SHE HOLDS UP A HUGE
PAIR OF SLACKS.

HOLDS THE SHIRT JP
WITHOUT REVEALING
MISSING SLEEVE

HOLDS UP THE SHIRT ON
THE LINE REVEALING ITS
DEFECT. WALKS OVER TO
ROBIN WHO IS ABSENTLY
DAWDLING..

JEAN: (CONT)

The first week we were married he wanted to help, and while I was out he washed the windows, scrubbed the floors, polished the furniture--it was silly--we were staying at the Waldorf-Astoria.

Did you ever see slacks this size--44--I don't mind ironing them--what bothers me is lifting them.

I'll say this for my husband though. He's a careful shopper when it comes to bargains. This shirt for instance--pure silk and he only paid a dollar for it. He told me it had a slight imperfection--slight imperfection, one sleeve's missing.

Robin, you better hurry up. You have only ten minutes to finish your lunch and get back to school.

ROBIN:

I'm finished Mommy.

JEAN:

Did you drink your milk?

ROBIN:

Oh, Mommy, I don't like milk.

-2-

**JEAN:**

Robin, milk is good for you. It'll make you
grow up to be tall and beautiful.

**ROBIN:**

I know somebody who drinks milk every day
and she isn't tall and beautiful.

**JEAN:**

Who's that?

**ROBIN:**

My friend's cat.

**JEAN:**

Yes, but it gave her a nice shiny coat of
fur.

**ROBIN:**

Mommy, I'm happy the way I am.

**JEAN:**

Now Robin, don't be difficult. Here's your
milk.

Now just drink it down one, two, three..

POURS A GLASS OF MILK
FROM A THREE-QUARTER
FILLED BOTTLE ON THE
TABLE.

ROBIN PICKS UP THE GLASS
OF MILK AND PUTS IT TO
HER LIPS--AS JEAN TAKES
DISHES TO SINK..KID
STEALTHILY POURS MILK
BACK INTO BOTTLE..AND GETS
THE EMPTY GLASS BACK TO HER
LIPS JUST AS JEAN RETURNS..
TAKES EMPTY GLASS FROM HER
AND PATS HER ON THE HEAD

(MORE)

-3-

**JEAN:**

She thinks she's fooling me--if I didn't
watch her so carefully--she'd never wear that
scarf!

One o'clock and I'm exhausted. Let's see
what I have to do yet. Clean up the
apartment, dust the furniture, wash the
dishes, do the shopping and pick up Robin
at school then come home and start making
dinner---set the table---then my husband
comes home and I have nothing to do for the
rest of the evening but wait on him hand and
foot!

PICKS UP A FEATHER
DUSTER

AND STARTS DUSTING THE
FURNITURE... COMES TO THE
RADIO...

SHE SWITCHES IT ON... AND
SITS DOWN RIGHT NEXT TO
THE RADIO WHICH IS ON
AN END TABLE NEAR COUCH.

Well, back to work...

At least I can listen to the radio while I'm
working..

**WEEPY FEMALE VOICE:**

(VERY DRAMATIC) Oh, John, John, I can't go
on this way. You hate me and you hate the
children. Six lovely children and you hate
them--just because they're from my first
marriage!

JEAN SWITCHES STATIONS.

**JEAN:**

Oh, no, there must be something else on.

-5-

### ANOTHER WEEPY FEMALE VOICE:

Oh, Phillip, Phillip, I know I have my
little faults. I drink too much; I gamble;
I've gained forty pounds. I don't take care
of the house and children, and you've been
supporting my parents for ten years--but
Phillip--why don't you love me any more?

### JEAN:

SWITCHES THE KNOB AGAIN.

I know that program--that Phillip is such a
heel!...There must be something else.

### THIRD WEEPY VOICE:

Oh, Michael, Michael, somehow I sense you're
not the same sweet loveable man I married,
Michael, you've changed somehow (ALARMED)
Michael, put down that gun.

### JEAN:

TURNS THE KNOB AGAIN.

He has changed--last week it was an axe.
Well, I'll try once more..

### SYRUPY SOAP OPERA ANNCR:

When we left the Johnson family yesterday
all was not well. Grandfather Johnson had
just lost his job at the factory after 73
years! And Grandmother Johnson had broken
her leg roller-skating. And as for their son
Anthony, well, Anthony's corns have been
acting up again following his brain-operation
--forcing his wife, Pamela to take a job to
provide her family with the bare necessities-
medicine, bandages and crutches!

-6-

**JEAN:**

That's my favorite program--Life Can Be
Ecstacy!

**ANNCR:**

And now on with our story...

**WEEPY FEMALE VOICE:**

JEAN LISTENING TO
PROGRAM..DABBING A TEAR
FROM HER EYE..

Oh, Anthony, Anthony...

(FADE TO ORGAN MUSIC - TO TRANSITION MUSIC)

**SOAP OPERA ANNCR:**

Is Pamela really in love with her new boss?
Will Anthony come out of his coma in time
to prevent the bank from foreclosing the
mortgage? Will Grandma Johnson ever roller-
skate again? Tune in tomorrow to another
chapter of "Life Can.."

JEAN TURNS OFF THE RADIO

**JEAN:**

SNIFFS..DABS TEAR..

BLOWS NOSE IN HANKY..

LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM..

PICKS UP NEWSPAPERS
FROM FLOOR..ALSO A PAIR
OF SHOES..PULLS A NECKTIE
BEHIND A THROW-PILLOW,
AND A MAN'S HAT ON FLOOR
BEHIND SOFA..STANDS UP
WITH THE ARMFULL

Such trash--what kind of people listen to
these programs?

I've just got to get this room straightened
out...

That man of mine...when is he going to
learn to put things away where they belong?

GOES TO CLOSET AND SHOVES
THE WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF
IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR
WITH A LITTLE DIFFICULTY
AS THE CLOSET IS ALREADY
JAMMED..

(MORE)

-7-

### JEAN:

GETS THE VACUUM CLEANER

...Get this out of the way...

SHOVES IT INTO CLOSET
AND CLOSES DOOR WITH
EVEN MORE DIFFICULTY..

SHE PICKS UP MAGAZINES
AND ASH TRAY FROM THE
FLOOR AND SETS THEM ON
COFFEE TABLE NEATLY..
PICKS CIGAR BUTT OUT
OF ASH TRAY..

And those cigars he smokes.. poo...he's the
only man in America who still knows where to
buy a five cent cigar...

STRAIGHTENS THE PILLOWS
OUT OF COUCH AND EASY
CHAIR...

His favorite chair...the way he sinks into
this at night you'd think it was quicksand...

SHE SURVEYS HER WORK WITH
SATISFACTION..

Well, now it looks like a home again...

THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND
HER HUSBAND COMES IN..
SHE LEAPS UP...

Herbie...what are you doing home in the
middle of the day...?

### HERBIE:

HE LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM

Look dear, I haven't got time to explain
...I forgot something...and I've got a
client waiting downstairs in the car...

HE PUSHES ASIDE THE
MAGAZINES AND ASH TRAY
THEY FALL ON THE FLOOR..

### JEAN:

Herbie...what are you looking for? Maybe
I can help you?

### HERBIE:

Jean...I'm in a hurry...I must have left it
somewhere around here..Not there either...

HE TOSSES THE PILLOWS
OFF THE COUCH..SHAKES
HIS HEAD...

-8-

JEAN:

For the last time---what are you looking for?

HERBIE:

I'm looking for my briefcase.

JEAN:

It's over there by the door.

HERBIE:

Why didn't you say so in the first place?

I'll see you later Jean.

HE PICKS IT UP..LOOKS INTO IT..SHAKES HEAD IT'S OKAY..

GOES OUT..SLAMMING THE DOOR WHICH SPRINGS THE CLOSET DOOR OPEN CASCADING EVERYTHING ONTO THE FLOOR..JEAN STANDS NEAR CLOSET SHRUGS IN DESPAIR

JEAN:

There he goes---the case against marriage!
Well, I'm not going to get mad about this
because he promised to take me to the movies
tonight--and believe me this is an occasion..
I don't even care about 3-D--I'm just
anxious to see what Talkies are like.
Oops...it's time to pick Robin up at school..
Just wait till you hear some of those

GLANCES AT HER WATCH..

TRANSITION - MUSIC

mothers!

GO THROUGH DOORWAY WITH SIGN OVER IT THAT SAYS "P.S. 17"...PICK UP FIRST TWO WOMEN IN WAITING ROOM

FIRST WOMAN:

You know my little Gerald is following in his father's footsteps.

-9-

**SECOND WOMAN:**

Really?

**FIRST WOMAN:**

Oh, yes, my husband's education was very carefully planned by his parents. first four years in Harvard...then a course at Yale Law School...then four years abroad at Oxford for his PHD...

**SECOND WOMAN:**

How did it all work out?

**FIRST WOMAN:**

Not too well--he couldn't get through high school.

**THIRD WOMAN:**

You know that Mrs. Horton, the one who has a little girl she's always fussing with?

**FOURTH WOMAN:**

(WARMLY) Yes.

**THIRD WOMAN:**

How proud she is of that little girl... always curling her hair, and dressing her in silks and ribbons.

**FOURTH WOMAN:**

(WARMER) Yes.

-10-

**THIRD WOMAN:**

Have you ever seen a homelier child.

**FOURTH WOMAN:**

Never.

**THIRD WOMAN:**

Well, would you believe it, Mrs. Horton
had the nerve to enter that poor little
thing in the Charming Child Contest. Can
you imagine that kid with her squinty eyes,
and big mouth and stringy hair in a
Charming Child Contest. Isn't that
ridiculous...

(THEY BOTH LAUGH IT UP AND CUT OFF
LAUGH FOR)

(COLD) She won first prize!

CUT TO JEAN WHO IS JUST
ENTERING

**JEAN:**

Here I am...Stalag 17 (CALLS OUT) Hello
girls!

**ALL WOMEN:**

Hello Jean...

THE FOUR WOMEN ARE
SEATED ON A BENCH..
JEAN GOES OVER..

**JEAN:**

Well, I guess I'll sit down and wait...

SHE LOOKS FOR A PLACE TO
SIT DOWN AND FINALLY
DISCOVERS THAT THE ONLY
EMPTY SPACE IS TAKEN UP
BY A SHOPPING BAG...SHE
LOOKS AT THE WOMAN NEAR
THE BAG...

Is this your package...?

-11-

WOMAN LOOKS UP FROM HER
MAGAZINE
RETURNS TO MAGAZINE..

JEAN LOOKS AT AUDIENCE
THEN AT WOMAN...

SHE PICKS UP THE EGGS..
AND JEAN SITS DOWN..
JEAN LOOKS AT THE WOMAN
AT BOTH SIDES OF HER..
THEY ARE ALL STARING
ABSENTLY INTO SPACE..
PULL BACK FOR WIDE
PICTURE THEN BACK TO
JEAN..

AFTER THIS LINE TWO
KIDS COME OUT...AND TWO
OF THE WOMEN GET UP
AND EACH GOES TO A
CHILD...

THE FOUR EXIT...THE
WOMAN TO THE RIGHT OF
JEAN NUDGES JEAN

**WOMAN:**
Yes, I bought a dozen eggs...

**JEAN:**
Well, do you want to pick them up or shall
I hatch them for you?

**WOMAN:**

Oh..

**JEAN:**
Did you ever see a lineup like this outside
of a police-station?

**MOTHERS AND CHILDREN AD LIB:**
Hello mother...Well, it's about time...come on...lets go home...yes mother..

**WOMAN:**
You're Robin's mother aren't you?

**JEAN:**
Yes--do you know her?

**WOMAN:**
Yes, she's in my child's class--have you ever
met my Ronald? Oh, he's so talented--he sings
he dances, tells jokes...

-12-

JEAN DOES A SLOW BURN AS
THE WOMAN KEEPS TALKING

**JEAN:**

My Robin is taking tap dancing lessons.

**WOMAN:**

That's good -- it will help her get over
her awkwardness.

Oh, my little Ronald is so busy. He not
only goes to school, but at 3:30 he takes
a singing lesson, at 4:30 he takes a
dancing lesson; 5:30 he takes dramatic
lessons--but knock wood--with it all he's
a normal well-adjusted little boy--his
psychiatrist says so.

**JEAN:**

A little boy like that goes to a
psychiatrist?

**WOMAN:**

Yes, isn't it the cutest thing you ever
heard--everything his father does he wants to do....That child of mine is so clever.. you should hear the way he tells jokes--he's another Milton Berle.

**JEAN:**

Oh, just what the world needs.

**WOMAN:**

Tell me, does your little girl do
anything?

-13-

**JEAN:**

Just an awkward tap-dance.

**WOMAN:**

You see, my little Ronald is just following in the theatrical tradition of his family.

**JEAN:**

(BORED) Is that a fact?

**WOMAN:**

Oh, yes, my husband was a runner-up on a Major Bowes program. But he gave up a very promising career to join a business venture.

**JEAN:**

Well, who could blame him--it isn't every day a man gets a job in a butcher shop.

**WOMAN:**

That's right...

Oh, here's my Ronald now...

Ronald...show the nice lady your impersonation of Milton Berle.

**KID:**

(A LA BERLE) I kiyoo a miyun times...

**WOMAN:**

Let's go now dear...

SEES HER KID COMING

HE IS WEARING A LORD FAUNTELROY...

-14-

KID FOLLOWS HIS MOTHER
WALKING ON HIS ANKLES
LIKE BERLE...

HALF DRAGS HIM OUT...

POINTS TO WOMAN STILL ON
BENCH...

POINTS TO WOMAN

**KID:**

I know you're out there--I can hear you
breathing...

**WOMAN:**

That's enough Ronald!!!

**JEAN:**

You think little Ronald's a problem --
you should meet her little boy--you know
I always say no child is really bad--but
he's not a child--he's a monster.

**JEAN:**

What can I tell you about him. He's the
only kid in the neighborhood with an
autographed picture of Willie Sutton.

And nothing is done to correct his
behaviour because his mother's a bug on
child psychology...anything he does is
all right...According to her when he tried
to set fire to the principal--he wasn't
vicious--he was just expressing himself.

There are two schools of thought in the
neighborhood what to do about the kid--
one school says beat his brains out...the
other school says beat her brains out...

(MORE)

-15-

MOVES OVER NEAR WOMAN

JEAN: (CONT)

And you can't make her understand because
she's not too bright...one woman told her
that her son was growing up to be a
barbarian and she said, "No son of mine
is going to cut hair for a living."

Hello Mrs. Walsh...

MRS. WALSH:

Hello there...

JEAN:

How does your little boy Joey like the
school?

MRS. WALSH:

Not too well...compared to my Joseph most
of the children here are retarded in
their psychological development. I've
been thinking of sending him to a private
school on the Hudson.

JEAN:

Sing Sing?

MRS. WALSH:

I forget the name off-hand... His artistic
nature needs guidance--you should see the
beautiful mural he fingerpainted - it's
just a shame he wasted it on my neighbor's
living room wall.

(MORE)

-16-

MRS. WALSH: (CONT)

He's so inventive too. Last week he tried
to play my sister's piano, and he wasn't
tall enough---and what do you think he
did?

JEAN:

Sawed the legs off the piano.

MRS. WALSH:

That's right...but let me tell you these
teachers here just don't understand modern
child psychology. Do you know that one
of them actually hit Joseph on the back
of the hand with a ruler --

JEAN:

Did it hurt him?

(ALMOST HAPPY)

MRS. WALSH:

No--but it put a dent in his brass
knuckles.

JEAN:

What did he do to get punished?

MRS. WALSH:

Nothing, he was just clapping two erasers
together and some stupid child put her
head in between them...

-17-

JEAN LOOKS OFF TO ONE SIDE

MALE TEACHER WHO HAS ONE
PANTS LEG TORN ... HAIR
WILD... COLLAR TORN OPEN...
TIE ASKEW... HE IS LEADING
A LITTLE SQUIRMING BOY
BY THE EAR... TAKES HIM
TO MRS. WALSH...

JEAN:

Mrs. Walsh, I think that's your sensitive
boy coming now...

SHE TAKES THE KID

HE STARTS LEAVING
SHE TUGS HIS ARM...

HE EXITS ... AND THEY
EXIT THE OTHER DIRECTIONS

AFTER THEY LEAVE ROBIN
COMES IN...

THEY EXIT...

TEACHER:

(IN FRANKLYN PANGBORN VOICE) Mrs. Walsh--
here is your child.

MRS. WALSH:

Oh, I hope he wasn't too much trouble.

TEACHER:

Oh, no, I always come to school looking
this way.

MRS. WALSH:

Oh, Mr. Smith, what kind of marks do you
think Joseph will get this term?

TEACHER:

If it's up to me they'll be black and
blue. Good day.

ROBIN:

Hello Mommy...

JEAN:

Hello Honey... am I glad to see you--let's
go home....

-18-

JEAN IS IN THE DINETTE
SITTING AT THE TABLE
WITH HER HUSBAND...HE
WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH
NAPKIN AND PUSHES BACK
CHAIR AND STANDS UP
PATTING HIS STOMACH...

**ALAN:**

Whew...what a meal!

**JEAN:**

Like it dear?

**ALAN:**

Like it? I ate too much again. One of
these days I'm going to blow up.

**JEAN:**

If you blow up anymore we'll have to get
a bigger apartment.

**ALAN:**

Yeah, yeah, I know...

**JEAN:**

I'm only kidding you...now why don't you
waddle into the living room and relax.

**ALAN:**

Now, Jean, you know as well as I do that
a man as active as I am is supposed to
eat 2500 calories a day.

-19-

### JEAN:

That's right---calories *not* pounds. Look, dear, now go into the living room... there's a little girl in there...she's your daughter...this is the only chance she gets to see you--so get acquainted with her...

### ALAN:

Okay dear...

HE STARTS GOING...AND SHE STARTS IN OPPOSITE DIRECTION...HE PAUSES, REACHES BACK TO TABLE FOR PIECE OF FRUIT WITHOUT LOOKING...AND SHE WITHOUT LOOKING STOPS ALSO AND SLAPS HIS HAND...HE SHRUGS AND SHEEPISHLY GOES INTO LIVING ROOM AND SHE PICKS UP DISHES...TAKES THEM TO SINK...COMES BACK TO TABLE...FACES CAMERA

### JEAN:

One thing about my husband, he likes to be comfortable when he eats. He takes off his jacket, loosens his tie, rolls up his sleeves, kicks his shoes off and digs in---we've been thrown out of more restaurants! ...

And I'm always trying to teach him etiquette. I must've told him 100 times, "Herbie, don't eat with your hands--use your shovel!"

(MORE)

-20-

JEAN: (CONT)

Well, I gotta change my dress. He's
taking me to the movies tonight, unless he
suddenly decides to get sick. Last
time we were all ready to leave when he
sat down and figured out what it cost.
Said "Sixty cents an hour for the baby-
sitter, for four hours came to $2.40;
sixty cents carfare makes it three dollars
..the tickets for the movie are a dollar
a piece brings it to five dollars--we do
it every week it comes to $250.00 a year
in ten years," he said, "it adds up to
$2500.00---and to me no picture is worth
$2500.00."

CAMERA PANS TO LIVING ROOM HE IS IN THE EASY CHAIR..LOOKS OVER AT THE KID..SITTING ON THE COUCH...HE PUTS DOWN HIS PAPER...

ALAN:

Robin.

ROBIN:

Yes Daddy...

ALAN:

You know honey, we haven't had a heart
to heart talk in a long time. Why don't
you come over here and sit on my lap?

-21-

SHE COMES OVER...

ROBIN:

Okay Daddy...

Are you sure I'm not too heavy for you
Daddy?

ALAN:

Don't be silly, honey...

SHE LEAPS INTO HIS LAP...
AND HE GRUNTS...

ROBIN:

Okay Daddy... here I come...

THEY HAVE A LITTLE BIT
OF A STRUGGLE GETTING
COMFORTABLE... FINALLY
THEY GET AWKWARDLY SET...

ALAN:

Oof...

There we are (LOOSENS COLLAR)....

Now... How's Daddy's little girl?

ROBIN:

Fine, Daddy...

ALAN:

That's good (LONG PAUSE) Well (LAUGH)

How's Daddy's little... How old are you
now darling?

ROBIN:

(ARCHLY) I'm 24.

ALAN:

My but you're big for your age (TAKE)

Now stop that...

-22-

CUT TO JEAN...

JEAN COMES IN...WALKS
OVER TO THEM...HIS HEAD
IS BACK...HE IS SNORING
...THE KID IS STILL IN
HIS LAP...

THE KID GETS OFF HIS LAP
HE STAYS ASLEEP...SHE
TAKES CHILD'S PLACE IN
HIS LAP...

HALF OPENS HIS EYES
AND LOOKS RIGHT INTO
JEAN'S FACE

JEAN AND THE KID LAUGH...

JEAN GETS OFF HIS LAP...
SHE STRAIGHTENS OUT HER
DRESS...

JEAN:

Well, I wonder how father and daughter
are getting along.

JEAN:

What happened here?

ROBIN:

I was telling him that for Christmas I
wanted a bicycle that cost $20 and he
fell asleep.

JEAN:

He didn't fall asleep--he fainted.

(StagWhisper) Get off there Robin...

I'll surprise him...

(Baby Voice) Daddy...wake up...wake up.

ALAN:

(Groggy) Huh...eh...(Sleepily) oh...

You know Robin...you're getting to look
more like your mother every day...

(Sheepish) I fell asleep...

JEAN:

Come on Herbie...get up and put your
jacket on...we're going out tonight,
remember? ... the baby sitter will be
here any minute...

-24-

**ALAN:**

Put my jacket on? Where are we going?

**JEAN:**

You promised to take me to the movies.

**ALAN:**

Jean, we go to the movies too often --
we're going to get eye-strain...why don't
you stay home and watch television?

**JEAN:**

(SWEETLY) May I?

**ALAN:**

Look how expensive a movie is...sixty
cents an hour for four hours comes to...

**JEAN:**

Save your breath--it comes to twenty-
five hundred dollars! (ANGRY) You're
taking me to the movies tonight so on
your feet and into your jacket...

**ALAN:**

Now Jean please...how many times do I
have to tell you it's wrong to argue in
front of the child.

**JEAN:**

You're right--Robin leave the room.

LOOKS AT KID

-25-

**ALAN:**

(INDICATES STOMACH) I got a sharp pain
right here...

**JEAN:**

A sharp pain... maybe you swallowed a
fork at dinner...

**ALAN:**

Jean I'm not kidding right in here...

**JEAN:**

How far in? Two feet? Three feet?

TOUCHES HIS STOMACH

**ALAN:**

Go on make jokes--you'll feel sorry when
I fall to the floor in a faint.

**JEAN:**

Who'll feel sorry--I always wanted a
sunken living room.

**ALAN:**

Oh, I've gotta lie down... (GROANS)

STUMBLES OVER AND
STRETCHES OUT ON THE
COUCH...THE KID COMES
IN AND STANDS WITH JEAN
AND AFTER HE GROANS AGAIN
JEAN SAYS...

**JEAN:**

Well, Robin, don't just stand there--
call the ASPCA...

**ALAN:**

Jean... stop kidding... the way I feel I
don't think I'm going to last the night.

-27-

**ROBIN:**

(STARTS CRYING)

**JEAN:**

See what you did...you frightened the
child... (TO THE KID) What's the matter
honey?

**ROBIN:**

He said he's not going to last the night
---and he promised me a bike for
Christmas...

**JEAN:**

Honey, don't worry, there's nothing wrong
with your Daddy...

**ALAN:**

Jean there is. (SMALL GROAN)

**JEAN:**

There is. Alright Herbie, you don't
have to take me to the movies--I'm
sending for the doctor--and night calls
are ten dollars!

**ALAN:**

(LOUD GROAN)

**JEAN:**

Robin, I want you to go downstairs and get
Dr. Walters, and also tell Mrs. James she
doesn't have to baby-sit tonight,

-28-

**DOCTOR:**

What does he think he has this time...

Triple Pneumonia?

**JEAN:**

No, appendicitis.

**DOCTOR:**

Well, could be worse--last time it was
Bubonic Plague...Well, let's see what we
have here.

No fever... (FEELS AROUND) No
appendicitis there...sit up please...

Stick out your tongue...(LOOKS AT IT)

Uhuh....

You can put that back in now...Now we'll
have a look at this...

REMOVES THE THERMOMETER
LOOKS AT IT...

ALAN SITS UP...

LOOKS INTO HIS EYES...

HE LISTENS TO HIS CHEST
...TAPS IT A COUPLE OF
TIMES...RETURNS TO ALAN'S
HEAD...SEES THE TONGUE
STILL OUT...

TAKES GADGET FROM BAG
AND PEERS INTO HIS EAR...

**ALAN:**

What do you see?

**JEAN:**

Your other ear...Now be quiet and let
the doctor examine you.

**DOCTOR:**

Now just stand up a moment...that's the
fellow...Now just bend down and touch
your toes...

-30-

**JEAN:**

Touch them--he can't even see them!

**DOCTOR:**

ALAN BENDS DOWN...
STANDS UP

Well, let him try anyway...

Now do you feel any pain anywhere?

**ALAN:**

No pain doctor...but my stomach is kind
of...of...

**DOCTOR:**

Did you have a big dinner tonight?

**ALAN:**

Big dinner? Tonight? (STARTS SHAKING
HEAD NO UNTIL HIS GAZE MEETS JEAN'S AND
HE SAYS) Yesss....

-31-

**JEAN:**

And a big lunch and a big breakfast.

**DOCTOR:**

PUTS A STETHOSCOPE TO
ALLEN'S CHEST..
FOLDS IT UP...

Well, let me listen to one more thing
Uh uh...uhu...

ALLEN BEGINS TO LOOK
WORRIED...HE STRAINS
TO HEAR..THEY GO TO
ONE SIDE...

Mrs. Carroll..can I speak to you over
here for a moment..Mrs. Carroll..I can't
find a thing wrong with him. If you'll
pardon the expression..he's as healthy
as a horse.

HE HAS BEEN STARING
A LITTLE SCARED BY
THE EXCHANGE OF
CONFIDENCES..HE
THINKS THE WORST..

**JEAN:**

Just as I thought..he put on a sick act
just to get out of taking me to the
movies tonight.

**DOCTOR:**

You think we should throw a little scare
into him..

**JEAN:** (VOICE UP)

THEY START WALKING BACK
AND THEY RAISE THEIR
VOICES..

It would help..Are you sure doctor. Six
months?

**DOCTOR:**

Well, it's hard to tell..it may be a
year and then again..(SNAPS FINGERS) foof!

ALAN REACTS IN FRIGHT
TO THE SNAP OF FINGERS

**JEAN:**

Isn't there anything we can do?

-32-

**DOCTOR:**

Well, be nice to him..

PACKS HIS DOCTOR KIT

**JEAN:**

Herbie..the doctors going..will you please
pay him?

**ALAN:**

How much is that doctor? Five dollars?

**DOCTOR:**

No..house calls are ten..dollars.

**ALAN:**

Well, can I send you a check..

**DOCTOR:**

Under the circumstances..I better take
cash.

**ALAN:** (GULPS)

Yes, doctor..

HE PAYS HIM
THE DOCTOR STARTS
LEAVING.

**DOCTOR:**

Goodnight Mrs. Carroll....

HE EXITS..

Goodbye Mr. Carroll...

**ALAN:**

Jean..I have a confession to make..I didn't
really feel sick tonight..I just didn't
feel like going to the movies..but I'll
make it up to you..

-33-

(MORE)

**ALAN:** (CONT)

I'll take you to the movies every night for
the next...six months ...then again
(SNAPS FINGERS) maybe foof!

**JEAN:**

Oh, this is too much (BREAKS OUT
LAUGHING)

**ALAN:**

What are you laughing about?

**JEAN:**

Oh, you big dope..there's not a thing
wrong with you.

**ALAN:**

But the doctor said..

**JEAN:**

Oh, that was just a joke I cooked up with
the doctor..just to get even with you..

**ALAN:**

Then there's nothing wrong with me?

**JEAN:**

Not a thing...

**ROBIN:**

Mommy I'm home.

THE KID COMES
RUNNING IN.

-34-

DOES A COUPLE OF SIDE
KICKS THE FIRST ONE
SUCCESSFULLY AND THE
SECOND ONE HE LANDS
ON HIS PRATT...
HE SITS UP..

**ALAN:**

Boy what a relief.. I feel pretty chipper..

**ALAN:**

(GROANS) .. Jean.. I think the leg is gone..
the hip is broken.. (GROAN)

**JEAN:**

Don't worry Herbie.. you've got plenty of
padding.. Come on Robin, help me get Fred
Astaire into bed... Good night everybody...
see you next week.....

(PLAYOFF...)

aek/1j
10/30/53
10:35 pm

-35-