10 Creepiest Spiders in Movies - Listverse 10 Creepiest Spiders in Movies Flamehorse October 31, 2012 It’s Halloween! We can’t let the last list of the day disappoint so not only are we publishing a great list about one of natures most horrifying creatures, it is also written by one of out most loved writers: Flamehorse. So read the list then head on out to your nearest Halloween party – don’t eat too much candy! Oh – WARNING: tarantulas! 10 Tarantula This was a campy, 1950s, giant monster movie. King Kong put this genre on the map, and with the advancements in technology, the special effects progressed beyond stop-motion by the time of this film. It came out one year after Japan struck freakin’ gold with Godzilla, and some American genius said, “We’re all afraid of spiders! Let’s make one big one!” It didn’t really work, though, because the poor dumb monstrosity couldn’t skitter-skitter-skitter down the streets like a real spider would. Not all that scary, but still worth watching a giant spider tearing up a city and munching people.

Especially to see Clint Eastwood bring the heat with a bombing run. 9 Tarantulas: The Deadly Cargo A good, old-fashioned, ’70s exploitation film. This one exploits arachnophobia to the nth degree. A plane flying from South America has tarantula stowaways, just a few tens of thousands. They get loose on the plane and actually bring the plane down in a California town by swarming over the pilots! Then the townspeople open the plane and let ’em loose. They need to remake it with SAMUEL L. JACKSON!! YES! THEY DESERVE TO DIE AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!! 8 Dr. No Apparently, even James Bond is terrified of them. It’s a huge tarantula, and the film makes it out to be extraordinarily poisonous. The moviegoers were fairly uneducated at the time. Bond lies still, scared to death, until it gets off him, then all Hell breaks loose. Shame about the spider, but you don’t mess with Bond. 7 Home Alone Joe Pesci probably took this part so people would stop thinking he’s a member of the Mafia. He and Daniel Stern are the best things in the movie.

They almost catch Macaulay Culkin in a hallway, and Stern leaps and grabs his ankle. Culkin looks around and finds his brother’s pet tarantula, picks it up and sets it right down on Stern’s face. The scream should’ve gotten him an Oscar. He throws the spider away, it lands on Pesci, and Stern gets a hold of himself long enough to smash Pesci right in the sternum with a crowbar. One of the few scenes in which the tarantula looks rather cute. He lives. 6 The Beyond This is a notorious Italian horror film from 1981, a cult classic now. Quentin Tarantino loves it. It involves a lynch mob crucifying a man at the beginning, whose death opens up a portal to Hell. Mm-hmm. Shakespeare. Pure Shakespeare. In one of the shenanigans that transpires later, a librarian is startled by lightning, and falls off a ladder, knocking himself out. Then all the tarantulas in the world, including ridiculously fake ones, descend on him and rip his face apart! The sound effects are what make it so great.

The spiders squeak like rusty hinges as they walk, and all the while, you hear something like boiling pretzels, that must be their chewing. 5 Nothing to Lose One of the best comedies that few people appreciate. Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence team up (talk about differences). In one scene, Robbins has just been out in the desert at night, and is now driving his SUV back to town with Lawrence beside him. “There’s a spider on your head, man.” “Look, I’m sorry, I’m not up on all this jive talkin’, home boy lingo, what’s that supposed to mean? ‘There’s a spider on your head?'” “It means there’s a spider on your motherf___n’ head, man! Then the tarantula skitters around from Robbins’ temple right onto the center of his face. All while he’s driving. He slams on brakes, jumps and does what they used to call “the tarantella.” To “Scatman.” He sprayed his shoes with gasoline earlier, and somehow finds his matches with his heels. Lawrence is falling out of the car laughing.

4 The Return of the King It was supposed to be in The Two Towers, as Tolkien wrote it, but the producers decided to hold off and make more money. I guess it was worth the wait, because computers can now make one creepy, hellacious, giant spider. The kind that moves fast, has foot-long fangs, plenty of eyes, hair, and even a stinger. The spider is actually an amalgam of various New Zealand species that scare Peter Jackson for various reasons. Trivia: If they ever decide to film The Silmarillion, Tolkien’s precursor to The Lord of the Rings, there’s a character in it named Ungoliant, who is a giant spider that makes Shelob look like…well, like spiders look in real life. Ungoliant dies in the book by becoming so hungry that she eats herself. 3 Arachnophobia One of the very few good movies dedicated to an accurate depiction of what makes spiders scary. Not the giant ones. If they moved fast, that would be something, but really, all you need is one about the size of your palm. Make that hundreds about the size of your palm. The spiders used in the film are Avondale spiders from New Zealand, Delena cancer ides.

They’re scary-looking, but actually, they’re very friendly, as spiders go, and will crawl all over you without biting. You have to work hard to make them bite. The creep-you-out-of-your-pants scene is at the end, when they all leave the nest and infest Jeff Daniels’ house, spreading all over the walls, the door, the TV, spewing out of the sink drain, up under the doorknobs, under the doors, hanging down from the ceiling. And in the film, they’re so poisonous that one bite will kill you in 5 seconds. Daniels pitches over the stairs and crashes into the basement, where Big Mama and Daddy are nesting. 2 This Night I Will Possess Your Corpse This is a little known 1960s masterpiece of creepiness. It’s a sequel to a film in which the main character is the villain, Coffin Joe. Sounds great, already, doesn’t it? In the sequel, Coffin Joe is on the prowl again, looking for a woman to rape and have a son by. In one scene, he sets several dozen black tarantulas loose into a bedroom of several sleeping women.

The spiders go everywhere, nice and slow, while he looks on. They crawl all over the women’s bare flesh, even on their faces. Then they wake up and it’s SCREAMING time! 1 Something Wicked This Way Comes Once and for all, now and forever, Ray Bradbury hit the nail on the head with this idea. The lead characters, two preteen boys, have ticked off a supernatural villain running a demonic carnival. He manages to invade their dreams, and when they wake up, their bedrooms are swarming with hundreds of big, fat, black, hairy tarantulas. They’re covering the beds, under the sheets with the boys, all over the floors, on the doorknobs, up the walls! And they’re REAL TARANTULAS! Skitter-skitter-skitter. More Great Lists Dr. No (1962) Dr. No (1962) d. Terence Young, 110 minutes Opening Credits, Title Sequence The sepia-toned gunbarrel sequence appeared first and then title credits followed immediately. There was no pre-title credits action sequence (the only film in the series to not include one).

The gun barrel opening (with stuntman Bob Simmons) was used for the first three Bond films. Gun-barrel Sequence: Designed by Maurice Binder Main Title Sequence: Designed by Maurice Binder Title Song: "James Bond Theme" (Monty Norman) and "Kingston Calypso" ("Three Blind Mice") (John Barry) Film Plot Summary In Kingston, Jamaica, British government intelligence agent John Strangways (Timothy Moxon), the section chief for Station J (Jamaica) was ambushed and killed (# 1 death) by three assassins ("three blind mice") outside the Queens Club. Strangways' secretary Mary Prescott (Dolores Keator) was also killed (# 2 death) while radio-contacting MI6 (Military Intelligence 6) headquarters. The killers stole Strangways' files on Crab Key and Doctor No. In London, England, the British government summoned Agent 007 James Bond (Sean Connery), who was interrupted at gaming tables at London's Le Cercle Club, where he had just been introduced to Chemin de Fer card-player Sylvia Trench (Eunice Gayson) (the classic entrance line: "Bond, James Bond") before soundly beating her.

When he was summoned away from the gaming table, she was sorry to see him leave: "Sorry you have to go, just as things were getting interesting." He asked his defeated opponent, "Do you play any other games - I mean, besides chemin de fer?" She replied: "Golf, amongst other things" - and he proposed meeting her the next afternoon. Bond was briefed by head of British Secret Service "M" (Bernard Lee) at headquarters. There were reports of interference ("toppling" - throwing off the gyroscopic controls of a missile with a radio beam) with Cape Canaveral rockets, originating from the Jamaica area. The American CIA had already sent Felix Leiter (Jack Lord) to pursue leads. Afterwards, Bond entered his own luxury apartment, where he realized someone had gained entry. Wary, he held a gun on the sexy Sylvia, who surprised him. She was only wearing Bond's own dress shirt ("something more comfortable") and her high-heeled shoes - and she was practicing her putting golf strokes on the rug. She explained how she had accepted his invitation for dinner the next day, although earlier than expected.

She seductively convinced Bond, with a kiss, to not leave immediately for his mission in Jamaica ("When did you say you had to leave?"). Bond agreed to leave "almost immediately" after love-making with her (# 1 tryst). Bond took a plane to Jamaica to investigate the Strangways situation, and to discover if there was any linkage to the missile issue. At the Kingston airport, Bond was watched and followed by a man in sunglasses (later revealed to be Leiter) and a female photographer "Freelance" (Marguerite LeWars), one of Dr. No's operatives, who snapped pictures. He was met by chauffeur Mr. Jones (Reginald Carter) to take him to Government House in a 1957 Chevy convertible, although the man was an impersonator - another Dr. No henchman. On a side road after a brief fist-fight, Jones committed suicide (# 3 death, # 1 Bond kill) with a cyanide-laced cigarette when Bond demanded information about his employer. At Strangways' place, Bond found a receipt from metallurgist Professor R.J.

Dent's laboratory (for analysis of a rock sample), and a picture of Strangways with a local fisherman/guide, Cayman Islander Quarrel (John Kitzmuller). That evening at the club, Bond interviewed the final people to see Strangways alive during his bridge game - metallurgist Professor R.J. Dent (Anthony Dawson), ex-Army General Potter, and British foreign secretary Comm. Pleydell-Smith (Louis Blaazer). Strangways was reported to have recently taken numerous fishing trips with Quarrel (they were mostly looking at Crab Key for mineral samples, sand, and water). The next day at a Caribbean dock and at a beach-front bar, Bond spoke to an uncooperative Quarrel and found himself jumped by Quarrel and the bar-tender Puss-Fellar in a backroom. CIA agent Leiter broke up the fight, and admitted the two worked for him. As they talked in the bar, "Freelance" attempted to take more pictures - when she refused to talk, Bond confiscated her film and let her go.

Strangways had found some rock samples (sent to Dent's lab) on Crab Key, and Bond decided it might be where radio-jamming of American rockets was occurring. Crab Key was owned by villainous, reclusive and menacing half-Chinese Dr. Julius No (Joseph Wiseman) (with metal prosthetic hands), who operated a bauxite mine (with a "low-scan C-H radar setup") heavily guarded by armed security, and it was known that "none of the local fishermen will go near the place." The following morning, Bond spoke to Professor Dent about Strangways' rock sample for analysis, and was told the mineral was "low-grade iron pyrites." Dent denied it was geologically possible for them to have come from Crab Key. Immediately afterwards, Dent took a yacht to Crab Key. In a room with a large skylight, a single chair and table (with a cage on it containing a venomous tarantula), Dr. No's voice chastised Dent for an unauthorized daytime visit, and for not killing Bond. Dent left with the cage and the simple command: "Tonight." In his room that evening, Bond noticed his briefcase and closet had been searched.

That night as he slept, the tarantula crawled up his arm, but he was able to bash it with his shoe. The next day, Bond learned from Pleydell-Smith's Government House suspicious secretary Miss Taro (Zena Marshall) that Strangways had checked out two official files (on Doctor No and Crab Key), now missing. Bond received a package from London, a Geiger counter, which picked up signs of radioactivity from the bottom of Quarrel's boat where the Crab Key rocks were placed (contrary to Dent's analysis). He caught Miss Taro listening in at a keyhole - a suspicious sign that she was secretly working for Dr. No. On his way to a date that afternoon with Miss Taro at her mountain apartment, Bond (in a rented blue Sunbeam Tiger convertible) narrowly escaped death when a large black hearse pursued and attempted to steer him off the road. He escaped under a crane and forced the murderers (the "Three Blind Mice") off a cliff and their car crashed in flames ("I think they were on their way to a funeral") (# 4-6 deaths, # 2-4 Bond kills).

Miss Taro was speechless when Bond arrived unharmed, and told her: "I thought I was invited up here to admire the view." After she took a phone call from someone wanting to keep Bond there, he seduced Miss Taro (# 2 tryst). Then he had her arrested after ordering a 'taxi' (the local police authorities) - she spit in Bond's face as they drove off. He set a trap, making the bed look like there was a figure sleeping there. He sat in a chair and awaited the arrival of an assassin. After Professor Dent had emptied his Smith-Wesson silencer-gun into the bed in an attempted assassination, Bond noted: "You've had your six," and killed Professor Dent (# 7 death, # 5 Bond kill) in cold-blood with two bullets from his Walther PPK. Quarrel and Bond set off in a small canoe from Kingston harbor and arrived that evening at Crab Key, where the next morning in a small cove, they encountered shell-searching, carefree bikinied Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) emerging Venus-like from the water, singing the calypso song "Underneath the Mango Tree." Honey asked: "What are you doing here?

Looking for shells?" Bond (glibly) replied: "No, I'm just looking." She regularly trespassed on Crab Key to collect shells to sell to tourists. They evaded a high-powered security boat that fired bullets at the beach area, and then threatened to return with dogs. Honey led them to a hiding place, where they avoided another foot patrol by breathing through under-water tubes, although Bond had to knife one of the guards in the back (# 8 death, # 6 Bond kill). Honey believed Dr. No had killed her marine zoologist father - he had disappeared while exploring on Crab Key. She had lived all over the world (the Philippines, Bali, Hawaii - "anywhere there were shells") with her father. She didn't go to school, but resourcefully learned everything as a child by reading an encyclopedia ("I started at 'A' when I was eight, and now I've reached 'T'. I bet I know a lot more things than you do!").

In the mangrove swamps, they discovered the "Dragon" to be a flame-throwing, diesel-engined armored tank-vehicle, which incinerated Quarrel alive (# 9 death) before the two were taken captive by the radiation-suited tank crew. Within Dr. No's lair at his private island, Bond and Honey were stripped (Bond: "Do the girl first") and then showered in a decontamination chamber to be scrubbed clean of radiation. Afterwards, they were ushered by Sister Lily (Yvonne Shima) and Sister Rose (Michel Mok) to adjoining hotel suite rooms to dress. A drug-laced coffee drink knocked them out, after which they awakened, dressed formally, and descended in an elevator for a dinner with gracious Dr. No in his private study next to his giant aquarium with a huge glass observation panel. The villain explained how he was an unwanted child (of a German missionary and a Chinese girl) who worked as treasurer for the Tongs, a powerful Chinese Mafia criminal family. After stealing $10 million in gold from them, he built atomic-powered Crab Key and its lair.

He was a member of SPECTRE (SPecial Executive for Counter-intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion). He dreamed of "world domination" by interfering with and sabotaging American space rockets (and their launches) with an atomic-powered, "toppling" radio beam. Dr. No ordered Honey to be taken away by guards for their amusement, and Bond - attempting to defend her - was subdued, beaten up and imprisoned. He escaped from his cell through an electrified ventilation grill and made his way down a shaft to the nuclear reactor's control room. After an attempt to drown him in the air-duct tunnel, Bond stole a hazard-suit from a strangled technician (# 10 death, # 7 Bond kill) and then sabotaged one of the nuclear reactors by overheating it, to prevent harm to the Project Mercury missile launch from Cape Canaveral. In the film's climax, Dr. No and Bond fought one-on-one on a descending gantry above the reactor's cooling tank of boiling radioactive water, where Dr. No was submerged and met his fate (# 11 death, # 8 Bond kill), drowning in the vat. His metallic prosthetic hands could not grip the steel legs of the lowered gantry.

As the base was self-destructing, and Dr. No's men were evacuating, Bond rescued strapped-down Honey from a flooding sluice-gate chamber, and they safely escaped in one of Dr. No's boats - that conveniently ran out of fuel and sent them drifting. Soon, they were given a tow back to shore by CIA ally Felix Leiter on a rescue boat, although Bond released the tow-line to let them go adrift and continue embracing (# 3 tryst). Film Notables (Awards, Facts, etc.) The James Bond franchise is the longest-running one in film history. The first of six films starred Sean Connery as James Bond. And this was the first of fourteen films to feature Lois Maxwell as M's secretary Miss Moneypenny. With the series' first gun-barrel opening credits sequence, and composer Monty Norman's 007 theme music. The film also marked the first appearance of Bond's handgun weapon of choice - a 7.6 mm Walther PPK. Though this was the first James Bond film produced by MGM for the big screen, it was not the first Bond film.

The first on-screen appearance of James Bond (portrayed by Barry Nelson) was in a 1954 made-for-TV adaptation of Ian Fleming's book Casino Royale. This film was the only Bond film to not include some variation of "James Bond will return" in the closing credits. Dr. No (with a penchant for unusual murders, committed by "three blind mice" assassins, and a deadly tarantula) was the first villain to die in the Bond film franchise. With a production budget of about $1.2 million, and gross revenue of $16 million (domestic) and $60 million (worldwide). Set-pieces: the destruction of Dr. No's base and his demise. Bond Villains: The Three Blind Mice, Photographer (Margaret LeWars), Mr. Jones (Reginald Carter), Professor R. J. Dent (Anthony Dawson), Miss Taro (Zena Marshall), Dr.

Julius No (Joseph Wiseman) Bond Girls: Sylvia Trench (Eunice Gayson), Honey Ryder (Ursula Andress) Number of Love-Making Encounters: 3 Film Locales: Kingston, Jamaica, London, England, Crab Key (fictional island off Jamaica) Gadgets: self-destructive bag/briefcase, 7.65 mm Walther PPK with Brausch silencer, cyanide-laced cigarette, Geiger counter Vehicles: 1957 Chevy convertible, blue Sunbeam Tiger (convertible), Dr. No's "Dragon" Tank (fire-breathing, diesel-propelled, with headlights) Number of Deaths (Bond Kills): 11 (8) James Bond: Dr. No: The Abridged Script | The Editing Room The Abridged Script FADE IN: INT. TRACKING WHITE DOT OPENING We open on some AWKWARD SCOTTISH GUY with a SILLY HAT walking through an INFINITE WHITE VOID and then shooting the CAMERA for some REASON. There’s no way THIS will ever be POPULAR and ICONIC. INT.

INTRO SEQUENCE We then jump to COLORED DOTS and RAINBOW SILHOUETTES gyrating to JAMAICAN CALYPSO MUSIC and some BLIND GUYS appear out of the HAZE seriously WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE this was supposed to be a SPY MOVIE. EVERYONE IN 1962 (stoned on enough acid and Quaaludes to kill Leonardo Dicaprio in WOLF OF WALL STREET) Okay, FAIR ENOUGH. EXT. JAMAICA The three BLIND GUYS brush all the TRIPPY LAVA LAMP COLORS off their jackets and enter our reality. They go and find SECRET AGENT CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER the THIRD, who, like all GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES, is getting his DAY DRINK ON during a game of POKER. CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER THE THIRD Right-O, chaps. I’m off to drive home. OTHER AGENTS CHESTERFIELD TEA-CHUGGER THE THIRD Soused on the queen!

CHESTERFIELD stumbles towards his CAR and gets SHOT a bunch by the BLIND GUYS who either AREN’T BLIND or else got EXTREMELY LUCKY. They then go to his HOUSE and kill his SECRETARY and take a bunch of STUFF. Meanwhile, we cut to a LONDON GAMBLING HALL for our iconic introduction to the LEGENDARY FILM HERO who will endure through TWENTY-FOUR MOVIES, about TEN of which are PRETTY GOOD. AREOLA MONS PUBIS (losing at cards) Goodness, who is this handsome stranger winning my kid’s college fund off me? I simply must vagina him. SEAN FUCKING CONNERY The namesh Connery. Sean Connery. WOMEN IN 1962 (ascend to orgasm heaven) SEAN CONNERY Yesh, it'sh me. The one who shtarted it all. Unlesh you count that weird TV movie where Jamesh Bond ish called Jimmy for some fucking reashon. AREOLA MONS PUBIS Well consider me seduced. Need a new caddy? Cuz I’m ready to hold your balls.

SEAN CONNERY Shadly, I musht be off. Shpy businesh. But I’ll gladly show you my Shcottish countryshide at a later time. SEAN goes to MI6 headquarters to get his BRIEFING from BASIL EXPOSITION. M Bond, we’d love it if you could remain sober long enough to go to Jamaica and find out why our agent there got got. SEAN CONNERY I’ll be gone in a moment. Jusht let me shexually ashault your shecretary firsht. MONEYPENNY (is cool with it because it’s Mad Men times) SEAN CONNERY Alright, I’m off. Let me jusht grab my exploding watch and ejector sheat car and- M Oh no, Q doesn’t show up for two more movies. There’s no gadgets yet. SEAN CONNERY SEAN steps off the PLANE. SEAN CONNERY Ah, the firsht of many exshotic locationsh for Jamesh Bond, poshitively loushy with fuckable women and killable men. I wonder what my firsht challenge will be. SUSPICIOUS DRIVER Hello, Mr. Bond.

Care for a ride in my assassination-mobile? SEAN CONNERY And sho beginsh Jamesh Bond’sh tradition of shtepping willingly into an obvioush trap. The driver DRIVES SEAN around for a bit before pulling over to DO SOME KILLING. SEAN CONNERY Not sho fasht, ashhole. Handsh up. Who shent you? DRIVER Goodness, I’ve been caught! Time for us to fight like extras on Star Trek! The two FLAIL at each other for a BIT. SEAN CONNERY Yesh, this wash back before movie shtarsh had to go through nine monthsh of Shpec Opsh training before they could do an action film. Anyway, you’re defeated, ya brigand. Tell me. Who do you work for? DRIVER Can I please have a cyanide first? SEAN CONNERY Cigarette! Sorry! I’m such a marble-mouth. The driver eats a CYANIDE PILL hidden in his CIGARETTES and INSTANTLY DIES. SEAN CONNERY SEAN goes to talk to the OLD BRITISH GUYS who last saw the AGENT alive.

OLD GUY Well, he was a right-good card player and his secretary had a great ass. That’s about all we know about the old boy. SEAN CONNERY Great ash, you shay? Pity. OLD GUY Oh, and he also fished with some random local yokel now and then. SEAN CONNERY Naturally this ish the clue I musht follow. He walks out of the office to find the SECRETARY, ZENA MARSHALL, has been listening in. SEAN CONNERY That’sh shushpishoush ash fuck. But more importantly, I’d like to make shex with you. ZENA MARSHALL Come to my place sometime. Please, don’t bring any weaponry or tell anyone you’re coming. SEAN CONNERY SEAN goes and finds charter fisherman JOHN KITSMILLER. SEAN CONNERY Greetingsh, friend. Care to tell me who killed that shecret agent you used to fish with? JOHN KITSMILLER I ain’t got no idea who you talking about. Now if you’ll excuse me.

SEAN CONNERY (follows him like a suspicious-ass creeper) JOHN KITSMILLER Alright, awkward fight scene it is. They play TWISTER for a bit until JACK LORD shows up. JACK LORD Alright, enough of that now, you’re all embarrassing yourselves. I’m Felix Leiter, your CIA contact. John’s my bud. I probably should have mentioned this earlier before you two tried to kill each other. SEAN CONNERY A phone call might have been prudent, yesh. What ya got for me? JACK LORD Well, me and John here have been investigating radio signals in the area. Someone’s been fucking with American rocket signals, we’ve got to figure out why. SEAN CONNERY Hmm, where have you inveshtigated? JOHN KITSMILLER Oh, just about everywhere. We went and checked Beauty Bay, Gorgeous Falls, the Straight of Blowjobs, Happytown. Just about everywhere, except for Cape Murder that is. SEAN CONNERY Wait a shecond. Cape Murder? What goesh on there? JOHN KITSMILLER Oh, we don’t go nowhere near that place. It’s cursed! SEAN CONNERY I shee.

So you shtopped your inveshtigation in the one place that actually needed inveshtigating? JACK LORD Pretty much, yeah. The CIA has a firm policy in place: always respect local superstitions. SEAN CONNERY ANTHONY DAWSON Bye. As soon as SEAN leaves, ANTHONY immediately boats over to CAPE MURDER to have a meeting with his EVIL BOSS’S DISEMBODIED VOICE. EVIL VOICE You have displeased me. I asked you to kill Sean when he got off the plane, instead you told him about rock checking. ANTHONY DAWSON My deepest apologies, oh master. EVIL VOICE You must kill Sean. Do so. ANTHONY DAWSON Yes, master. Killing a British federal agent will no doubt alleviate any suspicions about our activities here. I’ll just go get a sniper rifle and- EVIL VOICE No. Use this tarantula. ANTHONY DAWSON Uh, not to question your wisdom, oh master, but there has never been one recorded death from a tarantula bite in all of human history. EVIL VOICE Ugh, it’s a magic tarantula, alright?

It can kill instantly with one bite. Oh, it’s also, uh, trained or something, so it’ll attack a human many hundreds of times larger than itself instead of any random mice or floor bugs it might find in Sean’s house. ANTHONY DAWSON A flawless plan, my lord. But, um, are you sure you don’t want to give me a bomb or- EVIL VOICE Begone! That night, ANTHONY sneaks over to SEAN’s place and slips the TARANTULA into his room. SEAN CONNERY Fucking DT’s. Ugh, where’sh my flashk? OH SHIT! The TARANTULA has crawled up his STUNT DOUBLE’S ARM! SEAN CONNERY (pause) SHOE ATTACK! Using his amazing SPY POWERS, SEAN freaks the FUCK OUT and smashes the TARANTULA with a SHOE. SEAN CONNERY Another fiendish death trap avoided! INT.

ZENA'S PLACE The next day, SEAN goes to ZENA’s place and almost gets ASSASSINATED AGAIN on the WAY but it turns out the ASSASSINS are CRAPPY DRIVERS and they fall off a CLIFF so he gets AWAY FINE. ZENA MARSHALL Holy shit you’re still alive! SEAN CONNERY Shuprised? ZENA MARSHALL Surprised no why would I be surprised there’s nothing surprising about the fact that you showed up to my place after I invited you to my place and you almost got killed on the way but you apparently didn’t so it’s all good wanna bang let’s bang. SEAN CONNERY “Fucking” ish my middle name, after all. They bang for a bit. SEAN CONNERY Well, thish hash been lovely, but I think it’sh time I did my job. (summons a car full of agents to take ZENA away) It’sh been fun, dear. Shee you never. ZENA MARSHALL (is tossed in the trash like a used tissue) SEAN CONNERY Another problem sholved.

SEAN arranges some PILLOWS under the COVERS so they look like HIM SLEEPING. He waits for a bit, until ANTHONY shows up. ANTHONY DAWSON Fuck it, I don’t care what Evil Voice says, I’m just shooting the bastard. (sees bed) Pfft, what an obvious ruse. Those are clearly pillows and – (checks calendar) Oh wait, it’s 1962. This trope isn’t played to hell yet. Oh well. (empties his entire magazine into the pillows) SEAN CONNERY Not sho fasht, Anthony. Drop your empty gun and keep your handsh where I can shee them. I knew you were a bad guy when I found out the rocksh you were checking were radioactive but you weren’t telling anyone. Now, who are you working for? ANTHONY DAWSON Well, you might as well know, since you’ll be dead soon. I’m working for- (tries to shoot SEAN, but his gun is empty) Haha, oh my, what a silly joke I just made!

No, seriously, I’m working for- (tries to light SEAN on fire, but his matches are wet) Oh my, what a silly prank! But anyway, my boss’s name is- (tries to drop a piano on SEAN, but he only has a ukulele) Well, this is awkward. I suppose I better tell you, my boss’s name is- SEAN CONNERY (pops him) On the one hand, he probably had valuable intel. On the other hand, brutally killing people givesh me a hard-on. INT. BOAT SEAN and JOHN go on a late night BOAT EXPEDITION towards Cape Murder. JOHN KITSMILLER I got a baaaad feeling about this, Sean. Scuttlebutt is there’s some kinda dragon round this area. And black sidekicks ain’t got a great life expectancy as it is. SEAN CONNERY I’m sure you’ll be fine. They camp out for the night. In the morning, SEAN awakens to find a BIKINI-CLAD URSULA ANDRESS emerging from the water.

MEN IN 1962 (jizz so hard bone marrow comes out) SEAN CONNERY Very nishe indeed. How much? URSULA ANDRESS Wha- I’m a shell-diver, asshole. SEAN CONNERY Sho why are you wearing a proshtitute’sh underwear? URSULA ANDRESS It’s called a bikini, you Wookie motherfucker. In the next fifty years, fashion designers will be engaged in an arms race to make this thing out of as little material as possible. SEAN CONNERY Well, we shimply musht bang at some point. URSULA ANDRESS That’s fair. But first, BOAT! Sure enough, a PATROL BOAT comes along. The gang HIDES! BOAT GUARD Alright, come on out, or we’ll fire randomly into the beach and forest! (pause) Fuck that beach up! They shoot at some SAND for a while, then GIVE UP and leave. The TRIO camp out until the night when a FLAMETHROWING TANK APPEARS, with some GOOFY FAKE TEETH painted on. SEAN CONNERY Wha? That’sh your dragon?

That fucking thing couldn’t fool Shcooby-Doo if he were tripping on shroomsh. The TANK THING starts approaching JOHN at the speed of a DRUGGED TORTOISE driving a GOLF CART in a SCHOOL ZONE. JOHN KITSMILLER After a few more hours, JOHN finally burns to DEATH! SEAN CONNERY SEAN and URSULA are CAPTURED! INT. EVIL LAIR SEAN and URSULA are given fancy new CLOTHES and are shoved into a DINING ROOM. SEAN CONNERY Well thish ish completely ridiculoush. Why on earth would the bad guy feed ush before he killsh ush? JOSEPH WISEMAN You shall be receiving many fine meals from psychopaths through the years, Mr. Connery. Let’s try to make your first Dinner with the Bad Guy memorable. Please, sit. SEAN CONNERY And who are you shupposhed to be? JOSEPH WISEMAN Dr. No, at your service. I was the child of a German missionary and a Chinese girl, I worked for the Chinese mafia for years before- URSULA ANDRESS What’s so funny?

URSULA ANDRESS Sorry, I’m getting serious Doctor Evil flashbacks right now. This movie’s impossible to take seriously after you’ve seen Austin Powers. JOSEPH WISEMAN That’s it, no more lines for you. URSULA ANDRESS (gets tied to some train tracks somewhere) JOSEPH WISEMAN Now we can talk in peace. SEAN CONNERY Yesh, for inshtance, you can tell me what the hell your endgame is here, you weird scarecrow in yellowface you. JOSEPH WISEMAN Well it’s quite simple. I’ve been fucking with American rockets because reasons. I also study radiation, which cost me the hands that I’ve since replaced with these Zoidberg pinchers, because lab safety is for pussies. These skills have made me uniquely valuable to the organization known as SPECTRE. SEAN CONNERY ShPECTRE? JOSEPH WISEMEN Yes, it’s a much spookier name than that SMERSH organization from the book. SPECTRE is the world’s greatest criminal organization. It controls all the world’s crime, and will someday pay Dave Bautista to punch you. Now, return to your cell.

Do not try to escape. Especially not through the man-sized vent. INT. CELL SEAN mopes in his CELL. SEAN CONNERY Well, I shupposhe I could eshcape through that vent up there. But that’sh ridiculoush, there’sh no way I could poshibly- (checks calendar) Right. It’sh old timesh right now. Yet another trope unshpoiled by hack writing. SEAN crawls through the VENT, which suddenly becomes very HOT! SEAN CONNERY Wait, why the hell ish this air vent getting extremely hot right now? That makesh no- (suddenly blasted by water) Okay, that’sh even shillier, unlesh the water wash shupposhed to drown me in my- (suddenly covered in bees) Well thish ish a very ridiculoush vent, I musht shay. There’sh no reashon for- (suddenly chased by coyotes) Thish ish jusht fucking bizarre. I’m not even shurprished anymore. Oh look, an exit. SEAN knocks out the first GUARD he sees and takes his COSTUME.

SEAN CONNERY And now for my epic climaxsh! (pause) SEAN runs around the base, FUCKING WITH LEVERS AND KNOBS AND SHIT. JOSEPH WISEMAN The BASE suddenly decides to EXPLODE eventually! JOSEPH WISEMAN That’s it, I’m coming down there! JOSEPH attacks SEAN by waving his ROBOT CLAW HANDS at him! They tumble onto some… PLATFORM THING that’s about to descend into some… RANDOMLY BOILING WATER! SEAN CONNERY And now for my trademark wit! Uhhh… boil… water… nice to… uhhhh… SUCK IT, TREBEK! JOSEPH boils to death! SEAN runs around the base like a DRUNK IDIOT until he finds URSULA and they ESCAPE! URSULA ANDRESS What a thrilling and original first adventure for James Bond! SEAN CONNERY Yesh.

Now we jusht have to do the shame fucking thing a few dozen times and then get really ironic and gloomy and posht-modern about it all becaushe who wantsh a fun shpy adventure when you can have grim, “realishtic” moviesh that examine the conshequencesh of Bond’sh actionsh. URSULA ANDRESS And I’m sure you and I will be having many grand adventures together. SEAN CONNERY Let’sh jusht shtick to boat shex for now, babe. They BOAT FUCK. END. This script was made possible thanks to the support of Patrons like Karen. If you'd like to support the site, please check out our Patreon page where pledging can earn you access to an ad-free version of the site, early access to scripts, exclusive scripts, and other cool shit. Written by

Question: What was the Bond film in which a tarantula crawled over him while he lay in bed
Answer: Dr. No