1-1-2

Jeff

(At phone)

Hello! Give me the city desk ... Hello. City Desk? This
is Weston. I'm in the Warden's office at Lark's Nest Prison.
Keep the story exclusive! Hell, the place is lousy with re-
porters! I'll give you a flash as soon as I find out anything.

(He hangs up and the quartet sings part of a chorus with the band which is interrupted on MULLIGAN'S entrance)

Mulligan

What the hell's going on around here? Who gave you boys
permission to practice in the Warden's office?

Bill

We sent for them. We've been sitting around here three
hours waiting for the warden.

Mulligan

You boys finish your practicing in the gymnasium.

Arnita

This is the dullest prison I've ever seen.

(The band is packing up and leaving)

Jeff

Where is that guy? He's the Warden of Lark's Nest prison,
isn't he? He's supposed to run it. Isn't he ever here?

Mulligan

You know the Warden's on the air every Wednesday night.

Eleanor

That was last night.

Mulligan

He never comes back to Lark's Nest until the next day.

Arnita

This is the next day.

Mulligan

The Warden had to see his publishers this morning, and after
seeing his publishers he had to take a screen test for Darryl
Zamick.

(PLANA GAN enters)

Planagan

Here's the Warden.

Mulligan

Here's the warden now, boys.

1-1-3

(The WARDEN enters)

Warden
Hello, Mulligan. Hello, boys. Hello, girls.

Boys & Girls
Hello, Warden.

Jeff
Say, where the hell have you been? We want to know about
that prison break.

Warden
Now, now, hold your horses. I know nothing about any prison
break. I just got back this minute. And I've had one of the
most interesting days --

Bill
Well, find out about it.

Eleanor
We've got an edition to make.

Warden
Well, then you will have to wait until I have an opportunity
to investigate. And I promise you my investigation will be ---

Bill
Well, when will it be?

Warden
Later this afternoon for at this moment I have an appointment
with the head of the charity that helps ex-convicts. Mrs.
Duquesne is a very old friend of mine and I --

Eleanor
Nails O'Reilly Duquesne? She's an old friend of mine. I
broke the story when she married old Man Duquesne, the
millionaire.

Arnita
Yeah, but when old man Duquesne died and left her his fortune
she gave me the interview. It was a pip, too. Got me a $3
bonus.

Warden
Mulligan, tell Mrs. Duquesne I'm ready to see her.

Jeff
I knew her when she was a manicurist at the McAlpin.

Warden
Mrs. Duquesne's gone a long way since then. She's doing
a wonderful work.

1-1-4

(MULLIGAN enters)

Mulligan
Here's Mrs. Duquesne, Warden.

(NAILS enters)

Nails
Hi, Warden, I'm in again.

Warden
My dear Nails, it gives me great pleasure to -

Nails
Oh, newspaper people. Hello.

Boys & Girls
Hello, Nails.

Jeff
Hello, Nails. I never thought you'd be a philanthropist.

Nails
Say, listen. As long as my husband was alive I was true to
him.

Arnita
No, he means your charity -- this gag about helping ex-convicts.

Nails
That's no gag. I'm on the level. It's been taken up by the
Junior League.

Jeff
Yeah?

Nails
Sure -- they've accepted an invitation to my coming out
party.

Bill
Are you giving yourself a coming out party?

Nails
Oh, it ain't for me. That's why I'm here, Warden. I've
just been to the Parole Board. I've got five paroles here
and my coming out party is for the five guys who are coming
out on parole.

Warden
Well, if I have to lose my boys to anyone I'd rather lose
them to you.

(To Reporters)

I've known Mrs. Duquesne a great many years.

1-1-5

Warden (Cont'd.)

(To Nails)

I remember the first time I met you -- you were just a slip of a girl.

Nails

I remember, too -- I brought my father a cake on visiting day.

Warden

(To Reporters)

I liked her from the start.

Nails

You had a funny way of showing it -- you made the matron take the saw out of the cake.

Warden

And I watched her grow and bud until one day I realized she had blossomed into full-flowered womanhood.

Nails

That was the day he tried to search me personally.

Warden

(Embarrassed and changing the subject)

Well, Nails, I'm a busy man. You boys and girls wait for me in the publicity department. I'll be with you in a moment.

(The REPORTERS start out)

Jeff

You'd better dig up the dope on that prison break.

Warden

And if it turns out there's nothing in that, I can give you a very strong statement against capital punishment.

Bill

That's capital.

Eleanor

You mean that's punishment.

Arnita

So long, Nails, see you in the funny papers.

Nails

That's O.K. if you spell my name right.

(The REPORTERS exit)

1-1-6

Warden

Now Nails, what can I do for you?

Nails

Well, Warden, I'm trying to get some money for my charity.
I want five fellows that are good at raising money -- the
best you've got in the place.

Warden

Well, I have one man here who raised a check from $500
to 500,000.

Nails

He had big ideas.

Warden

He started in a small way, raising checks from $10 to $100
and he was so successful ---

Nails

I see. He forged right ahead. Well, that's not the way we want to raise money -- my lawyer's got a scheme that's legal but he says we ought to have somebody who knows the policy racket.

Warden

Policy Racket? The one you need is Policy Pinkle.

Nails

Let me have a look at him.

Warden

(Picking up phone)

Let me talk to No. 924.

(Pause)

We have the best men in every field here. Ah, Pinkle, well
I'm glad I caught you. I want you to come up to the office
a minute.

(Pause)

Well, I'd appreciate it very much. I'm sure they'll wait
for you. Good -- that's fine.

(He hangs up and turns to Nails)

I was fortunate to catch him. He was just leaving.

Nails

Leaving?

Warden

Well, I should say -- he's the captain of one of our teams
and was on his way to a match with Dannemora. These boys
love their games.

Nails

You know you're too laxative with these boys, Warden.

1-1-7

### Warden

Oh no -- I am merely trying to rehabilitate these men -- to refit them for their place in society.

### Nails

I wouldn't encourage them that way, Warden. From what I've seen of society I'd rather be in jail.

(MULLIGAN enters)

### Mulligan

Did you send for 924?

### Warden

Yes, send him right in.

### Mulligan

All right -- the Warden's waiting for you.

(POLICY PINKLE enters. He is dressed in complete polo outfit of prison stripes, with puttees, spurs and solar topoe and is carrying a polo mallet)

### Pinkle

Hi, Warden. We're going to kill those guys today.
(brandishes mallet)

Feel that mallet. It's loaded with lead. Am I anticipating.
Am I anticipating? Make it snappy, Warden, I've got a date
with a horse.

### Warden

Pinkle, I want you to give a few moments to a friend of mine.

### Pinkle

And for that you're delaying the battle of the century! Down on that field they're waiting for me -- my brave men and the enemy, Dannemora. The horses are champing at the bit. The crowd is ready to send up its cheers. The world waits for the result. And you ask me to talk to a friend of yours. It's fantastic -- that's what it is - fantastic.

(He starts out, sees Nails and turns)
Who's the dame?

### Warden

This is the lady I wanted you to meet. Nails, this is Policy Pinkle, the captain of our polo team. He's a ten goal man.

### Nails

You mean he's been knocked for a goal ten times?

### Pinkle

A punster. Telling me a pun. He a punster of punsters.
Warden, go out and tell my horse I'll be a little late.

1-1-8

### Pinkle (Cont'd.)

And don't take may for an answer. I'll pun you right off
your feet, lady.

### Warden

I'll leave you with Mrs. Duquesne. She's the lady who
helps the boys when they get out of prison.

(WARDEN exits)

### Pinkle

So you're Mrs. Duquesne. Am I disillusioned -- I thought
you were an old lady with a beard.

### Nails

Mr. Pinkle, they tell me you're a good man at raising money.

### Pinkle

Well -- I don't want to brag -- but I got ten years and if
they'd been any justice I'd a got life.

### Nails

You and I are going to raise a lot of money together --
my lawyer's got a wonderful scheme.

### Pinkle

If a lawyer thought of it, it's no good, lady. You know
what Aristotle says about the legal mind?

### Nails

No.

### Pinkle

That rakes us even.

### Nails

I don't care what your friend says about lawyers -- this
one of mine is good. I'm nuts about him.

### Pinkle

But is he nuts about you?

### Nails

That's how good he is -- I don't know.

### Pinkle

You tell me about this scheme of his and I'll tell you how
good he is.

### Nails

You'll hear all about it tomorrow night. I'm giving a big
party for you at my house in New York.

1-1-9

Pinkle

In New York? Listen, lady, they got strict rules here.
If you're not in bed by twelve o'clock when they turn out
the lights you're an old maid.

Nails

When you start with me you'll never see this place again.

Pinkle

You mean I've got to leave here.

Nails

Yeah, I've got it all fixed with the parole board.

Pinkle

Lady, I don't care if you've got it fixed with the Supreme
Court, six to three, maybe eight to one, Brandeis don't like
me.

Nails

But there's millions in it.

Pinkle

I can't leave the polo team until I get my letter.

Nails

Well, if you're expecting a letter you can leave a forwarding
address.

Pinkle

Oh, so you want to bandy words with me. Lady, this is no
time for bandages. My team depends on me.

Nails

I've got five paroles. Bring 'em along.

Pinkle

That gives me pause, lady. I would like to play Headowbrook
and they won't come here for a game. If there's anything I
hate it's a snobbery.

Nails

I want you to talk to my lawyer. I'll get him on the phone.
(She picks up telephone)
Hello. Get me Mr. Robert Hale in New York. Algonquin 4-8065.

Pinkle

It's no good, lady, I couldn't leave here. I couldn't give
all this up. It's my life. I love every minute of it.
The cheery good morning to the keeper when he wakes you.
The bright, silent faces at the breakfast table. Passing
notes to each other at Chapel. Our little chats in the
exercise yard. The hours well-spent on the rockpile. Oh,
the satisfaction of making little ones out of big ones.

1-1-10

Pinkle (Cont'd.)

Comes four o'clock and we're free for our games and our
romps. After the pleasures of the day a quiet evening in a
cozy cell with a good book. Good night. Lights out. And
the turn of the key in the lock. That's what you're asking
me to give up.

Nails

Gee, I didn't know you boys liked it so well in the big house.

Pinkle

The big house. That I should stay in the same room with any-
one who calls this the big house. This is the big home,
lady --- the big home.

(He exits. The telephone rings)

(MAILS goes to answer it when the low
wall of the prison siren starts and in-
creases to crescendo. The WARDEN rushes
on, excitedly. He rushes to the phone
and picks up the receiver)

Warden

What is it?

(REPORTERS and MULLIGAN rush on. The
siren sounds again)

Mulligan

It's another break, Warden.

Reporters

Do you have one of these every day?
What kind of a place is this!
This is one you can't deny.

Warden

Go after them, man, go after them.

(FLANAGAN enters dragging in PINKLE)

Flanagan

We've got them, Warden. We found ten men hiding in Cell 924.

Warden

That's your cell, Pinkle.

Flanagan

He's the ring leader. He engineered the whole thing.

Warden

Pinkle, you're through -- you're off the team.

1-1-11

But, Warden, listen --      Pinkle

You're out of jail --      Warden

But let me tell you --      Pinkle

You're paroled.            Warden

It's capricious -- that's what it is -- it's capricious.      Pinkle

Did you help those ten men break out of here?      Nails

Hell, no. Who'd want to break out of here. I helped those
guys break in.      Pinkle

BLACKOUT

1-2-2

Vivian

Anne, you're the best President the Junior League ever had.

Sonny

She's the best of everything. Anne's the greatest girl in the whole wide ----

Anne

Sonny!

(She pulls him away down stage)

Vivian

Girls, let's go right to work.

Girls

Work?

Vivian

We've got something to talk about!

(They huddle into groups and gossip)

Sonny

Do you think they noticed anything?

Anne

Oh, Sonny, why not keep our love to ourselves. Let's keep it now and fresh.

Sonny

Then let's get away from people - away from New York.

Anne

Yes, dear, that will do it.

(Into Number:

## OURS

Anne, Sonny
and Girls

## VERSE:

He

The high gods above,
Look down and laugh at our love
And say to themselves "How tawdry it's grown"
They've seen our cars,
In front of so many bars
When we should be under the stars,
Together, but alone.
Curs is the chance to make romance our own.

1-2-4

Anne

You've been meeting them all evening. All her servants are ex-convicts.

(Enter FINGERS)

Sonny

I beg your pardon -- you're the new butler, aren't you?

Pingers

Yes, buddy.

Anne

Does Mrs. Duquesne know we're here?

Pingers

Yes, girlie -- the boss will show up in a minute.

Vivian

I can hardly wait for those men to get here.

Pingers

This is all right with me. I like the dames. Hello, Toots! --
Can I have the next dance?

Grace

But there isn't any dancing.

Fingers

If you change your mind, I'm in my pantry.
(Exits)

Vivian

I wouldn't have missed this party for anything.

Betty

I wish father would get us a butler like that.

Kay

Me, too. It might keep mother home nights.

(They form in a group. SONNY and ANNE have gone up stage into another group. FINGERS enters)

Pingers

Mr. Robert Hale.

(BOB enters and greets everyone. No one pays any attention to him)

Bob

(Finally turns to Pingers)
My name is Hale.

1-2-5

My name is Fingers.

Fingers

Bob
Well, I'm mighty pleased to know you.

Pingers
It's nice knowing you, too. You're Bob Hale, aren't you?
I've heard the Boss speak about you, Bob.

Bob
Oh, yes, Mrs. Duquesne -- a lovely woman, too.

Pingers
Yes, she got me out of jail.

Bob
Really, what's your racket?

Pingers
I'm a pick pocket by trade.

Bob
Well, we're practically in the same profession.

Pingers
Why! Are you a pick pocket?

Bob
No, I'm a lawyer. Say, how do you go about that pick pocket-
ing. Do you have to go to school or do you just pick it up.

Pingers
Well, I started by standing on a corner one day. All at
once a guy has his pocket in my hand.

Bob
Yeah it's funny the way those pockets keep sneaking up on
you.

(GIRLS laugh)

I think they're coming to.
(He turns to Fingers, whispers in his
car and exits)

Mr. Robert Taylor.

Fingers

(BOB re-enters. The GIRLS turn and make
a dash for him. BOB snubs them and turns
to Fingers)

1-2-6

Bob

Yes, sir, you just keep dipping around - you'll come up with something one of these days.

Vivian

Mr. Hale, since when has it been au fait to chat with butlers?

Fingers

Lady I wasn't always a butler. This is just as tough on me as it is on you.

(FINGERS draws himself up and stalks out)

Bob

Vivian, that man was once the best pickpocket in New York. You've hurt him. Under that humble cloak beats a heart of gold and my watch.

Vivian

Did he steal your watch?

Third Girl

My necklace!

(She runs off after FINGERS)

Fourth Girl

My ring!

(She runs off, too)

Vivian

My bracelet!

(She and the other GIRLS, except GRACE, runs off)

Grace

My goodness!

Bob

You didn't lose that here!

(GRACE exits)

(SONNY and ANNE come down to Bob)

Sonny & Anne

Hello, Bob.

Bob

Hello, Anne. Hello, Sonny.

Sonny

We can tell Bob our news, can't we?

Anne

Sonny, we promised not to tell a soul.

1-2-7

Sonny

Bob's not a soul.

Bob

Just a heel.

Sonny

Anne and I are desperately in love. We're going to be married.

Bob

Married? You must be desperate. Where's it going to be?

Anne

We don't even know ourselves. We'll just sneak away and
be married quietly in the country.

Bob

Oh, that sounds fine. You can be married in the country,
and then on your honeymoon you can go to town.

Sonny

It's going to be an elopement. Can you imagine? A moonlight
night. A ladder against her window. She climbs down in the
moonlight. And there I am at the foot of the ladder looking
up into her eager, expectant face.

Bob

Yes -- if she comes down head first.

(SONNY and ANNE exit)

(PINGERS enters)

Pingers

Peaches! Peaches!

Peaches

(Off stage)
What do you want?

(PEACHES enters)

Say, who are all these dames? What kind of a house is this!
I gotta be careful. I'm out on parole.

Pingers

Don't let 'em worry you. They're society dames.

Peaches

Well they look like the night shift to me.

Pingers

Go tell the boss her boy friend's here.

1-2-8

## Peaches

Oh, is Bob here?

(Sees Bob)

Yoo-hoo Bob. I got something for you.

## Bob

(To Girls off stage)

My laundry's back.

What?

(PEACHES walks to Bob, grabs him in a deathlike grip, kisses him vehemently -- with BOB all the time fighting her off desperately. He finally breaks from her)

## Peaches

I knew you'd get to like me.

## Bob

Peaches don't do that. You ought to be able to resist me.

## Peaches

After all, Bob, I'm only human.

## Bob

Who told you that?

## Peaches

Bob, we're alone now - you know two is company.

## Bob

Yes, and three is the result. And if you make any more passes at me you know what I'm going to do. I'm going to turn you over my knee and spank you.

## Peaches

O.K. How about tonight?

(FINGERS enters)

## Bob

Go tell Mrs. Duquesne I'm here.

## Peaches

Yoo-hoo -- Nails -- Bob's here.

(NAILS enters)

## Nails

Peaches, don't you know better than to yell for me?

## Peaches

Well, you yell for me.

1-8-9

Nails

That's different. I'm supposed to yell for you.

Fingers

I don't think either one of you should yell at each other.
It shows lousy breeding.

(Exits)

Nails

Is that so? --- breeding isn't everything.

Bob

No, but it's a lot of fun.

Nails

Now Peaches, you watch the door for a few minutes.

Peaches

I ain't supposed to watch the door, that's his job.

Bob

Now Peaches -- go watch the door.

Peaches

O.K. I'd do anything for you, Bob.

(Exits)

Nails

That's why I'm against prisons. They're a bad influence.

I have a hell of a time teaching these people manners.

Bob

Well, these ex-convicts are pretty tough on your guests.

Your charity shouldn't begin at home.

Nails

I feel so sorry for them --- Peaches there was sent to
reform school when she was just a child.

Bob

What for?

Nails

Contributing to the delinquency of an adult.

Bob

Well she can take contribution off her income tax if they're
for charity.

(Straightens tie)

I don't think these servants are any help to your social
standing.

Nails

Say, if I were sure of your society I'd say Nuts to social

1-2-11

Nails

What's the matter with you? Just as I think I've got you warmed up, you cool off. You've got a funny altitude toward me. Don't you like me?

Of course I like you. Bob

Nails
You don't like me enough. Is there somebody else?

Well, yes -- and no. Bob

Nails
So that's it. Who is she? What's her name?

Baby. Bob

Nails
And your name's Daddy. One of those things. Where does she live?

I wish I knew. Bob

Nails
When did you see her last?

Bob
Let's see -- it was 1916. I was six and she was four.

Nails
Don't tell me you got her into trouble.

Bob

Well, in a way --- We both lived on Riverside Drive and we used to play in her mother's kitchen. One day her mother was making waffles for us. She had the iron on the stove. Baby was standing on a chair beside the stove. I tried to steal a kiss - you know -- one of those. It threw her off balance and she sat down -- on the waffle iron. Somehow that broke up the romance.

Nails
She's probably forgotten all about you.

Bob

No Nails, she couldn't. It was a hot waffle iron. It did something to me, too. I've never been able to get her out of my mind.

1-2-12

Pingers

Mr. Warden Sloan and party of five.
Mr. Flap-Ears Metalli.

Mr. Ratface Dugan.

Mr. Slaughterhouse McCarty.

Mr. Louis the Louse.

Mr. Policy Pinkle.

Nails

Mr. Pinkle, I'm so glad you're here. I want you to meet my lawyer, Mr. Hale.

Pinkle

Hail and farewell. If there's anything I hate, it's a mouthpiece.

Nails

Girls, these are our guests of honor.

Bob

And they look like a mighty fine body of rats.

Pinkle

The finest in the world. Maybe I was wrong about you --
I'm beginning to like you.

Bob

Pickle.

Nails

These young ladies are members of the Junior League.

Pinkle

A baseball team!

Nails

No, the Junior League means that these girls are in society,
and the reason we're all here tonight is because Mr. Hale's
thought of a wonderful scheme to raise money for my charity;
and to help us, we're going to have Mr. Policy Pinkle and his
own personal staff.

Pinkle

Wait a minute, lady -- Is this scheme legal?

Bob

Perfectly legal.

Pinkle

Then we're licked before we start. I wouldn't be any good
at anything legal.

Nails

I'm going to cut you in for ten percent.

1-2-13

Pingers

Mr. Ratface Dugan.

Mr. Slaughterhouse McCarty.

Mr. Louis the Louse.

Mr. Policy Pinkle.

Nails

Pinkle

Nails

Bob

Pinkle

Bob

Pickle.

Nails

Pinkle

A baseball team!

Nails

Pinkle

Bob

Perfectly legal.

Pinkle

Nails

1-2-14

Pinkle

Don't tempt me, lady. I can't afford to get mixed up into
anything legal now, 'cause I won't be happy until I'm back
in jail.

Warden

Pinkle, I'll tell you what I'll do. I want you to help Mrs. Duquesne --- and if you make a success of this scheme I'll let you come back to Lark's Nest.

Pinkle

Do you mean that, Warden?

Warden

I give you my word.

Pinkle

Then I accept the nomination.
(Cheers)

Let's go! Where are the suckers and what do we use for bait?

Bob

Here's the bait. We're going to run a lottery.
(Cheers)

I've discovered that there's no law against lotteries in the
District of Columbia, so we're going to run our lottery in
Washington.

Pinkle

Washington. That's the greatest place in the world for
taking money away from suckers.

Anne

But, Bob -- you've got to distribute tickets. Isn't it
against the law to use the mails?

Nails

He's thought of everything. That's where you girls come in.

Bob

If we can't use the mails -- we'll use the females. You
girls will distribute the tickets by airplane.

Nails

We're going to give half the money as first prize.

Anne

What is first prize?

Bob

It has to be a reward for some achievement. We've got to
put our heads together.

1-2-15

Pinkle
All right -- I choose you.

Nails
He means we've got to think.

Pinkle
Oh, you're going to do it the hard way.

Nails
Bob, I forgot those reporters downstairs. Go and get them, will you?

Bob
Always a bridesmaid! While I'm gone, be thinking about the first prize. It has to be something everybody's interested in for the lottery.

Pinkle
I've got it -- sex.

Bob
No, Pinkle, this is a lottery not a stork derby.
(Exits)

Vivian
They usually give rewards for somebody that's escaped or missing.

Pinkle
Lady, I regard that crack as undiplomatic.

Nails
Do you suppose we could run this thing around a love affair?

Sonny
Yes, everybody's interested in love affairs.

Vivian
Especially other people's love affairs.

Pinkle
You're telling me -- the time I've wasted at keyholes.

Nails
I've got it!

All
What is it? Tell us about it ---

Nails
It's the first prize in the lottery. Listen. Years ago a boy loved a girl. She was young and sweet and innocent.

1-2-16

Pinkle

How do you know?

Nails

She was four years old. She was four and he was six, and
then they were separated. He's a grown man now and he still
loves her. He wants to find her and marry her. But he
doesn't even know her name. All he knows is that they
used to call her Baby.

Vivian

And we're going to help him find her?

Nails

All America's going to help find her. That's the first prize
in the lottery. It goes to the ticket holder who finds Baby.

Sonny

That's great. Now this lottery means something.

Pinkle

It's dynamite -- and now can we stop thinking, 'cause I'm
not used to it.

Vivian

Let's stop thinking and start drinking.

Nails

There's plenty to eat and drink on the terrace.

Pinkle

I'm a little late, folks, so I'll start now.
(He makes a dash. The CROWD follows
except SONNY and NAILS. PINKLE comes
back through the crowd with half a
sandwich)

While I was gone I was thinking this thing over. We ain't
get much to go on to find this girl.

Nails

We know this much -- and we can tell this to the public.
When she was four years old in 1918 she lived on Riverside
Drive and they called her Baby.

Pinkle

A lot of babies have lived on Riverside Drive.

Nails

We'll know this Baby when we find her. Love has left its
mark. He tried to kiss her and she sat down on a hot waffle
iron.

Pinkle

A hot waffle iron? Wait a minute - we can't start people
looking for a girl with a waffle on her heinie. It would
turn the whole country upside down.

2-1-17

Nails

Only half the country.

Sorry

I tell you. Why not make that mark our secret? Nobody else
will know. We'll be the judges.

Nails

Yes, and we'll examine the candidates.

Pinkle

And I'm head man.

(BOB enters)

Bob

I'm sorry, Nails, but we'll have to do without the reporters.

Nails

You mean they've walked out on us.

Bob

No -- they passed out on us.

Sonny

And we've got a great story for them. Tell Bob about it, Nails.

Nails

Tell him about it! He's the boy.

Sonny

You mean Bob?

Bob

What am I supposed to be now?

Pinkle

You're the catch of the season.

Nails

We're going to run this lottery just for you. We're going
to give first prize to whoever finds Baby.

Bob

Well wait a minute--

Pinkle

Come on, there's man's work to be done.

Sonny

Already? What do you mean?

Pinkle

There are thirty girls out there on the porch and maybe one
of them likes to sit on maple syrup.

2-1-10

DOWN IN THE DEPTHS. (Cont'd.)

REPAIR:

With a million neon rainbows burning below us,
And a million blazing taxis raising a roar,
Here I sit, above the town
In my pet pailletted gown,
Down in the depths, on the ninetieth floor,
While the mob at El Morocco punish the parrot
And, at Twenty-One, the couples clamor for more,
I'm deserted and depressed
In my regal eagle-nest,
Down in the depths, on the ninetieth floor,
When the only one you wanted wants another
What's the use of swank and cash in the bank
galore?
Why, even the janitor's wife
Has a perfectly good- love-life
And here am I,
Facing tomorrow
Alone with my sorrow,
Down in the depths, on the ninetieth floor.

(At finish of Number close Curtain -
NAILS does encore in I)

1-3-2

**Sonny**

Now girls, here's your flying schedule. Olive and Mary you take off at 7 with 100,000 tickets for the West coast. Helen and Jerry another 100,000 to Chicago and Shirley, and Jane, 80,000 to Atlanta.

**Olive**

The part I like is bringing the money back.

**Bill**

You'll bring the money back. You'll sell every one of those tickets.

**Jeff**

America hasn't been so excited about anything since the war. It's the damndest thing I've ever seen.

**Slim**

But the way it spread over the whole country.

**Sonny**

That's just it -- nobody knows where Baby went from Riverside Drive. She may be found anywhere from Maine to California.

**Bill**

Do you really think it's the romance angle that's set the country on fire?

**Sonny**

Every woman in this country wishes she could marry Bob, the lottery lover.

**Jeff**

Yeah, the girls are nuts about him, but what's selling those tickets is the prize money. You people certainly were saps when you announced that half the money would go to whoever found Baby.

**Sonny**

We didn't think it would go over a million.

**Shorty**

What's the take up to date?

**Sonny**

When I left the office it was over 800 million.

**Jeff**

400 million dollars to the winner -- that's the answer.

(BOB enters)

1-3-5

Bob

Oh, Sonny, I --

(The GIRLS leap for him and almost
smother him with kisses. HE fights
his way out of them)

Wait a minute --

(He clears himself. He kisses one
of them)

Pass that around. Now girls, that's got to last you until
Thursday.

(To Sonny)

Oh, Sonny, I just wanted to tell you you'll have to take
charge today. Nails and Pinkle and I have been invited down
to the Senate.

(He pulls out a paper with a red seal
on it)

Jeff

That's not an invitation -- that's a subpoena.

Bob

Yes --- youth will be served.

Bill

What do they want with you?

Bob

Well, this thing's gone over so well they may want us to put
the whole country on a lottery basis -- you know, pick
Congressman out of a hat.

Jeff

That would be a hell of a way to pick Congressman.

Bob

We couldn't lose.

(ARNITA and ETHELYN enter. ETHELYN rushes over to Bob)

Ethelyn

Oh Bob.

(She kisses him)
I'm Baby.

Bob

Is that so?

Arnita

And I'm her manager. Here's my tick
candidate.

Ethelyn

I know I'm Baby. I feel it at the bot

1-3-4

Bob
It's more vice versa.

Arnita
You remember Baby, don't you, Mr. Hale?

Bob
I'm not sure - there's something familiar about you.
(He kisses Ethelyn)
Maybe it's me.

Sorry
If she's a candidate she has to be registered down at head-
quarters.

Bob
At hindquarters too.

Arnita
Then let's get going. Come, Baby. You know this girl is
from an old knickerbocker family.

Jeff
(Sotto)
Do you think she's really Baby?

Bob
Well, it's hard to tell with knickerbockers.

(ARNITA pulls Ethelyn off)
I thought I wasn't going to enjoy this contest --

(MRS. PEABODY enters, grabs Bob)

Mrs. Peabody
Oh ---
(She kisses Bob)

Bob
---And now I'm sure of it.

Mrs. Peabody
Oh, Mr. Hale, I recognized you the minute I saw you.

(BOB shies away)

Bob
Don't tell me you're Baby.

Mrs. Peabody
No ---it's my niece. Come on, Baby.

1-3-5

(BABY enters. She weighs at least 300 pounds and if possible 800)

That's Baby?

Bob

Mrs. Peabody
Yes, and I knew when you saw her you wouldn't look any further.

Bob
I can't see any further.

Mrs. Peabody
Of course she didn't exactly live on Riverside Drive.

Bob
Well, not all of her, I know.

Mrs. Peabody
She lived on Commonwealth Avenue.

Bob
That's in Boston.

Mrs. Peabody
Yes.

Bob
I see- that's sort of the Riverside Drive of Boston.

Mrs. Peabody
That's just what I told myself.

Bob
Oh, you talk to yourself, too! You'd better truck her down to the lottery headquarters.

Mrs. Peabody
Lottery headquarters? Is that where I buy a ticket?

Bob
Oh, you haven't got a ticket?

Sonny
Now, really Bob, we--

Bob
I know what you mean Sonny, we ought to charge more for that acreage, but we'll only cultivate the southwest forty and let the rest go to pasturage. We can't do anything with those hills. $5. madam.

(He takes money, gives her ticket)

1-3-6

Mrs. Peabody
Come Baby.

Bob
What a waffle.

Mrs. Peabody
Well, good-bye, Mr. Hale. You'll be seeing more of baby.

Bob
My God, did you leave some of her in Boston?

Mrs. Peabody
Good-bye.
(Exits with PAT GIRL)

Bob
You never said a truer word.

(Enter LOUELLA, who is colored, from opposite side)

Louella
Gentlemen! Which way is the lottery headquarters?

Sonny
Have you got a candidate?

Louella
I am a candidate.

Bob
A burnt waffle. Sonny, carry on --
(He starts out)

Louella
Bob--
(BOB runs)
Wait for baby!

(She runs off after him. They go into "Carry On".)

BLACK OUT

ACT ONE

Scene IV

A COMMITTEE ROOM IN THE SENATE.

This is a shallow set in about 2½.
A double door SR only. A long table
left of center with four chairs in
which at rise of curtain are discovered
seated, SENATOR MALVINSKY, SENATOR
O'SHAUGHNESSY and SENATOR MUSILOVITCH
and SENATOR DEL GRASSO.

Right of center, down stage is a large
upholstered witness chair, with no
arms.

Musilovitch

Gentlemen, I can't understand it. We've passed a law against everything else in the District of Columbia.

Del Grasso

How did we overlook passing a law against a lottery?

Malvinsky

How did we overlook starting a lottery. Gentlemen, the
committee will come to order. We've been called into special
session by the President to raise $500,000,000.

Del Grasso

There's only one thing to do and we all know it. While we're
trying to raise five hundred million this lottery outfit sneaks
in and raises 8000,000,000.

Malvinsky

Yes, there ought to be some way of getting that away from
them.

Del Grasso

Let's confiscate it.

Musilovitch

The Supreme Court would never stand for it.

Del Grasso

The Supreme Court's on vacation.

Malvinsky

Say, I forgot about that! It would be fun t
for a couple of weeks.

1-4-2

(SERGEANT AT ARMS enters)

Sergeant at Arms
The witnesses are here.

Malvinsky
Show in that Mrs. Duquesne.

(NAILS and BOB enter)

Sergeant At Arms
Mrs. Duquesne.

Nails
How are you boys?

Malvinsky
Mrs. Duquesne?

Nails
That's me.

Malvinsky
I'm afraid you can't bring your friends in here.

Nails
He's no friend -- he's my lawyer, Mr. Robert Hale.

Musilovitch
Mr. Robert Hale?

Malvinsky
(Surprised)
This isn't the Mr. Hale that's the lottery lover?

Del Grasso
Gentlemen, on the face of it - it's crooked.

Bob
Is my face on crooked?

Nails
Say -- we didn't come here to be insulted.

Bob
Oh, yes we did. Nails -- this is a Senate investigating committee.

Malvinsky
(To Bob)
We'll get to you in due time. Mrs. Duquesne, be seated.
(He points to witness chair and NAILS sits there)

1-4-3

Bob

Nails, Nails -- you're not on the witness stand.

Nails

(Laughs and pulls skirts down)
Oh, I'm so used to juries.

Musilovitch

I think it should be thoroughly understood that Mrs. Duquesne
is on the witness stand.

(NAILS pulls the skirts back up)

Malvinsky

As a matter of fact, this is a very high tribunal.

Nails

(Pulling the skirts way up)
I'll go as high as you will.

Bob

Gentlemen, I think my client should be warned that whatever
she discloses may be used against her.

Malvinsky

So far it's all in her favor.

Del Grasso

And if you try to interfere with the introduction of further
evidence you'll be held in contempt of the Senate.

Malvinsky

(To Musilovitch)

Why borrow trouble? There's enough contempt for the Senate
as it is. Mrs. Duquesne, did you bring the records of the
lottery with you?

Nails

On advice of counsel, our records will be shown only to duly
constipated authorities.

Del Grasso

Witness will understand we are duly -- that we have full
authority.

Malvinsky

As a matter of fact we've already seized your telegrams.
Every one of them is from a young lady who claims she's
Baby. Since they can't all be Baby, this opens up immense
possibilities for fraud.

Nails

We'll know the right Baby when we see her.

1-4-4

Malvinsky

You mean Mr. Hale will recognize this girl after twenty years?

Bob

It will depend upon my point of view.

Nails

Sure- she's got a certain mark.

Musilovitch

A mark of identification? What is it?

Nails

Well, it's --

(BOB signals her to stop)

I can't tell you.

Malvinsky

On what grounds?

Nails

That's just it -- I can't tell you what grounds it's on.

Del Grasso

Who knows the mark of identification?

Bob

Only the Judges - the heads of the lottery.

Del Grasso

Gentlemen, I think this whole thing is based on deceit.

Bob

You're getting warmer.

Malvinsky

(To Bob)

Mr. Hale, we demand to know what this mark of identification is.

Bob

I refuse to answer.

Musilovitch

Then you will take the consequences.

Malvinsky

You are dismissed.

Del Grasso

(Rises)

Do you know what happens to witnesses who flout the authority of the United States Senate?

1-4-6

Pinkle (Cont'd.)

(Standing)

What's your real name?

(Sitting)

B. Pinkle.

(Standing)

What does the B stand for?

(Sitting)

Do I have to tell that?

(Standing S. R.)

Answer my question.

(Sitting)

Bertram.

(Standing)

Ah-ahah. Bertram. Now Bertram -- where were you in 1910?

(Sitting)

Reform school.

(Standing S. R.)

And where were you in 1912?

(Sitting)

In jail.

(Standing S. L.)

And in 1915?

(Sitting S. L.)

In prison.

(Standing S. R.)

And in 1918?

(Sitting)

In the penitentiary.

(Standing)

So you won't talk, eh? But you weren't serving time in 1920.

(He trips over himself)

Keep your feet in. What were you doing in 1920?

(Sitting)

Leading the life of Reilly.

(Standing S. R.)

And what happened then?

(Sitting)

Reilly came home.

(Standing)

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

(To Malvinsky)

Your honor, I'll prove economically and exclusively that this
defendant, grammatically speaking, was an encumbrance to
society.

(Sitting)

Huh?

(Standing)

Don't try to play innocent. Remember I know you. You're the
kind of a guy who would steal from his own grandmother.

(Sitting)

I did.

(Standing)

Swine! Didn't you and McCloskey rob the First National Bank.

1-4-7

Pinkle (Cont'd.)

(Sitting)
We was there at the time.
(Standing)
And didn't you steal the McCloskey's share of the money?
(Sitting)
It's a lie -
(Standing)
What?
(Sitting)
I only just borrowed it.
(Standing)
And to do it didn't you stab McCloskey in the back? Answer
my question?
(Sitting)
I was only trying to hide the knife.
(Standing)
And you can't deny it. Can you?
(Sitting)
I'm guilty, I'm telling you. I confess. How can I hide
anything from such a master mind. Your vocabulary traps me.
Send me back to Larksnest.
(Standing)
Gentlemen, the defense rests.

BLACKOUT

ACT ONE

Scene 4 1/2

Scene in front
of Curtains.

After Blackout on Committee Room PINKLE
and RIGHT BOYS enter into 1 for number.
BOYS enter 4 and 4 from R. and L.
PINKLE enters S.R., followed by DUGAN,
SIMPSON, METELLI and LOUIE.

Hey, Pinkle.

Metelli

What do you want?

Pinkle

Metelli
Before we get to the bank, don't you think you ought to give
us the layout.

Pinkle
Flap Ears, you and the Louse act as lookouts. Dugan, Simpson
will crack the safe. Don't worry about me, I'll be in the
vicinity.

(Enter REPORTERS from opposite side S.L.)

Bill
Hello, Pinkle. It looks as though there's going to be trouble.

Pinkle
Oh, somebody tipped you off, eh?

Jeff
There's a rumor the senate's going to stop the lottery and
there's a big crowd up at the Capitol pretty sore about it.

Bill
Why don't you guys quit stalling and find Baby?

Shorty
Yeah -- beat them to it.

Pinkle
We'll find Baby all right. Who knows, one of you guys might
turn out to be Baby.

Slim
Don't you know better than to kid newspaper men?

ACT ONE

Scene Five

This is a full stage set.
The Lottery headquarters in the Dolly
Madison House. It is a large room in
a beautiful Colonial mansion.
Single door down stage R & L. As cur-
tain rises, ANN and SONNY are seen
bending over a large desk, checking
some figures. Upstage, beyond columns,
girls are seated at tables receiving
reports over table telephones. A
telephone on end tables. CANDIDATES in
Street Scene are on at Rise - VIVIAN
and GRACE ad lib - colored girl and
PAT GIRL towards exit.

Vivian

Here's the final report for the day. 25,500,000.

Sonny

Wait a minute. That does it. Girls we passed a billion.

(GIRLS cheer, Enter NAILS)

Nails

What's happened? "What's all the noise?"

Sonny

We passed a billion dollars.

Nails

Gee, that sounds like a hunk of money. I wish I'd learned to count.

Anne

I think we ought to celebrate.

Nails

All right, girls -- knock off work for the day. Fingers,
champagne for everybody in the garden.

(The GIRLS squeal and exit)

Any word from Congress?

Sonny

Congress won't dare stop us now.

Nails

They'd better not try. What kind of a Government would
interfere with an honest charity in a worthy cause?

Anne

They haven't any right to stop it -- the country wants it.

Nails

You two have done a swell job. Sonny, I don't know what we'd
have done without you. Getting this place for our Headquarters
was great.

Sonny

It is nice, isn't it? They didn't want to let us open it up,
It's the old Dolly Madison House, you know.

Nails

So I heard. What happened to Dolly --did they raid her?

Anne

No ...she was the wife of President Madison.

Nails

And she ran a place like this on the side? I don't believe
it. They'll say anything about a President's wife.

Anne

I think we all deserve a little of that champagne.

Sonny

Yes -- come on, Nails.

(SONNY and ANNE exit. BOB enters and
NAILS turns back to him)

Nails

Bob, what's the matter?

Your face is covered with blood.

Bob

Blood, hell! ---That's lipstick.

Nails

Well, after all, you're the lottery lover.

Bob

Yes, and every time I show my face - 5,000 women try to kiss it.

Nails

Well, I can't blame them for that, but what's your objection?

Bob

Listen, Nails --I don't mind kissing retail -- you know when
you can shop around for it -- but wholesale, I like to look
before I lip.

Nails

Well, it'll all be over when you marry Baby.

1-5-3

Bob

Nails, I've got something to tell you. I'm not going to marry Baby.

Nails

What do you mean?

Bob

I'm in love with somebody else.

Nails

What?

Bob

I was in love before I went into this Lottery, but being a lawyer I wouldn't permit me to admit it to myself.

Nails

Gee, bob -- how much do you think I can stand!

Bob

Let me tell you about it.

Nails

I don't want to hear about it. Bob, I played along with you as far as I could. When I found out you were in love with a girl and had been for twenty years -- why, I was so nuts about you I wanted you to have her. Then, just as it looks as though you're going to find her -- you have to fall in love with somebody else.

Bob

I was rushed into this thing. As soon as I started, I knew it was all wrong. I knew Baby wasn't the one I really loved.

Nails

But are you sure you love this other girl?

Bob

I keep dreaming about her every night. But being a gentleman, I keep waking myself up.

Nails

You don't think that makes me feel so good, do you?

Bob

Well then, this may make you feel better -- it's YOU.

Nails

It's me, Bob?

Bob

Yes, Nails--

Nails

Well, this is a fine time to tell me. You let us set you up
as the Lottery Winner. You let us get the whole country
searching for Baby.

Bob

You sound as though you're sore.

Nails

When I thought it was somebody else, I was sure. And now
that I know it's me -- I think I'm twice as sore.

Bob

But I'm the one who shouldn't be sore -- damn it I'm in love
with you.

Nails

And damnit I'm in love with you too and we're in hell of a
fix. What are we going to do --what about the lottery?

Bob

We'll just call it off.

Nails

Maybe Congress HAS called it off. They were threatening to
stop it.

Bob

Well, they ought to. The whole thing's a public nuisance.

Nails

Oh, Bob, I'm so happy. I thought I'd lost you forever.
You sure you love me?

Bob

Nails, you couldn't lose me - I'll tell you why...
(Into Chorus of "You've Got Something")

YOU'VE GOT SOMETHING

(MAILS & BOB)

VERSE:

Every time I'm near you, every time we touch,
I know well
I'm under your spell,
And a lot too much.
But there's no resisting, for I'm fully aware,
You somehow possess
A strange wondrousness
That's indefinable, but it's there.

1-5-5

REPTAIN:

You've got something, darling, something,
That's driving me slowly but surely insane,
Something tempting, something intangible,
Something rare that I never could explain.
So if gladly I admire you,
And madly desire you
All else above,
Please believe me or not,
It's merely because you've got
That certain something I love.

(Exit at finish. NAILS, ANNE & GIRLS
return immediately)

(After first Chorus:)

Nails

What does this mean, intangible?

Bob

Intangible? Well, that's something you can put your hands on --
something ineffable.

Nails

Oh, yes, ineffable. "What does that mean?

Bob

It means that I've been pretty dumb. But now I know.

Nails

But how do you know. What's happened to make you so sure?

Bob

(Goes into verse of "You've Got Something")
(After number; BOB and NAILS exit)

Peaches

(Off stage)

Yoo-hoo --Nails.

(Enter PEACHES)

(Re-enter NAILS and GIRLS)

Peaches

I ran all the way. There's a big mob coming.

Nails

A mob -- gee I wish Finkle was here.

Peaches

He'll be here in a minute.

1-5-6

Sonny

How do you know?

Poaches

He's just ahead of the mob. I didn't think Pinkle could run
that fast. He's about two feet ahead of his nose.

Nails

Then he ought to be here.

(PINKLE enters with DUGAN)

Pinkle

Close that door. All Bethlehems broke loose. If anybody
asks for me I ain't here.

Nails

Are all those people chasing you?

Pinkle

I didn't stop to interrogate them but we was all going in
the same direction.

(Noise of mob. All but PINKLE rush to door right)

(Antor REPORTING - JEFF and BILL and BOB)

Jeff

What are you trying to do -- keep newspaper men out of here?

Pinkle

What is this, a lynching?

Bill

They damn near lynched the whole Senate.

Jeff

The Senate tried to stop this lottery but a mob of 100,000
chased those politicians half way to Baltimore.

Nails

What does the mob want with us?

Bill

They're down here to celebrate -- to show you they're for us.

Pinkle

Do you mean all those people are on our side.

Bill

Of course, they're on your side.

Pinkle

And you ran away from your own friends.

Dugan
You ran, too, didn't you?

Pinkle
I couldn't desert a pal, could I?

Bob
This thing's getting out of hand.

Jeff
I'll say it is -- it worked like a revolution.

Bob
A revolution, Something's got to be done. At a time like this, we can't think of ourselves.

Nails
I'm going to call the whole lottery off.

Bob
Yes, that's what we'll do.

Pinkle
You're going to what?

Jeff
Say, you know what happened to the Senate -- If you tried to call this lottery off, they'd lynch you.

Pinkle
And I'd be with the lynchers -- I'd like to try that end of the rope.

Bill
You can't stop this lottery.

Jeff
Why should you? --You're national heroes.

Bill
We want some pictures.

Jeff
Yes, come out in the garden.
(They all start to exit. All exit but
PINKLE, NAILS and BOB)

(FINGERS enters)

Fingers
Boss, there are some guys at the back door who say they're senators.

Bob

If they admit it, they MUST BE.

Nails

Show them in. We'll tell them they've got to call this
lottery off.

Pinkle

What do you mean -- call it off? This is my chance to get
back to jail.

Bob

It's got to be stopped.

Pinkle

Oh, a double-crosser, eh? If there's anything I hate it's
a double-crosser. Do you know what happened to the last guy
that double-crossed me? He's sitting pretty.

Nails

Bob's not going to marry Baby.

Bob

No, I'm in love with somebody else.

Pinkle

I'm in love too- with a billion dollars. It's the first
time I ever saw a billion dollars. It was love at first
sight.

(The SENATORS enter..all FOUR of them)

Musilovitch

Miss Duquesne, we've come here at the risk of our lives. The
country's on the brink of a revolution.

Pinkle

I've got a revolution, too. You go play with your own
revolution.

Del Grasso

We appeal to you to stop this lottery.

Pinkle

We won't stop until he's married to Baby.

Musilovitch

Then find Baby, and get the country back to normalcy.

Nails

All right, Bob -let's get it over. We'll start examining
the candidates tomorrow morning and the lottery will be
over by midnight.

1-5-9

Malvinsky

Thank Heaven!

Pinkle

A billion's enough. Five hundred million to us and five
hundred million to whoever finds Baby.

Malvinsky

Five hundred million ---

O'Shaughnessy

To whoever finds Baby.

Bob

Whomever.

Malvinsky

Sh---I'm thinking.

Bob

(To Pinkle)

A Senator thinking --you see what this is doing to the
country, don't you?

Malvinsky

Five hundred million dollars is just what we need. We
wouldn't have to raise those taxes.

O'Shaughnessy

That's brilliant -- we'll start the search at once.

Pinkle

(Walking over with ticket)

It won't do you no good unless you buy a ticket.

Mails

Pinkle --NO!

Bob

Pinkle, that's putting the government into business -- what
would the Liberty League say?

Malvinsky

How much are the tickets?

Pinkle

Five dollars -- cash -- no credit.

Malvinsky

Can any of you boys advance the Government five dollars?

(They put their hands in their pockets.)

1-5-10

Musilovitch

I'm afraid we'll have to see the Secretary of the Treasury.

Del Grasso

Let's hope he's got $5.00.

Malvinsky

The government will take a ticket.

O'Shaughnessy

We'll raise that $5.00 if we have to float a bond issue.

Musilovitch

We'll start the Army searching at once.

Pinkle

She lived on Riverside Drive -- call out the Navy.
(Exits)

Bob

Nails, even if they do find Baby, I'll marry you.

Nails

But, Bob, you couldn't marry Baby and me. That would be
bigotry.

(NAILS exits)

(BOB starts to follow. Enter PEACHES)

Peaches

Oh, Bob, don't go -- I never get a chance to see you alone.

Bob

Yes, and I'm afraid it's all my fault.
(He starts again)

Peaches

Listen until you find this Baby you're a free man. And
I'm a free woman.
(She tries to kiss him)

Bob

You're too damn free. Any more of that and I'll spank you.

Peaches

Why don't you like me - what's wrong with me?

Bob

Your technic. You've made a terrible mistake in letting me
know you cared. Whenever a girl comes after a man the man
runs away. You're to blame -- it's all your fault. You've
made your bed.

1-5-11

Peaches

Well, I think if you make your bed you ought to lay in it.
(She attacks him. He grabs her, sitting down as he does so, turning her over his knee, throws up her skirt, raises his hand to spank her, and stares at what he sees)

Bob

A waffle; My God!
(Hises and pushes Peaches away from him)
Peaches, I want you to do something for me.

Peaches

Gee, but you're dumb.

Bob

No, not that. Forget that. I want you to go out and buy a present for yourself - a nice thick pair of step-ins.

Peaches

Step-ins. Oh, Bob, what a sweet way of putting it.

Bob

Here's twenty dollars.

Peaches

Twenty dollars?

Bob

Yes - that's the highest cover charge I ever paid.

Peaches

That's so sweet of you I don't know what to say.

Bob

I know - it's probably the first time anybody ever talked
you into a pair of that. Here's $5.00 more - get 'em in
tin.

Peaches

When I come back we'll put 'em on.

Bob

No, you're a big girl - you can put 'em on yourself.

Peaches

Don't you want to see me with 'em?

Bob

I never want to see you without them.

1-5-12

 reaches

Oh, I forgot to thank you for them.

Bob

Not until you buy the present.

Peaches

No, I won't buy them until you let me thank you for them.

(PINKLE enters)

Bob

(Acquiescing)

All right.

(He reluctantly gives her a cheek and she kisses him)

Pinkle

So that's the snake in the woodpile!

(PEACHES flounces her skirts. BOB tries to get in front of her. PEACHES exits)

Well, that settles it, until this lottery's over. That girl's got to keep away from you!

Bob

You're telling me.

Pinkle

Yes -- I'm telling you. A billion dollars at stake and you've got to fall in love with a palooka --a soiled dove!

Bob

You don't think I'm in love with that bagpipe.

Pinkle

I saw you kiss her and I'm going to keep you two from seeing each other.

Bob

Pinkle you don't think that I'd --. Repeat that!

Pinkle

Bob

But you couldn't do that, I could always find her.

Pinkle

I'll fix it so you'll never find her!

Bob

You don't mean murder!

I hope!

1-5-13

Pinkle
No, I won't have to go that far.

Bob
That's too bad.

Pinkle
Huh!

Bob
You mean you'd tear us apart without ever seeing each other
again. Would you do it right away?

Pinkle
If you put it like that what can I do? I'll let her stay.

Bob
Oh, a coward eh?

Pinkle
Who's a coward?

Bob
You are. I didn't think you had the nerve to go through
with a thing like that.

Pinkle
Who ain't got the nerve?

Bob
You haven't. You're yellow.

Pinkle
Yellow? Listen now, you've talked too much. Just for that
she goes.
(Starts to leave. NAILS enters)

Nails
Hey, Pinkle, I've got something for you to do.

Pinkle
I've got something for me to do.

Nails
Forget about it -- this is important.

Bob
That's important, too.

Nails
Pinkle, take a couple of the boys and 30,000 tickets down
to the airport. We've got to get some of that last minute
money.

1-5-14

Pinkle

But listen -

Nails

Do as I say.

Pinkle

You can make me jump through this.
(makes a loop with his fingers)

Here's a lock of my hair.

(Exits)

Bob

Oh, Nails -- I wish you hadn't done that.

Nails

Why not? Nothing makes any difference now. They'll find
Baby tomorrow night and you'll have to marry her. We
haven't got a chance.

Bob

We've got one chance. Suppose they don't find Baby?

Nails

I never thought of that. -- Yes, you're right. That's the
one chance we've got -- that they DON'T find Baby.

Bob

Let me tell you something.

(Enter METELLI and DUGAN with bags, followed
by PINKLE with a third bag. They drag them
across the stage)

Metelli

Wouldn't it be funny if the lucky ticket was in one of these
last bags?

Nails

Yeah, funny as hell.

(She turns up into the window)

(As PINKLE drags his bag across BOB
walks beside him)

Bob

Coward. Yellow. 'Fraid eat. Sissy.

Pinkle

(Stops at the door and stands the bag
up on end releasing hold of it)

So I'm a sissy, am I?

## ACT ONE

### Scene VI

Pinkle's Room in the Dolly Madison House

A very neat - but shallow set - One
large arm chair C.

All Principals enter from S.L.
BOB enters on cue.

At rise, PINKLE is on. He takes an
electric wire out of a box and attaches
it to a floor plug. DUGAN and METELLI
enter each dragging a bag.

Dugan

Here's the last minute money, Pinkle. Two hundred thousand.

Pinkle

That's chicken feed -- it ain't worth soiling my hands with.
Wait till I open the cellar door.

(PINKLE pulls a chair center and climbing
up on it pulls the chandelier down. The
trap opens)

Dugan

Is that how you do it? Where did you get that idea?

Pinkle

My father was a great idea man and I've always tried to follow
in his fingerprints.

Metalli

I ain't seen your father in about five years. What's he doing?

Pinkle

Five years. On your way out send in one of the candidates --
you know, one of those dames who thinks she's Baby.

(DUGAN and METELLI exit. PINKLE takes
waffle iron out of the box, puts it in
chair)

Boy will I have hot news for her. All I have to do now is
put the batter on.

(BOB enters)

Bob

Where's Peaches?

1-6-2

Pinkle

She's where you won't find her for years -- maybe months.

Bob

Just so I don't find her tonight.

(BOB starts to sit in chair)

Pinkle

(Yells)

Oh - don't sit in that chair!

Bob

(Straightening)

What's the matter with it?

Pinkle

It's for ladies only.

Bob

(Looking)

Is that a waffle iron?

Pinkle

Is that a waffle iron?

(He wets his finger in his mouth, touches it and finds it hot)

And you had to walk in just as I was putting the batter on.

Bob

Were you trying to get some girl to sit down on that?

Pinkle

Why not? Supposing the real baby _don't_ show up?

Bob

That would be great!

Pinkle

And I'd never get back to jail.

Bob

Well, that doesn't worry me.

Pinkle

Do you know what that would mean to me? If I may use the word. Frustration.

Bob

To put a girl through that torture? It's outrageous. No one would do a thing like that but a barbarian!

(NAILS enters)

1-6-3

Nails

Gee, Bob, they're about to start down there. I'm so nervous
I don't know what to do.

Bob

Just a minute, Nails.

(To Pinkle)

Why it's the cruelest thing I ever heard of. It's inhuman.

How anybody could ever --

(Looking at Nails)

Won't you sit down.

(Leading her to chair)

Nails no ratter what happens I want you to know I love you.

Nails

I love you, too, darling.

Pinkle

So it isn't reaches. You two love each other?

Nails

Yes, isn't it terrible, Pinkle. And there's nothing we can
do about it.

Pinkle

The hell there isn't. Sit down.

Nails

I'm afraid it's too late now.

Bob

(Pushing chair toward her)

I think we may be able to cook something up.

Nails

Wait a minute.

(She starts to sit down)

I'm right on the edge of a good idea.

(She almost sits down but rises again)

No, it's no good.

Pinkle

It was almost perfect.

Bob

At least it was a start in the right direction.

Nails

Well, it might work at that.

(She takes a half squat just above the
chair with her hands on her knees.

THEY squat each side of her and sway
trying to swing her by suggestion into
the chair. SHE almost sits again)

No, it couldn't be done.

1-6-4

Nails (Cont'd.)

(Stands up)

Can't you boys think of something?

(BOB and PINKLE look at each other, then each puts a hand on her shoulder and they push her into the chair, turning their heads away as they do. NAILS sits there complacently. When nothing happens they sneak their heads back and see her sitting there unconvened. They look at each other)

Bob

Dead End.

Nails

Every time I get an idea you boys say something and it breaks the connection.

Both

Connection?

(PINKLE and BOB look at each other and then look at the wiring and see the plug is out. PINKLE goes to fix it)

Bob

Go right on thinking, darling. Something will hit you in a minute.

(NAILS rises)

(PINKLE is putting the plug back, but as he does a voice is heard offstage)

(BOB struggles to keep Nails in chair)

Nails

What are you boys trying to do.

Peaches

(Off stage)

Hey you - Mrs. Duquesne!

Both

Peaches!

(BOB does a take at the sound of the voice and NAILS jumps up from the chair)

Peaches

(Again)

Mrs. Duquesne!

1-6-5

Nails

All right, what do you want?

Bob

(To Pinkle)

You wouldn't kill her, would you?

(PEACHES enters)

Peaches

Those X-ray lights are here -- you know, the ones the
candidates have to walk through so the judges can see
whether any of them are Baby.

Nails

Tell 'em to get them ready.

Peaches

They are ready. They want to try them on someone.

Nails

(Starting out)

Well come, we'll try them on you.

Bob

Nails!

Nails

But if they ever saw through you you'll go back to reform
school.

(NAILS exits)

Peaches

Say do you suppose she did that to me.

Bob

Did what?

Peaches

That's where I've been -- back to reform school. Somebody
put me in a bag and mailed me back to Bedford.

(BOB looks at Pinkle)

Pinkle

What are you kicking about -- it was first class special
delivery. What an expense.

Peaches

Was it you did that to me?

(PINKLE looks guilty)