12.

## Scene III

(Waiter enters with tray; approaches table with
several nearly-empty beer glasses on it. Drains
them one at a time and puts them on the tray;
then wipes off table with cloth.)

(Enter Henry Kiplinger, in costume; he carries a
briefcase.)

Henry: This looks like the place. (looks at his watch)
Four o'clock. I'm right on time.

Waiter: Can I help you?

Henry: Is this the Wursthaus?

Waiter: Jawohl, meinherr.

Henry: Say, are you German?

Waiter: No. That's just an act we put on for you tourists.

Henry: I'll just sit here at this table. I'm meeting a
friend.

Waiter: A woman?

Henry: No, a man.

Waiter: Oh, one o' them kind, huh?

Henry: No, no. It's not what you think. We're meeting to
discuss business.

Waiter: That's what they all say. You know, you look
familiar. I seen your picture in the paper. Don't
tell me, you're —

13.

Henry: (modestly) Yes, I am.

Waiter: Can I have your autograph?

Henry: Sure. (signs waiter's cuff.)

Waiter: Henry Kiplinger, Ph.D.?

Henry: Who did you think I was?

Waiter: Guy Lombardo. (Exits)
(Enter George McGoo, wearing same costume as Kiplinger.)

George: This must be where the secret talks are. O.K.,
now where's Nick Dixon's errand boy?

(SONG HERE)

George: How do you do. I'm George McGoo. Say, how come
you're dressed up like that?

Henry: I'm in mufti.

George: Is *that* what you call it?

Henry: How come *you're* dressed up like that?

George: They told me I had to wear something special.
How do you like it?

Henry: You look simply stunning. Come sit down.
(They sit at the table.)

George: Well, let's get right down to business. What have
you got in your briefcase?

Henry: (opening the lid and peeking inside) Liverwurst,
ham and cheese, roast beef on rye. Have some?

George: No thank you.

Henry: Pickles? Potato chips?

14.

George: No, no. I'd like to talk business, if you don't mind. Tell me, have you got authority in this matter?

Henry: The President has given me carte blanche.

George: Gee, your own credit card!

Henry: No, dumbkopf! Carte blanche is a French expression. It means I have full authority to settle this question.

George: I don't understand those fancy foreign words. Out in the Great Wide West where I come from, us folks talk American.

Henry: I should have brought an interpreter. (Enter Waiter.)

Waiter: Would you gentlemen like to order something?

George: A glass of buttermilk, please.

Waiter: Anything for you, Mr. Lombardo?

Henry: Ein glass bier, bitte.

Waiter: Huh?

Henry: Ein glass bier, bitte.

Waiter: What'd he say?

Henry: A glass of beer, stupid!

Waiter: Jawohl, meinherr.

Henry: Ach! What kind of German restaurant is this?

George: Now, Dr. Kiplinger. Just what terms does the President propose?

Henry: His terms are very simple and very generous.

George: What does he want?

15.

Henry: Basically, he wants an apology. The President is a very sensitive man and his feelings have been deeply wounded.

George: What kind of apology? Does he want to make us crawl?

Henry: Nothing like that. The President is not vindictive. A simple expression of regret by Massachusetts concerning its role in the 1972 election.

George: That's all?

Henry: Of course the electoral returns would be retroactively amended so as to show that the President carried all fifty states, including Massachusetts.

George: That's asking quite a lot. You want us to go back on our ideals and our principles.

Henry: Look at it this way. There's going to be a new President in three weeks. You can get a much better deal from us than you will from the new President. We want to wrap this thing up. We'll give you a big bargain. Nick Dixon will not be undersold.

George: Sounds like he's trying to sell us a used car.

Henry: Now the President doesn't believe in coercion and he doesn't make threats. But let me tell you this, off the record. If we don't have a peace treaty signed by tonight, Boston Harbor will be mined and round-the-clock bombing of Massachusetts will begin.

George: I think you're making us an offer we can't refuse.

16.

(Enter Waiter with drinks. He serves George's buttermilk; then takes a swig out of Henry's beer before serving it. Exit Waiter.)

Henry: (scrutinizing his beer) No tip for him!

George: Now, Dr. Kiplinger, what about reparations?

Henry: What do you mean — reparations?

George: If Massachusetts goes along with your offer, we want to make up for what we've been missing out on during the last four years.

Henry: The embargo will be lifted and all Federal services restored.

George: We want the vote back, too. As you know, Massachusetts wasn't allowed to vote in this year's election to choose the new President.

Henry: Oh sure. You can vote again.

George: And we want our retroactive share of the pork barrel.

Henry: Pork barrel?

George: Just tell the President — he'll know what it means.

Henry: I'll call him right now. (Picks up telephone.)
Operator? Get me Washington. The White House. I
want to talk to the President. Who's calling? Just
tell him it's Henry. Hello, boss? Listen, they
want reparations. Yah, yah. Their share of the
pork barrel. Is that all right? Well, of course
I am. Yah, of course. Right. Goodbye.

17.

George: What did he say?

Henry: I think we've got a deal!

George: What about the pork barrel?

Henry: He says that right now the pork barrel is empty,
but he'll be glad to put in a word for you with
the new President.

George: That's the best he can do?

Henry: Take it or leave it.

George: You drive a hard bargain.

Henry: Hard bargains make good friends.
(They shake hands.)

18.

## Scene IV

(Howard Nebbish sitting alone in a chair, facing the audience.)

Howard: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Howard Nebbish of NBC television, broadcasting from the Oval Room of the White House. In just a few moments we'll be privileged to bring you a live interview with the President of the United States, Mr. Nick Dixon. This will be the last television appearance of the President before he leaves office on January 20th. We understand that the President has a very important announcement to make this evening. And we also hope to chat with him about his successor, the new President who'll be taking office very shortly.

(Music sounds offstage.)

I believe I hear the President coming now. Yes, yes, he's coming down the hallway towards the Oval Room. In just a moment he'll be here.

(Enter Nick Dixon, in costume.)

Howard: Good evening, Mr. President.

Nick: Evening, Howard. At ease.

Howard: If you'll just sit over here, sir, we can begin our television interview.

(They sit down.)

19.

Nick: Thank you, Howard.

Good evening, fellow Americans. I have some very good news that I'd like to share with you tonight. It concerns a problem of national concern that has troubled me for a long time, as I'm sure it has troubled you also. Tonight I'm pleased to be able to tell you that we have achieved a solution to that problem. I'm referring, of course, to the problem of Massachusetts.

Howard: Wow! That's really great, Mr. President!

Nick: This afternoon in Boston, a peace treaty was signed. I'm very happy to announce that, as of this moment, Massachusetts has been readmitted to the Union with full privileges of statehood.

Howard: Say, that's terrific! Now I can visit my uncle in Framingham.

Nick: Needless to say, this is the result of much hard work over a long period of time. I'd like to thank my faithful assistant, Dr. Henry Kiplinger, for his diligent efforts which have made this peace treaty possible.

Howard: Do you think we might get Dr. Kiplinger to come out and say a few words?

Nick: I think he's hanging around somewhere. Oh, Henry! Henry Kiplinger!

20.

(Enter Henry, wearing the same costume as in previous scene.)

Howard: Good evening, Dr. Kiplinger. (shakes hands) Congratulations on your peace treaty with Massachusetts.

Nick: Say something for the people, Henry.

Henry: I could hardly tear myself away from Boston. All those gorgeous women up there!

Howard: That's a great accomplishment, solving the Massachusetts problem. You really ought to take a bow.

Henry: Take a bow — why not? (Henry runs back and forth across the stage, grinning and bowing to the audience.)

Nick: All right, Henry. That's enough!

Henry: Yes, boss. (Exit Henry.)

Howard: Mr. Dixon, I thought you might like to talk a bit about your successor, the new President.

Nick: Yes, Howard, I'd be glad to. As you know, I'm a believer in progress and constructive change. Just because we've done things a certain way in the past doesn't mean we can't try new ways. So when the idea of a woman for President was suggested, I decided it was a good idea, an idea whose time had come.

Howard: And now we're about to inaugurate our first woman President.

21.

Nick: Of course I'm a strong believer in the family as an American institution. The family is the basic unit on which this country is founded. So what was more natural for me than to look around in my own family for a candidate.

Howard: Who turned out to be —

Nick: My wife Pat.

Howard: Do you think Mrs. Dixon will want to serve two terms as President?

Nick: Oh yes, Howard. Pat believes very strongly in public service.

Howard: Let's see, two terms for Mrs. Dixon — that'll bring us up to 1984.

Nick: Now my older daughter Julie, she's also very keen on public service. We think Julie and her husband David would make a lovely Presidential couple.

Howard: Julie as President and David as Vice President?

Nick: That's the idea. Now two terms for Julie would bring us up to 1992. Then there's my younger daughter Tricia. She's also very interested in public service. We think she and her husband Ed would make a lovely Presidential couple.

Howard: Two terms for Tricia and Ed?

Nick: That's right, Howard.

Howard: That'd bring us up to the year 2000.

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON

January 9, 1971

Mr. Ehrlichman:

Attached is a list of names of people to whom
Mr. Kissinger wrote regarding Peter's stay
in Germany.

Also attached is a copy of one of the letters
he sent, just to give you an idea of what he
said. All of the other letters are very
similar to this one.

Mr. Kissinger intends to write another set
of letters next week and we will provide a list
of those names when the others have been sent.

Julie

PROPRIED
JAN 1 5 1971

CENTRAL FILES

Dear Horst:

Please forgive my imposing on you with a request for a
personal favor. The son of a very good friend of mine will
be studying in Germany for the next six months and I would
like him to see and learn as much as possible. He is Peter
Ehrlichman, the son of John Ehrlichman, the Assistant to
the President for Domestic Affairs (he plays in domestic policy
much the same role as I play in foreign policy).

Peter is an unusually nice and thoughtful boy and will be
studying basically at Beutelsbach outside of Stuttgart but
also doing some traveling in Germany. He majors in history
at Stanford University in California with an emphasis on
German civilization. I hope that you will not mind my
asking him to get in touch with you if he is in your part of
the country. Anything that you can do to make his visit to
Germany a more interesting experience will be greatly
appreciated.

In case you should want to get in touch with him his address
is:

Peter S. Ehrlichman
Landgutburg D7056
Beutelsbach, Germany
(07151) Waiblingen 6063

Mr. Horst Ehmke
53 Bonn
Adenauerallee 141
Bonn, West Germany

JLP:jlj 1/8/71

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON

January 8, 1971

Dear Marion:

Dr. Marion Grafin Donhoff
Die Zeit
200 Hamburg 1, Postfach 1101
West Germany

P.S. In case you should want to get in touch with him his address is: Landgutburg D7056, Beutelsbach, Germany (07151) Waiblingen 6063

WASHINGTON

January 8, 1971

Dear Mr. Stroehm:

Peter is an unusually nice and thoughtful boy and will be studying basically at Beutelsbach outside of Stuttgart but also doing some traveling in Germany. He majors in history at Stanford University in California with an emphasis on German civilization. I hope that you will not mind my asking him to get in touch with you. Anything that you can do to make his visit to Germany a more interesting experience will be greatly appreciated.

Mr. Carl Gustaf Stroehm, Editor
Christ Und Welt
7 Stuttgart
Aixheimer Strasse 26
Germany

WASHINGTON

January 8, 1971

Dear Siegfried:

Mr. Siegfried Unseld
Suhrkamp Verlag
6 Frankfurt/Main
Lindenstrasse 29-35
Postfach 2446
Germany

WASHINGTON

January 8, 1971

Dear Mr. Kahn-Ackermann:

Please forgive my imposing on you with a request for a personal favor. The son of a very good friend of mine will be studying in Germany for the next six months and I would like him to see and learn as much as possible. He is Peter Ehrlichman, the son of John Ehrlichman, the Assistant to the President for Domestic Affairs (he plays in domestic policy much the same role as I play in foreign policy.)

Mr. Georg Michel Kahn-Ackermann
Reitmoorstrasse 15
Munich, Germany

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON

January 8, 1971

Dear Jurgen:

Mr. Jurgen Weichert
Germanenstrasse 60
53 Bonn - Bad Godesberg 1
West Germany

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

TIME
THE WEEKLY NEWSMAGAZINE

TIME & LIFE BUILDING
ROCKEFELLER CENTER
NEW YORK 10020

EDITORIAL OFFICES
(212) JU 6-1212

April 13, 1972

Dear Dr. Kissinger:

I want to thank you again for your courtesy and cooperation
during our photography session last week.

I am sending you herewith a clipping from the Wall Street
Journal which I thought might interest you.

All the pictures turned out very well. However, in all the
frantic rushing, I missed getting any close-up shots of
you, which the editors here are most desirous of obtaining.

I would need, at most, about an hour of your time, for these
photographs. I would appreciate if someone in your office
could call Rita Quinn, at Time Magazine in New York, 212-
556-2320, to arrange a mutually convenient time.

With best regards,

Dr. Henry A. Kissinger
The White House
Washington, D. C. 20006

RECEIVED
JUN 2 1975

CENTRAL FILES