yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] cikos:
I got my first full-time job, but I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.

My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed. “Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?” “The one that has no roast beef.”

“Wanted to buy: playpen, cradle, high chair; also two single beds.”

Something tells me I need to lose some weight. During a recent trip to visit my son and his family, I stopped off at a bakery to pick up dessert. After scanning the display case, I settled on a dozen pound-cake cupcakes. The clerk’s pleasant response: “Is that for here or to go?”

While shopping for a bathroom scale, I found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. I nixed that one in favor of a low-tech model. As I told the salesperson, “I don’t need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.”
[Off-topic] MigoMujahid:
"What do snipers do to show their love? They miss you ♥️"

"a cop pulled me over and yelled 'PAPERS' I said 'scissors' and drove off"

"Why was 69 afraid of 70? Because they had a fight and 71"

Some dad jokes for y'all ?
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
[FONT=&quot]Marriage...............

[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I require only three things of a man: he must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A man's wife has more power over him than the state has.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]To the bride and groom - may we all be invited to your golden wedding celebrations...[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]To the Newly Weds: May 'for better or worse' be far better than worse.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.[/FONT]

:D
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
[FONT=&quot]Marriage Contd..................

[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]To the 2 secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage...Here's to good sense of humor and a short memory![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]You know, the trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to actually prove it.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Grooms, once you marry, please remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always try to get the last two words in: "Yes dear"[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Married life has many Ups and Downs...May most of yours be between the sheets![/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Here's to the bride - may she share everything with her husband...and that includes the housework.[/FONT]
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A middle-aged woman had a heart

attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing

God, she asked, "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to

live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and

have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more

time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her

last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the

street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had

another 40+ years?!? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that

ambulance?" >

God replied, "Girrrrllll! I didn't recognize you!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
WHEN A MAN SAID THE 'RIGHT THING'...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open

his

eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass

of

water on the side table. He

sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order,

spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast

is

on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and

the

morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty

asks,"Son,

what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye

when you

stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm

married!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Been Drinking

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called. You left your wheelchair there again."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The Road To Oz

Long after Dorothy, Toto and the rest of the gang left the land of Oz, Good Witch Glenda of the North was horribly bored. She spent her days just floating around in her little bubble gazing at the land of Oz, hoping for someone to help or inspire.

One day, while floating around in her bubble, she passed over a pond and saw a lonely little yellow toad perched on a lilly pad. He looked extremely depressed. She floated down to the toad and asked him what could be the matter. "Oh Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored yellow, whereas all the other little toads in the pond are green. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the toad, and his color changed to green. That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained bright yellow. "Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower extremities! They're still yellow, while the rest of me is green!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear little toad. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz." So, in hopeful anticipation, he began hopping off toward the castle, where the Wizard of Oz resided.

Glenda the Good Witch continued her surveillance of the land of Oz, floating around in her bubble. As she was passing over a pasture, she looked down to spot a pink elephant who looked horribly depressed. "Oh, Good Witch Glenda, you are right. I AM horribly depressed. I am completely colored pink, whereas all the other elephants in the pasture are gray. Won't you please help me?"

Mustering up all of her kind heartiness and good will, she waved her magic wand over the elephant, and his color changed to gray... That is, all except his 'private parts.' They remained cheerfully pink. "Good Witch Glenda! Thank you so much, but my lower

extremities! They're so pink while the rest of me is gray!"

"Oh, I'm sorry, dear elephant. My powers are strong, but apparently not strong enough. The only person who may be able to help you might be the Wizard, the powerful Wizard of Oz." "Well, that's fine and dandy, but where may I find this fabled 'Wizard of Oz?'"

And Glenda, The Good Witch said: "Just follow the yellow-pricked toad."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play

cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's

wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it

up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had

her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He

went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise

Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you

like what you saw?" Mike said yes I did. She said,"Well you can

get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought

about this financial situation and said O.K. She said come here

tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then. Mike said,

I'll see you then." The next day, Mike came over, they had sex,

he paid her, then he left. Later, Terry came home and asked,

"Has Mike been over here today?" She said, thinking she had been

caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."Terry said, "Good because

that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500

till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A bus carrying only very ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced the Maker decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter paradise. They are all lined up and the Maker asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so the maker snaps his fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of his fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while, but when the Maker is only halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only about ten people left the guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, the Maker reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says. "Make 'em all ugly again."

SO....THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED!!!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A woman meets a handsome man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up

leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his

apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet

cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly

medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top

shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,

especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to

him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!

She turns to him, invitingly...they kiss...and then they rip each other's

clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and

they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and

asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
[Off-topic] yesod7:
My Little Buttercup...

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest

of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter

for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry , where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the ***** willows."

Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
DEAR Mom & Dad:

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the

flood on

TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping

bags

got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up

on

the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't

write

because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue

jeeps. It

was neat. We never would have found Chad in the dark if it hadn't been

for

the lightning.

Scoutmaster Don got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without

telling

anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he

probably

didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The

wet

wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our

clothes.

David is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Don gets the car fixed. It

wasn't

his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.

Scoutmaster

Don said that with a car that old you have to expect something to break

down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if

it's

hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with

10

people in a car.

He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man

stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Don is a neat guy. Don't worry,

he is

a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive on the

mountain

roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are

logging

trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out

in

the lake. Scoutmaster Don wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and

Chad was

afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe

across

the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the

water

from the flood.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave

dived

into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a Tourniquet works.

Wade and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Don said it probably was just food

poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way

with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our

scoutmaster.

He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was

doing

his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy

Vaseline.

Don't worry about anything we are fine.

Love, Timothy
[Off-topic] livefastdiefun87:
LMAO at last post. Wrong on so many levels but SO F*CKING AMUSING
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Glad you liked it ..... Posting another one just now .....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a

requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to

temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it

still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our

faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak, and broke

with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly.

He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats the

hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check

tickets. As

a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened

his

trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said Sir I need

to

see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but

couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do

these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am,

they're

dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding

rolled

down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The

kid

replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop

finally

stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. The driver comes up to

a

sign that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is

right

ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for

miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and

walks

around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got

stuck,

huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran

out

of gas."

and finally #5, THE TEACHER

Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now

class, I

won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might

consider

a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in

your

immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A

smart-ass

guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you

say if

tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual

exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When

silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,

shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write

the

exam with your other hand."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT ITALIAN, YOU SHOULD ENJOY THIS ONE.

Italian mothers

Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for

dinner...who lives with a female

roommate Vikki...During the course of the meal,

his mother couldn't help but

notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had

long been suspicious of a

relationship between the two, and this had only

made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the

two interact, she started

to wonder if there was more between Anthony and

his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered,

"I know what you must be

thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just

roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying,

"Ever since your mother came

to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver

sugar bowl. You don't suppose

she took it, do you?"

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl

from my house, I'm

not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the

fact remains that it has been

missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response

email from his Momma which

read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki,

and I'm not saying that

you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact

remains that if she was

sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the

sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma.

Lesson of the day ..... Don't Lie to Your

Mother...especially if she is

Italian!
[Off-topic] yesod7:
As a Cubmaster, I had to pass that one from post #93 along to the other leaders in our Pack.

Do you think we should change the name of this thread to "PURESKILLZZZ has a damn lot of good jokes?"
[Off-topic] yesod7:
It's not often you can tell a joke that has the capacity to offend TWO religions at once with bad stereotypes, so here goes:

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street.

As they walk past a park, they see some young boys swinging on the swingset.

The priest elbows the rabbi and says, "Hey, do you wanna screw 'em?"

The rabbi looks at him and says, "Screw 'em outta what?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Thanks for the comment ... Sounds like a good idea but I am not sure ... But here are some more jokes today for you ...