yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] aross01:
Beware the bread - It's dangerous!

Research on bread indicates that:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that the following bread restrictions be made:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
[Off-topic] aross01:
Men vs women - Part I

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
[Off-topic] aross01:
Men vs women - Part II

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

The wife replied, "in-laws."
[Off-topic] aross01:
Men vs women - Part III

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
[Off-topic] aross01:
Men vs women - Part IV

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said,

"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS".
[Off-topic] aross01:
Oxymorons

anticipating the unanticipated

All natural artificial flavor

alone together

Aunt Jemima Light

barely dressed

clearly misunderstood

click the start button to shut down

Dodge Ram

devout atheist

disposable products with a lifetime guarantee

dying is a part of life

Extended Deadline

Fresh from Concentrate

good beating

head butt

highly visible covert operation

impatient patient

intense disinterest

long sleeve t-shirt

Mobil™ station

Park Drive

Plastic silverware

pretty ugly

rubber cement

sound of silence

taped live

Thank God I'm an Atheist
[Off-topic] aross01:
A Few of the 50 most embarrassing ways to die

:eek:

50. Getting crushed by poorly-mounted plasma TV over your bed

45. Re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”

35. Drowning in a teaspoon of water

37. Bleeding out following an adult circumcision

35. Drowning during your Born-Again baptism

33. Severing your penis trying to open a can of tuna fish

30. Chaffing yourself to death with one-ply toilet paper

26. Failing to seek medical attention after four-hour erection

21. Snorting Gold Bond that you thought was cocaine

18. Like Roy Horn (Almost)

12. Brain hemorrhage while trying to force out a huge turd

4. Looking down the barrel of a gun to see if it’s loaded…

1. Getting your head cut off by a Hall of Fame running back
[Off-topic] aross01:
Good Stuff

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a-head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes in-verse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Cancel Your Credit Card

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)
[Off-topic] CAPHI:
A friend talking to a fellow:

-Men... yesterday a get the divorce, after 15 years of marriage... and today i am becoming a homo!!!

- WTF!?!?! Why??? what happen??? Are you insane??? replies his friend...

- Easy... I prefer have my ass busted once in a while and not my balls every single day!!!
[Off-topic] + Que PPC:
R Stones!!!

What does a stone said to another stone?????

Give some weed!!!????? :p jajajaj no no no (Maybe The Rollin$ stone$ said that in their good times but now...?)

Really it says.....

What a hard life!!!! :p jajajajaja

Was more fun the rolling stone one isnt it?

jajajaja
[Off-topic] DaveShaw:
You should name you dog "deefa"... :)

Dave
[Off-topic] pazookie:
what does a gay horse eat.....HEYYYYYYYYYY
[Off-topic] pazookie:
what do you call a mexican with a rubber toe.........roberto
[Off-topic] JamminJaguar:
Why shouldn't women be given drivers licenses?

Because there are no roads between the bedroom and kitchen.
[Off-topic] farukb:
hhhahahahhahahahahahahahhahah i know how painful it can be:)
[Off-topic] zocster:
He finally did it!!
[Off-topic] galaxys:
Good one :D your on a roll....;)
[Off-topic] + Que PPC:
NIce men!

Very good! :p
[Off-topic] orb3000:
LOL!!!

Hahaha!

It´s fantastic:D:D:D
[Off-topic] orb3000:
The best ear piece

Just bringing to life this humour thread:D
[Off-topic] supersanj:
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:

'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

'What are my choices?' the man asked.

'Yes or no,'

she replied.
[Off-topic] supersanj:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
[Off-topic] supersanj:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant:

'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The assistant replied, 'I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
[Off-topic] supersanj:
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'

'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked

'What the heck happened to you?'

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Last one for today:

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a cab in New York City .

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him

the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies

those women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she said.
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Discrimination...will it ever end??
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Sometimes its better to have a small one:
[Off-topic] Kristaps-K9-Lv:
A hedgehog learned to breathe through his bottom(rear or call it how you like), He sat on a rock and suffocated!!!

Man: Mr repairman, my tv has lost its sound!!

Repairman: How did it lost it?

Man: well I poked my ear and suddenly I couldnt hear the tv anymore!!

Those are few in translation from Latvian , in Lv they sounded better!!
[Off-topic] orb3000:
Lol!!

Hilarious!!!

I must agree with that sign:cool:
[Off-topic] ingerasu:
A 70 years oldman who has just married came to a doctor to check his sperm health.

The doctor took a jar and said "take this jar home, and return it tomorrow morning with your sperm sample inside"

On the next day, this oldman returned to the doctor and gave the jar. But the jar was still empty and no sperm at all inside it.

The doctor asked him why it's still empty and he said "Ok Doc, i tried it with my right hand but i couldnt, then i tried with my left hand, i couldnt, i even tried with both my hands and still i couldnt..then i asked my wife to try it with her right hand she failed, she even tried with her mouth but i still got no luck"

"Oh no, it's serious problem", said the doctor

"Soon, i called Betty, a young girl next door to come for helping me", the oldman continued. "In front of me and my wife, she tried with her right hand but she failed, then she tried with both her hands and she still failed, she even tried to clamp with her legs and she failed again and again".

"What??!! She did those all in front of your wife and she wasnt angry??" asked the doctor curiously

"No, she wasnt angry at all..and until this morning before i came here, Betty, my wife and i still cant open the cover of this jar"
[Off-topic] telegraph0000:
A bear walks into a bar, says

"I would like to order a martini.........................................................................................................................................on the rocks"

Bartender asks, "Why the long pause?"

Bear responds, "I don't know, I've always had them"
[Off-topic] telegraph0000:
I'm a city boy and my wife grew up on a farm...

I never saw a cow until I met my wife.

Why did the woman cross the road---SHE DIDN'T!!!

The kitchen's the other way!!!!
[Off-topic] At0mAng:
My Joke

<Walks up on stage and grabs mic...testing 1 2, testing 1 2>

So a mom sends her kid to the market to pick up some fish and a a few other items.

The kid has a speach problem, she can not speak that well.

Before I go any further I am not making fun of anyone with a speach problem. I am Italian and I can make a joke about myself...

How do you get an Italian to shut up?

You cut off their hands and/or feed them pasta :D

Anyway back to original joke...

So the girl has a speach problem and she is sent to the market to get some fish.

She gets to the market and she realizes she forget to bring her pen and pad so she can write things down and give it to the people helping her.

So she goes to the fish stand and asks the guy for 5 lbs (Kilos whatever the weight of measurement is in your country) of Mackerel.

The guy says to her, I am sorry but I can not understand you so well.

So she attempts to say it again but yet he still can not understand her.

She is mad and is thinking of how she can get her order across to him.

She sticks her hand down her pants!

And places it in front in the guys face, right by his nose.

He jumps back and SCREAMS Holy Mackerel!!!!

So so she says in a hard to understand way, YEAH 5 LBS (Kilos whatever the weight of measurement is in your country)!!!!!

<ducks from the eggs being thrown>

There you got two jokes for the price of one and now go change your pants from peeing in them from laughing so hard :D
[Off-topic] At0mAng:
Patience...

OK I recovered from all the egg throwing and want so more...

The story I was told when someone tried to teach me patience.

Two male bulls sitting on top of hill checking out the the cows graze and making typical male comments when they are checking out females.

One bull says to the other..."Lets go rushing down there and f*ck one of those cows"

The other Bull replies.."Let's take our time and f*ck them all"

And that is why I am slightly mentally ill :D
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Fondling in Bed

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote."
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."
[Off-topic] DaveShaw:
And 6 to help fix the problems...

Making... 1337 :D:D

Dave
[Off-topic] supersanj:
Mike, how long has this been stewing then???
[Off-topic] supersanj:
My apologies if this offends anyone but it is a joke so please take it as one.

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's

and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

"What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'

"Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every

shape, size, colour

and material imaginable.

'"ctually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types

of bras to choose from ."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the

Presbyterian,

and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded, 'It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
[Off-topic] supersanj:
An email i got today. not really a joke but quite cool:

I am sending this only to my smart friends. I could not figure it out and had to look at the answer. See if you can figure out what these words have in common. Without peeking!!

1. Banana

2. Dresser

3. Grammar

4. Potato

5. Revive

6. Uneven

7. Assess

Are you peeking or have you already given up? Give it another try....

Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer. This is so cool.....

Answer: No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer: In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out? No? Then send to more people and stump them as well. Then, you'll feel better too.
[Off-topic] orb3000:
ouch!

Well this is not a written joke but thought to share here:D:D
[Off-topic] ingerasu:
new handsfree

available soon for your device :D
[Off-topic] supersanj:
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says:

"Tits"
[Off-topic] supersanj:
4 bottles of life

4 bottles of life
[Off-topic] supersanj:
worst name ever??
[Off-topic] orb3000:
Lol!!

Hahahaha!!!

Poor guy, I wonder how he spent his old school years:D:D
[Off-topic] telegraph0000:
I dunno...but here's his old high school picture...
[Off-topic] telegraph0000:
and...oh...the double entendres...