yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Pet Parrot

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, "What do you want

for your birthday?" Smitty says, "I want to get laid."

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives

him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a

hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching

and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and

yanking out her colorful feathers.

"Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?"

Smitty says, "For a hundred bucks I want her nude!"
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
Child: Dad what's Sex?

Dad gets tensed but explains everything.

Child: But Dad how do i write all that in this small box of school admission form ?:D
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
Girl: Xcuse me brother dats my seat

Boy: OK but i m not ur brother. My father never ****ed ur mom

Girl: True, but my father did.

Moral:Dont be over smart.
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
1st Lady:- "How come ur husband is always home in time?

2nd Lady:- "I have made a simple rule. I said to him that sex will be at 9 pm whether u r home or not".
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the

restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing,

until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down

he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please

use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a

restroom!" "Well, I don't think you should. There is a

statue of a naked woman in here and she's only covered

by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look

the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the

top of the stairs and he proceeded to the restroom.

After a few minutes, he came back out and the whole

place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went

to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand.

When I came in here, the place was hopping with music

and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I

went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender.

"Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig

leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the

whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron

a few stools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas

but his head was the size of a thimble.

The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I

can't help but be curious as to why your body is so well

developed but your head is so small." The man says, "Buy

me a drink and I'll tell you." The drink was bought and

the story began.

"I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I

was the only survivor and I managed to make it to a

deserted island a few miles away. I had been there for

several months and was sitting on the beach one day waiting

for a bird or a fish to come by, so I would have something

to eat. Looking up I saw a mermaid sunning on a nearby

rock. She swam over to me and informed me that she was a

magical mermaid and could grant me 3 wishes.

"Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with

her tail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island.

Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of

her tail and here it is.

Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wished

fulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no,

it just wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I

said "Well, how about a little head then?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept

of gender association in the English language.

He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names

and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she".

One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender

is a computer"?

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the

class into two groups, males in one, females in the other,

and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine

or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for

their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred

to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half

the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had

waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should

definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other

computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory

for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself

spending half your paycheck on accessories for it
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Reasons it's great to be a guy:

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- Movie nudity is virtually always female.

- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.

- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.

- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.

- All your orgasms are real.

- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- Your last name stays put.

- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.

- You can write your name in the snow.

- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.

- Chocolate is just another snack.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.

- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".

- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

- You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.

- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.

- The remote control is yours and yours alone.

- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.

DO U AGREE?
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Subject: FW:Female and Male Prayer (Funny)

Even in a prayer men have a one track mind.

Joyce

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man, who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong,

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I pray he's gainfully employed,

When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,

Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,

Knows what to answer to, "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me no end,

And never attempt to hit on my friend.

And as I pray beside my bed,

I look at the clown you sent me instead.

Amen.

MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor

store. Amen.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?" The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding." The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles." "SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite." Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?" "No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that" "WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for 2 whole months now!" "Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!" Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?" "No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says , "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewellery their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a ****, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal. "Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said the boy. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry," said the friend. "You still have ten minutes."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. "Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked. "Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?" "Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. "Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to rip up all that work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump flat. He decides to forgo the break continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted.

At the end of the day he's completed his work and loading his tools into his trucks when two events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house calls out "Have you seen my parakeet?"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa. "Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family." "But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week." "We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Person turns on the computer without a keyboard plugged in. When she turns on the computer, the computer finds out that there is no keyboard attached and it gives a "Keyboard Error" message. She then asks "Why did it give me a keyboard error? There isn't even a keyboard attached?
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"