Writing prompt: The Report of Students' Pocket Money

Student essay:
Nowadays, students have more and more pocket money. However, this also led to the phenomenon of unreasonable spending more and more serious.
From the survey, we can see that about 45 percent of junior students and 30 percent of senior students spend most of their pocket money on books. About 30 percent of junior students and 50 percent of senior students prefer to spend money on snacks. What's more, the high school students use considerably money on computer games. At the same time, there is some pocket money used in clothes and sports goods.
As far as I' m concerned, eating a lot of snacks not only waste money but also put our weight which will do harm to our health. Meanwhile, if we play games without limiting, we will lose much precious time and be addicted to it which affects our study. We need to know the hardships of making money so that we can use our pocket money reasonably.

Corrected essay:
Nowadays, students have more and more pocket money. However, this also leads to the phenomenon of unreasonable spending, which is becoming more and more serious.
From the survey, we can see that about 45 percent of junior students and 30 percent of senior students spend most of their pocket money on books. About 30 percent of junior students and 50 percent of senior students prefer to spend money on snacks. What's more, high school students spend considerable money on computer games. At the same time, some pocket money is used on clothes and sports goods.
As far as I'm concerned, eating a lot of snacks not only wastes money but also increases our weight, which will do harm to our health. Meanwhile, if we play games without limits, we will lose much precious time and be addicted to it, which affects our study. We need to know the hardships of making money so that we can use our pocket money reasonably.