Writing prompt: Sweeping Snow

Student essay:
It's a very cold day. When I got up, I open the curtain and saw every thing turn white outside the window. So I want to go outdoors and took some pictures when it shop.
Than the snow stopped, so I went outside with my camera and to took some photos. All the ways are covered with heavy snow. So I walked slowly on the road. Suddenly I saw a man fall down in front of me. Than I thought it was too dangerous for person to walk on the smooth road.
So I came up with a good idea to solve it. I went home and took broom went outside. I went the road where therehas many people walk on it. And I began to sweep the snow on the ground.
When I finished to clean it, I felt very proud of myself. And I saw my parents came up to me, than they saw me sweep the snow. So they praised me, and made me very happy.
By means of this thing, I think, if everyone can do some good thing for other, the world will be more beautiful!

Corrected essay:
It was a very cold day. When I got up, I opened the curtain and saw everything turn white outside the window. So I wanted to go outdoors and take some pictures when it stopped.
Then the snow stopped, so I went outside with my camera and took some photos. All the ways were covered with heavy snow. So I walked slowly on the road. Suddenly I saw a man fall down in front of me. Then I thought it was too dangerous for a person to walk on the smooth road.
So I came up with a good idea to solve it. I went home and took a broom and went outside. I went to the road where many people walked on it. And I began to sweep the snow on the ground.
When I finished cleaning it, I felt very proud of myself. And I saw my parents come up to me. Then they saw me sweep the snow. So they praised me, which made me very happy.
By means of this thing, I think, if everyone can do some good thing for others, the world will be more beautiful!