yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."

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How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it." "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other. "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same

way - 'Take a clean dish."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, "Hmm... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. Why do women have small feet?

A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?

A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?

A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What's the difference between a man and ET?

A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

A. It doesn't need cleaning.

Q. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?

A. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called **** scrapes.

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your ****?

A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?

A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?

A. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?

A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.

A. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?

A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat's done cleaning himself?

A. He's smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who's the world's greatest athlete?

A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?

A. Women don't get blow jobs while they're driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?

A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man's ego...

A. "Is it in?"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?

A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?

A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A. A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?

A. They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?

A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?

A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?

A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?

A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?

A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?

A. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?

A. We'd eat ***** every Thanksgiving.

Q. What's the difference between love and herpes?

A. Love doesn't last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.

A. The thief was spending less then his wife.
[Off-topic] Farsquidge:
Short sightedness??? Click on thumbnail for best results!!
[Off-topic] mariner_heart:
some really great jokes here in this thread.

keep going.awesome jokes!
[Off-topic] WMnoob:
lol

why did the chicken cross the road?

to get to the other side?

<<< LOL!:D
[Off-topic] rfarnell:
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

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Dr Dre
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
OK now how about you add some jokes mate ... Its open for all XDA'ers
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

A. They can both smell it, but can't eat it.

Q. You know why they say that eating oysters will improve a man's sex life?

A. Because women know if he'll eat one of those, he'll eat anything!

Q. Why does a bride smile when she's walking down the aisle?

A. She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q. Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

A. Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

Q. What is the definition of "making love"?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.

Q. What's the only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back?

A. A police horse.

Q. What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?

A. They're hiring.

Q. Did you hear Richard Simmons had plastic surgery to get his love handles removed?

A. Yeah...now he has no ears.

Q. Do you know how to eat a frog?

A. You put one leg over each ear.

Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.

Q. How do you **** a fat chick?

A. Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog.

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q. Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?

A. Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?

A. A private tutor.

Q. What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

A. Homeless.

Q. What has 2 grey legs and 2 brown legs?

A. An elephant with diarrhea.

Q. Why did the Avon lady walk funny?

A. Her lipstick

Q. What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?

A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What is the smallest hotel in the world?

A. A *****, cause you have to leave the bags outside.

Q. What do a toilet and a woman have in common?

A. Without the hole in the middle they aren't good for ****.

Q. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

A. Even the pool table has no balls.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

A. Well hung.

Q. What two words will clear out a men's changing room quicker than anything else?

A. Nice ****!

Q. How do you know when a Barbie has her period?

A. All your tic tacks are gone.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

A. Popeye almost killed him!

Q. How can you tell a head nurse?

A. She's the one with the dirty knees!

Q. What do you call three lesbians in bed together?

A. Mï¿½nage ï¿½ twat.

Q. What do you call hemorrhoids on a fag?

A. Speed bumps.

Q. What is the lightest thing in the world?

A. A penis...even a thought can raise it.

Q. What do gay kids get for Christmas?

A. Erection Sets.

Q. Where do fags park?

A. In the rear.

Q. Difference between a man buying a lottery ticket and a man fighting with his wife...

A. A man has a chance at winning at the lottery.

Q. What does a female snail say during sex?

A. Faster, faster, faster!

Q. What is the noisiest thing in the world?

A. Two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.

Q. What's red and blue with a long string?

A. A smurfette with her period.

Q. What do you call an adolescent rabbit?

A. A pubic hair.

Q. Define "Egghead:"

A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Q. How can you tell if you have acne?

A. If the blind can read your face.

Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?

A. Wool!

Q. What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?

A. They just kinda lay there.

Q. What did the woman say to her swimming instructor?

A. "Will I really drown if you take your finger out?"

Q. Why did the lumber truck stop?

A. To let the lumber jack off.

Q. Why did the woman get thrown out of the riding stable?

A. She wanted to mount the horse her way.

Q. Hey, what's sticky, white and falls from the sky?

A. The cumming of the Lord

Q. How did the tugboat get AIDS?

A. It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Q. How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?

A. A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.

Q. What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?

A. A bandleader ****s his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.

Q. Do you know what the square root of 69 is?

A. Ate something.

Q. What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?

A. About three inches.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?

A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

Q. Why do women have two holes so close together?

A. In case you miss.

Q. When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?

A. When he eats his first Brownie
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. Why did the boy fall off the swing?

A. He didn't have any arms.

Q. What's the definition of eternity?

A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's gray, sits at the bed and takes the piss?

A. A kidney dialysis machine.

Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?

A. **** Stubble.

Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?

A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.

Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"

A. A blind person with a rubix cube.

Q. Why did God invent yeast infection?

A. So women know what it feels like to live with an annoying ****.

Q. Did you hear about the two gay guys that had an argument in the bar?

A. They went outside to exchange blows.

Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?

A. He came home **** faced.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?

A. An itchy ****.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?

A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Q. Why are roach clips called roach clips?

A. Because "pot holder" was already taken.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?

A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

Q. Why do women have arms?

A. Have you any idea how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?

Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?

A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. How are men like noodles?

A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why don't Canadians have group sex?

A. Too many thank-you letters to write afterwards.

Q. Why are hangovers better than women?

A. Hangovers will go away.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them.

Q. What's the difference between a 'Spice Girls' video and a porn video?

A. The porn video has better music!

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?

A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
[Off-topic] guitarguy:
A guy walks into a bar, sits down on a barstool, and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink, and then unable to control himself any longer, says to the man: "Excuse me sir, I have to ask. You have an incredibly muscular and toned body, but why do you have such a small head?"

The man nods, as if he has answered the question many times before...

"Well, one day I was hunting in the forest. All of a sudden, I heard someone screaming for help. I ran towards the sound, and when I got there, I saw that is was a frog that was screaming for help. I asked the frog what I could do to help it, and it told me that it was a genie, and all I had to do was kiss it, and I would be granted 3 wishes!!"

"So I looked around, just to make sure nobody was watching, and I kissed the frog. Suddenly, the frog turned into the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and she was bare naked!"

The beautiful genie said: "Thank you for trusting me, I will now grant you your 3 wishes. What is your first wish?"

The man thinks for a few seconds, and says: "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger."

Seconds later, poof! He developed bulging muscles, so much so that all his clothing tore off him, leaving him naked.

The beautiful genie said: "What is your second wish?"

Without hesitation, the man says: "I want to have sex with you right here, right now!"

They proceeded to have the most amazing sex of the man's life, it lasted for hours.

When they were finally done, laying in the after-glow of amazing sex, the genie asked him what his third and final wish would be...

"How 'bout a little head?"