yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf

course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man.

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, and free flowing beverages.

"Don't even ask," said St Peter to the man.

"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"

"Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or cholesterol ?"

"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to

indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without

letting their children in on it. They decided on the

word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,

"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her

mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a

letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the

typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy

that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother

and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the

typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Let's look at a few rather important topics to prove this:

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they

will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will

affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,

Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will

each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None

of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually

admit they want some change back. The girls get their bill,

out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay

$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,

toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and

a towel from the Holiday Inn.; The average number of

items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will

be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a

man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women

aren't looking, men kick cats.

THE FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he

doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change

and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,

empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get

the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women

somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She

knows about dentist appointments and romances, best

friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and

dreams. A man is vaguely aware

of short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's

no use in two people remembering the same thing,

is there?
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
The last one is the best one man. Heres one from me:

Hung Chow calls into work and says

"Hey Boss, I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, tummy ache and sore leg. I not come work".

The Boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and ask her for Sex. That makes everything

better and I go work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls his Boss and says "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, to".
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vaseline, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!", the guy said. The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?" The man said, "Of course not."

"Wanna go camping?"
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Ok those were nice .. Here is another one for you .......

A business man met a beautiful girl and asked her to

spend the night with him for $500. And she did.

Before he left in the morning, he told her that he

did not have any cash with him, but that he would

have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her,

calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had

done, realizing that the whole event was not worth

the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for

$250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a cheque in the amount of $250 for rent

of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed

upon because when I rented the apartment I was under

the impression that:

(1) it had never been occupied;

(2) that there was plenty of heat;

(3) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home

Last night, however, I found out that it had been

previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat,

and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned

the cheque for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a

beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.

As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how

to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is

indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough

furniture to fill

it, please don't blame the landlord
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
John went to his local Doctor and said, "Doctor, I've got a problem, but if you're going to treat it, first you've got to promise me, and I mean it - not to laugh."

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.

"Ok then," John said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'tool' the doctor had seen in all his years.

Unable to control himself, the doctor fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it absolutely will not happen again. Ever. Now what seems to be the problem?"

John "It's swollen!"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they

decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to

do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a

guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be

parked around the corner."

She's not there 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How

much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says, "All I got is

thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks,

"What can he get for thirty?" "A hand job".

She runs back and tells the guy all the gets for thirty is a

hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants,

and out pops this HUGE penis. She stares at it for a minute, and

then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and

asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
John and Jain were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 10th wedding anniversary Jain said "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon."

"As you wish," said John.

"Will we do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jain.

"Ok," said John.

"And will we make love like we did on our first honeymoon?" asked Jain.

"That's right," said John, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive

course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third

tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large

front window of the biggest house along the course.

They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice

say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere

and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the

couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him

off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who

was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot

released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so

what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish,

and I'll keep last one for myself."

"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million

dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem,"

said the genie, "it's the least I can do."

"I want a house in every country in the world," said

the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and

now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that

bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My

wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well,

we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If

you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife

agreed.

The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3

hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the

wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"

"Twenty-five," said the wife.

"And he still believes in genies?"
[Off-topic] tjkhattak61:
Wife: Suggest a password for our computer.

Husband: PENIS.

Wife types 'PENIS' and falls off chair laughing because the computer says: REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Gay Man Meets Saint Peter

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate,

Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving

his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.

"Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking

in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell

on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the

keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't

resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint

Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go

straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again,

and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was

even more furious than before, but decided to give the

gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his

keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy,

having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed

up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for

his routine inspection, but this time something is

wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one

corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of

blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!"

The devil replied.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Evolution of Mom

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -

1st baby: You prewash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
[Off-topic] The Reaper:
Woody Allen Quotes

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.

• Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing ; between 5 it's fantastic ...

• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead- not sick, not wounded - dead.

• Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only for food: frequently there must be a beverage.

• Is sex dirty? Only if you do it right.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

• I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Good Can of Corn

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

"We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Pig In Summer

Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day?

A: I'm bacon!
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL

notes written by PARENTS in the Salina and Cherryvale( Kan. )school

districts. (Spellings have been left intact)

1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY.

PLEASE EXECUTE HIM.

2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER

SHOT

3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29,

30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33.

4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING.

5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE

FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP.

6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS

FACE.

7-- CARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE

WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART.

8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN

BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS.

9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE.

10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS.

11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE,

DYREA, DIREATHE), THE ****S.

12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA,

AND HIS BOOTS LEAK.

13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST.

14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT.

15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR.

16-- PLEASE EXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT

TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE

THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY.

17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE

SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES.

18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD

AND COULD NOT BREED WELL.

19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED

WITH GRAMPS.

20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER.

21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR.

22-- MARY ANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORE

THROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER

AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER.

I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE

SOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT.

NOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR

KIDS.
[Off-topic] GSLEON3:
MODERATOR WARNING!

Bad jokes are punishable by up to a lifetime ban from XDA.

Now that's funny! :p
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
LOL .... Now share a real joke ......
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Jokes.............
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Jokes jokes jokes
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
is this funny ???
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
more funny for you.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
i keep giving them to you.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
laugh people ......
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
let me show more jokes.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
another for you ....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I will keep you smiling
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I like the jokes.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
jokes keep continuing.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I have to make all of xda laugh.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Keep laughing XDA .....
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laugh laugh laugh
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
more jokes i will give you plenty ..
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Nobdy makes XDA laugh more than PURESKILLZZZ
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Jokes from all over.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Jokes for all .
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
people keep asking and i keep postin gmore jokes.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laugh a little harder
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Don't pee onyourself from laughing too hard.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Dont drink while looking at these jokes.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
dont laugh a lung out
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Not responsible if you cant stop laughing
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
look with caution
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I want you all to laugh
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laughing is good for the soul.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I like to see people smiling
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
PURESKILLZZZ keep you laughing ......
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
PURESKILLZZZ say LAUGH until you pee on yourself.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Are we all laughing yet ?
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
laugh your pants off
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laugh like you wanna laugh
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
jokes are good for you
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I love you all laughing
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laughter will take the pain away
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Laughing is good on a daily basis.