1/23/82

MR. PRESIDENT,

WE ARE -- REGRETTABLY -- ASSEMBLED HERE TO INSTALL
A NEW PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB. TONIGHT I STEP ONCE
MORE INTO THE ROLE I FIRST ENTERED AT THE END OF THE
FORD ADMINISTRATION. ONCE AGAIN I SHALL BE A GENIUS
IN EXILE. LET ME STATE THE ISSUE BLUNTLY: WHY ANYONE
WOULD ATTEMPT TO SUCCEED ME IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE TO ME.
MY FATHER DOES NOT UNDERSTAND IT; MY DOG TYLER DOES NOT
UNDERSTAND IT. NOR DO MY STAFF ASSISTANTS, MATTHEW,
MARK, LUKE AND JOHN.

STILL TRADITION MUST BE SERVED. AND IN TRUTH IT
IS AN APPROPRIATE OCCASION. WITHIN THE WEEK PRESIDENT
REAGAN WILL REPORT TO THE PEOPLE ON THE STATE OF THE
UNION. HE WILL ACCOUNT FOR HIS STEWARDSHIP DURING THE
FIRST YEAR OF HIS ADMINISTRATION, AND PROJECT HIS VISION
OF HIS REMAINING THREE YEARS...OR SEVEN, DEPENDING, OF
COURSE, ON WHETHER HE CAN CONTINUE TO LIVE ON $200,000

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A YEAR IN THE PRESENT ECONOMY. [ THAT SHOULD BE POSSIBLE.
I SAW A STATISTIC LAST WEEK PROVING THAT A FAMILY OF
FOUR CAN LIVE ON $20 THOUSAND A YEAR SO LONG AS THEY
DO WITHOUT LUXURIES LIKE A BOAT, A SECOND HOME OR FOOD.]

HIS SUBORDINATES TOOK CHANCES; THEY HAVE ALREADY
DISTRIBUTED REPORT CARDS OF THEIR ACHIEVEMENTS. THIS
THREW THE ALFALFA PRESIDENT INTO A PANIC. THEY GAVE
THEMSELVES SO MANY A'S ON THEIR REPORTS CARDS THAT I
WAS AFRAID THEY WERE ALL DOWN WITH THE COLLEGE CROWD
AT FORT LAUDERDALE.

ONE WEEK LATER, WE CELEBRATE THE 100TH BIRTHDAY
OF FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT, THE MAN WHO SERVED MORE
YEARS AS PRESIDENT THAN ANY OTHER -- NO MATTER HOW LONG
IT SEEMED UNDER CARTER.

TO RETURN TO THIS EXCITING WEEK IN WASHINGTON. NOT
ONLY DO WE ALFALFANS CELEBRATE TOGETHER, THE ADMINISTRATION
HAS CELEBRATED ITS FIRST YEAR, THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY

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OF THE RELEASE OF THE HOSTAGES, AND THE LAST TIME MARY
MCGRORY WILL BE CALLED ON AT A PRESS CONFERENCE. ON
THIS OCCASION THE BEST MINDS IN THIS TOWN HAVE BEEN TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT HOW DECISIONS ARE MADE IN THIS ADMINISTRATION;
DOPE STORIES ABOUND. BUT AS USUAL THE TRUTH IS RELATIVELY
SIMPLE. THERE IS A JAR OF JELLY BEANS ON THE CABINET
TABLE; AND EVERYONE GRABS A HANDFUL. THREE RED JELLY
BEANS WILL BEAT TWO YELLOWS ANY DAY -- EXCEPT ON WEDNESDAY
AFTERNOONS WHEN THE PRESIDENT GOES RIDING IN QUANTICO,
VIRGINIA. ON THOSE OCCASIONS HE DELIVERS HIS SERMONS
ON THE MOUNT.

BUT LET ME RETURN TO MY SUBJECT, WHATEVER IT IS.
EVEN THOUGH I DEPLORE THE OCCASION THAT BRINGS US TOGETHER,
NO ONE AFFILIATED WITH THE ALFALFA CLUB CAN FAIL TO BE
IMPRESSED BY THE OPPORTUNITY TO MINGLE WITH THE HIGH
AND MIGHTY, TO TAKE THE PULSE OF THE TOWN, IN SHORT TO
SEE GREAT MEN IN VARIOUS STATES OF DISSOLUTION. I WAS

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MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AT THE RECEPTION WHEN A CONSERVATIVE
SENATOR CAME UP TO ME AND ASKED ME A RIDDLE: "WHAT IS
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TURNIP AND ED MEESE?" THAT
UNTIL RECENTLY, BAFFLED EVEN ME. BUT THEN CONSERVATIVE SENATORS DO NOT
OFTEN SPEAK TO ME SO I DECIDED TO PLAY ALONG. "ALRIGHT"
I ASKED, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TURNIP AND
ED MEESE." THE SENATOR GAVE ME A PITYING LOOK AT SO
MUCH OBTUSENESS AND SAID: "A TURNIP IS MORE LIKELY TO
RETURN YOUR TELEPHONE CALL."

THAT ALONE MADE ME FEEL IT HAD BEEN WORTHWHILE TO
INTERRUPT READING THE PROOFS OF THE SECOND VOLUME OF
MY MEMOIRS TO COME BEFORE YOU TONIGHT. IN FACT I WAS
TEMPTED TO GIVE YOU THE THRILL OF YOUR LIFE BY READING
TO YOU THE ENTIRE MANUSCRIPT, ALL 1280 PAGES OF IT. IT
IS A SIMPLE STORY OF HOW I SAVED THE WORLD. BUT I CHECKED
WITH THE HOTEL AND THERE WAS NO WAY I COULD GET THROUGH
IT BEFORE THEY NEED THIS ROOM AGAIN ON MONDAY NIGHT --

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NOT EVEN BY DROPPING THE WORD "I", WHICH I ESTIMATE WOULD
CUT THE TEXT BY A THIRD.

BUT I THINK I OWE YOU THE FIRST SENTENCE: "AFTER
RESTING ON THE SEVENTH DAY I RESUMED MY LABORS ON THE
EIGHTH."

LET ME NOW TURN TO A REPORT OF MY STEWARDSHIP.

WHO CAN FAIL TO BE MOVED BY THE EXAMPLE OF THE GREAT
MEN WHO PRECEDED HIM? I WILL NEVER FORGET THE IMMORTAL
PERCEPTION OF SENATOR GOLDWATER'S REGARDING THE INDIANS
IN HIS HOME STATE OF ARIZONA: "IF THEY DON'T LIKE IT
HERE WHY DON'T THEY GO BACK TO WHERE THEY CAME FROM?"

I WILL ALWAYS BE INSPIRED BY SENATOR GLENN'S ENUNCIATION
OF HIS POLITICAL CREDO. HE REFLECTED ON LINCOLN'S FAMOUS
REMARKS: "YOU CAN FOOL SOME OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE
TIME AND ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME" AND HE CONCLUDED:
"WHEN YOU ANALYSE IT THESE ARE PRETTY GOOD ODDS."

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I DID MY BEST TO LIVE UP TO THESE STANDARDS. I
RESTORED DIGNITY TO THE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY BY THE
SIMPLE DEVICE OF REFUSING TO ENTER IT. MY HEADQUARTERS
WAS THE SITUATION ROOM OF THE ALFALFA CLUB -- IN THE
BAR OF THE METROPOLITAN CLUB.

I HELD ALOFT THE ALFALFA FLAG WHICH IS AN EXACT
REPLICA OF OLD GLORY -- WITHOUT THE RED AND BLUE.

AS YOU KNOW, I DID NOT THINK I NEEDED A VICE PRESIDENT
OR A CABINET. BEING THE ONLY MEMBER OF MY ADMINISTRATION
DID CUT DOWN THE LEAKS TO THE PRESS A LITTLE -- BY EXACTLY
FIVE PERCENT IN FACT.

I WAS ASKED BY REPORTERS TO RATE MY ADMINISTRATION.
I SAID I AM TOO HUMBLE, TOO MODEST -- BUT YOU KNOW MY
MIDDLE INITIAL.

TOGETHER WITH OTHER ALFALFANS I EMBRACED THE TRICKLE
DOWN THEORY. WE NOT ONLY EMBRACED IT WE PRACTICED IT --

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AT THE RECEPTION, DURING THE MEAL AND -- I HAVE EVERY CONFIDENCE -- INTO THE MORNING HOURS. THOUGH GUZZLE DOWN IS A MORE APPROPRIATE DESCRIPTION FOR WHAT I SAW OUTSIDE.

I PUSHED THE EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT, ESPECIALLY WHILE THERE IS STILL SOME SNOW TO BE SHOVELED.

LAST YEAR YOU MAY RECALL THAT AS AN ECONOMY MEASURE I REDUCED THE NUMBER OF BARTENDERS TO ONE PER MEMBER. THE BARTENDERS THOUGHT THIS WAS MORE THAN THEY COULD HANDLE. DISREGARDING THEIR PLEDGE TO SERVE ANY DRINK, ANY TIME; THEY STRUCK. I FIRED THEM AND PUT OUT AN ANNOUNCEMENT FOR EXPERIENCED BARTENDERS. THAT'S WHY JODY POWELL AND HAM JORDAN WERE SERVING TONIGHT.

AS FOR ALFALFA'S RELATIONS WITH THE CONGRESS, I HAVE MADE GREAT STRIDES. I MET PERSONALLY WITH EVERY MEMBER OF BOTH CHAMBERS, WHICH ALLOWED ME TO VISIT MANY

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PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB. SO I THOUGHT THE PUBLIC SHOULD NOT BE DEPRIVED OF MY WISDOM ANY LONGER AND WROTE TWO ARTICLES FOR THE *NEW YORK TIMES*. THERE HAS BEEN A LOT OF DISCUSSION THAT THIS ADMINISTRATION IS THIN-SKINNED. BUT AS USUAL PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO MAKE TROUBLE; I HAVE BEEN TREATED WITH GREAT UNDERSTANDING.

AL HAIG CALLED ME FIRST THING IN THE MORNING AND SAID: "HENRY I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT SOME DAMN FOOL HAS BEEN SIGNING YOUR NAME TO ARTICLES IN THE *NEW YORK TIMES*."

MY PORTRAIT IN THE STATE DEPARTMENT NOW HANGS IN THE GARAGE BUT ONLY TO MAKE SURE THAT EVERYONE SEES IT.

TO SHOW THAT THERE WERE NO HARD FEELINGS AL OFFERED ME A JOB -- TO GO TO CHINA TO EXPLAIN THE FOREIGN POLICY OF THIS ADMINISTRATION TO THE CHINESE -- ONE BY ONE.

THE WHITE HOUSE HAS OFFERED TO FLY THE ENTIRE STUDENT BODY OF BRASILIA UNIVERSITY UP HERE FOR THIS DINNER.

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NO MATTER. I WILL CONTINUE TO DEFEND THE ADMINISTRATION AS I HAVE OVER AWACS. I HAVE MY HANDS FULL. THERE ARE THOSE WHO CRITICIZE OUR GOVERNMENT FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES TO THE ISRAELIS AND OTHERS WHO CRITIIZE IT FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES TO SAUDI ARABIA AND YET OTHERS WHO CRITICIZE IT FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES TO BOTH THE ISRAELIS AND THE SAUDIS... BUT IT SHOWS HOW UNSOPHISTICATED PEOPLE ARE ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY. WE HAVE TO SELL BOTH SIDES ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES... AFTER ALL... WE'RE TRYING TO STOP A WAR.

AND SO MY FRIENDS, THE MOMENT HAS COME TO TAKE OFF MY CROWN. I TURN OVER MY OFFICE TO A MAN WHO WITH ALL YOUR LOYAL HELP AND SUPPORT WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FILL MY SHOES. I SUGGESTED TO HIM THAT A PRESIDENT FROM TENNESSEE REALLY NEEDED A SECRETARY OF STATE FROM BAVARIA. THAT WAY THE TOP ECHELON OF THE ADMINISTRATION COULD SPEAK

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OF THE GLAMOROUS SPOTS OF THE WORLD.

AND I CULTIVATED THE WHITE HOUSE AS WELL. TO BE
FRANK IT WAS HARD GOING AT TIMES BUT I FINALLY OVERCAME
ALL OBSTACLES; AT THE RISK OF SOUNDING BOASTFUL I ROSE
TO THE OCCASION. WHENEVER I READ IN THE POST OF A STATE
DINNER, I TOOK THE FINAL TOUR OF THE DAY THROUGH THE
WHITE HOUSE. BEFORE THE TOUR ENDED, I SLIPPED INTO THE
BROOM CLOSET ADJOINING THE EAST ROOM, OPENED MY ATTACHE
CASE, TOOK OUT MY TUXEDO AND CHANGED CLOTHES ACCORDINGLY.
IT WAS WHILE DOING THIS THAT I GOT TO KNOW DAVID STOCKMAN.
AFTER THE ATLANTIC MONTHLY ARTICLE APPEARED HE WAS ALSO
CHANGING IN THE BROOM CLOSET.

TOGETHER, WE THEN JOINED THE INVITED GUESTS AND
WENT THROUGH THE RECEIVING LINE. I MUST SAY THE PRESIDENT
ALWAYS SEEMED HAPPY TO SEE ME. HE WAS MOST GRACIOUS.

[HE ALSO SPOKE TO GEORGE BUSH, EXTENDING HIS HAND TO
GEORGE] ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION, THE PRESIDENT SAID,

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"HELLO, MR. MAYOR, HOW ARE THINGS IN YOUR CITY?"

ONCE I GOT THE HANG OF IT I STARTED ATTENDING OTHER
WHITE HOUSE FUNCTIONS -- FOR EXAMPLE AN OCCASIONAL CABINET
MEETING. I ACCOMPLISHED THIS BY JOINING THE PRESS CORPS
WHEN THEY WERE HUSTLED INTO THE CABINET ROOM FOR WHAT
THE TRADE CALLS A PHOTO OPPORTUNITY. EARLY IN THE TERM
I OBSERVED PRESIDENT REAGAN TURN TO SECRETARY HAIG AND
SAY: "YOU CAN'T IMAGINE HOW NICE IT IS TO BE PRESIDENT."
AND AL REPLIED: "OH, YES I CAN."

I MET MANY FASCINATING LEADERS THAT WAY. [PRIME
MINISTER BEGIN FOR EXAMPLE. BASED ON MY CONVERSATIONS
WITH HIM I HAVE EVERY ASSURANCE THAT ISRAEL WILL RETURN
THE REST OF THE SINAI TO EGYPT ON SCHEDULE ON APRIL 25.....
PROVIDED IT RECEIVES THE STATE OF ILLINOIS ON APRIL 24.]

BEGIN WAS STILL SOMEWHAT BAFFLED BY AN INCIDENT
DURING THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION. WHILE VISITING ISRAEL,
PRESIDENT CARTER SUGGESTED THAT THEY JOINTLY GO TO THE

WITH ONE ACCENT. BUT HOWARD, TOO, HUNG UP ON ME. SO
I WILL RETIRE TO WRITE MY MEMOIRS CALLED THE ALFALFA
YEARS OR THE LOST WEEKEND.

LET ME MAKE ONE SERIOUS POINT. NEXT TO THE PRESIDENT
THE MOST DIFFICULT ASSIGNMENT IN OUR GOVERNMENT IS THE
OF SECRETARY OF STATE.
CONDUCT OF OUR FOREIGN POLICY.
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE
BEEN BLESSED WITH A HISTORY THAT PERMITTED FINAL ANSWERS;
THEIR DESTINY NOW IS TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE CONTINGENT.
EVERY PROBLEM SOLVED IS AN ADMISSION TICKET FOR A NEW
SET OF ISSUES. WE HAVE COME TO THINK OF WAR AND PEACE
AS SUCCESSIVE PHASES; THE CURRENT WORLD IMPOSES SIMULTANEOUSLY
RESOLVE IN CONFLICT AND DEDICATION TO COEXISTENCE.
PEACEFUL

OUR SECRETARY OF STATE IS GOING OFF TO DIFFICULT
TALKS IN GENEVA AND THE MIDDLE EAST. NO ONE KNOWS BETTER
THE BURDEN THAT HE IS CARRYING THAN I -- EVEN IF I SOMETIMES
I know that some day I will be adroitly added to the list of duties
ADD TO IT. AND I HAVE SEEN THE SERVICE HE HAS ALREADY
in his present post as well as
RENDERED TO OUR COUNTRY IN CRUEL CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN HE

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ALMOST SINGLEHANDEDLY HELD OUR GOVERNMENT TOGETHER. OUR
FOREIGN POLICY MUST REFLECT THE BACKING OF A UNITED PEOPLE.
AND AS HE DEPARTS I KNOW THAT I SPEAK FOR ALL OF US IN
THIS ROOM WHEN I SAY THAT HE CARRIES WITH HIM OUR HOPES,
OUR PRAYERS AND ABOVE ALL OUR CONFIDENCE.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS I PRESENT TO YOU YOUR NEW PRESIDENT,
THE MAJORITY LEADER OF THE UNITED STATES SENATE, WHOSE
FIRST NAME IS EVER ON PRESIDENT REAGAN'S MIND -- SENATOR
HAROLD BAKER.

[Y]

SUGGESTED REMARKS FOR THE HONORABLE HENRY A. KISSINGER UPON
RETIRING AS PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB - CAPITOL HILTON

Washington, D.C. - January 23, 1982

Thank you for your applause....although the record I play at
home is much more enthusiastic.

I must confess I almost missed this delightful evening.

Somehow I had it in my mind we were meeting here next Saturday
on the 30th. Fortunately, my wife who understands me well,
had remembered to write this date on all the mirrors in the
house.

I have been asked to be brief tonight....which is like asking the
First Lady to wear argyle socks.

As I look around this room I see many familiar faces. None
more pleasing to me than my own.

I am delighted at the presence here of President and Mrs.

Reagan. Mr. President, I know I speak for everybody in this
room tonight when I say I hope no national or international
crisis arises in the next few minutes to direct your attention
away from what I assure you will be an unforgettable experience.

And it is always a pleasure to be joined by the Vice President,
Mr. Bush, who is second in command of our country and I say
that with no disregard to Alexander Haig, Vicar of State.

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I was hoping we could meet tonight at Blair House so Jimmy Carter could also enjoy my remarks.

I should thank the Alfalfa Club for the presence on this dais of so many distinguished members of the Administration whose jobs hang by a thread.

James Edwards is certainly to be complemented for taking time out of his busy schedule to join us. As you know, the Secretary's busy these days moving the Department of Energy to its new quarters....in the Guard Gate at the Southwest entrance.

And of course we are all happy to be joined on the dais by Mr. Meese, Mr. Baker and Mr. Deaver, that trio of distinguished presidential advisors who, in deference to their exalted roles, will be served an extra vegetable tonight....(even though they may have to hit the bottle to get it out)

I am fully aware that fame has traditionally escaped Alfalfa Presidents who are truly the forgotten men of America's politics. Up until now, that is. Having been born under a star in Bethlehem, I felt I alone would be the Alfalfa President known and revered by wise men everywhere. To prove my point, earlier this evening during the cocktail hour, I circulated, among my fellow Alfalfans, a list of recent Alfalfa presidents and asked them to rate the performance of each in office. I read the majority results to you now without comment. Warren Burger: "who's he?" Barry Goldwater: "his Alfalfa presidency was certainly

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as effective as his 1964 campaign." John Connally: "would you spell that please?" John Glenn: "did he ever get back from outer space?" Henry A. Kissinger: "I think I remember him from the Carol Burnett Show."

My fellow Alfalfans, I am the first to confess that one year ago tonight when you inaugurated me as your president, my first feeling was one of inadequacy. However, when I considered my predecessors, I realized inadequacy is the status quo of Alfalfa and I accordingly lowered my expectations.

I knew the first task before me was to build a strong Alfalfa Administration, since I was seeking political advice I turned, as all presidents do, to the Attorney General. I felt if I listened closely to his advice and did the opposite I would go down in Alfalfa history as the great man I know I am.

I told Bill I must immediately name a Vice President, a Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, and National Security Advisor.

His first suggestion for my Vice President thrilled me. He said: "I can get Burger to take the job". I said, "Chief Justice Warren Burger, one of the great legal minds of our century, a man held in highest esteem by all, a perfect Vice President". He said, "no, not Warren Burger, Sam Burger. He's my wife's nephew and he studied political science in high school and he deserves a chance." I said, "well let's wait on him". "Who do you think I should take as Secretary of State?" Bill said, "there's only one man perfect for the job -- Jackson". I reacted with great enthusiasm: "Scoop Jackson", I said, "brilliant stroke, Scoop

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will be the greatest Secretary of State since the Ford
Administration". Bill said, "no, not Scoop Jackson, I'm
talking about Biff Jackson. He runs a hardware store in
Peoria and a couple of years ago he and I took a trip together
to Puerto Rico and I just know the way he treated the bell-
hops and the chamber maids and everybody in Puerto Rico that
he has a great way with foreigners." I said, "let me think
about it. Who do you think I should get for Secretary of
Defense?" Bill spoke quickly. "I can get you Rickover."
I said "perfect, Hyman Rickover knows the services. He knows
the problems of defense and he doesn't mind taking a lie detector
test (get him immediately)". Bill interrupted, "not Hyman
Rickover, Shirly Rickover. She really needs the job. She's
just the girl for Defense. Her boyfriend was a PFC in Korea
and he's agreed to help her. I said, "let me think about it.
What I really need most of all is a National Security Adviser".
Bill said "Brzezinski". I said, "you mean you can get Zbig
Brzezinski". Bill said "yes". (ANY OF THE ABOVE NAMES CAN
BE CHANGED)

Finally, I came to the conclusion that I did not need a staff.
I would run the Alfalfa presidency the same way I ran the
State Department. Single-handedly.

I would be my own Cabinet as well. Who better to give me a
variety of opinions on any subject than me?

Also, being the only member of my Administration would cut down
on leaks to the press by at least 10%.

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Knowing full well you would want your President to carry your Alfalfa banner proudly I realized quickly I would need visibility. Since you give your President no salary or office or entertainment allowances, drastic action was called for.
I rose to the occasion. Whenever I read in the *Post* of a state dinner, I took the final tour of the day through the White House.
Before the tour ended, I slipped into the ~~men's room~~ adjoining the East Room, opened my attache case, took out my *white tie* and tails and changed close~~ accordingly. It was while doing this on many occasions I deepened my long acquaintance with ~~Richard Allen~~ *Tumey close* George Bush, who was also changing in the *men's room*.

Together, we then joined the invited guests and went through the receiving line. I must say the President always seemed happy to see me. He was most gracious. He also spoke to George Bush, extending his hand to George on more than one occasion, the President said, "hello, Mr. Mayor, how are things in your city?"

As a result of these state dinners I attended, I was able to share your Alfalfa philosophy of government with many world leaders, among them Helmut Schmidt, Menachem Begin, King Hussein, and on many occasions, Frank Sinatra.

Mr. Sinatra was invited back frequently for although Prime Minister Begin is much more fun, he can't carry a tune.

Now I shall list briefly my accomplishments as your President.

I restored dignity to the office of the Alfalfa President, merely by refusing to enter it.

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I reduced the rate of inflation from double-digit to single-digit by simply raising the price of my books to all members of the Federal Reserve Board.

I balanced the budget by signing the largest tax cut in Alfalfa history on the same day I added "revenue enhancement".

To give you some idea of my achievements in economics, after one year of my Administration, Alfalfa is now borrowing from Chrysler.

I further reduced the Alfalfa budget by instituting drastic cuts in welfare and social services and made up for this lost revenue by raising the price of the *Atlantic Monthly* in the West Wing.

And, if further revenue is needed, I plan to put excise taxes on alcohol, gasoline and cigarettes....at the Gridiron Club.

As for Alfalfa's relations with the press, I made every effort to be cooperative. I scheduled a press conference every week during my presidency. And I didn't hold back. I spoke extemporaneously for over an hour at each of these weekly press conferences. Unfortunatley, this did not accomplish anything since nobody ever showed up.....I was alone.....enthralled, but alone.

As for the Alfalfa Supreme Court, I appointed our first woman justice, Elizabeth Ray. We didn't accomplish much in legal terms, but the meetings really flew by.

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As for Alfalfa's relations with the Congress, I have made great strides. While Congress was in session, I met personally with every member of both chambers, which allowed me to visit many of the glamorous spots of the world.

As for our Alfalfa defense program, I assure you we were never stronger. I authorized full development of a neuter bomb which, as you know, destroys only those who cannot make up their minds. This resulted in enormous savings in our budget since it reduced the White House staff* by 50%. (*can be changed to any department)

Elsewhere in our Alfalfa foreign policy the "Camp Henry Accord" is still effective in the mideast where Israel will give us the Sinai on April 25 in return for Illinois on the 24th.

In other areas I reinstituted the policy of detente to bring about a lessening of hostilities between the world's two great superpowers, the United States and the United Nations.

In the matter of entitlement programs, I feel our Alfalfa social security plan, which includes maternity benefits, is a step in the right direction.

As your President I naturally gave considerable thought to the Equal Rights Amendment. I have come to the conclusion that we should give equal rights to women immediately, while there is still snow to be shoveled.

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One of my greatest decisions as your President was regarding the reduction of nuclear arms. Any rational man knows this country is not going to stop adding to our nuclear arsenal as long as the Soviet Union is stockpiling nuclear weapons, and vica versa. Therefore, I have secretly moderated an Alfalfa Arms Agreement in which both the Soviet Union and the United States agree to give up all nuclear destruction weapons and in the cause of world peace, donate them to the Republic of Taiwan.

While I am aware that Alfalfa has no ambition with regard to colonialism, it is also true that no territory can long endure without a strong government. I have, therefore, informed NASA that the next trip of "Columbia" into outer space shall carry a number of Senators to form our government there. Howard Baker has worked very closely with me on this (and has already suggested 48 able men).

But I am not here to talk politics. My role here tonight is to end my term as your Alfalfa President and to turn my office over to a man who, with all of your loyal help and support, will never be able to fill my shoes.

Yes, my friends, sadly tonight I step once more into the role I first entered at the end of the Ford Administration. Once again I shall be a genius in exile.

In introducing my successor, let me say simply, only once in a century comes a man of such wisdom. His light truly illuminates the world. And why my successor would attempt to follow such a

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man is incomprehensible to me....(as it must be to you)

My fellow Alfalfans, I present to you your new President, the
Majority Leader of the United States Senate your, my, and
President Reagan's close personal friend, Mr. Harold Baker.