BBC NEWS | Business | The death of cheap lager The death of cheap lager By Brian Wheeler BBC News Online business reporter The decision to kill off Hofmeister and other low-strength lagers, marks the end of an era in British culture - and in advertising. As advertising icons go, George, the Hofmeister bear, lacked a certain glamour. A pork-pie hat wearing figure in a shiny velour jacket, he was invariably surrounded by a group of generic Cockney geezers marvelling at his skills with a snooker cue. For a brief period in the 1980s the UK's drinkers seemed happy to "follow the bear". But George's antics quickly palled and the ads now look as dated as an episode of Minder. Nobody wants to follow the bear any more So news last week that Scottish and Newcastle (S&N) is to axe Hofmeister along with a raft of other long-neglected lager brands including Kestrel and McEwans, came as little surprise. Few tears will be shed by members of the Campaign for Real Ale at the demise of these low-strength, low flavour beers.

But for aficionados of Britain's drinking culture - and students of advertising - it surely marks the end of an era. Pint-drinking culture The 3.2% "standard" lager is a peculiarly British institution - the product of a peculiar mix of economics and cultural factors. Millions of Britons returned from their first package holidays in the 1960s and early '70s with a taste for lager. This continental brew was stronger than the real ale they were used to drinking - at 5% alcohol content - and served in smaller measures than the traditional British pint pot. Heineken emphasises refreshment over potency The breweries liked lager because it could be served from bottles and cans easier than traditional British ale. But they were worried that the British drinker could not consume the stronger beer in the large volumes they were used to - and the breweries needed to keep their profits up. So the first lagers created for the UK market were watered down versions of their continental cousins, brewed for a shorter period of time and, therefore, with less flavour. Enter Hofmeister, Harp, Carling, Skol and a dozen other "standard lagers".

The apparently thankless task of selling this weak and flavourless fizz was handed to the marketing department. The result was some of the most memorable advertising ever created. Random lagers Heineken hit on the much copied formula of emphasising "refreshment", masking its lack of potency with its thirst quenching qualities. Managing to position something as reassuringly expensive, when it isn't, is hard to beat in marketing terms Drinks analyst Kevin Baker While Carling's long-running "I bet he drinks..." formula cornered the market in matey camaraderie and surreal humour, catapulting the brand into first place in the UK market, a position it holds to this day. What spurred the advertising creatives on was the need to differentiate between virtually identical products - or "random lagers" as one long-forgotten ad had it. That and the millions being thrown at the market by the breweries. But their earlier ads were recognised as classics Pretty soon adland had a new mantra - "People don't drink lager they drink advertising". But the best was yet to come. Great British lager Marketers have always made the most of lager's "brand heritage", deliberately hyping up its exotic foreign roots - even though it is invariably brewed in the UK.

The only known attempt to create a self-consciously British lager - GB - ended in failure. The ill-fated brew was dispensed from a large bar-mounted bathroom tap, to emphasise its quirky no-nonsense British charm. As a drink, it was essentially a smoother, slightly weaker version of the best-selling Stella Artois. But it was withdrawn earlier this year by new owners Interbrew - in favour of a new marketing push for old Australian favourite Castlemaine XXXX. "GB actually did quite well in the test areas, but we decided in the end that it was better to build up an existing brand, rather than start from scratch," an Interbrew spokeswoman told BBC News Online. 'Reassuringly inexpensive' The plain fact is Britain has always liked its lager to have a foreign accent. And this was never more apparent than in the British love affair with Stella Artois - possibly the biggest marketing triumph of them all. When Stella - a Belgian beer brewed in Wales and sold on its French heritage - was unveiled in the 1980s, it caused something of a stir in marketing circles.

Its "reassuringly expensive" tag line looked like commercial suicide - and was met with anger by the company's bemused sales reps. But the aspirational tone chimed perfectly with the times. Unlike the lumpen Hofmeister devotee, the Stella drinker liked the finer things in life and was not afraid to pay for them. Sophistication The irony, of course, is that Stella has become about as mass market as it is possible to be. "Managing to position something as reassuringly expensive, when it isn't, is hard to beat in marketing terms. "In fact, Stella is anything but expensive. It is on discount nearly everywhere you go," says Kevin Baker, of drinks analyst Canadean. The television ads for Stella ooze quality and continental sophistication. But they are created specifically for the UK market. Elsewhere in Europe, Stella advertising is more cheap and cheerful. It helps, of course, that Stella is considerably stronger than its predecessors. 'Fuller flavour' Despite initial fears, the British drinker has risen heroically to the challenge of sinking export strength lager by the pintful.

"There is definitely a move towards more premium beers within the UK market, coming more into line with Europe, with a pint of beer being 5% rather than 3.5%," says Kevin Baker. "Because of the volume we drink, our lager has traditionally been weaker. But you are seeing Carling - which is still the market leader - making a point of the fact that their beer is brewed to 4.2% for a fuller flavour," he adds. What chance does Hofmeister - at a puny 3.2% - stand in this brave new world? But the weakness of the liquid is not what ultimately killed Hofmeister and the other standard lagers. Sticky carpets Much has changed in lagerland over the past 20 years. More women are now drinking pints. Alco-pops have appeared on the scene. And some people have even stopped going to pubs altogether, preferring to stay at home - drinking wine. Even Carling has dropped the blokey double-act that dominated its TV ads for so many years, in favour of a more surreal gender-neutral approach. One recent ad saw a man cleaning out a toilet bowl with his tongue, encouraged by his watching girlfriend.

It's all a far cry from sticky-carpeted locals and cheeky Cockney geezers. And that, ultimately is why Hofmeister - and the other standard lagers - had to die. They belonged to a time when lager was still slightly exotic, something to be approached with caution - preferably in the reassuring company of your mates in the local pub. Or failing that, a bear in a pork pie hat. UK television adverts 1955-1985 • Children’s songs and games Drinks (alcoholic) There were virtually no advertisements for spirits into the 1960s (due to a secret cartel between the manufacturers) Ansells Bitter: 1983 Showing lads’ night out, with laughing and drinking. Ansell's Bitter men, you can’t beat them. Babycham (1) [with a baby chamois deer] Babycham? I’d love a Babycham, The genuine champagne perry. Mine’s a Babycham!

Babycham (3) A man in a bar asks for a Babycham, and it goes very quiet and everyone looks on in horror Cool, tough-looking black guy: Hey, I’ll have a Babycham!” Then everybody wants one. Bring out your best — Bud light Budweiser (3) For all you do, this Bud’s for you! Budweiser (4) Budweiser — the King of beers! Budweiser (5) When you say “Budweiser” you’ve said it all! Budweiser (6) This Bud’s for you. True. Bulmers Cider: 1968 Bulmer’s Strongbow Cider (1) [William Tell shooting apple off his son’s head: but what were the words?] Bulmer’s Strongbow Cider (2) Live to loaf! Bulmer’s Strongbow Cider (3) ... It's refreshing and clean If you know what I mean, And sparkles a bit in the glass.... So the next time you're out for the evening and ... A change is as good as a rest Have a Strongbow or two And keep smiling through, ’Cos Strongbow's a pint of the best.

Bulmer’s Strongbow Cider (4): c.1970 Strong as your thirst! Based on “Je suis un rock star” by Bill Wyman Girl: Went to a cocktail bar … in Leicester Square Met this bloke …said he was a millionaire, Bought me a drink … called Calviere Sounds a bit French … and it’s made with pears. Man: C’est Française … like what I am, Je suis un rock star … j’ai un residarnce, Un grand château …à la south of France.” Girl: Get away! You work in the chip shop around the corner! [Screenshot of Calviere being poured into a Babycham type glass with a cherry] Campari: 1977 Gentleman: It’s very odd, I don’t even know your name — but after this one Campari and soda, I feel I almost know you. May I freshen your glass? Er, soda of course? Cockney girl: No, lemonade! Cockney girl: Yeah, nice colour innit? Voice-over: Campari with soda, with lemonade, with tonic — but always with pleasure.

Gentleman: Were you truly wafted here from paradise? Cockney girl: No, Luton airport! [with Lorraine Chase] I bet he drinks Carling Black Label. Carling Black Label (3) An old fisherman salt battles with a giant squid and torrential weather, then bursts through the pub door saying: I’ve never known a night like it … and I ain’t looking forward to the journey home neither! One customer to another: I bet he drinks Carling Black Label! Then the pub is shown -- built on a small island in the middle of a boating lake, with a sign outside saying “Row boats for hire”…. Carling Black Label (4) Scene: Two men flying in an aeroplane, and a window cleaner starts working on the outside of their window First passenger: Bet he drinks Carling Black Label! Second passenger: Naaah! he’s missed a bit. Carling Black Label (5) Your best bet for a fuller flavour — Carling Black Label lager. Carling Black Label (5): 1981 Carling (Carling Black label) I’ve got it right — my Jack’s favourite one! He says it saves him money!

Carling Black Label I’ve got this — he’s got that! I’ve got it right — end of chat! Carling Black Label — get it right! [A variant commercial has: “We’ve got it right: no frills, no fuss, it’s OK by us!” as the spoken lines.] ?Carling: 1970s Scene: a Birmingham curry house. A man is quietly scoffing the main course in mixed company, who begin to notice his apparent discomfort and that he’s beginning to puff, obviously feeling the heat. Woman companion: Eh, ’e’s looking really flushed…. Curry eater: Nah, it’s all right this. The lager they order for him clearly quenches his needs. Woman companion: Bet that’s cooled his biryani. Carlsberg lager: 1973 Mankind sometimes sees things in a rather peculiar way. We often admire works of art almost because of their imperfections. (a few bars of the unfinished symphony played here) The Danes however, believe there are one … or two exceptions. (Two pints of Carlsberg shown) Carlsberg! probably the best lager in the world!

Cherry B Cherry B, Cherry B, Cherry B, It’s the cherry wine with the zing, zing, zing! Cherry B, Cherry B, Cherry B, It’s the sparkling drink for me! Cherry Heering liqueur Of all the bars in the world, you had to walk into mine. Cinzano Bianco (2): 1970 Cinzano Bianco … with the bright lights taste! Cinzano Bianco (3): 1978 [Spanish restaurant: Leonard Rossiter as “Nebbish” opposite Joan Collins as “Melissa”] Nebbish: Erm, do you have a Cinzano of some sort, por favor? Waiter: Yes sir, there is Cinzano Rosso, Dry, Bianco, and Rosé. Nebbish: Ah, the complete set! I’ll have a Cinzano Bianco — shaken not stirred hah! Gracias! Aah! How they still achieve that blend of herbs and spices, I’ll never know! Melissa: Hello! Nebbish: Ah, Melissa darling — you’re early! [Looks at his watch and spills his drink down Melissa’s front] Would you like a Cinzano?

Melissa: No thank you — I’ve just had one! Cinzano Bianco (4) [Aeroplane: Leonard Rossiter as “Nebbish” opposite Joan Collins as “Melissa”] Stewardess: Your Cinzano Bianco, Signora. Melissa: Thank you. Nebbish: Ah yes, gracias. Stewardess: Ah due? Nebbish: On, no, no, no, no, mine was a Cinzano as well…. Ah, now that’s better. Oh, can’t you just smell those Italian wines, suffused with herbs and spices from four continents! Melissa (in unison): … suffused with herbs and spices from four continents! Nebbish: I’m being boring. [Knocks into Melissa] Oh, sorry. Sorry. [Tips Melissa’s seat right back] Getting your head down, dear? Jolly good idea. Voiceover: From the House of Cinzano: Cinzano Bianco. Coates Cider Coates comes up from Somerset, Where the cider apples grow, There’s nothing like sweet cider To make a party go.

[Understood to have been sung by Adge Cutler and The Wurzels] Cockburn’s Special Reserve port: 1980 Set on a Titanic-style lifeboat, with upper- and working-class survivors. The captain, played by Robin Bailey has only managed to save one bottle of port. A lady (played by Rosalind Knight) says: Did anyone bring the petits fours? Cockburn’s Vintage Port (Scene: Port wine cellar in the Douro Valley) Elderly local man (subtitles are used): When do you think it will be ready? Cellar man: Five … maybe six years. Elderly local: So soon?! Voiceover: Cockburn’s Vintage Port — better late than never! Cointreau (1) The juice of or-an-ges, ripened in the midday sun. Cointreau (2): 1974 Thees Cointreau and ice is like zee warmth of we French and zee cool of you Engleesh…. Voilà! zee ice she melts! Colt 45 (American malt beer) (1) Any Tom Mack or Walt Who likes the taste of malt, Will enjoy the malt in a Colt 45.

Colt 45 (American malt beer) (2): 1960s If you feel like a malt liquor, Don’t be tempted to drink it quicker, Drink it with grace, Sip it at a snail’s pace, And remember … Never bolt a Colt. Courage AK Bitter [?]: 1970s Two men are sitting in a bar Voiceover: Both these men fancied a change from their usual pint. George here's trying a pint of crème de coconut shandy lime, with a stick of celery and topped with three maraschino cherries — very different from his usual pint. Charlie's trying a pint of ?Courage AK bitter, a clean tasting beer with a slightly more bitter taste than his usual pint. [Cut to glasses side-by-side with the levels going down … or not] Barman's voice: Same again Charlie? Charlie: Yes, please. Barman's voice: Same again George? George: No thanks. Voiceover: Courage AK bitter(?). Different … but not that different! Courage Beer (1) It’s what your right arm’s for! Courage Beer (2) Mine’s a pint of Best, gertcha, Courage Best!

Courage Tavern Keg Bitter, c.1970 Barmaid (Andrea Lawrence) serving a man with a pint of Tavern Keg) tells him that she doesn’t know what men see in beer. The customer offers her a taste of his pint, and sshe laboriously picks it up with both hands, takes a small sip, and pulls a face. Barmaid: Oooh, I don’t like it. But I like the men who drink it! Croft Original Sherry: 1985 Bertie: You know Jeeves — there’s only one snag about spending the weekend here with Lord Glastonbury … Jeeves: His Lordship’s sherry, Sir? Bertie: Absolutely Jeeves! Jeeves: That’s why, Sir, I took the liberty of bringing a bottle of your Croft Original. Bertie: Oh Jeeves! Top hole! Beats me why the old buffer doesn’t get some in! Jeeves: Well, Glastonbury is very set in his ways, Sir. I fear he regards a cream sherry like Croft Original— with its light delicate colour — as somewhat too modern for him!

Bertie: Sheer nectar Jeeves! Compared to this jolly old brown stuff, Croft’s a clear winner! I say Jeeves: clear winner! That’s a joke! Jeeves: Very nearly, Sir! Voice-over: Croft Original Pale Cream Sherry — one instinctively knows when something is right! Cutty Sark Whisky (1): 1973 Don’t give up the ship! Cutty Sark Whisky (2) Davenport’s Beer at Home: 1960s Beer at home means Davenports! That’s the beer! The finest malt with hops and yeast, Turns a snack into a feast. Straight from breweries to your home, Why collect? Soon you’ll know why folks all say: “Beer at home means DAVENPORTS”! De Kuyper cherry brandy (Seasonal Christmas UK TV Promo, c.1966) This year buy cherry brandy from Ke Duyper … Kuyp Deer! … er Keep Dyar! … (ahem) … This year buy cherry brandy from De Kuyper!” Dewar’s Scotch Whisky Amber bright, plenty of body! Double Diamond — the beer the men drink!

Double Diamond (2): 1968 A Double Diamond works wonders, Works wonders, works wonders, A Double Diamond works wonders, So drink one today! [Tune: “There’s a hole in my bucket”] Double Diamond (3) I’m only here for the beer: it’s Double Diamond! Double Diamond (4): mid-1970s My uncle brews beer in a plastic dustbin, He keeps it in the yard for days on end. A pint costs half a p But it tastes like stagnant tea, A sniff of it would drive you round the bend. So if I go and stay with my old uncle, I have to take an extra case with me. Wherever you may roam You’re never far from home ’Cos you know where you are with DD. “No thank you, Uncle!” You know where you are with DD! Double Maxim Oh, pour me a Double Maxim, The one with the special flavour, Oh, pour me a Double Maxim, The greatest of beers! Oh we all love a Double Maxim, The one with the special flavour, Oh we all love a Double Maxim, The greatest of beers! (1) Dubonnet, s’il vous plaît.

(2) Do ’ave a Dubonnet. Emva Cream Sherry: 1983 [One of a series of Emva adverts starring “Hinge and Bracket”] Dame Hilda Bracket: (Singing at the piano) Tra-la-la, cough, cough. Dr Evadne Hinge:You sound in need of lubrication! Hilda: Lubrication dear?! I’m no Morris Minor dear! Evadne: No, but something rich, warming — Emva Cream perhaps? Hilda: Emva Cream! … Delicious! I feel I can hit a top C and hold it for hours! Evadne: Well, don’t expect me to accompany you! Hilda: Oh no dear, and for high C’s I shall choose a sailor! Ha-ha! Voice-over: Emva Cream — by appointment to the upper bracket! Emva Cream Sherry (2): 1983 (Evadne is at the piano — Hilda enters the room) Hilda: That’s a pretty piece dear! Evadne: It’s Verdi’s Drinking Song dear! Hilda: Ah-hah! and … you want your Emva Cream don’t you?

Evadne: Frankly, I thought you’d never ask! Hilda: Oh sorry dear … patience is a virtue as well as an opera, ha-ha-ha! Evadne: Mm, delicious Emva Cream dear — such a pleasure after wrestling with Verdi for hours! Hilda: Who-o won? Voice-over: Emva Cream Cyprus sherry — by appointment to the upper bracket! Flowers Fine Ales For the best picket in a brew flade, pick Flowers (Stanley Unwin) Foster’s lager (1) Strewth! There’s a bloke down there with no strides on!” [Paul Hogan at the ballet] Foster’s lager (2) Scene: London Underground. Paul Hogan walks past a Japanese tourist, who is looking at a map Japanese tourist: Excuse me. Do you know the way to Cockfosters? Paul Hogan: Yeah. Drink it warm, mate! Foster’s lager (3): 1981 (A group of Greek men are sea-fishing from a rocky pier) Paul Hogan: G’day! This takes me back to me shark fishing days … back in Oz.

Wrestle with one of those fellas for a few rounds and it really sets you up for a pint of the golden throat charmer! (Drinks from a pint glass labelled Foster’s … while the fishermen, to great excitement, land a huge fish) Scuse me mate — mind if I borrow some of your bait? (Takes the prized fish and puts it on a hook … ready to cast) Ta sport! Voiceover: Foster’s — the Australian for lager! Foster’s lager (4): 1984 Hogan: What’s that, Fred? Fred: Morris dancing. Hogan: Which one’s Maurice? [Paul Hogan sitting outside an English country pub] Golden Godwin: c.1955 Diana Dors (wearing a tight fishtail skirt): I never say no to a Golden Godwin! Gordon’s Gin (1) It’s got to be Gordon’s! (2) Born London 1769 Grants of St James’s wines: 1970s There are many ways of choosing a good wine … by the clarity … the bouquet … the taste.

But with Grants of St James’s on the label … whatever you choose you needn’t take too long about it! Grants of St James’s means good wines! Get to know Grants of St James’s! Greenall Whitley beer (1) Smile please, you’re in Greenall Whitley land! Greenall Whitley beer (2): 1970s I wish I was in Greenall Whitley land, Where hearts are warm The girl I left behind, Perhaps you think of me, as I think of you, The jokes, the warmth, the fun, the girl behind the bar, But most of all, Greenall Whitley’s, most of all I’m missing you, Some day I’m going back, to the taste I know so well. Guinness (1) Guinness is good for you! (2) My goodness, My Guinness! (3) See what one or toucan do! (4) Good things come to those who wait. (5) Get together with a Guinness (c.1973) Haig whisky Don’t be vague: ask for Hague! Harp lager (1): 1974 H. A. R. P.

– hear the call. Harp lager (2) I’ve got this friend called Malcolm, well I wouldn’t say he’s tight, But his wallet would make a quiet place for moths to spend the night, He’s first out of the taxi and last into the pub, Then says “I’d like to buy a drink but” (and here’s the rub) He’s “just a little short right now” and could he “have a sub”? I stood him for another and he swore he’d “get them in” Then, going over to the mic, I announced above the din: “Tonight is Malcolm’s birthday and the drinks are all on him.” Harp — stays sharp to the bottom of the glass. Harp lager (3): 1980s Off down at the local on a Saturday night, Met this girl from Birmingham, and she was all right. She was very intellectual (“Ta very much!”), The way she ate her crisps had a feminine touch! But the gorilla she had in tow was just a bit much! (Stay sharp! Harp stays sharp till the bottom of the glass!) I said I was her brother, so I stayed and had another!

The cool fresh flavour didn’t waver by a quaver! She said it was a pity but had to hurry home – Her 80-year-old mother was all on her own! So she kissed him very nicely and said she’d phone! (Stay sharp! Harp stays sharp till the bottom of the glass!) Harp lager (4) It’s the full 43% Irish! Harp Lager (5) Harp puts out the fire! Harveys Bristol Cream (1): 1970s The best sherry in the world. Harveys Bristol Cream c.mid-1980s Heineken (1) Drink, drink, drink your Heineken [Parody of Men’s Chorus from “The Student Prince”: what were the rest of the words?] Heineken (2) How refreshing, how Heineken. Heineken (3) In his dairy in Switzerland, Hans Schnitzel makes magnificent cheeses. The holes in them are works of art! But today Hans is about to be very cheesed off, because his son Peter’s very first cheese contains not a single, solitary hole! Obviously, Peter’s hole-making skill lacks refreshment.

(Hans reaches for two cans of Heineken and hands one to Peter) Fortunately, his father knows an old remedy … the cold Heineken. Now, fully refreshed, Peter prepares another cheese. Let’s come back in six months. One, two, three, four, five, six. Ah! sure enough, the cheese is good and hole-some! Only Heineken can do this — because it refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach, thus making Peter feel a hole lot better! Heineken: 1984 Scene: The School of Street Credibility. Ron, the voice tutor (played by Bryan Pringle) points to a board which says: “The water in Majorca don’t taste like what it oughta” and is trying to teach a posh girl (played by Sylvestra La Touzel) how to say it in Cockney. Posh girl: The water in Ma-York-ah doesn’t taste like what it ought to. Ron: No! no, no, no! The wart-er in Ma-jaw-ca don’t taste like what it oughta! Posh girl: The water in Ma-York-a doesn’t taste quite how it should?

Ron: Ma-jaw-ca! Posh girl: Ma-York-ah? An exasperated Ron: Oy, Del — any danger of some refreshment in ’ere? Del: ’Ere y’are — get yer laughin’ gear round that! (hands a can of Heineken to the girl) Posh Girl: Oh golly! …. The wart-er in Majawca (Ron: Wassat?) don’t taste like what it oughta. Oh gosh! The wart-er in Ma-jaw-ca don’t taste like what it oughta! (Sniff) Ron: She’s crackin’! She’s only cracked it! Del: Yah, absolutely Ron! Voice-over: Heineken — refreshes the parts what other beers cannot reach! [A parody of Pygmalion or My Fair Lady, voted one of the best UK ads ever in a Channel 4 poll.

“Majawca” (for Majorca) has stuck with many Brits ever since.] Heineken Draught Lager Beer: 1970 With James Hayter (who also did the Mr Kipling adverts) drinking a pint and sitting in a draught There’s a terrific draught in here. There’s a terrific draught at your local, The world famous lager is here, There’s a terrfic draught at your local, Heineken, Heineken, draught lager beer! Hemeling lager Wouldn’t you rather be Hemeling? Hofmeister lager For great lager, follow the bear! Holsten Pils: c.1983 (Griff Rhys-Jones in one of the black and white, well-loved “Old Movies” Holsten adverts (1983–88). The adverts featured black and white remakes of famous film stars, and in this one Nobby was Humphrey Bogart) Griff: Hello Nobby! I brought you some Holsten Pils — most of the sugar turns to alcohol you know! Nobby: Funny, us three back together again!

Griff: Yeh, you, me and a bottle of Holsten Pils. I’ll save this for you until you get out … how long is that? Nobby: Nine more years and six months in this hole! Griff: Mm, shame to let it go flat then! (Nobby is taken away by the prison guard) Griff calls out: I’ll bring you another one to look at next week Nobby! Cheers, cheers! Ind Coope Light Ale: mid-1970s For the Southerner, it’s the governor! John Bull home beer kit: 1970s So good, it could put the pubs out of business! John Smith’s: c.1983 Go and have a pint of magic. Go and have a pint of magic. Smooth, dark and satisfying — John Smith’s magic! Go and have a pint of magic John Smith’s beer (1): 1984 Got me LA shirt and me disco trousers All topped off with an Elvis quiff The night is young, and I smell like a surfer — Got some mates to go out with … Got a mate called Jones and a mate called Brown — And now I’ve got a mate called Smith!

[Tune:Stop the Cavalry] John Smith’s beer (2): early 1980s Two furnace workers invite their new Asian workmate to the pub after work and he downs his pint in one Furnace worker: Blimey! You’d think ’e were born ’ere! Asian: Ah were, lad … Ah were. John Smith’s lager: 1984 Say hello to El Billo, El Jimmo, and El Siddo After two weeks in the sun I think we’re nearly done But me two and a half twister’s gone a bit skew whiff — So I chat this senorita By the name of Juanita, But her sister Margarita’s Who I end up with. She says I drive her frantic But her shoulders are gigantic! And I really miss my mate called Smith! John Smith’s lager — with that little bite bueno! It’s not easy for a fella Facing mountains of paella And be sitting in a cellar — Full of sangria. Well they never let you near And it’s time that we weren’t ’ere, So we’re off to see our mate At the local for a jar.

When you’ve ’ad enough of jets And clickin’ castanets … You’re glad to see your mate called Smith! [Tune: Stop the Cavalry] John Smith’s Yorkshire Bitter: 1983 (Two men and a dog in the pub) Like your new dog Arkwright! Here boy — up-up — down — sit — heel — fetch … don’t do much does ’e? Arkwright: Fancy a drop of John Smith’s? (The dog springs to life, jumps up, spins, turns cartwheels, juggles …) Arkwright: He just needs a bit of motivation! Voice-over: John Smith’s Bitter — a tough act to follow! Johnny Walker Black Label Whisky If you want to impress someone, put him on your Black list! Jubilee Stout: c.1960 Jubilee, Jubilee, Jubilee suits me, And you'll find it suits you too! Lamot Belgian lager (1973) Long Life Beer (1): 1972 Opening time is anytime with Long Life! Long Life Beer (2): 1973 Long live Long Life!

Look in at the local (with Mr & Mrs Bobby Moore) Bobby: Tina’s not the best dart player in the world, but she enjoys a game while she’s waiting for me. After a match we often meet our wife in the local: it’s a nice friendly place. Tina reckons I’ve rigged the darts. It’s not true. Anyway, it’s great to get together for an evening out. Voiceover: Like Mr & Mrs Bobby Moore, look in at the local! McEwans beer (Tune: “The More we are Together the Merrier we Shall be”) McEwans is the best buy, the best buy, the best buy, McEwans is the best buy, the best buy in Beer Aye McEwans, the best buy in beer! Mackeson (1) When old Ned Dyson fell off the church steeple, the first thing he said was, “Force a drop of Mackeson between me lips.” Drop! ha-ha-ha — he didn’t leave a drop in the bottle! Next thing he was up on his feet.

Well, Mackeson would put anybody on their feet It looks good, tastes good, and by golly it does you good. Mackeson — beautiful Mackeson, Mackeson, makes you feel so good: Enjoy life, enjoy life, exactly as you should! Mackeson (3) An Eskimo is fishing on a lake in his kayak but is very cold, so breaks a bit off his kayak and set fire to it. He is warm for a few minutes until the fire goes out, so he breaks off a bit more and sets fire to it. So it goes on until the kayak sinks And that’s the origin of the Mackeson maxim “You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.” Mackeson (4) An advert involving a gnu And that’s the origin of the Mackeson maxim “You can’t teach an old gnu [pronounced 'new'] dog tricks.” Mackenson (5) A skunk decides to bathe in nice perfumes before going to a party with lots of food. When he arrives, the other skunks will not let him in because he doesn’t smell right.

So he wanders off and rolls around in the smelliest things he can find and then goes back to the party where the other skunks welcome him with open arms And that’s the origin of the Mackeson maxim “A niff is as good as a feast.” Mackeson Milk Stout It does you double good! Mackeson [or Manns?] A middle-aged man is thinking back to what his wife used to look like – a pretty sweet young thing. Then suddenly he is snapped back to the present time with her extremely loud cackling laughter. He looks at her with some derision, blows hard, and says as he sips his drink: At least some things never change. Malibu (1) The sun always shines when it pours! Malibu (2): 1985 (Young chap is chatting-up a beautiful girl in a bar) We’d better hurry if we’d like another, they close at … er … ten-thirty! To waiter: Malibu on the rocks and … er … and one with pineapple. To girl: Did you know that it… er… comes from a lost island paradise? Oh yes!

Apparently, the Malibu islanders blended the finest white rum with tropical coconuts — as an offering to their Gods. In fact — I’m thinking of shooting my next movie on Malibu Island. I’ll call a cab… chauffeur’s night off. Waiter to girl: Huh — you didn’t believe that did you? Girl: No-o-o! I know you close at eleven! Voice-over: Malibu — it comes from paradise and tastes like heaven! Mann’s Brown Ale Mann’s is the best brown ale, Best brown ale, best brown ale, Mann’s is the best brown ale, Let’s have one now. Say “Mann’s brown, Mann’s brown”. Say “Mann’s brown, Mann’s brown”. Mann’s is the best brown ale, Let’s have one now. Martini (1): 1971 Any time any place, anywhere, There’s a wonderful world we can share, It’s the right one, the bright one, It’s Martini. This is the Martini time of day Martini Rosso Any time, any place anywhere Because Martini is the right one Martini & Rossi vermouth For people who share a taste for excitement!

Newcastle Brown Sung by Owen Brannigan in a Geordie accent, to to tune of "Cushie Butterfield" Scene: a small cosy bar If you want a beer that’s perfection indeed I give you a guide to fulfilling your need, At home by the fireside, in club or in bar The sign of good taste is the famous blue star. It’s the strong beer, it’s the bottled beer With the North’s biggest sale, For complete satisfaction (repeat on falling notes) Newcastle Brown Ale. Noilly Prat vermouth (1): early 1960s At the bar at the Europa Hotel (now the Marriott), with Pete Murray (then a dashing youngish DJ) swanning in to meet a couple of the “beautiful people” with much clinking of ice in glasses. When Pete meets his friends for a drink at the Europa, What do they drink? — Noilly Prat! Noilly Prat vermouth (2): early 1960s When we say Noilly Prat vermouth is extra dry, we mean it’s extra dry! Oranjeboom Put your money on a Pony, The little drink with the big kick.

Sandeman’s Port The Sandeman Man used to wear a black hat and a long black cloak. All you saw of him was the cloak swirling around as he was chased. When he was finally caught all that was left was the cloak and hat in a heap on the floor, and a bottle of Sandemans port. Murder mystery in Agatha Christie style at a dinner party in stately home. The shadow shape of the Sandeman caught in various locations causes speculation as to the “suspect”, who is finally illuminated in the doorway and is revealed as the Jeeves-like butler with the Stilton aloft on a board looking in silhouette like the Sandemans Spanish hat. Woman dinner guest: It’s the Sandeman Partners Port … now I’ve got it. Host: Yes, but please pass it round. Seagers Egg Flip: 1950s Don’t flop — have a flip! Skol lager (1) Skol lager, ?lovely lager, lager Skol. Skol lager (2): 1976 Skol drinking. It's the taste that makes you do it.

Skol lager (3): Early 1980s (An impromptu party at Harry’s place) Harry has eight cans of Skol. He drinks one himself, then gives one each to Bert and Jack. Then Jim pops in with four more cans — but he’s got Val and Samantha with him — and they all have one each. Then Paul and Malcolm turn up with a couple of friends — and they drink another four. Being a Skolar, Harry has calculated that he’s still able to enjoy a quiet can of Skol … When you know lager … you’re a Skolar! Skol lager (4): 1985 (Hagar the Horrible and his many pals are in the pub singing) Skol, Skol, Skol, Skol, At Stella Artois we’ve never contemplated using cheap hops. We’ve never, never been tempted to use cheap barley — And as for maturing our lager in a hurry … perish the thought! Yet, apparently, some people still can’t get used to our prices! Stella Artois! Reassuringly expensive! [Background music: “We’re in the money”] Stone’s bitter It goes down great guns!

[The bottle had a cannon on the label] Taunton cider: 1973 Arthur Moore, master cider maker, came to Taunton in 1911. I suppose you could say he’s responsible for the ciders we sell today, because though old Arthur’s long gone now, his art, and it is an art, remains. Autumn Gold and Blackthorn — from The Taunton Cider Company — where I’m happy to say the cider-maker’s art is still recognised. Tetley’s Bitter If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! Tetley Mild (early 1980s) Man in a pub at the bar with a pint of mild and saying to the camera: Ready when you are, Bob! Tia Maria (1) I drink Warninks — Warninks Advocaat. Watney’s Ale (1) What we want is Watney’s! Watney’s Ale (2) Watney’s Brown, Watney’s Pale, What we want is Watney’s Ale!

Watney’s Ale (3): c.1970 We’ll drink a drink a drink To make you think a think a think Of Watney’s Pale, So you can keep your medicinal compound Now we’ve discovered Watney’s Pale. W-e-e-e’ll drink a drink a drink To make you think a think a think, Of Watney’s Pale, [The Scaffold, to the tune of “Lily The Pink”] Watney's Pale Ale: c.1970 Sung by the group Mungo Jerry on a Wild West stagecoach to the tune of "Going Up Country" by Canned Heat Hit the pale trail Oh hit the pale trail, With Watney's ale! Watney’s Red Barrel (1) Red Barrel! Red Barrel! Red Barrel men say “The same again” To a fistful of flavour, First-class beer. Watney’s Red Barrel (2): c.1970 The Red Revolution. Watney’s Red Barrel (3): c. 1970 Roll out the barrel!

Watney’s Red: from 1972 Watney’s dropped the “barrel” from their beer’s name for this campaign (spoken): “Watney’s Red, that’s the best thing you’ve said!” Webster’s Green Label (A beer that was brewed at the now closed Fountainhead brewery in Halifax) If ah were a drinking man Which after t’match I am sir, The soort o’ beer that ah would drink Would be Webster’s Green Label. Ah sup it up, We all sup it up together, We’ll be all reet on a Saturday neet, Suppin’ it up together! Webster’s horses conversing over stable door Horse 1: Can I have a pint of Websters? Horse 2: It’s “may”. Horse 1: Sorry? Horse 2: It’s not “can”, it’s “may” — “May I have a pint of Webster’s?” Horse 1: Oh, OK, may I have a pint of Webster’s? Horse 2: No you cannot. Whitbread Tankard (1): 1970s Cartoon character Stanley leaping chasms on horseback and other derring do.

Questioner: How do you do it, Stanley? Stanley: Well it’s Tankard that helps me excel, after one I do anything well! Whitbread Trophy Bitter: 1976 Whitbread (big head) Trophy Bitter, The pint that thinks it’s a quart! It’s got the body, the body that satisfies It can’t be modest no matter how it tries ’Cos it’s the Whitbread Bitter, Trophy Bitter — The best that you ever bought (give him a trophy) Whitbread, Whitbread, Trophy Bitter The pint that thinks it’s a quart! Woodpecker Cider (1) Woodpecker, Woodpecker, yes I would! Woodpecker Cider (3): c.1972 When the Woodpecker knocks, be sure to let him in… Voiceover: Be sure it’s Woodpecker Cider, by Bulmer’s. Worthington Beer: 1960s Oh, what about a Worthington? Britain’s finest beer. It makes you want to cheer It’s clean and bright and full of life … (A man interjects something like) What about a kick in the rear?

Oh What about a Worthington? … Worthington E (1) Worthington E’s the Beer, There’s satisfaction here, It’s the Worthington taste that satisfies, Your worthy Worthington. We make E the way you like it — really like it! E’s so easy! Worth passing a few pubs for. Bailey’s Irish Cream Bell’s Whisky (Was “Afore ye go” used on television?) Blue Nun Dewar’s White Label Scotch whisky Emva Cream

Question: What beer brand encouraged you to Follow the Bear in the 1980s?
Answer: Hofmeister