Writing prompt: My Dream

Student essay:
When it comes to say about my dream,there is no doubt that I'm eager to be a pediatrician,which is objected by my parents.\nThe most significant reason why I'm dreaming of being a pediatrician is that I think it will give me a sense of accomplishment if I can save people's lives by my unremitting efforts,especially the children's.Furthermore,I feel it a great pleasure to get along with children because of their innocence.And maybe you'll consider me as a childish man, but during the period we get together with children,we can learn a lot from them beyond expectation.\nTo realize my dream,I will make a great effort to learn medical expertise.Undoubtedly,only this is far from enough.I'll participate in some activities which are related to children or sign up for a volunteer to help children which will make me a patient person and cultivate my good habits as well.

Corrected essay:
When it comes to saying about my dream, there is no doubt that I'm eager to be a pediatrician, which is opposed by my parents.
The most significant reason why I'm dreaming of being a pediatrician is that I think it will give me a sense of accomplishment if I can save people's lives through my unremitting efforts, especially the children's. Furthermore, I feel it is a great pleasure to get along with children because of their innocence. And maybe you'll consider me as a childish man, but during the period we get together with children, we can learn a lot from them beyond expectation.
To realize my dream, I will make a great effort to learn medical expertise. Undoubtedly, only this is far from enough. I'll participate in some activities which are related to children or sign up as a volunteer to help children, which will make me a patient person and cultivate my good habits as well.