yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Q. What's soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?

A. Vomit

Q. How can you tell if you eat ***** well?

A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?

A. He did okay until his business fell off.

Q. What's the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?

A. She can only give you lip once!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?

A. The Captains Dinghy!

Q. What does 70 year old ***** taste like?

A. Depends!

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?

A. A woman to show him how to use it.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why don't men have mid-life crises?

A. They stay stuck in adolescence.

Q. What's the difference between men and government bonds?

A. Bonds mature.

Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God's gift?

A. Exchange him.

Q. What did the guy say to his **** after he found that the girl he's getting ready to **** has genital warts?

A. "Hang on, boy! It's gonna be a bumpy ride!"

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?

A. Because you have to hollow the head out.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?

A. Strip Poker

Q. What do you call a van with 5 ******s in it?

A. The aids team.

Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?

A. See you next period.

Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?

A. Inserting the anchovies.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?

A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q. What do you call a female clown?

A. A Clunt

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?

A. He fell off the ball washer!

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?

A. Footlongs

Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?

A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?

A. It's you, you ****ing idiot!

Q. What's the difference between big foot and your mom?

A. Your mom is better in bed.

Q. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A. A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

Q. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A. Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?

A. A **** that stays up all night.

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A. A rumor
[Off-topic] rfarnell:
Looking at the level of these jokes I think you would probably like this:

http://www.sickipedia.org/ - Building the Worlds Best Collection of Sick Jokes

Rob
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Would be nice if you post a joke here mate .....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
[Off-topic] irsuv:
An old man walks into a bar and asks the bartender a question.

"If if fart the National Anthem can i have a free beer?"

The bartender says. "Let's Hear It"

The old man does it perfectly. Holds every key, perfect pitch and doesn't skip a beat. The bartender replys, "Amazing! You have to come back on saturday and preform." The old man agrees.

On Saturday the old man comes and gets ready to preform. He gets on stage and drops his pants, his underpants and takes a dump on stage. The bartender pulls the old man off stage and screames at him.

The old man replys simply, "Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before he preforms."
[Off-topic] yesod7:
An Irishman walks into a bar. The bartender notices that he has a steering wheel in his pants, and says "Hey buddy, what the hell is that?!" The Irishman looks down, looks back at the bartender and says "I don't know, but it's drivin' me nuts!"
[Off-topic] zeezee:
yeah, i agree these last few jokes are very absurdly disgusting. :(

Here is a joke though:

A little boy has been wanting a bike for as long as he could walk;

And every night he prays to god asking for a bike.

Yet when god did not answer his prayer, the boy stole a bike and then prayed to god asking for forgiveness.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
ok that was a cute 1 let me add some now .....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"**** me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
[Off-topic] Mikulec:
Ok, as English is not my native language, this joke may not be funny to someone:

2 guys are talking:

You know what? Yesterday I fell from a ladder.

OMG, and are u ok?

Of course, but u know what? Yesterday I fell from a ladder.
[Off-topic] yesod7:
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two: one to hold the lightbulb, the other to drink till the room starts spinning.
[Off-topic] yesod7:
How do you recognize an Irishman at a cockfight?

He's the one that brought the duck.

How can you recognize the Italian at the cockfight?

He's the one that bet on the duck.

How can you tell if the mafia's involved?

The duck wins.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
[Off-topic] pachjo:
A honeymoon arrive at a hotel and go immediately to their room.

5 minutes later the gromm walks down all dressed in fishing gear.

The clerk perplexed asks "sir, should you not be upstairs attending to the bride?"

"Oh no" replies the groom "she has Gonorrhoea!"

The clerk obviuosly shocked and embarrased says "oh dear I am sorry to hear that sir, but surely there is always, er, her behind?"

"Oh no" replies the groom "she has Diarrhoea!"

The clerk even more shocked and embarrased says "oh dear I am sorry to hear that sir, but surely there is always, er, her mouth?"

"Oh no" replies the groom "she has Pyorrhoea!"

"Oh sweet holy mother of God" exclaims the clerk "then sir why in God's good name did you marry her?"

"The maggots!" replies the groom.

gafor!!!
[Off-topic] pachjo:
Bloke goes to a fancy dress party wearing a condom on his nose.

The host asks him what is he supposed to be?

The guy replies "F**K nose!"
[Off-topic] pachjo:
Bloke walks into the doctors naked apart from some cling film around his waist.

The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her *****. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight *****!".
[Off-topic] pachjo:
hahahahahahaahah ---- hahahahahaahah --- uhhgh uih !$%** oh too much laughin, there goes me heart!

Class :)
[Off-topic] xardas_90:
Wife : I caught my husband talking at the hotline last night!

Female Neighbour : And what did you do?

Wife : I imediatly made him put condoms on the phone!
[Off-topic] xardas_90:
The husband comes from work with a flower buchet for his wife,she undresses and lays on the couch with her legs spread wide...the husband shoked asks :

- Honey,are all the vasses occupied again?
[Off-topic] moSess:
The wife's not speaking to me, all because I wouldn't open the car door for her...it's not my fault, I just f@*#king panicked and swam to the surface!
[Off-topic] moSess:
The other day my wife asked me; "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

To which I replied, "Your sense of humour."
[Off-topic] moSess:
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his d!*k after his mistress found the ring in his trouser pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your d!*k

3) Or finding out your d!*k fits through your wedding ring.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Just got a brand new fishing rod and reel for the wife.

Best swap I've ever made!
[Off-topic] moSess:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.
[Off-topic] moSess:
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

Would you go to lunch or to a movie?
[Off-topic] moSess:
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible
[Off-topic] moSess:
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
[Off-topic] moSess:
My wife does good in her 'field'.

I just hope she doesn't escape
[Off-topic] moSess:
"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.

My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"
[Off-topic] moSess:
My girlfriend said she wants a break for a couple of weeks to find her own space. Well, I suppose it gives me some time to spend with my wife.
[Off-topic] moSess:
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen, cooking. He sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied. Puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
[Off-topic] moSess:
Why should you never raise your hand to your wife?

It leaves your groin unprotected!
[Off-topic] moSess:
I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Valentines Day.

Flowers $30

Dinner & Film $90

Hotel Room Afterward $200

The look on your face when she tells you she's on her Period.

F^*king Priceless.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day. The first Marine asked the second Marine, "If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?" The second Marine said, "I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?" The first Marine replied, "I would stand very still for half an hour."
[Off-topic] moSess:
A little boy comes running into the house and says, "Mummy,can little girls have babies?"

His mum replies, "no,of course not."

The little boy runs back outside and yells, "it's ok,we can play that game again!"
[Off-topic] moSess:
Drinking non alcoholic lager is a bit like licking your sister's fanny....

It tastes the same but you know you really shouldn't be doing it.
[Off-topic] moSess:
It aint easy being a d!*k.

They have heads they cant think with

They have eyes they cant see out of

They have to hang around with 2 nuts all the time

Their neighbor is a real a**hole

Their best friend is a pu**y

Every time they get excited they throw up

But worst of all...

Their owners beat them!
[Off-topic] moSess:
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
[Off-topic] moSess:
There are 3 types of people in this world...

Those who can count and those who can't.
[Off-topic] moSess:
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
[Off-topic] moSess:
Our last fight was my fault.

My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust!"
[Off-topic] moSess:
Feminism: it's fine as a hobby but it's not going to get you a husband.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows.
[Off-topic] moSess:
There are two types of people in the world;

Those who understand binary, and those who have sex.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Doctor: It's bad news, you have Cancer and Alzheimer's.

Patient: Oh well, it could be worse - at least I don't have Cancer.
[Off-topic] moSess:
Why are womens feet smaller than mens?

So they can stand closer to the stove.
[Off-topic] moSess:
What is better than winning a medal at the Paraplegic-olympics?

Having two legs
[Off-topic] moSess:
Why don't blind people skydive?

It scares the sh!t out of the dog.
[Off-topic] moSess:
So this baby seal walks into a club.(Badum Bum!)
[Off-topic] moSess:
Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

His wife is lying in bed reading.

Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
[Off-topic] moSess:
What are the three best things about Alzheimer's Disease?

1. You make new friends every day.

2. You can laugh at all the old jokes.

3. You make new friends every day.
[Off-topic] moSess:
When the fight started!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

For my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She sa i d, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her

Drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked,'Do you k now her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************************************

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The

woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy Crap, That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he

jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the

ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast

as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.
[Off-topic] aross01:
You might not be a red neck if

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You would never stop to buy something somebody was cooking on the side of the road. (e.g., boiled peanuts, not road kill, Dummy!)

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You don't know what a moon pie is. You have probably never watched a moon pie in a microwave.

Awesome!

...You've never had an RC Cola.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled.

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You have no idea what a polecat is.

..You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog.

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You drink either "Pop" or "Soda"- instead of "Cokes."

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show.

.. You have never been hep'd.

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach

...You have never gone to a family reunion to pick up women.

...You don't even have one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

...You couldn't find the eye of the stove if your life depended on it.

...You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

..You have more than one professional sports team in your home state.

..You call binoculars opera glasses.

...You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.

...You can't spit without opening your mouth.

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Freddie, Johnnie, Jimmie, Ricki)

...You don't have Maw-maw's, Me-maws, Pawpaw's or Pappaw's.

...You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.

...None of your fur coats are homemade.