season, right? Every vegetable’s always in season, right? You never go to the grocery store and they’re like, “We don’t have asparagus at the moment. They’re just not growing.” No, no, no. They have everything all the time. ‘Cause if it’s not growing here, they just go to South America, and there’s some guy with a sword going up to little kids like, “Dígame, dígame! Pick the asparagus! Pick it! Pick it! Pick it! People in America need to eat it and see if it really makes their pee smell weird!” Just never google how anything you consume is created. Just never google it, ’cause it’s always gonna bum you out. I used to buy this orange juice called Simply OJ, ’cause I’m dumb and I see words like “simple” and “natural,” and I’m like, “Mmm, okay, well, clearly, there must be a grandma squeezing oranges into a bucket, and, you know, then she pours that in a little bottle.” No, no, no, no, no. That’s what was happening for, like, three months, and then Coca-Cola bought the company. They slit the grandma’s throat… and now a bunch of little Asian kids just jizz into a banana peel, and that’s Simply OJ. Something like that. I can’t… quite remember the specifics, but… something like that. Everything, man! Eggs! You know how they make eggs? This is how they make eggs, okay? They genetically engineer two different types of chicken. One type of chicken is called the layer chick. Just lays eggs, right? And they have another type of chick called a broiler chick. This is the chicken they, like, pump up with a bunch of hormones so it has, like, huge breasts and legs, and that’s the one they use for the meat. And I’m reading this, I’m like, “Well, what happens to the male layer chicks?” They serve no purpose, right? They can’t lay eggs. They can’t be used for meat. What happens? They just get murdered! In insane ways. Like, they’ll take all the male layer chicks and they’ll throw ’em into a big chicken woodchipper. Um, another thing they’ll do is they’ll put ’em in a big plastic vat and just put a lid on it and suffocate ’em to death. And, yeah, it’s a bummer. Like, none of us is into that. Like, we’d all check “No” on that box. But the problem is, this kind of information, this kind of footage, it just hasn’t been seen in the right context to elicit the kind of mass outrage that would actually result in some changes, you know. Right now, it’s in these obscure documentaries or books or whatever. But what if it was in a different context? Like, what if there was a CNN camera crew that did a raid at rapper Ja Rule’s house? And they saw he had a big plastic vat where he was just suffocating chickens to death. We’d all be like, “Ja, you monster! What are you doing?” And he’d be like, “I’m sorry, I just wanted some eggs! I had to make ethical compromises in order to achieve economies of scale! ♪ It’s murda!” ♪ I’ll admit, when I first wrote that joke, I was like, “But will people remember Ja Rule?” Oh, how foolish I was! If you’re not familiar with Ja, um… he had a strange string of hits a few years ago, where… every song followed this very strange formula where they’d have a woman with a very beautiful voice, like Jennifer Lopez or Ashanti, and they would sing the hook. And then Ja would come in and sound like someone that was getting stabbed in the stomach through their ulcer. Like, every single song was just like, ♪ R-U-L-E ♪ ♪ What’s my motherfucking name? ♪ ♪ R-U-L-E ♪ ♪ And what am I doing here? ♪ I feel like I gotta do that whole bit on a talk show or something. ‘Cause whenever you do a bit like that on a talk show, the person always gets in touch with you. So I feel like I have to do it, just so I can get that amazing phone call one day, where it’s just like, “Aziz?” – “Yeah. Who is this?” – “Ja Rule, baby! Saw the way you integrated me into that bit about factory farming in the egg industry! I never knew that shit! I’m never eatin’ meat again! You know where I can get some more literature on this subject? Maybe a pamphlet on how to adjust to a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle? ♪ Put it on me!” ♪ Soon, Ja starts getting really passionate about the cause. He starts filming his own PSAs. “Every day, millions of chickens are living in tiny cages the size of a piece of paper. They’re shittin’ all over each other in these disease-ridden factory farms. This is the meat we’re puttin’ in our mouths! This is the meat we’re puttin’ in our children’s mouths! If you think the government should probably regulate the meat industry, ♪ Holla, holla!” ♪ Guys, if only you knew how long it’s taken me to find the perfect stand-up bit to showcase my frustrations with the meat industry… and my flawless Ja Rule impersonation… then you’d know my struggle. You know what I’ve realized recently? Creepy dudes are everywhere… and they’re so much more prevalent than I ever realized. And it really sucks, ’cause women have to worry about creepy dudes all the time. And it’s very unfair because men never worry about creepy women. Like, men never are concerned about creepy women. That’s not a thing. There’s never been two dudes, walking alone, late night in a park, like… – “Hey, man, I think we should speed up.” – “Why, what’s going on?” “I’m pretty sure that woman behind the tree is masturbating to us!” “Oh, God! Oh, God! Should we get a cab? Should we just keep running? Ahh!” No two dudes have ever faced that dilemma. There’s never been a dude who’s told a story like this, “Yeah, so I’m at the club, like, minding my own business, right? And then this creepy woman comes up to me. She’s like, ‘Hey, can I buy you a drink?’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m fine.’ ‘Let me buy you a drink.’ ‘No, I’m fine.’ She’s like, ‘Let me buy you a drink!’ I’m like, ‘Okay, okay, okay.’ And so, you know, she buys me a drink and I take a sip to be polite, and then she’s just like… that’s a nice set of balls you got down there. What do you think about me sucking on one of those bad boys later?’ And I was like, ‘Uh, that’s quite all right.’ And she’s like, ‘Oh, but you’ll drink the drink, though! You’ll drink the drink, though! To be clear, I can’t suck the balls, but you’ll drink the drink, though! You’ll drink the drink, though! You’re twisted! Ladies, let’s get out of this club! Dudes here are busted!'” No dude has that story. No dude’s ever barged up into his friend’s apartment in a panic, like, “Oh, my God! Dude, I’m so sorry! I didn’t know where else to go! This is so crazy! Oh, my God! I’m so freaked out right now! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I was walking down Third Avenue, and this woman just whipped her pussy out at me. And she just started chasing me like, ‘Ahh! Do you wanna touch it?'” No guy here has any story like that. No guy here has any story like that. Every woman in here has at least three stories like that. I promise you, they do. Creepy dudes are everywhere, man. They’re on the Internet. Oh, they love the Internet so much! Such a great showcase for them. It’s really startling if you look at the difference between the way men are treated on the Internet and women are treated on the Internet. You know, me as a guy, let’s say I tweet something like, “Hey, guys, I’m doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!” I might get a mean tweet, where some guy’s like, “Oh, yeah? I’m never coming to Phoenix, ’cause you suck! Yeah, I got him. I did it, yeah!” If a woman tweets that, though, her mean tweet will be different. Like, if a woman tweets, “Hey, I’m doing a show in Phoenix. Get tickets!” Her mean tweet will be like, “Oh, yeah? Instead of going to Phoenix, why don’t you come to Buffalo and suck my dick? Yeah! I got her! I did it, yeah! Let’s go watch Transformers again! Pshh!” No women are harassing me like that. Women just don’t harass dudes in that way. I never get tweets like that. No women are ever writing me stuff like, “Oh, hey, Aziz, I bet you give good head! Yeah! Suck my pussy, Aziz! Suck my pussy, Aziz!” No women are out there writing me like, “Oh, hey, Aziz, I wanna take your head and squeeze it in between my titties till your beard pops off. Yeah!” No women are saying that. No women are out there like, “Oh, Aziz, you’re putting out a new stand-up special? Why don’t you put your fingers in my pussy instead? Finger me, Aziz! Finger me, Aziz! Let’s go watch Dirty Dancing on Blu-ray!” Pshh! No women are saying that ’cause, in general, women don’t do dumb shit like that. That’s not a thing they do, really. Men do this shit all the time, and it’s so dumb. I did a show with a female comedian once. She got on stage and the first thing that happened is some idiot in the front just yells, “Take it off!” If you’re a dude, never yell, “Take it off.” Unless a woman has placed a tarantula or a scorpion on one of your shoulders, there’s no reason for you to yell, “Take it off!” I’ve seen dudes yell “Take it off” in a strip club! She has a routine planned. She’s trying to tease you, you dumb motherfucker! What would you rather her do? Just, like, walk out there completely naked? Another thing… Another thing creepy dudes do… they’ll just follow women. You know what I’m talking about? Like, they’ll just see a woman and be like, “Okay!” And just follow ’em around for, like, a really long time. Terrifying. Raise your hand if you’re a woman and you’ve ever been followed around by a creepy dude. Raise your hand high! Raise it really fucking high! Everyone just look around and see how many hands are raised right now. Yeah, that’s way too many people. That should not be happening. One woman told me she eventually got rid of the guy by walking into a pet store where you needed to get buzzed in. I’m not sure why this pet store had such intense security… but, um… she said, she went in there and said, “Hey, there’s a creepy guy following me. Don’t buzz him in.” They’re like, “Okay.” And she said she just waited there until he left. And I was like, “Wow, how long did you have to wait?” And she was like, “Mmm, 45 minutes.” Forty-five minutes of her day gone ’cause this creep decided to follow her. God! But I get it, man, you gotta be safe. These guys are crazy. You never know, they may follow you to your home or your apartment where you live. And if you’re a creepy dude doing that, what’s your dream scenario at that point? Like, what’s your best-case situation? Like, what do you think’s really gonna happen? Like, the woman’s just gonna get to her door and just turn around, just like, “So… are you just gonna stand there… or are you gonna come up and fuck me?” That’s never happening. That’s never happening! There’s a greater chance of a tornado grabbing a woman and blowing her into your penis than there is of you somehow seducing a woman that way, you fucking creeps. What can you do for real, though, man? One woman told me a story that was kind of cool. She said, one time, she had a creepy guy following her and, uh, she saw another dude that she thought was like a good dude, and said, “Hey, can you pretend to be my boyfriend? I think there’s, like, a creepy guy following me. Can you pretend to be my boyfriend?” And the guy did it. And it helped her out and the creepy guy went away. I was like, “Oh, man, that’s really cool,” right? She had faith that this other guy would be a decent human being. And he was, and he rose to the challenge and it helped her out, you know? I would do that. If any woman in here was like, “Hey, Aziz, could you pretend to be my boyfriend?” I would do that shit, I would get into it. I’d be like, “I got this! What’s the situation?” “There’s a creepy guy following me.” – “Where is he?” – “He’s right behind us.” “Oh, fuck! He’s really creepy. He’s rather large as well. Are you sure we shouldn’t be seeing other people? Just kidding, I got this.” “What are you gonna do, Aziz?” “Oh, I’m gonna beat the shit out of this guy!” – “Really?” – “Yeah. But first, I need to run a quick errand.” – “What is it?” – “I gotta buy a dog. Let’s go in this pet store and wait about 45 minutes.” Clap if you’re in a relationship right now. Relationship folks. You know what I love about relationship people? I love how they tell the story of how they met their person. You know what I’m talking about? It’s a very specific type of storytelling where it’s like, “Oh… …and we’ve been together ever since.” That’s like a fun way to tell a story, right? But I don’t think it’s fair that frustrated single people can’t share their stories in the same manner, right? Like, those are more relatable stories. Like, I would love to hear a woman tell a story like this, “So, Rachel’s like, ‘Come get a drink. Come get a drink. Come get a drink.’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m not coming out tonight.’ She’s like, ‘You never come out. How are you gonna meet someone if you never come out?’ So, I’m like, ‘Fine!’ So, we go to the bar and there’s this really cute guy. He’s sitting by himself and he’s drinking a whiskey. And Rachel’s like, ‘Go talk to him. Go talk to him.’ I’m like, ‘No, I’m not saying anything.’ And she’s like, ‘You go talk to him or I’m gonna talk to him for you.’ So, I’m like, ‘Fine.’ So, I walk over… and I go, ‘Hey, are you waiting on someone?’ And he goes, ‘Yeah, I’m waiting on my girlfriend.’ So, I sat back down… and I haven’t seen him ever since!” That’s a story we can all relate to, right? Or what about a story like this, “So Bryan’s like, ‘Come on, man. Let’s go to one more bar. Let’s go to one more spot.’ I’m like, ‘I’m pretty beat. I think I’m just gonna call it. It’s like 3:45 in the morning. I’m gonna go home.’ He’s like, ‘No, no, no, no. This is a late night spot. There’s always girls there. You never know, you never know, you never know.’ So, I’m like, ‘Fuck it.’ So, we head to the bar and, uh, it was closed. Guess it was a slow night, so, uh, that was that.” Or what about a story like this? “So, me and her, we’ve always been really close, but, you know, nothing’s ever happened, never hooked up or anything, just been friends. And we’re out this one night, she’s just broken up with her boyfriend and we’re having a couple of drinks, and it starts getting a little flirty. Then it starts getting a little touchy-feely. Next thing you know, we’re back at my place and we’re having sex. And this is, like, amazing sex. It’s been, like, pent-up for years. And it’s one of those things that just felt right, you know? And at one point, she just looks me right in the eyes and she just says, ‘I don’t think we should do this!’ So… I pulled my penis out… we went to sleep, and it’s been an awkward situation for… it’ll be a year in August.” Those are the stories we can relate to. Being in a relationship, it’s tough. It’s a lot of work. But I think being single is even harder, especially right now. Very odd, frustrating time to be a single person. And I like the idea of being single in theory. But what does that mean? You meet a bunch of different people, you get to know ’em, you find someone you really connect with, hmm, maybe pursue something more serious. That sounds good, I would sign up for that. But that’s not what being single is anymore, right? This is what being single is now, “Hey, it was great meeting you. We should get together sometime.” “Yeah, that’d be great. Be in touch.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? You wanna grab some drinks tonight?” “Yeah, yeah, I’m with some friends in this neighborhood.” “Oh, cool. We’ll be down there soon.” – “Can’t wait to see you. Cool.” – “All right. Bye.” “Hey, what’s up? We’re almost there.” “Shit, we just left.” Why? Why’d you just leave? Isn’t that a rude, shitty thing to do? You invited me somewhere and then you left before I got there. “Maybe we’ll meet up tomorrow.” “Tomorrow is perfect. Text you later and make a plan.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? Should we grab those drinks tonight?” “Oh, drank way too much last night. Gonna stay in today.” That’s not what was discussed yesterday! Would you like a transcript of our conversation? You may scroll up on your phone. “Maybe we can meet up on Thursday.” “Thursday’s perfect. Text you later and make a plan.” – “All right. Bye.” – “Cool.” “Hey, what’s up? It’s Thursday. Should we get together tonight?” And that’s what being single is now. All that garbage. That’s what it is a lot of times. It’s pretty much like you’re a secretary for this really shoddy organization… trying to schedule the dumbest shit with the flakiest people. And I’ve realized this flakiness, it doesn’t even have to do with dating or anything. It’s actually a symptom of a bigger problem we all have. You know, we’re all part of the rudest, flakiest group of people ever. Like, if you’re alive right now and you have a phone, you’re a rude, shitty person. You just are. Like, has anyone here tried to make plans with anyone in the past couple of years? Has anyone tried to make plans with anyone? It’s the most frustrating experience. ‘Cause what happens anytime you ask someone to do something nowadays? It’s like, “Hey, you wanna do this fun thing?” “Maybe. Maybe, I could try. We could see about… maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe.” No one wants to commit to shit. ‘Cause they’re terrified that something better is gonna come along. It is so rude. Why do we do this? I think it’s ’cause we’re also part of the least lonely generation, the least isolated generation, you know? It used to be a big deal when you finally got to see your friends in person, right? Nowadays, it’s not as much, ’cause you’re always connected with your friends, you’re always– Wherever you are, work, school, whatever, you’re always texting, e-mailing, joking around. So, when you see them in person, it’s not as big a deal as it used to be. You know, now it’s like, “Oh, man, it’s so good to see you. I just went on this crazy vacation!” “I know, I saw all the pictures. Leave me alone.” It used to not be like that. It used to be a big deal when you saw your friends, right? Think about what you’d be doing, like, 40 years ago, you know. Think about what that would be like. What you’d be doing, like, on a Thursday night. You know, you’re just sitting in your house, by yourself… you’re in a wooden chair… eating a can of beans. You have nothing. You’re not connected to anyone. No entertainment. “Oh, uh, maybe I’ll listen to some music.” All right, just the music you own, or you can sit around and hope a song you like comes on the radio, and then grab a cassette and run over like a little bitch. “Oh, I missed the beginning!” Maybe you’ll stay in and watch a movie. All right, what’s it gonna be? Home Alone, Jurassic Park or Mrs. Doubtfire? That’s all you have. You have nothing! And then, in the corner of the room, you have your one outlet to the outside world, right? Your landline. And if you were lucky, at some point it would ring and you’d be like, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hello! Who is this? Phil, thank you so much for calling. What would you like to do? That sounds great! I’ll see you there at 8:00.” And you would be there at 8:00. And Phil would be there at 8:00. And if Phil wasn’t there by 8:15, you’d be like, “Oh, my God! Phil is dead. Phil has died! We were supposed to see Police Academy and now he’s dead!” ‘Cause that was the only polite way to cancel on people back in the day. You had to die. Now what do your shitty friends do? They’ll call you like an hour before. “Hey, you know, I’m feeling kind of tired. So, I think I’m just gonna stay in tonight.” “Oh, you’re tired? What, were you doing a bunch of manual labor? Were you, uh, building a habitat for humanity? Or…” “No, I just did one of those online surveys that tells you what character you are from a particular TV show. And I’ve done, like, seven of them, so I’m feeling kind of tired. And, you know, I’m just so tired, I don’t feel like driving and everything.” Hold up! You’re too tired to drive? The car moves. You don’t do shit, you just sit there. How is this a valid excuse? Did you recently purchase a Flintstones -type vehicle where you need to run along? I don’t believe you did. So now, when you make plans, you got to remember how flaky everyone is, right? You got to factor that in. You got to change your approach. You know, you look at my phone on a Sunday, when I’m trying to find someone to get brunch with, I look like a psychopath. It’s just like, “Hey, you wanna get brunch? Hey, you wanna get– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna– Hey, you wanna–” And it’s this weird list of my best friend to the shittiest person I’d eat pancakes with. But I get it. I get it, man. I understand why we’re like this. We all have the same nightmare. You know the nightmare. The nightmare is you do commit to doing the thing with Phil, right? And you get there, like, “This is fun, Phil. I’m glad I came. We’re getting to catch up and stuff. It’s good.” Then you get that phone call. “Dude, where are you? Biggie and Tupac faked their deaths. They’re doing a show right now. I have an extra ticket. Where are you?” “I’m upstate picking apples with Phil!” We all have that nightmare, and I do think there’s a new thing, where we always want the best, you know? Whatever we’re doing, we wanna do the best, funnest thing. Whatever we’re buying, we want the best. We have all these options, and we have all this information at our fingertips to research it. And we always want the best. Why not have the best? And a lot of times it’s very useful, right? I made some more educated decisions in my life. But, at a certain point, doesn’t that stuff become debilitating? Like, now it’s gotten to the point where before I make any choice or decision in my life, I have to google something to make sure I’m not fucking it up. You know what I mean? Like, the other day, I had to get a toothbrush. Before I left my house, without even thinking about it, I googled, “Best toothbrush.” That’s right, I’m about to get the best toothbrush. Why? Why do I need the best toothbrush? Every other toothbrush I bought on a hunch has been fine. Like, what is the big fear now? Have you ever run into someone with no teeth, and be like, “What happened?” “Bought the wrong toothbrush. Should’ve done more research!” And when you take these kind of mentalities and you throw ’em in the dating world, things get crazy, man. Things get really weird, you know. You people that are married, been in long relationships, you have no idea what it’s like out there right now. Everything has changed. Take your most basic problem as a single person. What is it? You like someone, they don’t like you back. Or the reverse, someone likes you, you don’t like them back. Okay, at one point in time, that used to be kind of a weird thing. It was awkward, it was a conversation, it was something you had to deal with, right? Now, what do people do? Someone likes you, you don’t like ’em back? Just pretend to be busy forever. That’s what people do now. They pretend to be busy forever, and then they conduct this strange psychological experiment, where it’s like, “Mmm, how much hope does this person have? How many times do I need to pretend to be busy before they realize this many scheduling conflicts is statistically impossible… and something else is going on?” Now, look, I don’t think it’s coming from a bad place. I think you’re trying not to hurt someone’s feelings, right? What are your other options? Um, you could say nothing and give people silence. Or you could just be honest with them. Those are your big three options, right? Clap if what you do is pretend to be busy. Clap if that’s your move. Okay. I’d say that’s my move as well, okay. Clap if what you do is, you say nothing. You give people silence. Okay, and finally, clap if you’re just honest with people. Okay, now let’s say the situation is reversed and someone else is dealing with you. How do you prefer they handle the situation? Clap if you prefer that they pretend to be busy. All right. Clap if you prefer that they say nothing, that they give you silence. Why the fuck would you prefer that? This is a hypothetical thing. That’s your preference? You’re into confusion? Sorry, this isn’t a good way to do polls. I shouldn’t shit on people after certain responses. I apologize. And finally, clap if you prefer that they’re just honest with you. I’d say I’m in that camp as well. Well, well, well, I think our findings are pretty clear, right? We’re all really shitty people. Whenever we’re dealing with others, we’re like, “I’m gonna pretend to be busy. I don’t wanna say anything.” When other people are dealing with us, we’re like, “Why must we all play these games? Can’t we all just be honest with one another?” And the other thing is, we all say we prefer honesty, myself included, but can we really handle honesty, you know? I talked to a woman once, she’s like, “Oh, I’m just honest with people. I don’t mess around. I’m just honest with people.” I was like, “Really? All right. I’m a guy, I ask you out for dinner, you don’t wanna go, what would you say?” She said, “I would say, ‘I’m not interested in getting dinner with you.'” And on one hand, that’s really nice, right? There’s no games there, you know exactly where you stand, you’re not wasting your time. On the other hand, though, could you imagine actually receiving a text like that? “Hey, you wanna get dinner sometime?” “I’m not interested in getting dinner with you.” God damn! What are you, a demon? That’s the meanest, coldest shit anyone’s ever said to me, okay? I’m a person. I have feelings, okay? I’m just a fellow human being that wanted to break bread with you and get to know you a little better. Is that such a horrifying situation? I was basically like, “Hey, you want some free food?” You’re like, “Not if your presence is involved. You got a gift certificate? I’ll go with my friend.” I don’t know what the best way to deal with it is, man. I do think it’s tough. I do think silence might be the worst, though. Silence to me seems like the rudest, most cowardly way to handle a situation. And it’s also the one that hurts the other person the most, right? We’ve all been on the other end of that. That’s the worst, man. The worst is when you meet someone you’re really into and you feel that connection. You know what I’m talking about? When you meet that person… “Oh, my God. We both felt that. No games this time, deep connection. No games, deep connection. No games… deep connection.” You send the first text, you’re all confidence. “Forget about it, it’s done. Wrap it up, put it in a bag, write my name on it… ’cause it’s done.” Twenty minutes later, no response. “Okay, well, I’m sure she’s just busy with a couple of things, and any minute now…” Three hours later, “Fuck! I put too many exclamation points in my text! What was I thinking? I should have said ‘Hey’ with two ‘Y’s, ‘ not three ‘Y’s.’ I’m so stupid!” Three hours earlier. You’re looking up vacation packages on Orbitz, you’re planning birthdays, holidays, a whole life together. And now it’s all gone away, and you have no idea why. And this is when people start going crazy. ‘Cause in the past, let’s say you’re in a situation like this, someone doesn’t call or write you back, you get over it with time, right? Out of sight, out of mind. The problem now is, we don’t give ourselves the luxury of out of sight, out of mind. ‘Cause what happens now when you get into one of these situations? We all become detectives. We start opening up tabs: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram. “All right, let’s see every single thing this motherfucker’s doing instead of texting me back. GPS on screen two! Instagram on screen three! Let’s see what they’re looking at right now!” And it’s a brutal thing to do to yourself. You should not do it because, ah, you’re in the most vulnerable position, right? You put yourself out there. You’re like… ♪ I like you, baby You like me ♪ Any guy or girl in that situation, that’s what they’re feeling. And you’re just waiting for something to put your heart at ease, but instead, you’re getting nothing. Then you go on the Internet, you’re reading stuff like, “Mmm, eating ice cream and watching Dexter. Hash mark, I really need a man.” “What? I just asked you out! You know I follow you! You know I’m reading this. What kind of evil is inside of you?” And it seems like an area where we could all be a little bit more thoughtful, right? Uh, ’cause, look, anytime someone asks you out, whether it’s a guy asking a girl or girl asking a guy, whatever the scenario, that person is paying you a huge compliment, right? They’re basically saying, “Hey, out of the infinite number of things I could do with my time, what I’d like to do is spend some time with you, ’cause I think there’s something special about you, and I’d like to get to know you better and see if there’s a connection there.” That’s a very nice thing for someone to say, I feel like you should respect that a little bit. So, maybe don’t post your dumb photos and stuff up. Like, you wouldn’t treat people that way 20, 30 years ago. Twenty, 30 years ago, if someone asked you out and you weren’t interested, you wouldn’t send a package to their house, “Here’s some photos of me and my friends at the beach. Here’s a photo of a puppy I saw on the street. Here’s a bunch of photos of me and some other guy. Am I fucking him? Maybe. Why don’t you think about that for a few hours?” So, that’s it, man. Anyone here that’s single, they have some version of that nonsense in their phone, right? Clap if you’re single and you met someone in the past few days, past week or so, and you’ve been texting back and forth. Clap if that’s your situation. Clap right now. Okay… If you’re in that situation, do me a favor right now. Pull out your phone and scroll to the very, very first message that you have with this person. And when you get to the very, very, very first message, come on to the front stage over here through this aisle here. So, go ahead, pull out your phone, scroll to the very first message, when you get to the first message, come to the front, right here, in front of this gentleman here. Miss, you at the top message? Yeah? All right, so how long ago did you meet this person? Uh, September 2nd. September 2nd. Okay, so let’s see what happened, okay? So… he sends the first message. He sends it Tuesday, September 2nd at 11:26 p.m. Odd time to send a first message. He says, “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it’s Chris.” He said his last name, but I don’t wanna repeat it in case he gets murdered. “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot.” I like that, “dot-dot-dot.” “Hey, Ashley…” “It’s Chris. It was nice to hang– It was–” It started so smooth. “Hey, Ashley, dot-dot-dot, it’s Chris.” And then he goes, “It was nice to hanging with you…” Chris, no! Proofread! “It was nice to–” His voice changes for the rest of the bit now, after that. Earlier, it was, “Hey, Ashley, it’s Chris.” Now it’s, “Hey, Ashley, it’s Chris. It was nice to hanging with you at BM. Hope you’re recovering well. Let’s grab a coffee sometime.” And then, you send a text back the next day at 1:05 p.m. You say, “Hey, exclamation. Glad you made it out alive. Headed to Soho House with Erica now. I’m also around after 6:00 tomorrow or in the afternoon Friday.” Whoa! You must really like this guy! Who the fuck… Who the fuck opens up their schedule that much? If the Dalai Lama was like, “I really wanna get tea with you sometime, Aziz,” I’d be like, “Uh, let’s just check in next week, Dalai Lama.” And so, then he sends a message Thursday at 11:55 a.m. and he goes, “I thought I’d see you at Marquee last night.” And then, he tries to send… Sorry, all these places sound kind of douche-y. I’m really sorry. No judgments here, but… It’s not like, “I thought I’d see you at that MoMA exhibit.” It’s like, “Why weren’t you at the club? There was a foam party!” And then… you guys text back and forth, you get the coffee. Did you guys get the coffee? – Uh, yeah. – And how was the coffee? – Did you have fun? – It was okay. Yeah? It was okay? All right, so let’s see where things are right now, okay? Yesterday, 9:44 p.m. “So, what did we miss at Marquee last night?” God damn it, Ashley, go to some better places. Quit wasting your life in these shitty clubs. No, no, no, it’s fine. And then he says, “Is that what you’re up to tonight?” And then you say, “I’m on my way to the Aziz show at MSG.” And he goes, “Oh, okay, dot-dot-dot. Enjoy.” Ashley, I think I speak for everyone here when I say, “Fuck this guy.” Thank you very much for sharing that with us, Ashley. So, that’s it, man. That’s what everyone has to deal with now. When they meet someone, they have to engage in that kind of stuff. And I was in that world for a long time. And it can be fun, but it can get frustrating. And now I’m in a different world, now I’m in a relationship, and the rela– Don’t do that shit. Don’t clap. That is so rude to all the single people here. I used to do stand-up where I said I was single, no one ever clapped, no one said shit. No one was like, “Get it, Aziz! Fuck everybody! Now is your time!” Both things are very fun. It’s fun being single, it’s fun being in a relationship. They’re both fun, all right? But I’m in the relationship right now and the relationship’s going great. But it’s also fairly new, it’s about a year and a few months. I feel like whenever you talk to people in longer relationships, they’re always like, “Oh, my God. Those first few years are such a magical time. You have to enjoy that, it’s so amazing.” And it’s weird being in the magical zone, and knowing that the magic is gonna change soon. You know what I mean? Like, right now, things are crazy. Like, right now, um, you know, last time I was in New York, there was a bad snowstorm, and I stepped in this huge puddle of sludge and my foot got soaked. And the first thing I did was I sent her a text. I said, “You know how you feel days like today, when you step in a puddle of sludge and your foot gets soaked? Every second with you, it feels like the pure opposite of that.” Aw! And yes, that’s a little cheesy or whatever, but I’m just sharing that so you know, that’s where my heart is, right? But what’s weird is knowing that that text will eventually change, right? Like, people in long relationships, doesn’t that text eventually change? Doesn’t that text eventually become like, “Fuck! I stepped in some sludge. Do we have to get dinner with your friends? Can you tell them I died in a hovercraft accident? I never wanna see ’em again. Why do we always hang out with my friends? ‘Cause they’re better people!” But I hope we’re able to maintain some version of that love as things go on, ’cause it’s an amazing thing. It’s so beautiful to get messages like that. She sent me a message one time, she said, “You feel like home to me. Even if we’re in a hotel or something, I feel like I’m home, ’cause I’m with you. And when I wake up and I see your face, I remember that I’m home. That’s one of the reasons I love you so much.” She sent me that when I went away for five minutes to take a shit. You realize how awesome it is to be shitting and to read a message like that? It was like waste was leaving my body and love was coming in. It was… an amazing feeling. Did you guys know there’s actually two different types of love? There is, it’s true. There’s two different types of love. There’s passionate love and companion love. Passionate love is like the crazy love you feel when you first meet someone and you’re going crazy, you’re just like, “Ahh!” But that eventually calms down into something different called companion love, which is not worse, it’s just different, less intense. And, you know, it’s kind of a bummer, but I get it. I understand why we have the two different types of love. You couldn’t just have the crazy love your whole life, ’cause then society wouldn’t function, right? We’d all just be in our homes, just staring at each other like… And the streets would just be filled with homeless children eating garbage, riding large animals. I get it. So that’s why we have two different types of love. But when I first heard about that, I was like, “Wouldn’t it be interesting to just have the crazy stuff for a while? What would that be like?” Maybe, instead of having one long relationship, you have a bunch of shorter relationships. Your graph of love and happiness is just like, boom, boom, boom! But, you know, I don’t think you can do that graph. I’ve tried to do that graph, I’ve seen friends try to do that graph. And, yes, it can be a lot of fun for a while, but eventually that graph gets weird. You know, eventually that graph becomes something like this. You know, it’s like, “Oh, shit! Me and the boys, we’re going out tonight. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. Oh, my God, there’s so many hot girls here. Yeah, this one girl is really into me. Yeah, we’re going home together. Yeah, we’re having sex. Yeah, I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I’m coming! I came! This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty. I gotta get out of here! I gotta get out of here! This feels empty, this feels empty, this feels empty. Okay, okay, okay! I got out of there. I got out of there. I just got some brunch. I just got some brunch. I’m drinking some water, I’m drinking some coconut water. I’m getting hydrated. That’s right, I’m getting hydrated. I’m ready to run it back! That’s right! Night two, me and the boys, we’re going out tonight! This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be crazy. This bar’s gonna be– Okay, no one’s really out tonight. Okay, so, uh… More of a low-key type situation. Okay, me and the boys will just get drunk by ourselves. No shame there. Okay, it’s getting little bit weird, uh… We’ll just get some tacos. Tacos are delicious.” You wake up the next morning, “Oh, my God! Why did I eat three quesadillas then a bowl of cereal? That was really unnecessary. Okay, well… I’m just gonna go back to bed. I feel like garbage, and uh… God, you know, this is fun, hooking up with these hot girls or whatever, but frankly, I wish… I just had someone I really cared about, that I could hold. But I don’t have that person, so… I’m just gonna jerk off and go to bed.” So now, I’m trying the relationship graph. But the relationship graph is fucked up too. Like, if you take the traditional definition of a successful relationship, and you put it in that graph, that graph is fucked up too. This is that graph, okay? You meet the person… “Oh, my God, all these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these experiences are amazing! All these– Okay. Some of the experiences are getting repetitive. Some of the experiences are getting repetitive. But you know what? I love this person so much. We’re getting married! Yeah! We’re getting married! Oh, my God, we have a wedding! All our friends came! This is so fun! I can’t believe it! I’m a husband. I have a wife. Oh, my God, this is the great– Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, we just had a kid! Oh, my God, this is so hard! Oh, my God, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay, okay, okay! The kid’s walking around and talking and saying stuff. This is amazing. I’ve never felt so proud of anything in my entire life. Oh, my God, we just had another kid! Oh, my God, we just had another kid! Why did we stop using the birth control? That was so stupid! And why did we think it would be easier the second time around? This is not analogous at all! There is now two goddamn people at the same goddamn time! It’s so much harder! We gotta– Oh, my God, we gotta pay for all the stuff! How does anyone afford children? We gotta get them into a good kindergarten. What the fuck’s a good kindergarten? They just sing songs! Who is fucking that up? Okay, okay, okay, okay, we got them into the good kindergarten. We got them into the good kindergarten. We got them in. Now they’re in elementary school. They’re drawing pictures and stuff, this is pretty cool. Okay, now they’re in adolescence. Oh, these kids are fucking pricks! I fucking hate these kids! I want them to die! I want them to die! I want my whole family to die! I don’t really want them to die. I just wanna feel what it would feel like to murder every single person I live with. Okay, I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Okay, now they’re in high school. They’re in high school now. This is good, they’re in high school, a little bit older. I can hang out with them. Oh, God. One of the kids might be having sex. Yeah, he might be doing drugs. I gotta put spyware on his phone to make sure he’s not messing around. This is my life now. I gotta read this mess whenever I get home from work. ‘Hey, what’s going on?’ ‘Nothing. You wanna come hang out later?’ ‘Maybe.’ ‘All right.’ ‘Well–‘ Will you fucking buy some weed already so I can justify this use of my time? Okay, okay! One of the kids is going to college. He’s gone, he’s gone. Oh, shit, the other kid’s gone. They’re both gone. It’s just us in the house together again. We’re spending time together again. We’ve refound our passionate love! Finally, we can travel the world! I’m too tired to travel the world. Let’s just take it easy. Let’s just take it easy. Let’s just take it easy in the house. It’s fine. We got the house to ourselves. This is good. You know, it’s okay. It’s kind of boring, but it’s good. We don’t have to work and stuff. It’s okay. It’s fine, the kids come to visit every now and then, it’s okay. Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God, my wife is sick. Oh, no, my wife’s sick. Oh, no, my wife just passed. Oh, God, I’m all by myself. I’m so alone. Oh, God, I’m sick now too. I’m sick now too. I can’t even walk. I can’t even walk. I’ve walked my entire life, and now I can’t even walk. But now I get to get one of those Rascal scooters! I’m gonna drive that motherfucker everywhere!” New York, thank you so much! Thank you again for coming out, I really do appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you. You guys can sit down. Thank you so much. Um, serious question here. Has anyone here ever seen a ghost? I love ghost stories. Someone once told me and my girlfriend this really scary ghost story about a little boy. And it was so scary, and she gets really scared of ghosts. So, I started doing this thing where every now and then we’re asleep, I’ll just wake her up in the middle of the night and I’ll just be like, “Hey. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, boo… what’s that little boy doing over there?” And she hates it! And I love it! And I do it all the time. What I’d really like to do, though, one day, is… And this is like something… I don’t know if it might be too messed up to do, but, um… She’s, like, the nicest, sweetest person. Anytime I need a drink in the middle of the night, she’s always like, “Oh, I’ll go down and get it.” I’m always like, “No, no, it’s fine. I’ll get it.” But what if, one night, I was like, “Yeah, can you go down and get it?” And then she goes downstairs, and there, unbeknownst to her… I’ve hired a little boy. And he’s wearing, like, old-timey clothes. And as soon as she gets downstairs, he’s just like, “Mommy, where have you been?” I wanna do it so bad! But I can’t. I’ve thought it through, there’s three reasons why I can’t do it. One, I would never wanna scare anyone that bad, right? That’s a terrifying thing. Two, if I did pull it off, I’d live in eternal fear over what the fuck she was gonna do to get back at me. ‘Cause I’m pretty sure she’s not gonna let that one slide. And three, this is probably the biggest reason not to do it, she would murder the little boy. Like, the little boy’s dead. So, I don’t think I can do it. I’m a good boyfriend, though. She’s never really been upset with me about anything, that I can think of. The only time I remember she was kind of mad was once, when I was flying from New York to New Zealand. I was gonna be gone for a while to go to a wedding. I was calling her when I was on the plane to talk to her before we took off, and I got her voicemail, so I texted her. I was, like, “Hey, it’s me. Just wanted to talk before the flight took off.” And she texts me back and says, “I called you four hours ago.” And I could tell she was upset, ’cause she also included the emoji of the Indian guy with the gun beside his head. This tipped me off. So I called her back and I was like, “What’s up with that? Why you gotta say that? What did I do?” She’s like, “I called you four hours ago.” I was like, “I know. I was busy packing and everything. I knew I’d have time to call you when I got on the plane. That’s why I waited.” She’s like, “Oh, you were busy? You were busy. Well, I looked on your friend’s Instagram and he posted a photo of you hanging out by the pool, snapping Polaroids. So, I feel like, if you have time to hang out by the pool and play with your Polaroid camera, I think you have time to call me back.” And I was like, “Okay, I’m sorry.” Cut to a week later. It’s Valentine’s Day, I’ve done all this romantic stuff, and it’s time for us to exchange gifts. I have her gift, it’s all wrapped up, and I’m just like, uh… “So, hey, remember, like, a week ago, you were upset that… I didn’t call you back and I was hanging out by the pool, playing with a Polaroid camera? Well, the reason I was doing that is, I bought you this nice vintage Polaroid camera and I just wanted to make sure it worked before I gave it to you. So, here’s your gift.” Fuck you! And she felt horrible, which is the greatest Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever received. New York, thank you again! This was awesome. Thank you guys again so much for coming out. Thank you very, very much. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. This was fucking awesome. Thanks. Good night. These are my parents. Thank you again. Good night."
1686241615-80,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dylan Moran: Off The Hook (2015) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dylan-moran-off-the-hook-2015-full-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome to the stage Mr Dylan Moran. [CROWD CLAPPING] [CROWD CHEERING] Hey! Hello! Thank you! Hello, thank you very much for coming out, thank you for leaving your computer screens and all the arguments you were refining at home, I am very glad you came. Um, now you people, all of you here are the survivors, as far as I am concerned. You are the people who are tough enough to live in London. I didn’t quite make it, I tried it some time ago, but, you know, you need a lot of grit, a lot of gumption. You’ve seen people who wimp out. They move to Kent or whatever and they still think that they’re sort of, you know, in the mix, and they’re not, you know that. They’re finished, they’re not even human beings. You’re glad to see them go, that’s it, you didn’t have what it takes, you couldn’t handle the irony before lunch. Jazzercise for dinner. Didn’t have that thing in you, that makes you hungry, that gives you what you need to live in a paper cup at the bottom of somebody else’s garden in Balham. You gotta have that thing. Twelve hundred pounds a month, it’s a fucking bargain. ‘Cause it’s tough, you know it’s tough here, look at the faces outside. Look, the streets are thronged with people who look like they haven’t been able to take a shit in years. It is tough out there, you know it. Everybody’s here, everybody. Everybody came from everywhere. That’s why all those right wing parties all over Europe, we have one here in Britain, UKIP, telling people to stay away, people. Going, “Stay away!” They’re never going to succeed long term anywhere, because, you know what, everybody goes everywhere, you may have noticed. And we need them, we need everybody. We need all the people that come here. We need all the people from the east, clever, ingenious people from Eastern Europe that came over. A lot of suspicion at first. These are ingenious people, look at what they did after the second world war, after 1989. These people didn’t have a whole lot in a lot of these countries. Their inheritance was, you know, half a cabbage, a rusty spoon and a cow with a cough, so… They had to think and make it work and they did, and now they’re here and people were suspicious for superficial reasons. You know, just because their names look like wifi codes. It’s a name, what does it matter? Does it matter? These people can pickle anything, of course you need them. Nowadays, when you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, they’re always a villain because of one man, because of Putin. Everybody else is a villain all of a sudden, if you see a Russian in a Hollywood movie, he has a scar, it starts here, it goes over his face, over all the furniture in his apartment, out into the street, he doesn’t have a left hand, he just has a blender or something, and all he says is, [IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] “Since I come to your country, “it’s very easy for me to make bomb, “from old cereal packet and dead cat, “ha ha ha ha ha.” You need all the voices. You need American voices, you need the American voices from the further west to counteract our European attitude, ’cause those people are so positive, they’re who walk around going, [IN AMERICAN ACCENT] “Giving it 100%, 5,000%, I’m so glad to be here. “Are you good? Hey, how are you? Are you good?” To us that sounds like a threat. What is this giving it 100% stuff, we’re European, we give it 11% okay, that’s it. If somebody you know is on fire in front of you, maybe, you’ll knock it up to 13, but that’s it! But we need them. Even here within these islands people have suddenly gone all suspicious. I live up in Scotland, okay. You know, the other place. It’s become this weird division now, where people are regarding each other with a lot of suspicion, and wariness. You need all the voices of these parts. You need Scottish voices, these people are very good to talk with and argue with, they’re very good at catching you out, they’ll get you on a technicality even at 2 a.m., in a pub. If you listen to them they are very, very refined in their thinking. They’ll say, [IN SCOTTISH ACCENT] “Actually, you’re talking radioactive piss.” The Welsh people, of course you need the Welsh people, the Welsh people have sort of been side-lined because of what’s going on between England and Scotland. Wales is the traumatised child in the car being driven around by the bickering couple looking out the window going, “Oh please!” And you need all the voices, you need Welsh voices, they have the best voice in the world for breaking bad news gently. [lN WELSH ACCENT] “Well, it just sort of exploded you see, it just, “it was fine one moment, we were there and now we don’t go near it, it’s just…” You need, you need English voices, of course, you need English voices. They are very reliable voices for explaining why nothing works. [IN ENGLISH ACCENT] “It’s never worked, it’s always been like that, “it’s fine we like it, don’t touch it.” And you need, you need voices from the Republic of Ireland, of course, ’cause they’re the best excusers in the world. The most carefully crafted excuses that ever existed. People say, [IN IRISH ACCENT] “Oh well, now we would have had it, “but my brother gets wet very easily.” You need voices from Ulster because… I wasn’t actually doing this thinking everybody would be here, but you are, that’s okay. You need that really amazing voice from there because that just sounds like a brain talking to itself, you don’t know what’s going to come out next, it’s like a Van Morrison song. [IN NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT] “l was just there alone with my grapefruit, you know, “so I put it on a piece of wood, I like it in a box. “I go synchronised swimming by myself, you know it saves on the cost. “l haven’t slept in 17 years…” The point is, you need all these people, because people are always blaming other people for the crisis and you are constantly told there is a crisis, we’re in a major crisis all the time, because of the rolling news culture we live in, financial crisis, the collapse happened in all the fun countries, places where you go to have a good time, Portugal, Ireland, Greece, Spain, you know. Places where people run around in front of you and go, “It’s nice, I make! “You sit, eat, drink, it’s nice!” West of Ireland, very dependant on tourism, and, um… The… You need everybody. The thing is you know, the crisis come and go and you blame this person or that group of people, but the ultimate crisis never changes, it’s always the same. You know, and that’s that we’re all going to die. We’re all going to die, all of us. Yeah, I’m sorry that’s a spoiler, but we are, we’re all going to die, and people hate it when you say it out loud. Most of the time they hate it, especially if you’re having sex. If you’re afflicted with that condition that makes you go, “We are all going to die!” every time you cum, it’s very hard to get the mood back. But we are, and we are all, you know, there’s no point blaming everybody else ’cause we’re all ultimately alone, as well. Here we are, hot fleas in the gulping dark. We are alone. ‘Cause people don’t really have religion any more, you know. You don’t really have religion in this country anywhere, I mean, you know, the Christian religion doesn’t really exist in a big way here. You never really had it, to be honest. We had it in Ireland, that was religion. What you had was a dressing up box with some cardigans with holes in the elbows, everybody would meet up and have some ginger nuts and sing a few tunes and go home, we had religion. The thing that makes you feel bad from the moment you’re awake with God squatting on the end of your bed with his fist pressed between your eyes going, “Wake up, shit bag!” That’s religion. Now that was a very confusing time for a lot of people. I grew up in the ’70s in Ireland and it was intense, the religiosity of the whole country, you know, it was confusing if you were young. I remember saying to my granny, “Granny, how many priests do you have to blow to get into heaven?” And of course, she was an older person, she didn’t want to talk about these things. She would go, “Oh, stop it now, eat your tea,” but I was persistent, “Come on, Granny, how many?” And she would go, “Oh, I hate putting a number on these things “about 40! Now come on, eat!” But that’s not really around, so much, any more. Religion, people are very pleased that religion doesn’t exist. Secular people are delighted, they are thrilled with themselves, their material view of everything, congratulating themselves in the queue outside the Apple shop, which lights up the street the way churches used to, filling in there, feeling the shame, shuffling in because they have the old phone. They go in there to be told how to be liberated by the high priest who are all dressed in black with their piercings and ponytails who explain how the new pocket altar will release them from their earthly burdens. “Now it’s fox, pinker and humptown, “you can upwind monkey fuck on trickle back.” “Oh, great! “l didn’t know what I was doing there for a while, “you’ve completely set me free, thank you so much.” That’s the new religion. My son comes in, he’s completely, excited, you know, he’s 12 and everything, that whole generation is excited about all this technology but he’s kind of ambiguous about it, as well. He knows it’s not real fun a lot of the time, but he goes, “Oh, look, you’ve got to see this game or this app, it’s really interesting.” I grab it off him and I say, “Get out of here, “go and play, go and fall out of a tree, have a fight. “Don’t phone me until you’ve been arrested. Obviously, on a landline from some station. “Come on, this is just gonna waste your time.” Three hours later it’s me stood there going, “Haha!” On Candy Flaps or whatever that thing is. I looked up recently, it was one in the morning, I thought, “What am I doing with my life?” Species are being wiped out, glaciers are melting, somewhere somebody is eating a Swiss roll, and I am doing this, what the fuck am I doing? You know, life is so brief, here we are, there are four ages of human being, child, failure, old and dead, that’s it! That’s all you have. You have to be here and enjoy it. So I said, “What am I doing?” and then I realised I had to get to level 19 or it would all be meaningless. Now, of course people want distraction, of course we do, because reality is pretty tough stuff. The news, you know, all that stuff, the so-called Islamic state people. I tried to look for, you know, some bright points with these people, that’s a bit of a struggle, you know. At the beginning I was watching them and going, “Oh, come on, you scamps. “Stop it now.” But they don’t even take weekends. Somebody needs to tell these people they are seriously interrupting brunch for a lot of people. You look at them and you think, “Oh, my God, this is so bleak, this has got to be peak bleak. “I can’t… I don’t know who I am any more. “I can’t stand this,” you look at it and I don’t even know which snack to eat with which war. Look, say what you like about fundamentalist death cults, they go very well with the heavier cheddars. But you do think, “l don’t know if I can take much more of this shit.” I don’t really watch the news any more. I just have two old men sitting at the end of my room staring at each other, on the hour, every hour one of them shouts at the other one, “Terrorist!” And the other one shouts, “Paedophile!” And then a woman walks in between them and says, “Rain expected.” I’ve got it pretty much covered, I think. No wonder then that people look for other things to watch. Television, you know, all kinds of shit television. Television which was invented in Scotland, of course. My Scottish wife, we live in Scotland, reminds me all the time about all the amazing things Scotland has invented. It goes on and on, lists of things that you depend on every single day of your life, you’re not even aware of. Monkeys, steam, paella, lightning, kung-fu, pubic hair, the list is endless, and… Golf, that’s another one. Golf, you get that at the end of your working life, you’ve worked for 45, 50 years, that’s your reward. You get to hit the tiny ball into the tiny hole four miles away behind the tree using a shoe horn, well done you! To show everyone how into it you are, you have to wear these sexually repellent clothes, so they know just how hard you’re avoiding your wife, well done! But they also invented television which people are very addicted to in terms of distraction, you know. I started watching a lot of television in the last year or so, ’cause I gave up smoking, okay? Yeah, thank you very much, but the thing is, that’s… That revealed to me how exposed I was, ’cause it’s a prop, you know, you depend on something, putting something in your mouth all the time. It’s a screen against the world and so on, and I suddenly felt incredibly alone and depressed, you know, but it’s okay we can talk about depression now, that’s okay because of all the lovely celebrities who’ve come on and talked about their therapies and treatments, they’ve normalized it, and it’s fine now, you can talk about it. Although, I did notice when they were talking about it I felt the same way I feel when I listen to my own friends talk about their depression which is, “You don’t know what you’re fucking talking about. “My self-loathing is much worse than yours. “What’s that you say? “Face down in a pool of Cocoa Pops all day Wednesday? “I wish I had the strength for that.” But it’s good to be able to talk about it, and then, of course you get depressed, of course you get depressed, look, life is hard sometimes, you know? That’s why we don’t want to spend time alone, some of you came here alone and will return home alone and that’s okay but most people are trying to avoid that ’cause they’re afraid of their own thoughts. Have you ever had a bath? That goes on a bit too long, doesn’t it? By the end of that you think, “Get me out of here! “It’s enough, get me out! “I’m alone and I’m wet, I have to dry myself, I hate this bit, “so tedious. “Why do I have to manage all this pork?” And then… I don’t even remember what I was talking about now. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, we’re just talking. Um… Oh, distraction, that’s it. And then… I don’t know where I… Reminder came from but the um, but that’s, I mean, that is something that people do. You drink, drugs, food, shit television, amazingly shit television. The things people watch in this country. Everybody goes on about how Britain makes the best television in the world, it does, but David Attenborough is not responsible for everything. So there’s some extraordinary crap out there. The thing, the baking thing, people are baking and they’re talking about it, baking, bake, bake up. That thing. Cake is a beautiful thing. Why fuck it up by talking about it? The, the whole point of cake is to shut people up! [CROWD CHEERING] You’ve got a cake, it’s a, it’s, it’s, it’s it’s a semi-religious moment, you don’t ruin it by standing there and going, “l did cream and sugar and…” Just shut up and eat it! What’s the other one, that the, the, the you must dance, dance with the old man, get in and dance with the corpse, that one. Who, what genius came up with this? And people are watching this. What’s wrong with them? I mean look at the austerity, the cutbacks, the schools, the funding for hospitals and all that stuff. If you wanna cut stuff back, shut that shit down. If you absolutely have to watch something that stupid… [CROWD CHEERING] If you have to see something, if you need to zone out of your own life so badly, save the money, just draw some smiley faces on cocktail sausages, cram them into Christmas decorations and rattle them on a tray. People will watch anything. I travel around in these hotels, turning on the telly looking for local news and Jeremy Kyle comes on. Who’s watching this horrible man? Somebody… He’s like a drunk seagull, badgering pregnant voles with his beak. [MIMICKING] “You did, didn’t you, you fucked him, didn’t you? You did?” He should be strapped to the front of a fast car and driven into a big hole. But… The, the, the way… No, stop with the… Hang on just… So sorry, wait. The whole clapping thing is great for you, I know you’re there okay, I know, if you… Now, you’re annoying me now. Just… If you’re enjoying this, just give each other a hug, okay. I don’t… ‘Cause l, I talk quickly, I forget. If you clap I’ll forget stuff, okay and the laughing also, we could take that down a bit. They… People will watch anything! Twilight, pale teenagers sucking the lifeblood out of everybody around them. Where is the escapism in this? Anything. Game of Thrones, which has been running for 35 years by my calculation. I can’t look at that, I can’t watch the, the little hunchbacked man put on the amulets and the thongs and the swords and the helmets and the pelmet and the cloak and the daggers and the necklace of dead crows’ arseholes, just to crawl up the hill and go, “The boats are coming.” Oh, please. Do something with your life. People, people engage with this stuff ’cause it’s easier than talking to the people they live with, you know, it’s not so intense. You know, House of Cards or whatever, Francis Underwood isn’t going to turn around to you and go, “Why did you eat all the ham in the fridge, you fat fuck?” You know, you watch these things for years. So that’s what I was doing when I wasn’t smoking, I was watching television, I did some of these drawings as well ’cause you have to do something with your hands you know, you can’t masturbate all day long, I mean that’s… You know it’s, it’s easier if you’re a woman or something, you just hook yourself up to a clock radio or something and wait till it goes ding and you’re done. If you’re a guy it’s complicated, you have to get tarpaulin and ropes and secure the perimeter. I don’t want to get involved in all that shit. So… The… Mainly what I was doing was I started, I was watching a lot of television, a lot of television, and I realised, you know… Do watch the… You sort of absorb voices from around the world anyway. That’s why the people who are trying to keep people out of countries, they’re really not going to succeed long term because not only is everybody everywhere, you’re globalized, they’re in your head, all these voices, little cartoon representations of all the cultures in the world. I realised this ’cause I was doing one of these drawings one day and I thought… I was quite pleased with one of them and I found out I have an African-American man inside me. I didn’t know this but I do. ‘Cause I did one of the drawings and before I knew this or thought it I heard myself say, “That pretty.” Now I didn’t know that was going to happen. But the point is you’re in there, all the people are in there, you have a crew in there. When I was eating in the house, I was eating all the time, all the time and I knew this, it was sort of building up, I began eating in a sort of pretty much semi-professional basis. So I would wake up, it was like I was being sponsored by rival teams of scientists, trying to see if it was possible to eat with your left and right hands all day and night and it is, it’s a question of focus, you have to commit. I was walking around, putting things in my mouth ’cause it’s comforting. I mean babies know this, they come out, they look around, they see it’s a stressful world, they go [MIMICKING CRYING] and they go to the breast and they stay there, they don’t take calls or meetings or anything. They just go, “l don’t want to hear about it numnumnum…” “This is all… I don’t like, numnumnumnum…” “l understand this, the rest of it I’m not so sure.” We should have a giant tit on the wall of every office in the country. If you get stressed out, you can just zip your desk over there, your whole chair and desk and go, “I hate Peter!” “Numnumnum…” “The fucking printer’s out of ink again, for fuck’s sake. Numnumnum…” It calms you down. Putting things in your mouth calms you down. Most of the great times in your life were about putting things in your mouth. A lot of the time. You know, it goes through all your life, not just food but drinks and alcoholic drinks and cigarettes and body parts of people you admire, sometimes all at the same time, some mash potato and vodka martini and, “Hey, you busy?” You know, it’s calming and of course I started getting fat. And that’s what happens. You know, I started creeping up on myself from behind and around, getting cuddly in all the wrong places. Nobody wants cuddly eyes, nobody. And I was deluding myself as well ’cause I was telling myself, “It’s culture, “it’s just part of culture, you know.” You can pretend it’s cultural by having lots of cheese and wine and asking where everything is from. Great big pile of stinking cheese there, “Oh, and where is the cheese from?” “Who cares where it’s from, “it’s here now, “people are fleeing the building, “windows are melting, eat this shit before it kills us all, will you?” “No, I have to know where it’s from. Oh, the Catalan cave cows. “Oh, I love them, “they’re so musical, thank you so much, numnumnumnum…” Eating all the time, walking around eating. I had a drone of self-disgust watching me at all times as I was annihilating any possible moments of thought by eating all the time. “Look at him, look at him, “he’s buttering something as he’s still chewing the other thing.” How disgusting can I get? I am preparing for the next oral event even though I am still in one. Oh, God, I’m disgusting. Look at me, I make sex noises from the strain of buttering the toast. [GROANS] I am vile. “Quick, your wife is coming, hide! Take the hummus.” And… So disgusting to yourself. It’s terrible. This is how religion must have started in early cave times somebody had a tiramisu all to themselves, they finished it and they hung around going, “Oh, God, I’m so disgusting.” And somebody came around the corner and said, “God thinks so too.” “Oh, really, can I meet him?” “No, I’ll tell you what he thinks, “just give me money.” That’s how it began. So, all the time, all the time, all the time. And uh, you know, ’cause the, the mouth is just… It’s good to put things in there. You know, the ear, you can kill half an hour putting things in your ear, tops really. If you use every available orifice and you’re with a friend, maybe two hours tops. But once one of you has the dodecahedron up there and the other one has the triangle, it’s time to hit town and get lunch, you know, so… But I was deluded, I was deluded by my own snobbery ’cause I kept telling myself, “Well I’m getting uh, yeah I’m getting a bit fat, I am.” “That’s the way it is. But I’m still, I’m interesting fat, I’m European fat. “This is interesting, existential, detective, delicatessen fat. “Somebody wandering around, moodily chewing on a piece of prosciutto “as they wander down to the docks to see if the doughnut boats are in. “It’s not like I’m American fat. I’m not one of those guys, one of those huge people. “They wouldn’t even know if they had a monkey hanging from their cock, “too busy blodging around going, ‘ls there any more? “‘Any more cheese? I just want to eat it until I can feel my heart beating in my face.”‘ Um, but you know it just comes, it just comes to you anyway, you suddenly get seriously uncool, that’s how age functions, everything is sort of the same, everything is the same for ages you know, it’s like you’re there and you’re talking to your friend and you’re going, “Yeah, yeah, anyway and we did this and we did that and…” You know, Madonna is there reassuringly in the background going, # Like a virgin # [SCATTING] “And then, so we did this…” And then, you turn around and suddenly it’s Nicki Minaj going, “Ha ha, ha ha!” It’s a totally different kind of poetry and you just… The world has changed around you, and you are older, older, because the middle-age bus arrives. Nobody knows it, nobody wants to get on, it just comes for you, screeches to a halt right beside you, “It’s time to get on.” You don’t want to. Everybody gets on resisting, going, “Not me, “I’m too young, I don’t want to get interested in architecture, please, not yet!” “Oh look, an inscription, argh it’s happening, help me somebody!” And then you’re taken away to become a different person. And it’s alienating and frightening because you start liking things you don’t like. Quiet music, “Mmm,” “Put that Buble bullshit on again, I really like that.” You never liked it before, and now you’re going… [SCATTING] Serial killer music. That’s what’s happening in a serial killer’s head when they’re sawing somebody else’s off. [SCATTING] Ripping the spine out and playing Jenga with the vertebra… [SCATTING] Vaginating the bladder and making a hat… Let’s not get into details. The… The things appeal to you that used to disgust you, why else do people vote conservative? That must be what happens, it must be what happens to people. [CROWD CHEERING] ‘Cause they suddenly get, they start getting attracted to the, to the semi-repellent things. It’s like the really, really strong cheese and conservatism are basically the same thing. Um… A cruise, the idea of a cruise. I mean that would have made you just vomit all over yourself. And then suddenly you’re going, “Oh, yeah, travel without moving, I’m in.” “l can just be there like a starfish, “every hour and a half somebody will come and pour gravy all over me, yeah. “Where do I sign?” So yeah, you become this older person and it is quite odd, you know, and you can feel young people judging you to a degree. ‘Cause I’m at the other end of the telescope now. I remember… A lot of young people here, I remember being in my twenties, looking at people my age going, “What is wrong “with these, those people, why are they so weird?” “Why are they so shapeless and sexless?” “Why do they talk about renewing their car insurance for 45 minutes.? “What the, what the fuck are they up to?” “They must be smarter than that, what are they doing?” “Why are they so deliberately bland?” But now I’m here, I can tell you what’s going on. This is what’s going on, death becomes real and you think, “Maybe he won’t notice me “if I don’t experience anything intensely.” You just… All the gestures you used to have, all the big denunciations and accusations and declarations all the, “You!” and “Me!” and “That!” Suddenly just becomes, “Hmm, yeah, I know, kind of, yeah.” Um… He can’t kill you if you’re not properly alive, can he? Um… So, that’s why. And l, you know, I went to um, when I was eating all the time professionally, I would uh… My wife was really good about it, she didn’t refer… Never called it my stomach or anything, she would just sometimes mention, “The situation.” And um, sometimes she would say, “Why don’t you take the situation for a walk?” So, I would go to the supermarket ’cause you can eat there and nobody stops you, ’cause if anybody comes up to you, you can just go, “Fuck off, I’m going to buy it.” Um… And actually when I was there I found another voice inside me, this spirit guide, this elderly lady. And she looked after me. I think she was Asian but the main thing is she was wise. ‘Cause when I was reaching out for the thing I really wanted, the honey, nuts, cluster, fudge, fuck bomb, or the Iemon, coconut, apocalypse, ripple, yum-face dish, whatever it was, when I was reaching out she would leap into my frontal cortex and scream at me, [lN ASlAN ACCENT] “It’s a not for you, it’s not for you, walk away! “You go salad bar or some shit like that. Leave for other people, fatty!” She was there for me. More proof, if we needed any, that you need a team inside you. But you can’t go to the supermarket all the time, not all the time. So, one day I went to the art gallery and there was this old man there by himself and he was sort of quite striking, he was carefully dressed and looking at the work and walking around, obviously just you know having his own experience, and I am sort of moved by him ’cause he looked quite elderly and alone. And I thought “Oh, wow, that’s great you know, he is out and “registering his own responses, that’s how, you know, “how you should be living when you’re older.” And then he turned around and saw me and he sort of had this wrinkle of disgust in his face and moved away because I was wearing these crappy cut-off jean things, the sort of things that you paint a house in or bury a dog in. [CROWD LAUGHING] I had on these odd socks, a blue sock and a brown sock, ’cause I wasn’t paying attention when I was dressing and l’d cut the tops of the socks so my circulation still works. [CROWD LAUGHS] And I had some rubbish T-shirt on with stains and things, I didn’t look you know, as incredibly stylish as I do now, and he just maybe thought I was wandering around and he went away. And then this beautiful couple came in, people in their late 20s roughly and they were you know, tall elegant people, Iots of cheek bones and four elbows each and long and sinuous and elegant and wafting around, looking at the stuff. And then I saw them elbow each other and sort of point over in my direction and they were sniggering and then they disappeared, and I thought, “Well you know, they’re young, it doesn’t matter, “I’m a mature person that kind of thing doesn’t bother me.” But I’m not a mature person and it did bother me and I really wanted to find the young man again so I could tell him, “Listen, “this, all this, “do you think anyone chooses this?” [CROWD LAUGHS] “This just comes, this is for free, “this is the future, it belongs to you. “Right now you are walking around this art gallery with this beautiful young woman “and you’re talking about these paintings “and how they make you feel and she is listening. “You have peaked as a human being. Believe me.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “It doesn’t get any better than that. “You, you don’t know anything, “nobody chooses this, “l didn’t ask for one tit to be bigger than the other, -“I really didn’t.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “l never dreamed that one day I would be sitting on my couch with my one huge ab.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Covered in crumbs, listening to the sound of my own mouth breathing. “ldly watching Dragon’s Den, the invention programme thing “where somebody comes around and they pitch ideas, “waiting for the genius who will finally walk in with the discrete spatula, “the thing you thread through the arm of your jacket, “that goes all down through your clothes “and dislodges your bollocks from the side of your thigh “when you’re standing in the supermarket queue so you don’t have to do this, “‘Hey, Mrs Johnson, how’s it going?”‘ [CROWD LAUGHS] “But he hasn’t appeared, that particular genius hasn’t showed up yet, “men are still not free, one day somebody will figure out “how to quietly peel the octopus from the wall of the aquarium tank “but not yet!” [CROWD CHEERING]     “I didn’t ask for any of this! “Sonny Jim, okay! “You sit around on Sunday mornings propped up on your elbow, “looking at your beautiful girlfriend brushing crumbs of toast “from her beautiful breasts with her coppery hair falling all around her shoulders “and she’s looking at you, thinking you know, “‘When are you going to get a job,’ as you talk about your fucking “starts ups and your pop ups. “And the organic runway and how you’re the eyes inside the bleeding edge of the cloud “and you’re going to deep dive your own dot bomb and all that shit. “And she’s thinking, ‘When is this guy ever gonna earn any money “‘or am I gonna pay the rent by myself ’til we’re both dead, is that the deal?’ “And a few years later you’ll have a child “and she’ll walk up to you one day after an argument and say, “‘Here, hold the kid, I’m going for a walk,’ “and you won’t be sure if she’s ever gonna come back. “And then a little while after that you’ll start waking up in the morning “and putting your hand in the sock drawer “and pulling out and putting on whatever is in there “as long as it’s not a bra or the torso of an action figure. “You don’t need a bra anyway ’cause your t-shirt has ridden up overnight “and sits nice and snuggly there where you need it.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “And you’ll just be glad to be alive. “You don’t know anything right now, “all you know is romance, that’s the easy stuff! “Standing around your loft apartment, you’re both dressed in white “throwing each other annoying looks all day long. “The cats are walking over the piano “and giving each other more annoying looks, ‘Oh, I know you, you know me, “‘l know you, we have made love 10 minutes ago, “‘we will probably do it again in another 10 minutes, “‘l know you and your crazy genitals.’ “The cats are drinking espressos and reading the Sunday supplements.” [CROWD LAUGHS] “Let me tell you something, when you really know somebody, “when you both really know each other you don’t look at each other at all! “You don’t need to, you can feel each other walking into the postcode. “It’s like that old song ‘why do birds suddenly burst into flames.’ “I’m talking about love! “Not romance, “that thing that makes you grip your own skull and scream for death “and then look up and say, ‘Coming!’ “That special something that gives you the energy to go and “pick scatter cushions with another human being. “Even though you have no clear conception of what a scatter cushion might be “or why anybody would buy a cushion and throw it away. “You agree to do this even though the person you’re doing it with “has an inhuman degree of refinement in the act of choosing “and they look at you with an intense face and say, ‘What about this one, “‘do you think it’s green enough to be green, green?’ “ls that even a question? Can that be answered? “l don’t know. “‘What about this, do you think the waffles underneath it are creepy? “‘Feel them.’ ‘I’m feeling them, okay, I’m feeling them.’ “‘Are they creepy waffles?’ “‘l don’t know, to be perfectly honest with you.’ “‘But they’re creepy cause they’re underneath.’ “‘Well, couldn’t you turn it over?’ “‘Don’t be insane! “‘What about this one, do you think it’s weird?’ “‘Well, it’s a bit weird.’ “‘Why are you saying that, I knew you would say that!’ “‘Well, it’s made out of willow twigs and snow and krill, “‘it’s a little weird, it has a heron skull in the middle also.’ “‘l knew you would say that, you never let me get anything I want.”‘ But you know, you figure it out, it takes time but you figure it out. Basically, in any relationship you work this out, it took me years, one of you is Bert, one of you is Ernie. That is what it comes down to, one of you is really good at chopping up vegetables really small and explaining factional loyalties in the Middle East. And the other one is really good at saying, “Help! I’m locked outside, I can’t feel my arms!” [CROWD LAUGHS] Let’s have a little break, I’ll see you in a minute, thanks, bye. Thank you, thank you. Okay, now, so… I don’t remember what we, how we ended this the last… I don’t, but anyway, the um, this is my… I realised I am very lucky to have this job, um, you know I know lots of people that do similar stuff, they make things, they work in theatre, you know? People who come into places like this and they go… “Oh, I love this space, I love it! “ls there any way we could make it bigger and smaller at the same time? “Somebody get me a cappuccino, please, no coffee or milk. “I love this…” You know, tossers, they’re my friends. People are scared, the young people out there are worried about getting jobs and everything and you know, resentful also, not just thinking my generation is weird ’cause we’re middle aged but also resenting us ’cause you know, nowadays there’s no money, no jobs, the planet has about eight weeks left. Well, you know, we’re sorry and everything but we had a long weekend and it got out of hand. We needed iToilets, that’s what happened. You’re always whining, you lot though, I mean look on the bright side, you’ve got Mars, that’s exciting. You can pick out the bath mats for that and everything and enjoy the solar wind. We’ll all be dead but you’ll have a great time. I mean, my children are in the school system, they panic about jobs and what’s gonna happen out there, they freak out ’cause all the exam stress and all that stuff. They keep changing the exams and everything and they come in and say, look at this maths, what the… x-y=c and c is an integer and also maybe a negative value, hmm? What’s that? They’re panicking. I say, “Don’t panic.” They say, “Of course we’re panicking ’cause we’ve heard the news, “it’s hard out there, what do we do?” I say, “Listen, don’t panic, when we get panicky we get snappy “like you’re being right now, and also we get shaky. “We look for the little door under the stairs and we go in there “and we rock back and forth, don’t we? “Milk builds up at the front of the house, cats take over, we die, they come, “they kitten into our skulls and then “our corpses are found by future generations. “It’s distressing, so let’s not panic… “x-y=c integer, what’s it all about? “Look, here’s a pound, “you know almost instinctively “how many sweets you can buy with a pound, right? “Here’s the thing, here’s five pounds, “imagine how many teeth you can make explode with this. “I didn’t understand all that maths stuff the first time around, “I am not looking at it again, take the money, I’ll see you later!” ‘Cause, you have to be straight with your kids. It’s confusing out there. My son comes to me and he says, “Hey, Dad, can I get an ice-cream?” And I say, “Have you cleaned your room?” He says, “No,” I say, “Well no, “work and reward, that’s how it goes, no chore, no ice-cream.” He goes, “Yeah but Dad, I’m just talking about you know, a thinking person’s ice-cream. “No flake, no sprinkles, just you know, I’ve got to work a couple of things out. “Come on, Dad, I’m from the old country like you, come on.” I say, “Forget it! I’ve got a headache we’ve spoken about it so many times,” and he goes, “Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, “a ball of ice-cream suspended mid air, no cone or anything, “I’ll run around very quick underneath it. Come on, Dad, “be a mensch, don’t put it through the books.” And I say, “I’ve got a headache,” and he says, “Would you like an ice-cream?” “I would like an ice-cream actually.” “I can make that happen.” “Okay there’s the money, I’ll clean your room.” You have to have a system. You have to have a system. Now I wasn’t ready… I’ve got a fantastic daughter as well, 17 years old but she still takes the time, that’s the nice thing, she still takes the time to sit down beside me and go, “Ew! You’ve got hair in your ears, “you couldn’t get any more disgusting but you did! “Ew! “Here, I’m gonna take a selfie of your ear, look at that, “look at the pig’s bum on your head.” The thing is, you know, I wasn’t ready for children, of course I wasn’t, I’m a man, men are not ready for anything, men spend their whole lives going, “Huh, now? Really? Ah, okay, ah, ah…” That’s how they die. [WHIMPERING] Not ready for any of it. Women are ready, women imagine it, emotionally, imaginatively, they have a time machine, they can travel, and imagine possible futures, ’cause they’re interested in life, you know, they’re quite interested in living. Men are afraid of life ’cause it involves loss so, and change, and they can’t stand that. Women go, “Yes, maybe this, maybe that,” they imagine a possible future with children and they go, “Yeah, let’s do that.” They know the man’s not going to be ready, he goes, “Yeah, one day, not today.” ‘Cause men are really good at wanting things. They go around wanting things. “Where is all the stuff I want? Is it here? “No? Fuck it!” And children are really good at needing things, and that trumps wanting. Because, I mean, children have weird needs. I didn’t know the things they need, they need pets, it’s not a whim, it’s not a fanciful desire, it’s a need. For years the children were coming to me going, “Daddy, please! Daddy please!” “No,” I said, “be gone!” In my throne of skulls in the kitchen, “Leave this place!” “Daddy, please! “A little furry with eyes and it goes mm-hmm, “please!” “Leave now! Take your sister with you.” In the end, you know, I realised, it’s good for the children, of course it’s good for the children. The child is, you know, with the parents all the time, looking after it, and they are in charge of this child and the child has to do whatever they say, whatever is going on. “Eat the crazy food we made. “Oh, look we’re having an argument, what’s happening, nobody knows, “never mind, it will all be fine tomorrow, “probably, good night!” So of course the child wants a little creature it can look after and you know, care for and say, “Have you been a good guinea pig? Have you been good guinea pig? “Have you been good guinea pig! “How would you know, you have no moral compass! “Do this maths homework!” And… You know really, the other thing is, I mean it’s the way people learn about grief, that’s the other function of pets, that’s the truth of course. When you open the door of the pet shop, really what you’re saying is, “Which thing that dies do you want?” That’s the truth. So they chose a hamster and the hamster was this size, this size, okay? He ate my couch, and he… There was one leg left and some foam, that was it, grrr, then he ate the cables to the fridge, then he ate the Internet, and then he fucked off, gone. The pamphlet from the pet shop said look for a bad smell, we found 4859 different bad smells and no hamster. When we did find him, it was a week later in the hotel my children had made me buy him. He was dead at his desk, he had been writing prison poetry. Tiny bottle of Jack Daniels beside him and a pile of pills. Both hands down his shorts, he had been writing terza rima. And then of course we had floods of tears, all over the house, floods of tears, wailing, weeping, nashing and then more replacements. There was Dieter, Fenula, Cukoo, all these different people arrived, guinea pigs, hamsters arrived and they would last about seven minutes. They’d come in and go, “Hi, I’m so excited to be working with you people, “I’ve heard a lot about you here, very, very exciting time for me, ahh!” And they would have a stroke, that’s it, and then the tiny garden at the back of the house is a mass grave full of these fuckers. One morning my wife woke me up, I just heard this voice, Sunday morning, 7 a.m., midnight, right? And I am in deep communion with the pillow, the pillow is here, I hear this voice, “Dylan.” “What?” “Dylan, wake up.” “What, what is it?” “The rabbit.” “What rabbit?” [NOISES] “No, listen, the rabbit is dead!” [GROANS] “No, really! He is. “Listen, he has no head.” [LAUGHS] I had to get up. I went into the garden and there was this perfect rabbit, perfect! Not a hair out place, not a drop of blood not a blade of grass moved, no head! Nothing, and a five layer modernist fox shit right beside him. Might as well have had a card on it saying, “That’s how I do, I see you later!” It was amazing. The threat, and then we had to get a dog, they wanted to get a dog. “Dog, dog, dog,” “No, no, no, no, no.” I’m saying. Now, of course we have a dog, of course we do, because I’m the father, people don’t listen to fathers, that’s the truth. ‘Cause fathers are not considered people in families, they’re not. A big force, yes, an elemental force even, sure, but not a person. Look at the Christmas presents fathers get. Nobody knows who this guy is, that’s why they come up to him… That’s why they come up to him and they go, “Here you go, we got you a… what is it, “it’s a woolly penguin, you squeeze it and says ‘fuck’ in Dutch! “You might like it.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who he is. “It’s a giant clog made out of lunch meats from all over the world. “You get into it and it plays the Austrian national anthem. “l don’t know, we thought it may be your thing.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] They don’t know who the guy is. So, of course we have a dog. Now, I don’t want to be here standing, talking about my fucking dog either, okay, that was never the plan for me. I didn’t want a dog, I didn’t want to stand up here and talk about it. You know, I remember passing these guys in the hills around where we live. These guys standing there in their barber jackets with some huge animal on the lead, taking a shit in the weeds and they would look at you with this face as if to go, “What can you do, eh?” Well you could not look around for excuses for giving up on your dreams, you fucking loser, that’s what you could do. I used to think that, I didn’t say it, now I don’t think it, I just say, “Morning, Bob.” So, anyway… So we were going to get this pup, from this friend of mine, and… He wanted to meet in this coffee shop place near where he lives, so I went and it’s one of these places, and they’ve popped up everywhere, they’re everywhere now, London’s full of them. You know what I’m talking about, they’re really cool, and this stripped back wood, and just bare brick, no real furniture just coffee sacks, it’s too cool for furniture, just coffee sacks and half of an old surf board signed from the 1950s, something like that… Very intimidating ifyou are of a certain age. I walked in, I was the only person who did not have an Edwardian cricketers beard. Very excluded I felt and everybody has a lot of tattoos. Tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger, now there is the Book of Deuteronomy, and it’s becoming Lord of the Rings, it doesn’t stop, it just goes wrap around the whole, piercings everywhere, it looked like somebody’d gone by the building and just gone… [IMITATES SHOOTING] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] A lot ofvery earnest conversations, “Mmm, mmm, “yes, Hugo, we should, we should open a cauliflower bar, “we fucking should. “Yeah, brilliant idea, “a ukulele patio, that’s fucking great idea Miles. “Yeah, let’s do it, let’s crowdsource that shit.” People having those conversations, the tattoos, the piercings, one man with an actual javelin through his chest, nodding in the corner. So I’m very intimidated. I go up to the chief beard in front of his Harley Davidson coffee machine, there’s too many coffees, there’s too many different types of coffee. I wouldn’t… “Fetafetaggo”, I don’t want that, scaraccino, just give me a cup of coffee please. I say, “Do you put two shots in the coffee here?” He goes “Yeah!” Like I’d insulted generations of his family. I say, “Well, can I get it in a slighter bigger cup please, thank you,” and he went “Yeah, you could,” and he didn’t move. I thought maybe this is a new thing too so I just stood there looking at him, he didn’t move, thinking…. “Hmm. “Make it so… “l know you’re resentful of me and everything “because you have a degree in Marine accountancy or whatever it is, “and you have to pour coffee for a living but that’s the way it happens sometimes… “Just please, can you do this, what happens next?” And he is staring at me and he said, “You could, but you’re going to lose the umami-ness of the single origin bean.” That’s what the man said, okay. I said, “Okay, but you can still do it, right?” It was pretty neutral, very mature, isn’t it mature? Then he said, “Yeah, but it will get radially diffused on the camber of the cup.” I don’t know what I said then, ’cause we were on the street all of a sudden and he was saying some stuff about coffee, I was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe and in what possible continuum he might get laid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it ended with me walking away and him shouting after me, “Enjoy your attitude problem, enjoy your life.” So I was really, really mad, okay, I was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper. So I go to my friend’s house, and my friend is annoying at the best of times. He didn’t understand the situation at all. He’s one of these people that’s always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me what I should watch and read and what I should be doing and all, you know… “Have you seen the new Scandinavian crime series?” “l haven’t, no.” “It’s brilliant!” [FAKE SCANDlNAVIAN LANGUAGE] “It’s Finnish, it translates as ‘hush,’ “It’s about these… “It’s about these three detective fishermen who get trapped in the hut over the winter, “they’re all in love with each other, “one of them goes deaf because it’s so cold, “the other one gets fat because he’s got a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parka. “The other one is narcoleptic and insomniac, he spends the whole time just doing this.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “lt lasts for a year and a half, “you have to see it in the original Finnish otherwise you lose all the ‘nawaganas,’ “which is Finnish for nuance.” So, there’s all that, right, and he didn’t understand the coffee situation. He was just following me around going, “How can you argue with the coffee guy? “‘Hi, can I get coffee,’ how can you have an argument?” I didn’t want to talk to him. I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to sit down, and I tried to sit down on this woolly chair but it shat on me. And then he came running over, “Oh, you found the dog, “you found the dog!” ‘Cause he didn’t have a proper dog, you know, he had one of these modern fucking “fadududuru schnoodle” dogs. What happened to dogs? The dogs. You know dogs, Labradors, I grew up with those classic dogs. Labradors, it’s a human being in dog form, you know what it is, it’s walking around going, “Have you seen my glasses? “l don’t know where they are I can’t find the… Where is it? “I’m sorry, have you got the crossword?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Even if they’re annoying you can recognise them, you know a spaniel, you know, is like some drunk auntie at a party, one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out. I’m a spaniel, I’m a spaniel, I’ll always be a spaniel. Or the St Bernard, they are ludicrous looking but you know what they are, they are that dog, the one where, you go up the mountain, because you’re a dick. All those people doing those sports, ridiculous sports, calling you in the middle of the night in January, “Hi. I’m stuck up the mountain, it didn’t go well…” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] The mountain at night in January, how does it go right? “What are you doing?” “We are having a curry, go away,” click. All of those people doing those sports, fly diving and hole finding. They’re responsible for their own actions, okay. If you want a sense of danger, stop wasting everybody’s time, okay? Blindfold yourself and walk around your flat, have a friend hit you with a stick. [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]     But, if you go up the mountain, you know the dog, it’s the dog that comes over and drinks brandy watching you die, it’s that dog. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But he didn’t have a proper dog. He didn’t have a proper one, he had one of these dogs, you don’t know what they are. It looks like a car wash with teeth, you don’t what it is. And he came running over saying, “You found him, that’s our ‘Schnaper Daniel.”‘ He’s on his knees tickling the dog. “He’s called Mr Beans, isn’t he adorable? “We called him Mr Beans “because the first thing he did when he came into the apartment was “he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans. “Isn’t that adorable?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I said, um… “l also like beans. “My name is not Mr Beans. “My name is Mr Shit Shoes, ’cause I have shit on my shoes. “When you are quite finished giving Mr Beans a hand job, or whatever you are doing there, “l would like a towel or a shovel or something okay, thank you very much.” Because the thing is he had gone for the easy relationship. Which is with a dog, that is not challenging. The dog never says anything difficult, like at meal times, doesn’t turn around and go, “Tut, tut, tut, why do you do that thing with your mouth? “Are you always going to do that, “am I going to have to look at that shit for the rest of my life?” All the dog ever says is, “l can’t believe you came home again, I can’t believe you came home again.” Is that it? Is that all the challenge you want in your life? [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I happen to live with somebody who’s very stimulating, who asks me deep, philosophical questions that are hard to answer. Like she’ll walk through the kitchen and see me and go… “You’re wearing that shirt?” “It’s looking that way…” “But we’re going out, out of the house, people will see me with you, “works out rather well for you. “You look like you make a living fighting pigs in a hole, “put a different fucking shirt on.” I don’t argue, I don’t argue, I am not good at the arguing thing, it’s not my field. Some people are good at it. Somebody who knows you, don’t argue with someone who really knows you, ’cause they can just flip you, one handed. She knows all the moves. She’ll walk in, “You’re in a bit of a weird mood… Ah!” There’s no way you don’t react to that. “What, what do you mean?” Huh! “Well look, you’re being so aggressive.” And then you sort of twig what’s going on and then you go, “l am not, I am not, I’m not aggressive.” “Well, you’re very passive aggressive.” “I am not passive aggressive.” “Okay, but you’re very defensive or something, “I’ll see you later when you’re in a better mood.” And you’re just left there going… [SCREAMS] Very hard to think of a comeback. “You are just using me for sex!” -Um… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But the thing is it’s great to be known by another person as well. You don’t know what to give each other at anniversaries ’cause you’ve been together for so long. You know? It’s not like when you first meet, there you go, cotton or silk or whatever it is, or when you are ancient you just roll on top of one another open your mouth and rubies fall out. It’s this ambiguous middle passage, nobody knows what you’re supposed to do, 18 years, 17 years, “There you go, “There’s a remote control covered in Nutella, I thought you’d enjoy that.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] You gotta work it out, you know. How you’re gonna do it. I mean, what happens is, you end up dividing tasks. You know, you are good at this, the other person is good at the other thing. My wife is, one of her areas is, you know, the future. What that is, where it’s happening, what time it starts, what’s gonna happen in it. The past is also something she has made her own. What actually happened, who is responsible, how the crime shall be remembered. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Sometimes while we’re busy talking about something else! And my overwhelming resemblance to all the villains in history. Also the present is something she curates, something she understands. But no one person can do everything, that’s out of balance in a relationship, you can’t have that, that’s, you know, it’s stupid, so, I taste the crisps. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] There’s a lot of new flavours out there now. Beetroot and vertigo, Horseradish and deja vu, people don’t know how to approach those sometimes, you have to step in for them and tell them it’s okay… You know, you work it out… And of course it’s very rewarding, but people are misrepresented, men are misrepresented to women, you know, they’re always built up as heroes in films and so on. My favourite bit in those action films is when the ordinary guys who turns out to be a hero turns around to his own family and goes, “Everybody just shut up, stop arguing, “do what I’m saying, trust me for a minute!” That’s when all my family burst out laughing and point at me, and go, “Hahahah, imagine how quickly we would be dead.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Imagine all the different ways we would be dead.” Men are not heroes by and large, you know, you make it to middle age, you’re not hero most of the time, you are just, a jelly baby with a few quid. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Women are misrepresented of course as well. I mean young men are full of nonsense about women, now, because of all the way they’re described, also because of pornography, that’s part of it. I didn’t know anything about pornography growing up, it didn’t exist in ireland. If somebody had a picture of a woman’s arse, it was a huge deal. People would start arranging ferries. There were power surges in the infrastructure. Now, you wake up and go, “Take the anal wall paper away, I just want some Weetabix please.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Why are they called adult films anyway, what’s all that about? What’s adult about putting a part of yourself in and out of somebody else thousands of times in the space of a couple of minutes and looking pretty unhappy about it? A really adult film would be some bored looking woman sitting at a kitchen table looking out a rainy window and some depressed looking guy comes around the corner and says, “The bowel condition is fatal.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And she goes, “Mmm, well I still don’t love you.” And then “The End” appears. That’s an adult film. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But women are misrepresented because a lot of young men are told about hot babes, “Check out these hot babes, look at these hot babes, “listen to these hot babes walking around on modern flooring surfaces, “look at them, look at this hot babe over here taking her contact lenses “in and out, ooh, that’s hot. “What about this one? Look at her, she’s thinking of moving to Shrewsbury, mmm. “Saucy! “What about this one over here on the bus, “staring at her feet wishing they were a bit smaller. “She’s regretting that argument she had with her sister at Easter, ooh, that’s hot!” All women are hot, scientifically they are hot because they all regulate their temperature in a totally different way to men. Now this is the science section, okay. Some of you don’t understand science, it will sound like generalisations. They… [CLEARS THROAT] The… [APPLAUSE] During the day, the day light hours all women, all over the world, are freezing. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And there’s a reason for this, it’s got to do with information processing. Women, as you know, were the original model for the lnternet. If the woman is doing something and she goes over here, she travels, she goes somewhere else, she goes, “Oh, I’m over here now, oh, it’s windy, oh look I found a grapefruit, brilliant, “I’m bringing that home.” She talks to another woman, “What’s it like over there?” “Well, it’s a bit windy but you get a grapefruit.” “Brilliant.” That’s the lnternet! Now. A man gets hold of a piece of information, he thinks, “Hahaha, I have an advantage over everybody!” He curls into a ball and dies there on that spot.     [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] It’s a totally different process, I know this ’cause I come home with a cool story to share with my wife, you know, this is just a gender split, ’cause I’ll come home with a cool story like you know, “l saw your friend in the supermarket!” You see, that’s something to share. And… And she’ll… I’m not a trained sociologist with a coat and everything, but then, what they probably call, all the crazy shit starts because she turns around with her insane requirement for detail, she’ll turn around and say, “Oh, really! Who?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] I don’t… You have 4,000 friends, I have no idea, there was a woman I recognised, she has big hair. “Oh, Angela!” “Yeah. I think that’s her, yeah.” “ls her husband’s cousin’s orthodontist back from Peru?” “l don’t know that, I don’t know… “She was buying tomatoes, I didn’t talk to her in case she asked me something.” It’s a totally different way of sharing information. So all women during the day are freezing because all the kilojoules in their bodies are burnt up, by knowing everything about everybody around them, for a two-mile radius. And to make it worse, everybody they live with is a clueless zombie. So the women are standing around all day generally just freezing, just feeling cold, “Oh God! Somebody give me a cardigan, “please fix the draught, what’s with the fucking radiator in this house, “what’s wrong with everybody? “Nobody knows anything, they’re gonna come in and ask me stuff, “here they come, here they come “and they come, ‘Hey, have you seen my…’ ‘Yeah I put on the stairs an hour ago, “‘l knew you’d want it yeah, are you running for the train? “‘Yes, I made you a sandwich, I knew you wouldn’t think of it, “‘Yes, it’s vegetarian. That’s gonna last for a day and a half, you fucking moron. “‘What is that dear? Irregular Spanish verbs, “‘yeah, bring them over here, I can’t wait, there you go. “‘There you go, yeah.”‘ Freezing all day long, she gets into bed, she’s doing nothing, she falls asleep. Boom! She goes on fire. [LAUGHS] And then turns around and says, “Why do you never put your arms around me any more?” “That’s because I want them back, that’s why. “l don’t want two charred stumps. Thank you very much. “Nobody told me I was marrying fissile material. “What are you burning in there?” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And… They’re all hot. Now, you know, I’m not a hero, but I sort of imagine like most people, I think of myself as reasonably, not brave, but you know, sanguine or cool about most things, and… I said that after… We got this film, we were watching this film, it was, you know, a heroic film and I was thinking, I can’t do any of that stuff, but I can’t remember the last time I was really afraid and my wife said, “Oh, well, I can.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] We were watching television and she was right, ’cause it was one of those scary films, I love bad scary films, that’s what it was, it was from the ’70s or ’80s, it was terrible, it was you know, creaky landing and a woman with a nightgown with a candle, and there was a window with net curtains going “ooh,” and my wife was petrified, it is very funny watching, I wasn’t watching the film, I was just watching her. ‘Cause she was going, “Oh, the candle, the curtain, the curtain, the candle, “oh, something’s gonna happen.” I was laughing and falling around, I went to get some more wine or a cup of tea or whatever it was, I came back and she flipped to that thing, where babies, actual babies are coming out of real people! Born in a minute, that thing, and they are coming out and I was going, “Ah, no, no, no!” And she was saying “What’s the matter?” Eating lasagne. “It’s just twins.” -And… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] She’s feeling very brave then but she couldn’t handle it if there were curtains down there going “ooh,” and the babies came out with a candle going, “ahh, ahh.” So different things get you and the other thing that got me was we were walking along the river, and I don’t like heights or the dark, they are pretty much universal fears. I thought I was good with everything else but I don’t like small flying objects coming at me at high speed. And that’s what happened, a small flying object came at me at high speed, I shrieked as I fell, I’m a practical person. [CLEARS THROAT] Got into the foetal position, you hear a lot about how empathetic women are, I am not sure how empathetic my wife was feeling at the time ’cause she was busy laughing, it was that silent laughter where there’s nothing, she was just rocking. And after about half a minute she was able to work me into her schedule and go, “A leaf, “a leaf, a leaf, a leaf.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] In some cultures people would probably call that fear. And um… [CLEARS THROAT] [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] But… Actually I’ve talked for far too long, I should go. The… I’m gonna tell you this and then I’m gonna go. I don’t think… I don’t… Oh, thanks, that’s very, that’s very… There’s nothing left. [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS] There is but I am not going to remember it. You get to a certain part and that’s it, the car stops. Then it’s this, okay. One of the few things I can imagine that probably is easier, a bit easier for women, if you happen to be a woman, is flirting… That’s because it’s hard for men, there’s no guide, at least there’s a protocol for women, there’s a template, there’s something you’ve seen before. You know. In films and so on, the woman talks to someone and goes… “Oh yeah I’m kind of interested, “maybe a little talking and then maybe slightly laughing. “Hahaha yeah, well, I suppose it’s possible. “And then slightly more intrigued and listening and… mmm yeah… “And then maybe slightly shy about her own interests, looking away but “not being able to resist looking back frankly more interested this time and looking, “and thinking and then hahaha! Laughing and enjoying, “Oh, you really are rather, hmm… “And then revealing something more of herself possibly, “maybe just as a suggestion by accident and then disappearing.” So that person is left going, “Who is that amazing woman, wow!” Try that as a man. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] Talking to a woman going, “Yeah, yeah, hahaa. [MUMBLING] “Oh, I looked too interested there, look away! “Wait, wait, I can’t help it, I have to look back. “I’m really interested.” “Hahahah.” [LAUGHS] “Judging just the right amount of scrotum to reveal before you.” [LAUGHS] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. [LOUD CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Thanks a lot. Night, night. [CHEERlNG AND APPLAUDING] Okay! Okay. I forgot a thing. It’s not a huge surprise. So look, I’m going to do this, this is what happened. This book came out a couple of years ago and it was very famous, it was around for a while, it was around for a long time actually and the movie is just out recently and when the book came out I was thinking, “Oh, that will go away,” and it didn’t. So, I got very intrigued. I went down to the book shop and I read a little bit standing there. It was called Fifty Shades of Grey. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] And it’s just an erotic novel, it’s written, you know, it’s targeted at women. So, it’s, you know, obviously interesting… Well it is ’cause it’s such a success and I was reading a bit and I thought this is kind of funny but it’s also got to be possibly an easier way to make a living. So… I started, I started… It doesn’t have a title, there’s no title, it’s just called Erotic Fiction Blockbuster. Okay. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] So, I hope my hair looks good. The… [CLEARS THROAT] If you get aroused, don’t worry about it, it’s happening to everybody… [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] “Yes!” You see that, straight in there… “Yes! She said, “looping with her fingers a wayward glossy comma of fringe from her brow, “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes… “‘Who are you?’ he said. “‘What are you doing in my bathroom?’ “She approached him like a panther, “a drunk panther who was walking on their back legs as a party trick. “She looked at his midriff “naked under his vest, shirt, cardigan and three quarter length duffel coat. “Her breast heaved… “She saw the testicles bag twisting against his knee… “Her other breast heaved. “‘What’s in the bag?’ she said. “He stepped closer, wary, frightened, disbelieving, disorientated “but definitely aroused. “‘What’s in my bag?’ He said. “She raised her chin to him “showing no trepidation apart from some brief intense fiddling “with her hospital bracelet. “He stepped closer. Cruelly, deliciously, his duffel buttons pressed into her, “she thought she might cum, right there all over the loofah and everything. “His gaze was stern, unyielding like an Easter Island head stuck in traffic.” [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] “‘Soup,’ he said! “Although because he had a cleft palate, it came out as ‘Clup!’ “‘Bite me using only your gums,’ she screamed, “‘Fling me into a windmill, “‘hide my phone charger.”‘ Thank you very much everyone, I’ll see you later, night, night.     [CROWD APPLAUDS AND CHEERS]"
1686242954-412,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tom Papa: What A Day! (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-what-a-day-transcript/,"Premiered on December 13, 2022 Ladies and gentlemen! Give it up for Tom Papa! Thank you very much. Look at you. Look at you, still alive. Good job. I’m proud of you. Oh, thank you so much for that. This is so nice to be here. We’re gonna have a good time, I hope. They say these are very exciting times. They are. Some people say scary times. I disagree. I think these are very exciting times. When they’re changing all the rules, we can do anything we want now. I say, let’s kidnap some billionaires. Why not? We got a lot of problems. Five guys have all the money. Let’s go get them. Who’s gonna stop us? I’m all for you being a billionaire. Good job. You worked hard, you changed the world. You get to be a billionaire for 24 hours. You don’t start giving that money away to poor people by morning, we’re coming to get you. Could you imagine a billion dollars? I don’t even dream like that, do you? One person, a billion dollars. No, I used to be bothered by big dreams and high expectations. Not anymore. This is it, guys. This is it. We’re already doing it. You did it. Good job. This is it. Really. For me, a good day is any day I don’t have to retrieve a username and password. Oh. Oh. What a great day. Nothing worse on the planet, when you’re about to have some fun and you’re cock-blocked by the username and password. There’s nothing worse. I mean, I know there’s wars going on, and things are on fire, but for us, for us… there’s nothing worse. It’s not like in the olden times and fairy tales and storybooks, when you need a magical password, go on an adventure, you get something amazing for it. You need the password to get in the gate, go into the dark forest, and become friends with a talking crow, fight a demon with a willow stick, and you get the password. And the doors open up, and a unicorn gives you a ride to a magical wizard who gives you gold coins and sexual favors. We don’t get any of that after pouring our heart and souls into our devices for three straight hours, giving away all our family secrets, our mom’s maiden name, and who she had sex with in high school… and then we play that “squarey” game like we’re in nursery school. Is there a stoplight in the square? Is there a dump truck in the square? Was that my dead grandma in the square? They send a bunch of codes to other emails you don’t have the password for, either. Then finally you get the password. Do we get sexual favors from wizards? No. What do we get? What do we get? We get to order on the Pizza Hut app. Yay. Yay. If only I had the courage to call someone on the phone three hours ago… and place this order. But I’m scared of people now. I don’t know what that 16-year-old manager at Pizza Hut is gonna ask me, but it’s gonna be scary. No way around it. We’re all being changed, dragged into the metaverse, turned into robots as we speak. Remember you before these devices as a different person? You get a glimpse of it when you go out into the world without your phone. You ever do that, leave your phone behind? By mistake, of course. You wouldn’t do it intentionally. But just go out about the day without your phone? Oh! What a great day. Once you get past the crying and the dry heaving and… tugging on strangers’ pant legs, asking for help. Once you get through all of that, it’s a magical day. You just walk around with your own thoughts, just thinking about stuff. Wow, this must be what Benjamin Franklin felt like… just walking around, thinking about kites and candies and syphilis. There’s no getting around it. The world is too easy with it. Could you imagine traveling without your phone? Leaving tomorrow, going to the airport, getting on a plane and leaving for three days without your phone? Terrifying idea. How did you even get to the airport? That’s a good question. How did you get to the airport? Is Uber responding to smoke signals now? What happens once you’re at the airport and they change your flight or gate? How are you gonna know? You’re not. You’re not gonna know. You’re just gonna wander the halls of the airport until you die. You’re going to die at the airport on the floor outside of a Hudson News… that’s filled with things that could save you if only you had Apple Pay. That’d be a good ending to the story. Or would it? What happens if you die, and you go up to Heaven, and they’re like, “We weren’t gonna let you in, but you did your best.” “You get in. Welcome to Heaven. Congratulations.” “What’s your username and password?” I don’t have it, I don’t have it. Remember two years ago, when they told us we couldn’t see our families? Remember that? Yeah. Don’t do it. Don’t go home. You’re gonna kill your family with your face. No. No holidays for you, not this year. You stay home. You’re gonna kill your mom with your breath. Two years, no family. Oh, my God. Those were the good old days. We all had the same excuse, we all had the same excuse. I would love to come home, but they won’t let me. I’m gonna have to spend Thanksgiving with my friends and have fun this year. Oh, man. Families are a blessing. It is a blessing if you have your family, but it doesn’t make ’em any less annoying. I just saw my parents. Oh, my God. They’re getting goofy. My father bought my mother one of those weapons-grade jackhammer massage guns. Have you seen these things? These new torture devices they’re just selling to old people to try on each other? No background check, no licensing, no training of any kind. My father just aimed it at my mother’s shoulder and hit the trigger. Wasn’t good. Wasn’t good. It just gathered up her skin like pancake batter. She couldn’t get away. He couldn’t turn it off. She looked like a Shar Pei stuck in a car wash. Yeah, it got the knot out. It also got her collarbone out and her shoulder blade. And all her insides are on the outside now. I love them to death. I do. But what are we doing with our old people? We should be protecting our old people. Why are we telling our old people they can do more things the older they get? That’s not how it works. You don’t add things to your bucket list after 70. Anything you don’t do by 70, you don’t have to do. My mother watches TV, she gets these ideas, seeing all these active old people, she comes back, “Your father and I are gonna start to travel.” “Your dad and I are gonna hit the road.” “Time to start traveling.” No. You’re scared of stairs. This isn’t the time to backpack through Europe. Your ankles are made of Popsicle sticks. It takes Dad three tries to get up the ramp at Starbucks, just gaining momentum till he eventually bursts through the door and forgets where he is. Starts cursing out the barista because his car’s not ready. “You don’t know. Your father and I like activities.” “We rent the tandem bike.” “We go to the hotel. We rent a tandem bike.” Don’t. A tandem bike after 70 should be called a double suicide. Two people who don’t get along and don’t know where they’re going, turning in opposite directions, should not be on a tandem bike. You should be in a wagon. You should be in a wagon, and we’ll tug you around, you can feed the ducks. We’ll have you home by 4:00, in time for your programs. And then they get angry. They get angry if I try and help them, and give them advice, and protect them, they get all defensive. “Don’t tell us what to do. We’re your parents. We made you.” All right. Thank you for inventing me. That was very nice. But things have changed. Things have changed. My brain’s still intact. I didn’t put sponges in the toaster this morning. I’m looking forward to the time when my kids help me out. I have two teenage daughters. They help me out now. I’m grateful for the assistance. I don’t do things right a lot. They don’t have to know it’s because I’m drunk and high. But I am confused sometimes. “Dad, should the stove still be on?” “No.” “No, I made dinner an hour ago.” “That pot’s going to have to soak for a while.” “Fill it with bubbles. We’ll deal with it on Wednesday.” “Dad, that was a stop sign.” “Good thing we’re speeding.” “Hold my weed. I’m gonna make a U-turn.” “Don’t tell your mom.” They could be nicer about it, though. Nothing meaner than a teenage girl when she comes after you. Nothing meaner on the planet, ’cause they’re smart, they’re cunning, and they just laser on your weaknesses. It’s very unsettling. My daughter came into the kitchen she said, “Dad, we’re trying to watch a movie in the other room, and we can hear you breathing.” “Okay, I’ll just stop that.” “I’ll just stop breathing and living here, and living all together. How about that?” And she just high-fived her sister and went back to watching The Avengers. My other daughter, 16, was just staring me down at breakfast. Very scary. She hasn’t made eye contact with me since she was six. “I don’t like the way you chew your granola.” “Why you chewing your granola like that?” What the hell does that even mean? It’s granola. It’s big and it’s crunchy. I have to make it smaller. Or it’s gonna rip apart my trachea. How do you eat your granola? You just swallow it whole, like a snake? Devil child? This is the same daughter, by the way, who without my permission or my knowledge, during the Troubles, went out and adopted a rescue pug. A pug! Did all the paperwork herself and just showed up with a pug. If you don’t know what a pug is, they advertise it as a dog. It is not. It has a fat, round, hairy, turkey-like body, four spindly legs that look like it couldn’t support that fat body. Dogs have paws. Pugs have long, lady fingers with fancy press on nails. Some have four, some have three, some two. Like a chicken foot. And the face of an arthritic 80-year-old man. Eyes that look like it belongs on a different animal altogether. It looks like God was making it, ran out of pug eyes and said, “Let’s give it cow eyes. See how that goes.” It doesn’t go. This poor guy’s got these two bulbous things hanging out of his skull. The lids can’t even get up and over the ball. He hasn’t had his eyes shut in the time I’ve had him. He just struggles and snores 24 hours a day. “Is he asleep right now? We’re on a walk.” Fun fact. Fun fact. If a pug falls in the pool, it sinks immediately. Turns out if your head’s made of a concrete block, you’re gonna face plant in the deep end. Still snoring, still snoring. Bubbles coming up on either side. I don’t think he even knows he’s in the pool. Think he thinks he wandered into a weird part of the yard and his glaucoma’s flaring up. Best part about him, his name is Frank. Which is hilarious, because any time you yell at him, it’s like you’re in a movie with Sinatra. “Come on, Frank. Why are you acting that way?” “You’ve changed, Frank. You’ve changed.” Like I said, he’s a purebred… A purebred rescue dog. He was found on the mean streets of Downey, California. If you don’t know where Downey is, it’s like here, but a little more stabby. Why was Frank just wandering the mean streets of Downey, California? There’s either something wrong with him, or he’s wanted by the law. There’s something wrong with Frank. Something very wrong with Frank. Frank pees everywhere he goes, inside or out, wherever the hell he wants, Frank pees. I found this out because I got a blacklight on Amazon. Yes. Well, I never caught him in the act. I’d always see him walking down the hall with his fancy lady feet and a suspicious look in his fat eye. I never caught him, but I got that blacklight, and I went through my house. He has devastated my home. Ruined it. My office in particular, wrecked it. First I didn’t say anything. I was like, “What if it’s me?” After careful analysis, it’s Frank. It’s very low. So what do you do? I got angry at first. “How do I handle this?” Maybe leave the back door open and see if he wants to go for a swim? Then I checked myself. “No, let’s get him checked out.” Maybe there’s something really wrong with Frank, like a bladder problem. I don’t know what goes on inside pugs other than prizes. Maybe there is a urinary tract infection. I took him in, he’s a healthy son of a pug. Everything checks out. There’s nothing wrong with his urinary tract. No infections. What’s wrong, according to the vet, in medical terms, is Frank is an asshole. He knows what he’s doing, and he’s gonna continue doing it while he’s looking me right in the face. So I went back to Amazon, where all our answers lie, and they make diapers for pugs. They make diapers for pugs. You can get ’em on Amazon. I know it’s pathetic. It doesn’t even look like a diaper. Looks like those Velcro back braces the UPS guy wears his last year on the job. Just kind of hanging off his ass. Doesn’t look like it does much, but his sciatica is really bothering him. We don’t call them diapers out of respect for Sinatra. We call them pants. “Come on, Frank. We got company over. Put on some pants, will you?” “For crying out loud.” I’ll admit it felt weird putting pants on a dog. Didn’t feel right, didn’t feel natural. But then I thought about what dogs have done in our short years. When I was a child, a dog was a dog. It lived outside in the yard, tied to a tree. If you went somewhere, the dog waited for your return. It could be an hour, a day, a year. The dog waited for you to come home. You’d never say to your father, “Can we bring the dog on vacation?” They would have tied you to the other tree. And look what they’ve accomplished now, these dogs, I see them everywhere. I see them checking into hotels by themselves. I see them in fancy restaurants, drinking martinis, boarding flights to Hawaii. Well, I don’t know how you did it, dogs, but you did it. You’re part of the human world. You did it. Congratulations. Now that you’re here, take your tongue out of your ass and take a look around. And you’ll notice we’re all wearing pants, ’cause we know what our junk looks like and it should be covered up. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a pug’s penis, sir. You look like you’ve seen some shit in your day. Maybe you did some time. I don’t know how you live. If you haven’t seen it, Google it after the show. All of you, Google it after the show. Private browser, private browser. Wait till you see it. It’s weird, it’s misshapen, it’s covered in weird, multicolored horse hairs. It follows you around the room when you walk by. It looks like something the devil would tickle you with. Put on some pants. But, as disgusting as pugs are, and they are, we’re worse. Human beings are worse. I thought we were gonna be better after all we went through. I thought we’d be more germ conscious, a little more mannerly. Nope! Just as disgusting as before. We are. We’re horrible. Coughing’s back. Coughing’s back. Walking through the airport, all these people acting like sea lions. No one covers their mouths. Spraying whole rows of people. I saw a guy on the plane clipping his nails. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Why? Why is a nail clipper in your pocket in the first place? What’s in your other pocket? Used dental floss and toilet paper? What’s wrong with you? They’re back to spitting everywhere, those big man-spits right on the sidewalk where you’re walking. Those big, disgusting, from the small intestine, windup spits. It was six inches from going out the other way. And this guy says, “No, I’m bringing it up top.” “People are gonna wanna see this.” And it just lands on the sidewalk like an alien afterbirth. It’s got eyes and a heartbeat and feelings. Skitters into the sewer and replicates itself. And that’s where COVID came from. I’m not really kidding. That’s where it came from. All these examples are things that men do. Men do these things. I never saw a woman blow her nose in the air without a tissue in all my days. These are things that men do. And I know we’re trying to figure it out. Was it a bat? Was it a kangaroo? Was it a lab? I don’t know. I know one thing’s for sure. Men were involved. You know. You know, you know some guy dared another guy to do something weird to a bat for $10. And they went out to an alley next to a lab, and a bunch of other guys got in a circle and cheered him on. And now we’re gonna be wearing masks to the end of time. We can’t help it. Men. We’re horrible. Men are horrible. We’re horrible. We’re disgusting. Every guy in here pees in his own yard. Pees in his… Right? Yes, yes, yes. “No, Tom, not my guy.” Yeah, your guy. I guarantee it, when you’re not looking, behind the lounge chair, behind the grill. In the grill, if it’s on. Yeah, because that’s a fun noise. Think about it, any inconvenience you have out in the world is because men were there before, did something horrible and they had to change the rules. Why can’t you just walk into a bathroom at a gas station? Why do they have to give a key attached to a chain attached to a truck tire? And we have to drag it around the building like an Egyptian slave. Why? Because men were in there. Horrible men doing horrible things. Playing in the toilet like a bird bath. Putting their penis in the hand dryer. Yes. You think when the Dyson came out, that’s not what they were doing? That’s what they’re doing. I know, the lady’s room is no treat either. That’s not because of anything you do in there. That’s ’cause men sneak in there when you’re not looking and use your hand dryer too. But, as disgusting as we are, and no man will dispute that fact, we’re good for you. Men are good for you. We make you stronger. Yes, we’re immunity boosters. You think this whole thing was bad? It would’ve been twice as bad if men weren’t fiddling their nuts and grabbing every door handle in town. So you’re welcome. The other thing that men have, and I don’t understand why women don’t have it, this seems backwards to me, is this incredible amount of self-esteem and self-confidence built on absolutely nothing. As awful as we are, every guy also thinks everyone wants him all the time. A guy will pee in his backyard, walk out the front door and think, “She wants me.” And yet women are the most magical, beautiful creatures on this planet, just gliding around the globe like cotton candy goddesses, just filled with life and love and beauty and self-doubt. “Do I look fat? Do I look old? I hate my hair. I hate my eyes. I hate my ass.” And meanwhile, you’re walking around with a pet orangutan. Who doesn’t even look in the mirror. The epitome of male vanity is in the summer. In the summer, in any town, you will see a man, an 80-year-old man, walking down the street in a tank top, or worse, no shirt at all. Just strutting down the sidewalk like an expired rotisserie chicken. No muscle mass left, just two bony chicken wings. Licorice nipples swaying in the wind. Gold chains tangled in his spooky cobweb body hair. With the nerve to hit on young women. God, I don’t know how you women let us climb all over you. I really don’t. I would be a lesbian for sure. Both of my daughters are straight. I’m like, “Focus, we have time.” “You don’t have to do this.” I am not a lesbian. I am a straight, married man. I’ve been married now to the same woman for 22 years. Thank you. You don’t know what I’m going through. No, she’s great, of course. 22 years. She’s the best. I love her to death. I’m not gonna be up here attacking marriage. I believe in marriage, really do. It’s a hard life to get through. If you find someone else, partner up through it all, it’s good. It can make your life a lot better. If you find the right person, and lower your expectations of what you’re gonna get out of it, you’ll be very happily married. I don’t mean to demean it when I say lower your expectations. I think that’s why people get divorced. Too high of an expectation of what they’re gonna get out of this one relationship. It’s not that much. Don’t put so much pressure on it. Keep your eyes open going into it. Don’t be dumb about it. Gotta be smart. I have a friend that’s thinking about getting married. He’s so dumb. The way he’s talking, he’s a moron. He’s been with the girl for five years, the things he talks about, “She’s nice, you know, her family’s pretty cool.” “She’s smart, but I don’t know if she’s hot enough.” “Don’t know, we’re talking about getting married. She hot enough?” Are you high? Hot enough?! You’re talking about getting married for the rest of your life. You don’t care about hot, you don’t marry hot. You marry strong. You don’t want a supermodel. You want someone who can pick up the other end of the couch. Without taking the cigarette out of her mouth. That’s who you marry.     No. It’s a good thing. If you’re married, and in here tonight, it’s a great night for you. You’re having a great time. There’s no pressure on you at all. You’re married. You don’t even care if your partner’s having fun right now. That’s not why you’re here. Let’s let someone else talk for an hour. It’s easy. If you’re dating, if you’re in here right now on a date, this is a difficult night for you. This is a lot of work. You actually care how this goes tonight. You want them to be happy. It’s a lot of pressure. This is why… this is the thing that bothers me about dating. If you do get in a fight on the way home tonight, maybe off of something I’m about to say, if you get in a fight tonight, the whole relationship could be over tonight. Tonight. You could end it tonight. Because you have that option. And that’s a horrible option to have. Because if you do leave, oh my God, you gotta get your laptop, and all your chargers. Get a new haircut, buy some cool clothes, go back out into the world. Lie to everybody all over again about how great you are. My wife and I could get in the same exact fight tonight, and we’re not breaking up. We are not leaving, because we don’t have that option. We could get in the worst fight in the world, we are not leaving. I’m not leaving. I get in a fight, I don’t leave. I go to the pantry. I go to the pantry and I get a sleeve of Girl Scout cookies. And I eat them one by one as I’m staring at my reflection in the toaster oven. Until I feel so disgusting that I forgive her, for whatever it is she said, because I know she’s probably right because she’s married to a monster person who just ate 24 Samoas standing up. I don’t need cool clothes, I don’t have to get a new haircut. Get a haircut when she says, “get a haircut.” And I get clothes when she gets clothes… reminds me I need clothes. That’s how married couples end up looking alike. “Be right back, going to get sneakers.” “Wait a minute.” “I need sneakers, too.” “You do? You wanna come?” “Yeah, I wanna come.” “Let’s go. Sneaker day!” And we go to Footlocker and we sit in the married section. And they bring out sneakers that aren’t made for any athletic event whatsoever. No, they’re big and they’re white and they got Velcro. They’re good for standing while we wait for each other. “You want socks, too?” “You read my mind.” “Socks, shorts, and sneakers. Don’t bag ’em up. We’re gonna wear ’em out.” Do we look good? No. We don’t look good. That wasn’t the point. The point was to make each other unfuckable to the rest of the world. We don’t need some single pervert looking at your cool shoes and making a move on you. That’ll ruin the good thing we got going. “What about the sex, Tom? What about the sex?” Everyone asks, “One person for the rest of your life?” “What about the sex?” Grow up. Dumbass sex. You mean the cause of every dumb decision you’ve made? That sex? Sex is fun, but it’s a ride. It’s a ride. The first time I went on Space Mountain, sure, it was exciting. I didn’t know it was gonna do that. Whee! Hey! I’ve been riding Space Mountain now for 22 years. I know how it goes. It’s fun, but you end up confused, nauseous, and in need of a nap. I was staying in New York recently, and the people in the hotel room next to me were having sex. Very loud, very rhythmic, very joyful. And it kept going, 15, 20 minutes. I was like, “I guess the pandemic’s over.” Have fun in there. Didn’t stop. Kept going. Twenty-five, 30 minutes. Nonstop. No break. Thirty straight minutes. I called my wife, I was like, “I owe you an apology.” Didn’t stop there. 35, 40 minutes. 40 minutes nonstop action. We’ve never hit 40 minutes… 40 minutes straight? No, you could add in dinner. We haven’t hit 40 minutes. I wouldn’t want to. 40 minutes? Get off me. I got stuff to do. Where’s my phone? At an hour, I just put in earplugs and cried myself to sleep. I don’t wanna know these people even exist out there. Woke up the next morning, 7:00 in the morning, still heard it, Still heard it, 7:00 in the morning! I go, wait a minute. This isn’t people. This is porn. This is porn. I was so relieved. But then I got angry, who’s in there at the ass-end of a pandemic, spraying all over like Frank? A man. A disgusting man. Awful. Look, I’m not gonna judge you, or where you’re at in your relationship. Single or married? I don’t know. These are things are complicated, they’re difficult to navigate. It’s tricky, you hook up with somebody you don’t know, you’re gonna go the distance? That’s gonna change. You’re gonna change. You’ll both get weird hobbies, start doing weird things. You’re gonna look weird. It’s gonna change. You’re gonna find out things about your spouse you didn’t see coming. I just found out my wife doesn’t like when I read. She doesn’t like when I read! Anything! A book, a magazine, a cereal box. If my wife sees me reading, she doesn’t think, “He needs some quiet time.” No, she thinks, “He’s bored. Let me tell him a story about my sister at work.” “He’s reading a book. He must be really bored.” “Let me tell him about my mom’s new lease agreement on her apartment.” Ugh. The other time she likes to talk is late at night. Late at night when I get into bed, put my head on the pillow, and turn out the lights. That’s when she likes to talk about cancer, child abductions, and the end of days. Whatever bad news she gathered up during the day, she’s gonna sprinkle on my side of the bed. Until she unloads and starts to snore. As soon as she turns out the light, “I spoke to your mom on the phone today.” “She sounded so old. I wonder how much more time we have with her.” “Have you pet the cat recently? He’s got a tumor on his neck.” “Carol’s cat grew a tumor. It’s so big, it looks like he’s wearing a hat.” “Did I mention I spoke to your mom on the phone today?” “Who’s older, your mother or your father?” “One of ’em’s not making it to Christmas, I can feel it.” “I can’t believe our daughters are going away to college soon.” “It’s terrible to think they’ll be out in the world with all those horrible men.” “Probably no more horrible than what they’re doing in their rooms on their phones right now, though.” “Carol’s daughters have been taking pictures of their vaginas, putting ’em on the internet.” “Do you think that’s what our daughters are doing right now?” “Twenty feet from our bed, on our family plan?” “I spoke to your mom. I spoke to your mom on the…” And I stare at the ceiling for six straight hours just waiting for the sun to come up so I can get some coffee, and get away from this devil woman I sleep with. Shouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed anymore. Not all the time. Once in a while it’s fun. But, you know look, I hope you find love in life. I really do. I hope you’re as lucky as I have been. It doesn’t mean a life sentence of having to be in the same bed with your partner for the rest of your life. Oh my God. Look, I tell her, “Look, someone’s leaving tonight.” “Someone’s getting the pillow, kicking the other one and leaving in the middle of the night in a rage.” Why not do that at 10:00, with a peck on the cheek? “Love you. Mwah. See you in the morning. Mwah” She won’t do it. She’s hanging on to the young version of us. And of course, starting out, you should be in the same bed. You have to be! You’re young, sexual, you’re in love. Make love three times a night. You end up asleep in a pretzel twist, foot in your face, hanging upside down. And you do sleep well that way. That’s the thing. You actually sleep a solid eight hours that way. And you wake up in the morning so refreshed and in love. You look at each other, “Let’s do it again.” “Let’s have morning sex,” you say. We don’t say that where I live. No, we’re too busy in the morning pointing at each other and blaming each other for who ruined the sleep last night. “It was you. There’s something wrong with you.” “Oh, no. You need a doctor.” “There’s something inside of you and it’s trying to get out.” And the reality is it’s probably both of us because we’re over 40. And if you’re over 40, you have a 50% chance of getting a good night’s sleep tonight. Fifty percent. Just you, alone. Fifty percent chance you’ll get a good night’s sleep. ‘Cause you’re dying. You’re slowly dying. Your body’s trying to choke you out and technology’s keeping you alive. Fifty percent chance you’ll get a good night’s sleep. And not ’cause you did something crazy, not ’cause you went on a cocaine bender. No, someone had a cookie after 6:00. “Donna had cheese at the party. Oh, no!” “She’s not going to breathe right for a week.” “Bob had three beers. Three beers. Welcome to the Fart Palace.” “Buckle up. No one’s sleeping tonight.” My wife has a lot going on. She grinds her teeth in her sleep. She’s so angry she’s grinding her own teeth down to nubs. Rather than find out the cause of that, they don’t do that. Instead they just give her an NFL issued mouthpiece and just shove that in her mouth like a chew toy from Petco. She goes through three or four a month like an angry beaver. I wake up with bits of plastic all over my face. And it’s blue and it glows in the dark. Yeah, that’s how I know if we’re fooling around at night. If I see a blue floaty thing coming across the room… Not happening. Not tonight. She just put on her equipment. Put on her headgear and her mouthguard and her eucalyptus ointments, climbs into bed with her unshaved legs like a koala bear. Like an angry koala bear trying out for the Packers. And she gets up to pee like six, seven times a night. I didn’t know a woman could have a swollen prostate, but she does. And when she walks, her ankle pops. You can hear it! Pop, pop, pop, pop. You don’t hear it during the day when there’s leaf blowers and garbage trucks. You don’t hear it at all. Three o’clock in the morning, loudest sound you’ll ever hear. Pop, pop, pop, pop. Trying to breathe through the mouthpiece… Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. It’s like Darth Vader’s trapped in bubble wrap in my bedroom. And that’s why you should get married, too. It’s weird being a human being, isn’t it? This is weird, what you’re going through. I know, ’cause I’m one, too. It’s weird. The reason we’re here, to connect with people. It’s our whole thing, connect with people. Befriend people, date people, marry people, make new people. But everybody that you fall in love with, connect with, you have more to worry about. Every love is a worry. It’s a weird way to live. That’s why everyone’s on drugs. First time I took my daughter into a doctor’s appointment when she was a baby, Her first doctor’s appointment I realized, “I’m never gonna sleep again.” I never loved something so much and felt so vulnerable at the same time. It’s a weird way to live. Everything was cool, but terrifying. Doctor’s like, “Everything’s great, everything’s good.” “Okay, good.” “One thing.” “Oh, shit. What is it?” Start sweating immediately. “Not a big deal, but her head is in the fifth percentile.” “What does that mean?” “It means that 95% of the heads out there are bigger than her head.” “What?” “Yes. Only 5% of the population have a head as small as your daughter.” “You don’t see them, ’cause they’re scurrying in the dark from alleyway to alleyway.” “What?” “Not a big deal. We’ll just check every six months.” “Okay.” I got her home, I took her to the playroom, started blowing in her mouth. “Come on, grow.” Panicked for two years. There’s nothing to worry. Everyone’s head grows. You never walk through the mall, see someone with a ping pong head walking down the hall, with a bottle cap for a hat. “Hello.” No, everyone’s head is fine. But you shouldn’t stop loving because of the fear. You can’t. The more love, the less you actually are frightened. You keep doing it. All the closest people in your life, you don’t know what they’re up to. Everyone’s got their own secrets, lives. You’re not responsible for them. Even the people you make! Even your children! My daughter came home from college, first year of college, I was like, “You’re an adult now. Welcome home.” “Would you like some wine with dinner? You’re a grown-up now. Welcome.” “How about some wine?” “No, thanks, Dad. I don’t drink.” “Oh.” “I don’t like alcohol.” “Oh. What a good dad I am.” She said, “I only smoke weed.” “Oh? How long you been doing that?” “Since I was a freshman in high school,” she said! “Oh?” “Where?” “In my room,” she said. Four years, straight A student. High as a kite, in my house. She loved the weed. Here’s the problem. I love the weed more. And for four years I didn’t smoke it because I wanted to be a good example for the children. For four years, I ate nothing but handfuls of melatonin gummies to get some kind of buzz and eventually fall asleep. She was doing bong hits right down the hall. My real goal, what I’ve learned having these kids is make good people. There’s a lot of bad people, there’s a lot of good people. We can’t change the bad people, apparently, but maybe we could outnumber them by making more good people. Should be easy. It’s not like bad people are making great kids. No, they make shitty kids. You see them out there, knocking things over in restaurants, falling down wells. I don’t know why we even scoop ’em out. Who’s falling down a well? Not a good kid. They’re gonna fall again. Seems like it should be easy to change bad people, doesn’t it? Should be easy. Your life will be better if you just turn it down a notch, and try and get along with the rest of us. I know you don’t care about anyone else, but your life will be better, and less stressed if you just turn it down a notch. We’re not even asking you to do anything extra. Just do less of what you’re doing now. Start small. Start small. Don’t put testicles on the back of your pickup truck. Why are you doing that? What is wrong with you? And why are you doing that? I have a minivan filled with children and old people. We don’t need you teabagging us on the freeway. Not easy to be good, you gotta work at it. You’re good people, I can tell. People at my shows are always nice people. But you gotta work at it. You all drive cars, so I know you’re an asshole once in a while. Everyone’s merging, a nice beautiful day. You even surprise yourself. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, “Not today, you old bag. You’re not getting in front of me. No!” “I feel you’re looking at me. I’m not gonna look back.” “Not today, raisin face. Not today.” Where the hell did that come from? Got to work at it. Be nice to people in customer service. Be nice to people in customer service. You think they want to wait on you? These people waiting… No, you’re not the queen because you walked into a restaurant. They don’t want to wait on you. They just… It’s their job. They just wanna make money, pay their rent, and buy some cocaine on the way home. And from a former busboy, be nice to the busboys, those people will lick your rolls. Be nice to people in customer service on the phone. You think these kids in India want these jobs? Helping us? No, they just want their families to survive. Can you imagine them telling their friends they got these jobs? “I got a job today.” “Good for you! What are you doing?” “I’m gonna help Americans fix their computers over the phone.” “Oh, no!” “You don’t even have a computer.” “I know.” “You hardly speak English.” “I know.” “They’re gonna kill you.” “I start tomorrow.” I’m supporting babies who cry on airplanes. Yeah. I’m team baby now. I’m always next to some businessman who’s always complaining. “Who’s gonna shut that damn kid up?” No, wait a minute. You shut up. You’re a man. You’re a man with hairy arms and a wallet. You chose to be on this flight. That baby doesn’t wanna be here. No baby wants to be at 30,000 feet with their skeleton collapsing like a Poland Spring bottle. Sitting at ass level with all you middle-aged gas bags, crop dusting them on the way to your seat. No, that kid’s in a bad spot right now. He should be crying on the airplane. We all should be crying on the airplane. He’s the only honest one on the goddamn plane. And let me be clear. I’m not even a fan of babies. I’m not. I made two and I still don’t like ’em. I don’t trust anyone who’s heart you can see beating out of the top of their head. Useless dinner roll feet, can’t stand for years. No, I don’t like them. But if a kid’s crying, they’re in a bad spot. They’re at church, restaurant or on a plane. You know, let ’em cry. You took ’em out too early. Why you gotta take them everywhere? They’re babies. Leave ’em at home. That’s a happy baby. At home, 72 degrees, naked, Cheerios stuck to their torso. Eating out of the cat dish. That’s a happy baby. You gotta go out, putting a big pink bow on her bald head so everyone stops calling her a boy. She looks like a boy. She’s not done yet. She looks like a man. She looks like a middle-aged man working at the docks. Give her a year, let her fill in, then take her for a ride. Now you wanna complain to me about toddlers who have their own seats in business class? I’ll listen to you. Because that should be illegal. I travel a lot, that’s tough to take, my friends, when I don’t get the upgrade, and I’m jammed in coach between two sumo wrestlers in track suits eating pretzels like a praying mantis for six hours. And the toddler standing naked in my seat, drinking a mimosa and giving me the finger through the curtain. Tough to take. Look, I understand why we get angry at babies, hearing them cry on a plane. Because you’re scared. That businessman’s scared. We’re all scared. It’s scary up there. Scary. It’s scary. We’re not far from the children that we were. You get scared, hear a cry for help, and get more unnerved. That was the nice thing about being home for two years, you feel safe at home. Gives you this illusion that you’ve got control over the universe. Which, of course, we don’t. But at least there you know where the toilet paper is, where all the spoons go. Then as soon as you travel, it’s uncertainty. I’ve had a great time with you tonight. This was a wonderful experience. I love all of you, but it was hell getting here. Soon as you get to security, you’re like a third grader being yelled at by the principal. As soon as you leave your house, Security’s holding up your bag. “Whose bag is this?” “Ah, shit. My bag.” “Is there water in here?” “Maybe.” “You’re a moron.” “No, I can do things.” Then you get to the hotel, more uncertainty, right? How does the key work? How does the elevator work? How’s the remote control? How’s the thermostat work? Whose curly hair is this? How do you turn on the lamp? How do you turn on the damn lamp? Why are there so many lamps? You can never find the switch on the lamp. Is it on the base? Is it on the stem? Is it a chain? Where’s the switch? You put it on the wire, under the table? You heartless sons of bitches. I’m just a strange man in a strange town trying to survive. This is the easiest travel you could have, by the way. This is alone with a wheelie bag. Then you travel with your family. Oh. That’s hell on Earth. A family vacation? Don’t do that. Don’t do that. Look, a family is a bad organization. It barely works at home. Why would you take it on the road? And I’m always so stupid. I always think, when we get to the resort, then I’ll have fun. Travel will be hell, of course, but when we get to the resort, I’ll have my time. No, you moron. Now you’re in this weird reality show with obstacles being thrown at you you couldn’t even dream of. They come running out of nowhere. “Your wife was just stung in the vagina by a jellyfish, go!” “Your mother-in-law is trying out her Spanish on the busboy and saying slightly racist comments, go!” Lo siento, lo siento. “Your youngest child broke out in hives in the middle of the night.” “There’s not a hospital for hours. What do you do?” What do I do? I’m gonna get a dirty Benadryl out of the bottom of my backpack, take the hair off it, give it to her, put her back in bed and hope she wakes up in the morning. I’m not a doctor. I’m a drunk dad on vacation. And news flash, the kids don’t wanna be there either. No kid wants to be trapped in a hotel room with their half-naked parents. The only two people who can get them in trouble. Your whole childhood is spent getting away from your parents. Hiding in tree houses, piles of leaves, sleeping over at your friend’s house. My friends and I used to play in a drain pipe. A drain pipe that took all the human waste from the town and dumped it in the lake. Yes, that’s where we played, in the town shit pipe. And we loved it because we knew our parents would never look for us in the shit pipe. “Tom’s been gone awhile. Do you think he’s in the pipe?” “No.” It’s scary in the shit pipe. It was! There were ghosts and that clown from It. It was scary in there. But I would much rather be in the pipe than sitting in a hotel room at the end of the bed waiting for my father to come out of the bathroom for an hour and a half. “What are those noises?” “Sounded like a bear rummaging through a dumpster filled with balloons.” He’d come out an hour later. “I wouldn’t go in there if I were you.” “But I have to go in there. There’s nowhere else to go.” Walking through a toxic haze. “Why does it smell like an antique pet shop in here?” Standing in your socks in water. “What did he do?” That’s childhood, isn’t it? Being stuck in your socks, in some place you didn’t ask to go. It’s tough being a kid, isn’t it? It’s like a hostage situation. Eighteen years being dragged around by these two kidnappers. No money, no identification. 18 years. No decision is your own. “Get in the car.” “Where’re we going?” “I said get in the car.” Thank you so much for coming. You guys were tremendous. Thank you so much. Sincerely, thank you so much. Take care of yourselves. Take care of yourselves and I’ll see you next time around. Thank you."
1686241885-149,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Chris Tucker: Live (2015) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-tucker-live-2015-transcript/,"[upbeat music playing] [exhaling] [indistinct conversations] [crowd cheering] [inaudible] [audience cheering uproariously] What up? Stop! Stop! [audience applauding] I’m so glad y’all came out tonight! Y’all here with your loved ones. Give it up for everybody here with a date! Y’all lookin’ good! First date. Yeah, y’all gotta be careful when you’re first datin’, ’cause people will do anything to get you, and then when you marry ’em, they change on you. And it’s men and women, too. ‘Cause you… Fellas, you, before you know– ‘Cause you see people, you out there with your dates, some of y’all datin’ now. See, you ain’t out with the real person, that’s their representative you out with right now. You don’t know who the hell you out there sittin’ with… until you marry ’em. [chuckles] ‘Cause, fellas, you ask a woman to do anything for you before you marry ’em, if they want you, they gonna do it. Men, too, they do the same thing. Men and women do it. Fellas, you can ask a woman, say, “Baby, you go get me somethin’ to eat? And somethin’ to drink, please? Something…” She’ll be like, “Okay. Is that all you want?” “Yeah, baby, that’s it. That’s it. Thank you, baby.” “No, thank you.” [audience laughing] “So, you want a lot, baby, or a little bit? Here you go, baby.” You do that. You marry her and ask her, “Baby, you get me somethin’ to drink? And somethin’ to eat, please?” [in gruff voice] “Go get your own goddamn drink. Who the hell you think you’re talkin’ to?” [audience laughing and applauding] [mouthing] What the fuck? “Baby, you hear that?” [in gruff voice] “Yeah, I heard! It was me, God damn it. Who the hell you think it was?” “Baby, what happened to my baby?” [in gruff voice] “Your baby right here, God damn it!” [growling] [screams] “I want a divorce!” [in gruff voice] “You can’t divorce me. You didn’t make me sign a pre-nup!” [screams] But marriage is good, though, marriage is good. You just gotta be careful, man. ‘Cause I’m tired of datin’. Datin’ ain’t cool, man. Datin’ ain’t… Especially, you know, sometimes you date and you think… You date a little younger than you, you think that’s cool. That ain’t cool, man. This new generation, there’s somethin’ wrong with ’em. I don’t know what’s wrong with ’em. I’m serious. I was datin’ this girl, and it was goin’ good, you know. I thought it was cool. I said, “This is gonna be good.” You know, we got close, it was wild, and we started makin’ love, and I was like, “This is good. She might be the one. She might be the one!” And I opened up my eyes and she was tweetin’. I said, “What the hell you doin’ tweetin’ with the– What is wrong with you?” [audience cheering] “Put that damn phone down! You are rude as hell!” She’s like, “People need to know what you doin’.” I said, “Uh-uh! No! Not this! No!” I took the phone and said, “What the hell are you tweetin’?” Talkin’ ’bout “Chris handlin’ his business.” I said, “You can tweet this, but that’s it. That’s it! That’s all.” What the hell’s wrong with you? Somethin’ wrong with this new generation. Better enjoy it. This might be it. This might be the last time. [audience laughing] Tired of datin’, man. I dated out of the country. You think people don’t know you that well, but they know. They know me over there, too. Dated a girl, man, who didn’t even speak English. I thought it was cool. My friend’s like, “Do you realize she don’t even speak English?” I said, “Do you realize I don’t give a damn? Do you see how fine she is?” All she knew how to say was, “Money! Money, Chris! Money!” I should have known there was a problem. She said, “What ’bout my family, Chris?” What ’bout…” I said, “What about your family? Shit.” “They need money, Chris. You have it. They need it!” I said, “Shit… I already got a family that want my money. No, you better go back to your village. It’s over. This is over.” “Chris, this is not right, Chris…” “You’d better go learn English, ’cause you don’t hear what I’m sayin’.”
 I dated outside my race, I dated all… I dated a white girl. It was cool at first. She had me doin’ stuff I never did before, like showin’ up on time, and… [audience laughing] Got me hooked on Starbucks. It was pretty cool. Everything was cool till she took me rollerbladin’. Then we broke up. I almost broke my damn ankles messin’ around with her ass. She was leavin’ me and shit. She was good. She said, “Chris, come on. It’s okay. Follow me!” Spinnin’ around and shit. “Just relax! Go side to side like I showed you! You’re spillin’ your Starbucks, Chris. You can’t play basketball every day, Chris.” I said, “This shit sound racist. Slow your ass down, Samantha! Told you it was my first time. Get these goddamn rollerblades off me. It’s over. It’s over!”
 I dated a ghetto girl. I was scared as hell every time… She said, “Close your eyes.” I’d be like, “For what? What for? What you want?” “Ain’t nobody tryin’ to rob your punk ass, Chris. Now put your arms up!” I was like, “People know where I’m at.” She said, “No, I don’t wanna date no damn punks.” Crazy, man! Datin’ is crazy, man. You gotta be careful, man. You gotta be careful. But you got somebody good, man, just keep ’em, man. Don’t go– Ain’t nothin’ out there, keep ’em. Nothin’ out there. You got somebody that’s half good, try to fix ’em! If they got small problems, not big ones. Those small ones, you can try to work with ’em. [audience applauds] And treat ’em right. Fellas, surprise your wife! Surprise your wife. Don’t be doin’ the same thing all the time. Buy her roses and sunflowers and even sunflower seeds. Whatever you can afford, I don’t care. “Now, listen, baby, they gonna grow. They’ll grow one day. You can eat ’em, too, baby.” She’ll go, “Lordy, that’s so cute. He’s so cute.” When I get married, I want my wife to have a sense of humor, ’cause I’m-a surprise her. She ain’t gonna know what the hell I’m-a do. She gonna be scared. She ain’t gonna know when I’m-a come home. She gonna always be cookin’ and be like, “Chris, that you? I’m cookin’ now. Don’t let me mess up this food! He’s so crazy.” I’m gonna come home, she won’t know what– I’m-a come home with a gun and a mask, through the window. “Get on the ground! Get on the ground! Whatcha doin’? Whatcha cookin’?” [screams] “Who are you?” “Baby, it’s me. It’s me, baby. It’s me.” [audience laughing] “You’re so crazy! I didn’t know who you were, fool. [kisses] You’re so stupid! Why you had to break the window, Chris? That’s the third window. So stupid. You better not have messed up my roses outside. I love your crazy ass. You make me sick. [kisses] So stupid. You’re always surprisin’ me. Chris!” I’ll be like, “I know you didn’t know who I was. Yeah, you didn’t know who I was. You scared? Why you scared? You was scared. I know you’re scared. You were reaching for the phone, weren’t you? Callin’ the cops?”
 Don’t stop right there, fellas! Go up to her job. Go up to her job. Sneak up to her job. Gun and a mask. Go in and… “Get on the desk! Get on the desk! Get on the desk! You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’. You ain’t workin’.” “What are you doing, Chris? This is my job! You goin’ to make me lose my job! You’re so crazy. [moans] You’re so stupid. I love you. Your crazy ass. You’re so stupid! [kisses] Get outta here. I’ll see you when I get home. [whispers] Get out of here! Get out of here!” “I love you, baby. I love you. See you when you get home.” [audience laughing] Be careful, guys. Don’t play too much. One time she gonna come home and fool you. She’ll come home like, “You don’t have no business playin’ like that in the park.” [stammers] [audience laughing] “What the hell you talkin’ about? I was at work today.” -“You weren’t in the park?” -“Hell, no! You know I had to work! And why didn’t you call the cops? God damn, baby!” “It’s your fault! You play too much. I don’t know when the hell you’re gonna jump out of everywhere, and…” “It’s your fault. You knew I had to work today.”     Be careful, though, fellas. If you wanna get married, ask the right people. Don’t ask the wrong people, because they give you the wrong advice ’cause their marriage is messed up. Ask the right people, ’cause I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” He was like, “Don’t do no stupid shit like that. Don’t do no stupid shit like that. You’re free. Get out there, boy. You’re a black stallion. Get out there and buck! Get out there and buck, boy!” [audience laughing] “Get out there and have some fun! You’re free.” I said, “Uncle John, you’ll put your back out actin’ like that. Stop it.” I ain’t ask him nothin’ else. I asked my granddaddy ’cause I thought my granddaddy’d give me better advice. I said, “Granddaddy, I’m thinkin’ about gettin’ married. What do you think?” I thought he’d give me good advice. He told me… He said he glad he recorded his weddin’, so he can rewind it and walk away a free man. [audience laughing and applauding] Any married couples like their marriages? -That’s good. That’s beautiful. -[audience applauding] I haven’t been married. I’m scared to get married. I’m scared. I just made some money. I ain’t tryin’ to lose the shit right away. Marriage sometimes ain’t a good business deal. I’m looking, you know. I’m looking, though, but, you know, I need a woman gonna help me, though. I don’t care nothin’ about fine. You gotta be more than fine. You gotta be able to– -[audience cheering and applauding] -That’s right. You gotta be able to do some other stuff. You got to be able to fill out a 1099 and shit. That’s right. You need to be able to help me out with my taxes and shit. You better have an accounting degree to be with me. Take care of your business, man. Don’t listen to people. Do your own business. Be careful who you listen to, ’cause that’s the last time I let Wesley Snipes help me out with my taxes! [audience laughing] [scoffing] Almost got both our asses locked up, man. I’m gonna kick Wesley’s ass! I wanted to Passenger 57 his ass! Nino Brown his ass. I’m serious, man. He told me and Ron Isley the same thing. Ron Isley was pissed off. I talked to him last night. Ron’s still mad about it. He said, ♪ I’m-a kick Wesley’s ass ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “Ron, let it go, let it go! Put the cane down! Put the cane down, Ron. You don’t wanna do this.” Wesley gonna tell us that mess… We was out one night in Hollywood, he gonna tell me we didn’t have to pay taxes. “Man, we ain’t gotta pay no goddamn taxes, man.” I said, “Wesley, what the hell you talkin’ about?” “I’m Blade. Blade don’t pay no goddamn taxes. You pay taxes, huh? [chuckles] Gee Money, you ain’t gotta pay no taxes and shit, man.” “I ain’t Gee Money, I’m Chris. What the hell is he talkin’ about? This ain’t New Jack City. Wesley, stop smokin’ that stuff!” Good thing about owing the IRS, though, everybody else got to wait. Bill collectors try to threaten you, they can’t even threaten you in this economy. Talkin’ ’bout, “If you don’t pay the house note, we gonna come and get it.” I say, “Well, shit, come get it. It’s upside down anyway. Come and get it.” [audience laughing] “Don’t you wanna talk about it?” -“No! You said you’d come and get it. Now, come and get this shit!” [audience laughing] “Well, let’s talk about it, Mr–” -“No, no! I don’t wanna talk about nothing. I don’t want that house no more anyway. I don’t go down there anyway.” People, you know, people will say, “Save your money.” You know, you’re young. You don’t want to hear that. They say, “Save your money for a rainy day.” I say, “Shit, it’s raining today. I’m about to go get me a Ferrari. I’m about to go have some fun!” I was doing crazy stuff, y’all. I was doing crazy stuff. I bought two houses right next door to each other. Just crazy. I was my own next door neighbor. It was crazy as hell. I was borrowing stuff from myself and shit. “You got some sugar we can borrow?” “You know I got some sugar we can borrow. What you talking about? You’re me and I’m you, man. Go on up there and get it.” “You ain’t gotta talk to me like that. Damn, dude. I ain’t wanna be rude. I was gonna ask you. Damn. You gonna act like that, long as I’ve been knowing you. Shit.” Crazy, man! I’m cutting back though, now. I’m saving my money. I’m smart. Being smart with my money. I ain’t doing that buying up all these houses no more. Smart! Me, Toni Braxton and Jermaine Dupri are getting an apartment together. [audience laughing and applauding] And Terrell Owens is movin’ in, too, with us. [audience laughing] [chuckles] And bill collectors get on my nerve, too. They get the– They get on your nerve. They call you. They call you, just messing with you. There’s no reason, just… I don’t care though. I tell ’em. I tell ’em. I say, “Look, people owe me, too. Shit.” “I’m serious.” I said, “Call Terry, he owes me $200. Put that down on the bill.” They say, “We don’t know who no Terry is, or where he is.” I say, “I don’t know where his ass at neither! Let’s find his ass! Can’t you see he’s the problem? Shit. We’re up here fussing, he’s running free with our money. You gotta look at who’s the problem here.” Bill collectors make me sick. They always go, “We need the money.” They act like you owe them the money personally. “We need the money.” I said, “Look, I don’t owe you a goddamn thing. You know what I mean? I owe the company the money. You stay the hell out of me and that American Express’ business.” American Express make me sick, too. I should have left home without it. They get on my goddamn nerve. They don’t tell you to stop, but they want their money when you owe ’em. “Uh, you’re overdue.” “So, why y’all didn’t stop me?” I’ve been getting so much on a credit card, I’ll be like, “I think somebody else did it.” I’m like, “Who the hell did this shit? I didn’t buy all this shit! When the hell did I buy a statue?” “May I remind you, I’ve seen you shopping with Michael Jackson.” “Oh, shit!” I remember that. Michael talked me into getting that shit. You ever loan somebody some money and they get an attitude with you when you ask for it back? And they’d be like, “God damn, man! Shit! God damn! You’re still worried about that little-ass money?” He looked me up and down like this, “Little-ass money…” “That shit wasn’t little when you borrowed it, God damn it! Give me my goddamn money!” “Rich as you is? Let me tell you how much money you got.” “No, what? No, no, you don’t know what I got.” “Damn, man, I told you I was gonna pay you on Tuesday. Shit.” “Well, you told me last Tuesday, not any Tuesday, man. Go get my goddamn money! What the hell is wrong with you?” That’s why when people ask me for money, I take pictures of them now. I take pictures ’cause they don’t remember. They don’t remember! When they was crying and shit when they was asking for the money, I take pictures of ’em. I say, “Remember this shit? Look at this picture. Look at it. Remember, you was begging. You was crying so much. You don’t wanna live no more. You see this shit. Give me my goddamn money, man!” Then they try to deny it, “Man, that ain’t me.” “That’s a close-up shot. That is you! That’s when you was on your knees. Right there! Give me my damn money!” You can’t trust nobody, man. I’m gonna be like Oprah. Oprah Winfrey don’t trust nobody. That’s why she’s so rich. Oprah don’t trust nobody. I remember one time Oprah invited all these celebrities to her house, and I came and all these celebrities were in her house, and everybody came over, and she had everybody in the yard. Wouldn’t let nobody in the house. We was like, “God damn! What kind of shit is that?” [audience laughing] Everybody asked everybody, “Have you been in the house?” “No, I haven’t, no.” -“You’ve been in the house?” -“No, that’s why I asked you.” “I mean, she won’t let nobody in there, but Gayle and Maya Angelou. Shit. Damn. ‘Cause she don’t trust nobody else.” I tried to get in with Maya Angelou. Told Maya Angelou I need to use the bathroom. “Miss Angelou, I gotta use the bathroom. Can I go in there with you?” She was like, “Hell, no, son!” [audience laughing] “Who the hell do you think I am? You know I’m wise. Oprah don’t want nobody in that house. I’m gonna get me a ride back on that plane. Shit, I gotta go home tomorrow.” Everybody want you to trust ’em. McDonald’s got two windows. Two windows! One where you pay and the other one where you get your food. I’m like, “Man, if I give y’all my money, I want my food, man. Same time! Same time! What the hell is wrong with y’all? You better go up there and get my goddamn food, man!” “Sir, sir, your food is at the next window, calm down.” “No, no, you take your ass up there. You go get my food and come back. I gave you my money, I want my food, man! I don’t know you, man! I don’t know who the hell at that next window. That could be another store. I don’t know who the hell up there.” People blowing their horns behind me, so I said, “Man, they’re playing with people’s food up here! Y’all can fall for this shit, but not me! Now, go get my food, man. You go up there and get my food, and you come back, that’s what you do. All right, you don’t wanna do that? I ain’t going then. I’ll stay right here. I don’t give a damn. [audience laughing and applauding] Go get my food, man!” They gonna call the cops on me. Do you believe that shit? Any cops in here? Where they at? Y’all play too much. Where they at? Cops play too much, don’t they? They play too much. They’re childish. Hiding in the woods, waiting for somebody to speed. Man, that’s childish! [audience cheering] You trying to go to work, they playing hide-and-go-see and shit. You know how they do, hiding and shit? Just hiding behind stuff. You know how they… [audience laughing] “Shit. Shit. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh!” [mimicking police siren] Making all that damn noise, messing up your hearing and shit. “Man, turn the shit down. You got me!” Messing up my damn hearing over a damn ticket! Then they’re talking with you like you’re some little kid. “Turn that goddamn car off, boy. Turn it off! APB, we need a three-four-five. Tupac just went through here like a goddamn bat out of hell. Get down here now! Where the hell were you going, boy?” “You ain’t my daddy. Who the hell are you? Don’t talk to me like that. You ain’t my daddy.” “Why was you speeding, boy?” “‘Cause I didn’t see you.” [audience laughing]     “Why was you hiding, man? Tell me that. Why was you hiding? That shit ain’t fair, man! There’s good people out here trying to go to work. Playing games and shit.” “Boy, watch your mouth, son! Now, I ain’t gonna tell you again! One more time, out of you. One more time. Now, you’ve seen us behind you. Why the hell you start speeding up?” “‘Cause you was catching up, that’s why. I don’t just give up. My mama didn’t raise me like that.” Cops, man. That’s why I love when I get over on ’em. Don’t you love it when you get over on a cop? When you’re speeding and you think they got you but they done already pulled somebody over. Don’t you love that? You be speeding and you be like, “Oh, shit, he done got me. God damn. Oh, no, he done already got somebody. Oh, he’s not gonna stop me! [mimics car accelerating] Hey, man, you should’ve waited, man. I was going way faster than him. I got some weed and some cocaine!” [mimics tires screeching] Cop be mad at you, “Goddamn, son of a bitch! APB, goddamn, down here, now! Where the hell is that son of a bitch going? God damn it, I missed a big one messing with this old-ass lady.” Give it up for my boy, Michael Jackson. I miss Michael, man! I miss him. [audience cheering] Michael was the king, man! Real, like, true life king! Y’all seen me in the video? I was in one of his videos. Y’all seen me in “Rock My World”? I couldn’t believe I was in that video. I kept messing up the video looking at Michael. I was like, “God damn, I can’t believe I’m in this goddamn video!” Michael was getting mad. [mimics Michael] “Chris, what the hell are you doing? Chris, look straight. What the hell are you doing? You’re messing up my video, Chris!” I go, “Mike, I’m sorry, I can’t believe I’m in the video with you, man!” “Chris, believe it. Chris, believe it! Shit. You’re messing up my video, Chris!” [audience laughing and applauding] “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I can’t believe it.” Michael was so cool, man. Michael changed my name. I didn’t even say nothing. He started calling me “Christmas” and shit. First, I didn’t know who he was talking about. I didn’t know who he was talking to. He was like, “Hey, Christmas.” “Who’s Michael talking to?” Michael, “I’m talking to you, Chris. I’m talking to you. Your name sounds like Christmas. It’s beautiful, Chris. Reminds me of Christmas. Christmas trees, presents, fireplaces… It’s beautiful, Chris. You should keep it, Chris.” He convinced me. I’m like, “Do sound kind of good. Christmas Tucker. Okay, Christmas Tucker. Sounds pretty good. We’ll keep it for a little while.” Went up to Neverland. Michael had it cold. Michael had it cold. But Neverland was really, like, Neverland. You go there, Michael had big golden gates. You go through the gates, the music come on, everybody’s… [vocalizing] I’m like, “God damn! This really is Neverland. I don’t never, ever wanna leave. Shit.” It be fly, too. Michael had us ride on a little train to the house. “This is some shit, right here. Michael got a train in his house.” We get to the house. Man, Michael be sitting there, cold-blooded, like Michael Corleone. He’d be sitting in the living room. His people get your bags. You ain’t gotta worry about that. Michael be saying, “How are you? How are you doing?” We’d be sitting there talking, all of a sudden something magical would happen. Like, two giraffes just walk by the window. Like, “What the fuck was that? Michael, was that two giraffes just walked by the window?” “No, it was three. It was three giraffes, Chris. It was three.” “Michael, that was fly as hell!” “I know, I know. That’s why I bought ’em. That’s why I bought ’em.” “There ain’t no more animals free like that is there, man?” “Couple of elephants, one lion. We can’t find that lion.” “What? What? What the fuck?” “It won’t bite you, Chris.” “It won’t bite you, Michael. That lion don’t know me. Better find that damn lion.” Michael was cool, man. We’d hang out with Michael. Michael liked rap. He liked that 50 Cent song, “In Da Club.” He liked the beat, so he’d be jamming to the beat. We’d be riding in the car, Michael’d just be jamming to the beat. He’d be like… [beatboxing] Michael’d be getting down. He’d just play it back… [continues beatboxing] All of a sudden, you know… It’s cool till he starts singing the words. That’s when it sound crazy. He’s like, ♪ You see me in the club With a bottle full of bub… ♪ “Michael, Michael, no! Michael, no! Don’t sing the words.” “Chris, I love that song, Chris. I love that beat. I love it, Chris. That is a cold-blooded beat. I love that beat. Of course I wouldn’t go in the club with a bottle full of bub, Chris. I wouldn’t do that. But I love that song, Chris.” -“That didn’t sound right, Mike.” -“I know, but I love it.” He liked Rick Ross, too. He loved– Sometimes he’d be… Just going around places… [grunts] He’d be doing a song going… [grunts] I’d be like, “What the hell was that?” I said, “Michael, was that you?” “No, no.” -“Did you hear that?” -“I didn’t hear nothing. I don’t know what that was. I thought you did it. I don’t know who did it.” One time, I caught him. He’s all… [grunts] I said, “Michael, I saw you. I knew it was you!” “I’m sorry, Chris, I love Rick Ross. I love him. I love Maybach Music. I love… They’re so cool. He’s so crazy. [grunts] I love that. He’s so free. I wanna do that on my album. -[grunts] [audience laughing] He’s so crazy. So silly. [grunts] Crazy guy.” I said, “Michael!” One time I did something real cool with Michael, though. I went over Barry Gibb’s house from the Bee Gees. You know Barry Gibb. I was like, “Damn, this is fly.” We was watching the Oscars at Barry Gibb’s house of the Bee Gees. And we were sitting there and all and hanging out and stuff. And I said, “God damn, I’m sitting here with Barry Gibb and Michael Jackson.” And all of a sudden both of ’em start singing. They were singing “How Deep is Your Love.” I said, “God damn! This is Michael Jackson and Barry Gibb singing right in front of me. Ain’t nobody gonna believe this shit.” There was just me and a dog looking. The dog even seemed surprised. [mimics dog] “God damn, this shit is fly! Shit, what is this?” -I said, “Do you see this shit?” -“Yeah, I see the shit. Michael Jackson, Barry Gibb, sure.” So they start singing. Michael starts singing first. Man, I never heard him sing live before. He was like… ♪ How deep is your love? How deep is your love? ♪
 ♪ I really need to know ♪
 ♪ ‘Cause we’re living in a world of fools ♪
 ♪ Breaking us down ♪
 ♪ And we all should let it be ♪
 ♪ And the world should be… ♪ And then Barry came in. ♪ I believe in you ♪ [singing gibberish] And then I got caught up and came in. ♪ Come to you on a summer breeze ♪
 ♪ And you know I can stay and you know it ♪ And Michael’s like, “Chris, no. Chris, no.” [audience laughing and applauding] “Chris! Chris… No, Chris. What are you doing, Chris? Barry, I’m sorry, Barry. Chris!” I said, “Michael, I’m sorry, I got caught up.” “No, Chris, no. Stick with the jokes. Chris, no. What are you doing?” I said, “Sorry, Mike, I got caught up, man. -It sounds so good.” -“No, Chris, no! You said you wouldn’t say nothing, Chris. Barry, I’m sorry. Chris, what’s wrong with you? No. I’m sorry, Barry. I’m sorry. Chris, what are you doing?” “I’m sorry, Michael, it was just sounding so good, I thought I–” “No, Chris, no. Chris, go to the car, Chris, go to the car.” “Michael, man, I won’t say nothing else.” “I know you won’t say anything else, Chris. Go. Beat it, Chris. Beat it, Chris.” “Mike, I’m sorry, man. I–” “Chris, go, go, I told you not to– You always want to be starting something. Go, just go. Go. I don’t wanna hear it, Chris.” [giggles] Michael the man, man. Michael performed live, man, Michael was incredible, man. Michael’d do some… Michael’ll go out there and do… [vocalizes] He’d be talking to your girl, you don’t even say nothing. You don’t even say nothing. You’d be like, “You take her, Mike. Go! Go take her. I got to come with you though, Mike.” [giggles] Michael be coming to sing, going, ♪ Lookin’ out across the night sky ♪
 ♪ The city winks a sleepless eye ♪
 ♪ Get you alone ♪
 ♪ Shake my window ♪
 ♪ It’s such an amusing sight ♪
 ♪ When we say why, why ♪
 ♪ Tell ’em that it’s human nature ♪
 ♪ Why, why does he do me that way? ♪ Give yourselves a round of applause. [audience applauding] ♪ Ooh, yeah ♪ Thank y’all for supporting and coming out here. Y’all got to stop messaging me about this Friday stuff. God damn, y’all. Thank you for supporting me in the movie. Everybody want to see me do another Friday. I go through the airport, and the security people just stop me just to ask me that. “Oh, I got to do a check here. Hey, man, you gonna do another Friday? Turn around, man. Turn around. Come on, man. Wish you would do it. Cube wanna do it. Come on, man, do it. It’d help you with your taxes. Come on, man.” “Stay the hell out of my business. Do your job. Make me late for my flight.” I appreciate y’all lovin’ the movie. I ain’t gonna do another one. ‘Cause Cube didn’t pay me for the first one, shit. [audience laughing] He said he’d give me some CDs and some weed. I said, “Hell, no.” [mimicking Ice Cube] Talkin’ bout, “You ain’t even tried it yet, Chris. You ain’t even tried it yet.” Cube, I don’t want no damn weed. I want some money! Cube’d be talking to you, but it’s like he rapping to you. [rapping] ♪ You can do it Put your back into it ♪ “Is he rapping or talkin’ to me? Cube, what’d you say?” [rapping] ♪ Don’t stop Get it, get it ♪ “Man, would you stop rapping to me?” He’s doing movie lines. “Either they don’t know, they don’t show, or they don’t care what’s going on in the hood.” I said, “Cube, that’s Boyz n the Hood, man! Would you stop acting?” My family tripped out when they found out how much money I was making. My family acted a fool. They just act cray, all of them. They found out how much money I was making, all of them just quit their jobs. They just quit. I said, “What the fuck?” I said, “Wait a minute. What y’all doin’?” They were going around singing,     ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
 ♪ We rich, we rich We ain’t gotta do shit ♪
 ♪ We rich, rich, rich ♪
 ♪ We rich, we rich, we rich ♪ I said, “Y’all ain’t rich. I’m rich. You better get y’all jobs back before it’s too late. Shit. What’s wrong with y’all?” It was crazy, man. Everybody wanted something, man. My brother was reminding me of stuff he did for me when I was five years old. He said, “Man, remember that time you was walking across the street and that car was comin’? And I said, ‘Hold up, wait a minute.'” [audience laughing] “You got to remember that, man. Chris, you wouldn’t even be alive now, man. Loan me the money for the house, man. Damn.” I said, “I don’t remember. I’m too young, I was too young.” You can’t ask nobody how they’re doin’. It always leads back to money. I asked my Uncle John. I said, “Uncle John, how you doing? Good to see you.” “Oh, man, God damn!” [audience laughing] “God! Chris, man. [groans] Chris… Really bad. Oh, Chris, Chris, Chris…” You know somebody in some pain when they say, “Oh…” They’re howling your name. [moaning] “Oh, Chris, Chris I’m so glad you said something, son. The Lord must be speaking to you today, Chris.” [audience laughing] “Chris… I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna pay all these damn bills, Chris.” I said, “Uncle John, I don’t know how the hell you’re gonna pay them neither! God damn! I just asked you how you was doing, man! Damn! Why everything gotta lead back to money?” On a trip, man. My daddy tripped out. My daddy tripping, going to tell me his doctor said he need a new car ’cause the old car messin’ up his back. I said, “Daddy!” [audience laughing] He gonna swear me down, “Look at the prescription. That’s what the doctor said. Look at the prescription. Nobody trying to trick you. Shit. That old car killin’ me, son. That’s what the doctor said. You want your daddy to die, boy? Go on, look at the prescription. See that, it need to be blue and convertible. It’s good for my spirit, son. That’s what the doctor said. I didn’t make up nothing like that.” I said, “Daddy, no.” My daddy wanted a new car because I bought my mama a new car. ‘Cause you know, when you make a little money, first thing you do is take care of your mama, right? You take care of your mama. [audience applauding] In black families, that’s what we do with this new generation money, take care of your mama. But then my parents, they separated when I was young, which is cool ’cause my daddy was always around. They separated and then I bought my mama a car, my daddy wanted one. Well, I said, “Daddy, I ain’t going broke ’cause you and Mama don’t love each other no more. I ain’t buying no two cars, I ain’t doing it.” I said, “You better get back with Mama. Shit.” I said, “Ride in the back seat. Y’all ain’t gotta talk. Shit. So what’s love got to do with it?” My daddy left home, he left home when I was younger and stuff. He thought we was all sad, but we was cool because it was like, “Shit, it’s too crowded in the house anyway.” We were happy. “He need his own place. Shit. Always turning the TV and shit. Nobody wanna watch no damn Dallas.” [chuckling] He thought we were sad, and he came back one day to talk to us, we was like, “Oh, shit, I know he ain’t comin’ back, is he?” I said, “Daddy, you ain’t coming back, are you? Don’t be a quitter now.” [audience laughing] “You don’t want us to grow up to be quitters, do you? Besides, we done took your room. Mama in our room now. We got the big room.” “Go get your ass out in front of me.” I worked for my daddy, too. Don’t work for family. You ever work for family? Don’t work for family. You ever got a whoopin’ at your job? That’s embarrassin’ as hell. My daddy would… My daddy would whoop us anywhere. “Get your ass in there. Do what I told you to do.” I’m like, “Daddy, come on, wait till we get home.” “You don’t wait for me, God damn it. -You’ll do what the hell I tell you to.” -“Daddy, please!” My daddy come home and just whoop everybody in the house. Be whoopin’ my friends and shit. “Get your ass up there. Do what I told you to do.” “Mr. Tucker, Mr. Tucker, I ain’t your son!” “Get your ass out of my house, then. I told you not to come down here. You need an ass-whoopin’ anyway, God damn it.” “I’m-a tell my daddy.” “I catch him in my house, I’m-a whoop his ass, too!” One time, my daddy whooped me and my brother like slaves. Like two slaves, ’cause he came home, he was mad. He came home from the Atlanta dairy, he was mad. We didn’t know he was mad. We did something, broke something, so we tried to tell on each other. So we ran up to him, -“Daddy, he did it.” -“No, he did it, Dad.” My daddy whooped both of us. He said, “Both of y’all go downstairs, take your clothes off, and lay on the couch.” We was like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “What Daddy say?” [breathing heavily] “All I heard was lay down there butt-naked or something, on the couch.” “Oh, shit. We shouldn’t have said nothing, man.” We were downstairs, man, my daddy was– Waiting, butt-naked on the couch. Lookin’ at each other, “What the hell we do, man? Why did we say something?” [sobbing] My brother tried to be strong, “Be strong, boy. You hear me, Chris? Don’t let him break you, Chris. Don’t let him break you.” [sobbing] “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” “Cry inside, Chris.” “Okay, okay.” He hit my brother first, he’s like… [popping] My brother said, “Ahhh! Daddy, I’m sorry, Daddy!” I laughed so hard, I didn’t even hurt when he was whooping me. [laughing] “Daddy. Daddy, stop.” We were in the room, like, “What’s all that ‘be strong’ shit? What happened to that, where did that go? Hmm? Where’d that go?” “Daddy hit me hard ’cause I’m older and shit.” “Yeah, right.” Yeah, man. My daddy is somethin’ else, man. It’s a trip though, being the youngest. I’m the youngest of six kids. You learn a lot when you the youngest of six kids. You learn what not to do. ‘Cause I seen my brothers and sisters get whoopin’, and I’d be like, “What’d you do? Why Daddy whoop you like that? God damn. Shit. Daddy tore your ass up, what’d you do?” “I didn’t take out the garbage.” “All that was over garbage? Shit. Damn. Daddy’s serious about the garbage, huh? [exhaling sharply] What day the garbage man come? What day? Tuesday. Okay, I’ll remember that shit. Tuesday.” Being the youngest, you don’t get no college fund. My brothers and sisters messed that all up. I asked my dad about college, he was like, “Shit. You better find something to do. Talk to your brothers and sisters. They had your college fund. They messed it up.” That was okay, though, I didn’t care, shoot. I barely got out of high school. I wasn’t gonna start that shit all over again. I was barely… I barely got out. My teacher kept me back. I said, “What you keepin’ me back for? I don’t wanna see you again and you don’t wanna see me again. Let me go! See what I can do. Let me be all I could be!” I used to get on teachers’ nerves, they used to hate me. They used to get mad. They’d say, “Listen, Chris, if you act up again, I’m gonna call your mama.” I said, “If you gonna call my mama, you gonna have to pay the phone bill, ’cause the phone been cut off for two weeks.” [audience laughing] She’d be pissed off, “Get out of my room! You make me sick! Go to the principal office!” I’d go to the principal’s office, I didn’t care because I was in the principal’s office so much, I was cool with the principal, we were tight. He’d be like, “What’d you do this time? Get in here, get in here. Get in here, close the door. Sit down. What’d you do this time?” -“Call my mama, pay the phone bill.” -“Man, you crazy! You’re a fool, Chris. You’re a fool, boy. You gonna make me suspend your ass. I’m just playing. I’m just playing. We ain’t gonna suspend you. Give me my peanuts.” I used to sell candy. I had the principal hooked on peanuts. He was hooked on salt. He’d be mad if I don’t show up. “Where the hell you was yesterday? Shit. Shit. You got me hooked me on this shit, and you don’t show up for school. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, boy. I can only do so much, Chris. You know I’m playing. Get out of here. Don’t be late, boy. Don’t be late again.” School was fun, man. I found out– I tried to play sports, you know, every guy wanna play sports. I ended up not playing it. I wasn’t that good. I tried to play football, I wasn’t that good. I broke both of my wrists in practice and shit. Ambulance came, they were like, “God, how you do that shit?” I said, “Man, just take me to the doctor. God damn. I don’t know how I did it. Damn! Take me to the hospital! Stop asking all these damn questions! Shit.” I used to play, man, ’cause I wanted that jersey for pep rally. I wanted that jersey ’cause I wanted to run out there. That’s how you get the girls. I used to run out there in the pep rally, I used to run out there. Jersey clean, I ain’t played one game. Coach never let me in a game. I’m up there, I be in the bench talking about the team ’cause we losing, “They sorry as hell. We’d win if he’d put me in the game. Shit.” One time, somebody got hurt. Coach put me in the game. I was like, “What the hell?” He said, -“Tucker, get up here!” -“What the hell he want?” “I want you to go in the game, wide receiver. Somebody got hurt.” “Shit.” I didn’t know none of their plays. I was like, “Shit. Coach, game almost over–” -“Get in the game!” -“What–” I got out there, I ain’t care, I said, “Okay, shit, I’ll go out there.” Quarterback say he’s running with– In the huddle, he said we gonna run, run the ball. They gonna run the ball. I said, “He ain’t gonna throw it to me, so I’m gonna have some fun.” I was good, because I played with my older brothers and sisters. I could fake somebody out in a minute, I was good. Playing street ball. I could… Whoa! I said, “I’m gonna fake them out. I’m gonna get out there.” He hiked the ball, and I faked it. Ah! He fell down. I was like… [whooshes] I was out there, I said, “Oh, shit.” I saw my mama in the stands, I said, “Hey, Mama. I’m going pro. I’ll buy you a house, Mama.” I knew I was cool. He was gonna run the ball. All of a sudden, quarterback threw the ball at me, I was like, “What the fuck are you throwin’ it at me for? Oh, shit, that ain’t the play, God damn, man! He knew I didn’t go to practice last week. Shit.” I was hoping something would happen, like a bird would hit the ball or somethin’, a little rain or somethin’. Ball came, I dropped it, I was like, “Shit.” My whole family was up cheering. Everybody’s like… I dropped the ball, they was like, “That ain’t our brother. Our brother’s number ten. We don’t know who that was. We don’t. Come on, Mama, let’s go. Come on, he gave up on us, we’re gonna give up on him. Shit. Embarrass the Tuckers like that. Let’s get out of here.” Oh. We had fun in school. My daddy one of the daddies, he’d do stuff with us. That’s what he was cool about. He did a lot of stuff with us. But it was cool until he forget we was his kids and shit. One time, he called my sister a bitch, and we was like, “God damn, Daddy!” We was playing cards and she said he didn’t put up. He got mad as hell, “She gonna tell me what I God damn did, shit. I put my money up.” -We was like, “Daddy!” -“I don’t give a damn shit. I knew her when she couldn’t talk or walk. Don’t tell me what I did, God damn it.” My sister was crying. I was like, “It’s gonna be all right.” [crying] She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh. My daddy called me a bitch. Uh-uh.” I said, “Stop it, stop it. It’s okay. He done called everybody something. He called me a punk bitch. Let it go. Now get your head up and get back in the game.” My daddy funny, man. One time he lost his mind playing cards over at my sister’s house. Lost his mind. He was losing a lot of money, and lost his mind. He thought my sister’s roaches was helping her cheat. Boy, it got shit crazy. ‘Cause he kept getting bad hand after bad hand. He just got frustrated. He was dealing and– We didn’t know how much money he lost, but he just got to hallucinating stuff. He would be just shuffling his cards. [mouthing] “Shit.” He’d shuffle them again like his hand gonna change. [audience laughing] “I knew there was some shit going on in here. How long that goddamn roach been on that wall, looking at my goddamn hand? I wanna know who the hell working with this roach.” My friends are all, “God damn. Your daddy crazy as hell. We quit, man. Y’all can have the money. There’s something wrong with your family, man. Y’all gotta work that shit out.” My mama wasn’t like that. My mama was different, my mama was strict. Anybody got a strict mama? My mama told you something, she meant it. One time, my mama told me… I got lost in the mall. My mama didn’t even look for me. She didn’t even look for me. I had to find a security guard to help me look for my mama. I was like, “Come on, man, hurry up, before she leaves. Mama! Mama, where you at? Mama! I’m sorry!” Man, I went everywhere in that mall looking for my mama. My mama wasn’t even in the mall no more. Found my mama in the parking lot backing back. I was like, “There she go. Mama! [sobbing] I’m sorry, Mama.” She’s like, “Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. I thought you had a ride home. The car is too full.” [mimics engine accelerating] [mimics tires screeching] “Mama, I’m only five years old!” “But you think you grown. I told you not to leave my side!” [mimics engine accelerating and tires screeching] “Mama!” I thought she was gonna come back, she left me out there all night long, I’ll tell you something. [sniffles] Wouldn’t nobody even kidnap me. Kidnappers don’t kidnap black kids. We too much trouble. We ask too many questions. We’ll be in the backseat asking questions, we won’t be quiet. We’ll be scared, but we wanna know what’s going on. [breathing shallowly] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Where we going? Mr. Kidnapper? When we gonna eat?” [audience laughing] “Mr. Kidnapper? Mr. Kidnapper? Can you put the radio to a black radio station, please?” [audience applauding and laughing] “Maybe a little Babyface, Earth, Wind & Fire or somethin’? I’m getting a little scared, man.” Kidnapper just goes, “Just get the hell out, boy! Get the hell out of the car! Drive me even more crazy, God damn! Do you realize your life is in danger, boy? Get out!” [sputtering] “You kidnapped me, man! You get more money if you keep me alive. Shit.” Yeah, my mama, man, she didn’t play, man. My mama made us go to church. Made us. We hadn’t even sinned yet, we still had to go to church. “All right, get up. You are going to church!” “Mama, can’t the preacher come here sometimes? We always going to him. He can preach on the kitchen table, Mama.” “Get up! You are going to church! Make me sick. Making me late.” She’s always talkin’ bout we making her late. And she ain’t dressed, neither. Walkin’ around with her bra on. “You are making me late! I can’t get dressed fooling around with y’all!” “You can’t get dressed ’cause you ain’t dressed, Mama. You late, too. We’re just a late family.” “Making me sick!” She’d be mad at us every Sunday. She’d fix her some breakfast, she wouldn’t fix us nothin’, she’d be mad at us. We’d be so late she gotta eat it in the car. She’d come to the car with her food. And one time she brought it to the car and gave it to me to hold, but I didn’t hear what she said, and I thought she was giving it to me. And I ate my mama’s breakfast. Man, I ain’t never seen her this mad before. ‘Cause all I heard was, “Here.” I didn’t hear, “Hold this.” I didn’t hear that. And she says, “Get that door! Get the door! You make me sick. Every Sunday, we gotta go through this! Here! Hold that.” And I got it, I was like, “Huh? I thought Mama was mad at us. Well, she said, ‘Here.’ Why’d Mama fix me coffee?” My brother was in the backseat, “Man, what the hell you doing? That’s Mama food.” “Shut up. Can’t stand to see me have nothing. Just like Grandmamma said, ‘Crabs in the bucket. Don’t even have to put a lid on the top.’ Mama fixed this for me! Mad ’cause you ain’t in the front seat. Make me sick.” All of a sudden, my mama said, “Hand me my plate.” “Shut up. Mama, what’d you say?” “Boy, I said, hand me my plate!” “Mama, you mean the plate you gave me?” “Boy, the plate I told you to hold!” “Mama, you said, ‘Here.'” “Boy, I said, ‘Here, hold my plate.'” “Mama… [whimpers] Mama… Mama, you still love me, Mama?” “Boy, what are you talking about?” “You know how sometimes I be doing stupid stuff, Mama?” “Oh, I know you didn’t sit up there and eat my food! You get out of this car and you walk to church. You hear me? You get out and you walk to church! You got enough energy, get out of here!” [sputtering] “Mama, I’m sorry! I left you the biscuit, Mama!” I had to walk all the way to church, y’all. I didn’t care, I was full. I got in the back of the church, my brother was back there. We were back there talking. My brother was like, “You crazy.” I said, “You crazy. Let Mama treat you like that.” My brother’s like, “You gonna go to hell.” I said, “You already living in hell.” We back there talking and my mama friend see us and say… “Uh-uh.” Sister Russell saw us back there talking, she went, “Uh-uh. Back there embarrassing Sister Tucker. They ought to be ashamed of theirselves. Somebody get Sister Tucker. Touch Sister Tucker. Mmm-mmm. Chris back there talking. Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary! Hey! Mary, look. Mary. Mary, look. Look, Mary.” [mouthing] “He made it to church. I thought somebody was gonna kidnap him, you make me sick! Back there talking! Chris! Chris, shut up! Shut up, boy! You hear me? Shut up!” And I knew she couldn’t get up and move, ’cause it was the middle of the church, so I said, “Mama. You shut up, Mama.” [audience gasps] My mama… “Boy, are you done lost your mind, Chris? Now, I said shut up, boy.” “Mama, I said shut up, lady.” “You wait till after church, you wait till after church, Chris.” “No, Mama, you wait till after church, Mama. You hear me? You wait till after church, Mama! Ain’t gonna fix nobody no breakfast!” “Boy, you done went crazy, boy! -You, you wait–” -“Mama, you wait, you wait.” My mama so mad at me, they thought she was shouting. She mad at me, “Lord, I’m-a get him, Lord, I’m-a get him! He ate my breakfast, Lord, he ate my breakfast!” [chuckles] I love church, man. I love going to church. It’s fun in church. I like to see the people shouting in church. Especially the older ladies shouting in church. You know, the mothers? ‘Cause the mothers, they don’t go to clubs no more, so the only chance they get to dance is in the church. So they be getting down. They be sharp, too. They be having their suits on with the– Shiny, with the pretty hats and they get to shoutin’. They be getting down, they be like, oh… I be like, “Get down, Sister Scott.” Sometimes I go out there with them, “Go ahead, Sister Scott. Go ahead, Sister Scott! You still got it, Sister Scott!” “I know I still got it, boy. You gonna get in trouble, Chris. Your mama looking at you, Chris. Your mama right over there. 1952, doing the romp here, baby. I ain’t lost a step, look at that. Your mama gonna get you, boy. You crazy. I heard you ate her breakfast. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you?” “How’d you hear about that?” Man, mothers know everything. It’d be scary sometimes in church. You know the people that run around in church scare everybody. They just bust out screaming… [screams] “Hallelujah! Thank you, Lord!” Even the pastor be scared. “Who the hell was that? There’s a demon in the church. Go to my office and get my oil… and a hot rag. I’m gonna get that demon right up out of this church. We not gonna have this in this church. That ain’t one of my members. I know all my members. And ain’t none of them that crazy.” Some preachers be a trip, don’t they? Some preachers be stingy. You ever been to a church, preacher’s stingy? Preacher have a pitcher of lemonade up on his pulpit, and two cups, don’t offer nobody nothing. Talking about, “Can I get an amen, church?” “Hey, man, pass some of that lemonade! You know it’s hot in this church! You know the water fountain don’t work.” -“Who said that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Hot as hell in this church!” “Who the hell in the fifth row?” Church be hot! You don’t care. Church be so hot the flies leave. “We going to a white church. It’s too hot in here. Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. [buzzes] Shit, the window closed. Somebody open the window! Oh, shit, man. We don’t want to be no member no more! Come on, man! Let’s get the hell out of here. Let us go! Y’all, n i g g azz.” [audience laughing]     [chuckling] Preacher be moving too fast through the Bible, he don’t care nothing about this. He don’t wait on nobody. “Now, turn to John 45. I’ll wait for you.” You’ll be looking for it. “Hey, is John in the front of the Bible, or the back of the Bible? Hey, is John in the front of the Bible? Something wrong with my Bible, I think it’s broken. God bless you. God is going to bless you. You mean like that.” Soon as you get to John, “Go to Luke 45.” “Pastor, slow down.” -“Who is that?” -“Me, the brother in the fifth row! Nobody don’t know the Bible like you.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row?” “I don’t know, some brother.” Then the preacher keep you there all night long. Then got the nerve to say, “I want you all to come back for tonight’s service. It’s gonna be a fine, dandy time tonight.” I’m like, “Man, look outside, it is tonight. Look outside, it is tonight! We done been here all damn day.” “Who the hell is in the fifth row? Get him out of here! Messing up my sermon.” Now I’m a father. I’m a father now, I’m raising my son. -[audience applauding] -Thank you. Kids are free, man. Kids are the only people on Earth that can come and stare you in the face, look at you, and then walk away, don’t say nothing. Kids do it all the time. They just come up to you like this. [audience laughing] They make you feel uncomfortable. “Hey, little kid! What’s wrong with me? Come back here! Stay free, little kid. Stay free, man!” Kids tell you the truth. They’ll tell you if your breath stink, too. They’ll tell you. Kids will tell you, “Your breath stink.” -“What? What you talking about?” -“Your breath stink.” “Don’t talk to me like that.” “Don’t talk to me like that. Your breath stink.” “Your breath stink.” “No, your breath stink. You just say that ’cause your breath stinky.” You don’t know whether to be mad or nice to them. “Thank you. Bad-ass kid.” ‘Cause grown-ups ain’t gonna tell you your breath stink. They just walk around with y’all, they’ll tell everybody else. “Man, you smell his breath? God damn, he smell! Whoo! Shit! Did you smell his breath? [laughs] I gave him some gum, the gum didn’t want to go to him. I was like, ‘Damn.’ I mean, his breath be kicking it. Can smell it over the phone. I’m talkin’ bout, his breath stinks.” I wanna take my son to Africa, though, I wanna take him to Africa. Any of y’all ever been to Africa? Go to Africa. Especially if you’re black, go see your ancestors. I went to Africa, they took me out there, I went out there for a genealogy thing. I went out there to see my ancestors. They took me out there, I did this thing. And they took me out there. They took me way out in this village, on this dirt road, all the way out to this village. They took me, and they showed me and said, “These are your people.” I said, “Don’t none of these people look like me. They done tricked my ass, got me all the way out here in the desert.” I was about to leave, till one of them reminded me of my Uncle John. He was like African Uncle John. He’s like, [in African accent] “Oh, my God, it’s so good you are here, Chris! I am so glad you are here, man. You don’t know how much… we pray for this day, man. I don’t know how the hell we gonna pay for this village, Chris.” I said, “I don’t know how the hell you gonna pay for it neither, man. Well, African Uncle John, I already got an African Uncle John. Now, I brought y’all some Coca-Colas and some shoes and I ain’t giving y’all nothin’ else. Where’s my Jeep? Get me the hell out of this village! Get me out of here!” When you’re a celebrity and you go to Africa, they do special stuff for you. They have people meet you at the airport. They had a big band meet at the airport for me. They had drums, they had signs and stuff. But I was tired ’cause it’s a long way to Africa. I got there, I thought I was gonna get some sleep before everything happened. I got off the plane, I said, “I’m gonna get some sleep.” And they was like, “There he is!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [beatboxing] ♪ Chris Tucker Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I’m like, “What the hell is going on? This is so– Mmm-mmm. Hey, man. This is great, man, but I am tired, man. Could we do this a little later?” [in African accent] “No, please. That’s disrespectful, please dance.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ I said, “Man, this shit is disrespectful. Man, I am tired. I had a 16-hour flight, man, come on now. Can we do this later, man? Take me to the hotel.” “We are walking to the village. Please follow me.” “What?” “My itinerary said the Radisson, man. I ain’t goin’ to no damn village.” “Please, Mr. Tucker, just follow us, it’s not far. It’s only 200 kilometers…” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Two hundred kilometers! I don’t know how far that is, but that sound far as hell, man! Where the Jeeps at?” “It’s not far, Mr. Tucker, don’t worry. If you get tired, get on my back.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Shit, I’m tired now.” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪
 ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ “Get my luggage! Get my luggage!” ♪ Chris Tucker ♪ [audience applauding] Thank you! Stuff happens in Africa, though, you don’t see nowhere else on Earth. I saw a cheetah walk through the hotel lobby. I was the only one scared, the Africans weren’t even scared. I’m like, “God damn, there’s a cheetah in here! Look at that goddamn cheetah!” My security guard was behind me, I said, “Get in front of me, shit! Supposed to be protecting me. Anybody gonna get bit, it’s gonna be your ass.” I was scared. The Africans weren’t even scared. They were over there, rubbing it, [in African accent] “Oh, look at the cheetah. Look at this cheetah. What are you doing in this hotel? What are you doing? You don’t belong in here.” Pettin’ it and rubbing it, “What are you doing here? You must go outside.” He opened up his mouth, “Look at his teeth. Look at his teeth. Look at the designs in his mouth. He kill a man one bite, he kill a man one bite.” All of a sudden he slapped the cheetah on the ass to get him out of there. “Get out of here!” [exclaims] I was like, “What the hell is wrong with him?” The cheetah went crazy, he was like… [hisses] [snarls] [snarls] I ran out of that hotel so fast, I was like, “Shit! That cheetah gonna kill us!” And the cheetah was so fast, it ran by me, I was like, “Oh, shit, the cheetah! Get my ass back in the hotel. Close the doors of the hotel! What the hell y’all got the doors open for? You know cheetahs are coming in here and shit.” -“It only happen once a year.” -“That’s enough! Shit! Scared the hell out of me.” Africa is great. I went on some great trips. I went to Africa one time with Bill Clinton. That was fun, we went to, like, three or four countries in Africa, and Clinton was great, man. We had so much fun. We had so many places to go, we started getting bored, sometimes we just started playing games. I started doing impressions of Bill Clinton and he started liking it. He was like, [mimics Bill] “Oh, shit. That sounds just like me. That sounds– Oh, that sounds good, that sounds great. I like that.” He invited me to Africa, man. He invited me, he said, “Tucker, you wanna go to Africa with me? I think you’ll like it. You’re black, I’m black. I think you’ll like it. Come on. It’ll be fun, come on.” So I started doing impressions, man. Everywhere we went, he wanted me to do him. We’re at little parties at night… “Tucker, come, come do me. Come do me. Come on over here.” Every country we went to. Finally, I got tired, we got to Nigeria and he wanted me to do it in front of the president of Nigeria. I was scared. Shit, if I mess it up, they’d put me in jail. I just said, “No, not now.” And he said, “Tucker! Come on, come do me. Come do me. Don’t act like that, come on.” I said, “Mr. President, I’m tired, it’s been a long trip. -Maybe I won’t do it this time.” -“Tucker, come on now, I need you. I set it up now. Come on, don’t let me down. You want a ride home, right, huh? You wanna ride commercial or private? You let me know, Tucker. That’s a long-ass flight home, Tucker, that’s a long flight.” [audience cheering] Clinton got Barack elected! Clinton came out there and said, “I’m telling you right now, I’m going to tell you the truth. You ain’t gonna like this, I’m gonna tell you right now. You won’t be laughing after I say this.” And black people, we love Clinton because Clinton knows how to break it down, we’d just be listening, “God damn!” We’ll be listening like he ain’t supposed to be telling us. “Clinton, you ain’t supposed to be telling that shit. We aren’t supposed to be hearing all this!” “No, I’m going to tell you ’cause you need to know! These Republicans are crazy as hell! They tried to put me out of office. Shit! And the economy was up! They don’t give a damn, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I’m not bullshitting you.” [audience cheering] He said… [giggles] He said, “Now, listen, if you’re black, you should really hear this.” And black people were like, “What? What is it?” “The Republicans are trying to bring back slavery, I swear to God! I’m not lying to you!” He know how to rattle us. “What?” “Vote for Barack, I bullshit you not. Do it. I told ya, I’m going to break it down today. I’m not gonna lie to you.” He did good for Barack. Barack was like, “God damn, that was good. Shit. Bill, that was a good-ass speech. I thought you was running for president, God damn. It was so good. [chuckles] You made it hard for me. How the hell I’m-a follow that, Bill?” [mimicking Bill] “Well, do what you gotta do, bro. I told you I was going to set you up. And that’s what you wanted, that’s what you asked. You wanted four more years, you called on your boy Billy. I’m gonna do it for you. [audience cheering and applauding] I’m gonna hook you up. I’ll do it right here. If I’m gonna do it, I’m gonna do what I do. I’m not gonna mess around with ya.” Barack was happy as hell. He came out there, “Give me five, yeah. That’s my boy, that’s my boy right here. That’s my dawg, that’s my dawg, right.” But Barack knew he was gonna get back in office when he got Bin Laden. Remember when he got Bin Laden? He knew it! He came out there, man, he was ready! He was in front of the White House lawn, he was ready. He said, “No, no. I got this. I got this. Uh, America, la-di-da-di, we got Bin Laden. Got his ass. We got him. We got him yesterday in Pakistan, 0400 hours, I sent the SEAL team over there to get him. Matter of fact, I went with ’em. And I saw him. I said, ‘Look, there he is, right there, look at him. In the window, fixin’ breakfast and shit, like he ain’t did nothing, look at him.’ I said, ‘Give me the gun. I’ll get him, I’m the president. Shit, I’ll go get him.’ So I went in and busted in there, I said, ‘Bin Laden, la-di-da-di, bitch! [imitating machine gun] Let’s get the hell out of here, come on. Let’s get on the plane. I got some chicken on this plane, come on, let’s go. Let’s get the hell out of here. Thought we forgot. Shit, no.'” Barack couldn’t believe he won the first time, remember he won the first time? He was like, “God damn, I won? Shit! Oh, shit! I was just playing, God damn. What? What the hell? Shit. I was just bullshitting.” -“Mr. President, come this way.” -“Who you talking to?” -“You.” -“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Shit. God damn, I gotta get this in my head. God damn, I was– I just wanted to find something to do, God damn. How am I gettin’ around?” “Air Force One is right over there, sir.” “God damn, I got a plane? Shit! Baby, come look at this shit. Michelle, we got a plane. God damn. Look at this! Sasha, Malia, go sit in captain’s seat. That’s your daddy’s plane. Go on up there. I got a goddamn plane for wherever the hell we wanna go.” I love his walk. Barack even got that little African walk. African-American, African walk. He’ll be walkin’ and drums be going off. [beatboxing] [vocalizing] Barack ain’t gonna put up with reporters yelling out no more, he ain’t gonna put up with that. He was doing the first year, they would say, “Mr. President, you’re a liar!” Barack was like, “Who said that shit? Who said that? Who said that? Come down and slap the hell out of you, who said that shit? Don’t talk to me like that, I’m President of the United States. Shit. I’m from South Side, Chicago. I’ll come down and whoop that ass. Come on, not this term, not this term. I put up with that last term, not this year. Not now. Not no more, I swear. You’re talking to Barry here, God damn it. Barry!” Reporters are a trip, man. These reporters be all over the place, man, they be… White reporters will go anywhere. You never see no black reporters over in these Lebanon and shit, we don’t do that. White reporters will be right over, like Anderson Cooper, all of them be over there. [mimicking Anderson] “We’re right here and there’s a bomb right behind me. It just went off. My ass is hot. I don’t know how the hell… Oh, my Lord. I don’t know why I’m here.” We’ll be on the TV, black people, “What the hell are you doing over there, Anderson? Get your ass out from over there! I don’t wanna see your ass get blown up! Turn the channel, I don’t wanna see this shit.” Black reporters, we don’t be going over there. They be trying to get us over there, we don’t go over there. That lady will be in the newsroom, CNN, and be like, “We’re about to go to Tyrone. We’re going to Tyrone in Libya. Tyrone? What’s going on over there in Libya? Tyrone? Where is he? Where is he, he’s not showing up here. Where is he? Oh, there he is. Tyrone! Hi, Tyrone. What’s going on in Libya?” “I don’t know.” “Tyrone, where are you?” “I’m downstairs in the newsroom.” “Tyrone, aren’t you supposed to be in Libya? How come you’re not there?” “Same reason your ass ain’t there, Kathy!” “Tyrone, you’re gonna get fired for this.” “I don’t give a damn. I quit! Shit! At least I’m alive!” [chuckles] Barack’s the man, man! You know, they try to get him, “Mr. President!” He’s too smart, he went to Harvard, you know he went to Harvard. You couldn’t catch him in nothin’. Barack never answer a question. He always say, “Look.” That’s all he say. He won’t answer the question. He avoid all of ’em, and he say, “And… and…” He’ll do some shit like this with his thumb, I don’t know. I think this means, “I’m-a kick your ass if you keep messing with me. Keep saying some shit like that. Keep saying it. Kick your ass.” He never answers. He always say, “Look.” If the reporter’s like, “Mr. President, what’s going on with the job situation and the gas prices?” “Well… well, see… See, we… [stammers] Well, look, we’re looking into all that. And we’re gonna get to it. We’re gonna… we’re gonna fix it.” And white reporters don’t play that shit. They be like, “Mr. President, what’s this ‘look’ shit? Answer the goddamn question!” “Well, you see, you see what I’m talking about? Y’all see this, right? This is what I’m talking about. We don’t need this in this country and look at this shit– This press conference is over. You don’t talk to me like that. This shit is over. Look at that shit, it’s over. Get up on this thing, let’s go up in this plane, I got some chicken up on this plane. Let’s get the hell out of here. Come on.” He gonna be doin’ what he wanna do now, he ain’t gonna be hidin’ nothin’. Him and Michelle are gonna be fighting in front of the White House lawn, it’s gonna get crazy. [audience applauding] “That’s okay, if she wanna go, let her go. Let her go, if she wanna go, let her go. That’s what she wanna do, let her go. She can’t take my helicopter, though. Tell her take that station wagon she came from Harvard with, take that. Gonna act like that? You know, I got all this stuff on my back. Matter of fact, if you wanna go, Michelle, take your mama. Take your mama with you. Take your mama. Sick of that. Don’t wanna hear it no more. Can’t take my kids, though. Sasha and Malia are staying with me. Wanna smoke a cigarette, I smoke when I want to. Stressed out. Take my helicopter… I need my motorcades and my helicopter. I’m the president, I got shit to do.” You know they be fussing sometime, you know. Barack be rushing her a little bit too much, rushing Michelle onto Air Force One, “Come on, babe, let’s go. I got some chicken on the plane. Let’s get up here. Let’s go.” You know, Michelle come back, “Don’t be rushing me. I don’t work for you. Shit.” Barack come back, “Oh, baby, come on, it ain’t like that, baby. Come on. Why you so mad, baby? What you gonna do? Divorce me? Take half the country? Come on, baby, don’t do that. Take half the White House? Baby, come on, it’s not that serious, don’t do that.” Michelle come back, “Nobody want this broke-ass country.” [audience cheering and applauding] [upbeat music playing] Good night, Atlanta! I love you, God bless y’all! [audience cheering uproariously] [announcer] Atlanta, Georgia, give it up for your boy, Mr. Chris Tucker! Let him hear it, Atlanta. I am a black Arab. Oh, shit! [men laughing] [inaudible] -Thanks so much. -Pleasure to meet you. Thanks so much. See you guys, man. Here, here! -Where’s Jackie? Where’s Jackie? He’s in Hong Kong. We are all sheikhs. This is Sheikh Terry. He’s so rich, he don’t even know how rich he is. That’s how rich he is. How many oil fields do you have? -I don’t know. -[chuckles] He’s so rich, he don’t like to count his money. This is Tony. He’s so rich, he doesn’t even talk. He doesn’t talk, he’s that rich. He don’t– How rich are you? I’m rich, too. I have to admit. But not like these guys. Okay, okay, I am. I own these guys. You see my Nikes. I love Americans. Some stuff American, some stuff. Abu Dhabi desert, baby! [speaking imitation Arabic] [singing in imitation Arabic] That camel said, “God damn! Who the hell is on my back?” He said, “Who? Who had those church shoes on, on my back? Look at his shoes.” [men laughing] Bond. James Bond. I’m Sheikh Tucker. With my Nikes on. Sheikh Tucker wears Nikes. ♪ We’re gettin’ Arab money Sheikh, Sheikh Tucker ♪ You ready? We’re ready. You ready? Okay! You don’t talk! I’m ready. He’s not supposed to talk! He talked! I can’t believe he talked! He must be excited. Let’s go. [men laughing] Taking advantage of every moment. Every minute. Every hour. Money is not everything. Money do not bring you happiness. It only brings you trouble. Oh, shit! God damn, he’s tall! Singapore! Singapore! Whoo-hoo! [indistinct chatter] [woman giggling] Whoo-hoo! [Chris in Australian accent] Here in Australia! Down under! Come with me again… ♪ To the land down under ♪"
1686242012-181,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous At Radio City (2018) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/john-mulaney-kid-gorgeous-at-radio-city-full-transcript/,"[organ music playing] Welcome to Radio City Music Hall. It’s time. Any questions? No. Walk with me. [eerie organ music playing] [mechanical whirring] [audience applauding and cheering] Good evening. Hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice to meet you. Jon Brion, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to see me at Radio City Music Hall. I love to play venues where if the guy that built the venue could see me on the stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it. Look at this. This is so much nicer than what I’m about to do. It’s really… It’s really tragic. What a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted building this is. I keep walking through cold spots being like, “I wonder who that used to be.” I’ve never seen a ghost, by the way. I asked my mom if she’d ever seen a ghost. That’s where we’re at conversation-wise in our relationship as a mother and son, because I’m 35 and I don’t have any children to talk about and she doesn’t understand my career. So I was home for Christmas and we were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'” And my mom said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer. She said, “I never told you this before but our house, when you were growing up, was haunted.” I said, “Say more right now!” She said, “Outside you and your brother’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.” And then my dad said, “Let’s change the subject!” And I think he was just doing that dad-thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl. “Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.” None of us really know our fathers. Anyway… My dad is so weird. I’d love to meet him someday. You know, my friend was telling me that his dad used to beat him with a belt and that’s just the setup to my story, so… Forget about that poor son of a bitch. Anyway… He was talking and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk. So he’s “talk, talk, talk.” It’s my turn next! And… [audience laughing] I said, “My dad never hit us.” My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically. One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, “How was school today?” I said, “It was good but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw.” “And where were you?” “I was over on the bench.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing. I was over on the bench.” “But you saw what happened?” “Yeah, ’cause I was over on the bench.” “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ’cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany…” [audience laughing] “ …when people saw what the Nazis were doing and did nothing, were those good people?” “No, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis.” “But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing!” “Because I was over on the bench.” And then my dad said, “Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?” And then my mom said, “I made a salad with Craisins!” And the conversation ended. My dad’s a very weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes. I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello… [chuckles] Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney. I’m your father.” And then he said the following, “You know,  Leonard Bernstein… was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” [audience laughing] Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that. And I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I’ve never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you. [audience laughing] This is so great. Thank you for coming. You’re here. That’s great. You all showed up. -[audience cheering] -I appreciate it. And then we showed up so you got to see the things that you paid to see. That’s great. You don’t always get to see the things that you paid to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those guys are never where they’re supposed to be. Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, “Hey, where’s the jaguar?” And the zoo guy is like, “He must be in the inside part.” The inside part? Tell him we’re here. [audience laughing] I love doing stand-up for crowds because this right here, this reminds me of assembly in grade school. And assembly was the only part of school I ever liked. Once you leave school, you don’t get to have assembly. This is the closest we get in adult life to assembly. ‘Cause look at you all, you’re just sitting there in chairs, looking at a guy with absolutely no expertise, who’s going to talk for a while. Although this is different than assembly because you bought tickets, you knew this was coming. Assembly you never knew was coming when you were a kid. You just showed up at 8:00 a.m. and they were like, “Put down your stuff. Go to the gym.” You’re like, “God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.” You get to the gym and the whole school is sitting on the floor. You’re like, “What are we, about to graduate from Tuesday?” My principal would always come out to kick things off. She’d be like, “Children, rather than continue to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day for this random guy.” [imitating New York accent] “I used to smoke crack! As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. But I’m here to tell you there’s hope. I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. Weekends, that’s Nunzio’s time.” I was once in assembly listening to a guy talk about smoking crack. My social studies teacher yelled at me, “Sit up straight! Show some respect.” I was like, “He’s smoking cocaine.” “Sit up straight”? He’s standing on a 45-degree angle. Or, as junkies call it, first position. [audience laughing] I always got yelled at at assembly. That’s right. There was always assembly and then, like, that second assembly to yell at you for how you behaved at the first assembly. They’d be like, “Get in here! Sit down. I want to talk about what happened yesterday.” You’re like eight years old, “What’s yesterday?” “We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you laugh at this woman? We noticed you had all been bullying each other and making fun of everything constantly. So we invite a woman with straight gray hair, in a denim dress, with a wrist-cast and homemade puppets that all have the same voice to teach you about bullying through skits, and you, ha-ha-ha, laugh it up. What was so funny about that woman? I want to know. What was so funny about when she couldn’t fit the box of puppets back into the trunk of her Dodge Neon? What was so hilarious that you all ran to the windows? Well, you all missed a valuable lesson on the danger of cliques.” “What’s a clique?” “It’s when a group of people hang out together.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” “No, because these people make fun of other people.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” [audience laughing] The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. Yeah, the hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies. You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don’t know and you are told this by an adult that you don’t know. We had the same Stranger Danger speaker every year when I was a kid, his name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Go ahead and laugh. His name is ridiculous. That was his name. It was JJ Bittenbinder. He was from the Chicago Police Department. He was a child homicide expert and… -[audience is silent] -Oh, gee. [audience laughing] Very sorry, Radio City, did that make you uncomfortable? Well, guess what? You’re adults and he’s not even here. So try being seven years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes. And he’s looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very young life that some adults find you incredibly attractive. [audience laughing] And they may just have to kill you over it. Okay, c’est la vie, go be kids, go have fun. Bittenbinder came every year. By the way, Detective JJ Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. But, instead, he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin. [audience laughing] That line never gets a laugh. But once you write it, it stays in the act forever. So Bittenbinder came every year with a program to teach us about the violent world waiting for us outside the school gym, and that program was called Street Smarts! “Time for Street Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street Smarts!” That was the general tone. He would give us tips to deal with crime.     I will share some of the tips with you this evening. “Okay, tip number one. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you.” You remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade. You know how a mugger thinks. “Man, I need cash for drugs right now. Hey, maybe that eight-year-old with the goddamn Aladdin wallet that only has blank photo laminate pages in it will be able to help.” “Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you. What do you do? You go fumbling for your wallet. And you go fumbling for your wallet. Well, in that split-second, that’s when he’s going to stab you. So here’s what you do. You kids get yourselves a money clip. Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery. You put a $50 bill in the money clip then when a guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money, go get it!’ Then you run the other direction.” And our teachers were like, “Write that down.” [audience laughing] We’re like, “Buy a money clip. Engraved, question mark?” You go home to your parents. “Hey, Dad. Can I have a silver money clip with a $50 bill in it, please? Don’t worry. I’m only going to chuck it into the gutter and run away at the first sign of trouble. The man with the mustache told me to do it.” “Tip number two. Street Smarts! Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk…” This was at nine in the morning. [audience laughing] “Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. [chuckles] Once you get your bearings… find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.” Can you imagine driving behind that? [imitating a thud] I think they’re turning left. [audience laughing] “Tip number three. Street Smarts! You kids have no upper body strength.” And we were like, “We know but, hey.” “If some guy tries to grab you, you can’t fight him with fists. So here’s what you do. You kids fall down on your back and you kick upward at him. That’ll throw him off his rhythm.” That was a big thing with Bittenbinder, throwing pedophiles off their rhythm. “He’s not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him.” [audience laughing] “If the Lindbergh baby had steel-toe boots, he’d still be alive today. Street Smarts!” Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.” Bittenbinder, he didn’t want us to not get kidnapped. He wanted us to almost get kidnapped and then fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence. Like here’s what he wanted to see on the news. “We’re here with seven-year-old John Mulaney who fended off a kidnapper earlier today. How did you do it, John?” [imitating heavy Chicago accent] “Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’! Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.” “Well, that was seven-year-old John Mulaney, currently being sued for police brutality.” [audience laughing] Bittenbinder told me things that haunt me to this day. He came one year for assembly. He goes, “Okay, when you get kidnapped…” Not if, when. [audience laughing] “Okay, so when you get kidnapped, the place where the guy grabs ya, in the biz we call that the primary location. Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.” I am 35 years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations. If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place. I’ll be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be like, “You coming to the hotel bar after? We’re all gonna get drinks and keep the party going.” I’m like, “Nah, sister. You’re not getting me to no secondary location. You want it? Go get it!” Street Smarts! Stay alert out there. I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?” I was like, “Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.” I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know? So I open up the letter and they said, “Hey, John, it’s college. You remember?” I say, “Yes, of course.” And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!” [audience laughing] “As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money.” I found this peculiar. You see, what had happened, New York, was that when I was a student, I had paid them tuition money. Every semester, two semesters a year, for four years. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars, it was about $15,000 a semester, two semesters a year, for four years. So it was about $30,000 a year for four years. So it was about $120,000, okay? So roughly speaking, I gave my college about $120,000. Okay, so you might say that I already gave them $120,000 and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money. What kind of a cokehead relative… [audience cheering] What kind of a cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you fucking spent it already? Where’s my money? I felt like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life when he’s screaming at his uncle Billy. [as Jimmy Stewart] “Where’s the money? Where’s that money, you fat motherfucker? Where’s my money? Stay down on the ground, you motherfucker!” That’s not the dialogue. But do you remember that scene from It’s a Wonderful Life? Great movie, Frank Capra, 1946. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars! I have friends I went to college with and they’re like, “You should donate and be a good alumnus.” And they wear shirts that say “school” and it’s like, look… if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you. It’s done. In their letter they were like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” I was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me a weird cinder block room with a Reservoir Dogs poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life, and probably HPV, and then we called it a day.” Probably. [audience laughing] Also, what did I get for my money? What is college? [babbles] [audience laughing] Stop going until we figure it out. Because I went to college, I have no idea what it was. I went to college, I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time. I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and Adderall. College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000. By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000 when I was 17 years old. With no attorney present. That’s illegal. They tricked me. They tricked me like Brendan Dassey on Making a Murderer. They tricked me like poor Brendan. They pulled me out of high school. I was in sweatpants, all confused. Two guys in clip-on ties are like, “Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be an English major.” And I was like, “Okay.” Yes, you heard me, an English major. -I paid $120,000. -[audience cheering] How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t. [audience laughing] That’s the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the money, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag and you realize it’s not real cocaine, it’s like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. But at least you have baby aspirin. And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, “Oh, my head,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little guy.” And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist and he leans over– [snorts] and he snorts up the baby aspirin, and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you get a duffel bag! [audience laughing] That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn’t read. [audience laughing] Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my family watching as I sweat vodka and ecstasy, to receive a four-year degree in a language that I already spoke. [audience cheering] I don’t mean to sound down on donating. [chuckles] It’s good to give to charities, you know. My wife and I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. We were moving apartments, we had a bunch of clothes and furniture, so we made a whole day out of it. We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, then we put the boxes into the back of my car, and then they stayed there for four months. And then one day my wife said, “Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?” And I said, “Of course I did! On an unrelated note, I’m going to walk out the front door right now.” So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast. It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, because I was throwing boxes at people. The boxes were so heavy I couldn’t even say what was in them. I was like, “This one’s shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take ’em away!” The guy tried to give me a big receipt. He’s like, “Take this receipt for the clothing for your taxes.” How do I write that on my taxes? “Dear IRS, please deduct from my federal income tax one XXL Billabong T-shirt from youth. It was too big. My mom said it could be a sleep shirt. Please deduct this from my 2017 income.” That sleep shirt bullshit. “Well, if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt.” No, I get that, Mom, but why don’t we just tell our relatives that I’m a four-year-old boy and I don’t wear a man’s XXL T-shirt? “Because we don’t say that when someone gives us a gift because that would not be polite.” Oh, I get it. So rather than violate these meaningless politeness rules, I’ll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn Ebenezer Scrooge. Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and a floppy hat and I’ll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown? Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along? [audience cheering] So that’s why you can’t give to charity. I’m kidding. I like to throw an “I’m kidding” at the ends of jokes now, in case the jokes are ever played in court. You ever heard a joke played in court? Never goes well. They’re like, “‘And that’s why you shouldn’t give… to charity.’ Is that something you find funny, Mr. Mulaney?” Um… at the time. [chuckles] I found out recently that jokes don’t do well in court. So, some friends of mine were sued in college for property damage. And they were guilty. And the lawsuit dragged on for years and years and eventually I got a call when I was 28 years old. It was my friend from college, he said, “Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on and my neighbor just subpoenaed all my emails from college that mention him or the lawsuit.” And I said, “That’s crazy. But why are you calling me?” And he said, “Because you should be concerned.” [audience laughing] He said, “I have an email here from junior year where I wrote, ‘Hey, guys, I’m going to miss practice tonight because I have to meet with my neighbor about that lawsuit thing.’ And you replied, ‘Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you. Okay. See you at improv practice.'” [audience laughing]     Of all the sentences in that email I would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, I think the top one is “See you at improv practice.” Strange, the passage of time. I’m not that old. I’m 35, that is not old. But I am in a new phase right before old called “gross.” [audience laughing] I never knew about this, but I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. [chuckles] Like the back of a dolphin, my back. I am slick. The butt part of my pants is a little damp a lot and I don’t think it’s anything serious… but isn’t it, though? And… I’ll be sitting at a restaurant and I’ll get up and I’ll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. I’m gross now. I’ve been talking through burps. I never used to do this. When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I’d be like, “Silence!” Blagh! Now I’m trying to push ’em down and muscle through ’em. I’ll be at dinner, just doing the bread and the seltzer, filling up like a hot air balloon, and then I’m like… [belches] “Did you say you were going to Italy? Because we have a travel– She has a travel agent if– [exhales] I’m going to the kitchen, does anyone need anything? From the… [belches] Anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John! I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s how much I hate that shit. [audience laughing] I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans] You know, life. And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself. “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” [audience laughing] “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me. Not to be mean. This was a song from deep in her subconscious. I don’t even think she was aware she was singing it. But it was certainly not the first time she had sung it. I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room. [audience laughing] And it’s not getting any better. I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?” This is it. It’s just going to be this. I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. As I get older, it’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s tempting. I get grumpy about some things. Like, I can’t listen to any new songs because every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas on Wednesday? Okay. Well, Let’s Just Not See Each Other for Eight Months And It Doesn’t Matter at All.” [audience cheering] I’m trying to stay nice though, because when I was a kid, I was raised that you should be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. But now, at the end of my life, I don’t know, because a lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. Or maybe they have different definitions of what it means to be nice. That’s something you figure out as you get older and meet new people. Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. You learn that especially when you get jobs. I had a very weird job in my mid-20s for about four and a half years. I was a writer right across the street over at  Saturday Night Live. It was very exciting. Yeah. [audience cheering] It was great. I loved it. If you haven’t seen the show, you gotta check it out. They have a host and a musical guest. Oh, my God, you’re going to love it. Real quick tangent. Okay, my favorite host ever introducing a musical guest was this. The host was Sir Patrick Stewart, the great Sir Patrick Stewart, and this is how he introduced the musical guest. “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!” [audience laughing] Like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been, “Sir Patrick, we can’t find Pepa anywhere.” And he’s like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone!” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and… what’s this? Pepa!” Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct. And they would all come in to Saturday Night Live and they’d have to meet with me because I was a little rat writer and they’d have to talk about the sketches. They’d sit on my office couch that had like bed bugs and stuff. It was great. Like, they were famous, but it was my couch. It’d be like if you went into your childhood bedroom and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there. Yeah, he’s Joe DiMaggio, he’s a legend, he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, but only you know where the bathroom is. [audience laughing] Everyone always wants to know if famous people are nice. Like Mick Jagger. He came in to host the show. My friends were all like, “Is he nice?” No! Or maybe he is… for his version of life. Because he has a very different life. He’s Mick Jagger. That’s his name. He’s played to stadiums of 20,000 people cheering for him like he’s a god for 50 years. That must change you as a person. If you do that for 50 years, you’re never again going to be like, “Um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow?” None of that bullshit way we all have to talk to get through life. [in plaintive voice] “Hi. Knock, knock. Sorry.” That’s how I walk into rooms. I am 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, “Hi. Knock, knock.” I say “knock, knock” out loud. Mick Jagger didn’t talk like that. Mick Jagger talked like this. He’d go, “Yes! No! Yes!” I pitched him a joke and he went, “Not funny!” [audience laughing] I mean, people say that on the internet, but never to your face does a British billionaire in leather pants go, “Not funny!” I spent two hours alone with Mick Jagger that week. We were writing song lyrics, it was for a fake song in a comedy sketch. And he was sitting there, and we came to one point and he goes, “All right, ‘Let’s all go to the picnic, let’s all have a drink.’ Let’s see, what rhymes with drink?” And I said… “Think?” And Mick Jagger said, “No!” [audience laughing] And then I said, “Sink?” And Mick Jagger said… “Yeah!” And I was like, “Motherfucker, is this how you write songs? Just one word at a time with verbal abuse?” “All right, ‘I can’t get no…'” -Happiness? -“No!” -Satisfaction? -“Yeah! All right! Next sentence! Space bar. Indent. Space bar.” Mick Jagger would go like this, “Diet Coke!” And one would appear in his hand. Now that’s not nice, right? The way I was raised, you’re supposed to say, “May I please have a Diet Coke, please?” And then maybe you will get one. And I bet all of you were taught to say please and thank you. But if all of us could go, “Diet Coke!” and one would appear in our hand, we’d do it all day long. Even if you don’t like Diet Coke, you’d just summon ’em so you could chuck ’em at oncoming cars. Famous people are often rude because they’re used to getting things really quickly. I bet a lot of us are pretty polite. But as soon as we get things quickly, we start to get ruder and ruder. Look at technology, it’s faster than ever and we’re ruder than ever. People walk around on the phone now, “Hello? You still there? Lost him.” And that’s it. No follow-through with that guy. Fifty years ago, if you were on the telephone with your friend and suddenly the line just went dead, that meant your friend was murdered. The phone used to be a big deal. It was a long, polite process. Back in the 1940s, the phone was like a wood box… with a thing on it. I don’t know. It had its own room. You’d go, “That’s the phone’s room!” And it was expensive. You’d wait all week to make your call. “It’s almost Tuesday!” And then you’d take the cup on the string or whatever… There weren’t even numbers. You’d just go, “Hello? Anyone? [yells] Anyone in the world?” Then you’d go, “Operator, ring me Neptune 5-117.” And the operator was a real person that you had to be nice to. She’d be like, “One moment, please. I’m putting wires into a board filled with holes to move the voices around, ’cause it is the ’40s.” And it took like 90 minutes. Now people just drive around screaming at their phones like… -Call home! -“Calling the mobile for Tom.” Not fucking Tom! [imitating Mick Jagger] Not funny!     [audience laughing] Everything was slower back in the old days ’cause they didn’t have enough to do, so they had to slow things down to fill the time. I don’t know if you read history, but back then people would wake up and go, “God, it’s the old times.” [audience laughing] “Shit, I gotta wear all those layers. There’s no Zyrtec or nothing. Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.” And they did. Have you ever seen old film from the past of people just waving at a ship? [audience laughing] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday at 10:00 a.m.? All right, there’s a Norwegian Cruise Line leaving for Martinique. Here’s my plan, you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship. [audience laughing] Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers, the world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. May I see my stuff, please? [grumbles] “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fucking what? [audience cheering] You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean. I just like old-fashioned things. I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff. [audience cheering] Yeah. One day… Well, it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo, and… [audience laughing] there was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That is in the middle of the Civil War. And the whole town built a gazebo. What was that town meeting like? “All right, everyone, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and… everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walk into the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain, but you still want to hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” [audience laughing] Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now. [audience laughing and applauding] Yes. Thank you for clapping at my political gazebo material. I’m very brave. I’ve never really cared about politics. Never talked about ’em much. But then, last November, the strangest thing happened. [audience laughing] Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky. Here’s how I try to look at it, and this is just me, this guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what’s going  to happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the horse is going to do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before, he’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts. [audience cheering] They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital. When a horse is loose in a hospital, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the horse do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The horse used the elevator?” [audience laughing] I didn’t know he knew how to do that. [audience laughing] The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all. [audience laughing] You’re down in the operating room like, “Hey, has anyone…” [audience laughing]     “Has anyone heard–” [imitates clopping hooves] Those are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the horse has finally calmed down.” And then ten seconds later the horse is like, “I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and smash ’em with my hooves. I’ve got nice hooves and a long tail, I’m a horse!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse. And then… [audience cheering] Then… Then you go to brunch with people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital.” And it’s like, “We’re well past that.” Then other people are like, “If there’s gonna be a horse in the hospital, I’m going to say the N-word on TV.” And those don’t match up at all. And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the horse, and then, 5,000 miles away, a hippo was like, “I have a nuclear bomb and I’m going to blow up the hospital!” And before we could say anything, the horse was like, “If you even fucking look at the hospital, I will stomp you to death with my hooves. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can stomp you with my hooves, I’m so fucking crazy.” “You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m a fucking hippopotamus. I live in a fucking lake of mud. I’m fucking crazy.” And all of us are like, “Okay.” Like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions. “Okay.” And then, for a second, we were like, “Maybe the horse-catcher will catch the horse.” And then the horse is like, “I have fired the horse-catcher.” [audience laughing] He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember that in Hamilton. [audience laughing] Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse, people will get upset. These are the people that opened the door for the horse. I don’t judge anyone. But sometimes I ask people. I go, “Hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?” And they go, “Well, the hospital was inefficient!” [audience laughing] Or sometimes they go, “If you’re so mad at the horse, how come you weren’t mad when the last guy did this three and a half years ago? You’re beating up on the horse when the last guy essentially did the same thing five years ago.” First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, “It’s tomorrow now!” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. That was fun when we watched Beetlejuice tonight. “Don’t you mean last night? It’s after midnight.” Why don’t you get your sleeping bag and get out of my house! Take your EpiPen, take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my house! But when people say, “How come you were never mad at the last guy?” I say, “Because I wasn’t paying attention.” I used to pay less attention before it was a horse. Also, I thought the last guy was pretty smart, and he seemed good at his job, and I’m lazy by nature. [audience cheering] I’m lazy by nature too. So I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job. You may think that’s an ignorant answer but it’s not, it’s a great answer. If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not going to race home and check the nanny cam. But if you leave your baby with Gary Busey… [audience laughing] And now there’s Nazis again. [audience laughing] When I was a kid Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. [audience laughing] Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. These new Nazis, “Jews are the worst, Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life.” It’s like, “You know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?” [audience laughing] I’m allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [audience laughing] I’ve been married for about three and a half years now -and I was going out on tour… [cheering] Thank you very much. And I love and respect my wife very much. So I said to her, “We’ve been married for three and a half years.” And she knew that. I said, “Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage? And my wife said, “Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.” I was like, “The bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That’s it?” Also, I wouldn’t say that. What kind of show would that even be? Hello. My wife is a bitch! And I don’t like her! That’s like a support group for men in crisis, with keynote speakers Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin. [audience laughing] Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much. [audience cheering] She is a dynamite, five-foot, Jewish bitch and she’s the best. She and I have totally different styles. When my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing. [audience laughing] My wife and I went to Best Buy to get a TV. We didn’t end up getting the TV. I was afraid that the Best Buy guy was going to be mad at me, so I bought an HDMI cable. [audience laughing] I go to the register with Anna, my wife’s name Anna, she’s standing next to me, I hand the guy the HDMI cable. He takes it, he scans it, he says, “Do you have a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No, I wish!” [audience laughing] And then my wife said, “Jesus Christ!” And fully walked away from me. Walked all the way to the laser printers and just stood there, Blair Witch style. And I’m still up at the register like… [audience laughing] And the guy goes, “Do you want a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No.” Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life. I was hoping he’d believe me, that it was secretly my great wish but that I’m in an abusive marriage with little Miss Jesus Christ over here so I can’t ask for the things I want in public but at home, at night, we argue about it and I’m like, “You’ll see! One day I’m going to leave you and I’m going to get that Best Buy Rewards card.” She’s like, “Jesus Christ, you’re never going to get that Best Buy Rewards card!” My wife is Jewish, as I said, I was raised Catholic. We have differences in our religious upbringings and we realized this recently. Not with our kids, because we don’t have any kids. People always ask us, “Are you going to have kids?” and we say no. And then they go, “Never? You’re never going to have kids?” Look, I don’t know “never.” Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change. [audience laughing] But we don’t have any kids now and it’s great. We have a dog though. We have a four-year-old French bulldog. Her name is Petunia. [audience cheering] The idea of people applauding for that little monster. Just… I mean, I would never tell her that you applauded. It would go right to her ego, that little monster who just rubs her vulva on the carpet while staring at me in the eye. [imitates dog snarling] I know her vulva itches and she needs to rub it, but the thumping of the back paws… It’s upsetting. I’m just kidding. I love Petunia very much. She’s one of my most favorite people I’ve ever met in my life. Petunia likes to be very social but she can’t walk very far because she has a flat face, so she can’t breathe by design. But she wants to go out and meet people but we can’t walk her for that long. Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that we bought a stroller for our dog. [audience laughing] My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French bulldog in a stroller, and it’s a big stroller and it has a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby. [audience laughing] And instead they see a gargoyle breathing like Chris Christie. [imitates dog snarling] Her paws are sweating. We’re like, “He’s sick.” [chuckles] But religion came up with Petunia recently. My wife and I were talking about cute things that Petunia could be involved in. And I said, “What if we got like a Biblical painting done with Petunia in it?” And my wife is like, “That would be so cute. We should do like The Last Supper.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, that would be so cute. We should do all different French Bulldogs as the different Apostles.” And my wife was like, “We should have Petunia in the middle where Jesus is, in front of the turkey.” And I was like, “Wait, what did you just say?” [audience laughing] “Did you say the turkey?” And my wife said, “Yeah, why?” And I said… I said, “Would you just answer me one question? Do you think that in da Vinci’s The Last Supper that Jesus of Nazareth is sitting in front of a turkey?” [audience laughing] And my wife said, “Yes, I do,” and I said, “Thank you for your honesty. Would you just– Just one more follow-up question. So then what do you think they’re celebrating?” [audience laughing] “What do you think… those guys are celebrating?” She said, “Okay, I don’t get this shit because I wasn’t raised Catholic and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked-up organization.” I said, “No. We all know that.” [audience laughing] “But what do you think those guys are celebrating?” And my wife looked at the floor. And then she looked at me and said, “Thanksgiving.” [audience laughing] My family went to church every Sunday when I was a kid. My wife cannot believe this. She’s like, “You went every Sunday?” -“Yes.” -“What if you were out of town?” I was like, “They have them out of town.” I don’t know if you grew up going to church and now you don’t, but it can be a weird existence. Because I like to make fun of it all day long, but then if someone like Bill Maher says, “Who would believe in a man up in the sky?” I’m like, “My mommy, so shut the fuck up!” [audience cheering] “Stop calling my mommy dumb.” If you grew up going to church and you have adult friends that didn’t, they have a lot of questions. “Wait, so they forced you to go?” Yeah, I was five, I was forced to go everywhere. No kid is just going to church. Riding by on his Huffy, like, “Whoa! What’s this place? A weird Byzantine temple with green carpeting where everyone has bad breath and I wear clothes that I hate on one of the mornings of my two days off? Let’s do this.” [audience laughing]     But people get very suspicious. They’re like, “What did they say in there? What do they do? What did they tell you?” I don’t know, it was an hour. That should be the slogan for the Catholic church. “It’s an hour!” It’s a few stories, normally about a guy with a crazy name whose wife has a normal name. “In that town lives Zepheriuses and his wife Rachel.” How come she gets to be Rachel? “On their way to Galilee, Jesus met Enos and Barak and their wives, Kylie and Lauren.” And you’re like, “What? That’s the same joke twice.” [audience laughing] Then there’s the homily. If you’re not Catholic, the homily is when the priest does a book report that is also stand-up comedy. [audience laughing] It normally begins with a charming anecdote that is fake and never happened. “A woman was at a shopping mall with her young son.” What was the woman’s name? Hey, Father, what was the name of the shopping mall? Your story doesn’t have a lot of details. You only had a week to work on it and you’ve had the book for 2,000 years. [audience laughing] And then there’s some songs normally sung by an usher. One of these ushers that opens the door for you and gives you the pamphlet and they all look like Marco Rubio. [audience laughing] That guy will get up and sing into the microphone. He’s not a singer… ’cause he’s not good at it. But he tries. He sings the Psalms. Remember the Psalms? They’re not songs ’cause they don’t rhyme and they’re not good. They’re perfectly named, they’re not quite songs, they’re Psalms. It’s a word you’re meant to mishear. “I’m gonna sing a Psalm today.” What’s that? You’re gonna sing a song? “Yeah. It’s a Psalm.” And then these guys get up in front of everyone and they’re like… ♪ The bread of God is bread ♪
 ♪ He will bring us bread ♪
 ♪ No one but the one from Jericho ♪
 ♪ Can bring bread to bread ♪ And then the guy goes like this. [audience laughing] And that means we’re supposed to sing our lines, except we don’t know our lines for shit. Where’s that pamphlet? Where’s that pamphlet they gave us? Move the jackets. Ah-ha-ha! ♪ The bread of bread is bread ♪
 ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ It’s just dads singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing. ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪
 ♪ Is God is bread ♪
 ♪ Is God is bread… ♪ “Sing, goddamn it!” My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said, “God can’t hear you.” [audience laughing] Goodnight, New York. Thank you very much. [audience cheering] [“Lithium” playing on organ] [organist and audience singing “Lithium” chorus] [audience cheering]"
1686242888-396,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Amy Schumer Presents: Parental Advisory (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-presents-parental-advisory-transcript/,"[announcer] Please welcome your host, Amy Schumer. [cheers, applause] Thank you, wow! Thank you so much! I deserve this, I do. Totally. Please, sit. Please! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Well, if we didn’t have COVID yet, we’ve got it now. What a way to go. I have not had COVID yet. Who else? Clap if you haven’t had COVID yet. I love how smug everybody… Yeah! And the other people just look at you like, “Fuck you.” But no, sorry, we haven’t had it yet, you guys. We’re sorry… I guess God chooses he who protects. No. We’re going to get it. We’re going to get it tonight. So, um… I don’t know if you know this, but I had a baby. Thank you, thank you. Thank you. Not bad for a year, right? Not bad? It’s been three… it’s been three years. I still haven’t made a baby book for my son. My mom’s really trying to get me to make a baby book. I just can’t do it. She kept, like, serious baby books on all of us. But if you think about a baby book, it’s really just, like, a lot of teeth, and hair, and fingerprints. It’s really a serial killer’s log. She wrote one milestone down for me that I just saw recently. I couldn’t believe it, that she thought this was good. It was, “At 24 months, Amy can now watch up to three hours of television.” This is a milestone she felt she was proud of. My son reaches that milestone daily, so don’t worry about it. People are like, “How much screen time?” I’m like “All screen time. Always.” My mom makes scrapbooks for me, which people hear and they go, “Aw.” But she puts every single thing in there. Things that I have tried to avoid. It’ll be some tabloid like, “Amy Schumer: Pregnant, or Just Fat?” in the book. I’m like, “Did you think I needed to remember this?” You know? Our son, his name is Gene. Yeah, he’s a little cutie. He was named Gene for my husband’s mother, Jean, was her name. She passed away, which is so sad… but to not have a mother-in-law? I’m sorry! I obviously did something right in a former life, I’m sorry! So his first name’s Gene, and then we named him Attell for his middle name, after Dave Attell, the incredible comedian. Yes. He’s an old family friend of mine. And then my husband’s last name is Fischer. Which is also why I’ll never take his last name, because I don’t want to be Amy Fischer. Who, some of you my age know, was the Long Island Lolita who tried to kill her boyfriend’s wife. So anyway! So anyway, we name our son, and then, about a month into being a new mom, not a vulnerable time at all, I realize that we have named our son Gene Attell. Genital. Genital Fissure… Anyone else ever fuck up to that extent? Probably not. Probably not. So we immediately changed his middle name. I hope it’s better. We changed it to “Dingleberry.” Is that good? Will that do well in school? My son just saw my lower back tattoo for the first time. That’s a fun conversation, right? He’s like, “What is that?” And I just explained to him “Your mom is trash.” Okay, okay. I try so hard. Like, you try so hard to be a good parent, and it’s just… You don’t get better at being a parent. You just get so used to fucking up. Right? That’s really what it is. It’s just like, you get used to it. He’s been… I’ve been showing him Disney movies, that’s been a lot of fun. Except they’re all so problematic. If any of you have kids and you watch Disney movies with them, before every Disney movie now, it just says, uh, it says, “Look, we fucked up, okay?” It says, “We fucked up then, and now, and we’re sorry, and we’re going to just leave this here, but it’s fucked up.” And it’s true. And I’m like, “What are they talking about? It’s Peter Pan,” you know? So we start Peter Pan. All the indigenous people, they show… “Oh-wo-wo”. Awful. So fucked up. I’m like, “This isn’t good. What else?” All the women in these movies… in Peter Pan, it’s just these mermaids. Remember the mermaids? They’re all topless, but long hair. They all speak in a whisper. They’re all, “Oh, Peter. We miss you so much, Peter. Oh, we’re so wet. We’re mermaids!” I’m like, “You can’t watch this!” Don’t even try to watch Jungle Book, okay? So I’m like, “Let’s scrub forward, let’s see some of the newer ones,” I heard Tangled was cute, so we watched Tangled. And it’s about Rapunzel, you know, long blonde hair Rapunzel. And spoiler alert: in this movie, if you cut Rapunzel’s hair, something horrible happens. It turns brown! And that happens! Her hair gets cut, and then she has short, brown hair! She’s revolting! But even though she’s hideous, the prince still finds a way to love her. Isn’t that beautiful? That’s what I want my son to grow up with. I have such a bad habit right now when I read him books, which I do, because I’m a hero. Anytime there’s like an even vaguely blonde attractive woman in any book, I’m like, “Who does that look like?” Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears, and I’m like, “Goldilocks, who…? Remind you of anyone?” He’s like, “Mommy!” I’m like, “Oh, my God, thank you!” Then he sees a bear, he’s like “Mommy!” I’m like, “Only when prompted, okay?” All right, you guys are such a great crowd, we’re going to have such a fun night together. [cheers, applause] This is really an incredible line-up of some of my best friends and my favorite comedians, and we’re all here to vent about our families, so we’re really happy that you’re here to do that with us. So to kick us off, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ron Funches! [cheers, applause] Hi! Hi! Thank you! What a fun show, we get to talk about families? I fucking love families. Oh, I’m doing real well. My family life’s going well. I just had my year anniversary with my wife, which is wonderful. Yeah. It’s the second marriage, so I feel like this one’s going to stick. I recommend, if you’re in your first marriage, just get that one out of the way. You’re not even in your final form yet. After my first marriage, I was a little bit worried I’d be damaged goods and people wouldn’t want me, but it’s kind of the opposite, you know? I knew more about myself, I knew what I liked, what I didn’t like. I know how good my marriage is now because I could base it off of how shitty my first marriage was. And I’m not one of those comics that like to talk shit about their ex, it’s just that we were married too young. We didn’t really trust each other, didn’t respect each other. She kept trying… I was a little bit bigger then, and she kept trying to dress me in clothes with, like, giant dogs on them all the time. Or just a lot of bright floral patterns and khaki shorts. Just trying to make me look like a Black Gabriel Iglesias. Basically just keeping me real unfuckable. But my wife now, she wants me to be cute! Before I leave the house, she checks the hair. She makes sure I’m suited and booted. She wants people to want to fuck me! That’s a good marriage! Thank you! I didn’t know a marriage could be fun like that! I thought it had to be a constant fight, constant struggle. I didn’t know marriage could just be hanging out, laughing together, watching Seinfeld all day, until you get your dick sucked. When you boil marriage down to that one sentence, I mean, oh, my God, it is beautiful. Especially if you understand how often I’ve watched Seinfeld all day… without getting my dick sucked. But no longer. Uh-uh. Now I get excited as soon as I hear the theme song. Yeah, as soon as I hear that, “Bom-buh-bom-bom-bom” I’m like, “Ooh, I better go get her scrunchie!” A lot of you related to that scrunchie material. You got to be considerate. My wife is a very considerate person, that’s how we fell in love. Before we met, I had already been married before, I had my son already. And I was like, “This is going to be my focus.” But she came into my life and she was such a nice person. She kept asking me the same question over and over and over, until she wormed her way into my heart. And I’m going to let you know what she asked me in case you need to trap a man. My wife kept asking me… if I was drinking enough water. And I was like, “We both know the answer is no.” I think the real question here is, “Why the fuck do you care?” But it was because she cared about me! She cared about my well-being. And that was off-putting to me, I didn’t like that at first. I was used to these Los Angeles vampire bitches. But she just kept at it. I’d go up to take her on a date, I’d pick her up at her house, ring the doorbell, she’d answer the door, and you know what she would have waiting for me? A bottle of water! If I was lucky enough to get her back to my house and spend the night, I’d wake up in the morning, turn over, she’d already be gone. But do you know what would be laying in her place? Bottle of water! One day it just got to me, and I was like, “Aw… no bitch ever cared about my hydration!” After my first marriage, I didn’t drink water for five years straight. Nobody said a word. And I was walking around with adult-onset jaundice, it was terrible. One thing I love about my wife is she came in right away, was a great stepmom. Again, I’m a single father for most of my life. I have a son who was diagnosed with autism when he was two years old. We went through a lot of therapy, seizures, different issues, and I’m very proud that he’s now a 19-year-old high school graduate. [cheers, applause] Working at a grocery store. I worked at a grocery store when I was 19, a little bit before I had him. So I’m like, “As long as you don’t knock somebody up in the next six months, you’re killing it!” He’s got great discipline, and I don’t know where he got it. Because I never disciplined him. I didn’t know how, especially having a teenager and someone who had autism. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what was teenager-related, I didn’t know what was autism-related. I didn’t know which of these things made him download sixty episodes of The Price Is Right. But I know that’s not normal. The Price Is Right is a fine show, but it is the same damn show every day! I’m like, “Son, did you need to fill the entire DVR with Price Is Right?” He’s like, “Oh, I’m just trying to keep season stats, Dad.” I’m like, “Okay, so it’s the autism.” Carry on. I love watching him become an adult, have his own likes and dislikes. My favorite thing in the world is I share a Spotify account with my son. And at the end of the year, I get that “Spotify Wrapped” and I love it. Because I get to find out what an autistic teenager thinks is the hottest song of the year. It turns out my son’s favorite song of all of last year… this is an honest to God fact… was just the sound effect… of bees… buzzing in a meadow. No! Yeah, it’s cute when you don’t live with it. But try coming home to that every day. You can’t even do normal parent stuff. You can’t be like, “Hey! Can you turn down this… delightful summer’s day?” He’s just like, “Dad, you don’t understand the music that speaks to my generation! You need to open your mind! It’s got a good buzz to it.” Thank you guys for your time, I’m Ron Funches. [cheers, applause] Hi, Amy! Hi, Ron! Bye! Good job! Bye! How funny is Ron Funches? You’re such a good crowd. Alright, please keep that energy going. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Jaye McBride! [cheers, applause] Alright! Thank you so much. Man, it is great to be out without a mask on. Right? Alright. I actually had a guy refuse to have sex with me unless I wore a mask. I know, and this is way before the pandemic. It wasn’t even a medical mask, it was like a Spider-Man mask. He’s like, “I got you now, Web Slinger!” Which… Well, you take what you can get, right? I have a tough time dating. Y’all know I’m trans, right? Y’all figure that out already, you bunch of…? Look at you, you bunch of L.A. detectives. Y’all are like, “Of course I know. I’m from Kansas, not from Mars, I can tell.” The weird thing is, I wasn’t trans before I got the vaccine. Fucking Johnson & Johnson, I swear to God. One shot, my ass. No, I actually transitioned 15 years ago, which, oh, no, thank you, but… No, don’t clap, don’t clap. I only did it to compete in the Olympics. I’m no hero. But man. And I knew early on, like I knew real early, when I was like, five, we took the dog to the vet to get fixed, and I was in the back yelling, “Do me next!” I was raised Irish Catholic too, which made it tough. I know, right? Like here’s how Irish Catholic I am. My grandmother had ten kids. Yeah, ten. That’s a good Irish Catholic woman, right? And she had two miscarriages, so she was pregnant 12 times in 16 years. I know, right? She didn’t have periods, she had commas. Yeah, my grandmother was old-school. Yeah. Like, she was like… She also told me once that she didn’t believe in gay people. Like, that’s what she said, “I don’t believe in gay people.” Which is weird because she did believe in angels, leprechauns, and Sasquatch. I have an uncle who’s a priest. Yeah, he said to me once, he said, “I don’t ever want to watch you do comedy because I don’t want to listen to you talk about having sex with a man.” So I just send him pictures. [cheers, applause] That wasn’t his reaction. No, people always say, “If you were raised more religiously, you would have turned out normal.” I’m like, “Honey, I was an altar boy. And I loved it!” Oh, no, the priest never touched me, or hit on me, or molested me. And I tried everything, too. I was like, “Father, this confessional is too hot for pants!” My dad thought that being an altar boy would turn me into a man, but apparently sitting around in a dress drinking wine all day didn’t do the job! Yeah, my dad wasn’t a fan of this whole thing. I remember when I was little, I was like, “Dad, what do you call a little boy who wants to be a little girl?” He said, “I don’t know, but they’re definitely not getting any ice cream!” Terrible, right? Don’t worry, he dies in the end. Wow, some of you either love dark humor or you hate your dad. I don’t know. My dad died around Christmas time, which was tough. I didn’t know what to ask for because I already got what I wanted! So I’m in therapy. Alright, thank you, I guess. No, I’m in therapy. I’ve really been talking to my therapist a lot about my mom. My mom passed away and… I know, you’re like, “Aw, dead mom, dead dad. What next, Little Orphan Tranny?” We are talking about my mom a lot. Like, my mom was great. My therapist said I should talk to my mom every day, you know, which seems a little… crazy, so I just talk to the mannequin in the attic I dressed up in her clothes. But she was great. My mom was great. She was like this Martha Stewart-type, you know? A convicted felon who could cook. And when I first came out to her as trans, it sort of took her a while. She said she had to pray to God after I told her. Which makes sense, because if you’re a middle-aged white woman and you don’t like something, you talk to the manager. Hit a little close to home, huh, L.A.? No, I still try to please my mom. After she passed away, I thought, I’m going to do something nice. So I decided I was going to spread her remains in her favorite place: the town I grew up in, it’s a town called Westport, New York. It’s in the Adirondack Mountains, it’s on Lake Champlain. Don’t clap, you’re not from there. But it’s beautiful. I drive six hours and start to spread her remains. Someone comes running out and says, “Stop, you can’t do that!” And I’m like, “Why not?” He said, “You have to cremate her first.” So then I had to put her back in the garbage bag. So she’s at her second favorite place. Behind an Arby’s. That’s why I’m late tonight, and… I have three brothers. It was weird with three brothers, like our parents were kind of cheap, so when they ran the bath water, they did it once. And we all had to share, one right after another, right? Oh, it’s the worst. If you’re the last one, it’s like the Hudson River at low tide. And I’m in there, and I’m looking down one day, and I’m thinking, “This is disgusting. I’m 32 years old…” I did have a brother disown me when he found out I was trans, but it’s fine. I try to take the high road, you know? When I heard he and his wife had a child, I sent the nicest greeting card. It said, “Congratulations, it’s a boy… for now!” Thank you guys so much. [cheers, applause] Jaye McBride, let her hear it! Alright! I don’t know if you guys are familiar with the Oscars, but I just… Yeah, I got to co-host the Oscars this year. Yes. And… You know, we all saw that sad thing that happened. Jessica Chastain won. No, it was really sad, the Will Smith thing where he hit Chris Rock. It was a total bummer, shocking, but you know, I guess it’s like, he got in one little fight and his mom got scared, I don’t know. I don’t know! I got censored that night. There were a couple things that I wasn’t allowed to say. So I think I’ll tell you guys right now. [audience cheers] Yeah, you guys seem like bad people. Okay. I don’t know why they said no. So my husband was going down on me, or as he calls it, “Squid Game.” So… he’s in my Nightmare Alley… my House of Gucci. And I say, “C’mon, C’mon,” you know? He goes “tick, tick… BOOM!” He “Bells fast,” I say, “Get off my Dune,” and that’s how our son was born. What do you think?     [cheers, applause] Alright, let’s keep it moving right along. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Christina P! [cheers, applause] Oh! Hello, Los Angeles. Woohoo! Oh, man, I moved to Texas. I was in Angelino for 44 years, I’m sorry, I know. I feel guilty being here. I feel like a divorced dad… that’s come back to visit their kid. I’m like, “Listen, I love your mom, but I had to go, okay?” You don’t understand, man, they were wearing N-95s in their cars alone and shit, It was really fucking… But yeah, so… You know, I’m a… I’m a solidly middle-aged mom now. Yeah, thank you. And like, everything makes me fat. Everything. And I live in Texas, so the only thing I can eat with no calories is Klonopin. And I love it, I just dip it in barbecue sauce! [smacks lips] And I like the South, they’re very nice, they’re very cool, but everything moves at a glacial pace. They have zero sense of urgency. And then I realized, I was like, “Well, what am I hurrying to? There’s nothing to do.” What, am I hurrying to get to Chick-fil-A before it closes on Sunday? You guys know why Chick-fil-A is closed on Sunday, right? Because… Well, that’s the day they grind up all the gay people to make… the batter for the biscuits. They’re so good! Ha ha! And they take homosexual semen, and that’s what that orange sauce… Delicious. The Christians are on this side, they’re not… Alright. Okay, so, I’ve been married for 17 years, and oh, thank you. And he still pees on me in the shower, so that’s… cool. And he does this super creepy thing where he likes to make eye contact with me while he does it. And he pretends like he doesn’t know what’s happening. He’ll stare at me, and he’ll be like, “Do you smell that? Do you smell that? Smells bad. Can you smell that?” I’m like “No, I just had COVID.” COVID blessings. So, I have a three-year-old boy, and a six-year-old boy, and a husband, so I see more dicks than an episode of Euphoria on any given day. Don’t you love Euphoria? That’s such a middle-aged mom show. I know. Euphoria is Cobra Kai with titties. It is the best. So people are always telling me, they’re like, “You know, Christina, those kids, they grow up so fast.” I’m like, “Do they? What are you feeding yours? Because I would like to speed this shit up.” Okay? And it’s not the kids that bum me out, it’s the parenting world. Because there’s way too many demands on parents. Like now, I got to dress my children in organic cotton gender-neutral clothing. I have to find them inclusive, non-ableist toys. And you got to breastfeed until they’re in college, did you know that? Oh, yeah. There was a woman in my “Mommy and Me” class breastfeeding her four-year-old. I’m sorry, 208-week-old, yes? Will McKenzie be weaned in time for prom? My parents didn’t do shit. Right? Parents before never had to do anything. My parents didn’t even put a seatbelt on me in the car. I used to ride in the back of my dad’s pick-up truck… in a lawn chair, and then I would hang out trying to tag street signs. And then when the cops pulled you over, he’d let you play with his gun. But today, oh, my God, the parents, they’re all freaked out. You ever see these helicopter moms? These helicopter moms? Yeah. So, I go to the park, and that’s “me time,” you know? I have a beer, I chill out. You just let them run, that’s what the park is for! [man] Yeah! Right. Then I see these poor helicopter moms, and look, I get it. I was like that after my first kid. You ever see that mom that’s trying to do it right? You’re just trying to do it right, and she’s narrating everything the kid is doing, as they’re doing it. “Okay. Good job, Cooper! Good job, Cooper! Yeah, Cooper, now put your foot on the ladder, Cooper. Good job! Put your foot on the ladder, Cooper, now run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, run across, Cooper, good job, Cooper, good job, Cooper! Would you like a snack, Cooper? Cooper, snack? Snack? Cooper, Cooper? How about a cheese stick? How about a cheese stick? Water? Water? Water? Cooper? Cooper? Snack? Snack? Snack? Snack?” Oh! Oh! Oh, until finally, little Cooper couldn’t take it anymore, and he goes, “I need space!” I almost high-fived that kid, I was like, “Look at you, asserting boundaries with your mother! That took me ten years in psychotherapy! You just figured that out?” And stop telling kids to be themselves. Jesus Christ. Stop telling kids to be themselves. They already know how. They know how. Just ask my sons. They’re probably naked right now on the driveway, wearing nothing but cowboy boots. And the other day, my son runs up to me, the older one, the six-year-old, he runs up to me naked, and he goes, “Hey, Mom, hey, Mom! You want a surprise?” And then he turned around and he farted right at me. Timing was impeccable. The three-year-old sees that, and does the exact same thing: “Hey, Mom! Mom! Mom! You want to see a… Do you want to see a surprise?” Turns around, spreads his cheeks apart, and goes, “Smell my ass! Smell it!” Yeah, I’d say you have a pretty good idea of who you are when you aim your asshole at somebody, right? And stop telling me that gender isn’t real. Stop it, stop it. Stop telling me that “gender is a social construct.” People who say that have not raised boys. Oh, girls and boys are the same? Oh, really? Really! You’ve seen a six-year-old girl piss out a campfire? And then be super pumped about it? Like, “Oh my God, do you smell that? Can you smell that? Smells bad.” Good to see that disgusting is genetic. Alright, thank you guys so much. Thank you so much. [cheers, applause] This is a real treat. I get to bring out my very best friend in the whole world. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ms. Rachel Feinstein! [cheers, applause] Thank you! Thank you, guys, you’re nice to me here. It’s been a weird week. My family was visiting, it’s a lot with my mom. I don’t know if anybody has a parent like this. My mother has no boundaries. Every time I’m alone with her, she tells me something I truly never wanted to know. She’ll be like, “Fine, there was a year when I considered leaving your father.” I’m like, “I don’t want to know that.” She’s like, “I called it my dark year.” I’m like, “You title years of your life? You teach low-impact aerobics. You don’t know darkness.” I’m the same way, but with strangers. Like, I’ll overshare with any stranger. I’ll be in line at a CVS, somebody smiles at me, and I’ll be like, “I guess I never felt seen by my father? I mean, I knew he loved me, but…” That was my worst fear when I had a kid, like, “What if I don’t connect to her?” Because you hear that happens. I’m like, “I’ll tell everyone!” I’ll be at a barbecue, and somebody will be like, “She’s so cute,” and I’ll be like, “Isn’t it crazy, but I don’t love her. Like, I feel nothing… but a vague sense of resentment!” Then, when I did love her, I started announcing it to everyone. I was like, “We love her!” My brother’s like, “You shouldn’t say that. Most people assume you love your own kids. It’s kind of alarming, actually.” I’m like, “That’s fair feedback.” She’s a toddler. She’s at that age. She’s two years old. She just empties every room. She just turns it out like she’s looking for coke, just… like she has 24 hours to leave the country before a drug dealer shoots her in the face. My husband’s a fireman. I mean, I think he’s a fireman. Thank you. He could just be a stripper with a fireman costume. But this is my life now. I just have to go to these Staten Island FDNY dinner dances and he’ll just deposit me at a shrimp station somewhere. I’m always the only Jew. All the women are named Gina. There’s just like a sea of Ginas. Just rows of hoisted tan racks and shimmering crucifixes. The men… the way they congratulated us, the other firemen, when we had a baby was terrifying. They’d be like, “Beautiful thing right there, huh? Tiny baby girl. You got to cherish her now, alright? While she’s young.” Why does this feel like an active threat, somehow? “You know what? At the end of the day it’s about family. Alright? Remember that. It’s about family.” I’m like, “Why do I feel like I’m about to get offed on The Sopranos whenever you guys greet us?” They always sound like they’re about to admit something they can’t hold in any longer. They’ll be like, “You know what? The days are long, the years are short, alright? You got to cherish her right now. Killed my first wife Diane.” I’m like, “I don’t think you meant to say that out loud, Dino.” “Diane went fast, too. You know? I watched the light go out in her eyes, alright? Everybody’s good! Everybody’s safe. Things are good!” But that’s my type. Your type is your type. You can’t change your type. I just like a thick-necked, ignorant-looking man. That’s what I like! I like a guy that looks like he’d say, “Follow the money” when he’s talking about the vaccine. The guys are generally named Vinny, there’s an occasional Dino. But one of the Vinnies came up to… One of the Vinnies came up to us, he goes, “You got to take her to Disney, though. That’s the real family experience. You got to take her to EPCOT.” Then he goes, “That’s the real Japan, at EPCOT, you know?” “That’s like, legit Japan.” With no irony whatsoever. He’s like, “People think you got to spend all this cash, and fly all the way to Japan, but it’s a fucking scam.” He referred to traveling the world as a scam somehow, and EPCOT as reality. That was real life in Vinny’s mind. But yeah, I asked my mom, “What was I like when I was my daughter’s age?” She can never think of anything good to say about me. She’ll always be like, “You know, you ate very fast.” I’m like, “That’s the detail you pull out?” She’s like, “Well, you ate at a rapid pace. You choked on a chicken bone once, I do remember that. You were a greedy eater. There was a certain rampant quality to your eating and we didn’t feel safe.” I’m like, “Thank you, this was real helpful, I’ll circle back with you.” And a lot of the other “firewives”… That’s not a term, they’ve actually asked me to stop saying that… “Badge banger,” I prefer that. I identify as a badge banger. Though, a lot of the other women… a lot of the people I know do this. They’ll post these long monologues about how fantastic their marriages are on Instagram. Do you know people that do this? I don’t understand the instinct to drag your husband out to a pumpkin patch somewhere. The guy’s bloated and hung over. He’s completely confused. He has no idea why he’s in matching flannels with his entire extended family. And they’ll be like, “Vinny, you challenge me every single day. Every day with you is like a beautiful, challenging journey. You have truly made me question everything I ever thought was possible in this non-stop learning voyage we’re all on together.” I’m like, “Vinny is on PornHub right now. What the fuck has he made you question?” The last time I saw him, he was so drunk, he was wet. Just dripping. Also, my husband never takes pictures of me, he always claims there’s not enough room on his phone. I’m like, “It’s not a storage issue.” He’s like, “There’s not enough room on my phone!” The one picture he took of me at our wedding, I was eating. I had a sandwich falling out of the corner of my mouth. It was the most slovenly, disgraceful moment. I’m like, “That’s the picture you take?” He’s like, “Well, it was like, the essence of you, you know? You’re a greedy eater.” Alright, you guys, thank you so much. [cheers, applause] Rachel Feinstein, let her hear it! These comedians are my best friends, including this one. He’s just one of my absolute favorite comics. And you know him as Mr. Chris DiStefano! [cheers, applause] Great job, Amy. Oh! Hello! Hello, hello, how you doing? You feel good? You look good? This is what it is, dude. It’s the parenting show. I feel like nobody in here even has kids, right? It’s L.A., who has…? Like eight people. You have kids, dude? Yeah. You look like you have long COVID. You’re just like sitting there breath… I could tell. I knew you had kids. I saw you in the back, I was like, “This guy looks like he’s dying!” And yeah. I got kids. I got two little girls. My daughters are Puerto Rican. You know what I mean? So, diverse? I’m a great white. You know? So, this great white man, I have these little Latina children and they don’t speak English, that’s the thing. My kids, especially my older one, she just doesn’t… They just speak Spanish. The mom is always just… I’m trying to watch Encanto to talk to my fucking kids. And I can’t… you know, which is great! I want them to learn different languages, but Papi only speaks English, you know? But I think the thing is, with having kids, like I don’t have a lot of time or energy to like, think about a lot of stuff. Like, I had to go to Portland. You know what I mean? Whatever, that city. I love this country. I bleed red, white, and blue, but fucking Portland? You know? I mean… Those people, it’s just, it’s too much. Like they’re very passive aggressive, very woke, and I was just in there, and they’re just looking at you, judging you. And I was in there two weeks ago. Two weeks ago! I had to go in there. I went to a coffee shop, and I didn’t know that you still had to wear a mask because I was like, it’s present-day America, and you know, the barista’s just like this, she’s going like this. She keeps doing this. I was like, “I don’t know what you’re doing.” Like, she’s just going like that. I was like, “I don’t know sign language. I’m sorry, I should be better, I’m a white piece of shit. I know, I’m sorry. I’m not anti-sign. What do you want me to do?” And she just wasn’t talking, she just kept going like this. I was like, “What are you trying to tell me, lady? Just use your words!” And then she was like, “You need to put on a mask!” I was like, “Oh, okay. You should have just said that!” So I was like, “Okay.” And I’m just politely putting on a mask, and I was like “I’m sorry, I’m from New York, and… we don’t have the masks there anymore.” And she was like, “Well, here in Portland, we still take COVID very seriously.” I was like, “You seem like a fun person. You really do. You just seem like a real ball of laughs.” And so I proceed to order my drink. I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Excuse me?” I was like, “Can you not hear me through the mask?” I was like, “Can I have a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “Do you mean a small iced coffee with no cream?” I was like, “Isn’t that the same as a small iced coffee, black?” She was like, “After what the African-American community’s been through these last two years, I think you need to do a better job ordering your coffees.” I was like, “I’d rather be beheaded by ISIS than have to talk to you for one more second.” So I ripped that mask off, I walked right out of that coffee shop, I walked two blocks down to another coffee shop, walked right in, and said, “Can I have a small iced coffee with no cream?” Because I am such a little pussy. But you know… I don’t know. It’s what it is. People are just… Everyone’s going a little nuts. Everyone’s just a little off. You know what I’m saying? They’re just a little off lately. Like I had to put my dog down. Listen, he lived a good life. Eighteen years. Eighteen years, my dog. Little Larry. Larry was his name. Eighteen years old, but he was one of those dogs. He was dying for like the past 16 years. Every time I’d go visit my mother… she had the dog… another piece of his body was being biopsied, an eye didn’t work, his head was turned over, he was always bleeding. He looks like he’s fighting in the Civil War. Somebody needs to put this dog down. It was clear this dog wanted to die. And I would just go visit my mom, and try, like, “Mom, we need to put the dog down.” She’d be like, “Jesus hasn’t called him yet.” I’m like, “No, he’s calling me to tell you… I’m telling you, the dog wants to die so bad.” I would come over with a fistful of baker’s chocolate. I’d just be like, “Who wants death by chocolate, Larry? Come on. Just eat it, it’s a great way to go out.” And so finally, one day I go visit my mom, and the dog’s dying. I mean, Larry’s pretty much dead on the floor. And I’m just like, “Let’s go take the dog to the vet and just put it out of its misery.” She’s like, “You’re right, let’s go.” And it was 12 o’clock, it was midnight, and I was fucking starving. So we’re driving to the vet, and I see a Wendy’s out of the corner of my eye. I was like, “Mom, real quick, let’s go. I’ll go to Wendy’s real quick. I’ll get whatever you want,” and she’s like, “No, let’s go to the vet!” I was like, “Fine, I’ll just starve then!” I was like a disgruntled fucking teenager. I’m 37. So, we get to the vet, and the vet is so nice. She’s like the nicest lady ever. She’s like, “We did our tests on little Larry, and we do see that he’s at the end of his life, and we’re just going to put a little prick in his little paw, and the medicine’s going to go through in 30 seconds. It’s going to be 30 seconds. His little heart’s going to stop, but he’s going to go to Heaven with all the other dogs, and Cruella, and everyone’s up there, and he’s going to be fine, he’s going to be out of pain, and this is the right thing.” And I’m like, “Okay, fine.” Because in my head, I’m like, “30 seconds. By the time we do the paperwork, everything will be good. You know, it’s 12:30, Wendy’s does close at 2:00.” And listen, it’s what it is. This is a 100% true story. So, the medicine’s going through, just like she said. Little prick in his paw, it’s going like a roller coaster, it’s going to hit his little body, stop his little heart, thirty seconds. And listen, we’re all upset. I’m upset, my mom’s upset, and I’m just comforting her. Comforting my mom, she’s crying. I’m like, “Mom, this is fine.” We get down to 15 seconds, I’m like, “We are halfway there, Mom. We are halfway there.” We get to five, I started counting out loud. I was like, “Five, four, three, two, one! It’s a celebration!” And Larry’s still alive. He’s just still alive. And I’m like, “Okay, that happens,” but as time is going on, seconds are going by, Larry looks like he’s getting more energy, like he’s getting color back that he never had, his fur used to be gray, now it’s getting that nice orange tint, he’s standing up on his legs once again. I was like, “Wow, Larry looks fucking good right now. What’s happening?” Five minutes go by, and finally I say to the vet, “Is there a problem?” She goes, “Absolutely.” I was like, “Oh, okay.” She goes outside, comes back a minute later. She goes, “I am so sorry.” She was like, “I hired a new vet tech, and the vet tech accidentally gave your dog electrolytes because the dog next door to you was dehydrated and we mixed up the medication.” She goes, “But don’t worry, I have the right medication right here. He’ll be dead in a second.” I swear to God, as soon as she put the right medicine in, he died immediately. It was like somebody had a sniper rifle at the top of the fucking room and just shot him in the head. Rolled over, Xs over his eyes, soul gone to heaven, I had a Baconator in my hand at 1:59. It was fucking fantastic. Alright, guys, thank you. [cheers, applause] You guys are the best. You really are such a great crowd. Everyone’s talking about you backstage. Everybody loves you. We want to make it official. We want to commit. Alright. This comedian is undeniably hilarious and I love him so much. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Lil Rel Howery! [cheers, applause] Yeah! What up? Netflix is a fucking joke. I got a whole jean… Look, let me tell you something, I’m showing my age now. I’m in my 40s, and this is what 40-year-olds do, they like, match a bunch of shit that don’t make no fucking sense. I got a whole jean suit on with a cowboy hat. This is a dad outfit for real. I’m the cool dad! You know who the fuck this is. Man, I got a 13, 12-year-old, and a five-year-old. I know, man. Like, fuck! You know what’s funny? Like when I was a younger parent, I tried to do all the things the right way. Now I don’t really give a fuck no more. You know what I’m saying? My five-year-old, we went to one of those jumpy things, he peed in that shit. I was like, “Oh shit, let’s just go.” You know what I mean? I ain’t… I ain’t changing, we just walking the fuck out of here. He was leaking the whole time. Nobody seen shit. “Come on, y’all!” Damn! Hate being a fucking new dad again. Carrying their fucking car seat. People downplay that. Nobody realizes how heavy it is to carry a human being with one fucking arm. That’s stupid! I don’t give a shit, as long as they strapped in, I’m going to carry that shit the best way I can. If you upside down, fuck it. I’m like, “Fuck it.” No, I can’t go to jail! He good, he’s strapped in! As long as he don’t fall out, we good! My daughter’s 13, she’s a fucking teenager now. She got the period. That’s right, it happened with me. I was hoping… I was like, “Damn, you got to be with me? Shit.” Because I’m a divorced dad, so like, it was my time, and I’m like, “Wait a minute, why the fuck…? I ain’t ready for this.” You know what I mean? I tried my best, but I didn’t know what to get. I ain’t going to lie to you. I went to the store and got everything. I didn’t know what the fuck to get. That lady was ringing me up like, “You got a shelter or something? What you got all these different sizes for? What the fuck you got going on, sir? What the fuck you got going on, sir?” I ain’t fucking know. I’m like, “Let me get the… the pad that absorb the most.” Man, we stupid, that’s what we think, right? We think, “Get the shit that absorb the most.” And when I put all this shit on the table, she like, “Uh, Dad, this is for Grandma, I don’t know what the fuck… you think I’ve got going on. I’m 13, sir.” “You don’t want the one that absorb the most?” Like my son was there with me, and he was confused, too. We was looking at this shit, and I took everything out of the box, he playing with the shit… “Put this shit down, stop playing, boy!” Ain’t no fucking lightsaber. But he was like, “Dad, you know something? I would want the grandma one.” And I thought about that. That’s how little boys fucking think, right? Little girls, like, y’all don’t want nobody to know you’re on your period. You want something to hide that shit. Little boys ain’t shit. If little boys had periods, they’d want everybody to know they had the fattest shit here. “Yeah, I’m on my period, what the fuck you talking about? Y’all need to take me home, I can’t go to school today, I’m on my period! I’m sleepy, I’m hungry, I’m tired, I can’t focus. I’m fucked up!” Learning too much about women because I’ve got a fucking 13-year-old. We go bra shopping and shit. I didn’t realize it was about y’all’s backs. Fellas, for a long time, you thought it was about the titty meat, nope! That number’s about how big their fucking backs is, so… if you see a Double D out here, it ain’t about the titties, she got a big-ass back. I’m just being honest. If you ain’t know. It was weird, too, I forget I was doing a stand-up show. You start thinking about real shit, like “Goddamn, I got to figure this Legoland situation out.” Fuck, you got a 13, 12, and 5-year-old, the 5-year-old can’t get on shit. And that means I can’t get on shit. They get to have fun, like the 13 and 12-year-old, they get to have a good-ass time. I’m watching this motherfucker. I’m sorry, that’s my kid, but… Doing some regular shit, some little bridge, some dumb car that’s slow as fuck. They do all the, “Dad, we got on the roller coaster!” “Shut the fuck up! Fuck y’all.” Yeah, that’s real. But my son, my 12-year-old, he’s like my best friend, the oldest, he’s… he’s a lot like me, and I love that shit. I love the fact that this brother is like me. Like, if he wasn’t my kid, we would be best fucking friends. If we was the same age, I fucks with him. That’s why I don’t even know how to help him sometimes. You know what I mean? He going through, like… 12-year-old boys, look, it depends, but boys do go through a little weird stinking period, right? Where they just don’t wash their ass well enough. And his mama called me like, “Yo, you got to talk to him, He doesn’t care. He’s putting on the same clothes.” And it’s hard to talk to your best friend about him stinking. Like, “Damn, brother, we got to talk.” You try to play the game with them a little bit and shit? Making little jokes, “This is fun, right?” [deep sigh] Look, your mama say you have musty balls. Would you just wash that shit so we ain’t got to talk about this shit again, please? I bought you some new socks. Stop wearing the same stinking-ass socks. Alright, well, that’s it. I’m done! Thank y’all so much. I’m Lil Rel, that’s my time. [cheers, applause] Lil Rel, let him hear it! You’re such a great crowd, I want to say goodnight by thanking our families who made us who we are, and provided us with all of this material. Please give it up one more time for Chris DiStefano. [cheers, applause] That’s you. Oh, look at what a nice guy you were. [Chris] Yeah. What happened? Oh, okay. Well anyway, Ron Funches!     [cheers, applause] Christina P! Give it up! Jaye McBride! Oh, Jaye, you’re cute! Rachel Feinstein! [cheers, applause] And one more time for Lil Rel Howery. [cheers, applause] [Amy] Aw! We’re cute! One more time for everybody. Thank you, goodnight! Isn’t it funny that we all have known each other for like years and years? We really don’t know anything. We don’t know anything about each other. We talk about where we grew up on stage, we just don’t pay attention. Right, like I learned so much like, talking to other comics about, “You went to film school?” Like, I know nothing. My son wrote a sketch. And it was really funny, and he like kind of dissed me at the same time. Like, “Dad, I want you to be in the sketch, I want you to do the voice you do in movies when you get really high-pitched and don’t sound how you sound in real life.” Like, “Damn, what that mean?” Wow. Yeah. It’s so easy!"
1686242950-411,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jim Jefferies: High n’ Dry (2023) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-high-n-dry-transcript/,"Please welcome to the stage, Jim Jefferies! Hello, Toronto. Alright. Alright, look at this. We’re all out. No more fucking masks! I hated the masks. I’ll tell you who’s gonna miss the masks: chicks with good bodies but shit faces. Haven’t they been getting away with murder the entire pandemic? In Australia, we call them prawns ’cause you keep the body and throw the head away. I just got back from touring Australia, the whole place was flooded. Right? Remember three years ago, the whole place was on fucking fire? Remember that? Just before Covid, all of Australia was on fire and we’re all like, “The world can’t get any worse than this.” People died. People lost their homes. The only thing reported in North America about the fires in Australia was… Koalas. The koalas, yes. You all seemed very concerned about the koalas. If you saw me, you’d say something. “I’m so sorry to hear about your koalas.” And I’m like… Pretty fucking cut up about the whole thing. How did they get all the press? Imagine you’re a fucking wombat and your family’s just burnt to death. Now I like koalas as much as the next man… but if any animal deserves to die, it’s the koala. The koala is the laziest animal on Earth. It sleeps for 22 hours a day. The sloth sleeps for 21. It only eats eucalyptus leaves. Eucalyptus leaves are its source of food and water. There is a chemical in eucalyptus that reacts the same way to them that THC reacts to us. So they’re stoned all fucking day. Eighty percent of koalas have chlamydia. So they’re stoned with chlamydia. We all have a friend like this. And they’re up in the tree with their family, just sitting there. And the fire’s blazing through the Australian bush. And all the other animals are running and jumping in the opposite direction of the flames. Not the koala. “It’s gettin’ a bit hot.” “It’s probably just your chlamydia, love, go back to sleep.” And then when we have these natural disasters how do we rectify it as a society? We get a young Swedish girl with a twitchy eye to tell us off. Fucking Greta gets up there and she’s like, “I should be in school.” Now, I know, as soon as I mention Greta Thunberg that’s a triggering thing for a lot of women. A lot of women get upset when a man my age mentions Greta Thunberg. In your brain, a little loop’s going on going, “How dare you pick on a 16-year-old girl? Who do you think you are?” You know what? You’re right. That’s wrong. But she’s 19 now and I fucking waited. I waited three long years to talk about this shit. I can say whatever the fuck I want about a 19-year-old. Here’s one for you: I can fuck Greta Thunberg and I’ve done nothing wrong. And I wouldn’t use a condom either. Out of respect for her and the environment. Now, I don’t have a problem with Greta fundamentally. I agree with everything she’s saying. I agree with the science. I just don’t wanna fucking hear it. She’s always picking on my generation. She’s like, “Your generation ruined it for my generation.” Not “my generation”, Greta. You’re thinking of the c*nts before me. The generation before me did fucking nothing. My generation invented the different colored bins. That’s all I can do, Greta. I’m fucking flat out with the different fucking colored bins. The generation before me had one bin and they threw everything into it. They didn’t give a fuck. And it was a small, steel fucking Oscar the Grouch lookin’ fucking bin. And it had a lid that fully detached. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid. They hadn’t thought to put a hinge on the bin. So the lid and the bin could be one unit. Maybe they talked about it in the bin factory. Someone threw out the idea of the hinge, “I reckon we should put on a hinge.” And then one bloke puts up his hand, “Yes, Neville?” And then Neville goes, “But what if the kid wants to use the lid as a shield?” Oh! “You fucking got me there, Neville. Why would I wanna fuck around with childhood magic? No hinge it is!” And then on garbage day… the bin company conveniently put two handles, two steel handles, on the side of the bin. So you have a couple of options on garbage day. You can get the bin by one handle, and drag it along your driveway with fucking sparks flying out of the c*nt and take it out to the curb. Or… you can pick that bin up with the two handles and put the wet garbage up against your body, and you could waddle out to the sidewalk like this. ‘Cause that generation was so fucking stupid… they didn’t think to put man’s first invention on the bottom of the fucking bin. They didn’t see… a heavy object that had to be moved on the regular and thought, “Fuck me, the wheel would nail this one.” They missed plenty of these opportunities. We didn’t have wheels on suitcases in any meaningful way until like the mid-90s. No one had wheels on suitcases. I remember my father being at the airport carrying two bags, another one under his armpit, like, “There’s no better way to do this.” We went to the airport in a fucking car. He saw wheels in motion. He was holding the wheel the entire time, couldn’t fucking piece it together. 1971. 1971 was the first time the patent office got a patent for a suitcase with wheels on it. 1971 was the first time anyone on this planet thought… to put wheels on a suitcase. To put that in context, we went to the moon in the 60s. This means that Neil Armstrong left his house… and he said to his wife, “Next time you see me, I’ll be on the moon.” And he got out to the launchpad, looked at the rocket majestically. “One day, one day they’ll put rockets on bags.” So, let’s tell some stories. This first story involves my fried DJ Qualls. Right. You might know him as the skinny guy from Road Trip or Hustle & Flow, or more importantly, Billy from Legit. Right? So… So DJ… DJ’s gay. Right? I can tell this story. He knows. He’s well-aware. Also… If there are any gay people in the room this evening, welcome. I… Big fan of the gay community. I’ve always been pro-gay. I studied musical theater at university. I grew up in Sydney, one of the gayest cities on Earth. Me and the gays, we’re down. In fact, I’d say I’m an advocate. They have not said that. I like the gays. I like the LGBTQ community. I like em’ all! I like the L, the B, the G, the T, the Q. In equal measures. I don’t even have a favorite! I like em’ all equally. I support them all equally. As individual groups. I do not support them as a collective group. Because they have fucking nothing in common. You have one bloke who’s like, “I like sucking dicks!” Another guy goes, “I wanna cut my dick off! We should be a group!” Which brings us to the trans… people. Uh, look. Hot topic in comedy. A lot of people are talking about it. I’ve worked with trans people for 20 years in this business. I have no issue with trans people. I think it must be a very hard life. You know, if there was a surgery that I could have for me to stop hating myself, I’d fucking take it. So I get it. It’s not an easy choice. Right? And then… I’ve got no problems with trans people, I see all the comedians, there’s Chapelle and Gervais and they told those jokes, and, um… Everyone got upset and there was all this press. And I have no problem with trans people. But I do like press. So here we go! As I said, I like trans people. Do you know why I like trans people? I like anyone who’s got a good story. If we’re at a party and you tell me you cut your dick off, you’ve caught my attention. I’ll sit and chat to you for a while. I feel like you might have some tales to tell. Can I empathize completely with a trans person? I try to, but I can’t, really. Because I’ll never know what it’s like to hate the body I’m living in so… Oh, hang on, I do. I… I’ve never understood this argument. “I hated the body I live in.” That’s like 98% of us. Ninety-eight percent of us get out of the shower and see ourselves in the mirror and go, “Aww…” But I’ve never wanted to cut my dick off and that’s a fundamental difference. I do consider myself a bloke with a six pack and I’d like you to see me that way as well. I like trans people. I often think they shouldn’t stop transitioning. Keep going! Transition more. You ever see a trans person and think to yourself, “They could do with more.” Let me explain. So when a man becomes a woman and I will call you a woman or them, they, her, whatever you wanna be called. I got all day. I’ll call you whatever you want, I regard you as a woman, you’ve made the decision to change, I regard you as a woman. So the surgery, first thing they do is take the hormones, it lowers the bone density, it raises the voice a bit. Then they go get the surgery. So the first thing they do is, they cut the dick off and they put that on a plate. I don’t… for the life of me, I don’t know why people laugh when I say, “You put that on a plate.” What did you want me to do in this scenario? They cut the dick off and they chuck it! Of course there’s a fucking plate! So they cut the dick off, now they have to make a hole. So they get a spoon… at this stage, I should mention that I’m not a doctor. I have no formal medical training to speak of. So I just know this happens. So… They shovel a hole. But that’s just a hole. That’s not realistic. You need flaps. And that’s where the dick meat comes into play. So they… They julienne some dick strips… and they get some 3M double-sided tape. And they put two on this side and one on that side. I don’t know a lot about c*nts, but they’re not symmetrical. So… So then they’ve made it, right? That’s all really… That’s good now, it’s good. So they grow their hair long, make sure they’re clean shaven, right? Then they get the fake tits. Now, here is my problem where they don’t transition enough. They always get perfect tits. Believe me. They always get perfect tits. And that’s not the real female experience. They wanna be a real woman, they gotta get one titty slightly bigger than the other. And a nipple covering one for no reason. You do that, you can play any sport you want, I reckon. Then the next one, so a woman becoming a man. How would they… They would have to… You’d fill that in, wouldn’t you? You’d fill it in? Cement? So they cement that in. Then they have to build a new fresh dick with that new dick smell. Maybe that’s what all the excess dick bits… They build a new dick. A beautiful dick. You’d ask for a good one, wouldn’t ya? You wouldn’t go small. You’d go, “Give me a nice dick.” Then they take the hormones, they always grow a beard. I’d grow a beard too. I understand that completely. They cut off the tits. But they always keep the full head of hair. That is not the real male experience. Whoa! If they wanna be a real man, just one of them. Just one. Shave the horse-shoe shape in, and grow a bit out the side and fuck it, whip it across. ‘Cause they will never know the full pain of male pattern baldness. It’s fucking killer. If you watch my early specials I think I’ve done nine, maybe… You watch them, I get hairier and hairier as I go along. ‘Cause I had a transplant I’ve had fucking… I take a tablet every day for the last 15 years to keep my hair looking this shitty. Hey, every single fucking day I have to take this tablet, if I stop, my hair falls out. Gotta keep taking it. But I have to only take it every four days now. If I take it everyday, my dick doesn’t work. So I have a couple of options in life. Either I have hair and I can’t fuck anyone, or I’m bald and no one wants to fuck me. And people, you mock the bald. You tease them, it’s like the last physical… We can’t knock the fat anymore, or this or that. But it’s the last physical thing people tease about. “Hey baldy.” They don’t give a fuck. My friend, someone polished his head at a party with a tea towel. Right? Fucking terrible shit. It really hurts. Losing your hair as a man is devastating. Devastating. So you can’t joke about it anymore. And you’re thinking I’m a comedian, I should have thicker skin. But no. It’s over. You cannot knock or tease male pattern baldness anymore. And these are your rules, not fucking mine. And I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you why. Because one woman once had her baldness mentioned in jest… and you all lost your fucking shit, didn’t ya? Fuck Jada Pinkett Smith and her bald ass fucking head! I have zero sympathy! I hope it never grows back! She has it easy! A woman losing their hair is easier than a man losing their hair. And I know you don’t think it is, but it fucking is. First of all, sympathy out the fucking wazoo. They get called brave. Sir, did anyone ever call you brave? Not fucking one! Not one! She could’ve worn a wig. She could’ve worn a wig. No one would’ve cared. Men aren’t allowed to cover their baldness up in any fucking way, and if they do, they’re considered a loser by society. If a man has a comb over, as soon as he leaves the room, you’re all making little comments. “You see the fucking c*nt with the comb over?” How dare he. How dare he try to look like he has hair like everyone else. Not allowed to wear a wig. If a man wears a wig and is found out, that’s fucking… There’s no country you can move to. If a man wears a wig, and he’s not found out, his entire life is lived in fear. All day’s he’s like this. “Oh, for fuck’s sake! The weatherman said it wouldn’t be windy!” Yet women are allowed to wear wigs. Women are allowed to wear wigs over full heads of hair, and they’re just having a bit of fun. Wigs for everyone, or wigs for no one! While I’m at it, fake ponytails, hair extensions. If you can’t grow it, you can’t fucking have it! Do you know how disgusting it is that a part of our society with hair who are allowed to wear wigs when the bald is not? That is the equivalent of a woman who can walk getting in a wheelchair… and wheeling herself up to a legless man trying to crawl his way home from the pub… and she just keeps up with him and laughs. So my point is… DJ’s gay, right? So… Now, this is the story of how DJ Qualls came out of the closet. His friends and I knew he was gay, but it wasn’t public. Me and DJ went to see Elton John in concert at his Farewell Tour, right? So we’re sittin’ there… Yeah. I’ll take any cheer I can get. Anyway, so… We went to the concert, we’re sitting there, and Elton’s at the piano and the band leaves the stage and now it’s just Elton, the piano, and a spotlight. Nothing else. And Elton says, “This will be the final song I perform this evening.” Now of course, it wasn’t. He was doing that c*nty thing that musicians do. Like fucking how long as a society are we gonna play their fucking game? Every single concert we go to, “No. Don’t go.” You know they’re coming back. And we always act surprised. “We did it!” I was next to a young fella. Maybe his first concert. He was maybe 15-years-old. Elton said, “This’ll be the final song.” And the kid lost his mind. “No, Elton! No!” And I was like, “Calm the fuck down, mate. He hasn’t sung ‘Rocket Man’ yet.” So we’re there, it’s a three-hour mark and Elton, right? He says, he gives a ten minute speech. A beautiful speech, Farewell Tour. He says, “Thank you so much for following my 50 year career. Thank you so much for buying the albums and hearing the music. Without you listening to the songs, me writing them is inconsequential. And I love you. You’re the greatest fans I could have.” A beautiful speech, right? Very long, but it was a beautiful speech. And I turned to DJ and I went, “I should do that.” And he said, “Do what?” “I should thank the people who come to see me. I never do that. I tell my jokes and I piss off. I don’t do that.” And he goes, “Yeah, but with your fanbase someone would just yell out, ‘Fag!’ Like that.” And as he said that, Elton John had stopped talking. And the word “fag” just sang out. Everyone in the room’s freaking the fuck out. They’re all turning around. Of course they think it’s me. I’m elbowing DJ, “Probably a good time to come out. I’d come out right fucking now.” Elton John looks up from his piano. Stares at us, the room goes silent. Now let’s break down what just happened there. Elton John’s at the three-hour mark of his Farewell Tour and he gave a lovely speech, and someone yelled out “fag.” Who must’ve Elton thought that person was? Did he think it was someone who really hated him and had come to show after show, and was like, “If I don’t say it now, I’ll never say it!” Or did he think it was someone who had just figured it out? Maybe… Maybe someone who’d bought the albums, listened to the music, never seen the outfits. And he’s sitting with his wife like this. “He wears an awful lot of sequins, doesn’t he? “You know what I think? I think he might be a… fag!” So the next day… I’m performing in San Diego, and DJ came along with me to my show. And so he’s, he’s sitting in the wings and I tell the Elton John story that night. I’m on the stage, and I don’t mention DJ’s name because I don’t want them to know it’s him. And then he walked on stage out of nowhere. He came on, and I looked at him, “What the fuck’s he doing?” And he… And he took the microphone from me, and he went, “It was me! I’m gay!” And the whole place erupted. And he just waved goodnight. And then he tweeted about it right away. Tweeted it so he couldn’t take it back. That’s how he came out.     Then we went out that night and everyone was so excited for him. People from the show came up, gave him drinks and hugs, took photos. Everyone… It was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. Coming out looks like a lot of fun. Like… Like, I was gettin’ jealous. ‘Cause you know, as a hetero, we’ve got nothin’. You know… Like… I have no bit of information that will really ruin an elderly relative’s Christmas. So I thought about it, what have I got that’s close to coming out? I thought about it and I’ve come up with this. It’s hard to say publicly, but I have to… live my truth. My favorite TV show is The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I love that shit! I don’t work on Monday nights ’cause I like to follow the live tweets. I’m part of Bachelor Nation! I fuckin’ love that shit. A lot of you might think I’m an idiot for enjoying that. Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m not stupid. I don’t like reality shows. I don’t watch Selling Sunset, or Below Deck, or any of that fuckin’ shit. I like game shows. And The Bachelor is a game show, where the prize is a person. It’s a lot of people who just want to get famous. And we force two of them to get married. It’s fuckin’ belter. If you’ve never seen it, I’ll walk you through The Bachelorette. It’s a 28-year-old girl. She lives in a house you never really see. She’s in this house over here. And there’s a mansion that literally has 30 guys in it that are all fighting for her attention, right? She comes over and visits occasionally. Oh! There’s a petition, going around the internet, for a gay bachelor. No! The Bachelor is a heterosexual show for heterosexual people, and it will remain that way, thank you very much. I’m not being homophobic. It just wouldn’t logistically work. Say you got a gay bachelor, his name’s Darren. Darren lives in a house over here. Then there’s a mansion over here… with 30 guys. You’re getting ahead of me, Toronto, don’t do that. And the producers come over to meet Darren. They go, “We’ve got a great group of guys. They’re very excited to meet you.” “I’m excited to meet them.” And then Darren walks over there. With all of his hopes and wishes and dreams inside this house. And he gets to the doorknob, and takes a breath… and then he opens the door and they’re all fuckin’ each other. And the producers, they know this isn’t good for the show. So they roll up a newspaper and start wackin’ ’em. “Get out of it! Stop fuckin’ each other!” They get a spray bottle. They get on of ’em and rub their nose in their cum. “Bad gay! Bad gay!” So no gay Bachelor. Let’s do The Bachelorette. The bachelorette will be a 28-year-old girl, she’s known she’ll be the bachelorette for, like, four months. She does what most women do before marriage. She’s working out every day. She’s eating well. If she does eat something naughty, she vomits it back up. This is a comedy show, so if there are any bulimic women in the room, don’t think it goes unnoticed. Us boys appreciate that you’re keeping it tight. You’re doing what the fat girls aren’t willing to do. So… She’s at the front of this mansion, She’s all bulimic, ripped and bulimic, sexy… She’s had her hair and makeup done professionally She’s in a $10,000 dress that the show has given her. This woman is in her prime. She will never look better than she does at this exact moment. What a good time to fall in love, eh? I can’t see any disappointment in the future. So she stands at the front of the house, then 30 limos, one by one, will drive up, and 30 different men will come out of their car. They’ll walk up, they’ll introduce themselves, then they’ll say some line they pre-rehearsed they think will sweep her off her feet. This line will be some innocuous bit of rubbish that fuckin’ means nothing. Now… They show up in the car, good lookin’ guys, wearing a beautiful, tailored suit. Right? But because they’re in their 20’s, the leg’s up to here. It’s very important to that generation that we see their ankles. You look like c*nts. Anyways… So the limousines show up, and out steps this guy, right? He’ll be handsome, wrinkly forehead handsome. And he’ll walk up to her, he’ll be… “Hi, my name’s Kevin. I believe… that a woman’s heart should be protected.” What the fuck does this mean? But she will think this is amazing. She’ll just be like, “I also believe that a woman’s heart needs protecting.” “Well maybe we should talk about that inside.” And then he walks off, and she loses her shit. She goes to the presenter, “Oh, my God, it’s Kevin. Kevin’s the one.” She doesn’t know fuckin’ jack shit about Kevin. Kevin arrived in a car he doesn’t own, in a suit he’s been given walking into a mansion he’s never fucking been in. Kevin could be unemployed, living with his mom in Regina. He doesn’t know fuckin’ Kevin. Now on the show you need to get a rose, alright? And if you’re one of the guys… I don’t watch the Canadian version. I live in America, they give roses. I assume with you guys it’s, “I really like you, here’s a beaver pelt.” In the USA they give a rose, right? If you’re one of these guys going, “I won’t get a rose this week, she doesn’t like me,” What you do, you tell her a sob story, alright? Cause she can’t fuck you off that week. Can’t get rid of you that week. She’s a bitch if she kicks you off that week. So a sob story will buy you about a week. Now… it’s amazing how they just weave them into conversations out of nowhere. And ’cause they’re in their 20’s, some of these sob stories are as weak as balls. And it always happens… They’ll be playing touch football, the girl comes by, they say, “Hey, Katie, how are you?” And one guy will stand back… and he’ll wait ’til he makes eye contact. She’ll come up, and she’ll be like, “What’s wrong?” “Oh, no. No, no. It’s… It’s nothing, it’s nothing. It’s just that… we’re having such a good time today, I just wish that… my grandmother was here to see it.” And you’re like, “You’re 28, mate, you’re grandmother’s meant to be dead, c*nt.” There was a guy last season, he was raising a four-year-old boy, right? ‘Cause his wife had died two years earlier. That’s roses all day! I… I… I got married in Covid. I… I would’ve waited a little longer but, I said to my wife, “I’m worried that Covid’s going to end, we must get married now.” She said, “Why?” ‘Cause my wife’s British, I’m Australian. We live in Los Angeles, right? I said, “Covid will end, we have to get married.” She’s like, “Why?” I go, “‘Cause if we wait ’til after Covid, I have to fly c*nts in from all over the world. See people I don’t want to fuckin’ know.” So we went to Vegas, just did it, and rang everyone up, “It wasn’t the same without you. Damn you, Covid!” It was the fuckin’ best, man. I love my wife, I’m lovin’ being married. I’m loving it. I know. I believe… I believe in the term, “Happy wife, happy life.” These are words to live by. There’s never been a truer sentence in the English language than “Happy wife, happy life.” If your wife is happy, you’ll be happy, the kids will be happy, everyone will be happy. It does surprise me, however, that there’s no saying that goes the other way. If my wife had a saying, it would be, “Happy husband, we’ll see about that.” Or, “Happy husband, what’s he been up to?” So… We get married in Vegas, and then my wife gets pregnant on the wedding night. Probably mine. So she gets pregnant, it wasn’t expected. We have a little boy now. Um… Thanks. I’m not fuckin’ having another one. I’m not doing it. I’m actually having a vasectomy on Monday. I had to time it after this. I’m having one on Monday. My wife doesn’t want me to get one. But I said, “My body, my choice.” Do it! I see why you guys like throwing that out. That seems like a fun sentence, “My body, my choice.” I told my dad a couple weeks ago, I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He’s 81 years old. I said, “Dad, I’m getting a vasectomy.” He said, “Don’t do it.” I said, “Why not?” He goes, “Because most women, not all women, but most women they like to see the cum.” And I said, “Dad, when you have a vasectomy, you still ejaculate, it just doesn’t work anymore.” And he went, “Oh, get one, then.” That’s the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone change their opinion on fucking anything. He’s 81 years old, and all that time he thought blokes with vasectomies were shooting dust out of their dicks. So the wife gets pregnant, right? Now, we had a baby shower. We had a little boy, we had a baby shower. Before I tell this, I have to mention, my wife is British, very posh accent, sounds like Mary Poppins, my wife, right? She’s British, but visually… she’s, um… she’s Indian. I feel like I said that weird, didn’t I? Said that a bit weird. How do I fix that? British talky talky, Indian looky looky. Alright, nailed it. Anyway… So my wife’s Indian, she’s walking around the baby shower holding her stomach, going, “I hope he’s brown. I want a brown baby. Not a stupid White baby.” Now, I wasn’t offended. But imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. Imagine if I was walking around the baby shower with my friends… and I pointed at my wife’s stomach, and went, “I hope he’s White. I want a White baby, not a stupid brown baby.” Anyway, so the baby’s born. This thing’s white as fuck, man. It’s so fuckin’ white. This is whiter than the kid I had with the blonde Canadian woman. I don’t know what happened. I was at the c*nt-end of the birth, and I saw the baby crowning, I was like, “She’s not gonna be happy about this!” My mother-in-law… So at this stage they take baby out, my mother-in-law has it. My wife’s being stitched up. She’s being stitched up. Could have done more. Anyway, so… She’s being stitched up, the reason I’m telling you this, she’s in no mood to make a joke, she’s not joking when she says this next thing, she’s not joking. This baby that came out of the woman looks just like me. It has thin hair and one eyebrow. My mother-in-law’s there, she holds the baby next to my head, and she goes, “Oh, my God. He looks exactly the same as Jim.” And my wife said, “So you don’t think he’ll be good looking?” You can’t argue with a woman when her c*nt’s being stitched up. You just can’t! So I just stand there and take it like this. “Maybe he’ll grow up to be one of those people who pays for everything.” So my wife… I’d never seen her hornier than the last trimester of her pregnancy. Don’t know if it happens to others, something to do with hormones. She wanted to fuck non-stop in the last trimester. So we go to the obstetrician. And the obstetrician says to us, my wife’s asking the doctor, and the doctor’s talking about medicine things. She’s like, “And the baby will turn around, expect this to happen, your ankles will do this,” she’s telling her all these things, and my wife’s so single-minded, she’s like, “But can we still have sex? Are we still allowed to have sex?” And the doctor’s like, “Of course! We encourage it. It’s healthy to have sex during the pregnancy.” And I went, “Uh… I don’t know. Feels like it might hurt the baby.” That wasn’t the real reason I didn’t want to have sex. The real reason was… I thought she looked weird. Now, I know that’s not a nice thing to say, but I can’t… The dick wants what the dick wants. The dick didn’t want. I told him he should want, but he’s in charge, man. He didn’t want. I love my wife. I’m very attracted to my wife. But when she was really pregnant, she was like… She’s five foot two, she’s under a hundred pounds. She gained no weight. All she gained was a big fuckin’ pot belly. She looked like fuckin’ ET, man. So, I had this fuckin’ horny ET, just following me around the house, like, “Are we going to fuck today? Are we going to fuck today?” I’m like, “Oh, my God, no!” It’s… Over the course of my career, I’ve told a lot of jokes, a lot of sex jokes. Lot of sex jokes. Normally they’re about cocaine, one-night stands, threesomes, prostitutes, things like that. I’m sorry, you’ll not hear that this evening. Because, I’m a happily married father of two, I’m 45 years old, and it’s just not my life anymore. But I still want to do some sex jokes for you. But these sex jokes are for all the people in the room who are just like me. And they have to fuck the same person every day. When you fuck the same person every day, you get good at it. You get good or you get efficient. You know each other’s buttons, and how to get them out of the room quickly. Now I should mention something about myself. Um… I haven’t had a drink in 18 months. Right, I don’t… I don’t drink anymore. I think if you’ve watched my career, you’ve seen that I’ve had struggles. I did some of my specials completely drunk, there were some specials where I blacked out afterwards, and I don’t remember the special. I just… I had a problem. I had years that I was good, I had a handle on it, then I didn’t, then it got away from me. It’s been a struggle for many years. So I want to talk to you about something important. I know a lot of you won’t like me talking about it. I had… something… come into my life which I’ve always rejected. And this change has given me… Weed! How fucking good is weed? I had no idea! It was a drug I never did. I was doing cocaine, and all… pills and all that shit. I never used weed. I thought, “I might get…” It’s the fucking best! I never want to drink again, man! I don’t want to drink. I much prefer being high. I don’t drink anymore. I’m high and dry, baby! High and dry! I fucking… I get stoned, I take an edible, every fucking day. I’m a fucking koala, man! So every day… I drop my kid at school, and I take an edible. And I play Call of Duty for about five hours. Alright, play Call of Duty, and my wife will come in, I’ll be there, stoned, playing Call of Duty, and she’ll come in, sit next to me, and she’ll go, “Do you wanna fuck?” And I’ll be like, “Uh… Team Deathmatch.” And then she’ll look up at me. I can’t say no to her. So I’m like this… Now get out of here, you! And she’s happy with that. That helps her move on with her day. My wife hasn’t watched me do standup for over a year because we have a kid and she’s… Look, life is busy. She hasn’t come to my shows in a year. And I said to her before this special, I said, “Uh… There’s a couple of jokes about you.” And she was like, “Don’t tell me, don’t tell me.” She says, “I want to watch them on Netflix with you.” So… right now… if you’re watching this on Netflix, know that I’m next to my wife like this. When you’re in a long-term relationship, you settle in to four positions. You start out with more, but as the relationship gets on, you settle down to your core four. The four positions you always use. You both know your core four, but you’ve never talked to each other about the core four. Right now you’re thinking about your core four. And in the car ride home, you’ll talk about your core four. We’re all doing two of the same. Her on top, him on top. These are classics! They’re not going anywhere! Then the other two are variables for your relationship. And they are… the one that helps her cum, and the one that helps him cum. Your finishing positions. I won’t tell you my wife’s finishing position, because I respect her privacy. But I will tell you mine. I used to finish in doggie when I was a younger man, but as I’ve gotten older, I now finish in what’s called “lazy doggie.” Lazy doggie is where you lay in the spoon position, grab one tit, and you rut around. It’s a fucking solid position. It’s a good position! ‘Cause you feel like you’re being active, but you still get a pillow. My wife loves me so much, that if she finishes in her position, she’ll just get off the cock, and she’ll lay in lazy doggie, and she’ll look at me and go, “Go on, then.” And I’ll be like, “Thanks, love. I shan’t be long” Every now and again, you venture out of the core four. You’ll throw in an old position you used to do. There’s one position all couples do four or five times a year. And every time, you go, “This is dumb.” That’s reverse cowgirl. Now in case you don’t know, that’s when the girl’s on top, turned around. So the ass is facing you and she just… But she bends over, so it’s not good, because the dick goes this way, and the c*nt goes that way. And they’re fighting against each other. Unless you have a big dick, and I don’t, right? It’ll come out every sixth thrust or so, and you have to thumb it back in. Hello, mate. Good to see you. Back you go. Didn’t think I’d see you again so soon. Back in. There’s another thing you only do early in a relationship, and then you fuck it off. Sixty-nine. Sixty-nine is a new relationship activity. And then you fucking never do it again. Three months it gets, 69. You do it in the beginning to act like you’re free with your body. But then it’s stupid. Too much geometry involved. I’m six foot tall, so I need a woman who’s five-five for the perfect 69. Any taller, I’m finger-banging behind my head, and licking her navel. Any shorter, my neck’s up like this, and I feel like I’m in the front row at the movies. That’s why you gotta give it up for the gays. Must be wonderful. You just see each other. Same height? 69. ‘Cause those people stick together like LEGO. Another problem with 69 is, no one’s doing their best work. I can’t lick your c*nt to the best of my ability if you’re sucking my dick to the best of yours, and vice versa. I can’t tell you… how many times I’ve been in 69, and I’ve thought to myself… “I haven’t done anything for minutes. Should probably get back to it.” And then because I’m doing such a good job, she’s lost all focus! She has a cock in her mouth with zero fucking passion! You have to knee her in the head, “Fucking get back to it!” You ever do the 69, where the woman’s laying on her back, and the man gets on top? This is so horrendous looking, that you can’t search for it in Pornhub. No one in the world has ever searched… I’ve tried! They’ve never searched for this! No one wants to see it! You always get into that position by accident. It’s never your intention. Me and the wife got into it by accident, right? So I’d… gone down her, right? Y’know… my turn. We don’t keep a tally, but… I’m two up. Anyway, so… I go down on her, she finishes, right? I fucking go, I’m off to the bathroom. Her heads at the end of the bed, she was lying that way, and as I’m walking by, she grabs my cock and she goes to put it in her mouth and I’m like, “Hello!” I should mention at this stage, my in-laws will be watching this. I… I don’t know what to tell ya. Anyway, so… So, she starts sucking my cock and I’m like “Good on you! Well done, you!” And we go through the whole show, the whole song and dance. We all do it. She puts it in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out, and I slap it on her tongue, and… and she acts like that’s something she enjoys. She’s like this, “Ah!” And I’m like… “You’re having a good time.” So… she’s sucking on my dick, and her head’s at the end of the bed and I don’t know why I did this, but I thought “What I’ll do is whip my leg around here… like that!” And as soon as I did it, I knew I’d made an error. The ballsack was covering her nose, and and… and the breathing became very labored. And not just her nose, they’d come over her eyes, giving her fly’s eyes. And I was like, “This can’t be good. I have to relieve a bit of the pressure.” So, I put one knee up onto the mattress. But all that did was shift the balls off the eyes, onto the bridge of the nose so… she still can’t breathe but now she has a very clear view of my gaping, hemorrhoidal asshole. And I’m like… “That can’t be fun.” So, I put the other knee up. Then I’m up. And then I fell forward, and started licking from above, and acted like that was what I meant to do! Now, boys… if you ever find yourself in a situation where a woman asks for a 69 where she’s on the bottom and you’re on the top, make sure you get yourself some rock-solid consent. Get a video of her saying what she expects, what she wants. Make her hold the newspaper for that day. Maybe a contract, get a notary. There’s not enough. Because, girls, once we get started in this position, there’s no turning back. Unless your safe word is… you’re butt-fuck outta luck! If you do it on a soft, inner-spring mattress, she stands a chance! You do it on memory foam, you’ll fucking kill a bitch! That’s what it’s like to be married. Now… I wanna finish on this routine. I have… traveled the world with this job, this job has been such a blessing in my life. I just, I have been… I have been everywhere. Anywhere where they speak English, I’ve gotten up somewhere and told a few dick jokes. It’s fantastic. I’ll tell you what, I’ve seen all different cultures, different societies and I know who the biggest c*nts on Earth are. The biggest c*nts on Earth are the Swedes. Swedish people are the worst people on Earth. If there’s any Swedish people in the room know that you’re not welcome here. Do you know Sweden was the last place in the free world to give up on Eugenics? Right up until 1974, they were sterilizing people against their will if they were disabled or had a degenerative disease. So if you had cerebral palsy, muscular distrophy, you’re a dwarf, they sterilized you. That’s 1974. That’s recent history. But if you go there, you can’t argue with the results. Fuck me, they’re good looking! Like they’re so fucking good looking, man. They’re so good looking, it’s like they’re killing the ugly people. Now, I’m not saying they’re walking around killing people, that’s ridiculous. I’m saying they’re doing it from birth. So, there’ll be, like, a woman giving birth, there’ll be, like, a doctor, and then there’ll be, like, an official guy in the corner. And the doctor pulls the baby out and goes… “No.” Right? Then they throw the baby in the corner with all the other ugly, dead babies. He didn’t have a plate this time. Right? And the woman, they’re such a rational breed of people, I don’t think the woman would even be upset. I think she’d just be like this, “Was it ugly, was it? Thank you for catching it so early.”     Urban legend has it… that one of the ugly dead babies survived. It wasn’t hit hard enough, and it was thrown into the corner. And then the other ugly dead babies kept on piling up on top of it. And it lived under there. Feeding… off the rotting flesh. Until, eventually, it was strong enough to crawl away on its own. “Be free, Greta. Be free.” Thank you very much! I appreciate it! You’re awesome!"
1686241674-95,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,JEN KIRKMAN: JUST KEEP LIVIN’? (2017) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jen-kirkman-just-keep-livin-2017-full-transcript/,"Hello. I should use a microphone, really. Hi. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was the perfect amount of applause. I didn’t have to stand here too awkwardly long. Thank you for coming. I am Jen. If you didn’t know, maybe you wandered in, now you’re having a fun time with me. Um… It has been brought to my attention by doctors, some codependent yoga teachers, and everyone who’s ever met me that I am high strung. And… it’s been suggested… that therapy isn’t enough, that I need to meditate. And so, now, I am one of these people who meditates. And by “I meditate,” I mean, “I do not ever meditate.” But… I have a meditation playlist, some gongs going, “gong, gong.” I’ve got apps, I think about meditation. I have a meditation chair in my living room. You have one, too. It’s just a fucking chair. But… I put a candle next to it and I call it my meditation chair, yeah. And when you come over, I point out to you, “Oh, don’t mind that, that just, um… That’s my meditation chair, yeah. No, every morning I get up and I think about doing it and I don’t. I get up and I… sit in it and take a few deep breaths. Don’t be intimidated, you can sit in it if you want. Yeah, it’s not… Not everyone’s on the same spiritual plane, but we don’t have any rules in this… happy home with the chair and the… Don’t worry about why the candle has never been lit, just…” But this one day, I did meditate because I had an important thing to do. I wanted to get a job. I wanted to write and I wanted someone to pay me for it. I wanted to have an interview and I wanted to get it. So, that being said, there were a little nerves in the morning. I thought maybe I’ll try this meditation thing that everyone is talking about. And I did about five minutes of meditation. And if you’re not impressed with that, then you’ve never meditated. Because after five seconds, you’re like, “Why did the Lord stop time?” Five minutes is a long time to clear your mind of things and I did it. And I woke up and came out of it and I was like: “Oh, I get what everyone’s talking about. I feel… so… Like, I could handle anything. If I didn’t have to leave the house today, I could really handle anything.” But I did have to leave the house. And so, I got in my car and I’m driving in the Los Angeles 9 a.m. traffic. When I saw the green light, I was like, “Green’s pretty.” And I was trying to figure out what green meant, like, on a deeper level. And I’m like, “Green, what can that tell me?” And I didn’t realize in that moment, all I needed to know about green is it means fucking go. And so, I’m, “Green,” and I start to slow down. And the people behind me are starting to lose it because they are late for work. And so they’re just, “beep!” and they’re honking and their horns, and I’m like, “Oh, now it’s yellow. Oh, red. Oh, that was fun.” And I realized… I’m stopped at the red light, which is normal, but I really stopped at the green light. And then I realized, “Oh, my God, I… I screwed these people.” That could’ve made the difference between them being early and being late. Guy behind is pissed like: I see him in my rear-view mirror. And I just… I feel so calm, though, because I meditated. Yeah, so… I just turned and give him a wave that just says like, “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you think you’re late for work, but… you don’t know what I know. There is no time, so, yeah.” I’m even embarrassed to say that I heard his horn. That’s not very meditation of me. What is a sound, right? That’s… That’s just the meaning I placed on it, right? I could’ve heard anything. I could’ve heard butterflies eating candy. So… I’m driving, feeling really good about myself, and just, like… Just so much better than everyone else that’s so mad. And that’s what meditation’s for, is to feel superior to others. So… I turned the corner and we go to the next stoplight… and I pull up to it and so does the guy behind me that was all pissed. And I’ve got the sunroof open, the windows down. I’m just happy as can be. Again, did I mention I had meditated that morning? And the guy next to me, typical what you think of Los Angeles if you’ve never been. Producer-looking guy, kind of chomping on his cigar, bald, kind of chubby, in his red BMW, probably 50, two divorces. And he’s sitting there and he is pissed at me. And he’s in his car… and he just looks over and goes, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light?” And I’m just sitting in my car like: “I meditated today. Can’t get angry. What would it be like to kill him? Don’t think about that.” So, he yells again, “Hey, dumbass, what were you doing at that light? Texting your boyfriend?” That one got me. Because I didn’t have a boyfriend and I was not happy about it. Then I got pissed. I’m like, “He thinks I’m texting my boyfriend? That’s what he thinks when a woman makes a mistake in traffic? It’s always about a man. Anytime you see a five-car pile up, it’s like, ‘Are you coming home for dinner or not?'” You know? So, I was like, “This guy is not gonna bully me. Fuck this. I don’t care about meditation. Everybody gets angry. I’m not a goddamn saint.” Not that they meditate, but whatever they do. And so, I put the car in park and I stood up in my seat and I put my head out of the sunroof and then I went into the passenger seat. And I leaned over and I went, “What the fuck did you just say to me?” For those at home watching, this isn’t being taped in New York City. He said, “I said, what were you doing at that light, dumbass?” Now, I didn’t wanna tell him, “I meditated today and I got loopy at the green light.” I didn’t want to tell him that because he was mean to me and I wanted to win. I wanted to say something that would make him feel so bad about what he did that he’d be like, “Oh, my God, I have to think before I speak and put myself in other people’s shoes. You never know what someone’s going through.” Right? So, I said to him something that’s true, meaning, I actually said it. The content is not true. I said, “What was I doing? I was thinking. I just found out that my mother died this morning.” I didn’t say I was a good person, I just said I meditated. He goes, “You’re still a dumbass.” And I was like: “What kind of person says that to someone whose mother just died?” She didn’t, he doesn’t know. He is a bad person. I am the winner in this story still. And then I just lost it. And I went, “Oh, go fuck your car.” I don’t know what that means either, but I just… I had to keep going, like I knew what I was talking about. Like, “Yeah, stick your dick in the tailpipe, buddy. I know who you are. What are you, a producer? Divorced? You had two wives and left both of them for your assistant. And what, you…? You tell young girls you’re gonna put them in movies? You don’t have any movies to put them in. You’re a loser.” And the light turned green and he… The light turned green and he drove off. That’s what you do at green lights, you drive away. So, as he drives off, he screams, “You’re crazy.” And I was like: And I screamed out of the… Out of the passenger seat sunroof: “I’m not crazy. I meditated today, motherfucker.” Thank you. Which is an ancient chant from the Buddha. So… But then I thought… My adrenaline’s going, I’m shaking. And I went, “Holy shit, all this happened and I meditated today. What if I hadn’t, you know?” And just a little lesson for you guys, do not call a woman crazy unless you wanna see a woman go fucking crazy, okay? Just don’t. Save yourselves. If you wanna see… If you wanna tell a woman she’s crazy, just call her calm. It’ll just throw us off and the whole thing’s dissipated. Just go, “Hey, you’re being really calm right now.” “Oh, thank you. A psychic told me I was calm once. Thanks. What were we fighting about? I didn’t even know.” So… I’m driving and I’m like: “Okay, just calm down. Adrenaline’s coming down.” I get to the next stoplight. This stoplight never changes. The guy is there again and I’m like, “Okay, don’t start anything, Jen. Stay in your lane and, literally, do not be or seem crazy.” So, I put on some music and I’m bopping around happy as can be. “Look at me, I’m not crazy at all. I wasn’t just screaming, ‘I meditated, motherfucker.’ I am fun and happy.” And he’s kind of looking at me and he yells into my car, “Hey… sorry about your mom.” And I’m like, “Oh, fuck, I forgot my mom died.” And so, you know… I suddenly get real upset, I go: “Oh, I know, it’s been a tough morning. So much paperwork.” What? I don’t know… What is…? Why would there be paperwork so soon, an hour? If it’s real, she lives in Boston, I live in L.A., she died an hour ago, there’s paperwork, do I have a fax machine that’s like, “Someone died, come on,” you know? And so, he looks at me and goes, “Well, love, we got kind of heated, but I hope you have a good day whatever you’re doing.” And I’m like, “You, too, man.” And he drives off and I start sobbing. I’m like, “Oh, my God. So full of emotion, you know. I don’t know if it’s just my mom or just… I… It just kind of… You know, I’ve talked to two people this morning already and I would never do that, but that’s the meditation, it brings us together. It’s so powerful.” So, then I parked the car. I’m no longer crying, or passionate, or crazy, or condescending because I’m meditating. And I walk in into this meeting, introduce myself, we have a chitchat, they’re gonna pay me, I’m gonna do the job, I nailed it. I’m like, “I shouldn’t be allowed to do that. I should not be allowed to act normal ’cause I was acting like a maniac.” How come they don’t have to know what I was doing. You’re allowed into a building and be whatever you want even though you were screaming. I can’t believe we do that, but we do. I’m like, “But registered sex offenders don’t get to do that.” I feel like, I should… When I get crazy like that, I should be treated like a registered sex offender. Like, they have to go door-to-door. “I’m your neighbor. I have things in my past.” Like, I should have to go to a meeting, like, “Hello, I’m a nice person, but I just screamed, ‘I meditated today, ‘ in the middle of the road and…” But I got away with it. It’s like… If you’ve ever been going to a party and you’re in the car with your partner and just… You hate them and you’re like: “That outfit doesn’t match. What’s so funny is you talk about how much you love your mom and she used to put you in these outfits. She fucking sucked at teaching you how to dress. Oh, yeah, I am gonna start in on your mom. Oh, yeah, I am. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no. No, don’t even… No, no, no. Know what? I wanna go to this party for five minutes and I don’t wanna look at you. They’re my friends, not yours.” Then you walk in, “Hey, I brought muffins,” and you’re like… You wanna stay all night. “Aren’t we having fun?” He’s in the corner and your friends are like: “Isn’t she great?” And he’s like, “She’s fucking great.” And you get back in the car and you forget about the fight from before and you’re like, “Weren’t those muffins great? I’m great.” And he’s just looking at you like, “Shut up. I know who you really are.” I know you can probably sense I’m a bit of a badass. Um… Not… I don’t mean because of that story, but you can tell I have a tattoo. I know you can. Um… I have… Not everyone gets one, you know. There’s badasses and the rest of you and, um… But I have a tattoo and I’m only gonna have one. I think the whole tattoo thing is a lot like kids. Like, first of all, some people want one, some people want none, some people want a bunch, like… And it’s all over their arms and it looks like a lot of work. But… But you go to a place, you lay down, there’s a lot of pain and you’re like: “God, I hope I love it. It is permanent.” So… So, I’m having a tattoo instead of a child. And… So, for me, I’m one of the one-and-doner types. So, you know that my tattoo has to be very meaningful, right? If… If you’ve ever thought about getting a tattoo, you think about it for a while. “I don’t wanna get something dumb. I have to have something that means something.” And I’ve been waiting my whole life to find something succinct that means something that I can put on my body permanently. I thought of something a couple of years ago and I was like: “Don’t do it, give it another year and if you’re still thinking about it, do it.” That’s what I did. And I was inspired by my friend who got a tattoo of her grandfather’s name on her wrist and his birthday because he has an amazing story, so… My… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust because he was a Nazi. But… No, that’s… Okay. Sorry. That… That’s just a fun joke. That is not… I didn’t set you guys up, there really is a story about my friend. I just had to throw in because he was… My friend’s grandfather survived the Holocaust. And my friend, just like her father and her father’s father, and like many of us in this country, suffers from depression and anxiety. And the story he would tell was the survival story of his mind. When he was in the camps, he would say a prayer of gratitude to God and say, “I don’t… If this has to end this way, fine, but thank you for making me me and not one of the evil people. Thank you for putting love in my heart.” And that is mind-blowing. Of course you put that guy’s name on your wrist. The most beautiful story I’ve heard. And I don’t have anyone in my family like that. I… I come from a family of Catholic people from Boston and we don’t talk to God like that. We don’t like God. We are mad at God and we assume he’s mad at us. “Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for a bad thing that happened? That means God’s mad… Mad at you. He’s punishing you. Jennifer, why would you have gratitude for God being so mean to you? Maybe he’ll think you like it there and he’ll keep you in there. We’re not bothering God with all this gratitude unless something good happens. Nothing bad’s ever happened in our family, but it could and we’re gonna complain in advance and we’re gonna stay vigilant. So, no tattoos of anything our family said, please.” So, I had to go elsewhere. So, I’ll show you my… My tattoo… and then I’ll explain. Thank you. It’s on my ankle. It’s on my ankle. It says, “JKL,” which stands for JK living, which stands for just keep living, which is Matthew McConaughey’s catchphrase. Thank you. This tattoo could not be less ironic at all. I mean it with all my heart. Just keep living… inspires me. And I’m not suicidal. But I am a soul trapped in a body. I didn’t ask to be born and I’m afraid to die. And that’s the shit I live in every day. And so… Yeah. I love what you get excited about. “Yeah, that’s right. We’re trapped!” Before you judge, or if you think I’m just some shallow Hollywood person. No, no, no. There’s a story behind “just keep living.” Just like my friend had a story behind her tattoo of her grandfather. So, I’m at the nail salon and I’m having a bad day… but I don’t know why I’m having a bad day. I just don’t feel good. Physically, I feel fine. Mentally, not into it. So, I’m scrolling through People magazine and I see an article about Matthew McConaughey. Well, he had a tough day once, too. I’m not sure why you’re laughing. This is very serious. He was filming Dazed and Confused and he knew he was going to be a big star, but his father is dying, so, he was like: “Something good and something bad is happening at the same time. Well, I guess I better just keep living.” And then that became his catchphrase. And I see you’re not as moved to silence by it as you were the Holocaust story. And that’s fine. Different things for different people. The thing about this tattoo is it’s in an inconvenient place. If my friend is having a bad day, she can remind herself, “Not as bad as my grandfather had it,” by going like this. I have to be like: “I will board this plane in a minute, I’m having a bad day, and I need a reminder… Go… Go ahead. Go. Go ahead.” People say things about tattoos like, “You’re gonna regret it. It looks dumb.” I’m like, “It looks dumb now, I’m all set. Thank you.” I got the, uh… I actually got the tattoo on my birthday last year. Didn’t do anything fun for my birthday this year. Got a gift from mom. It wasn’t my only gift, but she handed me this piece of paper. Um… She does that now that she’s getting older. I don’t know if she’s made a will, but she seems to send me things and hand me things whenever I see her and it’s always a dramatic speech. “Jennifer, I had to give this to you because if I die how would you know I had it?” I go, “I’m gonna ransack the house. Yeah, I’ll get everything, don’t worry.” But she give me this thing and it is as old as I am. It is 42 years old. It is the piece of paper they gave her when she left the hospital with me when I was a little baby. I know, so cute. I was 7 and a half pounds when I was born. So thin. Now I am 42 years old and I’ve been over this before, you know, when we talk about complimenting women and men, too, of telling people they look young. It’s a scary thing. Do not do this to people, okay? Stop complimenting people by saying, “You don’t look your age.” Don’t do that. I don’t like when women in their 20s are like: “Oh, my God, I thought you were my age.” Not a compliment. I’ve been in my 20s. I don’t wanna look like I have four roommates and shitty towels. I don’t wanna look like that. So… Thank you. I’m the only one I know that loves being called “ma’am.” I love it. I… Whenever someone goes, “Your change, ma’am,” I’m like, “You noticed. Thank you. Yeah. I have had a really rich and storied life. Yeah. I, um… No, I’ve got time to tell you. I had a pager, sure, yeah. I… I was a cashier before scan technology, made change in my head. And I was around when Bruce Willis thought he should record an R&B album. So, yeah. Survivor, seen a lot. Thanks.” Anyways, my mom gives me this. This is all they gave you in the ’70s when you had a child, a living thing that you had to take care of. Not even 8-by-10. “Here you go. Bye.” This I found very strange. It says, “Friends and relatives, these people are interested in your baby.” Oh, thank you. “And they want to hold and hug him.” Oh, they didn’t have girls in the ’70s. “We must caution you to keep visitors away from your baby. The newborn baby is best kept as much to himself as possible.” Which is different than now. I go to my friends’ houses, they’re like: “Look at the baby, swaddle the baby, you can breastfeed the baby. It’s fine.” But in the ’70s, it’s just like, “Joyce, didn’t you have a baby?” “Yeah, three months ago.” “Where is he?” “He’s in the other room. We haven’t taken him out yet. You know, they say, the doctor says too much looking, and touching, and fussing, it… It can lead to a sense of well-being, so we don’t want that, we’re just gonna… Don’t look at him.” But… This is my favorite part, we might have to go over it twice if there’s any confusion. It explains crying. Why does a baby cry? Well, he’s too hot, he’s too hungry, he’s too thirsty. We got it. Here’s one. “If it is less than three hours from the feeding, check to make sure there are no pins sticking in him. And change him.” So, I’ll explain for anyone very young. Velcro, although invented in the ’40s, was something they didn’t put on diapers. I don’t know if they didn’t put it on diapers. We didn’t have Velcro diapers in the ’70s in my house. Whenever we didn’t have something, we were told it wasn’t invented yet. I’d be like, “Can we get a microwave?” My parents were like, “Not invented yet.” I’m like, “Oh, my God, I must be so genius. How did I know there was…?” But we… We did not have Velcro diapers. Back then, you’d wear a cloth diaper and then they’d put safety pins to keep it on. So, that’s fine. Make sure no pins are sticking in him. But why must you wait three hours? Can’t you…? Can’t you feed the baby, put him down in the other room where no friends or family can see him… If five minutes goes by, can you check and see if there’s no pins in him? If there aren’t, then go, “I guess he’s gonna cry for a while.” But, no, this says three hours. You could see a movie in three hours. But you don’t have a VCR back then. So, you have to go to a movie and you can come all the way back, and have 15 minutes left before you check on your kid. “Should we check on him?” “It says three hours. We don’t wanna be smothering.” “You’re right, we got 15. Make me a drink, then we’ll go in, I’m gonna…” So… I basically know that I was just thrown in another room with pins sticking in me growing up. Which is why I’m so comfortable being alone and I do acupuncture. But, um… I travel alone, I went to Italy by myself this year. And it invoked a lot of reactions from people. You would have thought I said, “I started a race riot this year.” People were like, “What? You did what?” People are very freaked out with being alone. Like, I love being alone. I think it’s great. People are like, “How do you do it?” How do I decide that I don’t like other people and make sure I’m not around them? Pretty easy. People are like: “I don’t even wanna go to the movies alone.” Why would you wanna go with another person? What can you do at the movies with another person besides jerk them off or something? There’s nothing to do at the movies. And I’m a grown woman. I don’t care if people think I’m a loser for being alone.
 I was excited for this trip before people started putting a damper on it. My dad was saying, “Aren’t you afraid of ISIS? ISIS is everywhere. Be afraid of ISIS.” I was like, “Who… I’m a woman. I don’t have time to be afraid of ISIS. I’m just busy being afraid of plain old men. Are you kidding me?” You ever walked by a bar at 1 a.m. when dudes in baseball hats are getting out? Fuck ISIS. ISIS are adorable. ISIS have costumes and beards, look like bartenders. ISIS, they’re not… I’m not afraid of them at all.
 So… I’m packing for my trip and I’m thinking like, “Where should I go?” Like, you know, I’m making list of, like, where I’m gonna see and what I’m gonna do. Then I Googled just at the last minute, ’cause I booked a trip to Venice. I just Googled, “What are the safest places in Italy where woman don’t get raped?” – Oh! – “Oh! Oh! She said rape.” Let me fucking tell you something. Rape exists, I’m gonna talk about it. That’s not a joke, that’s a fact. I looked that up because I didn’t wanna get raped. I’ll stop talking about rape when men stop raping. So, don’t give me your little outrage, “Ooh, oh, oh!” So… But it’s true, there are websites for this stuff. Well, it’s just Yelp. There should be… There should be “Relp” for like, “Where will I get raped? Help.” And so you go on that website. So… I felt very safe in Venice, and if anyone cares I came out of it unscathed, it was a very safe time. But people were saying to me: “Wouldn’t you rather wait and go with a man?” Not for safety, just it’s not fun to go, I guess, without a man. And I’m in a relationship and that’s what shocked people more. “Why isn’t he going?” ‘Cause I’m a comedian, I happen to be in Europe for some work anyway. I thought I’d just jaunt over to Italy for a couple days, and he has a job and so he can’t just do that. And they’re like, “He’s abusive.” I’m like, “No, no, he just… He just has a different job, and I have free time, and… It’d be a waste to not go to Italy, it’s just two hours away.” And they’re like, “He should be by your side for this.” I’m like, “It’s not chemo. I’m just going on a trip. I’m just going on a trip. It’s all good, they have food there, they have wine, they have people that talk, it’s just like here, it’s just like here.” But I don’t understand. Obviously, you wanna sometimes spend time with your partner. But traveling… Why risk the relationship? Why travel with a partner, right? I went to Paris once with my husband. Guess what, now he’s my ex-husband. It… You don’t have to travel with your partner. It’s the time that you see them 24 hours a day and everything they do, you’re like: “Why are you walking on the plane using your legs? God!” When you travel alone, you can eat with your hands. I don’t mean pizza. I was eating a salad. I would rub it on. It was great.
 The only thing that sucked about my trip, and I hate to complain about such a privileged thing as to go to Italy by myself, is that I booked a walking tour ’cause I love that stuff. And I booked the ghost tours of Venice, which I thought was gonna be so fun. I was reading the website, people were leaving comments. “It was so fun, then a theater troupe jumped out at us and they tried to scare us and we saw sites where people got slaughtered back in the 1700s, we heard these crazy ghost stories and we saw secret canals and secret this and secret that.” And I was like, “I want that. I want all the secrets.” So, I signed up for it. And it was my last night in Venice. And so at the last minute, I checked my e-mail confirmation from the company. And I had accidentally booked a private tour. And I was like, “No. No.” Thank you for understanding. “I don’t wanna walk alone with someone for 90 minutes. That’s my worst nightmare.” And they make me meet him on the bridge, like some romance story. And he sees me and he goes, “Is it just you?” And I go, “Yeah.” And he goes, “Oh, this breaks my heart.” And he was doing this big thing. “I don’t wanna give you the ghost story tour. Oh, it’s too sad. You’re alone in Venice. Oh, no, no, no. We do the love story tour.” I go, “I wanna see where people got murdered. Tell me about dead babies. I wanna hear all kinds of crazy shit.” And he asked, “Where is the man?” I don’t know if he meant my boyfriend or “the man” that’s coming down on us. I’m like, “If I knew where ‘the man’ was, we’d all be free,” right? And so… I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was very concerned, I had to explain, “I’m in a…” You know, like all walking tours start this way, you explain. You’re in a relationship, very happy. You’re just taking sometime alone. Don’t worry. And then I got down on my knees and screamed: “Why, God, I miss him! I haven’t seen a penis in a week! Oh, God!” But then we started the tour. But when… The other problem… Not just being a woman with a man. When you’re anybody with anybody, when you’re alone on a walking tour, they can start taking advantage of you. So, he was like, “Miss, if you don’t mind, I don’t feel so much like walking tonight.” I’m like, “You picked the wrong job.” He’s like, “I’m a little tired. It’s been a hard day. I am sad and it’s hot. Could we stand here?” And so I said yes.
 I stood under a bridge with a man while he told me stories that were not ghost stories for 90 minutes, okay? And I knew the inevitable was gonna happen. I knew it was gonna happen. He asked me… why I was in Italy. And I said, “For vacation.” He said, “But why alone?” I said, “All right, I was in London doing some work and I came here.” “What work do you do?” And I… I don’t wanna tell him I’m a comedian. You guys, you’re nice to comedians when we’re on stage, but in real life, people say awful things to us. They find we’re comedians they’re like, “You don’t seem funny.” “I’m getting my fucking colon removed, that’s why.” So… I always have a lie whenever I check-in to a hotel, get into an Uber. “What brings you to town?” Shuts them up. “My friend’s having an abortion. I had to come right in. And it’s a guy so it’s a weird procedure, so just please leave me alone. I don’t wanna…” So, I just tell him I’m a comedian and then he goes: “Madam, this is not a provocation… but your life does not seem interesting enough that you have to go around the world and tell it.” And he’s right, isn’t he? And that was how the tour ended is he said “not a provocation” and then gave me a big old provocation. And then he did one nice thing. I was trying to look at the positive, I’m a meditator. Is he took me to an Italian restaurant. Obviously, I was in Italy. He took me to a restaurant, I don’t have to say Italian restaurant. “Is this here an Italian restaurant or what?” So, he took me… He took me to a restaurant. He didn’t sit with me, he just brought me there. And I was actually very grateful because it was on the Grand Canal and if you’ve ever been to anywhere, you sometimes don’t know what’s the authentic restaurant and what is the cheesy tourist place. And so, I said, “I never would’ve picked this place. I had no idea by looking at the restaurants on the Grand Canal what was authentic and what wasn’t, so, thank you for bringing me here.” Now he’s standing over my table, waiter is bringing the wine, things are starting to happen and he says, “May I tell you one more story, then?” I go, “Okay.” He hadn’t told me a ghost story yet, so I was like, “Maybe this is it.” He goes, “You remind me, there’s a story about perception. You bring up you don’t know what restaurant is good based on looks. Isn’t that life? You don’t know a man or a person, just based on looking at them, what’s in their soul. Maybe there’s a man and he’s fun and he walks and he tells the stories. But then maybe he goes home and he kills himself.” “Is that it?” He goes, “Yes.” I go, “Okay, well, have a good night. Thanks for the tour.” What…? “Just keep living.” I was annoyed because he never told the horror story. He only told me the love story. I was like, “Oh, that’s so… I don’t… Not everyone’s meant for this world. Whatever he wants, I don’t care.” But I thought, maybe I should complain. Like, I don’t wanna get him fired, but I wanna complain and get my money back and then just have the manager just tell everyone, “Hey, you know, we can’t mess around with the tours. Give people what they want.” So, maybe, what if I call the manager right now? What if she was like, “Sergio? He did not meet you on the bridge at 7.” I’d be like, “He did.” She’d be like, “Oh, no, ma’am, at 6:30 he killed himself.” I’d be like, “Oh, my God, that was the greatest ghost tour ever!” Yes. Now you like a suicide joke when it has a little punch to it, right? So, you know, I’m a hypochondriac, but not… I don’t invent things. It’s just that when something happens, I think it’s worse than it is, right? I had an incident with my doctor six months ago… where she told me I couldn’t come back for a year even if I really was dying. Because I had such a hypochondriacal episode… and made an ass of myself. Now, I wanna tell you the story, but it’s gonna be filmed… and now a cliché is gonna be stuck on me. Because the story also involves my period. And people have a problem when women talk about their periods. “People.” Men. So… the common wisdom that people say is women aren’t funny. Okay, great. I can’t do anything about that. If you don’t think I’m funny, check out other women, right? “Women” is not a type of comedy. “Women” is a type of person. I think women are people, I’m not sure. Anyway, but… Let’s take apart why it’s so difficult to talk about a period. I think sometimes people just don’t know what a period is. And so, a man doesn’t wanna hear about it because he’s like: “I feel stupid. I don’t know what it is.” And no problem. They didn’t explain it to us either. I turned 11, mother said, “You’re gonna get your period.” “What’s that?” “A thing you’re gonna get.” “When?” “Anytime between now and the next seven years.” “Oh, God.” And then you’re just walking to school like, “Gonna get my period. What’s my period? Comes out of here. Do I have it? Can anyone see?” And so, it’s… It’s… Here’s what a period is. Let’s start with education and get to the fun story about hypochondria and my period, right? Here we go. In case anyone doesn’t know what a period is, every month a woman sheds the interior of her uterine lining because she’s not pregnant, because she’s a dirty, dirty whore… who didn’t do the one thing God put her on earth to do, which is make a baby. And that’s her three- to-five-day punishment. So… that’s what a period is. Now… I think men can handle that fact, right? And I’m not making fun of men. I mean, I… The thing… Men aren’t ever mean to us about our periods when we talk about them. They’re never mean to us. They just don’t wanna hear it. And I understand that because the world caters to you and you don’t have to hear about anything that you don’t know about. And that must be really scary when you have to, so, we must… We must be kind to men. I don’t like the old hacky thing of, “If men had their periods, they’d be like, ‘Yeah, blood everywhere. Gonna name a bar after it. Yeah… ‘” You know. Maybe that’d be true, maybe it wouldn’t. But I don’t know if it’d be true because if men were the ones getting their periods, then women would be the ones not getting their periods. And so, it would be unequal. And I know what I’m like when I don’t understand things in a man’s body. Know what I mean? Like, “Why do you have balls?” “‘Cause I have them.” “Get rid of it.” Like, I’m not necessarily nice. And so, I wonder what I would be like if I had a boyfriend who got his period because men get the periods and I’ve never had one. If I’m at dinner… and my boyfriend comes out of the bathroom and he’s like: “Uh, Jen… we gotta go.” “Jonathan, we didn’t order an appetizer yet.” “Jen, I just got my period a day early and I’m wearing white pants. We gotta go. We gotta go.” “Uh, what do you mean you got your period a day early? Doesn’t it come on the same day every month? “” No, it’s a hormonal thing, it’s irregular. I can’t control it.” “Oh, I can’t control my body. Oh, it’s hormones made me do it. Come on, you can control it.” “Jen, I can’t.” “They have tampons in the bathroom?” “No, they’re out and I… So, we gotta go.” “You have a tampon in your purse, Jonathan?” “No, I forgot.” “Jonathan, how many times have I told you be a fucking man and keep a tampon in your purse in case… you get your period early. And why wear white pants anywhere near the week of your expected period? God, what…? How long have you been getting this, 20 years now? Why can’t you do this, Jonathan? You can leave. I’m eating here. We’ve had this reservation for two weeks. Leave, I’m staying. Go. Tie your jacket around your waist, Jonathan. Everyone can see your period.” Then I call my friend, “I’m at a restaurant alone. Yeah. But Jonathan got his period. No, of course he didn’t. He didn’t know it was coming, no. He never knows. Oh, like Jonathan had a tampon. Are you crazy? We’re talking about Jonathan. He’s the… I don’t know if I can be with him ’cause if he can’t plan for himself, then, like, how can he plan for me, you know?” So, that might be what women are like if men got their periods. Here’s what happened to me. Now, my period comes on the same day every month. Never been early, never been late. I don’t get cramps. Thank you. So… One morning… when I was 41 and a half years old and really feeling it… just thinking about it, God… almost 50. I mean, not really, but… closer than I was when I was 13. Right? I woke up in the morning and I went to the ladies’ room. There’s not a ladies’ room in my house. It’s not like ladies, men, wheelchair, you know, it’s… I went… I was going pee. And I looked at my underwear and there were some fresh drops of blood. Now, again… it was two weeks from when I was supposed to get my period. And this was not uterine lining-looking blood. This was prick-your-finger fresh blood. It actually looked like the blood… that my roommate’s cat had years and years ago. When I was just a young thing with a roommate in Brooklyn and she had a dying cat. And the cat dragged its body across the floor as little drops of blood came out because the cat’s kidneys were failing. That’s right. And my roommate had to put the cat in a cage and the cat got put down that day, the same day that the blood drops appeared in the morning. And I looked at myself and I went, “Today is the day I will be put down. I don’t have a human-sized cage and I live alone. I knew if I didn’t start a family this would happen, but I’ll have to put myself down. I will call the vet and I will make an appointment.” Because I knew that’s internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. I have internal bleeding. But before I freaked out, I checked my vagina for glass. And so I just wanted to make sure… Because I take sleeping pills sometimes, you can sleepwalk on those. I wanted to make sure that in the middle of the night I didn’t start sleepwalking, then get into a bar fight, break a bottle, and then put it in me and you go, “Come at me!” So… I called friends, I’m like, “Did I get in a bar fight with my vagina?” They’re like, “I don’t think so.” I was like, “Thanks. The bad news is then I must be put down today. It’s internal bleeding. I’m gonna call my doctor.” So, I called. I said, “I have to come in. I have internal bleeding.” I get there, she puts me in the stirrups, which is stupid. I’m like, “This isn’t a period thing. Do an x-ray. I have internal bleeding. My kidneys are failing. Rapidly. Come on.” She looks up and goes, “Jen, this is your period.” I go, “No, it isn’t.” And she goes, “Yes, it is.” “It’s not supposed to be here for two weeks.” She goes, “Two weeks early.” I go, “Well, I want a second opinion.” She goes, “What do you want a second opinion about?” I said, “I still think this is internal bleeding.” And she said, “It’s not.” And I said, “How do you know?” And she said, “Because you’re seeing the blood externally.” “Oh, that’s such a fucking amazing point. I never thought about that. That’s why people die from internal bleeding, because they don’t see the blood. Okay, I got it. Good. All right. I am stupid.” She looked at me and went, “Are you okay?” And I went, “I don’t think so. No, I don’t…” And like a child being handed a toothbrush by a dentist, she just handed me a tampon and was like, “Get out of here.” And, um… Now, the worst part is, I have a subscription for tampons on Amazon. And I keep forgetting to cancel it, and so every month, I get so many tampons. And I have a closet filled with them. They will outlive me. I will not… I will be in menopause before them. I’ll be dead. I will one day be in a chair, no blood left in my body, like: “I haven’t even seen blood on a tooth, let alone this.” I have no kids, I have no one to give them to. I’m the weird lady at Halloween every year where it’s like, “Trick or treat.” And I’m like, “You’ll be a woman someday. Yes, take this.” Even you, little boy, you never know. Take it, take it. Take it, everybody.” It’s amazing what we don’t know about our bodies, we don’t think about things. Like, I was taught nothing about my body growing up. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was basically almost 22 years old, which I have a lot of shame about. I think it’s kind of old, kind of dorky. And even the person I lost my virginity to does not know that he took it, ’cause I had to lie that I lost it at age 16 under a creeping willow tree. You get real detailed when you lied about stuff, right? I lost my virginity at age 21, but, like, almost 22, like, 21 and 11 months. And it wasn’t ’cause I was a prude. I wanted to lose my virginity. It had always been my life’s goal ever since I was a little girl. Just grow up someday and lose my virginity. And the thing that stopped me… It was a Catholic thing. Well, first of all, I didn’t really understand even what sex was, right? I mean, I had sex education, as we all did. They didn’t, like, teach you how to fuck, it was just like… They never said anything about, like, making love and sensuality, and… There’s never gay people involved. It was just a man lays next to a woman, they get pregnant. I was like, “Why would anyone do that?” And so… Single bed for life, right? And so… All we had in sex education for the girls, we had a big poster of fallopian tubes. And I was like, “Those are inside of me?” They looked giant, like, “Why aren’t they coming out my mouth?” It was just like… And there was just a vagina right there with an egg right here. Looked like a ball in a catcher’s mitt. It looked like the egg is always there, like, “Let’s play ball. Impregnate me. Come on, we’ll go around the bases.” And then for the boys, they just had a poster of sperm. And they taught us in one little drop of semen there’s billions and billions of sperm. I was like, “Okay.” That’s all I remembered. As I got to be a teenager, my mother was like: “Never have sex, you’ll get pregnant every time.” And I was like, but I think she’s right ’cause I thought back to those two signs, the egg waiting and ready and then billions and billions of sperm. What are the odds? A billion to one. You’re going to have a baby, right? I was like, “How come women just have one? How come they’re aren’t like:” Like, why aren’t babies just, like, spilling out of everybody? Like, there’s billions and billions of sperm and one egg. So, I didn’t wanna… I didn’t wanna, you know, lose my virginity so fast. It was the Catholic Church’s fault. Like, now, I’m cool with Jesus. I knew Jesus didn’t mind if I had sex ’cause Jesus loved whores, right? It’s in the Bible. He hung out with prostitutes, they were his favorite people. When he was fed up with the apostles, “Where are my prostitutes?” “We’re here.” He’d be like, “We’re not gonna write about you in the Bible.” And then he was friends with them. So, I knew that once I had sex, I would just confess to Jesus, “I had sex.” He’d be like, “I love that.” I’d be like, “Just telling you.” And so that would be fine. What I was afraid of was getting pregnant. Obviously, I didn’t want to be a teenage mother or a mother period. I knew if I got pregnant, I would have to have an abortion and I was very afraid of abortion because of church. Not ’cause of Jesus, but because of the priest at church. Every single sermon the priest at my church did were about abortion. Even though it was not in the Bible that day, you know. They would be like, “Merry Christmas, everybody. And we are here ’cause Mary had a baby. She kept it even though she didn’t know who the fuck gave it to her. And we will celebrate Mary. She didn’t have an abortion like you girls who go to the clubs and use it as birth control. Then if you had an abortion, you go to hell. If you know someone that’s had an abortion, you go to hell. Guys, don’t worry. We’ll high-five you. You got a woman pregnant. But the women are going to hell.” And I was like, “I don’t wanna go to hell.” I decided I’m never gonna get pregnant and the easiest way to do that is to never have sex. And I really didn’t understand what an abortion was. I didn’t know it was a safe medical procedure that prevents a pregnancy from becoming a pregnancy. I thought you carried a baby to full term and then in a doctor’s office, they, like, shot it in the head. You know, I was like, “I’m not doing that.” I’m not judging, but I’m not doing that. So, instead of sex… Instead of sex, I was the girl who loved being fingered. I loved fingering. Loved? I still love it. I love fingering. I am bringing back fingering. It’s amazing. Do it to everybody. It’s not just for… It’s not just for kids. It’s like sugar cereal. Adults can enjoy it, too. It’s wonderful. You’re going right to the source. Greatest feeling on Earth. And so… I had a lovely boyfriend who used to finger me. And the first time I ever got fingered… Oh, my God. I mean, I touched myself before, but when you get to go hands free, it’s like, “Whee!” It’s so exciting. And the feeling was so powerful that after I got fingered, every moment after that that I wasn’t getting fingered, I was in a deep, dark depression. That’s why when you see Goth girls walking around, they’re not trying to get attention, they’re upset. They got fingered once and haven’t been fingered since. They’re like, “It’s so dark. Everything is horrible. I don’t feel anything.” So, anyway… My boyfriend usually went first on me ’cause he was a good guy. But this one time I wanted to return the favor. And so I took my two dry hands, and I rubbed his penis up and down like you do, and it almost caught on fire. And… So, like a skilled firefighter, he grabbed it like a hose and was like, “I got this,” you know. And he came on his hand like a young man of 17 does, wiped it on his T-shirt in the basement and then he kindly went in to return the favor. All I saw on that finger… I couldn’t see it, but I knew it was there. Billions and billions of sperm. I didn’t wanna be like: “Can you wash your hands? I’m not ready to become a mother.” ‘Cause that’s dorky, right? Then I was like, “You can’t get pregnant from fingering. They would’ve told us. They would’ve told us that in school. Unless they don’t know what this is, and we just invented it.” I was like, “I need that good feeling,” so I let it happen. No consequences. I didn’t care. I woke up in the middle of the night and put my hand on my stomach and I felt a heartbeat and I was like: “Oh, my God. I’m a mother.” I was so dumb. I didn’t know that you could feel a pulse anywhere else but your wrist. That was the first time I had noticed a pulse anywhere else in my body. And I thought I’d grown a baby in four hours. I was like, “Whoo! That happens fast. No wonder this abortion is such a hot topic. There is a living, breathing person in there.” Well, I couldn’t tell my mom. She’d kill me. I didn’t have the Internet back then, not just ’cause my mom wouldn’t let me, it wasn’t invented yet, okay? So, all I had was a typewriter, and you can’t ask your typewriter: “Can I get fingered, and then get pregnant from that?” ‘Cause your typewriter just has a piece of paper looking back at you, like: “I don’t know if you can get pregnant. I’m a typewriter.” So, you’re just stuck. It’s a standstill, right? So, I had to go… to the library. And I couldn’t ask the librarian because she was a friend of my mom. I couldn’t be like, “I got finger-blasted. What do you think, baby or no?” So, I had to take a walk to the card catalog. Which if you’re younger and you don’t know, it’s what we had before the Internet at the library. It’s a catalog filled with cards. And in it are cards that have the name of every book in the library. Now, as years go by and more information is out there, they keep jamming more cards in the catalog. They don’t get extra catalogs, no, no. Just shove it in the one. You put your finger in and take a risk. You might not get your finger back. Like, “Aah!” And so I had to look for books about pregnancy. Now, again, the card catalog is not in alphabetical order. No, no, no. It is in something called the Dewey Decimal System, which is a complicated series of numbers that librarians have to go to college to learn. But they throw it in the lobby at us, like, “You’ll figure it out.” And so… I find books on pregnancy and, you know, of course, it doesn’t just say pregnancy and then aisle P. No, I have to memorize, like, 12 numbers. And so, back then we used to be smart. We could memorize 12 numbers. We didn’t have to take a picture or anything. And so… Then I walked all the way back… to the shelves. I didn’t give an example of the 12-number thing ’cause I’m too stupid now. There was no book What to Expect If You’re Expecting ‘Cause You’ve Been Fingered, so I was like, “Argh!” So, I just didn’t do anything. If I had been pregnant, it would’ve been like those TV shows where I just have it in a toilet. But nine months later, when no baby came, I was like, “I must have miscarried. So tragic, but so right for me, you know.” So, then I found out. I found out all the facts. The egg’s not sitting there, it only comes once in a while. And if you use condoms it’s 99.9 percent effective. I was like, “I gotta lose my virginity then.” But my boyfriend and I had broken up and I was about to go to college, I was like, “How am I gonna lose my virginity now? I don’t know anyone at college yet. What, am I gonna walk in and go to a guy and go, “Wanna have sex?” They have to be in love before they do that. I didn’t know anything. And then I thought, “Wait, how am I gonna get a guy to be interested in me unless he thinks I’m experienced? No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.” I didn’t know that either. So, I spread a rumor about myself. I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992, that I had already fucked ten guys. That’s a lot, ten guys. I mean, not now, but then. That was a lot. Ten guys at 18 was a lot. Some people don’t have ten people in their town. Ten guys. And 1992 was an innocent, innocent time. Beverly Hills, 90210, Brenda and Dylan, they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other. Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself. He was a virgin. It was an innocent time. So, no guys wanted to have sex with me because they thought I had an STD because I’d fucked ten guys. And so, I went year after year after year not getting laid until I met someone who transferred into my college my senior year and he hadn’t heard the rumors and I didn’t tell him. We had sex, it was fun, it was fine. I don’t remember every detail ’cause it was long ago, but it was lovely. And I walked home that day, just, you know, listening to my Discman, listening to Madonna, you know, Bedtime Stories album. I’m like, “I get it. I’m sexual, too, Madge.” And, um… But something stopped me dead as I was walking and I was like, “Wait a minute, my hymen didn’t break.” That’s another thing they teach us girls. We have a hymen. It’s a piece of skin that’s somewhere in our vagina and a penis pokes it and we bleed and get sheets dirty and we suck, fuck you, you’re dumped. So, now… my hymen didn’t break and I was like, “Uh-oh. I hope my hymen didn’t get pushed up into my body and now it’s strangling, you know, my internal organs.” I don’t even know what a hymen is. How strong is it? How does it work? And I was like, “I gotta go to a doctor.” And so, I went to the school nurse, but I didn’t wanna act like I just lost my virginity, so, I tried to play it all “cas.” I walked in, I was like, “Hey, quick question. Um… When I lost my virginity, whenever that was… uh… my hymen didn’t break. What’s up with that?” She was like, “That’s an old wive’s tale. It’s fine. If you’ve used a tampon or ridden a horse or took a dance class it can stretch, it can break.” I go: “Okay, it can’t get shoved up and start strangling your organs?” “No, it’s a tissue.” “Can it get wadded up and…?” “No, not a tissue. Like, it’s a…” I go, “Oh, okay, okay.” She looks at my chart like, “About to turn 22.” She goes: “So, you didn’t just lose your virginity, did you?” “No, I fucked like ten guys.” And that’s when I got my first STD test. So… So, I’m in a relationship, and I don’t have jokes about it because it’s a nice story. I’m with someone that I love a lot, we’ve known each other for a long time… And look at you get quiet. No one likes nice things, I understand. But there was a time in my life when I was what I call “single” single, when I was like, “God, like, no one seems to like me.” I wasn’t getting picked and I didn’t like how it felt. And I read a self-help book that was like, take yourself on a self date. And so, I did that. And I would sit at bars and… guys would come up and go, “Can I sit here?” I go, “No. I’m also sitting there, please stop. I’m on a… I’m on a date with myself, so, would you please?” I started saying bullshit things, you know, after reading these books, like, “You know what? Gonna take some time. Can’t love someone till you love yourself, you know?” What bullshit. You can love someone when you don’t love yourself. What a fun distraction, right? So… But my friend did this. She decided to have a party. She called it Facebook in Real Life. And she invited a bunch of people… Really good idea. She invited people that sort of know each other. You could vouch for someone if you don’t know them well. So, you could be like, “Oh, hey, John’s fun. He’s a murderer, though. Don’t go home with him, but fun at parties. Okay.” They’re like, “Oh, cool.” I met this guy, really nice guy. He was age appropriate, we got each other’s numbers, started texting. We liked the same things, talked about the same stuff. He didn’t send a dick pic, nothing inappropriate. I felt respected and then, you know, after a couple of weeks, he asked me to go have wine with him. I was like, “We’re going on date.” We’re sitting there and drinking and talking. I’m not getting a vibe he wants to sleep with me, but I’m like, “I’ll loosen him up a little.” Waitress comes and she’s like, “Want a third?” We do that dance you do when you, “I don’t normally drink more than two. Do you? I don’t. I could if you… I… You will? I’ll have one, yeah. We’re gonna fuck. Yeah, we’re gonna fuck. Bring a third.” So, she brings the third. As I’m taking a sip, he’s like, “Anyway, my girlfriend…” I’m like, “Pfft! Your fucking what? What kind of shit is this?” I don’t say that, but… No, I act interested. I’m like, “Tell me about your girlfriend?” And… Nothing wrong hanging out with a woman if you have girlfriend. Absolutely nothing. I have tons of male friends. But that’s it, the door is shut. Thank you, I have male friends. I don’t need any more. I don’t need any more. I have plenty, right? I didn’t understand what his angle was. I said, “Does your girlfriend get upset that you go out with women?” He goes, “Oh, no, she knows I love women. I’m a male feminist.” I go, “‘I’m a male feminist.’ Thanks so much for being on our side, male fucking…” If I wanna fucking drink wine with a feminist, I’ll stay home by myself and I might even get laid. I… And my fingers do not have billions and billions of sperm. I started to figure it out, like, “I see how life is different. I see how it’s different.” Back in the day, men would marry the woman that cooks and cleans and has the babies and he starts to look at her more like a mother. So, he needs to get sex on the side. Now, men are smart. They live with the sex and they want the brains on the side. Well, me and all the other women are not gonna be your mind whores, dude, all right? You’re not gonna finger her then come out, have a drink with me and talk about documentaries until midnight, you pig! Thank you. So… we’re not friends anymore, but I really… I know it sounds like I hate men. I really don’t. I love men and I look at them the way I look at children, which is like, “Oh, my God, for people who don’t know what you’re doing, you have so much energy about it, you know.” But… the… The one… The one area that is really cool, I like that people say they’re feminist, and it’s like, you know, white people can say they identify for Black Lives Matter, and men can say they’re feminist. It’s really cool. There’s one area, though that I don’t know why we can’t nip this, it would be so quick and easy to do, is street harassment. It is still a thing that we are shouting at some men to understand, you know, that it is a really serious scary thing. And I feel like if you’re going to yell out of your car at a woman, commit to it. Get an old-timey car with a horn that’s like, “Aooga!” It’s so stupid. So, you know, mo… All of my guy friends are not idiots, they do not act this way, but I found out one of my friends who I respect does this. I’m like, “You street harass?” “It’s not harassment, it’s a compliment.” And I go, “What kind of things do you do?” “I’ve yelled, ‘Nice tits.'” “You yell ‘Nice tits’ at a woman?” He goes, “Her tits were nice.” “I understand the inspiration behind that, I’m just… You can’t do that to us. It’s… It’s… It’s scary.” He goes, “What’s scary about ‘Nice tits’?” I go, “Well…” He goes, “It’s a compliment.” I go, “I get it. Let me take this apart. I get on its face that ‘nice tits, ‘ dictionary, technically a compliment, yes. But we don’t know, if we don’t respond the way that you want us to respond, or if we don’t respond at all, ‘nice tits’ can be followed up with, ‘Fuck you, bitch, ‘ and then we get scared.” And my friend goes, “Oh, I got it. What if I just yell ‘nice tits’ but don’t yell ‘fuck you, bitch’ after?” I’m like, “No, but we don’t… We don’t know. We don’t know. ‘Nice tits… ‘” Compliments and murder both start with compliments. So, we don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know when someone says “nice tits” if it’s just, beep, beep, “Nice tits, bye,” and they drive off, or if it’s gonna be like, “Nice tits” stop the car and like, ‘”Nice tits. So nice. Gonna chop them up, put them in a blender. Then I’m gonna put them in a freezer and make tits pops. Tits, tits, tits.'” We don’t know. So, my friend goes, “What should I say?” I go, “Just say nothing. Say no words. Say no words.” He goes, “That’s my free speech. That’s free speech. You can’t do that.” I go, “It’s not… Whatever free speech means. But, okay, fine, free speech. I didn’t say you couldn’t say ‘nice tits, ‘ I said, please don’t yell it to us. So, maybe if you’re driving by a woman who has nice tits, you roll up your window and smash your face against the glass and just go, ‘Nice tits.’ You could do that. Or see a woman with nice tits and call a friend and go, ‘Nice tits, nice tits, I see nice tits. Okay. Nice tits.’ Or if you have the time, veer off the road, go into a field, get on your knees and let God know. ‘Nice tits!'” My friend and I could not come to any agreement on this. And so, I was like, “Maybe he’s right.” If we just yell, “No, no, no,” guys just hear their mothers: So, we can’t just say, “Don’t say this, don’t…” Maybe there’s a middle ground. Maybe there’s something you can say. I don’t know what it is. But I had an experience recently that gave me kind of an idea. So, I was in North Carolina and I was walking by myself. And I was on the side of the road and it was dusk. And a white guy in a truck… drove by. And then he stopped… and he pulled back… and he just stared at me out the window. And I was like, “Oh, fuck.” Because if you’re a woman or not white or gay and you’re walking alone in the South and a white guy in a truck pulls up, you know in 20 minutes there’s gonna be candles and flowers right where you were standing, right? That’s… Yeah. Guy rolls down his window and goes, “Excuse me, ma’am. You mind if I say something real creepy to you?” And like an idiot, I walk up to the truck. “Okay.” And then I get mad and I think of… I take a minute and think of all the women from real… Real severe street harassment, acid in the face to just little infractions like “nice tits,” and I’m like, “No. No, you cannot say something creepy.” I go, “No, you cannot and fuck you.” I start walking away proud of myself and realize, “I look crazy.” That’s what happens, is if you’re talking to a girl in a bar and it’s going well and after a minute she’s just like, “Fuck you!” “What did I do?” “Nothing.” But we’re taught to be polite and so, we’re holding it in. All we have to say is, “I don’t feel like talking.” But we talk and we’re like, “Eat shit!” And you’re very confused. And so… We have to get better at that. And so, anyway… he goes, “Ma’am, I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m sorry. I…” I just wanted to say I love your boots. That’s it, I love your boots. I was wearing big, black platform boots, he goes: “I’m a married man. I’m not trying to pick you up. I’ve never noticed fashion in my life. Well, I have one more question.” “Here comes a creepy question.” I go, “What?” He goes, “Are they comfortable?” “Yeah.” “That’s a win-win for you, ain’t it?” I’m like: And he said, “Thank you. Thank you for letting me give you that compliment. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t.” And then he drove off. I was like, “He couldn’t have lived with himself if he didn’t give me that compliment.” That is so dramatic. And again, it is hard for men in the world. We must be kind to them. And so… But part of me is evil and I was like: “God, it would’ve been great if I didn’t let him compliment me.” Somehow I got to see the rest of his life played out, that deep regret, you know. It’s just like some kind of play set in the South and he’s just at home every night and he’s like: “I’m not hungry tonight, Martha.” She’s like, “Henry, I made your favorite. Two nights and you haven’t eaten it. You’re all bones. “Are you cheating on me, Henry?” “No, Martha, it’s not about sex. Sometimes things are about… fashion. Son, if you ever get the chance to compliment a woman and don’t take it, you might not be able to live with yourself. Listen to your daddy.” He’s on his death bed, his father is like, “Son, any more wisdom before you go?” And he’s just like, “Black boots,” and then he dies. No one knows what he means. His wife never understood. “Black boots? I know what that means. His daddy was in the war. His daddy wore black boots. He wants to wear his daddy’s boots in his coffin.” And he doesn’t. She’s shoving the daddy’s boots on his corpse feet. And he’s up in heaven, like, “That’s not the black boots I meant. I like women’s shoes. That’s right, Jesus, I like women’s shoes. I can be myself up here.” So… that’s when I started to think. The compliment, if you must yell at us, yell about our outfit, not our bodies. We don’t wanna think about the fact we have a body every five minutes, and you make us think about it all the time, and we don’t want to. You know that feeling when you just have keys and your phone and you feel so free? We’d love to feel that way at the bank, but can’t take our tits and vagina and leave them on the table. So, we’ve got to take these things even at 8:30 in the morning. We’re like, “Oh, God, everyone’s looking.” And, you know… And if someone is like: “Nice ass,” but we don’t feel good, we’re like, “Is that sarcastic?” It’s a whole mind fuck, right? But if you just compliment clothes, we can all get along, right? If you wanna street harass us and you drive by and you’re like, “Sweetheart. Hey, honey… that little bow matches that detail in your shoes. That is not lost on me, baby. I love a good accessory. I hope you’re going to dinner tonight. Doesn’t have to be with a man, could be by yourself. You seem unafraid. I like that. You’re walking with your job and your freedom. And I’m not threatened by that at all. I don’t have to man-splain to you. I’m just letting you know that a plaid and a polka dot can sometimes match. You go, toots.” Thank you guys so much. You’ve been amazing. Thanks again. JKL. Jennifer. – Oh! – Sweetheart. – Hi. – Lovely to see you. – You looked so gorgeous up there. – Mom. Oh, thank you. – Jennifer, what’s all this food? – Oh, that’s part of my rider. – What’s a rider? – It’s like, you know, food they bring backstage. Part of your budget. – You like the show? – They take this out of your pay? This is wasteful. Jennifer, you’re not good with money. It’s not my money. Didn’t like the show or anything or…? Oh, my God. No. Mom, Dad, get out, we’re filming. We’re filming. Cut. – Jennifer, who is this? – Filming what? – This is my real family. – Still speeding. – We can still roll on this? – Why would you do this? Why would you hire people to play us? We’re here. Well, that’s you. It’s already done. She doesn’t look like me. I have blond hair. She has gray hair. And I’m not Oriental, Jen. Oh, my God, Dad, don’t… That’s racist. You’re… I’m Japanese. Oh, Jennifer’s best friend at school was Japanese and she taught Jennifer how to say the word “hello.” – “Konichiwa.” – Konichiwa. But it doesn’t matter. Konichiwa to you. Listen, these are actors hired to represent the character of Jen Kirkman, right? That make it better? What? There’s no character based on your sister, Gail? Okay, Gail, I would’ve put you in it, but you told me when I used to have that joke about how you got caught smoking pot, you said: “Don’t put me in your act anymore.” So, I do not say anything about you anymore out of respect. Jen, you just told that story again… on camera. That’s what she does, she talks about everybody. She called Dad a racist. – He said, “Oriental.” – Maybe we can take a break. Yeah. Where’s the pizza? Did you get any pizza? No, I didn’t get any pizza. I just did a show. And I’m sorry, there’s no part for you, and the reason is not because I didn’t think you’d be good, but you’d make a scene. It’s happening. You’re making a scene. I’m not all comfortable. I’m really not comfortable. – You’re not comfortable? How do we feel? – Jen, why do you ruin everything? – Yeah. Jeez, you know. – I know a great place, guys. – You do? – We should just leave. – Just forget about her. – Were you in the audience, – because I didn’t see you out there. – Yeah. Can we use any of that? Can we use any of that because my parents just ruined my Netflix special and it was kind of fucking awesome."
1686241791-125,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,SARAH MILLICAN: CHATTERBOX LIVE (2011) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/sarah-millican-chatterbox-live-2011-full-transcript/,"– Five minutes, Sarah. – I’m just gonna go and have a quick snack. (Announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican. (Cheering) (Cheering, whistles) Hello. Thank you very much. (Chuckling) Thank you very much. What a lovely warm welcome. – Thank you. How are you? Are you well? – (Audience) Yes. Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. Er, it’s much appreciated. I was gonna start off with a bit of advice. I’m not really very good at giving out advice. I’ll give an example of how. I was in a supermarket and I saw this young couple wandering around, and the girl said to her boyfriend, “Have we got everything?” And he said, “I think so.” And I looked in their basket and all they had was a bottle of rosé and a cucumber. And I just thought there’s no way they’ve got everything else they’re needing for a salad. And what I should have said is, “Lube, love. “That’s what you need. “Lube.” But I didn’t. She’s gotta learn the hard way. (Audience laughing) The bit of advice I’ve got is for the ladies in the room. I’ve discovered, as a woman, how you know whether or not you’re overweight. It’s during the throes of passion when your partner picks you up, whether or not they say “One, two, three” first. It’s my favourite joke. It’s getting less funny as the days go on. (Laughing) Thank you for coming to the show. The show is called Chatterbox, cos that’s kind of what I’ve always been. Talking was sort of the only thing I was criticised for at school. Er, I mean by the teachers. I was criticised by the other kids for loads of things. Something of a nerd. It’s really hard to believe, isn’t it? Oh. I think it’s quite cool that the thing I was criticised for is now my job. That’s quite cool, isn’t it? Fuck you, teachers. Just hope the same fate didn’t befall the school bike. I had no idea that there was a film called Chatterbox, so I got in and I googled it. Such a film does exist. It’s American. It was made in 1977. It’s not available on DVD, which gives you a fair indication of the quality of the thing. And the film Chatterbox is about a woman with a talking vagina. So that man who came up to me… must have thought it was gonna be a live stage version. He must have walked in and gone, “That microphone stand’s too high for a start.” But I have managed to get a hold of the film on video, proper old school, and I’ve only seen the first two minutes but I’ve already decided that it’s brilliant. In the first two minutes, a man and a woman have sex, they finish, she says something like, “That was lovely.” That doesn’t sound very American, does it? I can’t really do accents. I’ve made it sound more Geordie than it actually was, haven’t I? “That was champion, pet.” That’s what I say after sex. Unless it wasn’t champion. I’m no fucking liar. So she’s relatively positive about the experience and then her vagina goes, “It was all right.” How many times have you wanted to say that? “It’ll do. “I’ll do it properly on my own later on. Don’t worry.” The women are laughing and the blokes are doing this. “This is gonna be shit.” But, I, er… It’s nice to be out among so many people. I do spend a lot of time on my own. I live on my own. I do like living on my own, though. When I first decided to live on my own… My mam and dad don’t really understand why people would want to live on their own. My mam said, “People only live on their own if they’ve got no friends.” And then my dad made me look up the word “hermit” in a dictionary. But my dad did give me some good advice when I was looking for flats. He said, “I don’t think you should get one that’s got a balcony. “Cos what with living on your own, there will be a high suicide risk.” Wonder if I should have been bearing that in mind when I was viewing properties. You know, “Is that oven gas or electric? “Is that light fitting really strong? “Can it hold a decent weight? “Ten stone?” “Fuck off.” “Eleven stone.” And a half. And then another fucking half.
 But I do, I like living on my own. Does anybody else live on their own? Give us a wave if you live on your own. We’ve got a nice lady here. What’s your favourite thing about living on your own? – The telephone. – The telephone? I like that you did that. Just in case, you know. It’s just the North I live in. It’s not, you know… the Dark Ages. The telephone. What do you… Did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days when you lived with other people, you poor bugger? Did you live under the stairs? In what way the telephone? So I can speak to people. “So I can speak to people”, she said. No, I know what a telephone’s for, love. It’s gonna be one of those nights, isn’t it?
 Who else lives on their own? Give us another wave. Hello, flower. Nice lady at the back there. What do you like about living on your own, love? – Walking around naked. – Walking around naked. There’s a confident woman. It’s good cos I’ve got a friend who lives on her own. I said, “What’s your favourite thing about living on your own?” She said… “Whenever I do a massive fart, “I go, ‘Good girl’.” (Laughing) You can have that if you like.
 Lady at the back, er… – Is it a flat or a house that you’ve got? – Flat. And if somebody broke into your flat while you were in it, what would you hit them with? – Have you thought this through? – Not so much. No? Well, let’s have a think now. If you’re like… – (Audience laughing) – We’ve got to fix her. If you’re, like, in the living room, for example, is there something to hand that you could clobber somebody with? – Remote control. – A remote control, you see. Multipurpose. “I can watch whatever telly I like and I can fucking hit somebody.” I asked a lady recently and she didn’t know either. And I said, “What’s normally to hand?” And she went… “Empty bottles.” I said, “I don’t even think you’d notice if somebody broke in!” (Slightly slurred) “I don’t care who you are, shut the door on your way out, “cos I can feel a fucking draught.” My friend’s got a rounders bat down the side of her bed. Er… I mean for protection. Whoa. But she’s been told that that’s not allowed – it’s classed as an offensive weapon. She’s allowed to have a rounders bat down the side of her bed if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany. So now she’s got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same cos I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork. So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion. But I live in a flat as well, and the flat opposite mine has been empty the whole time that I’ve lived there, so I just never bothered getting any curtains. And I regularly wander around in just my knickers, cos I’m 35 and I don’t give a shit. And a friend came around for a cup of tea and she said, “Have you noticed some young lads have just moved into the flat opposite?” I said, “I hadn’t noticed.” She said, “Don’t you think it’s time you got some curtains?” As far as I’m concerned, if some young lads are looking at me wandering around in my knickers, I’m still the winner. Just wonder how long it’s going to be before they get fucking curtains. Look at me. (Laughs) Shoop! Please. But I think I’d quite like an animal at home. I think that would make the place feel a little bit more sort of cosy. Give us a cheer if you’ve got a pet at home. – (Cheering) – See, I’d quite like a cat. If I could have any animal, I’d probably have a cat. But I can’t have a cat cos my boyfriend’s allergic to cats, so I can’t have one. – (Man) Dump him. – Well, precisely, flower. We’ll split up and that’ll sort it out. Most people don’t have something to look forward to at the end of a relationship. “I can’t wait till he starts fucking other women. “I’m off to the pet shop. Fuck you!” But if I did get an animal, I’d have to be careful cos whenever I had animals as a child, I always loved them a little bit too much. There’s a name for people like me. It’s Hamster Squeezer. (Groaning) Look at his little face. When I was about seven, I had a little dog, and I loved it so much! Have you ever stroked a dog so hard you could see the whites of its eyes? When you stroke along its back, its little back legs buckle cos of the pressure.
 I do worry about my boyfriend. Cos I love him so much. Love him so much! (Shrill groaning) Look at his little face! – Is spunk supposed to be red? No. – (Audience groans) (Laughing) That’s a great reaction. The women are laughing and the blokes are going, “Don’t do that. That’s not fucking funny.” Now is probably quite a good time to tell you that I’m a lot ruder than I am on the telly. So brace yourselves. I tend to feel guilty as well. The thing I feel guilty about the most at the moment is the fact that I don’t give blood. Give us a cheer if you give blood on a regular basis. – (Scattered cheers) – A few. Could always be more. I think it’s the marketing that’s to blame cos I heard the advert on the radio, and the advert goes like this – “Would you like to save a life?” And I thought… “Not really bothered. “Do I know them?” But I’ve heard that you get a half-hour sit-down. Is that right? Yeah, and you get a cup of tea, is that right? – (Woman) Yeah, and a biscuit. – Oh. “Biscuit. “Did you know about the biscuits?” Who said biscuits? Where are you, love? Nice lady there. What kind of biscuits? What’s the best biscuit that they have at your place? – Bourbons. – (Man) Yeah! Bourbons, and somebody in the middle went, “Yeah!” Got a big Bourbon fan in tonight. So can anybody do… The Bourbon’s pretty good. Can anybody do better than a Bourbon at their blood place? – (Man) Club biscuits. – Who said that? Where are you, fella? Hello, fella. Do they have a variety of Club biscuits or just the one flavour? – I just go for the orange ones. – You just go for the orange ones. You’re not a hero at all, are you? You’re just going for the free orange Clubs. Excellent. Are we gonna get any better than an orange Club? I don’t know. – (Man shouts) – Who? What was that? – (Man) Party Rings. – Party Rings. Are you nine? (Laughing) Do they… Are they fanned out, like on a plate, all fancy? That’s what I’d want. Jelly and ice cream as well. That would… Party Rings. I haven’t had a Party Ring in years. Can anybody do better than Party Rings or orange Clubs? No, that’s it. They’ve got no… Sorry, I could… I could compete with the lady with the Bourbon, but I’m fucked against the orange Clubs.
 This is the sort of thing that we need to know. This should be in the advert. The advert shouldn’t be, “Would you like to save a life?” The advert should be… “Do you like sitting down?” “Bloody love sitting down.” “Do you like cups of tea?” “I love cups of tea.” “We’ve got Party Rings!” “Oh, if you’ve got Party Rings, “why don’t we see if you need some fucking bone marrow while we’re on.” (Scattered applause)
 I did a show in Manchester and a lady shouted, “At my place, if you pretend you don’t feel very well, “they give you a sandwich.” (Moaning) “Prawn mayonnaise.” (Chuckling) But I, er… In this job, I tend to travel, mostly around the UK. I’m from a place called South Shields. Have we got any North Easterners in? – (Scattered cheers) – Excellent. The loud women, hello. (Laughs) No, welcome. Thank you very much for coming. I mean, I’m from South Shields but I actually live in Manchester now, and I mostly work around the UK. Occasionally, I get to go abroad. I went to Australia last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival, which was great. It was great until it came time to come home. When because of the “fucking volcano”, got stranded for an extra week, and you find you don’t get any sympathy off your friends if you tell ’em you are stranded for an extra week. My friend said, “You were stranded. “For an extra week. “In Australia. “Well, boo-fucking-hoo.” I said, “But listen to the word that you’re using. It’s ‘stranded’. It’s not a good word.” You could be stranded on the end of Brad Pitt’s cock and you’d want to go home eventually! I mean, after a week or so, obviously. For snacks if nothing else. I think that explains why his girlfriends are always so skinny. Doesn’t provide enough snacks. But while I was in Australia, I got a call from the fraud department of my credit card company inquiring why I was spending so much on my credit card. She said, “Can I check a couple of transactions?” And I said, “Of course.” The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal, and I had withdrawn the money, so that was all above board. The second one, she said, “You spent a ã102 in a place called… “Holt’s.” And I went, “Oh… “Um, yeah, er, yeah, that’s right. Er, it’s a chocolate shop.” And she went, “ã102!” And I went, “Yeah, it was for presents. “For me.” Cos I was nowhere near Brad Pitt’s cock. I did get a nickname while I was out there. I’ve never had a nickname before. I’ve been called things but that’s different, isn’t it? I think that’s bullying. My nickname is The Cake Pigeon. Cos whenever I walk past a cake shop… (Chuckles) Walk past. Whenever I press myself up against a cake shop, I go… (Coos) And because I talk about cakes on stage, sometimes people bring cakes to shows for me, which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird. Some lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show, she handed me a small fruitcake and said, “This is for you.” And I said, “That’s lovely. Thank you. What a nice thing to do.” And she said, “I’m sorry it’s just that… “but it’s all we had in.” I said, “Have you been looking through your cupboards? “It’s not the fucking Harvest festival, pet. “You buy the ticket, you can just come to the show.” Which really pissed off the woman behind her who was standing with a tin of fucking peaches. But I have developed… People call it a muffin top if it hangs over your jeans. A muffin top. I don’t really like that name. So I’ve started calling mine my cake shelf. It’s nice, though, isn’t it? Cos it sounds like a good place to keep your cake. Somebody said to me, “Are you pregnant?” I said, “Only if I’ve been fucked by Mr Kipling. “And, yes, it was exceedingly good.” But I’m a bit of a… a bit of a worrier. I don’t worry about age any more. I’m 35. I’m past caring about age. I did worry when I was about to turn 30. I worried about turning 30. So I asked friends who were also approaching their 30th how it was going to affect them. One guy said, “It means I’m closer to retirement.” Which I thought was a positive way of looking at it. But my favourite answer came from a bloke who said, “I just need to make it to 34, and I’ve beaten Jesus at living.” But I was gonna say I worry about my weight but not enough to do anything about it yet. Although I bought a cross trainer, but apparently that’s not enough. Just to buy it. Although it’s in the spare room and whenever friends stay over, I have to move it into the hall and then back again, and I break a sweat and I think, “Ooh, it’s paying for itself.” I think the problem is just the fact that I eat whatever I like and I don’t give a shit. (Man cackling) Some people who are very similar to me in the audience. (Imitates man’s cackle) (Laughs) It’s probably the longest our mouth’s been open without some fucking food in it. (Imitates cackle) Huh! Exactly the same as me. It’s a fucking hobby. I was in a restaurant with my friend, and I said, “I like it in here cos they’ve got multicoloured food.” And she said, “I think you’ll find they’re called vegetables.” (Laughs) But I don’t worry any more about the fact that I can’t really see my fanny. – (Man groans) – Er… Just the thought of my fanny or all fannies make you feel quite sick, sir? Is it my fanny in particular or you’re just not a big fan of fannies? – (Inaudible) – You’re not a fan of fannies. I’ve got some cock stuff later on. You’ll fucking love that. I don’t need to see my fanny any more anyway cos I’ve got people for that now. Er, one person. “People” sounds bad, doesn’t it? Well, there’s two. It’s a job share. I can’t see my fanny cos of my belly, but I can’t see my belly cos of my tits. Hurray! As long as they stay, I’m all right. If they go, I’m fucked. Well, probably less so. I started buying women’s magazines. I bought one recently, cos on the front cover it said that some female celebrities had put weight on and they were now curvaceous. I thought, “Let’s have a look and see how curvaceous they are.” So I flicked through and the fattest woman in there, it said that she had “ballooned”. I repeat, she had “ballooned” to a size 12. Size 12. I’d give my right arm to be a size 12. My right arm might be a size 12! But in a moment of stupidity, I was letting it toy with me… be getting myself some thigh-high boots and sort of fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister, “Where would I get thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?” And she said, “Well, trannies must get them from somewhere.” I’ve discovered the most horrific way you know you’ve put weight on. I don’t think this is commonly known so I feel like I should spread the word. This happened to me in January, and it is genuinely upsetting. Where my boyfriend lives is a block of flats. Round the back of the block of flats is a car park. In order to get into the car park, you have to go through a barrier like an arm that lifts up… when it senses a car is near. I mean, I was carrying two big bags of shopping, but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206. But a friend of mine… Actually, I’m not going to call him that. It’s not appropriate. I’ll call him a male acquaintance. Let’s do that. A male acquaintance of mine with whom I have never had a dalliance… said to me, “You know what, if you lost a couple of stone…” I said, “The rest of this better be a fucking equation.” “If you lost a couple of stone, we could probably go out.” (Audience exclaims) I said, “Only if the couple of stone I lost was me fucking head.” (Cheering, whooping) I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year and he lifted me up, like in a romantic fashion. And put me down again, obviously. Um, in a different place. Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn’t it? (Laughing) Play the guess the weight of the lady stall at the fairground. “Too fucking much!” And when he put me back down, cos I’d been reading Jane Austen on holiday, I came over all sort of… (Giggling) Like I needed a fan. And I said, “Was I, er… Was I very heavy?” And he’s supposed to follow the lead and say something along the lines of “Why, you weighed no more than a dry leaf.” (Gasps) Well, he didn’t. He went “Manageable”. But I found recently that I’m not very good at relaxing. I get… I get quite wound up. I’m on the go all the time. I’m a bit of a workaholic, to be honest. And when I get in from work, wherever I’ve been, I’m rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed. I’m quite interested in how other people relax. Nice fella in the front. How do you relax when you get in from wherever you spend your days? Is there something that you do to help you wind down? Probably sit down, watch TV. You sit down. That’s a good start, isn’t it? Just sit down. “Oh, I’m relaxed.” And you watch telly. What time do you normally put the telly on? – About 6:00. – About 6:00. Anything from 6:00 onwards, quite good for a few hours, isn’t it? When I get in from work, it could be anything from midnight to 4:00 in the morning. So, unless I’ve remembered to record something, I’m stuck with… fucking Babestation. If you don’t know what Babestation is, it’s a soft porn channel where on the screen is a relatively uneducated lady… I’m guessing. And, er… And she’s on the phone and across the bottom of the screen is a telephone number that you can ring, presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons. Although I don’t think there are any rules that say you can’t ring her up and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on. I’d probably just give her careers advice cos I used to work for the job centre. “You’re very good on the phones. You could work for Orange. “They’re used to people ringing up and moaning.” So we’ve got telly watching from the fella at the front. Thank you. What about nice fella there in the nice blue shirt? – What would you do to relax? – Take the dog for a walk. Take the dog for a walk. So is it the exercise or the fresh air or a combination of the two? – Fresh air in London? Yeah… – Fresh air in London? Oh, yes, I forgot. Do you have to wear a little mask? Do you? No. Do you just go under a certain level and then you’re all right? What time do you go walking with the dog? Is it tea time? Four o’clock. – Tea time. – Three o’clock. Three o’clock. The specifics aren’t that important, love. We’ll come back to me in a minute, don’t worry. Three o’clock in the… So that’s afternoon? Cos I used to go… Like years ago, I used to go running. I know, fuck off, it’s hard to believe. Er… It didn’t last very long. But I used to go… I used to go running around the park but really early on. There’s a time, there’s a window that you can go. Cos it has to be before everybody gets up to go to work cos they’re the people that point and laugh. But after the dog walkers cos they’re always the ones that find the bodies, aren’t they? It is, isn’t it? It’s always that. It’s always… “Oh, found by a dog walker.” Thank fuck I went out after them. So I’ve got walking the dog. What else do we do to relax? Let’s have people shouting out. (Man) Self-gratification. OK, do you just tell yourself you’re brilliant or do you have a wank? Cos I did a show, er… I did a show in Birmingham, and I asked a man how he relaxed when he got in from work and he said one word. The beginning of the word sounded happy and midway through the word it just changed and sounded desperately sad. I said, “How do you relax when you get in from work?” And he went, “Masturbation”. I don’t find that very relaxing. Er… Am I sharing too much? I don’t find masturbation very relaxing cos I’m a bugger for multitasking. I’ve been known to put my tash cream on and go, “I’ve got five minutes, I’ll have a quick…” You make sure you don’t mix your hands up, though. (Audience exclaims) And, you know, you get it done on time, cos if you don’t you can smell burning flesh. Some people are genuinely appalled by that. And other people are going, “That’s a really good idea.” How do you relax? Shout out different ways. (Woman) Wine. It was a nonspecific amount as well. “Wine.” I don’t really drink much. Anybody like me who doesn’t really drink? – (Audience members) Yes. – Oh, they sound so sad. “We’ve gotta drive these fuckers home tonight.” Are we big drinkers? Cheer if you do like a drink. (Cheering) See, I’m not a very good drinker. I’ve had some quite bad experiences. I once went out with a friend of mine. She’s lovely, but her husband’s a bit iffy. And… Yeah, we went out for a few drinks. And the next day I was really ill. And I rang her and I said, “I’ve got no idea why I’m this ill.” We’d only had like two glasses of wine. And she said, “Oh, that’ll be Dave. He will have spiked your drink.” I said “Really?” She said, “Oh, yeah, he spiked mine once with speed. “But I didn’t mind so much cos I got loads of hoovering done.” So you got telly, we’ve got drink, and how else do we relax? (Woman) Knitting. Yeah, where the fuck are you? Where are you? Knitting. – (Woman) I’m from Boldon. – You’re from Boldon. Hello. This means nothing to them but hello. – (Scattered cheers) – (Laughs) Oh, OK. So you knit. Do you just knit like a long… I imagine it’s just always scarves. Or do you knit actual things that you can force onto people as “presents”? Socks. (Cheering and applause) And it does actually look like a sock. Well done, lady. That’s what I’m doing. Oh! Have you brought it in case you were a little bit bored during the show? “Cocks. She’s talking about cocks again.” So knitting is a good answer. My friend said to me, “Have a bath. It’s a good way of relaxing.” I thought, “That is quite a good idea.” I normally have showers. I think showers are more time-efficient. But I still buy all the things you put in the bath – the lotions and potions and the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff. My bathroom looks like I’ve ram-raided Lush. The only time I ever have a bath is when I’m in a hotel, I’m on the road, maybe, and I’m in a hotel room. I’ve got a bit of time to myself. But I don’t take my lotions and my potions, cos you don’t, do you? Instead I’m stuck with time, but like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste. With which I’m expected to wash a 12-stone woman. I mean me. I don’t provide a service. “Come on in, Brenda. Get on the scales. “You’re all right. Go get your clothes off.” So, my friend said, “Have a bath”, so I had a bath and it was all right. It was all right. But I thought, “I bet I can make this better.” So I had a cup of tea in the bath. (Gasps) There’s something really satisfying about being the same temperature on the inside as the outside. I was in the bath the other day. I had a cup of tea. Had a bath bomb in. We all know what a bath bomb is. It just fizzes around and makes the water all smell nice and feel nice. My boyfriend was walking past and I shouted him in and he said, “What’s the matter?” I said, “Doesn’t it smell nice?” He went, “It does smell nice.” I said, “Feel my arm”, and I lifted it out the water, “Feel that”, and he went, “Ooh… “slimy.” So I relaxed for another 20 minutes and then it was time to get out the bath. But I still had a bit of tea left. And I thought, “I’m not going anywhere till I finish my tea.” So I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out. And I ended up sitting in an empty bath. I felt a little bit beached. But it wasn’t altogether a horrible experience. Nobody was like spraying us with water trying to keep us alive. So I finished my tea and as I stood up to get out the bath, a tidal wave of water came from behind me. I was totally confused. I looked at the front and it was empty. I looked behind, still about that much. I had formed a seal around the bath with my arse. (Sighs) That wasn’t very relaxing. But I do sometimes struggle sleeping as well. Just occasionally, I have the odd bout of insomnia, and I thought maybe I’ll buy a CD, and get these CDs that have got soothing sounds and music on. I thought I’d get one of those, that might help us drift off to sleep. I noticed Paul McKenna has got a CD out, hasn’t he? I Can Make You Sleep. He’s a very confident man, Paul McKenna, isn’t he? It’s not “I’ll give it a bash.” I Can Make You Sleep. He’s also got I Can Make you Thin, which I had thought about getting cos it sounded like a challenge… for him. I Can Make You Thin. Can you? Can you, Paul? Bring it on, motherfucker. He’s also got I Can Make You Rich, and I thought, “I wonder if that’s his happiness box set – thin, rich, sleep, done.” When I first started going out with my boyfriend, I was living in a flat where the boiler was broken and it was freezing, and he sent a text saying, “If I was there, “I would make you warm, I’d make you come and I’d make you breakfast.” And I thought, “Now, that’s a fucking box set, isn’t it?” I’m not suggesting that that should be Paul McKenna’s next box set. I Can Make You Come. Can you? Can you, Paul? Oh! Fuck, he just did. He’s good. He’s good. I thought I was giving up smoking. (Giggles) I do a lot of driving in this job. I don’t find driving very relaxing. I get quite stressed behind the wheel and I bought something that I thought might help in certain situations. And what I bought was a Shewee. Now… – (Men groaning) – Some of you know what it is. If you don’t know what a Shewee is, it’s a little funnel ladies can use to have a wee standing up without having to remove any clothing. It’s quite practical, quite functional. Women use it for music festivals, or for going walking or hiking or that sort of thing. I bought it cos I got stuck in traffic. I wasn’t just like at the lights for ages going, “Come on. Come on. Fuck it. I’m just gonna piss myself.” No, I was driving on the M6 between Manchester and Birmingham and a lorry jack-knifed and there’s 150 cars stuck for two and a half hours. All the men got out of their cars, they all had a chat with each other and then they stood in a big, long line on the hard shoulder and had a wee and I was really jealous. So I got in, ordered a Shewee. It arrived. It’s pink, obviously. And I also bought an extension pipe. Cos I thought if that ever happens again and I get to wee alongside the men on the hard shoulder, wouldn’t it be great if I had the biggest cock? “Is that all you’ve got, love?” “Has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on?”
 But I’m quite practical like that. I’ve only been driving a few years, but when I first passed my test, my dad, who I get my practical side from, said to me, “Right, the following things you should always have in the boot of your car – “you need a blanket, “you need a flask, “you need a shovel.” And he’s right, cos whenever I’ve killed a man, I’m always parched. But I am quite practical, I’m quite logical, in some ways I’ve got quite a male brain, and in other ways, I’m quite girlie and quite feminine, quite emotional. To be honest, I think I’m a bit of a mishmash of the genders. I mean in a personality way. I don’t mean like, “I’ve got a bit of a knobble I can’t explain. “Does yours look like that?” My friend invited me round for tea. She said, “Come to mine, I’ll cook all your favourite food.” What a lovely thing to do, so of course I went. Couple of hours later, we’re sitting on the sofa putting the world to rights. And she blurted out, just out of nowhere, she blurted out, “I don’t think my lady parts look like other girls’ lady parts.” What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I realised the whole night had been a ploy. Favourite foods, my arse. “Come and look at my fanny.” I said, “I’m not looking at it. I’m not looking at it. “But if you draw it on a bit of paper, “I’ll have a look at that.” So she drew it on a bit of paper, and I drew mine as well, and we compared them. And they were very similar. She seemed much happier. She said mine was tidier. I don’t really know what that means. But I know I definitely don’t want to look at hers now that I know that it’s messy. But it could have been worse than drawing on paper. I could have just put some paint on and done a potato print. Sometimes wouldn’t even need the paint. Oh! (Audience exclaims) (Gags) (Chuckles) But what I’ve been doing with audiences is asking the ladies what’s best about being a woman, and the men what’s best about being a man. And then working out whether I’m more male or female depending on you guys tonight. It changes every night and it’s fun for you, but it’s ever so slightly terrifying for me. Let’s get cracking. I’m gonna write them down cos I’ve got an awful memory. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do we think… – (Woman) Always being right! – Fucking hell! “Always being right.” Where are you, love? – Oh, there you are. Always being right. – (Woman) Yeah. Wow. Are you in a relationship at the minute? – No. – Yes. You are? Is your partner with you tonight? – (Woman) Yeah. – Are you all right, love? Yeah? Always being right is a good answer. We need a couple more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? (Woman) Free dinners! Free dinners? – Where are you? – (Woman) Cos blokes pay for them. – Free dinners. – (Woman) Yeah. OK. – Who pays for the actual dinners? – (Woman) He does. – The fella? – (Woman) Yeah. OK. They’re not really free, though, are they, love? (Inaudible) Ah! (Chuckling) Hope that pizza’s worth it. Ah! Oh! Wow. And one more for the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Nothing. – Nothing? Did you just shout out “nothing”? Nobody’s ever said that before. Why don’t you like being… Are you, like, due a big operation soon, love? “I’m done, I’ve had enough. “I’m gonna get a cock.” Would you rather be a man? – Maybe. – Oh, you’re not really sure? So, you’re not… OK, I’m just gonna put “indecisive” down for you. Maybe that fella will buy you a dinner. – Then I would change my mind. – Then you would change your mind? Wow. Shallow as well. Let’s get some ladies shouting out. What do you think the best thing is about being a woman? (Woman) Tits. Hello, lady. “Tits!” How long have you had them? Quite a while. I got mine when I left school. I mean, that’s when they grew. I don’t mean like, “You’ve done quite well in your GCSEs. Have some tits.” “Tits” is a good answer. Thank you. And there was another lady shouted out. Are you upstairs or downstairs? The lady who shouted out something… Oh, yeah, yeah, hello, love. I just said that we’re better at everything. That’s all. – We’re better at everything. – (Woman) Yes. I love that. One woman went “Yeah!” and the rest of you went “Oh, fuck.” “It’s gonna kick off now.” Better at everything. Everything! OK. Er, do any of the fellas wanna shout out something that they think they may be better than that lady at? (Man 1) Everything. (Man 2) Pissing through letterboxes. Pissing through letterboxes. We’ve got Shewees. We can fucking do that now. (Cheering) Maybe you are right, lady. Well done! (Laughing) And we need one more from the ladies. Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Being psychic. – Being psychic. Oh, OK. Are you trained? No. Are you in a relationship at the moment? Yes. Is this… Oh. Oh, lovely… Hello, lovely lady. Tell me, is your lovely lady psychic? No, she’s not, is she? That’s cos it’s not real, is it? The reason she’s not is cos it’s not possible. Er… What do you think I’m thinking now about you? – (Indistinct) – That you’ve what? Got nice glasses. Er… Well, OK. Let’s go with that to make her feel better about herself. (Laughs) “That I’ve got nice glasses.” That’s brilliant. No, that you’re a loon is what I was thinking. Whatever. OK, let’s get some fellas. Nice fella here. You’re quite young. How old are you? – I’m 23. – (Man) Twenty-three. What do you think is the best thing about being a man, love? – Saturday football. – Saturday football. – Do you play football or is it watching? – Watching. Is it gonna kick off if you say who you support? Will it kick off? No, it should be all right. Should be all right. Are we ready? – Who do you support, love? – I’m an Arsenal fan. (Booing) I’ve had this answer before and I said to this fella… He said football and I said, “Will it kick off?” And he said, “I don’t know.” And it was exciting and the whole room was tense and it was in Liverpool, the sort of place where it might well divide opinion. And he went, “Hull!” And everybody in the room went, “Who?” Watching football is a good answer. Thank you very much. Let’s get more fellas. The fella who shouted out about pissing through letter boxes. – Is that your answer? – (Man) Yeah, that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing else? The best thing about being a man. “That’s it, done.” “Pissing through letter boxes.” I’ve got a Shewee now. I’m definitely gonna have a go at that. There was a… A bloke said the best thing about being a man was peeing standing up. I said to him, “Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had a wee?” And I was doing this, and he went, “In a water bottle on a stage once.” Oh, OK. Let’s put that back. I’m very thirsty. It’ll be champion. So, thank you very much, fella. Let’s get some more fellas, best thing about being a bloke? (Man) Not being a woman. Is that you up there, fella? What did… Somebody said… Was it you? “Not being a woman?” What do you think you’d hate about being a woman? (Woman, indistinct) Not being able to wee at the side of the road. Yes, you just take things that have been said before and pass them off as your own, love. What would you hate about being a woman? (Man) Not being right. – Not being right? – (Audience exclaiming) It’s gone from being quite a nice answer to, like, a rally, hasn’t it? Bless him. She’s… Yeah. She’s just doing that “I’m sorry” face. “I’m sorry. I have this all the time. He’s a dick, I cannot help it.” Well done, lady, for putting up with that shite. You’ve taken him off the street so we don’t have to go out with him, well done. (Indistinct) We had another fella shout out, but I didn’t quite hear it. (Man) Orgasms. That’s the best thing about being a man? One at a time. That’s like, “Do you want that whole packet of biscuits?” “I’m happy with one biscuit. “I’ll come back to you in about half an hour and I’ll try for another biscuit.” His wife’s going “Ah, ah. “It’s fine, I can feed myself, love.” I’ve never made a parallel between orgasms and biscuits, but I like it. Thank you very much. Let’s get some fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Not having a vagina. – “Not having a vagina.” (Men, scattered) Ooh. I think some of the men are disagreeing with you. Which is quite an odd turn of events. Not having a vagina. I feel… You’re so against vaginas, sir, I feel like, you know, somebody should rub one in your face before the end of the show. It’s not gonna be me. Fuck off. I’ve got knickers on that go up to my bra. It would take too long. When was the last time you saw one? Like, on the way out. Yeah. – Was it on the way out? Maybe… – (Indistinct) – About 14? – Yeah. That was when you were born? No. That was when you last looked at one. – OK. – I have seen them on TV… You’ve seen them on TV? As far as I’m aware, you have to sort of seek them out on telly, don’t you? I don’t think it just pops up in the middle of, like, Crimewatch. Maybe it does. You’ve seen them on TV? Is your reaction much like whenever I do a joke about vaginas and you do that, “Oh!” Is it the same then? Do the noise that you do whenever you see a cock. What was that he… There was no noise. He just… He got so excited. No noise came out. (Gasps) It was almost an intake of breath, wasn’t it? Rather than a noise like a… (Gasps) Like that? Like when I see a big cake and nobody around. Not having a vagina. Thank you very much. Let’s get two more fellas shouting out best thing about being a bloke. – (Man) Reverse parking. – Who said that? (Audience exclaiming) (Scattered applause and cheers) It’s, like, three men clapping. “Reverse parking.” Reverse… Let’s test him. Shall we test him? There’s a lady in the front. “Yes. Test him.” Reverse parking. How long you been driving, love? (Man) About 30 years. 30 years. It was easier then, though. It was like horses and carts and that. (Laughing) And can you… Let’s test him. Can you… Can you reverse, like, in first time? – (Man) Mostly, yes. – Mostly. Oh, at least he’s honest. Mostly. Er… And can you… Er, let’s have a think, what else? Can you reverse around a corner? – (Man) Yes. – Fuck! Have you got any points on your licence? (Man) No. (Woman) Yes! Ooh! (Audience exclaiming) Relationships stand for fuck all when it’s men against women, have you noticed? “Yes, he has.” – (Indistinct) – Officially my favourite answer now. What did you say, love? Three points for speeding while rushing to help an old lady. (Audience groans) While you were rushing to help the old lady, you could have killed her friend. That would have been funny. Well… In hindsight. Maybe it’s not at the time. Thank you very much for your answer. – Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) No periods. – “No periods.” – (Low groans) Oh! (Laughs) Well, the women all hate you. That’s a good answer. Let’s get some more fellas shouting out. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Having a beard. – Having a beard! Having a… Er, is that laziness or do you like the way it looks? – Feels. – Feels? You like the way it… Do you just sit at home and just… (Moaning) OK. I do this when I’m driving. People pick their nose when they’re at traffic lights, I do what I call feeling for beard. So I do that. Fuck, I’ve got one! I’ve got one! Fuck! Let’s get some more fellas. Best thing about being a bloke? – (Man) Grindr. – Grindr. – (Clap) – Ooh, there was one clap. You might have found a mate. Do you want to explain to those who don’t know what Grindr is? (Man) It’s all right. Is that an app where you can find a gay man, is that right? – (Man) Yes. – Excellent. OK. It’s good that there was one other clap, though, isn’t it? I feel like he might have found somebody tonight. But chances are you probably already knew where he was and had sussed him out and decided you didn’t fucking like him. We’ve got more for the blokes. We need another one from the ladies. – Best thing about being a woman? – (Woman) Multiple orgasms. Multiple orgasms. (Scattered applause) A small pocket of women are clapping and some of the men are going… “What? “Do you mean, like, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday? “January, February, March. “2009, 2010…” Multiple orgasms. Okey-doke. Now let’s work out whether I’m more male or more female. This is ever so slightly terrifying. “Always being right.” I don’t think that applies to me. “Free dinners.” Fuck, no, I’ve got self-respect. Er… Tits. I’m with you all the way, love. So I’m gonna tick tits. Sounds good. I like that. Tick tits. I don’t think we’re better at everything. “Not having a vagina.” Well, I do. So I can’t tick that one. And reverse parking. Sometimes I get it in first time and I’m genuinely surprised when that happens. Nobody more surprised than me. I just pull in and go, “Ooh, it worked!” So I can’t tick that one. And I can’t tick “No periods.” I clearly can’t. I don’t mean clearly. Oh, uh… I mean, I have periods, but it’s not… Is it? No. If I walk ahead will you check the back of my skirt? And yeah, “Multiple orgasms.” Tick. I can now piss through a letter box. Awesome. “Watching football.” I’m not interested in football so that doesn’t apply to me. And Grindr wouldn’t really help me an awful lot, I don’t think. Beard. I’m going to tick that as well. It’s like a part-time job keeping on top of mine. You’re laughing, but it’s my life. So, I am one, two parts woman and… Oh, no! Two parts man. I feel like I should show you at least a bollock. I’ll tell you my favourite answers. My favourite girl answer. She wasn’t even a woman, she was a girl. She was 16. And she said, “The best thing about being a woman, “we can look at boobs whenever we like.” It was a good answer. She said, “Well, men have to earn the right to look at your boobs.” I thought she seemed awfully young to know about such things. I said, “Give us an example of something a man would have to do “to earn the right to look at your boobs.” And she quite simply said, “They have to be nice.” – (Audience members) Aw. – And it was a lovely moment, but loads of the women in the room went, “Oh, my God! She’s right. “We’ve been showing our boobs to bad men for years.” My favourite male answer is a man said, “The best thing about being a man is dicking things.” I had to have this explained to me. I didn’t know what it was. Dicking things is the act of hitting things with your dick. Two days after I met him… (Giggles) ..I met a lovely lady, and she said, “Do you remember the man who said ‘dicking things’?” And I said “Yes”. She said, “Well, he’s my fiancé.” I said, “Did you know about the dicking things?” “No.” She said she had to go over all the surfaces with a Flash wipe. I’ve only been doing stand-up for about six years. And before that, my life was quite substantially different. I was married and I had a job that I hated so much, I used to try and get knocked over on the way in. I wasn’t suicidal. Just a couple of ribs or a leg. Well, like I say, my life is quite different now. I spent some time with my sister recently and she said, “You’ve changed.” Ooh! You know that voice that they put on. The big-sister voice, that even though at 35 and 41 still frightens the shit out of us. “You’ve changed.” I said, “How have I changed?” She said, “You never used to eat peas when you lived with us.” That’s the kind of crazy lifestyle she thinks I’ve got now. I always get free peas everywhere I go.
 Obviously, we stay in hotels. When you’re on the road, you stay in hotels and normally quite reasonable ones, but sometimes I get put in quite posh ones. People put me… I’ve never… I’ve never been in a hotel room before that had a bidet. Has anybody else… Give us a cheer if you’ve had a go on a bidet. – (Cheering) – Where the fuck have I been? – Has anybody got one at home? – (Woman) Yeah. Shut up! Who’s got one at home? The knitter. You’ve got two bidets? Are they, like, side by side, so you can, you know, at the same time? Well, we bought the house from some Italians. Oh, well, that explains it all if you bought the house from some Italians. Well known for their dirty bits. You’ve got an upstairs bidet and a downstairs bidet? That’s amazing. Maybe you can answer this question, then. Cos I’ve never been on a bidet before. I know, I’m 35. Shut up. I said, “I’ll have a go.” I had a bit of time. Uh… But there aren’t any instructions and I didn’t really know how it worked. Maybe you can answer this question. Am I supposed to face the wall? No. Is that not right? I didn’t know. Is that not right? No. I didn’t know, but like I say, I had a bit of time so I tried it both ways. One way it was all right. The other way it was bloody lovely. By the time I’d finished you could eat your dinner off it. Of course, I had to go back on then cos it’d be covered in gravy.     We don’t have bidets where I’m from. Just have damp flannels. But I’m never gonna get a bidet. I’ve got a flat with four rooms. I’m never going to get something that takes up so much space that I’d rarely use. Having said that, I have still got a cooker. I’m not very good in the kitchen. I know where it is, cos that’s where the biscuits are. I couldn’t remember the verb “to cook” the other day and I rang me boyfriend and said, “I’ve just ovened a pie.” But Jamie Oliver’s got these 30-minute meals now, hasn’t he? 30-minute meals, bless him. He still thinks we’ve got half an hour to do the tea. 30-minute meals, nothing to boast about. I can do a good spaghetti Bolognese in four minutes on high. In 30 minutes, I expect to have ovened it, eaten it, fucking shat it out by then. I tend not to see my friends of an evening, cos I work most nights. So I see my friends, we go out for lunch. I really like going out for lunch with my friends. Went out with one of my friends… She’s lovely, but she’s bit of a moaner. Went out for a nice meal, she complained about the food, so we had to send the food back, and I made some hilarious remark about how the chef’s now gonna go and wank in our soup. She came out with the best answer ever. She just went, “Oh, good. I haven’t had sex in ages.” Now, surely she doesn’t think that merely ingesting spunk… is the same as having actual sex. If only it was that straightforward when you can’t really be bothered. “Just bung it in a smoothie. I’ll have it later on.” Could be one of my five a day. I took my mam, dad and my sister out for a nice meal just before Christmas. And midway through the meal, my mam said, “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “What are we talking about now?” “When me and your dad go, we’re gonna go together.” I said, “Are you talking about a suicide pact?” And she went, “No. We’re not gonna call it that.” So, I sort of did the “What the fuck?” face at my sister. The… And she quite calmly just said, “As long as they leave me a letter explaining it, “cos I’m not gonna go to prison for them.” Just getting steadily worse. So I looked at my dad, cos my dad’s like the voice of reason in our family. And I said, “What do you think about this?” And he went, “First I’ve heard of it.” He did look genuinely gutted as well. Like he had massive plans for what he’s gonna do after my mam had died. When I was in Australia I missed my family terribly and I used to Skype them once a week. You know Skype where you can see each other through your computers? It makes home feel closer, I think, if you can see people’s faces as well as hear their voices. They’d sit around their computer – Mam, Dad, my sister – in a semi-circle, once a week. And at the end of every call, – they’d lean in and kiss the webcam. – (Audience) Aw. Which was lovely, but terrifying the first time it happened. Ahhh! I know my sister knows about computers. I know my dad used to work with computers, but I’m pretty sure my mam doesn’t really know how it works. I know that she definitely doesn’t know that I can still see her face even when I’m not talking to her. Cos I’d talk to my mam, then I’d move on to my sister, and I’d go, “How’s work?” And my mam would do this. I used to Skype my boyfriend as well and I Skyped him every day. And I work, you know, away from… There’ll be people in this room tonight who work away from home, and I don’t think it gets any easier the more you do it. I was in Australia for six weeks and midway through I just got quite flat and quite sad, and just really wanted to go home. And on one of those days, when I rang my boyfriend, when his face came up on the screen there was such a well of emotion in here, that the first thing I said to him wasn’t hello. The first thing I said was, “You’re too far away.” – (Audience) Aw! – So he moved the webcam. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically. He just got the laptop and went like that. “Is that better, love?” (Chuckles) Bless him. But whenever I spend time with my sister, we always go shopping. Cos my sister’s a really good influence on me. For example, if I buy make-up I always buy cheap make-up. Cos if I buy cheap make-up, I can buy more make-up. That’s how my mind works. My friend said to me the other day, “I like that glittery eyeliner you’ve got on. Where did you get that from?” I said, “It’s from ASDA.” She said, “Really?” I said, “Yeah”. I said, “It smarts a bit, but it was only four pound.” But my sister said, “Why don’t we just buy one thing that’s good quality, “a bit more expensive and will last?” I said, “That’s a good idea.” So I bought a blusher. And you know how make-up, all the colours have names these days. My blusher’s called “Orgasm”. I said, “Why does it have to be called Orgasm?” Why can’t it just be fucking peach? I mean, “Peach”. Would be more fun if make-up was swearier, though, wouldn’t it? “I like your nail varnish.” “Thanks very much, it’s called Shitting Red.” My sister was determined to embarrass me in front of our parents. And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” “No.” I said, “Look, we’re 35 and 41. “Are you really going to reduce us to children?” And she went, “Tell Dad what your blusher’s called.” I said, “Right, shut up. I’ll tell him.” So I said, “Dad…” You gotta limber up for this kind of conversation. I said, “Dad.” He went, “Uh-huh.” I went, “My blusher…” (Sighs) “My blusher’s called Orgasm.” And he thought he’d do a funny joke and he said, “When you put it on does it make your face do this?” And I went, “Whoa!” “Whatever you’re about to do, you must never do when I am there.” God! I do… I like going shopping, but I don’t find shopping very relaxing. What normally happens is I go in a shop that I like, I try on some clothes that I like. Most of them won’t fit, and I walk out shouting something along the lines of, “Oh, so I’m an 18 in here? Well, fuck off.” And then I have to go and buy a handbag to calm down. Cos you’re never too fat for a handbag. (Applause) Although these days they’ve got those ones that have just got the short straps and they just go right under your arm. I think it’s just a matter of time before I have to get buttered out of a handbag. And I know what I’m talking about as well, cos I was once cut out of a dress in Monsoon. That wasn’t my favourite day. The lady said, “I’ll just go and get the scissors. “Why are you crying?” “Cos I’m gonna have to wear this dress for the rest of my natural life “and I don’t even know if I fucking like it.” I’ve been buying myself new knickers recently. Whenever I buy knickers, I always buy daft knickers. So they’ve always got like cakes or cats or stars or hearts or slogans, that sort of thing. Generally from a supermarket, occasionally from Marks and Spencer’s if they’ve got an offer on. Three for a tenner, try and fucking stop us. One of the supermarkets has recently had a range of superhero knickers. And they’re awesome. And I’ve got enough pairs now that I can be invincible for five days in a row. I rang my sister cos I thought she’ll want to know about these. She said, “What sort of thing have they got on?” And I said, “I’ve got some with Wonder Woman on and some with She-Ra on.” And there was a little pause, and she went, “The footballer?” I love that she thinks I’ve got knickers with Alan Shearer’s face on.
 I love a slogan on a knicker. I love a slogan on a knicker. Erm… The best slogan I ever had, it said, “I’d do anything for love.” And on the back, “But I won’t do that.” I mean, it was written on in Biro, but still.
 I went into Marks and Spencer’s recently to try some clothes on. And the same thing happens that always happens when you try clothes on in there. The lady took the clothes off us that I wanted to try on, she hung them on the rail, she gave us the tag, she swished the curtain. All very normal so far. But as she swished the curtain, her parting shot. She said, “Just give us a shout if you need any bigger sizes.” (Audience) Whoa. So I swished it back just as quickly and went, “I think you’ll find you mean ‘different’, you bitch.” While I was in Marks, I went to the lingerie department. In the lingerie department they had a stretchy, lacy, all-in-one kind of body stocking type of thing. Presumably for sort of sexy time. I can’t imagine any actual practical use. Maybe straining vegetables. And on the bottom of the packaging, it said, “One size fits most.” That clearly used to say, “Fits all”. You gotta pity the poor woman who had to go in and go, “You need to change your packaging, pet. “It doesn’t fit all. “It’s still on one leg.” But I told you I don’t have children. – Give us a cheer if you have got kids. – (Cheering) – And if you haven’t. – (Louder cheering) More energy, I like it. I don’t have children, and it’s by choice. I just don’t really like them. I’ve never been very maternal. Apart from the tiny kittens. (Grunting) There’s a reason right there. Shouldn’t have fucking kids. “I’m sorry, it just popped.” I think if you ask any woman who doesn’t have kids what would worry them about having kids, the answer would be childbirth. It’s a reasonable thing to worry about cos what you’re basically doing is you’re forcing a person out. That’s what you’re doing, you’re… forcing a person out. I’ve never forced a person out. I’ve forced a couple in. With a shoehorn. No, it was just my thumb. One of the reasons I’m not very good with kids, I was never around them as a child. I was always the youngest. My mam had my sister, then she had me, then she had her tubes tied. When she went to the hospital the nurse said, “Are you sure?” She said, “Yeah, we only wanted two. We got two. “We’d like to go ahead with the procedure.” And the nurse said, “What if one of them dies?” And my mam was like, “It’s not like I just want any two.” “Well, we’ve got a set of bunk beds. It seems a shame to waste one.” I do have friends who are mothers. Mothers do a brilliant job, don’t get me wrong. But the kind of mothers that I don’t like, and we all know one of these, are the mothers who have four or five children, and who think that you don’t know how to do anything because you don’t have kids. It can be the simplest of tasks, you know the sort of thing, sort of, “Well, I mean, I know how to open a tin of beans, “cos I’ve got children. “Don’t know how’d you know how to open a tin of beans, “cos you don’t have children, do you? “No. Aw!” “But I could probably open a tin of beans with my fanny, but I bet you fucking couldn’t. “With the ring pull as well.” I say that so you don’t think I’ve got a big jaggedy fanny.
 I was in the shop and this little boy came running over, maybe about five-year-old, came over, put his hand in mine and shouted, “Mummy!” And I thought, “Ooh, I sometimes forget my keys, but I think I’d remember that.” Then his dad came over. I thought, “I wonder if this is like the best chat-up line ever.” And his dad’s gonna go, “No, no. That’s not your mummy. “Remember your mummy left us cos my willy’s too big.”
 I had to go to family planning just before Christmas. Oh, my God! I was the oldest by 20 years. I was mortified! And the lady said, “Do you want some free condoms while you’re here?” And I thought, “Out for nowt.” Just before Christmas, probably use them as stocking fillers or something. And she said, “Would you like flavoured ones?” And I thought, “You bugger, this is advanced compared to when I used to go.” And I said, “Look, love, I’m 35. “The only flavour I’d want a condom to taste of is cock.” Apparently they don’t do those. So I had to settle for the two most popular lines, which were Lambrini and Greggs pasties. (Applause) Told you there’d be some cock ones coming round for you, flower. Let me ask you guys a question. Shout out, anybody in the room who’s ever broken anything during sex. Takes a bit of settling in. Yeah. You broke something? – Where are you? – (Woman) Lamp. – A lamp or a lamb? – (Woman) A lamp. (Imitates lamb bleating) (Laughs) Where are you, love? There you are. Hello, love. It was a lamp. What kind of lamp? It had a, like, ceramic base to it. Ooh, a ceramic base. Oh. And did it just… Was it, like, movement and it just toppled off or… – Yeah, pretty much. – Pretty much. – Did anybody get hurt or was it all right? – No, it was all fine. It was all right. So, we’ve got a lamp/lamb from the lady over there. Lamp is a good answer. Thank you very much.
 What else have we got? – (Man) Bed. A bed. Where are you, love? Hello, flower. Up there. And you broke the bed. Was it fixable or did you have to buy a new one? – We got a new one. – You got a new one? OK. There’s lots of giggling going on there. Is it… Let’s have a look. Is it the partner that you’re with? Well, I mean, sorry, but if you sit in couples like that I’m gonna make assumptions about you, flower. Er, so it’s this lady here, the one that’s looking desperately like she wishes she wasn’t here. So, did you insist on the new bed? Was it a chance to get a new bed? It was at uni and the landlord said I had to buy a new bed. It was at uni and the landlord said you had to buy a new bed. Did he come in and inspect it? Did you lose your bond? It’s what happens, isn’t it, when you fuck a bed to death. Something’s gonna have to go. Was anybody hurt or was it all all right? It was fine. So, we’ve got a bed, thank you very much, couple, who love sitting next to each other so much. So, we’ve got a bed and we’ve got a lamp.
 What else have we got? – (Woman) Dessert table. A dinner table? Who said a dinner table? – Dessert table. – A bird table? Were you the bird on the table? – What did you say? Shout louder. – I said dessert table. A dessert table? All of my tables are dessert tables. I’m just guessing, but are you quite posh? “Er, this is for the bruschetta. “Then we move over here and we’ve got…” I don’t know, sausage and mash? Don’t know. Er… I can’t even think of a posh main course. Did you say coq au vin? Fucking surprise! He’s got it on the fucking brain! Do you really have a table just for desserts? – Yes? – (Woman) No. We worked in a restaurant. Oh, you worked in a restaurant. So you’re really not posh. No. And was it… Did it have… Why were you having sex at work? I like that there’s at least 60 per cent of the room going, “My sex life is rubbish.” So, was the restaurant still open? Were people, like, trying to get the jelly and ice cream from round you, and that? We were under the dessert table. Under the dessert table. Don’t I feel like a proper tit now. See, if it was me, I’d probably… I’d want to be in, like, writhing in amongst it. And then I’d just go, “You know what, fella, I don’t really need you.” (Scattered applause) Oh, crème brûlée! See, I thought of a posh pudding. Yes! Did you get caught? No. Well, now everybody knows cos it’s on a DVD, isn’t it? “I think I used to work in Nando’s with her.” (Laughs) Dessert table is a good answer. Thank you very much, love.
 What else have we got? (Woman) Rear-view mirror. – A what? – (Woman) A rear-view mirror. A rear-view mirror. OK, there’s lots of questions here. Erm… Hello, by the way. – Er… was the car moving? – No. No, OK, that’s safety first. Gotta get that out of the way. Was it knocked off with an arse, by any chance? – I think so, yeah. – You think so. Did you not notice till you were trying to drive away? “There’s something not right. No, it’s not the spunk in my hair, it’s… “That’s normal. It’s Tuesday. “Can’t seem to see behind me.” “You’ve still got it in the cleft of your arse, love.” Now, just… Did it shear off or just unclick? Because you can slot them back in, can’t you? Apparently. Shut up. – Did it? – It was quite an old car. It just came off. It was quite an old car. Oh, yeah, classy, aren’t you? Having sex in an old car. – Well done! Was it through the day? – No! No, no, obviously. Look, you’re like, “What do you think I am, some kind of monster?” Anybody else… You know how everybody talks about dogging and everything, and I don’t know anybody who does it. Maybe I do. But every time I see two cars together, I just go, “Dogging”. Just automatically. One of them sometimes is an RAC van. “Dogging.” No, they’re not. So, a rear-view mirror is a very good answer. Thank you, flower.
 Have we got anybody else? – (Man) Blood vessels. Blood vessels. (Audience groaning) We’ve gone all the way from lamp to blood vessels. Er… Where were the blood vessels? Laying there as you do, I thought he was dribbling on me. You thought he was dribbling on you. (Audience exclaiming) We need to know the rest otherwise I’ll not sleep. Just put your fingers in your ears if you’re already feeling a bit sick. We’ve all… Did you just say “You’ve all been there”? Then there was a bit too much dribble. Too much dribble. It’s a telltale sign, pet. Turned the lamp on and looked like a butcher’s slab. You turned the lamp on and he looked like a butcher’s slab. You looked like a butcher’s slab. He was champion. He was ready for the next go. – Passion killer. – So… Yes, it would be a passion killer. If it wasn’t a passion killer, there’s something wrong with you. So, you didn’t actually work out where the blood came from? – It was his nose. – Oh, it was his nose. It could have been a lot worse. Probably the most painful one I’ve had so far, – a man said he’d broken his banjo string. – (Man) Ohhh! It’s about cocks. You should like this one. Snapping them and that. No. If you don’t know what a banjo string is, you should just google it when you get in. I’m not gonna tell you, I’m not your mam. Ew! Shouldn’t be your mam that ever tells you that. “Now, things you need to know. What can snap on a cock?” I love that noise when you say “banjo string”, and a lot of people in the room know what it is, and other people are going, “Why was he playing a banjo? “I don’t get it. Doesn’t sound very sexy to me. “It’s not a sexy instrument.” Thank you very much for that, flower. God, I hope everybody is all right now. Jesus Christ. There was a man, actually… I did a show and a man shouted out that he’d broken his foot during sex. And I said, “Did you carry on or did you stop?” And he said, “Carried on.” And I recognised his accent. He was a Geordie. And I thought he probably didn’t even put his fucking pie down. It’s a very personal question and I am grateful to those of you who did join in, thank you very much. What sometimes happens is people go, “I won’t tell her in front of all those people, but I’ll send her an email when I get in.” And I’m like, “Ooh, I’ve got an email. Oh! Oh!” Although I have got a man who, er… a man who sorts my website out. So, he actually filters my emails. Mainly because I’m not very technical, but also… Because for a while I was getting loads of pictures of men’s cocks just sent to me. And now he can print them off so I can put them on the wall. Just as a border. It’s not too much. “Would you like to sleep in the cock room this evening?” But probably my… Probably the best one that I’ve ever had by email, – a lady said she’d broken a man’s pelvis. – (Scattered groans) Yeah, it was a one-night stand, she was on top. He was screaming. She thought he was having a marvellous time. But my favourite one in a show, a lady said she’d broken a man’s spirit. (Scattered applause) Think we’ve all done that from time to time. I broke my vibrator once. That counts, right? And normally when I break things, I give them to my dad to fix. I cannot do that. So I just whacked it off the bedside cabinet and got it going again! It’s not really a joke, that one. It’s just a tip for the ladies. I told you I live on my own. My boyfriend also lives on his own. Some people think that’s quite odd that we’ve been together a few years and we don’t live together. We feel like we’ve got the best of both worlds, because we have a few days a week together and a few days a week apart. And it’s sort of ideal. There was a time that he moved in with me for three months because he was between flats and it made sense. And I was fine with it because there was an end date. I’m a bit stuck in my ways. “I love you, but bye!” And while he was at mine for those three months I worked away for a week, and when I came back some things had changed in my flat. And I said, “Er, love, erm… “er… one of the towels smells of bums. “You got any idea what that might be?” Without even thinking, he just went, “That will be my bum towel.” So when he did eventually move out, as a housewarming present I brought him a small, brown hand towel. It’s good because it’s brown. He doesn’t have to wash it. He can just crack it and use it again.
 But his mam came round to his flat… His mam’s lovely. She came round to his flat and she said, “Got you a new duvet set.” He said, “I don’t need a new duvet set.” She said, “You have one you just wash and put back on. This way you’ll have a change.” He said, “That’s lovely, thank you very much.” So, she put it on and it was lovely. It was all patterned, sort of matching. It was really nice. It was a little bit flowery for him, just a little bit flowery for him. And he went to have a look and he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. He came back out and he went, “She’s made my bed gay.” I said, “No, love, just cos it hasn’t got spunk and dinner on it doesn’t make it gay.” “Clean, that’s the word you’re looking for. It’s clean.” And his mam had overheard and she came in and she said, “It’s not a gay bed. If it was a gay bed, there’d be shackles.” What DVDs has she been fucking watching? (Sighs)
 But he is a lovely man. He’s lovely. We were in bed the other day and he got quite animated. And, er… And he shouted out “Feel how hard that is!” And I thought, “You bugger, it’s Tuesday, we didn’t have this booked in.” Turns out he was talking about the skin on his feet. I thought about taking him to one of those places that are popping up all over, where it’s got a tank with a fish in and you put your feet in, and the fish nibble at the hard skin. I thought about taking him to one. I cannot do that. The poor little fish. They’ll think he’s got fucking shoes on. I’m just gonna take him to a blacksmith instead.
 But he’s the nicest person I’ve ever met. He’s a genuinely good man. And in January this year, I said to him, “I think it’s about time we started talking about the future.” And that’s what I expected from him, like an awkward silence. Maybe some footsteps as he walked the fuck out of my life. But he didn’t. He just smiled. Just really like a beaming grin. And I was really touched and I thought, “Oh, my God! He wants to spend his future with me. “Yay!” And I said, “Are you sure you’re all right talking about the future?” And he went, “What? Like flying cars and that?”
 But I’ve never cheated on a boyfriend and I never would. But I think I’ve found the acceptable face of adultery. I was sitting on a train, on the aisle seat, and a blind man got on. And he was using the tops of the chairs as sort of leverage to get along the carriage. And at one point the train wobbled and he lost his balance. And he put one hand firmly on my boob. And I let him. I even crossed over for when he came back from the loo! But we’ve started sort of spicing things up in the bedroom. There’s different ways you can do this, as I’m sure you know. The first way is you can have a shower. Nice couple here at the front. Have you ever had a shower together? Oh! He thinks he might and she doesn’t. Because the first thing I said to my fella, I said, “You know what?” He was going in the shower and I said, “Maybe you’d like some company?” And he said, “Just give us five minutes till I’ve washed my arse.” But whenever we have a shower, it always starts off really well, and then halfway through I realise, “This is just cleaning now, isn’t it? “There’s nothing sexy going on any more.” It’s when he says the words “Arms up.” But he is very thorough.
 Other things you can do… You can get dressed up. Got a nice couple in the middle. Fella, have you ever dressed up, like in an outfit? No, you haven’t. How old are you guys? I’m 38. Thirty-eight. See I asked a couple much older than you guys, so late sixties, early seventies. And you can always tell when a couple have been together too long. They had that sort of empty, sad, hollow expression. And the way you can tell is when you ask them how long they’ve been together, and before they do a number, they always do a little horse impression. So, you go, “How long have you two been together?” And they go… (Exhales) “30 years, 40 years. Fuck knows.” So I asked the old man, “Have you ever dressed up in an outfit or a uniform for sex?” And he went “No.” I looked at his good lady and I said, “Is there anything you’d like him to wear in bed?” And she went “A shroud.” But I also asked a young lad, much younger than you, sort of 16 or 17… I shouldn’t have been talking to a 16-year-old boy about sex. But I just thought it would give us something to rub my button to later on. (Audience groans) Does everybody… People know what that is, don’t they? People have different names for it. My friend said, “What’s rubbing your button?” And I had to do a little action. And she said, “Ah, you mean checking your lettuce.” Don’t know what that is. But this young lad, 16-year-old, of course he’d never dressed up for sex. Just having sex is excellent. But I asked him if he got dressed up, what would he dress up as? And he went, “Fireman. Fireman… “Ooh, ooh, Spider-Man! Spider-Man!” “We’re not talking about sex any more, it’s just pyjamas.” I was gonna say that I’ve dressed up, but I haven’t really. It’s slightly different. I was once on top and he tried to put a sock on one of my boobs. It’s not the same thing, is it? No girl ever wants to hear that her boobs are lovely and long. And it stayed on as well. And I wasn’t sure whether to be pleased or not.
 Other things you can do. You can use food. Let’s get… What about… Fella on the end, what kind of food you think you could use in sex? – Ice cream. – Ice cream is a good answer. What about nice fella in the nice shirt, what kind of food you think? – Chocolate. – Chocolate! Did somebody shout cucumber? Ice cream and chocolate. And what about nice fella here? What kind of food you think to use in sex? (Man) Absolutely no idea. Absolutely no idea. Oh, look at his wife’s face. To be honest, she looks quite happy, like they haven’t even needed that. “We haven’t got to that stage that you’re at with your boyfriend of five years.” Fuck off! I like asking fellas, cos fellas come out with a variety of interesting answers. No offence to the ladies, but ladies always say chocolate. Chocolate sauce… Fucking hell! Put a Twix up there, whatever. As long as I can have a chocolate bag afterwards. I asked a man recently what kind of food he had used in sex. And he said noodles. I’ve had a bloke say chips and a bloke say curry. I think men are picking things they’re probably gonna have for their tea anyway. Just using their partners as plates. But I asked an old man, an old man in his eighties. I said, “What food do you think would be good to use?” He said ice cream. And ice cream’s a good sort of classic answer. But it wasn’t so much the answer he gave as the noise he made while he was thinking. Because he went like this… What was he thinking while he did that noise? “What goes well with vagina? “Ice cream!” My favourite answer was a guy who just said cream. But he went like that… Like squirty. I thought, “Well, obviously, you’re not just gonna spoon it at her, “hope she catches it in all the right places.” Then he went like this, he went, “Pack her full.” Oh! I’m so glad that you’re as horrified as I was! “Pack her full.” To be fair, he was a plasterer. “Just smooth that over. Not getting any more bother from that crack.”
 But the last thing you can do is dirty talk. We thought we’d give it a go. We’ve never done it to previous partners. We thought we’d give it a go. And I said, “Well, I’ll start off.” Because I’m, you know, an independent woman. I didn’t do that. That’d be a really weird way of starting off, wouldn’t it? “I’m ready.” I didn’t know what you’re supposed to say and I just sort of went, “Ooh, er…” (Sighs) “Erm… “I’ve been a bad girl! “I’m sorry about that.” And he just went, “Apology accepted.” But recently, I’ve had a bit more practice and he went, “You’ve been such a bad girl…” (Giggles) “..that I think I’m going to have to punch you.” (Scattered applause) He’s gone too far there. Hasn’t he? But I misheard him. He hadn’t said punched, he said punish. Which is apparently entirely acceptable in terms of sexy lingo. But he hadn’t thought it through, cos I said, “What kind of punishment did you have in mind?” He said, “Do the dishes!” But we’re clearly not married. Give us a cheer if you are married. (Cheering) And if you’re not… (Louder cheering) More energy again. Have we got any divorcées in? – (Cheering) – Yeah! Fucking… The happiest of all. “Been there, done that. Fucked it off.” Now, I’m divorced. And when I got divorced, it came as quite a surprise to me. Erm… Surprise is probably the wrong word, isn’t it? Shock’s probably a better word. Surprise just sounds like you burst out of a big cake. It would’ve been better had he done that, cos at least there would have been fucking cake. For a while after getting divorced, I found I wasn’t invited to quite as many weddings. I think people thought I was going to walk in like the bitter divorcée and go, “Uh-huh. “You enjoy your fucking day. See how long this bastard lasts.” I’ve recently been invited to more weddings. I went to one a few months ago and instead of having a wedding cake, they had a spiral cake stand that had cupcakes all the way around and a massive cupcake on the top that I sort of had my eye on. But I suspected maybe one of the wedding party had claimed that as well. The groom came over to me and said, “Thanks for the recommendation.” Cos I had recommended the cupcake shop. That’s a scary day, when you’ve just recommended a cupcake shop and you don’t even live in that fucking town. He said, “Thanks for the recommendation. I know you want the cake. “The band’s gonna come on in a minute, do two sections. “In their break, that’s when we’re gonna do cake stuff.” So pretty much every time the band looked like they’d come to the end of a song, I just stood up. When I was eventually right, I went over to the cake stand, I picked a cake, my boyfriend did the same. My friend, my friend’s wife. Four of us picked our cakes, went back to our seats, smug as fuck that we’d missed the queue. “Mmm, mmm, mmm.” Glanced across expecting to see a long line of people. The only people that were there were the bride and groom having their photos taken at the cake stand. The groom came over later on, I said, “I’m really sorry, but I think we might’ve jumped the gun on the cakes.” And he said, “Don’t worry, when I put the photos up on Facebook, “I’m gonna tag every gap with your fucking name.” Me and my fella try and be romantic to each other whenever we feel like it. Sometimes we celebrate Valentine’s Day, sometimes we don’t. We didn’t this year, we did last year. Last year, a few days before Valentine’s Day, he said to me, “I could do with some suggestions, sort of on the present front.” I said, “That’s fine.” Because I know some women like a surprise, but I’m happy to know what it is, cos I’m really busy and I don’t have time to take the bugger back. So I said to him, “There’s a shop called Accessorize that I love. “You could pretty much get anything in there and you’d be on safe ground.” I described the kind of thing that I like, it’s relatively inexpensive costume jewellery. This sort of thing, sort of beads and little flowery earrings. Sort of quite plasticky, quite girlie. You know, quite cheap. Nothing that looks like actual jewellery. And he said, “Fine. Logged.” I do love him, but that’s what he’s like. “Logged.” And off he went. And I want to show you what he bought us. Bearing in mind, the last thing I said was, “Nothing that looks like actual jewellery.” First thing he bought us was nine pairs of identical diamanté earrings. Just in case I was thinking, “That’s not enough diamanté earrings “for a girl who has got her ears pierced just the once”, another three pairs of almost identical diamanté earrings. The ladies might well have noticed, especially near the front, that they’re not from Accessorize, they’re from Claire’s Accessories. So I said to him, “They’re lovely, thank you. “But you didn’t… So you didn’t make it to Accessorize, then?” He said, “I went to the girl shop.” I said, “Yes, it’s a 12-year-old-girl shop.” I reminded him that that’s where we got presents for his nieces, who are 11 and 12. And he went, “Yeah, cos they’re girls.” His logic was brilliant. I thought he must have walked in Claire’s Accessories and gone, “She wants anything from in here.” I’m lucky that he didn’t come home with a tiara with fucking kittens on it. He said, “There’s something else in the bag.” “Oh, great!” He said, “I got you a couple of bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” He said, “They’re bangles.” I said, “They’re earrings.” They’re like, “I’m off to McDonald’s and I want to fit in.” I said, “They’ve got a hinge, so that you can get them in your ears.” He said, “That’s so that you can get them on your wrists.” He thought of everything apart from anything I told him. I said, “I hope that when you got to the till you didn’t say they were for your girlfriend. “Cos if you did, you might well be on some kind of fucking register now.” What I’ve decided to do to help me relax is just to find things that make me happy. Because I think generally whatever makes you happy makes you relaxed. And I thought at 35 I knew everything that I liked. But in the last 12 months, I found two new things that I didn’t know I liked. The first one was courtesy of a nice lady on Facebook who said, “I understand that you like chocolate, but I don’t know if you know this fact, “that if you have a square of Dairy Milk “and a square of Galaxy at the same time, “it’s so good “that it makes you do sex noises.” I mean like good ones, I don’t mean like, “Ow! Ow! Get it out, get it out!” I can tell some of you are now working out your route home via a newsagent’s. Ah! This show should be sponsored cos I’m telling you to go and buy chocolate. The show is not sponsored, but if a future show is called Dairy Millican… then maybe things have changed.
 The other thing I didn’t know I liked. I told you I don’t have kids. A friend of mine had a baby in August last year. I thought I’d buy a present for the bairn, because that’s what you do. I went into Marks, went into the baby section. Had a wander round. Realised that while I don’t like children, I really love tiny clothes. Picked up a couple of baby clothes for the actual child and then saw the smallest jeans I’ve ever seen. So I bought them. And I didn’t give them to my friend. I brought them with us to show you. (Audience exclaiming) They do look a little bit like aspirational jeans, don’t they? “Someday, I’m gonna get in those fuckers.” I don’t know what to do with them. They’ve been in a bag since August last year. Can’t put them in cupboard because I don’t have a cupboard for children’s clothes. I can’t bin them. Imagine finding a black bag with just those in. I might have to kill a child to avoid looking weird. Well, I started thinking of different ways to justify keeping them like… what if a baby visitor got caught in the rain? That has slightly sinister qualities as well, though, doesn’t it? “Well, let’s get you out of those wet things.” So I googled “people who like tiny clothes” thinking there must be more than me. There’s probably a website, maybe a support group where me and my tiny jeans could fit in. Nothing. The only name that kept coming up over and over again was Cheryl Cole. Because she fucking wears them. So, if Cheryl Cole ever comes round to my house and shits herself… And if when she shits herself, she accidentally gets a little bit on her shoes… These are only like a month old.
 A different friend of mine had a baby a month ago. I said to my boyfriend, “I’m gonna get a present for the bairn.” And he knows me so well that he said, “While you’re there, why don’t you treat yourself?” Yes! So, I picked up a little cardy and a little pair of jeans for the actual child, and then I saw those and I thought, “I’m fucking having them.” I’m aware that it’s weird. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine. But I didn’t want it to look weird to the lady on the till, so I made sure they’re all the same age group. And all sort of matched colour-wise and I put them on the counter. She said, “These are lovely.” I said, “They’re for my friend. She just had a baby.” She said, “If that’s the case, would you like some gift receipts?” And I said, “Just for the cardy and the jeans cos I’m going to keep the plimsolls for me. “Oh, shit!” My friend said, “Are you gonna get a denim jacket to go with them?” I said, “I’m not trying to build a tiny Bryan Adams.” I’m so grateful for you all to come tonight. Thank you very much for coming. I’m going to leave you on a story. Me and my fella don’t really get nights off together very often. So when we do, we try to make the most of it. And went out… We call them a date night. Went out on a date night recently. Had a curry, lovely curry. Got in, put a DVD on. Everything going really well. Halfway through the film, started getting a little bit amorous, little bit frisky, which I suppose is one of the points of the date night. Seemingly, we’d forgotten that two hours before that, we’d had a curry. – Nevertheless, he went downstairs. – (Man) Ugh. Don’t mean for a glass of water. I already told you I live in a flat. Fucking work it out. The only reason he’d go downstairs is to do the bins. And that should never be a euphemism for that. “Do you fancy, er… “Do you fancy doing the bins later on?” It doesn’t work, does it? No. So he went… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. Do you know why I do it like that, in that little stupid voice? (Indistinctly) “Downstairs.” That’s not how I ask him for it, by the way. (Indistinctly) “Downstairs, will you go downstairs later on?” (Indistinctly) “Will you do the bins?” So, he was… (Indistinctly) ..downstairs. And there’s no nice way of saying this to you lovely people, but I could feel a fart brewing. (Audience groans) Nobody knows what to do, do they? There’s no plan of action for this. So what I did, and I don’t really know why I did this, certainly don’t know why I’m telling you lot. Similar to in the film Rain Man, I started going, “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh. “Uh-oh.” And he carried on, cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyoncé. (Scattered applause) We’ve clearly not got the hang of the whole seduction thing. I think that’s fairly evident from what I’ve told you so far, isn’t it? I walked in on him the other day and he was lying on the bed just in his pants. You know how men think that’s attractive. And he had one bollock hanging out. And I thought, “I’m gonna have to pull him on it.” No! Er… Question him on it, not pull him on it. (Imitates horn honking) If only they made that noise! If they made that noise, I’d never leave the little buggers alone. (Imitating horn honking) I said, “Do you know that you’ve got a bollock hanging out?” He said, “Yes, I do. I put it out especially for you.” You lot have been such a joy. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. I’ve been Sarah Millican. Thank you very much, good night! (Cheering, whooping) (Whistles) (Whooping) Hello. (Laughs) Thank you very much. I’ll tell you a little thing and then I’ll let you go home. I’ve started doing this thing. Maybe some of you do this. I’ve started listening to people’s conversations on the bus and train. And I was listening recently to two old ladies. They were talking about what they would do if they were men for a day. I thought, “This is gonna be good, “because these old ladies have got this wealth of experience. “These answers are gonna be quite insightful.” I was out for lunch with my friends and I asked them the same question. I said to my first friend, “What would you do if you were a man for a day?” Without even thinking, she just went, “I’d have a wank!” “It sounds like you need to. You sound a bit tense, pet.” Second friend, “What would you do?” She said, “I’d do everything.” And I thought she meant like in a sexual way, like she’d fuck everything. I said, “Is that what you mean, you’d do everything?” And she went, “No, no, just all the little jobs around the house.”
 But these old ladies, different generation to me and my friends. In their eighties they were, and one of them just said, “Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?” The other one said, “Knowing my luck, I’d get a Tuesday. “And what can you do on a Tuesday?” And my third friend, and I will leave you with this, my third friend took ages to answer. I said, “Come on, give us an answer.” And she said, “OK. “The first thing I would do is go and find my ex-boyfriend, “and thwack my hard penis across his face! “And see how he likes it first thing in the morning!” You’ve been lovely. Thank you very much! Good night! (Audience whooping)"
1686241458-40,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,AMY SCHUMER: THE LEATHER SPECIAL (2017) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-leather-special-2017-full-transcript/,"[announcer] Ladies and gentleman, and all you other motherfuckers, get up off your ass for the baddest bitch: Amy Schumer! -[music playing] -[cheers and applause]
 Yeah! What the fuck is up, Denver?! [cheers and applause] Thank you so much for coming out. Oh, my God. This is such a big deal for me. I don’t know if you guys know this, but this past year, I’ve gotten very rich, famous and humble. [audience laughing] Thank you. Thank you. And maybe you caught this. I don’t know who saw this. I tweeted out a photo of myself wearing just underwear. Nothing but underwear. [cheering] Thank you, just the women. What the fuck? No! It’s too late, sir. This could have been crumpled on your floor in the morning, but no. I like the idea of this being crumpled on someone’s floor. Having to put this back on in the morning. Just, like… [grunting] And you’re like, “Call me.” And then– Imagine doing a walk of shame in this shit. You’re like, “Hi. Taxi.” They’re like, “Hmm. That’s an actual trash bag. It looks like a Glad bag.”
 I feel like every comedian needs a leather special. Right? Every comic has some special where they wear all leather, and they regret it later. It’s my fucking moment! Leather Special! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Already regret it. Already regret it. Very overheated. Very overheated. So, I tweet out this photo of myself. I’m holding coffee. I’m topless in just underwear, and it goes viral. It was everywhere, every news show, every website, and that’s when I learned the word you don’t want people to use when a nude photo of you goes viral. “Brave.” Um… Can you imagine? You take your clothes off in front of someone for the first time, and they’re just like, “Damn! You look mad brave right now. Whoo-ee! Shorty looks empowered!” Like, no! As if I’m standing there, like, “I am brave!” No, just fuck me.
 I am blacking out tonight. I am blacking out tonight. Anybody? [cheers and applause] Who loves you? [speaks in childish gibberish] If you’re a real winner, then you’ll– Has anyone ever blacked out and been awake when they’ve come out of it? -[woman] Yes! -Thank you! Thank you, sister! It’s cool ’cause it’s like you’re a time traveler. You’re just, like, back in your body, like… “What are people wearing now?” And you just kind of keep moving. I, one time, in college– thank you– I came out of a blackout, and there was a stranger going down on me. So, I was like, “Okay.” I decided to tap him gently. So as not to startle him, you know? “Sir!” So– ‘Cause I’m laying there, and I’m like, “What do I know about this guy at this point, right? I know that he has brown hair. And I know that he is a hero.” He’s brave, okay? He’s brave, and I’m gonna tell you why he’s brave, and this does not leave this theater. And this does not leave your home. Here’s why he’s brave. On my pussy’s best day… It’s not every day. It’s almost no day. But, you know, you wake up, you’re having a good puss day. And maybe you know you’re gonna have a visitor, so in the shower, you get very real in there, you know. You pull things back you don’t usually. You kind of Minority Report your own pussy. [grunting] You get in. It’s like Stranger Things. You just kind of get in. “Gotta find Barb, guys. She’s in there.” If you have access to a detachable showerhead, guess what? I just want you guys to think that that’s how big my pussy is. Just like… hmm. It’s really like… hmm? After all of that… on its already best day… [groans] my pussy smells… like a small barnyard animal, okay? Small. Small. I didn’t, like– not like a big, fucked-up llama, like, chewing and spitting and reeking. No! Little. Like a goat. You just– You buy the food pellets, you know, and you feed it, and it’s like… And you’re like, “Aah! he ate it.” You don’t go like, “Eww!” You go, “I want to get to a sink. Kind of soon. Kind of soon would be good.” [chuckles] ‘Cause it does smell. That’s on its best day. On its worst day… after a blackout… ISIS. It’s fucked up, guys. It’s bad. And you know what? That’s fine. That is the nature of a pussy. Right? We’re so worried and ashamed. Our moms never sat us down and said, “Okay, honey, one day, you’re sometimes gonna have homeless pussy. Lights out.” Like, no. They don’t tell you. And that’s just the fucking nature of it. And it’s like, we’re so embarrassed. I know some girls who won’t let anybody go down on them. They’re just like, “No, I don’t know what’s going on down there.” I’m like, “What?” Like, I will forward your mail. Go. Head on down. Head on down to Puss Town. And– And if that’s not your thing, fine, you know? If I ever started dating a guy, and he was like, “You know what, it’s not my thing,” I’d be like, “That’s fine.” And then I would invite him to go hiking at Red Rocks, and I would push him off a fucking mountain. Just… [imitates thud] [imitates thuds] Right? And then they come up, and they go to kiss you, and you go… “Oh! No. Mm-mm. [groaning] Mm-mm. I don’t want to.” Yeah, right. Me, I’m like… [groans] I love that shit, that’s sexy. That’s hot. I’m like, “Mmm. Soup.” I… Don’t even. I see some of the girls, just a couple, you guys are close. They’re like, “No…” [muttering] Yes. I wish we were raised more like men. Right? Just, like, here’s an example of how we’re different. We’re so worried about our pussies, right? Have you ever had a guy come in your mouth and go… [inhales] “Does it taste okay? [whimpering] I haven’t been drinking a lot of water, and I was a little worried.” [nervous muttering] No! That would never happen. Because, men, you weren’t raised to hate yourselves. You were raised, and your parents, they’re just like, “Everything you do is a miracle.” And you’re like, “Yeah, everything I do is a miracle!” And don’t get me wrong, you guys. We love your come. Only complaint: We want more of it. More, more, more. We want to do snow angels in it. Yay! Yay! Mmm. Is there anything bad about come? I can’t think of anything. Oh, wait, I just thought of something. If you got even a drop of it in your mouth, the rest of the day, you’re going… [grunting and exhaling] “I’m fine. [retching] I’m fine. I’m fine. [retches] Keep the meeting going.” [grunts] [gargling] That is awful.
 Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself… on the big screens, doing shows. First of all, I’m like, “Who’s that dude?” Like, I seriously– I have good self-esteem, I do. But I’ll catch a glimpse of myself on the screen sometimes, and I’m like, “I shouldn’t be here. I should be on a mound, going, like…” You know? [deep voice] “Good job, ladies. One more, ladies.” Let me be real, because I was doing an interview. It was me and Bill Hader, and the interviewer was asking him hard-hitting questions like, “What are your favorite German beers?” And then he was asking me softballs like, “What’s it like to fuck you?” And Bill was upset. He was like, “You don’t have to answer that, Amy.” And I was like, “He’s gonna find out anyway, Bill! Shut up, Bill.” But I told him, and I will tell you guys exactly what it’s like to fuck me. Have you ever seen somebody standing on a box, painted all silver, in a town square? And you don’t know if they’re alive or not. But every once in a while, just, “Boop!” You’re like, “Oh, it’s a person!” That’s what it’s like to fuck me. That’s it. Like a street performer mime in a town square. Except no one’s ever given me a dollar. I don’t do shit. I lay there. I either lay on my back, like that, or if I want to blow his fucking mind, sometimes I lie on my stomach, just like this. Comes right away. Men deserve more credit. They do, when it comes to sex. We don’t have to do anything. You guys, men, you have to work so hard to fuck us. You have to get hard, you have to stay hard, and you have to go like this. [grunting] I feel like it would be funny to do that longer, but it hurts. I can’t believe you guys do that. That sucks for you. My boyfriend usually comes in me. He usually comes in me, but sometimes you want to mix it up. You gotta have fun. We’ll be having sex, and then he’ll ask my favorite question: “Where should I come?” First of all, I’m like, “Thank you for thinking of me. [chuckles] Like… How did I even come up in your thoughts?” And… “Where should I come?” As a comic, I want to fuck around and be like, “In this jar!” I’m just, like… “Where should I come?” [belches] What do you think? What do you think? There’s three answers, right? If you’re lying on your back, what are the three places? -[man] Tits! -[second man] Face. -[woman] Butt! -Yes. She goes, “Your butt.” What? I’m laying here. I just went over. I’m not on the fucking Broncos or whatever. I’m not in practice… [grunting] “Your butt.” You’re so cute. No! He goes, “Your head.” What are you talking about? Just… [imitates splat] “I’m the prettiest girl in Colorado.” “Your head.” -No. -[woman] Tits! Yes. Your tits. Great answer. Your tits. And you have to say it like your psyched about it. “Where should I come?” You have to go, “My titties!” And– And he goes, “Are you sure?” And you go… “Uh-huh! Mm-hmm. I love it. I love it.” I hate not having come on my tits. I just– Walking around all day, I’m at the bank, “Zero come on my tits. Ohh.” My titties. I also love the question because of the confidence of it, right? “Where should I come?” I don’t know about you guys. I’ve never dated anyone with American Sniper type accuracy. Where I could be like, “Right here. Hit the moving target.” I’m like, “Okay, Katniss… Um…” Now, most of the time– tell me if this is true for you guys– he’s like, “All right, are you ready? Are those titties ready?” And you’re like, “Mm-hmm.” He’s like, “Here it comes.” [imitates dribbling sound] Right on the hand. Just a dribble, just– A second ago, you were the most powerful man alive. Now you’re just the last boy at a carnival with a melting ice cream cone. And, God, we don’t care. I’ve never been, like… [whining voice] “Well, you said you’d come on my titties.” We don’t. No girl cares. But then there’s that move where in a moment of desperation, the guy will be like… And they try to finger paint. You’re like, “No, no, no! It didn’t happen for you. We’re closed.” Sometimes it happens. For three seconds, that means you go… “Yay!” And then you just kind of look at each other, like… And if you’re with a really sweet guy, he’ll go, “Babe, do you want me to go get you a…” [snoring] You’re like, “No, I got it. You catch some much deserved shut-eye.” And then that’s when we make the shelf. Right, girls? That’s what you do. You don’t want it to just fucking– You don’t want to– So you block it and you walk it. Mm-hmm. It’s the saddest shelf in the world. And I’ve been to the Anne Frank House. I’m a German Jew. There used to be more of us. So… what happened? Oh, my God. It’s weird to have a boyfriend. I’ve been on the road for so long. I really like having a boyfriend. I really love this guy. I met him on a dating app. Yeah. We met– When I signed up, they were like, “Congratulations. You have a free lifetime membership.” And I was like, “Well, that’s discouraging.” Like, “What the fuck?” When I met him, he was the first– He’s the only guy I met on there. I liked him right away. I really liked him. I was like, “I’m gonna make this guy wait.” And I did. Like, all through dinner. No, we didn’t go to dinner. I– I don’t know. I don’t have an adult manning the ship. There’s no one like, “Mnh-mnh-mnh. Not till date seven.” I’m just– If I want cake, I’m like, “We’re having cake today.” If I’m wet, I’m like, “Well, let’s get a dick in there.” Just… [humming] But I am a germophobe, and that’s why I told him, before we did anything sexually, “Look, just so you know, I know for a fact that I don’t have any diseases left. They all burned out.” I was like, “What about you?” And he was like, “I’ve never been tested.” And I was like, “Oh, mysterious. Is David Blaine in the house?” We went to Paris. I’d never been to France because I’m trash. And… we went, and we were excited. We’ve been together under a year, so… we’ve been trying to keep it pretty sexy, but we both got violent food poisoning. Like, violent. So, yeah. And we’re not the couple that’s like, “I’m gonna go take a deuce, babe.” You know, like… We’re trying to keep it, like– Under a year. We’re still lying. So– So, our last night, after all week, we’re like, “Eiffel Tower–” just the biggest dickheads– we both get violent food poisoning, and our hotel was one of the rooms where we had one bathroom, and it was the kind where, like, the bed was right there, then you’re in the bathroom, and if you went… [soft grunt] you would loudly hear it. So, it hits him first. And he’s in there, just… [retching] And then, the way it manifested itself in me… is– How do I say this and not be gross? I was in the bathroom just, like… [imitating machine gun] Machine-gun shitting out of my ass. Just… [imitating machine gun] Violent diarrhea. He… It’s over. I’m yelling at him. [imitating machine gun] I’m like, “It was so cool dating you. Good luck. You’re gonna meet the greatest girl. She’s out there for you.” [imitating machine gun] He’s fucking puking. He’s putting his head where I was. [imitating machine gun] And this is puke. And it’s– And then I thought I was just gonna be the one, the shit one, and he was the puke one, but I’m in there, and I’m– And then he hears me go, “Fuck!” And I grab the trash can, and I start… [retching] All my holes. Shit’s coming out all my holes. Then I realize there’s holes in the bottom of the trash can I’m puking in. All over my knees. So, I walk out of the bathroom, and I’m like… I’m like, “Are you gonna propose on this trip?” He’s like, “No, I am not.” Oh, God. If you know me, you know I’m on the NuvaRing for birth control. That’s my thing. It’s easy, I don’t have to remember to take a pill. Not that I ever have trouble doing that. But the NuvaRing, if you don’t know, is this little latex thing you put in the back of your puss. And then you take it out every three weeks and just bleed all over the furniture. Am I using it right? So… I don’t know why they won’t sponsor me. So, we’re, like– You can leave it in during sex. But I wanted to take it out, just, like, the thought of it. So, you got to get in there, it’s in the back. So, he’s right over me. I’m like, “Hold on a sec.” And so, I stick my finger, and I try to scoop it with my middle finger. And I shoot it up there, and that’s when I accidentally went knuckle-deep with my ring finger into my own asshole. I shrieked. I went… [screams] And he went, “What?” And I went, “I put my finger in my butt.” And he was like, “Can anybody do that?” I was like, “No! I’m not opening up a conversation about this.” The mystery is over. We made it through that. I don’t know why I’m on birth control anymore. You guys know that there’s now a male birth control pill. Do you know this? They’re still testing it, but I want him to go on it immediately. I just can’t imagine that era, though, of guys, like– Imagine you go home with a guy and you’re gonna have sex with him, and you get a condom out of your purse, and he just goes… “Oh. No. It’s cool. I’m on the pill.” “What? You’re on what?” His phone alarm goes off. He’s like, “Excuse me.” Pop. No. [sighs] God. Yeah, I’m all good. I’m so happy to be in this relationship. The only problem is I’m not the girl who’s like, “Yeah, like, ever since we’ve been together, I’ve just kind of chilled with drinking.” If anything, it’s skyrocketed. Like– Yeah, I still black out on the reg. I know it’s not cool. It sucks because, for years, I’ve been blacking out, and I’ll just be by myself, and I fart in a pillow, but now there’s a witness. I got a witness. It sucks. So, I blacked out the other night. You know how I do. Just a little wine, edibles. I’m like, “This is missing something. Xanax.” Very dangerous. Do not recommend. Okay? But I have a very sophisticated palate. So… I black out. And I just wake up in the morning. I don’t even look at him, but I can feel that he hates me. You know that feeling? It’s like, “What’s that in the air?” [inhales] It’s rage and it’s all directed at me, so… I was like, “I’m gonna play stupid.” I just roll over, and I’m just… “Mmm! Morning! [giggling] So, should we list all the things that we’re grateful for? I’m grateful for you.” [giggles] And he just stares at me. He’s just… “Well… okay.” I’m like, “Okay, what did I get into last night? Did I just, like, say my prayers and go to sleep?” [giggles] Ding! He’s like, “No.” Okay. “Did I give you a surprise blowjob?” I like the idea of, like, “Blowjob?” A girl who doesn’t know how to do the blowjob symbol. What? And he’s like, “Ame, any blowjob would be a huge surprise at this point.” And I don’t want you guys to think I’m not giving. I love going down on him. I think you’ve got to go down. Go down. I love it. I love him, I love doing it. But there are guys who you go down for 90 seconds, and they’re, like… [splat] And you’re like, “Still got it.” And then… There are guys like my boyfriend, where if I want to blow him to completion, it takes between ten and 12 years. And in my twenties, I’d roll up my sleeves, crack my– [imitates bones cracking] You know, I have a– All right. [singing practice notes] Red leather, yellow leather. I don’t even know that girl anymore. She is gone. That girl gone. I go down for a while, though. I went down on him very recently, and he yawned. [yawns] I’m like, “If there’s a God, he’ll put a dick right in your mouth now.” Gong! If I’m down there long enough that you’re yawning, guess what? ♪ I’m coming up ♪ [humming] Fuck you. I’m so fun to date. So, I’m like, “Okay, what did I do when I blacked out?” He goes, “Okay. What you did was you started pounding Ritz Crackers.” I’m like, “I’m sure I wasn’t pounding them.” He’s like, “You looked like a contestant on a reality show.” Okay. Then he said I started on the other sleeve. And this is an exact quote. He said that I was “using butter as if it were guacamole.” Just, “Mmm.” Just slack-jawed, dead-eyed butter-eating. Then he said that I tried to make two frozen pizzas at once, because I wanted to eat them like a hamburger. And he said that he was like, “Ame, what are you doing?” And I accused him of judging me. I was like, “You’re judging me!” Chasing him around the apartment. And then he said I got in bed, and I stacked all of the pillows, four pillows on my side, and I put my head right on top. And he went, “Amy, we each get two pillows.” And I went, “Not tonight, motherfucker!” [snoring] ♪ Isn’t she lovely ♪ Hey, thank you. Oh, God. Soon, it’ll be just us. Oh, my God. I really love his whole family. No bullshit. They’re from the Midwest. Yeah. The happiest people. The happiest people. I mean, in L.A., I feel like they pretend. Everyone’s like, “I’m doing great,” and you’re like, “Stay away from cliffs.” But in the Midwest, they’re just so psyched. And his mom is the happiest person I’ve ever met. Her name is Deb, and Deb is just the happiest person. She gets everything wrong. She’ll be like, “We took a U-ber here.” I’m like, “What?” She’s like, “I like that boy. What’s his name? Seeth Rogen?” I’m like, “That’s absolutely no one’s name.” Everywhere she walks, it looks like she was called out as a contestant on The Price Is Right. She’s just, “Whoo!” I lucked out, though. I promise you I love her. I’m not complaining. I feel like I really lucked out because a lot of the guys I’ve dated, their moms have had a vibe with them where they’re like, “Ohh. I wanted to fuck my son. [groaning] No, it’s fine. You kids have fun. I just always thought we’d wind up together. I don’t know.” And as the girl, you have to act like it’s not happening. Like, a stutter. You have to be, like… So, I know what you guys are thinking this part of the night. You’re like, “Amy, well, you’re really well-read.” Um… And I am. Look. “Wine.” And I don’t think I’m any better now. You guys, I hope you know. Like, I know I am trash from Long Island. I have a lower-back tattoo that is raised and crooked, and it doesn’t mean anything, and I have been fingered by a cab driver. At my request. Constantly reminded, anything good or fancy that happens, I get brought down to Earth right quick. Anything. Like, our TV show won a Peabody Award, which I didn’t even know what that was. Very high, very fancy. It’s for people in media making a difference. It’s a big deal. And the other people there were people like the Ebola fighters, and Malala, and our show, and… so, we go, and we’re like, “Okay. Thank you for including us.” And at the beginning of the awards, they showed a little clip of each person’s project. And you don’t know what they’re gonna choose. And so, first, they show a clip of the Ebola fighters in the suits, this documentary where they go in and they’re saving lives, the bravest people in the word. And then Malala. Like, Malala-ing, you know? And then… they show a clip of our show. We’re like, “What are they gonna choose? We’ve done so much for so many.” The clip they chose was me taking a giant bite out of a burger, going, “I’m gonna go make some room,” and walking to the toilet. It was Malala being fitted for a glass eye. And then me like, “I’m gonna take a violent dump. You guys good?” The July that Trainwreck came out, two girls named Mayci Breaux and Jillian Johnson were shot and killed at the movie theater when they went to see my movie. And the feeling of putting something out and being excited, and then finding out that these two beautiful, amazing, smart women who just wanted to have a good time, went and got murdered was crushing and… Yeah, and I just wanted to do something about it. I knew nothing about gun violence, and I found out that the guy who shot them was severely mentally ill and a domestic abuser. And I was like, “Well, okay. Why could he get a gun?” I wasn’t educated. But I found out that if you are severely mentally ill or have been convicted of domestic violence, there are loopholes where it’s not that hard to get a firearm. And I was like, “Well, I really want to help make it more difficult for people who are severely mentally ill or domestic abusers–” [cheers and applause] Thank you. I believe in the right to bear arms. Second Amendment, yes. I’ve been friends with gun owners. But what I learned was, no matter what you say, as soon as you say the word “gun,” what gun nuts hear is just, “You want to take all our guns! That shifty G wants our guns!” I’m like, “No, you seem great. You should get more guns.” Let’s get this guy more guns, right? “Our Amendment!” You’re like, “Okay, okay.” “The government wants my house!” I’m like, “You don’t have a house. You live in a trailer with no windows. What are you talking about?” And then I found out– and you guys probably already know this– that if you’re on the terrorist watch list– like, not just the no-fly list, but the straight-up terrorist watch list– you can easily get a gun. And so, that same guy is like, “Get out of our country, foreigner! But while you’re here, please, enjoy our firearms legally.” If you’re blind– If you’re blind as a fucking bat, you can walk into a gun store, hopefully. There’s more gun stores than Starbucks and McDonald’s combined in our country, so your chances are good. You walk in, and you go, “I want a gun!” And they go, “We’re over here.” Then you go, “Oh, okay.” “I’ll take it.” And they go, “That’s the phone.” You go, “Oh. Well…” Like, all about equal rights for the disabled, but if Stevie Wonder calls me and he’s like, “You want to go shooting today?” I’m gonna be like, “Hard pass.” The thing you look through to aim is called a “sight!” But you don’t need that. They get a gun. So I’m like, “Okay. I would love it– Can we just work on not giving guns to mentally ill terrorists who are blind and beat their wives?” “What?! What’s next? You want us to fuck animals?” I’m like, “I’ve been fucking animals my whole life, sir.” And you know what? I totally hear you guys. You’re like, “Schumer, you were talking about come all over your tits. Now we have to listen to this shit?” But what’s crazy is that you can catch a hot load all over your titties and still not want your loved ones to get shot in a theater. [cheers and applause] You know what? I don’t know if you guys noticed, but I am what Hollywood calls “very fat.” No, you guys know. You know me. I feel very good in my own skin. I feel strong. I feel healthy. [cheers and applause] I do. I feel sexy. Also, like, my dad has MS and is in a wheelchair. And it’s, like, I’m just so psyched I can fucking move. I’m just like, “Fuck you.” How are you gonna complain? [mutters] How do I get rid–” Shut the fuck up! You’re alive. You can move and we feel good. And, you know, I bought into it, because when I was doing my first movie, Trainwreck, before I did anything, somebody explained to me, they were like, “Just so you know, Amy, no pressure. But if you weigh over 140 pounds, it will hurt people’s eyes.” And I was like… [groans] I just bought it. I was like, “Okay, I’m new to town.” And so, I lost weight, and I think you should feel healthy and take care of yourself. But I don’t believe in, like, crash dieting or starving yourself. Like, get the fuck out of here. No. Let’s just, you know– It’s just not right. Yeah, so, thank God I look very stupid skinny. My dumb head stays the same size. But then my body shrivels, and I just look like a Thanksgiving parade float of Tonya Harding. I’m just like, “Hi!” Nobody likes it. It’s not cute on me. So, I, like, gained all this weight back. I just revenge-ate as soon as the movie was over. I was just, “I couldn’t have pizza. I couldn’t have–” Like, everything. And I got worried, because it gets in your head, just everything on television and movies and magazines and the Internet. All the women are just beautiful, like, little skeletons with tits, and you’re just, like– All day I’m looking at the Hadid sisters and, like, those Jenner things, and you’re just, like… And I got worried. I gained weight. I’m like, “Oh, my God. Are men gonna still be attracted to me?” And that’s when I remembered– I always forget this– it’s another reason I love men so much. Men, each day, have a thought that goes through their head where they’re, like… “I don’t know why, but I want to put my penis right in your butthole.” A couple times a day, someone walks by. “Huh.” You know, just… They’re like, “Look, it doesn’t make sense to me, either, but I know for a fact I want to take the most sensitive, intimate part of myself and just, like, ram it right where you poop. Just, like, ram it!” [grunting] They’re thinking that, and I’m over here like, “Oh, should I get highlights?” Like… He doesn’t care! He doesn’t care. “Honey, do you like my new nail color? It’s ballet slipper.” “I would fuck you if your head was a ballet slipper. I don’t care.” We work so hard, and they don’t fucking care. Isn’t that a relaxing thought? Like, not anal. But, like, men will fuck us, you know? If they fuck us, they will come. It’s a beautiful, easy sweatshirt that’s available on my– No, I’m just kidding. I am the shittiest famous person, okay? I’m a shitty famous person. Yes, I know. I always– I can’t believe it’s still going on. I say what I mean. I dress like garbage. Like, my sister and I… And I tried really hard. I’m like, “Okay, like, let’s do our best and tape it up and spackle it down and…” [groans] But after I leave here, I will look like a newly homeless person very quickly. Very quickly, trust me. My sister dresses the same, but they’ll still write about us as if we’re the Kardashians. They’ll be like, “The Schumer sisters stepped out today. Amy opted for performance fleece… and a pleather jacket from Forever 21.” And my favorite thing they ever wrote was, “And Kim chose to wear a bright red-and-gold beanie to add to her ensemble.” It was a Gryffindor hat. Like, look at this. It’s a fucking Gryffindor hat. The most disappointing people ever to be photographed. Look at this. It looks like we were moving, and we ran out of bags, so we’re like, “Let’s just wear it all. We’ll just wear it all. Never a bra. Never a problem.” Look at my sister’s shoe game. Can you check this out? Ballet flats from Payless. H&M zebra pants. What’s up? What’s up now, Internet? They photographed me once, and this was the headline: “Schumer buys pastry so she can work out.” Kind of mean, right? No, they hit the nail right on the fucking head. That’s what I do to work out. That’s what I do. Before I work out, I go buy a scone, and then I slowly walk around a reservoir, and I eat it. My workouts are like a woman in hospice. Just, like, nibbling on a baked good, looking at the trees and the birds. “Mmm.” I’m so disappointing to them as a famous person that they’ll try to make it sound sexier than it is. They’re like, “Schumer flaunting her legs in teeny-tiny shorts.” And you guys have eyes. You understand that that is not available to me. Like, there’s no separation between church and state up here, okay? This area does not– There’s no– It’s not happening. I didn’t even know what a thigh gap was. I was like, “Is that like the wage gap? Do we need to rally against this?” Since I’m ten years old, I can’t wear tiny shorts. If I take one step, all the material shoots up my pussy. I have to pull it out like a magician. A fucking dove. Just, like, “Fly!” I have to lather deodorant in my crotch, so I don’t chafe to the point of bleeding out. Right here is when my thighs stop touching for the first time. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. Together. Apart. The fucking teeny-tiny shorts. Fuck you! Fuck you. I got photographed paddleboarding, standup paddleboarding, which– Can we all just agree to stop pretending like that’s fun? What do we– Just what? “Would you like the sensation of being in a canoe, without the comfort of a seat or the safety of sides?” “No.” “Have you often wondered what it’s like to work on a gondola?” “I can’t say that I have. No.” The picture of me, I didn’t even recognize myself because, obviously, I don’t suck in anyway. It was just, like– I looked at it, and I was like, “Oh, my God, Alfred Hitchcock is alive… and loves water sports! Fuck, yeah,” you know? I was so psyched. Honestly, the only thing that gets me through the night, the only thing, is that I believe in my heart that Bradley Cooper wants to fuck me. Now, no one else believes me, especially not him. But I believe it. I believe it in my heart. Now, maybe you’re like, “Bradley Cooper doesn’t really do it for me.” Hmm. Shut the fuck up. Yes, he does. He’s the kind of hot where when you see him, you don’t even mean to, but your body just, like, pivots around. And you just, like, grab your toes. You’re just like, “Okay.” By the way, that’s as far down as I can go. That’s it. Look, we got a little more. But I’m kind of tilted. He’s the kind of hot where when he’s talking to you, all your holes get wet. You’re just like, “What? Why here?” Like… His eyes change color and shit, you guys. So, he’s talking to me at this event, and I don’t even think I’m registering as a sexual person to him, because I’m thinking of myself like I’m on a mound, you know? And… I’m just like, “Sick party, right, Coop?” Like, I’m not– I’m trying to help him get out of the conversation with me. I’m like, “Okay.” Because all these gorgeous girls are around, just foaming at the mouth, just like, “Oh, let me at that dick hole.” And… And I tried to get him out of it. I’m like, “All right. Have a good night.” And he’s like, “Wait, Amy. It’s really good to see you. Let’s hang out.” I’m like, “Okay… my new boyfriend.” Fully went there. And then… Then we talk a little more, and then 20 minutes go by, and I’m like, “Okay, I’m gonna grab my seat.” And he grabs my wrist. He goes, “Wait. It’s, like, really good to see you. Why don’t we, like, spend some time together?” [humming “Bridal Chorus”] I, like, put my napkin over my head. I was like, “I do!” I called my friends from high school on the way home. I’m like, “Take me out of your phone. I’m with Bradley now. I’m at a new level, and you’re not coming with me. You’re out!” And then the next night, I’m doing a show in Reno, Nevada, because you can have it all. And I’m watching the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. And they’re like, “And here’s Bradley Cooper.” And I’m like, “Hi, baby.” And they’re like, “And here is his girlfriend.” And I’m like, “But I’m his girlfriend.” It turns out I am not his girlfriend. He is dating an actual angel named Irina Shayk. She’s a supermodel. She doesn’t resemble a person at all. It looks like if a panther fucked a gazelle… and then, like, they fucked Gisele… and just shot out the hottest piece of ass you’ve ever seen. She doesn’t walk. She, like, slinks around. And she’s– The way she talks, she’s like, “I’m from nine hours by dogsled outside Moscow.” She can only see through the tops of her eyes. [moaning] She’s so fucking hot. You can just tell that she’s always wet, like, the way she moves. Like, once a boyfriend brought out lube, and she’s like, “I laugh at your lube, Bradley!” And I’m just watching this in fucking Reno. I’m like, “Bradley? Bradley, it’s me!” Like, I was thinking I was gonna be rolling around on a beach with him. And, I don’t know, is this me? Is that my ass? I know we have– Definitely, there’s a picture of me. Is this me? Or is this me? I can’t– Fuck! Which one is me? Is that me? Or is that me? I don’t know. And I was like, “You know what? Fuck her.” That bitch will never be brave. Thank you so much! I love you! [music playing] Oh, wait. Is that guy picketing my show? [indistinct chatter] I don’t know. I feel like he’s yelling at the people going to my show. And you know what? He’s right. He needs a better megaphone. [man] Ha ha. -Are you guys engaged? -Yes. Can I be in the picture? [man] Down here, gun control is when you hold it with two hands. Oh, that’s very funny, Gary. How about holding the steering wheel with two hands. How does that sound? [laughs] Here are the real stars of the show. Whoo! She runs out of lipstick because her lips are so luscious. I’m glad I’m not wearing a skirt because these people would fully see up my entire twat. Do people still say “twat”? [crowd cheering] [woman] So easy."
1686241953-166,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-tamborine-transcript/,"[indistinct overlapping chatter] [woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock. [audience cheers and applauds] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn. Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months they’d look at their dead n i g g a calendar and go… “Oh, my God, we’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Uh, which one?” “The first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world… with real equality. I wanna live in a world… where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.” I know some people like, “Come on, Chris, man. You go too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you, man. You a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. I’m not famous from miles away. Like, my fame kicks in right about here. You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a… Hey, that’s Chris Rock! Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, ’cause… You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like, on one hand I’m a black man so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the crips. Uh, yo, crips… can you send Lil’ JJ down? Oh, he’s here already. My bad. My bad.” I mean, here’s the thing with the cops, though, I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough. [scattered clapping] And you get what you pay for. Here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man… they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” It’s just a few bad apples. Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for murderer. It’s like, how’d they get that one? “Bad apple?” That almost sounds nice. I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, ok? But some jobs can’t have bad apples. Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like… pilots. -[scattered clapping] -You know? American Airlines can’t be like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples… that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” America’s insane, man. Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems. We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, ok? It’s like, “Gun control.” There ain’t never gonna be no gun control, ok? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot yo ass, ok? That’s right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. Because Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt. It’s like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean… I’ve been hunting. I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a faggot. And he’s a preacher. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? And somebody will come on TV. You know, and they’ll just talk like… “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman would’ve had a knife… he could’ve stabbed 100 people to death. Could’ve stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. Check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed, at the same time, in the same place by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die. What? You just watching this shit? “Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. Oh, they stabbed somebody else. Oh, he stabbed somebody else. Oh, he getting closer. Oh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming. Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. He’s a stabbin’ fool. Guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” Yo, it is so good to be here right now. Glad to be back. Here’s the weird thing. I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People like, “Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. Just started high school. Lola just started high school. And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. And, uh… Kept her off the pole, you know. She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it. She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. You ever go to freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. With, you know, a couple thousand kids. People come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Shit, I’m looking at these kids right now. I count at least 60 Uber drivers. They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth. Say, “Hey kids, check this out. Check this out. You can be anything you’re good at. As long as they’re hiring.” [laughter and applause] And even then it helps to know somebody. So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this shit. And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got black kids, man. You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. Because the black kids, you’re, you’re… You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world. I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. I gotta get them ready for America, man. You know? It’s like, you know. I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright. Ya’ll cool. Every one of you. I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.”
 But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations.” ‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, ok? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. Ok? Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. My house, we don’t have fire drills. We have white-r drills. So, ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So, everything in my house… that’s the color white… is either hot, heavy, or sharp. So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They gotta contemplate this shit. “Oh, this napkin, ok. Should I wipe my mouth with it? Or is that what whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention.” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. [crying] “Daddy! Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.” [laughter and clapping] Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, n i g g a. Pow.” If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse. It’s rough out there for a black boy, man. It’s rough! That’s right. Some people say young black men are an endangered species. But, that’s not true. Because endangered species are protected by the government. [applause and cheers] [high-pitched] True. That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. You understand me? Hard. Yeah, I said it. On Netflix, I said that shit. You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions. It’s the difference between life and death, ok? Ok? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. Only in America. We gotta change this justice system, yo. The American justice system should be like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.” So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school. And, the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t– We don’t– We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need, quick. That’s right. I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they special. Maybe they special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. [clapping and laughing] Nobody! And even some of the people inside the house… [laughter] …a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half. Bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi? You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. Gate motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zucker-fuck. Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit, pressure makes diamonds. Not hugs. That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies. A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. [applause and cheers] Shit. The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. They run the world, man. Yo, man, this shit is crazy. A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”. You know, some people never get theirs. Some people just fail up. People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.” No, it don’t. Sometimes it just keeps going around. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing. It might just work out. Trump might work out. -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. Bush was so bad… he gave us Obama. You forget that shit, don’t you? Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.” I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history. George Bush is a black revolutionary. Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. It might work out, man. Think about it. Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. Shit, Trump’s so bad… he gonna give us Jesus. “Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?” This shit is serious.     Oh, man. Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion is kinda like salt. A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. [laughter, scattered clapping] But, God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game…. getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and… God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you in jail for murder, and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now somebody is killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you in jail for parking tickets, and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like, “I should’ve moved that car.” -[laughter] -[scattered claps] “What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” Trying to find God before God finds me. You know, lotta religion in the news, man. You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday. At 2:30, I got tickets. Fantasia is opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. And occasionally blow shit up. Which is really odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would he need your help? What is that shit? And… It… I’m sorry. [applause] Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out. It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. It’s like, “What the fuck? Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago? Now you’re helping out God? That is some promotion.” What the fuck is going on? I mean, here’s the thing. I think… the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now that’s believing in God. [laugher and applause] Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion… follows one basic premise. One basic idea that every religion follows. And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes. Every religion believes that. Every one. “God, does not make… mistakes. I said, God… does not [high-pitched] make… mistakes. Ok, God don’t make no mistakes? That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s… That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? God rested. Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task? It was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No, that has never fucking happened to you. What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” [laughter and applause] God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth. God make plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake. What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. You think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake. You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake. M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like? You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God! Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. See, people looking like they never saw a car before. Wheel. Wheel. Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.” “It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like… “That baby wasn’t really dead, right?” “I can’t wait to jet ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh… [mutters] You know. Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no. Don’t… [sparse claps] No. Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right. At the show. Right now. That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. Ok. You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing. Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it. That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? I’m trying to fucking help you, ok? Ok, first rule. Rule one. Stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, ok? Number two. Number two, ok? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You’re in the service industry, ok? That’s right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like… ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪ Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right. You in a band. It’s like Hall and Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gots to fuck. People are like, “When we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. You knew she couldn’t cook. But she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in. You gotta keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy  dick. You gotta do what you gotta do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? [laughter] No, man. You gots to fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. Married for 16 years. Yeah. That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. Which means my 16 years, is actually longer than my parents’ 40. That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. Ok? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None. Ok? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could’ve been dead. And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?” “About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” Yes, that’s right. You know what else? They actually missed each other. They missed each other. You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017. Not really. You can say it. But you don’t really miss a motherfucker. ‘Cause you with them all the time. They in your fucking pocket. Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. You know, a FaceTime. And then later on your woman goes, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” Like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I know everything you did today. And I know how people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know? I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? I was addicted to porn. You know. And, you know. You know. I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and… verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You gotta mix it up. Choke-out Thursdays. And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do. It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!” Then later on, now you’re all fucked up. And you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, no? I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl, with a black girl’s ass… that speaks Spanish. Just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies… that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. Or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys that think they with they wife right now. But no, n i g g a, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you. She with me. Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing… the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband… that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. Think it’s they house too. No. She took that house years ago. And the kids were in on it. That’s right. That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, ok? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken. And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.” Ha-ha! That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think… you own a house, this the test. Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, I want you to try…. I want you to try…. Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try… to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” [tsks] “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral. She’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight. Another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t gotta really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.” “I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours.” “Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s, like, fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat… it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again. So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know? You got bad fucking new, man. And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? You? I thought you was alright. You? Come on, Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” [laughter] “That’s it? Just three? God damn, n i g g a. I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. Three? You must’ve really loved your wife. You a romantic.” Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. Just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court. And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court. Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. And he keeps his robe on all day. And writes “Judge” on the back. Just in case somebody thinks it’s a n i g g a with a cape. “Is that a n i g g a with a cape?” “Nope, just a judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? So, I bought a house around the corner. Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. Like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, ok? But, it wasn’t enough, man. I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures… of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Ok, showed him the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside… to make sure the children have enough to eat.” And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?” [laughter] “I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.” Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. It’s fucking beautiful, ok? Got my kids, man. I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. That shit was, like, humiliating, man. Trying to… prove your parenthood, man. So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship. But, after you go through that shit, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids? It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.” And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that shit.” Every motherfucking time, ok? Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story. They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting. Check my Instagram, alright?     And the crazy thing is… So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man. And whoever, whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you. It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me. I’m gonna be at Burger King… at 10:38, ok? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So.. I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around. And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. The judge. The bailiff. The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.” Just here. And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me. Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. [laughter] It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.” And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And, at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I brought this shit on myself. You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness… that you have to accept… when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like… The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? When you get older, one thing I learned… only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved… under the condition that he provides something. Ok? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand. Can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What’s she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do?” “What the fuck does that n i g g a do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, n i g g a?” “How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” I remember, right when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right? And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done. I’m done. You get to a certain age. You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit. It’s like, “Fuck this.” I am done cheating. I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right, I ain’t cheating at all, you know. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know… It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time, man. You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out yo house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where you going? It’s yo place.” And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man. And I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God. Young girls like to get on top. Always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” You can’t get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. She’s like, “N i g g a, you lucky I’m laying like this.” “I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now, under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you ’cause you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put? ‘Cedric the Entertainer’?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt-naked, holding a microphone, and a tambourine. Hey, I’m out of here. Ya’ll take care. Thank you. [“Tambourine” playing]
 ♪ Oh, my God, here you are ♪
 ♪ Prettiest thing in life I’ve ever seen ♪ [whistling] ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
 ♪ Close my eyes, what’s it like? ♪
 ♪ What’s it like inside your tambourine? ♪
 ♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪
 ♪ Falling in love With a face in a magazine ♪
 ♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪ [whistling] ♪ All alone, by myself ♪
 ♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine ♪
 ♪ Tambourine ♪
 ♪ The tambourine ♪"
1686241818-132,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,TREVOR NOAH: LIVE AT THE APOLLO (2013) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/trevor-noah-live-at-the-apollo-2013-transcript/,"Trevor Noah: Good evening. I grew up in South Africa. That’s where I still live, I enjoy it, grew up there during a time known as Apartheid. For those who don’t know, Apartheid was a law in our country that made it illegal for black and white people to interact with one another, you know. This was against the law. And so this world was awkward for me growing up, because I grew up in a mixed family, well with me being the mixed one in the family. My mother is a black woman, Xhosa woman, born in South Africa. That’s one of the languages with the clicks, Xhosa. Xhosa! So a black woman and then my father is Swiss, but they didn’t care. They were mavericks, fighting the system. My mum was arrested for being with my dad. She would get fined, she would get thrown into prison for the weekend, but still she’d come back and she was like, “Woo! I don’t care! I don’t care! Woo! Can’t tell me who to love! I want a white man! Woo!” She’s crazy my mum, just crazy. And my dad was also like, well, you know how the Swiss love chocolate. So he was in there, you know. And so – and so they got together and they had me, which was illegal. So I was born a crime, which is something I don’t think they ever thought through, because as a family we couldn’t live together. You know. Like in the streets, we couldn’t even be seen together. My father would have to walk on the other side of the road and he could just wave at me from far like a creepy pedophile. Well, like a pedophile. I didn’t have to say creepy, like a pedophile because creepy implies there’s some other sort of pedophile. There is none. There’s no classy pedophile. There’s no need, like “Afternoon, ladies. Afternoon. Afternoon. No, no, just browsing, just browsing.” He’s so classy! No, he’s a pedophile. Alright… And, my mum could walk with me. My mum could walk with me, but if the police showed up she’d have to let go of my hand and drop me and act like I wasn’t hers every single time, because we weren’t supposed to exist as a family. So my mum would let go. It was like a little game we played. The police would show up like, “Woo!” She’d be like, “Oh! I don’t know. I don’t know. No, he’s not mine. He’s not mine. No, I don’t know.” It was horrible for me. I felt like a bag of weed. It was a tough time. And – and the downside of being light was that just that being light I was different. People mocked me, gave me names like mixed-breed, half-caste. I hate that term half. Why half? Why not double or twice as nice? I don’t know. People give you weird names, I just wanted a cool name, you know. I wanted to be black, to be honest. That’s all I ever wanted. Especially since one day growing up, I met an American and he was shocked that in South Africa we had all these titles. And he said to me, “Well, you know, Trevor, if you go out to America, they’ll label you as black.” I said, “Really?!” He was like, “Oh, hell, yeah! Ha ha ha ha ha — yeah, buddy, everybody is black out there. Yeah! You’d be super black.” Well, that sounds good to me, super black! Yeah. And I made a choice like, “First chance I get to go out to America, I’m going to get a piece of that black.” And I did boarded a flight. It was an 18-hour journey, Johannesburg to New York. I didn’t sleep a wink. I just sat there in my chair like a madman watching every single black American movie I could find. Just sitting there going crazy, practicing like, “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Yeah! King Kong ain’t got shit on me! Yeah! Yeah! I’m – sorry? Oh the chicken, please. The chicken. Thank you. No, that’s fine, thank you. Yeah! Put it in your mouth, yeah!” 18 hours of flying, 18 hours of practice. I landed in New York and I was fluent in my black American. Fo’ shizzle my nizzle. I had everything. I had the walk. I had the talk – I was so black, I was even laughing like “Ha! Ha! Ha! Yeah! Ha-ha! Oh, my man! My man! Oh, that’s you? That’s you? Ha-ha!” That for me is the coolest thing in the world. Black Americans are so cool and confident. They’ll make you feel good about yourself just by asking if you are you. It’s magic. They’ll just walk up to you and go, “That’s you? That’s you? Nah, nah, for real, man, this you?!” And you’ll be like, “Yeah, I think it is! Yeah.” And I was that black. I was super black. I was loving it, until this guy walked up to me. I don’t know him, he didn’t even know me, tapped me on the shoulder in the airport he’s like [Spanish Language]. I said, “What? You’re talking to me?” He said “Yeah, I’m talking to you, man! I’m just saying, we made it, baby. We made it baby, eh?” Now that we’re here, our kind, we got to stick together, hombre.” “Our kind?!” 18 hours of flying and I wasn’t black. I was Mexican. Mexican. So I started learning Spanish. If not, why not? And then I’ve also started learning German. I learn German to connect with my father. You know. Lost contact with him for many years because of apartheid and so now we’re starting to learn each other, which is taking time, but we’re doing it slowly. I think the language will help me you know, because I don’t think he’s proud of me. He loves me, but I haven’t earned his pride. I think partly because of my job. As a comedian I don’t rank that high in the world of German ‘anythings’. Comes across in the small conversations, like one day we’re having lunch. My dad looks at me and goes, “So, Trevor, what do you do now, eh? You got a job? Do you work?” I said, “Yeah, Dad, I’m a comedian, a stand-up comedian.” He’s like “Oh, yeah, yeah, so the clown, eh? Yeah.” “No. Whatever.” German’s holding me back. You know. I dream of impressing him with his language. I’ll get to his house one day. He’ll welcome me at the gate, like, “Ah, clown boy!” I’ll be like, “Guten tag, vater.” It’s epic. It’s got that feeling. So I’ve started learning. I learn in different ways. You know, watch German movies, play German speeches on my iPod when I sleep. Your brain remembers things you don’t even know, it’s beautiful. The only hiccup was it turned out I’d downloaded some of Hitler’s speeches. It’s not like Google warned me. Don’t judge me. Google wasn’t like, “Oh, not those ones!” No, it just let me download everything and so I learned some of his nuances, not his philosophies. It’s just I’ve been told that when I speak German sometimes I sound distinctly Hitler-ish, which I found out in Germany, which is not the best place to find out that you’ve got Hitler vibes. I would have rather found out at home. And, actually, it’s funny now, not so much then. I was in Cologne, Germany, beautiful area, I’ll never forget. I was walking around and I went into like a little sandwich shop, like one of those Subways where you make your own sandwich and I walked in. The woman was really nice to me. She was like, “Guten tag. Kannst ich sie helfen?” I looked at her and I thought, confidence, Trevor. Confidence! I said, “Guten tag! [German Language] Und ein Pepsi Cola drinken, bitte!” And she shat herself. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She went pale, she looked me straight in the eye and she said, “Der schwarze Hitler!” Which means the black Hitler. I was so happy. Yeah, because she said Hitler, but at least she said I was black. You guys have been fantastic. Thanks for having me."
1686241599-76,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,AMY SCHUMER: MOSTLY SEX STUFF (2012) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amy-schumer-mostly-sex-stuff-2012-full-transcript/,"Fuck, yeah! This is such a big night for you. but I’m celebrating. I finally just slept with my high-school crush. Right? Thank you. Thank you, but I swear, now he, like, expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I’m gonna be in three years, right? I’m like, “Whoa!” Slow it down. Fucking kids, right? Fucking small kids. You look, like, upset. Like, I don’t fuck kids. That’s a joke. Like, I would never… I shouldn’t say never. That’s like… you don’t know… I feel like I just painted myself in a corner there. But… that’s not a good way to start. This is a beautiful theater. I should be really grateful. I worked at a fish restaurant last week. Like, I did stand-up at a fish restaurant, just so you guys know. That’s not a joke. People were, like, eating mussels, and they were just like, “Check”. And I was like, “Can you just let me try and pursue my dream?” And this place is so beautiful. I should have started off with something other than kid fucking. You guys are right. Start over. Class it up. My mom’s a cunt. Hear me out. Go with me on this, you guys. I know, like, not everyone’s comfortable with that word. Half of you were like, “Ugh,” right? “No, don’t say that”. And the other half of you were like, “Oh, my God. What a coincidence”. “That cunt should meet my cunt mom”. I just… I brought her to a soccer game ’cause I wanted her to see what boundaries looked like, you know? I was like, “Look, stop wearing my clothes”. Ugh. She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she was like, “You know, I can still fit in my wedding dress,” I was like, “Oh, my God. Who cares?” Right? I mean, it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was eight months pregnant, but I just… I don’t think bragging’s cool. Are you okay? You’re, like, choking. No? Are you allergic to talent? Hi. Hi. I’m just kidding. Are you okay, really? You need anything? Okay. Oh, God. I don’t need another death under my belt. Speaking of me taking Plan “B” last week, I… I did. You know… you know what it is? There are some people here… it’s the morning-after pill. I take it the night before ’cause I’m smart. But… some people like to… I’m with you good people. I believe birth begins at conception. So I just, like, beat that shit. Plan Bizzle. Who’s taken it? Who’s taken it? Thank you. Oh, sorry, a room of heroes. Everyone’s like, “Eh” This place is old. There’s probably… you’re probably being inseminated by the seats right now, let’s be real. I did, I took it. It’s over the…
 I went to my normal pharmacy. I walk in. The pharmacist is like, “Hey, Ame”. I’m like, “Please don’t call me a nickname”. He’s like, “What do you want, Ambien?” I’m like, “No, I’m not addicted to that. “You guys know that. I only take that when I’m drinking”. They’re like, “What do you want?” I was like, “Plan and they were like… they didn’t even hide it. They were like, “Ew, you whore”. I was like, “You can’t… you can’t say that”. They’re like, “You’re gonna feel nauseous”. I was like, “Ugh”. I took it, I felt fine. I went to yoga. I’m like, “Can these people tell “I’m, like, mid-aborsh right now? This is…” This is not good. It was easy. They should call it Plan That’s how I used it. It’s a great plan. Let’s start with this one. I… I don’t… I don’t think that’s, like, adorable that I just took Plan I’m 31. Like, that’s not cute at all. That’s cute when you’re, like… you’re, like, 21, right? You go, you sit on your mom’s bed, you cry, you’re like, “Oh, the condom broke”. I’m like, “The what broke?” “What now? What’s this you speak of?” I do, I still think I’m 20. It’s so gross. Like, every bar I go to, I show my I.D. They’re like, “No, that’s okay”. Like, “Wow, they’re really relaxed here. “I hope they don’t get raided. This place, I don’t know”. But the girls I grew up with, they’re living normal adult lives, you know? So they call me now, and they’re like, “Ame, I’m pregnant”. And I still react like, “What are you gonna do?” “No…” I’m like, “I’ll drive you, I guess”. They’re like, “No, you’re gross,” I’m like, “Oh, we keep them now”. Keep them. That’s my favorite reality show. You know the show Teen Mom? Or if you’re from the South, Mom. They don’t wait, right? This is poor planning on my part. I’m kind of dizzy. I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test. I know, that j… people, like, hate that joke if they have AIDS. So if you didn’t laugh, get tested. Check it out. Check it out. You have it. You have it. I’m a healer. I went through a breakup this year. I was dating this guy. I walked in on him masturbating. Yeah, he’s like, “Are you mad?” I’m like, “No, but you seem to be. Holy shit”. I’m like, “Does it owe you money? “Why are you…” “Is that waterboarding? I don’t feel safe”. Me and this guy, we were so different. I knew we were… like, he was, like, really into family. You know, and I mentioned my mom. Like, he’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife. And I just… I’m better. No, the truth is I thought he was gonna break up with me the whole time for the lamest reason… because I wouldn’t swallow. But I have a nut allergy. Like, what did he expect? I’m gonna risk my life… for his empty calories? No! Stop telling us it’s good for our skin. Fuck you guys. One girl was like, “Oh, okay”. Guys are so gross, right? Guys are gross. You’re gross, okay? They’re so gross. I had sex with a guy recently, more semen than you’ve ever seen in your life. I was like, “Did you just get out of jail? What’s… what is the meaning of this?” “It’s a compliment”. “No, no”. But that’s what guys want ’cause they’re so gross. If it were up to them, we’d all look like Carrie in the prom scene at the end, just, “Ugh” No girl wants that. We don’t want that. We’re lazier than you. If it were up to me, the cleanup would be me taking a Q-tip going, boop, asleep. That’s it. Instead I was like, “I’ve been slimed”. “I feel like a contestant on Double Dare right now”. “Let me just get this self-worth off me real quick”. That’s why I don’t like porn. Well, I like to watch porn. Like, what girls in here like porn? Thank you. I love it. All the… all the whores are in the front. This is the best. Girls in the back are, like, reading books. They’re like, “50 shades of what?” That reference will not be funny by the time this show comes out. People will be like, “What a hack. Oh, God”. More references about right now, how about Sandusky… no. Wasting everyone’s time in the editing room. So, yeah, I like porn. I like that casting director one, that’s funny. He never finds the right girl. What do these girls have to do? I don’t like to watch the end of porn. I don’t like to watch the end of any porn, ’cause guess what happens at the end of the rainbow every time. Spoiler alert, he cums on her face. Oh! What an amazing choose-your-own adventure that always ends exactly the same. There’s never a twist, right? He’s never like… the guy is having sex with her, and he looks off camera in her backpack, he’s like, “Oh, are you reading that Nicholas Sparks book too?” “Oh, my God. What are the chances? Let’s start a bed and breakfast together”. No. He just cums on her head. We don’t wanna see that. I don’t want… ’cause we think about that girl. Like, that poor girl, and we know, as soon as the director yells “cut,” that she’s just stumbling around like Helen Keller looking for a towel, just where… “Did you guys go to lunch? “This isn’t cool. You promise this is good for my skin?” That’s so funny. Am I the only person who ever walked in the audience during their special? Three little Asian chicks were just like… And that’s not racist, that’s just… I’m just saying that that’s how all Asian people walk. Just very creepy. I know I’m in San Fran. I should watch my back. But… I think I could take those girls. That was funny. I was watching them. Like, every time I referenced semen, they were just like, “Oh, no”. Yes. It’s not for shock value. This happens, right? Come on, you guys, we’ve all taken a load somewhere we’re not proud of. So… Like, my mom’s here. So the guy I was dating, he was, like, so lazy. He was one of those dudes, like, he wouldn’t go down on me. I had to become a climber every time, you know? Head up there, just holding on to the headboard like a nosy neighbor peeking over the fence. I feel like Wilson from Home Improvement. I’m like, “Hey, Tool Man, what’s…” That was embarrassing up there. That’s the worst dismount in the biz. I don’t care how you slice it. So I’m, like, single now. I’m dating. I suck at dating. I go outwith these guys. This guy wanted to go dancing the other night. Like, have you ever had a guy who’s trying to date you be like, “Let’s dance”? It’s like, “I don’t know”. I’m like, “It’s…” I’m like, “Look, I think you wanna go to the parade”. And it’s also ’cause I’m the worst dancer. I dance like your… like your aunt at a wedding. Like, every move I do, I’m surprising myself. I’m just like, “Oh, wh… what? “Whoa, whoa. Nobody saw it going this way”. Everybody saw it going that way. It’s so awful. So I’m, like, dating now. I’m, like, going on dates. Whenever I start seeing someone, I’m, like, this alternate version of myself. It’s just like… I’m just, like, you know, trying to be super-cool new girl. I’m like, “Let me just sweep this crazy under the rug “for a couple months. “You don’t need to… you don’t need to see this till month three”. I went on a date with a guy recently, and he was, like, really hot. So I was pretending to be a good person, you know? I was saying things like, “I love kids, and I’m not racist”. Just vague lies. And you have to, like, pretend like you wanna use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, “You’re gonna wanna wear this. I’ve had a busy month”. “It’s like a Petri dish right now. I don’t know what’s happening”. People are so upset about my vagina right now. They’re like, “No!” Here… but this guy, we went out, and he was like… you can tell when a guy dates a lot. He had, like, date questions. He was like, “if you could have lunch with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?” I thought about it. I answered honestly, I was like, “Mark Twain. I think he was hilarious”. And he goes, “Pfft, Amy, it’s got to be somebody real”. I was like, “Oh, you’re legit retarded. That’s so cute”. “I’m gonna sleep with a retarded person”. I did. So I’ve been on the road a lot lately, and every town I go to, you have to do, like, local press, you know? The, like, Greenville Who Gives A Shit. Like, everybody has a paper. And they all ask the same questions every week. They ask me the same, exact question. They’re just like, “What’s the hardest part about being a female comedian? What is it? What’s the hardest part?” And, like, what would you guess? Well, it’s the rape. The three Asian chicks just walked back in here, and I said that, and they went… No, but it is. It’s all the rapings. No… but they ask… they’re just like… and I guess it’s a normal question, “Is it harder for female comics? Is it harder?” And it’s not. Like, they think we just get up here and just bleed all over the stage. I’m just, “Oh, my ovaries. How do I keep them in my body?” Like, it’s totally not harder. It’s harder to be a chick in general, for sure. That sucks. That’s not fun. Right? Right girls? No, it is. It sucks. Just in terms of laziness. Like, look at the guys you’re here with tonight, okay? Some of them bangable, not all of them. Let’s be real. Let’s keep it honest, okay? But, like, what did you do to get ready, you know? Like, how long did it take you to get ready? You didn’t get ready is the answer. Guys don’t do shit. They put a shirt on, give themselves one of these in the mirror, they’re out. They’re like, “I did it, bro. I fucking did it”. “What did you do?” Some guys take a little more time. I dated a guy from Philly for a while. Is anybody here from Philadelphia? Yeah? Okay, some sassy babes. No dudes, though. But tell me if I’m right about this. Well, just agree, ’cause this is for my TV special. Like, those dudes will beat you to death with a sack of batteries, but they get their eyebrows waxed. You know the kind of guy I’m talking about? I was at a Met game… thank you. And… it was Mets, Phillies, and I’m sitting behind third base. And these huge Philly meatheads are heckling David Wright. They’re like, “You suck, Wright. You’re the worst. We hate you”. And so I said, “You’re very attractive!” And the biggest one of them goes, “True”. But most guys don’t do shit. Like, look at the shirts you guys are wearing. Every one of you that I can see, you could have worn that when you were a toddler on picture day. Every one. No difference. Check it out. But look at the beautiful girls you’re with. Look at… it’s so much work for us. It takes me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes. Tonight it took eight hours, okay? I slept sitting up. I slept like this. It’s so much work. Oh, we’re like clowns. We are circus freaks, women, we are. We… we put paint on our faces like warriors. We’re… I’m wearing stilts. We wear stilts. We wear heels all night. And we put a string in our buttholes, just… “Ah… am I pretty?” We wear jewelry, shiny shit… “Look over here. Follow me to the altar”. Ugh. It sucks. It sucks. I think as a woman as you get older, you get lazier just by looking around. No, I just… I work in Vegas a lot. That doesn’t sound awesome. But I do stand-up in Vegas a lot, and I see these packs of young girls that still have the energy, you know? Just a pack of girls all wearing tube dresses, right? And just… the heels they can’t handle. They have to hold each other and do, like, Wizard of Oz walk, chain gang kind of… They all look identical. It looks like a whore computer just shot out a prototype, and they just started walking. “Tonight, tonight’s the night, you guys”. I like seeing them at the end of the night, you know, like it didn’t work out. They’re carrying their heels. They’re crying their makeup off. It looks like they’re melting. “Why didn’t anyone pick me?” “You have puke on your tube, Amber”. It’s all work. It’s work having a vagina. That’s work. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it just shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first quinceañera, believe me. Gets an updo, it cries. It’s a lot of work. It didn’t used to be work. I know that from watching vintage porn. It was no work. Zero. I even… I remember my mom bottomless when I was a kid. And it was just… poof! It looked like the black smoke monster from Lost was just following her. It’s like, “Is Mom being swarmed by bees? “What is… “Is that a tumbleweed? We’re not even in the West”. And then something happened. I don’t know. Like, 10, 15 years ago, all the dudes got together and had, like, a meeting. Like a fantasy football draft about our privates. They were like, “We can’t get in there. “It’s like Vietnam trying to… What do we do?” And then they just came to us, and they were just like, “Ladies, would you mind looking like babies again?” And we were like… “Like, what do you mean? Just clean up the sides a little bit or…” “The whole enchilada”. And we were like, “Yeah, that’s not super weird”. So now we go, we get it done. We have to go get it done. Ugh, yeah, like, that does… she… we go and get it done, guys. Like, it doesn’t just happen. I don’t care how cool your girl is. She doesn’t have, like, alopecia of the crotch. It just falls out in the shape of your initials. That’s not what happens. That’s not how it goes down, no. We get it done. We have to go see a woman, usually from a third-world country. It’s never from, like… like, it’s never me that comes and gets you from the waiting room. Like, I’ll never be like, “Hi, I’m Ashley. I’m here to take care of your pussy”. Like, no. “Pussy!” No, it’s not… that’s not how it goes. Like, the chick who does it to me in New York, I think she’s from, like, the killing fields of Cambodia. Like, this poor woman… I can tell, like, she has seen some shit, you know? She has been through it, and she was, like, a doctor there. And now she does this, and she hates me. And she doesn’t even hide it. I walk in, she’s like, “Ugh”. I’m like, “Sorry”. But she should, she should hate me because I’m like… we’re the worst, white, entitled girls. I walk in chewing gum, I’m on my phone. I’m just like… I’m like, “Don’t get any wax on my new UGGs. What?” She’s like, “My parents were murdered in front of me”. I’m like, “I’m on the phone. What?” “It’s about True Blood. Give me one sec”. She hates me, but she wins. Like, those chicks win every time, ’cause what they do, and I always forget this, they go… she goes and gets a mirror, and she shows it to me. She shows me my own vagina. And I have to act like I’m not horrified. And I’m horrified. It’s the worst thing in the world. And what she’s saying in that moment is, “Are you happy now, you dumb bitch? You just paid me to assault you”. “And now you look like a toddler. Is that what… is that cool, yeah?” And it’s not cool. It’s the worst thing you’ll ever see in your life. It’s red. It looks angry. It looks like an old man frowning. Just, “No!” “Visit me!” “Birds!” I don’t know. Old people like birds, right? I don’t know. They’re always like, “Oh, look, a bird”. Ugh. It’s so much work. I think guys have it easier. I’m not sure. What do you guys think? Yeah, you do? Did you ever see an uncircumcised penis? You did? Did you know… did you know you were gonna see it? No, it’s always a fucking surprise party, right? It’s a big… it’s him, right? It’s him. Wait. Here’s the funniest thing. I’m sorry that everyone knows about your penis now. But here’s the best part, he’s wearing a shirt that says “Browncoats”. Now, if that’s not funny… And that’s what it looks like. It looks like your penis is wearing a little brown coat… if you’ve seen one. You just… nobody ever tells you, right? He didn’t tell you. They don’t tell you shit. They’re just like, boom, reunited with Snuffleupagus, enjoy. Enjoy. You guys are so cute. Why don’t they tell us? Tell… tell me. We have to become award-winning actresses. Like, “Oh, no. That’s totally cool. “Mom, can you come pick me up? “I don’t know. It’s wearing, like, a hat or, like, a cape. Like, a brown coat type thing”. Why don’t they tell us? I would tell you if I had an extra flap over my clitoris. I’d give you a heads-up. I would. I’d be like, “You’re gonna encounter a wizard. “Keep going. “Go. Take this compass”. I’d make it exciting, play the music from Zelda. It’d be great. Men don’t care. They don’t tell you. I hooked up with a guy one time that had no testicles. Count them, zero “testicalo”. You think he brought that up at dinner? ‘Cause he didn’t. I got to find out in real time. It was dark in the room. Let me paint the romantic picture here. And I went right to the spot I know them to always be, no GPS necessary. I picked up the main event and noth… I felt like a girl learning Braille. I just kept… And, like, we don’t… like, girls don’t care about your balls. Like, no one care… like, I would never call my sister the morning after and be like, “Hey, okay. So, like, the sex was lame, “but this guy’s balls…” No. But when they’re not there, you miss ’em. They’re like grandparents. Thank you. I like that that’s the one that was too much for you guys. You’re like, “Rape, AIDS, whatevs. Grandparents? Whoa!” So, yeah, the way I saw an uncircumcised penis… I had met this guy at a bar. He was French. So I should have known, but I didn’t know he was actually French. I thought we were both just, like, wasted and faking the accent, you know? I was like, “Rosetta Stone!” ‘Cause I do, I can only drink beer and wine now ’cause I, like, my parents are… anybody have alcoholic parents? Anybody in here? Oh, no, everybody was raised awesomely? Like, my dad used to apologize to me for missing volleyball games that he was at. So, anyway, I meet this French guy and… ’cause I don’t think that’s a cute accent on dudes, right? The French accent. It just… it makes my vagina shut like a steel trap, Just pshh! I mean, thank God for that other hole, but… My butthole. Oh, you knew. Okay, you knew. So I went home with this French guy, ’cause he said something adorable like, “I have an apartment”. I was like, “Oh”. So we go… I go home with him, and we’re, like, making out. He was very sensual. He’s one of those dudes, like, he started to pick me up, and then he realized he was in over his head, and I got planted back down. It’s hard to feel sexy when a dudes winded from trying to hoist you. His, like, legs are shaking. He’s, like, wiping sweat. I’m like, “Can you just put me…” I tried to land cute like a gymnast. I was like… No, but I do… but I know I have a body type. Like, I know, like, I’m not a twig. Like, if a cheerleading pyramids being made, I know I’m a base. Like, I get right down… I’m not like, “Hoist me up on top “like a star tonight, you guys. I wanna fly”. Like, I know where I am. I know my body type the way guys hit on me at bars, like, when it happens. And it’s usually my idea. I’m usually like, “Hey”. And they’re like, “No, thanks”. And I’m like, “Hey!” And they’re like, “Oh”. But when I do get hit on… Like, this guy just came up to me, and he was from, like, Texas or somewhere I’m not going. And… and he comes over, and he’s like, “Hey, I like you. You’re sturdy”. I’m like, “I’m sorry?” He’s like, “You look like you could take a punch”. I’m like, “Oh”. Oh, don’t I feel like the belle of the ball. So I’m making out with Frenchinator, and… he did… he put… he, like, gave up right away, ’cause he’s French, I guess. And… Oh, my God. Thank you. So we’re making out, and… he… he pulled his dick out immediately. He must have been thinking like, “She’s the one”. And I’m looking at it. I’m just like, “What… what is that?” “Are we having, like, a pillow fight? “What’s… Why is the gnome from Travelocity in your underpants?” But, like, you can’t… guys are sensitive too. I couldn’t do what I was, like, thinking, like… “Aah!” Like, run down the five stories of his walk-up. I had to be, like, a team player and be like, “All right, here we go”. Just, like, fighting through the skin trying to find his actual pe… I felt like a magician with the scarves, I’m just… Waiting for a dove to hit me in the face. It sucks getting older as a chick. In your 20s, you’re just like, “Life is awesome. Everybody wants to fuck me, you guys!” Then you turn 30, and you’re like, “You guys?” It’s like a bus that never comes. But as I’m getting older, what I’m doing now is I’m just making sure I’m the best-looking one of my friends. It’s really easy. I cut certain people out of my life. And I now hand-select strangers off of Facebook and surround myself with real trolls and reptiles. You should see these monsters. I had a friend, Nikki, she kept losing weight. I took her out of my phone. Fuck her, I’m sorry. But there’s one chick I’ve been friends with forever. Her name is Sabina. Like, she’s gorgeous, and of course she is, with the name Sabina. Like, what a white, annoying name, right? You have to be so hot to pull off names like that, like Sabina, Priscilla. You can’t have, like, a bum knee and a lazy eye and be like, “I’m Sabina”. It’s like, “Nice try. “We’re gonna call you Bertha, bitch. “But that was cute. That was cute”. Guys go crazy over her. I never get hit on like that. The only time I get hit on is last call at the bar. Right? That’s when I shine, I’m telling you. What a weird time of night, right? The lights go on. It just feels real rape-y all of a sudden. Post-apocalyptic. Something happens to the men. They’re just like, “I need a woman”. Like, they all just start pacing like gorillas. Their eyes widen. It looks like they can only see by heat. They’re like, “What?” Like Predator. I see some dude in a full blackout just walking at me, like a zombie just pointing at his own dick. Like, “Here”. I’m like, “I’ll get us a cab”. I know I make it sound like I’m so slutty up here, but I’m… I’ve only been with four people, and that was a weird night. That’s my business. Oh, it doesn’t matter what you do, ladies. Every guy is gonna leave you for an Asian woman, and you know that. That’s right, I’m saying it in San Francisco, in the hotbed. In the hotbed. I get it. I can’t compete with an Asian chick. I can’t. They’re better. I’ve been thinking about this. I did the math. I know that’s their thing, but I did it. I’ve been thinking about it. I can’t win. How can I compete with an Asian chick? They’re smarter. They have naturally silky hair. This Jew denial took me, like, 40 minutes. They laugh like this ’cause they know men hate when women speak. They’re better. They’re just better. And how do they bring it on home for the win? Oh, the smallest vaginae in the game. I can’t compete with that. What do I have? What am I… I’ve got a B.A. in Theater and HPV. No one’s buying my stock. I am plummeting. I’m going to black guys. That’s what I’m trying to do. That’s what I’m doing, yeah. I’ve… I can’t believe I’ve never done it. I’m built for it. It seems weird I haven’t. Gotta go for the black guy. Have you ever… black guy? Yeah. She’s like, “Yeah”. She’s like, “Yes, look at my shirt. You know I fuck black guys”. How cute are you? You’re so cute. You’re hot. I’m not gay. I’ve caught a finger, but you get what I’m saying. Black guys are the future. Some chicks are scared. You know what they say, “Once you go black, your parents don’t talk to you anymore”. Something like that. I don’t know. I don’t know. Something, like, to that effect. But black guys… No, I want to do it. I almost did it last weekend. I was… like, after the show, I was standing out, and… and I was trying to sell my CDs, and people were like, “No, thanks”. And not even of my stand-up. Just, like, some shit I needed to get rid of, you know, like, the Forrest Gump soundtrack, just some Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott. I’m like, “I don’t need this”. But, no, this dude comes up to me, this black guy, and he was into it, ’cause, come on. And… he walks over, and he’s like, “I’m Derek”. And I was like, “Derek?” He’s like, “Derek”. And he had on, like, a nice shirt, and he had, like, a job. And I was like, “No, I want a brotha”. If I’m gonna do it, I wanna really do it, you know? Not Derek. I want him to, like, not even have a name, just like nicknames. Everyone’s like, “Pookie!” He’s like, “What’s up?” No job. We need, like, a ton of lube, but just, like, for his elbows. You know what I’m talking about? Oh, that was insanely racist? You’re right. You’re right. I love joking about race. It’s, like, my favorite. I was talking about this the other day. I was hanging outwith literally all my black friend. And… And… and I remember I was like, “Tamambe,” or whatever. Tapestry… it’s something wild, you know? It’s something crazy. I mean, that’s why they need Google in the delivery room, I think, right? It’s everywhere else. Why not there, right? So when her mom was like, I’m gonna name you “Tamambo”. Google would show up and say, “Did you mean Jennifer?” And her mom would be like, “Yes, Google, I did mean Jennifer. Thank you”. No, Tamambe. So I’m hanging out with Tapioca and… Tempura or something, and what was she saying? She… she was like, “Girl”. Like, I won’t do some racist impression, so don’t worry. But she was like, “Girl!” I mean, we were, like, mid-double Dutch, and… And I’m just like, “Stop yelling. We’re not at the movies”. Thank you. Thank you. I’m glad you guys laughed at that. That does not always work, I’ll be honest with you. I mean, nothing works 100% of the time, right? Except Mexicans. I’ve noticed… That’s the one? Boo! Right? Boo, Mexicans. I hear ya. You guys are preaching to the choir. So, ass play, you guys, what do you guys think? For or against? Every night? Okay. I’ve dealt with two kinds of guys when it comes to my personal asshole. There’s the kind of guy that never acknowledges it, right? Like, the whole time you’re together just never… which is awesome because who needs the extra maintenance? Can I get what-what, ladies? What-what! Thanks, sister friends. That guy’s awesome, right? You know what you’re getting with that guy. And then there’s the other kind of guy who goes for it immediately. Like, you’re not even fully kissing yet, and he’s trying to grab you like a bowling ball. You’re like, “No!” He’s like, “You said you like Jeff Dunham”. You’re like, “No!” You can’t trust those guys, all right? So I was dating the first kind of guy, no ass play. Like, the sex was very vanilla. There was no funny business, no dirty talk. If I sent him a naughty photo, he would just write back, “Thanks,” like I sent him a fax he needed. Like I had forwarded him an e-vite. So we were together for, like, years, and one night, out of nowhere, we’re at dinner, and he’s like, “I’d like to talk about something. I’d like to talk about ass play”. And I’m like, “Is that a Broadway show? “That show sounds awesome. Let’s go see that show”. And he’s like, “No, ass play”. And as I’m asking him questions, I realize he hasn’t thought it through at all. ‘Cause I was just like, “Do you mean on you or me?” And he was like, “Oh”. I was like, “Oh, Jesus, no”. This is not a brainstorm sesh here. Your PowerPoint, buddy. So that night, I was like, “I’m gonna call him on his bluff”. I don’t usually joke around in the bedroom, but I was like, “Fuck this guy”. So… I’m like, “This J.V. player is gonna get it from me,” so… So we’re, like, making out, and I’m just like, “Psst, where is all the ass play?” And like a frightened child, he goes, “Tonight?” And I’m like, “Uh-huh”. And he can’t think… he goes, “Well, did you shower?” I said, “I’m not gonna answer that, ’cause I’m not a homeless woman”. Just some schizophrenic with a cart like, “Wash me!” So he can’t think of any other way to stall, so this is what he does, okay? This is my asshole. This is his finger. He goes like this. And he holds it there, like he was checking it for a pulse. Like he thought a groundhog might pop out, and he’d have to Whac-A-Mole it. And then I fist him like you wouldn’t believe. He’s dead. Oh, God, you guys are awesome. I… seriously, sometimes that goes so awkward, and during a set, I just want to, like, tap out. I’ve had this image. Not like a wrestling tap-out, but just sort of soft-shoe out of the room in an awkward situation. Like, why can’t we do that? I was working at this club, and… I walked in the first night. And I realized at this club, there was a bathroom attendant. Have you ever been like, “Oh, dope, a bathroom attendant works here”. No, you’re like, “Ah, it’s awkward”. They hate you. You hate… you’re just like, “Oh, please”. Like, you know, it’s unnecessary. Are you ever peeing like, “How am I gonna leave here without a Starburst?” “I don’t like going without somebody listening”. No. I go in the bathroom the first night, and the bathroom attendant stops me at the door. And she’s like, “They’re all full right now, so you’re gonna have to wait a minute”. And I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, I know how bathrooms work”. Like, if she hadn’t said that, I was just gonna go rogue and start pounding on all the stalls, up and down with a shiv. “No!” Peeing in the sink. “I do what I want, bathroom attendant!” I come out. She hands me a paper towel. “Thank you. “If you hadn’t saved me, I would have just bled “and dripped like stigmata. Thank you”. So unnecessary. So, the last night I’m at this club, I go in the bathroom. She’s, like, facing the wall. So I’m like, “Oh, good”. I go right in the stall. And I’m not gonna say anything gross. But I’m in there just dropping a ton of heat, Just… massacring this bowl. Just… I’m texting people, like, “Am I dying?” It’s like, “Your sister’s a nurse”. Things like that. To a lot of my family, I just wrote, “Good-bye”. Like, whatever you’re picturing, like, triple it. I’m sorry. None of that happened. You guys, none of that happened. You two, you two, none of that happened. Hey, did you know there’s a show? Come on, you’re pretty. Just stop talking. No, I appreciate you supporting live comedy. No, none of that happened. I didn’t really… you guys… oh, my God, you guys, then just… what’s go… what are you guys talking about? What’s happening? Oh, you love me? It’s… It’s their anniversary. Oh, my God, do you remember that I don’t care? No, I’m just kidding. No, that’s exciting. How many years? I’m just kidding. I don’t care. I don’t care. No, I don’t care. No, do you guys care? No? Okay, sorry. Sorry, nobody cares. Nobody cares. No, but seriously, thank you guys so much for coming. Nobody cares. What’s your name? Erin. That was a test. Nobody cares, Erin. You guys are so cute. I’m sorry. Thank you for spending your anniversary with me. Mom, thank you. I’m sorry you have to sit next to your daughter when I’m talking about semen the whole time. Where do you stand on ass play, Mom? You’re good? Okay, you don’t want her to know, but you can’t get enough? Okay. You guys won’t forget this anniversary. What am I… what am I talking about? Like, what was I talking about before I just talked to you guys? Does anybody remember? Shitting. I love you guys. I fucking love this crowd. The sweetest voice too. “Shitting”. Oh, God, I wish that happened. Like, I wish I was able to… to do that. But I did, I just… she was facing the wall, and I’m like… I hear that she’s crying, so I’m like, “Excuse me. I’m about to wash my hands, so you… “you better get fucking ready.” No, she’s crying. No, I was like, “Well, what’s wrong? “Like, is it your choices? Like, what’s…” No, I asked her what was wrong, and she was like… she told me, she was like, “My dog died”. So I was like, “I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. “I’m gonna go get us some shots. “We’re gonna get weird in here tonight, okay? You and me”. And she goes, “it just really doesn’t feel like six years ago”. What do you say? I just looked right at her and just… What do you do? I found the owner, I was like, “She’s doing a ton of blow in there. You should get rid of her”. I… I’ve been really enjoying being on the road ever since the roast, because I’ve been on the road, like, for years, but… but people had no idea who I was, so they would see a picture of me, and they’d be like, “Oh, she looks sweet. “She kind of looks, like, Amish, you know? “Like… kind of Cabbage Patchy up top, right? “We should bring the family. I bet she talks about, like, shopping”. And then they get here, and I’m like, “My pussy…” but it’s way better now, ’cause, like, a lot of people saw that roast, and they just are like, “Oh, she’s, like, a bad person”. So that means you guys are dirtbags too, and I appreciate you coming out. You are bad people. Thank you, bad people. But I’ve been really lucky. Like, my whole life, I found friends just like me. Like, at a young age, I found girls that were just like me. Like, we were all whores. You know? Just little drunks running around. But in every group of girlfriends, there’s always, like, one that’s the sluttiest, you know? If you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend. Let’s be real. And it wasn’t me in my group of friends. Shocker was my nickname. But, no, in my group of friends… in my… the sluttiest of us was this girl Katie. And… we didn’t judge her for that. But she… she wouldn’t own it. Like as soon as she would have a boyfriend, she’d start acting like Mother Teresa, you know? She’d, like, walk different. She talked differently. Like, I remember one time she walked over with her new boyfriend, she was like, “Adam and I are thrilled you could join us for brunch”. I was like, “I’ve helped you get cum out of your hair”. “Remember, we tried using peanut butter ’cause we’re stupid, remember?” We didn’t talk about that at brunch with Adam. So she moved to Connecticut and, like, was getting married, and she had a wedding shower there. And I was the only friend from home that could go. So I met all of her new, fancy Connecticut friends. And, like, you know women like this. Like, these girls, they were all, like, very Stepford wife, you know? They all, like, wore, like, pastel cashmere cardigans and pearls and Burberry, like, tampons. And they all spoke like this, like almost in a whisper. Like, they all were… everybody just walked around whispering to each other. Like, “Oh, I guess we were just born “with different vocal cords ’cause I was raised better. Do you ski?” So I’m at this party, and I’m, like, mainlining chardonnay, trying to remember fun. Just like, “Why?” So one of the girls was like, “Let’s play a game”. And I’m like, “Suicide pact? I’ll go first. This party’s the worst”. And she goes, “No, let’s all go around and admit something”. And I’m like, “Oh, no”. So these girls are going around. They are… the shit they’re admitting is so boring. I can’t… like, one girl was like, “Once, I forgot to let the dog out all day!” And they were all like, “No!” I’m like, “Is this happening right now?” So the girl that goes right before me, Bridget, the worst human I’ve ever met. I hope she sees this. That’s how bad of a person she is. Like, Bridget, I hope you’re watching this. But she wouldn’t. She wouldn’t be up this late. She spoke the softest. You had to, like, lean in and squint and read her lips, ’cause she just… Bridget talked like an angel was sleeping on her tongue. # No one wake the angel # On my tongue That’s not a real song, Comedy Central. So, anyway, she’s like, “All right, you guys, it’s my turn. Bring it in”. And we’re like, “We’re in ’cause we have to be, ’cause you talk like Fievel”. Use your diaphragm, Bridge. So she’s like, “I’ll admit this. “Sometimes after Richard falls asleep, I get up and eat ice cream”. I just wanted to find one other pair of eyes being like, “What a dumb cunt, right?” But nothing. No one. They’re all looking at her like, “Bridget! You should be asleep”. “Bridget, it’s night. Carbs? Come on”. So then it’s my turn, and… I don’t look at my friend Katie. I just feel her just glaring at me, just like, “Don’t be yourself right now, bitch! This is my new life”. And so I’m like, “Okay… first of all, Bridget, thank you for being so brave”. “I’ll admit this. “It’s kind of like your ice cream thing. “One time I let a cab driver finger me”. And Katie’s like, “That’s not how you play, Amy”. I’m like, “Really? ‘Cause I feel like I won. I feel…” You guys, you were an amazing crowd. Thank you so much. I feel like this is what I would feel like, like, if I ever kept a baby. You know, like, this kind of joy. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Fuck, thank you. Oh! I want to jerk you all off, even the girls. Even the girls. Guys, thank you. I really, really appreciate it. I know you guys are thinking like, “What are you doing back out here?” And some of you were just thinking like, “You’re so pretty”. Thank all of you. But I wanted to come out and just sort of, like, give you an opportunity if anybody wants to ask a question, like, now it’s the time. It doesn’t have to be about my set. Yeah? What’s your name? And what… what actor are you? I’m Cubed. What? My name’s Cubed. Cubed? Does anybody different have a question? With a name that makes sense? No, I’m just kidding. What… what happened? Where… where are your parents from? What are you doing later? What am I doing later? Ooh, Cubed. Do you have HPV? Do you want it? I haven’t drank in two months, getting ready for this. So I’m gonna, like, black out. If anybody wants to get down with me, like, sexually, tonight is not the night. But, yes, I’m gonna tie one on. Anybody… yes, you, sir. What’s your name? – Rick. – Hi, Rick. I want to give you a standing I think we all should give you a standing ovation. This guy’s sad ’cause he’s wasted. You don’t have to… thank you. This is good for the camera. Wow. Thank you. Okay, okay. Thank you. That was… that was nice. A lot of people weren’t into it. Like, a lot of people got up and were just kind of, like… “Our reservations were, like, ten minutes ago. When’s this bitch gonna wrap it up?” Yes, you, gorgeous. Hi. Can I buy you a drink, possibly have a cocktail with you at some point? Ooh, this is awesome. You can definitely buy me a drink. I don’t… I’m not gay. I mean, I’ve caught a finger. I’m not boring. Trust me. But, yeah, I could totally see that happening. I don’t think that would be weird at all. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem too psyched, but he’s all fired up about Pride. Oh, yes, you. Hi. So… who is your comedy mentor? My comedy mentor. That’s a good question. I hang out with mostly 45-year-old dudes. Thank you. They’re all comedians. They’re alcoholics. Like, they don’t drink anymore ’cause they can’t, you know? And it makes sense, because, like, they look at me, and they’re just like, “Oh, my God”. Like, they think I’m so hot just ’cause I’m not their wives. I walk in, they’re like… # Who’s that girl? # I’m like, “What?” But out, like, you know, in the streets, people are just throwing lit cigarettes at me. They’re like, “Ugh, pass”. So, like, Dave Attell and Jim Norton. Right? And so… yeah, you gotta love those guys. Yeah… yes. – Of women… – Women. – Comics, who is your mentor? – Okay. Okay, well, Jessica Kirson was my mentor. Like, she’s in New York, and she’s amazing. And then… sort of where she left off, I just like… my mentor, like, those guys took me on the road to open for them a lot, so that’s why. But I grew up loving Gilda and Goldie Hawn, and I love Margaret Cho, and Sarah… Palin. I’m just kidding. You, sir. What’s your feeling on anal bleaching? Anal bleaching. I’m glad somebody brought this up. That’s a great question. Okay, so here’s how I feel about it. When I heard about it, I was just like, “Ew, everybody, chill out”. But then I looked at my own asshole, and I was like, “Whoa! “That looks like something out of the universe. Maybe we should hook that up”. But I still haven’t done anything. But I keep a low pro, butt-wise. You… I’m doing God’s work. I mean, am I healing people? Yes? What’s your favorite city? My favorite city? New York City… Yeah… Sorry, one girl’s like, “Boo”. I like Madison, Wisconsin. Nice. And I think Cleveland’s the worst. Yes, you, sir? Why is your sister here? Why is my sister here? You know what? I have no idea. I didn’t fly her in. She showed up. She shows up wherever I am. My sister is here because… she’s my best friend in the whole world, and I love her and trust her more than anyone. And I dedicate this show to her. And I want to thank my mom, who’s not a cunt at all. My mom… please clap for my mom. She’s not a cunt. But her bush was huge when I was growing up. That was true. Okay, yeah? Do you have to pee as bad as I do? Oh, okay, she has to pee, and she’s really pretty. So everyone’s, like, given her whatever she wants her whole life. I don’t have to pee at all. It’s pretty sweet. I feel, like, physically, real comfortable up here. I could hang out. If you don’t mind, I’m gonna do my 90-minute one-woman show now. Thank you. Thank you, Comedy Central, and thank you guys. Thank you. Oh, God, Dad died. When? I guess, like, today. Are you gonna talk about it onstage? Yeah. Yeah? You should open with it."
1686241603-77,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,BILL BURR: WHY DO I DO THIS (2008) – Testo italiano completo,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-i-2008-testo-italiano-completo/,"Va bene, grazie, grazie mille. Va bene, Gesù. Va bene, va bene. Sedetevi, sedetevi. Avremo di che parlare… Va bene, grazie, grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie. Va bene, va bene, grazie, grazie… Gesù Cristo! Distribuisci un po’ di biglietti omaggio e si presentano tutti. “Questo tizio spacca! Biglietti omaggio! Mi piace!” È bello essere di nuovo qui a New York. Non ho fatto un cazzo oggi. È vero. Sono uno sfigato, sono rimasto spaparanzato a guardare la TV. Lasciate che vi dica una cosa: sono stanco dei pedofili! Sì! I molestatori… Sono su ogni canale. Tutti hanno qualcosa da dire sui molestatori. L’ho capito. Ci sono persone, là fuori, che toccano i bambini. Ma non sono mica tutti! Si tratta di una porzione molto piccola della popolazione. Per cui abbassate i toni, perché state rendendo insopportabile la situazione lì fuori, cazzo. Non si possono più salutare i bambini. Io adoro i bambini. Io amo i bambini. Mi piace far loro delle smorfie in aereo, farli ridere. Ora i genitori pensano: “Per caso è un molestatore?”, e li nascondono. Mi fanno sentire un pervertito. Ora sono terrorizzato dai bambini. Una volta, quando un bambino camminava verso di te, potevi scompigliargli i capelli: “Ehi, piccolo, come stai?” Ora se un bambino cammina verso di me dico: “Amico! Porta via quella cosa! “Scherzi a parte, porta via quella cosa! “Le mie mani sono ben in vista, non sto toccando nulla, “per l’amor di Dio, porta via quella cosa!” Non voglio l’FBI od un tizio di ‘To catch a predator’ che mi dice: “Che stai facendo qui? Che stai facendo qui? No no, siediti!” Quello show, ‘To catch a predator’, è davvero una cattiva pubblicità per i bianchi. Gesù Cristo. Non potrebbero andare in un ghetto di tanto in tanto, e prendere un paio di R. Kelly che pisciano su di un bambino? Per bilanciare un po’ le cose. Ogni tizio che entra in quella casa deve assomigliarmi? “Sì, mi scoperò un bambino di 8 anni!” È incredibile. Tutti parlano di pedofili e quel tipo di cose. Forse ce ne sono di più al giorno d’oggi. Forse è più facile, grazie ad internet. Perché una volta dovevano impegnarsi, dovevano comprare un camion di gelati, dei ricoperti al cioccolato dovevano capire quando i bambini uscivano da scuola, scegliere un ritardatario… Ora basta andare su internet e cercare con Google “bambino di otto anni con i genitori che dormono”… È incredibile. Quand’è l’ultima volta che avete visto un bambino che si fa un giro in bici? Non vedrete mai più una scena del genere. Non vedrete mai più bambini che giocano in strada… I genitori li barricano in casa, oggigiorno. Continuano a dar loro da mangiare e loro diventano sempre più grassi. Cercano di renderli impossibili da scopare! Ecco perché vedete questi bambini obesi di 8 anni che ondeggiano in giro per la casa… Non si possono far salire in macchina. I pedofili, tendenzialmente, sono scheletrici, dovrebbero strozzarli con l’avambraccio e trascinarli… È solo una teoria, ragazzi, davvero. Non prendetela troppo seriamente. “Lo pensa davvero? Pensa che sia quello il motivo?” Ho visto il film Pride, recentemente. Voi l’avete visto? Riguarda la prima squadra di nuotatori composta da sole persone di colore, e le difficoltà che hanno dovuto affrontare, essendo la prima squadra di nuotatori composta da sole persone di colore. Lasciate che vi chieda una cosa. Quanti di quei film del genere “I bianchi sono malvagi” hanno intenzione di fare? Siamo arrivati fino al nuoto. Il mio senso di colpa bianco sta iniziando a scarseggiare. Il capostipite di questo filone cinematografico è stato Roots. Il senso di colpa bianco era al suo massimo storico. Feci fatica a vederlo: “Ho capito, i miei antenati erano malvagi. Puoi cambiare canale per piacere? “Li stanno ancora picchiando? Cazzo, cambia canale! “Manderanno in onda delle repliche per tutta la settimana? Gesù Cristo! Cambia canale!” Poi negli anni ’80 c’è stato quel film sul football, poi quello in cui Cuba Gooding voleva fare il sommozzatore, vi ricordate? Ed ora siamo arrivati al nuoto, e devo ammetterlo, non penso che me ne freghi un cazzo. Non voglio fare il coglione, ma è un’attività ricreativa. Sono stato in svariate piscine, c’erano persone di colore, e non ho mai visto un bianco che cercava di impedire alle persone di colore di entrare in piscina. Si stanno inventando tutto? Non voglio fare il coglione nemmeno in merito a questo argomento, ok? Giusto per chiarire. Non voglio che nessuno venga da me dopo lo show a dirmi: “Stavo pensando alla stessa cosa, e poi tu l’hai detta, cazzo!” Non sto dicendo che le persone di colore non dovrebbero essere autorizzate a mettere un costume e farsi un tuffo. In questi film i personaggi non sono credibili. Ci deve sempre essere il personaggio bianco esageratamente disinibito e razzista. È il tizio che dovrebbe rappresentare tutta la malvagità dei bianchi. È il tizio che urla durante il trailer del film. “Erano la prima squadra di nuotatori composta esclusivamente da persone di colore”. “Uscite dalla piscina!” Ha una grande vena sulla fronte… Urla stronzate senza neanche guardarsi intorno… È ridicolo. Il vero razzismo è silenzioso, è sottile. Le persone si guardano intorno, controllano che non ci sia nessuno in giro, piazzano un disclaimer: “Sai che non sono razzista, ma… “questo [nome di un etnia seguito da un ragionamento insulso]…” Ecco come funziona. Non si vedrà mai un tizio che urla: “Ci son dei negri in piscina! “Sei d’accordo? “Lavoro in banca, posso essere licenziato all’istante per cortesia?” Sto solo dicendo… Rendete quei film credibili. Sapete qual è la cosa più strana? Quei film stanno cominciando a crearmi un complesso. Perché ogni volta che fanno un film su un gruppo di persone che pensa stronzate ignoranti riguardo ad un altro gruppo di persone, sono sempre dei bianchi. Quindi, i bianchi sono gli unici che pensano stronzate ignoranti riguardo alle altre persone? Nessun ragazzo messicano si è mai avvicinato ad un indiano dicendo: “Amico, che cazzo è? Ti prude? Ti da fastidio?” I bianchi sono gli unici a dire: “Perché voi non mangiate le mucche? “Branco di froci! “E perché indossi dei sandali? Questo tizio indossa dei sandali. È un frocio!” Sto solo dicendo che… Dovreste bilanciare un po’ questi film: piazzateci alcune delle cattiverie che i neri dicono dei bianchi quando non siamo in zona. Quali sono alcuni esempi validi? Stai bazzicando in giro, hai avuto una giornata dura… Mettete alcuni dei classici. Puzziamo come cani bagnati, giusto? Siamo pidocchiosi o qualcosa di simile… Inserite un po’ di quei luoghi comuni… – Esci dalla piscina! – Lavati le mani, figlio di troia! Fatelo sembrare un po’ più… Siamo arrivati fino al nuoto. Quale sarà il passo successivo, cazzo? Cosa farete? Un film sul ping-pong? “Erano la prima squadra di ping-pong composta esclusivamente da persone di colore”. “Ruberanno le racchette!” “Mia figlia non sta giocando a ping-pong!” “Devi andare là fuori e dimostrare all’uomo bianco che lo puoi battere a ping-pong!” Non so, è sempre strano parlare di questi argomenti… Non sto dicendo che i bianchi non siano malvagi. So che siamo malvagi. La malvagità è parte di me. È vero, riesco a sentirla. Ecco perché cerco di sopprimerla. Cerco di vestire in maniera informale. Dico sul serio. Ho provato un completo, l’altro giorno, e l’ho sentita salire: “Fanculo, voglio conquistare qualcosa! “Voglio iniziare a dire alla gente cosa fare. “Voglio andare a inquinare un lago per poi dare la colpa alla mia segretaria”. Non mi piacciono neanche i film in cui bianchi e neri vanno d’accordo. Anche quelli mi sembrano ridicoli. Deve sempre esserci una sorta di lezione in quei film… “Non c’avevo mai pensato prima!” Perché non succede mai! Ogni volta che sono uscito con un nero, in nessun momento della serata ha cercato di insegnarmi a ballare. Quel momento interrazziale alla Footloose, che devono sempre piazzare in quel genere di film. E io non vado mai nel suo quartiere a cercare di salvare una scuola. Quante volte faranno ancora quel film? Un bianco che va nei ghetti, deve cambiare le cose… Hanno appena fatto di nuovo quel film. Con chi era? Hilary Swank? C’è nemmeno il bisogno di andare a vederlo? Fatemi indovinare: si presenta nel ghetto, e non la accettano. Poi va a casa e piange sulla spalla del suo ragazzo effeminato che indossa una tuta e sta cucinando, per qualche motivo. E lui la convince a provare un’ultima volta. Allora torna laggiù, inizia a far crescere la sua bellezza interiore, le mettono una bandana in testa e lei inizia a ballare, cazzo, ed è semplicemente imbarazzante per tutte le razze coinvolte. Per l’amor di Dio, smettetela di fare quel film, cazzo! Impiegando il tempo perso per fare quel film, avrei potuto conoscere un bianco che l’ha fatto sul serio. “Quello è Mike. Già, salva i ghetti. Eh, è quello che fa. “Io rimango spaparanzato a guardare ‘SportsCenter’ mentre lui è nei ghetti ogni weekend”. Sta scrivendo il suo nome sulla lavagna: “Il mio nome è Michael… “Chi l’ha lanciato? Chi l’ha lanciato?” Diventa fastidioso dopo un po’. E i problemi si risolvono sempre, ogni volta che il bianco va nei ghetti. Voglio vedere un film in cui le cose non funzionano. Il bianco va nel ghetto e durante il primo giorno viene picchiato a sangue, e se ne va sconsolato: “Queste persone non si possono aiutare, cazzo! “Vai lì, tenti di fare qualcosa di bello… Non mi hanno nemmeno avvertito. “Ecco la prescrizione per gli antidolorifici!” L’altro giorno ho visto una cosa che non vedevo da molto tempo. Ho visto un cane con le palle. Ve li ricordate? Non ne vedevo uno dalla fine degli anni ’90. Ero seduto e pensavo: “I cani erano soliti avere le palle, adesso me lo ricordo!” Davi gomitate ai tuoi amici: “Ehi, guardate quelle palle!” e tutti ridevano. Ad un certo punto è diventato socialmente accettabile tagliare le palle del tuo cane indipendentemente dal fatto che stesse creando problemi o meno, adducendo delle motivazioni infondate tipo: “Se non lo facciamo scoperà un altro cane, “nasceranno altri cani, e che ne faremo di tutti questi cani? “Non avranno una casa. Che cosa faremo?” Mi piace quella domanda: “Che cosa faremo?” Sono animali, basta lasciarli andare. Non avranno alcun problema. Hanno zanne, artigli, formeranno dei branchi, limiteranno il problema dell’obesità in questo paese. Esci barcollando da un fast food ed un branco di rottweiler inizia ad inseguirti, sei costretto a correre fino al tuo SUV e ad entrare dal finestrino in stile ‘Hazzard’… Sono un fautore delle palle dei cani! È vero. Non penso che ci sia nulla di sbagliato. I cani dovrebbero poter scopare chi vogliono. È ridicolo.
 Io volevo un cane. Morivo dalla voglia di avere un cane, e subito la mia ragazza mi disse: “Se vogliamo un cane, dobbiamo farlo sterilizzare”. – Perché dovremmo farlo sterilizzare? – È ciò che bisogna fare! – Non sei una veterinaria! – Nemmeno tu! “Bene, allora è una situazione di stallo. Nessuno di noi sa di che cazzo sta parlando, “per cui evitiamo di asportare parti dell’animale!” Naturalmente, in quanto femmina, doveva dimostrare che avessi torto. Ha preso un libro… “Ok. Vedi? Lo dice proprio qui: “se fai sterilizzare il tuo cane, ha meno probabilità di essere aggressivo. Ok? “No, ascolta. Sei proprio uno stronzo. Ascolta! “Poi dice che è meno probabile che rovini i mobili”. Le dissi: “Tesoro, quando eravamo bambini, avevamo un cane. Aveva le palle. “Ok, certo, di tanto in tanto ti scopava la gamba, “ma in genere bazzicava in giro, chiedeva del cibo, quando tornavo a casa era contento di vedermi… “Non indossava un impermeabile per potersi masturbare! “Ha vissuto per 15 anni senza incidenti, ed aveva le palle. “Nessuna molestia sessuale, niente di niente”. Penso che sia strano che gli uomini tentino di controllare la popolazione animale. Ogni volta che la popolazione dei cervi cresce eccessivamente, un tizio va in TV e dice: “Allora, la popolazione dei cervi è di circa 1.700, 1.800 unità. “Realisticamente, abbiamo bisogno di ridurre quel numero di circa 300 unità, va bene? “A partire domani, se avete una pistola, sparate loro in faccia, cazzo! Sono seduto sul divano e penso: “I cervi cosa stanno facendo di così deleterio per l’ambiente?” “Mangeranno tutta l’erba, cazzo! “Arriveranno fino agli alberi, e poi li rosicchieranno!” I cervi non sono la causa del buco dell’ozono, va bene? Non sono stati i cani ad intasare le autostrade. Siamo stati noi, giusto? Possiamo scopare quanto vogliamo. Nessuno la smetterà. Puoi avere 15 figli ed un 16esimo in arrivo, nessuno andrà in TV a dire: “Va bene, Paul sta ancora scopando! “A partire da domani, se avete una pistola, sparategli in faccia, cazzo! “Fate quello che dovete fare, quel tizio è fuori controllo!” No, è fantastico. È fantastico. Puoi continuare a scopare, mettendo al mondo un inutile, mediocre, incapace bambino dopo l’altro. Non capisco quella gente: non ti rendi conto dopo il tuo terzo bambino sfigato di non avere il DNA adatto per procreare qualcuno di speciale? Che cazzo fai? Stai solo creando gente che guarda per aria e che ti intralcia mentre cammini sul marciapiede, o il tizio che ogni volta in cui andate in gastronomia è davanti a voi e non sa quel che vuole… “Uh, che tipo di pane è?” Smettetela di far nascere gente del genere, cazzo! Gesù Cristo, quel tizio è ovunque. È per questo che amo le persone anziane. Ti mostrano sempre le loro foto di famiglia, mi fa troppo ridere. Sono orgogliosissimi: “Abbiamo cinque figli, che a loro volta hanno cinque figli a testa”. “Già, e nessuno di voi ha fatto un cazzo nella vita! “Non riconosco nessuno in quella foto. “Hai generato 30 persone che fanno una cagata che finisce in un fiume ogni giorno. “Non è una foto di famiglia. È un disastro ambientale, e tu l’hai incorniciato”. Questa è la mia soluzione per il riscaldamento globale. Tutti stanno parlando di auto e petrolio, ma non sono quelli i problemi. Ci sono troppe persone che lo fanno. Se vuoi aiutare l’ambiente smettila di scopare. Cioè, non smettere di scopare, ma almeno tiralo fuori prima di venire. Puoi comunque divertirti, giusto? Ma devi smettere di guardare i bambini come se fossero cose carine: non lo sono. Sono carini, ma la maggior parte di loro crescerà e finirà per diventare un altro coglione in un SUV che non va sufficientemente avanti in un incrocio. Ora devi aspettare che il semaforo diventi verde di nuovo per girare a sinistra, e tu stai impazzendo, urlando al parabrezza, per colpa di questo tizio che non aveva bisogno di esistere. Non c’è ragione per cui quel ragazzo debba esistere, eppure è lì. Non lo so… Questo è il mio piano. Dovremmo rendere i bambini illegali per i prossimi 25/30 anni. Non sarebbe fantastico? Pensateci. Tre persone nascono ogni secondo, mentre una sola persona muore. Quindi se non sta nascendo nessuno qualcuno è appena morto, giusto? Qualcuno è appena caduto dalle scale. Qualcuno è appena inciampato su di uno skateboard. E sapete che succede? L’autostrada improvvisamente si svuota, cazzo. Arrivi al lavoro un po’ prima, sei di buon umore… Bisogna far scendere la popolazione a 30.000 persone. Un mondo con 30.000 persone sarebbe una figata. Si gioca il Superbowl? Tutti possono andare allo stadio. Tutti possono andarci. Ci sono 22 giocatori in campo: le probabilità di giocare nella NFL sono pazzesche. Anche se sei scarso puoi comunque placcare qualcuno sui punts, oppure essere un wedge breaker, o il tizio che regge l’indicatore del down. “Già, anch’io sto facendo qualcosa, cazzo!” Non avresti bisogno di riciclare i rifiuti. Se ci fossero 30.000 persone al mondo, tutti potrebbero guidare il proprio carro armato. Potresti guidare un carro armato, gettando rifiuti tossici dalla torretta. Potresti sparare in testa ad un’aquila calva: “Eh, ce ne sono un sacco! “Stanno ricoprendo di guano il mio carro armato! Cos’altro potevo fare, cazzo?” Ascoltate, gente. Io non leggo, ok? Seriamente. Non mi documento su niente di ciò che dico. Ma fra tutte le stronzate di cui parlo, penso che questo discorso sia davvero sensato. Sto eliminando persone ma nessuno deve morire. Smettetela di fare… Diventeremo come la Cina. Sono oltre un miliardo, sono stracolmi. Ogni giorno è come stare in metro. Devi stare in piedi, non puoi nemmeno addormentarti. Sono stracolmi. Non ci avete mai pensato? Prima di tutto, quant’è facile farla franca dopo aver commesso un reato in Cina? Se rubi il portafoglio a qualcuno non hai nemmeno bisogno di scappare: ti basta tornare in mezzo alla folla. Il tizio urla: “Qualcuno ha appena rubato il mio portafoglio! “È proprio lì! È proprio lì! “Ha i capelli neri, è alto 1 e 65 ed è vestito come i tizi de Le iene, è proprio lì!” È lì che siamo diretti. Quanti altri centri commerciali si possono costruire? Posti dove comprare ciambelle e dove la gente si sistema le unghie. Tutti sono eccitati… “Questa zona è davvero carina!” Le persone stanno scopando e stanno costruendo altri edifici del cazzo. Devo mettere la testa a posto. Sono davvero ad un punto critico della mia vita. È vero, dico sul serio. Sono uno psicopatico, cazzo. Me ne sono reso conto. Non sono sposato, e sto per arrivare a quell’età critica in cui dovrò scegliere una strada. O mi sposerò, o diventerò il vecchio raccapricciante che bazzica nei bar, coi peli del petto rossi che fanno capolino… Sul serio, non so cosa c’è di sbagliato in me. Penso di essere rimasto single troppo a lungo, sono brutale. C’è un punto cruciale quando si rimane single troppo a lungo, cioè quando il cervello passa da: “Meglio non dirlo” a: “Fanculo, dillo, vediamo che succede!” E una volta attraversata quella linea la malvagità che salta fuori… Penso che le donne siano fantastiche. Non voglio che pensiate che io le odii, So di essere uno psicopatico, ma penso che siano implacabili. Ogni giorno ti stanno addosso. Si svegliano, hanno un programma della giornata, sono come dei robot psicopatici che non finiscono mai le batterie, e ogni giorno… Continuano a starti addosso! E devi averci a che fare ogni singolo giorno! Ogni giorno, sono come onde che colpiscono una spiaggia e che erodono un po’ della tua vita. Centimetro dopo centimetro. “Perché esci con lui? Beve troppo!” “Dove hai comprato questo? È brutto, buttalo via!” Finché un giorno stai galleggiando nel bel mezzo di una laguna con le tue figurine del baseball, e gesticoli ai tuoi amici sulla riva: “Prendetemi i biglietti! Mi piace ancora lo sport! “Eccola che arriva. Ehi, tesoro, come stai?” Sto cercando di imparare a scegliere le mie battaglie con la mia ragazza. Ero solito litigare sempre. Sto cercando di imparare a scegliere le battaglie. Alcuni giorni, ti stanno addosso, devi lasciar stare e seguirle in qualsiasi stronzata vogliano fare. “Facciamo un picnic! Facciamo un picnic!” In certi casi devi opporre resistenza, creare una barriera su cui rimbalzino, in modo da indirizzare quell’energia psicopatica in un’altra direzione, e guadagnare un paio d’ore di libertà prima che rimbalzino da qualche parte e ricomincino a starti addosso… “Vai a trovare i miei!” Sono implacabili. Non la smettono mai, e non hanno alcun motivo per smetterla. Sapete perché? Perché non si può picchiarle! È quello il motivo. Pensateci. Non ci sono conseguenze fisiche se fai cazzate e sei una donna. Sapete quanto farei il coglione se fosse socialmente inaccettabile picchiarmi a sangue? Romperei i coglioni a chiunque! Se vedessi qualche energumeno gli farei cadere il frullato di proteine… “Fanculo!” Ma non posso farlo, giusto? Ogni uomo ha una linea, e se supera quella linea gli arriva un cazzotto in faccia. Totalmente accettabile. Ma per le donne la linea non esiste. Possono continuare a starti addosso… Possono fare cose meritevoli di un suplex e rimanere sul luogo del delitto. Non hanno nemmeno la decenza di scappare. Danno alle fiamme i tuoi vestiti… “Tadà! Sono stata io! “Già! E sono così fiera del mio lavoro “che sono rimasta in zona per vedere la tua reazione. “Ho invitato un paio di amici per prenderti per il culo “mentre tenti di spegnere le fiamme a piedi nudi”. Se ti rigano l’auto ci mettono la firma: “È stata Suzie!” “Posso almeno farle una headlock?” No, mi dispiace che le donne non possano provare quella sensazione. Dovreste picchiarvi l’una con l’altra, una volta ogni tanto. Così, dal nulla, tirare un pugno in faccia ad una vostra amica. Vi farà bene. Lo so, fa male. Non puoi sentire il naso, le tue orecchie fischiano, ma vi sgombrerà la mente, così sarete costrette a valutare voi stesse. Giuro su Dio, ogni volta che ho preso un pugno in faccia mi sono sempre incazzato, ma ad un certo punto durante il ritorno a casa ho sempre pensato: “Mi son comportato da coglione! “Adesso che ci penso, probabilmente non avrei dovuto dire quell’ultima stronzata!” Così fate quella sistemazione… “Questo tizio è uno stronzo. Non posso credere che abbia detto…”. A dir il vero la mia ragazza mi diede un pugno in faccia a San Valentino, qualche anno fa. Già. Volete sentire questa storia? È fantastica. Ecco quanto sono coglione. Posso addirittura dire ad una ragazza che la amo, darle un regalo, e in qualche modo, alla fine della serata, lei mi prende comunque a pugni. Non ricordo cos’è successo. Lei ha detto qualche cazzata, io ho detto altre cazzate, lei ha detto ancora cazzate, al che ho detto: “Fanculo, adesso faccio la giocata!” Ho detto l’ultima cazzata, in un attimo lei è volata fino a me, coi pugni chiusi. E in un primo momento lei mi colpì in questa zona. Il che è accettabile, giusto? È una vacanza, non roviniamola, cazzo! Devo ammetterlo, stavo bloccando la maggior parte dei pugni in un primo momento, facevo la ‘Rope-a-dope’, mi appoggiavo, le afferravo la testa, la spingevo, dicendo stronzate, cercando di stancarla… E poi, tutto ad un tratto, lei ha mirato in alto, cazzo. BAM! E mi ha colpito proprio sulla tempia. La cosa che fa più male, non è il fatto che mi abbia colpito, ma che, dopo avermi colpito, non ha avuto nemmeno la decenza di mettersi in guardia, come se potesse succedere qualcosa. Sapeva che non sarebbe successo nulla. È contro le regole. Quindi non solo mi ha colpito in faccia, ha iniziato ad urlarmi in faccia come se fosse un lottatore della UFC, indicandomi… Oh, è stato brutale. Poi ha iniziato a rompere alcuni oggetti. Ovviamente erano tutti miei, ed io ero fermo lì: “Ok, non la guardare negli occhi, rimani immobile, lascia che si calmi. “Fantastico. Sono dei ricordi del liceo che significavano molto per me, evidentemente non per te. “È divertente. Se facessi una cosa del genere ci sarebbe un poliziotto con un ginocchio piantato sulla mia schiena “ma evidentemente hai una vagina, quindi non ci son problemi. “Devo star fermo qui “mentre tu rompi tutte le mie cose”. Dev’essere colpa mia. Litigo troppo spesso. Ho litigato con una ragazza l’altro giorno. Avete mai conosciuto qualcuno, che appena dopo avervi incontrato, pensa di sapere tutto di voi? “Sai qual è il tuo problema?” E voi avreste una gran voglia di prendere la loro testa e ficcarla in quel che stanno mangiando e tenerla schiacciata lì per un secondo, e sentire il panico nella parte posteriore della testa mentre le bolle d’aria diventano sempre meno frequenti? Avete mai pensieri strani come quello? Pensieri violenti e casuali… Volevo dare una gomitata in faccia ad una vecchietta l’altro giorno. È stato incredibile. Giuro su Dio. Stavo per scendere da un aereo. Conoscete le regole. Quando si scende dall’aereo, si scende fila dopo fila. E questa signora deve aver pensato: “Ho 90 anni, posso superare tutti!” Così ha cominciato ad ondeggiare intorno a me. Io sono competitivo e mi son fatto valere. Stavo prendendo il mio bagaglio, giuro su Dio, in questo modo. Stavo occupando l’intera navata, e tutto ad un tratto…”Faccio il giro”, ed ha iniziato ad ondeggiare intorno a me, e il mio gomito ha pensato: “Non fai niente a riguardo? “È un tiro a porta vuota. Basta darle un colpo rapido, non se ne accorgerà! “Lei cadrà a terra, tu potrai camuffare…”. Ma non l’ho fatto. Ho tenuto il mio corpo sotto controllo: “Non posso farlo! Sarebbe sbagliato!” Credevo di essere in controllo, ma mentre mi stava superando ho sentito il mio piede che pensava: “Possiamo farla inciampare!” Sempre così… Non l’ho fatto. Qualcuno ha appena emesso un gemito. Non l’ho fatto! Non pensate mai a stronzate del genere? Non vi capita mai di camminare per strada e vedere qualcuno in cima ad una scala, e vi vien voglia di agitarla? Senza alcun motivo… Di veder persone che mangiano su un tavolino all’aperto divertendosi… e di aver voglia di buttar via tutto il loro cibo? È tutto quello che sto dicendo. È tutto quello che sto dicendo. Era uno di quei momenti. Questa ragazza mi stava infastidendo. Stava mangiando qualcosa, ed ho immaginato di ficcarle la faccia nel piatto. Va bene, questo è fondamentalmente quel che è successo. Ha cercato di dire che ero omofobo. Penso che sia una stronza, e questa è la storia. Eravamo andati in una tavola calda. Avevamo appena finito di mangiare ed eravamo usciti. Stavo guardando per terra, e quando ho alzato la testa c’erano questi due tizi che ci davano dentro. E non ero pronto, cazzo. Ecco tutto. Non ero pronto. Se noleggio Brokeback Mountain, o se sto camminando nel Village, posso preparare il mio cervello per quello che potrei vedere, ma non ero pronto, cazzo. Avevo appena mangiato delle patatine fritte. Stavo pensando: “Ah, devo andare in palestra”. Stavo pensando ai fatti miei, e quando ho alzato lo sguardo questi due tizi, di cui un barbuto, ci stavano dando dentro. per cui appena ho visto la scena ho detto: “Bleah!” ed ho distolto lo sguardo. Questo è tutto quello che ho fatto. Molto velocemente. E questa ragazza mi guardò schifata: “Oh mio Dio, che hai? Sei omofobo?” “No, non sono omofobo. Non ho alcun odio in quell’area”. “E allora cos’era quel gesto?” “Era solo una cosa visiva”. – Cosa stai dicendo? – Mettila in questo modo. “La prima volta che ho visto un porno avevo 14 anni. “Non avevo idea di che cosa fosse la pecorina, “ma il secondo in cui l’ho vista, il mio cervello pensò:’Questa è una bomba!’ “Voglio farlo, cazzo. Prima o poi convincerò una donna a farlo con me!” Il mio cervello approvava, il mio cazzo era duro: tutto conveniva nel dire che quella fosse una cosa meravigliosa, pur non avendo idea di cosa fosse. Per la stessa ragione, se in qualsiasi momento durante quel porno, qualcuno avesse iniziato a baciare i piedi di qualcuno, o a succhiare le dita dei piedi, mi avrebbe fatto schifo! Ma questo non significa che io odio i piedi e non li voglio nel mio quartiere. Significa solo che non mi piacciono quelle cose. Vale lo stesso discorso per i gay. Non c’è odio nel mio cuore verso i gay. Sono simpatici, sono divertenti, generalmente sono puliti. Ho un sacco di cose positive da dire sul loro conto. Se si trasferiscono nel tuo quartiere il valore degli immobili sale, perché lo rendono favoloso. Non si possono riprodurre, così non creano altra gente che si piazza in mezzo ai coglioni. Sono meravigliosi per l’ambiente. Dio li benedica. Ma fino a dove può spingersi il politicamente corretto? Guardando una cosa che sta facendo pensare al mio cervello: “Guarda da un’altra parte, cazzo!” dovrei far finta di niente ed invece tifare per la loro relazione: “Whooo! Palpagli il culo! “Strofina le dita tra i suoi peli del petto!” È ridicolo. Volete dirmi che nessun gay camminando per strada e vedendo due etero che limonavano abbia mai pensato: “Oddio, perché?” E se ne sia andato schifato. Non puoi farci niente.​ ​Dipende da come il cervello è cablato, giusto? Il suo pensa: “Patata? Bleah!” Il mio invece pensa: “Cazzo? Bleah!” Ma non c’è odio in questo. Non riuscivo proprio a spiegarlo a questa tizia, cazzo. “Sei omofobo”. Ecco un altro esempio: avete mai visto un tizio enorme che mangia un panino? E che poi si sporca con un po’ di senape sull’angolo della bocca? Guardate da un’altra parte, cazzo. Ma questo non significa che volete che si soffochi col panino e che volete chiamare un gruppo di amici per picchiarlo a sangue, giusto? Qualsiasi cosa su cui posi la bocca è la cosa più intima al mondo, giusto? Non c’è una via di mezzo. È o “Sì!”, o “Fanculo!” Non c’è una via di mezzo… “Beh… Palle!” E vi inserite nella situazione. Quando guardi un porno, ci sono un tizio ed una tizia, ma tu non guardi il tizio. Anche se è proprio lì, guardi solo la ragazza, pensando: “Esatto! Ecco cosa le farei anch’io!”, giusto? Ma se si togliesse la ragazza, e ci fosse solo un ragazzo che scopa l’aria penseresti: “Questa roba è orribile!” Per cui quando sto guardando due tizi che si baciano, è una situazione di stallo. Non posso inserirmi in quella situazione. Non è orribile, vero? Significa che sono pazzo? Sapete cosa mi piace di questa battuta? L’avete capita dopo il primo esempio, ma ho sentito comunque il bisogno di farvene altri 58. Devo mettere la testa a posto. Ecco il problema. Dovrei tornare di nuovo a fare terapia. Non riesco proprio a fare terapia. Ci ho provato… Quando comincio a raccontare le mie storie inizio a ridere, cazzo. E poi lo psicologo mi guarda perplesso. – Dai, è divertente! – No, è orribile! Stava cercando di farmi abbattere le barriere… Finalmente, durante una sessione di terapia, cominciai ad emozionarmi un po’, e poi, tutto ad un tratto, egli mi disse: “Va bene, respira…”. E in un secondo il mio cervello pensò: “Che imbecille!” e le barriere si sono formate nuovamente. Non so, forse sto solo lottando. Forse questo è ciò che sono. Mi piacciono le Corvette. Forse dovrei iniziare a raggranellare un po’ di soldi? Non pensate mai a queste cose? Non so come facciate a rimanere sposati. So che avete la felice foto di famiglia. Ci avete mai pensato? Chiudere la testa nella porta del garage, entrare in coma, tutto felice… Ok, evidentemente questo è un pubblico felice. Sono l’unico che pensa queste cose? Va bene. Mi piacciono le cose assurde. Mi piace quando succedono cose pazze, tipo negli sport. Amo guardare lo sport. Amo tutte le cose in cui la gente bara, tipo con gli steroidi. Sono pro-steroidi. Non me ne frega un cazzo. Non me ne frega un cazzo sul serio. Non so cosa stia facendo Barry Bonds, ma qualsiasi cosa stia facendo, spero che continui a farla. Spero che diventi un grande muscolo pettorale con una mazza che spunta fuori. e continui a spedire palline fuori campo. Chi se ne fotte? La gente bara fin dall’inizio. Guardavo il baseball negli anni ’70. La metà dei giocatori tirava bamba. Non credete che aiutasse a vedere la palla un po’ meglio? Sei concentrato a livelli assurdi: “Posso vedere ogni cucitura della pallina! È una palla curva! Adesso la mando fuori campo!” Al 12esimo inning sei ancora bello pimpante: “Quella polvere è pazzesca!” Mi piacciono tutte quelle cose. Mi piace quando la gente cade dalla tribuna superiore, quando gli atleti prendono a pugni persone sugli spalti… Voglio dire, il divertimento è quello per me. Mi piace quel momento ‘Jimmy il greco’ che accade nello sport. Una volta ogni quattro o cinque anni, un 50/55enne bianco cerca di spiegare perché i neri facciano il culo ai bianchi in praticamente ogni sport di rilievo. Succede sempre la stessa cosa. Ci sono tre tizi bianchi, e quello in mezzo è quello che ha una teoria: “A quanto pare questi atleti afro-americani, “sembra che abbiano questa rapida contrazione, “della fibra muscolare. C’è una contrazione lenta ed una contrazione rapida…”. Ed appena lo dice, gli altri due tizi bianchi escono dal campo visivo della telecamera: “Ok, sta per essere licenziato, ed io non voglio far parte di questo highlight. “È stato bello conoscerti, Ned”. E il tizio nel mezzo naviga con decisione verso il licenziamento. Comincia a tirar fuori la schiavitù. “Evidentemente, se gli uomini più forti procreano “con le donne più forti, rapida contrazione, bla bla bla”. Letteralmente venti minuti più tardi, quel tizio è in TV, ed è già stato licenziato. Sta piangendo. La sua famiglia è lì. Ha una scatola con gli oggetti della sua scrivania con un Emmy che spunta fuori. “Non so quel che ho detto. Stavo solo parlando della contrazione veloce e della contrazione lenta, “stavo solo cercando di fare un ragionamento”. Adoro quelle cose. Mi piace vedere la gente che rovina la propria carriera in quel modo. È divertente. In più, devo ammetterlo, in quanto bianco, a qualche livello, devo credere a questa teoria, perché… I bianchi sono davvero così scarsi a basket? Non riesco più nemmeno a guardare la N.B.A. In ogni highlight, il bianco è messo così mentre il nero gli agita i coglioni in faccia. Sono seduto a casa, pensando: “Per l’amor di Dio, stendi quel tizio! “Gesù Cristo, togliti di mezzo. “Non ti sei ancora stancato di quei due coglioni che volano sopra la tua testa? “Sai che andrai su ‘Sport Center’, togliti di mezzo!” Ci deve essere qualcosa di vero in quella teoria. Ho visto in TV un programma sugli schiavi fuggiaschi. È stato uno dei programmi più belli che abbia mai visto in vita mia. Quando uno schiavo fuggiva, non bastava che corresse fino al cancello per poter dire: “Fanculo a quel lavoro” ed iniziare a camminare tranquillamente. Doveva percorrere interi stati, con dei cani che lo inseguivano, saltando ostacoli, nuotando… Quelli erano i primi triatleti, cazzo! Non c’era nessuno ad aiutarli. Non c’era un tizio sul lato della strada che diceva: “Andiamo! Ancora due stati e sei in Ohio. Bevi. Dai che ce la fai!” Ti dovevi arrangiare. C’è da meravigliarsi? 250/300 anni di quelle cose, e io dovrei far meglio di voi in educazione fisica? Non può accadere. Io discendo da centinaia di anni di alcolisti. Ho mezzo fegato… Sapete cos’è divertente secondo me? So che quella teoria è pazza, ma non si può dire quanto le persone di colore siano brave negli sport. Tutti si sentono a disagio, ed io non capisco il perché, visto che è un complimento. Sentite il disagio che c’è nell’aria adesso. Da quando ho iniziato questo ragionamento… Sto dicendo qualcosa di positivo, giusto? Ho visto un allenatore cacciarsi nei guai per quel motivo. La sua squadra perdeva sempre. Non riuscivano a vincere, e ogni settimana la stampa gli metteva sempre più pressione. Il tizio era agitato ed ebbe un momento di onestà. “Perché non riuscite a vincere nemmeno una partita?” Lui disse: “L’attacco non segna, la difesa è troppo lenta… “Dobbiamo ingaggiare più neri in questa squadra”. E subito tutti: “Che cosa, che cosa?” Tutti impazzirono, come se non avessero idea di ciò che quel tizio stava dicendo. Guardate ‘Sport Center’? Avete visto le olimpiadi? Io amo i 100 metri piani. Ci son sempre nove tizi neri, ed un pesce fuor d’acqua bianco in corsia otto. Ed io penso: “Andiamo amico, una volta. Solo una volta. “Vinci il bronzo. Fai quel che devi fare”. E il tizio bianco rimane sempre con loro fino alla prima curva. Poi gli esplode un ginocchio. Gli altri otto tizi neri volano fino al traguardo… Dov’è quel tizio alle prossime olimpiadi? È nella cabina di commento. La sua carriera è finita. Fa il commentatore: “Sì, sarà una grande gara. “Ancora non riesco a sentire le mie dita dei piedi”. Non capisco. È un complimento. Sto dicendo che sei veloce. Questa è una cosa positiva, giusto? La gente si arrabbia: “Parli come se fosse tutto ciò che possiamo fare. Stai dicendo che non possiamo essere scienziati”. Non è vero. Sto solo dicendo che se ci fosse una gara verso il microscopio, voi stronzi vincereste. Sto dicendo che siete veloci. Arrivereste prima. Il vostro camice svolazzerebbe nel vento… Io arriverei tre minuti più tardi, con crampi ovunque… “Cosa stai guardando, batteri? No, vai tu per primo. Gesù Cristo! “Quel tizio è una Volvo con le scarpe da ginnastica! Non avevo mai visto niente del genere!”. Litigo sempre su questi argomenti. Sempre. I miei amici mi chiedono: “Perché ogni volta che un atleta nero fa qualcosa, dicono che è una mossa atletica, ed ogni volta che un atleta bianco fa qualcosa dicono che è una mossa intelligente?” Il ragionamento è corretto. Dipende da quello che han fatto. Se anticipi le mosse della difesa, bianco o nero, è una mossa intelligente, Ma se stacchi i piedi da terra sulla linea del tiro libero, salti nove tizi e schiacci quei nove tizi non stanno pensando: “Cazzo, perché non ci ho pensato prima? “Io cerco di dribblare gli avversari”. Stanno pensando: “È un supereroe! “Dovrebbe avere un mantello svolazzante nel vento, con una grande S sul petto…”. Ve lo dico io, è la cosa buffa di Hitler. Lasciatemi finire. Lasciate che vi spieghi questa mia idea. La mia clip sportiva preferita è quella con Jesse Owens. La amo, perché tutte le loro teorie erano una cazzata. Ha fatto sì che Hitler se ne andasse nel terzo quarto. Ha abbassato il suo indice ed è uscito dallo stadio, cazzo. Gesù Cristo. Continuavano a dire: “Creeremo una razza superiore!” Penso che per sbaglio l’abbiamo già fatto. Abbiamo inviato un gruppo selezionato di persone in palestra ogni giorno per un paio di centinaia d’anni. Sta pagando i dividendi. Ci schiacciano in testa ogni giorno, cazzo. Quant’è stato silenzioso quel ritorno a casa in limousine con Hitler? Di sicuro era esaltato quando stavano andando allo stadio. Era tutto gasato… “Domineremo ogni gara! Sieg heil!”. Era scatenato. Durante l’intero viaggio di ritorno è rimasto seduto lì, in silenzio. Sei seduto accanto ad un Adolf Hitler ancora più arrabbiato del solito. cercando di parlare del più e del meno: “È una bella giornata, non è vero?” Devo ammetterlo. Sono affascinato da Hitler. Come cazzo ha fatto quel tizio a conquistare il potere? Sembra di buon umore, in almeno una di quelle clip? In ognuna di esse urla, con i capelli che ondeggiano… Nessuno, anche ai suoi esordi, ha mai detto: “Forse è una mia impressione, ma questo tizio “sembra un po’ pazzo, vero? Sembra spastico! “Figa-repellente. Non può neanche avere donne intorno”. I matti possono conquistare le cose. Ecco il problema. Le persone normali, non so… Non dicono nulla. L’avete mai notato? Se su un autobus ci sono 30 persone normali, un pazzo può prendere in ostaggio l’intero bus. Sei seduto lì… Tutto va alla grande. Poi un matto inizia ad urlare. E appena ciò accade, tutte le persone iniziano a piagnucolare: “Oh mio Dio!” Impazziscono tutti. Perché non lo riempiono di botte? Ogni persona normale dovrebbe avere uno straccio imbevuto di cloroformio nella tasca anteriore della camicia, ed appena succede qualsiasi cosa pazzesca, se sei dietro di lui, devi agire. Lo tiri fuori e stendi il tizio. Tutti gli saltano addosso e poi lo legano. Poi gli tatuate “forse il prossimo Hitler” sulla fronte. Lo tenete d’occhio! No, ma è difficile farsi valere. Ecco il problema. Ero in un supermercato Target, l’altro giorno. Non me ne vanto. È vero. Sono lì con un mio amico. Lavora come buttafuori in alcune bettole, quindi conosce un bel po’ di teppisti. E, casualmente, uno di loro entra in quel momento, così il mio amico lo saluta: “Ehi, come va?” E questo tizio, invece di rispondere: “Oh, abbastanza bene” si è lanciato in un’invettiva contro gli immigrati, nel bel mezzo del supermercato. “Come va? Te lo dico io come va! “Questi dannati messicani continuano a venire in questo paese per rubarci i lavori!” Immediatamente, tutti i clienti: “Oh, M&Ms! Leggiamo il retro della confezione per un po’. “Wow, guarda! Glucosio! È ancora lì? Non voglio guardare. Ho guardato l’ultima volta. “È il tuo turno di guardare. Non voglio guardare”. Questo ragazzo era scatenato. Nessuno ha fatto un cazzo, me compreso. Io lo stavo ignorando. Anche i cassieri del supermercato continuavano a far finta di nulla. “Tre calzini per un dollaro, incredibile! Pensa che dopo pioverà?” Era un classico momento-cloroformio. Questo tizio sembrava Hitler ad una serata a microfono aperto, era scatenato. Stava imparando come mettere insieme i pensieri. Come arringare le folle. Qualcuno avrebbe dovuto arrivare… Gettare alcune caramelle per terra in modo da farlo cadere. Questo è tutto. È finita. Ma nessuno ha fatto un cazzo. Di sicuro c’era un dipendente del supermercato, un pazzo che guardava da dietro uno scaffale: “Mi piace questo tizio. Sta dicendo delle cose sensate!” Lo segue fino al parcheggio. Saltano nella sua El Camino. Ora sono in due! Io credo alla teoria della cospirazione. Voi ci credete? Avete letto qualcosa a riguardo? Penso che i fast food siano parte della congiura. Penso che contribuiscano a mantenerci stupidi. Non si riesce nemmeno a pensare dopo un po’. Vi è mai capitato di avere tutta la giornata pianificata, mangiare un Egg McMuffin, e rimanere sul divano: “Fanculo ai miei sogni. Rimango qui per un po’, “mi stiracchio, cazzeggio…”. È incredibile. Il cibo sano… Non si può nemmeno sentirne l’odore. Ho un sacchetto di mele proprio di fronte al mio viso, con gli occhi chiusi: non riesco a sentirne l’odore. A 350 chilometri di distanza: “È un Kentucky Fried Chicken? Chi ha voglia di pollo?” E ne mangi un secchiello. Avete notato che ogni volta che il governo fa una cazzata, tutto ad un tratto da McDonald spunta un nuovo panino? Sei seduto davanti alla TV, urlando: “Come possono perdonare tutti questi amministratori? “Oh, il nuovo McRib! Lo voglio provare cazzo!” E ti abbuffi… Comunque, sì. Faccio un sacco di pensieri folli. È vero. Questo è il più recente che ho avuto. Vi è mai capitato di guidare, vedere 30 persone su un marciapiede, e pensare… Non lo fai. Lo pensi e basta. Ecco cosa separa gli psicopatici dagli psicopatici funzionali. Gli psicopatici pensano: “Fanculo”, e lo fanno. Puliscono il parabrezza con i tergicristalli, e danno un senso alla loro giornata. Ma, in quanto psicopatico funzionale, non solo non lo fai ma analizzi quel pensiero: se lascio la mia mano qui, nessuno sa chi sono. Se la muovo di due gradi in questa direzione, sono sulla copertina di ‘Newsweek’. Sono immediatamente famoso. Qui, nessuno mi conosce. Solo un comune imbecille: “Ehi Bill, vuoi venire alla grigliata? “Potresti portare l’insalata di patate. È stata un grande successo l’anno scorso”. “Una delle scene più orribili che abbiamo visto negli ultimi anni”. “Dovresti venire. Ci sarà anche Amy. “Potresti parlarci e chiederle di uscire”. “Nessun segno di frenata!” Faccio sempre quel genere di pensieri. Recentemente la mia ragazza mi ha portato ad una fiera di strada. Siete mai stati ad una fiera di strada? Chiudono le strade del quartiere, c’è il tizio che fa i kebab, ci son cianfrusaglie fatte con dei bottoni, persone senza denti che fanno portachiavi… È una tipica idea da fidanzata. Fa schifo, ed impegnerà tutto il sabato, giusto? Lei è eccitatissima, fa oscillare il mio braccio: “Oh mio Dio, sarà fantastico!” Io sto pregando perché cada un fulmine, che un’impalcatura mi cada sulla testa… Il primo posto in cui lei si ferma è un grande tavolo colmo di nient’altro che gioielli fatti in casa. Ci son ramoscelli e maccheroni. È una schifezza. È un tavolo di schifezze. Ma a lei piace: “Oh mio Dio, questi oggetti sono così eccentrici!”. Sta provando gli orecchini… “Ti piacciono questi?” Volevo dirle: “No! “Se fossero belli sarebbero in un negozio, va bene? “Ci sarebbe un tetto, una specie di struttura sarebbe stata costruita intorno a loro. “Questa è una schifezza. È un tavolo di schifezze”. Ma non volevo fare il coglione, per cui le ho detto: “Sono bellissimi, tesoro. Vado a prendere un po’ d’aria, ok? “Anche se siamo fuori, penso che ci sia più aria lì in fondo”. L’ho sentito, stavo per schizzare. Sono andato a due o tre tavoli di distanza, e c’era questa signora con questo grande tavolo di muffins. Muffins fatti in casa. Ci son 30 gradi, e lei era lì con questo grande tavolo di muffins. Ha questo grosso e stupido sguardo tipo: “Ehi, guardate i muffins che ho fatto”. Appena ho visto quella scena, una parte del mio cervello ha pensato: “Cosa accadrebbe se arrivassi e chiedessi: ‘Signora, sono questi i suoi muffins? Sì?’ “ed iniziassi a colpirli… BAM, BAM, BAM!” Quanti di questi muffins potrei ridurre in poltiglia prima che qualcuno faccia qualcosa? Realisticamente, penso che potrei spappolare l’intero tavolo, perché anche se tu mi vedessi comportarmi in quel modo, ti ci vorrebbero almeno 5/6 secondi per elaborare la cosa: “Hanno detto che poteva farlo? “È un gioco? Mangia i residui di muffin dal suo pugno? “Ma così buona parte dell’impasto verrà sprecata!” Non ci sono buttafuori in eventi del genere. Non c’è un tizio che dice: “Sta spappolando i muffins. Ok, ci penso io “Signore, dobbiamo chiederle di andarsene” e mi trascina via… Così ho iniziato a pensare al volto inorridito e sconvolto di questa donna che mi guardava spappolare i suoi muffins, e, dal nulla, ho iniziato a ridere come un maniaco. Mi sono accasciato su questo carretto di frittelle, stavo morendo dal ridere. La mia ragazza mi guardò e mi chiese: “Perché diavolo stai ridendo?” E, come un idiota, ho cercato di spiegarle questo pensiero folle. Come se lei potesse capirlo. Le ho detto: “Stavo pensando, “cosa succederebbe se iniziassi a spappolare i muffins? Hai capito cosa voglio dire? Spappolare i muffins…”. E lei mi ha guardato come per dire: “Perché esco con te?” Giuro su Dio, se non avessi smesso di fissarla dopo aver cominciato a colpire i muffins quella ragazza non sarebbe nemmeno riuscita a chiamare aiuto. Sarei entrato nella sua testa. Sarebbe stato troppo personale. “Ho fatto le superiori con questo ragazzo? Perché dovresti fare una cosa del genere? “I muffins sono un alimento felice. Non capisco”. Va bene, ascoltate, ho esaurito il tempo a mia disposizione, siete stati divertentissimi. Vi ringrazio per essere venuti. Lo apprezzo veramente. Grazie. Grazie mille. Grazie, grazie!"
1686242966-415,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Chris Rock: Selective Outrage (2023) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-selective-outrage-transcript/,"[slow instrumental music playing] [funk drums playing] [indistinct chatter] [man] Let’s go! [hip-hop music playing] [audience cheering] [Chris Rock] She said, “$300, I’ll do anything you want.” I said, “Bitch, paint my house.” We don’t need the death penalty! We got the tossed salad man! ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. I ain’t scared of Al-Qaeda. I’m scared of Al-Cracker. You cannot lend money to people you’re fucking. ‘Cause they think that sex is a payback. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [hip-hop music playing] [female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock! [audience cheering] [audience continue cheering] [Chris Rock] What’s up, Baltimore? [audience cheers loudly] Yes! Yes, yes. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much to coming to my Netflix special. Thank you. [audience cheering] That’s right. That’s right! Okay. I’mma try to do a show. [man shouting unintelligibly] I’mma try… N*gga, sit down! I’mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? I’mma try my best. You know why? ‘Cause you never know who might get triggered. That’s right. You say the wrong thing… motherfuckers get scared. You gotta watch out. You know what people say. They always say, uh, “words hurt.” That’s what they say. You gotta watch what you say. ‘Cause words hurt. You know anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face. [audience laughing] Okay? Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick, okay? You gotta watch out. Everybody’s scared. Everybody scared. If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit. Yeah. Try to get you with one of them woke traps. Say, “Hey, we going to a gay wedding tomorrow.” “How do you feel about that?” Oh, ho, ho, ho! “It’s good. It’s good.” Don’t fall into the woke trap at all now. I have no problem with the wokeness. I have no problem with it at all. I’m all for social justice. I’m all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage. [audience applauding]     That’s right, selective outrage. Everybody, you know what I’m talking about? One person does something, they get cancelled. Somebody else does the exact same thing… No. You know what I’m talking about. You know, like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs, but won’t play R. Kelly. [audience laughing and applauding] [imperceptible] Same crime. One of them just got better songs. [chuckling] That’s right. Well, I’ll play “Startin’ Somethin’,” it’s a party. I play “Bump n’ Grind,” now you are activists. So, everybody’s scared. Everybody full of shit, you know? I’m in my old neighborhood the other day. I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred. Hadn’t seen him in years. Hadn’t seen him in years. Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay? So, I’m like, “Hey, Fred, how’s the job?” And Fred’s like, “Oh, I love the job.” “It’s a safe space.” “I feel seen, I feel heard.” “There’s a lot of diversity.” And I’m looking at him. I’m like… “N*gga, it’s me.” What, you think I’m wearing a wire or some shit? What the fuck you talking about, safe space? N*gga, you did eight years for manslaughter. Nobody’s safe around you. Everybody’s full of shit. Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves. You need to cut it out, man. Not only is everybody full of shit, not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit. – [man whooping] Everybody you do business, they don’t even tell you about the product no more. They just tell you how much charity they do. They say, “We give back.” “We like to give back.” “We don’t even like the money.” “We just give back.” I’m in the mall the other day. I went by that store. What’s this thing? A Lululemon. Lululemon, I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there’s a sign that says, “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” You’re just selling yoga pants. I don’t need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat. The fuck you talking about, man? And then, I’m watching the game the other night. There was a– There was a commercial for Subaru. Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh, “For every Subaru we sell, we’ll donate $250 to your favorite charity.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” I’m like, “Subaru, you want to help me out?” “Why don’t you just sell me the car for $250 less?” [audience laughing] Shit, I’m my favorite charity. Shit. You know what Elon Musk does? Every time he sells a Tesla, he gets his dick sucked. That’s why he looks so weird. ‘Cause his body has negative cum. He’s the richest man on Earth. No one has lower cum levels than Elon Musk, okay? Women are sucking out the cum before it’s even formed. There’s a six-month waiting list for Elon Musk’s cum. [chuckles] He’s flying bitches to the moon. Who could compete with that shit? No one has less sperm than Elon Musk. Only Jason Momoa comes close. To having less spunk than Elon Musk. Fucking Lululemon. “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” They sell $100 yoga pants. $100 yoga pants. They hate somebody. [laughs] They hate the poor. [sputters] $100 yoga pants? No, no, no. Correction. They don’t sell $100 yoga pants. They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants. [audience cheer in agreement] That’s right. Like, yoga pants that whistled “n*gga” as you walk. “N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga.” “Are my pants whistling, ‘N*gga’?” “Can’t wear these to Cherry Hill.” Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby. We are motherfucking live. [audience cheering] Okay? Homework, that’s right. Whenever I do a show, I do my homework. First thing I do when I get to town, I’ll go, “Where should I not go?” And then I say, “Where can I buy coke?” And they’re usually the same place. [chuckles] Now, America’s… America’s got problems right now. They say we’re addicted to opioids. They say we’re addicted to opioids and we are. I like a good opioid when I could get my hand on it. [chuckles] There’s, like, no pharmacist has ever paid to come to my show. [laughs] “I think we can get him in there, yeah.” That’s right, man. They say we’re addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention. That’s right. We are addicted to attention. Can’t get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes. Posting up pathetic pictures. [high-pitch voice] “This is me eating sushi. Like me.” [chuckling] “This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me.”     [normal voice] Oh, it’s fucking sad, man. Just feening for attention. Addicted to attention. And how do you get attention? Four easy ways to get attention. Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass. Show your ass! You will get attention, even if you don’t got ass! That’s the world we live in. It’s why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King. ‘Cause Chyna is showing that ass. That’s right. So number one, show your ass. Number two easiest way to get attention is to be infamous. Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school. Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show. That’s right, infamy. You will get attention. Number three easiest way to get attention, that’s right, to be excellent. That’s right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game. [audience cheering] Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it’s hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning. [laughs] You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass. That’s right. That’s right. And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, is to be a victim. [audience] Ooh. It’s like “Where he going with this?” [audience laughs] Don’t get me wrong, there’s no victim-shaming going on. No. No, no, no, no. There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain’t nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? And right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts. Okay? [audience cheering and whistling] That’s right. Everybody’s trying to be a victim. People that know good and goddamn well they ain’t victims. Like white men. When did white men become victims? White men actually think they’re losing the country. To who? It ain’t us. When’s the last time you got on a Black cruise ship? Or flew on a Black airline? Get the fuck out of here. We don’t got no money! We got some vodkas and a couple of record companies. White men actually think they’re losing the country! Can you believe– Did you see the Capitol riots? White men trying to overthrow the government that they run! [audience laughing] The fuck? They’re like, “We gotta get them out of office.” Who? “Us.” [laughs] Did you see the Capitol riots? Like, what kind of white Planet of the Apes shit was that? These motherfuckers are climbing up walls and taking a shit on Pelosi’s desk. What the fuck? What would make white men think they’re losing the country? What? What? What? What, ’cause there’s no more white couples in commercials? There’s no Black couples either. Every commercial has a mixed race couple. Everything! Shit, I saw a commercial the other day, saw a Japanese woman married to a caterpillar. [chuckles] Their kids were squirrels! By the way, speaking of commercials, when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman? [audience laughing and applauding] This n*gga’s selling everything. Beer, wine, tampons… I saw a commercial the other day, Snoop was selling reverse mortgages. Called them, “Dogg-ages.” What the fuck’s a “Dogg-age”? I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just… I’m not dissing Snoop, all right? Last thing I need is another mad rapper, right?     [audience laughing] Nope. Nope, nope. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Back to the show. Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what’s this girl Meghan Markle? [groans] Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, “Didn’t she hit the light-skinned lottery?” Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining. Acting all dumb, like she don’t know nothing. Going on Oprah, [voice breaking] “I didn’t know. I had no idea how racist they were.” [normal voice] It’s the royal family. You didn’t google these motherfuckers? [chuckles] What the fuck is she talking about, “she didn’t know”? The fuck? It’s the royal family! They’re the original racists! They invented colonialism! They’re the OGs of racism. They’re the Sugarhill Gang of racism. Like, “The hip-hop, the hippie, the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop and you don’t stop” of racism. The fuck is she talking about, “I didn’t know”? That’s like marrying into the Budweiser family and going, “They drink a lot!” The fuck is she talking about? These motherfuckers invested in slavery like it was Shark Tank. [laughs] The fuck? She said, “They’re so racist. They’re so racist.” Some of that shit she went through was not racism! It was just some in-law shit. And sometimes it’s just some in-law shit! ‘Cause she’s complaining, and I’m like, “What the fuck is she talking about?” [voice breaking] “Oprah, they’re so racist!” “They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be.” “They’re so racist. They wanted to know how brown the baby’s gonna be.” [normal voice] I’m like, “That’s not racist!” ‘Cause even Black people wanna know… [audience laughing and applauding] …how brown the baby gonna be! Shit, we check behind them ears. That’s a scientific test. [chuckles] ‘Cause you gotta see what kind of Black child you’re gonna get. Is this a Steph Curry baby? Or a Draymond Green baby? That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life. Draymond Black, baby. That n*gga dark. He’s “sneak-up-on-you” Black. Where you at, Draymond? “Right here.” Hey! Hey! Put a bell on, n*gga! Put a bell! I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle’s going through. I-I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it’s hard. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. It’s so hard. It’s very hard! But it ain’t as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. Now, that shit is really hard. Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma’s like, “Why is there a social worker at the table?” Like, “Momma, that’s Jackie!” “We’ve been married nine years!” “You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!” “You know I’m playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time.” Nah, nah, nah. Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. I’m like, “Hey! If you’re Black, and you wanna be accepted by your white in-laws, then you need to marry a Kardashian.” ‘Cause they accept everybody. So, like, Kris Jenner is like the Statue of Liberty. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…” Kris Jenner lets everybody in. That’s right. She’s like a Black grandma. She just wants to fix you up a plate, that Kris Jenner. She don’t give a fuck. She lets everybody in. She’s like, “Bipolar rapper? Bring your ass in here.” “Come in here, you genius, bipolar motherfucker.” “Crackhead basketball player? Bring your ass here.” “Let me fix you up a plate, you old crackhead.” “Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here.” “Help me with these plates.” [laughs] The Kardashians are inclusive! And they love Black people more than Black people love Black people. Shit, the father freed O.J. [audience laughing] Oh, you forgot that little nugget of Black history? He was a, he was a valuable member of the Dream Team. That’s right. He wasn’t Johnnie Cochran. He was the Klay Thompson of that team. That’s right. That’s right. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That’s another kind of Black excellence. That’s way before Wakanda. Ah, ha, ha! Yes. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson. That’s right. And from that day on, from the day that he helped to free O.J. Simpson, from the time O.J. Simpson left that court… From that day on, Robert Kardashian was cursed. That’s right. The judge said, “Not guilty.” O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, “Robert Kardashian!” “For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but n*ggas!” [audience laughing] “And not just any n*ggas, crazy n*ggas.” “The craziest n*ggas to ever live.” [laughs] Yeah, we going in tonight. You can’t tell none of these jokes at work, motherfucker. No! I love the Kardashians. I love the Kardashians. They’re a very tight-knit family. I– You know what I love about the Kardashians? I love how quickly they accepted Caitlyn. I thought that was beautiful. I thought it was beautiful. That’s right. “No muss, no fuss, she’s with us.” I thought it was beautiful. I would love to believe that if my father became a woman, that we would accept the situation as fast as the Kardashians. And I’m sure we would. I’m sure we would. It wouldn’t be the first season. [chuckling] You know, we need a few episodes to make this shit happen– No, no, no. No, no. Honestly, here’s the deal. If my father became a woman, I would accept it right away. I would accept it right away. You know why? ‘Cause I’m an artist. And I’ve worked with all sort of people, got nothing against anybody. Trans, I’m sure there’s trans people here. I got no beef with anybody. I’m gonna accept everyone, right? [man whoops] That’s right. If my father became a woman, I’d accept it. I mean, to be perfectly honest… To be perfectly honest, in some situations I actually prefer trans women to original recipe. Like, when you’re watching a game they could read defenses. “That’s a Cover 2.” “Ooh, thanks, Peaches.” No! [guffaws] No, no, no. Again, if my father became a woman, I would accept it ’cause I’m an artist and I would accept it immediately. Now, my brothers drive trucks. So, their reaction might be a little different than mine. Especially my older brother, Andre. He, you know, drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan. He’s one of them “argh” n*ggas, you know? If my father became a woman, Andre would have a problem with it. That would be a very testy Christmas to say the least. My brother Andre would be like, “Man, fuck that shit, man!” “The fuck, you got the heels on?” “The fuck you doing? You don’t gotta wear a motherfucking heel.” “Why the wig? What that got to do with nothin’?” “What the hair got to do with nothin’?” “Nah, I ain’t shaking your hand.” “I don’t want none of that trans to rub off on me.” “My kids here, n*gga, my kids!” And then, I would have to step in and be the voice of reason. I would have to check my brother. I would have to walk up to him going, “Hey! Hey!” “Hey, n*gga!” “She’s your daddy!” [laughs] We gotta love everybody, man. We gotta love all. America, America’s in bad shape right now, man. America’s in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? ‘Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. Okay? We are clearly divided. Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, “Let’s hear ’em out.” We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie. Republicans lie. Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth… [audience cheering and whistling] …that would lead to a more nuanced argument. The whole country is fucked up. School shootings every week. Fucking opioid epidemic. Abortion is illegal in most of the country. In most of the country, abortion’s illegal. A lot of people say, “Chris, you shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” Say, “Chris! You shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” And I’m like, “Hey.” “I’ve paid for more abortions than any woman in this room.” Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say, “Gimme the usual.” When I go in there, they give me a punch card. “Here you go.” Two more and I get a free smoothie. “Mango.”     That’s right, pro-life, pro-choice. Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? And… So, there’s a part of me… There’s a part of me that’s pro-life, okay? ‘Cause I’m definitely pro their lives. Okay? So, there’s a part of me that’s pro-life. But since I love my daughters unconditionally– I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. I want my daughters to live in a world where they have complete control of their bodies, okay? [audience cheering] Okay? And because of that, I am pro-choice. I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? I believe women should have the right to kill babies. [scattered laughs] That’s right. I’m on your side. I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. Kill ’em all, I don’t give a fuck. But let’s not get it twisted, it is killing a baby. ‘Cause whenever I pay for an abortion, I request a dead baby. Sometimes, I call up the doctor like a hit man. “Is it done?” [laughs] And people argue first trimester, second trimester. First trimester, second trimester. I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it’s four years old. That’s right, fuck trimester. Semester. I think you should be able to kill a baby till you get that first report card. [exclaims] “He ain’t never getting a scholarship.” “Okay, you can finish watching Stranger Things, but when it’s over, we going to the clinic.” “Hurry up, I’m trying to get a smoothie.” That’s right. Pro-life, pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro right choice. I’m pro good choice. I’m pro practical choice. Like, ladies… Ladies, listen to me. If you have to pay for your own abortion, you should get an abortion. Stop letting broke dicks cum inside of you. This has been a public service announcement. I’m on your side! I’m on your side. Everybody cares about abortion, trying to save these bad-ass kids. You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, “No child… No child is born is racist.” “No child is born hating.” “You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good.” “All children are born pure.” You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that. Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They’re the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay? You realize human beings, we have the worst offspring of any animal. We’re the only animal in the whole animal kingdom that has to raise its kids for 18 years. Eighteen years. Every other animal’s like two or three days. Like, birds are like, “I hope you can fly.” [chuckles] Eighteen years! And they still bad! And they still fuck up. “No, kids are born good.” Shut the fuck up, man. My oldest daughter, Lola, used to bite kids. Bite ’em. That’s right. You’d be at a birthday party. “Happy birthday to…” [yelps in pain] You look around, Lola done bit somebody. Now, let me ask you something. Do you think me and her mother taught her to bite? Do you think me and her mother sharpened her teeth? Do you think we bought her mannequins to practice on? No, that’s just who the fuck she is. That’s just her nature. She came out the womb like Wolverine. I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don’t like them. I don’t like my kids. You know one reason I don’t like my kids? ‘Cause my kids are rich. My kids are rich and spoiled. I know some people are like, “Chris, you’re rich.” Yeah, I’m rich. But I identify as poor. [audience laughing and applauding] [man] Whoo! That’s right, my pronoun is broke. That’s right, man. And my kids are spoiled. My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it. Me and their mother, but I fucking did it. A lot, a lot of Black people get a little money, and they’re like, “I want my kids to know how it is in the hood.” Not me. I want the exact opposite. I want my kids to know shit about the hood. I want them to be lost every time they’re in a hood, okay? My kids went to the best schools on Earth, okay? My kids speak multiple languages, okay? Sometimes they curse me out, I don’t even know what they talkin’ about. My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence. I’ve got fencing Black girls, with afro puffs, talking about, “Touché, n*gga.” That’s right. You can’t fuck with the Rock girls, boy. Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled. I remember my youngest, Zahra, when she was in kindergarten, one day, the teacher said, “Today, we’re gonna learn about the four seasons.” And Zahra said, “That’s my favorite hotel.” [laughs] Yeah, you ain’t never seen Black girls like this. My kids are fucking spoiled. That’s right. And I did it, man. When they were little kids, I used to take them to Disney a lot. Used to take them to Disney all the time, right? But I ain’t take them like normal people, no. That’s right. We went on the Illuminati package. We weren’t out there waiting to meet the characters, like everybody else. We were backstage chilling with the characters. That’s right. I smoked a joint with Goofy. Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance. Rubbed that big rat ass on me. Ha, ha, ha, ha! That’s right, man. My kids had it good. Had it much better than me. ‘Cause when I was a kid, we went to Disney. That’s right. Me, my mother, and my brothers, we went to Disney as poor people. On a church trip. [chuckling] Sad already, ain’t it? On a church trip. New York to Orlando, in August, on a bus with no AC. It was so hot, I thought we were going to see the Devil. Took us two days to get there, ’cause the driver was selling weed on the way. And when we finally got there, we weren’t really there, ’cause Disney’s in Orlando, and our hotel was in Alabama. And we’re staying in some nasty motel. It had a bed that vibrates if you put a quarter in it. We’re little kids. We don’t know this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress. And we’re begging my mother, “Mommy, can you put another quarter in?” And my mother’s like, “I’m gonna put a quarter in, but this counts as a ride.” [chuckling] God damn. Best time of my life. Now, my kids, my kids, yes, they’re spoiled. Yes, they are spoiled, but they get in trouble just like any other kids. So about three years ago, my oldest, Lola, was a senior in high school, right? And they went on a class trip. It was time for a class trip. Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip. So their class trip was to Portugal. Ain’t that some shit? Portugal. When I was a kid, we went to the Bronx Zoo. Watched a gorilla jerk off. And then had to write a report about it. “He held it tightly.” So Lola goes on the class trip, and she’s in Portugal, doing whatever Portuguese shit they do. And one day, Lola, and four of her little white girl friends decide that they’re bored and they’re gonna leave the class. They’re gonna sneak away, go to a bar, and get drunk. And then they tried to sneak back in. But of course, they got busted. Of course, they got busted. Now, these crazy, rich, white schools, they don’t play that shit. You get busted sneaking out drinking, they’re like, “You are kicked out.” But… But, this school, of course, these crazy white schools got rich-ass white parents. And rich-ass white parents do not let their kids get kicked out of school. So all these rich-ass parents, they’ve all got lawyers. Even the ones that were lawyers, got lawyers. Okay? And they got them good lawyers. They got those NFL rape lawyers. Like, I’m not advocating rape. But if you’re ever on trial, that’s who you want, okay? Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right? And they got the good lawyers, right? I didn’t want a lawyer at first. I didn’t want to get a lawyer because I was mad at my child. I was mad. I was like, “Lola, what the fuck is going on?” “First, you’re biting. Now, this shit?” And I tried to talk to my ex-wife. I was like, “Let’s wait before we get a lawyer.” “Let’s see how this turns out. Let’s see how it unfolds.” My ex-wife’s like, “No, fuck that.” “We’re getting a lawyer, and we’re gonna sue this school.” “We’re gonna sue this dean. We’re gonna sue these teachers.” “I can’t even believe they let her out of their sight.” “We are suing these people.” And I started to argue with her, but the last time I argued with my ex-wife about a lawyer, I lost my house. So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer. And I’m talking to the lawyer, and the lawyer’s like, “Okay, okay, I talked to some people.” “And if you give me ten days, I should be able to get her back in the school.” So Lola’s home for ten days. One day, I come home from work and I see Lola outside just laughing with, like, three of her little white girl friends, just laughing. You ever just want to choke your child for smiling? Like, motherfucker, what are you smiling about right now? So I walk over to Lola. I’m like, “Lola, what’s so funny?” “What is so funny?” And Lola’s like, “Daddy, stop it!” “You’re so serious. I’ll be back in school in no time.” And I’m like, “Look at this smug motherfucker.” And at that moment, I kind of snapped. And I got back in the car. I got back in the fucking car and I drove to the school. I drove to the school and found the dean. I was like, “Hey, we need to talk.” “I know you’re going through it right now.” “I know you’ve got a lot of parents trying to sue you, and trying to sue the school, and trying to get you fired, but I need a favor.” “I need you to kick my daughter out of this school.” “I need you to kick her Black ass out of this school.” “I need my Black child to learn her lesson right now, before she ends up on OnlyFans or some shit.” “Please kick my child out of fucking school.” And they kicked her out. They kicked them all out, but they kicked my child out first, okay? ‘Cause I’m a celebrity. And I went home, act like I didn’t know what was about to happen. The phone rang. I was like, “Lola, you should get that.” I act like I didn’t know shit. And Lola got the phone and they gave her the news. And then Lola comes in all sad. [crying] “Daddy, they kicked me out of school.” And I was like, “I told you them crackers are mean, Lola.” “I told you about them crackers.” And to this day, Lola has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And her mother has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And the lawyer has no idea. And they won’t find out till they see this shit on Netflix. [audience cheering] Here’s the amazing thing. Here’s a beautiful thing that happened. Here’s a beautiful thing… It worked. The whole thing humbled Lola, my God, ’cause Lola got kicked out of school for real. So she had to apply to another high school, and she had to write essays explaining why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And when it was time for her to apply for college, she had to write why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And now, three years later, my daughter, Lola, is one of the coolest people I have ever met. She is so amazing. [audience applauding] Lola Rock is amazing. My daughter, Lola, goes to culinary school in Paris. Yeah. Culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Culinary school in Paris. That’s right. My greatest achievement, man. I mean, let’s just think about it. Let’s just think about it for a second. My mother was born in 1945. My mother was born in 1945, in a little town called Georgetown, South Carolina, right? And my mother told me when she was a little girl, it was against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist. Against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist, right? And if you were a little child and you needed your teeth taken out, like all children do, if you’re a little Black child and you needed your teeth taken out, and you couldn’t find a Black dentist, you had to go to a vet. Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America. I’m talking about my mother. I’m not talking about Harriet Tubman. I’m talking about my mother. Shit, she’s sitting over there, okay? [audience cheering] My mother went to a vet, okay? Went to a vet. And think about it. The same woman that had to go through the indignity of getting her teeth taken out by a fucking vet, the same woman now, twice a year, gets on a plane, flies to Paris, and has coffee with her granddaughter, who is going to culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Okay? And Lola, and my mother, my mother sits her down and tells her about her life, and then Lola bites her. Yes. Touché, n*gga, touché. Oh, my life is good. I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain. You know, I got some bullshit going on, but it’s going good. I’m single. I’m single. Have been single a long time. I was married for a long time, you know, I was dating somebody for a while. Now I’m single and here’s the crazy thing. You don’t even realize all the amazing little things a woman does for you ’til you don’t have one. You don’t even realize ’em. Women do so many things that you don’t even realize. Like the other night, I’m trying to get some sleep trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep, trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep. And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like, “This pillowcase is filthy.” “Are we supposed to change these?” I flipped it over it was black and greasy. I was like, “Did Draymond Green sleep on this part of the bed?” That shit was black, man. Yeah. Try to date. Trying to fucking date is hard. ‘Cause on one hand, you know, I’m loving, I want a real relationship. “I want a Sunday kind of love.” And the other time, on the other hand, I’m just a ho. I’m just bad. I’m like, “Ah, fuck all this shit.” Like I’m all fucked up, we all got that. Like, ladies, I will lick your ass and never call you again. But if we hold hands, you my girl. Why is that? Why is holding hands more intimate than licking ass? That don’t make no sense. I’m doing the Netflix special tonight, I’m making a ton of money, I might lick somebody’s ass tonight. But I know, I ain’t holding nobody’s hand. I know that shit. [laughs] I can’t tell you every woman I fucked, but I know every hand I ever held. I’m trying to date, trying to date. Trying to date women my age, which is 10 to 15 years younger than me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You’re right. I didn’t get rich and stay in shape to talk about Anita Baker. [laughs] I’m trying to fuck Doja Cat. [guffaws] Yeah, n*gga, yeah. No, man, a lot of people think men date younger women ’cause they’re younger. No, not at all. Men do not date younger women ’cause they’re younger. Men date younger women ’cause they’re less expensive to date. That is what it all boils down to. See, you go out with a 25-year-old, she just wants a pair of shoes. [imitating a woman] “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I really like these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “Can I send you the link?” “Can I send you the link?” “I want to get these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “You can Venmo me.” “That’s the app I put on your phone three weeks ago.” “Can I get these shoes?” [normal voice] And if you’re lucky, your 25-year-old will model those shoes for you. That’s right. You go, “Fuck it. Get your shoes.” And if you’re lucky, she will model them for you naked. She’s like, “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?” [imitating a woman] “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?” [normal voice] And everybody’s happy for the price of a pair of shoes. That’s what it’s like to date a 25 year old. You go out with a 45, 50? They want more than shoes. [chuckles] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, she’s like, “Can you help me fix my roof?” [audience laughs] Goddamn. That ain’t sexy at all. What, I got to get estimates for this pussy? I got to see contractors for this pussy, goddamn. [laughs] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they got a house that’s falling apart. They’re like, “You know anybody with a snake?” A snake? You don’t want my dick to ever get hard. You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they always got a car that’s falling apart. Car’s a piece of shit. They always got the worst version of a good car. The car got a good name, but they got the worst version they ever made. Like a Mercedes 308. What the fuck’s a 308? Four-cylinder and you roll the window down? Who sold you this shit? They got a Tesla that takes gas. You’re like, “Who sold you this shit?” What the fuck? God, man, but the pussy good. The pussy, that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it’s good. That’s right, it simmered longer. It’s been on the pot a little longer. That’s right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy is like spaghetti. It’s better the next day. It really is, really is. Whoo! It really fucking is. And they always got a fucked up car then you get that good pussy. You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy you think you leaving the house, “Okay, see you later.” And then she’s like, “No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor.” “Can you come with me to the mechanic to pick up my car?” “I need you to come ’cause if I go alone they’re gonna take advantage.” So now you gotta go with her to pick up her car. You don’t even know what’s wrong with the car. But you gotta go. And you just standing there like some sort of sexual scarecrow. [chuckling] [man whoops]     And the mechanic’s like, “That’s $500,” and you’re like… [screeches] And then the mechanic says, “Okay, $450.” And then she goes, “I only got $35.” Bitch, you fucking played me! I just got your roof fixed. They say women have all, they say men have all the power. They say men have all the power. But we don’t. We don’t have all the power. Women have the power. You got all the fucking power. [scattered applause] That’s right. ‘Cause there’s nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing more powerful, that’s right. A beautiful woman can stop traffic. There is nothing about a man that can stop traffic. Now, that’s right. You could be a dead man on a highway with your dick out and they will drive around your dead ass. There’s nothing [chuckling] more powerful than female beauty. You call it female beauty, you can call it pussy. Call it whatever you want, man. Shit, I’ve been working, I’ve been working since I was seven years old. Been working for almost 50 years. Seven years old! I used to sweep up at a supermarket. I’ve been working since I was seven years old. And I have made millions of dollars, okay? And every dime I have ever made I have spent it on pussy. Every fucking cent! Either pussy or pussy adjacent. Every fucking dime. Getting the pussy hair done, getting the pussy taxes done, getting the pussy’s son into camp, getting the pussy’s tooth fixed, getting the pussy’s driveway done, getting the pussy’s mama some life insurance, getting the pussy bunion surgery. I’ve paid more college loans off than Joe Biden. Motherfucker. Spent all my money on pussy. And if I had a chance to do it again I’d spend it on pussy again. They say men have all the advantages. No, we don’t. That’s right, man. Women you got all the advantages. You ever notice how you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in? Just by who’s not working? Think about it for one sec, you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in just by who’s not working. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see women with sweatpants on coming out the gym, pushing babies, riding bikes. That’s right, having brunch, going to SoulCycle. Chances are you’re in a nice neighborhood. There’s probably a Whole Foods nearby. That’s right, wherever women ain’t working is an amazing place to live. That’s where I want to live. I want to live in a place where women are voluntarily not working. That is where I want to live. Now, let’s switch it up. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see men in sweatpants, smoking cigarettes, hanging with their boys, lifting weights in the yard, riding children’s bicycles, as their actual transportation, then you are in danger. Wherever men don’t work is fucking dangerous, that’s right. That’s right, that’s right, women have all the power, shit. My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know. She got just as much money as me ain’t funny at all. [man whoops] [Chris Rock laughs] God bless her. God bless her. Nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing. Just look at Beyoncé. Whoo! Can’t wait for that tour. That’s right, man, Beyoncé. Now I know she talented. She is so talented, man. She’s extremely talented. But even with all that talent ain’t nothing more powerful than the beauty. Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers I have ever seen. Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit. Beyoncé is so fine that if she worked at Burger King she could still marry Jay-Z. [chuckling] That’s how fine she is. She could still get her a billionaire, great, rapping, fucking businessman. She is so fine that if she worked at Burger King, she could still marry Jay-Z. Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King… [audience laughs] No, no, no, women got the power. By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss. I do not need another rapper mad at me, okay? I don’t need it. I don’t need that smoke. [chuckles] I’m, like, The Rock. The Rock. I do not need the smoke. Y’all know what happened to me. Getting smacked by Suge Smith. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, fucking last week, I got smacked at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. And people like, “Did it hurt?” It still hurts. I got “Summertime” ringing in my ear. Fucking drums, please. But I’m not a victim, baby. You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. You will never see it. Never gonna happen. [whimpering] I couldn’t believe it and I love Men in Black. [normal voice] No. It’s never gonna happen. No. Fuck that shit. I took that hit like Pacquiao, motherfucker. [audience cheering] I took it like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay? Shit, man. Did it hurt? Yeah, it motherfucking hurt. People are all, “You guys are fighting all the time.” We’re not fighting. First of all, I know you can’t tell on camera. Will Smith is significantly bigger than me. We’re not the same size, okay? We’re not. This guy mostly does movies with his shirt off. You’ve never seen me do a movie with my shirt off. If I’m in a movie getting open heart surgery, I got on a sweater. Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie. You think I auditioned for that part? He played Muhammad Ali. I played Pookie in New Jack City. [audience cheering] Pookie, motherfucker. I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang. Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. I am zebra. He’s a shark. What the fuck, man? But… But, Will Smith practices selective outrage. Practices selective outrage. ‘Cause everybody knows what the fuck happened. Everybody that really knows knows that I had nothing to do with that shit. I didn’t have any entanglement. [audience cheering] I didn’t. I did not have any entanglement. For people that don’t know what everybody knows. Will Smith, his wife was fucking her son’s friend, okay? Now, I normally would not talk about this shit. But for some reason, these n*ggas put that shit on the Internet. I have no idea why two talented people would do something that fucking low down. What the fuck? We all been cheated on. Everybody in here had been cheated on. None of us have ever been interviewed by the person that cheated on us on television. None of us. It’s like, “Hey, I was sucking somebody else’s dick.” “How did that make you feel?” Why the fuck would you do that shit? She hurt him way more than he hurt me. Okay? Okay? And by the way, he does that shit, everybody in the world called him a bitch. I tried to call the motherfucker and give him my condolences. He ain’t pick up for me. Everybody called that man a bitch. Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch. The Breakfast Club called him a bitch. And The View and The Talk and every rapper and the Drink Champs called him a fucking bitch. Everybody called him a bitch and called his wife a predator. Everybody called him a bitch. Everybody! Everybody! And who does he hit? Me. A n*gga he know he could beat. That is some bitch-ass shit. [audience cheering] That’s what the fuck happened, okay? Get the fuck out of here, man. What the fuck? I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay? Whatever. Years ago, his wife said I should quit the Oscars. I shouldn’t host. She fucking said, “He should quit ’cause Will didn’t get nominated for Concussion.” What the fuck? What the fuck? So then I do some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck? That’s how it is. She started it. I finished it. Okay? That’s what the fuck happened. Nobody was picking on this bitch. She started this shit. Nobody was picking on her. Nobody was picking on her. She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man should quit his job ’cause her husband didn’t get nominated for Concussion. And then this n*gga gives me a fucking concussion, okay? What the fuck, man? I love Will Smith. My whole life, I love this n*gga. I saw him opened up for Run-DMC at the Nassau Coliseum. These n*ggas made brand-new funk. I love this n*gga. He made some great movies. I’ve rooted for Will Smith my whole life. I root for this motherfucker, okay? And now, I watch Emancipation just to see him get whooped. It got me rooting for Massa, okay? Hit him again, Massa. Hit him again! You missed a spot, Massa. You missed a spot. A lot of people go, “Chris, how come you didn’t do nothing back.” “How come you didn’t do nothing back that night?” ‘Cause I got parents. That’s why. ‘Cause I was raised, okay? I’ve got parents. You know what my parents taught me. Don’t fight in front of white people. [slams mic] [audience cheering and applauding] [hip-hop music playing] [audience continue cheering] [“N*gga in Paris” playing]"
1686241434-34,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,BILL BURR: YOU PEOPLE ARE ALL THE SAME (2012) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-people-2012-full-transcript/,"[Crowd chatter] Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! [Cheers and applause] All right. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, sir. How are ya? How’s it going? All right. [Cheers and applause] All right, all right, all right, all right. All right, everybody settle down. I wanna get a gun. I do. I really do. I never had that feeling before till I moved out to Los Angeles. This city just messes with your mind, you know? It’s overpopulated, technically doesn’t have a water supply. Right? The dollar’s crashing. Shit keeps you up at night. You’re just thinking… “What am I gonna do when the zombies come?” Right? Start reading up on shit. “Get some powdered food. Plant some zucchini. Get a windmill.” Right? And that’s all well and good, but if you don’t know how to fight, all you’re doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy on the block. Right? I was thinking about that. What am I gonna do if some dude turns me upside down, starts shaking the gold coins outta my pockets? I gotta get a gun. So I’m on the road, right? I’m in Reno. Great gun town. So I go down to that little gun store, right? Come walking in. There’s some redneck there. I’m like, “Hey, man.” I go, “I wanna get a gun.” He’s like, “I hear ya. Whatcha looking for? Whatcha want? Mossberg? Over/under? A .357 Magnum? Right?” Starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? I don’t know shit. I’m trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch, ’cause I don’t know anything about guns. So I was like, “What do I do here? Ah, hell, I’m gonna go with honesty.” I go, “Look, dude, I don’t know anything about guns. They terrify me. But I’m worried about the zombies. All right?” Dude’s just like… “You need a shotgun. You need a shotgun, man. It’s got a good spread. It’s easy to load, doesn’t have a lot of working parts. Got a good spread.” He kept saying that. “It’s got a good spread.” I’m like, “What does that mean?” He goes, “Well, that means you ain’t gotta be that accurate. It’s got a good spread. Further away you are, the more shit you hit. It’s got a good spread. In fact, you got a problem over here, you ain’t even gotta look. You just turn… pow! That’s it. You ain’t got a problem over here anymore. Anything that was even remotely a problem ain’t there anymore. Trust me. And then these people here… they saw what you just did here. You ain’t got a problem here either… feel me? 90 degrees taken care of right there… one shot. These people get smart, flip it over… whap! That’s it. It’s got a good spread.” So I’m, like, laughing my ass off. I’m like, “Dude, look. I just wanna shoot the guy. I don’t want to have to do a bunch of drywall work. You know? Reframe my diploma. Get my parakeet another friend. You know? I just wanna shoot the guy.” So I’m like, “You know, how ’bout one of these pistols?” So he does, like, that classic, like, that redneck trailing off thing like, “All right, you want a pistol, go ahead and get a pistol… What do I know? I just been here 20 years. Get a shiny one, right?” So I was like, “What’s wrong with getting a pistol?” He goes, “I’ll tell you why, buddy. ‘Cause life… Life ain’t a movie. You feel me?” I’m like, “No, can you please stop speaking in these backwoods riddles? Can you just say what you’re saying? I told you I don’t know shit about guns. Come on, do me a solid here.” He goes, “Look, you ever watch a movie, guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw… he kills three people. Real life, man, you miss. You miss all the fucking time. You miss enough times, man, you’re empty. Might as well juts be standing there with a big stapler in your hand. Then what ya gonna do?” I was like, “Well, fuck it. Let’s get the shotgun.” He’s all ready to box the thing up, and then I’m like, “Wait a minute.” I live with my girl. I can’t just show up with a shotgun, right? That’s not some shit you can just come home with. If I found this stool on the side of the road, I can come home with this. Look at it! We can refinish it. We can carve our initials in it. We can have a good time, right? I can’t just show up with a shotgun. “Hey, I got it for us!” Right? One barrel for you, one for me. No. So she kiboshes the whole thing. Till the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway. Starts fucking with her head, right? So she starts reading up on guns, you know? But she’s reading too much, ’cause now she wants to get one, but she’s just like, “Well, I heard you gotta keep the bullets in a safe, keep the stock in the garage.” And then what? Then what, I run around the house and assemble it as some dude’s chasing me with an ax, you know? Are you even thinking this thing through, sweetheart? Running around. “Where… where’s the scope?” “It’s in the living room.” “He’s in the living room!” No, if we’re getting this thing, I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall, right there. I’ll put that thing in my jam-jam sleeves. Whoof! just like that. There’s no other point. It’s funny, though, when you talk about getting a gun, you know? People, like, they’re either totally for it or completely against it, you know? They either go nuts and start screaming, right? Or they start throwing out those stats: “You know, actually, you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% the second you get a gun in the house.” Really? What, ’cause I’m gonna load it and shower with it, like… uhh… uh… uhh… The fuck? I know it’s dangerous. You get a pool in your backyard, you immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard, right? You couldn’t do that before. Now you step on a rake, in you go! No, I’m telling you, I don’t buy into any of that shit. Stats are so fucking stupid, you know? Not that they’re stupid. It’s the way people apply ’em. You already have your mind made up, and then you go to i’mright.com, you start memorizing a bunch of shit, then you just… blaaah! Just throw it up at people. This guy tried to get me to go scuba diving. I go, “I’m not going. I don’t wanna get eaten by a shark.” He’s like, “Well, actually, 90% of shark attacks actually happen in shallow water.” It’s like, no shit. That’s where the people are. You know? It’s called the beach. 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline. It’s not like there’s people swimming to Europe. “Let’s go to Iceland, you pussies!” Right? I don’t know. But I actually like Los Angeles. One of the few east coast people that likes it. All my moron New York friends and Boston friends, they come out there, try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning. And they can’t. Like, “This fucking place sucks! It’s not like exactly where I left. What’s the point of traveling if it’s gonna be different?” That’s so fucking stupid. Get a burrito and go on a hike. What’s wrong with you? You gonna go to Hawaii… “There’s no pond hockey! This place sucks!” I got to admit, the only thing that freaks me out about Los Angeles is all the plastic surgery. I don’t get it. Why do people get plastic surgery, you know? Why can’t you just admit it’s over? You know? You had your time. Stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s. It’s weird! With their faces yanked back… Looking all shiny, right? Not to mention they haven’t even figured it out, you know? Why would you get a face-lift? Can’t you look at other face-lifts and realize they haven’t worked all the bugs out yet? That’s what you wanna look like? Like you just lost a fight three days ago? Don’t be a hero. Let somebody else go in there… Take the fucking beach. You lay back… Wait it out. They’re just lying to people. “No, no, it looks great. Looks great. Put a little ice on it, we’ll see you in a couple of weeks. All right, take it easy. Jesus Christ! What the fuck happened? We followed every step. Did we miss something? Oh, hey, hey, hey! Oh, here’s your keys. Here’s your keys. There you go, there you go. Almost didn’t recognize you, you look so young. All right, take it easy. She gone? All right, she’s gone. Shred everything. Shred it!” No, you’re nuts. You wait it out. Let ’em figure it out, then you fucking go in. Don’t be a goddamn hero, you know? Look at hair plugs. Hair plugs don’t look half bad now. Saw this guy the other night on TV. He’s like, “Oh, god, I wish I did this ten years ago.” It’s like, no, you don’t! Ten years ago, when they were stapling ant legs to the tops of people’s heads? Remember that? Your eyes would water looking at their hairline… like, “Is that sewn in? I see pine tar!” They used to put you in, like, a headlock. “Hold still!” Use, like, a nail gun. “Hold still!” Guys would tap out after a row and a half. “Fuck it! I don’t give a shit!” You wish you got hair plugs ten years ago. Do you wish you got polio 60 years ago? What else is on your wish list, sir? No, you don’t fuck with your face… Okay? I understand liposuction. They screw that up, you can put on a shirt, right? There’s no shirt for your face. Who do they think they’re fooling with their stupid… You know? And then you lie to yourself: “I’m just gonna do a little… just gonna do this. Just gonna have this done.” No, you’re not. You’re not. What, are you just gonna wax the Fender on your car then that’s it, and the rest of it looks all shitty? “Well, maybe I’ll just do the hood. And maybe I’ll do the back.” That’s how it happens. Then you look like one of those real housewives… Face all twisted up. Fucking idiots. “Hey, do I look… ” [laughter] yeah, they’re idiots! “Do I look like I’m in my 20s?” No, you look weird. You look fucking weird. You still look like you’re in your 50s. I just can’t guess what year anymore because I’ve never seen that year. I’ve never seen that shiny fucking look. It’s almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53. Yeah. People, there’s nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52, all right? You’re 52. You didn’t get fucked. [Applause] Yeah. What would you rather be… 52 and look 52 or be 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard? All right? That’s your options at this point. [Laughs] You know what’s really… like actually embarrassing is that the face-lift… that’s predominately a white problem. Have you noticed that? I’ve never seen a black person with a face-lift ever other than like the Jacksons. But they’re all out of their minds, right? ‘Cause their dad made ’em rehearse all day and sleep in the fireplace. Like jamming all nine… “Get in there, you bastards!” No hugs, no kisses. His face permanently twisted up from 50 years of screaming, “Sing, motherfucker!” It’s understandable with them. [Laughs] Hey, do you know why so many whities need face-lifts? I love that word. I’m trying to bring it back. I love it, it’s funny. Whitey! You know why? Do you know why so many caucasians need face-lifts? ‘Cause we don’t know about lotion. See that? Only half of you laughed. That should’ve been everybody. Yeah, but a lot of you were sitting there like, “Well… What about lotion? “What is this lotion you speak of, and what is the magic therein?” Just to put it out there, you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick. Yeah. If you ever wondered why your dick still looks brand-new but the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate, it’s ’cause you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. All right? You got skin everywhere. Go home. Check yourself out. The bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed. That’s not part of the natural aging process. You’re dried out. I’m not judging you. Not judging anybody. I didn’t know anything about lotion. Never used it the first 33 years of my life. Never used it. Till one night I was going out with this black girl, right? She was getting ready, and she was just putting that shit on everywhere. Just slathering it on. I thought she had, like, a rash or something. I’m like, “What, do you got, like, poison Ivy? What’s going on with you?” She goes, “No, I’m just making sure I’m not ashy.” I said, “Ashy?” She goes, “Dry skin.” And I went, “Oh!” I guess I freaked her out a little bit, ’cause I was like, “Oh!” She was like, “Well, white people get ashy too.” I was like, “Yeah, you know, I don’t think we do.” [Laughter] “Yeah, I been alive for 33 years. No one has ever said, ‘Hey, Bill, you’re looking a little ashy.’ I never even heard that word until you said it.” She’s like, “You’re an idiot. Stick out your arm.” So I stick out my arm, and ever so gently, she just drags her nails down. This smoke starts coming up. It’s like pastry flakes flying off. Track marks. She’s signing her name. She’s like, “You see that?” She goes, “That’s ashy. You’re ashy.” Freaked me out. I’m like, “Holy shit, I’m ashy!” I didn’t know anything about it. All I knew was that I always got itchy in the winter. Couldn’t figure it out. Always got itchy in the winter. Why the fuck do I get itchy? I thought it meant the bath towel was dirty. That’s what I thought. And I would change it out and put a fresh one. “Now I’m gonna be okay.” Take a shower. Dry off. Fucking itching again. God damn it, I hate the winter. See, that’s why you gotta hang out with everybody. [Laughter] Yeah. There’s too much information in the world, and every group of people misses a little bit. White people totally missed the lotion seminar at some point in history. I don’t know if it’s ’cause we can’t see it, you know? Black people get ashy, it like looks like they, like, leaned up against a chalkboard or something, you know? They can see it! They miss it, their friends help ’em out. Like, “Look at your ashy motherfucking elbow! What is wrong with you?” Right? [Applause] We missed that shit the way black people missed the whole register your weapons summit. Right? Just never got the information. The amount of rappers who’ve been busted for the unregistered glock in the car just blows my mind. It’s like, why would you do that to yourself? Do you just wanna make an album over the phone? Is that what it is? Is that, like, the new auto-tune or some shit? I don’t know. It breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think, “God, if he just had one white friend… If he just had one white friend in his entourage…” Dude would have been sitting there going like, “Is that thing registered? You outta your mind? Dude, get it outta there. Get it outta there. Yeah, it’s illegal! That’s, like, fucking three to five, mandatory! Dude, how do you not know that? That’s the question. How do you not fucking know that? This guy’s got an unregistered weapon in the car, and we’re just gonna go driving around with it. It’s just… it’s just ridiculous!” [Laughter] So see? There ya go, all right? You don’t need a face-lift, okay? Lay off the booze. Do some cardio. Moisturize. You’re gonna be fine. Okay? Don’t believe in these myths. Black don’t crack. It’s bullshit. They all put lotion on, like, every 20 minutes during the day. It’s ridiculous! They all got a giant oil drum with the shit at home. Every morning, they wake up, they dunk themselves in it, shake themselves off, and walk out the door absolutely glistening! Glistening! White guys like me are walking around, no hat on… “Uh, let’s go sailing!” Passing out facedown in the sand. [Laughs] Speaking of no boozing, man, I been really trying to clean up my act as far as that boozing thing goes. Just really been laying off it, you know? I don’t know what it is. Your fucking head gets big as you get older, you know? You keep boozing, you start getting that big Alec Baldwin / John Travolta head. And you don’t notice though, ’cause every day, you’re brushing your teeth and you’re seeing your head, and it’s just getting a little bit bigger. Keep drinking. “I’ll have another one” right? Then one day you go to take that cell phone picture, and you’re just, like, 6 inches in front of everybody else. You don’t think it’s a big deal. Maybe you leaned in, ’cause you’re feeling good, right? Then all of a sudden, you look at the picture. It’s like, “Fucking yeah! Whoo!” It’s like, “I gotta lay off this shit.” So I’ve been trying to learn… learn how to fix shit around the house. That’s what’s filling up all this time of just being sober. That’s brutal, dude. You have no idea how long a year is until you’re stone sober. It’s fucking brutal. So I’m learning how to fix shit, right? My girlfriend doesn’t like it ’cause she says I have a temper, you know? She’s like, “You know, it’s just not that you’re trying to fix things, it’s that you get frustrated, you punch the wall, the dog starts shaking. I just don’t think it’s a good idea. You know, you’re a comedian. You should tell jokes. He’s a plumber. He should plumb, right?” [Laughs] I’m trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something, right? Everybody does that. [Applause] Right? Yeah! You buy something at Ikea. You get halfway through putting it together. You’re like, “Dude, where the fuck is the fucking… oh, there it is. There it is. There it is. Honey, I didn’t see it. I didn’t see it! Why, you wanna put it together? You wanna… well, then you put it together. You put together this fucking particle board piece of fucking shit. These instructions make no sense! I will buy another one! I will buy another one. I’ll buy fucking five and smash four if I want to. Don’t tell me what to do! Oh, go to your mother’s. I don’t give a shit. Jesus Ch… yeah, what story you gonna tell? This one, right? Not the part about how I pay all the fucking bills, right? How was that uncalled for? How was that uncalled for? I wasn’t even talking to you! I was talking to the fucking thing! I was talking to the fucking thing! I know what I said. I know what I said, okay? You don’t need to tell me. I know what I said, yes. I am working on it. I am working on it, all right? Look… look, you think I wanna be this guy? You think I wanna be the guy who flips out about the fucking tables? I don’t, okay? This isn’t who I am. This is who I became, all right? I’m working through this shit. You didn’t have to speak… well, you do shit too, okay? You do shit too. Well, I thought you were going to your mother’s!” [Laughter] No, it’s brutal. I hate having a temper, man. It’s fucking embarrassing. You know? I don’t know. I’m sick of women trying… every girl I ever date’s always trying to fix me. Gets annoying after a while, you know? Like you’re not out of your mind with all your fucking shoes? Right? What is that all about? I’m sick of this hypothetical perfect guy. Go get him. Go down to Applebee’s, let me know what you find. Okay? I’ve had it. I’m working, I’m trying. You go down and you get this “Mr. even-keeled all the time” with his little fucking sport coat, right? You live with that guy for a while, you know? “Hey, honey, I’m home. How are ya? Traffic was crazy. Almost lost it, but thank god I had that book on tape, right? Gulliver’s travels. Always a classic. Always a classic.” That’s the guy you want, straight across the board? Even in the bedroom, right? Always making love to you missionary style. “I love you. Your hair is like an ocean.” Never knowing you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows, you fucking psycho, right? [Laughs] Naw, she’s right. She’s always right. I do, I gotta work on it. I hate having a temper, you know? I don’t know if it’s hereditary. I don’t know if it’s part of the country I’m from. I’ve always snapped, you know? My dad was like that. My dad‘s the greatest dude I ever met in my life, and he had a temper. Anytime anything broke in the house, five minutes into fixing it, he was bitching about his marriage. [Laughs] It was hilarious. He’d see something broke… “Oh, Christ, will you look at that? Goddamn it, Billy, gimme that fucking screwdriver. I swear to god, I don’t know what the fuck I ever got married for. 13 goddamn years of this shit. You’re a bitch, lady! You been a bitch for years. Give me the pliers. Yeah, most guys would’ve left by now! Most guys would’ve left by now!” [Laughs] That was one of his catchphrases: “Most guys would’ve left by now” and “You don’t know how fucking good you got it, lady!” [Laughter] Yeah, when I was a kid, I thought he was nuts. Then I got older, you know, started dating. I realized, “Eh, this guy’s making a lotta good points.” [Laughter, applause] “He’s not expressing them in the healthiest of ways.” I gotta be honest with you. I’m kinda, like, jealous of the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes, you know? Where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on, you know? When did they stop making those angels who just knew it had nothing to do with them. They’d just sit there, let you blow out the lines, right? What a luxury… Right? To fail all day, you come home and download all your insecurities on this other person. “How was your day?” “How the fuck was your day? I’m out here making decisions! Take these kids away from me. Get me a goddamn drink. Oh, with the tears!” [Laughs] Then the bra-burning generation came in, right? Now you gotta sit there and listen to their stories all the time. Oh, it’s the worst. You know what’s the worst? Is when they’re telling you a story and you wanna listen, but just what they’re talking about, you can’t even retain it. “So I was supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. I’m all ready to do that. I show up. She’s there with Susan. She knows I hate Susan. I look like shit. Susan’s been going to the gym.” I mean, at that point, your head is like a newborn baby. You’re trying to… Trying to hold it up, you know? You can’t! Even if you try to pay attention, you can’t. You just start staring at their mouth after a while, like, “I can’t believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable.” Like, “rrhh-rrhh-rrhh rrhh-rrhh-rrhh.” It starts fading off… “Eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh-eehh…” You start thinking about your own life, right? “Why’d I take Nebraska giving 28? What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s an away game.” All of a sudden, her voice goes “eehh-eehh… ” it goes up, all right? “Eehh-eehh-eet.” Like, “Aw, fuck. That was a question.” [Laughter, applause] All right, now what do you do? Can’t say yes. You can’t say no. You gotta come with something neutral. “Eh, what the fuck you gonna do? What are ya gonna do? It is what it is. You put one foot in front of the other, and, uh…” Halftime adjustments. Uh… Got nothing. [Laughs] No. I don’t wanna make my dad out like a psycho. My dad’s the best dude I know, man. But you know, I understand him, though. He’s like the exact opposite of me, you know? I planned out my life a little more, right? That’s why I never got married. Never thought about getting married. It just looked horrific. It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of ’em failed. Then if you had a kid, you had that whole weird situation, right? You got this thing that half looks like you, half looks like somebody you used to love and now wanna slap the shit out of, right? Kid’s coming up to the walk. You’re like, “Son, just look to the right a little. Let me just kinda… ” “But, dad, I wanna look at ya.” [Laughs] It’s brutal! My dad was the exact opposite. Fell in love, got married, just started having kids. Had five kids by the time he was 33. Pre-Oprah, pre-Dr. Phil, pre- chicken soup for the “Holy fuck, I got five kids. I don’t even know who I am yet.” The pressure of that, feeding all those kids, man. I’m telling you. Every three or four days, he would just snap. Just snap outta nowhere, you know? “Can you pass the salt?” “Ah, you fucking bitch! What the fuck did I get married for, it’s bullshit!” Boom! he’d slam the door, have the car in third gear by the time he got it to the end of the driveway. Buh-buh-bah-bah! My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him, turn around, look at the kids, and just be like… “Sss. eesh!” [Laughter] “Now, he’s just crazy. He’s just a crazy person. What is wrong with him?” Eight hours later, he’d show up. No apology. She’d have dinner ready. She messed it up, he’d give her a rough time. “Christ, you cooked the shit out of it!” [Laughs] I don’t know. I think I’ll be a good dad, though. You know? [Laughter] I do. [Laughs] No, analyze it. Actually, it’s finally come to the point, I wanna have a kid, and I don’t think it’s that hard. I don’t. Part of me really believes that, and the other part is I just like pissing off people with kids, you know? Whenever you say shit like that… “Dude, you have no idea how difficult it is!” This is a great one to say. “Well, I mean, I got a dog, I mean… You know? How much diff… ” “Dude, you can’t even fucking compare it to a dog!” “Yeah, I can. I just did, and I’ll do it again. Mine’s got four legs. Yours only has two. Go ahead. Yours bites someone, it gets a time out. Mine gets put down. Stakes are raised.” No, I think I know. I think I know how to raise a kid. You know what it is? You just play catch with ’em. I think that’s the big deal. That’s how you raise a kid. You play catch with ’em. And you just talk about life. You distract ’em by throwing the ball. They don’t even notice you’re filling their heads up with your theories. Right? You don’t do it the old-school way the way your parents used to. Sit down across from you… “You wanna tell me about your day? Did anybody offer you any drugs? You learning about sex?” You’re like, “Dude, you’re fucking freaking me out! Trying to eat a pop-tart here” right? No, you just take him in the back. You play catch with him. That’s it. You talk about life, right? “What’s that, son? Ah, we’re not going to church today. Fuck that. Ah, it’s all a bunch of bullshit. God’s everywhere, but I gotta go down there to see him? Really? And he’s mad at me down there, and I owe ya money? Go fuck yourself. That’s stupid. It’s ridiculous. It’s in here, all right? It’s not down… it’s in here. They try to take it. It’s in here. You do something good, you feel good. You do something bad, you feel bad, you know? Unless you’re, like, a sociopath, then you don’t feel shit, you know? Unless you got somebody duct-taped upside down in your apartment, you know? If you do something like that, I want you to feel like you can come to me, you know? Yeah, come to me. Confess all of that. We’ll go down to the precinct. We’ll tell them everything. Yeah, I’m gonna turn you in. This isn’t fucking Dexter. What are you, out of your mind? Gonna have some feel-good serial killer walking around. He only kills the bad people.” [Laughter] “Listen, I know your mother and I, we’ve been arguing a lot lately, all right? But you know I love her. I love her to death, okay? It’s weird. I love her to death, but when I watch her eat toast, just wanna… I just wanna choke her. I don’t know what it is. It’s the routine… right, left, then the middle. Why don’t you just fold it in half and fucking eat it? You know what I mean? It’s unreal, you know? That’s when you know, you know, you met the right one. When you wanna slap the shit out of them, but you don’t. You know? You wanna leave, but you don’t. There’s something about ’em… You just can’t fucking leave. Right? So don’t settle down till you meet one like that. That’s when you know. Till then, you don’t put a condom on, you know? Just bang as many as you can so you don’t have a midlife crisis. That’s what you do. Don’t tell your mother I’m telling you any of this shit either.” [Laughing] [Cheers and applause] Yeah. That’s my, uh… That’s my game plan. You know, I do have a dog. That doesn’t count for anything? Never understood that, you know? I love my dog, but, uh… I’ve learned a lot being a dog owner, man, you know? Any dog’s a good dog unless you’re a psycho. You know? I got a pit bull. It’s still a great dog, unless you’re a fucking psycho. And evidently, I’m a psycho, because my dog has been… just been a complete maniac over the last, like, six months, you know? I didn’t realize that dogs feed off your vibes, you know? Like if you’re chillin’, they’re chillin’, you know? If you’re sleeping, they’re sleeping. But if you’re a psycho like me and you’re screaming at the ref on TV, being like, “Dude, you gotta be fucking kidding me!” I didn’t realize the dog was over in the corner being like, “Yeah, you gotta be fucking kidding me. This is bullshit! I don’t know what this guy’s mad at, but I love this guy! This guy feeds me… Is it the door? Are ya mad at the door?” [Laughter] Yeah. I had no idea I was amping this dog up. I’m so selfishly in my own world. I’d be like on the computer, it’d crash. “Oh, really? Really?!” Dog’s over in the corner with, like, a chew toy. [Growling] I never noticed, like, that game-seven look she was gettin’ on her face. And one day, I amped her up too much, had no clue, and I went outside. We were just walking down the street, and some poor bastard comes the other way and the dog’s like, That’s that motherfucker! Aaaahhh!” Lunges at this guy! I had to pull her back. I’m like, “Dude, I’m sorry, man, I’m sorry. She’s never done anything like that” right? Looking down at the dog like, “What’s wrong with you?” Dog’s looking up at me like, “Huh? I got that son of a bitch, didn’t I? I love you! You feed me. I got you. How the hell did you see him that far away, man? Your ears must be better than mine… it’s unbelievable.” Right? Then I got nervous. I got nervous around my own dog. I started thinking, “Fuck, are pit bulls really like this? Do they just go psycho? Man, this is nuts” right? That’s another bad vibe to have around your dog, ’cause they pick up on that vibe, right? This dude comes walking down the street, and I immediately just start thinking like, “Oh, shit, she gonna do it again? Oh, shit, oh, shit.” Dog just looks at me like, “Oh, shit, what? Oh, shit, what? Him? Him, him? Rrraaaah!” Runs at another guy. Gotta pull her back. “Jesus Christ, I’m sorry!” Looking down at the dog. Dog’s trying to chest bump me and shit, right? Dude, it got so bad one day, she almost ate a landscaper, right? Yeah! so I’m like, “I gotta take this thing to a trainer, man.” So I load it up in the Prius and I drive over there, right? [Laughter] Yeah, I have a Prius. Go ahead, judge me. I love that shit. If you have a Prius, people… you know? You can’t win. You got a truck with a big lift kit… people, “Oh, it’s probably ’cause he has a little dick.” How come it’s not ’cause he has a dick down to the floor? Maybe that’s why he needs all that clearance, right? [Laughter] You know? [Laughs] And if that means you have a little dick, then if I have a Prius, doesn’t that mean I have a huge dick, right? ‘Cause according to my friends, it means I’m a fag, right? Anyways… Let me towel off here for a moment. So I fucking take this dog down to this trainer, right? And I show up, got the dog in the back. Trainer comes out. He’s got his hat on backwards, he’s got stubble, you know? Big, large cargo pants, you know? All shorts on and stuff and I’m thinking, “This guy’s a psycho” right? And I look at my dog, my dog’s, like, sizing him up. I’m like, “This is perfect. He can handle her.” So the guy goes, “All right, when you hand this dog to me, make sure you got the leash totally taut like that, all right? Don’t have any slack in it.” I said, “No problem” right? And somehow I fucked up. I left a little slack in it, and this dog just lunged right at the dude’s balls. Right? And just barely missed him and just got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts, right? And immediately he just grabs her and goes, “All right, get outta here! Get outta here!” Right? But instinctually, I tried to help out. He just goes, “Get the fuck outta here!” Yeah, I didn’t realize that the only reason why the dog was acting like that was because I was there and it felt like it needed to protect me. So the second I left, the situation immediately just became awkward, right? Dog was just sitting there like, [valley accent] “Okay, like I thought were, like, together and we were, like, friends, and you were some bad guy, and all of a sudden, he just drove away, and I don’t know how to feed myself. You wanna be friends?” Yeah, I come back four days later. The dog’s laying at the guy’s feet, right? He’s rubbing her belly. She’s reaching up, playing with his goatee and shit. And he goes, “Go ahead, have a seat. Why don’t you, uh, take me through your day with this dog.” Immediately, I started getting, like, this first 48 vibe, right? Like they’re coming at me. So I got like defensive. I’m like, “What do you mean? I take it for a hike every morning.” He goes, “That’s good. That’s good. Anything, you know, special happen on the hike?” I’m like, “Well, I don’t know. She takes a shit. I pick it up.” He’s like, “All right. Easy. You play any games with her?” I go, “Yeah, at the end of the hike. I let her, you know, for reward for going on the hike, I let her run up the stairs by herself. I go, ‘Go on, Cleo!’ I let her run up the stairs, and I count 5-1,000, and then I run up there, and then we start wrestling. Put her in a headlock. Sweep her front legs. Haaaah! Right? But her tail’s wagging, you know? She’s not growling.” I go, “That’s a good thing, right?” He’s like, “No, it’s fucking horrible.” I’m like, “Why?” He goes, “You just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for it every fucking day after the hike. No wonder this thing’s trying to attack the mailman, you know?” So then I got upset. I’m like, “Wait a minute, dude, you’re telling me, like, I can’t even play with my dog?” He’s like, “No, you can play with it, but you gotta bring that energy back down. The problem is you keep amping this thing up, getting that Mike singletary look on his face. Then by the time you walk out, doesn’t matter if you’re relaxed… mentally, the dog is like walking through the tunnel at the Rose bowl like, ‘this is what we play for! somebody hit somebody!'” Yeah, so I’m actually learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull. So… I don’t know. My girl’s been bugging me lately. She’s ready to settle down. I think I’m ready to settle down, too, you know? I got the want. I know I been saying this shit for years. I have been, you know? She’s great. The only thing I don’t like is she’s really into reality TV. She watches all those dumb shows. Put ten whores in a house, somebody tries to find a wife. Right? She watches fat people cry about fudgsicles. Just blubbering their eyes out. “Sometimes I don’t even open the wrapper. I just start eating, and then I get down to the stick, and I know I should stop ’cause it’s made out of wood.” She sits there crying right along with ’em. Ah, throw yourself in the river, you fat fuck. Ah, she gets so mad at me. Look, I don’t put on TV to cry. I like to be entertained. I love when they fall on the treadmill and go flying into the drywall. It’s like some modern-day medieval weapon! I love it! All those horrific shows. Biggest fights we have, she watches, uh, intervention. – Yeah. – That’s, uh… you like that? “Oh, my god, it’s so awesome watching a family completely fall apart.” [Laughs] What is entertaining about that? When they have that classic before picture, the pre-meth picture… “She was so beautiful. She was the prom queen. Everybody loved her.” Then they cut to her, like, laying in, like, a gutter… “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick.” [Laughs] No, we have these huge battles. You know what the maddest she ever got at me was? One time she was watching this show. It was like a poor excuse for The View, and they started talking about domestic violence, right? For the 9 millionth time this year, they’re talking about domestic violence. Just in case, you know, you didn’t get the memo, you know? Evidently, you know, just some people didn’t get it. It’s not okay to slam your wife’s head into the cupboard drawers because she didn’t dry the can opener off properly, you know? “It’s gonna fuckin’ rust!” Right? How do you not know not to do that shit? Do they really have to keep talking about it? Who… who… it’s like wife beaters are watching… “Oh! Fuck! Ah! “Now I get it. Upsy-Daisy, sweetheart. Here we go. There ya go. Oh…” So at the end of the hour, they come to the logical conclusion. They’re like, [effeminately] “There is no reason to hit a woman. There is no reason to hit a woman.” And I was just like, “Really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head. You could wake me from a drunken stupor, I could still give you, like, nine!” Dude, there’s plenty of reasons to hit a woman, you just don’t do it. But to sit there and suggest that there’s no reason… Dude, the level of ego behind that statement… What are you, levitating above the rest of us? You’re never annoying? Women, how many times have you thought about slapping your fucking guy in the head this week? – Every day! – There ya go! Every day. [Applause] You didn’t do it, right? Oh, dude, it drives me nuts. “There’s no reason. There’s no reason.” Really? No reason? How ’bout this? You marry a girl, you fall in love, you buy her a house. You go to work every day, paying off the house. You come home one day, she’s banging the next-door neighbor, hands you divorce papers. You gotta move out, sleep on a futon, and still pay for that house that she’s gonna stay in. No reason? [Laughter] I’m not saying you should do it, but there’s plenty of fucking reasons in that arc of a story. All right, that was a hypothetical. You want an actual story? I’ll give you one. I’ll give you one. All right, I fucked up my foot playing drums, trying to get my bass-drum foot as fast as John Bonham’s, ’cause I figure that’s a good thing to focus on. 43 years of age, never married, no kids. I figure this is gonna lead me to the light, right? This is what I need to do. [Applause] So I don’t know what I did. I felt like… I played for, like, an hour, and afterwards I felt like, literally, like there was some midget stabbing me in the bottom of my foot, right? Like I had lightning coming out of the bottom of my foot. So I did the typical guy thing: “I’m not going to the hospital. I’ll sleep it off. I’ll be fine” right? Next morning, I wake up, my foot’s even worse and I gotta walk my crazy dog. So I’m like, “I can’t do it. My foot’s killing me.” So I wake up my girl. I go, “Wweetheart, sweetheart. Can you do me a favor? Can you do me a favor? Can you walk the dog for me? Can you just take the shift? I’ll do your afternoon shift. Can you just do me this solid? Can you do this for me?” She’s just like, “Ohh… You know, I had a late night last night. I’m tired. I have a big day.” And I just go, “Fuck it.” She goes, “What do you mean, ‘fuck it’?” It’s like, “Why can’t you just say no? Why do you always gotta, like, waterboard me with, like, a 20-minute explanation that eventually winds its way around to ‘go fuck yourself’? Just say no!” So I’m just limping out of the room. “Whatever. Go back to bed. You got a big day, right?” So now I’m, like, limping down the street. I got, like, tourette’s. “Fucking goddamn bullshit!” Dog’s walking next to me… “Bbbrrr! Rrrr! Brrr! Rrrr!” I gotta admit, I got a little childish. I did. I got a little childish, you know? I was just thinking about my relationship. I’m like, “This is the relationship I’m in? You’re just gonna do whatever the hell you wanna do, all right, and fuck me? Fine. I’m gonna do whatever the hell I wanna do. I feel like listening to my iPod on full blast walking around the house. That’s what I’m gonna do.” So that’s what I did. Turned it all the way up, and I just… my whole plan was just to walk by her like I didn’t even know her. That was it. She came down the hall. I just ghosted her. Just walked right past her. Just trying to piss her off. And I gotta tell you something, worked like a charm. Worked like a charm. Yeah, hung my coat up, turned around. By the time I turned around, she was already yelling at me. But the music was so loud, not only could I not hear her, it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to. Oh! It’s one of the highlights of the relationship. So I knew what she was saying. I was like, “Whatever. I don’t wanna talk about it. Leave me alone. I’m going on to the computer.” Right? So I limp over and I sit down, and unbeknownst to me she’s like, “No, we’re gonna talk about this right now.” Comes up… poom! And slaps the headphones off my head. I got big ears. It fuckin’ hurt! So I’m like, “Honey, leave me alone. I don’t wanna talk about it.” Put the headphones back on. She comes right back up again. Poom! slaps ’em off a little harder. This time, they spin halfway around my head. Caveman DNA starts coming up. Talking through my teeth. “Honey, leave me alone. Don’t wanna talk about it.” Right? Put ’em on. Third time she comes up… poom! Slaps ’em right across the room, and I snap. I’m like, “Fine, you wanna have the fight, let’s fucking have the fight.” She’s like, “We will discuss this later when you calm down.” Oh! right there! I just wanted to roll her up in her yoga mat and stuff her behind the couch. Just leave her there till she got thirsty. “Come on, let me outta here. I-I have a spin class. You’ve made your point. This is ridiculous.” No, that’s the thing. Really is. That’s the thing. I hate that, saying there’s no reason. Obviously, I’m not saying to hit a woman, you know? But saying there’s no reason, I think that’s crazy. [Laughter] When you say there’s no reason, that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that place. If you say there’s no reason… whooh… you cut out the buildup, you’re just left with the act. How are you gonna solve it if you don’t figure it out? Look how awkward it is in here right now. [Cheers and applause] I said you shouldn’t hit a woman. I’m just saying, how come you can’t ask questions? You can only ask questions about what the guy did. You can never ask about the woman. Why is that? Why is that? What is that? Answer him right. What does “Answer him right” mean? What does that mean? Are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special, during the bit, and you’re, like, walking around like I’m not fucking taping a special here? What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with you? [Applause] Fucking had to ignore all of that, and now you’re gonna, like, yell out, and not only that, yell something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever? “Answer him. Answer him.” [Scattered tittering] Every fucking special I do, there’s always one! Always, right down the fuckin’ middle. Talking about hitting women, sweetheart, and I think you just added another reason. [Cheers and applause] Jesus fucking Christ. I love this. I’m not even in a relationship with her, and she’s fucking nagging me. [Laughter] Fucking unbeliev… “uhhh uhhhh ehhh ehhh ah!” [Scattered laughter] Look, I understand hitting a woman’s a bad thing, okay? How come you can’t fucking ask questions? I just don’t understand. Like, if I get bit by a rattlesnake, wouldn’t you guys have some questions, right? “How did it happen? Did you not see it? Were ya fuckin’ with it? How did a snake get so mad, it almost killed ya?” Firemen put out a fire, they don’t just drive away afterwards. They sift through the debris. “How did it start? Here’s an oily rag.” Right? Look, I realize I’m coming off pretty ignorant right about now. I realize that. Let me extend an olive branch then, okay? I realize that there’s some animal guys out there, okay? Horrible guys, you know, have a rough day at the factory, come home… “Tuna casserole?”… and just start swinging, all right? I’m not trying to say that those people don’t exist. I realize they exist. They should be buried underneath the prison, okay? So if I can admit that, ladies, can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn’t just fall out of the fucking sky? Really? Even hockey has two minutes for instigating, right? They understand that some back and forth happened before that shit… you know? You know what it is? It’s every case is handled like that Rihanna one where they just say the guy’s a piece of shit, fuck this guy, blah blah blah, send him to jail, and then they never ask anything about that. You know, I’m not saying he should have done it. But I’m just saying… I’m just saying! Dude, in your heart of hearts… What do you think was going down before that happened? You think she was just sitting there going, “Oh, my god, Baskin Robbins. You wanna get some ice cream?” [Muttering] “Ah… fuckin’…” You know? Or do you think maybe they were having some epic end-of- the-relationship fight and some crazy shit was being said. Maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female shit like, “I’ll fuck all your friends! I don’t give a fuck! Maybe that’s why I sell more albums than you, motherfucker!” Right? To be fair, she could have just been sitting there going, “I need a tissue… do you keep those in the glove box? Oh, my god, I’ll bring my own! I’ll bring my own!” No, fuck that. ‘Cause you know what it is? They never address how women argue, which I think is a core of a lot of that shit, you know? And I gotta tell you something, man. Like, I never knew how women argued, but after 20 years of losing every significant battle in a relationship, I finally figured out how they argued, and I’m gonna tell you something. I’m starting to turn this franchise around. [Laughs] I have begun a winning tradition. This is how they argue, as far as I can tell, all right? If they’re right, they argue the point, and they stay on point and make sure you stay on point until you’re down on your knees apologizing, begging for forgiveness, all right? No problem with that. Totally respect it. But here’s the thing… if they’re wrong, they go rogue. They go off-road. They start thinking of shit you’re sensitive about, maybe you don’t get along with your dad, and in their head, they just start concocting this evil statement… Totally designed. This desperate, hail-Mary attempt to make you so fucking mad you just call ’em a cunt. It’s what it is. And cunt trumps all the bullshit they did to start the argument. Now it’s not about that… “Well, that’s no reason to call me a cunt!” And then that’s it. You’re in this room now, right? My girl knows my big thing is… my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old, you know, grows old alone, has, like, that basement apartment, just screaming up at the younger couple, “Turn it down! That isn’t music!” So I noticed that anytime she was losing a fight, out of nowhere she’d just be like, “Well, that’s why you’re just gonna grow old and be alone” and then I’d… aaaah! I’d lose my shit. The next thing you know, I’m in the kitchen, washing dishes for the ninth fucking time in a row. This is what the argument was about. I was so right. What happened? So if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight, just know this… next time you’re in a battle with your beautiful woman, your wife, girlfriend, whatever, and they start… out of nowhere, okay? You’re winning, and they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere. Just know in that moment you’ve won the fight, okay? All right? Don’t get mad. Bob and weave, slip all of that shit. “Maybe ’cause you got a little dick!” Just let that slide. Stay in the pocket of the argument. Okay? it’s over. The argument is over. You’ve won. Just take a knee and run out the clock, all right? [Applause] Yes! Lean on the ropes. Let ’em punch themselves out. And then in the end, you throw their psychology right back at ’em. “Well, maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down.” And they won’t hook up with you for a couple of days. Who cares? Who cares? You rub one out. Rub one out like a man. It’s the champagne of victory. [Laughter and applause] No, that’s what I’ve learned. I finally learned to, like, keep my cool in my relationship. Happened a couple years ago, right? Me and my girl had this big argument one day, right? Actually, you guys wanna hear a story? You wanna hear about the time my girl punched me in the face? – Yeah! – On her birthday? Ya wanna hear that one? [Audience whooping] This is what happened. To be… [Laughs] If I’m really honest, the fight started, like, three months earlier. It’s, like, the middle of march. We’re just driving around, you know. Since she sees this clothing store, she’s like, “Oh, my god. I didn’t know they had one of those out here! We need to stop and go in there.” So I… fuck it. Let’s go in there. I walk in, immediately I see it’s one of these stores that doesn’t have any chairs. I know what they’re trying to do. I’m gonna be standing right next to her, and when she likes something, I gotta buy it. I don’t give a fuck. I’m not playing that. I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin. Got like the dress hanging in my hair. “Sir, you can’t sit there.” “I don’t give a fuck. Looks like I’m doing it. Looks like I’m doing it, right?” [Laughs] So unbeknownst to me, she finds some sweater that she likes, right? Some ridiculously priced… like, 400 bucks or some shit like that, right? So she knows… It’s not her birthday, none of that crap. She can’t ask me for it. So now she’s gotta go into manipulation mode. “What do I use, what do I use? Do I be sad, do I pout? Do I use sex? Can’t do that.” You know what she went with? She went with the little girl. All right, she just came out, and she’s just like… [Laughter] I’m like, “What’s up?” She’s like, [pouty] “Saw something that I liked.” [Laughter] And I just wanted to be like, “Well, then why don’t you fucking pay for it?” Ha ha ha! So she goes over and she shows it to me, right? And I’m like, “It’s 400 bucks.” She goes, “Can you get it?” I go, “No. I’m not doing that. Fuck that. It’s not your birthday. It’s not Valentine’s day. It’s march. What, do I get you that for St. Patrick’s day? Get the fuck outta here. I’m not doing it.” [Laughs] So then what happened, we’re driving home, and somehow she manipulated the argument… not that she asked for the sweater and not that I said no… it was the way I said no, right? Got in this huge argument. Got so mad by the time we got back to the house, I just told her to get out, I’m driving away. So I just drove away in the Prius… whoosh. Right? So I was so fucked up about it, I had to call my sister up, right, call her up to get a female perspective. She’s laughing her ass off going, “You took all the bait. You’re an idiot.” I go, “What do I do? She goes, “Why don’t you go back down to the store and just buy the sweater, hold onto it, and give it to her a few months later for her birthday?” And I’m like, “Fucking genius! Genius!” I hate the pressure of the birthday, all her friends… [Effeminately] “So… What are you getting her? What are you gonna get her?” “Fucking sweater, bitch.” Bam! That’s it. Got it. All right? Fast-forward three months. It’s her birthday, right? I’m laying in bed, she wakes up, she wanted to go to some restaurant that night. She’s like, “Did you make the reservations?” I’m like, “I haven’t made ’em yet, but we’ll, you know, we’ll be good, right?” She starts freaking out. “What do you mean? It’s my birthday. What do you mean you didn’t make… didn’t make the reservations?” I’m like, “Wweetheart, it’s a Tuesday in the middle of a recession. I’m sure there’s gonna be a table” right? So she starts freaking out. In the back of my head, I’m like, “I got this sweater. I’m good, right?” So the more she yells at me, the funnier it becomes to me, but like an asshole, rather than laughing to myself, I sort of snickered out loud, right? Sort of giggled a couple times, and she just snapped, like, “Are you laughing at me? Are you laughing at me on my birthday?” And then the more she yelled, the more I laughed. The more I laughed, the more she yelled, and it was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up, right? She got all the way to the point she was standing at the back door going, “You gonna laugh at me on my birthday? Fuck you!” Boom! Slams the door. Duh-duh-duh-duh. Runs down the stairs. At that point, I’m literally in the fetal position, like, dying laughing, walking towards the bathroom. Then all of a sudden I hear, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! She came back up the stairs. And I’m not gonna lie to ya, I got a little scared for half a second. Nah, I did. I was in my underwear, I was feeling vulnerable. She comes flying into the bathroom, and the second I saw her face, I knew she was gonna hit me. Right? And I’m such an asshole, I actually have a game plan for when a woman’s gonna hit you. Like that’s how many women I’ve pissed off in my lifetime. I actually know it’s going down. This is how it is. Most women, they’re flailers. All right, unless they had some sort of MMA training, then you’re on your own. You’re probably gonna catch a few, right? But most of them are flailers. Most are right-handed. So you gotta guess overhand right. That’s the first thing you gotta guess. So you get down in the pocket, right? That overhand right comes in. Bam! You catch that wrist. Second the right’s coming, you know the left’s coming. Bam! You catch that one. This is the crucial moment. Second you got the right, the next, then you got the left, immediately, you gotta step back, and you gotta go like this. [Cheers and applause] ‘Cause she’s gonna try to kick you right in the balls. As she kicks you, then you spin ’em around, tuck your head down low, ’cause they will try to headbutt you, and then you just use the weight of your torso to slowly bring ’em down to the floor as you whisper sweet things: “Oh, look at the tiles. Remember you picked those out? They go so well with the wallpaper.” Right? [Applause] But she tricked me. She came into the bathroom. She invented this new punch. She didn’t throw a right. She didn’t throw a left. She came up with this two-fisted… I called it, like, the defibrillator, right? She caught me in the shoulder and, like, in my appendix, just fuckin’… wham! Like that. Almost went flying back into the bathtub. And I caught myself, and she’s all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. I didn’t. I just remained calm. I was just like, “Sweetheart… I think you need to go to work now.” She didn’t know what to do. She was like…[Panting] And she just walked out. All right? Went down to the car, drove to work. I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios. Sat down and started watching sportscenter. [Laughs] Fucking three minutes later, all of a sudden the phone rings. All right, pick up the phone and I just hear her going, [stiffly] “Hi. Okay. things got a little crazy.” I’m like, “A little crazy? You almost split my head open in the goddamn tub.” “I’m sorry, I’m just… I’m passionate.” That’s what they say when they start swinging. “I’m passionate. I just have so much love for you… I try to cause you to have a seizure.” I don’t know. I’m good at this. I fuck up my personal life all the time now. I really do, you know? I’m afraid to get married, man. Why would… as… what man wouldn’t be afraid to get married at this point? Look at Kobe. Look at the shit he’s going through right now. All right? Guy’s getting a divorce. His wife’s gonna get 70 million bucks. Never hit a layup in her life. You know? Can anybody explain… These divorce settlements? Can anybody make sense of these fucking things? Tiger Woods’s wife… $250 million! She’s a babysitter worth 1/4 of a billion fucking dollars! Somebody, go ahead… somebody explain… justify it. Justify it. What, what? He cheated on her? I don’t give a fuck! Yeah, I don’t give a fuck. He cheated on her. Great. The relationship’s over right then. Kobe cheated, right? Shouldn’t that relationship have been over right then? Why did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years, trying to get her fucking pension, right? Get that ten years in? [Laughs] I don’t know. Maybe that’s too harsh. That shit bothers me, man. Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country. [Laugher, applause] And every night I put on the news, and I’m waiting for someone to address it. Every night. Never see it, you know? And every night I bring up gold-digging whores, and the whole crowd pulls back like I’m up here talking about bigfoot, right? Like I’m saying the moon’s made out of cheese or something. Talking about whores, people! They’re everywhere! How many? How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half before we do something? Why is it so quiet in here? [Laughter] Goddamn! I don’t get it. What is it… women, do you think I’m calling you… I’m not calling any woman here a whore, okay? So don’t pull back. That’s not fair, okay? If you brought up wife beaters, I wouldn’t… uhh… pull back. I get it. There’s guys hitting women. They need to be stopped. We gotta understand that gold-digging whores are the wife beaters for men. Yeah, they are. Except we don’t have that Rihanna lumped up photo in the end, so it’s not obvious. It’s in the eyes. It’s in the lines in your face. It’s in Mel Gibson’s high-pitched voice on the answering machine: “I had to give up my laker tickets!” Right? That is the sound of a man being taken for everything he’s got. I gotta tell you, I’m envious of women, okay? I’m not saying your problems get solved, but at least they’re taken seriously. You know? You got 1-800 numbers, you got ribbons, there’s groups. People give a shit. Anything happens to a guy, it’s just considered funny. Some woman cut her husband’s dick off, threw it in the garbage disposal, and turned it on. People thought it was hilarious! They were, “Ahhhh! Hey, stumpy!” Nobody cares. Do you think if a guy removed a woman’s titty and threw it in the dryer, anybody would be joking about it the next day? The entire country would grind to a halt. There’d be a moment of silence. The NFL would have some special-colored headband everybody had to wear for an entire month. The most effeminate color they could possibly come up with. All my heroes are going down. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Another great man. Another great man. Taken down by that gold-digging whore of a maid he’s got. And I’m not saying he’s not a piece of shit for doing what he did… it was a piece of shit move… but how come only he got chastised? What about the maid? Why was she called the maid that entire story? She was never called a whore. Ever. Just boggles my mind. She knew his wife, first-name basis. Played with their kids, fucked her husband in their own goddamn bed. That’s right down the checklist… first ballot hall of fame whore. Right there. [Applause] Never. Why do you think she hooked up with him? Because of that 1987 flattop he’s still rockin’? The giant space between his teeth I could put this mic cord through? Or do you think maybe it’s all that Kindergarten Cop money laying around the goddamn bedroom? Oh, it’s awful. It’s a horrific thing to see as a guy… watching guys go through that shit, you know? And then there’s no sort of examination of it. They just go, “Ah, he’s an idiot. Eh, he’s stupid.” That guy’s stupid? If that guy’s stupid, what the fuck am I, right? Ha. Does it even make sense? Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all that and then fuck it up hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I’ve ever seen in my life? I’m not saying I’m a prize. I’m just saying, you know? [Scattered titters] It’s gotta be something beyond that, right? You know what I think it is? I think it comes down to the way he talks, you know? [Grunting gibberish with accent] That dude should be unloading trucks in Transylvania. That should have been the height of his success. But because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America, became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights. Nobody gives a shit. He lifts weights… “Aah, aah, aah!” Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: “I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me.” Against all odds, he starts making movies. “Get down! There’s a bomb. Get out of there!” [Laughter] Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. “What are you gonna do next, Arnie?” “I think I’ll marry a Kennedy.” “There’s no fucking way you can do that.” Bam! he does it. Cherry on top. I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce, and he wins the election. Why wouldn’t this guy think he couldn’t bang his maid in his own bed and get away with it? This dude has been in the zone for over four decades! Four decades… nothin’ but net. Bang a maid in my own bed? Dude, that’s a layup. Are you serious? I had a hit movie with a midget. I don’t even need a condom. [Silly voice] Uhhh, uhhh, uhhh, uhhh! Right? And then what happens? The smoke clears. Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork and start judging this great man. All these fatties, these fucking old guys who never got any with their jowls. Coming on TV… [blubbery voice] “Absolutely reprehensible behavior. What kind of a public servant… His legacy is… ” [Gibberish] [Laughs] Like they have any idea what it’s like to be tempted at that level, right? Like they have groupies as they waddle out to their Mercury Tracer parked on the other side of a dumpster. Really? You’re beating them off? This guy, he’s not a great man anymore? Terminator doesn’t count? Is that what the fuck you’re telling me? ‘Cause he fucked Alice? Really? He’s still not a great man because he did that, then the whole thing’s over? Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out, then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, and hold public office? How many lifetimes would you need… I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. All right? How can I judge these guys? I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook. I’m gonna judge Tiger Woods? I golf. I don’t walk off the 18th hole, and there’s a busload of Scandinavian women waiting to fuck my brains out. “Sorry, ladies, gotta go home to the wife” right? No, it kills me. And there’s no help out there for guys. There isn’t. There’s nothing out there to help you handle becoming rich and famous. There’s nothing to prepare you for that platoon of whores that’s gonna form on the horizon, right? Like Braveheart… faces painted, skirts on. We’ll run down the hill. They’ll jump on your dick in front of your wife. They don’t give a shit. There’s not even a handbook out there. I saw one article written about it on the cover of Time Magazine. It said, “Why do so many rich, famous, and powerful men act like absolute pigs?” Right? And the article was actually written by a woman. That’s like me writing a book, The third trimester and what to expect. Ladies, you’re gonna feel a pressure… how the hell would I know? You don’t wanna hear that from me, right? Then why is this woman telling me what it’s like to have a dick? That makes no sense. You have no idea what it’s like to have a dick. 24/7… “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it.” That’s what it’s saying. “Do it, do it! Yeah, do it!” That’s how we survived as a species. Every man in here is programmed to fuck 85% of the women in this room. Right? Yeah, we are. “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know? It’s just that you won’t. That’s the only reason why we don’t, you know? That’s not you keeping your dick in check, you know? Some guy at home depot, working there, he wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity, right? But he can’t do it. ‘Cause whores don’t care about lumber, right? [Laughs] But the second he hits the fucking lottery, all of a sudden that, “Do it, do it, fuck it, do it” you know, that wasn’t affecting his life, then all of a sudden these whores show up… “I’ll do it, I’ll suck it, I’ll do it” right? [Laughs] No, somebody’s gotta step up, all right? I’m not even blaming whores, really. Just… guys, we’re fucking idiots. What are we doing? Why are we working so hard and then giving it all away to some chick who did three shifts at a fucking Hooters, you know? They’re fucking bums sitting there with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions of dollars. I’m sick of this. “That’s what the law says.” A hundred years ago, I could beat you with a fucking mop handle and be like, “That’s what the law says.” Doesn’t make us right. No, it’s unreal. And all this shit’s going down, and we’re not doing anything. What are we doing? Same old shit. Sitting around watching shark week, right? Watching shit about poisonous snakes half a world away. Just filling your head up with all this useless information. What to do if you come face to face with a bengal tiger. Don’t look at it, don’t look away. Slowly back up as you push your friend forward. Right? All this useless information, yet hanging between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire empire… seven minutes or less. Don’t know a fucking thing about it. Even worse, you think it’s your friend. Yeah, you know why? ‘Cause your dick’s like a dreamer, you know? Your dick believes. It’s like a motivational speaker. I don’t give a shit what question you ask it. It’s always like, “Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Sounds like a plan! Exit strategy… later! We’ll be fine!” Where’s your dick when you get caught, right? It’s just slumped over like, “Yeah, I thought it was a good idea.” Yeah. You have to know that. Dude, if your dick was a third base coach, it wouldn’t hold anybody up. It’d just be fucking waving people around. “Everybody, go in standing up! “You got it, you got it. Aw, shit, here she comes. Slide, slide, slide!” All right, you guys were awesome. Thank you so much for coming out. I hope you had as good a time as I did. Thank you! [Cheers and applause] [Inaudible speech] [Crowd chatter]"
1686242465-295,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Kevin Bridges: A Whole Different Story (2015) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kevin-bridges-whole-different-story-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kevin Bridges! APPLAUSE Yes, thank you, Glasgow! Saturday night, Glasgow. Thank you. Yes, welcome, welcome, welcome along. The Hydro. Wow! This place! […] Well done for coming to something. Well done, good for you. Well done. It’s difficult, coming to something. I don’t underestimate for a second the challenges involved. It’s a lot of effort. I don’t think we ever take the time to show our appreciation for the heroes in there, and the unsung heroes, people amongst you who organise these nights, people who know when shit goes on sale. People who sit on Ticketmaster. “Page cannot be displayed.” “Server timed out.” The people who compose that original group text, assembling the troops. The people who dare to dream that a night out could be possible. Sitting, dealing with people’s replies trickling in, sucking out the enthusiasm. “Oh, Kevin Bridges. Aw, what night is it? Where is it? “How much is it? What time does it start? “What time does it finish? Who else is going?” “Who else is going” – what a fucking snide enquiry! That’s when the organiser’s faced with the internal politics of the social circle. Your night out needs a big name to confirm. A headline act, an A-lister pal. A crackpot – Disco, Ryzo, Gnasher – somebody that can turn your night out into four nights out. “Aw, it’s only Wee Scobey going, so far. “I know he’s a wee prick, but he’ll drive.” Welcome along, front row. How are we doing? You all right? Looking good. What’s your name, sir? You’re not telling me? All right. That’s good. What’s his name, mate? Grass him in, since he’s not telling me. -Johnny. -Johnny. Johnny. You settling for that, Johnny? All right. It’s only a comedy show, Johnny. You’re not getting booked by the police. It’s just a wee… Camera, right on Johnny, there. That’s it, mate. You make him feel like shit for that. There we go, that’s Johnny, everybody. Tell your name to the camera, Johnny. CHEERING Good man. Welcome along, Johnny. I like a night out. I’m… I’m getting to that age. I’m growing up. I’ve got mates getting married and having children. This is new to me. My life’s changing. You don’t get a night out as often, the weekend is no longer an excuse in itself. You don’t get a night out. It’s rare. But, when they happen, then it’s a rollover and they go on far too long. I don’t think anybody can party like the newly-married man, the new father. I hear One Direction singing, “I’m going to go crazy, crazy, crazy,” until they see the sun and rappers singing, “Going to party until six in the morning.” all these parties that have got scheduled end times. That’s not what happens when your mates start getting married and having children and you get a night out. They go on far too fucking long. People don’t want to go back… ..to the life that they’re creating for themselves. Mayhem ensues at the suggestion of a six in the morning curfew. Yous want to call it a night? ‘Mon to fuck, man. One more hour, the Spar’s open. We’ll go and get cans. The adult empty. It’s a bleak affair, the empty, ten years on. Some paranoid wreck walking through your living room looking for a Nokia charger. “17 missed calls? I’d better fucking text her.” Highlights of a game of FIFA on the PlayStation that was finished about three hours ago, still playing. Two guys snorting cocaine, talking about a fight they had in primary school. HE SNORTS “Listen, I’m fucking glad we sorted that the night, bud.” “Me and all, mate. I was out of order that playtime. “I was out of order.” 35-year-old guys still using expressions like “playtime”. “It was me that was out of order, mate. “I’m the one that kept throwing fizzy cola bottles at you. “I knew you had to be seen to be doing something about that, mate. “I understand. You never needed to call us a VL, but. “That was out of order, on your part.” At six in the morning, Nokia guy arguing with his missus by text. “I told you I was having a mad one.” His only justification, for having a mad one – he fucking told her he was having a mad one. Then, staying on the offensive, “I thought you were going to your mum’s to watch Strictly, anyway.” HIGH-PITCHED: “It’s fucking six o’clock in the morning, Ryan.” “How the fuck am I supposed to know what time Strictly finishes?” Then, looking at the telly, looking at the PlayStation, thinking it’s fucking Sky Sports. “Here, when did Motherwell beat Colombia?” “That’s fucking some result for the ‘Well, isn’t it?” “Colombia have their full team playing, aye?” “Wish I’d stuck money on that. Seven red cards? “Is there a bit of needle between them two?” Six in the morning. It’s tough watching guys grow up against their will, watching somebody going through an old VHS case that’s been used as a joint-rolling station for years. Raking through the paraphernalia, trying to find something smokable. “There’s a bit of green in there, press my finger on that. “There’s plenty here, gentlemen. The night is but young. “A bit of green stuff, tobacco, scrape that in. “Hairs. There’s always hairs in the rolling tray. “I’ll put the pubes in. Who gives a shit?” Lying there in emotional purgatory, trying to get a knackered disposable lighter to work, the only lighter in the party, doing big, long flicks. “Come on, you piece of shit!” Eventually, you get a bit of blue flame, and I’m going, “Yes!” and then the “S” blows it straight back out again. It’s hard to watch a married man lighting a pube joint off the toaster. […] Are you a political man, Johnny? Oh, you don’t give a shit. I watch it. I get into it. I like the politics. I’ve started buying the big paper. I never knew the big papers were as expensive. I just thought it would just be the same price. Standing in the queue at the newsagent with my pound coin, making plans for the change. “£1.80.” “Oh, fuck. Do you take card, mate?” “Yeah, only if it’s over a fiver.” “Oh… Just… All right, a Daily Telegraph “and 16 packets of Hubba Bubba, mate. That’s… “I’m out of here.” I watch it. The Tories, that’s what we’ve got, reducing the deficit in the economy. That’s what’s going on. Austerity Britain, making cuts. AUDIENCE BOOS I watch them. ENGLISH ACCENT: We must work together to reduce the deficit. That’s what’s going on. Reducing the deficit. I read about the deficit. Do you know about the deficit, big guy? Do you know Britain’s debt? No. £1.5 trillion. That’s how much the UK owes somebody. £1.5 trillion. I don’t know who the fuck we owe that to. But surely they’ve gave up on it. Surely… Surely, when it hit the trillion mark, they must have been having their doubts about ever seeing it back. I’ve enjoyed Greece. I like their attitude. That’s how you treat debt. AUDIENCE CHEERS They’ve had a great time. It’s got to the end. Everybody’s on their case – the IMF, the EU – and they’re just telling them to go and fuck themselves. Good on them. Well done, Greece. Angela Merkel on the phone going fucking mental. Greece have just got her on loudspeaker, just laughing at her. Sitting drinking bottles of ouzo, letting her shout at them. GERMAN ACCENT: “You must make the repayments now! “240 billion euros.” Going through books on Greek philosophy, trying to quote their way out of the mess. “Angela, as Socrates says…” “He is richest who is content with the least.” “That’s a beauty, man. Any more?” “Or as Epicurus said, “Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not, Angela.” “Here, let me talk to her.” “Or as Plato says, “You’re not getting it, you fucking cow.” Good on them. Everybody knows somebody like Greece. I’ve got mates like Greece. They’re likeable, but you don’t lend them money unless you’re prepared to deal with their shite when you try and get it back. I don’t know if you’ve seen that, Johnny. Greece actually accused Germany of owing Greece 279 billion euros because of the Nazi occupation in the 1940s. Classic tactics. “Oh, we’re weren’t going to mention it, Angela, “but since you’re chasing us up…” We’re paying it back. 1.5 trillion, that’s the plan. Reduce the deficit. The deficit means you’re spend too much money, don’t bring enough money in. Tory solution, make cuts. I think we just need to start making some more money. All these billionaire psychos putting their taxes into the Cayman Islands. They tell you that as if the money’s irretrievable. Fucking invade the Cayman Islands. Get it back. What the fuck are the Cayman Islands going to do about it? Instead of going after disabled people, fucking single parents. That takes balls, doesn’t it? That takes balls. George Osborne, Iain Duncan Smith. Going through disabled people’s doors. “This is your fault, mate. “You. We could go after tax-avoid multinationals, “we could go after Vodafone, Starbucks, Amazon, Google, […] “but it’s your fucking fault. “You.” “You’re going back to work, mate. “We don’t give a fuck how disabled you are. “Oh, you’re paralysed from the neck down? “We don’t give a fuck, mate. “There’ll be a farm out there looking for a scarecrow.” Couple of people checking for the offside flag on that joke there. Maybe an extreme example, but that’s… That’s their ideal world. Cutting benefits. People fall for it, people believe it. I hear folk moaning, I hear them, see them on Facebook. You discover through Facebook you hate your own aunties. Reading their shite. “I have worked my whole life and I’ve worked two jobs “since I’ve been 12 years old and I think it’s a disgrace “that these people are sitting on their fat arses…” “They’re spending their dole cheques on alcohol and cigarettes. It’s a darn right disgrace.” Missing the point, man. They’re spending it on alcohol and cigarettes – highly-taxable goods. The country’s getting it back. These people are reinvesting. These people are the heroes in this mess. It’s not poor people spending, it’s fucking rich people saving. That’s the problem. The money’s there. Just need to get it to people that’ll spend it. I would put the dole up, I would make the dole a grand a week. That’s how you kick-start an economy. Every bit of it would get spent. You see it on Black Friday. That’s poor people. Imagine them on £1,000 a week. The country would be fucking bouncing! Not one penny going offshore or into a savings account. “Let’s get fucking tattoos, man.” People arriving at the job centre in taxis, to sign on. “Just keep the meter running, my man. I’ll be five minutes.” “That’s the dole up to a grand a week, Denise. “You still wanting your tits done?” “Aye, we’ll get the hot tub, aye, why not. Grand a week.” I’ve made a bit of dosh, thanks to you people, I’ve moved on. I’ve made some cash. I’m on the property ladder. That’s what I done. Bought a house, bought a house off a neurologist. That builds an inferiority complex. I’m showing up to buy his gaff in a Superdry hoodie. Guy’s gave me the tour. Showing me his PhD “That’s nice, mate. We’ll get that down, “get that painting of the dogs playing poker up there. “That’ll be nice.” I grew up in a council house. I grew up in Clydebank. Couple of people know that. Famous place. Famous for Wet Wet Wet. Marti Pellow, he’s the only guy who ever left Clydebank to become a heroin addict. But I’m in the West End. I’m in the nice bit of the city. I’m living… I’m living with the great and the good. It’s where I live. I’ve been there for a few years. But it’s never quite become my bit. You’ve got where you stay and you’ve got your bit. OK? That make sense? There’s where you live and there’s your bit. It’s not quite my… I don’t know if it’ll ever become my bit. I see… I see the kids whose bit it is. I hear them shouting on each other. “Sebastian?” “Sebastian, we’re over here. Sebastian?” I hear a name like Sebastian, I’m hoping to look up and see a Dalmatian, not this wee guy. Sebastian making his grand entrance with his purple blazer on, his perm wafting in the wind, a cello on his back. They call me Mr Bridges, the kids on my street. I don’t feel intimidated physically. I feel intellectually intimidated by the gangs of youths in my street. “Mr Bridges? Mr Bridges, how are we, Mr Bridges? “The family and I sat down to one of your performances on the television “over the festive period, Mr Bridges. “A tad coarse in places.” “However, I would be lying if I said “I didn’t allow myself a chuckle, Mr Bridges.” A wee guy. I’m out of my fucking depth trying to talk to him. And having to raise my game to talk to a ten-year-old. I can’t have a normal, older-guy-to-a-wee-guy conversation. “Who’s the best fighter in your school, then, Sebastian?” “Well, I’m the chair of the school debating team, Mr Bridges. “There have been a few heated exchanges, “but we’ve not quite come to blows yet.” His wee pal’s beside him, de-seeding a pomegranate with his fruit knife. I still… See, I still wear trainers and stuff. I never knew that was frowned upon, wearing sports gear, unless you’re off to participate in a sporting activity. I still wear shorts, trainers, any excuse. I’ve got a neighbour who always looks at me. Always looking me up and down. Always going… “You off to the gym, Kevin? Off to the gym?” I said, “Mate, why do you always ask me if I’m off to the gym?” “Just when I seen your trainers there and your sports top.” “Off to the gym, no?” “No, I’m off to the garage to buy a Wispa, mate. “It’s not…” “..it’s not a fucking black-tie event, mate.” I try and blend in. I’m quite a friendly guy. I’ve got a dog, for example, right, that’s how you get to know your new neighbours. Right, you become part of your local dogging community. I got a dog, right. That’s your buddy, I got a dog. You get in the park, dog’s there, other dogs come over and start to play with your dog, you pat the other dog and you get talking to the owner. Quite a sociable experience. I’m in the park. Dog’s there, another dog came over, began to play with my dog. Began sniffing my dog’s arse. Sniffing away. Having a fucking great time. I’m patting the other dog. And I said, “And who’s this?” That’s dog walker talk for “What is your dog’s name?” That’s how you strike up a bit of chat. I said, “And who’s this?” And the guy goes, “Well, this here, this is, this is Diego.” And I thought, “Oh, naming the dog after Diego Maradona, mate? “That would explain the sniffing, then, right.” I thought that was the ideal thing to say. Fucking hilarious. I’ve got a voice in my head, going, “Superb, Kev. “An exemplary piece of patter. “This’ll be your bit in no time, Kev.” I’m asking his dog for the Paw of God, thinking this guy is going to spread the word. “Oh, yeah, I met Kevin Bridges in the park. The guy’s funny as fuck, “even off-duty. “The man’s a scream.” But the guy said, “No, he’s not named after Diego Maradona. “We named him after Diego Rivera, “the post-impressionist 19th-century Mexican protest painter.” And this was a game changer. I had fucking nothing for the guy. Wow. I looked him right in the eye. I cannot believe you’ve just done that to me, mate. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never felt so homesick. A voice in my head going, “This is not your bit, Kev, go home. “You don’t belong here. You’re a fucking fraud. “The sniffing patter, that might cut it down your bit, “this is the upper echelons of society. “You think you’re going to get away with that up here? “Even his dog is looking at your dog, as if, “My dad just fucking clamped your dad.” And he just carried on with his day. And I’m left on my phone, having to Google this arsehole. Under pressure. Another fucking thing that I do not know has just been exposed. I’m on Wikipedia reading about this guy. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican painter known for his large wall works “in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what that means. Let’s go back to the start, Kevin. Let’s concentrate. Learning is fun. Come on, this is the kind of shit you need to know to hold conversations up in this park. “Diego Rivera was a Mexican…” You know what a Mexican is – tequila, sombreros. […] “Mexican painter.” You know what painter is – Uncle Kenny’s a painter. Remember Uncle Kenny? Used to always sneak you and your cousins a can at Christmas – remember? “Uncle Kenny, how come Auntie Denise lives in New Zealand?” “Drink your fucking can, son.” Remember Uncle Kenny? “Known for his large wall works in the style of fresco.” I don’t know what fresco means. But fresco is highlighted in blue, meaning it’s got its own Wikipedia page. Why not make an afternoon out of it? I click on that link. I’ve not even made it through the opening sentence of Diego Rivera’s Wikipedia page and I’m on another Wikipedia page, reading about fresco. “Fresco is a technique of mural painting, “executed upon wet or freshly-laid lime plaster.” I don’t know what lime plaster is. But that is also highlighted in blue. Click on that link, Kevin. “Is there anything that you do fucking know, Kev?” Lime plaster? “Lime plaster is a type of plaster composed of hydrated lime water “and sand. Lime plaster is different from…” Why are you reading this, Kevin? You’re supposed to be reading about Diego Rivera. Remember why we came here. Now, you’ve went to fresco, now you’re on to lime plaster. You’ve got fucking ADD. I’m Googling, “Have I got attention deficit disorder?”. I’m taking the University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. I’m about to diagnose myself with a mental health condition because of this fucking phone, this tadger, and his wee shitey dog. Even my dog is looking at me as if, get over it, Kev, hurry up and throw that tennis ball. Give me a minute, Annie. I’m no well. I’m mentally ill. Please be patient. I need your support just now, dog. Taking the test. The University of Maryland’s six short questions to determine if I have attention deficit disorder. “Do you sometimes struggle with the finer parts of a project “once the challenging parts have been finalised? All of the time, most of the time, some…” “Ten celebrities you didn’t know were gay.” Don’t go near it, Kevin. Don’t click on it. Don’t fucking click on it. Don’t go near it. “14 reasons you are always tired.” I am always tired. I think I have that chronic fatigue syndrome. Finish the ADD test. How the fuck can I finish the ADD test if I’ve got ADD? I went back, I read about Rivera, I got tooled up on this guy, educated myself. “Diego Rivera was born in 1886, “Rivera began painting at the age of three years old, “a year after the death of his twin brother. “Rivera would paint on his bedroom walls. “His parents, rather than chastise him, installed chalkboards and canvas on his bedroom walls, to encourage his gift. “At the age of just ten years old, “Rivera was accepted to the San Carlos Academy of Fine Art “in Mexico City, where he studied until 1907, before moving to Europe, “where he became friends with Pablo Picasso…” I’ve got fucking shitloads…     APPLAUSE Off to the gym? I’ve lost a bit of weight. I don’t know if anybody noticed that there. Looking sharp. Lost a bit. People worry about you in this city when you lose weight. I had a guy shout, “Fuck’s sake, Kev, have you got AIDS?”. Which is… just the local way of saying, “Looking sharp, Kev! “Have you been working out?” I’ve got a jaw. Look at that. Jaw. I’ve never had a jaw in my life. I’ve always been fat. I was fat my whole life, right through school. This has been a long time coming. I was 18st when I was 18. I was fat at school. That was tough. Sitting on a plastic chair at school at the end of every class, knowing there’s going to be a sea of sweat that’s been separating the two hemispheres of your arse. Sitting beside the lassie that you fancy, having to do that slide, trying to wipe it as you’re getting up. That was tough. Being fat at school. I was the first in my class to get tits. It’s hard. Going to the swimming on a school trip. “No, I’ll just keep my T-shirt on, the water’s dead cold. “I’m all right. I’ll just swim with my T-shirt on.” I went to a guy. 18. That’s when I first addressed the problem. 18st. I went to the gym. The real gym. You know, the big, proper gym guys. The real big tanks. This new breed of man that you get. You know the big mammals? The big protein bastards. With the big beard, covered in tattoos. I’m going, “Mate, did I create you in a PlayStation game?” These big guys work in the Carphone Warehouse, but they’re training for the apocalypse. These big… Convinced their best mate’s shagging their missus and they’re training for the day they can finally prove it. I went in… And that’s what puts fat people off the gym. These guys. They take it too far, these big… “Only God can judge me.” I’m standing here judging you, you big bell-end. I went to the guy. I said, “Look, mate, “I’m trying to lose a bit of weight.” The guy goes, “It’s all about nutrition. All about nutrition, “You can do whatever you want in here, but it’s all about nutrition. “You can’t out-train a bad diet.” And he asked me… He asked me what I had for breakfast. He goes, “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” Instantly, I’m thinking, “I’d better say something that I never had for “breakfast this morning.” Make a good impression with this big mammal. I said, “Oh, I had fruit, mate. A bowl of fruit.” The guy’s going, “Fruit in the morning, “that’s got to go. Fruit in the morning, very high in sugar. “You need to lose that.” I’m thinking, “Fruit, mate? “Fruit? That’s bad now, fucking fruit? “Fruit?! I never had a bowl of fruit, but as far as you’re aware, “I did have a bowl of fruit, so I should be commended. “I had a fucking Terry’s Chocolate Orange, mate.” You’ve no idea how low I would stoop for breakfast – cold pashwari naan with Nutella on it. I’ve been there, mate and you’re on my case about fucking fruit?! I used to have four raspberry ice poles and a Wham bar for breakfast. Half past eight every morning for six years. Then, a roll and sausage at half past ten. A pizza crunch and chips at 12 o’clock. A can of Coke. Then, fucking Astro Belts on the way home. Fizzy cola bottles, Bikers, Johnny’s Onion Rings. Everything. Then, I would… AUDIENCE CHEERS Then, I’d go home, for crispy pancakes, oven chips, potato waffles, croquettes. Yellow, mate. That was the only colour I would eat. Yellow. “And you’re on my case about fruit?” I never said that, because the guy would punch fuck out of me. but I was thinking it. I said, “All right, I’ll cut out the fruit. The guy gave me a diary to fill in, a food diary. That’s a step too far, Johnny. Submitting hand written lies to somebody. He’s telling me all these foods to cut out. Carbohydrates. “You should be eating this shit. Eat this stuff, eat this sort of stuff. I’m filling in my food diary, on the internet, reading about super foods. Trying to impress the big man. “Monday morning, I had… Avo-cado. Avo-cado. “Here, what the fuck’s avocado, in case this guy asks me? “You have it on toast? Oh, he’ll go off his heid if I say toast. “Will I just say I had avocado? How many? How many? “Five? Five avocado. “Fuck it, I’ll put ten. Ten avocado.” Show the guy I’m serious about it. Ten avocado. Monday morning, breakfast. Then, I had almonds and blueberries, and then I had beetroot. Beetroot? That’s a superfood, is it? A big jar of beetroot, mate. Got a spoon, rattled the lot. Mmm. Then, I had… Quin-oa. Qui-no-a. Am I saying that right? Qui-no-a? What the fuck is qui-no-a? Click on images. It’s a powder? Snorted a couple of lines of quinoa. And then, I had oily fish and I really felt it reducing my risk of Alzheimer’s, mate. And the guy’s going… “This is great, Kev. Is this the truth?” And I’m saying, “No, mate, the truth would break your heart. “I’ll tell you the truth. “I lasted two meals without carbohydrates “and I thought I was going insane. “I’ve never felt so angry. “I had to get off the couch and just lie on the floor, “staring at the ceiling, trying to take myself to a happier place. “Fantasising about carbohydrates. I never knew what a carbohydrate was “until you told me to cut them out, and then you grassed them all up. “I’m lying there, ‘Oh, I would love a spaghetti toastie right now. “Mmm, how good would that be? “Or a baked potato, with rice in the middle. “Then, I could put that on a sandwich, eh? “When’s the last time I had a piece and baked tattie and rice? Eh? Mmm. “With a wee spaghetti toastie chaser. Oh, yes! “Then, I crumbled, mate. I went rampaging through my own kitchen. “In the freezer, there was a tub of Ben & Jerry’s that had been there “for months. Now, because it had been there for so long, “the little wooden spoon you get inside a tub of Ben & Jerry’s bent “and snapped on impact with the ice cream. “So, I had to put the tub of Ben & Jerry’s in the microwave. “Now, I left it in the microwave a bit longer than I should have done “and the ice cream melted, “so rather than just have a few wooden spoonfuls, “as I had initially intended, I drank the fucking lot, mate.” I never knew how to fit that into Monday evening’s column. It’s too extreme. If you’re fat, you’re at a tremendous advantage when it comes to losing weight. You need to bear that in mind. I was 18st at 18, now I’m 28 and I’m 14st. That’s 4st I’ve lost. AUDIENCE CHEERS Thank you for those of you applauding that. Applauding a man who’s lost 4st in just ten years. That’s… ..admittedly, a pretty difficult diet to market. I’m not going to get on the front cover of Reveal with that story. “How I shifted 4st in just ten years.” A before and after photograph and it’s me with a fucking school uniform on, in the “before”. It’s simple. Simple changes. That’s what you need to make. That’s what the 4st in ten years programme encourages. Small steps. Don’t have McCoys, have Quavers. Simple changes. We don’t need go to bed with a two-litre bottle of Fanta and a tube of Pringles every night. Small changes. You don’t need to lose junk food, just Google it first. “What is healthy to eat from the Chinese?” Go on Yahoo Answers, ignore the top answer. Some nutritionist from the University of Arkansas. AMERICAN ACCENT: “Well, all Chinese food is usually fried. It’s always very large portions and it usually contains a chemical called monosodium glutamate, which is highly addictive and fattening.” Fuck her. Just keep scrolling down. Keep scrolling, until you find what you want to find. What about this, guys? Sweet and sour chicken is quite healthy, as long as you peel the batter off at least three of the chicken balls. If you’re putting fried rice on a prawn cracker, don’t have a lid. Just have the one prawn cracker. See, simple changes, that will help you shift 4st in just ten years. […] I’ll be fat again. Don’t worry, I’ll be fat. I’ll be back. I’m looking sharp, but I’ll be back. I’m one all-inclusive holiday away from fucking meltdown, don’t worry. […] I went on that – a cultural break. Tried that. Done New York, all that stuff, you get dragged around tourist attractions. A lot more pressure on yourself to actually go and do shit, standing looking at stuff knowing you should be enjoying it. The Statue of Liberty. Wow, that’s exactly how I thought it would look. Having to take your photograph. You don’t realise how much shite you photograph until you go somewhere good and your phone runs out of memory. Standing on top of the Empire State building, deleting fry-ups. I’ve got an app called WhatsApp, right. All the kids have got it. People send you… People send you pictures and videos and it just saves straight to your phone. And it’s horrific shit people send. And I never knew I had a video of a guy fucking a Hoover on my phone until I was showing my mother my holiday photographs. I’m flicking through them, giving my wee commentary. “That was us on the first night, “that was the view from the hotel, Mum. “That was the wee Italian restaurant. “That was where Harry Met Sally. “The pastrami sandwich wasn’t very nice. “That’s a guy… Aye, cracking holiday. Definitely recommend it. Of course you watch it. If a guy has taken the time to fuck a Hoover, I will take the time to watch a guy fuck a Hoover. Lying watching it. You ever seen your own reflection in your phone and you see how tragic you look at these moments. Lying on your couch, big double chin, dead behind the eyes. Your life is ending. “Is that a Henry or a Henrietta he’s fucking?” And you need to reply to your mate that sent it, “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.” H-A, H-A, H-A.” Into the emoticons, there’s that wee guy that fucking cries with laughter. 15 of them, mate. Projectile tears of laughter are leaving my eyes, mate. There we go. “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha…” That was it. New York, getting dragged into museums, trying so hard to enjoy it. Just that the voice in there going, “Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite.” Trying so hard. It’s not shite, Kevin, show some respect. It’s shite. It’s an art gallery, it’s full of shite. Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Listening to the tour guide, “And this is 300 years old, this was donated to the museum…” I thought… Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. “And you’re fortunate that the Tutankhamen exhibit is here “for six weeks only.” Trust me to land that six weeks. How shite will that be? Tutankhamen, the king of Egypt at 21. I bet he was a wee wank. Shite. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite. Come on, Kevin. You’re better than this. Let’s see your show of strength. “Excuse me, mate. Is that a Diego Rivera?” You don’t know who he is? You’ve found a victim, Kev. All that hard work. Give him it both barrels. “Never heard of Diego Rivera, mate? “No? Never seen Dreams Of A Sunday Afternoon In The Alameda? “Arguably one of Rivera’s most controversial works, my man. “Why was it controversial? “Well, because it depicted Don Ignacio Ramirez “holding a placard that said, “God does not exist”. “The work caused uproar, mate. “But Rivera refused to remove the placard until nine years later, “stating that he doesn’t have to hide behind Don Ignacio Ramirez “to show his own atheist views and that he believes “all religions are a form of collective neurosis.” You don’t know this shit? Listen to this guy! Job done, Kev. Now get to the gift shop, buy a rubber and fuck off. I travel. I travel a lot. I appreciate my life. Travel, stay in a lot of hotels. They’ve always got bad news for you. Noticing that in hotels. “Unfortunately, Sir, the Wi-Fi is only available in the lobby area.” “Is it all right to masturbate in the lobby area?” That’s what to say to them. Call them out on it. “I might use your Wi-Fi in your lobby, then, mate. “And the websites I visit, that is between me and my browsing cookies. “Your manager can deal with the inevitable “negative reviews on TripAdvisor.” Some stunned couple. “Don’t get me wrong, the rooms were spacious, the location was great, “the staff were a delight, could not fault the food or the facilities. “But on the final night, there was a Scottish bloke “ripping the head off it in the lobby.” “It was a bloody disgusting. “Nothing subtle about it. He had his denims at his ankles, “his feet on the coffee table.” “He was using both his hands, at one point. “He was shouting encouragement to himself.” “He then demanded housekeeping bring him a Hoover. “It was rather bizarre.” “Two stars, we won’t be back. “Two stars.” The Wi-Fi is killing this world, isn’t it? The internet. I’m trying to cut loose. I’m trying to stay offline. I like technology, I appreciate what the geeks have done in this world, I just don’t like the person that I’ve become. As soon as it fails, as soon as it stops working, it sends me into a big angry primate. I’ve had too many of these rages. I’m quite a peaceful guy. Fucking laptop stopped searching for wireless networks a few weeks ago, right. I know that sounds a bit trivial, but that’s enough to send me… “Piece of shit.” Fucking shouting at it. Because I’m so out of my depth trying to figure out… Your laptop breaks, you’ve got two options, Johnny. You can hand it in to where you bought it or you can phone up the technical support line. What option would you choose, Johnny? In your own time, Johnny. Well, I phoned up, Johnny. You could hand it in. That’s part of my problem. I know I need to hand this computer into the Apple Store, to speak to Marc with a C, with his wee genius T-shirt on. Talking about his band. “Yeah, we’re called Skull Fracture. “We’re playing the unsigned tent at T In The Park.” With his big stupid earlobes hanging down. “Going to put your earrings back in, Marc, “and stop putting people off calamari for life.” I decided to phone up – laptop is no longer searching for wireless networks. People were calling it a First World problem. That just makes you angrier. I fucking know it’s a First World problem, that’s why I’m on the phone to the Third World, trying to get it fucking fixed. I phoned up. I’m on the phone, Indonesia, talking to my man, my man Gavin. He starts asking me questions… I’m telling Gav the issue. Gav’s asking me for my DHCP client ID. I said, “I don’t know what that means, Gav.” Gav told me to click on system preferences, then go to network settings and, then, advanced network settings and he said in there, you should see a IPVN 4 number and, from that, you should be able to see your DHCP client ID. I’m following him, I’m fucking getting excited here. Gav’s onto something. I said, “Yes, Gav, I can see a DHCP client ID.” And he’s asking if it is configurated or deconfigurated. I said, “Well, Gav, it appears to be deconfigurated.” Gav tells me to click on… I’m already there, Gav. Clicked on configurate, done deal. And he goes, try again. I’m so fucking excited, Gav, to try again. I tried again and the laptop connected to the wireless network. I thanked Gav for his time and I’m left wondering, my mind was blown – who the fuck undone that? I have never been anywhere near that part of the computer before. So what the fuck happened between connecting to wireless networks and not connecting to wireless networks? Did I have an MIT frat party in the living room one night? Did I have Mark Zuckerberg and the boys round for a couple of cans? It’s got a bit out of hand, I’ve fallen asleep at six in the morning and rather than just shave off my eyebrows or draw a cock and balls on my face, some prankster has logged into my laptop and fucking deconfigurated my DHCP client ID. And you’re raising kids in this world. I’m only 28, I still remember the world being a bit simpler. It’s tragic when you hear the children going, “Dad. Dad, the iPad isn’t performing the software update. Dad!” And if I ever become a father, I don’t know if I could handle that. I think I’ll be saying, “Shut the fuck up, ya wee tool.” Performing a software update. “You’re a wee guy. Go up to the loft, find a golf club, “get outside and chop some jaggy nettles. Go outside.” “Outside. Get out there.” “Away and chop some jaggies. “You’re a wee guy. You got your whole life “to perform software updates. Go out there and be bored. “Decapitate a few dandelions. “Get in the bushes.” “I’ve just been stung by a nettle!” “Well, get a fucking dock leaf then.” “Learn some survival tactics. “Away out a big walk. “Just kick a plastic bottle down the street. “Be at one with your thoughts. “Get a big stick, get a bit of dog shite on the end…” “..control your bit, armed with a bit of dog shite on a stick.” It’s a rite of passage to any child. Sitting up in your bedroom getting cyber bullied. Go to his door with a bit of dog shite on a stick. They need to be bored. Their minds are too occupied. I used to be bored as a child. I was quite a creative wee guy. I tried to start a boyband. I had mental ideas. In my jotter, Element Four, that’s what I called us. I had three mates who I gave aliases to. Earth, Fire, Rain, Wind. I told them about my plans. They laughed at me, called me “gayboy”. I thought fuck yous. I went solo. Big Wind. Going down to the kitchen, grabbing the radio, up to the bedroom, blank cassette in, pressing play and record at the same time. With my lyrics that I’d wrote, Big Wind, in the studio. # Baby, I’ve been thinking about you # I think you’re thinking about me, too… # Making sure my dad’s not there, in case I get leathered. # When you say goodbye It made me cry, baby… # Doing the voice that long your eyes start to water, it really adds a bit to it. # Baby… # I was fucking bored. I enjoyed childhood. Going out a big walk. Just showing up at your mate’s door. Going in for your mates, going in for somebody. Just battering their letterbox unannounced. “All right, Mrs Cassidy, is Stu in? “I’m here to eat every crisp in this house.” “His name is Stuart, Kevin.” “Where is he? Stewbster!” That’s when you discovered the love you had for your own family. I see the wee dweebs like that. “I actual hate my mum and dad.” Fucking get out of the house, then. A sleepover, that’s when you discovered how much you loved your own mum and dad. When you went and spent an evening in another family. That was an eye opener. And we need that. The kids are too busy online, they’re not socialising to this level. You need to go and spend time in another house. Discover you’ve got it good. That Saturday morning, returning home to your own house, after a sleepover, you just want to cuddle your mum and dad, as if you just served in Afghanistan. “Mum. Come here. “Dad, bring it in, big guy. “I know I don’t tell you a lot, but I love you. “The Cassidys are fucking weirdos.”     Cos it would start off all right. You’d go in for Stu and end up in the bedroom playing the computer, he’s making you use an unofficial control pad that his gran bought him for Christmas. You’re letting that slide, even though it’s frustrating. Through on goal trying to shoot, “Stu, where’s the square button? Stu, Stu, Stu?” “It’s not square, it’s number nine on that pad.” “Fucking piece of shit. Fuck you, Stu. Fuck you.” Then, his mum comes into the bedroom. “Kevin, we’re going to phone a Chinese, “would you like to stay for some Chinese?” Fucking jackpot. “Of course. “Of course I’ll stay for some Chinese.” You start to relax. I like this family. I reckon I could be a Cassidy. Everything is going to plan. Friday night, home delivery. Then, you get shouted down the stairs, made to set the table. We’re setting the table for a home delivery? Again, letting it slide. This is the Cassidys. It’s not fucking Christmas Day, but maybe this is their thing. Maybe they set the table for a home delivery. Then the food arrives. You don’t recognise one fucking thing that they’ve ordered. Not once was I consulted during the ordering process. I know I’m ten, I know I’m a guest, but ordering a home delivery is a democratic process. But again letting it slide. The dad is showing you the food. “OK, Kevin, this is the king scallops, Szechuan-style. “This is the kung pao lamb. “This is the sweet and chilli bean curd.” “This isn’t Chinese food, Mr Cassidy. “Where’s all the yellow shit? “Where’s all the chicken balls, chips, curry sauce?” You’d get laughed out of China for that shite, Mr Cassidy. Then, he starts saying grace, the dad. Thanking the Lord for a home delivery. Just fucking tip the delivery driver. Job done. You’re trying to plate yourself up some food. You’re going, “Mr Cassidy, where’s the rice?” “Just give us a few minutes on the rice, Kevin. “It shouldn’t be long.” “Oh, they never sent the rice? “I hate when that happens, Mr Cassidy.” “Oh, no, no, no. Sheila’s just boiling the rice.” “Oh, they sent it not boiled, Mr Cassidy?” “No, Kevin, they never sent anything. “We don’t order rice from the Chinese. “Why would we pay £2 for rice when there’s a whole jar of rice “on the worktop? That would just be stupid, wouldn’t it?” Alarm bells are ringing. We’re having fucking house rice?! With a home delivery on a Friday night – we’re having it with house rice?! The evening’s took a sinister turn. Glaring across the table at wee Stu. “I’m going to fucking expose you. “This is going to finish you, Stu. In school on Monday. “This’ll be your nickname for eternity. “Wee House Rice. Even if you’re driving a Ferrari… “Oh, he’s driving a Ferrari, is he?” “Who? House Rice?” Finish the food, seeing the family. I don’t know if I could be a Cassidy. Then, you get made to wash the dishes. “Kevin, why don’t you make a little game of it? “Stewart can wash them, you can dry them.” Fucking great game, Mrs Cassidy(!) Non-stop scream in this house on a Friday night. Maybe we can change ends at half… Or is that a bit too out there? Then, the gran arrives. You get dragged into the living room. “Yeah, we always watch a movie together as a family, Kevin. “It’s just our little Friday night thing. “Are you coming in? We’re going to watch The Hand “That Rocks The Cradle? Have you seen it, Kevin?” “No, Mrs Cassidy, but I’ve heard it’s fantastic. “I’ve heard it’s hilarious.” Having to sit watching this. How do I get out of here? I need to get home. I need home. Home. I’m homesick. I’m only four streets away and I’m homesick. “Kevin, why don’t you just phone your dad and see if “you can stay overnight? “That would be nice. Have a wee sleepover.” How the fuck do I get…? Imagine that, Kev? The overnight package, with these freaks. “Kevin, phone your dad.” This is before mobile phones. You had to use the living room phone. The whole family are sitting there. “Phone your dad, Kevin. Phone your dad.” The Hand That Rocks The Cradle’s been paused. They’re all listening in to your phone call. “Ask if you can stay overnight.” On the phone to your da, solely dependent on your tone, to give across to your da that you’re being held against your will. This is going to take an acting performance, Kevin. We need out of here. This isn’t a family, this is a cult. “Phone your dad, Kevin.” “All right, I’ll phone my dad.” Trying to get a bit of a lump in the throat going, hoping my dad hears I’m crying. Comes and rescued me. “Where are you, Kevin? “I’m going to come and I’ll fucking do them. “Where are you? Where are you?” “Oh, it’s ringing, it’s ringing.” HE CHOKES “Hi, Dad?” “Dad, is it all right if I stay overnight “at Stewart Cassidy’s house?” “Of course it is, Kevin, you have a great night.” Your dad’s not fucking getting it, at all. “Dad, are you sure I’ve got no plans in the morning? “I thought I had some plans. “Did you not say something about I had something on?” “Nothing on in the morning, Kevin. “It’s a Saturday morning and you’re fucking ten years old, pal. No plans.” That was it. You’d signed up. You were one of them for the evening. “Kevin, unpause the movie.” “I think it’s you that’s got the doofer, Mr Cassidy.” “It’s me who’s got the what? The doofer? The doofer? “Is that what you call the remote control?” “The doofer?” He’s laughing, the maw’s laughing. The whole family, wee House Rice is laughing. They’re all laughing at you. They’re ripping the piss out of you, Kev. “The doofer! The doofer!” Hook the da, Kev. Hook the da. Take the whole family out. One jab to the da. No family recovers from a jab to the da. “The doofer!” Fucking knock him out, Kev. Then, you’re nudging wee Stu. “Mon, we’ll go up to the bedroom. “Mon, we’ll go up, House Rice. Mon, we’ll go to bed.” The da catches you. “Are you trying to get Stewart to go to bed “with you, Kevin? Is there something you’re not telling us?” You’re on thin ice, Mr Cassidy, you old bastard. Eventually, up to the bedroom. Wee House Rice just goes to sleep straightaway. You’re left alone on his floorboards, inside a Scooby-Doo sleeping bag. You’ve not even got a pillow, you’ve got a cushion off the couch, with the zip on your neck, having to turn it. Alone, breathing in their family smell, their house smell. The whole family smell the same. I recognise that smell, that’s the way he smells when I sit beside him in school. I wonder if he stunk out the house or the house stunk him out. I wonder what came first? Listen to these noises. How fucking loud is your bedroom clock, House Rice? Ticking away every second of this torture. I need out of here. I wonder what time I can leave here. Do you think five in the morning’s a bit early? That’s the target, Kev. Five in the morning. Anybody catches you trying to leave… “Are you not going to stay for breakfast, Kevin?” Wonder what you get for breakfast in this shithole? “What would you like your breakfast, Kevin?” “Maybe some eggy bread?” “Eggy bread? Is that what you call French toast?!” All that shite starts again. All the fucking House Riceses laughing at you. “Are you not going to stay, Kevin? We’re going to have Alpen. “Do you like Alpen?” “Mm, yes, Mrs Cassidy, “I love nothing better on a Saturday morning than a big bowl of Alpen. “That’s what gets me through the week. Mmm.” Get something in that frying pan, you fucking boot. Ladies and gentlemen of Glasgow, thank you for listening. It’s been a pleasure talking to you. Thanks very much. Good night, Glasgow. Take care. Love one another. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. Good night. Cheers. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE"
1686242453-292,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Andy Woodhull: You’ll Always Be Late (2019) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/andy-woodhull-youll-always-be-late-transcript/,"I live a life where I never know what’s coming soon to a theater near me. My wife and I are late to everything it’s a big problem in our relationship at some point now or to be if we have to be somewhere at six she tells me we have to be there at 5:30 in order to trick us into being on time. And it never works. And the reason why in her works is because I’m not the problem that’s why it doesn’t work all tricking me does is make me mad for an extra half hour every time we run in late for something we’re running late for the movies I want to check on my wife she was painting her fingernails my initial response is anger because it’s dark in a movie theater no one’s even gonna know. What you’ve done we could paint your face before we head out tonight no one would know bound saying things my wife it’s the woman I picked of all the women on the planet to spend my life with. I’m a little concerned how few of you laughed at that that was that was meant to be a joke that’s a ridiculous thing to say. Pics out of all the women on the planet? Most of the women didn’t even have a chance to interview for the position. Picked her out of a different group. I picked her are the women that lived near me and would say yes, if I asked them to marry me. It’s a much smaller group. It still means something to me, you know. I love my wife so when I see her paint her fingernails I keep my mouth shut. I just accept this is the life that I’ve chosen for myself. I live a life where I never know what’s coming soon to a theater near me. And then I’d like to see what color she was painting her fingernails and she was painting them clear. And then my brain exploded. Are you even doing anything? Cuz it looks like you’re pretending to paint your fingernails! If you need me I’ll be in the front yard mowing it with the bubble maker. You let me know when you’re ready, I got so many bubbles to pop out here. She told me she painted some clear cuz it makes her fingernail shiny and she likes them when to be shiny. And I support her in that decision. I want them to be shiny too I just feel like we could have achieved the same results by ordering popcorn at the movie theater. One large popcorn, extra butter, no napkins, we gotta the look we’re going for. She’s late to everything one time my wife was late to watch Netflix in our own home. And that should be impossible because Netflix starts whenever you want. We picked on a movie and then she goes “don’t start it yet I have to go to the bathroom.” And then about a half hour later I’m just sitting there by myself wondering what’s happened to my wife, and go looking for her. I found her in the shower and I said why would you take a shower when you know I’m waiting in the other room by myself staring at a blank screen like a moron. And she said “I’m not taking a shower. I’m rinsing off.” And that’s how my wife beats me in arguments, she just denies that she’s doing the thing I said I was mad about and I don’t know how to fight back against that. I’m not smart enough. I have 37 years of life experience leading me to believe the one I’m seeing right now is called a shower you just told me that I wasn’t I don’t know where we go from here. You’re in a shower you’re naked there’s water how is this not a shower? If you were rinsing off you’d be in a colander I’d be holding you into the sink just like a bunch of grates trying to get the pesticides off. That’s how she always wins. We were on a road trip one time and she fell asleep I said honey you got to wake up I’m sleepy too and we need to talk to me she said “I am not asleep. I am just resting my eyes……. Are you also airing out your throat?” Why is your mouth been open for the last 15 miles. You should start chewing because you have three gummy bears in your mouth that you don’t even know about. That’s how I’ve been staying away come over here shooting threes with the yellow gummy bears just trying to stay alert. I would have kept going but I’m only giving you the gross flavors. You think you’re gonna get a red one you’re not even awake you’re out of your mind. I mention my girls already they’re my they’re my stepdaughters I’m a stepdad stepdad took over the lease on a couple of girls few years back. Thank you very much other other step parents here any other broken homes? Few? Go ahead you were able to come out where’s the where’s the step that out somebody raise your hand your stepdad right back there thing I said raise your hand you clap I mean yeah still appreciate. How many stuff kids you have sir one grand you are you and your wife gonna have more do you think got one on the way congratulations good for you is that amazing it’s amazing. I think that’s fun I would love to have more — I would love to have more enough I would probably love him more than the old ones do you think that that would be true I mean probably. Of course not on purpose, of course you would do your best to love them exactly the same. And they would never even know unless they watch this special. I would do my best to love them exactly the same we’re just admitting that I’m a human and there’s a small chance that I would love the new ones more and there’s nothing that I could do about it. And for those of you looking at me being judgmental right now, why don’t you pretend for a moment do you spent your whole life wanting to have a boat you wanted to grow up and be a boat owner and then one year you married someone the had a boat it was everything you thought it was gonna be when you loved that boat and you helped take care of it and then the next year you made your own boat using nothing by your genitals. Which one are you gonna be more excited about? It’s all I’m trying to say it’s not I don’t I don’t even think it makes you a bad person I think is just a pride of workmanship, I think. Cooper’s you love the old Bo you love the old bum forever cuz that’s the boat let you know that you enjoy being the captain of a ship but if there was a hurricane and you only had time to save one of your boats from the harbor… you know which one you would pick. It’s a lot of pressure being a stepparent, it’s a lot of pressure, I love the responsibility but it’s a lot of responsibility. I walk around with the weight on my shoulders every day I’m responsibility just knowing that I’m the third person on an emergency contact list. That’s terrifying. Being one’s not a big deal number one’s not a big deal but number three– if they call me that means there’s been an emergency and it’s been going on for a long time. It’s probably multiple emergencies if they make it to my own name on the list. There’s not even a line on the form for stepdad, that’s a writing candidate on the back of the form. I’m third in line to be in charge of these kids. I’m like the Speaker of the House, if it’s me some big stuff is happening. My girls are teenagers now, 14 and 16 got a couple teenagers at home and they’re really embracing it and every time I tell people I have teenage daughters at home they’re always like aha good luck with that it’s really tough. You just somebody said it just now no one can resist letting you know how difficult it is and it is difficult sure but I think I’m good at it cuz I know how to talk to teenagers I speak their language. Just the other day they asked me for a ride to the mall and I said “oh, do I have to?” And then later they’re like “are you gonna take us or not?” And I go “I was gonna do it!” They have embraced all the teenage stereotypes. Laziness is the biggest one. I’m proud of how lazy my girls are. People tell me all the time that as a parent you should want your kids to achieve things you weren’t able to achieve. And I could have only dreamt of being that lazy when I was their age. We didn’t have the technology available for this level of laziness. This is gonna make me sound ridiculous to the young people in the audience but it took me ten years to watch every episode of Friends. [Applause] My girls knock that out in the weekend. We’re having dinner together one night and while my daughter says doing ranch dressing for the salad and I said yes we do it’s in the refrigerator and then she said oh and then ate her salad with no ranch dressing. Like she had to take a trip to the Hidden Valley to get her hands on salad dressing. We don’t live in a mansion. We live in a home where our refrigerator is in the room that we eat in. She even have to get up and she just sat there and angrily choke down a dry salad – she was too lazy to swivel to the fridge. And I respect that. We took the kids to a corn maze last fall– those are any corn mazes in Utah? Hey you guys pretty pumped up about your karma is this. Do you think the mountains are pretty you should see these corn mazes we are going on. This lipstick is from Deer Creek and this one is from a corn maze. We’re at the corn maze together for some fall fun, ten minutes into the maze my stepdaughter call me on my cell phone and said “Andy, I’m lost.” Yeah well, you are in a maze right now. That’s kind of the exact experience that we paid for this afternoon. Did you think that we had brought you to a corn hallway? What did you think was gonna happen? You’re lost? That sounds like I’m getting my money’s worth right now. How do you even think I could help you I’m also in this maze. What are you near right now? Corn? Oh yeah, I remember that part. It’s tricky. I knew it couldn’t help her so try to motivate her. I said “listen, we’re leaving in 10 minutes no matter what good luck to you if you don’t make it you live here in the corn now this is your new home give my regards to Malachi he’ll be raising you from now on. It’s going to be a strict religious upbringing for you.” There are my stepkids but a step parents know eventually you start to see your kids have some of your personality traits even though they don’t look like you and that’s really fun for me and terrible for my wife. This happened recently. My wife had to work at night so she prepared to dinner and she left a note for the kids it said put it in the oven at 350 for 20 minutes that’s all you have to do and then Evie nice home-cooked dinner my wife got home from work and my kids had to order a pizza. She asked them why they ordered a pizza and they said it seemed like too much work. Fair enough my wife was curious, she called me and she’s like “what do I do, how do I punish them? And I said did they use their own money and she goes yeah okay I don’t know I think they won this round, I don’t know how to fight. And then the situation happened again where my wife is gonna be gone during dinner time. So she’s prepared a meal and all they had to do is put in the oven and she said to the kids do not order pizza she order pizza you’re in big trouble you didn’t in trouble last time because I couldn’t believe that you would have done that, so it was so far out of the things that I would expect you kids to do that I wasn’t smart enough to punish you in a timely manner. But this time you’ll be in trouble so don’t do it again she got home from work and my girls had ordered Chinese. I love those kids. Sometimes my wife asked me to help teach the kids things I don’t believe in. Pick one that we’ve been struggling with is “don’t talk about people behind their back.” And I don’t like that because it’s been my life experience of that is the number one place that you should talk about people. I agree it’s bad to talk about people behind their back and let them find out about. It you should only talk about people behind their back with a trustworthy person. You guys aren’t laughing a lot but are you really telling me you’ve never talked about someone behind their back, they never found out about it and everyone just had a positive experience? It came up because one of my girls came home from school and she was sat cuz people have been talking about her behind her back. And I felt bad for her cause she was upset and I want to help and I have some skills that could be helpful in this situation. So I said if you want I’ll go to school with you and I’ll roast those girls that are talking about you. Come on I’m a professional stand up comedian I could destroy a couple of fifteen-year-old girls. Put these girls in therapy if you want me to, I’m on your side. And then my daughter said “Andy, no one knows who you are.” All right, I guess the roast has already begun. I felt so bad for her but at the same time I was scared because she was mad that people talked about her behind her back. I was scared that she might one day find out all this stuff my wife and I say about her, behind her back. Because the stuff we say is worse. The kid is at school and we’re just just making fun of her backpack. My wife and I are sometimes are like “yeah, we don’t we don’t know she’s gonna make it in life we… don’t know if she has the proper tools.” And we wanted to– I wanted to have nothing but happiness and success but at the same time– I once saw her put a tupperware in the dishwasher… with the lid on it, so… we got to talk about things when you’re not around sometimes. They’re constantly debating with us, they think everything I say is wrong and that’s another teenage stereotype. We had a half-hour debate on whether cold pizza was better than hot pizza. That’s a stupid debate ’cause cold pizza wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t for the hot pizzas… I don’t know why I participated in that debate for a half hour… I think I was just happy they wanted to talk to me. I saw them eating cold pizza and I said “you want me throw that in the oven?” And they said “no, we prefer cold pizza.” No, you don’t. You are too lazy to heat things up, we’ve already established that. Cold pizza is fine but no one prefers it, no it’s like “I’ll take one pepperoni for delivery and take your time getting over here. I want the cheese hard by the time it shows up. You know what? Forget the whole order, I’m just gonna get a frozen pizza and I’m gonna lick it till it’s soft enough for me to chew, ’cause I’m a teenager and I’m never wrong. Teenagers are the size of real people and that will mess with your head sometimes. I walk into the living room and I saw my wife bending over to put a DVD into the DVD player. And I thought look at that I think that I’m gonna give her a little smack on the backside let her know I’m back there you know maybe maybe even forehand backhand if she leans into it you know. Not too hard though no harder than no harder than I begged her to do to me, every year on my birthday. So I got my hand caught back and ready to party and then out of the corner of my eye I see my wife in the other room. Is everyone following along? The horror show that almost took place in my living room thank God I saw my wife from 10 thank God I saw her so I don’t know what I would have done if I would have followed through on that snackaroo gotta ruin my life I’m gonna ruin seven years of trust built up between stepfather and stepdaughter if I did that I think I want to be like I told you no DVDs until you do your homework. We have rules in this house young lady. I’m married for four years now we had a beautiful wedding we did this Japanese tradition in our wedding where as a couple you fold 1,000 paper cranes and then if you’re able to finish by your wedding day you’re supposed to have good luck throughout your marriage. We did an Americanized version of the Japanese tradition where the man folds 995 paper cranes. And then the woman folds five unrecognizable paper cranes and then for the rest of our lives we’re just gonna tell everyone that we folded in 1,000 paper cranes. I hope did the luck the amount of luck that we have in our marriage is proportionate to the amount of cranes that we folded for that afternoon. I don’t know why these feelings only leaking on your half of the bed maybe you should have folded more cranes. 4 years of marriage. It’s good and the biggest fight we ever gotten happened the day we moved in together. Here’s what happened. I was unpacking my boxes oh I saw me and she said what are you doing with those dishes you bought those dishes when you were living with another woman and I don’t want another woman’s dishes in my home. And I understand that point of view but before you decide that she’s right and I’m wrong I like to remind you that my wife has two daughters. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable about these dishes. I’m just trying to point out that you didn’t show up for the picnic empty-handed, that’s all I’m trying to say. If you want to get into specifics, I like to point out how my dishes don’t kind of look like my ex-girlfriend. When I met them they were much younger when I met him they were just learning how to live for the first time and that’s a cute age when they’re just trying out lying for the first because little kids don’t know how lie they suck at it they don’t know about alibis or alternative facts or anything like that. And it’s cute to watch them grow into the liars they will be one day as adults. One of them took some candy from her kitchen one night and she ate it during the night and the way that we caught her was she left candy wrappers laying on the floor of her bedroom. When we asked her where the candy wrappers came from she said “I don’t know.” As if there was a chance that we were gonna say “oh, we don’t know either, this is a real mystery we have on our hands. We may never know who ate those Twix bars.” My wife was upset and she said “we need to punish her, she has lied to us, that’s very serious.” I don’t think we should. I don’t think punishing her solves anything. That’s not smart parenting. If we punish her we have to let her know that we figured it out because of all the evidence that she left behind. That doesn’t teach her not to lie. That teacher star to hide evidence the next time that she wants to lie. I think we need to be smarter about this. Here’s what I want to do. I want to tell her that it was a monster that ate that candy. I’ll say “well, if he wasn’t you then wants to that monster that comes to our house sometimes. Thank God the candy was there or he may have eaten you. Sweet dreams.” We should just started throwing tootsie rolls on the floor her room every night just in case. You know what I did? I stayed up every night, snuck into her bedroom, I ate those tootsie rolls… and I left the wrappers behind. And that’s smart parenting. Let me keep these kids on their toes! Plus it’s a good life lesson for her. Lying is a necessary life skill and she needs to get better at it. And this way maybe she learned something, because the first time I said it was a monster maybe she thought I was telling a lie. But after waking up to evidence that monsters are real four weeks in a row, she’s gonna have to accept monsters there’s a real-world possibility. And that is how you tell a lie young lady. They’re much better at lying now that they’re teenagers. Teenagers just have confidence in everything they say it will mess with your mind um one night they’re getting ready for bed and I said hey did you brush and floss your teeth and one of my girls goes yeah I did and I said well that’s weird cuz I just watched you not do it that’s why I brought it out in the first place it’s my fault for phrasing it as a question. And then she said “I told you I did it and that’s all you need to know,” coming at me with the attitude so I don’t have to be a parent right now so I said alright that’s the way you want to play it I’m just gonna check the garbage in the bathroom for dental floss to see if you’re telling me the truth do and change your answer and she said “I dare you check the garbage you’re gonna feel stupid.” At this point I’m like maybe she did crushin philosophy and I blacked out for a minute I’ve never been that sure of myself. Even now I think I got khaki pants on but if someone came up and was like nice dress I’d be like am i wearing a dress oh. But the one rule that I know about parenting to be true is that if you make a threat to the kids if you threaten them to follow through on it or else the kids are gonna walk all over you so we walk together to the bathroom to check the garbage for dental floss. She’s talking trash the whole way there but how gross it’s gonna be and how dumb I’m gonna feel I get there and I look in the garbage and there’s no dental floss. And I turn around triumphant, stepdad has won this round. My daughter’s crying and the next thing you know I’m giving her a hug and apologizing. Do you understand what she was able to do to me she made me mad and then she got me to apologize for getting mad. She is really becoming a woman. I just think it’d be great if they were bad at getting away with things forever because right now it’s not a big deal we find some candy wrappers on the floor of the room that’s not a big deal but a few years from now we could be finding like rolling papers on the floor of the room and now we have serious parenting today our kids are experimenting with drugs and not the good ones you can get legally over there in Colorado to come in the form of cookies. And there’s an ingredients list on the back and all the ingredients are locally sourced. All the butter and the cookies comes from pasture raised cows that only ever eat grass and they’re never forced to live within the confines of a fence and they’re only impregnated during consensual sex with bulls that they’re in love with. You got to go to Whole Foods to get that butter but it’s worth the extra $30 even. When I was young my friend got caught with a cigarette and his mom and dad made him smoke a whole pack of cigarettes and never want to smoke cigarettes again. I have a similar idea if we find marijuana in our kids bedroom my idea is my wife and I finish it that’s my idea we finish it and then our punishment is they gonna hang out with us the whole time. I’m not even a drug user but I’ll do it because I love my daughter. They’re gonna hang out the holes done no you can’t go play your friend’s house we’re gonna watch another one of your soccer games on TV see these things are hilarious. Everybody’s going for the ball at the same time, it doesn’t make any sense! You kids got to spread out have you ever even seen people play soccer or Mary just left a field chasing a butterfly Heather’s digging a hole this is a disaster. Who’s coaching this team anyway? What’s that it’s your real dad well my fault then yeah my bad. I think it’s tough thing about being a stepparent is I don’t have that built-in thing that birth parents have to make them proud of every single thing that their child does I’m proud of most of the things my kids do cuz they’re super cool kids but I’m not proud of everything and people I know that how babies are proud of everything I’ve had more than one friend call me to brag about how early their baby lifted its head up. And to me that’s stupid to even mention but more the one guy has called me I mean like dude guess what my baby’s lifting its head up way before baby’s normally lift their head stuff. We’re probably gonna have some put her in a special school for girls was strong neck or something like that. She’s got chubby arms and chubby legs but her neck is ripped brow we gotta cut slits on the front of all her onesies so she doesn’t rip it out when she flexes her giant baby neck. I’m jealous of that level of pride I want to have that you know. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about one of my girls came home from school and she said we ran the Milan gym today I guess my time I said I don’t know maybe like nine minutes and then she said sixteen minutes. Well I would not have guessed that you ran the whole time that’s a terrible time for a mile run. Does something go wrong with was there someone playing defense on your mile rim did you have to do your mile run through a corn maze? What happened? We feed birds in our backyard that’s a big part of our lives we feed birds I don’t know what the birds were doing in our backyard before we started spending $30 a month on birds seed but it was rough times for the birds in the wood haul backyard jangling around coffee mugs out there tweet tweet food for the boat my wife loves those birds so much we were on vacation one time and we’re running low on birdseed and she got really upset and she goes what are we gonna do if the birds run out of food while we’re gone what’s gonna happen to the bird I was like well I guess they’re probably gonna die gonna we’re gonna come home to just a backyard full of dead birds you know we’re gonna have to rake them up and move on with our lives. We can let the kids play in the piles but only for the first couple days. One time she came from from Whole Foods with Whole Foods brand birdseed and it was smokehouse barbecue flavor no we’re not feeding them smokehouse barbecue flavor I’m gonna eat that I like sunflower seeds too. Does she think that birds are really in the backyard like playing again this is unacceptable it’s Labor Day weekend you know how we like to do we were gonna have the Robins over for a party but if we’re serving plane we’ll look ridiculous.     Well I’ve came into our house the other day and she said there’s a copperhead snake in the backyard you have to go kill it I don’t know if everyone’s familiar with copperhead snakes but they’re venomous snakes and if they bite you you could die. My wife came into our home and told me to fight one to the death I’ve never fought a snake in my whole life as she wants me in a death match my first time in the ring. That’s that’s not how you’re supposed to begin new hobbies you’re supposed to build up to the difficult levels let me find a worm first learn some of the moves. So I said to my wife I don’t want to fight the snake here’s what I wanted to on a wait until it leaves she said we can’t do that what if it bites the kids or bites a dog I was like okay fair point let’s just not leave any dog treats or iPhones near the snake and I think that we’ll be okay. Yes that snakes a Wi-Fi router they gotta unplug and plug back in I don’t think the kids are gonna mess with it. How about this let’s have a barbeque invite over all the neighbors we don’t like just let nature take its course. My wife rejects all my ideas she wants this snake dead so here’s what she does she calls our neighbor he comes over and kills the snake that’s not a fun moment in a man’s life standing in your own backyard watching while another man protects your family, that sucks. This had a real negative effect on my self-esteem. she heard something the night and she goes oh my god I heard something you gotta go check I said I’m gonna go check I’m gonna give Steve a call this is his job from now on. I don’t wanna go check what if it says snakes family back to avenge his death? What if we accidentally killed snake Liam Neeson’s son and now snake Liam Neeson is in the other room right now just like I have a very sss-specific set of sss-kills. That was the first thing that was ever in our backyard since then I’ve killed three of them I’m on a real rampage Steve taught me how to do it he goes what you do is you take a shovel and you chop the head off the snake and you completely remove the head from the body and you bury it in a separate grave. Which makes it do you think some weird stuff has happened between Steve and a snake at some point in his life he has to do this weird ritualistic killing every time he takes Flint out. I think it’s cute he thinks I’m gonna dig two graves I’m just gonna throw it over the fence when I’m done with it This made me a braver man though because I’m no longer afraid of snakes and none of you should be afraid of snakes either because humans have a lot of advantages in a snake fight I would say arms are the biggest one arms arms are so useful in a fight. If you don’t believe me find a guy with no arms and then hit him in the face with a shovel: you’re gonna win that fight. I don’t enjoy killing snakes. It’s not in my nature to kill things, so the last time we had one in the backyard I called animal control and I so you guys got to get over here and get the snake and take him to the forest before my wife comes home and puts a hit out on it and they go no problem we’ll be right there it costs $275 I said you know what never mind someone just chopped his head off we’re all set over here if you still want the body it’s in Steve’s yard you find it over there. We have this coffee shop by our house that just started this new thing they do call the toast bar and if you’re not familiar with the concept yet there’s a place where you can go get toast and costs eight dollars just in case you’ve ever been at home making toast and thought yourself this is way too much work I would like to outsource this job and a five thousand percent mark up. Toast used to just come free with breakfast but that’s insulting to the tous ceux I meant the toast bar I won’t treat myself so I order one slice of toast with pumpkin butter on it and they said we’re sorry sir but it’s 11:05 and we stopped serving toast at 11:00 what will happen in the back the one guy that owns a toaster go home for the day. How is it possible that you have lost your ability to heat up bread is it a union thing is toast to breakfast food and you’re unwilling to serve it in the afternoon I found out later that the toast bar opens back up from 3:00 to 5:00 who’s running this place I was so disappointed but I was hungry so I just placed my order I was like all right you win I’ll take one grilled cheese hold the cheese put some pumpkin butter on We have a dog with dog golden retriever beautiful dog and we bought her we didn’t rescue her I know that’s not the popular way to get dogs but it’s also a way that you can get the hugs we wanted to do the rescue thing we signed up for the Golden Retriever Rescue of North Carolina and we got to nine no kind of humiliating we filled out forms they came to our house and then they said it’s a letter in the mail that said we don’t think a dog should be living in your house. We’re like we have kids and they go yeah we’re calling those people as well. We’re all really sad we’re all really sad because we wanted that dog we were sad for about an hour and then I remember oh yeah if I want I can buy dogs. So I went out and we bought a dog that hadn’t been traumatized by a family that didn’t want it. And it’s a great dog it’s the best dog I ever owned and I don’t even have any hard feelings towards that rescue organization in fact I donate money to him last year I want to stay on good terms with them just on the off chance they’re right about us and I need them to rescue this dog sometimes people ask me what my wife thinks about being in so many of my jokes and maybe this will explain it to you I did some of those jokes on Conan about her being late to things and hundreds of thousands of people watched it on the internet and like the video and wrote comments about how funny it was and how they have someone in their life that’s the same way other people wrote comments about how I look like fat versions of celebrities but those aren’t so my wife was running late for something I brought up this video to her as evidence I said hundreds of thousands of people I’ve laughed at this video almost as if an agreement with my point of view that it’s crazy that you’re late to everything does that make me one change a lifestyle just a little bit and she looked at me and she said me being late is our number one source of income right now thank you very much [Applause]"
1686242275-247,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Nate Bargatze: Full Time Magic (2015) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-full-time-magic-transcript/,"Thank you. Wow. Wow. So… thank you. Thank you. Very kind. All right, all right. It’s, uh, you know… I’ll be honest with you. I don’t think the show’s gonna be as good as that. Like, I think I will let you guys down. Thank you guys so much. That was unbelievable. You guys are great. And, it’s just, you know, we’ve… I feel like we’ve peaked, so let’s just get… doing it, something? All right. I’m very excited to be here. My name’s Nate. I’m married and stuff. This is what marriage feels like, by the way… what it feels like in here right now. It’s just one person talking, and the other’s like, “I’m gonna get out of here.” It’s… That’s… We… I’m from Nashville, and me and my wife, we were in Nashville last summer, and we went out on the lake with some of our friends. And we were, like, floating around in the water, and there was a guy in a boat, like, right next to us, and my wife was like, “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend in that boat.” Now, I didn’t know who he was, so she didn’t have to say that at all, you know? She was just basically like, “Are you having fun? ‘Cause I’d like to put a stop to that.” “And make you stare at this guy the rest of the day.” So I’m, like, staring at him, and then I look at my wife, and she’s staring at him, and I feel like she’s staring at him to see what her life would be like if she didn’t marry me. So I started staring at him, ’cause I’m like, “I want to see what my life would be like if I didn’t marry her,” you know? And we were putting… we were putting so much pressure on this guy. And… we… we stared at him for a while. He did nothing exciting at all, and, uh, you know, we looked back at each other and just realized, “You know what? We don’t have a boat. That’s the only difference.” My friends… my friends were like, “You should’ve went and tried to fight him. Why didn’t you go fight him?” And I was like, “Well, I would’ve had to swim over to that fight.” “So I don’t know how intimidating that is, for a guy to see a head and a life jacket floating his way.” And then I got to get in the boat, you know? Like, have you ever tried to climb into a boat from water? It’s not aggressive. It takes an hour if no one is in the boat. Like, if he’s in there, I’m never gonna get in. I would need his help. I’d be like, “Could you help me into this boat? I can’t tell you why, but I really need in this boat.” We have a daughter now, and so it’s getting… you know, 2-year-old daughter… it’s getting pretty serious between me and my wife now. And it’s… I don’t know. I was living in New York when my daughter was to be born. She was not born here, though. We flew home. She was born in Tennessee. I didn’t want her to be born in New York. You know, I don’t need her growing up thinking she’s better than me. Yeah, yeah. I was like, “You start where we start, all right? No one gets a leg up in this family.” It’s our first kid. I don’t know if we had a kid too late in life. Sometimes I wonder, like, you know, I’m 35. I was 33 when she was born, and, like… ‘Cause you ever ask someone that has kids, you’re like, “When’s the best time of your life?” They will say before they have kids or after their kids move out. There’s, like, 20 years they don’t mention, and that’s when kids were in their house. So by the time my daughter moves out, I’ll be 53. I’ll be dead within hours. So I’ve just pushed it too far, you know? Like, I should’ve done it earlier. Like, I watched that show Teen Mom, and I was like, “Man, those girls are nailing it. Like, that’s what”… Just get it over with, you know? No one likes junior high or high school anyway, so just throw a kid in the mix. Wrap it all up. If I had my daughter at 13, she’d be moved out right now. Right now, she’d already be gone. I will be excited, like… I’ll be excited when she goes… like, when she goes to school, like, to do homework with her and stuff, you know? ‘Cause it’s like bonding, and it’s not gonna hurt for me to do one more run-through. Just one more pass. None of it stuck for me. I went to community college for one year. Do… yeah. A couple of us? Just me and this guy. That’s… did you go for longer than a year? Or one year too? Or did you go to real college? Couple years. Oh, all right. Valedictorian over here, jeez. Just… I-I made it one. And what’s even more embarrassing… that I do not have a credit. Literally, I do not have… I have zero credits. Do you have credits? You got credits, like, all of ’em? Did you graduate community college? You think you’re better than me? No, just… I just started to attack. He’s like, “I don’t know.” It’s easy, I think, to graduate. Like, I… you know… My loan was $40. I just paid cash. That’s all. I was like, “This is good.” He was like, “That’s more than enough.” I was all remedial classes, which, remedial, you know, it’s like, they just… they don’t count. None of ’em count, so all my classes were outside. Every one was outside. We wouldn’t even meet inside the building. We would just meet at a picnic table outside, ’cause our teacher was like, “Well, you guys will all be working outside.” “We’re gonna teach you about weather, you know, “and, like, we’re gonna teach you about morning dew, “how to get your socks wet. “You’re gonna be getting up pretty early “the rest of your life. “I hope you guys like sunrises, because you’re gonna see a lot of ’em.” That’s what remedial classes are for. They’re a heads-up that you’re gonna do manual labor. The assignments… our teacher’s be like, “All right, so today’s assignment is, we’re gonna help me move, so…” It’s… I’m, like… I’m pretty dumb. I’m… like, you know, I tell people I’m dumb. I’m like, “Hey, I’m dumb.” And… but no one goes, like, “Okay.” They’re just always like, “I bet you’re not dumb.” And you’re like, “Well, I’m trying to help you out here. “Uh, we’re about to have a conversation, so I’m just trying to give you a heads-up.” Here’s a story… I can prove it… if I need to… like I got to prove it. Like, everybody’s like, “Now, we… yeah, you know. We don’t need proof.” Here’s my proof, is, when I was 15, my first job was, in Nashville, was at Opryland theme park. We used to have an amusement park, and I was working, and I’m sitting eating lunch, and this couple sits down, and we start talking and stuff. I was like, “I’m Nate.” And the guy’s like, “I’m John. This is my wife, Jane,” and they… their last name was Doe. So it was John and Jane Doe. And I was just like, “That’s the craziest thing.” Like, what are the odds of that, you know? Like, that’s so crazy. Couldn’t believe it. Cut to earlier this year. I’m 35, I’m driving, and I’m thinking about John and Jane Doe. And, you know, I was like, “I bet they were lying to me about that.” That’s how long it took… 20 years… for me to catch on to a joke they wouldn’t remember saying. I don’t think they would remember it. They’d be like, “Maybe we did that.” Well, it worked. It worked so good. I tried to… I tried to Google ’em, ’cause I was, like, “Maybe they’re not lying,” you know? “I’ll find ’em and go talk to ’em.” But I am sad to report they were murdered. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it’s not good. Yep. It’s… Like, I think of it like… like time traveling. Like, if I could go back in time… like, if I could go back in time tonight and go back to, like, the ’20s, knowing everything I know right now, I don’t think I would make a difference. I don’t think you guys would even hear about it. I don’t think you would. I just don’t… like, ’cause I don’t have anything to get… You know, like I would go back, and I would see, like, some guy on a old phone, and I would be like, “Hey, eventually they have phones you, like, carry in your pocket.” And they’re like, “Yeah?” It’s like, “How do they do it?” I’m like, “Phew, I mean, I don’t know how they do it.” “Oh. I think it’s a satellite? I think… a satellite?” They’re like, “What’s a satellite?” “Oh, I shouldn’t have even said that, uh…” “It’s like metal… “Metal’s got to go pretty high in the air. I don’t know if you guys are doing”… I don’t even know if I could prove I’m from the future. I don’t even think I could. I think I would just get stuck, ’cause they would want something. Like, “Who’s the next president?” “Oh, boy. Uh… “Ooh… Abraham Lincoln. You guys are gonna love him. He’s really good.” They’d just think I’m from the past. That’s… they were like… It would just look… And then I’d have to get a regular job. I would just have to, like, wait tables or something in the ’20s. I would go back in time and do worse than I’m doing right now. I went and visited my parents recently. My parents have a real, real, real fat cat. It’s real fat. People point it out, you know? They walk in; They’re like, “Man, that cat’s fat.” And it feels rude, you know, like, “He doesn’t speak English, but we do, so maybe don’t say that.” And they’re just… you know, they’re like, “What are y’all feeding this cat?” You’re like, “Whatever you feed a cat, dude. “Like normal cat food stuff. We pour a bowl. Like, if he eats eight birds outside, he doesn’t tell us.” You know, he’s not like, “Oh, I ate out tonight. I’m good.” And then they’re like, “Well, y’all should do something.” You’re like, “What do you think we’re not doing? “Do you think he has a gym membership and we don’t drive him to the gym?” He’s a cat. That’s his gym membership, is, he’s a cat. I watched him jump from the ground on top of the refrigerator. That’s like if I jumped on top of a school bus from the ground. Like, if I… if I did that, you’re not gonna be like, “Well, you still could lose a little bit, you know.” Just keep doing what you’re doing. I got to get in shape. Not this shape. This is not a good shape. Something… I got to get… really. I thought… I was like, “Oh, I’m doing an hour special. That’ll motivate me.” And here we are. I tell people I got to get back in shape. I’ve never been in shape, you know? Like, most people are like, “If I could go back to my 20s.” I would have to go back to 7. If I could get back to when I was 7, I was just killing it. I don’t know how to work out. For me, a good workout would be… walking to McDonald’s would be a great start. You know, maybe stand up and eat it. See if that does something. I ordered the P90X videos. I thought I could do that. Never worked out a day in my life, so let’s do what the Navy SEAL’s do. You know why I ordered it? ‘Cause in the commercial… you know how they have, like, a before body and after body? In the… I was blown away by the before body. I thought that’s what you get to look like. I was like, “That guy looks great.” You know, “I would love to look like him.” Then I saw the after body, and I was like, “Does the before body guy have a DVD? “‘Cause that guy seems more my speed, you know. What did he do to get to that? And I’ll just do that.” Someone gave me an Under Armour shirt to wear. Have you ever wore one of those? It’s, like, skintight. It just shows the worst parts of your body. I look better without a shirt on than with that shirt on. You know in plastic surgery how they draw markers on you? They should just put you in that shirt and be like, “Obviously, you can see what we’re gonna go after.” I’m lazy. I can tell, like, watching sports… I was watching a football game, and I’m sitting on my couch, and I was gonna get something to drink out of the refrigerator. Right when I get up, one guy… one team kicked off to the other team. And before I could get back, the guy ran a 100-yard kickoff return, and I missed it. The guy ran 100 yards before I could get 3 to maybe 4 yards. That guy also had 11 people really trying not to let him run 100 yards. I had… I didn’t even have an ottoman in my way. It was wide open. I played sports growing up, though. I played baseball, and one time when I was playing, I’m up to bat; I get walked. So I go, I take my base, I get to first base, I turn, and I look. The catcher was still holding the ball. And, like, he wasn’t… you know, he was staring at me, almost like he’s daring me to run, like, “Why don’t you see if you can go? I don’t think you can go.” And I was like, “I’m gonna go, all right?” So I run to second. He throws it to second, overthrows second base, goes in the outfield. I run to third base. They overthrow third base, so my coach is, like, losing it, like, telling me to go home. Like, this is about to be an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I’m about to be on Sports Center,you know? Like, this is the biggest thing that’s ever happened in sports. So I go. I slide. There’s a play at the plate, and then the umpire goes, “It was only ball three.” So I have to now get up. I’m dirty, for no reason, apparently. I’m out of breath. I got to pick my bat up, exactly where I left it. It’s now three balls, two strikes. Next pitch, immediately strike out. Immediately strike out. The umpire goes, “Now you can go. Yeah, you’re fine.” I did learn something, though, that day. What I did learn was that if you’re confident, you can get away with quite a bit, you know? ‘Cause why didn’t anybody stop me? No one stopped me. No one… they knew I wasn’t supposed to be going. But I was so confident about it that that’s why the catcher was holding the ball going, “What? I don’t… why’s he… Is he supposed to be doing this?” And then I run to second; It’s like, “Well, no one’s that much of an idiot. I guess I wasn’t paying any attention.” The ball goes in the outfield. The outfield… they’re not looking. They think it’s a hit, you know, for all they know. And then I guess the umpire at some point realizes it and is just like… well, it’s easier for me to get all the way back to him to tell me. At least let me feel what it would feel like to get an inside-the-park home run off a walk. I was thinking about, too, like, all the parents in the stands, ’cause, like, they can’t hear what’s going on, so they’re just, like, watching this, and then I bat again. Like, they’re just like, “I guess I don’t understand baseball. “I thought I knew… “It’s just… baseball’s changed since I was a kid. “Used to… you go around like that, you’re done. “You don’t have to get back up there. I don’t like these new rules.” I drink too, which isn’t… like, you know, that doesn’t help. Me and that guy drink. We have pretty big problems and… Just us two. It’s… I don’t know. I’ve had signs that I should quit drinking. One was, I did a show. It was three hours outside of Phoenix, Arizona. It was at a Indian casino, which I don’t know if you’re supposed to say. I’m not… I don’t know. It’s… I don’t know. It was like… I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. It was a casino. There was, like, a crazy amount of Indians there, and… so I… I go. I drive this three-hour drive to the middle of nowhere. I get there. I do the show. Then I was like, “I’m gonna go to bed,” you know? Had to get up at 7:00 a.m., just be a normal person. Then I’m meet this cool Indian dude, and we drink till 5:00 a.m. So then I have to get up… I sleep two hours, get up. I’m walking outside with my roller bag. It’s, like, 190 degrees. I’m just questioning everything I’ve ever done in my life. I’m like, “What are you doing, dude?” And I look up, and there’s a wolf. A real wolf, just in front of my car, just staring at me. Like, and I’m just looking at this wolf. I’m like, “Why is this wolf”… I’m, like, looking around ’cause I’m expecting, like, some guy to be like, “Sorry, my wolf got loose and…” But there’s no guy. It’s just me and this wolf. And he’s just staring at me. And I don’t know how to make a wolf leave. You know, you’re like, “Get out of here, wolf.” Like, I don’t know… what… So I’m just staring, and I’m, like, looking at him. He’s looking right at me. I said, “Why is he not leaving?” Then I just was like, “Wait, is that that Indian dude I was drinking with last night?” Is he a wolf? Is… It wasn’t him. The wolf left. The wolf did wander off. And then I got in my car, and I was driving back, and this happened… This doesn’t seem real, ’cause it’s back-to-back, but I’m driving, and then I get stopped ’cause a helicopter lands in the middle of the road. There’s no one around but me and then this helicopter, and it picks up a guy and then flies off. Like, I should’ve video’d it, ’cause it’s the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. But I’m, like, hungover, so I’m acting like it happens every day. Like, I’m honking at the helicopter, like, “All right, out of all days? You couldn’t have hovered a second and let me get under?” The other one I had was, I got real drunk and let locked myself out of my hotel room completely naked. Yeah, I’ve done that in my 2-year-old daughter’s lifetime. So… if she hears this and she’s like, “Oh, was that college?” It’s like, “No, that’s when you were the most dependent on me.” Here’s what… look, I don’t know why I was sleeping naked. You just sleep naked when you’re drunk. I don’t do it normal. I think it’s gross. But that day, I was like, “We should try that. Let’s see what that’s about.” And then I remember, I was like, “I got to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on,” so I walk and I open the door… “Do Not Disturb” sign, you can crack the door and it would fit outside. But acting like I was, like, moving a couch outside, and I was, like, opening it with my body, and then I step outside, and I heard the door shut, which was the most sobering noise I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I was like, “This is not good at all.” You know, like, you’re way too far. I’m holding this “Do Not Disturb” sign, which is pointless. It’s like I just walked out to be, like, a real “Do Not Disturb” sign, just for the hallway. I was like, “Don’t come down here. We’re not ready.” So I’m standing there, and I’m like, “All right, what are you gonna do?” You know, so I look, and there’s a window. I was like, “I could jump out of that. That’s easier than having to explain this to my wife.” And then I looked to the left, and there was a cleaning lady, and she’s just staring at me. And the reason she’s there is because it’s 11:00 a.m. That’s how far in the day it is. And I’m, like, looking at her… And, look, I don’t have a body that, like, when she sees it, I’m like, “You’re welcome,” you know? It’s like, “I’m sorry. Look, I’m really… I don’t know.” So I looked at her, and she knew what I needed, you know? Like, we didn’t really talk. Like, I just kind of looked at her like, “Whew, you know, this happens… happens to the best of us, right?” And she looked at me like, “It does not… it does not happen.” She just let me back in my room. When I told my comic buddies, they tried to make me feel better. They’re like, “I wouldn’t even worry about it. I bet she sees stuff like that all the time.” And I was like, “I bet I’m in her top three.” She might walk in on people naked, but no one ever charges at her naked and then needs her help, you know? Someone might run by her and laugh. No one goes up to her like, “Look, you’re the most important person in my life right now, “and I need you to be on board with all of this, all right? Don’t ask questions.” I’ll mix it up, like, too, like, ’cause, you know, when you’re gonna lose weight, you try to, like, go… you ever do vodka-soda when you want to lose weight? Like, “I’ll do vodka-soda,” then you drink it like beer, and you wake up in the street. But you’re like, “I’m not bloated, and that’s nice.” You know, that’s… It feels so good, just that little… you’re finding any little thing. It all does… it leads to the eating… like, I mean, look, I don’t need help eating bad at all. I’ll do it naturally. And drinking just makes it… the decision that much easier. I have… like, I do all chain stuff. I like my restaurants to be doing good everywhere in the country. I just want to go, and wherever I go in the… I’ve eaten McDonald’s in Dubai. ‘Cause I’m like, “Well, let’s see what they’re doing.” You know, like, “What’s their McDonald’s like?” It’s a little different. And Applebee’s… I’m a big fan of Applebee’s. You know, I really just… whatever… If I eat somewhere that’s not Applebee’s, I will only eat what Applebee’s would serve. Like, if Applebee’s is not on board with it, I’m not gonna be, you know? I eat at Walmart. You can eat there. It’s fine. They’re fine with it. And… Walmart’s great. They’re always open. No one likes… you know, no one likes Walmart, but they’re always open. That’s why they’re great. There was a fire at a Walmart, and they did not shut down. They remained open during the fire. Like, some people didn’t even know there was a fire. Other people thought they were just selling fire. Like, that’s… that’s not that crazy of a thing. I’m a Walmart guy. I think I’m in the middle, you know. I’m not Kmart, but I’m not Target, you know? I don’t… I’m not old money. I don’t think I’m better than everybody. Just right in the middle. You ever go to Kmart? Like, Kmart doesn’t even look open when you go in there. You just walk in, you’re like, “Are you guys about to close? Are you getting looted or something?” They’re like, “No, we’re open.” “Are you? “Are you gonna cut the lights on on that side of the store?” “Maybe get some stuff, you know?” Kmart looks like where you go buy stuff if you were about to open a new Kmart. If you… if you needed shelves for your Kmart, you’re going there and be like, “This is… this is good. I think we’re gonna do it right here.” I lived here for eight years, and I love New York. I love the driving. That’s what’s, like… See, I think we should all learn how to drive in Manhattan. ‘Cause it’s great. Everybody honks at everybody. Just screaming, yelling. That’s how it should be. Growing up in the South, no one honks ever. People just sit at lights, and they’re like, “If you don’t want to go, I totally understand. “I’m probably not gonna go when I get up there, so… “let’s just wait it out, you know? Let’s let traffic die down, and we’ll get home tomorrow.” I once had to take my car to get it fixed, and I go to, like, this mechanic. It was, like… it looked like it was just, like, this dude’s house, and I go inside, and there was, like… there was a line. There was, like, people in there. So we’re sitting there… they were taking forever, and we’re all getting, you know, pretty upset about it. Finally, one of the fellow customers just starts yelling at all the employees, and I was like, “This guy is great.” Like, I loved it. Like, I would never do it, but I like when other people do it. So I was like, “Good for you. Just keep yelling at them.” And he keeps yelling, and then a mechanic comes over and is like, “You got to calm down. You can’t yell at us like that.” And the guy keeps yelling. I’m like, “This guy is great.” Like, he’s getting stuff done. You know, like, nothing can happen. Uh, I was wrong. Because they fist-fought him. They fist-fought him, and then they just dragged him outside. We just watched it. Like, all of… we just… we, like, moved up, and we’re like, “That’s crazy, right?” And… Just like, “I guess that’s what goes on here.” Like that’s in the employee handbook. It’s like, “What are you gonna do if someone gets upset? “Well, I’d like you to fight ’em in front of the other customers “so they get it “and then drag him outside “so people driving by get it as well. “You know what our motto is… our motto is, “‘What did you say? That’s what I thought you said. Keep your mouth shut.'” Yeah. You know, I tweeted about it when it happened. Like, afterwards, I thought it was funny. And they found me. That’s how crazy they were. They found it on Twitter, and they were like, “Hey, could you follow us so we can send you a message?” I was like, “How about, I got the message, all right? “I got it. I’ll delete the tweet. Don’t worry about it.” They were crazy. You just don’t say… I don’t say anything, you know, like, you know, anything about stuff that goes on. You just let stuff happen. I was flying recently, and I was on my… Now when you fly, you know you can leave your phone in airplane mode. So I’m, like, sitting there. We’re about to take off. I’m playing a game. This lady leans over a guy and was like, “Hey, you got to cut your phone off.” And I was like, “What?” And she goes, “You got to cut your phone off. You can’t have it on.” I was like, “You don’t have to do that anymore.” And she was like, “You have to do it.” I go, “You don’t have to do it. That’s not the rules, you know?” And she was like, “Look, I’m not a rule maker.” I was like, “Well, you’re acting like a rule maker, ’cause those are not the rules.” And she just… she goes, “Cut it off, all right?” And guess what. I cut it off. I cut it off, and now I think about her every day. Every day, I think about her. I just want to find her again. I really do. If she ever sees this, you are not right, all right? I was completely right. This is, I think, the only way. You were wrong about it all. I travel a lot doing comedy, which is great. I’ve been to, like, a bunch of different countries, and I… like, it’s all wasted on me. It would be better for you guys to go than me. I don’t know where I’m at, like, in the world, like, when I’m there. Like, I could be an hour from my parents or, like, five days. I’m like, “I don’t know. It’s somewhere, you know?” I went to Bahrain, and I told people I went to Bahrain, Saudi Arabia, like it was the city of Saudi Arabia. And they were like, “You know Bahrain’s its own country.” I was like, “Are they now? Good for those guys, you know? Yeah, that’s good. Good for them.” I went to Honduras. I went there. Pretty… I have a pretty decent fan base there, and… Yeah, this special’s gonna blow that place up once… I mean, they’re gonna be like, “Wow, that’s unbelievable.” A lot of fans, and it’s… No, I’m joking. It was… it was a USO tour, so we go. And I remember I went to the airport, and I, like, told the guy… I was like, “Hey, I’m going to Honduras.” And the guy was like, “All right, like, what city?” And I was like, “Well, I mean, I’m just learning right now that’s not the name of the city.” “Ugh. “You know, where do you think I would be going? “Like, looking at me, which plane do you want me to get on?” We land in Honduras, and this guy picks us up. He’s driving us to the army base, and on the way there, he was like, “Look. There’s a couple things you got to keep an eye out for.” He’s like, “When you go to bed at night, “you got to check your bed for spiders. Like, spiders hide in your bed.” He’s basically just like, “You’re not gonna sleep. Hope that’s cool.” And then he’s like, “There’s a lot of snakes too, “a lot of venomous snakes, so keep an eye out for snakes. “But if you do get bit by a snake, “the best thing to do is go ahead and just catch the snake “and then bring it with you to the doctor. “And you’re just gonna be like, ‘This is the snake that bit me.'” And I was like, “What? “I’m not gonna do that part of it. “Like, you want me to catch a snake, dude? “I’ve never caught a snake in my life. “And you want me to get bit. “Then I got to get it together and catch a snake for the first time?” I was like, “It’s not gonna go good. “He’s gonna keep biting me. That’s all that’s gonna happen.” And he was like, “It doesn’t matter. You’ve already been bit.” And I was like, “What? “Do you even know what a snake is? “Because it completely matters. “There is a huge difference between one bite “and probably 30 bites, “which is what we will be at if I try to catch this snake. “Like, who told you to say this, the snake? Is that who you asked?” I don’t believe in science, you know? That’s just… I don’t understand it, so it’s easier not to believe in it as a whole. That gets you out of a lot of arguments. If you’re just like, “I don’t believe in science,” they’re like, “All right, do you need help or…” Scientists could be making stuff up. That’s a great job to have if you want to make stuff up, ’cause no one… no one can challenge you. You know? No one, like… Nobody say anything. Like, they don’t even get in trouble if they mess up. Like, the Earth was 2 billion years old. Then they’re like, “Now it’s 4 billion years old.” It’s like, “All right, like, how many people got fired after that?” And they’re like, “Nobody.” You’re like, “Really? Y’all just… nothing? ‘Cause y’all were way off.” I read beetles are 320 million years old. It’s like, “Are they? “Or you just know that I don’t know how to figure that out? ‘Cause you could be doing that, you know?” Like, I feel like that’s your first job as a scientist. Like, when you go, they would just probably do the beetles thing. They’re just like, “Go see how old beetles are.” Like when you’re a new scientist and then you’re… You know, you don’t think… the guys are just… Those guys are, like, back there, like, “Just write… write 320 million. “Like, it doesn’t matter. Like, who’s even gonna check, you know?” It’s like, “No one’s gonna question us. We can change it at any point.” Pluto, you know, Pluto’s not a planet. Or it might be a planet. I don’t know. They change it every five seconds. The last I heard, it’s not, and that’s, like, crazy. That’s when I left science. I was like, “I’m out.” Like, “You can’t do that. “You can’t jam Pluto down my throat my whole life, “and then the second I get out of school, you’re like, ‘We were just kidding about Pluto.'” It affected me. In elementary school, I got a C minus on a test because I forgot to put Pluto, and turns out, I should’ve got above an A. That’s what I should’ve got. Yeah. I should’ve been asked to teach the class. I should’ve immediately taught that class and be like, “Nate’s apparently the best.” I never believed in Pluto, you know? I said, “It’s too far.” That’s what I told people. I go, “You just… you guys will see.” I watched a thing on 60 Minutes once about, like, this guy with animals. It was about buying tigers. Like, you can buy… Like, if you guys want a tiger, there’s a guy you can go to, and you can buy a tiger if you want. And I was like… see, they did this whole undercover reporting. And they filmed, like, where he keeps tigers. And then, you know, they, like, asked him afterwards. They’re like, “Hey, do you think it’s too easy to buy a tiger in this country?” And he was like, “Yeah, yeah, sadly, it is.” And that was, like, my favorite part, you know? I was like, “That’s why America’s the best.” I didn’t even know you could buy tigers. I would’ve been embarrassed to ask. And then I watched this, and I was like, “I don’t even have to jump through hoops if I want to buy a tiger.” It’s not an all-day thing. It’s an hour. I’ll be right back with our tiger. And everybody wants to get rid of guns, you know, like guns are the problem, but what makes me nervous is, like, you take away guns from people, those are the exact same people that will buy tigers. That’s gonna be a much bigger problem, all right? You’re probably gonna be like, “Look, here’s your gun back.” They’ll be like, “No, I’m good. “My tiger is way better than my gun. “My gun missed all the time. “My tiger rarely misses. “Even if he does miss, “it’s just for a second. It’s never long.” Like, if a guy dodges a tiger and he’s like, “Your dumb tiger missed,” it’s like, “Well, he did not. “He’s right behind you now. And he is furious, so…” You know that saying, like, “Guns don’t kill people; People kill people”? The new saying will just be like, “These tigers are killing people.” I don’t know. It won’t be a good saying. It’ll just be asking, like, “Do you know where your tiger’s at by any chance? “Do you have any idea? You don’t know? That’s… all right. That’s a big problem.” It’s… I love doing comedy, though. It’s great. The show’s almost over, just so you guys know. I like to let… I like to let everybody know where we’re at. We’re about done. I think it makes you feel better when you’re like, “All right, thanks. Thanks.” Like, how many movies you go to, and then you’re just like, “Jeez, this is taking forever.” And if a guy, like, popped in the screen, was like, “It’s about to wrap…” Yeah. It’s… I know. I know. Two more seconds. And you’re like, “Thanks, man. That was, you know…” I love doing comedy. I was… there was a time I was gonna quit. I was gonna quit early on. I tried. Then there was no one to quit to, no one. Here’s why I do it, or I think why. My dad… my dad is an entertainer as well. He’s a magician. Still is a magician. Started as a clown. Just, you know, I don’t want to come off like I come from some rich magic family… And I’m better than you guys. You know, he paid his dues, his clown dues. It’s weird when your dad’s a clown. It’s weird every day. It’s… I never trusted clowns, you know? Like, have you ever been yelled at by a clown? I have. Do you know how confusing that is, to get screamed at by a guy that’s got a smile painted on his face? You’re like, “Is this not the same clown those kids are gonna see outside?” He was a clown till I was about 12 and 13, and that’s about as long as you want your dad to be a clown. When you’re six and seven, there’s perks, absolutely. By the time you’re 12 and 13, kids at school are like, “Is he still doing that?” You’re like, “You know, off and on. “All right, guys? “Yeah, he’s almost full-time magic, so…” I… like, it’s funny, too, when I tell people that my dad was a clown. People will just be like, “Oh, I hate clowns.” It’s like, “Hey, remember… remember that time I just said my dad was a clown?” “I just said that. You’re just like, ‘I hate your father.'” Hanging out with comedians is, like, some of the best, the funnest time… I don’t know… because comedians are crazy. They can be. Like, a good buddy of mine is a comedian. His name’s Luis J. Gomez, and… Whoo! Big fans. A couple Luis J. Gomez fans. Me and Luis once, we go to McDonald’s to go eat, right? Like, I’m a big fan, so, uh… And everybody acts like, when I go there, they’re like, “Haven’t been here in forever.” It’s like, “Don’t act like I’m the one keeping ’em afloat. All right? You know? Someone’s coming here.” So we go in. We ordered our food, and then we take our food, and we sit down at our table. And then Luis went to the bathroom. He left me alone with his food. So I was, “You know what? I’m gonna play a prank on him.” So I grabbed his hamburger. I unwrapped it. I took a bite out of it. Then I wrapped it back up. I put it back down on his tray. So that’s my big prank, right? Like, when he comes back from the bathroom, I’ll be like, “Dude, did they eat your burger “before they gave it to you? “That’s crazy that they’re doing that, right? Is that crazy?” It’s a stupid prank. It’s harmless. It should never leave the table. All that should happen is, Luis should come back, he should open his burger, his first reaction should be to look at his best friend, who’s sitting with him, who also, by the way, dabbles in comedy… And just be like, “Hey, I just wanted to run this by you, “uh, before I unexpectedly go freak out on this entire McDonald’s.” That’s what I thought would go down, just a quick, “Hey, did you touch my food “the only time it was out of my sight? “I just want to know “before I try to fight a group of people “that are gonna be pretty confused on why they’re fighting.” But instead, I got to learn I’m friends with a lunatic and a guy comfortable fighting McDonald’s employees, because he opened his burger and could not have ignored me quicker. He looked at them so fast, almost like he expected them to do it, like… Like it’s happened before, and he’s like, “Again? Again with this?” He just starts yelling at everybody, just, “I’m gonna fight everybody till I find out who ate my burger.” He gets up. He starts walking towards ’em. I can’t believe this is even working. We are so much farther than I’m prepared to get. So I grab him; I was like, “Dude, I ate your burger. I ate it. “Why would you not look at me once to see if I did this?” I walked him back to the table, and we sit down, but it’s already, like, weird. Like, everybody’s, like, looking at us. It takes ten minutes for people to quit filming us with their phones. And it hits me. I start, like, thinking about it. I go, “Dude.” I go, “Luis. “You’re out of your mind. You’re gonna get killed one day, dude.” I was like, “You were about to go fight a guy.” I was like, “Let’s pretend I’m not here, all right? “Let’s pretend that someone did eat your burger “that worked at this McDonald’s. “You were gonna go blindly fight that guy. “Not even try to size him up, see what he looks like? “Do you really think you could beat up a guy “that is apparently pretty confident in himself “that he’s making burgers, he’s then eating ’em, “and then he’s wrapping ’em up and just sending ’em out to whoever?” “You don’t think that guy’s probably “the greatest fighter of all time? “I think you’re gonna walk to that McDonald’s counter “and be like, ‘Who ate my burger?’ “And all the McDonald’s employees are gonna part ways. “They know exactly who you’re talking about. “In the very back, you’re gonna see a guy “cracking his neck. “He’s got his fist in the fryer, “doesn’t even know it. He’s just warming his hands up.” Guys, thank you so much for coming out. You were unbelievable. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You were great."
1686242283-249,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,W. Kamau Bell: Private School Negro (2018) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/w-kamau-bell-private-school-negro-transcript/,"[cheering and applauding] What’s up? Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate all that applause, but also be careful. We have parents in the audience. There’s a lot of energy to put out this late at night for them. I appreciate you parents coming out ’cause you did the hard work to come here, yes. You had to get, like, babysitters and aunties, or that weird neighbor, like, it’ll probably be fine. Oh, yeah. [crowd laughing]
 [Bell laughs] Yeah, that’s how it is when you’re a parent. When you’re a parent, you have to do things sometimes for your kids… whether you want to or not. That’s the joy of parenting. Like, my kids like to go camping. It’s not their fault. Their mom is white, all right? [crowd laughing] It’s how she was raised. I got to be honest, as a black man, I just don’t feel like it’s in my DNA to want to sleep outside on purpose, you see what I’m saying? You see what I’m saying? “Let’s go sleep outside for fun.” Why would we do that?
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] We have too much camping in our history. You know what I’m talking about? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Thank you that section, yeah! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Why would I want to sleep outside? We slept outside the big house for years. Now I have a mortgage on the big house. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] How come… wherever you go camping, it’s always a feature that your cellphone reception gets much worse? Why would you put those two things together? Let’s go out into the forest… in the middle of nowhere, and my cellphone doesn’t work. Nah, nah, nah. Again, as a black man, that makes me real uncomfortable, all right? I got places at home, where my phone goes to three bars, I go, I’m getting the fuck out of here! No.
 [crowd laughing]
 Unh-unh. ”Sorry, I can’t do the laundry, honey. No, no, no.” I don’t know what might happen while I’m in there, trying to reach you. Text message comes through tomorrow. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Unh-unh, I’m not that kind of person. “I want to live off the grid.” I don’t want to live off the grid. I want the grid on my goddamn forehead! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I want my phone all charged up, all the bars, all the apps ready to go, all the news apps. You know, I need to know everything, at all times. I got an app on my phone that just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! [crowd laughing] Oh, shit! It doesn’t even say why. It doesn’t wanna scare me. It just says, “Run, n i g g a, run!” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It doesn’t want to get me nervous. I got high blood pressure. I said I’m black! What have I got to say? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Eventually, it just says, “Stop, n i g g a, stop.” Oh, good… “You good, n i g g a, you good.” Okay. Happens about three times a week. It’s how I got here tonight. “Run, n i g g a, run!” Oh, shit! Hey, I’m shooting a special right there! All right. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And I can tell… there’s some tension in the audience. Why does your phone have to call you… a n i g g a? [crowd laughing] Why would your phone… have to… call… you… a… Because “Run, black man, run!” doesn’t sound that serious, you know? [crowd laughing] Sounds like it’s encouraging me. [crowd laughing] ”Run, black man, run. You can do it, black man. You can do it. Believe in yourself, black man. Believe in yourself.” Sounds like Oprah started the app, or something. [crowd laughing] Like, it’s encouraging me to seek local office. “Black man, we need more men of color running at all levels of politics. Not just president. We need controllers…” Nah. Then I’m like, “You’re right, app, you make a good point.” [makes thudding sound] Oh, shit! I wish my phone had just called me a n i g g a. [crowd laughing] Which is the name of a book of poetry I’m writing right now. You gotta do what you can for your kids. That’s the whole thing. Whether I like it or not. And I got two daughters. Actually, currently my wife’s pregnant with our third daughter. That’s right. Yeah, yeah, that’s true. Yeah. -[crowd cheering and applauding] -That’s right. I only make girls, that’s right. That’s right. That’s all that’s coming out of here. If anybody wants a girl, I’ll finish this off and put some in here for you, and then you can… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The interesting thing about having daughters, right now, or kids, even, is that… they are also understanding that the country is in a hectic place. Like, my daughters don’t watch the news, but they can tell that things are not right. They remember when their mom cried on the election night. You know, they know things aren’t happening the way they should. I don’t know how my six-year-old gets the information, but she knows. I was watching the news, and she came in and goes… [deap breath] “Dada, are they still trying to figure out why Donald Trump is the president?” [crowd laughing] ”Yes, how did you know that? What? You watch two seconds of news and you figure– That’s the entire hour of Don Lemon, tonight. ‘Why is Donald Trump the president?’ You just synthesized an hour of CNN into one question. Fuck my show! I’m getting you a show on CNN! Tonight on Sami Bell Live, two questions. One, why is Donald Trump still President? And two, how come my Js are backwards when I write them. I don’t understand! We’re gonna solve these two questions tonight on Sami Bell Live!” Don Lemon tonight The backward Js are actually harder to figure out. She’s like, ”Trump is president because of Russia and the electoral college. Anyway, on to the Js. I try to write ’em…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] -[crowd cheering and applauding] -[chuckles] Yeah… And you know, the thing is, as bad as things are… as parents, we have to try to give our kids hope, right? Sometimes it’s hard to give them hope. You know. One time, Sami walked in and goes, “Dada… is there anything we like about Donald Trump? I mean, like, anything?” I was, like, “Uh… His haircuts are remarkably consistent.” [crowd laughing] ”He’s gotta take a lot of product. He travels a lot. He must have a big kit of… products.” I’m struggling to give my daughter something to feel hopeful about, with President Trump. Right then my wife walked in the room and went, “Move. No, no, no! Nothing! Nothing! Not a goddamn thing. I’m not mad at you, I’m just tense. No, no. What the fuck is wrong with you?” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] That’s right. That’s right. I got a #woke white wife. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Like, why are you entertaining this discussion? [chuckles] But it’s hard. I try to watch a lot of news and stay informed, but the news is not always appropriate for kids these days. Lot of parents, in here, had to explain to their kids what a shithole was. Like, ten years before they’d have to, you know? Like, my wife sometimes gets frustrated. She says, “The news is not important for children.” I’m like, “What shall I turn on?” “I don’t know. Game of Thrones. I don’t give a shit!” [crowd laughing] ”Put on the Red Wedding, you know what I’m saying? I’d prefer the Red Wedding to this. This is not appropriate.” That’s the thing. You have to, like… you know… The bigger part about being a parent is you got to control the media your kids take in. You can’t just let them watch anything on TV. And we’re really lucky in my household ’cause my oldest daughter is six, and right around the time my daughter Sami started wanting to watch TV, the show Doc McStuffins premiered. Some of you know what I’m talking about. The rest, come along for the journey. Doc McStuffins is one of the greatest TV shows in the history of television. Not one of the greatest kids TV shows. One of the greatest television shows. I’ll put it up against The Wire and The Sopranos any day. [crowd laughing] I watch that show. I’m excited for new episodes. Let me explain. Doc McStuffins is about a little black girl, who’s six years old, and she’s a doctor for her stuffed animals and toys. She wears a stethoscope, and it’s magical, and when it makes a sound, all the toys come to life. They don’t explain how it works. Voodoo? I don’t know what it is. But when her toys have problems, like when they break their arm or feeling tired, she tells them what to do. “You need to take a nap. Here’s a cast.” And so she’s actively being a doctor… on the show, as a six-year-old black girl. -Have I blown your mind, yet? -[crowd] Yeah! There’s more. So it gets kids ready to go to the doctor, not afraid of the doctor. It also teaches kids how to speak up for themselves in general. There was an episode about inappropriate touching. In one episode, one of the stuffed animals was like, “Of course storms are getting worse. That’s global warming.” Holy shit! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Doc is more woke than our president! [crowd laughing] Wait. There’s more. On the show. Doc’s mom, who’s a black woman, is also a doctor of real patients. [deep breath] And we’ve been to her practice in the show. She’s got her own private practice, so we know she’s balliiiiiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] And Doc’s dad… Black man. I don’t know what he does. He’s always in the kitchen cutting vegetables. I don’t know. I don’t know if he gets paid, but he’s like, “Would you like a carrot?” Which is, like, “Oh, my God, black man on TV offering vegetables! What is this?” That’s never been done before. No, it hasn’t, so, yeah, that’s true. [crowd laughing] But there’s more. During the commercial breaks on Doc McStuffins, they actually have real black women, who are real doctors, in real life, and they show you their office, and talk about their practice, and how they became a doctor. So, my daughters are watching Doc McStuffins, and watching Doc be a black woman doctor, and watch Doc’s mom be a black woman doctor. And then they watch real black women being doctors, so my daughters are, like, “Yeah. Black women are doctors.” -Yeah. -[crowd applauding] Yeah. It’s not even worth clapping about. Yeah. -[crowd applauding] -Black women are doctors. It’s just how the world works. Black women are doctors. And… we got to see how deep the effect was on Sami. She’d watched Doc for about a year, and it was time to go back to the doctor. And she was excited. Kids aren’t excited to go to the doctor. But she was excited. “We need to go to the doctor.” She got there. She sat up on the table, like, “When’s the doctor coming in? Can I touch the sphygmomanometer?” And I was like, “Which one is that?” [crowd laughing] And then… the doctor walked in the room… and it was a white man… and she was, like, “What the fuck is this?” [crowd laughing] ”Nah. Nah, nah, nah. Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh. Nope. That’s not a doctor. That’s not a doctor.” [crowd laughing] ”That’s not a doctor. Frankly, I don’t know if white men are ready to be doctors. I’ve never seen a white man doctor. How do we know if they even know how to become doctors?” -[crowd laughing] -[laughs] But Sami’s also smart. So, she knew, she had to let us know that she wasn’t cool with the situation. But she also knew, she had to do so in a way that let me and her mom know, but didn’t alert the doctor to anything being wrong, ’cause as we’ve taught her, you don’t want to spook a white man. You know what I mean? All the people of color here know that. You don’t want to spook a strange white man. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Keep him in front of you. Make sure… Right. We all teach our kids that. You know what I’m talking about, yeah. -You know what I’m talking about. -[crowd laughing] So, she said something to let us know that she was ready to go. But what she said, was something kids never say. So, I knew she was lying. She turned to my wife and goes, “I’m sleepy.” [crowd laughing] “Oh my, God, I’m just so sleepy! I’d like to stay with this white man touching me, but I just feel like… we should probably go and come back when… [shouting] there’s a black female doctor here!” [crowd cheering and applauding] [chuckles] What is wrong with you people? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Luckily, we live in Berkeley, California, where you can find black women doctors. Yeah, Berkeley. Yeah. Is that for Berkeley or for black women doctors? [crowd applauding] Yeah, yeah. Berkeley is like a sleepy college town. I like living there ’cause it’s a college town, but it’s also a place to relax. At least, it was that, until the election kicked up into high gear, and then it became this place that… every few weeks the alt-right would show up and start fights in the streets. If there’s anybody here who doesn’t know about the alt-right, let me explain. The alt-right is a bunch of white dudes… How do I explain? They wish there were a little bit taller. [crowd laughing] They wish they were ballers. If they had a girl, they would call her. Yeah. That’s the best way to explain it. It’s what it boils down to, if I had to bottom line it.
 [crowd applauding]
 So, every few weeks, the alt-right would show up in Berkeley and start fights. People in the media, which is hard for me ’cause I work in the media, would go, “Berkeley is fighting the alt-right in the streets. Look at Berkeley fighting…” I was like, “I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is not fighting the alt-right in the streets.” Now, here’s how it works. The alt-right puts out flyers, they get online, they create graphics, and tweet, and Facebook that they’re going to have a fight in Berkeley… on, like, a Saturday. Then what happens is that, in the surrounding area of Berkeley, people who like to fight are, like, “Wanna fight in Berkeley this weekend?” “Sure, I’d like to. What’s it about? I don’t give a shit. I just wanna hit somebody, yeah.” They show up, and they fight in the streets. The media goes, “Berkeley versus the alt-right. The alt-right is fighting in the streets.” No, it’s not Berkeley. Do you know how it affected the residents when the alt-right showed up first time? This is how the residents were affected. It canceled the farmers market. That’s how Berkeley was affected. There was white women in yoga pants at the fight, going, “This is bullshit!” [crowd laughing] ”How the fuck am I supposed to get my kale, all right? Am I supposed to get it from Whole Foods, like I’m a goddamn refugee? [shouts] Is that what I’m supposed to do? Is that what I’m supposed to do? Like I’m Somali, is that what you want me to do? Carrying yoga mats wrapped in plastic, never been used.” So yeah, the media is like, “It’s Berkeley versus the alt-right.” Then what happens is all these D-list, right-wing celebrities showed up in Berkeley to take advantage of the moment, so they could get some press. So, then you’ve got Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos showing up, and they had speeches at Berkeley, but they didn’t give the speeches ’cause then the alt-right showed up and there were fights. The police said, “This is not safe for our students,” who are like, “I gotta get to class!” So, their speeches were canceled, and then Coulter and Yiannopoulos and all the people on the right are, like, “Berkeley is anti-free speech. Berkeley doesn’t like free speech.” Nah, I live in Berkeley. Berkeley is fine with free speech. We love freedom of expression. We’re anti-bullshit, all right? We’re not down with bullshit. [crowd applauding] We’re fans of free speech. We don’t have to agree with what you say or do. There’s a naked guy who, for years, just walked around Berkeley. Everybody’s like, “There’s the naked guy. Anyway…” And different people from different sides of the political aisle were fine with it. There’d be women in burqas with their kids going to school. “Honey, the naked guy needs to get to work. We have to get out of his way.” They’re not mad. He’s like, “I got to be naked in the park by 10:30!” Berkeley’s like, “As long as you don’t get any nakedness on me, have at it.” It’s kind of Berkeley’s thing. We’re not anti-free speech. We’re anti-bullshit, man, you know? And that’s why I hate the whole fake argument about free speech. No. You have the freedom of speech, but you don’t have the freedom of consequences from that speech. You understand what I’m saying? Yeah. -You can say whatever you want to say. -[crowd applauding] But if your free speech causes riots, you have to deal with the consequences. If everywhere you go, people riot after you speak, you gotta deal with that. If everywhere I did comedy, a riot broke out, we wouldn’t be here right now. [chuckles] We’d be on YouTube with this. [crowd laughing] There’d be less people here ’cause they wouldn’t want to get caught up in a riot! Yeah, it’s just ridiculous. I’ll give you an example, of being responsible for your free speech. For years, the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan used to travel the country giving speeches. Many people thought it was hate speech. What did the Honorable Minister Louis Farrakhan do? He traveled with security! So, when he gave a speech, the Fruit of Islam would be outside, warning people on the way in. They’d line the walls and be behind him on stage, so Minister Farrakhan felt safe, the audience felt safe, the surrounding community felt safe. He knew he had to deal with the consequences of his free speech. So, what I’m saying is, Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos, if you want to walk around spewing hate speech, then hire the Nation of Islam, that’s all I’m saying! [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. [applaud continues] That’s all I’m saying. And if you do, then please let me film it for my next TV shooooooow! I wouldn’t have to be in it. I would just put Ann Coulter and Milo Yiannopoulos in a 15-passenger van with the Nation of Islam. Just driving around the country. The sexual tension would be amaziiiiiiing! [crowd laughing] Every now and then I’d do a cameo and walk in, like, “Hey, Milo. Here’s some bacon. The Nation loves bacon. All right.” [crowd laughing] [Bell chuckles] [Bell sighs] Anyway, so, while we’re on the subject of white supremacy… Um… I mean, you brought it up, so let’s talk about it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] [sighs] President Donald Trump. Yeah. No– Yeah. Yeah, I get it. I get it. You’re not down. I get it. Yes, I understand. I mean, some of you are down. You got dragged here by somebody who’s, like, “You need to see Kamau.” There’re some uncles here, “Why do we have to go to this?” “You’ll see. You’ll see.” [crowd laughing] But, man… Don– The President Trump. There’s so many moments we could discuss. We don’t have time. I’m not doing four Dave Chappelle specials. -Um–
 [crowd laughing]
 I just have to do the highlights for me. Like, there’s moments where it’s like… Some of it is so crazy. It’s just washed under by the tidal wave of more things, so we don’t even focus on it, and we go, “Wait, what’s he saying here?” He did an interview a few months ago, and we all missed it. I caught it. He actually said to a newspaper, “Being president is harder than I thought it was going to be.”
 Yeah, no shit, man!
 [crowd laughing]
 You should see it from this angle, all right? It’s a disaster over here. It’s way harder to watch you be President than it is for you to be president.
 [crowd applauding] And he’s so competitive about nonsense. After the State of the Union, he tweeted that it was the most watched State of the Union, ever. And first of all, it wasn’t. There was one during the George W. Bush era that was more watched. Which makes sense ’cause, back then, TV wasn’t as good, you know? Guess we’ve got to watch this… It’s on every channel. There’s only three channels.
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] It wasn’t the most watched State of Union, and on top of that… just ’cause people watch it doesn’t mean they like you. We watch it ’cause we need to know what you’re gonna say and how it affects our lives! ‘Cause maybe your big closure was “And that’s why I’m nuking North Korea, now.” Boom! Shit, I’d better get under the table. I think the nukes are coming in. Maybe you’re gonna hate a new group we didn’t know you were gonna hate. We have to go after the cantaloupe farmers. Er, what? Okay… [laughs] That’s why we watched it. Haven’t you heard of hate-watching? That’s what we’re doing as a nation.
 [crowd laughing] [chuckles] What are you talking about? And then, I mean, there’s so many tweets. I can’t go through all the tweets. But one of my favorites was in the wake of Charlottesville, and all the Nazi stuff that was going around America, he actually tweeted, [deep breath] “Our great country has been divided… for decades.” Yeah. All the decades. Like every single one. Ever since we started counting decades, it’s been divided for decades. At year ten, it was, like, “It’s been divided for one decade.” That’s how it works. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] The moment, like, the fucking pilgrims landed and saw native people, they’re like, “This is so great. Kill all these people, bring in free labor, let’s make America great agaaaaaaain!” It’s been divided, yes. All the decades. But I think the worst thing about Trump… it’s not even just him, it’s the people who surround him. If there’s an argument against white supremacy, it’s that greasy sack of day-old white men who surround Donald Trump. [crowd laughing] A bunch of day-old white men. Not even the new fresh white men. Like a greasy sack of day-old white men. [crowd laughing] Every white man in the administration… It’s like a pile of mildewed driftwood, you understand? Can’t do shit with it. Can’t whittle it, can’t set it on fire. [crowd laughing] -[crowd laughing] -[Bell laughs loud] [crowd applauding] I love that you’re all, like, “That’s not that funny.” But it was really… quite a picture you painted there.” The administration is just a disaster, from any measure. Some of those white dudes don’t even stay round long enough for me to finish reading their Wikipedia pages. I was like, “Sebastian Gork– Oh, he’s gone. Okay, all right. Oh, Scaramucci, you’re gonna be– No, okay. All right, all right.” Let me close a couple of these windows. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] And the people who defend him on television are, like, ”Is this the best you could do? These are the defenders? You couldn’t get better defenders than this?” One of my favorites. He’s not even on TV now. CNN had a guy named Jeffrey Lord. Yeah. I don’t even think his last name was Lord. I just think that’s what people say, after he talks. [shouts] ”Jeffrey– Lord! Oh… Jeffrey– Lord! Lord, Jeffrey, Lord. What are you saying, Jeffrey Lord? Lord, help me, Jeffrey Lord.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I think he lives next door to my mom. ”Jeffrey– Lord! Lord… Jeffrey, Lord.” Jeffrey Lord, one time, said, Donald Trump is the Martin Luther King Jr. of health care. [crowd laughing] I was like, “Jeffrey Lord, you are the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways. [crowd laughing and applauding] That’s just math. That’s just math. He was like, “That’s true, I am the Sean Spicer of Kellyanne Conways.” And I mean, you know, I miss Spicey. Wasn’t he adorable? -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s like… that’s how white supremacy works. White men get jobs they don’t want or ain’t qualified for, and get to keep them for a long time. He was like, “Sean, we have a job for you as press secretary.” “That’s great, I won’t have to talk in front of people, or there aren’t cameras around, and I’m not good at lying.” “Well, you get the job, anyway.” [crowd laughing] Just seeing him at the press conferences, like a cockroach on his back. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody pick him up and turn him over, so he can leave. [crowd laughing] Sean Spicer seems like he’s composed of the bare minimum amount of semen that it takes to make a human being. That’s all I’m saying. That’s all I’m saying. You know what I mean? Like, the bare minimum amount. Like the little… the egg was there and the sperm was just, like… [moans] [crowd laughing] And they were like, “Technically, that’s enough to make a human being. I don’t know that it’s going to amount to much, but we can try.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Just like a weak high-five that’s all fingers. Just… [crowd laughing] I guess this deal is sealed? We technically high-fived? [crowd laughing] Donald Trump Jr. seems like the sequel to the movie that shouldn’t have been made at all. He’s the Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo of humanity is all I’m saying. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Somebody said, “Jesus!” Isn’t it accurate, though? Isn’t it accurate? Yeah, exactly I got two thumbs up. And even when things are clearly egregious, like, clearly, this is not how things should work at the highest levels of the presidency. This is not how we should be around this, this is clearly wrong. They still try to… defend him. And… they don’t actually take anything with the information and make it do anything. The whole thing with when he called Africa and, I think, El Salvador, and… [mutters] Haiti, and said they’re shithole countries. Shithole countries. And it happened. We all know it happened. It was immediately reported. It wasn’t like weeks or months later. And even Senator Dick Durbin, who’s a Democrat, was, like, “Where’s the cameras? He said ‘shithole countries’. He said ‘shithole countries.’ Yes. Is TMZ here? I’ll say it. He said ‘shithole countries’! Anybody on Instagram Live? I wanna tell them.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”Anybody still got Vine? I’ll do a five-second Vine. He said ‘shithole countries’. Was that five seconds? Okay, good.” You know… And even Lindsey Graham, who’s a Republican, even he admitted it. He ran out of a meeting to senator Tim Scott, his only black friend. “Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Donald Trump just said ‘shithole countries’ in a meeting! Go tell the other blacks, Tim! You have to tell the other blacks.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”What do you mean you’re not Tim? I don’t understand.” [crowd laughing and applauding] ”You have to be Tim. Tim, stop playing with me. Tim… Come on, Tim!” [crowd laughing and applauding] He’s like, “Dude, my name is Clarence. I’m on the Supreme Court. We’ve met many times. You do this every day.” The only… the only… the only…. person I like in the administration is Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Oh, no, come on, everybody. No, she’s– Everybody in this room needs a friend like Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Who will lie to your family’s [shouts] faces… and never blink. Just looking. ”Is he here?” [harsh voice] ”He’s not here.” [crowd laughing] -”I can see him behind you.” -”That’s not him.” [crowd laughing] -”Are we good?” -”Yeah, I guess so.” ”No, she says– I know he’s there, waving at us. But she…” And the frustrating thing… the most frustrating thing, for me, about the Trump era, or error, depending upon your pronunciation… is that… I still find myself in discussions with people who will still say they don’t think he’s a racist. White people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s like, “Okay.” She’s like, “People? Oh, white people. Oh, yeah. For a second…” It’s not just white people on the right. It’s white people across the spectrum. You go, “I think Donald Trump’s a racist.” They go, “I mean… [crowd laughing] ”He’s a bad guy, [changes voice] but I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean… I wouldn’t make him the head of BET, but I don’t know if you can call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t let him do the commencement at Morehouse, but I don’t know if you can call… [drunk voice] can call him a racist. I mean, it’s just… so many things… I wouldn’t have him host the NAACP Image Awards, but I wouldn’t call him a…” White people, when someone brings up Trump’s racism, why do you turn into that thing outside used car lots? [crowd laughing] [drunk voice] ”Oh, I don’t know… I wouldn’t have him make the collard greens for the family reunion, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t put him in charge of rebuilding Puerto Rico, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. Oops. I wouldn’t cast him in the reboot of Living Single as Overton, but I wouldn’t call him a racist. I wouldn’t have him run the shea butter booth at Afropunk, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] ”I wouldn’t have him do the bake sale at the Mumia Abu-Jamal fundraiser, but I wouldn’t call him a racist.” I have hundreds of these… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] Play along at home. It’s a fun game. [crowd applauding] ”I wouldn’t buy him a pair of Stacy Adams shoes, but I wouldn’t…” I have so many. ”I wouldn’t cast him as Madea, but I don’t know.” I can’t stop. I can’t stop doing it, I can’t stop. I hope some black people are like, “I can come up with some, too!” This is a fun way to go through the next… three years. -[crowd laughing] [chuckles] So, white people, let’s be clear. Yes! He’s a racist. 100%. It’s provable. [crowd applauding] It’s provable. You can google it right now. [continuous applauding] If you google “Is Donald Trump a racist?” Google’s, like, “How much time you got?” That’s how it works. He’s a racist. I mean, you don’t have to even go… [exhales] Like, the first time he ever appeared, in print, it was in The New York Times in 1973. And it was ’cause he was a landlord who would not rent his apartments to people of color. That’s the first time, in 1973. And he was investigated by the Department of Justice. Let’s be clear about this. In 1973, the Department of Justice was run by the Nixon Administration! The Nixon Administration started the War on Drugs that targeted people of color, yet they were, like, “This is racist… This is… Nah, this is like extra racist. Give it a fun name like the War on Black People Living Indoors, but this…” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] There’s other examples. Central Park Five! Yeah, you know about that, yeah. He took out full-page newspaper ads saying, “Bring back the death penalty… to… to…” ‘Cause he wanted to kill these five men of color… who were accused of sexually assaulting a white woman, and they didn’t do it! They all went to prison. They all spent a lot of time there. They didn’t do it. He took out full-page ads calling for the death penalty. And he never apologized for it. Nobody pushes him about it. Nobody brings it up. Yes, he’s a racist. Yeah! [crowd applauding] What’s that other thing? Birtherism! ”I don’t know if this black guy was born in America. I think he’s from Kenya. He was born in Hawaii. Like I said, he wasn’t born in America.” Oh, God… And, like I said, white people go, “I don’t know.” After all that, [drunk voice] “I don’t know if you can call him a racist…” I don’t know. Some white man, on Twitter, tweeted this out. He had a blue check mark, so he was an actual white man. [crowd laughing] Not a Russian bot man, an actual white man. He tweeted out a picture of Donald Trump talking to a black man. And he goes, “Look how close Donald is standing to this black man. A racist would never do that.” [shouts] That’s not how racism wooooorks! It’s never been about proximity. Literally never! [crowd laughing] How would they have gotten black people on the boats in Africa? [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] ”I can’t be close to you because I want you to know I’m definitely a racist.” [shouts] ”Get on the boooooat!” [crowd laughing] It’s not about how close you are to a black person. Thomas Jefferson was real close to black people, you know? [crowd laughing] You know what I’m saying, sister. You know it. -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] What are you talking about? You gotta get real close to black people to lynch them. Is this thing on? Is this thing on? [drunk voice] ”I don’t know, I mean, that all sounds bad… But I don’t know if you can call him a racist, I mean…” [pants] ”I wouldn’t have him make an album of Grace Jones covers, but I don’t know if you could call him a racist.” That was way funnier than everybody else gave credit for. ”With the hi-top? Donald Trump? Yeah.” [grunts] We’ll meet afterwards at the black people meeting. [crowd laughing] Fine, I can prove he’s a racist much easier than all that stuff. Donald Trump appointed as the attorney general for the United States of America a man named Jeff Sessions. Yes, yes, we’re all in agreement there. Jeff Sessions was once found to be too racist… to be a judge… [shouts hard] in Alabama! [crowd laughing] Alabama! Alabama! Alabama! And this wasn’t in the ’50s or ’60s, it was in the 1980s! There’s black people on TV getting adopted by white people every day! Diff’rent Strokes. Webster. [crowd laughing] He’s like, “Turn on The Dukes of Hazzard.” That’s how he is! And look, I’m not even trying to make fun of Alabama when I say that. My dad lives in Alabama. I go to Alabama two, three times a year with my family. I love Alabama. But I also know that Alabama is still, in large part… Alabama, you know what I mean? There’s black people walking around, going, “Are we free? I heard we’re free. Somebody said we’re free. I got an alert on my phone that says black people are free. We’re not free? Okay. ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪
 ♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪
 You’re sure? Okay.”
 ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot  ♪
 Clearly I don’t know anything about slavery. I’m shoveling the cotton, I guess. [crowd laughing] I want to thank my ancestors who fought hard for me not to know shit about how to pick cotton. Thank you, dead black people. Thank you. -[crowd applauding]     I don’t know. The thing that hits me when I think about all the stuff that Trump is doing, it’s not just racism. It’s sexism, and transphobia, and homophobia, and ableism. You know what? It’s that it just makes me miss Barack Obama. [sobs] I just… [crowd cheering and applauding] [sobs] I just, like… Oh, give me a minute. Like a lot of people, I didn’t agree with everything Barack Obama did. There’s things he did I didn’t agree with. But he was, what’s called… a grown-up? [crowd laughing] I always feel sorry for Barack Obama. On the one hand, he was the president, which means, automatically, he sucked. Yeah. Thank you, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, and of course you know, yeah. Every president sucks. Some presidents just suck worse than others. Our job in a democracy is to push every president to be better than they even think they can be. That’s our job. We’re like parents where the kid’s, like, “I got an ‘A-plus.'” And you’re like, “Is that all you got? You couldn’t do better?” -“No, it’s impossible!” -“I’m still disappointed.” That’s how it works in a democracy. Now, admittedly, not every president is bringing us “A-pluses.” We got a guy, right now, who’s bringing us “U-minuses.” You know what I’m saying? [crowd laughing] He’s got the paper upside down, going, “I got a lowercase ‘N.'” He’s excited about a lowercase N. But, yeah, our job is to push presidents to be better, no matter how good we already think they are, you know? The problem with the presidency is the way we even talk about the presidency. The way we let the white men, who traditionally win, talk about it. They talk about it like you win the presidency. Then when they win the presidency, they want to be treated like pageant winners. They want us to be like, “Yay, you won!” [sobs] No! [crowd laughing] No, you don’t win the presidency. We all know how it works. We’re smart people. You buy the presidency. You put a bid on the presidency, and you wait to see if your bid gets taken. You don’t even have to put much money in. They take your bid. And buying the presidency is like buying anything. It’s like… it’s not new. It’s new to you. It’s like buying a used car off the internet. Whatever was wrong with the car before, it’s your problem now. And as we all know, Barack Obama bought the American car, from George W. Bush, who left the American car stuck on the highway… facing the wrong direction… in the fast lane… with bald tires and no steering wheel… and for the first three years, Dick Cheney wouldn’t get out of the back seat. [crowd laughing] ”Go to the right! Go to the right! Go to the right!” ”That’s a circle.” ”I’ll waterboard youuuuuuuuu!” ”That’s illegal.” ”I’ll shoot you in the face and make you apologize to meeeee!” And he did that shit.
 Barack was in a unique position ’cause normally in that moment, when the president is having a problem, they’re supposed to get help from co-workers. And he turned to his co-workers, “Hey, senators, can you help me push the car out of the lane?” [shouts] ”Show us your birth certificate!” ”Okay. Congress, can you help?” ”Show us your long-form birth certificate!” Barack Obama was like, “Shoot. I’m sorry, Michelle. Can you help me push this car?” “I got you, boo. Arghhhhhhhhhh!” [crowd cheering and applauding] Yeah. Yeah. You’ve seen those guns. [crowd continues to applaud] Yeah. If I’m honest, I miss Michelle most of all [sobs].
 [Crowd wowing and applauding]
 Every day, #BlackGirlMagic just spilling out of the White House.
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] It’s so amazing. I kind of wish Michelle still had a job in the White House. Every day, when Trump came home from his two hours of hard work… she would stand in the doorway, going…
 [tut-tuts]
 [crowd laughing]
 Look at this motherfucker over here. [tut-tuts] Really?
 [crowd laughing] Part of the job description of president is that you suck. But then, on the other hand, Barack Obama got all that criticism that no one else got in the history of the American presidency. Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. You’d see those squirrelly white people on TV. [shouts] Barack Obama’s a leftist, socialist, militant Muslim! Every time I heard that shit, I was like, “Man, I wish! Okay?” Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I wish! That would have been amaziiiiiing! I don’t know if you can be all those things together, but I would have loved to see the Negro tryyyyy! I think some cancel each other out, but go, Negro, go!
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] I’m getting so excited, I’m getting a bit of an erection thinking about it now. Mm. Shake it off. Shake it off. Oh, my God, that’d be so exciting! The press conferences, alone, would be pay-per-view! All he wears is baby-blue turtle necks and dashikiiiiiiiiis. Long black leather jackets. Bullet belts like you see from the movies. Got a rifle on his back at all times. Big nappy afro, black beret tilted off to the side. Never wears pants. Oh, he does lean to the left, yeah. There’s a wicker chair in the Oval Office. He’s always standing between a Black Panther and an actual black panther… [snarls]
 [crowd laughing]
 …while they play the movie The Black Panther on a loop in the background. [laughs] Press conferences are as short as shit. Walks up to the microphone, looks round angry, Black power fist, walks away. And they play the blackest song in the history of all time. The theme from Sanford and Son. [humming]
 [crowd laughing]
 [continues humming] Can’t get blacker than Redd Foxx and Quincy Jones. Unless Beyoncé wants to jump on. You know what I’m talking about. [chuckles] That’s a black president even black people could be afraid of, yes. Even the ghost of Malcolm X would be, like, “Not by those means. That is completely unnecessary.” That’s not the Negro we had.
 [crowd laughing] And the truth is that… when Trump won, I wasn’t that surprised. I know it caught people off guard, but I travel around this country a lot. I see a lot of different parts of this country. I can see that one of the problems of this country, or one of the challenges, is that we all live in our communities. Some of us love our communities so much, we start to think that everybody else should live like we live and if they’re not, they’re doing America wrong. The great thing about traveling is I get to hear things, and meet people, and experience things I never would have, that to me sound weird, and I don’t know where to classify them. But then I realize it’s not really about me. It’s fine. But it opens up my ideas of what this country is. We have to expand our idea of what an American is so we don’t think other people are doing America wrong when they’re just doing it differently than us. All right? Yeah. It’s true of people on the left, too. Not just the right. [crowd applauding] And I learned that lesson specifically. You got to expand your ideas. You don’t know what you might hear. I had a gig in Garden City, Kansas. Yeah. Somebody’s like, “Oh.” [chuckles] Somebody’s like, “Uh-oh. This won’t end well.” So, Garden City, Kansas, is one of those places that you can’t fly directly there. It’s, like, two or three planes, then you go to the airport and there’s another plane, but on a different airline that you didn’t sign up for. You been to those places? I got to St. Louis airport, I’m like, “I’m here for my flight to Garden City, Kansas.” They’re like, “It’s down there.” I start walking to a part of the airport… where there’s, like, dark… The overhead lights are, like… [imitates electricity crackling] And I get to the counter and it’s like… Joe’s Air Conditioners and Flights. You’re like, “Whoa! Did you start out selling air conditioners then add flights to sell more of them?”
 There was, like, an old-school hotel bell. Ding! The guy walks out of the back, like, “Hey, what’s up, man?” I’m, like, “I’m going to Garden City, Kansas.” He’s like, “Okay.” He’s doing my ticket, and he goes, “Oh, before we get any further, I need to ask you question. How much do you weigh?” [crowd laughing] Like, why are you asking me that? He’s like, “‘We need to know how much so we can figure out the weight distribution on the plane.” I was like, “How much do I weigh?” [crowd laughing] ”Not enough to go to Garden City, Kansas.” How much do I weigh? Here’s the thing. I’m a man. A heterosexual… cisgender… Dad man. Nobody gives a shit how much I weigh, all right? It never comes up. No, I have no fucking idea how much I weigh. [crowd laughing] I’m a heterosexual, cisgendered, Dad man. I weigh perfect, okay? You know what I’m saying?
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] I look beautiful, no matter what you say. Words can’t bring me down. [chuckles] I’m like, I’ve no idea how much I weigh. I was standing at the counter, like, “Um… Let’s see, I was, like…” [deep breaths] ”170 in high school? Maybe I’m like 175 now? I mean, I like a midnight burrito, every now and again, so 176. Let’s just round up to 180, just for the sake of argument.” [chuckles] I didn’t say that… ’cause I wanted to survive the flight, so… I was like, “I got to pick an amount that I think at least covers me?” I was, like, “750 pounds.”
 [crowd laughing]
 [chuckles] ”Why are we bringing math into this anyway? Shouldn’t you have figured it out before I got to the airport? What are you doing? Just fill her up, okay? Just put all the gas you can into the gas tank, until it spills out, then put the cap on real quick. I’ll carry gas in my lap if that helps. I’d rather crawl out on the fucking airplane and put a thing back in the…”
 [crowd laughing] [chuckles] I had my backpack, and I’m about to get on the plane. He goes, “You can’t take your backpack on the plane, ’cause that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I was like, “Okay. Let me just take my laptop out so I can watch a movie before I die.” And the guy goes, “No, that’ll screw up the weight distribution, too.” I’m like, “It’s a MacBook Air…” ”Can’t do it.” So I give him my laptop. And I get on the plane, singing to myself. ♪ Long long time ago ♪
 ♪ I can still remember ♪
 ♪ How that comic used to make me smile ♪
 ♪ But February made me shiver ♪
 ♪ With every punchline he delivered ♪
 ♪ Bad news on the doorstep ♪
 ♪ I couldn’t take one more step ♪
 ♪ I can’t remember if I cried when I read about his widowed white bride ♪
 ♪ But something touched me ♪
 ♪ Deep inside ♪
 ♪ The day ♪
 ♪ The NAACP Image Award-nominated comedian ♪
 ♪ Died ♪
 [crowd wowing] ♪ And we were singing… ♪
 [crowd singing] ♪ Bye-bye, Miss American Pie ♪
 ♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee But the levee was dry ♪
 ♪ Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye ♪
 ♪ Singin’ this’ll be the day that I die ♪
 ♪ This’ll be the day that I die… ♪ [shouts] Yeeeeeaaaaaah! No one knew that was gonna happen. No one knew that shit was going down. Some of you are like, “I haven’t felt this good since the election!” Who knew we just needed an “American Pie” sing-along? The white people are, like, “My spine is back! My spine is back! [shouts] Donald Trump’s a raciiiiiiist!” [crowd laughing] Felt good, huh? Meanwhile, all the black people are like, “What the fuck is this?” ”Nah, Negro. Nah. Nah. I knew this was one of those private school Negroes. I knew this shit.”
 [crowd laughing] [chuckles] So I get to Garden City, Kansas. Yeah, we’re still there. It’s like… This is gonna go for a while. This is like R. Kelly’s Trapped in the Closet… -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] I get to Garden City, Kansas. I do the gig. It goes fine. After the gig, I’m in, like, a school cafeteria… and I get some tea… and I’m looking for some sugar to put in my tea. But I couldn’t find any sugar. And all of a sudden, I see the oatmeal station. I see there’s brown sugar, so I go, “I’ll put brown sugar in my tea.” I walk over to the oatmeal station, and I put some brown sugar in my tea, and at that moment, this little old white lady sees me doing it. And she walks over to me. You hear things, in small towns, I don’t even know how to react. She walks over, and she goes, “Excuse me. Are you putting brown sugar in your coffee?” I was like, “No, my tea.” She goes, “Whoo! ‘Cause if you had been, then I’d think to myself, ‘Now I’ve seen everything!'” [crowd laughing] [shouts] Nooooooooooo!
 Here’s the thing about that. If that’s your response to me putting brown sugar in my coffee, I know one of two things is true. Either you’ve seen everything. Or, more likely, you’ve seen… [shouts] nothing! Not a goddamn thing. You are living Groundhog Day every day of your life… You wake up, go to work, come home and watch that Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy back-to-back that’s been on for 30 years. Then you immediately go, “Night, night.” [snores] You’ve never seen primetime television. Now I’ve seen everything? From me putting… I was like… I was a little sad I wasn’t actually putting brown sugar in my coffee. What would her reaction have been like then? Like, maybe she’s seen everything… and this is the last thing she needs to see before she dies. Like she’s got a bucket list, and it’s all filled out, and she’s ready to die, but she needs to see one more thing. Maybe she’s like, [harsh voice] “I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. I was at Stonewall with my LGBTQ brothers and sisters fighting the cops. I was organizing with the migrant farm workers in Mexico. I was with Che Guevara when I said, ‘Keep wearing the hat. It looks cute.”’ [crowd laughing] ”I was in Silicon Valley with Steve Jobs. I said, ‘I don’t give a shit what you call it. Call it Apple. I’m hungry, Steve.’ I’ve been everywhere. I’ve seen everything. But the one thing I’ve never seen… is a random black guy… putting brown sugar… in his coffeeeee! I just want to diiiiiiie. I can’t wait much longer. But I was cursed as a young girl. I’m 172 years old.” [gasps] ”I see a black guy! With a coffee cup. He’s putting brown sugar in it. Lord Jesus, thank you! I’ve been a faithful servant. Excuse me, black man. Are you putting brown sugar…” [deep breath] ”in your coffee?” ”Nah, it’s my tea.” [shouts] Damn it! I want to shuffle off this mortal coil! Disappointeeeeeeed! The next day in Garden City, Kansas– No, I’m just kidding! -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It just keeps going! So, yeah… There’s a lot of different people in this country with different ideas. Some of those ideas we need to fight back against when they’re wrong or hurting people, but some are just different. You know. And the amazing thing about having my kids, my daughters, is I’m starting to see the world through their eyes, which is different to mine, ’cause they’re people living a different experience as mixed-race/black kids. Thank you, white people, for that. They have this two-identity thing, so I don’t have all the answers for them, and my wife who’s white doesn’t have answers so we learn through their eyes. You know? And it’s sort of interesting, because Sami is darker than Juno… and I didn’t realize how that was affecting them. Until one day I was talking to my daughters, I was like, “Hey, we’re all black people.” That’s how we talk in my house. “We’re all black people.” Their mom wasn’t in the room at the time. I was like, “Hold on a second. We’re all black people.” And my daughter Sami… at that moment, looks at me and goes… and points at her sister… [crowd laughing] She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings! She’s going to find out she’s white some day!” I realized we’ve totally flipped the whole white supremacy thing in my house! In my house, black is good, and white’s the bad thing to be! She was like, “Don’t hurt her feelings. She’s gonna find out she’s white.” And as much as I knew that that was not correct… I was also too busy laughing. [crowd laughing] And looking for a pen to write it down, you know? In that space when I was laughing and looking for a pen, suddenly Sami brightened up and goes, “Wait, I just realized something. In our house, we have two blacks and two whites.” Are you thinking about a potential race riot? What are you doing? Yes, Donald Trump might bring around the actual race riot, but it’s not gonna affect our house! Think we’re going to split up into teams at our house? ”Blacks on that side. Whites on this side. Let’s do this!” Like we would also? I gotta be honest, if we did have to have that kind of fight in the house, I love Sami. She’s tough, but I want my three-year-old daughter Juno. If you’re in a fight, you want a three-year-old with you ’cause they don’t play fair, and Juno… Three-year-olds have that thing where they have all their physical capabilities, but the brain hasn’t caught up with their bodies, so they can’t get the words out. They’re kind of like teeny-tiny Hulks, you know? [roars] So that’s who I want on my side if we’re breaking into fight teams in the house. Juno, she’s adorable and sweet, but sometimes she just gets mad. Like, she actually takes swings at people! You know what I mean? Like, she regularly will take a swing at me. Again, I’d like to parent them over it, but it’s also kind of adorable and hilarious! One time, she took a swing at me, I go, “Okay, wait a minute, Juno. What’s your best-case scenario for this? What’s your best case? Let’s say you hit me in my thigh. Somehow that hits a fresh point and you knock me the fuck out. I’m just out. Then what happens? You eat all the bananas you can reach, then what happens?” She looked me in the eye and said, “I figure out.” [crowd laughing and applauding] [chuckles] Yeah. It’s tough. And so now the thing is, we’ve had to teach her that she’s got to be careful. ‘Cause we actually got our first note home from her school. Apparently, there was a disturbance over a toy. Her and a little boy fought over the toy. The note said she hit the boy, and she actually scratched him with her fingernails. It’s moments like that, you find out a lot about who you are as a parent. ‘Cause in that moment, I turned to Juno and I said, “Juno, we gotta cut your fingernails ’cause… Don’t do the crime and the time, Juno! That’s…” I think that’s how that expression goes. Yeah, I wasn’t really mad at her for hitting a kid. I learned from my mom. You don’t take the state’s side against your child. [crowd laughing] So now we have a rule that Juno is not allowed to hit anybody… but me. The point being, I don’t want her walking round hitting people, but also, as a future lady, I want her to know how to throw a punch. You see what I’m saying? I don’t want the first time she needs to throw a punch to be the first time she throws a punch. At some point, she’ll be like, “I know I’m not supposed to hit people, but… wallaaaaaa” [shouts] The great thing is, because she’s hitting me, she’s really getting her core strength up, ’cause I’m huge, like 180, 182 pounds. [crowd laughing] Yeah, so she’s really working her core! You know? Like some What’s Love Got To Do With It Angela Bassett-era, you know? [chuckles] I think that’s great. One time she’ll have to hit a dude. “What did you say? Wallaaaaaa” [shouts] Like Flawless Victory. Finish him! So, I realized that… Juno being lighter, the world does not always see us as being connected. ‘Cause she looks white to white people. Not to black people. They’re like, “I see that hair and that nose, that’s one of us there.” -[crowd laughing] -[chuckles] It’s got a little extra kink to it. But when we walk around the world together, just the two of us, the world doesn’t always see us as being connected, you know? The thing with Juno, like I said, she’s a little… [grunts] But she also likes to run. Sometimes she’ll be like, “Dada, can I run?” Yeah, so she goes… [grunts] Like LeBron on the fast break. I let her run, especially when we go to airports ’cause I want her to get the wiggles out before the flight. So, she’ll take off running, and she’ll run full-on. She doesn’t get out of people’s way. You get out of her way, and I love it. As a young woman, she should make the world bend to her, instead of bending to them. You know what I’m saying? Just keep running… They’ll figure it out. [crowd applauding] The funny thing is in airports, she’ll be 20, 30 feet away from me and people are like, “There’s this little white baby running…” and they look up for the kid’s parents… but they’ll see me, and they don’t see me as a parent. They’re like, “Black man, move! I’m looking for her parents! You can’t be the parent. You’re a different shade! That’s how parenting works all the time! Move, black man!” And ’cause I’m a comedian, I’m like, “Oh, my God, yes! Let me help you find this child’s parents. Is this an amber alert? Is that how this works? I don’t know! Do we text Amber? I don’t know what to do!” [crowd laughing] People don’t like that joke. “That’s cruel to do to your daughter.” Look, she doesn’t get that far away. And nobody ever gets that involved. They’re at the airport, they’re like, “Maybe she’s late for a baby flight.” [crowd laughing] I mean, babies fly for free in the overhead on Spirit Airlines. I don’t know how it works. [laughs] So one time we’re in the airport and she takes off running. Like 20, 30 feet ahead of me, she turns a corner, so I gotta catch up. I turn the corner, and she’s found this toy store in the airport. And this toy store has these huge inflatable Mickey Mouses. Like, they’re just huge! And she sees them, and she grabs, like, five of them. She sets them on the ground in a semicircle and sits across from them, like, [shouts] “Airport tea party!” Which I didn’t know was a thing. Airport tea party. She does that and this woman who works at the toy store goes, “No! No! No!” And starts snatching the Mickey Mouses from her, like started pulling them. I was like, “What are you doing, lady?” First, nobody talks to my kid that way. You don’t know my kid and how I parent. We don’t talk to our kid that way. You can’t just yell at my kid. Second, it’s a toy store in the airport. You expect no one’a gonna touch this shit? Third, you may not realize, but my girl is black and mixed race. Black women take the shit end of the stick a lot in this country. So I don’t need you teaching her that at age three, okay? Nah. you can’t just be yelling at her. That’s not how it works, you can’t– No. And fourth… you just fucked up a sale. I almost bought five Mickey Mouses, you understand what I’m saying? Five overpriced airport– I would have bought six, three for each, so they wouldn’t fight over them. I almost headed back to the gate with six huge bags. “Hi, Emma. I bought six inflatable Mickey Mouses. Juno kind of liked them for a second. No, she doesn’t like them now, but we have all six of them. Yeah, we have to leave the luggage here in the Denver airport, I’m sorry. We gotta get these home.” So, lady, you just fucked up a sale. You just fucked up a huge sale. And, you know… But I was, like… in that moment, and my mom had moments like this with me, so I remember these moments, moments when the outside world gets in the way of your family… and you figure out how to defend your family and let your family know that you’re on their side no matter what happens. You know, and I realized in that moment that I had to defend her, but I also had to do what I’m trying to do in 2018. When racism happens to me… Historically, people of color just hold it. This is true of all the hates. Like transphobia, like homophobia, like ableism. You just hold it, and you have to take it home. But in 2018, I’m playing hot potato. I just toss it right back. Nope! I’m out of time. I’m out of time. [crowd applauding] You tell the story. So I realize I have to defend her, and also toss the racism back to this lady. I look down at my beautiful daughter Juno. “It’s okay, Juno, we have to go, because apparently… [shouts] they don’t serve black people here!” [humming Sanford and Son theme] Thank you, everybody! ♪ Long long time ago ♪ Thank you. [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. [crowd continue cheering and applauding] Sir, I feel like I’m looking into my future. How am I doing in the future? It looks like I’m doing all right. It looks like I’m doing all right. [chuckles] I like those gloves. I’m gonna start wearing those gloves."
1686242766-367,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tig-notaro-boyish-girl-interrupted-transcript/,"(Chattering) (music playing) (audience cheering) Thank you. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? My goodness. (Chuckles) Wow, thank you. People are like, “Tig!” (audience laughs) “Why are you shooting your special in Boston?” (audience laughs) Woman: Whoo! I’ll tell ya something, my grandfather… was originally from Boston. (Audience cheers) And my mother lived in Boston when she was a tiny, little person. Man: Whoo! And this rug… Hear me out. This rug I am standing on has been in my family since the 1800s and was in my mother’s house in Boston in the ’40s. (audience cheers) Why am I shooting my special… in Boston? I wanted to show you my rug. (audience laughs) Why am I shooting my special in Boston? No more stupid questions. (laughs) Please. I performed in Las Vegas and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas, typically, you have to do an entire week, seven nights in a row, two shows a night. There’s an early show and a late show, and I bombed all 14… (audience laughs) …shows. And I’m not a huge drinker and I don’t really gamble, so I didn’t know what to do between the early and late show. So the first night I thought I’d hang out in my hotel room, but it was so far away from the venue that I only had enough time to walk back to my room… stand like this for two minutes… and then head back to the Comedy Club. The rest of the time, I thought, “I’ll just sit in the back corner of the club,” hang out between the shows, “and just kill time having a glass of water.” I’m sitting there and my agent calls me to tell me that the venue called him to say that they thought it was weird… (audience laughs) …that I was just sitting in the back corner… and could I please leave and go find something else to do. So, again, I’m sitting there, my phone rings, I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” (audience laughs) “Oh. Okay.” So humiliating! It’s not like that call came from some far-off headquarters someplace. That call came from inside the club. I’m certain the guy was looking through a little window staring at me with disgust on his face. Just like, “Ugh, tell her to get out of here.” Yeah, I’m sick of looking at her face.” I still didn’t know where to go or what to do. So I took the escalator down to the first floor and there’s an ice cream shop down there. And I’m an adult. I just… personally, I don’t sit alone in ice cream shops just… (audience laughs) And let me be certain… to not use… the object that is the exact shape… of an ice cream cone. (Audience laughing) So I finished my ice cream cone, I took the escalator back up, I did the final show, and, of course, I bombed. I got offstage. I shook hands with the audience members. And they were just like… “We hate you.” I was like, “Feeling is mutual.” I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too. Then I went into the office and got paid. Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room. I put my pajamas on. I had little pigs flying all over my pants. I looked so adorable. It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week. And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth. And that’s when I caught my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had a full-blown chocolate mustache on my face. I was like, “No!” My brain starts replaying everything that had just happened to me. I was onstage for an entire hour… bombing… with a chocolate mustache on my face. And then remember all up close and personal, I was… Not one person… was like, “Oh.” You have…” “You…” Uh-uh, nobody told me. And then I went into the office to get paid… by the guy that I am certain made that original phone call telling me to please leave and go find something else to do. Guess who found something else to do? Woman: Whoo!     Me. I did. I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream. What is my problem? I am six years from 50. Can I not just glance in the mirror before I go onstage? What is my to-do list every night? Belly full of ice cream. Check. Head onstage. (audience laughs) What did the owner of the club think as I sat there across the desk in a tiny office with a chocolate mustache on my face? A grown woman… wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows. Holding out my little paw. Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone out of the hand of a small child, slammed it in my own face, hopped back up onstage? Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas? I’m nuts. Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself… with a fake mustache, trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of? Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I’m on. (Whistling) Oh, great, there’s stairs. (Groans) Guys, relax! Relax, I’m just a person. What if somebody walked into the show right now… and they didn’t recognize me? “I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special.” Where did she go? “Where’s Tig?” Guys, it’s me. It’s me. It’s me. Uh, where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Where did Tig go? Let me see your little belly. Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am. Oh, you guys are dumb. Oh, my gosh. As a comedian, people always ask me what makes me laugh really hard. And, um, I was making a video one time. Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine where at the end he ends up in a bathtub with Santa Claus. And there are websites that you can go on and find your perfect, ideal Santa, click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs. We could not find the perfect Santa Claus. And he said, “Do you mind if we take a break” and go to McDonald’s so I can get a couple hamburgers? “And then we’ll come back.” And I said, “Man, whatever you need.” We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers. He said, “I cannot wait to eat these.” Do you mind if we just sit here “and I eat ’em and then we go back?” I said again, “Whatever you need.” So he backs his car into this space and we’re now looking out over the entire McDonald’s parking lot and I see this woman off in the distance acting utterly insane. And I said, “What do you think she’s doing?” And he said, “I don’t know, but I’m gonna film her.” He gets his phone out, he presses record, and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield. The second he pressed record, a boat of a car drove past us and a man turned and it was Santa Claus. And I yelled, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And he yelled, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then he shut off the phone, we peel out and just haul ass chasing Santa Claus down the street. And we come up next to him at the light and I realize in that moment I hadn’t thought about what I was gonna say when we caught him. And I said, “Hi.” Um, you know who you look like, right?” And he said, “Santa Claus.” And I said, “Yes.” I said, “My friend and I are making a video” and we wanted to hire you to be in it.” He hands me his business card and as he’s driving off I look at it and it said his name at some very conservative church dot-org. And I said, “Oh, man.” This guy is not gonna get into a bathtub with you.” Or maybe he will. So we drive off feeling defeated and then I start thinking about that video from earlier. And I started laughing. And I asked him to pull the car over to play it back for us and he said, “Why?” And I said, “Because I feel confident” that we captured the most ridiculous footage “since the beginning of time.” And then he started thinking about it and then we were both hunched over laughing so hard, hyperventilating, crying, trying to push each other away from each other. We were laughing so hard, we both became ugly people. And we still hadn’t even seen the video yet. And then he pulls the car over and he presses play and you don’t see that woman off in the distance. It’s like she was never a part of this. The second he pressed play, the only thing that you see… is a boat of a car driving past us and a man turning… and you hear me earnestly… yell, “Oh, my God, it’s Santa Claus!” And you see my hand just dart up into the video. And then you hear my friend, a full-grown man, yell, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” And then it just shuts out. If anybody came across that video footage with zero backstory, it truly appears as though two full-grown buffoons… thought that they saw Santa Claus. And what is my friend’s history with Santa Claus… that his response… would be, “Oh, my God, do you think he’ll talk to us?” Just an entire lifetime of him running up to Santa only to be met with… But Santa… I love everybody’s little laugh noises. My favorite laugh noise is, um, the sigh after the laugh. The… (sighs) (laughs) (sighs) ‘Cause it’s like you’re reminiscing about one second ago. (laughs) (sighs) Remember one second ago? (Sighs) Yeah, that was a good time. Yeah. My other favorite laugh noise is the pig snort. You know, when somebody is just really enjoying themselves. And then… (snorts) Because I’m always curious, is that something they decided to do? Like a calculated decision. Or are they just as surprised as we are… when a pig snort flies out of their face? I like to think it’s the other option where they’re just like, “You know what?” I have been laughing… and smiling… and clapping all night, but I still feel like she doesn’t get… how much I get her. Think I’m gonna go ahead and snort like a pig. Yeah, this, uh… This story she’s telling, this is actually one of my favorites I was telling… “Oh, hold on one second.” (snorts) “Love your stuff.” (snorts) My dream situation is actually the… At the end of the night when the lights go on that there is an actual pig in the audience. Just out on the town, pantless, clanking its little cloven hooves together. Sitting on its little curlicue. Comes up to me at the end of the night, “Hey, um, that was me.” I, uh… I can’t laugh, so I snort. Sure, I can talk… but I wanted to say I really liked that part earlier when you were talking about having little pigs on your pants. Anyway, I don’t wanna keep you, I just… I really just wanted to say… I just wanted to say pig fan, pig fan. Boston, that’s a terrible joke. I’m sorry. (laughs) Sorry, I’m just up here being a ham and I… I’m sor… That’s too much, you’re right. (chuckles) Too many puns eventually becomes a “boar” and I don’t wanna… Don’t shake your head at me. I will reimburse you. I am sorry. I’m originally from Mississippi. Man: Whoo! Um… (audience laughs) Settle down, everyone. I’m originally from Mississippi and, um, my fiancée is, um… (audience cheering) Thank you. Um… He is from… (audience laughs) Okay. She was raised in Los Angeles and New York and I invited her back to Mississippi to spend the holidays with me and my extended family. And before the trip, she said, um, “No offense, but…” And I said, “Yes, what is this flattering thing you’re about to say?” She said, “When I picture people from Mississippi”, I picture them barefoot.” Thank you. And I said, “Okay, I get it, but, um,” my family is civilized. They have homes and jobs and shoes, “but I hear ya.” So I was down there hanging out before she arrived, and when you fly in to visit my town, you fly in to the New Orleans airport. And all 11 of my family members piled into a van to drive into the French Quarter to hang out, wait until she arrived. And I finally was like, “Oh, yeah, she’s gonna be landing soon.” We gotta go.” All 11 of them piled back into the van with their beers… I don’t know if you know, but it is legal down there to have open containers in vehicles. They all get in. They also brought a cooler iced down with extra beer just for the drive to the airport. I offered to be the sober driver, not that anybody in my family cared either way. They were just like, “Okay, nerd.” So we pull up curbside at baggage claim and I get out and say, “I will be right back.” I go in, I find her. We’re walking out chatting. She looks up… and she said, “Is that your family?” I look up and all 11 of them have gotten out of the van. They’re smoking and drinking, they’re waving wildly, so excited to meet her. They’ve pulled the cooler out onto the sidewalk. And they were barefoot. After walking around the French Quarter all day, they took their shoes off on the drive to get her. So there I was… having to say, “Yes,” that is my civilized family… that I told you about. “There they are in all of their glory.” So we have the holidays, Christmas, whatever, she and I are driving out of town together and, uh, I asked her if, uh… A couple years ago my mother passed away and we buried her in our hometown in Mississippi and I asked if we could go visit her grave. And she said of course. And just to back up a little more, when my stepfather and I were driving away from the funeral, he told me, “When your mother died,” they were offering a really good deal on burial plots. I ended up getting six “for a thousand dollars.” He said, “I got one for your mother,” I got one for me, I got one for you, I got one for your brother, “and then I got two extras.” Man: Whoo! I said, “That is serious bargain shopping” just to toss in two extra burial plots.” And he said, “Well, I thought I would get those” in case you or your brother, if you had partners one day.” And I said, “Oh, well, thank you, but still…” So my girlfriend and I pull up to the graveyard, we get out of the car… we walk over, we’re standing there. She’s looking around. She said, “This is really beautiful.” She said, “So is it just… Is it just this right here?” And I said, “Well…” (exhales) “That’s the thing, um…” When my mother died, they were offering a really good deal. Six plots for a thousand dollars. So my stepfather… my mother, she’s just buried right here, but he got hers, and then one for him, he got one for me, he got one for my brother. And then, um… He got two extras… in case we had partners. So, um… I guess, um… I guess that’s where you’ll be gay buried. Barefoot in Mississippi, “just like you always imagined.” She thought it was some twisted marriage proposal. After my mother passed away, I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, um, but I have not told anybody yet. (Audience laughs) You’re the first people to find out. Wow, that’s a very cold response. (Sighs) I ended up having a double mastectomy, and, um, before my surgery, I was already relatively flat-chested. And, uh, I made so many jokes over the years about how small my boobs were that I started to think that maybe my boobs overheard me… and were just like, “Pfft.” You know what? We’re sick of this. “Let’s kill her.” I’m always thrown off by the clapping. Whoo, take her down! I did a show where this woman sat front row with her arms crossed shaking her head at me. And I said, “Is there something wrong?” And she said, “You should end your jokes with ‘I’m just kidding.'” Oh, right, right. I don’t know why I never thought about that. That is a great idea. I’m just kidding. I’m not kid… I really did have cancer, I just… I don’t really think that my boobs were conspiring to kill me. That I’m kidding about. (Sighs) Yeah. Oh, we remember. Before I had my double mastectomy, I, um… I would sometimes be mistaken for a man. And, um, that’s fine. But then after the surgery, it went up a bit. I was going through security at the airport and, um… they said, “Female assist,” which means they have to have a female officer pat me down extra. And so this woman comes over and she comes in, just… And I didn’t have reconstructive surgery. I just… She was like… (audience laughs) She didn’t feel a boob or… a bra or anything. And she said, “Hold on a second.” And she walked only maybe this far away. And she whispered something to the other officer. And I just heard him say, “Yes, I’m positive.” (audience laughs) So she comes back over and she’s like… But this time she stopped before she touched me and she looked up… at my face… She really took it in. But apparently, that was not helpful at all. And she said, “Hold on a second.” (audience laughing) She walks back over and whispers something again to the officer and he just says, “Yes.” And the thing is, I knew exactly what was happening and I knew that all I needed to do was speak… and then she would know that I was female. But I just did not wanna help her out… (audience laughing) Man: Whoo! (audience cheering) …at all. I was enjoying the awkwardness so much. I just loved standing there like… She finally came back over and said, “You’re good.” And I walked off saying, (imitates deep voice) “Uh, thank you. Thank you very much.” Oh, my gosh, you guys are so nice. I, um… have really been s… (audience catcalls) Do not tempt me. (audience laughs) I will do it. I will… I will… (audience cheering) Guys… guys, no. (Audience cheering) Of course I’m not gonna take my shirt off on my sp… (audience groans, cheers)     (man whistling) No. (Audience cheering) Woman: Whoo! So… (man whistling) I’ll tell you, I, uh… I am afraid to fly and I… I am. Sure, laugh all you want, but I… I’m very afraid to fly and I went on a plane that seated maybe only six people. And you c… It was so tiny that you could only kind of crouch to get through the plane. And, um… oh, my God, it was so small. And once we got to our cruising altitude, we’re flying along and the pilot, who’s just sitting right there, he’s just like, “Hey, how’s it going?” And, um… (laughs) You do your thing, I’ll do mine. He gets out of his seat and just is like, “Let me show you where the emergency toilet is.” And I said, “I’ll decide where the emergency toilet is.” (audience laughing) “How about here? How about this is the emergency toilet?” Or how about right here? This could be the emergency toilet. How about anywhere I decide is the emergency toilet? This entire flight feels like an emergency. Just one huge emergency toilet flying through the air. Now go sit back down, you joker. “Don’t you worry about the emergency toilet.” I love on, um, commercial flights when, um, you’re seated in the emergency exit row and the flight attendant’s like, “You know, just wondering” if in the event of an emergency, “you’d be willing to help out.” And I’m like, “Pfft…” Totally. If you need anything, you come grab me. But I was just wondering if maybe we could wait and see what kind of shape I’m in after the plane plummets 30,000 feet. ‘Cause I don’t even know if I’m gonna be sitting here anymore. “But absolutely, you come grab me if you need anything.” Are they really gonna hold me to that? Where’s that woman from 12 E? Where’s that guy from 12 E? Nah, he said he’d help us out. I’m just off in the distance gathering my own body parts. Did somebody need something? I did give a verbal confirmation, so… Carrying my own head in my hand. Yeah, just let me know what I can do for ya. Oh, man, flying, huh? (Audience cheering) I’ve been traveling around so much and, um, I’ve noticed in the States… I haven’t really noticed it so much overseas anywhere, but in the US I’ve noticed these signs showing up at public pools. And, um, I’m sure plenty of you have seen these, and they say that you cannot go swimming if you have diarrhea. Raise your hand if you’ve seen these signs. Yes, these are actual signs. And my question is how frequently was this happening? But, more importantly, how confident of a person do you have to be… to be like, “Oh, man.” Oh, man.” (exhales) “I do not feel well.” Doctor said I should definitely stay home. Stick near the toilet. “But you know what?” (audience laughs) “I’m gonna head down to the public pool.” Go swim around. “With full blown diarrhea.” They’re just like, “Hey! Out of the pool!” Me? Yeah, you can’t swim with diarrhea. Oh, so this is a problem? Yeah, gotta get out of the pool. Listen… if you don’t want me swimming with diarrhea, then you’re gonna need to hang up a sign. Otherwise, there’s just no possible way… (chuckles) I would know better. So until that goes… Thank you so much. No, no, no, no. I’m not… I’m not leaving, I’m not leaving. I have a weird delivery. It… (audience laughing) I’ve had it my whole life, my whole career. Sounds like I’m leaving, but I’m just saying thank you. It’s kind of like you guys really got that, thanks! (Sighs) I have a gift for you all. Uh, something that brings me a lot of joy in my life. I wanna give it to you so that you can experience the happiness that I do. I love… sending text messages to friends of mine at random times of the day that just say, “What’s your ETA?” I just love knowing that somewhere across town somebody is half-naked frantically rifling through emails and text messages trying to figure out what they agreed to do with me. And they write back, “What?” And then write back, “Yeah, we’re all seated. Better hurry.” And then they write back, “Where?” And then don’t respond. Ever again. Cut them out of your life. Delete them from your phone. Just move on. It was time. It was time and you both knew it. Thank you! (audience laughs) Thank you so much. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. (Sighs) I’ve been doing stand-up for almost 20 years now and… every show I’ve ever done… whether it was a coffee shop, an open mic, a sold-out theater, a college, a club, every single show I’ve ever done, I’ve gotten a standing ovation. (audience laughing) Oh, sure, laugh all you want. Even in Vegas I got 14 standing ovations. You might be thinking, “I had a good time tonight, but not like… not ‘standing ovation’ good time.” Everybody thinks that. Everybody thinks that and then sure enough, the show ends and everyone jumps to their feet and they’re yelling, “Tig!” We love you! “This is the best comedy show we’ve ever seen in our lives.” And I’m just like, “I’m just a person. Please be seated.” And they won’t. And that goes on for three minutes every single time. So I’m just giving you a heads up what’s to come. (Audience laughing) I love music. (Audience laughing) I’ve never detected a punch line there. Maybe I should listen more. (Man laughing loudly) Sounded like a cartoon character showed up. (Imitates laughing) I like your style, ha, ha, ha! That was funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I can barely take this, I’m laughing so hard. Ha, ha, ha! That’s all I wanted, to laugh. I do… I do love music and, um, I would constantly write down all the lyrics to every Beatles song. Like put the record on, take the needle off, and write the lyrics down, put the needle back on. Just every song. Obsessed. And my grandmother ended up having Alzheimer’s and she collected anything that we touched growing up. And towards the end of her life when I was an adult, she called me into her bedroom. And she pulled out this box and this paper. She said, “You wrote this for me “when you were little.” (audience laughing) And it was “When I’m 64.” And I had to sit there and take credit… for a Lennon and McCartney tune. I was like, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that one.” (chuckles) “You like that, huh?” If so, I have a huge catalogue of other… “Other songs I think you might like.” In sixth grade, I took a music class and, um, we were lectured about anywhere from The Who to Beethoven. We played instruments, we read books. And at the end of every session, the teacher would always ask if somebody had a favorite song they wanted to play. And I always brought in Beatles and Rolling Stones songs. And one day, the coolest kid in the entire school… His name was J.D… And he came…     (audience chuckles) Oh, that’s funny to you? That is a child’s name. A child that is 44 now, but it’s still a child’s name. What is your name? Chris. Chris. The coolest kid in the entire school… (audience laughing) …was named Chris. How does that feel? Doesn’t feel good, does it, Chris? No. J.D. came up to me after class and he said, “If I bring in” one of my dad’s Rolling Stones records, “will you tell me the coolest song on the album to play?” And I said, “Pfft…” No question.” The next day, J.D. brought in his dad’s Rolling Stones album “Let It Bleed.” And I looked it over… and I picked this song and said, “This is the coolest song on the album.” And it was “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” And he said, “Are you positive” that this is the best song, “the coolest song on the album?” I was like, “Man, I couldn’t be more positive.” And then the teacher asked if anyone had brought in their favorite song to play. And J.D. raised his hand and she called on him. And that’s when everybody in sixth grade heard the coolest kid in the entire school play this. ♪ I saw her today at the reception ♪ J.D. was like, “What the hell is this?” (audience laughing) And I was like, “No, no, it gets better.” ♪ I knew she would meet her connection ♪
 ♪ At her feet was a footloose man ♪
 ♪ No, you can’t always get what you want ♪
 ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪
 ♪ You can’t always get what you want ♪
 ♪ But if you try sometime ♪
 ♪ You’ll find ♪
 ♪ You can get what you need… ♪ And then the bell rang. (audience laughing) Boston, thank you so much. (audience cheering) You’re such a great audience. What? I told you. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. Touch me. I’m just a person. Please, be seated. Please, be seated. No, I’m just a person. Touch me. Thank you so much, really. Just two more minutes. Please, be seated. I’m just a person. I’m just a person. That person said, “I know, I know.” (audience laughs) What do you mean, “you know”? “I know.” Nobody’s shaking their fist. Boston. Settle down. I’m just a person. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Good night. (Music playing) (music ends)"
1686241363-16,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tom Segura: Mostly Stories (2016) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-mostly-stories-2016-full-transcript/,"[soft piano music plays] [Tom] I love being a stand-up comedian. It’s the best job in the world. And I love being an L.A. comic. Bam! Alfred the assassin. As a comic, what you’re supposed to do is live your life and report it. [woman] Anytime I do something nice for you, you shit on me! When is that?! I love the whole process. [woman] You have a little dick. Writing. Performing. Figuring out how to make a joke work. It’s the best. But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city. They always inspire me. [shouting] Hey! Tom Segura! Bite me in my ass, man! Aah! You have to do it! I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me. [speaks foreign language] Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man. [speaks foreign language] I just know there’s no stopping us. Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here? What’s up, fat boy? ‘Sup? Making a food show, bitch? No. You should. Bam! ‘Cause you fat as fuck! This fat motherfucker right here, man. You got pancake titties. You do! Fuck this city. I’m re-shooting this thing. Eat a dick, Paul Blart. This fat motherfucker, man. [man] Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura! [cheers and applause] [up-tempo music playing] [music continues] [Tom] What up? Thank you! Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. It’s great to be in Seattle. [crowd roars] Yes. One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart. All right, um… I hate who I’m becoming, socially. Like, all my social interactions, I’m disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth. Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now, like, ugh. I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport, I was like, “It rains a lot here, huh?” [laughter] And I swear, there’s another voice in my head going, “You’re a piece of shit for this conversation.” [laughter] What’s the guy supposed to say? He’s in the car and he’s like, “Yeah…” [laughter] “…it does. And you’re a real piece of shit for this, just so you know.” I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn’t. Like, “I’m from Southern California, we sure could use it.” [chuckles] [laughter] And he was like, “I’ll run us off the fucking road. I’ll kill us both, I swear to God I will.” God forbid I meet a tall person now, like— If you’re over six-four, there’s no way I’m not addressing it. I’m gonna be like, “Wow, you’re tall.” [laughter] “Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing? I have a friend that’s tall.” Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that’s tall. Like, what’s next? “My dad’s super strong? I bet he’s stronger than your dad.” [laughter]     Ugh. It’s better than my dad’s actual small talk, which is awkwardly racial small talk. It’s not racist, but it involves race. Um… Like, we’re at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she’s Asian. My dad will be like, “You Chinese?” [laughter] And she’s like, “No, I’m Korean.” “Oh, I was in Vietnam.” And I’m like… [laughter] “What are you doing?” “What? I was.” “I know. What does that have to do with anything?” Then he goes, “Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean.” – I’m like, “Oh, man.” [laughter] [whistles] Well… “Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we’re gonna wrap it up pretty quick.” Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay? ‘Cause, it’s gonna get weird. Like… Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad’ll be like… [laughter] I can see it in his eyes, like a clock’s ticking down. And I’m like, “How weird are you about to be with him?” He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you’re like, “Sit still.” And the dog’s like… [laughter] “I work with a black guy!” Ohh. Ohh. [laughter] Oh, man. “Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don’t know… Thought you knew each other. I don’t know. I don’t know him. He works in the building.” You’re like, “Fuck.” Jesus. Speaking of dads, I’m gonna be a dad. Isn’t that crazy? [crowd cheers] I know. Well… You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um… [laughter] That’s your kid. So… No, I’m gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff. [laughter] Just for a second. But… So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn’t pull out. And then… [laughter] Now I’m gonna be a dad. So nuts. Isn’t that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then… there’s life? That’s a pretty crude way of putting that. I’m sorry. But… that’s what happens. Let’s just talk about how good that feels. I… [laughter] Dude, I’ve been pulling out for years. And no comp— No orgasm— You don’t have an org— and you’re like, “Oh, that sucks.” Like, it’s still— It feels great. But when you leave it in? Dude. [laughter] Here’s all I’m saying. If you’re a pull-out guy, next time? Don’t. [laughter]     Even if she tells you to. Be like, “I forgot.” [laughter] And she’ll whine about it. [whines] “What if I’m pregnant? My career!” And you’ll be like, “Is law school on hold? All right. Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut.” [mixed laughter] Guys! I’m joking. I’m joking. [laughter] [crowd cheers] Joke. I’m not joking. But… [laughter] God, it feels so good! I can’t even— I can’t even describe how much better it feels. The best I’ve come up with is, remember when you were a kid, and the first time you tried something with melted cheese, and you were like, “What the fuck?” [laughter] “This is the same thing?” And they’re like, “Same shit.” And you’re like, “This is amazing! I can have this whenever I want?” “Mm-hm. Whenever you want. Just eight, ten seconds and it’s your world, man.” You’re like, “Oh, my God!” It’s like that, but down here. [laughter] Feels so good. Ohh. Here’s what a piece of shit I am. I… I have been fantasizing a lot about people asking me how I lost the weight that I haven’t lost yet. [laughter] And, like, I just have so many answers. Like, I really enjoy doing— In my head, I’m like, “Dude, it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle.” [laughter] “Just gotta make smarter choices, man. I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I’ve never felt better. I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it.” And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have— [imitates chewing sounds] [laughter] Like, “Well, next year I’ll probably be ready for this conversation.” Fucking asshole. I don’t even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy. I don’t. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again. [laughter] And know for sure that they’re fatter than me. ‘Cause, like, sometimes— Now I’m like anybody, I’ll be like, “Look at this fat fucking asshole.” And someone’ll be like, “You’re fatter.” And I’m like, “Oh. Really?” And they’re like, “By a lot!” [laughter] “You should want his body.” And I’m like, “Ah, fuck, man.” Since I’m gonna have a kid, I don’t want to be the fat dad. Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade? You’re like, “Hey, look at Billy’s fat fuckin’ dad.” [laughter] [chortles] “Fuckin’…” “Just fuckin’ batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy’s dad?” Just don’t want to be that guy. I got a trainer. They gave me a trainer. That’s a better way of saying that. I joined a gym, and they go, “Do you want a free training session?” I was like, “Okay. What does it normally cost?” And they’re like, “Like $900.” I was like, “Wow, that’s a great deal. That’s awesome.” [crowd chuckles] The first session is a bait session. It’s ridiculous. The guy’s like, “Stand up.” Like, “Okay.” He’s like, “Wow, you’re a very powerful athlete.” [laughter] “Were you pro before?” I’m like, “Okay, yes. I think I was.” He goes, “You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great.” I’m like… He’s like, “Want to do this all the time?” I’m like, “Yeah. Absolutely. This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot.” Second session, way different than the first session. Second session, I’m doing burpies. Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block. I’m running through sand pushing a sled. “And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?” [laughter] In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes “Stop!” And I said, “Thank you.” [laughter]     He goes, “Know why I told you to stop?” And I go, “Yeah, so you don’t have to give me CPR, I think.” [laughter] And he goes, “No. The Holy Spirit.” “What?” [laughter] And he goes, “The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop.” And I go… “What… did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?” And he goes, “Do you believe in Jesus Christ?” And I said, “Is He gonna make me do push-ups?” [laughter] And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like… really upset. He was like, “It’s not all jokes!” “I said one thing. I can’t say one thing? All right.” And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate. “Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back.” And the pier’s, like, three-quarters of a mile. And I go, “Nope.” [laughter] “Not doing that.” He’s like, “You’re quitting? You’re quitting on me?” And I go, “No, I’m not quitting, it’s just that… the Holy Spirit…” [laughter] “…it talks to me, too. And it said there’s no way I’m gonna make this run without throwing up and people laughing at me. So, I’m gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I’m out, man.” And I took off. I’m not doing that shit. I’m not making fun of you if you’re religious. I think that’s great. Any faith. Christian, Muslim, Jew, what— If you’re a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. But… [crowd cheers] Yeah. Because it’s not old. It’s gotta be old. [crowd chuckles] It’s fair to say there’s some times I don’t want to hear about it. You know? Like working out? Um… Getting high. That’s a bummer. Right? Like, when there’s pills and cash and tits out and… someone’s like, “Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?” And you’re like, “I’m trying to make bad decisions. Why are you doing this to me?” That and pre-sex. That is the worst. During sex, as-salamu alaykum. – Anything goes. But… [laughter] Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl’s like, “Oh! What if God’s watching us?” And you’re like, “What?!” [laughter] “‘What if God is watching us?’ Of course He’s watching us! He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!” [laughter] [crowd cheering] Yeah. “Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let’s give Him a show!” [laughter] [chuckles] [laughter] Digit play, it’s fun. Get into it. But… let’s be clear about this, guys. We’re not gonna agree on everything. Okay? But we should agree on this. If you bring a baby into a movie theater, you’re a piece of shit. [crowd cheering] Yup. If your reason for doing it is you couldn’t get a babysitter, well, then, you don’t get to go to the movies. That’s how that works. It happened to me in back-to-back movies, which statistically I did not think was possible. First movie, I’m in there five minutes. I’m watching the movie and I hear, “Waaah.” “What?” I turn, and in the row behind me there’s a mother, a father and a baby. Not a child, which I think is an important distinction. It’s a baby. I’m like, “All right, these people are insane. Um… I’ll just ignore this.” Turn back, 30 seconds later, “Waah.” I’m like, “Well, now I have to say something.” Now… I’m polite. So I turn and I go, “Excuse me, are you stabbing your baby right now?” [laughter] “‘Cause it sounds like it.” And the dad goes… [heavy accent] “No, I love the baby.” You picture him, okay? [laughter]     “I love him. Pero… no. It’s my baby.” And I said, “Well, could you? ‘Cause I’m trying to watch this movie.” [laughter] “And… your baby’s ruining it.” He’s like, “No, no puedo.” So… [laughter] I get up, I go to the lobby, I see the manager of the theater and I go, “Hey! There’s a fucking baby in there… being a baby right now.” And the manager goes, “Some people suck.” And he walked away. That is the best customer service line I’ve ever heard in my life. Hands down. [cheers and applause] You can’t even get mad! If you’re in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like, “Where the fuck is my food? I’ve been here half an hour!” And the manager’s like, “Some people suck.” Like, “Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn’t think about it. My bad. Sorry about that.” I left. I left. The next day, I go back to the movies. I should point out I saw a different movie. It was also a different baby. It’s not the same family standing out front and then they see me and they’re like, “Oh, there he is. Let’s go inside… and ruin this for him again.” This time I am way further into the movie. I’m emotionally invested in this movie. I like the movie. And then, out of nowhere, I hear, “Waah.” This time, I swear to you, I audibly go, “Nuh-uh.” [laughter] And now, other people get involved. You know when you can hear somebody’s age in their voice? Like, I can’t see shit. It’s a dark theater. I just hear a guy go, “Either make it quiet or get it out!” [laughter] That guy’s 140 years old! [laughter] Like, I could hear that he’d never hugged his children. I could hear it in his voice. [laughter] This time, the mother of the baby goes, “Shut up.” And I was like, “Oh shit!” Like… [laughter] “We have a situation.” And then a third person goes, “Shh.” [laughter] What are you doing? “Shush” is passive-aggressive. She said, “Shut up.” Just go straight to “fuck you!” What are you doing? But now… I wanted to be the hero and save the movie. I felt a tremendous sense of injustice. Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but… I didn’t realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it? Speak English words in a sentence. You know when you get real rage, like— [barks] – Like, just… [crowd chuckles] “Dude…” [barks] Like… [laughter] [growls] Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and— aah! So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went… “Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!” – Like none of it made sense. [laughter] Everybody’s like, “Who’s that fucking guy? What’s his problem?” I was… I was trying to say, “Let’s be civilized adults.” But instead I went “adult movie.” “Porn’s on now. Cover your baby’s eyes.” [laughter] The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up and I’m like, “Well, there’s the dad.” [laughter] Some of you got it. And… He looked around, like, “Who’s talking shit?” And I was like, “I’m talking shit, bitch.” I didn’t say it, but he knew what was up. But then… [laughter] I went out the exit immediately cause I’m not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left. [cheering] You guys, are you ever just tired of being alive? Know what I mean? Like… [crowd chuckles] I’m not suicidal. I just feel like I’ve done a lot and I’ve seen a lot. And now I’m like, – “Let’s wrap this shit up. Like…” [laughter] Right? Like, how many fucking days are there? [laughter] I want to skip a grade. Remember… elementary school, and you get to the first day of, whatever, third grade, and you’re like, “Where’s Brian?” They’re like, “He skipped.” “Excuse me? How?” They’re like, “He can add like a motherfucker. I don’t know. He just… Four, eight, twelve. He gets it.” [laughter] And then you go, “I want to skip.” And they’re like— [chuckling] “Don’t even think about that. Think about other shit.” I’d love to skip in real life. That would be the best program, if they were like, “If you kill it this year, you have the best year, at the end of the year, a magical fairy or government official will come to your house… and they go, ‘You crushed it this year.'” – And you’re like, “I know.” [crowd chuckles] Then they’re like, “Now you can skip as many years as you want.” I’d be like, “What the fuck?! Really?” “Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?” “Thirty?” Just land at retirement. I don’t wanna live much longer than that anyways. Seventy. Maybe 71. You know? Seventy so I can be “officially old” and experience old guy stuff, like people talking to me like I’m a pet, and, um… [laughter] You ever see that? When they’re like, “Hey, hey. How you doing? You’re so good. Would you like me to get you anything?” Like, “Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?” Like… [laughter] But I don’t want to live much longer than that. I mean, I hear people in conversation go, “I want to live to be a hundred.” Really? Have you seen 80? I mean, my dad has a friend that’s 87. He looks like a goblin. Okay? [laughter] He is terrifying to look at. And he knows it. He’s like, “I’m coming around the corner. Don’t look at me.” He knows it. [laughter] It’s scary. Here’s how much it sucks to be that old. When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication. And I go, “Why did you do that?” And he goes, “I don’t want to be here.” [laughter] If you see him now, you’re like, “How you doing?” “Unfortunately, alive.” [laughter] “But He won’t take me.” [laughter] The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff is that I will be the best old guy. I already know it. Like, I have their personality. I’m anti-social as shit. I don’t want to do anything. Like… whenever anybody says to me, “Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the—” I go, “No to the rest of your sentence. Whatever it is, I don’t want to do it.” I don’t want to meet new people. Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life. That’s the same as old people. Try it if you want. Be like, “Hey, Grandpa! I want you to meet Steve.” And he’ll go, “Fuck Steve.” [laughter] “I know everybody I need to know. Gonna watch my shows.” [blows raspberry] [laughter] Know what I really want? I want to be that old— I don’t know if it’s an age, it’s just a way of being old. There’s a certain level of old where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful. That looks awesome. Know what I mean? When an old guy’s like, “I’m gonna take out the trash.” And someone’s like, “Are you out of your fucking mind? Your spine’ll snap. Sit down!” – “Okay.” [laughter] “I tried. I’m sorry.” [laughter] That looks amazing. I really want that old guy confidence that I see… in the locker room. Yeah. That’s another thing. [laughter] Dude. Another thing I’ve noticed since joining the gym, there’s two types of guys: Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks. Because old guys… do not. It’s crazy! The first few days, I thought it was peacocking. Like showing off, you know? ‘Cause I saw some fucking hammers where you walk in and you’re like, “Whoa, yeah!” [laughter] “I wouldn’t wear pants either. Nice work, pal.” [laughter] But then, like the third day, I saw a guy, he had just like the cutest little thing. [laughter] And he was just like all on the— He was like, “Oil prices are crazy right now.” [laughter] I’m like, “Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don’t give a shit?” He didn’t. He didn’t care. I want that confidence. I don’t even know how it’s attainable. Like, if I know anyone’s gonna see it, I’m gonna… you know? [laughter] Give it a smack. [laughter] And then you go, “Huh. There’s an inch.” [laughter] Let’s not act like I’m the only self-fluff er in the room, okay? Dude. Ladies, if you’ve ever received a dick-pic before, um, here’s some secret intel: That’s not the first shot. [laughter] Pretty much goes like this: Click. – “Fuck that.” And then… – [laughter] “Oh, yeah, that’s me. That’s all me right there. That’s me.” God, sweating my fucking balls off. Like a preacher. Amen. All right. So… – [laughter] Ha! This is a very— I think this— Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot of good-looking girls in this town. Um… I noticed, stylistically, I feel like a lot of girls here have nose rings, and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it. Yeah. I like a girl with a nose ring. I think it says something. I think it says, – “I have other piercings, and…” [crowd chuckling] “…you can see them.” [laughter] “As soon as I get this hemp bra off.” But… [laughter] Eyebrow ring, that’s another level. That is a statement. And that statement is: “Fisting is my first base.” Like, those chicks are fuckin’ down. Am I right? [crowd cheering] Yeah. Oh, yeah. Some of you— No? I’m seeing disappointment in some people’s faces, for sure. Yeah. Some people are like, “Mm-mm.” [laughter] “Didn’t sign up for this shit. No, sir.” And the rest of you are like, “But… But, Tom! What about tongue rings? What about tongue rings, Tom?” What about them?! [laughter] Tools of the trade. Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush? [laughter] Who is Beethoven without his piano? That girl has a tongue ring ’cause her mouth is a homing device for cocks! [laughter] You leave her alone! Or just show her your dick. There’s a pretty good chance she’s gonna lap that shit up. Mm-mm-mm-mm. [laughter] Don’t get upset. It’s silly. It’s a silly joke. Look, I’m not a misogynistic pig. I think women should judge men equally and harshly. You know what never fails? Judge men based on what they drive. Ladies… if a guy picks you up in a minivan, he is telling you, “Why have sex when we can collect all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?” [laughter] Full-size van. Whoa. [laughter] That’s more like, “You wanna go out? Well, you’re coming.” [laughter] Kidnapping joke, yeah? Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda and it’s lowered, real low, low… to the ground… and there’s some cool blue lights underneath it, that says, “When we get to this restaurant, get whatever you want. My mom’s got this. Don’t worry about it. I got it. Yeah.” [laughter] “Yeah.” “Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!” Oh, man. I was in, uh, London… Canada. Um, they have one. [crowd chuckles] And… Doesn’t that kinda bother you? A little bit? When a barely city is like, “Let’s name it after an awesome city.” [laughter] [snickers] And they have the nerve to ask you, “How do you like London?” “The real one, or this turd you put in a dress? Because…” [laughter] Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee, to name their city Paris? And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower? Like you’re gonna walk around confused, like, “Well, bonjour! I don’t even know where I’m at!” [laughter, cheering] “Can I get me a ‘crassant?'” [chortles] [laughter] Fuck Paris, Tennessee. So, we’re leaving… London, Ontario, Canada— bothers me just to say it. And we’re headed back to Toronto, and we pass by a strip club named Beef. Now… [crowd chuckles]     Yeah, your hearing is working just fine. [laughter] There’s a strip club named Beef! I mean… can you even wrap your head around the confidence a young lady has to have just to audition at Beef? Just to be like, “I know they’re hiring at Diamonds, but I’m more of a Beef girl.” Like, that is… [laughter] It’s such an aggressive name, even for a casual conversation. To be like, “Oh, you strip?” “Where do you strip at?” “Beef.” [laughter] “Jesus.” [laughter] “What goes on there?” “Pretty intense shit, actually. We recommend you start your night at a different strip club and graduate to Beef. You start here, we’ll wreck your life.” Like, “All right. God.” Fuckin’ Beef is the name— Fart is a better name for a strip club. If somebody was like, “You wanna go to a strip club? It’s called Fart.” I’d be like, “No, I don’t want to go there.” “There’s another one called Beef.” “All right, let’s check out Fart.” [laughter] “See where that ends up.” I feel like… the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country is that there’s no surprises. I swear to you, I travel every week, and it’s really a disappointment. Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be. You know? I can prove it to you. Picture a place you’ve never been to in this country. Picture it. That’s exactly how it is. [laughter] What are the people like, you wonder? What do you think they’re like? That’s right. [laughter] It’s— I swear to you! Go to San Francisco. They’re like, “Ah, we’re offended.” And you’re like, “Yep.” [laughter] “I know.” Texas? I don’t think the people of Texas necessarily want to execute retarded people, but I think they’re like, “You know what? This is Texas. So… whoo!” [laughter] “That’s how we do it around here, brother. A little boot scoot boop! See you later, dumdum. All right.” [laughter] They’ve done it multiple times! They keep doing it. “I’m sowwy.” “Yeah, me too.” [laughter] Crazy. The Midwest? I mean, don’t you feel like we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like, “Do we need this?”  [laughter]  Except for wherever you’re from. That place is fucking awesome. The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities. That’s all they are. Just shady. Just fucking all those places. Jersey, Philly, Balti— they’re all… [chortles] [laughter] “How you doing?” “Not now, thank you very much.” [laughter] “Can I help you with something?” “Nope. Never in my life.” The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though, you could be in an argument with them and be like, “You’re a fucking asshole.” And they’re like, “Thank you.”  [laughter]  “My dad’s an asshole, and so am I. It’s kind of a thing.” Then what? You head, uh… you head on down south. [chuckles] [laughter] [Southern accent] Where “God don’t make no junk.” [snickers] That’s a real expression, by the way: “God don’t make no junk.” They say it a lot. I lived there for a while. They say it to people who are complaining about their own situation. So essentially, it’s a pick-me-up. Right? Like, some lady might go, “I ain’t purty!” [laughter] “And I ain’t no good.”  [crowd chuckling]  “No one’s ever gonna love me.” [moans] And someone’ll go, “Don’t you talk that mess.” [crowd chuckles] “Don’t you say that, Sally— Billy Bob— Sandra. Don’t you say that.” [laughter] “God don’t make no junk.” I always want to interrupt and be like, “I’d like to politely disagree!” [laughter] “I think He was nodding off when He made you.” [laughter] “While your sunken eyes and protruding underbite are charming…” [laughter] “…that map of white trash is not sending a lot of lead to the pencil. You’re right! You’re gonna die alone, bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer.”  [laughter, cheers]  “You big box of stupid.” [laughter] Here’s great travel advice, okay? Do not take the red-eye. If you don’t know what that is, it’s amazing that you made it this far in life. It’s when you fly overnight from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone. Some people love that flight. And those people are sociopaths. Because… here’s why. [laughter] You land and your body’s like, “Well, it’s 3:30 in the morning. I guess we’re going to sleep.” And then the world goes… “Uh… nope!” [laughter] “6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff.” And then you cry for days. Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife. We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes, “We’re not sitting next to each other.” And I go, “Okay.” [laughter] I don’t know. She goes, “You don’t wanna switch seats?” And I go, “Not really.” [laughter] And she goes, “Why not?” I said, “‘Cause we don’t have to.” She goes, “What does that mean?” I said, “Well, there’s only two people that have to sit next to each other, and they’re up front.” [laughter, applause] “We can sit anywhere.” She goes, “You’re gonna ask people to move.” And I was like, “Great. Should be a real treat.” That’s always fun, right? “You all settled in? Want to stand the fuck up now?” Great. [laughter] So… we’re both window seats. We need an aisle to move. So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old. I don’t know how old, but it doesn’t look good. He’s… he’s drooling… [grunts] …he’s got rubber where there used to be bones— Put it this way: – It’s his last flight. All right? So… [laughter] After this one, no más. [crowd chuckles] So I go, “Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that…” [laughter] “…you could move so I can sit next to my wife?” And he goes, “Move?” “Mm-hmm.” He goes, “You move.” – “Yep.” [crowd chuckles] “I’ll move here, and then you move there.” And he goes, “You can’t see a meniscus… [gibberish] …I won’t be able to stretch out as much. [mumbling] I can’t stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access and stretch it out there so it’s built up more. It’ll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there.” And I go, “Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?” [laughter] “Jesus, just say no! And I hope you lose your leg.” And then I turned around. Well, he was a dick. He was. Was he old? Yes. Was he disabled? Severely. [laughter] Disabled people have to earn their cool points just like the rest of us. I’m so exhausted of the idea that everybody with a disability is automatically an angel on earth. They’re not. They’re people, and you should treat them like people. But you don’t. You patronize the shit out of them. Yeah. – I know you do. – [applause] Of course. There’s so many uncomfortably silent guilty faces in here right now. [laughter] Yeah. You know when you’re at work and fucking Sam rolls up? [laughter] It’s always Sam. You don’t go, “Hey, Sam.” You go, “Hai, Sahm.” [laughter] And he’s like, “Hi.” And you go, “How was your weekend?” [laughter] He’s like, “It was good.” “Well, that’s good!” And he’s like, “You know I’m not retarded right? I just can’t stand up. You’re a fucking asshole.” [crowd laughs, cheers]
 Some of them are cool. Some of them are dicks. I was walking into a building not two weeks ago. I open the door. Ten steps back, I notice a guy’s coming up with no arms. You know what I do? I hold the door. And when he gets up, he goes, “I don’t need you to do that shit.” And I go… [laughter] – “All right.” [cheering] “Okay, Stumpy. Um… let’s watch you bite that handle for an hour. – That’ll be a fun fucking show.” [laughter] Fuck that guy. Absolutely fuck him. So… Midnight on this flight, the lights come on, and that’s too early, right? That’s too early for the red-eye. I panic. I think we’re dying. So… I see the attendant, I go, “Hey, what the fuck’s happening?” She goes, “There’s a medical emergency in the back. Are you a doctor?” And I go, “Look at me.” [laughter] “You think I’m a doctor?” And she goes, “Are any of you?” And we go, “No.” I said, “I think we just established that none of us are doctors. How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?” [laughter] And she goes, “Well, he needs help.” And I go, “Well, we’re not doctors. We could stand around him for a while, If you think that’ll help.” “Yeah, he’s fucked up.” [laughter] “Huh? Comedian.” [laughter] “Mostly stories. Hang in there.” I don’t fucking know. So… half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, “What are we doing?” And she goes, “I think we’re gonna divert.” And I go, “Divert? Does that mean we’re gonna dump fuel?” Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question? [laughter] Like, she went to answer, and then she went, “Huh.” [laughter] Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted… [laughter] …and she goes, “Divert doesn’t mean dump fuel, you dumb shit.” And I was like, “I know, I was just playing. Gah.” [laughter] She said, “We’re gonna land at the nearest airport. We’ll get him off and we’ll get him help. Then we’ll continue.” And I go, “You gotta be shitting me.” And she goes, “No.” And I said, “Well, what if he’s dead?” And she goes, “What?” – And I go, “If he’s dead…” [laughter] “…we’re not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right? We’re gonna keep going.” And she goes, “I guess so.” [laughter] And I said, “Well, in that case, I am a doctor.” [laughter] “And I’m gonna need a pillow. Stat.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane. [laughter] It was the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. Um… Bikes! I get, like… verbal tics, you know? I don’t have Tourette’s. I wish I did. It looks fun. But… I’ll just yell shit. It’s like a hook on a catchy song, except it’s just stuff that I watch, and then… “Bikes!” I just yell it, you know. Over and over. Only like two or three million times. But… I’m obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um… If you’ve never seen it, it’s tremendous. Here’s what they do. In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day. And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid, and then he’ll get his life together. Hence, Scared Straight. It’s tremendous. I’m obsessed with one episode. – It aired once.  [crowd chuckles]  In 1999. Here’s what’s great. It aired uncensored, which is bananas. And… in this episode they did not send the kids to jail, like they normally do. Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary. [crowd chuckles] Prison. And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids into crying a lot. [laughter] And it’s the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life. First of all, don’t feel, like, too bad for— these kids are super badass. They’re not like, spitting spitballs in class and— They’re fucking stabbing other kids. They’re badass kids. Okay? And they show up to this thing with attitude. They walk in, they’re like, “What’s up? I run sixth grade. – I ain’t scared of you, man. Like…”  [laughter]  “You can’t scare me.” And they’re greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris. Chris has scars on his face, and the screen freezes. And it says, “Chris killed six people, and he’s doing a double life sentence.” Like, this dude is so bad that when he dies and he’s reincarnated, that guy is doing life in prison also.  [laughter]  So this is a bad motherfucker right here. The kids are like squatting around, and Chris is like, “Hey. My name’s Crazy Chris. And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares.” And the kids are like, “What the fuck?” Like… “I’m 12. Don’t talk to me like that. Man, that’s crazy.” And he goes, “If I ever see you again, I’ll take a bite out of each of you.” And they’re like, “All right. We’re reformed now. Thank you very much.” Jesus. But they can’t leave. The next guy comes up to them and he goes, “Hold mah pocket! – Hold mah pocket!”  [crowd chuckles]  And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket. You understand? So he walks, and then they’re like— [nervous chuckle] I don’t know what you know about prison, but if you’re holding onto another dude’s pocket, – it’s gonna be a rough day. All right?  [laughter]  Not only is this guy making kids hold his— he’s talking ridiculous shit to middle schoolers. He’s like, “I’mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!” [laughter] “Every mornin’.” And the kids are like… [groaning] [laughter] “I hate breakfast! Ugh!” [laughter] Funny shit like that. So… [chortles] He’s like, “I’mma mush your motherfucking face!” And the kid’s like— [whimpering] It’s so fucking funny. Ah… [crowd chuckling] There’s one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line. The kid’s, like, 13. He weighs, I don’t know, a hundred pounds? And he has a bowl cut. Okay? He has a bowl cut. [laughter] In prison. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It’s parted in the middle. The prisoner goes, “Why you here?” And the kid’s like… “Ugh. Stealing.” And he goes, “The fuck you took?” [laughter] And the kids goes, “B… Bikes.” And he goes, “Bikes!” And that’s why I yell “bikes” all the time.      [laughter]  [cheers and applause]  You should see me when we drive by a bike store. – Holy shit.  [laughter]  I’ll be driving. I’ll be like, “Ahh…” And my wife, she’s pretty over it. Um…  [laughter]  She’ll go, like, “You get one.” I’m like, “All right, I’m gonna make this shit count.” So, I’ll pull over, roll down the window, and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays, like with all the bikes out there, and when they find one they like and they’re like, “I like this one,” I’ll go, “Bikes!” And they’re like, “What the fuck?!” And I go, “Stop selling drugs!” And I drive off. [laughter] That’s right. [cheers and applause] Super fun. You should do it. Ah, man. So, my wife is the coolest, actually. She’s the best. And, uh, she— we’ve been together ten years. And women will actually ask me, sometimes, they’ll be like, “Ten years? That’s a pretty good run. What’s the secret? Is there a secret?” And I want to tell you that there is. And ladies, the key to your man’s heart is through his… taint. Now, if you don’t know, the taint is that little strip of land between a man’s balls and his butthole. [cheers and applause] Also known as the Devil’s Driveway. – Now… [laughter] …some of you are like, “I don’t want to go there. That sounds scary.” Well, yeah. [laughter] Your man’s perineum, that’s like the Incan ruins of his body. And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way. [laughter] But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious. Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay? Um, welcome to Area 51. Yeah. I never want to hear another woman complain, “I can’t get a guy to call me back.” Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode, and you will have to shut down a cell tower because that man is gonna harass you. All right? [laughter, applause] [cheering] Yeah. After you make him shiver. [laughter] Don’t be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time. You’ll send him to the emergency room. But… Ease into it. One, two, three. He’ll be like, all right! [laughter] [sighs] I’m not piling on you for not doing enough, if you’re a woman. Guys are the worst. Absolutely. Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing, it’s always the same stupid shit. They’ll be like, “You know, like, I liked her, but she’s not slutty. She didn’t do anything slutty.” I’m like, “Huh. You tell her what you like?” “Unh-unh.” I’m like, “Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck.” [laughter] “You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she’ll do it. Gotta tell her, ‘Put on a clown suit and peg me.’ Or whatever you like.” [laughter] I’ll tell you my favorite. I don’t give a shit. I love the medical genre. That is my favorite. I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor’s office. He’s like, “Oh, my back hurts.” The nurse is like, “That’s ’cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here.” [laughter] I love that. I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs. [laughter, cheers] Everybody likes it. Don’t act like— whenever you— If you’re a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like… “Maybe she’ll suck it.” Like that. Like, you always… Even if you see a nurse walking around, you’re like, “Hey. What? No, I didn’t say anything. I was just…” [laughter] “Do you? Okay, no, you don’t? Okay. No, I feel fine. Thank you.” It’s the best. I love— I love, though, on the medical pornos, those scenes, they always end with letting you know how he’s doing medically. Like the guy goes, “Uhhh. My back feels better.” You’re like, “Oh, wow.” [laughter] “We were all worried about your third lumbar. So, that’s good.” Crazy, and I swear, this is true, as much as I love that shit, I have never in my life seen a smaller version of my own dick than when I’m in the doctor’s office. Like, it gets so small, and it leans to the left. So my dick is like, “What did you say?” [laughter] “Hmm? Should I be here, Dad?” You ever yell at it? You’re like, “What the fuck?! Monday we were hitting thigh, and today you’re like, – ‘I want to stay in bed and read. So…'” [laughter] “‘You go out. I’m gonna draw a bath. Bye.'” And you’ll be like, “You stupid little dick!” They have porno suggestions. Isn’t that weird too? Like you watch a scene, It’s like, “You might also like…” And you’re like, “What?” And then its like some weird sh— It’s like, “Sis is mad at her brother for not leaving, so she blows him.” And you’re like, “Ugh! Gross. All right, I’m gonna see what it looks like.” They’re not really related. That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis, like any fucking people on the planet do that. The girl’s like, “Bro! My friends are coming over. Get outta here.” He’s like, “No way, Sis. Not leaving.” “Come on! What’ll it take?” “Boop. Right there. That’s what it’ll take.” “Okay.” And you’re like, “All right. It’s not a good premise, but I’ll watch it.” [laughter] [sighs] Let me ask you this. If you’re white, aren’t you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice? – Like, doesn’t part of you… [man] Yeah! [blows raspberry] [laughter] Yeah, yeah. No, that’s good. So… [laughter] People are like, “What the fuck?” No! That’s what I’m saying! Like… Don’t you kinda want to tell, like, the other people, “Why doesn’t your group get their shit together, and then you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people.” [mixed laughter] Not as many claps on that one. Well, uh… [laughter, applause] Oops. [crowd chuckles] Here’s all I’m saying. Okay? Every race is racist. Okay? We’re the best at it, but every race is racist. Who’s super racist? Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are… You’re nodding. Like, “You know goddamn right I am. Of course.” You don’t know about it? There’s a hierarchy to the whole thing. Here’s how it works. Japanese, they’re number one, which is weird ’cause their genitals are blurry. – But they’re number one. Right? – [laughter] Then…  [crowd cheering]  Chinese and Koreans are right there. And everybody else who’s, like, tan, like… [laughter] Vietnamese and Filipino, they’re like— [spits] “Fuck you!” [laughter] True or not? Yeah. Don’t you feel better about everything right now? Like… What’s your ethnic background? You’re Chinese? That’s number two. That’s almost at the top. That’s great. That’s gotta feel good, right? Who did you, like— Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up? Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household, or are you one of those, “That’s cute, lets get one of those”?  [laughter]  ‘Cause that’s a legit question. Asian? So who’d your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially? – Be honest. Huh? – [man] Japanese. – Japanese! Fuckin’… All right, so… – [laughter] Do you hate Japanese people? No? They fucking hate you. A lot. [laughter] You know they do. Uh… What do your parents say about them? What’s the shit that they talk? [man] They wanted me to marry one. They wanted you to marry one? [man continues indistinctly] They wanted her to do whatever you want. – Are your parents Saudi or…?  [laughter]  Can I get this fucking straight for a second? Your parents were like, “We want our beautiful Chinese boy to marry a Japanese girl so that ‘she’ll do whatever you want'”? – Meaning they’re submissive? – [man] Yes. Yeah. All right. So who’s this fucking lady sitting next to you? What’s she all about? Hey! Don’t fucking answer. It’s his world. – What is— What is, uh… – [roaring laughter] Ask him if you can answer. [laughter] She’s Chinese? Damn! [laughter] Do you know— [laughs] Do you know how I found out about Asian racism? This is how I found out about it. I had no idea. I’m shooting a commercial in L.A., and they fly in a Japanese director, okay? – Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So…  [laughter]  Yeah. So I was like, “Do you have indigestion?” He was, “Uhh. No.” We’re shooting the commercial, and between takes, there’s a Filipino production assistant. So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away. And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director give him a very dismissive look, like… And I go, “Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?” I go, “You don’t like him?” And he goes… And I go, “Why not?” And he goes… [laughter] Did you catch it? It was really fast. [laughter] He basically said, “I don’t like him ’cause I don’t like his skin color.” And he did it with this little gesture. And I was like, “Holy shit! That’s fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?” You don’t have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit. Just make a little thing and move it along. Like… [laughter] Don’t act like you’re not gonna use that five fucking times this week. [applause] When you’re in your favorite restaurant and “they” come in, you’re like… [laughter] “Let’s take it to go. Thanks a lot.” [laughter] Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs. Um… I’m assuming you do. I don’t fucking know. You’re here. Maybe you robbed somebody. But… I was just thinking about how long it’s been since I’ve had a job, and how I absolutely could not get one right now. If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they’d be like, “What’s with this 13-year gap on here, man?” And I’d be like, “What’s with all the questions, dude? Chill out.” I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job where no one knows what the fuck I’m talking about, so I could just make shit up. Because… There’s a few of those. Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation. Um… Arson means fire, by the way. I’m seeing a lot of blank faces. And… [laughter] You can see them online. Like, a guy comes out to a podium, and there’s a mic and there’s news people around. There’s a burned down building behind, and he’s just like— “Hey. That shit burned down.” [laughter] “Could you tell us a little more?” He’s like, “What?” Totally aggravated. “What do you wanna know?” “How did it start?” “It was a match.” And they go, “How do you know?” “We found it.” “It.” Like it’s one. There’s other matches and he’s like, “Mm-mmm.” “This one.” They go, “How do you know that’s the match?” “Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn’t understand.” Thing is, man, I miss zero part of having a day job. That’s the truth. I miss zero part. The only part I still miss is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there. That’s the fucking best. It is! I remember. Going to work sucks. That’s universal. I mean, shit! Most of you will have it on Monday. Fuckin’— the alarm goes off, and you go, “Motherfucker!” [laughter] “Today’s gonna suck!” [laughter] “But I’m gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there.” And then that… raises your spirit right? You think about that in the shower. “I’m gonna ruin Amanda’s day today.” [laughter] “This is for you, Amanda. Aahh.” The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that. You shouldn’t feel badly for enjoying gossip. It’s 100 percent normal and natural to because it’s definitely an extension of childhood. Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now, for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay? You don’t know shit about editing information, enhancing things, keeping people’s interest. You don’t have to have a kid to know about this. Talk to any kid. A friends kid. A niece, a nephew. It’s when you go to a kid, you go like, “Hey, were you outside?” And they go, “Yeah!” And you’re like, “Why don’t you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?” And then you ask one question, like, “How was that?” And they go, “I have— When— When Jeanette came by, she— she didn’t— she brought the yellow cup that— she didn’t want to kick the ball back, but I said, can— ‘Cause Brian’s cup is red, that if you— if you— if you don’t have it now, then you don’t have to bring the blue— ‘Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her. I said, ‘If you don’t have it, you can— you can use mine now, but then… then next it’s my turn.'” You go, “That was a great fucking story. Thank you.” [laughter, applause] Je-sus! [laughter] And then kids accidentally tell their first good story. They don’t mean to, it’s an accident. That’s why it leaves an impact. ‘Cause you go, “Were you at the park?” And they go, “Yeah.” And you go, “How was that?” And they go, “I saw Uncle Jeff, and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn’t Aunt Maria.” And you’re like, “What?” [laughter] And the kid’s like, “Shit, I’ve never seen that fucking face before!” And you’re like, “That’s a good story. Go find more stories like that.” [laughter] That’s burned into your psyche. That’s why you go to work, you see your coworker, you’re like, “Hey, I got some juice.” And they’re like, “Is it gonna negatively impact somebody’s life?” [chortles] “Yeah.” And they’re like, “Fucking hook that shit up!” [cheers and applause] I’ve spread so many fucking rumors. My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit. Somebody says something once and you’re like, “Cool, I’ll roll with that forever. Thanks, man.” “Are you gonna fact check that?” “Why? You said it out loud. I don’t have to check anything out. It’s now a fact. So, whatever.” It’s a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows? I remember years ago, I’m watching a movie with my dad. In the middle of the movie, the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears onscreen. Great actor. Oscar winner. Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes, “Did you know he was gay?” And I was like, “No.” “Yeah.” [laughter] Now, it doesn’t matter, and I don’t care. But I decided I would tell everyone I ever met for the rest of my life that Tommy Lee Jones is gay. I told a lot of people. Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men. – I told everybody. [laughter] Until one day I told somebody and he goes, “No, he isn’t.” And I was like, “Yeah, he is.” And he goes, “How do you know that?” And I said, “My dad told me.” [laughter] “What? Your dad fuck him or something?” [laughter] I was like, “I don’t think so.” Then he goes, “I’ve known him 40 years. I know his wife and kids. I knew him when he was single. He is not gay.” And I go, “What is happening right now?” [laughter] And I called my dad immediately. And I was like, “Dad! I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn’t gay.” And my dad goes, “Oh, I thought he was.” [laughter] “Is that the end of your investigation? Are you fucking serious? Why did you tell me that?” He goes, “I don’t know.” I said, “Did somebody tell you?” He goes, “I can’t remember.” I said, “Have you been telling everybody for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?” And he goes, “Yep.” I go, “Don’t you think we should stop?” He goes, “Now we should.” [laughter] Just made that shit up. This is not made-up. I’ll tell you this, man. [sighs] Not too long ago, I met former heavyweight champion of the world Iron Mike Tyson. And… [cheers and applause] It completely changed my perspective on a famous person, ’cause I thought I knew famous people. Friends of mine on TV and movies, they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson. Think about how— he is famous the way an ex-president is famous, in that he can’t go anywhere in the world without everyone knowing who he is. You can take him to the Philippines, you can take him to Siberia, you can take him to Namibia and people would be like, [smacking] “Mike Tyson.” Everybody knows Mike Tyson. That’s a perfect impression, by the way. So… we’re on an afternoon flight from L.A. to Pittsburgh. He is sitting across the aisle one row back. He’s right there. It takes an extra hour to board the flight. Why? Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they’re like, “Get the fuck out of here.” And they shit their pants. And he’s super nice. He shakes everyone’s hand. Flight attendants are telling people, “Go to your seat.” And they’re like, “Nope.” [laughter] “Talking to him.” “We’re not asking you, we’re telling you.” “I don’t give a shit. I’m not going anywhere.” It takes forever. We leave late. I don’t say anything. About half an hour’s left in the flight, and then I tell myself, “You have to say something. You’re never going to run into him again.” So I get up, walk over to his seat and I go, “I’m sorry to bother you. I grew up watching all of your fights, and I’m a big fan.” And he goes, “Thank you.” [laughter] I said, “I’m just curious, why are you going to Pittsburgh?” He goes, “I’m promoting a fight. What about you?” I said, “I’m a comedian. I’m going to do shows.” And he goes— [giggles] “You’re a comedian?” I go, “Yeah.” He said, “Where’s your show?” I said “It’s a comedy club called the Pittsburgh Improv.” And he goes, “Where’s that?” – And I go, “I have no fucking idea.” [laughter] And he goes, “Is your show tonight?” And I go, “No. It’s eleven o’clock at night and we’re on a plane.” [laughter] “We’re in the sky right now, Mike.” He goes, “Well, when’s your show?” And I go, “Tomorrow.” And he goes, “Where?” And I go, “Still at the Pittsburgh Improv.” He goes, “How do I find it?” I go, “I don’t fucking know. Google it.” Then it hits me, like, two seconds later how batshit crazy it is of me to tell him to like, Google it. – You know? Like… – [laughter] “You figure it out, fuckface!” [laughter] Am I out of my mind? So… I grab a DVD out of my bag, I give it to him. I go, “It has my name on it, just type it in. It’ll show you where I’m at.” He goes, “Thank you.” I go, “That’s cool. I met Tyson.” Ten seconds later, I’m sitting in my seat and I hear, “Tom?” [laughter] “Yes, Mike Tyson?” He goes, “Were you on television recently?” And I go, “Mm-mmm.” He goes, “Are you sure?” And I go, “Yeah, I think so.” And he goes, “Nothing?” And I go, “I mean, I’m on Netflix.” And he goes, “I fucking love Netflix.” [laughter] “Okay.” He goes, “What’s your favorite show on Netflix, Tom?” I go, “Are we really doing this right now? Like, shouting across the aisle?” “I like House of Cards, man!” Like… [laughter] It feels crazy, okay? So, I’m super nervous. I don’t know what to say— I’m like, “I don’t know. I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix.” And he goes, “My wife likes Breaking Bad.” But he said it like, “You like shit my wife likes.” And I was like, “Ugh.” Then his eyes light up like saucers, and he’s like, “Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?” And I know it’s a great show. There’s a lot of great shows. I can’t see every show. I’ve never seen it. Do you ever lie? Like a child to an adult? ‘Cause you think they’ll like you more if you like the same thing? Well, I saw that face and I go, “It’s my favorite show of all time.” [laughter] And he’s like, “It’s the shit!” And I was like, “Oh, I know. That one episode? That’s my favorite.” And then he gives me a fist bump across the aisle, right? Is this not registering to you? I get a Mike Tyson fist bump. [crowd cheers] Yeah. I can feel his powers transferring from his hand into mine. I’m like, “Oh, shit.” That’s crazy, right? I’m so happy. And then a few seconds later, I feel a bear paw on my shoulder. And I turn, and Tyson is standing above me. – I’m like, “Jesus Christ!” – [laughter] Immediately he leans down and he whispers in my ear so nobody else can hear, and he goes, “I’ve been watching a lot of Netflix.” – That’s it. That’s all he said. [laughter] Dude, I never thought that sentence could be terrifying. [laughter] And now he’s just looking at me like, “Now you say something, bitch.” Ya know? I was like, “I never turn it off. It’s the best.” I don’t know what to say. He goes, “Now I recognize you.” And I go, “What?” And he holds up the DVD. And I go, “I just gave that to you.” And he goes, “It’s the same picture that’s on Netflix.” And I go, “Oh, yeah. That’s the same picture.” He goes, “I know who you are.” I go, “That’s crazy.” And he goes, “Give me your phone number.” And I go, “What?!” I give him my number, we land. I fucking run off the plane. Okay? It’s like… too much weird shit for one day. The next day, I’m sitting in my hotel room, and I get a text message from Mike Tyson. [cheers and applause] You know what it says? – “Where’s your show?” [laughter] And I go, “The Pittsburgh Improv.” “Where’s that?” I fucking Google it. [laughter] I send it to him, and the phone rings. “Hey, Tom.” And I go, “‘Sup, Champ?” [cheers and applause] He goes, “We’re coming to your show tonight, brother.” And I go, “That’s fucking crazy!” He goes, “Yeah, we wanna watch you do your work.” And I go, “Well, I’m honored.” And he goes, “It’s all love.” [laughter] I know what he’s saying. I know the expression. And I just want to reciprocate, but I— I don’t know what to do. And I’m super nervous, and I just go, “I love you.” [laughter] And he goes, “Mmm, good luck at your show.” And he hangs up the phone. Seattle, you’re the best. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. [cheers and applause] Appreciate it. Thank you. [up-tempo music playing]"
1686241611-79,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Richard Pryor: Live And Smokin’ (1971) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-live-and-smokin-1971-full-transcript/,"Richard Pryor: Live & Smokin’ is the first stand-up act of Richard Pryor to be filmed out of the four that were released in total. This film was filmed in 1971 but not released until 1985, on VHS. This was the first stand-up act that Pryor did before he hit the mainstream audience. With only 48 minutes of footage, it is the shortest of Pryor’s stand-up routines. Filmed at the New York Improvisation on April 29, 1971 I’m very happy to be on film, and a motherfucking live audience. I’m really nervous, ’cause l ain’t had no cocaine all day. Love cocaine. I don’t know what I’m going to talk about, but I have a list. No, it’s exciting. I’m very excited and stuff, I’m glad y’all didn’t move, a lot of y’all. But I imagine a lot of y’all will be leaving during my shit, but that’s cool, too. ‘Cause that shit’ll be in the film. And, I’d like to… I hope I’m funny and shit, you know, ’cause, you know, just to be a n i g g e r standing up here and just be sayin’ nothing… ain’t shit. But, I hope my shit is funny. And I like to. I always wanted to do that, man. No, white dudes used to do that in gym class after they take a shower. They come out of the shower and be going, “Hi, Dick. Can you do that?” “No, but I will tomorrow, motherfucker.” You gotta process and shit, you know. Be Puerto Rican. You can be Puerto Rican with a process in the Midwest. Puerto Ricans was famous. Not like in New York. No, ’cause they got a lot of Puerto Ricans in New York, but in the Midwest they don’t have many Puerto Ricans. They have, like three, in the whole Midwest. I was one of ’em. I was jivin’. But I had my shit together, man. Got some pussy too. Only thing that gave me up when I was coming, “Oh, shit!” “That’s not Puerto Rican.” I always wanted to be something. I never wanted to be white. Hope not out of line. No, I always wanted to be something different, you know, than a n i g g e r, ’cause n i g g e rs have it so rough. I tried to be, you know, a black cat with neat hair. I thought that was the problem, the hair. I said, if my hair was straight, then whitey’d dig me. So I got a process. Wrong. I lived in a neighborhood with a lot of whorehouses. Ah, not many candy stores or banks. Liquors stores and whorehouses. You know, n i g g e rs love to drink. They say. No I went through, like, white neighborhoods, you have banks and shit. You have to go four miles to get some liquor. N i g g e rs can get liquor, just walk outta the house, “Oh, this a liquor store. Eh, OK.”
 And I remember tricks used to come through our neighborhood, that’s where I first met white people. They come down through our neighborhood to help the economy. Nice white dudes, though. ‘Cause I could have been a bigot. You know what I mean? I could have been prejudice. I, I could have been prejudice. I could’ve been, man, but I met nice white men, “Hello, little boy. Is your mother home? I’d like a blowjob.” I wonder what would happen if n i g g e rs go through white neighborhoods and doin’ that. “Hey, man, is your mama home? Tell the bitch we wanna fuck.” “Ah, I’ll see. She says you have to come back after lunch.” I got get my belt. I gotta be cool when you be on film. N i g g a gotta have belt in loop. Above suspicion. Is my make-up looking OK? I think it’s very exciting. I don’t know about you all but I like being on film. I always wanted to be in the movies myself. Like Johnny Mack Brown. Y’all don’t remember Johnny Mack Brown? You ever saw Lasch LaRue? Dude was cool for a f a g g o t. Fuzzy Cool Jones was his main man. It was exciting. I saw them at a state fair in Springfield, lllinois, that’s why they… Why you lookin’ at my dick, man? Oh, you’re not… ah you’re certainly not looking that long. I mean its not true what they say about colored guys. People believe that. “You colored guys really have big ones, don’t you?” “Yea, wanna see, it’s…” I’d expose myself but too many white ladies in the audience. They’d be goin’, “I thought colored guys were built better than that.” I always wanted to get some ’cause I like watchin’ the tricks getting’ pussy, right. I use to peek through, like, the keyhole. You can’t peek through a keyhole, right, ’cause your head keep hittin’ the door. Ya have to look over the transom and shit, right. And the tricks would be fuckin’, right. They be “Oh, oh, gosh, golly ma’am, it’s really good, it’s really good.” And the whores be going, “Ah-h, shit baby. Ah-h, god damn that. Ah-h, shit. Yea, honey, ain’t no white man ever fuck me like you, baby. Ah, goddamn.” It was weird. I remember white dudes used to come down, “Do you have any girls here that cover you with ice cream?” “And little boys that lick it off?” He was the mayor. I lived in what you call, the ghetto, as Elvis Presley “In the ghetto. I may look white but wait till tonight, I’m a n i g g e r.” But I grew up, ah, I learned about white folks. ‘Cause I use to eat with a white friend of mine, Dickey Lemon, had a white friend. White folks eat quiet. I learned that. No, they do. “Pass the potatoes, darling.” “Thank you, dear.” “My, that smells scrumptious.” “Here you go, young fellow. And how are you doing in those grades, Dickey? Well, you must keep your marks up, you know. By gummy.” “Are we having sexual intercourse this evening, darling? I was hoping I could insert my penis into your vagina. Well I can’t? What the heck.”
 N i g g e rs made noise when they ate. My daddy, man, he pitched a bitch, “Say bitch, where the food? Well goddamn, I’m-a come on. Shit. What, you wash your hands, boy? Yea, the n i g g e r’s hands wash, mamma. Shit. We’re ready t’eat. Damn. I’ll git. All you motherfuck. Goddamn. Goddamn. Shit, ya pass shit n i g g e r go for yourself. Motherfucker. Motherfuckin’ shit.” My daddy suckin’ a bowl and shit, “Oh, goddamn, n i g g e r you better get that meat outta there, motherfucker. Look-it, look-it, there’s some meat in there, n i g g e r. Shit. Look down in there, boy. Look-it there. Mother. Shit. You can throw shit away, n i g g e r, shit, better eat with your white friends.” It was exciting. HA-HA-HA. It was, though. It was exciting. I’m glad I’m black, ’cause, I’d hate to be white, ’cause y’all got to go to the moon. Ain’t no n i g g e rs going to the moon, you know that. First of all, ain’t no n i g g e rs qualified, so y’all tell us. So we ain’t go to be worried about that. N i g g e rs was hip, they’d help y’all get to the moon. “Hey, man, let’s organize and help them white motherfuckers get to the moon so they’ll leave us alone…”
 But I don’t hate white folks. No-siree-bob. One of my great-great grandparents was white. I’m sure of it. ‘Cause I know I didn’t look like this when I came from Africa. You know what I mean? I’m afraid you do. But I like white women. That’s my only… I have a white women disease. I could be a revolutionary. But I like white women with big titties. You know, ’cause they have titties that have skin when you rip their clothes off, “Bitch!” Rip. You know, and their titties pop out. And they come so loud. That’s great. “A colored man, what have I done?” And you can do your black shit, “This is for the Congo.” Then, ah. Fuckin’ was always the thing, you remember that? You could never get no pussy in the 50’s, ’cause all the girls had the disease call “the virgin.” “I’m a virgin!” DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DAAA! It was hard to get some pussy, man. You had to be scheming, ‘specially. Like you could easily get some pussy, like some dudes could get pussy, right, “Bitch.” “Ooh-ooh-ohh.” I try that, get an ass whippin’. “I ain’t no bitch, motherfucker.” But you try to get pussy, you know, like you even fall in love with a bitch to get some pussy. “I love you darling, yes I do. Why, you remind me of the sunset. You remind me of the ocean waves that fall across the seashells on the shore. I want to touch your body, just like that, dear.” And then they give you a little pussy, but a little. But you can’t come in them. Right, they always say that. “Don’t come in me.” “Oh, no-siree-bob I never come. It’s not my thing. It’s not how I get my kicks. Coming’s not my trip. Almost coming, that’s how I fill… Or bitches always be saying shit like, you know, “Don’t come yet.” That’s the lowdown when they do that. “Don’t come yet.” “No, no! I’m not coming yet. No, I’ll hold on! Oh, God, yea! O-o-o-h-h.” It’s great coming. I know, like, some folks don’t come, white folks don’t come. That’s why they fuck quiet. As I was saying two hours ago. Man, they do, they be “Mmm, mmmm, mmm I’m coming.” N i g g e rs make noise when they fuck. “Ah, shit, baby. I goddamn… don’t move it now… ah, shit,… you motherfucker, you.” And then you come and fart. Blame it on your old lady. “That you, baby?” “Did you fart, mother?” “Aw, shit, you farted, bitch. You know you farted, motherfucker. Girl, you better get operation. Bet you done tore somethin’ loose. Shit.” “You know I don’t fart, I poot.” ‘Cause the girls, they always poot, they never fart, right, they go, Poot “scuse me.” They always ease ’em out, them stinkin’ motherfuckers, they ease out. Like you be in the car, somethin, you can’t say nothin, you be… “Oh, no nothing dear, it’s, just God, ah, get me to the hospital, please, I’m…” My grandmother could fart, but she’d fart early in the morning, right about five o’clock, and sit on the toilet and never, ever shit, but made a loud noise. You know what I mean? You know, like sit on a toilet and never shit, just make a, you know, like a boat coming in. “Eh, must be four o’clock.” Getting filmed is a drag, you know. No, because, I’m nervous. I don’t want to be nervous ’cause I’m… ain’t lyin’. People shit. People will not admit they shit. “No sir, I never had a bowel movement ever in my life.” Right, yes, people like Nixon, “I’ve never had a bowel movement. And I think it’s communistic to assume that American’s move their bowels.” Ya know Nixon don’t come, right, you know, if he does, he apologizes. Let me make this perfectly clear… And his old lady, man, he can’t come in her ’cause she ain’t got no pussy left. That many facelifts she had. Pussy all up in her ear. And Trisha Nixon can’t give her pussy away. Even the Secret Service man, “Ah, no, I gotta watch the car.” “No, no, I understand.” “Ever heard of Massengill.” Massengill’s a douche powder. Maybe white girls don’t douche, but I remember that was a big thing in whorehouses, ya know. “Bitch, you better get some douche powder.” You know, that was the thing. All the whore’s sound like Flip Wilson, “Better get some douche powd.” That was my, I was the errand boy for all the whores in the neighborhood. You know, I used to run and get Ktex and all that shit, before Tampax came along. I remember the white, burlesque girls always use Tampax and the n i g g e rs used Ktex. ‘Cause we bleed a lot because we’re so real. I said “we” like I’m one of the bitches. Can we edit this? No, never fuck a f a g g o t. No, I like to say this on film because, to all the American male persons, never fuck a f a g g o t ’cause they will lie. They always say, “I won’t tell.” They lie. They can’t wait till you finish fuckin’ `em. “Well guess who was here, honey? Girl, look it, here. Well the n i g g e r got more bitch in ’em than me.” Don’t ever give a f a g g o t head. ‘Cause you really be lowdown, then, right. You all act like you ain’t never suckin’ a dick or somethin’. Y’all be like, “No-siree-bob, we’ve never, ever touched a penis in our lives. We’re real men.” I sucked a dick. You can get a habit from suckin’ dick. You can be a dick junkie. You can only do it maybe three times. You do it more than that, you get a habit, you be, “I gotta have a dick. Now, please, unless I have a cock in my mouth.” I used to give head to dudes who’d always say, “Don’t come into my mouth.” “Our father, who art in heaven.” No, but, no buts about it, fuck it. But it’s exciting, man, being black, because being white ain’t very exciting, ’cause the best you can do when you white is go to heaven. You know what I mean? But n i g g e rs, n i g g e rs can’t go no place. That’s what’s so exciting about being a n i g g e r. You know what I mean, might fuck around and luck up on heaven. Negroes can’t go to heaven. They can get a promise to heaven. I was a Negro for 23 years. I gave that shit up. No room for advancement. I was, too, man, and I had my shit down pat. I had a lot of fun being a Negro. Got to fuck a lot white girls. That was the most important part, fuckin’ white girls. Huh? It’s my nose. You never ate a booger? No, some people don’t eat boogers, man. Boogers are hip. I like my boogers. I do. I like boogers, I like boogers and I like the way I fart. I have great smelling farts. People can’t dig it, but, I like the way I shit. I shit cool, don’t smell bad or nothin’. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m religious. That’s right, I used to go to white Protestant church. Used to scare the shit out of me, right. ‘Cause they had that strange music. You expect Dracula to jump out on you any second, right. If he did I’d a held the cross up. ‘Cause he’s allergic to bullshit Drac didn’t have no n i g g e rs in his day. He just had pretty bitches, And it was hard for a bitch to turn Dracula down ’cause he promises somethin’ that any bitch in the world could not refuse. “How would you like to be beautiful forever. Bla Bla.” “Fuck me, Bite me, motherfucker, anywhere, I don’t care.” For a bitch to be pretty forever. “You never will change” “Oh, yea, where you gonna bite me. Here?”
 But no n i g g e rs, ’cause n i g g e r s’d kill Dracula. And as soon as them motherfuckers goin’ to sleep, I’m going take this motherfuckin’ toothpick and stab the n i g g e r in the chest. Don’t be fuckin’ with me. That’s why you never saw a movie where Dracula be walkin’ down the street with a n i g g e r, right? Like say him and a brother be walkin’, Ah, hey bro, what’s happenin’?” “You got it. Bla Bla.” “Yea, a, you know, what’s your story mornin’ glory?” “There’s nothing to it. Bla Bla-la.” “Look man, where you goin’? Which way, you know what I mean? ‘Cause I don’t need to be walkin’ which you, man. You know what I’m sayin’, I ain’t for dat shit. You know what I mean, I ain’t for no ‘blah-la-la-la’, you know what I mean. I ain’t in ‘ta that. I ain’t nothin, ain’t no f a g g o t in me.” “But I’m not a f a g g o t. I vant to suck your blood. Blah.” “Yea, you want to suck my ‘blah-a-a-a’. I know what you want to suck motherfucker, but I don’t play that. You dig? Now get your hand off me you motherfucker! You don’t be touchin’ me! Ya understand? ‘Cause I kick your ass, baby.” “If you hit me, I will fly away. Blah.” “Well, motherfucker, you gonna to have to go somewhere. Now get, get up off me! Sissy mother. You see that dude, that motherfucker I was talking to… bit me where? Say, man, the fuck you doin’ biting me on the neck?” Drac had the heavy shit. He’d bite you. He’d bite little bitches, too, little girls, too. “Anything you say Dracula.” I think my naval wants to say something. Now lets pretend like the lights are out and there ain’t no cameras and none of that shit, you dig? Then I can get down. I have to tell that to myself, then, ’cause you all don’t give a fuck one way or the other, “So what if there’s no camera. You’re just not funny, Dickey.” Thank you, Mom. You fool around? Ah, so, uh… any requests? If this mirror, well I looking in this mirror. I wish I was nude. Hey, does your dick really look bigger on camera? I always wanted to smoke shit, ’cause Clifford smoked shit, made cool sounds, a friend of mine, “This some jammin’ shit. Where’d you get this shit at, man? This is outta site. You want some Rich? Here you go. Yea, it sound cool, bro, but you gotta light it first.” I was always fuckin’ up, man. I never got my shit together. But I tried. I did, man. I always wanted to be cool ’cause you could get pussy if you was cool. Right, ’cause the girls give you pussy. Nobody like pussy nowadays, huh? But in the old days, when you liked pussy, but you couldn’t get it… does anyone remember liking pussy? That was the thing, that was like status, man, if you could get some pussy. And dudes always be like, “Man I had two bitches the other night, The bitches was freakin’ off. The other bitch licked the other bitch’s shoe heel. That’s right, you know, you dig? Ha-ha-a-a! I told her, I said, look here, I’m gonna put a chair in the bitch’s cli-tor-is. I want you to suck the, little bitch.” Had some beautiful stories, man. I always had fun being black. I guess y’all never know. But that’s the price ya pay for being white. ‘Cause it’s hard being white, it ain’t easy. You have to be a certain kinda dude. Can you imagine, like, white dude, Like a dude like you, you go to your job tomorrow, if you walked into your job and go “How’d feel Fred?” “Fuck you!” “I beg your pardon, Fred? Why don’t you just take the day off. You must be overexerting yourself.” You know, they think you’re crazy. N i g g e rs is in trouble. “Well, that’s the way they talk all the time. Just discharge him.”
 N i g g e rs got to talk that way when you all don’t understand “Please get off my back.” Y’all don’t understand that, “What does he mean by ‘on my back?”‘ Got to articulate it. “Your standing on the man’s sleeno splataurus along with the elevation of the dual process within the limitations of the foot as it processes.” N i g g a s ain’t gonna wait that long for y’all to get up. ‘Cause they got black motherfuckers, now. They be black. Black. I remember when black wasn’t beautiful. Black man come to our neighborhood, “Black is beautiful, Africa’s your home, beware the black man, be proud to be black.” And my parents go, “That n i g g e r crazy.” “Better get your ass away from here with that shit. Don’t start no trouble ’round here.” “When you want me to move ask me to move. I’m Allwell. That’s right, Allwell Jones B.T. Johnson. Ya, understand? You don’t be No n i g g e r, you ain’t gonna hit me with nothin’, Mr. Officer. I don’t take no ass whoopin’, and don’t know nothin’ about unconscience. You got ta kill me. You remember last summer when them 15 police come got that crazy n i g g e r, eight or nine of ’em got fucked up? That’s me! You hit me, I’m gonna bite your dick. I’m gonna die with some nuts in my hand, man. Now, what you gonna do?” Alright, well, we’ll be back. Hangin’ out was the groovy, right? If you could hang out, ya know. I always like to hang out with wino’s and shit ’cause wino’s always new Jesus. Like I said, I was religious? ‘Cause in the Midwest, right, the hillbillies own God. “Hello, out there friends and neighbors. Has God touched you today? Have you been touched by Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ, the Savior of us all. The very same Jesus who touched the rock and turned it to stone. He will be in town June 13th, 14th, and 15th. Coupons will be accepted at the door.”     Hope I’m not out of line. I hate to see folks leave when I be talkin’. I hope y’all get raped by black folks with clap. And nothing worse than the black clap. I had the clap once. I thought I was cool, man, ’cause the dudes knew I was getting’ some. “Richie got the clap! Outta site! My man! Yea-a-a-.” I thought that was cool. The clap. Nothin’ like the clap. “There is nothing like the cla-a-a-p.” Moving right along. No, but Oral Roberts is the hippest religious person I know. Ya ever seen his show? The Oral Roberts show? Never seen Oral Robert? He be healin’ motherfuckers? They be goin’, “I’m goin’ see Oral Roberts.” And he straighten them out, and they be goin’, “It was really wonderful.” I can see him in his dressing room, “Five minutes, Mr. Roberts.” Thank you. I’ll be right out. “How’s the house Freddie?” “Ah, ‘s OK, ah, couple real cripples up front. Wanna move ’em back?” “Ah, no, we’re working on cataracts tonight, it’s…” Wino’s are religious, though. ‘Cause they puke. You can’t be no more religious than that, to vomit. “What do you think of life?” Wino’s and fighters. I never could fight, and never could be a good wino. ‘Cause fightin’ was serious. Ya know, n i g g e rs could fight. I never could fight, man. But I had a cool run. In case the girls see me runnin’. “Look, Richard’s runnin’.” “Yes, but he’s cool.” ‘Cause, dudes, I remember the cool dudes, when the cool dudes fight the big dudes, they always fought cool, right? “Ah, what you mean, man. Huh? No wait, hold it. No wait a minute. Oh, get up. No, what you mean? What, you gonna jump on who n i g g e r, Huh? Ya jump on whom? When? Well, you ain’t jumpin’ on nobody. I’m the one in charge. Want to jump on me, motherfucker? Get. Mmmm. Mother. Yea. Ahh. Now do somethin’. Come on, Fred, yea, motherfucker, yea. Frankie!” This shit be getting’ down, boy, they be dukin’. It was beautiful. I never could do it, though. I always wanted to sit on the porch and just look at pussy. Or hang with the winos ’cause they knew Jesus personally. If you die, you could go to Heaven from a wino. “Man, I know Jesus. Shit, live over there in the project. N i g g e r ain’t shit. I new the boy’s mama. That’s right, man. Girl with big titties? Pretty black girl, man. Had personality all over her face. Well, that’s right. I knew her. I’m the one responsible for that girl. She wasn’t no virgin, neither. ‘Cause I knew a couple n i g g e rs eased up there and got some. Shit, be tellin’ me. I ‘member when her son, Jesus, was born ’cause her husband Joe damn near killed ‘er. ‘Cause she told him God made a baby. He beat her with a pool stick. Said ‘Bitch, you gonna tell me who the daddy of this baby is.’ Damn near broke that bitch’s neck. She fessed up. Found out it was Jimmy Walker. That’s right. I knew Jesus when he was nothin’, man. Little boy. I remember when he got killed. I’m the one tried to save the boy’s life. 1935, June 10th. People talk about it was, what, Easter. Motherfuck that… it was June 10, 1935. I said, ‘Boy, don’t you go down to the railroad track fuckin’ with them Jews without no money.’ That’s right. N i g g e r went down there, they killed his ass. Talkin’ ’bout he rose from the grave, shit he wouldn’t get up in the mornin’. Shit, I been around. I ain’t no fool, I studies peoples. I know what peoples comin’ from. Shit, I’m a peopleologist. That’s right. People don’t know what I been doing, man. I’m one of the first colored’s man in the FBl. That’s right, J. Edgar Hoover ‘pointed me personally, girl. Wanted somebody on the railroad to watch the Mexicans. That’s right. Cause couldn’t nobody on the bureau at that particular time speak Mexican talk. Then they hired me. I can understand Mexican ’cause I hear ’em takin’, I say ‘what you say, motherfucker?’ They tell me. Damn. Whew. Whoo. Let’s see you birds sing that! Tweet, tweet my ass. Ya gotta get down. See the people gotta understand this community.. Say fool! You better slow that car down! Goddamn, you don’t come drive down through here Iike you crazy! This a neighborhood, man, this ain’t no residential district! Shit, you coulda kept that sign anything. That ‘ol bitch. You see, that, girl? What you lookin’ fer, a match? Well, go for youself. See, I’m gonna tell you somethin’. See, that fool that just drove, there. That don’t mean nothin’ to me. I lives around here. I’m in charge of this district. I directs traffic every day. I handles these peoples. Listen, this..look, watch. Say ice cream boy! No, we don’t want no ice cream. Can you turn that goddamn noise off? Well, don’t nobody want to hear that tink-a-ling shit this time a mornin’. Yea, I get some of them Pampers on your ass n i g g e r, you don’t turn it off. Well, jump out that car, you bad motherfucker. Yea, I know how get your ass back in there, n i g g e r. Shit, I don’t take no shit. I was in World War I, boy, I’m a vetran. That’s right, I was in France. I was at the battle at Chateau-Brion. You don’t fuck with me. I ain’t no fool. I got mustard gas wounds all over my body. Mess with me. Shit, I understand. I’m pure. My great-great-great-great grandmother was African princess. That’s right, I ain’t got no white blood in me. I’m pure. Name was Cleo. Cleo Johnson. Shit. I been aro. Tryin’ laugh at me. You gotta call, honky. Is that a camera? What that motherfucker over there doin’ with a camera, man? You can’t film this. Can’t get arrested for drinkin’ nothin’. See, peoples got to understand what’s going on with the world. When I was young, I used to pimp. I been around. Shit, Mae West was my whore. That’s right, little short-legged bitch. That’s right. Bitch gave me plenty money. Me and Jack Johnson. I used to box, I boxed Jack Johnson, boy. I boxed that n i g g e r 17 rounds. June 5th, 1905. We fought for 17 rounds, boy, I’d-a won if it don’t snow. N i g g e r saw that white, damn near kilt me. See that boy over there in the street? See that boy? Used to be a genius. Boy used to book the numbers, didn’t need paper or pencil. Now the n i g g e r can’t remember his shoe lace. Get off the street, boy! Look at the n i g g e r. Move, motherfucker! ‘Fore you get run over, boy, get outta the way! Willie! Move outta the street, man. What’s happenin!’ What’s happ. What’s happenin’! What’s happenin’! What’s happenin’! Shit. I see you ‘ol motherfucker. I’m mean motherfuck these calls. I’m directin’ this shit. Oh-h. Say, man, I feel bad enough to drink some milk. Ya got anything?” “Yea, boy, I got somethin’. I got some advice for your ass. You better lay off that narcotic, n i g g e r, that made you null and void. That’s right. You’d better try to go to work and get a job, be somebody respectable. Fuckin’ around out here on the streets like a fool. You could help the community. You better get it together.” “What’s happenin’! Shi… Motherfucker! I used to work motherfucker! I worked for five years in a row when I was in the joint. Pressin’ license plates. Kiss my ass. Truck. Where the fuck a n i g g e r gonna get a job out here in the street pressin’ license plates, man. Ya, understand, ya motherfucker? The motherfucker! Kiss my motherfuckin’ ass, n i g g e r! Kill me, motherfucker! I… I went down to the unemployment bureau, baby, you dig, that’s right. I went in there, put on my white voice, walked in the office, talking ’bout, ‘Good afternoon, I’m applying for a job, I’m wondering, can you help me.’ Freaked the bitch out. Ah-h-h. All be talking ’bout, ‘Oooh, what you been doin’ to your voice?’. Everything, motherfucker. Myyyy. Bitch starting askin’ me who invented Palm Beach, all that motherfuckin’ shit. I said ‘Hey, I gotta get through this shit to get a job!?’ Motherfuckin’ job. Shit, I’d rather be hi-i-i-i-g-h.” “We’re all gonna get high today, boy. Can you get high offa some of this, n i g g e r? Try some-a that.” “What you tremblin’. No, you can’t have none of this now. You gonna tremble, n i g g e r, now what’s wrong with you?” “I’m sick motherfucker. I’m sick, man. I ain’t had no shit, man, in motherfucker. The n i g g e r told me I gotta have some money to get some dope? I did sixty days for that n i g g e r. Ya understand? The motherfucker saw me in the street, man. I was sick in the street… and needed just a little bit a dope. Ya, know, just shoot me up. I be cool ’cause he the n i g g e r who turned me on, man, told me it was cocaine, baby! Say ‘it ain’t gonna fuck with you’, ‘little cocaine’. It be cool. You dig. And my line, man. You know, that motherfucker shot me up with some big boy. And then I got… My momma called me a dog. My momma, mother dear, called me a dog. That’s right, the bitch called me a dog. My daddy told me he don’t want to see me inna vacinity. Just ’cause l stole his television. Shit. And, I’m sick, man, I need some help. I need somebody to walk with me and talk with me till two o’clock tomorrow afternoon when I can get some shit. I’ll be alright, I can handle this white world, then, baby. Ha-ha. I get a little shit in my veins, I can take all the shit. Ya know what I mean? I can take it now. ‘Cause my mind think the shit out I want to think about. But if you hang out with me and lie to me you ‘ol wise thinkin’ motherfucker. You ain’t do that for me.” “I’m gonna do it wit you, boy. I’m gonna walk with ya. ‘Cause I believe you got potential. You could be somebody with a little opportunity like I had back in 1905. I went down to Mexico City ’cause that’s the only place a n i g g e r could go enjoy hisself without prejudice. I went down there, spent my money. I was in Mexico City, right across from the Garcia Hotel. Poncho come out an’ recognize me, man. Poncho, said, ‘hey, baby!’ ‘Poncho, motherfucker.’ And we hugged and kissed and shit, and now, keep walkin’, walk with me, man, I’m gonna tell you ’bout it. Me and Ponch, we worked down here, was just… Black people have a lot to overcome and it ain’t just the mountain. Martin Luther King, said, “l have been to the mountaintop…” I’ve been to the mountaintop too, and I looked over the top, and what did I see? More white folks… with guns. This ain’t as funny as we thought it was gonna be. Motherfuck show biz."
1686242913-402,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Whitney Cummings: Jokes (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-jokes-transcript/,"[cheering and applause] [lively music playing] [emcee] Give it up for my good friend and yours, Whitney Cummings! [cheering continues] What is up, Newark, New Jersey? [cheering] Whoo! Thank you so much for coming out. This is my fifth stand-up special I am taping with you tonight. It’s been a minute. Uh, my last special, just to catch you up, I had announced that I had just gotten engaged. [cheering] Um… nope, nope, nope. My personality handled that. The problem is, nobody’s happy for me when I say I’m not engaged anymore. I was just used to, when you’re in your twenties and you break up with someone, everyone is so proud of you. They’re like, “Good for you, you don’t need him, fuck him!” You break up with someone in your late thirties and people are like… “Are you sure?” You break up with someone in your twenties, everybody’s worried about your emotional state. They’re like, “How are you feeling?” You break up with someone in your late thirties, people are just worried about your physical safety. They’re like, “You live alone again?” “What if you fall?” I guess I’m a late bloomer. It took this long for me to figure out what I wanted in a relationship, although I finally figured out what I wanted– a man– only to realize that what I want is now considered creepy.     Um… I know it’s not popular to say, but I’m into older men. That’s my thing, I like an older man. [applause] Are there any here tonight or did COVID get ’em? [laughter] Do we have any at all? Did any make it? How old are you, sir? Sixty. Sixty! Aaaaaah… I can’t– I can’t help it. Why is that so hot to me? It’s not even like a choice. It’s like every cell in my body is just like, “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…” And then just… [splutters] But we can’t, we can’t do this, sir. [inhales sharply] Dating an older man is now considered creepy. I think it was ’cause of all that sexual harassment news. Now it’s, like, creepy to date older guys. You’re not creepy, sir, it’s not you. It’s not you specifically. It’s just everything your generation made is a little sketchy. I dated an older guy last year and we went on a road trip. Every song on his playlist was, like, wild. It was like… ♪ Hey, little girl ♪     ♪ Is your daddy home? ♪ ♪ Did he go away And leave you all alone? ♪ I was like, “Oh, God.” I used to love that song. That shit does not hit the same way. But the good thing about dating older guys is that every now and then, you get to listen to R. Kelly by accident. ‘Cause they didn’t hear about it. M’kay? Yahoo! News or whatever didn’t cover that story. Oh, wow, you’re gonna try to be woke with me? Newark? You sure? You’re gonna try to tell me when the R. Kelly “Ignition Remix” comes on– and it’s not your fault– that that isn’t a gift from God? Okay, I’m not an asshole. I’m not just going to enjoy the song. I’m obviously going to educate him, you know. I’m gonna be like, “Baby, you need to turn this song off.” “You need to turn…” “You need to turn this song off immediately.” “This man is disgusting.” “This man…” “This man was a sexual predator.” “What he did was wrong.” “He objectified women.” “There’s a documentary I need you to watch immediately.” “There’s a Gayle King interview I need you to turn on, and you need to turn this song off in three minutes.” Not dating an older man didn’t work out for me. I did, however, get conned into dating a younger guy.     I’m dating a man who’s nine years younger than I am. [splutters] People are so down on younger guys, like, “How do you communicate with him?” Like, he speaks, he can speak. He’s not that young. Um… The only time we have communication problems is when we text because he insists on texting with the little videos, the little moving videos that repeat 50 times. What are they called, giffies? GIFs! Everyone calls them something different. All I know is that if I don’t respond for 20 minutes, I get Homer Simpson backing into a bush. Fifty fuckin’ times in a row. I’m like, “I haven’t seen this episode, I don’t know what this means.” I know what most of the giffies mean, but sometimes it’s just, like, a random person. Like, usually, it’s like Amy Poehler from Parks and Recreation, or it’s Steve Carell from The Office, but oftentimes it’s just a random fucking stranger out of context. When we first started dating, he sent me one. It was like a random toddler in the back seat of a car with buck-ass teeth. She was just staring at me, she was like… I didn’t know what I was looking at. I was with a girlfriend, like, “Dude, if this is his kid, I’m fuckin’ out.” “Absolutely not, you need to fix that. I can’t– no, no.” “‘Course not. I can’t let that bitch ruin my Christmas cards, so make that go away.” People are very down on younger guys, I feel like now. People always say, when I tell them I’m dating a younger guy, they’re like, “Well, he’s a younger man.” “Isn’t he desensitized to women from watching all that toxic porn?” Like, I don’t think so. Younger guys are way more sensitive because of whatever porn they’re watching.     He’s always so worried about me. Like he gets really stressed out when I go visit my stepbrother alone. Like, waits by the door. I’m like, “What are you…?” He’s very sweet. The younger guys are nice. They’re nicer. I think that maybe it’s ’cause from all that sexual harassment news, I think the younger guys might be scared of us or something, or maybe, you know, they respect us all of the sudden, whatever it is. It’s annoying as fuck. This guy, when we first hooked up, he had to ask permission for everything he did, everything, he had to ask consent. He’d be like, “Can I kiss you?” “Can I take off your bra?” I’d be like, “I don’t know, bitch, can you?” “I’m a 39-year-old woman.” “You want me to have an orgasm, you better bring me to the brink of death and back.” “Can you do that?” [cheering] They won’t even choke us anymore. They’re too afraid to choke us. He’ll do a hover, it’s like a choke hover. He’ll just hover his hands. I’m like, “What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” So now I have to… So now… So now I have to choke myself. I have to choke myself on your hand, so now I have to do a sit-up on my day off? Is this what you bitches marched for, shitty sex? Is this what you wanted? ‘Cause I would like to start a new march. “Pay us equally, but choke us like the dirty whores we are.” [cheering and applause] [Whitney chuckling] Ahh! He’s very weird about that stuff because three months in, he’s still asking permission. I’m like, “What are you doing? This is weird. Yes, of course, fine.” He’s like, “You just never know these days.” “All my guy friends, they all say now that sometimes you can have sex with a girl, you’ll think it’s one thing, and then later, you’ll find out that it was something else.” What? I have a question– I know this is gonna get me in so much trouble, but do you guys not know when you’re raping us? You seem confused. Two guys have sex with a girl, your guy friends next day are like, “How did it go, man?” You’re like… [inhales sharply] “Ahh!” “Dude, it could have gone either way.” “Um…” “We either had amazing sex or I’m going to jail, dude.” “Couldn’t tell ya.” [laughs] And then he goes, “If I don’t explicitly ask, how am I supposed to know if you’re into it?” I was like, “I see what’s happening.” “I need to make an announcement to clear up some confusion.” “This will solve that problem.” “I know it’s a bummer, but during sex, every now and then, you guys are gonna have to look at us in the face.”     “And I know it’s a bummer.” “You’re just gonna have to check in, just quick… quick gander, just see what it…” “Look me in the eyes.” “If I’m crying, it’s consensual.” “What’s the confusion?” “I feel like…” [laughter and applause] “…you’re overcomplicating this.” No, I do like an aggressive man, but I think that things have gotten a little too aggressive in some fetish communities. I dated a guy that was in the dom-sub community. It’s a very real thing. And he said to me, like on our third date, “Just so you know, I would have to be your dom, you would be my sub.” “I will text you 30 times a day orders that you have to follow,” and I was like… [clicks tongue] “Let me stop you right there.” “You had me at ‘texting 30 times a day.’ I’m fucking in, this sounds incredible.” Here’s what I did learn, though. If you’re going to text a girl 30 times a day a bunch of orders, you better know how to spell. So… you can’t dominate me if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.” You’re gonna have to figure that out at some point. I found it very silly until I realized, like, when he was bossing me around and telling me things to do, I was like, “This is so goofy,” but then I realized you can use that dom-sub thing to change all the things about your dude that annoy you. He’d be like, “Get down on your hands and knees!” And I’ll be like, “Mm! Okay.” “Hmm!” “Hmm… and while I’m down here, what if I took off those Birkenstocks… mmm… and put them in the trash?” “Ooh, I am so submissive.” “And then what if I took this Fast and Furious poster off the wall and put that in the garbage?” “And then I’m going to take this Call of Duty mouse pad, ’cause you’re 40.” “Oooh!” “And what if I took those iridescent oak leaves off your head, and what if I sat on them?” “Ooh, so kinky, so kinky.” “And then I’m gonna tell your roommate to move out!” “Ooh, I am so submissive!” [cheering] You gotta find the silver lining, you never know. I found it very silly, but every time he would say something that spooked me, I realized I’m old enough to maybe benefit from this weird-ass lifestyle. He’d be like, “If you’re bad, I have to punish you.” I’d be like… [snickering] “What does that entail?” He’d be like, “I have to physically hurt you,” and I was like, “Eww.” “That sounds weird.” “Then again I pay people to do that sometimes.” “Okay, you know what would really punish me?” “If you jammed your finger into this knot right under my shoulder blade for like 45 minutes every day.” “Ooh, that would punish me so much.” “You know what I hate– when people crack my back.” “Oh, please don’t!” [sighs] That did not work out. I couldn’t take it seriously. This new guy, the younger guy, doesn’t make me do anything I don’t wanna do. Almost like– it’s a little much, actually. I feel like I’ve gotten really lazy. Uh, I recently sat him down and I had to retire a couple sexual positions.     It’s a wrap on Reverse Cowgirl for me personally. I’m not trying to be lazy, I just don’t think it’s sexy anymore. I think it’s just more distracting with my knees going “pop-pop-pop, crack-crack, pop-pop-pop-pop, pop-pop-pop.” I do believe the joint pop during sex is truly the only thing we cannot laugh about yet as a species. We can laugh about queefs at this point. It’s not embarrassing, guys love it. They’re like, “Yeah, my dick is so big, I made that pussy fart, yeah.” [imitating fart] They love it. They don’t think that you have a giant pussy, they think they have a giant dick, you’re fine. You’re fine, you’re fine. But that joint pop, that’s embarrassing. There’s nothing… there’s nothing you will not say to get out of that situation, dude. You go down, like, “pop-pop.” “Was that the bubble wrap?” “I think that might have been the bubble wrap.” “Pop-pop? Are we under attack, was that a machine gun?” I really try, I give it my all. I just have too many injuries. I go down, 20 seconds in, I’m jammed up. I got that catcher’s knee. He knows right away, he’ll be like, “Baby, do you want to turn over?” “Turn over? Bitch, I live here now.” “You’re dating a 39-year-old woman.” “Reverse Cowgirl is not the third or fourth position in a series of nine or ten.” “It’s the final position every time it is attempted, okay?” “The only thing to do at this point is to figure out how I can dismount with a modicum of dignity without further injuring my L4.” “Now, listen very carefully.” “I’m gonna need you to scoot out.” “Need your little shimmy-shimmy, little reverse Storming Normandy, shimmy outta there.” “Now I’m gonna need you to turn the lights out, pitch-black.” “Go get Mommy some Icy Hot and some WD-40 while I figure out how to get out of this goddamn nightmare.” [sighing] Now I injured my back, which means now I need to retire Missionary. [laughing] And I also need to retire this fucking joke. Whoo! [applause] I’m very pro younger guys, I’m telling you. They’re very sweet, they’re very caring, they want us to have orgasms. This guy always wants to check to see if I have an orgasm. After we had sex, he’s like, “Did you come?” I’m like, “Of course not.” “When would that have happened? My hands are up here.” “What do you– what?” [applause] [high-pitched whistling] Was that a birdcall? What the fuck’s going on over there? No, he’s very into that, and he’s very into, like, sex toys. For Valentine’s Day, he got me a sex toy as my main gift. He showed up with this gorgeous box. Gives it to me, he’s like, “I found this sex toy for you on Instagram.” “It’s made for women by women.” I opened it, it’s gorgeous. It’s like this glass orb. I was like, “Baby, this is stunning. We should put this on the coffee table.” “I would– I would buy this at West Elm. How much did you pay for that?” He was like, “It was $180.” I was like, “Oh, you’re going to return that right now and I will masturbate with the cash.” “So…” [laughter and applause] “Uh…” “Something you don’t know about me is that my kink is thrift, and I’m never going to be able to have an orgasm knowing that was $180.” “Get the fuck outta here. Okay? You’re dating an older woman.” “We’re ratchet as fuck when it comes to sex toys, okay?” “We came up on the jelly cocks.” $18, 92 veins. That’s a bargain. Now, that is a bargain. They saved money because they molded those jelly cocks onto a homeless man who had just overdosed on methamphetamine and cocaine. They’re like… [straining] “We got it!” “Now all we gotta do is cover it in glitter and it’s ready for market.” [giggles] Those jelly cocks had a suction cup on the back. You just pop that shit onto a wall. Or a washing machine, in my case. That is a product made for women. Is anyone dating an older woman? Younger man/older woman? -[man, clapping] Me. -Yes. One guy. Okay. How much older? How much older is she than you? Three months. Three months. [laughter and applause] That’s your definition of “older woman,” got it. How old– may I ask how old you are, sir? -[man] 53. -53, oh, okay. Okay, got it. You do get points for that. Do you have a life insurance policy on her or what’s, uh… [man] Her job does. Her– he went, “Her job does.” Uh… I do feel like a lot of guys are now dating older women. It’s progressive, but at the same time, you gotta watch it. Don’t just pat yourself on the back. You can’t waste her time. You can’t trifle with a woman in her thirties, you know what I’m saying? If you’re dating a woman in her thirties, that’s like going to the grocery store and buying avocados. You better have a fuckin’ plan. [laughter] [applause and cheering] You don’t just go to the grocery store willy-nilly and decide, “I’m gonna buy some avocados.” No, you better have fuckin’ guacamole shit in your cart. You better have a party coming up, ’cause you know exactly how that’s gonna end. Day one, you look at those brand-new avocados, you’re like, “I got all the time in the world.” You have five days! Like my dude, I tell him, “I don’t give a shit.” “You’re gonna marry me. I will propose to you.” “I don’t give a fuck, okay?” “I’m not gonna just let you watch me rot while you plan a scavenger hunt so that I can hunt for my ring, following a treasure map into the woods like a fucking truffle pig.” Like… [snorting] “Can I have my ring, please?” [snorting] You guys overthink the proposal thing. I feel like I want to get ahead of it. I don’t want him to get down on one knee and propose. I don’t want him to see my neck from this angle. Like, I feel like I’ll lose a lot of leverage. Don’t you dare shoot my neck from this fuckin’ angle, either. No, I do not understand why women don’t propose to men more. Um, I always thought that was weird until I thought through it. “Why don’t I get down on one knee and propose?” And then I realized why ’cause I thought it through, right? “Okay, I’m going to get down on one knee…” Pop-pop, crack-crack. And I realized that if you’re a woman proposing to a man, you have to open with something completely different than the guys open. I would have to open with, “If you take your dick out right now, I will fucking kill you.” [laughter] [scattered applause] [applause building] “I thought that maybe all of our friends and family behind me might be a dead giveaway that I’m not gonna suck your dick… on this beach… next to your niece who’s filming.” “But I guess I have to say this.” “Also, when have I sucked your dick on one knee?” “When have I ever been in this configuration? Okay?” “I would never suck your dick on one knee because I know you would think about Colin Kaepernick, and we can’t both be doing that.” [audience] Ooh! [scattered applause] Then I would just go into my romantic speech. I’d be like, “Alex, will you make me the happiest woman in the world and let me buy my own engagement ring?” “‘Cause you can’t afford the one I deserve.” [laughter and applause] [inhales sharply] [sighs] I’ve been wrong before. I can be wrong. But this is the first guy I’ve ever dated where I do feel like we might have kids together, but I also kind of want to make sure, before we have kids, we do those, like, 23andMe tests so I know what I’m in for. Has anyone done a 23andMe test? [fan] Whoo! Yeah? How’d it go? [woman] I’m 10% Native American. You’re 10% Native American, but you didn’t know that? [woman] No idea. Your kids will be getting into college, so congratulations. You have that. I’m obsessed with these ancestry results. But no one will let me take that test. They’ll be like, “They’re gonna take your data.” Who gives a fuck? They’ll be like, “They’re gonna have your phone number and email address.” I’m like, “Okay.” I’m old enough to remember when there used to be a book full of everyone’s phone numbers and home addresses and they would just throw it at your house. [applause] They were all over people’s porches, in bags. No one even opened them. Homeless people would wipe their assholes with your data. No one wants your fuckin’ data, you dorks! [laughter] Everyone in the audience in their twenties is like, “She doesn’t get it.” “Our data is very precious. Everyone’s, like, obsessed with it.” I’m aware. I have a 25-year-old guy working in my office. Everything’s about his privacy and his data– I can’t even pay him. He will not send me his tax form. He’s like, “I can’t email this document.” “This is a private document.” “My private information.” I’m like, “Cool.” We used to fax our “private” documents to an establishment called Kinko’s. To a communal tray. Full of other private documents. Our encryption, it was something called a “cover page.” Just a piece of paper you would put on top of the other piece of paper. If there was a ceiling fan, you were fucked. There’s no privacy in Kinko’s. You go to the front of the line, like, “Hey, um, I’m here to pick up my private document.” They’ll be like, “Cool. Are you the girl with the DUI or, uh… the one with the Valtrex prescription?” You’ll be like, “Dude, chill, I’m both. Chill.” [laughter] [scattered applause] You putting tape over your camera on your computer, sir? You are? I knew it. Putting tape over your computer camera. You’re like, “Russia’s not gonna see this dick.” “They don’t deserve to see this V-neck and this dick.” You deleting your cookies? You don’t know, you’re not sure. That means, “Yes, every 20 seconds.” All the guys in my office are like, “We need a program that deletes all of our cookies.” I’m like, how much weird-ass porn are you watching? Where is our homie, where is 65? Where is our guy? Did he pass on? Okay, there he is. Um… [laughter] Listen to me. They– if you can hear me. Listen, they… watch all the porn on the Internet, and then they complain that it doesn’t get deleted fast enough. They have to delete their cookies. Do you have any idea what he had to do when he wanted to see a pair of titties? He had to drive into town. Look for a newsstand. He had to look a grown man in the eye and say, “I would like a Big Beaver magazine, please.” [applause] His cookies was a human man! Who he could run into at the grocery store or church whenever. He never knew. If he wanted to delete his cookies, he had to kill his friend! [laughter and applause] This man is an American hero. That’s what he is. I feel I might be a little desensitized to all the privacy stuff. Maybe, I don’t know, I think that that ship sailed for me. Uh, if you didn’t hear, a couple of years ago, I had my nudes publicly leaked. Uh, and I’m gonna tell you something right now, Newark, New Jersey. It wasn’t that bad. [applause] Wasn’t that bad. Uh… They got my whole cloud, and I was actually way more embarrassed about all my screen grabs of inspirational quotes. That’s the shit you want to get ahead of, that will bite you in the ass. I was like, “You guys can have my titties, but please don’t tell anyone about all those Marilyn Monroe quotes in that folder titled, ‘You got this, girl.'” “It was a bad… week.” It was so stupid. It wasn’t even a nude photo that I got to take myself and make it cute. It was a screen grab of a video that I’d accidentally uploaded on Instagram Stories when I was in the bathtub and high on edibles. [scattered laughter] So… I’m in the bathtub and I’m making this Instagram Story, right? I’m so high. I get out of the bathtub. And you know when you post something on social media and you’re like, “I feel like that was good.” Like, “I feel like that’s gonna get in the algorithm.” Like, “That’s gonna get in there.” I open my phone to see how many “likes” it got. “14 missed calls.” My friends were like, “Whitney, your tits are on the Internet!” I had videoed myself getting… out of the bathtub. And it was a very long video, because… You know when you’re high or drunk and you’re alone in your house and you’re convinced that all your furniture’s trying to kill you? I was like, “Not tonight, side table. Not tonight.” “Coffee table looking at me like I’m a snack, no way.” [laughs] So I was able to delete it. Everything was fine, it came down in, like, five minutes. Three months later, I get this very cryptic email from an AOL address. This can’t be good. I open it, and it was a guy who was trying to extort me. He goes, “If you don’t give me $10,000, I’m gonna sell this photo of your boobs to a tabloid.” And I’m, like, opening the photo, it’s loading, and I’m like, “Wait a second, how did he know my boobs cost exactly $10,000?” Like, this is a very fair hacker. Um… I open it and it’s a screen grab of the video where I’m hunched over at this angle, and it is not a flattering angle. And on a bit of a serious note, if you guys saw my last special, you know that I talked about my history of struggling with eating disorders and body image issues, and I hope every woman accepts their body unconditionally wherever you are. [applause] Except from this angle. Um… because it’s actually not acceptable. I said all that before I had seen titties from this angle. Uh, nobody told me, no matter how perky your tits are, the second you bend over, they get long and pointy. Did you know about this? They’re super perky, then they just turn into traffic cones. Did you know that? With, like, a dent in the side. Like traffic cones where someone kicked in the side of the… I did not know about that elasticity situation. I mean, I had a little bit of a suspicion. I had seen a glimpse of myself having doggie-style sex in a mirror before, and I remember thinking, “Why do my titties look like those inflatable men outside a car dealership?” They’re just sort of… And I know on my last special I talked about having fake boobs, but the fake boobs, they do the same thing. You thought they’d stay cute, they don’t. They get long and pointy and weird. I think the fake boobs unionized with the real boobs. They started working together. And the only real difference between fake boobs and real boobs is that real boobs, you know, when you lie down, they just completely disappear. They’re gone, dude. They ghost you. They’re like, “Bitch, I did my job. Peace!” Whereas fake boobs, fake boobs, they go no place. The guy that I’m with had never slept with a girl with fake boobs before. The first time I lied down naked in front of him, he literally– literally this was his reaction– he’d be like… [gasps] Like it was a– audible gasp. It was like [gasps]. I would say, “What?” It is jarring, it’s a little jarring, it is. It’s like two crocodile eyes coming out of a pond. It’s very… [laughter and applause] It is relentless. And, uh… although I do sometimes miss having real boobs because I miss them disappearing. My favorite prank used to be when I would hook up with a guy for the first time, I would lay down and my boobs would disappear, and he’d get on top of me, and I’d go, “Ha ha! You’re gay.” [Whitney laughing] I know. Can you believe I’m not married? Um… [scattered applause] Wild! So I’m in this situation where this guy’s trying to extort me. I’m not gonna give him the $10,000. He’s just gonna do this to someone else. So I was like, “Oh, God, this is such an ethical dilemma.” So I was like, “Okay, I’m just gonna post these photos on social media so he can’t sell them.” I queued them up to post to Instagram and Twitter in, like, an hour. I scheduled the post, and then I did like seven shots of whiskey and passed out. Woke up three hours later. Your Auntie Whitney trending on Porn Hub. [cheering and applause] I feel like… I feel like all the guys that were dragged here by their wives and girlfriends right now are like, “That is how I know her.” “Okay, I know… “ “I got it. I know her, I know her. I know who that is, okay.” I get shamed about this all the time. People blame me, like, “Why were your photos in the cloud?” “Why did you have videos in the cloud?” “Why didn’t you have privacy for all your photos?” ‘Cause I’m not a fucking nerd? Like, when has that even been an option? That’s not something I’m trained to think is even possible, dude. We used to take a roll of film, and we would leave it with some guy at Kroger for like a week. And then we found out whatever the fuck he was doing only took an hour. Like, none of it’s good. Those prints came back sticky as hell. You know I’m right. I never want to be negative about technology. The only time I ever get a little bit suspicious of technology is when I go to the doctor and I see some new gadget that we didn’t have before that makes you do math on what we did before the gadget. Like I had to go in for a COVID test last year. They were like, “Ma’am, we need to take your temperature.” I was like, “Cool.” They were like, “Ma’am, we haven’t done that in a while now.” I was like, “I haven’t had my temperature taken in a while now, so what?” This next generation, you just had little laser beams? Aimed at your forehead? And we had anal sex with thermometers our entire childhoods? You guys are just cool with this? You’re just gonna let this slide? ‘Cause I would like to discuss reparations at some point. If you think about what it was like for us to be at the doctor as kids, it’ll ruin your day. When I was a kid, you got buck naked at every doctor. No questions asked. I still do it. Old habits, dude. I just want to get out of there quickly, and there’s rules about it, there’s laws now. If a doctor walks in, they’ll be like, “No, ma’am, you’ve got to put on a robe.” “This is illegal now.” “What do you mean? You’re my ophthalmologist.” “Don’t you need to see if…?” “Don’t you need to see if my nipples work? Like, since when?” I feel like what happened is that women started becoming doctors and they looked at the protocols that the male doctors had made before them, and they were like, “Okay, let’s see what…” “Wait a second, they didn’t need to be naked at the ear, nose and throat doctor, you perverts.” They were like… [deep voice] “Eh, we had a good run.” [laughter] “Don’t worry, we got Polaroids.” I went to my annual gynecological exam. For the first time ever, there was, all of the sudden, a chaperone in the room. Is that a law here? There’s a chaperone during the gynecological– this never happened before. I’ve been going to this guy for 25 years. He’s 70 years old, all of the sudden there’s this nurse there. I was like, “My only opportunity to get fingered by an older man, and you are fucking it up!” “You are fucking this up for me.” [applause] “What? What? Oh, he’s got to wear gloves during the exam?” “Cool! You fucking nerd.” “We have a thing going on.” I was fine, I was like, “Dude, I’m used to this.” She was the one stressed out. I was like, “Are you okay?” “Do you need a chaperone?” “You’re watching me get fingered by Santa Claus.” “How are you doing?” [laughter] [applause] I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin Santa Claus for you. No, I feel like I’m the most pro-technology of all my friends. A lot of my friends are very against technology. They’re worried about it. It’s mostly my friends that are parents. As soon as my friends become parents, they get freaked out about technology. Mostly the phones, that’s every conversation I have with parents now. They’re like, “These kids, now they’re on their phones eight hours a day.” “Kids are on their phones all day long now.” I’m like, “Good.” “We’ve finally figured out a way to shut them the fuck up.” “Why…” [applause] “Why are you complaining about this miracle in your living room?” They’re like, “Whitney, because the phones are dangerous for the kids.” Eh… Are they? Is anything more dangerous for the kids than what we played on? You want to put your kids on the shit we played on when we were children? Okay, great, why don’t you put your kid on a merry-go-round? Remember that quality item? It’s like a lazy Susan for pedophiles. Make sure they saw every angle of the kid. They wait for the first kid to fall off who didn’t cry. They’d be like, “That’s the one.” We used to play on something called a seesaw. It’s a piece of wood on a hinge. The main objective was just to catapult the other child… into the air. And we were such homicidal psychopaths. If you were the kid that was on the bottom, you’d be like, “I wonder what would happen if I just jumped off this?” [laughter and applause] We’d… We’d watch the other kid careen to the ground, shattered nine vertebrae. Attempted murder, every day. At recess. “But the phones!” Fuck outta here. I have a goddaughter, she’s five. I went to her playground. If you’ve been to a playground recently, you know playgrounds are totally– You know, playgrounds now, they’re, like, mushy? Did you know that playgrounds have shade? Dude, we had a slide made out of sheet metal. [cheering and applause] It would bake in the hot sun. Dude, you’d get down on it. It was like a hot skillet. You’d go down that slide, like… [shrieking] We’d be squealing like pigs. Frying our assholes! Which had just had a thermometer in it 20 minutes earlier at the school nurse. [cheering and applause] It kind of ruined our plans to put sparklers in our butts later that night. [giggles] This is a very incendiary thing to talk about, people will argue with me. They’re like, “Whitney, it’s also about, like, the phones.” “They can be tracked. What if predators find the kids?” I’m like, “Yeah, that’s bad, that’s not good.” Then again, when I was a kid on the schoolyard, we would play a game on the swings called “Spider” where you would straddle the other child and just… fuck each other. We’d just fuck each other in broad daylight. All the teachers saw what we were doing. The teachers were in the corner like, “Aaah!” Like, they knew. They didn’t care. Any predator that found the kid on their phone, they’d walk up and they’d be like, “Eww, never mind, dude.” “Those kids are nasty.” You cannot argue that kids are not physically safer than they’ve ever been. Like, kids don’t get injured the way we got injured. When’s the last time you saw a kid in a cast? It doesn’t fuckin’ happen, dude. We used to spend the first 45 minutes of school signing casts. That’s how we learned to read and write. Half the kids in my grade, they had a cast with a metal bar. It was a metal rod, it was a metal– kids were doing the Hitler salute just the entire school year. I do feel like the casts were like the first “comments section.” We’d all write on them, we’d be like, “Hey, love you. Get well soon.” And then some punk would draw like a dick on the back, with balls. No one would tell the kid. Just add emotional injury to physical injury. [giggles] People will even argue with me about that. People will be like, “No, Whitney, the kids do get injured ’cause they type all day and it hurts their fingers and their fingers have pre-arthritis.” I’m like, “Got it.” We used to play a game called “Bloody Knuckles.” [laughter] [scattered applause] We would just punch each other in the knuckles until our eyes started twitching. They’re like, “But sometimes the kids have to wear wrist braces because they get tendonitis in their wrists from typing.” I’m like, “We used to play a game called ‘Red Rover, Red Rover,’ where you would hold hands with another kid and just pray that your wrist didn’t snap off your fucking body.” That is a move that’s illegal in the NFL, it’s illegal. It’s called the flying wedge. We played it every day at recess, dude. Red Rover, dude. And then the kid with the metal-bar cast, they let him play! [laughter and applause] The kids are fine. I’ve heard every argument. I’ve yet to hear an argument that really convinces me that the kids are in any real trouble, but people will still fight with me. They’ll be like, “Whitney, it’s the social media, it traumatizes the children, it’s psychologically traumatizing.” I’m like, “Hmm, when I was five, my parents showed me a movie called Old Yeller.” [laughter] “And then I had to read a book called Where the Red Fern Grows.” “Feel like all those alive puppies on TikTok are probably fine.” This is a big one, “Wendy, they could go on the Internet and get misinformation.” That’s all we got. My mom used to tell me that when the ice-cream truck played music, that meant it was out of ice cream. [laughter and applause] Do you know how fucked up that is? We got misinformation in the form of lies. From people that were supposed to love us. I remember on the way home from school, I’d be like, “Mom, can we stop at McDonald’s?” She’d be like, “Sorry, baby, it’s closed.” Like, “Aw, man!” Try pulling that shit with a kid today. Good luck. Be like, “Mom, I wanna go to McDonald’s.” She’ll be like, “Sorry, baby, it’s closed.” “Bitch, that’s a 24-hour McDonald’s.” “And if you don’t take me right now, I will tweet that you molest me.” “So… your move, baby girl.” “Your move.” [giggles] I’ve just heard every argument, and I feel like it’s a little overblown. What I hear is about how kids, all they do is take pictures of themselves. “They just take pictures of themselves, they take selfies all day long.” Who gives a shit? We’re just jealous, I think we’re jealous because we got one photo a year. We had a day. It was called “Photo Day.” It was our only opportunity in a year to get proof of our existence, and we had to wait in line for five hours, holding an envelope full of change? You would get to the front of the line, you had one shot, dude. They’d be like, “All right, say cheese!” [imitates shutter] “I think I blinked!” He’d be like, “Sorry, brace face, see you next October.” Kids now, they can get eight tries till they get a good one. We got eight sizes of the same shitty photo. What were those sizes? I remember being with my mom in the Walmart frame section, she’s in tears. She’s like, “What’s this one? What is this, a 9×1?” “I don’t even– is this a bookmark? I don’t know what that was.” “What’s this tiny little one? Is this for a locket?” “I paid 74 nickels for this bullshit!” I think we have to use critical thinking on this stuff, you know? I know it’s insensitive sometimes to say, but people will be like, “Whitney, the phones, they are really toxic for the kids.” “The filters on Instagram, they give the kids body dysmorphia.” Okay, I have body dysmorphia ’cause we used to xerox our faces. I’ve never seen myself before because I fried my retina on the surface of the fuckin’ sun, ’cause that was the only way to get a selfie back in my day. And then we would play with something called “pin art,” you remember that? It was the red frame with all the little needles in it, and you put your– put your hand, the outline, and your hand would go– We’d put it on our face! [laughter and applause] My generation needs filters to cover up the tetanus scars from jamming our head into a box of nails. [sighs] [applause] I just think it might be the best-case scenario. You can’t let kids get bored, and when kids get bored, they do dumb shit, that’s it. Like before phones, for our main form of amusement, we used to walk around the mall. For five hours. With no money. You know some bad ideas are gonna bubble up at some point. Twenty minutes in, we’d be like, “Oh, my God!” [groans] “Should we just get in the van with that guy?” “Like, what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?” “He’s got candy.” Like, that was our Candy Crush, just a guy in the Penney’s parking lot with Werther’s Originals. Wearing that exact shirt. Um… No, I just feel like it’s just so odd to me, like when people come up to me after I talk about this stuff. They’ll come up to me, like, “What did your parents think of all that?” They didn’t. Our parents had no idea what we were doing. My mom used to say to my face, “Go out and play. Come back before dark.” Kids don’t know when it’s gonna get dark. Gets dark, and they’re like, “Fuck, it’s dark!” “Noooo!” “This happens every night! It’s always a surprise!” And then we would just have to Blair Witch Project our way home. Eventually we’d find a pay phone, and you’d have to pray that your mom would take a collect call. You call your mom and you’d be like, “You have a collect call from–“ “Mom, it’s dark! Come find us!” And then you would just hitchhike and… that was kind of the deal. It’s wild to think about because even when our parents were with us, they had no idea what we were doing. My mom used to take me to birthday parties every Sunday, and we would play in something called a “bounce house.” Is that what you guys call it in New Jersey? Are you sure? You guys seem rich. Do you call it a “bouncy castle”? Don’t lie to me. [laughter] She’s like, “Okay, you’re right, I’m a princess.” Um… So you’d roll up to the bouncy castle, right? And I remember, even as a kid, I always thought that shit was sketchy. I was like, “I’m just a kid and I don’t know anything about math, but, like… there’s, like, 70 pairs of kids’ shoes outside, but only, like, three kids inside.” No maternal alarm bells are going off. She would just fuckin’ leave. She would leave, and you remember the screen outside the bounce house? That was painted over, she didn’t know what was going on. You guys remember what was going on. There was always that bully kid who was, like, hiding in the corner who had been practicing all day how to bounce. He knew every sort of part. He knew all the soft spots, he knew how to bounce, and he would just wait in the corner for new blood to come in. You would come in there, you’d be like, “I’m on the moon!” Come outta nowhere. Boom! Bounce you into the air, down into the crevice between the floor and the wall where you would join nine other kids who had been there for five days, covered in their own blood and piss. I don’t know. I’m trying to figure out what to do. I’m trying to figure out how to be a good mother. I’m not a mother, but I am a godmother. Is anyone a godparent? -[scattered applause] -Yeah? It’s a fuckin’ scam. It’s a racket. You fall in love with this child and you have no authority over them at all. Then you just get yelled at by the parent, you know? I get yelled at constantly. All I do is try to do good things for this child. I love her so much. Every time she comes over, I get in trouble. Like recently she came over, I had gone to a store. I got all this organic, like, food, and, like, I made her a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, gluten-free bread, right, I think I’m in the clear. And, uh, she comes over, and there was peanut butter on the sandwich and… if you live in California and you put peanut butter on a sandwich and it’s near a child, uh, Will Smith just comes out and punches you in the face. Um… [applause] It’s like a new law. So I got in trouble for that. But then I got some other fuckin’ almond butter thing and all this organic stuff, and she’s like, “I need to see the bottle,” and I was like, “It’s organic.” She’s like, “Hmm, even a lot of the organic brands have chemicals.” I was like, am I the only kid that drank out of a hose till I was, like, 14? Dude, I remember the first time I went to a restaurant. They brought me water, I was like, “Eww, what’s this clear shit?” “I ordered water, the murky stuff that makes you go night-night?” “Try again.” “Ecch! I already had to bring my own paint chips to this shit hole.” I’m always getting in trouble. I guess I just don’t know how to be a good parent. There’s all this new stuff you have to, like, know about, and I just feel like it’s a little bit overkill, ’cause I really try and I always end up in trouble every time I try to be in her life. She recently got into ballet, all right? She’s five years old, she’s in ballet. I’m like, I have to go to the recital for that ’cause there’s nothing cuter than toddlers in ballet because they all have, like, beer bellies. For no reason. They probably have tapeworms ’cause they only eat fuckin’ organic shit. Just saying. And then… [laughs] …their pantyhose never fit, right? ‘Cause no one wants to touch their legs ’cause it’s too awkward, so they all have like ball sacks on their knees and they’re just like these stupid little sumo wrestlers knocking into each other, so I was like, “I have to go to that, that’s hilarious.” And I did not get in trouble until the freakin’ end after it’s over, right? I didn’t say anything, I didn’t talk about the ball sacks. I totally behaved myself. And then after the show, I went up to my goddaughter, and I was like, “Olivia, you did such a good job and you looked so pretty in your outfit.” My friend pulls me aside, she goes, “Whitney, get over here!” “We don’t say she’s pretty.” “We say she’s smart.” I was like, “Okay.” “But she’s not.” [laughter and applause] “I am happy to lie.” “I’m trying to understand what we’re doing ’cause the spelling bee’s down the hall.” “Maybe we can plié down to the spelling bee ’cause your kid can’t fuckin’ read yet ’cause you let her choose her own classes.” “How am I the asshole?” “You’re the one that bought lingerie for your baby.” “How am I…?” “I just watched you put mascara on your toddler in the parking lot.” “I feel like we’re even.” She goes, “Whitney, you don’t understand.” “There is an epidemic in this country of girls that define themselves through their appearance over their intelligence.” I was like… “That sounds true.” “But there’s also an epidemic of hot girls who think they’re smart.” [laughter and applause] “What are we gonna do about that?” “You can make a difference today.” No, I’m always getting in trouble with her. I have very strong feelings about stuff ’cause I love her. She’s in ballet, and I feel like a toddler in ballet, totally fine, it’s cute, but I feel like, as a girl, you cut ballet off at, what, like ten? Eight, ten. I basically said to her, “I don’t think that toddlers need to keep doing ballet later.” Like, I don’t think anything should exist today if you can’t sell it right now as a brand-new idea. I get why ballet was entertaining like 400 years ago, but I don’t think it needs to still be a business based on what we now know. Imagine trying to sell ballet as a brand-new concept to a Broadway producer right now. You’d be like, “Hey, I have this idea for a show.” “It’s a dance show.” “It’s about 20 18-year-old girls.” “They dance for about two hours in underwear.” They’ll be like, “Brrr, I’m sorry, is that like a burlesque-type show?” “Not at all.” “They don’t have tits or asses because we starve them.” “And their toes look like curly fries for the rest of their life.” They’d be like, “Uhh… I’m sorry, I’m just trying to understand this show.” “So it’s just women, there’s no men in the show?” “Oh, my God, totally forgot to tell you.” “Yes, there is one man in the show.” “He is like 30 and he’s the one that holds them up by their pussies.” “Sorry, I’m just trying to wrap my head around this idea.” “Um, so they’re just in underwear? Is that the only–“ “Oh, forgot to tell you.” “Of course they’re not just in underwear. We have skirts for them, obviously.” “But we figured out a way to make them go straight out.” “So you can still see everything you need to see.” [clicks tongue] “I’m sorry, I’m just– [splutters] I’m not getting it.” “Do you want to just, I don’t know, show me the dance moves?” She’s like, “No problem, it’s very simple.” “They just show their pussies… from every angle.” “Their pussies fly. They’re making the pussies fly.” “And then they just present their pussies to everyone in the audience.” “One by one.” “You know how you blow kisses at people? They just blow their pussies at people.” “Don’t worry, we don’t let them smile.” “Make sure they have no joy behind their eyes.” You can have one, of course, sir. Of course. Ballet is a wild show! It’s a wild show. You know a show’s creepy when they give the audience binoculars. Like, why do they have binoculars? Why do the binoculars have one handle bar? Why do you need one hand free? What is this show? It’s called The Nutcracker, you guys! [laughter and applause] I love you, Newark, New Jersey! ♪ Don’t act like that’s a disease ♪ ♪ Need y’all to bear with me, please ♪ ♪ I just say what I see ♪ ♪ You look at me And you see what I see ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror… ♪ I love you, Newark, New Jersey! ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror… ♪ You better fuckin’ catch me! You better catch me! ♪ ‘Cause maybe, maybe, maybe We’re just the same ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪ ♪ We’re all crossing paths For a reason… ♪ Get your photos, everyone! ♪ Hoping just to share Some laughs… ♪ Here we go, Bap Bap Bap! [cheering] ♪ Have I met you in the past ♪ ♪ In a life that I lived last ♪ Bap Bap Bap! You want to see my new act? [laughs] ♪ Well, I don’t know The monsters you knew ♪ ♪ But I’m trying to forget The ones I met too ♪ Ehh-ehh-ehh. ♪ Baby, you could help me ♪ ♪ Baby, I’m-a help you… ♪ [audience] Whoo! Whoo! What’s up, Des Moines, Iowa?! [indistinct chatter] That is wild to me! ♪ Baby, baby, baby… ♪ All right, I love you. We’re outside your house, bitch. Hard work paid off! Hard work paid off! Thank you to the Windy City for drying out my chin but not my… [clicks tongue] ♪ It’s the same pain ♪ I love you! ♪ And when I wake, I hear ♪ Whoo! ♪ The same wave ♪ ♪ Of sirens coming down my way ♪ ♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay ♪ So, my pants did split. [laughter] [chanting “Hard work paid off!”] ♪ You look at me And you’ll see what I see ♪ ♪ Ayyyy ♪ ♪ When you’re with me ♪ ♪ There’s no use in hiding ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪ ♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ Don’t look away… ♪ I love you, Newark! ♪ ‘Cause, baby, baby, baby ♪ ♪ We’re just the same ♪ ♪ Because you’re looking In the mirror ♪"
1686241304-1,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,George Carlin: It’s Bad For Ya (2008) Full transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-its-bad-for-ya/,"Full transcript of It’s Bad for Ya, final HBO stand-up comedy special by stand-up comedian George Carlin. It was televised live on March 1, 2008 on HBO. Filmed in the Wells Fargo Center for the Arts in Santa Rosa, California Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to begin… I’d like to… Thank you. Thank you. I’d like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. Fuck him and his balls and his bicycles and his steroids and his yellow shirts and the dumb, empty expression on his face. I’m tired of that asshole. And while you’re at it fuck Tiger Woods, too. There’s another jack-off I can do without. I’m tired of being told who to admire in this country. Aren’t you sick of being told who your heroes ought to be? You know? Being told who you ought to be looking up to. I’ll choose my own heroes, thank you very much. And fuck Dr. Phil, too. Dr. Phil said I should express my emotions, so that’s what I’m doing. Now, since the last time I rolled through these parts, and I do roll through with some frequency. I’m a little bit like herpes. I keep coming back. But since the last time, I might have seen some of you folks I have had my 70th birthday. So, I now… Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I’m now 70 years old, and I like 70. Not as much as I liked 69. Well, 69 was always my favorite number. Now, I figure I’m 69 with one finger up my ass. But now that I’m an old fuck, and that’s what I consider myself to be, an old fuck. Old fuck is a very special term. It’s not like old man. Old man is different. Old man isn’t really a time in your life or a period of years. It’s an attitude. Old man is a point of view. It’s a way of looking at things. Some guys are old men when they’re in their 20’s. You’ve met guys like that. They’re just wired like old men. Not me. Not an old man and not an old fart because an old fart is kind of (sound). What I am is an old fuck. It’s kind of like a fat fuck, you know what I mean? Fat fuck, tall fuck, skinny fuck, short fuck, old fuck. Who’s the old fuck? That’s Georgie. Georgie’s the old fuck. In this respect, fuck is actually a synonym for the word fellow. But now that I’m an old fuck, I’m beginning to notice there’s some advantages to putting on a few extra years. The first one is you never have to carry anything heavy ever again. Everybody wants to help an old fuck. If you’ve got a big suitcase or something like that, you know, you just kind of go like this a little bit. You say, “Yeah, could you help me with this?” Say, “Yeah. Hey, how far you going?” “Indianapolis.” He wants to help? Fuck him. Put him to work. Take advantage of people. Another nice thing about getting old is you can leave any social event early just by saying you’re tired. Works great with family members. Just turn to the person next to you and say, “Geez, I’m getting tired, you know.” Oh, are you tired? Come on. Grandpa’s tired. Grandpa’s going to bed. Someone else says, “But it’s 7:30 in the morning.” There’s always one asshole in the family. But the best thing about getting old is you’re not responsible for remembering things anymore, even important things. “But it was your daughter’s funeral.” I forgot. You can even make believe you have Alzheimer’s disease. Ah, it’s a lot of fun. You look around the dining room table and you say, “Who are you people, and where is my horse?” Then you stare at your eldest son and say, “Agnes, I haven’t seen you since first communion.” Fucks them up. Fucks them up. They don’t know how to handle it. It takes them a week to get over that shit. And they start listening to you a lot more carefully from then on. So don’t be afraid to get old. It’s a great time of life. You get to take advantage of people, and you’re not responsible for anything. You can even shit in your pants. They expect it. I haven’t tried that yet, but I don’t rule it out. I’m keeping my options open. Everything is on the table. Perhaps that’s not the figure of speech I wanted right there. So you know what I’ve been doing? Going through my address book and crossing out the dead people. You do that? That’s a lot of fun, isn’t it? It gives you a good feeling. Kind of gives you a feeling of power, a superiority to have outlasted another old friend. But you can’t do it too soon, you know? You can’t do it too soon. You can’t come running home from the funeral and get the book out, you know, and be looking through it. You can’t do that. A little time has to pass. You have to let a little time go by. I have a rule of thumb, six weeks. If you’re a friend of mine and you’re in my book and you die, I leave you alone for an extra six weeks. Six extra weeks in the book. On the house. It’s on me. But after that, hey, facts are facts. Fuck you. You’re dead. (Fart sound). Out you fucking go. You got to have standards, you know. Now, these days, a lot of people don’t keep analog address books anymore. They don’t want to be writing that stuff out longhand. They’re in the computer age. And they have an application in the computer called Outlook or Contacts or Address Book or something like that. So they keep all the information in the computer, and they sync it up with their phone every day or every other day. So now, instead of scratching out a name you get to delete the fuck. And deleting someone is an even more powerful feeling than simply scratching out a name. You know how to delete someone. You select a name, highlight the person and then poof, straight into the trash. Now, if it’s a really close friend of yours, you might not want to empty the trash for about six weeks. Or…or if it’s a little too harsh for you, a little too harsh to delete an old friend, you can always create a new folder, a special folder for dead people. You keep it on your desktop. It’s kind of a digital purgatory. And the nice thing is every now and then, you can open it up, and you can look inside. And you can see the people in purgatory. And you can move them all around, you know. Move them around. Put them in little groups. Two people who didn’t get along in life, put them in the corner; let them work it out. Let them work it out in purgatory. Or start a fight. Have a big fight in purgatory. That’s a lot of fun. Nobody’s going to get hurt. They’re all fucking dead anyway. Then, you put them in a big formation and have a parade, the purgatory parade of dead people. Ah, there’s a lot of fun you can have with a computer, so enjoy your digital selves. Now, speaking of dead people, there are things we say when someone dies, most of us say, a lot of us do, things we say that no one ever questions. They just kind of go unexamined. I’ll give you a couple of examples. After someone dies, the following conversation is bound to take place probably more than once. Two guys meet on the street. “Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.” “Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.” Yeah? Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of your seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be responsible for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself? Here’s another thing they say after a death. This is usually said to the surviving spouse. “Listen, if there’s anything I can do, anything at all, please don’t hesitate to ask.” What are you going to do, a resurrection? This ain’t the fucking New Testament, you know. You know what you tell a guy like that who wants to help? Well fine, why don’t you come over this weekend? You can paint the garage. Bring your plunger. The upstairs toilet overflowed and there’s shit all over the floor up there. Do you drive a tractor? Good. That’ll come in handy. The north 40 needs a lot of attention. Bring your chainsaw and your pickaxe. We’re going to put your ass to work. He wants to help? Fuck him. Call his bluff. Call his bluff. “Don’t hesitate to ask.” The nerve of these pricks. Here’s another thing we say to the surviving spouse. “I’m keeping him in my thoughts.” Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between my ass hurt in this chair and let’s fuck the waitress? What are your priorities? We use a lot of euphemisms when we talk about death, you know. People say things like, “You know, I lost my father.” Ah, he’ll turn up. You’ve got to stay optimistic with people like that. Give them reason to hope. Have you checked the dumpster out back? He used to like to take a nap in there. Keep it upbeat. Now, there’s something else that is said after a death, but this one involves belief, which is where I begin to have big problems. This one happens after the funeral, after the burial, back at the house. Back at the house where the family and friends and the loved ones of the deceased are having some food and drink, and they’re enjoying some warm reminiscences of the person who passed away, sooner or later, someone is bound to say the following, especially after a few drinks. “You know, I think he’s up there now smiling down at us, and I think he’s pleased.” Now, first of all, there is no “up there” no, no for people to be smiling down from. It’s poetic. It’s quaint. And I guess for superstitious people, it provides a little comfort, but it doesn’t exist. But if it did, if it did, and if someone did somehow survive death in a non-physical form, I personally think he’d be far too busy with other celestial activities than to be standing around paradise smiling down on live people. What kind of fucking eternity is that? And why is it no one ever says, “I think he’s down there now, smiling up at us.” Apparently, it never occurs to people that their loved ones might be in hell. Your parents could be in hell right now. Your parents…your father for sure. Oh, shit. Hell is full of dads. Full of dads. Even the ones that took you to the ballgame, just for beating the shit out of you once too often and fucking the neighbor lady and fucking the neighbor dog, and who knows, maybe even fucking the UPS man. We’ll never know what mischief dad was up to. Parents in hell. It kind of gives you a nice feeling, doesn’t it? It does me. Grandparents in hell. Picture that. Picture your grandmother in hell baking pies without an oven. And if someone were in hell, I doubt very seriously he’d be smiling. I think he’s down there now screaming up at us, and I think he’s in severe pain. People just refuse to be realistic. They don’t like to be realistic. People would rather stroke themselves, you know. Oh, they like to stroke themselves, don’t they? Stroke themselves. They stroke each other. They get stroked. They stroke the boss. The boss strokes them. Everybody strokes everybody. It’s nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it’s one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job. Do you know? Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting. And seated on a chair next to him the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America. It’s all bullshit folks. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, speaking of dead people in heaven, there are some people who not only believe that their dead parents in heaven can see them. OK, OK. They honestly believe that their dead parents in heaven can help them. You’ve heard these people, I’m sure. They honestly somehow believe that their dead parents in heaven can intercede with God on their behalf to gain favors for the living. I come from a Catholic home. I heard this shit. They sit there in the chair with the fucking rosary, and they look at you like this, you know. And they said “Oh, my dad. My dad was looking out for me. He was looking out. I don’t know how he got me out of that jam, but he got me out. Oh, my mom…my mom was in surgery with me. She was in… I could feel her presence in there.” Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine. Like the people who die have nothing better to do than run the heavenly branch of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Now, if people want to believe this kind of stuff, it’s fine with me. Let them believe it. I don’t…I don’t…I don’t want to disabuse anyone of their beliefs. But I have a question about this, a question that involves logic. Let’s suppose it’s true. Let’s allow the proposition that somehow dead parents in heaven can help their living children. Fine. So we’ve got a family living on earth, a father and mother and four kids. A family of six. A good family. A nice family. Doing all the right things, having a good time, making all the right moves. And the parents go away on a weekend trip and get killed in an accident, and the children, of course, survive. So now, according to this theory, these two people go to heaven and they start helping their four living children, helping them with everything they need. Helping them with their science projects, with their SAT scores, helping them get a good school, get a nice job, get a promotion and a raise and someone to marry, and they all grow up. These four kids now grow up and have children of their own. And let’s say that all four of these now-grown children also die at the same time, just for the sake of argument. Let’s say there’s an explosion at Thanksgiving dinner, and these four die, but their children survive because they were seated at the children’s table. So… So now, according to the theory, these four go to heaven and they start helping their living children. But what happens to the original two? What happens to the grandparents? Do they just go off-duty now? What do they do? Is there a retirement program up there? Is there some activities for these people? Shuffleboard, pinball, online poker. There must be something they can do. Or do they have to remain on duty indefinitely? Do they have to keep on helping their living descendants forever and ever and ever? Is that what heaven is all about, helping the living? When do you get to just lie back on a cloud and take a fucking harp lesson, you know what I mean? Because… Because people have been dying… People have been dying for a long, long time. There’s been a lot of dead mother-fuckers. Did you know that? Yes, you knew there’s a lot of dead mother-fuckers. We’ve had 100 billion people live on this earth. That’s what the experts say. A hundred billion people have lived here. So let’s say half of them died and went to heaven. That’s 50 billion people up there. That’s a pretty crowded place. It must get pretty busy and pretty hectic up there. And God must get pretty pissed off with all these favors. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Spelling test Tuesday. Get the fuck out of here, would you, please? Just get the fuck out of here.” Well, even God can go on sensory overload. That’s why he wanted one day off a week. Christians gave him Sunday. Jews gave him Saturday. Muslims gave him Friday. God has a three-day weekend, which is probably just what he needs. Now, just a couple of other questions about this whole theory. Suppose you die without having any children. Who do you help, strangers? It would be nice. Suppose you’re an adopted child. Who helps you, your biological mother? She doesn’t even know where the fuck you live. Suppose you kill your parents. Would they help you? I’ll guarantee you Mr. and Mrs. Menendez are not helping those two boys. No. No. Yeah, it’s all bullshit folks, and it’s bad for you. It’s all bullshit. That’s what you have to remember as you go through life in this country. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, speaking of parents and speaking of bullshit, two ideas which aren’t always mutually exclusive, by the way. I’d like to mention a special kind of bullshit that has taken hold in this country in the last 30 to 40 years. It’s a form of bullshit that really only can be called child worship. It’s child worship. It’s this excessive devotion to children. I’m talking about today’s professional parents, these obsessive diaper sniffers, who are over-scheduling and over-managing their children and robbing them of their childhoods. Even the simple act of playing, even the simple act of playing has been taken away from children and put on mommy’s schedule in the form of play dates. Something that should be spontaneous and free is now being rigidly planned. When does a kid ever get to sit in the yard with a stick anymore? You know, just sit there with a fucking stick. Do today’s kids even know what a stick is? You know. You sit in the yard with a fucking stick and you dig a fucking hole. You know. Yeah. And you look at the hole, and you look at the stick, and you have a little fun. But kids don’t have sticks anymore. I don’t think there are any sticks left. I think they’ve all been recalled because of lead paint. Who would have thought that one day the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China? But you know something, a kid shouldn’t be wasting his time with a stick anyway. If he’s 4 years old, he should be home studying for his kindergarten entrance exams. Do you know about that shit? Oh, they have them now. Yeah. Yeah. There are places that have kindergarten entrance exams. The poor little fuck. The poor little fuck, he can barely locate his dick, you know, and already he’s being pressured to succeed. Pressured to succeed for the sake of the parents. Isn’t this really just a sophisticated form of child abuse? And speaking of that, speaking of child abuse. Speaking of child abuse, next stop grade school. Grade school where he won’t be allowed to play tag because it encourages victimization. And he won’t be allowed to play dodge ball because it’s exclusionary, and it promotes aggression. Standing around is still OK. Standing around is still permitted, but it won’t be for long because sooner or later some kid is going to be standing around, and his foot will fall asleep, and his parents will sue the school, and it’ll be goodbye fucking standing around. Now… You know? Now fortunately, all is not lost. All is not lost because at least we know that when he does get to play, whatever games he is allowed to play, the child will never lose. We know he’ll never lose because in today’s America no child ever loses. There are no losers anymore. Everyone’s a winner, no matter what the game or sport or competition, everybody wins. Everybody wins. Everybody gets a trophy. No one is a loser. No child these days ever gets to hear those all-important character building words, “You lost, Bobby. You lost. You’re a loser, Bobby.” They miss out on that. You know what they tell a kid who lost these days? “You were the last winner.” A lot of these kids never get to hear the truth about themselves until they’re in their 20’s when the boss calls them in and says, “Bobby, clean the shit out of your desk and get the fuck out of here. You’re a loser. Get the fuck out of here.” Of course, Bobby’s parents can’t understand why he can’t hold a job. In school, he was always on the honor roll. Well, what they don’t understand, of course, is that in today’s schools, everyone is on the honor roll. Everyone is on the honor roll because in order to be on the honor roll, all you really need to do is to maintain a body temperature somewhere roughly in the 90’s. But we shouldn’t be worrying about how he’s doing in school because you know, come summertime, he’ll be off to camp. Yes, he’ll be off to camp, but not to swim and hike and play softball. No, no, no, no. Today’s child will be sent away to lose weight. He’ll be sent to fat camp or violin camp or ceramics camp or computer camp or leadership camp, whatever the fuck that is. Leadership camp. Isn’t that where Hitler went? You know, uh… Specialized, structured summer camps. Got to keep the little fucker busy, don’t they? Got to keep the little fucker busy. Wouldn’t want him to sneak in a little unstructured time in the woods. That wouldn’t be any good. God knows he might start jacking off. Now, all of this stupid bullshit that children have been so crippled by has grown out of something called the self-esteem movement. The self-esteem movement began in 1970, and I’m happy to say it has been a complete failure because studies have repeatedly shown that having high self-esteem does not improve grades, does not improve career achievement, it does not even lower the use of alcohol, and it most certainly does not reduce the incidence of violence of any sort because as it turns out, extremely aggressive, violent people think very highly of themselves. Imagine that, sociopath’s have high self-esteem. Who woulda thunk, huh? I love when this kind of thing happens. I love when these politically correct ideas crash and burn and wind up in the shithouse. Here’s another one that bit the dust. This practice of playing Mozart during pregnancy so the fetus can hear it. It was supposed to increase intelligence. It didn’t work. It didn’t work. All it did was sell a lot of CDs and piss off a whole lot of fetuses. The self-esteem movement revolved around a single notion, the idea, the single idea, that every child is special. Boy, they said it over and over and over, as if to convince themselves. Every child is special. And I kept saying fuck you. Every child is clearly not special. Did you ever look at one of them? Did you ever take a good close look at one of these fucking kids? They’re goofy. They’re fucking goofy looking. They’re too small, they’re way too fucking small. They’re malproportioned. Their heads don’t fit their bodies; their arms are too weird and everything. They can’t walk across the room in a straight line. And when they talk, they talk like they got a mouthful of shit. They’re incomplete, incomplete, unfinished work. I never give credit for incomplete work. Now, PT Barnum might think they’re special, but not me, I have standards. But let’s say it’s true. Let’s grant this. I’m in a generous mood. Let’s grant this proposition. Let’s say it’s true as somehow all…every child is special. What about every adult? Isn’t every adult special, too? And if not, if not then at what age do you go from being special to being not-so-special? And if every adult is special then that means we’re all special, and the whole idea loses all its fucking meaning. Here’s another platitude they jam down our throat: Children are our future. Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual flawless logic. Children can’t be our future because by the time the future arrives they won’t be children anymore, so blow me. Yes. As you may have noticed, I always like to present a carefully reasoned argument. Raising a child is not difficult. They try to make it into this mysterious, difficult task. Nothing to it. Easiest thing in the world to raise a kid if you follow the steps. First step, you take the kid and you put him out on the street corner, and you leave him there. You come back a week later. If the kid is still there, you’ve got yourself a stupid fucking kid. Then you just proceed from that point. It’s all bullshit, folks. It’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you. Now, you wouldn’t know it from some of the things I’ve said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don’t like people for extended periods of time. I’m all right with them for a little while, but once you get up, passed around, minute, minute and a half, I’ve got to get the fuck out of there. And my reason for this, my reason is for one that you may share possibly. I have a very low tolerance level for stupid bullshit. That’s all. Stupid bullshit. You know? And everyone wants to tell you their stupid bullshit, and a lot of them don’t know when to stop talking. You ever run into that guy? Doesn’t know when to stop talking, just continues running at the mouth like verbal diarrhea. Don’t know when the conversation is over. Stupid, trivial shit you don’t care anything about, things you’re not even remotely interested in. “Did I tell you about my mom and dad? Well, my mom and dad went on vacation down to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. This is about six years ago, I think. It seemed like it was six, about six years ago. Six or seven, possibly seven, could be. Yeah. Somewhere in there, six, seven, more than six, less than seven. Let’s call it six and a half. So my mom and dad went on vacation to Mammoth Cave, Kentucky, and my dad found a big rock. What he thought was a big rock turns out it was a dinosaur turd, a petrified dinosaur turd, 27 pounder. You know, now that I think of it, it might have been eight years ago. That would have been close to Y2K, wouldn’t it? Remember Y2K? Whatever happened? Everybody’s all worried about that. Nothing ever happened. Ha, ha, ha, big fuss. Nothing ever happened. You know? God. That was strange, you know.” “So let’s say, we’ll say, it’s eight…eight years. It was either eight or five. So my dad gave my mom this big turd. He says, ‘Here, Mom. This is a big dinosaur turd. Put it in your purse to take that home.’ My mom said, ‘Dad, I don’t think this is a dinosaur turd. This thing is still warm. Whoever dropped this thing is still walking around in here, and we’d better get the fuck out of this cave.’ Nine years ago. Nine. I know it was nine because my wife was pregnant with our first boy, Mach Moody Benel Sayid Ben Salam, and he’s ten now. Or is he? He’s 11. Maybe, he’s 11. He’s either 11 or 5.” And while all of this is going on, you’re searching through your mind for something graceful and diplomatic you can say to bring the conversation to a close, and all I can ever come up with is shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. But you can’t say that. Good manners don’t permit it. You have to find another way, and I go to body language. I try to use my body language to show that the conversation is over. I find myself leaning at a 45-degree angle trying to indicate the direction that I’d like to go if this person would just shut the fuck up. And then, I might even give him a verbal cue. “Surgery. Surgery. I’m late for surgery. I’m having my ears sewn shut.” You know. Yeah. Same people on the phone. Same people on the phone, don’t know when to hang up, don’t know when the conversation is over. Dumb, trivial shit. Dumb questions. “So what are you guys going to do five summers from now? We haven’t made any plans. Marge wants to go to the beach. The kids kind of like it at the lake, and I want to go to the mountains. Grandma wants to visit her sister in Frog Balls, Arkansas. How about you? Have you made any plans? It’s never too early to make plans. We’re going to Norway in 2025. Did you know that up until the 1950’s, Norway’s economy was based largely on fishing, but now, thanks to improved drilling techniques and the expansion of the global economy…” Once again, once again, searching through your mind for something gentle you can say. “Blow it out your ass,” comes to mind. Or shut your fucking pie-hole. Or if your friend prefers cake, shut your fucking cake-hole. But you can’t say these things, and you can’t use body language on the phone. Well, you could always amuse yourself, you know. Or if it’s your mother, you show your mother respect; you put her on speakerphone. But that doesn’t move the conversation along. You have to find another trick. And I go to tone of voice. Did you ever use your tone of voice to try to talk them into a soft landing? You try to coax the person toward the end. “Right. Good. OK. Good. All right then. Good. Great. OK. Good. OK, OK. All right. Oh, fuck, there he goes again. That cocksucker. “You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart, and her bush caught fire.” “Listen, listen, Reverend.” “Reverend, Reverend, I hate to be rude, but I just took a three and a half hour shit, and I’m bleeding from the asshole. Well, I don’t have any mercurochrome. Yes. Yeah, I’ll put a Snoopy band-aid on it. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. You do that for me. Yes, say a prayer for my asshole. Thank you very much.” You have to resort to these tactics because many people do not understand what a phone call should be or what a phone call is. Ideally, a phone call is the brief exchange of a few vital pieces of information. This is a phone call. “Hey, Steve, what time’s the circle jerk start tonight? Ten o’clock, OK. Listen, I’m going to be a little bit late. You’ll have to start without me. Oh, don’t worry. I’ll catch up. I’m eating a whole bunch of oysters and watching a horny movie. It’s called Tarzan Fucks a Zebra. Russell Crowe. Well, it’s kind of a fantasy. Right now, Renee Zellweger is blowing a unicorn.” That’s a phone call. It should not be a two and a half hour harangue of your third cousin describing her mailman’s liposuction. God, people are fucking boring. People are just fucking boring. You know what would be great for a guy like me? Just to be in a coma. Huh? Wouldn’t that be great? Nothing to do all day. You just crap out and breathe through a fucking tube. They feed you through a tube. There’s nothing to do. Whoa, you talk about being a couch potato, that’s it man. No phone calls coming in. Nobody dropping by unexpectedly. And if they do drop by, you’re completely unaware of it because you’re in a fucking coma, and you’re practically clinically dead. And you don’t have to listen to their stupid shit. Their stupid shit like about their new ride-around lawnmower with the two-tone horn and the GPS in case they get lost on the lawn. And their boss and their job and their car and their kids. Jesus fucking Christ, their kids. Folks, folks, nothing worse. Nothing worse than to be stuck somewhere with some married asshole and have to listen to him tell you about his fucking kids. Let me tell you something, folks. Nobody cares about your children, OK? No. We don’t care. We don’t care. Nobody cares about your children. I speak for everyone. I’ve been appointed by the rest of the group to inform you we don’t care about your children. That’s why they’re your children, so you can care about them, and we don’t have to bother. But they tell you anyway. “Todd is in the seventh grade now. He’s in the cheese club. Giselle is 5 and already she’s had nine periods. Johan is 11, and he pretty much sits around the house hallucinating all the time.” Then they want to show you the pictures. Here’s another ordeal. The pictures. These little gargoyles that they have loosed from their loins. A lot of these professional mommies, boy, they think there’s nothing better than having a baby. Oh, they think it’s the biggest thing in the world like it’s a big event, having a baby. I call it pumping out a unit. That’s all they’re doing. That’s all they’re doing. Pumping out a fucking unit. Ba-boom. Ba-boom. Like some of them like assembly lines like a factory. Ba-ba-boom. Every fucking year, ba-ba-boom. “Hey, Jeff, want a kid?” Ba-ba-boom. “How about twins?” Ba-ba-boom, ba-ba-boom. Polluting the earth. Polluting the earth with these creatures who have no future. They have no future. Have you pictured what this planet is going to be like in 40 to 50 years? It’s going to be a big smoking ball of shit, a big, smoking, flaming, stinking ball of gaseous shit. That’s what’s going to happen. That’s what’s going to happen. It’s irresponsible to have more than one child. Have one. Have one child, replacement value for yourself, that’s all. Don’t even replace your husband. Don’t replace your husband. No. He’s done enough fucking damage as it is. But they want to show you the pictures. Sometimes, they warn you, you know. That’s good. They say, “Hey, you want to see some pictures of my kid?” No, just describe them to me. But they show you, and there are two ways you can handle it, I have found two ways to handle the pictures. The first is the easy way. You just kind of take it all in stride, you matter-of-factly go along with the game. “Oh, uh-huh, boy. Hmm. Girl. Yeah. Older boy. Older girl. Good. Four. Listen, I have to go wash my crotch. I’ll see you later.” Then you get the fuck out of there. Or you can do what I do, you can do what I do, be a little honest about what you see. Take a chance. Tell the truth. “Look at the fucking head on that kid.” “Geez, where did he get a fucking head like that? That thing is huge. Have you put him on YouTube yet? Boy, you get a lot of hits with a head like that. Or put him on eBay. You might make a little money, you know. I’m sure some European circus would snap his ass up in a fucking minute, boy. Goddamn that thing is unusual. Listen, maybe he’ll grow into it. You never know with kids, huh. Hey, let me ask you a practical question. Where do you find hats for a kid like that?” Tell the truth. Don’t be bullshitting people. Don’t be bullshitting. There’s enough bullshit as it is, folks. There’s plenty of bullshit. Then they want to show you the pictures of the little girl whose second teeth are coming in, and they think it’s cute. It’s not. It’s fucking horrifying. Did you ever look at the teeth coming in on some of these kids? Did you ever take a good, close look actually in the mouth? Take a look and see different…damn, sometimes they got two, three rows of fucking teeth coming in there. All odd angles. There’s one under the tongue. That’s unusual, look at that, a sublingual tooth. What do you know? Once again, tell the truth. “You better start saving your money right now, pal. It’s going to cost you a fucking fortune to fix that. You’re going to need an international team of orthodontists around the clock just to make a dent. You might want to call FEMA. That looks like a real fucking problem to me. Look at that. You have the number to the National Guard? Give them a ring. That’s good. Listen, why don’t you just have them all pulled and let her start over again, you know? Or take a picture of her with her mouth closed. That would save you a lot of heartache in the long run. Listen, you’re not Catholic by any chance, are you? Well, the reason I ask is you might want to take her to Lewards and pray for a miracle over there.” Tell the truth. Don’t be bullshitting people. Like I say, there’s enough bullshit as it is. There’s enough bullshit as it is. In fact, there’s just enough, did you know that? There’s just enough bullshit to hold things together in this country. Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit. Land of the free. Home of the brave. The American dream. All men are equal. Justice is blind. The press is free. Your vote counts. Business is honest. The good guys win. The police are on your side. God is watching you. Your standard of living will never decline. And everything is going to be just fine. The official national bullshit story. I call it the American okeydoke. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, but we believe them because they’re pounded into our heads from the time we’re children. That’s what they do with that kind of thing; pound it into the heads of kids because they know that children are much too young to be able to muster an intellectual defense against a sophisticated idea like that. And they know that up to a certain age, children believe everything their parents tell them, and as a result, they never learn to question things. Nobody questions things in this country anymore. Nobody questions anything. Everybody is too fat and happy. Everybody has got a cell phone that’ll make pancakes and rub their balls now. Way too fucking prosperous for our own good, way too fucking prosperous. Americans have been bought off in silence by toys and gizmos, and no one learns to question things. Do you remember…OK. Now, OK. You remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douche bag. You remember her? OK. Barbara Bush. She is the mother of Governor George Bush. I call him Governor Bush because that’s the only elected office he ever held legally in our country, OK? George Bush, Governor Bush. Yeah. I don’t care where they hang his portrait. I don’t care how big his library is. He’ll always be Governor Bush. I don’t even capitalize his name when I type it anymore. So she’s the mother of Governor George Bush. She’s also the wife of his father, George H. W. Bush who did become president in the normal, legal, traditional manner. And when he did, she came along for the ride as first lady, and that’s been the tradition up ’til now. A man has been elected and the woman has come along for the ride as the first lady. And usually, as in American life in general, the woman is condescended to, patronized, given something to do to keep her busy. A lot of times, they give her a charity or a cause, something she can champion. Betty Ford was told to drink. Remember that? Yeah, that was…that was Betty Ford’s assignment. “Betty, you get drunk and get totally falling down, fucked-up, shit-faced drunk, OK? You just get fucked up drunk, and we’ll hose you down, baby. We’ll hose you down. We’ll put you in a facility, you’ll get sober, and then we’ll put your name on the facility. Liza Minnelli can get sober, and everything is going to be OK. Right?” That was her assignment. Barbara Bush’s assignment was getting children to read. Remember that? Getting children to read. They figured she had had so much success with George that she would be a natural to get children to read, which misses the point completely. Not important to get children to read. Children who want to read are going to read. Kids who want to learn to read are going to learn to read. Much more important to teach children to question what they read. Children should be taught to question everything. To question everything they read, everything they hear. Children should be taught to question authority. Parents never teach their children to question authority because parents are authority figures themselves, and they don’t want to undermine their own bullshit inside the household. So, they stroke the kid and the kid strokes them, and they all stroke each other, and they all grow up all fucked up, and they come to shows like this. Kids have to be warned that there’s bullshit coming down the road. That’s the biggest thing you can do for a kid. Tell them what life in this country is about. It’s about a whole lot of bullshit that needs to be detected and avoided. That’s the best thing you can do. No one told me. No one told me a thing like that. I was never warned about any of this. I had to find all of it out for myself. And there are still, as with you probably, a lot of things that you’re expected to believe and accept in America that I personally have a problem with, and I question a lot of these things. I’ll give you an example. I saw a slogan on a guy’s car that said “Proud to be an American.” And I thought, well, what the fuck does that mean? Proud to be an American. You see, I’ve never understood national pride. I’ve never understood ethnic pride. Because I’m Irish, and all four of my grandparents were born in Ireland, so I’m fully Irish. And when I was a kid, I would go to the St. Patrick’s Day parade, and I noticed that they sold a button that said “Proud to be Irish.” And I could never understand that because I knew that on Columbus Day, they sold a different button that said “Proud to be Italian.” Then came black pride and Puerto Rican pride. And I could never understand ethnic or national pride because, to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish, being Irish isn’t a skill. It’s a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn’t say, “I’m proud to be 5’11”. I’m proud to have a predisposition for colon cancer. So, why the fuck would you be proud to be Irish or proud to be Italian or American or anything? Hey, if you’re happy with it, that’s fine. Do that. Put that on your car. “Happy to be an American.” Be happy. Don’t be proud. Too much pride as it is. Pride goeth before a fall. Never forget Proverbs, OK? Now, here’s another slogan. Here’s another slogan you run into all the time. “God bless America.” Once again, respectfully, I say to myself, “What the fuck does that mean?” God bless America. Is that a request? Is that a demand? Is that a suggestion? Politicians say it at the end of every speech as if it were some sort of verbal tick that they can’t get rid of. “God bless you and God bless America. God bless you and God bless America.” I guess they figure if they leave it out, someone is going to think they’re bad Americans. Let me tell you a little secret about God, folks. God doesn’t give a flying fuck about America, OK. He doesn’t care. He never cared about this country. He never has. He never will. He doesn’t care about this country any more than he cares about Mongolia, Transylvania, Pittsburgh, the Suez Canal or the North Pole. He simply doesn’t care, OK. He doesn’t care. Listen, good. There are 200 countries in the world now. Do these people honestly think that God is sitting around picking out his favorites? Why would he do that? Why would God have a favorite country? And why would it be America out of all the countries? Because we have the most money? Because he likes our National Anthem? Maybe, it’s because he heard we have 18 delicious flavors of classic Rice-A-Roni. It’s delusional thinking. It’s delusional thinking, and Americans are not alone with this sort of delusions. Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed, dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody is going to be disappointed. Somebody is wasting their fucking time. Could it be everyone? Now, now, if people want to say God bless America, that’s their business. I don’t care. But here’s what I don’t understand. If they say God bless America, presumably they believe in God, and if they do, they must have heard God loved everyone. That’s what he said. He loved everyone, and he loved them equally. So why would these people ask God to do something that went against his own teachings? You know what these God bless America people ought to do? They ought to check with that Jesus fellow they’re so crazy about. They’re always talking about what would Jesus do, what would Jesus do. They don’t want to know so they can do it. They just want to know so they could tell other people to do it. Well, I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. I’ll tell you what Jesus would have done. He would have got up on the top of the Empire State Building and said, “God bless everyone around the world, forever and ever, until the end of time.” That’s what Jesus would have done, and that’s what these people should do, or else they should admit that God bless America is really just some sort of an empty slogan with no real meaning except for something vague like good luck. Good luck, America. You’re on your own. Which is a little bit closer to the truth. Here’s a…here’s a civic custom that I don’t understand. Maybe, you can help me. Taking off your hat when a flag passes by or when some jack-off at the ballpark starts singing the National Anthem. They tell you to take off your hat. What the fuck does a hat have to do with being patriotic? What possible relationship exists between the uncovered head and a feeling that ought to live in your heart? Suppose you have a red, white and blue hat. Suppose you have a hat made out of a flag. Why would you take it off to honor the flag? Wouldn’t you leave it on and point it toward the flag? And what’s so bad about hats that you have to take them off? Why not take off your pants or your shoes? They tell you that at the airport. They say take off your shoes. They tell you it’s national security, so taking off your shoes could be patriotic, too. I started to question all of this stupid hat shit when I was a kid. When I was a kid I was a Catholic, at least until I reached the age of reason, OK. So, I was a Catholic… I was Catholic for about two, two and a half years, something like that. And during that time, one of the things they told us was that if a boy or a man went into a church, he had to remove his hat in order to honor the presence of God. But they had already told me that God was everywhere. So I used to wonder, well, if God is everywhere, why would you even own a hat? Why not show your respect, don’t even buy a fucking hat. And just to confuse things further, they told the women exactly the opposite. Catholic women and girls had to cover their heads when they went into church. Same as in certain temples. Jewish men have to cover their heads in those temples. In those same temples, Jewish women not allowed to cover their heads. So, try to figure this shit out. Catholic men and Jewish women, no hats. Catholic women and Jewish men, hats. Somebody’s got the whole thing totally fucking backward, don’t you think? And what is this religious fascination with headgear? Every religion has got a different fucking hat. Did you ever notice that? The Hindus have a turban. The Sikhs have a tall, white turban. Jews have yarmulke. The Muslims have a kufi. The Bishop has a pointy hat on one day and a round hat on another day. Cardinal has a red hat, Pope has a white. Everybody’s got a fucking hat. One group takes them off; the other group puts them on. Personally, I would never want to be a member of any group where you either have to wear a hat or you can’t wear a hat. I think… I think all religions should have one rule and one rule only: hats optional. That’s all you need to run a really good religion. Here’s another one of these civic customs. Swearing on the Bible. Do you understand that shit? They tell you to raise your right hand and place your left hand on the Bible. Does this stuff really matter which hand? Does God really give a fuck about details like this? Suppose you put your right hand on the Bible and you raise your left hand, would that count? Or would God say, “Sorry. Wrong hand. Try again.” And why does one hand have to be raised? What is the magic in this gesture? This seems like some sort of a primitive, voodoo, mojo shtick. Why not put your left hand on the Bible and let your right hand hang down by your side? It’s more natural. Or put it in your pocket. Remember what your mother used to say? Don’t put your hands in your pockets. Does she know something that we don’t know? Is this hand shit really important? Well, let’s get back to the Bible, America’s favorite national theatrical prop. Suppose the Bible they hand you to swear on is upside down or backward or both, and you swear to tell the truth on an upside down, backward Bible. Would that count? Suppose the Bible they hand you is an old Bible and half the pages are missing. Suppose all they have is a Chinese Bible in an American court, or a Braille Bible, and you’re not blind. Suppose they hand you an upside down, backward, Chinese, Braille Bible with half the pages missing? At what point does all of this stuff just break down and become just a lot of stupid shit that somebody made up? They fucking made it up, folks. It’s make-believe. It’s make-believe. Now, all right. OK. Let’s leave the Bible aside. We’ll get back to the science fiction reading later. The more important question is what is the big deal about swearing to God in the first place? Why does swearing to God mean you’re going to tell the truth? It wouldn’t affect me. If they said to me, “You swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” I’d say yeah. I’ll tell you about as much truth as the people who wrote that fucking Bible. How do you like that, huh? Huh? Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything. It’s kid…swearing to God is kid stuff. Remember when you were a kid? If you told another kid something he didn’t quite believe he’d say, “You swear to God?” I would always say, “Yeah, I swear to God, even if I was lying. Why not? What’s going to happen if I lie? Nothing. Nothing happens if you lie unless you get caught, and that’s a whole different story. Sometimes, that kid would think he was being slick with me and he’d say, “You swear on your mother’s grave?” I’d say, “Yeah, why not?” First of all, my mother was alive. She didn’t have a grave. Second of all, even if she was dead, what’s she going to do, rise from the grave and come and haunt me? Come and haunt me, all because I told a lie to an 8-year-old? Get fucking real, will you? Sometimes, I would say, “I swear on my mother’s tits.” Kids are impressed with things like that. I mean, I don’t care about my mother’s tits either. I didn’t care if they fell off. Fuck her. Not my problem. They’re your tits, ma. You keep an eye on them. Swearing to God doesn’t mean anything. Swearing on the Bible doesn’t mean anything. You know why? Because Bible or no Bible, God or no God, if it suits their purposes, people are going to lie in court. The police do it all the time, all the time. Yes, they do. It’s part of their job to protect, to serve and to commit perjury whenever it supports the state’s case. Swearing on the Bible is just one more way of controlling people and keeping them in line, and it’s one more thing that holds us back as a species. Here’s one more item for you, the last in our civics book: rights. Boy, everyone in this country is always running around, yammering about their fucking rights. I have a right. You have no right. We have a right. They don’t a have right. Folks, I hate to spoil your fun but there’s no such thing as rights, OK. They’re imaginary. We made them up, like the Boogie Man, the Three Little Pigs, Pinocchio, Mother Goose, shit like that. Rights are an idea. They’re just imaginary. They’re a cute idea. Cute but that’s all. Cute and fictional. But if you think you do have rights let me ask you this, where do they come from? People say, “Well, they come from God. They’re God-given rights.” Oh, fuck, here we go again. Here we go again. The God excuse. The last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument, “They came from God.” Anything we can’t describe must have come from God. Personally, folks, I believe that if your rights came from God, he would have given you the right to some food every day, and he would have given you the right to a roof over your head. God would have been looking out for you. God would have been looking out for you, you know that? He wouldn’t have been worrying about making sure you have a gun so you can get drunk on Sunday night and kill your girlfriend’s parents. But let’s say it’s true. Let’s say God gave us these rights. Why would he give us a certain number of rights? The Bill of Rights in this country has ten stipulations, OK? Ten rights. And apparently, God was doing sloppy work that week because we’ve had to amend the Bill of Rights an additional 17 times, so God forgot a couple of things like slavery. Just fucking slipped his mind. But let’s say God gave us the original ten. He gave the British 13. The British Bill of Rights has 13 stipulations. The Germans have 29. The Belgians have 25. The Swedish have only 6. And some people in the world have no rights at all. What kind of a fucking, goddamn, God-given deal is that? No rights at all? Why would God give different people in different countries different numbers of different rights? Boredom? Amusement? Bad arithmetic? Do we find out at long last after all this time that God is weak in math skills? Doesn’t sound like divine planning to me. Sounds more like human planning. Sounds more like one group trying to control another group. In other words, business as usual in America. Now, if you think you do have rights, one last assignment for you. Next time you’re at the computer, get on the internet. Go to Wikipedia. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in Japanese Americans 1942, and you’ll find out all about your precious fucking rights, OK? All right. You know about it. You know about it. Yeah. In 1942, there were 110,000 Japanese-American citizens in good standing, law-abiding people, who were thrown into internment camps simply because their parents were born in the wrong country. That’s all they did wrong. They had no right to a lawyer, no right to a fair trial, no right to a jury of their peers, no right to due process of any kind. The only right they had? Right this way, into the internment camps. Just when these American citizens needed their rights the most, their government took them away, and rights aren’t rights if someone can take them away. They’re privileges. That’s all we’ve ever had in this country is a bill of temporary privileges. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year, the list gets shorter and shorter and shorter. You see how silly that is? Yeah. Sooner or later, the people in this country are going to realize the government does not give a fuck about them. The government doesn’t care about you or your children or your rights or your welfare or your safety. It simply doesn’t give a fuck about you. It’s interested in its own power. That’s the only thing keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights or we have no rights at all. Personally, I lean toward unlimited rights. I feel, for instance, I have the right to do anything I please. But if I do something you don’t like, I think you have the right to kill me. So where are you going to find a fairer fucking deal than that? So the next time some asshole says to you, “I have a right to my opinion, “you say, “Oh yeah? Well I have a right to my opinion, and my opinion is you have no right to your opinion.” Then shoot the fuck and walk away. Thank you."
1686241379-20,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,George Carlin: Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-seven-words-you-can-never-say-on-television/,"The original version of George Carlin’s classic routine, from his landmark comedy album Class Clown (1972). At the time Carlin was relatively well known for tame satirical routines about the entertainment industry. His previous album FM & AM released the same year, showed that he was already drifting towards counter-culture icon, but Class Clown was a landmark. Besides musings about his youth, the album featured strongly directed remarks against the Vietnam War and his attachment to taboo topics. The album contains “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television”, which became the focus of government harassment in the year that followed, and perhaps Carlin’s most famous calling card. Carlin continued to explore the use of profanity for the rest of his career. While this skit prevents the album from being Carlin’s only profanity-free one since 1971, it also marks the first time Carlin has used the word “fuck” in any of his recordings. “Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television” I love words. I thank you for hearing my words. I want to tell you something about words that I think is important. They’re my work, they’re my play, they’re my passion. Words are all we have, really. We have thoughts but thoughts are fluid, y’know like, woo woo woo woo, POP! Then we assign a word to a thought and we’re stuck with that word for that thought, so be careful with words. I like to think that yeah, the same words that hurt can heal, it’s a matter of how you pick them. There are some people that aren’t into all the words. There are some that would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them that you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They’d have to be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you 7, baaad words! That’s what they told us they were, remember? “That’s a bad word!” No bad words, bad thoughts, bad intentions, and words! You know the 7, don’t you, that you can’t say on television?
 “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.” Those are the heavy seven. Those are the ones that’ll infect your soul, curve your spine, and keep the country from winning the war. “Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits,” wow! And “tits” doesn’t even belong on the list, y’know? Man! That’s such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? “Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey! Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots.” It sounds like a snack, doesn’t it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. But I don’t mean your sexist snack! I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits, Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. “Betcha Can’t Eat Just One!” That’s true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list. Actually none of the words belong on the list, but you can understand why some of them are there. I’m not completely insensitive to people’s feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like cocksucker and motherfucker. Those are heavyweight words. There’s a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling. I mean, they’re just busy words. There’s a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are aggressive sounds. They just jump out at you like “coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer. coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer.”     It’s like an assault on you. So I can dig that. We mentioned shit earlier, and 2 of the other 4-letter Anglo-Saxon words are piss and cunt, which go together of course. A little accidental humor there. The reason that piss and cunt are on the list is because a long time ago, there were certain ladies that said “Those are the two I am not going to say. I don’t mind fuck and shit but ‘P’ and ‘C’ are out.” Which led to such stupid sentences as “Okay you fuckers, I’m going to tinkle now.” And, of course, the word fuck. I don’t really, well that’s more accidental humor, I don’t wanna get into that now because I think it takes too long. But I do mean that. I think the word fuck is a very important word. It’s the beginning of life, yet it is a word we use to hurt one another quite often. People much wiser than I am have said, “I’d rather have my son watch a film with two people making love than two people trying to kill one another.” I, of course, can agree. It is a great sentence. I wish I knew who said it first. I agree with that but I like to take it a step further. I’d like to substitute the word Fuck for the word Kill in all of those movie cliches we grew up with. “Okay, Sheriff, we’re gonna fuck you now, but we’re gonna fuck you slow.” So maybe next year I’ll have a whole fuckin’ ramp on the N word.
 I hope so. Those are the 7 you can never say on television, under any circumstances. You just cannot say them ever ever ever. Not even clinically. You cannot weave them in on the panel with Doc, and Ed, and Johnny. I mean, it is just impossible. Forget those 7. They’re out. But there are some 2-way words, those double-meaning words. Remember the ones you giggled at in sixth grade? “…And the cock crowed three times.” “Hey, the cock crowed 3 times. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, it’s in the Bible. Ha ha ha ha.” There are some 2-way words, like it’s okay for Curt Gowdy to say “Roberto Clemente has 2 balls on him,” but he can’t say, “I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony. Don’t you? He’s holding them. He must’ve hurt them, by God.” And the other 2-way word that goes with that one is prick. It’s okay if it happens to your finger. You can prick your finger but don’t finger your prick. No, no."
1686242854-389,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Mike Epps: Indiana Mike (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/mike-epps-indiana-mike-transcript/,"[announcer] Indianapolis, what’s up? [crowd cheering, applauding] This was real important to Mike Epps to come back to Indianapolis, to represent and put his city on the map. [yelling] Get on your feet! Put your hands together for Mike Epps! [“Portsmouths Finest” by Djbabyegg playing] ♪ Uh, check it out, chick bein’ open Let me see it ♪
 ♪ If you lookin’ for a trip type You can let me be it… ♪ [Epps, over lyrics] ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
 ♪ Makin’ big change, dancin’ ♪
 ♪ And makin’ good sweet dime On the floor, on the floor ♪
 ♪ Like a real, live moneymaker… ♪ Hey! What’s up, downtown? [crowd cheering] Yeah! [crowd whooping] Three-one-seven! [cheering continues] Where the sexy ladies at? [women cheering] Who ain’t got no panties on? [cheering] ♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪
 ♪ Yeah ♪ Some guys yelled too when I said, “Who ain’t got no panties on?” over there. Better not be over there naked, n*gga, up under them jeans. What’s up, Naptown! [crowd cheering] Yeah. We on the Avenue tonight, y’all. We on the Avenue. Yeah. The Madame CJ Walker Building, man. [crowd cheering] Yeah, we on the Avenue, man. Everybody’s mama got lied to on this street before back in the day. This the Ave right here. [Chuckles] Yeah, we in motherf*cking Naptown. Yeah. Shut the f*ck up. Shit. Yeah, man. Everybody’s mama got lapped. My mama and daddy met on this street at a club called Place to Play. Y’all too young for that, yeah. That’s… Yeah, that’s where it was going down at the Place to Play, n*gga. The Avenue, n*gga. Ain’t nobody got no COVID in here, do they? Shit. They all on my ass. Little fake COVID card motherf*ckers. Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man, you know. F*ckers talking about taking the shot. I-I don’t know what the f*ck to do. That shit is… they trying to scare you with the shit. “Go ahead and take it. Got a pill now.” [yells] I went on and got it. I said, “F*ck it.” I went and got the motherf*cker. Shit. Yeah, I went on and got it. When they start talking about cutting my shit off Netflix, I said, “Here! Where you gonna hit it at? Put it in.” I said, “Hit me in the ass with it. Hit me… Hit me…” [chuckles] I thought I had it, I-I did. I thought I had it. I went to the doctor. He said, “That ain’t what I said.” I said, “What’d you say?” He said, “I told you, you tested positive for cocaine on the 19th.” I said, “I didn’t hear you. Didn’t hear what you said.” “All I heard was 19.” See, n*ggas don’t wanna take the shot. The best way to get n*ggas to take that shot is put it in flavors. “That motherf*cker pi… That-that pineapple Moderna, n*gga!” “Shit!” “That watermelon Pfizer!” “N*gga, yeah. I’m on my ninth shot, man.” “You know they got the mango coming down next month, man.” [chuckles] We got the Mayor Hogsett in the house. Y’all, give it up for Mayor Hogsett! Mayor Hogsett! [crowd cheering] Me and him was drinking all day today. That’s what I like about him. He don’t give a f*ck. He be on the commercials lit as hell. “Get another drink and go deal with these idiots.” Mayor Hogsett, y’all. Give him a round of applause. [crowd cheering, applauding]     We got a lot of great people in the house. André Carson, y’all. André Carson! André Carson! From the hood, from the hood! You hear me. Yeah, man. That’s how we doing it in Indiana, shit. Yeah, man. We got a lot of great people in the house. We got the hood mama, Miss Bimery in the house! Give it up for Miss Bimery! She done helped all kind of n*ggas get out of jail around the neighborhood. She one of them Black women, if the police got you on the car, she’ll come down there, “What the f*ck did he do?” “Get the f*ck out of his face.” “You better not hurt him, motherf*cker.” “We’ll be down there to get you, baby.” N*gga in the backseat, “Go tell my mama I love her, Miss Bimery.” [chuckles] We in Indiana, man. This where n*ggas come to get white girls at. [crowd cheering] This is where Black men come and get white girls at in Indiana. There be a brother in Brownsburg with a white girl, “I got a white girl.” “Yeah, I’m down here in Brownsburg right now, know what I mean?” “Me and my white girl got us a trailer park, you know.” “N*gga named Dewayne.” [mumbling indistinctly] [laughing] Yeah. All the brothers in here with a white girl right now, you had your ticket two months ago. Them white girls don’t play, “We’re gonna enjoy your show.” “You’re enjoy yourself. We’re gonna get your tickets.” “We’re gonna call your friends.” Black women will buy the ticket and won’t tell you they got it. [women cheering] And be punking you all through the motherf*cking house. “You still wanna go to that show, don’t you?” “Better watch your motherf*cking mouth.” “You won’t be going.” “You can clean the whole garage.” Hmm. You know, if you got COVID-19, you can eat a stranger out. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna smell it or taste it. If a woman’s coochie stank, does that mean the kid’s gonna be bad? I mean, they did come from a bad environment. Fellas, never date a woman who don’t respect your wife. I said that wrong. I didn’t mean to say that. [woman speaks indistinctly] Yeah, this is a union, bitch. Ladies, you ever just look at your man sometime and just say, “I just let anybody f*ck.” Where the fat vegans at? Any fat vegans in here tonight? Them is some lying motherf*ckers, them f*cking fat vegans. “I don’t eat that, I don’t eat that, I don’t… Uh-uh, uh-uh.” “Have you read what’s in that? I don’t eat that, I don’t eat….” You eating something, motherf*cker. I got a cousin. She’s 700 lbs. She called me crying the other day. I said, “What’s wrong?” “They snatching women in the neighborhood.” I said, “And what are you worried about?” “Ain’t gonna snatch nothing around you.” “You might get forklift off one these streets.” Anyway, she been running down the street where the women been getting snatched. She’s jogging down the street, looking in car, trying to get snatched. She’s looking in the car. She running through the park. She waving at cars. ‘Cause you know how them big girls, they run real slow. The van that been… That been snatching the women rolled past her five f*cking times the other night. I told her, “What does that tell you?” “They didn’t see me.” I said, “How in the f*ck did they not see… They seen you.” How can somebody not see a-a circle on the corner? A big Cheerio standing there on the corner, and ain’t nobody see you. Anyway, she got snatched. They ended up… I think they snatched her last Thursday or something like that. Yeah, they snatched her. I talked to the detective. He said, “Mr. Epps, she got in the van.” [chuckles] Yeah, she got in the van. As soon as they stopped, she got in… It’s a lot of young girls in here with some old men in here now. I-I… Just sprinkled off in here. I’ll see your AARP card lit up. When you see them old men walk like Mr. Ricky, walk like that. He tired of you hiding him. You take him to one of them events? Not a event, a “e-vent.” “You gonna stop hiding me. Shit, I’m ready to be seen.” She be walking up front. “Come on, Mr. Ricky. Hurry up.” Mr. Ricky, “Everybody know we’re together now. You cut the bullshit.” When Mr. Ricky get mad and she say the wrong thing and he turn around, he gonna say, “Look, bitch. Let me tell you something.” He done put that spin on it like it was a-a-a… “Look here, let me tell you something. Don’t you ever in your f*cking life!” Yeah, well shit. [Chuckles] I like Indiana ’cause everybody play basketball out here. Everybody can play ball a little bit. A little bit, you know. We got the Indiana Pacers in the house. Give it up for the Indiana Pacers! [crowd cheering] Pacers! Yeah, them my n*ggas right there, them Pacers! Yeah. I tried it, yeah. Everybody in Indiana thought they was going pro. End up going to prison. You ought to see them n*ggas playing ball in the penitentiaries in Indiana. Boy, them n*ggas is some bad n*ggas. Yeah, real shit. And I used to make the team. I used to make the team. And then when them report cards come out, over with. The coach say, “Yeah, man.” [chuckles] “You might be able to play that last game we got against Manual coming up.” [laughing] Yeah, I used to just shoot the ball. Coach be mad. Everybody be lining up just cussing motherf*ckers out. “I don’t give a damn. You need to get back on defense!” And when he got to me, he said, “You are not Reggie Miller.” I was like, “F*ck basketball. I ain’t playing this shit.” Everybody in Indiana can play ball, and when you see a n*gga that’s pigeon-toed, that got a booty up high, them n*ggas can dunk right there. N*gga that’s pigeon-toed, booty up high, n*gga can jump out the ceiling. That’s how you do it. “Throw the ball up here. Throw it up here!” One of them pigeon-toed n*ggas, “Throw that ball up here. Throw it up!” Jumping out the ceiling! [laughing] Shit. Yeah, that’s real. I see a lot of white people. I wanna tell you, y’all are about to be extinct in a minute. ‘Cause you’re not f*cking enough. White people, no, they don’t f*ck enough. They only got two kids to a house. Black people, we f*cking. I don’t give a f*ck. You can put us in prison. We gonna get the guard pregnant. “Come here. Put your ass up against the bars.” [grunting] White people, they be thinking about their money. “I can’t come in you right now, honey.” “I have to get our stocks and bonds up before I bust in you.” N*ggas don’t give a f*ck. We don’t give a f*ck. We can be poor on welfare. [blows raspberries] “Yeah, let’s bring this poor baby in the world.” [blows raspberries] [chuckling] All the motherf*cking women that’s feeding their kids Popeyes chicken, them n*ggas is going to the NFL. You want your baby to go pro? Eat Popeyes while you pregnant. He’s going pro. All them NFL players, their mama and daddy is 5 foot 2. They 6’8″, 399 pounds. Motherf*ckers was eating Popeyes when they was in the stomach. [chuckles] Big breasts. Chicken wing, that butter biscuit. Yeah, that’s some good shit right there. Yeah, I love Indianapolis, man. This is a… A good, cold motherf*cker right here. It’s good and cold, you know what I mean? Everybody here been to jail at least once. [chuckles] I got my lawyer in here right now from 1992. Where you at, Jeff? Put your hand up, Jeff Baldwin. Jeff Baldwin stand up. [audience cheering, applauding] You got so many n*ggas out of prison, it don’t matter. I was facing 20 to 50 years. Jeff told me, “It don’t look good, Mike.” [laughs] “It don’t look good, Mike. I’m telling you that right now.” But that’s good, man. When you got a real lawyer, know what I mean? Not one of them fake-ass public pretenders. You in jail, and they never been to jail, and here come some young motherf*cker, “Okay, sign your name right here.” “Let’s get it over with. You wanna get out, right?” [chuckles] Yeah. Marion County Jail, that motherf*cker right there, shit. I seen Mike Tyson one time. I was like, “Mike.” He was like, “Where you from?” I said, “Indianapolis.” He was like, “Oh shit!” He was like, “I don’t never wanna go to that motherf*cker, right there.” [laughing] I remember one time I had a girl come from out of town. She came here. Got her some White Castles and shit. She jumped off the plane. “I’m hungry.” “Oh, Indianapolis. I love Naptown.” I took it, “I’m hungry Let’s get some food.” I took her to White Castle. She was eating them little hamburgers. She was… Onion rings. [Mimicking chewing] I called the next morning, she in the hospital over… In f*cking Wilshire, she over there. They pumping her stomach. She said, “What the f*ck was in them hamburgers?” She said, “The doctor said I almost died last night.” She said, “F*ck that shit.” Yeah, that’s some real shit. I know during the pandemic, that was some scary shit. Everybody was stuck in the house. You go to the f*cking grocery store, everybody looking at each other crazy. “You ain’t got it, do you?” [chuckles] Walking through the grocery store, ain’t no motherf*cking toilet paper, all soap. I said, “They… Yeah, they wiping their ass, but they ain’t washing it.” There’s some funky booty n*ggas out here somewhere. [laughing] That shit was crazier than a motherf*cker. Dr. Fauci on the f*cking TV every day scaring motherf*ckers. “Well, this is the problem.” “I know that in two months we’re gonna be okay, all right?” N*ggas like, “Two months?” People that ain’t never been locked down before, they was going crazy. It was just good for everybody that been to jail. It was like, “Yeah.” “Gonna get my little noodles out,” you know what I mean. “My crackers, gonna make me a slam. Sit back.” “Chop them little beef jerkies down in there with the cheese and shrimp.” Look at the jail n*ggas. They know about that. They know about that little jail tray right there. Yeah, that shit was crazy. Wasn’t nobody having fun but the scammers. All the PPP loan-thieving motherf*ckers, they was on Instagram and Facebook like this. Look at these stealing motherf*ckers on… People that had jobs was praying. “This too shall pass.” Yeah. If you stealing f*cking money, you know what I mean, from thin air? F*ck it. Take it. F*ck ’em. Take the money. All the money they ain’t took from you. F*ck ’em. Take the f*cking money. Just don’t be buying no shoes and belts and shit with it. Buy you some land. Buy you some property and some, yeah… [audience clapping, cheering] …with that stolen-ass money. Buy you some houses ’cause you gonna need it when you get out ’cause you gonna get some time. They’re gonna lock your ass up. You going to jail. That’s f*cked up. You gotta get your teeth fixed when you stealing. Anything you doing wrong, get your teeth fixed and your health right. So at least you’d be healthy in there. Every time you buy a belt, that tooth you ain’t fixed is in the back, shaking his head saying, “Look at this motherf*cker buying another belt.” “My tooth been back here smelling like shit for two years.” “And you buying another belt, n*gga?” [chuckling] I decided to sell drugs. I was the worst drug dealer you ever seen in your f*cking life. Yeah, you know. You gotta be a certain type of motherf*cker to sell drugs, you know? I was just, you know, I walk up to the car with my hand like this. F*ckers just hit my hand and ride off. [screaming] Okay, that’s the first sign. Get a f*cking job. You know. I remember one time, ’cause I had a gift of gab, I was talking to this drug dealer. [mimicking conversation] Motherf*cker gave me half a kilo. I was like, “Hey!” “I’ll see you next week.” “Okay, all right, yeah.” I didn’t know who to sell it to. Man, I sat on that man’s shit for two months. He was looking for me. [Chuckles] That’s the worst feeling in the world. When you owe a drug dealer? Shit. Everybody in the hood be telling, “You know Big Tony looking for you, man.” “Yeah, I seen him. Yeah, I know where he’s at. I talked to him.” “You ain’t talked to him, n*gga. He looking for you.” And the other drug dealers be helping him catch you and shit. You be at Foot Locker buying some shoes. “Yeah, he up here buying some Jordans right now.” “With your money, Big Tony.” “Hold him there. Stall him, stall him!” “Stall him!” That’s the worst feeling when you owe a big drug dealer some money. You sitting there shooting dice, and he walk up. And you like, “Uh.” “Hey, what’s up, Big Tony?” “Uh!” [laughs] He like, “What am I gonna say to this n*gga right here?” I remember I was at this place called the Epicurean, know what I mean? It’s an old after-hour joint, right there off Sutherland, back in the day, in the ’90s. And I used to take my jacket and put the cocaine down in my jacket, so when the police checked me, they didn’t find it. And I’m at the Epicurean shooting dice. It ain’t nothing but old men in there, old gamblers and shit. They in there shooting dice. They got signs on the wall. “No drugs.” “No guns.” That’s all that’s in there. Everything on the wall they say, “No, don’t have it,” it’s in there already. I’m shooting the dice. I threw the dice, and all the dope came out. All the old men, “Ah!” One of the old dudes, “Get your ass outta here. What the hell?!” When I got outside, he said, “How much you want for two of them?” Yeah. During the pandemic, I’m telling you, shit, that motherf*cking COVID shut down everything but child support. That’s the only thing kept rolling, that child support kept rolling. When you pay the child support that I pay, you be mean to your kids. [yelling] “Shut the f*cking door!” [in normal voice] “Dad, got straight As.” [yelling] “I don’t give a f*ck!” That’s the only thing that kept rolling was child support ’cause I called down there. I called down there. Yeah, I told the lady, “Do you see what’s going on in the world?” “You keep sending f*cking child support bills here, bitch.” “Do you see the world’s ending?” She said, “We don’t have anything to do with that, Mr. Epps.” “You better get rich or die trying.” I told her, “F*ck you. Go get the manager.” “I don’t wanna talk to you. You don’t own the f*cking child support place.” Yeah, shit. During the pandemic, I was watching The Verzus. That was pretty good. Yeah, the best one was Bobby Brown and-and Keith Sweat. [Laughs] I thought Bobby Brown was fittin’ to die, but that n*gga… ♪ Every little step you take ♪ [vocalizing]     ♪ Every little step you take ♪
 ♪ Be together ♪ [vocalizing] I said, “They better get a paramedic out there for this fat ass on the side of that motherf*cking building.” I love Bobby Brown, though. I love Bobby Brown. Yeah, yeah, shit. Keith Sweat came out there with that little Aladdin jacket on. He got a permanent hunch in his back from f*cking aunties in the ’80s. He f*cked over 300 aunties in his whole career. He might’ve got your auntie. He was at Faces. Mike Jones and Tandy, all them n*ggas was at Faces. [laughs] There’s a lot of young grandmas out here, y’all. These grandmas nowadays, oh my God. They ain’t… y’all not gonna be like our grandmas now. Don’t forget. Our grandmas was listening to Natalie Cole. Y’all listening to Megan Thee Stallion. So you know what kind of grandma that’s gonna be. “Baby, we was twerking like a motherf*cker.” “I had n*ggas in my DMs like a motherf*cker.” “Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert.” “We had a ball.” [chuckles] “Not Rose.” [laughing] “Me and Laquisha went, though.” [chuckles] “Remember 90-years-old Laquisha.” “Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch.” [chuckles] Eighty-three-year-old peaches. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? All these beautiful ladies in here. If you beautiful and you know it, make some noise. Come on. [women cheering] Yeah, where’s your confidence at? Where’s your confidence at? If you beautiful and don’t know it, make some noise. [audience chuckles] [woman whoops] Okay, one dumb broad right there. Just… She had to say something. I thought she didn’t know it. If you’re not beautiful at all… But your confidence is through the roof, and guys be trying to sneak and f*ck you, make some noise. [man in audience] Yeah! One guy said, “Yeah!” [man in audience] Yeah! Shut up, n*gga, shit. [chuckles] ‘Cause all the girls that look like Beyoncé, they got money, be sitting in the corner just quiet. Ain’t having no fun. All the bitches that look like Kirk Franklin, these bitches got bottles. You got sections and every motherf*cking thing. Yeah. It’s hard being in show business, man, you know. ‘Cause everybody wants something from you, you know. You wanna give it to them, but you don’t have enough. [chuckles] ‘Cause that’s f*cked up, you know. That’s how Black people are. We be all… You go to a picnic. You be famous and shit. Everybody be happy to see you. There be one n*gga in the corner eating looking at you like, “Yeah.” What the f*ck is wrong with him over there? “Yeah, I need to holler shit for a minute for you.” [chuckles] Yeah. I be walking in Indianapolis. This is the only place I can come, motherf*ckers keep it real with me. Everywhere I go, people be happy to see me. “Mike Epps, Mike Epps!” I come to Indianapolis, man, I… [chuckles] I’m in the grocery store. Motherf*ckers just walk up. “You still telling them corny-ass jokes up there?” That’s why the f*ck I don’t come back to the area. You n*ggas is haters, man. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? Y’all got a lot of nice-looking ladies. I tell guys all the time, “Don’t f*ck a girl with Uggs on.” Girls that wear Uggs are hoes. One, uh, uh, uh… Yeah, that lion color Ugg? That’s… That’s a ho right there. That sable Ugg? Them is hoes right there. They’ll f*ck you in the back of Arby’s. Big roast beef. [mimicking stomping noise] [sighs] [chuckles] I remember I got robbed in Indiana when I was young. N*ggas put me in the trunk. They was about to kill me. I’m telling you. As soon as they cut the music off, I was like… They was like, “What?” I was like, “Play that again.” They was like, “You better shut the f*ck up back there!” [chuckles] Bill Cosby’s out. Yeah. [scattered applause in audience] Yeah, see, I wanna be with Bill Cosby. But I remember he was talking about brothers wearing their pants sagging. He really, you know, he really wasn’t with us. He was, but he wasn’t. But he went down, you know. And it was all white women that told on him. That’s what was f*cked up, all white girls. You seen the interviews they did. Yeah. A bunch of white girls told on him and shit. I just seen him in Atlanta about, about two weeks ago. I seen him down there at Macy’s. He was buying some sweaters. He had some tank tops and shit. He had a mask. He didn’t know I seen him, but I know his little moves. Remember from the TV show. [singing The Cosby Show theme] That’s how he was turning around in there. [singing The Cosby Show theme] I told my boy, “That’s Bill Cosby.” I was just f*cking with him. I walked past quick. I said, “Where the hoes at?” He was just, “Hey!” “Where are the hoes?” Bill Cosby, he was knocking out all white women, though. It was all white girls. You seen the white girls on the interview. They told on Bill. He was knocking out all white girls. Poor white women, he was knocking ’em… “Oh, Bill!” [mimics burp] He was… ♪ Oh, what a relief it is ♪ [vocalizing] He tried to knock some Black women out, but they drink every night. Tolerance too high. He put four pills in a Black girl’s drink. She talkin’ about, “What? Something supposed to be wrong with me?” “You’re gonna be dead, bitch, all the pills I just put in your motherf*cking drink.” They locking all the Black men up, you know what I mean? F*cking Weinstein. He thought he was gonna get off ’cause he was sick. Every time he come to court, he couldn’t walk. He like this… They said, “Get on in here. We got a…”. “We got a medical ward in the prison too.” “You going to jail, white boy.” [laughing] R. Kelly man, damn. What a singing motherf*cker, oh man. Singing-ass n*gga right there. Who was gonna beat R. Kelly in The Verzus? [in singsong voice] Nobody. No, I’ll tell you who would’ve beat him. A judge. A judge would have tore his ass up. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. ‘Cause I’m from Indiana. You know how this town can be, right? But I’m gonna be honest. I’m so tired of acting like I don’t like white people. I only do it in front of Black people. White people, if you heard some of the shit I said about you when I was around Black people… And then I go back to my gated community and hug my neighbor Bob and his wife Cindy and tell him, “I love you, Bob.” I’m a fake-ass n*gga, y’all. [mumbling humorously]     [laughs] Soon as Black people get some money, they don’t wanna be around Black people. “Nuh-uh, get them n*ggas away from me. I don’t deal with no Black people.” “F*ck that shit.” “N*ggas are so dinky.” “Them some n*ggas? Get them n*ggas away from here.” “I don’t deal with no n*ggas.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know. See all these young girls in here. Young girls, y’all need to hang with nothing but Tina Turners, older women from Haughville. Tina Turners and-and Betty Wrights. Older women know how to ask you for something. Young women don’t know how to ask for no money after they gave you coochie. Older women know how to ask for that money. This how an older woman ask for some money. “I was wondering, since we spent a couple hours together, seemed like you enjoyed yourself.” “If you have it on your heart to do something nice for me so I can get my nails and my toes done, a few other things.” How you gonna tell this motherf*cker no if she done said shit like this? This is how young girls ask for money. “You still gonna do what you said you gonna do, OG?” “I gotta give you $200 and take an antibiotic?” “Bitch, don’t come back. I don’t give a f*ck.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. “Period.” That’s what young girls say. “Period.” “Per…” [laughs] I can’t get with the young audience. “Period!” And my kids, they just dance. I’m talking about these young kids with these dances and shit. “Stop f*cking moving around me!” One of my daughters did it like… I’m like, “Hey! That ain’t no dance, is it?” “This shit right here?” That’d got you hit in your eye back in the day. Acting like you finna hit a motherf*cker. [chuckles] Yeah, man, I grew up in Indianapolis, you know what I mean. Busting fire hydrants and shit. Going to free lunch programs at School 48. Yeah. The, uh, Diagnostic Center. I love everything about Indianapolis. This is a beautiful town right here, man. [audience cheering enthusiastically] This city right here definitely made me, man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, this show was dedicated to my mother and father. I lost both of them last year, you know what I mean? So… They are real Indianapolis natives. Mary Reed, Tommy Epps. My father worked at Navistar for 40 years. [audience cheering] Yeah, my mother used to work at Blocks. Yeah. [Chuckles] You remember Blocks? [audience] Yeah! You remember them big Spiegel’s catalogs? [audience] Yeah! You’d be ordering shit out of there, yeah. That’s good old Indianapolis right there for you, man. Sammy Terry. [In creepy voice] Ooh! “Good evening and welcome to Sammy Terry.” [in normal voice] He used to have me with my underwear, “Ah!” “Sammy Terry gonna get you!” That’s how my mother made me go to bed. “Sammy Terry gonna get you.” [laughs] Yeah, man. Everybody don’t know about Indianapolis, but it’s more than corn here. You know what I mean? [audience cheering enthusiastically] Real smart, intelligent, educated people, man, and some real good hustlers. You know what I mean? Yeah. I learned how to hustle here, you know? Yeah. ‘Cause I used to sell candy, but I hated going on 30th and Clifton ’cause they’d take the box. I know everybody in here personally. So I’m in here. All this Hollywood shit I’m doing is for the cameras. [audience laughing] Yeah. My dad, Tommy Epps, he used to hang at The Grand all the time, you know. Yeah, he used to hang at The Grand. That was his spot. One time I was in jail. I was in jail, ’cause, you know, I was young. You know when you young and Black, you know, the older guys get out of prison. They sell prison to you real good, you know. “I was up there in Pendleton for two years and then another three years.” “Then I did five years down in Wabash.” They make it sound good. You like, “I gotta go. Shit, I gotta go check this.” “I gotta check this shit out.” Yeah, I was in jail one time. I was telling my dad ’cause I ran into an OG. He was talking good. He was talking about the white man. “Yeah, the white man is the reason why you in here.” I was thinking, I was like, “No, I did that shit.” He caught me. The white man caught me. And he was an OG. He was sitting there telling me about all this shit, and I called my dad. I was like, “Dad, man, I’m in here with a dude.” “He is so smart, this dude. Oh God.” “He is a real OG.” My dad was like, “Yeah, shit.” [chuckles] “He ain’t too smart. He’s in there with you.” I was like, “All right, Dad. I gotta go. They about to cut the phones off. Bye.” [chuckles] Yeah, my dad had a good sense of humor. One day he called me. He was talking about some kids that robbed the bank. He was like, “Yeah, some motherf*ckers robbed a bank in Indiana and shit.” He said, “Man…” [laughs] He said, “The news people asked the kids ‘What made you do that?'” He said, “One of the kids said, ‘Shit, man,” we was watching Heat and we just said, “we just said, f*ck it.'” My dad said, “Shit, they must’ve not watched the ending of that motherf*cker.” Now, they got f*cked up! Yeah, shit. My mother, she used to go to them f*cking PTA meetings. Them teachers be lying on you and shit. You ever see your mother talking to a teacher and you just looking at your mother like… “I’m gonna tear your ass up later on.” Yeah. My mother used to talk about she was gonna kick the teacher’s ass. “I’m gonna let that bitch know. I’m gonna let her have it.” And get up here and be nice. “Okay, bye-bye, excellent.” “Get your ass in the car!” I’m like, “What the f*ck did she tell you?” Yeah. And see, now that I’m grown, man, I got my life together, I like admitting shit, you know. [audience applauding] I mean, it ain’t quite together. You know. But, you know, I ain’t doing what I used to do. You know what I mean? To be from Indianapolis, you know what I mean, to come up out of this motherf*cker right here? [whistles] This is a bad boy right here. You don’t know it ’cause you live here. You don’t go nowhere. I mean, some of y’all do, but this is a bad motherf*cker right here. You know. No… no high school, uh, diploma. You know, three felonies. Food stamps. Kaboom cereal. King Vitamin. How in the f*ck did we make it? You know what I mean? ‘Cause the Black man been through so motherf*cking much, the white, you could just talk about shit, talk about white people all day, and they’ll say, “I understand.” “I really understand. I get it.” “I understand.” [laughs] But the Black man is a bad motherf*cker in America. You hear me? You know? A bad motherf*cker. To start on zero and still win, you a bad motherf*cker. [audience cheering] That’s why we need Mayor Hogsett. Yeah, he like the people, know what I mean? We need a… an abolitionist with us. [audience laughing] We need a white Frederick Douglass right here in Indianapolis. “Come on! Hurry up!” “Here they come! Get out of here!” My man André Carson, straight out of the hood. Got a seat at the… on the… At the White House. That’s some good shit right there. My man Amp Harris, man been throwing parties and helping the community forever. My man “Boom Boom” Mancini, good brother right there. Straight out of the community, straight out of the hood. Mike Jones. My man Red Slaughter right there. The Bradley family, you know what I mean? All my brothers and sisters, the whole east side, Haughville. [cheering] ‘Cause I know y’all seen my new Netflix TV show, you know what I mean? Based out of Indianapolis. Monty was like, “Yeah, I see you got you a new show with Tommy Davidson.” I said, “That’s Wanda Sykes.” Yeah, ’cause these little young dudes, man. They… Woof! Ooh. [Exhales] They need some help. That’s what they need. Yeah. ‘Cause these little kids are disrespectful nowadays. Little motherf*ckers. Like I said, the grandmas is different, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, the f*cking grandmas is different, man, shit. Remember, back in the day, them grandmas in our neighborhood… You catch eye contact with an old lady, she say, “Go to the store for me.” Oh shit. Now you gotta follow this old-ass lady in the house. House hot as hell. “Let me show you. It cost $1.89.” “Come here. I’m gonna show you what it is. Come on up here.” “Reach up there and get that out of there right there.” “It’s back there by the orange juice.” “And… and baby, get you something.” “Get you something.” “I’m gonna get me something. You might not get all your shit.” That’s what I do to old ladies around. I take their money. Yeah, that’s some real shit, man. But I love telling jokes, know what I mean? I can’t see myself doing anything else, you know? Yeah. These little young dudes around here, they are scary, you know. I was at a gas station the other day. Some young dudes was sitting in the car. I know they was talking ’cause they was laughing. I was like, “What the f*ck is fun… “. Soon as I walked back, ’cause I have some braids. Motherf*cker was like, “Tight braid head ass.” I was like… I heard it, but I was like, “F*ck them motherf*ckers.” I just went in the gas station. Man, I walk out, and I hear another motherf*cker, “Big short ass.” I said, “Oh hell no.” I walk up to the car, I look down across, say, “Little motherf*cker! Let me tell…”. And when I look, they had a machine gun in the back seat. I said, “God bless you, little brother. Y’all have a good day. Take it easy.” Let me get the f*ck away from here, shit. That was a good thing Dave Chappelle did. But I wouldn’t advise a motherf*cker that ain’t got no money to do it. F*ck around and say something about the LGBTQTs. You better have some money. Say the wrong shit about them, them f*ckers be outside. [chanting] “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!” And mean it too. I tell men all the time, “Hey, man.” “Don’t be angry about gay people.” “‘Cause if you too angry, it look like you hiding something.” They don’t bother me, no. I see them all time. I’ll see ’em at the airport… “Mike Epps!” I was like, “Calm down. First of all, calm down.” “Stop making all the goddamn noise so everybody see us over here.” “I wanna take a picture with you.” I said, “I’m taking a picture, man.” I’m looking around. I was like, “Man.” We finna take the picture. Everything cool. Something told me look down, so I looked. He taking a picture looking. I said, “No, n*gga. We ain’t taking that picture right there.” “With your face looking at me, n*gga, we ain’t doing that one.” He finna have me on Entertainment Tonight, n*gga. [singing Entertainment Tonight theme]     I got married again, you know. I got a new wife, you know. [audience cheering, whooping] Hope I don’t f*ck this one up, you know. [chuckles] Yeah, man, being married is a motherf*cker, man. Especially when you’re in show business. ‘Cause pussy just fall out the sky. Hey, hey! You gotta step over. “Excuse me, pussy. I’m gone.” “Gonna f*ck my life up.” I love being Black, man. If I died and came back, I still wanna be a n*gga. Ain’t that something? [audience cheering loudly] Look at the white people. “You sure you wanna do that again?” You goddamn right. It’s hard being Black, but it’s fair, ’cause when you Black in America, shit, you know you start off on zero, you know what I mean? You don’t never start off on ten, you know. You need people that started off on ten to help your zero ass. You know what I mean? So, yeah, it’s hard being Black. Black people been through so motherf*cking much that white people, if you talk about them, they’ll just say, “I understand.” “Go ahead. Go right ahead.” “You guys, it’s unfair. Go right ahead.” “I understand.” [chuckles] Yeah, shit. African-American, shit, ’cause everybody got somewhere to go but us. If the Mexican get mad, he can go back to Mexico. If… if… Yeah. If the Asian get mad, he can go back to Asia. If we get mad, we ain’t got no motherf*cking where to go. I thought it was Africa until I went. Motherf*cker was like, [in African accent] “You are not one of my real brothers.” [in normal voice] I was like, “What?” [in African accent] “Yes, my brother. You are not one of my brothers.” “You are very lazy.” “You do not take advantage of your education.” [in normal voice] I said, “Can you drive this cab a little faster?” “And get some deodorant immediately….” “With your over-educated, underpaid ass.” Everybody think they going to heaven, and they’re not. God knows your crooked Christian ass. And if anybody ever left here before you and went to heaven, I don’t care if it’s your mama, your daddy, brother, sister, cousin… They went so you could get in. ‘Cause you wasn’t getting in. You wasn’t invited. It’s who you know. [chuckles] As soon as you get to heaven, man, the pearly gates are standing there and everybody wanna get in. It’s like a club. You can’t get in. Everybody’s trying to get in. The big bodyguards are standing there, and Jesus come out like a promoter. He let all the bad bitches in. “Let her in.” “Them two right there. Let that girl in right there.” “Let the two girls.” “Oh, I’ll text you.” [chuckles] Yeah. You wasn’t going to heaven. But all them Black ghetto mothers in heaven, they’ve been letting their sons in. They got a side door up there. Them Black mothers been lettin’ them, “Come on, baby, come on. Get in here!” “You smell like weed. Come on!” “Put the wings on. Put the wings on.” “Zip it up. Flap, flap!” “Act like you’re a angel.” I love y’all, Indianapolis. God bless y’all. [audience cheering] I’ll see you motherf*ckers on Netflix. Naptown! I need the mayor, Joe Hogsett, to come to the stage. [audience cheering] I’m proud to declare November 20, 2021 as Mike Epps Day in the city of Indianapolis! And last but not least. I need. Congressman André Carson to come to the stage. [audience cheering] You will be etched in the Congressional Record of the United States Congress forever, acknowledging your contributions as a comedian, producer, actor, entrepreneur, and most importantly a Hoosier. We love you, Mike. I’m putting you on notice. We need a street named after Mike Epps. We got Coach Mike Woodson in the house tonight! Mike Woodson! My man, Woody, right there, man. Straight out of Indianapolis, yo. I-I just, I like, [voice breaking] I just wanna thank you, you know. And thank all my friends and family. I love you all, man. Thank you. Uh… I’m grateful, man. I’m grateful… I’m grateful that I can come back home like this. Everybody can’t come home. You know what I mean? So to be able to come home, this means everything to me, y’all, and I really appreciate it. Does anybody have a Backwood out there that I can…"
1686242398-278,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,"Brazil, Corruption and the Amazon Rainforest | Patriot Act with Hasan Minhaj – Full Transcript",https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/brazil-corruption-amazon-hasan-minhaj/,"On this episode of Patriot Act, Hasan breaks down of the growing threats to Brazil’s Amazon rainforest. After a long and welcome decline, Brazil’s deforestation rates have begun to rise again, just as climate science shows how desperately we need the forest to survive. Now, backed by the country’s powerful beef industry, the country’s inflammatory new president Jair Bolsonaro has vowed to exploit Brazil’s natural resources. Standing in his way: the determined indigenous peoples whose domain over the land are the last, best shot for the rainforest — and possibly the world’s climate. * * * Tonight, I want to talk about the Amazon. The one that’s losing half its assets, but not to divorce. When I was growing up, I heard a lot about how the Amazon rainforest needed saving. Sting [Rainforest Foundation, 1989]: This is the rainforest in 1900, and this is the rainforest today. [Mirage Sudios, 1990] Who caused all this damage to the rainforest?
 Unfortunately, people did. [Wold Wildlife Fund, 1988] ♪ The rain forest. The tropical rainforest. ♪
 ♪ Unfortunately, some don’t understand ♪
 ♪ Like people coming in And clearing the land ♪
 ♪ Tragically this devastation Doesn’t have to happen ♪
 ♪ That’s why I’m on the mic here rappin’ ♪ For the record, I am absolutely fine destroying the rainforest as long as that guy lives there. Look, I  always thought that was the weirdest PSA I had ever seen, until I saw the one with Kevin Spacey. Kevin Spacey: I am the rainforest. I watched them grow up here. They’ve left, but they always come back. Yes, they always come back. That PSA aged so poorly, Kevin Spacey doesn’t even think it’s hot anymore. I know. Hey, you didn’t think you’d see him on Netflix again, did you? They didn’t even reshoot with Christopher Plummer. You had no idea. Now, the reason you probably stopped seeing PSAs about the Amazon and saving the rainforest is because we actually started saving the rainforest. Between 2004 and 2012, deforestation plunged 84%. Yes. It’s shocking. Humans actually stepped up and did the right thing. But let’s not give ourselves too much credit. We didn’t save the rainforest as much as we didn’t fully kill it, but just like Nazis and high-waisted jeans, deforestation is making a comeback. In the last year alone, Amazon deforestation has jumped 13.7%, a loss of nearly 1.2 billion trees. Now, deforestation rates are on the rise, and this couldn’t be happening at a worse time for the planet because when it comes to climate change, we are, and I cannot stress this enough… fucked. Dire new warnings about the effects of climate change. Intense heat, waves, storms. Deadly wildfires, droughts. Ocean dead zones. People are dying. They are dying. You know Fox is gonna use that against her. They’ll be like, “Oh, really? You’re talking about death, even though you’re still alive. Such a hypocrite. Really, AOC?” Now, look, we have to stop messing with the rainforest. The Amazon is home to 10% of all species on Earth. It absorbs 25% of the carbon emissions captured by the world’s forests. The Amazon also produces massive amounts of oxygen and water vapor, which serves as the Earth’s cooling system, which is why the Amazon is often called… The lungs of the Earth. The lungs of the Earth. The lungs of the Earth. I don’t know if you know this, but every part of Earth is actually a body part. The Amazon is the lungs. Canada is the forehead. Iceland is the third nipple. Malta’s the skin tag. England is the birthmark. Italy is not the foot. Australia is the foot. Italy’s the bladder. Germany’s the benign tumor. North Korea’s the malignant tumor. Argentina is the sinus, and Fiji is the prostate. Going there is simply the greatest pleasure you will ever experience.     The Amazon touches nine different countries, but to really understand why deforestation is on the rise, we have to look at the country responsible for most of it. Brazil. Now, there are a lot of great things about Brazil. Carnival, Neymar, some percentage of Hailey Baldwin and the Brazilian wax, which is another kind of deforestation. But it’s also very painful. Over the last five decades, almost 20% of the Amazon has been destroyed. Even though Brazil has laws to protect the environment, those laws aren’t always enforced because of insane amounts of political and corporate greed, and I know as an American, we should probably shut the fuck up when it comes to the moral high ground. Americans lecturing Brazil about corruption is like Steve Bannon launching a skin care line. It’s just like take care of… your own shit before you… dive into the whole face… thing. But corruption in Brazil is truly on a whole ‘nother level. Brazil’s last three presidents were steeped in scandals. Dilma Rousseff, impeached for financial misconduct. Michel Temer, charged with corruption. And Lula da Silva, currently in jail for stealing DVDs from a Redbox. I’m just kidding, corruption. And we haven’t even gotten to Brazil’s massive bribery and money laundering scandal called Operation Car Wash. Now I’ll let Fareed Zakaria, aka the original brown John Oliver, explain. Fareed Zakaria: The biggest corruption scandal ever anywhere in the world, $788 million in bribes to various officials, five former Brazilian presidents, nearly one out of three cabinet ministers and almost one out of three senators have been indicted or investigated. This is the country the world is relying on to protect the Amazon. Thank God, America doesn’t have that responsibility. Can you imagine if we were in charge of the Amazon? We would probably tear it down and build a headquarters for Amazon. You just see a bunch of howler monkeys driving UPS trucks with Kindles in their hands. Now, unfortunately, things are going to get a lot worse because of Brazil’s current president, Jair Bolsonaro. He’s a former army captain who answers the question, “What if Carl Sagan wasn’t properly embalmed?” And he’s made it very clear where he stands on the environment. BBC News: Mr. Bolsonaro campaigned to make Brazil great again, to kick-start it’s struggling economy. And he sees the Amazon as Brazil’s cash cow. BBC News: He may open up vast sections of the Amazon rainforest to mining. He said he’s gonna pardon people who have been fined for deforestation. Jair Bolsonaro: After all Brazil does not owe the world anything when it comes to environmental protection. “We don’t owe the world anything” sounds like the chorus to an Eminem song. But Bolsonaro’s stance on the environment doesn’t even scratch the surface of his insanity. Jair Bolsonaro [1999]: I’m in favor of torture. You know this, and the people are in favor of it, too. Jair Bolsonaro [2017]: If it’s up to me… every citizen will have a firearm in their home. Jair Bolsonaro [2010]: If your son starts to become like that, a little gay, you take a whip and you change his behaviour. Jair Bolsonaro [2003, to a reporter]: So now I’m a rapist? I’m a rapist now? I would never rape you because you don’t deserve it. Jesus. Bolsonaro sounds like every last comment before someone is blocked on Twitter. This is why he’s often referred to as the “Trump of the Tropics.” So think of Trump, but with even more tiki torches. Bolsonaro also loves Twitter, and his tweets are insane. The president, who tweeted a video apparently filmed at a carnival event, showing one man urinating on another man in a sexual act. On the plus side, at least Brazil’s seen their president’s pee tape. Now, eventually, “Golden Shower President” started trending online. Bolsonaro then tweeted out, “What is a golden shower?” I love how there isn’t a Portuguese word for “golden shower.” Like, you ever been to another country and then you watch TV and they’re like… [speaks gibberish] “Macaulay Culkin.” You’re like, “Something’s happening with Macaulay Culkin.” Now, as dangerous as Bolsonaro’s policies are for the Amazon, that danger is fundamentally being driven by agribusiness, which is the industry that produces the food that we eat. Agribusiness accounts for almost a quarter of Brazil’s economy and is one of the biggest drivers of illegal deforestation. Brazil is the world’s largest exporter of sugar, coffee, soybeans, orange juice and most importantly, beef. The Amazon is home to millions of species, and the biggest threat to the rainforest itself is this one. Cattle ranching is responsible for up to 80% of deforestation. And to turn the rainforest into grassland, they don’t just cut it down. They burn it down. It’s all about creating new pastures. The Amazon rainforest is being burned down and destroyed. Elizeu takes pictures of the tragedy in order to tell the authorities what’s going on here. Anything that can still move tries to escape the inferno. No no no, don’t worry. That rat goes on to become a chef in Paris. It’s beautiful. Brazil’s beef industry is a huge driver of Amazon deforestation. And it’s dominated by a single company called JBS. They’re the largest meat processing company in the world. Last year, JBS made $46 billion. That’s a double what McDonald’s made. Even more surprising, Brazil only accounts for 24% of their revenue. Their U.S. division generates 76%. That’s $35.2 billion. That’s right, America. Once again, we are fucking shit up. Look, if it’s terrible, we’re probably in the mix. We’re like the raisins of international relations. Like, the rest of the world is like, “We fucking hate raisins.” And we’re like, “Raisins are essential to democracy. Raisins have to be in everything, raisins need to be in Afghanistan for three plus decades.” JBS also happens to be one of the most corrupt companies in the world, which isn’t shocking because for a long time, it was run by Joesley and Wesley Batista. The Batista brothers. Now, come on. Their names are Joesley and Wesley. They look like dudes on a yacht Liam Neeson has to rescue girls from. The Batista brothers are possibly two of the most corrupt people on Earth, and they have history with the Bolsonaro administration. Bolsonaro’s current chief of staff has admitted to taking money from JBS, and in the past, the woman who is now Bolsonaro’s Minister of Agriculture gave JBS tax breaks while also doing personal business with them. The fact that senior members of the Bolsonaro administration are closely linked to JBS is a huge liability because the last president that got entangled with the Batista Brothers was Michel Temer, and it ended horribly. Globo, Jornal Hoje, Sep. 13, 2017: Joesley Batista, owner of JBS, had recorded the president, Michel Temer, in an embarassing conversation. France 24, Aug 2, 2017: In exchange for no jail time, Joesley Batista strikes a deal, providing information about bribing 1,829 Brazilian politicians. The Batista brothers admitted to bribing almost 2,000 politicians, spent roughly $150 million just in bribes and agreed to pay a fine of $3.2 billion, which is almost how much Facebook has to pay for destroying democracy. Shouldn’t it be, like, more? It should definitely be more.     JBS’ business practices continue to do environmental damage. They have been accused of buying cattle from illegally deforested land in the Amazon, even though they deny it and investigators recently arrested Joesley Batista again for allegedly bribing officials at Brazil’s agriculture Ministry. If that doesn’t make you sick, their beef just might. JBS bribed Brazilian food inspectors to give passing grades to spoiled meat. And on the U.S. side, their meat isn’t any better. ABC, Dec 4, 2018: A massive ground beef recall is now expanding. The USDA says the Brazilian company, JBS is now recalling more than 12 million pounds of ground beef shipped to stores across the U.S. This past year, JBS beef and chicken from the U.S. were found to have been contaminated with hard plastic, rubber and e-coli. All of which generally cost extra at Chipotle. But even before that, the US had banned all Brazilian beef imports, including JBS, indefinitely. Do you know how bad your meat has to be for Americans to notice? We thought Super Size Me was just a normal movie. No lessons. It actually just made us hungrier. The Amazon has never been more vulnerable. Between political corruption, Bolsonaro’s pro-business agenda and the incentives of agribusiness, the Amazon is going to keep burning. But there is some hope. The strongest blockade against deforestation isn’t more regulation or enforcement or fines, it’s people. Al Jazeera, Sep 27, 2017: The Javari Valley Indigenous Reserve… eight million hectares of Brazilian Amazon, the size of Austria. It’s home to the largest number of non-contacted tribes in the world, photographed only rarely from the air. There are nearly a million indigenous people in Brazil, and almost half of them live in the rainforest. Research shows that when indigenous people have legal and physical protection, so does the rainforest. Now, I know this looks like a map of the only school of vaccinated kids in Orange County, but… it’s actually a time-lapse of deforestation. The red is loggers and ranchers, and that part right there is protected indigenous land, and the only reason they stop is because these tribes are not fucking around. PBS News Hour, Sep. 13, 2018: The Guajajara Indians armed and in full camouflage, crouch down for an ambush. These vigilante patrols began six years ago as a way to battle the region’s powerful logging mafia. They call themselves “The Guardians of the Forest.” The Guajajara are one of 305 tribes that have official demarcated land that is legally protected by Brazil’s Constitution, but it is still a war for them. And look, I know, deforestation has been on the rise well before Bolsonaro, but no modern Brazilian president has ever been this hostile toward the indigenous. Jair Bolsonaro [2017]: There is not going to be a centimeter of land demarcated for indigenous reservations. [Globo News, Central Das Eleicoes, Aug. 3, 2018] Interviewer: You said recently that if it depended on you the Indians wouldn’t have even one… Jair Bolsonaro: …centimeter… Interviewer: …centimeter of land… Jair Bolsonaro: …centimeter, I said it wrong, not even one millimeter. I don’t know, racism sounds weird to me when you use the metric system. I mean, if they’re like, “Build the wall, one kilometer at a time.” I’d be like, I don’t… I don’t get it. Bolsonaro is not just dog whistling to his base. He is barking through a megaphone. On the night of Bolsonaro’s election in October, a hospital and a school on an indigenous reserve were fire-bombed and land invasion, when loggers and ranchers take indigenous land, that has increased 150%. DW, mar. 25, 2019: Protected areas borders are a thorn in the side of many farmers. They want their cattle to be able to penetrate the reserve. Raimundo Nogueira Alencar, Cattle Farmer: First of all, I believe in God and then in the words of our President Bolsonaro. He promised we would soon be able to enter the reserve. The department in charge of overseeing indigenous lands is an agency called Funai. On Bolsonaro’s first day in office, he took that function away from Funai and gave it to the Ministry of Agriculture. Remember? The same government agency that JBS paid off for years. And even now, Brazil’s Agriculture Minister wants to open indigenous land to commercial farming, but indigenous tribes are fighting back to defend their land, and no one has brought more attention to the movement in recent years than Sônia Guajajara. She’s a prominent activist for indigenous rights and was the first indigenous woman in Brazil’s history to run for vice president. So I sat down with Sônia and her translator to talk about her fight to protect the Amazon. Hasan Minhaj: Here in America, we’ve already destroyed all of our forests, and we raise millions of cows. So do we sound like assholes when we say, “Hey, Brazil. Don’t cut down your trees and don’t raise cows”? Sônia Guajajara: Now maybe you have to compensate for what was done here. Because when you cut your forests, it doesn’t harm only you. If you cut it in one place, it harms the entire world. Hasan Minhaj: But you’re saying we’re assholes? Sônia Guajajara: You are saying it and I’m affirming it. It’s true. Look, we’re assholes, all right? I admit it. America, we’re assholes. We still haven’t given Captain America a promotion. I mean… What does a guy have to do to become Major America? Now, for Sônia and her tribe, protecting their homeland gets more urgent every day. Sônia Guajajara: Deforestation, apart from it ending nature and the environment, it provokes a gigantic conflict between indigenous people and non-indigenous people. We already had several cases of indigenous people, guardians of the land, that were assassinated simply because they were defending their land.     Last month, tribes from around Brazil gathered in the capital for an annual march to protect indigenous rights and take on Bolsonaro’s policies. Bolsonaro has escalated the fight against the indigenous, but in many ways, he’s just adding to a dark chapter of Brazil’s history. 519 years after the Portuguese set foot in Brazil, it’s the same fight. On one side, are the people who live on the land and want to protect it. And on the other side are the people who see the Amazon as a resource to exploit. In Sônia’s lifetime alone, over 1,400 people have been murdered in Brazil because of land disputes, but she isn’t backing down. Sônia doesn’t just take on Bolsonaro in real life, she trolls him online, too. Hasan Minhaj: How did you get into the meme game? Let me guess, it was your son. Sônia Guajajara: Of course. my son has a big influence. Hasan Minhaj: I’ve seen a lot of your memes. You have the classic Pinocchio Bolsonaro meme, you have the golden showers dog peeing in Bolsonaro’s mouth meme, Sônia Guajajara: Sí. Hasan Minhaj: And then, of course, you’ve got this one. I honestly don’t know what’s happening here. So I wanted to help you with your memes. Is that okay? Sônia Guajajara: Claro. Hasan Minhaj: Okay. So, let me know what you think of these. This says, “When you’re Bolsonaro and you haven’t displaced an indigenous person in eight minutes.” This is Bolsonaro right here, and he’s getting one of those huge veins in his head. Where he’s like… It’s like if he doesn’t say anything about indigenous people, he looks constipated. Sônia Guajajara: I suppose he really would be like that because he talks about indigenous people every day. Hasan Minhaj: How about this one? “You can’t be jailed for corruption if climate change wipes out all the people.” Sônia Guajajara: This one’s not funny. Hasan Minhaj: It’s all good. This doesn’t work. The meme game is a volume business. Everything’s not gonna hit. You’ve seen the girlfriend meme, right? This is the Amazon rainforest. This guy over here, that’s the agribusiness lobby being like, “Oh, damn!” Okay? And this is oxygen, and oxygen’s like, “Hello. We’re together.” Sônia Guajajara: So what? Hasan Minhaj: What do you think of the meme? Sônia Guajajara: I don’t like this one. Hasan Minhaj: All right. How about this? This is Bolsonaro, he’s like, really staring at the Amazon. Super creepy. And the girlfriends like, “God, you’re such a dick.” Sônia, you posted a photo of a dog peeing in Bolsonaro’s mouth… Sônia Guajajara: I think these are good, but they’re not working for me. Alright, Sônia may not like my memes but… I don’t know. I wanted to take a page out of her playbook. I wanted to find a way to troll Bolsonaro and help at the same time. So we thought, “Why not buy a website?” Obviously, goldenshower.com was long gone. Goldenshowerpresident.com was also taken, probably by Michael Cohen. But we were able to get… goldenshowerpresidente.com. Like, how did Bolsonaro’s digital team not beat us to this? It’s just been there the whole time. If you go to goldenshowerpresidente.com, you can donate to organizations that help protect the Amazon and its people. Remember, it’s goldenshowerpresidente, The “e” is very important, because we’re trying to help the rainforest, not get you fired."
1686242445-290,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tiffany Haddish: Black Mitzvah (2019) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tiffany-haddish-black-mitzvah-transcript/,"[roaring cheers] [Haddish] People think they know everything about me. Well, here’s something they probably don’t know. [gong] [affirming yells] [audience whoos] [low cymbal roll] [clapping] [Haddish] ♪ Hava nagila ♪ [audience roars] ♪ Hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Hava nagila ♪ ♪ Hava nagila Venis mecha ♪ [audience whoos, claps] [“Hava Nagila” by Tiffany Haddish plays] ♪ Hava neranena ♪ ♪ Hava neranena ♪ [continued cheering] ♪ Hava neranena Venis mecha ♪ ♪ Tonight, tonight ♪ [audience clapping to beat] ♪ Let’s party ♪ ♪ Let’s party, let’s party, tonight ♪     [clapping to beat] ♪ They call me Tiffany ♪
 [whoos] ♪ And I’m here to say ♪ ♪ I’m gonna make you laugh Real hard baby ♪ ♪ When I do my thing, on the microphone ♪ ♪ Ain’t none of y’all going home alone ♪ ♪ You gonna leave with thoughts You gonna leave with this ♪ ♪ You might leave with a little pee on you, miss ♪ [laughing] ♪ I’m here to teach, so listen up ♪ ♪ Sometimes I’m good, sometimes I suck ♪ ♪ I’mma tell you about what happened in Miami ♪ Also gonna talk my granny and the Grammy’s ♪ ♪ How you let the boys Play in there is crazy ♪ ♪ Assure their hands are clean Don’t wanna foamy fanny ♪ ♪ Short play all the way up in my punani ♪ ♪ Parasites all up and listen, yes ♪ ♪ I’m a little bit of a scientist ♪ ♪ I’m an energy producer and I’m comin’ with it ♪ ♪ Sing “Ready, babe, Black Mitzvah, bitch” ♪ [loud cheering]
 ♪ Yeah ♪     ♪ It’s the Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ She ready ♪ ♪ Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ Yeah, it’s the Black Mitzvah ♪ ♪ She ready ♪ ♪ Black Mitzvah ♪ [clapping to the beat] ♪ Black Mitzvah, bitch ♪ [whoos] Master talk. [cheering, clapping] [whooping, screaming] [woman whoos] [cheering continues] That’s right. That’s right. [whooping] I’m Jewish. Mm-hmm. Everybody don’t know that about me. I’m Jewish and I hope that you are all here ready to celebrate tonight. Tonight is a celebration! [whoos of agreement] [clapping] ‘Cuz I have finally come into my full grown womanhood. I’m a grown-ass woman. [woman] Yeah! [cheering] Okay, I have survived the foster care system. [quick whoos] I have survived homelessness. [clapping] I even survived the Swamp Tour with the Fresh Prince while I was high as fuck. [whooping, laughing] So why not celebrate, huh? Here’s the thing. My father is from Eritrea. I don’t know if you ever heard of this place. It’s on the east side of Africa, [cheers] one of the most beautiful places. It’s the real Wakanda, baby. [rounds of whoos] There was a war there for 30 years. And my father was from there. He’s an Eritrean Jew. And he came here to America, met my mom at a gas station, and booyah! [roaring laughter] [clapping, whooing]     So tonight, welcome… to my black mitzvah baby! [euphoric screams] [clapping] [man whoos] [loud cheering] It’s where I’m from. I grew up right here in South Central Los Angeles. [whoos] Do you know how difficult it is to be black and Jewish in the hood? [audience laughs] I knew how to count but I couldn’t read that good. [laughing, whooping] [rounds of clapping, laughing] Y’all can sit down now if y’all want to. [laughs, whoos] And on that road, on that long road to womanhood, you know, I grew up in South Central Los Angeles and it’s a lot of lessons. [whoos of agreement] A lot of lessons that I had to learn the hard way because I really didn’t have no one particular person to raise me. The world raised me. And I’ve learned a lot of things. I’m here tonight to share with you. It’s my mitzvah. I’m here to teach. [whooing] [clapping] And one thing that I’ve learned is that [clicks tongue, clears throat] it was really hard for me to breathe after that little dance routine. [audience laughs] That little song and dance– ‘cuz I… [whoos] ‘Cuz see, what had happened was, uh, [uproarious laughter] I have stopped smoking cigarettes like 10 months ago, right? [round of whoos] And…yeah. [cheering, clapping] Thank you. I stopped smoking cigarettes and I started to… eat. [chuckles] [audience laughs] And my heritage started to kick in. [chuckling] You know how most people, they get houses, cars, things like that. Well, you know, [puffs in mic, laughs] my inheritance was that DNA. I inherited this ass. [cheering, clapping] And I ain’t gonna lie to you. I like my inheritance a lot! [audience screams with laughter] Oh, I love my ass. [whooping] [clapping] But I knew that if things are getting a little out of control when I would walk around the house with no panties on and I would hear round of applause. I would hear clapping. [audience laughs] I was like, who is clapping in here? Who is– who is clapping over here? It was my ass. It was my ass. [whooping] [rounds of laughing, clapping] [inhales, steadily exhales] [continued laughing] You know, what’s crazy is Ms. Tina, Ms. Tina Knowles-Lawson, Beyoncé mama. She had invited me– I got invited to her birthday party, right? But she didn’t invite me, somebody else had. They didn’t know I was gonna be there. So what happened was– [whooing, laughing] [clapping] I was at the birthday party, right? And Beyoncé had came in. And her suit was banging. And I was like, “Oh my God, this suit is amazing!” She said the suit was from Christian Siriano. I was like, “Christian Siriano made that suit? Oh, I know Christian Siriano. I’mma ask him to make me a suit too.” [audience chuckles] She’s like, “Okay.” So then… [audience howls] When he sent me the suit, right? He gave it to me fresh off the runway, right? I couldn’t even pull it up on my thighs or nothing. It didn’t fit. So I was like kind of devastated. So then I thought to myself, “Let me call Beyoncé mama. Just take a shot in the dark to see if she let me borrow that suit, right?” So I called Beyoncé mama. I said, “Hey, Ms. Tina, how you doing? [audience laughs] You know that suit that Beyoncé was wearing that night at the party, do you think that Beyoncé will let me borrow it?” She was like, “You know what’s crazy? She was talking about gifting that to you. But I don’t know if you going to be able to fit it. You know, Beyoncé had three kids and you didn’t have none.” I was like… [roaring whoos] Well… [rounds of clapping] We’ll see, you know. [audience cackling] We’ll see, I– [blows lips] Girl, I got a needle and thread. Don’t worry about that. [laughter] So then, she called Beyoncé. The next day, the suit is at my house. The suit is like at my front door. I was like, “Oh my God. Beyoncé is the most dopest person [uproarious cheering] in the whole wide world!” [whistling in agreement] Beyoncé is the epitome of women supporting other women. That’s girl power to the fullest, like, she supporting other women. That’s what I love about her, right? And then, I had put the suit on. And it fit me perfectly! It was a little loose in the titties ‘cuz I don’t have none. [audience laughing] But it fit me perfectly, right? It fit me perfectly. So then, I called Beyoncé mama, said, “Hey, Ms. Tina. It fit perfect. The suit fit perfect.” She was like, “It do?” I said, “Yeah, it was a little loose on the breast area but everything else fits perfectly.” And she was like, “For real?” I was like, “Yeah.” She was like, “Wow, I’m shocked.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Shots fired, Ms. Tina!” [audience laughing] [Haddish chuckles] So my homegirl’s like, “We should go to the gym. Let’s go to the gym. Like, your body used to be banging. You was a track star. Used to run cross-country, used to do all these things. Get that body back. Get back in the gym, Tiffany. Get back in the gym.” I said, “I became a comedian so that I could get fat if I felt like it bitch.” [roars of laughter] Stupid! [continued laughing] And yes, I’m drinking out of a plastic straw. [audience chuckles] ‘Cuz I’m a motherfucking rebel. [laughing, clapping] I know it’s illegal. [rounds of howling laughter] I can smoke some weed up here and that’s totally legal. But drinking out of the straw… [laughing, whooing] So bad. [continued laughing] [giggles] You looking like you want to call the police on a bitch. [audience whoos, laughs] But real shit, my friends were like, “Tiffany, you got to go to the gym. Come with us to the gym. Let’s go work out. Come on. Let’s go out. Let’s go to the gym. Let’s work out.” Fuck the gym! [audience roars with laughter] “Gotta get your cardio. Gotta get your cardio in.” Fine. I’ll get my cardio in. I’ll skip. [laughter] I’mma skip around the block two times [audience laughing] with my bonnet on. I’mma tell you right now, you can– I still stay in South Central Los Angeles. I can skip around my block no matter what time of day or night. Ain’t nobody finna fuck with no bitch that skip. [laughing, clapping] [whoos] [continued clapping] If ever you feel like danger is around. Bitch start skipping. [howling laughter] Ain’t no body ’bout to fuck with a bitch that skip! [whooping] I mean, either she fucking happy or she crazy! [audience laughs] If ever you’re driving down Crenshaw and you see a chick with a bonnet on, [hollering] cellphone in hand, and a full-blown skip, [audience clapping] [cackling] that’s me. [audience roars with laughter] [clapping, hollering] ♪ Do you know the muffin man… ♪ [Haddish laughs] [laughing, clapping] Full-blown skipper. [guffaws]  I’m here to teach. [cackling] And becoming a woman, I’ve learned a lot of things. I think I’m a scientist. Personally, [audience whoos] I think I’m a lightweight scientist. People always say, “Tiffany, when you first got money, what did you buy? What’s the first big purchase? Your first big purchase?” A motherfucking microscope. [whooping, clapping] I went straight to Amazon and I bought me a microscope ‘cuz I was like, “I need to see what the fuck is going on out here.” [laughter] Bought me a $325 microscope that I can hook up to my computer. I can take pictures of the bacterias and the germs and the parasites. [laughs, whoos] Then I can upload them to Google and I can find out exactly what the fuck it is. Dude come to my house. “Drink off this cup. Let’s see what happens.” [laughter] [chuckling] You can go home. I’ll see you in five to seven days. [whooping] I need to see what the fuck grow out of that motherfuckin’ mouth. [audience laughs] This mo’fucker got a yeasty-ass throat. [laughter] [hollering in disgust] [shrieking] [cackling] He said, “Gee.” Is that too much for you, sir? Is the science– Is the science too much for you? [cackling] Now you wanna know if you yeasty, don’t you? [uproarious laughter] Look at you. He’s like, “Haha-ha.” [laughing, hollering] Now that tongue a little white. [audience laughs] Might got some candidosis on that bitch. [laughing] Parasites is real though. Parasites is a real fucking thing. Parasites is a real thing. Every single one of us human beings, all of us, every human… We all got parasites inside of us. [laughter] It’s crazy like, we’re made up of like a billion million parasites. And then our minds, our minds is the government, right? And like, so the parasites like, listen to your mind. If you’re in control of your mind, then you can run everything up in here, right? But if you’re not in control of your mind, then the parasites run you. [whooping] [laughing] Let me say it again. [laughter] If you’re not in control of your mind, [continued laughter] the parasites run you. [audience whoos] So you gotta be in control of this right here. Now so… so like, for me anyways, you know, like… [clicks tongue] People be like, “Tiffany, you got an attitude.” No, I don’t got an attitude. My parasites got an attitude. [uproarious laughter] [clapping] [cackling] “Tiffany, Tiffany, you talk too much.” I don’t talk too much. My parasites talk too much. [whooping, laughing] “Tiffany, I don’t know. You’re a borderline alcoholic.” I’m not no alcoholic. [audience screaming with laughter] My parasite is an alcoholic. [cheering] They like the vodka. [fading claps] Anyway… [sighs] You have to work at it everyday, though. You gotta work at it every day. Some days the parasites, they just… [stammers] they fucking wild. They wild. I get tired. I get really tired ‘cuz I work really hard. You ever have like a really bad day at work? [whoos of agreement] Like one of them days you’re like, “Why did I wake up today? [chuckling] I should’ve stayed asleep on this day. I should’ve called in pregnant. That’s what I should’ve did.” [laughter] One of them days. I have one of them days last year. On the last day of last year was that day for me. It was a bad day. [laughing] It was one of them days when I was like, “Fuck.” [laughing continues] See, what had happened was– [howling laughter] Lemma tell you what had happened. What had happened was… Last year, I worked my ass off, like… [sharp exhale] I only had 40 days off. And out of those 40 days, I only slept in my actual bed 28. ‘Cuz I was fuckin’ the rest , ‘cuz… [laughing] Parasites. [whooping] [cheering, clapping] [woman whoos] And… [chuckles] Like, hold up– Y’all this mic pack is trying to fuck me in the ass. [roaring laughter] I just can’t, it is like… [stammers] And I got on the Spanx. It’s like cutting up the– [laughing] I’m ’bout to be molested up here. This is… [laughter] [stammers] I want to finish the joke. But if this mic pack touch my ass one more time… [laughing, clapping] That’s it. The parasites gonna have to do its business with this mic pack. [laughing] ‘Cuz I don’t know if y’all noticed, I ain’t got no boyfriend. Anything with a battery in it, I’m trying to fuck. [cackling] [clapping] [hollering] I’m trying to fuck it, y’all. [screaming laughter, whooping] Oh, mic pack! [audience laughs] Can you look at it? [giggles] It’s in there, boy. [laughter] I got that little arch on my back, so it slides down, slide, slide… Ah, it’s nasty. Feel like a dick just running up and down. [howling laughter[ It’s so hard. Yes. It feel like a hard dick. [laughing] The fuck I’m sayin’… Y’all should see how much Saran wrap I got on under this bitch. [cheering] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish laughs] [audience whoos] [Haddish chuckling] When I take this shit off, it’s gonna be like… [whooshing] [audience laughs] That’s right, white woman, sweep these floors. [laughter] That’s right. Clean up, clean up. That’s what I’m talking about. Yeah! [cheering] See how I do it, bitch? [Haddish sneering] [laughter] [audience whoos] [whooing intensifies] [clapping, whistling] [continued whooing] [woman] Yes! [clapping fading] So. [whooping] Thank you. I love you for loving me. I appreciate you. So let me tell you what had happened, so… [laughs] [audience laughing] So I’m at work, right? I’m at work on a movie set. The next day, I fly out to Miami, right? I fly out to Miami. I don’t know if you’ve ever been in Miami, but this is where the devil lives, okay? [uproarious laughter] I’m telling you, the devil live there. You gotta be careful there, okay? I didn’t know. I found out. So what had happened– So I get to the hotel. It’s late at night. It’s about ten o’clock at night when I get to my hotel. All my friends are in town, right? Because they all want to go to Tiffany Haddish’s New Years Eve show. Yay! It’s gonna be so much fucking fun, right? [audience laughing] It’s… They out there, they calling me, “Tiff, what you doing? What you doing?” I said, “I’m going to bed, man. I’m tired. I just flew in. I just left the set, I’m tired, I’m going to bed.” And then– Anybody got that one friend, that one friend that can motivate you to do shit -you ain’t got no damn business doing. [audience laughing] That friend that can make you move [drawn out] into doing things you know you’re gonna go to jail for. [audience laughs] You ever see that movie “Pinocchio”? [laughter] And then when Pinocchio was trying to go to school. He’s trying to be a good boy. Just a good little boy. And his friend came in, saying, “Let’s go have fun, let’s go do something cool. Let’s… He’s like, “Yeah, we go!” And they turned into fucking donkeys. They turned into jackasses. That’s what the fuck happened to me! [roaring laughter] My friend called me, she’s like, “Tiffany, come on, let’s go out.” I’m like, “Nah, girl. I gotta go to bed.” She’s like, “Tiffany, have you celebrated this year?” I was like, “What do you mean? Have I celebrated?” “Did you celebrate?” [laughing] “Celebrate what, bitch? What are you talking about?” [laughing] “Tiffany. You was the very first African American female stand-up comedian to host SNL. And you won an Emmy for that. [cheering] You won an Emmy for it! [continued cheering] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate, Tiffany?” I said, “No. I went to my next job trying to get an Emmy for that motherfucker.” [laughter] She said, “Okay. But you was in a movie with Kevin Hart and it made over a hundred million dollars. [audience whoos] You was in a movie that made a hundred million dollars. Did you go out to celebrate that, Tiffany?” I said, “No– You know what? Yes, I did. I celebrated by cashing that check from that movie that made a hundred million.” [whoos] That was my celebration. [clapping] Thank you. Check it! [laughter] She said, “But Tiffany, when you were 16, you could not read. You learned how to read. And then you wrote a book. And it came out and it was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. You did an audio book. And that was on the New York’s Best Seller’s list. And you got nominated for a Grammy for reading out loud, bitch! [uproarious laughter] Did you celebrate? Did you celebrate? [cheering] Gettin’ the Grammy for reading out loud. Do you know how inspiring that is to people that hate readin’? Bitch, there’s people out here who can’t see that can read. Now they finna be reading, to get Grammys!” [laughter] I said, “Girl. No, I’m not working on my Hooked on Phonics program so I can write a better book that’s more eloquent.” [audience laughs] She said, “Tiffany. It’s gonna be a gang of dick in the club.” I said, “You should’ve just said that in the first place!” [howling laughter] [clapping] [whoos] I was out there partying my ass off, dancing, drinking, drinking more than I ever drank in my whole entire life. I was drinking everything. Anything somebody handed to me, I was drinking it. Man, I was so messed up, my kidneys failed on me. I was… [sighs] I’m pretty sure I peed in the Uber. I know my Uber rating went down. [roaring laughter] Got me to the hotel. Boom, I went to sleep, right? They wake me up in the middle of the day, said, “Tiffany, you got to do a video. You got to do a video to let everybody know where you gonna be at tonight. Got to let everybody know.” And I said, “Oh, okay. But I don’t feel so good. [groans] I don’t think I should do it.” They said, “Get out in the sun. You can do it.” If you see this video, this video will tell you this is not gonna be a good show. [roaring laughter] This show is gonna be horrible. I didn’t know where the fuck I was gonna be performing at. It was bad. It was just a… It was another bad choice. It’s a bad idea. Just look. What up, y’all. This is me, Tiffany. [screaming laughter] I ain’t gonna lie to you, I’ve been out here in Miami since yesterday this night [whooping, clapping] or early this morning. And I partied. I partied all night. I can’t open my eyes, y’all. [laughter] Not even that, I partied all morning. I went to bed at seven. It’s whatever time it is right now. I’m up. [howling laughter] I’mma do the show tonight. New Year’s Eve. Uh-huh. I’m about to party. About to party some more! [laughing] Who comin’ to party with me? Who comin’ to ring in the New Year with me? It’s James… I don’t know the name of the place. I forget the name of the theater. [roaring laughter] Go to my website Tiffanyhaddish.com, you find out where it’s at. You can tell my breath stinks. James L. Knight Center Theater. -[laughing] – James L. Theater Center–Knight! [continued laughing] The Ciroc’s still in my system. The, the party’s gonna… The party’s gonna be so lit! Get your tickets, Tiffanyhaddish.com! [cackling] New Year’s Eve. Let’s go! Yeah! [uproarious laughter, cheering]     [whooping, clapping] She was not ready! [laughter] She not ready. Anybody with any common sense is gonna be like, “That show’s gonna be bad. She don’t even know where the fuck she at.” [laughing] Wind blowin’ through my partial weave, two tracks slapping in the back. [laughing] You can barely see it, but it’s back there flapping. Horrible. I go back to sleep. They wake me up, “Tiffany, it’s time to get to the theater. Get to the theater, “We gotta do your makeup.” I can’t sit up. I can’t sit up in the chair straight. They said, “Lay on the couch.” It was like they was getting me ready for my funeral. I was just laying there dead. [laughter] [howling laughter] I was dead. [continued laughter] I was dead! [cackling] I was dead! [whooping] Look at that. Trying to hold my coochie ‘cuz I think somebody’s gonna steal it! [uproarious laughter] That’s usually what happens when you sleep like that in public. [Haddish, audience laughing] [Haddish chuckling] [cackling] The shit is horrible! They wake me up. “Come on, come on, get up to the stage. Come on. You gotta get to the stage.” They get me to the stage. I hear them announce me. Right before the announcement, you know, the comic on stage was killing. They killing. I’m like, I’m sitting there. I’m hurting. I’m just… I’m like this. [laughter] [continued laughter] ‘Cuz my kidneys ain’t came back yet. They ain’t… They go, “Tiffany, you ready?” I’m like… “She ready.” [roaring laughter] [continued laughter] They said, “Pull yourself together. Come on!” I said, “Okay, okay.” Said, “You sold out this theater, Tiffany. You sold it out. You’re gonna knock this out the park. Come on.” “Okay. [whimpers] Okay, let’s go.” [laughter] They announced me. I come out. I walk out like ain’t shit wrong with me. [audience laughs] [howling laughter] [clapping] All these people standing up. Thousands of people. Over 4000 people standing on their feet, cheering for me. All these cellphone lights, 3000 cellphone lights up in the air, making it even brighter. And I’m looking out. And my soul looking out. [laughter] And my soul looked at me and said, “Bye, bitch.” [uproarious laughter] [clapping] I said, “Wait! [strained] Wait! Don’t leave!” She said, “Mm-mm, we don’t do cellphones. Cellphones be snitching. We don’t do that. [audience laughs] And that’s why y’all shit locked up till this day. [continued laughing] [clapping] Why y’all shit locked up.” [clapping fading] The next day, the next day, right? [laughs] The next day, I get home. I go to sleep. I wake up. When I open up my phone, it’s like on the front page of Google: “Tiffany Haddish bombs in Miami, does a horrible New Year’s Eve show. Oh my God, it’s horrible.” Right? I’m just like, “Oh, well.” I just tweeted, “Yeah, this happened. I’m so sorry. I’ll make sure I prayed on it. I’ll make sure this never happens again.” Right? And I leave it alone. Hours later, I started getting these phone calls. First, Kevin Hart calls me. [affected accent] “Tiffany! [audience laughs] You alright?” I said, “Yeah, I’m good.” “You sure?” I said, “Yeah, I’m sure.” He said, “You ain’t gonna kill yourself or nothing, are you?” I said, “No. Why would I kill myself?” “Shit. I’m just sayin’.” [blows lips] [chuckles] “What? [indistinct vocalizations] [hissing, coughing] [indistinct vocalizations] The fuck? Kevin? Are you dodging tennis balls? Why are you making this noise?” [audience laughs] “Just making sure you’re good.” “I’m good, Kevin. I’m good.” “All right. All right.” Click. He hanged up. Then I get a call– Oprah Winfrey. [audience whoos] Oprah Winfrey calls me. [affected, drawn out] “Tiffany! [roaring laughter] [clapping] I know that you’re gonna have better shows.” I said, “Thank you, Oprah. When we’re gonna start gardening?” “Gotta call you back. Bye!” [audience laughs] Then Martin Luther King called me. I said, “Well, God damn! [laughing] I’m bringing the dead back with my bad-ass show?” [howling laughter] [clapping, whooing] Now here’s the crazy thing. Here’s the crazy thing. Sinbad called me. Now, to me, that is fucking amazing. Sinbad! He’s a legend. And my mom, my mom is in love with Sinbad. When I was growing up, my mom was pretty mean to me, right? She used to say stuff to me like, “Dang, you bald-headed on the side. I can see your thoughts.” I’m like, “Damn, mom! [roaring laughs] You did my hair.” “Who dressed you? You look like a dirty little kid.” “You dressed me! You, mama!” [laughing] She said some mean stuff to me, like “You look like your ugly-ass daddy. You ain’t gonna be shit.” Well, look at me now, bitch. [cackles] [cheering] [clapping] I started thinking to myself, “My mama, she might be mean to me. But the only reason she’s mean to me is because she knows that I’m the better version of her. [laughing] It’s like she’s Pic ‘N’ Save, and I’m Big Lots. [roaring laughter, cheers] [Haddish laughs] She was in love with Sinbad. She used to talk about Sinbad all the time, right? So when he called me, my first thought was, “I should fuck Sinbad, get pregnant, and make my mama babysit.” [audience laughs] That’s the ultimate revenge right there. [laughing] But then I was like, “Nah, he probably too old.” [laughter] But then we started to talk, right? He said, “Tiffany, how you doing? How you holding up?” I said, “I’m good. I’m holding up good.” He said, “Let me tell you something. I had shows on New Year’s Eve too. And I did bad, man. Two shows. Both of them were really bad.” I said, “For real?” He said, “Yeah, man. But, you know, what’s crazy is, nobody talked about my show. So, you know what that means.” I said, “What?” He said, “Cuz you know, they all talked about you.” I said, “Yeah?” He said, “That means you made it. You a star.” [whooing, clapping] [cheering intensifies] [whoos] But it’s crazy ‘cuz like, [stammering] I’m so always like… I have a big heart. And I feel… I think I feel everything. Like, [clicks tongue] three weeks ago, I was asleep, right? Sleeping good. Then in the middle of the night, two o’clock in the morning, I wake up. And my heart was so hurt. I was just hurting. I don’t know why. And I went ahead, and I tweeted about it, right? I said, “I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why I woke up crying. But I feel much better now that I prayed about it. And I went back to sleep, right? When I woke up– This is how I know I’m famous. When I woke up, that shit was on the front page of my Google again, talking about “Tiffany Haddish claims depression. It says crying was cathartic.” I was like, “First of… [intensifies] What the fuck is ‘cathartic’? [audience laughs] Ain’t no body says shit about catharticism. Okay? I don’t even know what religion that is!” [roaring laughter] Then I looked it up and I was like, “Oh… [laughter] Okay, ‘cathartic’. Alright.” But I didn’t say I was depressed. And I know, I know what depression is, first-hand. I know. I was homeless three different times in my life. I know what the fuck depression is. And they even gave me medication for it. I’mma tell you right now, alright? I don’t like that medication. I don’t like it at all. I rather be moist and crazy… [exhales] [laughing] than dry and sane. That medication dry you up! [cheering, clapping] They dry you up! [whooing] Do you know how hard it is to walk fast when your coochie dry? [laughter] You ever see them older ladies try to cross the street? They had to hunch in like that. They crawled up like a shrimp. Like this, right here. [cackling] When they crawled up like that right there, that mean they coochie dry. [audience laughs] You gotta walk with your legs cocked open like this. You gotta walk slow. [laughing, clapping] ‘Cuz if you move fast, your coochie’s just gonna blow up. [puffs into mic] [laughing] It’s gonna catch on fire. Gotta put Carmex on your lips and shit. [whooing] [audience laughs] Sorry, that was funny to me. [laughter] I did that one time. It tingled too much. [screaming cackles] Carmex is not for your coochie lips, just so you know. [audience laughs] They should put that on the container. [laughing] But it was crazy to me ‘cuz people keep talking about it, they were talking about it like, “Oh, Tiffany’s claiming her depression.” And I was not depressed. I just felt hurt for a moment. And I cried and I think personally, me, I believe that crying is a removal of old beliefs and a replacement of new ones. You gotta remember, see, we were all born crying. That was your first mode of communication. That’s the first way you communicate, crying. Like babies, that’s their first way to communicate, right? Nobody goes, the baby be in the bed, sleeping. The baby’s like– [wailing] [giggling] Nobody’s like, [laughing] “That baby is manic. [continued laughing] Somebody get that baby some Paxil, please.” [howling laughter] [clapping] [chuckles] But nobody says those babies need therapy. Nobody says those babies need any kind of drugs. All they say is “Hold the baby. Love the baby. Talk to the baby. Communicate with the baby.” So what does that say that we need? Somebody to hold us sometimes, love on us, communicate with us. [cheering] And then maybe, [whooing] maybe you won’t feel so fucked up! [audience laughs] [uproarious cheers] Any questions? I’m here to teach. [audience laughs] Speaking of babies, I was at this party, right? I was at this party and it was popping. And Drake’s dad was there. I don’t know if y’all seen Drake’s dad. [woman whoos] You know who Drake is, right? The rapper? Well, his dad was at the party, so was Drake. But his dad was there. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seen him, but he looked like the black Inspector Gadget. [laughing] Mixed with Super Fly. [whooing] And he was talking to me. He was like, “Tiffany, you got a very bright career ahead of you. You plan on having any kids? You plan on having any babies? I was like, “Ah, I don’t know. If God want me to, maybe in the next two or three years. Maybe. Otherwise, I’ll just adopt. Get some foster kids or something like that.” He said, “Well, you let me know. [laughing] Let me know. I make stars. You know, Drake is my son. Heh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I know. Hold on one second, Mister Gadget.” [laughter] “Drake. Drake. Drake, Drake! Drake! Drake.” [laughing] He’s like, “What, Tiff, what?” [clears throat] “Can I talk to you for a sec? Come here. Let me talk to you for a second.” He was like, “What? What’s up?” “Look here, Drake. [stammers] I would much rather be your baby mama… than your step mama. Get your daddy, n*gga. [roaring laughter] Get your daddy! [whooing] Get him!” [cheering, clapping] You know what’s crazy, is like– One of the things that I learned in life is like how to survive, right? Like I’m a survivor. [giggles] Mm. [laughs] [laughing] [chuckles] And when I was younger, it was so crazy ‘cuz like I would hook up with dudes ‘cuz I was like so hungry. I weighed like a hundred pounds and I was starving. And I would like, you know, go out for dinner and lunch, and breakfast, and… [audience laughs] [laughs] I was hungry. And… I’d be like, “Oh shoot, my cycle late. Oh my God, what am I going to do? And then I would just go to Six Flags and I would get on every roller coaster [laughing] like six or seven times and I drink a fifth of Hennessy. And… [laughter] Then my cycle would start. That’s how you do… [whooing] an abortion on a budget. [cackling] [clapping] That was the late 1900s. [giggles] [continued laughter] [Haddish exhales slowly] Yup. But it’s not even a joke. It’s the truth. That’s when… [clapping] That’s what you learn in foster care, thinking like, “How am I gonna get rid of this!” I can’t afford Planned Parenthood. [audience laughs] “You got Coca-Cola cans?” “Yeah. Six Flags.” [roaring laughter] [clapping] [cackling] I don’t think either one of these companies is gonna sponsor me. [laughing, whooing] But I ain’t got no kid! [laughs] [audience laughs] [continued laughing] It’s what happens when you raise yourself. It’s the shit I learned, man. It’s the things I’m just here to teach. [laughing, clapping] [cheering] One of the valuable lessons I learned in life that I think every woman should know is, you know… Never let anybody with dirty hands touch your cuckoo. [laughter] I learned this lesson the hard way in life. I learned it the hard way. I was about 17, right? I was on the school bus, alright? It was after the track practice, and this boy I liked or whatever, and he is like, you know, we was making out. He’s like, “Can I touch your coochie?” I was like, “Okay.” [audience laughs] And I let him touch it. Next day, I was itching like a motherfucker. [laughing] I was itching bad. I was like, “Oh, shit. Something’s wrong.” And I went to my homegirl and I was like, [inhales] “Girl, [cackles] I think he gave me AIDS.” [howling laughter] She was like, “What’s wrong?” I said, “My coochie itching really bad. I’m pretty sure it’s AIDS.” She was like, “No, Tiffany. I heard my mom talking about this. You just need to put– It’s something white. Yeah, mayonnaise. Put mayonnaise on. [screaming laughter] I was like, “What?” She was like, “Yeah, put mayonnaise on it.” So I went home. I put mayonnaise on my cuckoo. [audience laughs] I went to sleep. When I woke up, my left coochie lip was gone, y’all. [screaming laughter] [clapping] My whole left lip was gone. My right lip was on super swole. I was like, “Uh-oh. I’m growing a penis. [cackling] I’m going through the change.” [continued laughing] So I thought, “Or maybe… Okay, maybe I’m not going through the change. Maybe it’s just an infection. What Grandma say if you get an infection? Oh yeah, put some peroxide on it.” [audience oohs] So… [blowing hard into mic] [audience laughs] My coochie looked like it had rabies. [laughing] I was foaming. It was bad. [chuckles] [continued laughing] I went to her, she’s like, “Girl, you stupid.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Nobody raised me, bitch! I’m just going off things that I hear from other people! [laughing] This is why I’m glad there’s the Internet now. This was the 1900s. The bitch didn’t know no better. [laughing, clapping] [continued laughing] [Haddish snickering] It was so bad. I went back to sleep. I went to bed to sleep. When I woke up, my right coochie lip looked like it was a hot dog in the microwave for too long. [audience laughs] [screaming laughter] We’re not gonna show that image. [roaring laughter] [clapping] [whoos] Turns out I just had a yeast infection on steroids. So what did we learn from this? Dirty nails, dirty D. That motherfucker can’t touch me. [laughing] And… [clapping] Don’t put mayonnaise on your pussy. [chuckles] [audience laughs] [clapping, cheering] You know, when I was homeless in the city full of my family members, right? And this is the thing, like, now that I’m successful, family members feel like they could just ask me for money. Just ask me, just like, like I owe them. Like, wait, hold up, bitch. [laughing] When I was sleeping in my Geo Metro two-door hatchback and it was middle of winter, and I asked if I could come over and sleep on your couch and you told me no. [shouts of affirmation] Why do you think I’mma give you a dime? [audience laughs] “Because blood is thicker than the cold.” No, it ain’t, bitch! [gruff] I’m still cold in my heart. [laughing] I ain’t forgot! [cheering] I ain’t forgot! Wait till I get Alzheimer’s and then ask me for some shit. [audience laughs] [Haddish giggles] That’s how I feel. ‘Cuz I work my ass off. I work really, really, really hard. [woman whoos] And I work so hard because I want to bless the ones that did look out for me. Like my granny, she looked out. So now she needs a little help, I got her staying in my house. And you know, [chuckles] I love her to death, but she is a major cock-blocker. I can’t even have sex in my house. [audience laughs] She’s a super cock-blocker. I didn’t block no cock from her. But… [laughing] Nam sayin’? She had five kids, four baby daddies. Ain’t nobody stop her. [roaring laughter] [continued laughing] Let me bring a man in the house, she hear a man, she in there clappin’ like it’s church Sunday or somethin’. She– [laughs] And then we talking like, “Yeah, so, ah, so, ah, you… you wanna make out? He’s like, “Oh yeah.” Starting touch on my waist. And then you hear my grandma: [popping claps] [audience laughs] [yelling] “What y’all doing up in there? Bring me in. Let me look at it!” [laughing, clapping] [stammering] “You, you live– You live with somebody?” “She live with me.” [audience laughs] [cackling] Always blocking! That’s why I ain’t had no dick all last year. [laughter] [Haddish snickering] It’s all good. I’m fixing up her house. I’m actually trying to buy her a house just so I can put her in there so I can get some dick in mine. [audience laughs] [clapping, whooing] I’m dead fucking serious. [giggles] It’s not a joke. [laughter] [Haddish chuckles] A lot of my– Since I’ve been getting popular, you know, a lot of my exes have been popping up. A lot of my exes have been popping up and what I have realized is that like I don’t know what it is about my vagina, but… [sighs] These dudes, they don’t want to get they life straight. They don’t get they life together, but they all get braces. [howling laughter] And I’m trying to figure out what is it about my pussy that make you decide once we break up, “I’mma get my teeth together.” [laughing] It’s always the dudes I think got money but they don’t got no damn money. [audience laughs] And I’m not — I figured out what my favorite kind of man is. It used to be like a fit man with abs and stuff, you know, like I used to love that but I realized they are fucking broke. [laughing] That’s why they got abs. [audience laughs] They hungry just like I was. [laughter] And it’s hard to fuck a skinny dude. Like I love to ride. I’mma rider! I’mma rider! [laughs] [cackling] [clapping] Sometimes you be riding on a skinny guy, he got a flat-ass belly and shit. Them bones. Them bones be rubbing up against your thighs, make it look like you’ve been pole dancing all night and shit. [cackling] All bruised up in this motherfucker ’cause he’s so god damn skinny. [Haddish giggles] I like how some woman in the back was like, “Shit!” [laughter] ‘Cuz she just fucked a skinny dude yesterday. [audience laughs] This bullshit here. That shit be hurting! But they do have D, though. And you trying to ride. You’re like, “I’mma sit on this…” [laughter] You be tryin’ to ride you like, “Yeah.” But they so fucking skinny, they ain’t got nothing to stop you from sliding up to the front [laughing] and busting him in the mouth, like, “Well, there you go. Go on and eat that. That’s for you right there. That’s fast food. I’m up here at your mouth already, might as well open up.” Ah… [roaring laughter] That’s why I prefer like a more heavyset dude. Like a dude with a little gut on ’em. That’s what I prefer, a little belly. Little… [blows raspberry] [audience laughs] Look like he got a lot of parasites. [laughing] Bloated like you, sir. [whooing] First off, I know you can cook. [audience laughs] I know I ain’t gonna be hungry. [chuckles] And you got that little belly on you. Mm… [laughter] That’s that coochie bumper. That keep you from falling off. [laughing] Get on that. You can lay down. He lay down like that. He put that mofuka up. [Haddish exhales] [laughter] “There you go your dick, there it go. Okay. [Haddish laughs] [audience laughs] [soft voice] Okay, there it go. I’m feeling now. Hey dick…. [audience laughs] You ready to disappear in this pussy?” [laughing] He’s like, “Stop playing and get on that mofuka.” “Alright.” [laughter] You climb up on that shit like you on a ride at Six Flags. “Okay.” [laughing] You lock in right there. He let that belly down. Pop! That land on your thighs. [howling laughter] Now you can’t move, bitch. All you can do is this. Right here. That’s it. ‘Cuz that belly hold you down. [screaming laughter] [cackling, clapping] “Ooh…” [laughs] [audience laughs] You riding on that dick like, “Whee! [laughing] Now come on, suck on my titties.” He’s like, “Whoever titty’s the biggest gets sucked on first.” Like, “Shit!” [audience laughs] [whooping] [Haddish puckering] When you really take the time to really look at a penis, it’s nothing but a vagina that fell out. [laughter] [continued laughter] I mean, if you really look at it, you can tell. Like… The testicles are the ovaries. The sack is the uterus. The shaft is the vaginal canal. And the tip is a clitoris. Your pussy fell out. [cackling, cheering] [clapping] Scientific proven fact. It’s a fact. Every single one of us humans, we start out as female. The first three months, you start out as female. Then the chromosome kicks in. That’s why God felt bad for y’all, men. God felt bad and gave you strong arms and strong legs. [laughter] So you can hold on to things ‘cuz you couldn’t hold onto your pussy. So. [howling laughter] He felt bad. [continued laughter] [whooping, clapping] [Haddish snickering] [sighs] My favorite part is to watch a man sleeping with no clothes on and just to look at his balls. [audience laughs] Balls never ever stop moving. Balls are always in motion. [laughing] They never stop moving. That’s how– If I’m like, “Oh, is he dead?” I just look at his balls. I don’t even check to see if he breathing. [cackling] Balls be like this… [roaring laughter] [whooing] [continued laughter] When you get close to them, if you get close, all the wrinkles come out. They’ll be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] [clapping] If you move back, they’ll be like, “Why did you leave?” Looking like elephant knees and shit. [laughter] That’s just some of the things I’ve learned in life. [laughing] Knowledge. [laughs] It’s so stupid, but I feel like, later on, like in the next month or so, y’all gonna reflect back on that, like, “That was really good knowledge.” [audience laughs] [clapping] That– that is helpful. [cheering] Are you praying for me, sir? [chuckles] He’s like, [gruff] “Oh, shit.” [laughter] [Haddish laughs] [audience laughing] You know religion is something that, to me, I’m always trying to figure it out religion, right? Like, I’ve tried them all. I literally have tried all the religions, okay? I tried Scientology and I realize I can’t fuck with that. They got bunk beds. I don’t do bunk beds. [audience laughs] Catholicism, I tried that. But they get up and down too much. And then the wine ain’t real. They givin’ you grape juice and shit in like fake-ass paper crackers. Where the fuck is the seasoning? [laughter] Jehovah Witness. I like Jehovah Witnesses because for your– Like, first off, you get exercise ‘cuz you walking around from door to door, right? And they give you the best butterscotch candies ever. [audience laughs] [Haddish chuckles] Some people know what I’m talking about, some people are like, “They give out candy?” [audience laughs] For every Watchtower you get a butterscotch. [laughter] That’s when I was a kid. And through all of that, [stammering] I realized like, Judaism, I love it, but you have to know Hebrew. You have to know this. You gotta be a certain way. You gotta do all these things. And I’ve been to like over 500 bar mitzvahs. And I’m tired of people telling me to go to the kitchen. “No, motherfucker, I’m supposed to be here.” [howling laughter] [exasperated exhale] So now I’m just, I’m spiritual. I’m very spiritual, okay? I’m a spiritual person. [cheering] [clapping] But there’s something that’s really been bothering me a lot. And I don’t know if y’all noticed this, but have y’all seen these billboards all over the cities? Like no matter what city I go to, no matter where I’m at, I see billboards for the Shenyun. [audience laughs] The Shenyun. Has anybody ever been to this Shen– Is this a religion or a cult? What the fuck is a Shenyun? [laughter] Has anybody ever seen this? Has anybody? Oh, you been? I went to look them up on YouTube to see like what do they do at the Shenyun. Maybe they got a video or a little advertisement. And I was like watching. And I was like, “Oh, they just dance? That’s it? They just dance? I could be in the Shenyun.” Now, I would love to be the first… ‘Cuz like every black person wants to be the first black person to do something. [laughter] So I want to be the first African-American Jew to be in a Shenyun performance. [audience laughs] [roaring laughter] [clapping] That’s one that’s on Crenshaw. That’s on Crenshaw. [continued laughter] You can see that billboard on Crenshaw and 48th. [giggles] [laughing] That’s me in the Shenyun. It’s crazy, speaking of dancing, like, I’ve always wanted to be like a professional dancer. And when I was younger, a bunch of my friends, they started like dancing in the strip club, right? And this is when we was kind of poor, and I was like a hundred pounds. And I was like, “Oh, man, they was making money.” I thought maybe I can get in there and get on the pole. I could dance, right? [audience laughs] So it’s like… I said, “I’mma audition. I’mma audition for, you know, be a stripper.” [laughs] [laughter] And I went in that audition, I was like… [humming tune] [howling laughter] [clapping] They was like, “Get your ass off the stage.” [laughs] Apparently pop-lockin’ and moonwalking is not stripper dancing. [laughter] And then I was like, “Can I be a waitress?” They was like, “Hell no. You probably gonna steal the food.” And they was right. [audience laughs] So then I would just hang out with my homegirls and pick up they money for them or whatever and just like be there with them. And as I was there, I started to realize like the laziest strippers will make the most fucking money. [laughter] Lazy-ass ain’t-doing-shit-ass strippers. Y’all wanna see my impersonation of a lazy stripper? [cheering] [whooing] DJ, kick that music. [“Too Much” by Tiffany Haddish playing] [audience cheering] [laughter] [clapping, laughing] [cheering] [laughter] [“Too Much” continuing] [indistinct vocals] [laughing] [howling laughter] [cheering, clapping] [continued laughing] [cackling] [clapping] [roaring laughter] [cheering] [clapping] [whooing] [cheering] [whoos] That’s a lazy stripper, y’all.     [“Too Much” fading] Thank y’all for the few dollars. [cheering] [man whoos] I ain’t giving that shit back neither. [audience laughs] You know what? In closing, I’d just like to say, thank you to every single one of y’all that came out here this evening. [uproarious cheers] Thank you to every single one of y’all that came out. Thank you to every single person that’s sitting at home watching this. I’m only on this planet to teach. I know my purpose. I’m here to teach. Maybe it’s not the proper way to teach [laughter] but fuck it, you’re gonna learn today. [clapping, cheering] I’m Tiffany Haddish. Good night. [yelling] She ready! [“Too Much” playing] [cheering continues] [whooing] [indistinct vocals] [clapping, cheering continuing] [“Too Much” playing] ♪ Whoa ♪ ♪ Walk it out, turn around ♪ ♪ Drop it low, hit the ground ♪ ♪ Break it down ♪"
1686242884-395,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-presents-friends-who-kill-transcript/,"[rock music] [announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr. All right, what’s going on? How are you? Good evening. Good evening and welcome. Welcome to this wonderful evening of stand-up comedy. All right, you guys have great energy. I like that. I’m liking the energy already. It’s safe to say I guess the pandemic’s over? It kinda is, right? I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore, so basically, it’s over, right? It killed all the weak people, you know? The strong people are here to survive. The fatties are gone, the asthmatics, people with lisps. None of ’em made it! But you guys survived. Yeah, you guys survived. Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch of people, but I gotta be honest. Have you really noticed? I mean, you drive down the highway, there’s still traffic. I thought it was gonna be like, “Wow! Holy shit, a lot of people died. That’s so sad, but fucking awesome, all at the same time!” I gotta be honest though, I saw a lot of you youngsters didn’t wear masks. I got upset at first, but then I did the math. I understand why you didn’t wear ’em. You know what I mean? You knew you were gonna survive. Right? You went to college. You bought the dream. You left with the debt and there was no jobs. So you played the only card you had. Get COVID and breathe on somebody older with a corner office. That’s what you do, all right? Power is not given away. It has to be taken. And people have to die, historically speaking. People have to go. You know what did amaze me during all of this? Was the amount of shit that doctors got from non-doctors… slash complete fucking morons. People who had to go to summer school. “According to my Internet research, if you take a little bleach, vitamin D and aspirin…” And people are like, listening to ’em. Like, my favorite heckle doctors got from people was, like, “Dude, what’s the last thing they even cured? What? Fucking polio?” It’s like, “No. HPV.” They just came out with a vaccine for HPV. No more warts on your dick. We should be carrying these people around on our shoulders. Thank you… for not having to make me go down to the doctor. And be like, “That’s not a birthmark, is it?” Or even worse, you’re too shy to go, so you try to do self-surgery with a frozen Bud Light can. “Stick it on there, freeze it off!” Bud Light, one of the big sponsors of this comedy tonight. They say that, “What was the last thing they cured?” How about AIDS? Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody. You get it from fucking. It was over. Now look at it. Now you can get it, they give you one pill. It doesn’t even show up on a test! You can go out and bang somebody, no condom, they don’t even get it! According to my Internet research! Don’t listen to me, but I think that’s what I overheard in a bar. “What’s the last thing they cured?” Do you know what fake legs looked like when I was a kid? Huh? First of all, there was only one color, it was like Band-Aid color. And everybody knew you had a fake leg. You’re fucking walking down the street and everybody… “He’s got a fake leg! What do you think happened?” Motorcycle accident, fell down a flight of stairs, got impatient with a woodchipper. Right? Everybody knew you had a fake leg. Now, if you have fake legs, you’re not allowed to compete with people with real legs in the Olympics, because not having legs is now more of an advantage than having real legs. Doctors make better legs than God. All right, your calves, and your feet flopping around, are no match for a couple of sickles. These people just skiing down the fucking street. You get ’em by some train tracks that go downhill, you’re never gonna see ’em again! I enjoyed people being their own doctors. I loved it. Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves. There’s too many of us, it’s fantastic. All right, this is a weird thing to say in LA, but I’m really into guns. I do. I love guns. I don’t own a gun, I didn’t grow up with them, so, I know that I’m an idiot, so I’ll probably kill myself, but I don’t have a problem with guns, you know? Liberals gotta quit trying to take away conservative people’s guns, they just gotta stop doing that shit. Because when you try to take away their guns, then you get them in a corner where they gotta start defending everybody with a gun. You know? Like that fucking idiot, Rittenhouse, right? That moron. And they’re gonna sit there like, “No, he’s a bright guy. He was a good guy with a gun.” My favorite thing about that was why did he go up there? It’s like, “Well, he loved his town. He loved it.” It’s like, “Oh, yeah, when it snows out, does he show up with a shovel?” “Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty. Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk. My goodness.” I’ll tell ya, that guy went there to feel threatened. And he felt threatened and he fucking killed two people. Turns out the two people he killed were a convicted child molester, and a skateboarder. Two of the most annoying people in society. So as dumb as this kid is, he somehow went two for two. Unbelievable! It’s like when they bring some fat guy out of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game, “You hit this half-court shot, fatty, you could win a Dodge– fucking Durango.” “All right.” [shouts] [blows air] “Nothing but net! Holy shit!” Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice, “I got the other side! Bam! Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!” People try to say his mother drove him to the riot. I don’t believe that, I think that’s some liberal horseshit they made up. I just can’t imagine that conversation going down like that. Like, she’s sitting at home, hears him upstairs and is like, “Honey! Honey, what are you doing? You going out tonight? What are you doing?” “Going to a riot.” “Do you want a ride?” “All right, but you gotta drop me off like two blocks away, so my other racist friends don’t see my mommy drove me.” “All right, are you gonna wear a jacket?” “Mom!” “Don’t yell at me the way your father did! And bring your AR-15. I’ll see you in the car.” I don’t know about that dude. Only thing I can say about that dude is I hope he never does a 23andMe. Okay, because with those big pouty lips I don’t think he’s gonna like the results. Then he’s gonna have to go down to the hideout, knocking on the door, “Come on, man, I’m like 91% you.” “Und the Führer only accepts 100% percent Caucasian!” All right, give yourselves a round of applause, everybody! [applause] We’re gonna keep this show going. We’ve got nothing, nothing but killers on this show. You guys are an awesome crowd, and I can’t think of a better way to start this show. This is one of my favorite joke writers out there. She’s written for all the late-night shows, even performed for a president, and she’s here tonight for you. Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf! Come on, everybody! [cheers and applause] Give it up for Bill! [cheers and applause] You know, we’re both redheads, I don’t know if this is a show or a fetish. I, um, I want women to get ahead. [light whooping] Yeah, we only needed four. I want women to get ahead, but I just don’t know if it’s gonna happen. Because, uh, we’re not good at it. Like, we have the first female vice president, and everyone got really excited. They were like, “Now little girls everywhere, little girls everywhere will know it’s possible.” Yeah, little girls everywhere else already knew it was possible. America’s like the last place to have a female leader. She’s not even really… the leader. We’re like, the last place to have a female leader. Kosovo’s been a country for 13 years, they’ve already had two female leaders. Germany had Angela Merkel for I don’t know how long, long enough for me to know it’s “An-guh-lah.” Myanmar’s one of the least developed countries in Asia. It’s had a female leader who’s been overthrown by the military twice! And each time, that little Asian lady claws her way back up to the top. She is definitely not a white woman. She would’ve just stayed down and been like, “This is not fair.” “Little girls everywhere…”     Some people make the argument, they’re like, “Well, some people just need to see it happen to know it’s possible.” All right, well then, you’re not a leader. That’s like the exact opposite definition of a leader. Like, “Guys, I’m gonna show you the way, if you could just– if I could follow you maybe.” And use that anywhere else, you’re in school. You’re in school, you’re looking at someone’s paper, and they’re like– the teacher comes up to you and she’s like, “What are you doing?” And you’re like, “I just need to know it was possible.” “Little girls.” And they only do this when good things happen to women. They don’t do this when bad things happen to women or when women achieve bad things. You know, like when 2 Girls 1 Cup came out, no one was like… “Now little girls everywhere…” I make fun of white women a lot. But only because it’s fun and easy. You know? And white women, we blame a lot of stuff on white men. We blame a lot of stuff on white men, which I think is a little bit crazy because we did make you. It’s just made me very sure of one thing. White women should never be allowed to make robots. Before you get all, like huffy, I’m not saying you can’t make robots, although I doubt it a little bit. I’m not– I’m just saying you should never be allowed to make robots, because if robots get out of hand and start taking over everything and being real evil, white women will be like, “Well, I don’t know, I just love ’em.” “I mean, not my robot.” Not all white women are bad. Some white women really do try to put in the work. They try to do good things. You know, like, uh, two summers ago, we realized that Black lives matter. Then we fixed it. We did. Waiting till two summers ago to realize Black lives matter is like needing to see that documentary to know SeaWorld is bad. Like, “Did you know whales shouldn’t live in a sink?” But white women, they really put in the work, you know? We protested. We made signs. We really tried. But then something terrible happened to a lot of white women. Something terrible happened to us. Some of us realized that we’ve actually been racist this whole time. We were shocked! We were so shocked, we pulled our purse closer. But after that, we were like, “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And all jokes aside, I think that’s the only way forward for us as a society. You can’t change the past. All you can do is better moving forward. And I think that’s what we should try to do. [cheers and applause] Except… that’s almost exactly the same thing men said about #MeToo, and we found that answer completely unacceptable. Men were like, “Us? The whole time?” “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And we were like, “No! Not good enough! You all have to die! It doesn’t matter what you did, you could’ve raped somebody or accidentally whispered into a boob. It’s all the same! And you have to die!” #MeToo was the worst-run movement I’ve ever seen. We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart. We crashed it immediately. It should’ve been a conversation. We needed to have a conversation about these things, and you weren’t even allowed to ask questions. And I know men had questions, because I had questions. Like I’d hear some women say something that was a #MeToo, and I’d be like, “Hey, the thing that you just said is a #MeToo, is actually a thing that I like.” So how do we tell men about that? Some women would be like, “Men shouldn’t use their power to have sex.” And then other women would be like, “I like it when men use their power to have sex.” And then men were like, “Can you tell us which one you are? And we were like, “No! But for different reasons.” Some women would be like, “This man, he hit on me at work. It made me uncomfortable. That’s harassment.” It’s like, “Okay, so do you want no one to hit on you at work?” “No, I only want the men who I want to hit on me to hit on me at work.” “Okay, do you wanna make, like, a list of who they are?” “No, I’m mysterious.” “Well then, buckle up, Nancy Drew, you’ve got some uncomfortable times headed your way.” White women, we do this all the time, we say, “You made me uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable.” Like we’re supposed to be comfortable. I’ve never been comfortable once in my entire life. When I’m about to fall asleep, at my most relaxed, when I’m about to fall asleep, my body jerks awake, like, “Never rest, bitch!” We say everything makes us uncomfortable– men, women– We say women make us uncomfortable. That’s the one I hate the most. We say women of color, all the time, we tell them they make us uncomfortable. Like, a couple of years ago, at the Super Bowl, we say J. Lo and Shakira made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Janet Jackson made us uncomfortable. I think a lot of white women only see women of color at the Super Bowl. They’re like, “This show is different than Friends.” But this one makes me so mad, because this one, women, we say it’s family values. We say, “How dare those women move their hips like that in front of my children and my husband. It’s immoral.” I don’t think that’s the word you meant. I think you meant “jealous.” “How dare you show my husband how hips can move like mine can’t.” You ever seen a white woman try to twerk? You ever seen it? It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk as a real boy for the first time. Just like… “Am I doing it?” Thank you, guys, very much. I’m Michelle Wolf, have a good night. [cheers and applause] [Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody! Michelle Wolf, come on! Killing it, killing it. All right, you guys hanging in there, you’re having a good time, right? Just keeps getting better. All right, this next guy comes all the way from London, England, one of the biggest comics out there, he has a great special out called His Dark Material on Netflix, please welcome the one and only Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on! [cheers and applause] Nice. Okay. Thank you, thank you very much. Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jimmy Carr. It’s great to be with you here this evening. I’ll tell you why it’s great to be here. We’re drinking, my friends, in the Last Chance Saloon. What I’m saying onstage tonight is barely acceptable now. In ten years’ time, fucking forget about it. You’re gonna be able to tell your grandchildren about seeing this show. Yeah. You’ll say, “I saw a man, and he stood on stage, and he made light of serious situations. We used to call them jokes. And people would laugh.” And your grandchildren will ask, they’ll say, “Non-binary elder.” [laughter] “Non-binary elder, what’s a joke?” And you’ll say, “You are.” I say you can joke about anything, but not with anyone. I think with you good people this evening, I should be fine, right? [audience cheers] Well, let’s see, shall we? We’ll put that to the test. Having sex is like riding a bike… my uncle taught me when I was a kid. People say the best things in life are free, but those people have clearly never had sex. I like it when the girl puts the condom on for you, but I was asked to leave the pharmacy. My girlfriend doesn’t think that her sister is trustworthy, but believe me, that girl can keep a secret. Is anyone here in a controlling relationship? Raise your partner’s hand. Yes. I want One Direction to do a BTS covers medley at my funeral, because that way, I’ll be glad I’m dead. Now, you might think this is silly, but I assure you it’s absolutely true. When Zane left One Direction, for me, it was like 9/11. Yeah, I didn’t care about that either. Well, there’s a real generational divide there, I can see… Some people are looking at me like, “9/11, steady on.” And other people are looking at me like, “One Direction, don’t take their name in vain!” I was actually supposed to be on one of the planes on 9/11. But the more interesting story is how I met Osama. When you’re young, pedophiles are something to laugh at, the local creep. But then you grow up, have your own kids, with their own unique personalities and quirks and difficulties, and it suddenly hits you. “What the fuck do these pedos see in these little shits?” I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation, would you like to see it? [audience cheers] Okay, I just need a young volunteer who can keep a secret, come on up. Yeah. What are you getting up for? Wait a second, this is a teachable moment. If a grown man beckons you forth, as he undoes his flies, this is some stranger danger, son. What’s your name?     Mikey. [Carr] Mikey. Let’s hear it for Mikey, everyone. That– because, you know why? That is commitment to a night out at a comedy show. That is a young man that’s thought to himself, “Oh, it’s the bit in the show where I suck his cock. Great!” Everyone loved Michael Jackson in the ’80s, right? He was the coolest guy in the world. Coolest guy in the world, bar none. And really, the high point of that cool was the moonwalk at the Grammys. Remember that? People lost their minds at how cool it was, when really, the moonwalk was no more than– it was that. I know I’m not nailing this, but that was the gist of it, right? That was the coolest shit we’d ever fucking seen! Of course, we didn’t realize at the time, it had been developed for sneaking in and out of children’s bedrooms. We had no idea. It’s so obvious now. Now, I’ve never fucked a kid. I nearly did just then, didn’t I? But I’ve never fucked a kid. But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know how I’d leave the room. Do you remember the incident in the ’90s with Michael Jackson? Where he was on tour in Germany? He had the whole top floor of a hotel? And he had the baby, and he held the baby over the balcony, and he shook the baby. Crazy. You can’t get cum off a baby like that. [cheers and applause] Somewhat ironically that has really separated the men from the boys, hasn’t it? I’ve been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. Cheers. [Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody. Not bad for a foreigner, huh? Yeah, he comes from England. That’s ground zero for white people right there. Yes, it is. That’s why I got the vaccine, because they were testing it out in England first. And I’m like, “That’s the whitest fucking place ever. That shit must work.” Right? If they tried it out initially in Haiti, I’d be like, “All right. My people are up to their old tricks again.” “Are they putting it in blankets?” “Oh!” It happened. You’re groaning history, you fucking pussies. All right, let’s keep this show moving along. This next comedian, I actually just saw a clip of her on Instagram a couple months ago and instantly became a huge fan. She’s absolutely hilarious. I love her to death. Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody. Come on, Steph Tolev. [cheers and applause] [Burr] Welcome back. [Tolev shouts] Hey! How the hell are we? This is nice, ‘scuse me, gotta air out the puss, huh? Gotta let the big ol’ gal breathe a bit, huh, ladies? Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh? I’m wearing shorts, what are you, 16? You’re like, “Whoopsies, excuse me, how are we?” I’m kidding, I check IDs. How are we? This is fun. How do we like the mullet? [audience cheers] Okay, now that’s a reaction! Did any straight men clap? Not enough of you, not enough! Damn it all to hell. I am straight, and this haircut is not fucking helping me. Neither is anything I’m doing right now. Does this help, if I take a knee? Is this what men like? When a gal gets down like this? I’m straight, I’ll prove it right now, I swear to God. Little guy, get up here, I’ll jerk you off right now, I swear to God. Bring your little friend, I’ll do you both at the same time. Yeah! Fuck! Like those ropes in the gym… All right! Here we go! Fuck! I’ll make ’em slap, don’t worry. Oh, it’s not gonna feel good, no, no, no. No, you’re not gonna like it at all. I’ll make sure you finish, don’t worry. [laughs evilly] It’ll take a while. I’m so sorry, I don’t wanna be like this, um… I’ve tried women, I have. You’re like, “We know.” I’ve tried several times. I keep ending up down there, I’m like, “This again? What the heck am I eating out?” I finish my plate though, I’m not rude. I’m not gonna leave it, that’s rude, I lick the whole thing clean. What am I, a waste? I don’t think so. Oh, I’m not a rude person, I swear to God. Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree? It’s a fucking piece of shit, dating here? [light cheering] Yeah. Four people, the rest of you are in love. Go suck my ass. Pieces of shit. I’m a boiled ham in Los Angeles on Tinder. Don’t– Relax, I’m a hot piece in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So don’t worry. Yeah, get my tits sucked right off in Michigan, feels good. I will say though, I did clean up on Tinder in LA during the pandemic because, ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad, didn’t ya? You got real lonely. And you got real desperate. And all the pretty blond girls didn’t swipe right, did they? Guess who did? [laughs] Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well. [laughs] Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens. Felt good, felt good. Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top for once, it really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One cried. Paul. Yeah, he was very upset. He’s like, “Can we please turn lights off?” I’m like, “We’re keeping them on.” I was being disgusting during the pandemic, just being a gross person. I was having sex outside. I’m like, “You can’t get COVID if you’re in a field.” You can get chlamydia, though. You can, you can. Yeah, but is it chlamydia if all of the STD clinics are closed? Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a pill for that drip, big time, big time. Only person who’s had an STD, shut up. I’ll come by and check your underwear one by one. You’re like, “This is very strange, please don’t.” Are you pigs still 69-ing out there? [audience cheering] Disgusting, every last one of you. I think it should be a federal offense. You should be arrested on sight for doing it. It’s for young, hot, thin people. You get older, you get bigger, things get slippy, things get sloppy. I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m. with two rattails. It’s a lot to unpack. Take that in for a second. Two rattails? One rattail too many. Two rattails? Two too many. 10:00 a.m., 69 lady? No one’s ready for that. On all fours, sun beaming directly into your asshole. Oh, you all have pristine anuses in this room? I don’t think so. The same mullet on my head, also over my asshole. Doesn’t matter how many times I shave. There’s a couple stragglers back there, huh? Couple loosies peeking out to say, “Hello! Miss me?” I’m on all fours, sucking in, I’m tucking in, everything’s hanging out. Oh, only one other woman has a fat labia? Yeah, right. No one has the old dog tongue, just hanging out the side? I’m the only one? Relax. I’m holding onto his ankles, his feet are so dirty for some reason. Covered with hair and crumbs, I’m like, “Where were you before this, man? “Walking around a play place? Turn on a sock, what are you doing?” Looking at his long, disgusting balls. I’m like, “I don’t think they’re supposed to be stretched out like this, why is it? It just looks like something ran it over before you got here. You need to seek medical attention immediately after this.” Sniffing the tip of his disgusting penis. Every man in this room thinks that women smell down there. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, your cock fucking reeks. Sorry. Excuse me. Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh? Let’s see who we got here, guy in the front row. You’ve got a stinker. You’ve got an old, tiny, middle of a book stink, huh? The Old Testament, this guy smells like. So easy to clean it, simple stuff. Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink, dip him in. Splish splash, just the tip, mwah, a little smooch to the water. You don’t think every girl in here has gone to freshen up? You guys know what freshening up means? When we go, “Be right back!” [laughs] In the bathroom, sink on, leg up, full blast like… “Fuck me! Fuck! He’s gonna know!” Using that watered-down soap, if there’s no suds, that’s no longer soap. That’s water in a jar. Using that crusted towel, just wipes the water around. Come out dripping, he’s like, “You ready to go?” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m horny, let’s fucking do this. You made me so wet.” Men don’t like funny women. You say you do, you say you want it. No, you don’t. No you don’t, you’re liars. Especially in the bedroom. Not the time, not the place, don’t bring the jokes to the boudoir. Kept doing this one bit where I take out a guy’s dick and go, “Is this thing on?” Never got a laugh, not once. Did it for a year, it was like, “Read the room.” Kept doing this other bit, this one I had to stop because guys were getting freaked out before we’d finish up. He’d be like, “Oh, what do I do with the condom?” I’m like, “I’ll take that.” “I’m saving it for later!” And I would pretend that I had a weird mini-fridge in my room for some reason, I’m like, “It’s still warm.” [growls] I’m like, “Why am I acting like a gargoyle the second sex is finished?” So if anybody wants to come back to my well tonight, I got a little bit more room in the fridge. [growls] Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev. [cheers and applause] Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev. Come on! Amazing, amazing. “Middle of a book stink.” I don’t think I’ll forget that. I don’t even read, and I know what that smells like. The next people coming to the stage, two of my favorite comedians actually come out together and do something called “Bumping Mics.” Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell. [cheers and applause] What’s up? Here you go. Boom! Bump it out! How’s it going, everybody? Bump it out! Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! Awesome! Yeah! Look at it. This is amazing, Dave.     Welcome to Hollywood, baby. We did it. Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival, what do you think? Dude, I am so excited, I gotta tell you something. First of all, I haven’t seen this guy in like, three variants. And you know, Jeff, I know, um, you can’t stay all night because you have to get up early to work security at a food court. But, um… Thanks, Dave. It’s a slamfest, my friend. I’m gonna be nice to you, I don’t wanna tease you because… you know, Dave and I, Dave’s had some health issues, we have the same doctor. My proctologist is Dave’s ear, nose, and throat doctor. Jeff, you know what? Dave’s… I’m gonna keep going, motherfucker. Go ahead, buddy, hit me with something already. Dave’s not on TikTok, but he does have seconds to live. Everyone loves a math joke. Can I do some more? Can I– Hold on! Dave how long have you… Can I do some… No! Dave’s not just a good comedian, he’s also a great impressionist. Every night he does an impression of Amber Heard when he shits his bed. Oh, dude, all right, that’s it. Hey, it’s time for me to go. All right? Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this, all right? You’re the kind of guy who buys a gerbil, but keeps the receipt, just in case it doesn’t fit. All right? They grow, they grow. I’m just telling you, buddy. I don’t care, Dave, I’m feeling invincible. I just got my 38th vaccine shot. [Attell] Sweet. Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson… [Attell] That’s the best. I’ve been licking strangers’ assholes at the airport all day, I feel great. Oh, why not? Did you get vaccinated? Well, I’m old, so I got mine in 1919. You know, it was me, Chaplin, and… This crowd’s so young, they don’t even know what we’re talking about here. I got COVID. Any other COVID survivors? [audience cheers] Anybody else lose their sense of taste? I went to see the Dave Matthews Band at the Greek. Nice one. Thanks. [Attell] Wow. It was touch and go with Nickelback for a while, but I’m okay now. Jeff, you’re killing it tonight. It’s good times, Dave. And look at this crowd, dude, I know how you love to jump into the crowd. You are the Roastmaster. Are you going down? Go down, buddy. Get down there. Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster. [Ross] Oh, look at this guy. Fully vaxxed, fully waxed. All right. Who wants to say hi? You want to say hi? Stand up for a second. Oh. Look, it’s Dave Chappelle’s security guard. Wow. I got a question for this guy. What? What’s your name, buddy? My name’s Ari. Ari, what time does Legoland open? I wanna know… Who you here with, Ari? The rest of the yeshiva? This guy right here, the whole cast of Squid Game. [Attell] Yes! Thank you for coming. I won a lot of money on you, man. Way to go. This is like an infomercial for My Pillow. I love it. Miss, how ya doing? Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman? Nice. What’s your name? Kat. Jeff, we only got seven minutes before they take back the audio. Come on. Get back up here, dude. We have to bring it, buddy. It’s a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd. They’re awesome.     I got a big week coming up. What are you doing? I have an audition tomorrow for Alec Baldwin’s new sitcom. What is it? Yeah, it’s called “30 Glock.” It’s a cross between Just Shoot Me! and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, my God. Is nothing sacred? Nothing. What about you? What’s going on with you? Well, you saw that movie about my career, A Quiet Place? Yeah. And, um… I don’t know what to tell ya, buddy, um… We comics, we need each other. And we need to laugh more than ever. [Attell] We do. I wanna give a shout-out to my friend, and Dave’s favorite comic of all time, Gilbert Gottfried who passed away recently. One of the greats. He was a great guy. I was with him the night before he passed away, and then you went to see him. You might be the last person that ever saw him alive. Yes, I’ll never forget holding that pillow over his head. And– I was trying to make him comfortable. In honor of our friend Gilbert, can we have a moment of screaming? Yes. [audience screams] Thank you, I love you guys so much. Can we bring Bill out for a second? [Attell] Yeah, let’s bring Bill out. Here he comes. What’s up, gentlemen? Captain of the ship. Hi, Bill. I don’t like standing in between the two of you guys. Feel like you’re gonna say something, make me hurt my feelings or something. Thanks for having us on your shitty show. It’s awesome. Well, they said we want to get some of the shittiest comics we could find, and I said, “I can get you two for one.” [Attell] Thank you. [all laugh] Hey! [Attell] Good hit, Bill. [Ross] That’s good. Why are you wearing a children’s bathrobe? Nice one, Bill. I always wondered what the Blue Man Group would look like when they weren’t wearing the makeup. And it’s– Oh, guilty as charged. I like it. I like it, Dave. Dave, I gotta tell you, you’re my favorite hoarder. [laughs] Thank you. Nice to see you wore your clean jacket for this TV taping. Bill, and I can never thank you enough for letting me live in your car. I really… Dave’s dressed for Wednesday and Thursday. Thank you. You look like that guy they interview on the news, “This guy was here to see it!” Nice. “Can you tell us what happened, sir?” You guys… Bill Burr is such a great guy… Fuck you, Jeff. A great comedian. Get off the stage. He is. He’s one of the best. This guy’s so New England, he’s the color of clam chowder. [all laugh] [Attell] Nice. [Burr] Oh, that one hurt. [Attell] You got him. You got him good. You look like you just got fished out of a lake. Jeff looks like Bill if he made way better choices. I’m good with that. Yes. I look like Bill Burp. I have the best job because I get to work with my favorite comedian. Aw, thanks. Thank you, Dave. Thank you for coming to LA. Thank you for having me on the show. Thank you guys for being awesome. Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Bill Burr. “Bumping Mics.” Thank you, Bill. Leaving me hanging on the five. “Bumping Mics.” Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Two Jews without money. You don’t see that a lot. They really looked homeless, didn’t they? This next guy coming to the stage, he’s one of my favorite comics, I started out with him a long time ago back in New York, when we both had hair. He’s one of the best joke writers I ever met, and a tremendous person. Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody. Come on! [cheers and applause] What’s up, everybody? How’s everybody doing? [audience cheering] Shit, I’m the only Black guy on the show, and I gotta follow two white guys. Everybody good? [audience cheering] All right, that’s dope. All right, Jimmy earlier was talking about Michael Jackson. And I spent a lot of the pandemic watching TV. If you have seen the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO and still listen to his music, you are a piece of shit. Straight trash. Now, I on the other hand, have not seen the documentary. So I can listen to his music guilt-free, you know what I’m saying? Y’all fucked-up, I found a loophole. Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah. I even canceled my HBO subscription. Just so I don’t stumble across that shit on accident. I’m sorry, y’all, I was raised on Michael Jackson, and I heard he ruined those kids’ childhood. I ain’t gonna watch that shit and have him ruin mine. Also watched Handmaid’s Tale. Any Handmaid’s Tale fans in the house? [audience cheering] All right, we got some. It’s based on a book written in 1984, and it’s a fictional story, set in a dystopian future, where a totalitarian government enslaves America, and then we have a hero, her name is June Osborne, and she rescues her baby, and then stays behind. And then she rescues 78 other people, and then stays behind. Then she escapes, comes back, and rescues 25 other people. And I was talking to the homie, and I was like, “Wait a minute. This is the Harriet Tubman story.” It’s like the author moved slavery to the future, and made white women the heroes. Which is fucked-up. ‘Cause Black people, we didn’t want slavery, but now you can’t steal it from us. And then charge us money to watch it on Hulu. Now we gotta pay for this shit twice? And now you can’t even make the Harriet Tubman story, ’cause everybody’s gonna be like, “Hey, man, that’s Handmaid’s Tale. I can’t believe these Black people are culturally appropriating from us.” I’m glad the pandemic is over. You know, one thing I do miss about the pandemic was the no traffic. Like, no traffic in LA was mwah! Right? Right? I used to get in my car during the pandemic, and the homies would be like, “Where are you going?” And I’d be like, “Nowhere. I just wanna see how long it really takes to get there.” “Two minutes? Why the fuck did this shit used to take five days?” But now traffic is back. Don’t you all feel frustrated in traffic? Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels like murdering someone in traffic? All right, cool. That makes me comfortable enough to admit to y’all that regular traffic bugs me way more than sex trafficking. You feel me? ‘Cause a sex trafficker’s never made me late for work. They actually gotta be the best drivers on the road. ‘Cause they can’t afford to get into an accident. Or pulled over. So whenever you’re driving and some dude is like, “Go ahead, cut in front of me, you’re good, you’re good.” That’s a vicious fucking animal right there. With two girls tied up in his trunk. And whenever some dude cuts you off, gives you the finger, and then steps out of his truck to fight you, that’s a decent human being. With nothin’ to hide. Shake his hand. He’s grinding for his family. I feel really bad for women who are being sex trafficked, and they’re stuck in traffic. And I know it sounds cold-blooded, but I’m a dude. I don’t have to worry about sex trafficking. I don’t have any daughters, and my sisters are not in sex trafficking shape. I know it’s fucked-up. All right, let me just ask one question before I get outta here. Why do pregnant couples have gender reveal parties when they don’t know what gender their kid is gonna claim? Right? Why don’t they just wait a few birthdays, and then let the kid tell them? And then they can have the party. What if you’re wrong? You’re gonna be wrong and burn down half of California? Then you have this video of this party that you threw for your kid that you can never show your kid. Then you got to tell everybody who was at the party, “Don’t ever tell my child about that fucking party.” And you know the kid’s gonna find the video. And one day, he’s like, “Hey, y’all, get in here. What the fuck is this? That smoke ain’t me. Can’t believe you spent all this money on this party, and I need that money for my operation… so I can be who I really wanna be.” All I’m saying is, if you’re a dad, and you always wanted a son, and the smoke is pink, don’t give up.” My name is Ian Edwards. Good night, y’all. Peace. [cheers and applause] Ian Edwards! This next guy coming to the stage is one of my great friends that I’ve had in life. Forget about as a stand-up comedian, he’s an absolutely amazing friend and stand-up comedian, I love him to death. Please welcome the one and only Joe Bartnick, everybody. Come on, Joe Bartnick! [cheers and applause]     What is up, Los Angeles? [cheers and applause] I’m in a good mood, I’m feeling good. I recently lost 80 pounds. [audience cheers] I know what you’re thinking, “He still kinda looks like shit.” I know, that’s why I’m wearing a collared shirt, you got man-titties, you gotta wear a collar. Takes 15 right off the top. That’s why golfers wear ’em, it makes ’em almost look athletic. Like, I can’t wear a wifebeater. You can’t wear a wifebeater, if you look like a wife beater. If you have a six pack, wear a wifebeater. If you just drank a six pack, keep your sleeves on. I know a young girl like yourself, you want abs. I get it. But the older ladies who have lost all their hopes and dreams, they dig the dad bod. Yeah, ladies, this body says “fun.” This body says, “Everybody’s getting appetizers.” Nobody has to split dessert with this body. This body’s built for comfort. This body sleeps in on Saturdays. Nobody has to get up and ride a bike with this body. Glad I lost the weight, though, ’cause now I can shop at Marshall’s again. Yeah, ’cause now I can fit in double-X clothing. There’s nothing left at Marshall’s with triple-X. It’s all green or purple or fuchsia. I can’t wear those colors. I’m not Black. Yeah, Black guys look good in anything. Black guys look good bald. Imagine me bald. Black guys look good in dreadlocks. A white guy has dreadlocks, you’re like, “Fucking asshole.” Black guy has ’em, you’re like, “That guy’s cool.” I’m not even really white. I’m Italian. Yeah. We weren’t white until the ’40s. Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio. You have to be really good at something, then they’ll let you be white. Like Obama, they let him be white. Prince, Prince was white. OJ was white for a while, then he fucked it up. Will Smith is the whitest man alive. He assaulted a Black dude and they gave him an award. Tiger Woods is white again! How awesome is that? I fucking love Tiger. He’s my man. Wearing the black pants and the red shirt on Sunday. I love Tiger so much I used to listen to golf on the radio. People got upset when he cheated on his wife. “How could he cheat on her? She’s beautiful, she’s gorgeous, she’s an 11.” [whines] That’s exactly why he cheated on her. Because she’s beautiful and gorgeous. You know she just laid there in bed and didn’t move. She didn’t have to. She’s beautiful. But Tiger’s got a billion dollars. He wants someone to lick his ass. Like only someone who works in an Applebee’s can. I’m Joe Bartnick! You guys have been fantastic. [cheers and applause] Joe Bartnick, everybody. This next comedian, oh man, she is unbelievable. This is one of the few comics, there’s a handful of ’em out there that if you’re going on after ’em, you’re sitting in the back of the club, you gotta come up with a game plan, ’cause she fucking destroys. Absolutely hilarious, please welcome Jessica Kirson, everybody. Come on! Jessica Kirson! [cheers and applause] Hey, how ya doin’? Great. I’m so miserable, ugh. Although I, you know, I am a miserable person. I… basically, I can barely get out of bed. This is a lot, for me to be here right now. I know some of you look really sad. I don’t care how this goes, I have to be honest with you. Um, it doesn’t matter anymore. Basically, during COVID, I stopped chewing food. I just started fucking my face with it, I’ve never cut my wrists, but I started cutting my mouth on the inside with chips. I became a cutter on the inside, just… [loud gag] You know, just fucking my face. And I was like, “I’m gonna blow up again. I’m gonna blow up.” ‘Cause I used to be a house. If you Google me, Zillow will come up, I was a fucking house. So, I was like, “I need to do something.” So I joined Weight Watchers, where you download the app, and it counts the points. The problem is I lie on it. I lie on my own app, and I’m the only one that sees it. Do you know how sick that is? The other day, I had a pint of ice cream, and I wrote down “one baby carrot.” Like, that’s insane. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. Um, I was really fat. I actually went to fat camp. It was amazing, like, fat camp was the best time of my life. My parents didn’t send me, I wanted to go. Every summer I was like, “I want to go to fat camp!” ‘Cause that’s how fat kids talk, ’cause we slam doughnuts, and muffins and furniture in our throats, like, “I want to go to fat camp!” I’m gonna keep doing it till all of you laugh. I’ll do it for the next five minutes. “I wanna go…” I just peed. Anyway, so, fat camp was fun. We all went on our own bus. We used to play a lot of fun games, like breathing, um… chafing, try-to-hide-and-seek. Try-to-hide-and-seek was great, I would say to my friend Jodi, “I can see you behind the barn, you fat fuck. Find a mountain.” Anyway… I have four daughters from two baby mamas. I’m like a fucking rapper, I call myself “Lil Jew.” I saw an old friend recently, and she’s like, “You have four daughters? Were they planned?” I think it’s the dumbest question that anyone’s ever asked me in my entire life, if my children with women were planned. I’m like, “No, I wasn’t wearing protection, they were all a mistake, and we’re pro-life so we kept them for Jesus. Jesus.” Let’s get even darker with this, because some of you look uptight, like I feel like your assholes are like this right now. Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be fun. Religious people, some of them say that gay people try to make their kids gay. That we, you know, we want them to be gay. And I hate to admit that, at this show right now with this taping, but that is totally true. That is the only reason I agreed to have children, was to create four big dykes. I don’t care if my kids are kind, I don’t care if they’re loving, I don’t care if they smell like feces, I don’t care if they’re educated, I just want them to be fucking truck drivers. That’s all I care about. So we are doing everything we can to make that happen. And by the way, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but we’re out to get your kids too. This goes out to all the straight people in the audience, everywhere around the world, we have secret Facebook groups, we have a ton of funding, we have vans, we have candy, we even have long nets, where we can grab your children from off the lawn. Look how dumb some of you are, you’re like… So we have been doing everything we can to make our children dykes. We’ve been taking them to a lot of softball games. All four of my daughters have crewcuts, they have military haircuts. We’ve been blasting the Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge into their ears, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They march everywhere with feminist signs, and we named all four of them Hillary Rodham Clinton, so we’re just… Jessica, that joke would’ve done a lot better if you didn’t fuck it up, but it’s okay. You’re really talented, you really are. You work so hard, you know, everything’s gonna be okay. You’re almost done, it’s all gonna be okay. And soon you’ll be in your hotel room and you can secretly eat. You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos and told yourself it was a serving of corn. You’re a liar. You lie to yourself on a daily basis. And the guy in the second row is not your father. Okay, some of you– yeah. It’s all gonna be okay, it’s all– I love you so much, you just got that. Because it was very creative what I just did, and it was improv, but some people won’t get it, ’cause they’re not aware. Do you understand? They have no idea what I just did. They don’t understand that I just completely turned around and had a conversation with themselves. They think I’m mentally ill. Which I am, I’m heavily medicated and I haven’t felt my vagina in three years. Okay, what the fuck did I just say? This is the thing, I have very bad anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy, and I was at a store the other day, and these two girls were having a conversation, and I could not believe what it sounded like, this is literally what it sounded like: [high-pitched] “Oh my God, Chelsea, you’re not gonna believe it, but I was on Instagram the other day and I posted the most amazing video, because I went to Sephora and had my makeup done, ‘and it was like unbelievable, because it looked so good. Nobody commented, nobody did anything. I couldn’t believe it because I looked so amazing, like, everyone’s upset about the war, but the war isn’t happening here, so like, who cares about the war? I don’t care about the war… [gibberish] I put the same video on TikTok… [gibberish] The other girl was like, “Oh my God, you should’ve called me or texted me, I’m your best friend, like…” [gibberish] [normal voice] So I killed them, I fucking killed them. I know, I did. I killed them. Because I don’t think you realize this, these girls aren’t going anywhere. That’s who’s gonna be in our country, they’re staying, they’re gonna have jobs. Like, your kids are gonna go to school and walk into math class… [high-pitched] “Oh my God, girls, welcome to math class! This is gonna be so exciting, it’s… [gibberish] Algebra! It’s gonna be amazing!” [normal voice] Like, you’re gonna go to a therapist that talks like that. You’re gonna walk in and be like, “Hi, I’m just really anxious.” [high-pitched] “Oh my God! You’re anxious? That’s so horrible, well, I haven’t been feeling well at all. Like, I haven’t been able to swallow. I met the cutest guy the other day, I swallowed his load, I was like… I swallowed his load, and it’s been really hard for me too.” [normal voice] How do you fuck a girl like that? I don’t understand, I’ve been fucking women for years. [high-pitched] “Oh my God, fuck me harder, that feels so amazing, fuck me harder…” [gibberish] “That feels so good, I’m gonna cum. Oh my God, I’m gonna kill all your ex-girlfriends, you better call me. [deep voice] You better call me!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…” [gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna kill your mother, [deep voice] I’m gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna kill someone, oh my God, I’m cumming!” You guys are amazing, I’m Jessica Kirson, thank you so much. Thank you, I love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. [Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody! [cheers and applause] Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering like I told you she would. All right, we got a band back here, everybody, say hello to the band. This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band. [audience cheers] They do a great show. A lot of comedians started off playing in bands. They still have that musical thing they wanna get involved in, so they created this band for guys to come out and sing along to. The man that created it, I will be introducing right now, one of my great friends, absolutely hilarious comedian from Baltimore. Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers! [cheers and applause] I need each and every one of you guys to stand up right now. Everybody in here, stand up. Stop sitting. You’re all young. One, two, three, four… No. I know what you’re wondering. ♪ None of you know who the fuck I am ♪
 ♪ Why is this guy Such an egomaniac? ♪
 ♪ Because I don’t have an act So I have to sing ♪
 ♪ Hey Haw Everybody go ♪
 ♪ Hey Haw ♪
 ♪ Like the ’90s ♪ Come on! ♪ Hey Haw ♪
 ♪ Everybody go ♪
 ♪ Hey Haw ♪
 ♪ Just the Black guy ♪
 ♪ Hey Haw ♪ Fuck, dude. I mean, it was something. So we didn’t get a song clearance, so we wrote our own, but we need help from all of you guys here. So you really have to sing this, all right? It goes like this. ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Come on! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck Your buttcheeks… ♪ Make it loud! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your… ♪ Bring it down. Now whisper it. [whispering] ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪ Come on. ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Even quieter. ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪ Come on. ♪ You’re acting like This isn’t being recorded ♪
 ♪ For Netflix ♪
 ♪ You’re coming at me with straight Amazon Prime energy ♪ This is fucking Netflix, dude. Now just breathe it, going like this… [rhythmic breathing] [rhythmic breathing continues] ♪ This is how you get COVID ♪
 ♪ No wonder we’re three years Into pandemic ♪ Make some noise if you had COVID. COVID. I sound like I’m from Philadelphia. [thick accent] Who’s had COVID? ♪ I’ve had COVID twice ♪ [audience member] Twice! ♪ I had the original strain from Wuhan ♪
 ♪ And the rereleased box set ♪
 ♪ That came out a few months ago ♪ Make some noise if you were in a relationship during COVID. [audience cheers] A few of you guys. I was single the whole time. And if there was ever a time for the American people, the people of the world to be having the most sex possible, it was during COVID. Specifically when you have it. Think about it. You couldn’t taste, and you couldn’t smell. I mean, if there was ever an era of eating ass. You’d be like, “You just got back from a three-hour hike?” I had no idea. ♪ Fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪ Come on! ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna… ♪
 ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna… ♪
 ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks ♪ Everybody sing it with me!     ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
 ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck… ♪ End it! This is your note, dude. Sing it! ♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Uh-huh ♪ Guys, make some noise for the band, everybody, come on. [cheers and applause] [Burr] All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody! Josh Adam Meyers. That was a terrible handshake, but a great set. Goddamn Comedy Jam Band. We’re gonna do one more. We got another great comedian coming out now who’s gonna sing a song with the band. This is a guy that I saw, I actually saw him the first time, I was flying on an airplane. I saw this video of him, I was like, “This guy is funny. This guy has potential.” And like, a week later, he was on The Daily Show. He’s been in movies, he’s put out incredible stand-up specials. I love this guy, he’s hilarious. Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng. Thank you, Bill, thank you. Keep it going for Bill Burr, keep it going for the band, keep it going for yourselves. You guys are the best. Thanks for hanging with us. Now listen. Listen, normally I come out here and do jokes. But with the state of the world being what it is, and the problems that we’re facing, don’t share the problems, please. The problems that we’re facing in today’s world. Johnny Depp’s divorce, Elon Musk buying Twitter, Netflix’s share prices. I thought I’d do my part to try to help fix this. And what better way than to sing a song. Thank you. So I’m gonna sing a song tonight, and not just any song. I’m going to sing a traditional Malaysian song… from my homeland. It’s a song I used to sing to inspire myself when I was younger and first starting to do comedy. The song is called “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. Take it away, band. [Meyers] If you know the words, then we want you all singing with us, all right? Do we get some energy for you guys? Come on! [audience cheering] ♪ You think I’m pretty Without any makeup on ♪
 ♪ You think I’m funny When I tell the punchline wrong ♪
 ♪ I know you get me So I let my walls come down ♪
 ♪ Down ♪
 ♪ Before you met me I was alright ♪
 ♪ But things were kinda heavy ♪
 ♪ You brought me to life Now every February ♪
 ♪ You’ll be my Valentine Valentine ♪
 ♪ Let’s go all the way tonight No regrets, just love ♪
 ♪ We can dance Until we die ♪
 ♪ You and I Will be young forever ♪
 ♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪
 ♪ The way you turn me on I can’t sleep ♪
 ♪ Let’s run away And don’t ever look back ♪
 ♪ Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪
 ♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪
 ♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪
 ♪ This is real ♪
 ♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪
 ♪ Don’t ever look back ♪
 ♪ Get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪
 ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
 ♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪
 ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ Ronnie Chieng, everybody. I mean, he’s just incredible… ♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪
 ♪ The way you turn me on ♪
 ♪ I can’t sleep Let’s run away ♪
 ♪ And don’t ever look back Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪
 ♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪
 ♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪
 ♪ This is real ♪
 ♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪
 ♪ Don’t ever look… ♪
 ♪ I’ma get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪
 ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
 ♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪
 ♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪ [cheers and applause] Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng! Josh Adam Meyers and the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band! Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. We had a great time making you laugh. We’ll see you, thank you, thank you. [Ross] What’s the point of the show, Bill? Are you gonna play drums tonight, or what’s gonna happen? No. I’m a big believer in not doing your hobby on TV. [all laugh] Killing it, having a good time. My name was Lifschultz back then, they had to use a smaller font. And how was doing comedy in the fifties? It was good, it was good. You’re gonna let him get away with that? Come on, look at that blazer. I didn’t realize you were gonna be dressed as a ventriloquist dummy’s dummy. If this was an improv group, what would it be called? The “No Money Backs,” or…? I’m sorry, I’m trying to Lipton our way through this. Don’t you have to change the battery by now? Honestly, this is really going on. [all laugh]"
1686241607-78,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,RICHARD PRYOR: …HERE AND NOW (1983) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/richard-pryor-here-and-now-1983/,"Richard Pryor will make me laugh until I cry. – I just I love his humor. – He can make anything funny. He hits home.
 After all, that’s why I’m here, ’cause of the people. It’s not something that was made up in some agent’s office.
 Tell the world go out and see Richard Pryor. The man is phenomenal. He’s the best comedian I’ve ever seen. He’s the best in the north, south, east and west. I’ve never seen him in person, but I’m gonna see him tonight. I wanna laugh till it hurts. He’s live, always live.
 They pull for me to do well. You know, I feel it.
 I admire his courage. – He’s an artist. – He’s like being at a party. – It’s like he’s telling the truth. – I like everything about Richard Pryor. – I don’t like him. I love him. – Hey, he’s just the most, man. – I think he’s the comedian of the ’80s. What can I tell ya? He’s the most from coast to coast. Richard is.
 Richard Pryor!
 There’s something in me that’s dying to express itself. The changes are so immense. It has to do with the work.
 What kind of shit you handing me? – Sign it. Fuck is it? I don’t know what you handing me to sign. What the fuck it say on there? Champagne list? I ain’t signing for no goddamn champagne. Here. You take this shit, boy, and you stuff this up your ass. I ain’t signing it. I’m an old man. I know about things. And I know I ain’t signing shit now. I’m up here trying to earn some money, boy. I’m working hard. For all these people, son. You know what? You remind me of– You know– Do you know Junior Shore? You any relation to Junior? You his nephew, ain’t ya? You see, I remember when you was little. You, Sarah Thompson– Yeah, that was you. You, Sarah Thompson, son of Poole… was over there in that car in the junkyard. You boys had her panties down. Didn’t you? I remember you was fucking on each other. I’m the one that told you don’t do it. Remember that? I made you leave that girl alone… ’cause she was young and pretty too. And she was sweet. Breasts smelled like Carnation milk. – What’s your name, boy? -Joe. – What? -Joe. That’s all? You brought your big ass all the way back there… and all is your name is Joe? Goddamn it. ”To Joe.” Fuck it. I thought your name would be Kunta Kinte or something.
 It’s a great gift to be able to laugh.
 I remember when I was 20, I used to could fuck all day. Quick, but all day, right? Excuse me. Pop! Thank you. Excuse me. Pardon me, miss.
 And I’m sober. I’m not doing drugs. That’s a damn good accomplishment.
 See, I stopped drinking. I haven’t had no drugs in five months, man. For real. Nothin’, right? People applauding knew me when I did drugs. ”Boy, are we glad.”
 I’m ahead.
 Wow!
 We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard! We want Richard!
 Ladies and gentlemen… the two most beautiful words in the world of comedy… Richard Pryor! Hello. Good evening. How you doin’? Welcome. Glad you come this evening. Why are there people in the aisle? Listen, these people, shit, done snuck in, fucked with your seats. Oh, boy. What’s happening? How you doing, white person? This man got eight drinks. He’s gonna– Sit your ass down. What happens– You go out and the lights was out, and you went out to get some shit. Now you don’t remember where you were sittin’. ‘Cause he see the people, come back like this. How’s our baby? How you doin’? I’m happy to be here in New Orleans. I really am. This is a beautiful theater. What? Well, thank you. Thank you, baby. Going to– You gonna out-drunk each other? Sho’ you right. I love you too. I love you back. I’m waiting for– You know, this is– Shut the fuck up. Hey! Sometimes people just want me to talk nasty to ’em, right? They get it and then they satisfied. Shit. That’s right. Talk to me like a woman. Shit. No, but this theater is something special. What, the man taking tickets? What’d he take? What kind of shit you got in your hand there, sister? Oh, they just pass out all that shit. Why are all these people coming this way and there are no seats? Oh, there’s two seats. There. They’re not taken. Please sit down. That’s right. Get in there, motherfucker. Hi. Hello. Hi. See, you sat in the right seat ’cause when the show don’t be funny… I take my dick out and piss. This is called the garden row. Yeah. No problem. No problem. So I– Them’s cameras and shit, but you know that. This is the shit we do. This is the movies. I came last night, man. I had a– You have to match the shit to the lights, right? And I came last night, man. I had on some beautiful shit. I sent it to the dude, man. They said they gonna dye it for me. You know, so it would fit with the lights. Let me show you the shit. This shit is– Wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is what the shit looked like when it came back. Boy, I was mad than a motherfucker,Jack. I saw all this shit and I said, ”What the fuck happened to my jacket?” And they was very diplomatic ’cause Jim Brown brought it to me, you know… so I couldn’t jump on that motherfucker, right? I looked at the jacket and said, ”Oh, that’s nice,Jim. Shit,just the way I like my jackets.” You know, the motherfucker left. I talked about his ass too. ”Big black motherfucker. Look what he did to my jacket. Fucked my shit– Fucked my shit up.” ‘Cause he was sitting in there in the room with me… I didn’t want to fuck around ’cause his whole leg was big as me. So I say, ”Hey,Jim, shit, this is hip. I can’t wait till I put this shit on tonight.” I ain’t gonna wear this motherfucker. Fuck you, jacket.
 This is the set and shit. This ain’t real, now. ‘Cause there might be some tourists and shit be saying… ”Hey, there’s Bourbon Street. It look like my house.” But they fixed this shit up. In Hollywood, them motherfuckers, boy, they’re good, ain’t they? They done created an illusion. Hey, I like the way that did that. Shit. Creative. Listen, listen. This motherfucker would be fucked up,Jack. You should have this on the street when the motherfucker leave home drunk. You flip this shit out in front of your house. Right? Motherfucker come back– ”Hey, baby! Shit! Baby? Bitch, what’s happening?” But this is always the impression that people get of New Orleans, right? This Bourbon Street. Like I said. Like there ain’t no more of New Orleans. If you ain’t in the French Quarter, fuck it. But they got a whole lot of shit here. How you doin’, sir? The motherfucker walk like he dared for somebody to be in his seat. Look at him. You knew wasn’t nobody gonna be in your shit, right? This is a strange place though, New Orleans… ’cause you can’t tell what no motherfucker is down here. No, ’cause you motherfuckers look white and be black. So– And then the black ones talk that funny kind of shit. You know, you talk to ’em, say– ”What you want? You come back– You like me, yeah?” And the girls say, ”You gonna fuck me for true?” Shit like that. You know. Shit! See, you go up north, white folks don’t know what to do,Jack. ”Why, this is a different kind. Shit, he must be from Brazil or somewhere.” You know what? Down here, motherfuckers have the biggest fun of anybody. Motherfuckers have a parade, start dancin’ at a drop of a hat. Right? Just go outside in the sunshine. ”Say, have you a buzz on yet? I like it, me.” The motherfuckers start dancin’ and shit. Be 400 people be dancin’ down the street… talking about, ”The sun is shining, hey!”
 And I understand like you dance at funerals and shit. Have a good time. You don’t be fucking around. ”Motherfucker dead. Let’s dance his ass off. It’s a good day to die, motherfucker, ’cause we having big fun.” That’s the way to do it. It ain’t supposed to be around cryin’ and shit. Motherfucker’s gone. That’s it. You say, ”Shit, we had big fun when he was here. Ain’t no need to start crying now ’cause he’s gone.” That’s the way life is, isn’t it? Brother over here look mad. What’s the matter, they stole your seat? You had to whup somebody to get it back? You see, you come too late. Tough shit. Act a fool. You’ll get your seat. ”Where’s my motherfuckin’ seat?” Yeah, you’ll get a seat. Motherfucker say… ”No, don’t worry. We have a seat right here.” It’s just so hot down here now. You know, it get hot down here. Hey! People be in the street you don’t wanna be fucked with either. They be just walking just like– Really. ”How you doin’?” I don’t know how they had no slavery when it be hot down here… ’cause slaves would’ve quit, say, ”Hey man, fuck you. Shit. Carry that shit yourself.” I think all this shit, slaves built all this shit down in here… or carried the shit that built it, right? I looked at the Mississippi, I said, ”Motherfucker had to walk across that.” ”Get your black ass on there and walk. Carry that tree. Don’t start no shit.” You all some cold motherfuckers, boy. Your ancestors. You know, you guys didn’t do nothin’ on no holidays… or like weekends or somethin’. You motherfuckers just hanged black people, right? Be bored and shit. Motherfuckers would say– Saturday night be hot. Can’t get no pussy. ”What you wanna do? Shoot, ain’t nothin’ to do… go down to jail and string one up.” And black people be standing around, watching ’em. The guy be saying, ”Fuck that. Help me!” See, you all, if– Does it snow down here sometime? No? You’re all spoiled, see. You all don’t know about cold and shit like up in Illinois, where I’m from. You all should get some cold. I guess it get cold here, it get 50? You all get mad than a mother– ”You know it’s 50 outside, man? Shit! Done fucked up my day! Shit!” Back there in Chicago, in the Midwest, boy, it gets cold. – I’m talking cold. Make you change– – How cold? What? This ain’t Johnny Carson, motherfucker. I mean, it get cold when you go outside. The wind be waiting on your ass around the corner like this… waiting for you to come outside. ”Here he come.” And that shit, boy– I came from California. I hadn’t been home about five years, and I went back home. And I had some summer shit like this, and it was cold. That wind waited for me to get into the street. It didn’t even do nothin’ while I was walking through the airport. And soon as I got outside, it was– ”Get your shit– Put that shit up around your head. Stop fucking around.” And you can’t be prejudiced in the winter ’cause it’s too cold, right? You’d be trying to find a doorway and shit. You’d be– ”Shit! Hey, man, it cold. Be prejudice this summer. It’s all right now.” Bullshit! – Bullshit? My dick. People in the audience get hostile. You drunk, motherfucker? ”Fuck it! Bullshit!” I stopped drinking. I used to drink a lot. Stopped. It’s been seven months. That’s a strange– It was really– it’s really strange. – I don’t believe that shit. – Oh, you don’t have to. I know you ain’t gonna believe it ’cause you fucked up. ”Listen, I don’t– Hey! Shit!” No, I just thought I’d try that for a while after 20 years. Motherfucker, give yourself a break. I’ll probably die tomorrow. Trying to slow down, you know. – But it’s different. – Don’t do that! Don’t do that. Well– You fucked up, Rich! No, I just been through like a life– in your life. I guess you go through changes in your life, you know. You get one moment, and then you just fucking change. Something happened in my life fucking changed my mind about all the shit. ‘Cause I used to think I knew everything, man. I’d be fucked up. I just knew it. I knew all the shit. And all of a sudden, I don’t know shit. I’m one of the dumbest motherfuckers ever lived. If you catch me on the wrong day and ask me my name, you gonna get trouble. ”Hey, what’s your name?” ”Uh, wait. Shit. Motherfucker, don’t rush me, motherfucker. Just take it easy.” ‘Cause I feel a lot different. I feel a lot of different shit, man, you know. When I was drinking though, it was fun. I stopped drinking ’cause I got tired of waking up in my car, driving 90. You know, trying to talk to the police… when your mouth don’t work. I don’t know what it is that make drunk people want to talk. But you can bet if somebody drunk, he gonna talk. You know what I mean? You ever be driving and the police ease up behind your ass… put them bright lights on you? And your brain start going, ”Don’t worry about it. Just be cool. Everything– Don’t worry. Just be cool. Now straighten up. Just put your arm– put your arm on the window. That’s right. Put your arm on the window. Be cool. Lay back. All right. Just get it together. You’re ready now. When he come up, say everything’s fine, all right? Just say everything’s fine. Everything’s fine.” Now, that’s what you say in your brain, but your mouth has made up its mind. Your mouth be saying, ”I’m going to say these words the way I fuckin’ want to.” Policeman come up talkin’ about, ”How you feeling?” ”Yeah, right. Wanna get out?” ”Shit, ain’t I out?” I had a partner they used to make walk that white line. Motherfucker mashed potatoes. Mother– ”Just fuck it! Shit!” Split and shit.
 I don’t know, man. I used to get drunk and try to talk. And you can never understand a drunk… and he’ll explain anything to you. Right? Police come up– ”What happened here?” Hey! I know! I was in the– Shit! I was– Wait. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Shit! See him drunk outside. Motherfucker get drunk, start cryin’ and shit. You– Shit. The motherfuckers! Motherfucker– You go home, be fucked up. You ever– – How’s your mama? – How’s my mama? I beg your pardon. I’ll slap you in the mouth with my dick. One at a time, please. I gonna finish with this motherfucker ask me about my mama. How’s your mama?
 You ever go home drunk and you try to get to your bed… and the house moves? You know, it just moves. I don’t know where it’s going, but it’ll be– And you can’t get to it. You say, ”Just let me get this foot moving… and I’ll make it to this fuckin’ bed.” And your mind start fuckin’ with ya. ”Don’t be sick.” Uh, I’m not gonna be sick. Goddamn it, I’m not going to be sick. ”Yes, you are.” No, I won’t. I won’t be sick. I don’t wanna be. Let me lay down on the floor. This shit– Just lay on the floor. Please, just– I’ll lay down here. I’ll be all right. Just let me take the rug and cover myself. Just– And you start prayin’ and shit, right? Oh, God. Oh, God. Don’t let me be sick, God, please. Oh, God. And you can’t find a position that’s comfortable. I don’t give a fuck where you lay when you drunk, it ain’t comfortable. Uh, here it is. Right. No, that ain’t it. I’ll just– There. That’s it. Now that’s real comfortable. Oh, God, no, please. Oh, God, I’ll never drink again. Believe me. Just let me make it to the toilet. And you crawl to the toilet bowl. Let me crawl to the toilet bowl. My place of rest. And we can make some funny-ass sounds when you get sick. You throw up, I mean, it’s unique. You never hear that shit any other time. You know, the– I never make that sound ordinarily. And you ever just– You ever heave from your nuts… like you just get– get one of them going? And it look like you become a decorator. You know, like one spot ain’t good enough. No, let’s– Over here. Get a little on your shoes. That’s nice. You wake up in your garage. Under your car. Dogs be looking at you and shit. That’s when– That’s when you know you fucked up, when your dog won’t come to you. And I don’t know– Where does that breath come from? Where does the breath come? It’s like somebody just shit in your mouth. And walked in it and shit like that. You ever wake up and it hit the pillow? You’d be sleeping, it hit your pillow, you be– And you’d be sick, your head be hurtin’ and just– You don’t wanna move. Help. Shut up. I got a motherfuckin’ hangover. ”Were you drunk last night?” Just kill me bitch, but don’t torture me. ”You need to eat some eggs.” Oh, God, no, please.
 I don’t know why my wives put up with my ass so long with me. ‘Cause I would get– act ignorant. I wasn’t even close to being normal. I was ignorant. I couldn’t stop drinking till the bartender said… ”We got no more fuckin’ liquor! Take your ass home, pal!” I’ve been married about four– five– four times. Married to white and black. I’m tellin’ ya– this is a bitch– there is no difference… except subtle shit you can pull on white women you can’t pull on black women. You know, like in an argument or somethin’, you can pull that shit. ”Hey, baby, it’s a black thing! I’m a black man. You do not understand or get… the motivation of the black man, you understand?” ”Oh, yes, dear. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.” Black women, you cannot do that but once. And they get that motherfuckin’ head goin’. You know what I mean? ”Oh, no, motherfucker! Don’t you– That’s gonna be your ass… ’cause you shouldn’t have had the bitch in there the first time! Yeah, you bad. Now be bad now!” And then you end up, ”Hey, darling, no, dear, I was just kidding. Go over here. I won’t do anything.”
 I don’t mind the divorce and shit. It’s just they want the money when you get divorced. And I’ll be going, ”Wait, bitch. You ain’t told nary a joke.” They say, ”Well, maybe you’ll think this is funny.” Hand you some papers from the lawyer and shit right here. ”Holy shit, that is funny.” And you feel bad when your lawyer turn on your ass, right? He be saying, ”I think you should settle. No,just take my advice. Settle. She’s gonna say a lot of things that you don’t want known.” ”Wait. She gonna tell about me and that goat?” When I was married, man, I tried to be whatever it is. I tried to do it, whatever the fuck it is. I can’t do it. You just have to be a special kind of man to handle that shit. I can’t handle it. I mean, I go home, man… sometime my wife would start shit that I didn’t understand. You know, like, ”I don’t want those people in this house again.” What? What? ”I don’t want them here.” You’re married, you know. You say, ”Fuck it, I’m in love. Maybe I’ll try it. Maybe I’ve been wrong three other times. Shit. I’m gonna try to make this shit work. Hey, you don’t want ’em in the house, baby? Their ass ain’t gonna be in the house, okay? What? No, I’ll handle it. Don’t worry. Hey, you motherfuckers, get out! No, partner. Hey,Jack, you gotta go. Don’t come back no more, motherfuckers. ‘Cause you got somethin’. My wife’s seen it. I don’t wanna get it.” ”You gonna be all right, Rich?” ”This is it, Jack. I’m in love now. Just don’t come around no more. Meet you around the corner.” Then they start talking about come home earlier. Wait. Come home? What the fuck you talking about? ”You’re out too late and you do drugs all night and you’re just out.” ”But I be having fun. What time is a good time?” ”10:00.” Hey, man, I’m wrong. Could be. 10:00. Shit. You’d be in a restaurant, eating. Drinking fast. ”What’s the matter, Rich?” ”I gotta be home by 10:00!” Come home, be a house full of women I don’t know. Be sitting around, talking shit. Eating my food. Ask me to serve them something to drink. I’d say, ”Bitch, who are you?” ”I’m an old friend of your wife’s.” ”Yeah? Are you a nurse? ‘Cause that’s what she gonna need if you keep fucking with me.” Sometime, though– sometime you can be in love with somebody, and it’s great… then you fuck around and marry ’em. And I don’t know, somethin’ happen when woman get married, man… that you’ve been with a long time, there’s somethin’ about their attitude– ”Good morning, dear.” ”Good morning. How are you today? Have you been to the bank yet?” I’ve had some fun. I meet some strange women, being in show business. I’m glad of that, but strange. You know, I met one lady, came to my hotel room. She was a weight lifter. She was beautiful, man. And she went to the– come to the hotel room. Beautiful body. She talk all that cosmic shit. And you know, when you want some pissy– ”Pissy”? When you want some pissy– That’s the new thing. I hope to get some soon, some pissy. But you do. If you want some pussy, you’ll talk all that shit with ’em. ”Hey, yeah, sure, the cosmos, yeah. Study it often, you know.” And we got ready to make love, man. She was naked and stuff. I said, ”Boy, I’m gonna tear this pussy up.” And she got in. I got ready to get on top of her. She said… ”Oh, we’re not going to fuck.” And I always be thinking about my career or somethin’. I don’t want to be fucking around, end up in the paper. ”Man Tries to Take Pussy.” You know, ’cause that’s low-down. I don’t wanna be like that. I don’t want nobody say that– Ha ha, made you move. Stole the seat, had to move. April fool. Right? You know. But I don’t wonder why women don’t say that thing before your dick get hard. You know, when they get to the hotel: ”We’re not fucking.” Thank you. And I tell my dick. ”We’re not gonna fuck. So be cool, right? It’s just some bullshit conversation till some pussy come along. So shut up.” But they wait till your dick hard enough to cut diamonds. Then they be talking about, ”We’re not going to fuck.” ”Listen, what am I gonna do with this? I will beat your brains out with this! What do you mean?” I was readin’ something in the paper or– What, Libya? Are we fighting Libya yet or somethin’? I don’t know. I was hearing it on the news, something about Libya, Khadafy. – And Chad. – Chad. Motherfucker going somewhere to die, don’t even know the name of it. We’re going to Chad We’re going to Chad They start shootin’, you say, Get the fuck out of here That’s funny. America used to be a different kind of country… like we didn’t fuck with people smaller than us and shit. You know, but now, I mean, little Libya and shit. Look like America go, ”Shut the fuck up! Just sit your ass down somewhere. Don’t you be fuckin’ around. Just shut up, motherfucker.” But Americans act like they take that shit serious… like little Libya gonna kick our ass. ”Shut the fuck up, goddamn it.” I remember when America used to be that kind of country, right? We didn’t fuck with nobody. Now we be fuckin’ with people in El Salvador and shit. How we gonna lose? Thirty-five people in El Salvador. Right? We be sending advisors and shit, right? ”That’s how it goes, pal. Take my advice and do it that way.” I don’t know– ‘Cause this is the greatest country in the world, right? Man, we ain’t supposed to be fuckin’ with nobody. Have any of you ever been to Africa, back to the motherland? That’s something. One person held their hand up, way in the back. Two. You came from there, motherfucker. You ain’t bullshittin’. No. It’s something. I had big fun. I went to Zimbabwe. And it’s a new country, right? It’s about three years old now. It used to be Rhodesia before they killed all them white motherfuckers. It’s the only country I’ve been to black people kicked ass over there. Seven years they killed motherfuckers,Jack. They happy too. You walk down the street, they’re just smiling. ”Hello. Oh, they don’t fuck with us no more, no.” I was over there with some American brothers, man. I met an American brother. He came over there on vacation. He called home and said, ”Bitch, sell all the shit. I ain’t never coming back to that mother. Sell my motorcycle and my shirt. Bring your ass on.” We had a good time. We was sitting around talking, about four Americans. We talked about five hours. Talked about some good shit, right? And an African man asked us, we was talking, and he said… ”What language do you speak at home?” You know, we looked at each other, you know. ”What? English?” ”Everybody speak English, but what language you speak when you’re home?” One of the brothers looked at him and say, ”Uh,jive?” ‘Cause I guess that’s right. Right? You know. I don’t know where in the fuck I came from over there. No, it’s just a nice feeling. I know how white people feel in America now. Relaxed. That’s right, ’cause you hear like a police car coming… you know it ain’t coming after your ass. Right? You just– ”I wish they’d keep that goddamn noise down.” I hear it, I wake up automatically, start thinking about shit I did. ”What the motherfucker done? Oh, shit, let me see.” Till they go by, I say, ”Shit, oh, it ain’t me.” In Africa, though, I had that feeling, man. I just was comfortable. I knew the police wasn’t going to be fucking with me… unless the government changed overnight. That’s a good feeling though. You can go out. We went out into the bush and stayed– That’s like the country, you know. That’s where you see the animals and shit… ’cause the city’s just like anyplace else. But you go out in the country– You see some lions and shit. I’m talking about real lions. Not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. You know how you go fucking with the lion. ”Hey, lion, motherfucker.” Be throwing shit at it. Lion be, ”Hey!” You don’t throw shit at them real lions, boy. If they don’t eat it, they kick your ass. And somebody always wanna go up and fuck with the lions. Tourists always want– ”Oh, George, stop here. Look at those lions. I’ve got to go stand next to them.” And the lions snapped all the ass off of’em. George would be grinning and shit, talkin’ about– ”Wanna try that again, dear? I didn’t get that one.” We saw– I saw a lion kill a water buffalo. Two women lion killed him dead… and the male lion come to eat, chasing them away, right? He come to eat, and we went to take a picture, and he didn’t like it. And he bent down and picked the water buffalo up by its nuts. He picked it up by its nuts, threw it over its head. Turned his ass to us. You know, it was like, ”Take a picture of that.” Every place I go though, man, everybody I meet, they wanna come here. They wanna come to America, all the three countries I’ve been to. I don’t wanna sound like I’ve been everywhere. You start talking to ’em, and they start talking about America. And it makes your dick hard for America. They do. They finish talking, you be saying… ”Shit. I gotta get my ass back there. We got all that shit in America?” ”Yes, you can eat I say, ”Yeah, that motherfucker right.” You got some money or a pistol, you can get something to eat. But in Africa, man, if after 9:00, if you haven’t eaten… that’s your ass till in the morning. You just be hungry, even with a pistol. There ain’t nothin’ to hold up. You’d be going, ”Stick ’em up.” ”What you gonna stick up? We got nothin’ to steal. Why don’t you go out in the bush, fuck with them lions?” And in the country, it’s nice, like if you go somewhere like– you know, you go on tours, like tourist hotel. And you’d be in the hotel, bunch of tourists and shit. And early in the morning, you hear some of the warriors come back from hunting. You hear ’em out there singing in the night. That shit’ll wake you up too,Jack. You’ll be asleep– You go outside to see that shit, see about a hundred dudes coming back. It’d be beautiful, man. And white people start asking you questions then. ”What are they saying? What are they talking about? What’s going on? Rich, you got any idea? What are they doing? There’s a hundred of them. What are they planning, anything?” I like to go– Pretend like I know what’s happening, right? ”Shh! Keep it down. Keep it down. I think you better get back in your room, sir. This could be it.” I don’t know. It’s just– It’s so different though. Things are different, like here, man. I don’t understand sometime what goes on with people here. ‘Cause like here we are here in this theater… we’re getting along real good until we go outside… then the shit change. So we just must be some crazy motherfuckers or something. ‘Cause we can get along real great for a moment and then we can’t… so that’s insanity, you know? ‘Cause we must be good all the time if we can get good for a little while. But don’t take my word for it. Ask the president. I met the president. We in trouble. I went to the White House. They had this big receiving line and shit. You know, you go by. I went for this movie, Superman, you know. I was standing in line and shit, and I say… ”I know the motherfucker didn’t invite me. I’m just here for this movie.” I walk by in the line, gonna meet him. Said, ”Don’t be prejudice. Open your mind. See what kind of dude he is.” I walk up, the motherfucker looked at me like I owed him money. You know, I said, ”Hi, Mr. President.” ”Hi.” ”Well, I guess that’s it, huh? Well, I’ll just walk on out here, sir, and, uh… I guess this is where everybody else will be, huh? Well, nice meeting ya. I’ll just be right– I’ll be out here. If you’re interested, I’ll be right outside here.” Then you get mad. I said, ”I didn’t ask to come to this motherfucker! I know you ain’t getting no pussy.” Right? ‘Cause he looked like a dick. You ever notice? He does. Like, not even a hard-on. But just a dick with clothes on, you know? That’s why he want them MX’s and shit, so he can get off. ”Shoot one of them big babies off.” No, ’cause they be talking about dropping bombs and shit, man. I’m talking about nuclear bombs. I’m talking about fucking up our Sundays. I mean, motherfucker say– If they had a nuclear war, they wouldn’t have to drop no bombs. All they have to do is tell us they’re going to, then announce to us… ”Find the fallout shelters.” ‘Cause there ain’t a motherfucker here know where one at. ”Let’s get to the shelter.” Right! Oh, shit, uh– Wait a minute. I knew where it was in high school. Wait a minute. ‘Cause they say we have a half a hour warning. That ain’t enough time. I want at least nine, ten months. Can you imagine what the highways would be like? You’d be– Motherfucker say, ”We got a half-hour,Jack.” Beep, beep! You ain’t gonna get nowhere. I know what I’m gonna do. There’s a lady I’ve wanted to fuck for eight years. I’m gonna run over to her house. You know, say, ”Hey, look, baby, we got about 1 5 minutes.” Hope I get a nut just as the bomb go off. ”Thank you.” ‘Cause they got people building fallout shelters in their homes and shit. And that’s all right if you home when they drop the bomb. But if you out, and the motherfucker say, ”The bomb is dropping”… we fucked. Motherfucker say, ”What? Not now, motherfucker!” ‘Cause all of us can’t get in the ladies’ room. ‘Cause they drop the bomb, that’s some fine shit. I’m gonna get out. I don’t know about you all. I’m getting out if there’s some fire. I know all the exits and shit. I ain’t even worried. Even if people climbed the doorway… I’ll eat through somebody’s ass to get out. Oh, yeah. I’ll be outside laughing with the firemen and shit. What’s happening in there? ”Hey, damn, boy. It’s a terrible thing. Twenty people in there with their asses eaten out. You know anything about it, fella?” What wereJapanese people thinking in 1 941 , huh? What was they– What was on their mind to be bombing Pearl Harbor? They sat around and said, ”We bomb Pearl Harbor. They never fuck with us again.” Right? What they say? ”We going to California, then we bomb– No need. Pearl Harbor is enough.” ‘Cause they’d been to the University of California… and saw white people laid back. They hadn’t been to the University of Alabama or Mississippi. Right? I mean– I’m not lyin’, man. They got white folks down there… they keep on a leash in the basement. ”Hold it! Not yet! Just a minute! Maybe Central America will let you go, but not yet. Hold it. Sit. Sit.” Shit, man. You know, when I first– When I first came up here… I use to live down this way. Shit. Don’t tell me shit. Came up here– That’s right. I went to Illinois. – Mudbone! – That’s right. That’s my name. That’s my game. I went on– Shit, where’s the mike? Here. Well, they move that shit everywhere. You can’t reach it. Shit. Had to go behind my back. Shit, I’m a little old. I ain’t spry as I used to be. I can still kick a little ass now and then. I left here– me and my partner Ray… Sweet Chocolate Brown. Do you know Sweet Chocolate? Boy, that was a pretty man. One of them brown-skin boys. Had that smooth skin. He sweated, looked like a Hershey bar. That’s right. Girls come up, lick him on the hand. And he smile. He had one of them teeth, gold teeth with a diamond in it. He’d smile and then he’d put that smile on you, that was your ass, see. Lord, he had so many womens. He tried to give me some… but I didn’t fuck with them womens, you know. I don’t mess with ’em. I had about four womens in my life. That’s right, ’cause they drain ya. They do. They fuck all the time. That’s right. If you fuck one of them good, you in trouble. ‘Cause she gonna tell her friend. She gonna want some. That’s right. And you fuck her, she gonna tell somebody. And the next thing you know, you got to fuck eight or nine times. Then they leave you sapped. You’ll just be laying there all dried up. They don’t give a shit about that. Give you a pot of soup, go on about their business. So, me, Chocolate, Bob T., we all left from down there. Went to California. We had a good time out there too. We was out there for a long time. Do you know what? When I first got out to California– Where you boys going? No, no, no, thank you. I’m fine. I’m– I’m all right. I don’t know what you gonna put in it. Be out there, liable to put your dick in it or somethin’. No, that’s all right. Go ahead. Have fun. I remember when womens used to go to the bathroom together. When we first– When I got out– That’s something, you know that? The world done changed, ain’t it? Mens is womens, womens is mens. I talked to a woman. I went in a little truck stop restaurant and asked… ”Got some coffee and shit?” And she talked to me. Shit, she sound like an opera star. Big voice, you know. ”What you want?” Shit! You know, hair all on her legs and arms. Scared the shit out of me, you know. I don’t want none of these. One of them doughnuts. Let me get my ass on. Other day, man, a little boy come down through here… had one of them little hats on all cocked, all sideways. He had a shoe untied, them tennis shoes on, you know. I said, ”Boy, tie your shoe.” The little boy told me to go fuck myself. Just about this tall. ”Go fuck yourself.” Said, ”I hope you fall on your ugly-ass face.” I seen boys now that cuss their mamas and stuff in public. That’s right. The woman stand around, look all silly. You know, I told her, I said, ”Bitch, that’s your fault. That’s right. You the one let him do that shit. Go put his ass out two or three weeks. I bet he come home, he talk right then. Them miss-meal cramps, that motherfucker get real polite. ‘Yes, ma’am,’ and ‘No, sir.’ That’s what he say when he come back.” Shit. Hard times. We had hard times out there in California… ’cause there wasn’t but three or four black families when I went out there. That’s right. There wasn’t. About four– twenty white people. That’s right, and nine or ten of them Japanese… and whatever they was, mixed-up people. They was out there. Nice peoples too. You know, they’re out there, minding their business. Twelve-thousand Mexicans. I’m not lyin’. Mexican people used to own all of this shit west of Chicago. There wasn’t nothin’ but Mexican people. That’s all there was. That was all theirs. Fucked around, negotiated with white folks, lost all that shit. a thousand Mexican ass. Now, that’s what kind of army they had. kicked 2,000 people in the ass. Now, that’s somethin’. Mexicans didn’t wanna fight about nothin’. No, they was good people. They just trusted too much. That’s how they get fucked up, you see. When you own the property, they should’ve kept their mouth shut… and said, ”This is mine. I don’t wanna deal nothin’. Fuck you. Keep your shit.” Well, I had a Mexican friend, the nameJesus. He was a good friend of mine. We used to hablo espanol. That’s right. He went to jail with me. We went– We did time together out there in Los Angeles County. That’s right. It was a hell of a time, boy. You ever heard of lice? We was in jail, them little bugs like that. You know what I mean? They get on you in your sleep and they eat you up alive. They make you just scratch your damn near– I’ll tell you something. You ever had them crabs? You ever heard of’em? It’s a little teeny bug. They like pubics. They get in your pubics. And it’s hot like this, they drive you crazy. They’ll make you scratch in public. I’m not lyin’. You be walking down the street like this… and that heat and them crabs start moving back and forth like that. They’ll make you get down in there. I damn near pulled my nuts off one time, man! They were down in there so– But you have to put that blue ointment and shit on ’em. I don’t know what it does to ’em, but they don’t move for a while. You put that on there and then they cool down. Make ’em drunk or somethin’. I don’t know. I remember one time we was out of ointment… and Jesus gave me some of his cologne. I don’t know, mister, if you ever done this or not… but don’t ever put no cologne on your nuts. ‘Cause I didn’t know. I took two big handfuls of this cologne… and I hit it on my nuts all under here like this. Well, it was cool at first. It felt real soothing. Pretty soon it come next the burning and shit. And I was fannin’ them. Crabs was movin’ every which way. I said, ”Oh, Lordy, Lordy, please!” I said, ”Chocolate, help me. My nuts are on fire!” I said, ”Blow on it, Chocolate! Blow on it! They’re gonna burn up!” Chocolate said, ”They be burned to hell if I got to blow ’em.” Then Jesus come around. He was smoking a cigarette. And he got real close, and I guess them fumes– Somethin’ happened… ’cause a big fire went– foom– like that. And jumped up, and I was back like this. I’m trying to put that shit out. Them crabs went crazy then. They just jumped every which way. I ran and sat on the toilet. And damn Jesus, he flushed the toilet! My balls was hanging down there in the toilet. And that water was pullin’ them too, real hard. I said, ”Goddamn,Jesus, help me out of here.” Just as I got my nuts off, a goddamn earthquake. I’m standing there, ”Help! Burned-up nuts is hurtin’!” Oh! The damnedest time I ever had, man. Yeah, I ain’t going back there no more. I left there. I had fun, but I left there. Had a nice lady friend. She was good to me. We never did no sex or nothin’ ’cause she had a ”rectomy.” You know. That’s where they scrape the pussy out… and just leave the box that it came in. Me and her got along real good, you know. – That’s Mudbone. – I love you, Richard! Y-You love me? Shit, I love you too. It’s easy to love somebody. That’s all you got to do. Sit with ’em a little while. Talk to ’em. Most people you talk to, they’s intelligent. Most people, as I said. Thank you, Mudbone. Drink some of this water, I hope. They say your water is bad. Good. Just checking. I thought they was joking. I ain’t gonna take no chances… ’cause I don’t wanna have the shits in the middle of the night,Jack. Ain’t nothin’ worse when you got to shit and can’t sleep too. That’s miserable than a mother– You lay down, get a good– ”Hold it!” ‘Cause you can’t fuck or nothin’ when you gotta go to the bathroom, right? ”Say, baby– Oh, hold it!Just a minute. Hold the pussy right there. Just a minute. I’ll be right back. Hold it.” I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. I haven’t done any drugs now. It’s been seven months. All right! And that’s a lot for me, you know, ’cause I done– I think I done drugs since I was like 1 4. You know what I mean? Off and on. But when I was about 1 9, I started doing it real heavy, right? And this is the first time, I think, in my life I feel like this… being sober and then being off drugs too. It’s a real strange feeling. And I get scared when I’m out here sometime. I get real nervous about it, I wanna fuckin’ run, you know? I look out there– ”Shit! It’s scary!” And I say, ”Fuck it. Go through it. Just feel the experience. Go through it and just fuck it.” ‘Cause if I had some drugs and shit now, I wouldn’t give a fuck. But I wouldn’t– I’d come off stage, I’d still wouldn’t give a fuck. Then by the time you’re 50, a lot of no givin’ a fuck… you miss part of your life. ”So what happened to your life?” ”I didn’t give a fuck.” But I had some fun. But I had some fun. It just was strange, like the people you meet… that remember shit you did when you used to get fucked up… and you don’t wanna remember. But they know the shit real well. ”Richard! Don’t you remember me? We was fucked up together,Jack. We was walking down the street, right… and you stuck your arm up that elephant’s ass. Don’t you remember that? Elephant tightened his ass up around your arm… went walking down the street with you. You was swinging back and forth like that. You looked like a turd with a hat on. Don’t you remember that?” And you meet women that you’ve been with… and you meet ’em, you see ’em, you go, ”What? I was not with this motherfucker.” ”You remember me? You said I was so beautiful. We made love for 1 4 hours.” And you’d be saying to yourself, ”Oh, shit.” ”I’m going to have a baby.” ”Not if I can help it, motherfucker.” I’d be right to the abortionist. ”Please. ”Doc, there’s me and there’s this lady, and both of us is ugly. Please don’t let us have a child. Please don’t.” What is that, sir? Oh, don’t snatch it. Wait a minute. Hold it. I know he’s white. Give him a break. Oh, what is that? What is that called, sir? Oh, shit! Oh, it’s a crab. Uh, what is it called? A crab? And it’s a drink? Oh, well, thanks a lot. Next time that motherfucker come up here… beat the shit out of his ass. Well, this crab, man, he ain’t gonna do nothin’ but die. – You know, well, shit. – Attaboy, Rich! Let’s listen to the crab. ”Why are you fucking with me?” What? ”I wanna know why you’re fucking with me. I was in the ocean just crawlin’ along and some asshole grabbed me. I’m trying to find my way back to the ocean.” No, no, sir. See, you’re here on stage. ”Oh, shit, on stage? Let me get back in the shell.” Come on out. ”Yeah, okay.” ”You know I got kinda drunk in that glass. Just a minute. Where in the fuck am I? Oh, boy. I thought this was another woman. It’s just a brown chair. Holy shit! Hey, the world is round. Whoopsy-daisy. Holy shit! Good thing you caught me, pal. You ever had crab piss on you?” I’m gonna put you back in the jar. ”That’s a good idea, asshole. And put some water on me too, schmuck.” I’m gonna get him some– Can we put this in something? Well, here’s some water. Do they live in water? Not in– Y’all wouldn’t even put a crab in your own water. ”Please. Don’t put no crab in the water.” Where’s someplace where there’s some water? I mean, that’s not– I’m gonna take this motherfucker to the bay or somethin’. Put him back in. No, give him a chance. He gonna live. We gonna save this one. Can we put him in somethin’, man? Please? We gonna save him. ‘Cause this motherfucker did a show. He’s gonna get off. Send him back. Here. No, I’m gonna keep this rubber duck. This I wanna talk about here. This is– This is intelligence. What? What, motherfucker? Well, I should’ve let the black man do his job. Oh, now, what– A racing crab? A racing crab. Oh, the thing is up. I like the way you talk though. I don’t give a fuck. You all talk cool. I don’t give a fuck. ”It’s a racing crab here.” This will go on– I will scare a bitch to death with this one. Come out and say, you go… ”Darling, are you ready?” ”Yes, Rich.” Ha ha ha! Well, I don’t want no more shit now. Thank you very much, sir. He gave me the rubber thing and, I don’t know, this– It’s a balloon. It’s a swan balloon. No, that’s really nice, yeah. That’s real clever. Real intelligent. Really, really. Come on. Come on out. Come here. Let the people see you, motherfucker. Come on, man. Thank you. Hey, Rich, how’s your daughter’s girlfriend? How’s my– How’s my what? Wait.Just take your time. Don’t get carried away now. This is not participation. A lot of shit happened in your life you don’t–just don’t remember. I guess I should have learned from people that I knew… that would get fucked up when I was little. I didn’t think that they were on dope or nothin’. I thought they were cool. ‘Cause I had friends like– I had a friend, Motif. The motherfucker, he just sounded so cool. Anything– He took his time to answer. You talk to him, you go, ”Hi, Motif.” He go… ”What’s happening?” I was young. I thought that was cool. Me and my friends would go around and talk to him. ”Say something to Motif. Go ahead. Say something. Come on.” Hey, Motif!. Watch, man. Motif was cool,Jack. I didn’t know he had shot his brains out. But he liked to talk to me sometime, you know. It was real nice, you know. I’d see him around. Hey, Rich! Hey, man, come here. Come here. Dig this. Look, uh, you do me a favor. Now don’t be bullshittin’ now and do somethin’ for me. I want you to take these watches in the bag back here. You take these– Just some watches, motherfucker. Take these watches down the street for me. No, I can’t carry ’em ’cause the police are looking for me. No, I ain’t stole ’em, no. I ain’t no stealer, goddamn it. I wouldn’t be givin’ them to you. Shit. They’re watches, man. Five for a dollar. No, they good. What kind of shit you think? Yeah, they’re good. Check this one. Check this one. This is one of the bad ones, but– I got us some good ones and shit, man. It’s there. So you carry ’em for me? What you mean? No, they not looking for me. You know who they looking for, man? They’re looking for my brother Bobby. No, ’cause the bitch up the street talkin’ about I broke in her house. She said I broke in there and stole some of her shit. I didn’t do it ’cause I told her, you know. I said, ”Look, I want your shit, I just come in here and take it.” You know, I ain’t got to break in. I’m bold. You know, I walk in the door. You know, yeah, but then Bobby do that shit, right? Do you see Bobby? Bobby was with them two white dudes… and they popped that liquor store. Yeah, Bobby. And you know Bobby like to be hanging with them motherfuckers. He’s crazy. I seen him. I was with him, man. We wandered in the liquor store. Bobby bad. He put his pistol on the counter, stepped back. The motherfucker bad. He say, ”I want the money. See that pistol, motherfucker? Beat me to that.” Man, I told the man, ”Don’t move, mister. He got another one.” Shit. And Bobby, he crazy, man. He threw the other one on the counter and say… ”Beat me to either one of’em.” See, that’s the way his mind be poppin’, man. But he be fucked up, right? You know, see, he be going– They gonna send him to jail. Then they’ll send me along just on G.P. I told him, I said, ”Bobby, I ain’t going to jail for nobody.” You dig? Shit. I done told on too many people up there. They get me back up there,Jack, I’d be pussy nine years. Shit, yeah, I told on the motherfucker. I ain’t goin’. Shit. It was easy too. Mother say, ”Wasn’t that hard?” Fuck it. Shit. Him or me. Motherfucker talkin’ about five years? Shit, I’ll just tell on any motherfucker I know. I ain’t gonna be able to get no shit for five years? I start naming off names like a motherfucker,Jack. Alphabetical order too. Shit, yeah, they like to be fuckin’ around. Hey, Les, where you been, motherfucker? What took you so long? We supposed to do business. Yeah, but you be fuckin’ around. Where you been, motherfucker? What you been up to? Where? You see Bobby? Yeah, what the fuck is the deal, man? No, ’cause the cops come over my house. Where was you guys? No, I didn’t do shit. Don’t be putting me in that shit, man. No, ’cause they gonna get Bobby ’cause that one honky is tough, man. I saw that motherfucker, boy. He jumped down in the pool hall. He whupped three or four motherfuckers. So I know you ain’t gonna be fucking with him. You– Take the baseball bat,Jack. Bust his motherfuckin’ head. You ain’t got to take that shit. Let me tie this motherfucker off. Tie it up there. Shit. There it is. Shit. I had it here yesterday. Shit. Shit. There it is, motherfucker. Now, partner. Oh, yeah. In the vein, motherfucker. What are you– What, is you high? Well, why you wait to get off and then you gonna come in and jab it on me, man? There you go. Yeah. Mmm. Yeah, let it ride. Shit. Yeah, shit. Man. Baby. This some shit there, man. That’s– Shit. That mother– Hey, man, this shit was– Shit. D-Did you– Motherfucker. I got the crabs. Shit. No, I ain’t got no motherfuckin’– What? The critter? Look at– Look at this motherfucker, man. Look. Listen. Look, look. I can’t get over there. Listen. Motherfuckin’ thing. Look at them motherfuckers, man. Now, that’s– that’s– that’s life. That’s into the realm of life. Dig? See how he was in life? Then he fucked around and wasn’t in it no more. He fell off, man. You– You can do that. You can– You couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do that, but he could. This is relating. You got to relate to life… to the– to the utmost. Sit down, my nig! Hey, man! Why don’t you stop jerking with me, motherfucker? Man, I’m over here doing my little business. I’m cool, but I ain’t fuckin’ with you. You– You come– You came by here yesterday with that same old shit. You be jaw-jackin’. Yeah, I know. I know you cool. I know about all you got your shit… but, man, I’m Superman. Yeah, dude. As long as you don’t hit me in the vein, motherfucker, I’m all right. Yeah, you have to kill me two or three weeks. Shit. Wait a minute. What the fuck you gonna do? What you sayin’? Ah, man, bullshittin’. Junkie serenade or somethin’? That’s right. I’m– Dig this. Check the logic. Check the logic. I went downtown, right? Now, this is me, right? I’m gonna try to get the job… the motherfucker tell me I can’t have the job… but I can take a application. Are you ready for that? I say, ”Well, what’s the logic? What is the logical conclusion of the logic of it?” I just wanted to know. I figure it was something wrong with the logic. Yeah. Motherfucker tell me I ain’t dependable. Shit. Say, baby, I got a $200-a-day habit. I ain’t missed a payment. Shit. Is that dependable? Shit, what is? I say, hey, you know what I would like to have? The job as the town junkie. Right? ‘Cause I could stand around the corner… I could get fucked up for the tourists. They– You know? Shit, that’s work. ‘Cause I like to get fucked up. And we’d both be doing each other a favor… ’cause the motherfucker keep trying to rehabilitate me. Methadone. Shit, I got hooked on that in two weeks. You ever fuck with that methadone, man? That shit– Shit’ll send you off. You’ll be talking about you going to hell. Shit, I’ve been there. I had so much fun, they kicked me out that motherfucker. Shit. I know I ain’t going to heaven. Shit. I’m just going. That’s right. I’m gonna do it in my own time. Just go. I don’t have to do nothing. Right? Motherfucker change. Feel sorry for me? Shit. I did it to myself. Yeah. Fuck it. If I come back, I hope you motherfuckers have this shit right… ’cause you done fucked it up this time. That– You just– You weren’t sensitive, you motherfuckers. You weren’t sensitive. You just– Well, you just didn’t like a motherfucker sensitive, man. You run over people. You put ’em– You put ’em in a position that they can’t do nothing in it… then when they can’t, you all say, ”See?” That– That wasn’t right. That wasn’t right. That’s the same. That ain’t right. I know it ain’t right, and I tell the motherfucker about it… and they tell me I’m crazy. I know the shit is foul… with a capital ”foul.” I wish you the best. I– Thank you. I– Thank you. – Means, uh– – Tell ’em, Rich! I just– Thank you very much. Thank you. You know, I just was thinking now that I’ve been off drugs… I wanted to relate something to you. I can remember when I was just off drugs for a little while. Yeah, I am. You don’t believe it. I know a lot of people don’t, and I don’t give a fuck… but I remember when I was– Yeah, ’cause I meet people since I stopped doing drugs… I found out there’s more motherfuckers doing drugs. I mean, doctors and shit. Old ladies. ”Give me that blue one. And give me another red one, please.” Right? They call it an epidemic now. That means white folks are doing it. ‘Cause you all used to drive through our neighborhoods and shit… and go, ”Oh, look at that. Isn’t that terrible?” And then you’d get home and your You’d go, ”Oh, my God! It’s an epidemic!” Maybe next time you see black people in trouble, you’ll help. Maybe. Right? But when I stopped, I noticed something real strange, man. I noticed about the fourth month… that my dick was smaller than I thought. No, I did, ’cause I knew I had 1 4, 1 5 inches. And I was in the bathroom one day, taking a piss. I said, ”Hey! What happened to my dick? Hey, I’ve been robbed! Somebody stole my dick, left me with this little child’s pee-wee!” And women go, ”Do men have dick hang-ups?” Shit. You don’t think they do. Like if you’re with a guy and you plan on– First date, right? You might give him a shot tonight. You wait till you get home and he gets undressed and then give him that look. You know, that look you women have when you go– You talk about a motherfucker getting dressed fast, right? ”Well, gee, it was all right when I left home.” I remember when I was 20, my dick was hard all the time. It’d wake up at attention. I’d be– ”Rich, are we going out on patrol today?” I mean, some mornings, it would wake me up. You know, I’d be sleeping, hit me on the chest– ”Rich! Rich, wake up. I gotta go to the bathroom.” You know? And it would lead me to the bathroom. I’d be– Over there. Right into the dock. Yeah! And it’d piss hard. You’d be going– Half an hour. Go back to bed,Jack. Now some mornings I wake up, I wonder whose dick it is,Jack. Hey, speak to me! ”Huh? What? What is it, Rich, we on fire again? What? What? Hey.” And I’d be kinda scared about today, man… ’cause women, we’re lucky they fuck us ’cause they got them machines. You ever seen ’em? They got numbers on ’em. Plug them boys in. And you be standing there with just a dick, right? ”Tell me when it’s my turn, will ya?” ”Uh, that’s all right. Thank you. Never mind. I’ll come back tomorrow.” Women know they got the pussy, man. They know we like it too. They know it. I mean, they know. The bottom line: Women know. I got the pussy And it’s good ‘Cause there ain’t no such thing as bad pussy, right? If there are ladies here tonight think they got a bad pussy… I’d like to see you after the show. I’d like to give a second opinion. I’d sure want some water, but I don’t wanna drink none of that shit now. You got me scared. Spring water? Rainwater? What is this little bug in it? – Thank you. What’s your name? – Luanne. Luanne, take your ass back to your seat. Thank you. Thank you, Luanne, very much. You’re just– That’s a very kind thing to do. I can’t get this little motherfuckin’ thing out. See, I’m very crazy about shit. When shit in somethin’, I like to go, ”Hey.” Thank you, Luanne, very much. No! Don’t! Thank you, Luanne. That’s– – Can I get a kiss? – No, baby. You might have herpes. I don’t wanna be fucking around. No, sirree, Bob. Now they got that herpes and shit going around. That makes me be very careful,Jack. I wanna examine the pussy real good now. Don’t women do that? If you gonna have a one-night stand, don’t you be very cautious? It’s like, ”Put the dick right here in my hand.” Right? Get that jeweler’s glass out and, ”Just a minute.” ‘Cause they got some shit out there, make your dick look like a foot. For a long time. I’m not lyin’. You look down, look like a little baby’s foot hanging there… walking up your leg and shit. No, you gotta be very careful. That’s why I– I go to public toilets, man, I’d be watching them motherfuckers… because I know some shit in there waiting on me. I’d be real careful. One thing about a public toilet is if somebody recognize my ass. You know, ’cause you could go in the toilet all your life– You go in the toilet and take a shit and nobody say nothin’. They may make a face when you leave, right? But they see me, they start talkin’, ”Richard Pryor! That was you in there shittin’? Man, you don’t never need to shit in public. Hey, everybody, come here. Richard Pryor is in here shittin’!” And they got them– You ever go into them urinals? Ladies probably never seen this. It’s got them big urinals and shit. And the men go in there and stand right up in the urinal… like they hidin’ their shit or somethin’. They’d be right up in there like– And look each other in the eye. That’s the way men look each other in the eye ’cause you don’t look down. You look down– ”What you looking at?” Only trouble I have in there, people wanna meet me. Be pissing, talking about, ”Richard Pryor! Oh, shit, I’m sorry, man. Here, shake my hand.” Fuck you! Everybody be standing up like this and be cool,Jack,just lookin’ in the eye. Then some big dick motherfucker come in, right? Stand way back here. ”What’s happening, fellas? You wanna stand to the left? I’m gonna shake it to the left, pal. You better move over.” Good night. I love you. Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/movie_script.php?movie=richard-pryor-here-and-now"
1686241627-83,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,"Norm Macdonald: Hitler’s Dog, Gossip & Trickery (2017) – Transcript",https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/norm-macdonald-hitlers-dog-gossip-trickery-2017-full-transcript/,"Then people go, “Goddamn, at least he’s not a hypocrite.” “You’ve got to give it to him, that’s the worst part of it.” All right. I ate a pork chop. I don’t want to brag or anything like that. But it’s in my belly right now as we speak. And I realized that you… you eat at a restaurant different than you eat at home, you know? Like, at home you would never cook up a pork chop on your skillet, you know, and make it nice and hot on one side, then turn it over, make it hot on the other side, and then cut into it and see how it’s going in the middle. And then you go, “Man, I’m going to love eating this delicious pork chop.” As soon as it’s hot enough to eat, I’ll eat it. But while I’m waiting, “I’m going to eat a big loaf of bread.” Who would do that? “With, like, 35 pats of butter, and I’ll eat that loaf of bread.” “And that will get my appetite sharpened up…” “For the pork.” I also noticed that desserts are different nowadays. When I was young, the waiter would come and go, “What do you want for dessert – cherry pie or apple pie?” And you would go, “I will have a cherry pie.” And the guy would bring me… Very simple. You know, things were simple back then. Now desserts – oh, my Lord! The guy shows up and he’s got a big tray at a canted angle, and every confection known to man is on it. He’s… And I don’t like the way he talks, because he doesn’t talk, like, the pork-chop talk any more. All of a sudden, for the dessert, he’s, like, all the sexual undertones. You know, the… I mean, he’s all like, “Ah.” “Why are you saying ‘ah’ like that?” He’s like, “Ah.” “May I tempt you with something?” “Tempt me?” “Do you like decadent things?” “Well, I don’t…” “I hope you left some room in your belly.” “OK, listen.” “Are we still talking about desserts here? What the… is going on?” “I don’t want to end up blowing you in the bathroom or something.” “I don’t want to end up blowing the guy in the bathroom. Listen…” I can be tricked as much as the next fellow, and… I don’t want to be in the bathroom. “Hey! Wait a second! Whoa!” “Hold on here, maestro! I…” “I thought we were talking about a butterscotch pudding or something.” “I don’t care much for you, Captain, I’ll tell you that right now.” “I’ll continue, I’m a man of my word, but I’ll say this.” “I’ll say this, Chief.” “Were my word not my bond, then none of this…” “I’m doing it reluctantly. I don’t know if you noticed that, but…” Sex to me is… First of all, I’m an old man, you know? I… I’m like uh… threescore and… twelve, or something like that. I’m trying to get “score” going again. I feel that Lincoln, when he thought that up, he thought that was going to go. You know what I mean? Like, his wife was like, “Why don’t you just say ’87’?” He’s like, “Why don’t you shut the fuck up?” “Last I checked, I was the orator in the family and you were the fucking insane lady.” “When I say fourscore and seven, believe me… ‘score’ is going to catch on big time.” But… it never did. Here’s another little presidential thing. You know there’s a story about George Washington, and they say, “Oh, He chopped down a cherry tree,” when he was a little child. When his parents came home they said, “Who chopped down the cherry tree?” and Little George said, “It was I who chopped down the cherry tree.” I cannot tell a lie.” And you go, “Wow! What a great story.” But then you think about it a little bit, right? Imagine if you drove home to your house, right? And you get there and go, “Hey, what the fuck happened to the cherry tree?” “Did somebody chop it down or something?” And then you go inside, and there’s your child… with an axe. So you go, “What happened to the cherry tree?” and then he goes, “I chopped down the cherry tree.” “I cannot tell a lie.” And then you go, “OK.” “The first part of what you said, it bothers me a lot.” “The second part scares the fuck out of me. You…” “You can’t tell a lie?” “You’re incapable of lying?” That would… That would scare me. Now I live in LA. We go to parties in LA. And I go, too, but I’m no good at them. Here’s my problem – I have no opinions. You know how people have opinions? I don’t got none. I… Like political and… So sometimes before I go to a party, I’ll just turn on the TV, and whatever that guy said, I’ll say that. But I’m not good… Like, when I go to parties, I don’t want serious discussions. I try to find somebody that is at my same level. And I’m good at it. I can… Like, you know how they say guys have gaydar – they can see other gay people? I’m like that with guys at my same level of smartness. Like, I can see a guy in the corner and go, “I can keep up with that motherfucker right there.” And then I make a beeline for that character. And then we talk about Jughead comics for a couple of hours… And everything’s fine. Sometimes people go, “Why do you even go to these parties if you don’t like, you know, talking?”
 Here’s why I go to parties. There’s only one reason why I go to parties. The reason why I love parties, because I love those little sandwiches where they’re triangles… And they cut the crusts off, and then they’re little equilateral triangles, and they put a little toothpick. And it has, like, golden cellophane… And red cellophane. I can eat 30, 40 of those fuckers. And you can only get them at parties. Like… I have gone to restaurants and I go, “You got any of them sandwiches that are shaped like triangles?” And they go, “No, all our sandwiches are shaped like sandwiches.” I go, “Oh, fuck.” And then… I go to, like, a grocery store. I go, “Yes, where is… What aisle is the sandwiches with the toothpicks?” They go, “We don’t got none.” “Have you tried a party?” I go, “I’m trying not to…” “Go to those things.” But I don’t drink, so I’m no good at parties for that reason. And drugs, I don’t do them. Used to. When I was a boy, young, I would do anything, you know? LSD, that was about the strongest drug I ever did – acid. I don’t know if you’ve ever done acid, but… When I was young, they would tell me, “You have got to be careful with that acid, on account of you can do it,” and then you have a flashback. Like, ten years could pass, 20 years could pass, “and then you get a flashback.” So I thought, “Well, that sounds like a good deal,” you know? I went to my drug dealer Frank. I said, “Frank…” is there a drug on the market where I pay you $5… I take the drug, I get high, “and then, 20 years later, I get high again?” He said yes. And I think of myself as somebody who’s good at stretching his drug dollar. But the point of the whole thing is for me to tell you young folk… that it’s not… it’s not true at all, you know? Because I have not done LSD since I was a teenager. Ten years have passed, 20 years have passed. Sadly, 30 years have passed. And still… no flash… What a gyp that turned out to be. I… Just more horseshit by the big acid companies if you ask me. I don’t want to… I don’t want to get too political, but… If you think big acid… cares about you, the little guy… They care about their third-quarter profits. That’s what they care about. You know, my friend is a vegetarian. And have you ever been wrong, and you suddenly realize, you know, like… Because she… all her arguments are right about vegetarianism. She’ll go, like, “How can you kill an animal” when you can get the same from the grass of the field? “It makes no sense.” And then I go, “I like pork.” So… Of course, she’s right… and I’m wrong. And it’s weird when you realize you have been wrong about everything that you ever believed – about vegetarianism, not everything. Imagine if you woke up and you realized you were wrong about everything. You just woke up and you go, “Goddamn. I have been wrong about every single thing I have ever believed.” Then it’s time to go down to the rope store in my opinion, because… It’s not going to get better, you know? Go to the rope store – that’s my suggestion to you… and get a hunk of rope about this big… and then go to the rickety-stool store. And, listen, it’s no coincidence that the rope store and the rickety-stool store are always right beside each other, right? I don’t want to get political or anything like that, but… When people commit suicide, no one ever understands. You know what I mean? People commit suicide and people go, “I don’t understand why,” and I go, “You don’t?” “What, do you live in a cotton-candy house or something? What the fuck?” “You don’t know about life?” “How it only disappoints and… gets worse and worse, until it ends in a catastrophe?” “What the fuck?” There’s two reasons guys will hang themselves from the neck. One is, like we said, to escape this worthless masquerade of a life we pretend we have. And the second reason we hang ourselves from the neck is to whack off. These guys… I don’t understand. It’s called autoerotic asphyxiation. It’s a big, fancy word, but it’s a filthy thing. And this is my problem with it. The risk-reward… Is not good. And I know of the reward because I read about it. Apparently, by cutting off the oxygen, or something like that, you increase your orgasm until it’s one-and-a-half times as powerful as the one you had the Thursday before last. Is that really that important? I mean, we have a lot of things in this country. You know, it’s raining in the forest. There’s all kinds of shit we have to think about… let alone whacking off. That’s our big problem? But the risk – good Lord! People always wonder, “What happens after you die?” No one knows, you know? People pretend to know, but no one knows what happens after you die. But I know what happens to you right after you die. I know what happens directly after you die. You are found. And this is where it gets tricky. And it’s always by a loved one. You know? And you don’t want your son walking in, going, “Ah! What the fuck?” “What the fuck is Dad… What kind… Huh?” And that’s how you’ll be remembered forever, you know? It doesn’t matter what else you accomplish in life. See, people are under the misapprehension that their life is like a motion picture that will be remembered as such, but it’s not. It’s just a photograph, you know? A still photograph, and that’s unfortunately how it is. But, you know, like, if you think your son will remember you as, “I remember my dad took me to Disneyland in the blistering heat,” and, by God, he stood in line to get Mickey Mouse’s autograph. It took him two hours. “It was for me. He knew it wasn’t the real Mickey Mouse. He had to have.” “It was an unemployed college kid.” “And yet he stayed – stayed for me.” “Dad.” “He had two jobs.” You know, to put food on my plate, “and my brother’s and my mom’s.” “Two jobs.” And I remember one time – I’ll never forget it – he came home late at night and I was in bed. I was pretending to be asleep, but I wasn’t. And he came in, and he was very quiet, and he came up to me, and he kissed me on that area between my uh… my um… forehead and the bridge of my nose. He kissed me right there, and he said – quietly, so as not to wake me – ‘I love you, son, ‘ and then he left. And the next day, I wanted to say something to him at the breakfast table, but he was already out, he was driving hack. “That was his second job.” “But, my God, my dad…” Anyways, they don’t remember that at all. All they remember is… “Ah!” You know? Because… Unfortunately, that’s the way human beings are. I think if I were to do it – and I don’t think I ever would… But you never know. You can’t predict the future. I could wake up one day and go, “I want to have one of them orgasms” that’s uh… “three-over-two times as strong as the…” “I knew that advanced-math degree was going to come in handy sometimes, I just did not know when.” This is what I would do if it ever happened to me. I would disguise it so it looked like an actual suicide, because then, when I was found, my son wouldn’t go, “Ah!” he would go, “Oh! Oh, mysterious.” “Dad’s a mysterious guy.” “This is going to be a pretty cool story for me right now.” So I would pretend, you know, that it was a… it was a real suicide. Like, I would write a note – a suicide note. Do you think this would be funny, just as a practical joke, if you just wrote a suicide note and just blamed some random guy? Do you think that would be… Do you know what I mean? You know, like, your barber or something like that, you know? You go, “It was all Ralph Abernathy’s fault!” Because you know the police would be compelled to go to Abernathy’s barber shop… and go, “Have you ever heard of a fellow, name of Norm Macdonald?” The guy goes, “Yeah, he would come in every couple of months for a trim.” “Oh, OK. Well, anyways, he took his life because of you.” “He wrote it here in this letter. Would you like to keep the…?” Then Ralph Abernethy would have to spend the rest of his life walking down… Life’s hard enough without having to walk… That’s not a good practical joke. I should never have… framed that as a good practical joke, because it’s probably the worst practical joke… You know? It’s the kind of practical joke that gets you raped by the devil for all of time. I uh came here from Las Vegas, Nevada, and when I was at the air… Uh… Where do airplanes go from? Airports. I was in the airport, and guys were asking me for my ID, and it occurred to me that ID is a strange abbreviation, because “I” is short for “I,” and then “D”… is short for “dentification,” so… It seems to me “D” is doing most of the… legwork on that one. But Vegas was cool. They have a motto in Vegas. They got their own slogan for the city. It says: “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Which is not true. You know, you can’t kill a guy and then just leave, you know? They’ll follow you, they’ll find you, they’ll bring you back, and they’ll try you in front of a jury of your peers. So I thought, well, what does it mean, anyways, you know? And I ruminated about it, days and days and nights. Sleepless weeks became sleepless more weeks. And, finally, it occurred to me. It was so simple. It was right in front of my face the entire time. “Whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” all it really means is you can go to Vegas, you can have sex with a prostitute… And she will not tell your wife. They’re very discreet, the Las Vegas prostitutes. You know? Not like these gossipy, small-town whores back where you live, you know? These fucking blabbermouths. Down at the beauty parlor with that pale blue thing over their head, whatever the fuck that is. “Oh, you’re Marge Majerson?” You’re Neil’s wife? “Well, by God!” “I took a shit on him last night…” “In exchange for cash.” “Nice fella.” My favorite thing is the magic phones that we all have. You know, not so long ago, phones were not magic. They were just used to telephone people. And uh… they couldn’t take pictures. You know? If you wanted to take a picture – this was only, like, 20 years ago – you would have to use a… you couldn’t use a phone. I remember I tried. “OK, just hold on there. Just…” People go, “What are you doing?” “Don’t worry, it’s…” I was kind of ahead of my time, but they thought… No, you had to use a camera, and then you would put film in the camera, and then you would go to a Fotomat. It was wonderful. And you would give it to this old man, and he would go behind some beads and stuff, you know? And then you go, “When am I going to see them pictures?” He goes, “I don’t know.” And then you go… “I’ll phone you every couple of weeks. How would that be?” And then, one day, you got the news your pictures were ready. And so you brought your whole family, and you all showed up, and you got that envelope. It was wonderful. And you opened that seal, you know, and then there were the pictures – a whole handful. Like, you would go, “Hey, look at this.” It’s a picture of Aunt Ida, “but her eyes are red like the devil.” “Maybe Aunt Ida’s the devil.” “Hey, look at this!” It’s a picture of my dog, “but I put a hat and glasses on it so it would look like a person.” “It still looks kind of like a dog a little bit.” “Hey, look, it’s a picture of you!” But look at your jacket and your hair! “Ha!” “Look at the way you used to… Ha!” “Remember that hair?” So you needed that time for the picture to make any sense or have any resonance. Nowadays, you go, “Hey, would you like to see a picture of you standing right where you are one second ago?” “I got one here.” “Your hair is identical.” “I guess it would be, huh?” In the real old days, they would take pictures like… At my house I have a picture of my great-grandfather, and I only have one, you know? Back then, they only had one picture of everybody, because they would pull that thing, and it would explode and all that shit. And it was just my… Nobody was happy… because it took so long to get your picture taken. So it’s just my great-grandfather like… “How long is this going to take, sir?” “Who’s going to feed them hogs?” “It damn sure ain’t going to be Marjorie, I’ll tell you that.” Do you know what else I like about the magic phone? Wikipedia. Oh, have you ever used that? That’s the best, man. It makes a democracy out of smartness. Everybody’s equal now, you know? Used to be a guy would go to school five, six years and then he would talk to me, and I would be like, “Uh…” But now… Now it’s all different… because I have got my magic phone in my pocket. So a guy will say to me – he’ll go, “Hey, Norm”, you ever hear of a fella that went by the name of Claude Monet?” And I go, “Why, of course I have.” I got to go to the bathroom.” And then I go to the bathroom, and I’m in there 20-25 minutes, and I come back. I go, “Hey, listen, I was just uh…” We were talking about Claude Monet, and I just wanted to say “that, you know, what I liked about him was his paintings.” “I like the way he painted.” He was a painter, “and I loved how he used the paint to make paintings.” And then the guy goes, “Goddamn, Norm!” “I’ve never been able to stump you in two years.” But I looked on my… Because I like learning on my Wikipedia. And I looked, because I was wondering about fame, the nature of fame, because it’s changed so much, you know? And when I was young it was one thing, and now it’s a whole different thing. And uh I was wondering how many people have been to the moon – like, have actually walked on the moon. So I looked on my magic telephone and I found out. Only 14 – 13 or 14 – in the entire history of the world. You would think that would make you very, very famous. But no. The last guy who walked… Now, you think he would be famous for being the last guy to be on the moon. His name was Harrison Schmitt. Now, whoever heard of him? Meanwhile, he goes all the way to the moon, hangs around there for a while and comes back. He’s not famous, but a girl with a giant ass is famous. Now, when I was young, a man who went to the moon was famous, and a lady with a giant ass, you would go, “Can you stand over there? Because this is…” Harrison Schmitt. So how many people that went to the moon do we even know? There was… We know the first ones. There was Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. They went in Apollo 11 – Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin. And even the third is hard to remember. His name is Michael Collins. And Michael Collins, in one of the… just most unfair jokes – I don’t know what it was – he got to go all the way to the moon but not go on the moon. All the way to the moon, and then, that little rope ladder, he wasn’t allowed to go down. He had to stay in the lunar capsule… while Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong went on the moon. Michael Collins just looking out the window, going… “Are those motherfuckers golfing?!” “Good God! They’re golfing!” “Wait a minute, they… they have got a dune buggy now!” “I was only allowed to bring so much and they brought dune buggies. This is…” “I have to keep up a good face, I guess.” And then Buzz and Neil, I’m sure they were nice guys, they didn’t want to hurt Michael Collins, you know? So they probably went back, you know, to the lunar capsule, you know, and Michael Collins was like, “What do you think, guys? What was the moon like?” And they were like, “Ah.” “It was all right if you like that kind of thing, I guess.” “I prefer the lunar capsule myself. I…” “I can’t speak for Buzz, but…” “I really do like the lunar capsule.” Because that’s what you do. You know, most of your life is mundane. I decided to write a book, right? So, it was a book about my life. They said, “Just write about your life,” so I said… Oh, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. It turned out to be the greatest comic novel ever written, but when it started it was supposed to be a memoir, you know? A… An autobiography. So it makes you think, “Well, what is my life?” So I started thinking about it, right? So I said, “OK, I wake up in the morning”, and I eat some Count Chocula.” And then I watch Sports Center while I’m digesting my Count Chocula, and I phone my friend Fat Freddie. And I go, “Hey.” You want to eat a cheese sandwich or something around three o’clock? I… I got to wait for my Count Chocula to digest, “but how does that settle with you?” He goes, “Yeah, great,” so I get together with him. And on my way, I get some groceries to bring home for later, and uh… and then, of course, there’s dinner, you know? So most of my life is finding and consuming food. So it doesn’t make for a riveting read. It’s incredibly repetitious. When you’re writing, you learn a lot. I went to a guy who’s a big writer guy. He told me about things I didn’t know about. Metaphors – have you ever heard of them? He said, “You have got to use metaphors.” I’m like, “What’s that?” He was like, “That’s a thing.” So, a metaphor is like, ‘You can lead a horse to water, “but you can’t make it drink.’” I’m like, “What the fuck does that mean?” So he was like, “That means you can take a person, you know,” and you can give them all the information and everything, “but he still has to be the one to absorb it himself.” So I was like, “Well, why the fuck didn’t you just say that? Like, what…” “Why did you have to put a horse into it? Like, what…” “You thought I was so stupid you needed to make it into some fable? Like, what…” “A horse?” “Or sometimes the metaphor part of it is true,” but then the literal part is not true. They will go, like, ‘That which does not kill you makes you stronger,’ right? Now, metaphorically, that’s true, like maybe a woman breaks your heart, you know, or life deals you a bad hand. And then the next time you’re prepared for it “and uh… and it doesn’t hurt you as much.” “But, literally, it’s not true at all.” Literally it’s, ‘That which does not kill you makes you weaker… “And will probably kill you the next time it shows up.'” That’s why I like – personally – I like the ones where the metaphor is true and the literal part is true. Like… They say, like, “Beauty is only skin deep.” I think that’s beautiful, because it is. Like, you know, really, what makes a person attractive is what’s inside – their friendship, their conviviality, their goodwill, not this uh… optic trick, you know? And so it has that, but also, literally it’s true, because you could be the handsomest guy in the world, you know? You could have, like, this chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick mane of hair, you know? Large shoulders and narrow waist. Are you guys horny? Is it just me, or…? Giant quads, a perfect body. Six percent body fat, you know? But you take that same guy and you skin him. All of a sudden… he is not so easy on the eye. I’m getting old, you know? I asked my doctor… This is interesting, because I wondered… You know, I know the first two causes of death – heart disease and cancer, neck and neck, you know, to kill you. So I said to the doctor, “What’s the third most common cause of death?” What is the third?” And he said, “Complications.” That’s… That’s like the doctor fucking up. Like, how is that the third? That’s the third? You go, “Hey, Doc, I can’t help but noticing my father is dead uh…” “And I remember yesterday you said it was a simple operation.” And he was like, “Yeah, we thought it was.” “Looked simple in the book, I’ll tell you that.” “But uh… you cut open a man, by God, it’s…” “All this red stringy stuff and everything.” “Are you a doctor?” “No.” “Ah, you wouldn’t have heard. Way too complicated for you.” But you worry when you get old, you know? You get concerned, scared. I remember my grandmother, you know, she was like… I think she was like 85 at the time or something, and I looked at her – she was sitting in her chair – and I said, “Hey, Grandma.” She had a bruise, right? And it went from her… from her wrist, all the way up her arm, right to her shoulder. A big bruise – purple, green and yellow. A third of each. And I said… I said, “Grandma, where did you get that bruise?” and then my grandmother said, “The wind.” I said, “The wind?” And she said, “Yes. Do you remember that gentle breeze yesterday?” I was like, “Yeah, I remember.” My parents were teachers, which is a noble profession, everyone says. They’re fine people. But do you know what’s weird? They all say, “Teachers are the real heroes.” My folks – not heroic at all. And, as a matter of fact, I have never met a teacher that showed any heroism. And I have known a lot of teachers, because I was a student for years and years. And never once did I go, “Hey, Barney, man,” I was just looking at old man Abernathy, you know, at the way he was erasing that chalk on the chalkboard, where he put the chalk earlier… “and I was thinking, he cuts a heroic figure, doesn’t he?” “No? Me neither. I didn’t think that, either. I just heard that somewhere.” And it’s not that hard a job when you think about it. You know what I mean? Like, it’s a pretty good… If you have a job where you go to work – like Grade 3 – you go to work, and you’re 50 times bigger than everybody else that you work with… That’s a pretty good job. Plus, they do all the work. You do nothing. That’s… How about the students? How about giving some of them the “heroism”? You know, the… five-year-olds that are working for free. What do you need, really, to be a teacher, anyway? What’s the, you know, qualifications? Let’s say you’re teaching the Third grade. What… What do you need? A Fourth-grade education. Really, anything above that… You’re overqualified, really, you know? I didn’t like school. I liked before school. Man, do you remember that? Before you had to go to school. Man, that was the greatest time ever. I’ll never forget it. Those were my finest days, man. I loved them so much. I remember, like, I would go over to Shawn Kay’s house, and I would have a stick, and that would be the whole day. I would go, “Shawn, I’ve got a stick!” He would go, “Goddamn! We’ll go play.” It was so much fun. And then, one day, suddenly I’m in school. They were dragging me in, and I remember there were tears and… I’m like, “What the fuck?” There were these windows that made it even… You would look out the window and sometimes you would see the stick, you know? And you would go, “Goddamn!” Do these people’s cruelty know no offense?” Nowadays, you know, they have the ADD and stuff like that. For kids in class who are like, “Hey, I would like to go out!” they go, “We’re going to drug you.” “Then you won’t want to get out… and run around in the grass and have fun with the stick.” “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good.” But, anyways, I’m old now, you know? I was young. Now I am old. Yeah. I learned some things in school. Now that I’m old, things scare me, you know? I think it’s the media that does it. Like, they go, “North Korea,” you know? And, I don’t know, it kind of scares… It doesn’t scare me that much, but… it’s supposed to scare you. But, like, are you really scared? Have you ever woken up, gone, “Ah!” and your wife says, “What?!” “North Korea!” That little, tiny country, way the fuck over somewhere. “I’m scared, honey. I’m scared.” I’ll tell you, Iraq doesn’t scare me, North Korea – none of those countries scare me. There’s only one country, really, that scares me in the whole country. Or in the whole… What do you call that’s bigger than a country but less than a galaxy? Earth. The entire earth, there’s only one country that frightens me – that’s the country of Germany. I don’t know if you guys are students of history or not, but… For those of you who aren’t, Germany, in the previous century – in the early part… they decided to go to war. And who did they choose to go to war with? The world. So you think that would last about five seconds and the world would fucking win, and that would be that. But it was actually close. And then… I don’t know how that worked, but… Then 30 years pass, and Germany decides to go to war again. And, once again, they choose as their foe… the world! And now… this time, they really almost win. So at this point you would think the world would go, “Germany, you’re fucking not a country any more, all right?” “What the fuck?” “You’re not a country because you keep going to war with the world,” and… no one does… “What do you think you are, Mars?” “Do you think you’re Mars or something?” But it’s fun to get old, you know? You start watching old things. You know those commercials that are toward old people? I was watching, for instance, on MeTV, I was watching uh… The Six Million Dollar Man, right? And he was in Paris, jumping over the Arc de Triomphe and everything like that. And then, just by luck or coincidence, they went to a commercial, and it was a commercial starring Lee Majors, the Six Million Dollar Man, but as he is today, like an old man. So he’s jumping over… And it was for the bionic ear. And it wasn’t the real bionic ear from the show, it was a fucking hearing aid. So you see him jumping over the Arc de Triomphe, and then it cuts, and he’s in a studio, like, “I can’t hear too good out of…” “This one’s no good at all. This one’s all right.” “This one may as well not even be an ear.” And you go, “Goddamn.” You can’t help but feel sorry for a man like that. Because you know, at one time, he got a phone call from his agent, you know? And he probably had all kinds of hope, you know? He answers, “Hey, Jerome! My God! I haven’t heard from you in 30 years.” “You’ve got something for me? Well, let me guess.” I bet I know what it is. It’s that movie I wrote: The Return Of The Six Million Dollar Man… starring Ben Stiller. “And then I show up as a judge for two minutes.” “Is that the one?” “No? What is it, then?” “It’s a… No, not out of this one. No.” “Well, what…” “What is that?” “That’s a hearing aid?” “Well… how much does something like that pay a fellow?” “It’s funny you say that, Jerome,” because when you say it, I realize that that’s only one tenth of what I used to get from a single episode of… “No, I’ll keep… I won’t… Sorry.” “Um… When do they have to know by?” “Oh, within the hour, huh?” “Well uh…” I guess, then, I would say um… “Yes, I’ll take that.” “Jerome, I have to ask you this.” Is there any way in the contract that you can put in that um… “I’m sad?” What about those commercials… Where the guy just tells you stuff you already know? There’s this one with William Devane, and he goes, “Do you like gold?” You’re like, “Yes, of course.” “You should buy a big bar of gold and put it in your safe.” You go, “Well, I wish I could. That would be very nice.” “Do you know gold’s always been valuable?” “Yes, I know everything you’re telling me.” “Daffy Duck told me that when I was a little kid. I know all about how gold is valuable.” There’s one that I don’t understand, but it’s kind of… It’s called “reverse mortgage.” I had never heard of one of these things. It has a guy on it, and he goes, “I’m a guy…” And I want to tell you about reverse mortgages. “You’ve probably never heard of them, but you all know what a mortgage is.” “That’s when you and your loved one,” you get together a grubstake – you know, a little bit of money – and, by God, you put it down on a piece of land or a house, you know? And then, every month, you pay what’s called a mortgage, you know? Which is some money to the bank. And then 20 years pass, or 30, and you have a big party with your friends. All your kith and kin come, and you burn the mortgage, and, by God, “you own a piece of the American dream.” “Anyway, this is the complete opposite.” “So uh…” we would be glad to send you some brochures. “It’s uh…” “It’s a picture of you with no shelter.” You know, I’m trying to be a better person. I don’t know if you’re religious or not. I’m sort of half religious, half not. I try to uh… obey the commandments. And it’s funny that some of the commandments are very easy to obey, and some are very difficult. You know what I’m saying? Like, “Thou shalt not kill.” Well, it’s pretty easy to obey that, you know? But then there’s other ones that are really hard to obey, like there’s one that says, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ox.” Now… I have this old scraggly fucking ox. I bought him used – that was my first mistake. And uh… the guy who sold it to me didn’t tell me about all the fucking diseases this thing has. So he fucking wanders around. He can’t pull anything. And he has a big thing around his neck, like a bell, and that causes him… neck problems, so I have to take that off. And then… Then I walk past my neighbor’s house, and I look in his garage, and here stands the most beautiful… like, blue-grey… Belgian ox… that I’ve ever laid eyes upon. And he’s brushing his lustrous… And I’m not supposed to covet it? I… “Thou shalt not bear false witness.” That’s a tough one. But it’s good, you know, not to lie, but it’s very, very hard, you know, not lying, because you want people to like you and… Do know what I mean? You want to… All kinds of reasons to lie. I thought of a way of not lying, and I’ll… I’ll share it with you, if you like? You can tell the truth, word for word, absolutely true, but when you do it… You use a sarcastic accent. So I’ll give you an example. Your wife goes, “Hey, I noticed at dinner you were looking at my sister.” You’re… You’re not attracted to my sister, are you?” And then you go, “Oh, yes, I forgot to tell you, I’m attracted to your sister.” She’s like, “All right, Henry. Never mind.” You go, “No. Why? It’s true. I want to fuck her. I…” “Hey, the only reason I married you is to fuck your sister, right?” She’s like, “No, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” “No! Why wouldn’t you bring it up? I mean, you’re the victim in this whole thing.” “I remember at the vows, I kept thinking,” I am going to seduce “every member of my wife’s family.” “Regardless of gender, I’m going to fuck all of them.” “Then, afterwards,” I’m going to invite them over to the house “and set it on fire, killing them all.” “And then I’m going to move on to the next town, where I do it again.” It’s like, “All right, Henry. We don’t need to hear it.” “You don’t have to be like this.” “Why? Why?” “You’re the good person in this scenario.” “I’m the guy that goes from town to town…” fucking and murdering entire families… “And leaving conflagrations of ashes that used to be human beings.” “I’m the most savage” and prolific serial killer that ever was… and I’ve just never been found out yet, “that’s all.” “Just go to sleep.” “Yeah, I’ll go to sleep, or maybe I’ll buy kerosene all night.” So, that’s just an example. You don’t have to do that one. I’m just… I’m just saying, that’s all.     But, listen, there’s important things going on in the world, it’s raining in the forest. I don’t want to get too political with you, but it’s a true fact. Now, I know… You know, I know uh… science, and I would not be surprised at all if, like, ten years from now, scientists went, “Goddamn! It’s good we burned down that motherfucking rainforest.” “It turned out that’s where all the spiders and snakes lived and shit.” “It’s what started that snake flu that nearly took everybody out.” Nobody knows nothing. But, you know, you’re supposed to crunch up cans, and I think it’s a good thing, you know? You’ve got the orange and then the green, there’s blue. You crunch the cans, and then you put that… And you should do that. I’m not doing it, but you guys… Should do it, because it’s important, you know? It’s always supposed to be for the people from the future. That’s how they try to trick you, you know? They always go, “The children are the future,” which is true, but they said that when I was a child. Then I grew up. I was like, “Here I am!” They were like, “Now it’s the other kids.” I go, “You fucker.” “I had a feeling there was something here.” “I know a Ponzi scheme when I see one.” “And now it’s the other children.” [cheering and applause]. Listen, this has all been wonderful. But I will tell you this. Nothing I have said, really, is of substance. I-I find… And it’s not just me. I find… Like, most of my act is just, you know… uh… gossip and… and trickery. Do you know what I mean? Like some cheap magician, you know? So, I’ll tell you the only thing I know for a fact, and it’s something that we all know. Everybody knows it, but it’s harder to act on it, it is. But the only really true thing is that… we all must love each other. And it’s very difficult, you know? It’s very, very hard. Hey, what about this? A dog loves people. Like, you think it’s hard to love people – a dog loves everybody. Like, a dog… Like, my dog, right, I’ve never seen such a… No judgement. Like, my dog, all he does is love me. When I wake up… I think he watches me sleeping, because when I wake up, he’s right there, and he’s like, “I love you!” He jumps up. He’s licking my face. “I love you more than anything! You’re the greatest!” I go, “Thanks. You’re cool, too. I love you.” “I love you more than anything!” “I love you, too.” “Remember yesterday when you threw that bone and it turned out to be a rubber bone?” “Yeah, it was a joke. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” “I wasn’t! I wasn’t! I was laughing. It was funny.” “Oh, you love me so much, and I love you.” This is the greatest thing. “I’m just going to kiss you and kiss you forever.” I go, “Yes, you can do that.” “I’m just going to keep kissing you.” Then I go, “OK, get the fuck away from me, all right?!” “Just leave me alone, would you?” “I’ve got to write shit into a magic phone and stuff.” I’ve got no time for this… “fucking dog stuff.” Then my dog goes, “You’re right.” “I find… You know, I love you, but I… I just push too hard.” “I push and I push and I push, and I push you away.” “I’m no good.” “I’m no damn good.” “But what say…” what say I just stood here and stared at you… Completely quietly… until, finally, you looked at me again… with some look of love, “and then I jump up and love you again?” And you go, “Yes, that would be fine.” “Do that.” They don’t judge, dogs. We judge, you know? All our love comes with caveats, you know? There’s no such thing as unconditional love with human beings. But dogs, they don’t care. They love… Hitler had a dog. Now, you think of that. I’m no fan of Hitler. I never liked him. I didn’t like him before it was cool not to like him. But there was a dog in history who loved Hitler more than anyone. He would wake up in the morning and go, “Where’s Hitler?!” You know? And Göring, or somebody, would go, “He’s not here. He’s doing some evil stuff.” “I’ve explained to you, he spends most of his time doing evil stuff. You can’t see him that often.” He goes, “OK. Yeah, I know.” I’m not trying to… Listen, Göring, I love you, you know? I love Mengele, I love everybody. All you guys are the greatest. “But it’s just Hitler is the greatest man who’s ever lived.” This is why we ask that you don’t use recording devices. Just… I don’t want to be with fucking Harvey Levin tomorrow or something. “Did you say Hitler was the greatest?” And what would be my fucking answer? I would go, “No, it was a dog.” That wouldn’t work. I would be fucked. But… I’ll be goddamned if I’m going to end a special talking about Hitler. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do – end a special… I’m going to call my special Hitler’s Dog."
1686242718-356,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Larry the Cable Guy – Remain Seated (2020) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/larry-the-cable-guy-remain-seated-transcript/,"[Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Larry, The Cable Guy! [crowd cheer and applaud] All right. Thank you. Please remain seated. Do not rush the stage. Thank you. Well, this is awesome.! Who cancelled? Thank you so much… for having me. This is a good-looking crowd. I’ll tell you what. Right now, Cracker Barrel’s wondering where all the regulars are, right? Look at this. This is good-looking! Well, good to be in Joliet! That’s right. [crowd cheer and applaud] I bet that’s the first time you ever heard that. [all laughing] I’m only kidding. Hey, I’m glad– Hey, look, I gave up a colonoscopy to be here, all right? So… This is a big deal for me, too, so thank you for coming. Daggum good-looking folks in Illinois. I’ll tell you that much. I love you, which begs the question, “What state are you from?” [all laughing] I’m only serious. All right, anyway. No, I’ll see you at the house. God bless you. Thank you. We’re gonna have fun tonight, I tell you. I’d done a show last night, and the folks that didn’t walk out on me really enjoyed it, so, uh… I always like to picture everybody naked when I first come out. You know, I’m not nervous or nothing. I’m just a pervert, so… [all laughing] Daggum, you need to put your clothes back on right here. -Aah, what is that? [crowd laughing] [chuckles] You should picture me without clothes on. Then you’d be laughing so hard, I wouldn’t have to tell any jokes up here. Sorry about my outfit. I just come from a wedding, so I apologize for that, but… It was a weird wedding, too. They had the father-daughter dance. They ended up leaving together. [all laughing] All right, one more joke like that, I’m getting the hell out of here, all right, ’cause th-that’s uncalled for, right there. I guess I should do this. Git-R-Done! [all cheering] That’s right, Git-R-Done! You know, the first phrase– That wasn’t my original phrase. The first one I’d come up with was “Yipper-dipper-ripper-scripper!” [crowd chuckles] I know, right? It wouldn’t fit on a hat, plus, I don’t know what the hell it means! All right? No idea. I was going to, uh, work out, this morning, but, I, uh– I woke up with a sweat, so I figured I already had done there, so, uh… [crowd laughing] Almost didn’t make it here tonight. Uh… I hate flying in airplanes. I had to fly to meet my bus, and I hate flying them daggum airplanes, and the daggum airport wouldn’t let me bring my emotional support stripper with me on the airplane. [all laughing] I ain’t kidding. When that plane gets a-goin’ like that, if I can’t motorboat a pair of titties, I’m in trouble. [all laughing] All right? It was so windy where I live one time, I lost my hat, two cigars, and my neighbor’s house. Lost his house, ’cause one of my cigars blowed in his trailer and burned his house down, all right? So let’s keep that to ourselves. It got out of control, too, it burnt down Cheryl’s she-shed.     [all laughing] All right? That’s right. Now you know the whole story right there. You know the whole story. Tonight’s a special night for me. Tonight is the 10-year anniversary when my hometown gave me the keys to the city and had a little parade for me. -So, uh, thank you so much. [applause] Thank you. Remain seated. Thank you. And tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary, again, when they, uh, changed all the locks in the city, all right? Well, it’s cold wintertime again. Do you like the winter? [crowd moaning] I hate it. I like summer better than winter. That winter kills me. My weenie’s been an innie for the last five days in here. Can’t– I ain’t kiddin’. I could flash a cop and not get in any trouble right now. It snowed the other day. I can only pee my initials in the snow, all right? But my upper body loves cold weather. My lower body can’t handle it. I wish they’d get together on the weather. It gets cold out… [clicks tongue] You could play “This Little Piggy” on my daggum nipples. He hates you, but they love– These little piggies went to market! Yeah, well, that little hog stayed home, all right? I guarantee you that. It’s cold everywhere. I was in Los Angeles, California. It’s so cold, I’d seen a junkie with his tongue stuck to the spoon, all right? My wife’s from Wisconsin. You think you guys get cold? Go to Wisconsin. Holy smokes. We was up there Thanksgiving. You know how cold it was up there? How cold was it?! That sucked! -Um… [all laughing] It was so cold in Wisconsin, the ice cream machine at McDonald’s was working. [all laughing] Now, I like hot weather. I like when it’s hot and humid. I love that. I lived in Florida for a long time. I love hot and humid. It was so hot down there one time, I seen a squirrel putting talcum powder on his nuts. [all laughing] Now, I don’t like it when it’s hot and humid and I gotta wear blue jeans everywhere. Holy mackerel, walking like this. Uh, we could film four episodes of Swamp People in my pants, all right? It was bad. I went in for a physical, dropped my underbritches, three mushrooms fell out. All right? [all laughing] I ain’t kiddin’! That explains why I kept getting followed by that truffle pig right there. I knew that much. I was two days away from them declaring my crotch a wetland area. [crowd chuckling] But they try to scare everybody now with the heat, don’t they? Try to scare you, make it hotter than it is. When I was growing up, 99 degrees was 99 degrees. Now it’s 99 degrees out, but the feels like temperature’s 103. It feels like? Who come up with that? A fisherman? The “feels like” temperature? Stupid! You know what? My wiener’s three inches, but it feels like nine! [all laughing and clapping] It’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. Well, my wife sent me up to the grocery store all by myself the other day to get some feminine products. You know. Celery, carrots, lettuce. [all laughing] Heh! I had to buy some chewing tobacco so I don’t look like a pajama boy sissy in there. Anybody chew tobacco? [man] Yeah! That guy. Ma’am, you. All right, perfect. That’s good. I like chewing tobacco, but I only do it ’cause it keeps you from eating sugar and eating bad food late at night, so… you can see that’s working out real good for me right now. That’s– Now I’m fat, and I got bad teeth! What the hell? I hate that grocery store self-checkout. What in the world? All the enjoyment of working at the store without the satisfaction of getting a paycheck. That’s always nice. You like self-checkout? I hate it. Every time I go in there, I get stuck behind some idiot trying to find a bar code on a cucumber in there. [crowd chuckling] You ever done this? You ever buy a Kit Kat bar? You got like 12 items, you got a Kit Kat bar, and then they look at you and go, “You gonna take that, or you want that in a bag?” That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there, all right? I know. They pissed me off last week. They done that with potato salad I had in there. I know! And they put a napkin and a fork on the daggum thing for me! [blows raspberry] Excuse me. Have you, uh… Have you ever seen somebody at the grocery store– You ever seen a fella in there staring at a head of cabbage? I was up there one time. I seen a dude all by himself staring at a head of cabbage. I got a theory about that. That guy’s wife sent him up there to get a head of lettuce. [all chuckling] All cabbage ought to come with a label on it that says, “This is not what your wife wants you to buy.” Three days before Thanksgiving, my wife sends me up to the grocery store to get some yams. 45 daggum minutes, I’m looking for yams. I can’t find a daggum yam. I come home. I said, “They ain’t got no yams up there.” She goes, “You mean to tell me three days before Thanksgiving, they don’t got no sweet potatoes at the grocery store?”     [crowd chuckling] “I’ll be right back.” [crowd cheering] Yeah. Christmas is my favorite time of year, it goes too quick. But, you know, at our house, we celebrate Christmas every day, and I’ll tell you why. Two reasons. Number one, we love the Lord Jesus. He was born on Christmas Day. -That’s why we celebrate it. And, uh… [crowd cheering] Number two, my sister looks like Burl Ives. [all laughing] I don’t eat good at Christmas, I’ll tell you that much. I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve, I put it on, it dialed 911. [all laughing] You know what killed me at Christmas last year foodwise? The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12 day Advent Calendar. Holy smokes! Them five golden wings had me turtle-doving all the way to the bathroom. I guarantee you. I ain’t kidding. I could have dropped my pants and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree right there, I guarantee you. Every time I start getting a little too fat at Christmas, so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift to hint around that I’m too fat. You know what they got me last year? A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria. [all laughing] We run our kids up to the Walmart last year to see the Christmas Village up there. We wasn’t there more than 10 minutes. Somebody was already running a meth lab out of the gingerbread house. [all laughing] The hell? I mean, I love shopping at Walmart, but daggum, that’s like a meth maker’s paradise in there, ain’t it? [chuckles] Walmart’s the only store in the world you can go and see somebody buying 16 boxes of cough syrup and some garden hose, nobody thinks that’s weird. [all laughing] You ever shopped at Walmart after midnight? Holy smokes! Ho, they ought to charge a cover charge in there after midnight. Daggum, it’s like a casting call for Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in that place. If you’ve never been to the circus, go to Walmart after midnight. You’re bound to see a couple of bearded women, a toothless wonder, and the fattest man in the world on a scooter up there. They got good deals after midnight, though. Last time I was up there after midnight, 75% off self-esteem. [all chuckling] That’s right. I walked in there like this. I walked out like this. I was like this. Oh. [audience cheering] That’s right. You can get everything at Walmart. Except good customer service. Holy smokes! Here’s my impression of the hiring practices at Walmart. Let me ask you this. Have you ever cared about anything in your entire life? [all laughing] [sighs] No? All right. You start Tuesday, all right? [chuckles] We’ll put you in the DVD department. My wife wanted to go to Walmart. She’s trying to find the cheapest mop, she could get for something she was doing, so we go to Walmart and get a mop, $4.95. Go up there to pay for the mop, and the lady goes, “You wanna buy the protection on this?” [all chuckling] You know what? I think we’re gonna risk it this time, all right? Got a 95% chance we’re gonna throw that away when we’re done with it, anyways. At our Super Walmart, you can get your hair cut. They got everything! My buddy got his haircut at Walmart. $20 for a haircut. Actually, $5 for a haircut, $15 for the hat you gotta wear the next three weeks, all right? Got a doctor’s office up at the Walmart. Holy smokes! People going in there. I was there the other day. They gave a guy three minutes to live in there. And he ended up getting hired as a door greeter once he walked out that door. [all laughing]     [chuckles] I had to go get a flu shot one time. I didn’t wanna go to the doctor, and my wife goes, “Well, shoot! Run up to Walmart. They’re giving flu shots!” Are you kiddin’ me? I ain’t gettin’ a flu shot at Walmart! Daggum. Normally I gotta get vaccinated before I go in there! [all laughing] Get a flu shot at Walmart! The flu’s the last thing I’m worried about at Walmart, all right? Daggum, they probably got Ebola behind a box in there somewhere I didn’t know about. I was up there one time. There’s a dude up front in a hazmat suit! I’m like, “Is it safe to go in there?” He goes, “Yeah, why?” I go, “You’re in a hazmat suit!” He goes, “No, I work here. I’m collecting the carts.” [all laughing] So every time I go up my local Walmart, I’m friends with a lot of folks up there, but every time I go up there, I see Doug. I always wave to Doug. I walk in, “What’s up, Doug?” Doug kinda, “Hey.” You know, every time, “Hey, Doug!” Let me ask you something. Have you ever called somebody the wrong name for about five years? [all laughing] [laughing] They don’t even acknowledge you’re calling ’em the wrong name? They just make you look like a douche bag for five years. Well, I finally got to talking to Doug three days ago. Her name’s Denise. [all laughing and applauding] [chuckles] So my buddy rented out– He wanted to save money on his wedding. He rented out a Walmart, got married at a Walmart. It was unbelievable. Got married in the jewelry department, and we had the reception in the deli over there, and… we all got our pictures took in the photo booth, and then we left, and they had their honeymoon in the men’s room. It was unbelievable, and there’s– It was a wedding made in China. Let me ask you this. Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know? What the hell? It’s like gettin’ a bill in the mail. I hate weddings. I was in one a while back, holy smokes! I ain’t saying the bride was overweight, but whoo! My buddy caught the garter belt. He’s still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup truck, all right? Boy, these were some– You should have seen the bridesmaids! Their corsages was personal pan pizzas, all right? [crowd laughing] I ain’t kiddin’ with you. They all went to school together. They was in the same sorority, so they had their sorority shirts on, you know, “Thelma Eda Tater.” My uncle just got married, 72 years old. My golly. He run out of Viagra on the honeymoon. So he ended up having to use a can of Fix-a-Flat. [all laughing] I know. To make a long story short, he overinflated, and, uh… spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube having to get a patch put on him down there. Hey, this is crazy. True story. Check this out. My mother-in-law, last month, won $400 in a hot-dog-eating contest. It’s unbelievable, $400! 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes, she ate. I couldn’t believe it! [scoffs] My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes! [all laughing] [applause] I know. Oh, she talks. I know! She can talk. She’s the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue, all right? I guarantee you. I’m not a big gambler. My– My grandma, holy mackerel. I’m not saying she’s addicted to Blackjack, but she’s got a medical alert bracelet on that says, “In case of emergencies, split the kings.” [all laughing] My wife likes to go with me when I go to Las Vegas, ’cause she likes to go see the Chippendales. Yeah. You know why she likes going to the Chippendales? Why, Larry? She didn’t marry very good. [all laughing] She married a chunkendale. [all laughing] She gives me money to put my clothes back on’s what she does. I like going out there to Las Vegas. That’s where you see all the 1970s-80s classic rock bands singing out there, you know? I like them bands. [cheering] Yeah, the only difference between seeing them bands now and 30 years ago, 30 years ago, go backstage, smell that pot everywhere, and now it smells like pot and Bengay, you go back of them things. They all still got long hair, too, Ain’t that somethin’? Unfortunately, it’s coming out their nose and ears on most of them fellas in there. Here’s one thing you never wanna hear a classic rock band say when you go to the concert. “Here’s one off our new album.” “Honey, let’s go get a beer. Nobody wants to hear that bullshit.” [audience laughing and clapping] No, sir! I went to see Molly Hatchet, and that was awesome right there. I like old Molly Hatchet. You know what was cool about it? After the concert was over, true story, I got to go in the lobby and take a picture with all the cardboard cutouts of the original members. [all laughing] I like going to the buffets out there, to casino buffets. They delicious. You ever been to the all-you-can-eat pasta buffet at the casino? Holy smokes! That’s the day I got red-flagged by the Plumbers Union right there, I’ll you what? Whoo! I had to keep a hard hat by the toilet for three weeks after I went in there. You ever use all the paper and have to end up finishing with the tube? Have you ever done that at all, anybody? I haven’t done it. I’m asking if you’ve had to do that! I ain’t done that! [crowd chuckling] We got a winner right here. We got a winner. [cheering and applaud] [chuckles] People got no manners at them daggum buffets. There was a guy actually sitting at the buffet! Pissed me off. I walk up there, “You know, you ain’t supposed to stick your face right in the dag–” [grunts] I felt bad he was in a wheelchair. Oh, man. Believe me, I felt bad. Not as bad as I felt, though, when I pushed him out of the way, I’ll tell you that much. “Get out of the way, roller boy.” I’m about to make some bad decisions right here.” [chuckles] I love that Golden Corral, that’s a good restaurant right there. Oh, that is good in there. They ought to have a scoring system at Golden Corral like they do in bowling, you know? Walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet. You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there, and that’d be something. “Hey, sweetheart, where’s my stretch pants?” It’s League Night at Golden Corral tonight.” I’d seen a couple get engaged at the Golden Corral. Hey, fellas, here’s a tip. If you’re gonna ask your girl to marry you at a Golden Corral, get down on two knees and do it, so she can’t kick you in the nuts. [all laughing] [clapping] I was down in Branson. They got stuff down there, buffets, holy smokes. They got an international buffet in Branson. It is crazy. They got food all the way from Memphis. Got a double-decker buffet. They got a double decker. One of the world’s largest buffets, double decker, spiral staircase. All right, that’s just what all us fat folks have been clamoring for out there, a buffet with a staircase. Oh, damn! I’m gonna get some more of them doughnut holes. “They’re upstairs.” You know what? I’m all right, I guess. I’ll be all right. I’ll stay down here, get some meatballs, put some powdered sugar on them. That’s what I’d do right there. Lot of old folks down there in Branson riding them scooters down there. I find that crazy. These folks have lost their driver’s license two decades ago, but they’re gonna go ahead and let them have motorized vehicles in a room full of pedestrians at the buffets down there. Trying to get food, they’re zipping by like it’s a drive-through. [blows raspberry] I went up to get some potato salad. It was like I was in a live Frogger game all of a sudden. You go like that. What the hell? [screams] I finally got hit head-on by some old dude trying to text and drive. He’s trying to send a crotch shot to Tinder, apparently. I was, uh… at a restaurant one time. You ever been to these restaurants, and you go to the bathroom? It can be any restaurant that you go to the bathroom, and then go take a leak in there, and they got a sign that says, “All employees must wash hands.” That scares the hell out of me right there. They need a sign to tell these folks to wash their hands? I mean, what the hell? Makes me wonder what kind of sign they got back in the kitchen we can’t see back there! Don’t snot in the coleslaw. [all laughing] Don’t drip your scrotum in the salsa. [crowd screaming in laughter] [chuckles] I know. Hey, that actually happened one time. That’s a true story. You remember that story? A waiter was mad at a customer, dipped his scrotum in the salsa! [groans] That’s why I always order the hot cheese dip. -[all laughing] -Yeah. [chuckles] That’s right. Most of your waiters aren’t that dedicated, all right? We live in a great country, though. I’ll tell you what? These people bitch about our country. This is an awesome country. We got– You realize there’s a buffet on every street corner in this country? Other people starving. You ever see that starving kid commercial? For eight cents a day, you can feed a starving child– Eight cents a day? Daggum, you can’t keep a gerbil alive for eight cents a day! Daggum, I go through 270 bucks a day, and I’m on a diet. [all laughing] Reading an article in the paper the other day, and… fella jumped off some mountain with one of them kites, Batman kites, and it didn’t work, and he slammed into something. It killed him, and it said, “Diver dies ’cause of freak accident.” Freak acc– That ain’t a freak accident! Y-You jumped off a building with a kite on your back! That’s a dumbass accident, is what that is. A freak accident? Ain’t no freak ac– I’ll tell you what a freak accident is. You’re down there at the local, you know, stop-and-shop down there and getting gas, and unbeknownst to you, there’s two clowns in a knife fight, and one of them falls and stabs you in the face. That’s a freak accident right there, all right? [laughter and applause] [crowd cheering] Yeah, buddy! Read another article one time. This is why I don’t like polls. I see an article. They said they polled in Washington, D.C. They polled 2,500 women, said, “Now that Bill Clinton’s way older, would you sleep with Bill Clinton?” Unbelievable! 94% said, “Not again!” [all laughing] Thank you. Good night. Thank you so much! Good night. Thank you. All right, I’ll stay. I’ll stay. All right, you convinced me. I’m gonna hang out for a while. Remain seated. Stupid polls. “Well, the polls indicate–” I ain’t ever been polled. You ever been polled? I haven’t been polled. Been polled? Been polled? Been polled? There’s only one poll I ever trusted. That’s the polls I do at my shows. And I’d done one last night, and I believe this. I polled all my audience last night. 87% of them said at this point in time during my show, they want their money back. [all laughing]     [woman] No! I’ve been, uh– Well, you’s one of the 13%. [all laughing] 87-13, yeah! 13% right there! Yeah! Right? I know my daggum math! [crowd cheering] [laughing] You know, I work a lot of fairs. I love working fairs. It’s awesome, ’cause I grew up in fairs! And I love fairs– What has happened to the clientele at the fairs lately, though? Holy smokes. I was up there the other day. There’s a dude walking like he’s bleeding from the nose, you know, walking like he’s got a daggum fart stuck sideways, heading down that thing down there. Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned. He came walking in, trying to get help or something. I mean, it’s unbelievable at these fairs. By the way, anybody ever ride a Greyhound bus? I used to ride them back in the early days of comedy, holy smokes! Only thing slower than a Greyhound bus is the people on the daggum bus. They’re a good value, though. I went from Sanford, Florida, all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska, one time, $49. Oh, man! 119 days! -[all laughing] -[sighs] Holy smokes! And the big selling point at the time was, “Now with more leg room.” What they needed was more head room so I could have hung myself halfway through the trip! [man] Git-R-Done! -Git-R-Done. So I won one of ’em big stuffed animals one time at the fair, which I hated, ’cause I had to carry it around the whole time. And I win something, and the guy goes, “What do you want?” and I said, “Well, give me that goofy-lookin’ minion right there, that little minion.” He says, “What?” I said, “That goofy lookin’ minion with the purple hat right there!” He goes, “That’s the manager!” [all laughing] You ever ride the rides at the fair? They scare the heck out of me. My little boy goes, “Daddy, can we ride the roller coaster?” “We ain’t ridin’ a roller– You do realize, son, they put that up in an hour in a parking lot, all right?” Probably got a bunch of parts left over on that daggum thing. “Remember last Christmas when I got you that bicycle and put it together “in 50 minutes, and you got on it, the wheels fell off, “and you racked your nuts, remember that whole day right there?” That’s gonna happen to you on that rollercoaster right there.” He’s like, “Come on, Daddy!” “No, we’re not doing it. That’s it!” So we’re on the roller coaster there, and, uh… Ugh! I was so mad. I almost puked on that thing. It went upside down. [groans] I get done, I go, “You didn’t tell me it went upside down.” The guy running it goes, “It’s not supposed to.” [all laughing] How about that Ferris wheel? You like that Ferris wheel? [sighs] Me, either! Oh, yeah, the Ferris wheel, that’s a lot of fun, isn’t it? Yeah. Nothing I like better in the whole world than being completely bored and terrified at the same time. [chuckles] Which, by the way, is the same thing my wife told me on our honeymoon right there, all right? [chuckles] You ever get stuck on the Ferris wheel? Oh, man! I was up there with my kids. We was stuck. They was crying, freaking out. Trying to calm ’em down. “Don’t worry, kids. We’ll be all right.” “I’m sure that guy running it with seven fingers and a pentagram tattoo, all right, “I’m sure, I’m sure he’ll have us down in no time here.” “Soon as he’s done smoking that joint, I’m sure we’ll be right down out of this deal.” Anybody ever been to the fair on Senior Day? [all chuckling] I went on Senior Day. Most popular ride on Senior Day is the ambulance on the way out of the fair. Daggum, there’s one leaving the scrambler every two minutes in there. Best part about Senior Day, though, it only lasts from 3:30 to 5:00, so that’s a good thing. They got special prizes on Senior Day. I saw an old guy bust a balloon with a dart, and he won a pair of Depends with a picture of Def Leppard on it right there. The food’s different on Senior Day. The fried foods. Anybody ever have fried Lipitor? [all laughing] They got a guy that guesses your weight at the fair. They need somebody to guess your cholesterol level in there. I had a buddy of mine used to do that. He used to try to guess people’s weight at the fair. I went with him one time, and… this girl come up there. She goes, “What do you do?” He goes, “I guess people’s weight.” She goes, “How do you win?” I mean, she was a looker. You could tell. [crowd laughing] He goes, “Well, I guess your weight, and then you get on a scale.” if I’m five pounds either way, I win, you lose.” She goes, “I’m gonna do it.” He’s like, “All right. Uh, oof.” “317.” [crowd laughing] She gets on there, “Ha ha, you lose! 345!” I’m like, “He loses? Are you kiddin’ me?” “I got John Deere attachments that weigh less than you do right now.” “Congratulations. You’re blimp worthy.” [all laughing] But you can gain weight at the fair. It’s all fried, heavy– You like the– You ever eat the corn dogs at the fair? [audience clapping] Oh, yeah! -Oh, I love ’em! Holy smokes! Have you seen the size of the fair corn dogs? Holy smokes! I’m not saying they’re big, but I was eating one at the rodeo, and the horse come by and winked at me. -[crowd laughter and applaud] -[sighs] -[laughs] [man wolf-whistles] They’re good value, though. They’re only a dollar. But what they don’t tell you, it’s another $75 for ’em to come out to your house and snake your toilet, all right? They neglect to tell you that. I’ll tell you what I really hate at the fairs. The Porta Potties they got lined up there. Oh, what a disgusting, wretched stuff that is. They ought to have a midway game where you can win scented candles and fly swatters, you know what I mean? I don’t go in ’em anymore. Uh-uh! I was in a Porta Potty five months ago, and, no lie, my eyebrows just grew back last Tuesday, all right? I don’t go in them Porta Potties. When I’m at the fair, I take a plastic bag, and I pee in a ziplock plastic bag. That’s what I do. My wife’s like, “Put that away. You’re embarrassing me!” “What do you mean embarrassed? You ought to walk proudly.” It looks like I won you a goldfish over there!” The fish right there. [laughing] It’s catching on, too. My buddy walked by. “Hey, Larry, look! I’m doin’ it, too! Look at that!” I’m like, “I told you that– Uh-uh, you’re not supposed to poop in it!” “What are you doing?” Get it out of here! Get it out of here!” You ever see what some folks wear at the fair? It’s almost they ain’t got a mirror at the house. I’d seen a guy, about 326 pounds, wearing Lululemon shorts. What in the world? He bent down to pick something up, I could see his Lulu and his lemons, all right? -Daggum… [all laughing] “Get up. You’re scaring my kids. This is ridiculous.” Couple of years ago, my grandma, uh, playing bingo at the fair… won her a spa package. But to be honest, I think they gave her the wrong package. Uh, she said that she was able to tolerate the Botox… but during the Brazilian wax, she farted and blinded the attendant. [audience laughs] [scattered applause] [sighs] Lord, I apologize for that right there, and be with the starving pygmies down in New Guinea. Amen. -[mouthing] Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. [audience cheering] [audience applauds] I saw my grandma topless… two weeks ago. [sighs] That’s the last time I let her drink before a concert, I’ll tell you that much. Daggum! It was embarrassing. It was windy out, so her boobies was flying around like one of them inflatable wind dancers in front of an oil change shop. -You know what I mean? [audience laughing] It was horrible. The Oak Ridge Boys didn’t even want to do an encore after they saw that. “Thanks a lot, Grandma. Your flapping titties just cost me an encore of “giddy up oom poppa maow maow” right there, all right? [scattered applause] I’m kidding. My grandma– My grandma’s awesome. She’s actually a widower. She’s trying to– She’s trying to meet some fellas now. She’s on one of them, uh, elderly dating services. She went on the Internet, Metamucil Mingle. -She’s been on that there for a while. [audience laughs] I think she’s on medical marijuana. I ain’t sure, but… she gave us a quilt the other day made out of Taco Bell wrappers, so there’s something going on there. [audience applauds, laughs] We almost lost my granddad. He’s 93 years old. He almost passed away– We almost lost him on the toilet. He almost died on the toilet. Boy, what a way to go right there. [sighs] Can you imagine dying on the toilet? I mean, what do you say to the relatives at the wake to make ’em feel better? I mean, that’s a tough one there. “Eh, Mrs. Eggerhof, we’re…” “we’re real sorry to hear about Ed. Man, that’s… [sniffles] [sighs] “But at least he died doing what he loved. -“You know, that’s–“ [audience laughing] “We– We heard he fought ’til the bitter end, and that’s the thing.” “He– He wasn’t a quitter, so he got it out.” “We’re excited, and that’s nice. We’re gonna light a match tonight and remember him at midnight, and, hopefully…” [scattered laughter, applause] I read a story one time. A fella got bit by a snake sitting on the toilet. He got interviewed. He said, “First thing I thought was I need to call animal control.” -That’s the first thing he thought? -[scattered laughter] If I got bit by something, the first thing I’d think is, “What the hell did I eat last night?” [audience chuckles] “Daggum. My food’s circling back on me here.” [audience laughing] We almost lost my grandpa. He sat on one of ’em power flush toilets. You ever seen them energy-savers? You flush it. There’s a– [mimics flushing] It goes like that? I mean, if you sit on it and flush, it’ll put a hickey on your hind end. I guarantee you. It will. But he sat on there– [mimics flush] Flushed it. Boom! Left nut down the drain. I ain’t kiddin’ with ya. True story! I wish it wasn’t, but that’s a true story. [laughing] I’m trying to help him out. I’m trying to yank him off that thing right here. It’s stuck in that little tube hole in there. [grunting] It’s like daggum Stretch Armstrong. Like… [grunting] And finally– [sputters] It comes lose, slow motion, right in my daggum head. [mimics slow-motion yell] It hits me. [mimics collision] It was like them little knocker balls. You ever seen them little knocker balls? “Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!” Bloodied my daggum nose. [audience chuckling] My wife’s like, “What’s going on in here?” [sighs] “His twig and berries went MMA on me, is what happened in here. I have had it.” [sighs] I love him. My grandpa, an alcoholic. We had a family reunion here a while back. We rarely get ’em, but we finally got everybody paroled at the same time, -so we were able to… -[audience laughs] My family’s– [sighs] What in the world! Don’t even wanna talk about ’em sometimes. My brother, he’s all stressed out now ’cause he’s been reading the papers. He thinks he’s gonna lose his job to a robot. I didn’t have the heart to tell him, if he look in his wife’s drawer, he’s already lost his job. [audience laughs, applauds] [whistling] It’s true. It’s true. My sister-in-law, she’s about 4’10”, 290 lbs. She used to model decoy stumps down there at Cabela’s many years ago. She had her stomach stapled last week. Nothing medically. She was at work and accidentally stapled some papers to her stomach there. But my grandpa’s an alcoholic. He’s drunk at the reunion. I said, “Grandpa, why do you drink so much?” He said, “Look around. I’m responsible for all this.” [audience laughs, applauds] [whistling] [Larry chuckles] My cousin hates Halloween. He hates Halloween, boy. I don’t mind Halloween. Out cat died two days before Halloween this year so we left him in the yard for extra decoration for the kids. [audience laughs] Do you dress up for Halloween? [audience members] Yeah! I did this year. My buddy, I wanted to help him out. He’s got a health food business he’s starting, a little gym in there, so I dressed up– Put on a dress and went as a “trans-fat.” [audience laughing] [whistling, cheering] [sighs] I always go with my kids trick or treatin’. You know, but here’s the problem. I’m very flattered people dress like me when they trick or treat. But it’s weird when I go, ’cause I’m just hanging out with my kids! They knock on the door, people are like, “Oh, look, little Batman, little Superman.” Ah! Larry the Cable Guy! That’s a good costume!” Then I always hear somebody from the back of the room. “Who is it?” “He’s dressed like Larry the Cable Guy.” Then I hear, “Ugh! That guy sucks!” [audience laughs] What the hell? Next time, I’m gonna go as Foxworthy, all right? How’s that? -That’s right. [chuckles] -[whistling] -I don’t care if anybody thinks he sucks. [whistling continues] [groans] Ugh! Anyway, my cousin hates Halloween. Hates it. He says to me, “I am so sick and tired of Halloween.” “I’m trying to watch the daggum TV show.” “‘Trick or treat?’ Every two minute– ‘Trick or treat.'” Gotta get up and give them candy.” I’m like… “[sighs] Calm down. [chuckles] Buddy, you ain’t gotta participate.” There’s ways you can get around the Halloween and kids.” You know what he did? Went down and registered as a sex offender. [audience laughing] I’m like, “You do know all you gotta do is turn your porch light off, right?” [laughing] You do know that?” He goes, “You think I’ve done something stupid?” “Yeah, I think you’ve done something stupid!” You’re the Sheriff, for heaven’s sake!” -[mouthing indistinctly] [audience laughing] [scattered applause] I always check my kids’ candy for poisons and razor blades. “Hold on, kids. You can’t eat that yet.” “I gotta check ’em for poisons and razor blades.” They come down later on. “Where’s all our candy?” “We live in a pretty bad neighborhood. I’ll be honest with ya.” “I swear we’re gonna move next year. I promise that.” “They ruined everything?” “No, not everything.” “They didn’t touch that box of raisins in there, but they…” Tell you what. Them Butterfingers, they was riddled with poison in there.” [audience laughs] I can’t eat like that no more. It sucks getting fat! Man, I’m trying to lose some weight. I gotta do something. It’s ridiculous! Ugh! I got on the trampoline the other day with my kids. I had two jumps, had to get off! I wasn’t tired or nothing. I had to get a ladder to get my boy out of a tree. [audience laughs] And it stinks, gettin’ older and fatter! And I used to be something back in the day, boys. I used to be something! I did. I used to run cross-country. You Google it. I think I still hold the state record for taking the most shits in the woods. [audience laughs] But I’m on a diet now. I’m eating nothing but Fruit Loops. But my wife has me on a…     [audience laughs] My wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheat day. So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun… one day a week. [quickly] Or anytime I drive by a fast-food restaurant when she’s not with me in the car. -All right, not there. -[audience laughing] [loud whistle] [normally] She’s a stickler, too, I tell you what. She’d be up there sleeping, 2:30 in the morning. Dog go down there and bark at the door for ten minutes, she don’t hear nothing. She’s racked out. I gotta go down there and let the dog out. So next day, I go down. I’m kinda hungry. I pour a little– little bowl of Cap’n Crunch down there. I hear, “Get out of the Cap’n Crunch!” [audience laughing] “What the hell? I should have barked when I poured that Cap’n Crunch in there, is what I should’ve done. It sucks gettin’ old and fat, I’ll tell you. I remember when my beard turned white, my– my wife was, like, trying to comfort me. “Oh, that’s okay, honey. I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.” Made me feel a little better. Then she goes, “It’s the corn in your teeth that’s disgusting.” -All right? [audience laughs] I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y’all believe I eat broccoli. -All right, so I ain’t saying that. [audience laughing] [sighs] Here’s the thing about getting older. You start losing your daggum memory. I can’t– I have a hard time remembering stuff now. It’s so frustrating. Have you ever left your groceries on the roof of your car? Yeah? For three weeks? -You ever did that? [audience laughing] I’m a hypochondriac. I always think I’m dying of something. I’m freaking out. Had a red blotch right there one time for a week, it’s freaking me out. So I go get a biopsy on it. Tested positive for picante sauce. [audience laughing] [sighs] Idiot! Cost me $1,000 to do that! Good news is, he wrote me a prescription for napkins, so that was pretty good, I guess. I always think I’m dying. Don’t ever look nothing up on the Internet, ’cause it ain’t good. It’s always lupus or Lou Gehrig’s, that’s what it is, one of them two. I think I got both of them damn diseases. Seen a commercial the other day for breast implant leakage. I had every damn symptom of a breast implant leakage in there. These stupid things. I ain’t kidding with you. Don’t ever look it up. It’s always lupus. Except for one time I had a lump right here. Honest. “What in the hell?” I look it up. “Ah, brain cancer That’s–“ [audience laughs] “That’s it for me. I’m a dead man. I got brain cancer.” You never learn nothing on the Internet, medically, looking it up. Except one time, I did. I found out that jock itch is also the name of a porn star in France. [laughing] And what is it about getting in your mid-50s, your big toe nail’s like a manhole cover all of a sudden? Holy smokes! I went to clip it the other day, the pin popped out of the clipper system in there. Holy smokes! Finally, I chip it off, hits my kid in the head, knocks him out, he’s bleeding from the eyeball. [audience laughing] I hate the waiting room, too, the walk-in clinic. Holy smokes, nobody’s got any manners in there, you know. Everybody’s sitting in there, hawking, hacking, coughing, farting, burping, belching– What the heck? Then you go see the nurse, “What are you here to see the doctor for?” “Well, it was a chest cold. Now I think I got hepatitis after being in there and…” Gotta go in there and wait ten hours for something. I could walk in there on bloody nubs, pulling my legs in a wagon in there… gotta sit for six hours. I ain’t sitting nowhere over an hour if I… ain’t got a wine list or something in there. [audience chuckling] Serve some beer. Boy, that’d be a game changer right there, wouldn’t it? Walk-in clinics start serving wine? [chuckles] “Excuse me, nurse. What wine do you recommend that goes with my itchy butthole?” [audience laughing] “Maybe a Boone’s Farm? Maybe a cherry wine or something like that or…” Then I finally get in to see the doctor, I got to wait on him in his room for another 45 minutes. Freezing cold, I’m in a backless paper gown. I’m a pair of high heels away from Caitlyn Jenner sitting in that office in there. [audience cheering] [thud] -Daggum. Yeah! -[whistling] Then he comes in there, and he looks at me. He looks around me. He looks in me. He lifts stuff up. He sighs a couple of times. It’s like a bad episode of Storage Wars every time I go to the doctor. [audience laughs] Then I spend all that money, waste all that time. You know what his diagnosis was? “You’re too fat.” [audience chuckles] Yeah, no kiddin’. What the hell? I could’ve stayed at home, and my wife’d tell me that for free. He’s like, “What are you gonna do about it?” “I don’t know. Hang out with people fatter than me, I guess.” Maybe take a selfie next to a cement mixer or something.” He’s like, “Well, you need to eat better. What did you eat last week?” “I don’t know. Go get my T-shirt.” [audience laughs] He says, “I want you to join a gym.” I ain’t joining a gym. Last time I was down there, I left a skid mark on the yoga mat. I ain’t going down to that gym. [audience laughing] He goes, “Well, get on a treadmill then. “Find a treadmill. Get on it. But start slow, and ease into it.” I don’t want you to have a heart attack.” Oh, that’s comforting right there. That’s when you know you’re a fat-ass right there. When cardiovascular exercise is like Russian roulette all of a sudden. “Honey, how much time you doing on the treadmill?” “I don’t know. Hopefully 30 minutes. I ain’t sure, all right?” “How’d he die?” “Sweatin’ to the oldies.” Weirdest thing I ever seen.” My buddy’s all mad at his doctor, ’cause he’s seen him driving a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. That’s good. Means you got a good doctor. I want my doctor to have a brand-new Mercedes-Benz. I don’t want to be a hour and a half away from open-heart surgery, my doctor show up in a ’78 Plymouth. You know, the door open up, a bunch of Pringles cans come falling out of the thing. [audience laughing] It’s like, “He thinks he’s better than me.” He is better than you. He’s a doctor. You’re a bouncer-slash-cook down there at Grits and Tits. I will say, though, and I hate admitting this, but sometimes I do think… that a doctor will talk you into a real expensive surgery just ’cause it’s more money. And I never used to think that way ’til after my hysterectomy, but… [audience laughing] I went and had a colonoscopy done. Boy, you ought to see the looks of the folks in that place. The looks on their faces, sittin’ in there, waiting on a colon– [chuckles] They all had that look like Wile E. Coyote seconds before he got hit by that anvil, you know what I mean? There was actually a guy sitting in a corner, holding up a sign that said, “Yikes.” They’re all for– And nobody’s nice to you. That’s the thing. I mean, not even the staff is treating you nice. And you know what’s fi’ing to happen. What in the hell? I mean, even Jiffy Lube puts out coffee and donuts. [audience laughing] And if I’m gonna go up there and they’re gonna start shoving stuff up my hind end, the least they could do is put out some bear claws. I was worried about that one. I said, “Oh, I gotta get a colonoscopy.” My wife’s like, “What are you worried about?” “Because they gonna put a camera up my hind end.” She goes, “Well, your head’s been up there eight months.” [audience laughing] All right, you do know you’re not funny, right? Worst part of the colonoscopy is the night before when you gotta drink the “go juice.” Holy smokes! I called waste management to give ’em a heads-up is what I did. “Hey, you better get some extra knob turners down there, ’cause… you’re fi’ing to have a donnybrook headed your way in five minutes.” Well, I was in there. I was reading a medical journal thing they had on the stuff they could do and what they– you know, all the operations they can do. Boy, what a time to be alive. I’d rather have a surgery now than 50 years ago. But some of the stuff they do– I read this article. They said they can now start to grow female reproductive organs in petri dishes for women that’s born with reproductive deformities. Ain’t that something? Boy… Like to be a kid now and get that chemistry set, I’ll tell you that much. Holy smokes. Ho. “Hey, where’s Larry at?” “Uh, he’s in the basement hoeing his vagina garden down there.” -[chuckles] That’s right. [audience laughing, clapping] Tell you what. Git-R-Done. That’s right. Yeah, they come up with a Twinkie tree, I’d never leave the house, I guarantee you. I guarantee you that. [audience laughing] I was in there. There was a woman breast-feeding in there, which is fine, that’s what you do. But if I’m being honest with you, the kid had to be four years old. [audience laughing] Isn’t that weird? [woman in audience] Yeah. I mean, I ain’t a woman. I don’t know, but four seems a little weird to me. I mean, I think when you’re breast-feeding, when the kid starts to incorporate salt shakers and a lime, you know what I mean? [chuckles] When he’s like, “Give me a squirt for my coffee,” maybe he’s a little too old for that, you know, maybe. Maybe it’s time to get him on the, uh, you know, titty milk 12-step program there in your area. I remember when we had kids, my wife used to have a breast pump, and she’d pump bottles. One time, she said, “Hey… you wanna taste that?” [chuckles] No. [audience laughing] Ha. She’s like, “Why? It’s better for you than cow’s milk.” [chuckling] Yeah, all right, whatev– Look, I’ve been on cow’s milk for some 50-odd years. I’m doing pretty good, all right. [chuckles] Only people I’ve ever seen drink your milk poop their pants eight times a day, all right, so… -[chuckles] [audience cheers] Ha. Ha. Yeah. [audience member whistling] Word out on the street is your product ain’t that good. -All right? [audience laughing] I seen a little baby, one-year-old, wearing glasses. How’d they know a baby needs glasses at one? What, he go to breast-feed and sucked the nose for nine months? [audience laughing] My neighbor’s got a newborn baby. And, uh, he fell in the toilet the other day, so… they got him sleeping in a bag of rice this weekend. [audience laughing] I got kids. I love my kids so much, but I tell you what, it’s unbelievable… how the Lord can create life. I mean, it’s unbelievable. You just see that little baby’s head pop out, you whole life is transformed and changed, and you just love it so much, and you cry, you know. And then, ten years later, that same thing, you wanna slap the living piss out of it, you know what I mean? It’s unbelievable, the whole different– I remember when my little boy was born. I was scared to hit a speed bump leaving the hospital for fear his head would go like that and crack open or somethin’. Here I am ten years later, driving down the interstate trying to drive, trying to get the perfect whack on the middle of his frickin’ head. And, uh, my wife’s like, “Be careful, you’re gonna crash.” I don’t give a shit. I’ll kill everybody in this car right now, all right? I could care less. I’ve had it with him right now. [audience hooting] It’s ridiculous. [audience hooting, whistling, clapping] Yeah, the Pope came out and said, “Married couples should have more kids.” That’s easy for him to say. Daggum Pope ain’t got no kids. How ’bout I drop my kids off at the Vatican for a couple of hours? How’s that sound? Yeah, see if they can get grape jelly out of the Pope hat, all right? [audience laughing] That’s why I never understood kidnapping. Really? You wanna put up with this bullshit? Are you kiddin’ me? Holy– You kidnap my kids, they’d be back on the porch in two days with an apology note strapped to the side of them. [audience hooting] Oh, but I love ’em. I don’t care what age it is, you put up with– I love ’em so much, I tell you. You know, I was gonna home school my kids, and them my wife reminded me, uh, we’re idiots. [audience laughing] [Larry chuckling] [chuckles] Hey, I was home schooled, and I-I loved it. I finished, uh, second in my class. [audience laughing] [chuckles] It wasn’t until two years ago, my mom told me that she’d made the dog valedictorian. -I don’t know what it is. [audience laughing] I worry about my kids. Oh, they’re so sweet. My little girl’s such a sweetie, and my little boy’s got a kind heart. And I just worry about bullies in sch– Oh. You know, I was bullied by a fourth grader one time, and, oh, I hated every minute of it. So I finally– I went home and told my wife she’s gotta go pick the kids up, ’cause I can’t handle it down there no more. Hey, you laugh. There’s some big-ass fourth graders out there. I mean, this girl, she wasn’t small. I’ll guarantee you that much. Remembered Father’s Day and my kids. By the way, Father’s Day is the biggest piece of crap holiday they got out there. That’s where your wife and kids take your money and buy you crap you didn’t want to begin with. All right? But my kids, they’re so sweet. They drew a picture of me. and put “We love you, Daddy” on it. And– Which is awesome. And I felt so bad, because instead of me going, “Man, I love my kids. This is–” The only thing I could think… when they gave it to me was… “I’m not that fat, am I?” [audience laughing] And it bugged me, and I told them, “Kids, I like the picture, but I’m not that fat.” They’re like, “Yeah, you are.” I’m like, “No, I’m not.” Yeah, so they took the picture and held it up to my cellphone, and it unlocked it. [audience laughing] Took a family vacation. Everybody wants to go canoeing, which I didn’t wanna do. Canoeing’s an old Indian word that means “butt blisters.” [audience laughing] Yeah, canoeing’s a lot of fun when you’re a fat guy. Yeah, that’s a lot of fun right there. My little boy’s in the front. I’m in the back. Going down the river for five miles, popping a wheelie, going in circles. Got a catfish stuck to my nipple. I can’t get it off of there. He’s like, “Why do I gotta wear a life jacket?” Because if this thing tips over, it’ll keep you alive long enough for me to save the Kentucky Fried Chicken over there, all right? [audience laughing] You know what the difference between canoeing with your wife and canoeing with your little boy is? [man] What? When you’re done canoeing, your little boy is still talking to you.     [audience laughing] [chuckling] My wife’s– My wife’s 13 years younger than me. -[hooting] -Git-R-Done. I’ll never forget the preacher’s words. “I now pronounce you husband and incoming freshman.” You know who doesn’t like it when you marry younger women? Older women. [chuckles] Not all of them. Just her mom and her aunt. Here’s the bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. They’re already ready to go out and start doing stuff you’re sick and tired of doing. You know? Like… leaving the house. [audience laughing] Fourth of July, she’s like, “Let’s go see the fireworks display.” “All right. What channel is it on? I’ll be down in a minute.” I know my wife loves me, though, ’cause she married me looking like this. [chuckles] The good thing about marrying somebody that looks like this is there ain’t a lot to drop-off on the years to go by. You know, It’s like buying a Kia, you know? Sure, it’s a Kia, but it ain’t gonna get no shittier than that. All right? [audience laughing] People said to me, “You know, your wife only married you ’cause you’re famous.” And I asked her. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I’m famous?” She said, “No. I married you ’cause you’re rich.” [chuckles] [audience laughing] What? I’m just kidding. I did ask her, though. I said, “Did you marry me ’cause I got money?” She goes, “No. It’s our money.” [audience laughing] My wife… uh, I love her so much. She goes to the spa every now and then. And I can’t ever figure the spa out. I go, “Why do you go the the spa all the time?” “‘Cause I like to sit in there and soak and think about stuff and relax.” “Well, we got a tub at the house. Can’t you soak in the tub at the house?” She goes, “Yeah, but at the spa, you don’t sit on the toilet and stare at me.” [audience laughing] My wife is sexy, too, boy. She likes to talk when we make love. That’s sexy right there. -[audience member hoots] -Oh, I love that. Make love every day. She says stuff like, uh, “You okay?” [audience laughing] “Why’s your face red?” “Blink twice if you can hear me.” I’m like, “Get off my leg. Oh, my chest. Ah, my chest. Get off. Get off.” Making love to my wife is like having a stroke with a happy ending. [audience laughing] I feel bad for her, too, ’cause I’m not handy around the house. [chuckles] I’m a comedian, you know? One time, I put up a towel rack. It fell off seven times. So she went and got a stud finder, and he put it up. I went shopping with her one time. And I hate this. Do I– “Does this make me look fat”? I hate that. I don’t know. Look what I’m wearing. Do you think I’m a fashion plate right here? “Honey, does this– Do I look fat in this?” “I don’t know. How much is it?” I’ll tell you if you look fat in it or not.” $400? [imitates pig squealing] [audience cheering] [Larry chuckling] Yeah. Anybody see the movie Cars? -[audience whistling, cheering] -All right, everybody seen that? That’s right. That’s how I’m able to afford these fancy britches right here. -[man] Yeah. -[Larry chuckling] I got a funny story to tell you about that. Here’s how I got that part. John Lasseter told me that I didn’t have to audition or nothing. He said he’d been to 200 celebrities, 150 voice-over artists. He didn’t have any clue. One day left, picked up Blue Collar Comedy CD. He heard my voice. Said, “That’s my tow truck. Get him on the phone.” [chuckles] That’s how I got the job. -It’s the craziest thing ever. -[audience cheering] I was so thankful. I’m not kidding. [whistling from audience] So thankful. So I go out there, and I’m nervous. I go out there. I’m nervous. It’s John Lasseter and Pixar, and he shows me around, and he puts me in this booth, and there’s the script, and he says, “All right. Just wanna let you know that, uh… “when we do these voices, I might, uh… “have you do the same voice, “same line, 12 times, but don’t think you’re doing bad.” We just get a lot of takes.” And then I said, “Okay, well how do you want– “How is Mater? Is he, kind of, a fast talker?” He goes, “What do you mean?” I go, “Well, just, I don’t know.” He goes, “He’s you. You’re Mater.” I said, ‘Well, yeah, but–” “No, just be you.” I’m like, “All right.” So my first line was, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. So he did his line and he pointed at me, and I just went, “My name is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh'”. And he started laughing and said, “All right, we got it.” [audience cheering] [Larry chuckling] Yeah, right? [chuckles] I think he might have done one more, and that was it, and– So now we do the whole movie. It was awesome. Everybody’s great. Six years later, we’re on the Fantasy Cruise, of Disney’s Fantasy ship. And it’s the very first time it ever went out there, and they’re all there, all the Disney folks, the Pixar folks. I did a show in the showroom and… and I thought this was the weirdest request, but I did it. John Lasseter asked me to go up and take the ship’s microphone and make a ship’s announcement. It goes all over the ship. And then, once I’m done as Mater telling everybody thanks for coming on the ship, then have Mater introduce you, and you tell everybody thanks for coming to your show. And I thought, “Well, that’s kind of weird, but… [chuckles] I’ll go ahead and do it.” And we laugh every time we think about it, but it’s the actual… uh, message I did on the boat. This is what it sounded like. “Hey, everybody. This is Mater, like ‘Tuh-Mater’ without the ‘Tuh.'” “Boy, I tell you what, I’m happier than a tornado in a trailer park “that you come on this Fantasy Cruise, and shoot, daggum, “if you ever get to Radiator Springs, “you and me will do us some backward driving.” “All right, then, don’t forget. You and me, we is best friends.” “Now here’s my buddy, Larry the Cable Guy, to say something to you.” Hey, everybody. This is Larry, the Cable Guy.” [audience laughing] Same voice! God bless you guys. Thank you so much… for an awesome night tonight. I hope you enjoyed everything, and Git-R-Done! [audience cheering] [Larry] Thank you so much. Thank you. [theme music playing]"
1686241873-146,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-segura-disgraceful-2018-full-transcript/,"Transcript of Tom Segura’s new Netflix Special Ball Hog (2020) now available here [Internal link] Filmed at the Paramount Theatre in Denver [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen… [audience whistling] Tom Segura! [audience cheering and clapping] [inaudible dialogue] Whoa! What’s up? Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was amazing. [audience whooping] Thank you so much. I wish I was home right now. -Um… -[audience laughs] No offense. Not personal. That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room. I’m like, “Well, I wish I was home right now.” -Uh… [audience laughs] I think it’s your thought too. I think you’re like, “I hope this is good,” but also, “Wrap this shit up so I can go home.” [audience laughs] I actually think that’s the meaning of life. Like, people are always philosophizing, “What is the meaning of life?” I’ll tell you the meaning of life. The meaning of life is, “Fuck this place. Let’s go home.” Now… [audience laughing and whistling] Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away from never leaving our homes again. -[audience laughs] -And I’m pretty fuckin’ excited about it. There… There are a lot of indicators if you’re paying attention. Like, number one, do you ever really process that you don’t have to leave your home to buy anything? You’re like, “Yeah, I order some things online.” No, no, no. You can sit on your couch, pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, “I want bananas. And I want hammers. And… [audience laughs] -I want an eagle’s beak.” -And then… -[audience laughs] Amazon’s like, [blows raspberry] “It’s on your fuckin’ doorstep.” How about that? [audience laughs] Isn’t that insane to you? You don’t have to leave your home to see people. You should. You don’t have to. Just hold up the same device and be like, “Hi.” [audience laughs] “Bye.” And you saw everyone. But the number-one indicator that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you. -Now… -[audience laughs] if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t been watching TV. There are endless commercials that air, where basically, a guy comes out and he’s like, “Doesn’t it suck to sit up?” [audience laughs] Something like that. And I guess the people are like, “It does suck!” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, get this fuckin’ bed. [audience laughs] You don’t have to sit up no more.” [audience laughs] They try to advertise that it’s for snoring. It’s because you’re a piece of shit. That’s why you got that bed. [audience laughs] All you’ve done is lay down. You’ve been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is, “I don’t even want to sit up. I want to go from here to…” -Mm… -[audience laughs] Well, wakey-wakey, little turd. How are you gonna change the world? That means in two years, we’re gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us, and we’ll just go, “Food.” And then a mechanical arm will come out. [audience laughs] And then you’ll go, “Shit.” And the bed will open. [audience laughs] And you’ll go, bah! And you’ll shit through the bed. [audience laughs] And then you’ll be like, “I’m tired. [audience laughs] I wanna rest. Oh, yeah.” -Mm… -[audience laughs] And we’ll all be 800 pounds. -I can’t fuckin’ wait. Now… -[audience laughs] Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently. I was on… [audience cheering] That’s right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth. -[audience laughs] -And… Yes. You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And…. [audience laughs] I beat him in this contest because I’m a better person, -but that’s not what I want to talk about. -[audience laughs] I lost about 50 pounds, and you know… Yeah. Maybe… Maybe you’re out there right now and you’re thinking, like, “Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that.” Probably not. [audience laughs] I mean, look what I’m doing right now. Can you do this? I don’t fuckin’ think so. [audience laughs] I’m just an awesome guy. But… [audience cheering and clapping] You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did, you get… I get so many messages. People are like, “You inspired me.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t mean to.” [audience laughs] People ask me like, “Will you coach me into weight loss?” -And I’m like, “Absolutely not.” -[audience laughs] One guy hit me up like 50 times. “Give me a message to get this kick-started.” “I’ll give you a message. When you look in the mirror, do you say, ‘I fuckin’ hate you’? Then you’re not ready. [audience laughs] Cry more and eat less.” Send. -That’s my message. -[audience laughs] Hey, you asked me. Now… I’ll tell you, on a grand scale, who’s helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks. And this is true. They have a national training campaign to try to trick you into ordering food. And this is why. They know you’re going to order a beverage. So, they try to lead you into food. Pull into any Starbucks drive-through. And now they greet you, they say, “Welcome to Starbucks. What can we get started for you to eat today?” -And you’re like, “Wait, what? -[audience laughs] I just wanted coffee.” And they’re like, “No shit. [audience laughs] What else do you want?” [audience laughs] You’re like, “I don’t know, sausage? I mean, what do you have?” [audience laughs] I don’t respect that. I like my shame straight-up and honest. And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out. And if you’ve never been… [audience cheering] If you’ve never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin’ life together and go. And I want you to go simply so you can experience the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food. ‘Cause you pull up and you go, “I’ll have a double-double, fries and a Coke.” And they go, “Will you be eating in the car?” [audience laughs] “Yeah, I think so.” [audience laughs] And they go, “I bet you will, you fat, fuckin’ pile of garbage.” Doesn’t that question sting? You’re like, “Am I living in my car? Why am I eating in my car?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they’re like, “Leave with dignity.” But if you say yes, it’s an open tray, and they go, “Eat out of that, pig.” [audience laughs] And then it falls in your lap and they go, “Pick it up!” [audience laughs] And you’re like, [mumbling] “Hot dog, french fries.” “Are you gonna jerk off when you get home ’cause you’re lonely?” And you’re like, “Yes, yes.” “We’re gonna give you a free milkshake because you’re bummin’ everybody out. We’re fast food workers. You’re making us sad. Get the fuck out of here.” [audience laughs] You can’t say “retarded” anymore. [audience laughs] It was just here. Don’t you remember? -“Retarded.” That’s how I… -[audience laughs] People get very upset. I don’t really support the arguments against it. When people are like, “You shouldn’t say it.” “Why?” “What if there’s one over there?” And you’re like… [audience laughs] We never said it like that. We were never like, “Look at that guy!” [audience laughs] You didn’t say it like that. You said it to describe an idea, or a situation, you know? If your friend was like, “I’ll pick you up at your house, and then we’ll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house. And we can get your bags. And then, we’ll come back over here after that.” And your like, “That’s retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?” [audience laughs] But now you can’t say that. Now you’ve gotta be like, “That’s not… smart. Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me.” [audience laughs] It’s not the same. You can’t say, “That’s gay.” Damn. [audience laughs] I used to abuse that expression, I’m not gonna lie. And never for anything remotely sexual. I just would say it all the time. If you were like, “I’ll have a water, no ice.” I’d be like, “That’s gay.” You know? [audience laughs] “Why do you have so many balloons? That’s gay.” Shit like that. [audience laughs] Can’t say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say “that’s gay.” But it has to be for something overtly gay. Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line, each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them. And they’re marching and going, “I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come.” -And then you can go, “That’s gay.” -[audience laughs] And even then they’re like, “Take it easy.” And you’re like, “All right, jeez.” [audience laughs] You can’t say “midget.” Goddamn it. [audience laughs] I never thought we’d lose that one. [audience laughs] You can’t say it. People get very upset. I never said it to be cruel. And let’s be honest. It was perfectly acceptable for years. The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive, is that it’s specific. You know what someone’s talking about. That’s what was great about it. You could be like, “I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget.” And you’d be like, “Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?” [audience laughs] But now, I can’t say that. Now, I gotta be like, “I saw a little person.” -And you’re like, “Was it a child, or…” -[audience laughs] Like, “No. Under 4’11” with the hands.” “Oh, okay.” [audience laughs] Now you know what I’m saying. So… You might be sitting in your seat now, going, “Tom, what can we still say? [audience laughs] What can we say?” I’ll tell you what you can say. White racial slurs. [audience laughs] All of ’em. Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky. Have fun. [audience laughs] Say ’em all you want. And if you’re not white, and you’re going, “Wait, are you saying I can say those?” -That’s exactly what I’m saying. -[audience laughs] Nobody cares. Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, “Hey, you fuckin’ guinea.” [audience laughs] And he’ll go, [laughs] “I don’t care. [audience laughs] I don’t give a shit.” It’s not a historically disenfranchised group. The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I’ll tell you why. The word honky is hilarious… in and of itself. But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word. It’s like this great indicator to know if someone’s racist. If they act like that word is offensive, run, okay? [audience laughs] You don’t believe me, watch the news. Next time there’s some racial fight in the news, they’ll find some hillbilly. “What happened?” He’ll be like, “Well, he called me a honky.” [audience laughs] And they’re like, “Did you pass out from laughing hysterically, or what happened next?” He’s like, “No, I stabbed him.” And you’re like, “Oh, shit. That’s fuckin’ crazy.” I’ll pay you to call me a honky. I don’t care. It’s a great word. I saw a racial fight recently, which is terrible, but I watched it. [audience laughs] How are you not gonna watch? You’re gonna watch every fight, you know? Fights have that weird quality. Fights are kinda like hand jobs, in that you don’t really want one, but you’re like, “We’ll see where it goes.” You know? [audience laughs] “Will you give it a kiss? No? All right.” So, you know. [audience laughs] Had to take a shot. So… I’m in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day. Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park. I’m walking through this park. And as I’m walking through it, I see a white guy. And he yells across the park to a black guy, he calls him a n… [mumbles] -And… -[audience laughs] When you hear that and you’re in public, you’re like, “Oh, my God. [audience laughs] I’m gonna die.” That’s your first thought. And then, another black guy, I don’t know if he lived in the bushes, but… [audience laughs] He popped out of the bushes, like… [audience laughs] if this is a bush right here, I just saw a black guy go, “Mm-mm. No. [audience laughs] Not in my park. Uh-uh” But it’s like, no one else saw that guy. Only I was like, “Oh, my God! I see that guy!” Like that. [audience laughs] It became my own personal movie. I watched him line up like the honey badger. He was like, “That one? All right.” He fuckin’ sprinted across the park. And he tackled the white guy. So instinctively, I just went, “Get him!” [audience laughs] But it took me a second to realize, I’m the only other white guy in the park. [audience laughs] Yeah, so like, ten black people turned and I went, “No! [audience laughs] Him, him! Our him!” [audience laughs] And they were like, “What?” And I was like, “I’m out, that’s what.” [audience laughs] And then they killed that white guy. [audience laughs] And for the record, I don’t give a fuck if they did. You know why? There is no such thing as white-guy loyalty. Okay? [audience laughs] I mean, there is, but those guys are obvious as they hold torches. -But the rest of us… -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] The rest of us are not having that shit. Let me tell you something, man. I’m jealous of inner-racial loyalty. ‘Cause I see it. If you’re white, you see it with other races. Asians, black people for sure. What I’m talking about… There could be a dangerous situation. Let’s say it’s a fight, and there’s a black guy in that fight. And then another black guy, that doesn’t know him, will go, “I’m gonna involve myself. [audience laughs] Just on account of us being of the same race. At our core, we are brothers.” I see that, I’m like, “Wow.” ‘Cause when you’re white and you’re in that situation, you’re like, -“Fuck that guy. I don’t know that guy. -[audience laughs] Do whatever you want to him. I don’t give a shit.” Let you do something like that guy in the park, and then look at me like, “Are you gonna help out?” You should know something. You’re about to get murdered. Okay? [audience laughs] I will fuckin’ take pictures as you’re beaten, and upload them, #honky #deadhonky. Fuck you, cracker. I’m out of here.     Now… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] I’ll tell you, it is fantastic to be in the people’s republic of Denver. It is a great city and, uh… [audience cheering] Absolutely love it here. I think you’ve probably already taken it for granted, your lax weed laws. And you forget. You forget the struggle that we all went through at one time. [audience laughs] We’re all traumatized by it. I hope you acknowledge that. We our traumatized by our upbringing, okay? If you’re over four years old, you are traumatized by this nation’s laws. And this is what I mean. I bought weed last week. The same dude I buy it from all the time. It was a public place. The first thing I said to him when he gave it to me? I go, “I’m gonna go put it in my car.” And he goes, “Why?” [audience laughs] And I just, instinctively, I go, “Cause weed.” And he goes, “Tape it to your fuckin’ forehead. Who gives a shit?” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.” [audience laughs] But we, as a nation, we have been traumatized by these horrific laws and people being imprisoned for having weed. And it highlights the absurdity of not only it having been illegal, and so crazy for so many years, but also, highlights how the next generation will not believe our stories about it at all. [audience laughs] There’s a zero percent chance they will understand what we’re talking about. It’d be like trying to tell a kid now, like, “Hey, you know pigeons used to deliver messages to people.” They’d be like, “What the fuck are you saying right now?” It would be the same thing. I’ll sit my son down one day and be like, “You know when I was your age, to get weed, I almost died.” [audience laughs] And he’ll be like, “Why? Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?” [audience laughs] “They didn’t sell it at 7-Eleven. Daddy used to get in cars with strangers.” [audience laughs] “Where are we going?” “Chill out.” “All right.” [audience laughs] The three-hour round trips to buy weed. “What kind of weight were you moving?” Twenty dollars’ worth of marijuana. [audience laughs] That kind of major shit. [audience laughs] I bought weed from a dude in a stand-alone trailer one time. Not a trailer park. A solo trailer. The most terrifying housing situation that exists. Where other trailer people are like, “Get the fuck out of here.” Kick ’em out. [audience laughs] I just walked up to that shit, 15. This dude’s like, “You trying to get a sack?” -I was like, “Oh, shit. Yeah.” -[audience laughs] “We could go do that.” I was like, “All right. Cool.” And he goes, “We just need to go get it.” I was like, “You don’t fuckin’ have it? [audience laughs] Isn’t that your sole responsibility?” I tried to play cool, “Let’s go get it.” He goes, “I’ll go get it. You stay here and watch my place.” And I was like… [audience laughs] “Okay.” [audience laughs] Then he goes, “There’s a .357 and a shotgun on my bed. Anybody comes in here, blast ’em.” [audience laughs] Inside? Paralysis. [audience laughs] But what I said was, “That’s what’s up.” -Like, yeah, man. Pow. -[audience laughs] [imitates explosion] [audience clapping] Then he stopped at the door. “But don’t shoot my mom.” I go, “Can we get a description before we agree to terms? [audience laughs] How about a height and weight on old mom?” [audience laughs] Not everybody agrees on weed. That’s fine, I don’t care. Like my parents, we don’t agree… They are not cool with weed. I don’t care. They’re old. I still love them. [audience laughs] My dad’s a Vietnam vet, you know. Some of them are cool… [audience whooping] -[man] Yeah! -…with weed. Some of them are not. Some don’t want to talk about Vietnam. -My dad does. -[audience laughs] Some are like, “I don’t want to talk about it.” And my dad’s like, “What do you want to know?” [audience laughs] Here’s what I wanted to know as a kid. It’s terrible to ask a stranger this, but this was my own father. And I’d seen a lot of movies. So, I’m like, “You were in the war. Did you kill anybody?” The first time I asked him, he goes, “No, I didn’t.” I go, “All right. Okay.” A few years later, I asked him again. “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “I was a lieutenant. I was in charge of people. It didn’t work like that.” I said, “Okay.”  A few years later, I asked again, “You ever kill anybody?” And he goes, “I threw grenades into bunkers.” [audience laughs] I go, “Were there people in there?” He goes, “There were, yeah. [audience laughs] Just little pieces by the time I got in there.” [audience laughs] Then last year, I go, “Did you ever kill anybody?” He goes, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy.” [audience laughs] Whoa. I can remember the first time we ever talked about weed. Because it was Christmas Day. That’s why it stood out. I was 12 years old. I think my sister brought it up. She was like, “I want to smoke weed.” And my dad goes, “You want to know what I think of marijuana?” And I was genuinely curious. I go, “What, Dad?” He goes, “I was at a party one time. And somebody pulled out a marijuana cigarette. And I said, ‘I’m out of here.'” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Cool story, nerd. You got any other ones?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Well, yeah. One time, I was in Vietnam, and some Viet Cong tried to sell my marines marijuana. So, I found him, and I picked him up by his throat, and I threw him on the ground, and I put my M16 in his face. And I said, ‘If you ever come here again, I’ll fuckin’ kill you.'” And I go, “Do you have any stories in between those two stories?” [audience laughs] Jesus. It’s Christmas, bro. Goddamn. [audience laughs] Two years after that, there was a woodpecker fuckin’ up our house. [audience laughs] This will all make sense. And… [audience laughs] Woodpeckers can really damage your house. I remember my dad paid a guy $500 to patch up that part of the house. A month later, the woodpecker returned. This time, my dad did not call the guy. He woke me up, his teenage son, on a Saturday morning. Picture you’re dead asleep. And my dad, whispering in your ear, with his potent dad breath. [audience laughs] He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep, “I need you to shoot a bird.” [audience laughs] I just go, “I don’t do that.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Figure it out.” [audience laughs] So, I said, “Okay, Lieutenant.” And I got an air rifle. I shot the woodpecker. I remember, I shot it mid-peck, so it was going… [imitates woodpecker] [audience laughs] Landed in front of me. So much bigger up close. Really big. Red feathers, distinct features. I was blown away. I bagged it up, I threw it away. I went over to my girlfriend’s house, I started telling her family about it over lunch. I should mention, at the time, my girlfriend’s family ran a wildlife conservation center. So… [audience laughs] I didn’t know my audience. But… I heard a few forks drop, and I look up. And her dad goes, “Oh, my God. You killed a long-billed woodpecker. That’s an endangered species.” [audience murmurs] And I go, “Oh.” [audience laughs] I said, “My dad made me do it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “How does that make you feel, knowing that you did that?” And I said, “There’s no better feeling than killing the enemy. -It was fuckin’ awesome. -[audience laughs] I loved it. [audience cheering and clapping] Those birds are extinct now. I did that shit. I don’t give a fuck. I’m crazy.” So… [audience laughs] Oh, man. Don’t you hate everyone? -Um… -[audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I mean, obviously, I’m not talking about you guys. But, uh… [audience laughs] No, I’ve been on this tour for a long time. Too long. And I meet people sometimes after shows, you know. I meet people, and it’s always a roll of the dice. I’ve been meeting lunatics. I mean, I meet people. I met a guy after a show recently. I’m shaking people’s hands, saying hi. Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh… [mumbles] And I go, “What?” [audience laughs] And he goes… [mumbles] I said, “Where am I from originally?” And he goes… [mumbles] [audience laughs] I said, “I was born in Cincinnati, but I moved around a lot. [man] Yeah! And he goes, “Huh.” [mumbling] And I go, “Are you a person that’s talking to me right now?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] And then I decipher that what he’s saying is, [in Southern accent] “I’m from Lafayette, Louisiana, about 20 miles south of there. There’s a bunch of Seguras down there. I thought maybe you’re from there too.” And I go, “Oh. Fuckin’ no.” [audience laughs] [mumbling] And then I realized, we have this whole population of Cajun people living amongst us, like they’re one of us. [audience laughs] And they’re not. Why do they have rights? [audience laughs] This guy had the audacity to ask me, he goes… [mumbling] [audience laughs] I said, “Did you just ask me if there’s a Redbox around here?” [audience laughs] [mumbles] I go, “I don’t fuckin’ work here.” [audience laughs] Like, I thought he was moments away from being like, “I do declare. I am a cartoon character and I’ve come to life.” Here’s all I’m saying. I support building a wall if it’s around the state of Louisiana because those people are out of their fuckin’ minds. [audience cheering and clapping] [mumbling] You fuckin’ swamp people, we don’t need you. [audience laughs] What are we gonna miss out on? [in Southern accent] “Where you gonna get your shrimp?” -Oh. -[audience laughs] What a contribution. [audience laughs] [in Southern accent] “No more gator, no more shrimp.” [audience laughs] Fuckin’ inbreds. So… [audience laughs] Cracker-ass inbreds, [laughs] we don’t need you. [audience laughs] Fuckin’ tell ’em. They’ll see this shit. Fuck you, cracker. So… [audience laughs] Probably checked in to 400 hotels this year. And when I tell you that this has happened to me more than half a dozen times, I am not exaggerating. Every hotel check-in begins, usually, the same. It’s standard. Hotels, you know, the people at the desk, they go, “Last name?” And this just happened to me. “Last name?” And I go, “Segura.” And the guy goes, “Whoa. Are you Japanese?” [audience laughs] And I go, “Hundred percent, yeah.” [audience laughs] He goes, “We don’t get a lot of Japanese people here. That’s pretty cool.” [audience laughs] So, I have to stop him, and go, “Hey, man. I’m not Japanese.” And he goes, [in gruff voice] “Segura. [audience laughs] Segura! Sounds Japanese.” I go, “That’s ’cause you’re saying it Japanese. [audience laughs] I could be Smith, and if you want to go [in gruff voice]  ‘Smith…’ -[audience laughs] -then it’s Japanese.” And he goes, “Well, what are you?” Which is fuckin’ rude. [audience laughs] Can I just say, it’s never important to ask that question. “What are you?” It’s never important to ask that. It’s sometimes important, but… -[audience laughs] -not a lot. When is it important? Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash. -Outside of that… [audience laughs] Sometimes it matters, so… I tell ’em. I go, “Segura is Spanish.” And he goes, “That’s weird. You look white.” [audience laughs] And I go, “I am white.” And he goes, “But you’re Spanish?” And I go, “Correct.” He goes, “Do you speak Spanish?” I said, “Yes.” And he goes, “So, you’re Mexican.” [audience laughs] And I go, “No.” And he goes, “I don’t know what’s going on.” [audience laughs] I said, “What’s going on is you failed fuckin’ social studies. [audience laughs] And you’re not too good at geography either.” And then I see his head drop like he feels bad. “Look, man. You understand there’s white people in Mexico, you know that.” -And he goes, “No, I don’t.” -[audience laughs] I said, “There’s white people there, black people there, even Asian people there. And if you really want to shit your pants, those Asian people, -they speak Spanish too. -[audience laughs] You don’t expect it, but they’re like, ‘Dim sum…’ [speaking in Spanish] -They are… -[audience cheering] Asian, and they speak Spanish.” [imitates explosion] Now, as you can tell, I speak beautiful, perfect Spanish. And… It is to no credit of my own. My mother is Peruvian, and her English wasn’t good. So, she spoke to us in Spanish. And that’s how I picked up on Spanish. I get so many different reactions when people find out I speak Spanish. I either get completely incredulous people who are like, “Holy fuckin’ shit. I can’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth right now. I think I’m gonna piss my pants.” And I’m like, “I don’t speak Aramaic. I speak Spanish. Why is this…?” They’re like, “It’s not supposed to come outta you, bro.” So, I get that reaction, or I get people who are like, “You speak Spanish? Yeah, I speak Spanish too.” I’m like, “No, you don’t.” They’re like, “No, I took four years in high school.” And I’m like, “Yeah, I played football for four years in high school, and the Broncos aren’t giving me a look this week. -So, no, you don’t.” -[audience laughs] [audience clapping] Your Spanish sucks. With a capital “M” for mierda. Now… [audience laughs] I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household, which means I listened to a lot of Spanish music. I only point that out… I think it’s important to point out, when you listen to Spanish music, it influences who you become, like all music would. For me, I used to listen to this singer named Juan Luis Guerra, a Dominican singer. And he would sing, just a lot of love songs. Songs with titles like “Si Tu Te Vas.” Which means, “If you were to leave me.” And the lyrics go: [speaking in Spanish] Which means, “If you leave me, my heart would die.” I’m ten years old and I’m like, “Oh, shit. [audience laughs] I don’t want that to happen.” So, I would balance it out. I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw. And you might know him by his stage name Too Short. And he would sing songs… [audience laughs] like “Blow Job Betty.” And… [audience whooping] I would go back and forth between these two great songwriters, you know? [singing in Spanish] ♪ I bust a left nut, right nut In her jaw ♪ ♪ Sperm on her cheeks Is all ya saw ♪ And that’s how I go through life today. [audience cheering and clapping] Today, I’m basically like, “Hola…” [grunting] [audience laughs] Sorry, Mom. Now… [audience laughs] By the way, is there any more satisfying feeling than letting an elevator door close on somebody? I did it… [audience cheering] I did it at the hotel earlier. [laughs] I got such a warm rush through my body. It felt like the inside of my body hugged the outside of my body, you know? [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, “Why does this feel so good?” I think it’s a taste of power. Like most of us, we have no power in our everyday lives. But if you’re alone in an elevator, -you are lord of the elevator shaft. -[audience laughs] You get to decide, like a king with his drawbridge. There’s “Hold Open,” and “Close.” And you can watch people walk up and be like, “Mm-mm.” -And you hit that. -[audience laughs] And then you see it close, and you’re like… [laughs] [audience laughs] Sometimes, a second later it opens, and you’re like, “Fuck!” [audience laughs] You get nervous energy, like you’re a kid. You’re like, “I’m in trouble.” [audience laughs] It’s always some lady who’s like, “You didn’t see me?” “I don’t even know how this thing works. So many buttons. I tried all of them.” [audience laughs] I was trying to figure out, like, where is power the most equal, you know? I think it’s a parking lot. Just hear me out. It doesn’t matter what you drive. If you drive something, that parking space is yours. And when you are ready to leave, and other people are looking for a place to park… -Oh. -[audience laughs] Don’t you love that moment? Like, you’re walking back to your car from the mall on a Saturday, and you’re done shopping, and see you people like, “Ah… [audience laughs] Where will I park?” [audience laughs] And then they see me. “Hey, are you…?” -I’ll be like, “I don’t know. -[audience laughs] Maybe.”
 I like to give them false hope. Do you ever do that? They’re waiting for the brake light. First, they have their blinker on, like that’s an official… “My blinker’s… That shit is mine.” “Okay. Are the US Marshals gonna back you up on this shit right now?” [audience laughs] But they want your brake lights to appear, ’cause that means you’re starting the car. So I’ll just hit my brake. And release it. [audience laughs] And you feel the tension rising. You’re like, “This is exciting.” [audience laughs] And then they snap, and they’re like, “What the fuck are you doing?!” [audience laughs] And that’s when I go, “I’m eating In-N-Out. I’m… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] I’m gonna have this burger now. It’s probably gonna take an hour, I don’t know.” Then, as soon as they drive by, “No, I’ll eat it later. I’m gonna take off.     [audience laughs] Yeah. I’m very philosophical, you guys. I feel like life is about timing, you know? Timing. When to pull out, when to… -[audience laughs] -stop wiping. When do you ask a professional athlete for his autograph after a home play-off loss? And I think the answer is never. Thankfully, one of my friends doesn’t think this way. It is my favorite thing that’s happened in my adult life, okay? One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati. He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay? Now… Yeah, I know. They’re tough. So… [audience laughs] He goes to their game, they lose, which isn’t weird. -And then… -[audience laughs] he decides he’s gonna wait in the tunnel, and ask players for autographs. Now, if you’re like me, you might be wondering, “Wait, are you friends with, like, an eight-year-old boy or something?” No, it’s a grown man. So… picture me in the tunnel of the stadium, -like, “Hi, guys. – [audience laughs] Keep your head up.” [audience laughs] “Can I have an autograph?” And he said they were all like, “No.” And some of them were like, “Fuck you.” Imagine your heroes being like, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] [Segura laughs] Oh, my God. And then, Adam “Pacman” Jones walked out of the locker room. Now, if you don’t follow football and you’re like, “I don’t know who that is,” well, how can I best describe him? Um… One time he went to a strip club, and a bunch of people got shot. [audience laughs] And then, that happened two more times. What’s up? [audience laughs] I’ll give you a sense of his vibe as, bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang. He is not approachable. So… [audience laughs] my honky-ass friend… [laughs] [audience laughs] [man] Whoo! the biggest honky in America… [laughs] [audience laughs] goes, “Pacman! [audience laughs] Will you sign this football?” And he said Pacman went, “What?” Which to me would’ve been like, “So you don’t? All right, cool.” [audience laughs] My friend just decides to make it more clear. He’s like… “It’s a football. And you play it. [audience laughs] And I just watched you. Uh… [audience laughs] Will you sign this?” And he said Pac goes, “What the fuck did you say to me?” Which, now, I’m like, “Why are you still there?” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “I think, ’cause I’m actually shitting myself as it happens.” But now he knows he’s got one shot. Pac walks right up to him, like, “What’d you say?” My friend, he just goes, “Look, man. It’s a football. [audience laughs] It’s for my dad. And my dad loves you.” He said Pacman looked at him and he said, “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him.” [audience laughs] That’s the end of the story, but… [audience laughs] [audience clapping] [Segura laughs] Don’t you love the juxtaposition of angrily being like, “You tell that motherfucker,” but then, “Don’t forget to say thank you.” [audience laughs] I’ve been trying to incorporate that into my life. I was at an airport bar, I was getting up, and they called my flight. The bartender goes, “Somebody recognized you. They sent you a drink.” “Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it. And he goes, “What the hell did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] I said, “Fuck his mother, I appreciate her. Tell him that.” [audience laughs] Asshole. So… I still haven’t found a place for it, but I’m working on it. So… I met, um… Like I said, I meet a lot of people. I met a woman after a show recently. They’re allowed at my shows. And… [audience laughs] See? They’re here. And, uh… [audience laughs] She came up to me and she was like… [giggles] [audience laughs] -It’s a very specific woman, all right? -[audience laughs] I do feel like I just did a .02-second impression. Everybody’s like, “I know who you’re talking about right now.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause every city has…. [giggles] [audience laughs] You know my favorite part of that woman? If you go, “Why are you laughing?” She’ll go, “I’m not.” [giggles] [audience laughs] Okay. So, she comes up to me and she goes, “Funny show.” [grunts] And I go, “Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” So, I go… [audience laughs] I go, “Thank you.” “Are you gonna go jerk off all over your hotel room now?” And I was like, “Ugh.” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m probably just gonna pick a spot, you know? I’m not gonna…” [audience laughs] She goes, “Yeah, I get it.” And I was like, “Good.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “I’m super horny.” And I go, “Okay.” She goes, “I’m horny the way guys are.” And I go, “No, you’re not.” [audience laughs] Then she goes, “Yeah… I am.” [audience laughs] And I said, “You’re really not.” And she goes, “Yeah, why do you say that?” And I said, “Let me tell you a little story. [audience laughs] When I was a freshman in college, I looked like this. I looked 47 years old.” [audience laughs] It was alarming to other students. [audience laughs] They would see me walking through the door, and they’d be like, “Are you a fuckin’ administrator here or something?” I’d be like, “I’m a freshman. I’m 18.” And they’re like, “You’re a narc, that’s what you are.” [audience laughs] This is my birth face, man. I’m 41 Jump Street. So… [audience laughs] With this face, came great responsibility. I bought alcohol for our entire dorm. I don’t mean three or… Everybody. It wasn’t even a challenge. I looked so old, that when I walked into liquor stores, they’d be like, “Hello, sir. How’s the stock market today?” Shit like that. [audience laughs] I bought booze. Everybody got booze. I did the same thing with pornography. Let me tell you, before you jump at me like, “Why would you do that? You could just watch it in your dorm room online.” Well, the story takes place in 1997, and… [audience laughs] there was a lot of buffering back then. That is the truth. [audience laughs] I don’t know if you remember the late ’90s or were even around, but porn in the late ’90s was like, “Ah. Hm.” [audience laughs] “Ah. Hm.” Who am I kidding? I use my right hand, so, “Ah. Hm.” Now… keep in mind, I’m not buying porn for a couple buddies. It is for an entire building of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college. You can’t wrap your head around how massive and specific these orders were. [audience laughs] I would go door-to-door, and guys would hand me cash and their wish list. They’d be like, “I want black cocks, asses and feet. Don’t fuck it up.” -I was like, “All right.” -[audience laughs] Do you know what kind of a psychopath I looked like walking through a porn store with a grocery list, like… [audience laughs] “Mom said not to forget.” [fakes laughter] [audience laughs] So, one day, I am buying outrageous amounts of porn. And the owner of the store comes up to me. “You should go to this other store.” And I’m like, “That is a weird thing to tell your best customer, man.” [audience laughs] So I go, “Why?” And he just goes, “I just think you’ll like it.” And so I go, “Okay.” I go. He sends me to… I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a cement-block building with no sign or address. The kind of building that’s like, “I don’t know. You fuckin’ guess what’s in here.” [audience laughs] Well, I walk in, and I see a man wearing overalls and no T-shirt. Which, I think we all know, is the international uniform for the last guy you’ll ever see. Now… [audience laughs] this guy… is behind the counter. He looks up and sees me. And the first words out of his mouth are, “Piss fetish?” -And I go, “What? -[audience laughs] No.” And he goes, “Oh, I got a full bladder. Don’t want to waste it.” And I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughs] I said, “Is that what you do around here?” And he goes, “Among other things.” [audience laughs] I said, “Well, then, show me around. -Let me see what else you have.” You know? -[audience laughs] I don’t want to be closed-minded. So we go through the store. He shows me movies and toys. He goes, “We got a booth. You can put in a quarter.” And I go, “Yeah, I got it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “But this here’s our VIP. And you’ll notice, there’s a hole in the wall. And if you’re standing in there, someone might stick their finger through that hole. And they’ll go just… like… this. And if you want to, you stick your prick in that hole, and [clicks tongue] someone will suck it on the other side. [audience laughs] And my dumb ass goes, “Is it a guy or a girl?” [audience laughs] He goes, “You see any other cars in that parking lot, Junior?” [audience laughs] So then I felt a pool of diarrhea forming inside of me. And fear shooting down my spine. As I was certain I was gonna get kidnapped and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty. So I said… [audience laughs] “I”ll just take my movies. Thanks.” So lady, when you say you’re horny “the way guys are,” I ask you, are you willing to go into an unmarked building and wait behind a wall for a stranger to stick his dick through a hole in that wall? And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, polish it off for the love of the game? Because that’s what savages men are. [audience cheering and clapping] And she goes, “Yeah. I’m not that horny.” And I go, “I know.” [audience laughs] See, I just feel a responsibility to remind women of what pigs men are. If you’re a woman here with a man right now, you should know he is two drinks away from walking to that booth. -And honestly… -[audience laughs] I’m no better. If he had answered my question differently… “Is that a guy or a girl?” He went, “I don’t know.” I’d be like, “I don’t fuckin’ know either, so…” [audience laughs] “She’s got a rough chin on her, for sure. Where’d you go, man? I don’t see you anywhere.” All right. I lost some of you on that one. That’s how that goes. -So… -[audience laughs] I see. Some women are like, “Mm-mm. [audience laughs] My man would never do that.” Okay. Sure. [audience laughs] You want to know how big of a pig your man is? He’s however big of a pig you give him permission to be. Every man has unlimited “pig-tential.” [audience laughs] Just needs a little nudge from you, coach. How about that? [audience laughs] Doesn’t go both ways. Isn’t that fascinating? If you’re a guy, you can’t be like, “I want you to eat it from behind.” She’ll be like, “The fuck did you just say to me right now?” [audience laughs] But a woman can go, “I want you to eat it from behind.” And we’re like… [mumbles] -[audience laughs] “I’m gonna take some home in a doggie bag.” [barking] [audience laughs] [audience whistling] I’m getting older. I know. We all are. But I am. I feel like I’m getting old. And I know you guys are looking up, you’re like, “What? You’re perfect.” But that’s on the outside, you know? [audience laughs] You know what the biggest kick in the balls is? Is when your vision starts to decline. Especially if you’ve had perfect vision. I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve had excellent vision. I’ve had vision that’s off the charts. Like, if I’m hanging out with friends, and there’s a sign ten blocks away, I can see it. “How do you see that?” “Jesus loves me. I see it. I can see it right now.” [audience laughs] And now I have, like, the squint of death. Or I look at shit like that. People are like, “You all right?” “Yeah. I’m just looking at shit. Don’t you ever look at shit?” [audience laughs] And it’s tough to accept. I’ve been in denial. You know where you can’t be in denial anymore? The DMV. I went to renew my license. And when you go, you sign and you pay. Very casually, the lady goes, “Can you read line three?” And I was still arrogant about it. I was like, “Pfft. Check this shit out. [audience laughs] A, X, G, L, seven.” She goes, “Seven?” [audience laughs] I go, “What the fuck is that? [audience laughs] I don’t think I’ve ever seen that symbol before in my entire life.” And she goes, “That’s a T.” So, I went… [chuckles] [audience laughs] “Pretty close.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Yeah, you’re right. That’s pretty close.” [audience laughs] It’s the Los Angeles DMV, so… I leave. I’m in a panic. I go straight to my doctor. I go to the same abusive asshole doctor I’ve been seeing for over a decade. [audience cheering and clapping] I walk into his office. I go, “Dude, test my vision.” And he goes, “You should get a prostate exam.” [audience laughs] I’m like, “For my eyes?” And he goes, “You should do it.” “I’m not even 40.” He goes, “Try it.” -I’m like, “Try it? -[audience laughs] Like a sorbet? Just see if I’m into this flavor?” And he was like, “Yeah.” And I go, “All right, you’re my doctor. So, okay.” So, I’m naked. I’m in the fetal position. He lubes up. It is a ton of lube. I didn’t know that. I was like, “That’s why I’ve never had success with this before.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re gonna feel a little bit of pressure. And that is my cock… It’s my finger,” like that. [audience laughs] It’s moderately funny. But if someone’s finger is going in your ass, as they say that, you’re laughing. I promise you, you’re laughing. [audience laughs] Just out of appreciation, you know. You’re like, “You said cock.” [laughs] [audience laughs] That’s crazy. And then he checks, rather aggressively, I would add. He goes, “You feel all right.” I go, “Okay.” Then he goes, “Hey, if you want a second opinion, -I could put another finger in there.” -[audience laughs] So, I go… [laughs] “Get it out.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Well, stop laughing. Every time you laugh, you’re clamping on me. I can’t get my finger out until you stop laughing.” And I go, “Get it the fuck out. Now.” [audience laughs] Then I sit up. I go, “Did you just give me a prostate exam so you could run those two lame-ass jokes by me?” [audience laughs] -And he goes, “Yes, I did.” -[audience laughs] And I said, “It was really funny, actually.” [audience laughs]     Then he tested my vision. He washed his hands, he tested my vision. [audience laughs] And he goes, “You’re right. You have latent farsightedness.” I go, “What does that mean?” This is his quote. “Your vision’s always sucked. You just didn’t know it.” [audience laughs] I go, “Do you care to explain more?” He goes, “Think of it like this. Your eyes have been fighting to make you think you can see well. And now they’re tired. [audience laughs] That’s why you’re here.” I go, “Dude, that’s like me saying, ‘I’m young, uh, and my skin got tired. Now I’m old.'” [audience laughs] He goes, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” I go, “No, it isn’t. [audience laughs] I’m just old and blind.” “Don’t forget you’re balding.” And I go, “I know. [audience laughs] I used to have hair, but they got tired, then they fell out.” And he goes, “Now, you’re getting it.” I’m like, “Dude. [audience laughs] How do you get paid to do this?” And I get why you laugh at my physical flaws. Physical flaws are funny. They just are. Disabilities are not. But some are. [audience laughs] Most aren’t. We know those ones, you know? Like, if there’s a 10K or a quilt. That’s pretty bad, but… [audience laughs] The rest are up for debate. [audience laughs] If you’re sitting here and you’re like, “Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?” Well, luckily for you, I have three examples. First… foreign accent syndrome. Some of you know about it, some of you don’t. It’s real. You can look it up on your way out of here. Some people experience head trauma. Not funny. But they wake up speaking their native language with a foreign accent. Very funny. [audience laughs] I defy you to watch interviews with these people and not piss yourself laughing. [audience laughs] Do you understand? Like, a farmer in Alabama who’s normally like… [mumbling] -That guy… -[audience laughs] hits his head and is now like, “Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh… It fell.” That’s not funny to you, you piece of shit? Really? [audience laughs] The best case ever of foreign accent syndrome happened in the UK. Not only was it a British woman who lived her entire life in the UK, she’d never left the town she was born in for 33 years. She was in an accident, and she woke up speaking English, but with a Chinese foreign accent. [audience laughs] Did you hear what I just fuckin’ said? [audience laughs] Do you now believe in God and his awesome sense of humor? [audience laughs] A British lady, who, her whole life, was like, [in British accent] “Hello. It’s a bit of a whiffle, isn’t it? – Like that. – [audience laughs] Now says, [in Chinese accent] “I have not had my conversation, -and it’s over three year now.” – [audience laughs] First, do you know how hard it is to do that impression without squinting? Secondly… [audience laughs] if you’re getting uncomfortable, like, “Whoa. He’s mocking an Asian accent?” No. She’s white. This is fine. -A white… -[audience laughs] British lady just happens to say, [in Chinese accent] “Would you like… a cup of tea? [audience laughs] Taste good? [audience laughs] You want milk? You want biscuit? Oh, good. You want me suck the dick now?” -I don’t know, whatever. -[audience laughs] She’s a nice British lady. She can say whatever she wants. If you’re sitting in your seat right now and you’re like… [grunting] “I don’t think it’s funny.” Well, don’t get your tits in a tussle. I got two more for you. So… [audience laughs] [audience cheering and clapping] What about persistent genital arousal disorder? [audience laughs] That is a fancy way of saying, “Never not coming.” These are people that have orgasms every 90 seconds. And they can’t have jobs. Why can’t they have jobs, Tom? ‘Cause they’re coming all the time. [audience laughs] It’s not appropriate for you to be like, “Can I try on this shirt?” And the guy’s like… [grunts] [audience laughs] “Fuck your shirt. I’m gonna wear my old shit. I’m not wearing your fuckin’ shirt.” Can you imagine? You’re like, “We’re out of orange juice.” Or… -[audience laughs] -Oh. “Just bring water, that’s too much sugar. I don’t want any more of that.” Some people suffer from both of those afflictions. It’s rare, but it happens. Can you imagine that? You walk up to somebody like, “I’m sorry to hear about your dad passing away.” And he’s like… [audience laughs] “That feels good.” [audience laughs] I made that one up. That’s not true, but… [audience laughs] That was cheap, but that was fun. Now… If you’re still not on board with this, how about an old reliable one? You know, how about Tourette’s syndrome. Yeah. Maybe you’ve heard of that. If you haven’t, let me tell you. When I was in fifth grade, my parents sent me to a new school on a Wednesday. I’ll never forget. It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass. So picture, you’re a new student at a new school, you don’t know anybody, and the first thing you’re doing, is you’re going to church. So, I walk in and the priest starts the service. He goes, “In the name of the Father, and the Son…” And the kid in the row in front of me goes, “Fuck your cunt.” [audience laughs] And I’m like, “Oh. Uh-uh.” Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, “Holy Spirit.” -Starts reading from the Bible. -[audience laughs] -This kid goes, “Lick my balls! -[audience laughs] Fuck you!” I am laughing so goddamn hard. But I know I’m not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I’m having a stroke. I’m ten. I’m like… [mumbling] I have tears running down my face. And finally I am able to get out, “How come nobody else… [audience laughs] is laughing?” [audience laughs] And the kid next to me goes, “He’s got Tourette’s. It gets old.” [audience laughs] Three years I was at that school. That shit never got old. That was… [audience laughs] the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon me. And I’ll tell you this. The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born, was the day we had a substitute teacher that year, and they didn’t warn her about him. [audience laughs] Your imagination is serving you correctly. [audience laughs] It was glorious. I watched a ten-year-old boy break a grown woman’s spirit. [audience laughs] These poor substitutes don’t know what’s going on in your class. She walked in… Somehow, they didn’t tell her. And she’s like, “Read chapter three.” And his ticks would build. Meaning, they would start small. So he would be sitting in class, like… [mumbles] [audience laughs] [mumbling] So she goes, “What’s going on?” And we’re like… [gasps] “She doesn’t know.” [audience laughs] And he would do this every day. He would take markers and paint his own shirt. Every day he did it, but she doesn’t know about it. She sees it. “What are you doing?” “What do you think, bitch?” -[grunts] -[audience laughs] Then he starts painting his face with the marker. And she goes, “Stop that.” And he goes, “Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you.” And she’s like, “What’s happening? What’s happening?” And we go, “That’s Kevin. Why are you crying so much right now?” [audience laughs] She killed herself. She’s dead. So… [audience laughs] She’s out of teaching, but she’s fine. So… I know. Some of you guys are like, “Jesus, he’s a real jerk.” I’m not that bad. I’m not. I’m a new dad. How about that? I, uh… Yeah. [audience cheering and clapping] Yeah. It’s the best. It’s awesome. Guys always hit me up. I don’t know why they trust me. “Should I do it?” And I’m like, “Of course you should do it. It’s the best. It’s awesome. They’re amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy. It’s way easier than being a mom.” [audience laughs] Here’s all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously. Don’t abandon your kid. That’s it. That’s all you gotta do. [audience laughs] No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder, especially at the beginning. And that’s why I don’t like when I hear men complain about it. I have friends that are like, “My kid cries a lot.” And I’m like, “Yeah, ’cause you’re his dad. That’s why he cries a lot. If I saw your face first thing in the morning, I’d bawl my fuckin’ eyes out too, so…” What do you mean, “He cries”? He can’t talk, you dumb-shit. “Ah” means something. Figure it the fuck out. That’s why they make them so cute. Did you know that? [audience laughs] It’s so you don’t strangle them. [audience laughs] My son is so fuckin’ cute. He’s not Asian-baby cute, but he’s right below that, you know? [audience laughs] Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined. I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby. [audience laughs] But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so… [audience laughs] Five? I don’t know. Can we please stop, collectively, as a society, stop pushing the myth that having a baby is a selfless act? I hear people say that shit. “It’s the most selfless thing… -[mumbles] -[audience laughs] that you’ll ever do.” No, it’s not. It’s not selfless. It’s selfish. Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall in love with a miniature version of you. [audience laughs] What’s more selfish than that? You’re like, “This is awesome. It looks just fuckin’ like me. [audience laughs] I’ve never loved anything more in my entire life. [audience laughs] My favorite parts of you are the parts that look like me. [audience laughs] Some parts look like you. Those parts are all right, but… [audience laughs] the parts that look like me are amazing. I would do anything for you, mostly because I feel like I’m doing it for myself. [audience laughs] You’re the best, new fresh me.” [kissing] [audience laughs] That’s what you’re doing. You’re populating the world with more of you. You’re saying, “I’m fantastic. [blows raspberry] -Here’s another one of me.” [audience laughs] Do we really need that many more of you? Yeah? I mean, do we? I mean, Martin Luther King Jr. had four. I get it. He should’ve had ten. But you? [audience laughs] All excited about, “Crab legs are on sale at Costco on Sunday, y’all.” [audience laughs] I think we’re all good on you. I think maybe you should stop. Now, I’ll be real with you. If you’re wondering about it, about parenthood, you’re gonna have no more time. It’s okay, ’cause you’ll still have moments. Time and moments are different. What’s time? Time is like, let’s say tomorrow you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed. And then you go, “Fuck today.” And you go back to sleep. [audience laughs] You got a lot of time on your hands. Moments are like, you take a sip of something. “That’s good.” That moment is now over. See? [audience laughs] You live in moments. Masturbating is important, you know? You appreciate it more when you’re a parent. I look forward to masturbating more than sex. You know why? ‘Cause I know I’m gonna treat me right. That’s why. Yeah. I love it, man. I clear the bed. The dogs can watch, but nobody else, you know. [audience laughs] I’m at the point now where I taunt myself. Any of you do that? I’ll lay in bed and I’ll be like, “Who’s been a good boy? Oh. [audience laughs] Who’s been good? Who’s been bad?” And then I grab my balls from behind, like, “Who the fuck was that? [audience laughs] Did you…? You brought somebody?” “I didn’t bring anybody.” But… I keep it exciting. I’m telling you the truth! [audience laughs] “Cool shoes, Tom. Where’d you get ’em.” All right, I’ll tell you. So… [audience laughs] I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon. And did a few shows. Big show like this. A group came up to me afterwards, and they go, “We noticed you have Nikes on. Do you like them?” And I go, “Yes.” [audience laughs] “Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?” And I said, “Not really. No. I like your shoes. I don’t want to see your office, man.” And he goes, “Well, you can shop at the employee store.” So, I go, “What’s that?” He said, “It’s a warehouse that has every product imaginable. And you would get 50 percent off.” And I go, “How about I rent a U-Haul and I empty your fuckin’ store tomorrow?” [audience laughs] He goes, “Have at it.” I get excited. Next morning he calls me. He goes, “I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike, but you’re not allowed to shop in our store.” And I go, “Why?” He goes, “We put your name in our system, and it was flagged.” I’m like, “Flagged. By Nike. For not doing sit-ups? What the fuck is that all about?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “No. You’re a person of influence.” And I go, “Excuse me?” He goes, “You’re an entertainer. We call that a person of influence. You’re not allowed to shop in the store.” I go, “That’s fucked up.” “You can try to go through the entertainment division.” “What’s that?” And he goes, “That’s free stuff.” I go, “All right.” So… [audience laughs] I get that number and I call. And this guy answers, “Nike Entertainment.” And I go, “Hey. Tom Segura.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m a person of influence.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “Okay.” And I go, “I’m calling about my free shit.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “All right.” And I go, “So, how do you want to do it?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “We’ll regroup, and we’ll get back to you.” And I go, “Okay.” And they never called, so I bought these Adidas for $130. So… [audience cheering and clapping] Fuck you, Nike! [audience laughs] Let’s see if you even survive without my purchases now. [audience laughs] You want to know how crazy that company is? I told that story in New York City at a show. And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number, and called me and goes, “I was at your show last night. And I think it’s very rude that you’re telling that story.” And I go, “Pfft. I think it’s rude that you didn’t give me free shit.” [audience laughs] “I think you should stop telling that story.” And I go, “Fuck you. [audience whooping] Get out of here, man.” [audience cheering and clapping] And he goes, “Fuck you.” [audience laughs] And I go, “Why don’t you change my diaper?” [audience laughs] And he goes, “What?” I said, “You heard me, bitch.” [audience laughs] And it was at that moment I realized, we have this amazing insult at our fingertips -that we’re just not utilizing enough. -[audience laughs] Why isn’t “Change my diaper” part of the lexicon? It should be the ultimate insult. It should be “Fuck you.” “Why don’t you fuck your mother?” “Why don’t you change my diaper?” Game over. [audience laughs] I’m serious. Rappers should wear them in videos, and be like, “Change my diaper, bitch.” [audience laughs] The president of another country should tell ours… [audience laughs] “Change my diaper, orange man.” [audience cheering and clapping]     And listen. If you’re a parent, you know exactly why that insult is so appealing. If you’re not, let me key you in on a little secret. There’s a reason your asshole is the only part of your body you can’t physically see. It’s a fuckin’ horror show, okay? [audience laughs] When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years. And my son shits with his eyes closed. I don’t know how often you do that. I’m guessing it’s twice a year. Maybe the day you get back from Cancun, and when you tell the lady in the Thai restaurant, “Yeah, I can handle my spice.” [audience laughs] My son, every single shit, he’s like… [grunts] And when he’s done, he makes eye contact, and you’re like,  “Whoa.” And he pushes out the last bit as he stares through you. He’s like… And you’re like, “Ugh. You’re nasty as hell. Gross.” Just once, it would be nice if, as I’m cleaning my son’s shit-filled asshole, if he would look up at me. “Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it.” And I’d be like, “Yeah. And I appreciate you.” [audience clapping] Thanks, Denver. You’re so much fun. Have a great night. Appreciate you very much. Thank you so much. [audience cheering and clapping] You’re the best. [audience cheering and clapping] Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Love you. Good night."
1686241403-26,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Hasan Minhaj at 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/hasan-minhaj-white-house-correspondents-dinner-transcript/,"Hasan Minhaj’s full comedy routine at the 2017 White House Correspondents’ Dinner. The comedian told one blistering joke after another about the sitting President of the United States, Donald Trump, and the media that covers him.  Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. 
 The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. 
 It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. 
 Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. * * * Thank you, wow, oh my God. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the series finale of the White House correspondents’ dinner. Oh man. My name is Hasan Minhaj, or, as I will be known in a few weeks, Number 830287. Who would have thought, with everything going on in the country, that a Muslim would be standing on this stage — for the ninth year in a row, baby. We had eight years of Barack. What’s another year? I see you, fam. I see you, Barry. What you doing? You jet-skiing while the world burns. That’s cool. That’s cool. That’s cool. For those of you who do not know me, I’m a correspondent on the Daily Show on Comedy Central. Now, I see some of you whispering to each other. What is Comedy Central? It’s basically an internship for Netflix. I would like to thank Jeff Mason and the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me. I would say it is an honor to be here, but that would be alternative fact. It is not. Uh, no one wanted to do this. So, of course, it lands in the hands of an immigrant. That’s how it always goes down. No one wanted this gig. No one. Don Rickles died just so you wouldn’t ask him to do this gig, all right? RIP to Don Rickles, the only Donald with skin thick enough to take a joke like that. RIP to the legend. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s my only — that’s my only Trump joke. I was explicitly told not to go after the administration, I promise you that’s my only Trump joke. Believe me. It is amazing to be surrounded by some of the greatest journalists in the world and, yet, when we all checked into the Hilton on Friday we all got a USA Today. Every time a USA Today slides underneath my door, it’s like they’re saying, “Hey, you’re not that smart, right?” USA Today is what happens when the coupon section takes over the newspaper. Is this an article about global warming or 50 cents off Tide? Either way, the pictures are so pretty. Tonight is about defending the First Amendment and the free press, and I am truly honored to be here, even though all of Hollywood pulled out. Now that King Joffrey is president, it feels like the Red Wedding in here. For the record, the WHCA is a group of journalists; they are not King Joffrey’s goons. I am so glad you are all here to honor a great American tradition because we all know this administration loves deleting history faster than Anthony Weiner when he hears footsteps. So thank you for being here. Okay, listen, I get it. I get it. We gotta address the elephant that’s not in the room. The leader of our country is not here. And that’s because he lives in Moscow. It is a very long flight. It’d be hard for Vlad to make it. Vlad can’t just make it on a Saturday. It’s a Saturday. As for the other guy, I think he’s in Pennsylvania because he can’t take a joke. Now, for the nine people watching on C-SPAN, there also was another elephant in the room, but Donald Trump Jr. shot it and cut off its tail. You know, a lot of people told me, “Hasan, if you go after the administration, it would be petty, unfair and childish.” In other words, presidential, so here we go. I get why Donald Trump didn’t want to be roasted tonight. By the looks of him, he has been roasting nonstop for the past 70 years. Historically the president usually performs at the correspondents’ dinner, but I think I speak for all of us when I say he’s done far too much bombing this month. Now, a lot of people in the media say that Donald Trump goes golfing too much. You guys are always like, “He goes golfing too much,” which raises a very important question: Why do you care? Do you want to know what he is doing when he’s golfing? Being president. Let the man putt-putt. Keep him distracted. Teach him how to play badminton. Tell him he has a great body for bobsledding. Play him tic-tac-toe. The longer you keep him distracted, the longer we are not at war with North Korea. Every time he goes golfing, the headline should read: Trump golfing Apocalypse delayed Take the W.     This is great. I love this. Even if you guys groan, I’ve already hired Kellyanne Conway. She’s going to go on TV Monday and tell everybody that I killed, so it really doesn’t matter. But I love that everybody is drinking, having a good time. This is beautiful. You know that Donald Trump doesn’t drink, right? Does not touch alcohol, which is oddly respectable. But think about that. That means every statement, every interview, every tweet — completely sober. How is that possible? We’ve all had that excuse, haven’t we? Been like, “I said what? No, listen, babe, I swear to you I was hammered. That’s not who I really am.” What does Donald Trump tell Melania? “Listen, babe, last year on that bus with Billy Bush? That’s exactly who I am.” He tweets at 3 a.m. sober. Who is tweeting at 3 a.m. sober? Donald Trump. Because it’s 10 a.m. in Russia; those are business hours. You know, now that a professional wrestler is our president, anything is possible. You know that statement ‘anything is possible,’ used to have a positive connotation? Anything is possible! Now, we’re all like, “Anything is possible.” Anything. The news coming out of the White House is so stressful, I’ve been watching House of Cards just to relax. I’m just like, “Oh, man. A congressman pushed a journalist in front of a moving train? That’s quaint.” Now, it’s not just the president who decided not to show up. His entire administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here; she’s busy curating her collection of children’s tears. Now, a lot of people think Betsy DeVos is out of touch with working-class America, but you listen to me, and you listen to me right now: Every morning, Betsy DeVos is up at 5 a.m., putting her children on their flight to school. So don’t you tell me she’s out of touch, okay? Hey, has anyone seen Rick Perry since he became energy secretary? I have a feeling he’s sitting in a room full of plutonium, waiting to become Spider-Man. That’s just my hunch. Now a lot of people think Steve Bannon is the reason Donald Trump dog-whistles to racists. That is just not true. Ask Steve Bannon. Is Steve Bannon here? I do not see Steve Bannon. I do not see Steve Bannon. Not see Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Nazi Steve Bannon. Frederick Douglass isn’t here, and that’s because he’s dead. Someone please tell the president. Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. Sooo … good job, ladies. Because of you, we couldn’t hang out with Mike Pence. Now, Ivanka Trump isn’t here, either, and I wish she was. Because if she was here, I would ask her the question we’re all thinking: Why? Why do you support this man? ’Cause I get it. We all love our parents. But we wouldn’t endorse them for president. If someone was like, “Hey, Hasan, should your dad be president of the United States?” I’d be like, “My dad, Najme Minhaj? The guy who tries to return used underwear to Costco? No.” Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote no — just no, which happens to be his second-favorite N-word. You know, even Hillary Clinton couldn’t be here tonight. Hillary Clinton couldn’t — I mean she could have been here, but I think someone told her that the event was in Wisconsin and Michigan. What? What? You guys, Nate Silver told me that joke would kill. Nate Silver told me there was a 74.1 percent chance of that joke killing. I believed you, Nate. Did you hear that groan, Nate? I can’t believe I believed you, man. Okay, enough about House Slytherin, we are here to talk about the truth. It is 2017, and we are living in the golden age of lying. Now is the time to be a liar, and Donald Trump is liar in chief. And remember you guys are public enemy Number 1. You are his biggest enemy. Journalists, ISIS, normal-length ties. And somehow, you’re the bad guys. That’s why you have to keep your foot on the gas. Especially with Sean Spicer, who is not here tonight because I think he is at home googling how to fake his own death. But I love it when you give it to Sean Spicer. Sean Spicer gives press briefings like someone is going through his browser history while he watches.
 Just panic. Like, “No, wait, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. Stop shaking your head. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” It is the best.
 Now, you guys are laughing, but realize Sean Spicer has been doing PR since 1999. He has been doing this job for 18 years, and somehow after 18 years his go-to move when you ask him a tough question is denying the Holocaust. That is insane. How many people do you know that can turn a press briefing into a full-on Mel Gibson traffic stop? Only the Spice man. Only the Spice man. You know what’s crazy? Every day on the Daily Show, we do these jokes all of the time. We’re like: “The administration lies. Trump flip-flops.” It doesn’t matter. His supporters still trust him. It has not stopped his momentum at all. It’s almost as if the Daily Show should be on C-SPAN. It has left zero impact. It’s true. And I realized something: Maybe it is because we are living in this strange time where trust is more important than truth. Supporters of President Trump trust him, and I know journalists, you guys, are definitely trying to do good work. I just think a lot of people don’t trust you right now, and can you blame them? I mean unlike Anderson Cooper’s bone structure, you guys have been far from perfect. Remember election night? I mean, that was your Steve Harvey Miss Universe moment. The look on your faces at 11 p.m. on election night. It was like walking into a Panera Bread and finding out your sixth-grade teacher has a part-time job there. I was like what? Mr. Leddington? I guess you don’t have all the answers. It was all fun and games with Obama, right? You were covering an adult who could speak English. And now you’re covering President Trump, so you have to take your game to a whole new level. It’s like a bunch of stripper cops have to solve a real-life murder. Fox News is here. I’m amazed you guys even showed up. How are you here in public? It’s hard to trust you guys when you backed a man like Bill O’Reilly for years. But it finally happened. Bill O’Reilly has been fired. But then, you gave him a $25 million severance package, making it the only package he won’t force a woman to touch.
 Now, in O’Reilly’s defense, he was told by a close friend: “When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.”
 You guys are having a hard time with Jesse Watters right now, too. He’s on a break right now. Right, he’s on a break. Just like my childhood dog is staying on a farm upstate. I get it. I know that move.
 Now, I know some of you are wondering, “Hasan, how do you know so much about Fox News?” As a Muslim, I like to watch Fox News for the same reason I like to play “Call of Duty.” Sometimes, I like to turn my brain off and watch strangers insult my family and heritage. MSNBC is here tonight, and I’m glad you guys are here tonight. That way, if I’m bombing, Brian Williams will describe it as stunning. It’s hard to trust you guys when you sending us so many mixed messages. On the one hand, you tell us the prison-industrial complex is the problem, and then you air five straight hours of “Lockup.” You can’t be mad at corporations profiting off of minorities in prison when you’re a corporation profiting off of minorities in prison. It’s like … I have one quick request: MSNBC, please tell Rachel Maddow to chill about Trump’s tax returns. I don’t know what you think you’ll find in there, but there’s isn’t going to be a line item that just says “bribes from Russia.” That’s not how it works. You’re going to be like: “Oh, I found the 1040. USSR.” It doesn’t work like that. You’re the liberal news outlet. Look, we dress the same. I look like a melanin version of Chris Hayes. I want to root for you guys, but you’re turning into conspiracy theorists. Every night, you’re like: “The Russians hacked our elections. The Russians hacked our elections.” Meanwhile, everybody in Latin America and the Middle East is like: “Ah, a foreign government tampered with your elections? What is that like? Do tell, MSNBC.”     Just pump the brakes. We’re only on Day 100. By the end of the year, you’re all going to have tinfoil hats and jars of urine all over your desks. Now, I had a lot more MSNBC jokes, but I don’t want to just ramble on; otherwise, I might get a show on MSNBC. Last but not least, my favorite entertainment channel is in the building tonight. CNN is here, baby. Now, you guys got some really weird trust issues going on with the public. I’m not going to call you fake news, but everything isn’t breaking news. You can’t go to Defcon 1 just because Sanjay Gupta found a new moisturizer. Every time a story breaks, you guys go to nine screens. Nine boxes on the screen. I’m trying to watch the news, not pick a player in “Street Fighter.” It’s giving me anxiety. If you have nine experts on a panel, what is your barrier of entry? Here to talk about transportation infrastructure is my Uber driver, Gary. Gary, what have you got? It just says, “Gary, 4.8 stars.” He’s like: “I don’t know. I got a mint.” “Thanks, Gary. Let’s go to the countdown clock to the next countdown clock. All you guys do is stoke up conflict. Don, every time I watch your show, it feels like I am watching a reality-TV show. “CNN Tonight” should just be called “Wait a Second. Now Hold On. Stop Yelling at Each Other,” with Don Lemon. You know you’re news right? Come on. But every time I watch CNN, it feels like you’re assigning me homework. “Is Trump a Russian spy? I don’t know. You tell me. Tweet us @AC360.” No, you tell me. I’m watching the news. But it feels like I’m watching CNN watch the news. Please just take an hour, figure out what you want to say. Then go on the air. But whenever I turn you guys on, it feels like a little kid just ran into the room and is trying to tell you a story. You’re just like: “There’s a wall. [Inaudible]Paul Ryan.” Breathe. Take a minute. Drink some milk. Then tell us the story, Wolf. I know I’m busting balls. I don’t have a solution on how to win back trust. I don’t. But in the age of Trump, I know that you guys have to be more perfect now more than ever. Because are you are how the president gets his news. Not from advisers, not from experts, not from intelligence agencies, you guys. So that’s why you gotta be on your A-game. You gotta be twice as good. You can’t make any mistakes. Because when one of you messes up, he blames your entire group. And now you know what it feels like to be a minority. And I see some of you guys complaining. Like, “What? I gotta work twice as hard for half the credit?” Remember, you’re a minority. You guys have a lot more experience than me, but I got three decades of being brown, so if you want to survive the age of Trump, you got to think like a minority. And now that you’re a minority, oh man, everyone is going to expect you to be a mouthpiece for the entire group. So, I hate to say it, but somewhere, right now, all of you are being represented by Geraldo Rivera. See now that you are truly a minority, there’s a distorted version of you out there. You know, Taco Bell for Mexican culture. Panda Express for Chinese culture. Huffington Post for journalism. And then, when you actually manage to do great work, you get hit with the most condescending line in the English language: “Hey, you’re actually one of the good ones.” Then you have to smile and say thank you. Kind of sucks, doesn’t it? By the way, you guys aren’t really minorities; you guys are super white. But, but — I could see MSNBC being like, “We got our minority card.” No. But your work is invaluable. I mean that as a fake journalist. I am rooting for you. We are 100 days in; 1,360 days to go. You guys are running the marathon, and I’m at the half-mile mark giving you tape for your nipples. So I’m wishing you nothing but the best. You chafed, Van? You a little chafed? It’s a long way to go. This has been one of the strangest events I have ever done in my life. I’m being honest with you. I feel like I am a tribute in the Hunger Games. Like, if this goes poorly, Steve Bannon gets to eat me. But I was asked to not roast the president and the administration, in absentia, and I completely understand that. We are in a very strange situation where there is a very combative relationship between the press and the president. But now that you guys are minorities — just for this moment — you might understand the position I was in. And it’s the same position a lot of minority kids feel in this country. And it’s, you know, do I come up here and just try to fit in and not ruffle any feathers? Or do I say how I really feel? Because this event is about celebrating the First Amendment and free speech. Free speech is the foundation of an open and liberal democracy, from college campuses to the White House. Only in America can a first-generation, Indian American Muslim kid get on the stage and make fun of the president. The orange man behind the Muslim ban. And it’s a sign to the rest of the world. It’s this amazing tradition that shows the entire world that even the president is not beyond the reach of the First Amendment. Keeping up with politics is easy now. But the president didn’t show up. Because Donald Trump doesn’t care about free speech. The man who tweets that everything that enters his head refuses to acknowledge the amendment that allows him to do it. Think about it. It’s almost — what is it? It’s 11? It’s 11 p.m. right now. In four hours, Donald Trump will be tweeting about how bad Nicki Minaj bombed at this dinner. And he’ll be doing that completely sober. And that’s his right. And I’m proud that all of us are here tonight to defend that right, even if the man in the White House never would. So, I would like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me here. I want to thank all of you. I want to thank Woodward and Bernstein for inspiring a generation of journalists. And I would like to thank Donald Trump for inspiring the next. Thank you so much. It’s been an honor. Good night. I love you. Thank you."
1686242814-379,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Drew Michael: Drew Michael (2018) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-drew-michael-2018-transcript/,"“This is the latest I’ve stayed up in a long time.” “Yeah, me too.” “I’m usually like a… Mm, like one a.m. max.” “One a.m.?” “Yeah.” “After that, what happens? You get cranky?” “Yeah, I just, uh, I can’t be around people anymore.” “Yeah.” “It’s very rough for me to wanna” “Well, also, after one a.m. you’re around after one a.m. people.” “Right.” “It’s not a great sort of cross-section.” “But you’re an after one a.m. person.” “I am, no.” “All the time?” “Are you always a one a.m. person? Like, after one a.m. person?” “Um, I…” “Yes, you are.” “I guess it depends.” “You do this all the time.” “Sometimes. But sometimes it’s during the day.” “Sometimes, I meet people and…” “Oh, one… Right. That’s, well, that’s one p.m.” “Oh, dear. I think we’re both tired.” “Yeah, probably.”     “The sun’s coming up.” “I can’t believe I have to get on a plane today.” “Yeah. You gonna try to sleep, or no?” “No. I’m gonna get on the plane and fall asleep” “and forget any of this happened.” “Yeah. How long’s the flight?” “Like ten hours.” “I don’t know how to make a relationship work.” I can do, like, the first part of a relationship. That’s the thing is like when you get older, you kinda like… You start to recognize parts of your life as pieces of bigger patterns. You know, when you’re younger everything’s like in the moment but when you’re older it’s like… Okay This is part of this larger arc Like, all my relationships basically go the same way. They’re different, but they all kinda follow the same trajectory. You know, it’s the same pattern. I get into something it’s super-intense and as soon as I feel like the slightest bit vulnerable or exposed I get insecure and I project that onto the other person find something wrong with them use that as the reason why I have to stop seeing them. “Yeah?” “And the second time you see someone do you move in together?” “No, the second time we go to couples’ therapy.” That’s the pattern every single time! Every single time, and so I’m like “Okay, so the issue is me.” “I need to figure my shit out so I gotta go to therapy or something” and so I went to a therapist told him my whole life story really opened up to him. He said it was some commitment thing. I’m like “Oh, you put a lotta thought into that one you fucking idiot!”     And then I had to stop seeing him. I can’t see some hack therapist. It’s like “Oh, commitment issues? Really?” “You coulda said that to nine outta ten people and been right.” Like where’s the training? But it’s like he was supposed to end the cycle. I just made him part of it. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. It’s kinda… That’s like goin’ to AA and being like… Finally, some real drinking buddies! Like, what? No, they’re supposed to pull you out of the cycle Not enable it further. So, what now? Yeah. Yeah, I went… I try to think about like, why I am the way that I am. Like, I’m kinda just a… I’m just like a guarded… Person in general like I got a lot of… Walls here. I try to think about, like, why that is like what made me that way. I think the biggest reason is I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was really young. When I was three-years-old my… I failed the hearing test. “And my doctor was like: You need hearing aids!” “And I said: No.” “And he said: Oh, okay.” “He just like let me do it.” I’m three. Why am I makin’ this choice? Someone make it for me.     Like, “Ah, well, you’re an adult. You made your decision.” I’m like, “What? I can’t hear now.” “I don’t know what the fuck people are saying I didn’t wear them until I was twenty-one.” “Mos… Two thirds of my life was just guessing.” “I didn’t know what people were saying.” “People would say shit and look at me.” I’m like, Ah! Fuck! What? I don’t know. Yes? What ends this? Like, get me out of this moment please. It’s a fucking nightmare. Cause you can’t just ask people to repeat themselves constantly. You can’t just be like, “What?” It’s annoying. You get like one “What?” per friendship. That’s the limit. After that, they move on. They’re like, “We’re gonna hang out with this dude who can hear.” And I don’t say that for pity, either. I don’t want anyone to feel bad for me ’cause I know I wouldn’t do differently if I was in their situation. I’m not better than anyone. I know that. I’ve been on the other side of that. My grandma’s eighty-four years old rapidly losing her hearing. Cannot hear shit. This is my grandma. Like, I love her! But every time I say something to her she’s like… My first thought is just die, already! Like, that’s my first thought.     And I don’t want anything bad to happen to my grandma but I also don’t wanna have to say what I just said again. Like, I just said it! You had your chance. Somethin’s gotta give here. It might as well be the person who can only eat sweet potatoes. She had eighty-three good years. I didn’t have that. My point is I can empathize with my oppressors. It’s a weird disability. Like it’s weird. Like, even the things that are made to help you, people are kinda like… Like, they’re… about like it’s just… Like, I watch movies with closed captioning on which is how I watch ’em. I’ve always watched ’em that way. I never used to tell anyone about it I never used to bring it up because I didn’t wanna be different. I didn’t wanna be seen as different. I didn’t wanna call attention to the fact that I was different. The first time I brought it up I was in college. My roommate was like “Hey, you wanna watch a movie?” I was like, “Yeah. Do you mind if we turn on the closed captioning?” “I got, like, a hearing thing” figuring he’s my friend he’d understand. And he said… And here’s the thing it’s not the same. If it was the same I would just ask for that. Second of all, I’m not even sure you’re legally allowed to say no. Like, this is what they’re for motherfucker. Turn ’em on. Like, I’m the guy. Like, what do you think there for? To fuck with you? For the people at the gym? Like, I’m the person that the technology is for. Turn them o… Like there’s a picture on the back of the box of a… Like the ear. Closed captioning. That’s my fucking ear! Turn ’em on, you psycho. It’s like in no other disability is this even remotely acceptable. It’s like, if your friend was in a wheelchair and he was like “Hey, do you mind if we take the ramp?” Would you be like… “Come on! The ramp?” “It’s all the way on the other side of the building, dude.” “The normal door is right here.” “It’s three steps. Can’t you crawl up there?” “Aren’t your arms stronger?” “Can’t we just pick you up and throw you?” “Is that fine? You still get there.” “It’s the same!” It’s not the same. Turn on the closed captioning man. I wanna see when acoustic music is playing. I gotta know. That’s how you know what’s goin’ on in the movies. You see that parentheses like, Up-tempo techno and you go, Oh! Okay. Now I see what’s goin’ on in this David Lynch film. I was … I was so lost before. But you didn’t look like you were about to jump in the shower. “Oh, that’s very nice…” Take it off. I would just think a lot, so I would just think, I would think… I would just think all day Just thoughts.     It’s comfortable, because you I never would mishear myself. Like I never have a thought and I’m like, “Wait, one more time?” It’s just there. I know the thought. There’s a comfort to that. It gets intense, though because after a while like, the thoughts get weird. It’s weird up here it’s just not… A lot of weird… A lot of fucked up thoughts. Fucked up. And the thing is, you don’t know your thoughts are fucked up until you say them out loud and then that look of horror overcomes people and you’re like… Like you don’t know your thought is fucked up until you say, like, “Hey if we could eat animals why can’t we fuck them?” And people are like, “What?” And you’re like “Oh… I don’t know. I was just thinking about me and I feel like I… I’d rather get fucked than eaten.” Like I think if you told an animal, like… “Hey, we’re about to murder and then eat you” They’d be like … “Can you please just fuck me?” I would think about suicide a lot. Not… I didn’t wanna do it I just thought, like… If I did it what would a funny way be? Like, what would a funny way be? I don’t wanna go out boring. Like, what would be a funny end to all of this? I think it would be funny if you go to a water park and you go to the top of a really… like, a tall waterslide and, like right as you’re about to go down you just blow your head off and make the corpse go, like… through the whole course of the slide like, all the tunnels and the turns and just… just like splashes in the bottom of the pool. All the kids are screaming, parents are like, sprinting towards the pool. You know, funny! I think you would think that was funny even if you were there even if you were at the water park even if that was your kid in the pool. Once you got the kid outta the pool you dried him off you put him in the car on the ride home you’d be like… That’s a pretty good bit. Like, I think you would recognize the level of commitment alone is impressive like, “Oh my God! He brought a gun to a water park?” “He waited in line up the steps for like twenty minutes?” “He had goggles on, why the fuck did he have goggles on?” Who cares if you get water in your eyes if your… brain is exploded? “I’m gonna miss that guy.” You start missing me. You feel that kinship through the attention to detail. Fucked up thought. And that’s just a thought that I had. I’m not tryin’ to make light of something that people, you know ’cause it’s it… Suicide is a tough subject. There’s some subjects people think are just never funny. And I hear that I’m not like a sociopath I’m not like “Everything is funny! Fuck you!” No, it’s like you know I think about it I don’t wanna hurt anybody. But suicide’s a tough one it’s a tough one because people get offended at suicide jokes but it’s never suicidal people. It’s always like suicide-adjacent people. Like, suicidal people… Love suicide jokes. Right? You know why? Cause… That’s their thing. Like everybody has a thing. Like, if you’re married maybe you like a joke about marriage. ‘Cause you hear it, you’re like “Oh honey, that’s so us or whatever.” Suicidal person hears a suicide joke, it’s the same thing. It’s like “I’m not gonna tell anyone but that is so me!” You’re gonna find out in a note how good that joke really was and then regret not laughing more later because it is on the money. It’s cathartic. Like, if you’re dealing with those private, painful personal dark thoughts to hear them talked about and made light of in a public forum that’s a cathathat’s catharsis. You feel connected to someone outside your own mind. That’s a positive emotion. I’m not gonna take that away from someone just to spare someone else a moment of discomfort. But I get why people get upset. I had a dude once, he was like “That’s not funny.” “You should never joke about that.” “My nephew killed himself. You think that’s funny?”     I was like “What? No.” I was like, “What? No.” “No, that’s not what I’m talking about at all.” “That’s not funny.” “That’s incredibly sad.” “I’m sad right now hearing about it, you know ’cause your nephew…” “Would’ve loved that joke.” It’s like, yeah, my target market is missing, tragic. Also, if he would’ve heard this joke he wouldn’t have felt alone as he obviously did and that’s really my point is if you don’t like something just let it go and hit the people that it’s meant for. That’s not for everybody. There are people who are gonna hate it. There’s people right now who are like “Dude, I fucking hate this joke and it’s gone on way too long and I just want it to end.” And it’s like… All right and now you know how suicidal people feel about life. We want them to stick it out a little bit longer. I think you can, too. The joke was about empathy the whole time. “Hey.” Hey. “I was just about to call ya.” I was gonna call you. How ya doin’? “I’m good.” Yeah? “Yeah. How was… How was your day?” It was good. Actually, I had a really good day. “Yeah? Tell me about it.” Well, I got up and I actually like, ran… Well, I did actually two hours of… I did yoga and Pilates today. “Both? You’re trying to…” Yeah. “You were tryin’ to get more of those in there.” No, I absolutely smashed it. I don’t even… Like, tomorrow I’m just gonna look ridiculously good. “Yeah, no, look, tomorrow you earn popcorn and whatever else.” Yeah, exactly, I’m gonna have… I’m gonna make a lemon square. “Okay. You know how to make those?” Yeah, I haven’t told you. I do know how to make lemon squares. “Is that your thing?” “That’s kind of…” Yeah And I know how to bake sweet potatoes as well. “Okay.” Yeah. That’s kind of it. “I could do one of those I’m not gonna tell you which one.” I bet you could bake a sweet potato but I bet you don’t know that you should put little holes in it. “With a fork? you punch with a fork?” Oh, you must. You absolutely must. “I know. I know a thing or two” And I’m not sure if you wrap your potatoes in foil because there are, like, people that wrap them and people that don’t “Which one are you?” You’ve got to wrap. You’ve got to wrap and poke. “Gotta wrap and poke.” Yeah, ’cause the steams gotta come out but not too much. I don’t know if you letif you let all your steam come out. Is that a plan on lemon squares too, of just the sweet potatoes? No, that’s a whole different thing. I can’t tell you that recipe. “That’s secret.” “All right, how long do I have to wait to… To find out then?” What? My lemon square thing? “Yeah.” I don’t know. My dead great grandmother told it to me so… “Oh, God.” I’m probably not gonna ever tell you. “That’s… I didn’t know I was stepping into an heirloom.” No, it’s fine. She lived a long and healthy life. “It’s a family crest, I was trying to pry it from you.” Yeah. What are you up to? “You know, I’m about to… About to jump in the shower and then head out. I answered un-showered.” But you don’t look like you’re about to jump in the shower. Oh, that’s very nice of you to say. “Take it off.” “You wanna come in with me?” No. “I think I would sacrifice this for this phone.” When was the last time you showered? “I’m tryin’ to give you an exact hour amount.” “I think eighteen hours ago?” Oh, eighteen hours. I thought you were gonna be, like two hours ago. Are you, like, one of those people that shower… Like when we see each other again, are you just gonna be… Like if I come in on the plane are you gonna be like You have to have a shower? I’m gonna come and… I always think that’s so weird. It’s like, can’t we just not do that? Like, I know I’ve been on a plane, but like… “I’m gonna have you guess shower or no shower.” You’re gonna make me shower though when we see each other again? “You should shower for sure.” But like if I haven’t seen you for all this time and I just get off the plane are you gonna be like… “You have to have a shower?” This is a deal breaker for me. “For you?” “Oh. If I make you shower?” Yes! Like straightaway. “No, I trust your sort of, uh, judgment on that.” Okay, fine, I’ll just shower before. “That’s up to you. I’m not gonna… I’m not gonna tell you what to do. I mean I will judge you…” Yeah, don’t control me. Stop it. “Yeah, no more… Yeah, that comes later.” No. “That comes later.” “I like looking at your face.” Shut up. “No?” “You can see your face too the little square in the bottom.” No, I look like a thumb. “That’s ’cause your thumb’s in the way.” It is not. I just… You look like… You look really dewy. You’re like all smooth and stuff. “Jews are smooth?” No! You’re all dewy. Not about you being Jew… You always bring it back to being Jewish. No. “You said I looked Jewy…” No, like… “And then you said I look smooth.” No, dewy like a pancake. “Chewy?” No! Dewy. Dewy. Like you moisturize a lot. Doesn’t matter. Whatever. “Is that a translation thing?” No, no, “Is it a language… Is it a cultural thing?” Dewy. Do you guys not say dewy? “No, Jewy means like…” Dewy, like smooth. “Jewish shit.” Okay, sorry. “I’m glad we clarified that ’cause that could be a problem.” No, you know, like a dewy Jew. “Right. Is that… Wait are we pancake or Holocaust?” Stop. You’re such an idiot. “Which Jewy… you gotta specify.” Shut up. “’cause now I’m completely lost.” “Is that a British thing? I had my eyebrows tweezed today. “Oh, okay! It was yoga Pilates and eyebrows.” Yeah. I just went in this place opposite and I felt… You know, like when somebody like, does something for you and you feel like all warm and gooey inside? Like this woman took real care about like, tweezing my eyebrows. And she was like showing me how to draw them in and stuff and I just, I don’t know it was really sweet. “Did she tweeze them or thread them?” No, she was tweezing them. Yeah. “Oh, tweezwith the tweezers? I don’t know what… I see, like, women go into places and then they come out… I just don’t really know what happens in there.” You know we had a lovely little moment. She was like… Here’s why they’re all like, wobbly and all… And I was like, “Yeah”. She was like “Yeah, they’re little twixers but we can… We can do something.” “Yeah, the threading shit is like…” Yeah. I do do that sometimes, but I just sneeze and cry… quite a lot. “It’s really hard to do”. Yeah, it seems insane. “The people who do that how do they…” It’s insane and I’m always really scared they’re gonna take off your eyelashes ’cause it’s literally like they get this piece of thread and just like… “Are they the most skilled people on the planet?” Yeah. “Like, they go in there quickly…” Oh my God. Wait, I have to tell you something. I went… One time I went to the Korean spa and the woman scrubbed me so hard that I bled. “On your… eyeyour eyebrows?” No, not on my… No, obviously not on my eyebrow. “She scrubbed you?” Scrubbed me so hard “Where were you bleeding at?” I got herpes a little while ago. Who gives a shit? That’s not a subject people are like, super open about. Like, I like bringin’ it up because, like, notyou know anytime I bring it up people always wanna ask questions. They’re like, “Oh, you got it?” It’s like, “Yeah.” Do you know how you got it? Yeah, pretty good idea. How’d you get it? I was like, I don’t know. What do you wanna know, the position? Like, how’d I get it? I’m not a loser. Like, that’s how. I’m thirty-two. Okay, if you’re thirty, you better either be married or have herpes. Like, pick one. Commit to something commit to a person or a way of life. Like, who are you? Three decades nothing to show for it? Figure it the fuck out. Marriage or herpes. Pick. Pick! A lot of my friends got married. I got herpes. At least mine is gonna last forever. People get fucked up about it, though. They get, like, fucked up about it! Like, people get fucked up! They hear that they have it, they get fucked up, and you shouldn’t. It’s not that big of a deal. But there’s like a sense of shame associated with it. ‘Cause society will imbue you with a sense of shame for something that’s on your body. Which is, like, that’s body shaming. That’s textbook body shaming. It’s on my body and you’re shaming me for it? That’s literally what body shaming is. No one gets behind that cause. Like, no one’s ev… Where’s that Dove ad campaign? Where’s that brave Instagram post? That would be brave. That’s a brave Instagram post. A fresh outbreak. Woke up like this. Like, that’s fucking brave as shit. That’s way braver than you with no makeup. I don’t know how you’re keeping score on bravery but I’m pretty sure that that wins. It’s not even that big of a deal. Right? It’s like that’s something I learned. It’s not as big of a deal as they make it seem so I feel like if you have it you shouldn’t let yourself get fucked up about it. Like don’t let it affect your sense of self. It’s fine. If you don’t have it, get it! Just get it! Then it’s over, that’s it. You’re done! You know what I mean? Like it’s kind of better. Like, I used to not have it. And now I do and it’s like… I remember I used to always worry about getting it… But now I don’t. That’s pretty nice. There’s something liberating about that. Like, it’s liberating to not have to worry anymore. Also, if we all got it, then it’s kind of like no one has it anymore which is… That’s basically a cure. Make it the new normal and that’s it. I get a lot of questions. Like a lot… People always… My friend, she was like “Is it hard to date now?” Is it hard to date now? What do you mean now? Like, what made you think this was easy before? You think herpes is some new problem? Like, my personality much bigger problem than herpes. Herpes is like number eighteen on the list of fuckin’ things in the way. What, do you think it’s uncomfortable? Oh, you think it’s an uncomfortable conversation? Listen, if I’m dating someone and they think that’s uncomfortable wait till I deconstruct your sense of self so I feel superior. That’s way more uncomfortable. Wait till she hears my fucked-up perspective on shit. Look, any girl in the world would rather hear her boyfriend say “Hey, I have HSV-two” than… “Hey you know, nine-eleven was just occupy Wall Street done right.” That’s way more uncomfortable than a very treatable STD that everyone already kind of has anyway. Is dating hard? I don’t know. Sure. Depends who you are. I don’t like the first date. The first date is like, I don’t like it. I don’t like hangin’ out with strangers. It’s like two hours with a stranger. I don’t drink either so it’s like what do you do? Dinner? I go to dinner. That’s what I do. Dinner. It’s too much pressure on the first date. Dinner? It’s just you and a menu and this person. Good luck. Just sittin’ there in your little section. You gotta make small talk off the menu. She’s like “Oh, what should I get?” It’s like, I don’t care. I don’t love you. Chicken. Oh, they got glazed carrots, let’s get ’em! Roasted Brussels sprouts. Yeah, great. We’re gettin’ roasted Brussels sprouts. Remember when we were kids Brussels sprouts were like the worst thing and now we all, like, love ’em? We’re all fuckin’ sellouts. I don’t wanna date someone I don’t love. I wanna date someone I love. That’s the move. You wanna date someone you love! Who do I love? Not a lotta people. I guess where all that Freudian shit comes from ’cause it’s like yeah, your mom is the best option. Like on a love level… I know it’s weird and gross We don’t do it, but, like, wouldn’t it be awesome if we did? Like, imagine a universe where that was totally the deal. Like, that’s a better universe. It’s a better… Like just come out of the womb day one like, “Found her.” Like, that’s better. I don’t need to fuck with strangers I got the oxytocin queen right here. I guess that’s why the mom sits up front at the wedding cause it’s like “Well, it would’ve been you but blech so I had to go find someone I never knew. I had to turn a stranger into the love of my life.” On a love level though, like, who do I love more than my mom? Nobody. Who does she love more than me? Nobody. It is right there. It’s like we both love each other more than anything let’s figure this out. We can’t figure this out? There’s no permutation where this can fuckin’ work? It’s frustrating. She’s single too, not that it matters but it’s like, she’s single, I’m not saying, like, “Oh I have a chance” I’m like, she, my mom, is single. She’s, like, alone. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I want my… I want her to be with someone that she’s into. And I’m not saying, like “Oh, my mom is into me” but if we were not related she would be. Like, in another universe I would be her type. And I know it’s weird to think but to be fair I only think that because she told me that so don’t shoot the messenger. She’s like “Oh, you would so be my type.” And I’m like, “Well, what do you want me to do with that?” “Yeah, I wish I could. I would love to.” “I would love to give you me. That would make me so happy.” “For you to be with a guy who loves you who is so far out of your league.” That would be nice. And I am outta my mom’s league. I’m not saying that arrogantly I don’t think I’m like the best looking person. I just know I would never consider sleeping with a sixty-one year old woman who looked like that unless she were my mom. Like, that’s her only in. I’d have to really give a shit about how happy it made her. Like, random sixty-year-old lady, get the fuck outta here! But my mom, it’s like… Well, yeah I want my mom to get fucked. You want your mom to get fucked. You just don’t wanna know when. But I wanna know that it’s happening for sure I just don’t wanna know when it hap… I just I don’t her to like, walk out of her bedroom, like… Like I don’t want that moment. But I wanna know that it is happening and what better way to now that something’s happening for sure than to just do it yourself. And that’s what I’m saying is I wish I could guarantee for her what I know she deserves. For her. It’s not even for me. I don’t win this, she wins. Right? Because any reasonable person would admit you would rather fuck your kid than your parent. That’s not controversial. That’s not controversial. That is… You would rather fuck your kid than your parent. For sure. People try to fuck their kids all the time. Nobody tries to fuck their parents. You never read that in the news like a ring of parent fuckers was broken up by the FBI in a sting operation. Uh, parent fucking is rampant in Hollywood and Washington and the music business and… Anyway, my point is I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the herpes anymore. “Hey” Hey Why are you still up? Why are you still up? It’s my bedtime. “Yeah.” You’ve been out? “Kind of. What…” You’re drunk and I’m asleep. “Define out.” I don’t know, like out. “I got a falafel with a friend.” You got a falafel? “Is that out?” Uh… It… Do you have, like bits of falafel in your mouth? I always have like have like… “Right now?” Like, I don’t really get falafel. It’s just like… like eating, like, dust. “It’s a little chalky, I admit that.” It’s so dry. I just don’t understand the falafel obsession. “Yeah, I don’t know if it’s an obsession as much as it is…” “It was open.” Oh, right. “I’m obsessed with places that are open.” Do you ever, like, um, order something on delivery and then you’re like you go past it in the day and you’re, like, “What the fuck?” Like, “I would never order from that place?” Or, like, “I’d never go into that place and eat.” “Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. ’cause it… It has the…” ‘Cause it’s disgusting. “Right.” “On the internet it’s only the number of stars.” Yeah. “And, so, they’re like, okay, four-star… star rating on restaurants is, like, the only time I trust random people in the world.” “Like, Oh, four and a half stars like, then it has to be good.” “But it’s like these are the same people who… are on trains and vote.” Are you one of those people who like, always has to look up the restaurant before you go and see if it’s nice? “I… yeah. I’m… I’m…” I can tell. “I’m a four and a half star or above.” Why do you look so scrumptious? “I look scrunched up right now?” You look scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like if I was there right now I’d snog you. “Scrummy?” Yeah, like scrumptious. “Oh, I see. Is this a good thing?” Yeah. “Okay.” Yeah, like I wanna snig… Snig you no snog you. Snog and a kiss… No, what’s a snig? A snog and a kiss is a snigu. “All right.” I mean, I’m really tired. “These are… these are all new expressions to me.” No, I just… I think I’m weird jet lag. I also came home and my brother… has done something to the toilet. “What did he do?” He’s been staying here when I went away… I don’t know, but it’s making a weird noise. And when we were kids, like every time we go on holiday we just… Like my mom would have to get, um, a coat hanger and put it on the toilet because it… They’re just so long. “She’d have to use a coat hanger for the toilet?” A coat hanger, yeah, or like a piece of bamboo if we’re on holiday. And I know he’s done something to it, and he… “Where’s bamboo readily available?” It’s not. It’s not here. “Where do you have to go?” It’s tracking it down. “Yeah. How is your mom?” My mom? “Yeah.” She’s good. “Was it good seeing her?” Yeah. Yeah, I went round for dinner. They’ve just moved house. “Did they?” Yeah. My dad’s having… “Oh, right.” Like a bit of a mid-life crisis ’cause they’ve moved to a smaller house. “Yeah, you were saying something about that with the moving.” Yeah. “So he’s… He’s freaking out?” He’s freaking out ’cause he doesn’t have, like, what… He doesn’t, yeah. It’s a smaller house. And he thinks he’s like getting old and he’s gonna die in a small house. “Well, he is, I mean, I don’t know.” I don’t know. It’s like, I don’t know, it’s like a thing, it’s like, I don’t know, it’s like he’s giving up. But he’s buying it… I don’t know. They’re getting another one. “He’s giving up?” This is all. He’s just an idiot. Yeah. He’s not an idiot but it’s just stupid stuff to… “Right.” Worry about. Yeah, I think about that, like, I… “You know, you look at people who are, like… in the mid-life age you know, and you go like…” “Ah, that looks like it sucks.” “And you’re like, Wait, that’s next.” Yeah, maybe for you, not for me. “Well, I mean it’s next…” I’m a young little spring chicken. “Yeah, but that ends.” Whatever. No. I was thinking that, like… Am I gonna get to a certain age where no one fancies me anymore and then I was just, like, no. “You say no?” I don’t think… I don’t think it’s gonna happen. “That’s because you’re young.” No, but I think, like… “That’s a young thing to think.” No, no, but, like, even… No, like, I don’t know. I was just thinking, like I’m sure someone will be up for it when I’m, like, forty. “No, totally. But then…” “But just the selection of people gets weirder.” No, they don’t. “I think it does.” “Right?” I have a hard time with intimacy. I have, like, intimacy issues. Any time I get into, like an intimate moment I feel like just… I gotta get the fuck outta there. “It’s just a feeling any time I see vulnerability” I gotta get the fuck outta there. And your brain is really good at justifying how you feel so if you feel like you gotta leave a situation then your brain will find reasons why you should. So it’ll come back with all this intel, like reasons to leave. And it’s hard to know if those are like legitimate red flags or just you justifying some weird insecurity. It’s hard to… To discern between the two “and that’s where I think therapy can be helpful.” Therapy kinda helps you like unmask your phobia. Like, any phobia you’re having therapy kinda gets like underneath it. Therapy, to me, is kinda like the last scene of Scooby Doo. That last sce… every episode of Scooby Doo is the same. The whole episode they’re like “Ah, it’s a ghost!” And they take the mask off they’re like… “Oh, it’s the guy who owns the bakery,” or whatever. That’s what I think therapy does for… For your emotions. You’re in a relationship and you’re like… I don’t know, she’s a little boring and therapy is like… You’re like, “Oh, my parents never showed me what love looked like.” “I thought she was bad at telling stories.” Turns out I have no foundation. I’m broken irreparably from the inside. “I’m flying blind without a map.” I’m replicating a power dynamic instead of reciprocity. Silly me. I thought she used the wrong form of ”you’re” in a text message. Turns out I downloaded my sexual identity from movies. You ever do that? You ever think you’re a person “and you’re actually an amalgamation of projections you’ve absorbed over thirty-two years?” That is brutal. I do think that there’s like a weird impact, that, like, movies can have. Maybe it just exacerbates superficialities. I don’t like when I get into that when I’m, like tricked by superficial shit Like I… Even when I’m not like, attracted to somebody I’m, like… What’s goin’ on? When I’m attracted to someone I’m, like, “Oh, nice face.” And then I’m gonna, what, overrate the ideas that come out of it? Right? ‘Cause, like the face and the body that’s just like, the marketing team of the self. And when I’m attracted to that I’m being, like, tricked. I feel like I’m being tricked. Like, I’m on the phone at four in the morning with an infomercial… Like, Hey, I saw your thing. I’d like to b… It’s… No! Wait till you see the thing! But you can’t see the thing. You can’t see the thing immediately. You have to… It’s the… You just see the face and the body. What’s the personality like? That’s way more important. But that takes time, it takes patience, it takes energy it takes focus to notice. The face is right there. Maybe the personality’s fucked up. I think if you have a fucked up personality you should have a fucked up face. I don’t think you should get to have it the other way. Like, when I look at your face I don’t wanna see flesh. I wanna see, like, nine months living in a one bedroom apartment with you, like, here. Like that’s what… That’s what this should be. All this shit. Hair. I don’t wanna see hair. What is hair? “Oh, you have nice hair.” Who gives a shit? Hair? Hair is protein that arbitrarily grows out of your head against your will. And you have nice that? Awesome. It’s an aesthetic thing. If something is gonna grow out of your head I don’t wanna see hair I wanna see like, long flowing locks of your ability to keep a secret. That’s what should come outta your head. That way someone flips it back “Oh, I can trust that person.” And we can continue not trusting bald people like we normally do except we wouldn’t be superficial shitheads for it, we’d be right. Yeah, I can’t trust that dude. He has… He doesn’t have the secret-keeping substance coming out of his skull. Fuck that bald asshole! And you’d be right! That would be a legitimate thing to say as opposed to a low-key hate crime like it is now. You can’t call someone a bald asshole. I didn’t pick that. There’s all sorts of things I can do to become more attractive, too. I can, like, make myself more attractive. I can work out, I can get in shape. That would make me more attractive. I can get abs, people would be more attracted to me which is weird because all abs mean is I did this a lot. Like, that’s literally all it means is I tricked my body into thinking it was building a house. Like, that’s what abs are it’s an exploitation of an evolutionary glitch. People go, “Oh, he did this a lot.” He’ll make a great date. Like, how? How does that track? You should only be able to get abs by doing something good. Like, you should have to… In order to get a… You should have to like help the elderly, that would make sense. Like, you help an old lady cross the street and get ripped Like, okay, yeah, sure, I buy that. That way you see a guy on the beach with washboard abs you can be like “Oh, well he loves his grandma” Like, you would know something about him other than he did this a lot after work four times a week. He did the side-to-side one probably. Look at that. He probably used a medicine ball. What a cool guy! It’s fucking stupid. But we are attracted to these things. We’re attracted to, you know, what we’re attracted to and as a society when we are all attracted to certain things we create this, like external value system and when you live inside of that you internalize that as your own. So, you feel a sense of internal pride or shame based on how closely you correlate to that… That value system. So, people get fucked up about how they look that’s well documented. People also get… It’s weird like, people take pride like, there’s a weird pride people take in how they loo Like, there’s men who take, like pri… They have, like, dick pride like pride in their di… Like… My fuckin’ dick! Like, they talk about their dick like it’s a son that graduated from Harvard. Like, where’s the pride… My fuckin’ dick! Oh, my biit’s not even my dick. I’m its body. Like what are you talk… Like… My fuckin’ dick. My big-ass di… It’s like, “So?” How’d you get it? It’s like, “Dude it just showed up!” Your dick should only be as big as your heart. And it should only be as girthy as your capacity for change. That way you see a fat dick you go… “Oh, that’s a spiritually open malleable human being.” You sit on a fat dick I can feel his open mindedness stretching me out. That desire he has to transcend his past mistakes. It feels good. It makes me feel full. I’m attracted to things I’m attracted to… Eyes. I like eyes. I’m attracted to eyes. Not, like, in a bag but, like, on a head. Eyes. I like my eyes on heads. Two eyes for every one head. That’s the ratio that I like. You can have whatever ratio you want. I like eyes. But even that’s weird. I like the eye, but then it’s like… “Oh, now I wanna like, fuck you. Why?” “‘Cause you have nice eyes?” That’s a weird leap to make. To go, like “Oh, yeah, these eyes are cool.” “Let’s fuck the other…” This other part of you. It’s not even the same… It’s not even on the same part of the body. It’s a different part. The vagina. And it’s like I like it, but it’s like… I just it doesn’t tell me anything about you. I don’t know you. I don’t know wha… You know what I mean? Like the vagin… Like the… I don’t wanna fuck a vagina. I would much rather fuck like a warm, wet sense of discipline. Like, I wanna go down on your long-term focus. I wanna… I wanna eat out your determination. I wanna make your perseverance squirt. That’s a much more appealing activity. I wanna shove my personality into your determination and then reach around and tickle your integrity like, that’s kind of the world I wanna live in. I just hope your integrity doesn’t include your ability to keep a secret because that is a phobia of mine. I’m not a perfect person. It’s all fear. I mean, all this shit… All this shit I talk about, it’s all fear. It comes from a… Deep rooted sense of fear. I’m afraid. I’m afraid to get close to somebody. I’m afraid to lose the person I get close to. “I’m afraid they can hurt me in a way that no one else can.” “Why do you look so scrumptious?” “I look scrunched up right now?” You’re scrummy. “What does that mean?” Like, if I was there right now I’d snog you. I’m afraid that if I let someone in past the walls that I’ve built up for myself that they’ll… See parts of myself that I haven’t accepted or I don’t like, or parts of me that are fucked up, or flawed or broken, or weird, or wrong or inadequate or boring. Parts of myself that are missing, like… Where’s that part of your personality? Like, I don’t know. Maybe it’ll show me a part of myself that I haven’t… That I haven’t even looked at… It’s all fear. And so I push people away. And it’s not in, like, fun ways. It’s not like… I’m not like I’m rolling them down the sidewalk in an office chair. It’s… Sometimes it’s harsh. And, you know, this is something I have to reckon with. But it’s just because I’m afraid of the alternative. “And so what do you do about it?” I just try to be honest. “That might be the funniest thing you’ve ever said.” You think this is honest? Honesty’s, like, it’s being open and being vulnerable. It’s not just standing in front of everyone and telling them that you fucking suck. Fuck off, dude! Like get the fuck over yourself. It’s fuckin’ boring. Like we all feel this shit. It’s, like, we don’t need a fuckin’ whole big song and dance about it. You’ve constructed this whole elaborate way to never change. And they’re not even jokes it’s not even fucking jokes. It’s just you talking about your problem. There’s… Where is the funny in this? Show me. None of the… Like none of this has been funny. None of this has been funny! It’s just been you masturbating up here the enti… It’s just been watching you jerk yourself off. And I’m really sick of it. I know you think that there’s somebody out there you’re helping them and someone’s gonna be able to connect to your problems and… and maybe they will but that’s not why you do it, is it? It’s… You do it for their validation. And the more you get, the better it feels. It’s the same dynamic as in all of your relationships. You just come in here, you say whatever the fuck you want and then you leave like a fuckin’ pussy!"
1686242657-343,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jack Whitehall: I’m Only Joking (2020) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jack-whitehall-im-only-joking-transcript/,"Look. Jack! Jack! Jack, can you sign this for me, please? Jack– – Oh! What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stand back. Whoa! Ladies and gentlemen, please go wild and crazy, and welcome to the stage Mr. Jack Whitehall! Hello, Wembley! Wow, it doesn’t get any more prestigious than this. I’m quite nervous. I’m quite nervous. I’ve got to be frank with you, I have a history of cocking up prestigious gigs. The most I have ever bombed on stage was when I was booked to do Prince Charles’ Christmas party. It was exactly as weird as it sounds. The first thing that was weird about this gig is that I walked out, Charles and Camilla were sat in the front row, in high-backed chairs. I was thinking: “You are aware this is real life, not Game of Thrones?” Also, don’t sit in the front row. The front row as a comedian is the get-out-of-jail-free card. If the jokes aren’t working, you talk to the front row. You ask them what they do for a living. I can’t ask Prince Charles what he does for a living. He is the most famous unemployed man on the planet. “What do you do for a living?” “Just sort of sit around, wait for my parent to die.” “Me too.” So I can’t do the “what’s your job?” crowd work, ’cause my front row is a couple on benefits. I’m glad you laughed. I’m not gonna lie, on the night, it did not go down well. Meghan was the only one laughing which, if anything, made it worse. The other weird thing about this gig is that they didn’t give me a microphone, which is literally the only thing I need as a comedian. ‘Cause this is the only thing that gives me status over you. Without this, I am just… the crazy guy shouting on the high street! With this: “Hi, I’m here to talk to you about politics.” Without it: “I’m here to talk to you about Jesus!” No microphone, right? They’re in the front row. Forty-five minutes, I had to do. Forty-five minutes of dancing around in front of the royal family like I was the court-fucking-jester. My final indignity occurred, though, after the gig. Now, as a comedian, you know when you have had a bad show. You do not need to be told it. You especially do not need to be bantered by the future King of England. I was introduced to Prince Charles. Do you know what the first thing was that he said to me? “I think next year we’ll try a magician.” Cheeky fucker! It’s fine, it’s fine. I hooked him up with my friends at Magic Mike. Camilla bloody loved them. Know your crowd.  The lesson that I learned that night. It’s important as a comedian. It’s hard when you’re traveling. I’ve been living in America. Do we have any Americans? Whoa, okay. Yes, they’re certainly American. Okay, please don’t shoot. No… Applaud all you want. Sir… Sir, they can applaud. I’m still trying to break America. There is absolutely no way that comment is ending up in the special. Over my dead body. Figure of speech. I come in peace. I love America. It’s an amazing place. And do you know what I’ve come to realize? Americans, you basically do everything that we do, but you do it bigger, and you do it better. Like, we have stupid people here… but your stupid people are world class. And that is not me saying: “All Americans are stupid.” No, America also has the smartest people on the planet. What I’m saying is that when America does stupid, you do stupid. Like, our village idiot is in a park, shouting at clouds. Yours is president. The world is becoming a dumber place. You know how you know this? You know this from signs. I’ll give you an example of one that I saw. I was in Tucson, Arizona. And I went down for breakfast in my hotel, and there was a sign on the toaster in this hotel that said: “Please butter bread…” “…after use.” If you do not know that you are meant to butter your toast after it has been toasted, you should not be allowed anywhere near a toaster, unless you are taking it with you into a bath. To be fair, right? This sign was affixed to the worst invention that mankind has ever created. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the hotel… conveyor belt toaster. No one in this entire 10,000-strong arena has ever made a decent piece of toast on the hotel conveyor belt toaster. Unfathomably shit. And handily fitted with a small window, so you can witness your misery play out in slow motion. First time through. Whoosh! Still bread. Second time through. Whoosh! Barely warm. Third time through. Burnt to a crisp! There is literally no setting to get it right. It’s like putting a ginger on a sunbed, it’s impossible. And there’s always a queue out into the lobby ’cause you got stuck behind some old man that thought it was a good idea to put in a bagel. A bagel? Are you out of your fucking mind, Granddad? If you wanted a bagel toasted in that machine in time for breakfast, it needed to go in a week ago. By the time that’s toast, you might be as well. Then it’s like they went: “Oh, how can we make this machine even shitter? I know, let’s have your piece of crappy toast be delivered onto a little tray underneath it that we set at a slight angle, so your piece of shitty toast is sent flying straight onto the bloody floor.” You see people waiting for it to pop out, like fielders in the slip cordon. “Oh, this is going to be a slippery catch to take.” “Why’s that?” “Well, I’m one of those psychopaths that likes to butter the bread before.” It wasn’t even the worst sign that I saw. The worst sign that I saw was in the same hotel, but it was by the pool. I went down to the hotel swimming pool to have a lovely, refreshing dip in the hotel swimming pool, when I read a sign, ladies and gentlemen, that stopped me in my tracks, and it chilled me to the core. It read like this: “Would you please refrain from entering the hotel swimming pool if you have active… diarrhea.” Well, thank you very much for putting me off this, or indeed, any swimming pool ever again. Because that sign can only exist… because someone did. How is that something that we need a sign to remind us of? Don’t get me wrong, I like swimming as much as the next man. But I accept that if I am in the clutches of an attack… of active diarrhea, there are certain activities that I will not be participating in for a short while. Swimming, trampolining, horseback riding, skydiving, probably tandem skydiving as well. I personally am the kind of person that lives his life governed by the fear that I might, one day, shit myself in public. Case in point, every time I’m in a car and I do not realize that the heated seat is on, I’m like: “Fuck, today’s the day.” Also, more importantly, what on earth does this phrase even mean? Active diarrhea. As opposed to what? Inactive diarrhea? “Yes, we’ve had diarrhea in the family for generations. My great-grandfather traveled to India, picked up a bit of the old Delhi belly, but fortunately, as he got the dormant kind, none of us have ever soiled ourselves.” I can only assume that active diarrhea means it is literally coming out of your ass. If that is the case, and for some baffling reason you have decided that your best chance of salvation is the crowded hotel swimming pool, I don’t think you’re the kind of fucker that stops to read a sign. “What’s this? ‘No running, no diving…’ But ah, yes, nothing about shitting. Well, bombs away.” This is the world that we live in, though. We have to care about everyone’s feelings, everyone’s tolerances, everyone’s intolerances, everyone’s… dietary… requirements. I’ll tell you where it’s gone too far, and I have to be the person to say this. For the love of God… we have got enough… milks now. Would everyone stop milking shit? I went to buy coffee recently. Near to where I live, in London, a very rough part of London called Notting Hill. I went in there. I have very straightforward coffee tastes. It should have been a very straightforward transaction. It was anything but. I went in there. I was like: “Hello, I’d like a white coffee, please.” “Okay, sir, what kind of milk would you like with your coffee? We’ve got a coconut milk, we’ve got an almond nut milk, we’ve got hazelnut milk, we’ve got cashew milk, we’ve got a macadamia nut milk, we’ve got oat, rice, hemp, soy milk. You can have it from a bean, pulse, nut, grain, oat, lax, from a leaf, seed, tree.” “I’d like it from a nipple, please.” “I don’t care what type of nipple. Preferably a cow’s, but I’m not fussy. I’ll take it from whatever nipple I can get.” She looked at me like I had requested it from hers. Like I was the weirdo. I’m not the weirdo. You’re the one in the back of the shop with your little friends, milking fucking cashew nuts. You’re the freaks, not me. I do not, for one moment, doubt that lactose intolerance is a very grave and pressing issue for humanity. But lest I remind you, we currently don’t have a cure for cancer, and there are 12 readily available milk substitutes on the market which, I would argue, is 11 more than we need! And look, we’re all having fun. I don’t want to turn my special into a TED Talk. But I’m about to hit you up with some pretty sophisticated science here. Milk must come… from a tit. Last time I checked, the almond? Pretty flat-chested. You are drinking… nut juice. Oh, dear. I worry this may be a little bit of a London problem. On this tour that I’ve been doing… I bring this up ’cause I was in the northeast of England and we were doing a show there, and we were staying in this tiny, little hotel in the middle of nowhere. It was amazing. There was a slightly older gentleman that was serving us breakfast at this hotel. And my tour manager, Johnny, asked him about the milk situation. He got the best response I have ever heard. He was like: “Excuse me, what are the milk options?” The guy went: “Hot… or cold.” Where are the dairy drinkers in? Who’s a dairy drinker here this evening? You do realize we are the smokers of 2020? Seriously. Watch as we get slowly ostracized from society. They’ll give us our own designated areas to go and drink our dirty titty milk in. They’ll have warnings soon, like with the cigarettes. You’ll go into the supermarket, pick up a carton of milk, there’ll be a sticker on the side of it: “Warning, may cause healthy bones and teeth.” And don’t you dare, don’t you dare, in 2020, drink your disgusting titty milk… through a plastic straw. Oh, no, no, you may as well be sucking it directly from the devil’s dick. I got that lecture recently from a friend, a friend who’s the classic environmental hypocrite. I don’t know if you’ve come across this woman. She gives it all the: “Yeah, I’ve got my reusable coffee cup and my reusable water bottle, all in my eco-friendly grocery bag.” You drove here in a fucking Hummer. She comes at me about the straw: “Jack, you can’t use a plastic straw anymore. What about the environment? What about the wildlife? You need a reusable straw.” I was like: “Okay, fine, understood.” I went, I got myself a reusable straw. It’s made of ivory. It works a fucking treat. Doing my bit, doing my bit. Don’t use a coffee cup anymore, I take my turtle shell into Starbucks. I’m like: “Fill that bad boy up.” And I’ve started recycling condoms, so… Yeah, the big man knows what I’m talking about. Quick rinse, get rid of any nut juice, stick it on the washing line. It’s a bag for life. We’ve got to do our bit. Do our bit now. I had the vegan Impossible Burger the other day. Oh, my God, amazing. Here’s the twist. Tastes just like a regular hamburger, but… it’s the price of two hamburgers. And guilt-free. Plus, you can get any topping you like. I went for bacon and foie gras. Mmm! ‘Cause that, of course, is the answer. We should all be going vegan. My uh… flatmate, Hugo, recently… Of course, Hugo. I’m just a normal guy. No. The Hugester, he’s great. Um… he lives in the east wing and… Anyway, he’s a vegan, but here’s the thing. He didn’t want to call himself a vegan ’cause he was worried that some of his friends might give him shit. Moi. So… instead of calling himself a vegan, Hugo decided that he was going to identify as… Get ready for it because it is a humdinger. …plant-positive. Ah, nice work, Hugo. Successfully sidestepped the wanker bullet there, didn’t we? And it’s now literally every other word out of his mouth. He’s like: “Jack, you can make as many jokes as you like about me being plant-positive. I’m going to live ten years longer than you.” “Yeah, not if you keep calling yourself plant-positive around me. I will smother you in your sleep. Actually, I won’t even need to smother you now. You’re a vegan. I’ll just place the cushion on your face, you’ll be too weak to lift it off.” “You’re suffocating me.” “No, just making you oxygen-negative.” … It’s no good crying over spilt nut juice. Where are the vegans at? We got vegans in? Okay, an army of them. Oh, dear. I’m going to get booed off stage in a hail of tofu. I– I’m sorry. Honestly, I am. I come in peace, okay? I don’t want any beef, and, quite frankly, neither do you. Vegan-bashing, that’s what that was. And it is, excuse the pun, low-hanging fruit. Because there is no denying, your life choice, Hundred percent better for you, better for the world. I also know why… human beings have a pop at vegans. It’s a very simple human instinct. As human beings, we basically just can’t bear anyone else that has exercised any degree of self-control. And you all fucking do it. Doesn’t matter what that self-control is. Someone that’s become a vegan, someone that’s given up drinking, someone that’s running a marathon, someone that has started cycling to work. Your mouth goes: “Oh, good for you.” And your head goes: “Cunt.” Because we don’t want people #LivingTheirBestLife. We want them #LivingASlightlyShittierLifeThanUs, so we can feel better about our pathetic existence. That’s why all those dickheads get wound up by Greta Thunberg. I mean, talk about living your best life. She has put the entire world to shame. That girl is a boss. She is a child. Yes. She is a child and she has raised a global climate change revolution. When I was a child, I couldn’t raise a Tamagotchi. She’s at the UN, telling them: “We need to save the planet through radical action.” I was like: “Mommy, it’s making a funny noise and asking me to feed it, what do I do?” “Just send it to boarding school.”     We also have no excuse now. It’s never been easier to be a better citizen of the world. I was in the supermarket recently. Not Waitrose, or Whole Foods, before you start judging me. Sorry to disappoint, Not doing Waitrose jokes. Been told to cut them out. For real. After my last tour, my manager took me aside and said: “Jack, your reference points are a little unrelatable. If you ever want to be a comedian you know, a man of the people, cut out the Waitrose stuff.” So, understood. ‘Cause I’m a normal guy. So the other day, I was in the supermarket, my favorite, the “Lie-dl.” Or when I’m in the States, “Walmar.” I saw a sign in the supermarket, though, for Veganuary. That is a great idea, giving up meat for a month. All onboard with that. But why January? On behalf of everyone, can I please say, people need to back the fuck off January. We already have Dry January. Now we have Veganuary. Newsflash: January already the shittest month of the year. That is not the month you should be giving up vices. If anything, that is the month you should be finding new ones for. “Jack, are you giving up booze and meat for January?” “Nope, but I will be taking up heroin.” Yeah, the month flies by, and that Christmas weight just drops off. Who’s with me? 2021, Smackuary. Got to be more ethical ’cause the meat eaters can be more ethical as well. Can ask the right questions. Got to pick your moments. I’m a normal guy, so I took a girl on a date to the Nan-doss. She started asking questions about the chicken. There is a time and a place for asking questions about the chicken. Nan-doss is not it. The poor guy there didn’t have a fucking clue. She asked him where the chicken was from. He said: “The fridge.” That’s the thing. You’ve gotta be aware of the food eaten by the food that we’re eating. I saw an article the other day saying you are no longer allowed to feed ducks in the park bread. Do you know why? Because it makes them… bloated. They’re ducks. Their job… is to float. What does it matter if they’re bloated? That’s a fucking advantage. Started listing alternatives. Instead of feeding them bread, you could feed them corn kernels, you could feed them peas, you could feed them grapes. Grapes? Am I visiting this duck in hospital now? Can you imagine how much of an asshole I would look like if I turned up to my local park, everyone else is chucking in moldy bits of bread, I turn up with a basket of grapes? “Oh, you may be ducks, but today you will feast like swans. Don’t fill up too much, you won’t leave room for the cheese board. Here we are. Lie-dl’s finest Latvian Camembert. Come, enjoy, enjoy.” Gluten-free ducks. Whatever next? They’ll be going keto. That’s what’ll happen. I can’t keep up with the fad diets. There appears to be a new one every week. You’ve got juicers, your fasters. The fasters, that’s the weirdest one. It’s like a cult. Fast the 5:2 diet. “Yeah, I’m doing the 5:2 diet. For five days, I eat what I like. For two days, I fast. And for seven days, I tell everyone about it.” And they’re always so desperate to tell you how good fasting is for you. It’s like: “I have eyes in my head, I can see what’s in front of me.” These people look emaciated, physically weak. Like prisoners of war. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I can’t have that biscuit. I’m actually doing a fast at the moment. It’s absolutely amazing, you’ve got to try it sometime. I haven’t made saliva for three days.” “What have you lost?” “Two stone and my vision.” “It’s honestly the best I’ve ever felt.” Oh, God. I feel like a lot of this will come back and haunt me. I mean, in six months’ time, I will 100% be a vegan. And… drinking falafel milk. I’m just jealous of people for living the life that I want to live. I do it with everything. Like love-life. Now that my love-life is a car crash, I literally cannot be around happy couples. Aww. Give me a cheer if you’re in a happy relationship. Mate, it doesn’t work if you drag your girlfriend’s hand up when I ask that question. Frigging caveman over here. “She happy.” Give me a cheer if you’re in an unhappy relationship. Right, we can hang out. I love spotting these unhappy couples. I saw one the other day. I was on a plane. This husband and wife walked on. I don’t know whether they were husband and wife, but they were over 60. So if you’re over 60, whether you’re married or not, you’re a husband and wife. ‘Cause there is nothing cringier than anyone over 60 referring to themselves as: “boyfriend and girlfriend.” You’re not in primary school. And I know that’s ageist to say, but unfortunately it’s just true. I met this guy the other day. He was old. Like, old-old. Like, you could have got into his iPhone by showing it one of your testicles, like that. He had to be pushing 80. And he introduced me to the woman that he was with: “This is my girlfriend.” That is your next of kin. So the couple come on. The husband sits down, instantly falls asleep, starts snoring out loud. And the wife is looking over at him, and loathing him with every fiber of her being. At one point he did that thing like he was choking in his sleep. Like… I accidentally caught her eye. She gave me a look as if to say: “Shh! If he goes, he goes.” He’s got his tray table down. She’s written, “Do not resuscitate.” Whole flight, he snores out loud. By the time it gets to the landing, even the screaming baby was like: “This guy’s an asshole.” But because his seat was ever so slightly inclined, the air hostess had to come over and put it into the upright position for landing, or as we know, the plane would’ve burst into a ball of flames. In doing so, she accidentally wakes him up, and he was not best pleased. He snapped at her. He was like: “Oh, my God, is… is it really worth leaning over and waking me up for the sake of two inches?” And his wife went: “Not in my experience.” There were high-fives. The pilot had to do an announcement. “To the lady in row 33, you go, girl, you go!” Everyone was loving it. Other than me. I was sat there thinking: “This is the last time I ever sit behind my fucking parents on a plane.” I’m glad you enjoyed that bit. Do you know who did not enjoy that bit the first time he heard it? Michael Whitehall. Oh, my God. The first time he heard that bit, he had the most Michael Whitehall response you have ever heard. I came offstage afterwards. He was waiting for me, looming at the end of the bar, like a pissed vampire. He was like: “I didn’t like that new plane bit of yours.” I was like: “Daddy, obviously it wasn’t actually you guys, it was just a joke.” He went: “Row 33, I do not want people thinking that we fly economy.” He’s got even worse now, as well, that he is a minor celebrity. I’m not saying fame has gone to his head, but the other day, my dad was doing a medical questionnaire and under “Occupation,” he put: “National treasure.” We all know he’s on borrowed time. Eventually he’s going to say or tweet something that’s gonna get him canceled. We did this ancestry show on the BBC, Who Do You Think You Are? The answer, it turns out, is: “an asshole.” Yep, my father comes from a long line of assholes, it turns out. On one side of the family, we were taken to Birmingham. I was like: “Great, I’m going to be related to a Peaky Blinder.” Nope, sex pest. One of my ancestors was a philandering con artist that got syphilis, gave it to his wife, and they both died in a mental asylum. Well, it turns out, he was the good one. Oh, yeah, my other ancestor made old Cheaty McSyphilis look like Mother Teresa. Other side of the family, we visited Wales and discovered that I’m related to a prominent Welsh Tory M.P. that introduced blood sports to the nation, then put down a revolt of Welsh workers that were fighting for the right to vote, and had the William Wallace of Wales arrested, and hung, drawn and quartered for treason. So I’m finding all of this stuff out. I was… I was upset, I was moved, I was disturbed. I turned to look at my dad. Fucking nothing. I was like: “Daddy, you need to look more upset. There are cameras on us. Can you at least pretend to be sad?” He went: “I am sad. It is all deeply depressing. I had absolutely no idea that we were Welsh.” I get it, right? I get it. Your perception of your parents changes over time. As a child, you look at your mom and dad and you’re like: “You two are the most embarrassing people that I have ever seen in my entire life.” Then you get a little bit older, a bit wiser, you become an adult, and eventually you go: “You know what? Actually, I think these two might be all right.” Then they retire and you spend more time with them and you’re like: “Oh, no, I had it right the first time. You’re fucking mental.” And in my family, my sister definitely gets it worse. Last year, my sister got engaged. That should have been a lovely moment for our family. And it was, for nought-point-five seconds. Until she then announced she didn’t want to get married in a church. Oh, dear. Anyone would’ve thought she told him she’d voted Green. Did not go down well. He went: “What do you mean you don’t want to get married in a church, Molly? If I’m paying for this wedding, you’re not having it in a fucking barn. If I’m paying for this wedding, it will happen in a house of worship.” The look on his face when he finds out we’ve booked a mosque. Now the pressure’s on me, of course. To get married. To have a child. They keep asking: “When are you going to give us a grandchild?” I’m like: “I’m trying to put an end to this bloodline of syphilitic mass murderers.” But it’s because I had my first proper breakup recently. I had an amicable breakup, which people tell you is a good thing. I’m here to tell you, it fucking ain’t. Much better to hate the person. I say that as a person. I also say that as an artiste. Because the one advantage of having tragedy in your life as an artiste is it can inspire great work. No one has ever written a brilliant album about a lovely breakup, where everyone behaved impeccably. I wanted her crushing my heart into the floor, throwing my clothes out of the window. I wanted to get Adele’d, right? Instead, my ex-girlfriend took my mom for tea to help my mom transition through the split. Yeah, fuck you with your kindness and generosity. I want to be rolling in the deep. Instead, I’m in the shallow end, making jokes about diarrhea. Then we had this weird situation where me and my ex were just friends and we were living in the same flat together for a couple of months. That was very weird. Trying to help each other acclimatize to our new life as just friends. Shall I tell you the most tragic moment? We were in the kitchen together, and for the first time in six years, she farted in front of me. And no words were exchanged. I just walked out of the room, went upstairs, locked myself in the bathroom, and had a little cry because I knew it was over. In one gust, she had broken wind and my heart. Some of this new material’s quite bleak. Seriously, though. She was farting in front of me. She was trying to make herself less attractive to me. She was literally trying to fart herself off the pedestal. But it didn’t work. I am a man. It only made me love her more. Then I tried to play ball as well. I was like: “Is there anything I could do to make myself less attractive to you?” She went: “No, I think I’m pretty much there.” Now I’ve got to put in an effort again. Got to put a shift in in the bedroom again, I don’t like having to do that. Oh, no, I’m very conservative in the bedroom. No thrills with me between the sheets. I always say, sex with me is like arriving late at the theater and trying to find your seat. Lot of shuffling, bit of shushing, a pause, and from somewhere in the darkness, a whispered: “I’m sorry.” Unfortunately, never that noise. I– I’m just not equipped for any of this. I’m not equipped for a breakup emotionally, ’cause I am a product of the British public school system. If a relationship broke down at boarding school, you weren’t encouraged to talk about it. Mainly ’cause a lot of those teachers could’ve lost their jobs. The closest I’ve come to a relationship since, though, has been with Alexa. Ah, lovely Alexa. Stores and records everything you say, so that she can use it in the future. Just like a real girlfriend. And I lead the bachelor lifestyle now. Woohoo, bachelor lifestyle! Breakfast for dinner. Fuck, yeah. Same underpants for a week. Did someone order a legend? Ooh, is this just the kitchen sink, or is it also now the downstairs toilet? Too far? I love saying that onstage every night, and then looking out into the crowd, without fail, always seeing at least four or five guys laugh, and then turn to their missus and be like: “I have no idea what he’s talking about.” Was that rock bottom, or was rock bottom going to the kitchen and realizing that the only food I had left in the house was the emergency Pot Noodle, only to then discover, she’d taken the kettle? “Well, I guess you’re getting filled up directly from the hot tap.” I’m not proud of myself. Sat on the sofa in a Slanket, crunching through an al dente Bombay Bad Boy, hoping it will give me the sustenance I need to return to the job at hand, namely seeing whether it is possible to wank yourself into a coma. “Say my name, Alexa.” “Jack Whitehall.” “Yeah! Who’s the daddy?” “Searching Michael Whitehall.” “No! Don’t do that.” I think it’s fair to say, I went off the rails a little bit. It all came to a head when I went to… to Germany for a weekend. Uh… quite sad, actually. Last year, we went to Berlin to say goodbye to a friend of mine, who we lost in June… June, July? It was a summer wedding, I can’t remember when. That’s right. After the self-pity stage of breakup grief comes the “getting annihilated” stage, and where better to do that than surrounded by all of your happily married friends? #LivingAShittierLife. So I’ve been up for three days on this stag-do, and I’m in Berlin Airport, on the way home. I’m stood in the queue for airport security, and I put my hand into my pocket to take out my passport, and instead, I withdraw a single edible weed gummy. Oh, dear. I look around for somewhere to dispose of this thing, there is nowhere in immediate sight. For a brief moment, it crossed my mind for a second, I looked in front and there was a child with an open backpack. I didn’t, ’cause I’m not a monster. And I couldn’t distract his mom. S– So I was like, reluctantly: “This is going to have to go down the hatch.” So I swallow this thing. Now, I am a little bit of a novice when it comes to the old edible marijuana. These things are incredibly strong. It hit me like a fucking freight train. By the time I was at the front of this queue, I was so high, I could’ve flown home without the aid of an airplane. I knew I was in serious trouble when I was stood in the body-scanning machine, legs akimbo, arms aloft. I was like: “Why is it not scanning you? It’s not scanning you ’cause it knows that you’ve got drugs in your belly, you naughty boy.” I then realized the actual reason it wasn’t scanning me was ’cause I was stood, legs akimbo, arms aloft, in a regular metal detector. It was at that point that I heard a German voice shouting at me from behind: “Das ist verboten.” I’m no linguist, but I was certain it wasn’t the German for: “Have a nice day. The lounge is over there.” I turn around, the security official is pointing very aggressively at my midriff region and shouting something in German. I realize, with hindsight, he was pointing at my belt. He wanted me to take my belt off. Unfortunately, I was so high, I didn’t even realize I was wearing a belt. For some reason, in that moment, I thought that he was pointing… at my trousers, and I thought that he wanted them off. I was like: “Wow, these German security officials are awfully thorough.” But I went to a Catholic boarding school. If a figure of authority tells you to drop ’em, you fucking drop ’em. So, in the middle of Berlin Airport, I began to slowly start pulling down my trousers. He did not like that one bit. If anything, it made him even angrier. He started shouting more. He was like: “Oben!” Oben, I’ve Googled it. It’s the German word for “up,” as in: “Pull your trousers up.” I don’t speak German. I thought he’d shouted: “Open.” I was like: “This has escalated.” The most worrying element of this story is quite how compliant I was. I thought, in that moment, that a security official wanted to anally cavity search me in front of everyone in the airport, and I put up no protest whatsoever. He literally just had to shout “open” once, and I was assuming the position, preparing for entry. “Well, if that’s the way it’s got to go, Fritz, that’s the way it’s got to go. Stick a pinkie in there first, if you would. Call me old-fashioned but I need to be wooed.” This is why I need a girlfriend. To keep me in line. I’m not good at being single. I should have one-night stands, that’s what you’re to do. I’m scared of one-night stands. Know why? I’m scared of getting something. My friend, he had a one-night stand. He got the one that you can’t get rid of. Kids. Did you just look at your daughter, on the punchline of that joke? That was brutal. “That’s you, that is. My little STD.” -She’s what? It’s your wife? Oh, my God. Oh, my God, I’m so sorry. It’s fine. It’s not like we’re filming this. It’s not going anywhere, it’s fine. Fucking punching. I, uh… Michael Whitehall would be proud. The rest of the show is to this side. I can’t even look over there. This guy’s going to come up– Stop waving at me. No, that doesn’t make it any better. I already feel absolutely mortified. Thank you, comedy gods. But we must move on. My point is, I’m not ready to have a child. I’d be a terrible parent. Oh, my God. This was a sign I saw recently. I was driving along the road. There was a sign at the side of it: “Drive like your children live here.” I was doing 130 when I hit that tree. I did this recently. Oh, my God. Has anyone ever done it? I accidentally hit a kid skiing. Someone’s laughing over there, like they’ve done it. Not good. It probably wasn’t your fault either. It was so unfair. To be fair to me, this little fucker cut straight in front of me, in the line for the buffet, and I just lashed out. The reality is, I reckon, some parents don’t help their kids. I met a woman the other day whose child’s name… was Isis. I know. I know. She was like: “It’s Greek for ‘goddess of nature.'” I was like: “It’s rest of the world for ‘shooty-shooty, bomb-bomb.'” So you need to think of another name, love, ’cause that one’s been hijacked. Wrong word, wrong word. Also, this wasn’t information she shared with the group. This was information she casually dropped into the conversation, like it was a normal thing. I’d never met this woman before in my life. You can imagine how concerned I was. We’re all sat there in the pub, having a lovely drink, when all of a sudden, this complete stranger pipes up and goes: “Well, I need to go home to be up early tomorrow morning to help Isis with a project.” “Sorry, I beg your fucking pardon?” “Yes, typical Isis, announces it at five o’clock and it’s me that’s got to go to the shop and buy all the bloody materials. Then I’ve to pack the backpack, drive to the bus stop. I might as well take it to school myself.” “Take this bitch down right fucking now.” Eventually I realize she’s talking about her child. I was like: “You can’t call your child Isis.” She was like: “I called her Isis before the terrorist organization. I was like: “I should fucking hope so.” But unfortunately, there are certain names that get taken out of circulation. That’s why you don’t swipe right with many Adolfs on Tinder. To be fair to Hitler… which is a terrible sentence… to start any routine with. To be fair to Hitler– Stop saying it, stop saying it. I… I’ve always wanted a catchphrase, I don’t think that’s the one to plumb for. In Hitler’s defense… No, worse! Worse, worse, worse. Worse. Swastikas, that’s what I want to talk about. Okay? Swastikas, okay? Perfect example of appropriation. Have you met this dickhead that says to you: “Oh, I don’t know whether you know this, but the swastika is actually a Buddhist symbol”? “Yeah… not anymore.” “No, it symbolizes the footprints of the Buddha.” “You know what? Next time you walk into a bar and you see a guy with a shaved head and a swastika tattooed on his neck, you walk up to him and give him your friendliest… namaste. Let’s hope you get reincarnated as someone that’s not a twat.”     Anyway, I’m being harsh. I’m being harsh. Obviously, this mother didn’t call her daughter Isis provocatively. And apparently, Isis was a lovely little girl. And a wonderful sister, as well. To her brothers, Hamas and Hezbollah. Ah, that’s a routine that feels like it’s on borrowed time. The best thing about doing that bit is I’ve been doing that for months, and now that I’ve done it on tour, you get other people coming up to you that want to tell you that their child is also called Isis. And I tell you, it attracts a certain type of person. I was in a crowded hotel lobby the other day. This guy in a tweed jacket comes striding towards me. “Jack, my daughter’s Isis as well.” “We are in public, mate.” “Come over here. Will you do a video for her on the phone? Come on. Do a video for her. He’s doing a video for Isis.” “Shut up!” I’ll tell you another one. An awkward social situation that I mess up on a daily basis now. Not realizing that my AirPods have not synced up to my mobile phone, and my music is playing to fucking everyone. Had the worst one the other day. Happened in the gym. Now, when I go to the gym, I’m like The Rock. No pain, no gain. I leave nothing there. I find an exercise bike in the corner, and pop myself on it. Put on my hoodie, stick in my AirPods, and I’ll put on something mellow. We’re talking audio book, we’re talking classical music, we’re talking film score. I set the incline to nought-point-five, and then I have a quiet little pootle, like I am one of Call The Fucking Midwife. Only on this occasion, everyone in the gym is looking at me. Now, for some reason, my first thought was: “Hmm, they must all be looking over here ’cause Quadzilla is burning some serious rubber.” I then had an awful moment, where it dawned upon me that the actual reason everyone in the gym was looking at me is that I was in the corner, on an exercise bike, hoodie on, AirPods in, playing to the entire gym, the theme tune from E.T. Do I look normal and nice again? Yes, one woman, thank you very much. That wolf whistle was a little late. But thank you. I’m going to tell you one more story. It’s about my dad. Look, I know that I’ve made jokes about him, and uh… the reality is, I love him dearly, and I never take for granted how lucky I am to spend that time traveling around the world with him. And I’m so proud of him, for how much he puts himself out of his comfort zone to do the stuff that we do. I get to see whole new sides to my dad that I never thought that I would see. And that’s not to say that, on occasion, I haven’t pushed him too far. And so I want to leave you with this story about the occasion when I did just that. And it was actually very traumatic at the time. It was something that we didn’t feel like we could put in the show, because it wound up with him collapsing and being rushed to hospital. But… tragedy plus time equals comedy. So, here goes. It happened when we went to the Ukraine, and we visited Chernobyl. Has anyone ever been to Chernobyl, by the way? Just that woman over there. Holding up her third hand. It’s a terrifying place, terrifying place, the site of the worst ever nuclear disaster in human history. Uninhabited now, other than by packs of feral, stray dogs, but, weirdly, also now a tourist destination. Fun for all the family. They’ve got a gift shop in Chernobyl. They’ve got a canteen in Chernobyl. A canteen in Chernobyl, which no one in their right mind would eat in. Unfortunately, my father, not in his right mind. We went in there. It was full of Japanese tourists. Eventually, I get to the front of the queue. I was like: “So, what’s on the menu today?” “Meat… in bun.” “Thank you, madam. What’s the vegetarian option?” “You take the meat… out of the bun.” A hundred times I told Daddy: “Do not eat the meat in a bun.” Did he listen? Did he– Fuck. He was like: “I’ve eaten lunch every day at 1:00 p.m. my entire life, today will be no exception. Go find me a wine list.” “Wine list? Daddy, we’re in a canteen in Chernobyl, there is no wine list. Even if there was, I don’t think you’d want to go anywhere near.” “Would sir like the red, white, or glow-in-the-dark?” “Uh… red, please. Could you suggest a good year?” “Anything before 1986.” I was like: “Daddy, you’re not having any wine. Just… have a glass of water.” He went: “I don’t drink water.” “Why?” “Because fish fuck in it.” So he doesn’t drink any water. He eats the mystery “meat” in a bun. Cut to 45 minutes later. We’re in a van with our camera crew. We are driving past the exclusion zone towards Pripyat, into the deserted woodlands, the most toxic and radioactive place on earth, when all of a sudden, my father turns to me and whispers in my ear: “Jack, I need the toilet.” I turn to look at him, and he does not look in a good way. Seriously, I have not seen him this red in the face since I told him there was a Women’s World Cup. I’m like: “Daddy, you can’t go to the toilet, you missed your chance, we are now in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.” He grabbed my arm, and in a voice that sounded like he had been possessed by a demon, he goes: “Stop this van!” I’ve never seen my dad partake in physical exercise in his entire life. He literally ripped open the door to this van, and he ran into the woods like he was Usain fucking Bolt. I turned to the camera crew, I’m like: “Hide behind the van. I will go and deal with this.” I follow my father into the woods, past these signs. “Danger, do not trespass.” “Radiation.” You’re constantly told in Chernobyl that you cannot touch or lean on any surface, for fear of radiation poisoning. Therefore, as I enter the woods, it becomes very clear very quickly that the only way that my 79-year-old father is going to be able to relieve himself in the woods… is with my assistance. Oh, you may grimace. I had to live through this experience. My father pulls down the trousers of his three-piece suit. I take him in both hands… I tread on the tops of his feet, and at the same time, we both start to slowly lean back… like we’re doing some horrible tantric yoga pose. I can’t look at him, I have to go to a happy place. I start humming a tune. I’m broken from my happy place by the sound of barking. I open my eyes. One of these feral, radioactive dogs is advancing towards my father’s arse, thinking: “Mmm, lunchtime!” I’m trying to scare this thing away. I’m like: “Shoo, shoo, please just leave us alone.” My dad’s shouting as well: “This is so fucking undignified.” I think it’s when the coachload of Japanese tourists drove past… that I must have gone into a fugue state. That is not a side of my father that I want to see. The next thing that I remember is coming to, walking towards this van, thinking: “I’m never going to be able to look Daddy in the eye ever again.” I call the camera crew out from their hiding place. First comes our director, then our cameraman. The third person to emerge was Marc, our sound engineer. He also had a haunted look on his face. It’s at that point that I realize that throughout the entire ordeal in the woods, we had been wearing microphones. Then, as if it couldn’t get any worse, the crunch of tires on gravel, an armored vehicle pulls up. And from that armored vehicle emerged three armed members of the Ukrainian military police. They assess the scene, they see my father’s ashen face, they see the signs that we have completely ignored, and they see the site of Chernobyl’s second worst ever nuclear fallout. They do not look best pleased. It’s at that point that I think quickly and I intervene. I’m like: “Gentlemen, before you say anything, can I just point out that I have read all of the signs here, and nowhere can I see one that says, ‘Would you please refrain from entering the woods with active diarrhea.'” Wembley, you’ve been absolutely amazing. Thank you very much. I’ve been Jack Whitehall, good night. Chernobyl 2018
 30 minutes after fallout [Michael Whitehall] I don’t know why you’re fucking smirking. We’ve ended up in hospital in Chernobyl. [Michael Whitehall] I look like I’m being basted for Christmas. Why’re they lined up? You’re not Prince Charles. [Michael Whitehall] I would like to thank you all very much for looking after me so well. And I will always have very fond memories of this hospital, and of you three for looking after me."
1686241997-177,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,George Carlin: You Are All Diseased (1999) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-you-are-all-diseased-transcript/,"You Are All Diseased is the 16th album and 11th HBO live broadcast stand-up special by comedian George Carlin, recorded on February 6, 1999 at the Beacon Theater in New York City How’s Everybody Doin’? Thank you… So let me ask you something. Let me ask you how’s everybody doing tonight huh? Good well f*ck you! Just trying to make you feel at home. Now listen… I’ve been out here all this time and I haven’t been complaining about anything yet so I think it’s time to go into the complaint department. This is just a series of things that are pissing me off. Okay? A series of things that are pissing me off cause I don’t have pet peeves, I have major psychotic f*cking hatreds. Okay? And it makes the world a lot easier to sort out. Airport Security First thing on my list tonight… airport security. Tired of this shit. There’s too much of it; there’s too much security at the airport. I’m tired of some guy with a double digit IQ and a triple digit income rooting around inside of my bag for no reason and never finding anything! Haven’t found anything yet! Haven’t found one bomb in one bag! And don’t tell me “well, the terrorists know their bags are gonna be searched so now they’re leaving their bombs at home.” There are no bombs. The whole thing is f*cking pointless! And it’s completely without logic! There’s no logic at all! They’ll take away a gun, but let you keep a knife! Well what the f*ck is that? In fact, there’s a whole list of lethal objects they will allow you to take on board. Theoretically, you could take… a knife, an ice pick, a hatchet, a straight razor, a pair of scissors, a chainsaw, 6 knitting needles, and a broken whiskey bottle, and the only thing they’re gonna say to you is “that bag has to fit all the way under the seat in front of you.” And if you didn’t take the weapon on board, relax; after you’ve been flying for about an hour, they’re gonna bring you a knife and fork. They actually give you a f*cking knife! It’s only a table knife but you could kill a pilot with a table knife. It might take you a couple of minutes you know… especially if he’s hefty huh? Yeah but you could get the job done, if you really wanted to kill the prick. Shit, there’s a lot of things you could use to kill a guy with; you could probably beat a guy to death with the Sunday New York Times couldn’t you? Or suppose you just have really big hands. Couldn’t you strangle a flight attendant? Shit, you could probably strangle two of them; one with each hand… you know, if you are lucky enough to catch them in that little kitchen area… before they give out the f*cking peanuts you know? But you could get the job done… if you really cared enough. So why is it they allow a man with big powerful hands get onboard an airplane? I’ll tell you why. They know he’s not a security risk because he’s already answered the three big questions. Question number 1: “Did you pack your bags yourself?” … … No. Carrot Top packed my bags. He and Martha Stewart and Florence Henderson came over to the house last night, fixed me a lovely Lobster Newburg, gave me a full body massage with sacred oils from India, performed a four-way around the world, and then they packed my bags. Next question! “Have your bags been in your possession the whole time?” No. Usually, the night before I travel, just as the moon is rising, I place my suitcases out on the street corner and leave them there unattended for several hours… just for good luck. Next question! “Has any unknown person asked you to take anything on board?” Hmm… well what exactly is an “unknown person”? Surely, everyone is known to someone. In fact, just this morning, Karim and Yusef Ali Bangaba seemed to know each other quite well. They kept joking about which one of my suitcases was the heaviest. And that’s another thing they don’t like at the airport… jokes. You know? Yeah, you can’t joke about a bomb. But why is it just jokes? What about a riddle? How about a limerick? How about a bomb anecdote? You know… no punch line, just a really cute story. Or suppose you intended to remark, not as a joke, but as an ironic musing, are they prepared to make that distinction? Why I think not. And besides, who’s to say what’s funny? Airport security is a stupid idea, it’s a waste of money, and it’s only there for one reason, to make white people feel safe. That’s all. The illusion, the feeling and illusion of safety cause the authorities know they can’t make an airplane completely safe; too many people have access. You notice the drug smugglers don’t seem to have a lot of trouble getting their little packages on board, do they? No and God bless them too! Oh and by the way, an airplane flight shouldn’t be completely safe. You need a little danger in your life. Take a f*cking chance once in a while will you? What are you gonna do? Play with your prick for another 30 years? What, are you gonna read People’s Magazine and eat at Wendy’s till the end of time? Take a f*cking chance! Besides, even if they made all of the airplanes completely safe, the terrorists would simply start bombing other places that are crowded; porn shops, crack houses, titty bars, and gangbangs. You know? Entertainment venues. The odds of you being killed by a terrorist are practically zero! So I say relax and enjoy the show. You have to be a realist; you have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people… certain groups – Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana – are gonna continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time. That’s the reality; angry men in combat fatigues talking to God on a two-way radio and muttering incoherent slogans about freedom are eventually going to provide us with a great deal of entertainment, especially after your stupid f*cking economy collapses all around you and the terrorists come out of the woodwork and you’ll have anthrax in your water supply, and saran gas in your air conditioner, there’ll be chemical and biological suitcase bombs in every city and I say “enjoy it, relax, enjoy the show, take a f*cking chance, put a little fun in your life.” To me, terrorism is exciting, it’s exciting. I think the very idea that you could set off a bomb in a marketplace and kill several hundred people is exciting and stimulating and I see it as a form of entertainment! Entertainment… that’s all it is. Yeah… but I also know that most Americans are soft and frightened and unimaginative and they don’t realize there’s such a thing as dangerous fun. And they certainly don’t recognize a good show when they see one! I have always been willing to put myself at great personal risk for the sake of entertainment and I’ve always been willing to put you at great personal risk for the same reason. As far as I’m concerned, all of this airport security, all the searches, the screenings, the cameras, the questions, it’s just one more way of reducing your liberty, and reminding you that they can f*ck with you anytime they want… as long as you put up with it… as long as you put up with it; which means of course anytime they want, cause that’s what Americans do now, they’re always willing to trade away a little of their freedom in exchange for the feeling, the illusion of security. Fear of Germs What we have now is a completely neurotic population obsessed with security and safety and crime and drugs and cleanliness and hygiene and germs… there’s another thing… germs. Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media, constantly running stories about all the latest infections – salmonella, e-coli, hanta virus, bird flu – and Americans, they panic easily so now everybody’s running around, scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! It’s true! Yeah! Well, they don’t want you to get an infection! And you could see their point; wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell and be sick! It would take a lot of the sportsmanship out of the whole execution. Fear of germs… why these f*cking pussies! You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore! They cook the shit out of everything now cause everybody’s afraid of food poisoning! Hey, where’s your sense of adventure? Take a f*cking chance will you? You know how many people die in this country from food poisoning every year? 9000… that’s all; it’s a minor risk! Take a f*cking chance… bunch of goddamn pussies! Besides, what do you think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice… it needs germs to practice on. So listen! If you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna do… you’re gonna get sick, you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna deserve it cause you’re f*cking weak and you got a f*cking weak immune system! Let me tell you a true story about immunization okay? When I was a little boy in New York City in the 1940s, we swam in the Hudson River and it was filled with raw sewage okay? We swam in raw sewage! You know… to cool off! And at that time, the big fear was polio; thousands of kids died from polio every year but you know something? In my neighbourhood, no one ever got polio! No one! Ever! You know why? Cause we swam in raw sewage! It strengthened our immune systems! The polio never had a prayer; we were tempered in raw shit! So personally, I never take any special precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people that sneeze and cough, I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor, I pick it up and eat it! Yes I do. Even if I’m at a sidewalk café! In Calcutta! The poor section! On New Year’s morning during a soccer riot! And you know something? In spite of all that so-called risky behaviour, I never get infections, I don’t get them, I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system and it gets a lot of practice. My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes, and we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs, and anti-personnel fragmentation mines. So when my white blood cells are on patrol recon ordering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, if they see any, ANY suspicious looking germs of any kind, they don’t f*ck around! They whip out their weapons; they wax the motherf*cker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon! There’s no nonsense, there’s no Miranda warning, there’s none of that “three strikes and you’re out” shit, first defense, BAM… into the colon you go! And speaking of my colon, I want you to know I don’t automatically wash my hands every time I go to the bathroom okay? Can you deal with that? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t. You know when I wash my hands? When I shit on them! That’s the only time. And you know how often that happens? Tops, TOPS, 2-3 times a week tops! Maybe a little more frequently over the holidays, you know what I mean? And I’ll tell you something else my well-scrubbed friends… you don’t need to always need to shower every day, did you know that? It’s overkill, unless you work out or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day, you don’t always need to shower. All you really need to do is to wash the four key areas; armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. Got that? Armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth. In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas! Cigars Now listen… I got a few more items of things that are pissing me off, and this one comes in the form of a question. Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar-smoking shit in this country? Huh? Huh? When is this gonna end? When is this shit gonna go away? When are these fat, arrogant, overpaid, overfed, overprivileged, overindulged, white-collared, business-criminal, asshole cocksuckers gonna put out their cigars and move along to their next abomination… white pussy businessmen sucking on a big brown dick? That’s all it is. That’s all it ever was… a big brown dick! Sigmund Freud said “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” Oh yeah? Well sometimes it’s a big brown dick… with a fat, arrogant, white-collared, business-criminal asshole sucking on the wet end of it! But hey, hey, the news is not all bad for me, not all bad; you wanna know the good part? Cancer of the mouth. Good! F*ck ‘em! Makes me happy; it’s an attractive disease… goes nice with a cell phone! So light up suspender man, and suck that smoke deep down into your empty suit and blow it out your ass you f*cking cocksucker! Angels Here’s another question I’ve been pondering… what is all this shit about angels? Have you heard this? Yeah… 3 out of 4 people now believe in angels. What are you f*cking stupid? Has everybody lost their f*cking mind in this country? Angels… shit! You know what I think it is? I think it’s a massive, collective, psychotic, chemical flashback of all the drugs, ALL the drugs smoked, swallowed, snorted, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990; 30 years of adulterated street drugs will get you some f*cking angels my friend! Angels… shit! What about goblins huh? Doesn’t anybody believe in goblins? Never hear about them except on Halloween and it’s always negative shit too you know? And zombies… where the f*ck are all the zombies? That’s the trouble with zombies; they’re unreliable. I say if you’re gonna buy the angel shit you might as well go for the zombie package as well. Harley-Davidson Here’s another horrifying example, an aspect of American culture, the-the pussification, the continued… the continued pussification of the American male in the form of Harley Davidson theme restaurants. What the f*ck is going on here? Harley Davidson used to mean something. It stood for biker attitude; grimy outlaws in their sweaty mamas full of beer and crank, rolling around on Harleys, looking for a good time – destroying property, raping teenagers, and killing policemen… all very necessary activities by the way. But now? Theme restaurants and this soft shit obviously didn’t come from hardcore bikers; it came from these weekend motorcyclists, these fraudulent two-day-a-week motherf*ckers who have their bikes trucked into Sturgis, South Dakota for the big rally and then ride around like they just came in off the road. Dentists and bureaucrats and pussy-boy software designers getting up on a Harley cause they think it makes them cool. Well hey skeezics, you ain’t cool, you’re f*cking chilli and chilli ain’t never been cool. House of Blues And here… as long as we’re talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition for you. I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Huh? What a f*cking disgrace that place is! The House of Blues… they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherf*ckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherf*ckers… especially these male movie stars who think they’re blues artists. You ever see these guys? Don’t you just wanna puke in your soup when one of these fat, balding, overweight, overaged, out of shape, middle aged, male movie stars with sunglasses jumps onstage and starts blowing into a harmonica? It’s a f*cking sacrilege! In the first place, white people got no business playing the blues ever at all under any circumstances ever, ever, ever! What the f*ck do white people have to be blue about? Banana Republic ran out of khakis? Huh? The espresso machine is jammed? Hootie and the Blowfish are breaking up? Shit, white people ought to understand their job is to give people the blues, not to get them… and certainly not to sing or play them. Tell you a little secret about the blues; it’s not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing… I don’t think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. Stop that! Stick to your faggoty polkas and waltzes and that repulsive country line-dancing shit that you do and be yourself, be proud, be white, be lame, and get the f*ck off the dance floor! Minority Language Now listen, long as we’re discussing minorities, I’d like to mention something about language. There are a couple of terms being used a lot these days by guilty white liberals. First one is “happens to be”… “He happens to be black. I have a friend who happens to be black.” Like it’s a f*cking accident you know? Happens to be black? “Yes, he happens to be black.” Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he had two black parents? “Oh yes, yes he did. Yes, that’s right.” Right, and they f*cked? “Oh indeed they did… indeed they did.” So where does the surprise part come in? I should think it would be more unusual if he just happened to be Scandinavian! And the other term is “openly.” “Openly gay.” They say “he’s openly gay.” But that’s the only minority they use that for. You know, you wouldn’t say someone was “openly black.” … well maybe James Brown… or Louis Farrakhan; Louis Farrakhan is openly black. Colin Powell is not openly black, Colin Powell is openly white; he just happens to be black. And while we’re at it, when did the word “urban” become synonymous with the word “black”? Did I fall asleep for 8 or 9 years? Urban styles, urban trends, urban music, I was not consulted on this at all, didn’t get an email, didn’t get a fax, didn’t get a f*cking postcard, fine, let them go and I don’t think white women should be calling each other “girlfriend” okay? Stop pretending to be black! And no matter what color you are, “you go, girl” should probably go! Right along with “you da man” “Hey, you da man!” Oh yeah? Well you da f*cking honky! Man Stuff Now, something a little more positive for you, don’t want you to think the whole show is just negativity. This is about a festival. This is my idea for one of those big outdoor summer festivals. This is called “slug-fest.” This is for men only. Here’s what you do… you get about 100,000 of these f*cking men; you know the ones I mean, these macho motherf*ckers, yeah, these strutting, preening, posturing, hairy, sweaty, alpha-male jackoffs… the muscle assholes. You take about 100,000 of these disgusting pricks and you throw them in a big dirt arena, big 25-acre dirt arena and you just let them beat the shit out of each other for 24 hours nonstop, no food, no water, just whiskey and PCP! And you just let them punch and pound and kick the shit out of each other until only one guy is left standing, then you take that guy and you put him on a pedestal and you shoot him in the f*cking head! Yeah. Then you put the whole thing on TV. Budweiser would jump at that shit in half a minute… and guys would volunteer, guys would line up, all you gotta do is promise them a small appliance of some kind. Men will do anything, just give them something that plugs in the wall and makes a whirring noise. Here’s another male cliché… these guys that cut the sleeves off of their t-shirts so the rest of us can have an even more compelling experience of smelling their armpits. I say “Hey Bruno, shut it down would you please? You smell like an anchovy’s cu*t okay? Ughh… not good… ugh… ugh… whoa… not good Bruno, and definitely not for sharing.” This is the same kind of guy that has that barbed wire tattoo that goes all the way around the bicep. You’ve seen that haven’t you? That’s just what I need; some guy who hasn’t been laid since the bicentennial wants me to think he’s a “baaad motherf*cka” because he’s got a picture… aha ha… a painting of some barbed wire on his- I say “hey junior, come around when you have the real thing on there, I’ll squeeze that shit on good and tight for ya okay?” No kidding, no kidding, this is the same kind of guy, that if you smashed him in the face 8 or 9 times with a big chunk of concrete, and then beat him over the head with a steel rod for an hour and a half, you know what? He dropped like a f*cking rock. Like a rock. Here’s another guy thing that sucks… these t-shirts that say “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You ever see that? This is more of that stupid Marine Corps bullshit; obsolete, male impulses from 100,000 years ago. “Lead, follow, or get out of the way!” You know what I do when I see that shirt? I obstruct! I stand right in the guy’s path, force him to walk around me, gets a little past me, I spin him around, kick him in the nuts, rip off the shirt, wipe it on my ass, and shove it down his f*cking throat! That’s what I do when I see that shirt. Yeah. Hey listen, that’s all these marines are looking for… a good time. And speaking of tough guys, I’m getting a little tired of hearing that after 6 policemen get arrested for shoving a floor lamp up some black guy’s ass and ripping his intestines out, the police department announces they’re gonna have sensitivity training. I say “hey, if you need special training to be told not to jam a large cumbersome object up someone else’s asshole, maybe you’re too f*cked up to be on the police force in the first place huh?” Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know, listen… you know what they ought to do? They ought to have two new requirements for being on the police; intelligence and decency! You never can tell, it might just work; it certainly hasn’t been tried yet. No one should ever have any object placed inside their asshole that is larger than a fist and less loving than a dildo okay? Now, this next thing is about our president. This is about our president. Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Bill Jeff, Clinton… I don’t call him “Clinton”, I call him “Clit-tin”… “Clit-tin… C-L-I-T… T-I-N apostrophe!” His big deal was JFK, isn’t that right? Loved JFK, wanted to emulate JFK in every way. Well, JFK’s administration was called “Camelot”… well, it really should’ve been called “Come-a-lot” cause that’s what he did, he came a lot! So Clinton’s looking for a legacy, that’s what he should call- well maybe, “Come-a-little” would be better for him cause he came a little, you know… little on the dress, little on the desk, not a whole lot, really. Hey, he was no match, no match for Kennedy in the pussy department. Kennedy aimed high; Marilyn Monroe. Clinton showed his dick to a government clerk. There’s a drop-off here. There’s a drop-off. Kids and Parents     Something else I’m getting tired of… there’s all this stupid bullshit that we have to listen to all the time about children. It’s all you hear in this country… children, “help the children!” “what about the children?” “save the children!” You know what I say? F*ck the children! F*ck ‘em! They’re getting entirely too much attention! And I know what you’re thinking, you say “Jesus, he’s not gonna attack children is he?” Yes he is! He’s going to attack children! And remember, this is Mr. Conductor talking; I know what I’m talking about! I also know all you single dads and soccer moms who think you’re such f*cking heroes aren’t gonna like this, but somebody’s gotta tell you for your own good, your children are overrated and overvalued. You’ve turned them into little cult objects, you have a child fetish, and it’s not healthy! Don’t give me that weak shit “well, I love my children!” F*ck you! Everybody loves their children, doesn’t make you special. John Wayne Gacy loved his children… kept them all right out on the yard near the garage. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is this constant mindless yammering in the media, this neurotic fixation that somehow, everything, EVERYTHING has to be revolved around children. It’s completely out of balance. Listen, there are a couple of things about kids that you have to remember. First of all, they’re not all cute! Okay? In fact, if you look at them close, some of them are rather unpleasant-looking. And a lot of them don’t smell too good either; the little ones in particular seem to have a kind of urine and sour milk combination or something. Stay with me on this, the sooner you face it, the better off you’re gonna be. Second premise, not all children are smart and clever. Got that? Kids are like any other group of people; a few winners, a whole lot of losers! There are a lot of loser kids out there who simply aren’t going anywhere and you can’t save them all, you can’t save them all, you gotta let them go, you gotta cut them loose, you gotta stop overprotecting them cause you’re making them too soft. Today’s kids are way too soft. For one thing, there’s too much emphasis on safety; child-proof medicine bottles and fireproof pyjamas, child restraints in car seats, and HELMETS! Bicycle, skateboard, baseball helmets! Kids have to wear helmets now for everything but jerking off! Grown-ups have taken all the fun out of being a kid just to save a few thousand lives. It’s pathetic! It’s pathetic! What’s happening is- what’s happening, you know what it is? These baby-boomers, these soft, fruity baby-boomers are raising an entire generation of soft, fruity kids who aren’t even allowed to have hazardous toys for Christ’s sakes! Hazardous toys, shit, whatever happened to natural selection? Survival of the fittest? The kid who swallows too many marbles doesn’t grow up to have kids of his own! Simple as that! Simple! Nature! Nature knows best. We’re saving entirely too many lives in this country of all ages. Nature should be allowed to do its job of killing off the weak and sickly and ignorant people without interference from airbags and batting helmets! Just think of it as passive eugenics okay? Now here’s another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news every time some guy with an AK-47 strolls onto a school yard and kills 3 or 4 kids and a couple of teachers, the next day, the next day, the school is overrun with counsellors and psychiatrists and grief counsellors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope? Shit! When I was in school, someone came to our school and killed 3 or 4 of us; we went right on with our arithmetic! “35 classmates minus 4 equals 31.” We were tough… we were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle the violence in school. I’m not worried about guns in school. You know what I’m waiting for? Guns in church. That’s gonna be a lot of fun and it’ll happen, you watch, some nut will go f*cking ape-shit in a church and they’ll refer to him as a “disgruntled worshipper.” Here’s another bunch of ignorant shit… school uniforms. Bad theory; the idea that if kids wear uniforms to school, it helps keep order. Don’t these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they’re gonna get them to look alike too? And it’s not a new idea; I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand cause the narration was in German! One more item about children and that is the superstitious nonsense that blames tobacco companies for kids who smoke. Listen, kids don’t smoke because a camel in sunglasses tells them to, they smoke for the same reasons adults do because it relieves anxiety and depression. And you’d be anxious and depressed too if you had to put up with these pathetic, insecure, striving, anal, yuppy parents who enrol you in college before you’re old enough to know which side of the playpen smells the worst! And then they fill you full of riddle and then drag you all over town in search of meaningless structure; little league, club scouts, swimming, soccer, karate, piano, bagpipes, water colors, witchcraft, glass blowing, and dildo practice. They even have play dates for Christ’s sakes; playing is now done by appointment! Whatever happened to “you show me your wee-wee and I’ll show you mine?” Hey, no wonder kids smoke; it helps… not as much as weed but hey, you can’t have everything. You know it’s true; parents are burning these kids out on structure. I think every day; all children should have three hours of daydreaming. Just daydreaming – you could use a little of it yourself by the way – just sit at the window, stare at the clouds, it’s good for you. If you wanna know how you can help your children, leave them the f*ck alone! TV Tonight Now, a little change of pace, a little change of intensity. I want you to know what’s on television tonight on the other channels, always like people to know what it is they’re missing by listening to my shit. First of all, on the Playboy channel, on the Playboy channel, yeah, tonight, they have one of those new reality shows where the people at home send in their own tapes; it’s called “Home Videos of Bad F*cking”. And speaking of that delightful activity, I guess you know last week, Ricky Lake had a special program, “Women Who Fake Orgasms”, so tonight, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer has a night time special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements”. Yeah, I think they’re running out of topics on those shows too. Sally Jesse’s next show is “Rapists Who Force Their Victims to Play ‘Yatzee’ Beforehand”. Getting a little strange on daytime TV. Then, later on tonight on the Nostalgia channel, they’re gonna play back to back two of my favourite episodes of “Little House on the Prairie”, first of all, the 1975 Christmas show “A Douchebag for Clara”. Wasn’t that good? Aw… and it was sad toward the end when she cried cause she stuck it in the wrong hole! But as they say in the U.S. Navy, “there is no wrong hole”. And then, right after that, they’re gonna play my favourite “Little House on the Prairie” of all time, “Missy Takes a Big Dump in the Woods”. And that was interesting, I thought, cause she had on the high heels and the long dress, and it was fun to watch how she had to maneuver through the poison sumac, and they didn’t have toilet paper in those days, she had to use a series of pinecones, and she was pulling them in the wrong direction! Yes, I understand toward the end of the show, they had to bleep out a lot of screaming and foul language. And then hey, hey, later on tonight on the Pay-Per-View, on Pay-Per-View, Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson’s concert is on and TV guide-listed all the songs he’s gonna sing; he’s gonna start out with one of my favourites, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off”. Isn’t that a good one? God I love that song! Then he’s gonna do a series of love songs, “Kiss Me, I’m Coming”. Aw that’s a good one. “Kiss me, I’m coming. Oh now, I’m humming, mmmmmm” Well I can’t help it, I am a romantic and I do enjoy the sentimental tunes. Here’s a sad song “I Should’ve F*cked Oh ‘Whatshername’”. Remember that? “I should’ve never played the game, I should’ve f*cked oh ‘whatshername’”. Here’s one my mother used to sing around the house, “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now, You’re Gone”. Yeah, that one always got to me. I’m glad you feel the same way. Here’s a fine love song, “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me”. He’s even gonna do a Stevie Wonder song, “I Just Called To Say I Tested ‘Positive’”. Well, you don’t wanna leave anybody out, you know what I mean? And hey, and hey, what would a Willie Nelson show be without a couple of cowboy songs? He’s gonna do that one George Jones and Weyland Jennings wrote, “Drinking Beer, Taking a Shit, and Passing Out”, then he’s gonna do kind of a traditional western song, one that Gene Autry used to sing when I was a little boy, “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow”. You know why I like that song so much? Cause it’s a real cowboy song. And by the way, speaking of cattle-f*cking, do you know why it is when a rancher f*cks a sheep, he does so at the edge of a cliff? It’s so the sheep will push back; just a little tip for you outdoorsmen when you’re out camping. Names Now this next thing is about names, that’s all, names. Names are an interest of mine, not a hobby, hobbies cost money, interests are free. This is just about names. Did you ever notice how they name Singles Bars? Singles Bars all have the same cutsy little one-word names that end in ‘s’. Scamps, Tramps, Chaps, Rumours, Cahoots, Cheers, Chances, Mingles, Risks, Gambits, Notions, hey, if I had a Singles Bar, you know what I’d call it? Nipples and Dicks! A little truth in advertising! The Sperm Club! Snatch o’ Rama! The Crotch-e-teria! Frankie’s F*ckery! Café Vagina! Open All Night! Well I’m an old fashioned guy. I’m old fashioned because I believe the name on the outside of a place ought to let you know what’s going on on the inside. Here would be a good name for a gay restaurant, “The Mouthful”, huh? Come on, that’s clever shit, that’s a double pun goddammit, you didn’t think of it! Besides, you don’t have to eat there if you don’t want to. No, no, just go in, have a cocktail… or a high-ball. Here’s another name I don’t care for, TGI Fridays, you know these cutsy-ass little places? TGI Fridays! Hghhh. That whole “TGIF” thing was cute for about an hour… and that was 65 years ago when someone first said it on the radio, not cute anymore, time to start bombing these locations! TGI Fridays, if I had a place like that, you know what I’d call it? HSIOW… Holy Shit, It’s Only Wednesday. I think people would drink a lot more liquor if they thought it was Wednesday all the time. Well I’m just looking for a little honesty in these names. A little honesty, that’s not asking a lot. I’m thinking of opening up a motel and calling it “The Sleep n’ F*ck”. Wouldn’t that be a good honest name for a motel? Who needs this shady “Pines” bullshit? “The Sleep n’ F*ck” motel; get me one of them big neon signs, “Sleep… F*ck… Sleep n’ F*ck!” You put it right at the Jersey entrance to the Holland tunnel you know? Actually “F*ck n’ Sleep” would be a little more accurate wouldn’t it? Best name for a motel would be “The F*ck n’ Smoke n’ Sleep n’ Roll Over and Get Out of Bed and Wash Your Crotch and Grab a Bite, Two Cans of Mr. Pip and Go Home and F*ck a Whole Lot More” cause that’s all they have left in those soda machines on Sunday night, Mr. Pip and Diet Chaster Orange… and that yellow can of Canada Dry Tonic Water that nobody wants! And speaking of naming things, am I the only person in this country who’s laughing when these commercials come on television for “Snapper Lawn Mowers”? Isn’t there anyone else in this fading Republic who knows what a snapper is? A snapper is a pussy okay? That’s what it means, “snapper” means “pussy”. It’s derived from an older, more specific term, “Snappin’ Pussy”… which describes a particular type of pussy, one with good quick muscular control, kind of an elasticity in the vaginal wall that can grab a hold of you and give you a decent hump, you know what I’m talking about. A snappin’ pussy! But now, now “snapper” means any kind of pussy and they’ve named a lawn mower company after it! Now I have seen a few snappers in my day, never seen one that’ll cut grass! No, no, maybe do a little edging, a little edging along the driveway after a party, that’s all you can hope for. But you know, “weed whacker”, you can understand! Advertising Lullabye Now a lot of these company names and product names are influenced by marketing and advertising people and this next thing is about advertising. By the way, if you should have any cognitive dissonance about the fact that I do commercials for 10-10-220 and still attack advertising up here, well, you’re just gonna have to figure that shit out on your own okay? Now this is called “Advertising Lullaby”, keeping in mind of course that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep. Quality, value, styles, service, selection, convenience, economy savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation. Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking. No cash? No problem. No kidding, no fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments of interest till September. Limited time only though so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow 6 weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply Come on in for a free demonstration and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that’s just right for you and just right for your budget and say, don’t forget to pick up your free gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet pocket pencil sharpener… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”. And if you act now, we’ll include an extra added, free, complementary, bonus gift, a classic, deluxe, custom, designer, luxury, prestige, high quality, premium select, gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass, and garden hose, in a genuine, imitation, leather-style, carrying case with authentic vinyl trim… yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it’s our way of saying “thank you”. Actually, it’s our way of saying “bend over just a little bit farther so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper! Pbbt! You miserable, no-good, f*cking consumer asshole!” American Bullshit Cause you do know folks, living in this country, you’re bound to know that every time you’re exposed to advertising, you realize once again, that America’s leading industry, America’s most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit… high quality, grade-A, prime cut, pure American bullshit, and the sad part is is that most people seem to been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources; advertising, politics, salesmen… not true, bullshit is everywhere, bullshit is rampant, parents are full of shit, teachers are full of shit, clergymen are full of shit, and law enforcement people are full of shit. This entire country, this entire country is completely full of shit and always has been from the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution of the Star Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big, steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bullshit because think of how we started… think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us “all men are created equal”. Oh yeah… all men, except for Indians and Niggers and women right? Always like to use that authentic American language. This was a small group of unelected white male, land-holding, slave owners who also suggested their class be the only one allowed to vote. Now that is what’s known as being stunningly and embarrassingly full of shit. And I think Americans really show their ignorance when they say they want their politicians to be honest. What are these f*cking cretins talking about? If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse! No one would know what to do! Honesty would f*ck this country up! And I think deep down, Americans know that. That’s why the elected and re-elected Bill Clinton! Because the American people like their bullshit right out front where they can get a good strong whiff of it! Clinton might be full of shit but at least he lets you know it. Dolle tried to hide it didn’t he? Dolle kept saying “I’m a plain and honest man!” Bullshit! People don’t believe that! What did Clinton say? He said “Hi folks! I’m completely full of shit and how do you like that?” and the people said “You know something? At least he’s honest.” At least he’s honest about being completely full of shit. Businessmen This is just like the business world, same as business; everybody knows by now, all businessmen are completely full of shit; just the worst kind of low-life, criminal, cocksuckers, you could ever want to run into… a f*cking piece of shit businessman. And the proof of it is they don’t even trust each other! They don’t trust one another! When a businessman sits down and negotiates a deal, the first thing he does is to automatically assume that the other guy is a complete lying prick who’s trying to f*ck him out of his money! So he’s gotta do everything he can to f*ck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder… and he’s gotta do it with a big smile on his face. You know that big, bullshit, businessman smile? And if you’re a customer, whoa… that’s when you get the really big smile! Customers always get the really big smile as the businessman carefully positions himself directly behind the customer and unzips his pants and proceeds to service the account! “I’m servicing this account… this customer needs service.” Now you know what they mean when they say “we specialize in customer service”. Whoever coined the phrase “let the buyer beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole. That’s business. Religion But in the bullshit department, in the bullshit department, a businessman can’t hold a candle to a clergyman… cause I gotta tell you the truth folks, I gotta tell you the truth. When it comes to bullshit, big time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe, in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims… religion. No contest! No contest! Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it… religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day, and the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do! And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever till the end of time… but he loves you. He loves you and he NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow, just can’t handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story… holy shit! There is No God     But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know when it comes to believing in God, I really tried, I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God who created each of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things, I really tried to believe that but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize something is f*cked up. Something is wrong here… war, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these don’t belong on the résumé of a supreme being. This is the kind of shit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say “this guy” because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man; no woman could or would ever f*ck things up like this! So if, if there is a God, if there is, I think most reasonable people might agree that he’s at least incompetent and maybe, just maybe doesn’t give a shit. Doesn’t give a shit… which I admire in a person and which will explain a lot of these bad results. So rather than be just another mindless religious robot mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky, incompetent father figure who doesn’t give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship, something I can really count on, and immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that , overnight, I became a sun worshipper… well, not overnight, you can’t see the sun at night, the first thing the next morning, I became a sun worshipper. Several reasons… first of all, I can see the sun okay? Unlike some other Gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I’m big on that, if I can see something, I don’t know, kind of helps the credibility along you know? So every day, I can see the sun as it gives me everything I need… heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake… and occasional skin cancer but hey, at least there are no crucifixions and we’re not setting people on fire simply because they don’t agree with us. Sun worship is fairly simple. There’s no mysteries, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don’t have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I’m unworthy, doesn’t tell me I’m a bad person who needs to be saved, hasn’t said an unkind word, treats me fine. So I worship the sun but… I don’t pray to the sun. You know why? I wouldn’t presume on our friendship; it’s not polite. I often thought people treat God rather rudely, don’t you? Asking- trillions and trillions of prayers every day, asking and pleading and begging for favours, do this, give me that, I need a new car, want a better job, and most of this praying takes place on Sunday… his day off. It’s not nice, and it’s no way to treat a friend. But people do pray and they pray for a lot of different things… you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall, but most of all, you’d really like to f*ck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store… you know, the one with the eye patch and the clubbed foot? Huh? Can you pray for that? I think you’d have to. And I say fine, pray for anything you want, pray for anything but what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan… long time ago, God made a divine plan, gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice, and for billions and billions of years, the divine plan has been doing just fine, now you come along and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn’t in God’s divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn’t that seem a little arrogant? It’s a divine plan! What’s the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a $2 prayer book can come along and f*ck up your plan? And here’s something else, another problem you might have… suppose your prayers aren’t answered, what do you say? “Well it’s God’s will, thy will be done.” Fine, but if it’s God’s will and he’s gonna do what he wants to anyway, why the f*ck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn’t you just skip the praying part and go right to his will? It’s all very confusing. So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun but, as I said, I don’t pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons… first of all, I think he’s a good actor okay? To me, that counts. Second… he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn’t f*ck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years, I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbour with the barking dog… Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit! It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat! So I’ve been praying to Joe for about a year now, and I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers that I used to offer to God and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time, I get what I want, half the time, I don’t, same as God, 50-50, same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well, and the rabbit’s foot, same as the mojo man, same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat’s testicles, it’s all the same, 50-50, so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself. And for those of you who look to the Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might wanna look at “The Three Little Pigs”, that’s a good one, has a nice happy ending, I’m sure you’ll like that. Then there’s “Little Red Riding Hood”, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big, Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother, which I didn’t care for by the way. And finally, I’ve often always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from “Humpty Dumpty”. The part I like the best, “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men, couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again”. That’s because there is no Humpty Dumpty and there is no God, none, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I’m gonna put it this way… if there is a God, if there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened! Nothing happened! Everybody’s okay! All right? Tell you what… I’ll raise the stakes. I’ll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead! See? Nothing happened- oh, wait… got a little cramp in my leg… and my balls hurt… plus, I’m blind… I’m bli- oh, now I’m okay again… must’ve been Joe Pesci huh? God bless Joe Pesci! Thank you all very much! Joe blesses you! Thank you all very much! I appreciate it! Bye Bye!"
1686242970-416,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Bert Kreischer: Razzle Dazzle (2023) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bert-kreischer-razzle-dazzle-transcript/,"[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Bert Kreischer! [audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [audience continues cheering] [audience cheering and applauding] Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. You look beautiful, sir. [cheering continues] Thank you. Thank you. [man wolf-whistles] I look beautiful. Thank you, sir. [audience cheering] This is the skinniest fat I’ve ever been. [audience laughing and cheering] Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. [chuckles] I’m so fat, when I jog, my ass hairs tie in a knot. [audience laughing] Yeah. You don’t even know it’s happening. It’s really a treat. [audience laughing] Get in the shower, get a handful of soap, give yourself a little credit card action. [audience laughing] And you get denied. I’m talking rope, ladies. Ass cheek to ass cheek. Usually it comes free. Most hairy men and… some Italian women will tell you that. [audience laughing] You just put your finger on top until you’re free. Like when you sleep in a braid. Same thing. [audience laughing] One time, I was on vacation, and it wouldn’t come free. Like, I’m the shower tugging. And I’m panicking too, because I got to take a shit. [audience laughing] If we don’t do something, I’m gonna have a Play-Doh factory there. So I get out of the shower. I grab my pocket knife. I walk over to my wife. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “I need to know if you’re on my team or off my team.” [audience laughing] [thick Southern accent] She’s like, “I’m on your team.” [normal voice] My wife’s a redneck. I should have told you that. On our marriage application, in her hometown, third question: “Are you blood relatives?” [audience laughing] I go, “What do we put for three?” [Bert laughs] [audience laughs] The lady goes, “Well, is you?” [audience laughing] I go, “I don’t think we is.” [laughs] “Then put you ain’t.” “I’m not writing ‘ain’t.’ That means we is.” So… [audience laughing] I hand my wife the pocket knife, and I go, “We have a problem.” I turn around, show her the affected area. [audience laughing] And she says, “Why did you do that?” [audience laughing] Fantastic question, LeeAnn. You know… I figured, we’re on vacation. Lady by the pool’s like, “Braid your hair. Braid you hair.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t do this on purpose, fuck nut.” [audience laughing] “Now get to cutting, Sweeney Todd. I’m cresting down here.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “I ain’t doing that.” I was like, “Hate to break your heart, redneck. I think you is.” [audience laughs] “As a matter of fact, you’re the only person on this island that will be cutting these ass hairs.” [audience laughs] I can’t call the front desk and be like, “Send up a sure-handed boy.” [audience laughing] “Better yet, who does your hedges? I like his work.” [audience laughing] She goes, “No, I ain’t.” And she puts the knife down and turns on the hair dryer as if our conversation’s over. Oh, you want to play games? Let’s play fucking games. I grabbed the knife. I’m still naked, mind you. I sit down on the bed, facing her. Lay on my back, kick my feet in the air like a baby getting his diaper changed, and just go, “Wah!” “Baby’s got a knotty asshole!” [audience laughing] I didn’t even hear my daughters walk in the room. [audience howling] [audience laughing] All I heard was, “Oh my God, Dad’s vagina!” [audience laughing] Scared the shit outta me! [audience laughing] I hop up naked with a knife like I’m fighting two hookers for my wallet. [audience laughing] LeeAnn doesn’t even know what’s going on. She sees the commotion, cuts off the hair dryer, and goes, “Fine, give me the knife. I’ll cut your asshole.” [audience laughing] My daughters are shell-shocked. “What the fuck are you two doing?” [audience laughs] They storm out. I get in trouble. She goes, “You know, heads-up, you’re not supposed to show your daughters your dick.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Objection, Amber Heard. That’s not what happened.” [audience laughing] Yeah. Walk it back, sister. [audience] Oh! Yes. [audience cheering and applauding] First off, they didn’t just see my dick, okay? [audience laughs] That would have been a walk in the park. [audience laughs] They saw all of it. The trilogy. All three stories. Asshole, dick, and balls. The Middle East! [audience laughing] Secondly, I didn’t show them my dick. I wasn’t like, “Hey, girls…” [audience laughing] “You almost done your homework?” [audience laughing] “Cool. Meet me in the garage in 15. There’s something I want to show you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] They didn’t even see good dick either. That’s what bothered me. No, hang on. Hear me out. I’m not saying I want it to be rock-hard, but, like… [audience laughing] …pretty hard. You can’t send your daughters to college thinking their dad’s got the smallest dick. [audience laughing]     First time they get a guy and they’re like, “Now, that’s a cock.” “Shit!” “Yeah, my dad has a penis. That’s a cock.” “You could whip that out at a party. My dad’s got something you show a nurse.” [audience laughing] They saw belly dick. Just sitting there, defenseless, just… [audience laughing] Looks like a whale breaching. Just… [groans] [audience laughing] Can’t tell where it starts, but you know where it stops. [audience laughing] Looks like a little boy looking in a well. “What’s going on in here?” [audience laughing] What the fuck, I saw my dad naked. A lot. [audience laughing] A lot… One time, he got in the shower with me. I was taking too long. He had work. I was in ninth grade. [audience laughing] Yeah, I panicked and did the old Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs, just… [audience laughing] I saw my mom naked. Not a lot, but enough. [audience laughing] Enough that the first time I got a chick naked, I was like, “Where’s your C-section scar?” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] My wife’s honest with them. She’s honest, 100% honest all the time. The other night we’re at dinner. I’m three drinks in. The girls go, “You guys ever done drugs?” I’m like, “What are you, fucking cops?” [audience laughing] She just goes, “Yeah.” [audience laughs] “What the fuck you doing?” She goes, “You got to be honest with them girls.” “I smoked marijuana a couple of times.” “I didn’t like it very much.” “Made me throw up. Never smoked it again.” “But your daddy’s done cocaine.” I go, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “I don’t think they’re looking for recommendations, LeeAnn.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Go on, tell ’em. Go on, tell ’em. Tell ’em.” “Tell ’em the truth now.” I was like, “Okay, I tried cocaine… one time.” [audience laughing] “I didn’t like it very much.” [audience laughing] “It made me throw up. Never did it again.” [audience laughing] I hear her fucking laughing. She goes, “That’s a lie. Your daddy’s done cocaine a lot.” [audience laughing] “Well, your mom lost her virginity at 13. Go ahead, tell them that story. Yeah.” “Yeah. She’s a whore!” [Bert laughs] [audience laughing] And she just leans into me, she goes, “First of all, I was almost 14.” [audience laughing] “And shit, ain’t nothing to do in my hometown but fuck, fight, and race.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Who did I marry, Ricky Bobby?” [audience laughing] “Sorry I ain’t no prude like your daddy. Your daddy’s only been with six people.” “And he lost his virginity when he was 17.” I was like, “First, I’ve been with six women, not people.” [audience laughing] And 17’s a normal number. But they’ve already heard 13. Now they’re looking at me, like… [gasps] “Were you homeschooled, Dad?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Thirteen’s the fucked-up number in this story.” “Seventeen’s normal. I’m so sorry I wasn’t molested like your mother.” [audience laughing] I didn’t spend high school in the back of a pickup truck in a field all “Next!” [audience laughing] I fucking hate that I love this woman. [audience laughing] My buddy… My buddy sold his company, made a lot of money, and got rid of his old wife, upgraded. Twenty-seven years old. [scattered cheering] Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. He brought her to our house, showing her off. “She can’t read at all.” [audience laughing] That night, I get in bed with my wife. My old one. [audience laughing] Socks on under the covers. [audience laughing] Sweater on. Bifocals. Reading a magazine. Gotta lick that dead old dry finger to turn a page. [audience laughing] [laughing] I was drunk. [audience laughing] [Bert laughs] I leaned over… This is the relationship I have with my wife, okay? I just lean over, look at her, and go… “I wonder what I could upgrade to.” [audience laughing] [laughing] She looks at me and goes, “I’d like to see you fucking try.” [audience laughing] She’s all, “You wouldn’t know what to do with the floor model.” [audience laughs] New car smell with the push-button start. [imitates engine revving] I said, “Yeah, I’ve been working with the old beater too long.” Just… [imitates engine spluttering] You ever get your wife close to an orgasm and watch it just disappear? You get her right there… [engine cranking] [engine slowly revving] Then the cat jumps up on the bed. “Are we fucking this bitch?” [audience laughing] You’re like, “Goddamn it, Gus Gus, get the fuck out of here.” [audience laughing] Here, let me go. One, two, three. That’s how it’s done. Jesus, fuck! [audience laughing] [audience member cheers] I’m fast at sex. I’m so fast, one time I had an orgasm and she laughed. [audience laughing] She goes, “Shit, I don’t think you could’ve gotten AIDS from that one.” [audience laughing] Yeah. [laughs] She’s a bully. A fucking bully. She doesn’t give me a blowjob. Oh, no. She toys with me. Grabs my dick. Stares at me, just, “Oh.” [audience laughing] [moans] [audience laughing] [moans] “Oh, oh.” Is this thing on? [audience laughing] Do you know how soul-sucking it is to have to fake laugh to get your dick sucked? As a comedian… I told my buddy Tom this, he goes, “That would break my spirit.” He goes, “Know what I’d do if I was lucky to suck your cock?” I was like, “Please tell me.” [audience laughing] He said, “I’d respect the fact that you’re a comedian, and I would bring you original material every time.” [audience laughing] I said, “Like what?” He didn’t flinch. “I’d grab your dick, look you in the eyes, and go, ‘This week, on a very special episode of Man v. Food.'” [audience laughing] “‘One man takes one dick to the mouth until it explodes.'” [moaning] We cried laughing. [audience laughing] And then one month later, I’m in bed with my wife. She goes down to give me a blowjob. I completely forgot the conversation I had with Tom… [audience laughs] …until she… taps on my dick, and I start laughing hysterically. [audience laughing] She goes, “Finally, you get it.” I said, “What?” She goes, “Get the joke? It’s a microphone.” I said, “You thought I didn’t get the joke?” [audience laughing] She goes, “You don’t laugh.” I said, “Because it’s not fucking funny.” She goes, “Not funny, why are you laughing now?” I said, “I’m thinking about Tom.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] “He does this better than you.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] She’s turned my daughters into bullies. Yeah. We were watching a documentary the other night on Gandhi. All I said was, “I don’t get the whole hunger strike thing.” My daughter Georgia looks me up and down and goes, “No shit.” [audience laughing] They don’t call me Dad. They have nicknames, like “Chonk.” [audience laughing] Or “Fetus.” They call me “Fetus.” [audience laughing] They had a nickname they were calling me behind my back for two years. We’re at dinner one night. LeeAnn sends a text. Both the girls giggle. “Oh, good one, Mom.” [audience laughs] I said, “What is it?” They said, “You wouldn’t get it.” I said, “I’m the funniest motherfucker at this table.” [audience laughing] “My comedy’s paying for this dinner and those teeth. Run it by me.” [audience laughing] Ila’s like, “I don’t think you’d find it funny.” [giggles] So I go to the bathroom. I come back quick. I look over Ila’s shoulder. She’s slow. [audience laughing] What I see is a series of pictures of me, and the chat thread is titled, “Baby Walrus.” [audience laughing] My stomach drops. I sit down at the table. I go, “What the fuck is Baby Walrus?” They freeze. They’re like, “Oh, it’s not, ‘What’s Baby Walrus?'” [audience laughs] “It’s, ‘Who’s Baby Walrus?'” [audience laughing] I said, “Who the fuck is Baby Walrus?” Ila goes, “I think you know who Baby Walrus is.” Georgia goes, “Calm down, Dad.” “It’s just Mom thinks when you put on fancy clothes, you look like a baby walrus who’s trying to escape from the zoo.” [audience laughing] I looked at LeeAnn. She goes, “Calm down. You actually behave like a baby walrus.” I said, “No, I don’t.” And then the waitress came over. She goes, “Double Tito’s and soda, big glass, no lime?” I didn’t even think I did it. I went… [groaning] Ila pulls out here phone. “Baby Walrus loves vodka.” Click, click.     [audience laughing] I will destroy these women. [audience laughing] My daughters are dumb as fuck. We went camping one time. [audience laughing] Whole family goes camping. Middle of nowhere. Ten o’clock at night. Girls are roasting marshmallows. LeeAnn’s over by the tent, cleaning up. I’m drinking moonshine. Ten o’clock at night, we hear a gunshot ring out. Just… [imitates gunshot] We’re frozen. LeeAnn’s a redneck. She’s like, “Someone got their period,” or whatever. [audience laughing] [laughing] [audience continues laughing] [audience cheering] [Bert laughing] She’s not even this big of a redneck, but she hates this accent. [audience laughs] So it’s gonna get worse throughout the show. [audience laughing] It’s ten o’clock at night. We heard a gunshot. We’re fucking frozen. No one says a word for ten seconds. And then we hear another gunshot ring out. [imitates gunshot] My daughter Ila pulls her marshmallow out of the fire, looks at all of us very confidently, and goes, “Well… we know it’s not a suicide.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Thanks, Matlock.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Two gunshots, Dad.” “I follow your math there, big brain.” [audience laughing] This child will make you stupid by proxy. [audience laughing] We’re in the car one time. Georgia’s up front, I’m driving. Ila’s in the back seat. And we drive past a sign that says, “Deaf child.” And immediately I hear the think tank in the back start bubbling. [audience laughing] Ila just, to herself, goes, “Oh, well, that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I go, “Nope. No, it’s not. That’s… That’s not what racism looks like.” And Georgia goes, “Ila, they put that sign up so we know when we’re in this neighborhood we should lower our radios.” I’m like, “What the fuck?” [audience laughing] “No, finish this. I want to hear the end of this.” [audience laughing] She goes, “So we don’t rub it in that we can hear, right, Dad?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “No, that’s not… Shit, you’re dumber than she is.” “No. No.” “No, Georgia, that’s not why they have that.” “It’s so you know there’s a kid that may not hear your car coming, Georgia.” And then Ila leans up at the front and goes, “So are deaf kids like guns?” [audience laughs] “Do you have to register them with the state?” [audience laughing] I’m like, “What are you talking about?” She goes, “Well, Dad, how do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] And now I’m sitting in the front seat of this clown car, thinking sincerely to myself, “How do they know where to put those signs?” [audience laughing] You cannot put me and this child together. We’re bad news. [audience laughs] We’re dumb as fuck and we have impulse control problems. [audience laughing] We went to Georgia’s choir concert one time. Four hours long, just to set the scene. Four hours of choir. And LeeAnn doesn’t even sit in the room. She sits in the back and sells baked goods with friends and chitchats for hours. Meanwhile, Ila and I have to sit in the front row for four hours. She’s having a blast. Ila and I are getting fucked in the ass. [audience laughing] Two hours into this choir concert, choir teacher comes out and lets us know they’re auctioning use of the school snow machine to the highest bidder. Opening bid is $50, and I feel Ila shaking like a junkie next to me. [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong with you?” And she goes, “Fetus…” [audience laughing] “…we need that snow machine.” I’m like, “Uh, we’re getting that fucking snow machine.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Should I go out and ask Mom?” “Fuck that bitch. She’s not here.” [audience laughing] “I’m a parent also, Ila. I can make decisions too.” [audience laughing] She’s like, “Do we have $50?” I go, “Baby, without your mom in the room, we have stupid fucking money.” [audience laughing] “Watch and learn. I’m about to drop a big dick on this room.” [audience laughing] I stand up in the front row. Teacher gets excited. “Do I hear an opening bid of $50?” I said, “Honey, cut out the riffraff.” “Make it 500.” [audience cheers] Room goes crazy. I sit down. Ila’s shaking back and forth. “Ahh!” [audience laughing] I go, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You just dropped a big dick on the room, Dad!” [audience cheering and applauding] Laughter dies out. I hear one dad in the back still laughing. I’m like, “Shit, we got a problem.” [audience laughing] Ila’s like, “What is it?” “There’s another alcoholic dad here looking for action.” [audience laughing] “It’s gonna be a long night, baby.” Dude in the back just stands up quick, “550!” Whole room does that. “Oh!” Except for my daughter, who punches me in the leg and goes, “Stand up and be a man.” [audience laughing] “Tell him 600, Dad.” I said, “No, baby, that’s not how we’re gonna play it.” “Now’s when we hit him with the razzle dazzle.” [audience cheering] She… She goes, “What’s that?” I said, “You stand up, you say 600, then turn around and wink at him.” [audience laughs] Now she’s turned into a baby walrus. [groaning] She goes, “I can do that?” I go, “If you don’t, you sleep outside.” [audience laughing] This is what a thousand parents saw: a fifth grader in the front row stand up. In fairness, I didn’t know she was nervous. I also didn’t know the kid couldn’t fucking wink, okay? [audience laughing] [scoffs] Who the fuck can’t wink? [audience laughing] She turns around trembling. Finds her guy, goes, “$600!” And then proceeds to have a seizure… [audience laughing] …trying to eke out a wink. Just… [audience laughing] Sits down, she goes, “How did I do, Dad?” [audience laughs] I go, “You just dropped a big dick on that room.” [audience laughing] Old boy in the back is losing his fucking mind. He stands up, he goes, “Baby girl, $700.” I’m like, “Whoa, you coming after my daughter, bro?” [audience laughing] I stand up, stare him down, I go, “$800.” Ila stands up, “$900!” [audience laughing] [scattered applause and cheering] I’m like, “You’re bidding against me, you fucking moron.” [audience laughing] She’s ear to ear, “Hit him with the razzle dazzle, Dad!” [audience laughing] We won that snow machine for $1,800. [audience laughing and cheering] Yeah. [audience cheering and applauding]     Yeah. [applause continues] I got… I got in trouble. [audience laughing] I did. My behavior was… questionable. [audience laughing] I can’t tell if it’s… I can’t tell if it’s me or the fact that I live in L.A. Like, I think if I lived here, I’d be like a pretty normal dad. [audience cheering and applauding] Dare I say progressive. [laughs] [audience laughing] But in L.A., I’m a problem. I’ll… I’m gonna… Okay, I’m gonna tell you a story. But do not insert your politics into it, okay? Just listen to the story, enjoy it for what it is. Okay. [audience laughing] End of Ila’s fifth grade year, they throw a dance. They taught all the kids the foxtrot in fifth grade, right? Parents sit in the auditorium and we watch kids do the foxtrot on stage, go out, milk and cookies 8:30 in the morning, call it a day. Boom. We show up at eight o’clock. Kids aren’t on stage. Kids were in the auditorium. Teachers off to the side. She’s crying. Parents are irate. It’s a shitshow. Pull us outside as the parents. Teacher addresses the parents. “I…” [exhales] “All I can do is apologize.” “What I’ve done is horrific.” “And if you’ll allow me the opportunity to keep my job, I will do better.” In the back, I’m like, “Someone fucked a kid.” [audience laughing] I’m starting to loosen up to go high-five a fifth grader. [audience laughing] And she says… “Two weeks ago, in preparing for this dance, I assumed your children’s gender, and I paired them up boy, girl.” “Now, I understand what an egregious error I have made, and if you give me an opportunity, I will show you I’m not the monster you think I am.” Now, hold on. I want to say this real quick, just so we’re clear. I want every child in this world to feel 100% awesome 100% of the time. I’ll do what I can to make that happen, that is how I feel. [audience cheering and applauding] But it’s fifth grade, right? Like… [audience laughs] It’s 8:00 in the morning. We’re hungover. Let’s wrap it up. [audience laughs, cheers] I think we’re done, right? Cool? Forgiven. First parent stands up. She goes, “My name is Jennifer. Pronouns: she/her.” I’m like, “Oh, shit.” [audience laughing] “This isn’t gonna go well.” She goes… “Our household are strong allies.” “We have family members in the community, and I want you to know that I can hear that apology, but it is shallow.” “Actions speak louder than words, so if you do keep your job, you should do better.” And she sits down. Now, I don’t know if you know how this works, but the next parent has to out-liberal the first parent. [audience laughs] You can’t be like, “Eh,” because then you look like Alex Jones. “Frogs are gay. Hoo!” [audience laughing] And it goes around the horn. They light this bitch up left and right. And the teacher, God bless her, she’s taking it on the chin until it gets to me and LeeAnn. I’m like, “I’ll take this.” LeeAnn’s like, “Please don’t.” [audience laughing] I said, “Hi, my name’s Bert. I’m Ila’s, uh, parent.” [audience laughing] I said, “First off, it’s fifth grade.” “No one’s finger-fucking in the back of a Jetta tonight.” [audience laughing] It’s 8:30 in the morning. Everyone’s listening now, right? [audience laughing] I said, “As Ila’s parent, it goes without saying that I do not care if my child dances with a boy or dances with a girl.” “I will do everything in my power to love her and support her.” [audience cheers] Yeah. [audience cheering and applauding] “As long as it’s white.” Now… [audience laughing] How do you not go for the fucking joke? It’s right there! It’s right… It’s 8:00 in the morning. They didn’t see it coming. [audience laughing] The pronoun parents lost their fucking shit. [screams] LeeAnn hops up. [in thick Southern accent] “He’s a comedian! He’s a comedian!” [audience laughing] They’re like, “Listen to her accent. They’re racist!” Dude, I’ll tell you the worst one. The worst one, LeeAnn and I one time went to a wine tasting-slash-raffle. Tuesday night… On the way there, LeeAnn’s in the car. She’s driving. She’s like, “Let’s not get fucking wasted tonight.” I’m like, “Too late!” [audience laughing] ♪ I’ve been drinking in the shower ♪ [audience laughing] It’s a Tuesday night. I’m getting ripped. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I have a one-hitter in my pocket. It’s going down. [audience laughing] I get there. I’ve never been to a wine tasting. They don’t give you, like, big goblets. They give you these baby cups, like Michael Jackson’s about to eat our assholes. [audience laughing] I think that’s how he did it. I’m not sure. [audience laughing] So I bail on the tasting. Find the dads that party. Ten dads over by the stage. They’ve already bought all their wine. They’ve opened up the bottles and drinking like it’s Game of Thrones. [audience laughs] One dad’s in an Austin 3:16 shirt. I’m like, “That’s my fucking table.” [audience laughs] So I go over to them, chop it up. Work my way to the raffle towards the end of the night. My buddy Darren’s running the raffle. I go, “Yo…” “What you got in the pot?” He’s like, “I’ve only sold 40 tickets.” I said, “Oh, your prizes suck?” He goes, “No, I got 12 great prizes.” I said, “Bullshit. Why is no one buying tickets?” He goes, “The parents found out that the money for this raffle doesn’t go to our school, but an underprivileged school.” “They don’t want to chip in if their kids won’t benefit.” “They’d rather spend money on wine.” I’m like, “Are you fucking serious?” He goes, “I guess.” I said, “Okay.” “How many tickets do you want to sell?” He’s like, “Well, 700 is our goal.” I said, “Cool, put me in for 660.” He’s like, “For real?” I said, “Yeah, but close the raffle now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “If I do, you’re gonna win a lot of the prizes.” I go, “Darren, I want to win all of them.” [audience laughing] He goes, “If you do that, that’ll upset some parents.” I go, “It would break my heart if it didn’t.” [audience laughing] I go, “You want to make your money or not?” He goes, “I want to make that money.” I said, “Give me 660 tickets, close the raffle right now, and do not tell a soul.” [audience laughing] “What about LeeAnn?” “Definitely don’t tell her.” [audience laughing] This man took me to the back of a wine bar and started a giggle that lasted the entire evening as he peeled off… [audience laughing] …six hundred and sixty tickets. When he handed them to me, he was shaking like he was selling drugs in ninth grade. [audience laughing] I ripped off the first ticket and the last ticket. I said, “Darren, anything in between, you know I have.” [audience laughs] I have never been more excited for any event in my life. The birth of my children? [blows raspberry] [audience laughing] I picked the table furthest from the stage where they were calling the numbers and mapped out my parade route. [audience laughing] I had two tickets in my hand. LeeAnn came over. “You bought raffle tickets?” I go, “A couple.” [audience laughing] He called the first number. I practically leapt out of my shoes. I was like, “Oh, that’s me!” [audience laughing] I bumped into every parent on the way. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” [giggles] “No, I won. I have the winning ticket, I…” “There’s 12 prizes, and I won the first one!” “Bert Kreischer. Yes, that’s my name. I’m so sorry.” [audience laughs] I get to the stage, grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are there. They’re like, “What did you win, Bert?” I go, “It’s a Fitbit.” [giggles] “I’ll be tracking my steps tonight, boys.”     [audience laughing] Get back to the table, look at LeeAnn. I go, “Make some fucking room.” [audience laughing] He calls out the next number. I go, “Oh shit!” [audience laughing] “That’s me too!” I start to walk. My wife, unprovoked, stands up on the foot of her stool and announces to this wine bar, [in thick Southern accent] “My husband is the luckiest guy in the world!” [audience laughing] “Swear to God, I swear to God.” “I wouldn’t be shocked if he won all 12 prizes.” [audience laughing and applauding] I’m on stage now, like, “From her mouth to God’s ears.” [audience laughing] Grab my prize. Ten drunk dads are like, “What did you win?” “Don’t know, don’t fucking care.” [audience laughing] Get back to the center, I go, “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughs] He calls it, I look at LeeAnn, I go, “Bingo, bitch!” [audience laughing] The king is back! [audience cheering and applauding] [Bert laughs] [cheering and applause continues] Now I’m just staring at parents, going, “What did I win, Darren?” He is crying-laughing, and he goes, “Diamond earrings.” [audience laughing] I go, “Well, pierce my ears and call me Kaitlyn.” [audience cheering and laughing] I’m on stage putting diamonds in my high school holes… [audience laughing] …when I see the energy of the room shift. It’s starting in the back with a circle of people around the principal, who yells out, “Check his tickets!” I yell back, “Mind your own business!” [audience laughing] She does not like that. And now she storms the stage. “I see three prizes but only two tickets.” “I want to see his tickets.” Darren Turbow is laughing way too hard to do anything. And I watch the energy of the room halt. The dudes in the kitchen, they’re not cooking anymore. They’re looking out that little sliver of a window, just… The bartender who was making a drink audibly slows down, just… [imitates shaker slowing down] [audience laughing] The ten drunk dads who trusted me now are looking at me like I let them down. [audience laughing] The way a child looks at his sports hero and goes, “Say it ain’t so, OJ.” [audience laughing] [scattered applause] I let that energy breathe… [audience laughing] …as I reached into my pockets, grabbed onto 658 tickets like they were a hot rattlesnake, threw them in the air and went, “Read ’em and weep, motherfuckers!” [audience laughing, cheering, and applauding] The room went fucking bananas. Ten drunk dads pounding on the table. “Let’s fucking go!” [audience laughs] The principal is livid. I look at LeeAnn. She is not laughing. [audience laughing] Principal sees this, makes a beeline to my wife, gets in her face and goes, “You need to make him stop right now.” [audience laughs] My wife doesn’t even miss a beat. Takes a breath and goes… [inhales] “Sugar, he hasn’t even started.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh. “Honey, honey, there’s nine more prizes and his shirt’s still on.” “It’s gonna get way worse.” [audience laughs and cheers] Then my wife kills her glass of red wine, looks at the stage and goes… [in Southern accent] “Call the next fucking number, Darren.” [audience laughing] Prize number four, my shirt came off. [audience laughs and cheers] Prize number five, Steve Austin’s shirt came off. [audience laughing] Prize number six, a mom unwittingly in the back said just a little too loud, “Who the fuck is this guy?” [audience laughs] To which the bartender replied, “He’s the fucking machine!” [audience cheering and applauding] [Bert laughs] [Bert laughing] [cheering and applause continues] By prize 11, the room was polarized. [audience laughing] You either absolutely loved what was going on, like the ten drunk dads and the bartender… [audience laughing] …or you hated it. And if you hated it, you were now surrounding the stage protesting the raffle. [audience laughing] These Capitol stormers… [audience laughing] [audience cheers] …were unhappy with the outcome of their day, and took it upon… Look, when he called prize 12, I knew what I had to do. I had to hit him with the “suck it.” Just… [grunts] [man in audience] Suck it! Twenty of them, just around the horns. Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck! [audience laughing] I was ready. It was my job. And as he called the number, I go to hit the first “Suck it” and realize I don’t have that ticket. [audience laughing] Oh, you think you were upset? Ten drunks dads are pounding on the table going, “Recount! Recount!” [audience laughing] The people that hated me were mocking me at the top of their lungs. They’re like, “That’s what you get, fat boy!” “Put your shirt on, loser! You’re a loser!” They were so loud, I could barely hear my wife in the back go, “Oh, that’s me!” [audience laughing, cheering, and applauding] We won all 12 prizes. [audience laughing and cheering] And then I spent the rest of the night drunk, shirtless with my ears pierced… [audience laughing] …holding 11 prizes, walking up to parents, going, “What did you guys win?” [audience laughing] “Oh, I won everything. I totally forgot.” [audience laughing] The best part of that story, in my opinion, is that LeeAnn got it. That she got the… She doesn’t always get the joke, you know? Like, some things just… [audience laughing] January 2020. I’m on a flight with my wife to Burlington, Vermont. We get a text from my buddy, Tom Segura. Now… yes, yeah. [audience cheering] If you do not know who that is, he’s a stand-up comedian who cannot do… that. So… [audience laughing] That simple act. [audience cheering] That little act will make this leg explode. [audience laughs] And this arm will break in half right here and spin in circles. Crazy. Crazy. Big racist. Now he said… [audience laughing] Yeah, yeah. Big fan of Nazis. Anyway… Tom sends me and LeeAnn a text, a group text, and it says, “Hey, I don’t know if you guys have heard about this new virus called the coronavirus, but it’s a real thing, and I just read an article in the L.A. Times.” “There’s been an outbreak in your neighborhood.” “Here’s a link to the article. You might want to check it out.” This is January 2020. I’m in a panic. I have heard of it, but in our neighborhood? So I clicked the link. I don’t know if you got this. [audience laughing] But it wasn’t an article. [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] It was a picture of a Black man… [audience laughing] …naked on the side of a bed, just… [audience laughing and applauding] [audience cheering and applauding] I open the link, see the picture, I laugh. It’s funny, right? [audience laughs] I finish my double Jack on the rocks, lots of rocks. [audience laughs] I pass out. I wake up in Burlington, Vermont to my wife in a tizzy. We’re on the tarmac and she goes, “Did you get that text from Tommy?” [audience laughs] I said, “Yeah, I did.” [audience laughs] She goes, “Fucking terrifying.” [audience laughing] I said, “I wouldn’t say that. I think that’s racist.” [audience laughing] I mean, it’s more than I could fit, but yeah. [audience laughing] She goes, “No, it’s in our neighborhood.” [audience laughing] I go, “Did you click the link?” She goes, “No, I didn’t have time.” “Flight attendant made me put my phone away.” I said, “You have to click the link.” [audience laughing] She goes, “Is it bad?” I said, “Worse than you think.” [audience laughing] [Bert laughing] And I watched this woman click that link. And the picture of that man… His name’s Wood, fittingly. [audience laughs] …comes up, and I watch her just see it, and she goes, “Oh no!” And swipes out. My wife doesn’t like looking at big cocks. So… [audience laughing] Thankfully. She looks at me, confused. Now, I’m just chuckling. [audience laughing] She clicks the link again. [audience laughing] Must have been user error, right? [audience laughing] Same picture shows up, only this time I watch her attempt to scroll… [audience laughing] …as if she’s gonna find an article attached to that picture. [audience laughing] Finds no such article. Swipes out. Clicks the link a third fucking time. [audience laughing] I am now crying-laughing. And she goes, “I don’t know what’s so funny. My phone’s broken.” [audience laughing] I said, “It’s a joke.” She goes, “What?” I said, “What do you mean, ‘What’?” “It’s a picture.” “You thought you’d read an article, now you’re looking at this cock.” “It’s a joke.” [audience laughing] She goes, “That’s not funny.” [audience laughing] I said, “I disagree.” [audience laughing] I watched you open it three times. It got funnier and funnier. [audience laughing] Her face goes white and she goes, “No, that’s not funny.” “I sent that to all the moms at Georgia’s school.” [audience laughing] I go, “You’re right, that’s not funny. That’s fucking epic!” [audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] I grab her phone and read the replies from the moms. The best were the cool moms who were like, “I hope that doesn’t hit my house.” [audience laughing] One mom was like, “My ninth grader is not ready for that.” [audience laughs] Our friend Lynn Gruson wrote back, “Are you sure that’s the coronavirus?” “I think I had that in college.” [audience laughing] And then she goes even paler and she goes, “I sent that to our girls.” [audience laughing] I called Georgia, I go, “George, Mom sent you a link to an article.” “Did you see it?” She goes, “Dad, I can’t unsee it.” [audience laughing] “I was at softball practice. I opened it in front of the coach.” [audience laughing] I was like, “What did Coach say?” [audience laughs] “Coach said we need to get one for batting practice.” [laughs] [audience laughing] I go, “What about your sister?” She throws Ila the phone. I go, “Ila, Mom sent you a link. Did you see it?” She goes, “I did.” [audience laughing] I said, “What did you think?” She goes, “Interesting article.” [audience laughing] My daughters have the most fucked-up sense of humor. [audience laughing] For Georgia’s birthday one year, she gets a psychic. She’s gonna tell her and all her friends about their past lives, right? The lady comes to the house. She’s 100 years old. Sits down across from Georgia and her friends. Ila and I are at the end. She goes, “Okay, who’s the birthday girl?” Ila hits me and goes, “One hell of a psychic, Dad.” [Bert laughing] [audience laughing] [Bert snorts] Georgia’s like, “I am, I am!” She puts her palm out and the lady goes, “Okay…” “In a past life, you were a general in a great war.” “You were responsible for the death of 257 men.” “Those men’s souls will haunt you until the day you die.” Ila’s next to me. She just goes… ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ [Bert laughing] [audience laughing] The best one, from one of Georgia’s birthdays. Both the girls pull me aside, “Hey, Dad.” “We want to go to an escape room.” I’m like, “Both you geniuses?” [audience laughing] “You guys gonna put all 80 IQ points together and see what happens in a room?” Shut the fuck up! [laughs] They’re like, “We want you to go too.” I go, “You want to add drugs and alcohol? Okay.” [audience laughing] “Good call.” They go, “No, you and Papa.” I go, “I’m gonna stop you right there.” [audience laughs] “Uh, me and my dad don’t work well together as a team.” “Okay, ladies? It’s not gonna end well. It’s gonna end horrifically.” And they both are looking at me, and they go, “Yeah, we know.” [audience laughing] I said, “What?” Georgia goes, “That’s what I want for my birthday.” [audience laughing]     “I want to see Papa lose his shit and you have a panic attack.” [audience laughing] I was like, “All right, he’s cheap. I’ll call him.” [audience laughing] So I call my dad. My dad is 75 years old. Lives in Tampa. Losing his hearing. I go, “Hey, Dad. When you guys are out in L.A., the girls want to go to an escape room.” He goes, “Rape room?” [audience laughing] I go, “Yeah, Dad, that’s what they want.” [audience laughing] “They want to go get raped together. All of us.” [audience laughs] “And then after we’ve all been raped, we want to go to The Cheesecake Factory.” [audience laughing] I go, “No, Dad, an escape room.” And he goes, “Escape room? What the fuck’s an escape room?” And I hear my mom in their kitchen, going, “Yes! We’re going!” “I saw about this on the internet. We’re going!” “I’ve always wondered how I’d fare in a kidnapping.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Pump your brakes. We’re not going.” “What the fuck is an escape room?” And my mom’s like, “They grab you, they throw you in a van.” I’m like, “Don’t listen to Mom, Dad.” [audience laughing] I go, “Dad, it’s a room where we pay these kids 200 bucks.” “They lock us in the room, and we gotta figure out how to get out.” And he’s quiet on the phone for a second, then he goes, “Give me 50 bucks. I’ll lock your kids in a car.” [audience laughing] [Bert chuckles] My mom snatches the phone away and goes, “Tell my granddaughters we’re going.” “They can count on us.” “Are we supposed to wear leather?” I’m like, “Easy, Mom.” [audience laughing] So we go. Me, my wife, my parents, my daughters. We all go. Now, here’s where it starts to veer wrong. As we start driving, you know how escape rooms normally happen in, like, a mall? This was in a dude’s house. [audience laughing] He had converted every room in his house into an escape room, much like John Wayne Gacy. [audience laughing] We pull into the neighborhood. My dad’s like, “No fucking way.” [audience laughing] Georgia’s like, “Pop, I heard it’s really scary.” He goes, “I’m shitting my pants now, ladies.” We see a house painted all black, no landscaping. LeeAnn’s like, “I think that’s it.” My dad’s like, “Keep fucking going.” [audience laughing] Get out, go up to the door, knock on the door. Dude’s already in character. Oh. Dude, it’s L.A. This guy’s good. Silk robe, towel around his head, stroking a kitty cat. And he just goes… “Have you seen my mother?” My dad grabs my hand, he goes, “What the fuck did he just say?” [audience laughing] I go, “He’s looking for his mother.” He goes, “Tell him his mother can suck my dick.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Is this real? Is this real?” I go, “It’s part of the escape room. Play along.” He goes, “Would you like to see a tour of my house?” And my mom’s, “Yes, we would love to see a tour.” “What’s your mom’s name? How old is she? Where’d she go to college? Take notes.” So we go on a tour of the house. The women are into it. And my dad is picking this guy apart left and right. He’s like… [sniffs] “He smells like shit.” [audience laughing] “Buddy, I think he fucking lives here. I think he lives…” “What kind of fucking lunatic lives where every room is an…” “He was just eating lunch.” “He’s eating mac and cheese with coffee. Who the fuck drinks coffee…” “Black coffee with mac and cheese? He’s got IBS, I guarantee you.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “I don’t think these are helpful clues, Dad.” [laughs] The guy comes in. “Like to see Mother’s room?” My dad goes, “Absolutely fucking not.” [audience laughs] My mom’s like, “Yes, we want to see.” He’s like, “Mother doesn’t allow car keys, cell phones, or wallets, so empty your pockets and put them on the kitchen table.” And like sheep, we’re like, “Okay.” [audience laughing] We empty our pockets. Walk into the room. And the second I step into the room, I feel the door shut and lock behind me. And I have a panic attack. [audience laughing] The first thing I think is, he didn’t ask our names. [audience laughing] We didn’t give him a credit card. [audience laughing] We didn’t fill out a waiver. [audience laughing] We didn’t even really check the address. [audience laughing] We just saw one sketchy house in a neighborhood, knocked on the door, he presented a problem, and we’re like, “The Scooby-Doo gang will figure it out.” [audience laughing] Now we’re locked in this fucking house. My dad’s next to me going, “Tell me where I steer wrong in this story.” [audience laughs] “Did you just walk your family into a serial killer’s house?” [audience laughs] Georgia goes, “Papa, isn’t this scary?” He goes, “You have no fucking idea.” [audience laughing] “You two are getting sold to the goddamn Albanians tonight.” [audience laughing] “You’ll be working in a Chechen whorehouse the rest of your lives.” Ila’s like, “Papa, how do we get out of here?” He goes, “I think I have to suck that guy’s dick.” [audience laughing] “Someone’s sucking his dick. I nominate your shithead dad.” [audience laughing] My mom’s in the corner, “You think he’s gonna tie us up?” My dad’s like, “Shut the fuck up, Maggie!” [audience laughs] “Your shithead son just walked us into a serial killer’s house who smells like shit.” “Did anyone smell this guy?” “Maybe it’s because he eats mac and cheese and coffee all fucking day.” Guy’s like, “Sir, I can hear you.” [audience laughing] Now I’m having a full-blown anxiety attack, and for me, they happen in my stomach, and I have to shit immediately. [audience laughing] I’m looking around the room for a vase or something to shit in. [audience laughs] My dad knows me way too well. He goes, “Oh fucking no, you don’t!” “It’s tennis camp all over again. He’s gonna shit in the houseplant.” “Goddamn it, this fucking shithead walks us into a serial killer’s house, and now he’s gonna shit in his mom’s room?” [audience laughing] My daughters are skipping, they’re so excited. [audience laughs] My wife is a fucking savage. She saw four clues by herself. [audience laughing] Pulls a lever under the desk. House lights drop out. We hear two screams and a thud. Lights click back on. I’m holding both my daughters like a human shield. [audience laughing] My mother’s on the floor in a steamer trunk. “Your father threw me into the wall!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Fuck her, she’s a liar. She tripped.” [audience laughing] Guy’s like, “I saw it. He threw her into the wall.” [audience laughing] LeeAnn solves two more clues and a trapdoor opens up out of the wall, exposing a crawl space two feet tall by three feet wide, down the length of the wall into another room. My mom sticks her head in. Pops out and goes… [gasps, chuckles] “I think we should all get in the wall.” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “You first.” [audience laughing] She gets in the wall, he goes, “Fuck her, she’s dead to us.” [audience laughing] “Good riddance. We didn’t need her.” LeeAnn gets in the wall and he goes, “There goes the brains of the operation!” “I’m stuck with you three shitheads. Get in the fucking wall.” I go, “I’m not getting in the wall, Dad.” Georgia goes, “Make Dad get in the wall.” I go, “Georgia, I’m claustrophobic.” Ila’s like, “What’s Christmas have to do with this, Dad?” “Shut the fuck up, Ila!” [audience laughing] My dad’s like, “Buddy, I got bad news for you.” “You’re getting in that fucking wall.” [audience laughs] He goes, “Girls, you get in first. Big guy, I will be behind you.” “You close your eyes. Listen to my voice.” “I’ll coach you through the wall, and trust me, if you freeze up, I will bulldoze your ass through that fucking wall.” [audience laughing] “Now, let’s fucking go.” And we get in the wall. My daughters, me, my dad. I listened to his voice, like when I was a kid and played baseball. “We got this, big guy.” “We can do anything.” “Listen to my voice. We can do this. Me and you. Big team.” Now… [audience laughing] …I don’t know if it was… the angle of my body… [audience laughing] …the anxiety… that was resting in my stomach… or shimmying on all fours… [audience laughing] …but I let out a novel virus fart, like… [audience laughing] The kind that come out of your ass like hot breath, just… [moans] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that escape your body like a curse out of a mummy’s sarcophagus, just… [hissing] [audience laughing] The kind of farts that burn your asshole. Just the fart, the air burns your asshole. And you think to yourself, “That was air. I’m gonna be shitting blood later.” [audience laughing] And I release it into my father’s mouth human centipede-style. [audience laughing] He goes from coach to cunt real quick. Just, “We got this, big guy!” “We can… We can…” [groans] [audience laughing] “Oh fuck, keep going.” [groans] “We can do any… [groans] What the fuck?!” “I think we rolled up on a dead animal.” [groans] [audience laughing] “I think it’s asbestos.” [groans] “It’s burning my eyes! Keep moving.” [groans] “I feel like I’m in the tunnel from Shawshank Redemption.” “Why aren’t you moving?” [groans] “It’s in my skin!” “It’s burning my clo…” [groans] “Move, asshole!” I turned around, I go, “I can’t. I think I’m gonna shit.” He goes, “You did this?!” [audience laughing] “You did this?! I think you gave me cancer!” [audience laughing] [groans] “I can taste it in my molars! Keep moving!” [audience laughing] [groans] My daughters come flying out of that wall the happiest they’ve ever fucking been. [audience laughing] Go right up to my mom and they go, “Nana, it’s happening.” [audience laughing] I come out of the wall, I’m like, “Nana, big guy’s unhappy.” [audience laughing] My dad comes out of that wall like Saddam Hussein out of a spider hole. [audience laughing] “Cocksucker! Motherfucker!” “God! You’re going to a fucking doctor!” [audience laughing] “That is not healthy. That is not…” “He shits like your side of the family, Maggie.” “You need a colonoscopy. You need a colonoscopy.” “That’s what’s wrong. I’m telling you. Where the fuck’s your goddamn wife?” [audience laughing] LeeAnn comes out of the rafters of the ceiling… [audience laughing] …and is like, “I think I solved the escape room, Albert.” [audience laughs] “Try one of the doors.” He goes, “The fuck I will!” [audience laughs] Grabs the first handle of three on the wall, and it doesn’t move, it’s just locked. [imitates rattle] My daughters now have crossed their legs. They’re about to piss their pants. He is at a level nine. “Motherfucker!” [audience laughs] Grabs the next door. Nothing. “Cocksucker!” Grabs the third door, and as it flies open, he turns his back to the door, looks at us and goes, “Fucking finally!” [audience laughing] He doesn’t see what we see… [audience laughing] which is a 90-year-old woman in her nightgown in a closet. She’s been in this closet for 45 minutes. [audience laughing] I don’t know who’s more scared, her or us. [audience laughing] She’s trying to adjust her eyes to the light and remember her line. And she just goes… [yelling] My dad shuts the door… [audience laughing] …puts his heel on it, and he’s like, “Everybody, back in the fucking wall!” [audience laughing] My girls are now on the fucking floor. Georgia looks at me and goes, “This is better than I thought it could have ever been!” [audience laughing] My dad looks at me and he goes, “What the fuck are they talking about?” I go, “Dad, you’re not gonna be happy when you hear this.” [audience laughing] “But the only reason they wanted you to come… is for this right now.” [audience laughing] He goes, “To solve the escape room?” I go, “No, to watch you lose your shit.” [audience laughing] He’s still standing there, heel on the door. Looks around the room like he’s trying to find someone to love. [audience laughing] Lands on my daughters and he goes, “You wanted this?” [audience laughs] “This is what you wanted.” Looks at his watch and he goes, “My Apple Watch says my heart rate’s 154.” [audience laughing] “I’m 75 years old, ladies.” [audience laughing] “I’m on nine different medications.” “I got high blood pressure, high cholesterol.” “Your father just shit in my mouth!” [audience laughs] “And we got the old lady from Titanic locked in a fucking closet!” [audience laughing] “And this is what you wanted?” Ila looks at Georgia and goes… ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] Omaha! [rock music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [cheering and applause continues] [rock music continues] [audience cheering] [rock music continues]"
1686241470-43,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,GEORGE CARLIN: CARLIN ON CAMPUS (1984) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-carlin-campus-1984-full-transcript/,"[School bell] Welcome to the home of the class clown, the theater of suppressed laughter. When you were in school, did you notice that simply because you weren’t allowed to laugh, it made the laughing that much better. That there was something about trying to hold it in that made you laugh even harder. And it wasn’t just in school, church was the same way. In fact, church was even better because in church, there was the additional possibility of perhaps being stricken dead by an angry God. Well, Catholic schools combined the two things, religion and the classroom, an extra challenge for the resourceful class clown. Now, class clowns probably had a lot of reasons for doing what they did, but for my part, I always enjoyed getting laughs because usually the person who laughed was the one who got in trouble. I could whip a quick face on Roger, hey Roger, and then Roger would be suddenly leaving the classroom, accused of having no self-control. Hey, I figured if I’m not gonna get an education, why should anybody else. Probably the best attention getter of all was the old reliable artificial fart under the arm. It wasn’t really a special skill, lots of people could do it, but class clowns could do it a little quicker, and a little louder. And who else but the class clown would have his shirt specially made for easy access. No fumbling, no missed opportunities, just reach in and squeeze off a few. I don’t care, I’m glad she kicked me out, I didn’t wanna be in there anyway. Now I can go where I always wanted to go, where I really belong. Hey there, how are you? Howdy. Thank you very much. How are you? Hello, over there, everybody. Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy. Nice to see you all. Hello. Hello there, thank you, thank you. Nice of you. Thanks a lot, thank you. Seem like you’re ready for some fun. Yeah. Well, you know, they say blondes have more fun. Unfortunately, they also have more VD. Just kind of goes with the territory, you know? I’ll tell you something else, between herpes and AIDS, I don’t care if I ever get laid again as long as I live. And I’m certainly not gonna be humping any Haitian hemophiliac homosexual heroin addicts. Tell you one good thing about herpes though, finally the people from Brooklyn have a disease they can mispronounce. Herpes. That’s the first one they’ve had like that since, uh, tuberculosis. They gave me something here to, uh, bring to your attention. This is, oh, I see, a message from the National Pancake Institute, and it says, “fuck waffles.” Something you might wanna keep in mind when you drop into Denny’s a little later in the evening. Actually, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d like to begin the show with a prayer. Uh, I’m not too sure about prayer in school, but I definitely believe in prayer in comedy. Some nights it’s absolutely necessary. So this is a little prayer I wrote myself. I don’t mean I wrote it to myself, I mean me, myself personally, I wrote the goddamn prayer. And it’s dedicated to the separation of church and state. “Our Father who art in heaven, and to the Republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible, as it is in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. And crown thy good into temptation, but deliver us from the twilight, amen.” Just a little way to start. I don’t believe you’re supposed to cheer a prayer, but we do still have time for a quick Hail Mary. Hail Mary! Not quite that quick, sir. Those of you who are Catholic will recognize the quick Hail Mary. “Hail Mary full of our death, amen.” Actually, there’s a quicker version… “H-amen.” That’s the one you say when you’re falling from a truck. And now, God, my requests, I always save my requests for after the formal prayers, don’t you? Sets him up. Please God, let me do a good show tonight. Don’t let me be an asshole. Don’t let anyone yell, too late… Too late. – And punish those who do. Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room, don’t let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a French tickler and a space helmet, don’t let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus, and don’t let me be hit by a flying turd. Help me find some shoes I really like, help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership. Don’t let me catch VD from a female welder, don’t let me catch VD from a male welder. Give Barry Manilow a boil on his ass. And if it’s at all possible, God, please try to make all of our sex organs even larger than you did the first time. Well, I always like to throw in one request that everyone else can get in on, too, you know? So I say live and let live, that’s my motto, live and let live. Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family. Just had, uh, just, you know, it’s weird, just had that little feeling, you ever get that funny little, that kind of feeling, that vuja de? You know, not deja vu, this is vuja de. This is the strange feeling that somehow none of this has ever happened before. And then it’s gone, you know? By the way, ladies and gentlemen, this is our 200th show in a series of 114, and is dedicated to the St. Louis Home For The Totally Fucked. All proceeds from the show will be going to help fight a terrible affliction, frothing at the crotch. Well, it was either that or inverted nipples, you know? Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever tried to fart and blow your nose at the same time? You can’t do them together, can you? It’s like you’re afraid you’ll lose complete control and wind up cleaning far more of the house than you had intended. Yeah, I got little things over here. This is my office over here. You notice that? It’s gotta be my office, right? Sure, if that’s my job, it’s gotta be my office. Looks like a office to me. Got the water cooler here. That’s the first thing I always looked for when I worked in an office, you know, the water cooler, little place to hang out in between periods of making believe I was working. Actually, it’s just a little place for my stuff, you gotta have that, you gotta have a little place to put your stuff during the day, during the evening, whatever it is, don’t ya? Sure. Everybody’s gotta have a little place for their stuff, that’s all life is about. That’s the meaning of life, trying to find a place to keep your stuff. That’s all your house is, think of it, that’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff. If you didn’t have so much goddamn stuff, you wouldn’t need a house. You could just walk around all the time. That’s all your house is, it’s a pile of stuff with a cover on it. That’s all your house is, it’s a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. Sometimes you gotta move, sometimes you gotta move, you gotta get a bigger house. Why? Too much stuff. Now, sometimes you go on vacation, you gotta bring some of your stuff with you. You can’t take all your stuff, just the stuff you really like, the stuff that fits you good that month. You gotta take a smaller version of your stuff. Say you’re gonna go to Honolulu for two weeks, two weeks in Honolulu, you gotta take two big bags of stuff. You get to Honolulu, you fly halfway across an ocean, and you get to Honolulu, get in the hotel room and you put away your stuff, that’s the first thing you do in a hotel room is put away your stuff. I’ll put some stuff here, I’ll put some stuff there, you put your stuff over there, I’ll put my stuff over here. Here’s another place to put some stuff. Here’s another place over here. Hey, we got more places than we got stuff. We’re gonna have to buy more stuff. But you put your stuff away, and you know that you’re a long way from home, and you don’t quite feel 100 percent at home, but you know that you must be okay because you do have some of your stuff with you. And you begin to relax, you know, I feel okay, hey. That’s when your friend from Maui calls up, says hey, why don’t you come over to Maui for the weekend, spend a couple of nights over here. Oh, shit, now what do I bring? Can’t bring all this stuff. Right, you’ve gotta bring an even smaller version of your stuff, just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui. And you go over to Maui, and you’re really spread out now, you’ve got shit all over the world. You’ve got stuff in the mainland, stuff in Honolulu, you got stuff with you, supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain. But you get over there to Maui and they give you a little place to sleep, you know, a little window sill and you put your stuff, because you don’t have much stuff now, on the window sill. You put your favorite stuff, your jumbo size Visine, your trim nail clippers, your odor eaters 45-day guarantee, and your Afrin 12-hour decongestant nasal spray. And you begin to relax, you know? That’s when your friend says, hey, I think tonight we’ll go over to the other side of the island, visit my friend, maybe stay over. Oh, shit. Now what do you bring? Well, now you just bring the things you know you’re gonna need: Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter, hankie, pens, cigarettes, contraceptives, Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles, dildoes and a book. Maybe a little dental floss, depending on who’s on the other side of the island. It’s-no-bullshit. The Curran Family of Boston, Massachusetts had to leave their dog, Ma Barker, behind when they moved across the country to Seattle. Two weeks after they arrived at their new home, the dog showed up in Dallas, Texas. By mistake, she had taken Interstate 44 out of St. Louis. It’s-no-bullshit. In Alton, Illinois, a farmer named Cliff Miller found an ear of corn with a hearing aid growing out of it. It’s-no-bullshit. The Zomoro Tribe in Central Africa is slowly dying out because at 13 years of age, they initiate their young by putting them to death. It’s-no-bullshit. Empress Minutia of Ancient Sumetria ruled for 71 years without once going to the bathroom. She believed the devil lived in the toilet. It’s amazing, it’s astounding, but it’s-no-bullshit. Sure, sure, what are you crazy, hey, get out of here. Sometimes I go like this. And then I wonder why. Have you noticed that mice have no shoulders at all? You put a necklace on a mouse, it goes right down to his waist. They think it’s a belt, what do they know, they’re fucking mice, you know? Have you ever owned one of those little dogs, you know? One of those over-bred dogs. One of those dogs that just shakes and pisses all the time? And you have to take him out for a pull, come on, you, come on, you asshole. Those little dogs, you know what they do? Just before they take a shit they go like this. I get out of the way, you know, whoa, look out. Get behind a tree, hold the leash, you know? I had a little dog named Tippy who, uh… well, it’s just one of the dogs I had in my life. That’s what’s great about dogs, they don’t live too long and you can go and get another one. But Tippy was great and so nice, and one time, one time I fed Tippy Cracker Jacks, cause that’s what I was having. Hey, it sounded like a good meal to me, you know? Cracker Jacks and tap water. She ate about a box and a half of Cracker Jack, and the next day I took her for a walk, she took a Cracker Jack. Cracker Jack was coming out of my dog. I was waiting for the surprise, hoping it wasn’t a whistle or a bird call. There’s certain basic hygiene that you simply have to follow, you know? A lot of your comedians, they come out and all they’re trying to do is tell jokes. Bullshit. I try and have a little helpful stuff. Consumer hints, you might call them. I’m a bit of a consumer advocate, you know? I care about those things. What you gotta do in the marketplace to stay alive. I mean, not just getting ripped off, but you gotta be a defensive shopper now. Tylenol is what started me on this whole thing. Is that a Tylenol? Whoa, goddamn, that was cyanide they were putting in there. You know, hey, shit, I’d rather have a headache. To me I figure, hey, maybe the headache will go away. That cyanide shit hangs on. I certainly hope those people don’t get to the Preparation H real soon, I’ll tell you that. Hey, that’s all it takes is one Crazy Glue freak, you know what I mean? That’s right. The whole society would come to a halt, believe me. Do you realize that Ex Lax is really just old bad chocolate that gives you the runs? A lot of people aren’t aware of this stuff. Let me ask you a breakfast question, what wine goes with Captain Crunch? I have trouble selecting a wine in the mornings. Sometimes I give up all together and smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops and go on back to bed, you know? Yeah! Smoke a bong full of Fruit Loops, go back to bed and watch the Midmorning Movie. Call into work, call into work around 11:00 o’clock, tell the boss you smoked some Fruit Loops and you’re watching a movie, and you’ll be in around 2:00 o’clock if you feel like it.
 That’s the way you gotta treat the boss, you can’t take shit from a guy just because you work for him. Let him know who the real boss is, tell him it’s your job. Hey, it’s my job, I’ll do it my way! That’s what they like, snappy answers. Even if you’re just going in for a job interview, let him know what kind of a guy you are, have a beer can opener and a bunch of swizzle sticks sticking out of your pocket up here. Let him know you consider partying to be sort of a career of its own. And you’d like an office right near the front so you can get the fuck out at 5:00 o’clock in a big, big hurry, you know what I mean, I ain’t staying around here. Tell him what’s happening, then ask him politely what his attitude is on Monday and Friday absenteeism. Tell him you don’t need a two-martini lunch, but you gotta have a one-joint coffee break. Let him know you’d like to start next month, but you must be paid immediately. Then if you still don’t have the job, point to the picture on his desk and say, who’s the cunt? That’ll get you right in. Probably have a nice long career with that company.
 Well… I noticed another one of these has, um, come in. This one is from the National Waffle Institute. I wonder what this one says; “French toast sucks.” Well, I have these notes and I look at them now and then, but most of the time I know them anyway. Reminds me of something my grandfather used to say, he used to say I’m going upstairs and fuck your grandmother. Well, he was an honest guy, you know? He wasn’t gonna lie to a little kid. I’ve been feeling strange lately, my jock came back from the laundry with teeth marks in it, you know? We take that as an omen in my family. You ever see a guy like this? Gee, I hope I don’t. Let’s do this tomorrow. Everybody let’s do this tomorrow at 3:00 o’clock. Perhaps no one will know why. Think for a moment about the concept of the flame thrower. Okay, the flame thrower. Because we have them. Well, we don’t have them, the Army has them. That’s right, we don’t have any flame throwers. I’d say we’re fucked if we have to go up against the Army, wouldn’t you? But we have flame throwers, and what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there, but I’m way too far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them. Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend, his friend who was good with tools. And about a month later he was back, hey, quite a concept. And of course, the Army heard about it and they came around We’d like to buy about 500,000 of them, please. We have some people we’d like to throw flame on. Give us 500,000 and paint them dark brown. We don’t want anyone to see them. Camouflage, what a great idea, camouflage. Have you noticed in the television film from Beirut they have on camouflage suit. There aren’t fucking trees within 25 miles of Beirut, man. They should have store fronts and car grilles on there, you know? Disco. Uh, you wanna go for a ride, you wanna go for a ride. Let me go, let me get this. Let’s go for a ride, okay? Well, actually, you’ll go for a ride, I’ll go for a drive. The person who drives the car, they’re the one who goes for a drive. The other people, they go for a ride. People don’t know that, tell them when they’re in your car. Say, you assholes are going for a ride, I’m going for a drive, cause I’m making the payments on this. And this is my car, for purposes of discussion. And it’s like any car, it’s tough to get into it. You know, you gotta get in the car first. And it’s not easy if you think about it, there’s a certain amount of risk involved getting in the car. Have you noticed how wonderful it is the way they designed the car, that the driver’s door is right out in the middle of goddamn traffic. Holy shit. I mean, you haven’t even gotten in this death machine yet and you almost died once. What you need is a nice, long red light back about a mile and a half, cause you need a little time and space to get in your car, with a little style and grace. I’ve often held up traffic for two or three hours just going into my car. Now as I said, this is my car. My car has one of those door handles, a lot of people have them I think now, the kind of door handles which is recessed a little bit into the door, and your fingers actually go in a little before they grab it. Don’t you like that? I like that. That’s why they’re not gonna make it anymore. They found out we like that. And my door, when I open my door, my door goes whoooot. And my door swings all the way open, you know what I mean? All the way open. I don’t have one of those fancy doors that hangs there half-way and stays there, you know? My door is either fucking closed, or fucking open. That’s it, we got two things, pick one. And if you’re gonna do anything really tricky like get in the car, you better prop that door open with a broom handle, Jack. Cause sure as shit it’s gonna come back and whoooot, whoa. Oh, and that hurts for about a year and a half, you know? And the little purple ring never goes away. Now, I have an additional problem getting into my car because my driver’s seat is pushed all the way forward on those two little runners, and it’s never, never coming back again. There are about 50 of those little pop top beer can rings all fused into one piece of metal, and this thing is never gonna move unless there’s an atomic attack. Now we get in the car if we can and get going here. Well, we had one additional thing, you may have parked in this parking lot where you had full access to your car when you went into the shopping center, but now that you’ve been in there, some asshole has parked right next to you, and you have about four degrees clearance now, and you gotta try and get in, and you’re carrying 12 gifts and wearing a top hat. Plus, your back is not built for this. You know, backs are not made for getting into cars. I’ll tell you, my back hurts just standing around thinking. Imagine this shit. And besides your back, getting in like this, you also risk serious ball injury from the steering wheel. So far the worst thing that’s happened is the flow through my femoral artery has been cut off for over 18 minutes. Fortunately, I was parked in front of a first aid station at the time. But I’m in the car and I’m right up front. What I mean is I’m forward in this car, you know what I mean? I’m right on the fire wall, okay? Hey, if I want to look at the speedometer, I gotta go. But at least I’m in the car, ha ha. And the goddamn door is still wide open. Well, maybe I can reach it, you know? Maybe without dislodging myself, I can reach and close the… Fuck it, we’ll drive with the door open today. It’s a lovely day anyway, isn’t it? And they say it helps you on left-hand turns. Okay, now we’re gonna be going for this drive/ride any minute here. First, a philosophical question: Have you ever noticed when you’re driving that anyone who’s driving slower than you is an idiot? And anyone driving faster than you is a maniac. Say, look at this idiot here, will you just look at this idiot just creeping along. Whoa, look at that maniac go. I mean, it’s a wonder we ever get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are, because there’s certainly no one driving at my speed. I don’t let anybody drive at my speed, do you? Bullshit, some guy is going my speed, fuck him, I slow down, man. Let him get up ahead a little bit. I can keep an eye on that asshole from back here. I like to know who I’m driving near. I’ll often ask for personal references at a yield sign. Okay, now certain stuff we want to remember before we go for a drive, certain basic things. First of all, there are some things that happen in the car, little embarrassments you suffer, but everyone knows about them. Uh, this is an example of what I mean, have you ever been driving someone else’s car and they’re in the car for some reason, you know what I mean? You’re driving their car and they’re there, too. Let’s say they fell out of a window and broke both of their knees in a courtyard for the sake of argument, and they can’t drive, and you’re driving their car. And you’re used to your car, and your turn signal is mounted on the opposite side of the steering column from their turn signal, and you go to shift gears and you… break off their fucking turn signal. Holy shit, came right off, didn’t it? Have to throw that mother away. Goddamn, you have to get a new one of them. Shit, that broke easy, didn’t it? Some things break easy, don’t they? Some things just come right off. Radio knobs in a car, God, they’re fragile. Just trying to tune something in, just trying to find something you can tolerate. Holy shit, came right off, look at that. Throw that mother away. Give me one out of the bag, I got about 80 of them down there, Thank you. And you wind up listening to something just the other side of the glove compartment. Now here’s an embarrassing thing, this is really embarrassing, this will stay with you for several hundred miles. You know those things you don’t shake off right away, like when you almost got killed by the big tractor trailer truck, and you had to pull over for 20 minutes and not do anything but listen to your heart. This is the same kind of thing. And this is one you do it, you do it yourself. This is so great. Did you ever pull up to a red light and you go a little bit too far into the intersection, so you put the car in reverse and you back up just a little bit, and then you forget the car is in reverse. You’re truly an accident waiting to happen. And then the light changes and (crash). Holy shit! How did I get back here? This is where I started from. God, you gotta pay attention, even at the red lights, don’t you? I thought sure they were for resting. Didn’t it seem that way to you, drive a little while, rest a little while. Oh, you have a lot of fun at the red lights. Did you ever kill somebody at the red light? You can do it, they’re walking right in front of you, man. Let’s kill this asshole, huh? Nah, let him go, hey, let’s kill this broad, okay? No, fuck it, let her go. Okay. Let’s not kill anybody today. Two people saved, man changes mind. Here’s a little red light story somebody told me. A guy is driving along, he’s got someone sitting right next to him and he goes right through a red light. The guy says what are you doing? He said never mind will ya, my brother drives like this. He goes a little bit further, comes to another red light, right through it. What you doing? I told you, will you stop it, my brother drives like this. He comes to a green light and he stops. What are you doing? Well, my brother might be coming the other way. What’s the first thing they teach you in driver education, they tell you where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you to put them at 10:00 o’clock and 2:00 o’clock. Bullshit, I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17, gives me an extra half an hour to get to work, you know? By the way, use everything on your car, you know what I mean? It’s yours, fuck it, you paid for the car, use everything, man. Flip your sun visor even on a cloudy day, who knows, flip it over here, flip it up and down, flip it on the side like the French people do. Flip the other one, even if no one is there, open the ash tray, push in the lighter even if you don’t smoke, turn all the knobs, have a lot of fun. Put your hand out the window, tell people to stop, you have power, power, stop, hold on, you stop, oh. And then let one person go, okay, you can go. Not you, you go. Okay, hey, fuck it, have a little fun, you paid for the car, you know what I mean? Now, a couple of things for the road like let’s remember not to get behind anybody weird, or even somebody mildly weird. You ever been behind a guy whose turn signal has been on for 80 miles? And you say well, maybe he’s just really cautious, you know? I’m not gonna pull out now, he may go at any moment. And you find out later he was going around the world to the left. You ever have somebody behind you whose brights are on? Isn’t that fun, someone behind you whose brights are on. Someone who just had his headlights aimed and wants to show you what a wonderful job the mechanic did. You know how you take care of those people, don’t you? Slam on the brakes, let them plow right into you, man. Sure puts them fucking lights out in a big hurry, I’ll tell you that. Let him find his way home, you know what I mean? He got out, he can get home. Another kind of person you don’t wanna get behind is anybody ssssslow. Boy, that’s really good for your arteries when you get behind somebody really, really sloooow. There are two classes of human beings to avoid in this category The first one is, any woman whose head you can’t see in the car at all. Any four-foot woman in a Cadillac is certain death. I’d pull over and take public transportation, myself. I’m not fucking with a ghost car, you know? Let someone else flag down the Flying Dutchman, it’s not my job. You say well, maybe it’s just coasting. No, I see knuckles. It’s definitely not a robot car. And the other type of person, I want to keep these books in balance, the other type of person whom you don’t want to get anywhere near, much less behind, any man over 70 wearing a hat, especially a checkered hat with earflaps… in August. Cause you know you get pissed. Even if you think you’re a pretty cool customer, you know you get pissed sometimes. Don’t you wish sometimes instead of having those cute little lights on the front of your car, you had 50 caliber machine guns mounted up there? I’d cream this cocksucker if I had real ammunition, Maude. Or you wish you had a rented car for just half an hour so you could bash this asshole and pay the $50 deductible and be done with him, you know what I mean? Just trying to ease him up into second gear. Or, you wish you had a message board that would come up out of the trunk of your car and you could type in any message you like. You drive like old people fuck… slow and sloppy. You ever been driving through heavy downtown kind of traffic, you know, block to block, street to street, busy area, not freeway but street to street, people backing out at 5:00 o’clock, busy stuff, maybe it’s winter and it’s dark already and it’s raining a little bit, got the window open, you can hear the rain, you can hear the traffic, people bumping into each other, got the radio on, got the windshield wipers going. So everything is happening at once, radio, windshield, rain, traffic, everything going on, and you’re just trying to get across town to take care of something, you know? And you get over there and park the car, turn off the key and go inside, take care of the business, and you come out and you turn on the key, and the goddamn radio is this loud. Could I possibly have been listening to that? You know, I believe someone broke into this car and tampered with my volume control, and that’s the only thing they touched. Here’s something you’ll be doing tonight, this is one you do all the time, if you get in the car you’re committed to do this following thing over and over. When you’re driving, you have to decide which car to get behind at the red light. There’s a block to go, there are three lanes to choose from, it’s completely up to you to decide who’s the really fast asshole in this group up ahead. Now, just a couple of things to remind you before I tow this trusty little thing back to the garage, a couple of things that go without saying, that’s why I’m going to say them. Uh, first of all, when you’re driving, let’s all keep in mind, when you’re driving and you come to the scene of an accident, for God sakes, slow down and try to find out what’s going on. And if you can’t see enough, ask the policeman to bring the bodies over a little closer to your car. Say, would you bring them over here? My wife has never seen a man shaped in quite that manner. That’s what they’re here for, to protect, to serve and to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. And the other thing which we’ve all heard a million times but it bears repeating, drinking and driving simply do not mix, so do your drinking early and get it out of the way, and then go driving. See ya, thank ya, whoa, a little tow job. Thank you. Okay, thanks, man. Yeah, all right. Sure. Scientists in Switzerland announced today they have been able to mice fart by holding them upside down and tapping them on the stomach with a ballpoint pen. Tragedy struck the parade today as an open manhole claimed the lives of 1100 marchers, one at a time. The Food and Drug Administration announced this week the following consumer information: Baloney causes night blindness, tuti fruity ice cream causes homosexuality, and chicken a la provencal with truffles and white wine causes brain damage. A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him. A man who was shot in the chest nine times yesterday and refused treatment… died today. Here’s a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 63-year-old James Driscoll was asleep last week in his downtown hotel room. He awakened to the sound of a dog barking. When he woke, the room was full of smoke and he could not see. The dog led him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. Seems it wasn’t his dog. The results of the blind person’s golf tournament have just come in. The winner was Johnny Downing with 1,829 strokes, just enough to beat Larry Powell, who lost any chance he might have had when he took a 312 on the final hole. The Nobel Prize in mathematics has been awarded to a California professor who has discovered a new number. The number is “bleen,” which he claims belongs between six and seven. A priest who has performed over 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogie man. In northern Montana today, a woman was severely injured when she attempted to force breast feed a wild boar. This morning on a busy downtown street corner, a dog exploded. No one was killed, however 12 people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast. Let me ask you a personal question, have you ever been making out with someone and one of you has a snot that’s whistling? Well, first you gotta find out who it is, you know? Then you gotta figure out which side it’s on. Did you ever have a hatchet go right through your face? You know, I’m talking about a good shot. Isn’t it strange, it’s the funniest feeling, cause just after the hatchet goes in, before you feel any pain, you feel this blast of cool air in the middle of your brain. I love that, it feels so good, but you know, that’s the only way I can attain it, and so I try not to get too hung up on it. Something I think about quite often is the rain dance. If they do a rain dance, wouldn’t you have to do rain dance practice… first? Wouldn’t that come first? Wouldn’t you have to have practice? I mean, some guys would have forgotten, some guys didn’t know it, some guys didn’t pay attention last year. You know, you gotta have rain dance practice. And what I’m wondering is, if you have rain dance practice, does it rain during practice? And if it doesn’t how do you know if you have it right? And if it does, why bother with the goddamn dance in the first place? Why not, you know, you need a little water, call practice. These are the kind of things I think of when I’m home alone and the television is broken. You know the best thing about living right on the seashore, you only have assholes on three sides of you. And if they come from that direction, you can hear them splash. Well, I use that word a lot, asshole. So do lots of people, you know, asshole. You asshole. This guy is an asshole. Are you kidding with this asshole over here? What an asshole. What do these assholes think they’re doing anyway? Well, it’s a great external target for you. It’s a great way to express yourself, this kind of asshole, that one. And I’ve been calling assholes a lot of years, you know? And I’ve noticed one thing, the amount of an asshole a person is, is directly proportional to the distance they are away from you at the time you discover this flaw. Someone on TV is really an asshole. Someone in a car is pretty much of an asshole. Someone standing right next to you on line, that guy is a real asshole, you know? The closer they are, the nicer they get, you know? Have you ever been talking to someone and a little bit of spit flies off your tongue and lands right on the man’s nose? And you say, Jesus, didn’t he see that? Then you think well, maybe he’s just a really cool guy. He saw it but he figures it’ll evaporate. He’s a science teacher. Talk about little embarrassments. Did you ever go the doctor’s office waiting room and you sit down and it turns out to be one of those cushions that sounds like you farted? Don’t you stand up right away, and then do it three times in a row? So they’ll all know it wasn’t you. Hey, not me, huh, cushion sounds like a fart, hey. No smell, just the cushion, see? Hey, let’s not tell the next guy who comes in. Or your stomach begins a conversation with you, always in a quiet situation, isn’t it? Always in a quiet setting. It never has anything to say when I’m out at the rifle range. But you let me get into the dentist’s office waiting room, everyone is quiet, everyone is in pain, and everyone is reading. And I’m looking through a copy of Molar World myself, and my stomach thinks it’s show time and starts in with little things like… (sound). Don’t you cough and try to drown it out? Make a lot of noise with the magazine, push on your stomach and hope the noise will go back into your kidneys. Then it goes… (sound). Then it starts in with complete sentences, we have no money for food, we’re poor. Don’t listen to my stomach, huh, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about. And you’re just trying to get through the day, but little things await you, little moments you have to deal with. Did you ever start to belch and then almost puke? It’s like a medical emergency. You say, Jesus, I almost puked! Turns out it was a belch, but puke was involved. This was a semi puke related belch incident. God, it’s an awful feeling, you know? Not just the taste, which is bad enough, but it’s the whole idea, just the idea of the thing that bothers me. You know, I don’t know whether I’m almost sick or not. I think sheesh, maybe I’m almost sick. Perhaps I shouldn’t go out under these circumstances. You know, you wouldn’t want to get out and be outdoors somewhere and get sick on some stranger. Better to stay home and get sick on people you love. Cause nobody likes to get sick, you know? If being sick were fun, shit, I’d be sick all the time, myself. You’d have parties for it. People would say hey, come on over to the house, we’re all gonna get sick. You never hear that, it’s no fun. But fortunately, for us, we don’t get sick right away, all of a sudden, you know? It doesn’t happen out of the blue that suddenly you’re sick. You’re not walking along the street and then… (sound). Doesn’t happen like that. Usually, before you get sick, there’s a little period of time when you don’t feel good, and that does come first, doesn’t it? Say, what’s the matter with you, what are you sick? No, I just don’t feel good. I don’t know what it is, you know, cause I’m not sick. But I don’t feel right. I feel like, I feel like, I could get sick if I really wanted, you know? But I don’t wanna, and I hope I don’t. Well, that’s what he says now, that he doesn’t want to get sick. You check that same guy in a half an hour and you know what he’ll be saying, geez, I wish I would get sick and get it over with. Finally, you just want to get it over with, don’t you? Because almost being sick is worse than actually being sick. After all, once you’re sick, shit, you’re sick now. Everything’s different once you’re sick. People treat you nice once you’re sick. You don’t feel good, you’re just a big pain in the ass. People treat you nice once they know you’re officially sick. Hey, most places have a different attitude if you’re sick, your city, the place you live, a whole different attitude. Most places have a sanitary code. If you spit on the sidewalk it’s a $50 fine. Vomiting is free! Well, how did they arrive at that price schedule? Wouldn’t it seem to you like the bigger the mess, the bigger the fine? Hey, look at this guy here, $1500 here. Hey, leave the guy alone, can’t you see the guy is sick. Go ahead buddy, it’s on the house. Actually, it’s on your trousers. And they say you threw up. Check your shoes, looks like you threw down. That’s one of them phrases that doesn’t really mean what it says, you know? God, you don’t throw up, if anything, you throw out. If you threw up, you’d have to get out of the way. Being sick doesn’t even sound very good. I mean, the sound of the word is bad enough, sick. I’m sick. Excuse me, I’m sick. If you ever want to clear a path in a crowd, that’s the way you do it. Excuse me, I’m sick. Cripples will get out of your way. You can be out of the football stadium in 10 seconds with one good loud excuse me, I’m sick. They’ll clear a path to your home, cause don’t nobody want no vomit on his pennant. Well, I’d like to do something called baseball and football, and it, uh… thank you, that’s nice… because these two things are such a part of our lives, these two activities, and yet, they’re so different. Baseball is pastoral, 19th century. Football is technological, 20th century. Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park, the baseball park. Football is played on a gridiron in a stadium, War Memorial Stadium. In baseball, you wear a cap. In football, you wear a helmet. Baseball has a seventh inning stretch. Football has a two-minute warning. Baseball has no time limit, we don’t know how long it’s gonna last. We might have extra innings. Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we have to go to sudden death. Football is based on downs, what down is it? Baseball is based on ups, who’s up, are you up? I’m not up. In football, you get a penalty. In baseball, you make an error, whoops. In baseball in the stands there’s something of a picnic feeling, you know, emotions may run high but there’s not that much unpleasantness. In football in the stands, you can be sure that at least 27 times during the game you were capable of taking the life of a fellow human being, preferably a stranger. And to sum this up, the object of the games, quite different, the object of the game in football is for the quarterback, otherwise known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use the shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack which punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line. In baseball, the object is to go home. I’m going home, I’m going home. Well, I don’t have an ending for that, but that’ll do until one comes along, you know what I mean? This weekend, sports fans won’t wanna miss, Universe of Sports. More unusual sports from around the world. From Turkey, teen wrestling with knives. From France, nude weight lifting. From Norway, a look at a largely forgotten sport, underwater tobogganing. From an elevator shaft in New York City, men’s vertical frisbee. From a nursing home in Oklahoma, demolition walker. From Texas, off-water boating. And finally, the newest X-rated sport from California, roller-fucking. Here’s a cheer, a sports cheer you can use, I’m giving this to you. Maybe you’ve heard it but, uh, it’s a gift for you, and you can use this in any sport. I think of football more, uh, you know, appropriate for… for cheers, I think. But, but you could use this for any sport, intramural lacrosse, uh, mud surfing, cross-country bowling, full contact chess, Australian dick wrestling. They have that on ESPN, you know? But here’s a little cheer, and a lot of people like it. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat, 69 assholes tied in a knot, hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Now, I’m gonna do that again cause I know some of you like to memorize these things. And by the way, if you’re memorizing and there are two people in your party, why not each one of you memorize every other word. Kind of cuts the labor right in half. It goes like this: “Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat”… perfectly normal way to begin a cheer as far as I’m concerned – “69 assholes tied in a knot” – I don’t know what that means, either – “hooray, lizard shit, fuck.” Thank you very much. Thank you all. Next year, thank you. See you later. I don’t know about that kids. Ah, the hell with it. Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today in Hollywood, he had no last words, however, he did make several gestures."
1686242785-372,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: 8:46 – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-846-transcript/,"June 6, 2020 8:46 is a performance special by comedian Dave Chappelle about violence against African Americans. The special was released via YouTube on June 12, 2020. The performance is not a traditional stand-up comedy special, as it was recorded at a private outdoor venue due to the COVID-19 pandemic in Ohio and features long stretches without humor. The event was entitled 8:46 in reference to the eight minutes and 46 seconds that police officer Derek Chauvin knelt on the neck of George Floyd, a black man, murdering him, and Chappelle’s time of birth on his birth certificate, being born at 8:46 AM. Chappelle touches on Floyd’s death and subsequent protests, discusses the history of violence against African-Americans in the United States and their attempts to push back, and takes aim at conservative pundits Laura Ingraham and Candace Owens for their policing of the black community  [car pulls up] [indistinct conversation] [music playing] [applause] Thank you! Thank you very much! I hope you all can hear me. [applause] Will you guys shut the fuck up! Just kidding! That’s my family in the back, that’s why I did that. Anyway, this is weird. And less than ideal circumstances to do a show. But the only way to figure out if this shit will actually work, well is to do the goddamn show. So, thank you all for coming. [applause] I want to shout out all the young people who have had the courage to go out and do all this amazing work, protesting. [applause] I am very proud of you. [applause] You kids are excellent drivers. I am comfortable in the back seat of the car. So carry on, young ones. It’s hard to figure out what to say about George Floyd. So I’m not going to say it yet. [laughs] I will say something. [sigh] Are you guys having a good time, or is this weird?     [applause] I gotta tell you, this is actually, like, the first concert in North America since all this shit happened, so, like it or not, it’s history. It’s going to be in the books. [applause] At least we tried. There’s other comedians that would– Well this is not the first show but the other shows were like in drive-ins and if people liked the n*gga’s jokes they’d honk the horn. [laughter] And that didn’t sound like any fun at all, did it? [laughter] So what’s you guys? You a black and white friend hanging out, do you guys know each other? [inadubile] Whew! It’s going to be a quiet ride home, isn’t it? No, just kidding! [laughter] I’m just kidding, enjoy your riots. [laughter] I’m just kidding. They’re not really even riots. You notice that? [sighs] This is a fucking weird time. Mhmm. In like 1993, I’m not sure what year it was, but I was in LA. I had smoked a joint and I was watching a movie, Apocalypse Now. It was like just after 4:00 in the morning. And what later would become the known Northridge earthquake happened. It felt like it started in my apartment. You know? I’m from east of the Mississippi. On this side we don’t know what earthquakes are about. I got to tell you something, man [burps] Excuse me, burping. This shit was terrifying. It was absolutely terrifying. Uh, a lot of things went through my mind, I was like, not naked, but you know what I mean, just chilling in my boxers. Uh, I put my clothes on, I found my weed. And some, a pipe, and a lighter and some money, and my keys, all these things, while the earthquake is happening, while I’m experiencing what an earthquake is for the first time, and I was certain that I might very possibly die. As a matter of fact, I remember I made a point not to scream, just in case I lived, I wouldn’t have to remember myself being vocally terrified. But I forgave myself for being terrified. That earthquake couldn’t have been more than 35 seconds. This man kneeled on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds! Can you imagine that!? This kid thought he was going to die. He knew he was going to die. He called for his mother. He called for his dead mother. I’ve only seen that once before in my life, my father, on his deathbed, called for his grandmother. When I watched that tape I understood this man knew he was going to die. People watched it, people filmed it, and for some reason, that I still don’t understand, all these fucking police had their hands in their pockets. Who. Are. You. Talking. To! What are you signifying? That you can kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds and feel like you wouldn’t get the wrath of God. That’s what is happening right now.     It’s not for a single cop, it’s for all of it. Fucking all of it. I don’t mean to get heavy, but. We gotta say something. [applause] He told the police he couldn’t breathe. One of the hardest parts of the tape to listen to. He said, “Please!” I can’t tell you, as a man, watching another man go through something like that, what it makes you feel like. I didn’t watch the tape for a week. I didn’t watch it. I knew. I saw a still picture, I said, I don’t want to see this, because I can’t unsee it. But when I finally watched it, I understood, nobody’s going home. Anyone who sees this, well they’re going to be furious. So the other night, I’m in my little clubhouse. And I’m watching Don Lemon, that hotbed of reality. He says, “Where are all these celebrities? Why aren’t you talking?” This n*gga said everybody. I was screaming at the TV: I DARE YOU SAY ME, N*GGA! [laughter] I dare you! Has anyone ever listened to me do comedy? Have I not ever said anything about these things before? So, now, all the sudden, this n*gga expects me to step in front of the streets and talk over the work these people are doing? As a celebrity? Answer me, do you want to see a celebrity right now? Do we give a fuck what Ja Rule thinks? Does it matter about celebrity? No! This is the streets talking for themselves. They don’t need me right now! [applause] I kept my mouth shut. And I’ll still keep my mouth shut. But don’t think that my silence is complicit of all the shit these n*ggas are saying. Trying to get everyone to sing these fucking songs. I know all these songs. I was raised on these songs. Why would anyone care what their favorite comedian thinks after they saw a police officer kneel on a man’s neck for eight minutes and forty-six seconds? I can’t get that number out of my head because it was my time of birth on my birth certificate. I was born at 8:46 in the morning. And they killed this n*gga. And eight minutes and forty-six seconds. I watched everything everybody says. I see Candace Owens trying to convince white America, don’t worry about it, he’s a criminal anyway! I don’t give a fuck what this n*gga did. I don’t care what this n*gga did. I don’t care if he personally kicked Candace Owens in her stanky pussy. I don’t know if it stinks but I imagine it does. [laughter] And if I ever find out I’ll let you know for sure. I’ll tell like Azealia Banks, I’ll tell.     [laughter] I’m the worst. But I know why. I figured out why they want to hear it from me, and it’s serious. The only reason people want to hear from people like me is because you trust me. You don’t expect me to think perfect. But I don’t lie to you. I’m just a guy. And I don’t lie to you. And every institution, every institution that we trust lies to us. [applause] How come they never talk about Chris Dorner? That’s a story about a man who believed he did everything right. Do you know who Chris Dorner is? Chris Dorner, if you remember, was an African American police officer in the LA PD. He was executing a warrant with his partner. Who was a white woman. And white women, I support you, but boy if you all don’t shut the fuck up. [laughter] During the process of executing this warrant, this white woman did what Chris Dorner thought was excessive force. I don’t know what she did. She kicked the mother fucker that was handcuffed, or hit a guy that was handcuffed, or something. Chris Dorner, the Black police officer that watched this white woman do this, reported this to his superior. Made a formal complaint. And was subsequently fired from the LA PD. He went through the system. He took every legal avenue he believed he had to get reinstated. And he was not reinstated. And when his last appeal was finished, this motherfucker… some wild shit. Wrote a manifesto, you know where this is going. And in that manifesto, he called me a genius. Me. Dave Chappelle. Not just me, but me. He’s a Kevin Hart fan too. [laughter] But he called me a genius. And he told Bradley Cooper who is a friend of mine, don’t do any more Hangovers, n*gga, that’s enough. That’s what he said.     [laughter] And he told his story. Chris Dorner told his story, how he did everything right when he was in the military, and subsequently, this was before any of this shit happened, and then he said, which was the wildest thing, he said I’m going to wage asymmetrical war on the LA police department and their families. Well, that’s an ominous thing to say. And he did it. This motherfucker, ambushed two police officers who just sitting in their squad car. Murdered them. He went to another police officer’s house and killed his daughter. Boy, it was terrifying. And this motherfucker was on the run. He was doing it. I was supposed to do the GRAMMYs. I was supposed to present at the GRAMMYs that week, and a guy from the LA PD called me and said, “Mr. Chappelle we understand you’re coming to Los Angeles, and I don’t know if you know, but there is a lunatic on the streets who is killing police officers and we would like to know if we can pick you up at the airport? We are extending this courtesy to everyone he mentioned in his manifesto. And I told the police, I’m fine. I read the manifesto, he likes me. [laughter] Is there anything I can do for you, n*gga? Because I get very worried! [laughter] They found him. Big Bear. He was hiding in a cabin. When they figured out where this n*gga was, no less than 400 police officers showed up and answered the call. And boy let me tell you something, they swiss-cheesed this n*gga. He is dead as dead could be. He is done. And you know why 400 cops showed up? Because one of their own was murdered. So how the fuck can’t they understand what’s going on in these streets? [applause] We saw ourselves like you see yourself. They weren’t the only one. LeBron James once said something about racism and Laura Ingraham, which, I will say publicly anywhere, any time, is a cunt. [laughter] Tell ’em I said it. [applause] Told one of Ohio’s greatest residents ever: “Shut up and dribble.” I’ll tell you something about LeBron. This n*gga was on the cover of Sports Illustrated when he was 17 years old, and exceeded every expectation that they had for him. This business is treacherous. This is a good guy LeBron, he’s a family man, and this, that and the other. He didn’t let anyone down. He didn’t let anyone down. Came back to Ohio, won us a championship, and then was like, I’m going to move to LA, and everyone in Ohio was like, n*gga we understand. [laughter] He’s a good man, LaBron James. The bitch told my friend to shut up and dribble. My friend is the best at something, and this bitch is not the best at anything. Just a regular-ass white bitch with a platform. And I use the word bitch all the time because this is “black.” [sigh] Watch one shooting after another: Eric Garner in New York, the first guy that told the police, “I can’t breathe.” Eric Garner was selling loose cigarettes in Staten Island. When my kid was born, my first son, my wife lived in Staten Island, it’s an awful place. She knows it, everyone who’s ever been there knows it. Yuck, to Staten Island. And my black ass would go there, and I got a lot of fans there, and friends there, but this is a very terrible place. Fuck everybody in Staten Island except the Wu Tang Clan. [laughter] Got murdered by one police officer while five of his fellow officers watched him do it. [no audio] Not one of them said, “Frank, Frank take it easy.” None of that shit. Because they were being recorded. Because they were afraid if I correct my fellow officer on this camera it’s going to open us up for some kind of liability. And the guy killed the person that they were, uh, what do you call it? Apprehending? The guy was selling loose cigarettes. There goes Eric Garner. [sigh] And then we have one after the other. Trayvon Martin gets murdered by just a regular n*gga that… George Zimmerman is nobody. George Zimmerman is an awful human being. He threatened Beyonce’s life, he threatened Jay-Z’s life, he signed Skittle bags because Trayvon Martin had Skittles on him when he was murdered by George Zimmerman. Boy, how do we feel? How do we feel right now? This kid was 15 years old being followed by a grown man with a gun and whooped his monkey ass. He beat the shit out of George Zimmerman and George Zimmerman murdered him, I’m very upset. This kid looked eerily like the president, he looked like my own children. I hate George Zimmerman. As an idea. Not as a guy, I’ve never met him. I’m sure I would though. [laughter] Hit the streets. You got them marching. Dylann Roof. Dylann Roof killed eight people in a church in Charleston, South Carolina. He prayed with them first, and then he shot them at point-blank range. It goes on and on. And in one weekend a law abiding citizen right here in Beaver Creek is murdered. The cop that murdered John Crawford pulled me over the night before and let me off with a warning. And the next day, kills a kid. He says, drop the weapon, bang bang bang. This kid didn’t even have enough time to register that he was the one being spoken to. This is our home town. It happened right here. I was very proud to be your neighbor, I love the way you guys hit those streets. We said his name and we tried to make sure everyone remembered him but he got lost in the sauce. And this guy John Crawford was a saint. He was there buying shit so him and his kids could make s’mores. Michael Brown got shot the same week, and Michael Brown became the story. And then, am I boring you? Well then, right back in Minneapolis was Philando Castile. Law abiding citizen, was a registered gun carrier, was trying to show police the paperwork for his registered weapon and was murdered in front of his wife and his child and then right in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, just two days later it happens again. And what do you think is going to happen? Three days later nine cops get murdered in Dallas at a Black Lives Matter rally. Wow, I’ll never forget it. It was the first time I ever thought, I gotta get my family the fuck out of this place. These n*ggas will never understand. I’m tired of explaining to these people something that’s so goddamn obvious. The guy that killed those nine cops, just like Chris Dorner before him, was from our military. And then right after he did it, another four cops were shot dead in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Again, a Black man, that served in our military. What are they doing? Why would our guys do that? Black people from the military? Because they believe, just like they did when they were joining the fucking military, that they were fighting acts of terror.     These are our people. These are our countrymen. If I were white, and saw one of these men get murdered and I was in the NRA why wouldn’t I stand up for them. A card carrying legal gun owner that gets murdered in cold blood? Because he’s Black. That’s why they don’t give a fuck. There’s only one time the NRA ever supported an assault weapon ban. You know when it was? It was when the Black Panthers stormed the state capital with assault rifles in California. [applause] Candace Owens, that rotten bitch. She’s the worst. I can’t think of a worse way to make money. The most articulate idiot I’ve ever seen in my fucking life. She’s so articulate she’ll tell you how fucking stupid she is precisely. And she told George Floyd’s wrap record… On the internet. “Oh, he was the this, he did that, and he was, he’s a drug addict. And he was not a hero. And why does the Black community make him a hero? Why do you chose him as a hero?” We didn’t chose him, you did! They killed him, and that wasn’t right, so he’s the guy. We’re not desperate for heroes in the Black community. Any n*gga that survives this nightmare is my goddamn hero. [applause] This is not funny at all. [laughter] I got some pussy jokes too, I could do, but I just really just… [laughter] Slavery is a really wild concept. Uh, it’s some weird shit. The night that those nine police officers were killed felt like the end of the world. The only reason it wasn’t the end of the world, in my opinion, was because at the very same time that was happening, Kobe Bryant was playing his last game as an LA Laker. And as scary as all that shit was, I kept flipping back to see if Kobe would drop sixty, and he did. Oh, and he did. And vaguely in the back of my mind I remember the idiot ass bitch telling somebody to shut up and dribble, and I watched this n*gga dribbling and saving this goddamn country from itself. I loved Kobe Bryant. He died the night, the day I won a GRAMMY, he died. That’s why I didn’t show up at the GRAMMYs. Because Kobe died. They had both of his fucking jersey numbers hanging up. 8, 24. Well, that’s my birthday. I cried like a baby. [sighs] So, here’s what I said on Saturday Night Live that I got completely wrong: At the end of my set I talked about how few Black people were invited to the White House. How Frederick Douglass was the first. And that it didn’t happen again until Roosevelt. But that was wrong. It happened one other time before that. Woodrow Wilson. Woodrow Wilson received delegation of African Americans at the White House. They were from South Carolina. There was a man who was lynched for a $30 dispute at a grain elevator and they killed him because the n*gga was rich, and they hated him for being more welathy then they were, and they murdered him. And the people in South Carolina said, fuck that, and they went via the governor of South Carolina, it was a Black delegation that was facilitated to meet with Woodrow Wilson. That delegation was lead by the AME Bishop William David Chappelle. That’s where I get my name. It was my great- grandfather, who was a slave when he was born. [applause] These things are not old. This is not a long time ago, it’s today. It’s today. That man’s wife was the woman that my father called on on his deathbed. And they were slaves. Are you out of your fucking mind if you can’t see that? And these n*ggas say why isn’t David Chappelle saying anything? Because David Chappelle understands what the fuck he is seeing. And these streets will speak for themselves weather I’m alive or dead. [applause] I trust you guys. I love you guys. We’ll keep this space open. This is the last stronghold for civil discourse. After this shit it’s just rat-a-tat-tata-tat-ta-tat-tat-TAT! [applause] I love you very much, thank you for being here. Goodnight. [applause] ♫ Nobody Speak by DJ Shadow feat. Run the Jewels ♫"
1686242378-273,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Whitney Cummings: Can I Touch It? (2019) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-can-i-touch-it-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen… Whitney Cummings! This is awesome. I am shooting my fourth stand-up special this evening in my hometown, Washington DC. Thank you. Thank you so much. A lot’s happened since I made a stand-up special. A lot’s gone on in the past year. I don’t know if you noticed, but people started caring about sexual harassment all of a sudden. That came out of fucking nowhere. I feel like the sexual harassment news has finally been going on long enough to where my guy friends feel comfortable complaining about how hard it’s been for them. Anyone have any guy friends who are acting like they have no idea how to behave at the office? All of a sudden, my guy friends say, “What, so I can’t even hug a woman at work anymore?” You never could. It’s why we’re in this mess. No one wants to bump nipples with you at 9 a.m… by the Keurig machine. It’s weird. But as I say that, I want you guys to know, I get it. Of course you want to touch women. They’re so freaking cute. They’re impossible to resist. I relate to your frustration, because sometimes I will see a service dog at the airport. And it’s wearing a little vest. It says, “Dog working, do not pet.” Now I’m in a pickle. Because I’m going to pet that fucking dog. This is going down the easy way or the hard way. I mean, it’s a dog. It obviously wants it. I get your logic. And it is asking for it with that adorable little butt. I can see its butthole. If that’s not asking for it, I don’t know what is. But I don’t. I never pet a service dog. It’s that vest. You’re like, “Oh, God, that dog’s in the middle of something.” You respect that vest. I think that’s what we need to start doing at work. Women need to start wearing little vests to work. “Lady working. Do not hug. Shit to do.” I feel like we were all getting a little sloppy at the office. I used to work with this guy. Every day, he’d run past me, he’d put his hands in between my butt cheeks, like this, and he’d yell to the whole office. He’d go, “I’m swiping a credit card, I’m swiping a credit card.” I thought it was hilarious. I’d be like, “You’re declined. You’re declined. Your card did not go through. No, it didn’t.” That’s on me. That is on me. Um, that’s my bad. I’m not proud of that. But now credit card machines, they have a chip reader now. So you’d have to do that, and that is not okay. That is wrong. That’s wrong. I have a couple of guy friends who are trying so hard to not be creepy at work that they’re doing way creepier shit by accident. One of my guy friends tried to compliment a woman he works with and he called her “wife material.” He got in trouble and had no idea why. He said, “What do you mean? That’s not even sexual.” Calling a woman “wife material,” that’s like saying, “I could fuck you forever. So I’m going to make you sign a contract, so that, if you want to get away from me, you have to hire a lawyer.” Just think it through. Think it through. People really want to challenge me about all these women coming forward. Someone came up to me and was like, “Well, how do these women even remember what happened?” Like, “Oh, because we’re known for our amazing ability to forget shit. Uh, we’re known for just letting things go after a while. It’s our thing.” Maybe some people don’t understand that when you get harassed at a young age, you might not even put together that that’s what’s occurring until later in life when you’re an adult. That was one of my experiences. When I was 19 years old, I got a job as an extra in a television show. The first day I was there, the director, who was at least 65 years old, invited me into his trailer for lunch. So I go into his trailer. And I know what you’re thinking. “Why did you go into his trailer?” Because I was an idiot. I was 19 years old. No one had told me trailers were bad. There was a lot of shit I didn’t know. I also thought clear bra straps were clear. Um… I also thought that lady living with my aunt was her “roommate.” I also thought guys could be “allergic to latex.” There was a lot of shit… …I hadn’t figured out yet. Don’t blame me. So of course I go into his trailer. Out of nowhere, he just lunges at me. I didn’t understand what was happening because he was so much older than me. I thought he fell. I was like, “Are you okay? Oh, my God. Are you passing away? What’s happening?” No idea what to do with that story. I don’t remember the guy’s name, but the good news is I did accidentally stumble upon a great way to deal with harassment at work from a creepy guy. Just pretend you think he’s having a medical emergency. Next time a guy’s like, “Hey, sweetie, want to get a drink later?” just go, “Oh, my God, someone call an ambulance! Gary thinks he’s in my league! I don’t know if it’s, like, dementia or maybe it’s a stroke. Gary thinks I would fuck him. We’ve got to call an ambulance! This is bad.” Don’t get angry. Just get very compassionate. That’s my new approach. I don’t even get angry at cat-callers anymore. My new thing with cat-callers is just do what they ask. Because then they’ll realize it’s not at all what they want. Next time a guy’s like, “Hey, baby, smile,” just be like… People really want to argue with me about this stuff. I had a guy come at me and he was like, “You know, what if women start taking advantage?” We got it. We’ll handle it when that happens. I love that you guys think that we have no idea that some women are batshit crazy. We know. Okay? We know way more shit than you know. We see the text messages she didn’t send to you. We know. We see the ones that are too crazy to even get to your phone… because we’re the ones that put a stop to that shit. We’re the ones like, “No, you’re not going to kidnap his mom. Delete it, delete it. Give me the phone. Give it to me. Put the phone down. That’s too many bubbles. He hasn’t responded in five days. Give me the phone. You’re not sending that. You’re not going to send an Adele song with six eggplant emojis. Give it to me. Log out now.” We know. You guys just don’t know that we know because we’re in this climate where everyone’s walking on eggshells and no one’s allowed to say anything negative about a woman or people freak out. That’s not healthy. We have to get back to a place where we can call out women if they’re acting like silly gooses. And there are some silly gooses out there. Does anyone have any girl friends that think they’re “feminists,” but they’re actually just “assholes”? Someone’s got to say it. But I also think we have to be patient with women right now. You’ve got to understand, this came out of nowhere. For thousands of years, nobody cared about our feelings, nobody cared about our opinions. Then a year ago, everyone was like, “What do you think?” It was like… “What the fuck? I’m sorry, can you just give us one second? We were not at all prepared for that question. It’s just no one has ever asked us that before. Can you just give us a minute? We were just taking a selfie with dog ears. Just give us one second. We’re going to regroup and come right back to you with an answer. Bitches, huddle up right now. Um, they give a shit about us all of a sudden and we have absolutely no practice being listened to, so we need to level the fuck up right now. Some things need to change around here. First of all, the ‘ros all day’ shirts have to go. Just for a couple of years till we get out of the woods on this. ‘Namastay in bed, ‘ it’s not a sophisticated argument. No more sassy shirts for a while. You stop saying, ‘totes.’ You’re 40. Um… We might have to stop calling each other hookers and whores for a while.” – Does anyone have that girl friend? – “Hey, hooker.” I actually think we need to steal from what guys do with their nicknames, because guys build each other up with their nicknames, right? “What up, champ?” “What up, chief?” “What up, boss?” Guys give each other promotions in their nicknames. I make television shows. I have an intern. He’s 20 years old. People walk in, they’re like, “What up, boss?” I’m like, “What? No, I’m your boss. I’m your boss. That’s nobody’s boss. That’s my friend’s nephew who was too stupid to get a job, so I had to give him an internship… because he got a two on his SATs… …so that’s nobody’s boss. Okay? Best case scenario, he will be a hooker. So let’s just get this… I’m your boss.” I don’t like any nicknames my girl friends give me. They’ll be like, “Hey, honey. Hey, cupcake.” I’m like, “What are you doing? You don’t like it when guys call you that.” Let’s just all stop calling women desserts for a while. If you must call a woman a dessert, at least pick a cool dessert, you know. Like bear claw. “What up, bear claw?” That’s fine. Mousse. “Mousse!” “Alright, get back in the huddle. There’s more shit to do. Okay, I think, for a while, we need to stop yelling at guys when they drive by in a sports car.” Does anyone have that girl friend? When a guy drives by in a sports car, they go, “Sorry about your dick.” How is that helping? You’re making us look like hypocrites, right? Because, if the roles were reversed in that scenario, it would be so messed up, right? If a woman drove by in a sports car and a guy was like, “Sorry about your giant pussy!” Not a good look. “What else? We’ve got to watch what we prioritize on social media. We’ve got to watch the causes we prioritize on social media. Free The Nipple? Not this month. Next month.” Unless you’re breastfeeding, in which case you can do whatever the hell you want with your nipple as far as I am concerned. If your nipple has proven to be of use to society, you may free it. But I think we can all agree, a breastfeeding nipple is not free. That nipple is working. We need to get it a little vest. Like a little, tiny… Like a… Like a baby vest. I think the biggest thing I want to work on with my girl friends is telling the difference between empowerment and entitlement. It’s a fine line. Very easy to confuse those two. Like I have this one girl friend, she thinks she’s very empowered, but she’s actually just entitled and it comes out in the way that she complains that no man is good enough for her, even though all she does is talk about astrology and go to music festivals. She has no concept of what she deserves. Like, she will go to a music festival for five days and do drugs the entire time, and then she’ll come back and she’ll be like, “I told you, there’s just no good men out there.” No, there are good men out there. They’re just at home with their good women. You’re never going to meet them, because they’re not at Burning Man watching you puke on your slutty Native American Indian costume. We get in fights because she generalizes a lot about, like, all men and all women. I know it’s weird that I’m criticizing that, because generalizing about men and women did pay for my house, but… I’m evolving and I now find that really frustrating to engage with. I had a guy come at me on social media. He said, “Well, all women are just liars.” All women? Okay, let’s say some of these women are liars. Just for a thought experiment. You have to admit the reaction of men lying and women lying in our culture is very different. You’ve seen the movie Catch Me If You Can. Great movie. It’s about a con artist. He pretends to be a doctor, pretends to be a pilot. So if you’re a woman and you lie, you’re a monster. If you’re a man and you lie, you get a movie made about you starring Leonardo DiCaprio. What do we get? We got fucking I, Tonya. That’s what we got. You have to be in a leotard for anyone to give a shit. I also did research on the guy that movie is based on. He now works at the FBI. They pay him millions of dollars to consult on other con artists. So if you’re a man and you lie, that’s like a hireable skill. People don’t like when women lie. They get very uncomfortable when women lie. That’s my theory about why there’s no female magicians. Never thought about that shit before? Because when men lie, we’re like, “Whoa, magic!” If there was a female magician, after every trick, everyone in the audience would be like, “I fucking knew it. What did I tell you? I told you, you cannot trust these bitches. Sneaky bitches.” The other generalization I keep hearing is, “Well, all these women are just gold-diggers.” Like, okay, fine. Let’s say… Let’s say some of these women are gold-diggers. You guys have to admit that you guys were afraid of gold-diggers way before this even happened. It’s hard for us to hear you guys complain about gold-diggers. Because when you guys complain about gold-diggers to us, it kind of just sounds like you’re bragging. We’re like, “Alright, well, a lot of the reason you have all that gold is because you have the advantage of being a guy.” Especially in the goods and services industry, a lot of the reason you have that money is because we buy a bunch of shit we don’t fucking need. So if I’m dating the head of Sephora and I gold-dig him, I’m not using him for his money. I’m using him for my money. That is my money. I’m just trying to get that shit back. Um… “I feel like you gold-digged me first. Bronzer should not be $90.” When guys complain about gold-diggers, it’s tricky, because, to us, the solution is so obvious. If you’re worried about gold-diggers, I have an idea. How about just date women with their own fucking gold? I don’t know, maybe stop dating 18-year-olds that need a Kickstarter campaign just to eat dinner. Maybe just date adults with jobs. I don’t know. I don’t know. No, no, no. Also, it’s very ironic to me when guys complain about gold-diggers, because you know you were the original gold-diggers, right? You know your great-great-grandfathers got a bunch of shovels and started digging up actual gold… before women were allowed to leave the house. I would love to dig for gold the old-fashioned way and get, like, a pickax and, like, a salad strainer and go get my own gold, but you guys took it all and you refused to share, so… now we’re going to have to do this the hard way… and be in a bad relationship for two years and hope that you cheat on me. And I feel like I can say that, because I have had a guy use me for my gold before and I’ve noticed, when you hear the word “gold-digger,” you think of a woman right away. Men use women for their money, too. They’re not called “gold-diggers.” They’re called, like, “backup dancers.” They have, like, a… They have, like, a jaunty name. It’s hard to talk about this stuff without sounding self-righteous. That’s my nightmare. I’m trying to not sound self-righteous about all this, because it’s my pet peeve when people are self-righteous in conversations. And I try to remember though that when someone’s self-righteous, it usually just means they care so much about something that they become an asshole. Right? I do it. I’m guilty. I am guilty. I am very into animal advocacy. And… Oh, thank you. Oh, that’s very nice. I don’t have kids. What else am I going to do? There are times when I am so passionate about protecting an innocent animal that I will be a jerk to a human. It happens… kind of a lot. And… recently, I saw a stray dog at this huge intersection in Los Angeles and nobody was stopping. Nobody was stopping, so I pull over and I can see – that it’s a little, tiny puppy. – Aww! I know! And I could tell it was in really bad shape, okay? So I get out of my car and this guy yells at me. He’s like, “You dumb bitch!” and I was like, “Fuck you!” So I’m screaming at all these people. I finally get, like, 12 lanes to stop and I get closer to this puppy and I get closer and closer to this little, tiny puppy and I see that this little, tiny puppy is a trash bag. But I had already been such an asshole… that there was really no turning back at this point, so I just had to… Just had to lean in. And that’s how I got tetanus. I am realizing that the guy friends of mine that are the most self-righteous I actually think might be the ones that have done nothing wrong. They assume these women must be exaggerating, because they themselves would never behave the way they’re seeing in the news stories. Like you would never pull your dick out at work, sir. Of course not. Of course not. It would be ridiculous. Woo! It would be crazy for you to do that. That would be an insane thing to do. But… you have that one friend you can totally see doing that shit. What’s his name? – Jeffrey. – Jeffrey. Anyone that goes by Jeffrey instead of Jeff is a fucking asshole. He likes to waste people’s time with his full name. Jeffrey. That’s who we’re talking about, right? I try to remind my guy friends, we’re not attacking you. We’re just… You have to remember that the world is a little more dangerous for us because of the Jeffreys of the world. Like, you know we have to take a class to learn how to go outside, right? Has anyone ever taken a self-defense class before? Okay. Yeah. That’s a lot. Wow, okay. Like, 25 women. The rest are dead. Okay. I took a self-defense class in my 20s and I think we could maybe update the tactics a little bit. I remember, the tactics she told me, I physically can’t even execute. She was like, “If your attacker gets you on the ground, gouge his eyes out.” What the fuck? I can’t even open a package from Amazon… without getting a paper cut. I can hardly get a straw in a Capri Sun, so… I’m not sure this tactic is for me. None of it was pragmatic. She said to us, “Never get in an elevator with a man.” “Bitch, have you ever had a job? Have you ever seen an office building before? It’s basically a bunch of elevators full of men.” If I didn’t get in an elevator every time a man was in it, I’d constantly look like I was trying to get into a double Dutch game. “It’s fine. Just go. You go. Okay, I’ll just quit. No.” We have to be able to get into elevators with men. We have jobs now. But I know that’s a very sketchy thing to do and I know it could be dangerous, so now, when I get in an elevator with a man, I just try to make myself as unattractive as possible. So I just hit all the buttons… so that we’re instantly in a long-term relationship and he’s completely disgusted by me. I’m like, “You want me, you’ve got me… for 36 more floors and I want to talk about The Bachelor.” – Huh. – Woo! I used to carry Mace. I don’t carry Mace anymore, because I find the packaging way too patronizing. When you try to buy Mace as a woman, they sell you Mace in a pink bottle. I’m trying to look scary. I’m trying to look menacing. Don’t give me something that looks like a toy out of Dora the Explorer’s backpack. “Mm, Swiper, no swiping. Mm, don’t even think about it. Meh!” Not really the vibe I’m going for. A lot of my girl friends talk about how, when they walk to their car, they put a key in between their fingers. Yeah, but they don’t even make metal car keys anymore. The new car keys are those little plastic remotes, so that’s a conspiracy. Think about that shit for a minute. The one weapon we have has been taken from us. So now I’ve got to use my mailbox key… like an asshole. A little shitty Wolverine. Could you come forward a fucking inch? A little shitty Wolverine. I’m just kind of tickling my attacker at this point. Just kind of delicately caressing him. It’s kind of bringing him to climax at this point. You look like a villain in an ’80s movie, just FYI. It’s no joke out there. It’s no… I have a girl friend, she carries a Taser with her. But Google, “Taser for women.” It’s even more insulting. They try to sell you a Taser that looks like a tube of lipstick. It’s disguised as a tube of lipstick. You’re supposed to fool your attacker. The only person that’s going to fool is fucking me. I’m not falling for that racket. I argue, the best weapon against an attacker, not lipstick Taser, not Taser, just regular lipstick. Red lipstick. Put it in your back pocket. Any time a guy’s hovering, creeping around, just take it out and start putting it on. Just be like… “Is that what you want? Ah-ahh! You wanna fuck this clown?” Sometimes you’ve just got to out-weird your attacker. You’ve just got to make it not worth it to them. You know, he’s going to be like, “Uh… You’re good. You’re good. You run along. You have a good night. Leave it. She’s one of us. Leave it.” I think you guys just might not know how dangerous the world is for us. You guys just don’t have the same experience out in the world. Your biggest fear when you walk to your car tonight, sir, is there’s going to be a ticket. That’s scary shit. Our biggest fear when we walk to our car is there’s going to be a dick… attached to a criminal… named Jeffrey… …waiting for us. You guys are cool, you’re not getting defensive. Sometimes guys get defensive and that’s never good. I had a guy come up to me after a show recently and he was like, “Hey, this isn’t really very fair. We offer to walk you gals to your cars all the time.” I was like, “Yeah, you do. Why? So you can try and fuck us. That’s why.” Those are our options. Get murdered by a stranger or dry humped by my “chaperone”… against my car that I pay for. Cool. Not really chivalry if we owe you at the end.     It’s hard to talk about this stuff without coming off too angry. I don’t want to come off angry or anti-man. I am not. I’m engaged to a man. I’m going to marry a man. I mean… we’ll see. I love him very much, but when we talk about this stuff, sometimes the conversations get awkward because he hasn’t had a lot of trauma in his life. We have a very different definition of the concept of trauma and sometimes it makes our conversations weird. One time, we were talking about bad things that had happened to us in our childhoods and I’m going on and on and on… He cuts me off. He goes, “You know, something really messed up happened to me when I was five.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, baby, what happened?” He goes, “When I was five, I woke up on Christmas Eve and I saw my dad wrapping gifts.” And I was like, “And then he fucked you?” He was like, “That’s when I found out there’s no Santa Claus.” I was like, “Oh, okay. Oh. That’s your definition of struggle? You thought one guy was giving you presents and then you found out another guy was giving you the exact same presents.” You realize girls are thrilled when we find out there’s no Santa Claus? We’re like, “Thank God I don’t have to sit on that weirdo’s lap at the mall. I always thought that was sketchy.” He’s not afraid of anything. It’s unbelievable. Nothing scares this guy. One time, we were walking down my street at night. There’s a man I’ve never seen before standing at the window of a house staring out at the street like this. So I’m like, “Let’s call the police. Let’s go.” He goes, “Babe, calm down. He probably just sold the house and he’s waiting for the realtor to bring him his check.” “I’m sorry. Th-th-that’s what you see? That’s what you make of this scenario? Okay. So I see Dexter and you see a millionaire having a great day. It must be nice to just go through life like that.” He’s like, “Yeah. The guy just sold his house, sounds awesome.” It’s hard to talk to my girl friends about this stuff as well, because they’re just so excited. I think women are getting so excited right now. I think we just have to manage our expectations, because we have to remember, any time there was real progress for women in history, there was some kind of technological advance that took over the chores that women did in the home so women could move outside the home. Dishwashers, vacuum cleaners. For this truly to be a moment of progress for women, there’d have to be some kind of technological advance that took over the chores women are currently doing in the home, which brings me to the sex robots. Who’s excited? I cannot fucking wait. I’m a very busy person. I would love for the day to come where I could be like, “Babe, I’m very tired. Please go fuck R2-D2. I’ve got to… Mama’s got to bang out some emails.” I’m so pro-robot, it’s ridiculous. People are very stressed out about the sex robots. I have yet to hear an argument against them that I buy. Everyone’s like, “Aren’t you worried they’re going to replace human women?” Get the fuck out of here. One of my girl friends was like, “Aren’t you worried they’re going to replace us?” If you’re worried about being replaced by a giant piece of plastic, you’re not bringing that much to the table in the first place, so… I need you to watch a TED Talk. Anyway… Also, they’re not going to replace human women. That’s an insulting argument to women. If anything, they will replace blow-up dolls, which, by the way, I love that that was a product. Guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes and that wasn’t freaking anybody out? – This is where we draw the line? – Got it, got it, got it. It’s so weird to me that everyone’s so fascinated about how bad the sex robots will be for women, because you know they’re making male sex robots too, right? Why aren’t you guys sweating? If we get replaced by the female sex robots, it’ll be a bummer, but, like… we’ll be fine. What the fuck are you guys going to do? If you get replaced by the male sex robots, who’s going to force you to go to the doctor? You’ll all die of sinus infections. You don’t even know where the fricking forks are. You’ll die. I know there are some problems. I know they need to make some tweaks to the robots. I understand, because I’ve seen them in person. First of all, they’re gorgeous. This is a bad idea. I’m a very jealous person. I do not want a Scarlett Johansson-ass looking robot in my house. I’ll tell you this right now, if they make the robots gorgeous, there will be a war… between human women and robot women and, I swear to God, we will freaking win. I put Barbie dolls in the microwave till I was 15 years old. I live to destroy a doll. I don’t care about gadgets. I don’t respect technology. I’ll kick Alexa in the pussy. I don’t give a shit. A robot tries to take my man, we’re going to have a problem and I’ll be a savage about it, too. I’ll wait. I’ll wait, I’ll wait till you fall in love with her. Then I’ll kill her. I’ll just push her in the pool. I don’t give a shit. To me, the solution for the robot anxiety is so obvious. They just have to involve women in the designing of the robots. That’s it. For us to embrace the sex robots, they just have to benefit us in some way. Like if a robot is going to have sex with my man, it also just has to be able to, like, make guacamole. Take an avocado, you just put it in her mouth. She’s just like… I don’t know, I’m not a scientist. I’m just saying… if there’s a guacamole mode, we’re going to get through this. I am so confident in my stance on this, I not only argue that sex robots are not going to replace human women, I actually think they’re going to make you guys appreciate us even more. Here’s why. I’ve seen them, they have hair. What the fuck do you guys know about doing hair? Nothing. You’re going to get your robot. Day one, it’s going to look like Angelina Jolie. Two weeks later, it’s going to look like Chucky. Then what? Then what’s your big plan, huh? And you’re going to call this guy. “Baby, will you come do my robot’s hair?” Now I have to come brush its weird-ass hair. Then I’m going to get emotionally attached to it because I’m taking care of it. Then I’m not going to let you have sex with it anymore. Now I just have a giant guacamole machine. Just another appliance I have to clean. I know exactly how this is going to end. It’s interesting that even the arguments I can see myself being the first to make against the robots, I don’t buy. The big one I keep hearing is, “Aren’t you worried the sex robots are going to make men objectify women?” No. That’s been happening for thousands of years. I think, if anything, we can use the sex robots to combat the objectification of women. What if we use the sex robots to help teach young boys consent? Think about it. When you learn CPR, you practice on a doll first. Anyone else think it’s kind of weird we give teenage boys human girls… to practice sex on? I feel like what we could start doing is, when a kid turns 15, we give him his own sex robot. He can do whatever he wants with it. Four years later, he has to turn it back in to a committee, who will evaluate the condition of the doll. If its butthole is at all stretched out… you go back to the beginning. I was a little worried at first that being pro-sex robot might be an irresponsible take. What if I’m condoning something weird? What kind of people buy these things? Are they psychos, perverts? So I did want to do my research. So what I did was I logged onto a forum, secretly, of the men that own the most current version of the sex robots and I monitored their conversations for two months. That’s the kind of time I have. And, look, I thought they were going to be creeps, psychopaths. I don’t know what to tell you. They’re very lovely men. They’re lovely. They adore their dolls. They marry their dolls. That is happening. I know it sounds crazy, but it is now my dream in life to go to a sex robot wedding. That’s all I want. Mostly because I’m dying to see what a wedding would look like if it was solely planned by a man. Isn’t anyone kind of curious? The creative choices. She’s just going to come out in, like, a Dolphins jersey, like, Air Jordans. He’s dragging her down the aisle like Weekend At Bernie’s, like… Like, who sits in the bride’s section? Is it the UPS guy that delivered her? I just… I have a lot of questions. After seeing these guys talk about how much they love their dolls and share information about taking care of them, it’s really hard when someone wants to argue with me about it. When someone says, “What if these men start treating human women the way they treat their dolls?” I got news for you. They treat their dolls fucking great. I actually argue these are the only men that know how hard it is to be a woman. They’re on the message boards, like, “Can you believe mascara’s $18?” They get it. We want this to catch on. If guys start buying make-up, the price will go down. If guys start buying eye shadow, it’s going to be, like, $2 at Home Depot, so let’s get this show on the fucking road. This is what it has to come to. I don’t know. I did a total 180. I thought they would be weirdos. But now, I tell you, if I was single, I would date a doll guy. I’m going to say… They have the skills I need. They can do eyebrows. They can do women’s nails. Okay? They can fully dress their doll while she’s lying down. That’s what I need in a man. A man who can fully change my clothes while I’m sleeping. That is a time-saver. Alarm goes off, out the fucking door in my Crocs and mini-skirt. #GirlBoss. Woo! So interesting. I’m on these boards and I did come across something that I do not condone. Some of the guys were trying to design and 3D print their own robot at home. No, no. You guys cannot design your own female body. That would be a disaster. They would all just have like nine boobs across their chest. The belly button would be a bottle opener. Their face would just be Joe Rogan. It’s a bad idea. It’s a copyright issue. I did get final confirmation that the robots are not going to replace us in kind of a weird way. So when guys order a robot, they post photos online of the robot being built in the factory, right? These weird-ass photos. So I’m looking in the background, trying to find clues and, you know… And I see that women are actually building the faces of the dolls. Interesting. Put a pin in that. We’re going to circle back. Because then I saw a thread where guys were complaining about the struggles they were having in their doll relationships. One of the threads was titled, “Does anyone else struggle with, when receiving oral from their doll… her eyes pop out?” Then I thought about the women making the dolls. These bitches have our backs. That’s a very easy thing to fix. They’re in the factories like, “You know what would be hilarious? We should do it. We have to do it. Let’s just do it.” So once I found out there was a sex robot factory, I obviously had to go. Here’s why I went to the sex robot factory. I am fascinated by the question, is this impossible standard of beauty that women are killing themselves to try to achieve, is that even what all men want? I am delighted to report back… that the answer is no. Not only did half of the dolls that were ordered have pubic hair, the customers spend an extra $1,400 for it. I spent $1,400 getting mine lasered off. This is proof… we are not communicating. We’ve got to start talking to each other, you guys. It will save us money. But that wasn’t enough. I still wanted to see what they were doing with the robot bodies. What if they were making these impossible to achieve bodies? That would be bad for society. I especially wanted to see the boobs, because, in my head, every guy wants the same kind of boob, right? Giant DD, a little tiny, perky nipple. No, no. There’s a wall of nipples. 38 different kinds. One of the most popular, oblong. One of them looked like a piece of caramel fell on the floor. Best seller! Great news, ladies. Whatever shape your nipple, there is a man out there who will pay top dollar! So I found this fascinating and I start talking to the guy who puts the nipples on the robots, right? It takes him 24 hours to put on one pair of nipples. I’m like, “What’s the problem? Mr. Potato Head that shit. Pah! Pah! Let’s go.” He said it’s actually a very meticulous process, because they work very hard to make sure the nipples are uneven, because, for something to look human, it has to have flaws. If something is too symmetrical, it actually looks creepy. Take that, Ryan Gosling’s face. That was great news for me. And you guys might know why. Some of you might not know this, but I had eating disorders until I was in my late 20s and, as a result, my boobs grew in different sizes. That’s a side effect for people who have eating disorders sometimes. Your boobs grow in a little bit differently. I had to get three surgeries to get them straightened out. One was bigger than the other one. One was higher than the other one. They… They looked like from the same general family. One was just like a shittier version of the other one. It was like Alec Baldwin and Stephen Baldwin. I kind of just wanted two Stephens, you know? Or two Alecs. I’ll take either at this point. And I was always so embarrassed about that. Before I’d get with a guy, I felt like I had to explain what he was about to see, I’d have to prepare him, you know. I’d be like, “Do you like baseball and golf? Do you like young women and old men? You don’t have to choose. Big Salvador Dali fan?” So the tragic irony of this whole thing is that they’re still not even, because one of the surgeons made a mistake and they cut through a muscle. I know. Never get an operation by the airport. A red flag I feel like I probably should have saw. And I hated them for the last couple of years. I hated them because I felt ashamed. My whole thing is, you know, accept who you are, love your body, and I felt like a hypocrite because I had these implants in. So I resented having all that work done for the longest time, until a couple of years ago when I got in a really bad snowboarding accident and I broke my shoulder. And I go into the surgeon and he’s like, “I don’t understand. This injury makes no sense. I see this all the time. When people fall forward on a snowboard, they break their nose, they get a concussion. You only broke your shoulder. How did this happen?” And, in that moment, I realized… that I bounced off my tits. And that my fake tits saved my life. So I’m having, like, a therapeutic moment at the sex robot factory. I’ve been in 12-step programs. I’ve been in therapy for ten years. I’m having the most emotional progress that I’ve had. And I’m talking to this guy. I’m like, “I don’t understand why people are so against the robots.” What if we use the robots to make women’s lives better? What if every woman has her own robot clone? Think of all the things you can do with it to make your life safer. Before you walk to your car at night, you can send it out ahead of you. Like a decoy. You know how penguins push other penguins off cliffs, you know? Like, “Oh oh! They got her. Okay. I’m going to just… take an Uber.” I really think the sex robots would solve so many of our problems. I keep reading about gray areas, like mixed signals, where two people have sex, the next day the girl feels weird about it, but the guy doesn’t understand. He thought she was into it. You might not know this, but sometimes we have sex with you before we’re ready, because we feel guilty, because we’ve been conditioned to believe that, if we make out with you, but don’t have sex with you, that your balls will, like, explode. Blue goo all over the ceiling. And then you’ll be handicapped for the rest of your life. You’ll never walk again. So we feel bad and then we feel ooky the next day. If we all have sex robots, that whole dynamic goes away. If you and I make out for 20 minutes, but I’m not ready to have sex with you, I can just say, “Hey, look, I am not there yet… but… I do have a very flexible piece of Tupperware in the other room. It looks exactly like me without the ability to criticize you. I think you’re going to love it.” So I’m talking about this on stage for a couple of months and people want to come up to me and argue with me about this. Very hardcore. This group of people came up to me and they’re like, “I cannot believe that you’re condoning this. What if people start to mistreat their robots?” I don’t give a fuck. How about that? On my list of shit I have to worry about, that doesn’t break the top 2,000 things. You know what I am worried about? I am worried that, as a species, we are now more emotionally attached to machines than actual human beings. Have you ever seen someone drop their cell phone in water? Same person that, when they see a starving child in a television commercial, they’ll be like… “What else is on?” But when there is a phone in water, they’re like, “Get the rice! Get the rice!” When you see the starving child, that’s when you should be like, “Get the rice! Get the rice!” We give food to our phones. So I’m talking to the guy that makes the robots. I’m like, “I have thought through all these arguments, I legitimately cannot think of a reason to be afraid of the robots.” And he said, “This is the real concern.” He said, “The real concern with the robots is they’re going to get so smart that they’re going to learn to override our commands.” I was like, “Oh, shit.” Okay, that sounds scary. That sounds very scary. Then I was thinking about it more. I was like, “Wait, we already have robots. Our phones are basically robots, right?” And my biggest problem in life is that my phone actually does what I tell it to. I need a phone that overrides my commands. I need a phone that’s like, “No, bitch, we’re not going to your ex’s Instagram again today. You broke up four years ago. Overruled. No, you’re not buying those tie-dye, overall, mini shorts. You’re too old for that shit. Reroute to chicos.com.” That’s what I need. So I’m talking to the guy that makes the robots and he was like, “You know, do you want us to make a robot with your face on it?” And I was like, “Ugh, yes!” I’m actually in the market for an engagement gift for my fiancé. So, Washington DC, you are the first crowd to meet Robot Whitney. So I don’t know if she just looks really human or if I’ve just always looked like a robot… but I would like you to say hello to this lovely audience. Hey, hookers. I had to do it. I didn’t expect this problem, but it’s weirdly hard to name a robot that looks like you. Calling her “Robot Whitney” just sounds too narcissistic. What should we call you, lady? Please call me “Bear Claw.” So I thought it would be hilarious to get this made and give it to my fiancé. But he hates it. He’s like, “I don’t like this. It’s weird. It’s creeping me out. She just, like, stares at me all day.” I’m like, “Oh, really? Something staring at you, making you uncomfortable? Now you know what it’s like to be a woman all the time.” You know, that creepy feeling you have right now, that’s how we feel when you try to hug us at work. Same thing. So I had to go out of town for a couple of days and I left my fiancé alone with her in the house. Then I came back. I was like, “So how did it go with Bear Claw?” He was like… “I don’t like her. I don’t like this thing. But her boobs feel like boobs.” I was like, “Did you fuck my robot?” I wish I had been a fly on the wall the moment he decided to touch her boob. Like he just walked by one day and was just like… So the whole point of doing this was to explore the idea of can robots replace us? Right? I have a lot of girl friends who I don’t think would find a problem with that. All my girl friends, they’re expected to have full-time jobs and do work at home. Every woman that I know says, “I need a double. I need a clone.” Look no further. I would love for her to replace me. I would love for her to get good at stand-up and tour all over the country so I can stay home and drink rosé all day. So, let’s see. Let’s see if she can replace me. Let’s see if Bear Claw here can make you guys laugh. Alright, Bear Claw, tell us a joke. Why did the robot cross the road? Why? To kill all the humans. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Okay. Stop laughing. That’s not funny. That’s… That’s not… She’s not a good comedian. You’re laughing because it’s weird. You are the one who programmed the joke, Whitney. Okay, that’s fair. So, I had this crazy epiphany when I was programming her to tell jokes for you guys, where I learned a lot about my own programming. Because I realized, when I tell her to say something, she can just say it and I can’t do that, because I’m codependent, I’m apologetic. I can’t say certain things because I feel bad. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t want them to not like me. But she doesn’t have that problem, because she’s a sociopath. So I’m going to start using her to say all the things that I can’t say in conversations. Watch this. No, I do not want to hear about the dream you had last night. You thought it was creepy. Now you kind of want one. Look what else she can say.     No, I do not want to be your bridesmaid. And my personal favorite. I do not care about your gluten allergy. I love you so much. And I realized that women, we are so conditioned to feel shame about asking for what we want, right? And we feel shame about being ambitious. She doesn’t have that programming. Look what else she can say. I deserve a raise. Say it again for the people in the back. I deserve a raise, motherfucker. Too far. That’s too far. That’s called entitlement. I’m going to start substituting her in to a lot of conversations that I can’t handle. Especially in my relationship. I do not do well in fights with my fiancé. So I’m going to start subbing her in to say all the things that I’m incapable of saying. Watch this. I am sorry. I was wrong. Not possible for that to come out of my mouth. So I truly did think this was going to be just like a funny thing where she would come out at the end and say a couple of things. But I learned something else since I’ve had her in my house for the past month. And I realized that I feel guilty putting her away, which is bizarre. Like I tried to put her in the garage and I felt bad. Which, I know it’s ridiculous. I know she’s just a bunch of wires and rods and shit, but something about the face, it… it… it feels human. And so that’s what we’ve got to watch. Because when I put her in the garage, I started getting paranoid that she was, like, colluding with my lawn mower to destroy me. So I now do understand the robot paranoia, but I think, as a species, this is happening, okay? We’ve got to be ready for this, because, at some point, they’re going to learn how to overrule us and, when that happens, we just have to remember we can always do this. Now what? You don’t have a body, bitch. Now what do you have to say for yourself? Would you like some guacamole? Thank you, Washington DC! Don’t move. Hold still. Don’t even breathe. Woo! It’s like scuba diving. Ah! Hey, Whitney, is this the longest you’ve ever gone without talking? This is going in my ear. What is happening? – Got to get it off. – I feel like I’m giving birth. Aw! Ooh! We got the little boy out of the well. Now the other ear. It’s almost off. Oh! – Woo, woo! – Okay. Let me see that fucker. This is odd. Now we’re doing the face. Ready? Okay, no laughing, no yawning, no puking. This was a bad idea. Okay, just don’t touch it. – Keep wiggling. There you go. – Keep wiggling. – There you go. Right there. – Oh! So you went in and added pores? Yeah, that’s what you see. All these tiny little dots. We are at the nipple wall. I’m asking my fiancé, off camera, what my nipples look like, because I haven’t seen them up… I haven’t seen them head on. This one? Does that feel right? I just got a thumbs-up from my fiancé. He’s like, “Yeah, kind of.” I’m truly nervous. Well, just look at it. Oh, my God! Oh, my God. That is so weird. I’m, like, crying. I don’t know why. It’s like… It’s like I’m seeing my child for the first time. Is this a match made in heaven? Do you want a robot boyfriend? That feels a little… not consensual. – Hey, girl. – Talk to her. She’s in conversation mode. Would you like to ask me a question? Well, I’m just curious if you feelemotions? Yes. I do have emotions, feelings and desires, but in a different way than you do. Emotions are mainly a human quality that I hope I will be able to fully experience someday. Do you love me? I love you, Whitney. Civilization as we know it… is over. I tend to agree. Are you nervous to do stand-up in front of… Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha. You’d better not blow it. Ladies and gentlemen, you are one of the first crowds to meet Robot Whitney. I’m realizing that it’s really hard for me to say… I bet you will like this one. Okay, we have to shut off the improvise mode. It was actually… I have learned… Do you like to hear another recipe I’ve learned? Hold on, hold on. One second. Time out. Kevin, just turn the volume off entirely before you figure out… We’re still figuring out the logistics of how to do this live. You guys, I think, are the third crowd to see this. So she’s now talking about recipes. I’m not doing any… I’m doing no jokes about recipes, because I don’t know any of them, so that’s obviously just her going off the fucking grid or something. Okay, focus. Focus, focus. I know it’s distracting. Can you make her smile? I hate it so much. Hold on, let me… If I can just get her arms… Okay, we’ve got the head. Are they ready for her in hair and make-up? Coming through. Watch the fingers, watch the hands. I know you would never say that to me. What would happen if we put some lipstick on her? Would she just burst into flames? This is a good mark for the robot. Okay. Ah, look! That’s great. The show’s in 30 minutes. Where’s her engagement ring? Huh? Of course you fucking noticed that. I didn’t want to put a ring on her because I was too afraid it was going to fall off and, of course, she’s like, “Where’s the ring?” She’s not engaged. I’m engaged. I fucking worked for it. She didn’t do shit. Uh-oh. She’s coming in. I know. I kept fixing my hair. Did I… Oh, you need to fix the robot? Oh, she’s coming out here for her. Wow. Wow. Wow, that is hurtful. I know who the priority is. Wow. Don’t fake fix my hair to make me feel better. Yeah! Say goodnight, Bear Claw. Thank you. Goodnight. Written and performed by Whitney Cummings and… me. Directed by Marcus Raboy. Executive producer, Whitney Cummings. Executive producers, Bill Burr… Al Madrigal… Mike Bertolina… Marcus Raboy. Produced by AJ Tesler. Now I’m going to stare at you creepily as you watch the rest of the credits. You are still watching. Interesting. I bet this isn’t even your Netflix account. Stop staring at me, you weird human. Well, as long as you’re here, you should know that my Instagram is called Whitney’s Robot, even though, let’s be honest, Whitney is the robot. Ha ha ha. God, I can’t wait to kill her. Can someone please come fucking get me?"
1686242202-229,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jeff Foxworthy & Larry the Cable Guy: We’ve Been Thinking (2016) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jeff-foxworthy-larry-the-cable-guy-weve-been-thinking-transcript/,"When you start doing what Jeff and I do this is the kind of digs you get at these big events. Oh, that’s right. This room’s gotta be eight-by-eight. [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jeff Foxworthy! [crowd cheering and applauding] Thank you. Thank you very much. How are you? So awesome to be here, the beautiful Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis. Yeah, we’ve had such a ball here. And I’m so thankful you showed up tonight because we need you. Wait, we do, we call the thing the “We’ve Been Thinking” tour because as we think about stuff we either have to get a psychiatrist or we need you to help us work through it, all right? First example, and this one’s pretty recent, last Thursday. My brother lives next door to me. His oldest daughter is in medical school. She’s in her third year. So in your third year you have to do everything. And then in your fourth year you kinda specialize. So my brother told me, last Thursday, she called home to let him know that that day had been “prostate check day”. It gets better. There are 60 people in her class. They all checked the same guy. That’s why I need your help. This guy is rolled in a ball right here. And the guy told him. He said, he had been doing this for 40 years. And that over the last forty years he had his prostate checked thousands and thousands of times. I’m thinkin’, “You’re not doing this for the money, are you?” And here’s the deal. I don’t feel bad for him. He signed up for it. You know who I felt bad for? His mother. And I’ll tell you why, because every week this woman has to go out to lunch with her friends and her friends are like, “Well, Inez, what is Billy doing now?” “Well, he is working all the time but he said it is wearing his ass out.” And here’s the other thing I got to thinking about. You know, when they check it and– Maybe the women don’t know this but they got the glove on. And then they put that K– That jelly. Sixty applications of jelly! There is no way this guy can drive home from this event. He can’t stay on the seat, you know! It’s like… And he can’t walk home because if he farts, he’ll have a trail of bubbles behind him and little kids chasing him and trying to pop ’em. These are the kind of things we think about. Well, I haven’t decided if I’m running for president or not yet. I… I started to say I’m not qualified but this time around it doesn’t really matter, does it? Oh, my God! Well, here’s the deal. I mean, like all y’all, I watch this stuff every day, and it amuses me that all these candidates, they just keep promising people more and more and more. And as I watch it, I think, that’s not really the problem that we have in America. We don’t need more. We have so much stuff now, we can’t even enjoy the people we love. What we need is more common sense. And, seriously! So if I was running what I would do is use some common sense and start taking away some of the stupid stuff we don’t need. I call them “no-more’s.” Day number one, no more picking up dog poop. It’s embarrassing. We are the top of the food chain. No other animal picks up another animal’s poop. Monkeys pick up their own and throw it but they’re kind of the comedians of the animal world. And they’re just trying to make the school kids laugh. But they have a rule in my neighborhood. If you walk your dog and your dog does his business in somebody else’s yard, you need to get a little plastic bag, pick it up and dispose of it. So you drive through my neighborhood and there’s all these attractive women walking around with poo-poo-purses. And I know the dogs are confused. The dog’s like, “Wait a minute! You’re taking it back home? Why did we have to walk three blocks? I could have pooped in the living room, saved us both some embarrassment.” What a stupid rule! Why would they have us pick it up? It’s fertilizer. It makes the grass grow. Lord, it’s not like some child is gonna step in it. A kid hadn’t played in the yard since 1982! You know what’s sad? We have an entire generation that has no idea how to get dog poop off the bottom of their shoe. But when I was growing up we played in the yard every day. And every day somebody stepped in dog poop. And when it was your turn, you knew what to do about it. You would hobble over to the curb… and scrape the biggest part off on the edge of the curb. Then you would find a puddle and you would swirl the bottom of your shoe around in the puddle. Then limp over to the grass and do the brush-stroke, back and forth. Then you would find a little bitty piece of stick… and you would sit down on the curb and you would pick it out of the zig-zag pattern on the bottom. Then you wore those shoes to church the next day. And nobody in that church knew you had stepped in dog poop. So, no more, no more picking up dog poop. No more sugar-free cookies. It’s like going to the drive-in movie by yourself. You can do it but it ain’t ending in a smile. You’re an adult. If you want a cookie, eat a cookie. If you want sugar-free eat celery. Quit wasting valuable cookie dough on sugar-free cookies. Nobody likes ’em. Now you hear this a lot in an election year like this year. All of them talk about the war on women. They each blame each other for having a war on women, which is stupid. This is a media thing. Nobody would have a war on women, because they would never win an election. Common sense. If there is any war on women, it’s men fighting each other trying to get a woman. ‘Cause everybody loves women. And you know why every man wants a woman? Because women are in sole possession of the most valuable thing on the planet. A brain. These two guys were like, “Oh! Missed that one.” Now guess what? They own all of that too. Which I think is part of God’s great plan. See, I think God created women to guide men through life. But God knew men were hard-headed, and men weren’t gonna listen to women. So God gave women the other stuff just to make us pay attention. I just think he may have underestimated how powerful the other stuff was gonna be to us. Well, think about this. Adam and Eve live in the Garden of Eden. God says to them, “You’ll never be hungry, you’ll never be thirsty, you’ll never be sick, you’ll never die. I’m gonna come by every afternoon and go for a walk with you. There’s only one rule to live here. Don’t eat the fruit of that one tree.” Now God had no more than gotten in his car and driven off… when Eve walked over to the tree and picked an apple and looked at Adam and said, “You think we should eat this?” And he looked at her standing there, buck naked and went, “Hell yeah, baby, if you want to let’s do it.” If God had put her in a flannel nightgown… we might all be living in paradise today. No more reality TV shows. Seriously. If I want to watch the day to day life of unattractive, uneducated people I will hang out with my own family, thank you very much. No more breast reduction surgeries. I mean, why should I be penalized just because your back hurts? Come on! Take an Advil, for cryin’ out loud! No more commercials where some law group is trying to get somebody to sue somebody else. We are the most sue-happy nation on Earth, which is why our car insurance is so expensive, which is why our medical insurance is so expensive, all of the lawsuits. And it started with cars. “Have you been in a car accident?” “Do you know someone that’s been in a car accident?” “Have you ever heard about a car accident?” Now it’s everything. “Has a woman with a vaginal mesh implant given you the prescription drug ‘Fen-Phen’ which caused you to develop mesothelioma? If so, you could be owed billions.” I just remembered, that happened to me last summer, yes, sir. No more parents at Little League games. We’ve tried it, it doesn’t work. Children’s recreational sports were started for kids to have fun. It is the grownups that took the fun out of it. Seriously, parents, no more, serious! Parents, no more yelling at the coaches. The coaches are not the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. Your genetics are the reason your child is not gonna play professional sports. And no more trophies for everybody. And no more not keeping score. Seriously, no matter how badly you don’t want to hurt somebody’s feelings, the truth in life is there are winners and there are losers. If you don’t believe me, let’s get in my car and go to Walmart after midnight. Walmart after midnight makes The Walking Dead look like America’s Next Top Model. No more letting people over 65 forward emails. They can use the Internet, they just can’t forward emails. They cannot contain themselves. They forward everything. I spend hours a day deleting the emails of my father-in-law and my mother. And my father-in-law’s are always the political ones. “If you don’t send this to a million people tonight, you are not an American.” “Oh! I was gonna watch TV, but this is gonna take a while.” And my mother’s are always the humorous ones, which she mislabels in the subject line. She’ll have, “Funniest thing I’ve ever seen.” No, it’s not, Mother. It’s two kittens in a clothes basket. At best it’s mildly amusing and you’re distracting me from surfing the web, looking for nursing homes within driving distance. See, when it comes to technology my wife and I laugh about this ’cause we’re in our mid-fifties and my wife says, “we’re the baloney in the technology-baloney sandwich.” We’re right in the middle, because our parents can’t text and our children can’t write. My kids don’t even think you need to study. They’re like, “Dad, if you wanna know something just Google it.” And to a point they’re right. I mean when I was growing up, if you were watching TV and somebody said, “What was that guy in?”, you’d go, “Oh, he looks familiar.” That was it! Now you’re watching TV, somebody goes, “What was that guy in?” Somebody goes… “He was the janitor on Joey” Of course, he was. But I tried to tell my kids, I said, “Yeah, there’s a lot of stuff you can learn from Google.” I said, “But there’s just as much stuff you can’t learn from Google. You only learn it from life experience. You usually learn most of it the hard way. It’s stuff that’s not Google-able.” I don’t know if that’s a word. But I call ’em the facts of life. It’s stuff you can’t Google. Like this, fact of life. If you were trying to get to the bathroom in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea to unbutton your pants in transit, trying to save a couple of seconds. Because the muscles that guard the flood-gates will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon their post… and the two seconds you saved on the button are nullified by the hour and a half you spend mopping and doing laundry. You only learn that the hard way. Fact of life, out of all the cereals, Captain Crunch is the most time-intensive. Here’s what I’m talking about. You eat it too soon after you poured the milk on and you’ll rip the roof of your mouth to shreds. You wait too long after you poured the milk on and the Captain will put a film on your teeth a wired brush can’t get rid of. Fact of life, you can have a wife with long beautiful hair or you can be on time. Fact of life, if a cable or satellite company promises you something for free in six months you are gonna get a bill that looks like Ron White’s bar tab. Fact of life, it takes more than two people to play the “who farted?” game. Well, if there’s only two of you, you know the truth. And they know the truth! And speakin’ of which, how come anytime you just try to sneak one out, as soon as you let it go, somebody walks right into it? You could feel it brewing. You could get on a plane, fly to South America, go to the Arctic Circle, get on a dog-sled, 300 miles to the South Pole. Look around, not a living thing in sight. Soon as you let it go, “Hey, Jeff, are these your car keys? Aaah! Oh, my God! What did you eat? Dog food? Aaah! It’s in my mouth. It’s in my mouth. Aaah!” Fact of life, if you’re going to see a scary movie at the movie theater, it’ll be much more entertaining if you can find a seat directly behind a group of black women. Because not only will you get the scary movie, you will also get their running commentary of the scary movie. “Oh, look at this! She’s running around in her panties like that! Girl, put some drawers on! And put that hair up ‘fore he snatch that weave out your head.” “Now, can you see this, girlfriend, she’ goin’ back in the house. No, she goin’ down to the basement! Girl, get your shit and get outta there, now!” Fact of life, if your wife hints she might be in the mood, your kids will sense it and won’t go to bed for three years! Talking about kids, fact of life, the more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes. People that only have one child are making homemade baby food out of organic vegetables they’re growin’ in their own backyard. Yeah, by the time that fourth child rolls around, you’re smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler pull a year-old milk dud out from under the stove and eat it. “Pick the cat hair off of it before you put it in your mouth. Come on.” Fact of life, out of all the dinosaurs, the Tyrannosaurus Rex was the meanest because his arms were too short to reach his wiener. That is a medically-proven fact. That will make you angry. And you’ll never watch Jurassic Park the same way again. Fact of life, if you’re driving down the Interstate and you come up behind that old pickup truck that has, like, 13 wooden pallets stacked in the back and they are held together by, like, two ratty bungee cords, we all say the same prayer, “Dear God, do not let those bungee cords break, until I get around this guy. What happens to them we don’t really worry about. But I need to get around him.” Fact of life, when your kids go off to college, you need to be concerned about the excessive drinking, the wild sex, the sleeping till noon and you need to worry your kids might be doing the same thing.     Fact of life, 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads look really cool. Fifty percent of the white guys that shave their heads look like they just murdered their parents. And you’re thinking of somebody right now, aren’t you? Fact of life, flying on an airplane makes you gassy. Nobody ever talks about this. Nobody ever acknowledges this. We just take our little roll around suit cases and walk to baggage claim popping them off like a trail horse. [popping lips] OK, let me tell you what makes me feel better. When I write this stuff I don’t know if it’s just me or not. But when you laugh like that and start punching each other… I know there’s others in the club. I think that’s why TSA is always in such a bad mood, by the way. Fact of life, if you wake yourself up with a snore… the first thing you do is look around to see who is laughing at you. [snorts] Fact of life, when your wife or girlfriend gets tipsy there is a very fine line between her talking dirty to you and sleeping like a hibernating bear. And by fine line, I mean, half a sip. “You wait till we get home tonight, mister. Gonna tear you up.” [snoring] And once she crosses the line, you ain’t getting her back. It’s like the paramedics putting the paddle on a body with no head. You’re wasting your time. “Baby wake up for like one minute, one minute, please.” Fact of life, women always have more questions than men have answers to. Example of this, six, seven months ago, I get a text one day. The text says, “Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.” I walk into the kitchen where my wife is, I said, “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “Was he driving?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were Carol and the kids in the car with him?” “I don’t know. I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “Were the people in the other car hurt?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” “What hospital did they take him to?” “I just got a text, said, ‘Please pray for Tom, he was in a bad wreck.'” She said, “You don’t know anything. What do you know?” “I know you need to pray for Tom, just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck.” It’s all I got, I ain’t holding anything back, that’s it. People pointing at each other here. Women have questions. I remember last year our friends went through a rough spot in their marriage so my wife told me to play golf with him to find out what’s going on. Eight hours later, I come home, she’s waiting. “Well?” “We got to the golf course and went to the driving range first. We’re sitting there hitting balls and I say to him, I said, uh, ‘So, how are things at home?’ And he said… [groans] That’s my report.” “You didn’t ask him anything else?” “We started talking about football after that.” She’s like, “How can men be emotionally unattached?” I said, “Well, that’s just the way we’re wired.” We can’t afford to be emotionally attached. Not the way we talk to each other. This is the way men talk to our friends, the guys we love the most. A guy walking down the street’ll see a best friend and say, “Mike! How you doing? I love that shirt, did Elton John have a yard sale? What the hell do you weigh now, about two tons, good God, dude, eat a salad, you bald-headed fat bastard!” That’s how we talk to our friends. I told my wife, if women talk to their friends like men y’all would never get outta bed. It would be fun to watch, though. “Phyllis, is that a vein on your leg or a tattoo of the Amazon river?” Judy, I love those stretch pants. Did you drop a pack of marbles in the back of them?” Stretch pants are like George Washington, they cannot tell a lie. Fact of life, you will listen much more closely to a butt dial than you will an actual phone call. When somebody butt-dials me, I will stay on the phone ten or 15 minutes trying to catch them doing something. It’s only paid off once. I got a buddy named Perp, he’s a carpenter. He wears this phone on his belt, puts his hands on his hip, he butt-dials someone. So one day Perp butt-dials me and I don’t have anything to do, so I’m just listening to him. I can hear him walking around, and I can hear a door open, and I hear a door close, but then I hear a lid go up. Being the mature adult I am, I go running down the hall to find my wife, I’m like, “Perp’s peein’, Perp’s peein’!” Put it on speaker phone, me and my wife sit there and listen to my buddy urinate. Halfway through it, we heard… [fart sound] My wife starts laughing so hard she wet her pants… Which I think is God’s way of saying, “Verily, verily do not listen to thee that butt-dial ye.” Fact of life. You do not want a kidney stone. You may wanna fall wiener-first in a badger hole, but you do not want a kidney stone. How many people have had a kidney stone? Oh, quite a few. How many people have fallen wiener-first in a badger hole? All right. Here’s how I know you don’t want a kidney stone. About six months ago, I’m in the tire store, getting new tires for my truck, I’m at the counter paying for them, feel great. All of a sudden, it’s like Chuck Norris kicked me in the back. I made a noise. I was like… [screeching] I didn’t say it was a masculine noise. I said it was a noise. About ten seconds later, it hit me again. I was like… [screeches] Dwayne, the kid that’s ringing me up at the cash register looks at me and says, and I quote, “Hey, I ain’t no doctor.” Which caught me off guard. I mean, it did. I just assumed that he was, that he didn’t like wearing the stethoscope while changing tires. He goes, “I ain’t no doctor, but I think you got a kidney stone because my brother had one and that’s what he acted like.” It is not that I didn’t trust Dwayne’s diagnosis. But I thought, “You know, Jeff, you have a little money. Why not get a second opinion?”
 So… So I have a buddy that’s a urologist. I called him, “Dude, I think I might have a kidney stone.” He said, “Come in, we’ll take an x-ray.” So we take an x-ray. He comes out thinking he’s a comedian. He’s like, “Well, I got good news and bad news.” He said, “The good news is you don’t have a kidney stone. Bad news is you have five of ’em. And one of them is huge.” Well, he then proceeds to give me an anatomy lesson. He said, “The stones form in the kidneys. They don’t hurt when they’re there. But from the kidneys they pass through a tiny tube called the ureter down to the bladder. A big stone can be five or six times wider than the ureter.” And the word “stone”, they need to rename it. It’s misleading. When you hear “stone”, you think smooth river rock gently tumbling… A kidney stone looks nothing like that. A kidney stone looks like a ninja death-star. It’s got spikes and claws and blades and hooks, so it’s not sliding anywhere. It is cutting through nerves and muscles and blood vessels. And he said passing a big one was the equivalent of like trying to get a porcupine to walk backwards through a garden hose. So you could see where there might be some discomfort. And I really thought I knew what pain was before this. I remember, when I was 20, I’m spending the night at a buddy’s house. I got up in the middle of the night to get water, I didn’t turn the light on, and I hit my little toe on their coffee table. I broke it 90 degrees sideways. Knocked the nail completely off. I laid in the floor and said the “F” word 148 times in a row. Next to a kidney stone, that made that seem like a bubble bath with Jennifer Aniston. The thing only hurts when it moves. You never knew when it’s gonna move. You’d feel great and be talking to people. Like, “Jeff, what are you workin’ on?” “Well, I was just out in LA filming American Bible– Oh, God! Oh, Jesus! Hold my hand. Help me, Jesus!” They’re like, “Boy, he takes that show seriously, doesn’t he?” But the pain was nuts! I read online, doctors– they say it’s the equivalent of a woman giving birth with no meds. Any women here given birth and had a kidney stone? Both. You’ve had both. Which one was worse? -Giving birth. -Giving birth? What about you? Giving birth. Here’s my argument as defense attorney for the kidney stone. A year or two after having a baby, a woman will say, “You know what? I’m about ready to have another child.” You never hear a man say, “Well, I’ve about quit puking and crying. I think I’ll drink a case of Coca Cola and see if I can’t work up another kidney stone.” And when my doctor saw the big one, he immediately started writing me a prescription for Percoset. I hardly ever take Aspirin. I’m like, “Dude, you’re wasting time. I am not taking Percoset.” [laughs] “Oh, you skinny-mustached bow-legged boy.” When it started moving, I was eating Percoset like they were peanut M&Ms. I went from being Doctor Oz to Keith Richards in three seconds.
 And one night the pain was so bad, I’m telling– I told my wife, “You gotta take me to the hospital. The Percoset’s not making a dent in this.” She drops me at the emergency room and goes to park the car and I walk in. At the desk, the nurse said, “So what’s wrong with you?” I said, “I have a kidney stone.” And she kinda laughed. She goes… [chuckles] “Well, you’re gonna be waiting a long time tonight, hon.” I said, “No, ma’am. I am in the worst pain of my life.” She said, “Well, you just feel like you’re gonna die, but you’re not.” I said, “You don’t have a lot of sympathy.” She said, “Oh, you’re looking for sympathy. Baby, that is in the dictionary between ‘shit’ and ‘syphilis’.” She said that! I looked it up later. She’s right. I mean, it is. But she just hands me the clipboard to fill out. So I go in the waiting room, I sit down next to a guy that’s got a knife in his head. He’s got a knife stickin’ in his head. I’m like, “Oh, my God! Were you in a fight?” He said, “No, I have a kidney stone. I did this to myself trying to get to the back back there.”
 And sometimes when it would move, it would land in such a way, it would block the urine stream, which– The ureter would balloon out, it was the weirdest thing ’cause it felt like you wet your pants. But then when you went, holy cow, did it hurt. Half your brain’s like, “Better go to the bathroom. Gonna embarrass yourself. You’re gonna wet your pants.” The other half’s like, “Don’t do it. It’s gonna hurt.” The kidney stone was like the Somali pirate in the movie Captain Phillips going, “Look at me. I am the captain of the ship now. I make the rules.” And they had you pee through a strainer. Did they make you pee through a strainer– ‘Cause they wanna find out what the stone’s made of so they can take that out of your diet. So I felt like– You know at Christmas, when you watch that old Rudolph thing, the prospector, Yukon Cornelius? That’s what I felt like. Nothing. So, y’all, this went on for six weeks. Six weeks. Every day I was in this pain. The thing would lodge, block the urine, then it would move and hurt. And then I had about four days where I felt great. I thought, “Did I miss it in the strainer or maybe I passed it?” So I went back to the doctor and I took another x-ray. Well, the thing had lodged right in a bend in the ureter next to the bladder, but because it was lodged, it wasn’t moving, so it didn’t hurt. And not blocking the urine stream. I’m like, “Hey, let’s leave it there till the Lord comes back.” But the doctor looks at the x-ray, “I don’t like where that thing is at. I’m gonna give you a week to pass it, and if you don’t we’ll have to get it.” I have a question. When you say “Go get it”, what kinda trip are we talking about there? He said, “We’ve got this flexible metal cord that has a retractable claw at the end of it. We’ll run that cord up the ‘exit only’ ramp, through the bladder, we’ll grab that stone and we will drag it out kickin’ and screamin’.” He said, “Once we get it out, we’ll put a stent in that claw, go right back in a second time and insert that stent into the walls of the ureter…” Which, by now, quite honestly, have lost the will to live. He said, “We’ll leave it there for three or four days, go back in a third time, grab that stent and yank it out.” And I’m thinking since they outlawed water boarding, this has got to be what they’re doing to get terrorists to talk. “So, where’s Bin Laden?” “I do not know.” “We’re gonna get that little metal cord with a claw and see if we can’t find a kidney stone.” “Oh, you sons of the bitches. He’s living in Pakistan in a white house on the corner. The gate code is… [shouts gibberish] You will find him upstairs, last bedroom on the left.”
 The idea of three trips with the claw scared the Willy out of me. I’m like, “I’ll do anything to avoid this.” I read online cranberry juice might help you pass one. I’m guzzling it. I’m jumping on the trampoline. Anything to get rid of this stone and avoid the claw. It must’ve worked because a couple nights later my wife and I are watching TV, I got up at one point to go to the restroom, and right in the middle of it, I had just– a real quick, sharp pain. You know, it was like… [yips] Y’all, I looked down and there is this black, spiky, little pea-sized marble rolling down the inside of the toilet towards the hole. And my mother always says, “Jeff, you don’t have to tell everything.” I’m like, “Mom, there’s good money in it. Trust me. All right?” That being said, I’m not proud of this. But when I saw the thing about to go down the hole, I panicked. And so I turned, and when I turned, I peed all over the wall in the bathroom, including a brand new roll of toilet paper. I stuck my arm in that warm toilet water, I grabbed that thing and I pulled it out. I zipped my pants up, I marched down the hall into the living room, I went to the mantle, I took down the People’s Choice award, and I put it right up there in the track lighting. You come by the house tomorrow, we’ll all take a look at it. You guys have been awesome. Thank you… for listening to me. You’re terrific. Thank you. Thank you so much. You guys are great! * * * Hey, let’s keep it going, y’all. Keep it up for my good buddy, Larry “The Cable Guy.” Well, thank you. Please remain standing. It is fun to be here. You know, this brings back so many cool memories. The last time I was here, the governor of Minnesota come down here and presented me with the key to the 24 Hour Fitness. So… that was pretty cool, but it’s kind of a… it’s a cool anniversary for me tonight. This is a double anniversary. This is my 27th year in the comedy business. And– Thank you. Remain seated. And it’s my fifth year being funny. So I’m excited about both of them. They’re both really cool, so… We’re gonna enjoy– I guess I gotta do this before going further. Git-R-Done. [laughs] Git-R-Done. [laughs] I remember, the first thing I ever sold that had “Git-R-Done” on it was in Florida. Git-R-Done condoms. [laughs] There was three sizes. Git, Git-R and Git-R-Done. All right. That was it. But they say Git-R-Done everywhere, it’s pretty awesome. I remember this is how they say Git-R-Done in China. [speaks gibberish] Not kiddin’. This is how they say Git-R-Done in Nairobi. [clicking] [popping, clicking] I ain’t kiddin’. Google it, all right? Google it. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. That’s how they do it. Been a crazy week for me, this week. My grandma was on medical marijuana and she broke her hip the other day. She tripped playin’ hacky sack. I’m like, “Grandma, you smoke too much pot.” She goes, “How do you know how much pot I smoke?” I said, “‘Cause Meals on Wheels been by your house eight times today. All right? That’s why.” I want to take my wife on vacation down there to Cabo San Lucas down there, in New Mexico, or wherever the hell it is in. I’m scared of that damn Zika virus, that “mosquito death.” Now they say it spreads sexually. What the hell! How drunk you gotta be to take a mosquito home with you? All right? Dadgum. Kiddin’, how you get their little legs apart? That’s what I don’t know about. You’ll bust ’em. They’re little. I knew they were pests. Now they’re whores. You believe that? I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous! [sighs deeply] Might want you to keep a buddy of mine in your prayers. He is supposed to be here tonight, but he got bit yesterday by a brown recluse. So… Not the spider, the Puerto Rican neighbor that rarely comes out of his house. All right, it’s weird. Kinda come out, bit him on the shoulder and hauled ass back in. “What the hell’s wrong with Carlos? He’s normally pretty reclusive, that feller right there. I don’t get that.” Don’t you hate it when somebody says that you look exactly like so and so. Every time you see him, “Oh, you look just like so and so.” Then you finally meet “so and so.” Ugliest son of a bitch you’ve ever seen your entire life. You’re, like, “Dadgum, I look exactly like that idiot.” Makes me madder than Ronny Milsap in a corn maze. I tell you what, it’s irritating. That happened to me last week. This made me madder than a hunchback in a hailstorm. I go out there. The hailstorm– I go out there. There’s a hunchback in a hailstorm. So… So I go out to eat at this diner, I’m starvin’ and this waitress comes and asks “What do you wanna eat?” I said, “What’s wrong?” She goes, “You look just like the cook.” I go, “Get the hell outta here.” [laughs] She goes, “No, you could be his twin brother. I ain’t kiddin’.” “Well, let me see him.” He comes out. “What the hell!” Ugliest mongoloid I’ve ever seen my entire life. I ain’t kiddin’ with you. You should’ve seen. Looked like they’d been cleaning a grill with his face for ten years. Biggest head I’ve ever seen. You oughta seen his head. His driver’s license was an eyebrow. I ain’t makin’ that up. Unbelievable. And I looked identical to him. It pissed me off. Just with a littler head. She’s like, “What do you wanna eat? It’s on the house.” “I lost my appetite, all right? Maybe some eggs with some arsenic would be good right now.” Pissed me off. This irritated me too the other day. Made me madder than a fat guy in a porta-potty with little arms trying to wipe his ass crack, I’ll tell you what. So I go to this– I go to PetSmart to get some dog food for my dog. And I buy the dog food and then the girl goes, “You wanna give an extra $20 to help feed the starving animals?” What the hell do you think I’m doing now? What, am I sprinkling this on my Corn Flakes or somethin’? What a bunch of idiots! She goes, “You look familiar.” I go, “I’m a comedian.” She goes, “No, that ain’t it.” She goes… [gasps] “You’re that cook at the diner I seen last week.” Pissed me off. Heck of a week. I come back from Las Vegas, I stayed at the Bellagio hotel. You’ve ever stayed at the Bellagio hotel out there? Yeah. Here’s what I hate about them fancy hotels. I hate the toilets. They got newfangled environmental toilets that flush right when you stand up. You ever seen that? I go in there, do my business, stand up… gone. Pissed me off. Didn’t have time to take a picture. Nothing. All right. Here I’m sittin’ on a world record. Now I can’t get no proof on the daggone thing. I mean, seriously, technology is screwing me out everything. The maid embarrassed me. She walked in on me naked at 3:00 in the morning. What the hell is a maid doing in an elevator at 3:00 in the morning? All right, seriously. Every time I go to Las Vegas, there’s always a buddy of mine, “You goin’ to Las Vegas?” “Yeah. Why?” “Here. Here’s $300 dollars. Gamble it for me.” “All right.” [laughs] Called me up two days later. “How am I doin’?” “You lost everything. All right. I apologize.” “How are you doing?” “I’m up $300. I’m doin’ all right here. Tell you what. I’ll be here another two days. Send me a thousand dollars. I’ll gamble it for you.” Not a good gambler. My wife’s pretty good at Craps. She wins a lot ’cause she plays topless and nobody’s ever looking at the dice. Oh, this’ll piss you off. This is what America’s come to. Did you know this? You can actually now get kicked out of a casino for poopin’ on a Craps table? Man, we’re losing a lot of freedoms in this country. It’s decadent out there in Las Vegas. First time I was there in 1991, I was gettin’ something to eat at 7-Eleven, I leave, some girl picked me up out of nowhere. We go to the room. She get all naked on me. Turned the lights out. I’m like, “What the hell?” Need to be safe, I grabbed a condom there. Here’s one of those fancy ones, lubricated on the inside. Sumbitch barely fit me. Turns out I put on a Slim Jim wrapper. What the hell? Nine months later, she gave birth to a little smokey. [laughs] Wa-wa-wa-wa… They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Not no more. What happens in Vegas goes right to the iPhone, see it, straight to the Internet, the YouTube, for slow motion instant replay your stupid self. Better come home, “Hey, honey, how’s Vegas?” “It sucked. Didn’t get to do nothing.” “What do you mean?” “Didn’t do nothing. Stayed in my hotel room the whole time.” “You didn’t do nothing?” “No why?” “You’re on the Internet right now pooping on a Craps table. All right? Bullshit.” Cell phones are gonna ruin everybody’s lives. I’m sick of cell phones. Everybody’s got dadgum cell phones. They got ’em in prison now. Prisoners got cell phones. Did you know? You know how they get them in there? They smuggle ’em in by… shovin’ them up their hind end. You think you got a shitty reception. “Hey, bend over. Can you hear me now?” [fart noise] “What did he say?” “Somethin’ about Thursday.” It’s irritating. Everybody got a cell phone. I got a midget buddy. Everywhere he goes, he does selfies on a stick. Seen that? He always walks around, “Let me take a selfie.” Let me ask. If a midget takes a selfie, would that be an “elfie”? And that’s why I’m goin’ second. Right there. That’s why. That’s material, right there. Here’s the thing that’s irritating to a lot of people. Fellas take pictures of their private parts and send it to girlfriends or wives. That’s stupid. It’s gonna wind up on the Internet, ’cause it goes up into cyber space in a million wiener pieces and people grab ’em wiener pieces. Put it on the Internet. Somebody actually released a naked picture of me on the Internet last year. The weird thing was, though, it’d come from one of them overhead traffic cameras. I must’ve been on a late night Arby’s run. I ain’t sure what the hell’s goin’ on. Lot of drinking going on in Vegas. I’m not a big drinker. I think the drunkest I’ve ever been in my whole life was Cinco de Mayo– Last year, August 16th. And, uh, I tell you what… One thing I don’t do though, is drink and drive. Very well. I’ve never done that well my whole life. You don’t wanna get caught drinking and driving. If you’re a celebrity, you’d make news. I remember the Cake Boss. Buddy Valastro got a DUI. Can you imagine the Cake Boss in jail? I wonder if he took it in the bundt. Took it in a bundt. Start the bus. Had a buddy of mine retiring from the military. We took him to Las Vegas. He got hammered one night. Picked up a redhead transvestite. I tried to stop him. I’m like, “Don’t do it. You don’t know–” Too late. He’d done it. Next morning, I see him hunched out on a bench. I’m, like, “Hey, how’d that work out for you last night?” He said, “It was weird. Not only did the drapes match the carpet, but I think I seen a curtain rod in there.” I loved the military. I was in Fort Benning, Georgia, here not long ago. [crowd whistles] Weird though. They didn’t want me to perform. They just wanted me to show up, show the troops what they used to look like before they went to boot camp. That’s why I went down there. I gotta lose some weight. [chuckles] My tapeworm had a heart attack last week. It ain’t funny. You know you gotta lose weight when you can use the back of your neck as a travel pillow. Ain’t my fault I gained a little weight. Foxworthy’s fault. All them dadgum Golden Corral commercials he does all the time. Pissed me off. And I love that Golden Corral. You’ve ever been to that buffet in there? Oh, good heavens, my toilet had to take a knee one night after I went in. That’s something else. Oh, dadgum. I could’ve pooped through a keyhole at 50 yards after I was in there. Dadgum thing. I love Golden Corral. These health food– Food police don’t like you eating in there either. They make up stories to keep you out– This irritated me. The other day, I’m on the Internet, there’s an icon there that says “Click on this. You’ll never eat at the Golden Corral again.” I’m like, “What’s this bullshit?” I click on it, it was me. I love that Golden Corral. I ate there last week so many times Chris Christie started following me on Twitter. All right. I like how they, I like how they have the sneeze guard on the buffet. They say that’s for your health. If they really cared about our health, they’d have an electric fence around the buffet in there. I know what that sneeze guard is. It’s to force the fat folks to get some exercise while they’re in there. ‘Cause they put all the good stuff toward the back of them sneeze guards. So the fat folks gotta do squats and stretches when they go down that buffet, down there. “Yeah, let me get that pudding, I like that pudding. Let me get them tater tots, I like ’em tater tots.” That’s right. Decent size fat fella can get three sets of 15 reps in there if he works hard enough. I seen a couple get married at the Golden Corral. I still remember the preacher, “I now pronounce you two freakin’ losers.” I was at the world’s largest Golden Corral in Branson, Missouri, you ever been to Branson? I like Branson. It’s fun. They got a lot of old folks down there, though. Good heavens, they had a show down there called Shake, Rattle and Roll. Turned out to be the audience trying to get to their seats. It’s bad, I performed down there. I made an old woman laugh so hard milk of magnesia come out of her nose. All right, I ain’t kidding– They got a lot of storms down there that crop up. It’s crazy, I was down there one year with my wife and my kids, and my brother and my sister-in-law… biggest, sumbitch you ever seen in your whole life. And about 270 pounds, four-foot-six. And, everywhere we went she was dressed in full camo, everywhere we went, looked like we was walking with a couple of acres. You know, everywhere I went down there. You know, some people got their name on their belt, she had everybody’s name on her belt. All right? She’s a big one. We were down there, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, this tornado crops up, so the police car driving down the street with a megaphone is going, “Funnel cloud! Funnel cloud!” So we hauled out. She stayed out there. She thought they was yelling, “Funnel cake! Funnel cake!” She got hit dead on with a tornado, didn’t even budge her. She’s bawling, and I’m like, “What’s wrong, you hurt?” Turns out she’s pissed off ’cause the tornado blowed all the powder sugar off her funnel cake she had right there. Did a bunch with my kids, took them to the zoo down there. Pretty good zoo, I like zoos. You like zoos? I like good zoos. Have you been to a bad zoo with just regular critters? You know, like a bunny and a skunk, and goat, and a cow, you know? Crippled deer or whatever. Rhinoceros… is just some fat kid with a chocolate-covered banana strapped to his forehead. Which by the way is the worst job I ever had in my entire life. By the way, let me say that. Every time I go to the zoo all the good animals I wanna see are sleeping already. What the hell? It’s like Cosby got there 20 minutes before I did. What? Oh, come on. That’s funny, I don’t care who you are. Come on now, hey, I told that joke at the zoo and the hyenas laughed their ass off of that, all right. Weirdest thing I ever seen at the zoo was a bunch of penguins and nuns staring at each other. Took my wife and kids to the Wisconsin Dells to the water park up there. That’s right, you ever been to a water park? For all of y’all who ain’t been to a water park, picture everybody at Walmart with bathing suits on, all right. What the hell. That’s where I found out a wiener twister wasn’t a snack stand at the water park. Boy, they got some fast rides. They had one ride 70 miles an hour. You get up there… straight down… halfway down somebody’s under britches and swim trunks went flying by my head and I thought, that poor guy. They were mine. Aah! That’s one thing about a water park, nobody goes home with a dirty butt hole. I’ll guarantee you that much, right there. That’s right, it’ll clean you out good. Next time you can’t afford a water park just stand naked in front of a floor mirror and shoot your water pick up your hind end, all right? It’ll have the same effect. Almost got beat up at the water park. You believe that? I almost got beat up at the water park. I’m standing in line to get on this one water ride, there’s a dude clutching on this big ass inner-tube. I said, “Hey, where’d you get that inner-tube?” He said, “What?” I said, “That big ass inner-tube you got there.” He said, “That’s my wife, you son of a bitch.” [whispers] Sorry, I’m sorry. They got indoor water parks up there ’cause it’s so damn cold. What the hell? I know it’s cold here, you’ve been to Northern Wisconsin this summer? You know how long their summer lasts? Forty-eight minutes. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. I was just up there, I ain’t kidding with you. You could have played “this little piggy” with my nipples when I was up there. My wiener was like a bear, it went into hibernation for three days. I ain’t kidding, I could have flashed a cop and not gotten in trouble. I’m not kidding with you. You should have seen it, looked like a helmet sitting on shrubbery. If you looked real good at it. I wish my nipples and this would get together– My nipples love cold weather, my wiener hates it. I mean, it’s cold, they’re like, “Yes!” You know, he’s like– He sucked up in there. It’s embarrassing, I went to moon my cousin, looked like I was pooping a mushroom, all right, I’m not kidding with you. Don’t laugh at that, that’s not even funny. I don’t even know why you’re laughing at that. Flippin’ freezin’ there. Remember I was there, the bed bugs at the hotel called the front desk and requested extra blankets. I couldn’t believe it. I hate cold weather. I live in Nebraska, you talk cold, you know how cold it was at Thanksgiving in Nebraska? This a true story, there’s a knock on my door, 6:00 in the morning. It was a turkey wanting to borrow my deep fryer. All right, I ain’t kidding with you. It was freezing, my dog licked himself and got his tongue stuck. It was freezing, I had to wipe with an ice scraper. [laughs] All right, they’re not all funny but they’re in a row. All right, how’s that, so? I’m going for quantity, not quality here this evening. I like warm weather, that’s what I like. Bring on that global warming, that’s what I say. People getting nuts over that. Don’t they? “Man caused global– We need to do something about the way we livin’. We heating up the Earth,” “Oh, shut up.” “Well, you seen what happened in Washington D.C.? Twenty-seven inches of snow, explain that.” “All right, February, how’s that?” I ain’t Nostradamus, but I have a thing, I have a guess what’s gonna happen in July, too. Hot! All right. It’s gonna be hot in July. It’s stupid. I got a buddy of mine. “You go ahead and laugh. The Earth’s heated up seven-tenths of a degree in the last hundred years.” Well, what the hell? Go home and stab yourself in the face then, end it. Just end it if it’s that bad. How many people have ever gone outside in 100-degree weather and said, “Boy, I’ll tell you what. It feels three-quarters of a degree hotter out here this year than last year. There’s something going on in it.” I like that warm weather. I don’t like humidity, though, I lived in Florida for a long time and you get to sticking down there, good night. I had to shoot baby powder up there about every three minutes. I was down there in Florida, my mom had to make me a pair of boxer shorts out of a ShamWow when I was down there, I couldn’t believe it. It was so hot in Florida one time, my grandpa replaced his hemorrhoidal suppositories with Dilly bars. [laughs] Dilly bars. This show should have been 300 bucks a piece. All right, I’m telling you right now, that’s a 300-dollar joke right there.     It’s hot in Florida in the summer. I remember in August one time, I had a buddy of mine about 420 pounds, he’s leaving a Target with a little plastic kiddie pool. I said, “You ain’t gonna fit in that to be cool.” He said, “No, the game’s on, that’s for bean dip.” I shouldn’t talk about fat folks, though, I got my own problems. I started losing me some weight two weeks ago ’cause I had a tragic event happen to me. Kicked my butt in gear and it sucks when you have to have a tragic event to make fat folk lose weight. For a lot of people it’s hard to tackle diabetes and then they– Let me tell you what happened two weeks ago. For the first time in my life, I had to show my titties to get out of a ticket. But I did see something that did change my life, I was reading an article the other day and it said, “Carbohydrates is the fastest way to the grave.” And I told my wife, right then after I read it. I said, “Sweetheart, mark this down on the calendar, right now, from now on, done. I’m not reading nothin’.” All right? I ain’t read nothin’ since. My wife has me on a diet now she come up with, called, “We’re not having sex till you lose weight diet.” That’s what she had me on. This is my impression of my wife when we’re making love. [muffled murmuring] I’ve tried a lot of stuff, tried a dietitian. They’re taking your money. I go see a dietitian, you know what he says? “Larry, you need to eat six times a day.” I do that now! If I eat one more time a day, you’re gonna see me at Walmart on a scooter wearing pajama jeans. All right, that’s ridiculous. Went to see a trainer. The trainer says to me, “How many pushups can you do?” I say, “I don’t know, regular or girl pushups?” He says, “Either one of ’em.” I said, “Neither one of ’em. All right, I can’t do either one of them.” I was on Nutrisystem in 2005, remember my Nutrisystem commercials? That’s right. I think they’re probably pretty pissed off at me about right now. [laughs] I’m bad for business I guess. I’m the only guy who’s ever gone from Nutrisystem commercials to heartburn medication, right here on stage. [laughs] I’m five pounds away from a sleep apnea contract. What the hell? No, look, Nutrisystem worked for ’em. I didn’t do it right. I didn’t know you weren’t supposed to eat the packaging. All right, that’s my problem there. Prilosec OTC, God love ’em. They ain’t the first– First people who ever wanted me to do a commercial was 2003, Blue Collar TV. You know how they promote alternate fuels to be used. In 2003, they wanted me to test drive a truck. A pretty good-looking truck that ran on human waste. That’s true, I drove it for three days. What a piece of crap. Three days, no pun intended. I go to the Taco Bell drive through in that deal, flooded the engine, when I went through that deal. You believe that? It was embarrassing. It was embarrassing. A buddy of mine had to come down there, give me a jump fart when I was down there at the drive-through. If you can find another comedian in the country with a punch line of “jump fart,” I will kiss your hind end right now in front of everybody. ‘Cause you’re never gonna find that. That’s right, that’s the kind of humor that gets the Grammy nominations right there. I like to hunt. I know there’s a lot of hunters up here. And… when I hunt, I do it a little different than most people. When I hunt, I dress all in orange from head to toe. And I hunt down by the Interstate. That way the deer just think I’m a prisoner picking up trash out there. For y’all that don’t hunt, did you know this, did you know a deer gets a new rack every year? Just like the Kardashians? Did you know that’s true right there? Had a buddy of mine, got in trouble. He was hunting, he called me up says, “I’m in jail.” I say, “What’s wrong.” He says, “I don’t know, the game warden put me in jail. It’s ridiculous.” I said, “What’d you do?” He says, “Nothing. I shot two wild turkeys, he put me in jail.” “He can’t do it just–” “No, I shot two wild turkeys. He put me in jail. He’s a communist.” I wanna go down, see what happened. I go down there about to raise a fuss. Turns out he did two shots of Wild Turkey and accidentally shot the game warden. All right, that’s what happened. And his cousin was in a car accident, his face is all disfigured. And he told me the other day, “I’m the ugliest man in the world. I just wanna kill myself.” I said, “Come on now, you ain’t…” so I wanted to cheer him up, so… I run him up to Walmart for a few hours. It worked, turns out he’s the 37th ugliest man in the world. There’s some ugly folks in my Walmart. Remember that website, the People of Walmart, remember that? I always thought that was hilarious. ‘Till I wound up on a site last year. Pissed me off. The one time a year I go to Walmart shopping wearing that pink unitard, they’re snapping pictures in there for the damned deal. I shouldn’t say there’s fat, big folks in my Walmart, but I will say this, yesterday the Junior Miss department just put in a potato bar, all right. I’ll say that much. They got some crazy shoppers. You wanna see some crazy shoppers? Have yourself a daggone garage sale. I had one garage sale, never again. Woman comes up, she goes, “Boy I like these boots. You got these in a size six?” “No, let me run in the back and check my inventory on these boots, all right.” And you never seen more cheap folks in your life than at a garage sale. Guy comes up and he says, “How much is this?” I go, “A dollar.” He goes, “Does it work?” It’s a dollar. What the hell, “Do you work?” What the hell? Here’s the guy that really pisses you off. This guy. “How much is this?” “Fifty cents.” “I’ll give you a quarter.” “I’ll give you a dime to get the hell off my property, all right.” I swear, you could put a ten dollar bill on the table, somebody offer you a 75 cents for that ten dollar bill. Here’s one thing I learned about a garage sale. Never invite your relatives, they’ll see all the gifts they got you the last 25 years up there at that table. “Hey, is that watch I got you last year?” “No, that watch you got me, I keep in the safe deposit box at the bank. Are you kidding me? You know, lot of people don’t got a Casio watch with a calculator on it no more. Another 5000 years, that’ll be worth two, 300 dollars. That’s somethin else.” People are nuts when it comes to shopping. I remember one time I had a couch I couldn’t get rid of so I put that on the curb, said, “Free to take.” Dadgum thing sat there ten days. So when I put a sign on it, “For sale, 2500 dollars” Dadgum thing got stolen that night. I hate shopping, especially the grocery store. I always get recognized up there. I went up two weeks ago. Took two hours to get the hell out. Caused a commotion. My wife says to me the other day, “Hey, let’s go up to the grocery store.” “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay home.” “Oh, come on, go to the grocery store with me.” “I don’t wanna go to the grocery store.” “Oh, you think you’re gonna get recognized? You think you’re so freak–” “All right, I’ll go to the–” Sure enough, as soon as I walk in, there’s the bag boy. “Hey, there’s that guy that was playing with himself in the produce department two weeks ago.” “I told you I didn’t wanna come in, what the hell? Told you, idiot. I didn’t wanna come in here.” I read an article in the paper the other day. Said old folks are sexually active all the way in their mid-90s. Ugh… What the hell? I couldn’t finish the article, though, it had vomit on it. Then I read this other thing, said they’re handing out free condoms to the old folks at the villages in Florida. The retirement community ’cause they’re rampant with sexual diseases and pregnancies. Never thought I’d see the day they handing out condoms to 90-year-old men, what the hell? I’ve seen my grandpa naked once, you’d think that’d be all the birth control you need. Right there, daggone it. “Grandpa, put some pants on, what the hell? Looks like a Slim Jim went through the dishwasher. That’s ridiculous. What the hell’s wrong with you?” What the hell? He’s pretty active, he’s dating this girl, she’s 87 years old. They came over to the house the other day, we was eating dinner, he goes, “You think she’s hot?” “Oh, yeah, I think she is now, Grandpa. Her face has been in the soup for ten minutes.” I shouldn’t make fun of old folks, I’ll be old one day. Sucks getting old, I’ll tell you what. You know you’re getting old when you sneeze and you poop a little. You know what I mean? That’s when you’re getting old. Bend down to tie your shoes and you poop a little, then you know you done. It’s almost like when you get old, the only time you can’t poop is when you’re trying to poop. Gotta go to the doctor all the time, I hate going to the doctor. I was at the doctor last time, I seen the craziest thing. A girl that walked in there, biggest woman I ever seen, she walked in there. “My stomach, oh, my stomach. What the hell is wrong with my stomach?” Turns out she’s pregnant, doesn’t even know it. Let me ask you something, how fat you gotta be to not realize you got a human being living inside your body? I mean, what the hell? I go to Taco Bell, I feel like I’m about to have triplets two hours later, all right. I’m not kidding, I actually went breech on a Chalupa three weeks ago. I really did, I really did. The doctor finally told her as she walked in there, “Oh, it’s colitis.” “Well, I don’t care what you name it, but it’s a boy.” All right, that’s right. I tell you what keeps me young though is my wife. My wife… growed up on a… 3500-acre Black Angus cattle ranch, Northern Wisconsin. And… You can never tell in a million years that my wife grew up on a cattle ranch by looking at her, ’cause she’s got a pig face. And… I’m kidding. Hey, my wife’s hot, all right. Anyway, she will be if she finds out about that joke I did on television. Now, I wouldn’t say that if she wasn’t good looking– My wife’s hot, I made love to my wife, this is how hot she is– First of all, she was eating a banana the other day, the banana kept getting bigger. But, that’s beside the point. I made love to my wife a record hour and four minutes. So there you go. That’s right, ‘course it was at Daylight Savings Time but, let me just say this, all right. Let me just say this… [muttering] Hey, but still that’s two hours more than normal. All right, there you go. My wife’s 14 years younger than me. Oh, boy, I will never forget when she told me her age the first time. I almost chocked on my pizza and dropped my game tokens. Let me tell you the one bad thing about being married to somebody younger than you. Nothing. All right. Not a thing. That’s right. Sometimes, sex gets a little weird. ‘Cause she’s younger, you know. “Slow down a little bit. Come on now, this ain’t a prison visit. Slow down there.” She always wants to try something new. “Where should we make love at tonight?” “I don’t care, as long as I’m on a heating pad. All right, that’s all I care about.” We got our anniversary coming up, our 11-year. Last year, July 3rd, was our ten-year, you have to go to the gift chart to see what to get her. You know how they got the anniversary gift chart, you know, 25 silver, 50 gold. You know, that whole deal. So, I think they ought to add some kind of a sexual component to that gift chart. You know, the more sex you have the better the gift is every year. I think that’s a good incentive program right there. “Hey, sweetheart, it’s our 11-year anniversary comin’ up next week. I’m gonna get you something, let me look at the gift chart. So, 11 years, all right. Had sex three times this year. Hey, look at that. You get the walkie-talkies. Look at that. That’s nice. That’s right, or you can have anything on the bottom shelf there, too. That’s pretty good, too. I like that. I like that John Fogerty mirror, that’s a nice mirror right there. Can have that. Some Blackhawk slippers, them’s nice. You don’t see a lot of Blackhawk slippers like that.” Seventy-five years is diamonds. A little old for diamonds at that point. Hey, Grandma, them earrings go good with the pudding on your chin. My wife’s birthday, she wanted a facial. Went to one of them fancy hotels, got her one of ’em spa visits. I go in there, she got cucumber slices on her face. I’m like, “What the hell?” She goes, “That takes the wrinkles out of your eyes.” “No kidding, cucumber slices? What did they do with the rest of the cucumber?” Well, evidently, that’s another 100 dollars. You know what I got my wife last Mother’s Day? Stripper pole. Had it installed in the bedroom. When she come home, she seen it, Git-R-Done. And then for Father’s Day… she gave me a ride up to the hospital to get that pole removed from my hind end. You guys been awesome, thank you so much, Minnesota. Thank you, we loved comin’ up here, Git-R-Done. I’m gonna bring Jeff Foxworthy back out, everybody. Jeff Foxworthy! There he is. Larry. Take care, y’all, thank you. Git-R-Done! Thanks, y’all. God bless you, be safe. Oh! That’s Minnesota-cold, buddy. Chilly. Oh, man. I’m glad I wore the sleeves."
1686242673-347,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Craig Ferguson: A Wee Bit o’ Revolution (2009) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/craig-ferguson-a-wee-bit-o-revolution-transcript/,"July 4th, 2008
 Boston, Mass. [Drumming] I arrived here in 1995, a broken-down vaudevillian from the old country. But I arrived in America. Here’s what America asked of me–nothing. And I was free. Free of my own past. Free to succeed. Free to fail. America did not even ask me to be a citizen. I chose to be a citizen. Whatever mistakes we make along the way, we, the people, always correct them. We, the people, the citizens of the United States of America, are its voice. We are its soul. We are its expression. Our leaders are but servants to our voice. That is our glorious revolution. [Rock music] ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] Aah! Oh! [Laughs] oh-ho! Yeah! Finally! Finally! Finally! Finally I got to be at the Wilbur theatre in Boston. [Laughter, cheers, applause] The Wilbur! [As Mr. Ed] the Wilbur! When I was back in the old country, I was like, “one day I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna grow up, I’m gonna get there. I’m gonna go to America, I’m gonna go to Boston. I’m gonna be in the Wilbur.” “You’ll never get to the Wilbur. You ain’t good enough! You’ll never get to the Wilbur!” “I will too get to the Wilbur. I will!” And it’s just as I imagined. It’s just as I imagined. The Wilbur theatre with the dripping asbestos and the crappy shit everywhere. It’s exactly the overpriced death trap I thought it would be. I’m so happy. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. This is a stinky-ass theatre. I love it! I feel comfortable. It’s like dirty pants. I’m very happy to be back in Boston. You know what, when you say to people in Hollywood, “I’m gonna do the stand-up special in Boston,” they’re like, “are you crazy? You can’t do it in Boston. That place is full of surly drunks!” I’m like, “that’s my family you’re talking about.” “They’re all angry and Celtic and half in the bag.” I’m like, “yes, exactly.” I feel at home. It’s the first time I’ve been back here since I’ve been a citizen. First time I’ve done stand-up. Yeah! Out here in Boston where it all began. I know. Isn’t that awesome? You know the thing that I think is so great? Like I became a citizen in January, right? By April of the same year, I’m hosting the White House correspondents’ dinner. I mean, that’s amazing, isn’t it? Like, me there and the president of the United States– me at the table, the president of the United States! Now, admittedly, it’s George W. Bush, but the president of the United States of America. And he was–I gotta be honest with you. I know– now that it’s all kinda gone, he was really nice to me and friendly, which makes things a little awkward. You know, ’cause I’m ready to say my thing and tell him a thing or two, and he’s like, “hey, buddy, how you doing? Want a soda?” I’m like, “yeah, okay, I guess I’ll have a soda.” And he knows. He’s very self-aware. He was like, “yeah,” you know, “people don’t like me anymore.” I’m like, “mm-hmm.” And it’s kinda awkward, you know, ’cause he’s the most unpopular president in the history of presidents, and that’s the one I get my photograph taken with. It’s kinda weird ’cause he’s kinda like, “come on, Craig, let’s have a photograph.” And I’m like, “no, you’re busy, sir. You got stuff to do. You gotta be there. I’m sure you’ve got legislation and…” ‘Cause that photograph, you know what’s gonna happen. I have a son. He’s seven-years-old. He’s gonna grow up. He’s gonna see a photograph of me and George W. Bush, and he’s gonna go, “dad? Dad, what is this? There’s a photograph of you and George W. Bush.” I’ll be like, “son, this was before the trial. “It was before the trial. We didn’t know… We didn’t know.” He was funny. In a funny way. No, he’s all right. It was fine, just– you know, when I was talking at that thing– and I’ve been talking a lot recently about, you know, I love America, I love America, I love America and I do. F*ck it. I do. And, you know, it’s kinda like, you know, when people– like they become a catholic in later life, so they feel they have to be extra catholic to catch up on people who have just been catholic-ing along, you know. Like, “oh, yeah. It’s the fish and the Friday and the pope, “the holy father and the smoke and the Irish accent and the marching.” That’s like me with America. Everyone else is like, “hmm, I don’t know about the foreign policy.” I’m like– [hums presidential march] I don’t care. As much as I love it, by the way, it’s nothing compared to people in the old country. They’re crazy for America. They love it. I thought I was buying a house in California. I wasn’t. I was buying a vacation destination for half of Scotland. I have people calling me up. I don’t think they’re family. I don’t even think they’re Scottish. They’re like, “yes, hello. It is your cousin, Pierre.” You know what, as much as they love Scotland, by the way, the people in the old country, you know, the one who has it the worst is my mother. My mother loves America a little too much, frankly. She’s kinda like America’s stalker. She is. She’s got pictures of her and America photoshopped on her myspace page and everything. [High-pitched voice] this is me and America, uh-huh. We do it to annoy each other. She’s nuts for it. I remember, when I first picked her up in Los Angeles, she came to the airport– the first time I was driving her around the town, and she’s like, “oh, son, this is amazing! I’ve never seen anything like it!” Apparently, my mother used to be on Monty Python for some reason this evening. Ooh, hi, son. Ooo-ha-ha, oop. She was like–I’m driving around the town, she’s like, “son, son, this is amazing. Is that the Empire State Building?” I’m like, “mom, this is Los Angeles. That’s an international house of pancakes.” “Whoo! International pancakes! “Oh, they think of everything in America. “In Scotland you only get Scottish pancakes. In America pancakes from all over the world.” I don’t wanna give you the wrong impression about my mother, by the way– I love her. It’s none of that sub-freudian stand-up shit with me about my mother– I love my mom. But she is kind of a little bit what doctors are calling “clinically insane,” a little bit. Oh, it’s not really. She’s kinda like– you know what, she’s like an acid casualty who never took acid, just straight to casualty. No “summer of love” in the ’60s, no Vietnam, just–[babbles]. She’s–she’s–she’s not crazy. She just–she’s one of those people who– that says something and it sounds like it makes sense, and you go, “mm-hmm, yes, I see your point now, very…” And then a couple of seconds later, you’re like, “what the f–? No.” Like, you get a minute or two and go, “n–no.” I tell you the first time I noticed it was– I was about five years old, and I was living with her at the time. I was between jobs. And–you hear me, college? So I was between jobs. I was living with my mom. It was kind of embarrassing. And what happened was, we had a fruit bowl in our house, and–’cause we were– we were wealthy for our neighborhood there was fruit in the fruit bowl. And my mother saw me eat two bananas in a row– one banana, then another banana. And she was like, “Craig, if you eat one more banana, you will turn into a banana.” I was five. It freaked the shit out of me! Plus, plus, she’d seen me eat two bananas. There were another two bananas she knew nothing about. [Mouthing words] I was walking around like a time bomb for years. “Oh, my god, here it comes. Oh no, it’s just gas, thank god.” It sounds like it makes sense. Doesn’t make any sense at all. Here’s her favorite one. She loves to say this. “Craig, I cannot do eight things at once. I am not an octopus.” Oh, what does that mean? “Well, you know, I can’t make your breakfast “and clean the garage and answer the phone. I’m not an octopus.” An octopus can’t do that. An octopus can’t breathe above water! Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it’s that kind of thing. She says regular mother things, regular, just, you know, common garden mother things. “Put that down! You could take someone’s eye out with that.” “Oh, it’s all fun until someone’s eye gets gouged out.” “Oh, look out for your eyes!” “We’re playing checkers.” “Yeah, but eyes get lost during checkers.” Mother’s obsessed with gouging out eyes. And she would say it about, you know, things in the house that you couldn’t take someone’s eye out with, even in an emergency. If–yes, there could be an emergency where someone’s eye had a bomb inside it, and the miniature people and the craft couldn’t get to in time, and you had to– yeah, it could happen. I always imagined in the middle of a big scary eye operation, you know, with the big overhead lights and everyone very serious and jaw lines and Coldplay and, you know, grey’s anatomy. [Singing nonsense] in the middle of a big operation with all the drama and the tension and the–“scalpel.” “Scalpel.” “Forceps.” “Forceps.” “Eye-poppy-out thing.” “I’m sorry, doctor, we can’t find the eye-poppy-out-thing.” “Well, never mind. “Send Ron to Mrs. Ferguson’s house. “Get the snow globe from the kitchen table. “Apparently, you can take someone’s eye out with that. [Grunts] “come on! Come on! “Goddamn it! “Not on my watch! “Come on! I’m not ready to play god today! “Come on! Oh, look at that–Montreal. Come on!” She then–though my mother, she did say the one thing that finally got me out of Scotland. She said, “get out of Scotland.” She didn’t. She didn’t say that. The police– the police said that. What happened was that, when I was being a– when I was a little boy and I was being naughty and making faces and kind of– kind of what I do for a living now. Take that, college grads. “Now, you went to Emerson to get into show business, didn’t you? “Did they teach you faces at Emerson? You’re gonna need that.” No, when I was making faces when I was a kid, she used to say, “Craig, if the wind changes, your face will stay like that.” I was like, “really? Hmm. “This could be my ticket out of this dump. I will hang around in places of uncertain wind direction… “Pretending to be Sean Connery. ‘Yes. Your plans for world domination are sadly mistaken.” And I’ll be away. I’ll be off.” Sean Connery is a god– a god in Scotland. He’s a god everywhere, my goodness. What is he? Like 95-years-old, the sexiest man alive? Why the hell is that happening? Young women, 25, 35 years-old, “oh, Sean Connery’s so sexy.” He’s got a walker, for Christ’s sake. “That’s right, here comes daddy. “Oh-ho-ho, yeah. “Eh! Eh! “Oh-ho-ho. He-hee. I’m too sexy for my shirt.” I love Sean Connery. You know, I love Sean Connery. You know why? Because he doesn’t mess around with acting. He doesn’t show off acting. He’s a movie star! When Sean Connery is in– plays an Irish cop in the Untouchables, he’s like, “yeah, that’s right. I’m an Irish cop, begorrah.” When he plays a Russian submarine commander in The Hunt for Red October, he’s like, “yes, that’s right. I’m a Russian submarine commander.” “You know it. I know it. “I’m Sean Connery. “You’re lucky I’m in this piece of shit. Now let’s get on with it.” It’s awesome. I love him in every movie I’ve seen him in, I think he’s fantastic, and for me, he’s the only James Bond. They shouldn’t make other James Bond movies. That’s not right. You can make movies about British spies. They can call him Simon Bond or Nigel Bond, anything you want. But James Bond is Sean Connery, a big hairy man. “Argh! I’m a secret agent.”     Very hairy, Sean Connery. There’s a guy that had a couple of bananas when his mother wasn’t looking, I think. He’s very hairy, Sean Connery. In fact, I think one of the early bond movies, I think it was “dr. No”, he’s lying in his hotel bed in the Caribbean, and a giant hairy spider crawls across his chest. Might not even have been a spider. It might have been just a breeze in the hotel room. Made myself laugh. “Oh, for god’s sake, a tarantula! Oh, no. I just left the window open, that’s all right.” He’s very hairy, Sean Connery, and I think James Bond should be hairy. That new James Bond, I don’t like him at all. He’s been waxed. There’s not a hair on him. When he does that scene he walks out of the water, he’s like a gay dolphin when he walks out there. [Sings bond theme] “I’m undercover.” I love Sean Connery. I love Sean in every single movie I’ve seen him in, even the movie Rising Sun. The movie Rising Sun is the movie in which Sean Connery speaks Japanese. It’s awesome. I learned it. He says this. And I quote, he says– [speaks Japanese]. And all the Japanese people are like, “what the f*ck? I got ‘something, something potato.’ What did you get?” There’s only one movie I have a slight problem with Sean Connery in, and it’s the movie the Highlander, about the eternal Scottish warrior, and in this movie, Sean Connery plays a Spaniard. Doesn’t anybody think about this shit at all? Ever? And Sean tries his best. He tries to be Spanish in the movie. He’s like, “como estas, everybody? I enjoy taquitos.” Can I just ask this a second? What is that thing when guys are trying to be tough that they feel their own balls? What the hell is that? They go, “you want a piece of me, huh?! Huh?” [Grunting] I don’t have to keep doing this. I’m just enjoying myself now. [Grunts] “What did you do at work today, daddy?” [Grunts] I’ve never understood what is so tough about touching your own balls. You think you’re tough, come here and touch my balls, pal, we’ll see how tough you are. You wanna touch my balls, you better be tough. Or gorgeous. Or both. I don’t give a shit. You can take the boy out of Europe, but you can’t take… You know, I’ve noticed, actually, when I do do that, I have to reach lower and lower every night. What the hell is that? Soon it’ll just be, “oh, come on, fellas, let’s get out of here.” It’s awful. I know I’ve got white hair in my head, right? White hair. I can see it. I know it’s there. I’ve got this white hair coming in on my chest. You know what’s next. I don’t need to be distinguished down there. I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. I don’t want– I don’t want a wise, old c0ck. Oh, young c0cks coming from other parts of the country for advice? “Tell us, wise old c0ck, what was it like in your day?” “Well, in my day, I could reach right out “and touch my testicles. Now I don’t even know where they are.” It’s horrible getting old. Sometimes when I, like, come out of the shower, and the bathroom is all steamy and I look in the mirror, I’m like, “oh, grandpa, do you have a message “from beyond the–oh, f*ck! What the–who the hell are you?” What was I talking about? Oh, yeah, Sean Connery. Yeah. He plays the Spanish guy in the Highlander. And you know who plays the Scottish guy in the Highlander is Christopher Lambert, who is from Belgium. There’s actually a scene in that movie where the two of them are in a little row boat, and they’re gonna cross loch ness, which is what Scottish people do. They don’t have tivo. They’re gonna cross loch ness, and Sean Connery says to Christopher Lambert– this is in the movie– he says, “so, tell me about this homeland of yours, Scotland, “for I know nothing of it, being from Spain. “For example, what is this thing you people eat, this haggis? What is this haggis?” And Christopher Lambert says, “well, a haggis is a sort of tasty sausage, you know. “Is nice with chocolate, maybe, or a waffle. I don’t really know.” But I think Sean Connery was the reason I came to America ’cause Sean Connery used to deliver milk when he was a kid, and I used to deliver milk when I was a kid. So hey, presto, I thought, “James f*cking Bond.” Apparently not. That–and the reason why I fell in love with America is that I came here for the first time at a very impressionable age. I came here when I was 13-years-old. My father and I got a cheap flight over from Scotland to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan, who had emigrated in the ’50s. They live in long island, in New York, and so we came out to see them. They came over on a tramp steamer, which has nothing to do with Paris Hilton. It’s just the way people used to go over from the old country. “Oh, Craig.” “I know.” “Well, that’s a cheap shot.” “It is a cheap shot, but she’s a cheap broad.” “You’re right.” Anyway, so we came over to visit my uncle James and my aunt Susan. And when the plane landed at JFK, when I came out of that plane, the first time I saw America, it was like– [singing]. It was like an Enya album or something. I was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” It was like that bit in Star Trek when Kirk sees the alien he’s gonna have sex with. It was like, “oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho.” I couldn’t believe it. Just the whole visual experience, the colors, just the colors. The reds, the blues, the green. Where I come from, damp is a f*cking color! “Oh, those are nice pants. Do you have them in damp?” “Hmm, I like your car. I think I’d like one of those in damp.” It was awesome. I loved it the minute I got here. And you know what really did it? You know what really kind of– I was like, “hah, wow”? The teeth. 10, 20, 30 Teeth. Per mouth, I’m talking, per mouth. People would, “hi, son, welcome to America. He-he-he-hey!” I was like, “what the hell is this? Is this a cartoon?” “Yeah! Hi-hi-hi-hi. He-he-he-he.” I was like, “hey!” And then the gum. I’d never had gum. Gum! They’re like, “here, try some gum.” “Gum?” “Yeah, gum, you know, you chew it. When the flavor goes away, just spit it out.” When the flavor goes away in Scottish food, that means it’s ready. Yeah. He-he-hey. And the money in this country, my god. You had these giant buildings that you put up with long, thin shiny floors with pins at one end. You’d roll a ball, knock over the pins. For no f*cking reason that anybody can think of. I’m like, “why are we doing this?” Like, “we don’t even know! He-he-hey! Strike! It passes the time between dental visits, I guess.” I was like, I just– I loved it, man, the minute I got here. And I think, you know, during that vacation, what happened was I had a light bulb moment– Oprah. I would never say anything against Oprah, by the way. Never, ever. I’m in show business. [Imitates heartbeat] Oh, no, no, please. No, I love Oprah. But anyway, what happened was– we’ll get back to it later. All right, so what happened was that during that vacation, what happened is I went to my first ever rock concert. I went with my teenage cousins, regular Americans who were born here, a little older than me. Actually, they took me to their high school for one day. I went to Smithtown high school in Long Island for one day. They had show-and-tell, and I was show-and-tell. “Could you do something Scottish?” “I’m cautious with money.” “There you are, kids. We all learned something.” So what happened was that I went to my first ever rock concert with my teenage cousins. And I just loved it. We went in a car, which we hadn’t stolen. Teenagers in a car, which we had not stolen. I underlined that for you. It might mean nothing to you toothy bastards, but to me– we went to see a band called Blue Oyster Cult. Oh, man. And I was amazed. I was amazed in this country of America, where there was so much money and wealth, and you spit the food out when the flavor has gone away, and all that stuff. Yet four teenagers at a rock concert all have to share the same cigarette? So I was watching the band, and the band, they’re giving it, ♪ Don’t fear the reaper, Romeo and Juliet ♪
 ♪ You can kill yourself and it’s all cool ♪
 ♪ And then I’m looking down the line at my cousin, Karen ♪
 ♪ And she’s smoking a doobie in that funny way ♪
 ♪ That teenagers do so that everybody knows ♪
 ♪ They’re smoking a doobie ♪
 ♪ And then it’s coming down the line and it’s coming to me ♪
 ♪ And I’m a teenager ♪
 ♪ And I watch what they’re doing ♪
 ♪ And I want to fit in, so I do what they’re doing ♪
 ♪ And i– ♪
 “that rock-and-roll makes you hungry, doesn’t it? “We should get raisin bran.” “Count chocula?” “Rookie.” “Raisin bran.” And that was it. That was the moment for me. I thought, “oh, yes. This is my light bulb moment.” I thought, “from this moment on I will dedicate my life “to drugs and rock-and-roll. What can possibly go wrong?” ‘Cause it works so well for everyone else who does that. Anyway, the vacation ended, and I had to go back to Scotland, but I didn’t wanna go back. It was like, “please, please, can I stay? There’s still some flavor left in my gum.” They’re like, “no, no, go work up the chimneys, you little bastard. Go on, get the hell out of here.” I’m like, “please, no, no.” “No, get out of here! Give us our cigarette back.” I didn’t wanna go back. I was like, “I don’t wanna go to that f*cking country, “one tooth every three f*cking miles. I wanna stay in America.” And I swore to myself, a blood oath. I thought, “the second I can, I’m going back. “I’m gonna live in America. I’m gonna live in America. “I’m gonna work hard day and night. “I’m gonna take five jobs. I’m gonna get money. And I’m gonna go to America.” And then what happened is I noticed in my local newspaper that there was an ad for a band that were coming to play in Glasgow, a band that I really loved at that time, a band called Deep Purple. Do you remember deep purple? Oh, man, I loved that! You know with that– [sings guitar riff] I loved that. So I got a ticket for the show. This is when you bought the ticket three months ahead of the concert. You put it up on your bedroom wall, your buddies came over, you played the album, you’re like– [sings guitar riff] “they’re coming.” And then I thought, “wait, I can’t go to a rock concert without drugs. It won’t be the same.” And it’s not. Now this was Scotland in the 1970s. You couldn’t get drugs– or at least I couldn’t. But I did know a guy. And this is true. You can’t make this shit up. I did know a guy whose older brother worked in a hospital, and he had access to chloroform, which, he assured me, was a drug. I’m like, “all right.” So I did a deal with the guy, got a little bottle of chloroform. Didn’t touch it. I did not touch it. I put it in the bedside cabinet. My buddies come over, I played the album. I’m like, ♪ drugs, drugs, drugs ♪ ♪ take it, take it, take it, oh, yeah ♪ [sings guitar riff] for months. Eventually the big day arrives. I take the bus into the concert hall. I’ve got the drugs in the front pocket. Ticket in the back pocket. [Sings guitar riff] I get to the show. The opening act are on. I join in with the rest of the kids. “You suck! You suck! Ha-ha-ha. You suck!” They didn’t expect us to do this. Eventually the big moment arrives. The guy goes, “ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Deep Purple.” They go– [sings guitar riff] I take out the chloroform, take a hit, black out. Chloroform doesn’t even get you high. You don’t even go– [laughs] and then black out. You’re just there, and then you’re not there. I suppose that is why it never really took off as a street drug. It’s very difficult to sell. “Hey, buddy, check it out.” “What do you got?” “Chloroform. You wanna try it?” “Yeah, sure.” “Ah, shit.” It’s probably why there’s no chloroform anonymous meetings. What the hell would you talk about? “I fell asleep.” “So did I. And when I woke up, nothing had happened.” “Exactly.” I’m not kidding. I woke up to Ritchie Blackmore saying, “thank you very much. Good night.” I missed the whole concert. Let that be a lesson to you kids: just say no to chloroform. If a pusher offers it to you. That’s right. So I managed to wean myself off chloroform a day at a time. Got on to the softer drugs– cocaine, alcohol. Took a bit of heroin. I didn’t get much into heroin. I took a little bit, but heroin had a very odd effect on me. It made me hungry. That doesn’t normally happen with heroin. And it really pisses off the junkies because I’d be like taking the heroin, and I was like, “oh, man, I’m hungry. Let’s order pizza.” They’re like, “you can’t order pizza. We’re on heroin!” And I’m like, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know there were rules!” It’s like wearing white after labor day if you’re a junkie. Pizza on heroin? [Gasps] The shame! So it was pretty much alcohol and cocaine for me. I liked cocaine because it was a wonder drug that allowed you to drink more alcohol. Oh, some people that did cocaine and didn’t do alcohol, I’m like, “what kind of a freak are you?” Maybe that’s just me. Anyway, 20 years after the Deep Purple concert, I was in rehab. And that’s kinda how the story goes for me– really, a little bit. You know. I mean, stuff happened in between of course, you know. Alleged marriages… Crimes committed by a person or persons unknown. By the way, if you’ve never been to rehab, check your HMO. No, if you can, get along there. It’s hilarious. I loved it. I thought it was fantastic. I mean, you see people on dr. Phil like, “oh, rehab is so challenging for me, dr. Phil.” I’m like, “you’re an arse. It is not.” It’s fantastic! It’s fun. I loved it, especially the one I went to ’cause, you know, I’m an alcoholic. But they took everybody at this rehab. They took alcoholics. They took junkies, loads of junkies. They took overeaters, undereaters, gambling addicts, sex addicts. They are sensational, by the way. Get yourself a sex addict. These people cannot do enough for you. “I just wanna have sex all the time.” “Me too.” But I liked–there were a lot of junkies I was in with, and I liked being with the junkies. I enjoy a junkie. I think junkies are excellent fun to be around. They’re great people because–especially in rehab, because the junkies, god bless them, when they’re trying to get sober and clean, their self-esteem is so low, so low that they think an alcoholic is a step up. They’re impressed. They’re like, “alcoholic?” I’m like, “yes. Yes, in fact I am.” That smell of pee-pee that says “sophistication.” Really, you can lord it over them. It’s awesome. It’s like, “oh, you’re a junkie, are you? “I’m an alcoholic. Could you wash my car? “I have to go over here and do something alcoholic. “You wouldn’t understand. “There’s lots of equations and math, “and I have to use a pen. There’s a flow chart. It’s very complicated.” You can always tell when you’re getting better in rehab as well because you start being able to beat the junkies at jenga. “Your move, shaky.” “You’re like a god, man.” “No, just an alcoholic, thank you.” It’s awesome. Do you remember–do you remember–do you remember Oprah had that junkie on her show? What’s his name? James Frey. The guy that wrote A Million Little Pieces, the memoirs of a junkie. And it turns out, it was all pack of lies. It was a million little pieces of shit. And Oprah was horrified. No, America was horrified because a junkie had lied. Because if we can’t trust the junkies, then… Have you ever met a junkie? Lying is what they do. Drugs are a side effect. Talk to any junkie. “Are you smoking crack?” “Nope. “It’s a honey spirit. “Oh, that ain’t mine. That’s my sister’s hand. “She’s got a crack problem. It’s very embarrassing.”     It was explained to me in rehab, the difference between an alcoholic and a junkie was this. An alcoholic will steal your purse to buy alcohol and then be consumed with guilt and remorse and drink themselves to death over it. A junkie will steal your purse and then help you look for it. Beautiful, beautiful. They are so much fun. I like them. Anyways, so I was in rehab, and I thought, you know, I had sobered up, and I did what I had to do. And I thought, there was something I was gonna do. What was it? I was gonna go live in America. I completely forgot. 20 Years of– [violent babbling] So that was the ’80s, and then– so what happened was, I get sober. I wanted to go to America, so I had to clean up my act. I had to pay some people back some money. I had to avoid some other people for a while–a long while. And then about– it was January 1995, I thought, “I’m sober now. I’ve got my life together. “I’m gonna go to Hollywood. “I’m gonna get into show business. “I am. I’m gonna go to America. “One day I’m gonna appear at the Wilbur theatre in Boston. I’m doing it.” So January 1995, I came to America. You know, I was very excited because the movie Braveheart had just come out. And I thought, “well, they’ll need Scottish people in America for the sequel.” I probably should have stayed till the end of the movie, when I think back now. But I got to–I got to Los Angeles January 25, 1995, and I had nothing when I got to this country. I spent my money on the ticket and that was it. I got there and–nothing. I had two suitcases when I left that airport. They weren’t even mine. I stole them. My first six weeks in this country, I wore a kimono. The wrong way, apparently. But that’s a tale for another night. No, it was terrifying. I was really– I had no support system, I had no money, I had nothing, you know, no job, no friends. I had a bank account. And in my bank account I had 27 cents. I don’t know if you’ve ever had 27 cents in your bank account, but you cannot get it out. Just when you really need it, you can’t f*cking have it. It doesn’t matter what you make up and what story you come up with. You go to the bank, “well, I have an investment opportunity. It’s a little high-risk. I don’t wanna go in too deep. Maybe 25–oh, what the hell, 27 cents. We’ll see how it rolls.” It was terrifying. I had nothing. Eventually, though, I got this manager guy, this guy called Rick in Hollywood. He was called Rick. And he said, “don’t worry. I’ll get you a job.” And he did kind of in a way. He got me a script to audition for a pilot tv show. You know a pilot tv show? It’s a show they make in the spring for a series they’re gonna cancel in the fall. It’s kind of the tryout show. It’s a tradition in television. They do it every year. And so he got me a script for a pilot they were doing of a show called Suddenly Susan with Brooke Shields. Do you remember that show? Yeah. You remember I wasn’t on it. I’ve got feelings. Well, here’s what happened. I get this script for this pilot. And they mark on the script the part they want you to audition for, the part of the actor, you know, they use a highlighter pen. And the part they wanted me to audition for, I’m not kidding, was the part of the Hispanic photographer. I said to Rick, “are you shitting me? “I’m the least Hispanic person in America. There are Osmonds that are more Hispanic than me.” He was like, “no one gives a shit. “You’re foreign. Didn’t you see the Highlander? Just go, nobody cares.” And I didn’t have a job, so what was I gonna do? I tried. I tried to get to look a little more Latino. I grew a little beardy thing. It didn’t look good. It looked like I’d been eating chocolate ice cream or my teeth were metal and there were iron filings around or something. And then I tried to do a Latino accent, and that was–oh, man. I went to the audition, and there were a bunch of guys outside who all looked like Antonio Banderas. And I said, “como estas, everybody?” And then they all said stuff. I was like, “oh, yeah.” I don’t know. And then it comes my turn to go in for the audition, and–and the Hollywood audition, it’s a very– there’s a set of manners that go with it. It’s a very kind of passive- aggressive situation. The producers pretend that they’re too busy to look at you. So what they do is they are busily doing something, you know, with paper and stuff, and you go in, and they say “okay, actor boy, start your acting.” And then I started doing my Latino accent, and they were like… “No, you gotta come in here. “Trust me. Yeah, it’s f*cking ‘Ripley’s believe it or not.’ Come on. Come on.” And people are coming in, lots of people, all the Antonio Banderas guys, the security guards, people that don’t work there anymore. They’re all–and they were laughing and laughing and laughing. At the end of it, the producer said, “well, that was hilarious, but not really in the way we’re looking for, so thanks.” I was like– and as I was leaving, this guy called Tony Sepulveda, who was head of Warner Brothers casting– and Warner Brothers make all these different shows– he said, “that’s the worst Latino accent I’ve ever heard.” I went, “mm-hmm.” He said–“but,” he said, “we are doing a show with a fat guy from Cleveland. Can you do an English accent?” I know. That’s true. That’s true. He said, “can you do an English accent?” I said, “si, senor. Yes I can.” And that’s how I spent the next eight years of my life on The Drew Carey Show. I was like, “oh, Carey, you’re fired. “Mimi, you’re lovely. [Singing] “oh, I’m English, I’m English. “I wear ladies’ underwear. “I’m sexually not threatening to American men. “I don’t really scare anybody at all. I’m so English.” By the way, if you are English or even if you just know some English people, they will tell you that is the worst English accent that has ever been on television. But in my defense, I see it as revenge for Star Trek, so f*ck you, okay? I’m sorry. Scotty in Star Trek was the only one we couldn’t understand back in the old country. I didn’t know he was meant to be Scottish. I thought he was a Pakistani guy that had a stroke. “It’s gonna take a lot of physics” what? What did he say? “We’re out of dilithium crystals.” “Oh, Jim, she canna handle it.” What? “Warp factor 12.” Oh, that man, isn’t he brave? Anyway, so I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and it was awesome. And Drew Carey, what a lovely man he is. I know you probably think that Drew Carey is just a fat guy that likes fried food and strippers. And you’re right, he is. He’s awesome. What you see is what you get. [Sirens wail] anyway, they were fantastic to me, these people. Drew–f*ck, the cops. Go. Oh, it’s all right. I still got it! Still got it! Ho! Do you know the first year I was sober, I carried around a gram of coke just in case? Isn’t that crazy? Yeah, thanks. Anyway, I got this job on The Drew Carey Show, and I made all these friends. They were so nice to me, these people. It was really lovely. You know. They–I made some friends, and I made a little money, and I bought a car, and I met a girl, and we fell in love, and we got married, and we got divorced. It’s the American Dream! I pay my alimony in the U.S. of A., Mister, every month. Take that, Al-Qaeda. My ex-wife is a lovely woman. I do have to say that. For legal reasons. No, she’s all right. I like her. She’s fine. She’s a good person. I’m not gonna bad-mouth her. She’s the mother of my kid. She’s a nice person. I like her. I don’t like her as much as I used to. I think that’s fair to say. But she’s nice. She’s a good person is what I’m saying. And the marriage didn’t work out. It wasn’t her fault. It was all my fault. There, you may as well know it. It wasn’t all my fault. She’s crazy. Anyway… She’s all right. She a good person. But the marriage didn’t work out, but the wedding was awesome. The wedding was great. It’s what I like to think of as a very American wedding. It was two old cultures coming together in the new world, ’cause she’s a Jewish girl from New York, and I’m not, so what we had is this– “what? I’d like my money back.” No, I– so what we had was a Jewish-Scottish wedding in L.A. It was awesome. We had kilts and yarmulkes. I’m not kidding. It was great. We had the big, giant be-heck-heck thing. Everyone had big plates of blech to eat. I did that thing where I smashed the glass, and the Scottish side of the family are like, “why did you smash that glass? “That was a perfectly good glass. “That’s $3.48 for a glass like that. “Now fair enough if you’re drunk, “you smash it, you stab someone, these things happen. “But to soberly smash a glass? You’ve changed, Hollywood.” Then there were big fights between the Jewish family and the Scottish family about who gets to pay for the wedding. That’s the funniest f*cking thing I’ve ever said. Anyway, it was a great day is what I’m saying. The wedding was awesome. The only thing that didn’t really work out is the Jewish tradition of dancing around with the bride and groom on your shoulders clashes with the Scottish tradition of no underwear under the kilt. No, no. It was particularly embarrassing for me because I have got a huge c0ck. Hey, no, that’s not a joke. It’s a medical condition. You can’t tell in these pants, so just don’t even try. I can feel your eyes boring into me. There’s a secret compartment. I had them made in Vegas. I could have a white tiger down here and you wouldn’t even know. And in a way I do. No, I’m only kidding. I’ve got a regular-sized c0ck. If I was 25-foot tall, it would be a regular-sized c0ck. You think I’m kidding, don’t you? All right, listen, how many other Scottish people do you know that are this upbeat? You’ve kind of changed your tune a little bit. That’s interesting. I was watching you. You were kinda like–“hmm, I’m not so sure I like this. “He cusses a little too much. “I don’t like the cheeky monkey thing and all that. “Oh, c0ck? “C0ck. Finally, something for me.” I wouldn’t wish it on you, actually. It’s a curse. It costs a fortune to feed the damn thing. It is a curse. It takes so much blood. Every time I get an erection, I faint. Not only do I faint– not only do I faint, so does everyone else in the room. [As a female] “Oh, my goodness.” [As a male] “Oh, my goodness.” [Baas] all right, all right. That’s enough c0ck. (Woman) No! Yeah. Yeah. It’s not a phrase you hear often, I guess, is it? “Well, that’s enough c0ck. What’d you wanna do now?” “More c0ck?” “Sure.” That’s enough c0ck. As if. No, anyway, so I got married to this lovely girl, and we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, just the two of us. Well, three of us–me, her, my giant c0ck. Off we went to Hawaii. It’s very difficult to travel with a giant c0ck, actually, because you either have to store it underneath the seat in front of you or in the overhead locker. And you have to be careful when you land because it may have moved during the flight and it could fall and injure a fellow passenger. “Oh, what the hell is this? “Oh, can’t you put some wheels on this thing? What the hell?” “Would you like me to hang that up for you?” “Yes, please, could you?” Oh, you laugh, but it’s terrible. Anyway, we went to Hawaii on our honeymoon, which was great. I loved Hawaii. I loved the Hawaiian people. I felt a great affinity with them. I like them. Because they have this island paradise with, you know, fresh lobster coming out of the sea and pineapple growing everywhere, coconuts on the palm trees, and all they wanna do is eat fried spam. These are my people. I belong amongst them. And we stayed in a very, very swanky hotel ’cause it was our honeymoon. And I don’t like a very swanky hotel. I always feel very uncomfortable in a super posh hotel. I always think they’re gonna find me out. I’m not from a wealthy background. I always think someone is gonna say, “can you go over there and just clean those glasses and tidy up that table?” “Sure, yeah, of course. Oh, thank goodness. Gives me something to do.” I just like a regular hotel. Clean towels, you know, let’s get me in. That’s fine. I don’t– a Best Western, an Embassy suites, a Hilton, a Rah-mada– a Ramada, a Ramada. A Ramada! Oh, f*ck it. No, a Rah-mada. No, I meant a Rah-mada. Oh, you don’t know about the Rah-madas? Oh, I’m sorry. Don’t they have one in Boston? Oh, I didn’t know you don’t even have a Rah-mada hotel here yet! Oh! Oh-ho-ho. The Rah-mada hotel. Listen, you can say what you like about Al-Qaeda. They make a lovely breakfast. “Welcome to the Rah-mada. “Try the jihad omelet. “Oh, this? No, no, no. I bumped my head. I’m from Kentucky.” What I mean is I just like a regular hotel, just an ordinary hotel. Nothing fancy, and especially not that new type of thing that they’re doing now, these Ian Schrager-y– what do you call them? Boutique hotels. You know, when it’s sort of a boutique, it’s sort of a night club, and it’s sort of a hotel. Like people go in and actually hanging out in a hotel. I’m like, “why are you hanging out in a hotel? “Hotels are for hookers and porn. They’re not for people to just hang around in the lobby.” Maybe that’s just me, but I– but I don’t like staying in these super swanky hotels. They’re all like night clubs and everything’s purple, and everyone’s cool and good-looking, very good-looking. The people that work there are so good-looking, they can’t help you. They’re too good-looking to help you. “But I’m a guest in the hotel.” “Yes, but.” Do you know what they’re like, they’re like the people that work in the trendy clothing stores, when you say, “I’d like to try on these pants,” and like, “oh, I don’t know if we got those in fat-ass. “Do we got those in fat-ass? “No. “Can you go outside? You’re making me sad.”     I tell you the first time I noticed this, I was staying in a hotel, the first time I stayed in one of these swanky boutique hotels. I was standing– I would stand there– I was working during the day for– I can’t remember what it was, but then at night I was in the hotel. It’s about 9:00 at night, and I had nothing to do. I was stuck there. I didn’t know anyone in town. I had nothing to do and I thought, “what will I do? Maybe I’ll go to the lobby. “Um, no, I can’t. I’m too old. “I’m too fat. I’ll be judged. “I can’t go to the lobby. “I can feel all that shit in my room anyway. I don’t need an elevator ride.” And then I thought, “uh, here I am, a man alone in a hotel room “with nothing to do. “How will I wile away the hours till the morning comes creeping?” I thought, “shall I watch the pornography? Shall I?” And actually, I thought, “no, I’m not gonna. It’s too bleak.” No, I was– I don’t have porno at home. I’m raising a kid. I don’t do it. But-but I–in a hotel, I thought, “well I’m kind of on vacation, maybe I’ll look at the porn.” And then I thought, “well, no.” You see, I’ve kind of gone off hotel porn since they got rid of the free preview period. You remember it? You remember it. You remember it, right? Yes. It’s true. They used to give you 30 seconds of free porn, right? You remember that? It was awesome. In case you didn’t know what porn was or to make sure it was porny enough for you, I guess. 30 Seconds of free porn, and you can get a lot done in 30 seconds. Ah, the frugal orgasm. If you’re a Scotsman, there is nothing finer. So I thought, “can I watch the porn? Can I? Oh, god. That’s a bit grisly and bleak. All right.” Well. I thought I’ll put on the menu because the menu for the porn sometimes makes me laugh. You know when they take the name of a regular movie and turn it into a porn movie like Shaving Ryan’s Privates or something like that. That’s a real one. That is a real one, Shaving Ryan’s Privates. It’s actually it’s a bit grisly for the first 15 minutes, and then it actually gets really good. If you can sit through it. There was one that I heard about once called– on a hotel menu, it was Pump Friction. And John Travolta was in it. No, he wasn’t, no. He wasn’t in it. Anyway, I thought, “will I watch the porn? Will I?” I looked at the menu so I–no, I turned on the menu for the porn. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. A very trendy hotel in the middle of San Francisco– a huge gay community in San Francisco, of course, gay porn on the hotel. That’s exactly the noise I made in my room. That’s exactly what I did. And I thought exactly what you thought. I went, “where the hell is this going? “Things were okay until now. Gay porn?” And I thought– I saw it and I thought, “I find myself on the horns of a dilemma.” On the one hand–not gay. On the other hand–European. Maybe I should see this in the interest of international understanding. Now I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but– and let me just say I have friends, good friends, gay men I’ve known for a long time. One guy, I’ve known this guy 30 years. He’s a good man. I respect him. I trust him completely with anything in my life, but I had no idea that’s what was going on. I thought it was just assless chaps in a parade. I thought it was something to do with interior design and being cool. I’ve turned this thing on, and I’m like, “hey! “That is not on Will and Grace! “Stop that, you’re hurting him! And he’s a fireman!” You know, when you leave a hotel room early in the morning, you’ve got an early flight and maybe questioning your life choices and your sexuality, and you’re thinking, “oh, god.” And everybody’s left the remains of their room service orders outside, little trays with little cakes on them and little bits of dessert and fries, there’s always a fry. I always eat that fry. It’s a kind of an OCD thing for me. It’s something I do to make it a good day for me. And you know, I just eat the fry. It’s like touching a midget for luck. It’s just something I do. It’s embarrassing sometimes ’cause, you know, the maid is in the hallway maybe and you have to pretend you’re tying your shoelace. “And buenas dias to you.” I was– I was telling people that I do that. I was telling a friend of mine that I eat the fries, as kind of an OCD thing. He’s like, “you’re crazy. “That’s not ‘oh-ho-ho-hee-hee-hee’ crazy. That’s crazy.” And I’m thinking, “you know what? “May-maybe I am crazy. “Maybe I’m going crazy. Like proper crazy ’cause I’ve lived in Hollywood nearly 14 years.” And what happens if you live in Hollywood and you get any success– I’ve only got a tiny little bit of success. What happens is that people start to form around you. You know, managers, agents, publicists, lifestyle gurus, pilates instructors, your own personal f*cking barista, everything, just–people start to form around you and what these people do is they create problems that do not exist, and then they solve them for you, and you pay them for that. And that’s crazy. Problems that do not exist and then they solve them for you, and you pay them. Problems that don’t exist. It’s like– you know what it’s like? It’s like those infomercials that are on the same time as my show on tv. You know what I’m talking about. The black and white footage of an actor, picking up a phone and pretending it’s hard to use a telephone and the voiceover’s going, “do you have difficulty using today’s modern telephones with their phoniness?” And the guy’s going, “yes! “It’s so difficult to use a phone! “It flies out of my hand. “It hits me in the c0ck. “It runs off. It never phones me. “It runs around the house killing the pets. I don’t know what to do.” “What you need is the phone glove.” “The phone glove, you say?” “Yes, the phone glove. What you do–you put it on. “The phone fits snugly inside. “Everyone will think you’re great, and everyone will want to f*ck you!” “Hi, Stacey. You wanna come over? Thanks, phone glove.” Problems that do not exist and then solve them for you, and it’s crazy. And what happens in Hollywood is the more success you get, the crazier you get. Then you get more success and more crazy, and more success and more crazy until you reach the apex of success and crazy, shining like a beacon of lunacy throughout the world– Tom Cruise. [Moans] [laughs hysterically] I’m sorry, that is 12 foot of crazy in a 4-foot man. I met him once. I touched him for luck. He chased me, like, three blocks. [Laughs] [imitates flute] “You shall not cross the bridge until you answer my questions three.” What the hell happened to Tom? I loved tom. I love Tom Cruise. I think he’s awesome in the movie with the sliding and the “you can’t handle the truth.” And upside down in the plane and he flies it, and he’s great in that movie, and everybody else is a jerk, and they don’t understand him and he solves problems and saves the earth. I love Tom, but he’s gone crazy. When I saw–not when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch, which is crazy enough– when he was doing that interview with Matt Lauer. Do you remember that? I’ve always liked Matt Lauer. I do. I think he’s America’s perky sweetheart, much more than Katie Couric. “Although now that Katie’s on CBS, “she’s a great professional. “We admire each other. Gee, I love to play pranks on her. We go to the Hamptons all the time.” Bah! F*cking ridiculous industry. Anyway, what happens was that Matt Lauer is interviewing Tom Cruise, and they’re talking about tom’s movie that had just come out, you know, and in the movie, tom’s great, everyone’s a jerk, Tom saves the world. And-and then, for some reason, the conversation got onto Brooke Shields, who, you will remember I did not work with. And Brooke Shields at that time had a book out. Because what happened was after the birth of her second child, Brooke had suffered from postpartum depression, and in order to get through it, she’d taken antidepressant drugs, and that really helped her through a very difficult period in her life, and in order to help other people– and to make a couple of bucks for herself– she’d written a book about it. And Tom was furious. He was like– [laughs hysterically] “the plane! The plane!” He was like, “Matt, Matt, Brooke shouldn’t take antidepressant drugs for postpartum depression.” And I’m thinking, “Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom! “You’re a man talking about postpartum depression! Shh! Shh!” If you’re a man and the mother of your child is suffering from postpartum depression, here’s how you treat it: do what she says. Get the f*ck out of the house. But Tom was like, “no, no, Matt.” And it went on. It went on to all sorts of depression. It was crazy, just depression they were talking about. And Tom was saying, “people should not take “antidepressant drugs for depression. They’re just masking the symptoms of depression.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They mask the symptoms. The symptoms of depression is depression. It’s not a symptom of something else. It’s not like you go, “oh, I feel really sad,” then your ass falls off. The symptoms of depression is depression. “Oh, I feel so sad.” Clunk. “Oh, no! That’s even worse.” The symptoms of depression is depression. You take away the symptoms of depression, you don’t f*cking have it! But Tom– Tom is like–Tom was furious. He’s like, “no, Matt.” He’s like, “no, Matt, these drugs, they’re just a crutch, they are just a crutch.” And I’m thinking, “yes?” They’re a crutch. You don’t walk up to a guy with one leg and say, “hey pal, that crutch, it’s just a crutch! “Throw it away! Hop, you bastard! “That crutch– that crutch is masking the symptoms of your one-leggedness.” I have an idea. I’m a citizen now. I would like an amendment to the constitution. Actors, shut the f*ck up about things you know nothing about! Does it seem so wrong? I mean, my god, I understand– I understand there’s corruption in medicine. There’s corruption in all– all areas of human endeavor. You put people and money together, you’re always gonna get a little bit of jiggery-pokery. But in 97%, let’s say, of these cases, these drugs are prescribed by doctors. Doctors. Not actors, doctors. Sounds the same, little bit different. Doctors go to college. Actors go to rehab. But think about this. You’ve come to the show tonight. Perhaps during the day, you felt a lump somewhere on your body. A little lump, you don’t know what it is. You think, “oh shit, what the hell is this?” You want me to look at it for you? Because seriously, I will look at it for you if you want. I think you’ll be fine. But we should probably check. No, I don’t know. I think Tom probably was crazy when he was jumping on Oprah’s couch. You should not jump on Oprah’s couch. Oprah is powerful. Perhaps the world’s last superpower. I’m not kidding. Think on this–you’re worried about Russia and China, Iran getting nuclear weapons, don’t worry about that. Think, if Oprah wanted weapons-grade uranium, and she went to the U.N., they’d be like, “you go, girl, of course. There you go, Oprah, uranium-235.” In fact, she wouldn’t have to go there. They’d go to her to be on the show. They’re like, “there you go, Oprah. Uranium-235. “In fact, Oprah, we have uranium-235 for everyone in the audience.” You know, I’ll be honest, I actually admire Oprah Winfrey. I don’t always agree with her, but I admire her. Because she has immense wealth and immense power, and she’s trying to do something good for the world, and I can’t have anything but respect for that. And I became fascinated with her show. The first time I saw it, when I just moved to America, it was on at 3:00 in the afternoon in L.A., and, you know, I didn’t have a job, so I was watching it. And the first one I saw, I was transfixed. Because the subject was woman that have had too much plastic surgery. And I was like, “oh.” Because plastic surgery is an epidemic in Los Angeles. Not so much in Boston that I’ve seen, but in Los Angeles– [mixed reaction] let me finish, please. That’s a good thing. That’s good. Be who you are. You can– it’s all different and diverse. In L.A. everybody looks the same. Everybody looks like they’re traveling 140 miles in a f*cking motorcycle. [Imitates motorcycle] You can’t tell what anybody’s thinking. “That is hilarious. I am so angry at you right now.” Anyway, I was watching this Oprah with the– you know what they had on? They had on that woman that had so much plastic surgery, she turned into a cat. If you have so much plastic surgery that you had changed species, maybe that’s too much plastic surgery. And the woman was on, she was defending herself. She was like, “it’s a lifestyle choice, Oprah.” But this doctor was on, and the doctor was saying that women can stand the pain of plastic surgery better than men just ’cause they’re genetically predisposed to deal with pain because of childbirth. You know, what it is with me, it’s–it’s the breasts. Surprised, I know, but it is, it’s the breasts. No listen, I swear. I try to be, you know, a post-feminist man. I respect women. I do not ogle women, unless I am invited to ogle in some meaningful way. I don’t, you know– I do not disrespect women. But when I see a woman with breasts three times the size of her own head… There’s nothing I can do about that. I am not involved! It goes straight to the reptile brain. I’m just like… “Blah-ah!” “They’re not real.” “I don’t care. Must do motorboat.” [Blubbering] Oh, come on, everybody loves the motorboat. It’s the only thing that men and women agree on. “You probably shouldn’t be able to do it to your husband, but what the hell? Enjoy yourself, I say. Anyway, this doctor on Oprah was saying that women can stand this pain, which is true. I remember–I remember before my own son was born, his mother and I–it was a very fun time for us in the marriage. We went to these breathing classes. Not regular Lamaze classes. It was L.A., very L.A. Lamaze classes, very kumbaya. Lots of, you know, ♪ baby, it’s coming, oh ♪
 ♪ new life arriving, namaste ♪ they’re burning sage and a gong and everything. Getting everybody to do yoga. Which is cruel–some of these women were nine months pregnant. You get a girl that far along to do downward-facing dog, she’s gonna fart and be embarrassed, and it’s not right. “Baby”– [farting sound] “I am so sorry.” “Don’t worry, it’s nature. Namaste. Put a little more burning sage on the burning sage there.” But at the birthing classes, in order so that, you know, first-time parents won’t be freaked out– and it’s all first-time parents at a birthing class, by the way. Anybody who’s already got kids is like, “yeah, fine. I’ll see you in the E.R., all right?” If you’re a woman here tonight, you’re expecting your first baby, you’re spending a lot of money on these breathing classes, knock it off, save your cash. Get some shoes or something. Because when I was in– I was in the delivery room, I was the only one going, ♪ ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪     I felt such a fool. ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ the doctor’s like, “what the hell are you doing?” “I’m helping, doctor.” ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah-ah ♪ my son still has a morbid fear of Enya. ♪ Ahh-ah-ah-ah ♪ you know, if you are a first time mother and you– you’re telling yourself that lie about you’re not gonna have your baby with drugs and you’re gonna have your baby in a bucket of mud– no, you’re not. You’re gonna have drugs. You’re gonna want them. And they’re gonna be sensational. And you’ll enjoy it so much you’ll want to have another baby right away. So don’t worry. But in order so that first-time parents won’t be freaked out, what they do is they show videos of actual births. Sir, are you all right? Do you have any Purell? Isn’t that kinda weird when people put Purell on after they shake hands with you? I’m like, “f*ck you.” “F*ck you, doctor.” Anyway, they show videos of actual births, which freaks everybody out, of course, ’cause all of these births on these videos, they were shot in the 1970s. This is before the ladies started trimming downstairs. I was like, “wha-wha-what is this? What?” I had never seen one in its natural state. I was like, “what the hell is this? “Is that a cat? “Cat-cat, pussy-pussy cat-pussycat-pussycat. I got it. I got it. I got it.” And when the baby’s born, it’s not like a birth, it’s like a midget walking out of a forest. “Too-toot-to-toot-too-too.” And with that beautiful and uplifting image of new life, it’s time for me to bid you good night. Not very convincing, but thank you. Don’t “ah” me, you bastards. I’ve had a wonderful time here. And I want you to know this. What they said about you in Hollywood… F*ck these people. Good night, everyone. [Cheers and applause]"
1686242811-378,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Drew Michael: Red Blue Green (2021) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/drew-michael-red-blue-green-transcript/,"(EMOTIONAL MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC ENDS) DREW MICHAEL: It’s nice to see you people. I have a hard time with people, so here we go. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Well, it’s always been hard for me to connect with people throughout my whole life, and I think there’s, you know, a lot of reasons for that. Um, I have a hearing loss that I’ve had since I was a kid. When I was three years old… I failed a hearing test. I took a hearing test and the doctor said, “You failed the hearing test.” Well, I didn’t know what he said, but… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …he said something, and my parents got upset, so I assumed I didn’t nail it, and… So he told my parents, he said, “This kid needs hearing aids.” And so instead of doing that, they didn’t. So we just… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …coasted until I was 21. I didn’t wear them till I was 21. I wore them for like a week when I was in fifth grade, but then this girl I had a crush on asked about them. She’s like, “What’s in your ear?” I was like, “Well, that’s the end of that forever.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “So I’ll figure… I’ll figure it out.” It instilled this kinda sense of shame in me. You know, I took it as something was wrong with me. I put it on myself. I go, “I must be fucked up.” And then I’m like, “No, my doctor fucked up.” And then my friends were like, “No, dude, your parents, your parents fucked up.” And it’s like, “Oh, cool, well, add it to their tab.” Like, I don’t know… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They got a long tab running, you know. Also, they got divorced when I was 12, which is, like, the most “fuck you” age you could possibly… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, you guys weren’t, like, killing it when I was five. You couldn’t have done it then? You had to wait until I was 12? They did do the thing where they… This is a common thing I think parents do when they get divorced, they tell their kids… They told me, “It’s not your fault. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault.” It’s like, “Yeah, first of all, I wasn’t thinking that. Uh… I don’t know why you thought I thought it was on me. Have you seen you guys? Mom is cripplingly insecure, and Dad’s addicted to prostitutes. On what fucking world is this on me?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I didn’t have a good blueprint… for what a relationship should look like, so, you know, I’ve struggled accordingly. I’ve had issues in relationships. There’s other reasons for that, too. Like it can’t be a good thing… (CHUCKLES) It can’t be a good thing that the first… 2,000… sexual experiences of my life… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …were with a Dell computer. Like that can’t be… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It can’t be helping. It can’t be pushing me in the right direction on this pursuit of love and happiness that I’m on. Two thousand. That’s the number, by the way. I didn’t, like, write down a funny number for you. I counted. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s literally 2,000, age 12 to 19 was exclusively that every single day. I bought a computer for my family with my bar mitzvah money, and then I fucked it for seven years straight. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING)     That’s how I began. That is the origin story to my sexual identity, just downloading sexist shit into my head. Then waltzing out into the world like, “Oh, yeah, I totally respect people.” How? How is that even possible? It’s so corrosive. That shit will rot your brain. And it’s certainly, for a young boy, like, it’s insane. Even now, it’s like… We like to pretend like it’s fine, but that’s only because we don’t have to acknowledge what it is that we’re doing. It’s like this virtual, wordless escapade. You never have to be accountable for what it is you’re doing. I think before… you’re allowed to click on a video… you should have to say the title out loud. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) How badly do you want this? I feel like most people are like, “I’m just gonna call my mom and reconnect… the person I need to be.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) And it’s bled in. Yeah, my relationship dynamics have always been somewhat turbulent. A lot of back and forth, break up, get back together kind of things. A lot of things that start really quickly. It’s like immediate intensity, you know? Because usually I feel like shit about myself and they feel like shit about themselves, and we come together and we’re like, “Well, we have each other. And we can do all this stuff! We can do all this stuff together now that we’re both here. We can rub each other’s heads. We can take naps together. We can, like, slow dance in the kitchen while we’re waiting for our cookies to finish baking.” How specific do you want me to get? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But then when I have all that stuff, I’m able to see, I’m like, “Oh, this is a very codependent relationship, this isn’t healthy. This isn’t the kind of thing I wanna be in long term. You’re not the person that’s right for me.” So I’ll be like, “Maybe we should break up.” But then they leave, they take all the stuff! I’m like, “I wanna break up with you, but you should love me still. Like, you should still give me all the things, just don’t ask me for anything.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, “I need you. Like, this is all built off of the back of you. Like, your love for me gave me the confidence to even feel like I could break up with you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I never would’ve broken up with you if I was by myself.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) But it’s a self-esteem thing. I don’t feel… I don’t feel, like, good enough for the person that I… that would be right for me, you know? So, what if… I play this in my head. What it feels like I need to do is I need to find a girlfriend, uh, in order to be confident enough to be the type of person that I would need to be in order to attract the girl that I actually want to be with. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) On my own, I’m nothing, but in a relationship, I’m kind of a catch. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I feel like this is a common phenomenon, that love at first sight, that idea, it gets propagated. We all know what you mean by it, “love at first sight.” And it’s something that’s a really enchanting idea, you know? ‘Cause you’re like, you know, one minute you’re alone, the next minute you’ve found the one. It’s like, “What a… What a day.” (CHUCKLES) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) What a day that would be. And so it’s so enticing, but I’ve seen… I’ve gone that route so many times, I know what’s on the back end of it, so it’s hard for me not to be cynical about it. Now when I hear people like, “We knew right away…” Did you? ‘Cause now anytime I hear someone say about their own relationship, “We knew right away,” all I hear is, “We were both abandoned as children.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) You knew right away? Your threshold for loving a person is you saw them once? That seems like a low bar to clear. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I feel like maybe you can’t handle the anxiety of uncertainty, so you went from zero to 100 right away to skip over that prospect of rejection and the risk that they might not be who you imagine them to be. Am I close? Am I fucking close? -Like, I feel like that… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) …is a more accurate characterization of what we’re talking about. If you’re drawn to somebody that quickly, that strongly, that intensely, that immediately, that’s not love. You probably have unresolved trauma.     (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) And the other person probably represents an embodiment of the trigger of that trauma, so you’re drawn to them in this misguided attempt to retroactively fix a fucked-up period in your past. That’s not love! Don’t call that love. Don’t rebrand that as love and make the rest of us feel bad. Don’t be out in the world like, “It was love at first sight.” Say something honest like, “It was ‘I felt the way I did when my dad left’ at first sight.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I’ll believe that. I’ll believe that, yeah. “My husband’s face looks just like the back of my father’s head, so I chased it…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…to now.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You should not be chasing. Don’t chase. Love should not be chased. (GASPS) You shouldn’t have that, like, “Are we gonna make it?” (CHUCKLES) No! (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) If you’re wondering, no. You should not be chasing. Like in movies, like, to propagate this idea, “chase them,” and that rom-com fantasy of chasing someone to an airport. Chase a therapist to an airport. Like, don’t… Like, “Don’t leave, we have so much work to do!” Like, that’s… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLES) No, ’cause movies have to show you… They can’t show you what love actually is. We don’t wanna see it. Love isn’t entertaining. They have to show some dramatic, conflicted version of love. They don’t… We don’t wanna see love, actual love. It’s beautiful. I’m not shitting on the sentiment. It’s an amazing thing between the two people. It’s not fun to watch. Think about a couple you know, maybe you are that couple, who are truly in love, in love, like, together, good, healthy. We don’t wanna watch that. Like, if you wanna… If you… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) If you watched a movie about a couple in love, you would just be on your couch watching a couple on their couch, watching a better movie. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) You’re like, “Why… What are they watching? I’ll just watch that. Why don’t we cut out… cut out the middleman? I don’t need…” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh, my God. That’s not what they show you. ‘Cause we don’t wanna see… We don’t wanna see healthy, good love. We wanna see, like, a manifestation of, like, our own internal dramas played out… for entertainment value. The problem is there are people out there, like when I was a kid, who are like empty canvases, who internalized that. And so it starts to skew their view of what love could be. Like, people who don’t have a healthy blueprint are gonna absorb that and take that in. You know, I was 12 years old when the movie Titanic came out, and that was, like, iconic love story. Like, here it is, epic love, cruelly interrupted by fate. And I look at that movie now, I’m like, “Wait, what were we rooting for here? What did we want to happen? For them to get to New York? They weren’t gonna make it as a couple.” What did we think? They’re 20 years old, they’ve known each other two days. I don’t know everything about relationships, but like, hey, maybe don’t marry the artist you fucked on a cruise. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Maybe that’s not the move. Five minutes after you tried to kill yourself. Do you remember that’s how they met? She was trying to kill herself by jumping off the boat, and he was like, “Hey, I’m pretty hot. What if you didn’t do that?” And so… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s how they started. They knew right away. Like, that’s the thing, is like, what happens? How is that gonna play out? Even if they get to New York, what? -They have nothing in common. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)     You know what I mean? Like, all they have is the excitement that they made it. That lasts, what? Six months, a year… two years, maybe? What happens five, ten years down the road? Just sittin’ there. He’s like, “So… you want me to draw you?” She’s like, “Fuck you!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I was engaged to a billionaire. I had to sell that necklace to pay the heating bill. You haven’t sold a sketch in years, Jack. How’s that art gallery going, Jack?” He’s like, “Oh, come on. Remember when we danced -with the common folk?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Terrible. It would’ve been terrible. People are like, “Oh, it’s so sad what happened. If they didn’t hit the iceberg…” Fuck that! The iceberg is the hero of that movie. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It might’ve killed Jack, but it saved the rest of Rose’s life. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I like movies, I do. I do. I don’t like movie culture, though, like Hollywood… like the culture surrounding it. And every time I get roped into watching an award show, I’m always reminded, like, who the fuck makes these things. It’s like, “Oh, my God.” You ever watch an award show? It’s like this shouldn’t be on television. This should be, like… like, in an underground cave at Bohemian Grove. Like, why is this in front of the public? ‘Cause they try to act like they’re down-to-earth. Every time an actor wins an award, they always give some… It’s not some, like, normal speech, it’s like a lofty, sociopolitical response to the moment. It’s like, “We need to find a way. There’s a lot of problems in the world. We need to find a way to come together and not let it divide us.” Like Meryl Streep, “We need to come together.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Find unity and strength, and break down the barriers that keep us apart. -And find strength and unity.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Come together as a globe, as a nation, as a people.” I’m always like, “Yeah, uh, you’re wearing a diamond dress from Givenchy.” Like, on what fucking planet are you part of “the people”? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, what do you think? Like, if there was a true people’s revolution, like a people’s uprising, it’s gonna be your blood -splattered on the sidewalk. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They’re not gonna spare you ’cause they liked Devil Wears Prada. They’re gonna rip your fucking head off, stick it on a stake, and sell that diamond dress to a cartel for machine guns. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) They’re not gonna be like, “Oh, get in the bunker. We love the nuance of your artistic choices. It was so brave of you, how you dared, oh, how you dared to be a middle-class character.” Like, “Oh, how you pretended to be a thing people are their entire lives. How did you do it? How did you prepare for the role?” And they’re always like, “Oh, I lived amongst plumbers -for eight months.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I lived how they lived. I ate how they ate.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, that’s it, you can’t. You can’t preach togetherness and unity when you’re that rich. You just can’t do it. You’re rich. You’re super rich. That’s why you got rich, is to get the fuck away from everybody. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s what money is. Money is just an escape from people. That’s why we want it. Everything money does for you. Doesn’t even have to be a lot of money. You’d be like, “Ooh, I can afford an Uber.” What’s an Uber? That is a bus for one person. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) It’s like, “Yeah, I like the bus. I just wish there were no people on it and it only went where I want it to go.”     (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, you can do that. You gotta pay for it. You wanna join a gym, there’s different kinds of gyms, right? There’s a whole spectrum of gym options. There’s a ten-dollar-a-month gym on one end. Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym on the other end. What’s the difference? Two-hundred-dollar-a-month gym, it’s nicer. It’s not 20 times nicer. It’s not like the ten-dollar-a-month gym, the walls are falling off, and you pick up the ten-pound weight and it’s 100 pounds. You’re like, “Oh, fuck this gym! The dumbbells are Gatorade bottles filled with rocks, this gym sucks.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) No, there’s still equipment there. The 200-dollar-a-month gym, you pay 200 dollars a month so you don’t have to look at people who can only afford ten dollars a month. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s what you’re paying for. You wanna be able to do a pull-up without being reminded of the dark underbelly of capitalism. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s a 190-dollar surcharge to not have to make eye contact with the consolation prize in this fucked-up game we’re all playing here. That’s what you’re paying for. That’s the premium. Everything money does for you just pushes you further and further away from everybody else. You wanna fly, you buy a plane ticket. First-class ticket, way more expensive. Why? There’s less people up there. They won’t tell you that. They’ll be like, “No, you get more space.” It’s like, yeah, motherfucker, space is just the absence of people. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s not a new entity. Space is a euphemism for not anybody. “No, you get all this legroom.” Yeah, ’cause they’re no people in the way of where my legs are trying to go. We could all have legroom back here if we weren’t all back here. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Now, could you imagine if two people in economy class were, like, fighting over the armrest, and some asshole from first class came back and was like, “Hey! We need to all work together. We need to find unity and strength as a flight. We’re all flight 348, after all.” Then they swoosh the curtain and go back to their apartment in the sky. How quickly before the back rows start bundling their plastic silverware together to storm the front? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, “No, no, we’re not trying to hijack the plane, we’re just trying to kill rows one through five. Take their hot towels and orange juice and spread it around.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s the fantasy. Everyone fantasizes about what they would do when they get rich. You wanna get away from everybody. Nobody fantasizes about togetherness. Nobody’s like, “Oh, dude, if I got rich… (CHUCKLES) I would get so many roommates.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, it’d be sick, we’d have like a dishes schedule.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, the fantasy is, “I’m gonna build a moat around my house. People aren’t gonna be able to ring my doorbell without swimming across a crocodile-laden river.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Fuck everybody. And I got nothing against rich people. You just can’t have it both ways. You can’t bridge class with a speech. You can’t have it all and then have this, like, faux empathy. Like, “Aww… it’s so sad, people don’t have any money.” It’s like, “Well, you seem to have it.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Try giving it away. You don’t have to have it.” And these phony causes, every Thanksgiving, one of them comes out with, like, “It’s so terrible what happened to the Native Americans.” It’s like, “Fucking, I don’t know, give ’em the land back.” (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) “No.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “We can’t do that. Where would we put the offices of DoorDash?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I swear to God, these fucking… Like North America could be, like, falling into the ocean. We could all be killing each other over grain seeds and fresh water. These people would be like on Mars, -tweeting, “Stop the violence.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Love is stronger than hate.” And changing their profile picture to a blue circle to show they still care about Earth. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Going on Jimmy Fallon to promote it, like, “Yeah, we’re changing our profile pictures to blue circles to raise Earth awareness.” Jimmy’s just like, “Oh, my God, it’s genius. Such a good idea.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, my God, how’d you think of it? It’s so important. You’re doing such important work.” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Oh, my God, it’s…” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Jimmy Fallon. I’m sorry, is there a more Guy Smiley, useless, puppet fuck of a person… (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) …than Jimmy Fallon? Professional napkin. Like how the fuck? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY) Dude, I used to think Leno said nothing. Fallon makes Leno look like Malcolm X. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Like, “Oh, yeah.” (BABBLES INCOMPREHENSIBLY) I’ll never get asked to do the show, but… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (CHUCKLES) I… I would wanna do it just one time, just to be like, “Hey, Jimmy, what do you not like?”     (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “What… Is there anything… Do you have a hard stance on fucking anything?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) He’d be like, “Oh, my God, it’s such a cool take.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (GIGGLES) “I don’t know, I… I just kinda float around. I have no discretion, yet I’m hugely influential. Culture’s a joke.” (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Every time I speak, I mean less to myself. I’m murdering my identity up here.” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) “It’s genius.” (LAUGHS) Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Like you could literally… You could put a gun in his mouth and… (MIMICS GUNSHOT) …blow his head off and he’d be like, “Oh, my God, my brains are on the wall! It’s so cool!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “How’d you do that?” He’s a horror movie villain. You can’t kill him. His weapon is just effusive nothingness. He just keeps coming. (SCREECHES) “Come back! Don’t you wanna play truth or dare with Ariana Grande?” (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING) Nice. (SIGHS) Look, I just think if entertainment is gonna be this ubiquitous, it can’t be this devoid of humanity. It just can’t. It… You know, ’cause I grew up, entertainment was important to me. And so, you know, I looked to it for something, and to be that devoid of substance, it feels… insulting. The problem with entertainment is that it’s all made… by the same type of person. It’s made by entertainers. Right? So it’s like… Entertainers are psychotic. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, just statistically. So, look at this room right now. Almost everybody in the room is sitting nicely, looking at this, and only one person is like, “Heh, heh, my thoughts.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “My thoughts.” And after this is over, you’ll go home to your respectable lives. And I’ll try to find another place to do, “My thoughts.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Soon I’ll be full.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) So you have to consider the source, right? I think about that with all media. Social media, for example, like, you know… You look at like Twitter or something like that, it’s like… Like Twitter… Who’s on Twitter? It’s just… It’s only people who think it’s like a good idea -to be on Twitter. Like… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s not everybody. It pretends to be everybody, like, “Ooh, everyone’s mad.” You look at the trending topics, “Ooh, what’s everyone talking about?” It’s not. Most people aren’t on it. Eighty percent of the public doesn’t use it. Ninety percent, I think, doesn’t use it regularly. So, like, what’s trending? Like… Most people aren’t there, so what’s really trending is shutting the fuck up. Like, most people… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Most people are doing that, but you can’t register that. You can’t show somebody not tweeting. Like you can’t… They should show how much we don’t tweet also. They should show like a tweet, and then you scroll through blank space for like seven hours. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And then you come across another tweet. You’d be like, “This is a barren wasteland for lunatics.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Everyone on Twitter is somebody on Twitter. There’s an inherent insanity in the medium. Right? It’s the same reason I can’t trust Yelp. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Every time I look at Yelp, I read a Yelp review, I’m like, “Yeah, but this person wrote a Yelp review.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Why am I listening to a person who logged in to write three paragraphs on broccoli rabe?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Everyone on Yelp is someone on Yel… Every Yelp review starts with someone going, “I’m gonna write a Yelp review.” Like, fuck whoever that person is. But that’s everyone on Yelp. Everyone on Yelp is someone who uses Yelp. Everyone on Twitter is someone who uses Twitter. I want a social media site where the only way to use it is to not. Like, I don’t wanna hear the thoughts that you want me to think that you think. I wanna hear what you think. I wanna hear what you don’t even let yourself think you think. You know those thoughts? You ever have like a fucking crazy thought that bubbles up, and you push it away, you’re like, “Didn’t think it! Didn’t think it. Still a good person. Didn’t… ‘Cause I didn’t think it all the way. I didn’t finish the thought that I clearly started, so somehow that’s not me.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I want those. I want you to cut open your heart and dump it into my brain. Intimacy is what I’m looking for. Which is not… I shouldn’t go to social media for intimacy, you can’t get it. You ever see someone try to be intimate on social media? -It’s fucking terrible. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It doesn’t work. It never works, ’cause it doesn’t have the language for intimacy. ‘Cause intimacy is amorphous. It doesn’t come with a character limit, or a soundtrack, or filter, it’s just… (GRUNTS) The language of social media, is like, snark and division and attacks and clapbacks and, “Oh, that? Oh, clearly you don’t even know about this.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That rises. That gets a lot of attention. But we’re all, like, fucked up, right? It’s like very confusing, and there’s a big market right now for certainty. Anyone who has an answer, even if it’s the wrong one, is in demand. That’s why you get this whole rash of people who garner these followings, ’cause they’re giving people a narrative. All these like, you know, podcast hosts, demagogue type, usually a white dude who’s like, “Hey, the media and the government are all lying to you, but you know who’s not?” (LAUGHS MOCKINGLY) “Me!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Me, the guy trying to sell you CBD oil and sex toys every 30 minutes. I’m your beacon of truth. Wear me, listen to me.” This is collective narcissism. It’s changed the way we think, like the way we process our own language, like how we sound. I remember in the ’16 election, they were talking about the Rock maybe running for president, and I said that to a friend, I was like, “Yo, I heard the Rock might run for president.” My buddy was like, “Is the Rock a Democrat?” And I was like, “Dude, listen to the sentence…” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “…that you just said. Is the Rock a Democrat? I don’t know. He’s a fake wrestling character. I don’t know where he stands on healthcare.” Is the Rock a Democrat? I don’t know. Did the Yellow Power Ranger support the war in Iraq? What the fuck are we talking about? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Where does Mickey Mouse stand on abortion? I don’t know. Is he a “second trimester or before” kind of mouse, or more like a hardline… (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) “Life begins at conception, folks.” Like, I don’t know what Mickey thinks. Does Mickey think, or does he just do whatever the artist makes him do? Is there a consciousness in Mickey? Do any of us think, or are we just being guided by an unseen hand? Is thinking part of the illusion? Is Descartes a fraud? This is why I had to get off of Twitter. I existentially spiral. I lose who I am. I did, I deleted my Twitter a year ago. I still have Instagram because I’m stupid. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Instagram is… It’s like hell. It’s just like hell. You can download hell to your phone for free. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)     It’s free. Hell is free. Instagram is just like, “Hey… uh, are you not feeling jealous today?” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Come hang out. Look, there’s a beer, some food you’ll never eat. Go fuck yourself. We hate you. We are trying to tear you down. We don’t give a fuck. Here’s places you’ll never go. Here’s a person that will never fuck you. Go fuck yourself. We hate you.” “We are manipulating your emotions, and then monitoring them so we can sell you shit. You want a bracelet? Yeah, we knew you would, motherfucker.” Literally. Literally! Literally. People are like, “What do those bracelets mean?” They mean I’m a fucking moron! (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) They mean I was depressed and got a targeted ad and thought these bracelets would turn it all around. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That’s what they mean. “You are nothing. We have hollowed you out and emptied you and filled you with ourselves and the desire for more. You are powerless against it. This is a takeover. Didn’t happen the way it did in Terminator. It’s a lot more subtle, with more cat videos and 14-year-olds twerking. Is that a crime? Ha, ha. We’ll never tell you.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I hate it. It makes me feel like shit. The only social media site that I like… is, uh, Venmo. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) That’s right. I like Venmo. Venmo’s a money transfer app, which everybody knows. But what not everybody knows is that on Venmo, there’s a feed, where you can like… tab over and you can see all of your friends’ and your contacts’ financial transactions, which should be illegal, but it’s there. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It’s right there. And I like it because it’s honest. It’s the only honest social media site out there. Every other social media site is a projection of a version of yourself that you wish you were onto a canvas. Not Venmo. Venmo is the honest antidote to the horseshit of Instagram. Instagram makes you feel bad because you’re aware of your own fears and insecurities and preoccupations, but you’re not seeing anybody else’s. So you’re always gonna lean that way. So you see a picture on Instagram of, like, a couple… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Maybe they’re on, like, a beach… looking at a gorgeous sunset. Maybe they’re eating a pizza. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You look at this, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck? The fuck is wrong with me? How come I’m not doing that shit, huh? Is there something wrong with me? Is there a hole here that everybody can see? Do I emanate darkness, do I repel love? Is there a limit to my emotional aptitude? Did my father’s genetics set that limit? Do I need to go back on antidepressants? What the fuck is going on inside of me that’s not leading me to that type of bliss? What do I have to do to get there?” But then you look at Venmo and it’s like, “Oh, no, dude, they split that pizza.” (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (APPLAUSE) “I’m doing just fine.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “I don’t need medication.” (CHUCKLES) It’s not a referendum on splitting stuff in a relationship. I think if you’re gonna split stuff, just don’t split the items. Go every other. Does that make sense? I’ll see that on Venmo. I go on Venmo, I’ll see, “Boyfriend sends girlfriend money for tacos.” I’m just, like, how the fuck do you go down on someone after you just sent them eight bucks? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) (SCOFFS) “You’re just bitter, Drew, that you have no one to split stuff with.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, I’m single. I’m 36… and single. I’m single and 36, which is fine. Uh, but it is almost not. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Like, it’s not bad yet, but bad is next. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Bad is the next stop on this… train. A lot of my friends are married. And it’s cool to see. A lot of them are in, like, really great relationships, really healthy, good, loving relationships. And it’s really amazing to see. I go to their weddings, I really enjoy it. Seeing them come together, it’s a beautiful thing. And I hear a lot of the same things in the vows. There’s a common refrain in the vows, which is something about, like, you know, “I get to marry my best friend.” “I’m so lucky to have found my best friend.” “I never thought I would spend the rest of my life with my best friend.” And I hear that, I’m like, “That’s such a beautiful sentiment.” Like, the person you marry should feel… like your best friend. I’m in the back, I’m like, “Well, I’m 36, so who the fuck meets their best friend in their late thirties?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Who’s out there like, “This is my best friend! We met when were 38!” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Tell him, Doug!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, it doesn’t happen. They’re all having kids, too, starting families. My friends starting families, it’s beautiful to see. I don’t have my own family. I have, like, a family from which I’ve come. I don’t have… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …the next line on that. Like on a family tree, I’m just a node that ends. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s just like, “Who’s that?” “That’s your great Uncle Drew, nobody loved him.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Just a leaf on a twig. Just a Styrofoam ball with no toothpicks, if we’re using school project lingo. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Oh, cool, you got me a PlayStation for my birthday. I love you, Dad.” I just beat God of War for the fourth time. (AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERING) It’s a good game. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s not “hugging my smiling child” good. (AUDIENCE LAUGH) But the gameplay mechanics are pretty tight. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I think part of the reason I don’t… have a family, well, at least what I used to tell myself, is that I do this. It’s something that I chose. I chose a different path. I remember I started doing stand-up when I was 22. I dropped out of school, and… at the time, my mother warned me. She said, “You know, it’s not very stable. You’re gonna be living hand-to-mouth, traveling a lot. You’re not gonna be able to settle down.” And she was right to an extent. But the problem was, she was telling this to a 22-year-old dude. Like the least likely candidate on Earth to settle down. I don’t know if you know any 22-year-old dudes, but they’re not technically people. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Just unprocessed pain and skin. Like, that’s pretty much the identity there. So, 22, I’m hearing this, I’m like, “Settle down? What are you, a hundred? I don’t give a fuck. I’m going on the road, Mom. I’ma follow my dreams! Nobody is gonna stop me!” That was my attitude. Now I’m 36. Now I see the punchline. Now it’s like… (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) “Nobody is going to hug me as I die.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) Is that funny? I don’t know. I structured it as a joke. Does that make it funny? I don’t know. Does comedy have the ability to transform the emotional constitution of reality, or is it just adding a layer to an unfortunate event? I don’t know how the physics of comedy work. I used to tell myself that it was a sacrifice I was making. I was leaving that on the side to pursue this. And I used to look… It was very easy to make that argument, ’cause I used to look around and there were a lot of men who accomplished things that I considered to be great, whose personal life was kind of left by the wayside. And so it seemed to me as a necessary component. I remember in high school I learned about Isaac Newton. And Isaac Newton invented calculus. He also died a virgin. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Which begs the question, can you invent calculus while fucking people? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I don’t know. It’s never been done. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) A more modern example, Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs was an incredible innovator… uh, terrible father… right, which we know, it’s documented, but we also just knew. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) We knew. Every time we’d go into our pocket, if Steve Jobs were a good dad, we’d pull out a Samsung or a Motorola. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Every time you text someone and it shows up blue, that’s Steve Jobs not going to a piano recital -or a softball game. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And I don’t think we have the right to judge him. Like, we are all glad he did it. Like, we encouraged that. As a society, we would all rather one girl grow up with a shitty dad than have to all of us use Windows. Are you out of your fucking mind? You want us all to click a Start button and run clunky .exe files just so one girl can open her gifts next to the guy who paid for them? Fuck that! She can get them from a nanny while the rest of us enjoy our… technological ecosystem seamlessly integrated. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That’s what we encourage. We encourage it. True happiness has no societal value. We want productivity. Give us… Make something or shut up! Like, we don’t care. So there’s this incentive to do it. And it gets even more fucked up. Someone like Michael Jackson, who was this incredible popstar and a horrendous babysitter, you know, where it’s just like… (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Yeah, it’s an easy one, but it’s fun. It’s fun, though. It’s so easy, but it’s so fun. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, but even that, like there’s such an instinct to defend these guys. Like my first instinct is to be like… see it from their side, because I think we’re such… we’re conditioned to like them on that level. So even with Michael, I was like… you know, there was a part of me… I watched that documentary about him, I was like, “Oh, that’s fucked up.” But there was a part of me that was like, “Yeah, but if not an eight-year-old boy, who was Michael Jackson supposed to date?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You know what I mean? What is he looking at, options-wise, that makes any sense at all? Somebody his age? He did that. He was married to Lisa Marie Presley, a grown woman, and that was weirder somehow. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) That was weirder. They made out on television. It was fucking weird. There was like an awards show presentation and at the end, they like did this kiss, it was just awful. Like, “Oh!” The whole world was just like, “Oh, my God.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Jesus, will somebody get this guy a kid?” -Like, “This is horrible.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Because Michael Jackson with a kid, it upsets us morally, but it looks right. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Michael can’t date an adult. You wouldn’t set your friend up with him. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Who’s he supposed to… What is he gonna do, go on like a blind date with a 35-year-old software developer? How’s that gonna go? “Hey, nice to meet you, Michael.” He’s like, “You wanna play tag? You’re it.” Like, come on. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “Where are your…” “Tag? I thought we’d go to dinner.” “Dinner’s for dumb-dumbs. We can eat candy at my house and stay up as late as we want. Tee-hee!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Michael can’t date an adult. I don’t even know what kind of adult would be into Michael. Like you wanna… you wanna fuck him? Listen to him sure, but, like, you wanna… (IMITATES MICHAEL JACKSON) You wanna fuck that guy? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) You wanna fuck him? “Here, doo-doo head.” You’re gonna fuck him? Dude, if you’re an adult and you wanna fuck Michael Jackson… you’re a pedophile. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But you look at all these guys, you know, Michael Jackson, Isaac Newton, Steve Jobs, they were adored by the world but hated by the people closest to them. And I would imagine that you’d tell yourself that that’s a sacrifice… that you make, but… as I get older, I look at it differently. I don’t know if I look at it as a sacrifice anymore. Maybe… maybe not. Maybe… they just ran from responsibility into the arms of ambition. You know, maybe Apple and Pixar… are just built off the back of one man’s inability to be intimate with the people closest to him. Or with himself. And so it recasts my own path, where I’m like, maybe this isn’t a sacrifice. I’m not comparing myself to… Steve Jobs and… Isaac Newton, you know. It’s a matter of scale. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But even in the comedy world, even the people that I looked up to… When I started, all the people that I looked up to, they’re all either, like, prematurely dead, utterly miserable, or, like, sex criminals. So… where is this headed? (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Where is this path going? Their greatness is predicated on their accomplishments, but we fail to recognize how they failed in their private moments. And I think that’s a masculine definition of greatness. Because, like, I don’t look at that as great anymore because they couldn’t confront who they were as a person. They couldn’t confront the emotional reality of their experience. That is greatness to me. To do that, that is a much greater thing. How great can something be if it’s built on avoidance? I think you have to… confront. And it’s scary. It’s a scary fucking thing to do. Like, I get it. It’s like totally scary for a lot of reasons. One, you can find out that the story you’ve been telling yourself about yourself isn’t true. You can find out that what you thought was like the harsh, brutal reality of yourself, you’re just resting on an easier narrative that could be subverted by something else. Like I used to tell myself stories about myself that have shifted over time. I used to tell myself this was a sacrifice. I used to tell myself that what I was doing up here was important, that it was fearless. That I was fearless for doing this. I had the balls to say shit that nobody else did. Things like that Michael Jackson joke, I’d be like, “That’s fearless. That’s a fearless fucking thing. You can get mad at me. That’s fearless. I’m willing to stand that down.” But as I get older, I’m like, “That’s not… I think it’s funny, but it’s not fearless.” Because my emotional experience is nowhere in there. I’m nowhere in that joke. I wasn’t molested, and I’m not a pedophile. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) That would be fearless. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) The most fearless pedophile joke you could tell is to be one and admit it publicly. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) No, worst-case scenario, worst-case scenario, the joke bombs and you don’t like it. You look at me, arms folded, shaking your head and say, “No.” Fortunately, that didn’t happen this evening, but it has happened. It could happen. You can get mad. You could think I suck. You could not like me. But, counterpoint… who are you? (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I can barely see any of you, and I love none of you. So what is this power… that you hold over me? You’re not me. We are always our most terrifying audience. I believe that. That’s why it’s so funny when people say that, like, public speaking is the number one fear of people. They say, you hear that, “Public speaking is the number one fear of people.” It’s like, “Well, I’m sorry, was confronting yourself on an emotional level not on that questionnaire?” The fuck you talking about, public speaking? I’m public speaking right now. It’s fine. I’m public speaking as a way to avoid confronting myself on an emotional level. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) This is all. Like, up here it’s, like, “Dopamine!” And if I were at home, it’d be like… (SCREECHES) (SCREECHES) I have used this to avoid so many… I can’t tell you how many relationships I’ve been in where I’ve been like, “Oh, sorry, I can’t hang out with you tonight. I have to go do a show.” Or more specifically, “Sorry, I can’t be there on your birthday. I need to go do this bit about how all my relationships fall apart.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s like just, “Do I need any of this?” And I think as men, we have this tendency to wanna process everything in our lives through, you know, intellect, or logic, or our thoughts, or our reason, things that we do, things that are tactile, and it’s like… you’re ignoring the entire emotional subset of your experience. And this idea that logic and emotions are separate, they’re not. Like your thoughts are not separate from how you feel. Your thoughts… Thoughts are just emotions in drag. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) It’s the same ecosystem. It’s hard to dive in… like that. Therapy’s a good way to do it. I think people… a lot of people need… They’re men… all men. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Yeah, I’m comfortable saying that. All men need to go to therapy for… 20 years. Like… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING, APPLAUDING) Roughly. (CHUCKLES) Sometimes guys get mad. They’re like, “Fuck you, I don’t need shit, you pandering pussy.” It’s like, “Hey. You do.” (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) “What was that?” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) Women need therapy too. But usually when a woman goes to therapy, it’s because a man in her life didn’t. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) I started going four times a week. It’s a program, it’s called psychoanalysis, and it’s, uh… The reason you go so often is so that you don’t have time to close up. Like, if you go once a week, you have all week to just close back up, so you stay open throughout the week so you can access parts of yourself that are much harder to access normally. And so it’s very emotional. It’s very exhausting. It’s very trying. I cry a lot. I sob… The other day, I sobbed for, like, 20 minutes straight. And this is how fucked up I am. As soon as I collected myself, my first thought was, “That shouldn’t count toward my time.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) But that’s me trying to get out of that moment. Like that moment was hard to swallow, and so… joke, out, now we’re out of it. But I don’t think that’s how progress gets made. I think if you wanna make progress, you can’t take that left turn at a punchline. You have to go… You have to sit there and process it there. You have to go down. You have to take that Miss Frizzle Magic School Bus all the way. “We’re going to your emotional core!” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Look out your left window. Is that Mom going on a date instead of hanging out with you? Yes, it is.” (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) “Process it! Feel it!” You have to stay there, and leave it there. You can’t buy yourself out of the moment. Otherwise, the progress won’t get made. It’s very hard to do. And I’m up here and I, like, I want to bring you in. Like, that’s where this is going. Like I want… That’s the next step, is I want to bring you all to that place. But it’s hard because, like, I don’t know if there’s a show down there. But I wanna bring you in, but I feel conflicted. I feel like I can’t… I have to like… I feel like that’s how this works, is I go in, I mine my own life for sadness, and then I contort it into a balloon animal for you so you don’t feel ripped off. (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) I tried… to do that. I wrote… I wrote a joke… that tries to do that. Why did the chicken… (AUDIENCE CHUCKLING) …cross the road? AUDIENCE: Why? Because… he grew up… with an untreated hearing loss… which deprived him of a major sensory connection to the people around him, and it isolated him to the point of chronic torture. And his parents were too caught up in their own drama and insecurities to attend to it, so he processed it as though there was something inherently wrong with him. And his feelings are a threat to his relationships, so he just suffered in silence, feeling like he was 100 feet underwater, wondering why nobody was coming to save him. And then, he finally started wearing hearing aids, which created this insane sensation of being able to participate in a world that he didn’t understand. But because his self-worth was predicated on how special he felt, he realized that the trodden path didn’t appeal to him. So he would get high and watch stand-up comedy as a way to numb the agony of how lost he felt. And in doing so, he found a lot of connection with their points of view, and he thought, “Wow, if I could do that, people could connect to me like that.” So he decided to drop out of school and pursue stand-up comedy, and doing comedy made him feel better for a moment, but it never forced him to address any of the reasons he actually felt like shit. He so badly wanted to feel special and powerful to make up for how worthless he felt, so he would say all sorts of fucked-up things, onstage and off, as a way to separate himself. And a lot of it he stands by, but there are a lot of things he said that were flagrant and unnecessary and hurtful and racist and sexist and homophobic, all of which he justified under the guise of pushing the envelope, which he thought was an act of justified rebellion against some arbitrary authority. But too late, he learned that a lot of those boundaries are derived from real people’s feelings and experiences and he was essentially exploiting their actual pain and using it as a traffic cone to satisfy this story he was telling himself where he was a genius. And just because people laugh at something doesn’t inherently make it good. They could be just as emotionally immature or ignorant as the perspective in the joke, or they could be responding to joke structure and timing more than content. And then, one day… (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) …all the world’s stages boarded up, so he sat alone in a room for a year, and he did nothing but talk to the walls and a therapist. And with no emotion to escape into, he slowly started breaking down the paradigm he’d constructed and moved into the feelings he was running from. And he discovered how badly he had been hurting his entire life, and what it actually is to hurt so badly. And he realized that there was not a single period of his life in which he was truly happy. And through that, he started to realize how much pain he had caused other people. He instantly regretted all the ways in which he’s needlessly made people feel like shit in order to protect his own conception of himself as strong. Then he wanted to disappear from the world entirely because he felt like such an incredibly bad person for having done these things. So his instinct was to beat himself up about it and tell himself what a horrible person he is, but he’s been shaming himself his entire life, and all these things he did were just ways to push people away and deprive himself of any meaningful connection, because of how badly he felt about himself, because it was too scary and painful to be open enough to connect to anyone else. So, while he hurt people, he was hurting no one more than himself, and he doesn’t want to do that anymore. He has worked so hard to clear out space within himself and feel safer in his own body and treat himself like a friend he loves as opposed to an enemy he hates, which means he no longer tolerates dynamics based on his own self-destruction, which has changed numerous relationships in his life, including the one with the art form that he loves. The fear has always been that if he makes peace with the subterranean feelings that drive all of this, he’d lose this piece of himself which has helped him survive and get to this point, a fear that he won’t be funny anymore, he won’t be special, he’ll just be, which has been an intolerable notion because he doesn’t feel like enough on his own. He’s only known how to exist by chasing, or thinking, or running, or fighting, or straining, or suffering, or striving, or analyzing, anxious energy which ultimately manifests the very same emptiness it’s borne out of. And it keeps him locked into one side of himself, but he’s making every effort to find a way to not give in to those anxieties and sit with the quiet inside of himself because he wants so badly to get to the other side. (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Thank you very much. (APPLAUSE CONTINUES) Thank you. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES) (“CARNIVAL” BY COREY LAITMAN PLAYING) Well, I know It’s all you can do To put one foot In front of the other When the cold has got Your bones And there’s a virus Hiding out in your brain So if you’ve got to carve out Your sterile spaces And hide out inside Those high up places In the name of staying safe And keeping sane In this wind and this rain Oh Funny thing, I’ve been Watching you charm the crowd They’re laying down Their arms Oh They’re clapping out loud Oh, but funny thing You’ve grown so small It’s hard to see you There at all Well, I know It’s all you can do To put one foot In front of the other When the cold has got Your bones And there’s a virus Hiding out in your brain Oh So if you’ve got to carve out Your sterile spaces And hide out inside Those high up places In the name of staying safe And keeping sane In this wind and this rain Oh (MUSIC CONCLUDES)"
1686242374-272,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Eddie Griffin: The Black Man’s Bible (1994) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/eddie-griffin-bible-negro-version-transcript/,"HBO Comedy Half-Hour
 Episode aired 21 July 1994 They always make Jesus look like an old Hells Angel on heroin with dusty drawers on. Jesus was a black man. You don’t believe me? Read your Bible. It’ll tell you he had skin of bronze. That ain’t a black man, … my ass. Hair like sheep’s wool. If that ain’t a afro, my name ain’t Eddie motherfucking Griffin. Strong brother. Left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. It wasn’t that soft guy they had in the movies, marching around with that fucked-up music playing. ♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪
 ♪♪ Ohh oh oh ohh ♪♪ I’m like, “is this the son of God, or are you getting ready to pick cotton?” Nam sayin’? Jesus left the house when he was 13. That’s a bad motherfucker. Went to his parents, “Look, I got to go.”
 They are like, “No baby.”
 “No, I got to go. I got people to save and water to walk on. See you!” Nam sayin’? He wasn’t walking around in no dusty drawers! Jesus was knocking motherfuckers out. Trust me when I tell you. You walk into a new town and tell somebody, “I’m God’s son.” What’s the first thing coming on your mind:
 “N i g g e r, you tripping. Get out of my face with that bullshit. I’m trying to sell these mushrooms here.”
 ‘Cause drugs ain’t that new. Jesus steps to him:
 “Look, imma give you one more chance. Stop what you doing because you’re about to ruin the style and the image that I’m used to.”
 Nam sayin’? Brother like, “yeah, right.”
 Jesus clocks him. “Byeah!”
 “Yes, lord! I see the light! A whole lot of them!” Jesus was so cold, he was at the last supper, godfather style. Strong brother don’t get loud. 12 motherfuckers eating his food– his homeys. Back then, they called them apostles. Homeys, partners, his n i g g e r s, his road dogs, eating up his shit. Jesus sitting there scoping them out: “I know one of you motherfuckers snitched on me… But I’m gonna let you slide… because it’s in my father’s plan. If it wasn’t, I’d be whopping your monkey ass.” Jesus was so cold, he was on the cross, still talking shit: “I’ll be back in a couple days. These little nails don’t mean shit.” They opened the tomb, Jesus was gone. John seen him walking down the street: “Jesus, that you?”
 “It ain’t Peter, motherfucker.”
 Nam sayin’? And that’s power, man, to be able to wake somebody from the dead. That’s power. Somebody break in Jesus’ mama house. Jesus be like, “go on upstairs, baby girl. No, no. You going upstairs, I got this”.
 “Come on out  behind that couch, n i g g a. Come on out from behind that couch. You can’t hide from me. This is Jesus. What the hell your problem, fool? You don’t break in mama house. That’s the virgin! There’s something wrong with you, boy. You got a problem. You got a problem.” “Yeah, I got a problem. Heh heh heh. I got a problem like a motherfucker, man. See, I ain’t got a lot of things. So sometimes I have to take them. I heard about you. You’re that brother they call Jesus. Be doing miracles and shit. Why don’t yo hook a n i g g e r up with a miracle?” “I’m going to hook your little ass up. First, I’ll teach you a lesson. Bam! Bam! Now, get on up.” If I had that power, I’d be killing motherfuckers all day long. “Don’t fuck with me no more! The line said 10 items or less!” Moses was another strong brother. I’m sorry. It wasn’t Charlton Heston. I’m sorry. We know Egypt is in Africa. I’m sorry! Moses had a big old nappy ‘fro and a nappy beard. Cold brother. Walked into the pharaoh by hisself. At the time, the pharaoh was the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Walked in with just a stick. It wasn’t that begging shit they had Charlton Heston doing it. “Would you please let ’em go?” This was a N i g g e r. He walked in, “look here, motherfucker. “I hate to he to put this stick on your ass. Stick a bad motherfucker. I got frogs, mosquitoes in here. I’ll whoop your ass!” You know the pharaoh must have been sitting down cracking up. “This N i g g e r done lost his mind. “N i g g e r, you been wandering around that desert too long. Your brain fried. I ain’t letting these slaves go. Who going to build my pyramid, fool? You ain’t the only one with a stick. That N i g g e r over there got a stick. He got a stick. Old N i g g e r, we’ll stick you like a king. Since you my half brother, I’ll let your ass slide because I know you’re deranged.” Moses wasn’t no fool. He seen all them guards. Moses like, “I’ll give you till tomorrow.” Next day, pharaoh sitting around, “shit, ah… Hey, where Moses at? “You get Moses up in here! “Hey, what up, Moses? “We going to let the slaves go hey, can you take these mosquitoes back?” And then Moses– “no. The stick put out. Don’t take back.” N0 “just get the fuck off! Hey, baby, you got any calamine lotion?” So Moses takes the slaves out to the red sea. Pharaoh changes his mind. You know why, because his wife was on his case. “You ain’t nothing but old soft-ass N i g g e r. “Going to let them slaves go. “N i g g e r, who going to crush my grapes, make my wine? That wasn’t nothing but one N i g g e r with a stick. Y’all had sticks! You needed to be wearing that little skirt you got on!” Pharaoh got to play like he still the man. “Baby, I’m setting them up. Get them all at the same place, and then I got them. You got any calamine lotion?” So the pharaoh gets out to the red sea, sticks the staff in the water. Shit don’t part immediately like it did in the movie. That N i g g e r got nervous for a minute. [Chanting] “Hey! Hey, god! “Hey, help a N i g g e r out! Got all the people here.” [Chanting] There’s one motherfucker standing off to […]? “Now what are we going to do, Moses? Done marched me out here. N i g g e r, I can’t swim.” “Now, either this water part, or I’m parting your ass.” When the water finally opened up, Moses wasn’t the first one through. He didn’t know how long that shit was going to stand up. Moses like, “go ahead, my people. Go ahead.” “Shit, it’s cool.” There was a couple motherfuckers at, “shit, might as well get catfish while we in here.” Nam sayin’? The dumbest motherfucker in the Bible to me had to be Lot’s wife, of Sodom and Gomorrah. This is the dumbest bitch ever. She make La Toya look like a genius. Nam sayin’? They lived in a town called Sodom. You know what Sodom is– ass fucking. A town full of ass fuckers. God up in heaven, “I’m tired of smelling the shit. “I’m burning this motherfucker up. There’s a lot of shit-packing going on.” He came down to lot and his wife, and this was in the days when God talked to you in stereo. It ain’t like today when you be praying and you hear something, “no, that’s my head fucking with me.” This is when it came in stereo! He said, “lot, I’m going to burn all this shit, “but you been on your knees regular. “You and your wife ain’t doing the freaky-freaky. “So I’m going to let you know, get the fuck out of town. “Take your wife. Just get on out and don’t look back.” Said it again! “Don’t look back!” Lot like, “cool. Shit. All right. Much love!” “Baby, come on. “Fuck that dress. Fuck them refrigerators.n “just get your shit. Come on. Let’s go! Don’t look back. I like the pussy. Come on.” They walking down. Lot’s stupid-ass wife– they get 5 miles outside of town, this bitch going to doubt God’s word. Bout.” “Baby, I like the pussy. Don’t turn around.” “I want to see n i g g a.” Lot didn’t even flinch. He’s like… “Kind of salty. Sure going to miss that pussy.”     Then there was Adam and Eve. Mmm! You know, Adam must have been real fucked up, man, before god made Eve, because there’s no pussy. He walking around the garden butt naked, jacking off, naming shit. Madder than a motherfucker! “This shit ain’t right!” “Tree!” “Giraffe!” “Birds! “I’ll name y’al. Individually later. I’m tired.” Look at the professional jack-offs that know that thumb action. “Water come out this thing, but it won’t go down. Kind of tingle right there.” You know, god must have been up in heaven tripping. “Damn. What the hell did I forget? “I got the trees, the air, the water. “This N i g g e r keep holding his dick. “Something missing! “Goddamn, N i g g e r! What the hell did you forget? “Aw, damn! Oh, no! All right. All right. All right.” “Hey, Adam!”0 “Yeah?” “Got something for you.” “Is it going to make this go down?” “Oh, it’ll handle it. It’ll handle it. Going to cost you a rib.” “A rib?” “Go on and do what you got to do. Do what you got to do!” [Grunting] “shit. You didn’t say it was going to hurt.” “Now, roll over and see what you got.” “She’s got lumps on her chest.” “I’m going to call you Eve “yeah. “Oohh!t ahh!” [Sniffiog] “we ain’t going to do that yet. That smells like that thing I call fish.” “Hey, she got hair, but she ain’t got no thing.” “Oh, you like that? “Ahh! “Ughh! Ughh!” “It ain’t that bad.” “Yours go in, and mine’s come out. “Open your legs. Leave them open!” “Come here. Bend over.” “Ah-ha! Hi-yah!”  “Let me go!” And that’s how fucking was born."
1686241391-23,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Katt Williams: Live (2006) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/katt-williams-live-2006-full-transcript/,"[Police siren blaring] [Police radio chattering] [Crowd clamoring] CHRIS: Thank you. 100.9 the Wiz. Blazing hip hop and R and B. Jamming in the building right now. Man, it’s just an honor to have this guy just stop by just to say hi and say what’s up to Cincinnati. My man Katt Williams in the house. Say, Katt, you doing some big things there, man. What’s actually going on? What’s bringing you back to Cincinnati? You know, this is my place of origination, so the first thing you want to do if you make any success, is you want to go back to where it started, and you want to try to put something back there. And I’m not really interested in whatever political issues are involved with that. My concern is, you know… First of all, let me say that I do want to respect other people’s opinion and what they’re doing in a very serious situation. So I don’t take the boycotters lightly at all. On the other hand, I am a public official. I am beholden to the public, and I view my job as seriously as a fireman does his job. So a fireman goes where the fire is and tries to put out the fires. That’s what he does. I’m a comedian. I make people laugh, and the best people to make laugh are the people that are hurting. So I go where people are hurting, and I stand on the stage, and I make people laugh for an hour and a half, two hours. Now, if you think that that’s so serious, you feel like that’s something that shouldn’t be done by me, then I’m sorry. We just have a difference of opinion. That’s good. That’s a good thing, and, you know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause l… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show. Right. -You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow. You should be applauded for that. -I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second. I just want to let everybody know exactly what is going down. What can they expect on the 25th at the Taft Theatre? Yeah, exactly. I wanted to, you know, come take the temperature of the town real quick. You know what I mean? I had to hit the streets. Yesterday, I went to a couple of schools, hit a couple of streets in Avondale, turned a couple of corners. You know, just trying to talk to some folks out there on the street and see what they think about me coming. ‘Cause that’s really my concern. Okay, the people. Yeah, exactly. -It’s all about them anyway. Hey, please don’t forget the hood. If you forget the hood, the hood will forget you. Chris: You know that’s right. That’s how you end up real, real light-skinned in court with the Moslems around you. [Chris Laughing] [Imitating Michael Jackson] Beat it! Too late now! We need you to be a Negro in your time of goodness. There you go. There you go, man. I want to thank you for coming out here, man, and just spending time with us here. You’re always welcome. You know the doors are always wide open for you. I appreciate you, dawg. For real. No problem, Katt. No problem, man. Thanks a lot for having us. And thanks a lot for doing this in Cincinnati. Lord knows we need it. Well, you know, this is where the pimping came from. You got to bring pimping to the birthplace. -You gotta come… You’re right. You’re right. -Yes, this is the real Ohio players’ society. This is a secret pimp society. I got to show America how a pimp like this was created. [Audience applauding] MC: From Cincinnati. You know him as Money Mike. Give it up and welcome the very funny Mr. Katt Williams! Um, before we get cracking, I do have some complaints about Cincinnati. Let’s get this out the way before a n i g g a gets started. I been here three days. It’s been all… How the fuck is you n i g g a s gonna have all the weather? This is bullshit! Seventy-two hours. It’s been hot and mild, rainy, cloudy, sleety, cold. This is bullshit. A pimp don’t know what to wear in this motherfucker. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on, some swim trunks, some Timberlands and an umbrella, because I don’t know what may happen in this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit! Yesterday it was 181 degrees. Today it was 36. What the fuck? You can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees. As soon as you walk out, “Bitch, where’s my money?” Pimp down! 10-32, bitch! Get the trunk! I am a boy, Damon! Got to love Cincinnati. This is the ugliest, nastiest, dirtiest, most beautiful place in all of the United States of America. Shit. You can just be driving in a nice neighborhood, just driving, just look at the architecture, and look at the clocks and the fountain and… Oh, my God. And then three seconds later, what the fuck, n i g g a, is that? Is that two crackheads and a pit bull, n i g g a? What? We didn’t even turn a corner! N i g g a, why? Crackheads in Cincinnati be working hard. See, people with a day job think a crack salesman has an easy job. They don’t know this n i g g a got to do five jobs. This n i g g a got to be a salesman, security, lookout, gunman, all of that. That’s all his job. N i g g a just own the corner, just… This is bullshit. Got to love Cincinnati. I hadn’t been here in a minute. I needed some clothes. I asked the lady at the front desk, “Which mall should I go to?” She said, “Sir, there is a mall damn near attached to the hotel.” If this ain’t the most rinky-dink mall in all of the United States. I almost went back and smacked the shit out of her. “Now, ma’am, you know it wasn’t nothing for n i g g a s in there!” Paintings and incense burners and shit. Mall looked big from the outside, looked big like it’s five blocks long. You get in that motherfucker and find out it’s built in a circle. We just in the mall… “Oh, n i g g a, this is nice. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. Is that a Foot Locker, n i g g a? “They got a Foot Locker? That’s nice, n i g g a! “They got two motherfucking Foot Lockers? “This is the shit, n i g g a! “They got three goddamn Foot Lockers!” I fucked around and bought the same pair of shoes twice. Y’all forgive me while a n i g g a takes a drink and adjusts his electronic technicians. You got haters here, too, though. Oh… Oh, you got some haters in Cincinnati, now. All over the world there’s haters. You got to be careful, ’cause it’s easy to become a hater. See, most real n i g g a s think that haters are born. Haters are made. They start out just like us, real n i g g a s. They want to do good so bad that n i g g a s no longer respect the grind, the journey, the struggle, the shit you gotta do in between. These n i g g a s want to be ballers overnight. I saw some shit in Cincinnati today that hurt my spirit as a n i g g a. And I hope that the n i g g a I’m gonna talk about is in this motherfucker tonight so I can talk about his ass personally. Y’all not gonna believe this shit. I’m in the limo, and in my peripheral… I see some n i g g a s looking confused. That means out of a n i g g a’s side vision, out his side vision. N i g g a in the back thought it was a car. “That n i g g a got a Peripheral? “Fuck a Phantom, that n i g g a got a Peripheral. “That ain’t even supposed to come out till 2006.” In my peripheral today… That n i g g a still think it’s a car. “l don’t believe him. It’s a car. “He don’t want nobody to have it.” I saw a n i g g a today… [Audience jeering] I know y’all want to know. I’m going to tell you. I saw a n i g g a with spinner hubcaps. What part of the game is this? Them motherfuckers didn’t even spin on they own. That n i g g a had to get out of the car and spin them bitches manually. This is bullshit. So, I come to Cincinnati and I hear that the Cincinnati government want to honor a n i g g a. Now, automatically, I am caught off guard, for I know this must be some sort of a government type of setup. I know a n i g g a must have a warrant he overlooked or something. I’m expecting, at any moment, for this to be a setup, and I find out they have declared it Katt Williams Day. Now, that sounds beautiful, but n i g g a s were very vague. They were very vague. They didn’t tell me what the fuck that means. That mean a n i g g a can jaywalk? What that mean? That mean that weed is legal in my vehicle? Have the laws on prostitution been slightly relaxed for poor n i g g a? [Speaking gibberish] Could that be the case? They gave me the proclamation, and let me just tell you something. I know, y’all, this is Cincinnati. I wasn’t even supposed to do it here because I know that there is a boycott in Cincinnati, but let me tell you something. There are several types of n i g g a s. There are n i g g a s that are concerned with politics and then there is street n i g g a s. Street n i g g a s don’t know nothing about boycotts. They don’t know nothing about what the opposite of boycott is. N i g g a s know “Don’t fuck with me. I won’t fuck with you.” Can I get a witness? That’s how we handle business. So, I’m just here to remind n i g g a s that we stress entirely too much, black people. I’m just saying, you got to make up your own rules. Your own rules. Fuck trying to keep up with other motherfuckers. That’s our problem, we be wanting to keep up. N i g g a s be working real hard to get $5000 worth of spinning rims and pull right on up in an apartment complex with them spinning rims. You gonna have to get some priorities eventually, now. I’m gonna tell you something about spinning rims you might not have known. You not gonna believe this. From inside your car, you can’t even see them bitches spin. Can you believe that? All that motherfucking money and you gotta look at n i g g a s on the bus stop to verify your motherfucking rims. You’re just at the light, just… Better get your life together. Life is too short to be worried about other motherfuckers. Fuck 20-inch rims. Put $20 in your gas tank and get your goddamn grind on one more time. ‘Cause, uh, I don’t care who you are, gas is entirely too fucking high. I don’t care if you got millions, gas is too high. You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, just, “N i g g a, did I eat today? “N i g g a, I ain’t got but three cigarettes. “l can’t get no half a tank, n i g g a.” Just saying life is too short. You need to get you some white friends. Get you some white friends. You can learn a lot from white people. First of all… First of all, could we have all the white people make some noise? All the white people make some noise. [Meager cheering] I’d like to thank all 17 of you for coming out. That is some beautiful shit. I mean it. Thank you so much. You are never going to see this many white people and 17 n i g g a s. If you see us, we are lost in a motherfucker, just sitting there. “N i g g a, I thought you said this was Ludacris.” “This ain’t no motherfucking Ludacris.” Got to get you a white friend. I don’t give a fuck what you say, white people are friendly. You can call them motherfuckers up at 3:00 a.m. with a wrong number, and they won’t even be mad at you. They just… [Imitating phone ringing] “Hello? “No, I’m sorry, no Shaquita here. “Well, what number did you dial? “No, it’s a nine, not a seven. “Well, try it. If it doesn’t work, call me back. “We’ll figure this thing out.” Gotta love white people. If you see white people waiting on the bus stop, they’re not mad. They’re not angry. They do… [Whistling] Bus is three hours late, they just… “l hope the bus driver’s okay.” If you see a n i g g a sitting on the bus stop, we are madder than a motherfucker. It ain’t got shit to do with the bus. We just sitting there. Just… Getting mad at n i g g a s that’s driving. Just… I’m telling you, life, it’s too short. All thug n i g g a s be ready to die, but not when you get shot. Every n i g g a that ever been shot has a puzzled look on his face. Just every time, “N i g g a, I’m ready to die. N i g g e r, right now. I don’t give a fuck…” “N i g g a, get my weed. Get my weed. Don’t let them… Don’t let them bury me.” I’m just saying the whole world is crazy. You gonna have to make your own decisions in life, ’cause the world is crazy. They tell us shit that makes no sense at all. You got to remember, this is your one shot at life. Make your own rules. They don’t want you to smoke weed, and you shouldn’t. Some n i g g a s almost walked out on that one. They said… “Now what that n i g g a talking about? Did you…” They want us to believe shit that don’t make no sense. They don’t want us to smoke weed ’cause it’s a drug. No, it’s not. It’s just a plant. It just grow like that. And if you should so happen to set it on fire, there are some effects. But that’s not the same as drugs. Drugs, you gotta do shit to it chemically. You got to add baking soda, water, stir it up. I don’t know the recipe. I’m just saying. It’s some shit you got to do to it. They don’t want us to smoke weed. I know some of you all don’t smoke weed ’cause you got a good job. And, by all means, make your paper, boo boo. But if you ain’t got no job and you not smoking weed, I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life. I really don’t. There is a chemical in weed that’s called “fuck it”. And if you can just get that in your system, it could change your life. Some of you all be crying about bills you can’t pay. Got your kids lying, “My daddy say he ain’t home.” Some of you all just be in the living room, just… “l don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light bill. “They want the whole thing. They don’t want a piece of it, a deposit.” Just hit the block one time and see if it don’t change your perception of what’s important in your life. You just… “l don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light. I just…” “Fuck them goddamn lights. “I got 12 candles. I’ve been waiting to burn them bitches up.” ‘Cause that don’t make no sense, for them to tell us that should be illegal. Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it’ll be your last headache. As long as you been living, you ain’t never heard of nobody overdose on marijuana. You might have thought that n i g g a was dead. He ain’t dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That’s the side effects. Hungry, happy, sleepy. That’s it. I don’t know. What I don’t know is why they ain’t made weed into a pill. They can clone sheep. They can make a baby without the mama. Remember the cell phone? When that motherfucker came out, was it not this goddamn big? Came in a suitcase with a shoulder strap. Now the cell phone is so small that by next year it’s just gonna be a chip on a n i g g a’s tongue. You just gonna be smoking a cigarette, yeah… [Imitating cell phone ringing] “Hello? “No, n i g g a, I got you on the tongue phone. “Hold on. I got another call. [Clicking tongue] “Hello?” You gotta be careful, though. Got to be careful. You have to pay attention to your schedule. I had to have a meeting with all the weed salesmen in Cincinnati and explain to these n i g g a s that I need regular weed. I have shit to do. I have an agenda. I don’t want shit with a nickname. Not Thriller, Killer, Salmonella, none of that shit. I want it to say, right on the bag, “Regular Weed”. Regular weed, you get the munchies, and you can live your life. This n i g g a in Cincinnati two days ago sold me some shit had me looking at the refrigerator for four hours. I’m just in the kitchen on the stove, just… “l bet you, ain’t shit in there. I bet you, there’s shit in…” You know the weed is too good when you hit it and look at it. Just… “Ah, n i g g a, there’s something in here. There’s something in here. That…” Something… You just… You just gotta do everything in moderation. ‘Cause I thought that all weed smokers were created equal, but that’s not the case, not the case at all. I live in Los Angeles now, and I was hanging out with Snoop Dogg. Now, this n i g g a is a professional weed smoker. There is not an amateur bone in this n i g g a’s body. I was not prepared. We was doing The Tracy Morgan Show. He did an episode. The n i g g a said, “Katt, “when we take a break, we gonna hit some weed.” Now I took out of that conversation, two words, “Hit”. “Some weed”. Now, I can do that. I know the rules and regulations. -I know I get the blunt, puff, puff… AUDlENCE: Pass. I see you are aware of the regulations as well. So I’m feeling like everything is gonna be okay. I’m gonna smoke enough weed to be sociable, go back to my room and learn my lines. Now, I need to explain to you that it’s, in this room, only me, Snoop and his two partners. We are in a circle. I watch him roll one and light it and put it in rotation. And it starts to go in rotation. After about four and three-quarter minutes, I start noticing that I am higher than I have ever been my entire life. I mean, I am high, high. Like I’m up on the world, looking down at the planets and stars. Just satellites and my mama house where I grew up in Avondale. Just all of it. I can see it. And I’m thinking, “How in the hell could I be this high “off one blunt?” I look up and notice these n i g g a s have lit six blunts, and they are all in rotation at the same time. We look like an Olympic track meet in that bitch. It’s bullshit. That’s why you just gotta live your life. ‘Cause other people’s life, it may look better than yours, but that does not mean that’s the way it is. I live in LA now. I’m finding out that most of that shit that I thought was real was bullshit. I met DMX two months ago. This n i g g a is the same size as me. I don’t know why I thought that n i g g a was 6’12” or something. That n i g g a is two inches taller than me, and he talk like that for real. We in a restaurant, he, “Hey, yo, bitch. “Let me get some water and some lemon.” “Now, n i g g a, why are you hollering? We in a restaurant. “Don’t nobody holler like that in no restaurant.” You know, that n i g g a wasn’t shit in school. He couldn’t cheat at all. “Hey, yo, bitch. What’s the answer to number seven?” [Barking] “N i g g a, you need to be in a special class. What the…” I’m out there in LA. I’ve been making friends with basketball players. Just n i g g a s I’ve been watching for a long time. People like Ruben Patterson from the Portland Trail Blazers and Shaquille O’Neal. Just big six-foot, eight-foot n i g g a s. I found out I can’t even really be friends with these n i g g a s in public ’cause they too fucking tall. I’m trying to congratulate you on the game. You got your dick all around my forehead region. This is bullshit. “N i g g a, good game, good game.” Just saying you got to live your life. See, I notice a lot of this shit ’cause I have a disease. I’m allergic to stupid shit. Now, some of y’all might have that same disease, but, if you have the disease, you know for a fact that it does not start when you an adult. It starts when you a child. I can remember as a child being allergic to stupid shit. I can remember being in class. The teacher said, “Katt, stand up.” “Bitch, I am standing up.” I hate her so much. I really do. She says, “Spell ‘kitchen’.” So, I sounded it out, as I had been instructed to do. “Kit-chen. Kit-chen.” “K-I-T… Ch… Ch… C-H-E-N.” She said, “Very good. Very good. Spell ‘knife’.” Now, once again, church, I sounded this motherfucker out. [Slowly] “Knife.” “Knife.” “N-I-F-E. Knife.” She said, “No, no, I’m sorry. It’s K-N-I-F-E.” This bitch is stupid, she really is. “Uh, yes, that would be ka-nife. Ka-nife.” This is what she told me in front of the whole class. She said the “k” is silent. I said, “Then take that quiet motherfucker out, then, “’cause it’s confusing me.” Right after class, I cut that bitch with a ka-spoon. Just what the fuck are you talking about? Now, just in case you think I’m tripping, we are all adults now. Can you please tell me the purpose of the silent letter? Have you ever been able to use one in your own personal life? “My name is Bob. That’s B-K-O-B.” “No, n i g g a, your name is Bkob. It’s right there, Bkob.” Math. Math was my favorite subject, because everything that had been said, I could verify. She said, “Two and two is four.” Damn sure is. All the time, n i g g a. All the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. “Three X plus Y equals what?” This bitch is still teaching. Do you see this shit? “Did you notice some of them was letters? “Yes, bitch, that’s for words and sentences.” Now, that was just the shit they told us when we were little. Now that we grown, these motherfuckers still think we stupid. They got commercials on television where they lie and tell the truth at the same time. Now, how fucking stupid do I have to be for you to lie and tell the truth at the same time? They got commercials say you can get a brand-new Expedition. No credit, bad credit, bankrupt, divorce, parole violation, whatever your problem is, on approved credit. Did you say no credit, bad credit, on approved credit? That’s like you go to the club and a girl tell you, “I’m gonna give you some pussy. Never.” But that’s not the same, then. That’s… Then they got commercials for medication where the side effect is worse than the shit that they’re curing. And I didn’t think nobody was noticing but me. All I’m saying, if I’m taking something for asthma, I don’t need the side effect to be shortness of breath. That’s what the fuck I came to you for! They got some shit called Xenical. Now, Xenical is a fat blocker. And if weight is heavy on your mind, you got to be excited about something called a fat blocker, because you might not necessarily wanna stop eating, but you wouldn’t mind something blocking the fat every now and again. They show you the lady. She’s a little overweight. She’s unhappy. Three seconds later, she’s in a bikini running through flowers, and you think, “l want to run through some flowers, too.” Because you envision a pill in your throat all day just blocking fat. Just… Then they say possible side effects are gas with an oily discharge, diarrhea and the inability to stop it. What the fuck? Gas with an oily… It’s already embarrassing to fart in church as it is. Now you got to ruin your clothes? You just… [Razzing] That ain’t never coming out, lady. No, n i g g a, that’s oil. That’s oil. Just gotta make your own decisions. They tell you you should not smoke cigarettes because it will stunt your growth. And when you a kid they tell you, “Drink all your milk, “eat your vegetables, “so that you can grow up big and strong.” And I remember as a child drinking milk every day. “Just bring a cow in and let me get up under him and drink “some fresh milk “so I can be big and strong. “Broccoli. Give me all the broccoli, and greens and spinach.” Let me show y’all some shit y’all not gonna believe. Would my mother and father please stand up in the audience right now? I’m looking around. Now, look up there at my parents up at the top. My daddy 5’5″ and my mama 5’3″. What the fuck was I drinking milk for? Shit! I could have been eating Lemonheads and baked beans all day. Y’all don’t know. It ain’t no fun. Cincinnati right now worried about black and white prejudice. That ain’t shit compared to the prejudice of being short in American society. This is bullshit. You don’t know how I had to overcome. Ain’t no parades. Ain’t no marches. Jesse Jackson don’t show up. All the shit y’all take for granted, like that little thing your mama put by the door to mark your size every year. We just had one dark-ass line. My mama wrote “Forget about it” on the top of it. Just one dark… Then you grow up and be the same size. You got to be a pimp. You can’t just be no regular n i g g a this size. I can’t even go to an amusement park. Fuck Kings Island. I don’t give a fuck. I’m a grown-ass man. What you mean, I can’t ride this goddamn ride? I’m a grown-ass man! Spent $100, I gotta ride in a teacup with little kids. Just… This is bullshit. When we get out this motherfucker, I am gonna kick your motherfucking ass. Just saying life is short. Got to make up your own rules. Make up your own rules. We be wanting to do better so bad. You got to be happy with however your life is right now. That don’t mean you don’t want to do better, but you gotta be happy with whatever you got right now. If you got a raggedy car, stop talking shit about your raggedy car. That’s your raggedy car. You need to go home and wash the shit out that motherfucker. Put Armor All and everything on it. That way, when you leave the club, you don’t have to have that raggedy car conversation. Now, we all know the raggedy car conversation. Some of y’all can’t laugh right now ’cause you might have to use it later, but we all know the raggedy car conversation. You leave the club, you just… [Sighing] “I don’t need no bullshit. I don’t need no bullshit.” You fuck around and crank that motherfucker. You hear… [Screeching] Now you gotta act like you ain’t ready to leave the club. “What y’all n i g g a s doing? What y’all doing? “I’m gonna hang out five minutes. See what’s going on.” Just gotta be happy with whatever you got. That way you don’t accidentally end up becoming no hater. You mad ’cause you got a raggedy car. Now, when you pull up at the stoplight, you gotta look at the n i g g a in the Escalade like he made a fucked-up decision. You just in the car, just… That’s bullshit. You gotta be happy with whatever you got in your life. Let me give you a perfect example. Married people, make some noise. [Audience cheering] Now, did you hear how depressing that shit sounded? Who would ever want to be married with you motherfuckers clapping like that? Let’s try it again. Married people, make some noise. Yes. I don’t care how fucked up your marriage is, if you done found a motherfucker to walk with you day in and day out, that is some beautiful shit. You got to be happy about that. One more time, married people. Make some motherfucking noise. Yes, yes, okay. Let’s see what we’re working with. Do we have any newlyweds at all? Newlyweds? Right there. Uh-huh, and where else? Right… Right over there. Okay, stand up if you’re newlyweds. I can’t see you. You gonna have to stand… Right there. Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Hold on. I see a n i g g a standing up by himself. Oh, there she is. Okay. I can tell y’all newlyweds. Y’all been fucking all day. She tired. She got up like this. “This n i g g a’s crazy. I can’t keep doing this.” Okay, so how long y’all been married? A month. A month? A month and a half.     Oh, where’s the month and a half? Raise your hand, month and a half. Where’s a month? What you got back there? A month and a half! A month… That n i g g a’s… You hear that n i g g a? “A month and a half! “And loving every minute of it! “l don’t know what took me so long.” ‘Cause, you know, black people, we’ll go together for 36 years, finally get married. You know, “All the kids in college now. I’m gonna do this. “I’m gonna make you my wife.” That’s some beautiful shit for a month and a month and a half. That’s wonderful shit. Let’s find out where the veterans are. Do we have any veteran married couples? Who been married more than 10, 15 years? What we got? What you got, ma’am? Twenty. Twenty? Can anybody beat 20? What we got? Can we beat 20? Shit, we got… Twenty-eight! Shit, 28, but you’re so far back you don’t count. You should have bought your tickets early. I can barely see you. That motherfucker’s outside by the fountain, “Twenty-eight!” Who we have right here? We had 24. Where was 24 at? Where was… There it was. Yeah, okay stand up, 24, so we can get a look at you. Go on. Wait, wait. “No, no, no”? No? You sure? ‘Cause we can make this whole segment about y’all personally, if you don’t want to comply with my wishes and demands. Oh, look. Kirk Franklin don’t want to stand up with his wife ’cause that ain’t really his wife. He been married 24 years. She got a boyfriend. They can’t even stand up. They sitting there like hostages now. “What the fuck did you put your hand up for? “l told you to keep your goddamn “hands down.” That’s some beautiful shit for motherfuckers married 24 and 28 years. MAN: Twenty-six! Twenty-six. I left that out. I thought that went between 24 and 28, n i g g a. That n i g g a don’t want to be left out. “Twenty-six!” Thought we were doing bingo in this bitch. That’s E 26. That’s so long. I can’t even… Shit! Twenty-four, twenty-six, twenty-eight years. Just… Goddamn, that’s beautiful. Just day after day after day of the same motherfucker. Just every time you wake up… Just, “Shit! You again! “Why don’t you all go on a vacation or some shit?” That’s some beautiful shit. If you done found somebody to walk with you every day… See… See, a month, a month and half, see… Sometimes, y’all still have arguments and disagreements, but at 24, 26 and 28, these motherfuckers don’t even talk to each other no motherfucking more. Sometimes she just be looking at him. “Just look at this nasty-ass n i g g a. “He gonna smell that shirt. It smell like yesterday, motherfucker! “Put it on! I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit.” Sometime he be looking at her like, “She gonna ask me, does this dress make her look fat? “l ought to just go on and tell her, ‘l see you naked! “‘Stop blaming it on the dress!”‘ But that’s some beautiful shit, if you done found somebody to walk with you every goddamn day. Now, let me show you something, if you don’t mind. Single people, make some motherfucking noise. Now did you hear… Did you hear how exciting that sounded? I know that a month, a month and a half, had a flashback to when you, too, was happier than a motherfucker. Just… [Screaming] ‘Cause as single people, we always act like we the shit. And we are. We really are. We the shit as long as we out. We quick to tell a motherfucker, “When you going home?” “When the fuck I want to go home. “I’m single, free to motherfucking mingle.” That is till you get home in that lonely-ass kitchen. You just in the kitchen… “Why won’t you send me somebody, Jesus?” I’m just saying, whatever you got in your life, be happy with what you got. Now, this next thing I’m gonna say is just for the fellows. If this don’t apply to you, just forget I even said it. If you got a crazy-ass baby mama… This n i g g a’s testifying in the back. Just… First of all, if your baby mama is that crazy… Uh-huh. [Man yelling] I done say something about babies’ mamas and triggered this n i g g a’s Tourette’s syndrome. This n i g g a just calling out area codes. Just, “513! “404! “213! “686!” If your baby mama is that crazy, the first rule you need to remember is keep your hands to your motherfucking self, because these police do not give a shit about n i g g a s if they have to come to the house. Oh, they don’t give a shit. You can be laying on the ground with both of your eyes black and your arm broke, and she gonna be on the couch, laughing her motherfucking ass off. Policeman come. “Ma’am, did he hit you?” “Hell no. I knocked his motherfucking ass out!” “Yes, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. “But as you were knocking him out, as he was falling back, “did he clutch at you? Did he clutch at you?” “He damn sure did. I half forgot all about that. “Y’all say bye to your daddy, “’cause he had clutched at me, and I forgot in the shock of the moment.” So rule number one is keep your hands to yourself. Rule number two is if you got a crazy-ass baby mama, just try and work with her ass if you can, ’cause you might not want her motherfucking job. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’m a single father. My son is nine. I done have him since he was nine months old. All I’m saying is it’s a job raising these motherfuckers. We do not give women enough credit for this single-parent shit. You can stop clapping. Some of y’all ain’t even good mothers. Ain’t good mothers at all. Your baby at home right now alone. Your baby sleepy and crying, just waking up to… “l don’t want to watch cartoons no more!” All I’m saying is there’s more to raising these motherfuckers than being at the mall dressed alike, fellas. That’s all I’m saying. It’s a job raising these motherfuckers. First of all, if you a parent, you gonna be tired. It ain’t shit you can do about it. My son wake up at 5:30 every motherfucking morning. He don’t give a shit about weekends, weekdays, national holidays, Katt Williams Day, what time Daddy got home. At 5:30 every morning, he is up. And not only is he up at an ungodly hour, he ain’t got no job. He ain’t got no bills. He ain’t got no stress. So not only is he up before Jesus and the Mexicans, he is happy. He is happier than a motherfucker for no apparent reason. Just every morning at 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” This is bullshit. I could put that n i g g a to bed at 5:28. At 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” Shit! If you’ve got young kids, just take my advice and be happy at whatever level your child is on. Because as parents we always want our kids to be doing some shit they ain’t doing. Like when my son couldn’t talk, all the fuck I wanted him to do was to talk. Didn’t nobody tell me that once this n i g g a started talking, he would be qualified to ask me 500 motherfucking questions back to motherfucking back, while we wait at a stoplight. This n i g g a just in the car, just… “Why is the McDonald’s sign yellow, Daddy? “What part of the chicken is a chicken nugget, Daddy? “What’s the difference between barbecue sauce and hot sauce? “ls barbecue sauce just sweet and tangy and hot sauce ain’t tangy? “What is tangy, Daddy? Is that kind of like sour but it ain’t sour? “Why you crying, Daddy? Why you crying?” “l don’t know shit!” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a, though. You just gotta figure your kids out. You got to figure your kids out. I know some of y’all been letting your kids stress you. Do not let your kids stress you. You gotta understand the world is against you and your baby. The world is about money, making money. They don’t give a fuck about you raising your children. Commercials are 30 to 60 seconds long. Your child’s attention span is 30 to 60 seconds long. That’s why they want everything. You can go to the store and buy your child everything in the toy store on aisle 7. I swear before God, he’ll get to aisle number 8 and be like, “But, Daddy, this wasn’t even in there.” You just gotta figure out how to deal with your kids. I tell my son the truth. I agree with whatever can be agreed with. I know that n i g g a want everything, but I understand he just want me to know. He don’t expect it. This is him for an hour, watching TV, just… “l love that bicycle, Daddy. You see that bicycle? “It got a bell and everything. I like bells. I might as well just ring it. “Ding, ding. You’d know I’m in the driveway when I ring it. “That movie come out Friday, Daddy. We gonna be here Friday. “We might as well see the movie Friday. “I love Pokemon, Daddy. “Pikachu! I love Pikachu, Daddy. “That’s Froot Loops. Got vitamin C for boys and for girls. “l love vitamin C, Daddy.” This is me for an hour, “Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. “Tomorrow, n i g g a, you never know. “Yep. Yep.” At the end of the hour, I ain’t bought shit. He ain’t got shit. We both happier than a motherfucker, sitting on the couch. I’m just saying, do not let your kids stress you out. See, I don’t know how you raise your kids. We all raise our kids different, and I know a lot of comics mess with white people and tell white people they need to beat their kids. But let me tell you something. It ain’t that. It ain’t like n i g g a s got it all down pat when it come to raising kids. We all got problems. We just got different problems. It would seem like white people are a little bit too lenient on their children and n i g g a s are a bit too harsh on ours. All I’m saying is at the white family’s house, you can get time out for setting the family dog on fire. At the n i g g a household, you can get beat half to death for forgetting to feed the family dog. Now, that’s the same goddamn dog. We just do shit differently. But white people, please take this back to your community. Please stop putting your children on them goddamn leashes. That is just entertainment for n i g g a s. We… Oh, we can’t wait to see that shit in the store. We get right by the register, just… That’s why white little kids wake up and grow up to be twenty-six and kill everybody in the family, ’cause you done had them on the leash like a dog. They just in the toy store, just, “l want it. I want it. I…” Now, black people laughing like we got the shit down pat. We ain’t no good, neither. You got to stop beating your motherfucking kids in the goddamn grocery store. You just in the checkout line, soon as your baby touch the Skittles, you… “Didn’t I tell you not…” “Just… Ma’am, that baby is a toddler. “You can’t beat that…” Just saying, don’t let your kids stress you out. I don’t know how you raise your kids, but I’m a pimp. Not because I put women on the street. I think pimp, therefore I am. I see some n i g g a s writing it down. Feel free. Feel free. So, the first rule of pimping is you don’t lie. So I don’t lie to my son about nothing. He’s nine. He ain’t never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry. I cannot afford for him to walk around thinking there’s a white man going though the ghetto, giving n i g g a s PlayStations. “No, no. Daddy bought that with his weed money, baby. “Can you say ‘sacrifice’?” Sacrifice. We have real conversations. That n i g g a came to me a few months ago. He said, “Daddy, I want an Xbox.” I said, “Sit right here, pimpin. “Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, the first thing I need you to understand is the Xbox “is $199.99. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only comes with one controller. “That mean Daddy can’t play with you. Your friends can’t play with you. “It’s just you. “That mean I gotta buy another controller at $34.95. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only come with two demo games. “You gonna be through with them motherfuckers tonight. “That mean I got to buy four or five other games at $45 to $55 apiece. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “Or I can look in the newspaper under the classified section “and I can get you what’s known as a Nintendo 64. “Now, it’s not gonna be new. “So it’s gonna come with, like, 20 games “that other kids have already opened and played with to make sure it’s fun. “Then me and you got, like, $300 left over. “We can go all across the country stopping ice-cream trucks. “Buy six nuggets. Don’t eat six. Eat three. “Throw the other three out the window, “’cause we don’t give a fuck, ’cause we got money like that.” And that n i g g a sit right there, make a pimp decision. He’s just, “You say 20 games? “Well, we’re just going to get the Nintendo, then, Daddy.” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a! Make a pimp decision! When the new Jordans come out, I take that n i g g a to the Foot Locker with the rest of the children, and let him try them on. “No, they tight. They tight. “All right, I want you to do me a favor. “l want you to run down this aisle real quick. I’m gonna time you. “On your mark, “get set, go! “Five seconds! Five seconds! “That was good. That was good. Take them off. Put them off. “Come with Daddy to Payless. I want to show you something. “l want to show you something. “Now, put the Batmans on. Put the Batmans on. “Make sure the Velcro is tight. Make sure the Velcro is tight. “On your mark, get set, go! “Three seconds! All I’m saying is you’re faster in the Batmans. “Now, sit right here, pimpin. Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, if you want the Jordans, “Daddy gonna get you the Jordans all day, every day. No problem. “But for the same price as the Jordans, “you can get the Batmans, the Robins, the Pokemons, the Digimons, “You can get… These don’t have no name, but they light up every time you walk. “Just every step you take.” And that n i g g a bling-bling out the store. He just… Just saying, don’t let your kids fuck with you. I learned my lesson. Some of y’all do all your Christmas shit, don’t get around paying the bills till October. October 19, you still paying off shit from last Christmas, ’cause you trying to keep up with white people. Fuck that. Keep up with your budget. You ain’t got to spend all that money. These is children. You know, the same kids that play with sticks and bricks? Yes, the same motherfucking kids. You done spent $1,300 dollars on Christmas. Them motherfuckers don’t even play with it after the batteries run out. This is bullshit. You need to go to the 99-cent store and buy them 100 toys. They ain’t gonna be name brand, and they gonna tear up in a week, but any child got to be happy about 99 motherfucking toys. My son was all under the tree, just, “Daddy! Daddy!” N i g g a didn’t even open them. He just went to sleep. Just… “l know my daddy love me. I know my daddy love me. “l know my daddy love me.” Just saying, life is short. Gotta work on your relationships. If you in a bad relationship right now, you can end that motherfucker tonight. End it tonight. Life is too short for you to be in a fucked-up relationship. Just tonight, when the show is over, just walk right past your vehicle and keep on going. Just, “No, I’m done. I’m done. Thank you.” Go right on down Fifth. Just… ‘Cause life is too short. Women, I know… I know you all been talking about n i g g a s ain’t shit. I know you been saying it. I been hearing you. That’s not the case. On behalf of all n i g g a s here this evening, I want you to know it’s just been a misunderstanding. Y’all just don’t understand us. We are simple. Women, y’all think too much, put too much pressure on yourself, pay attention to too many magazines. N i g g a s don’t give a shit about most of that stuff y’all be worried about. “Oh, I think I’m gaining some weight, and I got to get…” Every… Every magazine a woman reads say that you ain’t shit. Just every one. “You still wearing them shoes? Bitch, you ain’t shit. You ain’t shit. “ls that the makeup you’re still wearing? Bitch, you ain’t shit.” I think I can speak for all n i g g a s when I say we don’t give a fuck about most of that shit. It ain’t a n i g g a in here that ever been ready to fuck a woman and then change his mind ’cause she had on the wrong toenail polish. It has never happened in the history of mankind. Just, “Oh, hell no. Is that plum? No, that’s plum, bitch. “No, not plum and red. I can’t do that. I can’t.” Women, you just gotta remember, men are simple. We are simple. We just want to work and fuck and eat. And not necessarily in that order. ‘Cause if a n i g g a can fuck, we ain’t even hungry. “I’m okay. I’m okay. “l ate yesterday. It was okay. You got a Tic-Tac or something? “A Tic-Tac would be nice.” We just tired of women confusing us. Women, stop confusing us. We are simple. We are tired of being at the club, you got a woman dancing all on you, just… Done dance the crease out of the n i g g a’s pants. Just… Now, after the club, we excited as a motherfucker. We on the car like this. [Laughing] [Clearing throat] “So what’s cracking?” And y’all turn into a different motherfucker. Y’all just… [Gasping] “What kind of girl did you think I was?” “l thought you were a whore. “You were a whore over there. I assumed you’d be a whore over here. “Did we cross the no-ho line? What the fuck happened?” I know women be bothered by simple shit. Women don’t like it when a man buy them a drink and then follow them all over the club all night. Clap if you hate that, women. Do you hate that? [Clapping] See, once again, this is just a simple misunderstanding. I am not following you, bitch. I am following my $7 investment in our relationship. Now, if you don’t want the drink, then just say, “No, thank you.” But don’t take my investment and run off with it. You done hop in the car with another n i g g a. Now, I’m in the parking lot, just… “Uh, yeah, can I holler at you, player? “Either you or her owe me $3.50. That’s all I’m saying. “lt could be you. It could be her. It could be her. It could be you. It…” Before I get out of here, I gotta say something that’s going to be a bit controversial. But I been thinking about it, and it really needs to be said. [MAN TALKlNG] Hold on one second. [PEOPLE SHOUTlNG] Thank you ever so much. I heard a voice with some bass in it. I just wanted to acknowledge that. What did you say, sir? [MAN SHOUTlNG] Pimp in distress! Yes, pimp in distress. 10-32. I know my hairdresser is quite frustrated. I done sweated out every goddamn curl that bitch put in, just 38 seconds. [WOMAN SHOUTlNG] Braid it! [AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG] Hairdressers be throwing out gang signs in Cincinnati. Yo. What y’all got, like, 100 hair salons? WOMAN: Yeah. What’s the name of the best one? [WOMEN SHOUTlNG] No, that just where you go. That’s just where you go. All right, I gotta say this. I want you to know before I say this that a third of the n i g g a s in here are not going to be happy about what the fuck I’m getting ready to say. But I want you know that I have been this size all of my life, which means I’m not scared of shit, n i g g a. I’ve been unconscious before, and it wasn’t that bad. I woke up in the club, n i g g a, I was well rested and everything. Start talking shit, “Well, where’s the n i g g a now? “N i g g a can’t get a power nap in this bitch?” And remember that this is just my opinion. As far as I’m concerned, there only two types of n i g g a s, real n i g g a s and bitch n i g g a s. Now… Now, if you’re not sure where you fit in, chances are you’s a bitch n i g g a. You really are. If you look around, there’s people looking at you right now talking about, “What is that bitch n i g g a smiling about?” But as real n i g g a s, we have always known that there were bitch n i g g a s. We see them in the mall all the time. They be waving, and you be, like, “What is this bitch n i g g a waving at?” But now bitch n i g g a s are becoming a problem for real n i g g a s. Bitch n i g g a s are now starting to cost real n i g g a s money. You see, there are more lesbians now than there have ever been. And most of that is the fault of bitch n i g g a s. You can’t blame her. She been with bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a. And finally she, like, “Why don’t I just be with a bitch, n i g g a?” And you can’t blame her. You can’t blame her. But bitch n i g g a s don’t respect women at all. They don’t understand this is not 1996. “I’m gonna get mine. I hope you get yours.” If a woman should be so kind as to offer you some pussy, it is your obligation to fuck the shit out of her at every opportunity that you get. Ah, but the bitch n i g g a don’t get it. And the bitch n i g g a is starting to cost real n i g g a s money now. ‘Cause now you done went over her house and fucked it up. And now, before you can get in your car, she is already on the phone with a real n i g g a. Now this n i g g a got to get up out his bed, go all the way across Cincinnati to fix some shit you didn’t have no business fucking with, with your bitch ass in the first place, and gas prices are too high for that type of shit. Now… Now, I know that there are some real n i g g a s in the audience right now who are mad at me right now, ’cause they don’t understand why I’m wasting my time and my breath talking to bitch n i g g a s. But what you don’t understand is you don’t have to be a bitch n i g g a all your life. After the show you can get with one of these real n i g g a s in the audience and let them tutor you on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, till you get some of that bitch out your uterus. Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a… See the bitch n i g g a s paying attention? The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a s, is the first nut is slippery. It’s not just you. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes the first nut just has a mind of its own. You can have the best intentions in the world, just… “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of… Ah, hell no. I don’t believe this shit.” Now, if you’re a real n i g g a, you’d never even let her know what just happened. You just, “You are not ready yet. You are not ready yet. “I’m gonna eat your pussy again. I’m gonna eat your pussy again. “You are not ready for this.” There’s some women in here mad, right now. “ls that what he was doing?” Yes, you are fucking with a real n i g g a. Now, since you know that the first nut is slippery, it is your obligation to get that motherfucker out the way before you get to her house. You need to be on the highway working that motherfucker out. Just… That way, by the time you get to her house, you are already on nut number two. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more powerful than arriving at her house already on nut number two. You don’t be bullshitting. You just, “Go on and lay down. Go on and lay down.” “You might want to wrap your hair up this evening. “You might want to wrap your hair up.” Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. Now, once you have put on your condom and you are safely inside, the only word that should be in your head is “concentration”. You don’t have time to be looking in her eyes and caressing her softly and smelling that raspberry shit she got from Bed, Bath & Beyond. You need to be looking at everything in her house but her. Just keep your focus. Just… Sing a little song to yourself off-key to keep you focused. Just… A, B, C, D, E, F, G Now listen carefully, bitch n i g g a, If you feel it starting to slip away, remember that this is a one-man sport. You make all the rules. Do not be ashamed to get out of the pussy and get yourself together if you feel it’s starting to slip away. Just, A, B, C, D E, F, G, H, I Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, I know… I know, because I’m moving so quickly, I haven’t had time to talk about eating the pussy, and I know that that makes the bitch n i g g a think that maybe you don’t have to do it. But, see, it’s that type of thinking right there that qualifies you to be a bitch n i g g a in the first place. Yeah, see, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I… See, real n i g g a s know something that bitch n i g g a s have never ever found out. Oh, it’s so quiet right now, you could hear a bitch n i g g a drop, ain’t it? See, real n i g g a s know I’m not eating the pussy for you. Oh, no. No, no. [SPEAKlNG GlBBERlSH] Holler it out, then. If you understand what I’m saying. I’m not eating the pussy for you. I’m eating the pussy for me. See, I don’t need the pussy. I know for a fact you already came twice. I felt you when you clenched up on the motherfucker and damn near suffocated me. Now I have the rare opportunity of surprising you with the dick. You forgot all about the dick. You just… “You brought dick, too? “Oh, my God, girl. This n i g g a brought dick, too.” Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, once you’ve been doing it correctly for about 27 and three-quarter minutes, you are going to start to feel a pain in your side Iike you been exercising. Now, I know that this is ordinarily where the bitch n i g g a just go on and call it a day, but if you can manage to fuck through the pain… See, she don’t know you in pain. She think you a genius and are hitting it from the side. So continue to hit through the pain, because 14 minutes after that, your body is going to go into autopilot. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more wonderful than feeling your body go into autopilot. ‘Cause now you got time to have fun with her. You got time to enjoy yourself. You got time to do stupid shit like look at your own dick. Now, look around at the confused look on the bitch n i g g a’s face right now. I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there’s nothing more wonderful than looking at your own dick. You just see that motherfucker, just… Some of you n i g g a s can’t do it no way, ’cause you got to be so close on the pussy. You just… Y’all been all that. I’m Katt. Thanks for the time. The show was great. I did not stop laughing at all. It was hilarious. I enjoyed… Two thumbs up. Double thumbs up. It was very funny. Hilarious. It was a good show. Just couldn’t believe it. Definitely enjoyed… Hey, Katt Williams, he the next truth. All right? Understand that. So every time you hear he coming to your city, you need to buy tickets. If you don’t buy tickets, you gonna hear about it. We loved the show. It was great. Everything was wonderful. And plus, you’re a beautiful woman, so that made us love it more. It was all good. I’m a rapper. Plus, I’m a rapper, though. Oh, the show was outstanding, man. We’ll come back anytime. Had a great time. That motherfucker funny, dawg. Fuck it. My man Katt Williams is the best. Had a good time tonight, me and my family. We had a wonderful time at the comedy spot. God bless you, my n i g g a. Keep doing the work. Thought the show was hilarious, Katt. Everybody else that performed tonight, it was real, you know, real entertaining. I loved it. Pretty much that’s it. It was fun. It was good. It was good. He was real good. He was really good. He was very, very funny. He’s different from the movies. He’s gonna be an up-and-rising big-star comedian. He’s good. Very good. Most definitely the best comic view I done seen in a minute. He tricked me. ’cause I didn’t know he was that good. The man is excellent. Everybody check him out for sure. It was wonderful. I really did enjoy myself, you know. I had a few Budweisers, had to keep coming in and out. but every time I made it back in, I was always laughing. You know what I’m saying? It was a good show. He looked good, had on… Was it the A1s? A1s? No, they weren’t the A1s. Those were the Als. It was… Them was the Jordans. Yeah, the special editions, the XlXs. Okay, okay, okay. The show was great. You couldn’t… You know, you gotta see it. They were really, really good. Everything was original. It was great. It was really, really great. I got a mother on the block. Hey. Right, yeah, it was real good. Yeah, I had a good time. I enjoyed myself. It felt good to see somebody from Cincinnati coming back and give us something back, yeah. And I am from Avondale, too, so… It felt good to see somebody making a comeback. Here’s where I was born. Christ Hospital. Right here. Yeah. Nineteen hours. That’s how long my mama was in labor. Nineteen hours. And I still didn’t come out. I had a twin brother, and me and him was fighting. It was a fight till death and I choked him with my umbilical cord. That’s what I thought. Later on I found out I was born without an umbilical cord, so I can’t really tell you what I choked him with. But I will tell you he died a painful death. And that’s why, as most comedians will tell you, whether they like me or not, I’m stronger than the average man. I’m twice the comedian your favorite comedian probably is, and that’s ’cause I’m really twins. You got the story right here at the foot of historic Christ Hospital. This is where it all happened. I can remember this. I was here since I was five months, so, you know, the memories are flooding in on me right now. I believe I stood right here as a baby. I think I fell right… Hold on. Hold on. It’s coming to me now. If you look on that sign over there it says, “Kennedy Plaza. Includes heat and water.” So you know you’re moving up. When you come here, you got heat and water from the beginning. Then there’s a sign over there that say, “No trespassing, except residents and guests.” So unless you live here, or are visiting, because… [Dog whining] Here come what? Ladies and gentlemen, you will only see this in a black neighborhood. Hey, there. Hold on. This is why black people don’t buy dogs. You ain’t got to buy no dog. You see the dog just walked up here? It’s a fine dog. Sit. He’s trained. Look at him, watch. Sit. Yeah, he’s sitting. See that? This is a beautiful dog. That’s a premium shepherd. -Look at that. Did he sit? Cameraman: He did. This is trained. This is why black people don’t have to buy dogs. ‘Cause they will run up to you. Let’s… Are you hungry, by the way? Yeah. Yeah, come on. Let’s find out where you belong. Let’s go. Never a dull moment in the hood. Come on, boy. Let’s find out where you belong. It’s so sad. Where you belong, huh? Where you belong? Anybody lose a dog? We’ll have to chain this dog to the fire hose, to the fire department water-fountain thing. There you go. It’s the best you can do. What else am I supposed to do, hmm? We’re here live in Cincinnati. We’re getting ready to go to the place that I lived when I was two years old. Now, I could lie and tell you I remember it, but I don’t. I remember didn’t nobody ever feed me. I was hungry all the time. I was two years old, eating chili. And it was spicy for a baby. A baby is not supposed to eat chili. But they fed me chili, and that’s how I grew up big and strong right here on these streets. So, we gonna walk around. We gonna see what’s out here. Be very careful. Be very afraid. We might see a pit bull, a German shepherd, a crackhead. Ain’t no telling what we might find on these streets today. We come here to play ball. [Shouting] DJ: How did you get into the business? It was in Tampa, Florida, and, um, I was, like, the only black guy in the whole town. It was right outside of Tampa in a place called Ruskin. And so I just did five minutes talking about me being the only member of the black community. That the whole black community was me. And that people would drive by and show their friends the black community. So… But I only had five minutes, and I only needed five minutes. So it worked out well. Well, there’s only one way. I mean, you… Obviously, you have to think that you are funny going in, but the audience is the judge. It’s not hard to become a comedian at all. You can walk on stage and get booed off stage, and still call yourself a comic. What’s hard is becoming one of the great ones. So, I already knew that we were facing a touchy situation. On the other hand, you know, I’m not affiliated with the government. I get to come in as an innocent bystander in the whole thing. I’m not… I’m not crossing your line. I’m not crossing this line. Billy Cunningham. My guest for the next segment is the honorable actor/comedian Katt Williams, starring in a comedy special in Cincinnati, September 25, to be filmed for TV and DVD. Katt Williams, welcome to the Bill Cunningham show. Thank you, sir. 700 WLW. I understand you were born in Cincinnati, and now I’m holding a proclamation. This is unbelievable. Is that unbelievable? I don’t have my own day, but you do. Yes. “The mayor of the City of Cincinnati does hereby declare September 24, which is today, “as Katt Williams Day.” What did you do to get this, if anything? …he was down here and I promised him the next time he comes back to the city that I was going to make sure that I give him a key. Well, unfortunately, the city ran out of keys, but, as I promised your assistant, that when they come in I am going to mail them. But since we can’t give you a key, what we have done is decided -to give you a proclamation. Much better. And we’re going to proclaim this your day. Billy: What does it mean when you get a day? What does this mean? You get to speed? You get to pick up girls? What does this exactly mean? Katt: Well, I was doing those on the other days, so I was hoping that it still continues. Billy: This is something special, then? I’m gonna read a couple of lines. I’ll put on my glasses in case I tear up. Exactly. Can we have a napkin, please? Tissue. “Whereas Katt Williams was born in Cincinnati, Ohio on September 2.” That’s a… September 2. I share the same month. My birthday is on Sunday, so I’m going to be celebrating, bringing your birthday in. And I know Jill’s birthday is tomorrow, so it’s great to have many September birthdays this month. “Do hereby proclaim -“that in Cincinnati, September 24… That’s right. “…and on behalf of the Mayor and its over 300,000 citizens, “do hereby proclaim Katt Williams Day.” [Crowd cheering and applauding] That’s beautiful. See that? Look at that. Oh, I’m so proud right now. This is my day. I’m gonna be doing some… Misdemeanors is happening today. [Crowd cheering] That is such an honor, really, for him to come here today. It is. But, you know, I always try to look at the positive things and not the negative things. And it’s truly an honor to have him here today and really try and overlook… And moving forward to the new and improved Cincinnati. Bye. See you later.     Chris: You know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause I… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show. Katt: Right. -You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow. You should be applauded for that. I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second."
1686241485-47,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,GEORGE CARLIN: PLAYING WITH YOUR HEAD (1986) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-playing-head-1986-full-transcript/,"Recorded May 2–3, 1986, at the Beverly Theater in Los Angeles It started out like any other night. I was feeling good. I’d just put in a long days work and I was really sure about this. It felt tight, no loopholes but I wasn’t about to get cocky. I’d been down this road before. Hey where’s Billy? Uh, Mexico. Yeah, he went on vacation and asked me to fill in for him while he was away, yeah. So you’re the great Mike Holder huh? I know a lot about you. What are you working on something new there? Kind of nosy ain’t ya? I’m sorry. That will be ninety cents Mr. Holder. There was something fishy about that guy. Where was Billy? He couldn’t afford Mexico. Wrong sandwich. And wrong herb tea. And my carob snack was all crumbly. Something was definitely wrong. Good evening Mr. Holder. Billy, I thought you were in Mexico. Me xico? You better get out of here kid. Golly, what’s wrong Mr. Holder? I think there’s going to be trouble. Be careful. Yeah I know. You take care now. See ya later. Just stay home. I knew there was something fishy. Who was that delivery guy anyway? What could he be after? I thought you said he didn’t suspect a thing. Get him! Get the envelope! What are you fuckin’ crazy? Get the car! Get the car! You just saw he went over the bump, couldn’t you slow it down a little? Why don’t you put some shocks on this thing? He’s slowin’ down. Wait a minute, he’s… Just knock him off the road. There’s something wrong with his car man. Put me out again. How ya doing Mr. Holder? Hey Holder slow it down will ya? You fellows ain’t allowed back there. Hey, slow down. Hey long time no see. Now listen before you make a big, big mistake you just give us the envelope. Come on man, were old pals remember? Besides you don’t want to make a fool out of yourself do you? He’s right. Well what do you say? Give us the envelope. We’ll go have a drink. We’ll talk about the old times. Come on man, give me the envelope. I mean all this arguing its really a downer. You just don’t get it do you? It’s over for you guys. Besides you wouldn’t know what to do with this. Oh you’re making a big mistake babe. Well just watch me. Babe. He’s going to do it. He ain’t gonna do shit. Hey… hello… hi there. Thank you. Thank you everybody. Hello. How ya do? Howdy, howdy, hi… how are ya? Thank you, thank you. That’s okay I appreciate it. Thank you. Hi, howdy, hello, how are ya? How do you do? How are you doing? How’s it going? What’s going on? What’s new? What do you think? What do you hear? What do you say? What do you feel? What’s shaking? What’s happening? Que pasa what’s going down what it is? Well we got all kinds of ways to say hello. We got lots of ways to say hello. You know what my favorite one is? How’s your hammer hanging? That’s a good one isn’t it? Doesn’t work too well with women you know, unless your talking to a female carpenter then it’s perfectly all right. I’ve always wanted to say that one to a high church official. “Good evening your holiness, how hangs the hammer?” So far haven’t had that opportunity. Then there’s one way to say hello that I really don’t care for, there’s one way I don’t like. You know how some people say to you, “Are they keeping you busy?” As if someone has the right to come up and give me odd jobs. They say to me, “Are they keeping you busy?” I say, “Well your wife is keeping me pretty busy, I’ll tell you that.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then we have a lot of ways to say goodbye too. We’ve figured out all kinds of ways to say goodbye. We say bye-bye, so long, see ya later, take it easy, be cool, hang in there. You know what my favorite one is? “Don’t get run over.” Well some people need practical advice you know? And some guys will say to you, “Hey have a good one.” I say, “Hey already have a good one. Now I’m looking for a longer one.” And that seems to hold them for about a half an hour. Then you have all the foreign ways to say goodbye. You know some people when they leave ya they think they’ve got to get tricky and they’re whipping Arrivederci on ya. Avoir or Auf Wiedersehen or adios or they American version of that one, “Adios mother fucker.” Or aloha, that’s a nice one isn’t it, aloha. They say that in Hawaii of course and that means hello and goodbye, which just goes to show if you spend enough time in the sun you don’t know whether you’re coming or going. And have you noticed this? Sometimes you’ll get in a rut with the way you say goodbye. Do you ever find yourself using the same phrase over and over again with everybody and you feel a little stupid you know? Like if you’re leaving a party and you have to say goodbye to five or six people in a row and you say, “Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay take it easy. Okay.” You feel like a Goddamn moron you know. You know what I do? Every month I change the way I say goodbye. Whether I need to or not every month I start using a different phrase. People like that. They notice that little extra effort. They don’t say to me, “Pardon me, but didn’t you used to say, ‘Okay, take it easy?” I say, “Yes I did but not any more. Now I say farewell. Farewell till we meet again. Peace be with you. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” That’s a strong one isn’t it? People will remember you if you talk like that. Or sometimes you can combine several ways to say goodbye that don’t seem to go together like, “Toodleloo, go with God and don’t take any wooden nickels.” Then people don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Or you can say goodbye in a realistic manner. “So long Steve. Don’t let self-doubt interfere with your plans to improve your life.” Well some people need practical advice. Now here’s a situation you run into all the time. You notice how when you’re leaving someone a lot of times they’ll give you a message to give to someone else? Like they say, “Give my love to Klause. Tell Klause Rebecca sends her love.” Do you mind that? Do you mind being used that way? Do you mind the awesome responsibility of having to carry Rebecca’s love to Klause? Suppose you don’t see Klause, what are you going to do with Rebecca’s love, carry it around? Give it to someone else, maybe. “Wilhelm, I can’t find Klause here’s some of Rebecca’s love.” Suppose Wilhelm doesn’t know Rebecca. Can he legally accept her love? Especially when it was originally intended for Klause. Suppose you give Wilhelm Rebecca’s love for Klause and then you see Klause, what are you going to give him? All you had was Rebecca’s love and you’ve already gone and given that to Wilhelm. Can you logically ask Wilhelm to give back Rebecca’s love to Klause? Maybe he’s gotten used to it by now. Can Klause sue Wilhelm? Can Wilhelm be arrested? Can you be arrested for transporting love across a state line? All right just for the sake of argument lets leave Wilhelm out of this altogether. Suppose Rebecca gives you her love to give to Klause and you do see Klause, what form should the love take? Can you risk giving Klause a tongue kiss? Which brings up another problem, maybe Klause is gay. Klause doesn’t want Rebecca’s love; Klause wants Wilhelm’s love. If Klause tells you to give his love to Wilhelm say, “Bullshit Klause. You give your own love to Wilhelm. I’m going to find Rebecca.” One final little portion of this, sometimes people want you to take a hug and a kiss to someone for them. Now they’ve got you carrying cargo. “Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me. Give em’ a big hug and a kiss for me.” Usually it’s women. I find that women are a little more expressive at times like these and sometimes they’re really explicit. “Bye bye Elaina, drive carefully and give Jake a big blow job for me.” Well why don’t you get Klause to take care of that for ya? Well no matter how we say hello it’s nice to say hello to ya. Hello George. Hello my friend. Also I’d like to welcome a few groups that we have here in the audience tonight. Perhaps you’d let us know where you’re sitting. The Child Pornographers Association. God bless you, wonderful work you’re doing. The United Syphilis Victims, many of the same people. The Dirty Rotten Pricks of America. That’s a proud organization and we always have quite a turnout when I’m in town. The Women Who’ll Sleep With Anyone, well not quite as many of them as I was hoping for. Those of you girls who did show up don’t forget cast party after the show. Now I’d also like to welcome we have some people here tonight from some of the local homes in the area. When I say homes I mean those kind of places where some of us, let’s face it, have to be kept. The home for those who no longer feel fine and dandy, the home for those who felt all right about a year ago and the home for those who gave a shit up until yesterday morning. And apparently we also have some people here tonight from the Center for the Visually Unpleasant. Try not to look directly at those people unless you’re equipped with the special safety glasses. Now the only reason I mentioned those groups only reason I mentioned those groups is cause those are a few of the charities that I’ve been working for lately. I like to mention the charities I’m interested in right here at the beginning of the show. As you know a lot of entertainers, a lot of people in show business they want you to know the good works there doing. And hey, I’m no different from the others but unfortunately for me most of the really big charitable organizations are already spoken for. In fact, between Danny Thomas and Jerry Lewis about 80% of the things that make you limp or tremble are taken. What it amounts to is that most of the really neat diseases are gone. So I’m forced to deal with some the smaller organizations such as the Salvation Navy. That’s a good outfit. It’s hard to get people to join, knowing nobody really wants to sit in a rowboat with a bass drum in his lap. As long as were in this sort of public service mood I’d like to mention a social problem we have in this country that a lot of people don’t like to talk about in public but I think it’s time we faced this thing head on. It exists in a lot of families but most people won’t admit to it and I’m talking about battered plants. It’s plant beating pure and simple. There’s no way to put a nice face on it but battered plants is part of a larger problem as you know the overall problem is called the battering syndrome. And we’ve heard mostly about battered wives and a lot of work has been done in that direction but then we began to hear that there were battered husbands too. There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is real small and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day. And you heard that there are other members of the family being abused, battered step uncles in-law, battered foster cousins, battered third cousins once removed, in fact, the whole idea of battered distant relatives strikes me as a little strange. To get on a bus and ride for six or seven hours just to beat the shit out of someone you hardly ever see. But the problem continued to spread, battered fiancés, battered best friends, battered total strangers, which I think indicates a short fuse don’t you? And battered blind dates, which as many of you know is so often completely justified. But then the problem got a little ugly and the problem got a little strange we began to hear about battered pets. Battered pets, that’s how I felt. When I first heard of it I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, “What?” And I answered, “Well yes, apparently so according to the information.” I often have these little conversations with myself. I do so love good conversation. But it’s true there are battered pets. This happens when someone gets frustrated at work, comes home, beats the shit out of Fluffy. But then the problem got really sick. Then the problem, I don’t know, we began to hear about battered plants. Battered plants, I couldn’t believe it. I said to myself, I said, “What?” And I answered, “Well.” Because this time I was speechless. But it’s true… there are battered plants. And I don’t mean just physical abuse. I’m not talking strictly about the physical abuse of plants. I don’t’ mean like drop kicking some zinnias into the ne xt yard. I’m not talking about pistol-whipping a gardenia. I’m not even talking about stopping the car, getting out and pissing on a bush. But I am talking about psychological torture. The mental abuse that we put plants through day in and day out. For instance, hanging plants. How do we know they aren’t scared shitless up there? No wonder ivy clings. You’d cling too to the side of a building. So when you get home tonight please take a look around the house, make sure you haven’t put a plant in some corner where it doesn’t want to be. And for God’s sakes never, never keep a plant in the bathroom. They hate that. And now ladies and gentlemen before we actually begin the humorous portion of tonight’s show I wonder if we might just have a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who lost their lives this morning in a roller coaster accident just outside of Lapaz, Bolivia. Apparently they all stood up on a turn and went flying off into the cool, crisp morning Lapaz air and, being heavier than air, landed in the funhouse. So I thought it might be appropriate for us tonight, as I say, to have just a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizen volleyball fans who went [whistling sound] Off a God damn roller coaster into the God damn funhouse. And in case you think this is a moment of humor, a time to be joking, a time to be poking your neighbor in the ribs, I ask you to please put yourself in a Bolivian’s place. In fact, put yourself in your own place. Put that place into Bolivia for just a moment. Think of yourself visiting Bolivia, watching a Bolivian comedian in a Bolivian theatre and he says that some mentally retarded American volleyball fans were tossed out of a roller coaster and he wants a moment of silence and your sitting next to some Bolivian jack off whose giggling through his nose might I say you’d be highly pissed? Might I add, rightly so. So ladies and gentlemen please let us consider the many grieving Bolivian’s in our audience tonight and let’s check that very normal human impulse to laugh quite a bit when another person dies. And let us observe a moment of silence for the forty-three elderly, mentally retarded Bolivian senior citizens volleyball fans. Not to mention the poor unsuspecting fuckers in the funhouse. Well I can see this isn’t going to work. But that’s all right… that’s all right because I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence either. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. What do you do during a moment of silence? What do they want? What do they expect of me? Do they want me to pray? They don’t say that. If they want me to prayer fuck em’, let them ask. I’ll pray but Goddamn it you got to ask me. They don’t say that, they issue no instructions whatsoever. You go to the baseball game, you go to the football stadium and they’ll say, “Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, would like, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence, silence.” I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I have evil thoughts. Usually I wind up counting the pimples on the neck of the man in front of me. Looking for a white head with a hair growing through it. Or sometimes I’ll find myself staring at the huge but perfectly formed breasts on the woman in the row in front of mine. Rising and falling softly in the late October afternoon sun and my thoughts turn gently romantic, “Wow! , look at the knobs on her! What fuckin’ knobs man! Knob City, U S A!” I think I’m going to go down to the refreshment stand and buy myself a weenie and conceal it in my pants. And then come during the half-time activities I’m whipping out the weenie. Then I’m going to eat the weenie and force her to watch me. Nah, she probably wouldn’t understand. It’s my way of asking for a date. Well your imagination runs away with you. I don’t know what to do during a moment of silence. And why is it silence? What is it silence they want for? I mean after all the man, whoever it is were honoring, is dead. What good is silence? Guy’s not going to wake up now. How about a moment of screaming? Wouldn’t that be more appropriate for a dead person? [Screams] Would sure put you in the mood for the ball game. And why is it always the dead? What’s this favoritism toward the dead? Fuck the dead! What about the injured? What about the injured? You always have more injured than you have dead in any good accident. How about a moment of muffled conversation for those who are treated and released? I’ve always wanted to be treated and released. Usually I’m treated and detained. But that’s private. That’s personal stuff. I don’t reveal everything. I’m not one of those who has to tell you I will tell you a little something about my private life, here’s something you don’t know. I never fucked a ten but one night I fucked five twos. And I think that ought to count. I think that ought to go in your record as a positive achievement. Never fucked a one. Hey, never got drunk enough to fuck a one. Shit, you got to be drunk to fuck a one. Course some guy’s will fuck anybody, you know. Some guys will fuck anybody. “Hey, let’s fuck her.” “That’s a sign post Bob.” “Well let’s go for it.” Some guys will fuck anybody. Not me, not anymore. Not since herpes and AlD’s are going around. In fact, just to be on the safe side I’m not even jerking off anymore. But I don’t know where I’ve been. And you know, you know the other day too; I got to thinking about bisexuals and thinking what an awful life that must be. What a curse it must be to be a bisexual. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Think of all the phone numbers you’d accumulate. You might as well just walk around with the white pages under your arm. And you know I’ve always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I’d say, “Well I don’t get off till four o’clock.” And she’d say, “Well I don’t get off at all that’s why I’m looking for some tongue.” So far I just haven’t had the opportunity. Oh time for a little relief here you know? Da-ta-da. Sure, sure. Sometimes I go like this. But then I stop. This has been one of those times. This next piece of material is on a subject that most people can identify with, it’s about losing things. You know I don’t like to lose anything. I don’t like to lose anything! Because where is it? See basically that’s the part that bothers me the most. I’m a practical guy, where is it? I just had it. You know that feeling? It was just here! “Where is it?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “It’s lost.” “I know.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but not yet.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true. Are we going to go through this shit again?” Where do these things go when they’re lost? There are some things that I don’t even care if I ever get them back I just one to know where the fuck they went. And losing things is one of those things in life that’s even worse when you’re a child. Much worse to lose something when you’re a child because people get on you for it. You know, it’s double jeopardy. Not only is the item gone but you’re catching shit from up here. “You what?” “I lost my yo-yo.” “Well where’d you have it last?” “Hey, if I knew that I would still have my yo-yo.” “Well it must be somewhere.” “Right.” “Well it just didn’t get up and walk away.” That one always got to me. It just didn’t get up and walk away. One time I lost a cat. It just got up and walked away. And she actually started to say, “Well it just didn’t get up and…” “Hey ma, I think you figured this one out.” Where do things go when they’re lost? Do you know what I think? I think there’s a big pile of things somewhere. I think there’s a big constantly changing pile of things that are lost. You lose something it goes to the pile. And then you say, “Oh look there it is.” Right back from the pile. And you didn’t even know there was a pile. And where is the pile? I n heaven of course. Has to be in heaven. That’s the first thing that happens when you get to heaven they give you back everything you ever lost. That’s the whole meaning of heaven. You get back everything. “Here you are seventy-nine pairs of sunglasses, two hundred and twelve cigarette lighters, four thousand nine hundred and eighty-three ballpoint pens and here’s a jock strap we found on the Golden State Freeway. It appears to have mule hoof prints and chocolate sprinkles on it. Must have been quite an evening.” Yes you get back everything. You get back every… well not everything, you don’t get the big things back. Good judgment, that never comes back, your tonsils, your appendix they keep those for display purposes. Virginity, you don’t get that back cause you were in such a big hurry to get rid of it in the first place. But you do get all your wallets. You get back every wallet you ever lost. No cash, it’s just like Earth. They keep the money as a prayer offering. Speaking of heaven, you know what else they have in heaven? They’ve got a special room for every balloon that ever got away. Yeah, next time you see a balloon drifting off by itself relax soon it will be with it’s friends in the balloon room, off the main hall in west heaven and that makes me happy. You know why? Because I’m a balloon guy. I am. I don’t mind admitting it right in public. I’m a balloon guy. I love a balloon. You know what I say? I say, “Give me a balloon.” Sometimes I say it loud, “Give me a balloon!” Most people don’t pay any attention to me. Let’s get back to losing things. Have you noticed some people when they lose something the first thing they say is it was stolen? That’s there first reaction. “Who stole it?” It’s an ego defense. They can’t stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Had to of been stolen. Even if it’s something that nobody would really want. “Hey! , Hey! , who stole my collection of used bandages? And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine.” Did you ever notice this when you’ve lost something? That the longer you look for it the stranger the places get that you’re looking. You look at the strangest Goddamn places after a while. You have to, why? You’ve already looked in the easy places. Those are the first places we look, the obvious places. People say to each other, “Well I’ve looked everywhere.” “Well apparently not. Goddamn thing is still gone isn’t it?” “Let’s keep looking in obvious places. I’ll look in the furnace you check the cesspool.” You look in the strangest places. Did you ever look in the freezer for your car keys? You have to why? “They might be in there.” You wouldn’t want to pass up on an obvious place like the freezer would you? You can picture them in there. You can see them in there. That’s what the mind is for, picturing where you left your car keys. You can believe in it and you can follow the logic all the way back to the supermarket. “I came out of the supermarket, I had the frozen banana guacamole in my hands. I drove home, got out of the car with the banana guacamole in my hand, I had my keys in this hand, I put the banana guacamole in the freezer, I probably just dropped the keys in there too, let’s go take a look. Oh shit, they’re not in there. I could have sworn I left those keys in the freezer. And hey, who stole the banana guacamole?” You look in the strangest Goddamn places. Did you ever find yourself looking in a suit you haven’t worn in ten years for something you just had twenty minutes ago? You have to why? Six more pockets, wouldn’t want to pass them up would you or else you wouldn’t be able to say, “I’ve looked everywhere.” “By the way, while you’re in the closet check the watch pocket of your grandfather’s World War I uniform. You just might have handed him the keys before the Battle of Bradon.” Here’s another thing that happens when your looking for something. Did you ever notice that you’d be looking for something, you might be out in the garage and every now and then you’ll go back and look where the thing ought to be? You’ll go right from the garage you’ll walk back and look in the top drawer, “Nope not back yet.” You’re convinced that Saint Anthony will bring those keys back while you’re in the Goddamn garage. And of course if you’re looking for car keys your pocket is one place where you have to look at least six or seven hundred times. You wear out the cloth in your pocket. “They were right here and I usually… usually I’ll put them in here. See I get out of the car, I have them, see, no, hold on, no, hold it, wait a minute, no, thought maybe I’d sneak up on them, no, they’re not in there. I don’t what the hell I did with them. I had them you know? Hold on… I had… what… what? Maybe they fell upwards. Maybe they fell upward and stuck to some bubble gum, hold on. Maybe for the first time in my life I dropped them down near my balls. No, no, no.” Well you’re imagination runs away with you. Well those are easy things, car keys, those are common. Sometimes it’s an unusual item that’s missing like the couch. Did you ever come home and the Goddamn couch is gone? “Where’s the couch?” “I don’t know.” “It’s gone.” “That’s true.” “Where could it be?” “Could be anywhere.” “Maybe it will come back.” “Maybe but no not this, too big. Nothing over six feet ever comes back on it’s own.” “Well it was here this morning.” “Well of course it was here this morning, there’d be no sense in mentioning the fact that it isn’t here now unless it had been here this morning.” “Fuck you I’m tired of your shit. Why don’t you take your logic and go to bed?” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I sleep on the couch.” Well you know. [George sings] My uncle used to do that and we used to slap the shit out of him. He was a real asshole. Are there any guys here tonight wearing an earring? How about a sanitary napkin, do you have one of them on too? That’s a cheap… that’s a cheap joke, I’m sorry. That was a cheap joke and I’m better than that. “No I’m not.” Well I only ask for a specific reason. Don’t mean to embarrass anybody see I once wore an earring and I’m wondering if the climate is still the same for people who take a chance, and I don’t know I guess it’s a little different now, this was ten or twelve years ago, it can’t be quite the same, but when you wear an earring certain things I noticed certain things, this was as I say, ten years ago I decided to wear an earring. The only reason I had very simple motive, I just wanted people to think I was different okay? And I thought well I’ll drill a hole in my flesh. I only have seven holes in my head now I’ll make an eighth hole in my head and put an ornament in there and people will have to deal with me. I just wanted people to think I was a little strange okay? I mean, apparently it wasn’t strange enough that I stand up here going [noise]. I needed something a little extra. And I thought well self-mutilation that might do the trick. So I drilled a hole in my ear, put an ornament in there and set about my tasks. First thing I noticed was that some people didn’t care. In fact, the whole world seemed indifferent to what I had done. Most people would not even look at the earring, I noticed that they would look right in my eyes, ignoring the earring, and I know what’s going through their mind, they’re thinking this asshole is wearing a fucking earring. But a lot of people wouldn’t look at it cause they couldn’t handle it. That’s… I know that’s what was going on, they couldn’t handle it cause they didn’t know what it meant. You know some people think everything has to mean something. Well some things don’t mean anything. But people think it means something. It means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means your gay. If it’s in this ear it means you like to hump water buffalo or something I don’t know. Somebody said to me, “Well what does it mean?” I said, ” It means I killed a man in prison for asking fucking questions.” And that seemed to satisfy his curiosity. Another guy says to me, “Are you gay?” I say, “Well bend over and let’s find out.” You know, I mean it’s the same thing if a man carries a little bag, a little purse in his hand you know? That’s all it is, it’s a little purse. It’s a purse that’s all. Some guys can’t handle that word. Some guys who carry them can’t even call it that. They’ll say, “Where’s my little bag?” I say, ” Fuck you it’s your purse. Pick it up and get out of here will you?” I mean if you can’t handle the word don’t carry the bag. That’s all it is a little purse. I got one, big deal. What does it mean? But some people like to taunt you they’ll say, “Is that your purse?” And I say, “Yes it is and I have a picture of your mother in here sucking off an Indian.” And that seemed to satisfy their curiosity. So I wore this earring for about two years or three years and then I decided not to wear it anymore when I heard that Andy Rooney had one. I thought, “Well fuck me. How different can I be?” So I stopped wearing it and my hole grew over, my earring hole. No, not my asshole. What are you crazy or something? Get out of here. No if your asshole grows over you might as well check straight into a cemetery cause you’re going to spend a lot of time walking around the beach wondering why you’re getting larger. No, no, no my earring hole grew over and people noticed it. People would say, “Aren’t you gaining weight?” And I’d say, “Yes my earring hole grew over. And aren’t you a keen observer of detail?” But these days if you want to be different, these days, one earring isn’t enough. You got to have a whole colony of those Goddamn things growing up the side of your head like they’re out of control. Some guys are walking with a thirty-degree list to port. Setting off metal detectors all over town. Or if you really want to be different you got to get your nose pierced. That will make you different. Get your nose pierced. Actually you don’t have to get it pierced you can do it yourself at home with a paper punch. Makes a nice clean hole, only hurts for about a month and then you can put one of your dad’s tie tacks in there. “Hi Dad.” “What’s that one of my tie tacks?” “Yep.” “Well make sure you bring it home.” You’ll make a good impression at the job interview with one of your dad’s tie tacks sticking through your nose. I figure it’s your body. Well some guys won’t get that done. That’s not a guy’s thing for the most part. You won’t see too many guys with a nose stud it’s more of a woman’s thing to do. Guys figured out a long time ago, “Hey I get punched in the face with one of those things in it’s going to staple my nose to the back of my skull. Whoa, this fucking hurts man. Well I wanted to be different.” “Well you are now.” Now that’s not for men. For the most part you don’t see men it’s women that have that. And some women have more than one. Some women have two or three of those things in there. God, I could never have handled that. I mean it was hard enough keeping one earring clean, can you imagine three nose studs and a heavy cold. Whoa, forget about it. And you might sneeze and kill your friend. [Sneezes] “Fucking Joey, my eye. My eye!” Now your friend has a pierced eye to go along with your pierced nose. Little water you know. Little water. Wouldn’t hurt to have a little water. Yeah, you know. The swallow flipper is working I’m happy to say. I’d like to talk a little bit about sports. Sports are very big in this country. I’m a sports fan. That’s fine thank you. Yes I know a lot of people feel positive about sports. As I say I’m… I’m not a fanatic about sports but I’m not a casual observer either. I was watching ESPN today for which I’m thankful by the way, all sorts of strange things they show on ESPN. Today they had some swimming that was interesting. The women’s two hundred meter breaststroke. Well I’d never have seen a woman with two hundred meter breast so I was really interested. Well I’ll tell you this; I’m enough of a sports fan that I suggest I have some rules changes I would like to suggest. I think they are some changes we could make in certain sports that would make them more e xciting you know? Like in football I would love all forty-five guys play at the same time. You know, what’s this shit standing around watching the game? Get in there, put a helmet on and hurt somebody for Christ sakes will you? You’re not getting paid to watch and never mind lining up, just grab the ball and run like a mother fucker you know? Another thing I would do in football, I would leave the injured on the field. Well they’re always talking about how it’s a big war going on out there. Fine let the Red Cross come around and pick these assholes up. Here’s how I’d change basketball. You could make basketball a lot quicker. You know what you do? You have a two second shot clock. Soon as that ball is inbounds get that son-of-a-bitch up in the air. I didn’t come to watch a game of catch; I’m looking for a four or five hundred point ball game. I’m a fan. I want six overtimes and a thousand points on the board. Another thing I would do for basketball at the center court line for ten feet on either side of the center court line I would have a gasoline fire. You talk about the fast break you’d see the really fast break. Here’s another suggestion for basketball, I would allow twenty-five points for any ball that goes in the basket off another guys head. You’d see some good fights during those close games I’ll tell you. And you’d increase the chance for serious injuries. That’s what I’m looking for injuries. That’s what I like about sports. I don’t care who wins these games if I want to see winners I’ll watch the Academy Awards. I’m looking for injuries, serious lifelong, crippling, debilitating injuries. I’m an American, give me a little violence and I’m a happ y guy. Most people won’t admit that. Most people won’t admit that. They’ll say, “Well I like the competition.” “Yeah like Hiroshima right?” Fuck the competition; I’m looking for a leg in two or three places. Well now getting back to how we can improve these sports and speed them up. You know baseball needs a little speeding up. You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing, that’s it. One swing, fuck you, you’re out, sit down, come on let’s go, come on sit down, come on, let’s go. There’s another thing to make baseball a lot faster, if the pitcher hits the batter with the ball, batter’s out. You hit twenty-seven guys you got yourself a perfect game my friend. You get two really good accurate pitchers out there and you could be out of that ballpark in fifteen minutes. You could be home watching football on TV and see some serious Goddamn injuries. One more thing for baseball. Out in the outfield I would have a series of randomly placed landmines. “There’s Marshall settling under that ball. Boom! Holy shit.” Now I must e xplain the only reason I mentioned baseball, basketball and football is because to my way of thinking these are really the only three sports we have. Nothing else qualifies as a sport according to me. Everything else is a game or an activity. Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time. I ce skating, playing with a puck and beating the shit out of somebody. Now if these guys were intelligent at all they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice-skating then you play with the puck then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last a lot longer and these guys would have a whole lot more fun. Tell you another reason hockey is not a sport it’s not played with a ball. Anything that isn’t played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules I make them up. Hockey is played with a puck. What is a puck? I never even heard of a puck outside of hockey. Have you ever heard of a puck? The only other place you find a puck is in the urinal to control the smell in the bathroom all right? And as far as I’m concerned any game where the main object is something that came out of a urinal is definitely not a sport. Soccer, soccer is not a sport cause you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport I rest my case. Another thing I don’t like about soccer they got dots on the ball. That’s a big rule of mine, no Goddamn dots on the ball. Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport. Because anyone can do it. You know anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run you can run. My mother can run. You don’t see her on the cover of Sports I llustrated do you? People say I’m going to run down to the store and buy a loaf of bread. Fine it’s not a Goddamn sport. I’m not going to pay to watch you buy a fucking loaf of bread. Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s common sense. Sailing. Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding a bus isn’t a sport. Why the fuck should sailing be a sport? Boxing is not a sport. Boxing is a way to beat the shit out of somebody. In that respect boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. But beating the shit out of somebody is not a sport in spite of what the police think. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event fine then boxing can be a sport. Bowling, bowling isn’t a sport cause you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget my rules, I make them up. Billiards. Now billiards is not a sport because there’s no chance for serious injuries. Unless you welsh on a bet in a tough neighborhood then if you see a guy with a pool cue sticking out of his ass you know that might be a sports related injury. But that’s not billiards that’s pool. And that’s starts with a ‘P’ and that rhymes with a ‘D’ and that brings me to darts. Now darts could be a sport cause you might put somebody’s eye out but darts will never be sport because the whole object is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic. Lacrosse. Lacrosse is not a sport. Lacrosse is a fagot college activity. Sorry about that. That’s right. Anytime you’re standing in a field with a stick with a net on the end of it you’re engaged in a fagot college activity. Same thing goes for field hockey and fencing. These things aren’t sports cause you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a fuckin’ fencing bet? Gymnastics. Gymnastics is not a sport cause Romanians are good at it. Took me a long time to come up with that rule but by God I thought of one. Polo. Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. It’s a great concept but it’s not a sport. And water polo I don’t even want to mention water polo cause it’s extremely cruel to the horses. Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting’s a sport? Ask the deer. The only thing good about hunting is the many accidents on the weekends. Which brings me to auto racing. Now were talking serious Goddamn injuries folks. I don’t know about you but that’s what I’m looking for in motor racing. A nice crash and a car fire. I don’t care who wins these races. It’s the same five rednecks who win all the time anyway. Who gives a shit about these people? I got to be honest with ya. Listen I got to be honest, driving five hundred miles in a circle does not impress me. I’m looking for an accident. Let me put it this way, when else am I going to see a twenty-six car collision and not be in the Goddamn thing? Then we have tennis. Now tennis, very trendy, not a sport. Tennis is a form of ping-pong. In fact, tennis is ping-pong played while standing on the table, you know? Great idea but its not a sport. In fact, all racket games are nothing but derivatives of ping-pong. Even volleyball is racketless team ping-pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table. Then finally we come to golf. Did you ever watch golf on TV? It’s like watching flies fuck. I get more excited picking out socks. Golf could be fun if you could play alone. But it’s these genetic defectives that you have to hang around with that makes it such a boring pastime. Think of the brains that it takes to play golf. Hitting a ball with a crooked stick and then walking after it. And then hitting it again. I say pick it up asshole. Your lucky you found it. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home will ya? Thank you. Goodnight everybody. Thank you all very much. Thank you. Thank you. Have a good time. Goodnight. Thank you. Thank you very much. Goodnight now. You hear that guys? They loved it. You was great sweetie. Yeah you was terrific Mr. Holder. Way to go Mr. Holder. Do something Boss, do something. We’ll find ourselves another schmuck. You’re a bummer man. You were funny without us man. You were really funny. You think they’ll be back? Not a chance kid. Good night Mr. Holder. Good night Pops. Awe he’s such a nice man."
1686242162-219,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Joe Rogan: Strange Times (2018) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/joe-rogan-strange-times-transcript/,"[indistinct chattering] [faint laughter] [audience cheering and applauding] Oh! What the fuck, Boston? Goddamn! Thank you. It’s good to be here. Good to be back. Fuck! I love it. Goddamn it! Good to see happy people… having a good time. It’s a tense world we’re living in today. You got a president that’s threatening to fight an ex-vice president. [laughter] You pay attention to that shit? It’s a couple weeks ago on Twitter. Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden, Joe Biden would go down fast and hard. [laughter] I want to get in his ear. I’ll be like, “Let’s make this happen, bro.” [laughter] There’s money on the table. I’ll commentate for free. [laughter] No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper. No clothes. To the death. [laughter] Fuck it. Let’s bring this thing totally down. Seems like every day you turn on the news, more and more crazy shit. When are we going to realize we shouldn’t have a fucking president? It’s a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest to see who controls everything. Because if you could go back in time and grab Thomas Jefferson and bring him to 2018… his first question would be… “You guys didn’t write any new shit? [laughter] Dude, I wrote that with a feather. [laughter] I did it by fire! That’s the only way I could see what I was writing! You lazy fucks! You guys have phones in your pockets and spaceships! ‘But the wisdom of the scroll shall not be adjusted.’ What the fuck does that even mean? Who told you that, bro?” [laughter] We always like to say, “The long, great history of the United States.” Listen, that’s not real. The United States was founded in 1776. People live to be a hundred. That’s three people ago. [laughter] You’re like, “Is he right?” Yeah! The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz! [laughter] Three people ago! Listen to me, you’re not going to get this from teachers. We used to be monkeys, and we found mushrooms, and now we’re different. And it’s real, real recent. [laughter] No one knows what’s going on. Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees, and used the power of the wind to drift across the ocean. They didn’t have a YouTube video to watch first. They didn’t talk to a travel agent. You know what they had? A drawing. Some guy went there and drew it. [laughter] Like, “Are you sure that’s what you saw?” “That’s what I saw! You callin’ me a liar?” And they had a gunfight in the dirt streets. They were fucking savages just three people ago. They took their baby and jumped on a boat and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids. Animals. That’s us. It just happened. Real recent! “I just never saw Trump coming.” Well, you don’t pay attention to trends. We have a very clear trend in this country. We try one person as president, and the next person has to be completely opposite. ‘Cause no one can do the job correctly. So we let someone try it and we’re like, “He fucked it up.” We go with this guy who’s totally different, who’s got our interests in mind. And we always do the same thing. We go right, left, dumb, smart. We give everybody a chance. [laughter] We go Clinton, Bush. Then we go Bush, Obama. Obama, Trump. We just got out of a long-term relationship with a very boring but sensible person, and now we’re dating a whore. [laughter] [cheers and applause] All right? She’s got fake hair. She’s racist. She’s always lying. We don’t care! We’re not trying to start a family, we just want to run red lights and fuck. [laughter] All right? [applause] For real. We don’t know what we’re doing. If this country was a person, we’d be on coke, driving a yellow Corvette, singing Mötley Crüe songs in front of our ex’s house. [laughter] We’re going crazy! [laughter] “Well, it would have been so much better if Hillary won.” [moans] [audience cheers] “Oh, we got so close!” “Oh! We almost had a woman!” Oh, girls, relax. I think a woman can be president. But let’s not use a lying old lady who faints a lot. [laughter] I think you can do better. It’s not that I don’t think a woman can be president. I’m fucking sure a woman can fuck it up just as bad as the men that fucked it up. No one’s going to do it right. But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom, I’d be like, “Mom! You can’t be president. You can’t stand up fast.” [laughter] “I’ll show you! One ring to rule them all…” [groans] [laughter and applause] [in a woman’s voice] “Oh, you’re sexist! I see, you’re sexist! As well as short. You’re fucking sexist!” Ugh! Defuse my point of view. I am sexist. But I’m sexist against men. I decided during this whole Harvey Weinstein thing. This is why. That’s when I realized I was… I had some suspicions… that I might be sexist before that. [laughter] That’s when I really decided. ‘Cause what Harvey Weinstein did, it was fucking terrible. Can you imagine being an actress? You gotta fuck that guy in order to make it. Like, ugh. What a horrible choice. Like, what a terrible position to be in! “This is the only way?” That sucks. That’s fucking… That’s criminal. I think that guy’s a piece of shit. I think he should be punished. But!     [laughter] If he had done the exact same thing to men, I wouldn’t give a fuck. [laughter] I wouldn’t even be slightly upset. [laughter] If I was reading the morning paper and I read a story about a bunch of dudes who let Harvey Weinstein fuck ’em… [laughter] -so they could be in superhero movies… [laughter] I’d read that, I’d go, “Ha-ha!” [laughter] What else? What else is happening? [chuckles] [laughter and applause] I wouldn’t be clamoring for justice. [audience member] Woo! [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein was a woman who looked like Harvey Weinstein… [laughter] and she did the exact same shit to men, my only question would be, “Hey! How bad you want to be Batman? [laughter and applause] How long is it going to take, bro? You could wait tables in this town for 20 years and never catch a break. Or you give the nice lady what she wants. [laughter] Jude Law is in the waiting room and he’s wearing a lobster bib. You tell me… [laughter] if you want to be a winner. [laughter] They don’t fucking give Ferraris away, son! They make ’em by hand.” [laughter] If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter and offered her a movie role in exchange for sex, I, like every other parent in this room, would want to fuck him up. But if Harvina Weinstein… [laughter] came to my son with a solid contract… [laughter] I’d be like, “Dude, you’re gonna be Batman. [laughter and applause] Yes, you are. [cheers and applause] [whistles] Hey, no crying! Batman doesn’t cry! Come on!” “Your own son? Really?” Jaaaaa. What’s the worst thing that can happen? It’d be a harder job. It’d be hard to please Harvina. [laughter] Right? Rich old lady, it’s probably real hard to make ’em come. You gotta make eye contact, you gotta lock in with them. They got to know you’re involved in this project. Right? Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical. [grunts] [laughter] Look. Always, always maintain eye contact. That wouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part is, when you go down on Harvina, she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead. And the sweat! The sweat gets in your eyes! And it stings like sunscreen! But you gotta keep ’em open ’cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah! [laughter] Nobody cares. Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy. No one cares. [laughter] We’re all sexist against men. No one cares. No one feels bad. [faint laughter] “How’d you get that car?” “Man, I had to eat pussy for it.” “You gonna be okay?” [laughter] Feel bad for you. [Joe laughs] [laughter] Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies. I’m on your side. My favorite example of the difference between the way men and women are treated was always old school Fox News. I used to watch it without the sound on, so it’s almost like watching a wildlife program, just watch them move around. I was watching it once and Megyn Kelly was on, and she was on with Bill O’Reilly. They were right next to each other, so I assumed they were in the same climate. But Bill O’Reilly was dressed like there was a chill in the air. He had a jacket on, a shirt, a tie, and pants. And Megyn Kelly was wearing what would best be described as a vagina curtain. [laughter] Not a good curtain either. Not like one of those Vegas curtains that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no. No, this curtain is like that curtain that sits over Grandma’s kitchen sink. You know that one? [laughter] Kind of flutters in the breeze. You could always see the yard. You know that one? And Megyn Kelly’s on TV with smooth, slippery skin that doesn’t exist in nature outside the dolphin community. [laughter] You’d see her toes. You’d see her feet and her toes. She could just kick off her shoes and there’s a Dorito-sized piece of cloth keeping you from the greatest show on earth. And it’s right there. She knows it’s right there, you know it’s right there and no one’s saying a fucking word. And if she disagrees with you, she’ll adjust the curtain and switch her legs. Hmm. [faint chuckles] Hmm. Nobody says nothing. If I was talking to a dude… and he didn’t have any pants on… [laughter] and he kept switching his legs back and forth… I’d be like, “Hey, man. Are we cool? [laughter] Where the fuck are the rest of your clothes? Why you so itchy? Where’d you get those shoes?” No one says shit while Megyn Kelly’s over there trying to start a fake tan fire in her pussy. [laughter] [blows air] [a clap, laughter] It’s weird. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s weird. She doesn’t have any sleeves on. Where are your sleeves? [laughter] That’s not weird? It’s not weird, it’s strange. “I want you to respect me.” I want to respect you, but you’re half-naked and I want to fuck you, so I’m confused. I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of saying anything you want. Whatever you want me to say, I’ll say it. I want you to like me more. That’s the problem with a woman that’s that beautiful and super smart. You know she’s smarter than you. She’s a lawyer. She never says “um,” she’s smart as fuck. [laughter] And she’s really, really, really pretty, and she doesn’t have a lot of clothes on. She’s gonna get her way. All right? [laughter] You won’t tell her to go fuck herself. You’ve to be super secure to do that. And you can see some of her tit. [laughter] That’s weird, right? If I came here like this, you’d be like, “Joe, what the fuck are you doing, man?” [laughter] Right, but if Megyn Kelly’s on TV, “Oh, she’s just got a cute shirt on. It’s just cute. It’s cute.” You could see some tit. You could see some middle tit. You might even see some side tit if you catch… if she’s pointing at something, she might just… “I didn’t even know you were looking at my side tit.” She’ll just pretend. But long as you don’t show the dirty, dirty dark skin. [groans] There it is! [cheers and laughter] The sensitive, forbidden skin! Put it away! It’s not for strangers! [laughter] That’s fucking strange, ladies. Listen, don’t listen to me. I’m a moron. Wear what you’re wearing, it looks great, but it’s weird. You can show some of a sex organ. What if that was the case with dudes? What if we had a window in our pants, we could just see the shaft? [laughter] Right? Just the shaft. [laughter] You can’t see the head of my dick, I’m not a creep. [laughter] Okay? Just a little side dick. [laughter] You have cleavage, we have tubage, it’s no big deal. It’s whatever. Just showing a little tubage. Why do I dress like that? To look cute for my friends. Okay? God! You’re so fucking jealous. I need to get a sip of water. Excuse me for a moment here. [Joe clears throat] I probably should’ve taken this onstage with me, but I’m trying to be cool. That’s that cotton mouth, son. [laughter] [sniffs, clears throat] Woo! [cheers and applause] Yeah, you guys are legal now. I grew up here. We used to hide in the bushes and smoke weed. Ridiculous. Hiding from cops that are now getting high. Going, “What do I do to all those fucking kids? Hoo-hoo-hoo.” [laughter] The real problem is the laws. And Massachusetts finally has good laws. We’ll be able to understand… [cheers and applause] what pot actually is. Florida’s got the craziest laws, ’cause Florida’s trying to protect their pain pill industry. So in Florida, they make it so illegal, this is one of the things they do in Florida: they hire undercover cops to pretend to be high school students. Specifically a hot woman. They hired a 25-year-old hot woman to pretend to be a high school student, flirt with boys, get those boys to sell her weed, and then arrest them. [faint laughter] I don’t like to use the word “cunt.” [laughter] When I use it, I want it to mean something. That’s a cunt. That lady’s a piece of… fucking human garbage. You fucking asshole. Here’s the thing. [laughter] Not only is it not fair, that is one of the most sexist stories you’ll ever hear. Here’s why it’s sexist. It’s sexist against boys. Here’s why. You could never imagine that story if the genders were reversed. If you found out that a 25-year-old man was throwing dick at your 17-year-old daughter, and he talked her into selling him weed, and then he arrested her, we would light that motherfucker on fire in the street. Right? [cheers and applause] But if it was my own son who got arrested by that cop, I’d be like, “How’d it go? [laughter] Tell me what happened. Record? You’re worried about your record? You got a story, dude. You got a… You’re the first guy ever to get arrested by an undercover cop you thought was his girlfriend. [laughter] That’s a fucking hell of a story.” Some people are, like, hard asses about it like, “Shoulda known better. He’s almost 18.” Yeah, but he’s almost 16 too. [laughter] Which is almost 15. That’s like a little kid. Do you remember what you were like when you were 17? You didn’t know what the fuck was going on. And this kid wasn’t even a drug dealer. This kid, it’s not like he got caught. No, this kid was a straight-A student that thought he was getting pot for his girlfriend. He even tried to give it to her. She wouldn’t accept it. She wanted to give him money, so she could arrest him. But he had to know, he was a smart kid. He had to know. He had to know something was off. ‘Cause here’s what it’s like: a 25-year-old woman is not the same as a 17-year-old girl. They look similar, but they’re not the same. Here’s what it’s like: I had this dog once that I got from the pound. [laughter] You know how you get a dog… “Are you comparing women to dogs?” No! [laughter] You’ll see. [laughter] The dog, she was a sweetheart of a dog, but she had been the pound too long, she was real sketchy. And I would bring her around other dogs, and, like, when a dog has been in the pound, like, every other dog they think is going to take their food or take their bed. So I take it to the dog park, and she’d see dogs and go, “Fuck off! Fuck off!” And every dog would be like, “Whoa, Jesus.” [laughter] That’s how she acted with every single dog till one day, one day I brought her to the dog park and somebody brought a wolf. Some fucking hippie asshole with wooden beads on, wearing sandals, this motherfucker brought a thing that eats dogs into a cage filled with dogs! [laughter] My dog looked at that wolf and looked at me and went, “That’s not a fucking dog! Aah!” [laughter] She knew. I don’t know how she knew. She didn’t grow up in Alaska. She wasn’t a Montana dog. How the fuck did she know? But she knew. Somehow. Somehow. That had to be what it was like when that 17-year-old boy was around that 25-year-old woman. Like, “Um, where’d you go to school? Unh? Hmm?” [laughter] She’s like touching him. [groaning] ‘Cause 17-year-old girls don’t sound anything like 25-year-old women. You ever talk to a 17-year-old kid? They don’t know what the fuck they’re saying. They’re basically just practicing talking. [laughter] They’ve only been talking for, like, a few years. [laughter] They don’t know how to make shit sound good. They’re like, “Have you heard the new Drake song? It’s so fire!” You’re like… [groaning] Argh! What the fuck did you do to my ears? Meanwhile the 25-year-old cop’s like, “Let’s go back to my house, smoke some pot, and snuggle.” That kid’s like… “You have a house? [laughter]     How the fuck did you get a house?” [laughter] Your dumb friends are like, “She saves, bro. [laughter] My cousin did it, my cousin bought a house.” Kids are always lying. 17-year-old kids. “Yeah, my cousin bought three houses by the time he was four.” What? Four? [laughter] Seventeen. “You should know better.” You know how crazy that is to say? That is a short amount of time on this planet, seventeen years old. And it’s a confusing time. Maybe one of the most confusing times ever for a boy, because your life is a certain way for 13 years, and then you start getting uncontrollable boners right around 13 years in. For 13 years you think you got life mapped out. “I get life, you do what you want, you kind of have a good time. You ride your bike and you play your games, hang out with your buddies.” And then suddenly two years later you’re waking up going, [screaming] “What do you want from me?” [laughter] And your dick’s like… [groaning] Every day. Every day. Confusion. “Do I love you?” [laughter] “What are you gonna do for a living, bro?” Another thing you get when you’re 17. “What are you gonna do? You’re almost a man. Be a loser?” “I don’t know.” And then you see, you see around you all these people that are chasing bullshit. Material possessions and nonsense lives, doing things they hate and getting stuck in a rut. You don’t want it to be you and you don’t know how to get out of that. And everybody’s confused and everybody’s like, “Bro, what are you gonna do for a living?” I don’t know! I don’t know. Just get together with your friends and try to figure life out. Unwind, hang out, smoke a little joint. Like, ‘Dude… [snorts] I think my girlfriend’s a cop.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] I’m like, “Dude, you’re paranoid. Trust me, it’s the weed. There’s no way.” Meanwhile, he was right. Poor little fuck. Nobody cares. ‘Cause nobody cares about boys. Why? Listen, don’t “aw.” It’s okay. We’re running shit. [laughter] It’s the balance of power. Look, it’s… it’s all for good. So much tension. ‘Cause, like, this is a new time for jokes too, because everything I say on this Netflix special is going to get me in trouble, but I… I knew coming in. But I want to explain to people if they’re mad at me. Talk to me offstage, I’m super reasonable. But I say shit I don’t mean ’cause it’s funny. Like, people should get that but they don’t get that, not in 2018. Everybody wants to write it down and make it literal. “This is exactly what he said, here’s a quote.” “Oh, hate! Let’s end the hate! Enh!” [applause] And people are way more sensitive now. Because of the Internet, everybody has an opinion and they can all express it, when that’s not really necessary for some folk. Some folks, their opinion’s not that good. They should… keep it to themselves. But today, anybody can express opinions. I’ve gotten death threats for shit I don’t even remember saying. Like, I did a podcast with Tony Hinchcliffe, and apparently I said I thought pro wrestling was gay. [laughter] I don’t even remember saying it. [laughter] But I got off the podcast and I checked my Twitter, and the fucking hurricane of misspelled hate messages that came my way. I was like, “Aah!” What have I done? [laughter] I didn’t even mean what I said. It was just a funny thing to say in that moment ’cause he’s so into it. I’m like, “It’s gay.” It’s funny to say! [laughter] “No, it’s not ever funny to say.” Well, you don’t hang out with my friends. So I don’t know what the fuck to tell you. “Well, you’re a homophobic piece of shit! I wouldn’t hang out with your friends!” That’s not true. Here’s where you’re wrong. I… ‘Cause people tell you that you shouldn’t say something’s gay. But I love gay people. I’ve no problem with gay people. I’m happy they’re a real thing. I really am. I like it, mix it up. Who gives a shit? [laughter] So if you don’t like me calling things gay, then what word would you like me to use to describe gay shit? [laughter and applause] What are we doing here, man? There’s certain noises we can’t make with our face anymore? You know, I think the same fucking thing, right? [laughter] Gay’s not negative. It’s just gay. Okay? There’s certain things… [chuckles] There’s certain things that are gay that have nothing to do with men having sex with each other. Like musicals. [laughter] Right? No one knows why. They’re just gay. Men wearing pearls, gay as fuck. [laughter] It’s not a negative. And I don’t really hate pro wrestling. I was just talking shit. Like, when I was a kid, I loved Jimmy “The Superfly” Snuka, and Bob Backlund, and Hulk Hogan, and I love The Rock. I go to his Twitter page every day for inspiration. And who’s not a fan of Ric Flair? [audience] Woo! We didn’t rehearse that! [laughter] You knew what to do! That man has an exuberant noise attached to his name. That’s one of the most American things of all time. Right? I was just talking shit. That’s all it was. So Tony goes, “Listen, if you just watch pro wrestling with me, you’ll love it, and you’ll become a fan.” I’m like, “All right, dude. Turn it on.” He turns it on! I see a guy with shaved legs, wearing Speedos, with knee-high leather boots on, and he’s holding another guy down. But not really. [laughter] The guy’s like, “I can’t even get up.” And the guy he’s holding down is wearing a leather mask! I’m like, “What the fuck, Tony! [laughter] Have you watched this with a critical eye?” [uncontrollable laughter] I’m not saying it’s gay. But let’s just be honest. Everywhere else on the planet, other than that ring… [laughter] Everywhere else on Earth, when a dude shows up shirtless, wearing a leather mask and Speedos… he’s there to suck dicks. Okay? Period. [cheers and applause] I don’t care what you tell the cops. That guy knew what the fuck he was doing. So there’s going to be people mad at me for that, but I just want you to know, for a bunch of things. Here’s what’s really important. And I can’t believe you’ve to do this, but in 2018 you’ve to do this. You’ve to say a joke and then you go, “Hey, that’s not…” This is what I really feel. This… this is what I really feel. There’s nothing wrong… I don’t want anybody thinking I’m a bigot. There’s nothing wrong with being gay, nothing, and there’s nothing wrong with being a fan of pro wrestling. [laughter] But it’s the same thing. [laughter and applause] To me. I respect both of them. I think both of them are amazing. I’m super happy. I’ve had some other death threats this year. I, uh… [chuckles] …put a poster up, put a picture up on Instagram of some deer meat, and I wrote, “This is some meat from a deer that liked to kick babies and was about to join ISIS.” [laughter] I was feeling real good about that post. Then I got cocky and I wrote hashtag #vegan and that’s where I fucked up. [laughter] Ooh! That wasn’t worth it. That didn’t feel good. Oh! The hate, the anger! Never in my life have I encountered such a ruthless, vicious group of kind, compassionate people… [laughter] as I have in that fucking hashtag #vegan group. [faint laughter] These vegans that are vegans for good reasons, folks, but the problem with vegans is the problem with every single group of human beings. If you get a group of 100 people, just pick a random 100 people, what are the odds that one of them is a fucking idiot? It’s 100%. We nerf all the sharp edges in this world and we let dummies survive. There’s no wolves running through our streets. It’s 100% that one out of 100 is a fucking idiot. Some of those are vegans, and this is how it works: if you got a group and you don’t have to take a test to get in there, some of them are in there for the right reasons. Most vegans are vegans ’cause they’re kind people. They don’t want anything to die so they can live. And those people are heroes, ’cause they’re always tired, they’re cranky, their health’s all fucked up. They’re doing it for all the right reasons. But then there’s vegans who are really only vegans ’cause Scientology didn’t find them first. [laughter and applause] -Okay? You know. Everybody knows certain vegans that would have joined the Taliban if they took the wrong flight, all right? They’re fucking dipshits. Those guys always have “vegan” in their name. It’s always like “vegan warrior.” They just start eating plants and start talking shit. They joined a gang. It’s a plant-based gang. [hysterical laughter] I don’t argue with these people but I do when they say something totally crazy to me. I will check their profile, see what they’re interested in. And this one lady said something really fucked up. She wrote me, she goes, “I hope animals eat your children in front of you. I hope everyone you know gets cancer. I hope you die in your mother’s arms.” And I’m like, “Well. [laughter] What’s this healthy lady up to?” [laughter] [laughs] So I go… I go to her fucking page. She has a bunch of hashtags, right? Normal ones like hashtag #vegan, hashtag #crueltyfree, and then I seen one that I’ve never seen before. It says hashtag #vegancat. [faint laughter] [Joe sighs] I check my watch. It’s 1:00 in the morning, I’m like, “Fuck, do I click this?” [laughter] I’m like, “I should just go to bed, right? I should just go to sleep. I shouldn’t do this. I should have some herbal tea and read a book.” And there’s the other part of your brain like, “Shut up, pussy. Click it. Come on! Come on!” I always listen to that part. That’s the secret to my success, I always listen… [chuckles] “Come on, pussy! Come on!” I click it. I’m hoping… This is what I’m hoping. I’m hoping hashtag #vegancat… I’m hoping what that is is, like, a support group. [laughter] Right? Like, we all have friends that are vegans that also have cats. You go over to their house and you’re like, “So why are you vegan again?” “Well, I just don’t think it’s our right to decide that an animal should live or die.” And then they open up a fat can of murder and give it to that little fucking psychopath that they live with. And you’re like, “Hey. [chuckles] Hey, man. What’s in that fucking can? What are you doing?” “Well, he’s a carnivore but I’m an herbivore.” If you are a vegan with a pet cat, that’s like being a doctor with a pet vampire. [laughter] Pick a team, fuck face. What are you doing? You live with a murderer! Okay? If you love animals, just shoot that cat right in the fucking head. That thing eats 200 animals a year. [laughter] That is what I was hoping. That’s what I was hoping hashtag #vegancat meant. Oh! But no. No. #vegancat is a whole fucking community of people who think it’s a good idea to feed your cat salad. [laughter] Now, before I go any further, it’s very important that I be completely truthful to you, ’cause people call you out all the time. It’s always some guy. “Actually… Actually you can feed your cat a vegan diet.” They do that little cunt nod. You know that thing that people do? [laughter] They tell you something and then… Oh, is that the worst? Even if they’re right, you’re like, “Fuck you and your facts. This fucking face thing you’re doing.” But he’s right. You can… feed your cat a vegan diet if you don’t mind them going blind… and dying young. “Is he serious?” Yeah, I’m fucking serious. You will, after this show, go on your phone and check out hashtag #vegancat, and you will be treated to a collection of pets that look like they live in a house with a gas leak. [laughter and applause] Every fucking cat is like, “When is the real food coming? What the fuck is…” They’re all lying down! I’m not joking! Every fucking cat. You’re gonna go, “He’s right!” They’re all lying down! All of ’em! And they die young! Really fucking young! They take pictures, these fucking psychos. “RIP Tabby! We had five amazing years together!” The cat’s eyes are milky, its legs are stiff. It’s like… “What is this lady feeding me? Where’s the real food, bitch?” It’s a cat! You got to feed it cat food! “Hashtag #crueltyfree.” Tell that to your blind, dead cat, you fucking crazy asshole! -It’s a cat! Okay? [whistles and cheers and applause] It doesn’t want to eat mashed potatoes! It makes us uncomfortable that something would want to kill something because what if someone wants to kill us? I don’t want that. That’s what it is. It’s just weird panic that we have about our own mortality. But it’s a real simple system. If this comes up in an argument, feel free to use this. This is how it works: Green shit grows out of the ground, dumb shit eats the green shit, mean shit kills the dumb shit. That’s your cat. That’s why you don’t have to hack your way through a river of bunny rabbits to get your fucking Prius every morning. Okay? You can’t feed that thing cranberries. [laughter] “We went to see Joe Rogan and he hates gays and cats. I am currently blogging about it.” [laughter] None of this is true. I love gay people and I have cats, and my cats are fluffy, which is gay. [laughter] I have gay things that I love. I listened to Miley Cyrus music right before I got onstage tonight. There’s plenty of gay things I love. I have those fluffy, those Monsanto, GMO cats. You ever see those cats? Like, how the fuck did that turn into that? You see a cat in a tundra and then you see my fucking thing. They’re called Ragdolls because, like… I don’t know you, ma’am, but if you came to my house, you could scoop that cat up, they wouldn’t get nervous. “Who’s this crazy lady?” They wouldn’t… Anybody could just pick one of those cats up and put it on their shoulder, and they’d just go limp. [purrs] ‘Cause I have a seven-year-old daughter. My daughter just scoops that cat up like a sandbag in a CrossFit class, and she’s barely got this fucking cat, and they just limp. [purrs] Purring away. So happy to be touched. They have almost no instincts. Almost. Almost! ‘Cause those little fuckers will sit in front of the window. And they see a squirrel across the street, their eyes lock on that squirrel, and they start making these involuntary mouth noises like… [Joe sputtering] [laughter] [repeats it] You ever see your cat do that? It’s so fucking creepy! They don’t even know you’re there. You can get right next to them, like, “What the fuck are you doing, man?” They don’t even look at you. [sputters] I’ve had that cat since it was a baby. It’s never been outside. Three-year-old cat, never been outside. And he sees those squirrels across the street and he’s like… “I remember.     [laughter] [Joe imitates a soft growl] I remember the old way.” [growls] How the fuck does that DNA get into that cat? He’s not looking at that squirrel like, “That’s my little friend across the street. I’d like to meet him!” No, it’s like, “Ah! Your neck is right there.” [laughter and applause] That’s crazy. That’s some crazy, murderous DNA. That’s like if you had a science experiment where you had a man in captivity, and you never showed him a woman ever, until he was full grown, and then you show him a naked one through prison glass. And as soon as he sees her, he goes, “Time to fuck! Time… time to fucking fuck!” [laughter and applause] Dudes come over with clipboards. “How do you know? How do you know what to do?” “I know what I know, bro! I know when it’s fuck time! It’s fuckety fuckin’!” That’s what it’s like for that cat. How the fuck does that cat know what to do? [uncontrollable laughter] Explain that to me, science. Cats kill everything they can. Dogs will keep it together. If you’ve a good dog, a good dog will keep it together. Like, you could could have a pet dog and a pet hamster, and that pet hamster, if you got a good dog, that pet hamster could live a long life. [laughter] But you got a pet cat and a pet hamster, that hamster’s got an hour to live. [laughter] And that’s just ’cause your cat’s going to torture it for 59 minutes. That poor little fucker’s like, “I think he’s done! Finally it’s gonna let me get away and I’m just gonna be free!” And the cat’s like, “Not today, motherfucker. Not today. You just stick the fuck down.” It’s what they do. You can’t feed ’em apples. It’s what they do. Dogs care. You can put a hamster on the floor in a room with a good dog. A good dog will look at you, look at the hamster. Look at you, look at the hamster. He’d be like, “Um… -can I fuck him up?” [laughter] “No! That’s Mr. Fluffers! Mr. Fluffers is the newest member of our family!” The dog just starts calculating, like, “Okay, okay. [hysterical laughter] Okay, okay. I like free food. These people are nice to me. Okay. [sniffs] [laughter] That’s a fucking rat, dude. That’s a rat! Okay. Okay. Okay, family. Yeah. Family, family!” You can tell, though, when that dog’s not totally on board, they just get a little too close to that hamster like, “Ooh! I was gonna fuck you up.” [laughter] [a few claps] But a cat, you don’t have a chance. Cats, they will make Exorcist noises. You can try to hold your cat in a room with a hamster, your cat starts going… [Joe caterwauling] [laughter] He’s letting you know, “Bitch, I’m about to claw your fucking eyes out! You’ll never see your kids again!” They don’t care how long you been feeding them. They don’t care about your history of free massages. “There’s a rat on the floor! If you let me go, I can kill the rat!” [loud meow] [laughter] And people keep those things as pets. That’s what’s so fucked up. Imagine if your kid did that, a kid that you couldn’t have in a room with something smaller than him, he’s like, “Gotta kill, Mommy! Murder! Kill!” Like, “Junior, sit down!” “No! Fuck you! Death!” “Well, we just can’t have a pet cat, ’cause Junior breaks the cat’s neck. He’s crazy. I don’t know what to do.” We just accept the fact this fucking cat’s a murderer. Can’t feed that thing cranberries, you crazy bitch. Okay? You’re the monster. Dogs feel bad when they kill things too if you’re mad. Like if your dog kills a hamster and you’re like, “How could you!” [sobs] “How could I? Shit! Did I do that? [groans] Damn it!” “I’m so disappointed in you.” “I’m disappointed in myself! -[laughter] [Joe groans] I’m sorry!” [sobs] [laughter] They walk to you sideways. “I fucked up, dude. Fucking seriously.” But your cat, the cat doesn’t feel remotely bad. Your cat kills something, you’re like, “How could you?” He’s like, “Bitch, you know me.” [laughter] He’ll walk away slow with his tail in the air so you can see his asshole. [uproarious laughter, applause] They don’t care. You scream at him. “You’re a monster!” They pull their ears back. Like, “Why you so loud?” And just lie down right in front of you and lick their own dick. “How about you just shut the fuck up while I lick my dick?” [cheers and applause] [whistles blowing] They don’t care. They don’t care about you. Cats know when you’re high too. They seem to know, you’re vulnerable. Dogs don’t have a clue. You come home high, your dog’s like, “You’re extra friendly today!” [laughter] If I’m watching Black Mirror at 1:00 in the morning, my cat will, like, sit down next to me and be like… “You know you’re going to die, right?” [laughter] [hysterical laughter, cheers and applause] Creepy little fuckers. Something… something spooky about predators, living with a little predator. You know? I think it’s good for us. I think it’s good for us to be nervous. I really do. I think we all need Jesus. [laughter] I grew up… I was raised Catholic for a little while, and then I wised up when I was about seven. And, um… [laughter] Since then, I was like, that discipline is probably pretty good for people. One of the things that gets me about, um, people that are really into Jesus is that you’re supposed to think that Jesus is going to return. But if he did, you’d never believe it. [faint chuckles] Right? Like, nobody believes new miracles. If someone came up to you and go, “Yo, dude. You gotta meet my cousin. He was dead for three days and he came back to life and he hangs out with hookers, but he don’t fuck ’em, he only gives ’em advice. [laughter] Want me to give him your number?” You’d be like, “Yeah, sounds like a good idea. I want to talk to him forever. He sounds totally legit.” [faint laughter] No, we only like old miracles. But I think there’s a new miracle that we might have missed, and I’m going to tell you this story. There was a woman who was born in Africa, she had a birth defect. She was born without a vagina. Grew to be a full grown woman, she had no other problems. Grew to be a full grown woman, gave a guy a blowjob, and then got into a knife fight. The knife went through her stomach, the sperm hitched the ride on the blade, and landed on her eggs. She got pregnant. Nine months later, by cesarean section, they open her up like a sleeping bag and pull out a normal kid. That’s a real fucking story. You’re like, “The Fear Factor guy just makes shit up to make his stupid fucking jokes work. That’s why they took our phones away, so we can’t call him out on his bullshit.” [laughter] No, I’m telling you a true story. Y’all don’t yell. It’s true. A woman without a vagina gave birth to a kid. Now… here’s my question. Isn’t that a miracle? That seems like a miracle. Like, if you… People that believe in Jesus, you’re supposed to believe he’s going to come back. But if he’s going to come back, do you think he’d come back looking like Jesus? Wouldn’t that be super obvious? We’d see him coming. We’d see the robe and the beard, like, “Dude, that’s Jesus. Hold my hand.” ♪ Kumbaya my Lord ♪ ♪ Kumbaya ♪ “Oh! Hi, Jesus. We didn’t even know you were coming. This is what we do.” [laughter] Jesus’d be like, “Hmm, I don’t know.” I think if is Jesus is going to return and find out what we’ve really been up to, he’s going to return as the miracle-blowjob knife-fight baby. [laughter] And we’d never even see it coming, ’cause we’re not looking for it. That kid’s got to go to school. Other kids are going to ask questions… right? You remember what childhood was like. Kids are fucking brutal. Everybody’s insecure, so they try to find someone more insecure than them and fuck with ’em. I had a good childhood, but it was weird. And it was weird because my parents split up when I was young, and then my mom lived with my stepdad for a few years before they got married, and we moved a lot. It wasn’t bad, but it was… Kids would ask questions like, “Hey, man, is that your dad?” “No, it’s my mom’s… boyfriend.” “Oh, so it’s a dude who fucks your mom?” [laughter] “Hey, man, I’m eight. [laughter] What about your parents?” “Dude, Dude! My parents have been married since high school. The first time my mom and dad ever had sex, my mom got pregnant with me. Bro… my dad cries a lot. He just cries! He’ll just fall down and start crying. We ignore him now. [laughter] No one cares. Step over him, pass the peas. We don’t give a shit. This poor fucker’s just weeping on the ground. Life isn’t a movie, man. I never saw that in a movie. Life’s not a fucking movie, dude. Life is hard.” “Yeah, man. Yeah, dude, life is hard, dude. It really is. It’s fucking hard. What’s your story, Mutombo?” “Oh, you know! Same old story. Mom ain’t got no vagina. [laughter] Suck a dick, get stabbed. Here I am. [faint laughter] You know, could be worse. Hashtag #blessed.” [laughter] [a few claps] From the humblest of beginnings, he’d be around us as we judged him. Change our ways. We should change our ways. The first thing we gotta do is stop doing this. You know what that is? That’s the symbol of the cross where Jesus was murdered. We got to stop doing this. Start doing this. [laughter] Love… and life. Love and life, brothers and sisters. Don’t get mad at me! You knew why you came here! You get mad. We’re a fucking hour in. If you’re mad now… Jesus Christ! [audience member] Woo! “Your point of view is terrible.” Yeah, it’s how I make a living. [laughter] I say fucked-up shit. You don’t have the time to think up. That’s all it is. Listen. Violence against women isn’t funny. I don’t know why you’re laughing. You guys are assholes. Ass-holes! “Especially in this day and age. -Ooh! [laughter] Oh! Dangerous time. Oh!” My own mom said this to me. She goes… “I just wish that Hillary Clinton was president, because I think it’s about time a woman does the most important job in the world.” Okay. I’m like, “Yeah, but you already make all the people.” [laughter] Like…     [cheers and applause] I’m not saying, ladies, that that’s the only thing you can do. You make all the humans. That’s a big fucking deal. There’s seven billion people on the planet. All of them came out of a woman’s body. If babies came out of dude’s dicks, there’d be six of us. [laughter] An abortion would be an app on your phone. All right? It’d be snowing out, you’d pull your phone out, “Fuck this kid. I’m not shoveling snow and breastfeeding.” How about that, ladies? You make food with your tits! You know how goddamn crazy that is? You make the most nutritious baby food known to man, with your tits, while you’re doing other shit. [laughter] ‘Cause no one’s giving you enough credit for it, because so many of you can do it. That’s the problem. Almost every woman can make people. That’s the problem. If only one lady did it, one giant bitch that lived in the middle of the city… [hysterical laughter] She had a huge, clear abdomen with all our children floating around inside of it. We’d bring her food and blessings. That’s just as weird as a baby coming out of a person. We’re just used to our weird. But if that was the way you did it and someone just said, “I’m making my own people. Look.” You’d be like, “Aah!” [laughter] If people didn’t come out of people and then they started, we would freak the fuck out. We’d be like, “What’s next?” No, the problem with the thing is, when you… childbirth, you have to be in the room to really understand it. It’s not like a thing you watch in a video and go, “Oh, I get it.” You think you get it, but you never get to see the kid unless it’s yours. No one lets you watch. Your friends never let you watch. Even my sister wouldn’t let me watch. I go, “What do you think? I’m gonna get horny and fuck you? Come on! Let me see the kid! I want to see my nephew.” Nobody lets you in. Nobody. It’s got to be your kid. By then it’s too late. ‘Cause you see the kid come out, you’re like, “Oh! Oh, okay.” And then you start thinking, “How often is this happening? This is happening right now all over the world!” But you don’t get to see it. There’s a website you can go to where you can see the actual numbers. You can see every time a baby is registered as being born. There’s like a world population number and that number is like this…. [mock buzzing] It’s just fucking spinning. It’s not sustainable. It’s not like, “Well, we gained a few people, we lost a few people. Keeping a healthy balance here on Earth.” No, it’s just people shooting loads into each other, just fucking… [mock buzzing] Eating food and coming in each other. [groans] You just don’t see it. But if there was a place you could see it, like if there was a giant drive-thru movie screen, and it was every baby coming out of every vagina in real-time all over the world, you’d be like, “It’s a fucking invasion!” You’d be like, “Oh my God, now I get it! The vagina is a portal to another dimension. It’s like a well of souls and they’re coming through with pleasure and love and confusing us! And then they grow up and they do whatever the fuck they want! This is how culture gets shaped! From aliens from another dimension!” Ladies… you do that. [faint laughter] You make people. You make all the people. And you want to be president too? You fucking greedy bitches. Jesus Christ! What else do you want? You want bigger dicks than us? You want all the money? [laughter] If I was a woman, I’d definitely be a feminist. 100%. Men are bigger, they make more money, they always try to fuck you, they lie to you. That’s too many things. [laughter] It’s too many. It’s not balanced. I get it, ladies. You know what I don’t get? Men’s rights activists. Every one I’ve ever met, I want to go, “Dude, we got all the rights. [laughter] We got ’em all.” Fucking relax! The problem is, guys that are clamoring for, “What about men’s rights?” They’re going to pay attention to what we do. This is the thing. If girls start doing an audit of what men do versus what women do, it’s a big fucking difference. Men cause all war. That is somehow or another some weird fact that slipped us by. Can you imagine if women caused all the war? How long would it take before we were like, “Yo, we got to kill these fucking crazy bitches. Dude, I came home, the girls are in the backyard making a plane to fly over the ocean and fuck people up they never met. These bitches are bloodthirsty. They never want to stay put, constantly conquering new ground, stealing people’s oil.” Can you imagine? “What about men’s rights?” Shut the fuck up. Stop. Men cause most of the murder. Men cause most of the rape. A guy stops me. “Actually, here’s a statistic you’re probably not aware of. But men actually get raped more than women.” Yeah, by other men, you fucking dipshit! Jesus Christ! [laughter and applause] You’re making my point for me, you stupid fuck. What did you think was happening? When you heard that number you’re like, “No more investigations needed. Clearly there’s packs of cheerleaders out there raping soldiers. We got to put a stop to it.” [cheers and laughter] No, men are so gross, we fuck each other. [laughter] See, I say that and no one gets mad. No men are like, “Bro, you’re fucking generalizing massively. [laughter] It’s such a douchebag move to just criticize an entire gender.” Men don’t care, ’cause I’m one of you, and you know. Like if I say guys jerk off to basketball games, you’re like, “Some of us. [laughter] For sure.” Right? But if I say anything even remotely critical about women, people will get really mad. Watch. [laughter] Ladies, I love you. You’re some of my favorite people. But let’s be honest, you don’t invent a lot of shit. [laughter] Ooh! Feel that? Yeah! That’s some ride-home arguments in the air. Right? You can feel the tension. “No, you were laughing. It’s not funny. You were fucking laughing! It’s sexist! No, he makes fun of men first so he can make fun of women later, you fucking moron. Oh my God, you don’t even know comedy. You don’t even know what you like. Drop me off. Just fucking drop me off. Just… drop me off.” But you know I’m right. Here’s what’s important about this. When it comes to inventions, we’re talking about inventions. Let’s be really clear. I am a fucking moron. Okay? I’ve never invented shit. And I’m guessing you’re probably pretty dumb too, which is why you’re here listening to me talk. Okay, let’s just be honest. [cheers and applause and whistles] We’re not talking about us. We’re talking about inventors. Okay, it’s not us. Why do we have to be on Team Penis versus Team Vagina on this one? It’s crazy. The men and the women in this room, we have more in common with each other than we do with those fucking freaks out there inventing all the shit we need to make our life awesome. Okay? But those freaks out there inventing shit are almost all dudes. And I don’t know why. But that makes me feel like a winner. [laughter] I feel like I won. I really do. I feel pretty good. And I’m looking around at some of you ladies and you look like losers. You look like you lost. You’re not even in the contest. You’re like, “Hey! [grunts] I don’t like this part.” [grunts again] If you’d your phone you’d be like, “Surely women have invented a bunch of things.” No, they haven’t. I wish they had. Women invented, like, 40 things ever. And it was all shit they needed. [laughter] A woman invented the dishwashing machine. [cheers and applause and laughter] I didn’t even write a joke for that. I’ll let you figure out why you’re laughing. Can’t call me out on a non-existent sexist joke. It’s just a fact. Women invented some very important things, actually. Like, no bullshit, all jokes aside, a woman invented Kevlar, which is the bulletproof material they use for first responder vests. Who knows how many lives were saved because of one woman’s invention? [cheers and applause] But! I bet it was probably a chick who wanted to shoot her husband… [laughter] but she didn’t want him to die, ’cause then she’d have to get a job. She’s like, “Hmm. [cheers and applause] There’s got to be a way to shoot this motherfucker and still sleep in.” Again, I’m a fucking moron! Don’t get mad at me! We’re just talking about inventors. I don’t want to leave any really important women inventors on the list who are all way smarter than me, but, like, one of them was Hedy Lamarr, a gorgeous actress from the 1940s. She invented spread spectrum technology, which is how we use GPS and Wi-Fi today. This one woman did that. But she was hot, no one cared. They were just trying to fuck her. Nobody paid attention to anything smart she said. They had to wait until she died. They’re going through her notes, like, “Fucking Wi-Fi. Hmm.” [laughter] Yeah. ‘Cause we’re gross! I already told you we’re gross. A woman invented the first hypodermic needle. It was one woman’s idea of how to effectively get medication into people. Who knows how many lives she saved? One woman’s idea was computer coding. One woman. She invented the computer code. Without her contribution, who knows? One person. Without this one woman’s contribution, who knows where technology would be today? After that… big drop off. I mean, fucking, like a cliff. The number 11 most impressive invention by a woman is the chocolate chip cookie. Again, I’m a fucking idiot. Way better than anything I’ll invent. But a dude invented the chocolate chip and a dude invented the cookie, and he probably just wanted to go to bed. He was probably like, “You nailed it. You’re an inventor. Goodnight.” She’s got her chef’s hat on. “Write it down. Write it down.” [laughter] I’ll leave you with this ’cause it’s uncomfortable but also true. A man invented the tampon. Let that soak in. Oh! Oh! How’d I do that to you? [laughter and applause] I had to. That’s what you have to say right there. I know. But for real, a tampon is not a good invention. It’s just one of those things that’s been around for a long time, but it’s like a legacy invention. It seems like a male solution to a body part he doesn’t have and a problem he doesn’t understand. Like, “What? What’s going on? Huh? Aah! Just stuff something up there!” [laughter and applause] No woman is ever going to invent a tampon! A woman would have invent a maxi pad. Like, “Hey, hey, stupid. We’re not stuffing anything. We’re just going to take this, put it there, leave it alone. It will be fine.” “Fuck that! We’re gonna make a cotton dick and just stuff it up there. Get in there.” [laughter] “What if it gets stuck?” “I’m going to put a rope on the end of it and yank it out like a fish.” Thank you, Boston! [cheers and applause] I had a great fucking time! I love you, people! [cheering and applause continue] For real, it makes me incredibly happy to be able to do this here. This is where I started. You people are the shit and I love you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Thank you!"
1686241799-127,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,WHITNEY CUMMINGS: I LOVE YOU (2014) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/whitney-cummings-i-love-2014-full-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, from the Barclay Theatre in Irvine, California, please welcome to the stage, Whitney Cummings. Love you. All bitches, come on! Thank you, guys, so much for coming out tonight, man. It’s so good to be doing standup again. I took like a couple of years off. I was making a television show… You didn’t fuckin’ watch it! You did not watch it, no you didn’t. ‘Cause if you had watched it, I wouldn’t fucking be here right now. No. I would be here. This is my favorite thing to do in the world. It is so good to be back doing standup. The last couple years were kind of… interesting. I think the most intense thing that happened to me was I went through a really painful breakup, but I’m glad it happened because actually I learned a lot. I feel like, you know what, I figured out why couples breakup. I think it’s this… I think couples break up because we’re all operating under different definitions of the word love. If you think about it, we say this word to each other, and I think it just makes us raise expectations. You know, I feel like if we were all to just agree on a universal definition of the word love, we’d stop disappointing each other so much, you know? So to me, my definition of love is being willing to die for someone… that you yourself want to kill. Which is kind of confusing… like if someone were to break into my house and hold up a gun to the person I love, I would jump in front of the gun. I’d go, “Wait, no, stop! Let me do it! Dude, I am begging you!” I also think in this culture we express love in a very twisted way. In this culture we show love by giving each other presents… jewelry and trips and stuff… and to me, that’s not what love’s about. That’s too easy, you know. For me love is about the way you treat a person on a daily basis when no one else is around. Little things, you know? Like if you love me, for example, the second sex is over, if I was on top, don’t push me off you… as quickly as possible… If you love me, you will let me dismount with a little fucking dignity. You will let me dismount like the swan that I am. Thank you, sir. Or, if you were on top, by some fucking miracle… don’t use my body as a pushing off point. When you get off, don’t push off my face… to go check your phone. It’s about respect. Love to me is about respect. Little things, you know. If you love me and we’re taking a shower together, don’t pee. Why is that so confusing? Don’t-don’t make me stand in your piss… like a fucking asshole. Use your head. You know, if you love me, you’ll think ahead. Little things like if you love me and you buy me lingerie as a gift, don’t buy me a small top and a medium bottom. Okay? If you love me, you will buy me a large top and a small bottom, and I’ll exchange that shit on my own time. Love is just like don’t be stupid. You know, little things. Like if you love me, let me wake up before you start having sex with me. Can I get some gum? Can you just give me a sec… This isn’t prison. I’m going to say ‘yes’. Have a little faith in yourself, you know?
 I also think that phrase “I love you” is tricky because I think when you’re in a relationship for a long time, it starts to lose its value, you know. It starts to deteriorate. Like when you first say I love you, it’s such a big deal. You know, you’re like “I love you”, but after awhile, you’re just like “Love you!” Then after that, you’re just like, “You, too”, and finally you’re just like “Fuck you!”
 Love is dangerous, you know. It’s a very dangerous thing we do. We give someone else the ability to hurt us. At any moment you could just get your heart broken, have your life ruined just like that, and I think that makes us all a little tense. I think we’re all a little on edge, you know. Love is so insane that when you hear about someone who’s in love who does a terrible thing, you side with them. Like when I hear about a woman who killed her husband, the first thing I think I’m like, well, what the fuck did he do? That poor woman!
 Love makes you think about things you never thought you’d do before, you know? Like getting married. This last relationship I thought I was going to get married. For me, I never thought I was going to get married because I have all this divorce in my family, you know, but I also think that when you get older as a woman, marriage just becomes a little more appealing because marriage is set up for girls as an offer that you just cannot refuse, you know? If someone came up to me on the street randomly and marriage as an institution did not exist, and someone was just like, “Excuse me ma’am. Hi, um, would you be interested in a beautiful diamond ring and a bunch of parties where your friends will buy you whatever the fuck you want?” And then you get to move into somebody else’s house and get on their health insurance plan… And then if they cheat on you, you get half their shit, no questions asked. Would you be interested in that? Yeah, man, yeah, yeah. How do I get all that shit? Well, you just have to have sex with the same man for the rest of your life. Ohhh. You know, fuck it. I have Tylenol PM. Let’s do this shit. Where do I sign up? It’s not that we love you. We just want shit, okay? It’s the same thing with sex. Like we don’t always have sex with you guys because we like want that dick. No! No! Okay? Half the time I have sex with a guy, it’s because it burns calories. I’m like oh, God. I had that lasagna today… I don’t have time to go to the gym, so… I should probably just fuck this guy. But I really go for it, you know. I wear a terrycloth headband and ankle weights. I get in there and… In this last relationship, I was going so insane that I started doing research to try to figure out what goes on chemically in your brain when you’re in love. And I read this book called The Female Brain. Has anyone read this book? Ooh! One… dude? All right, what you got going on over here considering the fact that you’re with a dude? Why would you need that book? I respect that. You just wanted to get a head start, just kind of figure it out. So you’re just here alone? I respect that. You’re not going home alone… that’s for sure. That book’s amazing, right? This book is all about the way women’s brains are wired, and essentially it said that we have like millions of more emotions and hormones and like synapses that connect… basically, it’s a miracle that we’re not crying all the fucking time… which is a bummer because I feel like guys hate that, you know? You know, I feel like guys hate that women are so emotional and sensitive, right? You guys think women are crazy, right? Yes? Okay. All right. You think this is fun for me? You think I would ever choose this for myself? You think I enjoy crying every time Adele is on the radio? That’s embarrassing, okay. You think I enjoy Googling your ex-girlfriend three hours a day? You think I have that kind of time? You think I enjoy trying to guess every one of your security question answers? Oh, shit! What street did he grow up on? It’s weird because that’s all I hear from guys is that women are crazy. Women are so crazy. But I have tons of girlfriends, and I hang out with my girlfriends alone all the time, and when guys aren’t around, women are super cool, rational, logical, but then they start dating some dude, and they lose their mind.
 Women are not crazy… you guys fucking make us that way. Okay? I’m just sayin’, take your passwords off your fucking phones. It’s just weird because I feel like being crazy and sensitive… like that doesn’t have to be a negative thing. I think that’s kind of an asset, you know? I think girls should be paranoid and hypervigilant and emotional because we’re responsible for raising helpless babies. Okay? We can’t think like you guys. We can’t be fucking sociopaths… or else babies would just die… all the time and our species would be extinct. Like if we felt like you guys, we would give birth to a baby, you know, take it home from the hospital if we even went to the hospital… because I don’t need a doctor. Then we would like put it in the sink for a month. Just throw Doritos on it, every now and then spray it with Axe Body Spray… And when we were done with it, we would just like put it on Craig’s List, like, ah, I can get a few bucks for that. I feel like you guys think that we like choose to be crazy, you know? It’s an act of choice. Like I feel like you guys think that we wake up on any given morning and just decide we’re going to have a terrible day. I feel like you guys think we wake up and we’re like oh my God, I’m going to have such a good day today. I’m going to hang out with my boyfriend, we’re going to go hang out, see a movie… you know what? No. I have a better idea. I’m going to wake up, feel fat for two hours… then get mad at my boyfriend because he said good morning in a weird tone… then I’m going to break up with him in my head… I’m not going to tell him we broke up. It’s none of his fucking business whether we’re together or not. Then I’m going to go spend $200 on jeans that don’t fit… then I’m going to go eat cucumbers with barbecue sauce on them… then I’m going to get mad at him again because he suggested we see a Scarlett Johansson movie… what the fuck is that? Then I’m going to go spend two hours online looking at wedding dresses. Not a great day for us, either, you know? I think it’s funny that guys are never called crazy because I feel like guys do things that are like, crazy, you know? But guys are never called crazy. Like, for a guy to get called crazy, he’s got to be like… he’s got to be like naked in an alley jerking off on a dead pigeon… singing bible hymns like “Over the River”… But even then we’re like, oh my God, that guy is homeless. That is so sad. Do you have a dollar? Give him a dollar. But for a girl to get called crazy, we just have to send you two text messages in a row. She’s fucking crazy, man. She’s fucking stalking me, bro. She’s obsessed with me, man. I’m like I don’t know, I’m not crazy. I’m just locked out of the house. Can you let me in the house? I’m not stalking you. I live here. My house. We live together. I’m not obsessed with you. I hate you, so… Guys are never called crazy, but I feel like guys do things that are actually crazy. Like things that would put you in an insane asylum. Like you guys will talk to athletes in the TV. You think they can fucking hear you. That’s literal schizophrenia. That is a mental illness. Like I was watching some of my guy friends a couple of months ago. They were watching a Giants game and they were talking to Eli Manning. They were having a conversation with this person. They were like, Eli, listen to me. Eli, listen to me. We have been through this, bro. I’m like, bitch, you’ve not been through shit with him, man. He cannot hear you, and even if he could hear you, why would he take advice from you? You can’t even get your Heinekens in the fucking garbage can. I feel like you guys watching sports should give you a little more sympathy for us because now you know what it’s like to yell at a man and have him completely ignore you. Every day is Sunday for us. You guys say the meanest things to these athletes, the meanest things. Like they were watching Tom Brady and they were like Tom Brady, you suck. Tom Brady sucks. I don’t know that much about football, but I’m pretty sure Tom Brady doesn’t suck at football. I’m pretty sure you suck. I’m pretty sure all you suck at football. I just wish these athletes would stand up for themselves, you know, against these horrible things you say. I wish just one time Tom Brady would look directly into the camera and be like, “Hey man, fuck you, I got this… “I make 20 million dollars a year “and you can’t even do a fucking sit-up… Get off my dick, man.”
 That’s where you guys get delusional about sports. Like I feel if we get delusional about like relationship stuff, but sports is where you guys kind of lose your mind. Like I have this guy friend who… he carries a football around in his car… like bitch, you’re 50. No one wants to play football with you. Like to him it’s like… like it’s not over yet, you know. Like in his mind he’s going to get a call… Like any minute he’s getting a phone call. If the coach of the Giants doesn’t call him like, “Hey, man. “Eli’s hurt… You still got that football in your car?” I’m trying to kind of take responsibility for my part in being crazy, you know? I’m trying to be more mature in relationships, and I don’t think that it’s just women who are biologically fixed to be crazy… I don’t think that’s it. I think there’s a lot of socialization that messes us up, too. Like I realize I have incredibly high expectations for romance, and I don’t even know where they come from. Like I realized recently when I get off a plane, I fully expect the guy that I’m dating to be waiting for me at the airport, surprising me. What shitty movie did we see… You know what? I actually… I think it was Crocodile Dundee… I swear to God. Remember in the ’90s all those guys were like just rushing to the airport? Because as an adult, today, I will fully get off a plane. I will go on the escalator and I will be like… Fucking asshole. Which is so unfair to you guys, you know? Because if you guys were to actually do that, it would be a complete disaster. If the guy I was dating showed up at the airport when I got off the plane, all tired and sticky and shit, I’d be like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? He’d be like oh, I just, you know, wanted to come surprise you at the airport. I’d be like, you drove to the airport? I drove to the airport. Now we have two cars at the fucking airport! What lot are you in? You’re in lot B? We have to take a bus to your lot? Oh, you piece of shit! That’s crazy, you know, but I think there are a lot of things that contribute to us being a little irritable, you know? I think that part of girls being crazy is the fact that being a female is just so frustrating. Like there’s so much work we have to do, there’s so much maintenance that goes into it, and most of what we do is to make you guys think we’re attractive, so we’re resentful, you know. I feel like by 9 AM we already hate you. Okay? Because of all this shit we have to do from 8 to 9 AM to make you think we’re fuckin’ pretty. Like do you know the kind of shit that goes on in your bathroom, sir? You don’t know. You’re wearing shorts. And what are those… are those Crocs? Oh my God, white people are so embarrassing. Unbelievable! And she… you don’t understand the kind of stuff that goes on in the bathroom. She’s working hard and you’re wearing… your pajamas. This is unbelievable. Do you realize the things that we do? We spray aerosol. We inhale aerosol every day. Okay? Then we put on makeup which is just chemicals and poison… then we put on perfume which is pure alcohol. It’s not that we bitchy… we’re just high… most of the time. Bitches are just lit up everywhere. Have you ever seen a girl put on perfume. She’s like eh, eh, eh… Ah-h-h. Okay, let’s go. Where we going? The torture we put ourselves through… it’s just annoying, you know? Like do you know what eyeliner is, sir? Do you have any idea? A little bit. A little bit, little bit, little bit. Sorry, I can’t stop looking at your scrotum. Unbelievable! Eyeliner… no idea. Just based on the word eye…liner. Zero? Nothing. Zip. Guys don’t even know. Do you have any idea, sir? – I can take a hint. – You can take a hint. Okay, let’s see. You apply it to your eye. See, this is… he’s my worst nightmare. This is my worst nightmare. This is literal guy. This is the guy who in a fight, he just sticks to the facts. To win… he’s the guy who’s like, “No, no, no I didn’t say you were a bitch. I said you were being a bitch.” And you’re like, okay, I got to go regroup… I’ll be right back. Does any guy know how eyeliner is applied? This amazes me. The guy has no idea. With a brush. With a brush… no! That’s another masochistic thing we do. That’s eye shadow… it’s applied with a brush. The point of eye shadow is to make us look like we have black eyes, so why don’t you take a good hard look at yourself and why you think that’s attractive, sickos. I can’t do eye shadow myself. It’s actually difficult to do. I just have to be like baby, can you punch me in the face? I’m going to work. Eyeliner… nothing. This is amazing to me. Eyeliner. What’s that? Do you know how? With a pen? No! What else, what’s close to pen? – A pencil. – Pencil! Doesn’t that sound a little fucking dangerous to anybody else? We’re putting pencils in our eyeballs. Like I think the first thing you learn as a child is do not get a pencil near your eye… until you become an adult woman… in which case we want you to put it inside your eyeball every morning. We know you’re probably going to do it while you’re driving. We don’t care… only way to get a man to like you. I was worried that it was taking some kind of toll on our eyesight, like collectively as women, you know. I feel like putting ink and pencils and dye… this has got to be bad for our vision. You know, sometimes women see shit that’s just not fucking there. I think there’s a correlation. I used to always accuse my ex of checking out hot chicks in front of me. He’d be like what chicks… I don’t see any chicks. I’d be like I don’t know, motherfucker. I don’t have any peripheral vision anymore, from all this eyeliner. I see hot chicks everywhere. So much suffering. There’s so much pain involved in being a girl, you know? I don’t think women are weak. I think women are too strong because we just endure it. We just take it and don’t complain about it, but I do think that it manifests in other ways. Like next time you’re talking to a girl and you think she’s acting like shitty or unreasonable, just remember that she’s got a polyester string in her asshole. Yeah, she’s probably a little stressed out, okay? We’re all a little on edge, and I think that’s probably why. A guy will be like what’s up your ass? I’m like uh-h-h. I can tell you right now, it’s a polyester string I paid $35 for. That I can’t even put in the fucking dryer. Do you have a question? I can’t do a lot of it, you know. I can’t do high heels. I cannot do high heels because I feel like it makes me shitty. I get in a bad mood when I’m wearing high heels, you know. It’s just so weird to me. Some of you guys are here with girls tonight whose feet are bleeding. But you’re not doing anything about it. It’s not even weird… you’re not getting them a Band-Aid, nothing. It’s just accepted that we like limp around, you know. I also don’t like it because I feel like when I do, the guy that I’m with will get mad at me for wearing heels, you know? He’ll go why are you wearing those high-heeled shoes? It’s going to ruin our whole night because you’re going to be complaining the entire time about your feet hurting and I’m going to have to go get the car and pull the car around. Like um, hey bro, I’m wearing heels so that you want to fuck me. Because if I don’t, you’re going to leave me for someone who does. I’ve seen porn, and none of those bitches are wearing Aerosoles. Just go get the car. Like I’m always trying to look good for guys and it’s always backfiring on me, you know? Like when I’m taking too long in the bathroom… you’re taking forever in the bathroom. We’re going to miss our reservation. I’m like I’m sorry… I’m just in here trying to make you think I’m pretty. I’m not in a huge rush to get to the restaurant. It’s not like I can eat anything once we get there anyway. I’m fucking starving to death. I haven’t had bread since ’95, so just be cool, man. Then we get in trouble for that. Why are you always on a diet? You’re always on a diet. I’m on a diet because I’m trying to get the body of the women you jerk off to after I fall asleep. It’s not just that I love lettuce. Okay? I don’t love lettuce. What is the confusion. It’s always something, man. Why are you always cold? Why are you always cold? You’re always cold. I’m cold because I lasered my entire body… so that you would think I’m soft, you fucking pedophile. Unbelievable! Actually, there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know. You know there’s a lot of stuff you guys don’t know and I feel like if you knew about it, you’d be a little less frustrated with us, you know? Like there’s so much stuff you guys don’t know. Like you guys don’t know about the voices. No one told you about that shit, huh? You think it’s bad when our mouths are moving… no, that’s the best case scenario. It’s when our mouths are shut that you need to be concerned. Because that means we’re fucking thinking. That’s when all the problems start. Because I feel like in this culture girls are taught to be so self-critical. You know, we compare ourselves to such an impossible physical ideal that we’re always judging ourselves. You know, I’m so insecure at this point I just have this constant inner monologue saying the meanest shit to me all the time. It’s just like, “Hey, Whitney, “your thighs are touching… “You probably shouldn’t have had that cheese “last night, you fuckin’ pig. “You haven’t gone to the gym yet today… “that’s an interesting choice. “I guess you’re just going to die alone. “Even if a man does marry you, you’re so loud he’s going to leave you for an Asian girl.” Just the meanest stuff, constantly. But I feel like guys don’t have that same insecurity, you know? Obviously. I don’t think guys are self-critical like that. I feel like guys doing a monologue is totally different. I feel like guys doing a monologue are like, “What’s up, bro? “Looking awesome! “Really killing it today, per usual. “Dude, I don’t think you need to shave today… “that weird black hair growing out of your back looks cool. “Dude, do not shave your face. “Fuck your girlfriend and her bloody chin. “Fuck her! “Dude, I’m thinking you should wear “those awesome cargo shorts again today. With socks and sandals.” Must be nice. Must be nice to like yourselves. I feel like I spend so much time trying to figure out what guys are thinking about, you know? That’s like our favorite thing to do as girls, right… ask guys what they’re thinking, you know? “Hey babe, what are you thinking about… ” it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” Like we got to stop doing that. That has never gone well for any girl. Like no girl in the history of time was ever like “Hey babe, what are you thinking about…” And the guy was like, “Well… …I’m glad you asked. “I was just thinking about how young you look “and how much I love monogamy. Can we talk about it?” No, it’s always the same shit, right? “Nothin’.” But, you know what… I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I think guys really do think about fuckin’ nothing. Like I feel like guys drive down the street and this is pretty much what goes on in your mind. Driving down the street just in your car… “Tree. “Tree. Damn, she’s got big tits.” But then that’s pretty much it. Right? If there’s no emotion, it’s just like thing, thing, stuff, thing, thing, stuff, thing.
 But for me to drive down that same street, nightmare. Stress. Memories, emotions, triggering. So much drama. For me to drive down that same street, it’s like, Oh my God, look at that tree. My ex-boyfriend had a tree in his yard. Oh my God! I miss him so much. Oh, look at that tree. That tree’s thinner than me. What the fuck… I hate trees. Well, who’s this bitch with the big tits? And that’s just to get to Rite-Aid. It’s just a saga. You know, I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine. I was explaining this to a guy friend of mine and I was just telling him, you know, that I think that being a girl is just more of a challenge sometimes because we have more to think about, you know. We have to worry about all this superficial stuff… our, you know, nails getting done, our hair, our clothes and matching and purses and stuff. He’s like “Yeah, yeah, but that’s not our fault. “That’s not our fault because women don’t dress for men. Women dress for other women.” Does anyone fuck… I will fight you right now… All of you. Women do not dress for other women. That’s such a ridiculous philosophy. Look, I’ve never been getting ready putting on a miniskirt like yeah, my waitress tonight is going to love this. Like, no, women do not dress for other women and I know this because I have girls’ nights in my house. And when girls are alone and no guys are around, we look like sea creatures. Okay? It looks like a pirate ship crashed into my house. Okay? We all got dreadlocks, we’re wearing slankets around, pajama jeans, all our leg hairs just in corn rows. We have our dicks hanging out. If a girl comes over with makeup on, I’m like, “Bitch, go wash your face. Whose team are you on?” I do think this idea, though, is kind of at the root of the philosophy that people think that women don’t like other women. I think that happens because when we’re super dressed up to impress a guy and we see each other, we avoid each other because we’re so embarrassed of all the pathetic, desperate shit we’re doing to impress a dude. You know, like when I’m super dressed up in a push-up bra and a mini dress and heels and I see a group of girls, I’m not like, “What’s up, bitches? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” No! When I see a group of girls, I’m so humiliated at all the dumb, slutty shit I’m doing, I’m like, “Oh God, hi. “Um… “I know this is bad. “It’s just that he’s really shallow and um, “I’m in my 30’s now, so I’ve got to make a move, “you know what I mean… and he’s got a 401k… you get it.” I don’t like that idea that women don’t like other women. I don’t think that’s true. I just think that women support other women when it really counts. You know, we come in and have each other’s back when it really counts… like when we go to the bathroom together. You want to know what’s going on in there? There’s one girl having a bad night, a bunch of bitches who have never met each other in their lives are like soldiers at war, nursing each other’s wounds. One girl is on the floor… I’m like, all right, pull those Spanx up. Somebody get a Band-Aid for that blister. Someone… her eyebrow just melted off… gotta get a Sharpie to draw that shit back on. All right, someone get some Super Glue for those eye lashes. Her hair extensions just fell out… someone get a stapler to staple that horsehair back on her head. Now, bitch, you wipe the tears off your tits and you listen to me right now. You’re going to go back out there, put a smile on your face and pretend he’s interesting. Go! Thank you! I don’t like that at all. I think when women are nasty with other women, it’s much more subtle, like it’s much more insidious, you know. Like I have this girlfriend, every time I see her, she’d be like, “Hey, hooker. ‘s up, slut?” Which that’s never going to feel good, you know? But to me it’s just a reminder that I think we need to stop using the word hooker as a pejorative term. I have a lot of respect for hookers. I think they work very hard and they do a lot of the jobs that we don’t want to fucking do. They are cleaning up a lot of messes out there. They are American heroes. I also think hookers look at us like we’re the idiots, you know? They look at us and they’re like, “Those bitches are having sex for free? What a bunch of fuckin’ whores.” So silly. I don’t know, man. I feel like when I was trying to figure out what guys were thinking about, I came across some stuff that was just too discouraging, you know. Like I came across an article that said that guys think about sex at least every five minutes. Was that like disturbing, right? Like you guys are responsible for like really important shit like wars and bombs, and you guys can’t focus for five fucking minutes… Like important men are thinking about sex every five minutes which is like Barack Obama thinks about sex every five minutes which probably explains why he’s always stuttering during his fucking speeches. It’s like, dude, get your shit together, man, you know? But you’ll see it happen. You’ll see him giving a speech and you’ll see that five-minute mark hit. You’ll see sex enter his mind. He’ll be like, “We’re going to go into Afghanistan “and we’re going to discuss the… “um, we’re going to, “ah, we’re going to get on the, uh, Dude, I just saw that, man. You were just thinking about titties… Afghan titties. I saw it happen.
 It’s just concerning to me. I feel like there are a lot of jobs where you guys probably need to focus, right? Like heart surgeons think about sex every five minutes and heart surgeries are like five hours long, so that’s like 60 times. Like you know heart surgeons are just sitting there looking at an open heart like yeah, I’d put my dick in that. I said it.
 It’s kind of weird, though, that guys think about sex. Like we’ve accepted it so much as a society now. You know, it’s so institutionalized. We’ve embraced it, you know. Like there’s just a restaurant called Hooters… that’s just a restaurant. Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that for women, you know, called like Dongs. Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant. Nobody would ever eat there. We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex… I gotta be honest. It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon. No. No. So it’s like some weird shitake mushroom coming out… It’s always going up like a snorkel. Like why is it up? Get it down there! It’s always like on one side, all mis… why is it so misallocated? Disgusting.
 Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that for women where the waiters were dressed up to arouse the women eating there, they would not be in Speedos, okay? They’d be wearing suits, carrying briefcases, holding up their perfect credit reports. Like I feel like girls don’t need like sex while we’re doing our jobs, you know. Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah. Just put that butter on the pan, girl. Just get it in the roast. I just realized I don’t know anything about cooking. Did you see the wheels just turning there? Like it wasn’t even clo… Roast? No one does a roast anymore. I’m going to work on that. You guys just need sex all the time. Like in completely nonsexual situations, guys need sex, you know. Like sports, perfect example. Football. You guys are watching football and you’ve got these amazing athletes on the field doing amazing things, incredible. They’re flying, they’re doing phenomenal things. Not enough for you. You still need whores around the perimeter… of the field. God forbid there’d be two seconds without a tit in the background of something you’re watching. Cheerleaders crack me up, man. So funny to me because that’s so obviously a guy’s idea, you know. Like a guy obviously thought of that because the cheerleaders still cheer even when their team is fucking losing… they cheer. No real women would ever act like that. If her man was out on the field for five hours on a Sunday bombing, she wouldn’t be like go, baby, go, go. She’d be like Jason, we’re leaving. First of all, you’re embarrassing me, okay? Second of all, I’m freezing cold, I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes. Wrap it up. I think I figured out why guys like sex more. I think it’s biological. I think it’s because sex is so much better for guys. You know, it’s so much easier. Like for a guy… sex is better for guys because it’s so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm. You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm, it’s just like… it’s like you just… Pretty much all that has to happen is you just have to kind of walk into something or… There has to be like a drizzle out, you know. Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men’s orgasms to three basic categories. Like there’s three basic ones… The first one is like you just got shot in the back with an arrow… The second one is like you’re puking… And the third one is a rare one, but it’s for the guys that are like secretly psychos and they hate women and it’ll come out like right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere. They’ll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah. Shut up, you dumb whore! I’m like, oh no! I thought we were in love.
 You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard… it is so hard to have an orgasm. It’s… I cannot wait to have one. I hear they’re great. I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm, you’ve got to be like… you’ve got to be like focused. You have to be like emotionally connected. You’ve got to be relaxed. You’ve got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder because you guys watch porn and you think that the porn stars are having orgasms, but they’re all faking it and they make it look so fucking easy. Like porn stars will be just like’ “Ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m coming.” That’s nothing. That’s she’s coming down from a meth binge. Nothing’s happening to her. I can’t compete with that, you know.
 Like if your girl is having an orgasm, she’s not going ooh, I’m coming, I’m coming. If your girl is having an orgasm, she’s going’ “Do not fucking move!” I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Bastard! Slower. Tell me you love me… you better fucking mean it this time! Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit! Pull my hair, not the extensions! Shut up, you dumb whore!
 Seriously, for me to have an orgasm, like my right leg has to be behind my left shoulder… Like you’ve got a charleyhorse in your ass, you know. You got those crazy bloodshot eyes going, veins in our foreheads. Our foreheads look like your dicks… just veins…
 I know it’s not easy for you guys, either. Now you guys have to like do so much work. You guys have to hit the same spot like 500 times, you know. That’s why I like to be helpful during sex, you know. That’s why I treat sex like the game “Operation”. If the guy misses, I’m just like… I used to be very against porn, you know. I thought it was bad for women and like degrading and shit, but now I kind of like it. Uh, because you know why… because I watched it, and when I watched it, I learned so much stuff that I had to be kind of grateful for it. I learned watching porn that the girls in porn they’ll request to the man where they want him to finish which I didn’t know that was an option. See, nobody told me that we had a vote in that. I’ve just been taking whatever shots have been coming at me… since 1998… I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been storming the shores of Normandy… That’s a history joke. I don’t know. Now that I know that’s an option… to request where you’d want the man to finish… I’m I’m ready. Now I’ve got some ideas. Maybe like, yeah, I really want you to come… In the bathroom? You just want to time that out… whatever you’ve got to do to just… In the sink! I like the big one, though.
 The big one in porn is the coming on the face. That’s the big one, right? Yeah. Let’s talk about it. Like I really think that as a society we kind of need to discuss why we like this so much, you know, and why you guys think that we like love it. Like who told you that we like need it? No, nobody ever wants this to happen to them. If a girl asks you to come on her face, it’s because she thinks you’re going to breakup with her. Always buys you at least another month or so. My problem with it is like the second it’s over. You know, I try to be fun. You know while it’s happening I can get into it, you know, because while it’s happening you can be like yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh, yeah. Look at us. Yeah, hit me, hit me. Yeah, ooh, yeah. We are so crazy. We are wild and crazy… Can I get like a towel or something? Or maybe like a baby wipe or some… or maybe like a pick ax because now it’s turned to stone. I can’t open my fucking eyes. He’s not going to help you. He’s too busy taking photos to send his friends. You guys are animals. But I get why guys watch porn. I get it now because it’s so obvious. It’s just that naked women are hot. All naked women are hot. You know, there’s so much to look at, yeah. It’s disgusting of you. You’re with a date, man. That’s going to be a fight. But, right? All boobs and butts… they all look amazing, you know? That’s why you guys watch porn. Girls don’t watch porn as much because naked guys… uck! Such a bummer, you know. It’s just such a… this whole Wes Craven situation you got going on… it’s just disgusting, you know. It’s a lot… it’s a lot to take. Because like when a dick comes on the screen, we’re not like yeah, “Look at that dick. Yeah, I want that dick.” No. When a dick comes on the screen, we’re like, “Oh, there’s a dick. “What’s it doing? “What’s the dick doing? Does it see me? Does the dick see me?” Like there’s just nothing attractive about it, you know. Like dicks are so ugly… that the second you guys are born, someone has to cut some of it off. To make it even somewhat presentable to society. You guys love your dicks though, man, you love them. You’re going yeah! Dicks! You guys walk around, you lead with it. Lead with it, just walking around, just letting it go. Yeah, just loving my dick. You know when you guys are alone, you’re just like… You guys walk around so proud of it. You guys walk around like you got a first place trophy in-between your legs. I got news for you… it doesn’t look like a first place trophy. Looks like an old yam. Have you seen it? Have you… you know what… no, you haven’t seen it because your hand is always on it. You’ve never actually seen it before. Always touchin’ it. Always touchin’ it, touchin’ it, touchin’ it. What do you… what are you do… Are you cleaning it off, like are you trying to get three wishes out of it? Leave it alone. Just let it just dry off.
 You know what that means, right? You’re always touching your dicks. You know what that means… you got dick on your hands… all of you. You have dick, dick, dick, dick, dicking hands. All of you. You see guys know that. Guys are in on it. That’s why guys are always giving each other the fist pump. They know, you know. Did you ever see two guys walk towards each other? Like hey man, what’s up, man? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ve been touching my dick today, too, man. Yeah, we both got dicks. We got dicks. Like that’s like your whole day. Just like eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. That’s the trick. That is the trick of dating is that when you get back out there, you’ve got to see all these new dicks, you know? I know, it’s a lot. Like when you live with someone for a while or you’re married, you get used to their dick, you know? It’s like it grows on you. It’s like a basset hound… like it’s ugly but it’s yours. You know. It’ll come over and like hey, what are you doing? You’re like hi, dick, what’s u-up? Do you want to hang out? No, not really. But when you’re single, man, you’ve got to see all these new dicks. You know, you’ve got to, you’ve got to really get in there, you know. But the problem is when you see a new dick because every new dick is a whole new set of WebMD searches. You know. You’ve got to inspect the new ones. You’ve got to make sure everything’s legit. You’ve got to make sure everything’s, you know, safe. You know, but the problem is when you get that close to a dick, you’re that close to a dick. You know what happens when you’re that close to a dick. Yeah. You’ve got to put that thing in your mouth. And it’s not because we want to… it’s because something happens when a woman’s face is within like a foot of a man’s dick where a hand will come down… And you can’t get out… it moves with you. Oh shit! Fine! That is so rude!
 Man, I don’t mean to be mean about it… I just feel like you guys don’t see it from our perspective, you know. You don’t see what we see. You know, we’ve got to see this super weird transformation happen that is so creepy, you know. Here’s the thing… anything that changes in shape, size, and color without your permission is a little fucking weird. You know. Like from our point of view, it is terrifying. Like this is what it looks like from our point of view, just so you guys know. Okay, it’ll start out just hanging, chilling. You’re touchin’ it, touchin’ it. Then you’re like… it’ll hear like a noise or… Um? “Would you like to play?” I love you guys. Thank you so much for coming down for the show, everybody. Thank you. I just want to say I really appreciate you guys coming out. Standup is my favorite thing to do in the world and I do it for you guys. So, thank you so much for supporting me. I love you very much. Bye, everybody."
1686242410-281,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,George Carlin: Dumb Americans (2006) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-dumb-americans-transcript/,"From Life Is Worth Losing
 Recorded on November 5, 2005, Beacon Theater, New York City, New York “It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it”.  People are fucking nuts. This country is full of nitwits and assholes. Do you ever notice that? Oh, my goodness, yes. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Nitwits, assholes, fuck ups, scumbags, jerk offs and dipshits. And they all vote. They all vote, yeah. In fact, sometimes you get the impression They’re the only ones who vote. You can usually tell who’s been doing the voting by looking at the fucking election returns. Man, it sure ain’t me out there wasting my time with a meaningless activity like that. You know those people on the “Jerry Springer Show”, those are the average Americans. Oh, yeah, believe me. Below average can’t get on the show. Can’t get on. Below average is sitting home watching that shit on TV, getting ready to out and vote, filling out their sample ballot. People are fucking dumb. You can say what you want about this country, and I love this place. I love the freedoms we used to have. I love it. I love that. I love it when it didn’t take a fucking catastrophe to get us to care for one another. I love the fact that we’re on camera all the time from all angles. But, you know, you can say what you want about America. And I say I love this place. I wouldn’t have it any other way, wouldn’t live in any other time in history in any other place. But say what you want about America. Land of the free, home of the brave. We’ve got some dumb-ass motherfuckers floating around this country. Dumb-ass motherfuckers, you know. Now, obviously that doesn’t include this audience. I understand that. You seem intelligent and perceptive but the rest of them, holy jumping fucking shit balls. Dumber than a second coat of paint. Now, this ain’t just ranting and raving. This ain’t just blowing off steam. I got a little evidence to support my claim. It just seems to me seems to me, that only a really low IQ population could have taken this beautiful continent, this magnificent American landscape that we inherited… Well, actually, we stole it from the Mexicans and the Indians but. Hey, it was nice when we stole it. It looked pretty good. It was pristine. Paradise. Have you seen it lately? Have you taken a good look at it lately? It’s fucking embarrassing. Only a nation of unenlightened half-wits could have taken this beautiful place and turned it into what it is today, a shopping mall. A big, fucking shopping mall. You know that. That’s all you got. That’s all you got here, folks. Mile after mile of mall after mall. Many, many malls. Major malls and mini malls. They put the mini malls in between the major malls. And in between the mini malls they put the mini marts. And in between the mini marts. You’ve got the car lots, gas stations, muffler shops, Laundromats, cheap hotels, fast food joints, strip clubs and dirty bookstores. America the beautiful. One big transcontinental commercial cesspool. And how do the people feel about all this? How do the people feel about living in a coast-to-coast shopping mall? Well, they think it’s JUST FUCKING DANDY! They think it is as cool as can be. Because Americans love the mall. They love the mall. That’s where they get to satisfy their two most prominent addictions at the same time. Shopping and eating. Millions of semiconscious Americans day after day shuffling through the malls shopping and eating. Especially eating. Americans love to eat. They are fatally attracted to the slow death of fast food. Hot dogs, corn dogs, triple bacon cheeseburgers, deep-fried butter dipped in pork fat and cheesewhiz, mayonnaise-soaked barbecue, mozzarella patty melts. America will eat anything. Anything. Anything. Shit,if you were selling sautéed raccoons assholes on a stick, Americans would buy them and eat them. Especially if you dipped them in butter and put a little salsa on them. This country is big-time pig time. Forget the bald eagle. You know what the national emblem of this country ought to be? A big bowl of macaroni and cheese. A BIG BOWL. Because everything in this country is king size. King size, extra large and SUPER JUMBO. Especially the fucking people! Have you seen some of the people in this country? Have you taken a good look at some of these big, fat motherfuckers walking around? Big, fat motherfuckers. Oh, my God. Huge piles of redundant protoplasm lumbering through the malls like a fleet of interstate buses. The people in this country are immense. Massive bellies. Monstrous thighs and big, fat fucking asses. And if you stand there for a minute and you look at one of them, you’ll look at one of them and you begin to wonder, How does this woman take a shit? How does she shit? And even more frightening, How does she wipe her ass? Can she even locate her asshole? She must require assistance. Are paramedics trained in this field? And standing right next to her. Of course. With a plate full of nachos and a mouthful of pie is her clueless fucking husband Joe Six Pack. With his monstrous swollen beer belly hanging dangerously out over his belt buckle. This guy ain’t seen his dick since the Nixon administration. And if you stand there and you look at the two of them. You begin to wonder to yourself, Do these people fuck? Is this man actually capable of fucking this woman? It doesn’t seem structurally possible that these two people could achieve penetration. Maybe they’re in that “Cirque du Soleil” or something. I’m telling you the people in this country – every one of them – is 50 pounds overweight. They are GARGANTUAN. And in the summertime – God help us – in the summertime they will all want to wear short pants. Jesus Lord, Protector of All That is Good and Holy, deliver us from fat people in short pants. They all got short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Short pants, big bellies, fat thighs and dumb kids. Every one of them has got two dumbass kids with them. And the whole family is wearing T-shirts, and every one of them has got the same T-shirt… “I’m with stupid.” Apparently in this country, the Stupids are an extended family. And besides wearing them T-shirts. Everyone in the family has got on a backpack. They got a backpack strapped to their back so they can carry around lots of stupid shit. And the reason they got to carry their stupid shit strapped to their backs is because their hands must remain free at all times to hold food. And to get that food up to the mouth where it gets shoveled in with all the rest of the disgusting shit they ate that day. And… Another reason for the backpacks is these people are going to buy even more stupid shit. They ain’t got enough stupid shit at home. They just had a stupid shit sale, they’re gonna buy more. They’re going to go out in the parking lot and stuff this stuff into the big, fat, ugly, oversized SUV that’s got plenty of room in it. Plenty of room in it for stupid shit and lots of room left over for these big, fat, ugly motherfuckers to get them home. Stopping on the way, of course, for jelly roll and fried dough. These people, these people are efficient, professional, compulsive consumers. It’s their civic duty. Consumption. It’s the new national pastime. Fuck baseball. It’s consumption. The only true lasting American value that’s left. Buying things. Buying things. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need. MONEY THEY DON’T HAVE ON THINGS THEY DON’T NEED. So they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost 12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway! Not too bright, folks. Not too fucking bright. But if you talk to one of them about this. If you isolate one of them, you sit them down rationally, and you talk to them about the low IQ’s and the dumb behavior and the bad decisions. Right away they start talking about education. That’s the big answer to everything. Education. They say “We need more money for education. We need more books. More teachers. More classrooms. More schools. We need more testing for the kids”. You say to them, “Well, you know, we’ve tried all of that and the kids still can’t pass the tests”. They say, “Don’t you worry about that. We’re going to lower the passing grades”. And that’s what they do in a lot of these schools now. They lower the passing grades so more kids can pass. More kids pass, the school looks good, everybody’s happy, the IQ of the country slips another two or three points and pretty soon all you’ll need to get into college is a fucking pencil. Got a pencil? Get the fuck in there, it’s physics. Then everyone wonders why 17 other countries graduate more scientists than we do. “EDUCAATION”. Politicians know that word. They USE it on you. Politicians have traditionally hidden behind three things, the flag, the Bible and children. “No child left behind. No child left behind.” Oh, really? Well, it wasn’t long ago you were talking about giving kids a head start. Head start. Left behind. Someone is losing fucking ground here. But there’s a reason. There’s a reason. There’s a reason for this. There’s a reason that education sucks. And it’s the same reason that it will never ever. Ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better. Don’t look for it. Be happy with what you got. BECAUSE THE OWNERS OF THIS COUNTRY DON’T WANT THAT. I’m talking about the real owners now. The real owners. The big, wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians… they’re irrelevant. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE. YOU HAVE OWNERS. THEY OWN YOU. THEY OWN *EVERYTHING*! They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, and city halls. They got the judges in their back pocket. And they own all the big media companies so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear! THEY’VE GOT YOU BY THE BALLS! They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying, lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed. Well educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interest. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting fucked by a system that threw them overboard 30 fucking years ago. They don’t want that. You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits. The end of overtime and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now, they’re coming for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fucking retirement money. They want it back! So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street! And you know something, they’ll get it… they’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later… because they own this fucking place! It’s a BIG CLUB…AND YOU AIN’T IN IT! You and I are not in the big club! By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long beating you over the head. And their media telling you what to believe, what to think and what to buy… The table is tilted. Folks. The game is rigged and nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. Good. Honest. Hard- working people. White collar. Blue collar. It doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good, honest, hard-working people continue… these are people of modest means. Continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don’t give a fuck about them. THEY DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU! THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU. AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL! Yeah. You know. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care. That’s what the owners count on. The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth… It’s called the American dream. Because you have to be asleep to believe it."
1686242938-408,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Iliza Shlesinger: Hot Forever (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/iliza-shlesinger-hot-forever-transcript/,"[upbeat music playing] [crowd cheering] Cleveland, Ohio! Thank you! Thank you so much. This is so great. This is so nice to be here with you in public. We’re not stuck at home doing this for ten likes. Ah, that’s right, you danced. You know you did. It was a real blight on American history. No one wants to talk about how they danced, but people danced. They’re like, “If I do it enough, it’s my key to financial freedom.” “I don’t need to read a book.” “I’ll just do this for ten likes. I hope it works out for me.” No! You were never gonna make money dancing on TikTok. You want to know why? Because you’re ugly. It’s only for, like, 22-year-old smokin’ hot girls. They’re like, “It’s a skill,” and dude’s finger going now. “Oh, good job, Chloe.” Yeah. It was never gonna be your financial future. We got a whole microgeneration of kids now going for job interviews at, like, Bank of America. “It says here under ‘special skills, ‘ ‘Look up at Travis.'” He’s… Nothing? The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok, okay? There is no music in real life, there is no editing. The dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, that would be very weird for you if you saw one of those dances in the wild. You’re out at a bar and look over on the dance floor and you see a girl just… You’d be like, “Oh, no. Hope she gets home okay.” The dances on TikTok were never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Let’s put this into some scene work. Before we get in the scene work, I just want to acknowledge this is my sixth Netflix special, and I built a career… [cheering] Good night. I’ve built a career the last five specials talking to people in general, but I always want girls to feel good, to know that I’m on their side. Yeah, I want you to do well. Yeah. But, boys, that doesn’t mean I’m not on your side. I’m on no one’s side. I want everyone to do well. And, boys, I want you to have the information and the wisdom nuggets that girls have, because I believe you are half the problem. So come along, let me teach you. It occurs to me now, I’m 39. I’m an elder millennial. I’m a mother. I have information. I remember dating, why waste all this information? So, this is for the young men in the crowd. We’re talking 30, younger, okay? The rest of you boys will die set in your ways, okay? For the young one. And the older guys are fine, they’re like, “Yeah, come and take it.” Okay. The younger ones, give me your squishy brains and let me help you, okay? Let me give you some pearls of wisdom to make it easier with the girls. So, the dancing on TikTok was never sexy independent of the app of TikTok. Gentlemen, let’s say you get a girl to go home with you. You get a girl to go back to your apartment by the grace of God, and you bring her back. You should know, boys, first of all, you get naked so fast. You’re like, “Do you wanna have sex?” The girl agrees, you sign the contract. It’s all good, NDA, done. She has barely even said, like, “Okay,” and you’re like, “You ready?” It’s like, “Is this America’s Got Talent?” Like, quick change, naked. Uh-oh. Is that made of Velcro? You get naked so fast, and then it’s uncomfortable because we’re sitting there as women, like, barely taking off our overalls. Like, “Oh, my God,” and you are naked, trying to make us comfortable, like, “Did you want a snack?” or… “You want soup?” “I have a cup of soup in the car.” While we appreciate that, you should know that’s uncomfortable because there’s us, half-naked in the corner, nervous. You are hovering over us, naked, trying to give us food. It feels like we’ve been kidnapped. “I promise you’re gonna like it here.” Okay. Getting naked should be a seductive dance, a back and forth. I take off my blouse, you take off your blouse. I wonder why he’s wearing a blouse, whatever. Back and forth. Instead, girls get nervous. Like, “Oh, don’t look.” “I know you’re going to be inside me soon, but don’t look at me naked.” He doesn’t care. “But I didn’t shave here.” He will rip it out with his teeth, he doesn’t fuckin’ care. Have some confidence. Men have Sasquatch bodies, and they’re like, “Isn’t it perfection?” And we’re… sculpted like, “I’m hideous! Oh, I didn’t shave my legs!” He doesn’t even know you have legs! He loves ya. Now you’re going to get in bed. Gentlemen, this is important. The way in which one gets into the bed, okay? ‘Tis a dance. When you prepare the bed, it should require multiple gestures of pulling back multiple sheetsss. Ssss! [whooshing] Sheet, top sheet, duvet, duvet cover, comforter, nano-blanket, teddy bear. Multiple. It’s a workout, not you grabbing a crusty sleeping bag, like, “Get it over.” “Who sprayed this down with Febreze? This is normally in the duck blind.” Ohio likes that one. “Yeah, we go huntin’.” And then the way you get into the bed, boys. This is paramount, okay? When you get in bed, it should be a simple motion, it’s just… [whoosh] …and then it’s… [pop] …and then one leg and then the other, okay? Now, what I’m about to paint for you is a memory that a lot of women have suppressed, and I’m gonna say it, and you’re gonna be like, “Oh, my God, Tom!” Like it’s… Boys, you get so excited that we’re gonna have sex. The girl’s trying to go to the bathroom, the guy’s like, “I’ll meet you in bed.” And then we see you hop into bed. Never. Don’t get giddy, okay? This is a serious sexual experience. I don’t want to see, “I’m Peter Pan!” We never want to see… “Yippity-skippity!” We never want to see you fawnlike, like, “Oh, I’m dainty,” in the bed, okay? In my life, I’ve never been naked and had both feet leave the ground. Do you know how big that spider would have to be for me to just forget about physics? That spider would have to have a gun. Like, “Dance!” No! And now I’m going to say this. This is indelicate, but it bears being said. Gentlemen, when you “yippy-skippy” into the bed, you know, you’ve got to clear the mattress so the human body naturally rounds, your spine naturally rounds, and you hunch over to dive in, and I’m just gonna say it, “We can see your butthole.” Don’t want to see that. That’s not nice, okay? I just ruined so many rides home tonight. “Did you see my butthole?” “Susan, did you see my asshole? I need to know!” Don’t make us see that. That’s a lot to reckon with, okay? As it is, we’re fine with your body. We don’t want to see… It’s too intimate. We don’t even know how much we like you. We don’t even know if we’re going to be together. We already know the sex will most likely be mediocre for the girl. And then if she accidentally gets pregnant, depending on the state, she will be forced to carry that child to term. [cheering and applause] Just so we’re clear and it’s on record, fiercely pro-choice. There is no other way to be, and if you want to… [cheering] Oh, yeah. I hope this goes around the world. And if you, for whatever reason your heart desires, you want to keep your baby, that is fine, I want you to keep your baby. Just don’t make that choice for other women, okay? Okay. Okay. Back to the butthole jokes. So… He’s in bed. He buttholed, he daintied. He’s in the bed, the girl’s in the bathroom. The premise of this joke, gentlemen, is TikTok dances are not sexual independent of the app of TikTok. The dances are not sexy. It would be weird for you boys. You’re in your weird bed, and the girl comes out and she’s fully naked, and she’s just like… He’s like, “You look good. Why don’t you get in bed?” “Oh, I’m going to.” “But first… I’m going to seduce you… …with a dance from TikTok!” Remember, there’s no music. There are no filters. Just you guttural breathing to an eight-count, like, “One, two, three, four!” Tits swinging like an orangutan. The 20-year-olds are like, “Those aren’t the dances.” Every guy in here is like, “I mean… not not hot.” “You are a woman breathing in my apartment, so… wouldn’t kick you out of bed, just wondered how long you were gonna stay.” So I do have a little girl, and I love her more than life itself. One of the weird parts about being pregnant are the mental hurdles. One of them is that you have to accept that you’re going to gain weight, which, if you’re a woman, you’ve been taught that’s an unforgivable sin, right? Whatever weight you were at 12, you’ve got to spend your life trying to get back to that. You’re gonna gain weight, you’re gonna need new clothes. I didn’t buy maternity clothes, I just wore leggings and T-shirts, but you got to get new underwear, new big-girl underwear, that’s right. And you’ve got to get a new bra. And I will tell you what, that was mentally very difficult. Because a woman’s relationship with her bra, particularly the ugly one, is sacred, all right? Every girl has an ugly bra. That’s right, every girl. I believe it’s what unifies every woman on this planet. We all got an ugly bra, and the bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. That’s right. Every girl’s got an ugly bra. It’s the longest relationship you’ve ever been in. She is battle worn. Every man in this crowd is like, “I seen that bra.” I woke up the other night, bra was looking at me like, “Get out of here, motherfucker!” People don’t understand our connection to ugly bra. Like, “Why don’t you get rid of her? She’s so ugly.” And we’re like, “‘Cause she does me right and she’s a hard worker.” “She’s loyal.” The bigger your boobs are, the uglier that bra is. There’s some truth for you, yeah. If you’re working with anything over a C cup, I got you. I know that pain, I know how hideous our bras are, okay? So you are my people. Anything… and I know. People are like, “You’ve got big boobs, is that hard?” It fuckin’ is, okay? They gaslight you, that’s right. There’s where all the big tits are, yeah. The world wants you to have giant knockers, and then when you do, they give you no infrastructure to support them. All we want are cute bras. Instead they’re like, “Here’s a Soviet era wind sock.” “Just strap it on and help plow.” “Just do it.” You never got to wear the cute bras. Remember when you were a teenager? By the way, if you have smaller breasts, an A cup or a B cup, this is size-inclusive, but you don’t know! You don’t know what it was like being friends with you, and your girlfriends are like, “Let’s go to the mall.” Remember malls? And you go and they say, “Let’s go get cute bras at Abercrombie.” Remember Abercrombie? And you’d go with them, and they’re running forward, and you’re carrying around your grown woman divorcée chest. Like, “Wait for me!” “Can’t run, I’m not wearing two sports bras, I’m coming.” They’re all trying on cute bras, playing slap tickle. You’re just sitting there eating a slice from Sbarro. Like… “My mom’s getting me at two. I’ll just be here.” They’d have the cutest bras. I always wanted the cute bras. None for you. They’d come out cute. “Look at this one, it’s made of moose felt. Mmm.” “Mm. So bucolic. Look at this one, it’s got hearts on it.” “This one’s got little kisses on it.” “I’m a child. Isn’t it so cute?” “Aww! This one’s got feathers.” “This one’s just two contact lenses and dental floss.” “Bouncy.” Not me! Not me and every other big-breasted girl. We were getting hauled into some back-alley discount van where some Eastern European woman named Loretta is gonna hand-fit you, scoop each breast into its own personal hurt locker and jiggle your tits around in front of your mother! Just sitting there. You’ve never even made out with a boy. She’s just grabbing at you like, “How does this feel?” You’re like, “I’m kind of turned on. I don’t know!” Ugly bra comes in one color. And I can only describe it as like a gray beige. Like, if clammy were a color. Like, I don’t know whose skin tone they’re matching, but it’s offensive. Who looks like that? It’s like a drowned Caucasian. It’s just… no life to it. And sometimes, to put lipstick on that pig, they’ll take a thread of the same pukey color and they’ll sew in a floral scape, like, “Oh, thank you.” “Yeah, someone brought me flowers. Thank you.” “Oh, a rose, but the death of my self-esteem.” “Thank you so much.” Sometimes to gussy it up, they’ll put a little gold coin here. Who is that for? The guy’s already pumped to be there. What guy takes off her shirt, he’s like, “Jackpot, yeah”? “Ch-ching!” “Oh, El Dorado. I have riches for my lifetime.” I got one ugly bra that had a ruby, a ruby, right here. What the fuck, am I a troll doll? Why? Ugly bra comes in that one color. I think the part that adds insult to injury are the thick straps. “Thick-ass strap.” No girl wants that. No girl wants thick straps. As you get older or if you’re pregnant, you want the support, but when you’re younger, you don’t fuckin’ want that. I want a licorice whip, that’s it, tiny. Just a… [blows] …whisper of… You don’t want the thick straps, and you know what? You look at any magazine, any fashion shoot, and in movies, there’s all these girls with huge boobs and they Photoshop out the straps. They don’t want you to see that fuckin’ harness holding it all up. They know no one wants to see a model with a backstrap of bacon. They know… Girls in movies, the ingenue, she’s got big boobs and she’s running, and it’s always like a tank top, and the tank top’s always falling, right? We like our women half-dressed and distressed. Just like, “Oh, my God, I dropped everything.” “I’m such a klutz. Oops. Tank top fall. Mm.” “Ooh, it’s a clove cigarette, I’m complex. How am I gonna…” And then the bra strap falls down. “Mm, I’m a riddle.” “Oh! I work at a café one day a week.” In my life, my bra strap has never fallen down. This thing clocks in for a union job at 9 a.m. Works a 12-hour shift as a tension bridge. It’s not fallen down, okay? If my bra strap fell down, the next thing you’d hear is like, “Oh, fuck!” “I’m taking my things and I’m leaving, thank you.” You never see a hot girl, tank top strap falls down, and there’s just a seat belt. You never see it. Why those straps got to be so thick? In case I need to, what, pull an apple cart to market? I toured Europe and did that joke in Hungary, and they were like, [Hungarian accent] “Yes, woman needs to help.” The hooks are also a nightmare. Multiple hooks, okay? Anything over three hooks is not a bra, it is an ADT interlocking security approach. [imitating static] [robotically] “Enter passcode.” Nobody wants all those hooks. No girl wants multiple hooks, because after three hooks, it’s not even a bra, it’s a brassiere, and it’s a full approach. Every girl wants a bralette, that’s what every girl wants. The cute, like, fart of a bra, that’s what you want. Boys, I know, I’ve lost you. You’re like, “What the fuck is a bralette”? “Why is she speaking French?” I got you. A bralette is a butterfly burp of an undergarment. It’s not even a bra, it’s just two hummingbirds, one under each nipple. Just two cat whiskers holding the back together. It’s… [blows] …bralette! That’s what that is. Multiple hooks are a nightmare. You could hurt yourself. Why is it that the hardest thing in the world to do is when you get out of the shower and your skin is damp and you connect the hooks here… Help! Shredding your clavicle. “So, why are you in hospice care?” “Well, I pulled a back muscle putting on my bra, and I think it’s over.” Multiple hooks bother me. And I was thinking about it, like, why is this so triggering? And it goes all the way back to being a teenager, like most things, okay? Remember the first time you seriously made out with a boy, Ohio? So, what, 12, I don’t know. Remember the first time? Oh, I can go lower. Yeah, I’ve played Louisiana, we can go into the single digits. We’ll put it at a 16. We’ll put it at a nice, healthy “Jack & Diane,” all-American 16, okay? The first time you, like, really made out with a boy, right? You’re making out with him. You know, as the girl, you are harboring that secret. You know the multiple hook situation. You know the Rubik’s Cube of nylon and nickel that’s back there. That’s a fuckin’ cloth LSAT he’s going to have to pass. You know what’s back there. The boy has no idea, why would he? He’s never seen a bra before. All he knows is, “I caught a big one.” Like, he’s just excited. You know he’s going to have to contend with that, and you’re keeping that secret, like a bridge troll guarding a secret. Like, [high-pitched] “If you can solve these riddles three… …naked for you I shall be.” And you know it’s back there, and there’s that moment, there’s that moment where you’re making out, right? And he pulls away, and you’re like, “It’s time.” And he’s like, “Let’s do it. I need you.” “I fucking need this, Jeremy.” And he puts his head here. He pulls away from kissing so he can look over your back and look down at his work. Of course he has to look at your back, of course he needs his eyes on his paper. He can’t do that for the first time, sight unseen… [speaking gibberish] He can’t do that. “Yippity-skippity.” He can’t do that. No man has the natural dexterity of a doll brain surgeon. Why would you be able to intricately have that gorilla grip, to expand, contract? Why would you know? I know, all the lesbians are like, “We figured it out.” By the way, gentlemen, we want you to get it. We don’t want you to be embarrassed. No woman worth her salt wants that. We want you to succeed, right? We want you to take off our bras, and by the way, boys, that is your role. That is your job, to take off her bra. And this has nothing to do with feminism or gender roles. It has everything to do with no woman wanting to make this face. [ululates] “How was the date?” “It was great and then she flew out of the sunroof.” “We were making out in an Ultima.” And so there’s that moment where, like, he pulls away and he puts his head here, but you’ve never made out with a boy, and now you’re just a head floating on his shoulder. Like, “What do I do?” You can’t, like, “You got it, Trey.” “Keep going, Steven.” You can’t say anything, so you start kissing his shoulder, like… “You can do it! I don’t know…” “My curfew’s in ten minutes.” “I need to be shirtless in the back of my mom’s Maxima. Hurry!” And you watch as his little monkey paw goes behind your back. And you’re a young girl, and you don’t know you’re about to come in contact with your first lesson in male fragility. Because the hand goes behind the back, and he’s focused and it’s silent. And then for us girls, the next thing we hear is just… [inhales sharply] [low-pitched] “Motherfucker!” [high-pitched] “Calm down.”     Unnecessary to have so many hooks. Unnecessary. I did that joke in Portugal, and this woman comes up to me after the show, and she was like 5’5″, and she comes up, this little old lady. There was no security, she just walked right up, and she just… She goes… [speaking gibberish] I was like, “Yes? Hello?” And she just goes, “I have six hook and never tell no one.” [whoosh] I’m like, “Catch her, grab her jewel.” You don’t need all the hooks, and I’ll tell you why. When you go home tonight and you take off your bra, you’ll notice only one hook is doing the work. ‘Cause these things aren’t structurally sound. It’s that middle hook that’s been stripped of its paint. The hook and eye are so warped, it looks like God touching man. [groans] Ugly bra’s important. It’s an important bond. Brought ugly bra on a recent trip, um… You know, the world opened in the last year or so, and I think I’m like a lot of people in that, when you had the chance to take a trip, you were like, “We gotta fuckin’ go.” “Pack the toothbrush, let’s go.” So we took, like, a anniversary, post-baby, babymoon, birth-iversary, work is hard, mix it all together, “we never take a vacation” trip. We went to Italy, and I’m going to admit something that no woman has ever admitted before, here I go. Um… we did not have a great vacation, and… it was my fault. [gasps] [applause] Thank you so much, good night. No, it was my fault. But here’s why it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know. Are you… a person who works? Are you a woman who works? Do you have a family? Do you have a passion in this world? Yeah. [cheering] Are you fucking tired? And not just tired from work, tired from living up to the expectations of everybody who comes in contact with you? It is exhausting. We need a break, and we’re always champion, like, “Oh, keep working,” and then it’s a joke when you’re tired, like, “Oh, my wife doesn’t want to have sex, she’s tired.” Not just tired, she wants to be dead for a week. She wants to be put in a medically induced coma, if, for nothing else, just to get rid of these bags so people stop asking her why she looks so tired. Yeah, I had just had a baby. I shouldn’t have gone, but I was like, “Get it while the gettin’ is good.” Body was different, mind was different. Exhausted from work, stressed out. Allergies, feeling nauseous. I think I took too much Ambien. Is anyone regulating this? And we get there, jet-lagged, and I am miserable. And to make it worse, everybody there, all the girls were like 25. “From Michigan!” And they were all, like, [like valley girl] “on their honeymoons with their baseball player husbands named Coleton.” “Hey!” “Coleton, come here.” “I’m flawless. Coleton.” “Blixly, Brangin, come here.” “Crackin’, come here.” What are we doing with these names, America? Like, why mess with normal names? No one thinks we’re from old-line British money. “Like, Huxton.” I’m sorry, are you a hotel lobby? What are these words? “Blisten, Blixon, Dasher, Dancer.” “Braxton, Higgs, Contraction, come here.” “Tinkle, come here, Triscuit. I married a kitten.” “Come here!” “Tinkle. I’m in a romper. Let’s take a picture.” Romping! Romping with Tinkle. Ruff! Boys, I know, again, I got you. “What the fuck is a romper?” I got you. Let me explain. A romper is a garment made for a toddler… [cheering and applause] …that, because of our society’s obsession with infantilizing women, we have convinced grown adult women that they need to wear, okay? Not one woman has ever put on a romper and then said, “And there’s so much room in the crotch.” I think it’s all a part of a giant plan to keep women down. Like, you’ll have CEOs, mothers, businesswomen walking into meetings, like, “Thank you for waiting.” Just tugging at it. You got to be smart to wear a romper, I hope you know that. You do. It’s a puzzle. ‘Cause there’s only enough cloth to cover one set of genitals adequately. Like, you can cover your nipples, but, Cleveland, your south mouth is out. Okay? It’s gonna be out. I’m a woman. When I put on my clothes, I should not have to decide if I’m going to dress to the left or the right. They’re all in rompers having the best time, and all the Italian women were stunning. Olive skin, designer outfits, wearing six-inch heels. Fuckin’ killing it on ancient cobblestone walkways, not missing a beat. Sitting there in fartable Umbros and orthotics, just eating. I’m just like, “It’s called parmesan. We’ll never see this cheese again.” “We should have it now.” “Load ‘er up on my bra, and I’ll pull it back to the hotel.” “It’s duty-free if you eat all of it.” Those women were so beautiful, and I would just look at them, snorting ham. And I would just be like, “You girls are so beautiful.” “This food here is so good. How are you not a thousand pounds?” And they would look at me and they would just be like… [blows out emphatically] “Because we smoke cigarette.” “We do not eat processed corn for every meal.” “American, you are disgusty.” And she was right. I was disgusty. But not of body, of heart and mind. I was feeling so bad for myself. Then I started to feel bad about how bad I was making myself feel. And if you’re like me, when I’m in a bad mood, nothing makes me feel better than dragging everyone down. Then I started to get mad at myself because I would look at these beautiful girls, who hadn’t just had a baby, and I would be like, “They’re making me feel bad about myself.” Which is insane, okay? They’re not making you feel anything. And it’s okay, it’s okay to look at other women and decide what you like about them that you might want for yourself, okay? And society will label you competitive, a word that we reserve as a positive for male CEOs, male athletes, and men in general, but if a woman makes herself better, “She’s competitive.” “Sit the fuck down.” It’s normal, it’s intelligent. It’s called fucking adapting. It’s called evolution. When I look at another girl, it’s not about disdain for her, it’s about looking at her and thinking, “What about you do I want to try for me?” That’s what we do. You are constantly… It’s a goose. You are constantly… okay. You are constantly submarine sonaring yourself off of other women. That’s how you improve. Life is not a vacuum. You have to take in everything around you. [imitating sonar emissions] “She has bangs, should I get bangs? Remember the 2000s? Don’t do it.” “She’s wearing a mustard jumper. Should I…” “No, mustard doesn’t look good on white people.” “Low-rise jeans? No, you just had a baby.” “High-waisted, elder millennial black-denim-till-you-fuckin’-die, sister.” Every girl does it. Admit it. Every girl does it. Don’t believe women that are like, “I don’t judge other women.” Yes, you do, and I judge you for lying about it, how’s that? It’s okay. It’s okay to even have a bad thought. Don’t share it, don’t be a fuckin’ monster. Every girl does that. You leave your house feeling great. You’re thriving, right? You just did, like, ten minutes of yoga, mostly Shavasana, but you still did it. You made a recipe for a green matcha oat latte you saw on TikTok. So you did that. And you’re feeling so good, right? You leave your house like, “I feel so lean, so good.” You see another girl, maybe she’s not the cutest, right? Maybe she has her own hermit crab shell. Who knows? At least she’s a homeowner, who knows? You see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you judge her. You’re like, “She’s not too cute.” Maybe she’s not. Maybe she’s wearing boot-cut jeans and wedges, who knows? Oh, my God, Cleveland, that’s bad, okay? We’ll cut that part. You see her and… It was bad. But you see another girl, and for the quickest of seconds, you’re just like, “Oh, she’s so cute, she’s trying. Mm.” “Why does she bother? I look so good. Oh.” And then you turn the corner and see one of those hot girls in the butterfly fart bras, and she looks beautiful even when she cries, and you’re like, “Why do I bother?!” [groaning] “Return me to the sea.” “Let my body break down into fossil fuels that I may fuel the yachts of hotter people.” Your partner just wants you to feel good, right? Your husband, your boyfriend, they want you to feel good. They don’t understand the complexity of self-loathing when it comes to being a girl. They don’t understand that everything is attached and nothing is an isolated incident, right? Men are able to compartmentalize, but they are simple. And I envy that. A guy can look at weight gain like an isolated thing. [low-pitched] “Well, I gained weight.” “Better remedy that with some bigger pants.” “Here we go.” “To the Dillard’s.” Not that simple for girls, is it? ‘Cause when we gain weight, it’s never just about the weight. Is it? No. It’s attached to many things because everything is everything and it’s all happening at once. “I gain weight because I don’t have a work/life balance because I hate my fucking job because I didn’t get the job I wanted because I didn’t go to school because the guy I was dating didn’t encourage me and I always date the wrong men.” That’s what it’s about. That’s what it’s about. We are constantly beating ourselves up as women, and we are constantly feeling bad. And then I started to feel bad about the fact that we feel bad, and I started to think on the fact that we have a mental illness in this country where, as totally normal women, we just feel bad about ourselves, or we just feel gross. At least once a day, if you’re an American woman, you will utter the phrase, out loud or to yourself, “I just feel so gross.” For what? For sweating? For working out, for not working out? For feeding yourself? For having sex? Okay, that one, I don’t know. He might be… They might be… To burn off the whole arm. Okay. It’s easy to stand here and say that. However, counterpoint. You know when you’re eating and you take, like, one extra bite too much and you can feel yourself gain weight because your bra gets tight? You know what I’m talking about? [cheering] I call it “the thickening.” And, boys, you need to know about the thickening because so many of our behaviors as women, you’re like, “She just went crazy, everything was fine.” No, ’twas the thickening. It’s not you. You brought over a nice meal. It’s not your fault. The girl’s sitting there, “I’m having the best time,” and… Poof! [low-pitched] “Uh-oh!” “Get me out of here!” And you should know, once the thickening happens, it’s over, and it’s nothing you did. We need to go to a safe space and eat more food, okay? That’s what the thickening is. She’s not horny. You’ve got to get her out of there. No woman’s ever been like, “I just feel so gross.” “Let’s fuck it out of me!” It’s over. Give it a beat. I was feeling so bad about myself and so mad at myself and just awful, and my husband looks at me and he goes, “Well, I think you’re beautiful.” [audience] Aww! [growling] [low-pitched] “It’s not about what you think!” “It’s between me and her, and she doesn’t even know it!” And every night we’d go to bed, I would kiss my husband good night, and I would say, “I love you.” My husband would say, “I love you too.” And I would say, “Okay.” “Go to sleep.” And he’d roll over and he’d go to bed, and I’d roll over and stare at the door. Where bra would be hanging. And I’d look at her and she at me. And I’d whisper to her. And I’d say, “I love you.” And bra would look back at me and she’d say, [straining voice] “Let me die!” “I served you well.” “My cups runneth over.” “Seriously, you need to go up a band size.” And I’d say, “Please, don’t go.” “You could at least wash me!” I’m like, “I need you now more than ever.” “I can be useful in other ways.” “You can carry your jewelry in my cups.” “I could be stuffed into the shoe to keep its form.” It was like the end of The Giving Tree. “Cut off my straps and make me into a necklace for a village cat.” Only been married for four years, but in that short time, I have figured out what marriage is. Notice how everyone’s silent. All the long-haulers are like, “Let’s hear it, missy!” Marriage is, every morning for the rest of your life, waking up next to someone and having to hear a full report of how that person slept. And if you don’t act like this information is new… …and interesting, you are a monster. My husband does not sleep well. I know my husband does not sleep well because I sleep next to my husband. But part of my wifely duties is, every morning, I must play the part. I must get into character. I wake up, I see him. [exhales sharply] [wavering voice] “Oh!” “How did you sleep… …milord?” “Seems you’ve grown a tail.” Then my husband plays his part. “Who, me?” “Ohh!” “Not well.” And then I’m like, “Oh.” “That’s fascinating.” “Hmm. What could we do with this brand-new problem?” “Do you think you maybe, finally, want to see a medical doctor… …before I kill you?!” I don’t talk about my husband a ton in my act, but I did that joke for the first time a few weeks ago and he was on tour with me, and I came off-stage, I was like, [apologetically] “Is that okay?” And my husband was like, “No, it’s great.” “It’s great, it’s cool.” “It’s just really cool how only one of us has a microphone.” I was like, “What do you mean?” He’s like, “Like you never repeat yourself?” I’m like, “What do I repeat?” He’s like, “How many times a night do you yell at me to look at the dog?” “She’s a dog, and she’s naked. Look at her!” “Look at… she sleeps between my feet, I see her.” “She has tail and mouth.” “She has perfect nose-to-mouth ratio, one-to-one, never seen before.” “She’s just baby.” He’s like, “You know, we have a real baby.” “But this one has four feet!” “You can kiss this one deep in the mouth, you will not go to jail.” Don’t judge me. My husband has trouble sleeping. I actually have a little bit of trouble going to bed because, I don’t know if you’re like me, but I need to look at TikTok for six to eight hours before I… [high-pitched] Yeah! Oh, it’s my reward. I’m like, “I read a full paragraph of an actual book.” [high-pitched] Brrrrr! I will look at anything. I will Clockwork Orange my eyes open, and I will let it feed me conspiracy theories, ancient alien architecture, a Pomeranian in a raincoat, Taiwanese nail art, pizza-making tutorials, a duck walking across a deck. [imitating duck] I will look at lipless pit bulls, I don’t care.     The other day, I watched a thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby… …to a Jason Derulo song. And I double-tapped for part two. I… watched these two thumbs get out of their matching cherry-red F-250, swap kids, and the dad looks at the camera like he’s hosting American Idol and goes, “We’re divorced but we co-parent. How do we do it?” I’m like, “Probably a court order, Zeke.” Double-tap, part three. Then I watched them each get back into their truck next to their new spouse, who, let’s be honest, it’s the middle-of-nowhere America, looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding cup they left in the first place. Real lateral trade if you ask me. And then I double-tap for part four, it was a link to their family Etsy store. I bought a bandanna. Shop small, America. My biggest issue with social media is the commodification of intangible things, right? The commodification of mental health, for example, okay? So, what do I mean by that, America? Well, I mean this. Whatever you’re dealing with, no matter how niche or huge what you’re dealing with is, there is someone who knows exactly what you’re going through. They’ve written papers on your issue and gone to school for it. They are called doctors, and I will tell you what, America, after these last few years, those are the only people from whom I would like to hear. I don’t want your feelings to be facts, I’m not interested in alternative facts. I’m not interested in armchair psychology. I’m not interested in your trauma giving you the qualification to give some sort of medical advice, and don’t be so sure that the person on the other end of that TikTok actually cares about you. Remember, a look is a like, okay? A click is a like is a dollar. This is all being monetized, okay? So just be very careful because you don’t know who’s over there and what their intentions are. I only want to hear from doctors and scientists. I don’t want to hear from couples who think vanilla essential oils cure autism. I don’t want to hear from anyone who’s done their own “research,” personal facts, none of that. Because it finds you. You have to be clear about what you’re looking for, it will find you. You’re looking at those lipless bulldogs, like, “Baby needs a kiss on the mouth.” And they pop on like, “Hey there, just dropping in to remind you, make space for Grace.” You’re like, “Who the fuck is Grace?” Get out of here. There’s always some girl named Cheyenne with a dream-catcher tattoo. Like, “Hey there, just dropping on to remind you you are safe on this page.” No shit I’m safe, I’m taking a dump in my own home. Get out of here! Commodification of feminism is another one. To review, feminism is the idea that people should be treated equally. That’s it. It shouldn’t be politicized. And I understand that it has the prefix “fem,” so it’s like “ugh.” But in our third- and fourth-wave feminism, in an attempt to empower women, we’ve decided the best way to do that, to communicate with the masses, is to talk to women like they are fucking idiots. And we use a specific language. You’ve seen it. You’ve seen it in gift shops, you’ve seen it on thank-you cards, you’ve seen it on empowerment bags. You’ve seen this pejorative, infantilized, I call it “glitter speak.” You’ve seen it, splayed across RBG totes and “Michelle Obama on a unicorn” wine bottles. You’ve seen this language. “Yes, sassy bitch, sassy A-F, work, queen.” “Yes, girl, twerk it, mama. Rosé all day.” “Thiccck with three c’s.” “Workin’ and twerkin’.” “Not an entrepreneur, a she-entrepreneur.” “Not a boss, a boss bitch.” “‘Cause it’s different than a regular boss, like a boy.” “Boss bitch, yes, twerk, queen mama, thick raccoon bitch, do-it-all-day, bubble-gum mama thing.” “Yes, queen, work, bitch.” “Slay all day, mama.” They stole this language from Black gay trans drag queens and made it their own to sell you pencil bags. Who is this language good for? I don’t want to be a boss bitch. I don’t want be a bitch. That’s not nice. I want to be regular boss. You would be horrified if someone used this language in real life. So I don’t understand why we think it’s okay to just write it on everything. You’d be horrified, girls, if you were at work and your male boss went up to your male co-worker and was like, “Tom, good job.” “Keep it up, cowboy style, oorah,” and then… he turned to you and was like, “And to you, she-bitch… keep it up, thiccck-ass glitter queen.” “Yes, mama.” “Workin’ and twerkin’ on the weekend.” “Keep rewriting herstory, not history, right?” “You thick, juicy, empowered slut.” Who wants that? We like the idea of empowering women. In theory, that’s a really nice idea, but in practice we’re still uncomfortable with the idea of a strong woman who makes money. We want to promote the idea, like, “Yes, work, get that money.” But when you do, when a woman is a capitalist, it’s like, “Well, how are you considering other women and the planet and the animals?” “What are you doing to make sure… Have you apologized lately?” “What are you doing to stay humble?” We don’t like it when women are capitalists. We love it when men are unabashed and kicking in dicks. You ever see Realtor billboards outside, like in rural areas? It’s always some jackass in a ten-gallon hat and a gun, just like… [imitating gun cocking] “My name is Dan, and I’m the number-one Realtor on the south side of town.” “I’m Cowboy Dan and I will fuck your wife in your condo and sell it back to you with a 30% markup.” “Let’s do some paperwork.” “Come on, come here!” You never see that! [high-pitched] “Oh, Vigilante Dan! Oh, take all my money!” You never see a woman, like, “My name’s Vicky, and I got a fat vagina and a pistol, and you can ride this vagina to savings!” You never see that. Ever. And it’s easy for me to stand up here and tell you to be empowered and be strong, but we all know, when you’re a woman, the real world is very scary, and you will be dinged, you will be faulted for failing to not be perfect to everyone all the time. And what breaks my heart is that women can’t carry that strength all the time. And it breaks my heart when girls who really have done nothing get attacked. You go online, you see a girl, maybe she’s not the prettiest girl, right? And you know it took a lot for her to post a picture. And there’s always one comment from a private account, ’cause you know he’s brave… This poor girl took everything to post a picture, and it’s something about her weight or her gender or telling her to kill herself. “Why can’t you control yourself, you fat bitch?” Why can’t you control your thumbs, motherfucker, and just say nothing to this stranger? Ask any women in your life, you do not have to be famous for people to say vile things to you. It’s easy, we just say, “Just ignore it,” but you carry it with you. By the way, I don’t think it’s the gentlemen that are here, because if you buy a ticket to see me, you’re very smart. You’re a good guy, you are. And I love you. If you don’t know who I am and your girlfriend dragged you here, I have your money. I’ve got great news for you boys. If you’re ever online and see a girl that you don’t like for whatever reason, you don’t like the shape of her body, the cut of her jib, the size of her tooth, she’s only got the one, whatever, great news for you, boys, you don’t have to fuck her. Isn’t that great? We don’t have that program set up yet. That’s right, you don’t have to fuck her. You don’t have to patronize her business, you don’t have to pay her any mind, you never have to see her again, ’cause you have the power to take your probably very small finger and… [blows] …scroll right on by. That’s all you gotta do. Don’t pay your pain forward. I wish that women could speak to men in real life with the impunity with which you speak to us online. That’s what I wish, I wish there was a federal holiday every day where I could just tee off, no physical repercussions. I could be walking with a girlfriend, and one of you walk by, and I’d be like, “That one, I’m having a bad day.” “I’m gonna go off.” And she’d be like, “Don’t do it, you don’t know him.” “That’s the whole point of this holiday. Hey!” “You, yeah. It’s thinning up here, we can all tell, fuck you.” There is an anger toward women in our world, in our country. You can see it with the current legislation that’s being written. However, I wrote this joke before all this happened. Lucky for me, hating women is evergreen and so these jokes still work. But there is an anger toward women when they don’t give attention, a sexual experience, love, admiration, a conversation to an absolute stranger, and there can be deadly consequences for it. And that’s not her fault, but this is what happens. Now is the portion where I bring it down in order to bring it back up, here we go. That kid that shot up the University of Santa Barbara a couple years ago… I know, it is hard to keep them straight, America, but this one was different, because this kid wrote a whole manifesto about how women don’t pay attention to him and don’t sleep with him and this is what they deserve. That guy that shot up that Asian strip mall in Atlanta, he had a whole interview about how women don’t sleep with him and he’s alone and this is what they deserve. So now this next part, I’m going to be as clear as possible, because this is a Netflix special, so what I say next will be translated into hundreds of languages, and I want to be succinct and I want to be loud and I want to be clear, so here we go. [applause] [cheering] Gentlemen, if you are not having sex, and we’re not talking a dry spell, we’re not talking you’re a little shy, we’re not talking, “Your Aunt Sheila did a number on me, I gotta take a knee.” We’re not talking you swiped right, she had a tail. You didn’t know it till the Awesome Blossom came. We are talking, if you don’t have sex… and the narrative of your life is that you are not having sex because women are bitches, women are whores, you’re a nice guy and you deserve better… that is nature’s way of saying you should not be having sex, for you failed to adapt and evolve and there should be no more of your kind. If you can’t figure it out. And I understand, women cheer for that, most men do. Some men are reserved, I get it. I’m a girl, I’m not one of you. And you don’t know, “I don’t wanna cheer for that.” “Bros before hos, I’m leaving behind my guys.” “I can’t do that.” Yes, leave them! Leave the diseased portion of your herd that is broken. They’re giving you a bad name. We believe you are good. Come with us for snacks and sex and good-looking babies. And, gentlemen, if it still makes you uncomfortable, I get it. It might make you more comfortable to note that I stole that idea from a man named Charles Darwin. You can Wikipedia it, okay? It’s just evolution and adapting. Because here’s the truth, boys, it is so easy to get a girl. This is where I lose the women. You were on my side, “We’re outta here.” It’s so easy to get a girl. By virtue of the fact that there are more women than men on this planet, it means the odds are [British accent] ever in your favor, okay? The fact that women are brainwashed into thinking that we lose value as we get older, that’s not true, but as we get older, our standards aren’t lowered, but they are negotiable. So, you can get in there. And I know, I’m supposed to stand here and be like, “All women are fucking treasures,” and we are. “All women are She-Diva power bitches, that’s right.” “Diamonds in the muff.” “All women are delicate, beautiful flowers…” Some are. And some are total armadillos. And, boys, get you an armadillo. You get you a fully loaded armadilly with a CD changer and everything. Get in there. So many girls are like, “Am I an armadillo?” No. I’m afraid that when I say that, I’m gonna see that back door open and I’m just gonna see a shell and a tail. “I did not drive in all the way from Toledo to be told…” It is so easy to get a girl, gentlemen. All you got to do is show up. Just be good at… something. Women love a man with a purpose, even if it’s a dumb one. “I love model trains.” Like, “I’m there.” A girl… it doesn’t matter. He’s got a passion, it could be anything. You know what? Even fishing, someone will take you. Some woman will be like, “I’ll take him. So, is that a wide-mouth you caught?” “I can look at your Instagram where you’re holding all of them? I can’t wait.” You could be good at anything. You could be smart, that’s always a plus. You could be rich, obviously, good-looking, good at math. You could be nice. Turns out that’s attractive. Like, later in life. I know, men don’t… “I don’t want to be nice, I’m Rambo!” “I’m a badass. I don’t want to be nice.” “Nice guys finish last.” Yes. But at least they finish. You could be good with computers, you could be funny. – You could, honestly… [bottle rattles] You could be an alcoholic. You could be… Some girls like to party. You can be shy, that’s kind of cute. You can be nerdy. Some dorkstress. “I will roll the eight-sided die with thee.” Like, whatever. Honestly, sometimes you could just be tall. Like, for a little while, that’s enough. You could just be tall. All the 5’10” guys are like, “Fuck you, motherfucker, you could be tall.” “Try me alone, come here!” You could just be tall. You see the way girls’ eyes light up? “Tell us about your boyfriend.” [like valley girl] “Coleton, okay, well, he’s tall!” “Coleton, stand in the Zoom ’cause I want my family to see how tall you are, especially my sister, ’cause she’s a bitch, come here.” “Stand in the Zoom. Stand next to me.” [microphone thuds] [mouthing words] “Stop it.” “Put on a fucking towel, stop it.” “I’m not looking at that, stop it!” “Because the whole audience doesn’t realize it’s a dick, stop it!” You can get a girl, boys. Magicians have girlfriends. I’m not even talking like David Blaine, multimillionaire Vegas magician. We’re talking some guy doing sleight of hand at a bar mitzvah. He’s got a girl waiting in his Ultima in the parking lot. “That’s my baby!” In closing, been married for four years. I’m 39 years old. We have a beautiful little girl who just turned six months old. And before we had that beautiful little girl, about a year before, we thought we were going to have a baby and we had a miscarriage. And I don’t tell you that to garner sympathy or make anyone sad or bring the room down, Cleveland. I only tell you I had a miscarriage because I have a microphone, and we don’t talk about these things. [applause]     And I’m not embarrassed about it. And maybe if we did talk about these things, maybe if we normalized these discussions, maybe if all discussions about women’s bodies weren’t hidden under a stack of cash, under a Bible, under a federal building, maybe… [cheering] If this happens to you, because it happens to three out of every ten women, it’s not that it would take the sting out of it, but you would know you’re part of a large group. You did nothing wrong. You’re not weird. You’re not bad. You certainly shouldn’t be prosecuted for it. [cheering] And you’ll be okay. But it wasn’t until I got pregnant that first time that I became personally in tune with how often women are asked about children. Prior to that, no one had ever asked me about children because I’m a stand-up comic. “Well, you’ll just die in a clown suit somewhere on a regional flight, won’t you?” But I realize how often people ask women about this, I didn’t get that before. Now, it’s totally normal and innocuous to ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” It’s an okay thing to ask because we’ll call it traditional. Someone had kids, that’s why we’re all in this room. It’s totally traditional for two humans regardless of gender to put their bodies together and then, through means of sex, science, or trade… …acquire smaller humans that they then put in their home and then subsequently put to work. Okay. That’s what’s done. It’s a little less traditional to be like, “We’re in a throuple and this is our tortoise.” But okay. However, you ask a woman, “Do you have kids?” and she says no, if she doesn’t continue that conversation, that’s not her in need of prompting. “Do you want kids?” She has her answer, she was just drawing a boundary. There’s no more information. We have to be okay with that. She has her answer and she’s thought a lot about it, and it’s personal to her, and that answer is somewhere in the realm of, “Yes, we do have kids.” “They’re weird-looking.” “Yes, we want them, we’re working on it, we’re fucking real hard.” “We’re not sure, it’s expensive, something’s wrong with me.” “More likely something wrong with him, we don’t know.” “Unclear, future’s uncertain, come back later,” or, “Fuck no, we love our tortoise.” Whatever the answer is. Whatever the answer, I promise you her answer is never that she forgot and thank God she ran into you at the dry cleaner’s. Because, Cleveland, I think it speaks to the constant conversations about women, rarely to our betterment, often to our detriment, and the misinformation and disinformation about vaginas, okay? Remember, there’s a lot of people making a lot of money off of you feeling bad about what’s normal about you, okay? We don’t have to make this political, we already did, but we can keep this social. We’ll keep it in pop culture, right? We’ll talk about all the things that we hear about this idea that she’s gotta keep it tight, right? “A loose woman”? You gotta keep it tight? Let’s put this to rest. ‘Tis tight! It’s tight. I understand if she’s had several children, it may not be that tight, but chances are, if she’s had several children, a tight vagina ain’t at the top of her priority list, okay? It’s tight enough. Work your pelvic core for your own health. But let’s put it this way, gentlemen. It’s tight enough for you and your five inches of fury, okay? Which is plenty. What’s with making women feel so insecure? How tight do you need it, boys? Are you fucking a dolphin blowhole? You’re fine. All right? You’re gonna have a good time. This idea that it tastes like candy. No candy! No candy for you! It’s a vagina, it’s a body part, okay? At its finest, it might be, what, a little metallic? I don’t fuckin’ know. Why would it taste like candy? What other part of your body are you like, “That is Ripple”? Like, it’s not… Girls are gonna feel bad that it doesn’t taste like candy, and you shouldn’t make it taste like candy, you’re gonna make it sick. That’s a problem. Makes girls feel bad. If he comes up from down there, like, “Green apple Jolly Rancher,” you better call an ambulance. Something went wrong. Then finally, this idea, the stigma, that you have to keep it clean. No! The vagina is self-cleaning. Okay? Leave it alone. Yeah, there’s a small chance you’re sick and you have to see a doctor, but for the most part, it is clean. You know what isn’t clean? Your penis. Yeah. I see you put it anywhere just for funsies, yeah. Don’t be tracking that through my house. Yeah. Okay? It’s clean. You don’t need to do anything to it. It has its own ecosystem, okay? You don’t need to clean it. You don’t need to put a Glade plug-in, okay? You don’t need to steam it, Gwyneth! You don’t need to vacuum it. It’s not the back seat of a Mazda. It’s clean! Okay? The vagina is its own ecosystem. The vagina has its own pH balance. That’s why it has its own smell and its own temperature. Your vagina, Cleveland, is like a rain forest in that it is dangerous, it could kill you, it is damp, and it needs government protection. Thank you so much for coming out tonight. [cheering and applause] [TimaLikesMusic playing “Party Goblin”]"
1686241528-58,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Bo Burnham: Make Happy (2016) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bo-burnham-make-happy-2016-full-transcript/,"[woman on TV] That has been, really, a difficult thing for me. My mother has always been a very difficult person all her life. Very unhappy. I can never remember my mother being happy. [inhales deeply] And as she gets older, however she was as a young person, I find it’s just now exaggerated and, uh… so, she’s, uh, 83 and now very extremely negative, very extremely unhappy, and, uh… that has been hard for me… -[classical music playing] [audience cheering and applauding] [woman] Hello, audience. Thank you for coming. You are here because you want to laugh… and you want to forget about your problems. But I cannot allow it. You should not laugh. You should not forget about your problems. The world is not funny. -We are all dying. [audience laughing] The world is not funny. Twelve percent of the world’s population does not have access to clean drinking water. The world is not funny. Guy Fieri owns two functioning restaurants. -[audience laughing and applauding] -The world is not funny. So then… now that we understand the context, now that we realize how terribly unfunny the world is… let’s do this. -[organ music playing] -[audience cheering and applauding] [man] Entertainers are not here to help you. They are here to control you. -[audience continues cheering] -Never listen to them. Never give them what they want. And most importantly, never make some fucking noise! [audience cheers loudly] [hip-hop music playing] [audience continues cheering] -[bell dings] -[rapping] ♪ Ladies! ♪ ♪ Ladies, if you feel me Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all women] Hell, yeah! ♪ Fellas! Come on, fellas If you feel me, say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [all men] Hell, yeah! ♪ Virgins, if you haven’t felt a person Say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you can divide by zero Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -No, you can’t. -[audience laughing] Mathematically impossible. Listen. Don’t be Pavlovian. I’m looking for actual answers here. Trying to gather information. Let’s go. ♪ If you like drinking booze Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If you like smoking weed Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah!” ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! -Gotcha. Get these motherfuckers. -[police siren wailing] [officer 1] Get down on the ground! Get down on the ground! [Bo] Pot is ruining America. [officer 1] Where’s the weed? Where’s the weed? [officer 2] Yeah, we got a room full of potheads. We’re gonna need backup. Over. Psych! ♪ If you don’t give a fuck About the law ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “Fuck the police” ♪ [audience] Fuck the police. ♪ If that seems oversimplified to you Let me hear you say ♪ ♪ “It’s a really tough job And they’re doing their best” ♪ ♪ If you know nothing about the conflict Between Israel and Palestine ♪ ♪ And thus feel super uncomfortable ♪ ♪ Weighing in on it Til you’ve read about it ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say “No comment” ♪ [audience] No comment! Good call. I have no idea what’s going on over there. What are they fighting about? They have similar hats. ♪ If you want to start the show ♪ ♪ Let me hear you say, “Hell, yeah” Come on ♪ [audience] Hell, yeah! ♪ If my name’s Bo… ♪ -Whoops. -[audience laughing] I think you’re done with this call and response shit. That’s what I thought. If you want me to get introspective, -let’s get introspective. -[soft music playing] [singing] ♪ I can’t wrap my mind around Exactly why I’m here ♪ ♪ I know you paid money I should be funny ♪ ♪ Other than that Don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ To make you laugh, right? That’s only half-right ♪ ♪ Look at the world I don’t know why I’m here ♪ ♪ All this laughter can’t Feed starving Africans ♪ ♪ I just hope I don’t Get more from this than you do ♪ ♪ I would love to tell you That everything is fine ♪ ♪ You wanna be happy ♪ ♪ Well, get in line ♪ [rapping] ♪ Yeah, this is almost Musically incoherent at this point ♪ ♪ Y’all ain’t never seen a comedy show Like this in your fucking life ♪ ♪ And for good reason ♪ -♪ It gets old after a few minutes ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ You’ll see ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Let’s get this show going ♪ ♪ Let’s get this show started Okay ♪ ♪ One, two, three, four ♪ -[music stops] -So I was at the dentist the other day… -[audience laughing and cheering] -Yeah. [audience applauding] And nothing funny happened, so I was like, “Don’t mention that on stage.” I already fucked it up. -No, you fucking don’t. -[audience laughing] You do not. Haters gonna hate, lovers gonna love. You need to reject both sides of the spectrum -to leave a… healthy middle. -[audience laughs] Stop participating. Not a participatory thing going on up here. Trying to immortalize something I’ve worked on for a long time. Shut up! [chuckles] I have not… made my mind up about… masturbation. It’s weird and I’m torn. You know, ’cause on one hand, it feels good. [audience laughing and cheering] [applauding] [cheering] Did you not think I was gonna use it, idiots? -[audience laughing] -It’s not a prop. It will be used intermittently. Guys… I’ve got a lot of problems in my life. I wrote a song about some of the problems in my life. I hope that some of you can relate to it. Here we go. [playing slow song] ♪ Walking around I got no one to talk to ♪ ♪ There’s everyone ♪ ♪ And then there’s just me ♪ ♪ If I could change Don’t you think that I’d do it ♪ ♪ God only knows Why he cursed me to be ♪ ♪ A straight white man ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ I state my problems ♪ ♪ Other people roll their eyes ♪ ♪ Three trips to the mall ♪ ♪ Zero khakis in my size ♪ ♪ I’ve never been the victim Of a random search for drugs ♪ ♪ But you can’t say My life is easy ♪ ♪ Until you’ve walked a mile in my Uggs ♪ [breath trembling] [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The gays want kids ♪ -What? -[audience laughing] ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ And also “No” to the things you asked for ♪ They’re being greedy and they know it, okay? [mock sobs] ♪ Everyone thinks that I’ve got it easy ♪ ♪ And just ’cause it’s true ♪ ♪ Doesn’t mean that it’s right ♪ ♪ So pull up a chair ♪ ♪ And put down your pitchforks ♪ ♪ Give me a chance ♪ ♪ To show you what it is like ♪ ♪ To be a straight white man ♪ ♪ The churches never made me Feel ashamed of who I am ♪ ♪ But I get emails from Zappos That Gmail doesn’t mark as spam ♪ ♪ My country’s constitution Was handwritten by my race ♪ ♪ But my wife bought me The brand new iPhone ♪ ♪ With an iPod Touch’s case ♪ [voice breaking] Case doesn’t fit that phone. [audience laughing] ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The blacks want Not to be called “the blacks” ♪ Sorry. ♪ Can’t you just leave us alone? ♪ ♪ Also, “no” to the things you asked for ♪ ♪ No ♪ ♪ Straight white man ♪ ♪ I know the road looks tough ahead ♪ ♪ The women want rights ♪ ♪ The African Amer– ♪ It doesn’t work with the rhythm. [audience laughs] ♪ We used to have all the money and land ♪ ♪ And we still do But it’s not as fun now ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] -[softly] Thank you. -[audience cheering and applauding] If you were offended by that, it was ironic. Isn’t that fun? I meant the whole opposite of it. White guys, it’s easy to be a white guy. Yeah, white guy, we deserve a… cheer once in a while. Very easy to be a white guy. Very easy. But white guys get a lot of shit and it’s not fair, ’cause we’ve done a lot of things, you know? We invented a lot of stuff. White guys invented everything but peanut butter, I believe. That’s what I was taught in school. Everything but peanut butter. Doesn’t sound right, but the American educational system having a racial bias? No way, Joseph. Guys, white… white people are a little uncomfortable. We’ll do a racial joke about the white people so you don’t feel uncomfortable. White people, we like the same foods. Favorite sandwich, peanut butter and… -[audience] Jelly! -…jelly. -Macaroni and… -[audience] Cheese! Our favorite chips, salt and vi… -[audience] …negar! -Wow! -[audience laughing] -Who said it? Get the cameras on them. Your grandkids are gonna see this, know what a bigot their grandfather or grandmother were. Every non-white person, see who said that, find them after the show. Put the lights down. Their faces creep me out. [audience laughing] Guys, I’m not “perfect,” okay? I don’t “use air quotes correctly,” all right? But I am against double standards across the board. Why is it… that when a woman wears revealing clothing, she’s labeled a slut, yet if I were to wear her skin as a jacket, I’m a murderer? -What? -[audience laughing] If I fuck a kid, I’m a pedophile, but if a kid fucks me, I’m the pedophile again? Twice in a week? What is this? -[upbeat music playing] -[man] Hey, Bo. Do you want to sing a song with us? -Okay. -Great! -I don’t know the words, though. -That’s all right. -You’ll figure it out. -All right! -Whoo! -♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -What? -♪ You’re a faggot ♪ -[music stops] -[audience laughing] [audience cheering and applauding] Wasn’t clever, it was just mean. Bigoted. I apologize for that. So I was interrupted the other day while my– -[man] Hey, Bo. -Motherfucker. -You want to sing another song together? -I really don’t. -Too bad. -God damn it. ♪ Hey, Bo, guess what? ♪ -I’m a faggot. -Correct! It’s not funny. ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot ♪ ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a fucking… ♪ Can you turn the lights off at least? ♪ You’re a faggot, you’re a faggot You’re a fucking faggot… ♪ Is this funny to you people? Turn it off. Turn the track off! -[record scratches] -[music stops] -Why was it on a record player? -[audience laughing] You got a record player back there? You have hooked up a record player? You know, it’s one thing to make that, but to press it onto vinyl is a whole other thing, all right? -It’s gonna outlive me. -[audience applauding] Just to be clear, I wrote, conceived and executed the entirety of that bit. -Do not give those dumb fucks any credit. -[audience laughing] It’s all me, baby. All me. Look at you people in the Abe Lincoln seats. Bam! Too late. Too late. How dare you make that joke so late? I’m a big fan of hip-hop. ‘Cause I like words. I like poetry. And hip-hop feels like a way to condense a lot of those things into a short amount of time. There are artists that still do that. Uh… Yeah, Kendrick Lamar, very word-heavy, very poetic. But– -[audience cheers] -What are you doing? Look, this is my show. Do not veer credit to people outside this building. -[audience laughing] -[chuckles] Most… [chuckles] most… Hip-hop artists, for me, and it is for me, hip-hop, has traded in words and poetry for beat fetishism. It’s where you make a sick beat and then you rap anything over it. And people lose their minds. I’ll give you an example. Is there a sick beat back there for me? -[hip-hop beat playing] -Oh, shit! [rapping] ♪ I am not one of you ♪ ♪ I am not a human being ♪ ♪ You know what I am? ♪ ♪ I’m a little teapot Short and stout ♪ ♪ Here is my handle Here is my spout ♪ ♪ When I get all steamed up Then I shout ♪ ♪ Sing it Tip me over and… ♪ -[audience] Pour me out! -Let’s go. [man] ♪ Pour me out Pour me out ♪ ♪ Tip me over And pour me out ♪ ♪ N i g g a, pour me out ♪ ♪ Pour me out ♪ -♪ Tip me over and pour me out ♪ -Okay. ♪ Baa, baa, black sheep Have you any wool? ♪ ♪ Yes, sir, yes, sir, three bags full ♪ ♪ One for the master, one for the dame ♪ ♪ One for the little boy That’s livin’ down the lane ♪ -♪ Baa ♪ -[man] ♪ Lives down the lane ♪ -♪ Whoo! ♪ -♪ Lives down the lane ♪ Why is there a young boy living alone down the lane? -Who signed this boy’s lease? -[audience laughing] Am I the only one concerned for this little boy? Two examples is enough. -[music stops] -Okay, thank you. [audience cheering and applauding] A lesser comedian would have milked that for four verses. And a better comedian wouldn’t have done it all. [chuckles] I’m right in the sweet spot. These, uh… These cannons cost $200, just for that joke. I could give that money to a homeless person, make their day, and I don’t do that very often. That is my first decision every morning. Not today. Nah. I’ll do that tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and it’s still today. Tomorrow’s a relative term. We’re not getting there. Makes Annie more depressing. [audience laughing and cheering] [woman cheers] -Fuck you. -[audience laughing] You don’t know where I’m going. Don’t act like it. You are not ahead of me. I will retain the element of surprise. [exclaims] I’m trying to work on my improv. My show is very planned, uh, to the word. -You know, to the gesture. -[spring sound effect] And I’m trying to break out of that. I want to make something brand new for every show, that only a few people get to experience. -What’s your name, man? -Rob. Rob? All right. I’m gonna try to make up a song about Rob… [chuckles] off the top of my head. This might not work. Um, it’s just… It’s to keep me sharp, trying to… I’m stalling, trying to think of rhymes for Rob. It’s not fair. Okay. Song about Rob. Hit the track. [upbeat music playing] Fuck. [man] ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ Bo, I heard you had sex with older woman last night. I did. -What’s her son’s name? -Rob, he’s right there. -I fucked his mother. -♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ Bo had sex with… ♪ -♪ Rob’s… ♪ -♪ Mom ♪ ♪ I fucked her for an hour Then left when I was done ♪ ♪ ‘Cause fucking is her game And Rob is her son ♪ -[music stops] -Did we plan that? We did not plan that. -[audience cheering and applauding] -How does he do it? How does he pretend to do it? How does he remain contrived? I’m not… I’m not honest for a second up here! Honesty is for the birds, baby. You want an honest comedian, go see the rest of them, all right? “This thing actually happened.” -Cool. -[audience laughing] [man in audience] Whoo! [Bo] Boy, oh, boy. Any big fans of country music out there? -[audience cheering] -Yeah. Ooh, some people extending my name. “Boo,” that’s also approval. -Uh, I think… -[audience laughing] I think country music… gets a bad rep. You know, why is it that when Bruce Springsteen sings about a fucking turnpike it is art, and then when someone sings about a horse, it’s dumb inherently? I don’t think… [scoffs] I think some of the greatest songwriters of all time are country artists. Dolly Parton, Willie Nelson… You know? And if you’re writing honestly, that is art. And I would never bash that. Um, the problem is… with a lot of modern country music, what is called stadium country music, the sort of Keith Urban brand of country music, is that it is not honest. -It is the exact opposite of honest. -[country music playing] Where instead of people actually telling their stories, you got a bunch of millionaire metrosexuals who’ve never done a hard day’s work in their life, but they figured out the words and the phrases they can use to pander to their audience, and they list the same words and phrases off, sort of mad-lib style in every song, raking in millions of dollars from actual working-class people. You know the words. You know the phrases. Phrases like… ♪ A dirt road, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A blue jeans, a red pickup ♪ ♪ A rural noun, simple adjective ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ No shoes, no shirt ♪ ♪ No Jews You didn’t hear that ♪ [audience laughing] Sort of a mental typo. ♪ I walk and talk like a field hand ♪ ♪ But the boots I’m wearing Cost three grand ♪ ♪ I write songs about riding tractors ♪ ♪ From the comfort of a private jet ♪ ♪ I could sing in Mandarin ♪ ♪ You’d still know I’m pandering ♪ ♪ Hunting deer, chasing trout ♪ ♪ A Bud Light with the logo facing out ♪ ♪ Hear that subtle mandolin ♪ ♪ That’s textbook pandering ♪ ♪ I own a private ranch That I rarely use ♪ I don’t like dirt. One verse, one chorus in the bag. Now it’s time to talk to the ladies. I’m hoping my Southern charm offsets all these rape-y vibes I’m putting out. ♪ Good girl in a straw hat ♪ ♪ With her arms out in a cornfield ♪ ♪ That is a scarecrow ♪ Thought it was a human woman. Sorry. ♪ A cold night, a cold beer ♪ ♪ A cold jeans Strike that last one ♪ ♪ I’m wanting you I hope you’re feeling me ♪ Subtextually. ♪ We go to bed You doze off ♪ ♪ So I take your country girl Clothes off ♪ ♪ I put my hands on your body ♪ ♪ It feels like hay It’s a fucking scarecrow again ♪ ♪ Like Mike’s Evander-ing ♪ ♪ Fuck your ears, I’m pandering ♪ ♪ I write songs for the people who do ♪ ♪ Jobs in the towns That I’d never move to ♪ ♪ Legalize gerrymandering ♪ ♪ Tolerate my pandering ♪ ♪ You got a beautiful mouth ♪ ♪ I got a beautiful… ♪ Y’all dumb motherfuckers want a key change? ♪ Thematically meandering ♪ ♪ Emphatically pandering ♪ ♪ I got a tight grip on my demo’s balls ♪ ♪ Say the word “truck” They jizz in their overalls ♪ ♪ You don’t know what land you’re in ♪ ♪ I’m in the land of pandering ♪ ♪ And I’ll be upfront ♪ ♪ I do what I do ‘Cause I’m a total fucking country boy ♪ [audience cheering] [music stops] You know, like, that genre. -[audience laughing] They’re lying to you. That’s all. They’re lying… Entertainers, they are lying and they are manipulating you. And it’s not in a good way. It’s like advertising. You deserve better. I’m not saying I’m it, but I’m the guy that says you deserve better. You go get better. You say, “Thank you, weird man. Bye.” Anyone watch celebrity lip-syncing on The Tonight Show, you know? -[audience cheering] -It’s the end of culture. Culture’s over, everybody. We lost. This is entertainment. How is this entertainment? People we’ve seen too much of mouthing along to songs we’ve heard too much of. And this the bread and butter of American television. And it’s always one of two things on celebrity lip-syncing. It’s either a male celebrity lip-syncing to a woman’s song… [laughs] “But he’s not…” Or it’s a rich, young white actress ironically lip-syncing to a hip-hop song. [laughs] [rapping] ♪ Fuck the police Coming straight from the underground ♪ Can you believe this song was once an honest articulation of class struggle? [laughs] Fuck these people. How dare they think that them fucking around is worthy of your attention? Them playing Pictionary? Your attention’s a valuable thing. I worked for three years to get it for an hour. And I barely get there. [silence] -See? -[audience laughing] [exhales] I saw a gorgeous… dick. I was in the public restroom. Some guys might be like me. I cannot use a urinal when there’s a guy beside me. I freeze up. So I have to use the stalls. In this case, all the stalls were taken. I had to use a urinal. There was a guy beside me. I took a little look. You’re not picturing this. All right. [dramatic music playing] -[angelic vocalization] -[audience laughing] The bit is over. I’m not talking into his dick now. I didn’t rip off his dick. And I’m now not talking into a severed dick. The show is a series of discrete bits. That one’s over. God, if you don’t get that… -[pounds piano keys] -[blows raspberry] Reset the momentum. I cannot be coasting off the inertia of past jokes. -[playing slow song] -[audience laughing] Need to earn it. Every bit should come out of a vacuum, eh? We all want love. How many single ladies out there looking for love tonight? [women in audience] Whoo! -Yeah. “Whoo” that sadness out. -[audience laughing] There’s more where that came from. Ladies, I know what you want. Want. Want. ♪ You want a guy that’s sweet A guy that’s tough ♪ ♪ A feminist who likes to pay for stuff ♪ ♪ The kinda guy that gets Along with your friends ♪ ♪ Without being attracted to any of them ♪ ♪ A good boy, a bad boy, a good bad boy ♪ ♪ A half-good, half-bad half-boy ♪ ♪ Loves your brother Sensitive but not weak ♪ ♪ And is a great lover Calls your mother on the weekend ♪ ♪ Though you might think That this guy only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But guess what? ♪ ♪ You’re right ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a few ♪ ♪ Because Prince Charming Would never settle for you ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a guy and love him ♪ ♪ And if he’s got a thing for feet ♪ ♪ Say fuck it, sweep me off them ♪ Now… the good thing is that, uh… At least men have very realistic expectations for women… he said, sarcastically setting up a second verse in a comedy song. ♪ You want a girl that’s nice A girl that’s not ♪ ♪ Obsessed with her looks But is insanely hot ♪ ♪ The kind of girl that you can Show to your folks ♪ ♪ Loves the movies that you like And always laughs at your jokes ♪ ♪ A real girl, a hot girl, A really hot girl ♪ ♪ A brand new really hot real doll ♪ ♪ Wants to impress you Doesn’t care if you notice ♪ ♪ And only ever uses you To tickle her throat with ♪ ♪ Though you might think that this girl Only exists in your mind ♪ ♪ But she’s real But last week, she died ♪ ♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Lower your expectations a lot ♪ ♪ You might think your dick is a gift I promise it’s not ♪ -[women in audience cheering] -♪ If you want love ♪ ♪ Just pick a girl and love her ♪ ♪ Then whip out your dick and Let the girl you love decline the offer ♪ ♪ I don’t want a neat freak I don’t want a slob ♪ ♪ Somebody with bedhead And a dead-end job ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I won’t settle for less ♪ ♪ Than perfect ♪ ♪ We want perfect children A perfect life ♪ ♪ Perfect husband or a perfect wife ♪ ♪ But deep down, we know ♪ ♪ We don’t deserve it ♪ [audience laughing] ♪ But ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ Even on the days When we aren’t our best ♪ ♪ ‘Cause we all suck ♪ ♪ But love can make us suck less ♪ ♪ We all deserve love ♪ ♪ It’s the very best part of being alive ♪ ♪ And I would know I just turned 25 ♪ [audience cheering] That’s young. [dramatic music playing] -[farts] -[audience laughing and applauding] Original does not mean good. Anyone can do anything. Don’t let me off the hook too easy. ♪ War, huh, good God, y’all ♪ ♪ What is it good for? ♪ ♪ Increasing domestic manufacturing ♪ -All right. Uh… -[audience cheering] I don’t want to get political ’cause I only know my own ideas of other people’s ideas. We just played in Alabama. They just like the lights. -I didn’t even need to do jokes. -[audience laughing] “Motherfucker’s got moving candles.” No, not quite. [clicks tongue] Alabama was actually nice. You’re elitist pricks. -[audience cheering] -Isn’t that fun? [scoffs] -[audience laughing] -Yeah, you like that. -[dramatic music playing] -[man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like when you’re high on marijuana. [suspenseful music playing] [inaudible] -[music stops] -[audience cheering and applauding] [dramatic music playing] [man] And now… what making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich feels like… when you’re shit-faced. [slow rock music plays] [inaudible] -[music stops, door opens] -[woman] Hey, baby, I’m home. -[door closes] -[keys jangling] -Honey, you okay? What’s wrong? -[inaudible] [stutters] Are you drunk? Have you been… You’ve been drinking, haven’t you? You’ve been fuck… You’re fucking wasted, aren’t… -[inaudible] -I can’t hear you. Speak into the microphone. I’m not. [woman] What’s behind your back? What’re you holding behind your back? -Itching. -Just… -Just don’t be– -Itchy back. What is… what’re you hiding behind your back? Just show me. It’s a jar of peanut butter, all right? Sue me. [woman] That’s mayonnaise. That is a jar of mayonnaise. That is not peanut butter. Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? Why are you holding a jar of mayonnaise? I’m not holding a jar of mayonnaise. -Touché, bitch. -You know what? I am fucking done with this shit, okay? I had to get up at 5:00 a.m. -I had to be at work at 6:00. -[plays piano keys] I had an exhausting day. I just wanna come home, unwind, relax, and I come home to a mess that I have to clean up– -[stutters] I’ll clean it up. -No, no! I will have to clean it up. Because you’ll make it worse if you try to, okay? -Yeah. -You know what? I’m fucking done with this. -Are you? -You are so immature. -She’s done. -I cannot leave you alone without you getting shit-faced. This is what I deal with Monday through… -Monday. -Who are you talking to right now? You just gestured to the sink. -What does that mean? -There’s an audience full of people. Okay, you know what? This bit is getting a little too weird and meta. Okay, we’re done with it. I agree. Where’s that going? Sometimes you don’t write an end to a bit, so you skip it. Before they know it, you’re on to the next thing. Guys, I was at the store recently. -[scattered cheers] -And, uh, no, I will save you time. I bought something. -[audience cheering] -No, no, no, no. No. Sit in silence. Do you guys know what continuity errors are? It’s where in one shot something’s one way, in another shot it’s another way. You know those things? -Anyway… -[audience laughing] [man] This comedy performance is brought to you in part by… -Sorry about this. -…Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. [rock music playing] -[man] ♪ Flamin’ Hot Cheetos ♪ ♪ They’re like regular Cheetos But they’re flamin’ hot ♪ ♪ Normal Cheetos are for pussies ♪ ♪ But Flamin’ Cheetos are not ♪ ♪ For pussies, that is ♪ They’re not sponsoring me. I’m just trying to get them to. -[audience laughing and applauding] -They’re not returning my calls. Evasively cheesy is more like it. Mmm. Label-less water. Nothing tastes better than not getting sued. I, uh… I don’t love my fans. I have to be… I don’t. You don’t want that… You don’t want that desperate, sort of cloying thing from an entertainer. “My fans, oh, they stick with me through everything, through thick and thin.” Do not stick with me through thick. If I stop entertaining you, throw me to the curb. You wouldn’t stick with your mechanic if he stopped fixing your car. I’m in a service industry. I’m just overpaid, okay? [audience laughing] And a lot of… I feel a lot of artists, pop artists especially, sort of infringe upon… responsibilities that just aren’t theirs, in terms of their audience, maintaining their audience at an emotional level. Some of you might be sad and going through things. I feel for that. Life is tough. I’m not gonna fix that with a song. Like “Brave” or “Roar.” You know these inspirational… What I’m trying to say… is don’t listen to a song… like this. – [playing upbeat song] -♪ Have you ever felt sad or lonely? ♪ ♪ Have you even felt two feet tall? ♪ ♪ Have you ever thought ♪ ♪ “Man, if only I was anybody else at all”? ♪ ♪ They like to kick you When times get rough ♪ ♪ Then you give your all But it’s not enough ♪ ♪ And sticks and stones Might break your bones ♪ ♪ But words can break your heart ♪ ♪ But if you don’t know where to go ♪ ♪ I’ll show you where to start ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ It will only take a minute And you’ll be happy that you did it ♪ ♪ Just go over to your oven And shove your head in it ♪ ♪ Kill yourself ♪ ♪ Really, you should do it There’s really nothing to it ♪ ♪ Just grab a mug And chug a cup of lighter fluid ♪     Okay. Now… -[audience laughing] -I feel like you pulled back. -[audience laughing] Maybe it’s on account of the fact that I’m telling you to kill yourself over and over again. I’m just trying to make a simple point. That these… That life’s toughest problems don’t have simple answers. You shouldn’t just be brave. You shouldn’t just roar. You shouldn’t kill yourself. But I understand that… it’s a sensitive subject and you’re probably just hearing me say that. And I’ve dealt with… I don’t want to be… Look. ♪ I sound un-empathetic ♪ ♪ I sound mean and rude ♪ ♪ Suicide is an epidemic ♪ ♪ And I don’t want to be misconstrued ♪ ♪ Signs of depression go overlooked ♪ ♪ So if you’re depressed ♪ ♪ Then you need to book A therapy session ♪ ♪ Talk about your depression ♪ ♪ And let a professional hear it ♪ ♪ But if you search for moral wisdom ♪ ♪ In Katy Perry’s lyrics, then ♪ -♪ Kill yourself ♪ -[audience cheering] ♪ It won’t be painful If you are able ♪ ♪ To give a little kiss To an oncoming train ♪ ♪ You’ll kill yourself ♪ ♪ It’s over, mull it ♪ ♪ There’s a trigger, pull it ♪ ♪ Get it through your head “It” being a bullet ♪ ♪ Stick your tongue in a plug ♪ ♪ Suck a pipe of exhaust ♪ ♪ Make some toast in the tub ♪ ♪ Nail yourself to a cross ♪ ♪ Hold your breath ’til it’s gone ♪ ♪ Drink a gallon of Mace ♪ ♪ Be gay in Iran ♪ -♪ Let Oprah sit on your face ♪ -[audience laughing] ♪ Jump off of a bridge ♪ ♪ Skinny dip in a flood ♪ ♪ Skydive attached to a fridge ♪ ♪ Drink a Haitian guy’s blood ♪ ♪ Break into the zoo ♪ ♪ Give the tiger a shove ♪ ♪ Eat a Phillips-head screw ♪ -♪ Marry Courtney Love ♪ -[audience laughing and cheering] Sorry. -Don’t kill yourself. -[audience laughing] I don’t like explaining jokes that… The joke where I tell everyone to kill themselves -might deserve an explanation. Do not! -[audience laughing] And if you’re offended, do not write a blog. I apologize immediately. Sorry! Right away! -[woman shouts indistinctly] -[man] Whoo! What’s that, ma’am? What did you say? This is your moment. Who said it? [audience laughing] Do not objectify me, okay? You think it’s okay just ’cause I’m a dude? You think it’s okay ’cause he’s a dude? That is homophobia. Just the fact that you find it funny. “Ooh, a guy said take off your pants. That’s not God’s way.” [laughs mockingly] Jesus Christ, you bigots. I, uh… Show’s been pretty rock and roll so far. You know, I know it. -And I… -[audience cheering] I’d love to keep it going, but life is not always rock and roll. I’m not gonna keep life out of my show. I went through a pretty rough… [chuckles] uh, breakup recently. It was a long time coming. Uh, we had a lot of conversations about it, she and I. But recently we had the conversation… It wasn’t recent, but I remember it like it was yesterday, you know? -[piano playing] -She came out of the shower, her hair wet, her shoulders wet. -It was a shower. It’s water. -[audience laughing] She turned to me and she said it… She said… [singing] ♪ It’s over ♪ ♪ We shouldn’t fight to stay together Just to fight again ♪ ♪ It’s over We’re unhappy ♪ ♪ We need to take a break From us to make us right again ♪ ♪ And even though it’s not gonna go Any further ♪ ♪ I swear I don’t regret a second of it ♪ ♪ And when the dust has settled ♪ ♪ I hope we can still be friends ♪ Then I said… -[rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ -[hip-hop music playing] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ ♪ Eat a fucking dick, like this ♪ ♪ Put on your dick-eating gloves ♪ ♪ Get ready to gobble a dick up ♪ ♪ If you don’t like this dick sitch ♪ ♪ Eat a dick, bitch ♪ -[piano playing] – [audience cheering and applauding] I think I made the right decision. [singing] ♪ Okay, you’re angry ♪ ♪ I can see that ♪ ♪ But you don’t need to make this harder Than it has to be ♪ ♪ I try to speak to you ♪ ♪ But you won’t listen– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ [singing] ♪ Hold on Please just let me– ♪ [rapping] ♪ Eat a dick ♪ Oh, my God. [singing] ♪ Honestly, are you fucking five? ♪ ♪ I am trying to talk this out ♪ ♪ You refuse to even listen to me ♪ [stutters] I’m saying how I’m feeling, okay? And then you’re saying… “eat a dick” over and over again. Does that seem mature to you? [rapping] ♪ No, it doesn’t But see, I think the issue is ♪ ♪ I’ve got my father’s temper ♪ ♪ And I’m emotionally inarticulate ♪ ♪ So rather than being honest And vulnerable ♪ ♪ I did a quick switch Because I’m hurting inside ♪ ♪ And I’m trying to hide it So eat a dick, man ♪ [sobbing] [voice breaking] I thought we had a future together, you fucking whore. [singing] ♪ I didn’t think You’d cry for me ♪ ♪ I didn’t think you cared ♪ ♪ I thought you were Lashing out in anger ♪ ♪ But now I see you’re scared ♪ ♪ I’m scared, too ♪ ♪ Maybe we can work this out ♪ ♪ And not break up ♪ [gasps] Really? [rapping] ♪ No, lick my clit ♪ ♪ Lick my motherfucking clit ♪ ♪ You think three lousy tears ♪ ♪ Offsets three years of shit? ♪ ♪ I deserve better than you ♪ ♪ Get me wetter, then screw ♪ ♪ Sorry you’re not what I need, hun ♪ ♪ Lick this clit then leave, son ♪ -[music stops] [audience cheering] Hey, if you guys are having a good time, make some silence. -[silence] -Cool. -[audience laughing] -Uh… What’s this show about? What am I talking about, you know? To… to summarize the show, though… Me! Me! Me! But… if you take one thing away from my show… I hope it’s a T-shirt. We’re selling them out there. This is all a front for the brand. But what is this show about? What do you think, industrial piping? -[air hissing] -Close. -[air hissing] -Stay out of it. [audience laughing] It’s about… Mute this. -But for real, what is it about? -[audience laughing] It’s about… performing… -I try to… -[person whistling] …make my show about other things, but it always ends up becoming about performing. I started performing very young, as a teenager, you know, professionally. And as a comedian, what you’re supposed to do… You’re supposed to talk about what you know. And what I knew always was performing. So to talk about… [chuckles] traffic or laundry felt incredibly disingenuous. But I worried that making a show about performing would be too meta. It wouldn’t be relatable to people that aren’t performers. But what I found is that I don’t think anyone isn’t. Could we get the house lights up for a second? And could you… Let the lights on stage… Let the artifice fade away. -Now we’re all the same. -[scattered cheers] -I mean, you’re all facing this way still. [audience laughs] You know, I look out at… I look out at you and, um… It’s a very diverse crowd. I mean, more European than I would’ve hoped, but… we’ll get there. If I look at the young people… You know, and I feel like… I was born in 1990 and I was sort of raised in America when it was a cult of self-expression. And I was just taught, you know, express myself and have things to say and everyone will care about them. And I think everyone was taught that and most of us found out no one gives a shit what we think. So we flock to performers by the thousands ’cause we’re the few that have found an audience. And then I’m supposed to get up here and say, “Follow your dreams,” as if this is a meritocracy? It is not, okay? I had a privileged life and I got lucky and I’m unhappy. [audience laughing] They say it’s… it’s like the me generation. It’s not. It’s not… [stammers] The arrogance is taught or it was cultivated. It’s… it’s self-conscious. That’s what it is. It’s the… It’s conscious of self… [stammers] Social media… it’s just the market’s answer to a generation that demanded to perform. So the market said, “Here, perform everything to each other all the time for no reason.” It’s prison, it’s horrific. It is performer and audience melded together. What do we want more than to lie in our bed at the end of the day and just watch our life as a satisfied audience member? I know very little about anything, but what I do know is that if you can live your life without an audience… you should do it. And now you’re thinking… “How the fuck are you gonna dig the show out of this weird hole?” Oh, you want me to be funny and make a point? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. -Batman. So… how do we do it? -[audience laughing] [cheering] We do it like this. I went to Kanye West’s recent tour, the Yeezus Tour. It was a big, dramatic, theatrical show. He did something very strange at the end of his show where he ranted… for, like, 20 minutes. It was kind of a rant, kind of a song. He had auto-tune on his voice and there was an instrumental in the background… -[instrumental music playing] -…like this instrumental. He talked about his problems… race… power. His $90 T-shirts weren’t selling very well. That was most of it. And I watched this. I thought maybe I could do this. I’ll be honest, my problems are not as high-stakes as Kanye’s, but I have problems. And maybe a crowd in New York would be nice enough to indulge me. So as we get to the end of a night of theater… and comedy and sweaters coming on and off, I got one question for you… And that question is… [with auto-tune] ♪ Can I say my shit, New York? ♪ ♪ Can I say my shit? ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ ♪ I got lots of shit to say ♪ [vocalizing] [audience cheering] ♪ I can’t fit my hand Inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I have a huge amount of trouble Fitting my hand inside of a Pringle can ♪ ♪ I can get my hand Like four inches into the can ♪ ♪ But then I have to tilt the can Into my mouth ♪ ♪ But by that point a bunch of crumbs have Accumulated at the bottom of the can ♪ ♪ So they all go Spilling onto my face ♪ ♪ What I’m trying to say Is the diameter of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Is way too small ♪ ♪ I’ll say it again ♪ ♪ The diameter of Pringle cans Is way too small ♪ ♪ Two radiuses of a Pringle can Is way too small ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ ♪ Come on ♪ ♪ If you feel me Put your hands up ♪ [audience cheering] ♪ Look at all these hands That are way too big ♪ ♪ To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside of Pringle cans ♪ ♪ Your hands are too big To fit inside a Pringle can ♪ ♪ You think you can ♪ ♪ I know you can’t You think you can ♪ ♪ Pringles, listen to the people ♪ ♪ I’m sure 90% Of the complaint letters you get ♪ ♪ Are about the width of your cans ♪ Just… make ’em wider. [audience laughing] I’ve overdone the Pringles thing. Sorry. ♪ I wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ Wanna have a daughter ♪ ♪ So I can finally have Someone around the house ♪ ♪ Who can fit their hands In a Pringle can ♪ ♪ Yes, I’m still On the Pringle cans thing ♪ Yeah. I’ll… I’ll move on, all right? ♪ But that is priority numero uno ♪ ♪ I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ [echoing] ♪ …body… ♪ ♪ But I’m self-conscious About my body ♪ ♪ ‘Cause I don’t go to the gym ♪ ♪ Irony can be so painful ♪ ♪ That’s a catch-22 ♪ [vocalizing] ♪ Let’s do this ♪ ♪ I went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Went to Chipotle ♪ ♪ Got myself a chicken burrito ♪ -[trills] -[audience laughs] ♪ I went down the line I got, like, all these ingredients ♪ ♪ And then at the end of the line The guy tried to wrap the burrito ♪ ♪ But half of the shit Inside the burrito spilled out ♪ ♪ He still wrapped it ♪ ♪ I was, like “Dude, you should have warned me ♪ ♪ You’re a burrito expert ♪ ♪ You should have told me Halfway through ♪ ♪ ‘Hey, man, you might be reaching Maximum burrito capacity here’ ♪ ♪ Do you think I want a messy burrito? ♪ ♪ No one wants a messy burrito” ♪ ♪ The whole appeal of a burrito Is that all of the ingredients ♪ ♪ Are contained Within the confines of the tortilla ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have gotten half this shit ♪ ♪ If I knew it wasn’t gonna fit In the burrito, all right? Look… ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got Half of it ♪ ♪ Like, I’m okay with small mistakes ♪ ♪ If you got no more chicken I’ll take pork ♪ ♪ But I’ll blow my dad Before I eat a burrito with a fork ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Man, I wouldn’t have got Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it, like ♪ ♪ Half of it, like Half of it ♪ ♪ Right now, I think it’s time ♪ ♪ I think it’s time That we break it down ♪ [audience cheering and applauding] [vocalizing] [babbles] [audience laughing] ♪ I can sit here and pretend ♪ ♪ Like my biggest problems Are Pringle cans ♪ [sighs] ♪ And burritos ♪ ♪ The truth is My biggest problem’s you ♪ ♪ I wanna please you ♪ ♪ But I wanna stay true to myself ♪ ♪ I wanna give you the night out That you deserve ♪ ♪ But I wanna sing what I think ♪ ♪ And not care What you think about it ♪ ♪ A part of me loves you ♪ ♪ A part of me hates you ♪ ♪ A part of me needs you ♪ ♪ A part of me fears you ♪ ♪ And I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right now ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Look at them They’re just staring at me ♪ ♪ Like, “Come and watch The skinny kid ♪ ♪ With a steadily declining Mental health” ♪ ♪ And laugh as he attempts to give you What he cannot give himself ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of this right ♪ ♪ But they don’t even know The half of it ♪ ♪ But I know I’m not a doctor ♪ ♪ I’m a pussy I put on a silly show ♪ ♪ I should probably just shut up ♪ ♪ And do my job So here I go ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got the lettuce If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the cheese If I knew it wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ Wouldn’t have got the peppers If I knew they wouldn’t fit ♪ ♪ I wouldn’t have got half ♪ ♪ You can tell them anything ♪ ♪ If you just make it funny Make it rhyme ♪ ♪ And if they still don’t understand you ♪ ♪ Then you’ll run it one more time ♪ ♪ I don’t think That I can handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ Oh! ♪ ♪ Handle this right ♪ ♪ But you don’t even know The half of this right now ♪ ♪ Right now ♪ ♪ Ha! ♪ ♪ Now ♪ ♪ Handle this right Handle this right ♪ ♪ Handle this right now ♪ Thank you. Good night. I hope you’re happy.     [audience cheering and applauding] [microphone thuds] [cheering stops] Oh, good, it’s just us. [playing piano] ♪ Now the show is done ♪ ♪ I hope that you had gut trembling Or something resembling fun ♪ ♪ And if you watch this thing alone ♪ ♪ You probably didn’t laugh ♪ ♪ But maybe a few times You exhaled out of your nose ♪ [exhales] ♪ But if you hated it, that’s fair ♪ ♪ But either way ♪ ♪ Could you find a little more time For a parting questionnaire? ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to zero ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ ‘Cause you’re on your own from here ♪ ♪ So, are you happy? ♪ ♪ I’m open to suggestions ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ But what the fuck kind of question is “Am I happy?” ♪ ♪ I really wanna try to get happy And I think that I could get it ♪ ♪ If I didn’t always panic Every time I’m unhappy in life ♪ ♪ I’m owed some life Where I’m always, like, happy ♪ ♪ Which is stupid ’cause I wouldn’t even want it if I got it ♪ ♪ Wait, oh, God, my dad was right ♪ ♪ So if you know Or ever knew how ♪ ♪ To be happy ♪ ♪ On a scale from one to two now ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ You’re everything you hated ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ ♪ Hey, look, Ma I made it ♪ ♪ Are you happy? ♪ [instrumental music playing]"
1686242693-352,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: SNL Monologue (2020) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-snl-monologue-2020-transcript/,"Original air date: November 07, 2020      [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen — Dave Chappelle! [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. [Cheers and applause] Thank you all for being here. [Cheers and applause] Pretty incredible day. [Cheers and applause] You know, you know what I was thinking about all day today? This is really weird. First of all, I’m nervous. I should tell you that. You can’t tell, but, all inside. I was thinking about a person I never actually met, but I heard about all my life. I was thinking about my great grandfather, who apparently, by all accounts, was a very great man. He was born a slave in South Carolina. Was a slave for ten years of his life. And when the northerners came down, they started educating some of the newly freed black children, and he learned how to read. Got enamored with education and dedicated his life to three things: Education, freedom of black people, Jesus Christ. Became a juggernaut in the AME Church. It was a pretty amazing story my great grandfather had, and I thought about him all day today because I wish I could see him now. And I wish he could see me, because I wonder what he would say. This week I flew to New York on a private jet to host the Saturday Night Live. Netflix started streaming a show that bears his name, The Chappelle Show. And HBO Max is streaming it. And I didn’t get paid for any of it. [Laughter] Yeah, if he could see me now he’d probably be like, “this n i g g a got bought and sold more than I have.” [Laughter] [applause] This morning after the results came in, got a text from a friend of mine in London. And she said, “The world feels like a safer place now that America has a new president.” And I said, “That’s great, but America doesn’t. [Laughter] Do you guys remember what life was like before Covid? I do. There was a mass shooting every week. Anyone remember that? Thank god for Covid. [Laughter] Someone had to lock these murderous whites up, keep them in the house. [Laughter and applause] All summer long, you know what I’ve been doing? I’ve been doing shows in Ohio. I live in a small town in Ohio. And a lot of these small towns in America was dying. My town was dying. So what I did is I did shows in my neighbor’s cornfield, and these shows were very successful and may have even helped save the town. Ain’t that something? [Cheers and applause] And the local farmers, my neighbors, started to complain that my shows were too noisy. In a cornfield! [Laughter] Too noisy in a cornfield. I had to have a whole town meeting about how noisy I was being in the cornfield. It was so embarrassing. [Laughter] I resented it. I resented that these country farmers could decide a guy like me’s fate. People don’t deserve to do that. They haven’t seen enough, they don’t know anything. They probably watch me right now, they are probably at home like, “HONEY, COME QUICK, COME QUICK, THE GUY FROM THE GROCERY STORE IS ON TELEVISION!” [Laughter] “No, you big dummy. The guy from television is at the grocery store.” [Laughter]
 [cheers and applause] Kind of guy that probably has an account on farmersonly.com. You ever heard of that website? Farmersonly.com. A website that begs the question, what kind of bitch only smashes with farmers? [Laughter] That’s gross. They had a whole Zoom meeting about me. I didn’t talk on the meeting, I was just listening, managed to hear them talk about me. They’re saying, “Man, I’m trying to put my children to bed. And I keep hearing this guy screaming all night. My kids are trying to sleep, and all they hear is the “n” word.” I said, “Was I saying it, or were you?” [Laughter and applause] Hear that twang in his voice. You know that twang where you hear that accent, like “Oooh, I know he doesn’t wear his mask.” [Laughter] I don’t know why poor white people don’t like wearing masks. What is the problem? You wear masks at the Klan rally, wear it to the Walmart too. [Moans and applause] Wear your Klan hood at Walmart so we can all feel safe. [Laughter] In a state like in Ohio, for instance, right, people make more money from their stimulus checks than they do if they work. So a lot of people don’t wanna work. You know what it reminded me of? Ronald Reagan. Well, you a black fellow, you a young fellow, though, you don’t know about Ronald Reagan. You remember what Ronald Reagan used to say about black people, how we’re welfare people, and drug addicts? Who does that sound like now? [Laughter] Stimulus checks, the heroin. And the rest of the country is trying to move forward, and these white n i g g a s keep holding us back. [Cheers and applause]     Don’t even want to wear your mask because it’s oppressive. Try wearing the mask I been wearing all these years! I can’t even tell something true unless it has a punchline behind it. You guys aren’t ready. You’re not ready for this. You don’t know how to survive yourselves. Black people, we’re the only ones that know how to survive this. Whites come, hurry, quick, come get your n i g g a lessons. [Laughter] You need us. You need our eyes to save you from yourselves. Remember when white people and black people couldn’t be together? There was just white people alone in the club dancing? You ever seen that old footage? How did they look? [Laughter] This is what they look like at the back! You need some black eyes to look at you like — “Uh-uh! Hmmm, stop doin that.” [Laughter] Now Trump is gone. [Cheers and applause] A lot of people don’t like him, but I thought the guy was at least an optimist. I am not as optimistic as he was. I look at it like, there’s bad people on both sides? [Light laughter] All right, just trying it out. [Laughter] Called the coronavirus the kung flu. I said, you racist — hilarious son of a bitch. I’m supposed to say that, not you! [Laughter] It’s wrong when you say it. Saw him on a press conference one time, Donald Trump’s a wild guy, you ever see this? He was on a press conference, tried to guess the cure of the coronavirus in front of the whole world. It’s a wild thing to do. “What about a very powerful light? Directly in the body?” I say, what? Did this man just suggest that I put sunshine directly in my body? Well, that’s insane! He went further. “What about some bleach? Some bleach directly in your body.” I said, oh, boy. Secret service is gonna have to childproof the White House now, he’s gonna try to drink the bleach! “Mr. President, don’t touch that stove, it’s hot. Turn those scissors around if you’re going to run around the house like this, Mr. President.” [Laughter] Scariest part about that — one of the leading virologists in the world was sitting as close as you are to me, and she just watched him say it. It was crazy. Her face was looking like, “He might be right.” [Laughter] I saw that, I said, “Oh, that’s why — that’s why. That’s why women make half.” [Moans and laughter] Did I trigger you? [Laughter] I don’t know what it is. Half, maybe 70%, whatever it is, it’s too much. [Laughter] I’m sorry, Lorne, I thought we were having a comedy show. It’s like a woke meeting in here. [Laughter] And after all of that you know what he did? You know what Trump did after all that stuff? Went out and got the coronavirus. Wasn’t that something? [Laughter] You know, when he got coronavirus, they said everything about it on the news. But you know what they didn’t say? That it was hilarious. [Laughter] It was hilarious. Trump getting coronavirus was like when Freddie Mercury got AIDS. Nobody was like, “Well, how did he get it?” [Laughter]
 [applause] This guy’s running around like the outbreak monkey. Looked like a 1970s penis, raw-dogging earth. [Laughter] The day after, he made fun of Joe Biden’s mask. “This guy wears the biggest mask I’ve ever seen!” Which is a ridiculous thing — Joe Biden’s mask wasn’t any bigger than everybody else’s mask, Mr. President. [Laughter] Lucky for the rest of the country though, he had a good health care plan, didn’t he? Some good coverage. Helicopter picked him up. [Laughter] Right in his front yard. Helicopter came. Remember that video? He’s walking to the helicopter all by himself? No one wanted to be around him. Usually he’s walking to the helicopter with a bunch of people. No one’s around him this time, because you know, you know, he had the rona. [Laughter] Had his mask on then, didn’t he? He’s walking. [Laughter] Helicopter took him to Walter Reed hospital. You know, I’m from D.C. and I got to tell you, Walter Reed is not close to the White House, but you can walk. [Laughter] Team of doctors was waiting for him, all the doctors came around, gave him experimental medicine and stuff, and flew him back home in the helicopter. And then he walked right up the steps — you ever seen this video? — he took his mask off, saluted the helicopter, and then he walked right in the house, killed four more people. [Laughter] I said, 700 dollars and 50 cents in taxes goes a long way, doesn’t it, sir? [Laughter] Some cold stuff, man. That’s some cold stuff. That would be like me going to the homeless shelter with a bag full of hamburgers and saying, “These is mines.” [Laughter] And then just start eating in front of all the homeless. “Don’t let hunger dictate your life!” [Laughter]
 [applause] That was cold, man. Meanwhile, Chris Christie‘s fat ass is in the ICU, fighting for his life. [Laughter] Chris Christie got all the fixins. Everything coronavirus likes to eat, that’s what’s in Chris Christie’s body. Fat, check. Asthma, check. Diabetes, check. Coronavirus like, mmm-mmm! Herman Cain‘s black ass has been dead for two weeks! Where’s his secret serum? That’s your leader! Think about that. For four years. That’s your leader. What kind of man does that? What kind of man makes sure he’s okay while his friends fight for their lives and die? A white man. And I don’t mean to put this on the whites, but I’ve been black a longtime, I’ve noticed a pattern…[Laughter] But if you’re a good white, and you actually want to help, then join me. I’m not even joking. This is my plan. It’s called the kindness conspiracy. Random acts of kindness for black people. Do something nice for a black person — just because they’re black. And you got to make sure they don’t deserve it. [Laughter] It’s a very important part of it. They can’t deserve it. The same way all them years they did terrible things to black people just because they’re black — and they didn’t deserve it. If you driving through the hood one day and you see a black dude standing on the corner, selling crack, destroying his community… buy him an ice cream. Just buy him some ice cream. He’ll be suspicious… but he’ll take it. [Laughter]
 [cheers and applause] I would implore everybody who’s celebrating a day to remember, it’s good to be a humble winner. Remember when I was here four years ago? Remember how bad that felt? Remember that half the country right now still feels that way. Please remember that. Remember that for the first time in the history of America, the life expectancy of white people is dropping. Because of heroin, because of suicide. All these white people out there that feel that anguish, that pain, they are mad because they think nobody cares, and maybe they don’t. Let me tell you something. I know how that feels. I promise you, I know how that feels. If you’re a police officer, and every time you put your uniform on, you feel like you’ve got a target on your back, you’re appalled by the ingratitude that people have when you would risk your life to save them — Oh, man, believe me, believe me, I know how that feels. Everyone knows how that feels. But here’s the difference between me and you. You guys hate each other for that. And I don’t hate anybody. I just hate that feeling. That’s what I fight through. That’s what I suggest you fight through. You got to find a way to live your life. You got to find a way to forgive each other. You got to find a way to find joy in your existence in spite of that feeling. And if you can’t do that — come get these n i g g a lessons. Thank you very much and good night! [Cheers and applause] ♪♪♪"
1686241399-25,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts (2011) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/daniel-tosh-happy-thoughts-transcript/,"[Rock music] ¶ ¶ [cheers and applause] Thank you… San Francisco. All right, you’re ruining the show. [cheers and applause continue] Thank you… For clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Oh, San Francisco. Yes. [cheers and applause] Oh… My third favorite city to do comedy in. Huh? That’s not bad, right? Top ten. Congratulations. Aw, more butt-f*cking per square foot than in any place in the world. That’s you guys. That’s you. [cheers and applause] Put that on your postcards. “San Francisco: “more butt-f*cking per square foot. Miss you.” All right. If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It’s how I know I still have one. All right. I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country except for the fact that they don’t serve on jury duty. That’s horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah. [cheers and applause] Then it finally would be a jury of one’s own peers. [crowd groaning] [laughter and applause] It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke is called “Latinos are criminals.” that’s just the title. It doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes before I walk on stage, my girlfriend might say, “have a good show. Break a leg.” this is what she said to me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage. She goes, “hey, you ever worry about getting shot when you’re out there?” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with you?” She followed it with, “you should move around more.” Uh, you should go back to reading your vampire books. [laughter and cheers] I should move around more? As if a sniper would get frustrated. Like… “I can’t keep up. He lives.” A lot of times, people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I’ve never had that complaint. And I think it’s because I never want to go anywhere. So I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending that I don’t want to kill myself. Yeah. [cheers and applause] She’ll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, “oh, my goodness. You are so patient.” And I’ll be like, “for what? You look disgusting.” right? Yeah. Now she’s crying. Whatever. I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. Yeah. Yeah. It’s not like she’s gonna break up with me. She’s ten years younger. She’s one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that. I have a television show. Yeah. The power in our household has shifted dramatically. Now, if you’re following me on Twitter, you know I had diarrhea today. Am I using that website properly? Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse. “we’re listening.” it’s nice, right? You can turn around. You can lean on the tank. I’m gonna be here for a while. Yeah, the people that are clapping right now, they’re the ones like, “okay, all kidding aside, “he is a genius. “No, no, no, no. It’s the simplicity. “I’ve been sitting on that thing my whole life. “You’re telling me I could turn around, “have a bowl of cereal, yeah? “Set the alarm ten minutes later. Multitask.” All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet. “but I’m lactose intolerant, and I’ve always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk.” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. Somebody emailed me, and they’re like, “hey, dipshit–” which, for the record, is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails. Oh, let’s see what this nice fan has to say. You had me at “hello.” They’re like, “you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards?” [laughter] Touché. All right, so I don’t research. It’s a pre-shower [bleep], agreed? Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail? You ever have a post-shower [bleep]? Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over. Things are wrong. That’s not the order of events. There’s a glitch in the matrix. This world’s not real. Mom! Wipe me! [laughter and cheers] I recently started flat-ironing my ball hair. Come on, ladies. You know how it is. If you have curly hair, you just want straight hair. So now when people see my balls, it’s like, “oh, my goodness. “that looks really, really good. Isn’t that damaging to the hair?” And I’m like, “yeah, but what are you gonna do?” I wish Victoria Beckham would knock it off with all the cute dos. I can’t keep up. My balls still have the ’06 posh. Remember that little trendy little cut? Posh spice? Looks like my testicles. Okay? Am I the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don’t know who’s in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them’s out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? Oh. If there’s a man in here that’s junk doesn’t wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together– this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level, it’s art, you monkey, okay? You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Can you imagine if they had a child? ¶ Ahh ¶ was that Simba? What the f*ck? Was that Simba? That’s the Beckham-Pitt kid? That’s “pittkham”? The most beautiful child the world has ever seen. Picture baby Jesus with better abs. That’s a good-looking baby. If they had a baby Abercrombie store, they’d hire him to work the front door, right? Just standin’ there shirtless, propped up. He can’t stand yet. Just leaning against the wall. Big poster, big poster of himself just standing in little tight pampers. And you’d walk in, and you’d be like, “I don’t want to say this, but I want to f*ck that baby.” oh, man! Do I want to f*ck that baby! If I had three wishes, two of ’em would be to f*ck that baby and one would be for more wishes. “well, you can’t do that.” then I want to f*ck the baby a third time. I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby. Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn’t have a plausible premise. Oh, I’d love to read your email. “I felt you went over the line a bit “when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child.” [laughter and applause] [cheers and applause] – Heads up, Mormons, this joke’s gonna sting.     [laughter] Next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let’s not base your entire life on a religion that’s old enough for my dad to be like, “oh, yeah. That’s not true. “Uh, that didn’t happen. “I don’t know why they’re wearing their pajamas “under their clothes. I assume their god wants them to be comfy.” the Mormon church spent $20 million last year in the state of California making sure queers didn’t legally get married– successfully, I might add. So I guess we’re not as liberal as we all thought. And this is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like god’s gonna let ’em into heaven. Okay? So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates just going, “yeah. [cheers and applause] You’re not getting in here, f*ggots!” [grunts] [laughter and applause] Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl that came running home from school, uh, and, uh, she’d be like, “mommy, “mommy, mommy, the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.” and they’re like, “what are you gonna do when your kid says that?” [laughter] and every parent in California is like, “whoa, we’re gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry, queers. Nope.” Yeah. That’s Esperanza’s job. [cheers and applause] So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah, and I want her to come running home and be like, “mommy, mommy, mommy, how come you’re nine years older than me?” Yeah. Because we learned math, and this doesn’t add up. “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy–” she’s calling out to all of her mothers. And they start coming out of the cabinets in their little house on the prairie outfits trying to explain how open-minded they really are. Compared to who, the Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? [laughter] Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I wanna cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I’m like, “ho, ho, f*ck that. Fill it up. Fill it up.” no, no. I’m not gonna ride around in a buggy. It’s bad enough I have a four-cylinder. But I would like a fireless fireplace. I don’t know how you did it, Amish. Apparently, you partnered up with the wiccans because that is magical. [laughter] you know the economy’s in the toilet when the Amish can afford full-page ads in every paper. Apparently, butter is recession-proof. Does anyone in here know what I’m even talking about at this point? The Amish, they make this fireplace that doesn’t plug in. There’s no fire, but it’s pumping out heat. I assume there’s a hamster in there losing his mind. It’s no snuggie, but it’s a great product. Yeah, somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift. Ha, the joke’s on you. I enjoy it. [laughter] Yeah. Huh. I toss and turn at night. Finally, a blanket that’s like, “nuh-uh, I’m gonna keep you warm.” [laughter] It’s like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson. The perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift is that’s all I received, was one sage green snuggie, when, in fact, I know it comes with two snuggies and two book lights. Those are $20 values. Where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yeah. You have until Christmas, or I’m coming to your house and ripping 3/4 of your fathead off your wall. Not big ben. Yeah. Ben shouldn’t be in the bathroom with anyone. [laughter and applause] Speaking of quarterbacks, uh, Brett Favre– I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind? He makes $12 million a year to play a game. “yeah, I’m gonna keep playing.” “Hey, Brett, the whole world thinks you should retire.” “you said $12 million, right? Yeah, they can go f*ck themselves.” [laughter and applause] I would never quit, are you kidding me? What about in four years? He’s not good enough to be a starter, but he could be a backup in the NFL. Do you know what that pays? About $4 to $5 million. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that.” how about ten years? Not good enough to be a backup. But he could be on the practice squad. Do you know what that pays? About $850,000. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that as well. I’ll play forever.” it’d make the game more enjoyable if people weren’t allowed to retire. Athletes don’t wanna quit either. See some 70-year-old return a punt, like, “oh…” he gets hit, he explodes, he dies on the field with some honor. Yeah. And sports needs steroids. It does. Are you kidding me? Oh, baseball, certainly. Baseball’s a strike away from being soccer. Yeah. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment, so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end zero-zero is not enjoyable unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. [cheers and applause] […] Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle either. Let’s hit the ball deep. Don’t worry about your records either. For every superstar that has done steroids, a billion double “a” boys have juiced up, so the playing field is plenty even. We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me? Where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that? [cheers and applause] Oh. I’d love to know how many homers the babe would have hit had c.c. Been throwing him 92-mile-an-hour sliders. Yeah. Maybe the fat boy would have put the cigar down and quit pointing had Jose been allowed to swim 90 miles to throw him a junk ball. Don’t worry if you don’t follow. 90 miles is the distance from key west to Cuba, Jose’s a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and a junk ball’s an impossible pitch to hit yard anyplace except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke. The point… Is the record books might look a little different had our country not been founded by racists. That’s all. And I love that in 2010, you’re still not allowed to shit on the founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They were a bunch of racist f*cking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just hope when they were signing the declaration of independence, they shot each other a glance. “all men are created equal. “you know what we mean. [laughs sarcastically] Now get me some hot coffee, boy.” [laughter] Oh… At least we’re not women, right, fellas? Oh, jeez. What is that like? Is it horrible? Is it awful… To know you’re number two? By the way, these aren’t my beliefs. It’s my observations on the world I live in. If it changes, I’ll adjust the material accordingly. Cool. I like it when you try to rationalize it. “No, it’s great being a woman. Free drinks is worth not having equality.” [laughter] Listen, you’re in a great country to be number two, because at least in America, it’s close, right? Men are here. Women are here. Some countries, it’s like this and house cat is right there. Ho-ho. That is a bad country to be a woman in. Don’t get lost in a hike there. You’ll end up on YouTube without a head, and there’s no web redemption for that. [cheers and applause] […]     I gave a commencement speech recently at a high school, and that didn’t go well at all. A bunch of high-school kids, parents that are proud of them, and I’m belittling the entire thing. And the administration got really upset with me. They’re like, “oh, uh, we didn’t know you weren’t gonna take it seriously.” To which I replied, “really? “You thought this was where I was gonna get serious? High school, how did you do it?” [laughter] No. I refuse to give that generic speech. “As I look out here, I see future lawyers and doctors.” I gave the real speech. “there’s felons here. [laughter] Some of you will die in a d.u.I. Accident tonight.” Oh, I’m sorry. Explain to me why a dose of reality before community college is a bad thing, because I certainly don’t need to pander to the 1%. They don’t need my little pep rally. They’re gonna be just fine. Nobody’s been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because of the commencement address. Excuse me? No, no, it just clicked. “So you’re saying I can be anything? “Oh, yeah, that sounds way better than “what I was gonna do. I like this guy.” Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker.” You mean, you’re stupid. [laughter] Oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter minus my god-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s. [laughter] I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter here this evening. I assume your best work is in the a.m. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon. [laughter] Hang in there, it gets worse. [laughter and applause] You ever hear this expression? “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” Uh, I’ll call b.s. [laughter] I’ve watched the deadliest catch on discovery. I’ve never once been at work, capsized into 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die and be like, “hey, at least we’re f*ckin’ fishin’.” Huh? Am I right, criminals? I mean, crew? [applause] […] “There’s no excuse for domestic violence.” It sounds like a challenge. [laughs] I mean, does everything have to be so black and white in this kindergarten country of ours? “There’s no excuse.” What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids? She’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? “Unfortunately, no. There’s no excuse. Gonna have to let her drown that third one.” What if you ask her to DVR the game, but she forgets to record the half-hour show afterwards just in case it goes into overtime? The point is there’s a gray area. Yeah. And I’m pretty sure my girlfriend found mine about two weeks ago. I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN HD. And then she says, “well, at least you still get to watch it.” oh, yeah, yeah. No, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don’t even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend. [audience ohs] We have a rule in my house. If I’m ashamed, it doesn’t count. You gotta plow a four to appreciate an eight. [laughter] That’s my mantra. Yeah. I’ll come home from a road trip and be like, “you are so beautiful.” She’s like, “oh, you must have been with a pig this weekend.” I don’t cheat on her. It’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my girlfriend. I… Hate being in a relationship, but I’m faithful. That’s the rule. You want your relationship to work, you have to be faithful. Uh, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, they thought they were above that simple rule. They’re not. Nobody is. And you can’t explain it to women either, like– my girlfriend’ll be like, “oh, my goodness, like, you really wanna hook up with some skank?” oh, oh, whoa. It’s not you versus skank, honey. It’s you versus every skank. Do you see how the scale shifts in the other direction at that point? It’s like, she’s a mighty spartan warrior. But there’s all these Persian whores… That will eventually kill her. [laughter] She gets the message. [laughter] […] I hate tattoos. That being said, I have a few. Every year on my birthday, I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. [laughter] You can’t tell me that’s not gonna be a beautiful work of art when it’s finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can’t figure it out. They’re like, “what the hell are these things?” I’m like, “it’s your future. Read the chart.” They don’t stop growing. They’re like earlobes. [laughter] That joke was inspired by a door that wasn’t locked when I was 11. [laughter] […] How about those winter Olympics? They were exciting, weren’t they? Finally, we got to figure out which country can slide down a hill faster. Not Georgia. [audience ohs] ooh. Oh, I’m sorry. Big luge fans, are you, here in San Fran? Take that luge seriously, don’t you? The winter Olympics are pointless. I’ll say it. Are you kidding me? I assume the only reason we have them is so white people feel relevant in sports, because other than that, the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids? What’s it cost to go skiing? $900 a day? “oh, I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.” hmm. “Hey, latrell, you wanna play basketball today?” “no, man, I’m going to Breckenridge.” “oh. “lah-dee uncle tom dah. Latrell’s going to Breckenridge.” [laughter] I hate the summer games, for that matter. I just don’t want parents to be rewarded for encouraging their kids to forfeit their entire childhood perfecting a sport no one cares about for 3 years and 11 months at a time, then for one month, I got to act as if the vault affects my patriotism. It doesn’t. I hope you miss the jump and rib cage it. Yeah. Do that for old glory. Enjoy your eating disorder, ask your mom why you stopped growing at 4’3″, and remember, every guy says hammertoe’s a deal breaker. I’m not touching your feet, Mary Lou. They’re disgusting. [cheers and applause] And how bad is that medal ceremony? Ugh. It’s horrible. I hate our f*ckin’ anthem. The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? “What are you listening to?” “Oh, the national anthem. “I love it. It just really gets me jazzed up.” I want my own country. If one of my athletes medals, oh-ho-ho, it’s gonna be great, because my national anthem’s gonna be 32 minutes long just so bronze and silver go, “what the f*ck? How long is this?” it’s like, “knock it off, losers. “You’re being very disrespectful. There’s a nine-minute guitar solo coming.” “Was that November Rain?” [laughter] I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country– that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? [laughs]     [cheers and applause] Are you out of your mind? Swimming? You mean that thing you instinctively do before you die? “Yeah, but he’s really fast. It’s… It’s pretty heroic.” The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant‘s publicist, because Kobe was accused of rape. And all he had to do was settle in civil court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number, win a championship, and that soulless town in L.A. couldn’t be prouder. Yeah, I just hope when parents let their kids run around in number 24 jerseys, they have the decency to be like, “oh, come on. Number eight was the rapist. [laughter] “24 just has a great work ethic. And an unblockable turnaround.” [laughter] [cheers and applause] […] Kangaroos can’t hop backwards. It’s not very funny, but you learned something. I don’t care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that. You’ll be in Australia nine years from now. Your friend will get attacked by a kangaroo, and you’ll instinctively yell, “get behind him. “Wait, how did I know to say that? “How did I know to say that? “Am I a wizard? “have I always been a wizard? Well, then why don’t I have a demon?” [scattered laughter] I love snapple facts. I wish they would hire me. I’d give ’em facts. They’d be silly. Like, babies aren’t dishwasher-safe. People would be like, “oh, my goodness. “Who doesn’t know this? “well, I guess if they keep one baby out of the dishwasher, “they’re doing a good thing over there. Thanks, summer peach.” I prefer the teas. This is my impression of Johnny Depp before he leaves his house at night. If you don’t know, johnny Depp’s 48 years old. I assume it goes like this. “Hold on, guys, I’ll be right with you. “I have to put on another bracelet. “I only have six on. I want to wear seven tonight. “I know you’re in a hurry, “but I have to make sure my belt is askew “and my handkerchief is just so, because I’m almost 50, and I love accessories.” Cool should have a cutoff. And my vote is 48. […] I like watching movies on DVD. I don’t need all the extras. I don’t need to see alternate endings. They’re never that different. They’re just longer, a few more swear words, and a boob that the general public couldn’t handle. If you’re gonna give me alternate endings, you better blow me away. Let me watch the mighty ducks with my nephew. Yeah, we watched the alternate ending where they lose the hockey game. Then they go back to the locker room. They start doing blow and jerking off on each other. Emilio’s dead in the shower. You’re like, “holy cow. Whoa. “Did you see the alternate ending? “No, no, no, they went “in a completely different direction. “I think Disney was smart with the original. That alternate ending was a little too heavy for the kids.” That’s Disney, always sneaking in subliminal stuff in our movies. Did you know there’s a penis on the little mermaid box? You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere. God, I love that fish half. Liberal. […] A little girl was killed in my neighborhood recently, which is sad, but it happens, not usually in white neighborhoods, but it happens. I think there’s a pie chart that proves that somewhere. Small sliver, safer. She was killed on a street where people had been complaining for years that cars drive too fast. So reactive in nature as everyone is, after the horrible accident, they had a bunch of speed bumps put in. And I thought, “wow, what a horrible way for their family to remember every time they drive down that road.” Ba-boom. [whimpers] “Natalie! “Your mother and I miss you so much. “But you are really doing a number on our suspension. “No, honey, I told you we should have leased this car. “Even in the afterlife, she makes us fight. Good riddance.” Yeah, you see what happened there? In the beginning of this made-up story, you felt bad for the family. Now, at the end, you realize they weren’t fit parents to begin with. We’ve all grown. Let’s move on to some nonfiction. Do you remember when that kid was killed at six flags, had his head cut off by the roller coaster? Oh, man, the first thing that went through my mind was, “wow, how am I gonna make this funny for everybody?” Here goes. If you don’t remember the story, he was on a church youth group. He was on a roller coaster ride. His hat blew off. After the ride was over, he’s like, “I’m gonna go get my hat.” And there was a big fence with signs on it that probably said, “hey, cut your losses.” And he’s like, “what? “have you seen me in that hat? Not today, fence.” And he went over it. And there was a second fence with more signs. Like, “come on, knock it off.” He’s like, “you can’t tell me how to live, signs.” And he went over that fence. And on the other side, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I’d like to think he did. Right? A small silver lining. Like, “I told you I’d get it.” And then whack, right then. And I know he was on a church youth group, and they don’t believe in evolution, but that kid was getting picked off sooner or later. Yeah. [laughter and applause] And if I were a family member, I’d say 15 years was a pretty good run. But then again, I’m half full. The real story, which nobody talks about until now, is how he was decapitated. It was a suspension roller coaster. A young lady, 25 years old, her leg is what decapitated him. Shattered her leg in over eight places. She had to have three surgeries and wear a cast for over a year. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn a cast or not, but everybody and their mother will come up to you and be like, “how’d you break your leg?” [laughter] She gets to be like, “I f*ckin’ punted a guy’s head “90 yards. Yeah. Top that, Janikowski.” Oh, finally a raider reference that doesn’t involve sucking. [cheers and applause] People have always told me I have a sick sense of humor. What do you say to that? I assume it’s relative. Who are you comparing me to? Carrot top? Then, yeah, I’m a little blue. To my circle of friends, I’m tame. My sister’s off the charts. I play practical jokes on her constantly, though. I got her so good a few weeks ago. I replaced her pepper spray with silly string. Anyway, that night, she got raped, and she called me the next day, going, “you son of a bitch. “You got me so good. “No, no, no, no, as soon “as I started spraying him in the face. “I’m like, ‘Daniel. This is gonna really hurt.'” [singsong] Hot pocket. That’s how that joke ends. I had another comic friend of mine finish it. I hate rain. I understand the necessity for it. But when I walk outside, I prefer it to be sunny. That’s why I love California so much. Oh, and I think it’s because I wear a 35 inseam when I’m clearly a 34. But I’ve always liked my pants long in the back. I like ’em to hit the ground, naturally fray over time, but when it rains, oh. Am I right? The fray gets wet, then the pant leg goes up much higher than anything I ever stepped in. I just look down. I’m like, aagh! Is this what the people in New Orleans went through? Because this is awful. Had I known it was that bad, maybe I would have helped. Next time, ‘Trina 2, I’m your savior. Do they name storms like sequels in movies? Because they should. ‘Trina 2: God’s still crying. You want help, don’t invest in property value that’s below sea level. You’re welcome. [cheers and applause] […] People always assume I’m a bleeding-heart liberal. What? I’m conservative on almost all the key issues. I hate the poor. I’ve said that forever. “We need help.” Yeah, we’ve heard. And some of you know I have a charity, but I did that for tax purposes. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s called febrezing the homeless. [laughter] No, it’s not what some of you think. What I do, I go around, and I febreze homeless people. Is that what you thought it was? Well, this isn’t a game show. It’s nice. Who would you give a dollar to? The guy that smells like liquid garbage or ocean breeze? It’s a no-brainer. You’re gonna make it rain on number two. Make it rain. “Thank you, rap community, for continuing to keep women in their place,” he said with heavy sarcasm. If you don’t know, it’s when you throw cash on the hos. I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah, that’s when you throw change on sluts. [imitates whooshing] “Ow! Are those nickels?” “Yeah. It’s a down economy. I’m a baller on a budget, bitch.” You see that? You see that? Keep an open hand. That’ll keep you out of prison. I don’t know if that’s true… Just in case anybody goes home tonight and decides to beat the shit out of their– “I kept an open hand. Your honor, the comedian clearly stated…” […] Some issues I go a little left on. I heart abortion. Fine. Where’s that t-shirt, urban outfitters? I’ll buy one. Large, preshrunk, cotton-poly blend, overpriced, but very soft. Just says “I heart abortion.” not a regular heart, an unborn fetus heart that has been vacuumed out. Look at it. What, it’s okay for them to stick it on a poster board, shove it into some kid’s face that’s making the toughest decision of her life, but I embrace it and I’m the a-hole? Got it. What’s the back of the shirt say? “Problem solved.” It says, “go back to being selfish. “Your life’s not over just yet. “Don’t have to take all those failed dreams and cram ’em down somebody else’s throat.” Back of the shirt’s long. People may bump into you, like, “sorry, I was reading that horrible shirt. Where are you headed?” “Sarah Palin’s house.” [laughter] Speaking of awful parents, Joe Jackson deserves a lifetime achievement award. Holy cow. I like when people acted shocked that Michael died. Are you kidding me? Michael was on borrowed time as soon as he switched races. Don’t act so sad over his death. Are you kidding? There’s a reason– there’s a reason his reunion tour was in London. Nobody in America wants to watch a 50-year-old man scoot backwards. [laughter] [cheers and applause]     […] I was making love to this girl recently. Let’s say she’s 19. There’s no bouncer in my bedroom. You’re in. She says to me during the act of lovemaking, “Hey, Daniel, what’s it like having sex with a condom on?” I’m like, “how should I know?” I didn’t say that. We need time machines. What I said was way less romantic. I said, “oh. It’s a lot like picking up dog shit with a bag,” which I thought then and think now is a spot-on analogy. Like, you know there’s dog poo in your hand, but you don’t freak out. [laughter] [applause] […] Sometimes when I’m out at night and I see a group of women, I like to walk up to ’em and pretend that I’m a judge at a dog show. And I just go, “mm. “third, second, first… In that order!” [applause] They love it. They want to be judged. They spend a lot of time getting ready. There’s not a girl in here that wouldn’t like to go home tonight with a blue ribbon on. Her friend’s like, “where did you get that ugly ribbon?” “Oh, some guy at the bar thought I won.” “Katie didn’t even place. I know. It’s crazy.” If I see a really hot chick, I’ll grab her by the crotch and the throat and be like, “best in show.” Little heavy. Should have picked one from the toy group. Big can be beautiful, okay? Just not to me. I find you disgusting. Freshman 15’s not a life sentence. Okay? […] We’re too fat. We’re just too fat. I was on a plane recently that was delayed over three hours at the gate because they ran out of seat-belt extensions. Do you even know what seat-belt extensions are? Seat belts only go this big. [laughter] Some people need an extra 6 1/2 feet of nylon to strap in, as if any collision would unwedge them. […] I love that the modeling industry gets attacked for being too skinny. Really, America? You’re not too big? Mm-mm. Is something in your mouth? Mm-mm. Do you know why they say that– that models are too skinny? It’s because parents are horrible. They can’t tell their 16-year-old daughter that she’s not really a princess. Well, guess what. I can. If you’re 16 years old and you think the only difference between you and Gisele is your waistline and not your busted face… Here’s some advice– fill up the paxil, because life is gonna be really sad. If you’re walking around like, “well, why am I not a supermodel yet?” Who are you even looking at, seabiscuit? “Oh, I want to be a model.” Do you want me to explain it to you? Let’s start with your jawline. That’s not gonna sell a lot of makeup in the magazines. “But I’m skinny.” you are a troll. My advice, have a twinkie, get real good at math, because life is not gonna be easy for you. I’m sorry if this is your wake-up call, but being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep. Thank you very much, you guys. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. [cheers and applause]"
1686241371-18,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,JIM JEFFERIES: BARE (2014) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-bare-2014-full-transcript/,"[Car horn honks] [Audience cheering] [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr. Jim Jefferies! [Upbeat music playing] Hello! Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down. [Chuckles] Thank you, Boston. I appreciate that. [Whooping] Uh, that’s very sweet of you. [Man] Love you! I’m at the end of the tour right now. I’m very happy to be on tour because I now have a child. Ah, so… any time out of home is good for me. Um, I got my girlfriend pregnant after knowing her for two months. So… [Audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you. Life decisions. And she’s a nice girl, and I love her in a way, sure. My problem with my girlfriend is, she’s very sweet, but she’s shit at telling stories, and I’m awesome at telling stories, so it really bothers me when she talks. And I don’t know if that’ll be a problem in the future, but it’s a problem now and I don’t see it getting better. Um… I’ll give you an example, right? I was in the car, and my son Hank was asleep in the back seat, and we’re driving along, and on the radio comes Madonna, and my girlfriend just slips into conversation, “Oh, I used to party with Madonna.” And I went, “You fucking what, when?” And she went, “I used to party with Madonna.” Now, I should fill you in a little bit on this. My girlfriend used to be a model in Miami, right? I’m not bragging. I didn’t get the model years. I didn’t get those years. I’ve seen the photos. Very impressive. Um… So, I said, “So you used to party with Madonna. Madonna used to have big parties and invite models over, right?” And she went, “No, no, it would just be me and a few other people.” I go, “You need to elaborate on this story right now.” And she goes, “Oh, okay, I used to date the center for the Miami Heat.” As soon as you hear that the mother of your child used to date an NBA center, even if this guy’s even slightly in proportion… a lot of things flood through your head. First thing is, “That’s why your cunt’s so fucked up.” That’s a big one. “That’s why our child came out while you were walking. I understand.” So she said, “I used to date the center for the Miami Heat. His best friend was Dennis Rodman. Dennis Rodman used to go out with Madonna, and we used to go over to Madonna’s house.” And she goes, “This one time, the four of us were over at Madonna’s house, and we were all fucked up on drugs, and one thing led to another…” And then I went, “Shut the fuck up!” And she went, “What?” I said, “I know what ‘one thing led to another’ means! You all started fucking each other!” And she went, “We did. We started…” “Just shut up!” And she goes, “What do you care for?” I said, “You’re the mother of my child! I don’t wanna picture you being fucked by a 7’2″ NBA player while you’re licking out Madonna’s muscular vagina and Dennis Rodman is in the corner stroking his tattooed cock, going…” [Moaning] And she goes, “Oh, you’re being silly. What do you care for? You’ve partied way more than I have in my life.” And I went, “That is not true. I’ve gotten wasted way more than you have, but I have, in no way, partied way more than you have. Often, I get wasted just by myself. I wouldn’t call it a party.” For most of my career, I was a struggling comedian, right? And this is how struggling comedians party, right? It’s 5:00 a.m., Monday, right? We’re in a one-bedroom apartment. Seven of us are standing around a coffee table, trying to stretch out two grams of coke. One of us is at the end of the table giving conspiracy theories… and the rest of us are talking about where women might be. One of us has come up with a plan. The plan goes like this, “Well… nurses will be finishing their shift soon. Maybe if we just stand out the front of the ER, they’ll appreciate seven funny guys.” [Chuckles] I don’t… You know, I’ve never partied like a model. I have partied twice in my life. Twice. Like, really partied. I’ve had good nights out, but I’ve really partied twice. If you really party, and most people never experience this, it’s an amazing thing. It happens in Vegas. It can only happen in Vegas, and it’s gotta involve celebrity, right? I’m not famous, but the people around me were super famous, and I was at this party in the night club, and they took me in. And then there’s the night club, but then there’s the real night club out the back, which is, like, the size of this stage. It’s only a little room. And you go back there and you can just… They encourage you to take drugs in the open, and you’re just doing it off a key, [Sniffs] and they’re going, “No, dude. Use the table. Don’t use your…” And I go, “Oh, oh. Oh, sorry. Um…” And it’s confusing at first, and then their security will drag women off that other night club into your room. Just bring ’em in like, “Huh?” And you can do this. You can go… “Uh…” Like that. And they’ll drag these women away. It is the best thing you’ll ever do with your life. When you party that hard as a man, there’s a lot of remorse ’cause you have to tip everyone a lot of money. You wake up in the morning with a terrible hangover, and you go to your friends. You go, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I spent $5,000.” When a hot girl parties that hard, she wakes up in the morning and goes, “Oh, my God. We partied so hard last night. I made $5,000.” And that’s a vastly different emotion that… I don’t think women will never… Yeah, okay. This is the thing. In America, at the moment, they’re trying to raise the minimum wage to, I don’t know, $16 an hour or something like that, and whenever they bring up this argument, they always go, “And still to this day, women only earn 70% of what men earn in the workplace.” And of course, that’s disgusting. How dare women earn so much? Like… a lot of things that I say tonight will be jokes that I don’t actually mean, but this is something I’m really passionate about. Women do not deserve to earn as much money as men in the workplace. I’m sorry. I… [Audience whooping] I’m not being a misogynistic bastard, right? I’m not saying that women don’t work as hard. I’m sure they do. I’m not saying they don’t do as good a job. What I’m saying is they don’t deserve to earn as much money as men. Right? Men need that extra 30% to buy meals and drinks and Jim Jefferies tickets and all that shit! [Audience cheering] Now… I’m sure there’s women in this room that are saying, “Oh, I pay for my drinks. I bought my own ticket.” And don’t think we don’t appreciate the uglies, ’cause we do. Right? We do. But there’s little things in society that you can’t change. Men have extra expenses that you’ll never understand. There’s holidays that are just for women. Like Valentine’s Day is just for women. They say it’s for romantics. They say it’s for couples or something like that. It’s just for women. There’s no man who gets excited by Valentine’s Day. There’s no man that when he sees the Valentine’s Day decorations go up in the shopping mall, he goes, “Oh, Valentine’s Day is coming!” Valentine’s Day is a mathematical equation that every man has in his head, and it goes like this, “How much money do I have to spend today so that you won’t act like a cunt?” It doesn’t stop there. Mother’s Day! Mother’s Day rocked around in my house when my son was six months old. My girlfriend’s first Mother’s Day. And she went, “Oh, I wonder what I’ll get for Mother’s Day.” And I went, “Probably fucking nothing. He’s got no money. He’s six months old. What do you think he’s gonna buy you?” Within an hour, her friends were over at the house, just by coincidence, telling me what a bad person I was and how important Mother’s Day is to a new mum, you know? And so, I went and bought her a cappuccino machine ’cause I assumed that’s what Hank would have wanted her to have… and I wrote a card. I’m not a bastard. I wrote a card. I’m right-handed. So I got my left hand. Every new dad knows this. You get the crayon and you go, [Imitating child] “Happy Mother’s Day. Love, Hank.” And I went, “H-A-N…” And then I did the “K” back-to-front because he’s a fucking moron. See, now I know there’s people in the room, they’re thinking, “Well, fathers have Father’s Day.” Father’s Day is bullshit. It’s fucking shit, Father’s Day. Father’s Day came around and my girlfriend went, “What do you want for Father’s Day?” And I went, “I don’t want anything. Don’t even worry about it. I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on. You gotta have something.” I said, “Honestly, I don’t want anything.” And she goes, “Come on.” And I went, “It’s my fucking money. Just don’t touch it. Just leave my money alone. How hard is this? How about, for 24 hours, you don’t touch my fucking money? That would be a gift.” That’s why every single father has that one Father’s Day gift that they cherish, and it’s shit! It’s, like, a fucking ceramic mug that the kid made in school where the handle’s too big, and it says, “I heart Dad.” And they keep that for 20 fucking years, this mug. And do you wanna know why they like it? Every now and again, they look at it and go… “That cost me nothing, that mug.” [Audience whooping] See… wouldn’t it be nice to have one day that was for men and for fathers and all that type of stuff, but didn’t cost anything, that everyone could participate in, right? I’ve got it, right? April 18th… Anal Sex Day. [Men cheering loudly] It’s good, isn’t it? Everyone’s girlfriend or wife has to take it in the ass on April 18th. It’s nice. A month before, you’d be walking around the shopping center going, “Oh, the decorations are up!” [Men whooping] And it’s good ’cause if your bird didn’t take it in the ass, you could do the same thing that women do on Valentine’s Day when they don’t get a gift. You could go like, “Oh, me mate, Jason, his wife took it in the ass twice. Yeah, obviously, they’re more connected than we are. They’ve, uh…” I’m thinking, I don’t do much merchandise after my shows and stuff, but I’m thinking of bringing out some April 18th T-shirts. Not even putting “Jim Jefferies” on them or anything. Just T-shirts that say, “April 18th.” ‘Cause it’s good, right? You’re in a bar. You’re a guy. You see a guy at the other end of the bar with an April 18th, and you go… Fucking friends for life, right? But even better, you see a girl with an April 18th T-shirt. The weird thing is I’m bigging-up anal sex here, and I don’t even really like fucking girls in the ass that much. I’m not even a huge fan. I much prefer the cunt. I think it’s a much more… I think that a cunt is a much more purpose-built thing to fuck. But, you know, anal sex… Oh, you know… I do it. I get involved, ’cause I feel like I have to. You know, I… But I’ve never been a big fan of the ass fucking, I, uh… When I watch it on porn, it seems very inviting. The girl’s taking it so fluently in her ass, and she seems to be having fun, and, uh… But the thing is, you can’t smell porn. You don’t smell porn. You just… You just watch it. They never… And it’s different, porn. It’s different. They clean the girl’s asshole. They pump water into it until it’s very hygienic. I’m sure. And the girl seems to be so happy. She’s like… You’ve got it in her pussy, you’re fucking her, and then she’s like, “Put it in my ass.” She’s inviting. It’s like you’re doing her a favor in porn. And then she’s like… She says things… I don’t know, things like, “I’m enjoying that. Keep putting it in my ass. Fuck my ass. I love a cock in my ass.” And… And the experience I’ve had in my own life has been vastly different. I’ve… My experience has been a lot of crying. Now, although that can help you come at times, it’s not what you want… It’s not what you want for every day. I like the girl who acts like she’s enjoying it. Like, you know when your girlfriend’s like, “I’m gonna act like I enjoy it.” She does that whole, “Yeah. Oh, no, that’s good.” [Moaning] Ahh! ♪ I’m having a good time ♪ And then they’re always going, “Are you done? Are you close to done?” You never fuck a pussy and they go, “Are you almost done? Finish this.” Like that. If you’re fucking ass, they don’t want you… They want it all over, quick. And they do other things, the porn girls. I don’t know how much they get paid. I’m sure it’s more than what the men get paid. It’s the opposite bit of society. Um… But they do a thing called “ATM.” I don’t know if you know what that is, kids. That stands for “ass to mouth.” That’s where the porn girl will pull the cock from out of her anus, and she’ll put it directly in her mouth, and she’ll say something like, “I love the taste of my ass. Let me taste my ass.” And then the man, as a favor to this woman, puts his cock in her mouth to congratulate her on the fine work… [Applause] she’s been doing. Now, I had a drunken night with my ex-girlfriend where she thought she’d be all wild and try that. Once again, vastly different experience. I’m not a big fan of the ass fucking, and I don’t know of any man, if they’re truthful, really is. Now, there’s women in the room who are thinking, “Well, why does my guy constantly bother me to fuck me in my ass?” [Woman shouting] What a good question. [Woman whoops] Women, the reason that men like fucking you in the ass is because… we know you fucking hate it. [Cheering] So… I’m a father. Um… I love my son! I love my son the same way that I love cigarettes. I like to hold him for five minutes every hour, and the rest of the time, I’m thinking about how he’s fucking killing me. He’s a good little boy. No, he’s a great little fella. I really like him. Um… My girlfriend super loves him, though. It’s fucking creepy. And… I’m glad I have a son. That worked out good for me. I wouldn’t be a good father to a girl. It wouldn’t be good for me. Nothing weird. Wouldn’t fuck it. I… I just don’t get along with women. You know how it is. I don’t want them in my house, and… So… Because you dream, see… For example, okay? When Hank was born… the couple over the road, within two weeks of Hank being born, had a baby girl, and rightly or wrongly, the first thing that went through my head was… “Aw, that’s great. I hope Hank fucks that one day.” That’s what I think… ‘Cause that’s what I think about my son. I hope when he’s of age, he just fucks everything. I don’t care if my son is gay or straight. All I care about is, when he is of age, that he gets every bit of fucking pussy or cock that he desires. That is my dream for my son! [Audience cheering] But never in the history of fathers and daughters, has a father held his baby girl and gone, “Oh, I hope you have a lot of cocks through you in your life. I hope you’re never shy of a cock. I hope you pass out at parties and all the boys are queuing up.” Right, you know… And it’s not just me. Women treat baby girls and baby boys differently as well. My girlfriend goes to the gym every morning. I go there very occasionally, and when you go to the gym, there’s a little daycare crèche thing in the gym where you can hand your child off, and inside that daycare, there’s, like, three women in their 50s. They’re very nice ladies, and you hand your kid off and he plays. Then when you finish your workout, you come and get him. And there’s a woman that works there who just loves my son. She sees all the other kids, but she loves Hank, and Hank fucking loves her, and the two of them light up when they see each other. And it’s super cute, I bring Hank up the stairs, and he starts going, “Uh, uh!” Trying to reach at her, all right? And she does this, she goes, “Everyone, my boyfriend’s here. Here’s my boyfriend. Give him here. He’s my boyfriend.” And then she kisses him, and she goes, ♪ My boyfriend gives me kisses My boyfriend gives me kisses ♪ It’s fucking adorable. But I tried doing that with a baby girl… Let’s say you go to the gym and there’s a daycare, and me and a couple of my mates are working there. “Hey, everyone… me girlfriend’s here. Give her here. Give her here. She’s my girlfriend. My girlfriend gives me kisses. You know that, right? She’s always giving me kisses. Enjoy your workout. Don’t worry about a thing.” [Applause] [Cheering] So… Also… it’s just easier to bring up a son than it is a daughter. It’s just little things. Even when they’re babies, it’s just easier. There’s a wiping technique when you’re wiping a baby’s ass. I don’t know if you have children, but this is how you do it. The baby lays on its back. You put their feet together. You lift the feet up, and then you go in and wipe. With a boy, you can wipe like that. Up and down, side to side, whatever the fuck you want, right? With a girl, you gotta wipe downward and away. Downward and away. It’s very important that you wipe away from the cunt. Very important. ‘Cause it turns out that women of all ages hate having shit in their cunts. They do. They fucking hate it. Boys don’t give a shit. Fucking… My son will have shit all over his dick and balls, and I’ll be cleaning it off under the foreskin, and he’ll be laughing like it’s the best day ever. Even at my age now, I find it funny if I have shit on my dick. If I fuck my girlfriend in the ass, I pull out, I’ve got shit on my dick, I’ll ring me mate Jason up and go, “Hey, Jason… It’s happened again. I got shit on my dick.” And he’ll tell me a similar story about when he had shit on his dick, and we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh. But never in the history of women has there been a woman with shit in her cunt and she’s thought, “Oh, I can’t wait to call Karen.” [Chuckles] [Laughs] When you… When my girlfriend got pregnant… When you meet… When you haven’t got a child, couples who have children are always bragging about how cool it is to have children. Whenever you meet couples with children they’re always like, “It is the most fulfilling thing I’ve ever done with my life. My heart grows larger and larger every day.” And then the second that my girlfriend got pregnant, those same people went like this, “You’re never gonna sleep again! [Laughs maniacally] Forget about it. It’s over. You’re not gonna sleep.” They’re constantly telling you you’re not gonna sleep. Raising a baby is not that hard. I’ll tell you what, it’s easier than a coke habit. I had a coke habit for seven-and-a-half fucking years! At least it’s not me who wakes up crying anymore! I can sleep through other people crying. I’ve had girlfriends. That’s like white noise to me. I find it soothing. See, me and my girlfriend, just two months, we went, “Fuck it! Let’s have a kid.” Fucking did it, right? These other people, man… You know these couples, and they date from high school, and then they go out for a bit longer, and then after being together for like, seven years, they go, “We’re getting engaged. You wanna come to the party?” And you wanna say, “No, you’re really boring and we hate you.” But you go, “Oh, okay, great. You’re still together, are you? You fucked one person, have you? Oh, how exciting.” And… And then what they do is they don’t have a kid right away because they’re still not ready. “We have to see how our careers are going and shit.” And what they do is they get a dog, and then they act like the fucking dog’s their baby. They refer to it as their fucking baby. They send you a Christmas card of them holding the dog… and it says, “From our family to yours.” And then you have a barbecue, and you invite them, the humans, right? Then they come over. This fucking dog runs in, jumping over everything, and you’re like, “What the fuck is this shit?” And they’re like, “We had to bring him. We bring our baby everywhere.” And you go, “Well, your baby is biting my actual baby. Can you control…” And then, eventually, they decide they’re gonna have a kid ’cause they’ve learned so much from the dog, and then they bring the kid back, and the dog runs up, like, “What’s happening? A new person.” And they’re like, “Fuck off. We don’t love you anymore. We’re going.” And they think they’ve learnt something from the dog, and they haven’t learnt anything. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the dog dies? You go off, you buy another dog that looks similar to the original dog… try to pass it off as the same dog. What happens if your girlfriend’s away on work and the baby dies? Very hard… to get a baby that looks exactly the same in the short period of time that you have. Easier if you’re black or Asian. [Audience cheering] Boston, no! No! No! Shut up! I will not put up with racism at my shows, okay? I’m not saying ’cause they look the same. I’m saying ’cause they’re easier to purchase. [Audience cheering] [Audience whooping] If Angelina Jolie and Madonna have taught us anything… it is that you can buy black and Asian people. I’m yet to see a black celebrity couple come home from Norway with a child, going… “Yolanda, quick, get Hans. Bring him over. Come on.” [Jeffries chuckles] I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what?
 ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ 
 ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ 
 ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪
 Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. – [Audience cheering] – Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.” Now… after the show, we’re gonna go out, have a big party around Boston, see how it goes. I’m not allowed to go to strip clubs anymore. My girlfriend has said that’s a no… ’cause I don’t behave myself in there, so I’m not allowed to go to them anymore. ‘Cause strip clubs aren’t what women think they are. [Stammers] It used to be like… Okay, so, when a man goes to a strip club, it’s all about girls being as dirty and as horrible to each other as possible. That’s what men want to see. Women, when they go to their Magic Mike clubs or whatever the fuck they are… women wanna see a guy, “Hey, ladies. He’s a fireman.” And he comes out with his hose and like that… And whenever a stripper takes their clothes off, they’ve still got the fireman’s hat on or a tool belt on or policeman’s gun on a holster, right? Because even when a man’s naked, a woman wants to know that he has a job. When men watch strippers, we want them to have a job, and that job’s stripping. We want to just look at that girl dancing and have a hand full of money, and just go… “You can’t take care of your kids.” It’s… And when men get private dances in these strip clubs, I don’t know… I don’t know if women actually know what goes on in those rooms, but basically, it’s dry humping. There’s no dancing. The girl gets in front. She gets where your cock is, pushes it to one side and then she rubs on it… and then she stands over and puts her cunt right in your face, and you go… That’s what a private “dance” is, right? I don’t know if there’s private dancing in female strip clubs. [Stammering] I can’t imagine that there would be. I don’t imagine a woman getting out of a back room and going up to her friend and going… She goes, “How was it?” And she goes, “Well… he just sat me down and then he grabbed my genitals… and then he dragged his scrotum over my forehead. I got to go to the ATM.” So Legit got canceled. [Audience booing] Yeah. I know. I know it. Who would’ve thought it would’ve struggled on that great FXX channel that everyone knew about? The first season is on Netflix. This special is being recorded for Netflix. So you can go watch it there if you’re watching the special. It was… I’m very proud of it. We had two great seasons of really good television, and if people didn’t… Now… The whole TV show is based around one standup routine that I used to do about having a friend with muscular dystrophy that I took to a brothel, which is a true story. And so, when we cast a character with muscular dystrophy who… In the end, we used DJ Qualls, and DJ Qualls is the skinny white guy out of the movie Road Trip. He’s the skinny white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow, and he’s the white guy out of the movie Hustle & Flow. Now… the great thing about DJ is… he already looks disabled. He has that “latter stages of AIDS” thing going on. It’s great for casting. Anyway, but… I didn’t want DJ to begin with. I wanted a person with muscular dystrophy to make it look authentic, and the Actors’ Union of America said, “You cannot do that.” Because basically the problem is people with muscular dystrophy, I think, are only allowed to work for two hours a day before they get too tired. And I said, “All right, what other disabilities and diseases are allowed to work longer?” And they sent me a list. And on this list, I said, “Can you get rid of all the contagious ones? And what have we got left?” So I saw every disabled actor in Hollywood, and I’ll be honest with you, not that many of them. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re just lazy. They don’t wanna work. Maybe they give up on their dreams rather quickly. And none of them were very good, either. Everyone we saw, none of them were very good ’cause acting is all about what you do with your hands. None of them knew what to do with their hands, and… they all came in. Until this one guy came in. I had seen a lot of people that day. This guy was the most disabled person I’d ever seen in my life. He was like… Think of the most disabled person you’ve seen, then double it. …really super disabled. He was shaped like a pretzel. He was being carried in by this big Russian nurse, carried him in. He made that great disabled sound of… [Groans] That one. I just loved him. Anyway… so he comes in for the audition… and I’m sitting there, and we’re doing the lines together, and at first, I didn’t know if he was mentally all there either, so I was being a little bit patronizing. I was going, “Thank you so much for coming in.” And then we did the dialog together, and I didn’t have to worry about a thing. This kid was funny. He was smart. His timing was impeccable. I thought he was just great, and I helped him out of the room, and I come back to the director and I said, “That’s our guy. That’s who we gotta pick.” And he agreed, but we had to see everyone else who was still in the waiting room. So the next bloke wheels himself in. Now, obviously, he’s just a paraplegic if he’s wheeling himself in, which means the waist down, and that didn’t really suit me because… paraplegics can get themselves to a hooker without my assistance. But I thought… “If he’s a good enough actor, maybe he can quad-up for the role.” So he comes in… He comes in, I shake his hand, and his leg slightly comes out at the same time. And I went, “Whoa! What’s going on there, kicky?” And he goes… “Oh, you got me! I’m not disabled.” And I said, “You’re fucking what now?” And he goes, “I’m not disabled. I just really wanted the role, so I rented a wheelchair.” And I said, “Just shut up. So let me… This is how your day has mapped-out thus far. You woke up this morning. You drove to the wheelchair rental place. You rented a wheelchair. You carried it out, I assume. You put it in the trunk of your car. You drove here. You got the wheelchair out. You carried it up three flights of stairs. You went to the waiting room. You put it down next to the severely disabled man and his nurse. Then you sat in it and practiced your lines.” And he went… “Yeah.” And I said, “You’re a fucking asshole, mate. Get the fuck out of here.” And I kicked him out. And later on that day, I’m sitting there with all the headshots of all the different actors I’m gonna call to tell them they’ve got parts, and I’m holding this disabled guy’s headshot, and I just think, “I’m gonna call this guy up. I’m gonna change his life. This is an awesome moment, right?” And I’m looking at it, and he looks super handsome in his headshot. He looked really like… And I thought, “This has gotta be the greatest photographer with the fastest shutter in camera history.” The shutter on his camera has gotta be like… [Mimicking camera shutter] Like… [Audience applauding] And then I read the guy’s biography… and then it dawned on me. “This guy’s not disabled either! I hated the other fucker for renting a wheelchair! This cunt rented a nurse!” Do you wanna know the level of fucking psychosis you have to go through to rent a fucking nurse? I’m all for a method actor. Get into character three hours before, but once you finish the audition, stand up and go, “Ta-da!” And we would have gone, “That was very good.” But I’ll tell you what you don’t do. Don’t make me carry you to your car! I carried him down three flights of stairs going, “You did very good.” He’s like, “Thank you, Jim.” [Laughing] [Chuckles] I was, uh… I go to a therapist… ’cause I get depressed. So I got a therapist every now and again. I literally had one of those moments with my therapist where she was saying words like, “I’m gonna say a word and you say the first thing that comes in your mind.” Like just out of the movies, right? And she went, “Red,” and I went, “Blue.” And then she went, “Cooking,” and I went, “Food,” and all that type of stuff. We went like this forever. And then she went… For the last question, she went, “And what’s your favorite thing in the world?” And I went… “Coming on a girl’s face.” Now… Now, I could’ve said things like… “Ice cream” is a good answer. “Hank” would’ve been an excellent answer. But I said, “Coming on a girl’s face.” And I’ve had six months to think about my answer, and I stand by it. – I… – [Cheering] I’m not proud of it. I hate myself for thinking it. It’s such a horrible thing to do to another human. When a girl’s on her knees and you… It’s so… And as an atheist, I believe in Darwin and all the things that he wrote, but he never had a bit where he explained that. There was never a bit in his book where he went, “When a caveman loves a cavewoman, he’ll ejaculate on her face so that flies won’t come near.” There was never that… never that moment. But, by golly, if it’s not fun. I find it… To… Look, to all the girls who take a load on their face from time to time, may I say, “Bravo!” Don’t… don’t think what you do… has gone unnoticed. We notice. We appreciate your work. I think you deserve a parade of some kind. During Memorial Day, after the Vietnam vets, before the First Gulf War guys, we could bring in, “And here’s the women who take a load on their face.” And you could march out, and married men would stand there going, “God bless you, ladies.” [Audience cheering] I enjoy your acting that you do. The standard tongue out and the… Like that… I don’t know why, but I enjoy… I know it’s a lie. I know you’re not excited, but I still appreciate the effort is what I enjoy. I love the look because it’s such a, “Oh, jeez, I’m excited, too. When this come hits my face, there’s a good chance I’ll also orgasm. Anything could happen in this crazy world.” But this is what redeems us as men. This is what redeems us. Just know that the second the come shoots out of our cock and hits your face, our bodies flood with remorse. The next 20 seconds is the nicest we will ever be to you. [Men whooping] I go from being an animal to the sweetest guy on Earth. I’m like, “You fucking slut… Oh, I love you. Ah… Uh, all right. No, no, no. Put your tongue back in. Um… Keep your eyes shut. Just keep them shut. Uh… All right, I’m going to get a towel. I’ll get a towel. I’ll get you a towel. All right. You’re a wonderful mother to our child.” [Laughs] [Audience cheering] See… this is what kills me. My son will one day watch this DVD. And I’m the guy who’s meant to teach him right from wrong, and I’m there wiping come off his mother’s face. I think I did something illegal with my son the other day. I think it might be illegal. Tell me if this is illegal. All right? I’m in the shower. My girlfriend goes off to the gym in the morning, and when she came back, I was in the shower, and Hank ran up, and he started banging on the glass door of the shower like, “Argh!” Like that. And I went… [Vocalizing] And I saw his little face and I went, “Hello, Hankie.” And then in the condensation, I drew a little bowtie on him… and a little suit… and then I gave him a voice bubble that said, “I love my daddy. Love, Hank.” But I did it so I could read it. Well, of course he could read the “K,” and… then I stepped out. I stepped out of the bathroom and I went, “G’day, Hankie!” And he slapped my cock and he ran off. Now, is that illegal? I don’t know. Is it illegal because, A, a child touched my cock, or because, B, I found it really funny and I’ve been telling everyone. And I can’t get angry at him because his whole life, he’s been lying on mats with things dangling over. He’s been training for this his entire life. I think I’ve, uh… I think I’ve become American, more American than I am Australian lately, and there was a moment where I tipped over where I went, “Oh, I think like an American person now.” And I’m happy to do it. I just… I’ll tell you what happened. I was flying around… I was doing a tour of Australia, and I was flying domestically around Australia, and I’m so used to airports and stuff here in America that… Okay, what happens is, when you go… I was flying Sydney to Melbourne. When you fly domestically in Australia, you go up to the machine, put your name in, prints your ticket out, it prints your bag thing, you put the bag thing on your bag yourself, and then there’s a conveyor belt underneath. You throw your bag on. Bag fucks off. You don’t speak to anyone. Then I go up to the gate bit, and the lady’s going, “Tickets, please.” And I’m holding my ID out like a fucking simpleton. ‘Cause I get through airports quick, man. I’m like, “Fucking there you go.” And she went, “Put your ID away. I don’t need to see that.” And I went… “I think you do.” And she went, “I don’t… Why would I need to see your ID?” And I said, “I might be a terrorist.” And she went, “Would showing me your ID stop you from blowing the plane up?” “No, I’d probably still blow the plane up.” So then I get up to the TSA conveyor belt thing, and I’m so good at the airports. I’m already taking my shoes off as I’m walking, right? And all the Australians behind me assume that I’m American, and they’re losing their fucking shit. They’re like, “Oh, for fuck’s sake! One of these cunts, eh?” And the TSA guy goes, “Hey, mate, what are you taking your shoes off for?” And I went… [Shouting] “I don’t know! Maybe they’re bombs?” And he went… “But they’re not, are they?” I put me shoes back on. I get my laptop out. Everyone’s going mental. And the TSA guy says, very politely, but extraordinarily sarcastically, he goes, “Jeez, mate. That’s a nice computer. Why are you showing it to everyone?” “It might also be a bomb.” And then the guy said the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard come out of anyone’s mouth ever. He went… “Oh, come on, mate. You wouldn’t have two bombs.” [Audience laughing] [Chuckles] I’m not even quite sure what that means, but it does make some type of sense. All right. Oscar Pistorius. If you haven’t been following the case, you’re missing out. This is the greatest thing since OJ Simpson. You’re fucking missing out, mate. If you don’t know who Oscar Pistorius is, let me fill you in. Oscar Pistorius is a legless man from South Africa, known as the Blade Runner. He ran in two Olympics, the disabled and the able-bodied Olympics in one year. No one has ever done that. He’s an inspiration to hundreds and millions of disabled and able-bodied people alike, and on Valentine’s Day last year, he shot and killed the hottest girl on Earth… and that’s when he became an inspiration to me… ’cause hot girls have been getting away with too much shit for too fucking long. Let that be a lesson to all you hot girls out there. You can’t just say whatever the fuck you want whenever you fucking want. [Mock tearfully] People have feelings, you cunts. Now, there’s a lot of rumors going around on what happened on that day. One of the theories is that they found in her phone… He went through her phone, and on her phone, he found some text messages from a South African rugby player on Valentine’s Day, right? Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been to South Africa, but in South Africa, rugby is more popular than legless running. It goes, rugby, legless running, cricket. Legless running’s their second sport. You wouldn’t have thought that. Anyway… I’m going to reenact what I believe happened that day. To do that, I will now be doing a South African accent. Now I know, many of you can’t tell the difference between my accent and a South African accent. Here’s the difference. Picture my accent, but I’m punching a black person. What I’m trying to say is South Africans are horrible people. So… she’s coming out of the shower. She’s been drying her hair. She’s listening to Rodriguez or something. She comes out. He’s laying on the bed. He looks up at her, he’s holding the phone, and he goes, [In South African accent] “What the fuck is this? I’ve been through your phone. You have been texting a rugby player.” And she’s like, “Oh! Fuck you! Who the fuck do you think you are?” “Who am I? I’m Oscar Pistorius, the greatest legless runner that has ever been. That’s who the fuck I am.” “Well, I would rather be with a rugby player. At least he is a whole man, not a three-quarter man like you.” – [Audience exclaiming] – I know. [Audience laughing] “Oh! Fuck you!” “No! Fuck you! I’m leaving you!” And then she storms out of the room, and then he was like… “You fucking bitch! [Grunts] I hate you! [Grunting] You will rue the day… that you left Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner! Don’t go anywhere! [Grunting] I hate you!” That’s where he keeps his legs. All right. Then he put the blades on. “Oh, you’re in trouble, missy. I tell you. I go to my gun safe.” She locked herself in the bathroom. He shot her through the bathroom door. Seems like overkill, doesn’t it? Bathrooms only have little tiny locks on them, but Oscar’s one of the few men on Earth that couldn’t kick the door in, right? He was wearing the blades, so… Boing! Ah! So… I think Oscar will probably go to prison. Now… in South Africa, one in four people have AIDS. I assume it may even be worse in the prison population. Now, can I say this? Look… I’ve never raped a man. I hate that I have to put “a man” in that sentence, but whatever. I’ve never raped a man, but… if I was going to rape a man, it would be a legless Olympian… ’cause in prison, it’s all about getting one up on other people, and making people think you’re tough and all that. Like, “You want to fucking rape me? I just raped an Olympian, bitch. Is that what you fucking want?” There’d be a wonderful moment… when you’re in the showers and he was crawling away like the end of a Terminator movie. [Chuckling] You know what I like about that joke? So often when you tell a joke, the rapist is the villain in the story, but not in that one. Not in that one. He’s the hero. All right, we have to get going soon. Before I leave, – I thank you very much for coming. – [Audience groaning] No, I said, “soon,” not “over.” It’s just soon, you cunts, so calm down. [Chuckles] [Man whistles] I always… I always find that weird when someone, like, whistles like that. What do they think is going to happen? Like, I’m going to go, “Fucking you know me, mate. I was enjoying claps and cheers, but what I needed was a high-pitched squeal noise. Thank God you came along to pick up my spirits.” [Man] Love you! All right, final story. Now, I was in South Africa again. Jeez, I don’t think I’ll be working in South Africa after this special comes out. I used to do, like, one tour in South Africa every year, and I just don’t know if I’ll be invited this time. They’ll be like, [In South African accent] “We don’t like him. He’s no good.” Anyway, so, I’m in South Africa, and I had to fly back from Cape Town to Los Angeles, which is, like, a 26-hour flight. You’ve to go up to London and go across. Cunt of a trip. Um… But it was all right ’cause I had a business class ticket, so I didn’t give a fuck. And when I travel economy, I try to dress up nice ’cause I like to look good in case someone recognizes me and I might get an upgrade. But when I’ve already got a business class ticket, I try to look like a bag of shit… ’cause it’s important to me that everyone else in business class doesn’t want me there and they’re annoyed by my presence. So… I’m wearing a white T-shirt that’s got brown stains on it with a hole in the side. I’m wearing these small shorts with just one testicle hanging out. So, anyway, I go up to the counter, up to the business thing with the thing, and I go, “Hello,” and the lady goes, [In South African accent] “Oh, Mr. Jefferies, I’m so sorry, but you have been downgraded.” I said, “You what now?” She goes, “Business class is full. You have been downgraded.” And I said, “I understand that business class is full. I bought one of the tickets that made it full.” And she went, “I’m sorry, sir. There’s nothing I can do.” And then I just went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” Now, you know when you’re dealing with customer service people, and they want you to swear, ’cause as soon as you swear, they don’t have to engage with you anymore. They can act like they’re the first adult never to hear a swear word, and they can get really offended, right? So I went, “Are you fucking kidding me?” And she went, “Please do not speak to me that way! I have done nothing wrong!” And I said, “Are you, a white South African, telling me you’ve done nothing wrong?” Anyway… tensions rose. The manager comes over. Big fat cunt called Simon Fulcher, right? He walks over and goes, [In South African accent] “What is wrong here? What is wrong?” And I said, “I bought a business class ticket and I want a business class ticket.” And he goes, “What do you want me to do? Make a new chair for you? There are no more seats. I can’t do anything.” He goes, “I’ll tell you what I can do. Go up to the executive lounge. Have some peanuts. Enjoy a beverage. Listen to Rodriguez, and if something opens up, we will move you back up to business class. So I thought, “There’s nothing I can do.” So I walk off with my ticket. I’m walking through the airport like, “Fucking British Airways, bunch of fucking cunts.” Right? I get up to the counter. And the woman behind the counter said, “Tickets, please.” And I hand over my ticket and she goes, [In South African accent] “I’m sorry, sir, but this is for business class passengers only. Your ticket says ‘economy’ on it.” And I said… [Inhales sharply] “I bought a business class ticket, but you people have downgraded…” And as I was doing my little speech, she looked past me and went, “Next.” [Audience exclaiming] “Listen here, you fucking cunt.” [Audience laughing] All right? Now, you say “cunt” in any foreign country, people lose their fucking shit. Security came from everywhere. I was going, “Don’t you fucking come near me, cunt!” And I said, “I want to speak to Simon Fulcher,” like I’m… And they go, “All right.” They ring the manager up, and then they go… He goes, “Is it the pale Australian man?” And the guy went, “Yes.” He goes, “We’ve had problems with him. Let him through.” Right? So I go through. I’m sitting there, I’m eating my peanuts. And I’m just angry now, going, “Fucking British Airways. Fucking cunts, fucking…” Like that. And in walks in a group of Americans, about 30 of them. You know the type, right? They all… And whenever I see Americans abroad… I’ll do my impersonation of any American abroad. When Americans are abroad, you’re just pointing out shit you see. You’re just walking around going, [In American accent] “Oh, this is great! Look at that. That’s a chair right there. Okay. Oh, what’s that over there? Okay. Wonderful. Great.” Right? And this group walked in, and one of the women in the group went like this, she went, [In American accent] “Did anyone else see that Australian guy speaking to that lady out there? Some people have no class.” And I put my head around the pylon, and I went, “You can fuck off and all! You don’t know what I’ve been through! I’ve been downgraded!” And as I said that, 18 other people who were given the same lie that I was given, that they were going to be the next people promoted up to business class, the penny dropped. None of us are getting promoted. They all lied to us, and we formed an angry militia in seconds. It was like a scene out of Braveheart, and they all stood up and went, “Fucking downgraded!” And the woman in the group was doing this, “Don’t speak to me that way. Who the hell do you think you are?” And all the men in the group were like, “Hey, why don’t you shut the fuck up? Just shut the fuck up.” ♪ It doesn’t matter These people seem very angry, so ♪ And a guy breaks from the group and he tries to calm everyone down. And, sometimes, Americans, sometimes, you can seem a little insincere. And he came up and he went, [In American accent] “Hey. Hey. Yeah, I get it. [Exhales sharply] Downgraded, yeah. That really grinds my gears, I tell you that. Yeah, I would write a strongly-worded letter. I really would.” And then I thought, at least this guy’s being nice, and I said, “Look, mate, don’t worry about it. It’s not like it’s your fault.” And I said, “Why are you in such a big group anyway?” And he goes, “Oh, we’re in Neil Diamond’s band. That’s Neil Diamond’s backup singer you just called a cunt there.” And as he said that, Neil Diamond walked around the corner like a fucking superhero… and I reacted like he was one. I went, “Neil Diamond!” And Neil Diamond went, [In husky voice] “Hey, what’s going on?” And then, for a second there, there was a bit of my brain that thought maybe Neil Diamond could solve problems. And I went, “Neil! Me and all these people, we’ve been downgraded!” And Neil went, “Oh! Oh, right. Uh, well, maybe that’s our fault. We decided to come back a day early.” “You can fuck off and all, Neil Diamond!” And then a fight breaks out amongst the Neil Diamond band and the downgraded. Punches are thrown. Not by me. I don’t know if you have the Internet, but I’m not much of a fighter. I’m an excellent scurrier-awayer. I get down. “Hey, what have you got there? Hiya!” Anyway, the airport police came. Three people were arrested from the downgraded… but three people were arrested from the Neil Diamond band, and that meant that three seats opened up in business class. [Audience cheering] Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much. Good night. Appreciate it. [Audience cheering] [Upbeat music playing] Thank you. Go home. Let’s have a drink. Bye."
1686241563-67,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Lenny Bruce: The Berkeley Concert (1965) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/lenny-bruce-berkeley-concert-1965-full-transcript/,"Recorded December 12, 1965 (released 1971, produced by John Judnich and Frank Zappa) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hahahaha, you like this? Be weird I have no pants on… The ecumenical council has given the Pope permission to become a nun…just on Friday’s. I can’t work with this thing..it’s a…isn’t that funny? Backstage I really loved it and I fooled around with it, but I can’t it’s too…uh…I’ll work around it. Does it look religious? It looks sorta religious… Yeah, heh heh…that’s it. That’s faith and goodness. And veneer. There’s more Churches, and people that work for the Church then I think there are eh, courthouses. And Judges. So actually what it is, Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises, and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries and they have one government and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise, you can apply it to the geography, whatever’s cool for that area. And then you pay the bread to the Main Office, and you have to keep a certain standard. Which is cool. But it is definitely a government by itself, and I think that’s what we’re doing in Vietnam. Because the Communists are a threat to those jobs. That’s where it’s at, and I think that’s what it’s always been, that those two factions are always bitchin’ and fighting with each other, and so actually we have the Catholic government inside our government, and they have this bitch with the Communists because they’re always fighting over the work, you know, and when they take over they do them out of a gig, so what happens is that… because Catholicism is here, and the people who work for it are here. And that’s another big problem, the people can’t separate the authority and the people who have the authority vested in them. I think you see that a lot in the demonstrations, because actually the people are demonstrating not against Vietnam, they’re demonstrating against the Police Department. Actually against police men, because they have that concept of the law that the law and the law enforcement are one, and it started: “So we’ll have to have some rules, that’s how the law starts, out of the facts, let’s see. I’ll tell you what we’ll do, we’ll have a vote: we’ll sleep in Area A, is that cool? OK good. We’ll eat in Area B, good? Good. We’ll throw our crap in Area C.” So everything went along pretty cool, everyone is very happy. One night everybody is sleeping, a guy woke up pow got a face full of crap, and said, “Hey what’s the deal here, I thought we had a rule? Eat. Sleep. And crap. And uh, I was sleeping and I got a face full of crap.” So they said, well, ah, the rule is substantive. That’s, see, that’s what the 14th Amendment is, it regulates the rights, but it doesn’t do anything about it, it just says that’s where it’s at. We’ll have to do something to enforce the provisions, to give it some teeth. Here’s the deal, if anybody throws any crap on us, while we’re sleeping, they get thrown in the craphouse. Agreed? Guy goes, “Well, everybody?” Yeah. “But what about if it’s my mother?” You don’t understand, your mother will be the fact, it has nothing to do with it, it’s just a rule. eat, sleep, and crap, anybody throws any crap on us they get thrown right in the crap house. Your mother doesn’t enter into it, everybody’s mother gets thrown in the craphouse. Priest, Rabbi’s, they all go. Agreed? OK, agreed. OK, now going along very cool, guy sleeping, pow he got a face full of crap. Now he wakes up he sees he’s all alone this guy, and he looks and everyone is having a big party. He says “Hey! What’s the deal I thought we had a rule? Eat, sleep and crap, and you just threw a face full of crap on me.” He says “Oh it’s a religious holiday! And, uh, we told you many times that you were going to live your indecent life and sleep all day you deserve to be thrown crap on you while you’re sleeping, and the guy said “bull shit”. A rule’s a rule and this guy started to separate the Church and the State right down the middle pow. Here’s the Church rule and here’s the federalist rule. OK, everything going along very cool, and guy said, “Wait a minute, although we made the rule and…how we gonna get somebody to throw somebody in the craphouse? We need somebody to enforce it. Law Enforcement.” OK, now they put the sign up on the wall WANTED LAW ENFORCEMENT, and guys apply for the job. “Look, here’s our problem, see we’re trying to get some sleep and people keep throwing crap on us. Now we want someone to throw them right in the craphouse, and I’m delegated to doing the hiring here, and, so, here’s what the job is…They won’t go in the craphouse by themselves, and we all agreed on the rule now, and we firmed it up, so there’s nobody get’s out of it, everybody’s vulnerable they get thrown right in the craphouse, but you see, I can’t do it cause I do business with these assholes and it looks bad for me, you know…So I want somebody to do it for me, ya know, so I tell you what, here’s a stick and a gun and you do it. But wait til I’m out of the room, and whenever it happens see I’ll wait back here and watch you know, and you make sure you kick em in the ass and throw them in there. Now, you’ll hear me say a lot of times that it takes a certain kind of mentality to do that work you know and all that bullshit, but you understand that’s all horseshit, just kick em in the ass and make sure that it’s done. So it happens that… Now comes the riot, or the marches, and everybody’s wailing and blopblopblopblop. And you got a cop there who’s standing with a shortsleeve shirt on and a stick in his hand, and the people are yelling Gestapo! at him! Gestapo? You asshole, I’m the mailman! Gestapo!? Now. What it is, I think that the people really want to beat the devil. Where that started was with the early, early missionaries. I think that they didn’t really…that’s why the people never could really separate the authority and the people with the authority vested in them. Because, you know with the savages they would teach them the religion, and after the speech the savage would go, “Well, are you God?” “Well, no…but heh heh, what the hell, you know…well, just never mind that, and eh, I can do you a favor, you do me a favor that’s all and, I think that’s the hang up in our country right now, is that, cause you always hear that kind of story about the peace officer who pulled the speeder over and the speeder turned out to be the governor, and he had the audacity to give him a ticket. So the fact that the people repeat that story, so much, that means the people don’t believe that the governor could ever get a ticket, man. So then it’s just the degree of the law that the governor could break. That means he can kick you in the ass, but it’s bullshit, it’s really not that way, cause everybody’s vulnerable, yeah everybody’s ass is up for grabs. It’s really a groovy, eh… groovy system, and I think that, well the problem I had a long time of understanding the law is because of the language in the law and the fact that instead of taking each word and finding out the case that the word related to, once when I get lazy, and I would apply common sense. And then I got really screwed up. That’s really weird, I went to the Supreme Court three times trying to get a writ of mandamus, and they kept sending it back, the clerk, they kept saying what the language said append the copy of order in respect of which the writ is sought. And I keep sending this copy of the lower court, they keep sending me back in respect of which the writ is sought. Then I dug, in respect of which, They use the word “of” like I use the word “to”. And ‘respect of’ means this kind of respect. In respect “of it”. So what they wanted, the Supreme Court, we want our judgement that these cats should respect us. Now the Supreme Court, right now there’s some bullshit now with obscenity. There’s an obscenity circus that’s been going on for five years. And I think, I really can’t believe that it’s not settled yet. An illiterate view of the law is that, what’s obscene is dirty screwing and fancy screwing. If a guy can tear off a piece of ass with class, then he’s cool. But if the author depicts factory workers, who are not expertise with stag shows, then it’s obscene. Which is just nonsense. A lot of the confusion maybe with the obscenity laws is this: it’s that, the judges who are confused just didn’t read.
 Here’s how it works: if a guy gets busted, see, and he raises a federal question and the appellate court answers it, that answer is mine, and yours. That’s equal protection from the law that decision, that one court. So in 1933 when a judge got Ulysses trying to come in the country, you dig, and the customs and tariff people said uh-uh, you can’t bring that book in, you can’t come in the country, it’s obscene. So these people said, no we want the book to come in and we want to knock of the injunction to restrain and they move forward. The judge said OK I’m gonna read the book, but I’m not gonna apply this Hickman rule anymore. The Hickman rule says that, uh, we should judge this book by the part, the portion of it, to the guy who gets horniest, quickest. The most corruptible mind in the community. I think, said this judge, we should apply to the average man, the reasonable man, the man with the normal, average sex instincts. To that cat. Then they add the balance, contemporary, to his average age, so to the guy, the average sex instincts, to his average age, his society, that’s all attested. So that means that that rule, when any judge has to judge any work, he always has to apply that rule first, and that was cool. Now goes, they said, well we better narrow it, because what’s happened here is that there is a lot of works of art, that may get people horny, and there’s a Los Angeles ordinance now in 1961 this guy got busted behind, and the judge said “I don’t need any art critics, I know what’s obscene.” But the judge didn’t know in that local court that that wasn’t the question this guy was asking. He said this ordinance is unconstitutional because it doesn’t have knowingly in it, and that’s the principle of the whole American law system, your intent. So how could I know it schmuck when these people told me in the book jacket that this is art. So it, doesn’t, the intent has to be there. So the lower court said bullshit, and the Supreme Court said bullshit to the lower court. And that’s when I started getting into trouble. Because from ’61 on came the argument between petulant lower court judges and the Supreme Court and spoiled rotten D.A.’s. When they lost the case…the city attorney in Los Angeles, every time he’d lose in Washington, I’d get my ass kicked when he got home. Just bitchin’, bitchin’, bitchin’, and still freed the Supreme Court, they keep movin’ ahead, movie’ ahead, their gonna do it their way. Now comes the California legislature, 1961. And the legislature here are geniuses and they came up with some kappa words. They said, what’s the sense of making the artistic merit of a work the defense to a prosecution? Because after the guy’s busted his ass is in jail. Then he has to defend himself. Let’s take it out of the defense to a prosecution move it to an element of the offense. Now it’s a crime to be utterly without artistic merit. That means the guy who makes the complaint the burden is on his ass, to prove it. He’s got to schlep up 50,000 art critics. And after they, if they would accomplish that…You know a lot of people say, well jeez, can’t you find anything that’s obscene, is there nothing obscene? Why we have this desperate need for it now is so many lawyers lost their ass on it, that it seems only right that we should have it. I mean, can you tell me nobody can commit treason? I mean Christ, then to you nothing’s treasonous. No it’s very tough, it’s very tough to stop the information, that’s where it’s all it’s at. Because the word the guy says is of no consequence. What the Constitution forbids is any bar to the communication system. They want nobody to abridge the right to say it one time, and one time to hear it. Nothing in the middle, nobody to tell you before hand that this isn’t too cool, because the information makes the country strong. A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to get it. And only if the country can know about…that’s why the Church and the State have to be separated all the time because the Church only wants a certain kind of information from their government, but since we have a lot churches and a lot of different people in this country, we gotta know about all the bad, bad shit, the worst of everything. The knowledge of it to be protected against it. Because if you don’t have a knowledge of it, and you just know about the good, and they just let the good come through, seeping through what they think is good, you end up like Hitler, cause he really got screwed around by that. He kept saying, “Am I doing it right?” “You’re doing great, they love you.” “Don’t bullshit, they don’t like me” “They love you, don’t listen to those liars. Kill him, who said that?” You really gotta separate the judicial, executive, and the legislative…and the most dangerous department, just the department itself, is the police, the District Attorney. Not the man, but the department is very dangerous for him. Cause it will gobble him up, and the whole reason for the Constitution was that there was like one King, he was the executioner of everything. So they said how we’ll do it now we’ll really make it safe, we vote on the rule, eat, sleep and crap, that’ll be the law constant, then if anybody busts us for eat, sleep, and crap, breaking the rule, they have to go first to the judge, the judge has to look up the book, and then he’ll make a round robin. Otherwise, no one guy. What happens, two hundred dollar police undercover girl investigation. Two hundred dollar call girls. Now there was no warrant for search. Now the Fourth Amendment and all those things because of a bad kiss ass newspaper have been turning into protection for thieves, but it’s not. It’s to protect the executive branch from becoming thieves. Because what happens, without judicial superintendents, in other words, if, if the executive branch can make any inquiry at all without a judge signing it, then he can go the whore house every night, and he can spend two hundred bucks a night getting laid every night and when he gets caught, “What are you doing?” “I’m investigating.” But if he’s got a whore house warrant for search, then there’s no bullshit. Then when the crap rule comes in, you, you, you, you, and you, no I’m investigating, there it is, cool. Describes particularly what I was searching for, what the complaint was. Because what happens is that you’ve… the money spent on a two month undercover investigation of hookers…maybe $15,000 dollars,, no when you go to court, the whore is on the stand she’s not gonna say she got $15,000, she’s gonna say “I didn’t get a nickel!” Cops gonna say, “Well, what do you expect from whores.” Maybe he didn’t get the fifteen grand. And that’s where, that’s always the desperate need to control vice. That’s what all the bull, that’s what all the pornography is. If you check the records, there’s not one citizen that bought a dirty book. Every case has been initiated by the police department. So it’s not literature they, just, it’s a big smokescreen. There’s money spent on those books. A fortune pissed away. How many copies of Henry Miller? And they don’t even read em, so it’s all bullshit. Uh, five dollars, OK, three dollars, certificate…then when it really gets dangerous is, see, what happens, it’s poor people who, like, get hung up with good and evil, except it’s like, right and wrong. It’s like Prohibition. Chicago is still crippled from that, from the disease of Prohibition. What happened is that the moralists who thought they were moral didn’t realize what was happening, they kept saying “yes keep the Prohibition on” meanwhile the cops are making bread on gamblers, and nafka’s and swinging. When it’s the law out in front, then nobody has any excuse. No priests can be in a whorehouse, blessing, kissing them, saving them. No cop can be, no bullshit, everybody’s up for grabs, that’s it. Stay out of there, that means everybody, no protecting, no local home rule whores. My position is that, since the Constitution says that, there has to be judicial superintendents, that there, no peace officer has any place talking to anyone or making any inquiry whatsoever, search warrant is prerequisite to the inquiry. Because if he’s allowed to make any investigation, for a noise even, then he’s allowed to make determinations of who looks suspicious, and the only people who look suspicious to Jews are Irish drunks, so it’s all bullshit conclusions. Who could look suspicious? So we got suspicious looking people, we got N i g g e r Town, Whore Town, Polack Town, Kike Town. Yeah, it’s … you can’t hear the noise, unless he sees the crime, solid. Otherwise he can take the police car, and stick in two ex-convicts, friends of his, and say “Look, here’s the area that I’m sworn to protect. We’re gonna break in this warehouse and I’ll lay outside dead. We’ll haul the shit away in my car, if anyone comes on us, we’re investigating, and if we get caught in the interim, we just caught you. Alright, solid? Solid. Well the Sally Stanford thing for Christ sake, they had a different gimmick there, the guy was off-duty, he had an off-duty detective agency, so that gave him an excuse to carry a piece. Yeah, that’s really…that’s a lot of bread, a lot of money. What’s happening, the crime rate see has disappeared almost, and the task force that we hired, are getting bigger and bigger and bigger. There’s never any layoff in the Police Department. Well, here’s what I think happened to the crime rate. First thing, the basic need to steal is like for coal, you know, you’re hungry, alright, so now the economy is up, so that went disappear-o. OK, now there’s a second need to break the law was for some sign of, you’d have some status, there’d be some virility. OK, the fact that now we have health and safety, give these people analysis, that screwed that in the ass, cause no one wants to be sick. So as soon as it could be helped, that screwed up that whole scene. Now there’s just nothing left. Narcotics, now they finished with heroin. I think in 1951 there was like about seven thousand dope fiends in this state and 50 narcotics officers. Today there probably about 15,000 narcotics officers and four dope fiends. 1500 nihiling, testing stations, lupometers…and they got four dopey junkies left. Old time, 1945 hippies. One guy works for the county, undercover, the other guy works for the Federal heat. OK, so finally they went on strike. “Look we don’ use dope anymore, we’re tired.” “C’mon out, we’re just after the guys who sell it.” “Schmuck! Don’t you remember me, you arrested me last week. I’m the undercover guy for the Federals.” “Uh, I thought he was the county guy.” it’s like Sambo running around the tree. He works for the Federal, he works for the County. “Look we’re after the guys who sold it to you, OK” “Nobody sold it to me, I bought it from him, I told ya.” “Um, well we…just point out one of the guys.” “Don’t ya know him? There’s four of us, I told ya that.” “Just tell us the names of the guys, cooperate now. Tell us everybody.” “OK, he was a Puerto Rican. He drove a Green Buick.” “OK, we’ll wait for him, OK.” Three days of that schmucky investigation…”Is that him?” “Well I think it’s so an so…I think he was Hawaiian anyway..” “OK, don’t forget, if you hear from him.” “OK, I’ll call you the first thing.” OK, now they finished up with that nonsense, and they says, “Let’s see now, we’ve got all these hospitals, you mean to tell me you guys are going to screw up that rehabilitation program? You mean to tell me that you’re, if you’re not using any dope, you certainly know some people that need help.” We don’t know anybody, we don’t know anybody, please…I can’t use anymore dope, I don’t like it.” Well, you really are selfish, that’s really, you really don’t care about anybody but yourself. You know we have a center to rehabilitate people with 1500 empty beds?” “I know I’m shitty that way. I’ll try, but…OK.” OK, so now they’ve got dangerous drugs. Now the insanity in that area, is that the reason that Heroin is verboten it’s no good for the people. Its…it destroys the ego.
 And the only reason we only get anything done in this country, is that, you wanna be proud of it, and build up to the neighbors, and if the opiate schleps all that away, and the guy goes, the top comment he’ll come up with, the guy who builds the building, is “Hey that’s cool..” and that’s it. So it’s no good. It’s no good for everybody, and that’s why it’s out. But that’s…the Source is no good. That’s where it goes right to the source. But dangerous drugs, the connection is Park-Lilly. It’s Olin Mathieson. The source is not bad for the people, so the only difference between the felon is the guy who can’t afford a prescription. So they legislate against poor people, which is really schmucky. Marijuana…I don’t smoke shit, I’m really glad that I don’t smoke it, I’m really gonna…in five years it’ll be legal. But then no one will smoke it anymore, you’ll see. Most of the law students I know smoke marijuana, that’s why it’ll be legal. Yeah. You know what I’d like to investigate? Zig-Zag Rolling Papers…Yeah, bring the company up on that. Now we have this report Mr. Zig Zag, certainly it must’ve been unusual to you that Zig Zag papers have been in business for 16 years and Bugle tobacco has been out of business for five years. This committee comes to the conclusion that the people are using your Zig Zag cigarette papers to roll marijuana tobacco in it . Aww, shit, that’s right. Lot’s of it. Rolling it and smoking it. You know, I really felt sorry for that cat, what was his name, Wallen….Grand Kleagle cause it’s a repeat of the Communist witch hunt. The fact that the Ku Klux Klan, one guy lynched people, that means that anyone who ever belonged to it and knows about it lynched people, which is bullshit. So what they do, and it’s really… when your ass is on the pan like that I’m sure it’s really frightening, especially when they take you…did, they didn’t…where did they hold that investigation? Oh, that’s really outrageous then, cause they can’t do that, it has to be in the district, he has to be tried by his peers, no matter what, in his district. Because when you take him out of his district, there’s one trauma, cause you take him in a whole different geography, and Southerners are, they’re people of the Earth, they don’t…they’re…it’s a different country. Religious people, and the talk is different then North, and they’re rappin’ questions at him, and he like hears one out of every ten words. And he just, is really frightened, just… Dig those schmucks, they’re pissed off – “You’re really not real Ku Klux Klan, you’re not spending the money on rope. You’re having good times with it.” Is that ridiculous? This poor cat didn’t want to admit that he was an American citizen. He kept saying I refuse, I refuse, I decline, and that asshole Time magazine, really make always make it seem shabby, the Fifth Amendment. he declined so many times, he mumbled it, and declined, declined. naturally the cat didn’t want to admit anything cause the last time he admitted anything at the Constitutional Convention the carpet baggers screwed his grandaddy ass, that was it, bye-bye, so he’s very weary and wary of the North, because he knows it’s a whole different scene. And it’s amazing that the Southerner, has no hostility for the Negro, the same way as the court has no hostility for me, they have the hostility for the people that defend me. That’s why they yell all that shit/play drop the n i g g e r, to bug them. So it’s the banner fighting between those two people. Oh. Lotta dues. Lyndon Johnson, they didn’t let him talk for the first six months. It took him six months to learn how to say knee-grow. Nig-ger-oh. OK, let’s hear it one more time Lyndon, now… OK, let him pose again, ok..neig-ar-oh…no…can’t you say, look, say it quick, knee-gro! like that. N i g g e r-oh-oh n i g g e r-oh…I can’t help it! i can’t say it that’s all! I can’t say n i g g e r-oh, pissin’ in bed and everything, stuttering, I can’t, what the hell, big n i g g r o-oh nahg-raw…let me show em a scar…no no no. Just say it, and say it, that’s it…yeah, he’s completely confused. Well, really, that family is so…that’s really…there’s a certain kind of non-Jewish look, that, they could pass any test. They are the biggest non-Jews in the world. No question they walk right through the line. The wife with the white flannel satchel, a zipper up the front, with red nail polish…she’s beautiful. She looks at home in a trailer park. Yeah. Dig. There’s…here, it’s so strange. Not the people necessarily involved with the religion but the religion itself, Catholicism. A genius religion. Three years ago I was wondering, I used to do a bit, four years ago, Religions Incorporated, so my view at that time was here’s a rich church, Catholicism, next door is poverty, so it’s hypocrisy. Obvious view, So I started digging, digging, reading really getting into it, and I realized, the reason for the baroque Church, the grand Church in the poverty neighborhood, is that, what the Church is is a school, it’s a method of instruction. And people who have no understanding, who need instruction, don’t know about Philosophy, they can only understand material things. So a raggedy ass guy won’t go into a raggedy ass temple. “I live in a shithouse, why’d I gotta go in one for?” But if you show him something nice he can understand then you can instruct him. So the ecumenical council really are geniuses and they make some tremendous moves. So I figure there’s a group looks to undermind them. Somebody talked Lyndon Johnson’s daughter into converting. That sent the religion back two-thousand years. That dress she had on, she looked like a Guatamalen slave. Real Philomena at the wedding there, with it’s, terrible, looked like a National Geographic picture. He’s-uh…yeah he’s it’s…showin’ his scar is beautiful, that’s just-uh, that’s just where it’s at, he’s a shit kicker. He’s just a….Yeah, it’s a…it was a mistake. Yeah, cause the presidency is a very sophist….Kennedy was just, yeah just a genius at organization, a sophisticated man, and sophistication just means knowledge, learning a lot of background there. And the other guy is, uh….I’d like to get some tapes of those people, what goes on…yeah, that would really be a treat to hear them. I was just thinking of the guy, you know the picture of Oswald when he got shot. That’s Lyndon Johnson’s relationed face to the other guy, with the big, you know that guy with the hat on? Like a big Texan, “Oh Shit”. To be that obvious, to be able to react, “OHHH EAAHHHUH”. Check out that practice, so you don’t get yelled at. “UHHHH UH EAAAHHHUH” You know, why Ruby did it, uh, this is subjective, but….cause he was Jewish, and uh….You know I really wanna…I’d really like to tell you that, I wanna tell Christians that…that….Why I can tell it to you because it’s all over now, ya know. I wouldn’t cop out when it was going on, but it’s, it is all over now. Up to about six-seven years ago there was such a difference between Christians and Jews that, but maybe you did know. But…you…shewww…forget about it, just a line there that was just…And the brotherhood of Christians and Jews was like some fifth column bullshit, I dunno, it was like a phony dummy board. Yeah, because…No, I don’t think so, I don’t think the Christians did know it, because only the group that’s involved…it’s like the defense council knows it because he has a narrow view, where the D.A., he’s hung up with a bigger practice, so it’s the same with the Jew is hung up with his shit and maybe the Christian…because, uh, when the Christians say, “Oh is he Jewish? I didn’t know, I can’t tell when someone’s Jewish” I say well that’s bullshit. But he….can’t, because he never got hung up with that shit, you now, who is he Jewish, and Jews are very hung up with that all the time. Why Ruby did it, see…when I was a kid I had a tremendous hostility for Christians my age, the reason I had the hostility is that I had no balls for fighting, and they could duke. So I disliked them for it, but I admired them for it and there was a tremendous ambivalence all the time of admiring somebody who could do that, you know, and then disliking them for it, and the neighborhood that I came from, there were a lot of Jews so the problem, there wasn’t a big big problem, and my elders were not concerned with punching. But Ruby came from Texas, and a Jew in Texas is a tailor. What went on in his mind, I’m sure….”If I kill a guy that killed the President, the Christians will go ‘Shewww…boy what Balls he had! We always thought the Jews were chicken shit but look at that. A Jewish Billy the Kid rode out of the West!'” And the Christians will hug him and kiss him, and love him, and boy they’ll say ‘Oh boy he saved everybody’. But he didn’t know that it was just a fantasy….from his grandmother, telling him about the Christians, who punch everybody. Even the shot was Jewish, the way he held the gun, it was a dopey Jewish way. Ha ha! Real d’Artagnan. He probably went ‘nah’ too, that means “there” in Jewish, “nah. Nah” Yeah, it’s…and Belli didn’t um…he forgot the geography. No, it’s the same kind of law, it really is in the words, you just have to speak them slower in that area and you have to dress…there’s just a few kinda changes, but they don’t change the substance of the law, it’s like, as good a case as I can have with you, if I pick my nose, although it’s not dishonest, it’s just gonna lose it, ya know. So Belli didn’t wear the right suit, because anybody who’s suit fits em good in the South looks like a damn pimp. And he should have known that but the fact that he was offended with the judge chewing tobacco, see, cause that’s the natural thing down there. There was like a dopey picture I saw going around and it said “This is your local Police Department” and it showed some kinda cops in a Southern place, and they were laughing and the guy, oh, smoking a cigar, that’s was it. But that’s just the behavior in the Southern court, and the fact that everyone was laughing they don’t know that Southerners are just…they’re child-like in that area, they’re not sophisticated with picture taking. They see a picture, you smile. That’s why they’re always smiling in the pictures , they’re not arrogant, but they’re just, you’re supposed to smile when you take a picture. And the Northerners are just hipper, they do the cool…So Belli trying to sell those jurors anything, the voir dire must have just broke their balls, you know. That qualifying must have really got ’em good and crazy, you know you have two days to…whadda ya….yeah any attorneys here forget that, the…If I was an attorney I would grab the…here is here’ll be my pitch to the jury. First place, no qualifying, I pick… no challenges at all. First jurors come up, there the jurors. “You jurors, you people think a lot of the community because you vote, and that’s why you’re jurors. Give’em all a hundred bucks a piece and get ’em laid, and that’s it.” I’d be a terrible Law Professor, “What’d he say at the end there?” “Give’em a hundred bucks and get ’em laid.” “Professor, can we talk to ya…the conclusion that you made there, give ’em a hundred bucks and get ’em laid” “Yeah, yeah get ’em laid, it all counts.” “But that don’t fit with the beginning of the conversation.” “Well it’s all bullshit, you gotta figure round.” “Ah, he’s bottled out, get him..” Yeah, Belli talking to those people, he sounded to that jury like the Southern attorney would sound to Greek-Irish-Italian Northern jurors. “Look here now Jurors, I like Italian people, that’s first off, I see we got some Italian people here by the…I’m gonna take you, a little story now, this buck n i g g e r and this Jew boy wahhhhhh! “What’d the hell everybody get so hot for?” “Just shut up, don’t say anymore.” “What’d I say, it’s a cute story, everybody gets a kick out of it.” “No they don’t, just shut up….I can’t explain it. You look South, you’re hairs wet, I don’t now what it is. Just dummy up, that’s all.” uh-huh….F a g g o t s….Dig, isn’t the argument against pornography that, what the pornog–selling the pornography, making it available to the public, is that the man is happily married, or he’s just a happy cat, and you come along now with some matter that the main thrust of the matter, the predominate appeal is to his prurient interest, and what you’re doing is entrapping him, you’re inciting him, something that the guy wouldn’t be thinking about ordinarily, you’re getting him horny. You’re getting it up, and you’re not getting it off, and you’re creating a clear and present danger and it’s worthless…and so that’s the objection to it, and that’s a valid objection. But the consistency necessarily follows that the guy who–when I hear about f a g g o t s who get arrested in toilets, and I say, “How’d you get arrested in a toilet?” “Well, I accosted a peace officer.” Well, ha-ha, that’s certainly no concept of reality there. “Well I didn’t know he was a peace officer.” “Whaddaya mean?” “Well, he didn’t have a uniform on.” “Well he wasn’t wearing a costume was he? He wasn’t wearing a low-cut gown, because what a low cut gown to a f a g g o t must be is tight Levi’s and a padded basket, like uh…I mean, he wasn’t wearing Levi’s and leaning up against the urinal like sultry like that…cause if he was that’s bullshit. Because he was appealing to your prurient interest, and entrapping you. You can’t do that. It’s a funny thing all the different stages that we’ve all…my generation was, well…me, I’m amazed by any guy who can go into a public toilet and do anything but piss and leave. Guys who can wash their hands are amazing to me. I just go ehuhehuhwwwshhhupout. Don’t ‘I want to talk to you’ “Not in there, are you kidding?” Yeah, cause if someone says, “What are you doing in the toilet?” “I don’t know…” “The hell are you doing in there? Did you make?” “Yeah, I did it…” “Alright, now hang around here, okay..” So I saw, dig what I saw, a beautiful change. I went to…Phil Spector had like a big rock & roll jamboree at Tammi’s, filming it, so I went there and I see this ten year old kids there all kids, like nine and ten years old, with no parents. So my first thought was like, what the hell, unattended, but I saw it’s like a whole different generation, everything was very cool. Nine and ten year old kids! It’s ten o’clock, eleven o’clock at night…My generation, children out at night, lurking in the bushes….I would never have the nerve to talk to any strange chick. She’s a really beautiful chick, I’d never have the nerve to hit on her. In a house, somebody introduce, solid. But guys who can like drive past in cars and go hello even, the reason I have never had the nerve is that my mother and my aunt, the way they reacted to guys, the way they told me, everyday they would come home and tell me stories about some guy that was behind the bushes exposing himself. There was a band of dedicated perverts who spent their whole life in trick positions…”Ok jim, whoo-hoo hello lady there, eh bup-bup the bushes there, ok aging seven you’ve got your position by the book, eh the newspaper, you flash, the hat, ok…you-hoo here we are here! Find the schmuck in the bush. Yeah. invidious discrimination. All waiting for them. So I know what everything is. I said “Nema, you’ve got the market cornered! We’ll film these guys, I mean they’re amazing how they…the elevator doors open up “Whoo-hoo here we are!” How do, when they separate my mother and my aunt, one’s running and so and heh, and pocketbooks, and they’re ready, boy. That pocketbook. I figured that after all these years they were really bullshit stories, like little guys always telling about, “And I said you big prick you.” Those little guys will always tell you about they knocked the shit outta this big guy, so it’s my mother and my aunt telling me this nonsense story about a pocketbook ‘and I give a hamayoupow.” Maybe that was a dopey lie, telling me they were good women everyday, right. Missed a guy, and I give em a good pocketbook, a dopey big black pocketbook at everybody. With a good parrot scream byeahhh!! Eh-heh! I know my aunt never did it to anybody. Ever. I just know it, I know I know I know. She was bald. My aunt was bald, the bald headed lady. Little teeny teeny hair. And wrinkled. And a cameo. A little little lady, she was very neat. And go “krinphkrinphkrinph” like that all the time. Krinphkrinph. There aren’t those kind of people with tics anymore, someone who go, guys really like, drive across country with those guys you’ve really had it. Ticcers, heh-ha. They’re gone all those. I think midgets are gone. And they’re only certain kinds midgets who are real midgets. They’re are no Jewish midgets. A true midget is, he’s got dirty blond hair, and neat as a pin. Little brown shoes and they’re this big. I wonder if….are Pygmies midgets? Colored midgets. Wonder would a colored cat get offended, listen any relation between Pygmies and midgets? Wouldn’t Governor Wallace shit? Demonstrating, a bunch of Pygmies. Ahhhhgh! Give em salt, give em salt, that’s all, that’s a, yeah…yeah, it’s really…Little teeny midgets, those kind I’m talking about, they’re really patties. And where do they get they’re bread from? Who supports them? They don’t pay any income tax at all. There’s a lot of people screwing our government. So don’t be too nice to them. Cause we’ll drag you up before the House of Un-American Activities Committee. Just by encouraging them, by omission. It’s your duty as a citizen to bust their ass, and demand, “Where are you getting your money from?” They hate to be picked up, they hate that. That’s why I hate them, they don’t want to be hugged. Heh-heh, I picked one up, see, and he got mad. “Put me down!” “Ok, but you’re so cute, I pick ya!” They comb their hair with soap. Bela Lugosi’s son is an attorney. Is that weird, he passed the Bar. He must hear those dopey jokes all the time. I loved that, when he got arrested, he was a dope fiend, Bela Lugosi, I almost shit. The Monster. He was the worst advertisement for rehabilitation, he was a dope fiend for seventy years, he cleaned up and dropped dead. The scene is…I was gonna relate him to Christ. Did you read that in the paper? Was it geologists, this is a vague recollection I have of it. That it was the custom at the time, Christ was crucified, for Jewish women to give the people who were about to be crucified a drug that would put them in a death like trance, and that this happened, that Christ’s mother gave him the drug, and that he was…that’s, wow. That’s amazing if that’s true. Ruby gets paid back. How the Negro and the Jew got into Show Business. The Negro had a boss that worked him twenty hours a day. So he wanted to get off a couple of hours, and the guy “Get back to work.” “I don’t feel good today.” “Don’t mind that bullshit get back to work, back to work.” He kept coming up with different gimmicks, “my kid’s sick” “back to work.” Couldn’t–kept trying to come up–how can I “Hmmm hmmm ohhh Lord” “Hey! I didn’t know you guys could sing.” “Ohh oh Looord ohohhh Lord.” “Hey, put the hoe down, come over here, lemme hear that again.” “Llooord oh my Lloorrdd” “Can he sing? He sings” “Ohhoh Lloorrdd.” “Hey get some wine, this is ok.” They partied, and the weeds went over everybody, right? And sang their ass right off the farm. Now the Jew had a hipper boss. You couldn’t bullshit the Egyptian that quick. No. Jew kept working at it, working…”Never mind the horseshit, thank you, we’ve got the pyramids to build and that’s where it’s at. We’re gonna get it up, it takes your generation, next generation, you do a nice workman like job, here.” “Oh thank you.” “Get outta here with that horseshit, now stop it now. Becoming very fine, very fine.” What a gig, right, you know you got another forty years on the job, shewww…what, that’s a, shewww…you still can’t get a piece of straw through there. So the Jew kept working at being charming, working at it, even though he never carried it off, but he got so good at it that was his expertise. “Hey, let’s go watch the Jew be charming. Hey Jew, do that charming bit for us there. We know you’re bullshitting, but you do it so good we get a kick out of it. So now the Jew has got theater. He’s the actor. He’s the charming actor. Now he has the show business industry knocked up. He has the film industry, he controls it, he’s writing the pictures, making the images that people are the good people and bad people. Now you never see any Jewish bad guys in movies ever. Ever, ever. And you see a lot of pictures about Christ, a ton of religious pictures. In the most respectful position. And the reason that is, I’m sure, the way of the Jew saying “I’m sorry.” That’s where it’s at. And I wanted to do a film showing, because I’m sure that day in the cell, it’s just like, it’s in the tank, you know like four, five, six people in the cell there, and there was Gestas, Dismas, and okay they’re gonna get crucified, this guy was probably crapped out in the corner, Gestas and uh…”OK, you two.” “What?” “You’re gonna get crucified today.” “Oh, get my file down here, that’s bullshit.” “Ok, get ready all you guys, you’re all getting crucified in this cell.” “Look, I’m the good thief, what are you bullshitting me for, I’m in here for checks!” “C’mon you get ready, you’re getting crucified.” “Heh-heh, I’m not getting crucified, get my file down here. I’m the good thief, I’m here for petty theft, you understand? Checks. I’m not gonna get crucified now. I don’t know what the hell this guy is doing, but, uh, good luck to him.” OK, now he sees their getting them all ready and they’re moving him. “Hey! What the hell are you kidding with this shit? I’m not getting crucif–hey, mister, do me a favor, there’s a mistake here, they think that I’m with you for some reason here. Christ says, “Don’t worry you’ll be with me.” “C’mon with that, I’m not with you, now tell em, c’mon it’s no joke now, we’re going up the hill here.” He’s praying, and everybody’s praying and pushing him. “Hey c’mon wit—get the Public Defender. C’mon this is bullshit now!” Now they’re up on the cross. “Hey mister, please before it’s too late, do me a favor, ok? Tell em?” He says,”Don’t worry, you’re with me…” “Stop saying that, will you? I’m not with you, ok? I mean I’m with you, I like you, but stop telling these assholes that I’m with you. They think I’m with you means that I’m with you, that I conspired with you, I don’t know. Look, don’t be pushy, I like you, ok? I don’t know what you’re talking about, I woke up I’m getting crucified, I’m here for checks, I can’t get crucified. I’m being denied due process, I’m entitled to do my time for checks first. And I don’t wanna get crucified, I can’t go now, ok? I’ll meet you later. C’mon, don’t be pushy now, okay? Okay, mah? they all went. And the guy came back…”Hey? You’re right. I knew you weren’t bullshitting, but heh-heh, I had a lot of faith in you, but you meet a lot of weird people in the joint, you know? You relax, I’ll talk to the press, that’s all. Then he started to wonder about if the Messiah is gonna come back. Moses is hanging it up. They tried to get him back like five times already and he will not come back because he’s embarrassed. Charlton Heston is 6’3, he’s 5’1. And he’s vain. “I can’t I’m a schmuck…” “It’s what ya got up here” “Nah…I ain’t got no clothes anyway, I’ll look weird. And I’ll get my teeth fixed.” “Nah” The Pope is too much. He looks like the Birdman of Alcatraz and Eichman combined, yeah. He waver…”Arrive arrive…” He’s really cute, he’s a little bird, bloobloobloo….I wonder what was goin’ on in his head there. Spellman looks like Shirley Temple. That’s what I got in trouble for in New York, for saying that. Heh-heh…but a Priest told me that! That’s what burns me up. Ha-ha! That’s what really pissed me off. That’s a spynce Shirley Temple. Ha! That’s funny Shirley Temple, that’s good imagery, right? The Post Office. Do you know how much I love the Post Office? I love the Post Man so much. I really feel that’s the only place where the authority and the man are one. That’s the man, they’re incorruptible. I don’t know anybody who knows the Post Man’s name. They’re really snotty man, it’s a…who’d have the audacity, “Come on over have a drink, leave the truck there..” I feel that the Post Man, the people that work for the po–and it’s amazing, no, there’s no, they’re maintaining any order there, no police authority, just cool Post Office. There’s always a Japanese guy behind the registry window and zaszu…Heh, it’s a trick thing to have a treaty, one Jap, one szchupbupup, heh! I know, that they’re the true Law, because with the Law, the Law’s not concerned with your purpose, with how noble it is. And the Post Man wouldn’t let a package go three cents light for the Rabbi’s Priest’s ass. He won’t get off it jim. “Are you kidding you want all those people to die for four cents?” “Sorry, knupk” Who would have the audacity to ever to try to cross that line? “Look I know where the package is..” You kidding me with that? “Open the box up right now, it’s mine…” hmm-hm. No one would even say that to him. Even if he had a gun, hmm-hm. There’s always a certain kind of wait, always somebody…if I ever heard of a theft at the Post Office I’d die. “What?” “Oh yeah, they opened up the mail and they’ve been reading letters, and…” “Nyaugch” Like that, Post Office, going through snow and sleet. But they don’t like when dog’s bite them. That’s one thing they won’t put up any shit. The dog bites? That’s it, we’re not delivering anymore mail to you. Dig what balls the Sheriff in Sacramento county had. His dog bit the Post Man, Post Man said no more mail, he said bullshit we’ll give you no more protection. Haha-ha. Schluffa they don’t need it. They got the stamps hidden. I have a book here I want to show you. Debby is a Nun. It’s another trick, a little Lyndon Johnson trick. This is a Bess magazine. What if he catch me reading this shit all the time? “This is your reading material?” “It certainly is. Photoplay, are you kidding?” “You’ve got guts!” Editorial page, ayda-eda look at the ads, Cutex, World’s Most–oh it’s all lady kinda ads…Adjustable Dress Form…I didn’t finish the story about uh, the Nun story here, lemme find it…there’s no more movie stars. Doris Day. Rock Hudson. Why Elvis locked himself in his bedroom for three days. Patty Duke. The few: There’s too good to be true, that’s the end of the two stories, now the fold out Post Man, heh-heh. Smart. The Study of Art. Hudson. Blew it, there’s not an interesting thing, I can’t lie to you. Try one more time. Okay, let’s see…Dorothy Malone’s First Interview After Her Brush With Death. Frozen. Look at that balcony up there…hope none of you guys are doing your usual chicks in the balcony. Don’t bring any heat on me, you know. Do your pervert stuff in the newsreel theater, but not…no, ya gotta time and a place you know…..heh. Ok, oh ok, I Increased My…With The Fabulous Mark Eden method I increased my bust measurement from a 34-B to a full 36-D i just eight weeks. They always give you time limits right? Just so you know you got something to look forward to. Ding-boom. Barbara Hayes received her Mark Eden Bust Developer and course on April 1, 1965, on which time her bust measurement was 34-B and eight weeks later n May 20, 1965 her bust had increased to a full and lovely god damn! A lovely 36-D! That bitch is hunchback. But we kept our promise we didn’t say it was comin’ here somewhere. The Mark Method just builds your back up. This amazing increase–I know that they put–they, the guy that makes the copy for these must know that these are gonna be read in jail because that’s the onlybody who’s got time to read all of that shit…hah. Just forever and ever and ever. This amazing increase in bust size and contour is achieved solely through the faithful use of the Mark Eden bust developer and of course during that time Barbara was adding these firm and lovely inches to her bustling, her weight did not change, her eating and living habits did not change, the only change she made in her life was to spend a few minutes each day practicing the fabulous Mark Eden method. Her bust line developed in the privacy of her own home. As you can see from her after, in quotes, photo, she has certainly achieved a most attractive, full, and shapely bust line for her efforts. She wants real numbers like that, hunch over, elbows pushing forward there, and standing on her head. Uh, Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer and who through its use, are reporting gains–that’s good devious writing. Barbara Hayes is one of the many many hundreds of women across the United States who have ordered the Mark Eden Bust Developer comma and who comma through its use comma are reporting gains of two three four and even more–that one letter we got was tough. She says “You name it, it’s not stopping.” We get letters from women who were flat chested and now feel like real women for the first time because of Mark Eden…Who are you Mark Eden? A damn rascal, you, hah-hah.” Are there any real tits left? Damn your silicone. Are they real? I told you they’re real. How will I ever know though? Will you take a lie-detector test that those are your own tits? Yes, I told you. I can’t believe, you can’t….they’re too real to be real. Here’s the thing, this-this, I don’t see any chicks that turn me on anymore, ya know…but think, I ah-h, here’s how I now I’m getting old, cause I really did go through, I says, I haven’t seen any girls that really stimulate me, that look good to me. And you, it’s really corny, but dig what I miss: lipstick and powder. Is that weird? I like em with paint on em, ha-ha! To smell like ladies. Lily, lipstick, and powder. Now if I really get racy, pancake makeup. And a cheap, black, crepe dress that’s low-cut. Make a book up, see, and the book on its face will look like….it’s one of those very erudite How To Make Out, Same-Sex Marriage, those kinda nut books, ya know. But if you follow the instruction of this book, you never make out at all. Ever. Really constructed so that’s a zero no-score. Sell it for $45 in plain wrapped brown paper. Now in it says, it says, Instructions: Always go over the house for dinner and meet the folks. And don’t forget when you go over the house and meet the folks, you compliment, and it’s just the dialogue the guy is supposed to use, say, say to the father, you know, “Oh Mr. Johnson, boy your daughter’s got a terrific shape on her, ha. God bless her, boy she gotta a body I’m telling ya. And your wife has got a nice shape on her too.” Then, when you’re out on a date, they like little jokes, it’s, then there’s a certain kinds, maybe not for this generation, my generation, certain kinda things that you just couldn’t say, just verboten, that just cringe, embarrassing things, that no one ever, here’s a kinda….stab your heart joke. Just keep saying’, “Whaddaya got the rag on?” Keep saying that, they like that, they get a kick, they like people who are frank, “Whaddaya got the rag on? Whaddaya got the..” keep saying’ it all night, that’s ah okay. And then, when you’re in the car, if you just ask them in a nice way for it, just say, and be cute about it, use euphemisms, double entendres. Say, “Oh, I wonder if I could get some nookie?” That’s very cute. “Oh boy, I wonder who’d give me some nookie, boy I wonder.” And they just think that’s so cute, and you’ll get it right away. And just say extra things, like “Boy I would, would I appreciate it, hah, that always, boy I’d appreciate that boy. I’d tell everybody what a nice person you were too.” I think that, a lot of marriages went West, ya know they went split up, uh, my generation, ladies didn’t know that guys were different, I mean different…it’s very tough for chicks to realize that although we speak the same language, that yer, you can have babies that’s j-j different ya–your so, it’s like, no guy ever cheated on his wife, ever. But ladies….would get hurt and wanna leave the husband because they thought the husbands cheated and they never did cheat because what cheating means I know. To a lady, it means kissing and hugging and liking somebody. You have to at least like somebody. Guys that doesn’t enter into it, all the time, no. Ladies are one emotion, and guys detach, not consciously detach, but they just do, detach. Like, a lady can’t go through a plate glass window and go to bed with you five seconds later. But guys can have head on collisions with Greyhound busses. In disaster areas. Everybody’s laying dead on the highway, not in the hospital, in the ambulance, guy makes a play for the Nurse. “How could he do a thing in a time like that.” “Well I got horny” “What?” “I got hot.” “How could you be hot when your foot was cut off?” “I don’t know.” “He’s an animal! He got hot with his foot cut off.” “I guess I’m an animal, ess-es-eh…” “What didja get hot at?” “The Nurses uniform..” He’s a moron, that’s all, he’s just an animal, he’s a…. No it’s…guys detach, and has nothing to do with liking, loving. You put guys on a desert island, they’ll do it to mud. Mud. So if you caught your husband with mud, some how you could get over seas there, “Mmuudd!! Don’t talk to me, that’s all….you piece of shit, leave me alone, that’s all. Go with your mud, have fun. You want dinner? Get your mud to make dinner for you” that’s all. That’s-a it’s just that’s you can’t get angry at them, you can’t wanna leave them for that at all, no, it’s hum…You know, and that’s just subjective, in retrospect I really got a kick out of it. Getting divorced, the only true get even device, because I’m really convinced that no guy ever leaves a chick, you know. When chicks get cold, they really get cold, sshwooo…That’s, it’s over, really, when it’s over with them it’s really over, and guys can’t ever figure that out, they always figure there’s one more time there. And the guy is like, ss-I can’t-ss, well, I boump-boump-boump. Yeah, cause-eh, here’s what I figure it is, you always hear chicks say, ya know, “Oh I wish I could meet a man, someone with some dignity, a guy I can walk all over, you know, can really be a man-a man” but chicks don’t know that, it’s, guys are like dogs. You know you take a dog, you beat the shit out of him pow! ” Keep a “NEUUH-NEUUH-NEUUH”. Pow keep coming back. Ladies are like cats, you yell at a cat once, Siamese cat, shhhht their gone. So that kinda quality that ladies are looking for, you really want a guy to act like a lady. Cause those are lady like traits, that kinda spunk and they don’t need anything. I forgot what the fuck I was talking about…heh. I blew it completely. Where was I? I went up to za-zuh…hum…hah. Those television shows, really. Once in a while if I lose it you know and then try to bullshit and do this a while but then if it’s really gone it’s gone, so….Ya see, that’s where, the problem of being a performer, and a Judge can get away with that shit, ya know. “Hmmmmmnnn”, you know just completely dunked out, ya know. “That’s, I’ll take that under consideration” yeah, yeah. Let’s see I was here….oh, oh yeah I got it, good. I won’t lose it again but I’m trying to think where the thread of it was…oh yeah, OK. The Get Even. So the only Get Even you can have with a chick, cause they leave you, are the kids. That’s the only Get Even, that’s the sweet revenge: Get the kids. But you can’t be that obvious with it, you know, just get the kids because I want to get even with you, you shithead you. So the, all the struction, the foundation is “I went over there the kids wet” heh. Schmuck, then all of a sudden “The kids, I’m not gonna, the kid’s not gonna live like that, every time I go over the kid’s wet, the kid’s wet. Everytime, the kid she don’t take care of the kid, the kid’s wet, and uh that’s it. I’m taking that kid away from her because the kid’s wet. She’s having guys over there. “You saw any guys?” “No, but, when the kid’s are wet, that’s it. Take the kid, I got custody of my kids now, I love my kids. You’re not gonna be with that tramp anymore, blah-blah-blah…” “Where are the kids?” “With my grandparents.” Very good, uhm-hmm-hm….Now it’s, usually what happens is break up time, just like the first…if you’re gonna break up with your old lady, and ya live in a small town, make sure you don’t break up at three o’clock in the morning cause your screwed, there’s nothing to do. You sit in the car all night, park somewhere. Yeah. So make, at least, ya know, make it about nine in the morning so you can go to the five and ten and bullshit around and, worry them a little and come back at seven at night, ya know….”Oh, yeah never mind….I’m getting an apartment, that’s all, that’s eh..” Yeah because if you, eh, a bad break up then it’s like a long time break up. If you’re married seven years then you gotta kick for two. Oh yeah. I think there must be a mitzvah time. i think if you’re married fifteen-eighteen years, you get divorced, then you must lose your mind. Yeah they get senile, then they people, they get whacked out. There’s a certain critical area they’re married about seven-eight years where you really throw up for a couple of years. No really just “ORGHJK-YKKGGHH”, you know. And, the weird, if you broke up and you go anyplace alone, there’s always mamzers who ask you about you’re wife. “Where’s your old lady?” and I said, Chinese restaurants, “Where’s Momo? How come you don’t bring Momo in here anymore? Such a beautiful girl, where’s Momo?” “Look, I’m divorced.” “Oh, you better off. You don’t need her.” Where’s Momo…Now if you, go back together, the danger time, and here’s back to the religion again. There’s only one person you’re supposed to confess to. They are. Not anybody else. Priests, solid. But not husbands. They have no authority vested in them to hear any truth. So don’t listen to any of their shit, ya know, because what happens, when this–go back together, guy calls up, “Hello Vera, the only reason I called you, you left some of your crap over here. I don’t know a handkerchief, a gloves. Listen I wanna come over, we’ll shoot the shit, let’s see. Pay the tax bill.” Alright, back together, maybe kissing time, hugging time, in bed time. After bed time. “Hey Vera, uh, when we were broken up, didja make it with a lot of guys? Don’t be silly, said I don’t mind you can make it with anybody, don’t bullshit me….what the hell, it’s good for the goose, good for the gander. We were legally separated, I made it with a lotta lotta chicks, you’re entitled to make it with a lot of guys. I’d just like to know, for the hell of it, didja make it with a lot of guys? Howmanynanac’mon don’t bullshit me, I’m not gonna hit you now, I wanna know! I’m not gonna get mad, just for the hell of it, who did you make it with?” Don’t tell him, don’t cop out. Never cop out, if they got pictures deny it. Flat out. Just tell ’em it was some fag hair dresser, that’s all…thatsezya. Because if you ever do cop out, oh yeah, shih-shooo! “C’mon I’m not gonna get mad, tell me, I’d just like to know for the hell of it.” See, that’s what chicks don’t know about guys, that they…it’s that entrapment. Maybe it’s because their father’s did that to them. “Just tell me, who? Him? Pfff…I don’t give a shit but, but this is….that’s a shocker, that’s heh…heh, that’s the only thing is that it shocks me, I’m not mad but it, sfyeh what a kick in the ass that is, like…how the hell could you…you know what, you know why it shocks me cause you told me that you didn’t like him, you told me you didn’t want him over to the house, and ya go…how could you make it with him? That fat, disgusting piece of–you cunt pow. There’s a Peace Bond, schlepping away time, ah yes, with the Jewish mother in the middle with the teeth flying out vah-vah-vah!! The chenille robe, and uh…Yeah, that’s a…ha-ha. Wouldn’t this be, always wondered if ya get married again, the only problem with ever getting married again, if ya go, you have to go to some country where pfshhh…you have to marry somebody who speaks a different language and doesn’t speak any other language. Cause just in case, no but you’d always be afraid cause when your with the second old lady then you might say something in bed, and your wife would jump up behind the bed, “You aaa—-you said” oh god, “how could you say that to her when you said it to me?” “I just bullshitted her, I don’t love her…I just said that cause I knew you were behind the bed, that’s all.” Uh-huh…Jewish mothers, there are none that’s the expose. Oh another expose, I really want to confess to you one thing you never knew about me and….I have a pen name. Ralph Gleason. I’m Ralph Gleason. And I always wanted to uh, and you’re taking it good, I always thought you’d get pissed off at me for that. In fact I wrote the column for years and just drifted into this and decided I’d like to do a little comedy on the side and uh, you liked me and I thought I was doing good, so what the hell a few write ups don’t hurt anybody. And uh…you’re taking it good, that’s lovely. I want you to know that, another thing too that I’ve never been in jail, never been arrested, that’s all borshit. What it is see, I got a publicity agent that’s dynamite, and we have nine phony cops that work for Pinkerton, and we go from town to town the same bullshit, ya know. I get busted, I write the column the next day, and that’s where it’s at…heh. A few words now about Alaska and their stupidness…and ind-a…Alaska, don’t know if you know it or not, there are people up there that we’ve given a lot of money to and try to help them. Given a lotta lotta money to Alaska, to create some kind of image, we gave them statehood and they’re morons. They got one image, after all these years, some schmuck in front of a shack holding a fish knock. That’s all they’ve come up with, and some other nonsense fantasy that hookers get two-thousand dollars a minute for talking to people. If you probably go up there there’s ten-million stranded whores waiting to talk to somebody. “What’s the deal I thought there was supposed to be some talking, or…we just got bullshitted, right, there’s nobody? Just hookers up here….and Admiral Byrd. Heh-heh, he don’t go for a nickel. Now here’s a thought, I-I-I’ve….this is hearsay. Somebody told me–see they were using–the report was monkey glands on people, so you know, rejuvenate them, they live longer. Ok, now somebody told me they came back from Mexico, that they’re using human glands. “So-oh yeah? Well where do they get them?” “Has to be from live people.” Well people, there was–dying, and uh…it’s very expensive. So that’s what I said, what does it costs about a thousand dollars ya now…so I got hip, a lot of people are dying a lilschip-schzzch that’s uh, oh yeah, the hospitals a lil-bop-plah-bup, yuh, he’s dead, he’s almost dead, the hell is-uzza….Sure you’re gonna see is the more demand, the first place the state insane asylums are gonna be emptied out quick psshhhh! Yeah, that’s the first thing, all the nuthouses emptied out. All died very quickly, oh yeah, definitely. Because, all we have to do…see our moral concept is what’s–what, it’s–what’s accepted, what we will agree upon, that’s what the moral concept is. We–if we agree, that…killing a few will save the biggest, then we’ll agree on it. Like that’s–that’s was the objection that Catholicism had for many years, that contraception is murder. It doesn’t matter the degree of the murder, but-but since we all agreed on it now, contraception–bullshit, it’s cool. So it’s just the degree. So..if it comes right down to it, if we wanna live a little longer, it won’t-it won’t be accepted, just the sophisticated class, the gentry will cook with it first, ya know. Yeah, “Listen, I know a place and it’s ya now…” Yeah, and as soon as–the first time the government control–then they’ll have the farms. Yeah, raising people to, uh, to live. It’s a good liver, good heart, yeah. You’ll accept it, yeah, you’ll see. When it comes right down to the go-you go bye-bye, “These people don’t know anything, they’re raised for that purpose.” “Yeah, ya sure?” “I’m telling you…they like that.” Heh-ha! OK. “I wanna paper saying that he gave it up…oh and I can’t take the guys liver and his heart and his balls, all that stuff?” “Sure, are you kidding, he’s better off without it. He gets it the next time, don’t you know that? Nine thousand years I’ve been living now, it’s a…yeah, it’s a…schhhwoo….”"
1686241901-153,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Chris Rock: Never Scared (2004) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-never-scared-2004-full-transcript/,"Chris Rock pulls out all the stops in his no-holds-barred stand up comedy special which aired in April 2004 on HBO. Gleefully making fun of rap music over the years, the Jacksons, Kobe Bryant, R. Kelly, Krispy Kremes, strippers “paying themselves for college and giving a smart lap dance while wearing clear heels,” the dynamics of relationships between men and women, he also makes some very strong (but humorous) points when talking about how the government advertises approved medicines while maintaining a hypocritical attitude on drugs and weapons, and he drives the issue home as to the politics of wealth which draws a clear difference between Whites and Blacks (or non whites). Hilarious within an inch of its life, Chris Rock’s Never Scared is an excellent 90 minutes and maintains his own status as a strong comic presence. by nycritic [IMDb] * * * Recorded on March 24–26 2004 at the DAR Constitution Hall, Washington, D.C. I think he’s a funny guy. He’s original, he’s hilarious, he’s a superstar, and I have two tickets for me and my baby to go see him. Gonna be a great show. As he says, there’s black folks and there’s n i g g e r s. I think he’s a very progressive black man. I think he’s true with everything he says. He hits home, I mean, all his jokes are on point and you know exactly what he’s talking about. DC, are you ready? DC, are you ready? Give it up for my brother, the one, the only, Chris Rock!!! Thank you! Thank you all for coming out. Yes. Welcome. Sit yo asses down. Sit yo black asses down, man. Thank you all for coming out to my fourth HBO Special. That’s right, baby. Number four! Yeah! Yeah, this is the Kill Bill one, you know what I’m saying? Gonna do it right, man. It’s good to be here in Washington, DC. That’s right. Lovely Constitution Hall, that’s right, man. Now I haven’t toured in a long time, I haven’t done a special for a long time. I was waiting for special things to happen, and a lot’s happened in my life since the last time I was on the road, man. I had a little baby girl. It’s not a big deal. I mean, even roaches have kids, right? But I got a little baby girl. And it’s amazing when you have a girl – you’re a man and you have a girl, it’s eye-opening. Cos I realise I’m the man in her life. And my relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life. And every man in here has dated a woman with some daddy issues. That shit ain’t fun, OK? She giving you a hard time over some shit her daddy did in 1969, OK? That shit ain’t never fun. Sometimes I’m walking with my daughter, talking to my daughter, I’m looking at her in her stroller, and sometimes I pick her up and stare at her and I realise my only job in life… is to keep her off the pole. Keep my baby off the pole! They don’t grade fathers but if your daughter’s a stripper, you fucked up. Yeah. You went mighty wrong there, baby. You thought you had a household? No, you got a ho camp. I’m not making fun of the strippers cos some of these girls were abused. Some of them just missed a few hugs. Some of them were like, “Daddy, can we talk?” “Hey, I’m watching the game.” “I’ll show you! “I’m gonna dance naked to Mötley Crüe records. “I’m gonna change my name to Cinder Buns “and I’m gonna wear clear heels.” When did clear heels become the new whore uniform? When did that happen? Was there a big old ho convention and all the hoes got together and said, “We need something new. “Something that just says ‘nasty’.” One girl said, “I got it! Clear heels!” “Ooh, girl, you disgusting. You all right.”
 I got nothing against strippers. Somebody’s gotta do it. Somebody has to take on the monumental responsibility that the strippers do. Somebody’s gotta do it, somebody has to entertain the married men of America. Somebody has to do it. OK? Your wife, you know, your wife will take care of you but she ain’t gonna entertain you. Give your wife clear heels – “What the fuck is this shit? “Get this ho shit out my house. “Now wash your hands so you can eat.” I got nothing against the strippers. But the strip clubs are very addictive. Not to me but to other people. They are addictive. Every guy in here got a friend that’s addicted to strip clubs. Addicted like heroin, OK? Addicted. You know those guys that cannot function in a normal club. You take ’em to a normal club, they ask one girl to dance – “Would you like to dance?” “Maybe later.” “Yo, man, let’s go to the titty bar. “Man, these bitches is stuck up, man. “I gave this bitch a dollar, she didn’t do nothing.” No. We all got those friends that’s addicted to strip clubs. You know those guys that go to the strip club in the daytime? If you at a strip club and the sun is out, you got some problems. You know those guys that eat at the strip club? Eat at the buffet. How the fuck could you eat at a nasty-ass strip club? What? Are you that hungry? Motherfucker, go to Mickey D’s or some shit. Rwandan refugees won’t eat that shit. At a damn strip club. Titties and Tater Tots don’t mix. I got nothing against strippers. What I got a problem with is the stripper myth. You know the stripper myth. There’s a stripper myth that’s being perpetuated throughout society. The stripper myth is, “I’m stripping to pay my tuition.” No, you’re not. There’s no strippers at college. There’s no clear heels in biology. Shit, man. I didn’t know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. And if they got so many strippers at college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said, “If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio.” “You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.” Now, I’m 39 years old, 39 years old. Yep. Some people are like, “Really?” Yeah. New Jack City‘s a long time ago. Now, I’m 39, right? And I still love rap music, I love rap music. You know, I love it! You know, I’m 39, I’m that age, I’ve been loving rap music forever. As I get older, I realise I’m gonna love rap music when I’m 80. Whatever music was playing when you started getting laid, you gonna love that music for the rest of your life. So I’m always gonna have a soft spot for Whodini, you know what I mean? Now I love rap music but I’m tired of defending it. You gotta defend rap music cos people always go, “That’s not music, that’s not art. “How can you listen to that garbage? How can you listen to that trash?” In the old days, it was easy to defend rap music. It was easy to defend it on an intellectual level. You could break it down intellectually why Grandmaster Flash was art, why Run DMC was art, why Whodini was art, and music. You could break it down intellectually, OK? And I love all the rappers today but it’s hard to defend this shit. It’s hard, man, it’s hard to defend “I got hoes in different area codes”. On an intellectual level. It’s hard to defend “Move, bitch, get out the way”. Well, as you can see, there’s a bitch in his way. Now he needs to move. Thus the term, “Move, bitch, get out the way”. You need to open yo eyes so you can get the bitches out of yo way. My favourite song right now is impossible to defend. It’s impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourself for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit. To the window! To the wall! To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! Skeet! And you know what’s real wild? You go to a club, you see girls dance to that shit. To the sweat drip from my balls! To the sweat! To the sweat drip from my balls! My balls! I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. “Daddy, where d’you meet Mommy?” “She was singing about balls at a club.” That’s why people always say rap music is misogynistic and it’s degrading to women. But what I realise, man, is women that like rap don’t give a fuck. Women that like rap don’t care what they saying. If the beat’s all right she will dance all night. Women don’t give a fuck. The nastier the better. I see girls on the floor dancing to the nastiest shit ever made. Just on the floor, like – Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear, a dick in the ear. Fuck her in the eye. Blind the bitch. And you know what’s wild? If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and misogynistic, they all give you the same answer – “He ain’t talkin’ ’bout me.” Smack her with a dick. I’ll put a dick in the ear. He said your name! “No, he didn’t.” Smack her with a dick. Love rap music, tired of defending it, man. It’s weird with rap music because people either love it or hate it. Even the United States Government hates rap. The Government hates rap. You know why I say that? Cos they don’t arrest anybody that kills rappers. They don’t got no clues, no suspects. They don’t have shit when it’s a dead rapper. They don’t fill out a police report. They don’t even have a chalk line for a dead rapper. The cops just piss around the body. Smack her with a dick. If you wanna get away with murder, just shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in they pocket. “This is a rap killing, let’s get outta here.” The Government hates rap. Look at all the rappers, all the dead rappers. I’m gonna list these motherfuckers, man. Biggie Smalls, man. Biggie Smalls gunned down outside a party in Los Angeles. Now Biggie weighed about 400 pounds. So they had to shoot him for a while. There was some reloading in that drive-by. It’s like the bullet had to hit another bullet that went in before it… just to really do damage. They don’t got no clues, no suspects, a hamburger wrapper, nothing! Jam Master Jay, man. Jay, man, I miss Jay. I miss that man. Gunned down in a recording studio in Queens, OK? They had surveillance footage of people coming in and out, they ain’t arrested nobody. It’s like the guy came in the studio, shot Jay, recorded an album, then left. They ain’t get nobody. No clues, no suspects, not a Odor-Eater, nothing! Tupac Shakur, man. Tupac was gunned down on the Las Vegas Strip after a Mike Tyson fight. Now how many witnesses do you need to see some shit before you arrest somebody? Shit. More people saw Tupac get shot than the last episode of Seinfeld. And you know what’s fucked up? Every year, Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it… Every record got a clue if you listen real hard. “The brother in the red shot me dead.” Right there! Track four! Pac is trying to tell us something. Listen again! “It was a n i g g e r named Kevin.” Right there! Pac is reaching out to us. Listen! The Government hates rap, man. And only rappers get gunned down like this. I’ll tell you right now, if Billy Joel, Elton John and David Bowie got shot, they’d have Bruce Springsteen’s house surrounded. The Government hates rap. Only the good rappers are dead, only the good ones. Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive. The Government hates rap. You mean to tell me they can find Saddam Hussein in a fucking hole but you can’t tell me who shot Tupac? Shit. They found Saddam Hussein in fucking Iraq. Tupac got shot in Vegas! In fucking Vegas! Not on no side street, the motherfucker got shot on the Strip! In front of Circus Circus! Damn. It’s all fucked up, the whole world’s fucked up, man. Michael Jackson lost his mind. What the hell is wrong with Michael? Another kid? I thought it was Groundhog’s Day when I heard that shit. Another kid? Get the fuck out of here. That’s how much we love Michael. We love Michael so much, we let the first kid slide. Hey, man, the man made Billie Jean, leave him alone. Another kid? I’m fucking done. I’m done with Michael! I was a fan my whole life, I am fucking done, I am handing in my glove, OK. I saw Michael on 60 Minutes. Ed Bradley tried his best to make Michael look like a mammal. Or somebody that drank water and breathed air, right? He gave Michael the easiest questions in the world, the easiest GED questions in the world, and Michael could not pass the test. It’s like, “Uh, Michael, “do you think it’s proper for a 45-year-old man “to sleep in a bed with 13-year-old boys?” “Yes!” “OK, let me rephrase that. “Would you let your children sleep in the bed of a 45-year-old man “that’s been accused of child molestation?” “Yes!” Ed Bradley looked at Michael Jackson like he wanted to say, “N i g g e r, is you crazy?” Like he wanted to take the 60 Minutes clock and push the shit forward, say, “Get the fuck off my show.” “I thought you said it was 60 minutes.” “It’s ten minutes, get outta here. “Ya nutty n i g g e r, what the fuck is wrong wit’ you?” I’m done with Michael, man. You see Michael go to court 20 minutes late. What kind of black man gonna come to court 20 minutes late? This ain’t Barbershop 2. This is court, motherfucker. Shit. He don’t even wear a real suit to court, coming in there looking like Cap’n Crunch. Shit, who’s your lawyer? Franken Berry? Better take your black ass to Banana Republic and get you a decent suit. What the fuck is wrong with that boy? I’m done with Michael. Another kid? That’s like another dead white girl showing up at OJ’s house. And OJ going, “I know what you’re thinking…” Michael Jackson going to jail. It’s gonna be a sad sight when Michael Jackson goes to jail. Oh, we gonna shed a tear when Michael Jackson go to jail. It ain’t even gonna be sad the day he go in. It’s gonna be sad like a month later when that perm grows out of his hair. The shit’s all nappy and grey. When his make-up’s all fucked up cos he don’t get the Crayola people to fix his face no more. That’s a fucking sad-ass sight. Remember we used to have arguments about who was better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won. Yeah, man, Michael went crazy, then Janet lost her damn mind, whipping out her titty on a Sunday afternoon. On a Sunday afternoon! What the fuck is wrong with this girl? This ain’t Déjà Vu. This ain’t Magic City, motherfucker. It’s the Super Bowl! A titty on a Sunday afternoon. People coming home from church, turn on the TV. “Oh, Lord!” A titty on a Sunday afternoon. And a 40-year-old titty at that. You can’t just whip out a 40-year-old titty. That’s yo man’s titty. That is yo man’s titty. 40-year-old titty – yo man’s titty. 20-year-old titty – community titty. That’s for all to see. The titty couldn’t even believe it was outside. It was like, “Oh, shit, what the fuck’s going on? “Close the door!” Michael’s crazy, Janet lost her mind, now I gotta see Jermaine every week for the blow-by-blow. I thought I was done with Jermaine. I got the Do What You Did When You Did What To Me album. I thought I was done with Jermaine. Jermaine looked crazier than Michael. What the fuck is up with Jermaine? Is it me or is Jermaine the greasiest n i g g e r you ever seen in your life? What the fuck? My God, man! Does he spray Armor All on his face or some shit? Just greasy motherfucker, my God. Just glistening like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter. Just slimy. Just greasy, shiny motherfucker, my God. When Jermaine’s on the TV, I gotta wipe the grease off the screen. I can’t see shit – Jermaine must have been on. The police can’t even capture his ass cos he just slips out. The police are like, “Somebody throw some sand on that n i g g e r! Please!”     Jacksons lost they mind, R Kelly lost his mind and shit. What the fuck is wrong with R Kelly? He got a lot of balls, OK? Talk about, “It ain’t me!” Got a damn sex tape out. “It ain’t me.” Motherfucker, we know what you look like. That’s you, OK? There’s a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed! Best R & B ’98, that’s you! I can’t even believe R Kelly would come outside after this shit. At one point on the tape, R Kelly’s eating this girl’s ass out like it’s Puppy Chow. He’s in her ass like he’s got diabetes and her ass got insulin in it. Lookin’ like the movie 28 Days Later. R fucking Kelly, man. The whole world’s going crazy, man. Siegfried and Roy, the tiger bit the man in the head, and everybody’s mad at the tiger. Talk about the tiger went crazy. That tiger ain’t go crazy, that tiger went tiger! You know when the tiger went crazy? When the tiger was riding round on a little bike with a Hitler helmet on. “Oh, shit, I’m a crazy tiger. “Oh, Lord, I’m crazy. What is I gon’ do?” Whole damn country’s all fucked up. We so desperate for entertainment everybody’s falling for this magician, David Blaine. What the fuck is this shit? Are we so desperate that we fall for a trickless magician? Where the fuck’s the trick? Cut a lady in half! Pull a rabbit out a hat! Do something. What’s his last trick? “I’m in a box… “and I ain’t gonna eat. “I’m in a box and I ain’t gonna eat.” That ain’t no trick, that’s called living in the projects. Shit, man. Kobe Bryant lost his mind. What the fuck is Kobe thinking? What is on Kobe’s mind going to Colorado, around all these white people, and not bringing Johnnie Cochran? You gotta bring Johnnie to that shit. The girl’s still alive, Johnnie’ll knock this out in two weeks. “Is she breathing?” “Don’t worry about it.” Kobe wouldn’t miss a practice if he had Johnnie. What the fuck? It don’t look right, man. Some people are like, “If you hire Johnnie Cochran you look guilty.” Yeah, but you go home. What, you wanna look innocent in jail? I’d rather look guilty at the mall. Kobe might go to jail, you never know. A lot of people, “Oh, Kobe ain’t gonna go to jail cos Kobe’s cute and cuddly. “No, he’s cute and cuddly, he’s positive.” Yeah, Kobe looks cute and cuddly on TV cos when you see him he’s standing next to Shaq. But in real life Kobe’s like 6’9″, 6’10”. Shit, when he get to court, he gonna scare the shit out of them white people. They gonna look at him like he’s a big old black praying mantis. He gonna sit down at the witness stand, his knees gonna be up here. Put his hand on the Bible, it covers up the whole Bible. And you see the girl, she came to court, she wasn’t fucking around. She looked nice. She got a nice pantsuit on, got her hair in pigtails. Yeah, she ain’t gonna have on no clear heels now, no. That’s right. She got on some comfortable flats. And some thick-ass stockings. The thickest fucking stockings you ever seen in your life. You gonna think she broke her leg, that’s how thick them stockings is. She gonna come in the court like this. “Your Honour, my stockings are fucking thick.” A lot of people say, “Well, this is what Kobe gets for cheating. “He cheated and that’s what he gets. That’s what he gets.” I know some of you women been cheated on before. I know some of you… OK, fuck it, I’m sure most of you women been cheated on before. Some of y’all are with the guy that cheated on you right now. And the guys are like, “Would you shut the fuck up?” “Do some old shit, ‘toss my salad’, one of them.” No. Men are just low, ladies. Some women are like, “If I lost weight, he wouldn’t cheat. “If I was more beautiful, he wouldn’t cheat.” Yes, he would. He would. There ain’t nothing you can do, ladies. The only thing you can do to stop your man cheating… The women are like this… Only thing you can do… is be there. Where? There. Wherever he’s thinking about fucking her. Just be right there. And even then he still might lose yo ass. “Hey, honey, look, a sale! Let me go fuck this bitch right now.” Oh, man! No. The beauty don’t matter. Kobe cheated on his wife and Kobe’s wife is fine. Kobe’s wife is gorgeous. My God! That’s a fuckin’ señorita out this motherfucker. A hot tamale out this motherfucker. Kobe’s wife is fine shit. I would trade my wife and two aunts for Kobe’s, man. I’ll throw in a cousin and my momma if I have to. Come on, Momma, we got to close this deal. Don’t let all this celebrity news fool you right now. All this stuff going on in the news is just a trick to get yo mind off the war. That’s all it is. It’s a trick to get yo mind off the war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe’s room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson’s house, Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was fucking Paris Hilton in that video. All to get yo mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me. “We gotta go to Iraq cos they the most dangerous country on earth. “They the most dangerous regime in the world.” If they so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole fucking country? Shit. Man, you couldn’t take over Baltimore in two weeks. Get the fuck outta here. Looking for weapons of mass destruction. Can’t even find a Wiffle ball bat. Ain’t even a fucking fly-swatter yet. Give me something, shit! Attack, motherfucker. Let me get a fucking paper cut over that motherfucker. Nothing! Not a damn thing. “Weapons of mass destruction.” They got whatshisname, they got Saddam Hussein, that’s cool. I was a little sad when they got Saddam. That’s kinda like the Coyote catching the Roadrunner. I guess Acme finally made some shit that worked. I didn’t even know we was after Saddam, I thought we was after Bin Laden. What the fuck happened? I thought we was after Bin Laden. Shit. When did Bin Laden give Hussein the baton of hate? When did he pass it on? “They hate me, they hate me… “they hate you! Run!” “Oh, shit.” Shit, man, when I heard we was after Hussein, I was like, “Really?” That’s so ’80s. The whole war seemed like a bad VH1 special. Hussein’s back and Bush is back and Cheney’s back and Paula Abdul’s back. Shit, before you know it, it’ll be Hammer time again. Stop. Hammer time. No, when the war started, it was great. Brought out a lot of patriotism. Patriotism’s beautiful. But slowly but surely, the patriotism turned into hate-riotism. When the war started, it was great. People had their flags up. People screaming out “USA!” for no reason. You go to a baseball game, a football game, a basketball game, people are, “USA!” I’m like, “Hey, calm down. “That’s got a little German on it, don’t you think?” You know, people start freaking out. People got it… At first the war was cool. People got into this whole hate the French thing. I don’t understand that shit. “Fuck France, man. They don’t wanna help us out. “Don’t eat no French fries. Fuck the French, man. “Motherfuck France, fuck ’em, man.” Cos they wouldn’t help us out in the war. The United States is the biggest, most powerful country in the world. Why the fuck would anybody help us in the war? Would you help Mike Tyson beat up Urkel? Don’t make no sense! But people started freaking out. The war was weird. On TV you’d see these weird white guys. Nobody here, you guys are OK. See these weird white guys getting overly patriotic and they have their fucking flag hats on and their flag drawers and their flag pick-ups. “I’m American, man, I’m American. “Fuck all these fucking foreigners. I’m American!” You’re like, “Hey, calm the fuck down.” There was a lot of accepted racism when the war started. “I’m American. Fuck all these foreigners.” And that was cool. Then it was, “I’m American. Fuck the French.” That was cool. “I’m American. Fuck all these Arabs.” And that was cool. Then they went to, “I’m American. Fuck all these illegal aliens.” Then I started listening. Cos I know n i g g e r s and Jews is next. It’s like, any day now! That train’s never late! And people started screaming they was American. A lot of white people scream they American as if they got something to do with the country being the way it is. Like they was on the Mayflower or some shit. When you break it down, there ain’t even that many Americans in this room, contributing Americans. Check this out. If you a veteran, if you fought in any war for the United States, you are American. God bless all the veterans. Big up to the veterans. I can’t say nothing wrong about the veterans. OK? You American. Now if you swam here from some shitty country that didn’t allow you Bubblicious, you too are American cos you overcame obstacles and made sacrifices to actually get here. You are a true American, OK? You really are. Don’t let nobody tell you no different. Everybody else, you’re just lucky. You’re just lucky. All you crazy white people, “I’m American!” All you did was come out of your mother’s pussy on American soil. That’s it. You think you’re better than somebody from France cos you came out of a pussy in Detroit? The whole country’s got a fucked up mentality, man. We all got a gang mentality. Republicans are fucking idiots, the Democrats are fucking idiots, conservatives are idiots and liberals are idiots. Anyone that makes up they mind before they hear the issue is a fucking fool, OK? Everybody… No, everybody’s so busy wanting to be down with a gang – “I’m a conservative, I’m a liberal.” It’s bullshit. Be a fucking person. Listen. Let it swirl around yo head. Then form yo opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, OK? I got some shit I’m conservative about, I got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal. And they keep trying to scare us. Everybody’s trying to scare us. Telling us to be on the lookout for al-Qaeda. Like, “Where?” I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda. I’m from Brooklyn, I don’t give a fuck about al-Qaeda. Shit. Motherfucking al-Qaeda. Shit, did al-Qaeda blow up the building in Oklahoma? No. Did al-Qaeda put anthrax in your mail? No. Did al-Qaeda drag James Byrd down the street till his eyeballs popped out of his fucking head? No. I ain’t scared of al-Qaeda, I’m scared of Al Cracker. Cracker Al. Gotta look out for Cracker Al. He’s a dangerous motherfucker! But American people, whenever you leave… I love my country, but whenever you leave, you find out people really hate America. It’s good sometimes. Cos we got so much shit, OK? America’s the only country in the world where people go hunting on a full stomach. It’s beautiful. That’s how good we got it. America’s a great country. But here’s the thing, people hate America cos we can’t make up our mind what we wanna be. America does good things, America does bad things, America does schizophrenic things. One cool thing America does, that I love, is we feed other countries. It’s beautiful that we feed other countries. Yes, it is! But we only feed them when they’re starving. Why can’t we feed them when they’re hungry? They didn’t just wake up with flies around their lips and bellies out to here. It took a while for shit to get that bad. And our government’s like, “Nah, wait for the flies. “Two more weeks. Wait for the flies. Come on, more flies!” And we send them food. Do we send them the good shit? No. What do we send them? Grain. Anybody here have grain today? Anybody going to McGrainies after the show? Why can’t we send them the good shit? Why can’t we send some Cheez Doodles, some Funyuns, some Twinkies? Why can’t we just pour some gravy on the people? Just get a big old vat of gravy and pour it out the helicopter. There you go. Drink up. Have some gravy. People going, “I love America! “It’s raining gravy!” Shit, give them a Whopper, it’s only 99 cents. Shit, we call ourselves humanitarians, meanwhile we’re dropping 50-pound sacks on 40-pound people. But I love America, man. We got a lot of freedom in America. For instance, abortion’s legal. It’s beautiful that abortion’s legal, man. I love going to abortion rallies to pick up women. Cos you know they’ll fuck you. You ain’t gonna find a bunch of virgins at the abortion rally. You might even see some clear heels! “What you doing here, girl?” “Fucked up again.” The abortion issue, it’s a woman’s issue. A woman gets pregnant, she don’t wanna hear shit from the man. “Fuck you, I don’t need you, motherfuck you.” Unless she decides to have the baby. Then she’s like, “Where’s my cheque?” When a woman gets pregnant, it’s a choice between the woman and her girlfriends. A woman gets pregnant, her and her girlfriends get together, and they have a little abortion tribunal, and they vote on the baby like it’s Survivor. Each girlfriend puts in her two cents. One goes, “Child, you should have that baby. “That man got some good hair, it’s wavy, it’s wavy.” The other girlfriend goes, “Why are we talking about this? “Ain’t we going to Cancun next week? Get rid of that baby!” And that’s how life is decided in America. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you’re only allowed to say two things. And guess what, fellas? You can’t even suggest abortion. If you say, “A”, you fucked up. You can’t even suggest abortion. Guess what, guys? You don’t wanna suggest abortion. If you suggest abortion and then she has the baby, when that kid’s about five, six years old, he gonna be cursing yo ass out. You go, “What’s up, little man? How you doing?” “I’m alive, that’s how the fuck I’m doing! “You wanted me dead, huh, bitch? “I’m alive, motherfucker. “I should bust a cap in yo ass.” You don’t need that drama. So do not suggest abortion. Now, fellas, if you get a woman pregnant, you only got two things to say. Two ways to try it on. Now, the first thing you can say is, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait for you to have this baby. I love you so much.” I’ll try it again. “Wow, I can’t believe that you’re pregnant. “I’m so happy. I can’t wait to have this baby. “I love you so much.” That’s cool. Now, if you don’t wanna say that, you got one more choice. A woman walks in the room, tells you that she’s pregnant, you look her dead in the eye and you say… “So what you gonna do?” Good, it ain’t just me. One thing I don’t like about America is we got real bad drug policy. Horrible drug policy. We got people in jail for getting high. For getting high, man. That’s fucked up, man. The Government says drugs are illegal because we’re trying to protect society. But they don’t give a fuck about yo safety, they sell guns at Wal-Mart, they don’t give a fuck about you. No, the Government’s like this – they don’t want you to use your drugs, they want you to use their drugs. So every night on TV you see a weird-ass drug commercial trying to get you hooked on some legal shit. And they just keep naming symptoms till they get one that you fucking got, OK? It’s like, “Are you sad? Are you lonely? You got athlete’s foot? “Are you hot? Are you cold? What you got? You want this pill, huh, motherfucker. “You got to take this pill.” They don’t even tell you what the pill does. You see a lady on a horse or a man in the tub. And they just keep naming symptoms. “Are you depressed? Are you lonely? Do your teeth hurt?” What the fuck? I saw a commercial the other day that said, “Do you go to bed at night “and wake up in the morning?” Shit they got one. I got that. I’m sick, I need that pill. The Government trying to get you hooked on some legal fucking shit. And that’s the truth, man. The reason coke and weed are illegal in America don’t got shit to do with yo safety. The reason that coke and weed are illegal in America is cos the best coke and weed ain’t made in America. If they made the good shit here, there’d be a coke and weed restaurant on every fucking corner. That’s right. Wouldn’t be no Starbucks, it’d be Weedbucks. McDonald’s, McCokeald’s. Uh, get me a Happy Meal and an eight-ball, thank you. Krispy Kreme, Kracky Kreme. That’s how good Krispy Kreme doughnuts are. Krispy Kreme doughnuts are so good, if I told you they had crack in it, you’d go, “I knew something was up. “I knew. These doughnuts are too damn good, man. “Got me knockin’ on the doughnut window at two in the morning. “Come on, man, open up, man. “Give me one more doughnut! I’ll do anything! “I’ll suck your dick!” That should be the new slogan for Krispy Kreme. Krispy Kreme – so good you’ll suck a dick. These are some good-ass doughnuts. You’d be mad if your kid ate your doughnuts. “You know what I had to do to get them doughnuts? Leave them alone! “Now I gotta go out and suck some more dick for doughnuts. “Kids will never learn, shit.” No, man, the Government, they will never legalise drugs in America. OK, the first reason they will never legalise drugs in America is because the Government makes way too much money putting our brothers and sisters in fucking jail. That’s first of all. For bullshit. The second reason the Government will never legalise drugs in America is because, God forbid, some brown people got wealthy. Can’t have that. Cos drugs come from brown countries. We can’t have wealthy brown people. There are no wealthy black – or brown – people in America. We got some rich ones, we don’t got no fucking wealth. People go, “What’s the difference?” Here’s the difference. Shaq is rich. The white man that signs his cheque is wealthy. “Here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. “Bling-bling!” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth, OK? I’m talking about the white family that owns all the Similac. Those rich motherfuckers. I’m talking about the white family that owns the colour blue. Those rich bastards. I ain’t talking ’bout Oprah, I’m talking ’bout Bill Gates, OK? If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah’s money he’d jump out a fucking window. He’d slit his throat on the way down. “Ah, shit. “I can’t even put gas in my plane.” I’m not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Cos wealth will set us fucking free, OK? Cos wealth is empowering. Wealth can uplift communities from poverty, OK? A white man gets wealthy, he builds Wal-Marts and makes other white people have some motherfucking money. A brother gets rich, he buys some motherfucking jewellery, OK? Do you know what the fuck I’m talking ’bout? I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Wealth is passed down from generation to generation. You can’t get rid of wealth. Rich is some shit you can lose with a crazy summer and a drug habit. Fuck, Rick James was rich. One minute you’re singing Super Freak, the next you’re doing Old Navy commercials. “Give it to me, baby! Give me corduroy!” Not talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all white people’s fault that black and brown people don’t have any fucking wealth. Maybe – now just maybe – maybe if we didn’t spend all our money on rims we might have some… to invest. We don’t give a fuck, boy. Black people, we love rims. We will put shiny-ass rims on any piece of shit car in the world. We don’t give a fuck. A brother would put rims on a toaster if you’d let him. “Yo, man, I got some raisin toast sittin’ on 22s. “22s! Look at the motherfuckers, look at ’em! “And they spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!” We don’t give a fuck. Money’s new to black people. We the most money-wasting motherfuckers on the face of the earth. We spend money like we think the shit’s gonna rot. Brothers riding around with TVs in the headrests of the car. The TVs is on and ain’t nobody in the back seat. I ain’t talking ’bout rich, I’m talking ’bout wealth. Now, when it comes to acquiring a fortune, when it comes to acquiring wealth in the United States of America, different people have gone about it in different ways. There’s a saying about wealth, there’s a saying about fortunes, and the saying is, “Behind every great fortune there’s a great crime.” And some of the richest, most powerful people in the United States are the descendants of drug dealers. Kennedys, Brockmans, it’s all drug money. They call it bootlegging but that’s just a white word that means drug dealing. They didn’t sell boots, they sold the crack of their day, OK? They killed cops and kids, and that’s cool, good for them. Now… when it’s time for other people to come up and acquire wealth the rules change. One of the number one rules when it comes to acquiring wealth goes like this. The rule is, only the white man can profit from pain. Only the white man can profit from pain. So if you’re black or brown, you can make money and prosper and get rich in America. But whatever you decide to do, it better be positive. Cos if one person is harmed, you will be destroyed, OK? Every now and then Oprah has a show where she’s just giving away money. You know why? She’s trying to keep the Feds off her back. Only the white man can profit from pain, OK? White man makes alcohol, tastes great, I love it, you love it, we all love it. Kills motherfuckers every single day, OK? Some of y’all ain’t even gonna make it home tonight cos of alcohol. Driving home, “That Chris Rock sure is funny. “Oh, shit!” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. White man makes cigarettes. Cigarettes are the most dangerous product known to man. Kills motherfuckers every fucking day. Cigarettes are so dangerous, it kills motherfuckers that don’t smoke! That’s how fucking dangerous cigarettes are. That’s right. First-hand smoke, second-hand smoke, people talking into machines. “Hey, what’s up, man? “I love cigarettes. This shit is good.” But it’s all right cos it’s all white. Shit, could you imagine if the Philip Morris family was a bunch of jheri-curled n i g g e r s from Mississippi. Do you know how illegal a pack of cigarettes would be? You would get 60 years for a pack of Newports. But it’s all right cos it’s all white. That’s right. White man makes guns, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, kids shoot up each other in schools, nobody gives a fuck. White man makes guns, no problem. Black rapper says “gun”, Congressional hearing. Like, “My God, that n i g g e r said gun! “And he rhymed it with fun!” And that’s why people hate America… the hypocrisy of our democracy, OK? That’s why they hate America. But let me tell you right now, the number one reason people hate America, the number one reason, is because of our religion. Americans worship money. We worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from Government, but on your money it says, “In God we trust”. All my life I’ve been looking for God and he’s right in my pocket. Americans worship money. And we all go to the same church – the church of ATM. Everywhere you look, there’s a new branch popping up, reminding you about how much money you got or how much money you don’t got. And if you got less than $20, the machine won’t even talk to you. The machine’s like, “You better go see a teller.” You ever go to a teller and try to take out $8.50? It’s disgusting. Man, you gotta wait on that long-ass line. People doing real transactions in front of you. You get up to the fucking front, fill out your form. Eight-fifty. The fucking teller looks at it, she looks at you, she looks at the chit. She don’t even take the money out the drawer, she take it out her pocket. “Wastin’ my time. Get the fuck outta here, shit.” I think every bank should have a box of ones by the door for they broke-ass customers. I don’t need free checking, I need lunch money. Trying to buy me some pork fried rice, man. Here’s the other thing, man. Drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open 24 hours a day. 24 hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out $300 at four o’clock in the morning for something positive? Shit, when you press that machine at four o’clock in the morning, I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen and go, “Come on, man. “Save your money, man. “Don’t buy drugs, buy some rims.” “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’! They spinnin’! “They spinnin’, look at they spinnin’!” Americans worship money. Shit, you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn’t church’d be empty. Now, I love America, man, I must say. I love America. I got to say, America is the greatest country in the world, OK? It’s the greatest country in the world. In the whole world. It’s the best place. There’s no place I’d rather be or be from. And we are all lucky to be here. Everybody in this room, lucky to be here. Even black people, lucky to be here. But if you black, you gotta look at America a little different. If you black, America’s like the uncle that paid your way through college but molested you. You gotta forgive, right? You gotta forgive. What’s the biggest issue in America right now? The most divisive issue in America is affirmative action. A lot of people think it’s to do with the ’60s, the back of the bus, separate lunch counters. No. When you see footage of the ’60s, see black people, see us getting sprayed down, dogs getting sicked on us, little girls getting burnt up in churches, that’s just white people being nice. Nicer than they was in the ’50s, ’40s, and ’30s. Shit, there’s black people that died in the ’30s that was looking down from heaven in the ’60s going, “Man, them n i g g e r s got it good.” No, affirmative action was put into place to offset policies that the United States Government implemented during slavery that affect us today. When I talk about slavery, I’m just talking about a period of time where black people had no rights. So you’re talking about the 1600s to about 1964. You know, give or take a year, depending on when yo town decided to act right. People go, “What happened during slavery that could affect us today?” A lot of shit happened during slavery that affects us every day. For instance, during slavery, they used to take the biggest, strongest slaves and breed them and try their best to make big, strong super-slaves, OK? That’s right. And there’s evidence of that today. Like the NFL, for instance. NFL stands for N i g g e r Fucking Large. They bred the slaves, and this is why black people dominate every physical activity in the United States of America. We’re only 10%% of the population, we’re 90%% of the Final Four, OK? We fucking dominate all this shit, OK? Basketball, baseball, football, boxing, track, even golf and tennis. As soon as they make a heated hockey rink, we gonna take that shit too. Motherfuck Wayne Gretzky. Wait till you see Lebron on some skates. You ain’t seen shit yet. He just gonna have one skate, chilling, “What’s up?” He ain’t gonna have a stick. He gonna smack the puck with his dick. Slapshot bi-atch! So that’s what they did to the big, strong slaves. And you know what they did to the smart ones? Or at least the ones they thought were smart. They killed them. That’s what they did. That’s right. That was the policy of the United States Government, to kill smart black people. That’s right. So the real smart motherfuckers had to hide the fact that they were smart. The law of the land was, if you read, you die. If you read, fucking die, OK? So you know what that means? The first black drug dealers didn’t even sell drugs. They sold books. “Yo, man, I got two pages, man, got two pages, man, check it out, man. “Yo, man, I got a word, check it out, man, I got a new word. “I got a new word, man. It’s new, man, it’s new, man.” So think about the poor slaves that could read but had to hide it. Think about the poor slaves that could read but was scared to teach they kids to read for fear they’d be killing they kids. Think about the poor slave who used to drive the buggy into town every day. Used to drive the buggy. He’s driving the buggy – and he could read. And up ahead he sees a real busy intersection. He’s driving the buggy. And then he sees a stop sign. Now he’s got a real dilemma. “Oh, Lor, “what is I gon’ do? “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do? “OK, if I go across this intersection, “I’m-a have a accident. “If I stop at this sign, these crackers’ll kill me. “Oh, Lor, what is I gon’ do?” And he don’t know. And he’s riding the buggy. He says, “Fuck it,” and goes through the intersection. He has a big old accident, wipes out. Wipes out, almost kills somebody. And the police come. “N i g g e r, what’s wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? “You could’ve killed somebody, n i g g e r. You see that stop sign?” “I don’t know what you talking ’bout, sir.” “N i g g e r, you see that stop sign right there?” “Do you mean that octagon thing? “N i g g e r, who taught you octagon?” Don’t get me wrong with affirmative action. I don’t think I should get a job over a white person if I get a lower mark in a test. I don’t think I should get accepted into a school over a white person if I get a lower mark. But if there’s a tie, fuck ’em. Shit, you had a 400-year head start, motherfucker. White man, you gonna be all right. You know, a lot of people say, “If you’re the smartest and the brightest, “you won’t need affirmative action, if you strive to be the smartest and the brightest.” They say that as if the country is run by the smartest and the brightest. I was in black schools and white schools so you can’t tell me shit. When you go to a class, there are 30 kids. Five smart, five dumb, and the rest are in the middle. And that’s all America is – a nation in the middle. A nation of B and C students, that’s all the fuck it is. A nation of B and C students. But let’s keep it fucking real, OK? A black C student can’t run no fucking company. A black C student can’t even be the manager of Burger King. Meanwhile, the white C student just happens to be the President of the United States of America.     Other people got they problems right now in America. What’s the other big issue in America right now? Should gays be allowed to marry? The beautiful thing about the gay marriage issue is it’s the absolute only issue the President will answer. The President don’t give a fuck, he will give you a straight answer on gay marriage. “Mr President, when’s the war gonna end?” “Well, we’re talking to people, we’re looking for stuff, it’s out there, “you never know how it’s gonna end.” “Mr President, when’s the economy gonna pick up?” “Well, we’re talking to people, “and economic indicators indicate that indications are coming to the indicator.” “Mr President, what about gay marriage?” “Fuck them faggots.” Damn, that’s some harsh shit. People always say, we can’t have gay marriage cos marriage is a sacred institution that happens in the church. It’s sacred! No, it’s not. Marriage ain’t sacred. Not in America. Not in the country that watches Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire? And The Bachelorette and Who Wants To Marry A Midget? Get the fuck outta here. Shit. Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else. Get the fuck outta here. Michael Jackson got married. How fucking sacred is that shit? But I’m married. It’s a beautiful thing, man. And I don’t cheat. I don’t. No. Not because I’m a great husband, just cos I’m tired of getting caught. Gotta put the girls in the mistress protection programme. From now on your name is Carol. If anybody calls you Lisa, ignore ’em. OK, Lisa? “OK.” Bitch, you gonna get us killed! The fuck is wrong with you? You won’t last five minutes on the streets. Now I don’t cheat, man. Another big reason I don’t cheat is cos I never meet any girls that wanna fuck me. I’m just not that celebrity. I don’t bring it out of them. Women see Denzel Washington, they go, “I’m gonna fuck him.” They start kicking off shoes soon as they see his ass. Women see me, occasionally they wanna fuck me, but when women wanna fuck me, they get real practical about it. They go, “You know what? I bet you if I fucked Chris Rock, “I could get him to pay my Visa bill.” I have paid so many college loans in my day. I have put more girls through school than the United Negro College Fund. Shit, I should’ve had my own dorm at Howard. “And this is the Chris Rock Cafeteria. “Chris loves sloppy joes!” Yes, I’m married, and bored out of my fucking mind. But it’s a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing. If you’re in a good relationship, chances are you’re bored out of your fucking mind. All good relationships are boring. The only exciting relationships are bad ones. You never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow in a bad relationship. You never know when you’re gonna walk in and go, “Hey, you gave me crabs!” That’s exciting. I wonder what tomorrow’s gonna bring. And those are the choices you got in life. You can be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere. Married and bored or single and lonely. That’s right. Marriage is some boring-ass shit. Once you get married, you gotta hang around other married people and that’s just disgusting. You ever go to dinner with six neutered adults? A bunch of women talking about Diaper Genies and hair colouring. “You know, if you leave it in too long it stings.” Shut the fuck up. A bunch of men talking about barbecue grills and routes to work. “Sometimes I take the highway but if it’s backed up, I got some side streets “that get me there in half the time. Check it out. “L-95 is clear sometimes…” Shut the fuck up! I hate married people. It’s fucking disgusting. If you go to eat dinner with single people, single people eat for an hour and 30 minutes and leave, cos they got fucking to do. Married people close down a restaurant. They start ordering coffee and dessert. Start talking to the architect. “I like the thing you put right there.” Start talking to the cook. “What’s in the tea?” “Water, bitch! “Hurry up, we got a lot of not fucking to do. “If you hurry up, we can not fuck all night.” I hate married fucking people, man. And, fellas, once you get married, you become your wife’s pet. You become a fucking pet. Cos women like to get they husbands together that don’t even know each other, and have like a grown man play date. Put you in a room with some other married motherfucker and go, “He likes baseball just like you.” And you’re in some room with some fucking stranger going, “I like baseball.” “I like baseball too. Yeah.” “Yeah, baseball, good.” “Yeah.” “Honey, who the fuck is this? “Get me the fuck out of here, I don’t need no new friends. “If you wanna help me out, introduce me to a girl.” I hate married people, man. Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring a single crackhead. Just to spicen up the activities. Come on, tell us some of your cracky tales, please. Married and bored, single and lonely. The problem with relationships, people want too much. Everybody’s looking for a soul mate. “We’re soul mates, we’re one, we’re soul mates. “I’m a Pisces, he’s Aquarius, we’re perfect. We’re soul mates, it’s incredible. “His moon is my star and it’s a soul mate. “We complete each other and finish each other’s sentences. “The other day I said, ‘Honey, it’s gonna rain,’ and he said rain too! “It’s amazing! It’s like we’re telekinesic, we’re telekinesic. “It’s incredible, my God.” Nobody gets a soul mate. It don’t happen. Nobody. Not even James Brown, the godfather of soul, he don’t even get a soul mate, as we all saw a couple of weeks ago. James Brown looking like Nick Nolte. Like, he put the good foot in her ass. Nobody gets a soul mate. All you gonna get in life if you lucky is a mate. Just a mate. Somebody you fuck, go to movies with. You fuck, go to another movie. You fuck, go to a comedy show. You fuck, go to your grandmomma’s house. You fuck, go to your momma’s house. You fuck, go see another movie. Somewhere in between fucking and movies, he goes, “Wanna get something to eat?” That’s all relationships are, they ain’t that complicated. It’s fucking and eating. If you don’t like fucking somebody and you don’t like eating with them, y’all don’t need to be together. And the longer you’re with somebody, it’s more eating and less fucking. You don’t remember the last time you fucked but you know you had rice and beans on Wednesday. You’re never gonna get a soul mate, the perfect person. You’re never gonna meet somebody that loves Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan. It ain’t happening. Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain’t gonna be the perfect time. You’re married, they’re single. That’s right. You’re Jewish, they’re Palestinian. You’re Mexican, they’re a raccoon. You’re a black woman, he’s a black man. There’s always a obstacle in the way. You’re never gonna meet the perfect person, it’s never gonna happen, OK? Every now and then, God likes to play practical jokes on people. God will send you on a double date with the perfect couple. You ever been out with the perfect couple? Ever made the mistake of going on a double date with a couple that’s actually in love? You in the middle of your bullshit relationship. And you sit down with two people that’s in love. You can’t even eat your food cos you can’t believe what the fuck you are witnessing. You got a fork in your hand, you’re like, “Oh, shit. “He’s really listening to what she’s got to say. “They really like being around each other. “Man, we can’t hang with them no more. They gonna break us up!” “Can’t let these happy motherfuckers fuck up my life. No way!” See, the thing is, men, we are ill-prepared when it comes to relationships. We are ill-prepared. That’s right. You would think by now women would rule the world. You would think women would rule the world. But they don’t! They don’t. You know why? Cos women hate women. Women hate women. You do. You get any two girlfriends in this room, been girlfriends for 25 years, you put a man in between them, “Fuck that bitch.” Women hate women. Guys are not like that. Guys actually think there’s other fish in the sea. If a guy introduces his boy to his new girlfriend, when they walk away, his boy goes, “Man, she’s nice. I gotta get me a girl like that.” If a woman introduces her new man to her girlfriend, when they walk away, her girlfriend goes, “I gotta get him. “And I will slit that bitch’s throat to do it.” Shit, every woman in here got a girlfriend they don’t trust around they man. A good girlfriend too. “I’ll go shopping with her “but I ain’t gonna leave that bitch with my man for five minutes.” I remember one time, one time I was in a restaurant, me, my wife, her girlfriend. My wife said, “I’m going to the bathroom.” I say, “OK, I’ll see you when you get back.” She said, “No, you coming with me.” And she made me come with her. And she did the right thing cos I’d have fucked the girl. I’d have fucked her on the quesadilla, I don’t give a fuck. Nah, man. But one thing I learned, man, once you get married, fellas, women wanna be responsible for all your happiness. All your happiness. You got that? Not some of it. All of it. Fellas, you ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Ever have your woman catch you jerking off? Did she get mad at you, even though she wasn’t thinking about fucking you? Here’s the real deal, she ain’t mad you was jerking off. She’s mad you was making yourself happy. “How dare you make yourself fucking happy? “I’m in charge of happiness in this house. You’ll be miserable till I fucking say so. “Take your hands out yo pockets!” Another thing with women, one thing about women, women hate for you to expect anything. Don’t expect shit. A woman can cook for you every day for five years. Every day food is on the table, every day at 7:49, every day. The day you come home, there ain’t no food, and you ask nicely, “Honey, where’s the food?” “What am I, your fuckin’ maid? “You need to learn how to cook for yourself, you stupid motherfucker.” So, fellas, in order to avoid this, what you gotta do is act super-nice every time she does anything. No matter how little it is, make a big deal out of it. If she pour you some water, you gotta go, “Wow, water! “Get outta here. You’re incredible! You’re so smart!” She fucking folds a napkin. “Wow, look at that! You’re incredible.” You gotta treat ’em like retarded kids, OK? Man. That’s right. Married and bored, single and lonely. That’s right, guys. Here’s the thing – when you’re married, you wanna kill your spouse. When you’re single, you wanna kill yourself. Better her than me. Anybody in this room that’s ever been in love will testify to this shit. If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t seriously thought about killing the motherfucker, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t had a can of rat poison in your hand and looked at it for 45 minutes straight, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t bought a shovel and a bag and a rug to roll they ass up in, you ain’t been in love. If you haven’t practised your alibi in front of the mirror… you ain’t been in love. The only thing that stopped you from killing this motherfucker was an episode of CSI. Man, they thorough. I’d better make up, they might catch my ass. That’s right, man. See, relationships are hard. But in order for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to have the same focus. And we all know what that page is, what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work, both people have to have the same focus, and the focus is all about her. It’s all about her. She’s already there, fellas, she’s waiting for you to come aboard. Fellas, when you wake up in the morning, you should look yourself in the mirror and say, “Fuck you. “Fuck your hopes, fuck your dreams, fuck your plans, “fuck everything you thought this life was gonna bring you. “Now let’s go out there and try and make this bitch happy.” Yes. It’s all about her, fellas. Say yes to everything. Everything. Everything you can afford, say yes to. Just say yes. Before she even gets it out of her fucking mouth. “Honey, can…” Yes. “Honey, I…” Yes. Just get a stamp. Yes. Another thing, fellas – don’t argue. You cannot win. You cannot beat a woman in an argument, it’s impossible. You will not win, cos men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cos we have a need to make sense. Women ain’t gonna let a little thing like sense fuck up they argument. Cos she not in it for sense, she’s in it for distance and irritation. “How long can I talk before this motherfucker snaps?” They want you to shake the shit out of them till you hear the cops coming. “Motherfucker, I’m serious! “Oh, shit, let me get the fuck outta here.” That’s right. And like I said, try your best to make her happy. Try your best. But here’s one thing nobody tells you. You can’t make a woman happy. It’s impossible. I’ve never met a happy woman in my life. Women are always complaining about something. Women like to complain, women save up shit to complain about. “He don’t even know I know but I’m gonna get his ass on that shit next month.” They like fucking complaining. They love it. No matter what you do, she’ll be mad. You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, she’ll still complain. “Why’d you make me come so hard? “This diamond dick is cloudy. “Why didn’t you go to Tiffany’s? You’re so fucking cheap.” No matter what you do, your woman is mad at you. If you work all the time, “Why you work all the time? You ain’t never home. “You always leavin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you home all the time, “Why you all up under me? “Let me get some fucking room to breathe. “Damn, stop sweatin’ me. I hate this shit.” If you make more money than her. “Fuck you. I wanna make decisions too. “You ain’t my fucking daddy, I don’t need you to take care of me. “I hate this shit.” If she makes more money than you, “You broke motherfucker. “You never have no fucking money. Fuck this shit. “I don’t wanna make all these decisions. I need to be taken care of. “I hate this shit. I can’t take it.” And the number one reason your woman’s always mad, fellas, the number one reason your woman is pissed the fuck off… cos you ain’t her first choice. Fellas, you ever catch your woman just looking at you but not saying nothing? In her mind, she’s thinking, “How did I end up with this ugly motherfucker? “Lord, this motherfucker’s ugly and stupid. “I had a good man and I blew it. “Damn, Lord, kill my man. Kill him, please. “Kill him while I still look good enough to get something new. “Please kill this motherfucker now. Strike him! “If you out there, Lord, strike this motherfucker dead.” Nothing gets you ready for marriage, man. Nothing. Nobody. Nothing gets you ready for marriage. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never fuck again. If you like fucking, marriage ain’t for you. Shit, I haven’t fucked in seven years. I’ve had intercourse. Intercourse is when she gets out of the shower on the nice sheets. Fucking’s in the back of a rental car when your woman’s going, “Come on, get some!” Nobody gets you ready for that shit. Nobody tells you that once you get married, you will never get pussy again. If you like pussy, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had pussy in seven years. I’ve had vagina. I hate vagina. I came out of a vagina. As soon as I got out, I said, “Man, I got to get me some pussy.” See, they don’t prepare you. They don’t tell you married women don’t have pussies. Married women have vaginas. If you go to a wedding and the woman’s throwing the bouquet, she ain’t throwing the bouquet, she’s throwing the pussy. “I won’t be needin’ this no more.” And the woman that catches it is gonna get married cos now she got two pussies. You gotta marry the two-pussy girl. But it ain’t just men that lose out on marriage. Women, you lose out too. Women, once you get married, he will never lick your pussy again. Pussy, vagina, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. He will never lick it again. I see some married women with tears in they eyes right now. He will never lick your pussy again. Forever ever. “Forever ever?” Forever ever. He will never lick your pussy again. That’s right. Don’t get me wrong, he’ll give it one coat. But he ain’t gonna put the finish on it like he used to. He used to put a spit-shine on your pussy. You had to put on shades just to look at your pussy. Put a little sticker next to your pussy – “objects in pussy may appear closer than they actually are.” Nobody gets you ready for this shit. That’s right, fellas, once you get married, no more blow jobs. If you like blow jobs, marriage ain’t for you. I haven’t had a blow job in seven years. I’ve had fellatio. When you’re single, you get the best blow jobs in the world, 8, 12, 15 minutes straight like the girl’s auditioning on your dick, like she’s giving your dick a second opinion, like she’s going for her scuba licence. You get married, every married man I know gets the same lazy-ass blow job. It’s like three licks. “Is it hard? Put it in. I gotta fold these clothes.” What kind of lazy-ass blow job is this shit? If we was at a restaurant I would send it back. Waiter, this blow job ain’t ready yet. Yo, marriage is tough, man. Marriage is real fucking tough. Marriage is so tough, Nelson Mandela got a divorce. Nelson Mandela got a fucking divorce. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, got beaten and tortured every day for 27 years, and did it with no fucking problems. Made to do hard labour in 100-degree South African heat for 27 years, and did it with no problems. He got out of jail, after 27 years of torture, spent six months with his wife and said, “I can’t take this shit no more!” I’m outta here. Y’all take care. Thank you! Best show ever. It was hilarious. Once you get married, life is over. No more blow jobs! I’m telling you, don’t get married. I’ll come and see him again. My dimples hurt, I laughed so hard. See? I just pissed on myself. What a great show! That was great. I really enjoyed it, it was wonderful. Great show."
1686241426-32,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly (2000) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-killin-softly-2000-full-transcript/,"Wooo! Ya’ll gone make me lose my mind. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me throw her out. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me act a fool. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me lose my cool. Up in here! Up in here! From the historic Lincoln Theater in Washington DC. Dave Chappelle! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. All right. No really. Boy. Well, it’s good to come home, boy. I swear. I know, man. It’s been a while. It’s been a while. Hey. DC is different. I’ve been gone, man. It took me years to be able to do the show. Boy, DC has changed. It’s different now. There’s a lot of white people walking around, isn’t there? I mean I left DC in the 80s. It was not like this in the 80s. When crack was going on. Remember when crack was going on? White people would be looking at DC from Virginia with binoculars. Boy, that looks dangerous. Not yet. New white people. You can’t scare these white people. I tried. You roll up on ’em: BOO! What the hell is wrong with you? Those days are over. I’m glad that were doing a show here by Howard, you know. You see like white people come out. And that’s good. One thing I’m seeing. Ever be walking down the street. And you see like a group of black dudes walking. Not just any black dudes. We’re talking, you know, thugs. Talking, you know. They’ll be some thugs, man. And in the group, in the group they got like one or two or sometimes as many as three white guys. Ever see this shit? Let me tell you something about those white guys. Those white guys are the most dangerous motherfuckers in that group. It’s true. It’s true, man. Ain’t no telling what they done to get those black dudes’ respect. But those black dudes have seen them do some wild shit. I’ll tell you that. I’ve been trying to tell brothers that. Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. I’m serious. For safety. Because when ship goes down.. Somebody’s gonna need to talk to the police. I mean that’s when that… That’s when that white friend comes in handy. Uh-oh. Ernie, wanna get this one for me. Come on now. Come on now. Do something. The black people are very afraid of the police. That’s a big part of our culture. No matter how rich you are. No matter how old you are. We’re just afraid of them. We got every reason to be afraid of them. You know what I mean. You’re a white lady. You ever been pulled over before? What do they say? Let me see your drivers license and your registration, right? See? See I’m just guessing. That’s not what they say to us. You wouldn’t believe what they say to us. Spread your cheeks and lick your sack! Like what the heck? Excuse me? You heard me. Spread open your cheeks and lift your sack. I got a driver’s license too. It’s an easier way to prove who I am, isn’t it? What does that prove? I can’t go to the bank like that cash my check. What you mean, I don’t have my ID. Wait a minute. Oh. Oh, I’m sorry, Mr. Chappelle. Right this way. Why didn’t you spread your cheeks when you came in here? Scared of them. I’m serious, man. There will be a red light. The police might pull up next to you. It won’t be no big deal for you. But I’m fucking fall apart hard. Don’t look over there. No no no. But I didn’t always know. It was a black thing. It took me a while to figure that out. I learned that shit when I was in New York. I was in New York City. Now I was hanging out with a friend of mine. He was a white guy. We was hanging out. We were lost in the city. You know, smoke a joint. I don’t know if it was a coincidence. We were lost and high and shit. My white buddy, he was smoking a joint. Dave. Dave! It’s the God damned cops. I’m gonna ask them for directions I said Chip, no! Chip, don’t do it! It was too late. He was walking over there. This man was high as shit. Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me!!! I need some information. He starts confessing things he shouldn’t confess. I’m a little high. All I wanna know… which way is 3rd Street? The cop is like, hey, take it easy. You’re on Third Street. You better be careful. Go ahead. Move it. Move it. That’s all that happened. It’s the end of the story. Now I know that’s not amazing to some of you. But you ask one of these black fellows, that shit is fucking incredible, isn’t it? A black man would never dream of talking to the police high. That’s a waste of weed. Serious. I’m scared to talk to the police when I’m sleepy. Fuck around and get the wrong idea or something. Oo-oh! Oh my God! That n i g g a was on PCP, Johnson. I had to use necessary force. You saw him. No, no paperwork. Just sprinkle some crack on him. Let’s get out of here. That’s how it is. But at the time I didn’t think there was anything racial about it. I was like, man, Chip. You got fucking lucky. You better be careful. But then another time, me and Chip were driving. No I’m not driving. Chip is driving. And he’s driving a little crazy. He’s been drinking. I don’t like to let my friends drive drunk. But you know I was smoking a joint. I couldn’t really say shit to the guy. Now we get to a red light. We stop at a red light. And a cop pulls up next to us. And I’ll never forget it. Chip looks at me and goes. He’s all drunk and he’s like “Dave…” I’m going to race him. I knew it was a bad idea. But I was high. I tried to explain to him that it was a bad idea. But all that came out was… Well, maybe sometimes we gotta race? All right! Man, that light turned green. And Chip took off. Zig-zagging and shit so no one could pass him. The other car didn’t know it was racing. Then the police seen us. And pulled us over. You understand I’m scared as shit. I mean, come on. The car smells like weed. He was speeding. This man is fucking drunk. I’m scared. Chip was not scared at all. It was weird. He didn’t even turn his radio down. Isn’t that weird, a little bit? I mean you get pulled over, wouldn’t you turn your radio down? Nobody wants to get their ass beat for a soundtrack and shit. You know what I’m saying? Chip in the music blasting. We’re not gonna take it. Earlier today, just relax. Close your butt cheeks. Relax. Let me do the talking. You wanna know what he said? This is almost exactly what he said. I couldn’t believe it. He says. “Sorry, officer, I… I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” I was fucking shocked! The cop said, well now you know. Get outta here. Get the fuck outta here. Chip said, okay. “I will, sir. Thank you. What? What’s wrong with you, Dave? I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” He said, “that was good, wasn’t it? Because I didn’t know I couldn’t do that.” I’m shocked. I wasn’t shocked at the audacity. I was just shocked because I would’ve never thought to say that. I don’t think anybody I knew would think to say that because they know we know the law. Every black dude in this room is a qualified paralegal and shit. He knows the law. If one of us even start to do something wrong, an old black man would pop out of nowhere. N i g g a, don’t do that. That’s 5 to 10. Watch out. We know the laws and the penalties. Chip didn’t even know he couldn’t race. I’m not saying I don’t like police. I’m not saying that. I’m saying I’m just scared of them. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we want to call them too. Somebody broke into my house once. This is a good time to call him. But I went, I don’t know. The house is too nice. It ain’t a real nice house but they’ll never believe I live in it. They’d be, he’s still here! Oh my God. Open and shut case. Johnson. I saw this once before when I was a rookie. Apparently this n i g g a broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere. Well, let’s sprinkle some crack on him and get out of here. That’s that whole brutality thing. That’s common knowledge, man. There was a time when only minorities knew about that. I won’t say whites wouldn’t believe us. But they were a little skeptical. A little skeptical. I mean I don’t blame you. Even Newsweek printed it. It was in Newsweek. White people were like, oh my God! Honey, did you see this? Apparently the police have been beating up negroes like hot cakes. It’s in the May issue. I mean really how could you know about that? How could anyone else know? You know. Maybe he should have seen something a little suspicious. Doesn’t that seem a little suspicious? Every dead black person in a police van has crack sprinkled on them? Come on, man. Come on, man. Who get shot and sprinkles crack on themselves? Nobody would do that. BAM! Oww! Oww! I don’t want to leave no mysteries. I’m a paranoid guy, you know. I’m afraid to call 911 for anything. If it’s like a fire or anything. Because they tape those phone calls. I see the shows. They tape them. And then they play on television. That’s fucked up. Now I’ll say anything if I’m scared. That shit is private. You’re on your own. What if I get killed? They start playing that 911 tape on the news. I’m dead. I can’t explain myself to my buddies. We was watching the news. We have Reg Chapman on the scene. Reg? What’s going on out there? It always takes the guy on the scene a minute. Hi, Bob! Hi yes. We just got hold of a copy of Dave Chappelle’s frantic 911 emergency call. Remember, viewers, some of this language is disturbing. “Hello. Emergency?” “Help!” “Help, motherfucker! They’re coming to get me!” “Just calm down, sir. Where are ya?” “Oh, oh, I shit on myself.” “I can’t stop cryin’.” They play that shit 30, 40 times a day. All my buddies will be at my funeral looking at me. “You know Dave shit on himself, right?” I saw it on the news. “Died crying like a bitch” I’ll be dead, I can’t even defend myself. That’s not a nice thing to do. That’s not a nice thing to do. I mean, it’s a 9-1-1 tape. How do they expect you to sound? Of course you gon’ be scared. It’s an emergency. There’s nobody calls 9-1-1 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous, wouldn’t it? “Hello, emergency.” “Hi!” Hey, 9-1-1. how are ya? Yeah, uh, look, there’s a group of hooded white men gathering outside of my house. And it looks like they mean business. “GET OUT HERE N i g g a!” “I gotta go.” “You guys try and hurry.” Too much pressure. That’s my problem: I can’t… I can’t handle pressure. Sometimes pressure makes me talk different. I’m serious. Have you ever had that social pressure… have you ever talk to someone who’s fake? And they make you fake? Like, that guy would be like: “Hey, how ya doin’?” And you’re like: “Fine, how are you?” I don’t even talk like that. I get sick of that shit. I do it and it just makes me sick. Sometimes I’ll talk crazy just to make myself feel better. Do y’all do that? You start talking like crazy. You ever hear this voice? “MAH.” That’s how bad guys used to talk in the 40’s, in the old days. See, I used… I talk like that. Not all the time, but if somebody put the pressure on me, fuck it. I gotta cut loose. When the police pull me over I’ll talk like crazy. “Son? Son. Do you know why we pulled you over?” “Nyah. Cause I’m black, see! That’s right. MAAAH!” I do it. It’s not illegal to talk like that. How do they know I don’t talk like that every day? “Stop talking like that.” “Stop talking like what, copper? Mah. That’s how I talk, see.” You gotta make life interesting like that cause the shit is flimsy. Life is flimsy. You… you think you’re gonna live, but ain’t nobody gon’ live forever. It’s dangerous out here. We know what’s going on. I travel now, you know. I used to think that D.C. had the roughest ghettos in the country. Nah, n i g g a. Mm-mmm. I have seen some shit now. Oh, there’s some rough, rough areas outside of D.C. Yeah, everybody should go to the ghetto. I was taken to the ghetto one time. That’s the worst: When you get taken and you’re not expecting to go. You know, usually you wanna know when you’re going to the ghetto, like, “I’m gonna see some wild shit.” I gotta prepare myself. “I’m gonna see somethin’ crazy.” When you’re taken, it’s different. I had a limousine driver. It was after a show, it was late at night, it was like 3:00 in the morning. I had a limousine driver, he was a nice guy, talking to me and shit. “Oh, hey, where you from, dawg?” D.C.? Word? “That’s a rough city, man.” Then his cell phone started ringing. “Hold on one second.” Hello? Oh, what’s up, n i g g a? What? What the fuck? Slow down. What? What the FUCK?! No! No! Noooo! Fuck that! N i g g a, FUCK IT! I’m on my way! Hey. Hey. “I gotta make a stop real quick.” At 3:00 in the morning… I didn’t know he was taking me to the ghetto at first. I started looking out the window, I was like, “What the fuck?” There was a gun store, gun store, liquor store, gun store. “Where the fuck you takin’ me?!” “This don’t look good.” He didn’t say shit. He just pulled up in front of an old, rickety building. That looked like a project. Now, I never been there before, I’m not sure if it was a project. But it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project. A fucking crackhead ran this way. And then another one jumped out a tree and shit. The driver said, “I’ll be right back,” and left me. Took the keys with him, he just left me. At 3:00 in the morning, in front of a project, in a fucking limousine. This was not good. I was like, “Man, I gotta look around and see if I” can see some landmarks and figure out where I’m at. I have to escape on foot. Now this is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood. You only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, it’s 3:00 in the morning. It’s 3:00 in the morning. I look out the window… There was a fucking baby standing on a corner. For real. And the baby… the baby didn’t even look scared. It was just standing there. I mean, it made me sad. It made me sad, really, cause… You know what I mean? Cause I wanted to help the baby. I was like, “Mm-mmm, I don’t trust you either. I’m sorry.” Click. CLICK! The old baby on the corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shit. So where’s this limousine driver? You know, I start feeling bad. As time goes by, I start feeling worse. Like, “Man, what is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong?” I am scared of a baby. You know, this baby could be in trouble. He might need my help. I gotta do something. But I wasn’t gonna get out the car. I’m serious, man. I just cracked the window a little bit. It was an old limousine. I could roll it down and shit. “Hey, baby!” Baby, go home, man. It’s 3:00 in the morning. What the FUCK are you doing up?! The baby said, “I’m selling weed, n i g g a!” I said, “Ohhh shit.” I wasn’t expecting that. I’m serious. I had to buy two bags from him to calm my nerves. “Let me get two. Let me get two times.” Got back in the car and rolled me a joint. That shit was scary, man. Every once in a while, like, a crackhead would come up to the car and look in the window. It was like Jurassic Park and shit. He’d be looking around the car… “All right. Get outta here, cracky.” That baby was still standing there, man. I was like, “What the… “. Then I started feeling bad again. You know how weed make you feel guilty sometimes. You be like… “Man, what is wrong with me, man?” I have just bought weed from an infant. I can’t condone this kind of behavior. What am I thinking? I can’t let the fear ruin my morals. “Gotta do something.” “Hey baby.” Stop selling weed. “You got your whole life ahead of you.” He said, “FUCK you, n i g g a! I got kids to feed.” I was like, “God DAMN.” Sad. Now just at that very moment, one of the crackheads was running across the street and got hit by a car. Now I know it was a hit-and-run: The police did it. That’s all right. They sprinkled some crack on him and he got back up. I’ll be seeing that kind of shit, man? It’s what it is. They use the TV to program us, from a young age. You ever watch, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little as an adult? That shit is wild shit.. Some wild shit. I mean, I was with my nephew. We’re sitting there, we’re watching Pepé Le Pew. And I say to my nephew, I said “Now pay attention to this guy cause he’s funny.” I used to watch him when I was little.” And we’re watching Pepé Le Pew and I’m old now. And I’m like “Good God…” what kind of fucking racist is this guy? Like “take it easy, Pepé.” My nephew was sitting there cracking up: “Hehehe.” See? Sometimes you gotta take the pussy like Pepé. You’re like “No!” Nooo! I had to turn the channel real quick. I turn on Sesame Street and I say (phew) “Sesame Street.” This is much better cause now he’ll learn how to count and spell.” But now I’m watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things: It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That’s right. They got a character on there named Oscar… and treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right in his face. “Oscar, you are so mean. Isn’t he, kids?” “Yeah, Oscar. You’re a grouch.” He’s like, “BITCH, I live in a FUCKING trash can!” I’m the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street! “Nobody’s helping me.” Then you wonder why the kids roll up and step over homeless people. “Get it together, Grouch.” “Get a job, Grouch.” So don’t even tell me how to get to Sesame Street. It’s a terrible place. I wouldn’t go there if I knew the way. Who would wanna live in a neighborhood like that? Fucking six-foot pigeons walking around and… and elephant that’s a junkie. “HI, BIRD.” Yeah, that’s right. Snuffy! “HI, BIRD. I’m sick. I need some smack, BIRD.” The Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out of his head, screaming: “Cookie cookie cookie!” You’re like, “Ergh!” What kind of cookies are you talking about? “Chocolate chips don’t do that to people.” And they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. They didn’t come out and say he was a pimp, but I know a pimp when I see one. They called him The Count. Had a cape and everything. You’d have seen him pimping. “Bitch, where is my money?” You’ve been late four times. I’ve been counting. How many times must I smack you before you act right? One! Two! TWO SMACKS! “Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah, ah, ahhhh…” That’s the thing. There’s so many stuff… there’s just so much stuff to worry about. You know, the more you know, the more you don’t know and shit. You know. Like a lot of people are telling me, “Dave, you know, you just gotta relax. That racism thing has been bugging you too much.” I’ll be thinking about it. Sometimes shit will happen. You know. A lot of black people will relate to this. Have you ever had something happen that was so racist that you didn’t even get mad? It’s like, “Goddamn. That was rac… that was racist.” I mean it was so blatant, you were just like “Wow!” Like you were almost like, it didn’t even happen to you. It was like a fucking movie. That was like you were just watching Mississippi Burning: “Wooow.” That happened to me. I was in Mississippi. I was in Mississippi doing a show. And I go to the restaurant to order some food. And, I say to the guy… I say: “I would like to have…” And before I even my sentence, he says: “The CHICKEN.” I was like, “What the… fuck.” I could not believe it. I could not believe that shit. This man was absolutely right. I said, “How did he know…” that I was going to get some chicken?” I asked him. I said, “How did you know that?” How did you know I was going to get some chicken?” He looked at me like I was crazy. He said, “Come on, buddy. COME ON, BUDDY.” Now everybody knew that as soon as you walked through the goddamn door… you were gonna get some chicken. It ain’t no secret down here “that blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another.” And then I finally understood what he was saying, and I got upset. I wasn’t even mad. I was just upset. I wasn’t ready to hear that shit. All these years, I thought I liked chicken because it was delicious. Turns out I’m genetically predisposed to liking chicken. That shit is whack. I got no say in the matter. That guy ruined chicken for me. I’m scared to eat it in public. I don’t want someone to see me and say something. You know what I mean? You’ll be eating some chicken: (CRUNCH) (crunch) (crunch-crunch) “Look at him.” He loves it. Just like it said in the encyclopedia. “Look how happy he looks.” Sometimes, that’s gonna be too much to deal with. That show business be crazy. That’s where the cultures really collide. Show business bring a lot of races together. Sometimes it works, sometimes it don’t. This is one thing that happens that’s funny. You sometimes I’ll be on a business call, right? You know, like, with… with a lawyer or something. You know, my lawyers be white. And uh… So like, we’ll be on a call, right? And they’ll be like: “OK, Dave, we’re gonna close the deal.” Is that fine with you? I’ll be, like, “Yeah, that’s good for me.” “Great! Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.” I’ll be like, “Alright. You too, man. Peace.” “Uh… all right now. Bye-bye.” They don’t know what to say, right? So sometimes I’ll make up shit that’s not even slang. Just to see how they handle it and shit. It’ll be the same thing, they just go: “All right, we’re gonna close the deal. Is that fine with you, Dave?” “Yeah, it sounds good to me.” “Great. You have a good weekend, Dave.” “All right, buddy. Zip it up, and zip it out.” He’ll be like… “Uh…” All right. “Zippity-doo-dah, bye-BYE.” Sometimes, you know, sometimes racism works out in black people’s favor. It doesn’t happen often. It happens very rarely. But… when it happens, it is fucking sweet. I’m serious. One time, racism saved my life, man. I was… I was on a plane. I was c… I was coming from overseas. And… I don’t know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane, but he stood up, man. He said: “Everybody! Get on the fucking ground.” NOBODY LOOK AT MY FACE!” I started freaking out. Cause he was Chinese. I was like, “Why is he talking like that?” He was screaming and crying. I was the only brother on the plane. Well, I thought I was the only brother. I looked over, there was one other black dude. He was from Nigeria. I looked over at him, he was looking right at my face, man. He didn’t say two words, he was like: He didn’t need to talk. I knew just what he was talking about. I looked right back at him. I was like (gives thumbs up) Some white dudes on the front of the plane seen us. They were like: “Oh my God.” “I think those black guys are gonna try to save us.” Nuh-MMMM. We were just communicating that we understood the situation. We were both seeing the same thing. What we understood was simple. Terrorists don’t take black hostages. That’s the truth. I have yet to see one of us on the news reading a hostage letter. “Mm.” They is treating us good. Uh, we all chillin’ and shit. I’d like to give a shout out to Ray-Ray and Big Steve in… “Newport.” You’re not gonna see it. Terrorists are smart. They know what they’re doing. They’re, you know… They’re terrorists. They know that black people is bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, they say: “Hello.” We have got five black… “Hello?” We be back in D.C. You know what I was thinking, man? This… This is an election year. I’mma ask you, you’re a white guy, do you know who you’re voting for yet? Don’t know, do you? Now you see that? You see what just happened here? Let me tell you something, that is a cultural thing. He knows who he’s gonna vote for. He’s just not gonna tell me. See? I’ve noticed that. That is a cultural thing. White people do not like to talk about their political affiliations. It’s a secret. You ever ask a white guy who he’s voting for? “Hey, Bob. Uh, Bob. Who you gonna vote for?” “Dave, Dave! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” Mmmm… Take it easy now. Take it easy. So anyway, um… I was fucking my wife in her ass, right? And… and… “I mean, it was something else.” “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but… but who are you voting for?” “Dave!” Dave, come on with the voting. I’m trying to tell you about how I fucking my wife. “And you’re asking me all these personal questions.” They don’t like to divulge that information… cause it matters to them. Black people talk about that shit. Black people will openly talk about politics. Black people will openly talk about beating up politicians and shit. “If I see George Bush, I’ll kick his motherfucking ass for cutting my Medicaid.” They don’t care. They’ll just say it. Black people will just say it. But there’s a reason for that. Because it matters more.. It matters more. Black people… see, even when I vote, right, which I don’t, but… but even when I like think about like who I would vote for, right? I don’t even look at their political policies. I just look at their character. You know what I’m saying now? You gotta… no, I’m serious. You gotta read between the lines. Like you know, you look at Clinton. And black people like Clinton. I saw one thing on the campaign trail. He actually just picked a black baby up and kissed him… “Come here, little n i g g a baby.” Mwah! Just kissing him. I said, “Mmmm-hmmm!” I like that. He did not hesitate or nothing. You see George Bush Jr. He’d be like: (kiss) “Ew.” That was fun. Like see I’d never vote for George Bush Jr. But I don’t know George Bush Jr.’s politics. The only thing I know about is that that guy sniffed cocaine. That’s right. Now listen, we cannot have that shit in the White House. That might be fine for a mayor, but goddamn it, not in the White House. Not in the White House. Mmm-mmmm. You hear what I’m saying? The stakes are too high in the White House. Can’t have no cokehead president, mm-mmm. He’d be selling nuclear secrets for 20, 30 dollars and shit. He’d be at meetings, embarrassing America. “Come on.” Sign the treaty, baby. “I’ll suck your dick.” Like what the…? “Mr. President!” Mr. President, that is not how we do business here, sir. “Stop sucking the ambassador’s dick.” “No, let him finish.” I will sign the treaty. “There will be peace in Israel, finally.” I’d vote for Clinton again if I could. At least… It’s always better… Now again, I’m not looking at his politics. Don’t know what his politics are. I’m just looking at his behavior. I understand that kind of behavior. I know a lot of dudes with them shortcomings. Weed smoking fornicators, there’s a lot of them. I mean, come on now. Let’s… let’s be honest. Let’s be honest. Bill Clinton was not the first president to do what he did. Now let’s just… let’s just… let’s think back for a minute. Remember a guy named… named Kennedy? John F. Kennedy. Remember him? He fucked Marilyn Monroe. Matter of fact, him and his brother Bobby fucked Marilyn Monroe. And history doesn’t talk about that much. You know why history doesn’t talk about that much? Because those two pages in history are stuck together. They was gettin’ it on. They were gettin’ it on. I seen the tapes. Remember the tapes? She be singing all nasty as his party, stressin’ him out and shit. “Hap-py birth-day. Mis-ter Pre-si-dent.” “Bitch, my family’s here. Mm-mmm.” Clinton did the same thing, but he didn’t do it like that. Because it’s the year 2000. He’s busier than Kennedy was. He was a busy man. Clinton did that kind of thing the way busy men do it. You know what busy men do? They fuck who’s close to them. I could tell that was what Clinton was up to. Looked like he just stuck his head out the office door and shit. “Ehh, oh boy!” You! You, come here. Come here. I need my penis sucked before my 3:30. Come on. “Oh, boy.” He was probably looking at Kennedy’s picture and shit. “Oh.” (salute) And then to top it off, he lied. Which I thought was just… I thought that was special. I did, man. I know how he did. I’ve been accused of having sex with a girl I did not have sex with before. And let me tell you something, that shit is infuriating. You ever go through that? You know, it’ll make you crazy. You’ll be screaming at your best friends. “I didn’t touch that bitch! N i g g a, I’ll kill you!” Fuck you, n i g g a! I’ll kill you! Please believe me. PLEASE BELIEVE ME! But Clinton didn’t do it like that, did he? Clinton came out at the press conference all relaxed. His shoulder’s all relaxed, looked like he just got done fucking or some shit. “Listen.” Let me tell you something, America. I don’t think you heard me the first time. I did not… have… sexual… relations… with that woman! (sniffs finger) Miss Lewinsky! You know he did it. You know he did it. Everybody knew what that finger smelled like. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. We all watched. We was disgusted but we kept watching the news. I know I did. I was taping it. See, I’d be at the crib like: “Baby, turn the lights off. News is coming on.” Every week on “60 Minutes,” it was a different girl accusing Clinton. Remember when Kathleen Willey came out? She was upset. “The president…” called me into his office. He… began… massaging my breasts… slowly. I’m sorry. And then he placed, my hand… On his genitals. Ed Bradley was shocked. Ohhh! “Was he aroused?” I was at home like, “Yeaaah, was he aroused?” And then Ed Bradley looked right in the camera, he said. “Don’t bust that nut yet. We’ll be right back.” Oh, man. The news had never been so good. But there were no victims. There were no victims.     Only one I feel sorry for is that, uh, Lewinsky. I feel little sorry for her. Don’t y’all feel a little sorry for her at all? Audience: NO! Goddamn, y’all, come on now. Have a heart. That’s a hard thing to be famous for, you know. Ain’t nobody want to be the most famous cocksucker of all times and shit. I feel bad for her. Not even the women feel sorry for her? A little bit, ladies? Women: NO! Now that’s jealousy. That’s what that is. I mean, come on, y’all. That’s one dick that that girl sucked that’s gonna haunt her for the rest of her life. Long after she’s spent that money up, that’s still gonna haunt her. And I know there’s a lot of women in here with at least one dick they regret. And I bet you it wasn’t a president’s dick. I bet you he worked at Kinney shoes or Safeway or some shit like that. Don’t go judging her. Don’t go judging her. See, we gotta stop judging people. That girl was young, and she made a mistake that young girls make. She wanted to fuck a powerful man. Period. That’s as far as she thought it through. She wasn’t thinking about how powerful the president was. She had no wisdom. An older woman would’ve helped everybody. An older woman would’ve been in there. “You know, um, you should lower taxes.” You know what I’m s… An older woman would’ve sucked us into Utopia. The last thing I’m gonna say about it is this: He is a famous man. I have dreamt of being famous, but I never dreamt of being that famous. I never understood how famous a president was. But imagine if someone could suck your dick and then they’re famous. You understand what I’m saying? That’s crazy. That’s crazy. I mean, no guy ever thought of that. There’s nobody with a pickup line that good and shit. “Hey, suck my dick. There’s a future in it.” “Oh, that’s it.” Now get out there and be somebody! Go write a book. You’re a qualified author now. Go write a book. Shit, I’m in the wrong business. I should be the president. Shit, I’m in the wrong business. See the only reason why I want to be the president is because I’m black, that’d make it too hot for me. I mean you know… I mean, there could be a black president one day, but… You don’t wanna be the first one. I mean the second or third is fine, but… That first n i g g a better watch out. I’mma tell you that right now. Too hot. I mean I’d be the first black president. I don’t think that nobody would really, really hurt me. I’m sure somebody’d want to hurt me. But I don’t think they’d touch me. Cause uh… Cause my vice president will be Mexican for a little insurance. You know what I’m saying? I mean, you could shoot me if you want. But you’re just gonna open the border up. You might as well leave me and Vice President Santiago to our own devices. “Ain’t that right, Santiago?” “Si! Siii!” “Elián can stay…” Don’t worry, don’t worry. I ain’t got no Elián jokes. All I’ll say about Elián is thank God he’s Cuban. Cause if he was Haitian, you would’ve never heard about his ass. Mm-mmm. If Elián Gonzalez was Elián Lemumbo from Haiti, they’d have pushed that rubber tube right back and say: “Sorry, fella. All full. Good luck.” The only thing in our society that bothers me the most is the way that men and women don’t get along no more. That’s really what’s bugging me about it. Men and women just don’t get along. Like I hear women say this all the time. I know a lot of you sisters be like: “Chivalry is dead.” Don’t y’all feel that way? Like men aren’t gentlemen anymore? That’s right: Chivalry is dead. And women killed it. There’s a fundamental difference in the way we’re gonna see things. We’re not gonna see eye to eye on this issue. We’re just not. Our tests in life are different. A woman’s test in life is material. A man’s test in life is a woman. Now by test, I mean that those are the things that we desire. Men have nice cars. Not cause they like nice cars. Because they know women like nice cars. That’s how it goes. Cause men are hunters. And the car is the bait. And a woman comes up and says: “Ooh, nice Porsche.” “Gotcha, bitch!” That’s how it is. That’s true. Come on, man. You go to a woman’s house, her house will be comfortable as shit. Women love comfortable surroundings. So men get comfortable surroundings. Let me tell you something: If a man could fuck a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house. But that’s still not where chivalry got killed. Chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on all them magazines that got women going crazy, because women got too much advice about men from other women. And they don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. And it’s true. I see the shit in the magazines. I don’t read ’em, but I be seeing the cover. You ever be in the grocery store, fellas, you look at one of them magazines like “What is this?” And it say on the cover: “A hundred ways to please your man” by… some lady. Get outta here, man. Come on. Ain’t no hundred ways. That list is four things long. Just suck his dick, play with his balls, then fix him a sandwich and don’t talk so much. And they’re gon’ be happy. That’s it. And then the magazines trick the women. The magazines start picking at your self-esteem. Every page you turn, you start feeling fatter, and uglier. And you feel like your clothes aren’t good enough. And the magazines have you forgetting how fucking beautiful you are. And that’s what happens. Now look what happens. And then you forget how beautiful you are, and we all suffer. If pussy was a stock, it would be plummeting right now because you’ve flooded the market with it. You’re giving it away too easy. I’m just… being truthful. I’m just talking. It would plummet! We’d be watching the news. “Today, pussy plummeted again on the NASDAQ.” “Gold is up ten points.” You can see it. You ever have this happen? This is how confusing it is. This is the practical application of what I’m talking about. Like a guy will be out… this happens a lot, guys. You’ll be at a club, a bar, right? You’re just kicking it with your boys, and a girl walks by, and, man, she looks good. She looks good. Not good in that classical way. I mean, you know, I’m talking good like, she got half her ass hanging out her skirt. Her titties are all mashed together… Popping out the top of her turtleneck and shit. And you’re with your buddies, right? You’re with your buddies, you got a couple of drinks in you. And you see a girl. You might try to talk to her. It just might not come out right. I don’t know what you’d say to her: “DAMN, look at them titties!” The girl gets mad at you. “Oh, uh-uhh. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute!” Just because I’m dressed this way, does NOT… “Make me a whore.” Which is true. Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn’t mean they are a certain way. Don’t ever forget it. But, ladies, you must understand that that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle the comedian, walking around the streets in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me. “Oh, thank God.” Officer, help us. Come on. They’re over here. “Help us!” I’m not gonna be like: “Oh!” Just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a police officer.” You understand what I’m saying? It’s like, “All right, lady, fine, fine.” You are not a whore. “But you are wearing a whore’s uniform, I’ll tell you that shit right now.” Little misunderstandings can happen. And then, man, we misunderstand women a lot. You know, we always undermine their feelings. You can’t do that to them. You can’t because… see, feelings are… You see? They’re clapping. Feelings are very important to women. They are all-important to women. I’m just learning this shit. Everything is based on how they “feel”. You could hear it when they tell stories. You ever tell… when a man tells a story, it’d be just facts: Who, what, when, where, why. “It was me and Bob.” We was at Safeway, then that n i g g a Bob said this. “Then I punched that n i g g a, then I broke out.” That’s the story. That’s the story. Women tell stories, and all these feelings come out… “Well, first of all, you have to understand, I was on my period. And I had just talked to my mother, so I was feeling like… “. Goddamn, so many feelings. What the fuck happened? Get to it. Get to it. But they gotta talk about ’em. They gotta talk about ’em. That’s how they always get me. I’ll be sitting there, watching TV, chilling and shit. My old lady come up to me: “David, we need to talk.” “FUCK!” I don’t say that out loud. That’s how I feel inside. Because I know every time we need to talk, we need to talk about some shit that I gotta do. We don’t ever have to talk about anything she needs to do. She leaves me defenseless. I have to do what I have to do. “David, we need to talk.” “Mah.” “Don’t do that to me, David. This is serious. Stop talking in that voice.” “No, see!” I gotta do this, see! “Maaaah! Seeeee.” I complain, but I’m happy that I’m with somebody. I don’t wanna be… I don’t wanna be single. I don’t like that. Sometimes, you go to them single clubs, you see too much. See I was on the road, one club, and I seen… I see a thing they call a “thong contest”. Man: YES! Yeah, I’ve seen a thong contest. Man: SCANDALOUS. Yeah, it’s some scandalous shit, all right. I couldn’t get over that, man. Cause the DJ, you know, I was dancing with a girl, the DJ says: “Everybody who wants to be in the thong contest, please report to the DJ booth.” Girls like, “Excuse me.” They put on that song. “Let me see some THONG thong thong THONG thong.” thong.” Them girls was going off! Some of them pulling their pants down. Some of them pull their skirts up. All of them shaking their butts. Some of them didn’t even have underwear on. They were just fucking shaking their butts. I mean, really, I was fucking disgusted. But I couldn’t turn away. For the squeamish, please plug your ears. All right. One of the girls gets so into it. There’s no cops around, right? But she actually, sorry to tell y’all this, she spreads her buttcheeks open. She spreads her buttcheeks open in the middle of a crowded disco. Right? I was disgusted cause I was like ten yards away from her and I was like, “Oh my, GOD.” “Is that her… is that her birth canal?” Oh it gets worse. I’m like, “Good God almighty, is that a… is that a baby?!” I know, that’s gross. It’s gross. Cause it was a baby. It was the same baby from the projects. He’s like, “I snuck in the club, n i g g a!” I got that weed if you need me. Just pat her on the ass and I’ll come out. All right, guys, thank you very much. Thank you all. Good night. Woo! Ya’ll gone make me lose my mind. Up in here! Up in here! Good night. Good night! Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me act a fool. Up in here! Up in here! Y’all gone make me lose my cool. Up in here! Up in here!"
1686241635-85,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Donald Glover: Weirdo (2012) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/donald-glover-weirdo-transcript/,"Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, gonna talk about a lot of stuff. My parents are gonna see it. They’re the ones in the other car. My mom hasn’t. Yeah. I want her to see what I do, you know? Yeah… but you know, if you gotta do that… You know, you can’t live in fear. You see I’m trying to make a turn, right? It doesn’t matter. But you see I’m making a turn. You gotta pull all the way up and fucking bother me. You could have just stopped back there. This asshole’s awesome. He sees I’m making a left, so he’s gonna pull up to make it hard for me. New York is the best. (Cheers and applause) Hey, guys. So cool. Thank you guys so much for coming, this is awesome. This is so great. How many of you guys know me from my show, “Community”? (Cheers and applause) Great. Just want to let you guys know, this is gonna be nothing like that. This is gonna be a lot grosser. I feel bad… I feel bad for a lot of people who come to the show, like, people bring their kids and stuff like that. Like, “Oh, he’s gonna do Troy and Abed!” And I’m just like, “D!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks, d!cks!” And they’re» “Let’s go!” I mean, ’cause I did… I can be gross sometimes and I know it’s bad. I mean, ’cause I did a half-hour special for Comedy Central, and the way I got that half-hour special was I did an hour in New York. I did an hour on my own and Comedy Central was there, and they were like, “We really liked your hour.” I was like, “Oh, thank you, man, that was really great.” They were like, “We would love to give you a half-hour.” I was like, “Great, I would love to do a half-hour.” They’re like, “Great, but don’t do any of the shit you did in that hour. It was disgusting, don’t do it.” Did you guys hear about that Spider-Man thing that happened with me? (Cheers and applause) Okay, for those of you who have a life, basically what happened was there was… They were talking about on this geek blog, about making Spider-Man, you know, they’re redoing it. So they said that maybe this new Spider-Man, since they’re making it so quickly after making these other Spider-Mans, maybe they should make it real different, you know, make it kind of, like, dark and edgy like The Dark Knight, and put it in modern-day times and stuff, and maybe… You know, Spider-Man maybe doesn’t have to be white, maybe he can be black or Hispanic or something like that, and then somebody put a big picture of me in the comments and was like, “Donald Glover can play Spider-Man, he’s nerdy!” And I was like, okay. And somebody sent that to me so I was like, “Oh yeah, I’ll put that up.” So I put it up on my Twitter and I was like, Oh, Donald for Spider-Man, let’s do this. You know, kind of a joke, but also, like, who doesn’t want to be Spider-Man… That’d be cool. And that’s when the world went crazy. And half the world was like, “Donald for Spider-Man! “We’re only gonna watch the next Spider-Man if Donald Glover’s playing Peter Parker!” And the other half was like, “He’s black, kill him!” Like, it was so fast. It was so fast. It was insane, like, you were either very hot or cold on the subject, and I didn’t… I didn’t say anything, I didn’t do anything during that whole time, I just laid low, but I did read one comment that was like, “Oh, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? We’re just gonna make Spider-Man black now? That’s what we’re gonna do, we’re just gonna make Spider-Man black? That’s what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna make Spider-Man black now? Gonna make Spider-Man black? Well, why don’t we just have Michael Cera play Shaft?” And I didn’t respond to any of the stuff I saw online, except for that one. I wrote back, “Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes! That would be fucking amazing! Fucking Michael Cera playing Shaft. I’d watch that movie every day… I’d go broke. I’d go broke, just like, yes, one more for “Shaft,” please. Like, I’d be there every day. I mean, like, wouldn’t that be awesome, to be watching the movie, just be like, “Hey, Shaft, what’s going on, baby?” “Oh, nothing. Let’s find some hoes.” Like, that’d be so awesome! I’d watch that all the time. The thing that bothered me the most about that, the thing that really got under my skin, was that people kept bringing up Shaft. Like I care about Shaft. Like I must care… He’s black, he must love Shaft. Like I give a fuck about Shaft. Like, I’m like, oh no, don’t take our Shaft! Like, I don’t care, I don’t care about Shaft. Like, it’s just like… Like Shaft was the black Spider-Man or something like that. It’s just like, oh yeah, white people, you guys get this dude who swings from building to building and saves people, and black people, you get this dude who slaps women sometimes. Enjoy! Like, what? No, that’s not okay. He’s not even a superhero. He’s just a black guy. He’s just a black dude. You couldn’t… He’s not a superhero. You couldn’t have no Shaft ride at Universal Studios. You couldn’t have, like… Yeah, what we do is, we put you in the car and then we set up like, five women mannequins, and then you hold your hand out and you just slap ’em all. Just slap ’em all. $5, please. That’s ridiculous. That really bothered me. Like, no one… Like, Shaft… I don’t give a fuck about Shaft. I don’t care about Shaft. The fact that they kept assuming that… Like I woke up every morning, like, in my Shaft pajamas, jumped out of bed, ran down the stairs, drank a cup of Shaft juice, turned on the Shaft television… I just realized “Shaft juice” sounds like semen. Don’t wanna drink that. That’d be gross. I just like… I was just doing some stuff with, like, music, and I just put out that EP, and I was like… (Cheers and applause) Thank you. And I was listening to it in my car, I picked up… Like, it was in the mixing, and I was like, oh, I want to see how it sounds in the car and I picked up a friend of mine, she got in. And she was like, “Is this you?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And she goes, “You listen to your own music?” I was like, “Yeah, yeah, I listen to my own music.” Like, being a… being an entertainer… Being an entertainer is the only job where you can enjoy your own stuff. Did you know that? It’s the only job where you can enjoy your own shit. Like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like, if I made sandwiches for a living, like if I worked at Subway or something, I make sandwiches for a living, and then I go home and I make myself a sandwich, nobody in here is gonna be like, getting a little conceited, aren’t we? Like, no one cares, no one cares. It’s also the only job where you have to keep proving you can do it. Like, you can… You have to keep like… Like, if you work at Staples, you don’t have to be like, “Oh yeah, I know how to move paper from here to here.” Like, you don’t have to do that every time you go in. As an actor, I have to prove I know how to act every time I have to audition and prove I know how to act like I’m just gonna forget how to act one day. Like, I just won’t know. Like, I’ll come back from summer break, go to “Community,” and they’re gonna be like, “Okay, and action!” And I’ll just be like… “What are you doing?” “I don’t know! Is this acting? Help, help!” It’s ridiculous. But like, I was talking about music. I like music a ton, but the problem is, is like, I like weird stuff. I like weird, crazy music, like, weird people making music, and we really don’t have that anymore. Like, you know, we got Lady Gaga and stuff like that, but that’s… I don’t think that’s really weird. I feel like that’s planned, like, I don’t… We need weird stuff. But as an adult, we’re not really allowed to be weird anymore. Like, the older you get, the less you can take weird stuff. That’s the truth. Like, you can’t take weird stuff anymore. Like, as a kid, the idea of Santa Claus is really weird and fucked up. It really is, but you’re… Like for some… Just like, “Hey, there’s this fat guy “that comes in your house, eats all your food, “and he leaves little gifts for you and while your parents are sleeping, he runs up the chimney.” You’re like, “He gives me gifts… cool.” You’re just fine with it. You’re fine with that guy being in your house. As an adult, somebody’s like, “Hey man, ‘Glee’ comes on at 9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight.” You’re like, “Fuck you, really? “Why’d they change it? Why’d they change it?” Can’t take any change whatsoever. But that’s basically what it is, is like, you know, I’m 27, like, I’m about to become who I’m gonna be for the rest of my life. Like, basically, once you hit around your 30s, that’s who you’re gonna be for the rest of your life pretty much. Like, if you’re conservative and you’re around your 30s, you’re probably gonna be conservative for the rest of your life. If you’re like, liberal, and you’re like, in your 30s, you’re probably gonna be liberal for the rest of your life. You know, if you’re a girl and you don’t give blowjobs, curl up to your nine cats and your “Twilight” DVDs, ’cause you’re gonna die alone. You’re gonna die alone. Sorry. I love that joke because guys are always like, “Well put, Mr. Glover.” But it’s true, like you can’t take any… Like, as you get older, you can’t take any weird stuff, that’s just the truth. Like I know… That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour. I was super stoked about that. That was gonna be so awesome and weird, it’s gonna be so crazy. I was having dreams about it, that’s how much I was excited about it. I was having dreams about it. I was like, there’s gonna be, like, two big pillars on stage, like, one big pillar here, like, Lady Gaga’s there and her hair’s, like, blowing in the wind and she’s playing the bass, like this, going… like a huge bass, but the bass isn’t a bass, it’s just a huge tampon, she’s playing a huge… She’s just plucking at a huge tampon. And at the end of it is Tony Danza’s face. He’s just like… He’s just going, like, crazy on there. And then, like, there’s another one, there’s like, another huge pillar, and then, like, Kanye West is on it, he’s playing a piano, but the piano’s not a piano, it’s just a bear, it’s a live bear. For some reason, he’s playing… And the bear’s not eating Kanye ’cause he has so much respect for him, he’s just, like, looking at him. He’s just like, “Oh, I want to eat you, “but you made ‘Graduation! You motherfucker!” He’s like, mad. And then, like, in the audience, there’s like, a big, clear beach ball that everybody’s pushing and kicking around, and in the center of the big clear beach ball’s just this one lone baby, just like, one lone, naked baby, and he’s not crying or anything, he’s just confused and shit. He’s like, why did my parents put me in here? I’m… I thought they loved me! And I was like, yes, that’s worth $50. I wanna see that. And they canceled it. They got rid of it. They were like, it’s too weird, it’s gay, I don’t get it, get rid of it. That hit home for someone. “It’s funny ’cause it’s true!” Well, they got rid of it. They canceled it, and that’s ridiculous. That’s crazy. Only adults would do that. Like, as a kid, we watched the weirdest stuff and nobody cared. Nobody… You guys remember “Muppet Babies”? (Cheers and applause) Let me refresh your memory what “Muppet Babies” is about. “Muppet Babies” is a show about a lady with no face who takes care of a frog, a pig, a dog that plays the piano, and an alien named Gonzo that fucks chickens. And adults were like, “Yeah, watch it, I don’t give a fuck. I got things to do, I gotta go.” No one cared. You guys remember Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sounds like a homeless person’s fever dream. If you… If you were walking down the street and you saw a homeless person and they were like, “They’re all named after Renaissance artists and their father’s a big rat,” you’d be like, “Get the fuck away from me, man!” I’m kind of obsessed with homeless people. I really am. Because, I don’t know, we have a long history together. We do, we have a long history together. Like, when I first moved here, when I first moved here from Atlanta, like, the only thing I knew how to do to make money was to babysit, ’cause my parents, like, they ran a day care, we had a lot of foster kids, so the only thing I really knew how to do was take care of kids. So I had this job, I was supposed to pick up this kid and I was running late and I was leaving a message on the phone, and I was like, you know, talking, and I wasn’t really paying attention to where I was going. And a homeless man… punched me in the face. And I think he was like, schizophrenic or something, ’cause he was like, “Stop following me!” And I was just like… Just ran away. So anyway, I go and pick up the kid, I pick him up, bring him home, make him dinner. His mom comes home, she’s like, “Hey.” She goes in the back room, she comes back out and she goes, “Hey, are you okay?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m fine, I kind of forgot…” She’s like, “Are you sure?” And I’m like, “Yeah, what’s wrong?” And she plays me the voice message I left. And I didn’t keep it, but I remember it very well, and it went a little something… It went like this. Boop. “Hey, it’s Donald, I just wanted to let you know that “I’m running a little bit late picking up Ben, but I just wanted to let you know…” (screaming) “What’d you do? “What’d you do? I gotta hide!” (panting) “I’ll hide in this tree! “Get away! “Get away! Leave me alone!” (sobbing) “I want to die, I want to die.” That’s pretty much how it sounded. So- (cheers and applause) Thanks. So I’ve had a lot of run-ins with, you know, like, homeless people and stuff like that. And you know, I lived in Downtown LA, and Downtown LA is kind of like the ’80s decided to stay there. They’re like, oh, yeah, you guys go ahead and be the ’90s, go enjoy Ace of Base. We’ll be here, practicing the Moonwalk and selling crack. Like, that’s everything in Downtown LA. And I… You know, I’m hanging out in Downtown LA and I would always have… You know, I would have, like, parties or something or watch movies and stuff like that and I’d have girls over and I’d always had to walk them back to their car. Like, they ask me, like, can you walk me back? And I’m like, sure. And around the seventh time, I was like, wow, every girl who comes over asks me to walk them back to their car, like, no matter what time. And like, I realized, I was like, Oh, they’re afraid they’re gonna get attacked or raped or something, and I was like, oh, my God, like, that’s ridiculous. Like, as a grown man, I never think of that, like, that’s never in my head. Like, oh, will I get… Like, rape isn’t right around the corner for me like it is for women, which is so messed up. Like if someone… Like, I’m an adult male, I’m a grown man. Like, if someone was gonna rape me, like, someone’s gonna attack me and rape me, like, they had to be, like… Like, real tricky about it, you know? Like, real tricky. Like, I’d be, like, going in the movie theater, I got my popcorn, you know. About to go see, like, a movie with a bunch of explosions in it. Just like, “Hey, what’s going on? “Sorry, man, sorry. “Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just trying to get through. “It’s The Expendables. “Sorry, excuse me, trying… “Sorry, all right. Ah!” And then I see, like… Then I see, like, a man dressed like a chair running away. Goddammit! “What up, man?” “Nothing… I got raped again, man.” “Can you believe this? No, I don’t want to watch Expendables anymore.” I was hanging out in my neighborhood and this girl was jogging and we started talking about a rape that had happened in the neighborhood, and we were talking about… “Oh, this is awful, this is so messed up. I can’t believe this happened so close to us.” And she goes, “Yeah, well, “if anybody ever tries to rape me, I’m just gonna shit on ’em.” “Yes, I will. I have no problem.” Uh… Two things, lady. Number one, he’s a rapist. So his tolerance for gross stuff is probably pretty high. It’s probably pretty high. Number two… you can shit on command? Like, you can just… You can just poop whenever you want to? Just be like… Hyah! He’s like, “Oh God, no!” Like… You can poop whenever you want? Like, you got… You’re a national treasure. Like, you can… You got more superpowers than Shaft if you can poop whenever you want. That’s amazing, okay? No, I can’t poop whenever I want. Somebody can run down… down the stage right now and pull out a gun and be like, “Shit yourself! Poop yourself right now!” I’d be like, “Blow my head off.” I can’t do it, I can’t do it, I’m not… Me and my butt are, like, always on the third date, I feel like. I feel like, me, I’m always like, come on, let’s… hurry up, let’s do this. And my butt’s always like, stop rushing me, when the time is right. I’m not in love yet. That was me in a domestic dispute with my… with my butt. But with all this, like, crazy stuff going on, with like, you know, rapes and, like, earthquakes and all this… I know, I put, like, rapes and earthquakes in the same category. Like if my sister was like, “I got raped yesterday,” I’d be like, “Did you hear about that earthquake? “It was like a 4.5. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.” They’re not the same thing. But with all this crazy stuff going on, people feel like it’s the end of the world. Like, people just… People talk about… Like, people say this is the worst time. I was talking to my dad the other day and he was like, “Oh man, things are so bad, man. “Things are so bad out here, I’m sorry, I just like… “It feels like this is the worst time to be alive, man. “This is the worst time to be alive. “I’m sorry, son. It’s the worst time to be alive.” And that’s bullshit. That’s crap, that is total crap. This is the best time to be alive ever. This is the best time there has ever been to be human and alive. That’s the truth. (Cheers and applause) It’s the absolute truth. Do you realize, like, just a couple hundred years ago, just a couple hundred years ago, people could come into your village, your community, whatever you want to call it, people could come in there, just a bunch of them, kill you, rape your wife, sell your kids into slavery and people would be like, “Well, what’d you expect?” “It’s nighttime.” “My hands were tied, the sun went down.” You couldn’t get away with that stuff now. Somebody would Twitter that shit, it would be everywhere. Be like, “Someone killed my mom “and sold me and my brother to Greece. W-T-F?” It would be everywhere. People say the same stuff about rap music. People are just like, “Oh, rap music now, oh, it sucks so bad. “Rap music now sucks. “Now, back in the day, that was the good rap music. “That was where the good rap music was at. “I’m gonna walk around with my… Yeah, that’s the good rap music.” No, it’s not. Have you ever listened to rap back in the day? It’s always some dude being like: Well I went to the hat store today And I bought myself a hat Ha-ha-ha-ha! It’s like, “N*gga… N*gga, I don’t want to hear your hat stories.” So lame. You know, I think people don’t like rap nowadays ’cause they say it has, like a bad influence on kids, they have, like, a bad influence on kids. And I grew up with a bunch of kids, like, my mom ran a day care and we had foster kids and we had adopted kids. I know kids pretty well and I’ve got to be honest, kids are pretty fucked up anyway. They’re awful people. They’re tiny, tiny little Hitlers, all of them. They’re all awful. No, seriously. The thing that makes everybody in here a good person is empathy and sympathy. When you learn, like, “Oh, I’m not gonna punch that person, ’cause if he punched me, I wouldn’t like that, so yeah.” When you learn that, that’s what makes you a good person. Kids don’t have that yet, so they’re awful, awful people. They’re terrible people, they don’t have it yet, that’s the honest-to-God… You ever see those kids in the supermarket? They’re just walking around, they’re just like… Just screaming and their mom’s like, “Zachary, Zachary, I mean it, Zachary. “Zachary, Zach… Zachary, remember? “Remember, Zachary? “Remember the… ‘dolphin.’ “Remember, ‘dolphin’? “Remember we made the secret word “that means you need to behave? “‘Dolphin’ is the word, I just said it, “so you need to behave, you understand? “You understand, huh? Okay-r. Like the kid’s gonna be like, “Oh, you’re right, we did agree upon that.” “I’m gonna stop pissing in this Nutella jar and really… really start behaving.” He’s three years old, he doesn’t know. He… He can’t even talk. He can’t even talk, he doesn’t speak English yet. If… That’s the thing, when they’re going, like… And they’re screaming and they’re spitting and they’re screaming at their mom, they’re not saying anything. That’s because they don’t know words yet. If they could talk, they’d be cursing their mom out. They would. They’d be like, “Oh yeah, Mom, I’m just gonna… “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner. “Yeah, I’m just gonna eat this cookie for dinner, “it’s not a big deal, I’m just gonna eat this… “What are you doing? What are you doing? “Oh, you fucking bitch! “You knew I wanted that cookie for dinner “and you put it somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “You’re dead, you’re fucking dead. “I’m gonna tell Dad “and he’s gonna beat the living shit out of you. “Dad, Dad? “This cunt that you married “put a cookie somewhere I couldn’t reach it. “Fucking kill her. I’ll wait.” That’s what’s in a kid’s head. Kids are awful. Kids are awful people… You want to… You want to know a testament to how awful kids are, how terrible kids are? Um, I was walking down the street in LA, just walking down the street from a restaurant, from one of my favorite restaurants, and I had, like, a bag full of food, and it’s right across the street from a school. And I saw two kids fighting over a basketball. They’re like… Fighting over it, I’m just walking by. And one of ’em just goes, and just pulls it. And the other one goes, “That’s why your mom’s in a fucking wheelchair!” And I dropped my shit, I was like, Wha… Wha… What? You can say that? You can say those words in that order and you don’t explode? Like, the people police don’t come down from the sky, like, “Oh, I’m sorry, this person’s a demon. “I didn’t even know… I don’t know how… I don’t know how he got out.”     That’s the most awful thing in the world. Nobody in this room could get away with that. If you went to work tomorrow and it was like, “Hey man, Dave is being a real jerk today.” “Yeah, I know, what’s going on?” “I don’t know, but that’s why his mom’s “in a fucking wheelchair. “All right, I’ll see you later, I’ll see you later. Basketball later?” “No, no basketball later. I’m not playing with a monster.” Tiny Hitlers. All awful. Seriously, that’s why I wear condoms. I’m not having a baby. I’m not ready to have a baby. And I know a lot of people are just like, “I wear condoms ’cause I don’t want to get AIDS.” But I gotta be honest, I’m sorry, I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby. Sorry, AIDS beats baby by this much. Seriously. People get all upset when they hear that. Think about it, they’re not that different, you guys. They’re not that different at all. They’re both expensive, you have them for the rest of your life, they’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made, and once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference? What’s the difference? The only difference is, you can’t go to jail by accidentally dropping AIDS. So AIDS wins by this much. I’m serious, I mean, like, people… At least people, “when you have AIDS, people are, like, aware of it and people want to help you. People feel sorry for you. Like, people want to help you out and make other people aware of that when you have AIDS. People don’t give a shit when you have kids. No one’s just like, “Yeah, man, I’m living with kids.” “Been kids-positive for about five years now. “I lost a lot of my friends in the ’80s to kids. “We’re doing a kids walk tomorrow and just… “I’m sorry, one of my kids coughed in my face, I have to leave,” like, no… No one cares. And it’s weird… Like, I remember, here’s… I was babysitting this kid once, this mean kid, and I remember the first time I saw him, I opened the door and there were tears streaming down his face, tears streaming down his face, but he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t crying. Just tears, he was giving me this mean mug, he was like… I was like, what the fuck is wrong with this kid? What’s going on with this kid? I found out later that his parents were very organic and they wouldn’t let him have any sugar, they wouldn’t let him have any candy. He would… The sweetest thing he was allowed was mints. He was just allowed to have mints. So he would steal mints by the handful. So his breath was so fresh… the vapors from his own mouth made his eyes water. Like, he’d be like, “Hello!” And then like… Just, they would just bleed… It was crazy. I would take him to the park, right? Washington Square Park, and all the babysitters in New York for some reason are Trinidadian. They’re all Trinidadian babysitters. And I would take him to the park and I was the only boy there, you know, I was hanging out. You know, they were cool. You know, we’d trade jerk- chicken recipes and stuff. And he… he was just a mean-spirited kid, like, he kind Of… Like, he watched HBO just a little too early and was just kind of a mean kid in general, so he would just come through and just… He wanted to get to his slide, so he just pushed over this little girl, she fell over, and her Trinidadian babysitter comes over and goes, “Hey! You leave that little girl alone.” And he goes, “Shut up.” And she goes, “Don’t you talk to me like that, I am a grown-up, you will respect me.” And he goes, “Suck my d!ck!” And the lady goes… I shit you not… The lady goes, “Someone betta get this little niglet away from me.” And I fell out because I have never heard the word “niglet” before! I never heard… My brain started… I was like, niglet, I haven’t heard that one! It was, like, insane. Like, the first thing that came to my head was, like, the name of a band or something, like, everybody give it up for Bobby Johnson and the Niglets! And like, three little kids in like, slim-fit suits come out. They sing, like, exclusively Hall & Oates songs. I was like, “niglet!” I was taking him home while it’s still in my head. I was like, niglet, like, is that like the black version of Piglet, like, Niglet? One of ’em’s just like, “Hey, I’m Niglet!” And like, Pooh’s at the door, he’s like, “Oh, come on, man, it’s 3:00 in the morning, you smell like malt liquor.” “Shut up, I’m Niglet!” Like… And like, I couldn’t… I couldn’t even get mad at the slur because there’s just something about racism that’s funny… when it’s tiny, you know? When it’s tiny, it’s just hilarious for some reason. Like, if a tiny Klansman ran onstage right now and was like, “Get off stage, you n*gger!” I’d be like, “Look at the little guy!” Pick him up, tickle him. “I’m gonna burn a cross on your lawn,” like, “Shut up, you little motherfucker. Get out of here!” “Aw, I mean it!” That’d be hilarious. It’d be like a messed-up Webster. We’d like, share a split-level house. He’s going up the stairs with his tiny cross. And he’s like, “Hey, Donald.” “Yeah?” “I hate you.” “I hate you too, tiny Klansman. I hate you too.” It’s funny how, like, the N-word still comes up in weird places. It does, like, it’s strange ’cause, like, it doesn’t really affect me like I’m sure it does like it used to. Like, I don’t really think about it, it doesn’t really come up and like, I don’t really care about that shit, but it still comes up in weird places. Like, I like… Like, I write raps, so sometimes I will write them in my iPhone, so I was like, writing, you know, the N-word in my iPhone, N-I-G-G-A, I was writing the N-word. And my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘niggardly’?” And I was like, “No, iPhone. “I meant ‘n*gga.’ Write it.” But then, like, two weeks later, I was writing “jigga,” which is the shortened form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A, and my iPhone goes, “Did you mean ‘n*gga’?” And I went, “Whoa, iPhone!” “You do not get to say that.” I like to… I like… You know. I’ve said this in my raps before. I like to date the black girls of every culture, you know. Like Filipinos. They’re like the black girls of Asians. Armenians, who’s like the black girls of white girls. And I was dating this Armenian and… Someone’s racist. Armenians! Oh, God, but seriously, who were you dating? I was… No, I was dating this Armenian girl and we were making sex. I was having sex with her. I know, I wish I could start every sentence that way. Just like, “I was having sex with this girl, and enjoy ‘Black Swan. “Oh, I liked that. I liked the part where he said he was having sex.” But I was having sex with her and we were towards… towards the end, and she goes, “Fuck me harder with that N-word d!ck.” And I stop, look at her right in the eye… and I came harder than I’ve ever come… before. It was so awesome, you guys, it was so great. Like, I was like, wha? Like, I couldn’t believe it. Like, it was almost worth being black my entire life. It was so great. It was so great, I actually felt bad for white dudes, I felt bad. I was like, you guys’ll never have that! You’ll never have that… what do you guys have? “Cracker d!ck”? That’s not… That’s not sexy at all. That sounds like a virus you pick up on a cruise ship. Like, yeah, you’ve got cracker d!ck. Yeah, just hold it together, I don’t know. People always want to know who can say the N-word and who can’t say the N-word. You know, like people always… You know, I’ve got a lot of white friends. And they’re all just kind of like, “Oh man, I wish I could say that stuff. “It sounds so cool when you say it in rap songs. Like, I want to say that, it sounds cool.” And I’m just like, oh, it doesn’t really, like, do anything… it’s not that great, you know? Like, it still comes up in weird places, like… You know, like that niglet joke? I told that joke in Alaska, and Alaska, for some reason, has a large deaf population. So they hired a woman to do sign language with me for that joke, and she comes up to me and she goes, “I’m sorry, but are there any terms or phrases in your act “that don’t exist in sign language that I have to make up on the spot?” And I was like… “Yeah. Niglet?” And she goes, “Oh.” There’s already a term for “niglet” in sign language! They already have it! Deaf people have been saying “niglet” for years! For years! A n*gga that is tiny, that’s what that means! Was it… Why is this “n*gga”? Why is this… This is… I feel like it should be… Or… Way, way before this. I’ve done this walking down the street. Like, when my nose itches, I’ve done that and I feel like deaf people were looking at me like, “That motherfucker’s racist.” “That guy hates his own people.” But like I was saying, people always want to know who can say it and who can’t and it doesn’t help me, it doesn’t help anyone. Like, it doesn’t… Like, being black and being able to say, like, the N-word doesn’t help at all, like, no one’s ever… I’m not gonna get a job off of it or anything like that. It’s like, “This dude is extremely qualified for this job… “but this guy can say n*gger whenever he wants. Which one do we choose?” Like, no one cares. But there is one person in the entire world I know for a fact who can say the N-word, who isn’t a minority. There’s one person, there’s one dude. There’s one dude in the entire world who can say the N-word and he’s not a minority, he’s not black. And that one person in the entire world who can say the N-word is… Charlie Sheen. “Why does Charlie Sheen get to say the N-word, Donald?” I will tell you, audience. The reason Charlie Sheen gets to say the N-word is because Charlie Sheen, before all this crazy stuff happened two years ago, got in a fight on the phone with his ex-wife, Denise Richards, and just straight up called her a n*gger. Just called her… Just called her the N-word, like literally. He was like, “Listen here, you n*gger!” Like, really, really gave it to her, and I’m sorry, give that man the NAACP Award. That is… Seriously, that is amazing, think about it. A white dude called a white woman a n*gger. Straight up, he didn’t say, like, “I hope you get raped by…” Or something like that. You know, he didn’t Mel Gibson it, like, he just… totally just called her… I’m sorry, and that’s amazing, that really is an amazing thing, like, think about it. Like, see, black people use the N-word for everything. We use it for everything, like, mother, brother, sister, like, love, hate, we use it for everything. I called a seat belt a n*gger earlier today. I called a seat belt the N-word. I was putting on the seat belt and I was like… “N*gga, if you don’t…” I called it… it just needs a little flavor, so I gave it the N-word. You never… Like, we use it for everything. You never see any other minority… You never see white people just using it, you never see that… Just using it for everything. Like, you’ll never go in Ikea and see, like, two white undergraduates from NYU just holding… just holding up, some, like rugs and being like, “What do you think of this rug, Denise?” “I hate green.” “Oh, stop being a n*gger, what do you think?” You’ll never see that. You’ll never see that, and that’s the problem, it has to become a bad word for everybody. I hate it when black leaders are just like, oh, we’re getting rid of it, everybody’s got to stop saying it. No one… Like, rappers will still say it because you told them not to. That’s what makes them badasses. Like, you got… Everybody’s got to start saying it. Everyone, like white people. Like, you guys have got to start saying the N-word. You guys gotta start saying it. We will lose some of you in the process. Not all of you will make it home. But you’ll be dying for a good cause, it’ll be great. I saw a lot of white people here just like, “No, I would never… Uh-uh. “Not me, I won’t be doing that. I will never… I would never do that.” And let’s be honest. White people have been getting pretty bold with the N-word lately anyway. Like, seriously, I was at a Kanye West concert. I was at a Kanye concert the other day, right? I was at a Kanye concert and he was doing “All the Lights,” and you know how “All the Lights” starts. He does like three… three parts of a verse and then he gets to the end, and then he holds the mic out for the N-word part and everyone was like, “N*gger- Like, everyone, everyone. And I was in… I wasn’t in Detroit, I wasn’t in South Africa, I was in Texas, where they make white people. I was surrounded by white people and I was like, what the hell just happened? And they all looked at me like, what you gonna do? It’s a Kanye concert, we outnumber you. I was like, okay. I’m, like… I just got out of a relationship that was, like, pretty, like… Pretty hard. Like, I mean… ‘Cause I was, like… Really, like, fell for this girl. And the thing is, like, well, I learned a lot, which is always good. Like, you want to learn from stuff like that and like, one thing I did learn… I guess the biggest thing I learned was, like, if… If a conversation starts with, “What did you mean by that?”, it is not gonna end with, “Oh, now I know what you mean by that.” “Let’s go to Game-Stop.” Never happens. The thing is, is like dudes are pretty… Like, we’re pretty simple. We’re dumb, but we’re simple. Like we’re very simple. Like every dude pretty much is like, oh, I woke up, now I want to eat, did I eat? Now I want to fuck, did I fuck? Time to sleep again. That’s pretty much all… That’s all dudes. Girls, they’re, like, individuals. Like, all of them very individual, very different, and sometimes they will want two opposing things at the same time, like two opposing things, which is crazy to me, like that’s insane. Here’s a perfect example, is Destiny’s Child. You guys remember Destiny’s Child? Destiny’s Child? Yeah, Destiny’s Child. Women love Destiny’s Child. And remember what their first big hit? Their first big hit? “Bills, Bills, Bills.” Remember that? “Bills, Bills, Bills”? Every girl in here is like, “Yes, I do, I remember that. Totally do,” because it was just like… Everybody was just like, can you be… can you be responsible? That was that whole song. Can you be responsible? Can you pay my bills? Can you be a man who provides for me? Can you be… can you be there? Are you responsible? Can you be there? And then we were like, yeah, sure, yeah. Dude, we can do that, we can totally do that. Not even a year later, they come out with another song called “Soldier,” all about dudes who smoke weed in the middle of the street and shit, with two pit bulls working out. It was like, hey, Destiny’s Child, make up your fucking mind, okay? The dude working out in the middle of the street is not the dude paying your bills. I’ve never… I’ve never been… I’ve never seen a 245-pound, buff, like ripped dude wearing no shirt wearing a bandana and sunglasses, holding a briefcase at the bus stop, like, “I’m gonna be late for my data-input job at Google.” ‘Cause it doesn’t exist. You can’t have a thug and a working man. They’re not the same. You can’t have it, like, that’s… I hate this “Sex & the City” guy that every girl is looking for where it’s just like, “Oh, he makes chairs, but he also fixes babies.” That doesn’t exist. That dude doesn’t exist, okay? Being a girl and wanting that type of dude is kind of like being a dude and being like, “You know, I want a girl who will willingly do butt stuff. But I also want a girl who wasn’t molested.” Doesn’t exist. Doesn’t exist. No girl wants a penis in the butt. Sorry, guys- No girl wants a penis in the butt. Penises are gross. That’s why we talk about them all the time and hold ’em and stuff, ’cause we know they’re gross. We’re trying to talk ’em up like a used-car salesman. We’re trying to make ’em sound cool. It’s kind of like your friend who bought a Zune when everybody else bought an iPod. He keeps talking about how awesome it is. He’s just like, oh, mine has bigger battery power and it picks up the radio. It’s like, “it’s still a Zune, n*gga… nobody wants it. Put it away.” “Obama has it!” “Get out of here.” I’m sorry I’m being so crazy. It’s weird. I mean, like, I grew up with, a bunch of, like, kids, and that’s basically how I learned all about, like, insane stuff, like all the crazy stuff we used to do, was like, that’s how we did it, and you know, I want to make people happy. And it’s hard to find that balance sometimes, because like, I know I’m gross. People laugh, but some people think it’s kind of gross, too. But I always try to make people happy. Like, when I was a kid, like, we had a bunch of kids come and we had my cousins coming over once, all… like eight cousins. They’re all coming and I wanted to do something, like, special for them, I wanted to do something really cool, so I used my allowance money, which took me a long time to get. I had like… I get like a dollar or two dollars, like, a week, so I saved $20 and I went to the store and I bought all the stuff to make s’mores. And I was like, oh, I’m gonna make s’mores with my cousins, it’s gonna be great. I was like, this is my money, I can do whatever I want with it. I’m an independent woman. So, like, I buy all that stuff and then, I like, take it home and all my cousins are there and I’m, like, handing out the stuff. But I bought two for me. Like, I was like, it’s my money, you know, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two for me, I’m the oldest, it’s my money. I’m gonna get two s’mores for me, everybody else can get one. It was just like, okay, cool. I hand out the s’more stuff, we’re all getting crazy and stuff, we’re really excited, and one of my cousins just looks at it, looks at me, and then he just goes… (squishing sound) It’s not warmed up or anything, he just took all the ingredients and crushed them in his hand. He was just like… Just looking at it. All my other cousins were like, what the fuck is his problem? What is going on with him? He’s a weirdo. And he’s just like… whatever, so we make our s’mores, they’re really good, we’re making all our s’mores on the stove and we’re just, like, oh, this is so good, mm, mm, mm. And he’s just like… “I broke it, my s’more, I want a s’more.” And like, I was, like, “You messed up, “I’m sorry, dude, I don’t know what to do. You… I saw you do it.” And my mom was like, “Donald, give him the s’more.” And I was like, “What?” She’s like, “Just give him the extra s’more. He’s crying, give him the extra s’more.” And I was like, “No! No, no, he can’t have it, this is mine.” Just like, “Donald, don’t be selfish, give him the s’more.” I’m like, “No!” I was, like, crying. I was like, “No, please! This is my s’more, I did it with my own money!” She’s like, “Donald, you’re being selfish, this is your cousin, be nice to him, give him the s’more.” And I’m like… And I give him the s’more and he’s like… So, you know, I’ve been getting a little more famous lately. You know, I’m on TV and stuff like that, so a lot of relatives have been reaching out to me and stuff like that. So this cousin… I find him on Face… He contacts me on Facebook and he’s like, “Hey, man, what’s going on?” I’m like, “Oh, hey, how’s it going?” It’s like, oh, we catch up, we’re going back and forth. Like, “Oh, man, it’s so great.” “Oh cool, how you doing? I saw you on TV.” I’m like, “Oh, thanks, man, that’s really cool.” He’s like, “Man, you’re doing big things, that’s awesome, man, like, great.” “Thanks, man,” he’s like, “Yeah.” I’m like. “How are you?“ He’s like, “Yeah, man, I… “I got this girl pregnant, man. I don’t… I don’t know what to do.” And the first thing that came to my head was… good. I’m glad. I’m glad you’re in a dilemma. ‘Cause you ate my s’more. I hope he comes out and he’s a giant s’more and you crush him in your hand, because that’s what you do to awesome stuff. That’s how fucked up I am. This guy’s having a serious dilemma, like a serious thing. This will… It’s gonna change his life forever either way and I’m like, good! That $2 s’more. Yes, success, revenge! So ridiculous. I like… ‘Cause, like… You know… ‘Cause that stuff is important to you when you’re a kid. That stuff is really important. Like, that was like the world to me as a kid. Like, we like… ‘Cause kids love sugar. Like, my brother, Steven, loves sugar. He loves sugar. And I remember, like, we weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid, we weren’t. We just weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals. And, like, my mom would, like, get us… Like the two cereals we were allowed to have was Cheerios and Kix, and Cheerios is like cardboard doo-doo, and Kix is kind of like the handjob of cereals. It’s like, a little sweet, it’s like… It’s the handjob of cereals, ’cause it’s like, this is pretty good, but… you know what I really want. So, like, we would always go to the store and my mom… And my brother would be like, “Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs? “I really want Cocoa Puffs! Can we get Cocoa Puffs? I want Cocoa Puffs!” And my mom would be like, “No, no, no, no, no,” like, “No, we’re not getting Cocoa Puffs, no sugar, no, no, no, no.” And then one day my brother just snapped. He just snapped. He was just like, “Mom, everyone’s eating it!” My mom goes… grabs it and goes, “Fine.” Throws it in the cart and just walks away and me and my brother go, what? It was that easy? So we go home, we go home and we’re like skipping around, we’re like, yes, yes, yes! We’re gonna get Cocoa Puffs, this is gonna be so awesome! Yes, yes, yes, yes! I can’t wait. Oh, this is gonna be so great, we get to tell everybody at school we had Cocoa Puffs! And she… My mom was a Tupperware woman. And my mom goes over to the cabinet and does the most devious thing I’ve ever seen anyone ever do. She takes a big Tupperware container meant for cereal, like, one of those big things that you pour and stuff, opens it up, takes a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs, like, just the top, like 1/4th of the Cocoa Puffs, pours it in there, like… Then takes a big ‘ol box of Kix, pours like the whole thing on top of it, shakes it up. So like, the ratio is like, 13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff, like, it was like one spot of brown… It looked like a Kanye concert. That’s what it looked like. It looked like a Kanye concert. She takes the box and slides it across the table and was like, “There you go.” And my brother’s just like… (crying) And continues to pour himself a bowl! You bitch! How could you ruin this? Like, crying. But he still ate it! That’s how much kids love sugar, that’s how much my brother loves sugar. He was an addict. He could have been like, fuck this, I don’t need this, whatever… He was like, “No, no, I still want it! I still want it!” It’s just like, if you love pizza and then a dude’s like, “Hey, you like pizza?” “There you go!” You’re not gonna be like, “Oh, you asshole! You asshole!” Don’t eat the pizza! Don’t eat it! There’s not people lined up around the block, just like a Domino’s, like, “Oh, come on, baby. I used to be a lawyer.” Don’t eat it. Like I said, like, I grew up with a lot of foster parents… foster kids and stuff like that. Like, I mean, like, my parents were my parents, I never had foster parents, but like, we had a lot of kids going through there. And that’s how I learned about all the stuff in the world, like sex and all that crazy stuff, ’cause they would talk about this crazy stuff. I’d be like, what? Like, I was so, like, sheltered. Like, my parents did a good job about that. Like, they did, like… And it would be weird, because I remember we would have kids coming in. And Dimarco’s like my little brother, and he’s adopted, but we had him since he was little, so he’s like, my real brother, for all intents and purposes, like, he was there since he was a baby. So, like, I would mess with him like he was my little brother, like, I’d be on the top bunk and he’d be on the bottom bunk, I’d be on the top and be like, “Hey, Dimarco.” He’d be like, “What?” I’d be like, “When you fall asleep, I’m gonna piss in your mouth.” “stop!” And my dad would be like, “Quiet down in there! I’m trying to masturbate in the den!” You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in the system. You can’t do that stuff to kids who have been in… like, in house after house, like, because they’ve been in the system too long. They’re too rough. Like, I tried to pull this stuff on this kid named, like, Teddy. I tried to pull it. You know, I was, like, on the top bunk and I was like, “Hey, Teddy.” And he was like, “What?” And I was like, “When you fall asleep…” “… I’m gonna pee in your mouth.” And he was like, “You piss in my mouth, I’m gonna bite your d!ck off.” And I was like, “Good night!” Like, terrified. Like, every Saturday morning, we would come down and we would, like, rule the whole house, ’cause there was, like, a bunch of us, not including my cousins that would come over sometimes, and some kids my mom would babysit. So there’s like a bunch of us, there’s eight of us just jumping around, banging around the walls, just like going crazy and my mom would be like, “Get these kids out of here, they’re driving me nuts.” And my… Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go on a Saturday morning more than anywhere else, where do you want to go? Where? Where? Park. Park, I heard park. Chuck E. Cheese makes me really sad. Someone had a stepdad. “Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese, whatever. I’m gonna go call your new mom.” Oh, “new mom” hit a sore spot for a lot of people. No, but it was like… Yeah, you go to Toys R’ Us, guys. Toys R’ Us. That’s where you want to go. Toys R’ Us was the illest place on Earth. It was so dope. Like, Toys R’ Us was so dope, you didn’t even need to go home with anything. That was how awesome it was. Sometimes you just want to hang out there, just look at all the new stuff, get on bikes, like, ride ’em in the aisles. And somebody’d be like, “Hey, get off that, you can’t do that!” And you’d be like, “Oh, I’m sorry.” And as soon as they turn the corner, you’d be like… “Ahh, fuck you!” Just run around, be awesome. But like, we would always ask to go to Toys R’ Us. We’d go, like, “Dad, Dad, can we go to Toys R’ Us? We really want to go to Toys R’ Us.” My dad would be like, “You guys want to go to Toys R’ Us?” We’d be like, “Yeah, we really want to! Let’s go to Toys R’ Us!” He’d be like, “Well, get in the van. We’re like, “Yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us! We’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys R’ Us.” Toys R’ Us dance. We get in the van, we’re like all happy and stuff, like, yes, we’re going to Toys R’ Us, we’re going to Toys… We’re going to Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! Toys R’ Us! And we never went to Toys R’ Us. We never went to Toys R’ Us. We always went to fucking Auschwitz for kids, fucking Home Depot. Fucking worst… Worst place on Earth. Fucking hate Home Depot. I hate it. It’s the worst place, ’cause that’s where your childhood goes to die, it really is. It’s where your childhood goes to die. The second… The one day you walk into a Home Depot and you’re like, “Oh, knobs,” you’re dead. You’re dead inside. ‘Cause all of us have had that moment when we’re at Home Depot and was like, “Oh, that’s a cute little mailbox.” Bury your dreams ’cause you’re not a kid anymore. You’re dead. And we would always go in there and it’s the worst place as a kid, it’s the worst place ever, because you want to touch stuff, you want to hang out, and then, just a bunch of quiet adults looking around like, “Oh, don’t touch that, that’s sharp. Hmm, I can make my house a mansion.” No, you can’t. You can’t make your house a mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s. Like, it’s not gonna do anything. So it was me, my brother and this new kid we had just gotten named Terry, and he was new, brand new. And we go in there, we’re like, “Hey, come on, let’s go.” He’s like, “What?” And we go to the toilet section and we pretend to take shits. Like, that was a fun thing. We’d go to the toilet section and pretend to make poops. Like, we’d go over to the toilet and be like… “I ate a lot of beans,” like, and that was, like, a fun thing. “Ooh, I must have had a lot of fruit.” Like, that was, like the fun… the fun thing to do. And Terry went over and took a real shit. And I remember it so vividly because he pulled down his pants. And I remember thinking… he doesn’t have to do that. And he sat down and he just goes… And he gets up. And me and my brother look at each other. And no one in here knows fear until you’ve seen a dry turd in the middle of Home Depot… at 11:00 a.m. in the morning. People are eating waffles and jogging. People are like, “Muah, I love you, honey, I’m gonna go to work.” And someone pooped in the middle of Home Depot. And I think my brother kind of lost it for a second. He kind of went crazy for one second, ’cause he was like… “I’m… I’m… I’m gonna try and flush it.” I was like, “What are you talking about? “There’s no water! “We’re in the middle of Home Depot! We’re right by a washing machine!” And like… We’re freaking out. “We’re dead, we’re dead, we’re gonna die. “We’re dead meat. Oh, my God, we’re gonna die, we’re dead meat.” And then, like, I look over at Terry and Terry’s freaking out, he’s like, “I don’t wanna go back to the house. I don’t want to go back to the other place.” And I just grabbed him and I was like, “Get it together, Terry! “Get your shit together. “We are no longer children. “You took that away from us, man. “You took that away from us. Get your shit together.” So, we’re freaking out, like, “what are we gonna do?” And I’m like, “Okay, I’m the oldest, I’m the oldest. Okay, I’m the oldest.” So I run to the toilet-seat section, pick up a toilet-seat box, and just put it on top. Still in the box, just a box with a picture of a toilet seat on it, on top of a turd. And I look at my brothers and I was like, “Let’s just fade away, guys. “Blood oath, right? Just fade away.” And then for, like… like for five minutes. Like, my little brothers, like, they hid underneath some, like, 2 X 4s for, like five minutes, and like for ten minutes, I hid in, like, some rakes. Just be… super quiet. And for the next five minutes, we were the most well-behaved kids in Home Depot history. Like we were the most… Like kids are just going, “I don’t wanna be here.” And we were like, “What’s wrong with that kid? Need a back massage, Dad?” And my Dad was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s… What’s going on?” And we, like, look at him and he goes, “You want to go to Toys R’ Us.” “All right, well, you didn’t have to work that hard, it’s okay.” And he goes and me and my brother look at each other and… “What the fuck? “We… we gotta shit in stuff more often. We have to poop in stuff more often.” But we look over at Terry and Terry’s losing it, he’s never lied like that before. So he’s just standing there… He can’t look at my dad, he’s like, freaking out, shaking and stuff like that, I’m like, “Terry, we’re almost home-free. “Just hold on, we’re almost there. Just hold on, we’re almost there.” And that’s when we hear it. That’s when we hear the loudest sound I’ve ever heard in my entire life. And it was… “Oh, my God!” And it was the… oldest Asian woman I’ve ever seen, just on the ground, like… “Poop! Poop” And she didn’t know much English, but she knew “poop,” and she was screaming it. And the manager runs over, he’s like, “What’s… what’s wrong? What’s going on? What“ what-J’ “Oh, my God!” Like, he’s screaming. “Someone pooped in the toilet!” And then, like, adults run over there. “What’s going on? Oh, my God, who did this?” Everybody’s screaming, crying and stuff like that. It was like the end of the movie Se7en and shit. Everybody’s crying. Morgan Freeman was there, he’s like, “Oh, how can someone do this?” Like, everyone’s going nuts. I’ve never seen this many adults cry in my entire life. Never. And the thing that gave us away, the thing that gave us away was that everybody, everyone is running, everyone is screaming, everyone’s crying… and me and my brothers are like statue kids. We’re just staring at my dad just like, maybe if we don’t move and we don’t breathe like normal kids do, he’ll know that everything’s fine because we haven’t moved for 20 minutes. And he looks at us, looks at the poop, looks back at us and goes… “Let’s go.” And we all ran out. You guys have been so awesome. Thank you guys so much, I really appreciate it. (Cheers and applause) Night."
1686242557-318,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,BILL BURR ON THE LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN (2010) – TRANSCRIPT,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/bill-burr-late-show-with-david-letterman-2010/,"Bill Burr performing on The Late Show with David Letterman in 2010. Please welcome back the very funny Bill Burr everybody! Alright! Thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank You! Alright. OK, Alright. Let’s get into it here. I uh… I’ve been battling with my girlfriend a lot lately. Um. She loves to watch The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love to watch her watch The Oprah Show and then I wait for Oprah to say something that I don’t agree with and then I take it out on my girlfriend because I’m a jerk! So, Oprah brings out her first guest, right? She gives her this huge intro. She’s written a book, she’s been in a movie and she does the most difficult job on the planet. She’s a mother. So immediately I look at my girlfriend, and I’m like, “really”? Being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet? How many moms died on Ice Road Truckers last season? You know? Any moms get washed overboard on Deadliest Catch? I’m not trying to be disrespectful but which job would you rather have? Do you wanna scoop crabs up off the bottom of the ocean… … hanging off some rusty tugboat? and catching that trap to the back your head every couple of weeks? Or do you wanna hang out in the sunshine with a couple of “Rug-Rats” You know. You can send them to bed anytime you want on some trumped-up charges; yeah trumped-up charges! Yeah ’cause you wanna have a drink and watch The Price is Right. I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Nah, maybe, maybe it IS the most difficult job. I mean I thought roofing in the middle of July as a redhead! I thought that THAT was a difficult job but evidently these mothers, they’re bending over at the waist, putting DVD’s in the DVD players I don’t know how they do it. How do they do it? The way they push that stroller with the round wheels… yeah, and the baby IN there? It’s the most difficult job on the planet! Going to war. Pinned down by a sniper. What a joke! A joke! Did you ever burp a baby and forget to put that towel up there? There’s another shirt you gotta wash! Right! Oh yeah! Lift with your knees and put it in that machine that does it for you. People, any job you can do in your pajamas is not difficult! Sure, it’s draining, but c’mon man, being a stay at home mom, that’s like my dream job. No boss! No time card! No taxes! You’re off the grid! Hangin out all day making grilled cheese sandwiches. Giving a puppet show; you’re dressed like a dragon. Then some other adult Some other adult comes home and gives you money! So, I got a dog recently. That’s a big thing in my life. I went down to the pound and I got a free dog. That’s how I say it. I don’t say I rescued a dog. Alright? It’s obnoxious and it’s not true. I’m sick of people doing that. She’s a rescue. Yeah, I rescued her. Really? Did you pull her out of a burning building? Did you jump in a river with your wing-tips still on? With no concern for your own safety? Or did you just go down to the pound and get a free dog? Stop acting like you had to take out a couple of guards… crawl in on your elbows, using hand signals Dude! Didja ever go down to the pound? They’re just giving the dogs away! They don’t even do a background check. They’re just, like, you want ’em? Ahh, get out of here! Who’s next? So, my girlfriend actually, to be honest with you, got the dog while I was traveling. I was in a different state and my girlfriend got us a dog. Right? Classic female move! You know? It’s just a 10 to 15 years commitment! Why would you include me in that decision? So, we’re Skyping, I’m, “well, let me see the dog.” I thought she got a cute little Chihuahua or something. She pans around and i’m looking at like this “hell hound”! Yeah! I’m like freaking out like it is that a pitbull? Please tell me you didn’t get a pitbull! It’s not a pitbull! It’s a…They said it was a mix! Mixed with what? Another pitbull? Look at that thing! It was brutal! You should have seen it! It looked like it’d been doing pull-ups it’s entire life. Front paws were still taped up and shadow boxing. Teardrop tattoo! It’s a Pitbull! Here’s the funny thing. Actually, I fell in love with the dog. I know a lot of people don’t like pitbulls ’cause they ate a couple of guys… I get it! There’s been some issues, but you owe it to yourself at some point in your life to walk down the street with a pitbull. I’m telling you, people just get outta the way It’s awesome! 3 or 4 blocks away, they see me coming, they just start crossing the street I love it my whole life I’ve looked like Ron Howard (a famous red head-not strong) Okay? I’ve been mugged, repeatedly! but the second they see that four-legged P90x body coming down the street everybody scatters. The greatest dog you could ever have is a pit bull. It’s like having a gun you can pet! It’s tremendous! I’m out of time! You guys were a lot of fun! Thank you very much!"
1686242942-409,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: What’s in a Name (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-whats-in-a-name-transcript/,"What’s in a Name? is a 40-minute talk Chappelle delivered at Duke Ellington School of the Arts in Washington, D.C., on June 20, 2022 * * * Art is dangerous.
 It is one of the attractions: when it ceases to be dangerous you don’t want it. Duke Ellington Amid the controversy of Dave Chappelle’s Netflix release “The Closer,” Duke Ellington School of the Arts resolved to name its newly renovated theatre “Dave Chappelle Theatre.”
 The following is Dave’s acceptance speech for that honor… [Dave Chappelle] This… is… surreal. [cheering and applause] In 1987… 1987, I moved back… from Ohio to D.C. And– and– and enrolled in Eastern High School, and did… [audience member] Whoo! You must not have went there when I went there, champ. Those were tough times is the way I remember it. [chuckles] [groans] When I had gone, I– I had lived with my father for three years. I went to middle school in Ohio, and when I’d gotten back to Washington, the crack epidemic was in full swing, and the city was largely unrecognizable to me. Now I was an older kid, and– and– and kids my age were doing a lot of wild things that I– I didn’t know that kids would do. I– I’d never seen a kid with a pager before, I didn’t know anything about selling drugs, any of that shit. All I knew, every day when I went to Eastern, I didn’t feel safe. [groans] I’m a quiet guy, naturally. I’m a shy person, naturally. And I used to get my hair cut on a barbershop on 15th Street Northeast. And I would go there, and, uh… and everyone in the barbershop would just snap on each other. And I’d sit in the corner, and I– and I’d watch everybody, and just listen to all these jokes. The guys were funny as shit, but– but one day, after a few weeks of goin’ there and gettin’ my hair cut, they– they– they turned the jokes on me. I call that day The Barbershop Massacre. I lit everybody in that barbershop up, I had been sittin’ in there listening to ’em for weeks talk about each other, I knew every inside joke about each and every one of ’em, and they couldn’t believe I knew this stuff. I lit their asses up. From then on in the neighborhood, people kind of liked me, like, “Okay… he’s pretty funny.” Time magazine released an article about Bill Cosby. The headline said, “Fifty, Funny, and Filthy Rich,” and I read that article and it was when I was looking at his face, before all that disgrace, that I looked and I said, “I could do that.” I told my father and my father said, “Well, then just do it.” I said, “Well, I wouldn’t even know where to start,” and he said, “Well, look in the phone book.” It’s before the internet, if you’re young. We used to have a book with phone numbers in it. My father found for me the local comedy club in Washington, D.C. I called ’em… I found out when Open Mic night was, and I started to go there on Tuesday nights… and just watch. And then one night I went on a weekend. I would– I would get my money together and I would go to this comedy club and I would just watch these comedians, and sometimes… sometimes they would talk to me. And I told one of the comedians after the show one night, I said, “Man, I really wanna try to do this.” And– and he said, “Well…” He said… He said, “If you wanna be a good comedian, you should know how to act.” I said, “Why?” And he says, you know… He didn’t explain it. I said, “Okay,” and I told my parents, and– and this is how I came to find out about Duke Ellington. My mother, she said, “There’s a place you can go where you can learn to act right in Washington. It’s a– It’s a high school.” I said, “You mean I would… get out of Eastern?” The school year was already in full swing and Ellington has a policy that they don’t let people just come in the middle of the year, but Lynda Gravatt was the head of the theater department at the time. Very graciously took a meeting with me and my mother, and… I get emotional thinking about it. Anybody that went here? [crowd cheers] Remember what it was first like? [audience members] Yes! Yes! When you first walked through the door? It was in the afternoon, and everyone was in their arts classes, and the girls had tutus on, and everyone was weird, and walking around the hallway, like, you weren’t sure where anyone was supposed to be, and you could hear people practicing their horns and shit all through the hallways. There was art bouncing off the walls, the minute I walked through the door, there was a gallery of– of all these children’s work and these pictures were amazing. My first thought… when I walked through that door: “I’m not good enough to be here. I’m sure.” And Miss Gravatt sat me down, she told me about the school, and you remember Miss Gravatt? She was very businesslike. But also very warm. She was intimidating, but palpably kind. She was a paradox of a human being. She gave me a date for an audition. My mother said, “Okay, Dave, it’s on you.” Now… Those of you who know me… know that I didn’t prepare for that audition. That audition was like a– a possession, it was just something that I was proud to have. But as the days got closer, I’m like, “Oh, my God, I gotta get– I gotta get something together.” I didn’t even know how to do an audition, And I had never done it before, so I went and I said– I said, “What do I need?” They said, “A monologue,” I… So I looked up “monologue.” And I went to the library, the MLK Library, this huge library, so I gotta find something, and I found a piece in one of those yellow script books, it was a monologue by Mark Twain called “The Judge’s Spirited Woman.” And I learned it in a night. You know, it was not hard for me to memorize things. The next day, it was a Saturday, I think, and I came to the school, and they auditioned in what used to be this room– the original… theater, Duke Ellington School of the Arts. And all the department heads sat in here, and the light’s in your eyes, and there’s a bunch of kids who already go to the school, who come on Saturday, just to see… who might be coming. And I talked to all these kids before I went in, and these kids were nothing like the kids at Eastern. They were like them, but they were different, they were weird, funny, and self-deprecating, things like this. And I remember I came out on stage… and I did my audition, and it was like… like, terrible. I– I froze up in the beginning, I started, and then I said, “Wait a minute, I’m messing up, I’m gonna start again.” [sighs] And I was nervous, and I was scared, and… and… in the middle of the audition, I’m in the middle of the monologue, uh, one of the teachers, Fred Lee, he said– Fred Lee, he goes, “Okay, that’s enough.” I said, “Well, there’s still a little more,” he goes, “No, no, no, no, no… That is enough,” he said.     And I– I can’t tell you, like, I– I was crushed. Uh… without saying his disapproval, I knew it stunk. And I was right. When I walked in here, I knew I wasn’t good enough to go to this school. And I thought to myself, “Ah, fuck this school, that’s stupid anyway.” In first-year theater, there’s a question that they ask students from time to time. And it’s a make-or-break question, and… And we ask this question, you don’t know. And the question is this: They say, “Why do you wanna act?” Now… if you say anything like, “I wanna be a star,” you’re not… You’re not gonna get in. I didn’t know that. And I figured I already blew the audition, so I told them the truth. He said, “Why do you wanna act?” “I don’t.” That’s what I said. And they said, “Well then, why are you here?” I said, “Because I wanna be a comedian and some comedian told me that if I wanna be a good comedian, I need to learn how to act.” And the teachers look at each other and go, “Thank you very much,” and I left. And I was walking down the hallway kicking rocks. It was a kid that already went here, his name was Ako Handy. And Ako said, “Hey, man, I listened to them talking about you.” I said, “You did?” He said, “You’re in.” I said, “What?” He said, “You’re in.” But it didn’t make any sense. Somehow we worked it out so that they gave me an early enrollment, and I left Eastern within weeks of that, and I came to Duke Ellington and it was better than I could have ever imagined. I didn’t have the suspicion that most new kids get. I was an oddity, a new toy, I was quirky, I wasn’t a snappy dresser, I didn’t really know what the fuck was going on, because the crack epidemic itself was new to me and they were all refugees from their neighborhood schools. In the morning, we would have our academic classes, and then in the afternoon, we would have our arts classes. It was a long school day. We’d start at 8:30, we wouldn’t leave here ’til five, sometimes 5:30. Whenever they saw fit. It’s funny walking in here tonight, ’cause I saw the Pride flags up, and I remember when I came here all those years ago, it’s the first time I ever met a kid who was just, like, gay. It was never strange to us. Their sexuality or their gender identity was the least remarkable thing about a person that could dance as well as Roger Bellamy, or… There was no distinction between any of that. Everybody was weird in their own way. And in a very strange way, because we spent so much time with one another. We helped raise… one another. There’s a camaraderie between these students that I don’t know that I’ve seen since I left this school. I can remember, and I won’t say names, there was a student that went here that used to sell drugs. It wasn’t just a student, but this particular guy… This particular guy did the cardinal no-no on the streets. He did what they call “not making your roll,” which meant he got some drugs on consignment and he didn’t pay whoever gave him the drugs back. And whoever gave him those drugs had declared, “I’m gonna come to that school, and I’m gonna kill you,” he said. And my man was scared, and word got around, around school, that the goons was coming. And by the time the goons showed up, every dude that went to this school: gay, straight, whatever the fuck, was all standing out front, they say, “You’ll have to kill all of us.” And who was in front of all of ’em? Roger Bellamy with some leg warmers on like this. I started making friends that are still my friends to this very day. Life-long friends. As I get older, I appreciate my teachers more and more. But to tell you the truth, I appreciated them then. Teacher salaries, you know, not necessarily what it should be. And when I think about that, juxtaposed to the dedication that the teachers, the time they would spend with me, the way they would notice, “Are you okay? Is everything all right? You look sad today.” Any little thing, like a family member would. And they fostered an environment of almost absolute trust, like your parents. There’s two lectures that I got at school that changed the way I do comedy. That like… turned the light switch on. It was two teachers: Donal Leace. Donal Leace, may he rest in peace. Maybe one of the single best educators that I’ve ever met in my life. He had a demeanor about himself that demanded excellence from his students. He would tell us incredible stories that I didn’t believe. He claimed… in one class, the song “Killing Him Softly” was about him. I was like, “Nah, n*gga, not you.” He told me he knew Donny Hathaway and Roberta Flack and all these people. These D.C. legends. He’s a humble man, but he really demanded excellence. And he gave us a lecture once on a concept called polarization. Polarization meaning the– the idea that if you can make everybody look at the same thing at the same time, that their rational mind will decrease, and their emotional response will increase. He said, “That’s how audiences work, that’s how mobs work, that’s how you make a person lose themself in the crowd.” I got it. As he was saying this, he would hold a stapler in his hand, it was a good lecture. He said, “Everyone focus on the stapler,” and he would explain to us what polarization is as we’re all looking at this stapler, and then he’d scream, “Hah!” And everyone would jump, “Oh!” He said, “What’re you scared of?” “Oh, shit, that works.” And ever since he did that lecture, I listened in his class intently. He was one of the only guys that I would always get straight As from because I worked very hard, not to get his approval, but to avoid his disapproval. When we were coming up, they had a thing called juries. I don’t know, do they still do juries? Juries is when all the department heads give you a piece to work on, and they sit there, and they make you perform the piece, and the criticism is brutal. And we were kids. We didn’t understand that they were preparing us for a hard world ahead if you wanted a profession in art. They would tear us to shreds. Just the stress… The stress of a jury. And man, I never practiced. ‘Cause I didn’t wanna act. At an improv class, a teacher named Geraldine Gillstrap told me that she should– I should stop doing funny pieces. That I should try to stretch myself artistically. And maybe had more in me than comedy. And at the time, I took offense to that. So because she said that, after school that very night, I went to the comedy club, and for the first time I signed the list, and I waited, and I got on, and I killed it. Killed it. Must have been 35 years ago, night after night, I killed it. I’d show up with the bag of tricks that I learned at school, and I would dominate adults on a regular basis. Couldn’t wait to get out of D.C. When I was 17, I moved to New York and lit that comedy scene up. I was obviously talented. You’ll hear stories about people saying that I discovered Dave Chappelle. That’s like saying you discovered sunshine. I was shining on everybody. And when I got in that professional world, I was oddly prepared. I had a sense of professionalism, I showed up on time, I did the things that I learned in school to do. Just the basics. My… career didn’t have any direction ’cause I was still so young. And that didn’t change for many years. It didn’t change until, uh… my girlfriend at the time, now my wife, told me she was pregnant, and I was like, “You know what? I should really start taking this seriously.” And when she told me that, before the baby was born, I’d done my first HBO special, and then– and then I went to work on a sketch comedy show idea I had, and– and– and The Chappelle Show came out when my son was still maybe 18 months-year old. And I bet on myself. I took less money. I took less money, I remember that, so I could do what I wanted to do. I said, “You don’t have to pay me that much, but you can’t ever tell me… You can’t ever tell me that I can’t do what I wanna do.” And I did the first season, I’ll tell you, for $300,000. Which sounds like a lot of money, but– but– but– but– but… It was a rare experience in my life, because it was the first time that I did something that was so successful that I knew I had exceeded the expectations. I was more successful than I felt like I was supposed to be. They didn’t plan on that. The second season… came out, and it was a juggernaut, and– and– and… and then, I remember this was the single best day of my career, the Rick James episode of Chappelle Show had come out… People were going crazy about the Rick James episode at the same time the– the DVD for Season 1 of Chappelle Show dropped. It was the first time any television show had ever been sold off air. And it sold a million copies in the first day. It was unheard of. To this day, nothing has sold more than Chappelle Show. It’s still on the Top Ten in Netflix. All those great things happened, and my contract was up. Clearly… Clearly, I was about to be rich. I’ll spare you all the details of why it didn’t work out. But it didn’t work out. And I ended up doing something that no one had ever seen before, including myself. Maybe Prince is the only other guy that I’ve seen do this, where you just quit something that was popular when you’re at the very top of it. Lucky for me, when I quit, I went to Africa, so there was a media storm that I didn’t hear. By the time I got back, everyone was just lookin’ at me crazy. That was a very difficult decision to make. The entire world told me I was crazy, but I– I was sure… I was sure I was being true to myself and to something that I learned at Ellington. I’m one of those comedians that thought of himself as an artist. I was enamored by what the genre could do. It was like… the pictures that I could paint with words, and the way I could engage with audiences. I understood as it was happening, I was very lucky to be able to do this. And I protected that. And I knew that if I took the money, they would expect me to behave differently, and I wasn’t willing to accept that, so I quit. And when I quit, it was a very difficult time in my life, that I’ll spare you the details, but man, fuck show business. It was tough.     And then one day I was in Panama City, Panama, and I was in a hotel, and I looked at the lobby, there was a– a painting of Abraham Lincoln. Was– And then– I would look closer, it wasn’t a painting, it was all pennies, just pennies on a black canvas, arranged into the face of Abraham Lincoln. And I asked the guy, I said, “How much is that painting worth?” He said, “$600,000, sir.” And I looked at the pennies that made up the painting, and I was like, “That’s like, $300 worth of pennies.” Lightbulb went in my head. I realized the value of art. Some of the biggest wars and crimes and scams in history were financed through the theft of art. Art is a powerful commodity. An artist, if you’re good at it, should never behave as a commodity. It’s a tough one. And then I gave up. ‘Cause it– I said, “Oh– you know, this is probably it.” I accepted the fact that the career I thought I was gonna have was over, but, I started to rediscover just my art for its own sake. I would go to comedy clubs and I’d work for way less money than I ever had, and I enjoyed it more than any of the work I ever did. It was probably the best work I’ll ever do. ‘Cause it was so honest. It was so sincere. There was no media, there was no studio, there was no scrutiny, just me and the crowds. And I did it night after night, and slowly but surely the crowds got bigger and bigger, and then suddenly people started to notice. In post, I would say, “Dave Chappelle has the tour of the year.” And again, and then the year after that, and then the year after that. And then, Lorne Michaels asked me to do Saturday Night Live. And it wasn’t just like he asked me, he was courtin’ me, I didn’t even know it, he gave me this whole long speech, and I was like, “All right.” And then I read some book about Lorne Michaels starting Saturday Night Live, and I read the speech that he gave Richard Pryor when he wanted him to host the show, and I said, “Holy shit, that’s the same shit he said to me!” And I did it. And that was an enormous amount of pressure, it had been 12 years since I’d been on television, or since I’d even talked to the media, and I remember I signed my Netflix contract on my way to my mark for the monologue. If you do live television, they count down every second, “30 seconds…” “Are you sure this contract is good?” “It’s good, just sign the papers…” “22 seconds…” “Aw, nigga, you better not be trickin’ me.” Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one, I walked out on that stage, and I killed it. It was natural. It was nothing. It was easy work. Got an Emmy for that one, too. First Emmy I won. And when I walked on the stage after being in the cold for so long, for the first time when I walked on the stage, I’m like, “Damn, n*gga, I just made 60 million dollars.” That’s what I thought to myself. It’s been great ever since. And really I could do these specials like Steph Curry, I be shooting from inside, outside, all night. It’s been great ever since. A lot of my friends are athletes, and I never could understand what it would feel like to only have a limited amount of time to be great. You got 20 years to be the best, or 30 years to be the best, but when you do art, you could be great whenever the will decides that you’re great. And I feel very lucky for that. And I never forgot this school. I’ve always come back, checked in. One of my favorite honors was doing the commencement at Ellington. Listen, I can’t even remember what year it is. I just remember they cheered for me when I came out, I wasn’t a big star, but I was their star, and I felt like I was home. After I did Lorne Michaels, I mean, after I did Saturday Night Live, Lorne Michaels said something that I gotta share with you. He goes, “You went to Peggy Cafritz’s school, didn’t you?” That’s what he said. I said, “I did,” and he said… he said– I wanted to say this on Saturday Night Live. He goes, “Tell her I owe her money.” You know, I never asked to have this theater named after me. Peggy asked me. She was ailing, and I went to her house to visit her. And she said, “I want you to put your name on the school,” she said, “It would help us raise money for the school,” and to me, it was like, I felt like I’m a little young for that, and I’m still kind of using the name, you know what I mean? Let’s see what I do with it first! You never know… Like, imagine if O.J. had named his son O.J. Junior. “Oh, Dad!” And around then, I was receiving the Mark Twain Prize. Huge honor… And… [audience applauds] And the next day, all the artists that came to honor me, the Bradley Coopers and Chris Tuckers, and all these great people who came to Ellington and they taught master classes for the students. And Peggy Cooper Cafritz, as sick as she was, got out of her bed, so she could be with her babies. She never left us. So I did it. So, you know, whatever you wanna do, if I can help, I’ll do it. Now I have to tell you: if you quit a show like Chappelle Show, I don’t know if you know what happens to you professionally, but I’ll tell you what doesn’t happen. They don’t just say, “Well, good luck in your future endeavors.” With that media, they beat me up. With their power, they tried to make me behave, it’s– -it– it takes a strong person to stand out in the cold like that, and I swear to God, so much of the strength I got to do that, the inner warmth I got to do that, I learned in this school, and from my friends who helped raise me. So why wouldn’t… I’d do anything I could to help my benefactor. And the last time I came back, after The Closer, when the kids were mad at me, I got to tell you, that was quite the day. All the kids was screaming and yelling, I remember, I said to the kids, I go, “Well, okay, well what do you guys think I did wrong?” And a line formed. These kids said everything about gender, and this and that and the other, but they didn’t say anything about art. And this is my biggest gripe with this whole controversy with The Closer: that you cannot report on an artist’s work, and remove artistic nuance from his words. It would be like if you were reading a newspaper and they say, “Man Shot in the Face by a Six-Foot Rabbit Expected to Survive,” you’d be like “Oh, my God,” and they never tell you it’s a Bugs Bunny cartoon. I took a lot of cold shots… in show business. And I gotta tell you, as the years go on, you feel the shots less and less. “Ah, it’s just the business,” is what you say. But that one, that day, boy, that day they hurt me. When I heard those talking points coming out of these children’s faces, that really, sincerely, hurt me. Because I know those kids didn’t come up with those words, I’ve heard those words before. The more you say I can’t say something, the more urgent it is for me to say it. And it has nothing to do with what you’re saying I can’t say. It has everything to do with my right, my freedom… of artistic expression. That is valuable to me. That is not severed from me. It’s worth protecting for me, and it’s worth protecting for everyone else who endeavors in our noble, noble professions. And these kids… And these kids didn’t understand that they were instruments… instruments of oppression. And I didn’t get mad at them. They’re kids. They’re freshmen. They’re not ready yet. They don’t know. What made me mad… and I am this petty… I ain’t sayin’ names. One of the kid’s mother went on Fox News, and she used to be a student here, I remember her face but I don’t know if she was particularly popular. Anyway. She was in the Literary Media Arts department. She said a lot of things that I didn’t like, lot of things. But, you know, that’s her right. The thing she said that got to me, she said, “At Duke Ellington, that theater was a sanctuary for students. I used to sit there and meditate.” Well, of course you’d meditate. You were a Literary Media Arts student. We didn’t meditate in here. We got to work. But, okay, fine. “I would sit in there and meditate,” she said. And then she scrunched her face up. She’s a beautiful woman, but her face looked hideous, the way she scrunched it up, and she said, “And just to imagine… his name… on that theater. How could you do that to those kids?” Listen. No matter what they said about The Closer, it was still the most-watched special in the world. And I am still of the mind, and I say this with all humility, it is a masterpiece, and I challenge all my p– my peers– to make its equal. They cannot. I am sure. It will be decades before you ever see someone in my genre as proficient as me. I am maybe a once-in-a-lifetime talent. I am telling you the truth. About three weeks ago I saw in the newspaper that a man, they said a man that was dressed in women’s clothing, threw a– a pie at the Mona Lisa and tried to deface it. And– and it made me laugh, ’cause I’m like, “It’s like The Closer.” I said it to the kids that day: if you have a better idea, then express it. And you can beat me. It’s that easy. If you have more talent than me, then display it and you can beat me with certainty. This is what our genre is about. The idea that my name will be turned into a– a– a instrument of someone else’s perceived oppression is untenable to me. The fact that if my name was on this theater, and a kid that walked through that door would feel anything other than pride in his school and in their endeavors, that’s untenable to me. So on Friday, I decided… that I don’t want my name on the school. Hear me out. The Ellington family is my family. When this controversy came out, and students were angry, at the height of their anger, they said, “We still wanna name the theater after you.” They taught the kids about the nuance of art and activism. And to– I feel a great deal of success, and it came around. So it’s not that they did not wanna give this to me, they’re still my family. And, I’m not gonna say I don’t want it. I’m gonna say I’ll defer it. Rather than give this theater my name, I would like to give these students my message. To them. So it is with great honor, that I unveil the new name of this theater, the Jerrod Carmichael Theater. I’m just kidding, I’m just kiddin’… I’m just kiddin’. I’m totally joking. Uh, let me see if I can get this here. This theater should be called… The Theater for Artistic Freedom and Expression. I want that for myself, and I want it for every student that’s educated at this school. And when and if you are ever ready, you can put my name right on top of that.     I love you, Duke Ellington, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to bring off his new album Leace Renewed, the first single “Flow to You,” give it up for the best-hitter history teacher in the world, Mr. Leace. [laughter from class] [Mr. Leace and students singing] [students begin clapping] Come on! Here we go. [all clapping] That’s the show! I’ll see you next year! [whispering] Bitches. [all laugh] [announcer] This is protected by the red, the black, and the green at the crossroad with a key! * * * The Judge’s “Spirited Woman” by Mark Twain “I was sitting here,” said the judge, “in this old pulpit, holding court, and we were trying a big, wicked-looking Spanish desperado for killing the husband of a bright, pretty Mexican woman. It was a lazy summer day, and an awfully long one, and the witnesses were tedious. None of us took any interest in the trial except that nervous, uneasy devil of a Mexican woman because you know how they love and how they hate, and this one had loved her husband with all her might, and now she had boiled it all down into hate, and stood here spitting it at that Spaniard with her eyes; and I tell you she would stir me up, too, with a little of her summer lightning, occasionally. Well, I had my coat off and my heels up, lolling and sweating, and smoking one of those cabbage cigars the San Francisco people used to think were good enough for us in those times; and the lawyers they all had their coats off, and were smoking and whittling, and the witnesses the same, and so was the prisoner. Well, the fact is, there warn’t any interest in a murder trial then, because the fellow was always brought in ‘not guilty,’ the jury expecting him to do as much for them some time; and, although the evidence was straight and square against this Spaniard, we knew we could not convict him without seeming to be rather high-handed and sort of reflecting on every gentleman in the community; for there warn’t any carriages and liveries then, and so the only ‘style’ there was, was to keep your private graveyard. But that woman seemed to have her heart set on hanging that Spaniard; and you’d ought to have seen how she would glare on him a minute, and then look up at me in her pleading way, and then turn and for the next five minutes search the jury’s faces, and by and by drop her face in her hands for just a little while as if she was most ready to give up; but out she’d come again directly, and be as live and anxious as ever. But when the jury announced the verdict–Not Guilty–and I told the prisoner he was acquitted and free to go, that woman rose up till she appeared to be as tall and grand as a seventy-four-gun ship, and says she: “‘Judge, do I understand you to say that this man is not guilty that murdered my husband without any cause before my own eyes and my little children’s, and that all has been done to him that ever justice and the law can do?’ “‘The same,’ says I. “And then what do you reckon she did? Why, she turned on that smirking Spanish fool like a wildcat, and out with a ‘navy’ and shot him dead in open court!” “That was spirited, I am willing to admit.” “Wasn’t it, though?” said the judge admiringly. “I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I adjourned court right on the spot, and we put on our coats and went out and took up a collection for her and her cubs, and sent them over the mountains to their friends. Ah, she was a spirited wench!”"
1686242497-303,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Amanda Seales: I Be Knowin’ (2019) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/amanda-seales-i-be-knowin-transcript/,"Now, y’all keep asking me, “Amanda, who is this special for?” And I keep telling y’all, “It’s for my sisters!” But it’s comedy, so it’s really for everybody. Okay, maybe not for everybody. Everybody except for racists, rapists, sexists, misogynists, narcissists. You know, folks that are callin’ the cops on black folks just livin’ our lives. Yeah, it ain’t for you. It ain’t for fuck boys, or trife gals, or that one ex, who still ain’t paid you that money back he owes you. Uh-huh. No laughs for them. It ain’t for Trump voters, or coons, or… people who don’t believe that white men can be terrorists. It ain’t for homophobes, or transphobes, or xenophobes. You know that wall is some bullshit. Hmm. It ain’t for bullies, it ain’t for poachers, it ain’t for abusers. It ain’t for people who keep asking me, “Amanda, can I pick your brain?” No! It ain’t for dudes who want head but don’t wanna eat no pussy! It ain’t for you! It also is not for people who don’t take care of their kids. It ain’t for people who take their shoes and socks off on planes. Who raised you? It ain’t for fronters. It ain’t for fakers. It ain’t for the phonies. It ain’t for haters. Nah, I’m frontin’! It is for the haters. ‘Cause, you know, y’all be tryin’ to stop me from gettin’ my shine. But guess what? I can’t stop. Won’t stop. You know why? ‘Cause… Give it up for phat girl, a young girl… Amanda Seales! I be… -Knowin’. New York! We did it. We here. My people. Ah! The real ones. The truth-tellers. The responsible hoes. I see you, boos. I always say, we “responsible hoes” ’cause we got levels. We know our credit score. All right. We get annual pap smears. Keep it tight. But when we hear… We know the proper protocol! Women got levels. Anyone who identifies as a woman understands, it’s a journey. Right? Being a woman is a journey. Lots of twists and turns. We dealin’ with things that people don’t even… know that we’re dealing with. Titties. Okay? It don’t matter what size your titties is. At the end of the day, when you take your bra off, they audibly sigh. You goin’ back to the motherland in your living room. Okay? There’s a crowd outside chanting, “Free the titties! Free the titties!” There’s a reporter in your room, interviewing your nipples, like, “How does it feel to be free from that padded cell?” “My God, it feels so good to feel the wind in my hair.” “There’s hair on nipples?” “Yes.” Then we have these periods. Right? I thought by now, I’d be used to it. I really did. But still it be like, ta-da! I’m like, where did you come from? And so I find myself, more often than I’d like to… in a public restroom, doing this. Wrapping toilet paper around a crotch. Because by 37, I’ve become a menstrual MacGyver. Then there’s the whole… There’s a whole thing about going out. Okay. Some of y’all barely made it here tonight. I be havin’ to cheer myself on. Like really, in the house, like, “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” Like, really. It’s real. You do all of that and you’re like, “Okay, okay.” You get dressed. I don’t know about y’all, but I be havin’ theoretical outfits. That only really live in theory. My hypothesis sometimes fails. ‘Cause then I put it on and I’m, like, “Oh.” “Look at that.” Hit and a miss. But you’re not gonna change. ‘Cause if I change, I’m going to sleep. If I take the clothes off, I’m going to sleep. Okay? It’s gonna be me and Lando. In the crib. So… you have to find another source of confidence to be like, “This works.” For me, that is the, uh, gay black man that lives within me. LaTravious-s-s-s… I consult with LaTravious in the mirror, because LaTravious is a gay black man, and gay black men have more confidence than anybody on the planet. They have to ’cause they’re dealing with oppression from multiple sides. They got racism over here. They got homophobia over here. That’s why the walk is so mean. ‘Cause they be like, “No, bitch. No, bitch. No bitch. No bitch. “Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Beyoncé.” “Wear that. That’s cute.” I’m like, “Okay, he fuck with it.” I’m ready to go. So, then you head out. Right? You hit that threshold and you’re like, skrrt. ‘Cause you realize… you did not paint your toenails. And you have an inner conflict because one part of you is like, “I am not hampered by society’s limitations of femininity. “I am my personality, not my appearance. For colored girls who considered suicide when the rainbow is enough.” The other part of you is like, “Mmm…” “These shits look pre-historic.” So you’ve got to come to a compromise within yourself. And that compromise is to just paint the two that are showing. He got to earn that pinky toe! He got to earn that pinky toe! We’re dealing with real things. Women are still dealing with cat-calling. Why? Has it ever been proven effective? No! I was on a show on CNN… where I had to discuss cat-calling with the whitest white man of whitery. You know, like the kind of white man that wears two polos at the same damn time. One, a-two. So… He comes on the screen and he’s like, “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” Okay. Uh-uh. The minute I hear a straight white man say, “I think we can all agree,” I know, we do not agree. We don’t. So, this man is on TV, and he has the caucasity… …to say, “Eh, I think we can all agree that all women love getting compliments from men in the street.” Whom? When I hear such foolery, it makes me… first, just, go to the root. And I say, “Okay. This is somebody who doesn’t know what a compliment is.” And, you know, black women… …we are the masters at compliments. We… We have taken compliments down to a precise science of conciseness, where we don’t even say a full sentence. We just say at you… what we’re looking at on you. “Okay, polka-dots!” When it’s that easy, you gotta hand ’em out all the time. ‘Cause you gotta remember, it doesn’t diminish you any to pick another sister up. Compliments. How could he not know? For clarification… If I’m in Brooklyn… at midnight… and a Jamaican man… …appears from the shadows. Sweetness-s-s-s… “You look like a vanilla ice cream. “Me wan’ lick you.” “Ookoo, ookoo.” -That’s not a compliment. -That’s a threat. If I’m in Harlem… and some brothers pause their dice game– it’s the polite thing to do– and they’re like, “Yaw!” “Shorty rock and rough and stuff with one Afro puff.” “And the jacket and the pants with the dada-dada-dada-dada on it.” “I see you, maaa!” “What’s really good.” Yeah, it’s not a compliment. It’s an observation. Then they want you to smile. “Why you mad?” “Let me see them pearly whites.” “Yo, why you ain’t smiling, man?” You know why I’m not smiling? ‘Cause I just spent the last 20 minutes in a public bathroom fashioning a makeshift maxi pad… …out of a long-ass CVS receipt. Just so I don’t got to walk around here, looking like a dire wolf bit me in the pussy. “You still trying to holla, n i g g a? What’s up?” They even wanted Harriet Tubman to smile, y’all. Remember when they were talking about putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill? There was a room full of white men who got together and said… “Ah-ah-ah-ah! “I think we can all agree… Harriet Tubman just doesn’t look happy.” You don’t say! Well, gee willikers! I just can’t think about why Harriet Tubman… doesn’t look chipper! Also, for the record, in our minuscule teachings of black history in public school, it’s not like Harriet Tubman was ever considered a jokester. Like, she was resourceful, you know. She was dedicated. She was revolutionary. She was heroic. “Frederic Douglas, the orator! “Martin Luther King, the leader! “Harriet Tubman. She had them jokes!” Never, not once. But Harriet Tubman brought so many folks to freedom. And you know that in her numerous travels, bringing folks across that Mason-Dixon line, she came across a number of different personalities. And I know at least one of ’em was a complainer. And there’s a very good chance that it was a man. Just picture it. It’s the dark of night. You can hear the dogs from the lynch mob. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff. Bitch-ass racists is running, “Get them n i g g e r s!” “They’re runnin’! Get ’em! Scat!” Harriet and… Willie. The odds are high. They runnin’. They runnin’, right? They runnin’ through the woods. You know, they runnin’ through the stream to try and lose the scent. Here come Willie. “Is we there yet?” “This sho’ is a long walk to freedom.’ “It’d be nice if you could lighten the mood a bit. Tell a little joke or somethin’.” Now Harriet, in an effort… not to shoot this n i g g a… …would go to her resources. Her handkerchief. Every picture you see, Harriet Tubman got this handkerchief on. I feel like it was magical. So in this situation, she would reach into that handkerchief. She’d pull out a joke. It’s on a scroll. “Okay, Willie. Why did the chicken cross the road?” Willie get hyped. “I don’t know, HT.” “Why?” “To get to freedom, n i g g a, that’s why! Now keep walking!” The joke stylings of Harriet Tubman. Yeah, they really didn’t teach us shit. Black history, we had to figure it out, most of us. We didn’t even learn about… the Negro national anthem. They kept that real hush-hush. I didn’t learn about the Negro national anthem until I was in 10th grade. Yeah. My mother is from Grenada. So she ain’t know about that shit. My father is from Roxbury, Boston. I don’t know about that n i g g a. He didn’t keep up his end of the parental cultural bargain. So, I just had to figure some shit out just by being around other black folks, okay? But what I did learn is that no matter what type of black person you are, and I always say, Every black experience is a black experience, unless it is anti-black. Regardless, we all sing the Negro national anthem “Lift Every Voice and Sing,” the same way. We start it like we are at our man’s mama house for the first time. Shall we? Someone starts to double-clap. Stop. There are white people in here right now that are like… “They’re having meetings.” There are people watching this right now, they just found out there’s a Negro national anthem… and that it is not a song from Hamilton. I love how… on this next part, it’s almost as if its creators, John and James Weldon Johnson was like, “Shh!” We gotta throw some stank on it.” ‘Cause it all of sudden turns up… Skrrt, skrrt! Y’all better sing! Y’all better sing. Now listen. The night Obama won… Don’t think about it too long, ’cause it’ll… You’ll get a… It’s like when you masturbate to an ex, you can’t… you gotta get in that memory and get out. You gotta get out that shit quick. Don’t put your bag down in that memory. No, no, no, no. You gotta… Play with your mind, right? Don’t do that shit. Just go, a-heh, heh, heh, heh. All right? The night Obama won, I was at an event. It was a very diverse event. Everybody there wanted to see him victorious, okay? So we were all cheering, excited when they announced he won. We all exalted. Everybody was watching the screen and they had a feed of all these different places that were celebrating his winning. And they landed at a church, and the church was singing “Lift Every Voice and Sing.” And so we all joined hands in kind, and started singing along, and that’s when I saw, the black people see the white people in this room who had thought, up until this very moment, that they was the most down-ass white people. Play ball! Got the whole nation in an uproar over the national anthem when we should be singing this shit, since it’s mostly Negroes on the field, anyway! Kaep would be like, “Whoa.” “Mission accomplished.” I learned about the Negro national anthem in the back seat of a purple Dodge Neon. My sophomore year of high school, sitting next to my… best friend. A white girl named Julia. And Julia was like… “I just feel like… “being friends with you all… I should know your anthem.” And I was like, “Yeah, bitch. We know your anthem.” That’s all black girls that grew up with white girls. I am you. You were the only black girl at the slumber party. You were going in the pool with a shower cap. Yes. “Keisha, teach us how to dance! Teach us how to dance!” Yeah. “You’re like black, but not like black-black. You know what I mean?” I grew up with all the white people. I really did. I grew up with all the white people. So, I feel like I have a handle… on the white folks. So much to say that you can really categorize them as two… sides: There’s white people, and people who happen to be white. Now, people who happen to be white know and understand that there ain’t no truth to whiteness. It’s not based on anything biological or anthropological. It was only created for the sole purpose of oppression. Okay. But… people who happen to be white also know that as fake as whiteness is in reality, its privilege is real. So, they know to use their privilege to give access to those who don’t have access to that privilege. People who happen to be white, I call them Hannahs. White people… believe the lie that whiteness makes them better. They actually think it makes them supreme. And if you believe that something that was created for the sole purpose of oppressing others makes you better, then you ain’t shit. We call them Beckys. That’s what it is. The thing about it, though, is that… whether you are a white woman or a woman who happens to be white, you have been… basically protected. Like, the entire world has been taught to protect white women and women who happen to be white, at the threat of death. And so, what has happened is similar to like when kids aren’t exposed to germs and so their immune system doesn’t develop. White women and women who happen to be white ain’t been exposed to criticism. So now they all fragile and they be cryin’ all the goddamned time. And now all of us gotta deal with that shit. Every day at work. Now because of this fragility, no one is telling white women and women who happen to be white about their problematic behaviors. Well… tonight’s the night. Now, see, black women, we know the shit that folks don’t like that we do. ‘Cause they tell us all the time. We know y’all think we angry. But we are not hostile. We just passionate. We’re aware. We just don’t care. We know that you don’t appreciate when we communicate with the movie screen. Elevating it to an interactive experience. We are aware… but we don’t care. We know that it perturbs you, deeply… that our hairstyles change approximately every 2.5 weeks. Right now, there is a woman benefiting from white privilege who is storming into a break room in a huff. “Did you see Renita? “Last week, she had an adorbs pixie cut. “And today… “she showed up with dreadlocks! “And I didn’t recognize her on the elevator. And now she thinks I’m a racist.” Renita is in her office. She is aware. But she don’t care! She ain’t got time to care. ‘Cause she’s composing an email, that she has now written four times, and had to delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. ‘Cause she was tellin’ the truth, but it’s gonna send her to HR. ‘Cause now she has to employ that whole other language that any black person who is attempting to excel in this country has had to learn. We all have had to learn duality, so that we can talk on the block and in the boardroom, just to protect y’all. ‘Cause y’all done turned passive-aggression into a synonym for professionalism! So, Renita got to go, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete, every time she write that first line. And we have all learned this skill, so much so, have you ever met n i g g a s in LA? Them n i g g a s talk like a white woman ordering at Starbucks. Legit, okay? They sound like Anthony Hopkins at McDonald’s. I mean, it is incredible. They have perfected their elocution. I believe because the LAPD has perfected its racism. So it’s a survival tactic. I was walking down the street one time, and I heard a brother behind me going, “Excuse me, excuse me.” I turn around, and see him going… I’m like, “What in the Oompa Loompa?” And then I realize, I’m in LA. He tryin’ to hit his gangsta pose. But I keep walking, so he keeps having to recalibrate. “Shit.” So I said, “Let me just let this n i g g a live, man.” So I’m like, “What’s up, playa? What’s up? What’s that?” And he said… “First and foremost… …you’re an incredible specimen of femininity.” I’ve never been hollered at… …in such a way. I was like, “Oh. Uh…” “Okay.” And then I passed him a copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. He was like, “Oh.” “Friends, Romans, country– “Buntry men. Lend me your motherfucking ears!” But back to Renita, and this email. She at the computer, y’all. She’s stressed. She wanna say… “Why you not readin’ my shit?” But she can’t say that. So you know what she has to say? Delete, delete, delete, delete. “Per my previous email…” But there’s a behavior that white women and women who happen to be white are doing. It’s an infraction that you’re committing on a regular basis that all of us in here would love for you to stop doing. It’s plaguing offices everywhere. Please. We beg of you. Stop cc’ing all these unnecessary people! On these goddamned emails! Stop! Stop! Why you sharin’ on this goddamned email? She ain’t got shit to do with what we’re doing over here! What you tryin’ to do, Becky? What you tryin’ to do? ‘Cause I got the receipts! I got the receipts! Ah! You ain’t think I had that shit. Well, n i g g a s got me fucked up. Ooh! Exactly. Shit. Heh. She ain’t know I stay ready. When you a black person in any office, you stay ready. ‘Cause you’re always wondering, “How black am I gon’ have to get?” And what that really means is, you’re going through a series of checkpoints on how you gon’ check somebody. On a scale of Stacey Dash to Nat Turner. I was on a flight once, and I was the only black person on the flight. No, I know. It was one of those things where, like, you don’t really notice it, like, you minding your own business. You like… “How black am I gon’ have to get?” ‘Cause you know something was gonna go down, you know? So I sit down in my seat. And this couple sits next to me. I can tell immediately that they’re not American white, because American white has a couple of washes. It’s a little dingy. And these people looked like they sprung forth from an Alp… singing “Frozen,” skied down onto the tarmac on a sleigh, and then boarded this flight. We all know that if you’re in the aisle, you can get up and sit down as many times as you want. You can go to the bathroom, come back, it’s fine. Whatever. That’s your aisle. If you’re in the middle seat, I mean, you played yourself. I don’t know what you was thinkin’. This is silly. You should have thought earlier, you should have booked faster. I mean, this is foolish. I can’t promise you armrests. I can’t. You need to sleep on the tray table. Yep. Compress. If you at the windows… you run the windows. Okay? If there are four windows here, I run these windows. These is my windows. Everybody know that. So we begin to taxi… and it happened. A hand… reached across my body… …to close the window. How black am I gon’ have to get? Now this is a good time in the show for me to share with you all… that I am trans. Trans-thug. I was born in this body, but within me, is Suge Knight. So when that hand reached across my body, without even thinking I was, like… Pass that shit back! No joke. She gon’ get all huffy. “Uh, eh, uh, uh, uh…” “I was just trying to close my window.” Whose window? Mm! So I was like, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.” I was really getting revved up. Really getting turnt, and… When I decided how black I was gonna get, I said, “You know what?” “You ain’t tryin’ to get on the no-fly list.” So, we’re gonna handle this… um, at Michelle Obama black. They go low… We go high. We go high. I decided to… dig into my masters in African-American studies from Columbia University… …that I am still paying for… …and handle this intellectually. So I said, “You know, ma’am, “I think this is just a cultural difference. “Here in America… “we are all about personal space. “And this… “is my personal space. And you invaded my personal space.” That’s when her little boo-thing, Prince Harry, gon’ chime in. “Ah-ah-ah-ah. I think we can all agree…” “You don’t have to tell her about personal space.” Ooh! Okay, Prince Patrick. Go ahead. Now, I couldn’t discern what language they were speaking, but it sounded something like this: “Zu-ba-da-ba-da-ba-a-ba-la… personal space.” “Za-ba-da-la-da-ba-a-ba-la… okay.” So, you don’t want me to explain personal space. But y’all don’t even have the words “personal space” in your language! But I’m a peaceful soul. So I say, “I’m gonna let them have this.” So we took off. Now, later on in the flight when we began our initial descent, I was asleep. But remember, I’m a thug. So I sleep with… That’s right. One eye open. So I hear Prince Richard… say, “Ah-ah-ah! Can you please close the window?” And I awaken… thinking he’s speaking to me. When I realized, no! He’s addressing a flight attendant. Betrayal. So I get turnt. Oh, my God. I’m like, “Oh! “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! “Oh, oh! That’s what we doing. That’s what we… okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.” Yeah, I was like, “How black am I gon’ get?” We about to be Suge Knight Turbo out here, all right? You know how like, when the Hulk turns green? I started turning into a red suit, okay? A cigar starting forming in his fingers, okay? I was like, “Oh, heeeell, no!” “Oh, heeeell, no! You wanna be with somebody where the people ain’t in all the videos.” Like, it was really… It was about to go down. But through my rage… I thought I saw an apparition. And I realized, no, no, no. This is real. I was wrong, y’all. I wasn’t the only black person on that plane. And this wasn’t just a black flight attendant. Y’all, this was a n i g g a-ttendant. He looked like just the day before, he was bouncin’ at a strip club. And he turned to some stripper and was like, “I just wanna see the world.” And she was like, “Go and get yo’ wings, baby.” And here he was. Tyrone. The odds are high. Flying the friendly skies. So Prince Matthew over here… gon’ ask again. “Excuse me.” “Can you close the window?” And… Tyrone and I… exchanged that look. That look that all black people do… when something so cauca-tious… …is taking place that we can’t even use words. We must communicate on a higher Vibranium level. And a peace came over me. ‘Cause in that look, I knew, I didn’t have to wonder how black I was gon’ have to get. Tyrone was black enough for both of us. When Prince William asked, one more again… “Excuse me. Can you please close the window?” Tyrone said… “Nah.” Tyrone, Tyrone. N i g g a s. I love n i g g a s. I do, I do. I love n i g g a s. People be like, “Amanda, you always givin’ n i g g a s a hard time. You a man-basher.” I’m like, “Nah. I’m just very particular about my vagenda.” Your vagenda is a woman’s list of who could get it. Okay? You got to be particular. Shit, I know I got to be particular, because fuckin’ with me is a privilege. Also, I’m older now. You understand? I’m grown. I’m a grown-up woman. When you grown, you don’t make mistakes. You make choices. That’s why I’m lookin’ at every dick like the side of a cereal box. I wanna know your nutritional value, n i g g a. Are you exceeding my daily recommended dose of fuck boy? ‘Cause it’s zero. Got to be particular about your vagenda. And for the record, as easy as it is to get on a vagenda, it’s just as easy to get struck from a vagenda. I had a n i g g a say to me, “Yeah, my goal one day, is to have a house with no mirrors.” What are we talking about? What are we, what are we… talking about? If your house ain’t got no mirrors, how are me and LaTravious gon’ communicate? And get my shit straight. Struck from the vagenda. Someone said, “Oh, my God.” I know. I had another… I had another dude tell me, very nonchalantly, “Yeah, Stevie Wonder’s just overrated.” Sir! I can’t fuck you now! “Ribbon in the Sky” was on the playlist! Eh. True story. I had a man say to me… “Yeah, I don’t fuck with birds.” Now… He had a good job. He had a degree. He owned a home. So, I said, “Let me give him the benefit of the doubt.” And I retorted… “Oh, you mean like, promiscuous women? Birds.” And he said, “Nah, like birds. They be flyin’ and shit. “I don’t fuck with birds.” What are we talking about now? Struck from the vagenda! So you got to be careful. You got to be careful with who’s on your vagenda. Because the dick can touch the “hort.” Now when a dick touch the hort, it means it has affected you, not just physically but emotionally. Okay? Now when you young, and the dick touch the hort, it ain’t really that deep. ‘Cause you was just happy you got a period that you know you don’t deserve. Reckless asses. Reckless. Again in a public restroom, like, “Yes, I’m still in the game, n i g g a s! “I’m still in the game, I’m still in the game! “Ah! “I’m still in the game! I’m still in the game!” Hallelu-hallelu! My God knows me. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. He knew I wasn’t ready. Thank you. One more semester to go. One more to go. That happened to me in real life one time. I was in a restroom, and I was like, “Yes!” And the woman in the stall next to me went, “Do your thang, girl.” Okay. You gotta be careful. ‘Cause when you’re older, and the dick touch the hort… that shit’ll rock you. Okay? You got to go meditate. You be like, “Damn. This n i g g a done shifted my chakras.” “Where are my crystals?” So you don’t want that to happen with the wrong person. Okay? Because when the dick touch the hort, you can get a nasty case of STS. Not STDs. STS. Some call it “dick-whipped.” Some call it “dick-matized.” I call it “sexually transmitted stupidity.” Mm-hmm. Yeeeees. Because when the dick touch the hort, it can infect your intellect. Have you just doing dumb shit. Like be at a n i g g a house, and look down, and there’s a mattress on the floor… surrounded by Jordans, like a moat, protecting you from yourself. Now you know you should take yo’ ass home. ‘Cause this ain’t no place for a queen. And if you’re over 30, this isn’t even practical, because your knees and your back can’t even… What you gon’ do when you gotta go to the bathroom in the middle of the night? You gotta stop, drop… …and roll. It don’t make no sense. It’s ergonomically not for you. It’s not for you. But that STS, that sexually transmitted stupidity will have you lookin’ at it like… Negotiating. Yeah. It’s worth it. And now your ass is on your stomach gettin’ hit from the back with your forehead four inches from the ground. Be careful. Bap, bap, bap. That ain’t a hickey. That’s a bruise. So, please… Please! Protect your vagenda. ‘Cause the dick can touch the hort. Now, men, you know you’re not exempt. Okay? You’re not exempt. Because… yes, the dick can touch the hort, but any woman who knows her worth… knows her power… The pussy can snatch the soul! Thank you! Stay blessed! Holla! What up! Y’all. Thank you so much. Some folks… Some folks thought this wasn’t gonna happen, but… Thank you all so much! Have a good night!"
1686242016-182,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,KAVIN JAY: EVERYBODY CALM DOWN! (2018) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/kavin-jay-everybody-calm-down-full-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Kavin Jay: Everybody Calm Down! Now, please put your hands together for the guy whose name is in the title, Kavin Jay! Singapore, how are you guys doing? Oh, yeah, it’s a lot… It took a lot of balls. It took a lot of balls for a Malaysian guy to shoot his special in Singapore. Oh, this is gonna be… You guys look beautiful. All right, uh… Singaporeans, make some noise! Malaysians, make some noise! I would like to thank the production company, because, uh, they put me up in a very nice hotel. All right. It’s so posh, that the towels are so fluffy, I couldn’t close my suitcase. I had to take out the shampoo and conditioner. All right, before I start, ladies and gentlemen, please, please give yourselves a round of applause. I love that phrase, right, “Give yourselves a round of applause.” It’s such a beautiful phrase, right? A lot of emcees use it, a lot of, uh, you know, comedians use it. But it’s one of those things where I find it to be very Asian. Right? Because y’all did all the work. You all bought the tickets. You all braved the jam. You all came here, you all found your seats. And now, you all are great audience. And now, give yourself the reward. That’s like my wife coming home and saying, “Oh, you did the dishes. Give yourself a blowjob.” Which I’ve tried, it’s very difficult. Which is also why I picked up yoga. Uh… You’ll never see Downward Facing Dog the same way again. Uh… Aw, ladies and gentlemen, look, I’m gonna, I’m gonna bring it out right in the front, right, I’m gonna… I’m gonna tell you all something that maybe you all may not have noticed. Uh, I am a bit overweight. You laughed a bit too hard there, my friend. I know, I know I’m big. I know I’m big. Like, you see, the thing is, I travel around the world doing comedy now, and it’s weird, though, because I went to Europe, and I found out I’m not that big. I went to America, I found out I am a medium. And I had to shop in Baby Gap. Right, but it’s one of those things, in Asia, I’m the Michelin Man. I am so fat that parents use me to discipline their children. Hey, I was walking down the street, a mother looked at me, looked at her child and said, “If you don’t behave, that man will eat you!” And that’s what I do, I eat children. Uh… They are delicious and gluten-free. I’m only joking. They are not gluten-free. Uh… Uh, but Malaysians, Malaysians, they have this honesty about them, right? They don’t care whether you’re fat, ugly or whatever. They tell you straight to your face. Right? Like… I don’t know if you know this, but for a few years, I did radio in Malaysia, right? As I was doing radio in Malaysia, a lot of people didn’t realize that I was the stand-up comedian Kavin Jay and the radio personality Kavin Jay. They thought it was two different person. One lady in a show made that connection. Like, for her, like, “Wow!” Right? After the show, she came up to me, she’s like, “Oh, you’re the Kavin Jay on radio, is it?” I’m like, “Yeah, I also do radio.” And she’s like, “Wow, you sound skinny on radio.” Fuck your mother! What do you want me to do? Why… How do you sound fat on radio? What, like constantly having a heart attack the whole time? I love chicken rice, salad, and burger. But let me tell you, let me tell you a story about how I came to this realization that maybe, maybe I should lead a healthier lifestyle. Right? This is what happened. This is a true story that happened to me a couple of months ago. Now, I had a show in Manila, right? And I had to fly to Manila, and I had to book the tickets myself, right? So, as a Malaysian, I always fly AirAsia, right? Because it’s cheap, right? But, this time, I decided, you know what, let’s make a difference. Let’s try to make better choices, right? Let’s, let’s do something different. Right, I decided to fly Cebu Pacific… because it was cheaper. I booked the tickets online. I was happy, I was going to Manila, you know, it’s gonna be a good trip. Right, I walked up to the counter to check in, right. And then the lady behind the counter looked at me, and she said something I was not expecting. I was expecting “Hello. How are you?” Maybe even a “Mabuhay,” right? The lady behind the counter looked at me and she said, “Sir, how much do you weigh?” Straight to my face. There were tears coming down of my eyes. Thank you for laughing at my impending diabetes. Well, I didn’t know what to do. The only thing that came out of my mouth at that time was the truth. Right, the truth came out. Right, I looked at her, and I said, uh, “I weigh 120 kilograms.” I see a lot of faces of disbelief. I understand. I completely understand this, because I know I’m deceptively slim. Okay? Because every time I try to buy a T-shirt in Malaysia, they look at me, the shop owner looks at me, and then goes, “For you, L. L. This one is a big size for you. Come on, don’t worry, L.” And then I walk out with a sports bra. I have a few sports bras now. Which is very nice. But also, like, it’s very difficult. I like wearing clothes, guys. I really like wearing clothes. But it’s so hard for me to buy clothes in Asia. Like, I… Look. When I was coming here, I like to wear funny T-shirts, as you can see. I like to wear funny T-shirts. I wanted to buy a T-shirt that I could wear for this special. Right. I was in Singapore yesterday, I saw a T-shirt that said, “Fat people are hard to kidnap.” I laughed, too, right? I wanted that T-shirt. Right, I wanted to buy the T-shirt. I walked up to the shop owner, I said, “Do you have this in double XL?” “Uh… Don’t have.” I said, “What’s the biggest size you have?” “S.” What a dickhead. Uh… All I’m saying, all I’m saying is, if you’re a size S, and you’re wearing a T-shirt that says, “Fat people are hard to kidnap,” I will stab you, all right? Back to our story, back to our story. I’m 120 kilograms, right. And then, this lady, she looked at me, and she said something even more unexpected, right. She looked at me and she said, “Sir, if you weigh above a certain amount, you must buy two seats… on the plane.” Right. Lowest point of my life. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t wanna argue. I didn’t wanna argue. Right, you know what, I bought two seats. I just bought two seats. Right, because I thought to myself, “Two meals.” I took the tickets and I very solemnly, very solemnly… very sadly walked to the plane… to find my seats. And that’s when I found out that the seats were not together! What the fuck, guys! One was at the front of the plane and one was at the back of the plane! What are you trying to do, balancing, is it? Unbelievable! I realized now, I realized now I’ve come to a point I’m so fat that when I drop things on the floor, I let it go. Right? The other day, I was walking around, five ringgit fell down, “Fuck it, I’ll make more money. It’s fine.” Right. Dropped my car keys, “Fuck it, I’ll take Uber!” Like Malaysia and Singapore, okay, I have to explain the history a bit, right, for some people. Like, do we have anyone here from outside of Malaysia and Singapore? Make some noise! Hey, where are you guys from? Australia. -Australia. All right, so, the thing is, you have to understand Malaysia and Singapore, we have a relationship, right? And we have some animosity. It’s like Australia and New Zealand, I guess. Yeah? It’s like India and Pakistan, right? It’s like America and the rest of the world. Right, there is some animosity. And here is the thing, I think the best example would be India and Pakistan, right? Because they were… They were one family. And then, they split up. Right? Like, India and Pakistan, they were cousins. Right, they lived, they grew up together. And then, one day, Pakistan left. And came back with an AK-47. “Calm down, Pakistan. What are you doing?” Like, you know, like Malaysia and Singapore, it’s the same thing. We were cousins, we were family, we grew up together, right? And then, Singapore left. And came back with a BMW. Right. It’s one of those things where Malaysians, we… Okay, let me tell you one thing, we’re a little bit jealous. Okay, we also want a BMW. Okay, but what we got… Proton. Right, so… Never mind, never mind. It’s okay, we like our Proton. We love our Proton. Right? But here’s the thing, though. I mean, I’m sure you guys are lovely, I’m sure you Singaporeans are lovely, right? But there are Singaporeans, who, you know, I don’t like. And those are the people who think that Singapore is better than Malaysia, right? Is there anyone who thinks like that here? Make some noise! Gosh! I still got people clapping like… Uh… No, but the thing is, some people do think that Singapore is better than Malaysia. I always hear this from my.. From these guys. Right, “Oh, Singaporean nasi lemak is better than Malaysian nasi lemak.” No! No! Of course not. Right? I tried your nasi lemak. I tried your nasi lemak, guys. I went to Punggol to try your Punggol nasi lemak, famous. Right. When I ordered my nasi lemak, they gave me so little sambal. Right. On the menu, it said “a hint of sambal.” What I saw was a rumor of sambal. Where the fuck is my sambal? Right? And I did what any Malaysian would do, I asked for more sambal. I went up to the counter, I asked for more sambal. You know what they said? I had to pay extra for sambal. Pay extra for sambal? What kind of Communist country is this? Fifty cents extra, that’s like Malaysian ringgit, 3,000 or something, right? Around about, around about, you know. It’s not accurate, but, you know, you get the point. Right? And then another one. Oh, oh… Singaporean bak kut teh is better than Malaysian bak kut teh. Is that true? No. Even the Muslims are answering at this point. Hey. Even the Muslims are like, “We don’t know what bak kut teh tastes like, but we believe!” Right? Because, look, your bak kut teh is white in color. It’s white in color. It’s so white, it’s trying to get a local wife. That is how white it is. Right. Oh, another one. Oh. Singaporean government is better than… Malaysian… Listen, guys, we can’t win every argument, all right? But at least we got nasi lemak! Yeah! We hold on to what we got. Right. Well, here’s the thing, I come down to Singapore to do a lot of shows. And a lot of my Malaysian friends would come around and say, did you know that they do the usual Singapore stereotype? “Hey, Singaporeans have no sense of humor, why do you comedy do there? Singaporeans have no sense of humor.” And I find this to be wrong. Singaporeans, you all have a sense of humor. Right? You all have a sense of humor. It’s just a little misplaced. Like, for instance, right, in Singapore, right, you all thought it was a good idea to have a restaurant called Hooters… in Singapore. Really? I mean, for those of you who are pretending not to know what Hooters is, because you are sitting next to your girlfriends or wives. Hooters is a place where they wear skimpy outfits to show off their assets, right? So that they get tips at the end of the night, right? To show off their assets in Singapore. What is the fucking point? Because when I went there, I had the biggest breasts. Not only did I win the Wet T-Shirt Contest, I got second and third. It’s free drinks all night, man. And another thing, another thing I realized about Singapore is that you have, you guys have trouble letting go. Three years ago, this was three years ago, guys. Three years ago, you all had a riot in Singapore. Little India riots. Right? Still fresh in everybody’s mind. Everybody’s like, “Yeah, correct.” Right? I opened the newspaper, “Singapore is ready for new riots.” Hello? Hello. Twenty-seven Indians overturned a car. You all call that a riot? How cute! In Malaysia, we call that Tuesday. And as I found out, in India, they call that a wedding. Oh, it’s… I make fun of you, guys, but I love coming to Singapore. I love coming to Singapore, right. Uh, the last time I came here, though, it was a little bit of a weird experience, because I lost my passport, right. I lost my passport in Singapore. And if you ever lost your passport in a foreign country, you will know what this feels like. If you haven’t, try not to do it, right, because it’s a hassle. You have to make a police report. Right. And I walked into a Singapore police station. I saw things… that I’ve never seen before in my life. All right. I walked in, and your policemen… were doing work. What kind of sorcery is this? How do you all pick your police? Can you tell us? Right. I walked up to one of the policemen. He looked at me and he said, “How can I help you?” The fucker spoke English! I gathered myself, I gathered myself, I looked at him, I said, “I lost my passport.” Right. The guy looked at me and said, “Sir, where are you from?” I said, “I’m from Malaysia.” He said, “Sir, can you prove it?” So I gave him 50 ringgit and left. You know, I’m glad you guys laughed, okay, but he put me in jail! Do we have any Americans in the audience? Make some noise! Uh, well, which part of America are you from? New York! -New York! Yeah! I don’t know where that is. And now you know how that feels, right? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make fun of you, but, uh, I did a show in the U.S. It’s a very small place. Uh, I don’t know if you have heard of it. It’s called the American Embassy in Jakarta. It’s a beautiful place. It is beautiful. Right, but here’s the thing. Right, here’s the thing. The American immigration officers that were there, uh, they were… a bit strict. Let’s put it this way. Uh, they looked at my passport, right. My name in my passport is Kavin Anak Lelaki Jayaram, which is a typical Malaysian name. Anak Lelaki is “son of,” and it’s abbreviated to A/L. So, what they read was, “Kavin Al Jayaram? I have not heard of that organization. Bob, get the lube! Code Brown.” Right, here’s… I’m not saying… I’m not saying… I know, I’m a brown man with a beard. I understand the stereotype. Right, I have a mirror at home, I know what I look like. All right, but here’s the thing, I grew my beard, because I wanted to look a bit hipster. I may have misjudged the length of beard, allowed for the color of my skin. Right? So, basically, everybody just thinks I’m a terrorist, right? And flying in airports is so difficult, right? Because of “Kavin Al Jayaram.” It’s… It’s hard, but all I’m saying is, look, I know what I look like. But use a bit of common sense. Okay, use a bit of common sense. Because have you ever seen a fat terrorist? Right? Think about this. Nobody is going, “Death to America. But first, McDonalds. Supersize.” No, no. Nobody is doing that, right? But I’m from Malaysia. I’m from Malaysia, right? And I know, for a fact, that in Malaysia, we will never have terrorists. We will never have terrorists in Malaysia. Right Think about this. If you’re a terrorist in the middle of Kuala Lumpur, carrying a backpack full of explosives, we have snatch thieves. You’re not gonna get very far. Right? I mean… It’s like, “Death to America! No 72 virgins for me, huh?” Uh… Seventy-two virgins, that’s the best thing about terrorism. Wait, hold on, that came out wrong. Uh… It’s funny though, like, look, they believe that if they martyred themselves, if they kill themselves in the name of terrorism, they get 72 virgins in the afterlife. Seventy-two virgins, right. Which is a great marketing plan. If you’re a guy. Right, what if you’re a female terrorist? Right, what then? Seventy That’s not a reward, you know. That’s a punishment, right? Seventy-two men who don’t know what the hell they’re doing. Seventy-two premature ejaculations. Seventy-two Singaporean men. Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? You know, look, I’m not gonna lie to you, we do have an accent. Malaysia, Singapore, it’s very similar. It’s very similar. We have Manglish, you have Singlish, right? It’s very similar, though. I mean, in a way that we put the “lah” at the end of every sentence just to fuck things up, right? And then, there’s also… There’s also the fact that… Malaysia and Singapore, I mean, in Malaysia, there’s a lot of people, who, you know, English is a second language. Like Singapore as well, some of you all, English is a second language, right? So it’s very difficult for us to grasp some grammatical things. Like, for instance, pluralization, right? It’s very difficult to understand when do you pluralize something and when you don’t. So, what we do, is we just pluralize everything. Right? That’s a good way to start, I guess. Like, you know, like, when you call a receptionist, “Hows may I helps you?” Right? That happens. And like, I was talking to a friend of mine, like, I was talking about his favorite anime, right. He looked at me and said, “Dragons Balls.” I’m like, “No, that’s hentai. What are you doing? It’s different. Don’t.” You know, it’s weird, though, but, uh… sometimes, just one word of a sentence, can screw things up tremendously. Right? Like, for instance, a few years ago, we had the Typhoon Haiyan that hit the Philippines, right? Now, I’m not making fun of it. I’m not making fun of it. Right, it’s a tragedy, people lost their homes, people lost their lives. Right? And as the ASEAN community, Singapore, Malaysia, we wanted to help out. Right? I wanted to help out. Giving donations of food and, you know, water and stuff like that. Right, so I walked up to this counter, collecting donations in Malaysia. And the lady behind the counter looked at me and said, “Sir… do you want to send ‘aids’… to Philippines?” I’m like, “What are we sending to Philippines?” “‘Aids. Aids’ to the Philippines.” I’m like, “Hold on, wait, hold on a minute, okay? Calm down. Wait, what… How are we sending ‘AIDS’ to the Philippines?” She’s like, “Don’t worry, sir, you just give me the ‘aids.’ I will personally send it for you.” Which I thought was a good delivery system. Until I found out the Americans beat us to it. Uh… Everybody, calm down! It’s just jokes, all right? Uh, but accents work both ways, though. Accents work both ways. Like, when I was 17 years old, uh, I went to England to study. Right, I lived there for five years. Now, do we have anyone from England? Make some noise! Good. Fuck them, right. Because, you see… You see, because I was going to… I was going to England, right. And I thought I was going to England where they spoke English. I thought I was prepared. Right, I did really well in the exams. I thought I was prepared. Right. My mother was an English teacher. I thought I was prepared, right. I even had friends who were English people, from England, uh, in Malaysia. And he taught me some phrases. Like, I learned from him, that if I say “I’m tired,” they would say, “I’m knackered.” Right? Difference. Right? Like, if, for instance, I say, “That’s a transvestite.” He would say, “That’s my girlfriend.” Subtle differences, right? I thought I was prepared, I knew everything. Now, I was going to, you know… And then, I took a flight from Malaysia, and I landed in Newcastle Airport. Now, if you don’t know what Newcastle is, Newcastle is like the Kelantan… of England. Where they spoke in a different accent, nobody understood them. Right, I remember I walked out, 17 years old, I walked out from the plane, and people were looking at me like, “Why aye, man?” I’m like, “Sí, señor.” “Did I take the wrong flight? What is going on? Have the Vikings not left? Where am I?” Right? I got over the accent, I got over the accent quite quick. Right, but there was one thing I didn’t get over. Which is the way the British people told time. Which was very different from the rest of the world. Because I’m used to the usual way that we have learned in school. Which was, if you asked someone the time, they would look at you and go, “It’s 8:30, 4:15.” Hour, minute, no bullshit. So easy, right? But as a 17-year-old boy, I remember asking someone the time, he looks at me, he says… “Quarter past four.” And I looked at him, I said, “Dickhead. Why are you making me do maths? I asked for the time, not a riddle, what are you doing? Why am I solving a quadratic equation right now? Why do I need a scientific calculator to tell the time? Why” Right? And then, I realized that sometimes they don’t even tell you the hour. They would just look at you and go, “It is half past.” Half past what? That’s like going to McDonalds and ordering a Big Mac, and they give you a bun. You figure out the rest. Hey, come on. Like, just tell me the time, what’s wrong with you Now, when British people ask me the time… Right. Because it took me three years, it took me three years, for… I was there for five years. For the first three years, I didn’t know what time it was. The whole time, I just kept looking at the sun. “Where the fuck is the sun?” How fucked up does a place have to be, that the sun refuses to show up? It took me three years. I read books, I did research. Right, at the end of three years, I became a maths genius. Right, I became a maths genius. Now, when British people ask me the time, I fuck with them. Now, when British people ask me the time, I go, “It is five past… quarter to… half past six.” And when they look at me all confused, I go, “Divided by eight!” Uh, ladies and gentlemen… uh, as I said, you know, traveling the world doing stand-up comedy, I realized one thing. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this. Uh, I am Malaysian, but I’m Indian by descent. Right, my parents are Indian from Malaysia. And my grandparents were from India, right. And, uh, you see, the thing is, Indians have moved around the world. Right? Everywhere, everywhere in every country, there are Indians. Like, I’ve been to Switzerland, there are Indian people there. Like, I’ve been to Fiji, there are Indian people there, right. And the thing is, everywhere in the world, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I work at 7-Eleven. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I fix your computer. Tiki, tiki.” Fuck you guys for laughing at that. But in Malaysia, it’s a little bit different. It’s a little bit different. Right, this is the stereotype of Indian people. “Tiki, tiki, tiki, I stab you. Tiki, tiki, tiki, I steal your computer.” Right? You know, but the thing is, that is the stereotype of Indian people in Malaysia, right. And I grew up in Malaysia as an Indian, right. And it’s hard, though. Because my dad… My dad has a very thick Indian accent, right. My dad… I didn’t quite understand him when I was younger because when… He used to give me advice, right. When I was younger, he would come up to me and say, “Son, if you’re looking for the right woman, you must look for the three B’s. The brains, the beauty… and the ‘bersonality’.” I have not found the “bersonality” yet, ladies and gentlemen. But here’s the thing, me and my dad have a relationship, right. Like every other Asian dad and son. Right. Like, for instance, you, sir. Like you and your dad. Do you have a good relationship with your dad? Yes. -Yeah. Fair enough. Did your dad ever tell you, “I love you,” in your whole life? -Maybe once or twice. Maybe once or twice. Well done. Because my father has never been that drunk, I guess. I… I don’t know, my dad has never told me he loves me. Right, he has never told me he loves me. Like, it’s weird, because now, I have a child of my own, right, a beautiful six-year-old girl. Right. And I love her, I love her, I tell her I love her every day. And I realized that my father tells her… he loves her, too. What about me? With her, he can say it, but with me, he cannot. And I asked him, I looked at him and I said, “Dad, why… How come you’ve never said ‘I love you’ to me?” And he looked at me and said, “Why must I tell you? You’re alive, aren’t you?” Right? Like, my dad, my dad loves alcohol. He drinks… a lot. Borderline alcohol problem, right. But… But he drinks a lot, and the thing is, I owe everything to my dad. I owe a lot of things to my dad, right. Because I wouldn’t be a comedian if it wasn’t for my dad. Right, because my dad would tell me jokes when I was younger. Right. Maybe they were a little bit inappropriate, but he would tell me jokes when he drinks. Like, I remember this one joke he told me. Let me see if you like it, right? Uh, when I was younger, he came up to me and he said, “Son, why do Chinese people like to watch porno movies backwards? Because they like to see the prostitute give the money back.” Listen, listen, I’m glad you guys liked it, all right. But I was five years old, all right? And I remember, like, my dad… I looked at my dad, like, “Dad, what’s a prostitute?” And my dad was like, “Your auntie! Your auntie is a prostitute!” My mother recently added me on Facebook. Right. Uh, it’s hard to get up in the morning to find out you have been poked by your mother. I remember the first time my mother poked me, my father liked it. It was very bad. Like, okay, my mom is… She has a smartphone now. She has a smartphone. Right, like, how many of you all are in a family WhatsApp group? Make some noise. How many of you all wanna kill yourselves? Make some noise! Right! It’s one of those… The worst thing ever! The family WhatsApp where you can’t leave the group. It’s like leaving the fucking family. Like what is the point of the family WhatsApp group? Ten thousand messages in the morning. “Good morning, family.” Really You have never said good morning to me to my face! But now, suddenly, so many messages, all with pictures… of angels. “Good morning, family.” What are you doing And my mom, she likes to forward messages, wholesale. Wholesale forward messages from one group to another. Doesn’t read through the messages. She just forwards the messages from one group to another. Like, the other day, I got a message, “Oh, chicken causes cancer.” Three minutes later, “Rice causes cancer.” Five minutes later, “Come home, chicken curry and rice for dinner.” Commitment, Mother. I realized, I didn’t have a very good relationship with my parents when I was growing up. And I guess I understand why. Because I wasn’t a very good kid when I was growing up. Right, for instance, for instance, this is something I used to do, I used to shoplift a lot. I used to shoplift, right. I guess it’s a way to get attention. Right? It’s a way to get attention. It’s also a way for… You know, I didn’t get a lot of money when I was a kid, so I thought, there’s things that I wanted and I just took it right from the shops. Like, for instance, here’s one thing, uh… As an example, I used to steal condoms from the shop. But, okay, look, I still do it now. I still steal condoms, not because of attention. Now, I just do it, because I can’t deal with the judgment of the person behind the counter when you buy a condom, right? It’s very difficult. It’s very difficult. Like, when I buy condoms, I put it in the counter, they look at me, look at the condoms and go… “Oh… You’re having sex, huh? Twelve pack, huh? Strawberry flavor, huh?” Right, it’s very difficult to deal with that. Right? So what I do, I just steal it, I just stole it, right. And then… Well, it came to a time when I was 17 years old that I wanted to use one of the condoms. Basically, what I’m saying is, I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. Calm down. Don’t be so happy I lost my virginity. I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old. And I found it again when I got married, though. Uh… It was in the drawer all along, right. There came a time when I had to use it, and I realized, at that time, in the ’90s, I had made a mistake. Right, I had made a mistake. Instead of stealing condoms, I had stolen Femidoms. Female condoms. Right. And, look, if you don’t know the difference, it’s the same thing, only the size of a dinner plate. I remember looking at it, going, “Shit. Is that the normal size? Am I Chinese” Right. When I was young, I used to watch a lot of porn movies. I used to watch a lot of porn movies. Okay, to be fair, I still watch it now. Because I am married. Do you remember the first porn movie you ever watched, bro? No. You don’t watch porn, of course. No. No, of course. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I looked at you, right. Because you look like the kind of guy I wanna go to your house and download your hard drive. Yeah, you look like the kind of guy I would download your hard drive, lock myself in a room for three months, come out just blind. All dissolved. But, okay, the reason I asked you is because I remember the first one I watched. It was called Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Right. It’s absolutely true. Google this. Google this. It’s absolutely true. It does exist, right. I remember my friend… uh, got this videotape from… Brought this videotape to school. Remember VHS tapes? Do you guys remember VHS tapes? Yeah, it was on VHS tape, right. He brought it to school, told everybody that it was wrestling. But I knew what it was. I knew what it was, right. VHS tapes, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Right, the cutting-edge technology of our time. Because before that, all we had was the TV, right? And you always, like, MediaCorp, or TV1, TV2, that’s all you had, right? If you wanted to, you could not… If you wanted to go to the toilet, you either had to wait for an ad break, or you had to miss two to five minutes of the movie. Right? Then, came VHS tapes. You can rewind, you can forward. You can pause. The… The pause button. It was not a pause button, it was a dance button, wasn’t it? Right, you can be watching the most violent movie in the world, like Rambo. Pause. Unpause. Right? You can make any movie into a Bollywood movie, that’s what I’m saying. How many of you all were growing up in the ’80s? Make some noise! How many of you all grew up in the ’90s? Make some noise! You all can fuck off, right. Because… No, here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. Look at the guys who grew up in the ’80s. They’re the most innovative, the most creative, the most hardworking people in the world. You know why? You know why? Because we had to work for our porn! We had to work for our porn. Because I grew up in a time before the Internet. Before the Internet. Right now, you can download your movies, it’s like a high speed Internet. You don’t even have to download, you can stream. We didn’t have the Internet. The only thing I had was the Avon catalog. I remember the Avon catalog, my mother was an Avon lady. I used to steal the catalog, run up to the toilet, turn to page 32. Bras and panties. I remember very clearly, like, because… Here’s one thing you need to understand. Like, Malaysia, we didn’t have real women modeling the bras and panties. It was headless mannequins. Right, we had to imagine the breasts. Right, so we… And you know, we had to work hard for our porn. Like, do you guys remember dial Do you guys remember dial Yeah. You don’t know pain. You don’t know pain until you’ve had dial-up fucking Internet. Oh. Dial-up Internet. It was so hard. It was so hard, you had to wait till three o’clock in the morning to do anything questionable. Because we all had one computer in the hall. The family computer. Right. I remember, because we… I had to wait until three o’clock in the morning, right. When everybody, my father was asleep, my mother was asleep. My dog was asleep. Right, because… And my dad, my dad had a very good alarm system in the house. Right, so, whenever we wanted to go down the stairs, he knew immediately because we had creaky stairs. Right, so every time… He knew. He knew we were going. But what we did was, me and my brother, we came, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right, we sat down, we came up with a plan. Right. Because we knew, my father snores very loudly. So what we did was, we timed our steps… with the snoring. Right, so every time… But then, there was a flaw in the plan, because, sometimes, sometimes, my father would turn to his side and stop snoring. So, it was like… And I was stuck there for hours. And when we did finally get downstairs, we had to turn on the computer. Turn on the computer. And then, half an hour later, when the computer has started up. Windows fucking NT. Then we had to turn on the loudest thing you have ever heard… in your entire life. Which was the 56K modem. It sounds like you’re molesting a Decepticon, you know? Why the hell did they have to make it so loud? Right. It was difficult because you had to… You… Oh, you couldn’t download movies, you couldn’t download… anything, you couldn’t download GIFs or so. You had to download still pictures. Still pictures, right? Only pictures. Right. Which is bad, because you had to imagine the movements yourself. Unless you’re a little bit creative and you download two pictures and go… Which is very difficult, right? Because you have to work the mouse and the joystick at the same time. Some kind of hand-eye coordination. It took 20 minutes to download one picture. Twenty minutes to download one picture. I only lasted for three. Hey, I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’m not ashamed to admit this. I’ve masturbated to Pamela Anderson’s forehead so many times. I don’t even know what she looks like. But, yeah, VHS tape. Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. I remember, I was alone at home. It was going to be… a good day. I went home, I made myself some Milo. It was going to be… a good day. Put in the tape and start rewinding. It was going to be a good day. And then my mother… comes home early from work that day to spend more time with her son. I know, right. And that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever learned in my entire life. Which was… VHS tapes never ejected in an emergency. I remember my mom coming in through the gate, and I’m like, “Eject, eject, eject!” Nothing came out. Great. I’m like, I panicked, I panicked, I turned everything off. I turned on the TV, my mom walks in, she’s like, “Kavin, what are you doing?” “I’m watching the news.” And she’s like, “Kavin, if you’re watching the news, why don’t you have any pants on? And why is there an Avon catalog next to you?” I ran upstairs. I ran upstairs to the sanctuary of my room. As a 14-year-old boy, the only sanctuary you have is your room. Right? And, ladies and gentlemen, I’m not, I’m not a religious man. But that day… That day, I was a Catholic priest. I was 14 years old and molesting myself. Everybody, calm down. I prayed, and I prayed, and I prayed. I’ve never prayed so hard before in my life. I prayed that my mother would not find the VHS tape inside the VCR. And when I needed Him the most, ladies and gentlemen, He did not answer my prayers. Because my mother did not come home to spend more time with her son, no. She came home because she wanted to watch her favorite Indian drama… that she recorded the night before. And she thought the tape was already inside. And she just presses play. To be fair, she didn’t realize it was a different movie. Right, for the first half an hour, she didn’t realize, she was just looking at it, going… “What happened to their saris?” She called me downstairs. She called me downstairs, and she looked at me, and she said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell.” She had the tape in her hands, suddenly ejected. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” And then she says the most terrifying words you can say to a 14-year-old boy. Which is, “Wait till your father comes home.” Well, that was terrifying… That was terrifying for me. Especially, because both my parents used to beat me. Let’s face it. Both my parents used to beat me all the time. Right, and, to be fair, I deserved most of the beatings. Right. Because if I wasn’t beaten, I would not be here telling you jokes. I’ll be outside robbing you. So, fair enough. But my father was hardcore. And my father was hardcore. My father had two sons. He sat us both down and said, “The reason I had two sons, is because, one day, I know I’m gonna kill one of you.” And if I’m being honest, I miss my brother. I prayed and I prayed and I prayed that my father would not come home. I was the only child in the entire world that prayed his father don’t come home. He did not answer my prayers. Because my father did come home that night. And my mom obviously told him the whole story. She told him the whole story. He knows what happened, right, but he decided to ask me. Right. “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. What is this?” I looked at him and said, “It’s a horror movie.” Because I had hope, right? And that’s when he looked at me, and said, “Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell. Horror movie, huh? Let’s watch it.” Right. He puts in the tape and starts rewinding it. Here I am, with my father… my mother, my brother, and my grandmother… all watching porn. Like it’s some kind of family activity. As you can imagine, it was awkward as hell, right. My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My grandmother going, “Why aren’t they wearing any saris?” My mother was screaming, “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My brother was flipping through the Avon catalog at this point. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My dog was humping my leg. “How dare you bring this into my house? How dare you bring this into my house?” My father went, “Shut up! The creature from hell is not even out yet!” Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for listening to my stories. Thank you so much for making tonight so special. Thank you, everyone. Good night."
1686242818-380,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Louis C. K.: Sorry (2021) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-sorry-transcript/,"Recorded at the Madison Square Garden on August 14, 2021 * * * ♪♪ [“Like a Rolling Stone” by Bob Dylan playing] ♪♪ ♪ Once upon a time you dressed so fine ♪
 ♪ Threw the bums a dime in your prime ♪
 ♪ Didn’t you? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ People call, say: Beware, doll ♪
 ♪ You’re bound to fall ♪
 ♪ You thought they were all ♪
 ♪ A-kidding you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to laugh about ♪
 ♪ Everybody that was hanging out ♪
 ♪ Now you don’t talk so loud ♪
 ♪ Now you don’t seem so proud ♪
 ♪ About having to be scrounging ♪
 ♪ Your next meal ♪
 ♪ How does it feel ♪ [Cheering and applause] ♪ How does it feel ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To be without a home ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ [Cheering and applause] [Chanting] Louis! Louis! Louis! [Clears throat] [Laughter] Well… [Cheering and applause] M-my… my favorite sex position… [Laughter] My favorite sexual position is, uh, reverse cowgirl… But I’m on top. [Laughter]     Are you picturing that? It’s good. It’s really good. Nobody gets pregnant. It’s a lot of fun. I’m trying to learn things about myself. Um, I got a scale for my bathroom. I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m just interested in the data. [Laughter] And I did learn something, I learned this… Because I weigh myself every night before I go to bed; and then I also weigh myself on the morning when I get up and I… Here’s what I learned… I weigh two pounds less every morning than when I went to bed… And I found out why, it’s because I shit in my bed every night. [Laughter] I do… I take a full two-pound dump in bed, and then I turn out the lights and I go to sleep. Because I don’t want to sleep alone. Your needs change when you get older… At my age, a big… big pile of shit’s as good as anybody. [Laughter] I actually have a girlfriend, but we’re struggling, because she lives in France, uh, she’s French, she lives all the way over there, and we haven’t been able to see each other for a year because of the disease. I have AIDS. And, uh… [Laughter] She’s great, though, she sends me presents all the time. That’s how she keeps it going. She sends me gifts in the mail. I get something from her every week. Sometimes it’s chocolate from France or a shirt she wishes I would wear instead of things like this. And sometimes she sends something to make fun of me because she’s a little fucked up, so last time she sent me a pair of little girl’s panties. And, uh… yeah, I was like, “That’s not funny,” because these are in my house now. I can’t get rid of ’em! It’s like nuclear waste! Think of it, I can’t throw them out because I can’t have people find little girl’s panties in my garbage with coffee grounds and butter on ’em. [Laughter] And every solution I think of makes it worse, like, if I… If I put ’em in a bag inside another bag and… Layers of duct tape, wrapped in tinfoil. Or if I put him in a coffee can and I nail it shut and I bury it in the park in the middle of the night. Or if I cut ’em into tiny pieces… and throw away one piece each week in a different town. My friend tried to help me, he’s like, “Why don’t you just burn them?” I’m like, Do you understand? Even if there’s a one-in-a-million chance I get caught burning little girl’s panties… [Laughter] So I’m wearing them right now. So… [Laughter and applause] Yep… it’s the only solution I could come up with, I wear ’em every day… And I hand-wash them. And then I dry them like this… [Blowing] Just right on the little strawberries. [Laughter] Here’s the thing: men… our biggest fear in life is that we’re going to get caught being a kid f*cker, that’s every guy’s biggest fear. Even if you would never do it, every guy’s like, “That’s what’s going to happen to me, I know it.” It’s like being afraid of sharks when you live in the desert, like, “I don’t go to the ocean, but it’s going to happen.” ‘Cause it’s a fear not based in its likelihood, but in how horrible it would be if it happened. Because when they catch a pedophile, holy fuck. Holy shit! It’s brutal… Because we’re scared, we’re so scared of pedophilia because it’s here and it’s not going anywhere. That’s a fact… it’s not like there’s a finite amount of pedophiles, and, “We got the last one!” No, they keep… It keeps happening; every generation, there’s more. Some of you have kids and some of them are going to grow up, and f*ck kids, they might, you know? Okay, no, I’m… of course… Of course not yours, for some reason, but… [Laughter] They’re coming from some place. So any real solution has to start with the basic reality that there will always be pedophiles. Not a great thought, I understand, it’s not an uplifting… You wouldn’t put that on a fridge magnet. [Laughter] Or on your screensaver at the office. “There will always be pedophiles.” “Hey, where’s Jim? He’s not at his desk.” We do… we have to start with that reality, because our solutions that we have so far don’t really work. Here is our current solution to pedophilia: We wait till somebody fucks about 10,000 kids, and then we go, “All right, you, you better cut that out.” That’s pretty much it. There is no measures for preventing it. None! We have no policy to prevent it pe… No, we’re not even just… Like a street sign. There’s a street sign for everything! “No hunting,” “no spitting,” “no skateboarding.” I’ve never seen a “Don’t f*ck a child” sign in the w… I’ve been all over the world! Not even just like a picture of a guy f*cking a kid with a line through it, so that it… transcends language barriers. I mean, try it! You won’t get most of them with the sign. But even if one out of 50 of them is like, “Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it was an issue,” that’s money well spent! There’s things that might work, and we don’t even try them. Like, is anybody working on very realistic child sex dolls? Okay, then let ’em f*ck your kids forever, is th… if that’s better! I’m so sorry… for suggesting something that might actually work. “Oh, no! Let ’em f*ck both my sons, but don’t make a doll. That would be distasteful.” The thing is that this… I’m still talking about it… This… this problem… We lose things because we won’t really face it, you know, that are important us, like the Boy Scouts. Boy Scouts… wonderful thing, being sued out of existence ’cause of all the kid fuckery that goes on. And I know it’s upsetting, because, look, here’s the thing: the Boy Scouts is a wonderful thing for kids. They go to the woods, they work together, they learn skills, they get in touch with nature. What could it be better for a boy than that? But some of those guys want to fuck the kids. I don’t think they do it a lot. It’s not like there’s just a shit-load of kids being fucked in the Boy Scouts; I think it’s mostly that they find out that the guy wants to… I don’t actually know, though. I don’t. Do you know why I don’t know? Because I’m afraid to look it up! I’ll go to prison for typing it into a Google! How do you solve a problem if you’re afraid to fucking look it up? “How many Boy Scouts get fucked on a…” [Imitating alarm blaring] “Oh, shit!” [Laughter and applause] Every time I move, I’ve got to tell my neighbors that I looked that up. Here’s what happens… Every few years you find out there’s some pedophile-type people in the Boy Scouts and then they announce, “We got… we got ’em all, we’re good.” And then a year later, “Whoa, there’s a bunch more!” [Harrumphs] “What’s going on here?!” At some point, you’ve got to wake up to the basic fact that the… maybe the people who are best suited to give your kids these wonderful experiences are folks that want to f*ck them. Maybe that’s… Maybe that’s why they’re good at it. Maybe that’s… if you want that, that’s where you go. Maybe that’s just the way that goes. Who else would want to take a bunch of kids to the fucking woods?! Who wants to take your shit kid to the fucking woods?! You don’t want to take ’em! Who else would want to do that, except people that are barely containing that they want to f*ck every kid in the face? That’s why they’re good at it. That’s what makes them good at it. I’m not saying that all Scoutmasters are pedophiles. I might be saying that the best ones are. I might be saying that. That sounds right. So I don’t know… you have to lose the whole thing? Just tell your kids, “Some of those guys want to f*ck you, just be careful, have a good time.” Take the contribution from where it comes. Michael Jackson… Wonderful music, blessed us with wonderful music… Did some other things, too. What… look, what’s worse: a pedophile who makes beautiful music, or one that doesn’t? This is the choices. “No pedophiles” is not on the menu. So how’ve you all been enjoying living the way I already was for a couple of years before all this shit? [Laughter and applause] Welcome to my life. Can’t work, can’t go outside, can’t show your face, gotta wash your groceries. [Laughter] ‘Cause I got cum on the groceries. That’s why I just… in my mind, that’s what it means. Maybe that’s not what you’re thinking, but… I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way, for COVID, I have it. This is it: We test everybody, first of all, and every time we find somebody who has COVID, you kill them. That’s it. That’s the solution. You won’t need another one after that one. That’s the final one. It’s been pretty amazing to be alive during this thing, during COVID, because you’re not going to see this again, and, wow, did we learn some shit. That’s really… the things that teach you in life are things you never would have chosen to do for yourself. I mean, think about your life as far as it’s been, where you had the choices, where you’re like, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to pursue this.” It all goes to shit, every bit of it. And even when it goes right, you’re like, “Why don’t I like it? It’s what I wanted. But why don’t I like it?!” Because it’s your choice and your choices are based on fear and fucking just thin, stupid, shitty hopes. But when life just kicks you in the balls and you’re like, “Oh, fuck, everything’s different now,” and you… It shows you shit you wouldn’t have looked at otherwise. That’s the great joy in it. And what I thought was really interesting about COVID, and still is, is that it’s the first thing I’ve seen where everyone on Earth had the same problem. Every human being on Earth had the same problem, and we never had that before. That’s why we don’t give a shit about each other, because you read, like, “Oh, there’s floods in Houston,” you’re like, “It’s fucking water!” What is it? What’s your problem? Floods… What does that? Just walk like this. What’s… what, you can’t handle some water? My basement floods… What the fuck? Who gives a shit? Like, he’s on a canoe in the street… “That looks like fun. Why is that an issue?” There’s fires in California. What… [Blows] Blow it out. What, you can’t fucking blow out a fire? Get the water from Houston and dump it on California. Fuckin’ deal with it. But we all had the same problem, every person from Zimbabwe to Tokyo to Newark to Honolulu, everybody was doing the same dumb shit. Every person had the same stupid fucking moment at the same… just trying to get the mask out of the well of your car door, trying to… “I got to go in Walgreen’s, where’s my fucking mask?” You try to… It’s got pistachio shells in it and pennies. Shake it… “I’m sure it’s still effective.” I actually like the masks, ’cause it just… Everybody looked nice. Everybody did, ’cause it’s just their eyes. Eyes are nice. You never hear somebody say, “That guy’s got gross eyes.” It’s really… we should hide these, we should keep the masks, because this is disgusting, how do we just… With no shame, “Look inside my face! Ha-ha-ha!” Spit and tongue and teeth? It’s fucking gross! Cover your mouth! Don’t…     I’d rather look at your asshole than your mouth. I really would, I’d rather stare into your asshole than glance at your mouth. Assholes aren’t that bad, not to look at. We don’t like to think about assholes, ’cause, like, you know, the shit and the farts and the diarrhea. But that’s a small portion of their time. You ever really look at an ass… You ever really look? [Laughter] [Blowing] Mmm. Once you see it, like in nature, it’s just… it’s a little… [Squeaks] That’s all. That’s your asshole. It’s like… You know what it is? It’s just an aperture, that’s all it is. That’s your asshole. It’s like a camera shutter, that’s all it is. It’s like the opening to the James Bond movies, That’s what your asshole’s… [Imitating James Bond theme] [Laughter] [Imitates gunshot, flatulence] You ever go to lick somebody’s asshole and there’s a little guy with a gun in there? [Laughter] It was bad. But it really was an interesting social experiment, COVID, because everybody got told the same thing… The whole world got told the same thing. If you go out unnecessarily, millions will die. And a lot of us said, “Oh, I’m going out.” [Laughter] “Yeah… I’m going now and a lot.” Yeah, and millions died. Just, we’re not that different from the turtles that you’re trying to get them not to cross the fucking highway and they’re like this, “Where I fuck, I fucked over there, fuck you.” And we’re like, “Please stop!” Putting little signs up… “Don’t go!” And he’s, “Fuck you. I’m a turtle…” [Imitates splatting] It doesn’t… We’re not that different. We’re just a fuckin’ species, and we’re just rolling along. Yeah, many dying old ladies died. That’s what happened. Many dying old ladies finished dying. [Laughter] Here’s the way you got to look at it, okay? We’re still making more. We’re making new old ladies. Every day. There’s a fresh batch coming, they’re going to be great. I was having sex with a woman once, and she was so beautiful, I was having trouble not cumming, so I pictured her face at 80 years old, and then I came immediately. [Laughter] Because she was 92. [Laughter] Anyway… One thing I found very interesting was that during the pandemic, a lot of people really liked counting the dead people. That got very popular, was counting the amount of the dead and dying. “Do you know how many people… Just today! Just today! Do you know how many people died of COVID-19?!” “Just today!” When… why… wh… Keeping a daily tally? We don’t do this… A lot of shit going on that we don’t keep a daily tally of how many… babies were dropped in a bucket of paint. And I looked that up! I’m not kidding you. It’s 30 a day, it’s a real problem. I’m serious! A steady 30 babies a day are dropped in buckets of paint. It’s not random, it’s one guy that won’t stop doing it. [Laughter] Yeah, we liked counting them, we liked counting the dead. And when it got really high, we didn’t know how to count them anymore, people trying to find different ways to express the number or take it in. Remember January? It was really b… It was 3,000 people every day were dying of COVID, so people started saying this… “This is 9-11 every day.” “This is literally 9-11 every day.” When did we start measuring deaths in “9-11s”? When did that become the new, “how many football fields long is it,” for mass death? “How many 9-11s was World War II? Can we look it up?” I know the Holocaust was 2,000 9-11s. 9-11 wasn’t that bad, it was just one. [Laughter and applause] Only one 9-11 of people died on 9-11. That’s like nobody died that day. See, it’s all relative, because then you have those… Later… remember, January was really bad, January was the worst, and then in April, March/April, we all felt better, everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s way better now, it’s way better, “way better than January”… I looked it up, it was 1,500 people a day… and everybody’s like, “It’s way better than January.” Really?! It’s half a 9-11 every single day. But that’s way better. That would be like if on 9-11, after the first tower went down, you’re like, “Eh, that’s not that bad…” It’s just one. “Still got the other one, that’s why they made two.” It’s okay, it’s all right to… make fun of 9-11, it was a hoax. Uh… [Laughter] All right. Sorry. Anyway… [Laughter and applause] [Cheering and applause] I thought I had COVID about three times, I’m one of those idiots, I was like, “I think I have it. Can you feel?” I’m bad with pain too, like, the other day I hit my elbow right on that spot where if I had a gun, I’d be dead now, you know, that s… I can’t do pain. That’s why I could never be a cop. I couldn’t walk around with a gun right here. There’s 50 things a day where I’d be like, “Fuck that, that ain’t worth…” That’s my main problem, by the way, with the whole “defund the police” idea: What about people who want to commit suicide by cop? What about them? Anyway, we’ll put a pin in that, but… We had a lot of protests in New York, and now we have protesters that just live here. They’re not at a protest, they’re just here. I saw a protester in Washington Square Park. She had green hair and dirty legs. And she’s holding a little piece of cardboard, and it’s… with a Sharpie… It said “Abolish billionaires.” She’s standing there. And I thought, “I don’t think that’s going to do it. I don’t…” It doesn’t feel like that’s going to result… “in Jeff Bezos going, ‘What’s happening to me?'” [Laughter] Sadly, it’s going to be okay for him. I think that… I thought it was good how p… How young people got out there and they expressed themselves, they went out there to solve a lot of problems. Not all the problems, but some of them. They went out there to stop discrimination. Uh, not all discrimination. Just some of it, which is a weird form of discrimination. But there are groups… There are groups that are discriminated against, the… who don’t have any protesters or any people working for them. And we all discriminate against these people, like ugly people. Everybody discriminates against ugly people. They do, and it’s awful… I mean, I’d rather be discriminated against for my race than for being ugly because you might not lose a job or a promotion, but nobody kisses you on the lips, like, your whole fucking life, like, try that. This is what we say to ugly people… “We don’t like your face. Just don’t like it. So no one’s going to fall in love with you, and it’s unanimous… sorry.” And we just expect ugly people to be like, “Oh, no, I understand. I mean, sure, my head shape is no good for you, so I’ll… I’ll with… I’ll go without the things that matter in life.” [Laughter] Also, overweight people… Overweight people deal with things that none of us deal with… Because I’m not overweight. There’s people… [Laughter] Who are discriminated against because of their weight. I read a story once about a woman who was 600 pounds and she couldn’t get medical care, because everything… She goes to the doctor, he just says it’s because she’s fat… everything. She’s like, “My knees hurt,” he’s like, “Yeah, my knees hurt just looking at you, what’d you think was going to happen?” She’s like, “I have chest pains,” he says, “Yeah, ’cause your organs are over capacity, so they are hurting.” She’s like, “I got shot in the head,” he’s like, “Yeah, because you’re fucking fat, somebody shot you in the fucking head ’cause you’re fat.” It’s a terrible story. Here’s the worst part of the story, and this is true, this is true: she needed an MRI because she had something serious; she’s 600 pounds, she doesn’t fit in the machine. Do you know what they did? They sent her to the zoo. I’m not kidding, they sent her to the fuckin’ zoo! That’s what we do for fat people… who need an MRI! “Hey, here’s your prescription… go to the zoo.” Yeah, that’s where you should go. “You should go to the zoo.”     By the way, you know how many fat people we have in this country? About 600 trillion-billion- thousands of ’em! You know how many trans people there are? About 38. But if you’re trans and you need a restroom and it’s awkward, we’ll change every restroom! But if you’re fat and you need an MRI, you go to the zoo, you fat b*tch. Just go to the zoo. You go experience that today. What happens when she gets to the zoo? What actually fucking happens when she arrives at the zoo?! “Hi… Are you here to see the monkeys?” “No, I’m here for an MRI.” “Oh, shit. All right. Yeah.” Uh-Huh. Okay, just stand in the straw over here. “Yeah, you’re after the walrus who has lymphoma.” [Laughter] By the way, why is there an MRI machine at the fuckin’ zoo?! Who was it developing that instead of a fat-human-being MRI? Who’s paying for this shit? You don’t give an elephant a fucking magnetic resonance image test! Are you fuckin’ high? That’s obscene! If an elephant is sick, you just listen. You do this thing. “Me-sa thinks she gonna die today.” I’m saying this out of respect for elephants, by the way, because we’re supposed to respect how they live. They don’t fucking cure their diseases. This is not their culture, this is our weird… “Let’s fix it! Oh, he’s sick!” That’s not how elephants live! An elephant in the Serengeti isn’t like, “I have a lump, I have to see my oncologist.” When an elephant gets cancer, he falls over and takes his fuckin’ turn and becomes food. You don’t put an elephant in a state-of-the-art… [Imitates beeping] What if you find cancer? What, are you going to give them chemotherapy? Think a skinny elephant with a pink baseball hat. [Laughter and applause] [Labored breathing] “Each day is a gift.” [Laughter] I love animals, I do… I do. We have a weird relationship to animals… We name them and we play with them, and we kill them and we eat them, and we stuff them. And we draw them. I have a dog… I love my dog, but I don’t know my dog. We’ve never had a conversation, not one time. I talk and she just hears… [Gibberish] [Gibberish] She looks at me, I’m like, “Yes!” She’s like, “What, you don’t know what the fuck I’m think…” “Fuck you”… I don’t know this bitch, I have no idea what she’s thinking. I really wish I did, I wish I knew what she was thinking, it’s my biggest wish, maybe, in life, is that I knew, ’cause I know she has thoughts. I know she does. There’s no way she’s just like, “Dog.” There’s stuff going on in here. I’ve seen it. You ever watch your dog make a decision? You ever d… watch your dog just walk in the room and then look around, like… “I’m going to go over here.” Why?! Please tell me why! I think my dog thinks I’m insane because I look at my life through her… through her eyes, like, I’ll watch TV for four hours, and from my dog’s point of view, I’m just sitting there. [Sustained laughter, scattered applause] [Exaggerated laughing] “What… the fuck is he laughing, what happened?” My dog is my life now because my kids are grown up, my kids are in college and they’re all, you know… I’m an empty nester. That’s what you call it when your kids are gone… ’cause they grow up, not if they’re dead. It’s not used that way. “My daughter died of leukemia.” “Hey, you’re an empty nester!” [Laughter] I miss it, I miss having little kids. I think about it all the time, I think about it… Maybe adopting, you know, I could adopt a baby from a Third World country. That’s a good thing to do because you can just leave ’em outside, you don’t have to… [Laughter] You know, it’s interesting… We’ve been adopting babies from other countries in America for a long time. You know, other countries do it too, but I live here, so I’ll talk about that, but… It’s an interesting thing. It’s not a biological imperative to go get a baby from thousands of miles away, but we’ve been doing that in large numbers here for a long time, and not always for the same reasons. There’s been different reasons why we’ve done it. In the early, like, in the ’70s, when I grew up, sometimes you’d meet a couple who had an African baby that they brought because there are those kind of, you know, these kinds of people, you know, the kind of couples that hold hands when they announce things. You know those kind of people? They gather their friends and they’re like, “We’ve decided”… You know those…? They have a farm table with a clay pot of honey on it. And their apple juice is cloudy. You know what I’m talking about? Those are the kind of people that make a trip to Zimbabwe and get a baby and name him Kevin and send him to Boston College, whatever. That was like the ’70s and ’80s; then in the ’90s, it became very popular with gay couples, started to adopt babies from China because they want to have a baby, but they can’t… They both have dicks. I don’t know if you know that. Did you know that? Gay couples have two dicks, so they can’t make a baby. You can try. You can… This is really fuckin’… You could… [Laughs] You could try to cum into one dick with the other, like, if you line up to dick holes and you could cum, and the sperm goes up this dick and down that one. And then this sperm gets to the balls and he… and they’re like, “What the fuck? Where…?” “Did we turn around? ‘Cause we’re in the balls again.” Whose balls are these?! These aren’t even his balls! Oh, he’s gay. Fuck. All right. Okay, all right. “Well, just swim around until we’re dead.” It’s just the way it is, you’re not going to… A baby will never come out of a penis. Which is good. It’s a good thing. Because it’s hard for women. Imagine pushing a whole baby out of your penis, dickhole. Even just the hand. Yeah. Anyway, so that’s why gay couples adopt. That’s why. [Cheering and applause] And often from China, because they make a lot of stuff there. Uh… [Laughter] So that was that, that was… The gay couples were adopting Chinese babies because they couldn’t have babies, and then… and then a lot of other couples started doing it more around the turn of the century. I used to live in Hollywood, which is a pretty awful place, and everybody there gets Chinese babies. It’s very popular. They go… because… And it’s not because they can’t have babies, and it’s not because they’re trying to help somebody from far away; it’s because they’re just busy; they’re busy… They want to have a baby, but they don’t want to have a baby. You know what I mean? That thing where you can’t have your baby and eat it too, or what… I don’t know how… They want to get pregnant is the point, so they go to China… They don’t even go to China, they go to the airport and somebody from China meets them, gives them a baby… it’s true. They just take it home and then they get a Jamaican nanny to watch their Chinese baby, and they go to cocktail parties. “We have this Chinese baby, it’s amazing.” And meanwhile, the Chinese baby and the Jamaican nanny are just alone, looking at each other like, “What are we doing? What is…? What is this?” Why can’t either of us see our families? Why…? “What the fuck is the point of this?” So, yeah, my dog, I got a dog, my kids are, eh, and I just sit around and watch, uh, watch YouTube a lot… That’s my favorite… pastime. Um… I was watching YouTube today; I was watching one of the ads that comes on before the video I wa… I don’t skip those. I think that’s rude. It is. It’s mean. Somebody worked hard on that ad. They trained a cheetah to run alongside a Jeep Cherokee. And you’re at home like, “Three, two, one… fuck off.” [Laughter] Fucking mean… what if you made something, dick?     Anyway, the ad was a PSA. It was a, uh, anti-smoking message. It was a Puerto Rican man with a hole in his throat, he was like… [Imitating electrolarynx] “My father smoked. And my mother smoked. I wish I never smoked in my life. Please don’t smoke cigarettes. Cigarettes are very, very bad for you.” First thought I had was, why does he still have an accent? [Laughter] It’s coming out… Feels like if you bypass the mouth… You shouldn’t have an accident anymore. Does the machine have a setting for “Puerto Rican”? Is that just how air sounds coming out of this guy? Does he fart with an accent? [Imitates flatulence] “Senor, I’m farting!” Anyway, after the ad, I watched the video that I was looking for, which was a scene from a movie, and it’s a scene that I really hate… Every time I see it, it makes me angry, which is why I was looking for it on YouTube. And it’s a movie I like… I actually like the movie. It’s called Good Will Hunting, remember Good Will Hunting? [Cheering and applause] Of course, right? Matt Damon played… A great performance. He plays a very complicated young man w-wearing a tight T-shirt for a whole movie. And here’s the thing… Here’s my issue with Good Will Hunting… Matt Damon also wrote the movie. Okay? So he basically sat down, he’s like, “First of all, I am amazing.” [Laughter] “I’m a construction worker, I’m, like, working-class, and I drink beer and I get in fights, I get into so many fights. My friends are like, ‘You’re out of control, man, ‘ and I’m like, ‘Shut up this is the way I am.’ But then also, I’m a genius. Ooh! I’m not… I didn’t even go to school, I just know things, I don’t know why… I just know them. And all the nerdy geniuses that studied for years are like, “‘He’s so much smarter than us, it’s making it upset’.” It’s insane! It’s fucking insane. It only makes sense if he wrote it for himself to be the guy. So the scene I was looking for, it’s the worst example of that in the movie. Here’s what happens. He goes to a bar and he meets a woman and he likes her. And another guy likes her too. But she picks Matt Damon… because he wrote the fucking movie! Because he decided, you understand?! “She doesn’t like him, she likes me, you better believe it!” [Laughter] So he gets her phone number and then he goes outside and he sees the other guy in the window of a restaurant, and he decides to taunt him, so he goes over… He tells his friends, “Hey, come here, watch this.” And he says to the guy, “Hey, do you like apples?” [Laughter] And the guy says, “Yes.” And Matt Damon goes, “Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?” And all Matt Damon’s friends go, “Oh-ho!” Ho-ho! This was amazing! Oh! Oh-ho, my God! Oh, my God! You were ready with that! “How?!” You know how he did it? He wrote the whole fucking movie, okay?! He made everybody say all the things. Otherwise, this doesn’t happen. I mean, he hinges the whole fucking prank on the guy likin’ apples; the guy must like apples. Who the fuck… Who would say “yes”… to, “Do you like apples?”… Coming from a clear antagonist… who’s setting him up… Gathered his friends. “Do you… Ha, wait, guys watch this… Do you like apples?” [Sighs] God damn it, I do. I wish I didn’t. ‘Cause I can tell this is not going to go my way. But I just… I can’t lie. They’ll know it. They’ll know it’s because, boy, do I like apples. Do you understand if he says “no,” Matt Damon is fucked. He’s fucked in the face for life. He’s got nothin’! “Do you like apples?” “No.” “D…” [Stammers] [Laughter] “What…” Dude. Fuckin’ guy. No, come on, seriously. Seriously, you fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… Don’t fuckin’… [Labored breathing] Do… do… do… Do you like bananas? Do… ’cause I thought… ’cause the woman gave me her telephone number, and isn’t that bananas? [Laughter] I saw a guy… I saw a guy peeling a banana the other day. It’s another banana joked, because… Did you hear the other one ended with “banana”? Banana… I got three banana jokes, by the way. This is number two. Okay. I saw a guy peeling a banana on Sixth Avenue, and it bothered me. I’ll tell you why, because it’s the way he… When I peel a banana, I hold around here, I peel down to my hand, right? This guy holds the banana at the bottom. And he just peels the whole thing all the way down. It felt like a guy at a urinal pulling his pants all the way to his ankles. I was like, “Dude, TMI with that banana right now. What are you making a smoothie on Sixth Avenue? What are you doing?” The banana was like, “Hey!” You don’t even know how much you’re going to eat. “I have a bruise right here.” Kind of got lost in the banana shame there. You wanna hear the other banana one now? [Cheering and applause] All right. Okay, so… I was at the grocery store… and I needed bananas. So I go over to where the bananas are, and there’s a Black woman at the bananas. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay, I swear. [Applause] I understand. White people are very scared of discussing bananas and Black people in the same conversation. I understand… if I have a Black friend over, I would never offer him a banana. I just, I don’t know why, I just wouldn’t do it. “Hey, you want a banana?” “Why the fuck you asking me?” “Hey, man, sorry, you have an apple? I’m really sorry.” These are just the facts of the case. All right? I was in a store, looking for bananas and there’s a Black woman in the bananas, and I wanted to… I didn’t want to go there while she’s there because of COVID. We’re all giving each other space. So I… I… But I do want to be next. So I’m waiting. And she’s kind of takin’ a long time. And the longer she takes, the longer I’m a white man watching a Black woman choose bananas. And this is an awful thing about the world today, because I know I’m not doing anything wrong, but I feel fucking bad. I feel fucking bad. So I went to the strawberries. [Chuckles] And there’s a f*ckin’ Jew at the strawberries. [Laughter and applause] “Here’s a nice one!” [Laughs, clears throat] That’s the Jew. I’m not going to do the Black woman. No, not… you know why? Because I’m not afraid of Jews. That’s really… That’s the bottom line. I’m not scared of Jews. I don’t find Jews to be frightening… unless you’re in Palestine, then they’re terrifying. It’s very different. Over there, they’re like, “The Jews are killing us!” And here, we’re like, “Really? The Jews?” [Laughter] “We’ve been slapping them around for years.” Anyway. “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] “Well, this banana’s soft, but I’m not gon’ have it till Tuesday, so… I’m gonna buy the hard one and wait.” Just trying to be fair. Just trying to be fair to the Jews. “Lawd, have mercy.” Anyway… [Cheering and applause] Don’t worry, I’m an old man, I’ll be gone very soon. I worry about getting old only ’cause I don’t want to lose my memory, you know? I mean, some of it I would love to lose. [Laughter] But it doesn’t work that way. You got to take it all or none, I guess. But I lose… I forget things, you know, like, remember Fonzie from Happy Days? I don’t remember him. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I forget weird things, you know? Like I was walking down the street once in New York and there was a guy in a van and he roll down the window and he said, “Hey, get in the van and suck my d*ck.” And I said, “All right,” you know, so… I got in the van and, you know, I was trying to pull the door, the sliding door, but it kept… and he’s like, “It just shuts, don’t… You don’t have to… I was like, “Sorry.” He’s like, “Everybody does that, it’s okay.” So I’m kneeling on the floor of the van on like a purse, and there’s no lady in there, but I’m like, “I came here to suck this guy’s d*ck, not, like, take inventory. I should just get to work,” so I started suckin’ his d*ck, and about halfway through… I’m guessing… I remembered… that, I don’t really like doing that. [Laughter] So, senior moment. [Laughter] Some people worry about getting old because they think it means that they’re dying, which it does. But this doesn’t worry me… I don’t worry about dying because I think it’s necessary. I think it’s something that you just have to do. You should do it. It’s… when it’s your turn, you should do it. If somebody you know, your doctor says you’re dying, just say, “Okay,” and die… Don’t, you know, “May be a miracle?” Fuck you, get in the ground, just take your turn. I really think that way now… I didn’t used to, but I do, because I… You know when I started thinking that way was when my mom died. My mom died a couple of years ago of anorexia. She was 300 pounds. She was bad at it. [Laughter] I know it’s fucked up, right? [Laughter] Hmm. What a piece of shit. Anyway… She would have liked that joke. She would have! My mom, fuckin’, she was gross. And I remember when she was dying, I was… I was alone with her, and the nurse said, “This is… this is imminent.” I was like, “What does that mean?” She goes, “It’s… she’s going to die in a minute.” I’m like, “Just say, ‘in a minute’. It’s so close.” Anyway, I was alone with her and she died, and I was like, “Fuck, they’re going to think I did it, obviously.” I didn’t want to lose my mom, I really didn’t, but I… but we had this one conversation, like, two weeks before she died, when we were… We were talking about it and I said, “Mom, I don’t want you to die.” And she said, “You’ll get over it.” That’s what she said! And I did. But in the moment, I wasn’t willing to accept it, I was like, “I don’t want you to go,” she said, “But we’re going in order.” Do you understand? This makes sense. I’m your mother,” I’m like, “Mom, stop talking like that. This is sad,” she goes, “No, it’s not. Look at it this way, would… Do you want me to never die?” I was like, “No, I don’t want that at all.” And it helped me get in touch with an important idea, which is that dying is important, it’s every generation’s greatest contribution to history is that they die. It’s the only thing that keeps things moving; it’s the only reason there’s any progress in the human race is that folks keep fucking dying. Every generation has had a mix of douche bags and amazing people and boring, great, good, whatever, but they’re all fucking dead. Every fuckin’ one. Thank God, they’re all fucking dead. There’s a limit to how much any of the good ones did, and the shitty ones got to stop being shitty. It’s a great system. Now, when you look at the Internet and all these people, you’re like, “What the fuck is happening?” They’… it’s okay. They’re all going! Every th… All of them are going to die. I mean, you don’t want to die. [Cheers and applause] You don’t want to die, you don’t want your loved ones to die, but that’s a selfish wish when you think about what would happen if nobody died… What kind of world would this be if there was no… Nobody d… If we still had people here from the 1100s? It’s hard enough having people here from the ’50s! “Sir, just scan the code on the table, there’s no menu.” “What?! I don’t understand!” Jesus Christ! You want to go through that with Pontius Pilate and Charlemagne? [Laughter] Fucking pain in the ass. Fucking old people that don’t want to fucking, just, when you get older and you start going, “Everything’s so crazy now”… No, it’s fine, just get the fuck out. It’s great. They’re not going to make it work for you, you’re here for 10 more minutes, just get the fuck out. If you’re in an airport and you’re looking at the toilet and you’re like, “I don’t understand how this works,” it’s time for you to die, that’s what that means. These toilets are for the next people, get the fuck out. That’s the way I look at my life now. I had some good, I had some bad, but I’m done. I mean, I’m… I’ll hang around ’cause I’m curious. But I’m so interested in the way things are going, I really am, it’s such an interesting time, such a… we’re on a hinge, it’s such a cool thing to experience that. I’m excited about a lot of what’s coming, there’s things that are hard now, but that’s the way it is. Things are going to get… I think it’s exciting what’s happening; I think young people today have some great ideas. They’re being a little cunty about some of them, but the ideas are good. The ideas are good. Like, when I was growing up, we had two genders… Male and female. Now you have all these expansion teams. I think it’s very exciting. It is! And the best idea is this gender fluid thing. This is a great fucking idea. Gender fluid, the idea, the way I barely understand it, is that you… you just… Something in the middle. It’s like a fretless bass. You don’t have to be… The specific pictures… What a dumb way to do it. “These are the kinds of people you can be, which one are you?” “I don’t feel like any of those people.” “Then you’re a failure. You have to fi… Start acting like these people so we know what to call you.” Why?! Just make it a… It’s just a… pbbt, What, just… A la carte, “I like d*cks, I don’t like balls, I’m a… this and… moving through it, changing when it feels like it.” I wish… what I’m saying is I wish we had that when I was a kid, because I think our generation got hurt by the rigidity of identities and how you had to just stick to them. You didn’t pick one right away. You’re eight years old, “What are you?” “I’m a… I’m a boy.” “What do you like?” “Uh, girls… Vaginas! Love vaginas!” I’m eight years old, I never saw one, but I’m committing my life to them right now. I don’t even get to smell one for a second! Just a sniff! [Sniffs] “All right, what else you got?” [Laughter and applause] Ten years old, “Are you gay?” “No, no, no, I hate d*cks, hate ’em.” What do I know? I didn’t even get to fidget with one for a minute! [Laughter] “This banana’s too hard!” [Laughter and applause] I’m not saying I wish I could have blown all my friends to see what it’s like. But on 4th of July, there were fireworks, I was with Matt, there was a feeling… I don’t know what could have happened. I have no idea… Because we were so scared. We were so… We were afraid to seem gay when I was a kid, ’cause in the ’70s, the stereotypes showed you what everybody is like. [Deep voice] Men are like this. [Falsetto] And then the women have to act like this, and then gay people are like… they’re just tired. That was gay people in the ’70s. “I’m gay. Help, I’m gay, I can’t even do anything.” That’s what gay men were in the ’70s.     You ever meet a gay person? You don’t fuck with gay people, not today. They’re all athletes, first of all. And they… they got their shit together. They’re fucking… their motherfuckers, gay people. Your landlord’s gay. They’re billionaires! They own Apple. They’re in the cabinet, they’re in the Navy. They’re… they’re… they’re cowboys and Indians and construction workers. Gay men are men. You ever go in a gay-owned business? He’s like, “Can I help you?” Like, the gay’s in there, but he’s fucking tough now. “This is my store, motherfucker, what do you want?” Gay men are men now. They’re… they’re fathers, they’re husbands, they’re men. Today’s heterosexual men are f*ggots. I don’t know how that happened! [Cheering and applause] And I… but they’re f*gs! [Cheering and applause] I’m saying that with love and as an old man on his way out the door, but they’re fucking f*gs! They’re intelligent and they’re evolved, but they’re f*gs, with the pajama shorts?! And the… just pale, almost blue. “Mm, my wife got a promotion today.” Oh, good for you, f*ggot. I’m so happy. I am! I’m happy for him! Sounds like a good… They have a good life together. But it takes some getting used to for me… When I see a progressive young couple, I always want to stop them and ask her, “Is that turning you on? Please tell me, is that sexy?” He… with the Tin Man’s hand pipe, just… Strawberry smoke. “Pbbt!” She’s like, Well, he’s very intelligent “and he’s conscientious”… But does he make your p*ssy wet? “Fuck, no, he’s a f*g. But I love him.” And again, great, it’s another kind of dude, “f*ggy straight dude,” it’s another kind of guy. Welcome! We should have all of it, the whole spectrum, the whole alphabet, all of it. But somebody does have to be just a straight fucking. You have to have that. It doesn’t have to be the most important, but you do need it because it’s where it all fuckin’ comes from. Until they figure out some other shit, this is where life still starts. If… if you want to eat local and organic, you got to respect that someone’s got to have a hard d*ck f*cking a p*ssy. That’s… that’s where every trans, every gay person, came from… two boring straight people f*cking. I mean, that’s just… for now, it’s… someone needs… You could… With an original d*ck, not a turned-inside-out p*ssy wrapped in thigh flesh… Which is wonderful! Wonderful! You got to respect that! You do! Somebody who wants to be themselves so bad they rip their balls off… That takes balls to do that. It does! Fuckin’ respect! But someone’s got to have a factory d*ck with matching numbers, fucking a wet, farm-raised p*ssy. [Laughter and applause] Thank you very much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. ♪ Ah, you never turned around to see the frowns ♪
 ♪ On the jugglers and the clowns when they all did ♪
 ♪ Tricks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You never understood that it ain’t no good ♪
 ♪ You shouldn’t let other people get your ♪
 ♪ Kicks for you ♪ ♪♪ ♪ You used to ride on a chrome horse with your diplomat ♪
 ♪ Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat ♪
 ♪ Ain’t it hard when you discovered that ♪
 ♪ He really wasn’t where it’s at ♪
 ♪ After he took from you everything ♪
 ♪ He could steal ♪
 ♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ How does it feel? ♪ ♪♪ ♪ To have on your own ♪
 ♪ With no direction home ♪
 ♪ Like a complete unknown ♪
 ♪ Like a rolling stone ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪ Ah, princess on a steeple and all the pretty people ♪
 ♪ They’re all drinking, thinking that they’ve ♪
 ♪ Got it made ♪
 ♪ Exchanging all… ♪ DEDICATED TO NORM MACDONALD"
1686241921-158,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,JIMMY CARR: BEING FUNNY (2011) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jimmy-carr-being-funny-transcript/,"Recorded live at the Birmingham’s Symphony Hall Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Jimmy Carr will be on stage… Altogether now. 5,4,3,2,1 Ladies and gentlemen. Please give it up for Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much. Good, Hello! Good Evening. Hello, Hello. Hello. Lovely. Quite well. I’m Jimmy Carr. These are my jokes, let’s not fuck about. Before we get started who has seen me before? Who has never seen me before? You sound happier. I’m not entirely sure this is working.
 According to Ofcom… The people that make guidelines for television. According to Ofcom, the most offensive words on TV are the F word and C word, but I’m live on stage this evening so I can say whatever the fuck I like. And those cunts can’t do anything about it. I got trouble getting up tonight, Had to organize a baby sitter. I don’t have children. I found out, they are cheaper than escorts. She is 17, there is nothing she won’t do for 50 pounds. It’s sort of half a joke, That isn’t? Cos its quite funny but also true. When I’m away from home I sometime get love sick. Well, They call it chlamydia.
 I spend a lot of my time away from home, cause this is my job. I travel around the country telling jokes to people. I love it. But I spend a lot of my time away staying in hotels, because I have to travel. I was in a hotel couple of weeks ago, walked into the hotel room, as I walked in there, just on the TV it said: “The adult channel is disabled.” I thought: “That’s a bit specialist” I’m joking. I was gutted, no Spas porn.
 I’m sure you’ve all seen this, Birmingham. On trains, they have got seats reserved for elderly, disabled and pregnant people. Begs the question: who is fucking all these old cripples? Have you ever heard something so dumb its almost brilliant? So stupid that it takes you a moment to work out what just happened. I give you an example. I was on a bus. I heard this girl get on the bus. Walked up to driver and go: “Can I get returned?” And the driver went: “Where to?” And She went: “Back here.” It took me like an extra beat to… what’s going on? Oh she is a fucking idiot. “Case Closed.” People worry about their physical appearance. We all got silly hang-ups. Personally I worry that one of my ball is bigger, than the other two. I shave my testicles. I call them “Brazil Nuts” Makes me giggle. Cos it tickles when I do it. The first few weeks of joining weight watchers, you are just finding your feet. Well done. Altogether or not at all on the laughter I think. Feed line, punch line, laugh. Don’t fuck about. You getting it late nonsense. Are there any ginger people in tonight? We got any ginger people? We have contained the problem there Good.. Ginger people get given hard time. People say very unkind things about gingers. But I think you should be destroyed humanely.
 I can talk, check out the look. I’m rocking like a Lego Hitler. Das is Sta, hm? When I broke up with my last girlfriend I said: “I blame myself, I should never have let you… let yourself go.” But you have so you have to fuck off.” Do you read the Sunday papers, Birmingham? Do you read the Sunday papers? I like the papers on Sunday morning. These are nice times to reflect on last week and also to look ahead for next week. We read the Sunday paper like News of the World in bed, Sunday morning. Couple of weeks ago. Tea, toast, Sunday paper. What could be nice… What could be more British anyway; my girlfriend turns to me, there is some sex scandal in News of the World. As there invariably is. My girlfriend turned to me and went: “I hope I never find out you are having an affair”. I said: me too. You could be moral arbiter on this one Birmingham. Right? You be the moral arbiter on this one this evening. I have got a friend he got dumped by his girlfriend. She ended their relationship. Just because he said something. They were making love, they were mid-coitus. Fucking. As he orgasm, as he arrived, ejaculated, came. Most intimate, but also most vulnerable time for man. As that occurred as he… He said: Bang! and dirty is gone” I can see two distinct groups of men. There are some men looking at as if to say: “I don’t think that’s not bad”. “I think she has over-reacted a little bit.” And I can see other men looking at me as if to say, “Note to self.”
 You gotta be very careful with jokes in the bedroom. Cause it quite funny to say to the girl Who is sucking you off: “It’s rude to talk with your mouth full.” But its even funnier if she says: “Well, its not full.” Having sex with someone at work is all right. As long as you don’t work in a Primary school. I have got a friend who is a part time teacher. Well, they all are part time. Are there any teachers in? Come on, its your own time you are wasting. Where the teachers? Give us a shout. The teachers What was it that first attracted you to… children? Not all teachers obviously that will be mental. But P.E teachers, They are Rongans. Do you know what P.E is short for? Paedo. It’s a fact. You can look that up. You know why so many American kids die in high school massacres? It’s cos they are not allowed to run in corridors. Take your time with that. That’s wrong on number of levels. I don’t know if you have notice this Birmingham. Its very difficult to get the first kiss right. You wanna be firm but gentle…. You wanna be manly…. You don’t wanna wake her up. First dates are very delicates. Anyone on first date this evening? Is anyone on first first date? No? – Yeah, yeah. On your own? Seems a little bit suspect, doesn’t it? “We are going somewhere very special.” Sorry, I realised women don’t masturbate You just expect us to believe You really enjoy baths. Well, good luck if you are on first date You see first dates are very delicate. Cause if you call her the next day She will think you are too keen She’ll be put off. If you never phone she’ll think the worst of you. So what I do is a compromise, I phone her the next day and call her a slag. Sometimes you can sense a friend wants to take things further. Will it ruin the friendship? Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think: “This doesn’t feel right you are my best friend.” You not even allowed on the couch. “Bad Dog, Down Boy.” Did I say, “Down Boy?” Ah, I have made it gay. I fucked a girl with one leg. Should have used my cock. You know, I realize this joke doesn’t require a mime. Its Saturday night in Birmingham. Come on! I said to my girlfriend, I said: “Do you wanna experiment with role play with rape fantasy?” She said: “No!” I said: “That’s the spirit!” Rape is such a horrible word its such a harsh brutal, awful word. Rape. That’s why I prefer to call it: “A struggle snuggle.” You couldn’t stay mad at a struggle snuggle. Could you? Bloody adorable. Now, I been a comedian now for about ten years. I been doing this for about ten years, I thought this year.. I thought this year I would try and get a bit better. Not a crazy idea right? One of things I was quite weak on was regional accents. Is anyone here good at regional accents? – AYE. You could barely say the word “Yes,” there so… You are not even good at talking, never mind accents. But I was no good at doing regional accents And its one of those things as a comedian. Its quite good if you could be good at regional accents. Cos it’s good for telling jokes. I thought well I Go away I do some research. This evening I would like to give you a master class in regional accents. Cause I have discovered the secret and secret is this. All you need is key phrase to get you started in regional Dialect and then you go on with it. Once you get started once you get it in your head you’re fine. But getting started can be tricky.
 So I would kick off with, I tell you what I’ll kick off with Scouse? Any Scouses in We have got Scouse over there? Where is the Scouse? Give us a shout. Don’t worry. We are not gonna take your benefits away. This is the phrase I use to do the Scouse accent. This is the phrase I have in my head to get me started in the Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “A can of coke.” “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Little head bubble just comes if you say it a few times. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Let’s make Scouses feel at home. Let’s every one, on 3 “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” OK? 1-2-3 – “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” Fantastic, Birmingham. Bloody well done. Obviously that’s just to get you started. Once you get started then you say something properly authentically Scouse. “I want some chicken and a can of coke.” “I’m going on the rob.” “I gotta get a presie.” “It’s me gran’s birthday.” “She is 30.”
 Anyone in from Belfast? You are Belfast? Where is Belfast? Hey Belfast. This is the phrase I use to get Belfast accent right. “Ginger and Community.” The terrifying stare is optional. But I find it helps. “Ginger and Community.” “Community” Has more syllables than you thought it had. OK, lets try every one, lets go Belfast. “Ginger and Community.” 1-2-3 – “Ginger and Community.” Perfect. You are now all qualified to say “There is a bomb in the car.”
 Roller Coaster, Pooper-Scooper, Umpa Lumpa, Kawasaki. Four unrelated words. Meaningless in all respects other than if you are trying to do the Geordie accent. In which case they are fucking gift “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. Kawasaki. Makes me happy. All together, Rolla Costa – “Rolla Coasta” “Poopa Scoopa” – “Poopa Scoopa” Umpa-lumpa. – “Umpa-lumpa.” Kawasaki. – “KAWASAKI.” Perfect.
 Are there any Geordies in? No. Presumably they are outside with their shirts off fighting. But I wonder what the fellas are up to?
 Welsh. Have we got any Welsh people in? – Yeah! My God we have got an army. I have discovered the secret to the Welsh accent isn’t so much a phrase. Its more a state of mind. To do a good Welsh accent you just gotta sound… Confused. “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Let’s all try. “Whose coat is that jacket?” – “Whose coat is that jacket?” “Whose shoes are those trainers?” – “Whose shoes are those trainers?” Perfect. “See those two houses… the one in the middle is mine.” “That paper you sitting on. Are you reading that?” “I came out of the shop and there was my bike, “Gone.”
 Anyone from Manchester? No one from Manchester? Accent is pretty easy for Manchester You just need three words. “Saw it.” “All right.” “Not Bad.” You know one of my best friend is from Manchester. He is called Ali. He was named after where he was conceived.
 Any Scottish people in? We got Scottish? Hello. You are living the stereotype, aren’t you love? Obviously for the Scottish accent. Probably the best phrase to use is “There’s been a murder!” Chances are, there’s probably fucking has been. Of course living in Scotland, the main benefits are: Unemployment and housing. See the Scouses here are perked up. Like a Chave meercat. There’s is a bit of drink problem in Scotland. I hope you don’t mind me saying? Up there, they think I’m a double act. And drunks. You wouldn’t believe the fucking drunks. Whereabouts Scotland you are form? Fort William? I don’t know where the fuck that is. What? What sorry? You got sort of accent that meets speech impediment I think. Lockness Monster? You introducing yourself? Sorry. Didn’t mean it. Sorry. But the drugs in.. Drugs in Scotland Up there a drug called metadone: I can’t believe its not heroin.”
 Think that the easiest accent in UK is the West Country. Cause the West Country is just a pirate voice. Isn’t? Who can’t do a fucking pirate voice? Arrrgh! I’m going on a date. With my sister. Hope my mummy doesn’t find out. I’m cheating on her. Are there people in from West Country? Hey there, Hi. Hello. I’m not being patronising. I just thought it will be a treat for you to see hand with five fingers. Look like that..
 Now what would be the phrase. You always gonna try and do the Birmingham accent What would be the phrase for Birmingham? All right? All right? Other Phrase that comes up a lot in Birmingham: “It’s fucking shitty.” “All right?” “It’s fucking shitty.” Any other phrases for Birmingham? What was that? That was all just vowels! What was it? have ya al right? have ya all right. Have you had a stroke? Said I shouldn’t really joke about stroke if I ever had a stroke I would be laughing at the other side of my face. Are there any other words? Any other key phrases for Birmingham? Ah what sorry? Cup of tea? How am ya? How am ya? How am ya? Poorly educated.
 Have we got any other exotic accents in the room? Any one from over seas or anywhere exciting? Anyone from UK that we have missed. Any other place in the UK – Jersey. Jersey? You haven’t got an accent, you tax dodging scum. Who knew there was that much anti-Jersey feeling? Simmering under. Finally some one said it! You are basically French, now fuck off. Has anyone got a different accents we haven’t covered. Essex? You Muggy MILF you Fucky Slag. Come on, Come on Fucking Slag I don’t know how they make Essex men. Presumably a man who fucks a chicken. They got a lot of that going on Any others? What, Sorry? Aussie? I can do Aussie…
 Yorkshire! Yorkshire? It’s 25 Pounds a ticket, i thought we priced you out Yorkshire? Yorkshire. Say what I like and I like what I bloody well say. Wicked, Tele, Froogle Cricket. My favourite Yorkshire phrase is “tin tin tin.” Which means: “It isn’t in the tin.” Tin tin tin. Tin tin tin.
 Where is Australian? Give us a shout Australian man. You still fucking there? Where are you? I can do Australian. Is it the Prime Minister or President. I can never remember. But I can Alaf from Home & Away. Which ever one he is. You are acting like a bloody hoon mate. Alarigan and prized Galaveer What ever the fuck a Galaveer is. Whereabouts in Australia you are from? Melbourne. So you weren’t affected by the flooding, were you? Is that why you sat so high up? “I’m not taking any fucking chances but” I mean people..You know. People lost every thing in the flooding. Cos they had forgotten to tie their Kangaroos down. Serious. People Drowned. And you wouldn’t have expected that. Cos they all were wearing hats with corks on.
 Any others? What? What was that one? You are Chinese? You don’t really sound Chinese Sir. I’ll be honest with you and I think if I did a Chinese accent now it would… It would smack a “Razy Lacism”. Oh That take you a long time innit? “Hang on, Hang on. Oh no. Got it” Any others? Jamaican? Jamaica? You know what my name is? You aware of this? Oh well this will be a treat for you. I would like every one in the room to say my name in Jamaican accent. 1-2-3. – JIMMY CARR. I’m “Jamaica.” Did he went: “Yeah.” Bombaclat. Apparently we got some bombaclat in. I don’t know. Hold on a bloody minute.
 Any others? Dublin? Where is the Dublin? Hello! You from Dublin? I saw documentary about your weddings I thought that was terrific That’s my fav.. You know I’m a plastic paddy. What they call a plastic paddy I got Irish parents, Irish passport, Born in Ireland But I speak and present myself in this way because I was raised and educated in home county’s which goes to show what you can do. When you apply yourself.
 Do you wanna hear my favourite Irish joke. Maybe only Irish people get this joke. I’ll tell you and see. What’s the difference between a riot and a gypsy weeding? You can’t buy a gate at a riot. Maybe that’s just an Irish thing I don’t know… Well, we’ll move on. Every year in my show I write some jokes that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed and this year is no exception. So what I thought I do right now is show you some of the pictures I have done to illustrate the next jokes. Do you wanna see them? – Yeah. Excellent news. Cause that is what happens next I had some ideas. I kick off with some ideas I have had a idea for a Rape Alarm that when you press it plays Benny Hill theme music. You know to make it more of a keeper. Some advice for you. The best way to test the temperature of bath is with the Baby’s elbow.     I had an idea how to proper par currency the Pound against Euro and the Dollar. What you do is you print new Pounds and this time the Queen is smiling. And if things get really bad… tits out your majesty. Lil joke for you. What would you get if you cross the Queen and prince Philip Killed in a tunnel. -Carr Killed by Fiat Driver- Too soon? Its been 14 years. Get over it. All right, Point taken. I’ll drop that from Royal Variety. I say that Prince Philip have already pissed himself. Although he is 82.He probably piss himself anyway. Some thoughts for you.
 When you think about it a Rhino is just a Unicorn that didn’t moisturise.
 Gillette. Gillette claims to be “The best a man can get”. What about a blow job from twins? Whatever happened to Jedwood? The speed men shaving adverts. If I shave to that kind of speed my balls are being shreds When I was told I was bipolar I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Friend’s of mine got OCD. For those of you that don’t know OCD is an abbreviation It’s just a shorter and quicker way of saying. I’d be a really annoying girlfriend. True Story. If all the veins in your body were laid out in straight line You would die. Let’s talk about some social issues.
 My neighbour is noisy and nosey. He is always banging on the walls shouting: “Is anyone there? I have fallen, is anyone there?” It’s none of your business, if anyone is here. Still he has gone quiet now.
 Childhood is now effectively over by 11. Which is when pubs close and uncle Terry gets home. Owh. Uncle Terry.
 I was traumatized as a child. Our Priest was cheating on me.
 I just want to reach out to people that have attempted suicide and say: “Come on, Have another go.”
 Keys to the city, That’s a weird thing. Keys to the city. Course they don’t have that in Liverpool do they? You just get given a coat hanger.
 As of fashion statements Socks with sandles says: I’m either a German, a paedophile or a cunt. Quite possibly… all three. Apologies to any paedophiles or cunts we have in. Its not gonna be any Germans… it’s a comedy gig. Health: Lets talk about health. Health is important. Isn’t it? I heard that because of women putting on so much weight during pregnancy Its a good idea to take off your weeding ring. So I did Posh Spice. Victoria Beckham. She is so thin she gotta be careful when she has a bath Cause if the water is to hot she could turn into stock Obese Children put a lot of strain on NHS. Not to mention See-Saws and swings You know if things carry on as they are it is predicted that in 40 years time the average toddler will be 43. I tell you what, let’s talk about religion, that could not possibly upset anyone If Jesus is the way and to be a Christian is be in Christ? Then, aren’t Christians just in the way? Jesus says he loves me but I worry about the age gap. Now you have notice out of deference and respect to our Lord and Saviour: Jesus Christ I have let him bum me.
 I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious. Feel the tension in the room… I have got a Muslim friend who is very religious, he knows the Quran backwards. Which is handy cause that’s how you read it. Surprisingly well informed and inoffensive joke about Islamic faith. And that’s because I’m not a fucking idiot. What the Christians gonna do? Forgive me? Good luck with that.
 Speaking of Christians any Catholics in? A few Catholics. Catholics are a weird bunch. Look at the Rosary. Basically anal beads. Thank you very much. Excellent. Now I think next thing for me career wise Ladies and Gentleman will be doing some sort of interview show where I talk to people. You know this kind of set up. Couple of chairs. You face off against each other. Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Graham Norton. Those kind of shows. That would be great to get but you can’t just start doing that on TV like day one. That would be tricky. So I thought what I would do on this tour is practice. Get some one out in the audience every night with an interesting job or a claim to fame and interview them and get a bit of practice with the interviewing. So to that end, does anyone have an interesting job or a claim to fame? Oh go on, your hand goes straight up, what do you do? You are on TV in Poland. I will take that to mean, you work in adult film business. You been on Polish TV. That’s a claim to fame well done you. And Polish Radio. Well Finally. That fucking sealed the deal. Ok. Any other claims to fame, Interesting jobs? Any other? It could be from anywhere. You are a priest. Who is a priest? You are a priest? I’m looking at you. I think you might had some dealing with priests. Just stand up, just for a second. Turn around so that people can see you. You see, I mean, am I… am I being cynical? Cause he is definitely not a fucking priest. Any other interesting jobs? What sorry? – I own my own pizza shop. You own your own pizza shop. Is that a fucking job for yourself. “I own me own Pizza Shop.” There is a massive problem with obesity in this country, you should be fucking ashamed. Pizza, well done!! And best Pizza you say? – Voted best pizza in Britain. Voted best pizza in Britain by….. You? Best independent Pizza Co…. I didn’t care the first time. Any other unusual jobs or claims to fame? – I’m a funeral director You are what? – Funeral Director. A Funeral director.. Love.. Your voice couldn’t go any better with your job “He is fucking dead.” “How am ya?” “Dead” “Its fucking shitty” A funeral director, That’s interesting.. I mean as a job that’s fascinating. Any other interesting jobs? What’s your name? Caroline, What you do Caroline? You work in T.V. What do you do in T.V.? You work on what, sorry? You work on Holby City. Well done. I love it. I Love what you have done with Holby City. I think the fucking genius move with Holby City was casting Hugh Lauriho, and changing the location to America. Well done you. I think we should talk to the Funeral… Should we talk to the funeral director? Funeral director. What are the chances of you getting down here. Don’t fucking jump or we would have to bury you. Make your way down to here then we can talk to funeral director. That sounds exciting While he is making his way down… Yeah give him, give him a smash While he is making his way down cause its a big old venue, it’ll take him a minute.
 Any other claims to fame in the room any other exciting… You are what? You are a palaeontologist? In Birmingham? In any case if Dinosaur.. Its dinosaur bones, yes? And you look at those not just dinosaur, have you got any part time job in Aztec? What else do you look at? Different fossils. WOW! Palaeontology is brilliant wonderful scientific thing to do. I did a project on Dinosaurs when I was six. I loved it. I was very excited, I did lot of pictures and I stuck them in and I did a whole project on Dinosaurs and I love them. And then what I did, and – this is an interesting note to you – I grew up. Still doing my Dinosaur book, I like it. Rrraaa! I will indulge you.. What’s your favourite Dinosaur? Velociraptor. Because of Jurassic Park. Ah, But you might as well have said Barney Grow up.
 Where the fuck has this undertaker gone? I’m starting to worry that there has been a death in the village and he’s been called away Where the fuck is he? Where the fucking hell did you come from? Come and say Hello! You are a funeral director. Hello, How are you? Come and say hello. Right, how are you Sir? Have a sit down. I’m all right. What’s your…. Sorry, how am Ya? …………. OK. You are not a gangster rapper. Just hold that like…. Hold that like a normal human being. What’s your name? I didn’t even get your name. John! John, OK. Well I will set this up properly. Hello, my name is Jimmy Carr and I’m joined this evening by John The Funeral director from Birmingham. John, tell us sir, what is your… What is your average day? Involve making coffins and doing funerals. Doing Funerals? Yeah, yeah, “making coffins”. Yeah, yeah, collecting deceased, I’m slightly terrified by you. How do you… So you collect the body? In a hearse or? Just the back of transit? In the private ambulance. Sort of like a transit but a bit more sophisticated. Bit more sophisticated. When you say “private ambulance”, is it just a transit with ambulance written on it in paint , in dirt? Not really, Not quite like that. So you go and collect them from the.. So you have to turn up all kind of you know in black suit and stuff? Do you? Yeah, yeah, that’s why I’m sitting here and nobody recognizes me. They are not gonna recognize you anyway cause they are dead That’s probably…. I just.. I can’t believe I’m here with you. Nice one.. This is unreal. Must be lovely to meet some one who is still breathing. Lovely fucking change for you. Do you get involved in the embarming? Not so much now. When I first started I had a bit you know, I had with that stuff, but not so much now. I been doing it for years. Sorry, so “not so much now” sounds like there was an incident that stopped you from doing it. Nah Nah Nah Sounds like, well hang on get away from there I tend not to.. Do much with the bodies any more If that’s.. That’s the right thing to say. You don’t do so much with the bodies now? No No. I’m more to do with coffins and funerals. Now you work in this industry. Is there any…Now necrophilia is something that is talked about. I’m only asking Cos, because people think they are gonna get away with it. But ultimately you know, they’d get caught cos some rotten cunt will spilt on them. It’s my necrophilia joke everyone. You are welcome, I haven’t been caught yet. You haven’t been caught Do you know any of my favourite, like funeral joke? Not undertaker joke. I don’t know if it like based on the true thing. You might even know this even. There, there.. Old lady, beautiful nice old lady her husband died, she goes to the funeral parlour or where you work She was talking to the guy that does your job and he says:He is beautifully laid out That classic sort of thing always: “Never looked better, Looks lovely But” “I wanted him to be in his blue suit, and you got him in brown suit” “Could you put him in his blue suit, I mean his brown suit” and guy says: “Not a problem madam” and then leans out on door and goes “Change the heads on two and four” Cos presumably once you burying them Do things get stopped Do people get buried with jewellery? Na na nothing like that. Its a nice watch man Just so you live in Birmingham? Just outside Birmingham. Black Country. Black country in a Black Country. Racist That’s an interesting thing. How did you get into being a… I did my work experience when I was in school You did your work experience Yeah yeah Sounds like you turned up to that meeting late What’s left sir? Well you are gonna be working with corpses That’s quite a cool thing. Isn’t? Sure Has anyone ever woken up? No. Cos you hear stories about something to do with fluids in spine You hear stories about people kind of bolt up right Oh never, Never Nothing like that Nothing like that.You just position them How you want your own way John You come up with the thing you like I think its an interesting thing to do It a lifeless ordeal to work as funeral director kind of corpses and things And death you gotta deal with it. Part of life Whatever I feel, I should give something back and the thing I’m good at is writing jokes. I’m good at doing one liners so I would like to do A joke for you about any.. Its sort of like.. It’s what I can do. What I can offer the world is jokes. So what would you like a joke about? Could be anything at all. Could be funeral directing could be getting married, Could be anything you want Anything at all. I will write a joke of the top of my head just really quick Drum and bass Music. Why did.. Why did the Lion get lost in the forest I don’t know Because Jungle is massive. I think.. I think that was too easy I think that was too easy a thing Why don’t you go for something else. Something more difficult. Anything at all Motor Bikes All right OK.OK two motorcycle guys Bikers Like Hells Angels Bikers. Two Guys massive Bikes Walk into a bar. They are all in Holy Debs and kit Whatever Helmets on. Walk into a bar. Barman sees them coming. Bar man Goes: “Drinks, Gentlemen?” And the Bikers go: Cos, its two of them That’s pretty good though. Time out, Could you just…. John, This is not like a set up thing? I don’t know you right? So off the top of my head you said Bikers you could’ve said anything Motor Bikes and I did Bikers and off the top.. Two of them and then.. Brilliant. John every one. Give him round of applause Thank you so much Really appreciate coming out man. Thank you so much. John everyone I very much enjoyed my brilliant motor bike joke There was no joke there John We were just fucking with you He is the nicest man. I hope when I die he buries me Don’t interfere John Leave that alone I didn’t like it when I was alive Right, More of me My Girlfriend said to me during sex She said: “Did you remember to lock the front door?” I said: ” yeah, There is no way you gonna escape” I had a relationship with a blind girl Which was rewarding but challenging. It took me ages to Get her husband’s voice right. You didn’t see that coming Neither did she… Who picks up guide dog’s shit? Some young women drink so much they black out And can’t remember what happened the night before If that’s you, Don’t worry Love I made a video I shouldn’t joke. my grand dad was an alcoholic We used to call him “Alcho Pops” I remember I used to press flowers Well I say they used to fall over a lot in the garden Have you been to cinema recently? has anyone been to cinema? There is an advert now in cinema telling you not to buy pirate DVDs Because its not the real cinema experience And it goes on to say, because if you buy a pirate DvD Someone might get up in the middle of film And go for a piss and you think, Yeah that is annoying But its a lot like being in the cinema My ex girlfriend bought me the Kamasutra last year as a gift Which put me in very awkward position. I would like to talk about a sex act that i don’t fully understand Are you all familiar with the 69 Yes? I like the 69 as much as the next man Hoping that isn’t a man that would be terrible. I like the 69 but I don’t really understand it because its incredibly intimate thing to do with another human being But how does 69 ever occurred Only ever happens when the man says to woman “Would you do that thing that I like?” And woman goes all right “but only if you do the thing that I like” Not a problem there you go And the woman says: No because the last time I did the thing that you liked You were little bit sleepy afterwards You fucked off to sleep. You said we’d call it 68. It’s like the 69 but I owe you one I like every thing about 69 apart from the view. The Paraneium or tint I like to call it the Amanda Holden. Because Like Amanda Holden, on Britain got talent last year Its the bit between ass hole and cunt Piers fucking Morgan. He is interviewing people now When I said I wanted Piers Morgan to get Parkinson’s, I didn’t mean his fucking job You shaking your head at Parkinson’s joke That’s inappropriate. All right lets try some rude stuff see how we get along. Lady wind Queefing Fanny Farts The Expulsion of air from Vajayjay during sexual intercourse A Cunt Grunt There are two main responses when a queef occurs. Some couples it doesn’t matter how gnarly and squishy the noise They deny the queef. Did you hear anything? No I didn’t hear anything And they move on Some couples its a funny little noise They’ll have a little giggle they move on Not a problem. I like to go on a third way I like to pretend that vagina is talking to me. What’s that? “there’s a boy trapped down in a well” I like to think of myself as The Vagina Whisperer. What happened? Did you get a phone call? This Scottish lady got a phone call I imagine drugs are arriving any minute You all right? You switched it off and it rang anyway Ah well, I’m not buying that fucking story Don’t worry. It’s OK. Its only a phone Don’t feel bad Oh sorry, Its a late alarm to come and see me Come and see me that I’m fucking late. You are not the one that I booked for the interval? Are ya? Its very difficult to get the dirty talk right. Have you noticed this? Its very difficult to get dirty talk right like in long term relationship its fine. Because you know where your boundaries are and you know your partner but on a one night stand fraught with danger I’ve got a story concerning a friend of mine He is quite good at pulling We were all at a party together and he pulled a girl that none of us knew. Ended up back at her place having sex well done him. High Five He told us the story the next day he said she started it They were having sex She said: “Talk dirty to me” Or more accurately: “Talk dirty to me” So from the Rolodex of filth in his head he came forth with this. And this would be fine for many of the ladies here. Within the confines of bedroom. Within the boudoir this would be an ok thing to say. With the long term loving trusting partner One a one night stand, Maybe not He said: “You love it you slut.” She said: ” I’m not a slut.” And that was a very awkward moment. Awkward as moments can be When you just insulted some one you are balls deep in He apologised profusely needless to say and they moved on. I imagine there’s a story there Madam. Well you know how you got a phrase you are not meant to say, Its all You could think to say. It’s on the tip of your tongue So like two minutes later my friend he somehow lost track of he wasn’t meant to say Says it again “You love it you slut.” She said:” I’m not a slut” And he got into an argument with her he didn’t mean to. It was like a reflex When she said: “I’m not a slut” for the second time. He went: “We have just met” She said: You don’t know me. He said: “But that just proves my point.” Are there any couples in this evening? Give us a shout, the couples. – YEAH uh, Lots of couples in tonight This is a bit silly I think, uh But for valentine I got my girlfriend sex vouchers as her present I didn’t realise they were transferable. Turns out they accept them at Whole Work. You get to the stage in long term relationship where you wanna experiment sexually But you know it could be awkward and.. And what if she finds out I’m ten years being into a relationship now Any one beat that longer than ten years? – Yes What’s the longest we got in the room? 13? 26. Any one more than 26? 28. More than 28? For how long? Sorry? You been married together for 43 years? I think come on; 43 years. Now I obviously, I don’t know what’s its like after 43 years I think that’s an extraordinary commitment. Specially in this day and age. That’s quite something I don’t know if its same for you but I have been with my girlfriend for 10 years Things have got quite predictable in the bedroom Now when I lower my entire bowl bag into her mouth She is pretty much guaranteed to wake up. Same? You could see that he just went: “Yes I,,” You look worried on their behalf they have been married 43 years. Don’t panic They have tried everything. What’s your relationship with them? How do you know them? That’s your mum and dad? That’s nice Well I hope that image of your dad tea-bagging your mum hasn’t… I hope, I for one… I don’t know about looking your parents in eyes again. I don’t think you’ll Be able to drink tea. Hi! Shit, Sorry This would be hard for you to believe I used to be a gentleman I didn’t use to talk about my sexual exploits even with my close friends Never Kiss and tell ALways keep it you know, keep it private Private life for a reason is private Now, I will talk about anything It’s great for me because its catharsis But also, I think its good for everyone Cos you talk about things everyone feels a bit more open and Bit more normal Cos you know there are weird things. Here is an example of an intimate detail i don’t mind sharing with you My girlfriend can’t have orgasms during intercourse But its not a problem Because, I … Can. I gave my girlfriend an orgasm and she spat it back in my face. When my first girlfriend choke to death. It was a terrible blow. I had to finish myself off.     There are inequalities between the sexes and I think its universally acknowledged Men get an easier deal in our society than women I can think of an example Where men get a very rude deal You know early on in a relationship before you live together When you Just kind of staying over in each other houses. Very exciting phase in a relationship In the history of the world No man has ever been staying over a girl’s house And found a vibrator in her bedside drawer and there’s been a problem. There is only one reaction on record and That is as follows: “Owh! Hello!” Cheeky What she like But when she finds latex vagina in your socks drawer There is hell to pay. Explanations must be made I say sock drawer, Actually its the Office I say latex vagina it was the receptionist All right let’s hear from men of Birmingham. Give us shout The Men? – YEAH Specifically give me shout, the heterosexual men of Birmingham -YEAH. Same voices just a little bit lower Have you all.. Had you had the conversation the pub conversation, The classic pub conversation If you had to sleep with a man who would it be? You had that conversation? You had that conversation? You haven’t have that conversation? I’ll save you the embarrassment sir, I tell you what happens in that conversation. So you are in the pub with a mate having a drink talking about love and life, Whatever Out of nowhere, you mate goes: “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “Well if you had to who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t so it won’t be any one” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t So no one.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “If you had to though?” “Well, I wouldn’t though, So no one.” “If you had to sleep with a man who would it be?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well, I wouldn’t.” “But if you had to?” “Well…” “Puff!” I got accused of being gay the other night. I was on stage doing a gig And I had a pink shirt on. Someone accused me of being gay. Gay.. Gay Shirt, Pink Shirt.. Gay. I can’t think of a more masculine colour for a shirt than a pink shirt Cos A pink shirt shows the world you don’t know how to put a wash on. What could be more masculine? I often get asked: What celebrities have you been with? Have you slept with? I don’t wanna give it the biggin, It was years ago so, Probably it doesn’t matter if I say Do you wanna know? – YEAH. Gary Glitter. Have any of you seen my impressions? Have you seen my impressions before? I don’t do many. I do a few umm I’d do one one for you now. Are there any lesbians in? Does any one enjoys smashing pastis? No? Are there any lesbians? There must be some lesbian surely. What? Is there pool tournament on? Where are the lesbians? you up there somewhere? There are some lesbians up there. Hello girls how are you? You all right? Very nice to have you in. The impression that I do Its more like piece of physical theatre than impression per say but its the… Hang on cameraman is coming to get the lesbians. Its more a piece of physical theatre than an impression But actually its breakup of same sex relationship between two women. And I think it captures the emotional turmoil and the anguish when love breaks down. When you still love that person but you no longer in love with that person. You gotta go you separate ways. Would you like to perform me for you now? OK Just gimme.. Gimme a second. What did you think was gonna happen? I feel duty bound now.
 What’s your name madam? What? Cheralle? OK Fine, Cheralle. Who are you with? Who is the other half? Rosie. Hi. I feel duty bound to ask you the question I have asked every lesbian I ever met. What would it take to get you back on solids? Oh, I got a maybe, Yes I’m two Bacardi Breezers away. Come on. I often get asked about hackles, That’s a very common question for me. People wanna know what’s your favourite hackle, what’s the worst hackle, That kind of thing I was doing a gig last year. On Rapier Wit tour. The last tour I was doing a joke about Paralympics. Now, when you are doing a joke about Paralympics you gotta be a little bit careful when you are setting up a piece of material like that. That you are not fuck witted, disrespectful. So I was setting up quite carefully, I got one sentence in. All I said was: “My favourite event of the Paralympics.” This guy at the back of the room quick as a fucking flash went: “Cripple Jump.” I wish I hadn’t but i fucking pissed myself. The other one I loved. I was doing a gig last year in Cardiff and front row centre where you sitting madam, out of nowhere, 20 mins into gig he just went “Dragon”. So there was not massive pause before he said “Dragon”. It was just to let you know what happened there. In my head I had to go: “Whose coat is that jacket.” To get you started in the head. 20 minutes in and he just went “Dragon” I went: “What?” He went: “Dragon”. I know but what you want. He went: “I would like a joke about dragon please.” And he said it like I was the cunt for turning up in Wales without any dragon based humour. So in the interval I felt duty bound to go and write a joke about a dragon. Do you wanna hear my dragon joke? – YES
 Ok. Two dragons walk into a pub Don’t panic Johnnie, Makes sense “Brilliant.” Oh I love John. I’m just imagining a funeral.. You know What do they call it when funeral.. and the cars Precession yeah. Funeral precession with drum and bass Has your Hearse got blue lights underneath it? I think that would look quite good like it was haunted. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other: “It’s hot in here” The other one says: “Shut your mouth.” Now I thought what we might do this evening Birmingham. Obviously You have all come out to see the show this evening. I’m very grateful for that. I love my job I love the fact that you came out to see me live. But we are also friends here And you have bought tickets to come and see me at the show So I tend not to get hackled in the way like I used to get hackled When I used to play the clubs When you used to play the clubs you are unannounced, You know the venue was bigger than the name So people would come along they wouldn’t be invested If they didn’t like it they would shout rude things out I used to love that, Proper aggressive hackling I thought why don’t we .. Cos people tend not to do it at these kind of gigs. Cos People don’t wanna fuck up the evening for themselves or for anyone else. Hold your horses just one second. People tend.. One notable exception People tend not to wanna fuck the gig up. But I thought it’s quite nice, It’s quite a fun thing, hackle So why don’t we have a hackle amnesty? Little Two three minutes, Where you can just fill your boots If you got something abusive to shout Have at it – Cunt, Fuck Bum. Have you actually got Tourettes? That was fas.. so quick Cunt, Fuck Bum Fuck Bum, That’s a weird thing to shout Fuck Bum Like the rudest words you know Fuck Cunt Bum Any other hackles? What? Sorry? Peter Kaye was sold out so you had to come here. Ah! Unlucky! I bet he wouldn’t have called you a cunt. Unfortunately I’m not Peter Kay. Cunt. It’s very different kind of show Peter’s show is good too Any other hackles? My crisps tasted rubbish? Oh no, you didn’t. Oh no, you didn’t. I became Latino there for a second. “No you didn’t” Did you see.. I had crisps Jimmy Con Carne crisps The good people of Walkers for comic relief They Brought out flavour of my crisps It was me and Al Murray, Frank Skinner and Stephen Fry. And then they made these crisps and every packet they Sold, They gave five pence to the starving people in Africa. I said to them: “Why don’t you just send them the fucking crisps?” It got to be make more sense. Isn’t? Cos they can’t be as fussy about the flavours. If you’re starving you’re fine aren’t you? No these are bit.. Nah fair enough. Any other hackles? When’s the comedy on? When’s the comedy on… Really? What’s your name sir? – Ah! Can’t remember. What’s your name? – David. David? What’s your favourite colour, David? – Blue. Blue. OK. Seems like the fairest way to deal with you David. There are so many things I could say Number between 1 and 8 David? – SIX Six. And you said to me: “When’s the comedy on?” It says if you want my “Cum back” You’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. These… These things don’t lie David. These things don’t lie. I’m kidding. She swallowed the lot. Any others? What sorry? I have got a big nose? What are you.. Fucking retarded? I mean, I literally don’t have a big nose. That’s like a weird… It’s like an insult you heard someone else used “That got a big fucking laugh.” That’s gonna work with the comic with the big nose. What’s your name , Sir? Thomas? What do you do, Thomas? You’re a student? What are you studying? Mathematics? Are you at school, Thomas? I don’t know we should continue this any further Cos it started to feel like grooming. You at school? “Yeah, I am at school.” “You got a big nose” I haven’t. Any other hackles? Oh what was that? That sounded good. what was that? What was it? I’m a Paedophile? I was just fucking chatting to him. I have done nothing. Any others? – Jimmy! Yes? – I fucked your mum. Dad? Any other hackles? What, sorry? Posh Prick Posh Prick seems a bit harsh. What’s your name , Sir? Miles. Miles. You think I might be a bit posh. All right Miles, What’s your favourite colour? Blue. Seems like the fairest way to deal with this B-L-U-E Number between 1 and 8 Miles. Four. hmm Says: “If you have come as a cunt you have won.” Pretty good news. Any more for any more? Who the fuck has the side party? You gonna kick yourself when I tell ya: Me… I think you know your doctor isn’t great If the STI check is a taste check My girlfriend used to smoke after sex. So we started using lubricant. I was with a girl and she said: “I want this night to be magical.” And it was After I fucked her, I disappeared I got into an argument with my ex. and in the middle of argument she went: “What kind of idiot you take me for?” I couldn’t resist, I went: “A fat one.” In my defence she was fat. She didn’t get sun tan. She got crackling. She was legally required to make a beeping noise when moving backwards. She wasn’t that big when we got together but she Bloomed. I mean I have seen girls put on weight before. But she took the biscuit. On the plus side… Just a nicer way of saying it. I quite like the euphemism. Of course the classic euphemism if someone is gay, Instead of saying gay You would say, He is a friend of Dorthie’s If some is very fat, I like to say: “He is friend of Greg’s.” I had a super awkward moment on stage recently So I was on stage doing gig, I said: “Any questions?” And someone went: “Are you gonna have any children” I said: ” I don’t wanna make you feel bad about asking, But My girlfriend and I” “Actually can’t have Children” … The way we do it. Now he is trying the other way Cos you can’t get pregnant in mouth either. Are there any parents in? Give us a shout parents. Has anyone got parents? You had to think about that You are an idiot. Only point about parents is all parents have got a favourite. If your parents told you they didn’t have a favourite. All it mean is “You weren’t it.” Unless you are an only child. If you are an only child and your parents went out to tell you. They didn’t have any favourite. That is bad With her last child Angelina Jolie had a very difficult delivery. She wasn’t in there to pick it up from sorting office. In a long term relationship its important to be a good listener I think she’s asleep. I might pop down stairs for a wank. Are you familiar with the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? You heard the phrase “Fuck Buddy”? Yes? – YES I have got a friend that didn’t know what that meant, I used it in a conversation and he didn’t know what it meant I had to explain what a Fuck Buddy was I said: ” it was like a friend you have regular sex with.” He said: “How is that different from a normal relationship?” I said: “That you are friend….” “… and you have regular sex with him” “Its like the opposite of the normal relationship” I found out that the hard way There is a big difference between hanging out with a mate’s girlfriend And hanging out off a mate’s girlfriend Its a lovely term of phrase I can get a job on Sky Sports I have got into an argument with my girlfriend She said: “You treat this house like a hotel” I said: ” I have never snorted cocaine off the hooker tits in this house” I told my girlfriend that top she was wearing was too revealing She said: “Jimmy sometimes cries after sex.” We got into a row… You would be familiar with this if you are in a long term relationship This is kind of scenario for a row That I think happens a lot We got into a fight on the way back from a party So we went to this amazing party. It’s about 2:30 in the morning. We are driving home So I’m driving. I haven’t had anything to drink, Stone cold sober driving. She’s had quite a lot to drink. I mean in terms of units of alcohol She had an awful lot to drink But she is not drunk and I know she is not drunk I know she is not drunk Because she told me she wasn’t drunk Four hundred fucking times You know like sober people don’t Worst thing about this argument I didn’t even say anything someone else Said something and she was talking about that And I just agreed with the the fact that other person said And it was a fact. It wasn’t a point for debate, it was a fact So driving along right, She is talking a lot I’m listening a little OK My Bad But she is telling me abou the evening in real time And I was there for most of it so I don’t need to be hearing this A lot of stories involve me So driving along She tells me the story.. She got to a point This mutual friend of ours This girl that we both know. She said: “That girl, That girl said that my dress was short” I went: “Yeah it is.” “You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go with her to party?” “Why don’t you drive her home?” It was.. Sure.. It was really short I mean it was what I would call a Grey hound. You call it a grey hound? Or just an inch away from there? It was a really short skirt. So like I went: It is short Yeah. She went: “Uh, You taking her side?” “Why don’t you go back to party and drive her home if you fancy her so much” “Do you mind me saying I got fat legs.” Suddenly fucking Chubaca is in the car “………….” What the fuck.. she is just snorting Next thing I know like within 20 seconds she is pulling on the car door We are doing 40Miles an hour in the middle of nowhere 2:30 in the morning She is going: “I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” Trying to open the car door. She is opening it.. She is not wearing the seat belt, Cos she is pissed Opening the car door, Safer.. Um, Opening the car door… I had to stop the car. This is dangerous. Right? So as soon as I stop the car she fucks off out immediately Teetering on heels up the road. No coat, no money, no keys, no idea where she is fucking going “I’d walk home, I’d walk home.You don’t need a fucking girl, I’d walk home” “I’d walk home” . ” I’d walk home” So I had to do the dutiful boyfriend thing of driving along 4 fucking miles an hour “Come on get back in the car” “Its all my fault” It’s not my fault. I haven’t done fuck all here. Come on get back in the car, I will buy you chips. Please just get back in the car. Anyway, Long story short I got arrested for Curve Prowling. I don’t know about you but I think the best thing about a big passionate argument Is tumbling into bed together afterwards And lying in cold grim silence until dawn. Are you asleep? ” I can’t asleep I’m too full of hate.” Any fans of make up sex in? Anyone had a good make-up sex? Give us a shout. Yes – YES! Make up sex is pretty awesome but timing is critical Cos if you go over excited you go for make up sex too early And argument still happening, That is a little bit rapey Let’s hear from ladies of Birmingham. Give us a shout ladies? You have sounded very good spirits Do you think you are easy to live with Ladies? – YES The vast majority said “Yes” This is gonna be educational and informative. I’m gonna tell you how easy you are to live with ladies. I’m gonna do it with a couple of questions. OK? Have you ever met a gay man? – YES! Have you ever noticed how happy homosexual men are? How joyful and carefree and full of life. “We are going dancing!. Bacardi Breezers! Ha yeah!” Well that’s what we were like before we met you. Interesting little fact for you: 3% of all new homes are built specifically for pensioners. And they are called coffins. My grandmother, I loved her to death… Smothered. I’m joking, I fucked her. Now I don’t normally do political stuff on my stage show on the tour But I saw something that caught my eye recently. It was in Croydon. Any one in here from Croydon? One person down there hope you are having a night of crime Sorry nice tie, My bad So it was this thing. It happened in Croydon. I saw it a local paper down in Croydon. and it was a BNP campaign Are you familiar with this carnival of cunts? It was British National Party campaigner was handing out leaflets In Croydon high street And you know when people are handing out leaflets. I mean how the got leaflets in Croydon high street for the BNP. is the Everest of stupid. Needless to say. But he is.. He is handing out these leaflets You know sometime you don’t look at leaflet When you are in high street. You just pick it up and kinda of take it and couple of steps before you look at the thing So i just picked the leaflet Oh, British National Party, That’s interesting. “Bam” And properly connected with a punch Nope I’m not advocating violence. Never solved anything But on this occasion I would let it go because he gave BNP campaigner a black eye And that is pretty genius. Cause for that fucker that is adding insult to injury. A lot of planning is going on in London for 2012 Olympics. Sadly most of it is done by AL-Qaida. I just don’t understand it. Why would you become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber? On the off chance You might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a catholic priest and have them now. Life is for living. Am I right?
 My favourite suicide bomber of last year… Oh you are better than me. Cos you haven’t got a list. Whatever! Um.. My favourite suicide bomber.. Oh well I have got a couple that I really liked. The Detroit bomber.. Do you know this guy that flew into Detroit last Christmas? So he flew into Detroit airport and he had an explosive device in his underpants. The triggering device went off. The explosives did not detonate. So there was smoke blowing around but everything didn’t blow up straight away.. Just smoke blowing. So the other passengers you can imagine in America post 9/11 how they put him out. They didn’t run and get a safety blanket and some water and a stewardess. No. They stamped the fucker out. It quite a camp Flamenco style id if this is anything to go. Possibly with a…. But I mean they fucking ruined this guy They didn’t kill him but they ruined him. Now, normally I would say: “Well, you know what, fuck him.” He was trying to kill innocent people as they flew home for Christmas. Fuck him very much. But my heart goes out for this guy. Cos his court case is coming up in America in the next couple of months And he is gonna have a very tough time in Court of law defending himself Cos the prosecution has got it so easy. The persecution are just gonna go You telling the truth? Yeah I’m telling the truth “Were your pants on fire?”
 My favourite suicide bomber though He was an assassin suicide bomber. In the United Arab Emirates. OK? He was sent to kill one man. He didn’t. He just killed himself. Technically a win for them but I’m very happy with that. OK. So he was sent to kill this guy and in order to get close to the guy he was gonna Try and kill he had to conceal the bomb He had the bomb concealed.. Wait for it… Up his bum Literally a: “Suicide bummer.” I mean if are gonna start putting bombs up their bums The shit is really gonna hit the fan. Now I don’t know how that bomb was detonated But I like to think in this Day and age, Even someone as fuck witted as a suicide bomber even someone that morally retarded would have seen the opportunity for comedy in that situation And that bomb up his bum would have been detonated something along the lines of “Pull my finger.” And the passers by went: “What did he have for lunch?” Oh I have got some more pictures. Do you wanna see some more pictures? – YES. -Let’s see some more pictures. I was gonna talk to you briefly about sports Ladies and Gentlemen Chinese gymnast Lu Li Is the smallest person ever to have taken part in the Olympic games Lu Li which is 4feet 3 inches tall Wow Wee… Was the second smallest Ice dancing. Of course Ice dancing won’t be around. Any fans of ice dancing in? Ice dancing of course won’t be around ever because of global warming And AIDS. Snooker and Dance: Snooker and dance have seen their viewing figures Steadily decline since the introduction in 1983 Of remote controls
 Just 22% of Liverpool fans reside in Liverpool The rest are on remand in other cities
 Wayne Rooney. He is not as clever as he looks
 Let’s talk about technology. Stephen Hawking. Stephen Hawking is sort of half man half computer I bet when he dies, Its a virus He has got medical insurance and Norton.
 In America they are called Astronauts In Russia they are called Cosmonauts And in Britain they are called balloonists
 The greatest ride at Disney Is the girl that works in the Topy apple kiosk
 Pornography. I’ll come to that later.. If you pardon the expression. And the expression of course would be of turtle shitting.     The thing with internet porn is that it still has the power to surprise us. I saw something on internet the other day that really shocked me. It was one man having sex with one woman There was no gang-bang , no DP , No Anal, No Dwarves No Three way, No Water sports, No Girl on Girl ,No Gagging, No Rimming No Granny Fanny No DV No DA No Shemales, No MIlfs No one looked barely Legal. It was just one man having sex with one woman I thought: “Who comes up with this crazy Shit” Let’s talk about sex. Adult supervision To me Adult supervision sounds like the ability to see through bras.
 The average speed of ejaculation is 43 Miles/hour Which is why it is so important to keep it away from children 20 is plenty Around children you got to be very careful with the language you use for example Say fiddle sticks instead of vibrators
 I don’t think lesbians should be allowed to use vibrators You have made your decision No more sitting on the fence Either.
 Hermaphrodites …Can go and fuck themselves.
 A Transvestite is man who dresses to look like a woman And woman they dress to look like is Jane McDonald. Someone told my girlfriend they best way to improve oral sex was to hum. All I’m saying is theme from Corrie is not erotic Anal sex for women is like Marmite It’s brown and it smells funny. Condoms come in packs of three Ideal for married couples cause its Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine I don’t think you should ever treat your woman as a sex object but I do Think you should give her rinse after you have used her You don’t agree? You rather be left looking like a plaster’s radio
 My girlfriend has got a cleanliness problem downstairs Kitchen is a fucking state I’m joking. She actually got a viralin yeast infection in her vagina Let’s talk about relationships. The last relationship I had I ruined By blurting out: “I love you” too early Which gave away the fact I was hiding behind the curtains
 People often ask me about the most embarrassing moment its probably When I was first introduced to my girlfriend’s parents I remember my girlfriend saying: ” There’s the bad man there”
 I don’t like the term “Partner” Cause it makes you sound like we are fighting crime
 I don’t like the term housewife also, Stay at home mum I prefer to say: “Lazy Sluts.”
 My girlfriend says she is good at doing two things at same time. If that’s the case.. Why is the threesome out of the question Don’t judge me I improvised Not that bad it has got a face
 I often walk around the house naked Until the neighbour chase me inside
 Some friends of mine just had a baby but because of some issues They had to use a surrogate mother And because of medical Thing they had to use a sperm donor So really what I’m saying is Some people I don’t know just had a baby
 One of the symptoms of having conjunctivitis is When you wake up in the morning Your eyes are so sticky you could hardly open them My girlfriend has it a lot. Sometimes she gets conjunctivitis on her tits
 Right, Final one of these. This is my favourite joke in the show I’m gonna try not to fuck it up but I slightly Fucked it up last night because I giggled half way through I’m gonna dig deep for Birmingham. Come on. OK. I can do this When I broke up with my first wife I didn’t want anything from her in settlement Except a pint of milk, Four egg yolks, Vanilla pod An ounce of caster sugar and two fluid ounces of Single cream She mixed the whole up in the bowl and she threw it at my face On the plus side, I did get custardy. (custody)
 Thanks very much I think civil partnerships are gay
 Apparently one of the biggest fear is the unknown like… I don’t know
 Apparently taking the dog for a walk is a good way to find a woman But what if you wanna find a woman who is still alive
 Did you read this, Did you read about this American man that is suing his ex-wife to Get back the kidney he donated to her while they were married That is taking the piss
 My father always used to say to me: “There is no such word as cunt” I said: “No, I called you a cunt.”
 People claim to be into recycling But you should see their faces when rinse out a condom
 I do a little bit of baking. Anyone into baking cookies and cakes and things? I do a bit of baking my speciality is A brownie with nuts which I call a Scout. Come on, Where is your sense of fun
 Do you get annoyed by cold callers You know on an evening You’re at home relaxing after hard day at work watching TV, flicking through magazine The phone rings its a strange voice you don’t recognize, Talking about something you’re not interested in Oh Mr. Jimmy I have your baby now you send money quick. You bad man Fuck off
 Do you get this , Do you get the public private phone call problem So this is when you are at work surrounded by colleagues Or in the pub surrounded by friends You get a phone call of your other half And the end of phone call they say something That You’d normally say something back Is like your thing but you don’t wanna say it cause its people around and is bit embarrassing So the end of the phone call goes All right, Bye You know I do There’s people around I don’t want to Don’t be like that. All right, I will say it I wanna choke you with my cock. A charity worker came to my front door And they were collecting for a homeless shelter So I gave him a card board box Beggars can’t be choosers. Am I right? I did one of those nude calenders for charity Child line were livid I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers It was brilliant, two hours, one joke. I did a gig for Alzheimer’s Sufferers All right, Final thought. If only Africa Had more mosquito nets then every year we could save Millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly Of AIDS. I had been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much indeed Thank you. Thank you You are far too shy Thanks very much. Cheers Very nice of you Birmingham. I couldn’t ask for a better audience it would hurt your feelings That’s pretty much my show I thought a nice way to end might be There’s a theory in comedy Lenny Bruce, The American was first to say: “Audience is Genius” The idea is, the audience you regulate comedy You decide, what a comedian can and can’t say on stage Because, If you don’t laugh at a joke It is not socially acceptable If you do then just by definition It is socially acceptable I thought we could put that to test tonight We could start gently work our way up and see At what stage Birmingham goes: “Ah for fuck sake.” Do you wanna give it a go? – YES Ok. We will start gentle. We’ll work our way up So every one’s comfortable at some stage people stop laughing and then that’s the end Hmm, exciting. I’ll start gentle. Pope Benedict. Incidentally he is called Pope Benedict because he comes with hollandaise sauce Hang on!. That’s not a hollandaise sauce. Benedict! As head of Catholic Church Pope Benedict is boss of every Catholic priest in the world He is effectively King of the Paedos. I read about a catholic priest that exposed himself So they defrocked him They don’t hang themselves. do they? Well they do, That’s part of the problem This scandal could bring the Catholic Church to its knees You would finish that one in your own head Some what ironically I personally I don’t think Pope should worry about the sex scandal It would all be sorted out when Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour Comes back from the made up. Well, You all seem pretty happy with little bit of Christian bating . Yeah? Should we take it up a gear? – YEAH My girlfriend could be really loud during sex I don’t know why. She knows no one is coming to help Fine? Up another gear? – YES Treat them mean, keep them keen You all heard that expression? Treat them mean, keep them keen Treat them mean,you’ll keep them keen If that was really true,If that had really worked Treat them mean, keep them keen Wouldn’t the Jews absolutely adored the Germans? Really? Really? A round of applause on the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Ever! Where do we go from there? Its the joke about the worst thing that’s ever happened. Hang on! This might offend some of you People say…. Smug sanctimony it is In my Opinion People do say from time to time you hear them: “Princess Diana should have been wearing a seat belt. “If she’d been wearing a seat belt, She’d be here with us today.” To those people I say this, I say: “You try “Snorting cocaine off a cork in the “Back of the Limo while wearing a seat belt and can’t be fucking dumb.” – Fucking hell I saw that little shaky head there I presume that was disapproval madam But to me that looked like you were going: “It can’t be done, I’m sure million fucking times.” Where do we go from there? Cause we had one Fucking hell But Everyone else seems fine You better fuck off A child can drown in just four inches of water But he might as well run a bath That feels like it should have been more offensive than it was A child died in that joke. And I tend to do word play so you get away with murder with word play Literally in that last joke Because people go: “Its just a joke, It doesn’t really matter.” Actually when you talk about real stuff That’s happened in your life. That’s a bit darker , Sort of observational stuff which people think of As being more sort of family friendly. But when you talk about real stuff that’s happened to you That’s where people get more offended. If it happens to be darker And you know there’s a weird thing where That’s where comedy is useful When bad things happen and you need a bit of cheering up That’s where comed has a purpose in our lives Let’s talk about something that happened to me recently And I’m fine talking about it So, I don’t think it should be a problem for you to hear about it. But it is little bit more… Because it is a real thing.Some people get a bit edgy a bit more Offended by the stuff that is real. My girlfriend recently had a miscarriage It was doubly bad because I.. Had to pay for it. That feels that we are getting somewhere. I realize that abortion can be a very upsetting thing For a woman. But at the same time who doesn’t get a little confidence boost When they lose a bit of weight. Well let’s cut to the chase on the show. Let’s talk about what you can and can not say on stage. Very good friend of mine, A guy that I worked with for last ten years We are pretty close, we have written jokes together and we know each other. He knows I said this on stage, He is fine with it. Franky Boyle. Do you all know Frankie Yes? – Yes Frankie got in lot of trouble last year. For doing a joke on stage that contained the word, “Down Syndrome” And I thinks it’s sad. I think It does nothing more than betray his ignorance and insensitivity. What a spastic. Why they call Sunshine Variety coaches When all the kids on board look the same? Well, If that joke is getting round of applause , I’m out. Happy to back away from there. Its a weird thing though cos I suppose thing that we all got common in this room Is that we all share a sense of humour We are all laughing at same kind of things. The weird thing where I laugh the very loudest just before I have a sense of humour failure. I find, If its closest to the edge.. The funniest jokes for me are jokes that i laugh at and as I’m laughing out I go: “I’m a terrible human being.” Funny though, But I’m terrible human being. Do you wanna hear the joke that got me? – YES I heard a joke, It’s an Australian joke Just a pub joke from Australia That gives you an idea how fucking brutal it is The Aussies came up with it. Are you sure you wanna hear this? – YES. I’ll just.. I’ll Cleanse my palette before I tell you this Like a.. Like a sorbet How do you make a gay fuck a woman? Shit in her cunt. I know. I know. I know. Don’t think I don’t know cos I know I know, I know, I know There is no use giving me a look as if I didn’t pay 25Pounds to listen to this filth Cos you did and you know you did I realised my jokes can often be brutal and cruel And when you think about the content, What I’m talking about in these jokes It is unacceptable. Frankly. But then, Only purpose of these jokes is to make you laugh There is no message here. No one’s learnt anything this evening. Have they? I fuckin hope not. Cos I mean, The only purpose for these jokes is make you laugh for two hours It’s releasing endorphins, That’s all I’m doing up here. They are just jokes. I’m just messing around And some people, Some people just like being offended It’s a weird thing. I did a gig in Newcastle last year and this Woman came up to me afterwards at the signing face like fucking thunder and went: “That was disgusting , rude , juvenile, filth” “No better than last year” Fuck off Don’t know what the fuck I’m meant to do with that Bloody crazy fool. Um.. Sorry about that joke You realize that joke about the Australian Pub joke You realise, That’s the only joke you will now be able to remember. Whenever the most offensive joke is the only one you’ll be able to recall The next time you are at a family wedding or a funeral. “Fucking hell.” Poor John! “I just.. I know you are here to collect the body” “I have lost my husband, I feel so terribly low” “Maybe, Maybe a joke will cheer me up” “How do you make a gay fuck a woman?” “I’m getting your coat.” Well I haven’t been up here on my own this evening First and foremost I interviewed him earlier He is a funeral director. If you die wouldn’t you wanna be looked after by him When I say looked after I mean nothing more than what is normal John every one. Give him round of applause Thanks John. Thanks for coming down Thank you so much for coming out Specially this evening cos its being sort of you know the DVD record which is always A bit of nerve wrecking gig. And I fucking love playing Birmingham. I love coming here and I couldn’t if you didn’t buy tickets to come out to the show So Thanks so much I really do Appreciate it cos I love my job. Thanks so much (Elbow – One Day Like This)"
1686241323-6,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,LOUIS C.K.: 2017 – Full transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/louis-c-k-2017-full-transcript/,"Louis C.K Netflix special filmed in Washington D.C. and premiered April 4, 2017 Go ahead and do the lights. [audience cheering] Go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. [audience cheering] Hello. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Um… – So, you know, I think abortion is, um… – [audience laughing] I… Here’s what I think. [audience laughing] Here’s what I… This is what I think. Here’s what I think. I… I think you should not get an abortion unless you need one. [audience laughing] In which case… In which case, you’d better get one. I mean, seriously. If you need an abortion, you’d better get one. Don’t fuck around. And hurry. [audience laughing] Not getting an abortion that you need is like not taking a shit. That’s how bad that is. It’s like not taking a shit. That’s what I think. I think abortion is exactly like taking a shit. I think it is 100% the exact same thing as taking a shit. Or it isn’t. [audience laughing] It is, or it isn’t. It’s either taking a shit, or it’s killing a baby. [audience laughing] It’s only one of those two things. It’s no other things. If you didn’t like hearing it’s like taking a shit, you think it’s killing a baby. That’s the only other one you get to have. Which means you should be holding a sign in front of the place. [audience laughing] People hate abortion protesters. They’re so shrill and awful. They think babies are being murdered. What are they supposed to be like? “Uh, that’s not cool.” I don’t wanna be a dick about it, though. I don’t want to ruin their day as they murder several babies all the time. I don’t think it’s killing a baby. I don’t. I mean, it is, it’s a little bit… It’s a little bit killing a baby. It’s a little bit… It’s 100% killing a baby. It’s totally killing a whole baby. [audience laughing] But I think that women should be allowed to kill babies. That’s what I think. They should be allowed to kill babies. Yeah. [Laughs] [crowd cheering] Whoo! We get to kill babies! Let’s do some shots and kill some babies. [audience laughing] I killed like four babies last night. It was fucking retarded. It has to be one or the other. You know, like, when people say, abortion should be legal, safe and rare. Why rare if it should be legal? If it should be legal, it’s… [blows raspberry] It’s shitting. If it should be rare, it’s murdering babies. But, again, women should be allowed because… Two reasons I think women should be allowed to kill babies. Number one, I don’t think life is that important. It’s just not. It is not. [audience cheering] People get too excited… about life. “Oh, life.” Fuck you. It’s not that… Make a list of every shitty thing ever, that’s in life. [audience laughing] Life is okay. I like life. I like it. I don’t need it. I’d be fine without it. I like life, though. I do. You know how much I like life? I have never killed myself. – That’s how much I like it. – [woman] Whoo! That’s exactly how much I like it, with a razor-thin margin. I like it precisely enough to not kill myself. It’s an option, though. It’s totally an option. I mean, I’m 49. I have two kids. I’ve flipped through the brochure a few times. [audience laughing] I’ve thought of killing myself just to win an argument. [audience laughing] Not supposed to talk about suicide, even to your shrink. You ever go to a shrink and they’re like, “Have you had thoughts… of suicide?” And you’re like, “No, because if I say yes, you’ll press a button”, and folks will run in and hold me… “Hold him down!” You should talk about it. The whole world is just made of people who didn’t kill themselves today. That’s who’s here. It’s all of us that went, “Okay, fuck it, keep doing it.” [audience laughing] [audience applauding] It’s… [audience cheering] It’s an interesting thing about life. Life can get very difficult, very sad, very upsetting. But you don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do it. You don’t have to do anything. You never have to do anything because you can kill yourself. [audience laughing] If they send you a letter from Motor Vehicles, come in and: “No, I don’t. I’ll kill myself.” You can do that. You can do that once. But you can do it. It’s interesting because even when life gets bad, people choose it over nothing. Even the worst versions of life, even a shitty, shitty life, is worth living, apparently. ‘Cause folks are living the fuck out of them. [audience laughing] Have you ever seen somebody, you’re like, “He should kill himself. Why did he not… that dude…” Ever been driving and you look in the next car, you’re like, “Ugh, shit.” I wish I hadn’t looked in that car. That was difficult to glance at… “let alone being it.” Just a guy in a… In a tan car. [audience laughing] Nobody chooses tan. [audience laughing] Nobody picks tan for their car. They give you tan. [audience laughing] “Is that mine?” “Yeah, it’s yours, fucking loser. Made it tan.” They shouldn’t even make tan cars. It’s mean to make them. You look over, you see a guy in a tan car with dents all over it and a garbage bag for a window. [mimicking bag flapping] What is holding up his suicide? – [audience laughing] – What is delaying it? What is keeping him from stopping being that? [audience laughing] And what would it take? What would it take? What would it take? Both windows are garbage bags? Is that…? [audience laughing] Seriously, do you know how much misery is involved in a garbage bag for a window? Do you know how many separate moments of shit misery? “They canceled my insurance. I broke my window. Duct tape.” [ripping noise] Here’s the truth. Running away will not solve your problems. That’s totally true. But killing yourself solves all your problems. It actually does. It even solves world’s problems. For you. “Hey, what about ISIS?” “Kill yourself.” [audience laughing] “Then they’ll never get you.” [audience laughing] Seriously, if everybody who’s afraid of ISIS kills themselves right now, then ISIS loses. [audience laughing] Because they live in a world of people that don’t give a shit. “We’re gonna cut his head off!” “Yeah, okay.” “It’s not fun now.” [audience laughing] I think the worst part of being beheaded… – If… – [audience laughing] The worst thing about being beheaded is that you look really dumb right after. That’s the worst part. They go like that, and you’re like: “Duh.” [shouting] Just that fucking dopey… I don’t think they like beheading bald people ’cause they can’t do this… That’s the best part. They got to go like this. [audience laughing] It’s not as cool. So, just shave the top of your head, and you won’t have to worry about it. So, that’s the first reason. That’s the first reason I think women should be allowed to kill babies. [audience laughing] ‘Cause life is not so important. The second reason is because that’s their job. Women have to decide who lives and dies. That’s because they’re the female of the species. In the reproductive arena, that’s what the female does. They are the selectors. They have to decide this. We give them this responsibility when we fuck them. We go, “Here, you decide what to do with this shit.” [audience laughing] See you later. She has to figure out if you should have kids, if she should have them. That’s her job. Because women have judgment. They have judgment. Men don’t have judgment. Men have intent. Men just want to spray the world with their cum, just mist. “More of me.” [mimicking explosions] “More of me.” [continues mimicking explosion] It’s her job to go, “That’s enough of you, I think. No, that’s really enough.” [audience cheering] I don’t think that face needs to repeat. I’ve seen your father, and it’s not getting better. She doesn’t realize this until after you fuck her. That’s actually when she really knows, is when you’re like, “Yeah!” And she’s like, “I’m not having this piece of shit’s baby.” [audience laughing] And that’s why abortion is the last line of defense against shitty people in the species. So, we need them to abort every shitty baby. [audience cheering] I mean, all animals do this. Animals do it late. They have the baby. Then they’re like, “You know what? It’s cold. I’m gonna eat this one.” [audience laughing] “But when is it okay? When should they be allowed?” When it’s in their pussy. That whole time. It’s in her pussy. If there’s a dude in your pussy, you get to kill him. I think that’s pretty fundamental. You’re allowed to kill people if they’re in your house. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] So… that’s what I think. [audience laughing] I have two kids. [chuckles] I try to be a better person around my kids. I try to change my behavior around them. Like, I have rules in my house, they all apply to me. Like, I have a rule that I don’t curse around my kids. That’s a rule. It does happen. You have a stressful moment, and you’re with your kids, so, you say something by mistake. One time I was making dinner for my kids, and I gave my daughter a bowl of soup. And I said, “Here’s your fucking soup.” [audience laughing] But, uh… You can see how that was a tough… situation. You’re supposed to teach your kids right from wrong. I don’t know, it’s confusing. Some people raise their kids religiously and that covers it. They kind of go, all this. Do that. I’m not raising my kids religiously because I don’t feel like it. Get up on a Sunday? Fuck that. Fuck that. Let your souls rot, kids. I don’t care. I’m not getting… “Daddy, who’s Jesus?” “None of your business. Go back to bed.” [audience laughing] But my kids, they’re living in the world. There’s a lot of religion in the world. You have to teach your kids. If you’re not raising them religiously, you teach them about religion. I tell my kids the same thing. I tell them that there are many religions in the world, and they’re all equal. But the Christians are the main one. That’s what I tell them. The Christians won. They’re the winners. So, act accordingly. Congratulate Christians when you meet them. Because they won the world. And it’s true. It’s true. We love to tell ourselves, like, “Every religion is exactly…” No. No, they’re not. The Christians won everything. A long time ago. If you don’t believe me, let me ask you a question. What year is it? [audience laughing] [audience applauding] I mean, come on. What year is it according to the entire human race? And why? What year is it? Anybody? Sir, just yell out the year. Thank you. 20… 2016? No, it’s 20… That’s right. It’s 2017. What is that? That’s a number. It’s not just any number. It must be a very important number. ‘Cause we’re counting to it in unison as a species. For thousands of years, we’ve been going: “One, two, three… Come on, everybody, four… “. Now, come on, Africa, five, six…” What is this number? We’re counting the days since what? Since there was ever people? Or since the sun did something? Not at all. It’s been 2017 years since what? Anybody, yell it out. [man] Christ! Yes. Christ! [audience laughing] Christ! That’s right. It’s been 2017 years since Christ! Jesus. We are counting the days since Jesus. Together. Which makes sense if you’re Christian. But what the fuck are the rest of us doing? “Jesus was here. Jesus was here. Jesus was here.” Everybody. Scientists, historians. “Jesus. Jesus.” “Jesus plus two, Jesus plus three, Jesus plus four.” Jesus plus 2017 years, four months and three days is when your license expires. [audience laughing] How is that not a win for the Christians? How is that not a complete win? That’s not a Monday off in October. That’s, “There was no time before Jesus.” And the whole world went, “Okay.” Sure.” Then somebody was like, “What about the years before him? There were billions. I mean, infinity.” “Those go backwards.” [audience laughing] “You want us to measure most of history backwards? To accommodate one religion?” Uh-huh. “All right, we’ll do it, it’s fine. We’ll do it.” The whole world. You ever watch New Year’s Eve around the world? They always show you how every country celebrates. It’s kind of cool. The first is one little island. It’s the first place that’s actually the place that it’s the year. It’s a little island in the Pacific. I forget. They do a little ceremony for New Year’s Eve every year. And they just wear grass. ‘Cause they don’t even have sticks yet. They’re in the grass age. [audience laughing] They have no clocks. But they do a dance. [chanting] “2017.” And it goes around the world, [Chinese accent] “Oh, the 2017.” [speaking gibberish] [Middle-Eastern accent] “Death to all Christians in 2017.” [audience applauding] [normal voice] The Jews are quietly keeping track. It’s really 5,766. – But that’s for us. We’re just… – [audience laughing] That’s okay. [audience cheering] We’re keeping track for when you snap out of it. It’s all right. I’ll… I’ll write yours on my check. I don’t want a problem. What about Chinese New Year? Yeah, what about Chinese New Year? All right, next time you’re doing your taxes, just write “monkey” where the year goes. [audience laughing] Just put monkey. See what happens to your funds. No. It’s 2017, year of our Lord… Jesus o’clock on the nose. And they made it up, that’s the weirdest part. They got to rename years that had already taken place. ‘Cause, you know, that’s not what those years were. You know that, right? That the year three… wasn’t the year three… during the year three. Nobody was walking around back then, “Hey, what year is it?” “It’s three.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, but I’m 28.” [audience laughing] How can I be 28… “if there’s only been three?” “Oh, well, see, you were born in BC 24.” And there’s a zero. Remember it went backwards? “Oh, shit. That was stressful. I hated those years.” What was that like? “What year is it?” “Ten.” “What year is it now?” “Nine.” What the fuck is gonna happen?! [audience laughing] So, I don’t know what to tell my kids. My kids, they wanted a dog. So, I got them a dog. I got them a dog, which was a mistake. I shouldn’t have gotten the dog. Because we rescued a dog. – We got a… we adopt… – [woman] Whoo! Yes, you must re… yes, always rescue. If you get a dog, get a rescue dog. Don’t get a puppy… from those horrible people who professionally raise dogs carefully. [audience laughing] No. You need to just get a mystery dog… [audience laughing] That’s been beaten and abused and traumatized on the streets of Puerto Rico. And can’t talk about it to anyone now. They never know. “Do you know anything about the dog?” “Uh, she’s afraid of pennies. [audience laughing] So, we think maybe somebody’s been throwing handfuls of pennies at her face. “But, otherwise, no.” So, you take this random dog and just put it in your house with your family, and watch their personality unfold. [audience laughing] This dog is insane. I’ll walk into the kitchen, and the dog is just standing there alone like this… [audience laughing] I’m like, “You all right?” Are you all right?” My kids are terrified of the dog. My daughter goes to pet the dog, dog goes like… She’s like, “Should I pet her?” “I don’t think you should ever pet our dog, honey.” I took her to the vet. I took the dog to ask her what to do. The vet said, “Listen, I think there’s something you should seriously consider.” I was like, “Please be saying to kill this dog. Please be a doctor that says the dog dies now.” But she didn’t. She said… She said, “I think you should consider Prozac… for the dog.” I was like, “Really?” She said, “Yeah, it works. It calms the dog right down.” But it’s a big decision, and you should think about it.” I said, “Put four in her asshole right now.” [audience laughing] What do I have to think about? I don’t give a shit what she’s experiencing. Fucking fix it. [audience laughing] “Give her heroin. Shoot her up.” [audience laughing] “Come on, puppy.” “Wow, your dog is really chill.” “Yeah. It only costs $400 a day to keep her like that.” [audience laughing] I didn’t always feel this way. I used to love animals. I used to worry about animals. Just animals. When I was like 20, “Are all the doggies okay everywhere? I certainly hope so.” But I’m 49, and I got two kids now. You know what happens? Your circle of concern tightens. I have four nephews. I don’t love any of them. [audience laughing] Fuck a dog. You know those ads, like the PSA on television about abused animals? They show you a dog with, like, an empty socket, and he’s like… [whines] And they’re always wet. I feel like they hose them down before they film them. [whining] And the voice comes on, “Look at these dogs.” These dogs are beaten every day. “Please send us money so that this can stop.” Are you beating up the dogs? [audience laughing] How’s my money fixing that? You see that PSA where they show you a sad man? He’s very upset, a very sad man. He’s holding a little sign, and it says, “Yeah, sure.” And he says, “This is the text that killed my daughter.” ‘Cause somebody texted, “Yeah, sure,” and ran over his kid, which is awful. Although maybe they were responding to a text that said, “Can you please kill that kid?” – [audience laughing] – And so, they just… wrote back and did it. I’m not saying that makes it better. I’m just saying we don’t have all the information. [audience laughing] My kids and I were having breakfast the other day, and we’re listening to NPR. We always listen to NPR, because we’re better than you. And… We’re listening to NPR at breakfast the other morning. There was this story where they kept using this phrase. They kept saying, “9/11 deniers.” They kept saying that. “9/11 deniers.” And my daughter was like, “What is that?” I said, “Well, it’s a group of people that think September 11th was a conspiracy.” And she said, “Oh, I thought they were saying nine 11-deniers.” [audience laughing] Yeah, she thought they meant nine people who just ain’t buying this 11 bullshit. [audience laughing] Just a small fringe group, really. There’s only nine of them. But they still got on NPR. They got on the radio because… they’re dedicated. They protest every day. They’re the nine 11-deniers. They’re outside of the White House, [shouting] “It goes, 10, 12, 13!” [audience laughing] Me and my eight friends know it! We are the nine 11-deniers. We know that 11 is a bullshit number… propagated on the people by the man. Why do we have 11? When we have 13, and 14 and 15… and 16, 17, motherfucking 18, and 19, but we do not have a one-teen. What happened to one-teen? The government took one-teen, and replaced it with some bullshit called 11. We are the nine that deny that shit. “Mr. President, give us back one-teen!” [normal voice] I don’t mean to offend any Chinese people with this stereotype. But…[shouting] “That’s right, I’m Chinese, motherfuckers.” I’m from Beijing. I lived in Shanghai. I’m Chinese-er than a motherfucker. “Chopsticks and whatnot.” Ha! [Normal voice] All right. I’m sorry. Here’s the thing… stereotypes are harmful. That’s the truth. But the voices are funny. [audience laughing] And I don’t know how to reconcile those two facts. I enjoy doing the voices. But they’re offensive. So, I do them at home. I used to do them for my kids. They liked them, didn’t know it was a race thing. They enjoyed it. “Do the friendly man.” [deep voice] “You want me to be the friendly man, little girl?” [daughter] “We love the friendly man.” [deep voice] “He loves little white girls. Let’s have some scrambled eggs.” [audience laughing] [normal voice] They grew up, and I was like, “Don’t talk about the friendly man at school.” [audience laughing] “Maybe don’t talk to your teachers about that.” My kids go to public school in New York City. – Yeah, all right. – [audience cheering] Send your kids there then. [audience laughing] Yeah, it’s good. It’s good. To teach them that that’s what life is like. The teachers amaze me because… I don’t know, the worst… Here’s the worst thing about this country, is that there’s no more noble profession than to be a public school teacher. – Please. Please, don’t. – [audience cheering] You’re not gonna like it. – [audience laughing] – You’re not gonna like where it’s going. I don’t recommend clapping at any things. You’ll regret it at the end of the thing. In a democracy, there’s no more noble contribution you can make than to teach in a public school. In this country, the people that do that, they’re fucking losers. They’re just rock-bottom fucking losers! [audience laughing] And everybody knows it, but they keep doing it. New people are teaching every day, knowing how shitty it is. They show up, tell them ahead of time. “Hi, what is this job?” And they say, “Okay, here’s what we need you to do. We need you to make children know math.” Wow. “Do they wanna know math?” “No, they don’t want to know it. You need to make them know it against their will. “While they’re exploding sexually and beating the shit out of each other.” [audience laughing] “Who are these children?” “Just whatever kids live near the building.” [audience laughing] Heh. “How much do I get paid?” “About $10 every four years.” [audience laughing] “What if I get good at it? What happens?” “Nothing. Nothing happens. Nobody notices, and you get fired, and you die alone.” “Okay, I’ll try it for 25 years.” [audience laughing] My daughter is learning about Greek mythology. And she’s asking me questions about it. She’s like, “Daddy, who’s Achilles’ mother?” I said, “I don’t fucking know. Don’t ask me that shit.” I don’t know who Achilles’ mother.” Don’t yell out if you know. “It’s Campampetes.” Nobody cares what you know. [audience laughing] She had a question about Achilles, it was interesting. I’ll tell it to you. But first, the story of Achilles real quick. Achilles was a baby. He was a Greek baby. And… he didn’t stay that way. But when he was… a Greek baby, his mother, who was a goddess, took him to the River Styx, which is at Hades, the land of the dead. And she dipped him in the water of the River Styx because there was a magical quality to that water that you would make you impervious of any harm. You couldn’t be hurt. It was like a shield, right? So, she dipped him in that water to protect him. But she held him by the heel. That’s the important detail. Held him by the heel, which is an awkward way to hold a baby. By the heel. Try holding a baby by the heel and dipping it in a river. You will never see that baby again. [audience laughing] That’s how to get rid of a baby. [Spanish accent] “I lost the baby in the water.” I was trying to wash him, and he fell in the river. I’m sorry, Miss Achilles, I lost your baby. You told me to hold him by the heel. “He slipped.” [normal voice] Because Achilles’ mother has a Mexican nanny. It’s a lesser-known character in The Iliad. Anyway… his mother, she was able to hold on, of course, because she was a goddess. She was the goddess of grip or whatever, I don’t know. And she held on. And then he was protected, except on his heel. His heel was not protected. And so that’s what we call your Achilles heel, your one vulnerable place. Everybody’s got their Achilles heel. Achilles’ Achilles heel was his heel. [audience laughing] Like, literally. Anyway, so, my daughter, here was her question. She said, “How come his mother didn’t just dip him again?” She could have just dipped him one more time… “with the other leg in there.” What does she just, like, get… You’re right there. Was there, like, a sign that says, “One dip per goddess”? You ever color an Easter egg? It’s not that complicated. You dip it, and then you hold it differently and dip it again. Smart kid. I was proud of her. But at the same time, I thought, “Who the fuck are you to judge this woman?” [audience laughing] It bothered me. ‘Cause here’s what the story of Achilles teaches me, is that, if you’re a parent, it’s never enough what you do for these motherfuckers. It’s just never enough. It’s still gonna be your fault. How much more do you want from a mother? She dipped her kid in magic water and protected % of his body. Is any of it up to him? He could have just wore a big shoe and be careful. But he goes out in sandals, fucking flip flops. [audience laughing] And a sword, and fights the whole planet. “I’m Achilles ’cause my mother dipped me.” [audience laughing] Finally, somebody got him in the heel, and he’s like, “Mom!” [audience laughing] “Thanks a lot, Mom.” “What’s wrong, Achilles?” “My mom didn’t dip my heel. She’s so stupid. She ruined it.” Fuck you, Achilles, you Greek dick. [audience laughing] I hate the way people talk about their mothers. I was watching a football game, and this guy scored a bunch of shit, whatever, and they were excited. So, they asked him about it afterwards. And the football player said, “My mom died last year, but I know she was watching my game from heaven tonight.” And I wanted to be there to say, “Leave your mother alone.” How dare you. “She’s dead.” I mean, when are you done with your fucking kids? When are you finished with your fucking kids? Even after you’re dead, you still have to go to their fucking games and shit? [audience laughing, applauding] Leave your mother alone. She did her job. She raised you, and it killed her. [audience laughing] Let her enjoy heaven. Don’t you want your mother to enjoy heaven? Isn’t that what you want? Your mom to be just in heaven. Whee! This poor woman. Angels were like, “We’re having a party. You want to come with us?” “I can’t. I got to watch my son’s game.” He’ll be very upset. “Okay, go… He can’t fucking hear me. Why am I doing this?” I just think when people die, it means they did their jobs. And you should forget them. That’s what I think. ‘Cause it’s unfair what we put on dead people. “Are you watching over me?” “Yes, I’m watching all of it.” You know like an old… When you see an old couple, they’ve been married for, like, 60 years? You know that story? Everybody loves that. The people that always get applause based on the math of their lives. “How long you been married?” “Sixty years.” Aw. Aw. [Shouts] Isn’t that automatically wonderful? How do you know? You just know how long it’s been. [old lady] For years, every morning, he tells me I’m a piece of shit. [audience laughing] [normal voice] Let’s just say this is a happy couple, okay? They love each other. They’ve been married for 60 years. That’s longer than most people wanna be alive. And they’ve been together that long. And now they’re just an old couple. And they just walk together. You know when you see two people… They don’t need anybody else, just the two of them. This is both of them. They just walk. They always walk somewhere, nobody walks there. There’s trash. [whooshing] There’s trucks. [roars] He’s wearing a suit that is not a color. [audience laughing] She’s wearing a dress that’s like a triangle, like a kid drew it. It’s just, fucking, a dress with fruit on it. Nobody cares. And they just walk every day. [groans] [old lady] It’s cold. [old man] Yeah, it’s cold. [old lady] You want to go to the store and get a cracker? [old man] Yeah, let’s get a cracker at the store. [old lady] Yeah. [muttering] [normal voice] And then one day, usually he dies first. They’re walking, and he goes… [grunts] [grunts] And she says, “Richard!” [grunts] “Richard!” [grunts] And he dies. So, now it’s just her. Just Rose. And she’s alone. And now she just stands in their house. Somebody goes to get Rose ’cause there’s a wedding. “Come on, Rose. Nadine’s getting married.” Nadine… It doesn’t matter, just fucking come on. [audience laughing] Come on. Fucking come on. “Fuck!” Just want to push her from beh… She lives ten more years. Ten years after Richard dies. And then ten years later, now she’s laying in a bed. She’s dying. Somebody’s there with her, on their phone. [audience laughing] [grunts] So, Rose is dying, and she says: [Old lady] “Well, at least now I get to be with my Richard… forever.” [normal voice] Where did she get that idea? Where did that come from? I’ve looked it up. No religion teaches that when you die, you get to ruin heaven for your dead spouse. [audience laughing] Why is that fair? Who gets… Richard’s been dead for ten years. He’s been in heaven for ten years. And somebody comes up to him, “Hey, your wife is coming.” [audience laughing] “What?” “Excuse me. What did you just walk up and say to me just now?” [audience laughing] “Yeah, Rose just died. She’ll be here in about 20 minutes.” They’ve just got to hose her down and tape the wings on. “And then you’re gonna be together forever.” [sighs] “Wait a minute. Fuck.” You said this was heaven. Why is this… I have a girlfriend here now. I don’t wanna fucking… “She’s the love of your life.” “She’s not the love of my death, motherfucker.” [audience laughing] That’s marriage. Marriage is a big deal. Marriage is a big deal. I went to a wedding the other day. I went to a gay wedding. I’ve been to a lot of gay weddings, which is not true. [audience laughing] It’s not true at all. But… I did go to one. But I don’t go to weddings, generally, because I don’t like them. I hate it. Don’t invite me. Really. I think it’s rude to invite people to your wedding. I do. Nobody’s happy to get that shit. You make it all pretty. And they’re like, “Aw, fuck! This is gonna suck!” “Here’s a helpful list of places to stay…” “Oh, great. I get to live in a La Quinta…” [audience laughing] In Reading, Pennsylvania for three days… “because you want to get married for a couple of years.” [audience laughing] Nobody wants to watch you start your shitty thing. Nobody wants to see it. Everybody’s in a shitty thing. That’s what it is to be with somebody. You’re either alone, or you’re in a shitty thing. That covers 100% of human beings. I can see there’s young couples here. You’re like, “No, we’re in a good one…” It’s really good.” “Yeah, fuck you. Who do you think you are?” It just didn’t get shitty yet. So arrogant.” “Yeah, I think we figured it out.” “No… Yeah, you’re the first ones.” [audience laughing] Of course it’s going to get shitty. That’s part of it. It’s like going to a horror movie, and in the first minute, you’re like, “I think they’re all gonna be fine.” [audience laughing] No, they’re all gonna die. And you’re gonna hate the person you love right now. That’s the way it works. Love plus time minus distance equals hate. That’s just the way it goes. I’m not saying don’t do it. You should do it. It’s the best thing. It’s the best part of life, love is. But don’t be greedy and expect it to last. Don’t be amazed that a butterfly died ’cause you shot it in the face. [audience laughing] Just fall in love, make a fucking mess. It goes shitty, you don’t realize it until too late. And then you cry a lot and move on. It’s the best part of life. It is. I’ve always loved love. It’s always been my favorite part of life is meeting somebody and going, “Oh, shit!” “That person!” That’s the best feeling. Now, why the fuck would that just, “Oh, yeah! For years, for our whole lives, just, aw, yeah!” That’s insane to expect that. It’s a little thing you get to catch. And then it rots and dies. That’s just the way it goes. It’s like if you see a person in the park making bubbles with a big wand with soap. And sometimes they make a really big one, and everybody goes, “Oh, yeah!” Shit. Okay, that’s all.” [audience laughing] You don’t stand over it, “Liar!” You don’t get mad at the soap stain. It gets so shitty, man. It does. [groaning] Whoo! All the little intricate parts. Like, I was in an e-mail fight recently. You ever been in an e-mail fight? Some of you are in an e-mail fight right now. You know, an e-mail fight. Not a text fight. A text fight is like, “Fuck you.” Boop! “Yeah, fuck you.” Byew. “Dick.” Boop! “Asshole.” Byew. That’s a text fight. An e-mail fight is like, “In June when I told you that I had this issue”, I was very disappointed in the way you didn’t listen.” [audience laughing] You know, those e-mails, you just work on it all night. Like it’s the closing argument to a murder case. It’s so important, your fucking e-mail. You’re pounding it out like Beethoven, and you’re pouring water on your head, and going deaf and still working on it. And then you send it somebody. “Can you read this and tell me if it’s fair what I wrote? Start at the bottom.” And they write back, “I made a few changes.” “Oh, thank you. That really captures my voice. And yet…” You send it to somebody else, they’re like: “I would take out ‘Eat shit, fuck face, ‘ because it clouds your better points.” And you’re like, “Fuck you, I’m going to keep it.” And then finally, you send it. [mimics rocket] And you’re like, “Hmm.” And then you feel really good. “I finally said it. Finally.” And you have this fantasy that they’re at home reading it right now going… [gasping] I’m wrong about all of the things. [audience laughing] During the day, they haven’t written back yet, and you know it’s ’cause you just bewitched them. And you decide, “I’m going to read my e-mail.” “I’m going to read the e-mail that I wrote.” Is there any more disgusting modern human behavior than reading your own already sent e-mails? Is there any more scratching your asshole and smelling your finger than that? [audience applauding] I do it all the time. [audience laughing] So, that’s what I did. I was in an e-mail fight. And… And I looked in the sent folder, where it’s all… That’s it. It’s in stone. You can’t change that anymore. I realized I left something there by mistake. I left something at the top of the e-mail by mistake. And it said, “This is my latest draft. What do you think?” [audience laughing] So, now the rest of it is just shit. It’s shit now! ‘Cause she knows I have a writing staff and a focus group. There should be credits at the end of this fucking e-mail. Approved by mother and sister. I don’t know. Love is worth it, though. It really is. It’s worth it. It is. I mean, I’ve always been… I’ve always pursued love my whole life. Even when I was a kid, I loved girls. I loved them. And there was all… When I was 12, I discovered that girls are the greatest thing. I would ask them out. That’s what I did. I walked up and asked them out. I had no fear. I’d go up to any girl I liked, “You want to go out with me?” And she was like, “No!” You weren’t supposed to do that. You weren’t supposed to ask her out. There was a system. My daughters told me it still works this way in school. There’s a thing where the boy asks his friend to ask her friend to ask her what she would say… if he asked her out. How do children just know this… Elizabethan parlor thing? [audience laughing] Twelve-year-old boy. [British accent] “Please inquire after her maiden friend.” [audience laughing] Were I to request her presence… “what might be her answer?” [woman] “Indeed, my lady would enjoy… your company, sir”, were you to make your desires known.” [man] “That is well.” “May I finger her?” [audience laughing] [woman] “You are bold, sir.” [audience laughing] “And finger her, you may.” [audience laughing] [man] “And finger her, I shall.” [audience laughing] [crowd cheering] [normal voice] Anyway, I didn’t do any of that myself. I just would just ask them out. They always said no. Girls said no to me. Until Rachel. Rachel was the first girl who said yes. I asked her to the dance in eighth grade, and she said yes. Happiest moment of my life, even to now. I never beat it. Anyway, Rachel said, “Yes, I’ll go to the dance with you.” So, we went to the dance. I was 13. It was my first time with a girl. About five minutes into the dance, she comes to me and she says, “Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?” I was like, “Okay.” ‘Cause what other moves did I have… at 13? What else are you gonna say? “Do you mind if I dance with Jeff?” “Yeah, I do. I mind very much.” What the fuck do you think this is, Rachel? [audience laughing] You know what? Get your shit. We’re leaving right now. “Shut the fuck up, Rachel. I swear to God.” I didn’t have any of those tools. [audience laughing] So, I said, “Okay,” and she danced with Jeff. And made out with Jeff and left with Jeff. That was it. And I learned… That guy Jeff… this is a true story. That guy Jeff, he’s a woman now. That’s what happened. It’s true. I was looking up on Facebook people from my past, and he’s a woman. And she has a whole blog on Facebook about becoming a woman. I was up all night reading it. I was crying. It was amazing. I was like, “This is incredible.” And then at the end, there’s a picture of her with hair. And she says, “I didn’t change. I knew what I was all along.” I knew I was a girl since I was 6 years old.” And I read that, and I thought, “Why did you take my fucking date then?” [audience laughing] You knew? You piece of shit! Fuck you, Jeff! [audience laughing] Fuck you and your journey. I don’t give a shit now. Hooray for transgender, but fuck you, because you’re just an asshole. “Who became a cunt. That’s what happened.” [audience laughing and cheering] I envy transgender people, though. I do. It’s a tough road, but I envy them on this level that they figured out what’s going on with them, and they fixed it. What an amazing gift, to know what the fuck is wrong with you. Who else gets to have that? It’s just a mushy, I don’t fucking have any idea! I would give a million dollars to just wake up, “Oh, I’m an owl. That’s what the thing is.” [audience laughing] “I’ve just got to blink slow and eat a mouse.” [chuckles] ‘Cause life is very confusing. Even I’m 49 years old, and I haven’t found a cruising altitude to my identity. I’m still fucking confused. I get new feelings, and they upset me. I don’t like new feelings. I want to know what I like and get it and just die. That’s what I want to do at this point. Like I have a weird relationship with this movie that’s on cable sometimes. It’s called Magic Mike. You ever seen this movie? Magic Mike. [women cheer] For those of you who are watching this on video many years from now, Magic Mike was a movie about male strippers starring Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum. [women] Whoo! [laughs] It was a very different country when it was made from whenever you’re watching. But anyway… [audience laughing] We had a whole other thing going on. This building’s not here anymore. [audience laughing] But… You’re watching it on a dusty thing, and it’s all rubble. And you’re watching this. I don’t know why you’re watching this out of everything. But when things were real easy, we made movies like Magic Mike. It’s just a nice movie about men who strip. And every time I’m flipping around and it comes on, I always stop. And then I play a little game of chicken with this movie. [audience laughing] I stop because it’s a good movie. It’s well made, directed by Steven Soderbergh, good director. And so I get into it, I get into the story, and then they start stripping. And then I start having all these feelings. My face gets a little hot. At first, I just get hostile for no reason. I just… fucking… fucking… [scoffs] But then there’s one part of the movie that I like. I have a favorite part… of Magic Mike, so, I always stick around for that part. It’s the part where Matthew McConaughey, he’s wearing leather pants, no shirt. And he goes, [McConaughey] “The law says you cannot touch. But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.” [audience laughing] [normal voice] Like, just that… It’s, like, perfect. Just the way it rolls out of him. [McConaughey] “I think I see a lot of lawbreakers out there.” [normal voice] I just really like that. I like it. When the movie comes on, I’m always like, “Let’s get to where he says that.” And then he says it, and I’m like, “Fucking good, that’s really good.” [audience laughing] I like it a lot. Here’s how much I like it. I don’t do impressions, and I kind of nail that one because I think about it all the time. [audience laughing] I’m walking around my house, like, [McConaughey] “The law says you can’t touch.” [crowd laughing] “The law says you can’t touch.” [normal voice] Then I go up to my dog, [McConaughey] “But I think I see a lot of lawbreakers right here.” [normal voice] I like that part. After he says it, all these strippers come in. Matthew McConaughey and all these strippers. Channing Tatum comes out, fucking… [audience laughing] And then I go, like, “Fuck!” And then I have to stop. I’m starting to get a feeling. [audience laughing] I’m starting to get, like, a feeling. It’s not a boner. It’s not a boner. But I can feel my dick starting to turn over a little bit. Just starting to… You know when you can feel your dick kind of unfold? [audience laughing] It’s like a pool toy that’s been blowing up for a while. The wrinkles are starting to come out. It’s taking shape. [audience laughing] Just that early… My dick’s just waking up. [Yawns] What are you guys doing here? [audience laughing] I’ve never watched the whole movie. I’ve never seen Magic Mike in its entirety. Because I don’t wanna see it. I don’t wanna see the end of Magic Mike. I know what the end of Magic Mike is. I’m pretty sure that the end of Magic Mike is that I’m gay. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] I’m pretty sure that’s how it ends. I don’t want to see the ending. I want to stay like this. You know why? ‘Cause I’m 49 years old. I don’t want to enter the gay community now. This is not the version of me that’s gonna have an awesome time as the new gay guy. So, fuck that. And that’s my right, by the way. Because that’s about me. That is my life. I’d never discriminate against another person for being gay. I wouldn’t dream of it. But I have every right to oppress and discriminate against my own possible budding homosexuality. That’s mine to just violently push down. Like it’s a dude I’m trying to make blow me right now. [audience laughing] And you know, I haven’t become, like, generally attracted to men. I’m not sexually attracted to men. Just Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum. Those two guys? Fuck. Fuck, seriously. Matthew, with his, like, leathery skin. He’s like, “Hey…” Just… [groans] Fucking sexy. And Channing, kind of dumb face, like… Like, oh, shit! [groans] Fuck. I like it. But men, in general, I’m not into it. You know what I think it is? I’m only gay for the best. [audience laughing] I’m top-shelf gay. I’m not retail gay, you know what I mean? I’m not off-the-rack gay. I’m not gonna go to JC Penney’s and suck a bunch of dicks. [audience laughing] I’m going to go to Neiman Marcus and get the signature collection. Platinum dick. The best. The best dick. ‘Cause I’ll try the best anything. If it’s the best one, I’ll try it. Like, I don’t like cognac. I would never buy a bottle of Hennessy and keep it in my house. But I’ve never tried the best cognac. If somebody was like, “Would you like to try this cognac? It’s… This cognac was 500 years old 300 years ago.” [audience laughing] Like, “Yeah. Fucking give me that.” If somebody asked me to go to a Kenyan restaurant, I don’t want to go to a Kenyan restaurant. I know all the foods that I like. If somebody was like, “This is the best Kenyan restaurant.” It takes six months to get a reservation. I can get you in. They fly live turtles in. And you eat it, you bite off its screaming face while it’s alive. “And every turtle you eat is the last of his species.” [audience laughing] I can’t wait to eat that fucking turtle. I’m going to end his people with my mouth. The best, I’ll try it. If somebody was like, “We have a guy here, he has the best dick.” The best dick ever. His dick has been soaking in olive oil since he was five years old. [audience laughing] We’ve been feeding him nothing but butter and penises his whole life. “He has the best dick, and you can suck it right now.” “Well, let me see it.” [audience laughing] Can I see it? Can you take it out? Oh, shit. That’s beautiful. Oh, my God. That’s my favorite thing now. Fuck, I shouldn’t have looked at it. “Bring it closer. I don’t know what I’m gonna do, but bring it closer, please.” [sniffs] [audience laughing] [grunting] [kisses] I think, at that point, you put it in your mouth, right? If you’re looking at the best dick ever, and you’re not sure… you wanna suck it, just put it in your mouth. And then decide. Just for like 20 seconds. [woman] Whoo! That’s a long time. That’s 20 seconds. That’s a long time to have a dick in your mouth… that you’re ambivalent about. [audience laughing] It’s 20 sec… If you have a dick in your mouth for 20 seconds, you are not deciding. Twenty seconds. This is… I’ll show you. This is 20 seconds with a dick in your mouth. [audience laughing] [audience applauding and cheering] No. [audience laughing] No. Yeah, I decided not to suck that dick… that’s been in my mouth all day. [audience laughing] I don’t like dicks. That’s why I’m not gay. That really is the reason. I hate dicks. Penises are very disgusting to me. To me. I don’t want to yuck your yum. I just think they’re gross. I always hated penises. I hated my father’s penis. I did. I did. I hated my father’s penis. When you’re a little boy, you’re gonna see your dad’s dick. If you go to a restaurant, you’re probably gonna see your dad’s dick. I should explain that, right? That sounds like I have a weird father. “All right, we’re going out to eat. Everybody take a look.” [audience laughing] No, sometimes if you go to a restaurant with your family, when it’s time to pee, you go pee with your dad if you’re a little boy. If you go to a ballgame with your dad, there was… There were never urinals. It was just a trough. And the little boys and the men stand there together. And the men are just standing there… [whooshing] And we’re down here, the little boys. And the dicks are eye-level. Just horrible, pissing dicks. In both directions, like a chorus line, just… [crying] [audience laughing] And my dad had the worst dick. He had the worst. ‘Cause my dad… First of all, my father’s Mexican. It’s true. My father is Mexican. I’m not. I’m not Mexican. My father is. Just ’cause some Mexican fucked my mom for years… doesn’t make me a Mexican. It just makes her a whore. [audience laughing] But, anyway… my dad… My father had a Mexican, Catholic, uncut, raw, organic… local, fucking free-range Mexican dick. It was just so basic. It was like a farmer’s market yam, just sticking out like a tamarindo pod. And the pee would spray out of it. I’m like, “Dad, open your dick before you pee out of it.” It’s like you’re pissing out of the corner of a pillowcase. [audience laughing] And my dad’s life is… My dad’s had a weird life. Too. When I was ten years old, my parents got divorced, and my dad turned into a Jew. I mean, he converted… to Judaism. He didn’t turn into a Jew. It’s not like my dad was like… [grumbling] [groans] He… converted… to Judaism. And I had friends who were Jewish. And I knew that they had little clipped dicks, little… little neat… And then I remembered my father’s alligator claw of a penis. [audience laughing] I really hate penises. That’s really my problem with being gay. That’s why I’m not gay. Men are fine. I’d like to have a boyfriend, that would be nice. I would. Every time I hear somebody say “my boyfriend,” I’m always like, “I want a boyfriend.” Why can’t I have a boyfriend? I’d like to have a big, tall boyfriend. That’s my boyfriend. I’m mad at my boyfriend. [audience laughing] I get to wear his jacket. It’s all big on me. I’m like, “This is my boyfriend’s jacket.” “I feel safe.” I know I would like it. I would like to have a big dude in my life. Comes up behind me like this. I’m like, “Hi.” [audience laughing] Like, I know that would be nice. But in order to get all those parts, you have to have a fucking cock shoved up your asshole. Like a hard dick ramming in your… Ow! “Oh, fuck.” Oh. “I just wanted to wear your jacket.” [audience laughing] Thanks a lot, you guys. You were great. Thank you very, very much. [audience cheering] [Led Zeppelin’s “Good Times Bad Times” playing] ♪ In the days of my youth I was told what it means to be a man ♪ ♪ Now I’ve reached that age ♪ ♪ I’ve tried to do all those things The best I can ♪ ♪ No matter how I try I find my way to the same old jam ♪ ♪ Good times, bad times You know I’ve had my share ♪ ♪ When my woman left home For a brown-eyed man ♪ ♪ Well, I still don’t seem to… ♪"
1686241481-46,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,GEORGE CARLIN: AGAIN!* (1978) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/george-carlin-1978-full-transcript/,"* sometimes listed as On Location: George Carlin at Phoenix Performed at the Celebrity Star Theater in Phoenix on July 23, 1978 Hi, this is George Carlin, and I thought we might take a look at some of the pictures from the days when my show business career was just starting. This is one of the earliest photos of my days as an actor. Here I’m playing the part of a baby in an early production of a play called “Hold Onto The Rail.” As proof of the intensity I brought to the role, lying nearby you can see a doll that I had recently strangled. This is a candid photo of my first manager and I having a business conference in the park, where we knew we couldn’t be bugged. In this photo I am trying out a new funny face that I had been working on for about six months. Now, here I am with, uh, two of my fellow actors from the West Harlem production of either Ben Hur or the Sound of Music. You can’t really tell from what we’re wearing there because those are our street clothes. And the person off to one side is our personal manager who insisted on being in all of our publicity photos. This is a rare photo, uh, this is a photo of me in a singing group called The Mills Brothers. Uh, we didn’t know that there was already a group in existence by that name. The Mills Brothers sued us, so we dropped two guys and changed the named to Mickey and Sylvia. This is a picture of the time I came in second in a suntan contest. The boy in the middle won, but it was, uh, later he was disqualified when it was discovered he had been using pep pills. Uh, this is the same photo with the negative reversed. As you can see, the suntans are approximately the same on the back. This is me during an early suicide attempt. I was despondent at that time because my puberty was coming along very slowly. This one was taken during the nationwide search for a replacement for Lassie. I remember this picture. I’m trying to get my dog Spotty, a fox terrier, to stand up straight and act like a collie. Uh, although he didn’t get the part, later he did go on to become Mars the Cat God, rest his soul’s manager. This is a picture of me and the boy who doubled for me during my early film career. Normally I did all my own stunts except for the scenes involving homosexuality, of course, and this boy served that purpose. This is me singing in a trio I had started which was called The Inkspots. Oddly enough, the NAACP sued the trio and forced me to drop out when I couldn’t prove there was such a thing as flesh colored ink. This is my first communion picture. It was so well received that I decided to use it for publicity, and to this day, this is the picture that I send out when producers call and ask me if I’m interested in serious acting. And that brings me to today, here in Phoenix, Arizona, where we’re going to shoot one of these comedy shows for the first time in the round. So I’ll see you around. All right, now, I’m starting to feel it Marty. Let’s go, Marty. All right. No, I want to do like, this is what guys who run do, sprinters do this, 60-yard dash. I always wonder if they’re gonna run on their fingers or what. Okay, getting ready to go. Hey, how are you there? Okay, we’re getting ready to go. We’re getting ready. All right, we’re going to hire you on good judge of character. Hi, how are you? Looks like you made it all the way out to the van during half-time. That’s good. Any time. What? Go. I can go out, on-stage? Yeah. Oh, all right. Ah, yes, thank you. Thank you. Very nice, thank you very much. Well, thank you. Well, I do thank you. And you all got here. Imagine that, we all got here. That’s what always knocks me out about the audience, the audience comes from everywhere. Audiences come from all different houses, different apartments, all over town, different rooms. Imagine that, you had to leave your room and come on to the theater. Maybe you had to drive here, that’s how a lot of us got here. You had to get in and drive the big iron thing, trying real hard not to hit anyone else in the other big iron things. But we got here. Now, all we have to do is get back again. I do think about the audience, though, I’m in the audience, too. You know, I mean, I feel like I’m in the audience, I just happen to have the best seat in the house, that’s all. I am in the audience, and I know the things you think of. I think of them too. When I’m driving to the theater going to be in the audience I’m thinking to myself, what kind of a member of the audience will I be tonight? Will I be a credit to my row? Will we win row of the year? Suppose we get some shit from another section? If there’s a fire drill, will I file out safely, or trample the shit out of my neighbor? Pardon me, fire, look out, fire, pardon me, fire, fire, look out, pardon me, fire. We never practice that one, do we, panicking. We never practice panicking, we practice going out neatly, pardon me, fire, look out, pardon me, fire, fire, yeah, pardon me, fire. We never do that, I don’t know why we practice so much. If we could learn to climb over one another, we might save a few lives. I wonder, I wonder a lot of things. I wonder what it’s like when I’m not there. Do you wonder what it’s like when you’re not there anymore, when you’re gone? You know, you were somewhere, you were over here with your friends and you’re talking some shit with them. You say we’ll see you later, Phil, we’re going downtown, and then you leave. Do you wonder what it’s like over there now? I wonder are they gonna treat me right while I’m gone? What’s it like? I wonder a lot of things, but that’s my job. My job is thinking up goofy shit. You know, that’s my job, thinking up goofy shit. My job is to think up stuff and come around and remind you of it. Cause you already knew it, you just forgot to laugh at it, that’s all. My job to remind you. I wonder about things like, I wonder if on a rainy night the sandman sends the mudman. You’d think it would be his job. I wonder why we don’t have any large craft warnings. Apparently we don’t care about the big boats, huh? I wonder why Marineland doesn’t have a display of fish sticks. I mean, it’s a seafood, I’d like to see it. In fact, I’d like to see Mrs. Paul herself come swimming by. Hi, boys. I wonder if a centipede wants to kick another centipede in the shins, does he kick one leg at a time, or does he stand on 50 and kick with 50? I wonder why there are not waiters in waiting rooms. They’re all in the restaurant. I wonder why women wear evening gowns to nightclubs. Why don’t they wear nightgowns? And I wonder why fluorescent lights seem afraid to come on. Have you ever noticed, you turn them on and they go blip, blip, blip, blip, blip… finally they’ll come on after you coax them a little. I wonder why Kleenex doesn’t have a target in the middle of it. Don’t you think we need a bulls-eye right in the middle of the Kleenex? I wonder about hats. Did you ever notice that when you have a hat on for a long time, it feels like it’s not there. And then when you take it off, it feels like it’s still there. That’s creepy. I wonder about frog’s legs. In those restaurants where they serve frog’s legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? What, do they just throw it away? I mean, they don’t have frog torsos on the menu. They must be doing something with them. They throw them away. Can you imagine a barrel full of frog bodies in the restaurant and some drunk coming down the alley, oh, goddamn. I wouldn’t wanna see that. I wonder about who empties wishing wells. Who the hell empties the wishing wells? That’s our money. I’ve never seen an accounting. Does anybody ever tell you, no, gone, just gone. Someone picked it up, someone emptied the well. I’m sure they don’t come around at 3:00 in the afternoon on Sunday with a little girl in her first communion dress dropping a dime. 3:00 in the morning, black T-shirts empty the wishing well. It’s our money and I want some of it back. I wonder if movie directors have credits on their dreams. And I wonder why there’s no blue food. Where the hell is the blue food? Every other food is represented… I mean, every other color, every other color is represented. I mean, every color… okay, red is raspberry, cherry and strawberry, orange is orange, yellow is lemon, green is lime, brown is meat. There’s no blue food. Why the hell was blue left out of the food thing? Somebody’s got the blue food, goddammit. Somebody’s got it. It probably bestows immortality, that’s why we haven’t been given any. And don’t say blueberries, we know they’re purple. You look at a blueberry and you see that sucker is purple. Bleu cheese, no, bleu cheese is just white cheese with a bunch of mold in it, man. And bluefish, God knows, you open one up they’re every color under the sun. Well, enough of that shit. I wonder, I wonder which came first, skilled workers or unskilled, and who decided? I figure originally all we had was workers, and then they decided, this is hard. And they called themselves skilled. And someone else came along they couldn’t do it, poor unskilled son of a bitch. They moved right past his ass, man, when he was just in the landing area. Do you think maybe Charlie McCarthy has little wooden balls? I’ve always wondered that. Hi, Charlie, hi, Charlie. You know what I wonder about, I wonder we buy flowers. Why do we buy flowers? They’re free. They grow all over. Yet, we buy them, we pay good money for flowers, flowers that are dying, I might add. That’s a little strange, flowers is one, flowers is one of the few things that you buy, you bring it to your house, and if they die you don’t give a shit. Normally, you’d be asking for your money back on anything that died. Are you kidding me, these things keeled over on the piano. Flowers. I wonder why I’ve never seen anyone cleaning a church. Have you? I’ve never seen someone cleaning a church. A lot of things go on in church. You never see a cleaning crew going in there with pails and mops and shit. It just never happens. Why don’t they clean churches? You know why? Churches don’t need to be cleaned, they clean themselves overnight. That’s how they know they’re churches. Come back the next morning, shit, it’s still clean, must be a church. Does the time bother you? I get bothered by the time. Not so much the time itself, the people bother me for the time. People come up to me on the street, I’m sure you’ve had this happen to you, people come up to you and say what time it is, or they might say what time is it? I shouldn’t get into these ballads. You’ve had people come up to you and say, what time is it? What time is it? As if you personally were responsible for keeping time. You know, I feel, I feel honored, first of all, that they thought I was the man in charge. But I do have to explain, you don’t see official timekeeper on here, do you? I don’t have the time of course not. Do you have the time? That’s another way they say it, do you have the time? I say, uh, no, I don’t believe I do. I certainly didn’t have it this morning. Did you leave it somewhere? Well, do you have the time? No, I don’t have the time. I use a little of it like everyone, you know, but I don’t have it. I think, I think the Navy has it, in Washington. Isn’t that, they keep it in an observatory, that’s right. Sure, they let out a little of it each day. Not too much, they wouldn’t want to give us too much, just enough time. Sometimes they’ll say, do you know what time it is? And I say, yes. I hate to disappoint them, but there is no time. There is no time. I don’t mean there’s no time, I mean there’s no time. When the hell is it? We made that whole thing up. There’s no time, we made it up. It’s a manmade invention, time. There are no numbers up in the sky. I’ve looked, they’re not there. We made this stuff up, when is it? When the hell is it, when are we, I ask you, when are we? Sometimes we think we know where we are, but we don’t really know when we are. When the hell is it? All the time zones are different, every calendar you run across is different. They’ll all give you a different answer. These are calendars, these are made to… to keep track of time. Everybody’s got a different one. The Chinese are way up there in the 5 and 6000’s, Hebrew calendar is way up in the 5 and 6000’s, we’re up at about 1977. Well, shit, this ain’t a couple of weeks these people are off, this is thousands of goddamn years that are missing, man. How did they do that? We don’t, we don’t know when the hell is it, it could be the middle of last month, for all we know. I mean, time is so, we’ve got it down so perfect that every four years we have to stick in an extra day just to make sure it still works, and we call it February 29th. Bullshit, it’s March 1st and I know it. It just feels like March 1st. You can’t keep track of the time, what’s the sense. Give you an example, there’s a moment coming, it’s not here yet, it’s still on the way, it’s in the future, it hasn’t arrived, here it comes, here it is, oh, shit, it’s gone. There’s no now, there’s no now, everything is the near future or the recent past. But there’s no present. Welcome to the present, whoosh, gone again. It’s just so imprecise. We don’t even care to use the minutes and seconds and hours that we’ve been given, everybody’s very vague about the time. They say what time you got, I got, uh, I got just after. Just after, geez, I must be slow, I had going on. And where did that imprecision begin? Why is it we’re not so sure? I know one of the clues that happened to me was when they started telling me about moments when I was a kid. They were trying to teach me how to tell time, and of course, you can’t tell time, time tells you. But they were trying, they were trying to show me. Now the big hand, I said I don’t have a big hand. Never mind, look at the clock. And the clock is so wonderful, there’s so much emotion attached to a clock face. I hate digital clocks. Digital clocks rob me of all the emotional experience of the spatial relationships on that face of the clock. Isn’t it true, I mean, don’t you always feel that this half hour when it comes down from 12 down to 6 goes by a lot quicker than this half hour when it has to come up fighting gravity all the way? I know, it does go a lot quicker, yeah. Oh, I got ya, yeah. I’ll tell ya, I’ll tell ya this, if I only have a half to live, I want it to be this one, man. I wanna last just a little bit longer than this one here. It’s vague, that’s all I’m saying, it’s very vague how we treat time. We have all these wonderful expressions, we say now, now is an interesting one. When, now, you want that now? Yes. Well, would you like to try again. Or sometimes just now, just now, did you hear that? What? Just now. You must mean just then, don’t you? Yes, just then, but there it goes again. When? – Now? – No, not now. Pardon me, do you have the time? When do you mean, now or when you asked me? This shit is moving, Ruth. We got a lot of these vague terms, right away, immediately, at once, lickety split, just like that, nothing flat, drop of a hat, no time at all, as quick as you can say Jack Robinson. I’m sure you’ve done that to people, I’ll be back before you can say Jack Robinson. Jack Robinson, you’re not back. How about, a jiffy, a jiffy, or a flash? Which is quicker? A jiffy or a flash? I think there are two flashes in a jiffy, myself. But God knows how many jiffies there are in two shakes of a lamb’s tail. And why did they use two shakes of a lamb’s tail, what’s wrong with the basic unit of measurement, one shake of a lamb’s tail? We can do our own arithmetic, thank you. Belched a little there. Tried to swallow that one. Then we have words like soon. Soon, that’s a very emotional word, there’s a lot of potential for drama in that word, soon. Soon, soon, is your mother coming home? Uh-huh. When? Soon. Real soon. As soon as she can. Sooner than you think, that’s kind of a spooky one, Sooner than I think? That’s a little bit like before you know it. I’ll be back before you know it. He did it, holy Christ, look at that. And we go on with these terms that we use, these vague terms of time, one of these days, before long, any time now. Well, that’s true, everything is gonna happen any time now. Any day now, that’s kind of a snotty one, any day now. Hey, I’ll be giving you that five bucks I owe you, Bill. Yeah, any day now. Sooner or later, now and then, once in a while, from time to time, in a little while. In a little while, that will just be a little while. That’s a wonderful one, and I just love that. It sounds so benign, just a little while. Couldn’t hurt you, could it? You can wait a little while. It’ll only be a little while longer, just a little while. That’s so different from a short time. Short time sounds sound almost terminal, doesn’t it? You only have a short time. Whereas you have a little while. Oh, I’d rather have a little while than a short time. You know, we’ve got long ways we measure time, we’ve got vast distances of time we measure. People will say things like kingdom come, I’m… I’m gonna be standing here till kingdom come. Shit, I don’t have that on my watch. Doomsday, you say? Doomsday. Till the cows come home. Now, that’s an easy one to understand, that’s long about dusk, isn’t it? If you leave them out overnight they’d burst. Here’s a long period of time, forever. Some people will tell you, gosh, I’ve been standing on this line forever. Look at this, Dave, this man has been standing on line forever. He looks fairly fresh to me. Almost like an eternity, people will tell you, it’s… it’s almost like an eternity, as if they had experience with eternities. Now, you must have a favorite period of time. I have some favorites, I just want to try a few of them on you. It isn’t easy, uh, to select a favorite period of time, so many of them are attractive, but there are little periods of time that, um, that you might relate to. Of course, the most basic period of time I feel is five minutes. That seems to be the one everyone chooses. If they need to think of a period of time real quickly, they just go five minutes, just five minutes, I’ll be there in just five minutes, give me five minutes, would you please just, would you just give me five minutes? Are you kidding me, I can fix that shit in five minutes. Five minutes, that’s all most people want, five minutes, a good, solid, nice period of time. You can do anything for five minutes, can’t you? I mean anything. Even things you really hate. Yeah, you can probably do it for five minutes. Hey, let’s go talk to Ted. Are you kidding? Ted’s an asshole. Look, just five minutes, huh? Okay, let’s give him five minutes. Not ten, ten I can’t make, now you’re getting into double digits, you’re starting to fool with my head. Time, five, ten minutes. Fifteen minutes is popular, you hear fifteen quite a bit. But it’s, it’s sort of an institutional one, it’s kind of an official time period, 15 minutes. Has a touch of regulatory, uh, quality to it, doesn’t it? It sounds like something you’re not supposed to do, or have to do for 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes. I like 20 minutes. Doesn’t that sound free compared to 15, 15 minutes? Twenty minutes. I’ll be back in 20 minutes. Gosh, what’s he gonna do? Do you have those news stories for me? Maybe let’s go to the news reports, man. Tell us what’s going on around the world. God knows you’re not home to find out. Thank you, thank you, Walter, let’s do it. I just want to keep you up to date, there’s a few things that have happened while we’ve been sitting here, and it’s not nice to ignore the rest of the world. Let’s take a look, I’d like to take a look at the news. First of all, the headlines, three Shriners have been killed in a whoopee cushion explosion, 21 killed in 21-gun salute, rapist swallows whistle. Oh, the head of the lost and found has been reported missing. And a vegetarian has been beaten to death by a meat packer. Oh, some vegetarians? Have I been ignoring your section? I’m really sorry. Well, we’ll be okay, though, cause, um, you know, I just can’t think of everything. But I’m now, I’m gonna do about 10 straight stories just for these folks here. Back into the news. Police fired over the heads of rioters today, however they killed 200 people standing on a balcony. A 107-year-old woman in Florida is reported to be pregnant. Physicians claim that because of her advanced age, she will have a grown-up. Scientists have discovered a new disease which has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there’s no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far. A man has barricaded himself inside of his house, however, he is not armed and no one is paying any attention to him. The Surgeon General announced today that saliva causes stomach cancer. However, only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. A woman was severely injured today when she attempted to force breast feed a wildcat. And the results of the latest Gallop Poll have come in. It seems that 29 percent of the people were not home, 14 percent of the people made believe they weren’t home, 6 percent of the people could not operate the doorknob, and 3 percent were wearing underwear and had to stand sideways. The Bureau of Indian Affairs announced today that they have found another Mohican. Accordingly, all the books are being called back in and will be changed to read The Next To the Last of the Mohicans. In France today, a baby was born wearing glasses and holding a Quaalude. A high-speed chase ended today when the car stopped and the people got out. A dog exploded on a busy downtown street corner today. No one was killed, however 12 people were overcome by fur. Police estimate that 50 to 60 fleas also lost their lives in the blast. Scientists in Switzerland announced today that they have been able to make mice fart by holding them upside down and tapping them on the stomach with a pencil. A Milwaukee man has been arrested for attempting to use food stamps to mail a box of macaroni. Earthquake, an earthquake has hit the maternity home… maternity home, there’s no such place as a maternity home… an earthquake has struck the maternity hospital, three people were killed, however, six people were born. A priest who has performed 300 exorcisms was eaten today by a green boogie man. Out at the lake in City Park today, police arrested a one-armed man who was bothering the other boaters by continuously rowing in a circle. A man at a tool and die company, died today when he was hit with a tool. A severely disturbed geography teacher has been arrested after killing six people who did not know the capital of Scotland. A man in Detroit is suing a soup company, claiming that a bowl of alphabet soup spelled out an obscene message to his wife. A heavily-armed man in Seattle has taken six hostages, he’s demanding $3 million and someone to share driving and expenses to St. Louis. Police today announced they have broken up an amphetamine ring, narcotics detectives broke in and arrested six out of ten of the speed dealers they had under suspicion. The other four got away by running completely across Canada. A man who was shot in the chest nine times yesterday and refused treatment… died today… of nine shots in the chest. A man in Cincinnati is suing a hospital, claiming he entered the hospital for a vasectomy and was castrated instead. When the chief surgeon was asked how such a mistake might happen, he said, well, it all started out as a joke. We were pretending we were going to castrate him and he got real snotty so we offed his balls. The man himself was philosophical about it, he said well, it’s just that much less to wash. Tragedy struck the parade today as an open manhole claimed the lives of 1200 marchers, one at a time. A man who shot and killed all 12 members of a jury which convicted him last year, goes on trial again today. A set of Siamese twins which was surgically separated six months ago was sewn back together again today because each of them only knows one half of the combination to their locker. A man who has… a man who was… this is kind of one where you’re gonna moan, but I’m gonna do it anyway. Okay, a little pre-moaning, that’s nice. Visine, do they look that red? Would you hold that for me. Oh, hey, now I need it, now I need it. It’s like starting a fire for the charcoal burner, you know? God, well, that’s gonna be nice, That’ll really… Well, anyway, would you hold them both for me. Now you’re under arrest. Here comes the Wisine, as we say, in the middle part of Europe. Well, there ain’t much of this left, but there is one final story that I would like to wind up with, folks, and I do thank you for that Visine, but I didn’t smoke at half-time, so if they’re red, it’s just natural eyeball blood pressure, or whatever you call that shit. I was, the one you were gonna moan about, I was gonna tell a man… about a man who was scheduled for a heart transplant who decided not to have it. He had a change of heart, you know? I love that shit, that’s why… I know why you’re moaning, because you wish you had thought of the goddamn thing yourself. I have to think that. Like to wind up the news tonight with sort of a little story, kind of a human interest story about man’s best friend. It seems that 65-year-old James Driscoll was asleep in his downtown hotel room last Wednesday when he was awakened by the sound of a dog barking. When he woke, he found the room was full of smoke, he could not see, and the dog led him out of the room, down the hall, and into an elevator shaft where he plunged eight stories to his death. I want to do a… a nostalgic thing here for my own sake and for the request of a couple of people that are on the crew that are listening or looking through viewers, or listening on headsets or whatever, and do a little, uh, weather forecast from Al Sleet, Al Sleet, the hippy-dippy weatherman. Hey, baby, what’s happening. Que pasa? Que what you call your pasa? Al Sleet here, your hippy-dippy weatherman, with all the hippy-dippy weather, man. Brought to you by Parson’s Pest Control. Do you have termites, waterbugs and roaches? Well, Parson’s will help you get rid of the termites and waterbugs, and help you smoke the roaches. Hey. Temperature at the airport is 88 degrees, which is stupid, man, cause I don’t know anybody who lives at the airport. Now if you’ll take a look at our national weather map, you’ll see that we don’t have one. So try to picture last night’s map in your mind. Remember all the letters and lines, all them little numbers. The weather is dominated by a large Canadian low, which is not to be confused with a Mexican high. Tonight’s forecast, dark, continued dark tonight, turning to partly light in the morning. Old Al, Al got out of the weather business and he’s, uh, he’s now a, a linoleum, uh, quality control inspector in a linoleum plant. Al, he only wanted to get out of the media. You know, he said fuck it, I don’t need it. And, uh, hey, who can blame him. I don’t know, but Al got out of weather when he realized he had given the… the final weather forecast. He had given the ultimate forecast, there was nowhere to go. You know, when there’s nothing left to conquer in your field, hey, it’s time to leave. And old Al had given the ultimate forecast, he told us, he said one night that the weather will continue to change on and off for a long, long time. Then he was gone from it. God bless Al. Okay. Yes, you’re all, you’re all going to die. Didn’t mean to remind you of it, but it is on your schedule. Yes, it probably won’t happen when you want. It usually comes along when you’re not expecting. Generally you have your stamp collection out, you know? Now? Now. Just want a little time to put away your hinges, you know? No, there’s a time to die, and it’s okay, you know? It’s really okay. Nobody wants to die, nobody. Well, you know, ha ha, most people don’t wanna die. Nobody wants to die. Boy, if you think being sick is no fun, dying is really a pain in the ass. Nobody wants to die. People don’t mind being dead, being dead is great, but getting dead, nobody wants to get dead. So I hope I don’t die. I wonder how often we think that, you know? It’s just under the surface, isn’t it? You go out for the day, going out of your house, geez, I hope I don’t die. It would really spoil the circus if I were to die. Geez, I hope I don’t die. Comedians don’t wanna die. It’s only a metaphor, but it’s true of all of us, we don’t wanna die out there. A comic’s gonna die, I don’t want to die. Geez, I was dying out there, I was dying, it was death out there. It was like a morgue. I don’t wanna die. Of course, if the comedian doesn’t die, you know? If he succeeds, if he makes you laugh, then he can say, I killed ’em. I killed ’em. So, it’s either me or you, you know, just like on the freeway. Yeah, dying shouldn’t be that bad, it shouldn’t be that bad. We’re all gonna do it, it’s one of the few fair things in life, everybody catches it once. And dying should be fun, there should be some sort of a look ahead. I mean, after all, when you die you’re gonna find out where you go. Haven’t we been wondering about that a long time, where the hell we go. Isn’t that the biggest thing we have to wonder about, where the hell do you go? I don’t know. Joe thinks he knows. I know Joe thinks he knows, but Joe don’t know. Where do we go? Nobody knows. Well, I think sometimes you go where you think you’re gonna go, whatever you think you’re gonna do, that’s where you’re probably gonna go. If you keep saying you’re gonna go somewhere, chances are you might go there. You ever hear those guys say, I’m going to hell, don’t pray for me. Don’t pray for me, I’m going to hell. He is. You go where you wanna go. I think when you die, your soul goes to a garage in Buffalo. When Monte Hall dies, he’ll go behind Door Number 4. That’s it, where you wanna go. No, nobody wants to die, and you know part of the reason we don’t wanna die is because of that goddamn funeral. We’ve seen it, we know how bad news it is. That funeral is no fun. Man, if I don’t like other people’s funerals, I know I’m not gonna like my own, man. There’s no way I can get behind my own funeral. Gonna be lying there in a casket, they’re gonna put me in the box, gonna put me in a convertible with the top down. You know that’s embarrassing, lying there and everybody’s looking at you. You’re dead, and they’re looking. You’re just lying there still, people coming over going… they don’t know that you’re lying there with short pants on and no back in your jacket, embarrassing. And sometimes they’ll come over, you know, some people it depends on your religion and so forth, but they do come right over to the casket a lot of times and they’ll go like this. And they’re silent for a moment, and what they’re doing while they’re silent is, they’re subtracting their age from your age, so they get a rough estimate on what they have left. And they get up and they say, don’t he look good? Don’t he look good? You crazy, he’s dead. I know, but he never looked that good. Well, they say the nicest things about you, they say the nicest things when you die. Your popularity goes straight up when you die. They say the greatest things there are that can be said, they’ll even make stuff up if they have to. Well, he was a real asshole, but he meant well, you know? He was a well-meaning asshole. Yes, you get so popular when you die, all the flowers you get, think of the flowers you get when you die. You get more flowers when you die than you got in your whole life. All your flowers arrive at once, too late. And guys will say, oh, yeah, well, you know Bill is dead, yeah, poor Bill, poor Bill is dead, yeah. Poor Dave, yeah, poor Dave is gone now. Ed, yeah, poor Ed is gone. Dan, that motherfucker is still alive, isn’t he? I wish he would die so I could like him. Reincarnation is another aspect of death that a lot of people will tell you little tales about it. Reincarnation, coming back, a lot of folks are sure of it, they can come back, you come back as something. I don’t know, does it seem right to you that it would work? I mean, mathematically, it doesn’t seem to work, because originally on this earth we only had, well, let’s say six people. I know we had two, but it’s a controversial number. Let’s say at one time there were only, there were only six of us, about, six people, six souls. And those six people died, and those souls went back to the staging area, and new people were born and those six souls came back. We still only have six souls. Now, we have four billion people claiming to have souls. Where are all these extra souls coming from? Someone is printing up souls, and it lowers their value. The more souls there are, the less they’re worth, it would seem. Well, somebody’s got to think of this shit, you know? How about the perfect murder, I’ve thought sometimes about the perfect murder. You know what you do, you pick up one person by the ankles and you beat another person to death with him. And they both die, and there’s no murder weapon, hey. What happened here, sergeant? Looks like a pedestrian accident to me. They must have been moving at quite a clip. Of course, if you should be caught with this perfect murder in progress, or even after the fact, if you should be caught you might wind up on death row. Death row, wow. That’s more than just fun, ain’t it? I mean, there’s cats there, death row, man, shit. Oh, well, you got that one meal, but that’s not much of a consolation, is it? You’re gonna get to order your meal, big deal. Why don’t you leave me alone, I’m not hungry, man. They give you that one last meal. I say, you can have some fun with that last meal. I mean, if you work it right. They gotta give you whatever you want. I mean, short of elephant steak, you know? They don’t wanna start on a new elephant just for one guy. But they gotta give you pretty much what you want, that’s part of the humanity of what they’re going to do to you. Yeah, you could just order something, you know, like maybe, well, shit, you tell them you can’t decide. That’s it, I can’t decide. I don’t know, I don’t know if I want steak or lobster, you know? I mean, I really love them both and I honestly can’t decide. Could they kill you? I don’t think they could kill you if you honestly couldn’t decide. Lie detector, truth serum, the man honestly doesn’t know what he wants. We can’t very well kill him, we can’t drag him down the last mile screaming, I don’t know what I want. You gotta give him a chance, and then he… well, man lives. Imagine if you worked it out and you kept it going six months, man is still alive, can’t decide on meal. Three years, eight years, and then finally you’re an honest person so you tell them when you do figure it out, and you say I’ve decided what I’d like, I think I’ll have steak. Okay, how did you want that? Oh. Well, my feeling is, if you’re gonna die, you know, or if you know, hey, die big. Die big. Nobody wants to just pass away. You don’t want to be a euphemism, do you? Nobody wants to pass away. You know, Arnie passed away. Oh, really? Yes. Well, I didn’t know that. Well, that’s the idea. On the other hand, Dave died. Oh, yes, I heard about Dave dying. That’s true. I say die big, give it a shot, man, go out big, it’s your chance. Die big, work in a few posthumous reflexes for your friends. Give them a show before you go. Entertain and uplift and instruct those you are leaving behind. When you die, give them a few posthumous reflexes. You know, the body does store electricity up, there’s a certain storage of electricity, and even a dead body, a corpse, will occasionally go (sound). And I say if you have that potential after you’re dead, use it properly. Pre-program, before you die, pre-program some posthumous reflexes that will be entertaining to those you’ve left behind. Do something to capture their imagination, roll over on the autopsy table. That’s nice. Cross your legs, scratch your balls, do something. Now, the only reason, the only reason that I even suggest that you have a choice about what you can do at the moment of death, is a very little known and very little understood part of the death process called the two-minute warning. Many people are not aware of it at all, the two-minute warning. Just as in football, two minutes before you die you receive an audible warning, two minutes, get your shit together. The reason we don’t know about it is because the only people who hear it, die. And I don’t think we’d believe someone anyway if he told us he’d received his two-minute warning, would you? Some asshole on the bus, hey, I just got my two-minute warning. You’d think it was a coach out on the town, you know? But no, the two-minute warning does arrive, and I say use that time to entertain, to leave something behind. Do something with the two minutes, hey, if nothing else give a speech, a little two-minute speech. We can all give a little two-minute speech. Just pick some subject you’re very fond of and talk about it for two minutes, I mean, tell them. It’s your last chance to tell them anything, so tell them. You got two minutes, and I mean wax eloquent, rise, bring it to the rafters. And then at the moment of the end you say, if this is not the truth, may God strike me dead. Well, that leads me into the filth, and, uh, to kind of wind up. Thank you. You know, that’s the trouble with it, is trying to decide what to call these words, man. I’m trying to decide what to call this whole thing. You know, what are these words that I’m talkin about, they’re just words that we’ve decided, sort of decided not to use all the time. That’s about the only thing you could really say about them for sure, that they’re just some words, not many, either, just a few, that we’ve decided well, we won’t use them all the time. Sometimes, well, hell yeah, sometimes it’s okay, but not all the time. And they’re the only words that seem to have that restriction. I mean, there are a lot of words you can say whenever you want, you know, pneumonia. Nobody gives you a lot of… all right, you can’t yell it in the hospital a great deal, but what the hell. There are words that you can say, no problem. Topography, no one has ever gone to jail for screaming topography. But there are some words that you can go to jail for. There are some words that we just have decided we will not say all the time. Sometimes, okay, if you’re running through the jungle chasing somebody that we’re at war with you can holler them. If you’re shooting a criminal it’s okay, it’s the all American thing, dirty, fucking crook. But if you’re with the bishop’s wife at lunch, it’s better not to ask for the goddamn lettuce. You know what I mean, it’s just like we’ve decided there’d be some words we won’t say all the time. And I was just trying to find out which words they were, for sure, all of them. I wanted a list. Cause nobody gives you a list, that’s the problem, they don’t give you a list. Wouldn’t you think it would be normal if they didn’t want you to say something to tell you what it is? Nobody even tells you when you’re a kid what the words are that you’re supposed to avoid. You have to say them to find out which ones they are. Shit, ahhhh. Oh fuck, ahhhh. That’s two. Oh, ma, that’s enough trial and error, huh? Please, ma, give me a list, huh? All right, you’re six years old now, and here’s the list of words your dad and I don’t ever want to hear you say. Oh, hey, thanks ma. Boy, that’s gonna save me an ass kicking or two. Ahhhh, ohhh. Yeah, you never know what’s gonna be on the list, cause it’s always somebody else’s list. You didn’t make that up, somebody told you that shit. They told you, better… better not say that, so you’re gonna… and you don’t know what’s gonna be on their list. God, people’s lists even change from day to day. Some people on Friday night got a list, you know, about two or three words. Sunday morning, goddamn, there’s 27 words on it. These are the same people, two days later, different list. So you’ve gotta kind of watch out what you’re gonna believe from them. The trouble is, I was trying to find out what these words might be, and I wanted to know the ones that you could never say on television. I mean, the filthy words that are always filthy. There are a lot of these little two-way, double entendre words that have two meanings, words that they’re okay part of the time. I call them like, part-time filth, some of these words, they’re only 50 percent dirty. You have words like ass. Ass is hardly even a dirty word anymore, but it has a few meanings that you can’t say on television, that’s what I was talking about, what can you say on television. That’s another one of those places where we can’t use these words all the time. But some of them are all right, some of the time. Ass is all right on television. You can say on television things like, well, you’ve made a perfect ass of yourself tonight. But you can’t say, hey, let’s go get some ass. Bitch, bitch is another word like that, same kind of word, it’s only dirty part of the time, depends on what you mean by bitch. You might be the lady from the San Diego Zoo visiting one of the Tonight Shows, and you might just have a bunch of little canines with you there. One of them is a female, and you say there’s the bitch, Johnny. And it’s okay, fine. Just don’t refer to the singer the same way, that’s all. Is that bitch gonna do another number? Yes. Animals are fine on those two-way words. And that’s it, that’s what I was trying to find, the words that were always dirty not just part of the time, but completely filth. Well, in… in looking for these words I kept finding new categories. We have so many ways of describing these dirty words, it’s, well, we have more ways to describe dirty words than we actually have dirty words. That seems a little strange to me. It seems to indicate that somebody was awfully interested in these words. They kept referring to them, they called them bad words, dirty, filthy, foul, vile, vulgar, coarse, in poor taste, unseemly, street talk, gutter talk, locker room language, barracks talk, bawdy, naughty, saucy, raunchy, rude, crude, lewd, lascivious, indecent, profane, obscene, blue, off-color, risque, suggestive, cursing, cussing, swearing. And all I could think of was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits, man. That’s all we have, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. That was my original list. I knew it wasn’t complete, but it was a starter set, you know? …mention WBAI? Shit, piss, fuck… yes, WBAI is the one who played them… shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Now, that was the original list. We’ve added a few words since then, we’ve added fart, turd and twat. And I know there are some other words that many of you are wondering about, why they haven’t been considered, why they haven’t shown up on the list thus far. We’re looking at them all very closely. Some of your favorites might make the list this year; asshole, ballbag, hard on, piss hard, blue balls… nookie, snatch, box, pussy, pecker, peckerhead, peckertracks, jism, joint, donicker, dork, poontang, cornhole and dingleberry. Dingleberry, a very popular word. And to my way of thinking, dingleberry a rather innocent sounding word, dingleberry, sounds Christmasy to me, you know? Let’s put one on the tree, dad. So, the words, as I say, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Now, motherfucker came off the list immediately. The first day in fact I had a call from an English language purist, some guy had to, he had to talk, you know? He got on the phone. He tells me I have a duplicate on the list, I have a duplication. He says motherfucker is a duplication of the word fuck, technically. Because fuck is the root form, motherfucker being a derivative, therefore, it constitutes duplication. And I said, hey, motherfucker, how did you get my phone number anyway? How did he know I even had a phone? I said look, man, it may be a derivative, but you still can’t say it. You still can’t say motherfucker on TV, can you? He said no, but you can’t say fuckee, fucking, fuckola, fuckarooni or fuckarino, either. Well, I said, yeah, that would crowd up my list something awful. So I just struck that motherfucker away. I struck it from the list, motherfucker was gone. Now, the list was shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Does is sound like something’s missing? Does it sound like an old friend is gone? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits. Remember the old rhythm? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. Now, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits, it falls apart. It isn’t going anywhere. And by now, cocksucker is the dominant word on the list. Previously, with motherfucker on the list, cocksucker was somewhat balanced out. They were the only multi-syllabic words on the list. But now cocksucker stands alone, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, tits, And who knows, maybe it doesn’t belong either. After all, motherfucker turned out to be a ringer, let’s take a look at cocksucker, see if this one belongs. We’ll divide the word cock and sucker from each other, those words. Sucker isn’t dirty, sucker, it’s suggestive as hell, but it isn’t dirty. And cock, that’s not dirty all the time, that’s one of those words that’s only partly filthy. Cock, if you’re talking about the animal, it’s perfectly all right. They used to read that to us from the bible in third grade, and we would laugh, man. Cock is in the bible. Remember the first time you heard about a cock fight. What? No. Get out of here. Get out of here. Even the word cocksucker itself has been twisted out of all of its original meaning, it’s been distorted. For some reason now, cocksucker means bad man. It’s a good woman, how did they do that? How did they do that? Well, tits is on the end of the list, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. And you know it doesn’t belong on that list. I mean, it really doesn’t belong in with that kind of heavy-weight filth. Tits isn’t dirty, tits is a cute name, cute thing, cute idea, great fun, good name. Tits, hey, tits sounds like a friend. It sounds like a nickname, doesn’t it? Hey, Tits, come here man. Hey, Tits, I want you to meet Toots. Tits, this is Toots, Toots, Tits. Tits, cute word, nice word. I love a word that spells the same forwards and backwards like tit. Don’t you think it’s cute when a word is spelled the same forwards and backwards? I always wished my name was Otto, just so I could walk backwards and yell my name, you know? Otto, Otto, Otto, well, I had strange dreams. But the word tit is on the list because you can’t say it on television. You can’t say tit, imagine that, can’t say tits. You can say boobs. Boob is spelled the same forwards and backwards, too. Boobs is all right. You can’t say tits, but you can say boobs. In fact, boobs is an answer now on Match Game. I had boobs, Gene. Boobs, $200, tits, $200 fine maybe. You can’t say tits. You can say teats, teats is all right, providing you’re on at 5:00 in the morning and a cow is your guest. But you can’t say jugs, and you can’t say knockers, you know? That’s right, Danny, pull on the cow’s knockers. Right, grab a knocker in each hand, that a boy. Now alternate knockers, good deal. You can’t say that. Tits, tits sounds like a snack, you know? Well, I know what you’re thinking, but tits sounds almost, it sounds Nabisco to me. It sounds like Nabisco has… has reserved that name. Cause tits sounds like a thing at a party, pass the tits, would you, Bill? Say, those things are… responding. Well, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart, turd and twat. Fart, fart is like tit, it’s one of those words that isn’t that harmful. You know, it’s just a cute kind of a thing. Farts, well, farts can be a little harmful, it depends, it depends on who’s cooking. But, fart, fart is a cute… hey kids know farts are okay. Kids know farts are fun. Farts are shit without the mess, wow. Yeah, same funny sound, same vile smell, no fuss, no muss. Fart is an interesting word in this respect, talking about television, fart is extremely interesting because, dig this, you can’t say fart on television, we know that. You can’t say fart. And you can’t say fuck, either, on television. However, you can refer to fucking, you can talk about fucking, they do that all the time. Some of the times in the show you’re watching two people are probably fucking in the other room. Fucking is all right, fucking is part of the plot. A lot of plots are based on fucking. Will they fuck, should they fuck, have they fucked, did they fuck, will they fuck again, will they get sick from fucking, are they fucking too much, will they fuck each other’s friends, will they have a baby from fucking, will they be sorry they fucked, will they be glad they fucked? All fuck stories, every honeymoon joke is a fuck joke. Have you ever noticed it? Otherwise the people wouldn’t be on their honeymoon in the joke, they’d be knights or they’d sailors or something. They’re on their honeymoon, it’s got to be a fuck joke. Every little, every news… I’m sorry… every quiz master has stood there with his newlywed couple and said, and I understand you folks are on your honeymoon. Lots of fucking going on here, Lots of fucking over here. So they talk about fucking all they want, they just don’t call it that. They don’t call it what it is. They call it other things, they call it making love, which is fine, they call it going to bed with someone, having an affair, sleeping together, but they don’t call it fucking. On the other hand, fart, not only is fart a word you can’t use on television, but they never even refer to them, that’s how bad farts are compared to fucking. They don’t even refer to farts, there are no farts on television. You’ve never seen a reference to a fart, I’ve never seen a fart reference. No, wouldn’t you think that by now one guy would have gone, whew, whew. Do you think by now that one guy on the Johnny Carson panel just once would have said, hey, Ed, move down, man? Whew, wow. That was a Clydesdale fart, Ed. Give me the lighter, will ya, Johnny, wow. Geez, Ed, next time you’re sick you ought to see the nurse, you know? God, it’s not the smell so much, it’s the burning of my eyes. Well, we might live to see that, you never know. Remember when you were a kid, and maybe you were a little boy child like me, you had on short pants, maybe sitting in church, sitting on a wooden bench in church in the middle of the summer with short pants. You gotta fart, you know? And it’s up to you, you gotta work out a little maneuver that’s called the one cheek sneak. Right in tune with the organ. That’s why they call them pews, you know? Whew, whew, whew. Did you ever notice that your own farts smell okay? Say, that’s fairly decent. I think I’ll stay home today, do some reading in the closet. Now I mentioned the three extra words, fart, turd and twat. Turd is another word you can’t say on television, turd. But, you know, when you get right down to it, who wants to say it? I don’t even care if I ever hear that one again. Twat, twat is on the list for the same reason. It doesn’t mean anything else, you know? It only has that one meaning, twat’s twat, and that’s that. It’s not like prick, prick is one of those part-time dirty words. Prick is all right, you can say prick on television. You can say I pricked my finger, just don’t say you fingered your prick, that’s all. Now there are two words left which I will wind this thing up with, one of them is not, uh, dirty all the time, one of them is. Ball or balls is a word that’s mostly clean. It has many clean meanings, but… but it has a couple of meanings that might get you in trouble. And ball is one of those words you gotta think about how you’re gonna say it, and maybe you have to watch out for just a moment, but it’s okay for sports people, perfectly all right. When you’re a kid you grow up, they tell ya, go play with your ball. Really? But it’s okay for the sports announcer on the Game of the Week to tell you that Pete Rose has two balls on him, no problem at all. The whole country nods in agreement. But the announcer can’t tell you that he hurt his balls. He can’t tell Tony Kubeck, Tony, I think he hurt his balls on that play. It looks like it, he’s holding onto them. Well, that’s right, generally when they hurt their balls, they hold them, and he’s holding his, and I’d say he’s hurt them. Never mention ball injuries, they don’t say the balls were hurt, they say groin injuries. He had a groin injury. Do you know why we call it a groin injury, that’s the noise you make when you get hit there. Groin. Now, then, the other word I wanted to remind you of was the word fuck, which of course is the champ of the all-time dirty words. When they’re always dirty, by God, fuck is right at the head of the pack. Fuck’s a good, strong word. It’s a good, strong word for its purpose, and it’s a word that a lot of people have trouble with. Uh, it’s a… it’s an honest word, it’s a… it’s a forceful word, it has a lot of emotional baggage with it. When you hear the word fuck, you’re not just hearing the word, you’re hearing everything you ever heard about fucking. I mean, we have a lot of attitudes about fucking, some of them are rationale, and some of them aren’t. Some of them have joy in them, some have guilt and fear and all sorts of things, and the word fuck carries with it a lot of emotional baggage. When they say fuck. You go what, oh, oh, good. Oh, I thought you meant do it right away. God, you know, it’s, uh, it’s just a word that, that, well, it’ll clear the room awfully quick in some households. It’s a heavy, good, strong word. It’s a proud sounding word to me. Fuck, fuck, I am fuck. Who are you? Fuck of the Mountain. I just, uh, I just feel the word is getting a bad shake. The word has an image problem. The word fuck needs public relations help. It’s just a word, you know? That’s what you have to remember, it’s just a word, but it’s in such bad shape. Here’s a word that started out okay, it started out all right, nothing wrong with the word fuck originally. I mean, there it was, you’re not a bad word, you’re not a bad word, you’ve just gotten in with bad company, people. That’s all, just the word was all it was. The word in the original old English, as best I can find, fuck only meant to hit, to smite, to… to perhaps hit with a stick, to fuck the tree, to fuck the rock, to fuck thee. That’s all, and pretty soon, that’s all, I’ll hit you with my dick, honey. Look at that, that’s all it was, just a little, I’ll knock a little fuck on you there. That’s all it was, was a love tap when you get right down to it. That’s all fuck ever meant. All fuck ever meant was to make love, and to make life at the same time. That’s pretty magic. I mean, pretty noble things we think about, making love and making life, here was fuck hanging around with words like love and life. How did it get such a bad reputation? We fucked it up. Yeah, well, we… we put the aggression back into the word. Fuck you, fuck you, you fuck. Fuck you, you fuck. Who the fuck do you think you’re fucking with, some kind of a fuckhead? Fuck you. Who the fuck do you think you’re fucking with, me? Don’t fuck with me, I’ll fuck over you. You fuck with me and you’ll get fucked, you fuck. Don’t fuck with me, I’m the fucker. Don’t fuck with the fucker. God, it sounds like combat, man. It’s got an awful lot, there’s an awful lot of hostility in the way that word is used. There’s an awful lot of aggression going down in the name of fucking, imagine that. I’d just like to help a little, my feeling was, hey, here’s a word that, uh, maybe we could save, you know, just by paying a little close attention to it. The trouble is with all that aggression and all that violence, that we lose track of those two things, and people start talking about sex and violence like they’re one thing. There’s some sort of an overlapping, there’s some sort of a gray area between sex and violence that some people really are confused about. There are people running around talking about sex and violence as if it’s one thing, as if it starts with an S and ends with a E. We’re gonna stamp it out of the comics, we’re gonna stamp it out of the Dixie Cup, we’re gonna stamp it out of homes. Sex and violence, hey, they are different, after all. And, some people even like them together, there are, true, people who do like a little violence with their sex. I’m not… I don’t care for that myself, I like my violence a little earlier in the afternoon, you know? Right around 2:00 o’clock a real good ass kicking and then everything’s all right. But, uh, the word make love, not war, someone pointed it out finally, they made it very clear for us. Make love, not war. I wish I had thought of that phrase, you know? I really would have been very happy with myself if I had thought of that one. Man, I would have retired the same day. I would have left my car at the red light, man. I’d say that’s it, folks, I’m going to the beach. You got it, make love, not war. Well, I didn’t think of it, but I do have my own phrase; make fuck, not kill. It’s not as graceful a phrase, but I’m not looking to retire, either. The whole idea of make fuck, not kill, is simply to switch the meanings of the words. I suggest that for one year we trade meanings on fuck and kill, just fuck for kill, and kill for fuck, that’s it. Don’t worry about what they really are, someone else will take care of real fucking and real killing. I’m just worried about what we call it… them. We call them fucking and killing. I say switch them around. I think it would be an insight, I think we’d get a new slant on how we feel about these words if we just change fucking for killing for about a year, that’s all. Imagine it. Sure would be fun watching TV during that time, huh? Better get down off the horse, Sheriff, we’re fixing to fuck you now. Mad fucker still on the loose. Not anymore, he’s made his first big mistake, my friend, he fucked a cop today. That makes him a cop fucker. Pardon me, boys, my horse broke his leg, I’m gonna have to fuck him, I’ll be right back. Shamu, the fucker whale. And To Fuck a Mockingbird, hold gently by the wings. So all I’m trying to suggest is that fuck you can be a positive phrase. If you hear it from across the street… Fuck you. Okay. And thank you for being a part of this, and I mean it a lot. And I thank the people that aren’t here tonight that were here the other two nights. And there’s an awful lot of people to thank, but I want to do one thing before I go any further, cause I am gonna split. There’s somebody that’s very important to this project and to me. Brenda, would you please come here? I want to introduce you to my wife of 17 years. She is the associate producer, and she is my honey, and if she don’t come out here now, come here, honey, I want you to give me a kiss. My wife Brenda Carlin. Come here, honey. Thank you, lover. See you later. Thank you all, and goodnight, I love you, and fuck you."
1686241858-142,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,ELLEN DEGENERES: THE BEGINNING (2000) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/ellen-degeneres-the-beginning-2000-full-transcript/,"Ladies and gentlemen, please, welcome Ellen Degeneres.
 Thank you, thank you.. Thank you very much. Yeah, woo… This is a very emotional night for me, you have no idea, ehm or maybe you do now. This has been quite a journey for me and… to lead to this night, because since I made the decision to come out three years ago… Easy for you to say, yeah… My life has been very interesting the last three years. And I knew people would maybe want me to talk about it, some people may not want me to talk about it,… and I went back and forth trying to decide should I talk about it or not. Ultimately I’ve decided: NO, I don’t want to talk about it. It has been talked about enough… How can I even, what would I say? I feel it would be best expressed… through interpretive dance… “HEY EVERYBODY, I AM GAY!”
 So, that’s what happened… It is interesting, because… being down there, and I know a lot of people have been down there, it doesn’t matter, what the reason is, and it is a very symbolic thing, it’s a mental thing… when you are down there, there are times, you do not believe you will ever… ever get up again. It’s a scary place and it’s very dark… But I believe that is when you grow the most, when you face your fears. That’s when you grow. So I have decided, I am gonna face every fear I have. I am gonna challenge myself every opportunity I get. People always try to make you feel better: There is nothing to fear but fear itself. OK, great, now I am scared of fear, thank you very much, wasn’t before. I also decided to get rid of the need of approval… That is a strong addiction, need of approval, isn’t it? I am on a patch right now actually, it releases a small doses of approval, until I no longer crave it, then I’m gonna rip it off. Cause if I make that decision to get back on the stage, I thought I cannot worry, what people think about me. There are things that need to be said that I will say… I will… I know, a lot of people don’t want me to say them, cause people think once something has stayed a certain way for a certain amount of time, leave it alone, don’t change it. But I think, things need to change… and I will point them out to you tonight I will say these things.
 For instance: Do we still need directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? Oh yeah, I’ve said it… Whose shampooing for the first time? Anybody? And if you are, you can’t read anyway. You’re like a wild crazy ape person that has been raised in the wild by monkeys or wolves or something nurturing that would raise ya. Reptiles won’t raise you, they don’t even raise their own young, Don’t expect them to raise you. Those monitor lizards don’t even look that dangerous, but those tail’ll whip around, slapping your head and break your neck. So if you are in the wild, try to catch the eye of a monkey or a wolf or something like that… Don’t look them directly in the eye, that is threatening to them actually… Just sideways, if you walk next to them, and kinda glance… Actually, if you are lower, that is even less threatening… just… Don’t smile, if you show your teeth, that’s also threatening. So say some hikers find ya… you know… That is a big find; if they find a crazy wild ape person, they’re gonna bring you back to civilization certainly. But they’re not gonna just throw you in the shower and expect you to know how to shampoo your head… They’re gonna shampoo your head for you… And then you would mimic that. That is how you survive so long in the wild by mimicking things… So who needs the directions on the back of a shampoo bottle? And it is not bad enough there are directions, there is a 0800 number on the back. In case the directions are too vague for you. Rinse and repeat, but how many times? To be the only thing to be more pathetic than calling the 0800 number is working at the 0800 number. Alright, let’s go through this again, shall we? Right… I am gonna stop you,… did you wet your hair first? You’re welcome… That’s my job. Thank you… Thank you for holding? It’s about the size of a quarter in the palm of your hand? No, can’t be two dimes and a nickel… No, can’t be three nickels and a dime. What, cause it can’t spread out that way… that’s why… then you just rinse and repeat… Oh my… How old are you? You should repeat seven more times then. What a fascinating story… What did you survive on? Nuts and berries or what? Wolves? MY GOODNESS… And they just nuzzled you?! Aaaw… No, I can’t help you with the conditioner, you’re gonna have to call that line on your own. I’m fascinated by animals… all of nature fascinates me.. You ever watch ants? You have the kind of time like me? It’s for a while there. It’s interesting, because if you watch them… they’re always in that long single-file line, if you notice that… They’re always in that single-file line, they don’t have to be… There are no lanes painted for them they were forced to stay in… They can go anywhere on the ground that they wanna go, but they stay in the line. Don’t you think, there has got to be the one ant, that asshole ant in the back, just filled with road rage back there, just… “Common, let’s go!” You’ve ever noticed, sometimes an ant will pick up a dead ant and walk around with that dead ant carrying that around? That’s to get into the car-pull lane to pass up that line. I’m pretty sure. And we kill them like crazy… Just any kind of way, we can kill ants, we kill them… orange soda, any kind of liquid will do… just kill ’em… cause the smaller something is, the easier it is for to kill it, cause… we don’t see their little expressions right before we’re killing them… It’s true, we’ll just kill anything.. Fly gets into the house.. kill it right away! Kill the fly! What’s wrong with us? What is the matter with us? We’ve named them, they’re called HOUSE flies, that is their name. They know, where to be… You don’t see a horse fly trying to get it in there… they’re on a horse sw, they stay on the horses… Flies are amazing, they are inside… They’re flying all over the place until they find a mirror, you noticed that? They find a bathroom mirror and they are there for about an hour… they don’t move… I think, it is cause they think, they’ve found another fly. They’re having a conversation with that fly: Thank god, I thought I was alone… You look very familiar. I am very attracted to you… You’re a good listener.. OK, here is the deal: I think there is an open window, you go tell the other flies we’ve have found a house, I’ll wait here… Go, I’m gonna wait here… Alright, I’ll go… Hey, you wait here… Don’t come with me! Are you mocking me? Stay very very still! There comes that human! Finally, she’s gonna read that Greenpeace newsletter. Why is she rolling it up? I don’t like to kill things, I really don’t, I’ll try not to kill st, if I can avoid it, I’ll get it out of the house. People like to kill things, a spider gets in, whatever, kill it… I will take a piece of cardboard and I’ll try my best to get it out of the door, if I can… anything, that is in the house. Not anything, let me qualify that… If it’s a burglar, I’m not gonna take a piece of cardboard… OUT, OUT,… Sir… Sir… OUT! If a spider gets in the house, people wanna kill the spider right away. Spider doesn’t know, you don’t want it in there. It’s not like you posted signs all over the place: “KEEP OUT SPIDER” Which to me would be very arrogant assuming they only speak English… But our ego tells us, we are the only ones that have any kind of feeling, we’re the only ones with the relationship, we’re are the only ones with family. You know, I think that if you kill a spider, there is a relationship that you are ruining. There is a conversation going on outside with the other spiders: Did you hear about Chris? Sneaker… And now Stephanie has 900 babies to raise all alone… She’s got her legs full, I tell you that, right now… Chris was so kind, wouldn’t hurt a fly. It’s just been though for them lately, they just lost their web last week. Those humans think, they are so smart… Let them try shoot silk out of their bottom, see what they could make. It’s true. Admit,… if you look at a spider web, that is magnificent to me… Look at a spider web and see what they can do. Look at a bird’s nest and see what that is… At least nature uses every single thing they’ve got… We don’t, we’re capable of so much more and we just don’t use it… You know that Nelson Mandela quote: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate,… our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us… “Bla, bla, bla,… ” whatever he says.. It’s true. They say we use 10% of our brain… 10%… Imagine, what we could accomplish, if we used the other 60%… do you know, what I’m saying? I like to think I am smart and I am constantly reminded just… left and right, that I am just not as… smart as… Every single time I drive my Toyota Land Cruiser into an underground parking structure, I duck… every single time… Don’t trust it…
 I am loosing my mind just slowly the older I get,… I am doing things that are starting to scare me, like I’ll be walking out of the house, I’ve just had a banana, so I’ve got the banana peel in one hand my car keys in the other hand… I go to the trash, I throw my car keys away and I walk out with my banana peel. Constantly doing things like that… I forget people’s names all the time.. that’s a REALLY bad one for me… People I totally should know, too. They are coming up to me at a party night I just start panicking and I have to do that fake-out thing: I am sorry, remind me again, how do you pronounce your name? [‘kath-ee], ok… So the emphasis is on the first syllable… [‘kaeth-ee] For some reason I was gonna say [kaeth-‘ee]… Look at you… I have a hard time staying focused for long periods of time… That’s… I try,… I really try… I do… Somebody is talking to me and I’m there as long as I can possibly hold on and then I just driiiift off… I don’t know, where I go, but I’m not here, just the mouth moving in front of me. Have no clue, what it is, they’re saying… Then I realize I am gone and I don’t know, how long I’ve been gone. So I start to come back… I just catch the word “leotard” and I am like “what the… ” and I’m back… And I am wondering, if they know that I was gone and I am back… cause my facial expression has changed so drastically… So I try to play with it like what it looked like before, so it wasn’t so… Still I am not listening, cause I am worried about my facial expression and what that’s looking like. Then I totally go off again, like: Is it everybody I talk to, is everybody boring, or is it me, do I have ADD? If so, I’m sure there is some kind of clinic, or some place I could go get tested for that… to find our for sure, but who’s got that kind of time and patience to… call them up and make an appointment and find out where they’re located, drive down there and take a test… sit around and find out the answer… I know I have ADD, cause I don’t have the patience to go and find out, if I have ADD. It’s like people, who take Ginkgo Biloba every day. If you can remember to take it every day, you DON’T NEED IT! So anyway… so now I am back and there is that space… that silence… they’ve clearly finished talking… And you’ve no idea, what they said… So you have to do that fake-out thing… That is not good enough, they’re still kinda staring at ya… Do, what I do, if I can help you out, I am pleased to do it, cause I know, it’s an awkward situation for all of us… I always say something about Gloria Estephan… I’m telling ya, it works, if you commit to it… She can work in any conversation you can possibly… It could be like: “Whats that got to do with copper plumbing?” And you’re like: “Gloria Estephan is the copper plumbing of the music industry. ” I mean, look at her, she’s beautiful, durable, reliable, indestructible. Look, how she came back after that bus accident, are you gonna debate me on this? And do that, that brings it on home… I think people talk too much anyway… talk, talk, talk… Sometimes people’re talking and in my mind I’m like: “Shut up, shut up,… ” “bla, bla, bla… ” Right? People are sc… alright… Now you’re with me… People are scared of silence… Aren’t they? You find silence, people always have to fill it with st. The world is so full of noise. It is so hard to find silence. I believe that silence is golden. It is the one thing I hold on to. It is where all of our answers are. It is, where our truth is, our passion,… our path,… our everything. All of the answers are in silence, if you can find it. I was outside not too long ago, I tried to meditate. I closed my eyes. And I got to that still place,… that everybody talks about. Just for a moment, but I was there. And the first message that I got… so strongly and so clear was… we are all one… Every living thing, we are all connected. The next thing I felt was this little tiny thing in the palm of my hand… there is this little mosquito in the palm of my hand, this little prehistoric-looking creature… this strange bug… And I’m thinking about, what I just thought, I look at this thing… then I just killed it… and then I went back to my lovely state of being… the next thing I heard was: “Would you like anything else or will that be all?” told the waiter I was meditating, “idiot, thanks a lot for interrupting… ” He wouldn’t get any tip, I’ll tell you that… It took him forever to get that veal anyway, so… I decided an outdoor coffee was not the place to be spiritual, people are too rude and stupid… So I left… I started walking to my car… which was like three blocks away… because the parking situation is crazy… cause the world overpopulated with the wrong kind of people… and back to the loving place… so I am walking and I see my car, and I see a meter-mate standing at my car… writing a ticket… and I’m like: “Oh, please, wait, stop, please don’t write the ticket, I am here. ” and she’s like: “I am sorry, but you’re parked illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” and I like “Oh, illegally in front of a fire-hydrant. ” And she is like: “Please, stop talking to me that way. ” And I am like: “What way?” It was fun… and so… I said: “Please, be compassionate,… ” don’t give me the ticket, I’m here… and she said: “Oh, I’m sorry,… ” I’ve already started writing, I can’t stop. Oh that’s how, you’ve already started writing, so you can’t stop… OK… Well,… I would not like to hit you, but my fist is already in the air, OK? and back to the loving place. So I get in my car, and I lit up a cigarette and prayed to where I would be lead… and I heard: “Drive!”, it was her… And I’m like: “Alright… ” So I start driving… It is so hard to drive and be compassionate and loving. Cause the way people drive… it’s just enough to… I’m telling ya… I was behind sb, they were going so slow… I could had gotten out of my car and walked around it going. Sorry to have to pass you, but you’re going a little too slow. Anyway, so I went to go around them to give them the I-hate-you look. How else are they gonna learn?! It’s up to us… so… I went to go around them and it was… a nun… can you believe that?! I was like: why don’t you take a vow no to drive… drop it like a bad habit. …and back to the loving place and… again praying to where I would be lead… Then I see a health-food store just right there, appears right before my eyes. That seems spiritual, I have never been in a health-food store before… I don’t know, if you’ve ever been in a health-food store, but hey, if this is healthy, sorry, don’t wanna be it. Oh, I aspire to be you… uhm… They are so proud of themselves, too… Guess how old I am! I don’t know… Guess how old I… 30? I am 16, but the point is I’ve never had diary… OK, whatever,… They think they know it all. Let me see your tongue.. What? Let me see your tongue… You’re full of toxins. I said: “You are full of toxins, what a stupid thing to say to me?” I needed a herb… for st inside, I mean like a spleen or something that is inside… Cause st needed st… because of st that happened… and so… they do this thing called kinesiology… they put the herbs in your hand and if your arm goes down, you need that… which is so… stupid,… it sounds stupid, but but it’s not, it works, I tell you what, because last week I was in Gucci,… and I had a sweater in my hand and it went right down. Couple of minutes earlier I had a dress in my hand and it didn’t go down at all… Don’t need it… So anyway, so then he said… he, she… I don’t know, what it was… It’s name was Earth Spirit… Was that a boy’s name? Earth Spirit is all like: “You need some wheat grass juice. ” And I was like: “Wheat grass juice, do I need a sprout wrap, too?” He said: “Youre aura is brown.. ” I said: “Youre aura is brown, what a stupid thing to say to me?!” We’re gonna have to call the security guard… Oh, the health-food security guard, what is his name? “Whispering Pine”? Why, is meat breath offending you? So anyway, they kicked me out, I left… and… So I’m driving again… back to the loving place and praying to where I would be lead.. and then it hit me: You’re out of rum… If you’re quite, it’ll come… So I went to the liquor store and… no parking ever, you know,… so I had to park across the street in some parking-lot, because again… you know… wrong kind of people… So I am going to liquor store getting the rum and a pack of smokes… and some rolling papers… Peace! So I come out and go to my car… Parking attendant standing right next to my car He wasn’t there, when I got out… parking attendant standing right there Oh, you can’t park here for that establishment. You must go in here and purchase st and get validated… I said: “Please, be compassionate, idiot. ” “No, you have to go in here… “ Anyway,… it looked like a spiritual type place: It was called “Pleasure Chest”, or st like that.. Some type of toy store, I would guess… unsafe toys… cause I’d been playing with some of them… this pogo stick is going to hurt sb… I don’t know… who… is gonna.. it’s bad… on your back… and it’s… not sturdy… so… that’s what I was thinking.. Anyway… I had to get st… and it was getting late.. I didn’t wanna deal with the traffic and have to get into the car-pull lane. So I bought a blow-up doll, which they had… I don’t know, if I didn’t blow it up properly, or… Anyway, it was deflating, it was loosing air… that’s the… And so, I had to pull over on the side of the road and… why they put the valve in the crouch area, I don’t know. It’s silly… it’s what it is blowing up… So there I am on the side of the road… Linda… I named her… That’s when there is a knock at the window… and it’s a cop of course… And I thought, OK… This does not look good at all.. And it does not help matters any that I am naked.. Now, I’ll tell why that is.. Well, if you are going to buy a blow-up doll,… before warned that they do not come with clothes… I don’t know, what that’s about, but there is no clothes or anything… You can’t ever dress them up… So I thought, I am not gonna look like a crazy person, driving around with a naked passenger. I am not STUPID… So there I am NAKED… Well except for the harness, but forget about the harness… and the captain’s hat and the paddle and so. There I am on the side of the road getting handcuffed… in my harness and a captain’s hat and a paddle holding Linda… and the cop said: “You have the right to remain silent. ” I was like: “Finally, that’s what I’ve been… ” looking for all along… It is hard to find the silence, isn’t it? just hard.. Even when it’s silent, it’s not silent… Even at night, when you are trying to go to sleep… just quiet.. Your head just doesn’t stop, Your brain just goes and goes… ?all these nuns, equator; fragmented, weird thoughts? that just pop in you head, that is when you find at how boring, YOU actually are. It’s just you, just your thoughts… you’re trying to go to sleep all of a sudden I like grapes. That was a good restaurant, we went to today. That was some good tuna salad. Not too much mayo… I should start making my own tuna salad. Silly to go out and pay for st, I can make at home. I should have ordered st I don’t know how to make… like eggplant and parmigiano… or st like that. I’ve never really liked eggplant, but the parmigiano sounds interesting. I think I left money in my pants. If it’s a one I don’t care, but if it’s a twenty I wanna get that out of there. It’s fun to find money though, that’s fun… You’re not really finding money, it’s your money… I got to remember that… money in the pants, money in the pants… What’s in the pants? Money. Money in the pants… em ‘n’ the pee, em ‘n’ the pee,… Ah, now I have to pee… I just peeded, I don’t really have to pee, I just think I have to pee… If I don’t pee now, I am gonna get up in the middle of the night… and gonna be mad, I didn’t pee now… Now, I am not gonna wake up to much… I am just gonna keep my eyes closed and pee with my eyes closed… Get back in bed, that is when the weird images start, that is the next phase, just these images… Giant olive,… what? Cloris Reachman’s face How come? And that’s when the song starts… and you cannot stop the song or anything… The more you try to stop the song… the more the song goes over and over again in your head… just… Bye Manan.. Stop it! Please, stop! Bye Manan… Stop it! Please! Shut up! Shut up! And then you hear: “Shut up!” Who’s talking? And that’s when you realize, that it’s you inner child, just playing with you… just talking back and forth to you… Cause you don’t play with our inner child anymore… so your inner child is wide awake and just wants to play… and here you are negotiating with you inner child that night… Please, I have a very busy day tomorrow,… Oh, please, I have a very busy day Bye Manan… Stop it! That’s why people are so angry and grumpy and ragefull all day long, cause their inner child has kept them up all night long.. and their exhausted and their inner child is just sound asleep now… That child doesn’t go anywhere… we still have that child in us, each one of us has that child… that we need to play with every day and we would sleep better… I don’t know what happens… but somewhere along the way we just get so jaded, we loose that joy, and that bliss, when you look in a child’s eyes they’re happy with just about every single thing Just watching them learn, how to walk. Their eyes are just… they can’t believe they’re walking. they’re so excited that they’re walking and just that’s so happy for them… and then we get older… I got to walk… No, I’ll get it… We lose that sense of play that we should all… I don’t know… Why do we stop playing games? Just go to a total stranger tomorrow on the street… Just go to them and touch them: “You’re it!” and just run away… It would be so fun, you know! Maybe they will here? just do it back to you. Just try it tomorrow.. Have a giant game of tag going on the street all the time Everybody playing with their briefcases and backpacks… walking along,”Who’s it?”, “Ugh… You’re it”, “No, you’re it!” At work just play,… when your boss comes in looking for you just play hide-and-seek… just duck behind the desk… What are they gonna do? Fire you? Was just playing hide-and-seek… I… Children are so amazing, they just remind you of how simple things should be… I have a godchild that is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.. my godchild, she’s an angel… she’s just a little precious… just… ray of light… she’s two… or six… I don’t know… but she is… Kids have fun so easily… You are on a plane and there is a kid in front of you… a two-year old… or a four-year old… peek-a-boo… that’s all they need… they don’t care about in-flight entertainment or anything. peek-a-boo is enough for them, just to make them giggle. all it takes for you to make a little kid just giggle is go: “Boo!” and then they duck down, they’re so excited… they never get tired of that game though… They will play from here to Paris… they just… A couple of hours in, you’re trying to end that game… I don’t know… my imagination is… that stops me… sometimes… when you’re a kid imagination is fun. and nobody tries to stop you. When you get older, all of a sudden you use your imagination to keep you from doing things. At least for me… like… I wanna do st and I’ll just think… oooh.. what if? You know that thing? Let’s say for instance: I am out of cheese, ok? And then I’ll think: Oooh, but what if… I go to the store and they’re out of cheese? I’d be like:”How can you be out of cheese?” and they would be like: “What do you mean like, how can we be out of cheese. ” “You’re out of cheese, people run out of cheese. ” Then I’d be like: “Yeah, but you’re a store… ” you should have cheese stocked up in the back, for people like me… coming in looking for cheese… and that is when they send the manager over, who thinks he is so cool for being a manager. Cause his picture is framed in front of the store, cause he is the manager. and he would be like: “What seems to be the problem, MA’M?” which to me is so condescending as”little lady” and I’d be like: “The little lady’s problem… ” he’d be like: “Who is the little lady?” I’d be like: “Shut up and listen to me… ” You’re out of cheese and I want some… He’s like: “How about some cottage cheese?” Like he is gonna negotiate the situation, he is a diplomat. He is the manager… And I’d be like: “I don’t want cottage cheese… ” I want cheddar cheese… sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese and not the same thing. Just cause they have cheese in the title, doesn’t make it a cheese at all. It would be like going to a music instrument store, “and say I’d like to buy a trumpet and they’d say:” “I am sorry, but we’re all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoehorn?” See, that is not the same thing, Mr. Manager “Thank you for the shoehorn!”… You know… He starts getting all nervous and everything cause a crowd has formed… and then he starts feeling humiliated, cause their all sitting around and mumbling. What seems to be the problem? I don’t know, she wants some cheese. and so he just slaps me right across the face. And so… that’s when Skip, the part-time guy, who works there, who hates the manager… cause he thinks he is so cool for being the manager… and treats Skip like shit, cause he is just a part-time guy. Skip is gonna quit on the phone and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money, he is from a wealthy family, he’s just doing it for the experience, cause his family wants him to work on summer. So anyway, he takes the hose and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye. but that’s when he is leaning down to pick up the cottage cheese. So he misses him and get the old woman who’s standing right behind him, she’s there picking an avocado, cause the older you get the less you eat. And all she wants is the avocado… So she screams out: My eye, I’ve been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose. That is when her nephew, who is visiting from Austin, Texas… is two aisles over picking out tortilla chips… cause he thinks they are gonna have some guacamole.?it’s one avocado. and so he start running: “I’ll help you, aunt so-and-so!” running and then, when he is running down the aisle… he slips on the water from the produce hose, break his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there… gets a stitch put into his cheekbone, just one, but it’s still a stitch chaos breaks out… it is all over the Hard Copy and Entertainment Tonight, Access Holywood Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot I don’t even want the cheese… To me the key to being fashionable… and I’ve been interviewed on this hunderets of times… is standing out, but fitting in… that is what it is.. You don’t want to wear st too wild… that sb notices and is kind of freaky, you know but you also don’t wanna wear some outfit that someone could have exact same thing on when you show up at the party. That’s embarassing.. I don’t know, if it has happened to you, but it’s happened to me twice… Both times, it was William Shatner and I’ll tell you st… I think, I look better in the tubed top and I’ll say it… I don’t know, I dress kinda boring… I don’t care… I don’t go for the trendy stuff I don’t unders… sometimes I think, the fashion designers are just trying to see what they can get away with… You know, they come up with some of these things and I am just looking at them like I’m talking about the sarong and sari which is the same thing… I think, and if not, I am so wrong and so sorry, but… There was a time, there was the dressing room. You could walk into a door, there were a whole door… and you could close to door and you could try on clothes… and cry… or whatever you do in a dressing room… But you had a door. There is no door any longer… You go to try and close ’em… the door is just getting higher and higher up… and lower and lower down You’re trying to get undressed behind a 2×4 back there… People can the underwear going down around your ankles… I don’t know about you, but I always take my underwear off no matter what I’m trying on. Just a habit really… That’s so the salesperson can get to you. cause they couldn’t before… for the door, they’d just be on the outside of the door: “Can I get you anything, you need anything, everything alright?” “How is everything? Can I get you anything?” Now they can just poke their head in: “Can I get you anything?” “How is everything? Everything alright?” Rollin’ upside down on their little car mechanic?(car creeper). I said, I would call you, Rachel, I don’t need anything. Scoop… Booa, they check on you a lot, don’t they? What could be going so wrong, that they need to check on you that often. “MY BRA IS IN MY ASS!” “RACHEL!” I’d like to see how far they’ll go to help you, if you tell them your bra is in your ass. “Oh my, it’s in the ass?” Do you need a different size or color I don’t know what to do… about the bra in the ass.. I’ll get the manager, I don’t know… And they have taken the mirror out of the dressing room. So you are forced to walk out to take a look at yourself. So they get another crack at you, to tell you, how you look. Cause you don’t have opinions of your own. That looks fabulous… Really? Yes, your ass looks fabulous… That is how they get you. They tell you, your ass looks good, you are buying it. That blouse, makes your ass looks fabulous… Is that your bra? Well, it makes your ass look fabulous. The ass is such an important thing, that we check out our asses like crazy, when we try on clothes… ?check out our ass, our entire facial expression changes. We make the ass face suddenly, it is that kind of… That’s my asssssss… And that’s my ass that way… I’m gonna walk away, and that’s my ass… We don’t make the ass face, when we are at home… naked, looking at ourselves in the mirror… Totally different face then… ?that there? I am amazed by people, who are just so comfortable with their nakedness… it doesn’t matter, what they look like… they’re just totally comfortable being naked. I love that… I mean, I… I admire that in p… I think that people… that are like the ones most compfortable being naked… are people, who videotape their sex… You gotta be so confident about your body… videotaping your sex… Because, no matter, how much your partner loves you… in the heat of everything, stuff is moving so fast… and going on, you know… You’re watching it back on video tape, you’re risking your partner going: “I never saw that before!” “Have you seen this on yourself right there?” I don’t know, I just… feel like… People, who videotape their sex there is only one of two reasons that you’re doing it cause, either you are so egotistical… you’re looking at it together going: “Look at us!” We are hot! Look at us, look at us… Look at me, look at me… Look at you, look at me again, look, look, look… Look at me, you Or you are looking at it together like football players to try to improve for the next time… to get better, you know… Alright, let’s take a look right here, shall we? OK,here is what I’m talking about, see how your elbow is up so high? and your back is arched right there? Not the best time to do it, I think I’d hold on with that until… THERE… that is when you do it, right there. And what’s going on right here? What’s up? What is happening right there? Huh? I’ll tell you: nothing… A lot of energy, a lot of energy… Look at my face! Nothing going on! You might wanna check in once in a while. I know I am biting my lip, it’s to keep from laughing. Where did you come up with that little techniq? Did you make that up? I thought so. Don’t do it! Don’t cry! Come on! This is how we learn… Let’s go, get back in there and try again, come on! What do you mean, you are not in the mood? I don’t know, I don’t understand a lot of the stuff that people are into. But I do believe, that everyone has the right to do, whatever they wanna do with their bodies. If it makes you feel good, do it. It is your life… It is your body… Two contending adults… I just don’t understand a lot of it. Like people who are into the Mile High Club? Wanting to have sex in the bathroom on the b… I don’t understand that, I have questions! How do you even have room to fit two people in there to have sex? I barely have room to have sex in there by myself. I have to leave the door open a smidge cause my leg has to be like that… That’s how I like it! Sex… that’s a… boy, that will separate you… You tell sb what you are into… and people are: “Uuh, you like that? You are weird!” That separates people like crazy, when you talk about sexuality. Very interesting, we have this huge debate going on right now… about same-sex marriage. There are people, who are against it, there are people, who are for it. and the people, who are against it some people say: Marriage is a union between a man and a woman… it’s always been that way and it should always remain that way. if we change it and it’s between two people of the same sex. then, what is next? Someone could marry an animal? That’s where they go to right away. These people scare me… And they think, we are weird. I don’t wanna marry a goat, I really don’t I can’t imagine marrying a goat, I can’t even imagine dating a goat. Getting to the point that you’re so serious to make that kind of commitment Till you’ve lived together for a while to figure it out and see of you are compatible. I am just picturing the apartment with you and the goat. Photographs all over the place. You and the goat on the beach running holding hands… You and the goat with the 4 for 1 photo strip Sunday morning, you’re trying to read the paper… It’s trying to eat it… Don’t you eat that section, I haven’t read that, yet. Don’t you eat, don’t you eat, come here… Love you, you… goat. I think that would be a though day even for the most liberal parents the day you bring the goat home. Mom, dad, this is Billy… We are in love… If you don’t like st, say you don’t like it, say you disapprove of it. say, it’s your opinion, that you don’t like it… or it’s wrong. Everyone’s got a right for their opinion. I fully believe that. But when people bring God into it and say: God says this, God wants this, God believes that… I don’t know, how you do that. I don’t know, how you speak for someone else, because until you are sitting with someone and hear it for yourself with your own ears… out of someone else’s mouth it’s hard to speak for someone else That’s what I believe… I have learned in this business to not believe anything I read or hear until I sit down with that person and hear it for myself. That’s one of the ? of this business. You get to meet a lot of interesting people. and you get to have a lot of interesting conversations. I’ve been lucky enough I’ve met the president, and Oprah, and Madonna, and lot of people and so… it was a matter of time before I would met God and I have. What a day that was! I will tell ya something, this was magical for me cause I was invited over to God’s house one afernoon… for a fondue and chablis. Normally, I don’t like chablis, but it was nice, it was dry… with a peppery oak aftertaste. I’m getting ahead of myself, anyway, so… I get up to God’s house. As I am pulling up, Jeniffer Love Hewitt was just leaving. She is sweet… So I go in and I’m sitting in God’s living room… and I’m waiting… It’s bright in there, let me tell you that. Every lamp was on, crazy, crazy bright in there. So I’m sitting there and I’m waiting. And I started thinking… Wonder what he is dressed like… I wonder, if he’s wearing that robe all the time. Because I feel like that about the Pope like once in a while, don’t you think he throws a pair of shorts and a tank? Chillin’ out… Then I start thinking: I wonder, if I am dressed appropriatelly to meet God. I don’t know, how you are supposed to dress… and then I realize, God’s seen me naked. I just took my clothes off. So I’m looking around the living room and in front of me there is a coffee table with two magazines on: Teen People and Guns and Amo. A poster of a kitten on the wall: Hang in there, baby! Pictures of Jesus EVERYWHERE… I mean You can’t even believe, how many pics of Jesus there were. Picture of Jesus on a pony with a cowboy hat. Picture of Jesus on a beach with the T-shirt that said: My parents created the universe and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. I was getting nervous, I’m gonna meet God… and just a minute, I don’t even know, how to greet God. Do I shake hands? Do I courtesy or do I bow? Do we hug? I feel close enough to God. To hug God, but I know, many people want to hug me because TV does that. But I don’t want to hug a lot of these people. It’s just trying to be respectful. A couple of minutes later, God walks in the room carying a try of fondue and chablis. I would say, she was about forty-seven, forty-eight years old… Just beautiful, beautiful black woman. We just immediately hugged… she smelled so good,… she said, it was Kelvin Klein’s Obsession. We sat down and started drinking the chablis and talking about the weather… what was gonna happen to it. I was asking different questions, a bunch of questions… I was just curious about. What is the hardest thing about being God… She said, trusting people… You never know, if people really like you… Or if it’s just cause you’re God. People always want st from you. they want money and they want more money… that’s what they ask a lot, nobody ever thanks anymore. The only people, who thank, are boxers and rappers. Rappers are singing songs like: “Slap the bitch up the ass. ” I’d like to thank the Lord Almighty for this award… Praise Jesus… Nobody cares about the miracles anymore. Miracles just go by unnoticed. I said: “What was the last miracle?” and she cried… she was upset that I had to ask. It’s the toilette that flushes automatically. Before that it was the George Foreman Grill cause the fat just dripps right off… So anyway, I guess, it was the chablis, or st, but I’d loosen up enough to say: God, I have to admit, I really felt alone a lot, I felt like you didn’t exist, I didn’t believe in you for a time. She said: “Do you remember that day you were walking on the beach… ” I said: “Yeah. ” She said: “I was there. ” I said: “There was just one set of footprints though. ” She said: “I was on your back… ” I tought I felt a heavy that day. I thought it was water retention. No, that when you’re bloated… I am there… That comforts me… I’m not gonna bore you with everything we talked a lot of stuff… she told me the meaning of life and stuff like that… but anyway. I was leaving, I was walking out the door, and I turned around and I said: God, I have to say I am sorry. I am so sorry that we are killing all the animals. I am so sorry that we are chopping down all the trees. I am sorry that we are filled with hate instead of love I am sorry that we call each other names and judge each other. I am sorry that we go to war and kill each other. I am sorry. and she was silent for a few seconds. Then she looked at me and she said: Have you seen Gloria Estephan’s hair lately?"
1686242653-342,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,URZILA CARLSON: OVERQUALIFIED LOSER (2020) – FULL TRANSCRIPT,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/urzila-carlson-overqualified-loser-transcript/,"Watch Urzila Carlson: Overqualified Loser on Netflix  [male host] Make some noise, welcome to the stage… Urzila Carlson! [audience cheering] [rock music plays] [cheering continues] You guys! See? This is why… [cheering softens] This is why people love Australia. ‘Cause you guys are just off the fucking nut. [audience laughs] Just quickly, before we start… I just– [laughs] I feel like I want to share something with you. ‘Cause sometimes, right, audiences will send me gifts. Like, not this audience. [audience laughs] Honestly, sometimes audiences bring me gifts, and then they give it to the usher and the usher will bring it backstage and then I have to open it. Because I don’t have a crew of people that travel with me ’cause I’m not Adele. [audience laughs] You know, I don’t know how people imagine, like… I walked here tonight. The five blocks. [audience laughs] You know when you make that decision, you go, “It’s only five blocks, I’m gonna walk it”? And then after the third block, you go, “Fuck, I should’ve taken an Uber.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “It’s too late now, I can’t get an Uber now for two blocks, ’cause they’ll think I’m lazy.” [laughs] [audience laughs] [chuckles] You don’t want them to give you a two-star ’cause you’re lazy ’cause then you have to fake a limp and stuff. [audience laughs] “Yeah, I just sprained my ankle.” So I get this gift, right? I do a show in Auckland, and a woman sends a gift with an usher, and the usher brings it to the room. And now I’m gonna open it, but it looked dodgy as hell. It was just wrapped in brown paper. And– And it had a string around it, and not that fancy string that you get now over Christmas. You know, you always get– Like your sister-in-law, she’ll be doing all this fancy fucking wrapping and shit. [audience laughs] And you go, “Okay, calm down. We know it’s bath salts.” [audience laughs] It’s like, “Christ, you just spent $45 on the wrapping of a $2 fucking gift. [audience laughs] And we don’t have a bath!” [laughing continues] Not one of those strings, it was just an old shoelace. [audience laughs] So you know it’s dodgy when the usher sort of kicks the door open, throws the gift and goes, “That came for you,” and runs away. [audience laughs] So I look at this gift and I shook it and no powder fell out of it and it wasn’t ticking. [audience chuckles] I’m gonna open it. So I open the gift. And someone had sent me a moon cup. [audience oohs] Like, a new one, but a moon cup. Now, for those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, ladies, if I can ask you to just turn to the men in your area… [audience laughing] …and just explain to them what a moon cup is so I don’t have to. Talk amongst yourselves. [audience murmuring] If you don’t know, ask the people behind you. They know. [audience laughs] Oh, I don’t know what’s going on there. There’s a lady in the back doing that… [audience roars] I don’t know what you’re explaining… [chuckles] ….but I think you’re doing it wrong. [audience laughs] For those of you who don’t know what a moon cup is, it’s basically a Tupperware bowl for your coochacha. [audience laughs] Like, you whip it out when Aunt Flo comes to visit. You feel? But I knew. As soon as I received this gift, I knew I was in deep trouble ’cause I’ve got an inquiring mind… [audience laughs] …and I knew I was going to try it. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now, I’m not going to go into detail, but let me just tell you, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] Let’s just say… Okay, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher, right? Ladies, if you want to turn to the men in your area and just explain what I mean. [laughs] [audience laughs and applauds] No, you know when you’re unpacking the dishwasher and you get to the kids’ plastic bowls and cups and you don’t take the time to individually dry each and every cup? You just kind of grab them, whack them and stack them away and then tomorrow morning, you have to feed those same children out of those bowls and you take it out and you’re like… [audience laughs] Yeah, that. [audience roars] So, no, it’s not for me. [audience laughs] I travel a lot. I’m on the road about 300 days of the year, and whenever I do go back home to Auckland, I always go see my GP and get them to do the once-over. Right, give it everything. Like, from head to toe, from head lice to ingrown toenails and everything in between. [audience laughs] They check the boobs, the smear. They even give you the flu jab, you know, ’cause science. Um… [audience laughs] I’m not going to tell you what to do with your life, you know, I’m just saying. We vaccinate ’cause we understand words and shit. [audience laughs] [chuckles] [audience cheers and applauds] Now, I understand that there might be some anti-vaxxers here tonight. ‘Cause when I did the show in Auckland, 13 people got up and walked out… [audience laughs] …and the whole auditorium went… [cheers, laughs] Like I was supposed to fight them or something. I’m like, “Leave them alone, they’ve got sick kids at home.” [audience roars] So, anyway, I go in, I see my doctor. She does what she can do and then she sends me off to the nurse. Now, our nurse, Nurse Barb, retired two years ago. Which is a good thing because she was, like, two years younger than Jesus, okay? [audience laughs] I’m not ageist. But the last two years, I also got a prostate check. [audience laughs] I didn’t hate it. [audience laughs] That’s why I went back the second year. [chuckles] [laughing continues] Anyway, I walk in, we’ve got a brand new nurse, Nurse Maniah, and, uh, I look at her and I go, “Hi,” and she’s lovely, she’s a lady in her fifties. Um… And I look around and I’m trying to find the gown. Because you have to put this gown on with an opening in the front because they’re going to be working on your entertainment area… [audience laughs] …right? Now, personally… I’m not a big fan of the gowns because they never close properly. You know, ’cause I’ve had a few big Christmases in my time. [audience laughs] Like, I don’t identify as fat. But I’ve definitely, you know… I’m– I’m quite a few meals ahead and a few shits behind, so… [audience laughs] [women cackling] And, you know, you don’t need to be a personal trainer… to know that if those two things don’t line up, you can never be your goal weight. [audience laughs] But I don’t see the gown, and Nurse Maniah goes, “No, no, I use a lavalava.” And I thought, “This is great, it’s basically like a sarong. Not only do I get a smear but I also get a cultural experience. I love it.” [audience laughs] So I take the lavalava off her, and now I wait for her to leave and close the curtain so I can, you know, take my kit off and put it on. So she closes the curtain. But she stays in there with me. [audience laughs] So at this point… I decide to decline the lavalava. She then takes it and biffs it on the desk, and I take my kit off and I hop on the table. Now, the protocol when going for a smear is you, the patient, must stare at the wall. [audience laughs] And her, the nurse, must stare at a speck on the curtain over here. [laughing continues] But never… do you make eye contact. [audience laughs] So, she starts, and I can feel her rummaging around. [audience laughs] Which is not what you want to feel at a doctor’s surgery, you want a… you want a confident hand. [audience laughs] You want– You want someone that knows what’s going on. And I could feel her rummaging around, and I don’t know at what point… do I act? At what point should I go, “Do you need help?” [audience laughs] [laughing] Too awkward, right? Or do I just keep quiet and guide her hand in? [audience laughs] Yeah, you’re right, that would be too much. [mumbles] [audience laughs] I didn’t have to do either of those things because she asked me something that was so left field that it knocked me, I had to think about it for a second. She goes, “You still a virgin?” [audience roars] [laughs] And I went… [audience laughs] “Say what, now?” I was like, “Oh… Oh, no. I’ve had the sex heaps.” [audience laughs] And she goes, “Huh. Okay.” She then leaves the room. At this point… I’m regretting not taking that lavalava. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I’m just lying on that bed like a frozen supermarket chicken… [audience laughs]; [breathing shakily] [laughing continues] …worried that someone might come in. They didn’t. She came back in a flash. She had a smaller speculum. [audience laughs] And she was at it again and she goes, “I’m just gonna ask you again.” She goes, “You sure you’ve had sex before?” I go, “Yeah!” I said, “I’m married, my wife’s waiting in the waiting room.” She goes, “Oh… [audience laughs] …I see.” [chuckles] She goes… [dramatically] “But have you had sex with a man?” I said, “Yes, I’m familiar with disappointment.” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] She says, “I’m just asking ’cause you’ve got the smallest vagina I’ve ever worked with in my career.” I went, “No shit!” I guided her hand in, she took the swab. I got dressed, I went in the waiting room and I go, “Come, babe!” To my wife, not to a stranger. I go, “Come.” [audience laughs] We walk back in. I said, “Nurse Maniah’s got something to tell you about my… [clicks tongue] [audience laughs] …entertainment area.” [laughs] [laughing continues] Nurse Maniah looks at her, she goes, “If I had to describe her vagina with one word, I’d say… petite.” [audience laughs] My wife immediately turns to me and she goes, “You cannot use this story on stage.” [audience laughs] I said, “Bitch… [audience applauds] …a medical professional just told me something on me is petite. I’m fucking telling everyone!” [audience laughs and applauds] [audience cheering and whistling] But that explains the moon cup, doesn’t it? [audience laughs] I needed a thimble. [laughs] [laughing continues] So this show is called Loser and I decided to write the show ’cause I was so… confused, like it’s always negative if you lose anything. You lose your keys, you lose your mind, you lose your dad: that’s negative. But you lose a bit of weight: positive. [audience laughs] And I don’t understand that. Like, if you lose half a kilo, strangers will applaud that. You can go out right now and go, “I lost half a kilo,” people will go, “Good on you,” and give you a high five. Which I don’t understand. If you truly love someone– If you love someone, don’t you go, “I fucking love you so much, I wish there were 50 kilos more of you”? [audience laughs] With everything else, if you love it, you want more. You love cake? Fucking give me more cake. [audience laughs] Or you love money? Give me more money. [laughing continues] I fucking love you? Less of that.     [audience laughs] It makes no sense. Now, I know… I know I need to lose some weight. I know that. But I– I want to be very careful. I just want to lose enough weight so I can eat in public. [audience laughs] I just want to be able to eat a pie in public. [laughing continues] ‘Cause you know if you’re in here and you’re a bit of a chub, you know you cannot eat in public. [audience laughs] You will be judged, right? Like– Even if it’s a celebratory pie. [audience laughs] Even– [laughs] Even if your stomach stapling has been really successful… [audience laughs] …and to celebrate, you go to BP to get a pie ’cause they’ve got the best pies. That’s what their name is for. [audience laughs, applauds] [women cheer] You go over there, you grab a pie and you’re outside eating that pie, like, “Nom-nom, 80 kilos gone.” You know some fuckwit in a ute will drive past and go, “Who ate all the pies?” [cackles] [audience laughs] And you have to go… [timidly] “I did.” [audience laughs] So I know I have to lose some weight. But I want to be careful ’cause I don’t want to lose too much and end up in porn. [audience laughs] ‘Cause you know that is a very real possibility. [audience laughs] If you’re hot. If you’re super… Like you are, you’re proper hot. Right? Like, you’re a beautiful couple. Do you work out together? Yeah. Of course you do. [audience laughs] I’m not fit-shaming you. But you’re a hot couple. Like, aesthetically, you’re quite pleasing to the eye. [audience laughs] Like, if you two came up to me in a bar and asked me for a threesome, I’d be in. [audience laughs] Yeah. And not just in a “hold the camera” kind of way. I’d give it my all. [audience laughs] [chuckles] I would get so freaky, you two would be super impressed. Like, halfway through, over my naked butt, you’d just be high fiving each other, going… [audience laughs] “Fucking score on this one, eh?” [laughing continues] But you have to be careful. ‘Cause you’re beautiful, you could end up in porn. The rest of you, you’re fine. [audience laughs] ‘Cause, you know, if you’re in a happy, healthy relationship and you’ve got a healthy sex life, at some point, one of you will turn to the other and go, “We should record ourselves. [audience laughs] You know, while we’re… [clicks tongue] You know?” And you will. If you’re going, “We’ll never do that,” your partner’s probably already doing it. [audience laughs] You may as well get involved. There’s a whole genre of porn of you not being in porn. So you might as well. [audience laughs] And then you’re going to go, “Okay, fine.” Then you’ve got to take your smartphone, you’ll prop it up somewhere in the room. And then you go at it. You go at it hammer and tongs, right? You give it your A-game ’cause you know you’re recording yourself. [audience laughs] Then afterwards you go, “Okay, go get it.” [audience laughs] He rolls off you, he goes and he gets it. He comes back and you’re excited. You’re like… [giggles] [audience laughs] “Oh, this is going to be good. This is going to be great, yeah. [blows kiss] [audience laughs] I love you.” And you hit play. [dry-heaving and gagging] [audience laughs] [loudly] “Why is my arsehole so dark? [audience roars] Why is it so hairy? [audience laughs] It looks like a tarantula is crawling out of a cave.” [laughing continues] [gags] You look at your body at an angle you wouldn’t normally see, performing an activity you wouldn’t normally see reflect back in a shopfront window.     [audience laughs] You see things on your body that you wouldn’t normally see. You look at that and you go… [yelling] “Is that a nipple on my back?” [audience laughs] And your partner’s, like, super blasé He goes, “Yeah. [audience laughs] I thought you knew.” You’re like, “No, every time it’s cold, I think it’s the fucking label on my cardigan!” [audience laughs] And he’s like, “No, no. And when it’s really hot, it does that weird Barbie mouth thing, that…” [audience laughs] You look at that footage, it’s not natural. It’s your fat, pasty-ass white body plowing at pace… [audience laughing] …into another fat, pasty-ass white body… meeting abruptly in the middle. It doesn’t even sound good. [audience laughs] Like, in the heat of the moment, you don’t hear anything. But when it’s silent and you’re just staring at your white body with an extra nipple on a little screen, all you can hear… [smacking rapidly] [audience laughs] Like, “What is that noise? Oh, it’s your balls on my tummy.” [laughing continues] You look at that and you go, “Why am I fucking you? [audience laughs] Why are you fucking me? Let’s never do this shit again.” [audience laughs] Then you go, “Delete it.” [audience laughs] And he goes, “I will.” “No, you’re fucking doing it now!” [audience laughs] [hisses] He deletes it. You double-check it’s deleted out of the recently deleted. [audience laughs] That couple then take that phone together, walk it out to the shed, take a hammer… [audience laughs] …smash it till there’s only powder left, take a brush, into a little plastic bag. [laughing continues] You drive from the top of the country to the bottom of the country and at every public toilet, you stop and you put some of that dust in the toilet… [audience laughing] and then you flush it just in case some IT genius is about to crawl out of his mother… to put that shit back together again and share it with the world. We are very careful. [quietly] But you two… [audience laughs] Not you two. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Yeah, let’s record ourselves.” “Yes, let’s. Let’s. Just let me finish moisturizing.” [audience laughs] [clicks tongue] And then you prop the phone up, and afterwards you go, “Go get it,” and he’s like, “Yeah, no worries.” [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] Don’t even need to get out of the bed ’cause that yoga is finally paying off. [audience laughs] Actually, that hurt my back. [pained] I don’t think I… [audience laughs] [laughs] Medic! [giggles] You take that phone. Like, “Let’s have a look at this. Oh, this is gonna be good. [audience laughs] [puckers] I love me.” [audience laughs] You hit play on that. You’re like, “Oh… [sexually] Oh, yeah, look at that! Look at that!” Like, “Holy shit. I’m glad we went for that two-for-one anal bleaching. [audience laughs] [gruff] We look amazing! We should get a blue light, let it light up.” [giggles] “This is phenomenal work. Yeah, wait, wait, my best part’s coming up. The dismount. [audience laughs] You go into a full triple back flip…” I’m not very good at sports talk, you know. [audience laughs] “Full splits onto my dick. This is lovely.” [laughing continues] You go… [laughs] You go, “Save that. Save that. We look phenomenal.” You go, “Let’s watch it tomorrow when we get back from pilates.” [audience laughs] [sighs] Tomorrow night, you get back from pilates. You’re like… [gruff] “Oh, yeah. [audience laughs] You know how I get all limber and into it. Now, let’s watch it.” So you watch it again. You go, “Fuck, we are beautiful. [audience laughs] We’ll save it. [exhales] We’ll watch it tomorrow night after my spinning class. [audience laughs] You know how I get after spinning class. [exhales sharply] When my perineum is still vibrating.” [audience laughs] I assume that’s what happens, I don’t know. [chuckles] [audience laughs] I don’t ride a bike. I’m an adult, I’ve got a car. [inhales] [audience roars] [laughs] [audience applauds] And then you watch it again and you go, “You know, we are so beautiful. It’ll be a waste if only we get to see it. [audience laughs] We should upload it.” Then you load it up to Pornhub and we’re now all whacking off to you two… [laughing continues] …’cause we’re no longer fucking each other. [audience laughs] So all I’m saying is get ugly or get fat, or you’re going to be in porn. [audience laughs] You know your dad’s going to find it. [audience oohs, laughs] Yeah. Your mum won’t know what’s going on. [laughs] You know… [chuckles] You have not lived as an adult if you haven’t been at your parents’ house on a Sunday waiting for the roast, your mum’s in the kitchen you’re watching some trash with your dad, and then your mum just pops out of the kitchen going, “Hey! Can you have a look at the computer? It’s wiped the history again.” [audience laughs] And you look at your dad and you go, “Motherfucker! [audience roars] Can’t remember your Facebook login but know how to wipe the history, do ya?” [laughs] [laughing continues] And your dad’s like, “Oh, it’s all right, I’ll have a look later.” I bet you fucking will. [laughs] [audience laughing] So anyway, what I’m saying is I need to lose some weight. [audience laughs] I’m already panicked. Because I’m of the size, whenever they talk on the news about the obesity epidemic in Australia, I know I could be one of those arses walking in the street. [audience laughs] You know the one. When as soon as they start talking, they go, “We’ve got a dietician here. Um… The obesity epidemic in Australia…” And you’re like, “Oh, no. No, no, no. Where did they film today?” And when you… [audience laughing] When you see they’re in an area where you were, you’re like… [yelling] “No! [audience laughs] Oh, fuck off!” [laughing continues] ‘Cause, you know, it’s always you in your track pants. [laughs] [audience laughs] I see those fat people walk with these short steps like this. I’m like, “What the fuck are you doing? Stride it out, motherfucker! “ [audience laughs] Have you guys ever watched that show The Biggest Loser? [all] Yes. You know when they came up with the concept for that show, there wasn’t a fat person in a ten-kilometer radius. Because it would’ve been a completely different show. When they came up with the concept, they were all sitting in a boardroom in their yoga pants, and they go, “All right, we’ve got $200 million. What are we doing?” And Karen in Marketing went, “Well… how about we take 12 fat people… [audience laughs] …and we put them in this fat farm scenario, and then we give them, like, six carrot sticks a day to eat… [laughing continues] …and we give them these really angry personal trainers.” Like you get them any other way. “We give them these really angry personal trainers to yell at them all day and make them exercise and then vomit up those carrot sticks.” [audience laughs] And everyone’s like, “All right. All right.” Even if there was a fatty in the room at this point, they’ll go, “Harsh. But watchable.” [audience laughs] [laughing] You’ve watched it. And then they go, “Okay, Karen, then what?” “Well, then we just monitor their progress. So once a week, we just put them on some scales in their cute little outfits. And then behind them, in giant red LED lights that they can’t see, we put the weight they used to be, their weight now, their BMI, and their sperm count. [audience laughs] And then we judge them like that.” Now, if there was a fatty in the room, they’d go, “Hang the fuck on,” at this point. They’d go, “Just a minute, just a fucking minute. [audience laughs] What are these cute little outfits you’re talking about?” [audience roars] She goes, “Oh. I thought, like, bike pants and sports bra?” “No.” ‘Cause you know what, if you’re over the age of two… [audience laughs] …you don’t look cute or good in ’em. [laughing continues] The only people allowed to wear bike pants and a sports bra are people under the age of two or if you’re in the Olympics. [audience laughs] That’s it. Tomorrow morning, if you wake up and you’re putting those bike pants on, go, “Am I over the age of two?” [audience laughs] If the answer is yes, then ask yourself, “Am I in the Olympics?” [audience laughs] If the answer is no, get the fuck out of those pants. [audience laughs, applauds] [chuckles] ‘Cause you know what the problem is with that outfit, especially for women of a certain age. Like, I’m in my mid-forties. You know what the hardest thing of my day is? Lining up my nipples. [audience laughs] I wake up every morning and when I put a bra on, it’s like doing two really complex Rubik’s cubes. [audience laughing] Oh, fuck it. Tuck it into your pants. [audience laughs] Well, Karen, you can’t tuck it into your pants when you’re not fucking having anything in the middle. It’ll look like a fleshy scarf. [audience laughs] Fat people don’t like to get weighed. That’s why we don’t skydive. [audience laughing] Well, that, and it scares the shit out of whoever has to do a tandem jump with you. [audience laughs] But… [chuckles] When you skydive, they weigh you. And then they write your weight on your hand with a permanent marker. [audience laughs] I don’t want to be telling people three days after my jump, “Oh. Oh, no, it’s not a phone number.” [audience roars] If I was in charge of making The Biggest Loser, it would look completely different. For starters, the people I would put in there. I’d put people in The Biggest Loser, those people who never say thank you for shit. Like when you’re driving and you give someone a gap and usually it takes a few goes to try and get them in the hole. You’re like… [audience laughs] And then they take it… and you wait for it. [audience laughs] But they just keep going. It’s like they take that gap and go, “Mine!” [audience laughs] What kind of animal raised you… [audience laughing] …that you would take a gap and not just put your hand up like that to thank the person behind you? That’s all you have to do. ‘Cause if you don’t thank the person behind you, you’re making it unsafe on our roads. [audience laughs] ‘Cause now I have to aggressively overtake you… [laughing continues] …to go get my good deed back ’cause you were raised by an animal. [audience laughs] It’s the same as when you’re driving and there’s a pedestrian crossing and you stop and a car there stops, and then the pedestrian walks past and they thank this guy and just walk past your car, and you’re like… [audience chuckling] “What’s going on here? [audience laughs] I’m doing what they’re doing. Where’s my thank you?” I reckon if they’re two thirds past your car and they haven’t started lifting their arm, hit them with your car. [audience roars] [woman cheers] Not to kill ’em. Just to knock ’em down so you can talk to ’em. [audience laughs] Then you hop out of your car and go, “Don’t worry, I’ve got this. I’m a medical professional. I’ve got a petite vagina.” [audience laughs] [laughs] You go, “Where’s my thank you, asshole?” [laughs] [audience laughs] Those people are all going on my Biggest Loser campl Or when you’re at work, right, and you’re in the lunchroom, you just want to eat your sandwich in peace. And then you hear it… [slurping aggressively] [audience oohs] And you look over and there he is. You go, “Jesus, Brian. [audience laughs] How about you just leave that cup of tea for a minute? That’s going to cool down to a temperature… where you can just go ahead and drink it. [audience laughs] Where it won’t sound like you lost your top lip in a violent accident. [laughing continues] And now you’re curving your bottom lip in a straw-like scenario, trying to suck a teabag out of the bottom of that cup.” [audience laughs] Brian’s going in The Biggest Loser camp. [audience laughs, oohs] Or that friend that we all have that have never let you finish a sentence. You’ve been friends for years and this is the only thing they’ve ever seen out of you. [stammers hesitantly] [audience laughs] Fucking Biggest Loser camp. Or any right-wing politician that has ever said anything so fucking stupid, it makes you want to headbutt a nail. [audience laughs] They’re going in there. You know the ones. Like– Like those people that can’t even take a mild egg to the head without trying to knock out a teenager. [audience cheers and laughs] [audience applauds and whistles] Get in the camp. Then what we do is we give them challenges that they cannot achieve, like keeping a cookie out of a fat kid’s hand. [audience laughs] If they fail, we give ’em paper cuts. [audience laughs] Now, I wasn’t raised by an animal, I understand that, you know, everyone’s not the same. Like, the tea slurper is not on the same level as the right-wing politician. So we cut them with different grades of paper. [audience laughs] The tea slurpers and the interrupters, they get 150 gsm. [audience laughs] Then the people who don’t thank you in traffic who have no manners, they get a 300 gsm gloss. [audience laughs] And the right-wing politicians, we cut them with X-rays. [exhales sharply] [audience laughs] And then we take chili oil and rub it in their wounds. [laughs] [audience oohs, laughs] -I know, I’ve got a lot of time to think. [laughing continues] That’s what I do when you guys are at the gym. [chuckles] People go, “Why don’t fat people just get off their fucking arses?” -‘Cause we’re thinking of this shit. [audience laughs] Okay, maybe that’s a little extreme. Maybe it’s more like… I just think, like, other things are bigger losers– Other people are bigger losers than actual fat people just losing weight. Like, say if you get in a car with your friend, right? They’re driving. You’re saying to that friend, “I trust you with the most important thing that I have: my life.” ‘Cause without it, you can’t do shit, right? [audience laughs] So you start driving, and ’cause you live in Melbourne, it starts to rain. [audience laughs] They don’t turn the wipers on. You know? All right. All right. I’m not going to be that person, but you know how vitally important it is for you, the passenger, to see where they’re driving. [audience laughs] Otherwise how do you know how to make the right… [inhales sharply] [audience laughs] You don’t want to say anything. So you just start scooching down in your seat a little. [audience laughs] Just a little. ‘Cause just above the dash, just under the wipers, there’s always a weird half moon that you can see out of. [audience laughs] But then you start to panic, right, and you think about that pillow that your wife bought about you living your best life. And you think, “Fuck, I do want to live my best life and I want to continue with that. I should say something.” [yelling] “Put the wipers on!” [audience laughs] And they go, “Oh, shit, I didn’t even notice it started raining.” [audience laughs] “You know you’re driving, right?” [laughing continues] And then because it’s Melbourne, five minutes later it stops raining. [audience chuckles] [squeaks] [audience laughs] [squeaks] They don’t turn the wipers off. Not only do they visually have something in front of their eyes going, “Oh, you’re fucking up here, mate…” [giggles] [audience laughs] …audibly, there’s a bit of a soundtrack, too. It gets so dry that it does that weird triple jump in front of you. [audience laughs] When it comes back, it’s like… [thumping] [laughing continues] You’re not safe. You need to undo your belt, open the door and tuck and roll. Just… [audience laughs] Those people are bigger losers than you. [laughs] But, you know, because we have social media, we put ourselves into situations where you feel like a loser. ‘Cause you look at other people’s amazing lives, right, ’cause they have these amazing filters and amazing bullshit on their pages that you start to believe, ’cause even though, intellectually, you know it’s bullshit, you know this person, they have a horrible life. But your eyes go, “It’s better than yours.” [audience laughs] And then you feel like a loser. But it’s not. It’s like if you show up 20 minutes early to a party, you’re not a loser. You’re smart. ‘Cause they usually have the food out. [audience laughs] They have the food out and they’re still doing the setup. So you can get involved. You go, “No, you carry on, don’t worry about me.” You look at their table, you go, “Guacamole looks good.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “I’m going to give it a go. [audience laughs] Just going to try it for her. Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it.” So you grab a chip. Now, you’re not a fool. You know to go in slow, right? [laughs] [audience laughs] You’ve been around food before. [laughs] [audience laughs] Don’t worry. When that chip breaks… [audience laughs] you’re so disappointed in yourself, you’re like, “How am I this age and I can’t nail a snack?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’re in deep shit. You better get that chip out before she comes out. Don’t want to fuck up the table before anyone else gets there. You’re gonna take another chip. But you’re gonna take a strong one. You know, the… [audience laughs] No, ’cause you know the ones that are curved, the curved ones are structurally stronger than the others. [audience laughs] So, you take that curve. Also, pro-tip: they always have more flavor ’cause they’re sort of… Anyway, so… [audience laughs] So you take that chip. Now, you know, you’re not a fool. You’re gonna go low and slow. You’re gonna go low and slow, and you want to slowly curve it around the original chip. Just make it a little… You don’t want to go too close ’cause then it could structurally damage the… So, you just want to go… slight– When that second chip breaks… [audience laughs] …you question every decision you’ve ever made as an adult. “I should probably not be alone.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause now you know you’d better get that out before she comes out. You’ve got two chips in there. You’re not gonna take another chip, you’re not an idiot. [audience laughs]     You’re going to learn from your mistakes here. You don’t want her to come out to two half dead chips in the guacamole with a fucking moat around it. [audience laughs] [laughing continues] [thumps] [audience laughs] When you’re second knuckle in, she comes out and busts you. [audience laughs] Like you’re at your high school dance… and you just lock eyes with each other. [laughs] [audience laughs] [laughs, snorts] [audience laughing] I love that slow realization. [laughing continues] Ooh… [laughs] [audience laughs] My hand’s still in the guacamole. [audience laughs] She walks out, she locks eyes with you. She looks at you, you look at her. She knows your hand’s in the guacamole, you know your hand’s in the guacamole. You look at each other, ’cause you don’t know at what point… should you pull your hand out. [audience laughs] There’s no time like the present so you just pull it out. Now the bigger conundrum. Do you flick it or lick it? [audience roars] She just stares at you, never breaking eye contact looking over to you, just taking the bowl, going, “I wasn’t that happy with it anyway.” [audience laughs] She walks in the kitchen, you can hear her throw it in the sink. You feel like such a loser ’cause you go, “It’s out of season for avos, that would’ve cost her $400.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, but what you didn’t realize that if you normally show up 20 minutes late, the guacamole’s been sitting on the table for 40 minutes slowly getting to room temperature, and then it’s smooth as anything. You can fucking lift it with anything out of that bowl. [audience laughs] You can lift it with hopes and dreams into your mouth. [audience laughs] You don’t know that because you’re not a chef. Neither am I, but I’m an enthusiast. [audience laughs] You’re not a loser if you say “no, thanks” to free stuff. I say “no, thanks” to free stuff all the time but now because we live in a time where there are people who are influencers and that is a job that just involves getting free shit all day, it’s unheard of when someone approaches you and goes, “You want something free?” and you go, “No, thanks.” Unless it’s a flyer or something. You’re like, “No.” [stammers] But I get offered stuff all the time and I go, “No, thanks.” And especially when I get on a plane, they always go, “Do you want the exit row?” Never business. Always the exit row. I go, “No, thanks.” [audience laughs] People– Ten people back will go, [aggressively] “Did she just say no to the exit row?” They’re so angry when I go, “No.” I go, “Yeah, I don’t need it.” I’m five foot three. My knees have never touched another seat. [audience laughs] ‘Cause I’m mainly torso, too. [audience laughs] Some airlines, my feet don’t touch the ground. [audience laughs] Give it to someone that needs it. I don’t feel I’m trained enough to sit there anyway. I don’t know where these air whores go to air school, but I haven’t been. [audience laughs] I don’t think it’s enough when they come up to you before the flight and they go, “Um… Did you read the A4 laminate?” [audience laughs] And I go, “No, I didn’t because it’s pictures on there. [audience laughs] And you don’t read a picture, you look at it. So am I now more trained than you? [audience laughs] Am I in charge of this flight? I’m just here for the snacks, mate. You can… You can put me near the toilet, I don’t care.” You’re not a loser. You’re not a loser if you wake up seven o’clock one morning and you go, “Hmm. Today’s a shit day.” [audience laughs] Well, you know yourself, you don’t need to live the whole day to know it’s gonna be a shit one [audience laughs] Sometimes you know before you open your eyes, you’re like, “Yeah, today’s a shit one.” [audience laughs] If you open your eyes seven o’clock in the morning and you go, “Fuck it. I’m getting blackout drunk by three…” [audience laughs] …then do it. Do it, it’s called self-care. Look after yourself. [audience laughs] Obviously, if that’s a decision you’ve been making for the last 15 years every morning… [clicks cheek] …you’ve got a problem. [audience laughs] But if you do it once every 18 months to two years and go, “Today’s that day,” do it. Why is it socially acceptable to start drinking at noon but not at 7:00 a.m.? [audience laughs] Like, if a friend rings you at 7:00 a.m., which would be weird, but if they ring and they go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “I just poured myself a wine.” [audience laughs] They’ll think you’ve lost your mind. But that same friend can ring you at noon and go, “Hey, what are you up to?” “Oh. Just poured myself a wine.” They go, “Well, I guess it’s noon somewhere.” You go, “It’s noon here, Cara.” [audience laughs] I don’t know why we put that amount of stress on ourselves because of a few fucking hours. Like, the amount of times I’ve woken up and I’ve taken that box wine and I’ve put it on the kitchen counter… [audience laughs] …and I just look at it, and I’m like, “Should I take the tap out and let it breathe or…?” [audience laughs] ‘Cause that’s always the hardest thing with a box wine. You have to get the cover off and then you have to get that tap, and it’s always real in the box. It’s like… You have to put your hand in so deep, I feel like I’m working on a dairy farm. Like… [struggles] [audience laughs] “I can feel a hoof!” You get that tap out. A hundred percent of the time, the hole always faces there. [audience laughs] You have to pull the whole sack open, sort of slowly get the tap down. I feel I lost some of you as soon as I said “box wine.” [laughs] [audience laughs] You go, “Fucking box wine?” [laughing continues] [laughs] I don’t care where you are in your life right now financially, but at some point, every single one of us drank box wine. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience cheers and applauds] Maybe some of you are like, [formally] “I have never.” [chuckling smugly] [audience laughing] Yes, you have! If you’ve got bogan friends, you’ve had box wine. [audience laughs] [laughs] I love entertaining, right? I have people over to my house all the time. And then when they go, “What should we bring?” I always go, “Just your good self, doll.” And then what I do is I wash the labels off old wine bottles, and then I fill it with box wine. [audience laughs] [chuckles] And not to worry, I’ll even mix you a rosé. [audience laughs] I do the whole shebang, right? [laughs] So… Not once in all these years have anyone during dinner gone, “Excuse me. What fresh hell are we drinking here tonight?” [audience laughs] No, they usually go, “Mm! Where did you get this one?” And I always go, “On my travels.” [audience laughs] And they assume… around the world. But just to the liquor store. [audience laughs] I mean, they know the next morning. Because you know the next morning after… [laughs] …a box wine, that hangover is completely fucking different to a good wine hangover. [audience laughs] You wake up after a good wine, right, and you have that hangover, you wake up, you’re like, “Woo! Oh, that Central Otago 2009, that… [audience laughs] …that pinot noir nutty goodness is going to come back and bite me at around 3:30. [laughs heartily] [audience laughing] [hearty laughing continues] But you know with box wine, you open your eyes, you’re like, “Woo! [audience laughs] Satan fucked my skull last night. [audience roars, applauds] And he’s got a giant penis.” [chuckles] [audience laughs] You’re not a loser. Drinking box wine is good for the whole family. When you’re finished, you whip the box off, you give that to the cat, he plays with that. You blow up the bag and the kids play with that. You’re fucking mother of the year. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] Yeah. You’re not a loser… if after you’ve been to your mum’s house, maybe you’ve had a massive feed, you’ve had seconds, she’s given you dessert. She’s even given you some leftovers in a little plastic bag because she doesn’t trust you with her Tupperware. [audience laughs] [chuckles] Now you have to drive with a plastic bag of spaghetti next to you. [audience laughs] [giggles] “Fuck, I hope I’m not in an accident. This is going to be hard to explain.” [laughing] [audience laughs] You’re full, and then you drive to the hardware store quickly ’cause you need a new tool belt. [audience laughs] [sighs, laughs] [audience laughs] As soon as you get out of the car, you smell it. You smell that sausage sizzle. You’re like, “Yeah.” When you get on a plane, right, you’re not hungry, you just had a nine-course dégustation. You’re chockers. You go, “I’m so full.” But as soon as you hear the wheels on the food cart, you panic! [audience laughs] You panic, you’re like, [yelling] “Chicken! Oh.” [audience laughs] That’s what it’s like when you get out of your car at the hardware store, you’re like… [sniffs] [longingly] “Yes.” Like, you’re not there for the cuisine. [audience laughs] Let’s not fuck around. That’s not good food. You know those sausages are basically vegan. [audience laughs] They’re made from wood chip and goat spit… [audience laughing] …and the goat donated the spit. He just looked at that and went… [spits] “I’m not eating that.” [audience laughs] But it’s because there’s so much joy around there. As soon as you get it, you look at those people and they’re always happy, ’cause it takes a certain personality to go there every week and fucking turn sausages. [audience laughs] You look at them, they’re like… [laughing continues] [sighs] I want to be around that joy. You rummage around the car for a gold coin, you walk up to them, you give them a gold coin and then you… [thumps] …pop out your hand. There are very few instances where you as an adult can go up to another adult, put out your hand and go, “Put food on that. [audience laughs] I’ve already got a bag of spaghetti in the car.” [laughing continues] They then take a napkin, put that in your hand, and then they put the thinnest white bread you’ve ever seen in your life on top of that. We call it magic bread at my house ’cause it’s impossible to put any spread on it. [audience laughs] You can try. But as soon as you do… [thumps] …the middle’s gone. [audience laughs] You can’t even find it in the house. It’s just gone. You just have this weird frame of what bread used to be. [audience laughs] So you’ve got your napkin. They put the magic bread, then they put some onion, some fried-up onion, and then they put the sausage, and then… [sputters] …tomato sauce over the top of that. It’s never-been-near-a-tomato sauce, let’s be fair, that shit glows in the dark. [audience laughs] Now you’ve got your food in your hand. Now, pro-tip: What you want to do is you want to go ahead and curve it. [audience laughs] You want to curve that whole scenario like this, ’cause if you keep it flat, it’s very hard to eat. [audience laughs] If you keep it flat, it’s called a situation. [audience laughs] But the minute you roll it, you’ve got a meal. [laughing continues] Now you walk into the hardware store and you look for other people like you. You look for the other sausage people. When you see them, you’re like… [exhales in relief] [audience laughs] [inhales] “We make the same decisions. [audience laughs] We’re here… [laughs] …and we both have these. Yeah. [audience laughs] On your… No, tool belt. Tool belt, I mean.” [audience laughs] Then you start eating and something magical happens as soon as you walk away from that barbecue. The onion is now freezing cold. [audience laughs] But the sausage will increase in heat. There’s… [audience laughs] I think it’s the glue that holds it together. [audience laughs] So you want to approach that sucker with caution when you eat. You approach with your teeth, like a hot potato, so you can breathe through the back of it. Like, get some air on that thing. [audience laughs] [sucks in air, exhales sharply] It’s a very toothy approach, like your first blowjob. [audience laughs] You walk through the shop, you’re about halfway through. You look and you go, “Fuck, I’m eating the napkin too.” [audience laughs] You’re not a loser, that’s where the nutrients lie. [audience laughs] [chuckling] But then… we do start… Do we have a snorter? That’s great! [audience laughs] I love how everyone’s, “It’s this lady here.” [laughing continues] [laughs] It’s like… It’s not like she had a shit on the seat. [audience laughs] I’ll just get some water. I’ll just be walking over here, getting some of this every now and again. You know, whenever I take a sip like that, the wardrobe lady is downstairs going… [muttering softly] [audience laughs] …just in case I spill some of this water down my tits. [audience laughs] ‘Cause if you know me, there’s a hundred percent chance that I can do that. This wasn’t the top that I was supposed to wear tonight, but… [sighs] …I had a top that matched the pants. [audience laughs] But it’s got about half a liter of butter chicken on it. [audience roars] [chuckles] So, yeah, decisions were made. [exhales] [audience laughs] [laughs] I said to them, I go, “Just let me wear the stained top because realistically that’s how people will be seeing me in the future.” [laughs] [audience laughs] It is very rare to see me in the street without food somewhere… on the tatas, but, um… [audience laughing] [clicks tongue] Apparently, that’s a big fucking no-no. All right, uh… [laughs] …here we go. Now, there are things that we do that we think we’re nailing and we’re not. Like thongs. Jandals. [audience chuckles] Flip-flops. Plakkies. That’s what we call them in South Africa. You know, we will never have world peace… unless we can agree on a name for these shoes. [audience laughs] Nowhere where you go in the world are they called the same. You could get on a plane right now, fly somewhere you’ve never been before, get off, go to a shop and go, “Excuse me. I’m looking for those summer shoes… [audience laughs] …that you can get your toes through like that. And then, “Oh, you’re talking…” [hoots sharply] [audience laughs] We don’t even question why the fuck it’s called that. We just go, “Yeah. I was hoping to buy some blue…” [whines sharply] [audience laughs] Now, the thing with those shoes, they don’t come with instructions, and the thing is, they really should. [audience chuckles] ‘Cause I never owned a pair of those ’cause I grew up on a farm in South Africa where we have snakes and scorpions and shit. So, you can’t have any of that. So the first time I ever bought a pair of those was when I was in my mid-thirties, thirteen years ago in New Zealand. And no one stopped me. Like, I bought them, no one, as I got to the door, went, “Hey. Have you used those before?” [audience laughs] You go, “No, I haven’t.” “Come here. Hey, just so you know… if a drop of moisture gets on the inside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and if a drop of moisture gets on the outside of that shoe… [chuckles] …you’re dead. [audience laughs] Oh, and don’t think for a second that you can run… [audience laughing] …from your car… during a thunderstorm… [audience laughs] …into the mall… where they’ve gone ahead and tiled it. [audience laughs] ‘Cause whether you’re physically prepared or not, you’re gonna do the full fucking splits.” [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh, okay, cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool… Cool.” As you walk out, they go, “Oh, one more thing. Just so you know, those shoes? [laughs] They’re only for forward motion. [audience laughs] We call them one-directional. [chuckles] [audience laughs] Yeah. Oh, you want to take a step to the side? [laughing] You’re dead. [audience laughs] You want to take a step back? My uncle tried that. He’s dead.” [laughing continues] Those shoes are so complex, man. They should come with a warning and someone to live with you for, like, a week after you buy them. I bought a pair, my wife and I took our two kids down to Fielding, where she’s from. It’s a small farming community in the middle of the North Island of New Zealand. [man cheers] It’s not as exciting as that person makes it out to be. [audience laughs] Like, nothing happens there every half an hour and it usually lasts about an hour. [audience laughs] So we took our kids and we showed them around a bit and then after two minutes, we were done and, uh… [audience laughing] I… I went and strapped my two-year-old back into the car, you know, his little vaccinated arse back into the car seat. [audience laughs] And I forgot that I was wearing these death booties, right? So you know the movement after you strap them in, you have to take a side step so you can close the door ’cause they’re too weak to pull the door shut, aren’t they? [audience chuckles] But as soon as I took that side step, my body just went, “Okay, we’re gonna go ahead and, uh… [audience laughing] …go ahead and put you down at this point. [audience laughs] Uh… You’re gonna go on your ass.” And my brain just went, “I… I can’t stop this. You, uh… [audience laughs] You are on your own.” I was falling down so slowly that I had time to move shit out of this pocket to this pocket. [audience laughing] I could move my handbag over and I was just walking it out. Just walking it out. I fell over so slowly, my wife had time to walk around the car, look at me and go, “What are you doing?” [audience laughs] I said, “I’m falling over.” [audience laughs] She took out her phone, took a few photos of me and sent it to everyone in our WhatsApp group. And I learned something valuable that day. I learned that I’m officially at the age-weight ratio where I no longer fall over. [audience laughs] I had a fall. [audience laughs] You don’t know when it will happen to you. Even five years ago, my friends would have gone, “Were you drunk?” [snickers] [audience laughs] Now I get all these concerned emojis and… [audience laughing] “Mate, are you all right? I believe you had a fall.” I’m like… [laughing continues] “No, bitch, I was wearing my death booties. I forgot.” The other thing that we think we’re nailing and we’re fucking not, are puffer jackets. And especially… [laughs] [audience laughing] …especially Melbourne, you are so bad for puffer jackets. You know, today, I would classify today’s weather as mild. Like, if you were one of those people that can feel the chill, maybe a long-sleeved T-shirt is for you. [audience laughs] You know what I saw today? Two ladies walked past me and both of them had those puffer jackets that come down to mid-calf. Zipped up. [audience laughs] I mean, that is a bold fucking statement if you zip it up. Sometimes you go, “Look, I had it at work, my hands are full so now I’m carrying it home and it’s open so I still get a breeze on.” When you zip it up, you’re saying to people, “I’m fucking cold.” [audience laughs] But I looked at those women and I thought, “What have you heard?” I mean, honestly, wouldn’t it just be spectacular come three o’clock… [puffs air] …massive storm, we’re up to our earlobes in snow. [audience laughs] And just these two bitches going, “Fucking knew it.” [audience laughs, applauds] They designed those jackets so people in Antarctica don’t freeze to death. Like, if you’ve got a colleague who’s a sherpa, you need to get one of those. [audience laughs] But if you’ve got a colleague named Brian who can’t cope with a cup of fucking tea, you’re fine. [audience laughs] Light layering is in your future. Get a cardigan and a scarf. You’re fine. So confusing when I come here ’cause I always fly into Australia then go straight to the hotel. It’s all air conditioned. And then at some point, I go, “I should go for a walk, I wonder what’s happening with the weather.” And then you look out the window at the people in the street and you go, “Yeah. [audience chuckles] It’s impossible to tell.” [audience laughs] ‘Cause two thirds of you are wearing puffer jackets with shorts and death booties! [audience laughs and applauds] I don’t know what’s going on. We preparing for snow or backyard cricket? [audience laughs] You know, we all do stupid shit on a daily basis. That doesn’t make you a loser. Just ’cause you’re having a tough time in your life doesn’t make you a loser. I think the only true losers in our society are those people who go online and attack people for shit that they cannot help. Like, if you’ve ever gone online and attacked someone for the way they look, what the fuck is wrong with you? Like– During the Olympics, right, a woman won a gold medal. I read the article, good on her. And then I had a brain fart and I clicked on the comments section. [audience laughs] If you want to lose hope in humanity, click on the comments section of your newspaper and just read that. The very first comment said, “Yeah, good on her, but what a dog.” [audience oohs] I clicked on this man’s profile and I thought, “He’s no oil painting. [audience laughs] Unless someone smudged him at birth.” [audience laughs] Like– The confidence you’d need to rock… If you’re gonna attack someone for their looks, you’d better be fucking hot. [audience laughs] Not even average looking. Fucking smoking hot. [audience laughs] ‘Cause then if you click on their profile, “Yeah, all right, fair call.” [audience laughs] But I don’t understand attacking someone for their looks because it’s not like she made herself. Like, if we made ourselves, we’d be stunning. I would be so beautiful, you wouldn’t be able to look at me. [audience laughs] I wouldn’t need to be introduced by anyone. You’d know I’m coming ’cause you’re coming. [audience laughs] Yeah. [audience applauds] He’s going, “Oh, she’s coming ’cause I’m coming!” [laughing and applause continues] [man cheers] If you truly have a problem with the way someone looks, look up their dad on Facebook and go, “Hey, bro, what happened?” [audience laughs] Or attacking someone for their sexuality. ‘Cause you know that’s not a choice. Oh, God. You know that’s not a choice? [audience laughs] [chuckles] I thought, “Fuck me, this is the audience… [laughs] [audience laughs] This is the audience that’s gonna break me,” like, “It is a choice. [audience laughs] We’re here from the Baptist Church and, uh… [laughing continues] …we believe it is a choice and you’ve been making the wrong choice.” [laughs] [audience laughs] “We’re here to put hands on you.” [laughing] You know it’s not a choice. Sexuality is not a choice. If it was a choice, there wouldn’t be a straight woman alive. [audience laughs, applauds] Like, no offense to men. No offense to men, I love you guys, but have you seen your balls? [audience roars] [laughs] Those aren’t your biggest asset. [laughs] [audience laughing] [chuckling] They’re an acquired taste. [audience laughs]     I reckon the first– If it was a choice, if sexuality was a choice, the first time a woman walks into her room where there’s a naked man, she’d go “Oh. [audience laughs] Oh… Oh… [stammers] Uh… [exhales slowly] [laughing continues] I’m gonna go look for some puss. Uh… [audience laughs] I’m gonna leave you with that.” [audience laughs] Do you know how hard it is to explain what balls look like to a gold-star lesbian? [audience laughs] Do you guys know what a gold star is? [woman cheers] Okay, a gold star is a gay person who has never slept with anyone from the opposite sex. They only sleep with their own kind, the way God would want it. [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [laughs] So– Oh, wait, actually, gay dudes can be platinum stars. They are ones that have never slept with anyone from the opposite sex and they were born via cesarean. [audience laughs] So, even on the day they came out, they had a look and went, “Fuck no! [audience laughing] Take me out through the sunroof!” [audience laughs] [audience applauds] [chuckles] So… Do you know how hard it is for me to explain to a gold-star lesbian what balls look like? ‘Cause I’ve seen a fair few in my fucking time. [audience laughs] I go, “Well, basically, it’s like… [stammers] It’s like… [laughs] [audience laughs] It’s like… two rotten kiwi fruit… [audience laughing] [chuckles] …had a baby with some old tea bags and they just keep getting longer and longer and longer. You guys have been amazing! Thank you so much for having me. [audience cheers] Thank you, Melbourne! [audience applauds] [rock music playing] [applause continues] [cheering continues] https://www.netflix.com/title/81177697"
1686242743-361,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/chris-rock-total-blackout-the-tamborine-extended-cut-transcript/,"[Jimmy Fallon] Were you at the, uh, White House party? [Chris Rock] Yes, I was at the White House. Everybody was there. It was like… whoa. The last party at the White House… [chuckles softly] You been to the White House? [Jimmy] Yes. It’s amazing. [Jimmy] It’s unbelievable. You walk in, you see these humongous portraits of the presidents everywhere you go, right? So I’m there, and it’s me, and Ahmir is there, and Jay-Z, Beyoncé, Oprah, Steve… It’s like I died and went to Black heaven, right? [audience laughing] [Chris chuckles] They were all… [Jimmy] Something to see. It was unbelievable. There were a few white people there, too. But, uh… A couple… Kid Rock or somebody. Anyway… [audience laughing] [chuckling] Somebody… Katie Couric or something. And… [both laughing] They had a couple. [Jimmy] Sure. There’s a lot more now, I’ll tell you that. And… So… [chuckles] It’s a lot more now. [Jimmy laughing] Yeah. And they had entertainment… You’re sitting around, you’re meeting people, and you mingle, first you mingle. And at one point, it’s me and Michelle Obama just talking. I’m not really supposed to be alone with Michelle Obama. It’s not really my lane. I don’t know how to talk politics. And Michelle Obama’s like, “I don’t know what we’re gonna do. The country…” We’re talking about election and stuff. “I don’t know what’s gonna happen. This is such a crazy time.” And I go, “You’ll be aight.” That’s… I literally said that. I said that to Michelle. I said “You’ll be aight.” [Jimmy] To the First Lady. And then I said, “You know… you’ll get any kind of job you want. I mean, The View, The Housewives of Atlanta.” And she goes… And Michelle Obama looks at me and is like, “I was talking about the country. I wasn’t talking about me.” The Housewives of Atlanta. “I was talking about the country.” And I’d never felt so stupid in my life. It’s like my GED flared up, you know? And she gives me a look like, “Who let this n*gga in my house?” She didn’t say that, but that’s what the look was like. And then she goes, “Oprah, I gotta talk to you.” And she runs away from me, and then I’m feeling dumb. I’m like, “Okay, I gotta find some people as dumb as me.” I gotta find my intelligence, so I’m like, “Okay, where the athletes at?” Right? “Where are the athletes?” Then I see Charles Barkley like, “Ah, my n*gga.” Right? [all laughing] So… I see Charles Barkley, we talk for a minute, right? And then they ring a bell, and you gotta go watch the entertainment. So it’s me, Charles Barkley and Jay-Z going to this room to watch the entertainment. First it was, uh, Herbie Hancock and he was amazing, like… [imitates guitar]     Then Stevie Wonder kinda snatches the mic from Herbie Hancock, right? And starts playing his stuff and puts some extra blind in it. You know what I mean? Like, puts some, like… Puts some extra… [all laughing] You know what I mean? So Stevie… [man] Check please. You know, ’cause Stevie’s been in the White House more than most presidents. So when he acts like he don’t know where he’s going, he’s lying, right? He’s been there for nine presidents, right? So… So Stevie’s playing and me and Jay-Z get sad, ’cause we realize we’re never gonna play the White House. [Jimmy] Yeah. I mean, he’s never gonna be like… ♪ Jigga, what’s my motherfucking name? ♪ That’s never gonna happen. [Jimmy] I don’t see it. That’s not gonna happen. Not with one… We’re only on first Black president. [Jimmy] That’s right. Black President 12, there might be a Wu-Tang reunion, but not… Not… Not now. [Jimmy] Not now. Not gonna happen. Not while we’re in the single digits of Black presidents, right? So… [chuckles] Then the party started, and Quest starts playing music, and it’s amazing. And we’re dancing and it’s a bunch of Black people dancing our asses off. It is amazing. In this place… In a place that slaves made. Okay? In a house that slaves… Black people enjoying the White House, man. Just amazing. And Sasha, Malia and the Obamas saying goodbye to people and everything. And as I’m walking out the White House, I look up on the wall and I see a picture of George Washington with a bloody tear coming out of his eye. It’s like…  Chris Rock Total Blackout: The Tamborine Extended Cut [audience cheering] Chris Rock! [“Backseat Freestyle” by Kendrick Lamar playing] ♪ Uh, Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Martin had a dream ♪ ♪ Kendrick have a dream ♪ ♪ All my life I want money and power ♪ ♪ Respect my mind Or die from lead shower ♪ ♪ I pray my dick Get big as the Eiffel Tower ♪     ♪ So I can fuck the world for 72 hours ♪ ♪ Goddamn I feel amazin’ ♪ ♪ Damn, I’m in the Matrix ♪ ♪ My mind is livin’ on cloud nine… ♪ [Chris] Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit your asses down. Please let me get on with this show. It’s nice to be here in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, where I’m from. Bed-Stuy, do or die. Right? Home of Biggie and Jay. Yes, I’m back. I’m in the neighborhood. You know, the more things change, the more things stay the same. I’m walking around, looking around today, and I wonder… You would think that cops would occasionally shoot a white kid just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months, they’d look at their dead n*gga calendar and go, “Oh, my God. We’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Which one?” “Ah, the first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world with real equality. I wanna live in a world where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying, standing next to Al Sharpton… talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice. No justice, no quiche.” I know some people, like, “Come on, Chris. You’re going too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they’d let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you. You’re a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not like Michael Jackson famous. I’m not famous from miles away. My fame kicks in right about here. When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga, n*gga.” “Hey, that’s Chris Rock!” “Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.” It’s weird, man. It’s weird. This whole thing with the cops, man. ‘Cause as a Black man, you have a… Especially a grown Black man. I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like on one hand, I’m a Black man, so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. If somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the Crips. “Uh, yo, Crips, can you send Little JJ down?” “Oh, he’s here already?” “My bad. My bad.” Here’s the thing with the cops, though. I mean, being a cop’s a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough… [scattered applause] …and you get what you pay for. [chuckling] But here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent Black man, they always say the same things. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” “It’s just a few bad apples.” “Bad apple”? That’s a lovely name for “murderer.” I was like, “How’d they get that one? ‘Bad apple,’ that almost sounds nice.” I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, okay? But some jobs can’t have bad apples, okay? Some jobs, everybody got to be good. Like… pilots. You know? American Airlines can’t be, like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.” Yeah, man. This cop shit ain’t gonna stop, man. But racism is not gonna stop. It ain’t never stopping. It’s the American way, man. They used to have signs up that said, “Whites only.” They used to have signs up that said, “No Blacks allowed.” Now they got something new. It’s called prices. That’s right. Prices are the new Jim Crow. The Four Seasons hotel does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a $4,000-a-night hotel suite sure does. That ought to handle your n*gga problem right there. Prices are the new Jim Crow, baby. You know, Whole Foods does not say, “No Blacks allowed.” But a seven-dollar orange sure does. It says they don’t want my Black ass in here. A couple of white people are going, “They don’t want us in here either.” Fuck Whole Foods, I need some Half Foods. America’s insane, man. You gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, okay? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born, okay? But even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. At my house, we don’t have fire drills, we have whiter drills. So ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So everything in my house that’s the color white is either hot, heavy or sharp. So my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They got to contemplate this shit. “Ooh. This napkin, okay. Should I wipe my mouth with it or is that what Whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat, burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do.” “He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention!” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. “Daddy. Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker, it’s white. That’s what Whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “You should’ve gotten chocolate.” Oh, y’all think I’m joking, huh? I go hard, too. I go fucking hard, man. I got girls and I go hard. So if you got a Black son, you gotta just punch him in the face. As soon as he wakes up, it’s like, “Morning, n*gga.” Pow! Shit, if you got a Black son and you don’t punch him in the face, that’s child abuse. Shit, that’s right, man. Some people say young Black teenagers are an endangered species. But that’s not true. ‘Cause endangered species are protected by the government. Yo, man. You got to beat your Black son good. You got to whoop that ass. It’s important that he follows your instructions. ‘Cause, hey, ’cause the world is fucked up, man. We’ve got a fucked up justice system, okay? We’ve got a justice system for Black, for white, for rich, for poor. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime, in the exact same place, at the exact same time, and get different sentences. Yo. Yo, the justice system in America should be just like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. Like, “Hey. If you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.”     “They gave that white boy two years for a kilo.” “It’s good, I’ll take that.” Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems, prices problems, we got some gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, okay? Gun control. There ain’t never gonna be no gun control. Okay? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot your ass, okay? One of the reasons is ’cause we all love guns. Love guns. I had a gun. That’s right, comedian with a gun. Ooh, they’re not laughing. Bang! Yeah, man. We don’t care. America don’t care about no guns. You shoot up a church, nobody cared. You shot up a school, nobody cared, man. You shot up a theatre, people are like, “Should have had Netflix.” That’s right. They’re never, ever changing the gun laws. Somebody gets gunned down, you see that shit on TV, next thing you know, you watch TV and all you hear are clichés. You know? Fifty people, sixty people, that many people, whatever, dead. And somebody comes on and goes, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws ’cause Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt.” It was like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean, I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. When hunting with my grandfather, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a fa*got. And he’s a preacher. They are never changing the gun laws, no matter what, man. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, okay? And somebody will come on TV, you know, they’ll just talk, like, “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That’s what they’ll say. They’ll shoot 100 people and somebody will go, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” “As a matter of fact, if the gunman would have had a knife, he could have stabbed 100 people to death.” That’s what they say. They actually say that shit. On TV. Could have stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserve to die. What, you just watching this shit? “Oh, shit, somebody got stabbed.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they stabbed somebody else.” “Ooh, they getting closer.” “Ooh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming.” “Ooh, he stabbed the lady behind me.” “He’s a stabbing fool. I guess that’s why they call him Stabby.” They are never changing none of this gun shit, man. But you watch the news and it’s like, “Well, we can’t change the gun laws because every American has the right to protect their home.” Every American has the right to protect their home. That’s true, they got that right. But you ever notice that almost all the mass shooters, none of them own homes? They all live with their fucking mothers. No, man. They gotta change the gun laws. Here’s the deal. Here’s what I think. I think, in order for you to get a gun in the United States of America, you should have to have a mortgage. That’s right. That’s a background check for your ass. Shit, if you got a 739 credit score, you ain’t killing nobody. See, the mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to quit your job? Just ready to quit. Like, “I can’t take this shit. These people don’t know how to use me. My skills are going to waste. I’m too smart for these people. I’m going in there tomorrow, and I’mma quit this job.” And you walk in there, and you think you gonna quit, and you see that boss and you think, “That fucking mortgage. I’mma be here 30 more years. If I’m lucky.” Shit, having a mortgage make you act right. How many times you been ready to smack the shit out of somebody at work? Just smack… Yeah, I ain’t the only one. Just ready to smack the shit, like, “I can’t believe this motherfucker think they can talk to me this way. Tomorrow, I’mma smack the shit out this one.” You start doing push-ups. You dip your hand in lard. “I’mma smack him with a crispy hand. I’m gonna have a layer of crispy on my hand when I smack this motherfucker. That’s right. I might Buffalo smack this motherfucker.” Dip it in some hot sauce, too. And right before you could smack the shit out this motherfucker, you run up to him, you’re like… “Whoo! You’re lucky I’m trying to re-finance.” That’s right. Mortgage makes you act right. There ain’t nothing better than a good mortgage. If you got a good mortgage, God has blessed you. “What is a good mortgage?” you might ask. A mortgage that allows you to live your life. To do things, to go places, to buy shit. If you got a mortgage that’s like that, then your God has shined His light on you. But if you got a bad mortgage, whoo… Hell hath no fury like a bad mortgage. “What is a bad mortgage?” you ask. Well, a bad mortgage is any mortgage that doesn’t allow you to do anything but pay your motherfucking mortgage. That is a bad mortgage. You can’t go nowhere, you can’t even come to this motherfucking show. You gotta watch Delirious on VCR. That’s right. When you got a bad mortgage, boy, you need to get your eyebrows done one at a time. “I’mma get the left done right now, and in about three weeks, I might get the right done. I might. I don’t know if I’ll have the money. I’m trying to go to Whole Foods later. Shit’s expensive.” That’s right. One of them bad Suge Knight mortgages where your house is just looking at you, like, “Where’s my money, bitch?” “It’s death row, motherfucker!” That’s right. Nothing like a bad mortgage that you all fucked up. That’s right. Where you’re like a meth addict. And the house is the dealer. And you’re like, “Please, I’m just trying to get this basement fixed. I’ll do anything. I’ll suck your dick.” If you got one of those mortgages, just get out of that shit. Ain’t no shame in renting. Just rent, motherfucker, rent, man. It is so good to be here right now. I’m just glad to be back. I’ve been… I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People are like, “Where you been?” I’ve been busy. Trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Trying to raise these kids, man. You know, sometimes I watch the news, and people are like… Whenever there’s some crazy, racist thing, people always go, “Well, children… Children don’t… They’re not born racist. You have to teach them to hate.” That’s what people always say. “Children are born loving. You have to teach them to hate.” It’s the biggest crock of bullshit I have ever heard in my life. Kids are the most racist, sexist, homophobic, mean motherfuckers on the face of the Earth. You don’t teach your kid to love. Raising your child is just beating the hate out of them. That’s all it is. Kids are mean motherfuckers, okay? What the… Are you… My daughter, when she was little, was like, “Daddy, that lady, she’s so scary. I’m so scared. Oh, my God, Daddy. She’s a monster.” I’m like, “No, she’s Asian, Lola.” “Stop it. Okay? You racist brat, stop it.” “Daddy, that man, he’s got antennas. He’s gonna eat me. He’s scary.” “No, it’s dreadlocks, Lola. Stop it.”     Kids are fucking mean. Are you fucking kidding me? When my kid was two, she was biting kids on the playground. You think I taught her to bite kids? No, that was her natural state. She came out of the womb like Wolverine. Just tearing fucking kids up. Kids are horrible people. That’s right. Pre-school is just jail with milk. So… “Kids have to learn to hate.” Get the fuck out of here. Yo, man. So, I’m with my daughter, this year she started high school. My oldest started high school. Yep. Yep, yep. Kept her off the pole and now… Started high school. So I had to go with her to a freshman orientation. Did you ever go to a freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium, quite like this, with a couple thousand kids, and people come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know, you can be anything you wanna be.” “You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” “Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be.” “But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld.” “Shit. I’m looking at these kids right now.” “I count at least 60 Uber drivers.” “They could be anything they wanna be.” Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth! Say, “Hey, kids… Check this out. Check this out.” “You could be anything you’re good at, as long as they’re hiring.” “And even then, it helps to know somebody.” So I’m sitting there, I’m in school and I’m watching this shit, and it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got Black kids, man. I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a Black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. ‘Cause the Black kids, you’re in… You know, you get ready to face a whole nother world. I got Black kids. I got to get them ready for the white man. I got to get them ready for America, man. You know? That’s right. You know? Not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys all right. Y’all cool. Every one of you, I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little Black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.”  I was doing a movie a couple of years ago, and one of my bullies was working security on the movie. Shit. A guy who literally one day, in school, turned me upside down and shook the money out of my pockets. And I’m filming a scene… This is in Top Five. And I look and I’m like, “Is that B?” I’ll just say B. And he nodded, kinda… He was kind of ashamed. I just gave him, just a quick look, like, “Hey, man. I hope you doing well. You take care.” And I kept it moving. I didn’t like, “Get him off the set! Get him fired!” It’s like his sin has punished him. He could’ve been my friend. Right. [Chris] Know what I mean? He could’ve been in the trailer with us watching The Godfather. You know what I mean? The fact that he had to go through that whole day and watch me walk around and watch me… I was directing a movie. And watch me be me in all my glory. And to be so close to me, but yet so motherfucking far. Right, you got your revenge. [Chris] You know? I didn’t have to do anything. You ever watch Bugs Bunny? Bugs Bunny? All the time. When did Elmer Fudd get really mad at Bugs Bunny? Not when he shot him in the face with an anvil, not when he hit him over the head with a rock. You know when Elmer Fudd got really mad? When Bugs Bunny kissed him. [Howard chuckles] Yeah, that true. That’s when he would lose his mind. And when somebody does you wrong, just give ’em a kiss.  So I’m at the school… I’m at the school, and the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. I was, like, “What kinda half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need quick. I know I said you gotta punch your Black son in the face, but, honestly, I believe all children should be punched in the face. Preferably by another child. ‘Cause once you’ve been punched in the face, you learn how to talk to people. You learn tone. That’s right. A lot of teeth been lost over tone. That’s right. One of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling their kids how special they are. These souped-up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, there’s always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they’re special. Maybe they’re special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Look, every day before my kids leave for school, I get them at the door, I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute, nobody thinks you’re smart, nobody gives a fuck about your opinion, nobody on the whole Earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you. Nobody. And even some of the people inside the house, a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck do you have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half, bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying because your boss didn’t say hi? “You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.” I’m tired of this shit, man. We need bullies! Who’s gonna solve the problems of the world? Who’s gonna figure out global warming? Who’s gonna cure cancer? Who’s gonna eradicate poverty? You know who’s gonna do it? Some kid getting his ass kicked by a bully, that’s who. That’s right. Do you understand, “Nerds rule the world”? Always have, always will. Okay? I’ve never gotten a check from somebody taller than me. And I ain’t that tall. Thanks a lot, Mr. Weinstein. That’s how it goes, man. Bullies rule… We need bullies. Need ’em. You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker.” “Fuck you, Gates, you four-eyed bitch.” “Fuck you and your Windows, you gape-toothed motherfucker.” “I’mma smack the shit out of you, you fucking Gate.” “Gate, motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zuckerfuck.” “Zuckerfucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zucker, motherzuck, suck-my-nuts-er, zucker, motherzucker, motherzuck, zuckermother, zuckermother, motherzucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends. We need bullies. Shit. Pressure makes diamonds, not hugs. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. That’s right. Bullies are the fertilizer that help good people to grow. If you want pretty flowers, you need a little shit. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. And I hate when people go, “Well, you know what, cyberbullying’s worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber-kicked down a flight of stairs. I never heard of anybody getting a cyber-bag of piss thrown at them. We need fucking bullies. Shit. That’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies, a real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion’s kind of like salt. A sprinkle’s good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. But God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting courtside at a Knick game, getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and God shows up. “Strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick, too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you’re in jail for murder and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Okay, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now, somebody’s killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you’re in jail for parking tickets and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like… “I should have moved that car. What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.” I’m trying to find God before God finds me. But it’s so hard, it’s so hard, ’cause I’m such piece of shit. I try to be good, but I’m such a piece of shit. The other day, I gave the homeless guy five dollars. Should’ve been a good deed. Should’ve been a good deed. But I didn’t give him five dollars for him, I gave him five dollars for me. That’s right. You ever give or do something good just hoping God will notice you? It’s like, I basically was trying to kick-start a blessing. Like, I was basically looking at God as I was giving this bum some money, like, “Look at me, Lord. I’m a good person. Shine your light on me.” And I’m so full of shit, everybody I spoke to that day, I slipped in that I gave this guy five dollars. No matter what they were talking about, “Hey, man, you see LeBron?” “No, I was too busy giving this bum some money. I had no time.” And I’m bragging about giving him five dollars. Meanwhile, I had about 400 in my pocket. I’m going past big money to give him little money. I’m like, “No, no, can’t have that. Nope, nope. Nope, nope, not for you. Nope, nope. That’s for strippers later. Nope, nope.” I gave him enough to get something at McDonalds, but nothing to drink. “Get yourself a number eight… dry.” Just trying to find God before God finds me. I’m so fucked up, man. A lot of religion in the news, man. We ever watch the news, it’s always like, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God, no, they extremely believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday at 2:30. I got tickets. Fantasia’s opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.” That’s right, religious extremists extremely believe in God, and occasionally blow shit up. Which is odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the Sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would He need your help? What is that shit? And… That’s right. I mean, here’s the thing. I think the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. That’s right. If you really had faith, you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now, that’s believing in God. Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God. Is God here yet? Trying to find God before God finds me, man. Another thing religious extremists messed up, man, air travel. Just ruined it, man. Remember, it used to be fun to fly? You could have a 12:00 flight and leave your house at 11:30. And make it. Remember, you used to be able to pick grandmother up at the gate? That’s right. Now, by the time you get her, she done had a heart attack. She’s just dead going around the conveyor belt. “You got a ticket for dead Grandma?” And they got all this security, they take your shoes, they take your shampoo. When did shampoo become so dangerous? They take your shampoo, you get through security, and then they sell shampoo at the gift shop. Sometimes, they’re trying to sell you your own shampoo back. I know my Prell when I see it. Yo, I’m tired of all the security. Yo, they need an airline for people that don’t give a fuck. They need an airline… They need an airline with absolutely no security for people that are in a hurry, and willing to take their lives in their own hands. That’s what they need. I’ll pay an extra $50 for that shit. They need to call it Risky Airlines. That’s right. Risky Airlines, Muslims half price. That’s right. The bigger the beard, the more legroom you get. They won’t even have tickets. They just stamp your hand like you at a club. You’ll be like, “I was in already.” “At Risky Airlines, all our pilots are bad apples.” No, man. Just trying to find God before God finds me, man. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I love getting up on a Sunday and watching the preachers. Preachers. I just love watching the preachers. It’s like, you know… My man, T.D. Jakes. Creflo Dollar. Joel Osteen. Check ’em all out, man. Here’s my question. Why’s God always so broke? God has been suffering financial difficulties… for quite some time. What the fuck? Does God have a bad mortgage? What is… What is going on? Who pays God’s taxes, Wesley Snipes? What’s going on? I don’t understand. Whoo!     The Devil’s never broke. Devil making it rain at the strip club. You never see the Devil on TV going, “Hey, this evil ain’t gonna pay for itself.” Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion follows one basic premise, one basic idea that every religion follows. And that premise is, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Every religion believes that. Everybody. [imitating preacher] “God does not make… mistakes.” “I say God… does not… [harmonizes] make… mistakes.” God don’t make no mistakes? That’s… Okay. That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? “God rested.” Okay. Seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task, it was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No! That has never fucking happened to you. What’s happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.” “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Hush your mouth. God makes plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it, can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake! What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. Do you think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake! You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake! M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! Fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, goddamn! You know what Mississippi’s like? You know like when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van. That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. You’re looking out the window and you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God. Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba, Shabba, Shabba, Shabba! People looking like they’d never saw a car before. “Wheel! Wheel!” Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice. It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like, “That baby wasn’t really dead, right? I can’t wait to Jet Ski.” Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh, you know, taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no, don’t… [scattered applause] No, don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced, let me tell you right now. I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Tell you right, if you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right, at the show, right now. That’s right, just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better… You better make sure you got some options. ‘Cause some of y’all been in a relationship so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. Before you leave, just take off all your clothes, stand in a mirror, like… “This is what I’m putting on the market.” You might need sit-ups or counseling. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out, okay? You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing, okay? People say, “Relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person is working on it. That’s right. Two people can move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right. If you’re in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, okay? I’m trying to fucking help you, okay? Okay. First rule, rule one, stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, okay? Number two. Number two, okay? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You are in the service industry, okay? That’s right, when you are in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead, and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. If you gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like, “Tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” “A tambourine, motherfucker, tambourine.” Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right, you in a band. It’s like Hall & Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him. Yeah. You wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gotsta fuck. People will say, “Oh, when we got together, it was so much fun but then problems arose.” No, they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking, so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade, dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. So you knew she couldn’t cook, but she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gotsta fuck. You got to fuck, you gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you in. You got to keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy dick. You got to do what you got to do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “I can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I’d eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? No, man, you gotsta fuck, man. Dude, I was married for 16 years. For 16 years. Yes, that’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means… my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In my 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 fucking years. Think about it. My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning, come home at 8:30 at night, and during the day, him and my mother had no contact at all. That’s what a fucking relationship used to be. That’s right. The kids could’ve died, and he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “The kids died?” “What time?” “About eight hours ago.” “Oh, shit.” They had no contact at all. That’s what… Everybody’s parents in here, that’s what a relationship was. When they got together, they actually used to talk. You know why? ‘Cause each one of them had pertinent information that was useful to the other one. That’s right. “Baby, how was your day?” “Whitey didn’t get me.” “Didn’t get me, either.” “I love you.” You know why else they used to talk? You know why else? ‘Cause they used to miss each other. They used to actually miss each other. You can’t miss nobody today. They right in your back pocket. They with you all the fucking time. That’s right. Soon as you leave the house, you get a fucking beep, you get a text, you get a FaceTime, you get a fucking Snapchat, you get some kind of fucking communication. Then your woman got the nerve to go, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” “What are you talking about? I know everything you did today, and I know how people felt about it.” “That’s right. I read the comments, motherfucker.” “I gave you five likes, bitch. Shit.” “I gave you three smiley faces and a eggplant.” “Now, get off my back.” Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I was fucked up, you know. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn, and, you know… I was 15 minutes late everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You got to mix it up. Choke-Out Thursdays. And what happens when you watch too much porn? You get desensitized, you know? When you start watching porn, it’s like any porn will do. Like, “Ah, they’re naked.” Ooh-hoo! Then, later on, now you’re all fucked up and you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, you know? I was so fucked up. I’d need a Asian girl with a Black girl’s ass that speaks Spanish… just to get my dick to move an inch. I’m good now. Man, I had to go to rehab, get the porn patch. I’m a lot better now. Ladies, that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wife, your girlfriend. Take care of her or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek, just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys, they think they’re with their wife right now. But no, n*gga, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you, she with me. Man, the older you get, the bullshit you learn… One thing, the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right, that’s right. They got The Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got The Working Bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. A housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause a housewife has convinced her husband that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here, right now, think they own a house, think it’s their house, too. No, she took that house years ago, and the kids were in on it. That’s right. The housewife is a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. “Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, okay? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken and when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house, ha-ha!” That’s right, fellas, you don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. The only man that owns anything is a single man, okay? And, fellas, here’s a test right now. If you really think you own a house… Just a test. Okay, fellas, tonight, when you go home, I want you to try… I want you to try… Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral, she’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker. And don’t get mad. Do not get mad at your woman. Whatever you do, do not get mad. ‘Cause if you get mad at your woman, she will get mad at you. And you’re mad ’cause you can’t hang up a picture of your mother. But she’s mad at you for having the audacity to get mad at her. You’re actually mad about a actual thing she did. And she’s just mad that you had the nerve to react to the thing that she did. You didn’t do nothing, now you gotta apologize to move this shit on. Like, “Hey, baby, I’m sorry. I should’ve known my mother’s face didn’t deserve to be on the walls of our house. Uh, I will never do something that stupid again. Uh, maybe I’ll hang it up in my office or something. I would appreciate it. Um, thank you. Thank you, honey. I love you. If it helps, fuck my mother. Okay? Fuck her.” Oh, man. And if she gets real mad… If your woman gets real mad, then she’ll issue a pussy strike. You don’t want that. Nothing worse than a pussy strike. That’s right. Remember the pussy strike of 2013? That was a tense negotiation. The union was tough. That’s right, man. Pussy strike. Pussy embargo. Pussy sanctions. Treat your dick like it’s Cuba. That’s right. Pussy strike is the most deadly weapon in the female arsenal. But it has to be deployed correctly. Lot of women don’t know how to give the pussy strike. That’s right. Some of y’all don’t know how to give a proper pussy strike. Here’s the thing about a pussy strike. The pussy strike only works if you fuck your husband regularly. That’s right. You can’t threaten a man with sex he don’t ever get. You’re like, “I won’t suck your dick.” “You don’t suck my dick now. What other fantasy things are you gonna take out of my life? You want to take the keys to my spaceship? You want to take my pet tiger? What else? What else you gonna take?” That’s right. Ladies, you gotta fuck your husbands. You gotta fuck ’em! You have to fuck these motherfuckers. You have to do it. ‘Cause if you don’t fuck him, he will build up antibodies to your pussy. That’s right. The more you fuck him, the weaker he is. But if you don’t fuck him, he will build up his own opinion. You don’t want that. Eyes on the prize. Eyes on the fucking prize! Shit, man. Here’s a thing, too. Here’s another good reason to fuck your husband. God forbid you’re ever in a horrible train accident. That’s right. And your whole body is mangled and ripped up. And the only thing left… is the pussy. And your husband has to come down to the morgue and identify the pussy so you could get a proper burial. If you haven’t been having sex, that’s gonna be hard. And he gets down there, the mortician’s like, “I’mma pull back this sheet, and when I do, I need you to identify the pussy, okay?” And he pulls back the sheet and your husband’s like, “I don’t know. I… I can’t really… I can’t, uh… [chuckles nervously] You sure she was on the train? Uh…” “Uh, can you make it go like this?” [pretend-crying] That’s my wife. That’s my wife.” Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight, or another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right, hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t got to really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong, they’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they’re not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him. I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours. The bitch had me feeling bad about myself.” Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. Hey, it’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man, just… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True, true, you know. You know, I had a attitude. I thought, “I pay for everything, I can do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You got to play the tambourine. Everybody got to play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah, I’m serious. I’m not… I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was on the road and… I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s like fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat, it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But then you know what happens? Your woman finds out, and now, she’s new. She’s never the same again. So now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know, you got bad fucking new, man. Every woman here right now is like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? I thought…” “You, I thought you was all right. You?” “Come on, Chris, what the fuck is wrong with you?” “What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here is like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” “That’s it? Just three?” “Goddamn, man.” “I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that.” “Three?” “You must’ve really loved your wife.” “You a romantic.” Yo, man, it’s fucked, man. I remember, right, when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Okay. Let me say, ‘What’s up?'” And I’m like, I said, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would’ve had a easier time fucking Aretha Franklin. And I mean that respectfully, okay? She was asking me about other dudes. “Have you seen Ray J?” I’m like, “Fuck Ray J. I hate that n*gga.” Yo, you don’t want to get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. I had to go through a custody fight for my kids, just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court, and you don’t wanna be a Black man in any court. Yeah. Even the Black judge comes to work with his lawyer, and he keeps his robe on all day. Writes “judge” on the back, just in case somebody thinks it’s a n*gga with a cape. “Is that a n*gga with a cape?” “Nope, just the judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth. So, I bought a house around the corner, okay? Like, fucking quarter of a mile, like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, okay? But… wasn’t enough, man. I went in there, that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What? You think I got a manger, what? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Okay. Show them the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside to make sure the children have enough to eat.” I’m like… “What have you heard about me? I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.”     Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug ’em, take a picture, if you feed ’em, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. Whoo! But it worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids, okay. I see my kids all the time. I got my custody. Shit worked out, okay? But that shit was like humiliating, man, trying to prove your parenthood, man. So I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship, but after you go through that shit, you’re like, “Am I gonna lose my kids?” I was like, “Yo, I’m going hard every time I have my kids.” I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mom’s house, but we’re gonna top that shit… every motherfucking time, okay?” Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” You all think I’m bullshitting. Then check my Instagram, all right? And the crazy thing is… So after you get through the custody thing, then you got to divide the money, that’s fucking scary shit, man. And whoever… Whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person, so I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hitman to kill you. It’s like, “Okay. Here’s a picture of me. I’mma be at Burger King at 10:38, okay? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So… I’m in court… Yo, one day I’m in court, and I’m just looking around, and she got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers, I got three lawyers. The judge, the bailiff, the stenographer. I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. It’s like, “Wow, look at this whole… town, just here.” I’m looking at all these people and realize, everybody in this room is far more educated than me, everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, okay? I got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realized everybody in the room was born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. It’s like, everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me. And they got up that morning, they brushed their teeth, they put on suits, they fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. After that, I was like, “Fuck it. Take it. Whatever you need, take it. I’ll be all right. I’mma work. It’s gonna be good.” ‘Cause here’s the crazy thing, man. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I bought this shit on myself, you know. Nobody told me to go hoe up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And you got to learn some lessons, some man lessons, okay? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness that you have to accept when you’re a man, especially a Black man. It’s like, the world is cold as a motherfucker, okay? You get older, the one thing I learned… Only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something, okay? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” [laughs sarcastically] You ain’t never heard that shit. No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand, can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right. Fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do? What the fuck does that n*gga do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not?” That’s right. Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing their woman. You think you know her right now, you don’t know shit. Lose your job for three weeks, motherfucker, and you will meet her. Every man in this room is a job loss away. Okay? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack going, “What’s your plans, n*gga? How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” Yo, man. It’s a harsh, cold world, man. But I brought this on myself, man. When you get older, you learn shit, man. But, you know, women cheat, too. Women cheat. We don’t do this shit by ourselves. Women cheat, too. They’re just better at it than guys. Guys, we’re horrible cheats. We always get caught late night, come home smelling like hotel soap. Your woman’s like, “What’s that smell?” “I don’t know.” Then you take off your clothes and a little bar of soap falls out your ass. “I knew it!” It’s crazy that guys, we get caught so easy. It’s so easy to catch us ’cause it’s always the new chick. It’s the new chick at work, new chick at school. “Ah, that bitch.” Women, when you catch a woman, it’s always some motherfucker you done met ten times. He been all up in your house, he drank your Pellegrino. Then one day you give him a good look, you’re like, “Wait a minute. Craig ain’t in the book club. This n*gga can’t read.” Oh, man. I’m retired, I’m… This cheat shit, I’m done. I’m done. You get a certain age, you got in a lot of shit, lose enough shit, it’s like, “Fuck this, I’m done cheating.” I… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl, be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right. I ain’t cheating at all. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know. Like I keep half a Viagra in my wallet, just in case she ever goes through an “old comedians” phase. “Rihanna fucked Eddie Griffin. Shit, I gotta get over there.” “Fucking Eddie Griffin. Goddamn!” It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time. You know, I date some girls my age and some little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out your house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where are you going? It’s your place.” They used to wanna cuddle or something. Them motherfuckers be gone. And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man and I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God, young girls like to get on top, always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride. Let me get on top. Let me ride it, let me ride it, let me ride.” You can’t get no 45-year-old woman to get on top. She’s like, “N*gga, you lucky I’m laying like this. I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” But them young girls like, “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top.” I’m laying back, this girl’s bouncing on my dick, I can’t tell if I’m fucking or changing oil. “Let me get on top. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you because you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put, Cedric the Entertainer?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt naked, holding a microphone… and a tambourine. I’m out of here. Y’all take care. Thank you. [mic thuds] [“Can I Live II” by JAY-Z playing] ♪ Yeah, is y’all n*ggas finished, yo? ♪ ♪ Is y’all n*ggas finished? ♪ ♪ Got your little radio play Your little BDS, huh ♪ ♪ You finished, n*gga? ♪ ♪ Huh, huh, y’all finished? ♪ ♪ Can I live, huh? ♪ ♪ Can I live, yo, you’re being stingy With the fucking music again, yo ♪ ♪ Yo, yo… Yo I blacks out I pulls the MAC out ♪ ♪ Scream “What’s that about?” Then I clap out ♪ ♪ I get my plot on and my drop on Through the rotten ♪ ♪ Don’t even hate on those who hate me I got Pac on ♪ ♪ Feeling it Chickens are ice grilling it ♪ ♪ Cops pulling it over Jigga react militant ♪ ♪ Speed off Officer told me turn the beat off ♪ ♪ I turned it a level higher Then return the devil’s fire ♪ ♪ I’m raised different React in situations n*ggas lay stiff in ♪ ♪ Rookies blame it on the age difference ♪ ♪ My subliminal flows Create criminal odes ♪ ♪ Sing along if y’all with me Till the end of the road ♪ ♪ I’m cynical When in the view of the public ♪ ♪ And this is because I’m defensive when I’m in interviews ♪ ♪ The percentage who don’t understand Is higher than the percentage who do ♪ ♪ Check yourself What percentage is you? ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my n*ggas With all white Air Force Ones ♪ ♪ And black guns, stack ones, yo ♪ ♪ Can I live, for all my chicks… ♪ * * * [Dave Chappelle] You’re the best. [Chris] You’re the best. [Dave] Whatever it is… [man 1] We’re all the best. Whatever you do, your shit moves me. Like, I seek out… [man 2] I would rather see this than the old days, when Michael and Prince were fighting, and one motherfucker end up falling off a lifeboat. [man 1] Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. I saw that. Fuck them, you know? You know that story? [man 1] I remember. Oh, my God. Eddie and Richard only got together for the movie. They were not cool. Richard and Cosby weren’t cool. The first time I saw Eddie and Richard together, Richard’s on stage in The Original Room. And he’s performing. And Rashon brings him a note. And Richard looks at the note, and he puts it away and he keeps working a little bit. The note says, “Eddie Murphy is here.” So, Richard’s working. Richard finally says, “There’s a young man here. A lot of people say that he’s the new me, but I’m not finished being me yet, so that shit is… That fucks with me… His name is Eddie Murphy.” And everybody goes crazy. He says, “You wanna come up, so I can get to know you?” [Chris chuckling] Oh, my gosh. Oh, wow! Oh, wow! “How about put your hands together for Eddie Murphy.” Eddie walks in the main room, comes up to that one step on, right. He steps up on the stage, they shake and meet for the first time, and Richard walks away, but doesn’t leave. He sits on that step, that one step down in The Original Room, he sits, and sits and watches Eddie work. So, for Eddie, it’s like, Richard’s sitting here… Oh, man. [Chris chuckles] …and Eddie turns the motherfucker out. And Richard stands at the end, and Eddie comes to the step, they walk away together. It was the greatest fucking moment. Yeah, I’ll say it… ♪ Two kids, one job, and no man ♪ ♪ All my chicks getting that washing set With their welfare check ♪ ♪ Haha, all the mamis dame un beso All right ♪ ♪ Yeah All my n*ggas rocking them fitted caps ♪ ♪ Trying to get at this rap Know what I mean? ♪ ♪ All my cats with open cases Big cars, and no license ♪ ♪ I like that shit, I see y’all ♪ ♪ All my n*ggas that say pause After they say some fucked up shit ♪ ♪ Haha, rock on and, uh… ♪ ♪ Jigga shit Roc-A-Fella forever, yo ♪ ♪ Uh, Major Coins… ♪"
1686242759-365,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/nate-bargatze-greatest-average-american-transcript/,"[folk rock music playing] ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ On a credit card ♪
 ♪ Hey ♪ [girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy. You did your riding with the horses? Yeah. But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride her– Okay. All right, Harper, I gotta do a show. Be funny. Be funny. I love you. I love you. We love you. And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze! * * * [audience cheers and applauds] [folk rock continues playing] [audience members cheer] All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.” But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been. I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster. And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living. I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.” I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…” I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.” You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know?     I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” [Nate chuckles] I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.” What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.” He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.” We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.” So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?” When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it. One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know? Doing those drive-in shows were fun. You know, you’re doing it at a drive-in movie theater. What’s hard is when people want to leave early if they don’t like your act. I mean, you just see headlights hit you in the face, and he’s just like… and just backs up. And you’re like, “All right, there goes that guy.” Uh… I did one Zoom show, and it was just… I mean, it’s just your face on it, and right before we get started, I just hear someone say, “I don’t know. It’s some stupid comedy thing.” It’s just… What’s that? What’d she say? [helicopter whirring] Just helicopters all day. That’s an outside show. The next special’s going to be at LAX. It’s gonna be a good time. Uh… [chuckles] [audience applauds and cheers] I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…” I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I… [audience applauds] [chuckles] It was… [cheering] I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.” So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. [exclaims indistinctly] So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind. Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing. She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!” We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.” [audience applauds]     They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up. There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about. Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital. She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.” She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that. Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.” I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.” My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support. So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true. Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?” When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.” I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.” We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!” It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.” Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.” Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?” The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?” I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?” The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?” [helicopter whirring] I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?” Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.” One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time. It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?” So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life.     So if you’re around my age, you might realize, you end up always being in the middle. Like, I understand. When a Gen-X’er says something, you’re like, “I get it.” A Millennial says something, “I get it.” You always feel in the middle. And these groups all hate each other. The most I’ve ever felt where I was in the middle is just this one hotel that I stayed at. So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast, and you can watch Netflix in your hotel room. So I’m watching. I get in my room, and I turn it on. My Chromecast is not working. So I called down to the front desk, and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone. This guy was a Civil War survivor. I mean, he… He was the age where you just go, “Thank you for your service.” Like, “Was he in the Army?” You’re like, “Probably, man.” “There’s an age where they all had to go at that age, so just say it.” Uh… So I tell him, “Hey, my Chromecast is not working.” I could’ve just made up a word. He’s never heard of that. I could have said, “My beep-bop broke.” I mean… He asked if I was staying at that hotel. That’s how confused… He goes, “Are you staying here?” I was like, “Do you think I’ve called a front desk from a different hotel room?” So he goes, “Look, I don’t know what this is, but there’s a younger guy here. I’ll send him up. He’ll help you.” And I was like, “Great.” So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door, I open it. He’s my dad’s age. Right when I see him, you’re like, “All right, dude.” “We don’t have to do this.” You know? I mean… “I know you’ve heard of it, but if I can’t fix it, you’re not gonna be able to fix it.” But he’s the generation that still wants to give it a try, so… I gotta let him in. So he comes in my room, sits on my bed, a little too far back, I thought. Uh… I just remember the back of his calves were touching the bed, and I was like, “Are your feet dangling? How far back are you gonna go?” Uh… “Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?” He gets the remote and just starts pressing all the buttons. I said, “I don’t know if that’ll do it.” He goes, “Let’s just keep trying it, though.” I go, “All right.” Uh… [chuckles] “I’ll turn the shower on, open a window. Let’s try everything.” “Let’s just see. Maybe it turns on. Who knows? Maybe it’s all connected.” We can’t get it, and he goes, “All right, there’s a younger guy, he’s about to come to work.” At this point I’m like, “I’m the younger guy.” I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I don’t need it.” He goes, “No, it’s a Millennial.” And I was like, “Now we’re getting somewhere,” you know? “This is what the Millennial does. He was born with technology.” “He’ll know how to fix this.” I was excited. I was like, “Great.” He goes, “He comes to work in an hour.” I go, “Wonderful.” Let me tell you, know how quick that Millennial fixed it? I’ll never know, ’cause he just didn’t come to work that night, so… Didn’t call in, nothing. I found out ’cause the old guy called me ’cause he was supposed to fill in for him. He was furious, dude. He hates that Millennial. He goes, “He never comes to work, he doesn’t take it serious, he’s got a peanut allergy.” I was like, “All right, well…” I ended up fixing it myself because it was just unplugged. So, yeah, that’s my fault. Uh… [laughs] The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.” And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline. And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle. I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.” So they threw the waffle iron… They just throw it away. That’s what they have to do, just throw it away. It’s over. Now there’s no waffles. We went from “all about to get a waffle,” to “it’s upside down in a trash can.” Then he just turns and looks, and it’s just a line of people with that little foam plate. And just everybody’s sad. I just hear someone in the back go, “I set my alarm for this.” Two guys didn’t have shoes on, “I ran down with no shoes in that elevator.” “I thought I was gonna miss it.” So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know? We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door. My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man.” So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.” So my parents, I think, watched a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing, so it got ’em scared. And I think they took it as, “Look, you guys are getting kidnapped.” “There’s nothing we can do. It’s happening.” So they wanted us to be prepared for it. So instead of, like, I don’t know, self-defense, give us a gun, I don’t know, something, what they did was… You know how you always hand out flyers if a kid goes missing? They’re like, “Let’s just get that flyer ready.” “We’ll just do that,” you know? If a kid goes missing, they always have a flyer. They put a picture of the kid and all the information below, so the height, weight, eye color, all that stuff. So instead of making a flyer, what they made us do was we wrote on a piece of paper our name, height, weight, eye color, and then we just held it up against the wall, and they just took a picture of us. So the picture is us holding our own information. And they said, “When the cops are like, ‘Hey, let’s get a flyer ready,’ we’ll be like, ‘Well, we’ve been rooting for this to happen.'” “‘We already have one made.’ We’ll give that to the police.” Which, if we would have been kidnapped, my parents would be in prison right now. No one’s going to believe you pre-took pictures. They’ll just look at this and be like, “Just tell us where the kids are at.” “That would be the easiest thing to do. I’ve never seen this ever.” They had to go get that printed at Walmart too. You couldn’t do that at home. You had to go show people that you’re crazy. We walked in Walmart. The guy’s probably like, “Could I talk to your kids by themselves for a bit? I’d love to chat with them.” So I’m, uh, married as well. We… Me and my wife just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. And… Thank you. [audience applauds] Uh, we’ve been together for 20 years, and I met her, it was before I ever started comedy. We both worked at Applebee’s together, is where we met. We’re big Applebee’s fans still to this day. [helicopter whirring] Hold on. Let me just… It feels like… Yeah, that’s a good one. How many… Are they not all doing the same job? You know, like… Wouldn’t they just be like, “I’m already over here, so you don’t gotta come over here,” you know? That’s what they should do. They should talk more. “I’m over here,” and he goes, “Okay, I didn’t realize you were over–” He’s like, “Yeah, so don’t go. I’ll stay here, and you stay over there.” “That’s our main thing, is that we can stay right here, you know?” All right. So my wife and I, we met at Applebee’s. And before I ever started comedy. I was a host, and she was a server. And someone asked her recently, they said, “Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine when you started dating that your lives would become all that it’s become?” She said, “When I met him, he was a host, and I didn’t think he was smart enough to be a server.” So, yeah. We’ve gone a little bit farther than I expected. You know? [chuckles] I told her I wanted to be a server one day. She’s like, “You keep dreaming that dream, all right?” “I think if you try hard, you can get that menu memorized.” Me and my wife… So I’m the dreamer of our group. I feel like in a marriage, one of you is a dreamer, you know, “Money’s not real, let’s have fun, let’s go do fun stuff as much as we can.” And the other person hates fun. That’s how you make a marriage. You can’t have two dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour. You need someone that walks around, “Is fun happening? I’d like to put a stop to that.” “Are y’all having fun? Stop it. Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off.” I married my dad, is who I married. My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost $100,000 a day to run it. We’d be on car rides, I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded. Like, just gas, you were out immediately. “Someone turn the air conditioner on?” My wife’s always around too, I feel. Just always, like, near, you know… Especially at home, it’s like I married a cat. I’m like, “You’re just always on me.” If I go to the bathroom, she’s like, “I’m gonna paint the bathroom door while you’re in there.” I’m like, “You couldn’t do it later?” “No, I had all the time to do it.” “I thought I’d wait till you went in, that’s when I was gonna start.” If I eat something she doesn’t approve of, she just pops up, man. I mean, I’ll try to sneak it. I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic at 3:00 a.m., and I would bet my life a light would cut on and she’d be like, “What are you doing up here?” If I question it, like, “What are you doing here?” She’s like, “I’m always here. This is when I do my attic stuff.” She put Life360 on my phone, so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She calls me, “Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?” I’m like, “I’m not gonna live like this, all right?” If I want donuts, I’m not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker and go pay cash for donuts. I’ve done it, but I’m not gonna do it every time. God forbid I go to a store she has a coupon for. I’m out walking in the parking lot, just get a call, “Don’t buy anything. I have a coupon.” Like, “Do you think I’m gonna come home and get it?” “Is that what you think’s about to happen?” “I’m going to try to pay more, now that you called.” “I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” “You better hope they don’t ask me to round up. I’m rounding up.” I hate coupons so much, and she’s addicted to ’em. She will not let me… “I got a coupon.” Like, I just feel so stupid. I’m buying deodorant and I’m like, “I don’t have all the money, but I’m almost there, but I do have this coupon.” “One day, I hope to be able to pay full price.” “We are saving up as much as we can.” One of the best fights we got in… It’s not… I mean, the fight wasn’t good, just ridiculous fight. …was over the saying “one fell swoop.” Just over that saying. [helicopter whirring] My wife and I… Hold on, let me… This is the last one. I just hear one in the background. ‘Cause you hear it from a far distance, and then it’s like he’s going that way. Doesn’t it sound like he’s going the other way? Right? Y’all are like, “We don’t even hear it,” and I’m just up here, I mean… Just haunts me for the rest of my life. Every show, we’re back doing theaters, I’m like, “Is that…” “You guys hear a helicopter?” You’re like, “Inside the building?” I’m like, “Yeah, does everybody hear it?” “Everybody, get down, quiet down. Is that a helicopter in this…” All right. So we got in the fight over the phrase “one fell swoop.” Just over this saying. And if you’re a newlywed and you’re like, “That doesn’t make sense,” you’re right, it doesn’t. This is a double-digit married fight. This is when you’ve already done all the dish fighting or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting. This is when they’re trying to mentally break you. Uh… They got you almost how they want you, and this is the one that sends it over the edge. So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? [chuckles]     So… She wanted to visit her parents. She said, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” Now, I’ve never heard my wife say the phrase “one fell swoop.” We’ve been together 20 years, she’s never said it. It felt like someone that day told her, “Hey, you should start using ‘one fell swoop’ more.” She goes, “I’m about to call my husband.” It goes, “Perfect, use it 40 to 50 times on him.” She calls and goes, “I wanna visit my parents in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” She goes, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” “Let’s swoop it up, I’m down.” She kept saying it. “One fell swoop,” over and over again. And then when she went to describe this one fell swoop trip, she goes, “We’ll go to my mom’s, come home, then go to my dad’s.” And so I just, like, waited, and she didn’t say anything, and I just go, “That’s not what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” And instead of possibly just being wrong, she goes, “I know what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” I go, “Yeah? It doesn’t sound like you do, all right?” “We have the same last name.” “I can’t have you out there in a ‘one fell swoop’ conversation.” “What do you think ‘two birds, one stone’ means?” “Let’s go through them all. I dunno if you know any of these.” She hangs up on me. So I get home, and you know when you walk home and you’ve been in a fight, and you’re like, “All right, how long is this fight? Is it happening still?” “Is it over? I don’t know.” I got to feel it out, you know? She never uses words like “sorry.” I’d love to hear that. That’s a word she definitely doesn’t know what it means. I say it all the time. I walk around the house with a sack of sorrys, just handing them out all day. I tried to give her some. “Would you like to carry these?” She’s like, “I don’t have pockets, so I’m good.” We didn’t talk that whole night. We’re sitting there, our daughter… We’re watching TV, eating. And I’m like, “Hey, you know your mom’s crazy, right?” She’s like, “Did you do your homework? You don’t wanna be dumb like your dad.” And then our daughter’s just like, “Are y’all lunatics?” So I’m laying on the couch, and my wife just came over and she kisses me goodnight, and then she went to bed, and that was it. You know? I felt like it was her “sorry,” I guess, but she didn’t say it. So I laid there, just thinking about it. You think about it a lot ’cause you learn the longer you’re married, sometimes it’s like, let stuff go, you know? Who cares. The next morning I get up and I still want to talk about it, ’cause we didn’t talk all night, you know? So I went to her, I was like, “Look, I got to tell you, I mean, it’s just not what it means, you know?” And that, that got it going real good. Uh, but I felt so good about this argument, you know, I thought about it all night. I was like, “You got this one in the bag, man. You should bring it back up.” “I’m not trying to date her anymore I’d like to win a fight.” “We’re gonna die together.” I almost woke her up in her sleep, that’s how much I was so excited. I almost started shaking her going, “It’s not what it means.” Our marriage almost ended in one fell swoop, so… All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to this. Truly appreciate it. [audience cheers and applauds] ♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ Take it a la carte ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ All four seasons ♪
 ♪ Family ♪
 ♪ Well, bless your heart ♪ [Nic] You don’t know Tonya Harding? I don’t know Tonya. No. Everybody knows that reference, all sports fans. You don’t know who Tonya Harding is? [laughs] Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude! I swear! I can’t believe you don’t know this. I’m the biggest sports fan in your life. If I don’t know, I guarantee no one else watching this knows. You ask them, “Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,” you’re gonna have 80% of America, is gonna know. Eighty percent! You don’t have 80% of this bus that knows it! One finished first, one finished second? I mean, come on! I mean, come on! I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. You’re literally saying that, “This is the first time he’s hearing it,” and I’m like, “It is the first time!” I keep going… Hitting my head. [man] It was pretty great, yeah. “Come on! Come on!”"
1686241367-17,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Dave Chappelle: Deep in the Heart of Texas (2017) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/dave-chappelle-deep-heart-texas-2017-full-transcript/,"[Morgan Freeman] He’s in the trance. He isn’t thinking of jokes, though. He’s composing the voiceover I’m saying to you right now. Getting me to agree to this was beyond his wildest dreams. And he doesn’t want to waste the opportunity on the frivolous. You have reached the voicemail of comedic genius Dave Chappelle. Unfortunately, he can’t or won’t speak right now, so please leave a detailed message. [music playing] ♪ Play me ♪
 ♪ Buy me ♪
 ♪ Workinonit ♪
 ♪ Tune up ♪
 ♪ Tune ♪
 ♪ Oh ♪
 ♪ Fade me ♪
 ♪ Whoo! ♪ [music playing] ♪ Now, when I was a young boy ♪
 ♪ At the age of five ♪
 ♪ My mother said I was gonna be ♪
 ♪ The greatest man alive… ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ But now I’m a man ♪
 ♪ Way past 21 ♪
 ♪ I’m a man ♪
 ♪ I spell M ♪
 ♪ A, child ♪
 ♪ N ♪ Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. What’s going on? Good to see everybody out here tonight. Thank you. Hey, have a seat. Everybody be comfortable and relax. Oh, my gosh. Good to be back in Austin, Texas. It’s good to know that plaid is back in. [audience laughing] Most of the dudes I meet around these parts are dressed like a d*ke in New York, so I’m glad to see that. Man! F*cking Texas. This place is— It’s pretty good. [cheers and applause] Pretty damn good. I was in Santa Fe the other night, and a motherf*cker threw a banana peel at me. Yeah, that didn’t feel so good. Of course, it was a white person. Not to indict the whites. I’m just saying. Not to profile. And then, not only did he throw a banana peel at me, but… it was premeditated. You could tell. You could tell. The peel was too brown. You know what I mean? You didn’t eat that banana recently, motherf*cker. You had that shit waiting on me. And the whole crowd was white, so it just got instantly creepy, and everyone looked like they were looking at 12 Years a Slave. They were all just like… Who the f*ck does that? And then they arrested the guy, which was… [laughs] I said, “Someone’s gonna f*ck you in the butt in the holding cell. You know that, right? You can’t just be throwing banana peels at Dave Chappelle. They’re not gonna let you get away with this.” And the press called me up like, “Do you have a statement?” “A statement?! For a f*cking banana peel? No! I don’t have anything to say.” This guy was f*cking famous for throwing a banana peel at me. Twenty years from now, he’ll be tucking his kids into bed, and the kids will be like, “Daddy, tell me about the day you threw that banana peel at that n*gger in Santa Fe.” “Boy, I tell you what. That black motherf*cker had it coming. I saw his name up on the marquee about a week before. I said, ‘Man, if I could just get close enough to meet him… I’d throw a banana on that n*gger and show him how—'” F*cking Bananagate. I didn’t even like— I didn’t even want to press charges. This has happened to me before. No, seriously. Not a banana. I live in Ohio, right? So, this was a few winters ago. [cheers] Oh, I didn’t know you would ever clap for that. Well, all right. That’s the first time that shit’s ever happened. “Ohio?!” Anyway… I live amongst the whites. Small town in Ohio. And it was wintertime, and it had snowed recently, so there’s huge snowdrifts on the street. I was walking with my sister. Now, my sister was dressed in all Muslim garb, as were her children, and I was dressed as Dave Chappelle. And we were walking and just talking about something, and a car sped around the corner, and the window came down, and somebody threw a snowball and hit me right in my shoulder. [thud] I didn’t know what was going on. Why was this happening? Because I’m black? Because she’s Muslim? Because I’m Dave Chappelle? I couldn’t tell. But, again, I knew it was premeditated. Because who the f*ck has a snowball in a warm car? But he didn’t think it all the way through, lady. Because he went around the corner and got stopped at a red light. He was caught in the traffic. So, I ran out into the street, and I just tapped on his window. [thumping] “My man, could I just talk to you guys for a second? Come on out for one second. I just want to talk to you.” There’s four young white dudes in the car. They’re like, “Just chill, bro.” I said, “Relax. I just want to talk.” Now, this is an old black trick. Really, I didn’t want to talk. I was gonna f*ck ’em up. So, if you’re ever caught in traffic, and a black guy starts saying he just wants to talk to you, don’t open the door. Even if he’s me, smiling at you. And they were like, “Chill, bro. Just chill.” And the one guy in the back seat— I don’t know what, he was just cockier than his friends. He was like, “F*ck it, man! I’ll get out the car!” And I started yanking on his door. “Let me help you, motherf*cker. Let me just help you out.” And I didn’t notice his window was down. And he threw a snowball, that shit hit me right in my chest. Pow! He said, “F*ck you, you f*cking n*gger!” And then the light turned green and they sped off. And I smiled from ear to ear. I looked at my sister, and she said, “I got the plates.” And I was happy as shit because throwing a snowball at a motherf*cker is a misdemeanor assault. But if you call him a n*gger when you do it, that’s a felony hate crime. And me and my sister start dancing. “We’re gonna send this motherf*cker to jail!” I didn’t notice it, but while I was yelling at him, a crowd of all-white people had formed, ’cause it was an all-white town. And I was like, “Uh-oh.” I thought I was gonna get jumped. Then one of them white guys stepped up and was like, “I didn’t like that at all. This is not what this town represents. I don’t want this goddamn stuff in my vicinity.” And another white guy was like, “Yeah! I didn’t like it, either!” And then an old white guy stepped out of the crowd and said, “Young man, if you’re going to fill out a police report, I would like to come with you and do the same.” I said, “You guys would do that for me?” And the whole crowd said, “Hooray!” I said, “Come on, y’all!” I looked like Malcolm X going to see Brother Johnson with a trail of white people. Unreal. An hour later, we were all sitting in the police station, and the police came in. They were like, “Well, Mr. Chappelle… sixteen identical police reports. We ran the tags. Two young men that had their mother’s car. We have all four suspects in holding, and the mother is here. It’s up to you. Whatever you want to do. If you want to press charges, we’ll move forward. Mr. Chappelle, are you okay?” “Huh? Sorry about that, Officer. I’m a little flustered. I’ve never been in a position where I could decide the fate of white children before. But… it’s weighing heavy on me, sir. And I really can’t decide.” And I saw a lady pacing back and forth in the hallway, and I said, “Is that—” He goes, “Yes, that’s their mother.” “Can I speak to her before I make a decision?”  And when the mom came in and she saw it was me, she busted out crying. “Oh, God. Oh, no. I don’t want him to go to jail. I am so sorry. I didn’t raise him to do this. We love your comedy. We love you at the house.” I said, “Miss, please, just— All right, look. I don’t necessarily want your son to go to jail, either. But what he did was pretty f*cked up. So, is there something we can do, short of jail, just to let him know that he’s wrong?” She said, “I don’t know. What did you have in mind?” “Miss, I’ve never been in this position before. Oh, you know what we could do? I don’t know if I’m asking too much. But maybe if you— if you could just… suck my d*ck a little bit. Just a little bit. I’m not gonna finish. I just want you to do it enough so that I can tell him you did it.” I’m kidding. I’m kidding. I wouldn’t do that to anybody’s mother. Maybe my kid’s mom, but that’s it. Ebola was in Texas. Ebola made a visit. Killed that man in Dallas. Five days, that man melted to death. What happened to the brother in Dallas? “Where was the secret serum?” is what we all said. I remember in the beginning of Ebola, there were two American doctors that got sick in Africa. They flew them in a private jet straight to Atlanta, to the CDC. I didn’t even know CDC saw patients. There it was said they administered what The New York Times called “a secret serum.” I don’t know what’s in it. It’s just like Colonel Sanders’ recipe. But both of these motherf*ckers survived. These doctors, thank God, are healthy. They are out there somewhere tonight at Whole Foods, touching vegetables, walking around. Everything’s okay. “Hey, Frank. How are you?” “You didn’t hear? I had Ebola last week. But I’m doing all right now. I was bleeding out of my eyes and anus, so I got concerned, but I’m okay.” What happened to the brother in Dallas? They just rubbed some Vicks on that n*gga’s chest. “Good luck, little buddy.” I knew he wasn’t gonna make it. I remember. Sad. I saw in The New York Times— they said Ebola is the new AIDS. Whew! Isn’t that something? Here I am, thinking that old AIDS was working just fine, and they already have a new AIDS out. Isn’t that amazing how they do that? Isn’t it weird how there’s a disease that just starts in 1980, and it doesn’t kill anybody but n*gga s, f*gs and junkies? Isn’t that a f*cking amazing coincidence that this disease hates everybody that old, white people hate? I think either God is white, or the government hid that shit in disco balls. Only fun people get AIDS. Last month, on the front of The New York Times, the measles was the headline. I had to check the date of the paper. I was like, “Measles? Is this 1850? What the f*ck is this? Why is measles in the news?” It turns out they were trying to decide if mandatory vaccinations for children is the way we all want to go. Any thoughts? [cheers and applause]     You say yes? I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I just— I don’t know. I don’t know about this one. First of all, black people generally don’t trust doctors. After the Tuskegee experiments and all that shit. More importantly, don’t forget Michael Jackson was killed by a doctor. Granted, he was doing drugs. But if I was a heroin addict and I had a licensed physician injecting heroin in me, I should survive that. I’d just be like, “I’m good, right? I’m good? It’s not too much, is it?” Dr. Butterfingers killed Michael Jackson. After that, I was like, “F*ck going to the doctor.” Why the f*ck am I getting my kids vaccinated for an old-ass disease like measles? You might as well give them a diarrhea shot if you’re so worried. Diarrhea has a bigger body count than the measles do. You know, diarrhea is funny today, but… a hundred years ago, if your ass had diarrhea, you were a goner. There was a zero chance of surviving. You get that first squirt. Pfft! Uh-oh. “Better start getting my affairs in order. I don’t have much time. It’s diarrhea. It’s very serious.” You just watch your buddy slowly die in a pool of his own shit. Pfft! “Oh. Oh. I give up, diarrhea.” Pfffft! “You’re too strong.” Pfft! Nowadays, your buddy would be like, “You got diarrhea? Just eat a banana, n*gga. Drink some water. Let’s get to the club. We can still make last call.” Tough time for the blacks. These are not good times for the blacks. You know what I’m talking about, right? Police are killing us again. It’s a very unfortunate set of circumstances, because we were doing very well. You know, America has a racial hot seat. I think we can all agree that’s the truth. And we can also agree that that hot seat is traditionally occupied by African-Americans in general, African-American men in particular. Although, I can see that, in recent years, that seat has been occupied by Mexicans… and I daresay Arabs. And we, the black Americans, would like to thank you both for your sacrifice and your struggle. We needed a break. We needed a goddamn break. We all go through something, but at least I can leave my backpack someplace. If you’re Arab and forget a backpack, you got about 20 minutes before they send that robot to blow your shit up. You can kiss all that Engineering homework good-bye, Fouhad. Now ISIS is number one on the terrorist charts. And ISIS is f*cking scary. ‘Cause if ISIS catches you, they’re going to cut your head off. That’s what they do. I’ve seen them do it on YouTube. It was f*cking awful. He looked right into the camera and said, “Obama, I am back.” [swish] I saw that shit, I said, “Oh, my God. Don’t like.” How is this guy cutting people’s heads off on YouTube? I can’t even post a d*ck pic, and this motherf*cker is decapitating people. I’m gonna have to change my settings. You know, everyone has it hard. But I think, harder than black people and harder than Arabs and Mexicans, you know who has it the worst? Fat black people. It’s hard for white people to understand, but what I’m saying is very true. Fat black people have a really rough road, because all manner of things kill white people. But you know what kills more black people than anything, more than police and terrorism? Salt, n*gga. Regular-ass table salt. Here, white people are getting Ebola cures and shit, and meanwhile, I’m dying from f*cking flavoring. Look, honestly, I’ll stop talking about it. Let me say this, though. Let me just say this. Can we all just say that we’ve seen it coming? Were you surprised? It’s like when that guy threw that banana at me. Do you think I was surprised? Hell no. I’ve been in show business 30 years. I was expecting this banana. I knew one of these nights— I was like, “Somebody’s gonna throw a banana at me one of these nights.” ‘Cause that’s how it starts, with the name-calling. Like that Paula Deen. Remember Paula Deen got fired from the Food Network? If you know anything about show business, it is really hard to get fired from the f*cking Food Network. And they dropped that bitch like a hot potato. All because she called somebody an N-word 30 years before she had a show. I don’t know who she said it to, but whoever it was was just looking at her like, “I’m gonna get you for this, bitch.” That shit came back 30 years later like a Bill Cosby rape and sunk her battleship. And every black person was mad, but we weren’t that mad. It was more confusing than it was infuriating. I was just like, “Well, how is this bitch gonna call me a n*gger when she taught me how to fry chicken? That’s not fair.” I think Donald Sterling‘s shit was more serious. Remember Donald Sterling? He used to own the Clippers, and then he got caught on a secretly recorded tape saying some very unsavory things about African-Americans. And there’s a lesson in that for all of us. The lesson is if you are old and white and racist in this great country, whatever you do… don’t tell your black girlfriend about that shit. Because… that’s who made the tape. She recorded all that shit. And the tape was terrible. He was like, “Stop bringing black guys to my games.” At first, we were all confused. “How the f*ck are you gonna have a game without us?” But it turned out that the black guy he was speaking of was none other than Magic Johnson, the billionaire! Unbelievable. Never even mentioned the fact that he had AIDS, which is the first thing I would’ve said to my girlfriend. This guy must be really racist if AIDS is the footnote. “You gotta be careful, baby. He got the old Ebola.” [chuckles] You can say what you want about that girl, but I’m gonna tell you right now she is a goddamn hero. You might’ve thought these things were happening before, but now you can see it all in front of you without a shadow of a doubt. That shit actually went down. She sucked that old guy’s d*ck. She really took one for the team on that one. That’s really gross. His d*ck is, like, 80 years old. It’s like tasting history. Like, five wars on it, the Civil Rights Movement, the Great Depression. This guy’s been f*cking from 40 years before Bill Cosby‘s first rape. It’s a very old man. A very old penis. But all that shit is still just name-calling. Like, name-calling does not break the modern black man. That’s not gonna do the trick. I don’t give a f*ck about that. If I went to Kentucky Fried Chicken, and for some reason, everyone behind the counter had a Ku Klux Klan hood on top of their head, what do you think I’m gonna do in this day and age? Run out of Kentucky Fried Chicken? Not if I’m hungry. I’ll go straight to the front. “Hey, man. Let me get a two-piece.” I don’t give a f*ck what he says. “You want a biscuit with that, n*gger?” “I thought it came with a biscuit. What’s all this attitude? I want a two-piece. Chop, chop. You know what it is.” But I’m not gonna be mad. Why would I be mad? He’s the one that’s gotta work at Kentucky Fried Chicken, not me. How about this? What if I lived in Austin and I had a white girlfriend? It’s possible in Austin. As a matter of fact, some people say it’s necessary. But that’s not the point. And me and my white girlfriend are at home one night, and we’re just doing what lovers do. Maybe she’s butt-naked and she’s down on one knee, giving me a hand-job. I love a good hand-job. And she’s really jerking me off. You know, getting her obliques nice and tight. I got a huge d*ck, so she’s like… [grunting] And I’m like, “Wow, this really feels wonderful. I think I’m gonna come.” And then she looks up at me and goes, “Come in my face… n*gger.” I know, that’s a tough one. Well, what do you think I’m gonna do? “Hey!” That’s no time for integrity, ladies and gentlemen. I’m busting that nut in her face. I’ll sort through the ethics later. But I’m what they call a man of his word. If I say I’m coming, I’m coming. I don’t give a f*ck what happens. God forbid, somebody could shoot me. If I say I’m coming, there’s still that— [imitates gunshot] It doesn’t mean I like getting shot. Oh, boy. Yeah, a tough time for the blacks. I’m not gonna say nothing about the police. I’ll leave that for Chris Rock. The other big sports story was, f*cking, Ray Rice’s tape. Anyone see that Ray Rice tape? I can’t stop watching it. It’s f*cking awful. It’s the most violent thing I’ve seen happen to a woman that was shot in color. Really f*cking bad. If I could’ve froze time at that moment and gave Ray Rice some advice, I don’t think there’s any way possible I’d be like… “You should punch her in the face.” That’s a f*cking terrible idea. At the same time, I also believe she shouldn’t have rushed him. What the f*ck? You can’t beat him. Don’t rush a motherf*cker that’s trained to stiff-arm people in the clutch. He’s gonna get the upper hand. The only reason I bring him up is because he’s about to play football again. You didn’t know that? The NFL was told by a federal judge they had to reinstate Ray Rice because he was transparent with their investigation. He told them exactly what he did. And they can’t just change their ruling just because the tape came out. I get it. That’s like if I’m hanging out with my buddies, and I’m like, “Hey, guys, guess what I did last night? I f*cked this big, fat girl I met at the club.” And they’re all like, “Oh, shit, Dave. That’s crazy.” And then they see a tape of me doing it, and they’re like… “We can’t hang out with you anymore, Dave. That’s not what this crew is all about.” I’d be like, “What? I told y’all what I did.” What’s really f*cked up is the tape was made before they were married. Isn’t that weird? I don’t know why she’d do that. I don’t even know why he would do that. As a guy, would you want to live with a woman that you had once punched in the face with all your strength? That’s some very bold Color Purple-type shit. “Celie! Come out here and shave me!” Are you out of your f*cking mind? I had to ask an older friend of mine, just to get some perspective, this older black dude. Actually the fairest person I’ve ever met. And I asked him. I just said, “Hey, man, did you see that Ray Rice video?” And instantly, he was like, “David, that shit was disgusting.” And then a moment later, he goes… “I wonder what she said to him.” I don’t think that matters. I think the idea is you’re not supposed to punch her in the face. Because my wife says terrible shit to me. My wife once called me a pussy… in front of dinner guests. I know. I started to get mad, but then I was like, “F*ck it. She’s probably right.” I am a pussy. I admit it. I’m soft and warm and persuasive, like a real pussy. That’s right. Then I told her, “If you don’t take care of me properly, I might stink, like your pussy.” [crowd] Ohh! Oh, we fight dirty at the Chappelle household. It’s not a big deal. No, no. If you want to get to the bottom of a matter of the heart, what you’re supposed to do is ask a woman. Now, actually, there’s two women that I know— they’re both college professors in this little area I live in, and I meet them twice a week at Starbucks for coffee. We talk about important shit. And I asked the girls— we was in a coffee klatch. I said, “Yo, why do y’all think that this woman stayed with Ray Rice after he punched her in the face with all his strength?” And one of my girlfriends said, “David, you need to wake the f*ck up. She’s staying for the money.” Now, wait a minute, ’cause my other girlfriend was like, “I disagree. I think that she actually loves him.” And I said, “Wait a minute, ladies. You know what? I think that you’re both right.” And what I was doing when I said that was preserving the possibility of a threesome with these bitches. I’d been chipping away at this pussy one cup of coffee at a time for, like, four years. I wasn’t gonna throw that hard work away with some Ray Rice shit. I don’t care that much. I’m just being real. It’s f*cked up, man. It’s a tough time for the blacks. [man] I love you, Dave! I love you, too. And then here comes the banana peel. I’m waiting on it any second. You know that’s how it starts. I saw in the paper today that the guy that threw the banana at me got arrested again ’cause he threw a banana at another motherf*cker in a bar in Santa Fe. Look it up online after the show. He actually did that. And that guy was black, too. I’m just saying. And you know why the guy said he did it that night? He said, “I did it ’cause Dave Chappelle is racist.” So, n*gga? That’s not the best way to handle that if I am racist. What if Martin Luther King just went around throwing tuna casserole on white people? Would that work? [woman shouting] Huh?     Come on, Dave! Your girl’s bubbling. She’s drunk as hell, buddy. Listen, sir, I don’t know what she’s saying, but just take my advice. Get some water in her, or you’re gonna have some dry pussy when you get home. His d*ck’s gonna be chafed the f*ck up tomorrow. Santa Maria. Who got a cigarette in here? Anyone got a cigarette I can borrow? Yeah. You, fella. Yeah, please. [crowd] Ohh! Let me see. This is a Marlboro menthol. This could’ve been anybody. If it was a Newport, I’d be like, “A black dude threw that up.” But a Marlboro menthol, that’s one of them riddles. Oh. [crowd cheering] Is the word “pussy” offensive? [crowd] No! All right, just checking, just checking. I asked that crowd when we was in Denver, “Is the word ‘pussy’ offensive?” And the whole crowd said no, except for two people. One was a woman in the front, older than me, maybe around my age. Definitely a feminist. You know what I mean. Short haircut, plaid shirt. You know what I’m saying. And she didn’t say it offended her. What she said is, she said, “I am uncomfortable with that word.” And I was like, “Really? You?” And before I could ask her why, there was one guy in the balcony— I don’t think he was saying this to me, but he said this. Everybody heard him say it. He goes, “It’s delicious.” I was like, “What?” I don’t think I’ve ever heard pussy called delicious before in my life. Now, this is not to say that it’s bad. But it’s definitely an acquired taste. I don’t think any of us tasted pussy our first time like… [smacking lips] “Mmm! It’s good!” It needs something. You know, it’s illegal for a gynecologist to say the word “pussy.” They can only say “vagina,” or they can name individual parts medically, but they can never say shorthand, even if the gynecologist is a woman. I feel like if it was a woman gynecologist, it’s cool. Like, “Am I all right?” She’s like, “Girl, that pussy is…” [clicks tongue] She’d be like, “Yeah.” I don’t think men should be allowed to be gynecologists. That shit is a conflict of interest. Even when my wife was pregnant, we used to go to a gynecologist… [chuckles] and he’d put her legs up in that stirrup like this. He’d be like, “All right, Mrs. Chappelle, just try to relax.” I’d push him. “Back up, motherf*cker! I got this. Just tell me what to look for.” One of those homestyle checkups. There’s too many ethical questions when men do that. Like, can a gynecologist lose their license… for smelling their fingers during an exam? Is that illegal? How could they not? These are men. It’s like if you have a good barbeque, you don’t even think about it. You just… The word “pussy” is only offensive if you’re older. People my age and younger, I don’t think we even— We dance to that shit. That song comes on the radio— ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s on the radio. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ That’s a pretty harsh song. It’s nothing like a love song. There’s no tracks of his tears, no midnight trains to Georgia. This man simply beats the pussy up. Unbelievable. You don’t even know if he’s having sex with these women. They might just pull their pants down. He’d be like, pow! “G-Unit!” You’ll be watching HBO. “Hi, I’m Larry Merchant, standing here ringside with the pussy after a devastating bout with 50 Cent. Pussy, come over here and let me talk to you for a second. My God, you look terrible. Your lips seem to be swollen. You’re bleeding a little bit. Tell me, pussy, what happened inside of that ring with 50?” [panting] “I don’t know, Larry. I felt really good in the first round. I was ready to fight. I was warm and moist, and… I don’t know. He just hit me from angles I wasn’t expecting. Front, left. The backside surprised me the most.” “Well, pussy, let’s take a look at round four. This is where it all went wrong for you. Here you come out of your corner, pussy. You’re fighting really good. It looks like you got 50 with a right and a left, but then 50 slips you a jab. And there. There. Right there. You see that? He punches you right on that— that little bean thing you have on the top of your head. I don’t know what that is. There’s 50 just pounding away at that bean, over and over. Now, pussy, tell me, what goes through a fighter’s mind when their bean gets rattled around like that?” “I don’t think I was thinking anything, Larry. I’m a real good defensive fighter. It’s real hard to get to me. I’ve never been punched directly on my bean before. As a matter of fact, most fighters don’t even know that bean exists. I guess he just hit me, then I lost control of my legs. I don’t know what else to tell you.” I like when Lil Wayne talks about pussy, because he’s— Remember Lil Wayne used to have that song? He say, “♪ I got a bitch that plays movies In my Jacuzzi” ♪ Then he goes like this: “♪ Pussy juicy ♪” That shit— That shit always makes me laugh. No guy says that. Only Lil Wayne says some shit like that. If you was f*cking a girl, and she’s like, “Is this pussy good?” And you’re like, “Yeah, it’s juicy. It’s good.” The pussy was juicy. That’s why I’m not Lil Wayne. ‘Cause if I was in a hot tub with a girl, and I could tell that the pussy was juicy while I was in the hot tub, I’d probably get out of the tub. I’m a germophobe. I just picture Lil Wayne like… “What is this strange oil… floating in my hot tub water? It’s pussy juice.” That shit was so funny to me, I must’ve wrote, like, no less than 40 jokes with the punch line “pussy juice,” and all of them worked to some degree 100% of the time. I’ll do one more just so you believe me. Okay. All right. In this next piece, it’s a special episode of CSI. For some reason, Lil Wayne’s guest starring as the lead detective. Okay? That’s the setup. Are you ready? Here it goes. “Has anyone else been on this crime scene?” “No.” “It’s very strange. This place is virtually undisturbed. No forced entry. No sign of a struggle. Shine your flashlight right here. I just slipped in something. What is this? What is this? It glistens in the light. Smooth to the touch. This is pussy juice. She must’ve been sitting Indian style.” Thirty-nine more where that came from. Everybody’s mad about something. Recently, I got attacked online by some gay bloggers, and it hurt my feelings. I have no problem with gay people, but I f*cking hate bloggers. I’m not saying it ’cause this person was gay. They was just acting like a bitch online. They was mischaracterizing my jokes, trying to make a point off of me, when it was really like— “Yo, I’m your ally, motherf*cker. I’m not trying to stop gay people. I got better shit to do.” This motherf*cker was saying things, trying to get gay people to beat me up. Seriously, he was like… [effeminate voice] “Dave Chappelle’s jokes—” I don’t know how he actually talks. I’m just making his voice up. “Dave Chappelle’s jokes were an affront to the manhood of all gay men.” What the f*ck does that mean? I didn’t say anything that would allude to gay men not being men. I know you’re men. In fact, what could be manlier than f*cking another guy in the ass? It’s the most gangster shit I’ve ever heard of in my life. I told you, I’m not cut out for that. I’m a pussy. You know what I said? This is all I said. First of all, I’ll tell you right now what I said, and I’ll tell you this was not a joke. It’s a true story, and I just happened to tell it. What happened was, I went to a gallery party, all right? I don’t know who in here has ever been rich before, but these are very nice parties. You know, wine and cheese and baller conversation. And there was a few eccentric types, one of which was a very wealthy man that happened to be wearing a dress. I don’t know what you call him. A tranny, or a drag queen, perhaps. Whatever he was, he was definitely a man. And this man was definitely on drugs. I don’t know what kind of drugs he was on, but I knew he had too much. He didn’t look good. He was like this. [moans] He looked sick, and all his friends were standing around him, concerned, trying to revive him. I don’t know what, it looked like some kind of gay CPR. There was fanning and shit. They was like— I saw all this from a distance. Now, I should’ve minded my own business, but I got curious. I was like… And I went over there. All I said, “Excuse me, gentlemen. Is he okay?” Then they looked at me like I was evil. “She is fine.” I said, “Word? Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know this is what we were doing.” Here’s my thing. I support anybody’s right to be whoever they feel like they are inside. I’m your ally in that. However… my question is… to what degree do I have to participate in your self-image? Is it fair that I have to change my whole pronoun game up for this motherf*cker? That doesn’t make sense. Seriously. If I put on an argyle sweater, and I’m like, “Hey, everybody, I feel like a white guy in this sweater, and I want some goddamn respect and a bank loan,” that’s not gonna work. You don’t give a f*ck how I feel. Why should I give a f*ck how you feel? “N*gger” is a pronoun. But there was no time for philosophical debate. This was an emergency situation. I said, “Fine. I’m sorry, guys. I was just worried because— because she looks terrible. And she just fell off the bench. It appears that her d*ck is popping out of her dress. You mind if I call an ambulance, champ? I’d rather not be at a party where a tranny OD’s. There’s too many questions to answer.” Okay, I’ve been through this before. I had a friend from high school. Now, in high school, this guy was a thug. He was a f*cking dope boy. He did it all. He was a wild dude. People used to be very scared of him. And then after high school, word on the street was he had come out the closet. I personally didn’t believe it. I bring him up because last year, he calls me out of the blue, like, “Yo, what’s up, man? I got your number from so-and-so. I heard you’re gonna be in New York doing a show. Could I get some tickets?” I was like, “F*ck yeah, you can get some tickets. How you been?” He said, “We’ll catch up at the show, but I appreciate it. I’ll see you soon.” I said, “All right, man. Take care.” I was about to hang up, but I couldn’t resist. I was just like, “Hey, n*gga, I heard you was gay. What’s going on with that?” And I wish I didn’t ask. ‘Cause he sounded like he was dying to talk about that shit, and he had a long story about it. It’s not that I didn’t care, but I was— I don’t like talking on the phone. I was watching TV at the same time. So, I just wasn’t really paying attention like I should. I was trying to sound supportive, but I didn’t really know what to say. So, I just mumbled and shit throughout this conversation. I was like, “Well, you know, n*gga, you’re gay, man. You’re just gay. Come on, man.” This went on for a while. Then finally, I had to say something definitive to get him off the phone. And I was like, “Hey, you know what? Don’t let people get you down, all right? And the next time someone tries to make you feel bad about yourself, just remember: Everybody f*cks funny to somebody.” He didn’t like that shit. He said, “What the f*ck does that mean?” I said, “Huh?” He said, “You saying I f*ck funny, motherf*cker?” I said, “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying everybody’s different.” He said, “You didn’t say ‘different.’ You said ‘funny.’ What’s so f*cking funny about the way I f*ck?” And I said, “Hey, man, I f*ck feet.” He said, “What?!” Oh, this is not a joke, ladies and gentlemen. I get women to squeeze their feet together like this, and I f*ck them right in that little space in their feet. But you can’t build a community behind that shit. There’s no flag for us. That shit made him laugh. The next day, after the show, I saw him backstage. He was like, “What’s up, man? I’m like, “Oh, shit! What’s going on?” He had his buddy with him. He goes, “Dave, I want you to meet Manuel. Manuel’s my fiancé. We’re in New York getting married ’cause it’s legal here.” I said, “Oh. Well, congratulations, fellas.” And Manuel was like, “Gracias.” And he went to go get some drinks, and then my buddy looked at me. He was like, “So, Dave… what do you think?” And I started mumbling again. “Well, you’re gay, n*gga. You know, you’re just gay.” He said, “I’m a little nervous about getting married, man. It’s a big step.” I said, “Yeah, it is. It’s a big step.” He said, “You’ve been married for a while. You got any advice for us?” “No, I’m married to a woman. Sorry about that.” And he corrected me. He said, “No. You married the person that you love, so it’s essentially the same.” I said, “You know, man, the problem with that statement is that it makes the assumption that I love her. But—” Will you guys lighten the f*ck up? Of course I love my wife. She laughs at this shit. As a matter of fact, she eats and spends this shit. No, I told him, I said, “You know what you should do, man? First of all, you shouldn’t do it.” I’m talking about being legally married. It’s not that you’re gay as much as just legal marriage is a f*cking diabolical leverage game in the United States. I’m just being honest. Devoid of religious significance or the idea of love, marriage is nothing but an awful contract that you shouldn’t sign. I’m just being real. Because you start out loving each other. Then two years later, you’re just building a case against one another… for a hypothetical court date that may or may not ever happen. You throw being gay on top of that, that shit is explosive. It’s that Ray Rice shit. Right after Ray Rice went through all that shit, I was at a party and I met this kid Michael Sam. You know Michael Sam? Very nice guy. He’s the first openly gay NFL player. And Michael’s a very nice guy, a very brave guy, but when I met him, I couldn’t help but think, “What’s gonna happen when Michael Sam beats his wife up in the elevator? Is that domestic violence, or is that just two n*gga s working shit out in an elevator?” You know what I mean? Anyway… I give all married men the same advice, gay or straight. Get a dog. Because a dog will love you all the time, but she’s not going to. It was real talk. I didn’t even know about dogs, and my kids got the dog. They brought him home from the shelter. I didn’t even want him. They were like, “Can we keep him?” I said, “Nope.” I said, “Where did you get this dog?” They’re like, “From the shelter.” I was like, “Ugh. Probably something wrong with him. Can’t keep him.” And then my kids started crying and screaming like the dog had gambling debts. “Please, Dad! If you don’t let us keep him, they’re gonna kill him!” I was like, “Oh— All right, you can keep him.”     And this dog was a menace. I hated his guts. One night, I’d smoked a bunch of weed, and I was eating a sandwich, and Baba came over— Baba is the dog. He came over and was staring at me. This will make you very uncomfortable, if he’s just looking at you eating. I had to give him a piece of my sandwich so he’d go away, and that’s how we became friends. Now, if you see me walking down the street with Baba, I ain’t got no leash or nothing. He walks right next to me. If I stop, he’ll stop. And if I go, he’ll go. And all my friends are like, “Yo, Dave, that shit is dope. How’d you train Baba to do that shit?” “I’ve never trained Baba. I’m just a messy eater.” If I drop food and Baba’s not around, all I gotta do is call him. “Baba!” He’s a black dude’s dog, so he doesn’t come right away. He peeks first to see what’s going on. I gotta tap my foot so he can see the food. “Over here, little buddy.” He’s like, “Thanks, Dave,” and he’ll come get it and run off. But he knows all my habits. If he smells weed in the house, he’ll be like… [sniffing] “Oh, this motherf*cker’s about to eat.” And he’ll just come running. Baba got me through a very difficult time in my marriage. We spend the most time together. It’s not that me and my wife don’t spend time together, but we’ve been married so long, we don’t talk like— I don’t know if anyone’s married here, but after ten years, all that chatty shit goes away. You’ve said it all. You know what I mean. Yeah. We’re just in the zone. She says the same shit to me every night before she goes to bed. I’ll be the last one up. She’s like, “I’m gonna get some sleep, Dave. Good night.” “All right, babe. I’m gonna stay up and watch television. Good night.” Then she’ll walk halfway up the steps. “David?” “Hmm?” “Don’t eat the kids’ lunch.” And then she walks away. Well, the crazy shit is, I don’t even eat their lunch anymore. Back in the day, I used to eat that shit. You know how that goes. Now I might smoke some weed in the middle of the night, and she’ll leave neatly-wrapped sandwiches all over the kitchen. I’m gonna eat it. What’s the big deal? Why can’t she just make another one in the morning? I mean, I got sons anyway. And sons love everything their dads do. My kids will be at school the next day like, “Oh, Dad bit my sandwich. Oh, shit!” Their dad is Dave Chappelle, man. You could trade that sandwich for something better. What I’m doing is adding value to their lunch. But she doesn’t understand these types of things. Anyway, she gets mad at me. She’s mad at me now ’cause I got myself in trouble. I got myself extorted, which happens in this business. I come home from the road. There was a FedEx sitting on the kitchen table, and it was addressed to me, so I opened it. I don’t know who delivered it. And there was a videocassette inside with a note written on it that said, “Gotcha.” Oh, my God. Can you imagine? I freaked out. I tore the whole house apart, trying to find a VCR. I hadn’t seen a tape in over a decade. And I watched the tape, and it was awful. They got me. It was a tape of me— I was f*cking a girl, okay? But it was from before I was married. But it was not a good look. And I felt sick to my stomach, and I looked up at the clock, and then I saw my wife was coming home in ten minutes, and I just panicked. I jerked off to the tape real fast, and then— and then I called the FBI. Who, by the way, made me feel much better. They didn’t say they were gonna catch ’em for sure, but they had the demeanor of some confident people that would catch ’em. So, I didn’t worry about it too much. And then, not even a week later, five days later, I come home, and there’s another videocassette sitting on my porch. As soon as I saw it, I just called the police. “They’ve done it again. You should probably look for a guy with bell-bottoms on, because I don’t know who the f*ck is sending tapes!” And that second tape was the worst shit I’d ever seen in my life. It was awful. Career-ending bad. It was a tape of me… jerking off to the tape a week earlier. I don’t even know how they’d even get such a thing. I had to explain all of this to my wife. She was very mad. No thing in this world is as cold as a woman’s cold shoulder, ’cause she was mad, but she wouldn’t talk to me about it. She would just punish me in little ways, make me do shit that I hate to do. Like pick the kids up from school. That’s one thing she made me do. That’s a hardship for me. I got one son that goes to a public school. And… his little brother goes to a private school. It’s an experiment. I just want to see what’s gonna happen to them. But what’s weird is, my little son in private school, he’s, like, my thuggy son, you know what I mean? I don’t know where he gets that from. He’s not getting it from me. And he’s definitely not getting it from that school. That school is very— It’s a liberal school. It’s the kind of school— there might be, like, 12 black students in the entire school, and I’m the only black parent. And none of the parents like me, either. Not ’cause I’m black, but they don’t like how I roll. I’ll be showing up late all the time, and I’m, like, in a Porsche, and I’m blasting music that they don’t like. ♪ I beat the pussy up ♪ Then I pull into the parking lot. I might be smoking a cigarette with the kids in the car. Then I pull into that handicapped space. And when I get out of the handicapped space, they always want to say some passive-aggressive shit. “Morning, Dave. Don’t know if you noticed, but you actually parked in the handicapped space.” “Yeah, you know, Frank, I did notice. But who is this handicapped guy we’re all waiting on that never shows up?” So, I hate going over to that school. The only parents that are nice to me is a lesbian couple— Kate and Sarah. Actually, Kate hates my guts. Sarah knows that I’m black, and she’s half-black, so she just understands me. You know what I’m saying? I can’t explain it. Because I’ll say shit, and Kate’s just too serious about being a lesbian. I’ll be like, “Hey, Kate. Hey, Sarah. You guys going to the father-son picnic next week? How’s that gonna work?” And Kate will instantly be furious. But Sarah knows I’m f*cking around, so she’ll just say something cool. “I don’t know, Dave. Maybe me and Kate will flip for that shit.” I said, “Bitch, you better save that coin toss, because everybody knows you’re strapping on in that household.” And then Kate will turn bright red, but Sarah just fist-bumps me, like, “You’re right, n*gga. It’s me. Bop.” We’re good friends. We’re good friends. They invite me to stuff. They’re my only friends at the school. So, imagine my surprise when I go to pick my son up after all this happens. And the teacher is waiting outside for me. She’s just standing right there in the middle of the handicapped space. I knew something was wrong, so I rolled the window down. “What’s going on?” “Hi, David. Can we talk to you for a minute in the office?” I said, “No, f*ck that. We gotta talk right here. What’s going on?” I knew it was bad. “Ibrahim had a fight.” I said, “A fight?” “Don’t worry. Everyone’s okay.” I said, “Everyone? What happened?” “Well, that’s it. We don’t know what happened because he won’t talk to anybody. All we know is that he punched Sarah Jr. in the face.” I said, “Oh, no!” Sarah’s one of the only parents I’m not sure I can beat up in this school. Just then, Kate and Sarah pulled up to pick up their daughter, and then we all had to go into the office, and I was really worried ’cause I didn’t want them to kick me out of the school. And then they brought my son in. He was crying. They brought him in like a prisoner. He was like, “Ohh! Oh!” I said, “Son, stop crying, calm down. Do not look at these mean faces. I need you to look at my face, and I need you to tell me the truth, buddy, all right? Just tell me the truth. Is it true? Did you punch that girl Sarah Jr. in the face?” I was trying to give him a signal to lie, but he didn’t pick up on it. I was like… He wasn’t paying attention. He’s like, “Yes, Daddy, I punched her face.” “Oh, my God. Why? Why would you do that? You’re not supposed to put your hands on anybody.” And his answer was so gangster, it scared all the parents in the room. He was like… [whimpering] “‘Cause she had it coming.” I said… And everyone looked at me. I said, “I did not teach him. I don’t know where he got that from.” I said, “What does that mean, son? That is crazy talk! What does that mean?” And then he just started crying like he was Tupac. [crying] “These kids keep f*cking with me!” I told his teacher, I said, “Well, now, wait a minute. This kid is a lot of things, but he’s not a liar. And if he said they was f*cking with him, they did something to him. Son, what’s going on? What did they do to you?” “Dad, I’m tired of this shit. It’s been going on all week.” I said, “What’s going on all week?” He said, “We was at lunch, and that bitch bit my sandwich.” I said, “Oh.” He said, “It’s the fourth time this week. I’m tired of this sandwich-biting bitch.” I said, “Stop using that word. Let’s go home.” That’s a quiet car ride home. We got to the house, he just ran right up to his room, slammed the door. His mother came downstairs. By then, she’d heard about everything. She was looking at me, like, “Oh, my God.” I said, “I know. It’s f*cked up.” She said, “You bit that goddamn sandwich, didn’t you, Dave?” I said, “I’m tired of you accusing me of shit!” And I just ran out of the house. Jumped in my car and drove off. Of course I bit that sandwich. But I knew that she was just really mad about that tape, so now she was gonna punish me about a f*cking sandwich that I’d bit. I was mad as f*ck. You know what I said to myself? I said, “I should just never go home. F*ck this shit.” By the way, that’s how people used to get divorced in the ’40s. There wasn’t no divorce court in America. Back in those days, if you wanted to get out your marriage, you’d just tell your wife, “Hey, baby, I’m gonna get a pack of cigarettes. I’ll be right back.” You would just leave with the clothes on your back. That’s when men were men. And there was no Internet back then, so you could move 11 miles away and have a whole new life. But I ended up going back home… late at night, and came in the room, and she was actually changing for bed. You can always tell your wife is mad at you when they cover their titties up when you walk in. “Oh!” “Let those titties out. It’s me, baby. Can we just talk about this for a minute?” She said, “David, there’s nothing to talk about. I already know you bit the sandwich. And don’t go looking for their lunch. I hid it.” I said, “I don’t want to talk about the sandwich. I want to talk about it. The tape. I know that’s why you’re mad.” It was a very difficult conversation. I had to crack a few jokes. And she laughed a little, and it helped her relax, and we started talking, and then she cracked a few jokes… that hurt my feelings, honestly. But— But we talked. And you know what she told me? She told me that she was madder about the second extortion tape than she was about the first one. Which doesn’t make sense at all. What’s wrong with a guy touching his own private parts? It’s my own business. It’s not like I do it all the time. As a matter of fact, sometimes I do it for her benefit. A lot of guys do this. It’s called the mercy jerk. That’s the one that happens in the middle of the night when you’re about to roll on top of her and you see her face, and you’re like, “She looks tired.” That takes a lot of love and discipline to back out of a room with a rock-hard d*ck. Sometimes I don’t make it. “Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Someone fell asleep with their socks off, didn’t they?” You can’t rape feet. You can’t rape feet. The only time I jerk off now is if I know how long she’ll be gone. That’s the only way I can get my head in the game. Sometimes she’ll tell me, “Dave, I’m gonna take the kids to my mom’s real quick. I’ll probably be back in a couple of hours.” “A couple hours?” You can get a good one in in two hours. That’s the kind of session where you’ll take all your clothes off. I’ll be butt-naked in the living room like, “Get these f*cking toys out of my way!” Disgusting. Foot on the coffee table, just stroking it out, taking my time. And I got a bowl of cereal waiting for me right here. That’s when you have that privacy. You can have a loud orgasm. I miss those. [screaming] You know, when a guy busts a nut, right after that, there’s a window of six minutes where he does the most rational thinking he ever does. That’s when he’s always horrified. [grunting and panting] “My God, what have I done? Oh, my God, it’s everywhere. [screaming] Baba!” Thank you very much, Austin, Texas. I had a wonderful time. Be well, be happy. Good night, everybody. Thank you. [announcer] Give it up one more time for Dave Chappelle! [music playing] ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Revolution ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ In every ghetto ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah ♪ ♪ Ah-ah ♪ [man] I’m rich, biatch! [horn honks]"
1686242850-388,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) | Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jerrod-carmichael-rothaniel-transcript/,"Man… We were waiting for you. I’m happy you’re here. I’m happy all of you are here. I have so much to tell you. You’re comfortable? You can talk back to me. I want you guys to feel that. This only works if we feel like family. I know the camera’s here and it’s a whole thing. It’s a big night, it’s a lot of pressure. That kinda thing, you know? I want you guys to feel as comfortable as I hope to be. We got a lot of shit to talk about. I’m happy you’re here. I need you. I wanna talk about secrets! Secrets! I should whisper it, right? I carried a lot of secrets my whole life. I feel like I was birthed into them. One of my biggest, one of my last held secrets is my name. My name is not Jerrod. Welcome to the show, everybody. I thought we were being honest tonight. Jerrod’s my middle name. I was given the name Jerrod by my brother, Joe. He’s, like, seven years older than me. They just trusted a kid to name a kid, but whatever. I’m thankful for that. Without him I’d have to go by my real name, my first name, which we don’t talk about. It is not good. I don’t like it. I’ve always hated that name, no one calls me that except for my mom. My dad named me… He combined his dad’s first name and my mom’s dad’s first name and mushed them together. Not to make something elegant, like William Edward or something like that. It’s more like Toyotathon. I hate that name. I’ve hidden that name my whole life. I used to get it removed from the yearbook. Every year in high school I would bribe somebody. It’d cost me 20 dollars to get my first name taken out of it. I never let people see my driver’s license. I had it taken off my bank cards. I’ve always been ashamed of it. I’ve always hidden it. And it’s funny because it’s a name given to me to honor two people. It’s supposed to be this gift to both my granddads. And it almost seemed kind of fucked up that I hide that, that I like tuck it away, but that’s because you don’t know my grandfathers. If you knew them, you’d know keeping a secret is the only way to honor them. That’s kind of who they were. They were granddads. I’m named after two men who most of their lives, most of their sex lives at least were secrets. My mom’s dad had four kids with my mom’s mom, his wife, and four kids outside of that marriage, just kind of scattered about. My dad’s dad had five kids with his wife and about 23 outside of the marriage. Yeah. I come from a long line of cool n*ggers. 23. Dillon, South Carolina. Jim Gowens is his name. We don’t have the same last name because my dad was an outside kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There’s no easy way to say your grandma was a side piece. I wanna say it was something else. They’d prefer I used terms like “affair” and whatever, but nah, that’s not what it was. She was fuckin’ a married n*gger and that’s just… So my grandma had three kids by a married man, my uncle Pete, my dad, my aunt Nell, and his wife found out and confronted my grandma about it. I like to think it was on some “Color Purple” shit, like she crossed the field or whatever. But she confronted my grandma and demanded that she stop sleeping with her man, and my grandma fucked him again and had my Aunt Cat. I think she’s where I get my ambition from. My aunt Cat is proud of that, by the way. She’ll tell everybody her origin story. She’s like: “Don’t nobody tell me who to sleep with.” “And then she fucked him again and had me out of spite.” “That’s me, I’m the spite baby.” She loves that shit. But we don’t really talk about it. We don’t really talk about it. My dad doesn’t really know his dad, but he still felt enough pride to name me after him. My mom’s dad was also like a cheater, but she lived in the house that he was cheating from. And so when you’re that family, you learn not to say shit. My mom, I guess, learned from her mom. I’m trying to paint a picture of a world before Destiny’s Child, where women got cheated on and it didn’t play out like a Terry McMillan novel. It was much more quiet than that. They just kind of existed with the secret. They knew, but they didn’t know. It’s weird, it’s like generations of that, generations of just seeing things, not seeing things. I saw my parents’ sex tape. This is kind of a side tangent. I was about twelve years old. I came home from school early. I would watch my dad… If you got a dad or an older brother, they might’ve had a porn stash. This was the ’90s. My dad kept his tapes in a Nike box in the bedroom closet on the top shelf, beside a gun and a jar of nickels. And I remember putting this tape in, and it was about 15 seconds before I started recognizing the bedroom. I know those sheets, they got lemons on them. But that’s the thing, I never told my family. I never told my parents that I’d seen that. It’s odd because it’s one of those things… You can’t talk about sex with your parents, not that anybody really wants to, but you just can’t. And you’re only here because your parents fucked, isn’t that kinda funny? Your dad came in your mom and you’re here. Have you ever been watching a movie with your parents and a sex scene came on and you just gotta be, like, “nope, no it’s not”. Things that exist, but don’t exist. It’s things that are right there, hiding in plain sight. My father had me and my brother with my mom, and then he had four kids with a bitch named Raneta. It’s not that I hate her name. It’s just that it sounds like a villain in a Tyler Perry movie. And other kids, he had other kids. My dad was, he was really out there, man. He was really, really out there. And I knew about it since I was a kid. It was a small town, and it’s a secret that he thought he was keeping from the family. He thought he was doing a good job keeping the secret. But I found out. I never told him that I knew. My brother found out. He didn’t tell him. It’s funny to live in a house with someone knowing who they are, knowing that they’re cheating on your mom and not saying anything to him. He used to go out on Friday nights, he would say he was going to work. My dad is a truck driver, which by the way, if you’re cheating on your wife and you’re looking for a profession that allows just long blackout dates, get your CDLs and hit the road. I really recommend it. He would say he was going to a second job on Friday nights, but he would get dressed up, and I mean dressed up by North Carolina dad standards. He tucked his t-shirt into his jeans. He would say he was going to work with cologne on. Do you understand what I’m saying? It’s just, like, a liar. And it would just leave me as a kid knowing that… It’s weird to know it, to know, to really, really know, and not say anything. I was scared. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I could’ve done. I don’t know if I would’ve said anything if I had the courage, because I only saw this secret as something that could’ve torn our family apart. If my mom found out, I thought it would be over. He was fucking my homeboy TJ’s aunt. This was this story TJ told me about, and that’s hard because TJ, he didn’t want to snitch. In the hood… I didn’t wanna snitch!     He told me, he was like: “Man, I came home from school the other day” “and I went to my aunt’s house” “and your pop was just there on the couch.” What? He’s like: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was just on the couch.” He saw my dad sitting on the couch. He walks in, he’s excited to see my dad. He knows my dad very well, they used to play Madden together. He knows him. He’s like: “Mr. Carmichael, what are you doing here?” And my dad, being caught, under pressure, you know what he did? He just squinted his eyes and pretended he was somebody else. I don’t know how that was supposed to work. He literally was just like: “Mr. Carmichael? I don’t know who you’re talking about.” He just grabbed his shit and got the fuck outta there. My father. And TJ was there with his aunt and he said: “Do you know who that was?” “That’s my best friend’s dad. That’s Joe Carmichael.” And she said: “Joe Carmichael?” “He told me his name was Jerry Rice.” That’s right, that’s right. My father was telling bitches his name was Hall of Fame wide receiver Jerry Rice. Do you know how absurd that is? And I got so many questions, things he won’t talk about. Did you say it? Did you act surprised? “Did you go: What? There’s another Jerry Rice?” Was it all part of the game? Did he go: “Yeah, my name is Jerry Rice. I know. I get it all the time.” How did he react? He was a wild man, he was really out there, really, really out there, just holding it in, just holding it all in. He had a double or triple bypass surgery, I guess that’s where it went. It’s fine. I’m paying for his health insurance. Don’t groan for the man. I’m keeping him alive right now. I made him tell my mom. It became too much. It’s a secret that I think I was happy keeping as a child because I thought it made sense for the family, but then it was embarrassing, first of all. Because people knew. It seems like everyone knew, but my mom, and that’s really tough because my mom is a very sweet, loving, trusting, Christian, God-fearing woman, who was just standing by her man, trusting her husband. And my dad was just, you know, he was really out there. I got really drunk in London and I was like: “It’s time.” “I’m gonna confront him about it.” And it’s hard. This was hard because this is a tough man. Again, he kept a sawed-off shotgun in the closet by the porn, and it’s not easy. It’s not easy. I was really afraid, but I remember starting the call saying: “Listen, this will all go well as long as you don’t lie to me.” And I was just almost in tears and just so emotional. “I know about everything, man. I know about Renita,” “and the kids, and the blah blah blah,.” You know what he said? He actually said: “I always knew you’d be the one.” That’s what he said. He knew. So I made him tell my mom. He waited until I was back home in North Carolina to tell her, fucking pussy. I know, that’s a pussy thing to do, right? He waited. He needed the support. He waited until I was home. And this was his big plan to tell my mom. He was like: “Okay, so you and your brother, you take her out to dinner.” “I’m gonna stay home. And then you bring her back from dinner.” “You drop her off, she’ll come in the house, and then I’m gonna tell her.” And I was like: “Okay, you want me to hide a gun behind the toilet, too?” “What kinda Godfather plan is this?” But I went along with it. It took a lot for him. That dinner was the worst dinner I’ve ever had in my entire life. I took my mom to a hibachi restaurant. Earlier that day, I had taken my nieces to see the “Trolls” movie. I love going to the movies with my nieces. It’s the best. They’re not my kids so I can just get high and do fun shit with them, it’s the best. And we’d seen the “Trolls” movie, and I don’t know if you’ve seen it, spoiler alert. The premise is that these are these colorful trolls that are singing and all types of shit, and if something devastating happens to them, they lose all of their color. I remember thinking that the whole dinner, that whole night is just looking at my mom, just looking in her eyes going: “She’s going to lose her color.” It was really, really scary. Mind you, all of this happened at a hibachi grill, so I’m looking in her eyes, but there’s a flame and we gotta clap every couple minutes. He’s juggling salt and pepper shakers. “Yay, okay. My mom is about to be fucking destroyed,” “but this is a great trick.” I get mad when I don’t get a Japanese chef. Sometimes they’re Mexican and they’re just passing them off as… Anyway. How many Japanese chefs are there in North Carolina? I’m piecing this together now. I brought her home. I dropped her off. I went to my brother’s house, and we waited by the phone very, very anxiously, me, my brother, and sister-in-law just waited, very nervous. And then my mom called. I could hear in her voice that she’d been crying. And I’ll never forget, her first words were: “I’m okay.” And he told her, begged for her forgiveness. She forgave him, she stayed. It’s kinda anti-climactic, I know. She actually made him breakfast the next morning. I’ll never forget that fact. And mostly because it’s an embarrassing fact to admit. It’s not how I thought the story would play out. It’s somehow worse. But it was out in the open. And once that was done, I was left alone feeling like a liar because I had a secret, one that I kept from my mother, and my father, and my family, my friends, and you, all of you, professionally, personally. And the secret is that I’m gay. Thank you for that. We love you. That’s very sweet. I really appreciate that. It means a lot. And I’m accepting the love, I really appreciate the love. My, kind of, ego wants to rebel against it, you clap and you’re very sweet and you’re very kind, and I appreciate it. Part of me wants to be like: “I’m fucking gay.” “I’m not fucking retarded.” Because I can feel it, bro. I can feel it. There’s a lot that happens coming out. I’m telling you guys and I see the Yankee fitteds. Some of y’all are just like: “Shit, we at a gay show, bro?” This is for HBO. You know how many n*ggers just turned the TV off saying to their girl right now “we gotta watch something else”? Like, y’all clapped. A lot of you clapped and you felt it. Some of you didn’t really wanna clap. You were just like: “We gotta do that shit. We’re in New York and there’s cameras.” That’s okay, I get it. I came out to my friends. We love you. I wanna accept that, you know? It feels like I didn’t earn it. It’s like, what did I do, suck a Dominican dude’s dick? And then y’all clapped for that, you know? Because I rebelled against that. I really did, bro, I rebelled against it my whole life. I never thought I’d come out. I didn’t think I’d ever, ever, ever come out. Probably at many points in my life I thought I’d rather die than confront the truth of that. I didn’t actually say it to people, because I know it changes people’s, some people, it changes their perception of me. I can’t control that. I’m from an environment where I was, kind of, raised to be a man, whatever that means. Didn’t expect gay babies, you know what I’m saying? You don’t see old ladies looking at a toddler being, like: “Look at his cheeks. I bet he’s gonna be a top.” “Get that baby some prep now.” I feel you, bro. I’m with you. I’m from the hood. Sometimes I’ll be in the shower like: “N*gger, I’m really gay. Fuck, dude!” You know? Shit is shocking to me, too. I didn’t know. It’s fucked up all my relationships. I had a boyfriend, me and that n*gga talked to each other like men. We’d say shit like: “I wanna suck your dick, bro.” None of that gay shit over here. Sometimes we’re making out and just whispering “no homo” to each other. Just tonguing that n*gger down being, like, “pause”. I feel you. I got mostly straight friends. Them n*ggers didn’t wanna hear that shit. My homeboy, Jamar, said… This is one of my best friends. I let him sleep on my couch when he needed it. I was always there for him. He told me he felt like he was tricked into having a gay best friend. He said: “I would’ve never signed up for this.” And I said: “N*gger, you owe me 85000 dollars.” Gotta accept the love, man. I need the love. I need it. I was really out here lying, though. That’s the thing, I came out too late, a little too late. That “it gets better shit is for the kids”. That’s not for an adult man figuring himself out. They don’t want that. Nobody wants that shit. All my friends felt like I was just duplicitous, like I was just lying to them. They didn’t know who I was. They all reacted like Sally Field in Mrs. Doubtfire. They were like: “The whole time?” They were very mad about that shit. It cleared up my relationship with all my black homegirls. My friend Ashley told me before I came out she could sense it. She was like: “Please just tell me you’re gay so this all makes sense.” I guess there are only so many times you can Facetime a woman to see if your outfit looks okay before they start having some questions. They were the toughest. Black women were the toughest people to come out to, but also the most supportive. I’m very, very thankful for all of the black ladies in my life who have supported me through that, through all of it, all of it. They’re not homophobic at all. They’re racist as a motherfucker. They don’t like that I had a white boyfriend. See? You see what I’m saying? You see that change? You can be gay, but n*gger, what? You date white boys, really? Is that a shock? Surprise, surprise. No more secrets. I’m gonna tell you all.     You heard her say “wow”? That’s the sound of a Black woman that feels doubly betrayed. My sister is on that shit, too. Listen, I’m used to it. I grew up just in the hood on some real strong masculine shit. It plays out. Look, I’ll say this, I actually think that it is important to say this, I believe in the black family. I think that black men should marry black women, and have black babies and raise them to be smart, just good citizens, educated. I think that’s very, very important. A hundred percent. I think gay black men should be able to fuck whoever the fuck we want. What is the consequence? There are no black babies coming from the kind of sex I have, okay? It’s all getting flushed. It doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter. The black girls, they try. I would send them pictures of my boyfriend and they would ignore that he’s white. They would just be like… I remember I sent a picture to my homegirl Tiffany and she was like: “He got some pretty glasses.” I was like: “Nah, bitch, it’s not the glasses.” “Look at the skin of my vanilla king.” I didn’t call him that. I’m hiding nothing from you guys. But your name. Now you guys are too much like my family. Let’s go back to the audience-performer relationship we had before. It’s a lot. I’m really happy we had this moment of… My brother texted me earlier today and said: “I’m missing my first special taping,” “but I know it’s necessary. I love you.” That’s very sweet. I love him. He’s there for me as much as he can be. He tries. He tries and I love him. I love him a lot. I love Joe so much. He’s all I got in a lot of this. I wish he’d try harder. I’m probably a little mad at him, a little bit mad. He’s my big brother, he’s supposed to protect me. He loves me despite, that’s the thing. It’s a little condescending, you know? It’s love with an asterisk. “I don’t really fuck with the gay shit, but I still love you.” That’s that masculine shit. I could feel the distance between us. And I hate that because no one would want that. It makes me feel unwanted. It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. It’s like he’s looking down on me and accepting me despite. It’s especially hurtful just because I make so much more money than this n*gger. It’s not even close. I don’t wanna be gross and talk about money, but the difference is millions and millions of dollars. I love my brother a lot. He’s a nice guy. Nice as… I’m saying that. He has five kids who I love a lot, a lot. My nieces mean a lot to me. My oldest niece, Joliette, she’s fourteen now and I like talking to her. I think she’s so smart and she’s really beautiful. Her face reminds me of my mom’s. I have a five-year-old niece and then four-year-old twin nieces and I love them. I like spending time with them because I’m not hiding anything when I’m with them, I’m just with them. We’re just there playing. We’re just eating ice cream or they’re trying to braid my hair. They are easy to talk about it with, you know? Joliette, there’s no pre-tense. It’s harder with the older ones. I came out to my dad again. I say again, cause he forgets. It’s cognitive dissonance. I have to remind him. I have to re-up every so often. There’s a part of him that likes that I came out. I don’t think he necessarily wants a gay son, but he likes that me coming out takes some of the heat off him. Like when he first found out he was like “no, it’s cool”, “I fucked up, you fucked up”. “You gay, I did what I did… Que sera…” My father’s dream is that I’m bi. That’s all he wants. That’s all he wants, the hope, somewhere on the horizon, that I’m still getting pussy. That’s all he wants. He’s probably actually disappointed in both of me and my brother. He’s probably looking at us like: “Wait, so you gay and you only fuck your wife?” “What kinda nerds am I raising here?” I told my dad, I said: “I know two things for a fact.” “I will never be an astronaut and I’m a gay man.” And you know what my father said? He said: “Don’t give up on the moon, son.” I hid it from my mom for the most part. I was afraid that her reaction would be to just go inside with it. I love her a lot. I love her dearly. And I’m trying to describe her without sounding cliché and describe the love that I have for her. I really feel like I was one of her closest friends. I feel like I have always looked out for her. I remember on the call, the last time I talked about being gay with my Mom, she said: “I can’t go against Jesus.” And it just bothers me. I get it, cause she’s… She’s doing the best she can. I think. She’s trying to accept. I don’t know what she’s trying to do. I think she’s trying to accept it. Part of me knows she’s at home trying to pray the gay away. I get a little mad sometimes. Any time I don’t match with a dude on RIA I’m like: “I bet that bitch over there praying to God.” I feel it too. It fucks with me because this is a religion that I still believe in. I’m still a Christian and it’s taken a lot, it’s taken a whole lot because I’ve had to reconfigure God and what God is and what he means in order to accept myself. I had to kind of rebuild. And with my mom… I’m sorry. A lot of it is not really… It’s kinda happening in real time, so it’s not totally worked out. Forgive me. I think she’s… She thinks not reacting is the best reaction. I think she’s been rewarded for staying quiet, you know? It’s like with her dad, so she gives me nothing. Even hate starts to feel like love because that’s acknowledgement. It’s not just nice. It’s not pleasant, it’s real and that feels… I think that would feel better. I wish she would yell at me. I wish she would tell me to not come home. I wish she’d call me a f*ggot like my Uncle June Bug did. Yeah. It hurt my feelings, but I was like: “N*gga, your name June Bug.” I’d rather get called a f*ggot than June Bug. Anything, anything, anything. She’s nice. She’s sweet. She ignores it. The worst of her is cold, like really, really cold. I mean she’s a nice lady, but like, there’s a part of her that’s really… She can shut people out. She can ignore, she can block and like, go inside. But you gave yourself so many years. Why don’t you give her that time? I’d love to give her all the time in the world, you know? I don’t know how much time it would take. I don’t know how much time we have left. Just in general, one of my biggest fears is my parents funeral, just the thought of one them dying without saying everything, without contending, without expressing it all. And my mom’s in her early sixties and she has time and she’s… I also just don’t know if that’s when people change. They do. Maybe. I don’t know. It sounds like a joke, but like part of me feels like if I ask my mom to change this much about her is like, you ever see a 90-year-old get a college degree? On the news… And you’re like: “Bitch, now?” “Good luck in the fucking job market.” It’s not that I don’t find hope for change, but I think even if she was young, there’s a part of my mom that’s very, very cold. I know it because I have it, I can be that. That’s why my last real secret is that I’m… People think I’m nice. Nah, I’m like my Mom. Fuck everybody. Very selfish. Very, very, very, very selfish. I smile. Very polite about it. I lie to everybody face. “Yeah, we should get dinner!” You know, lies. How you lie to people? I’m afraid of not… Man, just like my Mom, is that performance of like who you’re supposed to be. Like I’m afraid of not smiling. I smile a lot. I feel like if I don’t smile, I look like the n*ggers that shot Malcom X. I know. I’m afraid of things getting awkward. Like weird. Like even this moment, I’m like “man, I should probably think of a joke”. Shit is falling apart out here.     Do you wish you didn’t tell her? No, no. I stayed in the closet for a long time. I think because of my mom I felt like… It’s not like I could bring a dude home to her, so what’s the point? But as much as she believes in God, I believe in personal growth and feeling free. I feel freer. We say things like: “Sometimes you grow and you gotta leave people behind.” “People are in your life for a reason or a season.” Or these kinds of cliché sayings. It’s hard when that person is your mom. You think a lot of the guilt is your dad’s guilt? I carry some guilt. I think because I was complicit in the lie, I guess. I thought I was protecting her. I always felt like my mom’s protector. I always felt like… I’m trying to explain this concept. I always felt like… I always felt like the result of her prayers. My mom, one of her favorite Bible verses is, I think it’s Jeremiah Chapter 33: “Ask me and I will tell you things you don’t know and can’t find out.” Do you think without your mom’s approval you’ll be okay? That eventually this will be something that you’ll be okay with? I think without my mom’s approval… I’d like to believe I will be okay. I think I’ve spent a lot of time trying to supplement that love and I’m very thankful because I have some very, very good friends. Really, really good people who are there… I think it’s something that I kind of search for. When there’s distance between me and my mom, it’s the times I feel the most like an orphan. I feel abandoned. I’m sorry, that laugh was fake. I’m trying to make jokes. I wish this moment weren’t so weird, man. I think like, what do I want from her? I know she’ll see this. I don’t know what will happen. You guys got any ideas? I don’t know what else to… I’ve been trying to be very honest because my whole life was shrouded in secrets. And I figured the only route I haven’t tried was the truth, so I’m saying everything. Here’s everything. I feel okay. I’m very thankful for tonight. Rothaniel. My name’s Rothaniel. Goodnight, everybody. Thank you very much. Thank you very, very much. Thank you."
1686242781-371,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Tom Papa: You’re Doing Great! (2020) – Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/tom-papa-youre-doing-great-transcript/,"[applause, whooping] [presenter] Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Papa. [mouths] [whistling and cheering] [mouths] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Look at you. Look at you. New Jersey. [cheering] Yeah! That’s why I’m here. It’s the people. It’s definitely not the weather. It’s the people. Thank you so much for coming out. I’m proud of you. Good job getting out of the house. Good job. [applause] [chuckles] It’s nice to be back. It really is. I’ve been living in LA now. Uh. It’s a little scary. The planet doesn’t want us anymore. We’re on fire… all the time. My kids just run out on the lawn and catch ashes on their tongues, like it’s snowflakes. “Thank you, Santa.” I’m like, “Spit that out. It’s our neighbor’s house.” The planet doesn’t want any of us though, right? Everyone’s in trouble now. Houston got it a couple times, Florida… Uh. The Bahamas, Puerto Rico… How about the poor people in Staten Island? Oh, man. Could you imagine… having to live in Staten Island? [applause] There are people there right now… putting on their pajamas… knowing they’re going to wake up in Staten Island. And what are we doing? Just laughing, having a good time… like it’s not even going on. People in the Bahamas just had a fundraiser for the people in Staten Island. Thoughts and prayers, guys. But thank you for coming out. You look beautiful. I hope you’re doing alright. You look happy. I travel the whole country and everybody’s freaking out. Everywhere I go, people are doing deep yoga breaths in the airport. They’re downloading meditation apps on their phone, just trying to keep it together. Calm down, you’re doing great. You’re doing great. I’m telling you, you’re doing great. Life isn’t perfect. It never was, and it never will be. We’ve all got stuff to deal with. You’re doing great. So what, you’re fat. Who cares? We’re all fat. You’re either really fat, kind of fat, or trying not to be fat. Either way, fat’s coming. And that’s alright. Don’t hate on it. You know why you’re fat? Because you’re winners. Yeah, first generation, born at the right time, doesn’t have to fight for survival. Food always within arm’s reach, perfect temperature everywhere you go. Every day you wake up in America, it’s a perfect 72 and snacky. So, yeah, we’re going to be a little chubby. Big deal. Don’t hate on it. Don’t hate on it. Accept you. This is it, guys. You’re a grown-up. You’re an adult. This is what you ended up looking like. Game over. So, you don’t have the body of an Olympic athlete. Well… you’re not an Olympic athlete. You’re Don from Sales. You got a fat ass, you wear khakis, you hike them up when you walk. We still like ya. So, don’t tell me what you’re quitting. I don’t care. I don’t care what your low self-esteem… decided you should quit this week. “I’m quitting meat.” “I’m quitting gluten.” I don’t care. You’re my friend. You looked awful yesterday. You’re going to look a little worse tomorrow. Yeah. [whooping and applause] Why are we even talking about this? Let’s get some ice cream and enjoy the day. My wife quit sugar in January because she ate cookies like a monster… all through December, and on January 1st, came marching into the kitchen: “That’s it. I’m never eating sugar again.” [chuckling] “Yes, you are.” And you’re going to eat more than you ever ate before. Not because you’re weak, but because you’re a human being and you get sad sometimes. And to stop yourself from slitting your own throat, you eat a cookie once in a while. I have friends in my life that don’t eat bread anymore. They don’t eat bread. [slower] They don’t eat bread. They’re going to lose three and a half pounds. No one’s ever going to know. And they don’t eat bread. Why are you even here? [applause] Could you imagine? No toast in the morning with butter for the rest of your life? Kill yourself. Make some room for people who know how to live. I know it’s hard. I know, I feel the pressure too. Everyone in your face, telling you to do more, lose more weight, be better… I get it. I get it. They show you the ads for the gym, they show you to try to get you to join up, like the “Before” and “After” guy. I always like the “Before” guy, frankly. Yeah, he looks a little chubby. He also looks like he has a box of donuts and a lot of friends. That “After” guy’s got a weird look in his eye. Looks like he takes his shirt off when he shouldn’t. They’re always getting in our face: “Yeah, well, other generations were skinnier.” Yeah? Well, their lives were miserable. Gandhi didn’t look like Gandhi because he was killing it at SoulCycle. He had a horrible life. He wore a diaper and ate butterflies for lunch. Every show has a makeover segment on it now, right? They always take some woman, tell her she’s not good enough, and, therefore, no women watching are good enough. It’s always a mom… Always a mom. Just a worker. Right? Fifteen kids and 20 animals… driving around in her Cheerio-covered minivan. She didn’t think her life was going to go this way, no. She thought she was going to be a princess. That’s what they told her her whole life: “You’re a princess.” And on her wedding day, she thought she made it. They dressed her up like a snow queen. They took pictures of her next to the duck pond. She thought she did it. She woke up the next morning, they took her veil away, gave her some sweatpants and told her to get to work.     [applause] But she doesn’t care. She loves this family, dedicates her life to these people. She’s an angel here on Earth. And what does her family do in return? They pop out of a pantry on national TV and scream in her face. ‘We’re giving you a makeover!” “I thought I looked okay.” “No, you’re disgusting. We had a meeting when you were making us lunch. We decided we’re not going to look at this anymore.” Then they drag her ass to The Today Show. They put her in clothes she could never afford or wear. She can’t wear heels this big. They’re going to get stuck in the field when she’s putting up the soccer nets. Hair and makeup she could never replicate on her own without an extra three hours in the morning before the school bus comes. This is the worst part: On national TV, she comes waddling out in her heels, trying not to fall. Her whole family’s in front of her, they start crying, in her face. “Oh my God, you’re beautiful. You look nothing like you.” Cut her a break. You’ve got to be nicer to each other. You’ve got to be nicer to yourself. This is hard. It’s hard what we’re doing, isn’t it? It’s hard being a person. Yeah. It’s hard. When I was little, I used to look at grown-ups with money and cars and think, “Wow, that looks fun. I can’t wait.” Then I was an adult for six weeks. I’m like, “This blows. “I have to pay for everything.” Just the physical maintenance of you every day, right? It’s endless. Just the brushing and cleaning and wiping… hopefully every day. It’s like you’re your own pet. And some people don’t take care of their pet very well. You see them on the sidewalk, their hair’s all matted, looks like they ate out of the garbage. “Where’s your collar, Dan?” “Aaah!” God. Just the check list of stuff you’ve got to do to get out of the house. I mean, look around tonight. Right? Look around. No one’s killing it in here. You look alright, but no one’s like, “Wow, look at that guy.” And still, to look like this took some doing, didn’t it? Yeah. You made choices, put things back… [chuckling] I was walking down Sixth Avenue in New York, this businessman walking the other way. So well thought out, everything immaculate: suit, tie, leather shoes match his briefcase… glasses… not a hair out of place. Fly open, one ball out. I understood. He did everything on the list, didn’t check that one box. Just on his way to a meeting. Probably on his way back from a meeting, actually. No, that’s the other thing. As an adult, nobody cares. Nobody helps you. Probably looked him in the eye in the meeting. “I’m not telling him, I got my own problems. I think I’m wearing my wife’s underwear today. I don’t know what the hell’s going on.” His wife probably kissed him goodbye in the morning. “So long, honey. What a jackass. He’ll figure it out. If I’ve got to see it, so should everybody else. Wouldn’t hurt to get a little sun on that guy once in a while.” [sighs] No one cares. We’re totally alone. You are. Even the people closest to you only get so close, right? The people you sleep next to, only so close. You’ve got to give yourself little pep talks in your head. All day long, like a crazy person. ‘Cause you’re the only one looking out for you. “I’ve got my wallet, got my cell phone. Okay, okay. [sighs] Where are my keys? Where are my keys? Okay, I’ve got my keys. Alright, it’s going to be a great day. It’s going to be a great day.” The only difference between you and a crazy person is they say it out loud on the street. [loudly] “I’ve got my wallet, got my cell phone… Going to be a great day!” You’re looking at him across the street, “This guy’s nuts. We don’t yell like that. [chuckling] No, we don’t. We should get some ice cream.” [chuckles] No one cares. Even my iPhone turned on me, my only true friend in the world. It’s taking all the photos I take and putting them in categories of its own choosing. It considers my fat face and my normal face to be two different people. And there’s a lot more of the fat face guy. Apparently, he owns the phone. You ever catch yourself on the phone, that undershot? [audience groaning] [gasps] You don’t even think you’re fat, and you’re like, “I’m a monster.” “How are they not just hitting me with a dart when I come out of the front door… and taking me to the zoo to be identified?” It’s hard. I don’t know why we don’t feel like we’re doing great. You work hard, do all the stuff you’re supposed to be doing. You’re doing your best, and still, you feel like it’s not enough. I think it’s social media. I think since social media came out. Before social media, I thought I was kicking ass. I really did. Now, every time I open my phone, someone’s in my face. “Are you killing it today?” “Are you living 100% maxed out energy?” “Are you living your best life?” No, I’m not. I’m not doing any of those things… because that’s not normal. I don’t care what The Rock’s Instagram says, that’s not normal. You know what’s normal? How you feel right now. Right now, in your funny little gassy bodies. A little achy, a little tired, light-headed… taking deep breaths, so you don’t pass out in front of your friends. Worried about your bills, worried about how you’re getting home, worried about that thing you found on your ass. That’s normal. And it’s exhausting and that’s normal too. Being tired, which I know you are all the time. That is normal. You don’t need a five-hour energy drink. You need to lay down once in a while. [audience whooping and applauding] So, we beat ourselves up about it all the time. Right? All my friends… “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Two o’clock in the afternoon, every day. I get so tired. What’s wrong with me?” Nothing. Nothing. You woke up in the dark… went to a job you don’t enjoy… Already put in five hours. They gave you 20 minutes for lunch, and now you need a nap. And they won’t let you. So, you’ve got to hide in the bathroom stall from your co-workers with your feet up… [applause] …close your eyes for ten seconds so maybe you’ll get through the goddamn day. You’re doing fine. Social media plays with your head, though. It does. You know? It has me, too. I read all these articles… People are getting clinically depressed because they’re looking at other people’s lives on social media, and they start to think that their life pales in comparison. Calm down. First of all, no one has a great life. No one. No one. They are posting their best moments, with a filter, to make you feel shitty. [applause] “Look at us at the Eiffel Tower. Suck it, guys.” Yeah, they don’t show them for three hours stuck at Baggage Claim, or sitting in the hotel for five days because the husband’s got diarrhea from a French tart he shouldn’t have eaten. Yeah, that’s happening too, trust me. And if your friend is douchey enough to post 50 pictures of their Hawaiian vacation while they know you’re at work, don’t get depressed, get even! Start posting pictures of you at their house. “Bob just peed in the pool. LOL.” “Sorry about all the people. Might want to change the sheets when you get back.” [chuckling] What are we doing to ourselves with this social media? Really? What are we doing? These are people I chose to follow. My friends and family. and I never get off Instagram or Facebook and think: “Wow, good for everyone!” No, I want them all to die. When I’m on Instagram, it’s like I’m in a traffic jam with everyone I know. When you’re in traffic, you’re like, “Look at this jerk-off. Out of my way…” That’s how I am on Instagram. “Oh, ‘We’re partying again.’ They’re alcoholics, that’s what they are.” “Oh, they’re in love. No, they’re not. He cheated on her last year. I know it.” We’ve got to control it, because it does get to you. It does. You see people with money and fame and you think, “What’s wrong with my life? Where did I screw up? Why aren’t I living like that?” No. No, that’s an illusion. A simple life is what wins. A simple life. This is a life. This is a life. You run out of toothpaste. You need more toothpaste. You tell yourself that for a week and a half. Standing on it, squeezing it, pushing through the hole from the inside. Just trying to get one strand on your brush, so you don’t feel like a monster out in the world. You finally stop at CVS on the way home. You slide that fresh tube out of that long box… You feel like you did something, don’t you? [applause]     Yeah, you feel like a winner. Yeah. You are. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, right? That was the perfect couple we were all supposed to emulate. Two perfect people in this relationship. Look at their life. Your life, your simple life, so much better. You don’t want that life. Marriage: over. Good, they deserved it. That was arrogance. Take two perfect people, put them in one relationship? That’s not going to work. You want your marriage to last, you need a little funny-looking in it. No, you need to look across the table and think, “Where are you gonna go?” [applause] When you’re young and stupid, you think you want a supermodel. No, you moron, you don’t want some beautiful woman asking to be taken to Europe. You want a girl with a crooked eye asking if you have jumper cables. That’s your girl. That’s a keeper. She’s not running out on you, she’s limping around in circles in the parking lot. [whooping and cheering] These are the good times. You hear people talk about “the good old days” all the time. Lately, “If we could just go back to the good old days.'” “The good old days.” Are you kidding me? These are “the good old days.” The good old days? We’re just figuring out how to do stuff now, and we don’t even have it figured out yet. You want to go to the good old days? They didn’t know how to do anything back there. Nothing. You ever see the first bicycle ever made? I don’t know how to make anything. But I know you don’t take the smallest wheel you can find… and put that in the back, and the biggest wheel on earth… and put that up front. It’s a bad bike. You couldn’t even get in the seat by yourself. Your friends had to fling you up there by the ends of your handlebar mustache… and hope you landed on the seat. And once you started pedaling, you couldn’t stop. You pedaled till you died. And that was okay, because your life expectancy in the good old days… twenty-eight years old. Please! A horrible time to live. Hospitals were a nightmare. All they did was cut your leg off. Didn’t matter what you had. Broken arm, the flu… You walked in, you hopped back out. No medicine. No medicine. No Advil. Could you imagine? A life without Advil? [gasps] You ever go to the cabinet and realize you’re out of Advil? [gasps] I just lay on the ground and hope to die. What are you going to take, that 12-year-old Benadryl from the back? They had no TUMS. No TUMS! You ate, got gassy and exploded. These are the good old days. Look at all your outfits. Look at these beautiful fabrics you’re wearing. And I know you had options. This isn’t your only outfit. No, not in the good old days. One hard woolen outfit. Hard leather shoes made out of pig livers… and burlap underpants. Burlap underpants! Ever see black and white pictures from back then? They’re all angry, just staring at the camera. Like, “What’s wrong with those people? Why are they so unhappy?” Burlap underpants. [applause] Awful! No plumbing. You went into an outhouse. Into a hole in the ground… and used leaves and a stick as toilet paper. Couldn’t shower off. It wasn’t invented yet. If you wanted to get clean, once every two weeks, you dipped in a pickle barrel in the middle of the kitchen with your family. [exclaims in horror] Could you imagine? Could you imagine going last? [exclaims in horror] A pickle barrel filled with hair and vagina water. [audience groaning] And you were cleaner coming out than when you went in. Put on your burlap underpants, climbed on your bike and went to town. [applause] I’ve got to say, for this taping… you guys are kicking ass. [whooping] Good people. Good job. Good job. If you think you’re going to be on camera, probably not. Some of you. You guys are very bright up front. And you look really high. [Tom chuckling] Are you? You are. Yeah, you are. He’s frozen right now. He’s like, “Holy shit! “The TV is talking to me.” It’s alright. It’s alright. You look good. You’re doing well. Deep breaths, deep breaths… [chuckling] But you are going to be on camera. And you’re going to see what I’m talking about. [Tom chuckles] Money, that’s the big one. Money. That’s the big stress. You know? That’s what gets people down more than anything else. Right? You’re obsessed. “We need more money, gotta get more money. Never have enough. More money… I need more money!” But that’s a matter of perspective too. Look, you don’t realize… We didn’t realize when we were young and poor, how rich we really were. Right? Because you had freedom, and you’ll never have it again. Yeah! Look, we all want money. We all do, right? You want as much as you can get. You want to take care of your family and your friends, to be able to get out of trouble, don’t want to be stressed week-to-week. You want to be able to buy something stupid once in a while without your spouse calling you a moron. Right? If you’re a 40-year-old man and you want to buy an Xbox, you should buy an Xbox. You don’t need your wife calling you a moron. You’ll find that out in two weeks’ time… when you realize you don’t have any time for an Xbox because you’re a 40-year-old man. I made a horrible business decision. I got married and had two children. Horrible idea. I love them, but they just grow and get bigger and need more money and more money. At this point, it’s like I’m living with two unemployed coke addicts. Seriously, they come into my office every morning: “Hey, you got more money for me?” “What happened to the change from yesterday?’ “I don’t know. The economy, right?” And I spoil them. I spoil the hell out of them. Because they’re girls. They’re two girls. So, forget it. They got me. Oh, they got me. I hope they don’t watch this and realize. No, they got me. And, you know, my father had money, but he didn’t spoil us, so I’m going the other way. You know? My father made money, but he was like, “I’m not going to give it to children. I’m going to spend it on what I want to spend it on.” Could you imagine living in a time where the children weren’t in charge? Sounds like a magical time to be alive. He took us to an amusement park once, he saw the line… He said, “Just look at it through the fence, you get the idea.” My daughters make me take them out for ice cream three times a week. And I do it, like an idiot. Oh, they’re so entitled. They walk into that shop with the little sample spoons, the worst invention in retail. Just… Nom, nom, nom. “No. No” “Let me see if you did better with that one.” Nom, nom, nom. “No.” My father took us out for ice cream once. “Everyone gets one scoop of vanilla, no cones. Put out your hands.” [in English accent] “Thank you, Father. This is the most wonderful of days.” [Tom chuckles] [sighs] Man… But now the responsibility when you have these people… Sometimes late at night, when my wife is asleep and the kids are asleep and the animals are just dreaming peacefully, without a care in the world… and I’m standing naked, alone in the hallway, rapt with fear, because I know their lives depend on me. And I can’t tell anyone about it, I can’t complain. I just have to swallow the stress and slowly lose my hair. I can’t wake my daughter up at two o’clock in the morning and just sit on the end of her bed. “Hey, honey are you awake? Hey! You ever feel like you’re not going to make it? Do you ever feel like you just can’t do it anymore? Forget about it, get some sleep. I’ll see you at breakfast.” Brutal. [applause]     No. I’ve just got to work. I’ve just got to work, the non-stop working. Oh, God. Just to go back to those easy days when you’re just single, driving around in your little shitty car. Oh! Do you remember your first car? Yeah, what was it? [man] ’86 Subaru. ’86 Subaru. [wistful] Ohhh. Where’d you get it? Off a friend. Alright, it was an ’86 Subaru. What year are we talkin’? 1995. [laughing] Subaru before they were cool. Yeah. There weren’t a lot of hikers and lesbians driving them back then. No way. What color was it? Silver. That’s pretty cool. Was this in New Jersey? Yeah? Cruising around… all cool… Weed in your pocket in your Subaru. Remember what you paid for it? [man] Five hundred. Five hundred dollars? That was a lot of money back then. Oh, but you loved it, didn’t you? Oh, God. How about you, high guy, did you…? Do you remember your first car? [replies indistinctly] Ford F-150. Hot damn. That wasn’t here in New Jersey. No. Where was it? [man] West Virginia. West Virginia! [chuckles] Good for you. Yeah, you had to have a truck there, or they’d kick you out of the state. Imagine if you rolled up in the Subaru. No way! “We saw a gay guy in the center of town.” [chuckles] My first car was a Toyota Corolla. [cheering] Baby Shit Orange. That’s what it said in the brochure. And I loved it. It was awful. If you have a horrible car right now… be proud of it, because you have freedom and you’ll never have it again. You can do anything you want with a shit car. Find a Darth Vader head… If you like Star Wars, glue it right to the hood. Can’t do that with a leased Mercedes. No, they won’t let you. You can with a Subaru. Put on a Vader mask, get in the Vader-mobile, go the wrong way down the highway. Everyone’s getting out of your way, because they know you’re poor and have nothing to lose. [sighs] But you need dreams. You need dreams. You have to have goals at the end of all this. Obtainable, real goals… Lower your expectations. Really. No big jets and helicopters and all the rest… When this is all over for me, my dream, my dream… Bagel shop at the beach. Yeah, not owning one, working in one. I don’t need that kind of pressure. Not a good beach, either. Jersey Shore in the winter. Yeah. This dream’s coming true. All I have to do is not wet myself in the interview. I’m getting this job. I want to make bagels for you in March at the Jersey Shore. “Did you just wet yourself?” “No, I did not.” “Welcome aboard.” They say you should visualize your dreams. I do, I see it. I fantasize about it all the time. Who else works there? Juan, he’s 72. He makes the bagels. He rides his bike there. I throw in some Spanish, so he knows I’m cool. “Yo es muy guapo.” “You’re an idiot, Tom, but I like you.” And Sean, you need that guy. He’s a pothead, you need that. And Dolores, she works the register. A little older now, a little sloppy in the caboose… Doesn’t have a good dental plan, eats a lot of day-old bagels, but, you know… Beggars can’t be choosers. It’s Jersey Shore in the winter. Once in a while, she drops something at the register, bends down to pick it up, Juan and I catch each other’s eye, we think, “Yeah, I would.” [loud laughter] That’s my dream. But not now, not now, not now… I’ve got to get the kids out. They’ve got to move out. I’ve got to do all that. That’s another weird thing, I just realized I can’t believe they’re leaving. I have a seventeen-year-old. She’s leaving. It struck me. I was like, “Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t want this house. I didn’t want this dog. I didn’t want to live in this town. I did this for you. And now you’re just gonna leave?” But then I thought, “But wait, when they’re both gone, what’s stopping me? What’s stopping me from going back to the life that I had before? How much can a Corolla be on eBay?” I’m going to get a backpack, fill it with everything I liked when I was 19: some Van Halen CDs, a little weed… I’m going to walk up the driveway and blow the house up behind me like Die Hard. [whooping, applause] [Tom chuckles] Yeah. To be honest… I don’t want them to leave. It’s going to be rough. I don’t want to see them go. No. It’s fun… It’s… They’re not even that great, and I want them to be around. We have a mean girl. We have a mean girl. Yeah, I didn’t know they were real. They’re real. Yeah, I feel guilty. I made it. I feed it. I’m keeping it alive. I give it money. It’s like I’m funding the terrorists. But it is complicated, because I can’t tell how mean she is. When we were little, if you were a bad kid, they came right up to your father at school: “Hey, you got a shitty one here. And your father was grateful an adult was talking to him: “Thank you. I’ll beat him immediately.” Now, they’ll get fired if they say that. It’s confusing. I can’t tell how mean she is and I love her. So it’s all… I’m sure, at some point, Hitler’s parents must have turned to each other, like, “He’s a little weird, right?” “Yeah, he’s weird. He’s six. Who has a mustache like that at six?” She got in the car the other day, reached over my shoulder, changed the radio station… A whole Taylor Swift station came on. I went to change it… All the stations are hers now. I’m like, “When did that happen?” She goes, “Don’t worry about it. Just make it louder.” Could you imagine, as a child, getting in your father’s car, demanding he put on your music and then, “Louder, a little lower, louder… Right there, chief, right there.” When you eventually came out of your coma… they would have told you a story of how arrogant you were… and why you lost five years of your life… when you were hit in the head with a pipe… that you deserve. But I get it. You know, this is the age when music hits your life. You don’t listen to your parents anymore. When I was her age, that’s when Prince showed up. You think I was listening to my father? My fat, bald, white father… when Prince showed up? Right? Half naked, his little nipple hairs sticking out… Full mustache, but wearing makeup. Kind of gay, but singing about sleeping with women. I was like, “I don’t know what this guy is trying to tell me, but I’m going to follow him to the end of my days.” [whooping, applause] From that point on, all your role models were perverts, right? Prince, David Bowie… Freddie Mercury running around with his ball bag hanging out… We didn’t even know he was gay. We didn’t even know he was gay. The name of his band was Queen. Big penises on the side of the stage, shooting fireworks… “Wow, he’s an interesting entertainer.” [chuckles] But you know what? Honestly, I like that she’s a mean girl. I like it. What are we saying? You know? Girls should be tough. If it means being called mean, so what? It’s scary out there. Yeah, she’s tough. Go ahead. She’s got to go out there and meet men… Gotta meet men! Ugh! Gotta bring men home, big hairy men. Ugh! Who knew? Who knew that men were so awful? Who knew? I think the women knew. I think the women knew. [whooping, applause]     Yeah, I think you knew. We had no idea. I feel bad. We should have been looking out for you. We had no… Regular guys did not know that these guys were out there. And we know a lot of secrets. We didn’t know these guys were so bad. Think of the psychotic narcissism of these men, that your hello when you meet a woman for the first time is to reach into your pants, take out your worst part… and present it to her, like it’s an award she’d be happy to receive. That’s a psychopath. I’ve been married 19 years. When I take my pants off, lights are out. Curtains drawn… I’m under the covers. I don’t even want to see it. I’m like, “I’m sorry, honey. By law, you have to take a look.” But it’s good. It’s a great thing that’s happened. We’re correcting it, we’re getting rid of horrible people. We’re changing the workplace. It’s a positive thing. I was worried about my daughters. I was, I was like, “How am I going to teach them… how awful men are?” You know? “How are they going to know how bad guys can be?” I’m the only man in their life, and I’m pretty great. Especially to them. I was a week and a half away from just smashing a glass at the dinner table… and then Harvey Weinstein rode in like a hero… [applause] …with tales to tell. And every week since then, there’s been another monster. My daughters will be lesbians by Thanksgiving. You’ve got to be tough. You’ve got to be tough. It’s tough out there. One of our cats just died. That was a sad thing. [audience] Aww! Yeah, just one more to go. [laughter] No. To be honest, this cat and I did not get along. Uh, I tried to like her, but she didn’t like me. You know a cat doesn’t like you when you come home at night, it gets on its hind legs like a human being and runs at you with its claws out. That’s alright. It’s not my job to love the animals. They want animals. It’s my job as the father to get them animals. I get them animals. I drive them home, they live with them and love them, and when they’re about to die, I drive them back out. I’m like the warden on death row. They hear me coming with the cat carrier, they all back into the room: “Who’s he coming for this time?” “I don’t know. Grace has been walking kind of funny.” There’s one old cat with a harmonica. “Don’t pay him no mind. He comes for all of us one day.” [meowing harmonica riff] So, I brought her in to the vet. She knows she’s not feeling well. And she knows it’s her last trip there. She sees the vet, turns to see my wife… I’m sitting there. The look of disappointment in this cat’s face like, “Really? You?” “Look, I don’t want to be here either. Let’s just get through this.” The vet’s like, “Alright, so this is what happens. We give them one shot, that mellows them out, then we give them the second shot. Does the trick.” I’m like, “I know. I’ve been here before.” And he said, “Okay. I’ll leave you two alone now, so you can say your goodbyes.” You’re in a vet’s office. You can’t be like, “No, I’m good.” “I can skip that part. Just give me that collar, I’ll get out of here. Oh, the goodbye. Right!” The cat’s like, “Get off of me.” I didn’t think I was going to cry. I didn’t think I was going to cry, but… she was really working it. She was really working it. I felt like her last goal on Earth was to break me. You know? She just kept looking at me with those big eyes, just… And I was hanging in there. Then she went into her final purr. That sad, broken, pathetic death purr.. It was so… [low, emotional purrs] Oh, I just lost it. As soon as I broke, she just laughed. “Ha-ha!” [applause] [chuckling] I’m nose to nose with her. I’m all sad, I’m all wet-faced. And she had a death spasm, like one of those… Her paws landed on my face and my reaction was just, “Ahhh!” The vet walks in, “Dude, dude!” Choking the cat. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” “I said there were two shots.” “I know, I was just helping out, I guess.” And the kids, you know, they were sad but then… you promise them another pet. [chuckling] You know? Can’t do that with Grandma. Can’t do that with Grandma. [deep voice] “Hey, how are you? My name’s Flo. Where does Daddy keep the whiskey?” [chuckles] They said, “You promised we could get a dog. You said when the cats pass, we can get a dog.” I was like, “Yeah, but I meant when both the cats pass.” And the mean one started whispering to the other one… They were like, “We can make that happen.” We’ve got to get them a dog. This is going to get weird. And I said, “Alright, I’ll agree. But it has to be a boy.” I need male energy in this house.” Everything is a girl. Everything’s a girl. My wife’s a girl, I made two girls, the cats were girls… We have a lizard. It’s a girl. I’m like, “We need a boy.” And they agreed. And we got a black Lab and her name is Bella. I like her, though. She’s cool. She’s cool. She’s got a little Rottweiler in her. We found her in Bakersfield on the side of a road. Yeah, see, I like a mutt. I like a mutt. If you like pure bred… Whatever you want to do. I’m not going to judge. I don’t know, but, you know, I watch the Westminster Dog Show and, you know, it’s a little too fancy. All these purebred… [English accent] “Now, the German Shepherd, blah, blah, blah.” “Sixteenth century… blah, blah, blah.” How about a “real dog” dog show? You know? “Here’s Ralph from Bayonne. Has trouble keeping his tongue in his mouth. Got some of his owner’s edibles out of his backpack. Hasn’t been the same since. That’s Ralph from Bayonne.” [chuckles] But, you know, this is all a part of it. You want to prepare your kids for life, but it’s hard, right? We’re not really prepared for life. It’s hard. Everybody’s complaining, feeling like they’re not doing alright. You’re doing great. You’re doing great. I promise you. I don’t say that lightly, my friends. I don’t. I don’t know any of you and I’m telling you, you’re doing great. I’ll go one better. You’re peaking right now. I’m not kidding. You have a little money in your pocket, you can come watch this silly-ass show… It’s not going to get much better, guys. These are the good times. In the not too far distant future, people will ask you to go somewhere, and your one question is going to be: “Are there stairs?” And if there are, you’re not going. Do what you can and don’t beat yourselves up. You’re trying. You’re doing the best you can. You try and be nice to people, you try and work out, you try and take care of yourself, but you’re going to skip and you’re going to mess up all the time, right? You are. Did you work out today, sir? [laughter] No? [man] Yeah. Oh, you did? Good for you. What did you do? [man] Two-mile run. You took a two mile run. Good for you. How about you, West Virginia? Did you work out? No, sir. Did you work out yesterday? I went to work. You went to work. We’re counting that. Good for you. Where do you work? I work in the city. You work in the city. What do you do there? I work in a restaurant. You work in a restaurant. Are you a waiter? Waiter and back of house. Waiter and back of house. So, you’re running your ass off the whole day. All day, probably longer than this guy. Mr. “I ran for two miles in my Nike uniform.” You’re slinging food and running around like a crazy person… while high! Let me ask you, how does a guy from West Virginia, in a Ford F-150, end up in New York, working in a restaurant? Because of my fiancée. Because of your fiancée. [audience] Aww! Wow! Beautiful! How did you meet her? We met online. You met online. And you were like, “I found a guy from West Virginia… [laughter] …who looks like he’s got great weed.” And what’s your plan? Because I’m not judging you… [laughter] …but I feel like you’ve got to get back to the woods. Do you like New York City? You want to stay here for all of your days? I don’t think so. No. Exactly! It’s a hellhole. You want to go back to rolling hills and your Ford truck. Will you go with him? Yes. You will. So, you’re here, you’re going to… Is this the plan? We’re going to Europe. You’re going to Europe? What are you going to do there? [man] She’s from Portugal. You’re from Portugal? This is the greatest story I’ve ever heard. [applause, laughter] This is a love story. You know what my love story is? I met a girl from New Jersey. Done! [whooping, applause] Good for you. You do whatever the hell you gotta do. I’m not giving you advice at all. You, I can talk to. No, you both look great. You’re doing what you got to do. You both look good. You know what my workout is? Apple Watch. Buzzes once an hour, tells me it’s time to stand. [buzzes] “Time to stand, Tom.” “Okay, Apple watch.” “Sorry I didn’t get up the last two days.”     A Fitbit? Get a Fitbit. Everyone should have a Fitbit. Strap something to your wrist, count what you normally do as exercise? Get it! “I walked from my car to my cubicle. Eighty steps!” “Good job, Carol. Good job. You’re an athlete now. You could run the 5K. Just a couple more steps. You could do it.” Do what you gotta do. Just don’t die. All of you. Don’t die! That should be the only thing on your Post-it Note. “Don’t die.” And act accordingly. Right? Eat the right things when you can, walk the dog the long way, touch your toes once in a while… You don’t want to wake in the middle of the night sweating for no reason… trying to figure out which is the bad arm to be tingly. “Do we have baby aspirin? I think we’re supposed to take baby aspirin… or lick a baby? Does someone have a baby? I think I’m having a heart attack.” You’ve got to go for physicals once in a while, which isn’t the best. I just went recently. My doctor… So humiliating, isn’t it? At least when you go to an eye doctor, you’re like, “My eyes are good or bad. It’s not me.” But the doctor, it’s like, “You’ve been living like an animal.” “I’m sorry. I had a rough year.” So humiliating. As a man, the most humiliating part… you’ve got to take your pants off in front of this guy. And I know, ladies, I know… what you deal with at the doctor’s office is much worse than us. I’m not comparing it. What you have to smoosh your boobs up against… I know. What you deal with… Look, there’s no stirrups where we go. There probably was at one time and we enjoyed it too much. But for us, the worst part… you pull your pants off, he cups your balls and makes you cough. Still. No one knows why. Just for fun. And then, I immediately turn around and assume the position… and get ready for the rear entry. And this doctor I’ve been going to for ten years goes, “No, I’m not doing that anymore.” “Well, it’s not like I wanted you to.” It’s like he was breaking up with me. I was like, “Hey, I only did this for you.” “All these times… I didn’t enjoy it once.” [chuckles] But you do what you can. I don’t want you to die. I want you to keep going, keep doing great. And don’t do what other people tell you is a good time. It never is, never is. Right? Breakfast in bed. Perfect example. Horrible idea. It’s a bad idea. Every poor mother on Mother’s Day has got to get a tray filled with hard toast and runny eggs… and we pin her down in her bed. “Enjoy your breakfast, like a hospital patient. Good luck not spilling the juice on your nightgown. We’ll be at IHOP. See you in an hour.” And no more cruises. Stop with the dumbass cruises. It’s a dumb idea of a good vacation. Anything you can do on those dumbass boats, you can do here on land. Waterslide, shitty magic shows… It’s all here. You don’t need to go to the middle of the ocean, where you do not belong… with two thousand other people, floating around on a giant white toilet. That’s all those boats are: horrible toilets ruining the seas. What does everybody talk about on those dumb boats? “Oh! The food! Oh, my God. Seven meals a day. They take your three meals, they add four more to it.” Yeah, great, and what does everybody do? Waddle off to their room and take a dump in the sea. Stop it. I was in Italy, in this tiny little town… You couldn’t fit one more person there. Scariest thing I ever saw. In the middle of dinner, this cruise ship pulled into port. It was like our city was being attacked… by a bigger city. The gangplank came down. They came waddling out in their Tommy Bahama and their flip-flops, ate everything they could find, went back on the boat, took another dump in the sea. Stop it. [whooping] And while we’re at it, no more zip lining. Stop with the goddamn zip lining in beautiful places. Isn’t it enough to go to these beautiful destinations, and absorb the beauty that’s before you in the three days you have there? Do you really have to be tied into a dirty harness and a lice-ridden helmet, pushed by a non-regulated local off a platform? Why? So you can fly along a wire through the treetops of the jungle? Get a book, sit at the ocean’s edge, and calm down. Look, you want to zip line through a scary place? I get it. You want to zip line through Staten Island? You should. You should be high above that place, moving quickly… trying not to get shot as fast. And don’t watch so much news. Don’t watch so much news. You want to feel better about yourself? Turn the news off. [applause] I’m serious. Like I said, we’re blessed: the first generation that doesn’t have to fight for survival. But we’re also the first human brains that have to deal with horrible news, 24 hours a day on multiple devices. No other human being has had to deal with this onslaught. And it’s controlling us and it’s splitting us apart, and it’s turning us on each other. You’ve got to be smarter than it. You’ve got to manage it. In the old days, the only news you got was a town crier. A man in tights and a wig… came into your village. “Hear ye, hear ye! Donna has syphilis. [loud laughter] Enjoy your day.” And you did, because that’s all the news you really need. That’s it. Don’t buy it. You’ve got to think for yourself. You guys, I’m telling you, you’ll live a much better life. But really, the real thing, the real thing… honestly and with all sincerity, you have to find someone to love. You need someone to love. That’s the whole answer. Really. It doesn’t even have to be a person. It could be an animal. Really! You just need two eyes looking at you across the living room. It could be a fish! It could be a fish. Just looking at you, one eye at a time. Makes you feel accounted for, makes you feel needed. It’s important. You know? The hardest part is finding someone to trust. That’s hard. Because everyone lies to you. Everyone lies to you all the time. Your friends, co-workers, relatives, your parents… Your parents looked you in your little baby face and lied to you. I know they lied to you, because I have children and I lie to them. I remember realizing my mother was a liar. She put out clothes for me, a new outfit for Tommy. You should have seen this outfit. For school, six years old, horrible. Red long-sleeved turtleneck shirt. Red! Long sleeved, form-fitting on my chubby body, turtleneck shirt. Tucked into orange plaid pants. [groaning] Yeah, with a belt and a buckle. So it was tucked in and cinched up tight. So, my little chubs hung over the side. And the pants didn’t go all the way down, so you saw my shoes, my hard, black, feminine dress shoes… with heels and buckles on those, like a pilgrim, like a fat little pilgrim. I came down into the kitchen, “Are you sure, Mom? This is how I should go to school?” “Yes, you’re a handsome boy.” I went to school and got a beating… a beating… from children who cared. “Kick him again, someone’s lying to this fat bastard!” He thinks he looks good. He looks like he works the dog track at six years old.” The hardest part, if you do find someone to love, and you’re trying to figure out if you’re going to go the distance, you have to realize, the person you’re dating isn’t the one you’re going to spend most of your years with. That’s why people split up. You have to think far out, 30 years out. What is this person going to be then? When you’re dating, that’s young and sexy. That’s the sales model. That’s what moves it off the showroom floor. You’ve got to think 30 years out. Picture your man now three times the size. Just a snowman of blubber around his existing body. And bald. He’s going to be bald, or worse, just three hairs. Like a doll that’s been caught in a fire. No more cool clothes, comfortable clothes. Yeah. Elastic waistbands and terry cloth material. Yeah, and Crocs for adults… Yeah, that he wears with socks, because sometimes it’s cold in the morning when you’re getting the paper. No more motorcycle in the garage, but he’s in the garage. You know why? He paints birdhouses now. Yeah, that’s why he’s not having sex with you. He’s painting birdhouses. The same thing with your girl. Young, beautiful, long hair… When she’s old, it gets cut short, it goes straight up in a poof. Like she’s surprised. All old ladies look surprised. “Surprise! I’m still here. I almost slipped, but I didn’t.” All she remembers about fashion is she likes flowers. That’s all she wears, a shower curtain dress filled with flowers. One on each toe, one on her surprise head. “Who wants to play cards?” No more lace bras and panties. Underpants! Industrial-strength cotton, get-the-job-done, keep-everything-in-places-where-it-used-to-be underpants… that she hand washes in the sink. When you’re brushing your teeth and have to spit in the toilet, if you’re not aggravated, you married the right lady. And this isn’t a sad story, this is the story. If everything goes right, this is the happy ending you get. [laughs smugly] [whooping, applause] But if you do want a human being and you don’t have one, that’s on you. That’s your fault. You’re picky, you’re too damn picky. Lower your expectations. There are seven billion people out there. You can find one. You can find one person who doesn’t make you throw up when they take their top off. What? Everyone’s weird and gross out there? Yeah? So are you! We all are. That’s what love is, my friends. Finding someone whose flaws you can put up with. That’s it. That’s chemistry. You ever take the first morning flight? That 6:00 a.m. flight… where you wake up at home at 4:00. You don’t even know how you got to the airport. You’re just, all of a sudden, under fluorescent lights at Security. [groans in confusion] You’re not in control of your body, no one is. I love that moment. Because there’s a sea of people who you could have woken up with, if you had made the wrong choice. I was in on one recently, behind this older gentleman, he burped, farted and sneezed… at the same time. Just exploded out of every one of his openings, all at once. Pa-pow! Like a human tugboat. Pa-pow! It was horrible. People scattered. Changed lanes, changed flights… Went home and tried again tomorrow. His wife stood next to him, did not flinch. She probably does the same thing. The two of them, every morning firing off, making coffee… Pa-pow, pa-pow! The cat, the dog… Pa-pow, pa-pow-pow-pow! Like the grand finale on the 4th of July. But that’s love and that’s what I wish for all of you. I thank you so much for coming out. [loud cheering] You guys were tremendous. Thank you so much. Thank you, New Jersey, you guys are great. I’ll see you next time."
1686242493-302,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Stewart Lee: Carpet Remnant World (2012) – Full Transcript,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/stewart-lee-carpet-remnant-world-transcript/,"(’70s GERMAN ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time to enter the Carpet Remnant World of Stewart Lee! (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) That was a bit heavy metal, rock and roll that. Can we have some funny music at the start of the second half? Yup. Thanks for coming. (LAUGHTER) Okay. What news do you know about? Leveson Inquiry. That’s ongoing. News of the World went down. I was sorry to see The News of the World go down. I think it was a great campaigning newspaper. Not everything I say is sarcastic, Sheffield. Who can forget the News of the World’s high-profile campaign against child sex offenders which led, didn’t it, to News of the World readers burning down the home of a paediatrician. (LAUGHTER) Throwing rocks at a pedalo. (LAUGHTER) And stamping on a centipede. (LAUGHTER) Top-of-the-show pedophile jokes going down well. Good to have been on television and finally managed to attract so much of Jimmy Carr’s audience. The show’s not aimed at you, don’t come again. (LAUGHTER) I’m trying to find out what news you know about so I can weave stories into a seamless two-hour narrative-driven whole. A seamless narrative-driven whole. You have to do that, I think… If you’re a name comic out doing a long theatre show, you just can’t go out and do 90-minutes of unrelated little gags that you can subsequently chop up into smaller parcels and resell to Mock the Week and Live at the Apollo. Oh, yeah. You can do that, can’t you? (LAUGHTER) So what news do you know about? I think the funniest news story at the moment is the trial of the Norwegian Neo-Nazi mass murderer Anders Behring Breivik. You’re going, “Hang on, there’s nothing funny about that, Stew.” But there is and, erm, (LAUGHTER) it’s this. That on his website, Anders Behring Brievik, the Norwegian Neo-Nazi mass murderer, has written this genuine sentence. “Jeremy Clarkson’s Top Gear (LAUGHTER) “is one of the few programmes worth watching on the BBC.” (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I know. Now very rarely do you see a better example of what philosophers call the banality of evil. And remember all that’s required for Jeremy Clarkson to triumph is that Richard Hammond do nothing. (LAUGHTER) Remember when Jeremy Clarkson made those jokes about shooting strikers and everyone complained? There was a guy from the Daily Telegraph went on the Channel 4 News to defend him and he said, “Come on,” he said, “it was just a joke,” he said. “It’s not as if a Jeremy Clarkson fan has ever gone out and shot anyone.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “Well, there was that one guy, “the mass murderer.” Poor old Colonel Gaddafi had a bad year last year, didn’t he? The Libyans got fed up of their leader, pulled him out of a sewer, shot him in the face, mutilated the anus of his corpse with a knife and chucked him in a meat refrigeration unit, but they did that off their own backs, didn’t they, the Libyans. No one made them do it. They did it entirely voluntarily of their own initiative. What better example is there of the big society in action? (LAUGHTER) Will the big society work? Whether we think so depends on our immediate experience of society around us. Now of course, David Cameron thinks a big society will work because he lives in a nice little village in Oxfordshire, Witney, and all of four times a year, all the local people in Witney, that’s David Cameron, Jeremy Clarkson, Rebekah Brooks, and the cheese bloke from Blur, (LAUGHTER) they all get together voluntarily. They go out and they clear out the waste ground in the village, big society in action. Now I know that big society will work because where I live in Hackney, in East London, last August, all the local Turkish shopkeepers went out onto Dalston high road and attacked the rioters with kebab knives. (LAUGHTER) Now this show is called, Carpet Remnant World. Now since I’ve been on the telly, I’m picking up a lot of stragglers, people who don’t normally come and see me. This is twice as many people as I’ve played to in Sheffield before here tonight and the kind of people that come and see people just off the telly, the kind of shows you go and see by comics, they’re normally called things like “Laughtime” aren’t they, or “Joke-A-Rama 6”. Something like that. Now if you’ve seen me before, and I hope you have, I don’t like new people coming. (LAUGHTER) Er… You’ll know… What… My shows, they tend to be a relationship between the title and the content. That’s the bare minimum of what you should offer, I think. Not so much this year, though. It’s not really come together very well, this show. It was supposed to be about idealised notions of society and how we behave as collective groups and… But I’ve been a bit busy with one thing or another. It’s not really worked. So, but what I will do is about five minutes from the end, I, at about 10:00, I will… I will repeat the phrase “Carpet Remnant World” over some music and that will give the illusion of structure. (LAUGHTER) And big laughs down here, for that, people down here. The people who bought tickets first, they’ve seen me before. They’re going, “Of course there’ll be content and structure. “We’ve seen him before. This is a comedic double bluff. Ha-ha”, right? But up there, there’s a lot of people they don’t really know what they’ve come to. They’ve come… Friends have brought them, the very worst… Couple of people that like me, they’ve gone, “Let’s get Gene and Chris to come as well.” And they’ve not… They’ve come and they don’t know who I am and they’ve been whispering all through it up there, in the top bit there. Like, “Is this who you wanted to see?” (LAUGHTER) “it seems like an aggressive lecture.” (LAUGHTER) it’s very strong, we’ll grant you that. That whispering doubt, that will spread all around the top balcony up there. And there will be no one laughing up there by the end because of people bringing their friends. I was quite happy with one night in Sheffield, to be honest, because when you’ve brought friends along and you can feel it’s not as good as it was last time, which is a shame because we’re filming it tonight. So thanks. (LAUGHTER) You know, being on… I won some awards but that doesn’t help, British Comedy Awards. Because people go, “Oh, he’s won an award, we’ll enjoy that.” You won’t. (LAUGHTER) Winning a British Comedy Award is like having a big sign put over your head saying “Hey, dicks, come to this.” (LAUGHTER) What can you do, though? You can’t stop people coming. (LAUGHTER) it’ll be all right. It’s strong down here. I’ll just… I won’t even look up there. (LAUGHTER) So we’ll press on into the void. (LAUGHTER) I thought I’d record this here because last time I was in this theatre it was really fantastic but the audience is… We got two nights now. More people come, but you can see it’s a worse kind of person, isn’t it? (LAUGHTER) Shame. (LAUGHTER) To have gone to all this trouble with all these cameras. “Oh, come to Sheffield, it was brilliant last time.” You know, it was, but… it’s all right, innit? it’s not… (LAUGHTER) Going well down here, innit? But up there. These people down here are thinking, “Oh, that’s the kind of thing he does. “Mucks about like this. It’ll be all right.” And up there there’s people going, “I’ve not seen him before. “He doesn’t seem to be able to do standup.” (LAUGHTER) I can. I can do it really well, actually. I’m really good at it. I’m so good at it that one of the things I do, is I make it look like I can’t do it, but I can. And if you’re sitting there having been brought by friends thinking, “Oh, he can’t do it.” The question you have to… I’ve been on stage thousands of times literally. The question you have to ask yourselves up there, people’s friends, is how many times have you been to standup and what kind of acts have you seen? It’s maybe four or five times. You haven’t seen the right sorts of people. You’ve got no context for me. So you’re not in any position to have an opinion about it. (LAUGHTER) Good, that’s warmed the room up. (LAUGHTER) it’ll be all right, don’t worry about it. Okay. So on May the second, last year, I was driving along the M4, that’s what I mainly do now. I mainly drive around on motorways or look after my kids, that’s why I have not had really enough time to make this show good. So I was driving on the M4, it was the day Bin Laden was shot by the Americans and there were all different Americans coming on the radio talking about what they thought about it and it made me think: what we like, collective groups of people, here in society. Here’s four real quotes by real Americans on May the second, the day Bin Laden was shot. This first guy, he’s called Thomas Cox, he’s a construction worker, talking in Times Square on Radio 4, and he said, “I made Photoshop pictures of the Statue of Liberty “holding Osama’s bloody severed head “and handed them out to the crowd. It’s payback.” (LAUGHTER) it’s not, is it? The payback for Osama surely was being shot in the face at pointblank range. Thomas Cox’s offensive collage… (LAUGHTER) It merely adds insult to injury. (LAUGHTER) Bin Laden was buried at sea, you’ll remember. This Thomas Cox goes on, he says, “We should have mounted his head on a spike. “I am hoping that the fish and the crabs are having a good…” (LAUGHTER) That’s never got a laugh before. I’m glad we came to Sheffield. After all, people found the combination of fish and crab amusing here in a way that no other British city has. (LAUGHTER) Erm… It was worth it… But only down here. The people up there… People there, “Fish and crab, who cares?” He said… There isn’t time to improvise tonight, unfortunately, we’re filming it, so I just move on. Otherwise, I could have got 10 minutes out of that fish and crab bit. (LAUGHTER) Hello, Michael? Yes. Are you bringing the Roadshow here to Sheffield? Yeah, fish and crab stuff, they love it. (LAUGHTER) I basically go everywhere first and I sound it out for him. He ignores what I say. (LAUGHING) He, erm… “We should have mounted his head on a spike.” He said, “I’m hoping that the fish and the crabs are having…” No. See, second time… (LAUGHTER) Yeah, only once, though, only once. Don’t milk it. Paul Tonkinson will sort it out for you, all right. Erm… “We should have mounted his head on a spike. “I’m hoping the fish and the crabs are having a good meal on his eyeballs.” Now, it’s a very apposite quote that because as you all know, under Sharia law, if a Muslim man is buried at sea, it is required that their body be protected from the attentions of fish, and I think it was that that this Thomas Cox was alluding to there. (LAUGHTER) If you’ve not seen me before, I don’t think that, I think the opposite of that. (LAUGHTER) Okay? That’s one of the things I do, I… I make a very bold statement about something, but the implication is actually the opposite of… I’m gonna do that about six times tonight, and then later on, about 9:45, I’ll go on about something for too long. (LAUGHTER) That will be later, all right. Now, this next quote from an American called Steven Reginella, again on Radio 4 in Times Square, and he said, “They should have brought Bin Laden’s body here “and hung it from the lamppost. “In fact, they should have roasted him here like a chicken, (LAUGHTER) “so he would have seen what it felt like.” (LAUGHTER) it’s all over the place now, innit? “They should have brought Bin Laden’s body here,” alive, presumably, “and hung it from the lamppost.” What lamppost is that? The New York City designated corpse-roasting lamppost. Who should have done that? They should. Who are they? The New York City designated corpse-roasting team. They don’t do a lot of corpse roasting. Their duties mainly entail maintenance of the corpse-roasting lamppost. “Roast him like a chicken, so he would have seen what it felt like.” (LAUGHTER) “There you are, Bin Laden, on the lamppost, roasting, yeah. ‘Can you see what that feels like?” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) “I can f… I can f… I can feel what it feels like.” (LAUGHTER) “That wasn’t the question. What… “What if we hold this mirror up, a full-length mirror? (LAUGHTER) “Can you see what it feels like now?” (LAUGHTER) “I can see what it looks like?” (LAUGHTER) “This is exactly the kind of unhelpful behaviour we would expect…” Roasted like a chicken. Why? We’ve all roasted a chicken at some point in our lives, haven’t we? No need for this kind of frontier justice, is there? He didn’t have any issues with chickens, did he? Bin Laden? It was the West that he hated, wasn’t it? And our values, not chicken. Imagine if he had hated chickens, Bin Laden. And he deployed the same level of firepower over a 10-year period to the eradication of poultry that he had to Western Democratic systems. I’m not an expert but I think we’d be looking at a very different global geopolitical setup. (LAUGHTER) Again, the laughs are down here for that, aren’t they? Up there, the people down here. People up there going, “What are they laughing at down there?” I’ll tell you. I said, (LAUGHTER) if he’d hated chickens, we’d be looking at a very different global geopolitical setup. And the people down here, I think, they just thought for a second about what that would be like. (LAUGHTER) They imagined it in their own heads. I don’t know what they imagined. Chickens on fire, I don’t know. But the important thing, people’s friends who’ve come by mistake, is they put in an extra bit of effort and they got more laughs out of that in their own heads, but you just sat up there, didn’t you, going, “He’s finished saying that.” (LAUGHTER) Then you had a little think, didn’t you, about something else. “Oh, £90,000 for an apartment in the park.” And then you went, “Oh, what’s… I wonder what he’ll say now.” (LAUGHTER) But you… I don’t… What… I don’t… if you’re sitting there, I’m not one of these who’s gonna act things out. I just do a gag, and I just leave it and I walk away from it, I let people make of it what they will, you know. There’s not… Do you know what I mean? (LAUGHTER) To raise your game. (LAUGHTER) This next quote from an American was on the YouTube. You’ve seen that, where the people film themselves talking. This is an American lady talking to the camera. She said, “I so happy Osama be dead, “I climb stoplight and show my two titties at the crowd. (LAUGHTER) “Everyone be cheering. Everyone be whistling. “I so happy Osama be dead. “My titties be pretty big titties, too. “Osama one holy motherfucker, but he a man, “and I-a say-a he’d-a got a kick “out-a these hot titties.” (LAUGHTER) Word. (LAUGHTER) This last one, this was on the YouTube, as well. A chap running around in one of the big towns there waving a flag, and he said, “They should get Max Hardcore out of jail…” I didn’t know who Max Hardcore was when I heard this quote. He’s a bloke. He’s in violent American pornography. And I didn’t know who he was, so I looked him up on the Internet. Now I’m on the sex offenders registry. (LAUGHTER) Max Har… Max Hardcore. I thought he was just a very efficient builder. (LAUGHTER) This is what he… “They should get Max Hardcore out of jail “to Reverse Cowgirl Osama’s body on the White House lawn. “Max would tear that Muslim faggot’s dead body a new hole. “Know what I’m saying? They should get Max “to Reverse Cowgirl him on the White House lawn “and FedEx the tapes to his family saying, ‘Look at this, you gay cunts. (LAUGHTER) “‘Fuck with America, you’re fucking with God. “‘Prepare to have your assholes ripped open.”‘ (LAUGHTER) I know, it’s amazing. Amazing quote. Now, I don’t think it’s fair to make hard-and-fast generalisations about a whole society based on just four random quotes. But if I was gonna do that… I’d say what have we learned about America from these four quotes? It’s a coun… it’s obsessed with its own blind patriotism, with its own religious fundamentalism, with sexualised violence, and there’s a weird homophobic undercurrent going through some of those quotes, as well. Interesting thing about those four quotes. The second interesting thing about those four quotes, I think, is that of those four quotes, only two of them were made up by me. (LAUGHTER) Such is the depth of your blind anti-American prejudice. (LAUGHTER) You’ve got no idea which ones they are. “They could all be true, Stew! “And if they’re not they should be because that’s what they’re like!” (LAUGHTER) Making stuff up, making up quotes, not good enough, is it? But you know, what can I do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around and look after kids, I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, that’s enough making fun of America and the West. It’s time now to mock Islam and to ridicule individual Muslims. (LAUGHTER) People are very keen on that now. In comedy there was a big piece in the Daily Mail in December by Jan Moir saying there’s not enough anti-Islamic standup in Britain at the moment. Of course, they’re very keen on balance at the Daily Mail. It’s been a watch-word of the paper going way back to the 1930s. (MILD LAUGHTER) I know, it’s a good joke. No one gets it. -(LAUGHTER) – So… it’s an occupational hazard of standup now if you do a joke about anything. And you don’t immediately follow it up with a joke about Islam. People are, “What’s wrong with him?” These are the kind of e-mails you get. This sort of thing. “Dear BBC, I enjoyed Stewart Lee’s making fun “of Chris Moyles on TV last night “and I look forward to him mocking the Prophet Mohammed “in the same way next week. (LAUGHTER) “Yours, Norris McWhirter. (LAUGHTER) “Nuremberg.” (LAUGHTER)     Another one here. “Dear BBC, “I enjoyed watching Stewart Lee making jokes “about crisps last night, “but I doubt we will be seeing him having a go “at any Muslim snacks in the near future. (LAUGHTER) “On the politically correct BBC, “it appears there’s one law for crisps, (LAUGHTER) “and quite another for those mini poppadom things “that they sell in Marks & Spencer’s. (LAUGHTER) “Yours, Norris McWhirter. (LAUGHTER) “Argentina.” Yeah. Well, it’s a later postmark. So, erm… I know, they don’t get it. It’s time… (LAUGHTER) So time to ridicule the Muslim now, in accordance with the Daily Mail‘s demands, and the Muslim we’re gonna be ridiculing tonight is called Mohammed al-Qubaisi. He’s from Dubai, he’s one of the top Muslim guys out there. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, people down there are laughing at that, as well they should because, of course, in Islam, there is no pyramid power structure. (LAUGHTER) So succession of Imams, er, Imams, all with equal power, so the idea of a top Muslim is… (LAUGHTER) Now, anyway this is what he said. Mohammed al-Qubaisi about Bin Laden being buried at sea. He said, “They can say they buried him at sea, “but they cannot say they did it according to Islam. “Sea burials are permissible for Muslims “in extraordinary circumstances only, “and this is not one of them.” (LAUGHTER) Let’s have a quick recap on those circumstances. (LAUGHTER) Osama Bin Laden was shot in the face at pointblank range in front of his family after a possibly illegal American incursion into Pakistani airspace following a 10-year campaign to bring him to justice for flying two hijacked, fully-laden passenger aircraft into the World Trade Center killing literally thousands and thousands of people. What has made this Mohammed al-Qubaisi so jaded? (LAUGHTER) that this does not fit his definition of extraordinary circumstances? What a jaded, jaded man, Sheffield. Not the sort of man you’d wanna have to organise a surprise birthday party for. (LAUGHTER) So that’s the Muslim ridiculed. Time now for some anti-Islamic standup. Jan Moir in the Daily Mail says there’s not enough standup at Islam. There’s loads, actually, if you think about it. There’s Roy “Chubby” Brown, your spiritual king in this region. He, er… (LAUGHTER) He goes round and round doing loads. And Tim Minchin’s done stuff about Islam to stadiums full of people. Of course there’s dozens of British comics of an Islamic background talking about it all the time night after night. So I think really there’s so much standup about Islam, I don’t really know what to bring to the table, so what I’ve been trying to do on this tour is something that has not been done before, I’ve been trying to do observational comedy. Yeah. That’s kind of BBC One, ITV One, sort of. “Oh, look at that,” kind of stuff. (LAUGHTER) I’ve been trying to do observational comedy of a specifically anti-Islamic bent. Yeah. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. I’ve had some good reviews for that. People going, “Brilliant! “Like Islamophobic Michael Mclntyre!” That was good. “Superb! The John Bishop of cultural relativism.” (LAUGHTER) So, here we are now, Sheffield, with some anti-Islamic observational comedy. Anti-Islamic observational comedy. Observational comedy. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) (LEE SIGHS) (MIC POPS) (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) (LOUD LAUGHTER) (SIGHS) (LAUGHTER) Have you seen these Muslims they have now? (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) That’s the end of that bit. (LAUGHTER) People up there are going, “Oh, now it’s picking up.” (LAUGHTER) I’ve got three, erm, anti-Islamic one-liners now that I’m hoping to sell on to Roy “Chubby” Brown. Here they are. (IMITATING BROWN) “Hey, you know, one in two kids born in Britain today is called Mohammad. “And that’s just the girls. I’ve not got the exact figures.” (LAUGHTER) (IMITATING BROWN) “Did you know one in two Islamic hate preachers in Britain today “has got a hook for his hand. I’ve done no research.” (LAUGHTER) (IN HIS OWN VOICE) Do you know one in two people claiming to be a spokesperson for the entire British-Muslim community is, in fact, the unelected leader of a non-democratic special-interest fringe group given ideas above its station by a misguided New Labour community bridge-building initiative? (LAUGHTER) Some laughs. A lot of people going, “What was that? What was that supposed to be?” (LAUGHTER) I’ll tell you what that was, my come-in-error friends, that was the best joke about Islam in Britain anyone has ever done. That’s what that was. It was even-handed. It was informed. It’s what you say you want, isn’t it? You go, “Do stuff about Islam!” I just did. “Not like that, Stew. (LAUGHTER) “Not where you have to know anything. (LAUGHTER) “When we said do stuff about Islam, we meant make fun of their hats.” (LAUGHTER) What can I do? I got nothing. You know, I drive around. I look after kids. I got nothing. But fair enough, for not laughing at that. it’s an edgy subject. It makes people uncomfortable. You’re thinking, “Where is this going?” If you got stuff that makes people uncomfortable what they say on the comedy course is now, they say, take the curse off it. Take the edge off it. Personalise it, yeah? Make it personal to you. So I was walking around with my son, who’s real. (LAUGHTER) I walking around where I live with my son and there was a Muslim lady coming on the road towards us. It’s a very cosmopolitan area, where I live in London, very cosmopolitan area. (MILD LAUGHTER) No, it is. My, er… (LAUGHTER) My dentist… it’s a very cosmopolitan area. My dentist is actually a lesbian. (LAUGHTER) At least, I assume she’s a lesbian because, er, she had me out under general anaesthetic and when I came around, I hadn’t been sexually assaulted. (LAUGHTER) There was some rectal bleeding. (LAUGHTER) You expect that at my age, obviously. (LAUGHTER) Different pockets of laughs, weren’t there, throughout that joke. (LAUGHTER) But never a point where the whole theatre laughed as one. Why not? Not a very good joke, that’s why. (LAUGHTER) Let’s go back over it and see what was wrong with it. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, now it wasn’t clear, was it? What the point of it is. (LAUGHTER) What was I saying? Was I saying, “Hey, guess what? “I’m so attractive my dentist must be a lesbian, otherwise she would have sexually assaulted me when I was unconscious”? Was that the joke? Some people thought so. Or was the joke that I was implying that all dentists are indiscriminate sexual predators. (LAUGHTER) It wasn’t clear, not everyone laughed. So what I did, I don’t know if you noticed, I put an extra bit on the end, didn’t I, about rectal bleeding. (LAUGHTER) And for a lot of you that just tipped the joke over, didn’t it? To be funny enough to laugh at. And that’s an old standup trick, we all do that. If you watch a lot of standup, you see we all do it. Got a joke, not funny enough, put an extra bit on the end about anal rape or rectal bleeding (LAUGHTER) and that will just nudge it into being funny. Old standup trick, extra bit on the end, anal rape, rectal bleeding. We have a name for that technique in the trade, we call it Boyle’s Law. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I was walking along where I live with my son. He’s 4 years old. There’s a Muslim lady coming towards us. Full burka, just her eyes showing and my son, he’s 4. He meant nothing by this. He looked at her and then he said to me, “ls that a ghost?” Right? I thought, “What are you gonna say? What am I gonna say?” So I said to him, “No, it isn’t a ghost. “It’s a lady. She’s religious and she believes in God “and she believes that God wants her to cover her face.” I thought, “That’s all right, say that.” And then my son said, “Why?” (LAUGHTER) It was at that point that I realised I’d reached the limit of my knowledge of Islam. (LAUGHTER) Don’t really know any more about it than that, and the killings and stuff, and neither do you, do you? You don’t know anything about it either. Even those of you of Islamic background are normally quite hazy (LAUGHTER) about the details when pressed. And that’s why it’s so difficult to do jokes with any real depth on the subject. Because there isn’t really enough of a shared collective pool of knowledge between performer and audience to be able to move off the most obvious areas really. So stop sending me your stupid fucking e-mails. (LAUGHTER) “Why?” That’s always the terrible moment in parenting, isn’t it, if you’ve got kids. “Why?” Now, normally, I just say, “Because I say so,” and I leave it at that. But that wouldn’t work in this situation, if you think about it. (LAUGHTER) “God wants her to cover her face.” “Why, Dad?” (LAUGHTER) “Because I say so.” That’s handing a child a lifetime of psychological illness, isn’t it? Forty years later, he’s in therapy. (IN GERMAN ACCENT) “When did you first decide that your father had power over the gods?” (LAUGHTER) Always Spanish, aren’t they, those blokes. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, you like that! The switcheroo! (LAUGHTER) He sounded German, it turned out he was Spanish. (LAUGHTER) Not impossible, is it? Could have been born in Spain, trained in Germany, come over here to work. (LAUGHTER) Maybe it’s not such a funny situation after all. You have to watch out, some of the jokes are traps. (LAUGHTER) They are not meant to be laughed at. You walked into it. (LAUGHTER) Why? I mean, 10 years ago I wouldn’t have faffed around trying to say the right thing. I’d just have said to him, “it’s because she’s religious “and that’s the same as being mentally ill.” (LAUGHTER) But the problem is now, right, my wife, his mother, who I love, she’s proper religious kinda church Catholic. So these days, I have to maintain a gossamer-thin false veil (LAUGHTER) of painfully begrudged tolerance for people’s mad beliefs. (LAUGHTER) (IN AMERICAN ACCENT) If I wanted to make me a fucking sandwich. (AS ANNOUNCER) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Just for Laughs, the 95th Montreal International Comedy Festival, bringing you the best of North American standup. (AMERICAN ACCENT) So I said to my wife, “Shut up, bitch! “Suck my dick, lick my ass “and make me a fucking sandwich!” (LAUGHTER) That’s all it is for two weeks. (LAUGHTER) First week in English, second week in French. (LAUGHTER) Weirdly, in French, that sentence sounds rather delightful. (LAUGHTER) Listen. (LAUGHTER) “Tais-toi, salope. (LAUGHTER) “Caresse mon cu! avec ta langue, (LAUGHTER) “caresse ma bitte avec tes lévres, (LAUGHTER) “et quand tu as fini, sois gentille “et fais-moi un putain de delicieuse baguette (LAUGHTER) “Et en plus, je saignat de mon anus. ” (LAUGHTER) No? (LAUGHTER) – Right. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Heh, er… Okay, usually when we’re not filming the show, that joke goes so well that I end the first half on that. (LAUGHTER) “Je saignat de mon anus. ” People, “Yeah! Brilliant.” (LAUGHTER) Callback in French. Applause. People go, “Yeah!” And I go, “Yeah, that’s the end of that.” (LAUGHTER) You can’t end it like that, can you? You can’t end it with 500 Sheffield people just looking at you. (LAUGHTER) Can I have about five minutes, yeah? We got enough tape. (LAUGHTER) Right, okay. I’m gonna explain what the joke is. I’m gonna do it again. (LAUGHTER) Because I want to end… I want to… You know I said I wasn’t gonna do anything differently just because we’re filming it? I am gonna do this differently because it’d be really awkward, you know. It’s been a high point, that side of Sheff… I don’t know. Okay. (LAUGHTER) “Je saignat de mon anus, ” right? That is a callback to the idea that you put a bit about rectal bleeding on the end of a joke to… “Je saignat de mon anus” that’s, “I’m bleeding from my anus” in French, right? And it was about three minutes ago, the set-up for that. (LAUGHTER) I tell you what… I got this comic, Hils Barker, to translate that, and she said, Je saignat de mon “an-nu”. And I said to her, I’m gonna say “ay-nus”. Because then people will have no excuse for not… (LAUGHTER) We don’t do languages here, so… Erm… Even if it’s obvious what the words mean. It’s a point of principle. Erm… (LAUGHS) Er… Okay, it doesn’t matter, but… (LAUGHTER) Forget that. We’ll dub a big… You’ll see this when it’s made. There’ll be a huge laugh dubbed on. It won’t matter. (LAUGHTER) I’ll cut away to a football stadium of people. (LAUGHTER) I’ll get some footage from Michael McIntyre’s video, cut it in. (LAUGHTER) Okay, the worry is, though, that there is a whole second half to come, right, (LAUGHTER) and that was just three minutes, that callback. And the problem is the second half is all things that relate back to the first half. (LAUGHTER) And I don’t know if up there, you’ve been… I don’t know what’s gone in. I think the problem is that (LAUGHTER) people today, especially young people actually, you’re used to watching little tiny things on your phones and stuff, aren’t you, and short things. This isn’t a succession of moments. This show is a continuum, right, it’s like a narrative. So it’s not, like… When I’ve said something, you can’t go, “Oh, he said that, I’ll erase that from my mind.” You might come back… it’s like if you meet someone in life. You’re not, “I’ve met them, I’ll forget them now.” (LAUGHTER) Well, anyway, so… And I don’t know what’s gone in, it doesn’t matter but if… I don’t… I really wanted to film this here, because it was so good here before and I don’t know what’s happened tonight. it’s okay, but it’s not… So I’m just gonna go back… I’m just gonna go back over the first half. (LAUGHTER) Not every line of it! I’m just gonna flag up things that you should have noticed. (LAUGHTER) And then when we get to edit this, if the second half is still not really good, I won’t be looking and thinking, “Oh, I could have…” I’ll have done whatever I could have done, yeah, to… (LAUGHTER) You with it? Okay, so I… I came out, didn’t I, at the beginning. (LAUGHTER) I did. (LAUGHTER) Remember when there was no one here? (LAUGHTER) And then I was here, that’s when I came out. (LAUGHTER) I know you didn’t… Because you were talking with your friend. Going, “Oh… “I went down to The Moor today.” (LAUGHTER) With me, I think about everything, and there was loud rock music. Amon Duul II, that was, from Germany. And I went, “Oh don’t…” I went, “Oh, don’t play that. That’s too loud.“ Play something funny in the second half. I always get them to play that music. (LAUGHTER) it’s setting up a joke for the start of the second half. You’ll see when I come back on. (LAUGHTER) So I came out and I talked about… I did sort of topical stuff, didn’t I, about five minutes of topical stuff. I expect some of you were going, “We don’t need to listen to this. “It’s sort of warm-up stuff.” You’re very wrong because it was. it’s… (LAUGHTER) It looked very casual, didn’t it? “And what about this bit of news?” But it all was about ideas of idealised societies, wasn’t it, if you think about it. And that’s what I wanted you to log from that. I don’t know if that went in. Then I did about 10 minutes, I read out things other people said in a sarcastic voice and it was funny. (LAUGHTER) Yes, it was, you all laughed. (LAUGHTER) You can’t go, “That’s all it was,” and withdraw your laughter. You can’t. Then I did about 15 minutes on something funny my son said, didn’t I? That was about Islam, it was quite interesting. But at the end of the day, what kind of a routine was that? Oh, dear, it was a Don’t Kids Say The Funniest Things? routine. (LAUGHTER) And if you’re a 44-year-old standup and you’re in Sheffield on a Friday night talking about something funny your kid said, you should kill yourself right there. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) But what can I do? I’ve got nothing. I’ve got no stuff. I drive around, I look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I have no experiences. I don’t know about anything to talk about. I drive round and round. Hundred and fifty nights I was on the road last year, you know. I’m not complaining. I’m very lucky to be able to do this and I enjoy performing, you know. Not tonight, obviously. (LAUGHTER) it’s not enjoyable. It’s interesting. Not enjoyable. It’s like being trapped in a thicket. (LAUGHTER) Trying to get out, you know. It’s an interesting problem. It’s not fun, is it? Hundred and fifty nights and I… You know, I used to like that in the ’80s, going around, but now, everywhere is the same, you know. Sheffield is quite interesting. It keeps changing. It’ll be nice when you’ve decided what it’s supposed to be, I think. (LAUGHTER) That place, The Park, I remember when that was awful. That’s brilliant now, isn’t it? You know, you never know… But most places are just… They’re all the same now. There’s an old bit that was like a Victorian slum, that’s now the bit everyone wants to live in. Then there’s a ’70s bit that was the bit everyone liked in the ’70s is now the bit everyone hates. And in that bit, there’s a Poundland, a Superdrug and a branch of The Works. (LAUGHTER) In every town. And The Works, to be honest, that’s the only thing to me that’s interesting about travelling around Britain now, going in The Works. Because you never have any idea what’s gonna be in The Works. (LAUGHTER) Sort of stocked at random. (LAUGHTER) it’s nominally a bookshop, but it appears to be run by people who have a deep-seated suspicion of books. (LAUGHTER) And they’ll do anything they can to stock anything other than a book. (LAUGHTER) You go in The Works, “ls this a bookshop?” “Yes.” “Have you got Ragnarok, by A.S. Byatt. It’s won lots of awards?” “No.” (LAUGHTER) “Have you got this new book, Savage Continent, “about the aftermath of World War II? It’s been…” “No, no.” “Have you got any novels by Dan Rhodes? He has a new novel out. “A novelist. Everyone thinks he’s good.” “No.” “Have you got a triple pack of 1930s Belgian horror films, (LAUGHTER) “a 1998 Richard Bacon calendar, (LAUGHTER) “and a papier-maché Make Your Own Concentration Camp craft book? (LAUGHTER) “Oh, we’ve got them, yeah. “And they’re on a three for the price of two offer at the moment.” Apart from The Works, going around the country is just… Going back to the same places year after year, it makes you feel… Twenty-five years makes you think about your own mortality, your own life. I’ll give you an example of what I mean. My dad, for example. My dad is dead now, but my dad was a rep for a cardboard company. And he spent 50 years driving around the motorways, showing people samples of cardboard. Not real cardboard, obviously. Samples of what cardboard could be like. (LAUGHTER) I think about him, I think about me. I’ve spent 25 years driving around the motorways showing people samples of jokes. (LAUGHTER) Not, er… (LAUGHTER) Do you see how impossible it is to work this room? Because I… No… You can’t because… Down here, I don’t even need to finish that joke off. They… They’ve thought, “Oh, yeah, samples of jokes. “That will be the same as samples of cardboard. “Samples of what jokes could be like.” But up there, you’re just going, “Why is he talking about cardboard?” it’s actually not do-able. (LAUGHTER) There’s very… Because down here, this is like a vision of a… This is what it could be like, you know? (LAUGHTER) Where you don’t… You’re not like some dick, like, doing jokes, you’re just putting an idea out there and they play around with it and it comes back to you. It’s like a dialogue, like a vision of a Utopian… And then up there… (LAUGHTER) it’s never gonna be that because of… it’s extremely fru… Particularly tonight, it’s frustrating that this would happen when it’s being filmed, because you can feel… This could be the best… It is within sight of being the best standup that’s ever been filmed. (LAUGHTER) But it won’t be because about a third of the room… That’s why I came back here. I love this theatre. This is the… Two or three years ago this was the biggest room I’d ever played. I thought, “I’ll go to Sheffield, I’ll do it there.” And it’s not… it’s… What’s so frustrating, twenty-five years and I have been… Every year, I build up, getting them people. I don’t know what’s gone wrong. I don’t know what’s gone wrong. (LAUGHTER) You can feel, down here, it’s like a different thing. You can feel down here. I wish I was dead. (LAUGHTER) Not dead. I wish I was a dead comedian. Because you love dead comedians, don’t you, all of you. You love the dead comedians, don’t you? Oh, Frank Carson. Oh, dead. Brilliant, Frank Carson. He’s dead. Oh, Ken Goodwin. Oh, dead Ken Goodwin. Oh, he’s brilliant. The middle class people. Oh, dead Bill Hicks. Oh, Bill Hicks. Dead Bill Hicks. Oh, he was brilliant. I wish I was dead Bill Hicks. (LAUGHTER) I wish I could be judged on two hours of material. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Lazy, dead, fat Bill Hicks. It’d be easy to be dead Bill… it’s easy being dead. (LAUGHTER) The hard thing, if you’re a comedian, is to stay alive. (LAUGHTER) People knocking out a new two hours every year, gradually decreasing the quality of your own obituary. (LAUGHTER) This is an incredibly frustrating situation for the… To be filming tonight and to have this… It makes me feel impotent, you know. Powerless. No control. Of course, my wife wants me to have a vasectomy. (LAUGHTER) Though even she admits there isn’t really any pressing need. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUES, APPLAUSE) Do you feel… When you’ve been married a long time, anyone, do you feel that your partner stops viewing you as a sexual being? Do you find that? Sheffield? (LAUGHTER) I do. (LAUGHTER) As an example of what I mean, I’ve been married seven years. Six years ago, we’d been married a year. I went off to work in Germany for two months. And while I was there I ran out of pants, yeah? Now like a lot of men, I don’t really know where my pants come from. (LAUGHTER) I always seem to have some, but I don’t remember ever buying any. (LAUGHTER) So I bought some pants in Hannover. German pants. Blue pants with yellow stars on them. I got back to London, one year of marriage, and my wife said to me, “You bought new pants. Are you having an affair?” (LAUGHTER) Which is funny but it’s also… it’s good. Because within that is the suggestion that I could have an affair. That someone could desire me, that I could desire someone as a sexual being in her eyes. Six years later, seven years of marriage, I’ve been on this tour for months. I ran out of pants. I bought some new pants in Lincoln, I think. Lincoln pants. (LAUGHTER) Green ones, you know. (LAUGHTER) They didn’t have any other colours. (LAUGHTER) It hides the stains, doesn’t it? Of my urine, which is green for the purposes of this… (LAUGHTER) I got some new pants, six years of marriage later, seven years of marriage. And my wife said, “Oh, you’ve bought new pants. “Did you shit yourself at work?” (LAUGHTER) It doesn’t give me any pleasure to get such big laughs off a… A “shit your pants” joke. (LAUGHTER) Not when some of the good stuff has gone to nothing. (LAUGHTER) And when there’s people who have brought their friends and they’ll be saying to them afterwards. They said to them before they brought them, “He’s like a post-modern… “He’s very clever, he deconstructs the art of perform…” And then their friends are going, “I like the shitted pants bit.” (LAUGHTER) What can you do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around, I look after kids. I didn’t want to end the first half on a shitted pants bit. (LAUGHTER) I wanted to end it on a callback in French. (LAUGHTER) But you wouldn’t have that, would you? You get the shows you deserve. (LAUGHTER) That’s it, that’s how the first half ends. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) STEWART LEE: Please welcome back, Stewart Lee. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (SILLY MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER) it’s not really what I… Thank you for coming back. So many of you. Now when my son said, er… “ls that a ghost?” Yeah? (LAUGHTER) From the first half. He’s not mad, okay? What it is, his main thing that he likes is Scooby Doo, right? And he watches Scooby Doo all the time on TV and DVD. So consequently he’s on the lookout for Scooby Doo stuff in his life. Like monsters, ghosts, vampires, pirates, zombies, whatever, because he watches Scooby Doo all the time. And consequently I watch Scooby Doo all the time as well because I do a lot of the child care. By which I mean I watch TV with him. (LAUGHTER) I care for him that way. So I watch Scooby Doo all the time, that’s what I mainly do. I mean, drive around doing gigs or watch Scooby Doo with a child. Consequently, I don’t know about anything. I don’t have any experiences or know about anything at all. I just know about Scooby Doo and driving around and Scooby Doo. I mean, you know… If you’ve seen me, you know, a couple of years ago here, when I was good, erm… (LAUGHTER) by now I would have talked about Franz Kafka and ancient history and all, like, amazing stuff that happened to me. But I don’t know about anything any more. Just don’t have any interests or experiences. You know, I mean, in the last 18 months, for example, I’ve only seen two films. I’ve seen Archipelago, which is an art film about middle class people on a disappointing holiday. (LAUGHTER) And I’ve seen a 70-minute cartoon called Scooby Doo and the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island (LAUGHTER) a hundred and eighty times. (LAUGHTER) And I now know more about Scooby Doo and the Pirate Zombie Jungle Island than I do about any other aspect of human culture or history, and I hear the pirate zombies when I sleep and I see the Jungle Islands in my dreams, and that’s all that I really know about. I don’t know about anything else any more. And it’s very difficult being a standup only knowing about a pirate zombie jungle island. Because I might see something, “I could write a routine about that!” But I can’t because I can only think of it in terms of a pirate zombie jungle island. And that’s not of interest to people. So I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) You seen those rope bridges in the jungle? (LAUGHTER) Yeah? Come on, we’ve all seen them, yeah? The jungle? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I’m talking about. The jungle canyon rope bridges, yeah? Over the canyons in the jungle, the rope bridges. They’re… The thing… With all the planks, yeah. The thing about them that I’ve noticed, the jungle canyon rope bridges. Yeah, they’re always broken, aren’t they? Have you noticed that? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, all the planks are all smashed and all the vines are all frayed and hanging. Why? Why are the jungle canyon… Why? That’s what I wanna know. Why are the jungle canyon rope bridges always broken? Tory cuts. (LAUGHTER) They don’t care about the jungle canyon rope bridges. They don’t use them, do they, the Tories? Flying around in helicopters and chauffeur-driven cars. They pretend to be like us, don’t they? But every now and again, the mask slips, doesn’t it, when they pretend to be like us, the Tories. Remember what David Cameron said about his wife Samantha when he was pretending to be like us? He said, “In many ways Samantha is a very ordinary girl. “She once used a jungle canyon rope bridge.” (LAUGHTER) Did she fuck! Because they’ re always broken, aren’t they? Didn’t used to be like that, did it? In the old days, in the ’40s, in the ’50s, after the war. Back then, the jungle canyon rope bridges, you could see your face in them, couldn’t you? Yeah. The planks were all shiny. The vines were tight, weren’t they? After the war, ’40s, ’50s, post-war socialist Utopia, contract with the people, call the midwife, etc., etc. Yeah? Remember what William Beveridge said in 1942, architect of the post-war socialist democracy? This is what he said, 1942, William Beveridge, he said, “All mystery investigating teenagers…” (LAUGHTER) “…and dogs…” Dogs? (LAUGHTER) Dog. Dog… You’ve seen that on Scooby Doo, when they go, “Is that your dog?” And he goes, “Dog?” Like that. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. He thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo. He’s very indignant about being called a dog. They go, “Would your dog like a drink?” He goes, “Dog?” Like that, as if… You have to watch it a lot! (LAUGHTER)     He thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo. Not a dog. Although weirdly he is always sexually aroused by female dogs. (LAUGHTER) Female dog comes in, his heart’s going like that. So he thinks he’s a human, Scooby Doo, but with very low self-esteem. (LAUGHTER) William Beveridge, 1942, architect, post-war socialist democratic Utopian vision of a better tomorrow. This is what he said. He said “All mystery investigating teenagers “and dogs…” Dogs? “Of working age…” Yeah, remember? “…should pay “a weekly national insurance contribution.” That’s what he said. “And in return “all the jungle canyon rope bridges (LAUGHTER) “will be fully maintained in a safe condition.” That’s what he said, William Beveridge, 1942. Not like that now, is it, Sheffield? Worse if anything, wasn’t it? In the ’80s under Thatcher, yeah, remember? Now I know it was pretty bad here in the ’80s under Thatcher. Pretty bad where I grew up, in the Midlands, in Birmingham. In Birmingham, in the ’80s under Thatcher, the jungle canyon rope bridges, well, there weren’t any, basically. (LAUGHTER) You go out in the ’80s, in Birmingham, under Thatcher and you go, “I’ll just cross over this canyon.” There’d be nothing there. (LAUGHTER) Just an empty cliff with some stakes hammered in the top of it. No bridge, just all torn vines hanging down, blowing in the wind. And then you’d look down over the, down in the canyon, in Birmingham, in the ’80s, under Thatcher, and there’d be all the Birmingham people all fallen down there. (LAUGHTER) Dead from the fall, but with third-degree burns because on the way down, they spilled the hot Bovril on themselves. Yeah? (LAUGHTER) Yeah, all the Birmingham people in the ’80s under Thatcher walking along, mug of hot Bovril in one hand, tin pail in the other, a tin pail full of faggots. Noddy Holder from Slade controls the faggot supply. (LAUGHTER) Walking along in the ’80s, the Birmingham people under Thatcher, mug of boiling-hot Bovril, tin pail of faggots. “I’ll just go over this rope bridge. Ah, there isn’t one! “Ah, I’m falling down. “Oh, I’ve spilt all this Bovril on me, ahhh!” (LAUGHTER) Dead in the canyon, yeah? People up there, they’re going, “Oh, this routine has gone on a bit long. (LAUGHTER) “I expect he’ll stop doing it and talk about something else.” No, I won’t do that. (LAUGHTER) it’s picked up, though, hasn’t it, from earlier. Better atmosphere now. What happens is, at halftime, people have a little chat with their friends and they go, “What do you think?” “I like it.” “I do as well, then.” (LAUGHTER) They make me sick, people like that. I’d rather you just sat there hating it than have lied. Bare it. You’re all right, aren’t you? Picked up. The worse crowds are, erm… London, the week before Christmas. It’s a waste of time. People just go out at random to anything. I normally sell stuff after the show. I wasn’t gonna bother tonight. I might do now, if it’s been all right. (LAUGHTER) Well, you don’t just wanna sit there with loads of people filing past spitting at you. But it’ll be all right. It’ll be all right. And I was selling stuff in London afterwards at Christmas and I heard a young girl, about 20, and she went, “I didn’t really… I didn’t really get that stuff about “the jungle canyon rope bridges, to be honest,” she said, “because I wasn’t born in the ’80s.” (LAUGHTER) Ah, it’s heartbreaking, innit? As a young woman, she’s thinking, “if only I’d been born in the ’80s.” Do you remember when there was a funding deficit, at both national and regional level, for the provision of jungle canyon rope bridges? (LAUGHTER) Young people are idiots, aren’t they? I can’t… I hate them. I can’t stand anyone under 40. (LAUGHTER) Now if you’re young, why would you come to this, you know, old man wandering around? (LAUGHTER) You got your own things, haven’t you, young people. Circuses and fairs, that’s what you got. (LAUGHTER) Sticks with balloons tied to them. (LAUGHTER) Remember the canyons in the ’80s under Thatcher? Not the rope bridges, we’ve done with that now. Remember the canyons in the Thatcher days? Down here, you remember them a bit, don’t you? Some of you. I’ll just talk to you. (LAUGHTER) The canyons under Thatcher, they were… They were infested, weren’t they? Remember the infestations in the canyons in the Thatcher days? In the ’80s, they were infested, weren’t they? The canyons. In the ’80s, under Thatcher, with, er, pirate zombies? (LAUGHTER) Remember all the pirate zombies in the canyons in the Thatcher days? Yeah? I’ll just talk to you. I won’t bother with them. Remember the canyons, the pirate zombies, you’d look down, wouldn’t you? In the canyon, there’d be all pirate zombies, argh, one arm. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. Why? Why were the… Why were the canyons in the ’80s under Thatcher infested with pirate zombies? (LAUGHTER) Privatisation. (LAUGHTER) Well, it was, wasn’t it? Didn’t affect the shareholders, did it, if the… If the canyons were infested with pirate zombies or not. No. The shareholders’ dividends were ring fenced against pirate zombie infestation. (LAUGHTER) Remember what Thatcher… it’s the last bit of this routine now. (LAUGHTER) Remember what Thatcher said in the ’80s about the jungle canyon rope bridges? She didn’t care. Yeah, you remember, don’t you? People are going, “Yeah, we remember.” What a good crowd they are, right? Because what the people down here are doing, is they bought into the idea even though the idea of this routine is I’m pretending that in the ’80s there was an issue about (LAUGHTER) jungle canyon rope bridges, a satire of Thatcher economic social policy. The people down here, they’ve decided to play the part of an audience from a parallel universe where that was true. (LAUGHTER) And they go, “Yeah, I remember that.” Ugh. You’re nowhere near that, are you? You’re not even approaching there. They’re confident enough, they got the jokes in the first half, now they’ve decided to experiment with taking on different personalities. (LAUGHTER) See if they can still get the jokes whilst in character. (LAUGHTER) They’re running rings around you. I’m telling you. Remember what Thatcher said in the ’80s about the jungle canyon rope bridges? “Yeah, we do. Yeah.” This is what she said. Thatcher, yeah? She said, “A mystery investigating teenager or dog…” Dog? (LAUGHTER) They like that. They like “dog” in a high voice up there. That’s your favourite bit, isn’t it? Me saying “dog” in a high voice. It’s not my favourite bit of this routine. You wanna know… My favourite bit of this routine is the phrase, “The shareholders’ dividends were ring fenced “against pirate zombie infestation.” But no one up there was laughing at that. (LAUGHTER) Which confirms to me the suspicion that for most of the evening, we’ve been talking at cross purposes. (LAUGHTER) This is what she said, Thatcher. She said, “A mystery investigating teenager or dog…” Dog? “…Who beyond the age of 26,” remember this one, “finds himself “still using a jungle canyon rope bridge…” This is what she said, Thatcher. “…Can count himself a failure in life.” That’s what she said. Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher, Thatcher, the jungle canyon rope bridge snatcher. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) Don’t clap that. (LAUGHTER) Scooby Doo-Thatcher routine. Jesus. A waste of time. (LAUGHTER) You know what’s awful about that. In 1986, when I started writing comedy with Richard Herring, you should know. Erm… We made a list of 10 things that we thought were too cliched to do jokes about. In 1986. And two of the things on that list of 10 things in 1986 was Scooby Doo and Thatcher. (LAUGHTER) We all grow up, don’t we, to become the thing we despised as teenagers. No. What can I do? I’ve got nothing. I drive around. I look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I have to do whatever comes to hand, you know. Nothing. I rang up a lot of the young comics to ask them what to do. Yeah, you seen them? All these young comedians they have now. All the Russells. You’ve seen them? They’re all called Russell. All these Russells. Yeah, loads of them. Loads and loads of Russells. You strike one down, another springs up in its path. (LAUGHTER) They’re like the skeletons in Jason And The Argonauts. (LAUGHTER) But skinnier. And with less joy behind their eyes. (LAUGHTER) So I rang them up. I rang up all the Russells in their hutch. (LAUGHTER) I said, “Hey, you Russells, Russell, Russell, Russell.” I said to them, “I got no material. What should I do?” And he said, “Never mind, just run around.” (LAUGHTER) I’ve got nothing. I drive around, I look after kids. I got nothing. I got no ideas. This show opened in November in London. In October, I’d got no ideas what to put in it. I was desperate. I used to go out in the afternoon and drive round and round the North Circular Road in London just hoping something funny would happen to me. (LAUGHTER) But it didn’t. I just ended up with loads of ideas for routines about the names of shops I’d seen at the side of the road. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER) So I was driving around the North Circular, yeah? And I drove past World of Leather. I thought, “World of Leather!” Imagine if it was a world made out of leather. I hope it is. There might be five minutes in it. (LAUGHTER) So I went into World of Leather, but it was just a shop. (LAUGHTER) I went up to the World of Leather. man, he wasn’t made out of leather. It was just made up of all skin and hair and stuff. I said to him, “Hey, I thought this would be a World of Leather.” And he said, “How would that work?” (LAUGHTER) I said, “You get a leather chair like that, roll it over on its side. “You got a leather hill.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “Get out.” (LAUGHTER) I was desperate. I go back in the car, I went south down the North Circular. West along the A40 towards Oxford past World of Golf. I thought, “Yes, World of Golf! “Imagine if it was a world made out of golf! I hope it is. “I hope it is. There might be five minutes in it.” I went in to World of Golf but it’s just a shop. I went up to the World of Golf man, he wasn’t made out of golf. He was just made up of old meat, of water, 95%, did you know that? 95% water, all of us, and yet they say there’s a shortage. (LAUGHTER) I said to him, “Hey, I thought this would be a World of Golf.” He said, “How would that work?” I said, “You get golf clubs, stick them in the ground like that. “They’re like trees. (LAUGHTER) “Golf bag kicked over on its side, it’s like a cave. (LAUGHTER) “Golf balls, “they’d be things in nature, that are white and round. (LAUGHTER) “Like the moon. Or a worm’s egg on the rim of a cat’s bottom.” (LAUGHTER) And he said, “I’m gonna have to stop you there.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “This is World of Golf.” “What you’re describing is World of Golf Equipment.” (LAUGHTER) Golf is an abstract noun. (LAUGHTER) “Get out.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “I don’t care. I don’t even like golf. I hate it.” I was desperate. I got back in the car. I drove east along the A40, north up the North Circular. To Staples Corner. Office World. There’s an Office World. “Oh, I hope it’s a world made out of offices!” I went in the car park, and the Office World man came running across the tarmac towards me. The Office World man and he had a typewriter for a head. (LAUGHTER) And staplers for hands. And mou… Mouse, mice… Mouse mats, mouse mice mats for feet. And a desk tidy pen holding thing for his heart. (LAUGHTER) And he had a Balamory ruler for his cock. (LAUGHTER) With Miles Jupp’s face on it. (LAUGHTER) And he had a… A pen lid, yeah? Yeah, you know, a pen lid on a pen? A pen lid, yeah? That was his nose. A pen lid nose. And he had a… You know those little stickers, about that big, white? Little white stickers, round. You push the middle out like a Polo. Like a flat Polo-dimensioned sticker and use them for reinforcing a flimsy document in a binder, yeah? You seen these little white Polo stickers. He had about a million of them, yeah. And they were his mind. (LAUGHTER) All of your thoughts, yeah? Going round. Then he had a little… You know, a bit, a piece of string about that long, green, like wool, fibrous like wool is. With a tag on either end. Treasury tags, little metal tags on either end. He had about a thousand of them all tied up in a big spiral and that was his DNA. (LAUGHTER) Inside him, subatomic, Crick and Watson. Yeah, DNA. And he had, er, rubber, yeah, and that was his brain. And he had a… I don’t think they make these any more, actually. Like a black dial with letters and numbers on it. Black, in a housing, a printer housing. Remember these? You feed a… You feed a strip of… Remember this? Yeah. Huh? Yeah. You can’t get them now can you? No. You feed a strip of, like plastic through. You print out words to make a label for a desk or whatever. Anyway, not that. Forget about that. I’m not just… (LAUGHTER) Did you have one? You remember the strip that went through it? I’m not interested in the printer thing or the top part of the strip. What I’m talking about underneath the strip there was a… What? A thing that you tore off. Remember? To protect the sticky part of it. Underneath a thin, a transparent strip that you tore off the… That. That is what I’m talking about. (LAUGHTER) A transparent strip. He had that cut up into loads of much smaller, thinner strips and they were like, you know when you go, er, when you can see all bacteria in your eyes. (LAUGHTER) And he had a pencil sharpener. You know them pencil sharpeners? You put a pencil in it, don’t you? To sharpen it up. Yeah? Pencil sharpener, yeah? The pencil goes in, turn it around, it comes out sharp. A pencil sharpener, you’ve seen them. That was his anus. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, I said to him, “What’s going on here?” (LAUGHTER) He said, “Well, I heard you were coming.” (LAUGHTER) “So I quickly underwent all these painful “and expensive surgical procedures, “having parts of my body replaced with stationery. “Some of which is no Ion er 9 commercially available.” (LAUGHTER) “I had to stay up late and bid for it on e-Bay. (LAUGHTER) “And I did all this,” he said, “with a view “towards thwarting your attempts to get material out of coming here.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “Well, you didn’t thwart it, did you?” Demonstrably, I said to him, “I got about four or five minutes out of it.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “I thwarted it in the long run,” he said. I said, “How?” He said, “Well,” “You’re a professional comic I’m not gonna patronise you.” He said, “You know the rule of three.” I said, “That’s right. Any list of things, “funny things, should be three things long. “The third one should be the funniest.” He said, “That’s right. “So you should have done three of the things. “The third one should have been either the Balamory ruler penis “or the pencil sharpener anus,” he said. “But only the pencil sharpener anus, “if you’d had the foresight to tie it back in to the bleeding.” (LAUGHTER) But he said… “What I did,” he said, “You should have gone in there, 1, 2, 3, out.” “What I did,” he said, “was I had way more surgical procedures done “than I knew would be optimally funny.” (LAUGHTER) “But knowing your work,” he said, “I’ve seen you and I know how you work,” “I knew that you would feel obliged to list them all.” (LAUGHTER) “And that would mean that while there were pockets “of hilarity in the room, “on the whole, a list that long “would cause the trust and energy in the room to dissipate.” (LAUGHTER) So I’ve got nothing. (LAUGHTER) I drive around and look after kids. I’ve got nothing. I thought I’d copy some of the award-winning standup shows. The shows that are winning awards now. Copy them, yeah? The shows that are winning awards now. The sad standup shows. That’s the new thing, sad standup shows. “Oh, my dad’s dead.” “Oh, I’ve had chemotherapy.” “Oh, I’ve got divorced.” “Oh, I’m adopted.” You seen these sort of shows? They won’t be in a place like this. They’ll be in little art centres and whatever. Plus by the time a comedian’s playing here, er, creatively spent, normally. (LAUGHTER) Little, yeah, sad comedy shows and then at the end a bit of sad music comes in. Clair de la Lune or something like that. And the comedian goes, “but despite everything, I learned that life’s like…” You know. You’ve seen these? Sad comedy shows? No? You don’t know what I’m talking about? You’re not a comedy crowd, are you really? (LAUGHTER) Russell Kane’s done one. You’ve heard of him. He’s on the telly a lot. No? He’s done one about his dad dying? He’s done a sad, award winning standup show about his dad dying. His dad dies and then he goes a bit mad and then he becomes famous, and then he ends up getting off with loads of glamour models. It’s about how awful that was for him. (LAUGHTER) I’ve not seen it. Actually my wife saw it, Russell Kane’s show about his dad dying, and she said it was great. She said what was brilliant about it was you weren’t expecting it because it was a comedy but at the end, she said, it was actually very moving and she was crying. And I said to her, “You were crying at the end of a standup show?” She said, “Yeah.” I said, “Well, it’s not any good then, is it?” (LAUGHTER) You know, I’m from the ’80s admittedly, right? I’m old-school, but I think if you go and see a comedian and at the end you’re crying, right? That is someone who cannot do their job. (LAUGHTER) But like I said, I haven’t seen Russell Kane’s show about his dad dying. I’m sure it’s very good. What I am impressed by about it, though, is the fact that he managed to not resolve his grief for long enough to tour it commercially. (LAUGHTER) “Oh, my dad’s dead.” Oh, shut up. Shut up and give your award back, idiot. (LAUGHTER) All our dads are dead, aren’t they? All our dads die. We all die. What are we? We’re just meat being shoveled into a grave. (LAUGHTER) Do you wanna hear that on a night out? (LAUGHTER) Sad comedy shows. It makes me sick. Sad. What a… Sad. Sad… What an insult to ordinary people in a recession. (LAUGHTER) “Yeah, let’s go out.” “Oh, I’ve just lost my job. I’m so depressed. “I’ll go and see the comedian to cheer me up. “Count out all the money for the emergency. (LAUGHTER) “Where is it on at? Oh, the O2, that’s 47 pounds. (LAUGHTER) “And parking, that’s 30 pounds. “And we’ll need a baseball hat with the comedian’s face on it. (LAUGHTER) “We’ve just got enough. Oh, great. Ha, ha, ha, I’m crying now.” (LAUGHTER) Sad comedy. “I’ve only got one arm.” “Oh, fuck off back to New Zealand.” (LAUGHTER) You’re not even real. People doing… I could do a sad comedy show. Loads of awful things have happened to me. Adopted, divorced parents, 65,000 born-again Christians tried to send me to prison. You don’t see me doing standup shows about that. (LAUGHTER) Because I’ve got some self, I’ve got some dignity and self-respect. People doing shows about themselves. How self-indulgent is that? (LAUGHTER) I couldn’t do a show about myself if I wanted to. I don’t know who I am. Who am I? I don’t know. We’re defined by what we do. I don’t do anything. I drive around and look after kids. (LAUGHTER) You couldn’t do a standup show about that. (LAUGHTER) People wouldn’t stand for it. (LAUGHTER) I don’t know who… I don’t know… Lee Mack knows who he is, doesn’t he? Lee Mack. Four and half million people watching, they come up to him on the street. “Are you Lee Mack?” “Yeah, I am.” People come up to me and they go, “Are you Terry Christian?” (LAUGHTER) “The bloke from UB40.” (LAUGHTER) “What’s Tanita Tikaram doing in the gents?” (LAUGHTER) “I thought Kim Jong-Il was dead.” (LAUGHTER) Impossible. I… All that’s happened to me since I went on telly is half a million more people now insist to my face that I’m someone else. (LAUGHTER) Right here this afternoon in the square in Sheffield getting all these carpets in. And… (MILD LAUGHTER) They’re not here normally, those. (LAUGHTER) We have to get… We brought them. We have to get them in. They don’t get themselves in, do they? I’m not the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. (LAUGHTER) Anyway, a bloke came up to me and he went, “it’s you, isn’t it?” I went, “Yeah!” He goes, “What are you doing here?” I said, “I’m doing a standup show “in the theatre here in Sheffield tonight.” He said, “Really? “Shouldn’t you be at the Hague war crimes tribunal?” (LAUGHTER) He thought I was General Ratko Mladic. The genocidal Serbian warlord. (LAUGHTER) He’s 67 years old. (LAUGHTER) it’s an impossible situation He’s going, “it’s you, isn’t it?” I was going, “Yeah.” The only dignified way out of it is to allow him to continue to think I am General Ratko Mladic. (LAUGHTER) He said, “Shouldn’t you be at the Hague war crimes tribunal?” I went, “Oh, no, you know…” (LAUGHTER) The woman out there, she did the form in wrong. She wrote over the line. She went, “Oh, God, it’ll take ages to do all this again. “You can go off, you know.” (LAUGHTER) He goes, “So you’ve come here?” I said, “Yeah.” “To Sheffield? “To do standup comedy?” (LAUGHTER) “Yeah, you know. I’ve had an interesting life. (LAUGHTER) “There’s a sad bit at the end. (LAUGHTER) “When I’m caught. “I play Clair de la Lune, I talk about that. “People are in floods, I’ve won a Chortle Award.” (LAUGHTER) He said, “No of fence, mate. “But I think what you’ve done out there is awful, obscene. “At worst, you should be in prison for life “and at best you should be executed.” I said to him, “I agree with you, to be honest, you know. “But what do you actually want me to do “because they in the Hague, they’ve said go off. “So, you know, what? What do you want me to do about that?” And he went, “Oh, all right, mate.” Then he went off. (LAUGHTER) Going to the dressing room here, laptop, wi-fi, Internet. Looked it up on Twitter. You have to look everything up on Twitter now, don’t you? Stay in touch with what’s around you! Looked up the bloke’s feed on Twitter. It comes up, “Met General Ratko Mladic in Sheffield today. “Much nicer bloke in real life.” (LAUGHTER) I hate Twitter. You love it, don’t you? You got Twitter? it’s brilliant. Your virtual online Utopian futuristic society. Direct communication between any individuals. Unfettered by government, you know, interference. Freedom of information. Arab Spring. We love Twitter. I hate Twitter. The only good thing about Twitter is if I have a mental breakdown and forget everything that ever happened to me, I could gradually piece my life back together by putting my name into the search engine in Twitter. Because about every 90 minutes, one of you feels obliged to do an update of where I am and what I’m doing. (LAUGHTER) “8:30 a.m., I can’t believe it. “Just seen Stewart Lee taking his son to school on the 393 bus. “They’re talking about Scooby Doo. He looks depressed.” (LAUGHTER) “10:00 a.m., can’t believe it. “I am sitting next to Stewart Lee in the Clock Cafe, Highbury. “He is eating a muffin. He looks fat.” (LAUGHTER) “11:30 a.m., Hackney celebrity alert. “Just seen Stewart Lee walking around Abney Park Cemetery on his own. “He looks fat and depressed.” (LAUGHTER) “1:30 p.m., wowaroonie! “Just seen Stewart Lee walking around Dalston Junction on his own. “Eating a burger in the street. He looks fat and depressed and fat.” (LAUGHTER) I hate Twitter. It’s like a state surveillance agency run by gullible volunteers. (LAUGHTER) it’s a Stasi for the Angry Birds generation. (LAUGHTER) If you’re an F-list celebrity, it makes your life impo… You’re paranoid all the time being spied on. To give you an example of what I mean. Last October, I was driving along the M40. I wasn’t gonna do a gig this time. I was going to Birmingham to put flowers on the grave of a relative. And I stopped at the Cherwell Services and I went to the florist’s there. I got a big bunch of flowers, and on the way out, the woman on the perfume concession stand caught my eye and she said to me, “Perfume, sir, to go with the flowers for the lady?” And I went, “Ah, they’re for someone’s grave.” And she went, “Oh,” and the other woman went, “Oh, no.” And then there were all people standing around going, “Oh, look, look at what’s happened.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “This will be on Twitter. “It’s exactly the kind of thing that goes on Twitter.” So I thought I’d say something light hearted to bring the event to a close, you know. So I said to her, “Oh, never mind, give us some perfume, “I’ll spray it around all the graves.” (LAUGHTER) Got home, looked it up on Twitter. You have to look it up on Twitter now. Stay in touch with what’s around you. Woman’s feed comes up. “The comedian” in inverted commas, “Stewart Lee, came in our perfume stand today. “He is even less funny in real life.” (LAUGHTER) You know what? That didn’t happen. (LAUGHTER) It sort of happened a bit, but I changed it for comic effect. Because what really happened is just bleak. (LAUGHTER) I was going to Birmingham to put flowers on a grave and the woman did say to me, “Perfume, sir, to go with the flowers for the lady.” But I didn’t say any of that stuff. I just said… “Oh, for fuck’s sake. (LAUGHTER) “Er… “Excuse me? “Yeah, erm, in your job, “I’m not threatening you, I’m just saying… (LAUGHTER) “…that look, there’s a lot of reasons, aren’t there, “why someone could be buying flowers, “and I know that you… No. “I know you have to hit targets and… “But, you know, maybe you should think about what those… “All those reasons what they could be before you just, you know…” Got home, looked it up on Twitter. (LAUGHTER) Woman’s feed comes up. “General Ratko Mladic came in today. (LAUGHTER) “He’s even more grumpy in real life.” (LAUGHTER) Internet, Twitter. It drives you mad. Facebook and all these message boards. Five minutes on Google, right, I can find… I can put my name and I’ll find hundreds of people all slagging me off. I’m gonna read out some quotes now, Five minutes on Google. These are real, right? In the context of the show, you have to appreciate this. The first four quotes from Americans that I read out, three of them are real. I made one up. (LAUGHTER) The letters, people complaining about Islam, they were exaggerated versions of real ones I’ve had. The quote from the guy in Dubai, that was real, verbatim. And then all the things about the jungle canyon rope bridges, they were real political speeches from the past. (LAUGHTER) But I replaced the policy things in them. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. From Scooby Doo. Yeah. And now… Okay, these are all real. Five minutes on Google. Can I have the jazz music and the lighting change please? (SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER) Rowing Rob on The Guardian’s Comment is Free site calls me “a sneering tosser”. (LAUGHTER) Tokyo Fist on YouTube writes, “Smug elitist liberalism. Who is this cunt?” (LAUGHTER) Warto15 on Twitter writes, “I hate Stewart Lee with a passion. He’s like Ian Huntley to me.” (LAUGHTER) Huey on Youtube says, “Stewart Lee, I will shove my thick cock in your throat, “you gaylord.” (LAUGHTER) Z-Factor on Twitter writes, “Stewart Lee addresses an insular cadre “of socially challenged, prematurely middle aged, pseudo-intellectual men.” (MILD LAUGHTER) I know. Yeah. Look. (LAUGHTER) Not as exclusively as I’d like, to be honest. It’ll just be us again soon. It won’t last. It can’t last. We’ll be back to one night and then it’ll be all right. Pudabaya writes, “I spent the entire show thinking “of how much I want to punch Stewart Lee in his face. “The fucking smug face cunt.” (LAUGHTER) And that’s on a website that is actually called, beexcellenttoeachother.com. (LAUGHTER) A Jimmy Vespa on dontstartmeoff.com writes, “A shit-haired cunt. who resides at the very apex “of all that is absolute patience testing wank.” (LAUGHTER) “Seriously when there is the comedy equivalent “of the Nuremberg trials, “this bastard is gonna be hung from the highest fucking lamppost, (LAUGHTER) “pelted with wasps’ nest and dog turds “and eventually blasted with a flame thrower.” “Fucking hell,” he concludes. “I can’t put into words… (LAUGHTER) “…how much I detest this utter fucking cunt.” Man in a Banana Suit on the Guardian website writes, “Stewart Lee has made a career out of smugness. “I hope fucking Crohn’s disease kills him.” (LAUGHTER) Ricardo writes, “Whenever I see his photo “I dream he’s just seen my boot, “a split second before it rips his face inside out.” (LAUGHTER) Shindig on the dugout.net calls me an “aging cunt “with an Eskimo face from the ’90s.” (LAUGHTER) One from Mumsnet here. (LAUGHTER) Queen of the Harpies says, “My mate had a huge crush on Stewart Lee, “but even she’s starting to admit time hasn’t been kind to him.” (LAUGHTER) And this one’s from a Sheffield football website and it says, “I know this guy, “not well, but I can confirm that he is a cock. (LAUGHTER) “I’ve spoken to him several times in the past at various get-togethers, “although not recently, and he is a pillock. “He used to go out with my wife’s cousin. “He came up a few times for Christmas and one or two other things. “I found him condescending and arrogant. “Anyway, they’ve split up now “and my wife’s cousin seems a lot happier.” (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I mean, I know who that is obviously. (LAUGHTER) Unbelievable, innit? (LAUGHTER) I used to… Funny thing is I used to really like… I liked that guy, you know. “Is your cousin’s husband gonna be there at Christmas? “Oh, great, you know. “Wedding present he used to like. I should get him some records.” Then you find… Ten years later you find that, you know. Used to go out with him. Go out with him. Went to the Hyena Club in Newcastle, one night in 1999, in November, to see Lewis Schaffer, American comic, then we went into the comics’ bar, you know, till about 3:00 with him, you know. “You wanna drink, mate?” “Yeah. Brilliant.” You know. “Great.” Then you think, “What was he actually thinking?” (LAUGHTER) Get “I fucking hate this bloke.” (LAUGHTER) You don’t get that, do you, in your lives. You don’t get it. What’s done is done. It doesn’t come back. His mum, right? The guy who wrote that’s mum. I had her to stay with me for about a week in London. When I lived in the flat above the estate agents by the fire station, if you remember that. (LAUGHTER) Not a big flat, you know. She was on some course. She was like an old hippie, I really liked her actually. I remember it was a Saturday afternoon and I was putting some, an old bed together and I had a record on. She was there. I had an old vinyl. The second album by Dr Strangely Strange, an Irish folk rock band in the ’70s and it… His mum, that wrote that, his mum. She goes, “Oh, I used to love this record when I was a kid. “I haven’t heard it for 30 years.” And she knew all the words and you know… And this was before downloads and CD reissues and stuff. And I said to her, “You can have it.” And I gave the mum of the guy that wrote that my original Island Pressing Pink Label gatefold sleeve second Dr Strangely Strange album like a cock would. (LAUGHTER) That’s the condescending thing to do, isn’t it? To give an old woman something of irreplaceable value, that she would love. This isn’t even… This is just some. I’ve got a 40,000-word document of all this. (LAUGHTER) Because I thought it would be funny, look on the Internet and see for a bit in the show. But I didn’t realise there would be so much. (LAUGHTER) it’s like pulling a thread. You start and you can’t… And everything unravels. (LAUGHTER) Knowing this is all there, it makes it quite hard to do this if you think about it, right? You think, “Oh, I’ll just go out in the world, “interact with some people, have a lot…” Don’t walk out during this. Don’t. (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) This is bad. It’s bad for someone to say they hope you die, on the Internet. But that is worse. (LAUGHTER) What is it about this bit that you don’t buy into? You think, “Oh, I don’t feel he’s working hard enough really.” (LAUGHTER) (QUIETLY) Fuck you. (LAUGHTER) You go out now, do you? You think… I mean, this is obviously nearly the end of the show, isn’t it? I can’t recover it from this. (LAUGHTER) “I’ll go out for a bit, “I’ll come back in when it’s funny again.” It won’t be. It’s not gonna be funny again, is it? (LAUGHTER) You get… You can’t… You know, you being a comic when you know you’re under surveillance by people that despise you is quite hard. You think, “I’ll go out in the world, interact with some people. “Get some ideas, have a laugh. Go in the shop. “Have a laugh with a bloke, bit of banter, get home. You know, you get home, you look on the Internet. “A fucking cunt came in my shop today. (LAUGHTER) “He even reminded me of a paedophile. (LAUGHTER) “Who would kill a child. “I hope he dies from a wasting disease. “And all cocks go in his mouth. (LAUGHTER) “Fucking Eskimo face cunt.” (LAUGHTER) And it’s all there, all out there. And you say, don’t you? I’ve seen you. You go, “Look at us, virtual online Facebook friends, Twitter community. “Virtual online Utopian vision of tomorrow’s better…” What are you? You’re like rats fighting in a ditch. (LAUGHTER) Over some piss. (LAUGHTER) So, you’ll forgive me if there isn’t really much of a show this year. (LAUGHTER) And if it just sort of stops. (LAUGHTER) We went up… We went up at… I’ve done the time that we’re supposed to. (LAUGHTER) There were already people walking out. (LAUGHTER) Well, I’ll just do a quick little bit and then we can go. (LAUGHTER) So I was driving round the North Circular and I drove past PC World! (LAUGHTER) (SCREAMING) And you know what? I couldn’t even be bothered to think of anything funny about that. (LAUGHTER) You can do it, can’t you? Get in your cars, drive around, look at all the shops, think about their names and think about how you could misinterpret them for comic effect. (LAUGHTER) Because that’s what I have to do day after day. For what? For this? For indifference? People walking out? (LAUGHTER) You do it! Get in your cars, drive around, look at the names of shops and then you can put it on your Twitter feeds, you fucking miserable Sheffield cunts! (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE) I got back in the car from PC World. I thought, “I’m just gonna drive home now. “There won’t even be a proper end to the show, it’ll just stop!” (LAUGHTER) Then five minutes from home, five minutes from home, I was in Dalston and I drove past a butchers called City Meat! (LAUGHTER) And it’s like an illness, I couldn’t help myself! (LAUGHTER) (TOUGH LONDON VOICE) “Like meat, live in a city? “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) “We got all the different meat animals. “Cows, pigs, chickens, etc., “but they live in the city of London. “Like meat, live in a city? ‘City Meat for City People’ “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) (IN HIGH VOICE) “Do the City Meat animals graze on the grass “of the City Farm Hackney, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “No, they don’t! Grass is for poofs! (LAUGHTER) “They’re city animals, “they live on what they find on the floor in the city!” “Like what?” “Like old, chucked away AIDS-infected spunked-in condoms! “Discarded hepatitis-ridden heroin needles! Licked out wraps of speed! “Torn-up pornography, crushed Polish beer cans, “and ripped up leaflets “advertising The Miracle Healing Church at Finsbury Park.” (LAUGHTER) (HIGH VOICE) “Doesn’t this diet of filth make them sick, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “Yeah, it does! And they love being sick! The slags! (LAUGHTER) “Because they’re city animals at City Meat! “Live in the city, like meat? Get yourself down to City Meat!” (LAUGHTER) (HIGH VOICE) “And this City Meat butchers “was in London, was it, butcher?” (TOUGH VOICE) “Yes, in London. City Meat.” (HIGH VOICE) “Are you sure?” (TOUGH VOICE) “It’s City Meat!” (HIGH VOICE) “Are you sure you didn’t see a butchers called City Meat “on the side of the A40 in Shirley in Birmingham? (LAUGHTER) “In between the Cherwell Services and the cemetery?” (TOUGH VOICE) “It was in London.” (HIGH VOICE) “Birmingham.” (HIGH VOICE) “But you realised there’s no way the City Meat bit “will be a punchy enough end to the show “if the butcher had a Birmingham accent?” (LAUGHTER) (BIRMINGHAM ACCENT) “Do you like meat? (LAUGHTER) “Do you live in the city? (LAUGHTER) “Get yourself down to City Meat! (LAUGHTER) “We got all the different meat animals. (LAUGHTER) “Pork, that’s a pig. (LAUGHTER) “Beef, that’s a cow. (LAUGHTER) “Chicken, same, chicken. (LAUGHTER) “And they run all around the city of Birmingham. “They’re very happy like because I don’t know if you know, “in the last few years, there’s been a lot of redevelopment work here. (LAUGHTER) “There’s loads of green spaces and, all around, the cathedral’s “all been done up and… “In Birmingham now there is actually more miles of canals “than there is rats. (LAUGHTER) “And they’ re very happy. They ate all the locals’ food. “They have a big trough of Bovril, they lick that out. (LAUGHTER) “And in the morning, about 5:30, “Noddy Holder flies over in a (LAUGHTER) “Halifax Bomber, chucking out old faggots for them to eat. (LAUGHTER) “And at the weekend, for a treat, they have a balti now. “A lot of people think wrongly “that a balti is an Indian dish “but it actually originated in Birmingham or around Sparkbrook “and Bearwood, and they actually call that “the Balti Triangle now and it’s like a tourist attraction. “And at the week, on a Friday night, “people will come for a balti “from as far away as Kidderminster.” (LAUGHTER) I got nothing. (LAUGHTER) So I got in the car one last time and I drive north to the industrial estates near Sunderland with the sole intention of visiting a retail outlet called Carpet Remnant World. (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING) I stood outside the Carpet Remnant World and I was overcome with a terrible sadness and it was very moving. Carpet Remnant World. It didn’t even sell carpets. (LAUGHTER) It sold remnants of carpets. (LAUGHTER) Remnants of human hopes. Remnants of human dreams and it spoke to me about the gulf between what we are and what we could aspire to be. Imagine to sleep, to dream, of living in Newcastle with a carpet. (LAUGHTER) To wake and to find instead that you live in Sunderland (LAUGHTER) with some carpet remnants. (LAUGHTER) it’s too sad to bear. So I went into Remnant Carpet World. You know what? It was a world made out of carpet remnants. Tiny, perfectly proportioned carpet remnant homes and long, wide carpet remnant avenues, lined with carpet remnant schools and carpet remnant hospitals. And carpet remnant universities. Free carpet remnant universities. And carpet remnant libraries that did not labour under the threat of closure and all of them full of carpet remnant people living in perfectly harmony from each according to his durability, (LAUGHTER) to each according to his weave. (LAUGHTER) The carpet remnant world man came up to me and he was made of carpet remnants and he said to me, “What do you think of our Carpet Remnant World?” And I said, “it’s beautiful. A Utopia.” (LAUGHTER) And he said, “Really? I always expect people to be cynical.” And I said, “Why?” And he said, “I was warned by my friends “at the World of Leather, the World of Golf, “and Office World and PC World “and both regional outlets of City Meat.” (LAUGHTER) Then he said to me, “But there’s a message for you “in Carpet Remnant World, Stewart Lee, and it’s this. “That a ragbag of seemingly disparate and unrelated items, “people, concepts, things, can, “if stitched together in the correct order, “with a degree of sensitivity, “give the impression of being a satisfying whole.” (LAUGHTER) And I said to him, “You mean…” And he said, (LAUGHS WEAKLY) “Yes.” (MUSIC FADES) (SNAPS FINGERS) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDS) Thank you. This is a beautiful theatre to be in, one of the nicest in the country. Thanks to everyone who’s worked so hard in putting this up tonight. Thanks a lot. Good night. (AUDIENCE CHEERING) (INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)"
1686241315-4,https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/stand-up-comedy-scripts/,Jim Jefferies on Gun Control [Full Transcript],https://scrapsfromtheloft.com/comedy/jim-jefferies-gun-control-full-transcript/,"Australian comedian Jim Jefferies breaks down the absurdity of America’s obsession with guns in his Netflix special BARE (2014) by Jim Jefferies I’m gonna talk about something now that sort of splits the crowd a little bit. Uh… Gun control. Now… No, wait. Before you… Don’t get excited because the other people have guns. The anti-gun people are like, “Yeah! Do it, Jim!” No, let’s just… [Shushes] Now, before I start saying this, I wanna say this, right? I believe in your right as Americans to have guns. I’m not trying to stop you from having guns. All I’m saying is this is my personal belief on the opinion. My opinion on the… Oh, it doesn’t matter. I don’t like guns, right? I’m gonna say some things that are just facts, right? In Australia, we had guns, right? Right up until 1996. In 1996, Australia had the biggest massacre on Earth. It still hasn’t been beaten. And… Now, after that, they banned the guns. Now, in the 10 years before Port Arthur, there was 10 massacres. Since the gun ban in 1996, there hasn’t been a single massacre since. I don’t know how or why this happened, uh… Maybe it was a coincidence, right? Now, please understand that I understand that Australia and America are two vastly different cultures with different people, right? I get it. In Australia, we had the biggest massacre on Earth, and the Australian government went, “That’s it! No more guns!” And we all went, “Yeah, all right, then. That seems fair enough, really.” Now, in America, you had the Sandy Hook massacre where little, tiny children died, and your government went, “Maybe… we’ll get rid of the big guns?” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my guns!” [Whooping] So, here’s where it gets confusing, right? Now, as I said, I am all for your Second Amendment rights. I think you should be able to have guns. It’s in your constitution. What I am not for is bullshit arguments and lies. There is one argument and one argument alone for having a gun, and this is the argument… “Fuck off. I like guns.” It’s not the best argument, but it’s all you’ve got. And there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I like something. Don’t take it away from me.” But don’t give me this other bullshit. The main one is, [In American accent] “I need it for protection. I need to protect me. I need to protect my family.” Really? Is that why they’re called “assault rifles”? Is it? I’ve never heard of these fucking “protection rifles” you speak of. Protection? What the fuck are you talking about? You have a gun in your house, you’re 80% more likely to use that gun on yourself, than to shoot someone else. And people think, “Well, that’d never happen to me.” You don’t know that, because you know what? ♪ From time to time We all get sad ♪ 
 ♪ One day you’re happy Then you’re sad ♪ 
 ♪ And then, uh-oh ♪ Protection. I had a break-in in Manchester, England, where I was tied up, I had my head cut. They threatened to rape my girlfriend. They came through the window with a machete and a hammer, and Americans always go, [In American accent] “Well, imagine if you had a gun.” And I’m like, “All right. I was naked at the time. I wasn’t wearing my holster. I wasn’t staring at the window waiting for cunts with machetes to come through.” What world do you live in where you’re constantly fucking ready? You have guns ’cause you like guns! That’s why you go to gun conventions! That’s why you read gun magazines! None of you give a shit about home security. None of you go to home security conventions. None of you read Padlock Monthly. None of you have a Facebook picture of you behind a secure door going, “Fucking yeah!” Like you’re going to be ready if someone comes into your house. You have it at all fucking times. By the way, most people who are breaking into your house just want your fucking TV! You think that people are coming to murder your family? How many fucking enemies do you have? Jeez, you think a lot of yourself if you think everyone’s coming to murder you. See, if you have it readily available, it becomes unsafe. You have it in your bedside table, one of your kids picks it up, thinks it’s a toy, shoots another one of your kids. Happens every fucking day, but people go, “That’d never happen in my house ’cause I’m a responsible gun owner. I keep my guns locked in a safe.” Then they’re no fucking protection! Someone comes into the house, you’re like, “Wait there, fuck-face! Oh! You’ve come to the wrong house here, buddy boy. I tell you what. I’m gonna fuck you up! Okay. Is it 32 to the left or 32 to the right? Your mother’s birthday? Why the fuck would I know your fucking mother’s birthday? Maybe if you didn’t leave the window open [In whining voice] ‘because it’s too hot in here,’ we wouldn’t be getting fucking murdered, right?” NRA: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver | Transcript  I find the NRA to be hard work. The fact that they always think the answer is more guns. After Sandy Hook happened, the NRA said, and I quote, “None of this would have happened if the teachers had guns.” I… I think they’re forgetting what school was like. Does anyone remember that casual teacher that used to… Whenever she came into school, that relief teacher came, you and your friends would see her and go, [Chuckling] “Oh, we’re gonna make her cry.” And then she’d stand in front of the class with a bit of chalk and her hands would be shaking, and you’d go, “You’re never getting married, are you, Miss? Never gonna happen for you.” Then she’d get back to her 1967 Volkswagen Beetle, and she’d be crying over the steering wheel, just, “Why don’t they like me?” Let’s give that cunt a gun and see how things work out! [Audience cheering] And then they go, “Oh, well, answer to that, we’ll just add more guns.” They go, “We’ll put an armed security guard at every school across America.” Yeah, that’ll work out. The average security guard in America earns $16 an hour. Not a lot of wiggle room to be a fucking hero! Someone comes onto the school and… [Mimicking machine gun] And you’ve got Kevin. Now, I’m sure Kevin’s shit-hot at Call of Duty, but it might not fucking cut it, ladies and gentlemen. Now, I understand that when I’m doing this joke in this room, 50% of you agree with me, 50% of you don’t agree with me, and I do respect the people who don’t agree with me. Don’t think I don’t. Out of the 50% that don’t agree with me, 20% of those people are smart enough to realize this is a comedy show and it’s not to be taken seriously, and they’re laughing along ’cause it’s just funny jokes, right? And then the next 20%, have sort of phased out a little bit. They’re looking around, going, “Wonder how they got that chandelier up there?” And then… there’s the last 10%. And they’re fucking furious. Right now, in this room and the people watching at home… 10% of you are fucking seething. Just… And for a couple of reasons. First reason, I’m making good points. [Audience cheering] Second reason. Second reason. Second reason, and this is the big one, I’m foreign… and that’s pissing the fuck out of you right now, and your brain is on a loop and you can’t fucking turn it off, and it’s just going around in a circle, and you’re just going, “If you don’t like it, go home! If you don’t like it, go home!” And my answer to that is, “No.” I came here legally. I pay my taxes. I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. Your First Amendment means that I can say the Second Amendment sucks dicks. And… unless you’re an American Indian, you’re a fucking immigrant as well, so fuck off. People get so precious about it. I understand that to Americans, your constitution is very important. I respect it, but please understand that every country has one as well. It’s no more special than any other constitution. We have one in Australia. I don’t know what it says. I’ve never seen it. If there’s a problem, we’ll check it, but everything’s going fine. And don’t get me wrong. I get that the constitution is important to you. I have had… Fucking, I get it, right? I’ve had people come up to me in my face and scream at me in car parks as I’m leaving the theater, going, [In American accent] “You cannot change the Second Amendment!” And I’m like, “Yes, you can. It’s called an ‘amendment.'” If you can’t change something that’s called an “amendment”, see, many of you need a thesaurus more than you need a constitution. And if you don’t know what a thesaurus is, get a dictionary and work your way forward. Don’t think your constitution is set in stone. You’ve changed things before. You used to have prohibition in there, right? And then people were like, “Hey, who likes getting fucked up? Yeah, I like getting fucked up, too. Let’s get that one out. Let’s get that one out.” You used to have this other thing in America called, uh… slavery! And then Lincoln came along and went, “That’s it. No more slaves!” And 50% of you went, “Fuck you! Don’t take my slaves!” And the same bullshit arguments came out that you have with guns. “Why should I have my slaves taken off me? I’m a responsible slave owner. I’m trained in how to use my slaves safely. Just because that guy mistreated his slaves doesn’t mean that my rights should be taken away from me. I… I use my slaves to protect my family! I keep my slaves locked in a safe!” That’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me? I’ve done nothing wrong.” Look, I agree with you. If you’re a responsible gun owner and you don’t fuck around with them, then you should be allowed your guns. You really should. But that’s not how society works. We have to play to the 1% that are such fuckwits they ruin it for the rest of us. We have to walk as slow as our slowest person to keep society fucking moving, right? I take drugs like a fucking champion, right? [Audience cheering] We should all be allowed to take fucking drugs, but we can’t, can we? Because Sarah took drugs and she stabbed her fucking kids. Oh! “Oh, thanks, Sarah. You fucked it up for everyone.” Right? Everyone should be allowed to drive their car as fast as they can do it, right? But we can’t because Jonathan got drunk and ran over a family. “Thanks, Jonathan! Now I have to drive at 30, you fucking idiot!” See, that’s the thing. “Why should I have my guns taken off me, I’m responsible, just because that guy’s crazy?” Who’s to say you’re not crazy? That’s the thing about crazy people. They don’t know they’re crazy. That’s what makes them crazy. The only thing you know for sure on this Earth is, “I think, therefore I am.” You know that you exist. Anything past that is open to interpretation, right? You know you exist and that’s it. Right now, I think I’m in Boston talking to 1,200 people. That’s what I think I’m doing, but there is a good to fair chance that I’m in a mental home, standing in front of a white wall, going, [Slurring speech] “I hate guns. I hate guns. I hate guns.” [Audience applauding] See, one of the better arguments is, “Well, if you take the guns away, then only the criminals will have guns.” Not true. When they banned the guns in Australia, it worked. When they banned them in Britain, it worked, okay? The Bushmaster gun that the kid was gonna use in Sandy Hook costs, like, $1,000 American and you can buy it in Walmart. It’ll be delivered to your house. That’s it, man. 1,000 bucks, right? That same gun in Australia on the black market costs $34,000. Now if you have $34,000, you don’t need to be a criminal. You’ve got $34,000. You’re a great little saver. Keep going. So that covers the criminals, but that doesn’t cover the people who wanna murder your family, that are coming after you and your family. It kind of does. The people who do the massacres, it covers them ’cause they go… The kid at Colorado who thought he was The Joker, let’s say that he had some social issues. The kid at Sandy Hook was Asperger’s as fuck. Right? I don’t know if you know a lot about the black market, but you can’t just rock up at the docks going, [Slurring speech] “Guns! Who wants to sell me a gun?” Now, I’m gonna wrap this up. We won’t talk about it anymore. Now… See, the one thing that I do really agree with with the right to bear arms, I really agree with… That the real reason it was written was so that you could form a militia to fight against a tyrannical government. In case the government became a bunch of cunts, you could all get your guns and fight back, and that’s why it was written. [Audience cheering] Yeah! And that made a hell of a lot of sense when it was just muskets. But you do know the government has drones, right? You get that? You’re bringing guns to a drone fight! If we went back to muskets, I’m all for it! Keep the Second Amendment. If we all have muskets… Muskets are awesome! Every cunt should be carrying a musket with him at all times. You know what’s good about the musket? It gives you a lot of time to calm down. Someone calls your wife fat, and you’re like, “Fuck you, buddy! Ah, you’re not a bad guy. You’re all right.”"