self (e.g. narcissistic wounds, inadequacy), loss of healthy pride (e.g. feeling fraudulent, flamboyant), existential angst (e.g. invisibility, exclusion), mirror hunger (e.g. seeking constant validation), perfectionism (e.g. fear of failure) etc. (Sanderson, 2015). The implementation of shame to control one’s behaviour is evident universally, but this investigation will focus on the impact it has on LGBTQ individuals. Similar to shame, pride is also a primary emotion that has an effect on one’s Pride plays a critical role in psychological functioning particularly in the reinforcement of prosocial behaviours (i.e. altruism) and adaptive behaviours (i.e. achievement), but when one’s pride is damaged so is the ego, in turn provoking antisocial behaviours such as aggression (Lewis, Haviland-Jones & Barrett, 2016). However, elevating one’s pride can lead to maladaptive behaviours such as vanity, narcissism and using arrogance to seeking admiration. Tracy and Robins established two facets to pride, authentic pride and hubristic pride (Tracy & Robins, 2007). Authentic pride is adaptive and related to positive personality traits, whereas hubristic pride (excessive pride) is maladaptive and used as a means of defence against shame and shame-proneness (Sanderson, 2015). Tracey and Robins (2014) research supports that hubristic pride is positively correlated with narcissism and aggression whilst being negatively correlated with prosocial behaviour and self-esteem (Tracey & Robins, 2014). Hubristic pride is relatively defensive and neurotic in nature. It is linked to hierarchical dominance orientation – pursuing a goal for the purpose of attaining social validation (Carver, Sinclair and Johnson, 2010). Individuals become hungry for admiration and superiority to satisfy the wounded, narcissistic self. Through the distortion and corruption of authentic pride, hubristic pride becomes a powerful mechanism that copes with feelings of shame and failure. It is a way of defending oneself against internal shame, or masking it so that others will not notice how the individual truly feels about oneself (Sanderson, 2015).
Sexuality conceals lack of Stacey “My confidence is not really that great and no one would really know that one the outside because I put so much focus on my sexuality, so that you kind of, maybe I use my sexuality to mask everything, who knows, maybe that’s the whole pride and shame, it’s sexuality. Like I feel that instead of the pride masking shame, it’s not, my pride is not masking my shame, it’s my sexuality masking my lack of confidence” One’s sexuality is used to conceal lack of self-confidence. Could this be another form of pride concealing shame? Segregation between homosexuality and transgender Stacey “Even though I’m not even a part of their community, like obviously they are still a part of the LGBT, but you got the L’s and the B’s and the G’s together” There is slight isolation of transgender within the LGBTQ community, it is considered as another community. Coming out accompanied by ridicule Natasha (11- 15); Henry “My classmates who I’d grown up with…when I came out to them, tested it out and immediately regretted it because some of them were, they thought that I was joking and so they decided to joke more and they said really mean things, but as a joke and they didn’t know I was really coming out” First disclosure of sexuality to peers was mocked with disbelief Humour became a means of defence Natasha (17-18, 20-21, Henry “I seem to have this thing where I come out to my friends by accident or by making jokes because I find it easier to do” Humour became an easier way for the individual to express their sexuality to others. Living two lives (Pseudo-self) Natasha(73-77, 211-213, “If I’m far from home, I’m very open about my sexuality, as long as it doesn’t hurt my parents, cause they’re still going through this, they’re still, it’s very raw for them” Sexuality is still hidden from family, but the individual is open about their sexuality when far from home – pretend to be something they’re parents accept. Parents will never accept homosexuality Natasha 130-132) “But the gay side, they’re never going to accept that. That’s something I have to learn to live with and I’m succeeding in a way, Parents view homosexuality as unnatural and so push away the idea that the
but it’s tough to live with that” individual is homosexual. Longing to be heterosexual Natasha 201-204) “I just hoped that, hoped and hoped and hoped that this was all just a dream, that all this conflict that I’m having with myself would just disappear one day and I would suddenly like men again and it didn’t happen, so I’ve always been confused, I’ve always had second thoughts about my sexuality” The individual wishes to be heterosexual in order to fit in among the crowd. Homosexuals are a threat to humanity Natasha “I think they think of us as extra-terrestrials, not even different species, they think that we are aliens, that we have just come and invaded and we’re gonna suddenly zap people into being gay or lesbian, which is not true” Homosexuals are regarded as alien, an infection that will turn every individual homosexual. Internalised homophobia because of religious values Natasha “I was incredibly homophobic to myself because of my religion and in my religion it’s a, homophobia is not accepted, you apparently go to hell and so for the first few years of me being aware that I might be gay or I am gay, as the conflict I was going through the first few years, was just me hating myself” Being a homosexual is unaccepted within some religions and such rejection became internalised into Religious values generate thoughts Natasha 148-149) “there were times when I felt, well what good is it being alive, because I’m going to hell anyway and it was that extreme, that’s how I felt about religion” One’s religion viewed sexuality as immoral leading to the contemplation of suicide. Culture wise, heterosexuality is valued. Natasha “Cultural wise, I mean again, being from India, it’s very, very, very much against, um, gay, being gay or lesbian or anything other than heterosexual or straight. Um so I, there’s a lot of struggle there cause, um, it’s been around for a long time” Struggles faced with one’s culture as there is opposition of any sexuality other than heterosexuality. sabotaging
incredibly hurtful for me” for bringing dishonour to the family. Hopelessly seeking parents approval Natasha “That’s a whole different burden to bare, all your life you’re trying to impress them, you’re trying to be that one child that they love the most, even though you’re part of ten children, you always strive to be that better child, the one that they love the most, the one that they can rely on and suddenly, you’re worse than you know, garbage to them, you’re worse than the person who killed ten, twenty people because they don’t care that that person killed ten, twenty people they care that you are gay and you’re not supposed to be” One becomes consumed by the hunger for authentic validation from one’s family. Self-shaming to become heterosexual Natasha “The first time I realised that I was gay, I remember sitting and thinking, you can’t be gay and I actually laughing at myself and I was like you can’t be gay. I was so homophobic and um it was me shaming myself in a way to becoming straight and it didn’t work and that shamed me even more” Self- shame became a futile attempt of pushing oneself to transform into a heterosexual in order to fit in. Pride is based on from family, not oneself Natasha “With me there was this whole cultural thing as well, where brought up to believe that for the, that we should work for the greater good. Over here in this country, you’re an individual, you have to strive to achieve your best and in India you’re striving to achieve your best because that’s how your family would be elevated” One must strive for achievements in honour of one’s family not oneself. Confirmation of one’s sexuality Natasha “if I get married to a girl, my family would be not in contact with and they wouldn’t even Family would completely disown the individual if they were blame
would lead to disownment accept me as their own, if someone asked them how many children you have, they would say one and that would be my brother. They wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence” to get married to a person of the Pride is relevant to shame Natasha 481-482) “It could be used to mask shame, but I think it’s more about embracing shame than masking it. It’s more about being aware of your shame, being aware of how you feel about your shame, being aware about how you feel about your family’s shame and where you fit into that and just being able to embrace that situation” Pride should be used to accept one’s shame, become one with shame in order to embrace the situation. Settled for the lesser Natasha “I’ve settled because I’m not moving to India, I feel that this is a better dream. I mean dreams are always gonna be weird and you’re gonna have ridiculous dreams and my ridiculous dream is to go to India, that’s my ultimate dream and even though my future, ten years over here is much, much better than me moving to India, it is still settling for something less, but yea, I know I’m gonna be happy in ten years” Future dreams are sacrificed because one’s sexuality causes complications for one’s future. Prince charming and princess Beatrice (4-6) “For a couple of years I was saying I was bi because obviously you’re kind of at school and you grow up thinking “Oh men and women, prince charming for princess” everywhere you look it’s heterosexual, so that made me a little bit insecure” Insecurities developed from a heterosexual upbringing that relationships are between men and women. Labels stigmatise homosexuality Beatrice (17-20, 170-172); Mathew 113-116); “I felt there was a lot of, I don’t know there was a lot of mixed emotions and stuff and I felt quite uncomfortable with the labels like I felt that Certain labels and insults became negative stigmas of homosexuals sex.
there was like a lot of shame that came with, like people always used it as an insult like “oh you lesbian, oh you Gaylord” or something like that” Stereotypical stigmas are discouraging Beatrice (26-29, 72-79) “I struggle to come out to close friends more than I did random people, so I came out to random strangers more than anything, just as general conversation, if I knew they were okay, but I never really came out to friend unless they asked, just because of the sheer fact that there’s a lot of kind of stereotypical stigma” Reluctant to disclose sexuality to close friends because of the stereotypical stigma placed on homosexuality. Conservative Christians hold that homosexuality is a choice Beatrice “So I generally have to watch my tongue when I am with people who are more conservative religion, like, because you do get like and it’s not usually like a conversation and they just seem so convinced that you’ve chosen this and it’s like, ‘Okay, well see that like women over there, choose to fancy her’ and they’re like ‘well I can’t’, ‘well what do you mean you can’t? Because you can choose can’t you’” Certain religions maintain that homosexuals choose to be attracted to the same-sex and so can easily change such a desire. One’s morality is questioned Beatrice “’Well hopefully they’ll come…’ well she said ‘We’ll accept them in, we’ll do the right thing, but hopefully they’ll see the right way and change their behaviour’ and it kind of made me feel so ooooo, like am I wrong? Like you kind of grow up and are like ‘Is there something wrong with me, because I can’t help this, I can’t’” One’s self-importance is questioned because homosexuality is perceived as immoral. Concealment of sexuality AND faith Beatrice “I don’t tell gay people that are my friends that I’m, um, religious because that’s shameful and I don’t tell people that I’m religious and Sexuality and faith are both concealed to avoid predicaments from being a part of both communities.
that I’m gay, because that’s shameful” Sexuality is repressed Beatrice “There’s like LGBT communities here and I rarely go to them, just because I feel like it’s not that much of a big part of me, or at least I don’t want it to be that much of a big part of me” The individual almost disassociates sexuality as a part of oneself. The silent war Beatrice “Again you have to keep silent about what’s going on, like people are being homophobic to you or shaming you or bullying you or being mean to you because of your sexuality, you then can’t really tell anyone because then you might tell someone who’s also the same, like um, it’s like a bit of a silent kind of war” Fear of discrimination leads to the concealment of oneself to avoid being victimised for one’s sexuality. A hidden identity Beatrice “It really petrifies me to think that if I’m not careful, like because again I have to be careful about coming out you know to religious people and stuff, because you might just meet that one nutter, who strongly believes that you being gay is awful and we live in a world where everyone is supposedly accepting to you, so then there’s this sort of shame” Hiding one’s sexual identity as means of avoid being an outcast from friends and religion. Flaunting sexuality to compensate for homophobic family Beatrice “They come from a really homophobic family and then when they get to uni, if they are living at uni or whatever, then they’re really, really, really outwardly gay, like really outwardly gay, especially at the LGBT community” Outwardly gay as a means to cope with the fact that one’s family is unreasonably homophobic – almost living two lives. A sense of belonging Beatrice 349-352, 357-359, Mathew (303-307); Adam (152-154) “There’s always that kind of gay vibe between each other and you’re like ‘whoaaaa’, but there’s always that kind of excitement, like if I see, like if I find another gay person my age, I Being a part of crowd that share similar traits, experiences and thoughts is quite validating of one’s self-image. There is a sense of belonging as
undertone of “we know you’re gay, but we’re not gonna address it” you know and it’s kind of awkward” Old-fashioned parents Mathew (74-78) “I feel like my parents are more old fashioned, so they’re like, they think that gay is something that’s more present now, my mum says “when I was a kid I didn’t see homosexuals, I didn’t see lesbians, no one was talking about being transgender, being a crossdresser and now I see men holding hands, I see women kissing on the bus” and it’s like, I feel like it’s so old fashioned” Parents hold a conservative view towards sexuality due having a traditional upbringing – this a form of disapproval. Removal of the sexual minority Mathew (95-98) “I always feel like it’s something that’s supposed to be hidden away or something that’s supposed to be neglected, um, not pay attention to kind of, try your hardest to not be part of the LGBTQ community and just be part of the normal society” Societal norms are imposed on those of the sexual minorities, pushing individuals to conceal one’s sexual identity and conform to heterosexist ideals. Fear of being unlovable Mathew “We feel scared of being judged, of being rejected, our world turning upside down, not having a home, not having a life, not having work, relationships, having to maybe move away and rebuild your whole life” Feeling flawed and unacceptable leads one to belief that they are unlovable to the whole world. An alien among the crowd Mathew “Sometimes old people would look at me funny, like ‘why is his hair so long’ and I felt like I was, like a different, like to them, like I feel like I was like an exhibit on display, cause like people would like look at me and like a double look and they would be like, I could see they wanted to ask ‘Are you gay?’” Stood out among the crowd because certain features seemed feminine and so would be stared at in public, as though the individual were an alien among the crowd.
Physical affirmation Mathew Stacey (371-373) “So it was something that I, it was for me a way of expressing who I was as an individual, but also give a hint to my sexuality without making it so obvious” Long hair as a means of identification among the crowd Ongoing ambiguity Mathew “The reason why I sometimes, I don’t just blurt out “I’m gay” all the time it’s because yes I sometimes do double guess my own sexuality, cause for like, at the beginning I used to think I was bisexual” Does not disclose sexual identity as the individual still questions sexual preference Fuel added to the fire Mathew “If we get beat up, if we, if any one of us gets shot or killed and branded because of the gay’s then it gives us even more, it adds fuel to the fire, so it makes us stand up more, be more open, um be more resilient, be like ‘You know what we are gay, but we’re also people, we’re human beings, we breath and we eat just like you do’ and it’s a fight” Anti-LGBTQ discrimination encourages that fire within LGBTQ individuals to fight back, become enraged to defend one’s sexual identity. An unspoken rule Mathew “As soon as somebody else came in like a grown up or another kid or somebody else came in, it immediately, that affection went away, so we didn’t hug, we didn’t kiss, we didn’t touch hands, we just played with our toys and there was quite a distance between us, um so it was, like an unspoken rule” Same-sex affection was deemed unacceptable, so affection was concealed from others. Sexual identity hidden from religion Mathew “When I would go to church it’d be like ‘Mm he’s the only guy here with really long hair, what is his situation going on right here, what is his happening? and I would feel a little more, um reserved, I wouldn’t wanna get close to people, I wouldn’t wanna talk to as many people, cause I wouldn’t wanna say the Would avoid confrontation of one’s sexual identity to those within the religious community so as to prevent people getting the wrong idea.
Intimidated by open LGBTQ individuals Rita (298-301) “I feel a little bit um, what’s the word, intimidated, I don’t know why, um (pause) I think, I don’t know why I feel intimidated actually, maybe because of the people I have met are more open about it then I am, so I’m a bit like (whispers) “Wow you’re so open about it” and I’m still dealing with it” Ambiguous thoughts make one feel like an outcast among those whom are open about their sexuality. Fear of rejection Rita (308-310) “I’m scared as well that people might think, because I’m not quite openly, I don’t know what openly bisexual would even be, but because I don’t come across as being openly bisexual, I don’t want them to think that ‘Oh it’s just a phase’ or ‘It’s not really a thing’” Fear that others will think that the individual is bluffing about their sexual identity. Avoids personal conversations Rita (339-344) “If there’s any incline that somebody’s gonna ask me something quite personal, then I gonna get uncomfortable straight away, um so it, there’s certain groups of people I might be with and I might just feel like they’re gonna ask me something personal and I kind of feel really uncomfortable, even if they don’t, even if they’re talking about something that has nothing to do with me, I kind have this odd ‘Please don’t ask me anything personal feeling’ uh so yea it depends” Another was of dissociating oneself from one’s sexual identity Recognition is rare Rita (389-394) “For some reason I feel like it’d be less widely accepted than being gay is, I don’t know why, maybe cause I feel like it’s quite a drastic thing to be transgender or transsexual or whatever, um I feel like, cause that’s, I just feel like people just wouldn’t be able to deal with that as well, people don’t like Transgender is rarely recognised – transgender is almost an alienated by everyone.
they’re not, which in itself is way more disgusting to me” Segregation between sexual minorities Daniel (74-75, 219-222) “People do demonise, but people also demonise from within the LGBT community” There is discrimination within the LGBTQ community as well as outside – internal and external discrimination. The minority of the minority Daniel (86-87, 223-224, “An outcast from outcast if you will, um with, if they’re the sexual minority then I’m the minority of the minority” An outcast from the outcast, feeling isolated from one’s own community. Evasive of new social interactions Daniel “Uh if it’s like a family party and or like there’s a party where I don’t know anyone, it’s gonna be like ‘Leave me alone, don’t touch me’, but that’s mainly out of the fact that I don’t know anyone, which is why I rarely go to a party where I don’t know anyone, or I get really, really hammered and that kind of fades” Avoids unfamiliar places and people, otherwise uses alcohol to loosen up – seems very self-conscious when meeting others. Shame internalised for feeling isolated Daniel “Shame can be both external and internal, um I did feel a lot of internal shame about demi-sexual cause, I still do, because it doesn’t quite feel real, or it doesn’t feel legitimate cause I haven’t gone through the same struggles that uh other queer people have or like” Being an outcast within the outcast’s leads to the internalisation and externalisation of shame towards one’s sexuality – the individuals feels flawed. Shame diminishes self-confidence Daniel “It annihilates the I’m, mines fricken low to begin with so you know they feel awkward going to say, um just being around family I’d imagine, um in my case it’s fine, in my sisters case it’s fine, we just take the piss” Lacking in due to one feeling unlovable? It’s WHAT I am Daniel “Like for me I don’t really, I don’t really talk about it, just cause to me it’s just a thing, it’s just what I am” One’s sexuality is disconnected from their identity.
pretend that there is nothing as disgust, so it’s just all a veneer of happy family” family to avoid addressing the individual’s sexuality. Christianity has dominion on the morality of sexuality Adam (70-73) “Christianity especially has like a monopoly in the western world on these issues, it has a monopoly on the ethics of like being gay or being trans and like whether or not it means you’re a good person or whether you’re you going to hell or anything” Christianity seems to have the power to decide whether the sexual minority is moral. Adamantly open about sexual identity Adam (101-103) “Like I came out of the closet for a reason and I don’t want to go back in and so I’m like almost aggressively open about it to be honest” One is open about sexual identity as they refuses to be pushed back into the closet. Anti-LGBTQ discrimination evokes rage Adam (106-107) “When I see it happen to like my friends, when I see it happen to like my LGBT friends, I’m just like filled with rage, just absolutely filled with rage, um because it’s not right” Inner anger towards the those who abuse individuals because of one’s sexuality. Shame developed from a homophobic surrounding Adam (124-128) “As I grew past that and did actually start like developing as a person, it’s like remembering all of that, certainly affected how I felt about myself because that’s like where the shame developed from, from all these seeing and not just harmless jokes, but also like deeply homophobic stuff happening in like the news and like just around me in general” Being surrounded by homophobic individuals, who made jokes about the sexual minorities, led the individual to believe that there was something wrong with them. Labels reduce isolation Adam (157-160) “People like to do the whole like um “Oh why do you need labels because you’re just trying to be unique, you’re just trying to be special” but like it’s the opposite of that, it’s about trying to not be unique, it’s about trying to find other people who are like you, so it’s always very exciting to meet up” Labels are a means of justification of oneself in order to have a sense of belonging.
LGB community discriminate transgender Adam (166-169) “Like even like LGB people, like you just, like you know there is a problem of transphobia within the LGB community, so like, you just don’t know, like what people think or say, like behind closed doors or what they’re going to do when they find out, it’s always a worry” LGB individuals may welcome transgender individuals, but there may be slander about transgender behind closed doors. Struggles to interact socially Adam (163-166) “I’m not very good at social interactions anyway, I’m not very good at just chitchat, especially with the, with anyone to be honest, um so that’s always a bit of a worry, especially since coming out was um trans-specifically, um it’s, it’s always a worry because you just don’t know how people are going to react out of all” The individual worries that no one will accept them for their sexuality, so has difficulty interacting with other individuals in general. Fear of others perceptions Adam (171-175) “Like when do I bring up the fact that I am not the women they think I am, um when you know, how are they gonna react, they gonna, are they genuinely going to be supportive and be cool about it or are they going to pretend to be cool about it and then like go home and go ‘Uh I met an UH today’ and or are they just gonna be like, just straight up aggressive um or just horrible” Is afraid of being discriminated by others when one discloses one’s sexuality. Transgender face conflict between society and the self Adam (212-217) “Um, unfortunately that’s not the case with everyone you come across, like it was trans day of remembrance recently, it was a couple weeks ago, a week and a half ago, um 295 documented murders this year since last November, cause they measure it from November to November, 295 and that’s just the ones that we know about There is ongoing brutality towards transgender individuals which either involves or destruction at the hand of others.
and that’s just the murders, let alone people who were pushed to suicide, um so like it sounds really dramatic, but there’s like a war on trans people” Publicity fabricates transgender issues Adam (234-238) “Liberal media likes to paint as progress for trans rights or for trans liberation, but it’s, it’s not really, it’s just come up like a, almost like another way of shutting you down when you try and point these things out and they’re like “well it’s on T.V so what do you have to complain about” or ‘trans people have like legal protections now so shhhh’” Publicity tries to sugar coat the issues that transgender individuals have to go through in order to make transgenderism seem like not a big deal. Shame is concealment of the self Adam (248-249) “Being ashamed of who you are, being made to feel that way, being made to feel that what you are is wrong, that what you are is something to conceal” One conceals their true self to conceal the shame that is bound to one’s sexual identity. Substance abuse and physical pleasure to cope with shame Adam (254-258) “Yea there’s a reason why uh drug abuse is higher in the LGBT community than it is in like the general population, um and I think a lot of that does have to do with shame, um it’s certainly leads to a lot of, not, even if you’re not actively going out your way to go and hurt yourself at least through a lot of risky behaviours, um such as like risky sex, like unprotected sex” People within the sexual minority are more likely to take risks and abuse their body as means to numb the pain and feel pleasure, however it is only temporary. Ashamed of physical appearance from transition Adam (261-264, 266-268) “I feel ashamed about that because I don’t know like you know, it’s just like ‘Who’s gonna wanna be with the freak?’ you know, not just sexually, but also like ‘Who’s gonna wanna stick around to stay with the freak?’” Going through the transition has made the individual feel like an abnormality and abomination that no one would want to be around. Pride used to resist oppression Adam (351-354) “It’s like a yea like dignity and like and like being Pride is used as way of fighting against oppression by