Private Eye (Magazine) - TV Tropes Private Eye You need to login to do this. Get Known if you don't have an account Share The very first edition, layout and cartooning by Willie Rushton . "The best comedy is when you attack the strong, not the weak." —Ian Hislop, editor. A British fortnightly magazine of current affairs and satirical humour, running since 1961. Founders included its first editor Richard Ingrams, and comedians Peter Cook and Willie Rushton , who had all been contemporaries at Shrewsbury School and later at Oxbridge . It does a lot of investigative journalism and has been sued for libel a considerable number of times (it usually loses, and would have been bankrupted by the damages if not for donations from supporters and subscribers). Its editor, Ian Hislop (a team captain on Have I Got News for You ), even held the record for 'Most Sued Man in England' for a time. For many years it was verging on a point of pride how long it had been since they won a case.

The first time Ian Hislop won a libel suit, the following issue was filled in celebratory manner with yet more libelous material, just because they knew they'd get away with it. note For those reading from outside the UK, it's important to point out that under English law it is possible for something to be both perfectly true and libelous, as it is up to the defendant to prove the truth of what he/she has said, and even then truth is not considered an absolute defense against libel. In the United States, the person bringing the suit has to prove that what was said is false, at least when the defendant is a newspaper or other media outlet (the standard for when the defendant is an individual varies from state to state , but the law of defamation as applied to the media is largely controlled by the Free Press Clause of the First Amendment to the federal Constitution and is thus consistent across states). Also, American law does consider the truth to be an absolute defense; moreover, in the United States, statements of opinion are also protected, and the definition of "opinion" is quite broad—even factually false statements can be "opinion" in the right context.

The flip side of this is that getting an injunction to prevent something being published in the first place is rather harder in Britain - otherwise known as Publish and be damned. Or at least, it was, before the current fad for "super injunctions", where the target is not even allowed to say they have had an injunction put upon them, let alone talk about the original subject... Regular Cartoons and Ongoing Parodies "The Broonites", (defunct) which featured the Brown camp of the now former Labour government and who all spoke in exaggerated Scottish accents- even the English ones. This was done in the style of The Broons , a cartoon strip from The Sunday Post . Contains an apparently deliberate example for comic effect of Just Plane Wrong . In the 1205 strip, Gordon Brown is put on a plane to Afghanistan to solve the government's popularity problems. The plane- an English Electric Lightning, long gone from RAF service. This is possibly a bizarre example of the cartoonist having Shown Their Work .

You see, the original cartoonist on The Broons- (Dudley D Watkins) spent the whole of World War Two drawing anything military in the same style as his earlier adventure comics: That is, straight out of World War One. The Robber Baron cycle, a fictional series of operas detailing the life and crimes of Silvio, the Robber Baron, based on Silvio Berlusconi of Italy. Radio Times: Classic Opera Buffooni, which opens with the Robber Baron Silvio cavorting in the Palazzo Fornicazione with a chorus of scantily clad nymphs who sing the chorus 'Money, Money, Money — We've come here for the Money'. Prime Ministerial parodies: Reporting on governmental affairs in the style of something else. These generally take the form of either a personal diary/correspondence (particularly by the PM's spouse) or an internal missive at a fictional institution designed to parody the PM's style or policies. "The New Coalition Academy" - in the style of a posh school's newsletter for David Cameron 's Tory-Lib Dem coalition. Cameron is the headmaster, while Nick Clegg is his deputy.

Inspired by the Academies that were part of the Coalition's education policy . Following the 2015 General Election and Nick Clegg's departure from the Government, became the "Cameron Free School", with the Lib Dem bird poorly cut out of the previous logo (which combined it with the Conservative tree). This basic style was continued when Theresa May replaced David Cameron as Prime Minister in 2016, but renamed "St. Theresa's Independent State Grammar School for Girls (and Boys)", due to her policies of reintroducing grammar schools, with a logo of a badge taped together featuring a pair of leopard-print kitten heels. "Prime Ministerial Decrees"- Gordon Brown as a Stalin-style leader. Inspired by a comment by one of Brown's underlings that he had "Stalinist" tendencies in his leadership. It was also an excuse for the magazine to comment on the lack of an election as Prime Minster, either by his party or the United Kingdom. "St. Albion's Parish News" - Tony Blair as a rural vicar of the sanctimonious yet "trendy" type (became a TV series as A Sermon from St Albion's).

Inspired by Blair's slickness and known religiosity. "The Secret Diary of John Major (aged 47¾)" - written in Adrian Mole style. "Dear Bill" - Margaret Thatcher 's husband Denis writes to Bill Deedes, editor of the Daily Telegraph. Capitalised on Sir Denis' perceived alcoholism and actual friendship with Deedes. "Heathco. Newsletter" - Edward Heath as MD of a failing business (a grocery, apparently, which was used to poke fun at then-Science and Education Secretary and grocer's daughter Maggie Thatcher). Its symbol was a yacht, because Heath was famously fond of sailing. "Mrs. Wilson's Diary" - Harold Wilson 's wife writes in the style of BBC radio show Mrs. Dale's Diary. Inspired by the working-class image Wilson liked to put on, despite the very middle-class reality of his background. "Dave Snooty and his New Pals"- David Cameron in the style of The Beano strip Lord Snooty. Boris Johnson features quite a bit (crossing over from the earlier Beano parody Boris The Menace ).

"The Adventures of Mr Millibean"- Replacing The Broon-ites, Ed Miliband and the Labour Shadow Cabinet in the style of the Mr. Bean cartoon spinoff. Itself replaced by Andy Capp -in-Ring, about Andy Burnham's bid for Labour leadership, then by a text piece which was simply "Jeremy Corbyn Writes" (after a brief experiment with a strip portraying Corbyn as Obi-Wan Kenobi ). "From the Message Boards". Parody of online political venues and comments threads, populated by assorted rabid fascists , Single Issue Wonks , bloodthirsty vigilantes and unclassifiable nutters . Notable commenters are "Bogbrush" and "Sword of Truth." Alleged to have been inspired by The BBC 's "Have Your Say" discussion boards. Often suffers from being saner than the real thing . Spiggy Topes and the Turds. A fictional band from The British Invasion , who are a very transparent parody of the The Beatles "Celeb", made into a brief TV series, it involves a fading pop-star Gary Bloke and his wife, daughters ( Rosedrop Bunnypetal and Pixie Frou-frou ) and son Troy.

"Supermodels" - Parodies the current events in the fashion industry, all the models in this comic are drawn as a thin line for the body. "It's Grim Up North London" - features a group of artsy-pretentious friends of the new age liberal type. Replaced a long-running strip The Gays that was drawing complaints over perceived homophobia. Readers of IGUNL suspect this strip is still "The Gays" with a slant on affluent arty Islington pretentiousness. "Apparently" "Scene And Heard", a regular cartoon journalism feature which depicts and quotes random members of the public attending some political or cultural event. Initially attracted some bemusement from readers who couldn't understand the idea of a non-gag cartoon. "Pseuds Corner", a column which highlights particularly pompous and pretentious quotes from that week's media. "Commentatorballs", which records ridiculous, accidentally suggestive, or just plain stupid quotes from the broadcast (and usually sports) media, usually caused by the low brain-to-mouth delay of spontaneous sports commentary. Originally named "Colemanballs" after the notoriously gaffe-prone sports commentator David Coleman, renamed after his death.

A typical Colemanball, spoken by Alan Minter: "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." Extends to other fields when the material is abundant, such as "Warballs" regarding the War On Terror , and "50 Shades of Balls" for overuse of 50ShadesOfGrey references. "The Book of (Insert Israeli leader name here)", which presents contemporary Middle Eastern events in the style of the King James Bible, and usually ends in "and so it was back to the square which is called one". "Yobs" or "Yobbettes" when the story features females. A Strip which features (un)working class people behaving yobbishly . Young British Artists: a satire on the works and attitudes of modern British artists. Typically featuring Damien Hirst , Tracey Emin and Carl Freedman . Craig Brown's Diary: Spoof diary of politician or celebrity, usually based on the assumption that their private life is exactly like their public life (So Prince Charles spends all his time worrying about architecture, Barack Obama can only talk in inspirational speeches, and so on). Made into a Radio 4 series as The Lost Diaries.

E.J Thribb: A 17 1/2 year old crap poet. His poems are always "In Memoriam", always begin with "So, farewell then..." and are often bizarre and amusing. Sometimes his name is adapted into an Incredibly Lame Pun : after Ariel Sharon had a stroke, he signed off "E.J Thribbutz". Gnome: a spoof editorial by the fictional proprieter Lord Gnome or his lackey E. Strobes. (Lord Gnome appeared in the 1993 TV special The Bore of the Year Awards, played by the Eye's real-life contributor and majority shareholder Peter Cook .) Also, "The Curse of Gnome", where they point out that people who've won libel cases against them generally come to a bad end. Glenda Slagg: Spoof tabloid woman's columnist, whose articles are full of condemnation/praise for whoever the gossip magazines are talking about, usually switching from one to the other within a single column. Catchphrases "Aintchasickofim" and "Dontchaloveim".

Mary Ann Bighead: A particularly vicious send-up of Mary Ann Sieghart, a female lifestyle/politics/culture columnist who the magazine perceives to be arrogant. Frequent references to the spectacular achievements of her children, who are normally named "Brainella" or some other such variant, and the stupidity of politicians, her childrens' teachers and the reader. Polly Filler: Spoof broadsheet woman's columnist, whose articles are about how difficult it is being an upper-middle class young mother, because you have to spend all day telling the au pair to do things. Also uses her column to plug the collected edition of her columns, the novel based on her columns and, most recently, the film based on the novel based on her columns. "The Useless Simon", her husband, who she presents as lazy and loutish but who is actually implied to be a better (or at least, as good a) person than she is. Steel " - the pseudonym of...Seumas Milne). A Taxi-Driver Writes: Straw Conservative . String 'em up, it's the only language they understand. Often found right across from Dave Spart, agreeing with him for entirely different reasons.

The Eye's Controversial New Columnist: An angry baby, who gives the important baby's eye view of current events (usually that the people involved are acting like, well, babies). Dame Sylvie Krin: a saccharine-impregnated royal correspondent and author of fawning biographies and bad fiction about the royal family and other celebrities. Her "stories" usually feature a Purple Prose -esque, fawning and overly romantic description of celebrities going about their business exactly as they do in real life: A story about Prince Charles: "Is mater abdicating?", thought Charles, displaying his renowned sensitivity. A story about Rupert Murdoch: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE WOMBAT'S DONG?," said Rupert sagely. Her name is also an Incredibly Lame Pun , on the shampoo brand Silvikrin. Phil Space (and Distaff Counterpart Philippa Space): A generic Punny Name for any columnist, especially those writing an unimportant or redundant story. Occasionally readers across the world will find real examples of journalists called something similar and send them in.

Fond of the Unusual Euphemism and obscure nickname, sometimes for legal reasons, to the point that it can become unreadable to those not in the know . Most of these are derived from very obscure old political scandals. Obscure Eye Terms Pretty much every British newspaper has a well-known nickname that was given to them by the Eye. A lot of politicians and celebrities have also been given nicknames, usually derisive. Nicknames Baillie Vass = former Prime Minister Alec Douglas-Home (after the Aberdeen Evening Expressnote Not The Scotsman , as commonly reported mixed up the captions for a photo of him with a photo of the titular castle) It's all right not to have heard of him- he was only in office a year. They revived the joke when Douglas-Home's nephew Charles became Editor of The Times in 1982, calling him "Charles Vass", and probably expected to continue with that joke for many years (after all, most of his predecessors had lasted at least a decade); however, Charles died young in 1985.

In fact, this nickname has gotten prevalent enough that The Other Wiki automatically redirects you to Douglas-Home's page if you type in Baillie Vass in the search bar. Tony Blair was "The Dear Leader" (the title used by Kim Jong-il of North Korea) due to accusations of a messiah complex. Although in his later years he was referred to as "the Vicar" due to a perceived similarity to trendy clergymen. He passed on the "Dear Leader" title to Gordon Brown. The Daily Express is the "Daily Sexpress", due to its obsession with how EVIL! AND DISGUSTING! AND SICK! AND FOUL! this SICK FILTH is ( Full story and PICS page 94 . The Daily Mail is occasionally referred to as the Daily Dacre (after its editor), the Daily Fail, or the Daily Hitler. The Evening Standard is called "The Evening Boris" for its support of the current Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

The Daily Telegraph is sometimes referred to as "The Daily Hellograph", due to its perceived shift downmarket into celebrity fluff (Hello being a notoriously vapid British celebrity-gossip mag.) CDC is referred to as "seedy C" Wendi Deng is referred to as Wendi Dung. Robert Maxwell was nicknamed "Cap'n Bob". This fell out of use when the magazine discovered the even better nickname (originally coined by Harold Wilson , no less) of "the bouncing Czech." Nowadays, he is almost never referred to without some mention of his criminal activity during his lifetime. This is because he sued Private Eye in libel for exposing it, won, and took £220,000 off them. His death and the subsequent revelations mean that the magazine is Vindicated by History and free to call the criminal Robert Maxwell, a thief and a criminal, a thieving criminal . Mary Ann Sieghart is often called Mary Ann Bighead, due to a perceived use of her columns to boast about her lifestyle. Max Hastings is always referred to as Hitler Hastings due to his obsession with the war.

Either that or "The World's Worst Columnist." Former Telegraph editor William Rees-Mogg is often called "Mystic Mogg" because of his tendency to make awfully bad predictions about the outcomes of elections. (Mitt Romney was to be President in 2008, Gordon Brown was to win the UK election in 2010, and Rick Santorum was his prediction for the US 2012 election.) Ancient former Telegraph editor Bill Deedes is referred to as Bill Deedesh, mocking both his (very) advanced age and his fondness for the amber flow. A Running Gag on their part is that, whenever the magazine draws a historical parallel to modern events, the ancient newspaper (for instance, the Bethlehem Times) will be edited by Deedesh. Piers Morgan is "Piers Moron", sometimes phrased as "Piers 'Morgan' Moron" as though Moron is his real name and Morgan the nickname. Rupert Murdoch is "The Dirty Digger" (Digger = Australian) and Richard Desmond is "Dirty Des", both referencing their more unsavoury connections.

Notoriously terrible PFInote Private Finance Initiative, a scheme launched by Labour under Tony Blair by which some government functions such as building schools were outsourced to private companies company Capita are inevitably referred to as "Crapita". Richard Branson is referred to as Beardie. The Department for Environment, Food, and Rural Affairs, (DEFRA) is referred to as "Department for the Elimination of Farming and Rural Affairs". Its acronym is sometimes modified to DEFRO. Margaret Beckett is referred to as Rosa Klebb for her disastrous tenure at the above and her complete lack of interest in the environment, food, or rural affairs. The late Sir James Goldsmith, a frequent and vindictive litigant, was usually "Sir Jammy Fishpaste" and other similar names, such as "St. Jammy Fishfingers". The magazine considers some aspect of his activities to be objectionable. Similarly, his appearances sometimes end with him having to go and phone "John in Kenya", a reference to John Bingham, 7th Earl of Lucan (AKA Lord Lucan), who the Eye semi-seriously accused him of helping escape there after he killed his children's nanny.

Prime Minister Harold Wilson was always named as "Wislon". The Financial Services Authority is invariably referred to as "The Fundamentally Supine Authority" in reference to its reluctance to act and its seemingly close relationship with the industry it is supposed to regulate, often contrasting its performance with the swift and draconian methods of its United States counterparts. The Maily Telegraph" is a composite of The Daily Telegraph and The Daily Mail. Similarly, "The Stun" is a generic red top tabloid newspaper, like "The Sun" and "The Daily Star". HM The Queen is referred to as Brenda. Prince Charles is Brian. The Department for Transport (DfT) is usually referred as "DafT". The Department of Trade and Industry was often the "Department of Timidity and Inaction". Brighton is referred to as Skid Row -on-sea. Transportation company FirstGroupnote They operate a lot of fairly barebones intercity bus services around the world—including Greyhound—as well as operating some train and tram services in Britain under contract is referred to as "Worst Group".

There are also features on the hypocrisy of the Fleet Street press ("Street of Shame") and a great section called "Rotten Boroughs" on local council misbehaviour, along with annual awards — such as for Tory bigots. Despite editorial's distrust of the internet (believing the main message you should get from their website is "Buy the magazine" - Street of Shame having reported on the collapsing fortunes of far too many newspapers whose websites mean you don't need to buy the paper), there is a podcast , Page 94 , which reveals behind-the-scenes stuff about how the journalists research their stories and where the jokewriters get their ideas. This work provides examples of: The Eye itself sometimes receives them, typically from fans who threaten to cancel their subscription due to Dude, Not Funny! or They Changed It, Now It Sucks . Transatlantic Equivalent : The second half of the Eye is similar to America's The Onion in content. Trend Covers : The recent "Bookalikes" column is about this.

Unusual Euphemism : Has added several to the language, mostly deriving from weedy excuses or alibis given by politicians embroiled in scandals: "Discussing Uganda" / "Ugandan discussions" = having sex "Tired and emotional" = drunk "Exotic cheroot" = cannabis The Vicar : Tony Blair was presented as one in the 'Vicar of St Albion's' parody, inspired by a comparison that had been made by many in the media who had compared his style when making speeches to that of a trendy Anglican vicar giving a sermon. ( Hilarious in Hindsight , now that Blair is a Catholic.) Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe : In the "Book of (Insert Current Israeli Leader Here)" segments and sometimes some of the Retraux newspaper segments which compare current events to historical ones. (That's enough Tropes. Ed) However, the truly unparalleled touch of genius about Private Eye is widely thought to be its famous (cont. p.94). :: Indexes :: The Trouble with Andrew | Vanity Fair The Trouble with Andrew Royals The Trouble with Andrew In the royal-wedding afterglow, Buckingham Palace still has a major P.R.

problem: how to handle Prince Andrew, Britain’s trade ambassador and fourth in line to the throne. The prince’s dissolute lifestyle, links to unsavory foreign potentates, and friendship with the American registered sex offender Jeffrey Epstein are undercutting the Queen’s efforts to rehabilitate the monarchy. And while many blame Andrew’s problems on his perennially broke ex-wife, Sarah Ferguson, Edward Klein discovers some insiders pointing to another woman—his mother herself. by Twitter HEIR AND A SPARE Prince Andrew and Prince Charles arrive in a carriage at the Royal Ascot horse race, 2006. By David Hartley/Rex USA. On a snowy Friday afternoon last February, Ed Perkins received an urgent phone call in his ground-floor office at Buckingham Palace. Perkins has the thankless task of serving as press secretary to the Queen’s wayward second son, His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Duke of York. The female voice on the other end of the phone line belonged to Sian James, an assistant editor at The Mail on Sunday, a tabloid that’s been unsparing in its coverage of Andrew’s dissolute private life and dodgy friends.

“We’re planning to publish a story about the Duke of York,” James told Perkins, “and we’d like a comment from the Palace.” Perkins listened in stunned silence as James unfolded a shocking tale. Her newspaper had obtained an interview with a young woman named Virginia Roberts, who claimed that the billionaire American money manager Jeffrey Epstein had trained her as an under-age prostitute and flown her to London in 2001, when she was just 17 years old, for the express purpose of spending time with Prince Andrew. Virginia, now a mother of three living in Australia, had waited a decade to break her silence, but the newspaper had evidence to support her story—flight logs from Epstein’s Boeing 727 and Gulfstream jet, and a photo showing Prince Andrew with his arm around Virginia’s bare midriff. Standing off to one side in the photo was Ghislaine Maxwell, 49, the stylish and well-connected daughter of the late, disgraced British newspaper tycoon Robert Maxwell. According to Virginia, Ghislaine recruited her as Epstein’s “sex slave” when she was 15 years old and arranged for her to see Andrew three times, in London and New York and on Epstein’s private Caribbean island, Little Saint James.

She said she’d been “sexually exploited by Epstein’s adult male peers, including royalty.” (Prince Andrew denied that he had had sexual contact with Roberts or any other of Epstein’s girls. Ghislaine Maxwell also denies the allegations and says that she plans to take legal action against a number of British newspapers.) “Would you put all that in an e-mail, please?” said the unflappable Perkins. “It might take a few hours to get back to you.” George Wayne Q&A: Sarah Ferguson (May 2000) Marrying Prince Andrew (Sue Arnold, June 1986) Later, Andrew moved into Royal Lodge, the late Queen Mother’s residence in Windsor Great Park, where he continued to live with his former wife and their daughters, Princess Beatrice, 22, and Princess Eugenie, 21. However, this has not put a crimp into Andrew’s sybaritic style. He’s been rumored to be romantically linked to more than a dozen women, including the American actress Angie Everhart and Amanda Staveley, a successful private-equity specialist to whom he proposed marriage. The sordid connection to Jeffrey Epstein inflicted by far the greatest damage on the prince’s reputation.

According to a sworn deposition by Juan Alessi, a former employee at Epstein’s Palm Beach estate, Andrew attended naked pool parties and was treated to massages by a harem of adolescent girls. At least three of the girls were questioned under oath about whether Andrew had had sexual contact with any of the masseuses. One of them, Sarah Kellen, refused to answer, citing her Fifth Amendment right to remain silent. Another, Adriana Ross, was asked, “Has Prince Andrew ever been involved with underage minor females to your knowledge?” She reportedly replied, “I refuse to answer.” (Prince Andrew says he neither attended nor was aware of any naked pool parties.) Inside the Firm The plight of Prince Andrew, a once strikingly handsome man who has let himself go a bit to seed, made far less of an impression on audiences around the world than the royal wedding of the picture-perfect William and Kate, the future King and Queen of the United Kingdom. And yet, the story of how Andrew has managed to get away with such cringe-worthy behavior—and survive in his high-profile role as Britain’s trade ambassador—said more about the inner workings of the British monarchy than the estimated $40 million wedding extravaganza.

The story goes back to 1992, which Queen Elizabeth II called the annus horribilis, the year the marriages of Charles and Andrew broke down, Windsor Castle caught fire, and Fergie was photographed having her toes sucked. Ever since, the Queen has been at pains to ensure the survival of the monarchy in its current form. With that in mind, the then lord chamberlain, Lord Airlie, established a secretive discussion procedure called the Way Ahead Group, which is chaired by the Queen and consists of senior courtiers and senior working royals. (The working royals reportedly include the Queen and Prince Philip, Prince Charles, Princess Anne, Prince Andrew, Prince Edward, Prince William, and Prince Harry .) The Way Ahead Group convenes twice a year, doesn’t keep minutes of its meetings, and deals only with such paramount issues as primogeniture, the feudal rule by which the Crown passes to the eldest male heir. After its initial meeting in 1992, the group made several precedent-shattering decisions. The Queen and Prince Charles volunteered to pay taxes on the private income from their vast estates.

The Queen agreed to reimburse the government for its annual Civil List grants—totaling almost $2.5 million—to five of her closest living relatives at the time: the Princess Royal (Anne), the Duke of York (Andrew), the Earl of Wessex (Edward), Princess Margaret, and Princess Alice, the Queen’s last surviving aunt. (Currently only the Queen and Prince Philip receive money from the Civil List.) Buckingham Palace was opened to visitors in order to raise money for $65.6 million in repairs to Windsor Castle. And the royal yacht Britannia, with its 19 officers and crew of 217, was later decommissioned and turned into a tourist attraction. However, the Queen’s plans to rehabilitate the monarchy were upended by a series of events. The royal family was mortified when Major James Hewitt, a prominent polo player, spilled the beans about his long-running affair with Princess Diana.

Even worse, Charles was heard in an intercepted cell-phone call telling his mistress, Camilla Parker Bowles, that he’d like to “live inside your trousers.” The Queen herself bungled things when she was slow to acknowledge the public grief over Princess Diana’s death—an attitude she reversed in order to appear as a more caring, in-touch monarch. As for Prince Andrew, his procession of girlfriends, starting with Koo Stark, who had appeared as an actress in a soft-porn film, further stained the family’s image. Only recently, one of his former girlfriends reportedly claimed that when she was alone with Andrew in the bedroom he liked to model her underwear as a joke. As for the Queen’s irascible consort, Prince Philip, who turned 90 in June, he hasn’t done much to help his wife clear the way ahead. Philip’s almost irrational loathing of Sarah Ferguson led the Queen, who normally shows shrewder judgment, to cast Fergie out of the royal orbit without a penny after her divorce from Andrew, which guaranteed that Fergie would turn into a high-profile beggar and an embarrassment to the throne.

What’s more, Philip tried to bully Andrew into kicking Fergie out of her residence at Royal Lodge—a demand that placed Andrew in the awkward position of having to choose between his overbearing father and his over-the-top ex-wife. He chose her. (Buckingham Palace would not comment on Prince Philip’s relationship with Andrew or his ex-wife.) Fergie, who was not invited to the royal wedding, fled to Thailand, where, she later told Oprah, “the jungle embraced me.” She added, “I wanted to be there with my girls—to be getting them dressed and to go as a family.” She and Andrew were the last royals to have been married at Westminster Abbey, and Fergie kept in touch by telephone with her ex-husband during the ceremonies for William and Kate. “When Andrew went with the girls,” she recalled, “we were talking all morning, and he was saying, ‘It’s O.K. Just remember, we had such a good day.

Our wedding was so perfect.’ … Because we’re such a unit together, he made me feel very part of the day on April the 29th.” With a profligate former wife and two coming-of-age daughters to support, according to an insider, Andrew has complained that it’s hard to make do on a yearly stipend of $408,000. He also receives hundreds of thousands of dollars a year for travel expenses related to his job. His portrayal of himself as a poor relative helps explain why he and Fergie always seem to be grubbing for money, and why Fergie—with Andrew’s knowledge—recently sold her story to Oprah for a six-part reality series in which Beatrice and Eugenie join their mother in a teary airing of their woes. “My understanding is that Prince Charles was less than happy that Andrew was given the role of trade envoy back in 2001 after he left the navy,” Robert Jobson, author of William & Kate: The Love Story and a royal commentator for NBC News, told me. “When Charles ascends the throne—which he will do despite all the talk to the contrary—he’d like the royal family to be streamlined; he wants a smaller, more cost-effective monarchy.

Andrew has made a tremendous effort to keep Beatrice and Eugenie close to the Queen in order to assure their future as fully paid-up members of the Firm, as the royal family is called. In addition to their status as royal highnesses, Andrew has always wanted them to have around-the-clock security and the rank of working royals. But if Charles has his way, the girls will be thrown off the royal payroll and have to fend for themselves. Many of Andrew’s inexcusable actions—consorting with rich oligarchs in North Africa, the Mideast, and the former Soviet Union, and begging friends to bail out Fergie—have been done with his daughters’ welfare in mind.” (A Palace spokesman wouldn’t comment on Charles’s intentions with respect to the princesses.) Should He Keep His Job? ‘The phone call from Sian James of The Mail on Sunday created a 36-hour maelstrom at Buckingham Palace,” a royal source told me. “At some point during those 36 hours, the Queen summoned the Duke of York to a meeting.” According to several well-informed individuals, the Queen was not amused.

She recognized that the Virginia Roberts story had the potential to overshadow the positive media lavished on the forthcoming wedding of William and Kate. The Queen asked Prince Andrew why he had consorted with someone like Jeffrey Epstein, whom the F.B.I. had reportedly linked to about 40 young women, most of them under-age. More to the point, the Queen demanded to know if her son had any more surprises up his sleeve. “The duke assured his mother that he had no sexual relationship with Virginia Roberts or any of Jeffrey Epstein’s girls,” the source said. “The duke talked to the lawyers on the phone, and, with the approval of the duke and his office, the lawyers drew up a legal document that was meant as a shot across the bow of the press in Britain.” (Buckingham Palace wouldn’t comment on the meeting.) British libel laws are among the most stringent in the world, so when The Mail on Sunday and other newspapers ran the story about Andrew’s rendezvous with Virginia Roberts in Ghislaine Maxwell’s London home, they carried strong disclaimers saying there was no suggestion of any sexual contact between Prince Andrew and Roberts.

That, however, didn’t put an end to the furor in the press and the House of Commons, where it’s highly unusual to hear M.P.’s criticize the royal family. Chris Bryant, the Labour Party’s shadow justice minister, urged Prime Minister David Cameron to “dispense with the services” of the prince. Bryant declared, “It’s just unsustainable that he should remain as the public face of British industry abroad.” At first, the prime minister appeared reluctant to throw Andrew a lifeline. Indeed, a government source was quoted as saying, “No one will shed any tears if he resigns.” When Andrew visited 10 Downing Street, Jon Cunliffe, the prime minister’s senior adviser on Europe and business, reportedly gave him a severe dressing-down. (A Palace spokesman denies this.) But after Buckingham Palace weighed in, the government rallied around Andrew. A spokesman said that Cameron “fully supported” the prince in his job. Several prominent businessmen publicly praised Andrew’s role in promoting British industry. “He is of huge value,” Terry Hill, a chairman of Arup, an engineering-design firm, told me. “He’s knockout attractive to overseas clients.” Most of Andrew’s friends knew better than to get involved in the royal mess.

One who didn’t was Goga Ashkenazi, an exotic, publicity-seeking beauty from Kazakhstan, who is frequently photographed in barely-there couture outfits. Britain’s press has likened Ashkenazi to a James Bond girl, and last summer she threw a lavish party in St. Tropez called “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend.” Invitations went out on a diamond-shaped card signed “Madame Goga.” According to one party-goer, “A lot of rude Russians showed up.” Ashkenazi, who lives in a multi-million-dollar mansion in London’s Holland Park, brokered the sale of Andrew’s Sunninghill Park home to the father of her illegitimate child. Yet, despite her controversial reputation, Goga has made an appearance in the Queen’s box at Ascot and paraded Andrew around as the guest of honor at her lavish 30th-birthday party at Tyringham Hall, the Buckinghamshire country home of real-estate heir Anton Bilton and his wife, Lisa B, a model, singer, and actress.

In an interview with the London Evening Standard, Goga said that after the Jeffrey Epstein story broke Andrew sent her a BlackBerry message asking, “Have you seen the papers?” and saying that he was “very, very upset” about the way he was being portrayed, and “very, very worried” that he would lose his job as Britain’s trade envoy. Blabbing about the private feelings of a member of the royal family is still considered bad form in Britain, and Ashkenazi’s claim to have had a BlackBerry exchange with Andrew was dismissed by Buckingham Palace. But the damage was done. When Andrew showed up at an official event, a reporter who in the past might have been deferential asked him outright if he was “an embarrassment” to the royal family. Andrew didn’t respond, but the answer seemed obvious, especially to his handlers in Buckingham Palace, who spotted more serious trouble ahead. Following Virginia Roberts’s allegations that she had been flown across state lines and international borders to commit the criminal act of prostitution, the F.B.I. set the wheels in motion to reopen its investigation of Jeffrey Epstein. As a result of a controversial plea bargain that Epstein struck with prosecutors in the U.S.

Attorney’s Office in southern Florida, he escaped more serious charges such as statutory rape, which could have sent him to jail for life. Instead, he served only 13 months in prison—most of that time on work furlough. If the F.B.I. decided to file new charges against Epstein, it seemed likely that Prince Andrew would be subpoenaed to testify in the United States. With the prospect of even further humiliation to her and her son, the Queen decided to intervene by employing the most potent instrument at her command: royal symbolism. She summoned Andrew to Windsor Castle and in a private ceremony invested him with the insignia of a Knight Grand Cross of the Royal Victorian Order, the highest possible honor for “personal service” to the Queen. From now on, Prince Andrew will be entitled to use the letters G.C.V.O. after his name and wear a red-white-and-blue sash complete with the order’s star-shaped insignia, made from sterling silver, silver gilt, and enamel. Under the protection of the Queen, Prince Andrew was untouchable.

Spoiled but Loyal Her subjects have a deep reverence for the Queen, who recently turned 85 and in 2012 will celebrate her 60th year on the throne, making her the second-longest-serving British monarch, after Queen Victoria. As things turned out, her symbolic intervention on Andrew’s behalf produced its desired effect. When I arrived in London, two weeks after Andrew’s investiture into the Royal Victorian Order, the British press had fallen all but silent about his murky connections. As for Buckingham Palace, which had been thrown into a state of frenzy by the Virginia Roberts story, it appeared to have regained the customary stiffness in its upper lip. “The duke has a record of being loyal to his friends,” a royal source explained when I asked him about Andrew’s display of poor judgment. “Take his feelings for Sarah Ferguson. If you are a prince and you bring a woman into the royal life and, for whatever reasons, she’s spit out, you might have feelings of debt toward her. The duke feels that she’s been spattered and rejected. His close relationship with the Duchess of York is problematic, and there have been many problems over the last 5 to 10 years, all of which stem from the duchess.

Some of the behavior of the duchess is inconsistent with being married to, or an ex-wife of, the duke. There’s no question but that Sarah’s been a financially self-destructive element in the duke’s life.” A Buckingham Palace spokesman elaborated on this analysis of the prince’s personality. “The same kind of loyalty manifested itself last December, when the duke visited Epstein at his home in New York,” he told me. “Epstein was a friend of the duke’s for the best part of 20 years. It was the first time in four years that he’d seen Epstein. He now recognizes that the meeting in December was unwise.” A royal source added, “Don’t expect to see a photo of the two of them together.” “Does that mean that Andrew has broken off all contact with Epstein?,” I asked. “Hereinafter,” the source said, choosing his words with care, “we won’t see a photo.” That seemed to leave open the possibility that Andrew intended to carry on his friendship with Epstein, but out of public view. “I remember when Andrew and Jeffrey Epstein first became friends,” said someone who knows both men well.

“Jeffrey had Andrew put on a pair of sweatpants for the first time in his life. He had him wear blue jeans for the first time. It was Jeffrey who taught Andrew how to relax. “But the major reason Andrew hung out with Jeffrey was to get money for Sarah Ferguson,” this person continued. “Andrew feels responsible for Sarah. She walked away from their divorce with nothing, unlike Princess Diana, who got millions from Prince Charles. There have been newspaper reports that Sarah got £15,000 [$24,500] from Jeffrey, but I think that Sarah has actually received hundreds of thousands of dollars from him.” (Ferguson’s spokesman confirmed that she had received £15,000 from Epstein but wasn’t aware of any additional amount.) “You have to understand that Andrew still loves Sarah,” the friend went on. “I was with Andrew and Sarah one day when they discussed getting remarried. At the time, Sarah didn’t want to remarry Andrew, because she thought she had a great career in America with Weight Watchers and books and all that. She thought her career would continue to support her expensive lifestyle, and she didn’t want to give all that up to become a boring royal again.

Then, after Sarah’s American career collapsed, it was Andrew who didn’t want to remarry her. He told me, ‘Given Sarah’s weaknesses, she wouldn’t make an appropriate royal anymore.’ Also, for the sake of his daughters, Andrew didn’t want to cause a commotion at Buckingham Palace. “After Jeffrey was convicted, I phoned Andrew and told him, ‘You cannot have a relationship with Jeffrey. You can’t do these things.’ And he said, ‘Stop giving me a hard time. You’re such a puritan.’ From there, our conversation descended into a screaming match, and finally Andrew said, ‘Leave me alone. Jeffrey’s my friend. Being loyal to your friends is a virtue. And I’m going to be loyal to him.’ “Andrew has a stubborn streak. He does stupid things out of hubris, to show that he can do them. If he likes someone, he’ll ignore the truth about that person. And that goes both for Jeffrey and Sarah. He thinks that he can power his way through everything. He’s an adored second son.

His mother, the Queen, dotes on him, favors him above all her other children, and excuses his every foible.” A framed photograph of Andrew in his naval uniform is prominently displayed on the Queen’s desk in her study at Buckingham Palace. Her undisguised affection for her second son stands in sharp contrast to her cool relationship with Prince Charles, with whom she never properly bonded when he was a child. Charles was born just after World War II, when Elizabeth was overwhelmed by her awesome new public responsibilities. She was frequently away on extended foreign trips, and when she was at home she deferred on family matters to her husband, Prince Philip, who was known to belittle their shy, sensitive son cruelly in public. By the time Andrew was born, 12 years later, things were different. The Queen had gained a great deal of self-confidence, and she wanted to make up for the shortcomings in her parenting of Charles. Right after Andrew’s birth, she sent a note to her cousin Lady Mary Cambridge. “The baby is adorable,” she wrote. “All in all, he’s going to be terribly spoilt by all of us, I’m sure.” The spoiling never stopped.

“Whenever she hears that Andrew is in Buckingham Palace, she’ll send him a handwritten note, and he always goes to see her,” a former Palace aide told Geoffrey Levy and Richard Kay of the Daily Mail. “If he’s in jeans, he’ll change into a suit. And he always greets ‘Mummy’ in the same way—bowing from the neck, kissing her hand, and then kissing her on both cheeks. It’s a little ritual that she adores. Believe me, he can do no wrong.” Like many spoiled younger sons, Andrew often comes across as arrogant, self-indulgent, and thoughtless of other people’s feelings. A classmate from his days at Gordonstoun—the school that Philip, Charles, and Andrew all attended—reportedly described the adult Andrew as “a man with a fat bottom who laughs at his own jokes.” At a recent lobster dinner, one of the guests turned to Andrew and said, “Sir, you’ve got the big one.” To which Andrew shot back, “How do you know?” and broke into peals of laughter. The Ladies’ Man His behavior toward women runs the gamut from boorish to oafish.

A woman who attended a weekend party with him at a country house in Dorset recalled his clumsy manners. “I woke up on Saturday morning with a fire extinguisher pointed at my face, behind which was the face of the foolishly laughing prince,” she said. “I told him, ‘Go away!’ It turned out that he had gone to all the girls’ rooms.” Another woman who knows Andrew well told The Times of London that he looks uncomfortable at parties unless he’s got a girl fawning over him. “[He is] pretty base in terms of women,” she said. “He is a boobs-and-bum man. There is nothing sophisticated about it. One minute you’re having your bum pinched, and the next minute he is reminding you he is Your Royal Highness.” Since his divorce, Andrew’s most serious romance has been with Amanda Staveley. Andrew invited her to Buckingham Palace and Balmoral, the royal estate in Scotland. He called her “darling,” and she called him “babe.” “He all but got down on bended knee to ask Amanda to marry him,” Richard Kay, the *Daily Mail’*s veteran royal writer, told me. “He clicked with Amanda.

She’s a feisty girl, a strawberry blonde, and an extrovert. Andrew’s fascinated by money, and Amanda’s got plenty of that. She sounded out a lot of people, including me, about what life would be like as a member of the royal family, and she came as close as possible to saying yes. But to become the Duchess of York she’d have had to put herself in the background and give up her career, and she didn’t want to do that.” There were reports that Fergie encouraged Andrew to marry Staveley. However, given the unconventional nature of Fergie’s relationship with her former husband, there is reason to doubt that. In fact, those who know Fergie wonder if she has sabotaged most of Andrew’s female relationships and would have found a way to scuttle the marriage if Amanda had accepted Andrew’s proposal. According to this line of reasoning, Fergie still exercises a powerful hold over Andrew and counts on her access to his sources of money. “Andrew hired a team of accountants to investigate Fergie’s debts,” said a royal-watcher. “He paid off several million pounds’ worth of her debts at 25 English pence to the pound.

Where did that money come from? Andrew certainly never had that kind of money. No one can prove it, but the assumption is that Fergie’s debts were quietly retired by the Queen.” People who have spent time with Andrew’s daughters, Beatrice and Eugenie, come away impressed by their warmth and unpretentious nature. “At a fashion show, I was sitting with Eugenie,” said Richard Dennen, a style writer for The Sunday Times, “and Charlotte Casiraghi, the daughter of Caroline of Monaco and the granddaughter of Grace Kelly, showed up, dressed in cool French chic. She introduced herself to Eugenie in the most impeccable French: ‘Hello, I am Charlotte.’ And Eugenie replied, ‘Hi, I’m Eug,’ which came out sounding like ‘Hi, I’m Huge.’ It was typical old-squire braying English, completely old school, and it was charming.” But it was Beatrice, not the more extroverted Eugenie, who stood out at the royal wedding with her outré hat.

(Beatrice would later auction the hat on eBay, raising $130,000 for charity.) No one knew whether Fergie had influenced Beatrice in her choice, but everyone agreed that Fergie—who has gone clubbing with Beatrice and Eugenie—exerts a great deal of control over her daughters’ lives. Both girls are said to be in awe of their mother and try to be like her. When Beatrice was 17, she fell in love with a disreputable American by the name of Paolo Liuzzo. He was seven years older than Beatrice, but Andrew and Fergie encouraged the romance and invited Liuzzo to join the family on a vacation at the exclusive Swiss ski resort Verbier. It later turned out that Liuzzo had a rap sheet in America, including a manslaughter charge for taking part in a drunken scuffle that resulted in a man’s death. (Liuzzo eventually pleaded guilty to an assault-and-battery charge and received three years’ probation and 100 hours of community service.) Beatrice was heartbroken when the relationship ended and she had to return to Goldsmiths, which is part of the University of London.

“Beatrice was clearly embarrassed when it was revealed that Fergie took money to introduce an undercover reporter to Prince Andrew,” said someone who has been with the princess at charity balls and nightclubs. “A friend went to Royal Lodge to comfort Beatrice, who wouldn’t leave the house because she was so ashamed and didn’t want to have to deal with the press. The friend spent two nights with her while she cried.” Andrew’s Future Outlook During the weeks leading up to the royal wedding, the impact of Andrew’s problems on the future of the monarchy was the subject of much discussion in London. The festivities coincided with the most sweeping fiscal retrenchment in Britain since World War II, which forced the coalition government to cast a gimlet eye at the hefty bill for the royal family. In an era of record budget deficits, it didn’t help the royals’ case for people to read that Andrew had spent roughly $13 million refurbishing Royal Lodge and that, until recently, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie had 24-hour police protection at a yearly cost to taxpayers of $820,000. Nor are average Britons keen to hear royals whine about being short of money.

The Queen, who is reputed to be among the richest people in the world, with a net worth of about $20 billion, receives $60 million from the government to cover her expenses. Most of her fortune is tied up in priceless art treasures, jewels, and Crown Estates, none of which she can sell. According to Philip Beresford, who follows royal finances for The Sunday Times, the Queen has liquid assets of about $500 million—one-third in shares of blue-chip companies, one-third in revenue-producing properties at Sandringham and Balmoral, and one-third in racehorses and a stamp collection. Last year, the Queen paid the British treasury nearly $328 million in taxes. Plus, she has to come up with money to support all the minor royals staying in Kensington Palace. Prince Charles’s financial situation resembles that of his mother, though on a reduced scale. As the steward of the Duchy of Cornwall, he gets an annual income of $26 million from great tracts of land in the southwest of England. But he can’t sell any of that property for profit. He donates about 60 percent of his income to charity, and another large chunk goes to pay taxes.

Recently, the hard-up British government decommissioned the country’s last operational aircraft carrier, the H.M.S. Ark Royal, leading The Wall Street Journal to proclaim in a front-page headline, SUN SETTING ON BRITISH POWER. It would be premature to say that the same is true for the British monarchy, though it, too, will have to adapt to the stringent economic realities of the 21st century. That doesn’t mean, as some have suggested, that the monarchy is doomed to fade away or that there is a groundswell of support in Britain to replace it with a republic. On the contrary, a recent opinion poll showed that 76 percent of Britons are proud to live under a monarchy. But it does mean that the institution of the monarchy is in a state of flux at a critical moment. Both Elizabeth II and the Duke of Edinburgh are advanced in years and may not be able to carry on their responsibilities much longer. At her 1953 coronation, Elizabeth swore an oath to serve God and her subjects, and she shows no desire to abdicate the throne, now or ever. There are signs, however, that she has begun to retreat from public life.

She has turned over many of her royal duties to Charles, sending him on foreign trips in her stead and allowing him to confer knighthoods. Last Christmas she reportedly invited Prince William to sit in on his first meeting of the Way Ahead Group, preparing him for the day he becomes King. Like his mother, Princess Diana, William has a knack for connecting with ordinary people, a quality his father conspicuously lacks. “William is a key player in the future monarchy,” said a source who has studied the matter closely. “He’s going to help direct how things will happen. The popularity of William and Kate is very important. It’s the oxygen the monarchy needs for survival.” A substantial number of Britons are in favor of Charles’s stepping aside in William’s favor after the Queen dies. But tampering with the succession to the throne would precipitate a constitutional crisis. It would require an act of Parliament plus the passage of legislation by all the Commonwealth governments, neither of which is likely to happen. What’s more, it is well known in royal circles that Camilla is keen to become the first commoner Queen and that Charles is eager to gratify her wish.

“What’s far more likely to happen,” said the royal-watcher Robert Jobson, “is that there will be a seamless change of power in the monarchy, a gradual shift away from the Queen. Charles’s influence will gain, as will William’s. During the last years of Elizabeth’s reign, Charles and William will be like shadow kings.” Charles turns 63 in November, and given the longevity of the Windsor line, he may have a long wait to ascend the throne. But assuming he outlives his mother, he will become King. He has made no secret of the fact that he intends to make significant changes in the monarchy. To begin with, he’s determined to be seen as the representative of a more inclusive society. He has stated that he will be the Defender of the Faiths—plural—not simply the Church of England, which would be a monumental departure from nearly 500 years of tradition. He also wants a thriftier, pared-down monarchy, which is not so open to criticism. All of this is bad news for Prince Andrew. Up till now, Andrew and his daughters have lived a charmed life.

To please her favorite son, Queen Elizabeth has taken Beatrice and Eugenie under her wing and given them a place of honor on the balcony of Buckingham Palace during state occasions. Over the objections of her husband, the Queen has indulged Andrew’s wish to live under the same roof as his ex-wife, and she has turned a blind eye to his improper behavior. But the time is nearing when Prince Charles will take a more significant role in running the affairs of the British monarchy. And as Queen Elizabeth’s power wanes and Charles’s power grows, Andrew is likely to find himself out of a job and out of luck. Share

Question: Which member of the Royal Family is known as 'Brian' in 'Private Eye'?
Answer: PRINCE OF WALES