Cruikshanks de lin.

Barlow Jculp.

MRS THRALE'S
Breakfast Table.

Published as the Act directs, by Locke & Brewman, Nov. 10. 1791.

THE
WITTICISMS, ANECDOTES,
JESTS, AND SAYINGS,
OF
DR. SAMUEL JOHNSON,

DURING
THE WHOLE COURSE OF HIS LIFE.

COLLECTED
From BOSWELL, PIOZZI, HAWKINS, BARETTI, BEAUCLERK,
SIR JOSHUA REYNOLDS,
And other Gentlemen in the Habits of Intimacy with the Doctor.

AND
A FULL ACCOUNT
OF
Dr. Johnson's Conversation with the King.

TO WHICH IS ADDED,

*A great Number of Fests,*
In which the most distinguished Wits of the present Century bore a Part.

By J. MERRY, Esq. of Pembroke College.

By Nature's Gifts ordain'd Mankind to rule,
He, like a Titian, form'd his brilliant School;
And taught congenial Spirits to excel,
While from his Lips impreffive Wifdom fell.

COURTENAY.

LONDON:
PRINTED FOR THE EDITOR;

AND SOLD BY D. BREWMAN, NEW STREET, BONE LANE;
W. LOCKE, RED LION STREET, HOLBORN, AND ALL
OTHER BOOKSELLERS.

[PRICE ONE SHILLING AND SIX-PENCE.]

1791.

4

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

ferved that the real character of a man was found
out by his amusements—Johnson. “Yes, Sir;
no man is a hypocrite in his pleasures.”

JOHNSON was present when a tragedy was read,
in which there occurred this line :

“ Who rules o’er freemen should himself be free.”

The company having admired it much, “I can-
not agree with you (said Johnson); it might as
well be said,

' Who drives fat oxen should himself be fat.'

THE difference, Johnson observed, between a
well-bred and an ill-bred man is this: One im-
mediately attracts your liking, the other your
aversion. You love the one till you find reason
to hate him; you hate the other till you find
reason to love him.

THE wife of one of his acquaintance had
fraudulently made a purse to herself out of her
husband's fortune. Feeling a proper com-
punction in her last moments, she confessed how
much she had secreted; but before she could tell
where it was placed, she was seized with a con-
vulsive fit and expired. Her husband said, he
was more hurt by her want of confidence in him,
than by the lots of his money. " I told him
(said Johnson) that he should console himself;
for perhaps the money might be found, and he was
sure that his wife was gone."

THOUGH he had no taste for painting, he ad-
mired much the manner in which Sir Joseph
Reynolds treated of his art, in his " Discourses
to

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

5

to the Royal Academy.” He observed of a pas-
fage one day, “ I think I might as well have said
this myself.” And once when Mr. Langton was
fitting by him, he read one of them very eagerly,
and expressed himself thus: “ Very well, Master
Reynolds; very well, indeed. But it will not be
understood.”

A FOPPISH physician imagined that Johnson had animadverted on his wearing a fine coat, and mentioned it to him. “ I did not notice you;” was his answer. The physician still infited. “ Sir, (said Johnson) had you been dipt in Pactolus, I should not have noticed you,”

TALKING of a very respectable author, he told
a curious circumstance in his life to a large com-
pany: it was, that he had married a printer's devil.
Reynolds. " A printer's devil, Sir ! Why, I
thought a printer's devil was a creature with a
black face and in rags." Johnson. " Yes, Sir.
But I fuppose, he had her face washed, and put
clean cloaths on her. (Then looking very serious,
and very earnest) And she did not difgrace him—the
woman had a bottom of good fente." The word
bottom thus introduced, was so ludicrous, when
contrasted with his gravity, that most of the com-
pany could not forbear tittering and laughing,
while Miff Hannah More flily hid her face behind
a lady's back who fat on the fame fettee with her.
His pride could not bear that any exprefion of his
should excite ridicule, when he did not intend it;
he therefore resolved to affume and exercise def-
potic power, glanced sternly around, and called
out in a strong tone, "Where's the merriment?"
Then collecting himself, and looking awful, to
make them feel how he could impole restraint,
and

6 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

and as it were searching his mind for a still more
ludicrous word, he flowly pronounced, “I say the
woman was *fundamentally* senfible.”

AT Mr. Thrale's, one evening, he repeated his
usual paradoxical declamation againſt action in
public ſpeaking. “Action can have no effect
upon reaſonable minds. It may augment noſle,
but it never can enforce argument. If you ſpeak
to a dog, you uſe action; you hold up your hand
thus, becauſe he is a brute; and in proportion as
men are removed from brutes, action will have
the leſs influence upon them.” “What then,
Sir, (faid Mrs. Thrale) becomes of Demofthenes’s
faying ? ‘Action, action, action!’” “Demof-
thenes, Madam, ſpoke to an ſſsembly of brutes;
to a barbarous people.”

TALKING one day of the danger of marrying
pretty women, Johnson faid, “It is a very fooliſh
refolution to refolve not to marry a pretty woman,
Beauty is of itſelf very eſtimable. No, Sir, I
would prefer a pretty woman, unleſs there are ob-
jections to her. A pretty woman may be fooliſh;
a pretty woman may be wicked; a pretty woman
may not like me. But there is no ſuch danger in
marrying a pretty woman as is apprehended; ſhe
will not be perſecuted if ſhe does not invite per-
ſecution. A pretty woman, if ſhe has a mind to
be wicked, can find a readier way than another;
and that is all.”

LORD Cheſterfield being mentioned, Johnson
remarked, that almoſt all of that celebrated noble-
man's witty ſayings were puns. He, however,
allowed the merit of good wit to his Lordſhip's
faying

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

7

faying of Lord Tyrawley and himſelf, when both
very old and infirm: “Tyrawley and I have been
dead these two years; but we don't choose to have
it known.”

IT was a very remarkable circumstance about
Johnson, whom ſhallow obſervers have ſuppoſed
to have been ignorant of the world, that very few
men had ſeen greater variety of characters; and
none could obſerve them better, as was evident
from the ſtrong, yet nice portrraits which he often
drew. Mr. Bolwell frequently thought that if he
had made out what the French call *une catalogue
raisonnée* of all the people who had paffed under
his obſervation, it would have afforſed a very
rich fund of inſtruction and entertainment. The
fuddenneſs with which his accounts of ſome of
them ſtarted out in converſation, was not leſs
pleaſing than ſurprifing. “It is wonderful, Sir,”
faid he to Mr. B. “what is to be found in Lon-
don. The moſt literary converſation that I ever
enjoyed, was at the table of Jack Ellis, a money-
ſcrivener behind the Royal-Exchange, with whom
I at one period uſed to dine generally once a
week.”

Volumes would be required to contain a lift of
his numerous and various acquaintance, none of
whom he ever forgot; and could deſcribe and dif-
criminate them all with precifion and vivacity.
He aftociated with perſons the moſt widely differ-
ent in manners, abilities, rank, and accompliſh-
ments. He was at once the companion of the
brilliant Colonel Forreſter of the guards, who
wrote “The Polite Philofopher,” and of the
aukward and uncouth Robert Levett; of Lord
Thurlow, and Mr. Saſtres, the Italian maſter;
and has dined one day with the beautiful, gay,
and

8

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

and fascinating Lady Craven *, and the next with
good Mrs. Gardiner the tallow-chandler, on Snow-
hill.

HE played off his wit againft Scotland one even-
ing with a good humoured pleafantry, which gave
Mr. Bofwell, though no bigot to national preju-
dices, an opportunity for a little conteft with him;
and having faid that England was obliged to his
countrymen for gardeners, almoſt all their good
gardeners being Scotchmen—*Johnfon*. “ Why,
Sir, that is becaufe gardening is much more ne-
ceſſary amongſt you than with us, which makes
fo many of your people learn it. It is all garden-
ing with you. Things which grow wild here,
muſt be cultivated with great care in Scotland.
Pray now, (throwing himſelf back in his chair,
and laughing) are you ever able to bring the floe
to perfection?”

A GENTLEMAN having to ſome of the ufual argu-
ments for drinking added this: “You know, Sir,
drinking drives away care, and makes us forget
whatever is diſagreeable. Would not you allow
a man to drink for that reaſon?” “Yes, Sir, (faid
the Doctor) if he fat next you.”

HE would not allow Scotland to derive any cre-
dit from Lord Mansfield; for he was educated in
England. “Much (faid he) may be made of a
Scotchman, if he be caught young.”

* Lord Macartney, who with his other diſtinguſhed quali-
ties, is remarkable alſo for an elegant pleafantry, told Mr.
Bofwell, that he met Johnſon at Lady Craven's, and that he
feemed jealous of any interference; “So (faid his Lordſhip,
ſmiling,) I kept back.”

I NEVER

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

9

I NEVER take a nap after dinner but when I
have had a bad night; and then the nap takes
me!

THERE is now leſs flogging in our great ſchools
than formerly; but then leſs is learned there : so
that what the boys get at one end, they loſe at
the other.

AFTER having talked flightingly of muſic, he
was obſerved to ſiſten very attentively while
Mifs Thrale played on the harpſichord, and with
eagerneſs he called to her, “Why don't you daſh
away like Burney?” Dr. Burney upon this faid to
him, “I believe, Sir, we ſhall make a muſician
of you at laſt.” Johnſon with candid compla-
cency replied, “Sir, I ſhall be glad to have a
new ſenſe given to me.”

HE had come down one morning to the break-
ſaſt-room, and been a confiderable time by him-
ſelf before any body appeared. When on a ſub-
ſequent day, he was twitted by Mrs. Thrale for
being very late, which he generally was, he de-
fended himſelf by alluding to the extraordinary
morning, when he had been too early: “Madam,
I do not like to come down to *vacuity*.”

DR. Burney having remarked that Mr. Garrick
was beginning to look old, he faid, “Why, Sir,
you are not to wonder at that; no man’s face has
had more *wear* and *tear*.”

Two young women from Staffordshire viſited
him when Dr. Maxwell was prefent, to confult
him on the ſubject of Methodism, to which they

C

were

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS. 10

were inclined. " Come (said he,) you pretty
fools, dine with Maxwell and me at the Mitre,
and we will talk over that subject;" which they
did, and after dinner he took one of them upon
his knee, and fondled her for half an hour
together.

UPON a visit to Dr. Maxwell at a country
lodging near Twickenham, he asked him what
fort of society he had there. The Doctor told
him, but indifferent; as they chiefly confided of
opulent traders, retired from busineſs. He said,
he never much liked that class of people; "For,
Sir, (said he,) they have loft the civility of
tradeſmen, without acquiring the manners of
gentlemen."

WHEN exasperated by contradiction, he was
apt to treat his opponents with too much acri-
mony; as, "Sir, you don't fee your way through
that question.—Sir, you talk the language of ig-
norance." On Dr. Maxwell obſerving to him
that a certain gentleman had remained ſilent the
whole evening, in the midſt of a very brilliant
and learned ſociety, "Sir, (said he,) the con-
verſation overflowed, and drowned him."

SPEAKING of Mr. Hanway, who publifhed A
Six Weeks Tour through the South of England,
" Jonas (said he,) acquired ſome reputation by
travelling abroad, but loft it all by travelling at
home."

Of the paſſion of love he remarked, that its
violence and ill effects were much exaggerated
for who has known any real ſufferings on that
head,

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

11

head, more than from the exorbitancy of any
other paſſion ?

Of Dr. Prieſtley's theological works, he re-
marked, that they tended to unfettle every thing,
and yet ſettled nothing.—The fame, we preſume,
may be ſaid of his political effusions !

SPEAKING of the French novels, compared
with Richardſon's, he ſaid they might be pretty
baubles, but a wren was not an eagle.

IN a Latin converſation with the Pere Boſco-
witz, at the house of Mrs. Cholmondeley, Dr.
Maxwell heard him maintain the ſuperiority of
Sir Isaac Newton over all foreign philofophers,
with a dignity and eloquence that ſurprized that
learned foreigner. It being obſerved to him,
that a rage for every thing English prevailed
much in France after Lord Chatham's glorious
war, he ſaid, he did not wonder at it, for that
we had drubbed those ſellows into a proper
reverence for us, and that their national peru-
lance required periodical chaſtifement!

LORD Lyttelton's Dialogues, he deemed a
nugatory performance. " That man (said he,)  
fat down to write a book, to tell the world what  
the world had all his life been telling him."

BEING asked by a young nobleman, what was
become of the gallantry and military ſpirit of the
old English nobility, he replied, Why, my Lord,
I'll tell you what is become of it; it is gone into
the city to look for a fortune.

C 2

SPEAK-

12

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

SPEAKING of a dull, tiresome fellow, whom he chanced to meet, he said, “That fellow seems to me to poffeſs but one idea, and that is a wrong one.”

Much inquiry having been made concerning a gentleman who had quitted a company where Johnson was, and no information being obtained; at laſt Johnson obſerved, “That he did not care to ſpeak ill of any man behind his back, but he believed the gentleman was an attorney!”

HE remarked, that a London parſh was a very comfortleſs thing; for the clergyman ſeldom knew the face of one out of ten of his parifhioners.

A GENTLEMAN who had been very unhappy in marriage, married immediately after his wife died: Johnson faſd, it was the triumph of hope over experience.

HE obſerved, that a man of ſenſe and education ſhould meet a ſuitable companion in a wife. It was a miſerable thing when the converſation could only be ſuch as, whether the mutton ſhould be boiled or roaſted, and probably a dispute about that.

HE faſd foppery was never cured; it was the bad ſtamina of the mind, which, like thofe of the body, were never rectified: once a coxcomb, and always a coxcomb.

BEING told that Gilbert Cowper called him the Caliban of literature; “Well, (faſd he,) I muſt dub him the Punchinello.”

THOUGH

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

13

THOUGH he often enlarged upon the evil of intoxication, he was by no means harſh and unforgiving to thofe who indulged in occasional excejſs in wine. One of his friends came to ſup at a tavern with him and ſome other gentlemen, and too plainly diſcovered that he had drunk too much at dinner. When one who loved miſchief, thinking to produce a ſevere cenſure, aſked Johnson, ſome days afterwards, “Well, Sir, what did your friend ſay to you, as an apology for being in ſuch a ſituation?” Johnson anſwered, “Sir, he faſd all that a man ſhould ſay: he faſd he was ſorry for it.”

A ſhip is worſe than a gaol. There is, in a gaol, better air, better company, better conveniency of every kind; and a ſhip has the additional diſadvantage of being in danger. When men come to like a ſea-life, they are not fit to live on land.

JOHNSON cenſured Gwyn, an architect, for taking down a church which might have ſtood many years, and building a new one at a different place, for no other reaſon but that there might be a direct road to a new bridge; and his expeſſion was, “You are taking a church out of the way, that the people may go in a ſtraight line to the bridge.”—“No, Sir, (faſd Gwyn) I am putting the church in the way, that the people may not go out of the way.”

MARRIAGE is the best ſtate for man in general; and every man is a worſe man, in proportion as he is unfit for the married ſtate.

DR.

14 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

DR. Johnson said to Mr. Bofwell one morning,
"You will see, Sir, at Mr. Hector's, his sister,
Mrs. Carelefs, a clergyman's widow. She was
the first woman with whom I was in love. It
dropt out of my head imperceptibly; but she and
I shall always have a kindness for each other." He
laughed at the notion that a man never can be
really in love but once, and considered it as a mere
romantic fancy.

MATRIMONY — A CONVERSATION, — Bofwell,
"Pray, Sir, do you not suppose that there are fifty
women in the world, with any one of whom a
man may be as happy, as with any one woman in
particular ?" Johnson. "Aye, fifty thousand."  
Bofwell. "Then, Sir, you are not of opinion
with some who imagine that certain men and cer-
tain women are made for each other; and that
they cannot be happy if they mis their counter-
parts ?" Johnson. "To be sure not, Sir. I be-
lieve marriages would in general be as happy, and
often more so, if they were all made by the Lord
Chancellor, upon a due consideration of characters
and circumstances, without the parties having any
choice in the matter."

A PHYSICIAN being mentioned who had lost his
practice, because his whimsically changing his
religion had made people distrustful of him, Mr.
Bofwell maintained that this was unreasonable, as
religion is unconnected with medical skill. John-
son. "Sir, it is not unreasonable; for when peo-
ple fee a man absurd in what they understand, they
may conclude the fame of him in what they do not
understand. If a physician were to take to eating
of horse-flesh, nobody would employ him; though
one

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS. 15

one may eat horse-flesh, and be a very skilful phy-
fician. If a man were educated in an absurd reli-
gion, his continuing to profess it would not hurt
him, though his changing to it would."

I WOULD not have you be gay (said the Doctor
to a friend) in the prefence of the distresſed, be-
cauſe it would ſhock them; but you may be gay
at a diſtance. Pain for the lots of a friend, or of a
relation whom we love, is occasioned by the want
which we feel. In time the vacuity is filled with
fomething elfe; or, sometimes the vacuity cloſes
up of itſelf.

NEVER ſpeak of a man in his own prefence. It
is always indelicate, and may be offenſive.

QUESTIONING is not the mode of conversation
among gentlemen. It is affuming a ſuperiority;
and it is particularly wrong to queſtion a man con-
cerning himself. There may be parts of his for-
mer life which he may not wifh to be made known
to other perſons, or even brought to his own re-
collection.

A MAN ſhould be careful never to tell tales of
himſelf to his own diſadvantage. People may be
amufed and laugh at the time, but they will be re-
membered, and brought out againſt him upon
fome ſubſquent occafion.

THERE is nothing againſt which an old man
ſhould be ſo much upon his guard as putting him-
ſelf to nurſe.

He

16 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

HE said, “It is commonly a weak man who marries for love.” We (the Doctor and Mr. Bofwell) then talked of marrying women of fortune; and Mr. B. mentioned a common remark, that a man may be, upon the whole, richer by marrying a woman with a very small portion, because a woman of fortune will be proportionably expensed; whereas a woman who brings none will be very moderate in expences. *Johnson.* “Depend upon it, Sir, this is not true. A woman of fortune being used to the handling of money, spends it judiciously: but a woman who gets the command of money for the first time upon her marriage, has such a guift in spending it, that she throws it away with great profusion.”

He praised the ladies of the present age, infift-
ing that they were more faithful to their husbands,
and more virtuous in every refpect, than in former
times, because their understandings were better
cultivated. It was an undoubted proof of his good
fense and good dispoſition, that he was never
querulous, never prone to inveigh againſt the pre-
fent times, as is ſo common when ſupernical minds
are on the fret.

CONVERSATION—ON THE NECESSITY OF RE-
STRAINING FORNICATION—AND ON CONJUGAL
INFIDELITY.—*Johnson*. “ In the barbarous ages,
Sir, prieſts and people were equally deceived;
but afterwards there were groſs corruptions in-
troduced by the clergy, ſuch as indulgences to
prieſts to have concubines, and the worſhip of
images, not, indeed, inculcated, but knowingly
permitted.” He ſtrongly cenſured the licenſed
ſtews at Rome. *Bofwell*. “ So then, Sir, you
would

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS. 17

would allow of no irregular intercourse whatever
between the sexes?" *Johnson.* " To be sure I
would not, Sir. I would punish it much more
than is done, and so restrain it. In all countries
there has been fornication, as in all countries
there has been theft; but there may be more or
less of the one, as well as of the other, in pro-
portion to the force of law. All men will
naturally commit fornication, as all men will
naturally steal. And, Sir, it is very absurd to
argue, as has been often done, that profitures
are neceffary to prevent the violent effects of ap-
petite from violating the decent order of life;
nay, should be permitted, in order to preserve
the chafity of our wives and daughters. De-
pend upon it, Sir, severe laws, steadily enforced,
would be sufficient againſt those evils, and would
promote marriage."

Mr. Bofwell flated to him this cafe :—“ Sup-
pose a man has a daughter who he knows has
been seduced, but her misfortune is concealed
from the world: should he keep her in his house?
Would he not, by doing so, be accesseſt to im-
poſition? And, perhaps, a worthy unſuſpecting
man might come and marry this woman, unless
the father inform him of the truth.” *Johnson.*
“ Sir, he is accesseſt to no impoſition. His
daughter is in his house; and if a man courts
her, he takes his chance. If a friend, or indeed
if any man, asks his opinion whether he ſhould
marry her, he ought to advise him againſt it,
without telling why, because his real opinion is
then required. Or, if he has other daughters
who know of her frailty, he ought not to keep
her in his house. You are to consider the ſtate
of life is this; we are to judge of one another’s

D characters

18 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS,

characters as well as we can; and a man is not
bound, in honesty or honour, to tell us the faults
of his daughter or of himself. A man who has
debauched his friend's daughter is not obliged to
say to every body—' Take care of me; don't let
me into your houſes without fufpicion. I once
debauched a friend's daughter: I may debauch
your's.'

Mr. Bofwell repeated to him an argument of a
lady of his acquaintance, who maintained, that
her hufband's having been guilty of numberleſs
inſidieties, releafed her from conjugal obligations,
becauſe they were reciprocal. *Johnson.* " This is
miferable ſtuff, Sir. To the contract of marriage,
beſides the man and wife, there is a third party—
Society; and, if it be confidered as a vow—God:
and, therefore, it cannot be diſſolved by their
confent alone. Laws are not made for particular
cafes, but for mankind in general. A woman
may be unhappy with her hufband; but ſhe can-
not be freed from him without the approbation
of the civil and eccleſiaſtical power. A man may
be unhappy, becauſe he is not ſo rich as another;
but he is not to ſeize upon another's property
with his own hand." *Bofwell.* " But, Sir, this
lady does not want that the contract ſhould be
diſſolved; ſhe only argues that ſhe may indulge
herself in gallantries with equal freedom as her
hufband does, provided ſhe takes care not to in-
troduce a ſpurious iſſue into his family. You
know, Sir, what Macrobius has told us of Julia." *Johnson.* " This lady of your's, Sir, I think, is
very fit for a brothel."

UPON the queſtion whether a man who had been
guilty of vicious actions would do well to force
himself

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

19

himſelf into ſolitude and fadneſs; *Johnson.* " No,
Sir, unleſs it prevent him from being vicious
again. With ſome people, gloomy penitence is
only madneſs turned upſide down. A man may
be gloomy, till, in order to be relieved from
gloom, he has recourse again to criminal indulg-
ences."

Of a nobleman raſed at a very early period to
high office, he ſaid, " His parts, Sir, are pretty
well for a Lord; but would not be diſtinguifhed
in a man who had nothing eſſe but his parts."

TALKING of a penurious gentleman, Johnson
faid, "Sir, he is narrow, not ſo much from ava-
rice, as from impotence to ſpend his money. He
cannot find in his heart to pour out a bottle of
wine; but he would not much care if it ſhould
four."

IT having been mentioned, that a certain female
political writer, whose doctrines the Doctor diſ-
liked, had of late become very fond of drefs, fat
hours together at her toilet, and even put on
rouge—*Johnson* faid, “She is better employed at
her toilet than uſing her pen. It is better ſhe
ſhould be reddening her own cheeks, than black-
ening other people’s characters.”

JOHNSON faid of Chatterton, " This is the moſt
extraordinary young man that has encountered my
knowledge. It is wonderful how the *whelp* has
written ſuch things."

JOHNSON and Bofwell being at Briftol, were by
no means pleafed with their inn. " Let us fee
now,
D 2

D 2

20

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

now, (said Bofwell) how we should describe it.”
Johnson was ready with his raillery: “ Describe
it, Sir?—Why, it was so bad, that Bofwell wished
to be in Scotland !”

GARRICK (he observed) does not play the part
of Archer in “The Beaux Stratagem” well. The
gentleman should break out through the footman,
which is not the case as he does it.

WHERE there is no education, as in savage
countries, men will have the upper hand of
women. Bodily strength, no doubt, contributes
to this: but it would be so, exclusive of that;
for it is mind that always governs. When it
comes to dry understanding, man has the better.

THERE is much talk of the misery which we
cause to the brute creation; but they are recom-
pened by existence. If they were not useful to
man, and therefore protected by him, they would
not be nearly so numerous. This argument is to
be found in the able and benignant Hutchinson's
"Moral Philosophy." But the question is, whe-
ther the animals who endure such sufferings of
various kinds, for the service and entertainment of
man, would accept of existence upon the terms
on which they have it. Madame Sevigné, who,
though she had many enjoyments, felt with deli-
cate sensitivity the prevalence of misery, com-
plains of the tatk of existence having been im-
poſed upon her without her consent.

THAT man is never happy for the prefent, is so
true, that all his relief from unhappiness is only
forgetting himself for a little while. Life is a pro-
grefs

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

21

greſs from want to want, not from enjoyment to
enjoyment.

THOUGH many men are nominally entrustéd
with the administration of hospitals and other pub-
lic institutions, almost all the good is done by one
man, by whom the reſt are driven on; owing to
confidence in him, and indolence in them.

No man was a more attentive and nice obſerver
of behaviour in those in whose company he hap-
pened to be, that Johnson; or, however ſtrange it
may seem to many, had a higher estimation of
its refinement. One day when he and Lord
Eliot were at dinner at a gentleman's house in
London, upon Lord Chesterfield's Letters being
mentioned, Johnson surprisef the company by
this ſentence: " Every man of any education
would rather be called a rafcal, than accused of
deficiency in the graces." Mr. Gibbon, who was
prefent, turned to a lady who knew the Doctor
well, and lived much with him, and in his quaint
manner, tapping his box, addreſſed her thus :
" Don't you think, Madam, (looking towards
Johnson) that, among all your acquaintance, you
could find one exception?" The lady smiled, and
feemed to acquiesce.

WHEN Mr. Bofwell complained of having dined
at a splendid table without hearing one ſentence of
converſation worthy of being remembered, John-
fon said, "Sir, there seldom is any such conver-
fation." *Bofwell.* "Why then meet at table?"
*Johnson.* "Why to eat and drink together, and
promote kindneſs; and, Sir, this is better done
when there is no ſolid converſation; for when
there

22

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

there is, people differ in opinion, and get into bad
humour, or some of the company who are not
capable of such conversation, are left out, and feel
themselves unealy. It was for this reason, Sir
Robert Walpole said, he always talked bawdy at
his table, because in that all could join."

THE first time, said the Doctor, I was in company with Foote, was at Fitzherbert's. Having no good opinion of the fellow, I was refolved not to be pleafed, and it is very difficult to pleafe a man againſt his will. I went on eating my dinner pretty ſullenly, affecting not to mind him. But the dog was ſo very comical, that I was obliged to lay down my knife and fork, throw myſelf back upon my chair, and fairly laugh it out. No, Sir, he was irrefiſtible. He upon one occafion experienced, in an extraordinary degree, the efficacy of his powers of entertaining. Amongſt the many and various modes which he tried of getting money, he became a partner with a ſmall-beer brewer, and he was to have a ſhare of the profits for procuring customers amongſt his numerous acquaintance. Fitzherbert was one who took his ſmall-beer; but it was ſo bad, that the ſervants refolved not to drink it. They were at ſome loſs how to notify their refolution, being afraid of offending their maſter, who they knew liked Foote much as a companion. At laſt they ſixed upon a little black boy, who was rather a favourite, to be their deputy, and deliver their remonſtrance; and having inſevited him with the whole authority of the kitchen, he was to inform Mr. Fitzherbert, in all their names, upon a certain day, that they would drink Foote's ſmall-beer no longer. On that day Foote happened to dine at Fitzherbert's, and

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

23

and this boy ſerved at table; he was ſo delighted
with Foote's ſtories, and merriment, and grimace,
that when he went down ſtairs, he told them,
"This is the fineſt man I have ever seen. I will
not deliver your meſſage. I will drink his ſmall-
beer."

MR. Arthur Lee mentioned ſome Scotch who
had taken poſſeffion of a barren part of America,
and wondered why they ſhould chooſe it. John-
fon. " Why, Sir, all barrenneſs is comparative.
The Scotch would not know it to be barren." Bof-
well. " Come, come, he is flattering the Englifh.
You have now been in Scotland, Sir; and lay if
you did not fee meat and drink enough there?"
Johnfon. " Why yes, Sir; meat and drink
enough to give the inhabitants ſufficient ſtrength
to run away from home!"

I DO not know, ſaid Johnſon, a more diſagree-
able character than a valetudinarian, who thinks
he may do any thing that is for his eafe, and in-
dulges himſelf in the groſſeſt freedoms: Sir, he
brings himſelf to the ſtate of a hog in a ſtyle.

IF (ſaid he) I had no duties, and no reference
to futurity, I would ſpend my life in driving
briskly in a poſt-chaise with a pretty woman; but
ſhe ſhould be one who could understand me, and
would add ſomething to the conversation.

WHEN a man knows he is to be hanged in a
fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.

ALAS, (ſaid Johnſon,) what a mafs of con-
fusion ſhould we have, if every Bifhop and every
Judge,

24

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

Judge, every Lawyer, Physician, and Divine,
were to write books !

TALKING of Rochester's Poems, he said, he
had given them to Mr. Steevens to castrate for the
edition of the Poets, to which he was to write
Prefaces. Dr. Taylor observed, that " if Ro-
chester had been castrated himself, his exception-
able poems would not have been written."

MR. Bofwell once told the Doctor, that music
affected him to such a degree, as often to agitate
his nerves painfully, producing in his mind al-
ternate sensations of pathetic dejection, so that he
was ready to shed tears; and of daring resolution,
so that he was inclined to rush into the thickest
part of a battle. " Sir, (said he) I should never
hear it, if it made me such a fool."

TALKING of ghouls, he said, " It is wonderful
that five thousand years have now elapsed since the
creation of the world, and still it is undecided
whether or not there has ever been an instance of
the spirit of any person appearing after death.
All argument is against it; but all belief is for it."

HE said, " John Wesley's conversation is good,
but he is never at leisure. He is always obliged
to go at a certain hour. This is very disagree-
able to a man who loves to fold his legs and have
out his talk, as I do."

Johnson. " WHEN we talk of pleasure, we mean
fleshly pleasure. When a man says he had plea-
ure with a woman, he does not mean conver-
tion, but something of a very different nature.

Philosophers

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

25

Philosophers tell you, that pleasure is contrary to
happiness. Groans men prefer animal pleasure.
So there are men who have preferred living among
savages. Now what a wretch must he be, who is
content with such conversation as can be had
among savages! You may remember an officer at
Fort Augustus, who had served in America, told
us of a woman whom they were obliged to bind, in
order to get her back from savage life." Bofwell.
" She must have been an animal, a beast." John-
son. " Sir, she was a speaking cat."

OF Goldsmith he said, " He was not an agree-
able companion, for he talked always for fame.
A man who does so never can be pleasing. The
man who talks to unburthen his mind is the man
to delight you."

TALKING of the Justitia hulk at Woolwich, in
which criminals were punished, by being confined
to labour, he said, "I do not see that they are
punished by this: they must have worked equally
had they never been guilty of stealing. They
now only work; so, after all, they have gained;
what they stole is clear gain to them; the con-
finement is nothing. Every man who works is
confined: the Smith to his shop, the Taylor to his
garret."

THE Doctor told Sir Joshua Reynolds, that
once when he dined in a numerous company of
bookmakers, where the room being small, the head
of the table, at which he sat, was almost close to
the fire, he perfevered in suffering a great deal of
inconvenience from the heat, rather than quit his
place, and let one of them sit above him.

E

GOLDSMITH,

26 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

GOLDSMITH, in his diverting simplicity, com-
plained one day, in a mixed company, of Lord
Camden. " I met him (said he) at Lord Clare's
house in the country, and he took no more notice
of me than if I had been an ordinary man." The
company having laughed heartily, Johnson stood
forth in defence of his friend. " Nay, gentlemen,
(said he) Dr. Goldsmith is in the right. A no-
bleman ought to have made up to such a man as
Goldsmith; and I think it is much against Lord
Camden that he neglected him."

HE could not patiently endure to hear that such
respect as he thought due only to higher intel-
lectual qualities, should be bestowed on men of
slightest, though perhaps more amufing talents.
Mr. Bofwell told him, that one morning, when he
went to breakfast with Garrick, who was very vain
of his intimacy with Lord Camden, he accofted Mr.
B. thus :—" Pray now, did you ?—did you meet
a little lawyer turning the corner, eh ?"—" No,
Sir (said Mr. B). Pray what do you mean by the
question ?"—" Why, (replied Garrick, with an
affected indifference, yet as if standing on tip-toe),
Lord Camden has this moment left me. We
have had a long walk together." Johnson. " Well,
Sir, Garrick talked very properly; Lord Camden
was a little lawyer to be affociating so familiarly
with a player."

THE conversation having turned one day on Box
Mots, he quoted from one of the Ana an exquisite
intance of flattery in a Maid of Honour in France,
who being asked by the Queen what o'clock it
was, answered, "What your Majefly pleafes."
He admitted that Mr. Burke's classical pun upon
Mr.

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

27

Mr. Wilkes's being carried on the shoulders of the
mob,

“ _________ Numerifque fertuir

"Lege solutus;"—

was admirable; and though he was strangely un-
willing to allow to that extraordinary man the
talent of wit, he also laughed with approbation at
another of his playful conceits; which was, that
Horace has in one line given a description of a
good defirable manor :

"Eft modus in rebus, sunt certi denique fines."

THE celebrated Mrs. Rudd being mentioned,
Johnfon said, " Fifteen years ago I should have
gone to see her." " Yes," replied a gentleman ;
" becaufe she was fifteen years younger ?" John-
fon. " No, Sir; but now they have a trick of
putting every thing into the news-papers."

IN a conversation upon the fenfual intercourse
between the sexes, the delight of which he
afcribed chiefly to imagination—" Were it not
for imagination, (said the Doctor) a man would
be as happy in the arms of a chambermaid as of a
Duchefs. But fuch is the adventitious charm of
fancy, that we find men who have violated the beſt
principles of society, and ruined their fame and
their fortune, that they might poffeſs a woman of
rank."

A CELEBRATED wit being mentioned, Johnſon
said, " One may ſay of him as was ſaid of a
French wit, *Il n'a de l'efprit que contre Dieu.* I
have been ſeveral times in company with him,
but never perceived any ſtrong power of wit.

E 2

He

28 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS,

He produces a general effect by various means; he has a cheerful countenance and a gay voice; besides his trade is wit. It would be as wild in him to come into company without merriment, as for a highwayman to take the road without his pistols."

MR. Bofwell mentioned to the Doctor a dispute between a friend of his and the gentleman's lady, concerning conjugal infidelity, which Mr. B.'s friend had maintained was by no means so bad in the husband, as in the wife. Johnson. " Your friend was in the right, Sir. Between a man and his Maker it is a different question; but between a man and his wife, a husband's infidelity is nothing. They are connected by children, by fortune, by serious considerations of community. Wife married women don't trouble themselves about infidelity in their husbands; they detest a misсты, but don't mind a whore. My wife told me I might lye with as many women as I pleased, provided I loved her alone."

AT one of Mils E. Hervey's assemblies, Dr. Johnson was following her up and down the room; upon which Lord Abingdon observed to her, "Your great friend is very fond of you; you can go no where without him."—"Aye, (said she) he would follow me to any part of the world."—"Then (said the Earl) ask him to go with you to America." This occurred during the American war, when Johnson warmly espoused the military side of the question.

JOHN Gilbert Cooper related, that soon after the publication of his Dictionary, Garrick being asked

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

asked by Johnson what people said of it, told him, that among other animadversions, it was objected that he cited authorities which were beneath the dignity of such a work, and mentioned Richardson. " Nay, (said Johnson) I have done worse than that; I have cited thee, David!"

WHEN in good humour, he would talk of his own writings with a wonderful frankness and candour, and would even criticise them with the closest severity. One day, having read over one of his Ramblers, Mr. Langton asked him, how he liked that paper; he shook his head, and answered, "Too wordy!" And at another time, when one was reading his tragedy of Irene, to a company at a house in the country, he left the room; and somebody having asked him the reason of this, he replied, "Sir, I thought it had been better."

TALKING of the minutenefs with which people will record the fayings of eminent persons, a story was told, that when Pope was on a visit to Spence at Oxford, as they looked from the window they saw a Gentleman Commoner, who was just come in from riding, amufing himfelf with whipping at a poft. Pope took occasion to say, "That young gentleman feems to have little to do." Mr. Beauclerk observed, "Then, to be sure, Spence turned round and wrote that down;" and went on to say to Dr. Johnson, "Pope, Sir, would have said the fame of you, if he had seen you diffilling." Johnson. "Sir, if Pope had told me of my diffilling, I would have told him of his grotto."

JOHNSON's affection for Topham Beauclerk was so great, that when Beauclerk was labouring under that

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

that severe illneſs which at laſt occasioned his
death, Johnson faid, (with a voice faltering with
emotion) “Sir, I would walk to the extent of
the diameter of the earth to ſave Beauclerk.”

A MAN, the Doctor obſerved, ſhould begin to
write ſoon; for, if he waits till his judgment is
matured, his inability, through want of practice
to express his conceptions, will make the difſpro-
portion ſo great between what he fees, and what he
can attain, that he will probably be diſcouraged
from writing at all. As a proof of the justneſs of
his remark, we may inſtance what is related of the
great Lord Granville; that after he had written
his letter, giving an account of the battle of Det-
tingen, he faid, “Here is a letter, expressed in
terms not good enough for a tallow-chandler to
have uſed.”

TALKING of a Court-martial that was fitting
upon a very momentous public occasion, he ex-
pressed much doubt of an enlightened decision; and
faid that, Perhaps there was not a member of it,
who in the whole course of his life, had ever ſpent
an hour by himſelf in balancing probabilities.

TALKING of Gray's Odes, he faid, "They are
forced plants, raifed in a hot-bed; and they are
poor plants; they are but cucumbers, after all."
A gentleman preſent, who had been running down
Ode-writing in general, as a bad ſpecies of
poetry, unluckily faid, "Had they been literally
cucumbers, they had been better things than
Odes."—"Yes, Sir, (faid Johnson) for a hog!"

His

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

31

His diſtinction of the different degrees of attain-
ment of learning was thus marked upon two
occasions. Of Queen Elizabeth he faid, “She
had learning enough to have given dignity to a
Bifhop :” and of Mr. Thomas Davies he faid,
“Sir, Davies has learning enough to give credit
to a clergyman.”

He uſed to quote, with great warmth, the ſay-
ing of Ariftotle recorded by Diogenes Laertius;
that there was the fame difference between one
learned and unlearned, as between the living and
the dead.

THOUGH the Doctor uſed to cenſure careleſſneſs
with great vehemence, he owned, that he once, to
avoid the trouble of locking up ſive guineas, hid
them, he forgot where, ſo that he could not find
them.

A GENTLEMAN who introduced his brother to
Dr. Johnson, was earneſt to recommend him to the
Doctor's notice, which he did by ſaying, "When
we have fat together ſome time, you'll find my
brother grow very entertaining."—"Sir, (faid
Johnson) I can wait."

GOLDSMITH had long a vifionary project, that
ſome time or other when his circumſtances ſhould
be easier, he would go to Aleppo, in order to ac-
quire a knowledge as far as might be, of any arts
peculiar to the Eaſt, and introduce them into
Britain. When this was talked of in Dr. John-
fon's company, he faid, "Of all men Goldsmith
is the moſt unfit to go out upon ſuch an inquiry,
for he is utterly ignorant of ſuch arts as we already
poffeſs,

32 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

poffes, and consequently could not know what
would be acceffions to our preſent ſtock of mecha-
nical knowledge. Sir, he would bring home a
grinding-barrow, which you ſee in every ſtreet in
London, and think that he had furniſhed a won-
derful improvement.”

It is well known that there was formerly a rude
custom for those who were failing upon the
Thames, to accoſt each other as they paffed in the
moſt abuſive language they could invent, gene-
rally however with as much fatirical humour as
they were capable of producing. Addifon gives
a ſpecimen of this ribaldry, in Number 383 of
“ The Spectator,” when Sir Roger de Coverley
and he are going to Spring-Garden. Johnſon
was once eminently ſuccesſul in this ſpecies of
contest; a fellow having attacked him with ſome
coarſe raillery, Johnſon anſwered thus, “ Sir,
your wife (under pretence of keeping a bawdy-
houſe) is a receiver of ſtolen-goods.”

As Johnſon always allowed the extraordinary
talents of Mr. Burke, ſo Mr. Burke was fully ſen-
fible of the wonderful powers of Johnſon. Mr.
Langton recollects having paffed an evening with
both of them, when Mr. Burke repeatedly entered
upon topics which it was evident he would have
illustrated with extenſive knowledge and richneſs
of expreſſion; but Johnſon always ſeized upon
the converſation, in which, however, he acquitted
himſelf in a moſt masterly manner. As Mr.
Burke and Mr. Langton were walking home, Mr.
Burke obſerved that Johnſon had been very great
that night; Mr. Langton joined in this, but
added, he could have wiſhed to hear more from
another

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

33

another person; (plainly intimating that he meant
Mr. Burke). “ O, no, (said Mr. Burke) it is
enough for me to have rung the bell to him !”

A FRIEND of mine (said the Doctor) came to
me and told me, that a lady wiſhed to have Dodd's
picture in a bracelet, and aſked me for a motto.
I ſaid, I could think of no better than Currat Lex:
I was very willing to have him pardoned, that is,
to have the ſentence changed to transportation :
but, when he was once hanged, I did not wiſh he
ſhould be made a Saint.

CHYMISTRY was always an intereſting purſuit
with Dr. Johnſon. Whilſt he was in Wiltshire,
he attended ſome experiments that were made by
a phyſician at Salisbury, on the new kinds of air.
In the course of the experiments, frequent mention
being made of Dr. Prieſtley, Dr. Johnſon knit
his brows, and in a ſtern manner enquired,
“ Why do we hear ſo much of Dr. Prieſtley?”

MR. Bofwell once regretted that Goldsmith
would, upon every occafion, endeavour to ſhine,
by which he often expofed himſelf; and Mr.
Langton obſerved, that he was not like Addifon,
who was content with the fame of his writings,
and did not aim alſo at excellency in converſation,
for which he found himſelf unſit; and that he
ſaid to a lady, who complained of his having
talked little in company, “ Madam, I have but
nine-pence in ready money, but I can draw for a
thouſand pounds.” Mr. Bofwell obſerved, that
Goldsmith had a great deal of gold in his cabinet,
but, not content with that, was always taking out
his purſe. “ Yes, Sir, (said Johnſon) and that
ſo often an empty purſe!”

F

Goldsmith's

36

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

importance, that life must be staked to atone for them, though in reality they are not so. A body that has received a very fine polish may be easily hurt. Before men arrive at this artificial refinement, if one tells his neighbour he lies, his neighbour tells him he lies; if one gives his neighbour a blow, his neighbour gives him a blow: but in a state of highly polished society, an affront is held to be a serious injury. It must, therefore, be refented, or rather a duel must be fought upon it; as men have agreed to banish from their society one who puts up with an affront without fighting a duel. Now, Sir, it is never unlawful to fight in self-defence. He, then, who fights a duel, does not fight from passion against his antagonist, but out of self-defence; to avert the stigma of the world, and to prevent himfelf from being driven out of society. I could wifh that there was not that superfluity of refinement; but while fuch notions prevail, no doubt a man may lawfully fight a duel."

Let it be remembered, that this justification is applicable only to the perfon who receives an affront. All mankind must condemn the aggression.

The General faid, that when he was a very young man, only fifteen, serving under Prince Eugene of Savoy, he was fitting in a company at table with a Prince of Wirtemberg. The Prince took up a glafs of wine, and, by a fillip, made fome of it fly in Oglethorpe's face. Here was a nice dilemma. To have challenged him instantly, might have fixed a quarrelfome character upon the young foldier: to have taken no notice of it, might have been confidered as cowardice. Oglethorpe, therefore, keeping his eye upon the Prince,

JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS.

37

Prince, and smiling all the time, as if he took what his Highnefs had done in jeft, faid, "*Mon Prince*, that's a good joke; but we do it much better in England;" and threw a whole glafs of wine in the Prince's face. An old General who fat by, faid, "*I'l a bien fait, mon Prince, vous l'avez commencé*;" and thus all ended in good humour.

JOHNSON, one evening at the Crown and Anchor tavern, was vehement against old Dr. Mounfey, of Chelfea College, as "a fellow who fwore and talked bawdy." "I have been often in his company, (faid Dr. Percy) and never heard him fwear or talk bawdy." Mr. Davies, who fat next to Dr. Percy, having after this had fome converfation afide with him, made a discovery which, in his zeal to pay court to Dr. Johnfon, he eagerly proclaimed aloud from the foot of the table: "*O, Sir, I have found out a very good reafon why Dr. Percy never heard Mounfey fwore or talk bawdy; for he tells me, he never faw him but at the Duke of Northumberland's table.*" "And so, Sir, (faid Johnfon loudly, to Dr. Percy) you would fholder this man from the charge of fwearing and talking bawdy, becaufe he did not do so at the Duke of Northumberland's table. Sir, you might as well tell us that you had feen him hold up his hand at the Old Bailey, and he neither fwore nor talked bawdy; or that you had feen him in the cart at Tyburn, and he neither fwore nor talked bawdy. And is it thus, Sir, that you prefume to controvert what I have related?" Dr. Johnfon's animadverfion was uttered in fuch a manner, that Dr. Percy feemed to be difpleafed, and soon afterwards left the company.

MR.

40 JOHNSON'S WITTICISMS

civilised nations, have fettled it upon a plain in a variable principle. A man is born to hereditary rank; or his being appointed to certain offices, gives him a certain rank. Subordination tends greatly to human happineſs. Were we all upon an equality, we ſhould have no other enjoyment than mere animal pleafure."

WHEN giving Mr. Bofwell advice as to his travels, Dr. Johnson did not dwell upon cities, and palaces, and pictures, and ſhews, and Arcadian ſcenes. He was of Lord Effex's opinion, who adviſes his kinfman Roger Earl of Rutland, " rather to go an hundred miles to ſpeak with one wife man, than five miles to fee a fair town."

Mr. Ogilvie, a Scotch clergyman, was unlucky enough one evening, at the Mitre tavern, to choose for the topic of his converſation the praifes of his native country. He began with ſaying, that there was very rich land round Edinburgh. Goldsmith, who had ſtudied phyſic there, contradicted this, very untruly, with a ſneering laugh. Diſconcerted a little by this, Mr. Ogilvie then took new ground, where he thought himſelf perfectly ſafe; for he obſerved, that Scotland had a great many noble wild ſpřſpects. Johnson. " I believe, Sir, you have a great many. Norway, too, has noble wild ſpřſpects; and Lapland is remarkable for prodigious noble wild ſpřſpects. But, Sir, let me tell you, the nobleft ſpřſpect which a Scotchman ever ſees, is the high road that leads him to England!" This unexpected and pointed ſally produced a roar of applaſe.

DR.

## DR. JOHNSON'S
CONVERSATION
WITH
THE KING.

IN February, 1767, there happened one of the most remarkable incidents of Johnson's life, which gratified his *monarchical* enthufiaſm, and which he loved to relate with all its circumſtances, when requeſted by his friends. This was his being honoured by a private converſation with his Majesty, in the library at the Queen's houſe. He had frequently viſited that ſplendid rooms and noble collection of books, which he uſed to ſay was more numerous and curious than he ſuppoſed any perſon could have made in the time which the King had employed. Mr. Barnard, the librarian, took care that he ſhould have every accommodation that could contribute to his eafe and convenience, while indulging his literary taſte in that place; ſo that he had here a very agreeable reſource at leifure hours.

His Majesty having been informed of his oc-
cafional viſits, was pleafed to ſignify a deſire that
he ſhould be told when Dr. Johnson came next to
the library. Accordingly, the next time that

G

Johnson

42 JOHNSON'S CONVERSATION

Johnfon did come, as soon as he was fairly en-
gaged with a book, on which, while he sat by the
fire, he seemed quite intent, Mr. Barnard stole
round to the apartment where the King was, and,
in obedience to his Majefsty's commands, men-
tioned that Dr. Johnfon was then in the library.
His Majefsty said he was at leisure, and would go
to him; upon which Mr. Barnard took one of the
candles that stood on the King's table, and lighted
his Majefsty through a suite of rooms, till they
came to a private door into the library, of which
his Majefsty had the key. Being entered, Mr.
Barnard stepped forward haftily to Dr. Johnfon,
who was still in a profound study, and whispered
him, "Sir, here is the King." Johnfon started
up, and stood still. His Majefsty approached him,
and at once was courteously eaten.

His Majesty began by observing, that he under-
flood he came sometimes to the library; and then
mentioning his having heard that the Doctor had
been lately at Oxford, asked him if he was not
fond of going thither. To which Johnfon an-
swered, that he was indeed fond of going to Ox-
ford sometimes, but was likewise glad to come
back again. The King then asked him what
they were doing at Oxford. Johnfon answered,
he could not much commend their diligence, but
that in some respects they were mended, for they
had put their prefs under better regulations, and
were at that time printing Polybius. He was
then asked whether there were better libraries at
Oxford or Cambridge. He answered, he believed
the Bodleian was larger than any they had at
Cambridge; at the same time adding, "I hope,
whether we have more books or not than they
have

WITH THE KING.

43

have at Cambridge, we shall make as good use
of them as they do." Being asked whether All-
Souls or Christ-Church library was the largest,
he answered, "All-Souls library is the largest we
have, except the Bodleian." "Aye, (said the
King) that is the public library."

His Majefsty enquired if he was then writing
any thing. He anfwered, he was not, for he had
pretty well told the world what he knew, and must
now read to acquire more knowledge. The King,
as it should seem with a view to urge him to rely
on his own stores as an original writer, and to
continue his labours, then said, "I do not think
you borrow much from any body." Johnfon
said, he thought he had already done his part as
a writer. "I should have thought so too, (said
the King) if you had not written so well."—
Johnfon obferved to Mr. Bofwell, upon this, that
"No man could have paid a handfomer compli-
ment; and it was fit for a King to pay. It
decisive." When asked by another friend, at Sir
Jofhua Reynolds's, whether he made any reply to
this high compliment, he anfwered, "No, Sir.
When the King had said it, it was to be so. It
was not for me to bandy civilities with my love-
reign." Perhaps no man who had spent his whole
life in courts could have shewn a more nice and
dignified sense of true politenefs, than Johnfon
did in this instance.

His Majefsty having obferved to him that he
fuppoſed he muſt have read a great deal; John-
fon anſwered, that he thought more than he read;
that he had read a great deal in the early part of
his life, but having fallen into ill health, he
had not been able to read much, compared with

G 2

others;

44 JOHNSON'S CONVERSATION

others: for instance, he said he had not read much compared with Dr. Warburton. Upon which the King said, that he heard Dr. Warburton was a man of such general knowledge, that you could scarce talk with him on any subject on which he was not qualified to speak; and that his learning resembled Garrick's acting, in its universality. His Majesty then talked of the controversy between Warburton and Lowth, which he seemed to have read, and asked Johnson what he thought of it. Johnson answered, "Warburton has most general, most scholastic learning; Lowth is the more correct scholar. I do not know which of them calls names best." The King was pleased to say he was of the same opinion; adding, "You do not think then, Dr. Johnson, that there was much argument in the cafe," Johnson said, he did not think there was, "Why truly, (said the King) when once it comes to calling names, argument is pretty well at an end."

His Majesty then asked him what he thought of Lord Lyttelton's History, which was then just published. Johnson said, he thought his style pretty good, but that he had blamed Henry the Second rather too much. "Why, (said the King) they seldom do these things by halves." "No, Sir, (answered Johnson) not to Kings." But fear-ing to be misunderstood, he proceeded to explain himself; and immediately subjoined, "That for those who spoke worse of Kings than they deferved, he could find no excuse, but that he could more easily conceive how some might speak better of them than they deferved, without any ill intention; for, as Kings had much in their power

to

WITH THE KING.

45

to give, those who were favoured by them would frequently, from gratitude, exaggerate their praifes; and as this proceeded from a good motive, it was certainly excusable, as far as error could be excusable."

The King then asked him what he thought of Dr. Hill. Johnson answered, that he was an ingenious man, but had no veracity; and immediately mentioned, as an instance of it, an affertion of that writer, that he had seen objects magnified to a much greater degree by using three or four microscopes at a time, than by using one. "Now, (added Johnson) every one acquainted with microscopes knows, that the more of them he looks through, the less the object will appear." "Why, (replied the King) this is not only telling an untruth, but telling it clumsily; for, if that be the case, every one who can look through a microscope will be able to detect him."

"I now, (said Johnson to his friends, when relating what had passed) began to consider that I was depreciating this man in the estimation of his sovereign, and thought it was time for me to say something that might be more favourable." He added, therefore, that Dr. Hill was, notwithstanding, a very curious observer; and if he would have been contented to tell the world no more than he knew, he might have been a very confiderable man, and needed not to have recourse to such mean expedients to raise his reputation.

The King then talked of literary journals, mentioned particularly the *Journal des Savans*, and asked Johnson if it was well done. Johnson said, it was formerly very well done, and gave some account of the persons who began it, and carried it

48 JOHNSON'S CONVERSATION, &c.

ly suspected that he was fretting with chagrin and
envy at the singular honour Dr. Johnson had lately
enjoyed. At length, the franknefs and simplicity
of his natural character prevailed. He sprung
from the sopha, advanced to Johnson, and in a
kind of flutter, from imagining himself in the
situation which he had just been hearing defcribed,
exclaimed, "Well, you acquitted yourself in
this conversation better than I should have done;
for I should have bowed and flammered through
the whole of it."

MISCEL.

MISCELLANEOUS PIECES,
BON MOTS, &c.

FROM VARIOUS AUTHORS.

BARRETTI'S QUARREL WITH DR. JOHNSON.

IT is well known that Omai, the native of
Otaheite, learnt to play at chef's wharf; he was
in London. As his proficiency in this game
was the cause of Mr. Barrettti's dropping the
acquaintance of Dr. Johnson, after having culti-
vated it above thirty years, the relation of it, in
Mr. Barrettti's own words, is here inferted, ex-
tracted from his Tolendron.

"My story may be a leſſon to eager mortals
to miſtraſt the duration of any worldly enjoy-
ment, as even the best cemented friendſhip,
which I confider as the moſt precious of earthly
bleſſings, is but a precarious one, and ſubject,
like all the reſt, to be blaſted away in an unex-
pected moment, by the capriciouſneſs of chance,
and by ſome one of thole trifling weakneſſes,
unaccountably engraſted even in the nobleft
minds that ever ſhewed to what a pitch human
nature may be elevated. About thirteen months
before Dr. Johnson went the way of all ſ flesh, my
viſits to him grew to be much leſs frequent than
they uſed to be, on account of my gout and other
inſirmities, which permitted not my going very
often

H

52

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

yet he had no sense of the shame, nor dread of the evils of poverty.

In his dealings with the booksellers, he is charged with having never fulfilled his engagements. In one year he got of them, and by his plays, a large sum, which he diffipated by gaming and extravagance, and died poor in 1774.

He was buried in the Poet's Corner, in Westminister Abbey, and the inscription on his monument was written by Johnson.

The Doctor used to say he could play on the German flute as well as most men; at other times, as well as any man living: but, in truth, he understood not the character in which music is written, and played on that instrument, as many of the vulgar do, merely by ear. Roubiliac, the sculptor, a merry fellow, once heard him play; and minding to put a trick on him, pretended to be charmed with his performance; as, also, that himself was killed in the art, and entreated him to repeat the air, that he might write it down. Goldsmith readily consenting, Roubiliac called for paper, and scored thereon a few five-lined staves, which having done, Goldsmith proceeded to play, and Roubiliac to write; but his writing was only such random notes on the lines and spaces, as any one might get down who had ever inspected a page of music. When they had both done, Roubiliac showed the paper to Goldsmith, who looking over it with feeming great attention, said it was very correct, and that if he had not seen him do it, he never could have believed his friend capable of writing music after him.

ANEC.

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

53

ANECDOTE OF DR. JOHNSON.

[Not inserted in Bofwell's Life of him.]

WHEN the Doctor first became acquainted with David Mallet, they once went with some other gentlemen, to laugh an hour at Bartholomew Fair.—At one of the booths was an amazing large bear, which the showman assured them was "catched in the undiscovered parts of the remoteft Ruffia."—The bear was muzzled, and might therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company, except Johnson, was very furly and ill-tempered:—of the Doctor he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him, and shewed every mark of aukward kindneſs. "How is it, (said one of the company) that this animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?"—"Because, (replied Mallet) he knows that Linnaeus could have claffed them together, as *two* animals of *one* species!"

The Doctor difliked Mallet for his tendency towards infidelity; and this farcaſm turned his diſlike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him afterwards, but has gibbeted his name in the octavo Dictionary, under the word ALIAS.

A MINISTER once observed in a circle of Courtiers, that nothing could be more ridiculous than the manner in which the Council of State assemble in some of the Negro nations. "In the council-chamber," said he, "are placed twelve large jars, half full of water. Twelve Fellows of State enter naked, and talking along with great gravity, each leaps into his jar, and immerſes

56 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTÉS.

true,” returned the Frenchman, “it is better to be
von dog in England, than von gentleman in Paris.”

A GENTLEMAN, not long since, passing through Lincoln's-inn-fields, overheard a man speaking very bad French; upon which he observed to an acquaintance with him, that the French ought in future to be classed amongst the dead languages. “Why so?” asked his friend. “Becaufe,” replied the gentleman, “it has been just murdered!”

A MAN, being at confession, accused himself of various fins, and among other things faid, that he had just given his wife a found drubbing. “Why did you do that, my son?” faid the Father Confessor. “I never go to confession,” replied the penitent, “but I do the fame thing; and if I omitted it, my confession would be of little confequence. In compliance with the orders of our holy mother church, I confess once a year; and as my memory is very defective, I should never recollect any thing I had done, unlefs I beat my wife, who is then fure to remind me of all the fins I have committed in the whole course of my life.”

MONSIEUR de Brancas, one of the attendants of the Queen-Dowager of Louis XIV. though extremely fond of his bride, did not fail, on his wedding-night, to go into the cold bath, according to his usual custom, and from thence to repair to his own apartment. But, as he was undressing, his Valet de Chambre could not refrain asking him how it happened that he flept alone, and not with his

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTÉS.

57

his bride. “Faith,” faid M. de Brancas, “I had quite forgotten that I was married !”

The fame gentleman, having one day attended his royal miftres to church, as he was kneeling before him, with her head bent very low, he miftook her back for a prie dieu, and very deliberately placed his knees upon it; at the fame time fixing his elbows on her shoulders, to the great aftonifhment of the Queen, and amufement of the congregation.

A BON vivant of fashion, lately on his death-bed, to which he was brought by an immoderateufe of wine, and other liquors, after having been seriously taken leave of by Dr. Pitcairn, (who has little pity for such kind of patients) and ingenuously told that he could not in all human probability survive twelve hours, which would be eight o'clock the next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the Doctor back into his preference, which having accomplished with difficulty, his loudest effort not exceeding a whisper, with the true spirit of an Epicurean philosopher he faid, “Doctor, I'll bet you a *bottle* I live till nine!”

THE Rev. Rowland Hill, when at College, was remarkable for the vivacity of his manners, and frequent wittiness of his observations. In a conversation on the powers of the letter H, where it was contended that it was no letter, but a fimple aspiration or breathing, Rowland took the opportunity of the question, and infiſted on its being, to all intents and purposes, a letter; and concluded by observing that, if it were not, it was

60 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES,

clination to purchase, “ will it be before they
are quite alive?”

A GENTLEMAN well known in the lottery world,
having become poffesed of property, nobody
knows how, had lately a concert at his houfe;
wisning to be thought a man of tafe, though he
knows nothing of muſic, when looking over one
of the performers, who had his violin under his
arm—“Why don’t you play?” faid he. “Sir,”
faid the muſician, pointing with his bow to
the book, “ here are so many bars of Reſt.”
“Damme, what do you mean by reſt? I pay
you to play, not to reſt!”

A METHODIST preacher being lately requesfed
to perform the laft offices for a dying fitter, very
earneſtly prefed on her to believe, as a prepara-
tive to the beatific state, that ſelsh and blood cannot
inherit the kingdom of heaven. “Then God be
praifed!” replied the poor patient, thankfully.
“I have been so long ailing, that I am nothing
now but ſkin and bone!”

IN the year 1734, the following odd combi-
nations occurred in the title of a pamphlet pub-
liſhed in this city: “ The deformity of fin cured;
a ſermon preached at St. Michael’s, Crooked-lane,
before the Prince of Orange, by the Rev. J. Crook-
ſhanks. Sold by Matthew Denton, at the Crooked
Billet, near Cripplegate, and by all other book-
ſellers.” The Prince of Orange was deformed in
perſon; and the words of the text were, Every
crooked path ſhall be made ſtrait.

AT

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

61

At the Sittings in laft Eafter Term, a caufe
being called on, where was no defence, the at-
torney on the part of the defendant, who was
known to be one of the sharp practitioners, had
given to counſel, for his brief, a plain ſheet of
paper; which was remarked by one in court, to
be the very firſt time he had ever given a fair
brief to counſel.

ONE of thofe sublime geniufes, whoſe chief
occupation confifts in wielding, with becoming
addrefs, that weapon or inſtrument called a razor,
lately received three eggs of a wonderful nature
from an acquaintance abroad; in order to propa-
gate their ſpecies, and raife his name to immor-
tality, he placed them under a hen, or more
properly placed the hen upon them, who being
averfe to the gratifying his defires, it became
neceffary to attempt unnatural means, in order
to deter the poor animal into a compliance:
which had ſo ſtrange an effect, that it funk
under the repeated ill treatment which it re-
ceived. A wag of an excifeman, hearing of the
affair, reviled the barber, and called him a paper-
ſcull ſon of a b-t-ch, for acting in ſuch an impru-
dent manner. This ſtung him more than the
former calamity. “ What do you mean, Sir?”
fays he; “ my ſcull is as thick as your’s, and
be d-mn’d to you!”

“ARRAH!” faid an Irifh ſeaman to his officer,
in conſequence of having made too free with a
kettle, “ can a thing be loft when one knows
where it is?” “No, Pat,” anſwered the officer,
“ Why then, by Jafus, Sir, your kettle is gone
into the ſea!”

A RUDE

64 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTÆS.

replied one of them, " if our wine had not been
exhausted, we should have done worse; we should
have affaffinated you !"

A BAD painter having turned physician, was
afked what made him change his profession;—
"I thought it beſt," faid he, "to purfue that
whose blunders are hidden *under-ground* !"

A LADY once afking a French Ambaffador who
had refided a long time in Poland, whether it was
true that the Polifh ladies were as white and as
cold as the ſnow which covered their plains; he
replied, "It is ſo true, Madam, that I have often
*caught cold* by converſing with them !"

A FARMER going to the vicar of the parifh to
borrow a few bufhels of corn, was told to take
the key of the granary and help himſelf. But
he ſoon returned and told the vicar there was no
corn there—" It is your fault then," replied
the paſtor, "for if you had brought back what
you borrowed of me laſt year, you would have
found it there now."

MONSIEUR de Norcarmes, who made a conſtant
practice of abufing the fair-fex, was one day
amufing himſelf with enlarging on his favourite
topic in the prefence of Monsieur de Caubaque;
when he maintained, that there did not exift a
woman who had not violated the laws of modetly
and virtue—" If this be true," faid Monsieur de
Caubaque, " you muſt then acknowledge that
you are auckold and the ſon of a w—e."

A POOR

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

65

A POOR French Nobleman being advifed to
place two of his daughters in a convent, that they
might become nuns, "My children," faid he,
"are well diſpoſed to take the veil, but, un-
fortunately, they are not rich enough to make a
vow of *poverty*."

A CATHOLIC prieſt, preaching on Eafter Sunday,
faid—" That our Saviour at his refurrection ap-
peared firſt to the two Mary's, that the important
news being firſt made known to women, might
be ſpread with the greater rapidity over the face
of the earth."

THE celebrated Scarron wrote a copy of verſes,
to which he prefixed a dedication in theſe words
—"A Guillemette, *chienne... ma fœur*—To Guil-
lemette, my ſifter's bitch." Some time after,
when he was about to collect his poems for re-
publication, having quarrelled with his ſifter, he
inſerted among the errata, "For *Chienne de ma
fœur*, read, *ma chienne de fœur*—For my ſifter's
bitch, *read*, my bitch of a ſifter !"

AT a country ſermon preached before a crouded
congregation, it was remarked that every body
ſhed tears except one peafant, who on being afked
why he was not as much affected as the reſt,
gravely anſwered, "Because I am not of this
parifh !"

AFTER a ſplendid dinner at the London Tavern,
one day laſt year, the chairman gave the ufual
toaſt of the *Adelphi*, in allufion to the royal
brothers; when a certain City Knight, who was
prefent, when it came to his turn to give a toaſt,
faid

K

66 MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

said with great gravity, “Mr. Chairman, as we are giving public buildings, I'll give you my house at Taunton!”

A FARMER told his wife that he was credibly informed there was but one man in all the village who was not arutold—“And who do you think that one is, my dear?” said he—“Faith, huf-band,” replied the woman, “I can’t for my life imagine who it can poffibly be!”

AN officer being wounded in the head, by a mu-fquet-shot, at the fiage of Rochelle, the fur-geons, who applied the firft dressing, told him that the wound was very dangerous, and that they faw his brains. “Oh,” said he, “gentlemen, take out a few of them I befeech you, and fend them to Cardinal Richelieu, who has told me a hundred times a day, that I never had any brains.”

A GENTLEMAN at Carthagena faid one morning gravely to his friend, “Before I go to ret this night, the whole city will be thrown into con-fusion.” This he himfelf occafioned by going home an hour before his ufual time, to the no fmall vexation of his wife and of her cortejo, whole precipitate retreat, and unexpected arrival in his own house, occafioned the like confufion there; and thus, by fucceffive and similar ope-rations, was literally fulfilled the prediction of the morning.

THE effect of muſic on the ſenſes was oddly and wonderfully verified, during the late mourn-ing for the Duke of Cumberland. A taylor had a great

a great number of black ſuits, which were to be finifhed in a very ſhort ſpace of time—among his workmen, there was a fellow who was always finging Rule Britannia, and the reſt of the jour-neymen joined in the chorus—The taylor made his obſervations, and found that the flow time of the tune retarded the work; in conſequence, he engaged a blind fiddler, and placing him near the workſhop, made him play conſtantly the lively tune of Nancy Dawson. The deſign had the proper effect—the taylors elbows moved obe-dient to the melody, and the cloaths were ſent home within the preſcribed period.

CHARLES Fox told an infolent fellow, “he would kick him to hell.”—“If you do,” faid the other, “I will tell your father how you are ſquandering his money.”

WHEN Charles Bannifter was gudgeon ſithing with Mr. Wynn, at Wargrave, he addreſſed the boatman, “Are you married?”—“Yes, your honour.”—“Don’t your wife ſcold you?”—“No, your honour; why ſhould ſhe?”—“Be-cause you’re out raking all day!”

IN the summer of 1786, as Mrs. Hitchcock’s ſervant maid, of Crow-street Theatre, Dublin, was following her miſtrefs on a cart to Cork, where ſhe had gone a few days before, to join Mr. Daly’s company, ſhe was ſurrounded by three ruffians, on a mountain between Clonmel and Cork, who brutally ravifhed the poor crea-ture: when ſhe arrived at the Theatre, the de-fpoiled wench ran immediately to her miſtrefs behind the ſcenes, and told the diſmal tale: at

K 2

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES. 67

68

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

the conclusion of the story, Mrs. Hitchcock, who was then dressed for the Queen in Hamlet, bridling up her head, exclaimed with much formality, in the language of Shakefpear, “Aye, it had been so with us, had we been there!”

WHEN the School for Scandal was performing at Drury-lane Theatre with uncommon applause the first reason, Cumberland fat in the stage-box, and was observed never to smile at any of the good things which the author had put into the mouths of the scenic personages. When the comedy was concluded, he improperly remarked he was much surprised that the audience should laugh so moderately at what could not make him smile. As there are social traitors in all circles, this farcasm was conveyed to Sheridan, who very coolly observed, that Cumberland was truly ungrateful, for not smiling at the comedy, as he had seen a tragedy of Cumberland's, at Covent-garden Theatre, but a fortnight before, and had laughed from the beginning to the end!

WHEN Sir Francis Bacon was newly advanced to the Great Seal, Count Gondamor came to visit him, and to compliment him on the honour conferred on him. My Lord replied, That he was to thank God and the King for that dignity; but yet so he might be rid of the burthen, he could very willingly forbear the honour; and that he formerly had a desire, and the fame continued with him still, to lead a private life. “Now,” said Count Gondomar, “I will tell your Lordship a tale of an old rat, that would needs leave the world, and therewith acquainted the young rats that he would retire into his hole and spend his

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES.

69

his days solitarily, and would enjoy no more comfort; commanding them, upon his high diffidence, not to offer to come in unto him. In obedience to this command, they forbare two or three days; at last one that was more hardy than the rest, incited some of his fellows to go in with him, and he would venture to see how his father did, for he might be dead. They accordingly went in, and found the old rat fitting in the midft of a rich Parmesan cheese!—My Lord laughed; but his necessities, after that employment, accor'd not with the fable.

LORD Lonsdale being lately about to enclose a large common which had been very beneficial to the surrounding poor, was one day, with the aid of his steward, casting up the expence of pofts, railing, &c. when a Noble Lord, who was present, observed to him, That he was overdoing the matter; for he need only reckon upon pofts, as all the neighbourhood would find him railing!

IN Queen Elizabeth's time, when tilts and tournaments, and running at the ring was much in fashion, there came a gentleman dressed in orange tawny, and ran extremely ill; the next day he came again, arrayed in green, and ran still worse; when one of the lookers on asked another, “What is the reason that this gentleman changes his colours?” “Why,” anfwered the other, “I think, because it may be reported that the gentleman in the green ran worse than the gentleman in the orange tawny!”

LORD M***f***d, of rotten finances, one day ordered a hat from the celebrated Bob Barraty, of Leadenhall-

72

MISCELLANEOUS ANECDOTES

amongst dogs; he has not the sagacity of the hound, the docility of the spaniel, nor the courage of the bull-dog; yet he is still a pretty fellow.

OF Foote's wit and readiness of repartee he thought very highly—he was, says he, the readiest dog at an escape I ever knew: if you thought you had him on the ground fairly down, he was upon his legs and over your shoulders again in an instant.

WHEN some one asked him, whether they should introduce Hugh Kelly, the author, to him—No, Sir, says he; I never desire to converse with a man who has written more than he has read:—yet when his play was acted for the benefit of his widow, Johnson furnished a prologue.

HE said, that when he first conversed with Mr. Bruce, the Abyssinian traveller, he was very much inclined to believe he had been there; but that he had afterwards altered his opinion.

ONE day, on seeing an old terrier lie asleep by the fire-side at Streatham, he said, Prefto, you are, if possible, a more lazy dog than I am.

FINIS