[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out load,

there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to

everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular

workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear)

purchased a week of personal training at the local health

club for me. Although I am still in great shape since

playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided

it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal

trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and

swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get

started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart

my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it

was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find

Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek

goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling

white smile.

Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She

took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was

alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to

standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I

enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her

aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,

although my gut was already aching from holding it in the

whole time she was around. This is going to be a

FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out

the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy

iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My

legs were

a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.

Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel

GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and

forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was

OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on

top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was

impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in

the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine

that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me

on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a

machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like

teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full

snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that

long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.

When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.

She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the

rowing machine - which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being

has ever hated any other human being in the history of the

world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there

were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain,

I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my

triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents

in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells

or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am

sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and

graduated magna cum laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and

nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer,

like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine

in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show

up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine

with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the

TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the

Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also

pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a

gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.