"'Allo 'Allo!" Reviews & Ratings - IMDb IMDb trailers and videos full cast and crew trivia official sites memorable quotes Overview 4 out of 5 people found the following review useful: Ingenious show on a WW2 backdrop 24 April 2008 *** This review may contain spoilers *** "Allo,allo" was one of my first sitcom-experiences,it was launched when I was 8 and well before the boom of American sitcoms in Sweden. It felt cozy despite being set on a WW2 backdrop,it dealt with difficult subjects in a humorous manner without ever being tasteless.It corroborated the fact that laughter may be a very effective and uniting way of dealing with difficult and tabooed issues. Of course it's full of ethnic stereotypes(not least the British!),but they are almost always created with heart and warmth.Even the Germans. The show rotates around René Artois,a café-owner in the small town of Nouvion somewhere in France.He's married to Edith Melba since many years,and he's constantly cheating on her.Mostly with his waitresses,Yvette and Maria(who is replaced by Mimi Labonq in season 3).

René's dilemma is surviving the war with as little trouble as possible and to do so he feels compelled to stay on the sweet side of both the Resistance,the German army,the Gestapo and the communist resistance.Not an easy task. The German lieutenant Gruber is gay and is almost immediately attracted to René,who despite the fact that he's not only bald and corpulent,but also married seem to be the most sought-after man in Nouvion. Other significant characters is Edith's mother Fanny LaFan(mostly referred to as "the silly old bat" by René),Michelle of the Resistance with her ever reoccurring one-liner "listen carefully,I shall say this only once",Fanny's fiancé Monsieur Leclerc(possibly Edith's father),Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker(and Edith's suitor)and the ever hilarious officer Crabtree,a British intelligence agent who works under cover in Nouvion disguised as a police officer.Known for his bad french. And of course the waitresses.And the German colonel Von Strohm,lieutenant Gruber,Gestapo officer Flick and his sidekick Engelbert Von Smallhausen,Helga...all very enjoyable.

Some one-liners are repeated a bit too often,like when René calls Edith "you stupid woman" each time she catches him in the arms of a waitress,but it doesn't matter much. Few people will be able to resist the charm of this Britcom classic. Buy the box and enjoy when you feel cold and sad,it's a remedy as good as any,I promise! Was the above review useful to you? 4 out of 5 people found the following review useful: Read this very carefully, i shall write this only once. from the Netherlands 17 February 2008 "'Allo 'Allo!" is an terrific comedy most commonly known because of its funny accents. Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft experimented with a storyline that continues through the episodes: the paintings for example. But still, every episode has a story of its own. 'Allo 'Allo! is set in Nazi occupied France, in a little town called Nouvion. Café owner René Artois is trying to get through the war by dealing with the Germans (and one Italian), the Gestapo, the Resistance, the Communist Resistance, his affairs with his waitresses and his wife.

Besides that, there's also the "french-speaking" secret agent Crabtree, who is dressed as a gendarme. René is usually mixed up in some ridiculous plan of Michelle ("i shall say this only once") of the resistance to help the British airman, who are hiding in his café, to escape. In the series, fun is made out of almost everything involving the war. This is why there was a lot of criticism when the show first aired. I think we shouldn't take 'Allo 'Allo! so seriously, it's just a brilliant and timeless comedy. Was the above review useful to you? 4 out of 5 people found the following review useful: Once of the best comedies ever written 29 March 2006 LISTEN CAREFULLY I WILL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE I have watched every episode from pilot to finale many times over and i still laugh. If you cant laugh at allo allo then there is something truly wrong with you its British humor at its best.

i only wish there were more comedies being produced that were up to this standard, that had the acting talent,the scripting, the sheer skill that came with this series i loved it the first day i watched it and i will love it till the day i die True genius is never realised until something or someone is gone and i feel this is the case here Gordon Kay you rock Professor chaos has spoken from United Kingdom 12 July 2016 This is British comedy at it's very best. After all these years I still laugh at the same things I have seen many times before. What makes it so good? Well of course first there is the writing which is top notch. Then there is the characters, each one a wonderful parody of a stereotype and many that would not pass the ridiculous political correctness of today's unfunny so called comedies. Rene, played brilliantly by Gordon Kaye finds himself in one ridiculous situation after another. Women fall for him (which is a joke in itself) and there are some often repeated but still very funny moments to savour. When his wife catches Rene in an embrace with another woman, his response "You stupid woman, can't you see ...etc. etc" is comedy gold.

But as many others have said Arthur Bostrom as Officer Crabtree is just one of the best comedy creations in any series. A take off from Peter Sellers Inspecter Clouseau I am sure but still very very funny. "Gid moaning. I have bad nose. I have a massage from Michèlle" One I can watch over and over again. Brilliant! Was the above review useful to you? 3 out of 4 people found the following review useful: Classic British sitcom 26 December 2013 *** This review may contain spoilers *** Allo Allo started out as a one off in 1982,but was well received enough by viewers, to become a regular BBC sitcom and ran for eight series, attracting 17 million viewers at its peak. Allo Allo is a send up of the seventies BBC drama, Secret Army, where a cafe owner hid downed British airmen from the Nazis and took part in resistance activities.

However, while Secret Army certainly wasn't a comedy, Allo Allo sent up Secret Army by replacing Albert, the resistance hero, with a cowardly, double dealing restaurant owner called Rene, played brilliantly by Gorden Kaye, who is a reluctant resistance member, hiding two idiotic RAF pilots from the Gestapo. Also while being a fairly useless member of the French Resistance, he is hiding two valuable paintings for the Nazis and hoping to cash in when the Nazis win the war and sell the paintings. For all a few viewers complained to the BBC that Allo Allo was demeaning the brave work of the French resistance and portraying the Nazis, particularly Gestapo man Herr Flick, as incompetent buffoons rather than sadistic and evil, the whole point of David Croft's sitcom was to send up every wartime stereotype going. Hence the French were shown up as cowardly, devious and lusty, Germans as kinky, cruel( in a humorous way in Allo Allo) and insensitive, the British as upper class twits and Italians as lazy and untrustworthy.

Yet without a fantastic script by David Croft and an excellent cast, Allo Allo could have flopped, but went on to become the biggest sitcom of the mid eighties. Catchprhases such as " I shall this only once" in an exaggerated French accent, " you stupid woman" whenever Rene was caught by his wife with one of the waitresses, and Officer Crabtree's mangled attempts at speaking French, " I am a poloceman", entertained millions for years. Special mention has to be made of Richard Gibson's Herr Otto Flick, the Gestapo officer who was constantly being thwarted and coming off worse( in one case being blown up), Kirsten Cooke's hilarious French resistance leader Michelle, and Guy Siner as the gay Nazi, Gruber, who fancies Rene and pursues him throughout the series. Sadly political correctness would probably stop a show like Allo Allo being made now, but repeats prove there is a healthy market for such a good sitcom that is still hilarious thirty years later. Was the above review useful to you? 3 out of 4 people found the following review useful: The Candle With The 'Andle.

28 November 2010 *** This review may contain spoilers *** 'Allo Allo' is a great comedy series that carries on the classic old British tradition of farce. Ordinary situations are driven into complete absurdity, employing the comedy of manners and double entendres. Brian Rix was the past master of his day in British theatre, whilst the 'Carry On' franchise pushed it into sexual innuendo overdrive. Because it is such a traditional format of light entertainment, it has tended to lose ground against the more modern, cruel 'fringe' style of comedy. That's a pity, because of one thing we can be certain: the likes of 'Allo Allo' and its kinder contemporaries will continue to be shown in repeats long after each generation of 'fringe' has been consigned to the dustbins of history. Just check-out the up-coming terrestrial TV Christmas schedules. Gordon Kaye plays small-town restaurateur Rene in WW2 occupied France. He has more problems that can easily be counted. Although a patriot, he is also a coward. Unfortunately, his cafe is favoured by the German high-command, whilst also employed as a clearing-house by the Le Resistance.

All manner of intrigues develop over which he has no control. Fugitive British pilots are concealed in his cellar, bombs are brought in through his kitchen, German officers take wine in his bar and plot their post-war lives, usually to be funded by a famous stolen painting. Rene is the focus of desire by both of his waitresses as well as his wife. At the same time, the female leader of the French resistance also adores him, though she would as readily execute him in the name of Liberty. Adding to his woes comes homosexual German Lt Gruber, who has likewise developed a fondness. Nobody and no nation is spared. Brits, French, Germans and Italians are each presented in a national pastiche that is often biting but never cruel. Bizarre situations abound. A cranky, bed-ridden old mother-in-law unwittingly plays host to the concealed radio. The undertaker is in love with Rene's wife. Arthur Bostrom plays a British spy masquerading as a gendarme with pronunciation issues. Richard Gibson is the resolutely conniving gestapo officer complete with leather trench-coat and bumbling side-kick Von Smallhausen.

This series has so many sight-gags, double-entendres, lampooned characters and spoof situations that it is literally a laugh a minute. At times, moments appear to be overplayed, but that's all part of the farce mentality - it's supposed to be like that. The series ran from 1982-1992. today, most of the principal characters have passed away, whilst those who survive have grown old with justified grace. So: it's history. But happily, because of its historical setting, it will never age. As a piece of farce, I believe this program exceeds everything that has gone before, even the ever-popular 'Are You Being Served'. Much loved and very highly recommended. Was the above review useful to you? 3 out of 4 people found the following review useful: Francesca, I think I'm in love! from Ireland 10 March 2009 I have Series 1 to 7 on DVD, and while I've seen all of the Porridge series, I haven't even got to Dad's Army yet. That says something for the farce style quality of 'Allo 'Allo.

While the series tailed off at the end it's great to see how the cast settle in over the first 3. By the time they got to "Gateaux in the Château" in Series 3 all the characters had developed their style and the budget was obviously improving. The script by David Croft is, and the entire cast are, superb. But in particular I fully agree with comments on Jack Haig ("can you never underplay anything?" - Rene at the bridge before the insane handover of the famous picture in the knockwuerst), and of course Sam Kelly. His portrayal of Capt. Hans Geering was sublime, and the series deteriorated when he left. Kirsten Cooke occasionally showed a wonderful leg - if you watch carefully, but, for me, Francesca Gonshaw (as waitress Maria Recamier in the earlier series) was totally captivating. Watch when she's in the background of a scene, and not spitting lines; stunning face. Strangely she left the series and never seemed to do TV or Film again. I hope she's happy at whatever she's at. I'm watching the scene in the prisoner of war camp as I write this.

Rene is jumping from a roof onto a see-saw to propel Hans over the fence - part of the fun is that the entire cast were obviously having a ball doing this. Timeless classic. from Belgium 11 February 2006 I agree with most of the previous comments, except for the opinion expressed by Ian Witham, sorry about that. I've seen a great number of episodes when it was run by the BBC before 1990. The situations and the characters made me laugh right from the start. And I remember that, during a journey in London, I went to the Palladium Theater (more precisely on December 31, 1989) to see the stage performance of "Allo, Allo" by René and his fellow actors. I love this sitcom. I already have the series 1 to 4 on DVD. Actually, my only concern is to know when the following series (from 5 to 9) are going to be released. Does anybody can answer ? Or help me to find out sort of an answer ? Thinks weary mooch... Was the above review useful to you?

4 out of 6 people found the following review useful: Believably insane from Arnhem, Holland 8 May 2010 This series to me is the number two of British comedy. Number one is and remains the completely insane "Fawlty Towers". "Mr. Bean" is in third position. 'Allo, 'Allo was on Dutch (and Flemish) TV and was repeated several times. And that was a good thing, for the jokes and situations are so ridiculous that most of them need a second and sometimes third viewing. I will not retell the story, for many have done before me. A few things are really striking. The first is the great way all English actors utilize an accent, thus pretending to be either English, French, German or Italian. Even for people whose mother tongue is not the English language, but who understand it, this works perfectly well. Secondly is the repetitive use of the same joke, only slightly different. The latter is best shown by Renee, the café owner. He is extremely attractive to the young women working in his bar. Why he is so attractive to them probably is the greatest mystery in both: heaven and hell.

Regularly he is caught by his evil wife, Edith, holding one of the young women in his arms. She will always ask a question like: 'Renee, why are you holding that young girl in your arms?' His reply varies, but always starts with 'You stupid woman!' Soon you will wait for the famous question, the well known answer and wait for the excuse he comes up with this time. This comedy is intelligently written, played and directed. It is top of the bill of comedy and proves that English humor is far better than American humor, for it really bites. Not only the Germans, but the French and even the the British are ridiculed! The only American comedy that has the same kind of bite ever produced was "All in the Family". Still the comparison to any American series I would like to make with "'Allo, 'Allo" actually is "Soap", for this has the same insane kind of humor. Was the above review useful to you?

4 out of 6 people found the following review useful: a fan 19 December 2005 *** This review may contain spoilers *** excuse me anti-British sitcom people out there, ALLO ALLO IS THE GREATEST BRIT SITCOM EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO, THE GREATEST SITCOM EVA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i mean, like any1 who has actually watched it knows how good it is. i love all the characters, esp. Helga and Herr flick! what a cute couple! (sort of) contact me if u love either of them, k? don't you reckon they should of got married? i do . well any way, i am very disappointed that any1 would target a great show just because you have a problem. any1 who thinks that the general was a sleaze or sexist contact me because that is my view exactly. Was the above review useful to you? Page 3 of 5: 'Allo 'Allo! Quotes. QuotesGram 0 Share Capt.

Hans Geering: Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau! René: Simple plans are always the best. 0 [Hans has accidentally run over Herr Flick's car with a steamroller] Herr Flick: This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party! 0 Share Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty. 0 Lt. Hubert Gruber: You notice I am walking very gingerly. René: Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers. Lt. Hubert Gruber: You should not believe everything you hear, Rene. 0 Col. Von Strom: Ah, Helga. What can we do for you? Capt. Hans Geering: Judging from past experience, very little. 0 Capt. Bertorelli: Generalissimo, I embrace you. [bearhugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste] Capt.

Bertorelli: Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal. [produces medal] Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Ah, the Italian War Hero Medal. I have never seen one of these... 0 Edith: Listen carefully, Michelle said this only once. 0 [upon seeing Leclerc's latest disguise] René: Man of a thousand faces, every one the same. 0 Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Heil Hitler! Officer Crabtree: Hole Hotler! Capt. Bertorelli: What a mistake-a to make-a. 0 René: We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet. 0 Herr Flick: I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. [opens a drawer] Herr Flick: Ah, here they are. Helga: What have you in mind, Herr Flick? Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing. Helga: Hitler's speeches quite amusing? Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck. 0 [Michelle is disguised as a window cleaner] René: Hang on a minute.

You have not finished my windows. Michelle Dubois: Screw your windows! 0 Share Officer Crabtree: God Moaning. The resist-once have accqo-aired a bum. They are going to ex-plod the whaleway brodge. 0 Monsieur Alfonse: Perhaps Madame Edith will make me the happiest man alive... René: I thought you wanted to marry her? 0 Share [Edith has devised a plan to help get the airmen to the P.O.W. camp via the graveyard] René: Edith, if this plan fails, there will not be a wall in Nuvion big enough to shoot us all against. 0 [Rene is shaving in the bathroom when there is a knock on the door] Yvette Carte-Blanche: Rene, what are you doing? René: Cutting my throat, my love. 0 Capt. Hans Geering: Rene, your wife has many talents. Col. Von Strom: Singing isn't one of them.

0 Share [Maria has disguised the airmen as waitresses, so René mimes to them that they must not go upstairs with the Germans] Flying Officer Carstairs: [turning to Fairfax] What was all that about? Flying Officer Fairfax: I think he means that if Hitler comes in and wants us to go upstairs with him, we're not to go. Flying Officer Carstairs: Is he like "that," then? Flying Officer Fairfax: Oh, yes. René: [to the others] And they must not speak. [Rene turns to the airmen and mimes that they must be silent] Flying Officer Carstairs: What does that mean? Flying Officer Fairfax: Well, if we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone. Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it. 0 René: But you won't shoot me? Col. Von Strom: That goes without saying. René: I would feel better if you said it, just the same. 0 [the airmen have come downstairs, minus their mustaches, dressed as serving girls] Flying Officer Fairfax: Carstairs, you're standing like a tart again.

[Carstairs drops his arm to his side] Edith: [looking the airmen up and down] No one will suspect them. They look just like the staff. René: Edith, the Germans *take* the staff upstairs from time to time. If they took these two upstairs, do you not think that their suspicions will be aroused? Yvette Carte-Blanche: We are much more attractive. They will take us. René: And suppose there is a rush? Flying Officer Carstairs: What are they saying, Fairfax? Flying Officer Fairfax: I've no idea - it's all in French. 0 Yvette Carte-Blanche: What is happening? Maria Recamier: We were both aroused by the banging. Edith: I too was aroused by the banging. Roger Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles. 0 René: [to Madame Fanny] You silly old bat! 0 Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Guards! Arrest all Gypsies driving fire engines. 0 [the airmen have entered the cafe disguised as pallbearers, when a squad of Germans arrive] Flying Officer Carstairs: What's going on?

Michelle Dubois: [English accent] Jerries. Keep quite or you'll be shot. Flying Officer Fairfax: [looking down] We're wearing the right clobber for it. 0 Share Herr Flick: [to the tune of the Hokey Pokey] You put your right boot in, you take your right boot out, you do a lot of shouting and you shake your fists about. You light a little smokie and you burn down ze town, zat's vot it's all about. Ah, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler... [cut off by telephone] Col. Von Strom: [about Hitler] Do you think he has a screw loose? Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set is falling apart in there! 0 Share [in order to save René from the duel with Monsieur Alphonse, the colonel intends to have a military practice at the site and kill him in the crossfire] René: I don't know, is it possible to just wound him? Capt. Hans Geering: With a 22mm shell, "just wounding" may be difficult.

0 Share Herr Flick: I will not be reporting this incident to Berlin. I do not wish to look a right 'nana. 0 René: But if Herr Flick knows about that he will shoot me... slowly and painfully. 0 Officer Crabtree: I was pissing by the door when I heard a shat. 0 René: [to wife Edith] Youuuuuu stupid woman! 0 [to a member of the Communist Resistance] Capt. Bertorelli: You are a beyoodiful lyedee, but what a cow. 0 Officer Crabtree: My lips are soiled. 0 Flying Officer Carstairs: Look at my knees [lifts up his "skirt"] René: Why is he showing you his knees? Michelle Dubois: He was a scrubber at ze nunnery. René: No wonder they threw him out. 0 Cafe Rene - Episode Guide Series 1-4 Denise Kelly as Maquis Leader (of the Communist Resistance) Phoebe Scholfield as Michelle's Assistant (during the raid) Quote of the show: "Colonel, we are Germans!

To have our uniforms made in London must be against the rules!" - Hans 1.3 Saville Row To The Rescue [ my old made-up title: Bols Gin & Onion Sellers ] The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitroglycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway. But thinking it's gin, Edith begins spreading the nitro around - to her mother and the hens in the back. Although they attempt to get their spare uniforms, the Colonel and the Captain find that they have been sent to Paris for cleaning and are not available. Which makes them desperate, as they have found out that General Von Klinkerhoffen, the famously hard-nosed German General, is coming to visit the next morning.

The German officers insist on joining Rene and company when they go out on their expedition that night - the Resistance is heading out to blow up the railway with the gin, but first they intend to rendezvous with a plane from England, which is reportedly bringing the new German uniforms, and will take back the painting (to be forged) and the two airmen (effecting their escape). Luckily, the Germans being along is a help when they need to get past an unexpected sentry; unluckily, the plane that arrives is carrying not the uniforms, but a tailor to do a fitting - and is only a two-seater, so it can't take the airmen back with it... Rene handles his Bols with care! Additional Actors: John Bluthal as the Tailor (from London) Kim Wall as the German Sentry Phoebe Scholfield as Michelle's Assistant Graham Seed as the Pilot Quote of the show: "In these clothes we are equal!" "On the contrary! My onions are bigger than your onions, and I have two rows." - Hans and the Colonel arguing about seniority. 1.4 The Execution [ my old made-up title: The Death of Rene ] Introduces: General Von Klinkerhoffen.

Also: first-ever use of "It is I, Leclerc!" In the wake of the failed attempt to get the airmen out by plane, the Resistance decide to blow up one of the German railways. To do this, they intend to use the remaining nitroglycerine; but Hans mistakes it for gin (gee, I wonder why?) and nearly drinks it - but in his panic of discovery he accidentally blows up the railway himself! The noise draws the Germans, who capture Rene, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, Leclerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the Colonel and the Captain (now freshly attired in their spare uniforms) have the only known saboteur shot. This means - Rene's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad! Additional Actors: "Of course, Madame, I can help you. I have been in many French nicks!" - Monsieur Leclerc.

1.5 The Funeral [ my old made-up title: Rene's Funeral ] Introduces: Monsieur Alphonse Having cheated death, Rene is now masquerading as his own twin brother as Edith has moved the airmen into the now-empty henhouse out back of the cafe. Herr Flick visits the Colonel and the Captain and chews them out for not having taken down the names of the peasants at the execution - therefore, they will have to attend the funeral and get names there. Meanwhile, M'sieur Alphonse the Undertaker, comes to measure Rene's body for the coffin (and charge tons of money for the coffin, nameplate, handles, etc), and Herr Flick attends the funeral. But the Resistance leave some land mines with the Cafe staff, and they hide them in an unfortunate place, which leads to a meeting between Herr Flick and a pile of flying dirt... Additional Actors: Michael Stainton as the German Sergeant (uncredited, but we spy Harold Bennett (Young Mr. Grace of AYBS) in the funeral party) Quote of the show: "Excuse me - may I say something? They shot him.

You cannot have 'Sadly Missed'" - Yvette rejecting a proposed inscription for Rene's tombstone. 1.6 Reds Nick Colonel [ my old made-up title: Kidnapped! ] It is Colonel Von Strohm's birthday, and Rene is hosting a party for him. The airmen have moved indoors and are hiding under the kitchen table, with their heads under serving covers. But as they are celebrating, the Colonel and the Captain are kidnapped by the Communist Resistance in retaliation for having killed Rene. While searching for the now-missing officers, Herr Flick begins interrogating the peasants in the cafe - and Rene and Michelle remove the radio and codebook in case the Gestapo search the cafe. As the DeGaulle Resistance (Michelle's group) prepare to rescue the officers, and as the Communist Resistance bring in Rene to shoot his "brother's" murderers, the parachute drop of the German uniforms and the real & forged paintings is made, confusing the Communists. Michelle effects the rescue by disguising the cafe crew as German soldiers, scaring away the Communists and allowing everyone to get out of the remote barn, with Hans pocketing the paintings as they make their way back to the village.

Meanwhile, Helga has to use the crank to get Herr Flick's Staff Car running again, just in time for the Gestapo to take possession of the forged painting. Or *is* it the forged one? Ooops! Additional Actors: "What is happening? We were aroused by the banging." - Maria & Yvette. 1.7 The Dance of the Hitler Youth [ my old made-up title: Hitler Youth ] The first use of: "You stupid woman..." As Rene and Maria attempt a tryst by the Brie, Michelle arrives to announce that Monsieur Leclerc will arrive momentarily disguised as a cheeseseller, with their new replacement radio. Then, as Rene and Yvette attempt a tryst in the back room, Edith interrupts. But enough about attempted trysts - it is now up to Rene & Co to swap the forgery for the real painting before Herr Flick sends the painting to Hitler on the train. Leclerc arrives and delivers a large suitcase full of cheeses, and tells Rene that the radio is inside as well, and already connected - which leads to a hilarious exchange with the activated radio inserting odd phrases and sounds at inopportune moments in Rene's conversation with Lt. Gruber.

While the Germans celebrate the anniversary of the burning down of the Reichstag (by having girls dress as Hitler Youth and dance Traditional Old Bavarian Dances), and Herr Flick crashes the party, Rene & Edith don German disguises and attempt to effect the swap in Herr Flick's office. But Helga is shocked to find that Flick has himself ordered a forgery - and since Rene and Edith fail in their mission, Flick now has two forgeries and an original. But which is which? Meanwhile, the plan to get the airmen out of France this time is to disguise them as Hitler Youth out for "exercise" on the beach, and then get them in a boat. Luckily, Rene and Edith are still in German Officer uniforms and they can bluff their way through the guards. Unluckily, nobody told the Airmen that they were going to have to row across the Channel, and neither thinks they can do it. So the plan is cancelled as the crew fakes some "exercises" before returning to the cafe.

Dancing as Hitler Youth 2.1 Six Big Boobies [ my old made-up title: Riddle of the Six Boobies ] First use of Helga's "Bring him in here!" As the episode opens, Rene informs us that the airmen have been removed to hide in a nunnery. But we know that situation can't last long, right? And since Rene has been "shot dead", Edith is on a hunt for his will - once she finds it, she goes on a shopping spree for a new hat, since he left everything to her. She also decides to take Fanny and Leclerc out for a fancy dinner, to show off her new status as a rich available widow - and the waitresses push Rene to marry *them*. Now Colonel Von Strohm is on the warpath, looking for the airmen. He is delighted to find they are no longer at the cafe, but he attempts to blackmail Rene into revealing the names of the resistance, or failing that, to spy upon them. Rene turns the tables on him with a letter detailing the... rather sticky fingers... the Colonel has, which he says will be given to Herr Flick if anything happens to him.

Meanwhile, now owning *three* copies of the painting of the Fallen Madonna With the Big Boobies by Van Clomp, Herr Flick enlists the help of Lieutenant Gruber in determining which is genuine. Finally, the airmen, disguised as nuns, end up at the cafe again. Michelle resorts to holding a gun on Rene to force him to hide them again and he reluctantly accedes to her demands. But while he is out retrieving his wandering wife and mother-in-law, the girls hide the airmen in the last place anyone would look - in the piano! This episode contains the absolutely classic "plinky plinky plonk plonk" version of Lilli Marlene. Additional Actors: James Gow as the German Soldier Quote of the show: "He fell out of a Gestapo car, over a bridge, onto a railway line, and was run over by the Berlin Express. It was an accident." - Herr Flick informing us that the forger he employed is no longer available.

2.2 The Wooing of Widow Artois [ my old made-up title: Sausages Under Wraps ] First appearance of the "flashing knobs" Rene realizes he must woo Edith again in order to reacquire his cafe - and he finds it hard to believe anyone else would want to marry her, considering all the trouble the cafe gets into. For instance, Michelle has just shown up to prepare the airmen for the latest escape plan. They are still disguised as nuns, but are now hiding in the attic above Fanny's room. The current plan involves a plane landing tonight in a field - and to get the airmen to the field, Michelle disguises them as a cow (though it's a rather goofy-looking cow). Herr Flick has decided in the meantime to conceal the paintings inside knockwurst sausages, and flashes them to Helga. His plan involves a sausage with the original painting hung in Rene's kitchen while the forgery-filled sausage will go to Colonel Von Strohm to be sent to Hitler.

But Helga clues in the Colonel and the Captain, and they end up with an ingenious plan to substitute various sausages, and soon end up playing "pass the sausage" -- literally. Additional Actors: Rusty Goffe as Pierre Legrand (a Suitor for Madame Edith's hand) Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant) James Gow as "London Calling" voice Quote of the show: "Nobody would dare to touch a Gestapo sausage." - Herr Flick explaining why the painting is safe simply hanging in Rene's kitchen. 2.3 The Poloceman Cometh [ my old made-up title: Cows & Crabtree ] Introduces: Officer Crabtree First time Flick answers the phone with "Flick the Gestapo!" This episode is collected on a commercially available videotape (see the merchandise page for details). We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package.

The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not... Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train. But Helga works out a plan involving Lt. Gruber's armored car and its mounted 20 mm gun, and Rene and Hans end up out trying to shoot the train. Plus in this episode: Hitler's speeches at double speed! Additional Actors: Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant) Gordon Dulieu as a German Soldier David Beckett as a German Sergeant Quote of the show: "I have disgeezed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom." - Officer Crabtree explaining his "disgeeze" 2.4 Swiftly and With Style [ my old made-up title: Hitler's Sausage ] This episode is collected on a commercially available videotape (see the merchandise page for details).

Once again we pick up mere moments after the previous episode ended, with Rene and Hans returning to the cafe in Gruber's stolen armored car. Crabtree, though, has notified Gruber that his car has been stolen, and Gruber has called in Herr Flick who is hot on the trail of the stolen vehicle. As Edith and the girls ride bicycles to the rescue, the armored car is captured by Michelle and the Resistance. But as Flick arrives and the Resistance escape, Helga dreams up a wonderful explanation for why Rene and Hans are out in the borrowed car, and Herr Flick blows up his own Gestapo Staff Car. As they disguise themselves in preparation for an escape to neutral Switzerland, the Colonel and the Captain are greeted by the news that the "troon has been bummed by the RAF", according to Crabtree. Meanwhile, Monsieur Alphonse shows up to court the Widow Artois, leading Rene to cry his eyes out to convince Edith to marry him again. Michelle arrives to enlist Rene to mend the silk balloon (which was inside the escape package delivered with Crabtree last episode) to help the British airmen to escape.

This means acquiring a lot of silk very quickly -- and the only convenient source seems to be the knickers of the town. Additional Actors: Phoebe Scholfield as Henriette (Michelle's Assistant) Peggyann Clifford as a French Lady (from whom Leclerc tries to steal knickers) Quote of the show: "In spite of my years I am still fit enough to bang -- thank you -- a coffin together." - Monsieur Alphonse wooing Madame Edith 2.5 The Duel [ my old made-up title: The Duel ] Introduces: Herr Von Smallhausen (though he is just named "Gestapo Man" in the credits) At the end of last episode, M'sieur Alphonse challenged Rene to a duel for the right to Edith's hand. Rene tries plan after plan to get out of it, from avoiding the seconds to wearing armor at the duel. Colonel Von Strohm devises a plan to have the Germans practicing maneuvers the morning of the duel, and "accidentally" blow up the undertaker. But Hitler has discovered that the blown-up sausage did not contain a painting, and Herr Flick has been sent to arrest the officers responsible.

Meanwhile, the balloon is completed and taken to a barn. Also: the British airmen are disguised as French policemen by Crabtree! ("It's nose to spike your tongue!") Preparation for the duel. "Are we a loon? I wish to tick with you." - Officer Crabtree 2.6 Herr Flick's Revenge [ my old made-up title: Gestapo Torture ] After having run away from the Duel, Rene meets up with the Resistance (who are holding a secret meeting in a haystack) and they provide him with a disguise as one of their number, while the Resistance explain to Monsieur Alphonse how important Rene is to their cause. The airmen are now disguised as French girls, and Helga comes to Rene to report that Herr Flick has the Colonel and the Captain in the dungeon and will torture the truth out of them -- if they can remember how it goes. Rene is captured by Von Smallhausen and joins the officers in their imprisonment. When the gang are tortured in the Gestapo prison, the girls break in to leave the suicide pills and Gruber calls in General Erich Von Klinkerhoffen in hopes he can override the Gestapo.

Meanwhile, the Knickers Balloon dreamed up in 2.4 takes off full of airmen, with the assistance of Monsieur Alphonse, who now believes Rene is "the bravest man in all France." Additional Actors: Paul Cooper as the German Tailor Lisa Anselmi as the leader of the Communist Resistance party Ian Hanham as the German soldier leading the "policeman brigade" Gabrielle Dellal as a Communist girl Quote of the show: "Pay careful attention, this is the plan. The brackets have cracked and are coming away from the wall." - Michelle having a little trouble while trying to explain her plan. 3.2 Gruber Does Some Mincing (or Gruber Carpeted) [ my old made-up title: Counterfeiting & Lawnmowers ] Gruber's runaway Alsatian dog has ended up with the sausage with the painting, and returned it to Gruber. Herr Flick captures Gruber and interrogates him, discovering that Gruber found the painting in the sausage and removed it, noting it was a forgery. Now Flick knows that the painting in his now-minced sausage was a forgery, so he is on the lookout for the original again.

Rene then talks Gruber into making yet another copy of the painting, and ends up getting Gruber cut in on the deal. So Rene straps the sausage with the original painting around Maria's bosom and sends her off to the chateau to deliver it to Gruber. Rene also needs to repay the anxious Monsieur Alphonse, so he gets Monsieur Leclerc to reveal where he has been hiding the counterfeit francs he has been making and gives Alphonse the forged money, who in celebration begins a spending spree. Meanwhile, Michelle steals the motor from General Von Klinkerhoffen's lawnmower to power the airplane for the airmen's escape, and hides it in Fanny's wheelchair. Additional Actors: Sherry Louise Plant as Yvette, Michelle's Resistance assistant Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice Quote of the show: "'Allo Nighthawk's mother-in-law -- are you reading me?" "No, the print is too small. Please send a bigger book." - Fanny answering the voice of London Calling.

3.3 The Sausage In the Wardrobe [ my old made-up title: Secret Passages ] Maria, having been detained by Von Klinkerhoffen with the Fallen Madonna Sausage strapped to her bosom, is imprisoned in the chateau and the General relieves her of the sausage. As Von Klinkerhoffen lets it be known that the return of his lawnmower's motor will result in the release of the girl, lots of people attempt to replace the "real" sausage with a forgery, from Herr Flick (using Helga to distract the General) to the Resistance to Gruber and Hans... luckily, the chateau is riddled with secret passages. This episode includes the great bits where Hans is whacking his head against the table (to get the bit of cheese dislodged from his ear), where Herr Flick is limping in a suit of armor, and Officer Crabtree claiming Fanny has been "pissing" forged bank notes. This is possibly my favorite episode of all...

Additional Actors: Christopher Wild as the German Room Service guy Tim Barker as a German soldier (who gets knocked out by Hans) Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice Philip McInnerny as the voice of Wing Commander Hargreaves Quote of the show: "Hans, you have been to Staff College... how do you get a sausage out of a wardrobe in a General's dressing room?" "Hmmm... I think I must have been away that day." - Colonel Von Strohm looking for advice from his assistant 3.4 Flight of Fancy (40 mins long) [ my old made-up title: The Antique Parade ] Michelle arrives to tell Rene that the antique airplane is unfortunately in the back of the museum, so to get it out they will hold a parade of antiques while the gang from the Cafe sneaks in and recovers the plane. Herr Flick assigns the Colonel and the Captain to "mingle" with the peasants during the parade to find out what they are up to.

Rene, meanwhile, is hiding the real sausage (that he managed to recover from the chateau) under Fanny's bed - but she takes a bite before anyone can stop her, biting off the corner of the painting with Van Clomp's signature. Gruber assures Rene he can "invisibly mend" it, and make a forgery just the same. Outside, Yvette takes to streetwalking on her day off in hopes of raising enough money for she and Rene to escape to Paris. As Michelle arrives at the Cafe to collect the lawnmower motor (hidden in Fanny's chair) for the plane, Rene is assigned to gather 200 feet of elastic by collecting the braces (suspenders) from every man in the village. The following morning, as the parade starts off, our heroes are disguised as a road gang to wait for everyone else to pass. Herr Flick, on his way to observe the parade with his powerful binoculars, punctures a tire and has Helga pump the tire back to full inflation. The Colonel and the Captain have commandeered an antique steamroller to join the parade - but Hans wants to drive, and manages to steamroll Herr Flick's Gestapo staff car.

Finally, the launch of the antique airplane is attempted, but the antique car pulling the elastic slams backwards into the plane when the chocks get stuck, and everyone escapes back to the Cafe. Additional Actors: "Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car?" - Herr Flick asking the obvious question 3.5 Pretty Maids All In A Row (35 mins) [ my old made-up title: The Sting ] Rene, having beaten the rest of the gang back to the cafe, hides the painting on the back on some worthless picture of flowers given to Fanny years ago by a poor little painter named Van Gogh. Von Klinkerhoffen, having found his lawnmower motor smashed in the museum, has started searching the town for airmen. Maria hides the airmen by disguising them as waitresses in the bar, but Rene's ultimate plan is to get the airmen into the prisoners-of-war camp. The problem is that without their uniforms, the airmen will be shot as spies if found openly. Rene and Co.

must therefore smuggle the airmen into the camp, and they decide to pull a sting - with the airmen disguised as prostitutes, they plan for them to be shot publically in the bar and transport them in coffins to the mortuary, conveniently across the street from the prisoner of war camp, where they will tunnel them through into the camp. Also, Herr Flick has installed an eavesdropping station, where they listen to the resistance radio to find that the airmen are in town and disguised as French maids - so they plan to infiltrate the cafe as French maids themselves. Von Klinkerhoffen, nobody's fool, assigns Von Strohm and Geering to watch Cafe Rene closely to see if they are helping British airmen to escape. Additional Actors: Ian Hanham as a German Sergeant Paul Cooper as the "London Calling" voice Quote of the show: "I was pissing by the door when I heard two shats. You are holding a smoking goon - you are clearly the guilty potty." - Officer Crabtree accusing Hans of murder.

3.6 The Great Un-Escape [ my old made-up title: The Graveyard Shift ] While Rene continues attempting to carry on two simultaneous affairs, Michelle informs him that the tunnel digging from the mortuary has hit a hard bit and the airmen (still disguised as prostitutes) need help. When Rene asks why the undertakers can't help, Michelle says they're busy digging graves in which to put all the dirt from the tunnel dig. Upstairs, Fanny bemoans the loss of her painting and lets slip that the artist's name was Vincent, and it dawns on Rene that the silly painting of the flowers was a genuine Van Gogh. Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen intercept the latest "London Calling" transmission about Little Boy Blue and Old Mother Hubbard and amazingly decode it into something to do with the graveyard (after all, Mother Hubbard was looking for a bone, was she not?) - so they disguise themselves as priests, and with Helga as a nun they infiltrate the church. Hans has fallen out of the Colonel's graces due to the shooting the previous night, but feels grateful to Rene for the bribe he paid to Crabtree to keep the incident quiet.

When Gruber and the other two German officers get together, they start making plans for forgeries again - this time needing two forgeries of the Fallen Madonna and two of the Van Gogh. But when Hans and Von Strohm see Rene go into the mortuary, they end up following Rene and the Cafe staff through the tunnel into the POW camp, unfortunately collapsing the tunnel as they go. So now everyone's trapped inside the POW camp as General Von Klinkerhoffen comes by for an inspection, and they all end up disguised as British POWs! Additional Actors: Martin Sadler as a British POW Wing Commander Tim Brown as British POW Squadron Leader Simpson Nick Burnell as the German POW Camp Commandant Paul Cooper as British POW Wagstaff (who comes up with unlikely escape plans) Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (distracted by Helga) Owen Brenman as the German Guard (who inspects Gruber in his rubbishman disguise) Quote of the show: "I will dingle a keerot in front of the dinkey. That is butter. We shall be there very sheetly!" - Officer Crabtree trying to speed things up.

4.2 Camp Dance [ my old made-up title: A Farewell to Hans ] "A woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman?" The quote from Victor Victoria is quite descriptive of the situation of Yvette, Michelle, and Edith, as they are all dressed "in drag" as part of the chorus line of girls. It's a successful show which distracts the Germans long enough for the gang to slip into the garbage truck driven by Lt. Gruber. But the airmen follow everyone else and end up back outside the camp as well! Meanwhile, Flick and Von Smallhausen manage to find the end of the tunnel inside the POW camp, which leads them to begin listening to the wireless again, in an attempt to jam London's transmissions. The cafe gang regroups after their escape only to find that Maria did not make it out with them - and her escape plan of disguising herself as a Red Cross parcel and mailing herself home backfires, with her being returned to Switzerland for lack of postage.

Michelle shows up to report that they have received word that Hitler is preparing to invade England, and that the Resistance will have to put all their efforts into sabotaging this invasion, with none left over to help the airmen escape; for now they will have to stay put in the cafe. When Rene and company head upstairs to answer the radio, Herr Flick jams the signal and inserts his own, attempting to fool Rene into giving out the names and addresses of the Resistance. But Rene discovers the ruse and panics, tossing the radio in an attempt to keep Herr Flick from finding out it is him. When they attempt to contact London on the radio inside Gruber's tank, they find that Hans has been spirited away to England by the Communist Resistance (who mistook him for an RAF officer, of course). Additional Actors: Trevor T. Smith as the German Guard (who won't let Herr Flick out) Nick Burnell as the German POW Camp Commandant Martin Sadler as a British POW Wing Commander Tim Brown as British POW Squadron Leader Simpson Peter Bradshaw as the voice of "London Calling" Quote of the show: "What am I going to tell the General?" "Umm...

tell him the food is very good, and the British think they are going to win. Over and out!" - Colonel Von Strohm getting Hans' final words. 4.3 Good Staff Are Hard To Find [ my old made-up title: Freshmen ] Introduces Captain Bertorelli and Mimi LaBonq Rene, Edith, and Yvette interview applicants for the waitress position vacated by the missing Maria (and end up with the psychotically vicious Resistance girl Mimi), as Michelle arrives to inform them that a new radio is being delivered by an agent disguised as a mountaineer. And in German HQ, Von Klinkerhoffen arrives to announce that it's good that Hans has "volunteered for the Russian front" (as Von Strohm claims), since Mussolini has convinced Hitler that a token Italian force should be present in France -- so the General puts the force under Von Strohm's command and places their captain, Alberto Bertorelli, as Von Strohm's second.

As Rene thwarts scheme after scheme by Mimi to assassinate Herr Flick (and any other Axis forces in the vicinity), Gruber needs dark red lipstick to complete the forgeries, and Leclerc shows up as the mountaineer - but unfortunately he has got the radio already connected in his pack, leading to a series of problems with inopportune bursts of noise and sound from the radio (in a virtual replay of the situation in episode 1.7). Additional Actors: Aimee Delamain as Madame Sablon (an elderly applicant for the waitress position) Estelle Matthews as Mademoiselle Valerie Vendome (an acrobatic applicant for the waitress position) Patrick Edwards as the German Guard (who calls for Bertorelli) Quote of the show: "Captain Bertorelli! Officers in the German army do not kiss the lady Privates." - General Von Klinkerhoffen upbraiding Colonel Von Strohm's new assistant.

4.4 The Flying Nun [ my old made-up title: Getting it Up ] The Gestapo suspects that the Colonel and the General are in on a plot to assassinate Hitler, so Herr Flick goes undercover as Private Irma Von Kinkenrotten (a secretary to replace Helga, who Flick has kidnapped - though she escape disguised as Flick himself) and plants a somewhat bizarre daffodil-shaped microphone in the Colonel's office, where Gruber and Von Strohm are making plans to get rid of Bertorelli in some way. Meanwhile, as Edith prepares for her wedding, and receives bouquets from fortune-hunting Capt. Bertorelli, Rene & Co. must get the aerial for their new radio above the jamming signal of Herr Flick, so they disguise Mimi as a small nun to obtain a box kite which they fly to contact London and request plastic explosive to blow up the safe in the General's chateau to get the British Invasion plans. Of course, Michelle has to nearly have a nervous breakdown in the Cafe before Rene agrees to this crazy plan. And unfortunately, Monsieur Alphonse catches Yvette and Rene having at it, so he considers Edith "back in play".

Additional Actors: Bill Malin as a German soldier Quote of the show: "Would he regard a flying nun as a lucky omen?" "I should think he'd be off tomorrow. Why do you ask?" - The Colonel, asking the General if what he just saw would qualify as the "sign" Hitler needs to start the invasion of England. 4.5 The Sausages In the Trousers [ my old made-up title: The Sausage Surplus ] Lt. Gruber completes the forgeries of both the Van Clomp and Van Gogh, and conceals the originals and forgeries inside sausages. Unfortunately, the resistance liked the sausage-hiding technique displayed last season and have delivered sausages containing dynamite, and sausages containing submarine batteries. And, of course, it's sausage delivery day. Meanwhile, Herr Flick has been arrested while disguised as a woman, and sent to the dungeons.

4.6 The Jet-Propelled Mother-In-Law [ my old made-up title: Vineyard of the Germans ] Michelle holds a gun on Rene to stop his latest attempt to escape to Spain and tells him that London has sent a spy camera with which to take photos of the Invasion plans - but the camera landed in a vineyard which was only just commandeered by the Germans. Meanwhile, the Germans are cross with Rene for the mixup with the sausages down everyone's trousers (and in Helga's bosom), but Rene comes up with a plausible story which deflects blame and makes it seem that he was actually helping the Colonel out. As the Germans stuff the sausages down Rene's trousers for him to return to the Cafe and conceal once again, Edith makes a bold plan to rescue him, disguising herself as a German officer and taking a grenade to threaten the Germans with -- which unfortunately results in the blowing up of the town's convenience (the sort of open urinal in the town square). The peasants are refusing to work the now-occupied vineyard (fearful of being shot by the Communist Resistance, for one thing), so Von Klinkerhoffen comes to the Cafe to recruit forced labor from the peasants.

As the Resistance make plans to kill Von Klinkerhoffen with poison wine, and with a bomb hidden in Fanny's wheelchair, Leclerc finds the fallen spy camera. Meanwhile, Flick is in prison as "Frau Von Kinkenrotten" for having spied on the Colonel. Rene and Yvette find a quiet moment in the vineyard. Additional Actors:

Question: Which member of the German army was not so secretly in love with Rene in Allo Allo?
Answer: Lieutenant Gruber