[AT&T Samsung Galaxy S6 Edge] Poetique:
I really, really just want this company to go to hell now. I'm done. I actually cannot deal with speaking to anyone that works for them anymore.

I'm going to hope the device I have on the way is up to snuff, and if it's not, **** it, I'm jumping ship.

I have had the most utterly absurd and annoying experience possible dealing with this ****. Just to go through all of the goddamn hoops I've had to jump through trying to get my device exchanged (which by the way, I still don't have)

1. I call in to exchange the device. They feed me a BS line about it probably being damaged during shipping and that I -yes I as in ME, as if this is my problem- would have to open a claim with the shipper before anything would be done.

Heh... No. Wasn't happening. Having had to do it before, I know that crap can take months. So I waited until they got more complaints about the issue.

2. After waiting for a while, fortunately/unfortunately I noticed that my device had other issues that would circumvent any possible claim they could make blaming the shipper. Both my speaker (random crackling) and screen itself (bubble) were defective. So I flipped a coin and decided which issue to decide was going to be the better problem to hinge the issue on.

3. I go to a store to show the reps the issue with the screen. She saw it. She found it faster than I did for that matter. Unfortunately they don't carry the 128GB edge in-store, so I have to go back to dealing with the irritating online support team over the phone. Here's where **** gets really dumb.

4. Up until now, every representative I've spoken with has brought up the 14 day policy in the only way that makes any actual logical sense. That is, so long as I've had the device for 14 days or less, it can be exchange without issue (HAH!). I call support and the goomba initially asks me when I received the device. I told him it had been less than 14 days and confirmed that I received the device on the 7th. After putting me on hold for a while, he comes back fully prepared to feed me a new line of bull****. See now the policy I've been told by 3 different people is wrong. Instead it's 14 days from the day the device was shipped, and whether or not I had it is irrelevant. This of course effectively means that the 14 day policy is intentionally misleading because you're not going to have a device shipped to and received by you on the same day, meaning you never actually have 14 days. The 14 days after shipping also includes Sundays, despite the fact that you wouldn't be able to even receive the device on that day. The true irony of the situation is that he was one of the people who told me the policy -the wrong way.- I only remembered his name because the prick tried to be a smartass the first time I called originally.

5. So, after we get past the idiotic policy issue, we're talking about a device with three manufacturing defects that I'm apparently supposed to be stuck with, heh. After telling me the policy, he sits there as if all is well and what he has told me would even be somewhat acceptable. So I request to speak to a supervisor. Apparently there are no supervisors available and I'll be receiving a call in no less than 24 hours and no more than 48 hours. Then I was e-mailed about a survey :) :o :D

6. See, I like surveys that ask me about how satisfied I was about interacting with people. Especially ones with comment boxes that don't have character limits. So I fill out the survey and type a small novel explaining the various issues I have with the policy, why it doesn't really apply (due to the initial runaround I was given), and the various issues they're going to have with the policy if somebody doesn't stop trying to brush off the issues I'm having. I send the survey in and, out of thin air, a supervisor is available no more than 20 minutes later.

7. First things first... the supervisor spoke actual English and didn't sound like life itself was about to end. For a brief moment I was actually somewhat not pissed off. Shouldn't have bothered with even that small amount of satisfaction. I re-explain the issue with the device, and get the go-ahead on an exchange. To send the exchange they'll need to charge me for the device they're sending out until they receive the device I'm returning. Fine, but I have to transfer money over to the account associated with the original order for them to do so, so I have to call them back. I was told the replacement would be overnighted as soon as I was able to give the go ahead on the charge being processed. I was told to keep my current device until I receive the replacement. Which makes sense given that effectively I'm being charged for two devices right. RIGHT!? Nah. Not in AT&T land.

8. I call back in to let them know they can go ahead and process the charge. Everything is going smoothly right up until the person encounters an issue trying to push the order through and can't figure it out. I have to wait for a call back.

9. I get the call back, and what do you know, more crap! All of sudden, nothing can be charged because they need my current device to be returned to them before they can send me a replacement. WTF? W-T-F? WHAT IN THE ACTUAL F... So essentially a few hours after being told to keep the device I have until I get the replacement, the case is now that I must send in the device I have before I can have a replacement shipped. Mind you, putting money into the account I use for buying things like this isn't easy. My bank has no location -in my state.- So to deposit money in the quickest manner possible, it means driving across state lines. Oh... but I'm not done.

10. Not only must the device I have (had) be returned, they must actually receive it to their warehouse and somebody has to note that it was received. This apparently can take up TWO WEEKS to do. Mind you, this doesn't include however long it takes the device to get to them. This is AFTER the device makes it to them. Allegedly it usually happens in less than two weeks (oh, really? So you mean it's possible to not take two weeks to scan a barcode? Hrm, well, I'm sure glad y'all are so good at that.)

So where I stand right now is I'm currently using a 6 year old device that is unusable without a bluetooth headset because the speaker is no longer working that has a touchscreen that randomly malfunctions and a battery that occasionally refuses to charge. And for anywhere from 2-3 weeks, it's just supposed to be ok. But nah, it's not ok. Somebody is having a ****ty day every day until I get my replacement.

...oh, you thought it was over? Nah. This is AT&T. It's never over.

11. They finally receive the device. It took it 9 days to go three states over. I don't know who AT&T's "return shipping partner" is, but to be actually slower than the USPS is truly amazing.

12. They've now had the device for five working days and have yet to restore my upgrade so I can order another device. Stevie Wonder must be on the payroll to scan barcodes. So, being two weeks of productivity behind in some regards (just kinda how the world works when you need constant access to video conferencing and e-mails and can't do it -> I can barely send text messages on the device I'm using, and talking is out of the question if I'm not glued to my bluetooth or in a bathroom) I decide to try to come up with a way around this problem which crossed the point of being excessive irritating about a week ago. There's another line on my account that has an upgrade, so I call in to see if they can just restore the upgrade on the line the device is attached to to the line I want to use to go ahead and order a new device with. After repeating myself enough to the support reps who probably speak English as neither a first nor second language, I finally get confirmation that it can be done. But nah... of course. Too easy.

13. I have some things to do before I can place the order, but I finally get around to placing it, get to the last step to put in information to order the device and... hmm... credit card not valid. I switch browsers, TWICE, credit card continues to be invalid. AT&T apparently doesn't want my money. The humor of all this is that it's the same damn account I placed the order with when it worked FINE. I keep trying over and over and over again, and on attempt 8 it finally goes through. This part of the nightmare is over

...NOPE!

14. Order goes through, seemingly, until I get an e-mail saying it was canceled with not the slightest hint of an explanation as to why. I'll have to call in to find that out. And here we have the problem, because tomorrow I'm not even going to bother explaining anything. I better call in and hear, "we ****ed up, your order is fine and already on its way." Anything other than that and I'm going to invent new curse words to beat whoever I'm talking to with over the head until they're just as irritated as I am.

I've never spat on anyone in my life, but I'm at that point where if I saw a single person I've had to deal with in regards to this problem, I might spit on them and pay the nearest 10 people I could find to spit on them too.

This is a COMPLETE failure in customer service.