[Galaxy Ace S5830 General] Faiz Malkani:
I think so what i really want to know is when it stops, when it ends. how is it that other

people are so sure of themselves, of their

lives. of their beliefs? this has really been

bothering me. i've mentioned i grew up in a

conservative, cloistered denomination.

wasn't really plugged in there, as far as

buying into all the doctrines, but you know,

was comfortable in the community because

it was all i knew. then i left it. then i became

a baptist. i know. frying pan/fire kind of

thing. not sure who is the frying pan. who is

the fire. not sure. thing is i love my church. i

love quite a few of the people i've gotten to

know at my church. even though there have

been times i have been horrified when some

of the really conservative freaky stuff comes

flying out of their mouth like stuff about

abortion or racial issues. it's enough to

make me want to pack my bags and get the

hell out of here. but of course it's not quite

that easy because i have roots here, kids,

family. and my kids love their school. best

school ever. except for the whole

conservative freaky stuff. so then i find

myself connecting more with people here in

the blogosphere and i start questioning

again what am i doing here and then i start

looking back at spots in my life, forks in the

road where, quite franky, i simply went the

wrong way. and then i start seeing people

that seem damn sure about where they are

and not just that but so damn sure they are

so right about everything. and the people

that think they are so damn right? they

scare me. they scare the crap out of me and

really i guess they are everywhere. those

people make me want to run and hide. i'm a

runner. really i am. a hider. a questioner

though. i do question. i do believe 42 is to

young to have decided i know everything

and that my narrow little world is the only

right world so even though i live in what

sometimes seems a very small narrow little

world at least i do not believe that i have to

fit into it that i can go out of it even when

i'm here. the thing is i didn't know i would

be so dissatisfied and angry at 42. no one

told me and also i think that i thought that

by the time i hit 42 everything should be on

track and perfect which is just stupid and i

hope i hope i hope i don't teach my kids that

there is some kind of end goal in life but to

rather really, and i know it's a total cliche,

but i hope they learn to enjoy the journey

and all that. to see the beauty in the little

things, the joy and peace in a quiet, rainy,

may afternoon, a cat sleeping next to you,

spewing stupid crazy **** out into the

internet. i hope they can be o.k. with the

wondering. and the wandering for that

matter. i hope they stay a little truer to

themselves than i have, although i think that

is what i am angry at myself for. not being

true to myself and also not admitting that

actually i do know what i believe and i am a

big chicken **** so much of the time. and

that is not where i meant to go with this at

all. and if you are still reading this maybe

you should wonder why you are still reading

it and also sorry for the no caps, but really i

hate caps.

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