Atoms | Qi-Wiki | Fandom powered by Wikia This page uses Creative Commons Licensed content from Wikipedia's article " QI (A series) " (view authors here or here ). The main component of air is nitrogen, which accounts for 78% of air. Only just under 21% is oxygen and 3/100ths of 1% is carbon dioxide. [1] [2] The most boring place in Great Britain is a field outside Ousefleet, near Scunthorpe, according to the 1:50,000 Ordnance Survey map. It is the blankest square kilometre in the country, with only part of an electricity pylon in it. Alan suggested Salisbury Plain, forgetting that Stonehenge is on Salisbury Plain. Alan's uncle stood on a land mine on Salisbury Plain during his national service. In 1983, with the aid of a sofa and a hot water bottle, Barbara Cartland wrote 23 novel s, which broke the record for the most novels written in one year. She was buried in a Corrugated cardboard coffin beneath an oak tree planted by Queen Elizabeth I.

At her funeral, all the funeral-goers were given a leaf of the tree as a memento. She also said, "I'll keep writing until my face falls off". Clive James once compared Barbara Cartland's face to two crow s that had crashed into the White cliffs of Dover. The ozone layer is fifteen miles (24 km) above the Earth's surface. Ozone smells faintly of geraniums. Film critic John Simon described Walter Matthau as resembling "a half-melted rubber bulldog ". Atom s contain mostly empty space. Ernest Rutherford described the centre of an atom as "flies in a cathedral ". The simplest atom is hydrogen, which has a nucleus with one proton, surrounded by one electron. If the proton was the size of a drawing pin, the electron would be the size of a pinhead and would be one kilometre away. A hydrogen atom has more frequencies than a piano has notes. The discoverer of the hydrogen atom and the inventor of the grand piano lived just 3 minutes away from each other in Soho. General Ignorance This page uses Creative Commons Licensed content from Wikipedia's article " QI (A series) " (view authors here or here ).

King Henry VIII technically had either Wives of three or four wives, [3] depending on the source. His marriage to Anne of Cleves was annulled, the Pope declared his marriage with Anne Boleyn to be void as he was still married to Catherine of Aragon, and the marriage to Catherine of Aragon was declared void by Henry himself (as the new head of the Church of England) as it was illegal to marry the widow of one's brother (Catherine had previously been married to Henry's older brother Arthur). After his death, while being moved to Westminster Abbey, the king's body swelled in the heat and exploded. The word silver rhymes with the English word 'chilver', [4] which is an ewe lamb. All diamond s are created beneath the Earth's surface, and brought to the surface in volcano es. [5] Only 20 countries in the world make diamonds. South Africa is the fifth biggest behind Australia, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Botswana and Russia. Diamonds and graphite are both made of pure carbon, but appear at opposite ends of the Mohs scale of mineral hardness. Diamond has a score of ten, while graphite's score is around 1.2.

When travelling through sodium at -270 degrees, light slows to 38 miles per hour. The speed of light is only constant in a vacuum at 186,000 miles per second. Going through diamonds, the speed of light is only 80,000 miles per second. A chameleon changes colour depending [6] on its mood, temperature and emotions like fear. Their eyes can swivel independently, and it was once believed that they lived on air. Forfeits ↑ Oxygen, said by Davies (-10 points) ↑ Carbon dioxide would have been a -3000 point forfeit, although nobody said this. ↑ Six QI Series A, Episode 4 - Atoms - British Comedy Guide Topics - The main component of air is nitrogen (Forfeit: Oxygen) - The most boring place in Britain is a field outside Ousefleet, near Scunthorpe, according to the Ordnance Survey map. It containing nothing except half an electricity pylon and some overhead cabling. It is the blankest square kilometre in the country.

- Tangent: Charles Dickens claimed that Chelmsford was, "The dullest and most stupid spot on the face of the Earth." He also invented the word "Boredom". - Barbara Cartland holds the world record for the most books written in a single year, with 23 books. She was buried in a cardboard coffin beneath an oak tree planted by Elizabeth I. - The ozone layer is 15 miles above the surface of the Earth and smells of geraniums. - The film critic John Simon described Walter Matthau as resembling, "A half-melted rubber bulldog." - Atoms are mostly empty space. Ernest Rutherford compared the inside of an atom as being, "like a few flies in a cathedral." - The discoverer of hydrogen and the creator of the grand piano knew each other and lived locally. A hydrogen atom has more frequencies than a grand piano. General Ignorance - King Henry VIII technically had either three or four wives.

He annulled is marriage to Anne of Cleves, the Pope declared is marriage to Anne Boleyn void because he was still married to Catherine of Aragon, and Henry declared his marriage to Catherine of Aragon void because it was illegal to marry his brothers wife, and she had previously been married to Henry's brother Arthur. (Forfeit: Six) - Tangent: Hans Holbein, who once painted Henry VIII, once did a painting called "The Ambassadors", which can only be seen correctly from the correct angle. - The word "Silver" rhymes with "Chilver", which is a female lamb. (Forfeit: Nothing) - All diamonds in the world come from the Earth's surface, and are brought to the surface by volcanic eruptions. (Forfeit: South Africa) - Tangent: South Africa is the fifth largest producer of diamonds, after Australia, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Botswana and Russia. Diamonds and graphite are both made out of pure carbon, but appear on opposite ends of the Mohs scale of hardness. - Light can travel at 38 mph, through sodium chilled at -270 degrees celcius. The speed of light is only constant in a vacuum.

- A chameleon changes colour depending on mood. (Forfeit: Background) - Tangent: Chameleons can swivel their eyes independently. It was once believed they lived on air. Deleted Scenes - William Shakespeare invented the expression, "Vanish into thin air". Hamlet also contains several cliches still used today. Scores celebrity insults about famous men Don't be so humble, you're not that great. - - - Golda Meir (to Moshe Dayan) Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad. - - - Donald Trump (to Larry King) I'm not having points taken off me by an incompetent old fool. You're the pits of the world. - - - John McEnroe (to tennis judge Edward James) You can't see as well as these fucking flowers - and they're fucking plastic. - - - John McEnroe (to a line judge) What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork? - - - John McEnroe (to a spectator at a tennis match) You're like a pay toilet, aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing.

- - - Howard Hughes (to Robert Mitchum) Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? - - - Don Rickles (to David Letterman on 02/5/96 "Late Show") He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. - - - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - - - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) He's phony, using his blackness to get his way. - - - Joe Frazier (about Muhammad Ali) Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife. - - - Muhammad Ali His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes. - - - Keith Richards (about Elton John) I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago.

- - - Elton John (about Keith Richards) If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee. - - - Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill) If you were my wife, I'd drink it. - - - Winston Churchill, in reply You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease. - - - John Montague (to John Wilkes) That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress. - - - John Wilkes, in reply Do you mind if I smoke? - - - Oscar Wilde (to Sarah Bernhardt) I don't care if you burn. - - - Sarah Bernhardt, in reply My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them? - - - Frederic Leighton (to James McNeill Whistler) My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours? - - - James McNeill Whistler, in reply Insulting comments about famous actors He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms. - - - Mamie Van Doren (about Warren Beatty) You're so vain.

You probably think this song is about you. - - - Carly Simon (about Warren Beatty) The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters. - - - David Letterman (about Warren Beatty, 1991) What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics? - - - Ronald Reagan (about Clint Eastwood running for mayor of Carmel) Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper. - - - Rex Reed (about Marlon Brando) He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. - - - Johnny Carson (about Chevy Chase) He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it. - - - Marlon Brando (about Montgomery Clift) He got a reputation as a great actor by just thinking hard about the next line. - - - King Vidor (about Gary Cooper) I've got three words for him: Am. A. Teur. - - - Charlie Sheen (about Colin Farrell) His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.

- - - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable) Steve Martin has basically one joke and he's it. - - - Dave Felton Nothing happens. At all. Ever. Remember when Steve Martin was funny? Apparently, neither does he. - - - Robert Wilonsk (about the movie, Cheaper by the Dozen) Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here. - - - Groucho Marx (about Chico Marx) There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad. - - - Groucho Marx (about his brother, Chico) He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog. - - - John Simon (about Walter Matthau) His features resembled a fossilized wash rag. - - - Alan Brien (about Steve McQueen) He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth. - - - Pauline Kael (about Robert Redford) Poor little man, they made him out of lemon Jell-O and there he is. He's honest and hardworking but he's not great.

- - - Adela Rogers St. John (about Robert Redford) Well at least he has finally found his true love ï¿½ what a pity he can't marry himself. - - - Frank Sinatra (about Robert Redford) Stars The Rock, but The Wood might be a better description of his performance. - - - Peter Rainer (about wrestler turned actor, The Rock, in the movie, Walking Tall) His favorite exercise is climbing tall people. - - - Phyllis Diller (about Mickey Rooney) Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts. - - - Clive James He has the vocal modulation of a railway-station announcer, the expressive power of a fence-post and the charisma of a week-old head of lettuce. - - - Fintan O'Toole, film critic, (about Quentin Tarantino) Insulting comments about famous athletes McEnroe was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread. - - - Clive James (about John McEnroe) Beyond the hair, tattoos and earrings, he's just like you and me.

- - - Bob Hill (about Dennis Rodman, 1995) Dennis has become like a prostitute, but now it's gotten ridiculous, to the point where he will do anything humanly possible to make money. - - - Charles Barkley (about Dennis Rodman, 1997) He has so many fish hooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait. - - - Bob Costas (about Dennis Rodman) Insulting comments about famous musicians I love his work but I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him. - - - Keith Richards (about Chuck Berry) I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized to how many people he is not a sex symbol but a mother image. - - - David Bowie He sings like he's throwing up. - - - Andrew O'Connor (about Bryan Ferry) The instant asphalt Elvis from Philadelphia. - - - Fred Schuers (about Fabian) Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. - - - Joan Rivers Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman.

- - - Molly Ivins Michael Jackson's album was only called "Bad" because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for "Pathetic." - - - The Artist Formerly Known as Prince (about Michael Jackson) Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool. - - - Bill Maher (about Michael Jackson, 1994) He hasn't just lost the plot, he's lost the whole library! - - - Melody Maker (about Michael Jackson, 1992) He now looks like a Barbie doll that has been whittled at by a malicious brother. - - - Thomas Sutcliffe (about Michael Jackson, 1993) With his womanly voice, stark white skin and Medusa hair, his gash of red lipstick, heavy eyeliner, almost nonexistent nose and lopsided face, Jackson was making his TV appearance in order to scotch all rumors that he is not quite normal. - - - Craig Brown (about Michael Jackson, The Times of London, 1993) He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire.

- - - Truman Capote (about Mick Jagger) He sounds like he's got a brick dangling from his willy, and a food-mixer making purï¿½e of his tonsils. - - - Paul Lester (about Jon Bon Jovi) Pamela Lee said her name is tattooed on her husband's penis. Which explains why she changed her name from Anderson to Lee. - - - Conan O'Brien (about Tommy Lee) He could be a maneuvering swine, which no one ever realized. - - - Paul McCartney (about John Lennon) A deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, mincing heap of mother love. - - - William Connor (about Liberace) He has become the oldest living cute boy in the world. - - - Anna Quindlen (about Paul McCartney) Sleeping with George Michael would be like having sex with a groundhog. - - - Boy George When you talk to him, he looks at you and grins and grins and nods and nods and appears to be the world's best listener, until you realize he is not listening at all. - - - Larry L.

King (about Willie Nelson) He sang like a hinge. Ethel Merman (about Cole Porter) Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether. - - - Greil Marcus (about Elvis Presley, 1976) Presley sounded like Jayne Mansfield looked - blowsy and loud and low. - - - Julie Burchill (about Elvis Presley) Bambi with testosterone. - - - Owen Gleiberman (about Prince, 1990) He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair. - - - Boy George (about Prince, 1986) Even the deaf would be traumatized by prolonged exposure to the most hideous croak in Western culture. Richards's voice is simply horrible. - - - Nick Coleman (about Keith Richards) He plays four-and-a-half-hour sets. That's torture. Does he hate his audience? - - - John Lydon (about Bruce Springsteen) He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom.

- - - Britt Eklund (about Rod Stewart) 'Slavic March' -- "One feels that the composer must have made a bet, for all his professional reputation was worth, that he would write the most hideous thing that had ever been put on paper, and he won it, too. - - - Boston Evening Transcript (about Tchaikovsky, 1883) I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws. - - - Charles Baudelaire (about Richard Wagner) Wagner was a monster. He was anti-Semitic on Mondays and vegetarian on Tuesdays. On Wednesday he was in favor of annexing Newfoundland, Thursday he wanted to sink Venice, and Friday he wanted to blow up the pope. - - - Tony Palmer (about Richard Wagner) Wagner's music is better than it sounds. - - - Edgar Wilson "Bill" Nye Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes.

- - - Aaron Copland Insulting comments about famous politicians History buffs probably noted the reunion at a Washington party a few weeks ago of three ex-presidents: Carter, Ford, and Nixon -- See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil. - - - Robert J. Dole, speech, 1983 George Bush A pin-stripin' polo-playin' umbrella-totin' Ivy-leaguer, born with a silver spoon so far in his mouth that you couldn't get it out with a crowbar. - - - Bill Baxley (about George Bush) He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. - - - Ann Richards (about George Bush) He' a Boy Scout with a hormone imbalance. - - - Kevin Phillips (about George Bush) If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head. - - - Jim Hightower, 1988 GeorgeW. Bush George W. Bush is like a bad comic working the crowd. A moron, if you'll pardon the expression.

- - - Martin Sheen He is your typical smiling, brilliant, back-stabbing, bullshitting southern nut-cutter. - - - Lane Kirkland (about Jimmy Carter) Winston Churchill He has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches. - - - F. E. Smith (about Winston Churchill) He is a man suffering from petrified adolescence. - - - Aneurin Bevan (about Winston Churchill) He would kill his own mother just so that he could use her skin to make a drum to beat his own praises. - - - Margot Asquith (about Winston Churchill) I thought he was a young man of promise; but it appears he was a young man of promises. - - - Arthur Balfour (about Winston Churchill) Winston has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches. - - - F. E. Smith (about Winston Churchill) Bill Clinton Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much confined to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes. - - - Pat Buchanan I'm just sick and tired of presidents who jog.

Remember, if Bill Clinton wins, we're going to have another four years of his white thighs flapping in the wind. - - - Arianna Huffington, 1995 When I was president, I said I was a Ford, not a Lincoln. Well what we have now is a convertible Dodge. - - - Gerald Ford (about Bill Clinton, 1996) President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper. - - - David Letterman, 1998 Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town. - - - Tom Clancy, 1998 When he does smile, he looks as if he's just evicted a widow. - - - Mike Royko (about Bob Dole, 1988) Gerald Ford Hark, when Gerald Ford was king-- We were bored with everything. Unemployment 6 percent, So he pardoned Richard Nixon. - - - Bill Strauss and Eliana Newport, 1982 He is so dumb he can't fart and chew gum at the same time.

- - - Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford) He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off. - - - Lyndon Baines Johnson (about Gerald Ford) Lyndon Baines Johnson He turned out to be so many different characters he could have populated all of War and Peace and still had a few people left over. - - - Herbert Mitgang (about Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1980) Richard Nixon Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. - - - Abbie Hoffman (1971) He bleeds people. He draws every drop of blood and then drops them from a cliff. He'll blame any person he can put his foot on. - - - Martha Mitchell (about Richard M. Nixon, 1973) He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them. - - - James Reston (about Richard Nixon) He is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar....He's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.

- - - Harry S Truman (about Richard M. Nixon, 1978) He was like a kamikaze pilot who keeps apologizing for the attack. - - - Mary McGrory (about Richard M. Nixon, 1962) Here is a guy who's had a stake driven through his heart. I mean, really nailed to the bottom of the coffin with a wooden stake, and a silver bullet through the forehead for good measure -- and yet he keeps coming back. - - - Ted Koppel (about Richard M. Nixon, 1984) I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad. - - - Lyndon B. Johnson (about a speech by Richard M. Nixon) I worship the quicksand he walks in. - - - Art Buchwald (about Richard Nixon) Nixon's motto was: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. - - - Norman Cousins (about Richard M. Nixon) Sir Richard-the-Chicken-Hearted. - - - Hubert H. Humphrey (about Richard M. Nixon) Dan Quayle Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put together.

- - - Matt Groening, 1993 If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?" - - - John Cleese A triumph of the embalmer's art. - - - Gore Vidal (about Ronald Reagan) Compared to the Clintons, Reagan is living proof that a Republican with half a brain is better than a Democrat with two. - - - P.J. O'Rourke,1997 He doesn't die his hair - he's just prematurely orange. - - - Gerald Ford (about Ronald Reagan) He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face. - - - Johnny Carson (about Ronald Reagan) He has a chance to make somebody move over on Mount Rushmore. He's working for his place on the coins and the postage stamps. - - - Henry Graff (about Ronald Reagan, 1985) I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness. - - - Steve Martin I think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

- - - Robin Williams (about Ronald Reagan) In the heat of a political lifetime, he innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gum balls in a quiche. - - - Lucy Howard (about Ronald Reagan 1985) People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. He makes a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float look ridiculous. I think he's slowly but surely regressing into movies again. In his mind he's looking at dailies, playing dailies over and over. - - - Robin Williams (about Ronald Reagan, 1988) The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished. - - - Sheila Graham (about Ronald Reagan) Washington could not tell a lie; Nixon could not tell the truth; Reagan cannot tell the difference. - - - Mort Sahl Other Politicians It has been the political career of this man to begin with hypocrisy, proceed with arrogance, and finish with contempt. - - - Thomas Paine (about John Adams) A nonentity with side whiskers.

- - - Woodrow Wilson (about Chester A. Arthur) One could not even dignify him with the name of stuffed shirt. He was simply a hole on the air. - - - George Orwell (about Stanley Baldwin) He has the lucidity which is the byproduct of a fundamentally sterile mind. - - - Aneurin Bevan (about Neville Chamberlain) Dangerous as an enemy, untrustworthy as a friend, but fatal as a colleague. - - - Sir Hercules Robinson (about Joseph Chamberlain) He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle. - - - Alice Roosevelt Longworth (about Calvin Coolidge) How can they tell? - - - Dorothy Parker (hearing of Calvin Coolidge's death) He's the only man able to walk under a bed without hitting his head. - - - Walter Winchell (about Thomas E. Dewey) You really have to get to know him to dislike him. - - - James T. Patterson (about Thomas E. Dewey) He is just about the nastiest little man I've ever known. He struts sitting down. - - - Lillian Dykstra (about Thomas E.

Dewey) Like the little man on top of the wedding cake. - - - Source questionable, either: Walter Winchell, Ethel Barrymore, or Grace Hodgson Flandrau (about Thomas E. Dewey, 1944) The Wizard of Ooze. - - - John F. Kennedy (about Everett Dirksen) Why, this fellow don't know any more about politics than a pig knows about Sunday. - - - Harry S Truman (about Dwight D. Eisenhower) Oh, if I could piss the way he speaks! - - - Georges Clemenceau (about David Lloyd George) It was hard to listen to Goldwater and realize that a man could be half Jewish and yet sometimes appear twice as dense as the normal Gentile. - - - I. F. Stone (about Barry Goldwater, 1968) His speeches left the impression of an army of pompous phrases moving over the landscape in search of an idea. - - - William McAdoo (about Warren Harding) His writing is rumble and bumble, flap and doodle, balder and dash. - - - H. L.

Mencken (about Warren Harding) He wouldn't commit himself to the time of day from a hatful of watches. - - - Westbrook Pegler (about Herbert Hoover) Such a little man could not have made so big a depression. - - - Norman Thomas (about Herbert Hoover) The hustler from Chicago. - - - George Bush (about Jesse Jackson, 1988) We know that he has, more than any other man, the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. - - - Winston Churchill (about Ramsay MacDonald) He has no more backbone than a chocolate eclair. - - - Louise Lamprey (about President McKinley, 1897) The right honorable and learned gentleman has twice crossed the floor of this House, each time leaving behind a trail of slime. - - - David Lloyd George (about Sir John Simon) Canada has at last produced a political leader worthy of assassination. - - - Irving Layton (about Pierre Trudeau) To err is Truman. - - - A popular joke in 1946 Insults about famous writers He is all ice and wooden faced acrobatics.

- - - Percy Wyndham Lewis (about Wystan Hugh Auden) His verse . . . is the beads without the string. - - - Gerard Manley Hopkins (about Robert Browning) He is mad, bad and dangerous to know. - - - Lady Caroline Lamb (about Lord Byron) The world is rid of him, but the deadly slime of his touch remains. - - - John Constable (about the death of Lord Byron) A great zircon in the diadem of American literature. - - - Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote) He's a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices. - - - Gore Vidal (about Truman Capote) Truman Capote's death was a good career move. - - - Gore Vidal A huge pendulum attached to a small clock. - - - Ivan Panin (about Samuel Taylor Coleridge) His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich. - - - Thomas Babington Macaulay (about John Dryden) T. S. Eliot and I like to play, but I like to play euchre, while he likes to play Eucharist. - - - Robert Frost (about T. S.

Eliot) Even those who call Mr. Faulkner our greatest literary sadist do not fully appreciate him, for it is not merely his characters who have to run the gauntlet but also his readers. - - - Clifton Fadiman (about William Faulkner) He uses a lot of big words, and his sentences are from here to the airport. - - - Carolyn Chute (about William Faulkner) He was a great friend of mine. Well, as much as you could be a friend of his, unless you were a fourteen-year-old nymphet. - - - Truman Capote (about William Faulkner) Fitzgerald never got rid of anything; the ghosts of his adolescence, the failures of his youth, the doubts of his maturity plagued him to the end. He was supremely a part of the world he described, so much a part that he made himself its king and then, when he saw it begin to crumble, he crumbled with it and led it to death. - - - John Aldridge (about F. Scott Fitzgerald) An animated adenoid. - - - Norman Douglas (about Ford Maddox Ford) A nice, acrid, savage, pathetic old chap.

- - - I. A. Richards (about Robert Frost) Gibbon is an ugly, affected, disgusting fellow and poisons our literary club for me. I class him among infidel wasps and venomous insects. - - - James Boswell (about Edward Gibbon) He walked as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it. - - - Christopher Smart (about Thomas Gray) Always willing to lend a helping hand to the one above him. - - - F. Scott Fitzgerald (about Ernest Hemingway) The stupid person's idea of the clever person. - - - Elizabeth Bowen (about Aldous Huxley) He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it. - - - T. S. Eliot (about Henry James) A little emasculated mass of inanity. - - - Theodore Roosevelt (about Henry James) I am reading Henry James...and feel myself as one entombed in a block of smooth amber. - - - Virginia Woolf (about Henry James) He spares no resource in telling of his dead inventions... Bare verbs he rarely tolerates. He splits infinitives and fills them up with adverbial stuffing.

He presses the passing colloquialism into his service. His vast paragraphs sweat and struggle; they could not sweat and elbow and struggle more if God Himself was the processional meaning to which they sought to come. - - - H. G. Wells (about Henry James) Reading him is like wading through glue. - - - Alfred, Lord Tennyson (about Ben Johnson) There is no arguing with Johnson; for when his pistol misses fire, he knocks you down with the butt end of it. - - - Oliver Goldsmith (about Samuel Johnson) Nothing but old fags and cabbage-stumps of quotations from the Bible and the rest, stewed in the juice of deliberate, journalistic dirty-mindedness. - - - D. H. Lawrence (about James Joyce, 1928) That's not writing, that's typing. - - - Truman Capote (about Jack Kerouac's style) Mr. Lawrence looked like a plaster gnome on a stone toadstool in some suburban garden . . . he looked as if he had just returned from spending an uncomfortable night in a very dark cave. - - - Dame Edith Sitwell (about D. H.

Lawrence) There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. - - - Oscar Wilde (about Alexander Pope) Some call Pope little nightingale - all sound and no sense. - - - Lady Mary Wortley Montagu (about Alexander Pope) He was humane but not human. - - - e e Cummings (about Ezra Pound) To me Pound remains the exquisite showman without the show. - - - Ben Hecht (about Ezra Pound) He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex. - - - Tom Volpe (about Harold Robbins) The cruelest thing that has happened to Lincoln since he was shot by Booth was to fall into the hands of Carl Sandburg. - - - Edmund Wilson A freakish homunculus germinated outside lawful procreation. - - - Henry Arthur Jones (about George Bernard Shaw) He writes his plays for the ages--the ages between five and twelve. - - - George Nathan (about George Bernard Shaw) Sitting in a sewer and adding to it.

- - - Thomas Carlyle (about Algernon Charles Swinburne) A dirty man with opium-glazed eyes and rat-taily hair. - - - Lady Frederick Cavendish (about Alfred, Lord Tennyson) A tall, thin, spectacled man with the face of a harassed rat. - - - Russell Maloney (about James Thurber) That insolent little ruffian, that crapulous lout. When he quitted a sofa, he left behind him a smear. - - - Norman Cameron (about Dylan Thomas) A large shaggy dog unchained scouring the beaches of the world and baying at the moon. - - - Robert Louis Stevenson (about Walt Whitman) Oscar Wilde's talent seems to me to be essentially rootless, something growing in glass on a little water. - - - George Moore (about Oscar Wilde) Dank, limber verses, stuft with lakeside sedges And propt with rotten stakes from rotten hedges. - - - Walter Savage Landor (about William Wordsworth) Insulting comments about miscellaneous men He couldn't Master Mind an electric bulb into a socket.

- - - Fanny Brice (about her husband Nick Arnstein) A fat little flabby person, with the face of a baker, the clothes of a cobbler, the size of a barrel maker, the manners of a stocking salesman, and the dress of an innkeeper. - - - Victor de Balabin (about Honorï¿½ de Balzac) A monstrous orchid. Series 1, Episode 4 - QI Transcripts dot com Series 1, Episode 4 TRANSCRIPT Stephen Hello, hello, and welcome to QI, the quiz that rhymes with "Stephen Fry". Now, let's . . . let's meet the members of our happy band: Al Davies . . . Howie Goodall . . . Jez Hardy . . . and Jo Brand. Now, the rules are simple: I am a pimple. No, that's enough rhyming. Erm . . . Er, the rules are a cinch, in fact; the questions are not. As almost no one ever gets one right, I award points for being interesting, and penalties for being pathetically-obvious. Each member of the panel is provided with an attention-seeking device.

Er, Jeremy goes: Jeremy [presses buzzer, which plays a cannon's boom followed by a duck squawking] [reacts to the buzzer as though he's been hit] Stephen [presses buzzer, which plays a guitar flourish] Stephen [presses buzzer, which plays a campy, synthesized jazz tune] Stephen [presses buzzer, which dings and says brightly, "Cashier number four, please!"] Stephen Very good. Right, I'm going straight onto the first question, which is, in fact, very easy. So, fingers on those mushroomoid buzzers, please: What is the main ingredient of air? Alan [presses buzzer, which dings and says brightly, "Cashier number four, please!"] Stephen Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "OXYGEN". Stephen Oh, Alan! So early on! [holds up card which reads "OXYGEN"] No. No, no, no. Not true, I'm afraid. And I'm afraid you get – Jo [presses buzzer, which jazzes synthetically] Stephen – a bit of a forfeit. Yes? Jo "Nitrogen" is the right answer.

Well done. Jo [pumps arm in victory] Yes! Stephen I have to warn you that if you had said "carbon dioxide", you would have lost 3,000 points, because there is so little carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Alan Because trees eat it all. Stephen Sort-of, yes, that's right. There is, in fact – Alan Trees do. They get rid of carbon dioxide. But if you're in a lift with someone, and after a while – Stephen – there will be – [breaks off]. Stephen Sorry. I was just second-guessing you there. Alan No, but after a while, there . . . there won't be enough air in the lift, and that will be carbon dioxide. The cause of death . . . would be. Jeremy Always take a tree into a lift with you. Alan And then you can hide, as well. Alan Move around the lift unseen. Alan You could entertain yourself. . . . It should be a fruit tree, so there'd be some food, as well as something to get rid of the carbon dioxide. Jeremy And you can make a shelter to shield you from the burning light, and possibly, a canoe, to escape.

Alan In the event of flooding. Stephen But, no, this is absolutely right. Nitrogen is 78% of air. Less than 21% of air is oxygen, and only three hundredths of 1% of the air is carbon dioxide. Alan But nitrogen's lethal. If you breathe in – Stephen – nitrogen only, you would die. Stephen Yes. Because you do need oxygen, don't you? Alan Yes. Alan I've been scuba diving, and if you get nitro–nitrogen narcosis, it means you're getting bubbles of nitrogen – Stephen Yeah. Alan And people think "the bends" is 'cause you go a bit – [slumps and writhes in his seat] – like that, but actually, you get stuck – [freezes] – in odd positions, 'cause your body can't move properly, 'cause it's full of nitrogen, which is lethal. Jeremy No, that's when the wind changes. When you've been . . . when the wind changes when you're swinging on your chair and running with scissors at the same time. Stephen Well, we're going to move from "air" . . . we're going to move from "air" to "areas".

What is the most boring place in Britain? Jo [presses buzzer, which jazzes synthetically] Stephen Is it, erm, the Big Brother house? Stephen Very good. I'm actually, er . . . I have to confess, I'm feeling rather good about Big Brother at the moment, not that I've seen any of it, but, er . . . my, erm . . . my agent got a call yesterday – and I don't know what this means – erm, and they wondered if I . . . I – Alan Had to blow the dust off the phone straight away! Stephen – one of the . . . one of the . . . what are they called? Alan [blows on an imaginary telephone several times, and fans dust away] Stephen What are they called? Thank you. Alan [picks up phone] "Mr F– . . . Mr Fry's agent!" Stephen Thank you. Now, what . . . what are they called in Big Brother? Inmates. Inmates? Alan Frymates. Stephen One of the housemates . . . apparently, they're allowed to have a book. Which may be some . . . a . . .

a new thing – Alan They are allowed to have a book. Stephen – and one of the housemates has asked – Jo They can't read. They're not. Stephen [picks up notepad and looks at it in confusion] Stephen – one of the housemates has asked for one of my books. Isn't that exciting? Alan I feel touched by celebrity, almost. Alan You know, the coffee table's a bit wonky. Stephen The . . . I remember from watching the first series. The one thing I really look forward to is . . . was Day 8, 'cause [imitates Marcus Bentley] "Day Eight" was a wonderful sound, isn't it? Bless him. Newcastle, I believe. Erm . . . Oh, yes. Alan Newcastle is far from being the most boring place in Britain. Stephen Certainly is not the most boring place in Britain, and thank you for dragging us back to the question. Alan Is this gonna be something like . . . there's been an actual survey of amenities, facilities . . . Stephen "Survey" is a very good word to stick to, actually, because I'm talking technically, the most boring place, or tech– Alan No.

Most Greek islands are very pleasant. What's . . . what's wrong with Argos? Jeremy Oh! Jeremy "Next" is a very good catalog because it gives you a chance to see what the clothes would look like if attractive people wore them. Stephen Very good. Now, yes, Howard. I believe you were trying to buzz. Howard Erm, is this, erm . . . just moving up here on Alan's idea, but . . . is this a place on the Ordinance Survey where there are no signs of any kind – Stephen Ten points. Absolutely right. Correct. [The audience begins to applaud for Howard.] Alan No, it's not Salisbury Plain. Alan Sorry, Howard. I jumped in on your round of applause. Stephen I have . . . I have a sort of slight mind to take five points away from you for suggesting that Salisbury Plain is the most . . . it has, probably, the most important Ordinance Survey reference in all of the United Kingdom: Stonehenge. For God's sake. Alan Which is . . . quite an interesting place. Stephen – stood on a landmine on Salisbury Plain – Jeremy Yes, because the army used a lot for . . .

for – Alan It really, really, really hurt, but, er, he didn't lose a foot. Stephen I'm sure if the manufacturers had known it was going to really, really hurt, they would have . . . they would have come up with a safety version. Alan It was a little . . . it was much, much worse than, for example, stepping on a drawing pin, which really, really, really hurts . . . Much worse than that. Stephen Paper cut's the worst thing, isn't it? Stephen Lemon on a paper cut. Jeremy Paper cut! 'Cause people say, "Oh, there's nothing worse than a paper cut. Not a sword, not a chainsaw . . . nothing." . . . "Nothing worse than a summer cold. Not syphilis, grenade up the bum . . . nothing." Stephen No, thank you very much. Alan Almost a featureless environment! Stephen No. I am . . . as an East Anglian, I abs– . . . I refute that with every fibre of my being. The actual answer is a field – Jeremy [interrupts] No, you can't refute . . . That's bad grammar, that, Stephen.

To refute, you have to provide evidence. Stephen Yeah. But a good point. Very good point. Jeremy If you weren't . . . if you weren't showing off, you could have said "reject". Stephen Yes, indeed. You're absolutely right. Though it's not bad grammar, is it? It's just bad semantics. Jeremy Stephen Yeah. Yeah. But, er . . . yeah. No, I stand . . . I stand hideously corrected and shamed. Erm, a field outside Ousefleet, near Scunthorpe, in Lincolnshire. There's absolutely nothing in it apart from part an electricity pylon and some overhead cabling. On the 1:50,000 scale Ordinance Survey map, it's the blankest square kilometre in the country. Alan [carefully] Is it not in East Anglia? Stephen Well, all right! It's north. I think of it as the north, erm . . . Erm, Lincolnshire. Yeah. Jeremy There's a terrifyingly-large morehen up in the top right! Stephen It's a picture of Ousefleet, anyway! Stephen Charles Dickens, on the other hand, would not agree.

He'd have voted for Chelmsford. He stayed there once, and described it as "the dullest and most stupid spot on the face of the earth". And Charles Dickens should know, because he actually invented the word "boredom". Did you know that? Alan No. Stephen Isn't that interesting? Bleak House, in 1852. A little, quite interesting ripple just ran around the audience, there. From one author to another. What did Barbara Cartland do in 1983, which involved a sofa and a hot-water bottle? Howard [presses buzzer, which flourishes] Do you know, she was buried in a cardboard coffin, underneath an oak tree in the grounds of her house? Stephen I didn't! And I'll give you five points for being quite interesting – Howard I know . . . and I haven't even finished – Stephen Oh, you're going to get more, are you? Howard The oak tree was planted by Elizabeth I. And the mourners at her funeral took away . . . were given a leaf from the oak tree as a remembrance. Stephen Is that quite interesting? Stephen Your five points stands; I'm not going to increase it . . .

but that is very good. A cardboard . . . Why cardboard? Alan It's not really called a – Stephen To . . . so it would perish? Howard It melts . . . it melts into the – Stephen – I presume, to melt into the earth – Stephen – the sod – Jeremy That's 'cause they weren't entirely sure she was dead, because for the last . . . for the last 50 or 60 years, it was a bone of contention among – Alan She wrote a book! [throws hands up] Howard – or something like that, she broke a record, in one year – Stephen – for writing the largest number of books? Ever. Stephen That had ever been written by anybody in a single year. Howard It was something like, you know, 30-something. 38. 39. 40. Stephen Not . . . I'll cer– . . . I'll certainly give you – Howard 32! Stephen I'll give you three points before you give me every number in the known universe. She actually wrote 23 – Alan 23! I said – Stephen – 23 novels – and she got into the Guinness Book of Records . . .

she wrote in one year, using . . . using only from the hours – Alan I have that written down. Stephen – of one to half-past one – Alan In 78 years, she produced over 600 books. Alan Has anyone in the audience ever read one? [Silence.] Does anyone know anyone who's ever read one? Has anyone ever seen one? Jo Your birthday. Stephen [looking at Jo] Now, you see, probably in hospitals is probably a place you do see them, isn't it? Jo Psychiatric hospitals. Stephen Psychiatric hospitals . . . Erm, she did say, a–after she had written all these; she said, "I'll keep going 'til my face falls off." A face, incidentally, that reminded Clive James of two crows that had crash-landed into the White Cliffs of Dover. Now, what's 15 miles away from everybody, and smells of geraniums? Jeremy [presses buzzer, which booms and squawks] It would be an out-of-town warehouse shop called "World of Geraniums". Stephen "No" is the answer to that, because you . . .

wherever you are – Alan It's 15 miles from e– Stephen It must be – [points to ceiling] – straight up. Stephen I like . . . I like your thinking. Alan Or towards the earth's core itself. Stephen Yeah. Jeremy Is that like, "you're never more than 15 miles from a geranium," like "eight feet from a rat"? Stephen It's not quite like that. You're . . . you're never . . . you're never more than 15 miles from the smell of a geranium. It's a very odd thing. Howard Space smells like a geranium? Howard Er, mustard gas smells like geraniums. Stephen Not mustard – . . . Mustard gas, hence the name, smells faintly of mustard, I think you'll find . . . No. It's . . . it's a very famous gas, but . . . which is most famous for forming a layer in our atmosphere. Jeremy The ozone layer! Stephen It is indeed ozone. I don't give you any points, because that was too easy. Ozone is . . . is . . .

is, of course – Howard [bursts out laughing] Stephen – well, having said it was a famous "layer", come on – is a gas. There we are. There's the ionosphere, there's the mesosphere, the stratosphere, and there's the ozone layer, just wedged in-between the stratosphere and the mesosphere. Alan 15 miles away . . . and it does smell faintly of geraniums. Alan Now, I put it to you – Stephen – that were you to go into the ozone layer and sniff . . . Stephen Well – Alan You would not have enough time to say, "It smells a bit like – " [starts to choke] Stephen Someone goes [calls downwards], "What's it smell like?!" [makes more choking noises] Stephen Well, now, ozone is a poisonous form of oxygen. But without it, the sun's ultraviolet rays would kill all land animals and plants. Ozone is blue, and smells faintly of geraniums. One of my favourite layers of the atmosphere is called the "Heaviside layer". Heaviside layer. Erm – Jeremy Is it a bit on the heavy side? Stephen Well, no . . .

oddly enough, it isn't. It's named after someone called Heaviside, who was a rather marvelous self-taught physicist. But it sort-of sounds so like it should be. Alan "Self-taught" sounds like he writes it on the blackboard, then runs around and sits and jots it down. Stephen What resembles a half-melted rubber bulldog? This was a description by the film critic John Simon of a very great film actor – Jo It is Walter Matthau! Five points! Well done! Jo [to Alan] How did I get that? Alan Top work. That's, er, according to the critic John Simon. There we are. Now. From actors to atomic physics. What are atoms mostly made of? Alan Well, they're made . . . they are . . . not "mostly" . . . They're just made of the thing that they are, in that – [brings fingers together as though holding an atom] – Stephen – and not combined with other atoms. They are alone . . . Stephen Therefore, they are . . . just an atom. Stephen It's . . .

it's not exactly a trick question, but they're mostly made of nothing, by a very, very long way. Even . . . even the atom of stone or diamond is more "nothing" than it is anything solid. Alan Like a t–tiny, really small, little piece of nothing. Does it have protons and electrons, or is that a molecule? Stephen You're right. No, p–protons and neutrons in the middle, there, which is the nucleus, and then the electron, which whizzes around outside. Alan I remember that from physics. Stephen Yeah. Yeah. An atom, in fact, is, er, much, much emptier, relatively speaking, than the whole solar system. Ernest Rutherford, the first man to describe the inside of an atom, likened, er . . . er, it . . . likened it to a . . . a few flies in a cathedral. That's what those little particles are inside the atom. The simplest element in the universe is hydrogen. It has a nucleus of just one proton, around which orbits a single electron. Now, if the proton were the size of a drawing pin . . . yeah? Yeah? Erm . . .

erm, the electron would be the size of a pinhead, and it would be one kilometre away. Jeremy Yeah, but if I were to put a pineapple on my head, I'd look like Carmen Miranda, but I don't! Stephen . . . I don't think you quite entered into the spirit of it. Alan Well, they're really hard to divide up into more than one part. Stephen Yes. 'Cause the word means . . . that. It means . . . It means "no cut". Alan Can't split. Stephen A-tom. Yes. I think it's "tomeo" is the Greek for "I cut". And . . . As in "appendectomy": to cut. Cut the appendix, and so on. And the rather wonderful English word tmesis, which, so far as I know, is the only English word that begins with the letters "tm". T-M-E-S-I-S; it's rather wonderful. Which is that . . . when you cut a word in half by putting another word inside, like saying "abso-blooming-lutely," or "sen-fucking-sational," or . . . called tmesis. Jo Yes.

Howard Well, he was certainly a toff, and he had a lot of money, so he spent his whole life living in this house, doing experiments. And he lived in Great Marlborough Street, in Soho. And if you walk from Great Marlborough Street to Jermyn Street, it takes you about three minutes. And he identified, erm, hydrogen, in about 1770, something like that. In 1770, the world's first grand piano was made by Americus Bacchus, who had his studio in Jermyn Street – Stephen Well! Howard – at exactly the same time. So my connection is, they probably met at the same coffee shoppe. Stephen That's brilliant. You've gotta have five points for that. That's superb. Superb stuff. I love it. I like that. Peculiar man. Peculiar man. And how odd to have an English aristocrat who's also peculiar. There you are. I'll tell you what it is. I . . . I . . . I expect Howard to get it if I tell you that there are 89 frequencies to a hydrogen atom. Howard Well, there are 88 keys on a piano.

Stephen Absolutely. Therefore, 88 frequencies if you, obviously, discount harmonics. There are 88 notes. Howard Although not on an imperial grand. There are more than 88 keys on an imperial grand. Stephen "The six wives of Henry VIII." Stephen Just because other people have made the mistake, it's no excuse for you to make it, too. It was, erm – Alan He had six wives! Jeremy He had major, major commitment problems, didn't he? I imagine, every time, he said, "Oh, it's not you. It's me." And then, I suppose, they had a trial separation, which involved a brief trial and a very major separation! Stephen Yes, well done. Of head from shoulders, exactly right. Jeremy It must have been very difficult for the new woman in his life each time. She'd say, "Oh, I don't know, Henry. Every–everywhere I look, I just see her face," 'cause it's on a pole. Stephen Yes. Jo Possibly Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't know. But, erm, his . . . his guts were so rotten, and it was such a hot day, that his stomach exploded.

Stephen Ah, what a nasty thought. Jo Isn't that a nice image? Stephen Yes, he was syphilitic, and he was huge, and he was . . . he was a mess of a man – Jo He sounds bloody gorgeous, doesn't he? Stephen Well . . . As a young man, he was. As a young man, he was considered one of the most attractive men in – in all of Renaissance Europe. He was . . . he was much admired – Jo I prefer syphilitic and bloated, myself – Stephen – athletic, musical, poetic . . . Yes, he did get a bit bloated. [puts hands on own stomach] I can't understand people who do. Jo – but at least they're easy. Stephen Erm . . . No. Yes. It's an interesting fact, this. The real answer is "three or four". Henry's fourth marriage to Anne of Cleves was annulled on two grounds: It was never consummated, and . . . and she was already betrothed to Francis, Duke of Lorraine. This was, er, correct in law, at the time, and all parties agreed that no legal marriage had ever taken place.

That leaves five wives. Er, the Pope declared Henry's second marriage, to Anne Boleyn, void, because Henry was still married to his first wife, Catherine of Aragon. And the king himself, as head of the new Church of England, declared that, er, his first marriage was invalid on the correct legal ground that a man could not marry his brother's wife, and Catherine of Aragon had been married to his brother Arthur. Alan [fingers on temples] Did he . . . did he or did he not have six weddings? Stephen Yes, he did, but that wasn't the question I asked. Alan And did he say, "This is my wife . . . " – Six different people? Six different mothers-in-law all said of him, "He is my bloated, syphilitic son-in-law . . . " Stephen But by his second marriage, he said he'd never been married, because he never had a wife, because his first wife he could not be married to, Catherine of Aragon – Alan What about all the families who said, "Yes, you did: We were there!"? Stephen There was a wedding, but there was no legal – Alan They heard the speeches.

They'd wake up in the morning, dead, wouldn't they? Stephen But there was no legal spousal status. That's the point we're trying to make. But, of course – Jeremy How many toast racks did he have? Stephen That's the . . . that's the d– . . . That's the way. Count the toast racks, and you'll find out. Alan Now, can I ask a question about that painting? Stephen Yeah, that's the one. He was never effete – Alan Played by the president of the gun club? Stephen He was an athletic . . . he was an athletic Italian homosexual. Alan I thought he was the wussy one! Stephen He may well have preferred man-on-man action; that doesn't mean – Alan No, I don't mean . . . When I say . . . Stephen – he was Julian Clary ! He could have been butch, like me! You see – Alan When I say "wussy one", I don't mean he was . . . he was gay; I mean he was a bit of a – [bends wrists and flops whole torso from side to side].

Stephen Stephen – but he preferred to take it up the Gary Glitter, and there we are. Er, now. Depending on whether you believe the Pope or, indeed, the king, or both of them together, Henry VIII, therefore, had either four wives or three. Erm, now, what English word rhymes with silver? Howard Is this one of the ones like "orange", where there is no rhyme for it? Stephen Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "NOTHING". Stephen You . . . you kind-of said that, didn't you? No. A lot of people think, like "orange", that there is no, er, rhyme for . . . for silver, but there is. Alan – "Russia". Russia! I said that! Stephen You did. Well done . . . you. Now, here's a quite interesting thing. Diamonds are made of pure carbon, er, and so is graphite, the stuff that, er, pencils are made from; the lead of a pencil, er . . .

but with the carbon atoms arranged slightly differently, so slightly differently that diamond is the hardest-known substance on earth, with a score of 10 on the Moh Hardness Scale, but graphite is one of the softest – Alan "Mo' Hardness", like . . . as in "Mo' Better Blues"? Stephen No, as in "M-O-H", the name of the – Alan Ah. Stephen – fellow who gave us this hardness scale. Diamonds score 10, and . . . and graphite scores very, very low; 1.2, or something like that – Alan So cold. So . . . so much colder than that. Jeremy Blackpool! Stephen You're all doing well. No, astoundingly, light is, first, invisible; you can't see it; only what bumps into it, or it bumps into. If you could see it, you wouldn't be able to see anything else. Erm, it's often said that the speed of light is constant, but it isn't. Only in a vacuum, when it is 186,000 miles a second. In any other medium, er, the speed of light varies considerably, as a matter of fact.

Through diamonds, for example, it goes less than half as . . . as fast: 80,000 miles a second – Alan Is that 'cause it's going, [impressed] "Wooo . . . !" Stephen Oh! That counts as "background," I'm afraid – Forfeit: Klaxons sound. Viewscreens flash the word "BACKGROUND". Stephen – that's gotta be . . . that's gotta be considered hugely wrong. Hugely wrong. I'm afraid you’ve fallen for it again. No, it doesn’t. It doesn’t; it doesn’t, it never has, it never will. Howard Temperature? Stephen But it suits its . . . Yes, we’ll give you . . . we’ll give you a couple for temperature, yes. Jo [presses buzzer, which dings once] Car? Stephen [drowned out by laughter] . . . "background" or "environment", in a way, doesn’t it? To match anything else around it. It doesn’t change colours to match anything. It changes colour according to mood. It could be mood or temperature or emotion . . . fear, for example; so on, like that.

Alan But they’re changing to the colour of the branch that they’re hanging on. Stephen That is . . . that is . . . that is the, er, fallacy. Alan Do they know that? Has someone told them? Shouldn’t they be told? Stephen Well, they usually – Alan [to imaginary chameleon on desk] I don’t know what you’re doing that for; we can see you! Stephen The usual – Alan [pretends to hang onto plant] "I happen to be in a slightly dodgy mood. That’s all this is about. I’m not trying to look like this leaf." Stephen It used to be thought of chameleons; in fact, if you were to say . . . a hundred years ago, if you were to ask someone, "What is the . . . what is the well-known fact about chameleons?" they would say that they live on air, which was assumed to be, because they move so very, very little, and can very rarely be seen to be breathing. Another thing about er . . . erm, chameleons, is that their eyes can swivel independently.

Alan I’m sure they do – Alan Or do they think the planet's just going – [wobbles hands around his eyes]. Stephen They must have worked it out. Right, well, it only leaves for me, therefore, ladies and gentlemen, to give you the final scores. And they are . . . quite interesting. Erm, I fear that in last place is Alan, with minus twenty-four points. In third place: Jeremy, with seven. Second is Howard, with thirteen, but in the lead, rousingly, is Jo, with thirty-six points! Jo Oh, my word. Stephen That’s about it for QI this week. There’s just time for me to thank Jeremy, Howard, Jo, and Alan, and to say something quite interesting to finish with, concerning an interesting property of graphite, taken from the Agony column in the Daily Mirror. "Dear Marge, I noted, in your column a few weeks ago, the pros and cons of women going without a bra. A few weeks ago, I saw a small item in the paper which may help to settle the matter.

It is said that if a woman is not certain whether or not she should go braless, she should place a pencil under her bosom. If the pencil stays there, she should wear a bra. I would sign my name to this letter, but my wife still has my pencil." Good night. Thank you. Episode Notes Wonderful line. Stephen never gets around to finishing his anecdote in this episode. In the recording for 6x11 , however, he revealed that the line he so liked is, "Don't dicker with your pontiff." (His revelation did again not make it to the broadcast episode.) The actual line from The Agony in the Ecstacy, spoken by Pope Julius II, is: "You dare to dicker with your pontiff?" Julian Clary. Poor maligned Julian actually appears as a QI panellist three series hence, in 4x07 . Virgin train. The reliability of the Virgin rail service is again called into question in 5x01 , when Bill Bailey remarks that a toy train that "stops in the right place" can't be a Virgin train.

Question: Film critic John Simon described which actor as resembling ‘A half-melted bulldog’?
Answer: Walter Matthau