Writing prompt: Would You Sacrifice Your Health for Beauty?

Student essay:
Although it is important to look one's best in today's world,I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.\nMore and More people look forward to being beautiful that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.Some do cosmetic surgery and apply a heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful.These all do harm to people's health.It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.\nFurthermore,not only should we judge people by their appearance,but also we should judge the whole person.Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without soul.Peopleshouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.\nOnly the people who with health are the most beautiful people.That is the reason why I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.

Corrected essay:
Although it is important to look one's best in today's world, I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.
More and more people look forward to being beautiful and that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days. Some do cosmetic surgery and apply heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful. These all do harm to people's health. It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.
Furthermore, not only should we judge people by their appearance, but also we should judge the whole person. Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without a soul. People shouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.
Only the people with health are the most beautiful people. That is the reason why I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.