Writing prompt: Sima Guang's Childhood

Student essay:
Once upon a time, there was a fourteen-year-old girl Mary, which loved her hair a lot.
However, she began to lose her hair without reasons, which made her feel unhappy and inferiority. She then tried many medicines, but still failed to plant her hair.
Mary thought it over and over. One night, she was having a magical dream. A man came to Mary and showed her some plants. "This kind of grass can cure your hairs' problem." He said, and left with a smile. On the next day, she found the plant was just on her bed and she tried it happily at once.
As the man said, Mary's hair grew much faster than before. She was pretty surprised and cheerful. As she thought: why not sold the magical plant as a product? Then more persons like me can be confident again!
She just did what she thought. In the end, she became rich and never felt worry about her hair again.

Corrected essay:
Once upon a time, there was a fourteen-year-old girl Mary, who loved her hair a lot.
However, she began to lose her hair without reason, which made her feel unhappy and inferior. She then tried many medicines, but still failed to regrow her hair.
Mary thought it over and over. One night, she was having a magical dream. A man came to Mary and showed her some plants. "This kind of grass can cure your hair problem," he said, and left with a smile. On the next day, she found the plant was just on her bed and she tried it happily at once.
As the man said, Mary's hair grew much faster than before. She was pretty surprised and cheerful. She thought: why not sell the magical plant as a product? Then more persons like me can be confident again!
She did just what she thought. In the end, she became rich and never felt worried about her hair again.