yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] xaccers:
What is the smallest caliber you can trust to protect yourself?

My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22

short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking.

I never leave home without it.

Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the

"Buddy System". This means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend,

companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to

go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern

Alberta and out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and boy,

was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today.

Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by

just walking away at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection...
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
In an exam...

Tick Tock

Mind Block

Pen Stop

Eye Pop

Full Shock

Jaw Drop

Time Up

No Luck

Oh F*#k...!!! ;-):-P
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
Why do ENGINEERING

students

always prefer Local Author

books than REFERENCE

books???

The local author says-

"Jack & Jill went up the hill

to

fetch a pail of water, jack

fell

down and broke his crown

and

Jill came tumbling after"

&

REFERENCE BOOK says,

2 humans ascended a

certain

geological protuberance to

collect

hydride of oxygen whose

quantity is not specified.

One member Jack of

rapid irregular

disturbing movements

encounter

fatal logical gravitational

error

leading to complete

disarray!

Other member whose

scope lies

within disarray descends

down the geographical

protuberance

at an

acceleration, whose

magnitude is

controlled by the force of

gravity"!!
[Off-topic] j00k3r:
Death knocks on the doors and saw Chuck Noriss... after paused for about five seconds, yelled, CARNIVAAAAAAAAL !!! :D
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
Advntages of pillow:

...4 sleeping?

no

...4 pilow fight?

no

Then...?

...4 hiding ur cell while texting late at nyt...!!:-D;-)
[Off-topic] AndroidStyle:
Now thats what i call a "lame joke"

Congrats sir, ure in right place :)
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
After seeing the subject of this thread, I thought of participating ;)
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
Teachr asks Jonny bout sounds made

by animals

T: dog?

J:Barks

T:Cat?

J:Meow

T:Lion

J:aah aah aah fast aah yeah aah

T:I said Lion not Leone

J: ohhh sry:) :D
[Off-topic] .xxx.:
Husband wanted to call the hospital

to ask about his pregnant wife,

but accidentally called the cricket stadium.

He asks, How's the situation?

He was shocked & nearly died on hearing the reply.

They said, It's fine. 3 are out,

hope to get another 7 out by lunch,

last one was a duck :p......
[Off-topic] cdesai:
^^Lame jokes from fb pages / texts
[Off-topic] DefunctiO:
A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt. :)
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Got a text from the missus this morning -

"Windows frozen - what should I do?"

So I texted back -

"Just pour some luke warm water over it - that will clear it."

After half an hour she texted again -

"Computer seems totally dead now !"

------------------

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey ..

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..

As the ambulance takes the body away,

Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.

----------------------

As you know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice merlot.

Knowing I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.
[Off-topic] FxNL:
The explanation kinda ruined the joke...
[Off-topic] zanderman112:
Yeah, twas what I was thinking :/

~ E.R.A.
[Off-topic] scoffyburito:
So a bartender is talking to a guy, the bartender says,"Oh yeah we saw you doing it all at lunch yesterday with your wife at your house, the whole town saw you!! You should've closed the curtains!" The guy says, " Well the jokes on you! I wasn't home at lunch yesterday!..."
[Off-topic] lamborg:
knock knock

who's there

old thread

old thread who?

old thread which made the other thread closed.
[Off-topic] neo.ank:
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an

animated conversation. An American woman is sitting across from them. The

woman isn't paying attention to their conversation at first, but her

attention is grabbed when she hears one of the men say the following:

Man:

Emma come first. then I come. then two asses come together. I come

once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee

twice. Then I come one lasta time.

American woman:

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" shouts the lady indignantly. "In this

country....we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....

Man:

Hey, coola down lady," "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my

frienda how to spella... ' Mississippi ' .
[Off-topic] mattbradfo:
Why can't women drive?

Because there's no road from the bedroom to the kitchen ;)
[Off-topic] xaccers:
I found my first grey pubic hair this morning.

I don't normally have a problem with things like this, but it was in my Big Mac.....
[Off-topic] :
two bananas walk on the street one gets hit by a car and the other peels from laugh. :)
[Off-topic] plainjane:
I haven't read the entire thread, so sorry if they're repeats:

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm?

- Follow the fresh prints (Fresh Prince).

Corny and not so funny, I know.

If a tree falls on a woman, and no one's around to hear it, does it still make a sound?

- I've got a better question for you... What the **** is a forest doing in the kitchen?!

I'm a lady, so I can get away with that joke.
[Off-topic] stumpyz9:
OMG!!!! A lady on XDA??? This is a rare occurrence!
[Off-topic] Dirk:
I was shagging the missus last night when she started complaining about how we never have normal sex anymore, and that i'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films.

Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates. :rolleyes:
[Off-topic] xaccers:
I spent several hours in casualty last night - turns out that a Dyson ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was!
[Off-topic] Dirk:
xaccers delivers! I've sent that in SMS form to everyone i know. :D

Hello to all. I hope i find you all in rude health?
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Yay Dirk! I had been worried that the report of Auntie cancelling you had been taken too literally :)
[Off-topic] Dirk:
:D

Auntie was a bit naughty not paying for Brad Pitt to portray me. I feel my dashing good looks are being under-represented!
[Off-topic] PMGRANDS:
A Mobster finds out his bookkeeper's been eff'n him out of tens, of millions of dollars. But the catch is, the mobsters bookkeeper's deaf. Which in parts the main reason he was given the job in the first place...

Seeing that the bookkeeper's totally deaf, he wouldn't be able to testify about any of the mobsters illegal activities in courtroom.

Anyways...

When the mobster goes to shake the bookkeeper down about his missing $10 million, the bookkeeper happens to be with his attorney who knows sign lanuage.

So the mobster says to the bookkeeper: "Where is the eff is my money? Steal from me?" I'll kill you!

So the attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where's his money hidden, He said he's gonna Kill you...

So the bookkeeper signals back: "I don't know what he's talking about."

The attorney tells the mobster: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

So now the extremely pissed mobster pulls out his silencer, screws it on his pistol and puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, and says: "Last Chance, Ask him Again!"

So once again, the attorney signals to the bookkeeper: "He's gonna kill you! Don't be Stupid... Tell him now!"

This time, Without hesitation the bookkeeper signals back quickly: "OK! OK! Tell'em Don't shoot...

Tell him All of its burried behind the Brown shed in my backyard!"

Now completely at his breaking point the mobster Screams at the attorney... "Well, what the F**k did he say?"

So nervously the attorney looks at the mobster and says... I really did try, But unfortunately, He just won't cooperate...

Oh yeah....

And He keeps reminding me to tell you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Lmao...
[Off-topic] azzledazzle:
two mushrooms walking down a street, One mushroom says to the other ''why are you always laughing and joking?''

the other mushroom replies ''Im just a Fungi''
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
A woman who is heavily pregnant with triplets, gets shot 3 times in the stomach during an armed robbery. When she's in hospital the doctor says to her "Luckily, you'll be absolutely fine and there's not a problem. Also, the babies are unharmed. But be aware, at some point in their life, the bullets will have to get out of them, one way or another." "Okay thank you doctor" she replied.

She ends up having 2 girls and 1 boy.

Now, 4 years down the line, one of her daughters says to her, "Mummy, I've just been for a pee and a bullet came out"

The mum replies, "That's okay sweetie. It won't happen again"

Another 4 years later, her other daughter comes downstairs and says the same, to which her mother replies, "That's fine darling. It won't happen again. You're fine"

After a final 6 years later, her son comes downstairs and his mum says, "Let me guess, you went for a pee and a bullet came out?"

"No" he replied. "I went for a w*nk and shot the cat"

;)

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[Off-topic] 95Z28:
There's a man gassing up his car while smoking a cigarette, he catches on fire. A cop is driving past so the man trys to flag him down, and the cop shoots the man dead. When the cop is asked why he shot the man the cop replies "he was waving a firearm at me!"
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
One of my favourite jokes has gotta be from Tim Vine - Velcro, what a rip off!

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[Off-topic] shravbits:
Guy: (to siri) Joke?

Siri : Two iPhones walk into a bar I forget the rest

Guy: (laughing) : that's funny

Siri: Was it something I said?

Guy: No derp, stupid, you just told me a joke.

Siri: I don't understand "no derp stupid you just told me a joke", Would you like for me to search it?

True story. You know how dumb siri is usually....

Sent from a blaze of amazon using Tapatalk
[Off-topic] Stridar:
Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Because he wanted to.
[Off-topic] isaiahe97:
Why did the plane crash???

The pilot was a loaf of bread.

True story. Happened in 1978.
[Off-topic] PoorCollegeGuy:
Okay I'll do one.

3 guys are lined up at the gates of Heaven. God walks out and states "We've kinda filled our quota for letting people into Heaven today, so I'm only letting people in if they have good death stories."

The first man walks up.

"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 24th story apartment building when a sudden gust of wind knocked me off balance and I fell. I fell for maybe 10 stories when luck sided with me and I grabbed a ledge with my finger tips. Slowly losing my grasp, I thought I was done and over with when a man came out. He gave me a weird look, went inside and came out with a hammer and proceeded to hammer my hands off the ledge. I fell the remaining stories through a tree and some brush and managed to survive with a bunch of broken bones. As I was reaching for my cell phone to call an ambulance, a refrigerator landed on me...and here I am!"

God nodded with a look of empathy. "You may go in and may I say I'm sorry for the way you went."

The second man walks up:

"I was sure that my wife was cheating on me. Knowing I could catch her, I told her I worked late then came home early. The house just reeked of sex and I knew some dirty deeds had been done. I searched high and low, in every cabinet and closet and couldn't find the son of a *****. My wife, naked in bed---cuz you know that's normal for a married couple---assured me I was nuts. So I walked out on the balcony of our apartment to sort through my thoughts and I see the f***er trying to hide by clinging to the ledge! Angry, I went and found a hammer and went to town on his hands until he fell. Enraged at this point, I tore the refrigerator out of the kitchen, hurled it outside and promptly died of a heart attack."

God nodded again. "Yes, my son, women weren't my proudest work. You may go in"

The third guy struts up to God:

"So get this, I'm hiding naked...in a refrigerator..."
[Off-topic] Archer:
Well if we're doing anti-jokes as well....

How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
A horse walks into a bar. All the other customers walk out because they realise the seriousness of the situation.

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[Off-topic] Archer:
How do you know when an elephant's been in your fridge?

Complete decimation of all the houses on the route he took to your house.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients. *The first surgeon said, " Electricians are the best, everything inside is colour coded."

* The second surgeon says, " No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

* The third surgeon shut them all up when he said: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus the head and arse are interchangeable.
[Off-topic] KidCarter93:
I went to my barbers and ask for a Justin Bieber do. The pr*ck only went and shaved my pubes off :O

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[Off-topic] chopper the dog:
What did the grape say when an elephant stepped on him?

Nothing. He just let out a little wine.
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
LOL some are just so LOLOLOL
[Off-topic] 4silvertooth:
Why was elephant laughing?

Because he was reading lame jokes.

Why was ant amazed?

Because she just learned that elephants can read.
[Off-topic] dexter93:
How does a cat call a mouse which is running?

FAST FOOD

...aes eht rednu

peed morf tneS
[Off-topic] pasangamage:
stupid as u can get

3 people went under an umbrella and they didnt get even a little bit wet..

why?

because it wasnt raining :D
[Off-topic] DanWilson:
If Amy Winehouse was an alcoholic she'd be Amy Wine-- oh wait...

Me and JimJam707 (on Twitter he is @JimJam707 - go abuse him) did tonnes of these a while back.
[Off-topic] brock350:
Why did the elephant walk on marshmallows? so he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
I ROFL

10 chars LOLOLOL
[Off-topic] nanodroid:
LoL

A Hippy on a bus sees a nun & goes over & asks her to have sex, nun says shes married to God & gets off the bus.. The Bus driver says: "If you want sex with her she goes to the graveyard every nite at 12, just dress up as God". The Hippy goes to the Graveyard that nite Dressed as God sees the nun & says:"I'm God, i want sex". Nun says ok, but asks for anal as she wants to keep her virginity. So they go ahead & when they finish the Hippy says: "ahaa I'm the Hippy!" the Nun replys: "ahaa I'm the bus driver!"..:D:D
[Off-topic] MacaronyMax:
Phahahahahah grim :p
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
HAHAHAHA!!
[Off-topic] SteveG12543:
YES! Win. I love that lol.

Sent from my Droid Incredible running a random CM7 nightly.
[Off-topic] Jayedamina:
why do birds fly south for the winter? A. because they can't drive:rolleyes:
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
Boy: Can I say something?

Girl: Of course!

Boy: Something.
[Off-topic] ghost_231:
what is bruce lee's favorite burger?

WWWWHHHHOOOOPPPPEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!

(prounce whopa)

what is his favorite drink?

WWWWWAAAAAAATTTTTTEEEEERRRRR!!!!!

(pronouce wata) :p
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Two parrots standing on a perch.

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"
[Off-topic] sklassy:
Yo!..I like that...haha
[Off-topic] rachovich:
Years before space exploration begin, to overcome pressure-less condition in outer space, American scientists researched an electronic pen with internally-pressurized ink which costs millions of dollars so that it can be used to write anywhere in space.

The Russian use pencil instead...
[Off-topic] mrrick:
That's not lame, just sad! :)

*insert sig here*
[Off-topic] Archer:
There's two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
[Off-topic] Archer:
And one for the Lost fans...

What did one snowman say to the other?

"Can you smell carrots?"
[Off-topic] rachovich:
Duck and Hen

At a place near to a market, a Duck is talking to a Hen...

Hen: Hey Duck, how much do your eggs priced?

Duck: Eleven cents. How 'bout yours?

Hen: Ah, only ten. How could you got more?

Duck: Of course, I made it bigger than yours. Next time try to make them bigger, pal!

Hen: Ah, no way. Better to lose one cent than losing my ass ...:D
[Off-topic] Archer:
A guy came to my front door and asked, "Do you want your shed re-tarred?"

I said "No", so he took it.
[Off-topic] MacaronyMax:
Phaha :D me gusts

What did Batman say to robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car
[Off-topic] xaccers:
It's also not true :)
[Off-topic] mrrick:
I doubt it. Lol

Sigh.. goodby shuttle program.

*insert sig here*
[Off-topic] Bharakrama:
One day a man went to the doctor. The doctor asked the man to take his pants off and left the room. When he came back, he saw that the man had 5 penises. The doctor exclaimed "Oh my god. You have 5 penises, how do your pants fit?" The man looked at the doctor and said "like a glove."
[Off-topic] mjborja788:
MAN1: Hey! Are those your apples? Can I have some?

MAN2: You want to have some?!?!! Where were you when I planted the seeds?!? Where were you when I dug the soil? Where were you when I watered the seedlings? Where were you when i harvested all of these huh? WHERE WERE YOU?!?!?!!!!!

MAN1: .......I was in jail for killing a SELFISH man..

MAN2: !!!!! ....uh uhmm, go eat as many as you want! Hehe..I even have pineapples and mangoes, do you want some??
[Off-topic] Archer:
I have to imagine him saying it like Jim Carey.
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
OMFGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Off-topic] idavid_:
I'm not the only one :p

Swyped from my HTC Sensation
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Q) What was the last thing to go through the fly's mind before it was hit by the windscreen?

A) It's ass!
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Flies have donkeys? ;)

I took part in the male contraception pill trials last year.

The pill is 2cm across and 1cm high!

You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.
[Off-topic] Archer:
Yeah, what's with the faux american accent, Dirk? I know it's arse, xaccers knows it's arse, and I'm pretty sure you know it's arse as well ;)
[Off-topic] hansvries01:
from Youtube

She: You can trust me

He: How can I trust someone bleeding every month and not dying?
[Off-topic] mikma80:
Knock knock...
[Off-topic] NightHawk877:
Who's there?
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Doctor

/10char
[Off-topic] Solrac_Leinad:
Doctor Who? o.O

Really?.... Hi hi!! xD

(I was the lamest)
[Off-topic] :
A neutron walks into the bar and says "How much for a drink?" The bartender says "For you, no charge." :p

-My signature is so much better than yours-
[Off-topic] :
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."

"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
[Off-topic] :
What did the apple say to the orange?

Nothing stupid, apples don't talk.

--------------------------------------

Why can't a chicken coop have more than 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

------------------------------------------

Why don't anteaters get sick?

Because they're full of anty-bodies.
[Off-topic] :
1. Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

2. At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.

IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

3. Doctor's office in Rome:

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

4. Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner. Japan:

COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL

YOURSELF.

5. In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

6. On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:

NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

7. In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

8. The best! In a Tokyo bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

9. Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

10. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS,

ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
[Off-topic] :
Actual label instructions on consumer goods

1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2. On a bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

(the shoplifter special?)

3. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be how???....)

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

Don 't turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get

those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(and... I'm taking this because???...)

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to... what?)

11. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)

14. On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

15. On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)