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[P]

AS YOU KNOW ALL BAVARIANS HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED BY THE PRUSSIAN MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA IN 1866. AS A MATTER OF FACT, THE PRUSSIANS AT ONE POINT THOUGHT OF SETTING FIRE TO MY NATIVE CITY BUT THEY NEVER GOT BEYOND THE BREWERY AT THE EDGE OF TOWN.

STILL THE MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA LEFT SUCH A LASTING IMPRESSION THAT WHEN I SAW GONE WITH THE WIND I WAS ASTONISHED TO FIND CLARK GABLE AND VIVIAN LEIGH SPEAKING ENGLISH.

WEN JIMAS A BAY
I WAS BORN IN A LOG CHALET WHERE I READ METTERNICH
AND OTHER GREAT AMERICANS BY THE LIGHT OF A KEROSENE LAMP.

I NEVER TOLD A LIE; I MAKE THIS POINT BECAUSE THE ACCENT WHERE I COME FROM IS SO STRANGE THAT FRANKLY PEOPLE DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW FOR SURE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

AT HARVARD I STUDIED ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND WHEN APPOINTED TO HIGH OFFICE I FOLLOWED HIS FAMOUS WORDS: "YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME"...FOR ALMOST EIGHT YEARS IN FACT.

Change the State Make Bavaria an American State

-8-

I LOOK BACK WITH PRIDE ON MY SERVICE AS SECRETARY OF STATE. I WILL NEVER FORGET MY LAST DAY IN OFFICE WHEN I TURNED IN MY COWBOY HAT, MY MASK AND MY HORSE.

I THEN WENT TO THE AUDITORIUM OF THE STATE DEPARTMENT TO A RECEPTION FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAD ENJOYED WORKING FOR ME. I WAS SO MOVED THAT I WALKED UP TO THE MAN AND SHOOK HIS HAND.

AS I ENTER THE CAMPAIGN, I HAVE ALREADY PLACED CALLS TO RECRUIT MY FORMER STAFF. I HAVEN'T REACHED ALL OF THEM YET....SOME OF THE INSTITUTIONS DO NOT ALLOW PATIENTS TO TAKE PERSONAL CALLS.

AS A CANDIDATE MY FIRST IMPORTANT DUTY OF COURSE IS TO CHOOSE A RUNNING MATE.

THE CANDIDATE FOR SUCH OFFICE MUST MEET THE INTELLECTUAL STANDARDS OF JEFFERSON, THE WISDOM OF ADAMS, THE POLITICAL SAVVY OF JOHNSON, THE INTEGRITY OF TRUMAN AND BE PREPARED TO UNDERTAKE CRITICAL DIPLOMATIC ASSIGNMENTS. I HAVE

-9-

CAREFULLY CONSIDERED THESE QUALIFICATIONS AND AM PROUD
TO ANNOUNCE THAT I WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT TOO. THIS
WILL HAVE THE VIRTUE OF CUTTING DOWN ATTENDANCE AT NSC
MEETINGS, SINCE I WILL ALSO BE MY OWN SECRETARY OF
STATE AND DEFENSE.

MY CAMPAIGN WILL BE CONDUCTED WITH DIGNITY. THERE
IS TOO MUCH OF A TENDENCY TO TAKE POTSHOTS AT THE PRESIDENT,
TO ATTEMPT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM, TO EMBARRASS HIS ADMINISTRA-\TION. I WILL NOT DO THAT. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO COMPETE
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF....

I CONSIDER THE CAMPAIGN SO IMPORTANT THAT I WILL
EVEN INTERRUPT THE WRITING OF MY MEMOIRS. MY MEMOIRS WERE
TO BE CALLED STAR WARS. BUT THEN SOME MOVIE PRODUCER STOLE
THE TITLE.

I WILL TELL ALL LEAVING OUT NOTHING -- I HAVE EVEN
RESERVED A FOOTNOTE FOR ANY MISTAKES I MAY HAVE MADE. I HAVE
ALREADY WRITTEN 500 PAGES AND I AM NOT EVEN THROUGH MY
BACHELOR DAYS YET.

-10-

I HAVE BEGUN PREPARING FOR THE DEBATES. LET'S SEE....
POLAND HAS A FREE PRESS -- OR DOES IT PRESS THE FREE?
IT IS DOMINATED BY RUSSIA OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
IN FACT A FEW MORE PRESIDENTIAL STATEMENTS AND POLAND WILL
BE THE FREEST COUNTRY ON EARTH AND POLES WILL BE TELLING
AMERICAN JOKES.

LET'S FACE IT....IF WE ARE TO WAGE AN EFFECTIVE ALFALFA
CAMPAIGN TO WIN THE OVAL OFFICE, WE MUST FIRST ASSESS
THE OPPOSITION. WHO WILL RUN AGAINST ME? ON THE DEMOCRATIC
SIDE WE HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT CARTER CAN'T COPE. BUT YOU CAN'T
ALWAYS BELIEVE BOB BYRD WHO WOULD SAY ANYTHING TO GET A
DEMOCRAT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. AND THE CRITICISM IS ALSO
UNFAIR. PRESIDENT CARTER HAS THE BEST RELATIONS WITH CONGRESS
OF ANY SOUTHERN PRESIDENT SINCE JEFFERSON DAVIS.

I HAVE ALSO HEARD THAT PRESIDENT CARTER IS NO LONGER
INTERESTED IN THE JOB....THAT HE DOES NOT INTEND TO RUN FOR
REELECTION, THAT HE PLANS TO STEP ASIDE AND SUPPORT WALTER

---11---

MONDALE. BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE WALTER MONDALE.
ACTUALLY I WAS NOT TOLD THAT BY WALTER MONDALE. I
HAPPENED TO OVERHEAR HIM PRAYING,

ANOTHER STORY I HAVE HEARD IS THAT EVEN WALTER
MONDALE DOESNOT INTEND TO RUN BECAUSE THE HOLIDAY INNS
AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH FOR HIM.
BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE JERRY BROWN.

BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT JERRY BROWN HAS A PROBLEM.
IF HE BECOMES A CANDIDATE HE MAY INSIST THAT THE RESULTS OF
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE ARE ANNOUNCED BY THE COLOR OF SMOKE
FROM A CHIMNEY.

SPEAKING OF JERRY BROWN, CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MAY THINK,
JERRY BROWN HAS SEEN PRESIDENT CARTER MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST
YEAR. JERRY'S OTHER FAVORITE ON TELEVISION IS CAPTAIN KANGAROO.

ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE THERE ARE CONSTANT FEARS THAT THE
PARTY IS DYING. THESE STORIES HAVE NO FOUNDATION IN FACT.
THE YOUNG REPUBLICANS HAVE JUST HAD A TREMENDOUS SPURT IN
MEMBERSHIP WHEN THEY RAISED THEIR MINIMUM AGE TO 70.

-12-

AND THERE ARE IN ANY EVENT QUITE A FEW REPUBLICANS.
IN 1976 AT THE CONVENTION IN KANSAS CITY THERE WERE 15
THOUSAND REPUBLICANS. AND WHAT MAKES THIS FIGURE TRULY
IMPRESSIVE IS THAT FOR EVERYONE OF THEM THERE WAS ANOTHER
REPUBLICAN BACK HOME.

THE LIST OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IS LONGER: JERRY
FORD, RONALD REAGAN, JOHN CONNALLY, BARRY GOLDWATER, HOWARD
BAKER, BOB DOLE.

I HONESTLY DON'T BELIEVE JERRY FORD WANTS THE JOB
AGAIN.... HE IS ENJOYING LIFE TOO MUCH AS A PRIVATE
CITIZEN.... BUMPING INTO ALL KINDS OF NEW FRIENDS.

RECENTLY HOWARD BAKER HAS BEEN MAKING GREAT STRIDES....
IN FACT HIS STRIDE IS NOW SO GREAT HE IS ABLE TO STAND
ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PANAMA CANAL.

AS FOR JOHN CONNALLY, I THINK ALL OF US KNOW HIM
AS A SHY, RETIRING AND SELF-EFFACING PUBLIC SERVANT.

-13-

THIS IS WHY HE WANTS IT CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD THAT HIS PRESENT SPEAKING TOUR IS ON BEHALF OF OTHER REPUBLICANS. TO LEAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS HE HAS DECLARED THAT IF NOMINATED HE WOULD BE RELUCTANT TO RUN, IF ELECTED HE MIGHT NOT SERVE, BUT IF BEGGED HE WOULD TAKE IT.

AS FOR BOB DOLE, HE HAS ALREADY AGREED TO GO ON TELEVISION TO DEBATE ALL OF HIS OPPONENTS, BE THEY REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS OR MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION.

AND NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW DANGEROUS HAIR DYE IS, WE WILL SOON SEE HOW MUCH RONALD REAGAN WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.

BUT I CAN ALWAYS MAKE HIM SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. HIS EXPERIENCE IN ALL THOSE WAR MOVIES SHOULD NOT BE WASTED.

-14-

FINALLY THERE IS CHUCK PERCY, WHO HAS NO INTENTION
WHATSOEVER OF RUNNING.... BUT I PROMISED CHUCK I'D MENTION
HIS NAME.

IN LEADING OUR GREAT ALFALFA PARTY TO VICTORY I WILL
NOT YIELD TO THE EXTREME RIGHT NOR WILL I YIELD TO THE
EXTREME LEFT BUT I WILL CARRY EVERY ALFALFAN DOWN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD WHERE WE HAVE SO OFTEN FAILED BEFORE.

OUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WILL BE: "LET'S MAKE BILLY CARTER
A ONE-TERM ENTERTAINER."

MY CAMPAIGN BOOK WILL BE "THE BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

I WILL REFUSE TO CATER TO THE PUBLIC CONVICTION THAT
ALL POLITICIANS SHOULD BE PERFECT. AFTER ALL, IT IS HARD
TO RAISE A SON WHO IS PERFECT. EVEN MISS LILLIAN ONLY
SUCCEEDED 50% OF THE TIME.

FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY PREDECESSOR, ON
INAUGURATION DAY I WOULD LIKE TO BE SWORN IN ON THAT
SPECIAL BIBLE OF MISS LILLIAN'S.... THE ONE WITH THE ADDITIONAL
CHAPTERS JIMMY WROTE.

-15-

DURING THE INAUGURATION CEREMONIES I WILL ALLOW NO PHOTOGRAPHERS. THERE WILL BE HOWEVER ONE ARTIST DOING AN OIL PAINTING. IT MAY SLOW UP THE PARADE BUT HISTORY WILL APPRECIATE IT.

WHEN YOU HEAR MY INAUGURATION SPEECH YOU WILL THRILL AT ALL THE PROMISES I AM GOING TO MAKE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. HEALTH CARE....WELFARE....SHORTER WORKING WEEKS.... AN END TO UNEMPLOYMENT....INCREASED SOCIAL SECURITY.... LOW INCOME TAXES....WELFARE....A BALANCED BUDGET....WELFARE.... BUT DON'T WORRY, BEFORE THE SPEECH I WILL MAKE SURE I AM GIVEN IMMUNITY.....BY MY NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL DAVID MARSTON.

I WILL RESTORE MY NEW OFFICE TO THE PEOPLE. I WILL STROLL ALL THE WAY FROM THE CAPITOL STEPS TO MY LIMOUSINE. I WILL BE ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO GREET DISTINGUISHED GUESTS WITH AN HONOR GUARD IN ELEGANT NEW UNIFORMS THAT I BELIEVE ARE STORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT.

-16-

ON ENTERING THE OVAL OFFICE I SHALL REMOVE THE SIGN "THE BUCK STOPS HERE" AND RETURN IT TO ITS ORIGINAL SOURCE, THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.

I WILL ALSO TAKE DOWN ALL THE PAINTINGS OF WELL-KNOWN DEMOCRATS. I HOPE RONALD REAGAN AND JOHN CONNALLY WON'T BE OFFENDED.

AS TO WORKING CONDITIONS WHEN I OCCUPY THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT TOLERATE THE CONSTANT PLAYING OF CLASSICAL MUSIC, FOR ON A RECENT VISIT TO THE WHITE HOUSE I NOTICED THE SELECTIONS ARE IN HARMONY WITH THE ADMINISTRATION'S LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENTS. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE POPULARITY OF THE UNFINISHED SYMPHONY.

WHEN I TAKE OFFICE EACH DAY THERE WILL BE FLAGS FLYING, BANDS PLAYING, PARADES, POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE....AFTER WHICH I SHALL SHOWER AND GO DOWN TO BREAKFAST.

I WANT TO JUDGED NOT BY WHAT I DO BUT HOW I EXPLAIN IT IN A BACKGROUNDER.