Appendix D – Assertive behavior looks like… People tend to display different patterns of behaviour depending on the situation they are experiencing. The common categories are: × Flight (Passive) × Fight (Aggressive) Flow (Assertive) Assertive behaviour means we communicate what we think, feel and want in a way that respects the other person. It is honest and appropriate verbal and non-verbal communication. The following tables provide you with an outline that describes these different communication techniques. Non-verbal behaviour Passive - Flight Aggressive - Fight Assertive - Flow Body movement Hunching shoulders Covering mouth with hands Crossing arms for protection Finger pointing Fists clenched Crossing arms (unapproachable) Open hand movements Sitting/standing upright and relaxed Eye contact Evasive Looking down Trying to stare down and intimidate Firm direct eye contact without staring Facial expression Ghost smiles when expressing anger or being criticised Raising eyebrows Jaw trembling, lip biting Smiling may become sneering Scowling when angry Jaw set firmly Smiling when pleased Frowning when angry Features steady Jaw relaxed Speech pattern Hesitant and filled with pauses Fast to slow language Frequent throat clearing Fluent, few hesitations Often abrupt, clipped Emphasising blaming words Often fast Fluent, few hesitations Emphasising key words Steady, even pace Voice Often dull, monotonous Quiet, often dropping away Singsong tone Sarcastic tone Hard and sharp Strident, often shouting, rising at the end Steady and firm Middle range tone Sincere and clear Verbal behaviour Passive - Flight Aggressive - Fight Assertive - Flow Type of language Long rambling statements Fill in words “maybe”, “er”, “sort of” Frequent justifications “I wouldn’t normally say anything, only…” Apologies “I’m terribly sorry to Excessive emphasis on “I” “My view is…”, “I think” Boastfulness “I haven’t got problems like you” Opinion expressed as fact “That’s a useless way to do it.”, “Nobody wants to behave like that” “I statements that are brief, clear and to the point “I like”, “I feel”, “I prefer” Distinction between fact and opinion “My experience is different” Suggestions without ‘should’ or ‘ought’ “How about…”, “Would you
bother you …”, “Please excuse me, but…” Unacknowledged choice “I should”, “I ought”, “I have to” Qualifiers “It’s only my opinion”. “I might be wrong.” Self-dismissal “It’s not important”. “It really doesn’t matter.” Self-put-downs “I’m useless”, “I’m hopeless”, “You know me” Threatening questions “Haven’t you finished it yet?”, “Why on earth did you do it like that?” Threatening requests “You’d better do that”, “I want that done or else” Heavy handed advice “You should”, “You ought”, “Why don’t you?” Blame “You made a mess of that” Sarcasm “You must be joking”, “I don’t suppose you managed to do that?” like me to…?” Constructive criticism without blame “I feel irritated when you interrupt me” Seeking others’ opinions “How does this fit in with your ideas?” Willingness to explore other solutions “How can we get around this problem?” When communicating your verbal messages, consider your use of the terms “and” and “but”: BUT… Tends to negate/dismiss what has occurred or been said previously. AND… Allows you to lead forward into another opinion without negating what has been previously communicated. How do I respond to tricky questions? Consider… Key take-out – focus on what you do know and be honest when you don’t know the answer! Appendix E – Change Curve for managing others Working through and managing emotional responses to change Denial Behaviours Strategies Commitment Behaviours Strategies