SYNOPSIS OF SCENES:

ACT I

SCENE I The Santa-Ana Plaza-Panama City. Morning.
SCENE II The Bar of The Tropical Shore. Afternoon of same day.
SCENE III A Street in Panama. Evening of same day.
SCENE IV Yard of Nick's Cottage in Canal Zone. Next morning.
SCENE V The Esplanade-Panama City. Evening of the same day.
SCENE VI The Patio of Admiral Tree's Home.
Following Sunday Afternoon.

ACT II

SCENE I The Santa-Ana Plaza-Panama City. Monday night.
SCENE II Room in a Barn Outside Panama City. Midnight
Monday.
SCENE III A Street in Panama. Next day.
SCENE IV Yard of Nick's Cottage in The Canal Zone.
Wednesday Afternoon.
SCENE V Control House-Canal Zone. Late in same afternoon.
SCENE VI Street in Panama City. Friday Noon.
SCENE VII Patio of Admiral Tree's Home. Friday Afternoon.

*****

# SYNOPSIS OF MUSICAL NUMBERS.

## ACT I.

<table><thead><tr><th></th><th></th></tr></thead><tbody><tr><td>1.</td><td>Opening..................Singing Girls and Boys and Ensemble</td></tr><tr><td>2.</td><td>Join It Right Away........Woozy, Skat and Windy Specialty...Nadine Gae, Louis Hightower, Robert Hightower and Ensemble.</td></tr><tr><td>3.</td><td>Visit Panama....Hattie, 4 Men of Manhattan, Renee Russell and Ensemble. "American Family"...........Janis Carter, Al Downing and June Allyson.</td></tr><tr><td>4.</td><td>My Mother Would Love You...........Hattie and Nick.....</td></tr><tr><td>5.</td><td>I've Still Got My Health...........Hattie and Ensemble.</td></tr><tr><td>6.</td><td>Reprise-I've Still Got My Health Specialty..................Ensemble Cliff Ferre & Miriam Franklin</td></tr><tr><td>7.</td><td>Fresh As A Daisy............Florrie, Skat and Windy.</td></tr><tr><td>8.</td><td>Welcome to Jerry............Singing Girls & Boys & Ensemble Specialty...........Carmen D'Antonio, Louis & Robert Hightower.</td></tr><tr><td>9.</td><td>Let's Be Buddies..................Hattie and Jerry.</td></tr><tr><td>10.</td><td>Specialty......................Mac and Chiquita.</td></tr><tr><td>11.</td><td>I'm Throwing a Ball Tonight...........Hattie and Ensemble Conga...Hattie, Nadine Gae, Louis & Robert Hightower.</td></tr></tbody></table>

## ACT II

<table><thead><tr><th></th><th></th></tr></thead><tbody><tr><td>12.</td><td>Opening....</td></tr><tr><td></td><td>(a) I Detest a Fiesta.....Singing Girls & Boys & Ensemble.</td></tr><tr><td></td><td>(b) Who Would Have Dreamed (Duet)</td></tr><tr><td></td><td>Janis Carter and Lipman Duckat.</td></tr><tr><td>13.</td><td>Make It Another Old-Fashioned Please...........Hattie.</td></tr><tr><td>14.</td><td>All I've Got to Get Now Is My Man......Florrie & Ensemble. Specialty..................Harry Rogue</td></tr><tr><td>15.</td><td>Street Scene Dancer..................Carmen D'Antonio.</td></tr><tr><td></td><td>You Said It..................Hattie, Budd, Woozy, Windy & Skat.</td></tr><tr><td>16.</td><td>Waltz Reprise "Who Would Have Dreamed"?....Nadine Gae Louis and Robert Hightower and Ensemble.</td></tr><tr><td>17.</td><td>Reprise--Let's Be Buddies...........Hattie and Jerry.</td></tr><tr><td>18.</td><td>God Bless the Women............Windy, Woozy and Skat.</td></tr><tr><td>19.</td><td>FINALE..........................ENTIRE COMPANY</td></tr></tbody></table>

********

1-1-3

(SKAT and WINDY ENTER. THEY are two sailors off the S.S.
Idaho)

Skat (Taking in the atmosphere)
Boy, what scenery! And they tell me this is all virgin territory!

Windy
Don't give me that...the Navy goes thru here all the time.

Skat
Oh, I get you.
(A sexy native girl (NANCY CHAPLIN), sidles up next to Skat. SHE hands him a card, and with a "come on" look, EXITS. Looking at him over her shoulder as she goes.)

Windy (To Native girl)
When you get it wound up, set it for seven.
(SKAT reads the card)

Skat
What's it say?
(Reading)
"Betty's Magic Shop. All the latest tricks!

(He scratches his head and looks mystified after girl)
Aw, who cares about that magic stuff...pulling rabbits out of hats!
(HE tosses the card away) (BOTH look at card on floor and make grab for it)

Windy
I'd like to find the magician that made my dough disappear last night. Who'd think a lovely girl like that would take money out of a guy's pocket while he's asleep?

Skat
She was a refined looking girl too...gold teeth and everything.

Windy
That's what made me think she had a lot of money...Where did you wind up last night?

Skat
I was in a beautiful spot, the swankiest place you ever saw. Sort of a Stork Club, with bed-rooms.

Woozy
How are you mates?

Skat
Well, if it ain't Woozy?
Windy
Hey, Woozy, you been out all night, where were you?

Woozy
I was a little tight last night, some dame waved to me from an upstairs window, and I stood at her door step until 6 o'clock this morning.

Windy
Why didn't you go inside?

1-1-4

Woozy

I was waiting for the red light to change.

Skat

Yea, the traffic around here is terrible!

(NATIVE GIRL (LINDA GRIFFITH) comes on stage R. carrying a basket full of fruit on her head)

Windy

(Not seeing her)

What a country! They tell me there are spots down here that no white man has ever set foot on.

Woozy

(Seeing the girl)

I'm not surprised. That's too _good_ to _walk_ on.

(Pulling his elbows back and throwing his chest out calls after the girl)

Hey, there, honey, don't you know it's impolite to point?

(In backing on to the table, bumps, with her derriere, into Woozy's parrot cage. SHE screams and claps her hand to her right hip)

(WOOZY, indignantly)

Hey, get away from there! I don't want that parrot to have that rich food!

Skat

(To Woozy)

I bet you -- didn't promote much foreign trade last night. You didn't have any money.

Skat

(Slaps his arm)

Ouch! Darn those mosquitoes! I got lumps all over me!

1-1-7

reader, when these four young men turn out to be the
QUARTETTE.)

Is your boss around?

First Soldier (GERRY) (To MAC)

Mac
He ain't up yet...Something I can do?

Second Soldier (Haine)
We just want to get his permission to let Hattie come down to
the base and sing for us next week...we're having another one
of those blow outs.

Mac
Listen, you guys don't need the boss's permission for that.
If she wants to sing, she'll sing!

Can we see her?

First Soldier

Mac
Sure. (HE calls up) Hey, Hattie!

Hattie's Voice:
What do you want?
Mac (Calling up)
There's four guys down here to see you!

Hattie's Voice
Only four? I must be slipping! (ALL LAUGH)

Mac
Are you coming down, or do you want me to send them up?

Hattie's Voice
Send them up? That's one slip I'm not going to make!
(HATTIE ENTERS from her quarters above. She is
leading a huge, shaggy crummy looking dog with a
big pink bow around his neck. Hattie is a good
looking self-confident young woman who is not too
well bred, having been educated mainly in the school
of life. She is rowdy and jolly, but her usual good
nature is subject to sudden fits of temper. Though
she is the pet of the army, navy and Marine Corps, they
all realize and respect the fact that as far as Hattie
is concerned, it is all right for laughs. Hattie's
taste in dress is furious. She can't wear all her
clothes at once, but she'd like to. She'd wear two
hats at a time if she could, and she usually rattles
from inexpensive jewelry. As she appears now she is
not dressed up, but later when she is....look out.)

Mac (Pointing to the dog)
Where'd you get the camel?

Hattie
He ain't a camel, he just smells like one. (BOYS laugh)

1-1-9

Who's the lucky guy?
Yes, tell us?

Third Soldier (Daniels)
Four boys

Say, I bet it's Nick Bullett!

Second Soldier

Hattie
You're right. I've been working in this gin mill ever since
I came here three years ago...and I'm going to quit before I
start to look like a rag rug!

You really been here three years?

Second Soldier

First Soldier
What ever made you come down here in the first place?

VISIT PANAMA
(Sung by Hattie, Quartette and Ensemble.)

I felt so glum,
So deadly dumb,
That I'd become
Completely blah,
Until I read
A sign that said,
"Before you're dead,
Visit Panama."

Arriving there,
I took the air,
Though it was fair-
ly late,
Then in the mob,
I spied a gob,
And ob-
viously A Date!

It wasn't hard
To play my card
As it was Mard-
igras,
We met, et-
cetera --
I visited Panama!

REFRAIN:

If away you long to steal
To a real Shangri-la,
If your heart you wish to heal,
Visit Pa-na-na-na-na-ma,
If 'neath the stars you long to dance,
And to a fancy orchestra,
If you're in need of new romance,
Grab your chance.

1-1-10

REFRAIN (Contd)

And scan
Pan-
ama.
Visit Panama,
Visit Panama,
Grab your chance and scan Panama.

(CHORUS ENTER)

(HATTIE, and a family consisting of man, wife and child)

PATTER:

Hattie - - - - If you want to see the city, well lets embark,
On the right is the sight-see-ers fav'rite park,
You can see even more sights after dark.

Family - - - - We've got a bigger one back home.

Hattie - - - - This church on the left is many years old,
There's an altar inside all made of gold.
It's the best church to go to if you want to
catch cold.

Man - - - - - And what's that ruined old portico?

Hattie - - - - Ah, to hear about that you hanker?
Well, it was ruined by Morgan years ago,
I mean the buccaneer, not the banker.

Child - - - - - And look at that broken-down house, mama,
And that poor old lady, so lame!

Hattie - - - - That's the oldest ruin in Panama,
I mean the domicile, not the dame.

Man - - - - - What's that?

Hattie - - - - That's the Tivoli.

Man - - - - - Holy smoke!

Hattie - - - - It's a hotel for so-called gentle folk,
You go in free but you'll come out broke.

Wife - - - - - Just look at those girls covered with paint.
What a curious district, isn't it quaint?

Hattie - - - - That district is restricted, and I'll bet you
ain't,
Got a bigger one back home.

(ALL EXIT on number R. 1st entrance.)

(LEILA TREE, MILDRED and KITTY-BELLE enter stage L.
LEILA is the daughter of a local army officer. She
is young and rather attractive, dressed in the best
of taste for a summer morning in the tropics. LEILA
is the leader of the Canal zone's younger set)

Leila (Throwing it away)

We're getting that orchestra from Mamie Kelly's. It ought to
be fun...we've invited about....

(SHE stops short as she sees someone coming from the
opposite direction. She turns to Kitty-Belle, hesit-
atingly)

Listen, you,/go on ahead....I mean I'll meet you where the
two

1-1-11

car's parked.

Kitty-Belle

Okay, Leila.... (SHE GOES)

(When KITTY-BELLE, MILDRED EXIT. LEILA Xes to the Kiosk to stall until NICK ENTERS. SHE pretends to be buying post-cards. NICK BULLETT ENTERS. NICK, our leading man, is an ex-football player..now working in the Control House on the Panama Canal. He is about thirty years old. NICK is heading for the Tropical Shore when LEILA calls to him.)

Leila

Oh, Nick!

Nick

Hello, Leila.

Leila

Why, Nick! Why aren't you down to the Control House, pushing buttons? I mean the canal must be *paralyzed* without you... I mean, how do the boats go *through*?

Nick

I'm off duty now, Leila, but they seem to manage somehow.

Leila

Yes, and I bet I know just where you're going...I mean I know you're just dying to see Hattie!

Nick

Sure, I'm dying to see her, why not?

Leila

Oh, Nick, she's not the kind of girl for you. I mean, she's not your type...I mean, you should have a nice girl...if you know what I mean?

Nick

Yes, I think I get the general idea,--but to me she's pretty nice.

Leila

Oh, Nick, you're hopeless, I mean you're hopeless, that's all..but you are coming Sunday?

Nick

I can't.

Leila

You can't? How perfectly putrid!

Nick

I've got a date with Hattie Sunday. Of course, I'd come if I could bring *her* along.

1-1-12

Leila

(She hesitates a moment, then, without enthusiasm)
Well, yes, of course. Bring her along. (Xes R)
I mean I think it would be a fine idea!

Thanks.

Nick

Leila

But, Nick...I almost forgot...When does your little girl
arrive?

Nick

This morning. The Boat's coming into the harbor now!

Leila

(With ever so much enthusiasm)
But aren't you just hysterical!! I mean, can you wait?

Nick

I am pretty excited. I haven't seen her since she was a year
old. She was about that high!

Leila

I hope she'll like it here. She's been through so much...
I mean, first her mother dies when she's a baby, and now her
grandmother pops off...poor lamb...only 8 years old and she's
buried everybody in the family already...I mean how perfectly
stinking for her!

Nick

(Distinctly bored)

Leila, I'm sorry, but I have to hurry...

Leila

I know...if my child were coming in, I'd be in a state of
complete collapse! Now don't forget about Sunday, and do bring
what's her name...I mean I'm delighted to have you both.
Your boss will be there and we're having Caviar.

Nick

Cariar?

Leila

Yes, Caviar is what happens during the mating season. The
female salmon lays her eggs and then the male salmon swims
up stream and spawns on them or something. I think it's awful
of us to eat those eggs because then the poor male salmon
has no sex life at all. Goodbye!

(SHE EXITS) (Making a parting joke, she laughs and runs off down stage R. NICK Looks after her for an exasperated second, then turns toward the Tropical Shore. He whistles up to Hattie. HATTIE ENTERS from Tropical Shore.)

Hattie

Well, here I am! I saw you talking to that mouse-trap...
She'd look fine walking around with no teeth!

(Xes L.)

1-1-13

Now, Hattie...

Nick

And that goes for you too...

Hattie

Nick
She's all right. She invited us to a party Sunday.

Me too?

Hattie

Sure. She knows about us.

Nick

Hattie
Well, that's different...are we going?

Nick

Sure. Why not? My boss is going to be there. It's awfully
important for you to meet him - and that might be a good
place to do it.

Okay. Is the boat on time?

Hattie

It's docking now.

Nick

Hattie
What? I'm not ready! (Xes R)

Nick

Look, Hattie, I thought maybe I'd better meet her alone...
You know, I don't know the kid, either.

Hattie
You been writing to each other...

Nick

I know, but that's not the same. I got to sell myself to
her. Soon as I'm sold, I'll bring her over here and you can
have a crack at her.

Hattie
Aw, she'll buy you on sight...who's bringing her?

Nick
The grandmother's butler...

Hattie
Boy, I can't wait to see that kid. If she's anything like
her pictures she's a doll.

Nick
Of course she's a doll. Look at her father.

Hattie
You're not kidding. (Puts her arms around him) Gee, Nick,
I wish she was ours!

1-1-14

Nick

She _is_ ours...you're in for half.

Hattie

(Exasperated)

<u>You</u> know what I _mean_.

Nick

Well, if it comes to that, she'll need a little baby brother
to play with, if you know what I mean?

(She laughs and puts her head on his chest)

Hattie

Say, I got a brand new outfit special to meet her with.

Wait till she sees it. It'll curl her hair!

Nick

She's got curly hair now.

Hattie

Then this outfit will straighten it!

Nick

You know something. I'm really nervous about meeting her.

I'm not kidding. Supposing she didn't like me?

Hattie

Don't be silly! How could anybody help liking you?

(A thought comes to her)

But, say, wouldn't it be awful if she didn't like _me_?

Nick

Don't you worry about that - you're only wonderful, that's all.

NUMBER: <u>MY MOTHER WOULD LOVE YOU.</u>
(Sung by Nick and Hattie)

Verse:

She. Oh, I'll be ridin' high
That perfect day
When you and Love and I
Go sailing away
And I take you back home with me
To meet my fav'rite family,

He. They're the best family yet
And I'm certain, if you met,

1st Refrain:

He. My mother would love you
And so would my sister Sue,
My brother would think the world of you
And you'd make gran'pappy
Slap-happy
Too.
My dozens of cousins
Would all start singin'
If we went swingin'
By.

1-1-16

Woozy
What do you want to make? Whoopie?

Kitty-Belle
No..and go away....
Woozy (Leering flirtatiously)
I got money.
Leila
Who cares about that?
Woozy (Coyly)
I'm pretty...
Leila
You hate yourself, don't you?
Woozy (Shaking his head)
No.
Leila
Well, you should.

(MISS DOWLING comes on in kiosk)

(WINDY and SKAT ENTER. LEILA, sees them with relief.)

SHE beckons to them)

I beg your pardon...but I mean this mast-monkey is annoying
us. Will you please speak to him?

Windy
Sure, lady! (To Woozy) Hey, sailor! You can't annoy these
two ribs. If there's any annoying done around here, we're
going to do it!

Skat
Yea, that's right! If there's any annoying to be done around
here, we'll do it!

Windy (To Leila)
What's cooking? (Brenda)?

Leila (Angrily)
Do you three mops know who I am?

Kitty-Belle
She's Admiral Tree's daughter!

Woozy
Do you know who I am?
(BOY leans over)

No.
Leila
Woozy
Thank God!

Skat
Shut your mouth or you'll be peeling potatoes for the rest of
your life!

Windy (Turns to Leila)
I'm sorry, Miss Tree. We apologize for him. He won't annoy
you no more.

Leila
Neither will you two..or you'll be peeling potatoes on either
side of him.
(LEILA & KITTY-BELLE Exeunt)

1-1-17

Woozy

Why did you have to come along? I was doing good.

Skat

Yeah, you was doing great!

Windy

The Admiral's daughter!

Skat

She would have had your leg sawed off! Now, if you'll give
Windy and me five dollars apiece we'll introduce you to
Florrie.

Woozy

First I gotta get a look at Florrie.

Skat

What's the matter? Don't you trust us?

Woozy

No. Every gal you turn over to me ought to be on a leash.
The last crow you got for me had triboro teeth.

Skit

Triboro teeth?

Woozy

Her bridgework went in three directions.

Windy

Go dig her up, Skat!

Woozy

Dig her up? Is she planted?

(SKAT goes into the Cafe. WINDY leads WOOZY to the kiosk)

Windy

First you get her some flowers....

(Takes a bunch and hands them to Woozy)

(Woozy tries to walk away but Windy stops him, brings
him back to kiosk)

Woozy

How much?

Vender

Forty centavos.

(WOOZY reluctantly puts some small change on the
counter)

Vender

Gracias.

Woozy

Forty cents in the red already.

(Pauses, then, warningly)

If this girl turns out to be a whippet, you better get some
Chili Sauce, cause you're gonna have to eat these.

(Shakes the flowers threateningly under Windy's nose)

(FLORRIE & SKAT ENTER from Cafe.)

1-1-18

Florrie

How're you, Windy? (Indicating Woozy)

Windy (Introducing)

Florrie...Woozy...Woozy, Florrie!

Skat (To Florrie)

I told you we had a surprise for you.

Florrie

He's not a surprise...he's a shock!

Woozy

(His face lights up with a big grin. He hands Windy
ten dollars)

There's the down payment!

(Woozy Xes to her and hands her flowers. She takes
them)

What do you say, kid, you wanna go steady?

Florrie (Violently)

NO!

Windy

That courtship is over!

(WOOZY snatches the flowers violently away from her.
He throws Windy to the ground, sits across his chest,
and takes the ten dollars out of his breast pocket.
He gets up)

Woozy

(Dusting his uniform with the flowers)
Now we start all over.

(HATTIE ENTERS from upstairs primping proudly.
Now she is dressed in that new outfit. She is covered
with bows, ribbons, spangles, fringe, bracelets,
and plumes. WINDY & SKAT see her with delight)

Skat

Hattie!

Windy

Well, if it ain't...!

Florrie (With admiration)

Honey, you're a dream!

Hattie

Do you like it?

Florrie

You look wonderful!

(HATTIE walks proudly to display her finery)

1-1-19

Woozy

How about that one?

(HE holds out the ten dollars to Windy and nudges him to get busy with the formalities. WINDY takes it)

Windy

Hattie..Woozy..Woozy, Hattie!

Hattie (Looking at Woozy)

I see you boys are bringing them back alive!

Woozy

(Handing Hattie the flowers)

How's about you and me tip-toeing through the tulips?

Hattie

Sorry, Zombie, I'm engaged!

Woozy

Here we go again!

(WOOZY snatches the flowers back....throws Windy to the ground,sits across his chest and takes the ten dollars out of his breast pocket. HE gets up again)

Hattie

Look, you kiddies, take your pails and shovels and play some place else, will you? Things are about to happen around here.

Skat

Okay, Hattie. See you later.

Woozy (Going.A After wrestling around with him)

You guys I lost my Phi Beta Kappa key.

(THE THREE EXIT)

Hattie

(Indicating her outfit)

Do you really like the production? Ain't this a three alarm fire?

Florrie

Honey, you look like Mrs. Florrie Gordon! You wanna wear my bracelets?

Hattie

I'd love to, but I haven't got room for 'em!

Florrie

(Looking her over, critically)

Don't you think the ear-rings are a little too much?

Hattie

Don't be a chump! I wish I had four ears! I don't know what this kid is used to; but I bet she ain't used to nothing like this!

1-1-20

Florrie

When she gets a load of you, you'll be able to knock her eyes off with a stick!

Hattie

Well, I'm glad. I went to an awful lot of trouble, but it's worth it if she likes it...Do you think I ought to meet them here or make an entrance?

Florrie

(Seeing off)

If you're going to make an entrance you better beat it, cause here they come...

Hattie

Okay...

(HATTIE goes into Cafe. GERALDINE, NICK and the butler, Vivien Budd, enter. GERALDINE is a beautiful, well-bred child of about eight. She is dressed charmingly. VIVIEN BUDD, is the family servant, British and typical)

MUSIC IN ORCHESTRA

Nick

Jerry, this is the Santa Ana Plaza...the most important square in town. How do you like it?

Jerry

Oh! It's beautiful! I've never seen a place that looked so little like Philadelphia!

Nick

What other places have you seen?

Jerry

Just Philadelphia. We live just outside of Philadelphia.

Budd

An ideal place to live just outside of.

Jerry

Daddy, do we live in one of these houses?

Nick

No. We have a nice little cottage in the Zone. I just wanted to stop here a minute.

(He turns and sees Florrie)

Come here, Florrie. Jerry, I want you to meet Aunt Florrie.

Jerry (With curtsey)

How do you do?

Florrie

(A little awed by the courtsey)

Pleased to meet you.

Jerry

Thank you.

1-1-21

Florrie (Looking at Bud)
And I'd be pleased to meet you, too!

Thank you, miss.

Florrie, where's Hattie?

Here I am, big boy.

Now, Jerry, I want you to meet the sweetest girl in Panama
City.. Miss Hattie Maloney...

Hattie
And this is little Geraldine... Honey, you're a darling...
(She Xes to Jerry)
(JERRY looks at Hattie, in complete amazement, then
bursts into peals of laughter. HATTIE is floored at this
reception)

What's the gag?--

Jerry (Innocently)
Oh, I'm going to like you... I like people who dress up funny.

Hey... wait a minute...

Budd (Gently)
Yes, dear. Wait a minute. Perhaps the lady lost a bet.

Hattie
(Outraged to Budd)
Listen, scuttle-puss, one more crack out of you, and I'll deposit you in that bank over there!

(JERRY laughs)

Jerry
Daddy, that's the funniest lady! She talks English, but I
can't understand a word she says!

Hattie
Oh, now I talk funny! Well, see if you can understand this,
you little... (Crosses R. to Jerry)

Nick
(Interrupting her)
Now, take it easy, Hattie!...

Hattie
What do you mean, take it easy?... Here I blow three weeks' pay to make an impression, and what do I get for it?... the Gong!

(Xes Right)

Nick
She didn't mean any harm. (To Jerry) Honey, you should apologize to the lady!

1-1-22

Jerry (Sincerely)

I'm very sorry, Miss Maloney...I didn't mean to hurt your
feelings, but I just couldn't believe that those were your
serious clothes!

Hattie (Excitedly)

There she goes again!

Budd (Politely)

Madame, perhaps if you removed your hat...?

Hattie

Listen, you're a butler, ain't you?
(HE nods)

Well, just Butt...

Nick

Yes,...relax, Bud. (To Jerry) Now, tell the lady you're sorry
...and don't put anything else on the end of it.

Jerry

Honestly, I'm very sorry.
(She starts to laugh again. Xes L. to Budd)

Hattie (With wild rage)

GET HER OUT OF HERE!

Nick

(Trying to pacify her)
Aw, wait now, you two ought to get together.

Hattie

If we get together it'll take a **crow-bar** to separate us.

Nick

Don't get sore, Hattie, she's only a kid. When she sees
something funny, she just laughs...

Hattie (Furiously)

Oh, so you think I look funny now! Well, you can get out of
here too!

Nick

Hattie, you know I don't think you look funny.

Jerry

(With innocent surprise)
Don't you, daddy?

Hattie (In a new rage)

If you don't get that little muzzler out of here, I'll dip her
in the canal!

Nick

But, Hattie...!

Hattie

Hattie, my eye! Get out of here...BOTH OF YOU!!

1-1-23

Budd (With a bow)
Madame, it's like a reprieve from the Governor...Come, Miss Geraldine!...

(BUDD takes Jerry's hand and starts to lead her out)

Jerry
Storkey, what's a muzzler?

Budd
If you're a democrat, you think a Republican is, and vice versa. (BUDD & JERRY EXEUNT)

Nick (Xes R. to Hattie)
Look, Hattie, I know this looks awfully bad, but it'll work out.

Hattie
Will you leave me alone?...
Nick
I don't want to leave you feeling like this...

Hattie
Never mind how I feel! Just leave me alone!

Nick (Reluctantly)
Okay...I'll see you later...
(NICK EXITS)

Hattie
Damn it! Damn everything! Damn everybody!

Florrie
Don't feel bad, honey!

Hattie
Who feels bad? I feel great! I don't need anybody...I got along this far, didn't I? Well, I'll get along the rest of the way. Take this, I don't care, what you do with it.

(Gives umbrella to Florrie)

Florrie
I don't know what you mean?

(NOTE: The first line of the LYRIC should be read as a speech. She starts to sing on the second line.)

(Sung by HATTIE and ENSEMBLE)

Last Verse:

I'VE STILL GOT MY HEALTH.

Hattie.

CLOSE IN:

I wasn't born to stately halls
Of Alabaster,
I haven't given many balls
For Missus Astor
But all the same, I'm in the pink,
My constitution's made of zinc
And you never have to give this goil
Oil Castor.

1-1-24

1st REFRAIN:

I'm always a flop at a top-notch affair,
I've still got my health, so what do I care!
My best ring, alas, is a glass solitaire,
I've still got my health, so what do I care!
By fashion and fopp'ry
I'm never discussed,
Attending the op'ry,
My box would be a bust!
When I give a tea, Lucius Beebe ain't there,
Well, I've still got my health, so what do I
care!

2nd REFRAIN:

No rich Vanderbilt gives me gilt underwear,
I've still got my health so what do I care!
I've never been dined by refined L.B. Mayer
I've still got my health, so what do I care!
When Barrymore, he played
With his wife of yore,
The lead, Missus B played,
But I played Barrymore,
Elaine kicked me out,
With a clout, you know where,
Well, I've still got my health, so what do I
care!

(CHORUS ENTER)

3rd Refrain: New Chorus:

INSTRUMENTAL UNTIL

ENSEMBLE: She never will have that Park Avenue air,

HATTIE: But why should I weep?
Or toss in my sleep.

'Cause, I've still got my health, so what do I
care!

Verse before 4th refrain:

In spite of my Lux Movie skin
And Brewster body,
I've never joined the harem in
Scheherazade,
But, if so far, I've been a bust,
I'm stronger than the Banker's Trust
And you never have to give _this_ one
Hunyadi.

New Verse before 4th refrain:

When on Broadway I tried to shine,
The Press was catty,
They all agreed I'd be divine
In Cincinnati.
But If I laid an awful egg
I'm still as hot as Mayor Hague,
So in case you want to start a fire,
Wire Hattie.

1-1-25

4th REFRAIN:

The hip that I shake doesn't make the people stare,
I've still got my health, so what do I care!
The sight of my props never stops thoroughfare,
I've still got my health, so what do I care!
I knew I was slipping
At Minsky's one dawn,
When I started stripping,
They hollered "Put it on!"
Just once Billy Rose let me pose in the bare,
Well, I've still got my Vitamin A,B,C,D,
E,F,G,H,
I,
Still have my
Health.

(After Number, ENSEMBLE EXITS. The music continues. HATTIE, sits down at one of the down stage tables in front of the Tropical Shore. Alone now, she looks depressed. After holding the expression for a moment, she drops her head on her arm...)

(CLOSE IN)

(BEFORE THE TRAVELLER....HEALTH DANCE BY ENSEMBLE)

END OF ACT I SCENE I

******

1-2-26

## ACT I

### SCENE II

THE BAR AT THE TROPICAL SHORE.
(Set in two and a half)

The set shows a corner of what probably
is a long bar, so when Hattie sits at the
corner of the bar, she faces the audience.
It is dimly lit, and decorated in the manner
of most tropical bars with palm leaves, star
fish, bamboo, cactus and gourds. It is a
well seasoned, not newly decorated nor
smart spot; but it has color, atmosphere,
and looks conducive to drinking. There is a
large slot machine stage R. MAC, the bar-
tender, is in attendance.

It is about 5 P.M.

WOOZY is seated at the bar. HE has a Cuba
libre in front of him.

Woozy (To MAC)

This chief P.O. of course is the dummest guy you ever saw...
We're in Kelly's a coupla nights ago, and a dame is out on
the floor doing the "bumps".

(He gets up and illustrates)

She's givin' one over here,

(He bumps)

and she's givin' one over there,

(He bumps)

and just as she gives out a good one, a cannon goes off out in
the harbor... This here P.O. jumps, and says: "What was that?"

I says: "Target practice." And he says: "Well, tell her not to
point it this way!"

(HE laughs, but MAC Doesn't)

What's the matter, ain't it funny?

Mac

Yeah, it's funny, but I'm worried..

Woozy

What about?

Mac

Hattie's drinking today, and she hasn't had a drink in over a
year. That can mean any kind of trouble!

(A WAITER (AL DOWLING) enters)

Waiter

Another double Cubalibra for Hattie....

Woozy

I'll have the same!

Mac

I tell you, I'm worried about Hattie...

1-2-28

quietly. HE takes a dollar from his wallet)

Budd (To Mac)

Give me four quarters, please.

(MAC gives him the change. BUDD rises, goes to machine, tries a quarter with no success. HE returns to his seat. He looks over at Woozy intently as he finishes his drink. WOOZY gets up, and starts for the machine again. Quickly, BUDD gets up and beats WOOZY to it. He puts in another one, nothing happens. He puts in another quarter and nothing happens. BUDD stands there and looks at the machine bewildered.)

(WOOZY comes over)

Woozy

Finished?

Budd

Yes.

(WOOZY deposits a quarter and wins eight. With in-difference WOOZY returns to his seat. BUDD scrutinizes the machine from every angle--trying to fathom its eccentricities. BUDD ventures two more quarters with no success. WOOZY Yes to him again)

Woozy

Want to try another?

Budd

No. I'm finished.

Woozy

Go ahead, try another....

Budd

No. I'm finished.

Woozy

Sure?

Budd

Definitely.

(WOOZY puts another quarter in slot. HE wins jack pot. HE scoops the money into his hat)

What a poisonous person!

(WAITER comes in again and goes to Mac)

Waiter

Another Cubalibra for Hattie.

Woozy

Same for me..at this rate she won't have to drink next year, either.

Mac (MAKING IT)

Something must be the matter...this ain't like Hattie.. (HE gives it to Waiter, who EXITS)

Woozy

Are you from London?

(BUDD takes no notice)

1-2-29

Woozy (Contd)

Hey! Are you from London
(Slaps BUDD on shoulder)

Budd

Don't do that!

Are you from London?...      Woozy

What?                          Budd

Are you from London?          Woozy

Yes-ss.                       Budd

I've been there onct.          Woozy

What?                          Budd

I said I've been there onct.    Woozy

Just say once...that's all.      Budd

Onct..that's all.               Woozy

No, just do this...say once
(Puts hand over mouth)         Budd

Onct.                          Budd

(Puts his hand over Budd's mouth)

Budd
Not my mouth...your mouth...Just do this..just say once...

(Puts hand over his mouth)

and stop!                      Woozy
Once...

(Puts hand over mouth. Takes it away and "t" comes out)
I did it, eh?                   Budd

Where's the gentleman's lounge? (To Mac)

Mac
If I understand you, it's there.

(Indicates a door.BUDD exits into it. THREE WESTERN
UNION MESSENGER BOYS enter Go to Mac)

Messenger
The clerk at the hotel says there's a Mr.Vivien Budd here?

Mac
Must be the guy that just went in there.

(THREE MESSENGER BOYS Traipse in, one behind the
other. There is very slight pause; then, from the
"Johnnie", we hear:)

1-2-30

(MESSENGER BOYS. Trees- Riley--Skipper)

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR VIVIEN!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

(The Messenger boys file out and exit. BUDD returns)

Budd
(A bit nonplussed and slightly amused)
My, what a quaint American custom!
(Xes back to bar, picks up drink; looks at Woozy.)
(Goes stage L., and sits at table)

Waiter
(ENTERING, to Mac)
Another Cubalibra for Hattie...
Woozy
I'll take the same.

Mac (To Waiter)
Listen, Pete, you go back and tell Hattie that Mac says
for her to take it easy and skip this round!
(MAC prepares another drink for Woozy)
(SKAT & WINDY ENTER with one local B GIRL (GRIFFITH)
in tow. THEY have ropes of beads around their necks,
and leis)

Skat
This barter system is really okay... Look at the stuff we
got. Take a letter to Cordell Hull!

Woozy
What HAVE you got to trade?
Windy
Cigars, cigarettes, balloons and a Hoover collar.

Woozy
You can get the New York Yankees for that....

Skat (To Budd)
What are you, mister?
Windy
Yeah. How about you?
(THEY slap him on the back)

Budd
Don't do that!
Windy
Do you believe in the Barter system?

1-2-31

Budd

I did onct!

(BUDD re-acts with disgust)

Windy

No business here. Let's try the dance hall?

(They exit)

Woozy

Hey, Windy, where'd you get the dame?

Windy

Down at the Plaza. She weaves rugs and baskets...

(To Girl)

Weave for the gentleman, baby!

(Miss Panama does a grind)

That's enough! I don't want you to wear yourself out.

Skat

She don't speak English, but you'll never miss it.

Windy

She's so democratic she's got every state in the Union
tattooed on her body...

(She grinds again)

Woozy

What's she trying to do now?

Windy

She's trying to swing Maine and Vermont!

(The three exit. SKAT & WINDY doing auctioneer's chant)

(WINDY & SKAT give the auctioneer's chant and exit with the girl. Record starts)

(HATTIE ENTERS. She is wearing a sweater and skirt.
She is pretty tight, as she stands weaving slightly
in the doorway)

Hattie

(To Mac, testily)

Listen, you...!

Mac

(Alarmed)

Take it easy, Hattie!

1-2-32

Hattie

When I send down for sumpin' I expect 'im to bring up sumpin' --not a lot of bum advice. A lady is entitled to service around here and I'm a lady.

(She burps)

Budd

The accoustics are good here!

(HATTIE sees BUDD seated at the table. She has a little difficulty focusing her eyes on him)

Hattie

You're either Scuttle-Puss, the butler, or his twin brother and I don't like either one of you.

Budd

This is the beginning of a very obnoxious friendship!

Hattie

Listen, never mind the fancy remarks. One more wise-crack out of you and you'll be wearing this cuspidor as a snood!

Woozy (Hits table)

Oh, I like that!

(HATTIE chuckles a little)

(HATTIE loses her interest in Budd)

Hattie

Where's my drink?

Mac

Listen, Hattie. You can't drink up all the rum in Panama!

(HATTIE sits at the bar, suddenly dejected. WOOZY, BUDD and MAC listen to her attentively throughout)

Hattie

Well, I've got a beef.

(MAC gives her drink)

I mean a real beef.

Woozy

Unload it, Hattie. It'll do you good!

Hattie

You know, I loved that Nick...guess I still do...but it's all over.

(With a mirthless chuckle)

Imagine my big romance...wrecked by an eight year old, Schiaparelli!

Woozy (Sympathetically)

Them Greek kids is murder.

(MAC has fixed Hattie a drink and puts it before her)

1-3-34

## ACT I

### SCENE III

A STREET IN PANAMA CITY.

(A DROP IN ONE)

FLORRIE ENTERS WITH SKAT AND WINDY.

Skat

All right, this is enough of this... Before we go any further
I want to know which one of us you're with.

Windy

Yes, before I borrow any dough, I want to know if I'm gonna
spend it on his girl.

Florrie

Listen, when you spend money on me, it's not an invention,
it's a speculation.

Skat (Xes R)

What does that mean?

Florrie

All you get is the use of the hall, and a firm handshake at
the door....

Skat

I don't get it.

Florrie (Xes L)

Why don't you two gobs cancel your conscriptions and go back
to Brooklyn?

Windy

Brooklyn ain't there any more...the sharks ate it.

Skat

Hey, Florrie, what's the idea of the brush off?

Florrie (X.L)

Well, an English muffin got off the boat today, and boys,
the heart left the body!

Skat

How come you going for the little kid's chambermaid?

Windy

You mean that English droop with the English drape?

Florrie

Wait a minute, boys, you don't know what this guys' done for
me.

NUMBER:

1-4-37

(THE NATIVES go into a dance of jubilation.
A prop pig is handed to BUDD who exits with same) (During
Dance JERRY & NICKare on the porch to watch the dancing.
At the end of the number the CHORUS exits. NICK and JERRY
come on the stage Center)

Nick
Think you're going to like Panama?

Jerry
(With a shade of doubt in her voice)

Ye-es...

Nick (Mimicking her)

What do you mean, "Ye-es?"

Jerry (Timidly)
Daddy, if I tell you something, will you promise not to be
jealous?

Jealous?

Nick

Jerry

Don't let Storky go back to Philadelphia. Make him stay here with us.

Nick
(Kidding gently, sits)
Oh, you like Storky better than you do me, eh?

Jerry
No, it isn't that...it's just that...well, we grew up
together.
(BUDD enters from the house. JERRY runs to him and takes
his hand)

Budd
I beg your pardon, sir!

Jerry
Oh, Storky!

Budd

Hello, darling. But as my boat sails in an hour...I should like to speak to you, if I may?

Nick (Rises)
Sure, Budd, what's on your mind?

Budd
It's about going, sir. I don't want to. And I was wondering
if you could see your way clear to keep me on?

Nick
But I can't afford a butler!

Budd
Oh, the *price* would be right, sir.

Nick
What would the price be?

1-4-38

Budd (Xes R.)

Well, sir... I'd do all the housekeeping, the cooking, take care of your things, and Miss Geraldine's...and I'D PAY YOU five dollars a week for my room and board.

Nick

YOU'D PAY ME??? (HE laughs)

Budd (Unemotionally)

Yes. I've saved a bit of money, I know I won't be happy away from Miss Geraldine, because...well...dash it all, sir, I love her!

(JERRY takes Budd's hand)

Jerry

(Runs to Storky)

Nick

Well, that's good enough for me, Budd, you stay!

Jerry

(Running to NICK)

Oh, daddy!!

Nick

We'll work out the terms later.

Budd

Thank you, sir. Will that be all, sir?

Nick

Yes.

(BUDD starts toward the house. NICK calls after him)

Oh, just a minute, Budd. If you're going to be with us, I might as well know your name? I know it can't be Storky.

Budd

Oh, no, sir. Miss Geraldine calls me that.

(Points to his legs)

The legs, you know.

Nick

I've been calling you Bud...What will I call you?

Budd (Succinctly)

BUDD...(BUDD goes into house)

Nick (To Jerry)

But what is his name?

Jerry

Budd..Mr. Vivien Budd...

(She laughs)

(NICK takes her by the hand, sits down and sits JERRY on the table)

Nick

(Lifts Jerry on table)

Now, look, honey...I'm sure you're not the kind of little girl who would do anything to make anybody unhappy?

1-4-39

Jerry

I try not to.

Nick

I'm sure you do...I want everybody to like you, and I want
you to like everybody. There's one person in particular that
I want you to like, for a very special reason.

Jerry

But I do. I like everybody I've met in Panama...except that
awful lady with the funnyclothes.

Nick (Antagonistically)

Now wait a minute....

(He controls himself and speaks gently)

Now, darling, that isn't kind. It doesn't matter how
good people are on the outside...it's how good they are inside
that counts.

(He touches his heart)

And Hattie is all good inside.

Jerry

I wish it would show a little more on the outside!

Nick

(Trying to be calm)

Now wait a minute.

Jerry

But, daddy, Granny said that nice people don't raise their
voices.

Nick (Quieter)

But, sometimes...sometimes a lady gets excited...and, well,
she forgets herself!

Jerry

Granny said a lady never forgets herself!

Nick

Oh, Granny gives me a pain in....

Jerry (Reprovingly)

Ah! Ah! Granny's dead, daddy!

Nick

Yes, but her memory lingers on. (GETS UP)

(BUDD ENTERS carrying a small box and two pairs of
scissors. NICK turns on him, still angry from losing
the argument. ) (Testily)

What do you want?

Budd

Nothing, sir, but this is the time Miss Geraldine and I usually
cut our paper dolls. (Xes.R. to table)

Nick

I thought you were crazy when you offered to work for nothing!

1-4-40

Budd

Yes, sir, thank you, sir, may I get another pair of scissors
for you?

Nick

No. I'll go in and get a razor for my throat!
(NICK EXITS)

Buddy

Very good, sir.

Jerry (Gets down from table)

You know, Storky, I don't think Daddy is as happy as he might
be!

Budd

(Sitting on the other chair across the table from her)

Now let's see. Where were we last time...I know. We were
just cutting out little Gloria's party dress.

(He takes up scissors and starts to cut)

Jerry (Cutting carefully)

I'm cutting Gloria's mother. Is it all right if Gloria's
mother hasn't got any right ear...?

Budd (His scissors slips)

I hope so...because her daughter hasn't got any head!

(FLORRIE enters)

Jerry

Oh, Storky!

(As Florrie enters; she looks around and with a double-
take, she sees BUDD cutting paper dolls)

Florrie (Seems amazed)

Paper dolls? I thought only prize fighters did that!

(BUDD jumps up. JERRY turns to her with a smile)

Budd (Rises)

Good morning!

Jerry

Good morning, Aunt Florrie.

Florrie

Hello, honey. do you want to do something for Aunt Florrie?

Jerry (Rising)

-Of course.

Florrie

Would you hop inside and ask your daddy to come out?

Jerry

Certainly. (JERRY runs into house calling) Daddy!

(Florrie moves over to BUDD and flashes her eyes at
him. Flirtatiously)

Budd (Xes L)

Excuse me, miss..

1-4-41

Florrie (Coyly)

Just a minute I want to ask you something.

Budd

Yes, miss?

Florrie

How's your mother?

Budd

My mother has the constitution of a boa constrictor...and
yours?

Florrie

I think you're a dream boat?!

Budd

(Modestly)

Well, I may be a bit of a skiff--I say did you hear that?

Florrie

I took to you right away. I could see you was a gentleman.
I always wanted to go around with a gentleman.

Budd (Mildly puzzled)

Around what, miss?

Florrie

Oh, just around...you know, from joint to joint...

Budd

You don't want a gentleman ?

Florrie

Don't tell me what I want! I know!

(SHE walks up to him. As a dentist would say it)

Now this may hurt a little...

(Jumps and straddles BUDD. BUDD picks her up and
brings her to table R.)

(SHE plants a big kiss square on his mouth. NICK enters in time to see it. THEY separate, and look embarrassed)

Nick (Smiling)

Budd, you're certainly a handy man to have around the house.

Budd (Bowing politely)

I beg your pardon, sir?

(Exits house)

Nick

Hello, Florrie...

(Goes around table and exits upper L)

Florrie

Hattie's here. She wants to see you.

Nick (Delighted)

Great! Where is she?

Florrie

(Indicating off stage)

-Out there...

1-4-42

Florrie (Contd)

(She calls off)

Oh, Hattie!

(To NICK)

Be nice to her, now Nick! She's got a hell of a hangover!
I'll wait inside.)

(Exits up stage L. into house)

(FLORRIE as she goes, in pantomime, spits on her hands
rubs them together and goes into house. HATTIE ENTERS
from up stage. NICK goes to her, and takes her in his
arms. HATTIE, is dressed in a day costume, which, though
not quite as elaborate as her "Welcome to Panama"
outfit, is bright enough with bows and flowers.

(This dress should be so designed, that by the elimina-
tion of a few garish touches, it can be an attractive
costume)

Nick

Gee, it was darned swell of you to come here, Hattie!

Hattie

You *know* I don't give up without a *fight*!

Nick

I stopped by to see you last night, but they told me you
weren't working.

Hattie

All I worked last night was my right elbow....

Nick

I know, and the whole thing's my fault.

Hattie

No. I should be smart enough to know that rum's no solution
to *any* trouble. Now I got to go through the whole thing
anyway, and I feel like I could scratch my head way out here!

(SHE makes the gesture of scratching her head about a
foot and a half away from her head)

Nick

I'm going to call Jerry and stick right here with you till
you two get straightened out!

Hattie

I'd rather see her by myself...If she insults me again; I
don't want you listening...you might get to think *she's*
right.

Nick

Okay honey. You're the doctor!

Hattie (Nervously)

How do I look? This is the simplest dress I've got.

1-4-43

Nick

Honey, you always look wonderful to me! Wait a minute I'll
call Jerry.

Nick

(Calling in)

Oh, Jerry, come out a minute!

(Goes back to Hattie)

If she starts quoting her grandmother, watch it. She's
dead, you know.

(JERRY runs out of the house. SHE stops short when she
sees Hattie. NICK goes to her)

Nick (Apprehensively)

Hattie, wants to talk to you dear. Now, remember, what your
grandmother said. Be a gentleman!

Jerry

Yes, daddy!

(NICK exits into the house. HATTIE XES to JERRY)

Hattie (With humility)

Now, look - honey...when we met yesterday I think we both got
a little out of line.

Jerry (Innocently)

What does "out of line", mean?

Hattie

I mean we both kinda got off on the wrong foot...I've got a
bad temper and I blew up!

Jerry (Innocently)

You "blew up"?

Hattie

(Controlling herself, with great fortitude.)

I lost my temper, and I'm sorry...

(JERRY looks at her, patiently)

But you weren't any geranium yourself..You must know it
isn't nice to laugh at people!

Jerry

(Explaining it simply)

I didn't know that you didn't know how funny you looked!

Hattie

(Burning a little)

A hundred and eighty-four bucks to get a laugh! You think I
blew my topper?

(Jerry looks toward the house uneasily)

All right...all right...I'm sorry...but tell me something...

Is there anything the matter with me that can't be fixed?

Jerry (Simply)

I don't think so...you have a very pretty face.

1-4-44

Hattie (Heartened)

Well, now you're _talking_....But I guess you don't like _this_
dress either...

Jerry
(Shaking her head)

Uh-uh.

Hattie
What's wrong with it?

Jerry
I'll show you.
(She Xes to the table and picks up a paper doll and
shows it to Hattie)

Now this is Gloria's mother's party dress. Isn't it pretty?

Hattie (Humoring her)
Yes, it's beautiful!

Jerry
You could look as beautiful as that...even in that dress.
(Goes back to table)

Hattie
Thought you didn't _like_ this dress?

Jerry
I don't, but I could fix it.
(Takes scissors, she holds the scissors behind her back)

Hattie
(Still humoring her)

Go ahead....
(JERRY picks the most offensive bows, and snips it off
with the scissors, and puts it on the table. HATTIE
pulls away in alarm)

Hey! Wait a minute!

Jerry (Patiently)
You can sew them on again if you want to...
(Cuts the rest of the bows in front of dress and brings
back to table)

Hattie
Okay, are you through?

Jerry
(Shaking her head)

Uh-uh!

Hattie
All right. Give me the works !
(Goes to her)
(JERRY cuts off all the unnecessary and gaudy trimmings
from back, puts it on table)

1-4-45

Hattie

(Alarmed)

Hey, watch it back there!...I think I feel a draught!
(JERRY comes round again and looks Hattie over critically)

Well, are you finished now?

Jerry

Yes...oh,no!....

(She bends down and cuts the big bows off Hattie's shoes; puts them on the table)

Hattie

(With resignation)

My twelve dollar shoes!

(JERRY stands off and surveys her job)

Jerry

Would you mind taking off all those bracelets?

Hattie

(Starting to take them off)

Can't I just wear six of them?

Jerry

(Shaking her head)

Uh-uh.

(HATTIE reluctantly takes them off. JERRY takes them from her. Puts them on table)

Jerry

Now don't you feel better-?

Hattie

I never felt so naked in a bathtub.

(Looks at dress. The dress with trimmings removed; turns out to be a smart and dignified frock)

Now do I look like a lady?

Jerry

Yes..like a beautiful lady.

Hattie (Amazed)

REELY!

Jerry

Cross my heart.

Hattie

Say, you worry me! (Xes right and sits at the table)

You might have something...maybe you ought to come up and cut some of the stuff off the dress I'm going to wear at the party Sunday. I'm going to meet your daddy's boss. I gotta make a good impression.

1-4-46

Jerry

If you look like this, and don't say those funny words...

Hattie

You're jamming me up now, 'cause I don't know which ones
are funny.

Jerry (Timidly)

Maybe if you just didn't talk much...and if you do talk,
talk mostly to Daddy...

Hattie

Now you get me worried...

(Gets up and Xes L.)

I gotta say something to the boss when I meet him, I can't
just stand there like I'm s tuffed.

Jerry

Well, when the new Minister called on Granny the first time.

I remember he said, "This is an occasion of great pleasure
to me."

Hattie

(Helplessly to no one)

Now I gotta talk like a minister.

Jerry

He had lovely manners.

Hattie

Okay...I'll say it...how does it go again?

Jerry

This is an occasion of great pleasure to me!

Hattie (Repeats it)

This is an occasion of great pleasure to me...I got it!

Jerry

Let's play I'm the boss. Now you come in and say it to me.

(Hattie walks away a few paces and makes an entrance;
bouncing slightly)

Wait a minute, could you just walk plain?

Hattie

What do you mean, walk plain?

Jerry

Well...just plain...without the bouncing...

Hattie

Sure, I can walk that way but I don't feel as important.

1-4-47

Jerry
Go back and try it again!
(HATTIE walks again simply)
(As the boss)
Nice of you to come, Miss Maloney.

Hattie
This here is an occasion of great pleasure to me!

Jerry
That's fine, except don't say "This here..."

Hattie
I get it. No here. This is an occasion of great pleasure
to me.

Jerry
(Delighted, goes to Hattie)
Oh, that's wonderful! You'll be a lovely lady in no time!

Hattie
(Thrilled and grateful)
Gee, you know something...?
(Goes down on one knee)
You're the best mother a girl ever had!

"WHAT SAY LET'S BE BUDDIES" SONG:

(Hattie to Jerry)
Verse:

Hattie:
Jerry: )
Hattie: )

I get awful gloomy,
You mean, very gloomy.

Very gloomy, now and then, in this town.
'Cause it's always so hard
to find a real pard

(At this point we close in to change for the Esplanade
Scene. Rest of the number is done in front of Traveler)
Who'll play in your yard
When you're down...
But since the talk you and me,
I means, you and I have had.
I've got a good friend, I see.

Jerry: Well, I'm not so very bad.

REFRAIN:
What say, let's be buddies,
What say, let's be pals,
What say, let's be buddies,
And keep up each other's morales.
I may never shout it,
But many's the time, I'm blue,
What say, how's about it?
Can't I be a buddy to you?

1-5-49

## ACT I

### SCENE V.

THE ESPLANADE, PANAMA CITY. Night.
(Set in 2 1/2).

The Esplanade represents a sidewalk promenade along the banks of the Bay of Panama. The Promenade occupies the space in one running from stage R. to stage L. At the rear of the promenade running R. to L. is a stone wall about four feet high separating the promenade from the bay. Beyond the wall, we see the bay, and a portion of the shore line as it curves outlining it. On the shore line, lights can be seen, as well as the lights coming from the canal Zone. There are three benches equally distant from each other, suggesting that the entire walk is equipped with them. There is a refuse can next to the bench stage R.

### DISCOVERED:

MILDRED and STRANGER are discovered on the bench R. Stage at rise of curtain.

**Mildred**

I'll have to go now. Leila Tree is having people over for Bridge and I promised to help out.

**Stranger**

All right, Mildred. Go ahead. I'll see you tomorrow.

(SHE exits)

(SKAT and WINDY enter strolling along the promenade)

**Windy**

Come on, let's sit down a minute.
right in Ann Sheridan's face!

I'm so tired I could yawn

(THEY sit on the bench stage L.)

**Windy**

Florrie won't be in the park tonight. She wouldn't take that English trumpet out in the open...Five'll get you twenny she's got him dancin' some place...swingin' him around, and looking up into those big, blood-shot eyes.

(SECOND STRANGER ENTERS)

Windy (To Skat)

Have you got a cigarette?

Skat

Yes, you got a match?

1-5-50

(SKAT takes out a pack of cigarettes, offers one to Windy and takes one himself. WINDY lights a match, etc. During this business 2nd Stranger has entered. HE is dressed in a dark suit and hat. HE looks around, furtively, and sits down on the bench stage R. HE sees the first Stranger, and goes to him. They talk inaudibly, but with ominous seriousness. SKAT & WINDY look over at them, suspiciously.)

Windy

Can you imagine that big barnacle getting in yesterday, and grabbing Florrie right off our laps?

Skat

That guy's really asking for a hot foot! And am I the kid that can give it to him!

(Whispering)

Hey, they look like a coupla spies!

Windy

Ah, everybody looks like a coupla spies to you. The last spy you tranced down, turned out to be the Governor of Panama.

Skat

Lemme alone. I got a personal interest in keeping this country out of war...

(Business passing paper)

.....Look...Look...He's slipping him a piece of paper...bet it's code.

(THE FIRST STRANGER is now studying the paper intently. He crumples it into a ball and throws it into refuse can. BOTH STRANGERS rise and exit, talking inaudibly, but excitedly. After they have gone, SKAT runs to the refuse can)

Windy

Don't go poking in there. You don't know where it's been.

Skat

(He takes a discarded girdle out of the can and holds it up.)

Hey, Windy, take this out and get it filled!

(He pokes into the can again and brings out a small roll of paper)

Here's the baby...

(He opens it, and peers at it triumphantly)

What did I tell you? Look at this! Guard...Control House...

What else does it mean? I suspect everybody in Panama these days!

(WINDY rises)

Windy

You may be right!

(MISS BENTON ENTERS)

1-5-51

(During the above, a girl (BENTON) walks across stage, in a flimsy blouse and a tight revealing skirt. As she passes SKAT and WINDY, WINDY points at her commandingly)

Windy (Loudly)

SEARCH THAT WOMAN!!

(THE GIRL screams and runs off. In terror SKAT and WINDY sit on center bench. WOOZY enters. SKAT looks up and sees him)

Woozy

Come on, you guys, beat it, will you? That bench you're mussing up is gonna be the site of the greatest love scene since Tristan and Isadore.

Windy

Sounds like that big mongoose has a date!

Woozy (Bragging)

Admiral Tree's daughter...that's all!

Skat

Admiral Tree's daughter!

Woozy

I got her in my pocket...I'm gonna teach that dame the difference between right and wrong!

Skat (To Windy)

I told you he was deck-daffy!

Windy

How'd you line up Tree's daughter?

Woozy (Very superior)

I got a hunk of conversation that will even keep Elinor at home.

Windy

Okay, smart pants, we'll go.

But if you keep on reading Esquire, your head will come to a point!

(SKAT & WINDY EXIT. WOOZY sits on Center of bench and waits. A GIRL (MISS ALLYSON), and a soldier, (DUKAT) enter)

Girl (As they X)

What do you mean, Mr. Marcy? I should trust you implicitly?

(THEY sit on bench, stage R. Business of Soldier taking her in his arms, and gives her a long, lingering kiss. WOOZY watches them, liking it. THEY finally break)

Woozy

(To the soldier)

QUITTER!

(SOLDIER gets up and turns on him about to square off)
(The girl takes his hand, and leads him off)

(LEILA enters; from the opposite direction with a slip of paper in her hand. When she sees Woozy, she stops short and burns)

1-5-58

(SCENE BEFORE THE TRAVELLER)

(ENTER MISS GAE from stage L. MAC enters stage R.
As she sees him, she approaches enticingly)

Gae

(Brazenly)

I beg your pardon, (but could you tell me...)
(She recognizes him)

Oh, it's you. I didn't know you without your bar rag. I
was just about to ask you to go home with me?

Mac

(Warmly)

Home? Now that's mighty nice of you. Most girls want you to
take them around from one dive to another...but you're
different. You're a real home girl, aren't you?

Gae

Yes. I like to go home as often as I can.

Mac

(With admiration)

Just a nice wholesome girl. The kind I'd like to take
home.

Gae

Okay, we'll go to your house!

Mac

(Delighted)

That's swell. I'd like you to meet my mother.
Gae

(Surprised)

Your mother? Do you have to ask your mother?

Mac

Well, I'd like to have you meet her.

(With a happy sigh, he starts to sing a refrain)

"MY MOTHER WOULD LOVE YOU."

(Sung by Mac)

FIRST REFRAIN:

My mother would love you,
And so would my sister Sue,
My brother would think the world of you
And you'd make grandpappy
Slap-happy,
Too. My dozens of cousins,
Would all start singin'.
If we went swingin'.
By

1-5-59

First Refrain (Contd.)

My mother would love you
And, come to think of it, so do I.

SECOND REFRAIN:

My mother would love you,
And so would my Uncle Lou,
My brother would make a God of you
And you'd win my dizzy
Aunt Lizzie,
Too.
My balmy gran'mommy
Would start rug-cuttin'
If we went struttin'
By.
My mother would love you
And, oh, to hell with it, so do I!

**********

1-6-50

## ACT I

### TIO OF ADMIRAL TREE'S HOME - Afternoon.

Is a full stage set. The Admiral's
ance runs left and right upstage.
are high stucco walls running up and
tage L. and R., with a large entrance
ner side. The L. entrance leads to
reet. The R. entrance leads to the
. The house has a large double door
and high French windows on each side,
which the interior of the house may
. There are banana trees and palms
cally placed.

There is an opening number topped by a dance
by Valencia. After the number, the guests
remain on stage. LEILA enters from the
house. A radio ANNOUNCER and a MECHANIC
carrying a microphone and wires, enter from
the street arch. HE goes to LEILA.

#### Leila

Hello, Mike. Did you bring your radio things?

#### Mike

Yes. We'll hook it up in the house. The wires are long enough to reach out here.

#### Leila

That's fine.

(THE ANNOUNCER EXITS into the house.)

(MILDRED ENTERS)

Mildred dear, I'm glad you came early. You've got to help me with this crowd.

#### Mildred

Of course, what shall I do?

#### Leila

Just see that everybody has a drink. I mean, just keep everybody's hand full of glaces, cake, and things.

(MR. WHITNEY, RANDOLPH enter. LEILA goes to greet them. Kissing)

Kitty Belle darling!

(To RANDOLPH)

Mr. Randolph, we're all so excited to have you here! I mean it must be so hectic having the responsibility of that entire canal on your shoulders ... How is your hay fever today?

#### Randolph

Well, you know how hay fever is. It just has to wear itself out.

1-6-63

## Leila

I hope you have your speech ready. When we present the cup to you, all Panama will be listening.

## Girl (MISS CARTER, Xes to RANDOLPH)

Mr. Randolph, won't you sign my book ...

(The GIRLS ALL ad-lib their requests for his signature as they form a ring around him. HATTIE, NICK, JERRY, and FLORRIE enter. HATTIE looks perfectly lovely in an afternoon dress which has evidently won Jerry's entire approval. LEILA greets them)

## Leila (Gushing)

Oh. Nick, it's so nice to have you come. I mean how lovely Miss Maloney looks... (Xes Right) And this is little Jerry! Well, bless her heart ... Nick, what a divine child! (To JERRY)

Now little Jerry-Werry must have nice time at Aunt Leily's party.

## Jerry

Thank you. It was very nice of you to ask us to come.

## Leila

My what a pretty little speech, dear! (To NICK. Xes L)

Now get yourselves a drink and make yourselves at home. And thanks so much for lending me your butler ... (LEILA goes to greet some other guests who have just arrived)

## Nick (To HATTIE)

Oh, Hattie, there's my boss. Wait, I'll see if I can get him over here. I want you to meet him. (HE Xes to where RANDOLPH is standing in a small group. HATTIE turns to JERRY)

## Hattie (Aside to JERRY)

Here comes the occasion of great pleasure!

## Jerry

Don't be nervous.

## Hattie

Who's nervous. I'm just trembling like an aspirin leaf, that's all! (NICK comes over with MR. RANDOLPH. Ad-libs)

## Mr. Randolph

Why certainly, of course.

## Nick

Hattie, I want you to meet my boss... (HATTIE rises)

Mr. Randolph, this is Miss Maloney, the young lady I spoke to you about. (HATTIE opens her mouth, about to read that great line, but before she has a chance, MR. RANDOLPH speaks)

1-6-52

Randolph (Xes R.)

Ah, my dear, this is an occasion of great pleasure to me...!
(HATTIE's chin drops. She puts her hands on
her hips, turns and looks disgustedly at JERRY.
JERRY shrugs her shoulders, as though to say,
"Can I help it?" HATTIE turns to RANDOLPH)

Hattie

You want a laugh, Mr. Randolph? I was going to say the same
thing to you that you said to me ... you took the words right
out of my mouth!
(RANDOLPH laughs)

After this, I'm going to make up my dialogue as I go along.

Randolph (Steps back)

You're very refreshing, Miss Maloney.

Nick

Mr. Randolph, this is my little girl, Geraldine.
(JERRY Xes L. to RANDOLPH. RANDOLPH Xes R.)

Randolph

This is another occasion of great pleasure .. I hope I didn't
take the words out of *your* mouth.

Jerry

No. I always say, "How do you do?..."

Randolph

I understand you just arrived from Philadelphia.

Jerry

Yes...

Randolph

I hope you'll be happy here. (To HATTIE) Nick tells me you're
quite a chanteuse, Miss Maloney.

Hattie (Her face falls)

HUH?

(Then, kidding to cover her ignorance)

Bet you wouldn't say that if you didn't have your glasses on!
(RANDOLPH feels his eyes. HE realizes that
he has none, and also that what she said was
funny. HE laughs)

Randolph

Oh, that's good! (HE laughs)
(Some of the couples EXIT into the garden
and the house. MILDRED comes out)

Mildred (To the group)

They're serving tea and punch and things. Won't you come in
and have some?

Randolph

Yes, thank you.

["1-6-65", "(This is a big number for HATTIE and CHORUS.
ALL EXIT on number. After the number BUDD\ncomes out of the house to open gate. FLORRIE\nis tagging after him)", "Florrie (At his heels)\nWell, you will admit you felt something, won't you?", "Budd\n(Still walking toward the gate)\nYes. But I felt it in my foot. That shouldn't count.", "Florrie\nWell, at least I didn't strike out.\n(BUDD opens the gate. WINDY, WOOZY and\nSKAT enter)", "Budd\nWhom did you wish to see?", "Florrie\nYes. What do you gobs want here?", "Skat\nWe want to see Mr. Randolph on private business.", "Windy\nAnd right away!\nYeah. At once!\nFlorrie\nAre you sure, it's business? No kidding?", "Skat\nYes.\nFlorrie\nWell, you better get him, Vivian...\n(BUDD exits into the house)", "Windy (Xes L. to FLORRIE)\nHey, Florrie, why don't you cut away from that big bloater?", "Florrie\nListen, that guy is starving for love, and I'm going inside\nand feed him. (SHE EXITS into house)", "Woozy\nVivian Budd!\nWindy\nThat's one Budd that will be plenty withered in the morning.\n(RANDOLPH enters to them)", "Randolph\nDid you men wish to see me?"]

1-6-66

Skat (Xes L. to RANDOLPH)

Yes sir, Mr. Randolph. Me and Windy were on the Esplanade last
night and we run into something.

(Hands Randolph the paper)

Randolph (Looking at it briefly)

Where'd you get it?

Skat

We saw two men throw it in a refuse can.

Randolph

Do you know the men?

Skat

No sir ...

Randolph

Panama is swarming with Fifth Columnists, even in the higher
circles. I'll take this up with the proper authorities.

(Sneezes)

WOOZY
Saluta.

SKAT
Bingo.

WINDY
Gesuntheit.

(RANDOLPH EXITS)

Windy

Well, we got in here anyway...Where are the refreshments?

Woozy

I smell coffee coming from there. (Points to garden)

Skat

Let's go ...

(THEY start off)

Woozy (Going)

I hope the food here's better than the chow on the ship ... even
the sea-gulls have got ulcers.

(THE THREE EXIT down. HATTIE and LEILA
enter from the house. LEILA is carrying
the cup in a felt cover)

Leila

Mr. Randolph told me he thought you were delightful...I mean
a scream! So I thought it would be a wonderful idea if you
were to present the cup.

Hattie

Oh, no, I'm no good at that ... you better get another girl.

Leila

But I really think you should ... It would be a great help
to Nick.

Hattie

Well, if it'll do Nick any good ... (Takes cup) I won't have to
make a speech, will I? (She takes the cup from Leila)

1-6-67

Leila

Oh, no ... I'll make the presentation speech, and when I give
you the signal, you come in and hand it to him. That's all.

Hattie

I ought to be able to get away with that ...

Leila

You'll do it beautifully ... I mean it will be grand ... and do
you know what?

Hattie

What?

Leila

It might be awfully nice if you put some lovely flowers in it
when you handed it to him. I mean he adores flowers.

Hattie

Okay with me ... Where'll I get them?

Leila

Let me see ... There's some lovely golden rod growing in the
garden ...

Hattie

Golden rod it is ...

(HATTIE, cup in hand, exits toward the garden.
The radio ANNOUNCER enters and sets up the
microphone)

Mike

Better get your crowd together, we go on the air in one minute.

Leila (Xes L.)

Heavens! (SHE runs toward the entrance and calls off)

Come out, everybody ... we're going on the air! We're going
on the air in one minute ...

(THE CROWD returns and take places around
the mike. RANDOLPH takes his position in
front of it)

Mike (To the gathering)

Attention, please. When we're on the air, no one must make a
sound. Are you ready, Leila?

Leila

(Running to her place before the mike)

Yes, I'm ready ...

(She has her speech written out on a sheet
of paper)

Announcer

Quiet, everybody!

(THE RED LIGHT goes on. ANNOUNCER nods to
LEILA to begin)

RED LIGHT

1-6-68

## Leila

(Reading from paper into the mike)

As head of the Junior Auxiliary for the Red Cross, it is a
pleasure and a privilege for me to introduce Mr. Whitney
Randolph, whose Red Cross unit was the first to complete its
quota. We are presenting Mr. Randolph with a beautiful silver
cup, a reward for his wonderful work.

(She gestures to HATTIE to approach)

A lovely lady is now bringing the cup. The next voice you hear
will be that of Mr. Whitney Randolph.

(HATTIE enters with the silver cup filled with
golden rod. RANDOLPH sees it with terror as
HATTIE innocently sticks it under his nose. MR.
RANDOLPH opens his mouth to speak, but a great,
copious sneeze sails into the mike instead of
his words...)

Randolph (Sneezes twice)

It is with the greatest...(Sneeze) ... that I ... (Pushes cup away. Sneeze) ... that I ...

(Starts to sneeze, but puts finger to upper lip
and presses)

accept...accept...accept...
(Sneeze. In utter disgust)

Oh, what's the use!
(ANNOUNCER takes the mike)

## Announcer

(Into the mike)

We will now return you to the studio where you will hear
La Paloma! (NICK takes cup from HATTIE)

(HATTIE and JERRY have moved down stage
in awe at this catastrophe)

## Hattie (Aside to JERRY)

The golden rod did it...and she told me to give it to him!

Jerry

Who?

Hattie

Leila...

Randolph

(Coming down to HATTIE furiously)

You may think you're very...
(Sneezes)

..funny, young lady...but you've...(Sneezes)...gone too far.

Nick (Coming up to him)

But really, Chief...

Randolph (To NICK - angrily)

I'll...

(Sneeze. At WOOZY, left stage)

..take care of you later...(Sneeze)...I ... I ...

(At WOOZY, right stage)

1-6-69

(HE can't talk. HE turns and starts off, and
NICK follows him protesting)

Nick

(As he follows Randolph out)

But Chief, you must let me explain...I'm sure Hattie didn't
have any idea...(NICK exits after RANDOLPH)

Leila (To HATTIE)

I think perhaps you'd better go now, Miss Maloney...You've
caused enough trouble for one day. I should never have asked
you in the first place...you're not fit to associate with
ladies and gentlemen.

Hattie

Now *wait* a minute, you ...

Leila

There really isn't anything more to be said...Miss Maloney...
if you'll just go...

Jerry (Xes L. to LEILA)

(To LEILA as HATTIE watches her in amazement)

We'll go, but there <u>is</u> something more to be said. She's fit
to associate with <u>any</u> lady or gentleman <u>any</u> place...Manners
aren't everything...It's not enough to be good outside, you've
got to be good inside too. <u>She's</u> good inside...but <u>you!</u>

Inside you must be a perfect sight! Do you know what you are?
You're a...you're a **MUZZLER**! That's what you are!

(She takes Hattie's hand)

Come on, Mommy....

Leila

How dare you two! I'll have you know that I am a Tree!

Hattie

I must tell Sea-Biscuit about you!

(JERRY leads HATTIE out through the main
gate, as the assembled gathering looks after
them both, speechless. The music rises to
a crescendo as:)

CURTAIN

THE CURTAIN FALLS

END OF ACT I

Randolph
(He hesitates a moment, then to officer)
I'll join you at the hotel.

2-1-2

Officer (Mr. Downing)

Right, sir.
(HE exits... Left down stage)

Nick
I tried all day to get to see you, but you were tied up. I
wanted to explain....

Randolph
There's no explanation to make. Everything is perfectly obvious.

Nick
But you see, sir, it wasn't Hattie's fault. Miss Tree told
her to put the flowers in the cup and....

Randolph (Interrupting)
That, sir, I do not believe. I've known Miss Tree and her
father for many years... Her sense of humor is not quite so
pointed...

Nick (Helplessly)
Well, if you don't believe me, I.... I don't know what to do!

Randolph
I'll tell you what to do, it's quite simple. Get rid of that
woman. I have nothing against you, you're a good worker, but
she's no wife for you or anybody else....

Nick

Now, Chief, please...

Randolph
I'll give you a week to make up your mind. Good-night!
(HE goes)

Nick (To JERRY)
Do you mind, honey, if I don't take you to watch the street
dancing...? I don't feel much like Fiesta tonight.

Jerry
All right, Daddy. Whatever you say!
(MRS. GONZALES ENTERS... from stage down. NICK sees her)

Nick
Wait a minute. (He calls to MRS. GONZALES)
Oh, Mrs. Gonzales....

Mrs. Gonzales (Coming over)

Yes, Mr. Nick?

Nick
Are you busy? Have you got time to take Miss Jerry to the
Plaza Central to see the dancing?

Mrs. Gonzales (Xes R.)
Oh, I'm so glad... Of course I do it... Come, Miss Jerry!

Nick

2-1-3

See you later, honey....
(To Mrs. Gonzales)

I'll be inside....
(MRS. GONZALES and JERRY exeunt upstage right. NICK starts for the cafe. HATTIE comes out to him. HATTIE is dressed in an evening gown)

Hattie
How're you, big boy? Did you see the old sneeze puss?

Nick
He's been tied up all day, but don't worry.

Hattie
Worry? Why wouldn't I? There I was, on the two yard line...
and I dropped the ball! (Xes R.)

Nick
Leila did it. It wasn't your fault.
That Leila! I'd like to see her surrounded by six silver
handles! (Xes L.)

Nick
Now will you stop worrying about it? We'll get married next
week, just the way we planned....

Hattie
I hope so, but it seems to me those wedding bells are getting
fainter and fainter.

Nick
I'll admit it doesn't look great.

Hattie
Anyway, something good came out of it....Jerry started to call
me Mummy!

Nick
You got Jerry, all right. You'll get Randolph too. Leila's
the only one who can straighten him out....I'm going to phone
her.... (NICK exits into cafe)

Hattie (Calling after him)
You can phone but it won't help. My luck ain't that good.

Nick
I'm going to give her a piece of my mind. I mean I'm going to
bawl the hell out of her.

(SONG: "MAKE IT ANOTHER OLD FASHIONED, PLEASE")

Sung by HATTIE

LYRIC:--"MAKE IT ANOTHER OLD FASHIONED PLEASE:"

VERSE:

Since I went on the wagon, I'm
Certain drink is a major crime,
For when you lay off the liquor
You feel so much slicker,
Well, that is, most of the time.

Verse (Cont'd)

2-1-4

But there are moments,
Sooner or later,
When it's tough, I've got to say,
Not to say
Waiter!

1st REFRAIN:

Make it another old-fashioned, please,
Make it another double old-Fashioned, please,
Make it for one who's due
To join the disillusioned crew,
Make it for one of Love's new
Refugees.
Once, high in my castle, I reigned supreme,
And oh! What a castle, built on a heavenly dream,
Then quick as a lightning flash,
That castle began to crash,
So make it another Old-fashioned, please.
Leave out the cherry,
Leave out the orange,
Leave out the bitters,
Just make it a straight rye!"

(HATTIE exits after the number. WINDY and WOOZY enter. WINDY enters from stage right and WOOZY from stage left)

Windy (Enthusiastically, L.)
There you are, boy....what do we do tonight?

Woozy (Up stage R.)
I ain't over last night yet.

Windy
What happened?

Woozy
Myrtle took me to a joint--and what a joint!

Windy
Did you get tight?

Woozy
I had about two quarts of Golden Wedding and all day long I've
been seeing little flower girls dancing in front of my eyes.

Windy
Is it just a saloon or do they have entertainment?

Woozy
Oh, no, they got a floor show. They had five Republicans come
on from this side, five Democrats come out from that side, and
they slugged it out through a chorus of God Bless America.

(SKAT enters, excitedly)

Skat
Where you guys been? I been looking all over the town for you.
I found the guy!

2-1-6

Windy

Get smart, Woozy...Can't you see them stripes on your sleeves? In a Chief's uniform you could get more dames than you could cart away in a truck!

Woozy

Please don't try to sway me against my better judgment.

Windy

Look at Riley. He's even uglier than you are, but with them stripes on he's always got his knee's full of women.

Woozy

Yeah?

Skat - Windy

Yeah!

Woozy

Bring on them lousy spies. (THEY EXIT)

(HATTIE ENTERS. She sits at one of the outside tables. MAC follows her with a glass of Coca-cola and a straw)

Hattie (In a pensive mood)

I'll have it out here.

Mac

Sure you don't want three drops of rum in it?

Hattie

No...I'm through with that for good....

Mac

You said it, Hattie.

(MAC EXITS. HATTIE sips her drink quietly as she listens to the music from the bar. LEILA enters with MIKE, an escort, from stage L. THEY are followed by LISS HUNTER - 1st STRANGER)

Mike

We've got to get Mildred a drink.
(As they X. toward the Tropical shore)

How about dropping in here for a drink?

Mildred

Oh, that will be fine!

Leila

I'd rather not...I mean there are so many other places that we...
(HATTIE sees them. SHE rises and goes to LEILA)

Hattie

Well, if it isn't little Golden Rod! (Rising)
(LEILA grabs MIKE's arm in fear)

Leila

Mike, don't let her come <u>near</u> me...I mean, don't let her <u>touch</u> me!

Mike

Now, wait a minute, Hattie!....

Hattie

2-1-7

Mike, you don't needa worry...Go inside and buy yourself a drink, I want to talk to her a minute.

Leila (Frightened)

Don't you do it, Mike....don't you leave me!
(To HATTIE)

Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Mike.

Hattie

I don't think you'd like Mike to hear what I got to say!
(To MIKE) You better go in!

Mike (To LEILA)

Shall I?

Leila (Nervously)

Yes, but please stay where you can hear me if I call.

Mildred

We'll go ahead to Kelly's and get a table! (THEY exit right)
(MIKE exits, into cafe)

Leila

Well?

Hattie (Goes L. to Leila, calmly)

You *know* you told me to put that golden rod in the cup.

Leila

I don't know what you're talking about.

Hattie

(Angry, a step toward her)

Why, you...!

Leila (In terror)

MIKE!

(MIKE sticks his head out of the door)

Mike

Yes?

Hattie (Assuringly)

Okay, Mike....

Mike. (To Leila)

Okay?

Leila (Reluctantly)

Okay!

(MIKE goes in again)

Mike

Okay.

Hattie

I told Nick you did, and he believes me, so you're a dead duck with him....Why don't you be a regular girl and straighten him out with his boss?...He's liable to lose his job.

Leila (Haughtily)

I have no interest whatever in Nick or his job.

2-1-8

Hattie (Furiously)

Why you dirty!.... (Goes towards Leila)

Leila (More terror)

MIKE!!

(MIKE sticks his head out again)

Mike

Yes?

Hattie (Subsiding)

Okay, Mike....

Mike (To Leila)

Okay, Leila?

Leila (Uneasily)

Well...yes...

Mike

Okay.

(MIKE disappears)

Hattie

How can you sit around and see Nick's whole future blow up in
his face....?

Leila

That's not likely. He'll give you up before he'll give up
his position...and if I can stop him from marrying you, I've
done him a big favor.

Hattie (Seeing red)

That's done it!

(She makes a lunge for Leila. LEILA ducks)

Leila

MIKE!!

(MIKE comes tearing out of the Tropical Shore.
HE gets between them)

Mike

Now, Hattie, you promised....

Hattie (Xes R.)

I know....I'm sorry....

Leila

(Xes L. Regaining her confidence)

And now, Miss Maloney, or Miss Mahoney, or whatever your name
is, I hope you feel relieved after this vulgar spectacle...and
in the future, you'll do me a service by never speaking to me
again...Do you hear? Come Mike!

(LEILA takes MIKE's arm grandly, and turns to exit.

HATTIE suddenly gives her a swift kick with the side
of her foot in the derriere.)

Leila (Screaming)

MIKE!

Hattie

Okay, Mike!!

(LEILA and MIKE exit down stage R. MAC comes out
of the cafe)

2-1-9

Mac
What's going on out here?

Hattie
(Holding out her hand)

Mitt me, Mac! I just hit the Jack pot.

(HATTIE passes him and goes into the Tropical Shore.)
MAC follows her in. BUDD and FLORRIE enter)

Florrie (Impatiently)
I don't understand how you could possibly object to a little
thing like that.

Budd
I hope I'm not being too difficult...

Florrie
If it's like this *now*, what's it going to be like *later*?

Budd
That's what I'm worried about.

Florrie
I wasn't sure if you'd like the wedding dress I bought...but
I *certainly* didn't think you'd object to the wedding!

Budd
I only said that I thought I should have been consulted.

Florrie (Amazed)
What about...? What for?

Budd
I always understood that the *man* was supposed to ask the *girl*.

Florrie (Laughs)
(That's ridiculous) But if it'll make you any happier, ask
me: Go on, Ask me!

Budd
I really can't cope with this...I'm not very good at coping
anyway!

Florrie
(Waving the idea aside)
I'll change all that...After I bought my trousseau, I looked
at a few houses...

Budd
HOUSES! Are you serious?

Florrie
Yesss...A woman can buy a bathing suit and not go swimming,
and a riding habit, and not ride; but when she buys a
wedding dress...she means business!

Budd (Xes L)
Well, that's apparently that...(Xes)

Florrie
I even bought a twin bed.

Budd
You bought a twin bed?

2-1-11

(SONG--CONT'D)

All I got to get now is my who - who
All I got to get now is my man.

Picked the house, not too far,
Open fire, open bar,
Second floor, what a treat,
Such a beautiful bridal suite.
All I've got to get now is my man,
Yes, all I've got to get now is my man,
Yes, all I've got to get now is my man,
(Cause ev'rything is set now,
I've got a complete layette now
And all I've got to get now is my man.
Ev'rything's set now,
Got the layette now,
All I gotta get now
Is my man.

(DANCE)

(After song exit R. or L. At the point in the
number we close in. There is a dance before the
Traveller by the Ensemble and FLORRIE)

(DANCE)

I'm tired of always chuming
With plumbers who don't like plumbing
So, all I gotta get now is my man.

(DANCE)

All I got to get now is my man.
(Clap-clap)
All I got to get now is my man.

CHANGE OF SCENE:

2-2-12

## ACT II

### SCENE II:

A ROOM OVER AN OLD BARN JUST OUTSIDE
OF PANAMA CITY.

The scene is set in about two and a
half. It is a crude room that was
originally intended for farm hands,
or a groom, but has long since been
out of use. It is meagerly furnished,
a kitchen table, and a wardrobe...The
one window is covered completely by a
long black drape. The door is up
stage center...a wall bracket furnishes
the only light in the apartment. There
is a shelf on which test tubes, chem-
icals, and a Bunsen burner are careless-
ly left. It is evident that somebody
has been mixing something, and it
ain't good!

### AT RISE:

The black window drape is pulled aside;
allowing a little moonlight to filter
in, which lights the room dimly. WINDY,
SKAT enter. SKAT has a flashlight.
WOOZY stands in the doorway. SKAT and
WINDY walk right and left stage.

Woozy (Not very happy)
Look, this ain't part of my deal. I agreed to prowl around
the barn, but not in it. I coulda been mushin' with Myrtle!

Skat (Flashing light around)
Shut up mushin' with Myrtle!

Woozy
Well, if I'm gonna be killed in action, that's the kind of
action I wanna be killed in.

Skat
Aw, dry up! (Xes R.)

Windy
Yeah, what are you scared of, Woozy? You got a life insurance
policy.

Woozy
Yeah, but when I walked in here I felt it wince.

(WINDY Xes L.)
Skat
(Flashing his light on wall lamp, to Woozy)
There's the light switch. Turn it on.

(WOOZY lights the lamp. THE THREE look around)

Woozy (Quickly)
Okay, there ain't nobody here...let's go!
(Turns off LIGHT)

2-2-13

Skat

Wait a minute--(Turns on light)

How do you know? There's nobody here? Somebody might even be
in that cupboard.

(Indicates wardrobe)

(WINDY Xes to the wardrobe. HE RAPS ON THE SIDE
OF IT. One of the doors opens slowly. HE rushes
back to the other two. THEY grab each other in
terror and look over toward the wardrobe)

Windy

Get that woman out of here!

Woozy (Shaking)

Ooooooohhhhhh...That's what I don't like about these joints!

Skat

Nobody came out...

Woozy

How do you know nobody came out...didn't you see that pitcher,
"The Invisible Man?"

Windy

Aw nuts!

Woozy

There may be six guys in this room right now...not counting us!

(SKAT Xes stealthily to the wardrobe and peeks
in. Drops flashlight, they ALL turn)

Skat

See? There ain't nobody there...(Closes door)...Why are you
sweating so much?

Woozy (Wiping his brow)

That ain't sweat...That's blood...I haven't been so scared in
four years.

(Sits)

Skat

You're always a scared.

Woozy

Not like I was then...Another guy and I, like suckers, went
out to prove a house wasn't haunted...well, about three o'clock
in the morning a ghost comes through the wall as if there
wasn't no wall there at all...

Skat

What did you do?

Woozy

I went through the opposite wall the same way!

Skat

(HE turns and sees the shelf of chemicals. Xes L.)

Hey...!

2-2-14

Woozy

Don't do that!

Skat

Look at this layout!
with all that stuff?

Gee...what do you suppose they're doing

Windy

Well, they ain't making fudge....I got it! It's explosives!
Now we got the evidence!

Skat

Sure! We take this stuff down and report it. (PICKS UP TUBE)

Windy

We can't report it until we're sure it's explosives.

Woozy

If you find out for sure, you won't be able to report it.

(SKAT pours the contents of one tube into the other. It starts to smoke)

Windy

Look, he found the formula for Drug Store coffee!
(WINDY sees spyglass on the shelf)

Hey, get this!!

(SKAT and WOOZY come over to him)

Skat

Boy! A spy glass!

(WINDY Xes to the window, pushes the drape aside and looks out)

Woozy

What do you suppose they do with that?

Skat

Look at the canal, of course...

(To WINDY, who is looking through the glass)

Can you see the canal, Windy?

Windy

No, but I can see a dame undressing in the Marina Hotel!

(SKAT rushes over to him)

Skat

Leave me see...leave me see....

(Grabs the glass and looks through it)

She's putting on her negle-gee...Hey...looks like there's somebody with her! Oh--ho...Madame LaZonga' is going to give a free lesson.

Windy

That guy is doing all right. It looks like Myrtle.

2-2-15

Woozy

(He grabs glass and looks through it)

No, it ain't Myrtle. She's taking off her neglegegee...

Skat

She's taking off her Neglegegee...

Woozy (More intently)

And she's taking off her lynjeree...

Skat

She's taking off her lynjeree.

Woozy

That's a hell of a place to wear a Willkie button!

Windy

We better not look any more.

Woozy

Why not? Maybe we'll wind up in that magazine, "Life goes to a party!"

Skat

(Looking out the window)

My God, here they come!

Woozy

Here they come!

(Give and take)

Here who comes?

Skat

The two spys: Wait a minute, you can't go, you'll run into him.

(WOOZY makes for door. SKAT closes curtain)

Woozy

I joined the navy to see *this* world, not the *next*!

(WOOZY runs to open the door. The door knob remains in his hand)

Skat

What's that?

Windy

He's sure to come up here!

Skat (Frightened)

That's right! We gotta hide!

Woozy

Where?

Windy

The cupboard!

(HE runs to the wardrobe and gets in. SKAT runs in next to him, WOOZY runs over)

Skat

Hey, Woozy, turn out the light!

2-2-16

(WOOZY runs for the light. Turns out the light
and runs in the dark toward the wardrobe)
(SKAT, in the dark) Skat (Cont'd)

LIGHTS
DOWN

Find another spot, Woozy. There's no room in here.

Woozy

I'll make room! (HE crowds in)
Shush!

(The door opens slowly, TWO FIGURES enter and the
1ST STRANGER turns on the light..they show no sign
of alarm, not suspecting at all that there is
anyone in the room)

(1ST STRANGER EXITS into panel in wall. The 2ND
STRANGER tosses his hat on the table, and takes off
his coat. HE goes to the wardrobe to hang it away.
HE opens the door)

Woozy

We don't want any!

(The THREE are revealed. WOOZY has a sickly grin
on upon his face)

Skat

Grab him!

(The THREE make a lunge for him. The stranger
ducks, they ALL fall in a heap on the floor.
THEY pick themselves up and look around excitedly)
(ALL THREE fall to floor, SKAT and WINDY tackle
WOOZY)

Woozy

Wait a minute, I'm on your side!

Windy

He blew! I'll turn on the light. (Turns on light)

Skat

You can bet your life we're going to hear from him.

(A SHOT IS HEARD. It breaks the window and a
test tube on the shelf)

Woozy

I hope it's a letter-shot. The mail's in!

BREAKS PICTURE:

(Then TWO MORE SHOTS COME IN QUICK SUCCESSION.
The THREE are petrified. These shots should be
muffled)

SHOTS:

Windy

He must be across on the other roof! Woozy, turn out the
light!

Woozy

I don't think I'm strong enough!

(SKAT picks up the spyglass and sticks his hat on it,
and holds it out in front of the window. IT BRINGS
TWO MORE SHOTS)

SHOTS

2-2-17

Windy

He's only got a six shooter, and I counted six!

Woozy (Crawling out)

How can you count at a time like this?

Windy

Come on, get your hat!

Woozy (Tossing it off)

If you're going by that way would you mind picking it up for me?

Windy

It's your hat. Get it yourself! There's nothing to be afraid of!

(WOOZY crawls over on his belly toward the hat. HE picks it up, puts it on, and stands up in the line of fire. A relieved smile comes over his face)

Woozy

Look...I made it!

SHOT:

(There is another REPORT and his hat is shot off of his head! WOOZY freezes, and starts to shake all over visibly)

(WINDY and SKAT go to the window and peer out cautiously)

Skat

Look, he's sliding down the drain-pipe...he's running away!

(WOOZY joins SKAT and WINDY at the window. As the THREE look out, the panel in the wall opens quietly. The first SPY comes out. HE sees them and starts for the door; but the three start to turn around, and the STRANGER darts into the wardrobe and closes the door after him)

(AD-LIB by SKAT and WINDY)

I wonder what became of the other guy? Let's get out of here.

Woozy

Yeah, let's get out of here.

Skat

Wait a minute, fellows...I feel as if there's somebody in this room! (Xes L.)

Woozy

Well, we're here, ain't we?

Skat

No. I mean somebody besides us.

2-2-18

Woozy

Well, if there is, he better not run in to me. I'm back on
the other side of my family. I'll tear him apart!

Skat

I still say there's somebody in this room...

(WOOZY goes over to the cot and lifts up the bed-clothes which slightly cover the under part of the cot)

Woozy

There's nobody there!

(HE goes to the table across the set and opens the door and looks in)

There's nobody there!

(HE goes to the wardrobe and opens both the doors.
THE FIRST SPY is revealed right at WOOZY)

There's nobody there!

(WOOZY slams the door shut)

BLACK OUT.

CHANGE.

2-3-19

## ACT II

### SCENE III

After Barn Scene, TWO DRUMMERS come on from center in dark with drums and stools and start to drum. Also from center Spanish Dancer enters carrying two maracas and goes into a dance. There is some sort of receptacle for money on the floor. After the dancer dances for awhile, a boy enters from stage R. and watches the dancer. The BOY throws a coin in the receptacle and he exits L. The GIRL continues to dance, and BUDD enters from stage R. HE stops and watches the dancing. With a flourish the dance stops and comes to an end.

Budd
(Pointing to one of maracas)
I say, miss, what's that?

No sabe.
Girl

Budd
Umm...and that's a no sabe too?

Si.
Girl

Budd
Yes, I see, but what are those?

No sabe.
Girl

Budd
That's as fine a pair as I've ever seen. I saw a street dancer like you in South Africa once...she did a step...I wonder if you'd know it?...

(HE does a dance step. GIRL joins him in step. HATTIE ENTERS stage R. and watches the two of them for a while. BUDD turns and sees her, is shocked to be discovered and stops dancing.)

Hattie
Well, Skut, ole boy, I guess I had you all wrong. There's a little life in you after all.

Budd
I was just telling the young lady that she has a fine pair of no sabes.

Hattie
I didn't think you noticed such things.

Budd
(To D'Antonio, giving her dollar)
Here...Scram!
(D'ANTONIO exits the same as before.)

2-3-20

### Hattie

Look, Skut, Why can't we be friends? I love Jerry
and so do you. We ought to kinda get together.

### Budd

I didn't imagine you were the type of person who would
like children.

### Hattie

I always liked children...I always wanted one of my own,
but I never knew whether to adopt it or get it the hard way.

### Budd

I say really, Miss, I must be off now, as I have to tell
Miss Geraldine a bed-time story.

### Hattie

What do you tell her about?

### Budd

Oh, I tell her about brer rabbit.

### Hattie

Who's he?

### Budd

I'll explain. Once there was two rabbits...

### Hattie

I heard that, and now there are millions of them!

(WOOZY, WINDY and SKAT enter)

### Skat

Well, look who's talking to who!

### Hattie

Skut and I are good friends now.

2-3-23

4TH REFRAIN:

"YOU SAID IT" (Cont'd)

H.W. & S.

BUDD

H.W. & S.

BUDD

WINDY

H.B.W. & S.

WINDY

ALL

H.B.W. & S.

You said it, brother,

Yes, you said it.

Who said it?

He said it.

Oh, I thought he said it.

No, I said it,

So give me full credit.

'Cause you wish you'da said it, too.

Yea, verily, yea verily,

With a dress from Saks

And a double tax-tax,

Yea, verily, very verily,

We wish we'da said it too.

5TH REFRAIN:

HATTIE, BUDD, WOOZY

and WINDY

SKAT

H.B.W. & W.

SKAT

H. W. and W.

BUDD

H. W. and W.

BUDD

SKAT

H. B. W. and W.

SKAT

ALL

H. B. W. & W.

What do you think of this thing called Sex?

What do I think of this thing called Sex?

Yes, what do you think of this thing called

This is what I think of this thing called Sex?

According to what the experts say,

Sex is a myst-ry in ev'ry way,

But whatever it is, it's here to stay!

You said it, brother!

Yes, you said it!

Who said it?

He said it.

Oh, I thought he said it.

No, I said it,

So give me full credit,

'Cause you wish you'da said it too.

Yea, verily, yea verily,

With a rose in bloom

And a double room-room,

Yea, verily, very verily,

We wish we'da said it too.

6TH REFRAIN:

BOYS

HATTIE

BOYS

HATTIE

W. W. and S.

What do you think of Conscription weddings?

What do I think of Conscription weddings?

Yes, what do you think of Conscription

This is what I think of Conscription weddings?

A man who does that is an awful fool,

He's holding himself up to ridicule,

But it's better than necking an army mule.

You said it, sister!

Yes, you said it!

2-4-26

Florrie

But what am I going to do without you, you louse!

(JERRY enters)

Jerry

You want me, Mummy?

Hattie

You bet I do....

(To FLORRIE)

See you at the club, kid. (FLORRIE EXITS up stage R.)
Now listen, honey. Mummy may have to take a little trip....

MUSIC STARTS

Jerry

Yes, Daddy says we're all going to Philadelphia!

Hattie

No! You're not going to go to Philadelphia, you're going to stay right here!....

Jerry

Will you come back soon? You're my mummy, you know...

Hattie (Tenderly)

You bet I am, darling, and I want you to know that you got the finest daddy that ever lived in the world.... Another thing, even though I'm going away, I'll still be close to you, remember!

(Cue into solo for HATTIE - Reprise of BUDDIES)

(SONG) "BUDDIES"

What say, let's be buddies,
What say, let's be pals,
What say, let's be buddies,
And keep up each others marales.
I may never shout it,
But many's the time I'm blue,
What say, how's about it,
Can't I be a buddy to you?

(HATTIE EXITS after last note. BUDD enters from house with dinner pail)

Budd

Here we are...hot groceries for Daddy's supper. Do you want me to go to the Control House with you?

Jerry (Taking the pail)

No, I want to go alone. I like to do things for Daddy....

Budd

Don't daudle...hurry back, I'll be waiting for you.

Jerry

All right, Storky.

2-4-29

Nick
Not yet, but I will be supper time...

Jerry
I got a surprise for you.

Nick
What kind of a surprise?

Jerry
It's a present, but you can't see it till after you're finished working.

Nick
(HE is working and doesn't watch her)
My, aren't we mysterious?

Jerry
I'll put it here in your desk.

Nick
Okay, baby...

(JERRY places the dinner pail on the desk, and
slips the black leather container in the top drawer)

I have a ship in the locks now...Did you ever see one go
through?

Jerry
Not yet.

Nick

Well, look out of the window...Now when this little red light
goes on, I press the button here...and you'll see that great
big lock swing open....

Jerry
Oh, that's wonderful...Just by pressing the button?

Nick
Yes, it's all worked by remote control....

Jerry
Who's he?

Nick

Well, it....

(At this point the red light that indicates a ship
going through the locks goes on)

Now watch!

Jerry
It's opening now, daddy! Oh, that's wonderful! You must be
very important to be able to do that!

Nick
I'm not very important. Don't you think you ought to run on
home now, and have your supper? It's getting late.

Jerry
All right, daddy....good night....

(As she kisses him goodnight, HATTIE rushes into the
control room)

2-4-30

Hattie
(Grabbing JERRY by both arms)
Did you bring anything in here with you?

Jerry (Frightened)
Yes, Mummy....Daddy's supper....

Hattie
Nothing else? You didn't bring anything else?
(The same GUARD from outside rushes in without
his gun)

Guard (To HATTIE)
You can't come in here, Hattie....

Hattie (Angrily)
Let me alone! (To JERRY) What else did you bring in here?

Jerry
A suprise for Daddy....

Hattie
Where is it?

Jerry
I put it in the desk....
(HATTIE brushes JERRY aside and runs to the
desk, the GUARD following her)

Guard
Now Hattie! You know I can't let you come in here!

Hattie
Let me alone!

Guard
Hattie!
(HATTIE opens drawer, takes out package and runs
out with it. The GUARD runs after her. NICK,
JERRY, and WOOZY look after her in astonishment)

Nick
Well, what in the world's going on here?

Jerry
I don't know, daddy.

Nick
What was the present you had for me?

Jerry
I don't know, it was something Miss Hunter gave me. She told
me to put it in your desk.

EXPLOSION

(OFF STAGE we hear as deep and reverberating
an EXPLOSION as it is possible for us to create.
WOOZY leaps off the chair and stands trembling
in the middle of the room. NICK is overcome)

2-5-32

## ACT II

### SCENE V:

A STREET SCENE - Before Traveller.

RANDOLPH and JERRY ENTER.

Jerry (Authoritatively)

I want to talk to you!

Randolph

Now you mustn't worry about it....your Mommy and Daddy will be
released this afternoon. They're just being held for the in-
vestigation.

Jerry

Well, that's pretty good, but you're still in trouble with me.

Randolph

Why?

Jerry

'Cause you got us all split up. Daddy and I have to go back to
Philadelphia. Did you ever have to go back to Philadelphia?

Randolph

No, I never did....

Jerry

Well, then stop it.

Randolph

How?

Jerry

Let Daddy and Mommy get married the way they want to.

Randolph

Well, when we get to the house we'll talk about it over a
glass of lemonade.

(THEY start to go)

Jerry

You know, I'm disgusted with myself. (She stops) I should have
known that was a bomb. Imagine anybody my age being as dumb
as that! (THEY EXIT)

(WINDY walks on from one side and SKAT from the
other. SKAT running)

Skat

Did you see it? Did you see the papers? Did you see our
names in the paper?

Windy

No, where?

Skat

Right here! (Reading) "The presence of the conspirators in
Panama was first brought to the attention of the authorities
by Seeman Deegan, Briggs and Hogan"...That's us!

Windy

Gee, Ma'll turn cartwheels!

(WOOZY enters)

2nd Refrain: (Cont'd)

2-5-34

SKAT

'ALL

And beautiful bonnets from Lilly Daches,
And they want you to think it's the woman that
pays

God bless the women
And God help the men.

3rd Refrain:

ALL

God bless the women,
The wonderful, terrible women
We know they're not worth
The money we spend,

ALL

But they keep on gettin' us -- in the end,
Still God bless the women
Again and again and again.

I once was engaged to a girl named Clarice,
I caught her embracin' the Chief of Police

ALL

And I would up in jail for disturbin' the peace.

1st Encore Refrain:

God bless the women,
The wonderful, terrible women,
They turn down the lights,
They turn on the charm,
And then when you squeeze 'em they break your arm.

Still God bless the women,
Again and again and again.

I fell for a girl by the name of Marie,
An innocent wench and as shy as could be,
So I chased her around till she caught up to me,

God bless the women

And God help the men.

2nd Encore Refrain:

God bless the women,
The wonderful, terrible women,
They're devils or saints,
You never can tell.

They take you to heaven and give you hell,
Still God bless the women,
Again and again and again.

Whatever you do they're just one step ahead,
They read a man's thoughts like a book, so it's
said,

What a pity they don't do more reading in bed,
God bless the women
And God help the men.

(For encore 3 boys come back and WINDY makes the following speech) Windy

Ladies and gentlemen in behalf of my partners and myself, I wish
to thank you. WE DESERVE EVERY BIT OF IT. (THEY ALL EXIT)