Writing prompt: The Population Problem

Student essay:
In China,the population is over 1.4 billon, and that's too much, almost one fifth of the world's population.The large population causes a lot of problems.We have to face them.
First of all, because of the large population, the energy is not enough at all.Although we have a lot of energy, but there're also too many people.And what's more? Water is not enough, too.
Also, in many big cities, such as Beijing, Shanghai, there's a serious problem that is difficult to solve.There is more and more traffic.In the morning and evening, the time to go to and back from work or school, the traffic is exactly very much.The cars and buses even cannot move and it often takes a long time to get to the office, the school or home.And the price of the house is so high that many people can't afford it.So the cheap house is not enough at all.Many people have to rent the house to live.
Then, a lot of college students need a job.But there aren't enough job for them. So lots of student can't find a job and they have to stay at home and use their parents' money.
The last problem is about the environment. People produce too much rubbish.And that's really bad for the environment.We must do something to reduce the polution.
Above all, the large population causes too many problems.We must do something to face them.Anyway, we don't want wars to reduce the population...

Corrected essay:
In China, the population is over 1.4 billion, and that's too much, almost one fifth of the world's population. The large population causes a lot of problems. We have to face them.
First of all, because of the large population, the energy is not enough at all. Although we have a lot of energy, there are also too many people. And what's more? Water is not enough, too.
Also, in many big cities, such as Beijing and Shanghai, there's a serious problem that is difficult to solve. There is more and more traffic. In the morning and evening, the time to go to and back from work or school, the traffic is exactly very much. The cars and buses even cannot move and it often takes a long time to get to the office, the school or home. And the price of the house is so high that many people can't afford it. So the cheap house is not enough at all. Many people have to rent a house to live in.
Then, a lot of college students need a job. But there aren't enough jobs for them. So lots of students can't find a job and they have to stay at home and use their parents' money.
The last problem is about the environment. People produce too much rubbish. And that's really bad for the environment. We must do something to reduce the pollution.
Above all, the large population causes too many problems. We must do something to face them. Anyway, we don't want wars to reduce the population...