yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] Dirk:
The Husband Store:

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands.

When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of

the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item

from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you

CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

The 1st floor sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads:

Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
A man cheats on his girlfriend named

Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.

Suddenly, Lorraine died.

At the funeral, the man stands up and sings,

“I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
[Off-topic] Deadly:
Archer uses time machine:eek:

Time and date of this post is :WTF:

**Nothing is True... Everything is Permitted**

Muffins.. muffins everywhere!
[Off-topic] Archer:
My Mum laughed at me when I said I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Did you eat a joke book for breakfast?

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] ROFLkopter:
What's E.T stand for? Cause he can't sit...

Typed with SwiftKey 3 on my CyanogenMod10 powered HTC Explorer using XDA Premium!
[Off-topic] Archer:
Almost. I woke up too damn early so spent the morning catching up on Twitter, where I follow @badjokecat. I also got this beauty from him...

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
Haha I need to follow him
[Off-topic] CB620:
The Nexus 4 is in stock

Hahahahahajaja
[Off-topic] SINGAPOREAN:
iPhone 6 will be powered by Android
[Off-topic] Thats OK:
Rodney goes to his doctor for a checkup.

Doc gives him the once over then asks "any questions?"

Rodney says:

Yeah...what's the cure for old age?

Doc looks down opens his desk drawer takes out a handgun and hands it to Rodney.
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese.

I'll be here all week.

Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Oh Geez not that joke again..

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
I hate street performers. Then again, I'm a

mime, so I can't really talk.
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
Both of you, shut up.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
At least mine was more original :rolleyes:
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Bob: Hey Jack, if you were a caveman, you would die.

Jack: Why...?

Bob: Because everyone dies.

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
[Off-topic] androidino95:
Wife: Do I look fat in these pants?

Husband: Can I say the truth?

Wife: Yes..

Husband: I ****ed your sister.

Sent from my GT-I9000
[Off-topic] odetoandroid:
Person 1: Why did the chicken cross the road?

P2: To get to the other side!

Hardy hardy har

Sent from my muffin, sir.
[Off-topic] Whowahn:
How did the chicken cross the freeway?

take the F off of Free and the F off of way.

:)

You Live To Die.
[Off-topic] Axis_Drummer:
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

Sent from yours truly..

ΧΔΑ Fraternity's Rush Chairman
[Off-topic] Whowahn:
There was a dog named Joke, and one day joke crosses the road and gets hit by a car. Now the joke is over.

You Live To Die.
[Off-topic] yasirmujtaba:
Once a lady goes to doctor and said

"My husband never did good sex with me"

The doctor gives him a bottle of pills and tells her that

you have to give only one pill for normal sex

Two for a little more

First day Lady gives a pill to her hubby and he makes her happy:D

Second day she gives 2 pills and hubby rocked:D:D

Now the tiny brain of lady thinks thst

1pill=normal

2pills=harder

Lets give him all the pills :cool::cool::D

Next day doctor calls the lady for askin the results of his medicine

Lady's som pics up the phone

Doctor-Where is yo mom

Son-Mom,And Grandma are Dead

Uncle and aunty are in hospital

My neighbor couole did a case on my dad

"AND DAD IS RUNNING AFTER MY DOG IN THE GARDEN":D:D:D:D:D

Sent from my Spice Mi-350n using Xparent Red Tapatalk 2
[Off-topic] Thats OK:
^^^^

LOL

Finally an actual joke!

(A misspelled joke, but a joke none the less!)
[Off-topic] yasirmujtaba:
Yeah keybord is mssing keys

Sent from my Spice Mi-350n using Xparent Red Tapatalk 2
[Off-topic] Thats OK:
Ah

A very good joke!

I just read it to the wife she is giggling.
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
What are long, hard, and delicious?

Adjectives.

Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
[Off-topic] rener78:
What's invisible and smells like bananas?

A monkey's fart !!
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint. *claps knee*

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] Nickel Dime Bay:
A skeleton goes to the bar, orders a beer and a mop.
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
Infinite mathematicians walks into a bar

He says; I want one beer

A second one walks in says: I want half of what he had

A third one walks in does the same thing

Another walks in etc

The bartender says : shut up and just poors 2 beers

Account taken over by Ponies HELP?!?!
[Off-topic] mdzaboy:
nice one...haha
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
Where s your joke :confused:

Account taken over by Ponies HELP?!?!
[Off-topic] Deadly:
Its his 2 nd post:eek::eek:

That's the joke... getting post boost in ot in midst of us!!!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

★Nothing is True.. Everything is Permitted©★

Have you seen a Muffin..?;)
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the rooms,

Not a creature was stirring, (we were all out of spoons).

The children were hung, by the chimney with care

in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

Grandma was nestled all snug in her bed

drinking shots of Jack Daniels, eyes glassy and red.

Me with my jimmy, and Ma in her gown

had just settled in and were about to get down.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like the Flash,

tore open the shutter, threw up on the sash.

When what to my wondering eyes did I see

but a sleigh with some deer crashing into my tree.

With a drunken old driver blowing chunks as if sick

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than turtles his coursers they came

and he screamed and he shouted and he called them bad names.

“Go Beavis- go Butthead- Buttofucco and Vixen

on Comet- on Ajax- on Windex and Nixon!”

“To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall

now bash away, crash away, smash away all!”

And then on my roof came the whole blasted herd

they stomped and they pee’d and they dropped their deer turds.

As I grabbed my ol’ shotgun and was turning around

down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.

Dressed like a bum from his head to his foot

I cocked back my rifle and said, “Halt you old coot!”

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back

and in his pocket a bottle in a brown paper sack.

His eyes- oh how bloodshot, his ears- oh how hairy

his nose was quite bulbous and as red as a cherry.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow

and the teeth there inside were the darkest of coal.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth

and it gave off the smell of a peculiar strange leaf.

He was haggard and stoned- a right sorry old elf

and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself.

He flipped me the bird and went straight to his work

then emptied my stockings and called me a jerk.

Then laying his finger inside of his nose

a bright yellow mucus out of his nostrils he blows.

He staggered to his sleigh and to his team gave a shout

“Come along boys, let’s get the hell out!”

And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight

“Merry Christmas dumb schmucks, and to all a good night!”
[Off-topic] Antibot:
Jimmy Wales applied for AdSense and the application's approval is still in process.
[Off-topic] _Variable:
What is better, a Froyo or an Ice Cream Sandwich?
[Off-topic] abhinav quietly brilliant:
jellybean.. lol :p
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
"This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.

She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes..."
[Off-topic] Jonny:
I would tell you a joke about a pencil, but ah... There's no point to it...

:)
[Off-topic] 063_XOBX:
I'd tell you a pizza joke but it's kinda cheesy,
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
I'd tell you a joke about a car, but it already rolled away
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
That's about as funny as a screen door on a battleship.

Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
What's white and goes up?

A silly snowflake
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
There's not a word for that kind of fail. :confused:

Easier than it sounds, harder than it looks.
[Off-topic] Jonny:
Have you heard the joke about a newspaper? Never mind, its tearable...
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
Wha, wha, whaaaaaaaaaa...
[Off-topic] 063_XOBX:
How many Polish engineers to change a lightbulb?

3. 1 to hold it and the other 2 to lift and rotate him.
[Off-topic] sohamssd:
How many homeopathic surgeons are requited to change a light bulb?

only one, but it'd take him 6 months to do that:p
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Q) What's Black and White and red all over?
[Off-topic] Archer:
What's Michelle Obama's favourite vegetable?

Barackoli
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Anyone..?
[Off-topic] Ichigo:
Here’s a growing collection of the top 100 veggie jokes of all time…

What’s the fastest vegetable?

A runner bean

Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road?

Because he ran out of juice.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune?

Because he couldn’t find a date!

What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?

Ketchup.

What vegetables are a sailors enemy?

leeks!

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing…Thank you Tom for this joke

When do you know a banana wants to dance?

When you see a banana shake!

Why do fungi have to pay double bus fares?

Because they take up too mushroom…(mushrooms aren’t strictly a vegetable but we do let them in Secret Seed Society, because they are good friends with vegetables).

Why do mushrooms get invited to all the vegetable parties?

Because they are such fungis (fun guys, get it!)

How does a lemon ask for a hug?

“Give us a squeeze!”

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Lettuce

Lettuce Who?

Lettuce in and you’ll find out!…Thank you to Michael for sending us this joke.

Why aren’t banana’s ever lonely?

…because they hangout in bunches!

Carla Carrot and Grandpa Swede are having a chat

Carla Carrot: “Peter Parsnip beat Rudi Radish in a thumb war.”

Grandpa Swede: “That’s a turnip for the books.”

Why do potatoes always argue?

Because they can never see eye to eye.

Why did the carrot get embarrassed?

Cos it saw the chick pea!…Thank you Evan, for this side-splitter.

Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?

There are too many ears!

What do chickens grow on?

Eggplants!

What did one snowman say to the other?

It all smells like carrots to me.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing…Thank you Tom for this joke

What is small, red and whispers?

A hoarse radish!

When do you know a banana wants to dance?

When you see the banana shake!

When do you know a snail is lying?

When he tells you he’s not at home!

Peter Parsnip has forgotten his punchline too, can you help?

Sources: Some website.

a.k.a. Josepho1997

Just call me Jessica-chun!
[Off-topic] xaccers:
A sunburnt penguin
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Correct! :)
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Ha, I recall hearing a joke like that and the answer was "half a cat" :D

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] Dirk:
:good:

That works too! :D
[Off-topic] Uchooseme:
As you know, Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time. So he had an impressive set of callouses. He also never ate much, making him fragile. And with his odd diet, he had bad breath. This made him a: Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis :laugh:
[Off-topic] Dirk:
9/10!

Q) What's the difference between a lost golf ball and Lady Godiva?

A) One's a hunt on the course.....
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Now had you said "read" instead of "red" the answer would be different.

What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a maggot?
[Off-topic] prototype7:
Finding half a maggot.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Yup
[Off-topic] prototype7:
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Wait for it....

Very little.
[Off-topic] ROFLkopter:
I'd tell you a joke about butter, but you'd only spread it...

Sent from a Paranoid Nexus 7 with XDA Premium!
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
I'd tell you a joke about you being a midget, but it would go right over your head.
[Off-topic] veeman:
What happened to the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa

Sent from my Nexus 7

Stop... MUFFIN TIME!!!
[Off-topic] Whowahn:
Lol

You Live To Die.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Just read this warning on another forum. It's worth taking note of.

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Then again on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.
[Off-topic] Nate456:
I heard oxygen and magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.

Sent from Curiosity on Mars.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
The primary school teacher gave her class an assignment "get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it"

The next day the kids came back and one by one they each told their stories,

Kathy said "my Father is a Farmer and he has a lot of egg-laying hens, one time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of our pick up when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying,....And what's the moral of the story? "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"

"Very good" said the teacher,... "Now Lucy?"....."our family are Farmer's too, but we raise chickens, we had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks,...and the moral here is don't count your chickens before they hatch"

That's a fine story Lucy,....Johnny do you have a story to share?

"yes ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my aunt Karen,...Aunt Karen was a Flight Engineer in Desert storm; and her plane got hit and she had to bail out over enemy territory,and all she had was a bottle of whiskey a Machine gun and a Machete, anyway she drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break,..then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops,.... she killed seventy with the machine gun until the bullets ran out,....then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke,...then she killed the last ten with her bare hands, "Good heavens" said the horrified Teacher, what moral did you gain from that story,

"Don't screw with Aunt Karen when she's been Drinking"
[Off-topic] I r o n M a n:
So what happens is a top drug dealer has a treasurer who can't speak. So that nobody can extract information from him. But this also means that the drug dealer need an interpreter who can interpret sign language to communicate with the treasurer. So the interpreter dies. A few days later, 5 million goes missing. So they hire a new interpreter. The drug dealer says to the interpreter- 'ask him where the money is or I'll shoot him in the head'

The interpreter conveys it to the treasurer in sign language.

The treasurer replies in sign language 'okay, okay! I've hidden the money in the barn of my farmhouse on highway 66'

The interpreter looks and the drug dealer who says- 'Well! What is he saying?'

'He's saying you don't have the balls to do it'
[Off-topic] hooligan007:
Funny Application Letters

1. A student’s leave letter:

“As I am suffering from my uncle’s marriage I cannot attend the class….”

2. A candidate’s application:

“This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ‘typist And an accountant – Male or Female’… As I am both for the past Several years and I can handle both; I am applying for the post.”

3. I.T.I.: An employee applied for leave as follows:

Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.

4. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:

“Since I’ve to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clocks and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave”

5. A leave letter to the headmaster:

“As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today”

6. An incident of a leave letter:

“I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday.”

7. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:

As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

8. A covering note:

“I am enclosed herewith…”

9. From H.A.L. Administration dept:

As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, Please grant me 10 days leave.

10. Actual letter written for application of leave:

“My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband At home I may be granted leave”.

11. Letter writing:

“I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well.”

12. Another gem from I.T.I. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter’s wedding:

“As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week’s leave…”
[Off-topic] mnishamk:
How to confuse a mental patient?

with a pineapple.

confused?i know it works every time

-----------------------
[Off-topic] NightHawk877:
How do you keep an idiot busy?

Find an empty round room and tell the person to sit in the corner.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
Can't they just sit on the ground in the corner? :confused:

Sent from the phalanges of my hand to the facet of your cranium.
[Off-topic] mnishamk:
Good people are found in every corner of earth.

Unfortunately earth is round!!

Sent from my Xperia Mini Pro
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
Just read this warning on another forum. It's worth taking note of.

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket store, in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen on October 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Then again on November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam

You just got trolled by Darkknight
[Off-topic] mnishamk:
Sent from my Xperia Mini Pro
[Off-topic] VaderSKN:
Odp: Post a Joke Folks .......
[Off-topic] mnishamk:
oh yeah? Top this

Sent from my Xperia Mini Pro
[Off-topic] DD-Ripper:
This is the best divorce letter ever..! :D

Don't know if it had been posted but still...;)

------------------------------------------------

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new nightie. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s** or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife. Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to Invercargill together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & *****ing. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!' Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten pork for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on it, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I won the 20 million dollar Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed, Your Ex-Husband, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.....
[Off-topic] mnishamk:
How deep is the specific ocean?

A. Could you be more Pacific
[Off-topic] dabeez98:
Odp: Post a Joke Folks .......

What's red and not good for the teeth?

Brick

Sent from God's tool - Tapatalk using a SGS2