yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
This had me ROFLOL :-) Enjoy

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is

still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour

slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your

fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

taxidermist.

2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table...no matter how good

his

manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should

be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.

However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they

tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger

foods.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first

date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting

to

go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two

years

ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some

will

say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,

it

is

the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up

immediately

after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have

proven

they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a

cummerbund

and clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this

special

occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is

loaded and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest

tires

always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is

impolite

to ask her to bring back beer too.
[Off-topic] aross01:
Sorry to be so bold but for:

Sorry to be so bold but for:

15 Things To Do At Wal-Mart or Target While Your Spouse/Partner Is

Taking Their Sweet F*@king Time:

I would like to change number 15 to:

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,

then, yell, very loudly, "Where is the F*@king toilet paper!!!!!!!!"

:D
[Off-topic] testdasi:
A king in medieval England had a beautiful queen. One day, he had to go to war with a neighboring country so he left the capital city to be defended by his 3 most trusted knights. Before leaving, he ordered all the knights over and told them:

- I entrusted the capital and my beautiful queen to you three. Defend them with your blood. And do not touch my queen.

Nevertheless, the queen was very promiscuous so the king decided to order the best smith in the kingdom to make her the most evil chastity belt ever made.

A year later, the king won the war and came back. Up on returning to his throne, he ordered the three knights over and told them to take off their pants.

He walked to the first two knights and said:

- You two! I have entrusted my queen to your protection. How dare you touch her? You two are banished from this kingdom and shall never return.

He then walked to the third knight and said:

- I am so proud that I have you, my loyal knight. Now tell me what do you want me to reward you?

The thirth knight said:

- Uhm... oo-ee... aa... ee (I'm sorry my king). Aa... oo... ee... oo... oo (My tongue is no more).
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
That was cute ... Ok let me give you another one for today ...
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
EVEN GOD LIKES TO LAUGH

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"

2. He liked Gospel

3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was

God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all--- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just

didn't get it.

3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more

work to do.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open

his

eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass

of water

on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and

pressed.

Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order and

spotlessly clean. So's the rest of the house!

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast

is on

the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and

the

morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Larry asks, "Son, what

happened

last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious.

Broke

some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye

when you

stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and

breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she

tried

to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Osama and the genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a

bottle in a cave and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from

the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I

don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be

returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then he grumbled about the impertinence of

the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white

American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with

you!"

The highly annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya

Harding &Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health

insurance.

God is good
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Marketing for Dummies

People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following

analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and say,

"I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and

see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up

to him and pointing at you says,

"She's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.

You go up to him and get his telephone number.

The next day you call and say,

"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

You get up and, straighten your dress.

You walk up to him and pour him a drink.

You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten

his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,

and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

He walks up to you and says,

"I hear you're fantastic in bed." -

That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.

You talk him into going home with your friend.

That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize

that there could be handsome men in all

these houses you're passing. So you climb

onto the roof of one situated toward

the center and shout at the top of your lungs,

"I'm fantastic in bed!"

That's Spam.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
MY 2000TH POST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks to all the great folks here at XDA ......

I will continue to help as many as possible.
[Off-topic] rhov23:
I want 5 loafs of bread and 2 cans of tuna please :p
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
LOL ...!!! thats a good one ... Well I will give you a joke instead ....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Here are some health tips that your doctor didn't let you see. They

want to

keep you coming, but if you follow Hary the Hat's regime you may live

forever. Or not. Have a great weekend. Love, Harry

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this

true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't

waste

them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your

heart

will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the

life

of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and

corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than

an

efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need

grain?

Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy

vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily

allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As

we

all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three

categories:

animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not

animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that

only

leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy

your

liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one

to

one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular

exercise

program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No

Pain...Good..

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad

for

you?

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the

middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You

should

only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!!

It's

the best feel good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have about

food

and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie! One more thing... When

life

hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
Badass! (Or what ever Americans say :p)

I didn't make a song and dance about my 2000th post!

And you've already made another 50 posts :D:D:D
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
Although, compare your puny, 3.54 posts a day to my massive 8.29 posts a day, and we see who the real nerd is :D
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
And of course I will .... I been on longer just been very busy now I have time to help those of xda ... Now for a joke .........
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Sunday morning sex...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just

passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to

visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked

how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a

heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100

years

old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our

advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the

church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and

slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and

out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damned

ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
You're tainting my 16 yr old mind!
[Off-topic] zabardast_1:
Here's one from me !

A man went to a strip club. When he got

inside he noticed a seat conspicuously

unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the

opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out,

the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah

baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around

and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes

into the show, the dancer did a move and

snatched off her top, revealing two

pasties. The guy behind our friend goes

off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those

things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey

buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did

another move, and snatched off her

dress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the

G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend

turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?"

The guy responded, "It's all over your back, dude."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
KInd's of Sex

The 1st kind of sex is Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both

have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you

are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex

has gotten routine and you usually have sex in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you

pass each other in the hallway you both say "**** You".

The 5th kind of sex is Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to

court and screws you in front of everyone.
[Off-topic] punkcell:
I Cant Sleep Without You

I Can"t Sleep Without You. I'm Dying 2 Feel U At Nite. Sweat Is Drippin Down My Body. I Want You, I Need You. Come On F**king Air Conditioner Work. Lol
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
That was cute ......
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the

TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it,

he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was

gone he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" she yelled. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat

ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like

your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed, "****, it started..."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't

prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness to the stand - a grand motherly, elderly woman. He

approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She

responded, "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since

you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.

You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them

behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains

to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper

pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across

the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was

a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.

He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is

one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife

with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors

to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "if either of you bastards asks her

if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever

done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the

Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were

threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but

they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked

him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw

it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me".

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago".
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Baptizing a Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a

preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol,

where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk

answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up

and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies "No,

I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the

water again for a little longer this time.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found

Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the

preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time

holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and

legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God,

have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath

and says to the preacher,.....................

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

Let's Talk

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

How many hipsters does it take...

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: What? You don't know?

Congressman's Money

A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."

The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"

Satanic Starbucks

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn''t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn''t want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"
[Off-topic] l3v5y:
Okay... This is no worse than the jokes involving "pedalfiles"

Three guys were walking in the woods when a tribe attacked them and knocked them out cold, when they woke up the tribe leader said "Your lives shall be spared if you can find 10 of a fruit", so the guys went out into the forest with some guards and the first one came back with 10 apples and the chief said "I will spare you if you put all 10 of the apples up your butt without making a facial expression", so the first guy got the first one in and starting crying , he was killed. And the 2nd guy came back with 10 grapes and had to do the same as the first, so he did and when he got the 9th one in he laughed out of the blue. So when the 2nd guy got up to heaven the 1st guy asked why did you laugh? You only had ONE more to go then you would've been able to go free. and the 2nd guy said "I would have, but I saw the third guy coming with Pineapples!"...