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short_jokes

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You know... When someone says to you "Jesus loves you." It's always comforting. Unless you are in a Mexican jail.

When I hear "This call is being monitored for quality assurance" I think "Cool, let's see how bad this person wants their job."

You know what the definition of "competitive" is? Finishing first *and* third in a circlejerk.

How do you know if your wine was made in the 90's? It smells like teen spirit.

What was the name of Paul Revere's favorite porno mag? The British are Coming

[car wreck] [hand reaches out] "Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback." [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now

Chicken Why did the chicken cross the road? Why? To go to the gay guys house Knock knock Who's there? The chicken

Teacher: Why do we put a hyphen in a bird-cage? Pupil: For a parrot to perch on miss.

I visited Amsterdam this summer, and decided to have sex with a prostitute. It was an overall positive experience. Sadly, it was an HIV positive experience.

Yup. If pasta & antipasta ever touch, they annihilate. For your safety, that's why restaurants never serve them together.

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won't kill all of them.

When my wife takes a nap, it's "desperately needed rest." When I do, it's "lazy chauvinist party-time."

"Update the Force, young Skywalker" Said Adobe Wan Kenobi.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

TIL A ref can show a player the red card for a loud fart ... even if it isn't Messi.

What did the wise man say to the fat guy? You should probably go on a diet.

Who is better? The 3rd wave feminist or the pencil? The pencil is better. It has a point.

Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

Why do you call a Mexican midget a paragraph? ...because he's too short to be called an essay.

This morning I had a swollen testicle. "I'd have simply preferred toast," I told my wife.

"What's that?" A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I'm a little bit closer to freedom. *puts in dollar* "WTH!?!"

What do you call a blonde in a BMW? Optional.

If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot." you are wasting everybody's time.

My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet

What do you call a racist dog from Animal Crossing? KKK Slider

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs? Waiter: of course monsieur Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines... They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.

What did the man with The World's Largest Penis say when he had to have his legs amputated "Don't worry, I still have my third one."

What's the worse thing to do to a blind person? Leave a plunger in the toilet

When I was interviewed for a job in the chemistry department, they asked me if I had lab experience. I said I was more of a cat person.

There are two types of people in this world. And I hate them both.

I'd give these pigeons some bread but they'd probably just spend it on drugs.

Two skeptics walk into a bar.. I'd tell you what happens next but noone knows

Everytime you pull the trigger a bullet loses its job...HAHAHAHA! Because it gets FIRED. HAHAHA! *I'm in tears*

In China the labels read, "Made by someone you know."

It would be great to be born on Earth and die on Mars. Preferably not on the point of impact.

You could be a "Before" model.

Descartes walks into the bar. The bartender asks him, "will you have your usual tonight?" Rene replies "I think not" and he disappears.

Anyone want to hear my Human Centipede joke? Nah, I won't tell you it. It sucks ass.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...

My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I'm not allowed at the company family picnic any more!

[at my funeral] So young, how did he die? He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word "bae"

Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine

What do you call a frisbee that's more than a friend? Frisbae

What does a sheep say after walking into a disgusting, dirty bar? Ew.

What's the best part of a pregnancy joke? The delivery.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night. I wanted it to be special

What is the biggest compliment you can pay at a gay bar? Pushing in somebody's stool.

What is your best "Yo mama" joke?

What's a pirate's favourite type of weaponry? It's ARRRtillery! bonus: A pirate's favourite melee weapon? A scimitARRR

Hey, who did you vote for?... I wrote in Michael J. Fox. I think he can really shake things up!

I once had a crippiling masturbation addiction... ...now i have a sex addiction, could you say my addiction has gotten out of hand?

Do it tomorrow. You have made enough mistakes for today.

Why did the Mexican take his Xanax? For hispanic attacks.

*Guy tries giving me his phone number* Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one

I'm glad it's the thought that counts because I spend all day thinking about the shit I should be doing.

A man balks in a war He is discharged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

Instead of calling them flyover states we should call them comments section.

A triangle exploded and a piece hit me. It was a 60-debris angle.

Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.

Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her

Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can't be good.......

Why can't a bike stand on it's own? Because it is two tired.

What did the gay guy say to his lover when they were going on vacation? "Hey, can you help me pack my shit?"

Coworker: Stop Me: collaborate and listen Coworker: Don't Me: you forget about me Coworker: Hey! Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

Why are hillbilly murders hard to solve Because they all share the same DNA

My house is really small until I can't find my phone.

Dear President Obama, I've got a joke for you... I texted it to Angela Merkel. Did you... *get it*?

Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.

I don't understand women. I also don't understand how a car works but I still drive it.

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage? Tri-weekly Try Weekly and Try Weakly

How do they calculate global warming? Al-gore-ythms

What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking.

The hands that help others in need are holier than the lips that pray.

What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...

My girlfriend is great in bed... But I don't know how my best friend would know that.

What do you call a Jedi who worries about not making deadlines? Panickin' Skywalker.

Why did the composer go to the chiropractor? Because he had Bach problems

[Justice League HQ] SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I'll just fight daytime crimes

If we attacked Turkey from the rear... ...do you think Greece would help?

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff badum tss

My favourite word is snigger It allows me to be sracist without speople sthinking I'm a sbad sperson

How do you hide an elephant in a fridge? You remove his slippers and open the door . You put him inside. You close the door and take the slippers away.

Pete and repeat are in a boat Pete and repeat are brothers. Pete falls overboard, who's left?

What do you call a green cow in a field? Invisibull.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say to the gym manager when he was joining a new gym? I'll re-rack.

You're shoes are untied! April fools! Got ya!!

Right now a group of women at a baby shower are simultaneously saying, "Awwww..." while some knocked up chick holds up a tiny pair of socks.

Gentlemen test At least most tests have the decency to ask me my name, before they fuck me.

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

I went in to hospital for an operation... I asked the anaesthetist if I could administer the needle myself, and he said: "Sure, knock yourself out".

A piece of shit walks into a bar It's my dad... My dad is a piece of shit.

What's a snakes favourite dance ? The mamba !

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off!

What is the last thing that tickle-me elmo gets before he leaves the factory? Two test tickles