6

AS ALL ALFALFA PRESIDENTS I HAVE THE CHALLENGE OF ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER PRESIDENT.

I GOT OFF TO A SLOW START BY BEING LATE FOR HIS SWEARING-IN CEREMONIES. DICK ALLEN SENT ME A TICKET, BUT THE GUARDS CLAIMED INVITATIONS FOR CARTER-MONDALE EVENTS WERE NO LONGER VALID. I PROTESTED THAT I AM THE FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE. BUT THE USHER SAID, "NO, ED MUSKIE IS A TALL THIN MAN."

BUT SINCE THINGS HAVE PICKED UP, IN HIS CONFIRMATION HEARINGS AL HAIG HAD TO PROMISE SENATOR HELMS THAT HE WOULD NOT RELY ON MY ADVICE: I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPOILSPORT BUT I CAN REVEAL NOW THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE CALLED ME WITH AN URGENT QUESTION ONLY A FEW HOURS AFTER TAKING OFFICE. I TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS THE THIRD DOOR ON THE LEFT DOWN THE HALL.

A LITTLE LATER ED MEESE CALLED; HE HAS MY OLD OFFICE IN THE WHITE HOUSE; HE TOO CALLED ME WITH AN URGENT QUESTION, BUT WHEN I STARTED TO GIVE HIM DIRECTIONS HE SAID, NO, NO, NO, THAT IS NOW JIM BAKER'S OFFICE.

7

I AM FREQUENTLY ASKED MY OWN ROLE IN THIS ADMINISTRATION.

IT IS NOT TRUE THAT I AM TRYING TO INGRATIATE MYSELF; MY MOTTO HAS ALWAYS BEEN MILLIONS FOR DEFENSE BUT NOT A JELLY BEAN FOR TRIBUTE. BUT I DO GIVE BAGS OF JELLY BEANS TO ALL NEW PRESIDENTS.

I HAVE TOLD THE NEW PRESIDENT AND I WILL TELL YOU: I WILL ONLY SERVE IF THERE IS ANY PROBLEM WHICH CANNOT BE SOLVED WITHOUT MY ADVICE. THAT IS WHY I REPORTED FOR WORK AT 8 A.M. ON THE DAY AFTER INAUGURATION. UNFORTUNATELY THE WHITE HOUSE GUARD DETAINED ME. I PROTESTED THAT I WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB. AND HE SAID, "YEAH AND I AM AL HAIG." AND HE WAS.

THERE WAS SOME COMMENT THAT JERRY FORD MISSED THE INAUGURATION. I CALLED HIM TO ASK WHY. HE EXPLAINED THAT HE HAD SHOWED UP PROMPTLY AT NOON, SAW NOBODY AND WENT TO MIAMI TO PLAY GOLF. HE HAD NEVER SEEN THE EAST SIDE OF THE CAPITOL SO DESERTED.

8

SPEAKING OF THE NEW TEAM, PRESIDENT REAGAN TURNED TO
SECRETARY HAIG AT THE FIRST CABINET MEETING AND SAID, "YOU
CAN'T IMAGINE HOW NICE IT IS TO BE PRESIDENT," AND AL SAID
"OH, YES I CAN."

THE LAST TIME I SPOKE HERE I COMPLAINED THAT WHEN
GEORGE BUSH RECEIVED YOUR NOMINATION FOR THE PRESIDENCY HE
NEVER MENTIONED ME. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OCCASION TO SHOW THAT
I AM NOT A MAN TO BEAR GRUDGES.

THERE IS NO TRAINING GROUND FOR THE VICE PRESIDENCY.
THERE IS NO COLLEGE CURRICULUM ON THE SUBJECT. BUT, GEORGE
BUSH IS DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. HE'S GOING TO
TEACH A COURSE IN VOODOO ECONOMICS AT GEORGETOWN.

GEORGE AND BILL CASEY HAVE ALREADY HAD A DISPUTE; CASEY
WAS REALLY MIFFED AT THE FIRST NSC MEETING. THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "LET'S START WITH A CIA BRIEFING" AND GEORGE SPOKE FOR
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE HE COULD BE STOPPED.

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