SIZE OF YOUR STAFF WHEN YOUR CHIEF AIDES ARE CARL ALBERT, BRYCE HARLOW, JACK VALENTI, AND JOHN TOWER. THIS HAS THE ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE THAT THEY WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LOOK UP TO ME.

NOW TO THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO WILL HELP ME IMPLEMENT MY PROGRAM.

I WILL DRAW ON THE ADVICE OF ALL THE EXPERIENCED MEN WHO HAVE HELD THIS HIGH OFFICE. JASON ROBARDS HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME SOME GREAT TIPS.

I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP BOB STRAUSS IN HIS PRESENT POSITION AS CHIEF OF STAFF, PROVIDED THE CIA AGREES TO KEEP HIS COVER AS INTERNATIONAL TRADE NEGOTIATOR.

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT BOB STRAUSS WILL HAVE TO GO; I CAN'T THINK OF A PRECEDENT FOR HAVING A WEALTHY TEXAS DEMOCRAT DEALING WITH TRADE AND FINANCE IN A REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION.

NEXT I WILL NEED A CONGRESSIONAL LIAISON OFFICER: HE
MUST BE A MAN INTIMATELY CONVERSANT WITH THE WAYS OF
WASHINGTON, HAVE A KEEN KNOWLEDGE OF HOW CONGRESS OPERATES
AND LONG EXPERIENCE IN GAINING CONGRESSIONAL CONFIDENCE.
I WILL NOMINATE TONGSUN PARK FOR THAT OFFICE.

IT IS TOO BAD TO SEE HAMILTON JORDAN AND JODY POWELL
LEAVE JUST AS THEY WERE LEARNING THEIR WAY AROUND WASHINGTON.
ONLY YESTERDAY JODY TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE ENJOYED WORKING AT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA STREET.

AND HAMILTON DESERVES TO BE DEFENDED AGAINST SOME
RECENT PRESS INSINUATIONS. ANYONE WHO APPRECIATES THAT
THERE IS SIGNIFICANCE IN ARCHITECTURAL MONUMENTS BEYOND
BRICKS AND MORTAR CANNOT BE ALL BAD.

AS FOR MY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, HE MUST BE ABLE
TO PRONOUNCE TECHNETRONIC, TRILATERAL, CONCENTRIC CIRCLES,
AND PROXY WARS, PREFERABLY WITH AN ACCENT.

-22-

HIS FIRST ASSIGNMENT WILL BE TO PLAN A FOREIGN TRIP FOR ME SYMBOLIZING THAT MY FOREIGN POLICY IS TRULY GLOBAL. THIS OBVIOUSLY REQUIRES STOPOVERS IN TAHITI, BALI, ACAPULCO, AND A VISIT TO THE HISTORIC BEACHES OF THE FRENCH RIVIERA.

ACTUALLY, PRESIDENT CARTER'S FIRST WORLD TRIP WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL. SOME CONFUSION OCCURRED WHEN PRESS STORIES FROM WARSAW QUOTED ZBIG'S BACKGROUNDER AS COMING FROM A SENIOR POLISH OFFICIAL. JODY POWELL STRAIGHTENED IT OUT BY DENYING THAT ZBIG WAS ALL THAT SENIOR.

BY THE TIME PRESIDENT CARTER GOT TO BRUSSELS SOMEBODY HEARD HIM ASK WHETHER THIS STOP WAS SYMBOLIC OR SUBSTANTIVE. ZBIG GAVE HIM AN ANSWER THAT WAS EXTREMELY COLD AND BLUNT.

AS FOR THE UN, IT IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ANDY YOUNG BECAUSE OF ITS CONVENIENCE....THERE HE CAN INSULT ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD WITHOUT LEAVING THE BUILDING.

-23-

MY NEW DIRECTOR OF THE CIA WILL BE PROMOTED FROM *WITHIN*
THE *RANKS* OF THE CIA....WHICH SHOULD OFFER SOME HOPE OF
ADVANCEMENT TO *JOURNALISTS* EVERYWHERE.

POSSIBLY I WILL NAME MY BROTHER TO BE THE NEW DIRECTOR....
BECAUSE MY POOR BROTHER HAS A REAL PROBLEM. HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED TO SELL A BEER CALLED WALTER?

I WILL APPOINT GEORGE ALLEN AS SECRETARY OF HEW TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS MANY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE IN DEALING
WITH THE AGED, THE INFIRM, THE HALT AND THE LAME.

SECRETARY OF TREASURY IS A KEY ASSIGNMENT. REMEMBER OUR
FIRST SECRETARY WAS ALEXANDER HAMILTON, WHOSE PICTURE IS ON
THE 10 DOLLAR BILL. THEY WANT TO PUT MIKE BLUMENTHAL ON THE
DOLLAR, BUT IT'S SHRINKING SO FAST THERE'S NO ROOM LEFT.
THE OBVIOUS CANDIDATE IS THE CURRENT ATTORNEY GENERAL. THE
COUNTRY CANNOT SPARE A MAN WITH HIS INGENUITY AND HIS DEDICATION
TO ECONOMY. HE PROVED THESE QUALITIES BY ANNOUNCING THAT
HE WILL CALL PERSONALLY ALL CONGRESSMEN CLEARED BY TONGSUN

-24-

PARK. THAT SHOULD NOT COST THE GOVERNMENT MUCH OR TAKE A
GREAT DEAL OF HIS TIME.

SO FELLOW ALFALFANS YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT MY BACKGROUND,
MY PROGRAM AND MY APPOINTMENTS. I ACCEPT YOUR NOMINATION
BECAUSE THE RENT IS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I WILL NOW GET MY
"NO PARKING" SIGN BACK AND BECAUSE HAVING TAKEN OFF SO
MUCH WEIGHT THERE WILL BE ROOM FOR ME ON MOUNT RUSHMORE...

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IF I MAY TURN SLIGHTLY SERIOUS FOR
A MOMENT, GIVEN THE RECORD OF THIS DISTINGUISHED ORGANIZATION
THERE IS ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY THAT DESPITE MY QUALIFICATIONS
I SHALL JOIN THE LONG LIST OF LOSERS YOU HAVE NOMINATED
AND THAT THIS NATION WILL HAVE TO GET ALONG WITHOUT THE
LEADERSHIP MY FATHER CONSIDERS SO INDISPENSABLE. THERE
EXISTS THE POSSIBILITY THEN THAT DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS
SOMEONE ELSE WILL LEAD THIS NATION.

AND IN THAT UNFORTUNATE EVENT WE ALFALFANS WILL -- AS
SO OFTEN BEFORE -- REMEMBER THAT ALL AMERICANS MUST SEE