yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
Oldie but goodie.

What's red and doesn't float?

A bulldozer.

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Einstein, Newton and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests; "Let's play hide and seek. I'll be it!"

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.

Newton however merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a mid-sized square on the floor.

He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts "Ready or not - here I come!"

Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him.

"A-ha! I found you Newton!"

Newton replies "No, you found one Newton per square meter - you found Pascal!"
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Very good! :laugh:
[Off-topic] Staba2009:
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware problem.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
That is one of my all time favourites :D

Sent from my premium leather sofa
[Off-topic] Ichigo:
Bump for funny jokes.

[APP] Thumbnails Files Deleter 1.6.3 [01/06/2013]
[Off-topic] :
Time for one of my crap jokes...

There was a family of three balloons.

The baby balloon would sleep with Daddy Balloon and Mammy Balloon.

But one day Daddy Balloon said "Baby Balloon, your too big to sleep in our bed now, go and sleep in the other room."

This made Baby Balloon sad.

Baby Balloon waited until Mammy and Daddy Balloon were asleep, then went into their room and tried to get into their bed.

He couldn't fit.

Baby balloon then let some air out of Daddy Balloon and then did the same to Mammy Balloon.

He still couldn't fit.

So Baby Balloon let some air out of himself too.

Now he could fit in perfectly.

In the morning, Mammy and Daddy Balloon got up first, then they woke up Baby Balloon.

Then Mammy Balloon said "What were you thinking Baby Balloon?! You let your Father down, you let me down, and worst of all, you let yourself down."
[Off-topic] jugg1es:
:rolleyes::eek::cool:

Jokes gets more serious thought, than serious words these days:(
[Off-topic] :
Just thought I should since this is "the true joke thread". :)

Another, somewhat disgusting joke:

Why did the baker have brown hands?

- Because he kneaded a poo.
[Off-topic] hanisod:
1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over

sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean,

pushes mom out the way, grabs phone...."k."

This joke probably is the worst posted until now :-\
[Off-topic] veeman:
I don't have the koalafications to make animal jokes. Maybe that is irrelephant because they're actually puns, but I've goat to try anyway.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side.

OK, never mind. That was unbearable. I'll stop now, these puns are making my throat horse. Let minnow if you want anymore.
[Off-topic] -DarkKnight-:
More please
[Off-topic] veeman:
Wait, I have to make more of these puns owl by myself? Whale, here it goes I guess. Hopefully these puns will better hue-manatee. Actually, probably not, that is sealy. These puns are toadally stupid. Aparrotly you liked the ones from the earlier post though.

Say... how about visiting that bacon thread? Some bacon sounds otterly delicious right now. No, I didn't change the subject on porpoise. Okay fine, I'll stop kitten around but deer god, these are hard to make.
[Off-topic] jaymccoubrey:
Big joke.... My phone!! Haha

sent from my thumbs
[Off-topic] :
What do you call an overweight computer?

A Dell.

Sent From My 3rd (Yes, that's right: 3rd) Xperia Z
[Off-topic] sohamssd:
Wtf you made this by yourself?:eek:
[Off-topic] veeman:
Yeah. You just type out what you want to say and then replace words with animal names. lol.
[Off-topic] veeman:
What did the dyslexic physicist do after retiring?

He predicted peoples densities. :D
[Off-topic] zolaisugly:
My 6yr old loves these joke.

Knock knock

Who's there

Bear

Bear who

Bear bum.....

What can jump a mile in a second? A grasshopper with hicups.

What's black and white and red all over? Newspaper.
[Off-topic] daniel98:
A guy using Apple maps goes into a bar.....or a church....or a hospital.

Badumtss
[Off-topic] veeman:
That's not funny.
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
What's orange and bad for your teeth? A brick.

What's white and cannot climb trees? A refrigerator.

Huehuehue

Sent from my teddy bear
[Off-topic] eushaun99:
AFAIK a brick is red.

So does a white toilet bowl.
[Off-topic] luqman98:
My friends got trolled by my science teacher XD

The teacher was asking him (A) to call another female student outside the Science lab. Then, A called that student and my science teacher said that A called her because A loves her. And, A got mad and shy.
[Off-topic] LoopDoGG79:
Sounds like your teacher is a real "A"

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see."

Winston Churchill
[Off-topic] Archer:
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
[Off-topic] veeman:
That's almost as good as your pasta joke.
[Off-topic] M_T_M:
[YOUTUBE]bcYppAs6ZdI[/YOUTUBE]
[Off-topic] Archer:
Ah the classics are never forgotten!

[youtube]0YAcoDkj_dI[/youtube]
[Off-topic] ArmorD:
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Sent from my teddy bear
[Off-topic] Archer:
My girlfriend's a real hardcore raver. She keeps trying to take me to raves and won't techno for an answer.
[Off-topic] momircar:
Two grandmas are sitting in the dark when suddenly comes the third one and turns the light off!

*va dum tsss*
[Off-topic] ApexPredator01:
Justin Bieber is a good singer !
[Off-topic] kangerX:
What's a Justin bieber ?

sent from the state where marijuana is NOT illegal !
[Off-topic] momircar:
Ahahhahahahha :D :D
[Off-topic] xaccers:
I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but I'd never know if you got it.
[Off-topic] skaterx2:
My all-time favorite

Q: What do you call a black man who flies a plane?

A: A pilot, you racist :o

(It's get the listener every time.)
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Annoyances

These things annoy the crap outa me...how 'bout you?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No idiot, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.

When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?

When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Thats a good one and original I must add ...
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer

guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the

problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking

away, I called after him,

"So, what was wrong?"

He replied,

"It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:

"An ID ten T error?

What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned....

"Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, " and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of

President G. W. Bush to honor his achievements.

In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

After a month's testing, a special presidential commission made the

following findings:

The stamp was in perfect order.

There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.

People were spitting on the wrong side.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
A commercial airliner is about to crash! There are 5 passengers on board but

alas, only 4 parachutes!!!

The 1st passenger says, "I'm Kobe Bryant, the best basketball player in the

NBA and the Lakers need me, so I can't afford to die." He takes the 1st pack

and jumps from the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Rodham Clinton says, "I am the wife of a former

U.S. President, I'm a N.Y. State Senator and a potential future president. I

must live!!" So she takes the 2nd pack and jumps out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, says, "I'm the President of the United

States of America. I have a great responsibility being the leader of a

super-power nation and I am the cleverest president in American history, so

America's people won't want me to die." So he grabs the pack next to him and

jumps out of the plane!

The 4th passenger, Bishop T.D. Jakes says to the 5th passenger, a 10 year

old school girl, "I've had a very good life and since I am a practicing

Christian, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute my

child." The girl says, "Nah, it's okay Rev, there is a parachute right here

for you!! America's cleverest president just jumped outta the plane with my

book bag."
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Subject: The Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the

donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some

people

who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was

riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed

positions.

Later, they passed some people that remarked, 'What a shame, he makes

that

little boy walk.' They then decided they both would walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk

when

they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put

such

a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right,

so

they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost

their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as

well

kiss your ass good-bye.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Subject: Kittens

GEORGE BUSH is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy **** Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to ****, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, "Look in the box ****, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend **** what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now"
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower

when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one

should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps

herself

up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door there stands

Bob,

the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that

towel

that you have on!" After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her

towel

and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her

$800

and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman

wraps

back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

"Who

was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband

says,

"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to

credit

and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to

prevent

avoidable exposure.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He

stopped

and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her

legs,

forcing her gown to open. The priest had a look and nearly had an

accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The

nun

looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to

remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the

priest

apologized "gave her a sorry meaningful glance" and went on to drop her

at

her destination and then proceeded on his way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and

looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will

find

glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might

miss

a great opportunity.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to

lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out

in a

puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each

of you

just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the administrative clerk. "I want

to

be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof!

She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be

in

Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless

supply

of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I

want

those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw

the

crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day

long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground

below

the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the

rabbit

and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be

sitting

very, very high up.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but "I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung

and

found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest

branch

of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top

of the

tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out

of

the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't

keep you

there.
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
Adult Jokes .......

☻Girl: Im like a radio,my mouth spkr,my left breast

tuner, right 1 volume. Man:Can I try?(touches d

breats)-no sound. Girl:U havent plugged in yet!

☻Nipple Nipple dont be far, can I press u in my car. Up

above the chest so high, always milky never dry. Let

me suck you, dont feel shy.

☻Man says to his wife: Let me take a picture of your

breasts, than I can always look at them. Wife: Let me

take a picture of you penis, I will have it enlarged

☻The sky is blue,grass is green,harder the **** the

louder the scream,louder the scream the better the

****,give me a ring u might be in luck

☻Q:Who is stronger, Man Or Woman? A:A woman bcos she

lifts 2 mountains on her chest while a man lifts 2

stones with the help of a crane.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to your wife after sex?

His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone.

☻Son on his honeymoon phoned his mom asking what 2 do.

MOM:Put ur biggest thng on her hairiest thng. SON:got

my nose in her armpit. Now what?

☻rooster&cat goin over bridge,cat slips&falls in

river.rooster cant stop laughin.wats D moral?whereva

therZ a wet ***** therZ a happy ****

☻LUV D WAY IT RUBS AGAINST D SOFT PINK FLESH N MAKES A

CREAMY FOAMY LIQUID AS IT THRUSTS IN&OUT,UP&DOWN,CAN`T

WAIT 4 NEXT TIME.LUV MY TOOTHBRUSH
[Off-topic] PURESKILLZZZ:
More adult Jokes.....

☻ This sms can only be read by a SEXY person: Try again...... Nothing? Sorry, i guess your just not SEXY..HEY! dont force it, ugly git!!

☻ Yo mama's so ugly, even the elephant man paid to see her.

☻ Ive got a tongue that'll blow ur mind let me hit u wid a 69 kiss me, caress me, slowly undress me I may seem defenceless, but baby I can **** u senseless.

☻ Don't be sad... don't feel blue... Frankenstein was ugly too...

☻ Wat's the diff between pulling a curtain and a panty? ANS: When U pull a curtain, it means tat the show is over. But pulling down a panty means IT'S SHOWTIME!

☻ I really, deeply wish tat u r here wif me in my room, on my bed & lights is off & we get under the cover together.. 2 show u my.. new watch tat glow in the dark

☻ What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support people are going to think we're nuts!

☻ Why are women like parking spaces?... Bcoz the good ones are always taken and the rest are all disabled!

☻ A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home

☻ According 2 Chinese Docs, a WoMaN'S BoDy HaS Five RooMS: 1.FACE-show room 2.BOOBS-play room 3.TUMMY-store room 4.VAGINA-men's room 5.ANUS-emergency room

☻ Hi i'm an alien i'm checking for some chicks in your phonebook searching..... searching..... searching..... sorry no chicks found. conclusion, your are gay!

☻ RECIPE 4 LUV CAKE:spread legs,squeeze + massage milk pots,check frequently with midfinger,add banana,work in-out till well

☻ I once had a One2One with a virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me till my face went Orange, till busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻ Humpty Dumpty ****ed a fat whore, Humpty Dumpty blew on the floor. All the kings horses & all the kings men, laid the slut down & ****ed her again!

☻ NEWSFLASH:) Earthquake in Pakistan...50,000 dead...U.S.A sending money, France sending food, Britain sending replacement paki's!!!

☻ i went for a walk with my uncle jim, when somebody threw a tomato

at him, tomatos dont hurt i replied with a grin. they ****ing well

do when theyre still in the tin.....

☻ Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?

☻ Beat me bash me bite my bum, ill whip u strip u til u cum, suck me **** me lick me out, pull my nipples til i shout

☻ Birdy birdy in the sky dropped a poopy in my eye, I don't worry I don't cry, I'm just happy that cows can't fly!

☻ sex is a sensation. It's about a man's temtation, putting his location in a woman's destination. Do you understand the explanation or do you need a demonstration?

☻ BOY : May I hold your hand ??

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy

☻ GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

☻Advantages of breast milk

A. No need to boli

B. Cat cannot steal

C.available in attractive containers

D.Liked by all age groups

E.Ek Par Ek FREE

☻23 useless things in a man's body

20 nails cannot be hammered

2 balls u cannot throw

1 **** cannot crow

Don't laugh gals ur ***** cannot catch mouse
[Off-topic] Cooptx:
This is great for passing time in class :D

My joke: Women's rights
[Off-topic] Aman Swaraj Pal:
Tech support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications. which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0,

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 60. and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.G. MONEY 10 and Football 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fixproblems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the a <span style="color: marooni;">Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5..

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 6.9._
[Off-topic] eushaun99:
^ made my day :D
[Off-topic] :
Look at these
[Off-topic] Deadpool:
Batman is better than Iron Man.

Hey wait wait. wait.. wait... wait....

Brought to you by my own mmmmuuuuffffffffiiiinnnn