The Spanish Inquisition - Monty Python The Spanish Inquisition by Monty Python In the early years of the 16th century, to combat the rising tide of religious unorthodoxy, the Pope gave Cardinal Ximinez of Spain leave to move without let or hindrance throughout the land, in a reign of violence, terror and torture that makes a smashing film. This was the Spanish Inquisition... (this transcript is also available with screen shots from the original) Chapman: Trouble at mill. Cleveland: Oh no - what kind of trouble? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle. Cleveland: Pardon? Chapman: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treadle. Cleveland: I don't understand what you're saying. Chapman: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treadle. Cleveland: Well what on earth does that mean? Chapman: *I* don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD] [The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain [Palin] enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles [Jones] has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fang [Gilliam] is just Cardinal Fang] Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. [The Inquisition exits] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] [The cardinals burst in] Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! [To Cardinal Biggles] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that... [Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again] Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [JARRING CHORD] Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the--' Biggles: That's enough. [To Cleveland] Now, how do you plead? Clevelnd: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! [DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER] Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that! [DIABOLICAL ACTING] Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! [Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger] Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down. [Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack] Ximinez:Right! How do you plead? Clevelnd: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn. [Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders] Biggles: I.... Ximinez: [gritting his teeth] I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! [Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack] [Cut to them torturing a dear old lady, Marjorie Wilde] Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! [JARRING CHORD] [Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions] Biggles: Here they are, lord. Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about.

Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! [Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture] Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez [angrily hurling away the cushions]: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! [JARRING CHORD] [Zoom into Fang's horrified face] Fang [terrified]: The...Comfy Chair? [Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one] Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! [They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair] Ximinez [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. [aside, to Biggles] Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord.

Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess Biggles: I confess! No one expects the Spanish Inquisition - YouTube No one expects the Spanish Inquisition Want to watch this again later? Sign in to add this video to a playlist. Need to report the video? Sign in to report inappropriate content. The interactive transcript could not be loaded. Loading... Rating is available when the video has been rented. This feature is not available right now. Please try again later. Uploaded on Feb 1, 2011 Category Monty Python to reunite for live one-off show in London - BBC News Monty Python to reunite for live one-off show in London 21 November 2013 From the section Entertainment & Arts comments Read more about sharing. Close share panel Media captionEric Idle said the audience should expect "comedy, pathos, music and a tiny piece of ancient sex" The surviving members of comedy group Monty Python have announced their reunion will be a live, one-off show in London next July.

At a press conference, Michael Palin, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones said they wanted to see if they "were still funny". Idle - who will direct - said the audience should expect "comedy, pathos, music and a tiny piece of ancient sex". The stage show will be their first new project for three decades. It is more than 30 years since the Pythons last performed together at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles in September 1980, and 40 years since they last performed on stage in the UK. Media captionJohn Cleese: "I have to make a bit of an attempt to fill the large hole in my finances..." In a press release issued ahead of the conference, the comedy troupe promised to perform "some of Monty Python's greatest hits, with modern, topical, Pythonesque twists". Ticket prices Warwick Davis, who recently starred in the Monty Python-inspired musical Spamalot, introduced the "five legends" at the London's Playhouse theatre, claiming the venue for the reunion had been decided after a series of bids. Opening a series of gold envelopes, he claimed the winner was first, Qatar, then Meryl Streep.

Finally, he announced the show would take place in London at the O2 Arena on the 1 July, with tickets going on sale on 25 November. The top price for tickets will be £95 and the lowest will be £26.50 -"only £300 cheaper than the Stones", quipped Idle. Image caption The Monty Python team at the site of their filmed live show at the Hollywood Bowl, California, in 1980 Cleese said they would almost certainly include popular sketches such as The Crunchy Frog and The Dead Parrot, but reiterated that there would also be "some new material". "People do really want to see the old hits but we don't want to do them in a predictable way," he said. "The main danger we have is that the audience know the scripts better than we do." Pythons reunited By Tim MastersEntertainment correspondent, BBC News, at The Playhouse Theatre Like their best TV sketches, the Monty Python press conference was a masterclass in well-rehearsed chaos. The five surviving Pythons appeared on the Spamalot stage all talking at once and, to add to the confusion, swapped identities as they answered questions.

The surreal half hour that followed was surely a taste of what the reunion show has in store. The best gags were unrehearsed. Asked a question by a journalist from Spain, Palin fired back: "Nobody expected the Spanish Inquisition!" There was a genuine sense that here were five old friends getting together for a final reunion, though whether it's to pay off Terry Jones's mortgage is debatable. Eric Idle promised that sixth Python, the late Graham Chapman, "won't be absent" from the new show. "We actually have told him we're going to be on and, if there is a God, he'll show up." With a combined age of 357, Cleese, Gilliam, Idle, Jones and Palin joked about needing medical teams on stand-by and each having their own nurse. Ominously, above the Pythons' heads, a Terry Gilliam graphic showed a giant foot stomping onto a graveyard with the words: "One down, five to go". Idle said they would also include some material that had never previously been performed live. He said it would be "a big show" likening it to "a huge musical", with input from choreographer Arlene Phillips.

He added that the event would be released on DVD: "We'll be filming it and we'll try to flog it later." "It's more than just a performance - people enjoy the experience of performing with us," said Cleese. The 74-year-old said "at first" the gig would be "a one and only" but refused to rule out further performances. "The problem is getting us all together in one room," he added, citing Gilliam's multiple film commitments. When they did eventually get together, Palin said the five of them just "still enjoy getting together to be very silly", adding that it was easier to do "now they are in their 70s". "Silliness is always funny," added Jones. "After you turn 70, you can be absolutely shameless," echoed Gilliam. News of the reunion leaked in the press earlier this week, with Jones telling the BBC he was "quite excited". "I hope it makes us a lot of money," he said on Tuesday. "I hope to be able to pay off my mortgage!" Devoted fans The last time the five remaining members of the comedy group appeared together in public was in 2009 at their 40th anniversary celebrations in New York.

The sixth member of the comedy troupe, Graham Chapman, died in 1989. The press conference took place at the home of the Monty Python-inspired musical Spamalot - London's Playhouse Theatre. Earlier this year, a film producer won a High Court case against the surviving members of Monty Python over royalty rights to the hit stage show. Mark Forstater, who produced the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail, claimed he was underpaid royalties since the musical's launch in 2005. He estimated he was entitled to more than £200,000. The six members of the Python team got to know each other firstly through university, and later through their work on television comedy programmes, including The Frost Report. Monty Python's Flying Circus was made for TV between 1969 and 1974 and featured sketches and songs that fans can recite by heart. The team went on to make films including Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979).

The well-known Life of Brian song, Always Look on the Bright Side of Life, was performed by Eric Idle at the 2012 Olympics closing ceremony. The Spanish Inquisition - Monty Python Scripts Monty Python Scripts Lady Mountback: Oh no - what kind of trouble? Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady Mountback: Pardon? Reg: One on't cross beams gone owt askew on treddle. Lady Mountback: I don't understand what you're saying. Reg: (slightly irritated and with exaggeratedly clear accent) One of the cross beams has gone out askew on the treddle. Lady Mountback: Well what on earth does that mean? Reg: *I* don't know - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) (The door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Palin) enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Jones) has goggles pushed over his forehead.

Cardinal Fang (Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang) Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again. (Exit and exeunt) Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) (The cardinals burst in) Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! (To Cardinal Biggles) I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What? Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...' Biggles: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that...

(Ximinez bundles the cardinals outside again) Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. (JARRING CHORD) Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are...um...er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and -- Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ...our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the...' Biggles: That's enough. (To Cleveland) Now, how do you plead? Lady Mountback: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! (Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER') Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING') Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack! (Biggles produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack. Ximinez looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger) Ximinez: You....Right! Tie her down. (Fang and Biggles make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack) Ximinez: Right! How do you plead? Lady Mountback: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack (oh dear) give the rack a turn. (Biggles stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders) Biggles: I.... Ximinez: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake.

Ha! Ha! Ha! (Biggles turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack) (Cut to them torturing a dear old lady). Ximinez: Now, old woman -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four* counts. Do you confess? Old Lady: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS! (JARRING CHORD) (Biggles holds out two ordinary modern household cushions) Biggles: Here they are, lord. Ximinez: Now, old lady -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Old Lady: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions!

(Biggles carries out this rather pathetic torture) Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez : (angrily hurling away the cushions)Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! (JARRING CHORD) (Zoom into Fang's horrified face) Fang: (terrified) The...Comfy Chair? (Biggles pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one) Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! (They roughly push her into the Comfy Chair) Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven. (aside, to Biggles) Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we?

Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: I confess! "Monty Python's Flying Circus" The Spanish Inquisition (TV Episode 1970) - Quotes - IMDb Reg : One on't cross beams gone owt askew on't treddle. Lady M : I don't understand what you're saying. Reg : One of the cross beams has gone out of skew on the treadle. Lady M : Well, what on earth does that mean? Reg : I don't know! - Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition! [the door flies open and in come three Cardinals in red robes] Cardinal Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise!... Surprise and fear... fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency! Our three weapons are fear, and surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Hmf... Amongst our weaponry...

are such elements as fear, surpr... I'll come in again. [They leave] Reg : [gamely] I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. [They burst in again] Ximinez : NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!... Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options The Announcer : [voiceover of stock footage of a Roman chariot race] From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome, we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so gripping that they said it could not he filmed! A unique event in cinema history: 'Julius Caesar' On an Aldis Lamp! [cuts to closeup of Caesar walking in a Roman street. A soothsayer runs up to him, wild-eyed, and flashes an Aldis lamp] Soothsayer: [flashing Aldis lamp] Beware the Ides of March.

[Caesar is stabbed by the assassins, and as he collapses to the ground, he pulls out a very big Aldis lamp, and flashes it] Caesar: [flashing his Aldis lamp] Et tu, Brute? [cuts to a Western street, with two cowboys facing each other and holding Morse buzzers] The Announcer : From the makers of 'Gunfight at the O.K. Corral in Morse Code.' [the two buzz a bit. One of them collapses to the ground] Gunman: [buzzing on his Morse buzzer] AAAAHHH! [Cuts to a Red Indian making smoke signals] The Announcer : And the smoke-signal version of 'Gentlemen Prefer Blondes'! Monty Python Farewell Tour About to Kick Off · Guardian Liberty Voice Share on Facebook Follow on Facebook Add to Google+ Connect on Linked in Subscribe by Email Print This Post With a multi-city farewell tour about to kick off — take that, FIFA — Monty Python is still hilarious, decades after they first started doing comedy together on the BBC TV program, Monty Python’s Flying Circus. The original members of Monty Python will reunite for the first time in decades for the much-anticipated farewell tour.

One of the special guests included on the London leg of the tour will be physicist Stephen Hawking, who is a big Monty Python fan. Monty Python’s Flying Circus was televised between 1969 – 1974. The TV series has legions of fans who know entire lines and sketches by heart. The hit BBC series also gave rise to successful movies featuring the members of the comedy troupe, like Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) and The Life of Brian (1979). With the exception of Monty Python Graham Chapman, who succumbed to cancer in 1989, at age 48, the other original five members of the comedy troupe — Terry Jones, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, and Michael Palin — will take part in the farewell tour. They are all in their 70s, but so few signs of letting their age slow them down. In November, the opening date sold out within 44 seconds. The five remaining members of Monty Python added nine other dates, all of which are close to selling out.

According to John Cleese, who also starred as John Fawlty in the very funny BBC TV series Fawlty Towers, the production has quite a few set changes and special effects and it costs approximately £4.5 million to stage. Eric Idle has been credited by the other members of the comedy troupe with being the driving force behind creating the Monty Python farewell tour show ready. Besides special effects and set changes, the show will include a full orchestra and a large cast of dancers. Idle has stated that the show will be quite “filthy,” which is no surprise, as the BBC TV series often featured skits that included of naked women and lewd, but often LOL hilarious, jokes and double entendres. Monty Python‘s farewell tour will be based on their old, tried-but-true classic sketches and songs from their TV series and movies.

Eric Idle reasons that it would be difficult, and “odd,” to try to write anything that was funnier material “than our best at this age.” Idle added that the kind of humor that Monty Python did is “mainly timeless actually,” so he is not worried that the audiences of today might not get the jokes or be appreciative of getting the opportunity to hear the original material that made Monty Python famous. The upcoming farewell tour of Monty Python that is about to kick off will likely have audiences rolling in the aisles from laughter. The final performance of the Monty Python tour on July 20 will be also broadcast live in movie theaters around the world. That is good news to everyone who is a Monty Python fan, but who does not live near one of the cities on their farewell tour. To honor Graham Chapman, and the eventual passing of the remaining members of Monty Python, the show will be called One Down, Five to Go. The word is out that among the sketches they will be performing will be the ever-popular Spanish Inquisition and the Dead Parrot ones. They will also be performing classic bits and songs from The Meaning of Life and Life of Brian.

The humor might be what fans have come to expect from “the wrinkly old men,” as Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones has recently called the septuagenarians, but that does not mean that the material is any less genius or funny. The Monty Python farewell tour is about to kick off soon, and the final show will take place on July 20 at London’s O2 Arena. Eric Idle is excited about it, stating that unlike The Beatles and many others, they will get the chance to bid farewell to their fans. Idle said that “nobody ever has the chance to do that.” The five remaining members of Monty Python will get the chance to do that, though, proving that there is, indeed, a first time for everything. Written by: Douglas Cobb Quotes - Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Quotes Source: Monty Python's Flying Circus Speaker: Cardinal Ximénez Life Fear Monty Python Relationship Experience Assorted Movie Character Marriage Communication Funny Humor Television Context This line is spoken by Cardinal Ximénez, played by Michael Palin, in the Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch "The Spanish Inquisition." When a man is asked a question by his wife, he snaps at her, exasperated: "I didn't expect some kind of Spanish Inquisition!" Taking their cue, a trio of inquisitors in bright red robes (the better to hide all the blood) jump into the room and shout "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" Their chief weapons are surprise, fear, and the Monty Python trademark inability to count. They get their speech wrong so many times that they have to leave and re-enter the room over and over, thereby negating that whole "surprise" thing. Where you've heard it You might hear this line if anyone is ever grilling you, if you're playing Dragon Age: Inquisition , or if you're actually discussion the Spanish Inquisition in history class.

Additional Notable References Monty Python's Flying Circus - YouTube Monty Python's Flying Circus 1,063 views Last updated on Nov 25, 2013 Chapman: I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency.... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again. Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! I can't say it - you'll have to say it. Biggles: What?

Ximinez: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are...' Biggles: I couldn't do that... Chapman: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. Biggles: Er... Nobody... um... Biggles: Expects... Nobody expects the... um... the Spanish... um... Ximinez: Inquisition. Biggles: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect - Ximinez: Our chief weapons are... Biggles: Our chief weapons are... um... er... Ximinez: Surprise... Biggles: Surprise and... Ximinez: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!... our chief weapons are surprise... blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the...' Biggles: That's enough. Now, how do you plead? Cleveland: We're innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Biggles: We'll soon change your mind about that!

Ximinez: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless - Ooooh! Now, Cardinal - the rack! Ximinez: You... Right! Tie her down. Ximinez: Right! How do you plead? Cleveland: Innocent. Ximinez: Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack. Oh dear... give the rack a turn. Biggles: I... Ximinez: I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake. Biggles: I... Ximinez: It makes it all seem so stupid. Biggles: Shall I...? Ximinez: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ximinez: Now, old woman - you are accused of heresy on three counts - heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action - four counts. Do you confess? Wilde: I don't understand what I'm accused of. Ximinez: Ha! Then we shall make you understand! Biggles! Fetch...THE SOFT CUSHIONS! Biggles: Here they are, lord.

Ximinez: Now, old lady - you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy, reject the works of the ungodly - two last chances. And you shall be free - three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance. Wilde: I don't know what you're talking about. Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it - Cardinal! Poke her with the soft cushions! Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting her, lord. Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: Hm! She is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR! Fang: The...Comfy Chair? Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions. Well, we shall see. Biggles! Put her in the Comfy Chair! Ximinez: Now - you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time, with only a cup of coffee at eleven.

Is that really all it is? Biggles: Yes, lord. Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess! Biggles: I confess! - The Spanish Inquisition less Chapman: I don't know - Mr Wentworth just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at the mill, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. Ximinez: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapo... more Sliding Doors (1998) - Quotes - IMDb Sliding Doors (1998) Quotes Showing all 33 items Lydia : Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary. James : Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say. Helen : "Always look on the bright side of life"?

James : No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition." [Helen tells James her boyfriend is cheating] James : Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there? [Points to his friend at the end of the bar] James : Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is Baywatch. So you see there's always someone sadder than you. [Helen starts to cry] James : Do you love him? Helen : No, I could never love a Baywatch fan. James : What are you doing two weeks on Saturday? Helen : Probably killing myself. [Helen drops her earring in the lift. James picks it up and gives it to her] Helen : [gloomily] Thank you. James : Cheer up, you know what the Monty Pythons always say... Helen : "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition" [Helen and James turn and stare at each other as the lift closes] Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options Helen : Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair.

You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice - and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute... James : Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Shit, I just blew - wait [looks at menu] James : Haircut suits you, by the way. [Helen demurs] James : No, it does, it does! No gag. 'Never make a joke about a woman's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles' - page one. Russell : You want my opinion? Gerry : Will I like it? Russell : Well, of course not! It'll be based in reality. [Helen has broken up with her boyfriend] Helen : Bollocks to him. I'm over him. Anna : [skeptically] Oh. You're over him. Helen : Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him. Anna : No you're not. Anna : You're not. Helen : Anna, I'm over him! What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not? Anna : Well, two things really.

One, you're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident. [tosses the paper at Anna] Anna : [opens the paper] What is he? Anna : Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know. [reads] Anna : "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good. Share this: Facebook | Twitter | Permalink Hide options Lydia : I'm trying to be your girlfriend Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry Fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may reboard the train.

Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!

Question: What, according to Monty Python, does nobody expect?
Answer: The Spanish Inquisition