Page 75

Do you think she will quietly write you an apology, and never mention a thing to her girl friends? Why, she'll get every girl in town in her confidence; tell each one privately and make each one promise not to tell the others who already know anyway - because Sarah will tell all of them the big scoop on how Peter Cross, that brain who wears glasses, wrote her a phony, mushy love-letter."

"I can't believe that, Roland."

"I knew you wouldn't."

"Thanks anyway. I'll see you on the bus in a little while."

"No, I'm staying home today. My grandmother's coming at noon from Minnesota. 'Bye."

"I wish you'd come to school at least until lunch, Roland."

"I can't. Beside, why do you care?"

"I guess just someone to ride with me on the bus."

"You can sit with good old Ralph."

"How was your hike with him yesterday?"

"What hike?"

"Didn't you go with him up to Swan Lake?"

"Swan Lake? No, Who told you that?"

"Ralph."

"That's funny, Why would he say something like that?"

"He's jealous."

"Good God, Pete, jealous of what?"

"My being friends with you."

"Come off it."

"I knew you wouldn't believe that, Roland. 'Bye."

"Well,...but - O.K.; good-bye."

Page 76

Peter glanced at the clock and saw there was a little time
before he had to leave for his bus. He snapped off the record
player, picked up his books and the letter to Sarah, folded a page
of poetry into his pocket, and ambled into his mother's room.

" Did I tell you about the mongoloid we had in clinic
yesterday? " Mrs. Cross asked cheerily.

" No, I don't believe you did. No. "

" You don't sound happy anymore. What happened? "

" Oh, nothing. "

" Who were you talking to? "

" Roland. "

" What did he say to upset you. "

" He said nothing. But his father was furious at me
for waking him. "

" And you let something like that bother you. Who is
that letter to? "

" No one you know. "

" No one I know? Who are you writing to then? "

" Oh, the letter. Oh, that's to Dad. I've got to run.

'Bye.'

" Kiss me goodbye. Why didn't you read me the letter to
your father? You do most of the time. "

" I'm never going to read my letters to anyone again. "

" And what does that mean? "

" Nothing. Goodbye. "

" Have a good day at school. Do your best. "

Peter frowned at his mother's words as he hurried down
the stairs to the lower landing.

On the bus Peter sat up in front with the girls and talked

Page 77

to two of them. When they passed Roland's corner, Peter looked
for his friend, but he saw there only two noisy, gum-chewing girls
who clattered on the bus, gabbing loudly.

After awhile the girls stopped talking to Peter. He
could see the boys in the back of the bus pointing at him because
he was sitting up with the girls, yet he still sat where he was.
At last Ralph Darling got on, wearing low waisted, sausage skin
blue jeans and a plaid sport shirt. When he saw Peter, he said
loudly, " Cross! What are you doing sitting up here with the
girls. " The girls smiled sympathetically with Ralph. Peter
blushed, tried to smile. " Would you like to sit in the back, "
he finally managed to say.

" I suppose so, you old woman-killer. "

The girls tittered.

When the two boys were sitting together near the back
of the bus, Ralph asked, " Where's Roland? "

" He's staying home to see his grandmother at noon
today. "

" How did you find out? "

" I talked to him this morning. "

" This morning! Do you generally call each other at any
moment of the day? You sound like two love-birds, calling up in
the middle of the night. "

" Good old tactful, pleasant Ralph. "

" Why did you call him then? "

" I had something important to tell him. "

" Oh, What? "

" Nothing important. "

" Something important that's nothing important. "

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" He did. "

" You're lying. You lied to me yesterday about him going to Swan Lake with you. "

" About what? "

" You know. "

" I never mentioned Swan Lake to you. "

" You're lying. "

" Why would I lie to you. "

" Because you're jealous about his being best friends with me. "

" I'll bet. I was the one who stopped hanging around with him, not vice versa. "

" Forget it. "

" What's there to be jealous of anyway? You're not married to him you know. "

" Oh, forget it. "

The two sat in silence for a while. Ralph tried to start a conversation with the girl across the aisle, but she ignored him. After a while Ralph looked at Peter who was turned toward the window. The small, handsome boy put his hand on Peter's leg and said softly, " How'd you cut your neck, Peter? "

Peter turned to him, rubbing the scab on his neck. " Oh, I was trying to shave my neck this morning, " he said sheepishly.

"So you'd look nice for Sarah? "

" Yes. You're too smart. "

Ralph chuckled. " I didn't find out about your letter from Roland. "

" That's all right. I'm sorry I was nasty to you. "

" That's O.K. I probably deserved it. "

Page 80

The two boys got off the bus with a crowd of students.
Peter and Ralph walked together towards the school.

"Are you really serious about Sarah?" Ralph asked
politely.

"You might say so. Yes, I like her a lot....If I thought you wouldn't laugh at me I'd read you the letter I'm sending her."

"No, I won't laugh. In fact, I think a good letter might be the one thing that would get her to like you, or anyone. You know, she hasn't been serious over for most of the summer. I think she's probably heard every line a boy can invent. If you could send her a sincere letter I think it might really impress her."

"Would-you-like you to read it to you?"

"Yes. If you don't mind."

Peter unsealed the envelope, drew out the letter, and
read self-consciously to Ralph Darling.

"Dear Sarah:

"I must confess that I have never written this kind of letter to anyone before. If I express myself awkwardly, you must overlook this hesitation and see the real depth of feeling I wish to communicate, for in these pages I shall tell you something that is the most important matter of my life."

"I am sure that you must have seen these last few days the greatest respect and affection in me for you. There are many people who would dismiss such emotion as premature and evanescent. Only because I am aware of your great depth of understanding do I dare

Page 82

you.

"But I am presumptious. Perhaps so much good fortune as I aspire towards would be too much for mortal to bear. My cup would overflow if you would only consent to spend some time with me. I ask you for nothing more. More! That would indeed be so much that as a result my heart could easily break from happiness."

"If you can grant none of these wishes, then, even in my unhappiness, I will be honoured if you accept any services that I might render you as an eternal and loving friend."

Sincerely, I await your answer

with utmost eagerness,

Peter Cross

Peter looked a little sheepishly at Ralph. Ralph put his arm around Peter's shoulder and said enthusiastically, "If that doesn't do it, I don't know anything that will. That's a beautiful letter, Pete."

"Thanks. You're so much more encouraging than Roland. And I think you're the one who has my real interests at heart. You're a real friend, Ralph," Peter said in a kind voice. As he put the letter back in its envelope, resealed it, and dropped it in the mailbox.

The two boys walked along together up to the school, waited for each other at his locker, and strolled into their home room in close company.

There was about half an hour before school began. Peter left Ralph with some friends and went back to Mrs. Tiresias' desk.

"Are you busy, now?"

Page 84

my music along, " Peter kidded. " Seriously, though, I'm
reluctant to read mine after hearing yours. Yours is so simple
and sincere, and I'm afraid mine is just rhetoric. " He shrugged
and drew a breath.

" We can't ever know the touch of hands
Again; the spring sunlight shall never sing
waving Her warning song to us again, nor fling
Upon our lifted hair her shifting strands.

" When the night's tide trails down the moonlight sands
Our footsteps these will change to melting rings
And all our youthful, fearful wonderings
Will slide into those still, still glassy lands. "

" That's very nice, Peter. When you read it you seemed
to be saying something that was very real for you. "

" Well, it is. "

" Whoever she is, she must have been a lucky girl. "

" Why the past tense? "

" Because you said, ' We cannot ever know the touch of
hands again'. "

" So I did. Well, poetic license. But maybe it is
true, after all. I can only wait and see, " Peter said in a mock-
serious tone.

" That sounds prophetic. "

" Oh, no. Forebodings. "

Mrs. Tiresias rose from her desk, took a small pitcher
from the window ledge, and watered the flowers that sat there
within the yellow light of the school room blinds. As Peter
leaned against her desk, he watched her slow, quiet movements, the

Page 86

" Somehow or other, " Peter mentioned, " I always manage to get along better with older people. "

" Oh? Mrs. Bass let me believe the contrary. She felt that you did very well socially. "

" I ought to. I've worked hard enough at it. But with someone like you, I don't have to work at being friends; I just relax and talk about things that really do interest me. "

" Why do you bother to work with the others? "

" Don't you think I ought to? "

" I think if you enjoy certain people your age you should cultivate them. I think one has a hard time enjoying his friends, if he has too many, however. "

" I never had any. "

" Except the adult ones? "

" Except those. —I don't know why I run on like this, " he laughed apologetically. " But what I wanted to ask you is whether you would go to Dolly Madison's this afternoon with me — for tea, or anything? " Peter blushed.

" The tearoom down the street? "

" Yes. "

" Well—I—that was nice of you to ask me, but, I think I had better not. "

" Oh. "

" There might be some sort of stigma on you. "

" How? "

" It might look like apple polishing. "

" So? "

" It might also look like a little boy asking his mother to dance at their favorite supper club. " She came quite close to

Page 87

him and looked at him from the depths of her wise, kind eyes.
" Peter, " she said in a serious tone, " I want to tell you
about certain people who-- " she faltered, and glanced at Ralph,
sitting close to them. " There are those who might--; well, be
cautious. Don't let your affection for new friends--"

" Yes, " Peter interrupted. His eyes wandered to the
nearby desk where Ralph was sitting, listening to what they were
saying. " Well, of course, you're right. I suppose I had better
get to my seat, as the bell is going to ring in a moment. "

" I hope you understand about this afternoon. "

Peter looked nervously at Ralph, then turned to Mrs.
Tiresias and smiled. " Of course. "

Mrs. Tiresias smiled back and them quickly took a
notebook from her desk and proceeded to the front of the class.
As the bell rang, Peter sat down in his desk beside Ralph.

The teacher began to explain a locker number card that
had to be filled out.

" Do you want to be my locker partner? " Peter whisp-
ered to Ralph.

" Why did you ask Mrs. Tiresias to--to tea,--when you
already had plans with me for this afternoon? "

" I forgot about our plans. "

" I'll bet. "

" I thought it would be better, if, oh, Ralph--uh--
again, would you like to be my locker partner? "

" Roland already asked me to be his. "

" You can only be partners with someone in your own
home room. She just said so. "

" Oh. Well we didn't know that, of course. All I

Page 88

remember is Roland came up to me and insisted that I share his
locker. He always wants to do things with me, " Ralph winked.

Peter smiled as if he had been hurt. " He doesn't ever
seem concerned about not being with you anymore. "

Ralph looked up startled at Peter's words. His eyes
had a sad appearance of hopelessness until they fixed on Peter's
glance; then they began to contract into one brief, powerful
announcement of hatred.

" I--I'm---Oh Ralph, let's forget Roland for today and
just plan to have fun with each other this afternoon, " Peter
consoled.

Ralph's eyes of hatred lost their brilliance in thought.
A certain look of concentration hovered over his face. And then
the hidden possibility in Peter's words reached him; a look of
triumph shone on his face and then quickly distilled into a glimmer
of puckishness and excitement. Decisively, joyfully, Ralph strech-
ed his hand across the aisle and trailed it coquettishly along
Peter's leg. " Yes, old man, we'll have fun with each other this
afternoon. "

Page 96

" Leslie and I had a tremendous argument on the way to lunch. "

" I--I see. What about? "

" You. "

" Who won? "

" Neither of us. She's very mad at me right now. She may be saying some things now that she will regret. "

" I hope she will regret them. "

" I'll win the argument. Maybe you had better call her tonight, though, and help me convince her. "

" I will if I can. "

" She doesn't intend to be mean. "

" I know. "

Douglas came up behind Peter, put his tray next to his, slapped him on the shoulder, and said, "God, I never would have thought you'd be the type, Pete. Come to think of it, maybe I had better stop asking you to come over to my house or people will talk about..."

" Stop, Douglas, " Peter said painfully. " Why don't you stop? " Shaking all over Peter rose from the table and hurried away. Behind him he could hear, " You always talk too much, Doug, " " You might as well slap him in the face, " " Look he left his tray, " " I didn't think he was that type. " These comments were swallowed up into the general hubbub of the bustling lunch room.

Peter kept his head down as he quickly walked to the door. At every table he passed he thought he could hear a certain hush and snicker. The clanging of dishes and trays and the universal snicker filled his ears.

Outside the lunch room door he stopped for a drink at the

Page 97

fountain. His tears were falling fast from his cheeks into the draining water. On one side of him was the din from the cafeteria; on the other was the noonday silence of the empty halls. At his home room door he could see Mrs. Tiresias just leaving for lunch. He hurried to her.

" Peter-aren't you supposed..."--and then she saw he was crying. " Whatever's wrong? "

" I--oh, I don't know how to tell you. "

" Do you want to go in the room? "

" No. I'll tell you here. "

" Yes. All right. "

" Did you hear Ralph Darling speak to me this morning? "

" No, I didn't. "

" Well. I'll start from the beginning. Do you know Roland Bright? "

" Yes. I hear he's a wonderful boy and a good friend of yours. "

" My best friend. But he used to be best friends with Ralph Darling. Ralph became jealous of me, I know. I should have been cautious of him, but I wasn't. Yesterday afternoon he had me over to his house. "

" Yes, " Mrs. Tiresias was intent.

" He took me on a hike along the sewage canal--near his house. We were just following the trail, when we came to a grassy spot. Suddenly, Ralph turned around, jumped me, and we two wrestled for quite awhile on the grass. But perfectly innocent. We were only wrestling. Well, then he pulled away, said something very dirty that was enigmatic at the time. And then he raced back toward his house. When he had gone a ways he turned around, laughed

Chapter VII

Peter Cross got quickly off the bus at his corner and hurried down the street towards his apartment. When Peter reached the front door of his building, he hurried in and up the stairs. Once inside his flat, he leaned against the door to the outside hall, and breathed deeply. The stuffy air, filled with the sour smell of a cat's urine, filled his lungs. After hesitating only a moment to glance at himself in the full-length mirror on the coat closet door, Peter hurried anxiously back to his room and to the black telephone that sinister and old on the faded yellow carpet. The boy took his wrinkled telephone list from under the phone, quickly scanned the sheet until he came to the name, Darling, and a number opposite, both written originally in a smudged lead pencil script, but quite recently traced with a bright, affectionate, red crayon.

Peter leaned back against his bed and concentrated for a moment. After a little he took a memo pad and jotted down some points he washed to make in his conversation.

Nerviously he arose, went to his window, walked back to his record player, turned the machine on and let it warm up, and then snapper it off again.

In the end he went to the phone, paused only an instant, and then dialed the number opposite "Darling".

"Hello."

"Mrs. Darling?"

"Yes."

"May I please speak to your husband?"

"One moment, please."

Peter could hear the woman calling for her husband. After a little the man took the phone.

Page 100

" Hello. "

" Mr. Darling, I'm Peter Cross. I'm a friend of Ralph's.
You met me yesterday afternoon. "

" Oh, yes, Peter. What can I do for you. "

" Well--this is very hard for me to say, but--well--I
think you should know of certain statements your son has made about
me. "

" I'd like to know. " A serious voice.

" Well--yesterday afternoon your son invited me over to
his house, as you know. We went exploring down by the canal. After
a while we started wrestling. Nothing else--nothing unusual. Sud-
denly he jumped up and ran back toward his house. When he had gone
a little way, he motioned for me to follow him. By the time I
caught up with him he was standing on the water's edge. He pointed
out a used rubber floating in the water. A little later he turned
to me with the strangest smile on his face. He asked me to open
my mouth and pull my lips back over my teeth. Unaware of his intent,
I did so. Suddenly he started laughing at me. " You'll do for the
job, " he said. I then saw what the joke was. You understand his
meaning, I assume? "

" Yes, of course, Go on. "

" I'm being very blunt but I want to give all the details."

" Go on. "

" Well, I found nothing particularly unusual in his insin-
uations. Lots of boys joke about the same thing. Anyway, after a
bit I left. This morning I came up to him in my classroom and he
accused me of perversion. At lunch I discovered he was spreading
the story among all his and my friends. You, of course, realize

Page 101

what this means. " Peter began to cry. " I shall have to move away to my father's or something. No one will be able to speak to me. "

" Yes, I realize. Why would he do such a thing? " A worried voice, now.

" I have no idea. I can't imagine. I like art and music and writing a lot. Many people associate perversion with the arts. "

" Both of his parents, " the father interrupted, " are writers. He has seen and known many artists here in his home. "

" I see, Well, the only other thing I can think of is this: he and I have a common friend, Roland Bright. Recently Roland and I have been doing more things together. Maybe Ralph is jealous and is using his story about me to win back Roland's friendship. "

" I would know nothing about that. But it is a possibility. "

" Maybe he really believes his own story about me. But why should .... "

" I don't care, " Mr. Darling said firmly, " whether Ralph's story is true or not. The only thing that's important is that such a story shows cruelty and immaturity in Ralph, and it may seriously injure you. "

" I don't like to tattle on people. And I'm not a prude about my reputation. But Ralph's accusations have already been so damaging.... "

" I certainly thank you for calling me. Are you at school now? "

" No. I came home at noon to sort of re-organize myself. "

" I can't tell you how sorry I am about this whole thing. Ralph will discontinue all talk of this, I assure you. "

Chapter VIII

" Peter, what are you doing home so early? " Mrs. Cross asked accusingly as she stood in the open doorway.

Peter looked up at his mother. He was sitting on the floor by the front door, the fingers of his one hand deep in the matted carpet, his other hand playing with the cat.

" It's a long story. Come on in and I'll tell you, " the boy said with a studied evenness of tone.

Mrs. Cross was very agitated. " What's the matter? Has someone been hurt? Someone hasn't died? "

" No, no, Mother. It's nothing serious at all, " the boy said slowly, calmly.

" What is it? " Mrs. Cross closed the door and even walked into her bedroom and put her handbag on the dresser. Peter followed lazily, the cat coming behind him sleepily.

" I'm listening. " There was still a wild unreasoning fear in her eyes.

" Well, I'm not going to just sit here and have you stare at me like I was on trial. " Peter said in a suddenly irritated voice. " Fix dinner or something. "

It's only three o'clock, dear. But I thought I'd make you a chocolate cake for tonight. I can be doing that while you tell me your story. "

" You don't need to make it sound like some sort of confession. "

" I didn't mean it to sound like anything. "

Peter sat on the kitchen counter. " You know Ralph Darling? "

" Ralph Darling? I don't believe I do. "

" He's a friend of mine at school, " Peter said simply.

Page 109

When he heard his words, he smiled ironically.

"Oh, I see. Wasn't he the boy you visited yesterday? "

"That's right. Well, let me start from the beginning."

Mrs. Cross gave Peter a frightened look.

"Just go on fixing your cake, Mother, and don't stop until I've finished. But don't rattle the pans so much."

"You're so nervous, dear. "

"Well don't put me on trial, Mother," Peter shouted irritably. He walked decisively out of the room. Mrs. Cross followed him.

"You've got to tell me what you've done, Peter!" she said in a firm voice.

"Done! So, you're accusing me already."

"No, I'm not accusing you of anything. I don't even know what it is I could be accusing you of."

"It isn't even this important," Peter grumbled.

"You've got to tell me, now. You've worried me half to death, Peter. You know you can tell your mother anything in the world."

"O.K. O.K. I've got to go to the bathroom."

Peter sat on the toilet seat and studied the patterns of the tile on the floor, his eyes discovering every way in which the tiles could form parts of different groupings.

His mother walked slowly back to the kitchen.

At last Peter reentered the kitchen and in a brisk, businesslike way resumed his story.

"Well, anyway--I had suspected all along that Ralph was jealous of my friendship with Roland. Ralph used to be close friends with Roland."

Page 110

" Is Ralph, " Mrs. Cross interrupted, " that short,
pretty boy who went with you to the 4th of July dance? "

" He wasn't my date for the dance, " Peter said sarcastically with a hurt look in his eyes, " but you did drive him and me to the dance. "

" That's what I meant. "

" Anyway, I went home with Ralph yesterday afternoon. We went hiking down by the canal, and after a while we started wrestling. "

" Who started that? " Mrs. Cross sounded suspicious.

" I guess I did, " Peter said weakly.

" I didn't know you liked wrestling, Peter. " There was a look of craftiness in her eye.

Peter was exasperated. " We've been doing it in gym this week. What are you getting at? "

" Nothing. Go on. "

" Well, --" Peter tried to resume his even, direct approach, but his confidence was shaken. " After a while we quit. Ralph ran away, back towards his house. "

" Why did he run away? "

" Oh, Mother. Can I finish, please? "

" I was just curious why he should break away from your hold and run away. "

" I see no sense in even talking to you, Mother. You already have all the answers. "

" I'll be quiet. Go on. "

" Well, as I was saying. When Ralph had run down the path, he turned around and motioned for me to follow. When I caught up with him, he kept making obscene inferences about me. I didn't understand his motivation at all. After a while I left his house

Page 113

" ' Dear Sarahs

I imagine you'll never receive this letter,
because I plan to send it only if you reply favor-
ably to my first letter and agree to its proposals.

Right now, I am somewhat embarrassed about
it all, for, should you do the impossible, and accept
my love, my love would not be able to find you; it is
sightless. It was informed of your grace, stirred by
your voice, and moved by your intelligence, but it
never recognized you; it never had eyes.

How can I expect you to take its hand and
trace your own features with its touch, that it may
come to know your ways, your heart, you? The only
thing I can hope for is that my unseeing love has
stumbled into the arms of the girl it thought it saw.
Can you understand what I am saying? I suppose not.

Love,

Peter ' '

The boy addressed the envelope, folded the letter and
enclosed it. A new look of apathy and remorse and death and hopeless-
ness permeated the mask of his pretending face and settled on his
features. All his vaporized energy condensed into the single move-
ment of his hand for the second leaf of paper.

" ' Dear Tom:

You will never receive this letter nor see
me again. Today we met on the beach and we fell in
love with each other, and I did not feel that our
love was oblique and abnormal; we need each other.
But I shall never see you again, unless--

love you, and I never have. Our friendship has been
a matter of mutual and rewarding liking, but not lov-
ing. I know this is very cruel, but I must say it.
Try not to hate me.

I think it would be best if we did not see
each other for a while.

I certainly hope we can continue to be friends.
I hold you as one of my very best friends.

Please forgive me. Try to understand why I
have to be this way.

The cat was rubbing against Peter's extended leg, mewing,
the pink tongue looking clean against the sharp white teeth. The
radiator creaked, and the cat stared at it with a startled look, his
ears standing up from his wide, grey head.

Peter took the other envelope. It was long and white,
addressed in a green ink with a thin, high, slashed handwriting.
Peter noticed that although it was sealed and had a stamp on it,
there was no post mark on it.

" ' Dear Peter:

I have not mailed this letter, but rather
only stamped it and dropped it in your box, myself,
as I wanted you to get it sooner than the mail would
deliver it, and yet did not want to cause you to be
in the embarrassing situation that might result if
you were discovered receiving hand-delivered letters
from a stranger.

Peter, you will never know what happened to