yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Wife From Hell

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,

'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!'
[Off-topic] orb3000:
Just found this:D:D
[Off-topic] galaxys:
LOL...Oh shi# :eek: is an understatement :D
[Off-topic] flyboyovyick:
If you smoke drugs while doing a handstand you wont get high!!! lol

flyboy
[Off-topic] Fallen Spartan:
May have been posted before, but possibly worth repeating......

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Also, quite liked this one.........

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can pi$$ into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."

The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."

The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pi$$ing. He starts pi$$ing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.

The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."

The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.

The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."

The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could pi$$ all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."
[Off-topic] kazzxtrismus:
these are the jokes I know... I do not like or endorse their opinions.

*Racism is a term for those who don't realize we all suck*

1. What do you call a Jewish guy in a $10 hat. ... the pope

2. Why do Jewish men get circumcised... Because Jewish women wont take anything unless its 30% off

3. what do you call 2 mexicans on the back of a fire truck.. Hosea & Hoseb

4. what do you call 200 black people in a barn.... Antique farm equipment

5. If Nissan Motor sports is acronym-ed NISMO... Whats Honda Motor sports?

6. If I wanted a comeback from you Id scrape the roof of yer mouth

Story 1:

3 guys in a bar are bragging about their dicks.

The 1st says "ooh jeesh I got like 10" , you aint got nuthin on that."

the 2nd guy laughs and says "I've got 11" and im 3" thick!"

the 3rd Guy says "I gots u both beat I have 12" and 3" thick."

By now the bartender has heard enough as this is not exactly the conversation he was hoping to endure for the night.

so he speaks up telling the drunkards to settle the debate "whippem 'em out and we'll see who wins"

the 3 guys decide thats a great idea as they all have no reason to be embarrassed.

after whipping them all out on to the table the bartender calls over a waitress to evaluate. The waitress seems to be checking thoroughly over and under gauging and measuring whena fag walks in and says

"MMM BUFFET!"

Story 2:

3 old ladies are sitting on a park bench, when a man wearing a trench coat walks up to them and flashes them!

2 had a stroke 1 couldn't reach
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?

A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?

A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?

A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?

A. **** Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?

A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"

A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?

A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying ****.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?

A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?

A. He came home **** faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?

A. An itchy ****.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?

A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?

A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?

A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?

A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?

A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?

A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?

A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

Q. What is the difference between Iraq's air force and the United States' Air Force?

A. The U.S. pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

Q. What is the difference between growing old and growing up?

A. Growing old is mandatory.
[Off-topic] Fallen Spartan:
Classic mate, though I do think its a fake ;)
[Off-topic] Zd0s:
i got a joke

in a sauna there are three men

the first man says to the others "hey look a have a phone implanted in my hand it's amazing."

then the second man says "i've got my email embedded in my eyes so i just flutter them and i can check my email

the third man feeling really low tec decides to go in to the toliet and shove some toliet roll up his arse. Then he comes back into the sauna and says "what do you know i'm having a fax"

lol
[Off-topic] Purple Drama Llama:
NO der....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A boy takes his girlfriend home after going out together. When they reach the front door, he leans against the wall with one hand and says,

"Sweetie, can you give me a blowjob?"

"What? Are you crazy!?"

He says "Don't worry, it will be quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see -- a relative, a neighbor, anyone..."

"At this time of the night? No one will show up honey..."

She insistently says "I've already said NO. Someone will see us."

At this point he pleas one last time, "My love... Please don't be like that..."

At that moment, the girlfriend's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says,

"Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the damn intercom button!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous,"

The first kid says, "you've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze,"

The second kid then asks, "what are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A Circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
[Off-topic] c903jerk:
There was young man who was rushing to the office.Suddenly,a foriegn man crashed into him.After the foriegn man helped picked up the young man's stuff:

Foriegn man:Oh.I'm sorry

Young man:It's OK.Never mind.Thank you.

Foriegn man:Thank you too

Young man:Thank you three

Foriegn man:What for?

Young man:Thank you five.

Foriegn man:Are you sick?

The young man started to freak out and ran away while saying:

Young man:Thank you seven.Errr....Bye-bye.

Foriegn man:Errrr.......(Puzzled)
[Off-topic] :
A woman comes home and tells her husband "my gynecologist says I can't have sex for 3 weeks". The husband replies "what did your dentist say?"

Ba dun chh
[Off-topic] atishey23:
America's most confusing day:

Father's day ..

80% dont know whom to wish

20% are scared some one will come and wish them.
[Off-topic] :
An old, blind cowboy wanders in an all girl biker bar by mistake. After sitting at the bar for a while, he hollers at the bartender "hey do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls silent. The woman next to him says, "before you tell that joke cowboy I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you know: the bartender is a blonde with a baseball bat, the bouncer is a blonde, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde body builder, the lady sitting next to you is blonde and a professional wrestler, and I'm a 6'2" blonde. Now think about it seriously. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" the cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says, "no, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.".
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Velcro, what a rip off!

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[Off-topic] flipq88:
Women's rights
[Off-topic] Theshawty:
Joke of the day, no wait, joke of all time:

Apple.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Your mum's so dumb she locked herself on Tescos and starved to death.

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[Off-topic] lreyes:
Ok man to man talk here..

Women say they want equal rights but they dont want to be hit by a guy. thats not equal rights.
[Off-topic] lreyes:
Yo mama is so dumb she got hit by a parked car
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Or pay equal tax xD

Your mum's so fat that she stepped on the scales and it said 'to be continued'

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[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
why did the girl fall off the swing?

... she got shot
[Off-topic] lreyes:
Finally some other guy risks getting hit by their wife/girlfriend xD

Like i dont want to hit a girl
[Off-topic] :
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch because he decides what time it is.
[Off-topic] jimbo.levy:
Baby seal walks into a club...
[Off-topic] 063_XOBX:
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
[Off-topic] TravisBean:
When does a monkey have a trunk ?

When a suitcase just won't do.
[Off-topic] prototype7:
I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate, "I probably won't be in here too long."

"What are you talking about?" he said, "you're here for 30 years!"

"Yeah, I know, but I'm sure my wife will break me out, she'd never let me finish a sentence!"
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
A biologist was interested in studying how far bullfrogs can jump. He brought a bullfrog into his laboratory, set it down, and commanded, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog jumped across the room.The biologist measured the distance, then noted in his journal, "Frog with four legs jumped eight feet."Then he cut the frog's front legs off. Again he ordered, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog struggled a moment, then jumped a few feet.After measuring the distance, the biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with two legs jumped three feet."Next, the biologist cut off the frog's back legs. Once more, he shouted, "Jump, frog, jump!"The frog just lay there."Jump, frog, jump!" the biologist repeated.Nothing.The biologist noted in his journal, "Frog with no legs - lost its hearing."

Sent from Hell!!

---------- Post added at 03:40 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:38 PM ----------

If you came across Justin Bieber struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him and getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph. What shutter speed would you use?

Sent from Hell!!

---------- Post added at 03:41 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:40 PM ----------

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

Sent from Hell!!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Three men, one Jamaican, one Trini and a Bajan were sitting naked in

a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound,the Jamaican pressed

his

forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at him

questioningly.

That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of

my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Trini fellow lifted his palm

to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile

phone. I

have a microchip in my hand." The Bajan felt decidedly low tech,

but not

to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as

impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned

with a piece

of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their

eyebrows and stared at him.

The Bajan finally said-------"Well, will you look at that, I'm

getting a fax.
[Off-topic] Isaygarcia:
http://www.fotolog.com/okami_isa

Joke? xD!! well is a kindda funny Pac-Calc : ) (use a translator)
[Off-topic] Digital.Diablo:
Whats grey and can't climb trees?

A Carpark.

</tumbleweed> :D
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
HIS AND HER DIARY

HER DIARY:

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made

plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping

with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset

at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no

comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that

we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he

kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he

said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was

upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to

worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he

simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his

behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you, too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he

wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there

and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally

I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to

bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we

made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and

his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could

not take it anymore and to confront him with the

situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying

and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to

do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone

else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Today the Yankees lost. At least I got laid.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
PARKING TICKETS

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for

only about five minutes. When I came out there was a

motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to

him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a girl

a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I

called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and

started writing another ticket for having worn tires!

So I called him a piece of horse poop.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield

with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Driving to the office this morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple of seconds, and when I looked back she was half way over in my lane, still working on her makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. However she scared me so much that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!!!!!!!!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the smalltable. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating myporridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. HeLooks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating myporridge?!!" he roars.

Mamma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you two idiots? It was Mamma Bear who got up first, it was Mamma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mamma Bear who made the coffee, it was Mamma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Mamma Bear who went out in the cold early-morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mamma Bear who set the damn table, it was Mamma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish, and now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear asses downstairs and grace Mamma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time...

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F*****G PORRIDGE YET !!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed

them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he

notices that none of the pigs are getting

pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells

the farmer that he should try artificial

insemination. The farmer doesn't have the

slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to

display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he

will know when the pigs are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing

around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in

the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He

comes to the conclusion that artificial

insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them

out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings

them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the

pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing

around, he concludes that the first try didn't

take, and loads them in the truck again. He

drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig

twice for good measure, brings them back and goes

to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs are still

just standing around. One more try, he tells

himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive

them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging

the pigs and, upon returning home, falls

listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself

from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his

wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are

laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in

the truck and one of them's honking the horn".
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Inertsetnig...

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in what oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

Ceehiro
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Black Folks In Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have Black folks up here in Heaven who are

causing some problems.

They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes, ham hock, chicken, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over the streets of Gold. Some folk are

walking around with one wing. They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is

messin up they hair ." The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is home to all my children. If you

really want to know about problems, let's call the Devil. The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Dang, hold

on." The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do for you?" The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems

you are having down there." The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and put the Lord on hold. After 5 minutes he returned

to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back. What was the question?" The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down

there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't belie..... hold on, Lord". This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes. The Devil returned and

said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now. These Negroes dun put the fire out, and are trying to install air conditioning!"