I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue - Wikiquote I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue From Wikiquote Jump to: navigation , search This article needs cleanup. Please review Wikiquote:Templates to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality. This page has been listed as needing cleanup since 2008-09-15. I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue (BBC Radio 4, 11 April 1972 - ) is a British radio comedy programme which describes itself as "the antidote to panel games ". Hosted by Humphrey Lyttelton , and originally played by Barry Cryer , Tim Brooke-Taylor , Graeme Garden , Willie Rushton , a range of guests have performed on the programme's panel since it began. The programme is known for its ridiculous rounds and games, such as Mornington Crescent and Word Disassociation played completely for laughs by the panellists who, to the untrained eye, might appear at first to be playing for points. Wordplay and innuendo are a large part of the show's humour.

Following the death of Humphrey Lyttelton in 2008, the show used regular guest panellists Stephen Fry , Jack Dee and Rob Brydon as guest presenters for the 51st series, before choosing Jack Dee as the permanent chairman the following series. All quotes are by Humphrey Lyttelton unless otherwise stated. Contents Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: Ten Things You Never Knew You Shouldn't Do" Barry Cryer: "Melody Maker: Stones Make Comeback" Graeme Garden: "Express Sport: Moses Names Ten for Sunday" Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' drops to Number 8" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Graven Image Manufacturers Protest At New Guidelines" Willie Rushton: "The Star: Kylie Minogue is Star Bird - 'Covet Neighbours Ass'" Joan of Arc burns at the stake[ edit ] Willie Rushton: "Le Figaro: French Government Spokesman says "Smoking Can Seriously Damage Your Health"" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Mail: "English Hooligans Burnt My Daughter" says Mrs.

Arc" Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew!

What a Scorcher!" Barry Cryer: "Green News: Woodburning French Threat To Ozone Layer" Willie Rushton: "The Cricketer: England Win Ashes" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun: French Filly Flambé (translation on page 8)" The Gunpowder Plot[ edit ] Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Universe Manufacturer Goes Out Of Business After 6 Days" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Lancet: BMA Warn Rib Transplants Can Cause Lumps On Chest" Barry Cryer: "Daily Star: "I'm Over The Moon", Says God" Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Snake Problem At Theme Park - Last Two Visitors Forced To Leave" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Nothing Happened Yesterday" Willie Rushton: "Irish Times: Genesis Good For You" Graeme Garden: "News of the World: Spot The Apple and Win A Skoda" The unfortunate demise of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark[ edit ] Barry Cryer: "Dog Breeder's Gazette: Great Dane puts self down!" Willie Rushton: "The Times: Blair says whittling-down of royal family a success" Graeme Garden: "The Stage: Touring

 players unexpectedly available for panto" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Express: Reprint of Ophelia's Panorama interview in full, where she says a surfeit of lampreys was just a cry for help" Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline 'Laughter at Elsinore' should have read 'Slaughter at Erinsbrough'" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Sun tells the Prince: Just Be!" Graeme Garden: "The Telegraph: Danish Bloodbath - No Britons Hurt" Barry Cryer: "Gay News: Macbeth Outed - Admits laying on MacDuff" Willie Rushton: "The Guardian: Borehamwood seen approaching Dungeness" Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Phew!

What a Scotsman!" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Scotsman: Och!

Eye of Newt!" Willie Rushton: "Glasgow Herald: Pioneering test-tube baby kills King" Graeme Garden: "Woman's Own: Delia's recipe for Duncan Doughnuts" Graeme Garden: "London Evening Standard: Tube Strike Off" The Assassination of Julius Caesar[ edit ] Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Brutus Splashed it All Over" Willie Rushton: "Daily Mirror: Julius Caesar is Ides Victim" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Sunday Sport: Brutus Ate Two Hamsters!" Graeme Garden: "Lancashire Evening Post: Mark Antony Comes to Bury" Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Yesterday's headline should have read 'Caesar Slayed' not 'Caesar Salad'" Willie Rushton: "Daily Telegraph: New Caesar, New Danger" Barry Cryer: "Rome Standard: Omnia Caesar in Tres Partes Divisa Est" Graeme Garden: "Daily Star: Yon Cassius has a Lean & Hungry Look...is it Bulimia?" Graeme Garden: "Tailor & Cutter: Sketchleys opens new branch in Rome" The Death of Samson[ edit ] Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Times: Samson

 Obituary, 2 Columns, Page 8" Willie Rushton: "New Musical Express: Oh, Oh, Oh, Delilah!" Graeme Garden: "The Guardian: Yesterday's feature headed 'Delias Hints on Kippers' should have read 'Delilahs Hints on Clippers'" Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: In yesterday's report, Delilah's statement should have read 'I love cutting men's locks off'...not 'socks'" Graeme Garden: "Daily Telegraph: Police chief says 'He was a accident waiting to happen'" The Great Fire of London[ edit ] Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Daily Telegraph: French Farmer's Protest Reaches London" Stephen Fry : "The Scotsman: Tee hee hee" Graeme Garden: "The Star: Phew!

What A Scorcher!" Barry Cryer: "Yorkshire Evening Post: Leeds Man Singed" Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: London's Burning - Police Suspect Arse" Graeme Garden: "And on page 8 of the Guardian, yesterday's headline "Paula, to be reconstructed by Christopher Wren ", should have read "St Pauls, to be reconstructed by Christ knows when"" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Financial Times: Capital Goes Up" Graeme Garden: "The People: Phew! What A Scorcher!" Stephen Fry: "Insurance Weekly: Oh Bugger" Barry Cryer: "The Lancet: Plague Cure A Success" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Thames Water Chief Justifies Bonus At Last" Barry Cryer: "The Sport: Elvis Seen In Pudding Lane" Graeme Garden: "The News of the World: Phew!

What A Scorcher!" William Caxton invents the Printing Press[ edit ] Stephen Fry: "The Guardian: Newt Technolody Spills End To Mispronts" Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Caxton Shows Off New Dress" Graeme Garden: "Ye Mirror: Monks Down Quills in Protest" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Publisher's Weekly: 'Fly Fishing' by J.R. Hartley made possible by good old middle ages" Stephen Fry: "The Sun: Up Yours Gutenberg!" Barry Cryer: "Software Weekly: Mouse On Press Gives Caxton New Idea" Sir Walter Raleigh presents tobacco and potatoes at the court of Elizabeth I[ edit ] Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Monte Carlo Times: Rothmans to Sponsor Raleigh" Barry Cryer: "The Sun: Goodbye Mr. Chips" Fred MacAulay : "Financial Times: Chancellor admits he may have blundered with 'Tax on Potatoes' scheme" Graeme Garden: "The Sun: Queen says 'Great Shag Walter'" Barry Cryer: "OK!

Magazine: Queen's Potato Goes Out - Exclusive Pictures" Barry Cryer: "The Guardian: Raleigh Helps Queen to Cross Poodle" Graeme Garden: "Sunday Sport: Alien Spud Stole My Fags" Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta[ edit ] Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Independent: Oedipus Rex blinds himself after marrying his mother, Jocasta" Graeme Garden: "The Express: 'I've Stopped Seeing Her', says Oedipus" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "The Mirror: Exclusive - Oedipus to become a Referee" Graeme Garden: "Daily Mail: Oedipus Lights Potato by Mistake" Senior Citizens[ edit ] Barry Cryer: Oh, I see your glass is empty...do you mind if I put my teeth in? Willie Rushton: I say baby, let's lock Zimmer frames and rattle till we drop! Graeme Garden: Hello...Who am I?? Tim Brooke-Taylor: No, that's a war wound! Fancy a Horlicks? Graeme Garden: How's your back?

Willie Rushton: Is that your colostomy bag, or are you just pleased to see me? Barry Cryer: Your place or back to the sheltered accommodation? Graeme Garden: I could take you to a hip joint! Barry Cryer: I want to put my tongue in your ear - take your deaf-aid out! Graeme Garden: I want to run my fingers through your hair, so pass it over. Motor Mechanics[ edit ] Graeme Garden: "No, I wouldn't call that a big end." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Give me your chassis number, and if you're free next week, I'll book you in for a service." Barry Cryer: "Is this a gear stick, or am I just pleased to see you?" Jeremy Hardy : "I'll just roll you up onto the pavement and then we won't be in anybody's way." Graeme Garden: "It'll cost you..." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "What's a nice grill like you doing in a body like this?" Graeme Garden: "I prefer a manual." Barry Cryer: "Let's play petrol pumps...

Graeme Garden: "...and while we're at it, why don't we test for emissions?" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "You've just put the lead back in my petrol!" Barry Cryer: "You've been turning this back, you little clock-teaser!" Jeremy Hardy: "You can always expect a bit of rattling in one this age." Barry Cryer: "Do you want to put it in first?" Jeremy Hardy: "I'll give you a jump start and that should get you going in no time." Jeremy Hardy: "This looks like a tow job to me." Jeremy Hardy: "I'm going to have to get underneath." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I'll be ready by Friday." Jeremy Hardy: "You realise this thing is just an extension of my car..." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "I say - now that's a habit I wouldn't mind getting into!" Tony Hawks : "I can think of something I'd like you to alter, boy!" Graeme Garden: "How would you like to be one of the lay sisterhood?" Tony Hawks: "If anyone can, the canon can." Graeme Garden: "You'll find that I move in mysterious ways." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Please kne

el...

and while you're kneeling..." Graeme Garden: "I've got a jacuzzi font!" Tony Hawks: "When you've done pulling the bells..." Barry Cryer: "You stay here and I'll go and change - my vests are in the pantry, and my pants are in the vestry!" Tony Hawks: "Good Friday? I'll make it even better!" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Right, get your habit, you've pulled!" World War II[ edit ] Morticians' Ball[ edit ] Barry Cryer: "A party from the Wild West - all the way from Dirge City - Hearse Cartright, Gene Mortuary, with Roy Rogers and his horse Triggermortis" Tim Brooke-Taylor: From Wales - "Di the Death, who appears to be having a coffin fit" Graeme Garden: From Scotland - "Lord Wreath" Barry Cryer: "Also from Wales - that cheerful soul, Happy Taff, and his brother who's prone to laxatives, Senna Taff, with their friend Ed Stone" Barry Cryer: "It's cabaret time - Tomb Jones singing The Last Vaults" Barry Cryer: "Harry Secombe's gossiping in the corner - Oh!

Bitch you 'Arry!" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Scotland - a crazy stone carver - Mon, your mental mason! - he's just had to inter Flora" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Daddy & Mummy Fied" Graeme Garden: "The Gee sisters, Ella and Ula - they've been laid to rest a few times" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Sweden, Lars Rights and Lars Post" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Stover, and their father, Pa Stover" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Vault, and their agricultural son, farmer Lee" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From the West Country, Eliza Body" Graeme Garden: "An old soul known as Wi'am - he's looking rough - we call him the wreck Wi'am.

He trims the grass in the cemetery - he's just crept into the crypt, cropped & crept out again!" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "From Australia, the grave-faced Digger Pitt" Barry Cryer: "Alec Douglas-Exhume" Fishermen's Ball[ edit ] Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Kleinensinker, and their son, Hugh Kleinensinker" Barry Cryer: "Mr & Mrs Otts, and their daughter, Maggie, known to us all as Mag Otts" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Forcatchingshrimps, and their daughter, Annette" Rob Brydon : "Mr & Mrs Codfingers, and their young son, Chris P.

Codfingers" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bigguns-Lately, and their son, Courtney Bigguns-Lately" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Atthesizeofthisone, and their son Luke" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Twiteshark, and their son, Gray Twiteshark" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "There's Noah with a big boat load of carp - he's the carp ark attendant" Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Mer, and their daughter, Freda" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Triceel, and their son, Alec Triceel" Rob Brydon: "Mr & Mrs Tine, and their exceptionally tall son, long Gus" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab, and their son, Gordon Bennettlookatthesizeofthatcrab" Barry Cryer: "All the proceeds from tonight's ball are going to a refuge for battered fish" Financiers' Ball[ edit ] Barry Cryer: "All the way from China, Mr & Mrs Ming-Slang, and their son Rai Ming-Slang.

He's a banker..." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Esticproduct, and their chubby son Dominic, better known as the Gross Dom Esticproduct" Phill Jupitus: "The financially irresponsible family from Ireland, the O'Verdrawns" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Millionquid, whose son hasn't come with them, because Arthur Millionquid doesn't go very far these days!" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Inacardboardboxnow, and their daughter Olive Inacardboardboxnow" Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor, and their three-year-old son Tommy Coulddoabetterjobaschancellor" Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Mr & Mrs Holders, and their children Sonny and Cher Holders." Graeme Garden: "Mr & Mrs Bennetttheeconomysinahellofamess, and their son Gordon Brown." Indian Restaurant[ edit ] Rob Brydon: "It's not a specific song, it's just anything by Andrew Lloyd Webber and Pilau Rice." Barry Cryer: "A Curry With A Fringe On Top." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "It's My Chapati and I'll cry

 if I want to..." Graeme Garden: "My Poppadom Told Me." Rob Brydon: "Korma, korma, korma, Korma Chameleon..." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ring Of Fire." Graeme Garden: "The Wonderful Thing About Tikkas..." Tim Brooke-Taylor: "Ain't She Sweet and Sour?

...I've gone all Chinese!" (Barry: "Moved down the road suddenly!") Graeme Garden: "Rice Said Fred." Rob Brydon: "One by The Beatles, Lamb Pasanda Love Her... And I Love Her was the song, what I did was put lamb pasanda in front." Rob Brydon: "Return To Sender... That's just a song." Church of England[ edit ] Misleading Etiquette[ edit ] Jeremy Hardy: "When a lady enters a room, always stand with the words 'Blimey, that one shot me right off me seat!'" Sandi Toksvig: "When addressed by a member of British royalty, they prefer for you to answer in German." Jack Dee: "At this time of year, if your bin men knock on the door and give you a Christmas card, it's traditional to tear it up and say 'What did you come here for?

The bins are round the back!'" Barry Cryer: "At a funeral, don't forget to throw an old mattress in the hole for luck." Jeremy Hardy: "When shown baby pictures, take an interest saying things like 'I didn't know you two were cousins!' or 'You know you can do wonders with Photoshop!'" Jack Dee: "If, when driving, a police car flashes you from behind, it means you're not going fast enough!" Barry Cryer: "The official greeting for Duchess of Kent is 'I hear you go like a tram!'" Jeremy Hardy: "Always compliment a woman at dinner. Try something like 'You look like a model.

Let's hope you can keep that down!'" Sandi Toksvig: "British men consider you rude if you don't share their urinal." Jeremy Hardy: "If you don't know the words of football chants, entertain the opposing fans with songs from West Side Story." Rob Brydon: "The correct way to greet the Bishop of Southwark is 'Get out of my car, you're pissed, Your Grace!'" Kiss of Death[ edit ] Samantha[ edit ] "Samantha tell us she has to nip off now to see her gentleman beautician friend now, who has a leg hair treatment for her. He lays ribbons of sticky wax paper on her thighs and then lets them dry.

Then, Samantha says, she likes to watch as he rips the paper strips and wax off for her..." "It just occurred to me that Samantha hasn't given us the scores...since 1981." "While Samantha nips out to warm up her little Morris..." "While Samantha nips over to Prague for a quick check-up..." "Before I nip out with Samantha for a time honoured blow on the seafront..." "While Samantha and I nip out with my flexible friend to make a large withdrawal..." "As Samantha tells me it's time to let her whippet out..." "Samantha tells me she's expecting a visit from a film producer in her dressing room after the show. With news of a part he's been holding for her. He seems sure she's gonna make it big." "While Samantha nips out to enjoy a mouthful of Jacob's..." "Samantha has just returned from congratulating a local builder friend who successfully bid for a contract this week. He said she was delighted to see his little firm won." "Samantha was telling us before the show she's been visiting a nice gentleman racehorse owner in his stables recently.

She doesn't know much about racing, but she's already seen something to admire in his jockeys." "Samantha tells me she has to nip out to help an old man next door who has trouble using his stairlift. She goes in every night to put him on downstairs, and then pulls him off on the landing." "While Samantha nips out to enjoy a portion of local winkles in cider..." "So as Samantha heads off to the Highland games to admire the contestants in the caber competition, and perhaps have a go at tossing one or two herself..." "So while Samantha nips out to nibble on her favourite bit of Leicester..." "Samantha has just started keeping bees, and already has three dozen or so. She says she's got an expert handler coming round to give a demonstration. He'll carefully take out her 38 bees... and soon have them flying round his head." "Samantha has to nip out now, as she is off to see a Scots trawlerman friend, whose vessel needs to go in for repairs. Samantha says he's keen to lay her up in the Orkneys..." "Samantha has to nip out now to spend time with her new gentleman friend.

They're going on a driving tour of Wales. She says he's looking forward to showing her Cardiff and Cardigan Bay, before going on to Bangor in the back of his van." "Samantha has to nip out now with her new gentleman friend. Apparently, they've been working on the restoration of an old chest of drawers. Samantha is in charge of polishing, while he scrapes the varnish and wax off next to her." "Samantha has to nip out now as she's got a new job working in the sound archive as the manager. It's her first day, so apparently she's going to give a speech in the back room and hand jobs out in the office." "The sound effects were acquired for us from the BBC archives by the lovely Samantha. She visits the old men down there every so often to get new material for the show, but it's a trifle unorganised down there. She says that she doesn't mind if they want to dicker about three times a week." "Samantha has to nip out now as she has a new gentleman friend. Apparently, he's a vacuum cleaner salesman, and he's managed to get her the latest model.

She says she can't wait to get home and handle her new Phillips upright." "Samantha has to nip out now as she is meeting her new zookeeper gentleman friend. She's going to meet him at the monkey house, where he's often found swinging about with his charges. She says she doesn't mind looking up and seeing him hung like a baboon." "Samantha's popped out to visit an old gentleman friend of hers who's a notorious curmudgeon. However, she finds that if she butters him up properly she can sometimes get him to splash out." (November 2006) "In her spare time, Samantha likes nothing more than to peruse old record shops. She particularly enjoys a rewarding poke in the country section." "Samantha nearly made it - she's been detained at the last minute in the city's Latin quarter.

An Italian gentleman friend has promised to take her out for an ice-cream, and she likes nothing better than to spend an evening licking the nuts off a large Neapolitan." (Humphrey Lyttleton's final joke on the show, recorded shortly before his death in April 2008) Jack Dee: "Samantha has to nip off now as she's having a lot of work done on her house - last week there was a painter/decorator downstairs and a roofer/felter up in the loft..." Colin Sell[ edit ] "You'll be accompanied by Colin Sell on the piano. Incidentally, new listeners to the programme may be interested to know that Colin Sell was a member of several pop groups in the 60's and 70's, some of which became quite well known after he'd left them. There was Colin & Garfunkel, Dave Dee Dozy Beaky Mick Titch & Colin, The Electric Light Piano, & perhaps most interestingly, The Jackson Six." "Teams, to accompany you, I'm sure you'd all like to welcome our brand new pianist...but until he's provided, we'll just have to make do with our old one...

Colin Sell." "You'll be accompanied on the piano by Colin Sell, one of the finest musicians of the day...of course, when night comes, something seems to desert him." "This musical lament will be accompanied by Colin Sell...and music doesn't come more lamentable than that." "Accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we've just heard some great news - I'm very pleased to announce that the BBC have arranged a special collection of Colin's entire work... they've bagged it up, & the council are sending some men round for it on Tuesday." "I am assured that piano accompaniment is required for this round, and it appears that Colin Sell is unexpectedly available to provide it. You know that whenever musicians hear that Colin's working with us, they're always very keen for news of the old maestro... well, sadly, it's failed it's M.O.T. again, so he's had to come on his bike." "Colin Sell is at the piano, and with exciting career news - he tells me that he's recently started to work with pop sensation Bjork, so now he's making regular trips to Iceland...

or if they're shut, he goes to Bejams." "You know, I was interested to learn recently that Colin doesn't just play the piano, in fact I have a letter here that says he's recently become very handy on the sax... and that's signed by the Haringey Council Waste Disposal Department." "Actually, Colin was telling us that he recently started on backing material with his new singer... so if anyone needs some curtains run up..." "Actually, listeners may be interested to hear that Colin doesn't only play the piano... oh no. He's recently become a bit of an expert with the pan pipes... so if anyone has a blocked toilet they want cleared..." "As ever, Colin Sell will be providing backup on the piano, although that's by no means his only instrument. In fact, I have a cutting here from Jazz Monthly magazine, written by their top reviewer. It reads: "When I heard Colin Sell playing the mouth organ, I rushed in just in time to catch his set. He really should use a stronger denture fixative if he's going to blow that hard."" "Incidentally, Colin's first TV appearance was when he played the mouth organ in Black Lace.

Opportunity Knocks said it was the worst novelty drag act they'd ever had on the show." "Actually, we're all very excited for Colin, as he's been invited to play at a U-2 gig...what great reunion dances those German submarine crews have." "Musical accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me he's thinking of branching out into artist management. Apparently he has this dream of handling The Spice Girls. Mrs. Sell says it's the only thing that gets him up in the morning." "Accompaniment here will be provided by Colin Sell at the piano. Incidentally, we were all surprised to hear that Colin has recently been standing in for Oasis. He spent 4 days holding up a dried arrangement at the Chelsea Flower Show." "Backing will be provided, as ever, by Colin Sell at the piano. Actually, we were interested to hear that Colin has recently been enjoying himself in the brass section. The manageress at Dorothy Perkin's says if she catches him in there again, she'll call the police." "Actually, Colin was telling us before the show that he once toured Britain with The Monkees... then Mr.

Chipperfield promoted him to the elephants and gave him a bigger shovel." "Incidentally, pianist Colin Sell was once mistaken for a member of the Partridge Family... it took him nearly three weeks to pick the lead shot out of his backside." "Now listeners will be surprised to hear that pop legend Cliff Richard once insisted that Colin played in The Shadows... but then, he's not a pretty sight in broad daylight." "The round is called Karaoke Cokey, and it'll be led by Colin Sell at the piano. In fact, we heard from him earlier, singing 'You put your left leg in, You put your right leg in', and then realised he was reading from the instructions that came with his trousers." "We've asked Colin Sell to provide piano accompaniment. Colin was telling us that he recently wrote a Horn Concerto for two Cornets. The client was so impressed, he threw in a mivvi and a choc ice as well." "Musical accompaniment at the piano will be provided by Colin Sell. These days, we only really know Colin for his work at the piano, but as a young lad he cut his teeth on the harmonica...

until his teacher explained that he wasn't supposed to chew it." "Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners will be impressed to learn that back in the 60's, Colin asked Mick Jagger and Keith Richard if he could take the place of Brian Jones. They said yes, and threw him in the swimming pool." "Actually, it's been said that one has more chance of being struck by lightning than meeting a piano player like Colin Sell... which is why we all spent most of last week standing out in the rain holding metal rods." "Musical accompaniment will be provided in this round at the piano by Colin Sell. Actually, listeners may be fascinated to learn that before Christmas, Colin was employed to play the piano for The Stranglers. You can imagine how things were livened up in that turkey abbatoir." "Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who, we were interested to learn, was spotted back in 1969 playing with The Stones in Hyde Park. The keeper said if he caught Colin throwing them at the ducks again, he'd call the police." "Actually, we were all very impressed to learn that Colin once played alongside Roy Orbison.

Orbison, of course, was nicknamed 'The Big O', and in turn, he affectionately referred to Colin as 'That Little C'..." "Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, who tells me that his musical influences are Middle-Eastern in origin... mostly Shi'ite!" "Piano accompaniment will be provided by Co...[chokes] ... see, I even choke on the name!" "But, I hear you ask, what possible use could there be for a dummy with two left hands? [significant pause] On the piano, Colin Sell! "... the man who put the C into rap music ... Colin Sell!" "Piano accompaniment will be provided by Colin Sell, a man who doesn't know the meaning of "disharmony". He also has problems with the words "stop", "that", "dreadful" and "racket"." Jack Dee: "Incidentally, you may be interested to learn that Colin once worked with The Carpenters at the Royal Albert Hall... [audience laughter] ...I have got punchlines, please let me...

And they haven't been able to shut the front door since!" Jack Dee: "You may not realise it, but Colin is worshipped at the piano. Every time he comes on stage, people say 'Oh God, Colin Sell!'" Jack Dee: "Listeners will be interested to hear that Colin recently picked up a Grammy, but she started to scream so he had to put her down again." Letters from Mrs Trellis[ edit ] "Dear Dr. Clare, So pleased to hear that Tim Brooke-Taylor is back - without him the show was like Hamlet without the balcony scene." "Dear Mr. Duggleby, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why, Why does my typewriter always stick on the letter 'Y'? Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis, North Wales" "Dear Ned, I'm on the train! Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis" "Dear Mr. Rees, I understand you're looking for suggestions for your 'Quote, Unquote' programme. Can you tell me where the expression 'Dull as Ditch Water' comes from?

Yours sincerely, Mrs. Trellis" "Dear David Dickinson, I can sum up why the BBC have your programme on TV every night in three words: Cheap As Chips. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis. P.S. I can tell by your face that stuff really does do exactly what it says on the tin ." "Dear Mrs Lawley, Here's an idea: How about a celebrity version of 'Desert Island Disks'? "Dear Rolf, Here's a handy hint: When you put the cat out, always use a high-quality fire extinguisher." "Dear Mr. Gadaffi, You must be very proud. It's not every duck that becomes President. Yours in haste, Mrs. Trellis" A Mrs Trellis of North Wales has written in to complain that the show has 'an enormous fistful of rampant innuendo rammed into every crack', but only a truly filthy-minded person would think such a thing. "Dear Mr Titchmarsh: This morning I went out to dig up some dandelions and a giant hogweed on my lawn. The filthy beast! Yours faithfully, Mrs Trellis." "Dear Mrs McCartney: My, what a terrible mess.

You must be kicking yourself." "Dear Mr Melly: Here's a great tip for removing any annoying little hairs that collect in the bath plughole: tempt them up with a carrot and pull them out by their long floppy ears." "Dear Rolf: They say a dog isn't just for Christmas. How true. You can use it for sandwiches all through January." Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. President: What were the chances of someone called Mr. President actually getting that job? Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Love your butter." Jack Dee: "Dear Ms. Toksvig: Here's one of my favourite cuttings, it's four miles of double-track just north of Crewe. Yours Truly, Mrs. Trellis." Jack Dee: "Dear Mr. Cameron: I saw you on the telly alongside your new chum Nick. So what's what they mean by conservative with a little 'c'. Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Trellis." Jack Dee: "Dear Mrs. Clinton: I bet you get a card from your husband every year! Yours, Mrs.

Trellis." Jack Dee: "Dear Jock: Isn't it disgraceful the way certain game shows rig their results by pretending to choose winners at random? Yours in disgust, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Send the book token to the usual address." Jack Dee: "Dear teams: When I noticed in the Radio Times that your show was back, there were three big ticks next to the listing, so I sprayed them with DDT. Yours etc., Mrs. Trellis." Jack Dee: "Dear Woman's Hour: Why waste money on baby-naming books when all the names you need can be found in the telephone directory? Yours, Mrs. Trellis. P.S. Any chance of a signed photo for my grandson Dyno-Rod Emergency Hotline Trellis?" Jack Dee: "Dear Eddie Mair: Here's my favourite sound for your PM programme Listener's Favourite Sound feature - it's my radio off switch! *click* - Yours Silently, Mrs. Trellis." Intros[ edit ] "Canterbury today is an interesting mix of traditional and modern buildings, due to the large number of bombs dropped during the last war.

Even now the authorities regularly uncover unstable cases carrying decaying material which have to be handled with the greatest of care. Let me introduce four of them." "Leeds galleries and museums may contain countless priceless artefacts, but keen-eyed visitors may also find here certain curiosities of no financial value, remnants from a bye-gone age guaranteed to kill half an hour. Let's meet the teams." "You join us again at the Everyman Theatre in Cheltenham, where we've attracted a capacity audience of some 700, odd people." "It's well documented in official records that the City's original name was 'Snottingham', or 'Home of Snots', but when the Normans came, they couldn't pronounce the letter 'S', so decreed the town be called 'Nottingham' or the 'Home of Notts'.

It's easy to understand why this change was resisted so fiercely by the people of Scunthorpe." "Nottingham is also famous for its links with football, and Notts County is proud to be the oldest team in the English league...but they hope soon to buy some younger players." "Despite this only three expressions of Scottish derivation are in regular use: kilt, haggis, and Partick Thistle nil." "The area has become even more of a tourist attraction. Many come here and pay a few pounds to enjoy an uninterrupted 45 minute viewing of London and the Thames... as they wait for their Connex train to finally crawl off Hungerford Bridge. Or they can climb up to the top of the mighty tower of the Shell Centre to enjoy a panoramic vista right across half of London. You can't see the other half, because some fool has put a 700 foot bicycle wheel in the way." "Close by is Wycombe Air Park. This houses a fine collection of vintage aircraft including the Vickers Boxkite biplane, which one Bert Hinkler flew here in 1921. Racing the express train from London, he won by a full eleven minutes.

Now aged 103, Mr. Hinkler celebrated by repeating the event in October this year...and beat the train by seven and a half hours. It would have been more, but the chain kept falling off his bike." "During Tudor times, Hull's customs levies on Humber shipping resulted in a feud with neighbouring Beverley. Eventually, the nuns of Beverley convent rose in revolt, and laid seige to Hull. This worried Henry VIII, who sent a heavily armed force immediately he heard the town was being terrorised by the Beverley sisters." "Lewis Carroll started his journeys to China from Sunderland. In fact, he thought of the title for 'Alice in Wonderland' when he thought of Sunderland and changed the first letter. Thank Goodness he wasn't traveling to Nanking." Jack Dee: "Leeds was the birthplace of two of Britain's most venerable writers of comedy - Alan Bennett and our own Barry Cryer. Alan Bennett recently donated the entire collection of his writings to the nation. Barry considered doing the same but everyone convinced him he couldn't give his work away." Jack Dee: "Crawley is often referred to as the Barcelona of West Sussex, mainly by people who've never been to Barcelona...

or Crawley... or have never left their own house." "What happens in Manchester today happens in the rest of the world tomorrow. So listen up, rest of the world.

Tomorrow, it's going to drizzle." End Lines[ edit ] "Well with Mickey Mouse's big hand pointing upwards and Goofy's tail pointing downwards, I realise my Rolex is a fake." "As the frisky tomcat of fate confronts the scalpel of destiny, and the precious natural woodland of time meets the motorway extension of eternity..." "As the Ford Anglia of time fails the MOT test of eternity, and the dappled donkey of fate ambles toward the abbetoir of destiny..." "Well as the delicate mayfly of time collides with the speeding windscreen of fate, and the angry wasp of destiny flies up the trouser leg of despair..." "As the loose boweled pigeon to time swoops low over the tourist of destiny, and the unlicensed mini-cab of fate gets lost in the one-way system of eternity..." "As the short-sighted rhino of time attempts to mount the VW beetle of eternity, and the rubber glove of hope gets lost in the Aberdeen Angus of destiny..." "As the great tit of time nibbles through the gold top of eternity, and the unseen mouse droppings of fate nestle in the Crunchy Fruit and Nut muesli of destiny..." "As the

 rogue purple underpants of time begin their assault on the whites-only wash cycle of destiny, and the twin buttocks of fate are sucked into the malfunctioning chemical toilet of eternity..." "As the armpit hair of time is snagged in the ball deodorant of destiny, and the Harpic of eternity spills unseen onto the loo roll of fate..." "As the red red robin of time goes bob-bob-bobbing under the snow plough of destiny, and the sage and onion stuffing mixture of fate is rammed up the eternally unfrozen turkey of damnation..." "As the grubby raincoat of time opens to reveal the upright Member of Parliament, and the categorical denial of destiny is swiftly followed by the resignation letter of fate..." "As the wee-willy-winky of time pops out of the nightgown of eternity..." "As the chill wind of time blows up the kilt of destiny, and the short-sighted octopus of fate attempts to mount the bagpipes of eternity..." "As the little Jack Horner of time pulls out his plums of fate, and the little Tommy Tucker of destiny looks for a rhyme we can broadcast..." "As the plastic cup of time fails to emerge from the vending machine of destiny,

 and the scalding coffee substitute of fate splashes onto the unsuspecting crotch of eternity..." "As the false teeth of time come away in the Granny Smith of destiny, and the Grandpa Smith of fate decides he needs stronger dentifix..." "As the 4x4 of destiny on the level crossing of fate, stalls in the path of the speeding freight train of doom, and the signalman of time rushes to fetch his camera..." "As the hunter of time blasts the moose of destiny, and as the dairy counter worker of fate grabs the mop of destiny..." Jack Dee: "As the Little Jack Horner of fate pulls out his plums of doom, before the school matron of destiny says 'Cough'..." Jack Dee: "As the Toyota of time crashes through the showroom of destiny, and the car dealership of eternity spots the flaw in their faulty brake recall programme..." Jack Dee: "As the electric drill of time bores into the plaster of destiny, and the howl of agony erupts from the patient with a broken leg..." Jack Dee: "As the rabbit of time is chased by the Labrador of fate, and the David Blunkett of destiny is dragged screaming round Walthamstow dog track..." Other lines[

 edit ] "Lionel Blair & Christopher Biggins recently appeared on Stars in Their Eyes, where Lionel singing Maggie May came second to his old teammate.

Biggins said that Lionel's Rod was outstanding but he easily had it licked..." "The next round is called 'Cheddar Gorge' and it's just one of many parlour games inspired by English place names. There's also Barrow-in-Furness which involves burning garden implements, Sellafield, where the object is to try to flog off a plot of contaminated land, and of course we musn't forget Broadstairs, a game for people who are too fat to use the lift." [Lyttelton discusses the "eleven jokes in the world"; i.e., the 11 types of humour.]

Question: Who presents Radio 4's I'm Sorry, I Haven't a Clue?
Answer: Jack Dee