92 POEMS on

And 'twas observed, there were but few
Of either Sex, among the Crew
Whom she or her Affeffors knew.
The Goddeſs ſoon began to see
Things were not ripe for a Decree:
And ſaid, she muſt consult her Books,
The Lovers Fleta's, Bracton's, Coke's.
First to a dapper Clerk she beckon'd,
To turn to Ovid*, Book the Second,
She then referr'd them to a Place
In Virgil, (Vide Dido's Caſe.)
As for Tibullus's Reports,
They never paſs'd for Law in Courts.
For Cowley's Briefs, and Pleas of Waller,
Still their Authority was ſmaller.

THERE was on both Sides much to ſay,
She'd hear the Cauſe another Day;
And so she did; and then a third;
She heard it — there she kept her Word;
But with Rejoinders and Replies,
Long Bills, and Anſwers, ſtuff'd with Lies,
Demurr, Emparlance, and Eſſoin,
The Parties ne'er could Iſſue join:
For fifteen Years the Cauſe was ſpun,
And then ſtood where it firſt begun.
Now, gentle Clio, pr'ythee ſay,
What Venus meant by this Delay.

* Art of Love,

The

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

93

The Goddeſs much perplex'd in Mind
To ſee her Empire thus declin'd,
When firſt this grand Debate aroſe,
Above her Wifdom to compoſe,
Conceiv'd a Projecſt in her Head
To work her Ends, which, if it ſped,
Would ſhow the Merits of the Cauſe,
Far better than confulting Laws.

IN a glad Hour, Lucina's Aid
Produc'd on Earth a wond'rous Maid;
On whom the Queen of Love was bent
To try a new Experiment.
She threw her Law-Books on the Shelf,
And thus debated with her ſelf.
Since Men allege they ne'er can find
Thoſe Beauties in a Female-Mind
Which raſe a Flame that will endure
For ever uncorrupt and pure;
If 'tis with Reaſon they complain,
This Infant shall reſtore my Reign:
I'll ſearch where ev'ry Virtue dwells,
From Courts incluſive down to Cells,
What Preachers talk, or Sages write,
These will I gather and unite;
And repreſent them to Mankind,
Colleſted in that Infant's Mind.

THIS faſd, ſhe plucks from Heav'ns high
Bow'rs
A Sprig of Aramanthine Flow'rs;

In

94 POEMS on

In Nectar thrice infuses Bays,
Three times refin'd in Titan's Rays;
Then calls the Graces to her Aid,
And sprinkles thrice the new born Maid:
From whence the tender Skin affumes
A Sweetness above all Perfumes;
From whence a Cleanlineſs remains
Incapable of outward Stains;
From whence that Decency of Mind,
So lovely in the Female-Kind,
Where not a careleſs Thought intrudes
Leſs modelt, than the Speech of Prudes:
Where never Blush was call'd for Aid,
That ſpurious Virtue in a Maid;
A Virtue, but at ſecond hand,
They blush, becauſe they understand.

THE Graces next wou'd act their Part,
And ſhew'd but little of their Art;
Their Work was half already done,
The Child with Native Beauty ſhone:
The outward Form no help requir'd;
Each breathing on her thrice, inſpir'd
That gentle, soft, engaging Air,
Which in old Times adorn'd the Fair.
And ſaid; VANESSA be the Name,
By which thou ſhalt be known to Fame;
VANESSA by the Gods enroll'd;
Her Name on Earth — ſhall not be told.

BUT

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

95

BUT still the Work was not compleat,
When Venus thought on a Deceit.
Drawn by her Doves away she flies,
And finds out Pallas in the Skies :
Dear Pallas, I have been this Morn
To see a lovely Infant born;
A Boy in yonder Ifle below,
So like my own without his Bow;
By Beauty could your Heart be won,
You'd swear it is Apollo's Son.
But it shall ne'er be faid, a Child
So hopeful has by me been spoil'd;
I have enough befides to spare,
And give him wholly to your Care.

WISDOM's above suspecting Wiles;
The Queen of Learning gravely smiles,
Down from Olympus comes with Joy,
Miftakes VANESSA for a Boy :
Then fows within-her tender Mind
Seeds long unknown to Womankind,
For manly Bosoms chiefly fit,
The Seeds of Knowledge, Judgment, Wit :
Her Soul was suddenly indu'd
With Justice, Truth, and Fortitude;
With Honour, which no Breath can stain,
Which Malice must attack in vain;
With open Heart, and bounteous Hand :
But Pallas here was at a stand;

She

96

POEMS on

She knew, in our degen'rate Days
Bare Virtue cou'd not live on Praise:
That Meat muſt be with Money bought;
She therefore upon ſecond Thought
Infus'd, yet as it were by Stealth,
Some ſmall Regard for State and Wealth.
(Of which, as ſhe grew up, there ſtaid
A Tincture in the prudent Maid;
She manag'd her Eſtate with Care,
Yet lik'd three Footmen to her Chair.)
But left he ſhould neglect his Studies,
Like a young Heir, the thrifty Goddeſs
For fear young Maſter ſhould be ſpoil'd,
Would uſe him like a younger Child;
And after long computing, found
'Twould come to juſt five Thousand Pound.

THE Queen of Love was pleas'd, and proud
To fee VANESSA thus endow'd.
She doubted not but ſuch a Dame
Through every Breast would dart a Flame:
That ev'ry rich and lordly Swain
With Pride wou'd drag about her Chain;
That Scholars would forſake their Books,
To ſtudy bright-VANESSA's Looks;
As ſhe advanc'd, that Womankind
Wou'd, by her Model, form their Mind;
And all their Conduct ſhou'd be try'd
By her, as an unerring Guide:
Offending Daughters oft would hear
VANESSA's Praise ſe rung in their Ear;

Mifs

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

97

Miff Betty, when she does a Fault,
Lets fall her Knife, or spills the Salt,
Will thus be by her Mother chid,
'Tis what VANESSA never did :
Thus by the Nymphs and Swains ador'd,
My Pow'r shall be again reftor'd;
And happy Lovers blefs my Reign—
So Venus hop'd, but hop'd in vain.

FOR when in Time the Martial Maid
Found out the Trick that Venus play'd,
She shakes her Helm, she knits her Brows,
And fir'd with Indignation vows,
To-morrow e'er the fetting Sun,
She'd undo all that she had done.

BUT Gods, we are by Poets taught,
Must stand to what themselves have wrought.
For, in their old Records we find
A Wholesome Law, Time out of Mind,
Confirm'd long since by Fate's Decree,
That Gods of whatsoe'er Degree,
Resume not what themselves have giv'n,
Or any Brother-God in Heav'n :
Who keeps the Peace among the Gods,
Else they must always be at Odds:
And Pallas, if she broke the Laws,
Must yield her Foe the stronger Caufé;
A Shame to one so much ador'd
For Wisdom at Fove's Council-Board.

K

Besides,

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POEMS on

Besides, she fear'd the Queen of Love
Wou'd meet with better Friends above.
And tho' she must with Grief reflect,
To see a Mortal *Virgin* deck'd
With Graces hitherto unknown
To Female Breast, except her own;
Yet she wou'd act as best became
A Goddeſs of unspotted Fame.
She knew by Augury Divine,
*Venus* wou'd fail in her Deſign:
She ſtudy'd well the Point, and found
Her Foe's Conclusions were not found,
From Premiſes erroneous brought,
And therefore the Deduction's nought;
And must have contrary Effects
To what her treach'rous Foe expeſts.

IN proper Season, *Pallas* meets
The Queen of Love, whom thus she greets:
(For Gods, we are by *Homer* told,
Can in Celestial Language ſcold)
Perſidious Goddeſs ! But in vain
You form'd this Project in your Brain;
A Project for thy Talents fit,
With much Deceit and little Wit :
Thou haſt, as thou ſhalt quickly ſee,
Deceiv'd thy ſelf inſtead of me;
For, how can Heav'nly Wifdom prove
An Inſtrument to Earthly Love?
Know'ſt thou not yet, that Men commence
Thy Votaries for want of Senſe?

Nor

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

99

Nor shall VANESSA be the Theme
To manage thy abortive Scheme;
She'll prove the greatest of thy Foes;
And yet I fear to interpose;
But using neither Skill nor Force,
Leave all Things to their Natural Course.

THE Goddeſs thus pronounc'd her Doom:
When lo! VANESSA in her Bloom,
Advanc'd like Atalanta's Star,
But rarely seen, and seen from far:
In a new World with Caution stept,
Watch'd all the Company she kept;
Well knowing from the Books she read,
What dang'rous Paths young Virgins tread:
Would seldom at the Park appear,
Nor saw the Play-House twice a Year;
Yet not uncurious, was inclin'd
To know the Converſe of Mankind.

FIRST iffu'd from Perfumers Shops
A Crowd of fashionable Fops;
They ask'd her how she lik'd the Play;
Then told the Tattle of the Day;
A Duel fought laſt Night at Two,
About a Lady, you know who :
Talk'd of a new Italian come
Either from Muscovy or Rome :
Gave Hints of Who and Who's together;
Then fell to talking of the Weather;

K 2

Laſt

100 POEMS on

Last Night was so extremely fine,
The Ladies walk'd till after Nine.
Then in soft Voice, and Speech absurd,
With Nonсенfe every second Word;
With Fuftian from exploded Plays,
They celebrate her Beauty's Praise:
Run o'er their Cant of Stupid Lies,
And tell the Murders of her Eyes.
With silent Scorn VANESSA fate,
Scarce lift'ning to their idle Chat,
Further, than sometimes by a Frown,
When they grew pert, to pull them down.
At last, she spitefully was bent
To try their Wisdom's full Extent;
And said, she valu'd nothing lefs,
Than Titles, Figure, Shape and Dres's:
That, Merit should be chiefly plac'd
In Judgment, Knowledge, Wit and Taste;
And these, she offer'd to dispute,
Alone distinguish'd Man from Brute:
With her, a wealthy Fool could pafs
At best, but for a Golden Afs.
That present Times have no Pretence
To Virtue, in the Noble Senfe
By Greeks and Romans understood,
To perish for their Country's Good.
She named the ancient Heroes round,
Explain'd for what they were renown'd:
Then spoke with Censure or Applause
Of Foreign Customs, Rites and Laws.

Through

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

101

Through Nature and thro' Art she rang'd,
And gracefully her Subjects chang'd,
In vain; her Hearers had no Share
In all she spoke, except to stare.
Their Judgment was upon the whole,
That Lady is the dulleft Soul!
Then tip'd their Foreheads in a Jeer,
As, who should say, She wants it here;
She may be Handsome, Young, and Rich,
But none will burn her for a Witch.

A Party next, of glitt'ring Dames
From round the Purlieus of St. James
Came early, out of pure good Will
To see the Girl in Deshabille :
Their Clamour, lighting from their Chairs,
Grew louder all the Way up Stairs ;
At Entrance loudeft; where they found
The Room with Volumes litter'd round :
VANESSA held Montaigne and read,
While Mrs. *Sufan* comb'd her Head :
They call'd for Tea and Chocolate;
And fell into their usual Chat;
Discourfing with important Face,
Of Ribbands, Fans, and Gloves, and Lace;
Show'd Patterns, juſt from India brought;
And gravely ask'd her what she thought;
Whether the Red or Green were beſt,
And what they coſt? VANESSA gueſs'd
As came into her Fancy firſt,
Nam'd half the Rates, and lik'd the worſt.

K 3

To

102

POEMS on

To Scandal next. What awkward Thing
Was that laſt Sunday in the Ring?
I'm ſorry Mopſa breaks ſo laſt,
I ſaid, her Face would never laſt.
Corinna, with that youthful Air,
Is Thirty, and a bit to ſpare;
Her Fondneſs for a certain Earl
Began when I was but a Girl;
Phillis, who but a Month ago
Was marry'd to a Tunbridge Beau,
I ſaw coquetting t'other Night
In publick, with that odious Knight.

THEY rally'd next VANESSA's Drels;
That Gown was made for old Queen Befs.
Dear Madam, let me Set your Head:
Don't you intend to put on Red?
A Petticoat without a Hoop!
Sure, you are not aſham'd to ſtoop:
With handsome Garters at your Knees,
No matter what a Fellow ſees.
Fill'd with Difdain, with Rage enflam'd,
Both of her Self, and Sex aſham'd,
The Nymph ſtood silent out of ſpight,
Nor would vouchſafe to ſet them right.
Away the fair Detractors went,
And gave by Turns their Cenfures vent.
She's not ſo handsome in my Eyes ;
For Wit, I wonder where it lies ;
She's fair and clean, and that's the moſt ;
But why proclaim her for a Toaſt?

A Baby-

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 103

A Baby-Face, no Life, nor Airs,
But what she learn'd at Country-Fairs:
Scarce knows what Diff'rence is between
Rich Flanders Lace, and Colberteen:
I'd undertake, my little Nancy
In Flounces has a better Fancy.
With all her Wit, I wou'd not ask
Her Judgment, how to buy a Mask.
We beg'd her but to patch her Face,
She never hit one proper Place;
Which ev'ry Girl at five Years old
Can do, as soon as she is told.
I own, that out-of-fash ion Stuff
Becomes the Creature well enough.
The Girl might pafs, if we could get her
To know the World a little better.
To know the World : A modern Phrafe
For Visits, Ombre, Balls, and Plays.

THUS, to the World's perpetual Shame,
The Queen of Beauty loft her Aim.
Too late with Grief she understood
Pallas had done more Harm than Good.
For, great Examples are but vain,
Where Ignorance begets Disdain.
Both Sexes, arm'd with Guilt and Spite,
Against VANESSA's Pow'r unite :
To copy her, few Nymphs a'pir'd;
Her Virtues fewer Swains admir'd.
So Stars, beyond a certain Hejght,
Give Mortals neither Heat nor Light.

YET

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POEMS on

YET some of either Sex, endow'd
With Gifts superior to the Crowd,
With Virtue, Knowledge, Tafe, and Wit,
She condescended to admit.
With pleasing Arts she could reduce
Mens Talents to their proper Use :
And with Addrefs each Genius held
To that, wherein it most excell'd.
Thus, making other's Wisdom known,
Could please them, and improve her own.
A modelt Youth said something new,
She plac'd it in the strongest View :
All humble Worth she strove to raiſe ;
Would not be prais'd, yet lov'd to praiſe
The Learned met with free Approach,
Altho' they came not in a Coach.
Some Clergy too she would allow,
Nor quarrel'd at their awkward Bow;
But. this was for CADENUS' Sake,
A Gown-Man of a diff'rent Make;
Whom Pallas, once VANESSA's Tutor,
Had fix'd on, for her Coadjutor.

BUT Cupid, full of Mischief, longs
To vindicate his Mother's Wrongs :
On Pallas all Attempts are vain ;
One Way he knows to give her Pain :
Vows on VANESSA's Heart to take
Due Vengeance, for her Patron's Sake.

Thofe

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105

Thofe early Seeds by Venus fown,
In ſpite of Pallas now were grown :
And Cupid hop'd they wou'd improve
By Time, and ripen into Love.
The Boy made uſe of all his Craft;
In vain diſcharging many a Shaft,
Pointed with Col'nels, Lords, and Beaus;
CADENUS warded off the Blows;
For placing ſill ſome Book betwixt,
The Darts were in the Cover fixt;
Or often blunted and recoil'd
On Plutarch's Morals ſtruck, were ſpoil'd.
The Queen of Wifdom cou'd foreſee,
But not prevent the Fate's Decree;
And human Caution tries in vain
To break that Adamantine Chain.
VANESSA, tho' by Pallas taught,
By Love invulnerable thought;
Searching in Books for Wifdom's Aid,
Was in the very Search betray'd.

CUPID, tho' all his Darts were loft,
Yet ſtill reſolv'd to ſpare no Coſt;
He cou'd not anſwer to his Fame
The Triumphs of that ſtubborn Dame;
A Nymph ſo hard to be ſubdu'd,
Who neither was Coquet, nor Prude:
I find, ſaid he, ſhe wants a Doctor,
Both to adore her, and inſtruct her;
I'll give her what ſhe moſt admires;
Among thoſe venerable Sires:

CADE-

106 POEMS on

CADENUS is a Subject fit,
Grown old in Politicks and Wit;
Carefs'd by Minifters of State,
Of half Mankind the Dread or Hate:
Whate'er Vexations Love attend,
She need no Rivals apprehend;
Her Sex with Universal Voice
Must laugh at her capricious Choice.

CADENUS many Things had writ;
VANESSA much eſteem'd his Wit;
And call'd for his Poetick Works;
Mean time the Boy in ſecret lurks,
And while the Book was in her Hand,
The Urchin from his private Stand
Took Aim, and ſhot with all his Strength
A Dart of ſuch prodigious Length,
It pierc'd the feeble Volume thro',
And deep transfix'd her Boſom too.
Some Lines more moving than the reſt,
Stuck to the Point that pierc'd her Breaſt,
And borne directly to her Heart,
With Pains unknown increas'd the Smart.

VANESSA, not in Years a Score,
Doats on a Gown of Forty-four:
Imaginary Charms can find
In Eyes with reading almost blind:
CADENUS now no more appears
Declin'd in Health, advanc'd in Years;

She.

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

107

She fancies Mufick in his Tongue,
Nor further looks, but thinks him young.
What Mariner is not afraid
To venture in a Ship decay'd?

What Planter will attempt to yoak
A Saplin with a falling Oak?

As Years increafe, ſhe brighter ſhines,
CADENUS with each Day declines;
And he muſt fall a Prey to Time,
While ſhe is blooming in her Prime.

STRANGE, that a Nymph by Pallas nurſt,
In Love ſhould make Advances firſt:
CADENUS, common Forms a-part,
In ev'ry Scene had kept his Heart;
Had ſigh'd and languifh'd, vow'd and writ,
For Paſtime, or to ſhew his Wit:
But Time, and Books, and State-Affairs,
Had ſpoil'd his fashionsable Airs:
He now could praisc, eſteem, approve,
But underſood not what was Love.
This Conduſt might have made him ſtill'd
A Father, and the Nymph his Child:
That innocent Delight he took
To ſee the Virgin mind her Book,
Was but a Maſter's ſecret Joy,
In Schools, to hear the fineſt Boy.
Her Knowledge with her Fancy grew,
She hourly preſs'd for ſomething new;
Ideas came into her Mind
So ſaſt, his Leſſons lagg'd behind:

She

She

108 POEMS on

She reason'd without plodding long,
Nor ever gave her Judgment wrong.

But now a sudden Change was wrought,
She minds no longer what he taught;
She with'd her Tutor were her Lover;
Reſolv'd ſhe would her Flame diſcover:
And when CADENUS would expound
Some Notion subtle or profound,
The Nymph would gently preſs his Hand,
As if ſhe ſeem'd to understand;
Or dext'routly diſſembling Chance,
Would ſigh, and ſteal a ſecret Glance.

CADENUS was amaz'd to find
Such Marks of a diſtraſted Mind:
For, though ſhe ſeem'd to lıſten more
To all he ſpoke, than e'er before;
He found, her Thoughts would abſent range,
Yet gueſt not whence could ſpring the Change.
And firſt, he modelſtly conjectures,
His Pupil might be tired with Lecſures:
Which helpt to mortify his Pride,
Yet gave him not the Heart to chide.
But in a mild dejeſted Strain
At laſt he ventur'd to complain.
Said, ſhe ſhould be no longer teaz'd,
Might have her Freedom when ſhe pleas'd;
Was now convinc'd, he aſted wrong
To hide her from the World ſo long:

And

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

109

And in dull Studies to engage
One of her tender Sex and Age.
That, ev'ry Nymph with Envy own'd,
How she might shine in the *beau Monde*;
And ev'ry Shepherd was undone
To see her Cloyster'd like a Nun.
His, was a visionary Scheme,
He wak'd and found it but a Dream;
A Project far above his Skill,
For Nature must be Nature still.
If he was bolder than became
A Scholar to a Courtly Dame,
She might excuse a Man of Letters;
Thus Tutors often treat their Betters.
But since this Talk offensive grew,
He came to take his laft Adieu.

VANESSA, fill'd with just Disdain,
Would still her Dignity maintain;
Instructed from her early Years,
To scorn the Art of female Tears.

HAD he employ'd his Time so long
To teach her what was Right and Wrong,
Yet could such Notions entertain,
That all his Lectures were in vain.
She own'd the Wand'ring of her Thoughts;
But he must answer for her Faults:
She well remembred, to her cost,
That all his Lessons were not lost;

L

Two

410 POEMS on

Two Maxims she could still produce,
And sad Experience taught their Use;
That, Virtue pleas'd with being shown,
Knows nothing which it dares not own;
Can make us without Fear discloſe
Our inmoſt Secrets to our Foes:
That common Forms were not deſign'd
Directors to a noble Mind.

Now, ſaid the Nymph, to let you see
My Actions with your Rules agree,
That I can vulgar Forms deſpife,
And have no Secrets to diſguſe;
I'll fully prove your Maxims true
By owning here my Love for you.
I knew by what you ſaid and writ,
How dang'rous Things were Men of Wit;
You caution'd me againſt their Charms,
But never gave me equal Arms;
Your Leſſons found the weakeſt Part,
Aim'd at the Head, but reach'd the Heart.

CADENUS felt within him rife
Shame, Disappointment, Guilt, Surprife:
He knew not how to reconcile
Such Language with her usual Stile;
And yet her Words were ſo expreſt,
He could not hope ſhe ſpoke in Jeſt.
His Thoughts had wholly been confin'd
To form and cultivate her Mind;
He hardly knew till he was told,
Whether the Nymph were young or old;

Had

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

III

Had met her in a publick Place
Without distinguiſhing her Face :
Much leſs ſhou'd his declining Age
VANESSA's earlieſt Thoughts engage.
And if her Youth Indiff'rence met,
His Person muſt Contempt beget.
Or grant, her Paſſion be ſincere,
How ſhall his Innocence be clear?
Appearances were all ſo ſtrong,
The World muſt think him in the wrong;
Would ſay he made a treacherous Uſe
Of Wit, to flatter and ſeduce.
The Town would ſwear he had betray'd
By Magick Spells the harmleſs MAID:
And ev'ry Beau would have his Jokes ;
That Scholars were like, other Folks :
That, when Platonick Flights were over,
The Tutor turn'd a Mortal Lover :
So tender of the Young and Fair,
It ſhow'd a true Paternal Care :
Five Thouſand Guineas in her Purſe :
The Doctor might have fancy'd worſe.

HARDLY, at length, he Silence broke;
And faulter'd ev'ry Word he ſpoke;
Interpreting her Complaisance
Juſt like a Man, ſans conſequence.
She rally'd well, he always knew,
Her Manner now was ſomething new;
And what ſhe ſpoke, was in an Air
As ſerious, as a Tragick Play'r.

L 2

But,

112

POEMS on

But, those who aim at Ridicule,
Should fix upon some certain Rule,
Which fairly hints they are in jeest,
Else he must enter his Protest:
For, let a Man be ne'er so wife,
He may be caught with sober Lies;
A Science which he never taught,
And, to be free, was dearly bought;
For, take it in its proper Light,
'Tis just what Coxcombs call a Bite.

BUT not to dwell on Things minute,
VANESSA finiseth the Dispute;
Brought weighty Arguments to prove,
That Reason was her Guide in Love.
She thought he had himself described
His Doctrines when she first imbib'd;
From his transfus'd into her Breast,
With Pleasure not to be exprest.
What he had planted, now was grown;
His Virtues she might call her own:
As he approves, as he dislikes,
Love or Contempt her Fancy strikes.
Self-Love, in Nature rooted last,
Attends us first, and leaves us last:
Why she loves him, admire not at her,
She loves herself, and that's the Matter.
How was her Tutor wont to praise
The Geniuses of ancient Days,
Those Authors he so oft had nam'd
For Learning, Wit, and Wisdom fam'd;

Was

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 113

Was struck with Love, Esteem, and Awe,
For Persons whom he never saw;
Suppose CADENUS flourish'd then,
He must adore such God-like Men.
If one short Volume could comprise
All that was witty, learn'd, and wife,
How would it be esteem'd and read,
Although the Writer long were dead?
If such an Author were alive,
How all would for his Friendship strive?
Would come in Crowds to see his Face?
And, this she takes to be her Cafe:
CADENUS answers ev'ry End,
The Book, the Author, and the Friend:
The utmost her Desires will reach,
Is but to learn what he can teach :
His Conversation is a System fit
Alone, to fill up all her Wit;
While ev'ry Passion of her Mind
In him is center'd and confin'd.

LOVE can with Speech inspire a Mute,
And taught VANESSA to dispute;
This Topick, never touch'd before,
Display'd her Eloquence the more:
Her Knowledge with such Pains acquir'd,
By this new Passion grew inpired;
Thro' Love she made all Objects pafs,
Which gave a Tincture o'er the Mafs:
As Rivers, tho' they bend and twine,
Still to the Sea their Course incline.

L 3

Or,

114

POEMS on

Or, as Philosophers who find
Some Fav'rite System to their Mind,
In ev'ry Point to make it fit,
Will force all Nature to submit.

CADENUS, who could ne'er suspect
His Lessons would have this Effect,
Or be so artfully apply'd,
Infusibly came on her Side.
It was an unforeseen Event;
Things took a Turn he never meant;
Whoe'er excels in what we prize,
Appears a Hero in our Eyes:
Each Girl, when pleas'd with what is taught,
Will have the Teacher in her Thought:
When Mifs delights in her Spinet,
A Fidler may a Fortune get.
A Blockhead with melodious Voice
In Boarding-Schools can have his Choice;
And oft the Dancing-Master's Art
Climbs from the Toe to reach the Heart.
In Learning let a Nymph delight,
The Pedant gets a Miftrels by't.
CADENUS, to his Grief and Shame,
Could scarce oppose VANESSA's Flame;
But thought her Arguments were strong,
At least, could hardly wifh 'em wrong:
Howe'er it came, he could not tell,
But, sure she never talk'd so well.
His Pride began to interpofe;
Preferr'd before a Crowd of Beaus;

So

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

115

So bright a Nymph to come unfought,
Such Wonders by his Merit wrought:
'Tis Merit must with her prevail;
He never knew her Judgment fail :
She noted all she ever read,
And had a most discerning Head.

'Tis an old Maxim in the Schools,
That Vanity's the Food of Fools,
Yet now and then your Men of Wit
Will condescend to taste a Bit :
So, when CADENUS could not hide,
He chose to justify his Pride;
Constr'ing the Passion she had shown
Much to her Praife, more to his own;
Nature in him had Merit plac'd,
In her, a most judicious Taste.
Love, hitherto a transient Gueft,
Ne'er took Passion of his Breast;
So long attending at the Gate,
Disdain'd to enter in so late.
Love, why do we one Passion call,
When 'tis a Compound of them all?
Where Hot and Cold, where Sharp and Sweet,
In all their Equipages meet;
Where Pleasures mix'd with Pains appear,
Sorrow with Joy, and Hope with Fear;
Wherein his Dignity and Age,
Forbid CADENUS to engage:
But Friendship in its greatest Height,
A constant Rational Delight,

On

116 POEMS on

On Virtue's Basis fix'd, to laft
When Love's Alluremens long are paft,
Which gently warms, but cannot burn,
He gladly offers in return.
His want of Passion will redeem
With Gratitude, Respect, Esteem;
With that Devotion we beflow
When Goddesſes appear below.

WHILE thus CADENUS entertains
VANESSA in exalted Strains,
The Nymph in sober Words, intreats
A Truce with all sublime Conceits :
For, why such Raptures, Flights, and Fancies
To her who durſt not read Romances,
In lofty Stile to make Replies,
Which he had taught her to deſpife.
But when her Tutor will affect
Devotion, Duty, and Respect,
He fairly Abdicates his Throne,
The Government is now her own;
He has a Forfeiture incurr'd,
She vows to take him at his Word;
And hopes, he will not think it ſtrange
If both ſhould now their Stations change;
The Nymph will have her Turn to be
The Tutor, and the Pupil he;
Tho' ſhe already can diſcern
Her Scholar is not apt to learn,
Or wants Capacity to reach
The Science ſhe deſigns to teach:

Wherein

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

117

Wherein his Genius was below
The Skill of ev'ry common Beau:
Who though, he cannot spell, is wife
Enough to read a Lady's Eyes,
And will each accidental Glance
Interpret for a kind Advance.
But what Success VANESSA met,
Is to the World a Secret yet:
Whether the Nymph to please her Swain,
Talks in a high Romantick Strain;
Or whether he at last descends,
To love with less Seraphick Ends:
Or, to compound the Bus'neſs, whether
They temper Love and Books together;
Muſt never to Mankind be told,
Nor dare the conscious Mufe unfold.

MEAN time, the mournful Queen of Love
Led but a weary Life above;
She ventures now to leave the Skies,
Grown, by VANESSA's Conduct, wife.
For, tho' by one perverſe Event
Pallas had croſſ'd her firſt Intent;
Tho' her Deſign was not obtain'd,
Yet had the much Experience gain'd:
And by the Project vainly try'd,
Could better now the Cauſe decide.
She gave due Notice, that both Parties,
Coram Regina, prox. di. Martis *,

* Before the Queen on Tuesday next.

Should

118 POEMS on

Shou'd at their Peril, without fail
Come and appear, and fave their Bail.
All met, and Silence thrice proclaim'd,
One Lawyer to each Side was nam'd.
The Judge discover'd in her Face
Refentments for her late Disgrace;
And full of Anger, Shame and Grief,
Directed them to mind their Brief;
Not spend the Time to shew their Reading;
She'd have a summary Proceeding:
She gather'd under ev'ry Head
The Sum of what each Lawyer said;
Gave her own Reafons laft, and then
Decreed the Cauſe againſt the Men.

But in a weighty Cauſe like this,
To ſhow ſhe did not judge amifs,
Which evil Tongues might eſſe report,
She made a Speech in open Court:
Wherein ſhe grievouſly complains
How ſhe was cheated by the Swains;
On whose Petition, humbly ſhewing
That, Women were not worth the Wooing;
And, that unleſs the Sex would mend,
The Race of Lovers ſoon muſt end;
She was at Lord-knows-what Expence
To form a Nymph of Wit and Senſe;
A Model for her Sex deſign'd,
Who never could one Lover find.
She ſaw her Favour was miſplac't,
The Fellows had a wretched Tafe;

She..

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

119

She needs must tell 'em to their Face,
They were a senſeleſs ſtupid Race;
And were ſhe to begin again,
She'd ſtudy to reform the Men;
Or, add ſome Grains of Folly more
To Women, than they had before;
To put them on an equal Foot,
And this, and nothing else wou'd do't:
This might their mutual Fancy ſtrike,
Since ev'ry Being loves its Like.
But, now repenting what was done,
She left all Bus'neſs to her Son:
She put the World in his Poſſeſſion,
And let him uſe it at Diſcretion.
The Cry'r was order'd to diſmifs
The Court, who made his laſt O Yes:
The Goddeſs wou'd no longer wait,
But rilſing from her Chair of State,
Left all Below at Six and Seven,
Harnears'd her Doves, and flew to Heaven.

BRENT.

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 121

Eternal Mifts their dropping Curſe diſtil,
And drizly Vapours all the Ditches fill,
The ſwampy Land's a Bog, the Fields are Seas,
And too much Moisture is the grand Difeaſe;
Here, every Eye with brackiſh Rheum o'erflows,
And a fresh Drop ſtill hangs at every Noſe;
Here, the Winds rule with unconteſted Right,
The wanton Gods at Pleaſure take their Flight;
No ſhelt'ring Hedge, no Tree, no ſpreading
Bough
Obſtrust their Courſe, but unconfin'd they blow;
With dewy Wings they ſweep the wat'ry Meads,
And proudly trample o'er the bending Reeds:
We are to North and Southern Blaſts expos'd,
Still drown'd by one, or by the other froz'd.

THO' *Venice* boaſt, *Brent* is as fam'd a Seat,
For here we live in Seas, and ſail through every
Street;
And this great Privilege we farther gain,
We never are oblig'd to pray for Rain:
And 'tis as forc'd to wifh for ſunny Days;
For tho' the God of Light condenſe his Rays,
And try his Power, we muſt in Water lye,
The Marſh will ſtill be ſuch, and *BRENT* will
ne'er be dry.

SURE this is Nature's Jayl for Rogues
delign'd,
Whoever lives in BRENT, muſt live confin'd;

M

Moted

122

POEMS on

Moted around, the Water is our Fence,
None comes to us, and none can go from hence,
But thou'd a milder Day invite abroad,
To wade thro' Mire, and wallow in the Mud,
Some envious Rine will quickly thwart the
Road:
And then a small round Twig is all our Hopes,
You paſs not Bridges, but you dance on Ropes.

ALL Dogs here take the Water, and we find
No Creature but of an Amphibious Kind:
Rabbits with Ducks, and Geese here fail with
Hens,
And all for Food muſt paddle in the Fens.
Nay, when Provision fails, the hungry Mousſe
Will fear no Pool to reach a neigbouring Housſe.
The good old Hen clucks boldly through the
Stream,
And Chicken newly hatch'd eſſay to ſwim.
All have a moorisſh Tашte, Cow, Sheep, and
Swine,
Eat all like Frogs, and favour of the Rine,
Bread is our only Sauce, a Barley Cake
Hard as your Cheeſe, and as your Trencher black.
Our choicest Drink (and that's the greatest Curſe)
Is but bad Water, made my Brewing worſe,
Better to taſte the Ditch pure and unmix'd
Than when to more unwholſome Ale bewitch'd.

TO him that hath is always given more,
And a new Stock ſupplies the growing Store,
Not

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

123

Not only Rain from bounteous Heaven descends,
But th' Ocean with an after Flood befriends ;
For Nature this as a Relief design,
To salt the stinking Waters of the Rines ;

As when of late enraged Neptune sware
BRENT was his own Part of his lawful Share ;
He said, and held his Trident o'er the Plain,
And soon the Waves poffefs their antient Claim ;
They scorn the Shore ; and o'er the Marshes
found,

And Mud-wall-Cotts are levell'd with the
Ground.

Tho' the courfe Buildings are so humbly low,
That when the Houſe is fall'n you hardly know

Buried we are alive ; the ipacious Dome
Has (like the Grave) but one poor ſcanty
Room,

Neither so large nor lofty as a Tomb.

Thus as in th' Ark, so here in common Sty,
Men and their Fellow Brutes with equal Ho-
nour lye.

No joyous Birds here ſtretch their tuneful Throats,
And pierce the yielding Air with thrilling Notes,
But the hoarſe Sea-Gulls with an odious Cry,
Skim o'er the Marſh, and tell that Storms are nigh.
The curs'd Night-Raven, and the hooting Owl,
Difſturb our reſt, and ſcare the guilty Soul;

The Beasts are of no better Kind, that fill
The Brakes and Caverns of the neighb'ring Hill,
But are, all digging Moles, or prowling Brooks,
The lurking Serpent, and the subtle Fox :

M. 2.

Serpents

124

POEMS on

Serpents in-num'rous on the Mountains roam
Man's greatest Foethought this his safest Home,
Nor could expect an hated Place to find,
More likely to be void of human Kind:
And yet, if Duft be doom'd the Serpent's Meat,
'Tis wondrous strange, if here they ever eat.

AGUES and Coughs with us as constant
reign,

As th' Itch in *Scotland*, or the Flux in *Spain*.
Under the bending Knolls declining Brow,
Where Toad-stools only to Perfection grow,
A Cave there is, I thought by Nature made,
For Want of Trees, a necessary Shade.
Hither I came, and void of Fear and Thought,
Drew near the Entrance of the penfive Grot;
But ah! ——this was the Place, the difmal Cell,
Where spitting Colds, and shiv'ring Agues dwell,
The constant Home of that malicious Fiend,
That, with her third Day Visit, plagues Mankind.
Here a small Fire glow'd in a smoaky Grate,
And hov'ring o'er the Flames old *Febris* fate.
A thick course Mantle on her Shoulders hung,
She gnash'd her Teeth through Cold, and her
lean Fingers wrung.

A stinking Lake her craving Thirst supply'd,
From which a muddy Stream did silent glide;
Greedy, she drank of the unwholesome Brook,
But still the more she drank, the more she shook.
When me the Fury saw, she rais'd her Head,
And Anger to her Palenefs gave a red.

Loft

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

125

Loft had I been, undone! had I not brought,
Of *Indian Cortex* an inchanted Pot.

Thus arm'd with sacred Spells I forward pafs,
And with the Magick Bark befimear'd her hag-
gard Face.

Dreadful she fhriek'd, and with one mighty Shake,
The Hag funk down into the neighb'ring Lake,
Th' unhappy Frogs perceiv'd the Fiend was come,
And all the croaking Tribes forfake their Home.

And from the Pool to milder Banks repair,
The deadly chilling Cold they could not bear,
And their pale quiv'ring Looks confest an
Ague there.

With equal Hafte I quit the fatal Grot,
And safe retire; Thanks to my foveraign Pot.

HAD mournful *Ovid* been to BRENT demn'd,

His *Triftibus* (he would) more movingly have
penn'd;

Gladly he wou'd have chang'd this miry Slough
For colder *Pontus*, and the *Scythian* Snow.

The *Getes* were not so barbarous a Race
As the grim Natives of this motly Place.

Of Thought and Reafon void, whom Inftinſt
rules,

Yet will be Knaves, tho' Nature meant them
Fools.

A ſtrange half Human and ungainly Brood,
Their Speech uncouth, as are their Manners rude.

M 3

When

126

POEMS on

When they would seem to speak, the Mortals
roar

As loud as Waves contending with the Shore.

Their widened Mouths into a Circle grow,
For all their Vowels are but A and O.

The Beasts have the fame Language; and the
Cow,

After her Owner's Voice, is taught to lowe ;

The Lamb to baa, as doth her Keeper; Pyes

And Puppies, learn to howl, from Children's Cries.

SOME think us honest, but thro' this Belief,
That where all steal, there no one is a Thief:

Rogues of all Kinds you may at Leisure chuse;

One finds a Horse, another fears the Noofe,

And humbly is content to take the Shoes.

S

IT never yet could be exactly stated,
What Time of Year this World was first Created.
Some plead for Summer, but more wife bethought
them,

That th' Earth, like other Fruits, was ripe in
Autumn ;

While gayer Wits the Vernal Bloom prefer,
And think the smiling World did first appear
In the young Glory of the budding Year.

But the black Knoll, and all the Marshes round
(A Sort of Chaos of unfinish'd Ground)

Were made in Winter, one may safely swear,
For Winter is the only Season there.

OF

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 127

O F Four prime Elements all Things below
By various Mixtures were compos'd; but now
(At least with us) they are reduc'd to Two.
The daily Want of Fire our Chimneys mourn,
Cow-Dung and Turf may smoak, but never burn,
Water and Earth are all that BRENT can boast,
The Air in Mifts, and dewy Steams is loft.
We live on Fogs, and in this moory-Sink,
When we are thought to breathe, we rather drink.

IT'S said the World at last in Flames must
dye,
And thus interd in its own Ashes lye;
If any Part shall then remain entire,
And be excepted from that common Fire,
Sure 'twas this wat'ry Spot that Nature meant,
For though the World be burnt, this never will
be Brent. *

* An old Word for Burnt, used by CHAUCER.

WIN-

I

28

POEMS on

WINTONIA.

PANTING and breathless from the Vale
below,
We've climb'd the Steep, and gain'd the Moun-
tain's Brow;

Where we may rest, but with unwearied Eyes,
Survey the Prospect that around us lies;

Where Art and Nature in one Landscape join,
And with united Beauties doubly shine;

Striking at once the nice Observer's View
Not with Surprize alone, but Pleasure too.

Here, may the Sight like wand'ring Fancy roam,
And from afar bring true Descriptions home.

Tho' antient Poets might in heightned Strains,
Describe fair Tempe's, or Arcadia's Plains;

Or paint high Rodophe's and Hemus Brow,
Shaded with Pines, or cover'd o'er with Snow;

Might draw the Hebrus flowing down the Hills,
And Peneus gliding with its murm'ring Rills,
Yet cou'd not foar beyond a lively Dream,
But what they fancy'd is some actual Theme.

Oh, wou'd some Muse! — if haply any one,
Wou'd tread this Path unbeaten and unknown,
Wou'd imp her Wings, with lofty Pinions dare
To skim the Clouds, and cut ethereal Air,

What

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 129

What laſting Glory, and prodigious Fame,
Might he acquire and reap from ſuch a Theme;
But if thro' Fears thy Sallies may be done,
Thy Stock of Thoughts be lavilh'd out too ſoon,
For Want of Matter that this Work muſt ceaſe,
E'er thou canſt finiſh ſuch a glorious Piece,
Rather than fail, or my Directions need,
I will ſtand by, and teach thee to proceed.

THO' Mufe of mine, thou'rt innocent and
young,
And ne'er preſum'd to more than rural Song,
Thy pleasing Groves and Paſtures leave a while,
And to Heroick Subjeſts turn thy Stile.

LET Cath'rine's Mount be thy Parnassus
now,
For this and Twyford frames a double Brow,
And Twyford's Hill Caſtalian Springs can ſhow.

FIRST then, asPainters, when with Art divine
Some noble Work in Picture they deſign,
To ſtrike the Eye they ſtrive with utmoſt Care,
So draw the brighteſt Objects large and near;
Such as amazing Art hath proudly rear'd,
And made through wond'ring Ages be rever'd.
Some ſtately Arch on ſuted Pillars borne,
Or tow'ring Fanes the Tablet may adorn;
Or eſſe ſome mould'ring Pyramid may grace
The painted Scene, and hold the chiefeſt Place.

For

130

POEMS on

For splendid Rivers please the curious Eye,
And e'en in Ruin for Perfection vie.

So we, my Muse, their Method will purfue,
And draw that first, which first falutes our View.
See then how grave that *reverend Pile* * appears,
Grown old, yet more majestical in Years;
With solemn Pride how gracefully it stands,
As if not built but by immortal Hands;
How midst the Clouds it rears its awful Head,
And fills th' Obferver with a sacred Dread.

* A fine, unfinished Building, designed as a Hunting-Palace for King CHARLES II.

To

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

131

To a fair LADY singing to
her LUTE.

By Mr. POPE:

FAIR Charmer ceaſe, nor make your Voice's
prize,
A Heart reſign'd, the Conqueſt of your Eyes.
Well might, alas! that threatned Veffel fail,
Which Winds and Lightning, both at once affair;
We were too bleſt, with theſe inchanting Lays,
Which muſt be heav'nly when an Angel plays:
But killing Charms, your Lover's Death contrive,
Left Heav'nly Muſick ſhou'd be heard alive.

ORPHEUS cou'd charm the Trees, but thus, a
Tree,
Taught by your Hand, can charm no leſs than he,
A Poet made the ſilent Wood purſue,
This vocal Wood had drawn the Poet too.

The

132

POEMS on

# The TRANSLATOR.

## By the SAME.

O ZELL at Sanger's * Call, invok'd his Mufe
For who to sing for Sanger cou'd refuse
His Numbers such as Sanger's self might ufe.
Reviving Perault, murd'ring Boileau, he
Slander'd the Antients firſt, then Wycherley;
Which yet not much that old Bard's Anger
rais'd,
Since thofe were flander'd moſt, whom Ozell
prais'd.

Nor had the gentle Satire caus'd complaining,
Had not ſage Rowe pronounc'd it entertaining:
How great muſt be the Judgment of that Writer,
Who the Plain-Dealer damns, and prints the Biter!

* Egbert Sanger ſerved his Apprenticeſhip with Jacob Tonion, and ſucceeded Bernard Lintot in his Shop at the Middle-Temple Gate, Fleet Street; Lintot printed Ozell's Translation of Perault's Characters, and Sanger his Translation of Boileau's Lutrin, recommended by Mr. Rowe, Anno 1709.

SATIRE.

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

133

SATIRE.

By the same.

IF Dennis writes, and rails, with furious Pet,
I'll answer Dennis, when I am in Debt;
If meaner Gildon, draws his venal Quill,
I wish the Wretch a Dinner, and fit still:
'Tis Hunger, and not Malice, makes them print,
And who'd wage War with Bedlam, or the Mint?
But were there One, whom better Stars confire,
To form a Bard, and raise his Genius higher?
Blest with each Talent, and each Art to please,
And born to write, converse, and live with Eafe.
Shou'd such a Man be fond to Reign alone,
Bear, like the Turk, no Brother near the Throne?
View him with scornful, yet with jealous Eyes,
And hate for Arts which caus'd himself to rife.
Damn with faint Praise—Affent with civil Lear,
And without sneering—teach the rest to sneer.
Wishing to wound—and yet afraid to strike;
Just hint a Fault, and hesitate Dislike:
Alike referv'd to blame, or to commend,
A timorous Foe, and a suspicious Friend;

N

Fearing

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

135

Yet hence since Wits undue Advantage raife,
Studious to censure both, but neither praife,
Thee I'll espoufe, my Friend, in open Light,
Carelesse, tho' CURLL thou'd print, or DENNIS
write.

My Literal-self, that partial I commend,
In thee my Figurative-self, my Friend.

WHO thy Poetick Worth can fitter tell ?
So well who knows it, or who loves so well?
Tho' grov'ling oft, fometimes thou durft like me
Degenerate into loftieft Poetry !
How does th' applauding World with Wonder
view

A Nymph, or Heroine, in a *Black-Ey'd-Sue* !

Whose Charms thy Verfe has spread from Pole
to Pole,

Where Winds can carry, or where Waves can
rowl.

To nobleft Heights did humbleft Ballad rife,

When *Indian* Diamond sparkled for her Eyes.

When far fetch'd Iv'ry taught the Lover's Sight
Her Skin how spotlefs, or her Teeth how white!

Her op'ning Lips *Arabian* Sweets exhale
Fragrant as od'rous *Africk's* spicy Gale.

Such choice Perfumes, nor VIRGIL's happy Field;

Nor fam'd *Alcinous* Magick Garden yields.

Not fairer feem'd of old the *Paphian-QUEEN*,
When unadorn'd on *Ide* by PARIS seen.

Nor e'en Romance can brighter Charms display,

Nor more cou'd PETRARCH for his LAURA say.

N 2

For

136

POEMS on

For Flights like these, the Learn'd may search
in vain

The Sabine Cygnet, or the Theban Swan.
But finest Genii near thou'd fetter'd be
By Character and dull Propriety.

But leave your real Life your simple Strains,
To English Milk-Maids, and Sicilian Swains.*

Yet most thine Art, O Bard divine! is seen,
When CUPID guards his WILLIAM in Machine.
And turns the miffive Balls that round him fly,
Left Tears, alas! thou'd drop from SUKEY's Eye.
Submiffive at his Feet the Bullets fall,
Tho' shot with Force to sink an Admiral.

No more from MARS let VENUS Succour find,
But lift her CUPID, now, no longer blind.

Improv'd by modern Marksmen let him know
The Ufe of Fire-Arms, and reign his Bow.

Such Art tho' talteles Vandals disregard,
Is old, and worthy the Mæonian Bard.

So silver Thetis from her Ouze shall rife
The dead PATROCLUS to preserve from Flies.

Ambrosial Drops a kind Receipt afford,
Left Maggots harm him after HECTOR's Sword.

SOONER mine ODE that hail'd CÆCILIA's Day,
Shall yield the Palm to sing-song-Opera;
And veil its weighty Sense and Thought pro-
found,
To wav'ring, quav'ring, undulating Sound.

* *His Pastorals, called the Shepherd's Week.*

The

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

137

The knotty Quellion shall determin'd be,
Of DRYDEN Bard immortal and of ME,
Which moft excels in Verse and Piety.
Dan CHAUCER's Tales, Dan DURFEY shall out-
shine,
And PHILIPS' Pastorals compare with MINE,
Than GAY forgotten lye.
Or take Allusions in a nat'ral Strain,
Drawn from the Seaman's proper Place the Main.

SOONER shall British Sailors Cowards grow,
And count their Numbers when they meet their
Foe.
The rough old Tar, a fupple Courtier be,
And leave off Flip for elemental Tea,
Than thou fhalt dye—till then, as VIRGIL says,
Shall laft thy Name, thy Honour, and thy Praise.

N 3

SON

SEVERAL OCCASIONS. 141

Faith, Sir, you're very wife I own,
Is Homer then no better known?
Tibullus, and old Chaucer too,
I wonder you forget 'em so!
Those Bards but now you heard me name,
And are not those the very fame,
Alike their Worth, alike their Fame?

FOR Nature conscious of the Coft,
(And her Receipt Poetic loft)
In Prior, Pack, and Pope infuses
Their very transfmigrated Mufes;
But now, since Nature thus knocks under,
Let's see how Art can work a Wonder;
And where the Lyon's Skin shall fail,
We'll patch it with the Fox's Tail.
Well then, Imprimis, Recipe,
But what? How much? Why let me see.

FIRST, take a little Stock of Learning,
Then, a leff Portion of Discerning,
(Sufficient if you reach the Rules
Of ipfe Dixit, and the Schools)
Next take of Vanity enough,
Modest Affurance, Irish Proof;
But what will ſtand you in more Stead,
Take MITCHELL's Impudence from Tweed;
There let him back again be ſent,
To ſeratch for an EQUIVALENT.
Then frugally to ſpare your Wit
Take ſomething that reſembles it,

And

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

143

Then peaceably betimes resign thy Quill,
Scotland to British Pow'r is subject still:
Nor think thy Jargon shall debauch our Ear,
While happy we our native Poets hear:
While Congreve with a just Politenefs warms,
While easy Pope with flowing Music charms,
While witty Swift shall ev'ry Muse adorn,
And Dennis flcourage the Fools he does not flcorn,
While Philips' Voice delights the lift'ning Swains,
And Steele declines the Praife his Merit gains,
While Fenton's fadly-pleafing Numbers move,
And Granville kindles up a nobler Love.

OH famous Bards ! Your genuine Strength
infuse,
And kindly animate an Infant Muse ;
A Muse who fir'd with Indignation flings,
And fhrouds her Parents with her filial Wings,
So fhall the rife to Honour and Delight,
Or nobly perifh in her Country's Right.

YET warm'd with British Heat, and British
Lays,
Thou ſtriv'd to turn thy Satire into Praise;
Thus Ægypt's Streams in muddy Channels run,
And ripen into Monſters by the Sun.
In vain thou'rt ſan&ify'd with Homer's Name
Not Homer's Laurels ſhall proteſt thy Shame,
In mighty Pope that Greek thy Bafeneſs knows,
And Zoilus and Homer ſtill were Foes :

Murd'ers,

144

POEMS on

Murd’rers, like thee, to an *Asylum* fly,
Not to show Zeal, but hide their Infamy;
And with convicted Villains may’st thou go,
Guilty of Robbery and Murder too;
For trace thy Paths, and presently we find,
Thy Hand that robb’d Pack’s * Garden of the
Mind.

Tho’ here ’twas pretty right, upon my Word,
To steal from One, who can so well afford;
But then to murder too—Oh black Design!
To make that Mortal which he made Divine?
Be *Shame* thy Punishment, below our Scorn—
For Britons are with noble Spirits born—
But take this timely Caution, and beware,
Nor brave a Danger which may be too near;
Left some incens’d ULYSSES thou’d be found,
To strike the *railing* Daftard to the Ground.

* He stole his Thought from Major PACK’s Poem, entitled, Religious Solitude. See his Miscellanies, printed for E. CURLL in the Strand.

To

SEVERAL OCCASIONS.

145

To Mr. E. CURLL,
*Bookseller.*

WHILE spurious Poems daily vex us,
And cannot please, but must perplex us;
While TONSON builds on DRYDEN's Name,
And flourishes in Wealth and Fame,
By swelling Volumes three to fix,
And other miscellaneous Tricks,
By stuffing them with Rhymes on Trust,
(Well, Things by standing will get Dust.)

THEN pr'ythee CURLL, e'er 'tis too late,
(For Mortals must submit to Fate)
Collect, correct, and eke produce
The scatter'd Labours of thy Muse,
I'm sure they'll make a pretty Volume,
And every Body will extol 'em;
For Fame you'll have a double Venture,
As Author first, then next, as Printer :
So shall you prove by that you've writ,
What TONSON passes for a Wit.

O

BUT

146 POEMS, &c.

But this observe, Sir, let your Letter
Be good as Lintot's, if not better:
As for the Title on the Shelf,
I'll leave that Matter to your self.
The Binding, ay, the Binding tho'—
You know fine Trappings make a Beau—
For if that shine thro' Crystal-Cafe,
'Twill wound the Ladies as they pafs :
And then the Toy, 'tis so uncommon,
Of being handled by a Woman !
Commended almost out of Meaſure,
The Pride of giving Ladies Pleaſure!

THUS happier than APOLLO, you,
Shall gain the NYMPH and Laurel too.

Yours,

WILLIAM PATTISON.

Sidney Coll. Camb. 1715.

LETTER I.

Madam,

HE Letter you were pleased to direct for me, to be left at the Coffee-house last Summer, was a great Honour; and your Verses were, I thought, too good to be a* Woman's; some of my friends to whom I read them were of the same Opinion. 'Tis not over gallant, I must confess, to say this of the fair Sex; but most certain it is, that they generally write with more softness than Strength. On the contrary, you want neither Vigour in your Thoughts, nor Force in your Expressions, nor Harmony in your Numbers, and methinks I find much of ORINDA ‡ in your Manner (to whom I had the Honour to be related, and also to be known.) But I continued not a Day in the Ignorance of the Person to whom I was obliged; for, if you remember, you brought the

* A Pastoral, hereafter mentioned.

‡ The celebrated Mrs. Katherine Philips.

O 3

Verses

150 Mr. DRYDEN'S LETTERS

Verses to a Bookseller's Shop, and enquired
there, how they might be sent to me. There
happened to be in the fame Shop a Gentle-
man, who hearing you speak of me, and see-
ing a Paper in your Hand, imagined it was a
Libel against me, and had you watched by his
Servant, till he knew both your Name, and
where you lived, of which he sent me word
immediately. Tho' I have lost his Letter, yet
I remember you live some where about St.
* Giles's, and are an only Daughter. You
must have passed your Time in Reading much
better Books than mine; or otherwise you
could not have arrived to so much Knowledge
as I find you have. But whether Sylph or
Nymph I know not; Those fine Creatures, as
your Author Count Gabalis † affures us have
a mind to be christened, and since you do me
the Favour to desire a Name from me, take
that of CORINNA if you please; I mean not
the Lady with whom OVID was in Love,
but the famous Theban Poets, who overcame
PINDAR five Times, as Historians tell us.
I wou'd have call'd you SAPHO, but that
I hear you are handsomer. Since you find I
am not altogether a Stranger to you, be pleased
to make me happier by a better Knowledge

* Corinna then lived in Dyott-Street, in St. Giles's in the Fields, as did also Mr. Dryden in the fame Parish.

† A new Translation of the entertaining History of the Count de GABALIS, has been lately printed by E. Curll in the Strand. Price 1s. 6d.

of

152 *Mr. DRYDEN'S LETTERS*

But this I need not say to you, who are too
well born, and too well principled, to fall in-
to that Mire.

In the mean Time, I would advise you not
to trust too much to VIRGIL's *Pastorals*;
for as excellent as they are, yet THEOCRITUS
is far before him, both in Softnefs of Thought,
and Simplicity of Expression. Mr. *Creech* has
translated that Greek Poet, which I have not
read in English. If you have any considera-
ble Faults, they confest chiefly in the Choice
of Words and the placing them so as to
make the Verse run smoothly; but I am at
present so taken up with my own Studies, that
I have not Leisure to descend to Particulars;
being in the mean time the fair CORINNA's

Most humble and most

faithful Servant,

JOHN DRYDEN.

P. S. I keep your two ‡ Copies till you want
them, and are pleased to send for them.

* Mr. Creech's *Translation of Theocritus* is printed for E. Curll in the Strand, Pr. 2s. 6d. ‡ These two Copies of Verses are printed in the Author's *Miscellany Poems on several Subjects*, for Tho. Combes in *Pater-nofter-row*, 1722. in 8vo.

*The First is, A Pastoral Elegy, to the Memory of the honourable Cecilia Bew.*

*The Second, The Triple League to Mrs. Susan Dove; written in Imitation of Mrs. Behn.*

LETTER

To CORINNA.

153

LETTER III.

Fair Corinna,

I Have sent your *Poems* back again, after having kept them so long from you : By which you see I am like the rest of the World, an impudent Borrower, and a bad Pay-maſter. You take more Care of my Health than it deferves ; that of an old Man is always crazy, and at present, mine is worse than usual, by a St. ANTHONY's *Fire* in one of my Legs ; tho' the Swelling is much abated, yet the Pain is not wholly gone, and I am too weak to stand up on it. If I recover, it is possible I may attempt *Homer's ILIADS* : A Specimen of it (the first Book) is now in the Preſs, among other Poems of mine, which will make a *Volume in Folio*, of twelve Shillings Price; and will be published within this Month. I desire, fair Author, that you will be pleased to continue me in your good Graces, who am with all Serenity and Gratitude,

Your moſt humble

Servant, and Admirer.

Friday, December
29th. 1699.

JOHN DRYDEN.

* The Volume here referred to by Mr. Dryden, is (what commonly goes by the Title) of his Fables, &c.

LETTER

154 Mr. DRYDEN'S LETTERS

LETTER IV.

Madam,

Notwithstanding I have been seized with a
Fever ever since I saw you last, I have
this Afternoon endeavoured to do my self the
Honour of obeying my Lady Chudleigh's Com-
mands. My Fever is still increasing, and I
beg you to peruse the following Verues accor-
ding to you own Sense and Discretion, which
far surpasses mine in all Respects. In a small
Time of Intermission from my Illness I wrote
these following.

Madam,

How happy is our British Isle to bear
Such Crops of Wit and Beauty to the Fair
A female Muse each vieing Age has blest;
And the last Phoenix still excels the rest :
But you, such solid Learning add to Rhymes,
Your Sense looks fatal to succeeding Times;
Which rais'd to such a Pitch, o'erflows like Nile,
And with an after Dearth must seize our Isle.
Alone of all your Sex, without the Rules,
Of formal Pedants, or the noisy Schools.
(What Nature has beftow'd will Art supply)
Have trac'd the various Tracts of dark Philo-
sophy.

What

to CORINNA.

155

What happy Days had wife AURELIUS seen,
If for FAUSTINA, you his Wife had been!
No jarring Nonсенfe had his Soul oppreft;
For he, with all he wifh'd for, had been bleft.

Be pleased to tell me what you find amifs,
or correct it yourself, and excufe this Trouble
from,

Madam,

Your moſt humble and
moſt obedient Servant,

CHARLES DRYDEN. *

* The Son of Mr. Dryden, he had a very con-
fiderable Poſt under the Pope, and died lately at
Rome.

An

Explanatory Notes.

Attentive Echo pleas'd to hear his Songs,
Thro' the glad Shade each warbling Note pro-
longs;
His various Numbers charm our ravish'd Ears,
His Steady Judgment far out-shoots his Years,
And early in the Youth the God appears.*

*Epigram* Papal. On the *Female Canticle*, was occasioned by *The Song of the three Children, paraphrased by a Lady of Quality*.

Cadenus and Vanessa. 1. is Decanus reversed.

2. is Mrs. Hefter Van Homrigh.

ERRATA.

Page 82. Line 15. read, Th' Allies to bomb Toulon prepare.

Page 156. line 19. read, Curst be the Man who taught us first to rove.

* See Lintot's *Miscellany*.

THE

# The TABLE.

## LETTER IV.

*On Lintot's Miscellany. The Translation of Statius. Poets and Gardiners compared. Sapho and Mr. Cromwell in Spring-Garden. The Hiatus in Poetry to be avoided.* Page 10.

## LETTER V.

*A Stage-Coach Amour. Instances of Friendship. Ode on Solitude.* p. 13.

## LETTER VI.

*A Comparison between Life and the Drama. Theatrical Differences.* p. 18.

## LETTER VII.

*Muses Recreation. Panegyric on Mr. Wycherley. Author's Account of his Dog. Poem on Ulysses's Dog ARGUS. Fidelity of those Creatures. A remarkable Story of one told by Sir William Trumbull.* p. 21.

## LETTER VIII.

*The Author's Thanks for correcting some of his Pieces.* p. 25.

## LETTER IX.

*On Sir William Trumbull's desiring to see the Translation of Statius. An Invitation into the Country.* p. 27.

LETTER

The TABLE.

LETTER XV.

Good Effects of Sickness. Professions of Friendship. Criticisms on Perſius. Sapho deferted by Mr. Cromwell. p. 42.

LETTER XVI.

A Criticism on Mr. Philips's Pastorals. On Mr. Dryden's Virgil, &c. p. 46.

LETTER XVII.

Some Account of Tycho Brahe, and Parson Trapp. Of Constables and Clergymen. Of the Defect in poetical Numbers. Of the Propriety of Versification. Examples from Vida. p. 49.

LETTER XVIII.

An Invitation to the Country. p. 54.

LETTER XIX.

Remarks upon some Passages in Mr. Dryden's Translation of Virgil. A Classical Postscript. p. 56.

LETTER XX.

On Mr. Cromwell's Return to London. Verses on Coffee. p. 58.

LETTER

The TABLE.

An Epistle from Mr. Alexander Pope to Henry Cromwell Esq.; Page 77.
Venus at Bath. Anno 1709. By Mr. Cromwell.
Phaon to Sapho when sick. By the Same.
Sapho's Answer to Phaon.
Phaon's Reply.
Epigram Papal. On the Female Canticle.
Mr. Pope.
Cadenus and Vanessa. A Law-Cafe.
Swift.
BRENT. To Thomas Palmer, Esq.;
WINTONIA. Left unfinished.
To a fair Lady singing to her Lute.
Pope.
The TRANSLATOR. By the Same.
SATIRE. By the Same.
An EPISTLE from Mr. Pope to Mr. Gay.
Mr. Wefley.
Sonnet by Spenser. Never before printed.
EPIGRAM. 1726.
A Receipt to make a Modern Poet. By Mr. Pattern.
To Mr. Mitchell on his two Poetical Petitions.
By the Same.
To Mr. E. Curll, Bookseller. By the Same.
Familiar Letters to Corinna, by Mr. Dryden and his Son.
BOOKS

BOOKS printed for E. CURLL:

1. THE *Gentleman's* and *Lady's* Miscellany: Confiting of Original Poems, by the most eminent Hands. 3 Vols. price 15s.

2. The Poetical Works of the Earls of Rochester, Roscommon, Dorset, Duke of Devonshire, Buckinghamshire, &c. Adorned with Cuts. pr. 4s.

3. The Poetical Works of the late Earl of Halifax, with his Life, and a true Copy of his last Will and Testament. pr. 5s.

4. Mr. Addison's Poems on several Occasions, collected into one Volume. Adorn'd with Cuts. pr. 5s.

5. Major Pack's Miscellanies in Verse and Prose, the 2d Edition; with the Life of Ponponius Atticus. pr. 7s.

6. The Poetical and Critical Works of the celebrated *Monfieur Boileau*, in 3 Volumes. pr. 15s.

7. Mr. Creech's Translation of the *Idylliums of Theocritus*: To which is prefix'd, Rapin's Discourse on Pastorals. pr. 2s. 6d.

8. The Works of Anacreon, Sapho, and Bi-on, made English from the Greek by several Hands. pr. 2s.

9. Poems on several Occasions, by Mr. Sewell. pr. 1s. 6d.

10. Esther,

Books printed for E. Curll.

10. *Esther*, Queen of Persia, an Heroic Poem, by John Henley, M. A. of St. John's College in Cambridge. pr. 1 s. 6 d.

11. Dr. Young's Poem on the LAST-DAY, adorn'd with Cuts. pr. 1 s.

12. The Resurrection, a Poem, by Mr. Addison. pr. 6 d.

13. The Force of Religion: Or, Vanquish'd Love. A Poem, in two Books, illustrated in the History of the Lady Jane Gray: By Dr. Young. Adorn'd with Cuts. pr. 1 s.

14. *Muscipula*: Sive Cambro Muo-Machia. Authore F. Holdsworth, è Coll. Magd. Oxon. With a Translation of it, by Mr. Samuel Cobb, late of Trinity College, Cambridge. pr. 1 s.

15. The PATCH: An Heroi-Comical Poem, in three Cantos, to which is added, the Welch Wedding, a Poem, by a Gentleman of Queen's College, Oxon, pr. 1 s.

16. Poems by Mr. John Philips, late Student of Christ Church College, Oxon. viz. The Splendid Shilling, Blenheim, Cyder, &c. with his Life. By Mr. Sewell. pr. 4 s. in 8vo. 2 s. 6 d. in 12mo.

17. The Elzevir Miscellany, confisting of Original Poems, Translations, and Imitations, by the most eminent Hands. pr. 1 s. 6 d.

18. *Shakespear's Poems compleat, in one Volume; with Remarks upon his Plays*. pr. 5 s.

19. Boileau's Lutrin, an Heroi-Comical Poem, in fix Cantos, adorn'd with Cuts. pr. 1 s. 6 d.

20. The Loyal Mourner for the Best of Princes; being a Collection of Poems, Sacred to the Pious and immortal Memory of Queen ANNE: By Bishop Smalridge, Dr. Adams, Dr. Young, Mr. Tate, &c. with a Character of her Majesty by Dr. Marshal, and her Effigies curioufly

engraven

Books printed for E. Curll,

engraven from Sir Godfrey Kneller's Original
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1 s. 6 d.

21. The *Hoop-Petticoat*, an Heroi-Comical
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3d Edition. pr. 1 s.

22. The *Rape of the Smock*, an Heroi-Comical
Poem. pr. 1 s.

23. *Boileau's* Art of Poetry, in four Cantos,
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24. *Callipædia:* Or, The Art of Getting
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25. *Ovid in Maſquerade; being the Speeches
of Ajax and Ulysses Burlesqued, from the 13th
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Gay*. pr. 1 s.

26. *Dooms-Day; Or, The Last Judgment: A
Poem.* By the Right Honourable the Earl of
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to the Editor, pr. 2 s.

27. The *Parfon's Daughter*; a Tale; written
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29. The Art of Drefs; a Poem: By Capt.
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30. Mac

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33. Dies Novissima; Or, The Last Epiphany: A Pindarick Ode, on Christ's Second Appearance to Judge the World. By the Reverend Mr. John Pomfret, of Malden in Bedfordshire, (Author of the Choice, a Poem) pr. 6 d.

34. REASON: A Satire, occasioned by the Trinitarian Controversy, in the Year 1700. By Mr. Pomfret, pr. 6 d.

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F I N I S.

MISCELLANEA.

The SECOND Volume.

I. An ESSAY upon GIBING.
With a Project for its Improvement.

II. The PRAISE of WOMEN.
Done out of French:

III. An ESSAY on the Mischief
of giving Fortunes with Women in
MARRIAGE.

IV. SWIFTEANA: Or
Poems by Dean SWIFT, and feve-
ral of his FRIENDS.

V. Laus Ululæ. The PRAISE of
OWLS. Translated from the Latin,
By a Canary BIRD.

LONDON:
Printed in the YEAR, 1727.

The *Dedication*.

Two Ladies, from a late Motion made
in Court, it is apprehended, that, their
Differences will be finally adjusted by
Bonds of Arbitration, wherein, to
prevent any farther Litigation of the
Affair, if you will be so kind to stand
Umpire, it will fully confirm that Friendship
which you have so strenuously and
so frequently professed for him.

THEN, Sir, upon a happy Consummation of all Things, I doubt not but he will admit you to share his Felicity of Lying in State between them, not in Linnen, but Paper Sheets; for by that Metaphor no other Idea is conveyed than what is strictly confestent with the Purity of the Platonick System, all Carnal Impurities being the Detestation of

Your humble Servant,

The EDITOR.

(1726.)

Terminis Trin : the final Day,
Succeeds the merry Month of May.

2

An E S S A Y

this extensive Community, and claim the Privilege of exercising their Skill in this facetious Occupation.

That therefore I may contribute to the keeping up of this gay Disposition of my Countrymen, I design in the following Paper a Differtation on the Nature, Usefulneſs, and Improvement of Gibing, and ſhow them the true way of becoming Adepts in this modiſh Accomplishment.

And I hope I may without any Imputation of Vanity enter upon this undertaking, when I affure my Readers, that my Remarks are the Result of hard Study, and Meditation, of grey Hairs, and long Experience, collected from a diligent Observation of Mens different Humours, Passions, Pleasures, and Pursuits, a continued Application to this Art, and a promiſcuous Converſe in the World, especially with some learned Doctors excellent in this way.

I have no ſelſh Views in this Composition, it was conceived, and written for the Improvement of the preſent Generation, and that our remoteſt Poſterity may reap Benefit from the enſuing Hints for the Production of Humour, and Facetiousneſs.

I should have otherwife acted more Politickly, printed an Advertiſement, and given a Specimen of my Deſign, applied to my Friends to procure Subſcriptions, and declared my ſelf a Party Man to secure on one ſide, Patrons, Preſents, and a Reputation to my Performance.

I should have followed the Conduct of the Author, who not long since obliged the World with an elaborate Treatife on a Sifter Art; and infinuated at my Weekly Club, that this Work of immense Erudition was digetted, licked, pared,

On GIBING.

3

pared, and polished by my Friend Jonathon, a
great Dab at Jokes and Gibing.

*Eft enim Leporem disertus Pater, & face-
tiarum.*

But as these are the Artifices of those who
would force a Trade, and make a Penny of
their Performances; so I esteem them Trifles
below my Regard, Character, and Confidera-
tion; and I intend to leave the Successes and
Credit of my Effay, to stand, or fall, be ap-
plauded, or damned, by the Merits or Imperti-
nence of the Composition.

Now Gibing, being the *Mot de Ruelle*, a
Technical Term used by a polite Assembly, to
signify the Art of humorous Conversion, or
Writing, it may not be understood by those, who
have not had the Happineſs of being introduced
into this Circle, of *Beaux Esprits*; it is nece-
fary that I explain its Meaning and Nature, and
give some Account of its Mechanical Opera-
tion on the Humours and Affections of its
Admirers.

It is not to be taken for deriding, or fool-
ing, for bantering, bamboozling, drolling, or
jokeing, or any low Species of Humour, or
Buffoonry; but it must be understood to signi-
fy in this Effay, a Specifick Essence extracted
by Force, or Custom from each of these ludi-
crous Qualities, which when attended with a
Vastneſs and Fecundity of Invention, a good
Memory, a happy Faculty of forefeeing Ad-
vantages, and enriched with the choiceſt Flow-
ers of Human Learning, qualifies a Man to
give a delicious Seaſoning to the moſt inſipid
Conversation. Some Drops of which ſubtile

B 2

Spirit,

4

An ESSAY

Spirit, by a fortuitous Concourse and lucky Disposition of the nervous Juices, penetrating into the Fibres of the Brain of some one, or more in Company of Belli Homunculi, communicate a Gaiety to all by insensible Perpiration, occasioned by Rubbing and Irritation; which Heats and Expands this salutary Elixir; and when the Operation is begun, the Vis Comica displays it self, and the Company grows bright by mutual Collisions of Wit. Men perceive an uncommon Briskneſs and Celerity given to their Animal Spirits, and a lively Circulation to the whole Maſs of Fluids, &c.— Their Blood invigorated and mantling in their Veins, their Faces ſhining in humorous Postures, all ſplenatick Obstructions removed, and an universal Alacrity diffused over their whole Animal Oeconomy, they improve each other by filing the Ruſt, rough Sides and Reſtneſs of their Conduct; placing their Imperfections in the moſt ludicrous Points of Light, and give and take Leſſons of Wiserom, by putting each other's Faults out of Countenance, draw Inſtruction from Mirth, and Morality from Laughter.

And this is the moſt pleasing Vehicle that Human Wiserom could invent for the admiſtring the Medicinal Doſes of Philosophy, and curing the Corruptions of the Age, and makes more Profelytes to Virtue, and polite Conduct, than dry Harangues, and common Places of Morality. For it is a lufcious Draught, and will be glibly ſwallowed, here is no grim Aspects and solemn Countenances to awe Men to comply with this Perſcription, no Confinement to Rules, Formality of Diet, or Hours of Study, but an absolute Freedom from

all

On GIBING.

5

all Restraints; an Exemption from the Dogmaticalneſs of Schools and Colleges, the Pedantry and Pertneſs of Tutors, and the Pride and Inſolence of Reſtors, and Sowerneſs of Enthusiastick Teachers.

This Remedy is to be taken in fair Weather, for Rain and Fogs are great Enemies of Mirth and Humour, affect the Heads and Hearts of Wits, and make them dull and ſplenetick, for they cannot ſpeak Senſe but in Sun-shine. But Art may ſupply the Defect of our Clime; if we practise the College Cuitom, of making Nights of bad Days, by shutting the Windows, and correcting the Inclemencies of the Sky by abundance of Lights, Liquor and Fire; for according to the Gloomineſs or Serenity of the Weather, the Animal Spirits will be poor or rich, ſcarce or plenty, and the Gibing Humour will ebb or flow; the Company depreſſed with the Weight of its own Dulneſs, sink into an inſpid Caput mortuum; an Asſembly of Stupsids without Life, Motion or Merriment, or elevated with ſprightly Ebullitions of Wit, lucid Scenes of Chearfulneſs, and Tides of uninterrupted Feltivity.

The predominant Quality of this Gibing Humour is Saltneſs, which frets whatever is deformed and disagreeable, and contrary to Decency and good Manners; and by its wonderful Stypticity dries up the Filthineſs and Corruptions of Converſation, but preserves and brightens what is amiable and virtuous, gentle and polite, and confident with a judicious Management of our Words and Actions.

It is from this Property the Wits of Rome borrowing from their Grecian Masters, called the Pleasantries of their Converſation, Sales, as

B 3

if

6 An ESSAY

if they cured Men of their Follies and Imperfections, by the Poignancy of their facetious Railleries, and seasoned them with a Philosophical Pickle as an Antidote against the Taint of an indecent and immoral Behaviour.

The ancient Philosophers practised this gay Way of Moralizing, as an excellent Expendient for exposing and reforming the Follies of Mankind; Socrates the great Father of Morality among the Heathen World, was so remarkable for the Exercise of this useful and diverting Accomplishment, that he acquired the Name of εἰσων, the Gibe, from the Ironical Turn of his Conversation: And his whole Life, if we may believe Quintilian, was one continued Scene of Gibing and Banter, Irony and Irrition. Ariftotle in his Ethicks, dignifies it with a Place in his Catalogue of Virtues; and recommends its Use when regulated by good Manners, and good Sense kept within due Bounds, on proper Subjects, at proper Seasons, and becoming the Ears and Attention of good Men.

Perhaps some fullen Euthuiasts may allege, that this εὐτραπελισμα of Ariftotle, is one of the Vices condemned by St. Paul, from the Identity of the Original Word; but it must be observed, that it is not used in the same Sense by both, the Apostle placing it in Company with Fornication, Uncleanefs, Filthinefs and foolish Talking, fews, the Jefting there must refer to the foregoing Vices, and signifies the smutty, obscene and scurrilous Difcourse, the rotten and putrid Jeftings practised by the Heathens, as Incentives to Luft and Lechery, and Forerunners of Fornication; by the Philoso-pher for a well regulated Facetiouſneſs, the in-nocent

On GIBING.

7

nocent Sallies of Wit and Humour, and the
inoffensive Pleasantries of Conversation.

Its Usefulneſs is acknowledged by the great-
eſt Lights of the ancient Church; there are ex-
tant ſome facetious Epiftles of St. Bafil, and
Gregory Nazianzen, and it was customary with
St. Chryſoftome to gibe Men for their Immora-
lities, he addreſſed himſelf to Sinners by con-
trary Names, called the Drunkards, Water-
Drinkers; the Covetous, poor; the Oppreſſors,
merciful; ſhaming them for their favourite Vi-
ces by ſuch figurative Speculations; which
Manner of rebuking Vice, it is probable, he
copied from Elijah's elegant and appoſite Ban-
ter on the Prophets and Worſhippers of Baal;
the Prophet chusing to expoſe the imaginary
Divinity of their Idol by Gibe and Irony, ra-
ther than dry Reaſoning and grave Argument.

And if we look into the Writings of ſome
illuſtrious Moderns, we ſhall find inimitable
Examples of polite Gibing, and that they ex-
ceed and diſtance the Antients by a happy Pro-
ficiency in this Art, as much as they do the
Moderns in ſome other Branches of Wit and
Learning; and that they have raiſed to them-
felves Monuments of immortal Fame, by the
profound Erudition, Elegance, Humour and
Morality of their Compoſitions. Among ma-
ny that I have heard and read, and deferve the
Applause of English as well as Irish Growth,
I cannot here but do Justice to a late celebrated
Discourse, wherein the Author in a new and
ſurprisſing Manner, Gibed all Orders and De-
grees of Men, the Nobility and Gentry, the
Clergy and Long Robe, the Ladies and their
Admirers, to the great Edification and Enter-
tainment of the Audience; and acted well a

Religious

8 An ESSAY

Religious Comedy not in the least infidelent
with the Sacredness of the Place, Gravity of
the Subject, and Dignity of his Character.

Secuit Urbem & Genuinum fregit in illis.

Nor must the ludicrous Papers either in Verse
or Prose born last Spring be forgotten, being
the legitimate Issue of very learned Doctors,
in which a rich Vein of Sprightly Invention, a
Sense of Religion and good Manners, clear
Reasoning, and correct Writing are so confi-
cuous in every Period, and shine in every
Couplet, that the most squeamish Hypercritick
has not yet discovered in them the least Allay
of Dulnes, Scurrility, Irreligion, or Pedantry.
For they were written with a Design of propa-
gating Religious Sentiments in this degenerate
Age, and the Authors contrived that some Mo-
ral should lie couched in their Apologues,
Truth in their Fictions, and useful Lessons of
Instruction in their Gibes.

And they have furnished such a favory En-
tertainment to the Academy of Humorists, e-
rected here since the Death of the Queen, that
they have ordered their Secretary to lodge Co-
pies of these valuable Pieces in their publick
Library for the Good of Potterity, and to give
Thanks to those worthy Gibemongers, who
have contributed to the carrying on of this
gay Humour, and improved and made easy the
Mystery of Gibing, and particularly to their Se-
conds, who have obliged the Town with ela-
borate Differtations and finished Poems, as Epi-
fodes, to enliven the Readers of this Contro-
verry, that they might digest the Crudities, and
cherish the Poetick Abortions of the teeming
Disputants.

And

On GIBING.

9

And here I cannot but observe; tho' I do it with the utmost Reluctance, because it throws the Stain and Reproach of Dulneſs on the Whig-Writers of this Country *, who are only remarkable for an indefatigable Industry in composing and publishing Moral, Caſuistical, and Theological Tracts; that these momentous Lucubrations of Wit and Humour, are the genuine Works, the inestimable Product of the Learning and Leisure, the Prudence, Piety, and Christian Graces of the reputed true Sons of our most holy Church ſtaunch OrthODOX TORIES. Which convinces me, that they are true Descendants of the ancient Genus imitabile Vatum, have as much light, dry, and combustible Particles in their Composition, as their waſpifh Anceſtors; and like them kindle and flame, and rage upon the least Stirring and Provocation; thus ill-conditioned Hirelings, when disciplined for tripping with Whip and Spur, winch, and kick, and ſneer, and ſnivel, and beſpatter all about them.

— For some Folks Tempers ſuit,
Like Bawd and Brandy with Dispute.

But the Publick will reap this Advantage from this important Squabble; that these Poetical Squibs thrown about the Streets, with the Real or Romantick Names at their Tails; like certain Mathematical Inſtruments called Rattles, invented by Archytas the Philofopher, to divert Children from playing with edged Tools, amuse the Town, and ſpend the Ammunition of these volatile Gentlemen, which without this Conſumption would flame out to the infinite

* Ireland.

Difturbance

10 An E S S A Y

Disturbance of the common Wealth in factious Pamphlets, State Libels, or Tomes of Religious and Political Controversy.

Having explained the Nature and Philosophy of Gibing, and demonstrated its Usefulness for the Reformation of Manners; I shall in the sequel of this Discourse make some Observations for its Improvement.

I am of Opinion, that the real Parent of this valuable Accomplishment is a plentiful Table; for Solomon says, *A Feast is for Laughter, and Wine for Merriment*; for good Eating and Drinking begets good Humour, and has a natural Efficacy to promote Chearfulness; it dilates the Heart, opens the Countenance, gives Richness and Activity to the Animal Spirits, enlarges their Quantity, and spreads a Face of Gladness and Exultation over the whole Company: With this the Learned and Ignorant, the Airy and Dull, the Philosopher and Buffoon, the Giber and Gibed are at once affected, their Souls filled with gay Ideas, and turned to Wit and Humour; Men at that Season are leaft captious and freeft from Resentments, and ill Humour, would appear as Preposterous, as an affected Negligence of Drels. Can a Man be morose, or ill natured, that has his Belly-full of Beef, or dull that-his Spirits raised and invigorated with Claret and good Company? I take a good Entertainment to be the long fought for universal Menstrum of the Chymists, that by its surprizing Qualities absorbs the Particles of Spleen, Malice, and ill Nature, that are the Growth of Human Constitutions, changes Peevishnefs into Affability, Passion into Patience, and works Resentments into Reconciliations.

And

On GIBING.

II

And if any seeming Uneasiness be discovered
at the Freedom of a Giber, the Company grows
merry at the Expence of the Gibed, the higher
the Resentment, the greater is the Diversion,
the Laugh and the Wits, or as the French call
them from their Occupation, the Laughers are
against them, and the Gibe received with Ho-
nour and Applause for its Propriety, Elegance,
and Mordacity.

The vast Inundation of Humour, that flows
upon such Occasions, hurries the Company in-
to Transports, and oversets their Gaiety, a Si-
lence, and a dead Calm enfues such Guilt of
Merriment: But it is such a Depression and
Ducking of the Spirits for some Merriments,
that makes them rife again with greater Force,
Vigour and Elasticity, and like a momentary
Stupefaction of the Passions, gives Men a dou-
ble Relish for their Subsequent Gratifications.

An ingenious Naturalift of this City, but a
great Admirer of the Modern Refinements of
the Epicurean System, and unhappily prepo-
fessed with a Notion, which the Practice of
the Age has rivetted in his Mind, that Gentle-
men came into this World only for their Di-
version, that their Busineſs in it, is to eat and
drink, and droll, and laugh, and ſpin out their
Days in a Circle of humorous Amusements,
immoral Senſuality, and everlaſting Idlenefs,
has with great Expence contrived an Alteſimo-
meter to be placed in the Dining-rooms of all
Men of Fortune, by which, diſtant Friends in
feveral Parts of this Kingdom, or in any Part
of Europe, with a little Variation of the Index,
may know their mutual Felicities from the Na-
ture of their Entertainments. He having Ma-
thematically demonstrated, that good Humour
and

12 An ESSAY

and Facetiousneſs holds an exact Proportion,
and regularly riles, or falls according to the
Elegance or Rusticity of the Dishes, the Plenty
or Scarcity of Bottles, Variety of neat or adul-
terated Liquors, the Freedom or Formality,
the Warmth or Coldneſs of the Reception,
which will be of ſingular Use to every Gibing
Society, and heighten their Jollities like Petro-
nius's Image at Trimalchio's Banquet; for it is
but looking on this Instrument, and calcula-
ting the Festivities of their diſtant Friends, when
their Mirth is run down, and Humour at low
Ebb, and they will immediately raiſe in them-
felves a noble Spirit of Emulation, embrace
the firſt trifling Incident or Harlequinade, that
occurs to ſtart a Laugh, and purſue the warm
Scent with ſuch Alacrity, till the whole Com-
pany flames into inextinguishable Transports of
Merriment.

Now whether this dextrous and versatile
Tribe of Men gild their Gibes with artful Pa-
negyricks, play them off in apposite Tales, or
in a mimick Alteration of the Lines of the
Face, a humorous Dispoſition of the Eyes and
Eye-brows, and ſcenical Motions of the Body,
that the Humour may, if poſſible, be expreſſed
by Action, it is the received Opinion that no
Exceptions are to be taken, the Gibes muſt
dye, as soon as born, be only heard, ſeen, ad-
mired, and forgotten, and paſs off with a Laugh,
like Water thro' a Conduit, without infusing
any Tincture of Spleen, or ill Nature into the
Persons gibed.

But this I take to be a Mistake, and a fatal
Obstacle to the Improvement of Gibing ; for a
tenacious local Memory is neceſsary to the car-
rying on this important Manufacture, it is the
Store-

On GIBING.

13

Storehouse, in which are collected, and laid
up all the Materials of this precious Ware,
which are afterwards disposed, and retailed to
the best Advantage at set or casual Entertain-
ments; a Lawyer may as well want his Pre-
cedents, a Parson his Common-Place Book,
as a *Giber* his Memory; for without a Recol-
lection of former humorous Incidents, Blun-
ders, and Absurdities, his Mirth and Facetiou-
nes will be as low, as the Humour of extem-
porary Harrangues; so that *Gibes* must be laid
up in the Memory, as the common Repository
of Humour, and drawn out as Occasions offer,
and preserved like Neft Eggs to set the Com-
pany a cackling and hatching again, and if the
retentive Faculty should happen to be over-
flocked with Materials, the superfluous Hu-
mour may be discharged in Satirical Diaries on
the Eating, Drinking, Drels, Equipage, Dis-
positions and Studies of our Club, or Journals
of the Conversation and Politicks of the *Pater
Discubitus*, the Conduct of a Lady, her Airs,
Vapours, fond Fits, and partial Civilities, for
the Diversion of this gay Metropolis, and I
humbly advise all *Gibe-Jobbers* to take due
Pains to cultivate their Memories by Art and
Exercise, and that they would keep the Traces
of old *Gibes* fresh in their Minds, like Pictures
in Oyl Colours, which they may do by thick-
ning the glutinous Contexture of the Brain, and
moistening the dry Temperament, the Founda-
tion of a found Understanding, to which they
have no Pretence, Wit being inconsistent with
Wisdom: By this means they will never want
a Fund of *Gibes*, and the barren Fellows will
have the Honour of being Fathers of an hu-
morous Offspring, which will be speedily mid-

VOL. II.

C

wifed

14

An ESSAY

wifed into the World with all the Tokens of
Maturity, by such worthy Operators, as Pride,
Peevishnefs, Malice, and Retaliation, and the
Town be diverted with Variety of premeditated
Gibes, both in Profe and Verfe, printed and
written during the present Stagnation of Wit
and Learning.

As sumptuous Living promotes, so an intense
Application to Books and Study destroys this
facetious Dispofition; for it exhales and con-
fumes the Animal Spirits, makes Men melan-
cholly and modifh, infpid, and unfociable Com-
panions, and transtorms the merriest Wits into
the greatest Coxcombs. The Fire and Flame
of their bright Parts, like the Lamps they read
by, gradually lessening, till it sinks into the
Socket of Dulnefs and Stupidity, and at laft
with what are they rewarded for their Morn-
ing and Midnight Lucubrations, and a tedious
Course of Pumping? Why truly, with a crazy
Body, a cloudy Understanding, and an unpolifh-
ed Behaviour; and I could produce Inflances of
old Academicks, but young Doctors of my
Acquaintance, who by leading fludious and fo-
litary Lives, and being too converfant with
Books and Scholar-craft, herding so much with
the Dead, and so little with the Living, have
contracted such an Habit of Reservednefs, For-
mality and Rusticity, that they never have been
able to shake it off by the Advantages of Tra-
vel, Knowledge of Courts, and free Converfe
in the World, and acquire the un Air Degagée
of well mannered Gentlemen; but carry with
them in spite of Art and Affectation a visible
Sheepishnefs in their Looks, Words, Actions
and Addrefs, and cannot, tho' willing, give in-
to the Humours, Elegancies, and Festivities of
Converfation.
Besides

On GIBING.

15

Besides the Modern Race of Gibers, perhaps the most Learned of any Age or Nation, are not very remarkable for a vast Stock of profound Erudition, an indefatigable Perusal of ancient Authors, nor set up for the distinguished Coryphæus's of solid and substantial Knowledge. The Fountain of Learning being situated on the Summit of a high Mountain of a long and laborious Ascent, these merry Gentlemen content themselves with playing and sporting at the Bottom, and catching some falling Streams at a distance, mudded by the Variety of Canals, and different Soils, thro' which they pass without being at the Expence of Time, Money and Sweat, that is necessary for climing the Top, and quenching their Thirst after Science, with the clear unpoluted Waters of the Original Source.

But if Books are to be read for the Acquisition of Gibing Lucian, Rabelais and Don of Mancha are the Fathers, I would recommend to the Study of all, who would make a Figure, and shine in humorous Conversation, or Writing, that they may, if possible, make themselves Masters of the rich Vein of Ridicule, that runs thro' those matchless, and inimitable Compositions. Otherwise a superficial Acquaintance with Books, Title Pages and Indexes, without dry and tedious Researches thro' their Inflides, is a sufficient Foundation for a Man to become a Professor of this Science; if the vivida vis animi, and Seeds of Gibing be inbred, and the Growth of his Constitution, for it is an Original Gift of Nature by which Men are mechanically, and irrefittably disposed to a particular humorous Way of thinking, speaking, acting, and which can never be attained by the

C 2

the

16 An ESSAY

the Drudgery of reading, Multiplicity of thinking, or flavish Art of Imitation.

And we may without much *Metaphysicks* distinguish the nice and delicate Touches of refined Raillery, from the course and clumsy Gafhes of ruſtick Scurrility, the ingenious Gibber from the inſipid Jeſter, and the natural Humorift from the affected Buffoon. The meaneſt Giber of loweſt Humour can apply the Terms of Punch and Pig, and Parrot and Spaniel to Persons poſſeſed of thofe Qualities in an eminent Degree; but to draw the Pictures of Buffoons, Pets, Pedants and Trencher-Gueſts in ſuch juſt Proportions, and place them in a Light ſo clear, that they may be known at once, without ſuch groſs Appellations, and the World be able to decipher them by Intuition from their Features, Colouring, and Reſemblance of the Originals, is the Eſſence and Perſection of refined Gibing. Men of Senſe are delighted, and the Ridiculous reformed with ſuch pleasing Stričtures, and the Smart of the Operation paffes unperceived, whileſt our Thoughts are entertained with the Wit, Humour, and Politenefs of the Gibes.

The *Romijb* Caſuils are of Opinion, that this ludicrous Humour is a ſure Note of hereatical Pravity, becauſe it is the Property and Poſſeffion of Wits; and the Wits of all Countries are generally ſuppoſed to have a warm Side to Atheiſm for making free with Saints and Shrines, Reliets and Indulgences, andridiculig the conſecrated Trumperies of their idolatrous Warehouses. But the reformed System-Makers carry not this Point ſo far, but allow the Uſe of a limited *Gibing*, and a moderate Run of Humour, have ſettled its Extent, and ſpeci-

On GIBING.

17

specified the Cafes that are to be exempted from the Sport of facetious Tongues; it is true, they have leffened the *Lætitiaæ Materia* by the Striçneſs of their Definitions, and drawn the Circle of ludicrous Humour with a ſmall Circumference; yet they have left Subjects of Deriſion enough for the gifted that Way, to exercife their Talents on for Entertainment and Inſtruction.

But Men of Latitude and an extended Way of thinking, are not contented to walk in Leading-Strings, and be fettered with the Inſtitutions and Trammels of Morality-Writers; for any Confinement of their Thoughts, Words, or Actions, is as disagreeable as a Jay! to their Bodies, and they think it an Infringement of their natural Rights, and a checking the Spirit of Philosophical Liberty to be debarred from exercising their Tongue, and Pens on all Subjects.

Now that their Conduct may be conformable to this Principle; they have demolished the ſcholaſtick Enclosures, and hewed down so wide a Gap, that all manner of Gibes may paſs and repaſs unconfined by any Obstacles from Religion and Morality. For if Things, and Perſons Dignities and Functions of a laſcred and ſerious Nature, and all wife, and worthy, and virtuous Actions are to be exempted from the Pleaſantries of Humour, Wit and Raillery, the gay World muſt bid Adieu to Merriment, and the Delicacies of Converſation. At what muſt the Arrows of the Gibing-Tribe be ſhot, when their common Butts are destroyed? The Chair of Humour muſt be deſerted, and Poſſession reſigned to the fell Enemies

C 3

mies

18 An ESSAY

mies of Mirth and Gaiety, sober Sadneſs, and
stupid Gravity.

Besides, the corrupt Part of Mankind is more
strong and numerous, than the virtuous and
referved, and it is an easy Thing to let off
Gibes on Subjects of a sacred and serious Na-
ture, the placing them in ridiculous Lights, is
an Argument of found Senſe, and Penetration
with the Multitude, and Authors are sure to
meet with a due Reception, and Applause, for
their double Tincture of Atheism and Immora-
lity, and sweet Sprinklings of ſeditious and
treasonable Reflections, otherwise the Wit and
Humour so plentifully ſown in Compoſitions
of this Kind would yield but a thin Crop of
Credit, and Contributions; Bookſellers would
loſe the Benefit of ſeveral Impreſſions, and
Printers be broke without Preſentments and
Proclamations.

It is commonly ſefferted, that Men of Hu-
mour who are given to Droll and Gibe, are
incapable of ſerious Buſineſs, and momentous
Diſquifitions: But the Experience of all Ages
paſt, as well as the preſent, proves the Falſity of
this Affertion, there are ſew Perſons recorded
in the Grecian or Roman Story for great Abili-
ties and Dexterity in the Arts of Government,
that did not at proper Seaſons ſink below their
Stations and Characters, condeſcend to be mer-
ty with the Ludibria Vita, and ſolace themselves
with the Wit and Felſivities of humorous Com-
panions, that they might recruit the Vigour of
their Spirits ſpent by a too intense Application
to State Affairs.

And whoever will be at the Pains to confult
the ſecond Book of Macrobius, will find a cu-
rious

On GIBING.

19

rious Collection of Gibes made by Emperors, Confuls, Senators, and Orators, which fort of humorous Wit he calls Literata Lætitia & Poeta Cavillation, the ingenious Mirth and learned Scoffing of great Men. And will the fowre and unsociable be so hardy as to infinuate that these Wits of Imperial and Senatorial Gravity, who filled the high Offices of State, were disqualified for serious Butinefs, because they let themselves down to Humour and Gibes? Muft a Man that wears a Fool's Cap an Evening, for his own and Companion's Diversion, lofe his Understanding, and commence Idiot his whole Life afterwards ? If Arguments drawn from Examples are conclusive, the Stream of Antiquity runs in the Favour of Gibers, and confutes the vulgar Opinion.

Nor do the great Men of this Age think it
inconfident with the Gravity of their Employ-
ments, or find in themselves any Indisposition
to discharge their Functions from sacrificing to
the Graces, and whetting their Genius with
Humour and Raillery; they exercise their own
Talents this Way in due Season and are the
Patrons and Promoters of it in others; who
pursue this Method of reforming the World,
whether by Writing or Conversation.

Were not the immortal Works of the hu-
morous Addison, who amidst the Hurry and Dif-
patch of Butinefs, found Leisure to gibe the
Follies of Men, and Levities of Women in a
Set of diurnal Lucubrations, read and approved
by all Orders and Degrees of Men? And did
they not divert, and amend the Age, whiſt
Tomes of Divinity, and Reams of Sermons
lay unregarded without Perusal, Influence and
Edification?

In

20

An E S S A Y

In the Reign of King James the I. the Spirit of Punning poſſed the Pulpit; and as Hiftory informs us, the Preachers had numerous Congregations, and the People went away pleafed and inſtructed; and if our refined Clergy could be prevailed upon to introduce an humorous Manner of expoſing Vice, and Gibing Errors and Immoralities with ludicious Argu- ments, we ſhould ſoon fee the bleſſed Effects of a ſpeedy Reformation, Numbers would be brought to Church, who ſaunter at Home, to hear ſuch Notes of our ſweet Singers, and ſwallow ſome Scruples of Conviction and Morality, when ſteeped in Humour and Irony. And if the Court and City were edified a Century ago with Strings of Puns in Sermons, the loweſt Species of Wit, what Improvement might we expect from the higheſt Flights of a ſpightly Invention; and the moſt elegant Humour and Poignancy that can be extracted from the Wit and Learning of Mankind interwoven and wrought up in the Inferences of Sermons, which might ſupply the Place of Politicks, eſpecially if delivered with a Muſical Pronunciation, proper Geſture, and ſuitable Action? Are not Dr. South's Sermons upon Divine and Religious Subjects full of Wit, Humour and Gibes? Are his Arguments inconſtitive, and his Motives to Perſuafion leſs evident, because they are placed in an humorous and diverting Light? And if I may after ſo great a Man mention Daniel Burgeſs of merry Memory, what Crowds have I ſeen attending his Preaching, hanging about the Doors and Windows of his Conventicle, when the Churches were thin and empty, lick up the Soul-ſaving Truths, he uttered in ſordid Drollery, and ridiculous Banter?

It

On GIBING.

21

It gives me no small Pleasure, that an adven-
turous Divine has attempted to preach in this
humorous Way, I congratulate him on the Fe-
licity of his Undertaking, and desire him only
to drop his Striçtures againſt the Government
and Miniftry, and turn the Edge of his Gibes
againſt the Corruptions of the Age, left the
Mighty entangle him in his Talk, and give him
the Honour of Martyrdom for blending Poli-
ticks with Divinity.

The bringing the Art of Gibing to Perfection,
is a Matter of ſuch Conſequence, and would
To further the Reformation of the Minds and
Morals of Mankind, that I humbly conceive,
it would not be unbecoming the Wifdom of
the Legiſlature to take it into their moſt ſerious
Conſideration, and contrive ſome Ways and
Means for its Encouragement. If a good Sa-
lary was appointed for the Endowment of a
new Professorſhip in the University, and a Per-
ſon of known Wit, Humour and Abilities
placed in the Chair, and obliged to read Lec-
tures on this Art, and print them by Subſcrip-
tion, and an annual Enquiry to be made into
the Diſpoſitions and Talents of under Gra-
duates, their Genius's tried with Exerciſes of
Gibing, and the good old Cuiſom of fresh-
ſpeeching revived Tripſes Prevaricators, and
Terræ Filiuſes encouraged, and an handsome
Reward to be given to the worthieſt Giber, and
moſt diſtinguifhed Humorift a rich Vein of Face-
tiouſneſs, and ludicious Humour would ſoon
run thro' the whole Body of the Nation; we
should recover this long loſt Virtue of our Ru-
nick Anceſtors, and have ready upon all Occa-
sions a compleat Race of Gibers of our own
Growth to grace the Court, Pulpit, Bar, and
Senate.

I only

THE

Praise of WOMEN.

A

DIALOGUE

BETWEEN

Philander and Urbanus.

URBANUS.

HAT the Inclination which
*Men* have for *Women*, and *Women* mutually for Men, was
planted in them by the wife Au-
thor of Nature is indisputable;
who having determined to con-
tinue and multiply Mankind by
their Concurrence, beſtowed Beauty and Allure-
ments on the Woman to invite the Inclinati-
ons of Man, and a Comelineſs on Man, to
engage Woman to forget her ſelf-Love, and
receive his Addreſſes with Complacency.

VOL. II.

D

Phil.

26 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

*Philander*. Whence then can proceed that
favage Aversion some Men bear to Women,
the Difficulties they find in themselves to ac-
cost them, and their Confusion when they are
obliged to be in Company with them?

*Urb.* I impute it to this; They have passed
their Days far from Women, and whenever
Decency or Duty calls them into their Compa-
ny, they are Stupid with Confusion; 'tis to
them a Terra incognita; the Behaviour, the
Discourse, every Thing they see and hear is
new to them, and quite different from what
they see and learn at the University; and even
the Things they know are treated of in so
genteel a Manner, that they have all the Diffi-
culty in the World to put in a Word; young
Gentlemen defpairing of acquiring this Polite-
nefs and Vivacity, conceive a Diftaſte againſt
the Company of Women, and ſo shaking off
the Conſtraints they are under, run where they
may be more at Liberty.

*Phil.* There is a great deal of Truth in
what you ſay; but what a terrible Conſequence
attends this Baſhfulness? How often do these
too timorous Blades fall into the Hands of
Debauchees, who railing againſt the Folly,
the Ingratitude, and Inconſtancy of Women,
and exagerating the vexatious Ceremonies of
their Company, confirm them in their Diftaſte?
They propoſe Merry-makings, and their Con-
verts are extreamly well pleafed to find them-
ſelves in Company where they enjoy an un-
controuled Freedom, and where Vice and Ex-
travagancy are extolled as the genuine Qualities
of a fine Gentleman. By this Licentiouſneſs,
Vice becomes a Habit, and they grow old in
Riot and Debauchery.

*Urb.*

The PRAISE of WOMEN. 27

Urb. Your Reasoning is so juſt, that I am
convinced the Company of *modest Women* is a
ſtrong Barrier against Vice, and inſtills virtuous
Principles into the Minds of Youth. The
frequenting of it cauſes an Averſion to, and
Contempt of the loose Part of the Sex. How
exquifitely delightful is the Converſation of a
beautiful ingenious Woman ! She ſays a thou-
ſand pretty Things, and in Words that seem
invented to expreſs her Sentiments. The De-
fire of being agreeable to a Lady of this Cha-
raſter, is ſufficient to create Virtue, at leaſt to
make us very careful to conceal our Vices or
Frailties, and ſhow our ſelves in the faireſt
Light.

*Phil.* If you were careleſs in your Behavi-
our, you would not go unpunſhed. An inge-
nious *Woman* will never fail to fatirize with-
out Mercy, thoſe indiſcreet *young Gentlemen*
who proclaim their Follies, and boaſt of their
Intrigues, Feaſts, and disorderly Revellings.
Such Reproaches wound deeply, becauſe they
cannot be returned with equal Delicacy of
Wit; moreover, a pert Spark who laughs at
ſacred Things, will liffen to a Woman, and is
rallied into a Love and Practice of Virtue; ano-
ther, and that no ſmall Advantage which ac-
crues to us from the Company of Women,
whofe Rank or Qualifications claim a Reſpect,
is this, We muſt not preſume to give the
Tongue an indecent Liberty, our Difcourſe
muſt be mild, elegant, and chafle; no Oaths,
nor obſcene Words muſt offenſ their Ears.
This Sort of Talk, tho' ſo brutiſh, through the
Licentiouſneſs of the Age, is become very com-
mon among Men who are Equals.

D 2

Urb.

28 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

Urb. Tho' you maintain that the Converſation of Women is so very advantageous, you cannot deny but that it is inconvenient, and even dangerous, and that a great deal of Circumſpection is required to keep your self on your Legs, for, as the Poet ſings,

Beauty like Ice our Footing does betray,
Who can tread sure on the smooth flipp'ry Way?
Pleas'd with the Passage we slide swiftly on,
And see the Dangers which we cannot shun. *

What false Steps, what Enormities have not
Men been guilty of through a blind Obedience
to a Woman's Will! How many unfortunate
Wretches could I name, whose flourishing
Conditions have been blighted by Women? The
Monarch's Crown has fallen from his Head;
the Hero's Laurels have faded; glorious Cities
have been laid in Ashes; the World has often
been a Scene of Blood, and all the ſeſe Miseries
have Sprung from Woman. Every one has not
an Empire to lose with Mark Anthony, for it
it certain that his Ruin was effected by his Fa-
vourite Cleopatra.

Phil. I am of your Opinion that the Com-
pany of Women is very dangerous to one who
cannot restrain his Appetites within the Limits
of Reason and Virtue, but overlooking all the
terrible Consequences, with Eagerness and Plea-
fure, submits himself implicitly, and complies
with every whimsical Freak. We must fortify
our Minds so, as to be able to converse with
Women, without being Slaves to their Vani-
ty. The Instances you mention show that there

* Dryden.

are

The PRAISE of WOMEN.

29

are Men of weak Faculties, in whose Breasts
the Passion of Love reigns with uncontrouled
Violence. The Fate of Mark Anthony was en-
tirely owing to his own Indiscretion, Cleopatra
was not to be blamed. Julius Caesar was paffi-
onately enamoured with the fame Queen, ne-
verthelefs he gained his Point, and made him-
felf Mafter of the Roman Empire. His Love
did not extinguifh all other Views, nor leffen
his Courage, Vigilance, and Capacity, but with
the fame artful refolute Spirit, he made his Par-
ties in the Senate, he commenced and carried
on his Intriques with the Roman Ladies.

Urb. At leaft you muſt grant, that the Time
we beſtow in the Company of Women is very
idly thrown away ; and it is a Rock which a Man
who is devoted to Study ought carefully to avoid :
For, he will not only mifs the Improvement
he expects, but his happy Inclinations will be
perverted, and he will find himſelf wholly given
up to the Weakneſs of childiſh Love and
Gaiety.

Phil. How, not get any Improvement! If
you talk of a Pedant who crams his Brain with
Greek and Latin Sentences, Metaphyſical Di-
stinctions, and a Logical Jargon, only to con-
found the ignorant, I readily agree with you.
But a Man whose good Senſe leads him to em-
belliſh his Mind with genteel Studies, will make
a greater Proficiency therein by frequenting
the Company of ingenious polite Women, than
by poring over all the Books that were ever
printed. He will acquire a fluent Diſcription, and a
graceful Manner of Expreſſion, without which,
Knowledge is defplicable, or at leaſt loſes very
much of its Worth and Beauty; for what does
it avail to have the Memory loaded with an

D 3

undigested

30 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

undigested Heap of Notions, if they are irre-
ularly and in-elegantly displayed ? The Dif-
course of a learned Man is infipid without
these Talents, and he who totally sequesters
himself from the Company of Women, will
never attain them. The Style, Gefture, Air,
Delivery, and other Graces of Converfation,
are not to be acquired in a Library. To ſpeak
pertinently and politely, to praeſe what another
blames, and to blame what another praeſes,
without ſeeming fractious or poſitive, and to
discern true Literature from Pedantry, I ſay,
these Qualifications are better learned over a
Tea-Table, than at a University. Women ſur-
pafs Men in the Judgment of fine Thoughts
and ſuitable Expreſſions, their Taſte is more
delicate, and for the Art of Pleasing, which
every one who would endear himſelf to Man-
kind ought to be verſed in, we muſt attend to
their Inſtructions, and imitate their Behaviour.
The Reſpect which we pay to the fair Sex
civilizes the Soul, and gives a Habit of Com-
plaſance. Men are free with one another,
and talk without Ceremony or Reſerve. When
they are about Buſineſs, or defending their pri-
vate Opinions, they grow angry, and make Uſe
of Oaths and harſh Words, which they dare
not before Women, for the Reſpect paid to
them controuls Anger and Obſtinacy, accuſ-
toms us to yield and inſtils a Gentlenets of
Temper, which is the moſt amiable Branch of
Politenefs.

Urb. There is indeed in the Soul of Man,
a natural Desire to be in the good Graces of
Women of Senſe and Beauty. This Desire in-
grosses all our Care, and lets our Wits at
Work; we try every Method to ſucceed, aſ-

ſume

The PRAISE of WOMEN. 31

fume so many different Shapes, and vary our
Behaviour so often, that at length we com-
pals what we so ardently wifhed for. The Ele-
gance and Perſpicuity of their Style, together
with the muſical Sweetneſs of their Voice,
render the Converſation of Women extreamly
agreeable and improving. The pretty Terms
they make Use of to expreſs themſelves, make
even Trifles ſeem elegant. They are the ſove-
raign Umpires of Words, in their Aſſemblées
many new Phraſes are introduced, and by their
Authority are either outlawed or admitted.

Phil. What you have ſaid, entirely over throws
that ill-mannered Prejudice which keeps Men
of Learning and Virtue from the Company of
Women, as being the greatest Impediment to
their Deſigns, and the School of Ignorance
and Vice. The better to illustrate this, let us
compare two Men of equal and eminent Learn-
ing, one whereof has confined himſelf wholly
to his Library, and is only acquainted with
Books. The other, who with his Studies has
mixed the Converſation of polite Perſons,
which never fails to eradicate from the Mind
the Clownſtneſs, Obſtinacy, and Moroſeneſs
of the Schools. A Man who has seen Wo-
men only as it were in Perſpective, if he is but
an ordinary Genius, ſeems ſtupid when he is
obliged to converse with them, his Baſhfulneſs
difturbs his Thoughts, and ties up his Tongue;
in his Looks, Geſture, and every Part of his
Behaviour, he is the very Picture of an Idiot,
and tho' he were otherwife a Man really of
excellent Endowments, yet being a Novice
in this Scene of Life, and unacquainted with
the Humours, Laws, and Cuſtoms of the Fe-
male-World, will appear, as we ſay, but a meer

Hum-drum

32 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

*Hum-drum.* If Learning be his chief Talent,
he is only a Pedant; when he speaks, it is with
so much Confusion, that he seems a Stranger
in his own Country; and if he undertakes to
show his good Breeding by Compliments, no-
thing can be more starched and infupid, nay,
very often he says quite the Reverse of what
he intended. If the Discourse be on Topicks,
which he never read of in his Books, tho' they
require no great Depth of Understanding, he
is instantly struck silent, and dares not join in
a Conversation where Persons of but indiffe-
rent Learning, by their Knowledge of the
World, shall make a very agreeable Figure;
nor can his lumpish Mafs relish the Wit and
spightly Turns of the rest of the Company.

*Urb.* But then he severely revenges himself,
if you start a Subject which comes within the
Sphere of his Knowledge. What an Inunda-
tion of Pedantry follows! He runs over all
the Greek and Roman Authors, is bewildered
even in his own Thoughts, and grows unin-
telligible both to his Auditors and to himself.
He disputes, and pragmatically afferts, the con-
trary to what another says, purely to show his
Learning and Sophility. If he is plied with
Arguments which put him to a Stand, like a
meer Scholar, he has Recourse to foul Lan-
guage, and every Body who differs from him
is a Fool and an Ignoramus. This imperti-
nent Way of showing his Parts, renders him
more disagreeable than his awkward Silence,
tho' the poor vain Creature thinks it gains
him Admiration. 'Tis the Characteristick of
Fellows of Colleges, Students, or Scholars of
what Degree and Age soever, whose Univer-
sity Ruft has not been filed off, till they have
received

The PRAISE of WOMEN. 33

received the Polishing of a Converse among the Ladies, and are let into the Secrets of the Beau-Monde; till this lucky Æra they can neither ſpeak nor be silent with Discretion; they are a Medley of Self-conceit, Sheepishneſs, Pedantry, and Obſtinacy, their whole Behaviour ſhows them to be a Herd of clownish Blunderbuffes: But polite Scholars, who after they have ſinſhed the Courſe of their Studies, frequent the Asſemblées, ſoon acquire a genial Deportment. Their Countenance chears up, their Looks are gay and ſerene, and their Carriage graceful and engaging. When they ſpeak 'tis with Eafe and Elegance. They unfold the moſt abſtruse and intricate Subjeſt in a Manner so clear and confpicuous, that even Nature her ſelf ſeems to ſpeak with their Tongue. Nay, there is ſomething ingenious in the *Silence* of a *polite Scholar*; he liftens with an Air that tells us he is Maſter of the Discourse, and his Wit and Penetration are plainly to be obſerved in his very Countenance and Attention.

*Phil.* But among their many other Defects, what is moſt offensive to me, in those who are *Scholars* by *Profession*, and which makes me ſhun them as unfociable Creatures, is their violent Fondneſs of their own Notions, together with their bitter Hatred and insolent Contempt of those who in the leaſt differ from them. Nor have they any Respect to Persons, but load their Antagoniſts with the moſt opprobrious Names, and pronounce Sentence of Damnation against them promiſcuouſly. Yet, those very Men, when they have acquired any Knowledge of the World, ſoon become tractable, and improve upon all Accounts. Their nar-

row

34 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

row uncharitable Way of Thinking is enlarged,
they will not then positively affirm, that a Man
for being mistaken in this World, shall be
damned in the next. They begin to alledge
Reasons in Defence of their Sentiments with
Deference to the rest of the Company, and
when they prosecute any Argument, it is rather
to keep up an instructive Conversation, than
out of a Spirit of Contradiction. Their Be-
haviour is so decent and graceful, that they gain
the Esteem and Applause of all, even of those
who are of contrary Principles.

Urb. I know partly by Experience, that such
agreeable Qualifications are only to be acquired
in the Company of polite Persons, more par-
ticularly ingenious Women, by whom we are
taught how to speak, and when to be silent.
For tho' the Learning of the Ladies, is,
generally not very deep, yet their Tangle is ex-
quisitely delicate. Whatever is easy, natural,
witty, and judicious pleases them, and they
immediately show a Disgust for whatever is
obscure, unnatural, insipid, or impertinent.

*Phil.* What Answer can you make to the
common Objection against these polite Female-
Assemblées? That they effeminate the Mind, de-
priving it of its natural Courage and Resolu-
tion?

Urb. This Objection is certainly the most
ill-grounded that ever was raised; for the
Ladies have a natural Aversion to Cowards,
and Men of puillanimous Spirits. Though a
Man be endowed with every Virtue and ami-
able Quality, let him be learned, wife, cour-
teous, generous and just, if he is not brave,
all his Excellencies will be overlooked, and he
will never be esteemed by a Woman of Merit.

As

The PRAISE of WOMEN. 35

As Courage is a Virtue, which, perhaps for
the better Oeconomy of the World, Nature
has not beftowed on them, and which does not
belong to their tender Frame, they endeavour
to make all poſſible Amends by their extreme
Love and Admiration of that Person who poſ-
ſesses it in any eminent Degree. The Praise of
a WOMAN of Worth quickens the Courage of
a MAN of true Honour. Incited by a Thirst
of Glory, and an ardent Desire of rivetting
himſelf in the Eſteem of the Lady for whom
he entertains an affectionate Paſſion, no Dan-
gers can deter him, no Attempt is too difficult,
his Exploits will appear Prodigies. This De-
fire of pleasing, is attended with another very
good Effect, it purifies the Courage of a Sol-
dier from its Droſs of Cruelty; for the many
ſevere Hoftilities, Slaughters, and Devaſtations
committed in War, will harden the Mind, and
produce wild and inhuman Inclinations, unleſs
after the Tumults and Horrors of a Cam-
paign are over, he frequents the Aſſembliées of
Ladies; he will there forget his martial Fera-
city, and imbibe Pity, Gentlenefs, and other
tender Virtues which are not in the laſt incon-
filtent with Courage, but add a great Beauty to
it. A PRINCESS of the laſt Age, renowned
for her Learning, Wit, and good Senſe, uſed
to ſay, I have but a small Eſteem for a meer
Man of Courage, for his Company is dangerous and
troublesome, and his Discourse vulgar and pro-
fane. Such Men ſhould reſerve their Swords for
the Enemies of their Country, and not draw them
for every Trifle upon a Fellow-Citizen. It is a
common Weakneſs in Military Gentlemen, to
be always talking of Battles, Storms, and Sie-
ges, wherein themselves have acted a confide-
rable

36 The PRAISE of WOMEN.

rable Part. When they talk of War, let it be
with Modesty and Discretion; they must not
draw up an Army in Battle-Array, nor give a
particular Account of every Regiment and Squa-
dron that engaged, but above all, let them con-
ceal their own Exploits, at least not attribute
to themselves Actions which they had never
Courage enough to perform, for this vain Boast-
ing lessens Men in the Opinion of the World,
and ruins that Reputation which it was inven-
ed to raise. The *Affaires of Ladies* are like
so many Schools of Virtue and Politeness,
wherein the *Gentlemen* of the Army may learn
many Things which cannot be attained in the
Camp. From what has been said on this Sub-
ject, I think, dear Philander, we may surely
conclude, that the Company of virtuous, po-
lite, ingenious Women is so very far from being
prejudicial to Young Men, that it is highly bene-
ficial to them. It restrains them from Riot
and Debauchery, polishes their Faculties, in-
spires both good Manners and good Morals,
and eradicates out of the Mind every enormous
Vice, taking away Moralenefs and Obliquity
from Learning, and Cruelty and Brutality from
Courage. For as the Poet justly sings,

In vain are muſt Morals taught in Schools,
By rigid Teachers, and as rigid Rules,
Where Virtue with a frowning Aspect stands,
And frights the Pupil from its rough Commands.
But charming Woman can true Converts make
We love the Precepts for the Teacher's Sake.
Virtue in them appears ſo bright ſo gay,
We hear with Transport, and with Pride obey.

As

The PRAISE of WOMEN. 37

As for those wretched Creatures who have
cast away the Robe of Chastity, and are the
Shame of their own Sex, and often the De-
struction of ours, I recommend to all young
Men the Advice of Acafto to his Sons in the
Orphan.

Beware the dangerous Beauty of the Wanton,
Shun their Enticements. Ruin like a Vulture
Waits on their Conquests. Falshood too's their
Busineſs,

They put false Beauty off to all the World.
Use false Endearments to the Fools that love
them.

And when they marry, to their filly Husbands
They bring false Virtue, broken Fame, and For-
tune.

VOL. II.

E

AN

42 *An* ESSAY on MARRIAGE.

This were enough to deter every considerate
Person from presuming to find Fault, at least
from proposing any Amendment of what he
thinks amifs; since 'tis more than proba-
ble his well-intended Labours will not meet
with their deferved Succes. And this perhaps
may be the Cafe, where one Man shall con-
ceitedly think himfelf wiser than all the reft,
and Dictator like, impofe his own private Opi-
nion as the Rule and Standard of all other
Men's Thoughts and Actions. But where the
Grievance is very great, and the Complaint
univerfal, where every one suffers, or is in
Danger of it, and would willingly be relieved,
fure one need not fear humbly to propofe
Ways and Means for a Redrefs.

And let every Man judge for himfelf wher
ther there be not fomething in Matrimony, the
moft important Concern of Life, very much
amifs, fomething that yet calls for a Reforma-
tion.

For how frequent are the unfortunate
Matches, how rare the happy ? The lond
Complaints which in all Places refound
from the Houses of the married, or the more
foft (but more pathetick) Whispers unloaded
into the Bosom of some compaffionate Friend,
do sufficiently teftify, that of thofe who fail
into this dangerous Ocean, very few make a
lucky Voyage, very many sink under their in-
supportable Misfortunes, and almost all have
more Reafon to repent than rejoyce at their
Adventure. The repeated Quarrels, and Brawls,
and Contentions among the Vulgar, the too
common Diflike, Reſentment, and Difcord
among thofe of a higher Rank, and the many
ignominious Separations, and ſcandalous Di-

vorces

An ESSAY on MARRIAGE. 43

vorces among all Sorts, confirm the Observa-
tion, and render Marriage in the general Opi-
nion of Mankind, as the French term it, Un
grand Mal. Even among thofe, who break not
out into open Broils, but carry it fair enough
outwardly with a good Face upon the Matter,
how is the matrimonial Contract invaded, if
not violated, by little Jars and Animofities,
by fullen and peevish, or haughty and domi-
neering Behaviour towards each other? The
Tyranny of the Husband, and the Rebellion of
the Wife are alternately inveighed againſt with
equal Violence and Juitce, and where both
Parties complain, and both are in Fault, it
gives the World Occafion to think that Sir
Thomas Moor had good reaſon to compare
Marriage to a Bag of Snakes with one Eel
among them, where, tho' you catch never ſo
cautiously at the Eel, 'tis twenty to one but
you are ſtung by a Snake, and that there is ſo
much Gall ſucceeds the Honey-Moon, as
makes the Cup ſo nausrous after the firſt
Draught, that both Parties are quite ſick of
their Condition, and not half ſo eager to tye
the Gordian Knot at firſt, as now (if 'twere
poffible) to undo it again. Hence the ſacred
Inſtitution is burlesqued and derided by Liber-
tines, and Wedlock is become as much a Jefl
as Love; 'tis enter'd upon blindfold, and with-
out Consideration, by the rafh and ſhort-fighted,
but with Fear and fore-boding Apprehensions
by thofe who can take above one Month's
Prospect into their View, and is generally at-
tended with ſuch unhappy Conſequences as
imbitter all the Comforts of Life, and make
the Yoak severely gall the Necks of thofe who
have undertaken to bear it. This Difeafe is
grown