PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB, HONORABLE MEMBERS OF THE
DAIS,

I AM DEEPLY MOVED BY YOUR OVATION FOR TWO REASONS:
AS FAR AS THE MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION PRESENT
HERE ARE CONCERNED, I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO APPLAUD
AND SHRUG YOUR SHOULDERS AT THE SAME TIME.

AND FOR THE REST OF YOU: IF MY ESTIMATE OF THE QUALITY
OF MY TALK IS ACCURATE YOU SHOULD HAVE REMAINED STANDING.
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED YOU ABOUT 23 UPS AND DOWNS IN THE NEXT
FEW MINUTES.

FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT I ACCEPT
YOUR NOMINATION TO STEP INTO THE SNEAKERS OF JIMMY CARTER.

IT IS A GREAT CHALLENGE TO CARRY THE BANNER OF THE
ALFALFA PARTY WHOSE IDENTITY, PRINCIPLES AND IDEAS ARE LARGELY
UNKNOWN BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE....MUCH LIKE THOSE OF THE
REPUBLICANS.

I WILL TRY TO PROVE MYSELF WORTHY OF YOUR CONFIDENCE
KNOWING THAT I AM NOT YOUR FIRST CHOICE; YOU COULD NOT
AFFORD BILLY CARTER.

-2-

[y]

BUT...WE HAVE A PROBLEM. AS YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO SERVE AS PRESIDENT. YOU MAY REPLY: THAT IS NOT AN INSUPERABLE OBSTACLE SINCE SO MANY HAVE SERVED WITHOUT BEING QUALIFIED. OR YOU MIGHT ARGUE THAT WITH THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND THREE ASSOCIATE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES HERE ALL WE NEED IS TO ENROLL ONE MORE JUSTICE IN THE ALFALFA CLUB TO MAKE OUR OWN DECISION ABOUT WHAT IS LEGAL.

BUT I DO NOT WANT TO CUT ANY CORNERS. WE SHOULD DO THIS THING RIGHT. TWO SOLUTIONS HAVE OCCURRED TO ME:

TO MEET THE CONSTITUTIONAL REQUIREMENT OF BEING NATIVE BORN I COULD -- LIKE OTHER DISTINGUISHED PUBLIC FIGURES -- BE BORN

AGAIN

THERE IS ANOTHER POSSIBILITY -- FRANKLY MORE CONGENIAL TO ME. I AM SURE THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND HIS COLLEAGUES ARE PREPARED TO RULE HERE AND NOW THAT NOTHING IN THE CONSTITUTION PROHIBITS A FOREIGN BORN FROM SERVING AS EMPEROR.

IT WOULD BE HIGHLY APPROPRIATE IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR

-3-

[Y]

WAY CLEAR TO GIVING ME THAT NOMINATION FOR IT WOULD ENABLE
ME TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY HERO, BOKASSA THE
FIRST.

YOU WILL BE PROUD OF HAVING BROKEN WITH TRADITION.
IT WOULD LAY TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL THE CRITICISMS OF
THE IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY. NOT EVEN THE WASHINGTON POST
WOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK AN EMPEROR FOR BEING IMPERIAL.

EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, JUST IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LOOK
IN THE OUTFIT BOKASSA WORE TO HIS INAUGURATION: A SEQUINED
ERMINE CLOAK WITH A 24-FOOT TRAIN AND A DIAMOND-STUDDED
CROWN. AND WITH ME THE OUTFIT WOULD NOT BE A ONE-TIME
EXPENSE. I WOULD EMPHATICALLY NOT WEAR IT TO THE INAUGURATION.
AFTER ALL, ONE DOES NOT COME TO AN INAUGURATION IN ONE'S
WORKING CLOTHES.

THE PROSPECT IS SO AWE-INSPIRING THAT I STAND BEFORE YOU
A HUMBLE MAN.

BUT GIVE ME A MINUTE OR TWO AND I WILL TALK MYSELF
BACK TO NORMAL.

-4-

DESPITE YOUR FLATTERY TONIGHT, MY NAME HAS BEEN
TAKEN IN VAIN BY PREVIOUS ALFALFA CANDIDATES. LAST YEAR
NELSON ROCKEFELLER STOOD ON THIS VERY SPOT AND SAID
"HENRY KISSINGER WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. WHY
SHOULD HENRY TAKE A CUT IN INFORMATION?" I HAVE FORGIVEN
NELSON FOR THAT.

TWO YEARS AGO ALFALFA CANDIDATE JOHN CONNALLY TOLD
OF HOW HE LIKED TO WATCH HENRY
KISSINGER
STRIDE MAJESTICALLY AS THE MARINE BAND PLAYED
"HEIL TO THE CHIEF." I HAVE FORGIVEN JOHN FOR THAT.

THREE YEARS AGO, FROM THIS PODIUM, YOUR ALFALFA
CANDIDATE GEORGE BUSH ACCEPTED YOUR NOMINATION. HE NEVER
MENTIONED ME AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE GEORGE FOR THAT.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY TO
SEEK TO REPLACE SUCH A YOUNG ADMINISTRATION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE THE HIGHEST RESPECT FOR THE
INCUMBENT PRESIDENT....ON THURSDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT CARTER

-5-

[y]

WENT BEFORE THE JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS AND PROMISED US HEAVEN ON EARTH. THE MOST PARTISAN AMONG US WILL HAVE TO ADMIT THAT HEAVEN WAS FALLING DOWN ON US FOR THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.

AND IT IS CHARACTERISTIC OF THE FORESIGHT OF THIS ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE ALL THOSE TRACTORS IN TOWN TO HELP US MOVE AROUND.

I WOULD LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE ALSO TO YET ANOTHER SINGULAR CONTRIBUTION OF OUR PRESIDENT. AS YOU KNOW PRESIDENT CARTER GAVE A FIRESIDE CHAT EARLY IN HIS ADMINISTRATION, WEARING A SWEATER....MAKING HIM THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY WHO STARTED HIS TERM BY PULLING THE WOOL OVER HIS OWN EYES.

SO I ENTER THIS CAMPAIGN WITH SOME RELUCTANCE. BUT I FEEL I GAVE THE NEW ADMINISTRATION THEIR CHANCE. ABOUT A YEAR AGO I OFFERED PRESIDENT CARTER THE BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE. BUT HE SENT BACK WORD THAT WHEN HE WENT DOWN ON HIS KNEES TO PRAY HE PREFERRED TO DO SO ALONE.

-6-

I CONFESS THAT I ORIGINALLY HAD GREAT HOPES FOR THE ADMINISTRATION: HERE WE HAD AN UPRIGHT MAN OF HIGH MORAL PRINCIPLE, SOFT SPOKEN, OF SIMPLE ORIGINS, DEVOTED TO IMPROVING THE PUBLIC WELL-BEING, DETERMINED TO LICK THE PROBLEM OF INFLATION AND JOBS....BUT THEN ARTHUR BURNS WAS FIRED.

BILL MILLER IS A GOOD CHOICE HOWEVER. AT FIRST BARRY GOLDWATER THOUGHT HE MIGHT MAKE A COMEBACK, TOO, UNTIL THEY EXPLAINED TO HIM WHICH BILL MILLER.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE PERSPICACITY OF A SELECTION SO CLEARLY IN THE CLASSIC AMERICAN MOLD.

I WAS BORN IN THE SOUTH GERMAN STATE OF BAVARIA, A REGION WHOSE NATIONAL HERO WAS KING LUDWIG THE MAD. HE WAS DONE IN BECAUSE HE BUILT TOO MANY CASTLES AND RAN OUT OF CASH. HE WOULD STILL BE KING HAD WORD REACHED HIM OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.