yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Subject: [NPinfo] There's Something Wrong With MY Ear

Enjoy...

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists

you tell her what is wrong in a waiting room full of other patients.

Here's the way one old guy handled it... As he approached the desk, the

receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied. The receptionist

became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office

and

say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I

told

you," he said. The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some

embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there

is

something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the

problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The

receptionist smiled smugly and asked,"Yes?" "There's something wrong

with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and

smiled,

knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear,sir ?"

"I can't piss out of it," The doctor's office erupted in laughter.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Subject: Language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English

will be the official language of the European nation rather than German

which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that

English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a

5-year

phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this

will

make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in

favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan

have one less

letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the

troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words

like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be

expekted to

reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments

will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a

deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of

the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing

"th"

with

"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords

kontaining

"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer

vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad yu smil, pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The 5 Kinds of SEX !!!!

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both

have

sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you

are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your

sex

has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you

pass each other in the hallway you both say "**** You".

The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to

court and screws you in front of everyone.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
To think these dumb things are so true....

1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said.

"Implants?" She hit me.

4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special

person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days

I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president

and 50 for Miss America?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing

section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:

"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

19. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend

will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...that was fun!"
[Off-topic] ultraprimeomega:
hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! so funny, i wish i was still on 1st, 4th one sucks lol
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a

bottle on a beach and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said

"Master,may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I

don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be

returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the

woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women

in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya

Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knees were

broken, and he had no health insurance
[Off-topic] skaterx2:
Man in a bar

A man walks into a dimly lit bar. There are only a few other patrons. He sits at the bar. The bartender approaches, wipes the bar with a rag, places a bowl of nuts in front of the man, and tosses a coaster on the bar. "What'll you have?" The man asks for a beer. As he's drinking his beer, he hears, "That's a very nice sweater you have on." He looks around, doesn't see anyone near him. He shrugs and continues to drink. He then hears, "You have the most beautiful green eyes." The man is startled, quickly looks behind him. No one is there. He continues to drink. "You have such a strong jaw." He's baffled. He calls the bartender over. "Did you just say something?" "No, why?" the bartender replies. "Because I just heard someone say I had a nice sweater, beautiful green eyes, and a strong jaw." The man responds. The bartender smiles and nods, "Oh, it's the nuts, they're complimentary."
[Off-topic] _Variable:
A blonde and a brunette walk in a bar, The brunette tells the bartender, "Can I have some wine?". The blonde notices the wine being served,says"Nice, Red water"
[Off-topic] deathnotice01:
one upon a time there was apple,

who sued android,

then a nuke fell on apple,

apple died,

the end
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

When he got there he met God.

God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"

Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"

So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a

playing harps and all the walls were white.

Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous

women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone

was splashing in the water and having fun.

Bill Gates choose Hell.

A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a

rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let

me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What

happened??!!?"

God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo".

Sent from Hell!!
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
A patient needed a brain transplant and the doctor told the family, "Brains

are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000," replied the

doctor.

Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men

nodded because they thought they understood.

But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in

price between male brains and female brains?"

"Standard pricing practice," said the doctor.

"Women's brains have to be marked down because they've actually been used."

Sent from Hell!!
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
No.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Blue6IX:
If you drink and drive, don't park. Accidents cause people.
[Off-topic] Archer:
From the awesome @BadJokeCat...

A G N B: That's bang out of order.
[Off-topic] DarkJatrix:
What do you call a red head ninja???

A ginja
[Off-topic] Archer:
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

(BadJokeCat again. He's awesome!)
[Off-topic] deathnotice01:
potato
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Dirk, I officially hate you for that :mad:
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
E-MAIL COMMANDMENTS

Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.

Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.

Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.

Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.

Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.

Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.

Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.

Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.

Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.

When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the

dawn.

And, the Golden Rule of email:

That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others.

Sent from Hell!!
[Off-topic] DD-Ripper:
World's Shortest Horror Story: Couldn't Connect to the Internet. :D

Sent From Outer-Space
[Off-topic] Archer:
What is an illegally parked frog?

Toad
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Why was the mushroom invited to the party?

Because he's a fun-guy
[Off-topic] gorgorven:
OH Drk!!

why dude .... why????

got a little carried away their .... forgot it was a jokes thread :(
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
Why dude.....why?

Why are you posting in off with less than 10 posts?

Sent from my Paranoid S2...

Who's talking about me :confused:
[Off-topic] 063_XOBX:
How do you tell snowmen apart?

By their snow balls.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they'll die.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Danial723:
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
[Off-topic] DD-Ripper:
Two women sitting silently.

Sent from My Premium Calculator HD
[Off-topic] The Archangel:
hahaha thats good, thanks for that
[Off-topic] TheSkinnyDrummer:
What do you call cheese that's not your's?
[Off-topic] ROFLkopter:
Nacho cheese! My sister used to love that joke.

Typed with SwiftKey 3 on my CyanogenMod 9.1 powered HTC Explorer using XDA Premium!
[Off-topic] :
A man using apple maps walks into a bar. Or maybe a hotel. Or possibly a church.
[Off-topic] ROFLkopter:
What's ET short for?

Cause he's only got little legs!

What's ET stand for?

Cause he can't sit!

Typed with SwiftKey 3 on my CyanogenMod 9.1 powered HTC Explorer using XDA Premium!
[Off-topic] stepie22:
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because there was a KFC on the side he was standing.

Don't know if this counts as a joke , but it is a pun: The fortune teller midget who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"where's my tractor? "

----------------

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer

----------------

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

------------------

What did the homeless guy get for Christmas?

Nothing

-------------------

Why doesn't Michael Jackson play with Macaulay Culkin?

Because he's dead.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Pancakes_Gio:
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. "Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."
[Off-topic] ROFLkopter:
What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick...

Typed with SwiftKey 3 on my CyanogenMod 9.1 powered HTC Explorer using XDA Premium!
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
What is blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint! *claps knee*

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] usaff22:
What's a musical fish?

A tuna.
[Off-topic] Archer:
Anti jokes, eh?

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she's got no arms.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.
[Off-topic] lreyes:
Why did archer make a anti-joke?

Because he cant make a original joke ;):p

Nothing personal archer :D
[Off-topic] stepie22:
I feel bad for the girl:
[Off-topic] Pancakes_Gio:
Why don't they have any toilet paper in KFC? Because its finger licking good!

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
[Off-topic] veeman:
What did the butterfly say to the bee?

I'm the son of the Monarch and you're just a son of a b...

How do you catch a strange rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a domestic rabbit?

The tame way. Unique up on it.
[Off-topic] tomascus:
Why doesn't anyone buy from the Bull's shop?

Because he charges too much.

Sent from my cardboard box
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Why did little John drop his I've cream?

Because he was hit by a truck.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] teknhard:
3 statisticians go duck hunting. first one shoots 3 feet to the left of the duck. I the second shoots 3 feet to the right. I the third one yells out... We got Em!
[Off-topic] Ichigo:
No arms, no cookies!

Sent from my Kindle Fire
[Off-topic] yasirmujtaba:
Yesterday

I told a joke to my friend

The joke was

1st guy-Dude I've baught an Iphone-5

2nd guy-Ohh! Iphone

But which company(brand)?????

Lol lol lol

Then my friend started laughing and he laughs atleast five minutes

After that he said

"Iphone isn't from sony":eek::eek:

And I was fainted.....lollollol
[Off-topic] DD-Ripper:
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back:...and I will fill your cavity..! XD lol

Sent from My Premium Calculator HD
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Wow! I want one for myself! Thought it doesn't make sense since I'm not a dentist. Or does it...?

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Nick Fury:
Do homeless people really get knock knock jokes?
[Off-topic] DD-Ripper:
It doesn't ! XD

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear? " Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes.

When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered.

"But you're so old... how do you do it? "

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry! " :p

Sent from My Premium Calculator HD
[Off-topic] abaaaabbbb63:
Tell someone:

I'd make a joke about your performance in bed, but it's too short.
[Off-topic] cor4twenty:
Man goes to a doctor and says

"Doctor it hurts when I touch here (touches arm) and here (touches head) and here (touches leg) and here (touches stomach). What's wrong with me!!??"

Doctor says " you got a broken finger"

:)
[Off-topic] prototype7:
I met 25 letters of the alphabet today, but I don't know y.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
This made it to my facebook status earlier on.
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
Your momma is so dumb, she thought seeweed was something fish smoke!!

My 8 yr told me that one :)
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
How do you get an Irish person cry?

Kill his family.

*claps knee*

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Nick Fury:
The worlds shortest joke below.

iPhone

Lolololol
[Off-topic] thebeastglasser:
A Conservative, Moderate Liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Mitt!"
[Off-topic] veeman:
That's not how it goes! You're supposed to say "Your d***". :banghead:

Sent from my Nexus 7
[Off-topic] yasirmujtaba:
Shortest of the shortest joke

"bieber"
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Whats big and white and will kill you if it falls from a tree?

A refridgerator.

Why didn't Jimmy drive the tractor?

Because he had no legs.

Why didn't he have any legs?

Because he was a potato.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] omario8484:
How do you get 52 charzards 20 riachus and 6 mudkips on a bus? You poke em on!

Why don't you take a shower with pikachu ? Cuz he'll peek achu!

Lol my.jokes are awful sorry guys
[Off-topic] DanceOff:
Are you sure it is a joke? There is no story telling competition here :p
[Off-topic] DanceOff:
All recognized developers are going to be gifted an iPhone to develop ;)

Just trolling don't be happy you isheep :p
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
That joke was so terrible it gave me cancer

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] DanceOff:
So go to a doctor btw how did you diagnose cancer at home ??
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
I am a doctor. In two years anyway.

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] veeman:
Owned. Lol.

Sent from my Nexus 7
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
But I guess I'll never be since I've got the cancer :D

Sent from my premium potato
[Off-topic] Dr.8820:
A blind man walks by the fish market and says " Good morning ladies!"

Sent from the Maverick @ Cedar Point using XDA Windows Phone 7 App
[Off-topic] DanceOff:
DAD: Jyotishi ji mujhe kaise pata

chal sakta hai ki mera beta future

mein kya

banega....??

.

.

JYOTISHI: aap uske table pe

Cigarette, Beer, Paiso ki Gaddi aur

Books rakh do.

Unme se jo wo uthaega wahi

banega.

.

DAD: ok

.

.

.

Agle din Beta Aaya. Table dekhi.

Paiso ki Gaddi utha ke jeb mein

rakhi,

Cigarette pee,

Beer chhupa li, Aur

Books hath mein leke ghar se

chala

gaya.

.

DAD: Uss nalayak ne to sab kuch le

liya.

.

.

JYOTISHI: Sir Mubarak Ho!! Aapka

beta ENGINEER banega..:P

---------- Post added at 05:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------

NEWTON IN ROMANTIC MOOD..

Universal Law Of Love:

Love Can Neither Be Created Nor Be Destroyed; Only It Can Transfer From One Girlfriend To Another Girlfriend With Some Loss Of Money.

1st Law Of Love:

A Boy In Love With A Girl, Continue To Be In Love With Her And A Girl In Love With A Boy, Continue To Be In Love With Him, Until Or Unless Any External Agent(Brother Or Father Of The Gal) Comes Into

Play And Break The Legs Of The Boy.

2nd Law Of Love:

The Rate Of Change Of Intensity Of Love Of A Girl Towards A Boy Is Directly Proportional To The Instantaneous Bank Balance Of The Boy And The Direction Of This Love Is Same To As Increment Or Decrement Of The Bank Balance.

3rd Law Of Love:

The Force Applied While Proposing A Girl By A Boy Is Equal And Opposite To The Force Applied By The Girl While Slapping.

---------- Post added at 05:46 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:45 PM ----------

There is nothing more expensive than a female

tear.....

.

.

.

When a single drop comes out,it first mixes with "loreal"

eyeliner and "Dior" mascara ;)

.

then when it comes down to cheek....

it mixes with D&G blusher :)

. .

and in case it touches the lips,,

it gets mixed with "Maybelline" lipstick

this means that a single drop is worth atleast Rs.1500 :D

---------- Post added at 05:47 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:46 PM ----------

---------- Post added at 05:55 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:47 PM ----------
[Off-topic] stepie22:
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!

Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. How do crazy people go through the forest?

A. They take the psycho path.

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?

A. Cell phones.

Q. What do you get from a pampered cow?

A. Spoiled milk.

Q. Where do polar bears vote?

A. The North Poll

Q. What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

A. ME!!!

Q. Where do snowmen keep their money?

A. In snow banks.

Q. What's brown and sticky?

A. A stick.

Q. Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

A. Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.

Q. Why did the tomato blush?

A. Because it saw the salad dressing!

Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A. It let out a little wine!

Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. Put a little boogey in it!

Q. Where do bees go to the bathroom?

A. At the BP station!

Q. What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A. Odor in the court.

Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

A. Dam!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A. They don't have the guts.

--From jokes.net
[Off-topic] sgt.makaveli:
2 chickens are walking

The 1 says: toktok

The other says: u tokking to me?

That joke always cranks me up haha
[Off-topic] _Variable:
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game. "I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean? " he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, "Get the quarter back! "

Waiter, I can't seem to find any oysters in this oyster soup.

Would you expect to find angels in angel cake?
[Off-topic] Archer:
What's E.T. short for? Because he's only got little legs.