Allo! Allo! - Show News, Reviews, Recaps and Photos - TV.com EDIT Meet René, the most wanted man in Occupied France: Women want his body. The Resistance wants his brain. And the Nazis want his sausage! In a small café in occupied France the harassed proprietor, René, is fighting his own war. With the German Army in residence at the bar, René is risking his neck to aid the Resistance by hiding two British airmen and a radio transmitter upstairs. As if this wasn't enough, René has also got involved in hiding a priceless painting in a garlic sausage, which even now is being sniffed out by the Gestapo. But René's real problem is his wife, Edith, and what she will do to him when she finds out about the affairs he is having with two sexy waitresses! (BBC) 'Allo 'Allo (TV Series 1982–1992) - IMDb IMDb There was an error trying to load your rating for this title. Some parts of this page won't work property. Please reload or try later. X Beta I'm Watching This! Keep track of everything you watch; tell your friends.

Error In WW2 France, Rene Artois runs a small café where Resistance fighters, Gestapo men, German Army officers and escaped Allied POWs interact daily, ignorant of one another's true identity or presence, exasperating Rene. Creators: The balloon crashes and the airmen end up back at the cafe,disguised by moose heads. General Von Klinkerhoffen assumes control of the whole area, thereby making many enemies. The Resistance hate him ... 8.7 World War II is raging, but in the French village of Nouvion, café owner Rene Artois wants only a quiet life, plus some slap and tickle with his waitress Yvette behind his sour wife Edith's back. To ... 8.6 As Rene communicates with London on the radio hidden under Madame Fanny's bed Flick listens in and learns of the plan to dig the tunnel into the prison camp. The airmen and Alphonse need help in ... 8.6 "No Small Parts" IMDb Exclusive: 'Edge of Seventeen' Star Hailee Steinfeld Hailee Steinfeld has received critical acclaim for her role in the coming-of-age comedy The Edge of Seventeen . What other roles has she played over the years?

Don't miss our live coverage of the Golden Globes beginning at 4 p.m. PST on Jan. 8 in our Golden Globes section. a list of 30 titles created 20 Jun 2011 a list of 37 titles created 13 Aug 2011 a list of 31 titles created 04 Sep 2012 a list of 46 titles created 12 Jan 2013 a list of 46 titles created 15 Jan 2013 Search for " 'Allo 'Allo " on Amazon.com Connect with IMDb Title: 'Allo 'Allo (1982–1992) 8.3/10 Want to share IMDb's rating on your own site? Use the HTML below. You must be a registered user to use the IMDb rating plugin. 1 win & 5 nominations. See more awards » Photos Adventures and misadventures of Lord Meldrum, his family and their servants. Set in 1920's.

Stars: Paul Shane, Jeffrey Holland, Su Pollard In the Middle Ages, Prince Edmund the Black Adder constantly schemes and endeavors to seize the crown from his father and brother. Stars: Rowan Atkinson, Brian Blessed, Elspet Gray Classic comedy following the misadventures of two Wheeler Dealer brothers Del Boy and Rodney Trotter who scrape their living by selling dodgy goods believing that next year they will be millionaires. Stars: David Jason, Nicholas Lyndhurst, Roger Lloyd Pack In the Regency era, Mr E. Blackadder serves as butler to the foppish numskull Prince George amidst the fads and crazes of the time. Stars: Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Hugh Laurie In the Tudor court of Elizabeth I, Lord Edmund Blackadder strives to win Her Majesty's favour while attempting to avoid a grisly fate should he offend her. Stars: Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Tim McInnerny During WW2,in a fictional British seaside town,a ragtag group of Home Guard local defense volunteers prepares for an imminent German invasion.

Stars: Arthur Lowe, John Le Mesurier, Clive Dunn At a New Millennium Eve party Blackadder and Baldrick test their new time machine and ping pong through history encountering famous characters and changing events rather alarmingly.... Director: Paul Weiland Stuck in the middle of World War I, Captain Edmund Blackadder does his best to escape the banality of the war. Stars: Rowan Atkinson, Tony Robinson, Stephen Fry Hotel owner Basil Fawlty's incompetence, short fuse, and arrogance form a combination that ensures accidents and trouble are never far away. Stars: John Cleese, Prunella Scales, Andrew Sachs Arkwright is a tight-fisted shop owner in Doncaster, who will stop at nothing to keep his profits high and his overheads low, even if this means harassing his nephew Granville. Arkwright's ... See full summary » Stars: Ronnie Barker, David Jason, Lynda Baron The original surreal sketch comedy showcase for the Monty Python troupe. Stars: Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam Edit Storyline René Artois runs a small café in France during World War II.

He always seems to have his hands full: He's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance. Quite often, the Germans' incompetence itself is what nearly lands René and his cohorts in hot water; they are not helped either by the locals, who are dreadfully keen to get rid of the Germans, but their blatant and theatrical attempts at espionage and secrecy often create problems that René must solve quickly. Written by Murray Chapman <muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au> 30 December 1982 (UK) See more » Also Known As: Did You Know? Trivia Gorden Kaye was injured in an accident during the British storm of January 25th and 26th 1990, when a plank of wood flew through the windscreen of his car, leaving Gorden Kaye with a scar on his head, which Kaye claimed in a interview that he had no recollection of any details of the accident.

Although the scar was noticeable on his head in Series 7 it was not written in the show to explain why Rene had a scar on his head. See more » Goofs Madame Fanny is occasionally seen knitting. However, the character knits British style. Any French woman of the time would knit Continental style instead. See more » Quotes Capt. Hans Geering : Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau! René : Simple plans are always the best. Cafe Rene - 'Allo 'Allo: The Characters "You stupid woman!" Edith Melba Artois The wife of cafe owner and reluctant resistor Rene Artois, Edith is tone-deaf and cannot hold a tune in a bucket - but she still believes she is a musical star and insists on singing songs in the cafe's "cabaret" each night. Most customers either block their ears with cheese, or simply leave.

Upon her husband's supposed "death", she became the owner of Cafe Rene, and as a "rich widow", she was then courted aggressively by both Monsieur Alphonse the undertaker and Capt. Bertorelli. Played by Carmen Silvera . Yvette Carte-Blanche The lead waitress at Cafe Rene, Yvette has had an affair with Rene since before the show began. She often begs him to run away with her to some remote place like Switzerland where they can live together in bliss, but Rene feels he must regain his Cafe first -- and that means remarrying Edith now that his original self is "dead". Played by Vicki Michelle . Catchphrases: "Ohhh... Rene!" Maria Recamier Another waitress at Cafe Rene, Maria's last name is tricky to find. In only one episode, she mentions it, and if not for subtitling we wouldn't know how it's spelled at all (see episode 3.3, Secret Passages). Just like Yvette, Maria has also been carrying on an affair with Rene through the years. She has no idea that Rene also loves Yvette, and also believes that Rene should run away with her.

She speaks French with an unfortunate tendency to spit when she gargles her "r"s, leaving most listeners damp when she gets excited. She is also very short, so Rene has her stand on a chair in order to hug and caress her. When the cafe staff was imprisoned in the Prisoner of War camp (episode 4.1, Stalag Luft 4), Maria attempted to escape by making a large Red Cross parcel, addressing it to the Cafe, and boxing herself inside it (she is small enough that this would work). Unfortunately, she did not put enough postage on it, and the parcel was returned to Switzerland. We have never heard from her again. Played by Francesca Gonshaw . Mimi Labonq After Maria accidentally posted herself to Switzerland, Rene advertised to hire a replacement waitress. Mimi answered the ad, and due to the fact that she was planted as a secret agent for the resistance, she was hired. She is a vicious, bloodthirsty, revenge-seeking killer who wants nothing more than to poison and kill all the "German swine", but she falls instantly in love with Rene and begins an affair with him.

Rene handles the situation well - and after all, Mimi is about the same size as Maria. But Mimi sings and dances incredibly well, and even made a bid to replace Madame Edith in the Cafe's cabaret. Played by Sue Hodge . Fanny La Fan Madame Edith's frail mother Fanny was once a dancer for the Folie Bergere, and had a beautiful singing voice. Her beauty and voice lured many a young man to her, including a brash young artist named Vincent who gave her paintings and in a fit of jealousy cut off his ear and mailed it to her. But though men sought her hand for many years, her heart belonged to a pair of brothers - Roger & Ernest Leclerc. Unfortunately, the brothers were thieves and forgers and were soon arrested and thrown in jail, and Fanny pined for her lost loves. Years later, as a nearly-bedridden old lady living above her son-in-law's cafe, she was shocked to find that one of her lost loves, Roger Leclerc, had broken out of prison and made his way to the cafe as part of a Resistance plan.

Though very old and generally frail, and preferring to keep to her now-motorized wheelchair, she can still wow a crowd on occasion with a song and "dance". Due to her constant presence, the Resistance chose to hide the radio beneath her bed; the speaker is in the chamber pot. When a message is coming in on the radio, the Resistance have wired her bed so the bedknobs flash - but Fanny doesn't understand this and is constantly shocked and scared by the "flashing knobs." Played by Rose Hill . Catchphrases: "The flashing knobs!" Michelle Dubois Leader of the Nouvion branch of the French Resistance, Michelle is a crafty, clever woman whose ingenious mind comes up with plan after clever plan to capture spies, help airmen escape, photograph maps, and more. The fact that very few of her plans ever succeed surely is not her fault! With a cover identity as the sub-postmistress of the "next village over", Michelle can travel about with nearly complete freedom. When not in some intentional disguise as part of one of her plans, she dresses in what appears to be the unofficial uniform of the French Resistance: black beret and dark brown trenchcoat.

She carries a gun and is not afraid to use it, though she rarely has to - her grim determination and unwavering aim are usually enough of a threat to make her will law. Michelle is one of the few people in Nouvion who speak English - she speaks it fluently and often acts as translator for the British airmen. Or for Officer Crabtree, who only thinks he speaks French. She once had to feign a "crush" on Rene to persuade him to remain in the Resistance; he has believed she harbors a secret desire for him ever since. Played by Kirsten Cooke . Catchphrases: "Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once." Monsieur Alphonse The owner of the local mortuary, Monsieur Alphonse is one of the richest men in Nouvion, and is proud of his mortuary motto: "Swiftly, and with Style." Despite his age, he is still able to bang (*cough* *cough*) a coffin together, and he offers a number of different funeral plans, most of which are quite expensive.

He lives in a small apartment above the mortuary, and hopes some day to have saved enough money to buy himself a small hearse, with a small horse. Monsieur Alphonse began vying for the hand of Madame Edith after her husband Rene was "killed" and his "twin brother Rene" arrived to run the Cafe. He took offense at one of Rene's barbs and challenged the man to a duel. When Rene ran off in fear for his life, Alphonse was taken aside by Michelle of the Resistance and informed that Rene was crucial to their plans for a free France. When Rene returned, Alphonse pledged his undying loyalty to the resistance cause and forgave the insult which had incited the duel. Subsequently, Monsieur Alphonse has been used frequently as a source of funds for resistance plans - usually as ransoms, bribes, or payoffs. The resistance usually treats him delicately, though, because of his "dicky ticker" (weak heart). He was once hospitalized after an interrogation by Helga proved too exciting for him. Played by the late veteran British comedy actor Kenneth Connor . Catchphrases: "Ohhh....

my dicky ticker!" Roger Leclerc A old forger and scoundrel, Roger Leclerc had spent years in the nick when the Resistance helped him escape. They did so to have him forge false identity papers for downed British airmen in furtherance of their escape plans. But he soon is caught up in much more intrigue when he arrives at Cafe Rene to begin his forging task. He meets his long-lost love, Fanny La Fan, now a bedridden old woman. He also is asked to forge the priceless painting of the Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies, but he turns down the job: he is not a forger of paintings, he is a signature forger. Soon after, he becomes one of the resistance's top agents. A master of disguise in his own mind, he is equally unsuccessful portraying an onion seller, a war veteran, or an itinerant baker, but the Resistance continue to use him to deliver sensitive equipment and papers to the long-suffering Rene. Roger was having fun fooling around with Fanny for a while, but one day he visited his brother Ernest who was still in the nick.

His brother told him how good the food was there in jail, and Roger considered that reason enough to switch places with him. After all, he reasoned, it would be much much better than Madame Edith's cooking. Ernest, delighted to be out of prison, took up Roger's role as a Resistance agent and Fanny's lover. Played by the late actor Jack Haig. Catchphrases: Allo Allo Page Top TV Series Allo Allo first hit our TV screens in December 1982. Created by the writing partnership of Jeremy Lloyd and David Croft in what was considered by many to be the golden age of the sitcom, it was reportedly based on the BBC drama series Secret Army. Set in war torn France the story is centred on French café owner Rene Artois (played by Gorden Kaye), his long suffering wife Edith (Carmen Silvera), mother-in-law Madame Fanny (Rose Hill) together with the café waitresses including Yvette played by Vicki, who all find themselves thrust by default into the very forefront of the Resistance escape route.

The programme ran for ninety two episodes in nine series over ten years before finally bowing out in 1992 which means it actually went on for longer than the war! It has sold to over eighty different countries, more than Monty Python or Fawlty Towers, been translated into countless languages and is currently enjoying a whole new audience as a result of constant re runs worldwide. Quite simply Allo Allo has become one of the most successful and popular sitcoms of all time having transcended class, time and race. For Vicki the role of Yvette has earned her not only fame but sex symbol status with a huge fan following all over the world. She still receives fan mail for her portrayal on a regular basis from such places as India, China, Australia, the USA and of course Europe and the UK. She was offered the role as a result of impressing the writers while playing the part of a French robot maid in one of their earlier series Come Back Mrs Noah. For Jeremy Lloyd, she was the obvious first choice for the character although she did in fact read for the role of Michelle of the Resistance as well. This role was eventually played by Kirsten Cooke.

It was to be eighteen months from the screening of the pilot to the recording of the first series and even thought the show proved popular, a question mark hung over future episodes for some time before public demand took over and the rest as they say is history. Stage Play By the mid eighties Allo Allo had reached cult status and the market was saturated with all manner merchandise ranging from T shirts, mugs and key rings to books, board games and even fake currency. A stage version of the series was written also by David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd which opened at The London Palladium where it completed two box office record breaking runs transferring to the Dominion and Prince Of Wales theatres before touring to Australia, New Zealand and of course all over the UK with the same result and where it has been revived on numerous occasions, the last British tour being in 1996. A final performance of the play in Australia is planned for 2007. Photos © Limelight The Return of Allo Allo With the twenty fifth anniversary of the show looming in 2007 and public demand still as great as ever, it was predictable that some form of recognition of the programme should take place to mark the occasion.

What was perhaps more surprising was the decision to create a final one off special entitled The Return of Allo Allo which was coincidentally scheduled for completion at the appropriate time. Several of the available, original cast were reunited to perform their roles for the very final episode which took over a year to bring to fruition with Jeremy Lloyd once again penning the script. With a number of the cast sadly no longer living, it was obvious a slightly new format would need to be adopted in order to make the episode credible. This was ingeniously achieved by devising a new storyline inter dispersed with clips from past shows and interviews from the actors. Thus we arrive at Café Rene some 15 years after the end of the war to find Rene writing his memoirs. Yvette, still working at the café, is as ever by Rene’s side longing for the day he is to make an honest woman of her, Officer Crabtree has settled in Nouvion and remains as the village policeman while various familiar faces come and go reviving memories of days gone by. For Vicki it was both an exciting and emotional experience. ‘We actually recorded the new episode in Manchester,’ she explains.

‘As with the old series, it was performed in front of a live audience most of whom came dressed as their favourite character. Unbelievably we had over 4000 requests for 200 tickets. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the reception we all got when we walked out, it was just amazing. Being back on the set again gave me goose bumps, it was almost as though I had never left it and we all just fell straight back into character.’ The publicity the new show generated was equally incredible with Vicki making TV guest appearances on This Morning, Richard and Judy, Breakfast TV and GMTV in addition to radio interviews on UK and European networks. The programme was broadcast on BBC 2 on Saturday 28th April 2007 at 9pm and was followed by a repeat of a classic episode from the mid 80’s Click here for a link to the BBC Entertainment Site for a clip from the making of the show. Photos © Rex Features Ltd.

RTS Awards During the summer of 2007, Vicki was delighted to receive a telephone call from Objective North, the production company responsible for the making of The Return of Allo Allo, informing her that the show had been nominated for two Royal television Society (RTS) Awards. The RTS Awards are the Gold Standard of achievement in the television community and recognise excellence over the entire range of programme making and broadcasting skills. The Return of Allo Allo was nominated in the categories of Best Comedy Programme and the highly prestigious top award of Best Network Entertainment Programme. The episode was written by Allo Allo’s now legendary original writer Jeremy Lloyd and filmed in two sections, the cast interviews taking place at Objective Productions studio in County Hall, London during the February of 2007. The scripted performance was filmed in Manchester some two moths later. Directed by Martin Dennis, the programme boasted a large production team all of whom were present at the awards Ceremony in Manchester at The Hilton Hotel. The event was hosted by Coronation Street’s Kym Rider and the multi-talented Bradley Walsh in front of a star studded audience.

As nearly always the case in such instances, Vicki was completely unaware of the forthcoming outcome as she travelled to Manchester for the ceremony. “I had absolutely no idea of any of the winning shows”, she explains. “I thought we had a pretty good chance given the massive demand for tickets and audience response but I don’t think any of us really expected it would be the big one”. But the big one it was as The Return of Allo Allo scooped the top award of Best Network Entertainment Programme. Vicki and Jeremy Lloyd accepted the award accompanied by the production team. “It was the most amazing feeling”, said Vicki “So exciting and yes, we did all get just a little bit drunk”! 25th Anniversary Tour The 25th Anniversary Claibre stage production of Allo Allo opened at the Gordon Craig Theatre, Stevenage on the 29th August to a packed house, howls of laughter and thunderous applause. It was quite simply, the kind of First Night every actor dreams of and well founded as the show continued to attract near capacity audiences and similar response throughout its initial three month run across the UK.

This not only emphasised the iconic status to which Allo Allo has risen but reinforces the fact that the comic genius of Lloyd and Croft’s creations are able to transcend the boundaries of political correctness and time and simply make their audience laugh out loud, irrespective of age or background. Such was the success of this tour that the show will visit another eighteen venues nationwide beginning in March 2009. The new production uses the original stage script of the 1980’s which enjoyed great success both in London’s West End and on tour around the UK, Australia and New Zealand. There are a few additions and tweaks here and there but the basis of the original conception has been left the same. Only Vicki, reprising her role of Yvette remains from the original cast. She does so with as much energy and sex appeal as she did twenty five years ago prompting many critics to write that for her, ‘time appears to have had stood still’. It is no surprise therefore that she generates great audience reaction to which end no one is more delighted than Vicki herself not least as she never expected to be playing the role again.

Vicki feels the tour largely came about as the result of the immense success of The Return of Allo Allo which won an RTS television award in 2007, however, she does admit to thinking long and hard before accepting the role. Indeed it was at one point muted that she might play the role of Madame Edith but this idea was quickly squashed by the writers. ‘I really was in two minds about the whole thing’, she explains. ‘Then Jeff rang me and said he was going to play Rene and he is a good mate that I thought it would be great to work with him again. But I didn’t make up my mind completely until the producers suggested I go and see their version of Dad’s Army which was touring at the time. It was so brilliantly done, I couldn’t refuse’. Taking on the mantle of Rene Artois is the brilliant Jeffrey Holland best known for his portrayals of Spike in Hi de Hi, Twelvetrees in You Rang M’Lord and Cecil Parkin in Oh Dr Beeching. They are joined by Judy Buxton as Michelle of the Resistance and a host of very talented actors all of whom bear an uncanny resemblance to their predecessors.

When the tour resumes in 2009 there will have been a two month break. Does this mean Vicki will have to look at her script again? ‘That’s the best bit’, she laughs. ‘I’ve done this play so often it all comes back the minute you start’. So does Vicki think this is the last time she will play Yvette? ‘I think so now’. She replies thoughtfully. ‘It was such an iconic series, you don’t really want to do anything to detract from it and this hasn’t I think but I can’t play Yvette forever’, she laughs again. Photos © Joe Bangay & Robert Workman Photos © Joe Bangay & Robert Workman 'Allo 'Allo! - Wikiquote 'Allo 'Allo! Jump to: navigation , search 'Allo 'Allo! (1982–1992) was a TV-series, broadcast on the British television channel BBC1 . The show's premise was not to make fun of the war but to spoof war-based film and TV dramas. Contents [René is trying to work out who is working for the Resistance] René : Are you one of them? Lt.

Gruber : It was very lonely on the Russian front. LeClerc : Is he one of us? René: No, he is one of them! Gruber: Please, do not tell everybody! [The British airmen are cycling along the left side of a road on the way to Nouvion dressed as onion sellers] Carstairs : Pretty place France, don’t you think so, Fairfax? Napoleon planted all these trees, you know? Fairfax : Wonder when he had time to fight any battles? Carstairs: He didn’t do it personally, fathead. He had them planted to keep the sun off his troops while they were marching up and down... Do you notice that when ever we pass these peasant people they seem to stare at us in a rather odd way? Fairfax: Maybe, because you’re driving a girl's bicycle. Carstairs: Perhaps we’re doing something wrong. [A car drives by and almost crushes into them] Carstairs: Fairfax, I think I’ve cracked it. We’re riding on the wrong side of the road! [Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are admiring their newly stolen treasures] Geering : It is not much to look at, Herr Colonel.

Colonel : Hans, you ignorant peasant, this is probably the first cuckoo-clock ever made. Absolutely priceless. Und this, this is the Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp, which will be worth a fortune after the war. Geering: Is it wise to have it in your office? Colonel: Who can see it apart from Helga? Geering: Come to think of it, it looks a little like Helga. Colonel: You too? [Herr Flick has mixed up the original Fallen Madonna with two forgeries and needs Helga's help to identify the real one] Herr Flick : I have three fallen Madonnas, with six big boobies. Only one of them is real. Helga : Only one big booby? Flick. One painting is the original, the other two are forgeries. [Officer Crabtree has just arrived by parachute dressed as a policeman] Officer Crabtree : I am disgeesed as poloceman so I am oble to move aboot with complate frodom. [Herr Flick and Helga are in Herr Flick's secret headquarters] Helga : You're looking pensive Herr Flick.

Herr Flick : I'm trying to decide what to do with you tonight. I might take you to the movies. Helga: What is showing? Herr Flick: Anything we want. Or we could stay here and amuse ourselves. I have a box of sharp needles somewhere. (Helga looks a little nervous) Ah, here they are. Helga: What have you in mind Herr Flick? Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone, and many records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing. Helga: (surprised) Hitler's speeches, quite amusing? Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck. [René is on the telephone to the communist resistance to ask them to blow up a train] René : How much?! Now look here. It is just one little train. Well surely you could do it for a bit less than that. Is that your rock - bottom price? Well hang on a minute. [Puts down telephone, opens the till. Checks cash, and goes back to the telephone]. No, no, I cannot go to that [pause]. Well how would it be if we supplied the explosives?

[panics slightly] No, no I do not want to leave my name, no, it is just an enquiry! [Helga is standing in a corner of Herr Flicks headquarters] Herr Flick: Let that be a lesson to you. Never again will you burn my toast. Officer Crabtree : I have good nose. René : Yes, yes, you are very handsome... Officer Crabtree: The troon carrying the painting has been bummed by the RAF. René: Bummed by the RAF?! Col. Von Strohm / Captain Geering : Bummed by the RAF⁉ Lt. Gruber : What have the naughty RAF been up to now? René: They bombed an munition train. Captain Geering: Did they destroy it? Officer Crabtree: There were little pisses all over the track. [Colonel Von Strohm and Captain Geering are planning to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen] Colonel : Hans, have you got the weedkiller? Geering : Even better - the chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and...

[impersonates a dead person] all is quiet on the Western Front. Colonel: Are you sure it'll work? Geering: Yes. I told him it was for you. [Captain Geering is putting the plan to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen into action] Geering: The Colonel gave you a pill. Where is it? René :I have the pill in the till. Geering: Wheere is the vine for the General? René: It is here in this jug. Geering: The pill contains a drug. René: The pill in the till? Geering: Take it and put it in there. René: Put the drug in the jug? Gruber : (Comes in with the Gateau) We nearly forgot the most important thing. René: (panic) Oh, my God! The Gateau from the Chateau! Geering: What about the Gateau from the Chateau? René: It contains a bomb!!! Geering: A bomb in the Gateau from the Chateau??? René: It is to blow up the General! You must not let anyone light that fuse. Geering: But where is the fuse?

René: It is the candle with the handle. Geering: You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau! René: Simple plots are always the best. [A tailor prepares an outfit for Helga that Herr Flick will find appropriate for the Gestapo Ball] Herr Flick : We can't have you going to the Gestapo Ball looking any old how. [Herr Flick sings the "Traditional Gestapo Dance" set to the tune of " The Hokey Cokey "] Herr Flick: You put your left boot in, you put your left boot out! You do a lot of shouting and you shake your fist about. You light a little smokey and you burn down the town, that's what it's all about! [While executing a lopsided turn] Ahhh, Himmler, Himmler, Himmler!

[Madame Fanny has been spending forged money in the hat shop] Crabtree : Good Moaning, I have come to arost your mither. Yvette : Arrest her mother? Why, what has she done? Crabtree: She has been pissing fudged bank notes in the hit shop. Edith : What does Crabtree say, Yvette? Yvette: I think he means "she has been passing forged bank notes in the hat shop. Crabtree: Presoasly René (Dressed like Fanny, doing a poor impression of her): Edith, remind him he is supposed to be on our side. Crabtree: Who is the ugly old bog in the bed beside your mother? Fanny : I have been asking the same question. René (takes off his wig): It is I, Rene. Crabtree: My Gid that was a god disgeese, I was complotely decieved by the wog. René: Edith, give him 500 francs from the till and tell him to pass off. Crabtree: There is no need to be rode.

[Herr Flick's car is flattened by a steam roller driven by Captain Geering] Herr Flick : Who has squashed my Gestapo staff car? Colonel Von Strohm: It was Captain Geering, Herr Flick. Captain Geering: [Nervously] Heil Hilter. Herr Flick: This is very serious... The Gestapo is only insured third party. Pretty Maids All in a Row [ edit ] [Edith has 'shot' the two airmen with Captain Geering's gun, then handed the gun back to him] Officer Crabtree : I was pissing by the door, when I heard two shats. You are holding in your hand a smoking goon; you are clearly the guilty potty. [He staggers down the stairs after Mimi roughed him up "showing him the paintings", he finially collapses on the floor gibbering, trying to say something to Lt. Gruber] Captain Bertorelli: Whatever you do, don't-a you make a pass at the girls. René : Don't worry, he won't.

[Officer Crabtree enters the cafe walking very gingerly] Officer Crabtree : I am wicking this woo because my poloceman's troosers are full of deenamote . [Edith discovers René and Yvette embracing in the larder] Edith : René! What are you doing with your arms around that girl? René : You stupid woman? Can you not see she's suffering from claustrophobia? She accidentally locked herself in the larder. Edith: But there is no key! René: Exactly, that's why she couldn't get out. Edith: Oh, the poor child. Oh, it happened to me once. I screamed and screamed, but nobody came. René: We thought you were singing. [René has just survived an attempt on his life by the Communist Resistance, in retaliation for the events of the previous episode] Edith : He is dead! René : I am not dead, you silly cow! [René goes to the Gendarmerie (police station) as he continues to look for somewhere safe to hide from Denise Laroque. Watch this on YouTube ] René : Service!

Is this a police station or a mortuary? (He rings the bell on the counter) Crabtree : Would you please stop bonging the bill, or I shall lick you up for disturbing the puss. René: Office Crabtree, it is I, René Artois (He removes his false beard). Will you lock me up, please? Crabtree: Are you confessing to some cream? René: Yes. Cream galore! Crabtree: In that curse, you must fill in a foam. Here is a list of creams. I will tick what you have din. Murder? René: No. René: What is "arsin"? Crabtree: Setting fire to places. René: Ah! My life is in danger, so I will confess to all of these things, as long as you lock me up. Crabtree: I see. Unfortunately, all the sills are filled to caposity. Could you come back next woke? René: Oh my God! Why do I pay rates? [René has been captured by the Communist Resistance and brought to Denise Laroque. She forgives him] Denise : Now, hold me. Kiss me.

Crush your lips with my lips, and tell me you will never leave me again. René : (Mumbled, as she kisses him) I will never leave you again. General Von Klinkerhoffen : It has come to the ears of the Fuhrer that two of the latest Mark Six landmines are missing from this district. He has of course flown into one of his familiar rages. Lt. Gruber : Has he eaten the carpet? General Von Klinkerhoffen: No. But he's done a lot of no-good to a reproduction of the Bayeux Tapestry. Colonel Von Strohm : Do you think he has a screw loose? General Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set has fallen apart in there. [Edith asks René for smelling salts but he tells her they have run out] Edith :I must put up my nose more mothballs!

[General Von Klinkerhoffen has just been told by Lieutenant Gruber and General Von Flockenstaffen than the Colonel, Herr Flick and Herr Von Smallhausen are being held to ransom by the Resistance, and has decided they can be sacrificed] Von Flockenstuffen : Piggy old boy, when was the last time you had a holiday? Von Klinkerhoffen : Badenbaden '38. You were both there. We went to a fancy dress ball at the baths. I went as Atilla the Hun. Von Flockenstuffen: [On the phone] Get me the military hospital. Fruitcake department. A Quiet Honeymoon [ edit ] [Helga arrives at Herr Flick's headquarters] Herr Flick : My spies inform me that the old lady from the cafe and her geriatric husband have been jailed for flying an unlicensed bed in military airspace. [Herr Flick wants to interrogate Madame Fanny, who is in jail, by getting Von Smallhausen arrested too] Helga : What crime will this very common-looking criminal commit Herr Flick? Herr Flick: It is not yet decided.

Helga: Could he not climb into the Colonel's office and steal the petty cash? Herr Flick: That is a good idea Helga. My dazzling brilliance is obviously rubbing off on you. As a reward you may kiss me. [Colonel Von Strohm is in a bad mood with Von Flockenstuffen and takes it out on Captain Bertorelli] Colonel Von Strohm : Get out, and whilst you're out why don't you kill a chicken and get your hat restuffed. Captain Bertorelli : Good idea. I go and chase a bird or two. (Pinches Helga's bottom on the way out.) [General Von Klinkerhoffen is in hospital in a straitjacket. He is talking into the telephone which is next to the fruit bowl when General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber visit] General Von Klinkerhoffen : Hello Operator. Get me Berlin at once. Operator: I'll give you a line and you can dial the number yourself. Von Klinkerhoffen: You incompetent idiot. Come back. [General Von Flockenstuffen and Lieutenant Gruber enter the room] Von Flockenstuffen : Yes.

I hope the General will be well enough to come out for a period of convalescence. Von Klinkerhoffen: What is your name, rank and number? Talk to me. If you will not reply I will have you court martialed. Gruber : [Aside to Von Flockenstuffen] He's talking to the fruit. Von Flockenstuffen: On second thoughts, I think we'll keep him in for the time being. [Edith implores René to help Madame Fanny to escape from jail] Edith : Mama is not well. How will she endure the hardships of prison life? The isolation, the damp, the lack of gin? René: She is only the local nick. She has not been sent to Devil's Island... Yet, anyway. [Michèlle appears and wants to make sure she and René are alone] Michèlle : Is the coast clear? René : We are fifty miles from the coast! How would I know? Lt. Gruber : You were always a Twitcher. René : I'm still Twitching. Helga : Herr Flick, where are you?

Herr Flick : I am behind this screen with von Smallhausen. Helga: May I inquire to what you are up? Herr Flick: We have taken off our clothes in accordance with the Fuhrer's instructions. Helga: What exactly did the Fuhrer ask you to do? [To Yvette] René: When we are too old to make love, we will make wonderful soup. Madame Fanny: Even in heaven, they know about my bad legs. Madame Fanny: An old woman lies here growing weak from lack of nourishment! Monsieur Alfonse: Pardon, mademoiselle. I keep forgetting that we Frenchmen have a tradition...of having it off like rabbits. (Disguised as a priest during the wedding of René to Denise Laroque) Officer Crabtree: Dearly belivid. We are gathered here todoo to join this min and this women in haley weedlock. Officer Crabtree: We will goo oot the bock wee. Officer Crabtree: This is rosky in day light. Can you not wait until it is dick? Officer Crabtree: A bum.

Officer Crabtree: Then they will be taken to the arbour where a small boot will be waiting by the dis-used dick. Officer Crabtree: A pissy up a tree? Officer Crabtree: Do not wirry, Ronnie... Officer Crabtree: I'm half Itolioen. I'm from Niples. Officer Crabtree: See Niples and do. [On answering the telephone] Herr Flick: Flick, the Gestapo... No, I said FLICK, the Gestapo. [After blowing up the Gestapo staff car] Herr Flick: I will not be informing Berlin of this incident. I do not wish to look a right nana. [To Helga, who is trying to break an eggshell] Herr Flick: Hit it hard with your spoon. They always break in the end. [Helga has given Herr Flick a passionate kiss] Herr Flick: Six out of Ten. [On the telephone to Himmler] Herr Flick: But uncle, you cannot expect me to shoot everyone in the town. I'm unpopular enough as it is! Captain Bertorelli: Hey! Where's all the beautiful girls?

'Allo 'Allo (TV Series 1982–1992) - Plot Summary - IMDb - Written by Murray Chapman <muzzle@cs.uq.oz.au> René Artois is the owner and manager of a café in German-occupied France of World War II. To look at him, it's hard to believe that some women find him irresistible, something he has to work hard to hide from his wife Edith. René's café, frequented by both the German military and the French resistance, is the focal point for the show. René's a bit of a coward and is stuck in the middle, trying to humor both sides. Hidden in the café are two English airmen who don't understand a word of French. Other characters include Lt. Gruber, a homosexual German tank driver; Otto Flick, the evil SS officer who is always outsmarted; and Engelbert von Smallhausen, his small sidekick. René's not the only coward in town: Captain Hans Geering and Colonel Kurt von Strohm are constantly on the defensive, along with Captain Alberto Bertorelli of the Italian army who has a medal for servicing Fiats.

Much of the farce comes from Officer Crabtree, an British agent disguised as a French policeman with a poor grasp of "Zee Fronch Linguige," and from René's amorous waitresses, Mimi, Yvette, and Maria. - Written by Rob Hartill In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He is also an unwilling agent of the Germans, mostly under the command of Col. Kurt von Strohm, and of the French Resistance, under the command of Michelle Dubois ("Listen very carefully; I shall say this only once"). René is married to aged Edith, who is the worst singer in the world, but he finds that young women find him sexy. Most of the plots include planning the murder of the local commanding German officer, General Erich von Klinkerhoffen, as well as the ownership of a painting called "The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies"--a painting that everybody would love to get their hands on to sell after the war. He has also two downed idiot British airmen who, as time goes by, are impossible to get rid of. The main opposition is the insane SS officer Otto Flick.

René tries to complete the German and the Fench Resistance's plans, even though he's a coward and wonders if he's going to get out of the war alive. Allo! Allo! Fan Reviews & Ratings - TV.com Listen very carefully. I shall say this only once! 10 By frosty_ice , Jan 16, 2011 That was the funniest line in the show, spoken by Michelle, leader of the French resistance. This was a comedy like none other, which demonstrtates that the British are masters when it comes to making us laugh. Set during World War II, 'Allo 'Allo! tells the story of René Artois, a French café owner in the village of Nouvion. The Germans have occupied the village and stolen all of its valuable artefacts. These include the first cuckoo clock ever made and a painting of The Fallen Madonna by Van Klomp (known to those who have seen it as The Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies). The local commandant has decided to keep them for himself after the war and forces René to hide the painting in his café.

Hitler also wants the painting, and sends Herr Otto Flick of the Gestapo to the town to find it. Flick, in turn, conspires to keep it. The paintings are duplicated by a forger, get mixed up and put in knackwurst sausages. One is sent to Hitler on an ammunition train, which gets blown up, one is hidden, and the other is eaten for dinner by Flick himself. This is just one of the many things that happen in that series. Among the most memorable characters are René, the owner of the café, Edith, his wife and possibly the worst singer in France at the time, Yvette and Mimi, the café waitresses who hated the Nazis, Michelle, the leader of the French resistance, Mousier Alfonse, the undertaker, Officer Crabtree, a British spy posing as a French police officer, who thought he knew how to speak French fluently but was actually pretty bad, the British airmen Fairfax and Carstairs, Herr Flick, the local Gestapo agent, among many others. The cast was very good, and even today they are all regarded as one of the greatest casts to ever been chosen for a sitcom.

I give this one a 10 out of 10, for still making me laugh until this day. DO YOU AGREE?

Question: What is the first name of Rene’s wife in the UK tv series ‘Allo ‘Allo!?
Answer: Edith