[Kindle Fire HDX 7" & 8.9" General] digitaldrama:
Jake can't be found here. Sorry.

No. No it's not. I'm sorry. Your father has already taken him to the farm in Alaska. We talked about this, right? Jake is with all his snake friends. They frolic and play all day long. They fetch snowballs and sip hot coco. They make snowmen and then bite them in the ankles. OH... Jake is having the time of his life.

We're going for a new pet snake on Thursday. Maybe Jake and Jake II will become penpals.

I'm just a weary traveler wandering the desert. I have my Mom in tow on a toboggan we fashioned from cheap Dollar Store crap. You know, those abused, sweatshop laborers don't want to be making plastic toilet brushes and all the other plastic sh**. They have dreams too. They pine for the really big jobs (careers really). They long to be ill-treated making iPads. They daydream about having 90 second rest periods, take a wee in a hole in the floor(instead of their pants), and partake of all the free Oolong they can force into their gullets. They dream of gazing out at the stars, past the suicide nets. They wish upon those stars and wonder what their families are doing with the $2 (American) monthly paycheck they send home. Sure, they'll never see Tara again. Sure, they'll die early from exhaustion. Sure, they'll be gound up for Soylent Green™.

Soylent Green™ is people! Soylent green is peeeople ! ! Damn dirty apes!

They won't ever gaze upon the water resistant refrigerator boxes, they called home. They wilI be at peace knowing mom and dad, their gaggle of brother and sisters (the ones they hide from the government) will only be semi-starving. Their bellies will be half-full from warm duck bill broth and chicken feet. The duck bills and chicken feet you paid for with your passion for technology. Steve Jobs is surely looking down from Chinese heaven.

Oh the humanity, grammar... grammar... grammar. Run on sentences, horriblr miss spellings ! Is there spellcheck or am I being denied it's use?

What was the question again?

Oh yeah. Got it.

Mom and I, have become desert nomads. We can't go home. The wifi doesn't make it out here, amongst the dunes. Beelzebubezos can't find us. We refuse to be subjected to an android os, enrobed in a sh**ty gui chocolate. Sure we've seen the package delivery drones. They seek us. They won't ever find us. There is a rumor that the drones carry wifi relays. That's just hearsay from those turned insane by heat stroke and those that desire to distract us. They want the toboggan. They envy us.

Can't someone help mom? I can't keep, both pulling her along and holding her sun umbrella at the same time. All she wants to do is play solar powered Angry Birds. I fear she's losing her mind.

Can't someone answer my firewall question?

For the love of god, someone answer my firewall question? Is it a viable solution to keep the Kindle from updating?

I can't keep going on like this. I need answers god damn it!

So to summarize:

1. Jake the Snake is collecting a yearly oil dividend for moving to Alaska

2. News of Jake may very well come to us via a close pen pal relationship with Jake II

3. China has recently relaxed it's "one child per family policy". They are running out of labor. The labor that dutifully manufactures the ever growing piles of detritus, that feed the global obsession for possessions. We need to do our part to help finance the inevitable Chinese ownership of earth.

4. Duck bills have .28% of the USDA recommended daily requirement of Vitamin C

5. Steve Jobs continues to be revered in China. He rolls in his grave, over Apple's color choices for the new iWatches(that don't really exist)

6. Mom is now paranoid and remains on suicide watch

7. Saying Bezos, Bezos, Bez*s three times will make him appear.

8. Captcha was created by the Nazis. Once thought to be lost, It turned up in CIA rendition sites in the 2001.

9. The question of configuring a firewall to block Kindle updates still looms unanswered.

10. Over zealous password parameters are ruining the internet experience for everyone. Not everyone is holding the U.S. nuclear launch codes on their Apple Newton. Not everyone is harboring anything even remotely interesting, with the possible exception of blackmail selfies.

11. I am not Jake. My name is Mark... but whatever does it for ya, it's your dime.

12. I forgot my meds today.

13. is an unlucky number. It hides in plain sight. 13.3.2.1 Hmmmm...

14. We're going for a new pet snake on Thursday.

15. I'm kidding. I took my meds. I feel just fine.

Good Night and Good Luck

Did I mention that Captcha is the devils Rubik's Cube.