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short_jokes

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What do you get when you cross a sheep stealer with royalty? Mutton Looter King

An Indian redditor gets an arranged marriage. He turns to his partner and says: "Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!"

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!

I'd kill for a microwave that plays Europe's "The Final Countdown" during the last 30 seconds.

Did you hear about the skeleton who didn't go to prom? He had no body to go with.

What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.

How does a baboon make phone calls? He just monkeys around on the line!

Kids are like farts. You don't mind your own, but others peoples are just unbearable

Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I realised I'd hit rock bottom.

I milked the cow "We don't have a cow" the neighbors' cow then "Their cat?" Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo "Meow" Ah shoot

Dear Shirtless Guy in his Profile Pic, You REALLY want to impress girls? Get a job & pose in front of your cubicle.

The IRA have been fighting for Irish reunification since the 70s. . . All they needed to do was vote for the Conservatives.

How many Reddit admins does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they like to keep the mods in the dark.

Why is Chapstick so popular? Cause it's the balm baby!

What is the best advice to give a worm? Sleep late.

If I was antisocial I wouldn't have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

What's a sluts favourite drink? 7 Up in Cider

Facebook buys Instagram for one billion?!? Idiots!! They could have downloaded it from the app store for .99 cents..

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely banging my snooze button in the morning.

I want to make a series about the murder of an airline crew but I still have to shoot the pilot.

My friend always wanted to work in animation, but never got past the interview He just couldn't understand the difference between a professional "colorist" and a professional "racist"

[sees a zebra for the first time] What's up with that horse? [sees a giraffe for the first time] Okay, what the hell is going on today?

so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!

You're so fat and unfunny... that the only punchlines you have are stained on your shirt.

A kiss will make her day But anal will make her hole weak

Glue is weird it's all like hey I want to stick these pieces of paper together wait I have an idea hand me that dead horse

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence

Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

Some people say Glenn Frey got pneumonia from the cold... But that can't be true because he said the Heat is On.

A duck walks up to a prostitute.... And says, "put it on my bill"

What is the best part about having sex with 23 year olds? There's 20 of them. (Works better in person)

My love for you is like a fart. Everything about it is powered by my heart.

What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake? Get off me, homes.

"You're a unit of power Joe." "I'm a Watt?"

I once bought an e. e. cummings poem collection.. It was the worst game of Mad Libs ever.

Why is it that the more numbers someone has in their e-mail address, the less I respect them?

What does the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator? Shut the door im dressing

My bank account status is more scary than the Conjuring!

If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers. And you can keep me as a reference.

What have you done wrong if the wife keep complaining when you try to watch TV in the living room? You made the chain too long in the kitchen.

A good rule of thumb is to never be in Liam Neeson's movie family.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

Why was the baby ant so confused? Because all of his uncles were ants!

Don't buy whitening toothpaste It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days. 15 days have come and gone... and I am still asian.

After the Thanksgiving dinner, everyone says (-1)/8

Simba - "welcome to... The bone zone" Nala - "the what?" Simba - "elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard"

How are doctors so well tempered even under heavy stress? They have a lot of patients

I wonder if dog's had facebook, would they put our picture as their profile picture.

Why are Native Americans the most successfull strippers? Because when they dance, they make it rain.

My ex-girlfriend was a slut. She bust more nuts than a pistachio junkie. edit: Going through a potential breakup, so if you see this, this isnt about you, babe. Dont leave me, please.

Why Did the Ebola Patient Cross the Road? Trick question. There are no roads in Africa.

ME: Haha you can tell them any name and they have to say it BARISTA: I have a latte for "A Person Who Deserves Love"? ME [crying]: Hahaha

Peter Pan escaped the adult world... ...by becoming an alcoholic. He goes by Peter the Panhandler now.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard

My Grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

You just know I knew my girlfriend was furious when I blew my load early last night....I could see it in her eyes

FOR SALE: Faulty Guitar. No strings attached.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfit fanatic walk into a bar... Who talks more?

How is light beer like having sex in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. I'll see myself out.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

What do you call a number that won't sit still? A roamin' numeral. :P

Where do drinks go on vacation? Coaster Rica

I farted in the Apple store and everyone got pissed at me. Not my fault they don't have Windows.

I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.

My terrible Joke but I never forget it. A dyslexic man walked into a bra....

What type of school did Sherlock Holmes go to? Elementary :)

Believe it or not, my wife and I were actually matched on Tinder. We'd been married for 12 years.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he's crying in the corner.

So a Trabi owner pulls up to a gas station... ...and says to the attendant: "Two windscreen wipers for my Trabi please." The attendant replies: "That sounds like a good deal!"

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they'll just beat the room for being black!

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

What did nazi pilots eat for breakfast? Luftwaffles

So a blind man walks into a bar He hurts himself pretty badly.

If you're not one of the first five boys in the yard, you almost never get a milkshake.

sometimes i visit websites that have videos of people making love

Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.

Every woman I've ever been with only saw me the way they wanted to see me... ...in their rearview mirror.

How do you tell the circumference of a pecan Pecan pi

How do you figure out which contestant in a Ms. America pageant is a prostitute? Look for the one with the sash that says "I da ho".

Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What's not to like?

[Google search history] Moles How to kill moles How to make homemade bombs Rescue moles from cave-in Dealing with regret Mole stew

A guy walks into a bar... Ouch.

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. And then it hit me.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

[Ouija board] Spirits are you there? U R C U T E D O Y O U H A V E K I K *flips board*

Not being able to read because your book ran out of batteries is a pretty hilarious first-world problem.

My internet connection on my farm was be terrible until I moved the router in the horse barn. Now I have stable WiFi.

Putting captions in the wrong place You know what I hate the most...?

What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. ( )

An irishman walks out of a bar...

Brexit There is a new slimming product in town. It is called Brexit. It'll help you lose a lot of pounds.

Orange Julius is the third best thing to happen to oranges behind mimosas and the "orange you glad I didn't say banana" knock knock joke

What is a bear's favourite drink ? Koka-Koala !

Why do golfers wear 2 pairs of pants? Incase he gets a hole in one

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.

What is the favorite food joint of dubstep makers? Sub-WUB-WUB-WUB-way

Two fish are in a tank... One is driving, and the other is manning the guns.