yashsingh1/xdaforums huggingface dataset:
[Off-topic] dmcduck:
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter; 10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping..........

---------- Post added at 10:58 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:58 AM ----------

The four stages of life:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus..

4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.

At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.

At age 50 success is . . . Having money..

At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . ... . Having friends.

At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
But then all the guys hooked their hands around the rope.
[Off-topic] Dirk:
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O’Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I’m telling everybody!"
[Off-topic] xaccers:
A farmer goes out one harsh winter morning and finds his cows all frozen solid.

He phones the vet for help.

A short while later the vet turns up with a little old lady in his land rover.

While the vet talks to the farmer, the little old lady enters the field and starts breathing into the noses of the frozen cattle, bringing them back to life.

"That's amazing, how does she do that?" asks the farmer.

The vet answers "Have you never heard of Thora Hird?"
[Off-topic] deliriousDroid:
Something only understood across the pond?

Sent from my SilverBullet 'HTCDesireZ running CM7'
[Off-topic] Dirk:
lol, yeah you could say that! :D
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!!

http://in.news.yahoo.com/revealed-a...JsZHxldXJvcGUEcHQDc2VjdGlvbnMEdGVzdAM-;_ylv=3

Not really a joke but amusing reading nonetheless.

ComeAtMeBro.jpg
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
Lol
[Off-topic] eedwin:
awesome?

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
If you guys want a good laugh here is the funniest thread ever:

http://xdaforums.com/showthread.php?t=1259483

I swear this guy is funny!
[Off-topic] supetawesomedude:
What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Whats blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint

What's green and has wheels?

Grass I lied about the wheels.
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
Gay guys always get lost.

GPS kept telling them to go straight.
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
HAHAHA!! good read for the boring night.. :D
[Off-topic] Koizuma:
Alright so you got two gay guys and two lesbians running a race. who won the race?

The lesbians, because the lesbians got there lickity split while the gay guys was still at the starting mark packing their sh!t.

Swyped from my SGH-I897 using XDA Premium App
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
Obviously you didn't watch Bruno.
[Off-topic] Tomdg07:
knock knock... whos there? boo ... boo who?

what you crying for its just a joke....

---------- Post added at 12:11 PM ---------- Previous post was at 12:07 PM ----------

So 3 fat ladys signed up for an eating contest...

What did one fat lady say to the other when the third did not show up?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

where's the chicken!!!!
[Off-topic] dmcduck:
They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The cashier rang up $46.64 charges. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour.

She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back same scenario!

I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get- one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one- get-one-free, ' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where?'

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?. When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, 'The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.' He responded, 'Is that Eastern or Pacific time?' Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, 'Uh, Pacific.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I went out to buy beer and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza place I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

They Walk Among Us

Before Sunday wine sales were legal, I tried to buy wine vinegar for a recipe on a Sunday. Nothing I said would persuade the clerk to sell me the vinegar, to her it said wine on the label so no sale.

Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us....and they Reproduce
[Off-topic] Tomdg07:
should have bought 10 cases!
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
Haha genius.
[Off-topic] Koizuma:
Lol no never have, roommate told me that one and I found it pretty funny

Swyped from my SGH-I897 using XDA Premium App
[Off-topic] xaccers:
What have Bruce Willis and Charlie Sheen got in common?

Ashton Kutcher is filling their old slot.
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
Watch it, and it will all make sense.
[Off-topic] dmcduck:
A blonde was at work one day with headphones on. Her boss came by and said, "I'm sorry, but we don't allow those here. You'll have to take them off."

A little while later, he came by and she had them on again. Once again, he told her that she had to take them off.

The next time he went by her desk, he found her on the floor, dead. Curious, he picked up the headphones and listened. This is what he heard: "Breathe in... breathe out. Breathe in...breathe out."
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Two blondes were walking through the forest and they came upon a set of tracks. They began to argue about what animal had left the tracks. Ten minutes later, they were hit by a train.
[Off-topic] iynfynity:
HAHAHAHA!! I love it when you post jokes. xD
[Off-topic] Archer:
My mate called me the other day and asked, "So, what you doing right now?" I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
[Off-topic] MadManMoon:
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel lashed to his crotch. The bartender asks, "What the heck is that for?"

The pirate replies, "Arrrr! It's driving me nuts!"
[Off-topic] :
One day a big group of blondes met in New York to show the world that blondes aren't dumb.

They begged: "Ask any of us any question, and we will show you that we're not dumb."

The group caught the attention of a passer by, who volunteered to ask them some questions. He climbed up on a car and randomly picked a blonde out of the crowd.

She got up on the car too and the man asked: "What is the first month of the year?"

The blonde responded: "November?"

"Nope," said the man. At this point the crowd began to chant, "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

So the man asked: "What is the capital of the U.S.A ?"

The blonde responded: "Paris?"

So the crowd began chanting again: "Give her another chance, give her another chance."

The man said: "Okay, but this is the last one. What is one plus one?"

The blonde replied: "Two?"

“Give her another chance, Give her another chance." screamed the crowd.

---------- Post added at 06:36 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:35 AM ----------

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?

A: Toes Go In First.
[Off-topic] Omnichron:
A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

:D

​
[Off-topic] dmcduck:
Three nuns died and went to heaven. They were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who explained to them that they each had to answer a question in order to gain admittance. "Are you prepared for that?" he asked.

They said they were, and so St. Peter turned to the first nun and said, "Who was the first man?"

"Gee, that's an easy one," she replied. "Adam was the first man." The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open, and she walked into heaven.

St. Peter turned to the second nun and asked, "Who was the first woman?"

"Gee, that's an easy one," she replied. "Eve was the first woman." The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open, and she walked into heaven.

St. Peter turned to the third nun and asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

"Gee, that's a hard one," she said. The trumpets blared, the angels sang, the gates swung open...
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
LOL
[Off-topic] ThinksAmoral:
I met the grim reaper with a vacuum cleaner today.

It was Dyson with death!
[Off-topic] chester04:
nice... ^_^
[Off-topic] Archer:
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”
[Off-topic] gpzeroone:
The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

The professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."
[Off-topic] dmcduck:
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a th*t."
[Off-topic] Dirk:
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew came in and began building a house on the empty lot. The family's 5-year-old daughter became interested in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they took coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, the men presented her with a pay envelope which contained £2.00. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration, and suggested that they take the money she received to the bank to start a savings account.

When they talked to the bank teller, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had earned her very own pay cheque at such a young age. The child proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the ****in' bricks..."
[Off-topic] Tomdg07:
I would tell a "yo momma" joke, but the thing about "yo momma" jokes is they are all old and used up...

LIKE YO MOMMA!
[Off-topic] :
In a survey, 9 out of 10 men preferred beautiful and clever women. THe other preferred the 9 men :P
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
LOL

100 chra
[Off-topic] sakai4eva:
ZOMGWTFBBQ!!!!one!!!eleven!!1

I was this close >< to landing jail!

I guess Monopoly has gotten intense over the years.
[Off-topic] Archer:
What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man.
[Off-topic] kooh pal:
Patient: Doctor, i only have 55 short seconds to live..

Doctor: Okay, I'll be with you in a minute...

:eek:

Girl: Do you know, married men live longer than single man do?

Boy: Do you know married men are a lot more willing to die!

:D

Girl: Do you believe in puppy love?

Boy: I tried it once, but their assholes are too small.

:eek:

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

:D

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.

Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!

Wife: You wear shorts!

:eek:

Want to hear two short jokes and a long joke?

--Joke. Joke. Joooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke.
[Off-topic] bmeyer40:
Nice.
[Off-topic] BicolXpress:
A jewish kid asked his dad for fifty dollars. The dad replies, forty dollars! What are you gonna do with thirty dollars!
[Off-topic] Dirk:
Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.

That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual.

...............................................

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude : What the hell is that?

Mable : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude : Where did you get it?

Mable : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles off to the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely, (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

..............................................

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a

German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New

Englander, and a Californian)an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a

Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New

Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a

Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a

Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a

Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a

Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a

Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a

Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a

Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a

Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an

Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a

Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an

Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a

Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa

Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a

Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine

restaurant....

"I'm sorry," said the maître d'...

"You can't eat in here without a Thai..."

..................................................

So the barman says "We don't serve faster than light particles in here"

A neutrino walks into a bar.
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
Funniest vid ever in my sig lololol can't stop laughing

You can interact with video
[Off-topic] Dirk:
That was genius! Apparently i lose, well according to Gene Wilder! :D
[Off-topic] Prodigy:
You can start again lol, nyan cat vs Rebecca black on first video!

You don lose, start again lol
[Off-topic] qaz2453:
IPhone 4s........ the best Joke ever :) or lame lol
[Off-topic] mkropf:
No more jokes? Come on :)
[Off-topic] zanderman112:
Siri.

10char
[Off-topic] jaszek:
What did one blackberry say to the other?

Nothing, their service is down.
[Off-topic] kooh pal:
Voice at a party...

"All married guys please stand next to the one special person who made your life worth living."

The very next moment...

The bartender was almost crushed.
[Off-topic] xaccers:
There once was a woman walking through the woods, who came across two snakes who seemed very sad...well, as sad as snakes can seem. Just work with me here.

So the woman asked the snakes "What's wrong? Why are you so sad?"

And the snakes said "We're sad because we can't have any children."

"Why not?" asked the woman.

"Because we're adders, and we can't multiply."

~

The same woman returned to the woods several months later, and came across the same two snakes...who had several baby snakes with them. So the woman asked "Hey! That's great, you have children! But how? I thought you were adders?"

And the snakes replied:

"We are, but a nice park ranger came by and built us a log table. Now we can multiply by adding!"
[Off-topic] :
A priest, a rabbi and a minister were sitting in the woods on a camping trip. They got into a deep philosophical argument over whose God was real, whose religion was right, and which one held the most historical truth.

They decided to settle it with a test of power from God. They were each going to go into the woods, find a wild animal, and use the power of God to give it intellect, then convert it to their religion.

They each went into the woods, and returned three days later.

The priest stands up first and says "I'll start. I went down by the river, and encountered a grizzly bear. I read to it from the catechism, sprinkled it with holy water, and the bear stood up and confessed. It's coming to it's first communion next week."

The minister stands up and says "That's nothing! I went down to the river, met a bear and through the power of the Holy Spirit the bear stood up and began speaking in tongues! It's coming with it's whole family before the church board next week to become members of our congregation."

The priest and the minister look over at the rabbi who's in a full body cast and state "Rabbi. What happened to you?"

With a forlorn face the rabbi replies, "Maybe I should not have started with the circumcision."

~Jasecloud4
[Off-topic] xaccers:
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines

one year ago, you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased£1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British eh!!!
[Off-topic] Dirk:
^^ Brilliant. I'm fuel efficient! :D
[Off-topic] xaccers:
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a ittle Japanese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder,

"You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Japanese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,

"You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Japanese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,

"You sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?

You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little Japanese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(It's a beauty)...

(wait for it)...

(Get your best Japanese accent ready)......

"You not Nissan Main Deala?"