Arrg You Ready For The Talk Like A Pirate Day Giveaway at Krispy Kreme? | Hot News from Krispy Kreme Doughnuts Media Contacts Arrg You Ready For The Talk Like A Pirate Day Giveaway at Krispy Kreme? Get a FREE Doughnut For Talking Like a Pirate, or Dress Like a Pirate for a Free Dozen on September 19 Category: Monday, September 8, 2014 6:00 am EDT Dateline: NYSE: KKD WINSTON-SALEM, N.C.--( BUSINESS WIRE )--Friday, September 19, any landlubber who dares to enter a participating Krispy Kreme® US locations and talks like a pirate will score one free Original Glazed® doughnut. To the swashbuckler who wears full pirate attire goes a bounty of one FREE dozen Original Glazed doughnuts. Offer good on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, September 19th, only. Some restrictions apply. Visit KrispyKreme.com for more information.

To claim yer bounty on September 19, ye must: Talk like a pirate or wear an eye patch to a participating Krispy Kreme shop for one FREE Original Glazed doughnut. Come in to a participating Krispy Kreme location in full pirate costume for one FREE dozen Original Glazed doughnuts. Qualifying pirate costumes must include three or more of the following items: No Weapons Allowed! Eye Patch Silver and gold necklaces and earrings Pirate Hook Pointy black boots or ragged brown sandals Offer good for one free doughnut per customer who wears an eye patch or talks like a pirate to a Krispy Kreme team member at a participating shop. One free dozen Original Glazed doughnuts per customer who wears a full pirate costume into a participating Krispy Kreme location. Redeemable on September 19, 2014 only at participating Krispy Kreme US locations. Connect with Krispy Kreme at KrispyKreme.com , HotLightApp.com , Facebook , foursquare and Twitter , and KrispyKremeDoughnuts on YouTube . About Krispy Kreme Krispy Kreme is an international retailer of premium-quality sweet treats, including its signature Original Glazed® doughnut.

Headquartered in Winston-Salem, N.C., the Company has offered the highest-quality doughnuts and great-tasting coffee since it was founded in 1937. Krispy Kreme is proud of its Fundraising program, which for decades has helped non-profit organizations raise millions of dollars in needed funds. Today, Krispy Kreme can be found in over 850 locations in more than 20 countries around the world. (NYSE: KKD) is listed on the New York Stock Exchange. Visit us at . Photos/Multimedia Gallery Available: JOKES PAGE 13 Pirate Jokes...Sailor Jokes...Parrot Jokes and More! Aye, me bucko, we've got some pirate jokes for you! PUNCHLINES WITH A DEFINITE HOOK! PIRATE'S INSURANCE After many years at sea, a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job and after a little budgeting, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related.

"How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate. "That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent. The pirate replied, "Well matey, I was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!" "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" said the agent. "It were the first day with me hook!" Question: What did Captain Hook die from? Answer: Jock Itch. Not-so-Jolly Roger A soldier meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The soldier notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.

"How did you end up with a peg leg?" he asks. The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off." "Wow!" says the soldier. "What about your hook?" "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand." "Incredible. How’d you get the eye patch?" "A grapefruit squirted in my eye," the pirate replies. "You lost your eye to grapefruit juice?" "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the new hook." A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her... He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back. She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself. Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow. Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole! He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face... As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN! Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships.

The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.'' A man went into the pet shop " I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder" he said. "I don't have any parrots at the moment , but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that.

It would squawk in all the wrong places , poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot . Just as realistic and easily controlled." "Are you sure a stuffed parrot would be OK ? " asked the customer " I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible ." " I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine " said the pet shop owner " I have one at home . I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it ". " Sorry " said the customer " I can't make it on Thursday . That's the day I'm having my leg cut off ." Are ya laughing yet, landlubber? Five pirates and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each pirate will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next pirate in line will marry her and so on. All the pirates get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different pirate each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad.

The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... So they buried her. A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances. The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!!

Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat." How much does it cost for a pirate to pierce his ears? A buck an ear!!! Aaaarrrgh! So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the it into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?" What's the pirate's wife's name? Peggy. You know ye are a pirate when... ...you prefer cheap rum instead of expensive wine. ...you think that the proper way to greet kings at events is: Arrh, ye peacock, give me yer money or I´ll burn yer tent! ...you're planning to purchase a large cannon with the explanation: "who knows, maybe some day we go to Pennsic". ...you are not very interested in SCA rapier fencing cause "they've banned fleche and suicidefencing" and you dont really understand that crap bout "chivalry" either. ...you get thrown out of meetings cause you know too much about "slithering throats, ARRH!".

...the people at work starts to talk about you as the guy who puts jolly rogers on everything. ...people stand WAAY back when your household starts to pull out rapiers, sabres, cutlasses and daggers. ...you get really angry when the person next to you at the bancuette, who claims to be a pirate, doesnt know anything about "loading guns with rusty nails" and you challenge him to a cutlassduel, he turns up and then runs away cause you brought your real cutlass. ...your topic for the evening is smuggling, and your fellow sca-dians listens politely until you mention "fast motor boats" and starts complaining about how the price on silk has gone down. Did you hear abouthat new pirate movie? .........it's rated arrrrrrrrr THE PARACHUTE A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens. "No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner ..." Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for." When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?" CHIVALRY The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce. "Your Honor," he said, "my client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry, and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry." "Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely.

I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door - while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph." EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: "Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer." A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job. The office manager said, "I can't hire a dog for this job." The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer." So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted. The manager said, "Here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it." Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer. The manager still wasn't convinced. "I can't hire a dog for this position. You've got to be bilingual." The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow." RIGHT FOR THE JOB Looking for just the right employees? Try this simple personnel test.

Take the job applicants and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart, put them in engineering. If they are counting the cigarette butts in the ashtray, assign them to finance. If they are waving their arms and talking aloud, send them to consulting. If they are talking to the chairs, personnel is a good spot for them. If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, computer information systems is their niche. If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the help desk. If they mention the good price for the table and chairs, put them in purchasing. If they mention that hardwood furniture does not come from rain forests, public relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the technical writing team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to security. If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to marketing.

Make your success certain by using our incredible pass4sure practice tests exam study packages and pmp test . We are providing the best pmp online training and 350-001 training solutions for preparations. You can also get 220-801 from our website. Peg Leg - Brooks Bonkoski - YouTube Peg Leg - Brooks Bonkoski Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Published on Oct 29, 2012 *acoustic demo* this is the first song i ever wrote... it's not very good. here's the lyrics....

if i were i pirate i'd hate you and you'd hate me now i think to myself what would the difference be when you're a pirate no one laughs at your peg leg but i'm not a pirate and life is such a drag sitting and sucking and fucking just singing along wishing i knew the words to my pirate song see me go pillaging, see me go raping i'll be a pirate man, just wait and see see me go pillaging, see me go raiding when i'm a pirate nobody will fuck with me i'll go walking into bars with my pirate sword out and my parrot on my shoulder to let the whole world know what my eye-patch just can't do i wanna be a pirate man, if you only knew i'm failing and flailing and fucking just sitting alone wondering if i know the words to my pirate song (what's the difference?) (chorus) BANGKOK THAILAND War and Peace in Lucy's Tiger Den by Richard S. Ehrlich War and Peace in Lucy's Tiger Den Copyright 1986 BANGKOK, Thailand -- A Western mercenary is talking with an American Vietnam veteran at the bar.

"The Burmese government is using phosphorous bombs!" the ex-soldier tells the mercenary. "The rebels never seen nothing like phosphorous bombs before!" The beefy mercenary, is not excited. He stares at his glass of beer and complains, "I've been waiting two weeks in the hotel for that damned telephone call. "Doing nothing except drinking, sleeping and sweating. I can't keep waiting there forever." Their cryptic conversation drops to low tones while they discuss a vague plot to help guerrillas inside Burma. Someone punches a coin into the jukebox and Al Jolson begins wailing: "M-A-M-M-Y..." Upstairs, a Western diplomat is chatting with a few friends about a special bar girl's beauty. An American construction worker wants to know if any new U.S. football games are available to watch on the bar's video which is showing "The Deer Hunter" for the millionth time. And, if you listen hard enough, you can hear Alban "Tiger" Rydberg's gravelly voice telling a buddy a raunchy joke. Born in 1916, Tiger is drinking water and serving "hobo beans" bacon, French bread and onions at the bar. His bar.

Tiger is the last of a rugged breed. This bar, which he's named "Lucy's Tiger Den," is a meeting place for "every present and former soldier, flyer, oilie, construction stiff, merc, ironmonger, cowboy, pipe layer or deep-sea diver" passing through Thailand, according to one loyal customer. By now Bangkok's mid-morning sweltering heat has inspired most people at the bar to opt for another cool drink rather than face the sweaty outside world. Tiger is under a bright spotlight across the barroom, in a wheelchair because the one leg was recently amputated. Diabetes. But Tiger, one his first day back from the hospital, bravely hollers to his cronies, "I want to get me an authentic pirate's peg leg, a black eye patch and a parrot on my shoulder to shit all down my shirt!" He started the day as he usually does -- opening the bar at 10 a.m. and personally greeting people as soon as they enter the door. Tiger's a humble man.

"I once told a priest, 'As rotten as I am, I might make purgatory'," he drawls in his gravelly voice, half Bogart, half sandpaper. Looking like Walter Mathau with his baggy, lined hangdog expression, Tiger is helping his bar girls prepare for "Hobo Night." Most Fridays he lays out plenty of beef stew and salad. All you can eat. Free. As soon as he's sure things are going smoothly, he starts praising the old-fashioned, American-style, sit-down shoeshine stand which he installed yesterday next to the jukebox. The shoeshine stand is huge -- a customer is supposed to sit in the chair atop a platform while the shiner scurries around below polishing an extended foot. But hardly anyone has asked for a buffing yet. Tiger doesn't care. He says he bought it because it's sort of a work of art. "This is the first shoeshine stand in Thailand," he boasts in an interview. "It's really a conversation piece.

"I wanted a good-looking babe to shake her butt and shake her titties while shining shoes." He gazes at the empty shoeshine stand, lost in his fantasy until someone asks for a drink and Tiger decides to make sure won't have to ask twice. Tiger came to Thailand the hard way. Born in California, he suffered the Depression and hammered his way out by pounding steel bolts on construction sites scattered throughout, Chad, East Pakistan, Canada and the United States. In 1971 he went to East Pakistan building bridges in the sweltering jungles. He first came to here to Bangkok in 1982, "workin' iron." He helped build Bangkok's airforce base after running out of work in Vietnam's Danang and Saigon. "I put up hangars in 1983 in this city, out there past the perimeter road," he says.

"When I came out to here again in 1988, I got drunk for 54 days straight and somewhere in the middle of it I married me a local woman, Lucy, and when I sobered up I decided to go into the bar business." His guiding philosophy was bestowed by his ol' pal Vern Engals way back in 1937. "Vern Engals told me a bar should have sawdust on the floor, cold beer in the box and none of those empty liquor bottles on the shelf, but instead stock plenty of booze. "Keep a lot of loose change in the drawer and if somebody's got a check to cash, then cash it if you can. "I'll treat anybody as good as they'll let me. I can tell an s.o.b. as soon as they come in the door of my bar. "When some guy comes in with a chip on his shoulder and mouthing off, I run him out before he'll get a drink. Nobody here has got anything to prove." Tiger also doesn't like any "anti-American assholes" barging in, or, for that matter, anyone who insists on expounding leftist views on any subject. Tiger and his buddies are staunchly right-wing.

Hundreds of photos cover the walls, displaying pictures of pals, Tiger's mementos, plaques, and an American Legion plaque. Ask him the story of his life and he'll begin by telling you a tale about "Shorty Moran, the first bartender I ever got a drink over the counter from. "That was in Jamestown, California, where I was born, three-and-a-half miles from Sonara. "You could fall out the backdoor of any of the bootleg joints, fall into a fight and wake up in a hard rock jail full of whores. "Shorty Moran would pour half a glass of moonshine whiskey, drink it down and puke it up in the sink. He died drinking. "What a funeral that was. The whores, pimps, cowboys and rounders all showed up. My dad run a lot of cattle in the Sierras and he knew them all. "My dad wasn't a politician, he made them. But a banker put us out of business." Suddenly, the telephone rings and Tiger's bar girls start handing out a round of free drinks for everyone. "Someone just phoned from Manila and says he's coming to Bangkok in a few days," Tiger explains.

"He phoned just to buy a round of drinks for everyone, and to charge it to his bill." No one else in the bar knows the generous caller from the Philippines, but everyone cheers Manila as the jukebox blares Merle Haggard. Tiger sells Soldier of Fortune magazine at the door and still receives his personal copy of "Ironworkers" newsletter. Tiger's bar also hosted in 1984 the first overseas reunion of American Legion Post Number One, now functioning in exile. The bash was a huge success -- everyone felt right at home and spent the evening meeting old friends and talking war. Founded in Shanghai around 1920, the post was ousted by the Japanese in World War II and later by communist Chinese. Dedicated to soldiers of fortune, the post is the only one the American Legion allows foreign and non-military people to join. Its 2,400 members include spies, veterans, construction workers and others who have fought for America's foreign policies. Though he's never been ordered to serve in the military, living has been rough for Tiger. Just look at his scars.

"I got third-degree burns on my right arm and hand from rolling over the Oklahoma in Pearl Harbor in 1943," he explains, referring to a salvage operation which left whitish marks on his skin. "Then in this country I got tropical sprue, it's a microscopic infection. I still suffer." One of his favorite jokes is printed on the back of his calling card, stacked up on the bar: "What do you get when you cross a prostitute with an elephant? "A 2,000 pound whore who fucks for peanuts and remembers you forever!" "A lot of guys say I should have a bunch of young girls in here," he says, gesturing towards waitresses who are at least pushing 30. "But if I did that, this bar wouldn't be no more different than any of any other places." Surveying the night's crowded atmosphere, he stretches his face into a satisfied, end-of-a-long-day smile, idly scratches his leg's amputated stump and drawls: "I run this bar the way I used to run out of my way to get to one like it." Copyright by Richard S. Ehrlich email: animists *at* yahoo *dot* com Richard S.

Ehrlich's Asia news, non-fiction book titled, "Hello My Big Big Honey!" plus hundreds of photographs are available at his website Free Krispy Kreme doughnuts on September 19! :: WRAL.com Free Krispy Kreme doughnuts on September 19! Tags: Your friends e-mail addresses (comma separated):* Subject:* You must enter the characters with black color that stand out from the other characters More on this Krispy Kreme promotion details Krispy Kreme is celebrating Talk Like a Pirate Day again by giving away FREE doughnuts! The catch is that you have to dress like a pirate! Score up to a dozen free doughnuts with this giveaway, matey. If you talk like a pirate at your local Krispy Kreme on September 19, you'll score some treasure in the form of a FREE Original Glazed doughnut! If you go all out and dress in full pirate attire, you'll hit the mother lode with a DOZEN free Original Glazed doughnuts! This freebie is valid on September 19 only, which happens to be International Talk Like a Pirate Day, as I am sure you already knew. Here are some additional details from the Krispy Kreme website.

Pirate costumes must include three or more of the following items and no weapons are allowed: • Eye Patch Pirate Jokes and Humor Pirate Jokes and Humor A pirate walks into a tavern with a mangy, infected parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "You shouldn't be that close to such a disgusting low-life animal." The pirate says, "Arr, it's ok, he's had his shots." Then the bartender says... "HEY..I was talking to the parrot!" A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat after their ship had sank. While searching through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the thirsty pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately thereafter the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mere mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished.

Now only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!" One morning a pirate noticed something floating towards the deserted island that had become his home since his ship sank six months earlier. As the object came closer, he realized that it was a large barrel. Soon he could see that hanging onto the barrel was a very scantily clad woman. In fact she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Arriving on shore the woman left the barrel and slowly and suggestively walked towards him. She whispered into his ear, "I have something you want!" The pirate then without hesitation, ran towards the breaking waves yelling, "Don't tell me ya got rum in that barrel!" A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the Captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on.

The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things, the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing. "Arrr! What's that?" asks the Captain. "Well, there are no women" replies the young man. "Arrr!" says the Captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the Captain, "and ye may take her as ya will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way. However, as the long months at sea drag by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the horny young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and he has his wicked way with the barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined! The next day the Captain makes a point to greet him again. "How did ya get on with Carmen then, laddie?" he asks eagerly.

The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!" "Argh!," says the Captain, with a great beaming smile on his black-bearded face. "Then it be yer turn in the barrel tomorrow matey!" An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks "So, how did ya end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they was pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of them foul creatures bit me bloomin' leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "Thats awful unlucky... What about that hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a traders ship, with pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. And in the fracas me hand got chopped clean off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "Ya don't say... And how did ye come by that eye patch"? "Argh..

a bloody seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "Ya lost yer eye to a seagull droppin'?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; "ya see mate, it was me first day with this here hook........." A pirate ship has been on a long voyage, and the men have grown terribly bored. One of the crew happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and begins a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut. The pirate begins his first trick, and the parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!" Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!" This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the weary crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled.... the bird says to him: "Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?" A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink. The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender, I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink." The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly, reached in an picked it out then continued drinking. The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly, grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!" A pirate and his crew were busy plundering a ship. When he entered the captain's quarters, he saw the ships captain hunched over a table, obviously deep in thought. When the captain didn't move, the pirate came closer with cutlass raised, but stopped short when he noticed that the captain was involved in a game of chess ...

with a parrot! The pirate watched for a few seconds, and soon the captain made a move. "Good move! Good move!" the parrot cried, "Nice! Nice!" Well, needless to say, the pirate was quite impressed. "Arrgh, matey! That be quite the talented parrot ye be playin' against thar," he said. The captain looked up at the pirate, somewhat startled, as he had been so involved with the game that he had not noticed him standing there. "Ahh, he's not so smart," he replied, "I've beaten the blighter two out of three." "So what would the bird do if ye made a blunder?" asked the pirate. "Somersaults," was the quick reply. "Somersaults?" the pirate said, "That be incredble! How many would it be doin' then?" "Ahh," said the Captain, "That would depend on how hard I slap him." One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. The captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!". The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid". All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!" As the crusty old pirate captain is breaking in a brand new sailing navigator.

The captain reaches down and pulls out his sharpened cutlass and rests it on the map table. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for matey?" "No, sir," replies the young newbie. "Aye use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, with a wink. The navigator then opens his coat, pulls out a pistol, and sets it on his chart table. "What's THAT fer?" queries the surprised captain. "Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will." While celebrating his rich conquest, the drunken pirate captain staggered to the top of the upper deck of his ship and then suddenly fell down the stairs to the main deck. The First Mate saw him fall and rushed to his aid. "Captain," he said, "did you miss a step?" "No," said the captain, "I'm pretty sure I hit every one of um!" At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, a lonely pirate Captain decides he needs a parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeeper, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within.

The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. The Captain of course inquires, "How he be a 'holdin his ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Rawwk! With me yardarm of course, Rawwk!" to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The Captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley pirate crew. The Captain and his new parrot fast become talkative mates, and he wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Shotum. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye just as fast as he'd drink the rum from yer mug!" As they voyage on to the next port, the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the Captain always gets the first pick. He immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account his devious first mate, who now drools at the mere sight of her.

The Captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder his choice pick so soon. However, when the Captain returns to his cabin, his prized wench is gone, and his friendly parrot begins to squawk about the terrible account. The Captain is now incensed "What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?" "Rawwk! Rusty Shotum is all to blame, Rusty Shotum I swear me Cap'n, Rawwk!" This further infuriates him "Tell me every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" The bird musters his courage "Rawwk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed, Rawwk!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?" His parrot begins to quiver "Rawwk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor, Rawwk!" Then the Captain unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing it at his feathery witness "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters "Rawwk!

She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh Rusty!, Oh Rusty!'" To this, the maddened Captain thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck "Every bloody detail or ye be walkin the plank and findin Davey Jones locker below!" The bird swallows heavily and replies "Rawwk! Cap'n I can't bear witness to what happened here next, Rawwk!... cuz that's when I fell right off me perch!" Captain Bogg & Salty - Pieces of 8ight Page best viewed with a 1024px width. Copyright � 2000-2016 Brethren of the Coast. All Rights Reserved.

Peg-leg poems — Hello Poetry There was a girl named Peg Leg Peg, Called her that because of her wooden leg, She was known as the best in town, Guys would come from miles around, You see, Peg’s leg could detach, For better access to her snatch, And though it wasn’t crabs that bite, There was the occasional termite, But this did not seem to deter, All the guys who called on her, And though there were occasional cracks, About how she held her stockings up with tacks, All the guys would practically beg, To put another notch in Peggy’s leg. 04-19-10.

This was one of a few poems I wrote that were originally posted under the name BrianDamage...if you read some of the things I posted under that name, you'd know why that name seems more than apt...:) Even though I have one leg limp I would train even if I were stem Bodybuilding keeps me in shape It keeps me from dwelling in my present state I loss one total body part It was pure inspiration I made from the start I am an intensity male Bodybuilder I compete to put my body to the test in being a challenge I am the living testimony in encouraging others to train no matter what Who says one must settle because they have a handicap?

Bodybuilding is the ultimate and you will become your own vascular map I am your Coach floor plan Follow my Bodybuilding success being at your demand I may have one leg gone But training is where I belong Bodybuilding has taught me too be conditioned and the theory of discipline The training in me is everything I found it should be It’s the results for all to see Yes I am a Peg Leg male Bodybuilder The training gives me endurance and the intensity makes me even stronger Strides in Bodybuilding principles determined to continue to make No matter what the struggles, training is never ever too late I encourage you to make it a date Keep me posted, as I want to see your update. Peg-leg Pete, the pirate, in the good old days of old; found a sealed amphora, whilst searching for some gold. The label bore a warning & a faded, scary skull but Peg-leg Pete was curious & gave the bung a pull. The bottle appeared empty, so he gave it quite a shake. A rumbling, grumbling let him know – a genie was awake!

“You didn't ought to do that, you one-legged, one-eyed beast; to someone who's been fast asleep, a hundred years, at least!” The genie was so angry, like a bear, with a sore head. “You'll only get one wish for that, so make it count.” he said. “Only one!” poor Pete complained. “but I've just set you free. I've got the very task though, that you can do for me.” “Me owd peg-leg has woodworm & me glass-eye's on the blink; me 'ooks gone rusty & me trusty ship's about to sink. If you can make me whole again, one wish will be enough. So, come on grumpy genie, shake a leg & do your stuff!” “Make sure you word your wish exact, for there's no going back.” The genie smirked, then got to work & everything went black. When Pete came round, he quickly found his hook & peg-leg there & underneath it's tatty patch, his glass-eye's icy stare. “What trick is this, you scurvy dog, you've gone back on your word?” “I think not Pete, just look around & see what has occurred.

Your ship is now a merchant & that warehouse on the dock. It's yours, for import/export work – for honest trade old cock!” Pete “I don't get this, I'm still stood here, like Ahab, off the whaler.” Genie, smirking “You asked me, quite specifically to make you a whole-saler!” Briz 5/11/13 Pieces of eight I got on the high sea, a tail be told how I got thee. First was the coin I got off me mum, as she said have fun my bearded son. Dont spent it all on one eye patch or sweets, spend it wisely my son be the pirate you wish to be. So time went on and I kept my coin I bet it on a chicken race, and won my second piece, look in my palm its gold its plain to see. So I took a walk on the beach and in the sand another I did see, my luck was in. I chewed on it and it was as real as could be, this day I know does have three. Four and five I won in a bet, but I have a peg leg where there once was a foot.

Now I have a wooden peg but Arrr i won the bet more gold I see. Six and seven were as hard as could be, a dare with a shark, well feed was he. A hook is all the rage they say. Mine has a can opener and wi-fi ya see, I hope that shark gets a grip inside that hursts it tummy each and every day. Number eight was what I got for going to sea, to be the captain of the pirate vessel king of the seaI. I roam around the waters me and my first mate, my monkey horrible pete. Pirate king I wasnt meant to be, as this rowboat king of the seal, is hard to row with one hand and a peg from the knee. My first mate is a monkey who works for yellow skins, but he cant row a boat, short arms has he. So around and around I go three foot from the peer, at least I,m now in the sea. But my pieces of eight is all the treasure l will ever see. Me and my boat and monkey horrible Pete enjoying our life on the open high sea. Wrote this for my little ones, hope to get this as a book of three tales..

It’s Halloween in the October wind Being scare in a ghosts begin Eye of creators from various molds Eerie stories that will be told As the moon grows dark It’s costumes that will be making their mark But don’t look now as the sun has gone down Hungry tots and kids who will beg An Evil Pirate who only has one peg leg Halloween is about sharing and caring There will be much to explore Happy Halloween I just couldn’t ignore A knock at the door Who is behind it but no one is really sure? The spirits have returned, but don’t open the door Your soul has been chosen, and an event will take place The candy will be closing in and the neighborhood Dentist will have a chore to step in. I pull open the cover, a trap door to the deck. “Weigh the anchor!” and with a splash the adventure begins. ”Trim your sails!” and the curtain flaps behind me. The bow of Old Salt splits the waves and I wipe the spray from my glasses. There’s mutiny aboard the ship. With cutlasses drawn I hear them charge, the “pok-pok” of a peg leg is my dad at the door. “It’s twelve gone”, he says and I see them fall to the deck.

In the heat of the action there’s no time to count the loss! There’s a shout from the door, “They’ve scuttled the ship!” My feet get cold as the hull fills up. The water is rising The crew is sprawled awkwardly on the still, red-dyed deck, as the leather bound novel falls from my bed… Lots of imagery, think double meaning Dog-training: To scare the shit out of your dog: shoot at him! If that doesn't work: stuff him full of hormones Of me, once murdered, there will be loose talk That I shat granite-hard, cold, jagged, solid as rock In a dank room, one as squalid as post-Bush Iraq In skin chronically fungal, athletically: itchy as a jock And shaky like pizza or twitchy as a prized cock Artsy-fartsy, fatuous, intermittently loud like a knock Wearing one sock I'll be found in my hut dead Watching god-awful Beavis and Butt-Head or like whore Palfrey, the zelter politically prostituted They'll hang me in a shed leaving my corpse unshooted Four times J.F.K.

was administered extreme unction as is universally guided by popery's holy instruction It didn't matter as the Dallas matinée was a trap shoot To swap the heads of syndicators for gelt and loot A diver who strikes the diving board suffers peg leg goo greyness But it shouldn't make him fairy-like like fairy Greg Lou Gayness Why | Days Without Pirate Attack: Days Without Pirate Attack: Why I always wanted the “lightning bolt that would knock me off my horse” kind of spiritual experience. I wanted to be fixed/cured/transformed with one sizzling shock. Or one workshop or dream or near-death coma that would change me forever. Honestly, I am still willing to do the coma if I can awaken as the person I want to be. Most of us aren’t that lucky, though. 99.9% of us have to create a practice to deal with our ego-selves every day. I have to stay aware and awake all the time to prevent a “pirate attack.” Days Without Pirate Attack: is public accountability of my mysticism and spiritual practice. The pirates, of course, are me. My normal response to threat and fear is to attack, blame, judge, and criticize.

My internal pirates plunder the treasured parts of my life. Pirates cannot be trusted. Pirates rarely telegraph their profession with an eye patch, peg leg, and a parrot. Stop watching the horizon for a few minutes and next thing you know they’ve taken over the ship. The metaphor works for me. How about you? Share this:

Question: If I have an eye-patch, a peg-leg, and a parrot on my shoulder, what am I?
Answer: a Pirate