[Off-topic] –NigthFury–:
I see you getting stressed and pressed in every way..these are jokes from every where I found.if this is anyway abusive..I am sorry.and that goes to the site I got from.

this list is from listverse...

Jokes 1-10

1. A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is

your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll

do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as

you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey,

why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and

one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the

bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

2. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my

brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor

says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We

would. But we need the eggs.”

3. A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the

patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth

and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his

mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my

unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”

The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts

his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth.

After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs

the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens

wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed.

Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay

anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a

while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a

woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to

promise not to hit me on the head with the beer

bottle.”

4. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit

around the breakfast table. The mother asks the

oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some

****in’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged

at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.

She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I

guess that leaves more ****in’ French toast for me,”

he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him

away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he

wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly,

“but I definitely don’t want the ****in’ French toast.”

5. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent

scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to

the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says

to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!”

the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent

responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy

says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel

like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent

gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his

patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will

amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in

your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all

time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout,

having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto

the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe

I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

6. A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak

beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh

Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can

conduct the High Holiday service better than the

temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes,

though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He

takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the

bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll

get on Yom Kippur!”

7. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father

O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m

seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently

involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side,

her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of

pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.”

“My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come

to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the

guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”

8. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of

them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and

his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his

phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps:

“My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says:

“Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s

dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”

9. A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be

some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to

die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter.

“No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St.

Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”

10. Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is

bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into

town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles

to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who

is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says.

‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X

where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on

the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is

in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks.

“He says you’re gonna die