yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] xaccers:
15 Prince Philip quotes

1. China State Visit, 1986

If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.

2. To a blind women with a guide

“Do you know they have eating dogs for the anorexic now?”

3. To an Aborigine in Australia

“Do you still throw spears at each other?”

4. To his wife, the Queen, after her coronation

“Where did you get the hat?”

5. When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union

“The bastards murdered half my family”

6. To a Briton in Budapest

“You can’t have been here that long – you haven’t got a pot belly.”

7. To a driving instructor in Scotland

“How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”

8. After the Dunblane shooting

“If a cricketer, for instance, suddenly decided to go into a school and batter a lot of people to death with a cricket bat, which he could do very easily, I mean, are you going to ban cricket bats?”

9. To a student who had been trekking in Papua New Guinea

“You managed not to get eaten, then?”

10. To Elton John after hearing Elton had sold his Gold Aston Martin

“Oh, it’s you that owns that ghastly car – we often see it when driving to Windsor Castle.”

11. On the London Traffic Debate

“The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism, we could stop the congestion.”

12. To the President of Nigeria, dressed in traditional robes

“You look like you’re ready for bed!”

13. Unknown

“If you see a man opening a car door for a woman, it means one of two things: it’s either a new woman or a new car!”

14. On key problems facing Brazil

“Brazilians live there”

15. To the matron of a hospital in the Caribbean

“You have mosquitos. I have the Press”
[Off-topic] trell959:
Steve Job's life didn't flash before his eyes because Apple doesn't support flash!
[Off-topic] The Archangel:
thats very messed up but also extremely funny
[Off-topic] phatmanxxl:
It supposed to go, Steve Jobs saw his life HTML5 before his eyes.
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Hahahaha:D

Love the Prince Philip quotes too. The man calls 'em as he sees 'em.
[Off-topic] deliriousDroid:
Well done quoting job good sir:P but I do agree with you... he don't think about what he says much.lol

Sent from my SilverBullet 'HTCDesireZ running CM7'
[Off-topic] B-vb:
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

The Holocaust!
[Off-topic] xaccers:
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle'.

When asked to comment on the arrest, the President Obama said, 'If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.' White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President - It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
[Off-topic] kooh pal:
wouldve been funnier had i not snoozed my way through and out of 6th grade math :)
[Off-topic] stuffinthesky:
@xaccers hahaha That one really cracked me up.

Sent from my BlackICE(d out) Inspire!!!
[Off-topic] rhoosain:
Blind Man

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.

All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks,

"What are you doing?!!"

The blind man replies,

"Just looking around."
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Have you heard about viagra eye drops?

They do nothing for your love life, but they don't half make you look 'ard

Police in Yorkshire are warning parents of a new way kids are taking Ecstacy.

They're crushing tablets up and rubbing them in around their teeth.

It's e by gum.
[Off-topic] :
GUY 1: did u hear about the bloke Joe King?

GUY 2: No, y what happened?

GUY 1' He committed suicide coz no took him seriously ... <--- I made that meself...

Teacher: Simon, spell ur name backwards

Simon: Nomis

Timmy: Mom I don't wanna go to school

Mom: but Timmy, ur the headmaster...
[Off-topic] :
Apparently Steve Jobs' funeral wasn't flash ;-)

And iOS is probably the funniest and lame joke ever :D
[Off-topic] jaszek:
This is a good joke:

This thread was started in 2009, it was forgotten, and another, more popular joke thread took over this year. Yet you still post in this one in 2011.
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Thread saved by some decent late entries! Perhaps a kindly mod could merge this with the existing joke thread?

http://xdaforums.com/showthread.php?t=1220657&page=1

God knows we could all do with some humour in our lives! (And i've missed the Joke thread). :)

Edit: Thanks kindly mod!

How did this thread drop off the map?? Keep the funnies coming...
[Off-topic] kooh pal:
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two

pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. ‘Yeah baby! Shake those things.’

Our friend turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, calm down!’

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off herdress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again the man behind our friend yelled out, ‘Oh baby! You're almost there!’

Our friend again turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!’

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, ‘Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?’

The guy responded, ‘It's all over your back, dude.’
[Off-topic] Dirk:
I threw some cheese at my mate today, he said, "that's not very mature".

----------------------

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer

----------------------

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings brought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood...

we discovered that when I am in a mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f****** red mark on her forehead

----------------------

Grammar is important.

Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

----------------------

Apparently 1 in 10 people live next to a paedophile - luckily I live next to two gorgeous 14 year olds

----------------------
[Off-topic] PMGRANDS:
Good Thread man...
[Off-topic] Archer:
"I say, Holmes, why are you spreading lemon juice on my backside?"

"Lemon entry, my dear Watson. Lemon entry."
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Nearly had a threesome last night...

Only needed two more people.
[Off-topic] Dirk:
I hate Halloween, so this year I decided to turn off all the lights and pretended no one was in.

Screw the boats. My Lighthouse, my rules!
[Off-topic] OmegaRED^:
I did the same thing but dressed like Jason in a glow in the dark outfit.

And opened all the curtains so that people could see this glowing figure moving thru the darkness of the house.

Then at 12:00 most of the neighborhood fell asleep..

So i played a scene for a choice horror movie as loud as i could awakening everyone to a brutal midnight.
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
When I was a junior accountant,

I asked the Partners,

Where are the girls?

This firm's unbalanced,

1 for 2 guys!

'Tis what he said to me:

Hey sakai, sakai...

Whatever will be, will be.

We practise double entry,

Ratio sounds good to me.
[Off-topic] Kailkti:
The constipated accountant couldn't budget it.

And

The poor soldier went to war and lost his arms.

$1 gets you a reply
[Off-topic] frigid:
You know when you see a guy driving a convertable you think wow that's kind of gay? That's what the iphone is like.
[Off-topic] 5h1nob1:
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? wipes his @$$
[Off-topic] idavid_:
I know, that's why I posted it

Swyped from my HTC Sensation
[Off-topic] Dirk:
I often wonder if people ever misconstrue my serious posts for lame jokes. Or if they misconstrue my serious jokes as lame posts??

I need to sleep.....:D
[Off-topic] MacaronyMax:
Everwonder why when birds fly in a V shape one side is longer than the other?

Its because there's more birds on that side :p

Sent from my HTC Vision
[Off-topic] Dirk:
That is the most funny, least funny joke so far in the Least-Funny thread, that is in the most funny of all forums, Off topic. Which is bloody hilarious some times!
[Off-topic] MacaronyMax:
Hehehe thank you ;) :p

Sent from my HTC Vision
[Off-topic] idavid_:
This is so stupid and lame it made me laugh :p

Swyped from my HTC Sensation
[Off-topic] mrrick:
Where do u find a one legged dog?

Right where you left the damn thing..
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Best 'Lame Joke' thread ever...!

Q) Why do dogs lick their balls?

A) Because they can!

Q) Why do women wipe their eyes when they wake up in the morning?

A) Because they haven't got balls to scratch!
[Off-topic] yellowsnowball:
What do you call a one-legged cow?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a horse with no legs?

You don't call it; you go get it.
[Off-topic] torikorocks:
What's the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

Snowballs.

What is the difference between an orange?

A telephone pole because motorcycles don't have doors.

(This is not supposed to make sense.)

Sent from my Droid X somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle.
[Off-topic] Fuzzyslippers42:
Why didn't the butt want to talk about the toilet?

It was beneath him..

:( That was soooooo lame.....
[Off-topic] CelticNinja:
Two guys walked into a bar...

...you'd think the first guy would have seen it..
[Off-topic] James Rivera:
Catch A Rabbit

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test.

He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" :eek:
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
So, a white cat walked alongside a dirty drain and then he fell into it.

A black cat walks past, looks down on the white cat and says:

"Meow"
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
One of the most lamest ever. It's so stupid I lol.
[Off-topic] Shadow-Nexus:
What did the farmer said when someone had stolen his truck?

Where is my truck?

Sent from my G2 via transperent XDA app running Cyanogenmod 7.1
[Off-topic] Archer:
What does Michael Jackson use to plough a field?

A HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What does Michael Jackson call his Mum?

A HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

What does Michael Jackson say when he's dressed as Father Christmas?

Ho-Ho-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Off-topic] Archer:
Where do small American birds live if they like to start cars?

Chick-car-go

Where does Volcano Dog take a piss?

At the lava-tree
[Off-topic] Pluto:
Two high man, one took a mirror and looked. says "Holy ****, this guy looks really familiar"

The other man grabs the mirror yelling "lemme see", he looks at the mirror and says "You idiot! That's me!"
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Accountant jokes! :D

Got any more?
[Off-topic] NatsuDragneell:
My punch line is ' were yo mama at ! '

RcMix 3D Darkside ICS Glacier HD

Tdj's Demonspeed Insanity v7

Virtuous OC Damean

ClockWorkMod Recovery 5.0.2.0
[Off-topic] trell959:
What do you call a girl who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year?

A widow.
[Off-topic] solbg:
The Bulgarian president got high one day and prank callеd obama tlling him his gay.

on the other day the us blow up france. The bulgarian president gat high again and called obama asking "why france you fag?" and hung up.The next day the us bombed russia.The bresident calld obama again asking "WTH" so obama replied "if I ever find you on the map you'll be living in a crater" :D
[Off-topic] Rudoslav:
LOL, best one:D
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Q) How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

A) Marry her!
[Off-topic] KhalCamargo:
A: You know the joke's not, like me?

B: Not.

A: Like me!

(this is a hit here in Brazil)

---------- Post added at 11:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:24 AM ----------

You know the joke of the photographer?

it has never been revealed ...
[Off-topic] coolsandie:
Beauty of English

Ever noticed how deleting one word after the other in a sentence can lead to a nice story?

Here's an example:

Oh John please don't touch me at all...!

Oh John please don't touch me at...!

Oh John please don't touch...!

Oh John please don't...!

Oh John please...!

Oh John..!

Ohhh....
[Off-topic] KhalCamargo:
Same.......
[Off-topic] PMGRANDS:
Michael Jordan, Michael Jackson, & Mike Tyson visit the Vatican to see the pope, Mike Tyson's eating peanuts and throwing the shells all over the ground as there walking....

In disgust Michael Jordan's shaking his head walking faster trying to get away from the embarrassment (Tyson), and so is Michael Jackson, Both scared they might get asked to leave if they were caught near Tyson....

But to Tyson it didn't matter, he only went along on the trip for the nightlife part of the trip anyways, He really didn't give a **** about going to see the pope and he definitely didn't care about the blessing that Jordan and Jackson were hoping to get if they could get close enough!

Well anyways, Finally after their long walk dealing with Tyson's disrespectful behavior and his constant throwing of the peanut shells they figured they'd try to get as close to the pope as possible....

They maybe took another two steps, before they were quickly stopped by Vatican security where they were told that they were already closer to the pope than the normal person's allowed!

Meanwhile Tyson's still Chomping away! And he's still throwing the peanut shells all over everywhere, as the guards now looked on with open jaws from total disbelief that he would even do something like that!

They then Yelled at Tyson to Stop what he was doing, and immediately pickup his messy peanut shell trail, All the way up the Stairs!

At that point Tyson then Started shouting, swearing and getting Loud back with the two Vatican guards....

Surprisingly at this time the pope stopped what he was doing to look on curiously. When he saw the commotion he stood up and pointed in there exact direction, he then waved with his hand with a gesturing motion to come there....

Excited....

Jackson points to himself....

The pope shakes his head No!!

So next Jordan points to himself....

The pope once again shakes No, but this time points at Tyson!

So Tyson points at himself surprised as hell... As he walked over!

Next Jordan and Jackson see the pope bend over and say something in Tysons ear... Followed by the sign of the cross blessing that they wanted!!

So as he got back to them they asked jealously How the hell did you of all people get a blessing?

Tyson then replied a blessing? That wasn't a blessing!

He told me you (Tyson) pointing "Up" pickup those ****ing peanuts pointing "Down" get your ****ing friends pointing "Left" in Jordan and Jacksons direction, and get the Hell out of here!! Pointing "Right" with a Thumb gesture as to say Beat it!!

Lmao...
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
Uh Pilot what have you done to this thread? Wasn't i OP, lol.......?
[Off-topic] Omnichron:
Two muffins were in an oven. One muffin said to the other, "It's getting hot in here." The other muffin said, "HOLY **** A TALKING MUFFIN!":D
[Off-topic] marketingmike:
You this read wrong.
[Off-topic] nickdablack:
2 fish are swimming along when suddenly one hits a wall. The other one says "Dam"
[Off-topic] coolsandie:
Jewish sex therapy

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an

orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure,

they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the

following suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man.

While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a

towel over you. That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on

an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome

young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man

make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.'

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the

same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room - shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, " See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel."
[Off-topic] Dirk:
You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with:

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.

The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his giant dog to work. Every sodding day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single bloody day.

Anyways, I drive these asshats around in my van and we solve mysteries and ****.
[Off-topic] Archer:
I do mean it when I say literally LOL.

I had no idea where that was going, and it took a couple of seconds for me to realise where it ended up.

Great :D
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Q. In which Battle did Napoleon

A. His last.

Q. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

A. At the bottom of the page.

Q. The Colorado river flows in which state?

A. Liquid.

Q. What's the main reason for divorce?

A. Marriage.

Q. If you throw a black stone in the Red Sea, what will it become?

A. Wet.

Q. How do you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. Never happen, you'll never find an elephant with one hand.

Q. How can you drop an egg onto a concrete flour without cracking it?

A. However you want, eggs can't crack concrete.
[Off-topic] :
Possibly the funniest s**t ever.
[Off-topic] PMGRANDS:
Scooby Dooby Doo! Lol...
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Q) What's green and invisible?

A) This Cabbage:

.....
[Off-topic] dexter93:
-What's green and says good morning to you every day?

-....

-the pavement!

-....... Is the pavement green?.....

-why? Does it say to you good morning?
[Off-topic] yannn007:
It´s currently -5 Kelvin in Chuck Norris house....
[Off-topic] phatmanxxl:
What's the pirates favorite smartphone?

The HTC Insparrr
[Off-topic] Omnichron:
Guess what?

What?

Poke your butt!

omg rofl!!
[Off-topic] PMGRANDS:
One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say "I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say "lettuce" and if you want to go faster say "tomatos"

So they were getting it on and she was screaming "lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos"

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

"Come On!! Could you stop making Eff'n sandwiches your getting mayonase all over me"! Lol...
[Off-topic] dexter93:
A man was in his car speeding. Suddenly he sees a female police officer chasing him with a bike and telling him to pull over. The man pulls over and the police officer parks and gets her block out to write down his plates and name for the fine. As she approaches his car he asks:

(Man)-How much?

(Officer)- 300$

(Man)- Hop in
[Off-topic] Dirk:
A man's wife is his worst enemy:

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
[Off-topic] stephj:
There was an old man from Japan,

Whose poems, just wouldn't scan,

When asked the reason why,

He'd always give the reply,

"I try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can."
[Off-topic] AndroidStyle:
Your mama is sooo fat, when she walked by TV, you missed whole movie.

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

Why do birds fly south for the winter?

Cus its too far to walk!

lol

i saw a cat

i saw a rat

the cat ate rat

the cat got fat