Groucho Marx - Wikiquote Groucho Marx Jump to: navigation , search I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. Julius Henry Marx ( 2 October 1890 – 19 August 1977 ), primarily known as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian and actor , famous for his work in the Marx Brothers comedy team, and his solo film and television career. Contents Quotes[ edit ] I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER I get credit all the time for things I never said. A likely story — and probably true. The Al Jolson Show repartee following a trite, scripted Al Jolson joke. (1949)[ specific citation needed ] Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. From his autobiography Groucho and Me (1959) I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER".

Telegram to the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills to which he belonged, as recounted in Groucho and Me (1959), p. 321 [Variant:] "Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member". As quoted in The Groucho Letters (1967) by Arthur Sheekman. The sentiment predates Marx by 61 years, however; it likely originated with John Galsworthy in The Forsyte Saga. In Part I, Chapter II, "Old Jolyon Goes to the Opera" , it's said of Old Jolyon that, "He naturally despised the Club that did take him." after another refused him because he was in a trade. No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. From his book Groucho and Me.

It is a variation of a maxim by 17th-century French nobleman François de La Rochefoucauld : "In the adversity of our best friends, we often find something that is not displeasing." (Maxim 99 from Reflections; or Sentences and Moral Maxims, 1665 edition.) Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet![ citation needed ] (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: "Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!"[ citation needed ]) From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. To S J Perelman about his book Dawn Ginsbergh’s Revenge (1929), as quoted in LIFE (9 February 1962) I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Misattributed[ edit ] I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

Apparently said by Oscar Levant : "I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin" (as quoted in The Wit and Wisdom of Hollywood (1972) by Max Wilk). Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. No known citation to Marx. First appears unattributed in mid-1960s logic/computing texts as an example of the difficulty of machine parsing of ambiguous statements. Google Books . The Yale Book of Quotations dates the attribution to Marx to a 9 July 1982 net.jokes post on Usenet . Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. This may be original with Groucho, but the Quote Investigator mentions the earliest report found in a 1958 issue of Boy's Life magazine where it is attributed to Jim Brewer. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies. Variant: Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

[1] Apparently attributed to Marx in Bennett Cerf 's Try and Stop Me , first published in 1944. A citation of this can been seen in the Kentucky New Era on November 9, 1964 . Also attributed to Marx by Rand Paul in "The Long Stand," ch. 1 of Taking a Stand: Moving Beyond Partisan Politics to Unite America (New York, N. Y.: Center Street, 26 May 2015), p. 5. The original quotation belongs to Sir Ernest Benn (Henry Powell Spring, What is Truth?, Orange Press, 1944, p. 31 ); a first known citation reportedly appears in the Springfield (MA) Republican on July 27, 1930. Quotes about Marx[ edit ] Some years back, after a childhood of preoccupation with comedy that led me to observing the styles of all the great comedians, I came to the conclusion that Groucho Marx was the best comedian this country ever produced. Now I am more convinced than ever that I was right. I can't think of a comedian who combined a totally original physical conception that was hilarious with a matchless verbal delivery.

I believe there is a natural inborn greatness in Groucho that defies close analysis as it does with any genuine artist. He is simply unique in the same way that Picasso or Stravinsky are, and I believe his outrageous unsentimental disregard for order will be equally as funny a thousand years from now. In addition to all this, he makes me laugh. Woody Allen on the liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972) Groucho appeals on so many levels at once that you could go nuts trying to figure out whether it's the funny movement, the incomparable tone of voice, what he is saying, or that keenly witty face that hits you the hardest. I swear that if he never existed, we would sense a lack in the world of comedy, like that planet in the solar system that astronomers say Ought to be there. For me he is The Master. Dick Cavett on the liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972) Groucho Marx is the only actor I ever allowed to ad-lib in a show I wrote. That was because I couldn't stop him. George S.

Kaufman on the liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972) George Kaufman and I wrote a lot of funny lines for Groucho, some of which he occasionally used... but it was Groucho who by his innate sense of timing and his inimitable delivery, added the ingredient that brought the house down. Morrie Ryskind on the liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972) I Don’t Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member | Quote Investigator I Don’t Want to Belong to Any Club That Will Accept Me as a Member Friars Club? Delaney Club? Beverly Hills Tennis Club? Hillcrest Country Club? Dear Quote Investigator: There is a wonderful story about Groucho Marx and an elite private club. I have heard so many variants of this tale that I was hoping you would investigate. In one version Groucho resigns from a club, and in another version he refuses to join a club. He sends a telegram or a letter saying something like the following: I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. The club is called: The Friars Club of Beverly Hills, The Delaney Club, The Lambs Club, The Beverly Hills Tennis Club, or The Hillcrest Country Club. What do you think? Quote Investigator: Evidence shows that Groucho Marx crafted a magnificently humorous line that has become a comedy classic. However, the same evidence does not reveal the exact wording of his comical gem or the precise circumstances of its employment. Yet, there is some agreement; for example, sources concur that Groucho was resigning from a club, and he was not refusing to join one. On October 20, 1949 the Hollywood columnist Erskine Johnson published the tale.

This is the earliest instance located by QI [EJGR]: Groucho Marx’s letter of resignation to the Friars’ Club: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.” On October 13, 1951 the only son of Groucho, Arthur Marx, published a version of the anecdote in Collier’s Magazine. This is the earliest variant by a close family member with intimate knowledge of Groucho. Over the years Arthur Marx recounted different narratives of this episode, and some will be presented further below. In 1951 he said that Groucho joined the Friars Club at the insistence of friends, but he did not participate. So Groucho sent in a letter of resignation [AMG1]: In the next mail, he received a letter from the club’s president, wanting to know why he had resigned.

My father promptly wrote back, “Because I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member!” In 1959 Groucho himself told about resigning a club in his memoir “Groucho and Me”, but he presented a fictionalized version of the story in which the club was referred to as the Delaney Club [GMGR]: The following morning I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. In 1988 Groucho’s son wrote another description of the resignation in his book “My Life with Groucho: A Son’s Eye View”. In this version Groucho resigned from the Hillcrest Country Club and not the Friars Club or the Delaney Club [AMG3]. Dear Board, I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Sincerely yours, Groucho Marx. These four variants of the tale are the most salient in QI’s opinion, but several more are available. No one seems to know the exact wording of the resignation message which is endlessly mutable. Here are selected citations in chronological order.

As noted above the earliest cite located by QI is dated October 20, 1949 in Erskine Johnson’s gossip column. The next cite is dated October 27, 1949 in the newspaper column of Jimmie Fidler. The phrasing is slightly different [JFGR]: Groucho Marx, irrepressible wit. In resigning from the Friars club Mr. Marx, incapable of passing up an opportunity for a gag-line, wrote: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” On November 2, 1949 the columnist John Crosby told the tale. He said the resignation was from the Friars club and the wording of the message was the same as that given in Erskine Johnson’s column [JCGR].

In January of 1950 the high-circulation Reader’s Digest mentioned the anecdote and cited Crosby [RDGR]: Groucho Marx recently, I’m told, resigned from the Friars Club with the simple, chilly explanation: “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.” — John Crosby in New York Herald Tribune In March of 1950 the humorist Leo Rosten wrote a profile of Groucho Marx for Look magazine that included a different wording for the saying. This variant appeared in the Yale Book of Quotations [LMGR][YQGR]: To the Friars Club in Hollywood, from which he recently resigned, he sent the following note: “I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.” In April of 1951 the Los Angeles Sentinel ran a distinctive version of the anecdote which named the Lambs Club as the recipient of the resignation message [LSGR]: When Walter Kiernan was inducted as President of Circus, Saints and Sinners (the lorgnette club in NY), he telegram’d the following message: “.. please accept my resignation.

I do not care to belong to any organization that would have me as President!” Thass awright, Sam, but it’s the same witty wordage Groucho Marx wired to the sediddy Lambs club in ’48! In October of 1951 Groucho’s son wrote an article for Collier’s magazine as noted above. Here is a longer excerpt [AMG1]: Once, however, when he was in a gregarious mood, he let some friends persuade him to join the Friars Club. After months of refusing to take part in any of the club’s activities, he finally decided it was foolish to pay dues any longer and sent in his resignation. In the next mail, he received a letter from the club’s president, wanting to know why he had resigned. My father promptly wrote back, “Because I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member!” In 1954 Groucho’s son wrote on the subject a second time in his book “Life with Groucho”.

Here is an excerpt [LGGR]: Jessel has always been able to make Father laugh, and as a favor to him, he joined the Hollywood chapter of the Friars Club a couple of years ago. But Father doesn’t like club life, and, after a few months, he dropped out. The Friars were disappointed over losing him, and wanted to know why he was resigning. They weren’t satisfied with his original explanation — that he just didn’t have time to participate in the club’s activities. He must have another, more valid reason, they felt. “I do have another reason,” he wrote back promptly. “I didn’t want to tell you, but since you’ve forced the issue, I just don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member.” In 1959 Groucho presented a humorously fictionalized account in his memoir “Groucho and Me”.

The comedian described an event at the Delaney Club during which he was unhappily seated next to a “barber who had cut me many times, both socially and with a razor” [GMGR]: At one point he looked slowly around the room, then turned to me and said, “Groucho, we’re certainly getting a lousy batch of new members!” I chose to ignore this remark and tried talking to him about Chaucer, Ruskin and Shakespeare, but he had switched to denouncing electric razors as a death blow to the tonsorial arts, so I dried up and resumed drinking. The following morning I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON’T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. In 1988 Groucho’s son presented a third recounting of the episode.

This time the identity of the club is changed from the Friars to the Hillcrest Country Club [MLGR]: In the late thirties, when our whole family was very much into tennis, Groucho decided to drop out of the Hillcrest Country Club, because he didn’t want to have to pay dues to two clubs, the other one being the Beverly Hills Tennis Club. But he found he just couldn’t phone the Board of Directors and tell them he was quitting. They insisted he write an official letter of resignation. This request resulted in one of his most oft-quoted lines: `Dear Board, I don’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. Sincerely yours, Groucho Marx.’ In conclusion, this is one of Groucho’s quintessential jokes. Yet, the specifics of the anecdote vary, and no one has presented physical evidence of the letter or telegram. QI suggests using the version of the line given by Groucho in his memoir, or the earliest 1949 version. (Many thanks to Gregory B.

Gregory whose email provided the inspiration for the construction of this question and the performance of this investigation.) [EJGR] 1949 October 20, Dunkirk Evening Observer, In Hollywood by Erskine Johnson, Page 22, Column 5, Dunkirk, New York. (NewspaperArchive) [AMG1] 1951 October 13, Collier’s magazine, Groucho Is My Pop by Arthur Marx, Page 14, Column 2, P.F. Collier, New York. (Verified on paper) [GMGR] 1995 [reprint of 1959 edition], Groucho and Me by Groucho Marx, Chapter 24, Page 321, Da Capo Press Inc., New York. (Verified with Amazon Look Inside) [AMG3] 1992 [reprint of 1988 edition], My Life with Groucho by Arthur Marx, Pages 187-188, Robson Books Ltd., London.

(Verified on paper) [JFGR] 1949 October 27, Oregonian, Stanley Kramer Praised For Making Economy Films by Jimmie Fidler, McNaught Syndicate, Page 6 [GNB Page 26], Column 4, Portland, Oregon. (GenealogyBank) [JCGR] 1949 November 2, St. Petersburg Times, Marx Badgers Contestants by John Crosby, [Unreadable Page Number; Maybe 12] GN Page 14, Column 6, St. Petersburg, Florida. (Google News archive) [RDGR] 1950 January, The Reader’s Digest, Rejoinders, Page 140, Volume 56, The Reader’s Digest Association. (Verified on paper) [LMGR] 1950 March 28, Look magazine, Groucho…The Man From Marx by Leo Rosten, Page 83, Column 1-2, Cowles Communications, Inc., New York. (Verified on microfilm) [YQGR] 2006, The Yale Book of Quotations by Fred R.

Shapiro, Section: Groucho Marx, Page 498, Yale University Press, New Haven. (Verified on paper) [LSGR] 1951 April 05, Los Angeles Sentinel, From Harlem to Hollywood by J.T. Cipson, Page B1, Los Angeles, California. (ProQuest) [LGGR] 1954, Life with Groucho by Arthur Marx, Page 54, New York, Simon and Schuster. (Google Books snippet view; Visually verified on paper thanks to a librarian at the University of South Florida) link [MLGR] 1988, My Life with Groucho: A Son’s Eye View by Arthur Marx, Pages 187-188, Robson Books, London. (Verified on paper) Annie Hall (1977) - Quotes - IMDb Annie Hall (1977) Showing all 57 items [last lines] Alvy Singer : [narrating] After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and...

and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs. [In California] Annie Hall : It's so clean out here. Alvy Singer : That's because they don't throw their garbage away, they turn it into television shows. Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options Alvy Singer : I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me.

And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable. Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options [first lines] Alvy Singer : [addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly. The... the other important joke, for me, is one that's usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud's "Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious," and it goes like this - I'm paraphrasing - um, "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

[Alvy addresses a pair of strangers on the street] Alvy Singer : Here, you look like a very happy couple, um, are you? Female street stranger : Yeah. Alvy Singer : Yeah? So, so, how do you account for it? Female street stranger : Uh, I'm very shallow and empty and I have no ideas and nothing interesting to say. Male street stranger : And I'm exactly the same way. Alvy Singer : I see. Wow. That's very interesting. So you've managed to work out something? Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options Alvy Singer : [the man behind him in line is talking loudly] What I wouldn't give for a large sock with horse manure in it! Alvy Singer : [to audience] Whaddya do when you get stuck in a movie line with a guy like this behind you? Man in Theatre Line : Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion? It's a free country! Alvy Singer : He can give it... do you have to give it so loud? I mean, aren't you ashamed to pontificate like that?

And the funny part of it is, Marshall McLuhan, you don't know anything about Marshall McLuhan! Man in Theatre Line : Oh, really? Well, it just so happens I teach a class at Columbia called "TV, Media and Culture." So I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan, well, have a great deal of validity! Alvy Singer : Oh, do ya? Well, that's funny, because I happen to have Mr. McLuhan right here, so, so, yeah, just let me... [pulls McLuhan out from behind a nearby poster] Alvy Singer : come over here for a second... tell him! Marshall McLuhan : I heard what you were saying! You know nothing of my work! You mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you got to teach a course in anything is totally amazing! Alvy Singer : Boy, if life were only like this! Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options [Alvy confronts Annie about having an affair] Alvy Singer : Well, I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd surprise you. Pick you up after school. Annie Hall : Yeah, but you wanted to keep the relationship flexible.

Remember, it's your phrase. Alvy Singer : Oh stop it, you're having an affair with your college professor, that jerk that teaches that incredible crap course, Contemporary Crisis in Western Man... Annie Hall : Existential Motifs in Russian Literature. You're really close. Alvy Singer : What's the difference? It's all mental masturbation. Annie Hall : Oh, well, now we're finally getting to a subject you know something about. Alvy Singer : Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. Annie Hall : We're not having an affair. He's married. He just happens to think I'm neat. Alvy Singer : "Neat." What are you, 12 years old? That's one of your Chippewa Falls expressions. Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options [Alvy Singer does a stand-up comic act for a college audience] Alvy Singer : I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final, you know. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was thrown out, my mother, who was an emotionally high-strung woman, locked herself in the bathroom and took an overdose of Mah-Jongg tiles. I was depressed at that time. I was in analysis. I was suicidal as a matter of fact and would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian, and, if you kill yourself, they make you pay for the sessions you miss. 16:9 - Februar 2007 - In English: The Original Function of Groucho Marx's Resignation Joke Groucho Marx sent the following wire to a Hollywood club he had joined: "Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” Introduction Jokes that play on self-disparagement should not be taken at face value, as though they were unequivocally sincere expressions of the way in which the jokester actually perceives him- or herself. Sometimes the self-presentation involved is based on a fictional persona, propped up as a target of ridicule, such as the character Jack Benny played in his radio and television shows, when he gave new meaning to the concept of stinginess.

The most memorable radio sketch was the one in which Benny is stopped by a mugger who says something like, "All right, buddy, your money or your life," after which the continuing silence becomes funnier with every passing second. To mistake the fictional character who can't decide whether he cares more about his own life or the money he is carrying at the moment, for the person pretending to be that character, would be stupid, even if one didn't know that in his private life, Benny was notoriously generous in giving to charities. It is also common for professional entertainers to base their jokes on a potential liability for their career – turning that liability into an asset. This is what George Burns did for decades, with self-disparaging jokes that call the audience's attention to the state of his aging body and his presumed loss of sexual viability.

For example at a show he did in 1974, at the age of 78, he made such cracks as: "At my age, the only thing about me that still works is my right foot – the one I dance with," and "The only thing that gets me excited is if the soup is too hot." Through these jokes, the comedian turns to his own advantage a condition which might otherwise interfere with his continued acceptance as a vital entertainer. Some comediennes use jokes disparaging their sexual attractiveness in much the same way, such as Phyllis Diller's "I never made Who's Who but I'm featured in What's That," and "Have you ever seen a soufflé that fell? – nature sure slammed the oven door on me." The present article is a slightly modified version of a chapter in the author’s book, Life Is Like a Glass of Tea: Studies of Classic Jewish Jokes (Aarhus: Aarhus University Press, 1992), pp. 121-130. One of the all-time classics of self-disparaging humor is Groucho Marx's famous telegram.

In reconstructing the situation in which the comedian actually used the telegram, I will try to show in a kind of "case study" of the joke, that the last thing on Groucho's mind was any concern with his own failings as a human being. But first, a brief discussion of the way in which the joke was used by Woody Allen, will help to set the stage for our analysis. Annie Hall Soon after the opening credits of Annie Hall (1977), Woody Allen tells the "Resignation Joke" while facing the camera (fig.2), in his role as Alvy Singer (1): The – the other important joke for me is one that's, uh, usually attributed to Groucho Marx but I think it appears originally in Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious. And it goes like this – I'm paraphrasing: Uh... "I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." That's the key joke of my adult life in terms of my relationships with women.

(Allen, 1983: 4) This "key joke" functions here as a self-diagnostic tool enabling our hero – as well as the viewer – to conceptualize a particular neurotic pattern in the life of a person who allows his feelings of unworthiness to prevent him from wanting any woman who would want him. This self-diagnostic use of the joke is further developed in a subsequent scene in which Alvy Singer interrupts his love-making with Allison Portchnik, and succeeds in engaging her in a discussion of John F. Kennedy's assassination (fig. 3-4). When Allison says: "You're using this conspiracy theory as an excuse to avoid sex with me," Alvy replies: Oh, my God! (Then, to the camera) She's right! Why did I turn off Allison Portchnik? She was – she was beautiful. She was willing. She was real... intelligent. (Sighing) Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That – that I – I just don't wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member?

(Allen, 1983: 22-23) As already seen, Alvy attributed this joke to Sigmund Freud's Wit and its Relation to the Unconscious (1905). Actually, neither the joke itself nor any likely forerunner appears in that book. Alvy's creator was probably thinking of a joke which had appeared in Theodor Reik's Jewish Wit in the following form (2): Every day in a coffee house, two Jews sit and play cards. One day they quarrel and Moritz furiously shouts at his friend: "What kind of a guy can you be if you sit down every evening playing cards with a fellow who sits down to play cards with a guy like you!" (Reik, 1962: 57-8) Alvy's confusion of Reik's book with Freud's, takes nothing away from Woody Allen's brilliant use of the joke in Annie Hall. Virtually nothing has been written about the "Resignation Joke" in the literature on Groucho Marx. This is surprising, considering the notoriety enjoyed by the joke, especially since interest in it was revived by Woody Allen in 1977.

Furthermore, none of the commentators who discuss the joke at all – Sheekman (3), McCaffrey (4), Wilson (5) and Arce (6) – raise the question as to why Groucho sent the famous telegram and what purpose it was intended to fulfill. The situation in which the telegram was sent will now be reconstructed, after which the original function of the "Resignation Joke" will be described, and an attempt will be made to account for its effectiveness in fulfilling that intended function. The Friar's Club Incident We have two sources of information concerning the context in which Groucho Marx first used the "Resignation Joke." The earlier of these sources is the biography written by the comedian's son, Arthur Marx, who provided the following account: [The actor, Georgie] Jessel has always been able to make Father laugh, and as a favor to him, he joined the Hollywood chapter of the Friar's Club a couple of years ago. But Father doesn't like club life, and, after a few months, he dropped out. The Friars were disappointed over losing him, and wanted to know why he was resigning.

They weren't satisfied with his original explanation – that he just didn't have time to participate in the club's activities. He must have another, more valid reason, they felt. "I do have another reason," he wrote back promptly. "I didn't want to tell you, but since you've forced the issue, I just don't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member." (A. Marx, 1954: 45) Since this biography appeared in 1954, "a couple of years ago" would place the incident somewhere in the vicinity of 1950-1952, assuming that a year or two may have elapsed between the writing and the publication of the book. The other account we have was written by the comedian himself in the autobiography that was published in 1959. Much unpleasantness had apparently been omitted from the earlier record, perhaps out of discretion, in order to avoid offending anyone, or because any public criticism leveled at the club had to come from Groucho himself, and not his son.

And even here, Groucho took the precaution of withholding the name of the club, which appears under the same alias ("Delaney") that is jokingly applied to a number of parties portrayed in the autobiography in an unfavorable light. Groucho begins by telling of his general aversion for clubs, and this is consistent with the earlier description in his son's book, though here the aversion is concretized to a fuller extent: I'm not a particularly gregarious fellow. If anything, I suppose I'm a bit on the misanthropic side. I've tried being a jolly good club member, but after a month or so my mouth always aches from baring my teeth in a false smile. The pseudo-friendliness, the limp handshake and the extra firm handshake (both of which should be abolished by the Health Department), are not for me. This also goes for the hearty slap-on-the-back and the all-around, general clap-trap that you are subjected to from the All-American bores which you would instantly flee from if you weren't trapped in a clubhouse. (G.

Marx, 1959: 320) In the remainder of his account, specific grievances Groucho had against the Friar's Club (alias "Delaney Club") come to light: Some years ago, after considerable urging, I consented to join a prominent theatrical organization. By an odd coincidence, it was called the Delaney Club. Here, I thought, within these hallowed walls of Thespis, we would sit of an evening with our Napoleon brandies and long-stemmed pipes and discuss Chaucer, Charles Lamb, Ruskin, Voltaire, Booth, the Barrymores, Duse, Shakespeare, Bernhardt and all the other legendary figures of the theatre and literature. The first night I went there, I found thirty-two fellows playing gin rummy with marked cards, five members shooting loaded dice on a suspiciously bumpy carpet and four members in separate phone booths calling women who were other members' wives. A few nights later the club had a banquet. I don't clearly remember what the occasion was. I think it was to honor one of the members who had successfully managed to evade the police for over a year.

The dining tables were long and narrow, and unless you arrived around three in the afternoon you had no control over who your dinner companion was going to be. That particular night I was sitting next to a barber who had cut me many times, both socially and with a razor. At one point he looked slowly around the room, then turned to me and said, "Groucho, we're certainly getting a lousy batch of new members!" I chose to ignore this remark and tried talking to him about Chaucer, Ruskin and Shakespeare, but he had switched to denouncing electric razors as a death blow to the tonsorial arts, so I dried up and resumed drinking. The following morning I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. (G. Marx, 1959: 320-321) Allowances should certainly be made for a good deal of exaggeration in the account cited above. Much of it is tongue-in-cheek, and designed to entertain the reader. However, the basic picture, regarding Groucho's attitude toward the Friar's Club, can undoubtedly be taken at face value.

If the two accounts – the son's and the father's – are allowed to complete each other, we can conclude that the full sequence of events probably looked something like this: 1) Groucho allows himself to be talked into joining the Friar's Club, though he doesn't like clubs in general. 2) He quickly becomes fed up with this club in particular, because of what he sees as its low intellectual and ethical standards. 3) The last straw is the final offensive remark in a series of insults to which he is subjected by a member of the club. 4) Groucho notifies the club that he is quitting, inoffensively giving as his excuse that he just doesn't have time to participate in the club's activities. 5) Unhappy about Groucho's resignation and sensing that there may be more to it than the comedian is letting on, club members press him for the "real" reason. 6) Wanting to be done with this entanglement once and for all, Groucho pretends to disclose the real reason in the famous telegram, and is left alone from then on.

Seen in this light, it is clear that the "Resignation Joke" was invented to fulfill a tactical purpose: that of extricating Groucho from an unpleasant situation, by discouraging any further efforts on the part of club members to obtain a fuller explanation as to his reasons for resigning. But why did it work? To some degree, the apparent self-disparagement may have had a disarming effect. However, I suspect that two properties of the telegram played an even more important role in enabling it to fulfill its intended social function. One of those properties is a defiance of logic of essentially the same type as that found in impossible figures which induce cognitive confusion by violating their own logic in so logically compelling a manner that we cannot grasp how they fit together. “Penrose triangle” "I just don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." Arthur Marx, Life with Groucho. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1954; p. 45. "I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." Groucho Marx, Groucho and Me. New York: Bernard Geis, 1959; p. 321.

"I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member." Arthur Sheekman in Groucho Marx, The Groucho Letters. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1967; p. 8. "I wouldn't belong to any organization that would have me for a member." Joey Adams, Encyclopedia of Humor. Indianapolis and New York: Bobbs-Merrill, 1968; p. 359. "I wouldn't join a club that would have me as a member." Lore and Maurice Cowan, The Wit of the Jews. London: Leslie Frewin, 1970; p. 96. "I wouldn't belong to an organization that would have me as a member." Donald W. Mc­Caffrey, The Golden Age of Sound Comedy. South Bruns-wick and New York: Barnes, 1973; p. 74. "I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member." Woody Allen's film, Annie Hall (1977).

"I don't care to belong to any social organization that will accept me as a member." Hector Arce in Groucho Marx, The Groucho Phile. London: W. H. Allen, 1978; p. xv. "I don't wish to belong to any club that would accept me as a member." Christopher P. Wilson, Jokes: Form, Content, Use and Function.. London: Academic Press, 1978; p. 190. "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member." William Novak and Moshe Waldoks, The Big Book of Jewish Humor. New York: Harper & Row, 1981; p. 85. "I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members." Joseph Dorinson, "Jewish Humor. Mechanism for Defense, Weapon for Cultural Affirmation," Journal of Psycho-History 8, 4 (1981); p. 452.

"I do not wish to belong to the kind of club that accepts people like me as member." "I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member" - ***Dave Does the Blog | ***Dave Does the Blog “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me as a member” by ***Dave on Tue 5-May-09 9:16pm · 9 comments in Religion So said Groucho Marx. I wonder if he was posthumously baptized by the Mormons, as it now turns out (against the “rules,” but what are rules when salvation is on the line?) was done to Barack Obama’s mother, Stanley Ann Dunham — d. 1995, LDS baptized and endowed 2008. There are plenty of people up in arms about this. I am, perhaps, too insensitive over it, but I consider it, at worst, a rather rude act in bad taste — sort of like spreading false gossip about the dearly departed when they aren’t there to defend themselves. I mean, let’s look at the alternatives: Death is it. No afterlife.

So, aside from the family members feeling cheesed off at someone spreading theological rumors about their departed one, no harm, no foul. The Mormons are right. Okay, well, then, they’ve done her a favor. (cf. Pascal’s Wager ) Doing this is casting some sort of evil spell on the departed that sucks them away from their richly deserved paradisaical afterlife into the LDS orbit. How wude! (This one’s sort of the opposite of Pascal’s Wager.) The Mormons are wrong. Whatever heaven / nirvana / valhalla you’re headed for is where you go, no matter what gets thrown over the transom after you get there. Or whatever awaits individuals in the afterlife is so beyond any of the conventions, posthumous baptism is utterly irrelevant (I tend to think this latter is the case, but that’s just my gut hunch). In this case, again, no harm, no foul, aside from temporal irk of the survivors. So, really, let the Mormons do their thing here.

I really don’t believe it makes any difference to the departed (I plan to get quite the chuckle over it when my membership arrives in whatever passes for a mailbox wherever I’m going — right alongside all the other junk mail). And for the survivors here, it just shows that the Mormons don’t care what people think of them, and are just as autocratic in their treatment of the dead as they are said to be in their treatment of the living. 6,748 view(s) Category Catalog Recent Comments RIP, Miguel Ferrer - Kristi Brown: After watching the last few months of NCIS: Los Angeles, I knew we would be... The "Logan" Trailer - Dave Hill: An article on the creation of that comic book from the trailer:... Ignorance is bliss. Sweaty, sweaty bliss - Stacy Sanchez: It's fun to watch Eric defend his stance while the rest... Is "Hellboy 3" in the works? - Laura Ess: I thought the first two captured the spirit of the comic really... Alan Tudyk as Heihei the Chicken - Dave Hill: You appear to have put me in one of your circles, +Barbara Lemley ,... Groucho - What's My Line?

- YouTube Groucho - What's My Line? Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. The interactive transcript could not be loaded. Loading... Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Uploaded on Feb 25, 2008 Groucho is the mystery guest - during this April 23, 1967 episode he tells the famous story of not wanting to belong to any club that would have him as a member. Category I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. - Groucho Marx - BrainyQuote I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Find on Amazon: Groucho Marx Cite this Page: Citation Quotes - The Marx Brothers The Marx Brothers Support this site, shop here: Search: | Disclaimer | Frank Bland's Why A Duck? | Mikael Uhlin's Marxology | Choose your colour: Light Dark Custom Search Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

attributed to Groucho Marx From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. Groucho Marx Go, and never darken my towels again. Groucho Marx I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Groucho Marx I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. Groucho Marx I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. Groucho Marx Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others. Groucho Marx Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Groucho Marx Margaret Dumont: "Why, that reminds me of my youth!!" Groucho: "He must be a pretty big boy by now." Groucho/Margaret Dumont (Movie) "Come get your ice-cream! Come get your tootsie-frootsie ice cream!" Chico in A Day At the Races (movie) Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books" Chico/ Groucho in A Day At The Races (Movie) Man: Are you a man or a mouse? Groucho: Put a piece of cheese on the floor and you'll find out. Groucho in A Day at the Races (movie) If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you! Groucho in A Day at the Races (Movie) And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! Groucho in A Day at the Races (Movie) Groucho: "Do you like gardinia's?" Woman: " Why Yes I Adore Them.

How did you know?" Groucho: " I Didn't so I got you a forget-me-not instead." Groucho/Margaret in A Day At The Races (movie) Chico: "What's the matter, Mister?" Groucho: "Oh, we got into an argument and he pulled a knife on me so I shot him." Chico and Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie) (introducing Mrs C. to Mr. G) Mrs Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb; Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool; Mrs Claypool, Mr Gottlieb; Mr Gottlieb, Mrs Claypool! If you four people want to play bridge, don't mind me, go right ahead. Groucho in A Night at the Opera (Movie) Lassparri: "They threw an apple at me!" Groucho: "Well, watermelons are out of season." Groucho in A Night at the Opera (movie) "The party of of the first part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the first part..." and "The party of of the second part..." is hereinafter called: "the party of the second part...

Groucho and Chico in A Night at the Opera (Movie) "Don't you know what duplicates are?" "Sure. There's five kids up in Canada." "Well, I wouldn't know about that. I haven't been to Canada in years." Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera Groucho: "Get outta here before I get arrested." Chico: "Nah I'd like to stay and see that." Groucho and Chico Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie) ... and two hard boiled eggs ... Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie) 9 dollars and 40 cents? Thats an outrage! If I were you I wouldn't pay it! Groucho Marx in A Night At The Opera (movie) Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight." Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie) Groucho: Do you follow me? Margaret Dumont: Yes! Groucho: Well, you better stop following me, or I'll have you arrested.

Groucho Marx in A Night at the Opera (movie) Chico- Can he live in NY on $3? Groucho- Like a prince. Of course he won't be able to eat, but he can live like a prince. Groucho, Chico in A Night at the Opera (Movie) Groucho: "That's in every contract, that's what you call a sanity clause." Chico: "You can't a fool a me there ain't no sanity clause" Groucho/Chico in A Night at the Opera (movie) We've got to speed things up in this hotel. Chef, if a guest orders a three-minute egg, give it to him in two minutes. If he orders a two-minute egg, give it to him in one minute. If he orders a one-minute egg, give him a chicken and let him work it out for himself. Groucho in A Night in Casablanca (movie) Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really?

Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere Groucho Marx in A Night in Casablanca (Movie) Hundred aces huh?...Two hundred... thats even better Chico in Animal Crackers (Film) I got his tie what did you get...the birth mark thats great Chico Marx in Animal Crackers (Film) "I came here for a party and what do I get? Nothing. Not even Ice cream." Groucho in Animal Crackers (Movie) I'll do anything you say. In fact I'll even stay. But I must be going. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) We must remember that art is art. Well, on the other hand water is water isn't it? And east is east and west is west. And if you take cranberries and stew them like applesause they taste much more like prunes than rubarb does. Now uh...now you tell me what you know. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) Do you mind if I don't smoke? Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) If I were a man, you would resent that.

Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) I'll show you a thing or three. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) quote, unquote, and quote. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) Alright, leave it out and put in a windshield-wiper instead. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) I'm Captain Scotland of the Spalding Yard. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) Captain Yard of the Scotland Spalding Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) Well, all the jokes can't be good. You've got to expect that once in a while. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) That's a date, now, Saturday at three. No, you better make it Tuesday. I'm going to Europe Monday. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem? What do you think of the marriage problem? What do you think of at night when you go to bed, you beast. Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) "One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother?

Not even your grandfather!" Groucho in Animal Crackers (movie) One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. The tusks. That's not so easy to say. Tusks. You try it some time. As I say, we tried to remove the tusks. But they were embedded so firmly we couldn't budge them. Of course, in Alabama the Tuscaloosa, but that is entirely ir-elephant to what I was talking about. Groucho in Animal crackers (Movie) Groucho: Did you ever see a tree like that? Chico: Tree? That's a spinage. Groucho: That can't be spinage. Where's the egg? Groucho and Chico in Animal Crackers (movie) Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa: 'We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed.

But we're going back again in a couple of weeks !' Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers (movie) GROUCHO:"You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open." CHICO:"Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes." Groucho/Chico in Animal Crackers (movie) Margaret Dumont: I'm not the dummy. Chico: Well, you could be. Margaret Dumond and Chico in Animal Crackers (movie) Crowd: Hooray for Captain Spaulding. The African explorer. Capt. Spaulding: Did someone call me schnorer Crowd: Hooray, Hooray, Hooray. Groucho in Animal Crakers (movie) Cab driver: Hey mister, $18.75 Groucho: 1875? That's what I thought. The 1940 models run much smoother.

Groucho in At The Circus (movie) "I'll teach you to kick me..." "You don't need to teach me I already know how!" Chico in Duck Soup (movie) Sure we shadowed him: Tuesday we sit outside his house all day, but he no home. Wednesday we went to the ball game, he fool us and no show up. Thrusday he go to the ball game, but we fool him and we no show up. Friday it was a double header, nobody show up, so we stay home and listened to it on the radio. Chico in Duck Soup (movie) Attorney: That kind of testimony we can eliminate. Chico: Atsa fine I'll have a nice cold glassa lemonade. Chico in Duck Soup (movie) Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie) Attorney: Chicolini, when were you born? Chicolini: I don't remember. I was just a little baby.

Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie) I could dance with you till the cows come home...But I would rather dance with the cows till you come home Groucho in Duck Soup (Movie) Why a four year old child could understand this. Run out and get me a four year old child, I can't make head or tail out of it. Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) Well, that covers a lot of ground. Say, you cover a lot of ground yourself. You better beat it - I hear they're going to tear you down and put up an office building where you're standing. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. You know, you haven't stopped talking since I came here? You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle.

Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) I can see you standing over a hot stove, but I can't see the stove Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) If any form of pleasure is exhibited, report to me and it will be prohibited Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) Minister: "We need to take up the tax" Groucho: "I'd like to take up the carpet." Minister: "I still insist we take up the tax." Groucho: "He's right - you've gotta take up the tacks before you can take up the carpet." Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) I danced before Napoleon. No, Napoleon danced before me - in fact, he danced two hundred years before me. Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) Treasury Secretary: "Sir, you try my patience!" Firefly: "Don't mind if I do. You must try mine sometime." Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) Don't look now but there's one man too many in this room and i think it's you. Groucho in Duck Soup (movie) Groucho: How would you like a job at the mint? Chico: Mint? I don't like mint.

What other flavors you got? Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (movie) Groucho: Just for that I'm not going to give you the job I was going to give you. Chico: What job? Groucho: Secretary of War Chico: Alright, I take it. Groucho and Chico in Duck Soup (movie) Pick a number from one to ten. Eleven. Right! Groucho and Chico Marx in Duck Soup (movie) FIREFLY: To my dentist. Er .. 'Dear Dentist: Enclosed find cheque for five hundred dollars. Yours very truly.' Send that off immediately. BOB:I'll ... er I'll have to enclose the cheque first. FIREFLY: You do and I'll fire you. Groucho and Zeppo Marx in Duck Soup (movie) Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did. Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie) Rufus T. Firefly "My father was a little Headstrong, my mother was a little Armstong.

The Headstrongs married the Armstrongs and that's why darkies were born." Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie) I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it. Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie) Mrs.Teasdale: Your Exellency, I really don't know what to say. Firefly: I wouldn't know what to say either if I was in your place. (to Ambassador Trentino) Maybe you could suggest something. As a matter of fact, you DO suggest something! To me you suggest a baboon! (Ambassador gasps, and looks insulted) Firefly:(afterthought) I'm sorry I said that. It isn't fair to the rest of the baboons. Groucho Marx/Margaret Dumont in Duck Soup (movie) MD "Closer... closer...

closer...." GM "If I were any closer, I'd be in the back of you" Margaret Dumont, Groucho Marx in Duck Soup (movie) CHICO: "I would like the west better if it was in the east" chico in Go West (movie) GROUCHO: "That's a midicine man... can you imagine taking a teaspoon full of him?" Groucho in Go West (movie) GROUCHO: "You love your brother don't you?" CHICO: "No but i'm used to him." Groucho and Chico in Go West (movie) CHICO: "They say the gold is laying all over the tracks eh Rusty all over the tracks." GROUCHO: "The way he looks it's like he's been laying all over the tracks." Groucho and Chico in Go West (movie) Chico: "Who are you?" Groucho: "Im fine, thanks. Who are you?" Chico and Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie) "Members of the faculty, faculty members. Students of Huxley and Huxley's students.

Well I guess that covers everything" Groucho in Horse Feathers (Movie) "Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?" Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie) Have we got a college? Have we got a football team?....Well we can't afford both. Tomorrow we start tearing down the college. Groucho in Horse Feathers (movie) (Chico and Groucho on hands and knees) " Thats no way to go into a speakeasy thats the way to go out " Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie) And even when you've changed it all condensed it, i'm against it! Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie) Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story thats so dirty, I'm ashamed to think of it myself. Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (Movie) Zeppo: Dad, I'm proud to be your son Groucho: You took the words right out of my mouth.

I'm ashamed to be your father Zeppo and Groucho Marx in Horse Feathers (movie) Chico: "The garbage man is here." Groucho: "Well, tell him we don't want any." Chico and Groucho Marx in I'll Say She Is (show) "The indians are coming! Put your scalp in your pocket!" (puts man's toupee in his pocket.) in Monkey Business (movie) You pay us a little we be a little Tough... You pay us alot we be alot Tough... Chico in Monkey Business (Movie) "you got it alright, and you can keep it" Chico in Monkey Business (movie) MAN: What's the idea putting your hand in my pocket CHICO: Just a little mistake. I had a suit once just looked like that, and for a moment I thought those were my pants. MAN: How could they be your pants when I've got them on? CHICO: Well, this suit had two pair of pants. Chico Marx in Monkey Business (movie) Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped. Groucho Marx in Monkey Business (movie) If you have ten dollars better see me in the morning.

If you've got six can I lend you four? Groucho in The Cocoanuts (movie) Hammer: Come over here, Rand McNally, and I'll explain this thing to you. Now look, this is a map and diagram of the whole Cocoanut section. ... Hammer: ... Now, here is a little peninsula, and, eh, here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. Chico: Why a duck? Hammer: I'm alright, how are you? I say, here is a little peninsula, and here is a viaduct leading over to the mainland. Chico: Alright, why a duck? Hammer: (pause) I'm not playing "Ask Me Another," I say that's a viaduct. Chico: Alright! Why a duck? Why that...why a duck? Why a no chicken? Hammer: Well, I don't know why a no chicken; I'm a stranger here myself. All I know is that it's a viaduct. You try to cross over there a chicken and you'll find out why a duck. Chico: When I go someplace I just...

Hammer: (interrupts) It's...It's deep water, that's why a duck. It's deep water. Chico: That's why a duck... Hammer: Look...look, suppose you were out horseback riding and you came to that stream and you wanted to ford over...You couldn't make it, it's too deep! Chico: Well, why do you want with a Ford if you gotta horse? Hammer: Well, I'm sorry the matter ever came up. All I know is that it's a viaduct. Chico: Now look, alright, I catch ona why a horse, why a chicken, why a this, why a that... I no catch ona why a duck. Hammer: I was only fooling...I was only fooling. They're gonna build a tunnel there in the morning. Now is that clear to you? Chico: Yes, everything excepta why a duck. Groucho and Chico in The Cocoanuts (movie) Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water! Groucho Marx in The Cocoanuts (movie) Who's buried in Grant's tomb?

Groucho in You Bet Your Life (TV) “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” (Groucho Marx) | Grhgraph's Blog “Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.” (Groucho Marx) Posted on January 22, 2011 by grhgraph I doubt that anyone who reads this blog regularly will be surprised to hear that I love sarcasm. My first words as a child were probably, “yeah, so what’s your point?” I don’t have any great insight into how this happened but it has become such a huge part of my personality that I couldn’t write this blog without it. It’s most likely a subconscious defense mechanism for the insanity of everyday life. Let’s face it, the world is a strange and absurd place where people do and say some crazy sh*t. As a life long student of human nature and the written word I have encountered many examples of pure sarcasm that serve as my inspiration. Allow me to share my collection of wonderfully sarcastic wit. “Terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers.

The terrorists threatened to release one every hour until their demands were met. ” Denis Leary “Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. ” Rita Rudner “I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.” Groucho Marx “I did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards and in high heels.” Ginger Rogers “In Canada a gay marriage is one in which the husband doesn’t watch hockey.” Conan O’Brien “If brains were lard, Jethro couldn’t grease a pan.” Jed Clampett “When Sinatra dies they’re giving his zipper to the Smithsonian.” Dean Martin “Don’t you hate it when you’re shoveling snow and uncover a Jehovah’s Witness?” David Letterman “I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.” George Carlin “Doctors are prescribing Prozac for severe PMS. Not in pill form.

The husband shoots it into her from fifty feet away with a dart gun.” Jay Leno “My uncle was the town drunk and we lived in Chicago.” George Gobel “Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day, lying in bed dying of nothing.” Redd Foxx “Lord give me chastity, but not yet.” St. Augustine “I always wanted to get into politics, but I wasn’t light enough to make the team.” Art Buchwald “I don’t know what people have against the government, they’ve done nothing.” Bob Hope “Stay away from Ecstasy. It’s a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance.” Lenny Henry “I believe in clubs for women, but only if every other form of persuasion fails.” W.C. Field “The two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” Harlan Ellison “Writers are a little below clowns and a little above trained seals.” John Steinbeck “My wife is a compulsive shopper. She would buy anything marked down. Once she came home with an escalator.” Henny Youngman “My mother hated me.

Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle.” Phyllis Diller “I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.” Groucho Marx “If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?” Steven Wright ©Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com, 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Guy R. Horst and grhgraph.wordpress.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. Share this:

Question: Who said "I don't want to belong to any club that will have me for a member"?
Answer: Groucho Marx