EXERCISE: DESCRIBING YOUR FAMILY SYSTEM (1) List the responsibilities that you have had in your family. (parent, son/daughter, grandparent, grandchild, mentor, friend)? (2) What roles have you played in your family? What role(s) do you play now? (joker, star, bad child, etc.) (3) What about other family members. Can you say who is the most nurturing person in your family? _____________________ How about a peacemaker – does your family have one? Write their name here: _____________________. (4) What relationship in your family or in your life has been the most nurturing of you? Who made you feel safe and loved? ____________________________________________ (5) What were some of the rules in your family? (if you talk you get hit; keep family business private, etc.) (6) Share with the group something about your family rules and the roles you have played. (7) What about Grandpa? If we understand history, it can help us understand family members. Did Mom’s mother die when mom was still very young? Did Dad’s father beat him? Was Grandpa in prison and separated from his kids while they were growing up? Was there plenty of money for food? Did Grandma favor one son over the other, or one grandchild over another? Share something you know about your family history that helps you understand your family today. Is there something in particular that can shed light on the relationship you’ve chosen to work on in this class? Discuss this with the group. Write notes here about what you’re thinking: Drawing Your Family Map CHECK-IN: Please say your name and a couple of sentences about how you’re doing
People take responsibility for themselves Solve problems together Resolve conflict without using violence or verbal abuse Respect the parents or parent figure as leader of the family. Relate easily to people outside the family Total check marks WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR FAMILY’S GREATEST STRENGTH? WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IS YOUR FAMILY’S GREATEST CHALLENGE? DISCUSSION: Share one idea about your family with the group. EXERCISE – POSSIBLE RELATIONSHIP TO TRY TO CHANGE . When you filled out the questionnaire on Day 1, you were asked to list some relationships you wish were different. Make a new list now. It can be the same, or it can be different. List relationships even if you think it’s impossible to make them better. Choose one to focus on in this class. It’s often best to start with the easiest one! List one or two you are most willing or interested in working on:
Person ____________________ What I’d like to be different: Person ____________________ What I’d like to be different: DISCUSSION: Share with others in the group the relationship you chose and how you would like for it to be different. Don’t try to work on fixing any of the relationships now; don’t give advice! Just share. (Make some notes below): EXERCISES: Thinking about relationships you would like to change. First Exercise: Role-play what you would like to say and get ideas from others in the group. If it’s you and your Dad, for instance, let someone in the group pretend to be your dad. You ‘talk’ to him first – just let the other person sit there and listen. Then see if ‘dad’ has any response (SHORT response) – how did he feel listening to you. Then let someone else in the group take your place and pretend to be you. See how they would say what you are thinking and feeling. You might do that twice in order to get more ideas. Depending on time constrains, you may want for only a few people to do this – or you may break up into groups of 3-5 and each group work independently. The goal here is to get a better idea of how you are coming across. How might you say it differently? Practicing ahead of time also makes it more likely that you'll be able to go through with what you want to do. NOTES/IDEAS:
You shouldn’t interrupt me when I’m working. You are wrong. You hate me. You don’t deserve a treat! You should have known better. You are crazy. You make me angry. REWRITING. Here are some examples of rewrites. You’re not her parent. Just because I’m in jail doesn’t mean you can go against what I want! Rewrite: I really appreciate you looking after my kid(s) while I’m here. I just feel so bad that I’m not taking care of them myself. I wish I could be with them more. I understand you have to do what you can, and what you think is best. I’ve just always believed that she should have a regular bedtime (should go to school every day, etc.) You’ve never loved me. You always favored James. I don’t need you! Rewrite: I suppose I’m jealous of James. It has always seemed to me that you favored him over me. I don’t know if that’s true – or if there’s some reason for it that I don’t understand. I’m your son (grandson, daughter), too. I need you. I want things
Healthy families contribute to a child’s well-being. While there are many variations, strength-based research finds remarkable similarities in strong resilient families across cultures and ethnicities. Successful families are described as close and caring, respectful of individual autonomy, exhibiting clear, open, spontaneous communication, effective problem solving skills, and spiritual well-being. Therapists working with children in the 1950s began to notice that often if one child was helped, another became troubled. If all the children were OK, then the parents divorced. They started talking with parents and whole families, rather than just doing individual therapy with the child. The result was Family Systems Theory, a way of looking at the individual in the context of the family – their role in the family, the family’s way of communicating, of expressing feelings. The family’s culture and rules for how to live together. “System” means that all of the parts are interrelated. If one changes they all are affected. Like a mobile. Move one piece and the whole pattern changes. What’s happening to one person, tends to affect the whole. If Mom looses her job, if Grandmother becomes ill or dies, if Dad’s job requires the family to move to a new town when the kids are in high school…. We’re all connected to family, even our very individualistic culture! Individuals in families have roles. An example would be Mom or Dad – or Oldest Child. Other examples or roles are: Good Child, Scapegoat, Smart One, Mediator, Heart of the Family, Star, Baby. Different children in the family often take on different roles.
By family rule, we mean basically patterns that the family has – not all rules are conscious. A simple rule might be “If you disagree with me, it means you don’t love me.” or “If you talk back, you get hit.” Or, “In our family we always tell each other the truth.” Another example of a rule is “If the tension rises between Mom and Dad, Bobby picks a fight with Susie in order to distract them.” The family might not be aware that this is a ‘rule.’ But it happens over and over again. One reason families have rules is in order to stay organized, know what’s happening, and to maintain the family ‘temperature’ within a comfortable range. Like a thermostat – if things get too hot, there’s a rule for how to cool them off (“If we get too angry and I’m afraid I’m going to hit you, I leave the room.”). If things get too cool, there’s a rule for how to warm them up (“We haven’t had any time together lately, let me give you a hug and you can tell me about your day.”) Boundaries exist both with families (the marital subsystem usually excludes kids, or two siblings might be especially close) – And AROUND the family. Some families have a strong family boundary; they stay together and aren’t very connected with others outside the family. Their rule might be “What happens in the family stays in the family.” Or “We don’t wash out dirty laundry in public.” When there is tension between two people, one way to handle it is to ‘triangle’ a third party. We often see this in families when there is tension between parents. They may ‘scapegoat’ a child. A scapegoat child develops problems, is seen as a bad kid, or may become sickly. This allows adults to focus on the child rather than to address their own issues. Parents may pull the child into a cross-generational coalition (be on Mom’s side against Dad). Or the child may be expected to mediate between the two parents, or keep the peace. Triangled children are often not seen for who they truly are, but instead
I Respect You…You Mean The World To Me…That’s Correct…You’re a Joy… You’re a Treasure…You’re Wonderful…You’re Perfect…Awesome…A+ Job… You’re A-OK…My Buddy… You Made My Day…That’s the Best… A Big Hug…A Big Kiss…Say, “I Love YOU! PS: Remember…..A Smile Is Worth A Thousand Words GROWING UP: Age specific tasks for children and parents AGE CHILD’S TASKS PARENT’S TASKS PARENTING TIPS Infants O-6 Months Grow, bond, become aware of senses (touch, taste, sight, sound); become aware of surroundings. Be dependable and responsive; provide love, safety, attention, stimulation, and care. It’s okay to respond quickly and often to infant’s cries and sounds. This helps develop your child’s sense of trust and security. Help infant explore senses by talking, touching, singing, humming. Place colorful toys or mobiles where the infant can see them. Early toddler 6-18 Months Continue to grow and bond; develop motor skills (grabbing, kicking, grasping and holding objects, crawling); explore surroundings and self (playing with fingers, toes, laughing, touching things). Be dependable and responsive; provide a safe place for toddler to explore and allow child to safely explore things; provide encouragement and stimulation; interact by joining child in his explorations. Toddlers are not being “bad” when their exploration leads to a mess or accident, they are being curious. Use redirection to head off problems. Redirect by gently removing the child from a problem activity and substituting a safer or more appropriate activity. Older toddler 18-36 months Continue to explore and develop motor skills; become aware of thoughts and feelings; develop language skills; experience individuation (awareness of self as separate from parents). Provide guidance and limit setting; use your authority as a parent fairly; be a role model for behaviors you want your child to develop; guide child in learning to solve problems. Avoid power struggles by accepting that tantrums and stubbornness are not “being bad” but “being normal.” Set firm limits, but help your child understand that he can express his will and his intense feelings and still be loved and accepted by you. Help your child use words to express feelings and needs. Continue to develop Provide guidance and Guiding, molding, encouraging problem solving,