yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A Man's View

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from

the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON

PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it

down.

You can handle it. We need it

up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving

it

down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one Subtle hints do

not

work! Strong hints do not

work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every

question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's

what we

do. Sympathy is what

your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In

fact, all

comments become null

and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us to

act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the

ways

makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it

done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a

color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like

nothing's

wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer

you

don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to

discuss

such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

Additionally, if we say "nothing" it really means we don't have a

thought in our head

at the time...men are able to do this with no difficulty.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the

couch

tonight; but did you know

men really don't mind that, it's like camping
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
One day a Florist goes to a Barber for a haircut. After the cut,he goes to

pay the Barber and the Barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept

money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and

leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,

there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.

A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber

and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money

from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves

the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a

Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door.

An Italian guy goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay

the Barber and the barber replies:'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money

from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Italian guy of course is

very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his

shop, he finds a Dozen Italians waiting for a haircut.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The Mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air,

pulls out a gun and shoots the glass

to pieces. He says "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap that we don't

need to drink from the same one twice"

The Iraqi [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his

glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says "In Iraq we have so much sand to

make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass

twice either"

The American, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it,

throws his

glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi.

He says "In the USA, we have so many Mexicans and Iraqis that we don't

need to drink with the same ones twice".
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Can you guess which of the following are true or false?

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up

in the morning.

2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth

every 10 yrs.

4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being

indoors a lot more.

5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop even your heart!

6. Only seven ( 7 ) per cent of the population are lefties.

7. 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

8. Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear

until they are 2-6 years old.

9. The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting

in

lines.

10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

11. The average housefly lives for one month.

12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.

13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the

day.

16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.

;17. The REAL reason ostriches stick thei! r head i n the sand

is

to search for water.

18. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without

turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An

Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie".

20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State

anthem.

21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a

mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place

of

the milk.

22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the

same airplane just in case t here is a crash.

23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a

tomato can for a carburetor.

24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords

cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein

transplant

surgery.

25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th

cousins.

26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

ALL OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE

#16 really bugs me :-)
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND..............

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends."

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no #9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't #9

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Now thats talent !!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Just a thought.....

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour

a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The

blockage will be almost instantly removed

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by

getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat

by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: just cut yourself and

bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent

you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the

snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then

you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer ! and

you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and

should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct

tape...

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know

when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Bad Luck Marriage

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for

several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You

have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were

there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed

right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You

know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with

warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft Office.

I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.

I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You're probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.

I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I'm a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I've been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don't throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
None of them apply to me! :D
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Okie dokie ...... Then you are lucky .... Let me put up a new joke now ...
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
What is Politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let

me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call

him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes

off to bed thinking about what Dad has said .

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parent's

room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the

nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in

bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the

concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what

you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing

the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored

and the Future is in deep ****."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
15 Things To Do At Wal-Mart or Target While Your Spouse/Partner Is

Taking Their Sweet F*@king Time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when

they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the ladies rest

rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code

3' in housewares .... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers

you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks "would you like help?", begin to cry and ask 'Why

can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick

your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he

knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission

Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using

different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK

ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal

position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

( And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,

then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet!!!!!!!!"
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
A worrying number of those I have done...

And the rest will be coming to a shop near you! :D
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
You are bad mate ... But let me give you another joke to read ... Have you read the whole thread already ??????
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR...

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

And my favourite one...

13. Potential Murder Suspect
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
Most of it... I need to get out more...
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Ok another for the funny guy ... LOL
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little

perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I

wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective

parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and

answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a

highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you

hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but

since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar

like a little hook. You can't see it because of my

feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak

English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can

converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic:

politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm

especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy

me.. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just

can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth

is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can

probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great

sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he

understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's

insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,

"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I

don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about

your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife

greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up

her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees

and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding

items the woman wished to

purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet

I noticed a remote control for a television set in

her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to

come shopping with me, and

I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to

him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot

wax pour it onto your

upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and

still be afraid of a

spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with

communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to

the instructor, "It

is essential that husbands and wives know the

things that are important to

each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your

wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and

whispered, "It's

Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll

stop right here.

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and

down the aisles. The

sales girl notices him and asks him if she can

help him. He answers that

he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the

correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a

huge bag of cotton

balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were

looking for some tampons

for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday,

I sent my wife to the

store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came

back with a tin of

tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's

sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ...........

so does she.

( this guy could be the one on the milk carton! )
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several

miles, not saying a

word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument

and neither of them

wanted to concede their position. As they passed a

barnyard of mules, goats,

and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how

many words women use a

day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we

have to repeat

everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked,

"What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how

you can be so stupid and

so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God

made me beautiful so you

would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I

would be attracted to

you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about

who should brew the

coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get

up first, and then we

don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking

around here and you should do it, because that is

your job, and I can just

wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides,

it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New

Testament and showed him at the top of several

pages, that it indeed

says.......... "HEBREWS"

PASS THESE ALONG.

Live well, Love much, Laugh often