4

The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

YET, yet a moment, one dim Ray of Light
Indalge, dread Chaos and eternal Night!
Of Darkneſs viſible ſo much be lent,
As half to ſhew, half veil the deep Intent.

REMARKS.

The DUNCIAD, BOOK IV.] This Book may properly be diſtinguished from the former by the Name of the GREATER DUNCIAD, not ſo indeed in Size, but in Subjeſt; and ſo far contrary to the diſtinction anciently made of the Greater and Leſſer Iliad. But much are they miſtaken who imagine this Work in any wife inferior to the former, or of any other hand than of our Poet; of which I am much more certain, than that the Iliad itself was the Work of Solomon, or the Batrachomuomachia of Homer, as the learned Barnes hath affirmed. Nor is it imperſect or incorrect, ſave in ſome ſew places, which we ſhall remark.

SCRIBLERUS.

V. 1, &c.] This is an Invocation of much Piety.
The Poet willing to approve himſelf a genuine Son,
beginneth by ſhewing (what is ever agreeable to Dul-
neſs) his high Reſpect for Antiquity and a Great
Family, how dull, or dark ſoever: next declareth his
love for Mysſery and Obſcurity; and laſtly his Impa-
tience to be re-united to her.

SCRIBL.

V. 2. — dread Chaos and eternal Night! ] Invoked, as the Restoration of their Empire is the Action of the Poem, referring to the former books.

V. 4. — half to ſhew, half veil the deep Intent.]
This is a great propriety, for a dull Poet can never

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

5

Ye Powr's! whose Mysteries reſtor'd I ſing,
To whom Time bears me on his rapid wing,

5

REMARKS.

expreſs himself otherwife than by *halves* or imper-
fectly. There are ſome, I know, who understand it
very differently; as if the Author in this work had
indeed a *deep Intent*, that there were in it *Mysteries*
or *âπόειητα*, which he durſt not fully reveal, and
that in divers verſes (according to *Milton*)

— more is meant than meets the ear.

V. 6. To whom Time bears me on his rapid wing.] Fair and softly, good Poet! (cries the gentle Scriblerus on this place.) For ſure in ſpite of his unuſual modeſtly, he ſhall not travel ſo farth toward Oblivion, as divers others of more Confidence have done: For when I revolve in my mind the Catalogue of thofe who have the moſt boldly promifed to themſelves Immortality, viz. Pindar, Luis Gongora, Ronsard, Oldham, Lyricis; Lycophron, Statius, Chapman, Blackmore, Heroics; I find the one half to be already dead, and the other in utter darkneſs. But it becometh not us, who have taken upon us the office of Commentator, to ſuffer our Poet thus prodiigally to caſt away his Life; contrariwife, the more hidden and abſtruse is his work, and the more remote its beauties from common Understanding, the more is it our duty to draw forth and exalt the fame, in the face of Men and Angels. Herein ſhall we imitate the laudable Spirit of thofe, who have (for this very reaſon) delighted to comment on

B 3

6 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Suspend a while your Force inertly strong,
Then take at once the Poet and the Song.

'Twas when the Dog-star's unpropitious ray
Smote ev'ry Brain, and wither'd ev'ry Bay;
Sick was the Sun, the Owl forfook his bow'r,
The moon-ftruck Prophet felt the madding hour:
Then rose the Seed of Chaos, and of Night,
To blot out Order, and extinguish Light,
Of dull and venal a new World to mold,
And bring Saturnian days of Lead and Gold.

REMARKS.

the Fragments of *dark* and *uncouth* Authors, pre-
ferred *Ennius* to *Virgil*, and chofen to turn the dark
Lanthorn of *Lycophron*, rather than to trim the ever-
lafting Lamp of *Homer*.

*SCRIBL.*

V. 7. — *Force inertly strong.*] Alluding to the
*Vis inertiæ of Matter*, which, tho' it really be no
Power, is yet the Foundation of all the Qualities and
Attributes of that fluttish Substance.

V. 14. *To blot out Order, and extinguish Light.*]
The two great Ends of her Miffion; the one in qua-
lity of Daughter of *Chaos*, the other as Daughter of
*Night*. *Order* here is to be understood extenfively,
both as Civil and Moral, the diffinctions between
high and low in Society, and true and false in
Individuals: *Light*, as Intellectual only, Wit,
Science, Arts.

V. 15. Of dull and venal.] The Allegory con-
tinued; dull referring to the extinction of Light or
Science, venal to the deſtruction of Order, or the
Truth of Things.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

She mounts the Throne: her head a Cloud conceal'd,
In broad Effulgence all below reveal'd,
('Tis thus aspiring Dulneſs ever ſhines)
Soft on her lap her Laureat ſon reclines.

R. E. M. A. R. K S.

V. 15. — *a new World.*] In allusion to the
Epicurean opinion, that from the Diffolution of the
natural World into Night and Chaos, a new one
fshould arife; this the Poet alluding to, in the Pro-
duction of a new moral World, makes it partake
of its original Principles.

V. 16. Lead and Gold.] i. e. dull and venal.

V. 17. — her Head a Cloud conceal'd,
In broad Effulgence all below reveal'd.

It was the opinion of the Ancients, that the Divi-
nities manifested themselves to Men by their Back-
parts, Virg. Æn. I.

— & avertens, rosea cersice refulſit.

But this paſſage may admit of a more modern Expo-
fition, by the Adage, *The higher you climb,
the more you ſhem pour A—* Verify'd in
no Inſtance more than in Dulneſs aspiring: em-
blematized alſo by an Ape climbing and exposing
his poſteriors.

*SCRIBL.*

V. 20. — *her Laureat ſon reclines.*] With great judgment it is imagined by the Poet, that ſuch a Collegue as Dulneſs had elected, ſhould ſleep on the Throne, and have very little ſhare in the Action of the Poem. Accordingly he hath done little or nothing from the day of his Anointing, having paſt

B 4

8 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Beneath her footstool, *Science* groans in Chains,
And *Wit* dreads Exile, Penalties and Pains.

REMARKS.

thro' the second book, without taking part in any
thing that was transacted about him, and thro' the
third in profound Sleep. Nor ought this, well con-
fider'd, to seem strange in our days, when so many
*King-Conforts* have done the like.

SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. id — her *Laureat*.] " When I find my
" Name in the Satyrical works of this Poet, I ne-
" ver look upon it as any Malice meant to me,
" but PROFIT to HIMSELF. For he confiders that
" my Face is more known than most in the nation ;
" and therefore a *Lick at the Laureat* will be a fure
" bait ad captandum vulgus. to catch little readers."
Life of Colly Cibber, Chap. 2.

Now if it be certain, that the works of our Poet
have owed their fucceſs to this ingenious Expedient,
we hence derive an unanſwerable Argument, that this
DUNCIAD as well as the former, hath had the Au-
thor's laſt hand, and was by him intended for the
Praſs : Or eſſe to what purpofe hath he crowned it,
as we ſee, by this finifhing Stroke, the profitable *Lick*
at the *Laureat*?

V. 21, 22. *Beneath her footstool, &c.*] We are next
presented with the Pictures of those whom the God-
defs leads in Captivity. *Science* is only depressed and
confined, so as to be rendered uſeleſs; but *Wit* and
*Genius*, as a more dangerous and active Enemy,
punſhed, or driven away: *Dulneſs* being often re-
concil'd in some degree with Learning, but never
upon any terms with *Wit*. And accordingly it will
be seen that he admits something like each Science,
as *Cafuſiltry*, *Sophiltry*, &c.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

9

There foam'd rebellious *Logic*, gagg'd and bound,
There, ſtript, fair *Rhetoric* languifh'd on the ground;
His blunted Arms by Sophiltry are born,
And ſhameleſs *Billinſgate* her Robes adorn.
*Morality*, by her falſe Guardians drawn,
*Chicane* in Furs, and *Cafuſiltry* in Lawn,
Gafps, as they ſtraiten at each end the Cord,
And dies, when Dulneſs gives her *Page* the word. 30
Mad *Matheſis* alone was unconfin'd,
Too mad for mere material chains to bind,
Now to pure Space lifts her extatick Stare,
Now running round the Circle, finds it ſquare.

REMARKS.

V. 30. — *gives her Page the Word.*] A Judge
of this name, always ready to hang any man, of
which he was ſuffer'd to give a hundred miferable
examples during a long life, even to his dotage. —
Tho' the candid *Scriblerus* imagined *Page* here to
mean no more than a *Page* or *Mute*, and to allude to
the cuſtom of ſtrangling State Criminals in *Turkey*
by Mutes or Pages. A practice more decent than
that of *our Pages*, who before they hang any per-
fon, load him with reproachful language. SCRIBL.

V. 31. *Mad Matheſis.*] Alluding to the ſtrange
Conſuſions ſome Mathematicians have deduced
from their principles concerning the real *Quantity*
of *Matter*, the *Reality of Space*, &c.

V. 33. — *pure Space.*] i. e. pure and defæcated
from Matter. — *extatick Stare*, the action of men
who look about with full affurance of ſeeing what

10 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

But held in tenfold bonds the Mufes lie,
Watch'd both by Envy's and by Flatt'ry's eye:
There to her heart sad Tragedy addreft
The dagger wont to pierce the Tyrant's breast;
But sober Hiftory retrain'd her rage,
And promis'd Vengeance on a barb'rous age.

REMARKS.

does not exift, such as thofe who expect to find Space
a real being.

V. 34.—running round the Circle, finds it Square.]
Regards the wild and fruitleſs attempts of ſquaring
the Circle.

V. 36. Watch'd both by Envy's and by Flatt'ry's
eye.] One of the misfortunes falling on Authors,
from the Act for subjeeting Plays to the power of a
Licenſer, being the false repreſentations to which they
were expos'd, from ſuch as either gratify'd their
Envy to Merit, or made their Court to Greatneſs,
by perverting general Reſlections againſt Vice into
Libels on particular Perſons.

V. 39. *But sober Hiftory.*] Hiftory attends on
Tragedy, Satire on Comedy, as their ſubſtitutes in
the diſcharge of their diſtinſt functions: the one in
high life, recording the crimes and puniſhments of
the great; the other in low, exposing the vices or
follies of the common people. But it may be asked,
How came Hiftory and Satire to be admitted with
impunity to minifter comfort to the Mufes, even
in the prefence of the Goddeſs, and in the miſt of
all her triumphs? A question, ſays Scriblerus, which
we thus reſolve: Hiftory was brought up in her in-

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

II.

There funk Thalia, nerve-leſs, cold, and dead,
Had not her Sifter Satire held her head ;
Nor cou'd it thou, CHESTERFIELD! a tear refuse,
Thou wept it, and with thee wept each gentle Mufe.

REMARKS.

fancy by Dulneſs herſelf; but being afterwards e-
ſpouſed into a noble houſe, ſhe forgot (as is uſual)
the humility of her birth, and the cares of her
early friends. This occafioned a long eſtrangement
between her and Dulneſs. At length, in proceſs of
time, they met together in a Monk's Cell, were
reconciled, and became better friends than ever.
After this they had a ſecond quarrel, but it held
not long, and are now again on reaſonable terms,
and ſo are like to continue. This accounts for the
connivance ſhewn to Hiftory on this occafion. But
the boldneſs of Satire ſprings from a very different
caufe; for the reader ought to know, that ſhe alone
of all the ſifters is unconquerable, never to be ſi-
lenced when truly inſpired and animated, as ſhould
ſeem from above for this very purpose, to oppoſe
the kingdom of Dulneſs to her laſt breath.

V. 43. Nor could it thou, &c.] This Noble Per-
ſon in the year 1737, when the Act aforeſaid was
brought into the Houſe of Lords, oppoſed it in an
excellent ſpeech (says Mr. Cibber) " with a lively
" ſpirit, and uncommon eloquence." This ſpeech
had the honour to be anſwered by the ſaid Mr.
Cibber, with a lively ſpirit alſo, and in a manner
very uncommon, in the 8th Chapter of his Life
and Manners. And here, gentle Reader, would I
gladly inſert the other ſpeech, whereby thou might-

## 12 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

When lo! a Harlot form soft sliding by,
45
With mincing step, small voice, and languid eye;
Foreign her air, her robe's disfordant pride
In patch-work flutt'ring, and her head afide;
By finging Peers up-held on either hand,
She tripp'd and laugh'd, too pretty much to stand; 50
Cait on the prostrate Nine a fcornful look,
Then thus in quaint Recitativo spoke.
O Cara! Cara! silence all that train:
Joy to great Chaos! let Divifion reign

### REMARKS.

eſt judge between them : but I muſt defer it on ac-
count of ſome differences not yet adjusted between
the noble Author and myſelf, concerning the *True
Reading* of certain paſſages.
SCRIBL.

V. 45. When lo! a harlot form.] Every Reader will fee, that from this verfe to the 70th is a detached Piece. We ſuppofe it rightly inferted here, from what is faid of her caſting a ſcornful look on the proſtrate Mufes: but if any one can ſhow us a properer place, we ſhall be obliged to him.—The Attitude given to this Phantom repreſents the nature and ge-nius of the Italian Opera: its affected airs, its effe-minate ſounds, and the practice of patching up theſe Operas with favourite Songs, incoherently put together. Theſe things were ſupported by the ſubſcriptions of the Nobility.

V. 54. — *let Divifion reign.*] Alluding to the false taſte of playing tricks in Muſick with number-leſs diviſions, to the neglect of that harmony which conforms to the Senſe, and applies to the paſſions,

## Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 13

Chromatic tortures ſoon ſhall drive them hence, 55
Break all their nerves, and fritter all their ſenſe:
One Trill ſhall harmonize joy, grief, and rage,
Wake the dull Church, and lull the ranting Stage;
To the fame notes thy ſons ſhall hum, or ſnore,
And all thy yawning daughters cry, *encore*. 60
Another Phœbus, thy own Phœbus, reigns,
Joys in my jiggs, and dances in my chains.

### REMARKS.

Mr. Handel had introduced a great number of Hands, and more variety of Inſtruments into the OrCHEſtra, and employed even Drums and Cannon to make a fuller ChorUS; which prov'd ſo much too manly for the fine Gentlemen of his age, that he was obliged to remove his Muſick into Ireland. After which they were reduced, for want of Compoſers, to præſe the patch-work above-mentioned.

V. 55. Chromatic tortures.] That ſpecies of the ancient muſic called the Chromatic was a variation and imbelliſhment, in odd irregularities of the Diatonic kind. — They ſay it was invented about the time of Alexander, and that the Spartans forbad the uſe of it, as languid and effeminate.

V. 59. — *thy own Phœbus reigns.*]

*Tuus jam regnat Apollo.*

VIRG.

Not the ancient Phœbus, the God of Harmony, but a modern Phœbus of French extraſion, married to the Princes Galimathia, one of the handmaids of Dulneſs, and an affiſant to Opera. Of whom fee *Bouhours*, and other Critics of that nation.

14 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

But soon, ah soon Rebellion will commence,
If Mufick meanly borrows aid from Senſe:
Strong in new Arms, lo, Giant Handel ſtands, 65
Like bold Briareus, with a hundred hands;
To ſtir, to rouze, to ſhake the Soul he comes,
And Jove's own Thunders follow Mars's Drums.
Arreſt him, Empreſs; or you ſleep no more—
She heard, and drove him to th' Hibernian ſhore.
And now had Fame's poſterior Trumpet blown,
And all the Nations ſummon'd to the THRONE.
The young, the old, who feel her inward ſway,
One inſtinct ſeizes, and transports away.
None need a guide, by ſure Attraſtion led,
And ſtrong impulſive gravity of Head: 75

REMARKS.

V. 71. — *Fame's poſterior Trumpet.*] Poſterior,
viz. her ſecond or more certain Report: unleſs we
imagine this word poſterior to relate to the poſition
of one of her Trumpets, according to *Hudibras*:

She blows not both with the fame Wind,
But one before and one behind;
And therefore modern Authors name
One good, and other evil Fame.

V. 75. None need a Guide, — none want a Place.] The ſons of Dulneſs want no inſtructors in ſtudy, nor guides in life: they are their own maſters in all Sciences, and their own Heralds and Introducers into all places.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 15

None want a place, for all their Centre found,
Hung to the Goddeſs, and coher'd around.
Not cloſer, orb in orb, conglob'd are ſeen
The buzzing Bees about their duſky Queen. 80

REMARKS.

V. 76 to 101.] It ought to be obſerved that here are three claſſes in this ſ Assembly. The firſt of men abſolutely and avowedly dull, who naturally adhere to the Goddeſs, and are imaged in the ſimile of the Bees about their Queen. The ſecond involuntarily drawn to her, tho' not caring to own her influence; from Verſe 81 to 90. The third of ſuch, as, tho' not members of her ſtate, yet advance her ſervice by flattering Dulneſs, cultivating miſtaken talents, paſtronizing vile ſcriblers, discouraging living merit, or ſetting up for wits, and Men of taſte in Arts they underſtand not; from Verſe 91 to 101. In this new world of Dulneſs each of theſe three claſſes hath its appointed ſtation, as beſt ſuits its nature, and concurs to the harmony of the System. The firſt drawn only by the ſtrong and ſimple impulſe of attraction are repreſented as falling directly down into her; as conglobed into her ſubſtance, and reſting in her centre.

— All their centre found,
Hung to the Goddeſs, and coher'd around.

The ſecond, tho' within the ſphere of her attra-
ction, yet having at the fame time a different mo-
tion, they are carried, by the composition of theſe
two, in planetary revolutions round her centre,

16 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

The gath'ring number, as it moves along,
Involves a vaft involuntary throng,
Who gently drawn, and struggling lefs and lefs,
Roll in her Vortex, and her pow'r confes.
Not thofe alone who passive own her laws,
But who, weak rebels, more advance her caufe.
Whate'er of dunce in College or in Town
Sneers at another, in Toupee or Gown;
Whate'er of mungril no one clafs admits,
A Wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
Nor absent they, no members of her state,
Who pay her homage in her fons, the Great,

REMARKS.

fome nearer to it, fome further off:

The third are properly excentrical, and no conſtant
members of her ſtate or ſystem. Sometimes at an
immenſe diſtance from her influence, and ſome-
times again almoſt on the ſurface of her broad eſ-
fulgence. Their uſe in their Perihelion, or neareſt
approach to Dulneſs, is the fame in the moral
World, as that of Comets in the natural, namely to
reſtrefh and recreate the Dryneſs and decays of the
ſystem; in the manner marked out from V. 91
to 98.
SCRIBL.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

17

Who falſe to Phœbus, bow the knee to Baal,
Or impious, preach his Word without a call.
Patrons, who ſneak from living worth to dead,
With-hold the penſion, and fet up the head; #
Or veſt dull Flatt'ry in the facred Gown;
Or give from fool to fool the Laurel crown.
And (laſt and worſt) with all the cant of wit,
Without the foul, the Mufe's Hypocrit.
There march'd the bard and blockhead, ſide by ſide,
Who rym'd for hire, and patroniz'd for pride.

Narcifus, prais'd with all a Parfon's pow'r,
Look'd a white lilly funk beneath a ſhow'r,
There mov'd Montalto with ſuperior air;
His ſtretch'd-out arm diſplay'd a Volume ſair;
Courtiers and Patriots in two ranks divide,
Thro' both he paf'd, and bow'd from ſide to ſide :
But as in graceful act, with awful eye

Auditor Hansom, Compos'd he ſtood, bold Benſon thraſt him by : 110

REMARKS.

V. 93: — falſe to Phœbus.] ſpoken of the an-
cient and true Phœbus, not the French Phœbus, who
hath no choſen Prieſts or Poets, but equally inſpires
any man that pleaſeth to ſing or preach. SCRIBL.

V. 105. There mov'd Montalto.] An eminent per-
fon of Quality, who was about to publifh a very
pompous Edition of a great Author, very much at
his own expence indeed.

V. 110. — bold Benſon.] This man endeavoured to raiſe himſelf to Fame by erecting menu-

C

18 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

On two unequal crutches propt he came,
Milton's on this, on that one Jonſton's name.
The decent Knight retir'd with ſober rage,
Withdrew his hand, and clos'd the pompous page.

When Dulneſs, ſmiling— “Thus revive the Wits;
But murder firſt, and mince them all to bits;
As erſt Medea (cruel, fo to ſave!)
A new Edition of old Æſon gave.
Let ſtandard-Authors thus like trophies born,
Appear more glorious as more hack'd and torn, 120
And you, my Critics! in the checquer'd ſhade,
Admire new light thro' holes yourselves have made.

REMARKS.

ments, ſtriking coins, and procuring translations, of
Milton; and afterwards by a great paſſion for Ar-
thur Jonſon, a Scotch physician's Verſion of the
Pfalms, of which he printed many fine Editions.
See more of him, Book III.

V. 115. *Thus revive, &c.*] The Goddeſs applauds the practice of tacking the obſcure names of Perſons not eminent in any branch of learning to thofe of the moſt diſtinguſhed Writers; either by printing *Edi-tions* of their works with impertinent alterations of their Text, or by fetting up *Monuments* diſgraced with their own vile names and ſcriptions.

V. 118. — old Æſon.] Of whom Ovid (very
applicable to theſe ſtoſored authors)

Æſon miratur,
Diffimilemque animum ſubiit —

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

19

Leave not a foot of verſe, a foot of ſtone,
A Page, a Grave, that they can call their own;
But ſpread, my ſons, your glory thin or thick, 125
On paſſive paper, or on ſolid brick.
So by each Bard an Alderman ſhall fit,
A heavy Lord ſhall hang at ev'ry Wit,
And while on Fame's triumphal Car they ride,
Some Slave of mine be pinion'd to their ſide. 130

Now Crowds on crowds around the Goddeſs preſs,
Each eager to preſent the firſt Addreſs.
Dunce ſcorning dunce beholds the next advance,
But Fop ſhews ſop ſuperior complaſance.

REMARKS.

V. 124. *A Page, a Grave.* ] For what leſs than a Grave can be granted to a dead author? or what leſs than a Page can be allow'd a living one?

V. id. *A Page.*] *Pagina*, not *Pediffequus*. A Page of a Book, not a Servant, Follower or Attendant; no Poet having had a *Page* ſince the death of Mr. Thomas Durfey.

V. 127. So by each Bard an Alderman, &c.] Vide the *Tombs of the Poets*, *Editio Weſtmonaſterienſis*.

V. 133—4. *Dunce ſcorning Dunce beholds the next advance,*
*But Fop ſhews Fop ſuperior complaſance.*]

This is not to be asſcribed so much to the different
manners of a Court and College, as to the different
effect's which a pretence to Learning, and a pretence
to Wit, have on Blockheads. For as judgment con-
ſits in finding out the differences in things, and wit,

C 2

20 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

When Io! a Spectre rose, whose index-hand 135
Held forth the Virtue of the dreadful wand;
His beaver'd brow a birchen garland bears,
Dropping with Infant's blood, and Mother's tears.
All flesh is humbled, Youth's bold courage cools,
Each shudd'ring owns the Genius of the Schools.
The pale Boy-Senator yet tingling stands, 141
And holds his breeches close with both his hands.

Then thus. Since Man from beaſt by Words is
known,
Words are Man's province, words we teach alone.

REMARKS.

in finding out their likenesses, so the *Dunce* is all
discord and diffraction, and constantly buſied in re-
proving, examining, confuting, &c. while the Fop
flourishes in peace, with Songs and Hymns of Praife,
Addreffes, Charaſters, Epitbalamiums &c.

V. 136. — *the dreadful wand* A Cane usually
born by Schoolmaſters, which drives the poor Souls
about like the wand of Mercury,

V. 142. And holds his breeches.] An effect of
Fear somewhat like this is deſcribed in the 7th
Æneid,

Contremuit nemus —

*Et trepidæ matres preſſere ad pectora natos.*

nothing being so natural in any apprehenſion, as to
lay close hold on whatever is ſuppos'd to be moſt
in danger. But let it not be imagined the author
would inſtinate theſe youthful Senators (tho' ſo lately
come from ſchool) to be under the undue influence
of any Maſter.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

21

When Reaſon doubtful, like the Samian letter, 145
Points him two ways, the narrower is the better.
Plac'd at the door of Learning, youth to guide,
We never ſuffer it to ſtand too wide.

To aſk, to gueſs, to know, as they commence,
As Fancy opens the quick ſprings of Senſe; 150
We ply the Memory, we load the brain,
Bind rebel Wit, and double chain on chain,
Confine the thought, to exerciſe the breath;
And keep them in the pale of Words till death.

REMARKS.

V. 145. — *like the Samian letter.*] The letter
Y, uſed by Pythagoras as an emblem of the different
roads of Virtue and Vice. *Perſus.*

*Et tibi quæ Samios diduxit litera ramos.*

V. 147. Plac'd at the door, &c.] This circumſtance
of the *Genius Loci* (with that of the Index-hand be-
fore) ſeems to be an alluſion to the *Table of Cebes*,
where the Genius of human Nature points out the
road to be purſued by thoſe entering into life.
*Ο ᾤ γείων ὁ ἄνω εἰπεὶς ἔχων χαίρειν τινὰ ἐν τῇ
χειρί, ἀρ ἐτέρᾳ ὥσπερ δεικνύων τί οὖτος Δαίμων
καλεῖται, &c.*

V. 153. — *to exercise the breath.*] By obliging
them to get the claſſic poets by heart, which ſur-
niſhes them with endleſs matter for Converſation,
and Verbal amuſement for their whole lives.

C 3

22 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Whate'er the talents, or howe'er defign'd, 155
We hang one jingling padlock on the mind:
A Poet the firſt day he dips his quill;
And what the laſt ? a very Poet ſtill.
Pity ! the charm works only in our wall,
Loft, loft too ſoon in yonder Houſe or Hall. 160

There truant WYNDHAM ev'ry Mufe gave o'er,
There TALBOT funk, and was a Wit no more!
How ſweet an Ovid, MURRAY was our boaſt!
How many Martials were in PULT'NEY loſt!
Elſe ſure ſome Bard, to our eternal praeſe, 165
In twice ten thouſand rhyming nights and days,
Had reach'd the work, the All that mortal can;
And South beheld that Maſter-piece of Man.

Oh (cry'd the Goddeſs) for ſome pedant Reign!
Some gentle JAMES, to bleſs the land again; 170

REMARKS.

V. 156. We hang one jingling padlock, &c.] For youth being uſed like Packhorſes and beaten on under a heavy load of Words, left they ſhould tire, their Inſtruſtors contrive to make the words jingle, in rhime or metre.

V. 168. — that Maſter-piece of man.] viz. an Epigram. The famous Dr. South declared a perfect Epigram to be as difficult a performance as an Epic Poem. And the Critics ſay, " an Epic Poem is the " greatest work human nature is capable of.

V. 170. Some gentle James, &c.] W ilſon tells us that this king, James the firſt, took upon himself to

Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 23

To ſtick the Doctor's Chair into the Throne,
Give law to Words, or war with Words alone,
Senates and Courts with Greek and Latin rule,
And turn the Council to a Grammar School!
For ſure, if Dulneſs ſees a grateful Day,
*Tis in the ſhade of Arbitrary Sway.

REMARKS.

teach the Latin tongue to Car, Earl of Somerſet; and that Gondomar the Spanish Ambaſſador wou'd ſpeak ſalſe Latin to him, on purpoe to give him the pleaſure of correcting it, whereby he wrought himself into his good graces.

This great Prince was the firſt who aſſumed the
title of Sacred Majeſty, which his loyal Clergy trans-
ferr'd from God to Him. " The principles of Paffive
" Obedience and Nonreſſtance (aſays the Author of
" the Diſſertation on Parties, Letter VIII.) which
" before his time had ſculk'd perhaps in ſome old
" Homily, were talk'd, written, and preach'd into
" vogue in that inglorious reign.

V. 176. — if Dulneſſ fees a grateful day,
*Tis in the ſhade of Arbitrary ſway.]

And grateful it is in Dulneſs to make this confession.
I will not ſay ſhe alludes to that celebrated verſe
of Claudian,

— nunquam Libertas gratior exſtat
Quam ſub Rege pio —

But this I will ſay, that the words Liberty and Mo-
C 4

24 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

O! if my sons may learn one earthly thing,
Teach but that one, sufficient for a King;

REMARKS.

narchy have been frequently confounded and mistaken
one for the other by the graveft authors. I fhould
therefore conjecture, that the genuine reading of the
forecited verfe was thus,

— nunquam Libertas gratior exſtat
Quam ſub Lege pia —

and that *Rege* was the reading only of Dulneſs her-
felf: And therefore ſhe might allude to it. SCRIBL.

I judge quite otherwife of this paſſage: The ge-
nuine reading is *Libertas*, and *Rege*: So Claudian
gave it. But the error lies in the firſt verſe: It
ſhould be *Exijt*, not *Exſtat*, and then the meaning
will be, that Liberty was never loſt, or *went away*
with ſo good a grace, as under a good King: it be-
ing without doubt a tenfold ſhame to loſe it under
a bad one.

This farther leads me to animadvert upon a moſt
grievous piece of nonſenſe to be found in all the Edi-
tions of the Author of the Dunciad himſelf. A
moſt capital one it is, and owing to the confuſion,
above-mention'd by Scriblerus, of the two words
*Liberty* and *Monarchy*. Eſſay on Crit.

Nature, like Monarchy, is but reſtrain'd
By the fame Laws herself at firſt ordain'd.

Who fees not, it ſhould be, Nature like Liberty?
Correct it therefore *repugnantibus omnibus*, (even tho'

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

25

That which my Prieſts, and mine alone, maintain,
Which as it dies, or lives, we fall, or reign: 180
May you, may Cam, and Ifis preach it long!
" The RIGHT DIVINE of Kings to govern wrong.

Prompt at the call, around the Goddeſs roll
Broad hats, and hoods, and caps, a fable ſhoal:
Thick and more thick the black blockade extends,
A hundred head of Ariftotle's friends.
Nor wert thou, Ifis! wanting to the day,
[Tho' Chriſt-church long kept prudifly away]
Each ſtaunch Polemick ſtubborn as a rock,
Each fierce Logician ſtill expelling Locke, 190

REMARKS.

the Author himſelf ſhould oppugn) in all the im-
preſſions which have been, or ſhall be, made of
his works.

BENTLEY.

V. 188. *Tho' Chriſt-church*] This line is doubt-
leſs ſpurious, and foifted in by the impertinence of
the Editor; and accordingly we have put it between
Hooks. For I affirm this College came as early as
any other, by its proper Deputies; nor did any
College pay homage to Dulneſs in its whole body.

BENTL.

V. 190. — *ſill expelling Locke*] In the year
1703 there was a meeting of the heads of the Uni-
verſity of Oxford to cenſure Mr. Locke's Eſſay
on Human Understanding, and to forbid the read-
ing it.

26 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Came whip and spur, and daf'd thro' thin and thick
On German Crouzaz and Dutch Burgerfdyck.
As many quit the freams that murm'ring fall
To lull the sons of Marg'ret and Clare-hall,
Where Bentley late tempeftuous wont to fport 195
In troubled waters, but now fleeps in Port.
Before them march'd that awful Ariftarch;
Plow'd was his front with many a deep Remark:

REMARKS.

V. 192. On German Crouzaz and Dutch Burgerfdyck.] There seems to be an improbability that the Doctors and Heads of Houfes fshould ride on horfeback, who of late days, being gouty or unwieldy, have kept their coaches. But thefe are horfes of great ſtrength, and fit to carry any weight, as their German and Dutch extraction may manifeſt; and very famous we may conclude, being honour'd with Names, as were the horfes Pegaſus and Bucephalus.

V. 193. — the Streams.] The River Cam, running by the walls of theſe Colleges, which are particularly famous for their ſkill in Difputation.

V. 196. — fleeps in Port.] viz. “ now retired
“ into harbour, after the tempeſts that had long agi-
“ tated his ſociety.” So Scriblerus. But the learned
Scipio Maffei understands it of a certain Wine
called Port, from Oporto a city of Portugal, of
which this Professor invited him to drink abun-
dantly. SCIP MAFF. de Computationibus Aca-
demicis.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

27

His Hat, which never vail'd to human pride,
Walker with rev'rence took, and lay'd afide.
200
Low bow'd the reſt: He, kingly, did but nod ;
So upright Quakers pleafe both Man and God.
Miftrefs! diſmifs that rabble from your throne :
Avaunt — is Ariftarchus yet unknown ?

REMARKS.

V. 199. His Hat, &c. — So upright Quakers please both Man and God.] The Hat-worship, as the Quakers call it, is an abomination to that ſeet: yet, where it is neceſſary to pay that reſpect to man (as in the Courts of Juitice and Houſes of Parliament) they have, to avoid offence and yet not violate their confidence, permitted other people to uncover them.

V. 204. Ariftarchus.] A famous Commentator,
and Corrector of Homer, whose name has been fre-
quently uſed to signify a ſevere Critic. Infinity College and
Master of the Pen.

IMITATIONS.

V. 201. He, kingly, did but nod.] Milton.

— He, kingly, from his State
Declin'd not —

V. 204. — Is Ariftarchus yet unknown ?

— Sic notus Ulyſſes ?

Virg.

Dost thou not feel me, Rome ?

Ben. Johnson.

28 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Turn what they will to Verſe, their toil is vain, 205
Critics like me ſhall make it Proſe again.

Roman and Greek Grammarians! know your Better:
Author of ſomething yet more great than Letter;
While tow'ring o'er your Alphabet, like Saul,
Stands our Digamma, and o'er-tops them all. 210
'Tis true, on Words is ſtill our whole debate,
Disputes of Me or Te, of aut or at,

REMARKS.

V. 209, 210. While tow'ring o'er your Alphabet like Saul, Stands our Digamma—] Alludes to the boafed reſtoration of the Æolic Digamma, in his long projected Edition of Homer. He calls it ſomething more than Letter, from the enormous figure it would make among the other letters, being one Gamma fet upon the ſhoulders of another.

V. 212. — of Me or Te.] It was a ſerious diſpute, about which the learned were much divided, and ſome treatiſes written: Had it been about Meum or Tuum it could not be more conteſted than whether at the end of the firſt Ode of Horace, to read, Me doſtarum hederæ præmia frontium, or, Te doſtarum hederæ —

IMITATIONS.

V. 207. Roman and Greek Grammarians, &c.] Imitated from Propertius ſpeaking of the Æneid.

Cedite, Romani ſcriptores, cedite Graïi!
Nefcio quid majus nafcitur Iliade.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

29

To found or ſink in cano, O or A,
Or give up Cicero to C or K.

Let Freind affect to ſpeak as Terence ſpoke,
And Alfop never but like Horace joke :

For me, what Virgil, Pliny may deny,
Manilius or Solinus ſhall ſupply :

For Attic phraſe in Plato let them ſeek,
I poach in Suidas for unlicens'd Greek.

In ancient Senſe if any needs will deal,
Be ſure I give them Fragments, not a Meal;

What Gellius or Stobæus haſh'd before,

Or chew'd by blind old Scholiaſts o'er and o'er.

REMARKS.

V. 214. Or give up Cicero to C or K.] Grammatical disputes about the manner of pronouncing Cicero's name.

V. 215. Freind, Alfop—] Dr. Robert Freind, maſter of Weſtminſter ſchool, and canon of Chriſtchurch— Dr. Anthony Alſop, a happy imitator of the Horatian ſlyle.

V. 218. Manilius or Solinus.] Some Critics having had it in their choice to comment either on Virgil or Manilius, Pliny or Solinus, have choſen the worſe author, the more freely to diſplay their critical capacity.

V. 220. &c. Suidas, Gellius, Stobæus.] The firſt a Diſcription-writer, a collector of impertinent ſaſts and barbarous words; the ſecond a minute Critic; the third an author, who gave his Common-place book to the public, where we happen to find much Mince-meat of old books.

V. 224. Or chew'd by blind old Scholiaſts o'er and

30 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

The critic Eye, that microscope of Wit, 225
Sees hairs and pores, examines bit by bit:
How parts relate to parts, or they to whole,
The body's harmony, the beaming foul,
Are things which Kuſter, Burman, Waffe shall fee,
When Man's whole frame is obvious to a Flea. 230
Ah, think not, Miſtrefs! more true Dulneſs lies
In Folly's Cap, than Wifdom's grave diſguife.
Like buoys, that never ſink into the flood,
On Learning's ſurface we but lie and nod. ♀

REMARKS.

o'er.] These taking the fame things eternally from
the mouth of one another.

V. 231, 232. Ab, think not Miftrefs, &c. In
Folly's Cap &c.—] By this it would seem the Dunces
and Fops mentioned V. 133—4 had a contention
of rivalſhip for the Goddeſs's favour on this
great day. Thoſe got the start, but these make it
up by their Spokesman in the next ſpeech. It
feems as if Ariftarchus here firſt ſaw him advancing
with his fair Pupil.

V. 233, 234. Like buoys, &c. On Learning's ſur-
face, &c.] So that the ſlation of a Professor is only
a kind of legal Noticer to inform us where the
ſhatter'd hulk of Learning lies at anchor; which
after ſo long unhappy navigation, and now without
either Maſter or Patron, we may wifh, with Ho-
race, may lie there ſtill.

— Nonne vides, ut

Nudum remigio latus ?

— non tibi ſunt integra lințea;

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

31

Thine is the genuine Head of many a house,
And much Divinity without a Novs.

Nor could a BARROW work on ev'ry block,
Nor has one ATTERBURY ſpoil'd the flock;

REMARKS.

Non Dî, quos iterum preſſa voces mala.

Quamvis pontica pinus,

Sylvæ filia nobilis,

Jaffes & genus & nomen inutile. SCRIBL.

V. 236. And much Divinity without a Novs.] A
word much affected by the learned Ariftarchus in
common conversation, to signify Genius or natural
acumen. But this paſſage has a farther view: N&S
was the Platonic term for Mind, or the firſt Cauſe,
and that ſystem of Divinity is here hinted at which
terminates in blind Nature without a Novs: ſuch as
the Poet afterwards describes (speaking of the dreams
of one of theſe later Platonifts)

Or that bright Image to our Fancy draw,
Which Theocles in raptur'd Vision ſaw,
That Nature — &c.

V. 235, 236. Barrow, Atterbury.] Isaac Barrow
Master of Trinity, Francis Atterbury Dean of
Chrift-church, both great Genius's and eloquent
Preachers; one more converſant in the ſublime
Geometry, the other in claſſical Learning; but who
equally made it their care to advance the polite Arts
in their ſeveral Societies.

3

32 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

See! still thy own, the heavy Canon roll,
And Metaphysic smokes involve the Pole.

REMARKS.

V. 237. — *the heavy Canon.* Canon here, if spoken of *Artillery*, is in the plural number; if of the *Canons of the House*, in the singular, and meant only of *one*: in which case I suspect the *Pole* to be a falfe reading, and that it should be the *Poll*, or Head of that Canon. It may be objected, that this is a mere *Paranomafia* or *Pun*. But what of that? Is any figure of Speech more apposite to our gentle Goddeſs, or more frequently uſed by her? Doubtlesſs it better ſuits the Character of Dulneſs than that of an Angel; yet *Milton* fear'd not to put a confiderable quantity into the Mouths of his. It hath indeed been obſerved, that they were theDEVil's Angels, as if he did it to fuggeſt the Devil was the Author as well of falſe Wit as of falſe Religion, and that the Father of Lies was alſo the Father of Puns. But this is idle; it muſt be own'd a Christian practice, uſed in the primitive times by ſome of the Fathers, and in later by moſt of the Sons of the Church, 'till the debauch'd reign of Charles the ſecond, when the ſhameful Paſſion for *Wit* overthrew every thing: and even then the beſt Writers admitted it, provided it was obſcene, under the name of the *Double entendre*.

SCRIBL.

V. 238. *And Metaphysical Smokes, &c.*— Here the learned Ariftarchus ending the firſt member of his harangue in behalf of *Words*; and entering on the other half which regards the teaching of *things*; very artfully connects the two parts in an encomium

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

33

What tho' we let ſome better ſort of ſool
Thrid ev'ry ſcience, run thro' ev'ry ſchool ?

245

REMARKS.

on METAPHYSICS, a kind of *Middle-nature* between words and things: communicating, in its obscurity with *Subſtance*, and in its emptiness with *Names*.

SCRIBL.

*** Hiatus, but not *valdè deflendus*, since the learned Ariftarchus loves a Fragment.

V. 245 to 261. *What tho' we let ſome better ſort of Fool, &c.*] Hitherto Ariftarchus hath display'd the art of teaching his Pupils words, without things. He ſhews greater ſkill in what follows, which is to teach things, without profit. For with the *better ſort of ſool* the firſt expedient is V. 245 to 248 to run him ſo swifely thro' the circle of the Sciences that he ſhall ſlick at nothing, nor nothing ſlick with him; and tho' ſome little, both of words and things, ſhould by chance be gathered up in his paſſage, yet he ſhews V. 245 to 250 that it is never more of the one than juſt to enable him to perſecute *with Rhyme*, or of the other than to *plague with Dispute*. But if after all, the Pupil will needs learn a Science, it is then provided by his careful directors, V. 251, 252 that it ſhall either be ſuch as he can never *enjoy* when he comes out into life, or ſuch as he will be obliged to *divorce*. And to make all ſure, V. 251 to 255, the uſeleſs or

D

34

The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Never by tumbler thro' the hoops was shown
Such skill in passing all, and touching none.
He may indeed (if fober all this time)
Plague with Dispute, or perfecute with Rhyme. 250
We only furnish what he cannot use,
Or wed to what he must divorce, a Mufe:
Full in the midft of Euclid dip at once,
And petrify a Genius to a Dunce:

REMARKS.

pernicious Sciences, thus taught, are still applied
perversely; the man of Wit *petrified* in Euclid, or
*trammeled* in Metaphysics; and the man of Judgment
*married*, without his parents consent, to a
*Mufe*. Thus far the particular arts of modern Education,
used partially, and diversified according
to the Subject and the Occasion: But there is one
general method with the encomium of which the
great Ariftarchus ends his fpeech, V. 257 to 259,
and that is AUTHORITY, the universal Cement,
which fills all the cracks and chafms of *lifelefs* matter,
fluts up all the Pores of *living* substance, and
brings all human minds to one dead level. For if
Nature ſhould chance to struggle thro' all the entanglements
of the foregoing ingenious expedients
to bind rebel wit, this claps upon her one ſure and
entire cover. So that well may Ariftarchus defy
all human power, to get the Man out again from
under ſo impenetrable a cruſt. The Poet alludes
to this Maſter-piece of the Schools in V. 491,
where he ſpeaks of *Vaffals* to a name.

V. 254.— *petrify a Genius*.] Thoſe who have

35

255

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

Or fet on Metaphyſic ground to prance,
Show all his paces, not a ſtep advance.
With the fame cement, ever ſure to bind,
We bring to one dead level ev'ry mind;
Then take him to develop, if you can,
And hew the Block off, and get out the Man. 260
But wherefore waeſte I Words? I fee advance
Whore, Pupil, and Iac'd Governor from France.

REMARKS.

no Genius, employ'd in works of imagination; thoſe
who have, in abſtraft ſciences.

V. 260. *And hew the Block off*.] A notion of
Ariftotle, that there was originally in every block
of marble, a Statue, which would appear on the
removal of the ſuperfluous parts.

V. 262. — *lac'd Governor.*] Why laced? Be-
caufe Gold and Silver are neceſſary trimming to de-
note the drefs of a perſon of rank, and the Gover-
nor muſt be ſuppoſed ſo in foreign countries, to be
admitted into Courts and other places of fair recep-
tion. But how comes Ariftarchus to know by fight
that this Governor came from France? Why, by
the laced coat.

SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. id. *Whore, Pupil, and Iac'd Governor.*] Some
Critics have objected to the order here, being of o-
pinion that the Governor ſhould have the prece-
dence before the Whore, if not before the Pupil. But
were he ſo placed, it might be thought to infinuate
that the Governor led the Pupil to the Whore: and
were the Pupil placed firſt, he might be ſuppoſed to
lead the Governor to her. But our impartial Poet,

D 2

36 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Walker! our hat — nor more he deign'd to fay,
But, stern as Ajax' spectre, ftrode away.

In flow'd at once a gay embroider'd race, 265
And titt'ring push'd the Pedants off the place:
Some would have spoken, but the voice was drown'd
By the French horn, or by the op'ning hound.
The first came forward, with as easy mien
As if he saw St. James's and the Queen. 270
Dulnefs delighted ey'd the lively Dunce,
Rememb'ring the herfelf was Pertneſs once.

REMARKS.

as he is drawing their Picture, represents them in the
order in which they are generally seen; namely the
Pupil between the Whore and the Governor; but
placeth the Whore first, as he usually governs both
the other.
SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. 264. — *ſtern as Ajax' ſpectre.*] See Homer,
Odyff. 11. where the Ghoſt of Ajax turns fullyenly
from Ulyſſes.

V. 266. And titt'ring pufh'd, &c.] Hor.

Rideat & pulſet laſſiva decentiās ætas.

V. 270. As if he saw St. James's.] Refleeting on
the diſrefpectful and indecent behaviour of ſeveral
forward young perſons in the Prefence, ſo offenſive
to all ſerious men, and to none more than the good
Scriblerus.

V. 272. Remembring ſhe herself was Pertneſs once.] The Poet had told us, Book I. xii. that this fair Daughter of Night and Chaos was got by them in their Dotage: a time of life when parents are obſerved to be moſt apt to ſpoil their Children

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

37

When thus th'attendant Orator begun.

Receive, great Empreſs! thy accompliſh'd Son:
Thine from the birth, and ſacred from the rod, 275
A dauntlets Infant! never ſcar'd with God.
The Sire ſaw, one by one, his Virtues wake;
The Mother begg'd the bleſſing of a Rake.
Thou gav't that Ripeneſs, which ſo ſoon began,
And ceas'd ſo ſoon, he ne'er was Boy nor Man. 280

REMARKS.

by too great fondneſs and indulgence; as was probably the cafe of this her accompliſh'd Son. It is not to be thought ſtrange therefore that over much careſſing ſhould make even Dulneſs herſelf Pert, especially in her Youth; tho' her only natural alacrity was in ſinking, or towards Gravity; ſhe being indeed, as the Poet in the fame place obſerves,
Groſs as her Sire, and as her Mother grave. SCRIBL.

V. 273. — *th' attendant Orator.*] The Governor aboveſaid. The Poet gives him no particular name; being unwilling, I prefume, to offenſ or do injustice to any, by celebrating one only, with whom this character agrees, in preference to ſo many who equally deferſe it.
SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. 276. A dauntlets Infant! never ſcar'd with Goa.] Hor.
— *fine Dis Animofus Infans.*

— fine Dis Animofus Infans.

V. 280. — *he ne'er was Boy nor Man.*] Nature hath beſtowed on the human ſpecies two ſtates or conditions, Infancy and Manhood. Wit ſometimeſ makes the first disappear, and Folly the latter; but true Dulneſs annihilates both. For, want of apprehenſion in Boys, not ſuffering that conscious

D 3

38 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Thro' School and College, thy kind cloud o'ercaft,
Safe and unseen the young Æneas paft:
Thence burfting glorious, all at once let down,
Stunn'd with his giddy Larum half the town.

Intrepid then o'er seas and lands he flew: 285
Europe he saw, and Europe saw him too.
There all thy gifts and graces we display,
Thou, only thou, directing all our way!

To where the Seine, obsequious as the runs,

Pours at great Bourbon's feet her filken fons; 290
Or Tyber, now no longer Roman, rolls,
Vain of Italian Arts, Italian Souls.

REMARKS.

ignorance and inexperience which produce the awkward bashfulness of youth, makes them affuſed; and want of imagination makes them grave. But this gravity and affurance, which is beyond boyhood, being neither wisdom nor knowledge, do never reach to manhood.

SCRIBL.

V. 282. — unseen the young Æneas paſt,
Thence burſing glorious.] See Virg. Æn. 1.

At Venus obſuro gradients aëre ſeſpit,
Et multo nebulæ circum Dea fudit amiſtu,
Cernere ne quis eos; — 1. neu quis contingere poſſit;
2. Molirive moram; — aut 3. veniendi poſciere cauſas.

Where he enumerates the cauſes why his mother took
this care of him: to wit, 1. that no-body might
touch or correct him: 2. might itop or detain him:
3. examine him about the progreſs he had made, or
to much as gueſs why he came there.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

39

To happy Convents, boſom'd deep in vines,
Where slumber Abbots, purple as their Wines:

To Ifles of fragrance, lilly-filver'd vales, 295
Diffuſing languor in the panting gales:

To lands of ſinging, or of dancing ſlaves,
Love-whisp'ring woods, and lute-refounding waves:

But chief her ſhrine where naked Venus keeps,
And Cupids ride the Lyon of the Deeps;

300
Where, eas'd of Fleets, the Adriatic main
Wafts the ſmooth Eunuch and enamour'd ſwain.

Led by my hand, he faunter'd Europe round,
And gather'd ev'ry Vice on Chriſtian ground;

Saw ev'ry Court, heard ev'ry King declare 305

His royal Senſe of Op'ra's or the Fair;
The Stews and Palace equally explor'd,
Intrigu'd with glory, and with ſpirit whor'd;

Try'd all hors-d'œuvres, all liqueurs defin'd,

Judicious drank, and greatly-daring din'd; 310

REMARKS.

V. 295. — Lilly-filver'd Vales.] Tuberoſes.

V. 300. And Cupids ride the Lyon of the Deeps.] The winged Lyon, the Arms of Venice. This Republic heretofore the moſt confiderable in Europe for her Naval Force and the extent of her Commerce; now illuſtrious for her Carnivals.

V. 310. — greatly-daring din'd.] It being indeed no ſmall risque to eat thro' thofe extraordinary compositions, whoſe diſguis'd ingredients are generally unknown to the gueſts, and highly inflammatory and unwholesome.

D 4

40 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Dropt the dull lumber of the Latin store,
Left his own language, and acquir'd no more;
All Classic learning loft on Classic ground;
And laft turn'd Air, the Echo of a Sound!
See now, half-cur'd and perfectly well-bred, 315
With nothing but a Solo in his head;
As much Eftate, and Principle, and Wit,
As Janſen, Fleetwood, Cibber, ſhall think fit;
Stol'n from a Duel, follow'd by a Nun,
And, if a Borough chufe him, not undone; 320
See, to my country happy I reſtore
This glorious Youth, and add one Venus more.

Left brevail
abroad
governor
loa daun
escap'd to him
from a comen
at milon,
where the had been

Hald quiring her will; Kaper. REMARKS.
ward, hent to kome & Kleded

Her laws, &c. way V. 312. And laſt turn'd Air, the Echo of a Sound.] acquired haw. Yet leis a Body than Echo itſelf; for Echo reſ reflects to him the name of Senſe or Words at leaſt, this Gentleman only Airs he wou'd, and Tunes:

Tranſels, ka ſanſers is

 mentioned in —— Sonus eſt, qui vivit in illo. Ovid. Met. the dictional.

So that this was not a Metamorphofis either in one
or the other, but only a Refolution of the Soul
into its true Principles, its real Eſſence being Har-
mony; according to the DoCTRine of Orpheus, the
Inventor of Opera, who firſt perform'd to a choice
aſſembly of Beaſts.

SCRIBL.

V. 316. With nothing but a Solo in his head.] With nothing but a Solo? Why, if it be a Solo, how should there be any thing else? Palpable Tautology! Read boldly an Opera, which is enough of confidence for such a head as has loft all its Latin.

BENTL.

V. 318. — Janſen, Fleetwood, Cibber.] Three

a janesher, marker of a player,
& many dana,
mynd danu.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

41

Her too receive (for her my foul adores)
So may the ſons of ſons of whores,
Prop thine, O Empreſs! like each neighbour Thronē,
And make a long Poſterity thy own.

326

Pleas'd, ſhe accepts the Hero, and the Dame,
Wraps in her Veil, and frees from ſenſe of Shame.
Then look'd, and ſaw a lazy, lolling ſon,
Unſeen at Church, at Senate, or at Court,
Of ever-lifteſs Loit'ers, that attend
No Caufe, no Truſt, no Duty, and no Friend.
Thee too, my Paridel! ſhe mark'd thee there,
Stretch'd on the rack of a too eafy chair,

REMARKS.

very eminent perſons, all Managers of Plays;
who, tho' not Governors by proſſion, had, each in
his way, concern'd themſelves in the Education of
youth; and regulated their Wits, their Morals, or
their Finances, at that period of their age which is
the moſt important, their entrance into the polite
world.

V. 323. Her too receive, &c.] This confirms what the learned Scriblerus advanced in his Note on V. 262, that the Governor, as well as the Pupil, had a particular intereſt in this lady.

V. 324. So may the ſons of ſons, &c.] Virg.

Et nati natorum, & qui nafcentur ab illis.

Æn. 3.

V. 333. Thee too, my Paridel!] The Poet ſeems to ſpeak of this young gentleman with great affection. The name is taken from Spenſer, who gives it to a wandring Courtly Squire, that travell'd about

I believe Paridel means R. H. undel Es, not only from the
likeness of the found & character, but as his particular friends
and his friends follow immediately under the names of Trinius
and Pollio.

## 42 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

And heard thy everlafting yawn confefs
335
The Pains and Penalties of Idlenefs.
She pity'd! but her Pity only ſhed
Benigner influence on thy nodding head.
But Annius, crafty Seer, with ebon wand,
And well diſſembled em'rald on his hand,
340
Faffe as his Gems, and canker'd as his Coins,
Came cramm'd with capon, from where Pollio dines.
Soft, as the wily Fox is seen to creep
Where basſk on funny banks the ſimple sheep,
Walk round and round, now prying here, now there;
So he; but pious, whifper'd firſt his pray'r. 346

### REMAKRS.

for the fame reaſon, for which many young Squires
are now fond of travelling, and especially to Paris.
Faery Queen.

V. 334, &c. Stretch'd on the Rack —
And heard, &c.] Virg. Æn. 6.

Sedet, æternumque ſedebit,
Infelix Theſeus, Phlegyſque miſerrimus omnes
Admonet —

V. 339. Annius.] The name taken from Annius, the Monk of Viterbo, famous for many Impositions and Forgeries of ancient manuscripts and inscriptions, which he was prompted to by mere vanity, but our Annius had a more ſubſtantial motive.

## Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

Grant, gracious Goddeſs! grant me ſill to cheat,
O may thy cloud ſill cover the deceit!
Thy choicer miſts on this aſſembly ſhed,
But pour them thickeſt on the Noble head. 350
So ſhall each youth, aſſiited by our eyes,
See other Cæſars, other Homers rife,
Thro' twilight ages hunt th' Athenian fowl,
Which Chalcis Gods, and mortals call an Owl,

### REMARKS.

V. 347. — Grant me ſill to cheat!
O may thy Cloud ſill cover the Deceit! ]

Hor. — Da, pulchra Laverna,
Da mibi fallere
Noëtem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.

V. id. — ſill to cheat.] Some read ſkill, but that is frivolous, for Annius hath that ſkill already; or if he had not, ſkill were not wanting to cheat ſuch perſons.
BENTL.
V. 353. — hunt th'Athenian fowl.] The Owl ſtamp'd on the reverſe of the ancient money of Athens.

Which Chalcis Gods, and Mortals call an Owl,
is the verſe by which Hobbes renders that of Homer,

Χαλκίδα κικλήσκουσι Θσοί, "Αυδες δὲ Κύμνιοι.

43

The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

44

Now see an Attys, now a Cecrops clear,
Nay, Mahomet! the Pigeon at thine ear;
Be rich in ancient brafs, tho' not in gold,
And keep his Lares, tho' his houſe be fold,
To head-leſs Phœbe his fair bride poſtpone,
Honour a Syrian Prince above his own,
Lord of an Osho, if I vouch it true,
Bleſt in one Niger, till he knows of two. [nown'd,
Mummius o'erheard him; Mummius, Fool-re-
the Physician. Who like his Cheops ſtinks above the ground,

355

360

REMARKS.

V. 355. *Attys and Cecrops.*] The firſt Kings of Athens, of whom it is hard to fuppofe any Coins are extant; but not ſo improbable as what follows, that there ſhould be any of Mahomet, who forbad all Images. Nevertheless one of theſe Annius's made a counterfeit one, now in the collection of a learned Nobleman.

V. 363. *Mummius.*] This name is not merely an allusion to the Mummies he was ſo fond of, but, probably, referred to the Roman General of that name, who burn'd Corinth, and committed the curious Statues to the Captain of a Ship, affuring him "that if " any were loſt, or broken, he ſhould procure others " to be made in their ſlead:" by which it ſhould seem (whatever may be pretended) that Mummius was no Virtuoso.

V. 364. *Cheops.*] A King of Egypt, whose body was certainly to be known, as being buried alone in his Pyramid, and is therefore more genuine than

Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 45

Fierce as a ſtartled Adder, ſwell'd, and ſaid,
Rattling an ancient Siftrum at his head :

Speak't thou of Syrian Princes? Traitor bafe!
Mine, Goddeſs! mine is all the horned race.

REMARKS.

any of the Cleopatra's. This Royal Mummy, being ſtolen by a wild Arab, was purchas'd by the Conful of Alexandria, and transmitted to the Muſeum of Mummius; for proof of which he brings a paſſage in Sandys's Travels, where that accurate and learned voyager affures us that he ſaw the Sepulchre empty, which agrees exaſtly (faith he) with the time of the Theft above mention'd. But he omits to obſerve that Herodotus tells the fame thing of it in his time.

V. 367. *Speak't thou of Syrian Princes, &c.*] The ſtrange ſtory following which may be taken for a ſiſction of the Poet, is juſtified by a true relation in Spon's Voyages. Vaillant (who wrote the Hiftory of the Syrian Kings as it is to be found on medals) coming from the Levant, where he had been collecting various Coins, and being purfued by a Corfaire of Salleè, ſwallowed down twenty gold medals. A ſudden Bouraſque freed him from the Rover, and he got to land with them in his belly. On his road to Avignon he met two Phyſicians, of whom he demanded aſſistance. One advis'd Purgations, the other Vomits. In this uncertainty he took neither, but purfued his way to Lyons, where he found his ancient friend, the famous Phyſician and Antiquary Dufour, to whom he related his adventure. Dufour firſt aſſ'd him whether the Medals were of the higher Empire? He aſſur'd him they were. Dufour was

I

46 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

True, he had wit, to make their value rife;
From foolish Greeks to steal them, was as wife; 370
More glorious yet, from barb'rous hands to keep,
When Sallee Rovers chac'd him on the deep.
Then taught by Hermes, and divinely bold,
Down his own throat he rifqu'd the Grecian gold;
Receiv'd each Demi-God, with pious care, 375
Deep in his Entrails — I rever'd them there,
I bought them, shrouded in that living shrine,
And, at their second birth, they iffue mine.

Witneſs great Ammon! by whose horns I ſwore,
(Reply'd ſoft Annius) this our paunch before 380
Still bears them, faithful; and that thus I eat,
Is to refund the Medals with the meat.

REMARKS.

ravish'd with the hope of poſſeſing ſuch a treasure,
he bargain'd with him on the ſpot for the moſt cu-
rious of them, and was to recover them at his own
expence.

V. 375. — *each Demi-God.*] They are called
Θείοι on their Coins.

V. 379. Witneſs great Ammon! ] Jupiter Ammon
is call'd to witneſs, as the father of Alexander, to
whom thofe Kings ſucceeded in the divifion of the
Macedonian Empire, and whole Horns they wore on
their Medals.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

47

To prove me, Goddeſs! clear of all deſign,
Bid me with Pollio ſup, as well as dine :
There all the Learn'd ſhall at the labour ſtand, 385
And Douglas lend his ſoft, obſtetric hand.

The Goddeſs ſmiling ſeem'd to give conſent ;
So back to Pollio, hand in hand, they went.

Then thick as locuſts black'ning all the ground,
A Tribe, with weeds and ſhells ſantaſtic crown'd, 390
Each with ſome wond'rous gift approach'd the Pow'r,
A Neſt, a Toad, a Fungus, or a Flow'r.
But far the foremost, two, with earneſt zeal
And aspect ardent, to the THRONE appeal.

The firſt thus open'd: Hear thy ſuppliant's call, 395
Great Queen, and common Mother of us all!

REMARKS.

V. 386. *Douglas.*] A Physician of great Learning and no leſs Tafte; above all curious in what related to *Horace*, of whom he collected every Edition, Transflation, and Comment, to the number of ſeveral hundred volumes.

V. 389. Then thick as locuſts black'ning all the ground.] The ſimilitude of Locusſs does not refer more to the numbers than to the qualities of the Virtuofi : who not only devour and lay waſte every tree, ſhrub, and green leaf in their Courſe, i. e. of experiments ; but ſuffer neither a moſs nor fungus to eſcape un- touched.

SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

48 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Fair from its humble bed I rear'd this Flow'r,
Suckled, and chear'd, with air, and fun, and show'r,
Soft on the paper ruff its leaves I spread,
Bright with the gilded button tip't its head, 400
Then thron'd in glaſs, and nam'd it CAROLINE:
Each Maid cry'd, charming! and each Youth, divine!
Did Nature's pencil ever blend such rays,
Such vary'd light in one promiscuous blaze?
Now profrate! dead! behold that Caroline: 405
No Maid cries, charming! and no Youth, divine!

## REMARKS.

V. 401. — and nam'd it Caroline] It is a compliment which the Florifts uſually pay to Princes and great perſons, to give their names to the moſt curious Flowers of their raiſing: Some have been very jea-lous of vindicating this honour, but none more than that ambitious Gardiner at Hammerſmith, who cauſed his Favourite to be painted on his Sign, with this inſcription, This is My Queen Caroline.

## IMITATIONS.

V. 397, &c. Fair from it's humble bed — &c.
— nam'd it Caroline.
Each Maid cry'd, charming! and each Youth, di-
vine!
Now profrate, dead! behold that Caroline!
No Maid cries, charming! and no Youth, divine! ]

Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 49

And lo the wretch! whose vile, whose inſect luſt
Lay'd this gay daughter of the Spring in duſt.
Oh puniſh him, or to th' Elyſian ſhades
Diſmiſs my ſoul, where no Carnation fades. 410
He ceas'd, and wept. With innocence of mien,
Th' Accus'd ſtood forth, and thus addreſs'd the Queen.
Of all th' enamel'd race, whose filv'ry wing
Waves to the tepid Zephyrs of the ſpring,
Or ſwims along the fluid atmosphere, 415
Once brighteſt ſhin'd this child of Heat and Air.
I ſaw, and ſtarted from its vernal bow'r
The riuſing game, and chac'd from flow'r to flow'r:
It ſled, I follow'd; now in hope, now pain;
It ſlopt, I ſlopt; it mov'd, I mov'd again. 420

## IMITATIONS.

Theseſe Verſes are tranſlated from Catullus, Epit.

Ut flos in ſeptis ſecretus nascitur hortis,
Quam mulcent auræ, firmat Sol, educat imber,
Multi illum pueri, multæ optavere puellæ:
Idem quum tenui carptus deſloruit ungui,
Nulli illum pueri, nullæ optavere puellæ, &c.

## REMARKS.

V. 413. Of all th' enamel'd race.] The Poet
feems to have an eye to Spenſer, Muiopotrnos.

Of all the race of ſilver-winged Flies
Which do poffeſs the Empire of the Air.

V. 419, 420. It ſled, I follow'd, &c.]

E

50

The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

At laſt it fix'd, 'twas on what plant it pleas'd,
And where it fix'd, the beauteous bird I feiz'd:
Rofe or Carnation, was below my care;
I meddle, Goddeſs! only in my ſphere.
I tell the naked faſt without diſguife,
And, to excufe it, need but ſhew the prize;
Whofe ſpoils this paper offers to your eye,
Fair ev'n in death! this peerleſs Butterſy.

My ſons! (ſhe anſwer'd) both have done your parts:
Live happy both, and long promote our arts. 430
But hear a Mother, when ſhe recommends
To your fraternal care, our ſleeping friends.
The common Soul, of Heav'n's more frugal make,
Serves but to keep fools pert, and knaves awake:
A drowzy Watchman, that juſt gives a knock 435
And breaks our reſt, to tell us what's a clock.
Yet by ſome object ev'ry brain is ſtirr'd;
The dull may waken to a Humming-bird;

REMARKS.

V. 432. — our ſleeping Friends.] Of whom fee
V. 337 above.

IMITATIONS.

— I ſtarted back,
It ſtarted back; but pleas'd I ſoon return'd,
Please'd it return'd as ſoon —

Milton.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

51

The moſt recluſe, diſcreetly open'd, find
Congenial matter in the Cockle-kind;      440
The mind, in Metaphyſics at a loſs,
May wander in a wilderneſs of Moſs;
The head that turns at ſuper-lunar things
Poiz'd with a tail, may ſteer on Wilkins' wings.
O! would the Sons of men once think their Eyes
And Reaſon giv'n them but to ſtudy Flies!      446

REMARKS.

V. 442. — a wilderneſs of Moſs.] Of which
the Naturaliſts count I can't tell how many ſpecies.

V. 444. Wilkins' *Wings*.] One of the firſt Proje-
ctors of the Royal Society, who, among many en-
larged and useful notions, entertain'd the extravagant
hope of a poſsibility to fly to the Moon; which has
put ſome volatile Genius's upon making wings for
that purpofe.

V. 445. O would the Sons of Men, &c.] This is
the third ſpeech of the Goddeſs to her Suppli-
cants, and compleats the whole of what ſhe had to
give in inſtruction on this important occafion, con-
cerning Learning, Civil Society, and Religion. In
the firſt ſpeech, ver. 115, to her Editors and con-
ceited Critics, ſhe directs how to deprave Wit and
difcredit fine Writers. In her ſecond, ver. 169, to
the Educators of youth, ſhe ſhews them how all
Civil Duties may be extinguilſh'd, in that one do-
ſtrine of divine Hereditary Right. And in this
third, ſhe charges the Inveſtigators of Nature to
amufe themſelves in Trifles, and reſt in ſecond
cauſes, with a total diſregard of the Firſt. This

E 2

52

The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

See Nature in some partial narrow shape,
And let the Author of the Whole escape:
Learn but to trifle; or, who most observe,
To wonder at their Maker, not to serve.

450

Be that my task (replies a gloomy Clerk,
Sworn foe to Myft'ry, yet divinely dark;
Whole pious hope aspires to see the day
When Moral Evidence shall quite decay,

REMARKS.

being all that Dulneſs can wifh, is all the needs to
fay; and we may apply to her (as the Poet hath
manag'd it) what hath been faid of true Wit, that
She neither fays too little, nor too much.

V. 451. — *a gloomy Clerk.*] The Epithet gloomy in this line may seem the fame with that of dark in the next. But *gloomy* relates to the uncomfortable and difaſtrous condition of an irreligious Sceptic, whereas *dark* alludes only to his puzzled and embroiled Systems.

V. 454. When Moral Evidence shall quite decay.] Alluding to a ridiculous and absurd way of some Mathematicians, in calculating the gradual decay of Moral Evidence by mathematical proportions: according to which calculation, in about fifty years it will be no longer probable that Julius Cæsar was in Gaul, or died in the Senate-House. See *Craig's, Theologіæ Christianæ Principia Mathematica*. But as it seems evident, that fact of a thousand years old, for instance, are now as probable as they were five hundred years ago; it is plain that if in fifty more they quite disappear, it must be owing, not to their

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

And damns implicit faith and holy lies,
Prompt to impose, and fond to dogmatize :)
Let others creep by timid ſteps, and flow,
On plain Experience lay foundations low,
By common ſense to common knowledge bred,
And laſt, to Nature's Caufe thro' Nature led.
All-feeing in thy miſts, we want no guide,
Mother of Arrogance, and Source of Pride!
We nobly take the high Priori Road,
And reaſon downward, till we doubt of God:

REMARKS.

Arguments, but to the extraordinary Power of our Goddeſs; for whoſe help therefore they have reaſon to pray.

V. 463. — *the high Priori Road.*] Thoſe who, from the effects in this Vifible world, deduce the Eternal Power and Godhead of the First Caufe, tho' they cannot attain to an adequate idea of the Deity, yet diſcover ſo much of him, as enables them to fee the End of their Creation, and the Means of their Happineſs; whereas they who take this high Priori Road, (ſuch as Hobbs, Spinoza, Des Cartes, and ſome better Reaſoners) for one that goes right, ten ſoſe themselves in Miſts, or ramble after Vifions which deprive them of all fight of their End, and miſlead them in the choice of wrong means.

V. 464. And reaſon downward, till we doubt of God.] This was in fact the cafe of thoſe who, inſtead of reaſoning from a vifible world, to an in-vifible God, took the other road; and, from an in-vifible God (to whom they had given attributes

53

455

460

E 3

54 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Make Nature still incroach upon his plan; 465

And shove him off as far as e'er we can :

Thrust some Mechanic Cauſe into his place ;

Or bind in Matter, or diffuse in Space.

REMARKS.

agreable to certain metaphysical principles formed
out of their own imaginations) reafoned *downwards*
to a *vifible* *world* in theory, of Man's Creation,
which not agreeing, as might be expeſted, to that
of God's, they began, from their inability to ac-
count for *evil*, which they ſaw in his world, to
doubt of that God whoſe being they had ad-
mitted, and whoſe attributes they had deduced, a
*priori*, on weak and miſtaken principles.

V. 465. — *Make Nature still.*] This relates to
such as being affamed to affert a mere Mechanic
Cauſe, and yet unwilling to forſake it intirely, have
had recourse to a certain *Plastic Nature*, *Elaſtic*
*Fluid, subtile Matter, &c.* For Philofophy has at
length brought us to that extreme of Folly, as to
eſteem it unphilofophical to reſt in the firſt Cauſe ;
as if its end was an endleſs indagation of cauſe
after cauſe, without ever coming to the firſt. So
that to avoid this unlearned diſgrace, occasioned a
recourse to the ingenious expedients above mentioned.

V. 467. *Thrust some Mechanic Cauſe into his place,*
*Or bind in Matter, or diffuse in Space.*]

The firſt of these Follies is that of Des Cartes, the
ſecond of Hobbs, the third of ſome succeeding Phi-
loſophers.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

55

Or, at one bound o'erleaping all his laws,

Make God Man's Image, Man the final Cauſe, 470

Find Virtue local, all Relation ſcorn,

See all in *Self*, and but for ſelf be born:

REMARKS.

V. 469. Or, at one bound, &c.] These words are
very significant : In their Phyſical and Metaphy-
fical reaſonings it was a chain of pretended demon-
trations that drew them into all these abſurd con-
clusions. But their errors in morals reſt only on bold
and impudent aſſertions, without the leaſt ſhadow
of proof, in which they o'erleap all the laws of Ar-
gument as well as Truth. Here the Poet, from the
errors relating to a Deity in Natural Philofophy,
defcends to thofe in Moral,

*Make God Man's Image, Man the Final Cauſe,*
*Find Virtue local, all Relation ſcorn,*
*See all in Self*—

Man was made according to God's Image; this falſe
Theology, measuring his Attributes by ours, makes
God after Man's Image. This proceeds from the
imperfection of his Reaſon; the next, of imagining
himſelf the Final Cauſe, is the effect of his Pride;
as the making Virtue and Vice arbitrary, and Mora-
lity the impoſition of the Magiſtrate, is of the Cor-
ruption of his heart. Hence he centers every thing
in himſelf. The Progrefs of Dulneſs herein differing
from that of Madneſs, one ends in ſeeing all in God,
the other in ſeeing all in ſelf.

E 4

56 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Of nought so certain as our Reafon still,
Of nought so doubtful as of Soul and Will.
Oh hide the God still more! and make us see
Such as Lucretius drew, a God like Thee:
Wrapt up in Self, a God without a Thought,
Regardles of our Merit or Default.
Or that bright Image to our fancy draw,
Which Theocles in raptur'd Vifion saw,
475
480

## REMARKS.

V. 473. Of nought so certain as our Reafon still.] Of which we have moſt cauſe to be diffident. Of nought so doubtful as of Soul and Will: Two things the moſt ſelf-evident, the Exiſtence of our Soul, and the Freedom of our Will.

V. 476. Such as Lucretius drew.] Lib. I. ver. 57.

Omnis enim per se Divom natura neceſſe est
Immortali ævo ſumma cum pace fruatur,
Semota ab noſtris rebus, ſummotaque longe —
Nec bene pro meritis capitur, nec tangitur ira.

From whence the two verſes following are translated,
and wonderfully agree with the character of our
Goddeſs.

SCRIBL.

V. 479. Or that bright Image.] Bright Image was the Title given by the later Platoniſts to that Idea of Nature, which they had form'd in their fancy, so bright, that they call'd it Αὐτοπίου Ἀγαλμῆχ, or the Self-seen Image, i. e. seen by its own light.

V. 480. Which Theocles in raptur'd Vifion saw.]

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

57

While thro' Poetic ſcenes the Genius roves,
Or wanders wild in Academic Groves ;

## REMARKS.

Thus this Philofopher calls upon his Friend, to part-
take with him in these Vifions.

“ To-morrow, when the Eastern Sun

“ With his firſt Beams adorns the front

“ Of yonder Hill, if you're content

“ To wander with me in the Woods you see,

“ We will purſue thofe Loves of ours,

“ By favour of the Sylvan Nymphs:

“ and invoking firſt the Genius of the Place, we'll

“ try to obtain at least ſome faint and diſtant view of

“ the Sovereign Genius and first Beauty. Charaſt.
Vol. 2. pag. 245.

This Genius is thus apoſtrophized (pag. 345.) by
the fame Philofopher.

“ — O glorious Nature!

“ Supremely fair, and ſovereignly good!

“ All-loving, and all-lovely! all divine!

“ Wife Subſtitute of Providence! impow'r'd

“ Creatrefs! or, impow'ring Deity,

“ Supreme Creator!

“ Thee I invoke, and thee alone adore.

Sir Isaac Newton diſtinguishes between these two
in a very different manner. [Princ. Schol. gen. ſub
fin.] — Hunc cognoſcimus ſolummodo per proprietates
ſuas & attributa, & per ſapientiſſimas & optimas re-
rum ſtruxuras, & cauſas finales; veneramur autem
& colimus ob dominium. Deus etenim ſine dominio,
providentia, & cauſis ſinalibus, nihil aliud eſt quam
Fatum & Natura.

V. 481.—rowes, Or wanders wild in Academic

58 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

That NATURE our Society adores,
Where Tindal dictates, and Silenus fnores.

Rous'd at his name, up rofe the bowzy Sire, 485
And fhook from out his Pipe the feeds of Fire;
Then ſnapt his box, and ſtrok'd his belly down :
Rofy and rev'rend, tho' without a Gown.
Hland and familiar to the throne he came,
Led up the Youth, and call'd the Goddeſs *Dame*. 490
Then thus. From Prieſt-craft happily ſet free,
Lo! ev'ry finiſh'd Son returns to thee :
Firſt ſlave to Words, then vaffal to a Name,
Then dupe to Party; child and man the fame;

REMARKS.

Groves.] " Above all things I lov'd *Eafe*, and of all
" Philosophers thofe who reaſon'd moſt *at their*
" *Eafe*, and were never angry or diſturb'd, as thofe
" call'd *Scepticks* never were: I look'd upon this
" kind of Philosophy as the *prettieſ*, *aggreableſt*,
" vowing *Exercise of the Mind*, poſſible to be ima-
" gined. Vol. II. p. 206.

V. 484. *Silenus*.[] Silenus was an Epicurean Philosopher, as appears from Virgil, Eclog. VI, where he ſings the Principles of that Philosophy in his drink.

V. 486. *Seeds of Fire*.[] The Epicurean language, *Semina rerum*, or Atoms. Virg. Eclog. VI. *Semina ignis*, — *semina flammæ* —

V. 493. Firſt ſlave to Words, &c.] A Recapitulation of the whole Course of Modern Education described in this book, which confines Youth to the study of Words only in Schools, subjects them to

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

59

Bounded by Nature, narrow'd ſtill by Art,
A trifling head, and a contraſted heart.
Thus bred, thus taught, how many have I ſeen,

Thus bred, thus taught, how many have I seen,
Smiling on all, and ſmil'd on by a Queen,
Mark'd out for Honours, honour'd for their Birth,

To thee the moſt rebellious things on earth; 500
Now to thy ſhade from all their glory ſhrunk,
All melted down, in Poffion, or in Punk!

So * * fo ** ſneak'd into the grave,
A Monarch's half, and half a Harlot's ſlave.

Poor W**o**n**d**n't pnipt in Folly's broadeſt bloom, 505
Who praifes now? his Chaplain on his Tomb.
Then take them all, oh take them to thy breaſt;

Thy *Magus*, Goddeſs! ſhall perform the reſt.

With that, a WIZARD OLD his Cup extends,
Which whoſo taſtes, forgets his former friends, 510

REMARKS.

the authority of ſystems in the Univerſities, and
deludes them with the names of Party-diftincions
in the World. All equally concurring to narrow
the understanding, and eſtablish Slavery and Error,
in Literature, Philofophy, and Politicks. The whole
finiſhed in modern Free-thinking; the completion of
whatever is vain, wrong, and deſtructive to the hap-
pineſs of mankind, as it eſtablishes Self-love for the
ſole Principle of Action.

V. 509. With that a Wizard old, &c] Here be-
ginneth the celebration of the greater Mysteries of the
Goddeſs, which the Poet in his *Invocation* V. 5. pro-
mifed to ſing. For when now each Aspirant, as was

60 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Sire, Ancestors, Himself. One cafts his eyes
Up to a Star, and like Endymion dies.

REMARKS.

the custom, had proved his qualification and claim
to a participation, the High-Priest of Dulnefs firft
initiateth the Assembly by the usual way of Libation.
And then each of the Initiated, as was always re-
quired, putteth on a new Nature, defcribed from
V. 510 to 521. When the High-Priest and Goddeſs
have thus done their Parts, each of them is delivered
into the hands of his Conduſtor, an inferior Minifter
or Hierophant, whose names are Impudence, Stupe-
faction, Self-conceit, Self-intereft, Pleafure, Epicurifm,
&c. to lead them from V. 524 to 557. thro' the
feveral apartments of her Myſtic Dome or Palace.
When all this is over,the ſovereign Goddeſs, from V.
557 to 592 conferreth her Titles and Degrees; re-
wards infeparably attendant on the participation of
the Myſteries; which made the ancient Theon ſay of
them —καλλισα μὴν οὖν, καὶ τῶν μεγίσων ἀγαθῶν τὸ
Μυτηγίων μετέχω. Hence it was enriched with
ſo many various Gifts and Graces; Initiation into the
Myſteries was anciently, as well as in theſe our
times, eſteemed a neceſſary qualification for every
high office and employment, whether in Church or
State. Laſtly the great Mother flutteth up the So-
lemnity with her gracious benediction, which con-
cludeth in drawing the Curtain, and laying
all her Children to reſt. It is to be obſerved
that Dulneſs, long before this her Reſtoration, had
her Pontiffs in Partibus; who from time to time held
her Myſteries in ſecret, and with great privacy.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

6I

A Feather ſhooting from another's head,
Extraſts his brain, and Principle is fled,
Loft is his God, his Country, ev'ry thing;
And nothing left but Homage to a King.

515

REMARKS.

But now, on her Re-establishment, she celebrateth
them, like thofe of the Cretans, the moſt ancient of
all Myſteries, in open Day, and offereth them to the
inspection of all Men.

SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. 509. — his Cup, which whoſo taſſes, &c.] The Cup of Self-love, which cauſes a total oblivion of the obligations of Friendſhip, Honour, and Service of God or our Country; all factiſed to Vain-glory, Court-worſhip, or yet meaner considerations of Lucre and brutal Pleaſures. From Ver. 512 to 520.

V. 515. Loft is his God, his Country —

V. 515. — *Loft is his God, his Country* —
*And nothing left but Homage to a King.*] So ſtrange
as this muſt ſeem to a mere Englifh reader, the ſa-
mous Monſ. de la Bruyere declares it to be the cha-
raſter of every good Subjeſt in a Monarchy: "Where
" (fays he) *there is no ſuch thing as Love of our Country,*
" the Intereft, the Glory and Service of the Prince
" ſupply its place. [*De la Republique*, Chap. 10.]

IMITATIONS.

V. 510. — Which whoſo taſſes, forgets his former
friends, Sire, &c.] Homer of the Nepenthe. Odyſſ.IV.

Αὐτίκ' ἄρ' εἰς ὁίον βάλε Φάσμακον, ἔνθεν ἔπινον
Νηπιεύθις τ' ἀχολόν τι, κακῶν ἐπίληθον ἀπάντων.

62 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

The vulgar herd turn off to roll with Hogs,
To run with HorSES, or to hunt with Dogs:
But, fad example! never to escape,
Their Infamy, still keep the human shape.
520

But she, good Goddeſs, ſent to ev'ry child
Firm Impudence, or Stupeſaſtion mild;
And ſtrait ſucceeded, leaving Shame no room,
Cibberian forehead, or Cimmerian gloom.
525

Kind Self-conceit to ſome her Glaſs applies,
Which no one looks in with another's eyes.
But as the Flatt'rer or Dependant paint,
Beholds himſelf a Patriot, Chief, or Saint.
525

On others Int'reſt her gay Liv'ry flings,
Int'reſt, that waves on Party-colour'd wings:
Turn'd to the Sun, ſhe caſts a thousand dyes,
And as ſhe turns the Colours fall or rife.
530

REMARKS.

V. 520. — *ſill keep the human ſhape.*] The Ef-
fects of the Magus's Cup are juſt contrary to that of
Circe. Hers took away the ſhape and left the hu-
man mind: This takes away the mind, and leaves
the human ſhape.

V. 521. *But she, good Goddeſs, &c.*] The only comfort fuch people can receive, muſt be owing in ſome ſhape or other to Dulneſſ; which makes ſome ſtupid, others impudent; gives Self-conceit to ſome, upon the Platteries of their dependants; preſents the falſe colours of Intereft to others; and buſies or amuſes the reſt with idle pleaſures or ſenſuality, till they become eafy under any infamy. Each of which ſpecies is here ſhadowed under Allegorical perſons.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

63

Others, the Syren Sifters warble round,
And empty heads conſole with empty found.
No more, alas! the voice of Fame they hear,
The balm of Dulneſſ trickling in their ear.
Great Shades of *Cooper, Maynard, Harcourt, King,*
Why all your Toils? your Sons have learn'd to ſing;
How quick Ambition haſtes to ridicule!
The Sire is made a Peer, the Son a Fool.
540

On ſome, a Prieſ ſuccinſt in Amice white
Attends; all ſleſh is nothing in his ſight!
Beeves, at his touch, at once to jelly turn,
And the huge Boar is ſhrunk into an Urn.
The board with ſpecious miracles he loads,
Turns Hares to Larks, and Pigeons into Toads.
545

REMARKS.

V. 545. *The board with ſpecious Miracles he loads, &c.*] Scriblerus ſeems at a loſs in this place. *Specioſa Miracula* (*ſays he*) according to Horace, were the monſtrous Fables of the Cyclops, Læſtrygons, Scylla, &c. What relation have theſe to the transformation of Hares into Larks, or of Pigeons into Toads? I ſhall tell thee. The Læſtrygons ſpitted Men upon Spears, as we do Larks upon Skewers: and the fair Pigeon turned to a Toad is ſimilar to the fair Virgin Scylla ending in a filthy beaſt. But here is the diffi-culty: why Pigeons in ſo ſhocking a ſhape ſhould be brought to a Table? Hares indeed might be cut in-to Larks at a ſecond drefſing, out of frugality: Yet that ſeems no probable motive, when we confider the extravagance before-mention'd, of diffolving whole Oxen and Boars into a ſmall vial of Jelly; nay it

64 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

Another (for in all what one can shine?)

Explains the Seve and Verdeur of each Vine.

What cannot copious Sacrifice attone?

Thy Treuflles, Perigord ! thy Hams, Bayonne ! 550

With French libation and Italian fttrain,

Waſh Bla* white, and expiate Hays's ſtain.

REMARKS.

is expreſly faid, that all Fleſh is nothing in his fight.
I have searched in Apicius, Pliny, and the Feaſt of
Trimalchio, in vain; I can only reſolve it into ſome
myſlerious ſuperflitious Rite, as it is faid to be done
by a Prieſt, and ſoon after called a Sacrifice, and
attended (as all ancient ſacrifices were) with Liba-
tion and Song.
SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

This good Scholiaſt, not being acquainted with
modern Luxury, was ignorant that theſe were only
the miracles of French Cookery, and that particularly
Pigeons en Crapeau were a common diſh.

V. 548. Seve and Verdeur] French Terms relating to Wines. St. Evremont has a very pathetic Letter to a Nobleman in diſgrace, advifing him to feek Comfort in a good Table, and particularly to be attentive to theſe Qualities in his Champaigne.

V. 552. Bla—, Hays's.] Names of Gameſters.
Bla— is a black man. Robert Knight Caſhier of
the South-Sea Company, who fled from England in
1720— Theſe lived with the utmoſt magnificence
at Paris, and kept open Tables, frequented by per-
fons of the firſt Quality of England, and even by
Princes of the Blood of France.

V. id. Bla— &c] The former Note of Bla—
is a black man, is very abſurd. The Manuſcript here
is partly obliterated, and doubtlesſ could only have
been, Waſh Blackmoors white, alluding to a known
Proverb.
SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

65

Knight lifts the head, for what are crowds undone
To three eſſential Partriges in one ?

Gone ev'ry bluſh, and ſilent all reproach,

555

Contending Princes take them in their Coach.

Next, bidding all draw near on bended knees,
The Queen confers her Titles and Degrees.

Her Children firſt of more diſtinguifh'd ſort,

Who ſtudy Shakespeare at the Inns of Court,

560

Impale a Glow-worm, or Vertù profefs,

Shine in the dignity of F. R. S.

Some, deep Free-Maſons, join the ſilent race

Worthy to fill Pythagoras's place :

Some Botanilſs, or Florilſs at the leaſt,

Or iſſue Members of an Annual ſeaſt.

565

REMARKS.

V. 554.— three eſſential Partriges in one.] i. e.
Two diſolved into Quinteſſence to make ſauce for the
third. The honour of this invention belongs to France,
yet has it been excell'd by our native luxury, an hun-
dred ſquad Turkeys being not unfrequently depoſited
in one Pye in the Bifhopric of Durham : to which
our Author alludes in Ver. 583 of this work.

V. 563. Some, deep Free-Maſons, join the ſilent race.] The Poet all along expresses a very particular concern for this ſilent Race: He has here provided, that in cafe they will not waken or open (as was before propoſed) to a Humming Bird or Cockle, yet at worſt they may be made Free-Maſons; where Taciturnity is the only eſſential Qualification, as it was one of the chief of the diſciples of Pythagoras.

F

† Caſhier of the Southsea company. He lived
at Paris. His son was made Lord Lunborough.

["66 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.", "Nor paft the meaneſt unregarded, one\nRofe a Gregorian, one a Gormogon.\nThe laſt, not leaſt in honour or applaſe,\nIſis and Cam made Doſtors of her Laws.\n570", "Then bleſſing all, Go Children of my care!\nTo Practice now from Theory repair.\nAll my commands are eafy, ſhort, and full:\nMy Sons ! be proud, be ſelſiſh, and be dull.\nGuard my Prerogative, aſſert my Thrope : 575\nThis Nod confirms each Privilege your own.", "REMARKS.", "V. 568.—a Gregorian, one a Gormogon.] A ſort of\nLay-brothers, *Slips* from the root of the Free-Maſons.", "V. 576. *each Privilege your own, &c.*] This ſpeech of Dulneſs to her Sons at parting may poffibly fall ſhort of the Readers expeſtation; who may imagine the Goddeſs might give them a Charge of more conſequence, and from ſuch a Theory as is before deli- vered, incite them to the practice of ſomething more extraordinary, than to perſonate Running-Footmen, Jockeys, Stage Coachmen, &c.", "But if it be well confider'd, that whatever inclina-\ntion they might have to do miſchief, her ſons are\ngenerally render'd harmleſs by their Inability; and\nthat it is the common effect of Dulneſs (even in her\ngreateſt efforts) to defeat her own deſign; the Poet,\nI am perſuaded, will be juſtified, and it will be allow'd\nthat theſe worthy perſons, in their ſeveral ranks, do\nas much as can be expeſted from them. And we fee\nhe was aware of this, by ſingling out one or two\nwho aimed higher, but at the fame time tells us that\ntheir aims muſt be unſucceſſul.", "Book IV. The DUNCIAD. 67", "The Cap and Switch be ſacred to his Grace ;\nWith Staſſ and Pumps the Marquiſs lead the Race ;\nFrom Stage to Stage the licenſ'd Earl may run,\nPair'd with his Fellow-Charioteer, the Sun; 580", "The learned Baron Butterflies deſign,\nOr draw to ſilk Arachne's ſubtile line;\nThe Judge to dance his brother Sergeant call;\nThe Senator at Cricket urge the Ball;\nThe Bifhоп flow (Pontiſc Luxury !)\nAn hundred Souls of Turkeys in a pye;\n585", "The flurdy Squire to Gallick maſters ſloop,\nAnd drown his Lands and Manors in a Soupe.\nOthers import yet nobler arts from France,\nTeach Kings to fiddle, and make Senates dance. 590\nPerhaps more high ſome daring ſon may ſoar,\nProud to my lift to add one Monarch more—\nPerhaps — * * * * * * * * * * *

68 The DUNCIAD. Book IV.

— but here she stops, she yawns, she nods:
What Mortal can refit the Yawn of Gods?
Churches and Chapels instantly it reach'd,
St. James's first, for leaden Gilbert preach'd: 600

REMARKS.

V. 598. *What Mortal can refit the Yawn of Gods?*]
This verfe is truly Homerical; as is the conclusion of
the Action, where the great Mother compofes all, in
the fame manner as Minerva at the period of the
Odyssey.—It may indeed seem a very fingular Epitaphs
of a Poem, to end as this does, with a *Great Yawn*; but
we must confider it as the *Yawn of a God*, and of power-
ful effects. It is not out of Nature, moft long and grave
counfels concluding in this very manner: Nor without
Authority, the incomparable Spencer having ended
one of the moft confiderable of his works with a
*Roar*, but then it is the *Roar of a Lion*, the effects where-
of are defcribed as the Catastrophe of his Poem.

V. 599. *Churches and Chapels, &c.*] The Progrefls
of this Yawn is judicious, natural, and worthy to be
noted. First it feizeth the Churches and Chapels;
then catcheth the Schools, where, tho' the boys be
unwilling to sleep, the Masters are not: Next Weft-
minfter-hall, much more hard indeed to subdue, and
not totally put to silence even by the Goddeſs: Then
the Convocation, which tho' extremely defirous to
ſpeak, yet cannot: Even the House of Commons,
justly called the Senſe of the Nation, is loſt (that is
to say *ſuspended*) during the Yawn (far be it from our
Author to fuggeſt it could be loſt any longer!) but
it ſpreadeth at large over all the reſt of the Kingdom,
to ſuch a degree, that Palinurus himſelf (tho' as in-
capable of ſleeping as Jupiter) yet noddeth for a
moment: the effect of which, tho' ever so momen-

Book IV. The DUNCIAD.

69

Then catch'd the Schools; the Hall ſearce kept awake;
The Convocation gap'd, but could not ſpeak:
Loſt was the Nation's Senſe, nor could be found,
While the long Solemn Unifon went round;
Wide, and more wide, it ſpread o'er all the realm;
Ev'n Palinurus nodded at the Helm; 606

The Vapour mild o'er each Committee crept;

Unfinifh'd Treaties in each Office ſlept;

And Chief-leſs Armies doz'd out the Campaign;

And Navies yawn'd for Orders on the Main. 610

O Mufe! relate (for you can tell alone;

Wits have ſhort Memories, and Dulneſs none)

Relate, who first, who laſt reſign'd to reſt;

Whofe Heads ſhe partly, whoſe compleatly bleſt;

REMARKS.

tary, could not but cauſe ſome Relaxation, for the
time, in all public affairs.

SCRIBL.

SCRIBL.

V. 608, 610.] Theſe Verſes were written many
years ago, and may be found in the State-Poems of
that time. So that Scriblerus is miftaken, or who-
ever else wrote the Argument prefixt to this Book,
where it is faid, “the effects of the Yawn are not
“unfelt at this day.”

V. 612. *Wits have ſhort Memories.*] This ſeems
to be the reaſon why the Poets, whenever they give
us a Catalogue, conſantly call for help on the Mufe,
who as the Daughters of *Memory*, are obliged not
to forget any thing. So Homer, Iliad II.

Πληθυν ἀν ἀν ἀγω μυθισομαι, οὐδ ὄσμην,
Εἰ μὴ Ὀλυμπιάδες Μῶσαι, Διὸς αἰγιόχον
Οὐγαλέες, μυσοαίαται

+Archbishop of York.

70 The DUNCAD. Book IV.

What Charms could Faction, what Ambition lull,
The Venal quiet, and intrance the Dull; 616
Till drown'd was Senſe, and Shame, and Right, and
Wrong. —
Oh ſing, and huff the Nations with thy Song!
While the great Mother bids Britannia ſleep,
And pours her Spirit o'er the Land and Deep. 620

Deeſt FINIS.

And Virgil, Æn. VII.

Et meminiftis enim, Divæ, & memorare poteſtis:
Ad nos wix tenui famæ perlabitur aura.

But our Poet had yet another reaſon for putting this
Taſk upon the Mufe; that all beſides being aſleep,
ſhe only could relate what paſſed.

SCRIBL.

V. 620. — o’er the Land and Deep.] It was but
neceſſary to ſay this expresſly, that Britain might
not be ſuppos’d to be in this condition alone, but
in company with all other Nations of Europe. It
had been a monſtrous impropriety, in ſuch a caſe,
to have made any Nation keep awake, except France.
But our Poet, tho’ a Satirift, is an utter enemy to all
National Reſlections.

SCRIBL.

It is impoſſible to lament ſufficiently the loſs of the
reſt of this Poem, juſt at the opening of ſo ſair a
ſcene as the Invocation ſeems to promiſe. It is to
be hoped however that the Poet compleated it, and
that it will not be loſt to poſterity, if we may truſt to
a Hint given in one of his Satires,

Publiſh the preſent Age, but where the Text
Is Vice too high, reſerve it for the next.

ii

3

CONTENTS.

Chap. 8. Anatomy.

Chap. 9. *How Crambe had some Words with his Master.*

Chap. 10. *How Martin became a Critick.*

Chap. 11. *Of Martinus's Uncommon Practice of Physick, and how he applied himself to the Diseases of the Mind.*

Chap. 12. *The Cafe of a young Nobleman at Court, with the Doctor's Prescription for the Same.*

Chap. 13. *How Martinus endeavour'd to find out the Seat of the Soul, and of his Correspondence with the Free-Thinkers.*

Chap. 14. *The Double Miftres. A Novel.*

Chap. 15. *Of the strange, and never to be parallel'd Procefs at Law upon the Marriage of Scriblerus, and the Pleadings of the Advocates.*

Chap. 16. *Of the Secession of Martinus, and some Hint of his Travels.*

Chap. 17. *Of the Discoveries and Works of the Great Scriblerus, made and to be made, written and to be written, known and unknown.*

[v]

INTRODUCTION
To the READER.

IN the Reign of Queen ANNE (which, notwithstanding those happy Times which succeeded, every Englishman has not forgot) thou mayst poffibly, gentle Reader, have seen a certain Venerable Person, who frequented the Out-fide of the Palace of St. James's; and who, by the Gravity of his Deportment and Habit, was generally taken for a decay'd Gentleman of Spain. His figure was tall, his visage long, his complexion olive, his brows were black and even, his eyes hollow yet piercing, his nose inclin'd to aquiline, his beard neglected and mix'd with grey: All this contributed to spread a solemn Melancholy over his countenance. Pythagoras was not more silent, Pyrrho more motionles, nor Zeno more auſtere. His Wig was as black and ſmooth as the plumes of a Raven, and hung as ſtrait as the hair of a River-God rifting from the water. His Cloak ſo completely covered his whole person, that whether or no he had any other cloaths (much leſs any linen)

A 3

vi INTRODUCTION

under it, I shall not say; but his word appear'd a
full yard behind him, and his manner of wearing
it was so stiff, that it seem'd grown to his Thigh.
His whole figure was so utterly unlike any thing of
this world, that it was not natural for any man to ask
him a question without bleffing himself first. Thoſe
who never saw a Jefuit took him for one, and o-
thers believed him some High Priest of the Jews.

But under this macerated form was conceal'd a
Mind replete with Science, burning with a Zeal of
benefiting his fellow-creatures, and filled with an
honest conscious Pride, mixt with a fear of doing
or suffering the least thing beneath the dignity of a
Philosopher. Accordingly he had a foul that would
not let him accept of any offers of Charity, at the
same time that his body seem'd but too much to re-
quire it. His lodging was in a small chamber up
four pair of stairs, where he regularly payed for
what he had when he eat or drank, and he was
often observed wholly to abstain from both. He
declin'd speaking to any one, except the Queen, or
her first Minifter, to whom he attempted to make
some applications; but his real buſinefs or intentions
were utterly unknown to all men. Thus much is
certain, that he was obnoxious to the Queen's Mi-
niftry; who either out of Jealousy or Envy, had
him ſpirited away, and carried abroad as a dange-
rous perſon, without any regard to the known Laws
of the Kingdom.

to the READER.

vii

One day, as this Gentleman was walking about
dinner-time alone in the Mall, it happen'd that a
Manuscript dropt from under his cloak, which my
fervant pick'd up, and brought to me. It was
written in the Latin tongue, and contain'd many
moſt profound Secrets, in an unuſual turn of rea-
ſoning and ſtyle. The firſt leaf was inſcribed with
theſe words, *Codicillus, ſeu Liber Memorialis, Mar-
tini Scribleri.* The Book was of ſo wonderful a na-
ture, that it is incredible what a deſire I conceiv'd
that moment to be acquainted with the Author, who,
I clearly perceived, was ſome great Philosopher in diſ-
guife. I ſeveral times endeavour'd to ſpeak to him,
which he as often induſtriously avoided. At length I
found an opportunity (as he ſlood under the Piazza by
the Dancing-room in St. James's) to acquaint him in
the Latin tongue, that his Manuscript was fallen
into my hands; and ſaying this, I preſented it to
him, with great Encomiums on the learned Au-
thor. Hereupon he took me aſide, ſurvey'd me
over with a fixt attention, and opening the clasps
of the Parchment cover, ſpoke (to my great ſur-
prize) in English, as follows.

" Courteous ſtranger, whoever thou art, I em-
brace thee as my beſt friend; for either the Stars
" and my Art are deceitful, or the deſtin'd time is
" come which is to manifeſt Martinus Scriblerus
" to the world, and thou the perſon choſen by Fate

A 4

viii INTRODUCTION

“ for this task. What thou feet in me is a body
“ exhausted by the labours of the mind. I have
“ found in Dame Nature not indeed an unkind,
“ but a very coy Mistrefs: Watchful nights, an-
” xious days, slender meals, and endless labours
“ muft be the lot of all who purfue her, through
“ her labyrinths and meanders. My firſt vital air
“ I drew in this Island (a foil fruitful of Philoso-
” phers) but my complexion is become aduſt, and
” my body arid, by viſiting lands (as the Poet has
” it) *lio sub sole calentes*. I have, through my
” whole life, paſſed under ſeveral diſguſes and
” unknown names, to ſkreen myſelf from the envy
” and malice which mankind expreſs againſt thofe
” who are poſſeſed of the *Arcanum Magnum*. But
” at preſent I am forſc'd to take Sanctuary in the
” British Court, to avoid the Revenge of a cruel
” Spaniard, who has purſued me almoſt through
” the whole terraqueous globe. Being about four
” years ago in the City of Madrid, in queſt of na-
” tural knowledge, I was informed of a Lady who
” was marked with a Pomegranate upon the inſide
” of her right Thigh, which bloſſom'd, and, as it
” were, ſeem'd to ripen in the due ſeafon. Forth-
” with was I poſſeſed with an inſatiable curioſty
” to view this wonderful Phænomenon. I felt the
” ardour of my paſſion encreafe as the ſeafon ad-
” vanced, till in the month of July I could no
” longer contain. I bribed her Duenna, was ad-

to the READER. ix

“ mitted to the Bath, saw her undrefs'd, and the
“ wonder diſplay'd. This was ſoon after diſcover-
” ed by the Husband, who finding ſome letters I
“ had writ to the Duenna, containing expreſſions
” of a doubtful meaning, ſuſpected me of a crime
“ moſt alien from the Purity of my Thoughts.
“ Incontinently I left Madrid by the advice of
“ friends; have been purſued, dogg'd, and way-
” laid through ſeveral Nations; and even now
” ſcarce think myſelf ſecure within the ſacred walls
” of this Palace. It has been my good fortune to
” have seen all the grand Phænomena of Nature,
” excepting an Earthquake, which I waited for in
” Naples three years in vain; and now, by means
” of ſome British ſhip (whofe Colours no Spaniard
” dares approach) I impatiently expeſt a ſafe paſ-
” fage to Jamaica, for that benefit. To thee, my
” Friend, whom Fate has marked for my Hifto-
” riographer, I leave theſe my Commentaries, and
” others of my works. No more—be faithful
” and impartial.

He ſoon after performed his promife, and left me
the Commentaries, giving me also further lights by
many Conferences; when he was unfortunately
fnatch'd away (as I before related) by the jealouſy
of the Queen's Miniftry.

Tho' I was thus to my eternal grief depriv'd of
his converſation, he for ſome years continued his

## X INTRODUCTION.

Correspondence, and communicated to me many of his Projects for the benefit of mankind. He sent me some of his Writings, and recommended to my care the recovery of others, ftragglng about the world, and asfumed by other men. The last time I heard from him was on occafion of his Stri-ctures on the Dunciad; since when, feveral years being elaps'd, I have reafon to believe this excel-lent Person is either dead, or carry'd by his vehe-ment thift of knowledge into some remote, or per-haps undifcover'd Region of the world. In either cafe, I think it a debt no longer to be delay'd, to reveal what I know of this Prodigy of Science, and to give the Hiftory of his life, and of his ex-tenfive merits, to mankind; in which I dare promife the Reader, that, whenever he begins to think any one Chapter dull, the ſtyle will be immediately changed in the next.

[ II ]

# MEMOIRS
OF
MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS.

## BOOK I.

### CHAP. I.

Of the Parentage and Family of Scriblerus, how he was begot, what Care was taken of him before he was born, and what Prodigies attended his Birth.

IN the City of Munſter in Germany, lived a grave and learned Gentleman, by Proſeffion an Antiquary; who, among all his invaluable Curioſties, eſteemed none more highly than a Skin of the true Pergamenian Parchment, which hung at the upper-end of his hall. On this was curiouſly traced the ancient Pedigree of the Scribleri, with all their Alliances and collateral Re-

12 The MEMOIRS of

lations (among which were reckon'd Albertus Magnus, Paracelsus Bombastus, and the famous Scalligers, in old time Princes of Verona) and deduced even from the Times of the Elder Pliny to Cornelius Scriblerus: For such was the name of this venerable Personage; whose glory it was, that, by the singular Virtue of the Women, not one had a Head of a different Caft from his family.

His wife was a Lady of singular beauty, whom not for that reason only he espoused, but because she was undoubted daughter either of the great Scriverius, or of Gafpar Barthius. It happen'd on a time, the said Gafpar made a visit to Scriverius at Haerlem; taking with him a comely Lady of his acquaintance who was skilful in the Greek Tongue; of whom the learned Scriverius became so enamour'd, as to inebriate his friend, and be familiar with his Miftres. I am not ignorant of what a Columefius affirms, that the learned Barthius was not so overtaken but he perceiv'd it, and in Revenge suffer'd this unfortunate Gentlewoman to be drowned in the Rhine at her return: But Mrs. Scriblerus (the ilfue of that Amour) was a living proof of the falfhood of this Report. Dr. Cornelius was further induced to his marriage from the certain information, that the aforefaid Lady, the mother of

a Columefius relates this from Isaac Voffius, in his Opuscul. p. 102.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 13

his wife, was related to Cardan on the father's side, and to Aldrovandus on the mother's: Besides which, her Ancestors had been professors of Physick, Astrology, or Chemistry, in German Universities, from generation to generation.

With this fair Gentlewoman had our Doctor lived in a comfortable Union for about ten years: But this our sober and orderly pair, without any natural infirmity, and with a constant and frequent compliance to the chief duty of conjugal life, were yet unhappy, in that Heaven had not blessed them with any ilfue. This was the utmost grief to the good man; especially confidering what exact Precautions and Methods he had used to procure that Bleffing: For he never had cohabitation with his spouse, but he ponder'd on the Rules of the Ancients, for the generation of Children of Wit. He ordered his diet according to the preſcription of Galen, confining himself and his wife for almost the whole first year to b Goat's Milk and Honey. It unfortunately befel her, when she was about four months gone with child, to long for somewhat which that author inveighs againſt, as prejudicial to the understanding of the Infant: This her husband thought fit to deny her, affirming, it was better to be childleſs than to become the Parent of a Fool. His Wife miſcarried; but as the Abortion proved only a female Fœtus, he

b Galen Lib. de Cibis boni & mali fucci, cap. 3.

14 *The MEMOIRS of*

comforted himself, that, had it arrived to perfection,
it would not have answered his account; his heart
being wholly fixed upon the learned Sex. However he difdained not to treasure up the Embryo in
a Vial, among the curiosities of his family.

Having discovered that Galen's prescription could
not determine the sex, he forthwith betook himself
to Aris totle. Accordingly he withheld the nuptial
embrace when the wind was in any point of the
South; this <sup>d</sup> Author affirming that the grossines
and moisture of the southerly winds occasion the
procreation of females, and not of males. But he
redoubled his diligence when the wind was at West;
a wind on which that great Philosopher beftowed
the Encomiums of Fatner of the Earth, Breath of
the Elysian Fields, and other glorious Elogies. For
our learned man was clearly of opinion, that the
Semina out of which Animals are produced, are
Animalcula ready formed, and received in with
the Air<sup>e</sup>.

Under these regulations, his wife, to his unex-
preffible joy, grew pregnant a ſecond time; and,
(what was no ſmall addition to his happineſs) he
juſt then came to the poſſeffion of a confiderable E-
ſtate by the death of her Uncle, a wealthy Jew
who refided at London. This made it neceſſary for
him to take a journey to England; nor would the

d Arift. Seſt. 14. Prob. 5.

e Religion of Nature, Seſt. 5. Parag. 15.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 15

care of his poſterity let him ſuffer his Wife to re-
main behind him. During the voyage, he was
perpetually taken up on the one hand, how to em-
ploy his great Riches; and on the other, how to
educate his Child. He had already determin'd to
ſet apart ſeveral annual Sums, for the recovery of
Manuſcripts, the eſſoffion of Coins, the procuring of
Mummies; and for all thofe curious discoveries by
which he hoped to become (as himſelf was wont to
ſay) a ſecond Peireſkius. He had already chalked
out all poſſible ſchemes for the improvement of a
male child; yet was ſo far prepar'd for the worſt
that could happen, that before the nine months
were expired, he had compoſed two Treatifes of E-
ducation; the one he called A Daughter's Mirrour,
and the other A Son's Monitor.

This is all we can find relating to Martinus, while
he was in his Mother's womb: excepting that he
was entertained there with a Confort of Mufick once
in twenty four hours, according to the Cuſtom of
the Magi; and that on a ſ particular day, he was ob-
ferved to leap and kick exceedingly, which was on
the firſt of April, the birth-day of the great Bafi-
lius Valentinus.

The Truth of this, and every preceding Faſt,
may be depended upon, being taken literally from
the Memoirs. But I muſt be ſo ingenuous as to
town, that the Accounts are not ſo certain of the

f Ramſey's Cyrus.

16 The MEMOIRS of

exact time and place of his birth. As to the first,
he had the common frailty of old men, to conceal
his age; as to the second, I only remember to have
heard him say, that he first saw the light in St.
Giles's Parish. But in the investigation of this point
Fortune hath favoured our diligence. For one day,
as I was passing by the Seven Dials, I over-heard a
dispute concerning the place of Nativity of a great
Astrologer, which each man alledged to have been
in his own street. The circumstances of the time,
and the description of the person, made me imagine
it might be that universal Genius whose life I am
writing. I returned home, and having maturely
considered their several arguments, which I found to
be of equal weight, I quieted my curiosity with this
natural conclusion, that he was born in some point
common to all the seven streets; which must be that
on which the Column is now erected. And it is
with infinite pleasure that I find my Conjecture
confirmed, by the following passage in the Codicil
to Mr. Neale's Will.

I appoint my Executors to engrave the following
Inscription on the Column in the Center of the
Seven Streets which I erected.

LOC. NAT. INCLUT. PHILOS. MAR. SCR.

But Mr. Neale's Order was never performed, be-
cause the Executors durst not administer.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 17

Nor was the Birth of this great man unattended
with *Prodigies*: He himself has often told me, that,
on the night before he was born, Mrs. Scriblerus
dream'd she was brought to bed of a huge *Ink-horn*,
out of which issued several large streams of Ink, as
it had been a fountain: This dream was by her
husband thought to signify, that the child should
prove a very voluminous Writer. Likewise a
*Crab-tree* that had been hitherto barren, appeared
on a fudden laden with a vast quantity of Crabs:
This sign also the old gentleman imagined to be a
prognostic of the acuteness of his Wit. A great
swarm of h *Wafps* play'd round his Cradle without
hurting him, but were very troublesome to all in
the room besides: This seemed a certain preface of
the effects of his Satire. A Dunghill was seen within
the space of one night to be covered all over with
*Mussrooms*: This some interpreted to promise the in-
fant great fertility of fancy, but no long duration to
his works; but the Father was of another opinion.

But what was of all most wonderful, was a thing
that seemed a monstrous Fowl, which just then dropt
through the sky-light, near his wife's apartment. It
had a large body, two little disproportioned wings,
a prodigious tail, but no head. As its colour was
white, he took it at first fight for a Swan, and was
concluding his son would be a Poet; but on a nearer
view, he perceived it to be speckled with black, in

g Virgil's Laurel. DONAT. h Plato, Lucan, &c.

B

18 *The MEMOIRS of*

the form of letters; and that it was indeed a Paper
kite which had broke its leaf by the impetuosity
of the wind. His back was armed with the Art
Military, his belly was filled with Physick, his
wings were the wings of Quarles and Withers, the
feveral Nodes of his voluminous tail were diversify'd
with several branches of science; where the Doctor
beheld with great joy a knot of Logick, a knot of
Metaphysick, a knot of Cafuiftry, a knot of Pole-
mical Divinity, and a knot of Common Law, with
a Lanthorn of Jacob Behmen.

There went a Report in the family, that as soon
as he was born he uttered the voice of nine several
animals. He cry'd like a Calf, bleated like a Sheep,
chattered like a Mag-pye, grunted like a Hog,
neighed like a Foal, croaked like a Raven, mewed
like a Cat, gabbled like a Goose, and bray'd like
an Afs. And the next morning he was found play-
ing in his bed with two Owls, which came down
the chimney. His Father greatly rejoyced at all
these signs, which betokened the variety of his E-
loquence, and the extent of his Learning; but he
was more particularly pleafed with the laft, as it
nearly reembled what happen'd at the birth of
a Homer.

a Vid. Euftath. in Odyff. 1. 12. ex Alex. Paphio,
& Leo Allat. de patr. Hom. pag. 45.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 19

CHAP. II.

*The Speech of Cornelius over his Son, at the*
*Hour of his Birth.*

NO sooner was the cry of the Infant heard,
but the old gentleman rufled into the Room,
and fnatching it in his arms, examin'd every limb
with attention. He was infinitely pleas'd to find,
that the Child had the Wart of Cicero, the wry
Neck of Alexander, knots upon his legs like Ma-
rius, and one of them shorter than the other like
Agefilaus. The good Cornelius alfo hoped he
would come to flammer like Demofthenes, in order
to be as eloquent; and in time arrive at many other
Defects of famous men. He held the child so long,
that the Midwife grown out of all patience, fnatch'd
it from his arms, in order to swaddle it. " Swad-
" dle him! (quoth he) far be it from me to submit
" to such a pernicious Cuftom. Is not my fon
" a Man? and is not Man the Lord of the Uni-
" verfe? Is it thus you uſe this Monarch at his firſt
" arrival in his dominions, to manacle and ſhackle
" him hand and foot? Is this what you call to be
" free-born? If you have no regard to his natural
" Liberty, at leaf have ſome to his natural Fa-
" culties. Behold with what agility he ſpreadeth
" his Toes, and moveth them with as great variety

B 2

20 *The MEMOIRS of*

" as his Fingers! a power, which in the small circle of a year may be totally abolished, by the enormous confinement of shoes and stockings. " His Ears (which other animals turn with great advantage towards the sonorous object) may, by the ministry of some accursed Nurse, for ever lie flat and immoveable. Not so the Ancients, they could move them at pleasure, and accordingly " are often described auribus." " What a devil (quoth the Midwife) would you have your son move his Ears like a Drill?" " Yes, fool (said he) why should he not have the perfection of a Drill, or of any other animal?" Mrs. Scriblerus, who lay all this while fretting at her husband's discour塞, at last broke out to this purpose: " My dear, I have had many disputes with you upon this subject before I was a month gone: " We have but one child, and cannot afford to " throw him away upon experiments. I'll have " my boy bred up like other gentlemen, at home, " and always under my own eye." All the Gof-fips with one voice, cry'd, Ay, ay; but Cornelius broke out in this manner: " What, bred at home! " Have I taken all this pains for a creature that is to lead the inglorious life of a Cabbage, to fuck the nutritious juices from the spot where he was first planted? No; to perambulate this terraqueous Globe is too small a Range; were it permitted, he should at least make the Tour of the

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 21

" whole System of the Sun. Let other Mortals " pore upon Maps, and swallow the legends of " lying travellers; the son of Cornelius shall make " his own Legs his Companions; with those he " shall measure Continents, Islands, Capes, Bays, " Streights and Isthmus's: He shall himself take the " altitude of the highest mountains, from the peak " of Derby to the peak of Teneriff; when he has visited the top of Taurus, Imaus, Caucasus, and the " famous Ararat where Noah's Ark first moor'd, " he may take a flight view of the snowy Riphæans; nor would I have him neglect Athos and " Olympus, renowned for poetical fictions. Those " that vomit fire will defend a more particular attention: I will therefore have him observe with " great care Vespivius, Ætna, the burning mountain of Java, but chiefly Hecla the greatest rarity " in the Northern Regions. Then he may like-wife contemplate the wonders of the Mephitick cave. When he has div'd into the bowels of the earth, and surveyed the works of Nature under ground, and instructed himself fully in the nature of Volcanos, Earthquakes, Thunders, Tempests, and Hurricanes, I hope he will benefit the world with a more exact survey of the deserts of Asia and Tartary, than as yet we are able to obtain: Then will I have him cross the seven Gulphs, measure the currents in the fifteen famous Streights, and search for those fountains of

B 3

22

The MEMOIRS of

" fresh water that are at the bottom of the Ocean."
— At these last words Mrs. Scriblerus fell into a trembling: The description of this terrible Scene made too violent an impression upon a woman in her condition, and threw her into a strong hysterical Fit; which might have proved dangerous, if Cornelius had not been push'd out of the room by the united force of the women.

## CHAP. III.

Shewing what befel the Doctor's Son, and his
Shield, on the Day of the Chrift'ning.

THE day of the Chrift'ning being come, and the house filled with Goſſips, the Levity of whose converſation ſuited but ill with the Gravity of Dr. Cornelius, he caſt about how to paſs this day more agreeably to his Charaſter; that is to ſay, not without ſome Profitable Conference, nor wholly without obſervance of ſome Ancient Cuſſom.

He remembred to have read in Theocritus, that the Cradle of Hercules was a Shield; and being poſſeſs'd of an antique Buckler, which he held as a moſt inestimable Relick, he determined to have the infant laid therein, and in that manner brought into the Study, to be ſhown to certain learned men of his acquaintance.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 23

The regard he had for this Shield, had cauſed him formerly to compile a Diſſertation concerning it, proving from the ſeveral properties, and particularly the colour of the Ruſt, the exact chronology thereof.

With this Treatife, and a moderate ſupper, he proposed to entertain his Gueſts; tho' he had also another deſign, to have their affiſtance in the calculation of his Son's Nativity.

He therefore took the Buckler out of a Cafe (in which he always kept it, left it might contract any modern ruſt) and entruſed it to his Houſe-maid, with orders, that when the company was come he ſhould lay the Child carefully in it, cover'd with a mantle of blue Sattin.

The Gueſts were no ſooner feated, but they entered into a warm Debate about the Triclinium and the manner of Decubitus of the Ancients, which Cornelius broke off in this manner:

" This day, my Friends, I purpofe to exhibit
" my ſon before you; a Child not wholly unwor-
" thy of Inſpection, as he is defcended from a Race
" of Virtuofi. Let the Phyſiognomifts examine his
" features; let the Chirographiſts behold his Palm;
" but above all let us confult for the calculation of
" his Naſivity. To this end, as the child is not
" vulgar, I will not preſent him unto you in a
" vulgar manner. He ſhall be cradled in my An-
" cient Shield, ſo famous through the Universiſes

B 4

24 The MEMOIRS of

" of Europe. You all know how I purchase'd that
" invaluable piece of Antiquity at the great (though
" indeed inadequate) expence of all the Plate of our
" family, how happily I carried it off, and how
" triumphantly I transported it hither, to the in-
" expreſſible grief of all Germany. Happy in eve-
" ry circumſtance, but that it broke the heart of
" the great Melchior Inſipidus! "

Here he flopp'd his Speech, upon ſight of the
Maid, who enter'd the room with the Child: He
took it in his arms and proceeded:

" Behold then my Child, but firſt behold the
" Shield: Behold this Ruſt, — or rather let me call
" it this precious Ærugo, — behold this beautiful
" Varniſh of Time, — this venerable Verdure of
" ſo many Ages —

In ſpeaking theſe words, he flowly lifted up the
Mantle, which cover'd it, inch by inch; but at
every inch he uncovered, his cheeks grew paler,
his hand trembled, his nerves failed, till on ſight
of the whole the Tremor became univerſal: The
Shield and the Infant both dropt to the ground, and
he had only ſtrength enough to cry out, "O God!
" my Shield, my Shield !

The Truth was, the Maid (extremely concern'd
for the reputation of her own cleanlineſs, and her
young maſter's honour) had ſcoured it as clean as
her Andirons.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 25

Cornelius funk back on a chair, the Gueſts ſtood
aſtoniſhed, the infant ſquawl'd, the maid ran in,
ſnatch'd it up again in her arms, flew into her mi-
ſtref's room, and told what had happen'd. Down
ſtairs in an inſant hurried all the Goffips, where
they found the Doſtor in a Trance: Hungary wa-
ter, Hartfhorn, and the confus'd noife of ſhrill
voices, at length awaken'd him: when opening his
eyes, he ſaw the Shield in the hands of the Houſe-
maid. " O Woman! Woman! (he cry'd, and
" ſnatch'd it violently from her) was it to thy
ignorance that this Relick owes its ruin? Where,
" where is the beautiful Cruſt that cover'd thee ſo
" long? where thoſe Traces of Time, and Fingers
" as it were of Antiquity? where all thoſe beau-
tiful obſcurities, the cauſe of much delightful diſ-
putation, where doubt and curioſity went hand
" in hand, and eternally exerciſed the ſpeculations
" of the learned? All this the rude Touch of an
" ignorant woman hath done away! The curious
" Prominence at the belly of that figure, which
" ſome taking for the Cufpis of a ſword, denomi-
nated a Roman Soldier; others accounting the
" Inſignia Virilia, pronounct'd to be one of the Di'i
" Termini; behold ſhe hath cleaned it in like
" ſhameful ſort, and ſhown to be the head of a
" Nail. O my Shield! my Shield! well may I
" ſay with Horace, non bene reliſta Parmula."

26 The MEMOIRS of

The Goffips, not at all inquiring into the caufe
of his sorrow, only asked, if the Child had no hurt?
and cried, “Come, come, all is well, what has
“ the Woman done but her duty? a tight cleanly
“ wench I warrant her; what a stir a man makes
“ about a Bafon, that an hour ago, before this
“ labour was beſtowed upon it, a Country Barber
“ would not have hung at his ſhop door.” “A
“ Bafon! (cry’d another) no ſuch matter, ’tis no-
“ thing but a paultry old Sconce, with the nozzle
“ broke off.” The learned Gentlemen, who till
now had ſtood ſpeechleſs, hereupon looking nar-
rowly on the Shield, declar’d their Aſſent to
this latter opinion; and deſir’d Cornelius to be
comforted, aſſuring him it was a Sconce and no o-
ther. But this, instead of comforting, threw the
Doctor into ſuch a violent Fit of paffion, that he
was carried off groaning and ſpeechleſs to bed;
where, being quite ſpent, he fell into a kind of
ſlumber.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 27

## CHAP. IV.

Of the Suſion and Nutrition of the Great
Scriblerus in his Infancy, and of the first
Rudiments of his Learning.

AS soon as Cornelius awaked, he rais’d himself
on his elbow, and caſting his eye on Mrs.
Scriblerus, ſpoke as follows: “ Wisely was it faid
“ by Homer, that in the Cellar of Jupiter are two
“ barrels, the one of good, the other of evil, which
“ he never beſtows on mortals ſeparately, but con-
“ ſtantly mingles them together. Thus at the fame
“ time hath Heav’n bleſs’d me with the birth of a
“ Son, and affiſted me with the ſcouring of my
“ Shield. Yet let us not repine at his Diſpenſa-
“ tions, who gives and who takes away; but ra-
“ ther join in prayer, that the Ruſt of Antiquity,
“ which he hath been pleas’d to take from my
“ Shield, may be added to my Son; and that ſo
“ much of it as it is my purpofe he ſhall contraſt
“ in his Education, may never be deſtroy’d by any
“ Modern Poliſhing.”

He cou’d no longer bear the fight of the Shield,
but order’d it ſhould be remov’d for ever from his
eyes. It was not long after purchas’d by Dr. Wood-
ward, who, by the affiſtance of Mr. Kemp incruſted
it with a new Ruſt, and is the fame whereof a Cut

28 The MEMOIRS of

hath been engraved, and exhibited to the great
Contentation of the learned.

Cornelius now began to regulate the Suſection of
his child. Seldom did there pafs a day without dif-
putes between him and the Mother, or the Nurſe,
concerning the nature of Aliment. The poor wo-
man never dined but he denied her ſome diſh or o-
ther, which he judg'd prejudicial to her milk.
One day ſhe had a longing defire to a piece of beef,
and as ſhe ſtretch'd her hand towards it, the old
gentleman drew it away, and ſpoke to this effect :
“ Hadſt thou read the Ancients, O Nurſe, thou
“ would'ſt prefer the welfare of the Infant which
“ thou nouriſheſt, to the indulging of an irregular
“ and voracious Appetite. Beef, it is true, may
“ confer a Robuſtneſs on the limbs of my ſon, but
“ will hebetate and clogg his Intellectuals.” While
he ſpoke this, the Nurſe look'd upon him with
much anger, and now and then caſt a wilſulſ eye
upon the Beef — “ Paſſion (continued the Doctor,
“ ſtill holding the diſh) throws the mind into too
“ violent a fermentation; it is a kind of Fever of
“ the foul, or as Horace expresſes it, a Short Mad-
“ neſs. Confider, Woman, that this day's Suſection
“ of my ſon may cauſe him to imbibe many ungo-
“ vernable Paſſions, and in a manner ſpoil him for
“ the temper of a Philosopher. Romulus by fuck,
“ ing a Wolf, became of a fierce and savage diſpo-
“ ſtition; and were I to breed ſome Ottoman Em-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 29

“ peror or Founder of a Military Commonwealth,
“ perhaps I might indulge thee in this carnivorous
“ Appetite” — What, interrupted the Nurſe,
Beef ſpoil the understanding? that's fine indeed —
how then could our Parſon preach as he does upon
Beef, and Pudding too, if you go to that? Don't
tell me of your Ancients, had not you almost kill'd
the poor babe with a diſh of Dæmonial black
Broth? — “ Lacedæmonian black Broth, thou
“ would'ſt ſay (replied Cornelius) but I cannot al-
“ low the ſurfeit to have been occasioned by that
“ diet, ſince it was recommended by the Divine
“ Lycurgus. No, Nurſe, thou muſt certainly have
“ eaten ſome meats of ill diſeſtion the day before,
“ and that was the real cauſe of his diſorder. Con-
“ fider, Woman, the different Temperaments of
“ different Nations: What makes the English
“ Phlegmatick and melancholy but Beef? what ren-
“ ders the WELſh ſo hot and choleric, but cheesef
“ and leeks? the French derive their levity from
“ their Soups, Frogs, and muſhrooms: I would
“ not let my Son dine like an Italian, left, like an
“ Italian, he ſhould be jealous and revengeful: The
“ warm and ſolid diet of Spain may be more bene-
“ ficial, as it might endue him with a profound
“ Gravity, but at the fame time he might ſuck in
“ with their food their intolerable Vice of Pride.
“ Therefore, Nurſe, in ſhort, I hold it requisite to
“ deny you at preſent, not only Beef, but likewise

30

The MEMOIRS of

" whatsoever any of those Nations eat." During this speech, the Nurse remain'd pouting and marking her plate with the knife, nor would she touch a bit during the whole dinner. This the old Gentleman observing, order'd that the Child, to avoid the risque of imbibing ill humours, should be kept from her breast all that day, and be fed with Butter mix'd with Honey, according to a Prescription he had met with somewhere in Euflathius upon Home. This indeed gave the Child a great loofenefs, but he was not concern'd at it, in the opinion that whatever harm it might do his body, would be amply recompenced by the improvements of his understanding. But from thenceforth he infifted every day upon a particular Diet to be observed by the Nurse; under which having been long uneafy, she at last parted from the family, on his ordering her for dinner the Paps of a Soz with Pig; taking it as the highest indignity, and a direct Infult upon her Sex and Calling.

Four years of young Martin's life paps'd away in squabbles of this nature. Mrs. Scriblerus confider'd it was now time to infruct him in the fundamentals of Religion, and to that end took no small pains in teaching him his Catechism: But Cornelius look'd upon this as a tedious way of Infruſtion, and therefore employ'd his head to find out more pleafing methods, the better to induce him to be fond of learning. He would frequently carry him to the

2

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS.

31

Puppet-Shew of the Creation of the world, where the Child with exceeding delight gain'd a notion of the Hiftory of the Bible. His firſt rudiments in profane hiftory were acquired by feeing of Rareeshews, where he was brought acquainted with all the Princes of Europe. In ſhort the old Gentleman ſo contriv'd it, to make every thing contribute to the improvement of his knowledge, even to his very Drefs. He invented for him a Geographical ſuit of cloaths, which might give him ſome hints of that Science, and likewife ſome knowledge of the Commerce of different Nations. He had a French Hat with an African Feather, Holland Shirts and Flanders Lace, English Cloth lin'd with Indian Silk, his Gloves were Italian, and his Shoes were Spanish: He was made to obſerve this, and daily catechis'd thereupon, which his Father was wont to call " Travelling at home." He never gave him a Fig or an Orange but he obliged him to give an account from what Country it came. In Natural hiftory he was much affiſted by his Curioſity in Sign-Poſts, inſomuch that he hath often confefs'd he owed to them the knowledge of many Creatures which he never found ſince in any Author, ſuch as White Lions, Golden Dragons, &c. He once thought the fame of Green Men, but had ſince found them mention'd by Kircherus, and verified in the Hiftory of William of Newbury a.

a Gul. Neubrig. Book i. Ch. 27.

32 The MEMOIRS of

His disposition to the Mathematicks was different'd very early, by his drawing <sup>b</sup> parallel lines on his bread and butter, and intersecting them at equal Angles, so as to form the whole Superficies into Squares. But, in the midft of all these Improvements, a stop was put to his learning the Alphabet, nor would he let him proceed to Letter D, till he could truly and diffintly pronounce C in the ancient manner, at which the Child unhappily boggled for near three months. He was also obliged to delay his learning to write, having turn'd away the Writing Maſter because he knew nothing of Fa- bius's Waxen Tables.

Cornelius having read, and seriously weigh'd the methods by which the famous Montaigne was educated, and resolving in some degree to exceed them, refolv'd he ſhould ſpeak and learn nothing but the learned Languages, and especially the Greek; in which he constantly eat and drank, according to Homer. But what moſt conduced to his easy attainment of this Language, was his love of Ginger-bread; which his Father obſerving, cauſed it to be ſtampt with the Letters of the Greek Alphabet; and the child the very first day eat as far as Iota. By his particular application to this language above the reſt, he attain'd ſo great a proficiency therein, that Gronovius ingenuouſly confesses he durſt not

<sup>b</sup> Pascal's *Life*. Locke of Educ. &c.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS.

33

confer with this child in Greek at eight years old; and at fourteen he composed a Tragedy in the fame language, as the younger <sup>c</sup> Pliny had done before him.

He learn'd the Oriental Languages of Erpenius, who refided ſome time with his father for that purpose. He had ſo early a Reliſh for the Eaſtern way of writing, that even at this time he composed (in imitation of it) the *Thouſand and One Arabian Tales*, and also the *Persian Tales*, which have been ſince translated into ſeveral languages, and lately into our own with particular elegance, by Mr. Ambroſe Philips. In this work of his Childhood, he was not a little affiſted by the hiftorical Traditions of his *Nurse*.

## CHAP. V.

### A Differtation upon Play-things.

HERE follow the Inſtructions of Cornelius Scriblerus concerning the Plays and Play-things to be uſed by his ſon Martin.

" *Play* was invented by the *Lydians* as a remedy
" *againſt Hunger*. Sophocles ſays of Palamedes,
" that he invented *Dice* to ſerve ſometimes inſtead

<sup>c</sup> Plin, Epit. Lib. 7.

34 The MEMOIRS of

" of a dinner. It is therefore wisely contrived by
" Nature, that Children, as they have the keeneft
" Appetites, are moft addicted to Plays. From the
" fame caufe, and from the unprejudic'd and in-
" corrupt simplicity of their minds it proceeds, that
" the Plays of the Ancient Children are preferv'd
" more entire than any other of their Cuftoms. In
" this matter I would recommend to all who have
" any concern in my Son's Education, that they
" deviate not in the least from the primitive and
" fimple Antiquity.

" To speak first of the Whifle, as it is the first
" of all Play-things; I will have it exactly to cor-
" respond with the ancient Fiftula, and according-
" ly to be compos'd, Septem paribus disjuncta ci-
" cutis.

" I heartily wish a diligent search may be made
" after the true Crepitaculum or Rattle of the An-
" cients, for that (as Archytas Tarentinus was of o-
" pinion) kept the children from breaking Earthen
" Ware. The China Cups in these days are not
" at all the safer for the modern Rattles; which is
" an evident proof how far their Crepitacula ex-
" ceeded ours.

" I would not have Martin as yet to scourge a
" Top, till I am better informed whether the Tro-
" chus which was recommended by Cato be really
" our present Top, or rather the Hoop which the
" boys drive with a stick. Neither Crofs and Pile,

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 35

" nor Ducks and Drakes are quite so ancient as
" Handy-dandy, tho' Macrobius and St. Augustine
" take notice of the first, and Minutius Felix de-
" scribes the latter; but Handy-dandy is mention'd
" by Ariftotle, Plato, and Ariftophanes.

" The Play which the Italians call Cinque, and
" the French Mourre, is extremely ancient; it was
" play'd at by Hymen and Cupid at the Marriage
" of Psyche, and term'd by the Latins, digitis
" micare.

" Julius Pollux describes the Omilla or Chuck-
" farthing; tho' some will have our modern Chuck-
" farthing to be nearer the Alphetinda of the An-
" cients. He also mentions the Baflinda, or King
" I am; and Myinda, or Hoopers-Hide.

" But the Chytindra described by the same Au-
" thor is certainly not our Hot-cockle; for that was
" by pinching and not by striking; tho' there are
" good authors who affirm the Rathapygimus to be
" yet nearer the modern Hot-cockles. My son Mar-
" tin may use either of them indifferently, they
" being equally antique.

" Building of Houses, and Riding upon Sticks have
" been used by children in all ages, Ædificare ca-
" fas, equitare in arundine longa. Yet I much
" doubt whether the Riding upon Sticks did not
" come into use after the age of the Centaurs.

" There is one Play which shows the gravity of
" ancient Education, call'd the Acinetinda, in which

C 2

36 The MEMOIRS of

" Children contended who could longeſt ſtand ſtill.

" This we have ſuffer'd to perſh entirely; and, if I

" might be allow'd to gueſs, it was certainly firſt

" loſt among the French.

" I will permit my ſon to play at Apodidiaſcinda,
" which can be no other than our Puſs in a Corner.

" Julius Pollux in his ninth book ſpeaks of the
" Melolouthe or the Kite; but I queſtion whether

" the Kite of Antiquity was the fame with ours:

" And tho' the Oξυλοφορία or Quail-fighting is what

" is moſt taken notice of, they had doubtlesſ Cock-

" matches alſo, as is evident from certain ancient

" Gems and Relievo's.

" In a word, let my ſon Martin diſport himſelf
" at any Game truly Antique, except one, which

" was invented by a people among the Thracians,

" who hung up one of their Companions in a Rope,

" and gave him a Knife to cut himſelf down;

" which if he fail'd in, he was ſuffer'd to hang tilth

" he was dead; and this was only reckon'd a fort

" of joke. I am utterly againſt this, as barbarous

" and cruel.

" I cannot conclude, without taking notice of
" the beauty of the Greek names, whose Etymolo-
gies acquaint us with the nature of the ſports;

" and how infinitely, both in ſenſe and ſound, they

" excel our barbarous names of Plays.

Notwithstanding the foregoing Injunctious of Dr.
Cornelius, he yet condeſcended to allow the Child

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 37

the use of ſome ſew modern Play-things; ſuch as
might prove of any benefit to his mind, by inſtil-
ling an early notion of the ſciences. For example,
he found that Marbles taught him Percuſſion and the
Laws of Motion; Nut-crackers the use of the Lea-
ver; Swinging on the ends of a Board, the Ba-
lance; Bottle-screws, the Vice; Whirligigs the Axis
and Peritrochia; Bird-cages, the Pully; and Tops
the Centrifugal motion.

Others of his ſports were farther carried to im-
prove his tender ſoul even in Virtue and Morality.
We ſhall only inſtance one of the moſt uſeful and
inſtruſtive, Bob-cherry, which teaches at once two
noble Virtues, Conſtancy and Patience; the firſt in
adhering to the purſuit of one end, the latter in
bearing a disappointment.

Befides all theſe, he taught him, as a Diverſion,
an odd and ſecret manner of Stealing, according to
the Cuitom of the Lacedæmonians; wherein he
ſucceeded ſo well, that he praſtised it to the day
of his death.

C 3

The MEMOIRS of

CHAP. VI.

Of the Gymnaſicks; in what Exercifes Mar-
tinus was educated; ſomething concerning Mu-
fick; and what ſort of a Man his Uncle
was.

NOR was Cornelius leſs careful in adhering to
the rules of the pureſt Antiquity, in rela-
tion to the Exercifes of his Son. He was ſtript,
powder'd, and anointed, but not conſtantly bath'd,
which occafioned many heavy complaints of the
Laundrels about dirtying his linen. When he play'd
at Quoits, he was allowed his Breeches and Stock-
ings; becaufe the Diſcoboli (as Cornelius well knew)
were naked to the middle only. The Mother often
contended for modern Sports and common Cuſtoms,
but this was his conſtant reply, “ Let a Daughter
“ be the care of her Mother, but the Education of
“ a Son ſhould be the delight of his Father.”

It was about this time he heard, to his exceeding
content, that the Harpaſtus of the Ancients was
yet in uſe in Cornwall, and known there by the
name of Hurling. He was ſenſible the common
Foot-ball was a very imperſect imitation of that ex-
ercife; and thought it neceſſary to ſend Martin into
the West, to be initiated into that truly ancient and
manly part of the Gymnaſicks. The poor boy was

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 39

ſo unfortunate as to return with a broken leg. This
Cornelius look'd upon but as a flight ailment, and
promis'd his Mother he would inſantly cure it:
He ſlit a green Reed, and caſt the Knife upward,
then tying the two parts of the Reed to the diſ-
jointed place, pronounced theſe Words, a Daries,
daries, aſtataries, diſſunapiter; buat, banat, buat,
iſta, piſta, ſiſta, domi abo, damnauſtra. But finding
to his no ſmall aſtoniſhment, that this had no eſ-
fect, in five days he condeſcended to have it ſet by a
modern Surgeon.

Mrs. Scriblerus, to prevent him from exposing
her Son to the like dangerous Exercifes for the ſu-
ture, propos'd to ſend for a Dancing-Mafter, and
to have him taught the Minuet and Rigadoon.
“ Dancing (quoth Cornelius) I much approve, for
“ Socrates ſaid the beſt Dancers were the beſt War-
“ riors; but not thoſe ſpecies of Dancing which
“ you mention: They are certainly Corruptions of
“ the Comic and Satyric Dance, which were ut-
“ terly diſliked by the ſounder Ancients. Martin
“ ſhall learn the Tragic Dance only, and I will
“ ſend all over Europe till I find an Antiquary able
“ to inſtruct him in the Saltatio Pyrrhica. b Scaliger,

a Plin. Hift. Nat. lib. 17. in fine. Carmen con-
tra luxata membra, cujus werba inferere non equidem
ferio auſim, quanquam a Catone prodita. Vid. Cato
de re ruſt. c. 160.

b Scalig. Poetic. 1. 1. c. 9. Hanc ſaltationem Pyr-

C 4

40 The MEMOIRS of

" from whom my son is lineally defended, boasts
" to have perform'd this warlike Dance in the pre-
" fence of the Emperor, to the great admiration of
" all Germany. What would he fay, could he
" look down and see one of his pofterity so igno-
" rant, as not to know the least step of that noble
" kind of Saltation?"

The poor Lady was at last enur'd to bear all thefe
things with a laudable patience, till one day her
husband was feized with a new thought. He had
met with a faying, that " *Spleen, Garter*, and *Gir*-
" *dle* are the three impediments to the *Curfus*."
Therefore Pliny (lib. xi. cap. 37.) fays, that ſuch
as excel in that exercife have their *Spleen* cauteriz'd.
" My ſon (quoth Cornelius) runs but heavily;
" therefore I will have this operation performed
" upon him immediately. Moreover it will cure
" that immoderate Laughter to which I perceive he
" is addicted: For laughter (as the fame author
" hath it, ibid.) is caufed by the bigneſs of the
" *Spleen*." This deſign was no sooner hinted to
Mrs. Scriblerus, but ſhe burſt into tears, wrung her
hands, and inſtantly ſent to his Brother Albertus,
begging him for the love of God to make haſte to
her hufband.

rhicam nos ſæpe & diu, juſſu Bonifacii patrui, coram Divo Maximiliano, non ſine flupore totius Germaniæ, repræſentavimus. Quo tempore wox illa Imperatoris, Hic puer aut Thoracem pro pelle aut pro cunis habuit.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 41

Albertus was a diſcreet man, ſober in his opinions, clear of Pedantry, and knowing enough both in books and in the world, to preferve a due regard for whatever was uſeful or excellent, whether ancient or modern. If he had not always the authority, he had at least the art, to divert Cornelius from many extravagancies. It was well he came ſpeciually, or Martin could not have boafted the entire Quota of his Vifcera. " What does it signify " (quoth Albertus) whether my Nephew excels in " the *Curfus* or not? Speed is often a ſymptom of " Cowardice, witneſs Hares and Deer." — " Do " not forget Achilles (quoth Cornelius) I know that " Running has been condemn'd by the proud Spare " tans, as uſeleſs in war: and yet Demoſthene " could ſay, ἀνὴ ὁ φεύγων ἡμᾶλιν ὑμωχήσεισ; " thought which the Englifh Hudibras has well " rendered,

For he that runs may fight again,
Which he can never do that's flain.

" That's true (quoth Albertus) but pray confider
" on the other ſide that Animals c *Spleen*'d grow
" extremely ſalacious, an experiment well known
" in dogs. Cornelius was ſtruck with this, and
" reply'd gravely ; If it be so, I will defer the O-
" peration, for I will not encreafe the powers of

c Blackmore's Eſſay on Spleen.

The MEMOIRS of

42

“ my fon’s body at the expence of thofe of his
“ mind. I am indeed disappointed in moft of my
“ projects, and fear I muft fit down at laft conten-
“ ted with fuch methods of Education as modern
“ barbarity affords. Happy had it been for us all,
“ had we liv’d in the age of Auguſtus! Then my
“ ſon might have heard the Philofophers dispute in
“ the Porticos of the Palæſtra, and at the ſame time
“ form’d his Body and his Understanding.” “ It
“ is true (reply’d Albertus) we have no Exedra for
“ the Philofophers, adjoining to our Tennis-
“ Courts; but there are Ale-houſes where he will
“ hear very notable argumentations: Tho’ we come
“ not up to the Ancients in the Tragic dance, we
“ excel them in the ρυσικά, or the art of Tum-
“ bling. The Ancients would have beat us at Quoits,
“ but not so much at the Jaculum or pitching the
“ Bar. The Pugilatus is in as great perfection
“ in England as in old Rome, and the Corniß-Hug
“ in the Luſus is equal to the Volutatoria of the
“ Ancients.” “ You could not (anſwer’d Corne-
“ lius) have produc’d a more unlucky inſtance of
“ modern folly and barbarity, than what you ſay
“ of the Jaculum. The Cretans wifely forbid
“ their ſervants Gymnaſticks, as well as Arms,
“ and yet your modern Footmen exercife them-

d Fifty-Cuffs.

e Wreſtling.

f Ariftot. Politic. lib. 2. cap. 3.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 43

“ ſelves daily in the Jaculum at the corner of Hyde
“ Park, whilſt their enervated Lords are lolling in
“ their chariots (a ſpecies of Veaſtitation ſeldom us’d
“ amongſt the Ancients, except by old men.) You
“ ſay well (quoth Albertus) and we have ſeveral o-
“ ther kinds of Veaſtitation unknown to the Anci-
“ ents, particularly flying Chariots, where the
“ people may have the benefit of this exercife at the
“ ſmall expence of a farthing. But ſuppoſe (which
“ I readily grant) that the Ancients excel’d us al-
“ moſt in every thing, yet why this ſingularity ?
“ Your ſon muſt take up with ſuch maſters as the
“ preſent age affords; we have Dancing-maſters,
“ Writing-maſters, and Muſick-maſters.”

The bare mention of Muſick threw Cornelius into
a paſſion. “ How can you dignify (quoth he) this
“ modern fiddling with the name of Muſick? Will
“ any of your beſt Hautboys encounter a Wolf
“ now-a-days with no other arms but their inſtru-
“ ments, as did that ancient piper Pythocaris ?
“ Have ever wild Boars, Elephants, Deer, Dol-
“ phins, Whales or Turbotts, ſhew’d the leaſt emo-
“ tion at the moſt elaborate ſtrains of your modern
“ Scrapers, all which have been as it were tam’d
“ and humaniz’d by ancient Muſicians? Does not
“ a Œlian tell us how the Libyan Mares were ex-

g Œlian. Hift. Animal. lib. xi. cap. 18. and
lib. xii. cap. 44.

44 The MEMOIRS of

“ cited to horfing by Mufick? (which ought in
“ truth to be a caution to modelf Women agamſt
“ frequenting Operas; and confider, brother, you
“ are brought to this dilemma, either to give up
“ the virtue of the Ladies, or the power of your
“ Mufick.) Whence proceeds the degeneracy of
“ our Morals? Is it not from the loſs of ancient
“ Mufick, by which (fays Arifloſle) they taught all
“ the Virtues? Elſe might we turn Newgate into a
“ College of Dorian Musicians, who ſhould teach
“ moral Virtues to thoſe people. Whence comes it
“ that our prefent diſeaſes are ſo ſtubborn? whence
“ is it that I daily deplore my Sciatical pains? A-
“ las! becauſe we have loſt their true cure, by the
“ melody of the Pipe. All this was well known to
“ the Ancients, as hTheophrasſus affures us (whence
“ i Cælius calls it loca dolentia decantare) only in-
“ deed ſome ſmall remains of this ſkill are preferved
“ in the cure of the Tarantula. Did not k Pythago-
“ ras ſtop a company of drunken Bullies from ſtorm-
“ ing a civil houſe, by changing the ſtrain of the
“ Pipe to the ſober Spondæus? and yet your modern
“ Musicians want art to defend their windows from
“ common Nickers. It is well known that when
“ the Lacedæmonian Mob were up, they ¹ com-
“ monly ſent for a Lefbian Mufician to appeaſe
“ them, and they immediately grew calm as ſoon

h Athenæus, lib. xiv. i Lib. de fanit. tuenda, c. 2.

k Quintil. lib. 1. cap. 10. l Suidas in Timotheo.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 45

“ as they heard Terpander ſing: Yet I don’t be-
“ lieve that the Pope’s whole band of Mufick, tho’
“ the beſt of this age, could keep his Holinesſs’s I-
“ image from being burnt on a fifth of November.
“ Nor would Terpander himſelf (reply’d Albertus)
“ at Billinſgate, nor Timotheus at Hockley in the
“ Hole have any manner of effect, nor both of ’em
“ together bring m Horneck to common civility.”
“ That’s a groſs miſtake (ſaid Cornelius very warm-
“ ly) and to prove it ſo, I have here a ſmall Lyra
“ of my own, fram’d, ſtrung, and tun’d after the
“ ancient manner. I can play ſome fragments of
“ Lefbian tunes, and I with I were to try them up-
“ on the moſt paſſionate creatures alive.”—“ You
“ never had a better opportunity (ſays Albertus) for
“ yonder are two Apple-women ſcolding, and juſt
“ ready to uncoif one another.” With that Corne-
lius, undreſſ’d as he was, jumps out into his Balco-
ny, his Lyra in hand, in his ſlippers, with his
breeches hanging down to his ankles, a ſlocking up-
on his head, and a waſtcoat of murrey-colour’d fat-
tin upon his body: He touch’d his Lyra with a very
unuſual ſort of an Harpegiatura, nor were his hopes
fruſtrated. The odd Equipage, the uncouth Inſtru-
ment, the ſtrangenefs of the Man and of the Mufick
drew the ears and eyes of the whole Mob that were
got about the two female Champions, and at laſt of

m Horneck, a ſcurrilous Scribler who wrote a
weekly paper, called *The High German Doctor*.

46 The MEMOIRS of

the Combatants themselves. They all approach'd
the Balcony, in as close attention as Orpheus's firſt
Audience of Cattle, or that of an Italian Opera when
ſome favourite Air is juſt awaken'd. This ſudden ef-
ſect of his Mufick encouraged him mightily, and it
was obſerv'd he never touch'd his Lyre in ſuch a tru-
ly chromatick and enharmonick manner as upon that
occafion. The mob laugh'd, ſung, jump'd, danc'd,
and us'd many odd geſtures, all which he judg'd to
be cauſed by his various ſtrains and modulations.
" Mark (quoth he) in this, the power of the Ionian;
" in that, you ſee the effect of the Æolian." But
in a little time they began to grow riotous, and
threw ſtones: Cornelius then withdrew, but with
the greatest air of Triumph in the world. " Brother
" (faid he) do you obſerve I have mixed unawares
" too much of the Phrygian ; I might change it to
" the Lydian, and ſoften their riotous tempers : But
" it is enough : Learn from this Sample to ſpeak with
" veneration of ancient Mufick. If this Lyre in
" my unſkilful hands can perform ſuch wonders, what
" muſt it not have done in thofe of a Timotheus or
" a Terpander?" Having faid this, he retir'd with
the utmoſt Exultation in himſelf, and Contempt of
his Brother; and, it is faid, behav'd that night
with ſuch unuſual haughtineſs to his family, that
they all had reaſon to wifh for ſome ancient Tibicen
to calm his Temper.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 47.

CHAP. VII.

Rhetoric, Logic, Metaphysics.

 Cornelius having (as hath been faid) many
 ways been disappointed in his attempts of
 improving the bodily Forces of his ſon, thought it
 now high time to apply to the Culture of his Inter-
nal faculties. He judg'd it proper in the firſt place
to inſtruct him in Rhetorick. But herein we ſhall
 not need to give the Reader any account of his
 wonderful progrefſs, ſince it is already known to
 the learned world by his Treatife on this ſubject:
 I mean the admirable Discourse περὶ Βαθμολογία,
 which he wrote at this time but conceal'd from his Fa-
 ther, knowing his extreme partiality for the An-
cients. It lay by him conceal'd, and perhaps for-
got among the great multiplicity of other Writings,
till, about the year 1727, he ſent it us to be printed,
with many additional examples drawn from the
excellent live Poets of this preſent age. We pro-
ceed therefore to Logick and Metaphysick.

The wife Cornelius was convinced that these,
being Polemical Arts, could no more be learned
alone, than Fencing or Cudgel-playing. He
thought it therefore neceſsary to look out for some
Youth of pregnant parts, to be a fort of humble
Companion to his ſon in those Studies. His good

48 The MEMOIRS of

fortune directed him to one of most singular endow-
ments, whose name was Conradus Crambe, who
by the father's side was related to the Crouches of
Cambridge, and his mother was Cousin to Mr.
Swan, Gamester and Punter of the City of Lon-
don. So that from both parents he drew a natural
disposition to sport himself with Words, which as
they are said to be the counters of wife Men, and
ready-money of Fools, Crambe had great store of
cash of the latter fort. Happy Martin in such a
Parent, and such a Companion! What might not
he atchieve in Arts and Sciences.

Here I must premife a general observation, of
great benefit to mankind. That there are many
people who have the use only of one Operation of
the Intellect, tho' like short-fighted men they can
hardly discover it themselves: They can form single
apprehensions, but have neither of the other two fa-
culties, the judicium or discursus. Now as it is
wifely order'd, that people deprived of one sense
have the others in more perfection, such people
will form single Ideas with a great deal of vivacity;
and happy were it indeed if they would confine
themselves to such, without forming judicia, much
lesst argumentations.

Cornelius quickly discovered, that these two laft
operations of the intellect were very weak in Mar-
tin, and almost totally extinguished in Crambe;
however he used to say that Rules of Logick are

3

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 49

Spectacles to a purblind understanding, and there-
fore he refolved to proceed with his two Pupils.

Martin's understanding was so totally immers'd
in sensible objects, that he demanded examples from
Material things of the abstracted Ideas of Logick:
As for Crambe, he contented himself with the
Words, and when he could but form some conceit
upon them, was fully satisfied. Thus Crambe
would tell his Instructor, that All men were not
singular; that Individuality could hardly be præ-
dicated of any man, for it was commonly said that
a man is not the fame he was, that madmen are
befide themselves, and drunken men come to them-
felves; which fews, that few men have that moſt
valuable logical endowment, Individuality. Cor-
nelius told Martin that a shoulder of mutton was
an individual, which Crambe denied, for he had
feen it cut into commons: That's true (quoth the
Tutor) but you never saw it cut into shoulders of
mutton: If it could (quoth Crambe) it would be
the moſt lovely individual of the University. When
he was told, a substance was that which was sub-
ject to accidents; then Soldiers (quoth Crambe) are
the moſt substantial people in the world. Neither
would he allow it to be a good definition of acci-
dent, that it could be prefent or absent without the
deftruction of the subject; since there are a great
many accidents that destroy the subject, as burn-
ing does a house, and death a man. But as to

D

50 The MEMOIRS of

that, Cornelius informed him, that there was a
natural death, and a logical death; that though a
man after his natural death was not capable of the
least parish office, yet he might still keep his Stall
amongst the logical prædicaments.

Cornelius was forc'd to give Martin senfible ima-
ges; thus calling up the Coachman he afk'd him
what he had seen at the Bear garden ? The man an-
swered he saw two men fight a prize; one was a
fair man, a Sergeant in the Guards, the other
black, a Butcher; the Sergeant had red breeches,
the Butcher blue; they fought upon a Stage about
four o' clock, and the Sergeant wounded the But-
cher in the leg. " Mark (quoth Cornelius) how
" the fellow runs through the prædicaments.
" Men, Substantia; two, quantitas; fair and black,
" qualitas; Sergeant and Butcher, relatio; wound-
" ed the other, actio & passio; fighting, fitus;
" Stage, ubi; two o' Clock, quando; blue and red
" Breeches, habitus." At the fame time he warn'd
Martin, that what he now learn'd as a Logician,
he muft forget as a natural Philofopher; that tho'
he now taught them that accidents inher'd in the
subjeſt, they would find in time there was no ſuch
thing; and that colour, taſte, ſmell, heat, and
told, were not in the things, but only phantaſms of
our brains. He was forc'd to let them into this
ſecret, for Martin could not conceive how a habit
inher'd in a dancing-maſter, when he did not

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 51

dance; nay, he would demand the Characteriſticks
of Relations. Crambe us'd to help him out by
telling him, a Cuckold, a losing gameſter, a man
that had not din'd, a young heir that was kept
ſhort by his father, might be all known by their
countenance; that, in this laſt cafe, the Paternity
and Filiation leave very ſenſible impreſſions in the
relatum and correlatum. The greateſt difficulty
was, when they came to the Tenth prædicament:
Crambe affirmed, that his Habitus was more a
ſubſtance than he was; for his cloaths could better
ſubſift without him, than he without his cloaths.

Martin ſuppos'd an Universal Man to be like a
Knight of a Shire or a Burgeſs of a Corporation,
that repreſented a great many Individuals. His
Father afk'd him, if he could not frame the Idea of
an Universal Lord Mayor? Martin told him, that
never having ſeen but one Lord Mayor, the Idea of
that Lord Mayor always return'd to his mind; that
he had great difficulty to abſtraſt a Lord Mayor
from his Fur, Gown, and Gold Chain; nay, that
the horſe he ſaw the Lord Mayor ride upon not a
little diſturb'd his imagination. On the other hand
Crambe, to ſhow himself of a more penetrating
genius, ſwore that he could frame a conception of
a Lord Mayor not only without his Horſe, Gown,
and Gold Chain, but even without Stature, Fea-
ture, Colour, Hands, Head, Feet, or any Body;
which he ſuppos'd was the abſtraſt of a Lord

D 2

52

The MEMOIRS of

Mayor. Cornelius told him that he was a lying
Rascal; that an *Universale* was not the object of
imagination, and that there was no such thing in
reality, or a parte Rei. But I can prove (quoth
Crambe) that there are *Clysters a parte Rei*, but
*clysters* are *universales*; ergo. Thus I prove my
Minor. *Quod aptum est inesse multis*, is an *univers-
fale* by definition; but every clyster before it is ad-
ministered has that quality; therefore every clyster
is an *universale*.

He also found fault with the Advertisements, that
they were not strict logical definitions: In an ad-
vertisement of a Dog Stolen or Strayed, he said it
ought to begin thus, *An irrational animal* of the
*Genus caninum*, &c. Cornelius told them, that
though those advertisements were not fram'd accor-
ding to the exact rules of logical definitions, being
*only descriptions* of things *numero differentibus*, yet
they contain'd a faint image of the *prædicabilia*,
and were highly subservient to the common pur-
poses of life; often discovering things that were loft,
both animate and inanimate. *An Italian Greyhound,*
*of a mouse-colour, a white speck in the neck, lame of*
*one leg, belongs to such a Lady. Grey-hound, Genus.*
*moufe-colour'd, &c. differentia; lame of one leg,*
*accidens; belongs to such a Lady, proprium.*

Though I'm afraid I have transgress'd upon my
Reader's patience already, I cannot help taking
notice of one thing more extraordinary than any

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 53

yet mention'd; which was Crambe's *Treatise of
Syllogisms*. He suppos'd that a Philosopher's brain
was like a great Forest, where Ideas rang'd like
animals of several kinds; that those Ideas copulated
and engender'd Conclusions; that when those of
different Species copulate, they bring forth mon-
sters or abfurdities; that the *Major* is the male, the
*Minor* the female, which copulate by the Middle
Term, and engender the Conflusion. Hence they
are call'd the *præmissa*, or Predeceffors of the Con-
clusion; and it is properly said by the Logicians
*quod pariunt scientiam, opinionem; they beget sci-
ence, opinion, &c*. Universal Propositions are
Perſons of quality; and therefore in Logick they
are said to be of the first Figure: Singular Propofi-
tions are Private perſons, and therefore plac'd in
the third or last figure, or rank. From those Prin-
ciples all the rules of Syllogisms naturally follow.

I. That there are only three Terms, neither more
nor less; for to a child there can be only one fa-
ther and one mother.

II. From universal premises there follows an uni-
verfal conclusion; as if one ſhould ſay that per-
ſons of quality always beget perſons of quality.

III. From ſingular premises follows only a ſingu-
lar conclusion; that is, if the parents be only
private people, the issue must be so likewise.

D 3

54

The MEMOIRS of

IV. From particular propositions nothing can be concluded; because the *Individua vaga* are (like whoremasters and common Strumpets) barren.

V. There cannot be more in the conclusion than was in the premises; that is, children can only inherit from their parents.

VI. The conclusion follows the weaker part; that is, children inherit the diseafes of their parents.

VII. From two negatives nothing can be concluded; for from divorce or separation there can come no issue.

VIII. The medium cannot enter the conclusion; that being logical ineffect.

IX. An hypothetical proposition is only a contract, or a promise of marriage; from such therefore there can spring no real issue.

X. When the Premises or parents are necessarily join'd (or in lawful wedlock) they beget lawful issue; but contingently join'd, they beget bastards.

So much for the Affirmative propositions; the Negative must be deferred to another occasion.

Crambe used to value himself upon this system, from whence he said one might see the propriety of the expression, *such a one has a barren imagination*; and how common it is for such people to adopt conclusions that are not the issue of their pre

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 55

miffes. Therefore as an Absurdity is a *Monfler*, a Falsity is a *Baftard*; and a true conclusion that followeth not from the premises, may properly be said to be *adopted*. But then what is an Enthymem? (quoth Cornelius.) Why, an Enthymem (reply'd Crambe) is when the Major is indeed married to the Minor, but the Marriage *kept secret*.

METAPHYSICKS were a large field in which to exercise the Weapons *Logick* had put into their hands. Here Martin and Crambe used to engage like any prize-fighters, before their Father, and his other learned companions of the Sympofiacks. And as Prize-fighters will agree to lay aside a buckler or some such defensive weapon, so would Crambe promise not to use *simpliciter & secundum quid*, provided Martin would part with *materialiter & formaliter*: But it was found, that without the help of the defensive armour of those Difficultions, the arguments cut so deep, that they fetch'd blood at every stroke. Their *Thefes* were pick'd out of Suarez, Thomas Aquinas, and other learned writers on those subjects. I shall give the Reader a taste of some of them.

I. If the Innate Desire of the knowledge of Metaphysicks was the cause of the Fall of Adam; and the *Arbor Porphyriana* the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil? *affirm'd*.

D 4

The MEMOIRS of

56

II. If transcendental goodneſs could be truly prædi-
cated of the Devil? *affirm'd*.

III. Whether one, or many be firſt? or if one doth
not fuppoſe the notion of many? *Suarez*.

IV. If the desire of news in mankind be *appetitus
innatus* not *elicitus*? *affirm'd*.

V. Whether there are in human understandings po-
tential falſities? *affirm'd*.

VI. Whether God loves a *poſsible Angel* better than an *actually-existent flie*? *deny'd*.

VII. If Angels pafs from one extreme to another
without going through the middle? *Aquinas*.

VIII. If Angels know things more clearly in a
morning? *Aquinas*.

IX. Whether every Angel hears what one Angel
ſays to another? *deny'd*. *Aquinas*.

X. If temptation be *proprium quarto modo* of the
Devil? *deny'd*. *Aquinas*.

XI. Whether one Devil can illuminate another?
*Aquin*.

XII. If there would have been any females born
in the ſtate of Innocence? *Aquinas*.

XIII. If the Creation was finiſh'd in fix days, be-
cauſe fix is the moſt perſeſt number; or if fix
be the moſt perſeſt number becauſe the Creation
was finiſhed in fix days? *Aquinas*.

There were ſeveral others of which in the courſe of
the Life of this learned perſon we may have occaſi-
on to treat, and one particularly that remains unde-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS.

57

cided to this day; it was taken from the learned
Suarez.

XIV. *An præter eſſe reale actualis effentiæ fit aliud
eſſe neceſſarium quo res actualiter exiſtat? In
Engliſh thus. Whether beſides the real being
of actual being, there be any other being ne-
ceſſary to cauſe a thing to be?*

This brings into my mind a Project to baniſh
Metaphyſicks out of Spain, which it was ſuppos'd
might be effectuated by this method: That no-
body ſhould uſe any Compound or Decompound
of the Subſtantial Verbs but as they are read in the
common conjugations; for every body will allow,
that if you debar a Metaphyſician from ens, effen-
tia, entitas, ſubſſtientia, &c. there is an end of
him.

Crambe regretted extremely, that *Subſtantial Forms*, a race of harmleſs beings which had laſted for many years, and afforded a comfortable ſubſiſtance to many poor Philosophers, ſhould be now hunted down like so many Wolves, without the poſſibility of a retreat. He confider'd that it had gone much harder with them than with *Effences*, which had retir'd from the *Schools* into the *Apothe-caries Shops*, where ſome of them had been ad-vanc'd into the degree of *Quinteffences*. He thought there ſhould be a retreat for poor ſubſtan-tial *Forms*, amongſt the Gentlemen-uſhers at court;

58 The MEMOIRS of

and that there were indeed substantial forms, such
as forms of Prayer, and forms of Government, with-
out which, the things themselves could never long
subfit. He also us'd to wonder that there was not
a reward for such as could find out a fourth Figure
in Logick, as well as for those who should discover
the Longitude.

CHAP. VIII.

ANATOMY.

Cornelius, it is certain, had a most superfliti-
ous veneration for the Ancients; and if they
contradicted each other, his Reason was so pliant
and ductile, that he was always of the opinion of
the last he read. But he reckon'd it a point of ho-
nour never to be vanquished in a dispute; from
which quality he acquir'd the Title of the Invin-
cible Doctor. While the Professor of Anatomy was
demonstrating to his son the several kinds of Inte-
flines, Cornelius affirm'd that there were only two,
the Colon and the Aichos, according to Hippocrates,
who it was impossible could ever be mistaken. It
was in vain to assure him this error proceeded from
want of accuracy in dividing the whole Canal of
the Guts: Say what you please (he reply'd) this

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 59

is both mine and Hippocrates's opinion. You may
with equal reason (answer'd the Professor) affirm
that a man's Liver hath five Lobes, and deny the
Circulation of the blood. Ocular demonstration
(faid Cornelius) seems to be on your side, yet I
shall not give it up: Shew me any viscus of a hu-
man body, and I will bring you a monster that
differs from the common rule in the structure of it.
If Nature shows such variety in the same age, why
may she not have extended it further in several
ages? Produce me a man now of the age of an
Antediluvian, of the strength of Sampson, or the
size of the Giants. If in the whole, why may
it not in parts of the body, be possible the pre-
sent generation of men may differ from the An-
cients? The Moderns have perhaps lengthen'd the
channel of the guts by Gluttony, and diminished
the liver by hard drinking. Though it shall be
demonstrated that modern blood circulates, yet I
will still believe, with Hippocrates, that the blood
of the Ancients had a flux and reflux from the
heart, like a Tide. Confider how Luxury hath
introduced new diseases, and with them not impro-
bably alter'd the whole Course of the Fluids. Con-
fider how the current of mighty Rivers, nay the
very channels of the Ocean are changed from what
they were in ancient days; and can we be so vain
to imagine that the Microcosm of the human body
alone is exempted from the fate of all things? I

60 The MEMOIRS of

question not but plausible Conjectures may be
made even as to the Time when the blood first be-
gan to circulate.—Such disputes as these frequently
perplex'd the Professor to that degree, that he
would now and then in a passion leave him in the
middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happen'd soon after, an un-
usual accident, which retarded the prosecution of
the studies of Martin. Having purchas'd the body
of a Malefactor, he hir'd a Room for its diff'ction,
near the Peft fields in St. Giles's, at a little distance
from Tyburn Road. Crambe (to whose care this
body was committed) carry'd it thither about
twelve o' clock at night in a Hackney-coach, few
House keepers being very willing to let their lodg-
ings to such kind of Operators. As he was softly
stalking up Stairs in the dark, with the dead man
in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipp'd
from him, which he (to fave from falling) graf'd
so hard about the belly that it forced the wind
through the Anus, with a noife exactly like the
Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not
comprehend how this part of the Animal Oecoно-
my could remain in a dead man) was so terrify'd,
that he threw down the body, ran up to his ma-
fter, and had scarce breath to tell him what had
happen'd. Martin with all his Philosophy could
not prevail upon him to return to his poft. You
may say what you pleafe (quoth Crambe) no man

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 6r

alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay, he
feemed to be mightily relieved by it. The rolling
of the corps down Stairs made such a noise that it
awak'd the whole house. The maid shriek'd; the
landlady cry'd out Thieves; but the Landlord, in
his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand,
and a drawn sword in the other, ventur'd out of
the Room. The maid with only a single petticoat
ran up Stairs, but spurning at the dead body, fell
upon it in a fwoon. Now the landlord stood still
and lift'ned, then he look'd behind him, and ven-
tur'd down in this manner one stair after another,
till he came where lay his maid, as dead, upon
another corps unknown. The wife ran into the
freet and cry'd out Murder! The Watch ran in,
while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar,
were coming down Stairs. The Watch imagin'd
they were making their escape, feiz'd them imme-
diately, and carried them to a neighbouring Justice;
where, upon searching them, several kind of
knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them.
The Justice first examin'd Crambe. What is your
Name? fays the Justice. I have acquir'd (quoth
Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me
Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to my-
felf; though it may be fome dispute to pofterity.—
What is yours and your Mafter's profession; —
" It is our buſineſs to imbrue our hands in blood;
" we cut off the heads, and pull out the hearts of

62 The MEMOIRS of

“ those that never injur'd us; we rip up big-belly'd
“ women, and tear children limb from limb.”
Martin endeavour'd to interrupt him; but the Ju-
stice being strangely aſtoniſh'd with the frankneſs of
Crambe's Conſeſſion, order'd him to proceed; upon
which he made the following Speech.

“ May it please your Worſhip, as touching the
“ body of this man, I can anſwer each head that
“ my accufers alledge againſt me, to a hair. They
“ have hitherto talk'd like num-ſculls without
“ brains; but if your Worſhip will not only give
“ ear, but regard me with a favourable eye, I
“ will not be brow-beaten by the ſupercilious looks
“ of my adverſaries, who now ſtand cheek by
“ jowl by your Worſhip. I will prove to their
“ faces, that their foul mouths have not open'd
“ their lips without a falſity; though they have
“ ſhew'd their teeth as if they would bite off my
“ nose. Now, Sir, that I may fairly ſlip my
“ neck out of the collar, I beg this matter may
“ not be flightly ſkin'd over. Tho' I have no man
“ here to back me, I will unboſom myſelf, ſince
“ Truth is on my ſide, and ſhall give them their
“ bellies full, though they think they have me
“ upon the hip. Whereas they ſay I came into
“ their lodgings, with arms, and murder'd this
“ man without their Privity, I declare I had not
“ the leaſt finger in it; and ſince I am to ſtand
“ upon my own legs, nothing of this matter ſhall

3

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 63

“ be left till I fet it upon a right foot. In the
“ vein I am in, I cannot for my heart's blood
“ and guts bear this uſage: I ſhall not ſpare my
“ lungs to defend my good name: I was ever
“ reckon'd a good liver; and I think I have the
“ bowels of compaſſion. I aſk but justice, and
“ from the crown of my head to the foal of my
“ foot I ſhall ever acknowledge myſelf your Wor-
“ ſhip's humble Servant.”

The justice ſtared, the Landlord and Landlady
lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while
Crambe talk'd in this rambling incoherent manner;
till at length Martin begg'd to be heard. It was
with great difficulty that the Justice was convinc'd,
till they ſent for the Finiſher of human laws, of
whom the Corps had been purchas'd; who look-
ing near the left ear, knew his own work, and
gave Oath accordingly.

No sooner was Martin got home, but he fell in-
to a paſſion at Crambe. “ What Dæmon, he
“ cried, hath poſſeſſed thee, that thou wilt never
“ forſake that impertinent custom of punning?
“ Neither my counsel nor my example have thus
“ miſled thee; thou government thyſelf by moſt er-
“ roneous Maxims.” Far from it (anſwers Cram-
be) my life is as orderly as my Diſectionary, for by
“ my Diſectionary I order my life. I have made a
Kalendar of radical words for all the ſeafons,
months, and days of the year: Every day I am

64 The MEMOIRS of

under the dominion of a certain Word: But this
day in particular I cannot be miffed, for I am go-
vern'd by one that rules all sexes, ages, conditions,
nay all animals rational and irrational. Who is
not govern'd by the word Led? Our Noblemen and
Drunkards are pimp-led, Physicians and Pulfes
fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-
married Man and an Afs are bride-led, an old-
married Man and a Pack-horse fad-led; Cats and
Dice rat-led, Swine and Nobility are fty-led, a
Coquet and a Tinder box are spark-led, a Lover
and a Blunderer are grove-led. And that I may
not be tedious —Which thou art (reply'd Martin,
ftamping with his foot) which thou art, I fay,
beyond all human toleration—Such an unnatu-
ral, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, un-
profitable—There it is now (interrupted Crambe)
this is your Day for Uns. Martin could bear no
longer—however compofing his Countenance,
Come hither—he cry'd, there are five pounds,
feventeen fhillings and nine pence: thou haft been
with me eight months, three weeks, two days,
and four hours. Poor Crambe upon the receipt of
his Salary, fell into tears, flung the money upon
the ground, and burft forth in these words: "O
" Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a
" Crime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias!
" if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 65

" bias'd." Whereupon Martin (confidering that
one of the greatest of Orators, and even a Sage of
Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and re-in-
fated Crambe in his Service.

CHAP. IX.

How Martin became a great Critic.

IT was a most peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every Trifle into a serious thing, either in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no way be better exemplified, than in the effect which the Puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies of Martinus. He conceiv'd, that somewhat of a like Talent to this of Crambe, of affembling paral. lel founds, either fillables, or words, might conduce to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Au- thors, if applied to their Works, with the fame di- ligence, and the fame liberty. He refolv'd to try first upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence; concluding, that, if the most correct Authors could be so served with any reputation to the Critick, the amendment and alteration of all the reft wou'd easily follow; whereby a new, a vaft, nay boundleſs Field of Glory would be open'd to the true and absolute Critick.

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, in the

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66 The MEMOIRS of

Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His Ten-
rence and Horace are in every body's hands, under
the names of Richard B—ley, and Francis H—re.
And we have convincing proofs that the late Edi-
tion of Milton publish'd in the name of the former
of thefe, was in truth the Work of no other than
our Scriblerus.

CHAP. X.

BUT it is high time to return to the History of
the Progrefes of Martinus in the Studies of
Physick, and to enumerate some at least of the many
Discoveries and Experiments he made therein.

One of the firſt was his Method of inveſtigating
latent Diftempers, by the ſagacious Quality of Set-
ting-Dogs and Pointers. The ſucces, and the Ad-
ventures that befel him, when he walk'd with theſe
Animals, to ſmell them out in the Parks and pub-
lic places about London, are what we would wil-
lingly relate; but that his own Account, together
with a Lift of those Gentlemen and Ladies at whom
they made a Full Sett, will be publish'd in time
convenient. There will alſo be added the Repre-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 67

ſentation, which on occafion of one diſtemper which
was become almoſt epidemical, he thought himſelf
oblig'd to lay before both Housſes of Parliament, in-
titled, *A Proposal for a General Flux*, to exterminate
at one blow the P—x out of this Kingdom.

He next proceeded to an Enquiry into the Nature
and Tokens of Virginity, according to the Jewish Do-
etrines, which occafion'd that moſt curious Treatife
of the Purification of a Queen Eſther, with a Display
of her Cafe at large; ſpeedily alſo to be published.

But being weary of all practice on ſetid Bodies,
from a certain nicencſs of Conſtitution (eſpecially
when he attended Dr. Woodward thro' a Twelve-
month's courſe of Vomition) he determined to leave
it off entirely, and to apply himſelf only to diſeafe
of the Mind. He attempted to find out Specifics
for all the Paffions; and, as other Phyſicians throw
their Patients into sweats, vomits, purgations, &c.
he caſt them into love, hatred, hope, fear, joy,
grief, &c. And indeed the great Irregularity of
the Paffions in the English Nation, was the chief
motive that induced him to apply his whole ſtudies,
while he continued among us, to the Diseafe of
the Mind.

To this purpose he directed, in the firſt place, his
late acquir'd ſkill in Anatomy. He confider'd Vir-
tues and Vices as certain Habits which proceed from

a Vid. Eſther, chap. ii. y 12.

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68 The MEMOIRS of

the natural Formation and Structure of particular
parts of the body. A Bird flies because it has
Wings; a Duck swims because it is web-footed; and
there can be no question but the aduncity of the
pounces, and beaks of the Hawks, as well as the
length of the fangs, the sharpness of the teeth, and
the strength of the crural and Massester-muscles in
Lions and Tygers, are the cause of the great and
habitual Immorality of those Animals.

1st, He observed that the Soul and Body mutually
operate upon each other, and therefore, if you de-
prive the Mind of the outward Instruments whereby
the usually expresseth that Passion, you will in time
abate the Passion itself; in like manner as Castration
abates Luſt.

2dly, That the Soul in mankind expresseth every
Passion by the Motion of some particular Muscles.

3dly, That all Muscles grow stronger and thick-
er by being much us'd; therefore the habitual Paf-
fions may be discerned in particular persons by the
strength and bignes of the Muscles us'd in the ex-
pression of that Passion.

4thly, That a Muscle may be ſtrengthen'd or
weakned by weakning or strengthening the force of
its Antagoniſt. These things premis'd, he took
notice,

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 69

That complaisance, humility, affent, approbation,
and civility, were expreſs'd by nodding the head
and bowing the body forward: on the contrary,
diffent, diſlike, refusal, pride, and arrogance, were
mark'd by toſſing the head, and bending the body
backwards: which two Paffions of affent and diffent
the Latins rightly expreſſ'd by the words adnuere
and abnuere. Now he obſerv'd that complaifant
and civil people had the Flexors of the head very
ſtrong; but in the proud and insolent there was a
great over-balance of ſtrength in the Extenſors of
the Neck and the Muscles of the Back, from whence
they perform with great facility the motion of toſ-
ſing, but with great difficulty that of bowing, and
therefore have juſtly acquir'd the title of ſtiff-
neck'd. In order to reduce ſuch perſons to a juſt ba-
lance, he judg'd that the pair of Muscles call'd Re-
ſeti interni, the Maſtoidal, with other flexors of the
head, neck, and body muſt be ſtrengthen'd; their
Antagoniſts, the Splenii Complexi, and the Extenſors
of the Spine, weaken'd: For which purpofe Nature
herself ſeems to have directed mankind to correct
this Muscular Immorality by tying ſuch fellows
Neck-and-heels.

Contrary to this is the pernicious Custom of Mo-
tbers, who abolifh the natural Signature of Modesty
in their Daughters by teaching them toſſing and
bridling, rather than the bafthful poſture of flooping,
and hanging down the head. Martinus charg'd all

E 3

70 The MEMOIRS of

husbands to take notice of the Posture of the Head of such as they courted to Matrimony, as that upon which their future happineſs did much depend.

Flatterers, who have the flexor Muscles ſo ſtrong that they are always bowing and cringing, he ſuppos'd might in ſome measure be corrected by being tied down upon a Tree by the back, like the children of the Indians; which doctrine was strongly confirm'd by his obſerving the ſtrength of the levatores Scapulæ: These Muscles are call'd the Muscles of patience, because in that affection of Mind people ſhrug and raiſe up the shoulders to the tip of the ear. These Muscles also he obſerved to be exceedingly ſtrong and large in Henpeck'd Husbands, in Italians, and in English Minifters.

In purſuance of his Theory, he ſuppos'd the Conſtrictors of the Eye-lids muſt be ſtrengthen'd in the ſupercilious, the abductors in drunkards and contemplative men, who have the fame ſteddy and grave motion of the eye. That the buccinatores or blowers up of the Cheeks, and the dilators of the Nose, were too ſtrong in Cholerick people; and therefore Nature here again directed us to a remedy, which was to correct ſuch extraordinary dilatation by pulling by the Nose.

The rolling amorous Eye, in the Paſsion of Love, might be corrected by frequently looking thro' glaſſes. Impertinent ſellows that jump upon tables, and cut capers, might be cur'd by relaxing

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 71

medicines applied to the Calves of the legs, which in ſuch people are too ſtrong.

But there were two cafes which he reckon'd extremely difficult. First, Affection, in which there were ſo many Muscles of the bum, thighs, belly, neck, back, and the whole body, all in a false tone, that it requir'd an impracticable multiplicity of applications.

The ſecond cafe was immoderate Laughter: When any of that rible ſpecies were brought to the Doctor, and when he confider'd what an infinity of Muscles theſe laughing Raſcals threw into a convulfive motion at the fame time; whether we regard the ſpafms of the Diaphragm and all the muscles of reſpiration, the horrible rictus of the mouth, the diſtortion of the lower jaw, the crifping of the noſe, twinkling of the eyes, or ſphærical convexity of the cheeks, with the tremulous ſuccuffion of the whole human body; when he confider'd, I ſay, all this, he uſed to cry out, Catus plane deplorabilis! and give ſuch Patients over.

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The MEMOIRS of
CHAP. XI.

*The Cafe of a young Nobleman at Court, with the Doctor's Prescription for the fame.*

AN eminent instance of Martinus's sagacity in discovering the dilempers of the Mind, appeared in the cafe of a young Nobleman at Court, who was observed to grow extremely affected in his speech, and whimsical in all his behaviour. He began to ask odd questions, talk in verse to himself, shut himself up from his friends, and be accessible to none, but Flatterers, Poets, and Pickpockets; till his Relations and old Acquaintance judged him to be so far gone, as to be a fit Patient for the Doctor.

As soon as he had heard and examined all the symptoms, he pronounced his distemper to be Love.

His friends assured him that they had with great care observed all his motions, and were perfectly satisfied there was no Woman in the cafe. Scriblerus was as positive that he was desperately in love with some person or other. " How can that be? " (said his Aunt, who came to ask the advice) " when he converses almost with none but him " self? " Say you so? (he replied) why then he is in love with Himself, one of the most common

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 73

cafes in the world. I amafthonish'd, people do not enough attend this disease, which has the fame causes and symptoms, and admits of the fame cure, with the other: especially since here the cafe of the Patient is the more helpful and deplorable of the two, as this unfortunate passion is more blind than the other. There are people who discover from their very youth a most amorous inclination to themselves; which is unhappily nur'd by such Mothers, as, with their good will, would never suffer their children to be cross'd in love. Eafe, luxury, and idleness, blow up this flame as well as the other: Constant opportunities of conversation with the person beloved (the greatest of incentives) are here impossible to be prevented. Bawds and Pimps in the other love, will be perpetually doing kind offices, speaking a good word for the party, and carry about Billet-doux. Therefore I ask you, Madam, if this Gentleman has not been much frequented by Flatterers, and a fort of people who bring him dedications and verses? " O Lord! Sir, (quoth the " Aunt) the house is haunted with them." There it is (replied Scriblerus) those are the bawds and pimps that go between a man and himself. Are there no civil Ladies, that tell him he dreffes well, has a gentlemanly air, and the like? " Why truly, " Sir, my Nephew is not aukward — Look you, Madam, this is a misfortune to him: In former days this fort of lovers were happy in one respect,

74 *The MEMOIRS of*

that they never had any Rivals, but of late they
have all the Ladies so — Be pleased to answer a
few questions more. Whom does he generally talk
of? Himself, quoth the Aunt. Whose wit and
breeding does he most commend? His own, quoth
the Aunt. Whom does he write letters to? Him-
felf. Whom does he dream of? All the dreams I
ever heard were of himself? Whom is he ogling
yonder? Himself in his looking-glafs. Why does
he throw back his head in that languishing pofture?
Only to be blest with a smile of himself as he passeth
by. Does he ever steal a kif from himself, by
biting his lips? “Oh continually, till they are per-
“ feet vermillion.” Have you observed him to use
Familiarities with any body? “With none but him-
“ self: he often embraces himself with folded arms,
“ he claps his hand often upon his hip, nay some-
“ times thrusts it into — his breast.”

Madam, said the Doctor, all these are strong symptoms, but there remain a few more. Has this amorous gentleman prefented himself with any Love-toys; such as gold Snuff-boxes, repeating Watches, or Tweezer-cafes? those are things that in time will foften the most obdurate heart. " Not only so, (said the " Aunt) but he bought the other day a very fine " brillant diamond Ring for his own wearing — Nay, if he has accepted of this Ring, the intrigue is very forward indeed, and it is high time for friends to interpoſe. Pray, Madam, a word or two

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 75

more — Is he jealous that his acquaintance do
not behave themselves with respect enough? will
he bear jokes and innocent freedoms? " By no
" means; a familiar appellation makes him angry;
" if you shake him a little roughly by the hand,
" he is in a rage; but if you chuck him under the
" chin, he will return you a box on the ear." —
Then the cafe is plain: he has the true Pathogno-
mick sign of Love, *Jealousy*; for no body will suf-
fer his miffits to be treated at that rate. Madam,
upon the whole this Cafe is extremely dangerous.
There are some people who are far gone in this
passion of self-love, but then they keep a *very secret*
*Intrigue* with themselves, and hide it from all the
world befides. But this Patient has not the least
care of the Reputation of his Beloved, he is down-
right scandalous in his behaviour with himself; he
is enchanted, bewitch'd, and almost paſt cure.
However let the following methods be tried upon
him.

First, let him *** Hiatus. *** Secondly, let
him wear a Bob-wig. Thirdly, shun the company
of flatterers, nay of ceremonious people, and of all
Frenchmen in general. It would not be amifs, if
he travel'd over England in a Stage-coach, and
made the Tour of Holland in a Track-coute. Let
him return the Snuff-boxes, Tweezer-cafes (and par-
ticularly the Diamond Ring) which he has receiv'd
from himself. Let some knowing friend repreſent to

76 *The MEMOIRS of*

him the many vile Qualities of this Mistrefs of
his: let him be shewn that her Extravagance, Pride,
and Prodigality will infallibly bring him to a mor-
sel of bread: Let it be prov'd, that he has been
fale to himself, and if Treachery is not a sufficient
caufe to discard a Mistrefs, what is? In short, let
him be made to see that no mortal besides himself
either loves or can suffer this Creature. Let all
Looking-glasses, polish'd Toys, and even clean
Plates be removed from him, for fear of bringing
back the admired object. Let him be taught to
put off all those tender airs, affected smiles, lan-
guishing looks, wanton toffes of the head, coy mo-
tions of the body, that mincing gait, soft tone of
voice, and all that enchanting woman-like behavi-
our, that has made him the charm of his own
eyes, and the object of his own adoration. Let
him surprize the Beauty he adores at a difadvantage;
 Survey himself naked, divested of artificial charms,
and he will find himself a forked ftradling Animal,
with bandy legs, a short neck, a dun hide, and a
pot-belly. It would be yet better if he took a
strong purge once a week, in order to contemplate
himself in that condition; at which time it will be
convenient to make use of the Letters, Dedications,
&c. above said. Something like this has been ob-
ferved by Lucretius and others to be a powerful re-
medy in the cafe of Women. If all this will not
do, I must e'en leave the poor man to his deftiny.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS.

77
Let him marry himself, and, when he is condemn'd
eternally to himself, perhaps he may run to the
next pond to get rid of himself, the Fate of moft
violent Self-lovers.

CHAP. XII.

How Martinus endeavoured to find out the Seat
of the Soul, and of his Correspondence with
the Free-Thinkers.

IN this Design of Martin to inveſtigate the Dif-
eases of the Mind, he thought nothing so ne-
ceſsary as an Enquiry after the *Seat* of the *Soul*; in
which at first he labour'd under great uncertainties.
Sometimes he was of opinion that it lodg'd in the
Brain, sometimes in the Stomach, and sometimes
in the Heart. Afterwards he thought it absurd to
confine that sovereign Lady to one apartment, which
made him infer that he shifted it according to the
feveral functions of life: The Brain was her Study,
the Heart her State-room, and the Stomach her
Kitchen. But as he saw ſeveral offices of life went
on at the fame time, he was fore'd to give up this
Hypothefis also. He now conjectured it was more
for the dignity of the Soul to perform ſeveral ope-
rations by her little Minifters, the *Animal Spirits*,

78 The MEMOIRS of

from whence it was natural to conclude, that the
refides in different parts according to different Incli-
nations, Sexes, Ages, and Professions. Thus in E-
picures he feated her in the mouth of the Stomach,
Philofophers have her in the Brain, Soldiers in their
Hearts, Women in their Tongues, Fidlers in their
Fingers, and Rope-dancers in their Toes. At
length he grew fond of the *Glandula Pinealis*, dif-
feeting many Subjects to find out the different Fi-
gure of this Gland, from whence he might discover
the caufe of the different Tempers in mankind. He
fuppos'd that in factious and reftlefs-fpirited people
he fhouid find it sharp and pointed, allowing no
room for the Soul to repofe herself; that in quiet
Tempers it was flat, smooth, and soft, affording to
the Soul as it were an easy cufhion. He was con-
firm'd in this by obferving, that Calves and Philo-
fophers, Tygers and Statefmen, Foxes and Shar-
pers, Peacocks and Fops, Cock-Sparrows and Co-
quets, Monkeys and Players, Courtiers and Spaniels,
Moles and Mifers, exaſtly reſemble one another in
the conformation of the *Pineal Gland*. He did not
doubt likewife to find the fame ſemblance in
Highway-men and Conquerors: In order to fatisfy
himſelf in which, it was, that he purchased the
body of one of the firſt Species (as hath been before
related) at Tyburn; hoping in time to have the
happineſs of one of the latter too, under his ana-
tomical knife.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 79

We muſt not omit taking notice here, that theſe
Enquiries into the *Seat* of the *Soul* gave occasion
to his firſt corſpondence with the ſociety of *Free-
Thinkers*, who were then in their infancy in England,
and ſo much taken with the promiſing endowments
of Martin, that they order'd their Secretary to write
him the following Letter.

*To the learned Inquifitor into Nature, MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS, The Society of Free-Thinkers greeting.*

Grecian Coffee-Houſe, May 7.

I
T is with unspeakable joy we have heard of your
inquisitive Genius, and we think it great pity
that it should not be better employed, than in
looking after that Theological Non-entity common-
ly call'd the *Soul*: Since after all your enquiries, it
will appear you have loft your labour in seeking
the Refidence of such a Chimera, that never had
being but in the brains of some dreaming Philoso-
phers. Is it not *Demonſtration* to a perſon of your
Senſe, that, ſince you cannot find it, there is no ſuch
*thing* ? In order to ſet ſo hopeful a Genius right in
this matter, we have ſent you an anſwer to the ill-
grounded Sophifms of thoſe crack-brain'd ſellows,
and likewife an eafy *mechanical Explication of Per-
ception or Thinking*.

80 The MEMOIRS of

One of their chief Arguments is, that Self con-
sciousneſs cannot inhere in any ſystem of Matter,
becauſe all matter is made up of ſeveral diſtinct be-
ings, which never can make up one individual
thinking being.

This is easily anſwer'd by a familiar inſtance: In
every Jack there is a meat-roaſing Quality, which
neither reſides in the Fly, nor in the Weight, nor
in any particular wheel of the Jack, but is the re-
ſult of the whole compoſition: So in an Animal,
the Self-consciousneſs is not a real quality inherent
in one Being (any more than meat-roaſing in a
Jack) but the reſult of ſeveral modes or qualities in
the fame ſubject. As the fly, the wheels, the chain,
the weight, the cords, &c. make one Jack, ſo the
ſeveral parts of the body make one Animal. As
perception or consciousness is ſaid to be inherent in
this Animal, ſo is meat-roaſing ſaid to be inherent
in the Jack. As ſenſation, reaſoning, volition, me-
mory, &c. are the ſeveral Modes of thinking; ſo
roaſing of beef, roaſing of mutton, roaſing of
pullets, geese, turkeys, &c. are the ſeveral modes
of meat-roaſing. And as the general Quality of
meat-roaſing, with its ſeveral modifications as to
beef, mutton, pullets, &c. does not inhere in any
one part of the Jack; ſo neither does Conſciouſneſs,
with its ſeveral modes of ſenſation, intellecſion, vo-
lition, &c. inhere in any one, but is the reſult
from the mechanical compoſition of the whole A-
nimal.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 81

Just so, the Quality or Dispoſition in a Fiddle to
play tunes, with the ſeveral modifications of this
tune-playing Quality in playing of Preludes, Sar-
bands, Jigs, and Gavotts, are as much real Qualities
in the Inſtrument, as the thought or the imagina-
tion is in the mind of the Person that compoſes
them.

The Parts (ſay they) of an animal body are per-
petually chang'd, and the fluids, which ſeem to be
ſubject of consciousness, are in a perpetual circula-
tion; ſo that the fame individual particles do not
remain in the Brain; from whence it will follow,
that the idea of Individual Consciousneſs muſt be
conſtantly translated from one particle of matter to
another, whereby the particle A, for example, muſt
not only be conscious, but conscious that it is the
fame being with the particle B that went before.

We anſwer, this is only a fallacy of the imagi-
nation, and is to be underſtood in no other ſenſe
than that maxim of the English Law, that the
King never dies. This power of thinking, ſelf-mo-
ving, and governing the whole Machine, is com-
municated from every Particle to its immediate Suc-
cessor; who, as ſoon as he is gone, immediately
takes upon him the Government, which ſtill pre-
ferves the Unity of the whole System.

They make a great noise about this Individua-
lity: how a man is conscious to himself that he is
the fame Individual he was twenty years ago; not-

F

82 The MEMOIRS of

withstanding the flux state of the Particles of matter
that compoſe his body. We think this is capable
of a very plain anſwer, and may be eaſily illustra-
ted by a familiar example.

Sir John Cutler had a pair of black worſted ſtock-
ings, which his maid darn'd ſo often with ſilk, that
they became at laſt a pair of ſilk ſtockings. Now
ſuppoſing thoſe ſtockings of Sir John's endued with
ſome degree of Conſciouſneſs at every particular darn-
ing, they would have been ſenſible, that they were
the fame individual pair of ſtockings both before and
after the darning; and this ſenſation would have
continued in them through all the ſucceſſion of darn-
ings; and yet after the laſt of all, there was not
perhaps one thread left of the firſt pair of ſtockings,
but they were grown to be ſilk ſtockings, as was
ſaid before.

And whereas it is affirm'd, that every animal is
conſcious of ſome individual ſelf-moving, ſelf-deter-
mining principle; it is anſwered, that as in a Houſe
of Commons all things are determin'd by a Majo-
rity, ſo it is in every Animal ſystem. As that
which determines the Houſe is ſaid to be the reaſon
of the whole aſſembly; it is no otherwife with
thinking Beings, who are determin'd by the greater
force of ſeveral particles; which, like ſo many un-
thinking Members, compoſe one thinking System.

And whereas it is likewise objeſted, that Punish-
ments cannot be juſt that are not inſuſtied upon the

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 83

fame individual, which cannot ſubſiſt without the
notion of a ſpiritual ſubſtance. We reply, that this
is no greater difficulty to conceive, than that a
Corporation, which is likewise a flux body, may
be puniſhed for the ſaults, and liable to the debts,
of their Predeceſſors.

We proceed now to explain, by the ſtructure of
the Brain, the ſeveral Modes of thinking. It is
well known to Anatomifts that the Brain is a Conge-
ries of Glands, that ſeparate the ſiner parts of the
blood, call'd Animal Spirits; that a Gland is no-
thing but a Canal of a great length, variously in-
torted and wound up together. From the Arieta-
tion and Motion of the Spirits in thoſe Canals, pro-
ceed all the different ſorts of Thought: Simple I-
deas are produced by the motion of the Spirits in
one ſimple Canal: When two of theſe Canals diſem-
bogue themſelves into one, they make what we call
a Propoſition; and when two of theſe propoſitional
chanels empty themſelves into a third, they form
a Syllogiſm, or a Ratiocination. Memory is per-
form'd in a diſtinet apartment of the brain, made
up of veſſels ſimilar, and like ſituated to the ideal,
propoſitional, and ſyllogiſtical veſſels, in the pri-
mary parts of the brain. After the fame manner it
is eaſy to explain the other modes of thinking; as
also why ſome people think ſo wrong and perverſe-
ly, which proceeds from the bad configuration of
thoſe Glands. Some, for example, are born with-

F 2

84 *The MEMOIRS of*

out the propositional or fyllogiftical Canals; in others that reafon ill, they are of unequal capacities; in dull fellows, of too great a length, whereby the motion of the ſpirits is retarded; in trifling genius's, weak and ſmall; in the over-refining ſpirits, too much intorted and winding; and ſo of the reſt.

We are ſo much perfuaded of the truth of this our Hypothefis, that we have employ'd one of our Members, a great Virtuoſo at Nuremberg, to make a ſort of an Hydraulic Engine, in which a chemical liquor reſembling Blood, is driven through elapaſſic channes reſembling arteries and veins, by the force of an Embolus like the heart, and wrought by a pneumatic Machine of the nature of the lungs, with ropes and pullies, like the nerves, tendons and muſcles: And we are perfuaded that this our artificial Man will not only walk, and ſpeak, and perform moſt of the outward actions of the animal life, but (being wound up once a week) will perhaps reaſon as well as moſt of your Country Parſons.

We wait with the utmoſt impatience for the honour of having you a Member of our Society, and beg leave to aflüre you that we are, &c.

What return Martin made to this obliging Letter we muſt defer to another occafion: let it suffice at preſent to tell, that Crambe was in a great rage at them, for ſtealing (as he thought) a hint from his *Theory of Syllogisms*, without doing him

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 85

the honour ſo much as to mention him. He adviſ'd his Maſter by no means to enter into their Society, unleſs they would give him ſufficient ſecu-rity, to bear him harmleſs from any thing that might happen after this preſent life.

## CHAP. XIV.

### *The DOUBLE MISTRESS.*

N. B. *The ſtyle of this Chapter in the Original Moirs is ſo singularly different from the reſt, that it is hard to conceive by whom it was pennd. But if we consider the particular Regard which our Philofopher had for it, who expreſſely directed that not one Word of this Chapter ſhould be alter'd, it will be natural to ſuſpect that it was written by himſelf, at the Time when Love (ever delighting in Romances) had ſomeWHAT tinctur'd his Style; and that the Remains of his first and ſtrongest Affion gave him a Partiality to this Memorial of it. Thus it begins.*

BUT now the ſucceſſul Courſe of the Studies of Martin was interrupted by Love: Love, that unnerves the Vigour of the Hero, and ſoftens the Severity of the Philofopher. It chanced, that as Martin was walking forth to inhale the fresh

F 3

The MEMOIRS of

breeze of the Evening, after the long and severe
Studies of the day, and paſſing through the
Western confines of the famous Metropolis of Al-
bion, not far from the proud Battlements of the
Palace of Whitehall, whose walls are embraced by
the silver Thames; his eyes were drawn upwards
by a large square piece of Canvas, which hung
forth to the view of the paſſing Citizens. Upon it
was pourtrayed by some accurate pencil, the Li-
byan Leopard, more fierce than in his native Desert;
the mighty Lion, who boafted thrice the bulk of
the Nemæan monster; before whom ſtood the lit-
tle Jackall, the faithful spy of the King of beaſts:
Near these was placed, of two Cubits high, the
black Prince of Monomotapa; by whose ſide were
seen the glaring Cat-a-mountain, the quill-darting
Porcupine, and the Man-mimicking Manteger.
Close adjoining to this, hung another piece of Can-
vas on which was diſplay'd the portrait of two
Bohemian Damſels, whom Nature had as cloſely
united as the ancient Hermaphroditus and Salma-
cis; and whom it was as impoſſible to divide, as
the mingled waters of the gentle Thames and the
amorous Ifis. While Martin ſtood in a meditating
poſture, feaſting his eyes on this Picture, he heard
on a ſudden the ſonorous notes of a Clarion, which
ſeem'd of the pureſt crystal: In an inſtant the paſ-
ſing multitude flock'd to the ſound, as when a
Drum ſummons the ſtraggling ſoldiers to the ap-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 87

proaching Battle. The youthful Virtuoſo, who
was in daily purfuit of the Curioſities of Nature,
was immediately ſurrounded by the gazing throng.
The doors, for ever barr'd to the penny-lefs popu-
lace, ſeem'd to open themſelves at his producing a
ſilver Six-pence, which (like Æneas's golden bough)
gain'd him admiffion into that Scene of Wonders.
He no sooner enter'd the firſt apartment, but his
noſtrils were ſtruck with the ſcent of Carnage;
broken Bones and naked Carcaſes beſtrow'd the floor.
The majestick Lion rouz'd from his bed, and ſhook
his brindled Mane; the ſpotted Leopard gnaſh'd his
angry teeth, and walking to and fro, in indigna-
tion rattled his chains. Martin with infinite plea-
fure heard the Hiftory of the ſeveral Monſters, which
was courteouſly open'd to him by a Perſon of a
grave and earneſt mien; whose frank behaviour and
ready anſwers diſcover'd him to have been long con-
verſant with different Nations, and to have jour-
ney'd through diſtant Regions. By him he was in-
formed, that the Lion was hunted on the hills of
Lebanon, by the Baſha of Jeruſalem; that the Leo-
pard was nurſ'd in the uninhabited woods of Libya;
the Porcupine came from the kingdom of Preſter-
John, and the Manteger was a true defendant of
the celebrated Hanniman the Magnificent. Sir,
faid Mr. Randal (for that was the name of the Ma-
ſter of the Show) the whole World cannot match
thefe prodigies; twice have I fail'd round the Globe,

F 4

88

The MEMOIRS of

these feet have travers'd the moſt remote and barba-
rous nations; and I can with confidence affirm, that
not all the Deferts of the four Quarters of the Earth
furnish out a more complete ſet of Animals than
what are contain'd within theſe walls. Friend (an-
fwer'd Martin) bold is thy Aſſertion, and wonderful
is the knowledge of a Traveller. But didſt thou
ever risque thy ſelf among the a Scythian Cannibals,
or thofe wild men of Abarimon, who walk with
their feet backwards? haſt thou ever ſeen the Sciopi-
des, ſo called becauſe when laid ſupine, they ſhelter
themselves from the Sun-beams with the ſhadow of
their feet? canſt thou procure me a Troglodyte foot-
man, who can catch a Roe at his full ſpeed? haſt
thou ever beheld thofe Illyrian damſels who have
two fights in one eye, whose looks are poſſinous to
males that are adult? haſt thou ever meaſur'd the
gigantick Ethiopian, whose ſtature is above eight
cubits high, or the ſefquipedalian Pigmey? haſt thou
ever ſeen any of the Cynocephali, who have the
head and voice of a Dog, and whose b milk is the only
true ſpecifick for Conſumptions? Sir (replied Mr.
Randal) all theſe have I beheld, upon my honour,
and many more which are ſet forth in my Journal:
As for your dog-fac'd men, they are no other than
what ſtands before you; that is naturally the fier-
ceſt, but by art the tameſt Manteger in the world.

a Pliny, lib. 7. cap. 2.

b Pliny, 1. 16.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 89

That word (replies Martin) is a corruption of the
Mantichora of the Ancients, the moſt noxious A-
nimal that ever infested the earth; who had a Sting
above a cubit long, and would attack a rank of
armed men at once, flinging his poſſuous darts ſe-
veral miles around him. Canſt thou inform me
whether the Boars grunt in Macedonia? Canſt thou
give me a Certificate that the Lions in Africa are
afraid of the ſcolding of Women? haſt thou ever
heard the fagacious Hyæna counterfeit the voice of
a ſhepherd, imitate the vomiting of a man to draw
the dogs together, and ev'n call a ſhepherd by his
proper name? Your Crocodile is but a ſmall one,
but you ought to have brought with him the bird
Trochilos, that picks his teeth after dinner, at which
the filly animal is ſo pleafed, that he gapes wide e-
nough to give the Ichneumon, his mortal enemy,
an entrance into his belly. Your modern Oſtriches
are dwindled to mere Larks in comparifon with
thofe of the Ancients; theirs were equal in ſtature
to a man on horſeback. Alas! we have loft the
chafte bird Porphyrion! the whole Race was de-
ſtroy'd by Women, becauſe they diſcover'd the infi-
delity of wives to their huſbands. The Merops
too is now no where to be found, the only bird

c Ælian, lib. 4. cap. 2. Pliny, lib. 11. cap. 51.

Pliny, lib. 8. cap. 30. lib. 8. cap. 25.

Ælian, lib. 3. cap. 42. Ælian, lib. i. cap. 49.

Ælian, lib. 1. cap. 2.

2

90 *The MEMOIRS of*

that flew backward by the tail. But fay, canst thou
inform me, what Dialect of the Greek is spoken by
the birds of Diomedes' Island? for it is from them
only we can learn the true pronunciation of that
ancient language. — Mr. Randal made no fatisfa-
ctory answer to these demands, but harangued chief-
ly upon modern Monsters, and seem'd willing to
confine his instances to the Animals of his own col-
lection, pointing to each of them in order with his
Rod.

After Martin had satisfied his curiosity here, he
was conducted into another Apartment. Juft at the
entrance of the door appear'd a Negroe Prince. His
habiliments be him royal; his head was
crown'd with the feather of an Ostrich, his fable
feet and legs were interlaced with Purple and Gold,
fpangled with the Diamonds of Cornwall, and the
precious fones of Bristol. Though his figure was
of the lowest, yet he behav'd himself with such an
Air of Grandeur, as gave evident tokens of his Re-
gal Birth and Education. He was mounted upon
the leaſt Palfrey in the Univerſe; a Palfrey whoſe
natural Beauty ſtood not in need of those various
colour'd Ribbons which braided his Mane, and were
interwoven with his Tail. Again the crystal Clarion
founded, and after ſeveral courteous ſpeeches between
the black Prince and Martin, our youthful Philoſo-
pher walk'd into the midft of the room, to bleſs
his fight with the moſt beautiful Curiosity of Nature.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 91

On a sudden enter'd at another door the two Bohemian Sifters, whose common parts of Generation, had so closely allied them, that Nature seem'd here to have confpired with Fortune, that their lives should run in an eternal Parallel.

The Sun had twice eight times perform'd his an-
nual courſe, ſince their Mother brought them into
the world with double pangs. Lindamira's eyes
were of a lively blue; Indamora's were black and
piercing. Lindamira's cheeks might rival the bluſh
of the morning; in Indamora the Lilly overcame
the Rofe. Lindamira's treſſes were of the paler
Gold, while the locks of Indamora were black and
gloſſy as the Plumes of a Raven.

How great is the power of Love in human
breaths! In vain has the Wife man recourse to his
Reafon, when the infinuating Arrow touches his
heart, and the pleafing Poifon is diffused through
his veins. But then how violent, how tranſporting
muſt that paſſion prove, where not only the Fire
of Youth, but the unquenchable Curiosity of a Phi-
loſopher, pitch'd upon the fame objeſt! For how
much ſoever our Martin was enamour'd on her as
a beautiful Woman, he was infinitely more ravifh'd
with her as a charming Monster. What wonder
then, if his gentle Spirit, already humaniz'd by a
polite Education to receive all ſoft impreſſions, and
ſired by the fight of those beauties ſo lavifhly ex-
pos'd to his view, ſhould prove unable to refift at

92 *The MEMOIRS of*

once so pleasing a Passion, and so amiable a Phænomenon ?

Martin, who felt the true emotions of Love, blushed that the object of his flame should be so openly prostituted to vulgar eyes. And though he had been permitted to peruse her most secret charms, yet his honourable passion was so strong, that it ran into the extreme of bashfulneſs; so that at the first interview he made no Overtures of his Love. Penſive he return'd, and flinging himself on his Couch, paſſ'd away the tedious hours of the night in the utmost Inquietude. The rufous Taper afforded a glimm'ring light, by which he contemplated the tender lines of Ovid; but alas! his Remedy of Love was no cure for our unhappy Lover's Anxiety! He closed the amorous volume, ſigh'd, and caſting his eyes around on the Books that adorned his room, broke forth in this pathetic Apoſtrophe.

O ye Spirits of Antiquity, who yet live in those sacred leaves! why do I make you confcious of my ſhame? Yet why should I depreciate the noble Paffion of Love, and call it Shame? your Heroes have felt it, your Poets and Orators have prais'd it. Were I enamour'd on some gaudy Virgin, did I doat on vulgar Perfection, the Lustre of an Eye, or the Rose of a Cheek; with reason might I blush before you, moſt learned Inquifitors into Nature! moſt reverend Pliny, Œlian, and Aldrovandus! Yet ſure you cannot diſapprove of this, which is

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 93

no wanton Paffion, but excited by ſo unparallel'd a Production; a flame, that may not only juſtify itſelf to the Severity of a Philosopher, but even to the Avarice of a Parent; ſince ſhe who cauſes it carries a moſt plenteſul Fortune in the sole Exhiſition of her perſon. Heavens! how I wonder at the Stupidity of mankind, who can affix the opprobrious Name of Monſtrosity to what is only Vicesty of Beauty, and a Profuſion of generous Nature? If there are charms in one face, one mouth, one body; if there are charms in two eyes, two breaſts, two arms; are they not all redoubled in the Object of my Paffion? What tho' ſhe be the common Gaze of the multitude, and is follow'd about by the ſtupid and ignorant; does ſhe not herein reſemble the greatest Princes, and the greatest Beauties? only with this difference, that her Admirers are more numerous, and more laſting.

Thus ſigh'd he away the melancholy Night; but no sooner had Aurora, with blushing in her cheeks (as confcious that ſhe was juſt rifes from the embraces of Tithon) advanc'd through the purple gates of the eaſt, but Martin roſe: He roſe indeed, but Melancholy, the companion of his slumbers, roſe and wak'd with him. This was the first day that he amuſed himself with the gaudy Ornaments of the body; that with ſecret pleasure he contemplated his Face, and the ſymmetry of his limbs in a looking-glafs. And now forſaking his ſolitary apartment,

94 The MEMOIRS of

he walked directly to the habitation that confin'd
the Object of his desires. But as it is obſerv'd that
the Curious never wander into the City, to indulge
their thirt of knowledge 'till about the hours of e-
leven or twelve; the Morning has ever been the
ſeafon of Repofe for all thofe Animals, who (tre-
pann'd by the frauds of Men) have been oblig'd to
change their Woods and Wilderneſſes for Lodgings
in Cities at the rate of four ſhillings a week. There-
fore Martin at this early hour was neither ſaluted
by the found of the Trumpet, nor were his eyes
ſeaſted as before with the pleafing picture of his
Miftrefs; but he walked to and fro before the door
with folded arms, from the hour of five to eleven,
humming in a low and melancholy tune.

The Trumpet no sooner founded, but his heart
leapt for joy, and a ſecond fix-pence gain'd him a
ſecond admittance into her apartment. Yet this
day alſo, he only own'd his Paſſion in the language
of his Eyes: But alas! this language is only under-
ſtood by thofe that love, and Lindamira remain'd
ſtill ignorant of his Paſſion.

In the mean time it was no ſmall cauſe of won-
der to Mr. Randal, that this Gentleman ſhould
come every day to behold the fame ſhow. He, no

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 95

whatſoever. What Torments muſt this occaſion in
the raging fever of Love? Martin had now recourse
to Stratagem, and by a Bribe (which often even the
Ermine and Scarlet Robe cannot refiſt) gain'd the
Dwarf who kept the gates of the Show-room, to
promote his Amour. He promis'd to convey a
Letter to Lindamira the fame Evening, if he would
bring it him when darkneſs favour'd his deſign, at
the apartment next the Monſters. Martin overjoy'd,
haſted home, and after having confulted all the Au-
thors that treat of Love, compoſed his Billet-doux,
and at the time appointed went to entruſt it to the
hands of his Confident. Softly he ſtole up ſtairs,
approach'd the door, and gave a gentle rap; when-
on a ſudden a ſmall hand was thruſt through a little
hole at the bottom of the door, whence iſſued an
unintelligible ſqueaking voice. Martin concluding
it to be the Signal, delivered his Epiftle, and made
his retreat unobſerv'd. He was no ſooner retir'd,
but Mr. Randal enter'd, and (as it was his uſual
cuſtom before he went to bed) took a view if all
were ſafe in the Show-room. At his coming in, he
ſaw his Monkey exceedingly busy in picking the
Seal-wax by little bits from a Letter, which he
turn'd over and over with infinite ſatisfaction. Mr.

98 The MEMOIRS of

were the first that enter'd with a light to his afflirt-
ance. Martin all bloody as he was, a moft fierce
Cat-a-mountain hanging at his chin (which Mr.
Randal had maliciously plac'd there on purpofe) at
the fight of Lindamira forgot his diffrefls. Ah, my
Love! (he cried) how like is thy fate to that of
Thisbe ! who staying but a moment too late, found
as she thought, her miſerable Lover torn in pieces
by a Savage beaſt! The affrighted Damſels ſhriek'd
aloud; Mr. Randal with all his Retinue rufh'd into
the room; and now every hand confpired to free his
under-jaw from the ſharp teeth of the enraged Mon-
fter. But the Lady, whose heart melted at the
piteous Spectacle, was so zealous in this office of
Humanity, that the Cat-a-mountain, provok'd at
her good-natur'd diligence, leap'd furiously on her,
and wounded three of her hands and her two noſes,

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 99

Such, and so modeſt was the firſt Declaration of
Love, made on this eminent occasion by our youth-
ful Philosopher. Nor was it ungently receiv'd by
the ſimple and innocent Lindamira; who, hitherto
unus'd to the ſoft Proteſtations of adoring Slaves,
had rather been wonder'd at than belov'd; and re-
ceived but imperfect notions of that tender lan-
guage, from the Addreffes only of the black Prince
or the Dwarf.

Martin, notwithstanding this unfortunate adven-
ture, ſtill purfued his wifhes. His Letters were now
no more intercepted. Lindamira read them, and
behav'd like other courteous dames when they re-
ceive thoſe amorous Teſtimonials; conceal'd them
from her Guardian, and return'd the moſt engaging
anſwers. In ſhort, ſhe was ſo far captivated as
to reſolve no longer to be gaz'd at like a publick-

100 The MEMOIRS of

had robb'd of the fight of her Lover. Yet ſhame
cauſed her to conceal thofe anxieties from her Sifter.
And let the Reader judge how unhappy the Nymph
muſt be, who was even depriv'd the univerſal Re-
lief of a Soliloquy. However, thus ſhe thought,
without being allow'd to tell it to any Grove or
purling Stream.

Wretched Indamora! if Lindamira muſt never
more ſee Martin, Martin ſhall never again bleſs the
eyes of Indamora. Yet why do I ſay wretched,
ſince my Rival can never poſſeſs my Lover with-
out me? The pangs that others feel in Absence,
from the thought of thofe Joys that bleſs their
Rivals, can never ſtling thy bosom; nor can they
mortify thee by making thee a Witneſs, without gi-
ving thee at the fame time a ſhare, of their En-
dearments. Change then thy proceeding, Inda-
mora; thy Jealouſy muſt act a new and unheard-of
part, and promote the intereſt of thy Rival, as the
only way to the enjoyment of thy Lover.

From that moment ſhe ſtudied by all methods to
advance her Sifter's Amour, and in that her own.
And thus there appeared in ſeſe three Lovers as
extraordinary a Conjuncſion of Paſſions as of Per-
ſons: Love had reconcileſd himſelf to his mortal foes,
to Philosophy in Martin, and to Jealouſy in Inda-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 101

agreed on, and the day appointed. Sunday was
the time, when Mr. Randal's Absence favour'd
their hopes, who never on that day omitted taking
the fresh air in the fields: The key of the door he
always took with him. Crambe was ready laid at
a convenient distance, who accommodated them
with a ladder of ropes. The ladder was thrown
up, and the Signal given at the window. Linda-
mira haſten'd to the Alarm of Love, when behold
a new Diſafter! As ſhe was getting out of the win-
dow, the weight of her body on one ſide, and
that of Indamora's on the other, unluckily cauſed
them to ſtick in the midway: Lindamira hung with
her coats ſtript up to the navel without, and Inda-
mora in no leſs immoderſt poſture within. The
Manteger, who for his gentlenefs was allowed to
walk at large in the houſe, was ſo heightened at
this fight, that he rufhed upon Indamora like a
barbarous Ravifher. Indamora cried aloud for
help. Martin flew to revenge this inſolent at-
tempt of a Rape on his wedding-day. The luſt-
ful Monſter, driven from our double Lucrece, ſled
into the middle of the room, purfued by the valo-
rous and indignant Martin. Three times the hot
Manteger, frighted at the furious menaces of his
Antagoniſt, made a circle round the chamber, and
three times, the ſwift-footed Martin, wouſed L.

102

The MEMOIRS of

and brandishing it over his head in airy circles,
hurled it against the hairy son of Hanniman; who
wrinkling his brown forehead, and gnashing his
teeth in indignation, stoop'd low: The horny Lance
juft ras'd his left shoulder, and fluck into the ta-
petry hangings. Provok'd at this, the grinning
Offspring of Hanniman caught up the pointed
Horn of an Antelope, and aim'd a blow against his
undifmay'd Adversary. Our heroic Lover, who
held his hat before him like a shield, receiv'd the
weapon full on the Crown; it pierc'd the beaver,
and gave a small rent to his breeches. Then the
human Champion flung with mighty violence the
hinder foot of an Elk, which hit the beftial Com-
batant full on the nether jaw. He reel'd, but soon
recovering, and his skill in war lying rather in the
close fight than in projectile weapons, he endea-
vour'd to close with him: Forthwith affailing him
behind unawares, he clamber'd up his back, and
pluck'd up by the roots a mighty grafp of hair —
but Martin soon dismounted him, and kept him at
a distance. Love not only inspired his breast with

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 103

bone mifs'd its aim; but the hand of the Sea-
Monster defcended directly on the head of the Syl-
van Ravifher. The Monster chatter'd horrible;
he stretch'd his quiv'ring limbs on the floor; and
eternal sleep lock'd faft his eyelids.

The lady from the window, like another Helen
from the Trojan wall, was witneſs of the Combat
caufed by her own beauty. She faw with what
gracefulneſs her Hero enter'd the Lifts, admir'd his
aſtivity and courage in the combat, and was a joy-
ful witneſs of his Triumph: She gave a ſpring from
the window, and with open arms and legs embra-
ced the neck and shoulders of her Champion. Our
Philofopher received her with his Face turn'd mo-
destly from her, and in that manner convey'd her
into the street. He call'd a Chair with all haſte,
but no chairman would take her; which obliged
him to bear his extraordinary burden till he found a
Coach, in which he carried her off, and was hap-
pily united to her that very evening, by a Reve-
rend Clergyman in the Fleet, in the holy Bands of
Matrimony.

104 The MEMOIRS of

## CHAP. XV.

Of the strange and never to be parallel'd Pro-
cess at Law upon the Marriage of Scrible-
rus, and the Pleadings of the Advocates.

BUT Nemefis, who delights in traversing the beſt-laid deſigns of Cupid, maliciously con-trived the means to make theſe three Lovers un-happy. No sooner had the Maſter of the Show re-ceived notice of their flight, but he ſeiz'd on the Bohemian Ladies by a Warrant; and not content with having recover'd the Poffeſſion of them, re-folved to open all the Sluices of the Law upon Martin. So he inſantly went to Counſel to adviſe upon all poſſible methods of revenge.

The firſt point he proceeded on was the *Property* of his Monſter, and the queſtion propounded was, (1) " Whether Slaves could marry without the " consent of their Maſter?" To this he was an-ſwer'd in the Affirmative, but told at the ſame time, " That (2) the Marriage did not exempt " them from Servitude."

1 An *Servi poſſint, invitis Dominis, Matrimonium* contrahere?

2 An *Servus Matrimonio eximitur a Domini obsequio?*

## MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 105

This put him in no ſmall hopes of having Mar-
tin added to his *Show*, and acquiring a property in
his *Bodily iffue* by the Ladies. But his joy was ſoon
daſſu'd, when he was informed, that, ſince Martin
was a Free Man, (3) " The Children muſt follow
" the condition of the Father: or, that indeed, if
" they were to follow that of their Mother, the Cafe
" would be the fame, there being no ſlavery in
" England." Then his Counſel judg'd it more
adviseable to plead for a *Diffolution* of the *Mar-
riage*, upon the impoſsibility of Conjugal dues in
the Wife. But then the *Canon Law* allow'd a *Tri-
ennial Cohabitation*, which entirely ruined this
Project alſo. Befides it was evident by the fame
Law, that " Monſtrosity could not incapacitate
" from Marriage," witneſs the Cafe of Herma-
phrodites, who are allow'd " *Facultatem Conjugii*,
" provided they *make Election* before the *Pariſ*
" *Prieſt*, in *what ſex* they will act, and take an
" Oath never to perform in the other Capa-
" city." (1)

It was next confulted whether Martin ſhould not
be permitted to take away his Wife? ſince, upon
his ſo doing, " he might be ſued for a *Rape* upon
" the body of her *Sifter*, there being plainly the

3 *An Liberi sequuntur Conditionem Patris, an Matris?*

1 Sanchez, Holtienſ. Sylveſt.

106 The MEMOIRS of

"four conditions of a (2) Rape." But then again they confider'd, that Martin might anfwer, he claim'd nothing but his own; and if another per- son had fix'd herself to his Wife, he muft not for that caufe be debarr'd the ufe of his Property.

Yet ſtill, upon the fame head of Martin's poſſeing his ſpouse, a Suit might be devis'd in the name of Lindamira, on this account; (3) That a "Wife was not obliged to live with a Concubine, "and such her Sifter Indamora muſt be accounted "to Martin from the common (4) Proofs." To this too it was replied, that the Law order'd the Wife to refide with the Hufband if there were ſuſſicient ſecurity given to expel the Concubine. So Martin might ſay he was ready to accompliſh his part of the Covenant, if his wife would perform hers, and conſent to the (5) Incifion. But this being an impoſſibility on the ſide of the Wife, it could no way be exacted of the Hufband.

At length Mr. Randal, being vex'd to the heart, to have been ſo long and ſo quaintly diſappointed, determin'd to commence a Suit againſt Martin for

2 *Violentia, Cauſa Libidinis, Traductio ad Lo-cum, Mulier honesta.*

3 *Uxor non tenetur vivere cum viro Concubinam* tenente.

4 *Tactus, amplexus, cohabitatio.*

5 *An Uxor tenetur Incifionem pati? Sanchez de* Matrimonio.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 107

*Bigamy and Inceſt.* Mean while he left no Artifice or Addrefs untried to perplex the unhappy Philoso-pher: He even contriv'd with infinite cunning, to alienate Indamora's affections from him; and de-bauch'd her into an intrigue with a Creature of his own, the black Prince; whom he secretly caus'd to marry her, while her Sifter was *aſleep*.

Hereupon Martin was reduc'd to turn Plaintiff, and commenc'd a Suit in the *Spiritual Court* against the black Prince, for Cohabitation with his ſaid wife. He was advifed to infiſt upon a new Point, (viz.) "That Lindamira and Indamora *together* "made up but *one* lawful wife."

The Monster-maſter, further to diſrefs Martin, forc'd Lindamira to petition for Aliment, *lite pen-dente*: which was no ſooner allow'd her by the Court, but he obliged her to alledge, that "it "was not ſufficient to maintain both herself and "her Sifter; and if her Sifter perſh'd, ſhe could "not live with the dead body about her."

Martin now began to repent that he had not executed a reſolution he formerly conceived, of marrying Crambe to Indamora, as an Expedient to have made all ſecure. Moreover, it was inſiſted on, that the other alſo had a right to *Aliment*, "because, if Martin's Wife ſhould prove with "child, the ſaid Sifter muſt neceſſarily perform "the Offices of a wife, in contributing to the "Nutrition and Geſtation of the ſaid child." A

108 *The MEMOIRS of*

Jury of Physicians being impanel'd, declar'd, that
as to Nutrition they were doubtful, whether any
blood of Lindamira circulated through Indamora:
But as to Gestation, it was evidently true. And
upon this, Martin was order'd to allow Aliment to
both, the Black Prince appearing insolvent.

Then the Court proceeded to the Trial. And as
both the Cauſe and the Pleadings are of an extra-
ordinary Nature, we think fit here to infert them
at length.

Dr. Penny-feather thus pleaded for Martinus
Scriblerus the Plaintiff.

Dr. PENNY-FEATHER.

" I appear before your Honour in behalf of Martinus Scriblerus, Batchelor of Phyſick, in a Complaint againſt Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw, commonly call'd the black Prince of Monomotapa; Inaſmuch as the faſd Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw, hath maliciouſly, forcibly, and unlawfully ſeiz'd, ravilſh'd, and detain'd Lindamira-Indamora, the wife of the ſaid Martin, and the body of the ſaid Lindamira-Indamora, from time to time ever ſince, hath wickedly, leudly, and indecently us'd, handled, and evil entreated. And in order to make this his Villany more laſting, hath preſum'd to marry this Our Wife, pretend-ing to give his wickedneſs the Sanctión of a

2

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 109

" Law. And foraſmuch as the Adulterer doth
" not deny the fact, but infiſts upon his ſaid Mar-
" riage as lawful, we cannot open the Cafe more
" plainly to your Honour, than by anſwering his
" Reaſons, which indeed, to mention, is to con-
" fute.

" He maintains no leſs an abſurdity than this,
" that One is Two; and that Lindamira-Indamora,
" the individual wife of the Plaintiff, is not one,
" but two Perſons: And that the ſaid Ebn-Hai-
" Paw-Waw is not marry'd to Lindamira, the
" wife of the ſaid Martin, but to his own lawful
" wife Indamora, another individual Perſon diſtin-
" from the ſaid Lindamira, tho' join'd to her by
" a strong Ligament of Nature.

In anſwer whereunto, we ſhall prove three
things: " First, That the ſaid Lindamira-Indamora,
" now our lawful wife, makes but one individual
" Perſon.

" Secondly, That if they made two individual
" perſons, yet they conſtitute but one wife,
" Thirdly, That ſuppoſing they made two indi-
" vidual perſons, and two wives, each lawfully
" married to her own huſband, yet Prince Ebn-
" Hai-Paw-Waw hath no right to detain Linda-
" mira our lawfully wedded wife, on pretence of
" being married to Indamora."

" As to the firſt point: It will be neceſſary to
" determine the conſtituent Principle and Eſſence

## II0 The MEMOIRS of

“ of Individuality, which, in respect to mankind,
“ we take to be one simple identical soul, in one
“ simple identical body. The individuality,
“ famenefs, or identity of the body, is not de-
“ termin'd (as some vainly imagine) by one head,
“ and a certain number of arms, legs, and other
“ members; but in one simple, single *aevdotov*, or
“ member of Generation.

“ Let us search Profane History, and we shall
“ find Geryon with three heads, and Briareus with
“ an hundred hands. Let us search Sacred Hi-
“ flory, and we meet with one of the sons of the
“ Giants with fix Fingers to each Hand, and fix
“ Toes to each Foot; yet none ever accounted Ge-
“ ryon or Briareus more than one Person: and
“ give us leave to say, the wife of the said Ge-
“ ryon would have had a good Action against any
“ women who should have espous'd themselves to the
“ two other heads of that Monarch. The Rea-
“ fon is plain; becaufe each of these having but
“ one simple *aevdotov*, or one Member of Generation,
“ could be look'd upon as but one single person.

“ In conformity to this, when we behold this one
“ member, we distinguish the Sex, and pronounce
“ it a Man, or a Woman; or, as the Latins ex-
“ prefs it, unus Vir, una Mulier; un Homme, une
“ Femme; One Man, One Woman. For the fame
“ Reason Man and Wife are said to be one Flesh,
“ becaufe united in that part which conſtitutes

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. III

“ the Samenefs and Individuality of each sex.

“ And as where there is but one Member of
“ Generation, there is but one body, so there can
“ be but one Soul; becaufe the said organ of Ge-
“ neration is the Seat of the Soul; and conſequ-
“ ly, where there is but one such Organ, there
“ can be but one Soul. Let me here say, without
“ Injury to truth, that no Philosopher, either of
“ the past or preſent age, hath taken more pains
“ to discover where the Soul keeps her reſidence,
“ than the Plaintiff, the learned Martinus Scrib-
“ lerus: And after his moſt diligent enquiries and
“ experiments, he hath been verily perſuaded,
“ that the Organ of Generation is the true and
“ only Seat of the Soul. That this part is ſeated
“ in the middle, and near the Centre of the whole
“ body, is obvious to your Honour's view.
“ From thence, like the Sun in the Centre of the
“ world, the Soul diſpenſes her warmth and vital
“ influence: Let the Brain glory in the Wifdom of
“ the aged, the Science of the learned, the Policy
“ of the ſtateſman, and the Invention of the witty;
“ the accidental Amuſements and Emanations of
“ the Soul, and mortal as the Poſſeſors of them!
“ It is to the Organs of Generation that we owe
“ Man himself; there the Soul is employed in
“ works ſuitable to the Dignity of her Nature,
“ and (as we may ſay) fits brooding over ages yet
“ unborn.

112 The MEMOIRS of

" We need not tell your Honour, that it has
" been the opinion of many most learned Divines
" and Philosophers, that the Soul, as well as Body,
" is produced ex traduce. This doctrine has been
" defended by arguments irrefrangible, and ac-
" counts for difficulties, without it, inexplicable.
" All which arguments conclude with equal
" strength, for the Soul's being feated in the Or-
" gans of Generation. For since the whole man,
" both Soul and body, is there form'd, and since
" nothing can operate but where it is, it follows,
" that the Soul must reſide in that individual place,
" where she exerts her generative and plaſtic
" Powers.

" This our Doctrine is confirm'd by all thofe
" Experiments, which confpire to prove the abſo-
" folute Dominion which that part hath over the
" whole body. We fee how many Women, who
" are deaf to the perſuafions of the Eloquent, the
" inſuuations of the Crafty, and the threats of the
" Imperious, are easily governed by ſome poor
" Logger-head, unfurniſh'd with the leaſt art,
" but that of making immediate application to this
" Seat of the Soul. The impreſſions made by the
" Ear are ſo diſtant, and transmitted thro' ſo many
" windings, that they lobe their Energy: But your
" Honour, by immediately applying to the Or-
" gan of Generation, acts like a bold and wife
" Petitioner, who goes ſtrait to the very THRONE

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 113

" and *Judgment-Seat* of the Monarch.

" And whereas it is objected that here are two
" Wills, and therefore two different Persons; we
" anſwer, if multiplicity of Wills implied multi-
" plicity of Persons, there are few Hufbands but
" what are guilty of Polygamy, there being in the
" fame Woman great and notorious diversity of
" Wills: A Point which we ſhall not need to in-
" ſift upon before any married perſon, much leſs
" of your Honour's Experience.

" Thus we have made good our firſt and prin-
" cipal Point; That if the wife of the Plaintiff,
" Lindamira-Indamora, hath but one Organ of
" Generation, ſhe is but one individual Person, in
" the trueſt and moſt proper ſenſe of Individua-
" lity. And that the matter of Faſt is ſo, we are
" willing to put upon a fair Trial by a Jury of Ma-
" trons, whom your Honour ſhall think fit to nomi-
" nate and appoint, to inſpect the body of the ſaid
" Lindamira-Indamora.

" Secondly, We are to prove, that though Lin-
" damira Indamora were two individual Perſons,
" confiſting each of a Soul and Body, yet, if they
" have but one Organ of Generation, they can
" conſtitute but one wife. For, from whence can
" the Unity of any thing be denominated, but
" from that which conſtitutes the Eſſence or principal
" Uſe of it? Thus, if a knife or hatchet have but
" one blade, though two handles, it will properly

H

114 *The MEMOIRS of*

“ be denominated but one knife, or one hatchet;
“ inasmuch as it hath but one of that which con-
“ fitutes the Eſtence or principal Uſe of a knife
“ or hatchet. So if there were not only one,
“ but twenty *Suppofita Rationalia* with one com-
“ mon Organ of Generation, that one System
“ would only make one Wife. Upon the whole,
“ let not a few Heads, Legs, or Arms extraordi-
“ nary, biaſs your Honour’s Judgment, and de-
“ prive the Plaintiff of his legal Property: In
“ which right our Client is ſo ſtrongly fortified,
“ that allowing both the former Propofitions to be
“ ſalſe, and that there were two Perſons, two Bo-
“ dies, two Rational Souls, yea, and two Organs
“ of Generation, yet would it ſtill be plain in the
“ third place,

“ That the Defendant, Prince Ebn-Hai-Paw-
“ Waw, can have no Right to detain from the
“ Plaintiff his lawfully wedded Wife, Linda-
“ mira. For, abſtracting from the Priority of
“ the marriage of our Client, by which it
“ would ſeem he acquir'd a property in his Wife
“ and all other Matter inſeparably annex'd unto
“ her, it is evident Prince Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw,
“ by his marriage to Indamora, could never ac-
“ quire any Property in Lindamira; nor can pro-
“ duce any Caufe why both of them ſhould live
“ with himſelf, rather than with the other?
“ Therefore, we humbly hope your Honour will

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 115

“ order the body of Our faid Wife to be reſtor'd
“ to us, and due Cenſure paſt on the faid Ebn-
“ Hai-Paw-Waw.

Dr. Pennyfeather having thus ended his Pleading
was thus anſwer'd by

Dr. LEATHERHEAD.

“ I will not trouble your Honour with any un-
“ neceſsary Preamble, or ſalſe Colours of Elo-
“ quence, which Truth hath no need of, and
“ which would prove too thin a Veil for Falſhood
“ before the penetrating eyes of your Honour. In
“ anſwer therefore to what our learned brother,
“ Dr. Pennyfeather, hath aſſerted, we ſhall labour
“ to demonſtrate,

“ First, That though there were but one Organ
“ of Generation, yet are there two diſtinct perſons.

“ Secondly, That although there were but one
“ Organ of Generation, ſo far would it be from
“ giving the Plaintiff any right to the body of In-
“ damora, the wife of Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw, that
“ it will ſubject the Plaintiff to the penalty of In-
“ ceſt, or of Bigamy.

“ Thirdly, We doubt not to prove that the ſaid
“ Lindamira-Indamora hath two diſtinct parts of
“ Generation.

H 2

116 The MEMOIRS of

" And, First, we will then, That neither the individual Essence of mankind, nor the Seat of the Soul, doth refide in the Organ of Generation; and this first from Reason. For unreasonable indeed it be, to make that the Seat of the Rational Soul, which alone sets us on a level with beafts; or to conceive, that the Essence of Unity and Individuality should confest in that which is the Source of Discord and Division. In a word, what can be a greater absurdity, than to affirm Bestiality to be the Essence of Humanity, Dark-nefs the Centre of Light, and Filthinefs the Seat of Purity?

" We could, from the authority of the most eminent Philosophers of all ages, confirm this our Affertion; few of whom ever had the impudence to degrade this Queen, the Rational Soul, to the very lowest and vilest Apartment, or rather Sink of her whole Palace. But we shall produce still a greater Authority than these, to manifest that personal Individuality did subsift, when there was no such generative Carnality.

" It hath been strenuously maintained by many holy Divines (and particularly by Thomas Aquinas) that our first Parents, in the state of Innocence, did in no wise propagate their species after the present common manner of men and beafts; but that the propagation at that time must have

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 117

" been by Intuition, Coalition of Ideas, or some pure and spiritual manner, suitable to the dignity of their station. And though the Sexes were distinct in that state, yet it is plain it was not by parts, such as we have at present; since, if our First Parents had any such, they must have known it; and it is written, that they separate them not till after the Fall; when it is probable those parts were the immediate Excretion of Sin, and only grew forth to render them fitter companions for those Beasts among which they were driven.

" It is a Maxim in Philosophy, that generation unius eſt corruptio alterius; whence it is apparent that the Paradisaical Generation was of a different nature from ours, free from all Corruption and Imbecillity. This is farther corroborated by the Authority of those Doctors of the Church who have afferted, that before the Fall, Adam was endow'd with a continual uninterrupted Faculty of Generation; which can be explained of no other than of that Intuitive Generation above said: Since it is well known to all, the least skill'd in Anatomy, that the present (male) part of Generation is utterly incapable of this continual Faculty.

" We come now to our second point, wherein the Advocate for the Plaintiff afferteth, that if

H 3

118 The MEMOIRS of

" there were two persons, and one Organ of Generation, this System would constitute but one "
" Wife. This will put the Plaintiff still in a worse "
" condition, and render him plainly guilty of Bigamy, Rape, or Inceft. For if there be but one "
" such Organ of Generation, then both the persons of Lindamira and Indamora have an equal "
" property in it; and what is Indamora's property "
" cannot be disposed of without her consent. We "
" therefore bring the whole to this short iffue; "
" Whether the Plaintiff Martinus Scriblerus had the "
" Confent of Indamora, or not? If he hath had her "
" consent, he is guilty of Bigamy; if not, he is "
" guilty of a Rape, or Inceft, or both. "

" The Defendant, Prince Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw, "
" having been lately baptiz'd, hath with singular "
" modelly abstain'd from Confummation with his "
" said Wife, until he shall be satisfied from the o- "
" pinion of your Honour, his learned Judge, how "
" far in Law and Conscience he may proceed; and "
" therefore he cannot affirm much, nor politively, "
" as to the structure of the Organ of Generation of "
" this his wife Indamora. Yet make we no doubt, "
" that it will upon inspection appear, that the said "
" Organ is distinct from that of Lindamira: Where- "
" upon we crave to hear the Report of the Jury of "
" Matrons, appointed to inspect the body of the said "
" gentlewoman.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 119

" And if the Matter of Fact be thus, give me "
" your Honour's permission to repeat what hath "
" been said by the Advocate for the Plaintiff; to "
" wit, that Martinus Scriblerus, Batchelor in Phy- "
" fick, by this his Marriage with Lindamira, could "
" in no wife acquire any property in the body of "
" Indamora, nor shew any Cause why this dupli- "
" cated Wife Lindamira-Indamora, should abide "
" with him, rather than with the Defendant, Prince "
" Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw of Monomotapa.

The Jury of Matrons having made their Report,
and it appearing from thence that the Parts of Ge-
neration in Lindamira and Indamora were distinct,
the Judge took time to deliberate, and the next
Court-day he spoke to this effect.

GENTLEMEN,

" I am of opinion that Lindamira and Indamora "
" are distinct persons, and that both the Marriages "
" are good and valid: Therefore I order you, Mar- "
" tinus Scriblerus, Batchelor in Phyfick, and you, "
" Ebn-Hai-Paw-Waw, Prince of Monomotapa, to "
" cohabit with your wives, and to lie in bed each "
" on the side of his own wife. I hope, Gentle- "
" men, you will seriously confider, that you are "
" under a stricter Tye than common Brothers-in- "
" law; that being, as it were, joint Proprietors of

H 4

120

The MEMOIRS of

" one common Tenement, you will do behave as
" good fellow lodgers ought to do, and with great
" modefty each to his respective fitter-in-law, ab-
" staining from all farther Familiarities than what
" Conjugal Duties do naturally oblige you to.
" Confider alfo by how small Limits the Duty and
" the Trefpafs is divided, left, while ye diſcharge
" the duty of Matrimony, ye heedleſtly slide into
" the fin of Adultery.

This Sentence pleas'd neither Party; and Martin
appeal'd from the Confiftory to the Court of Arches,
but they confirm'd the Sentence of the Confiftory.

It was at laft brought before a Commission of De-
legates; who, having weigh'd the Cafe, revers'd
the Sentence of the inferior Courts, and diſannull'd
the marriage, upon the following Reaſons; " That
" allowing the manner of Cohabitation enjoin'd to
" be practicable (though highly inconvenient) yet
" the Jus petendi & reddendi Debitum conjugale be-
" ing at all times equal in both hufbands and both
" wives, and at the fame time impoffible in more
" than one; two perſons could not have a Right
" to the entire poſſession of the fame thing, at the
" fame time; nor could one ſo enjoy his property,
" as to debar another from the uſe of his, who has
" an equal right. So much as to the Debitum pe-
" tendi; and as to the Debitum reddendi, nemo tene-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 121

" tur ad impoffible. " Therefore the Lords, with
great Wifdom, diſſolv'd both Marriages, as pro-
ceeding upon a natural, as well as legal Abſurdity.

CHAP. XVI.

T
HIS affair being thus unhappily terminated,
and become the whole Talk of the Town;
Martinus, unable to ſupport the Afſiſtion, as well
as to avoid the many diſagreeable Conſequences, re-
ſolv'd to quit the Kingdom.

But we muſt not here neglect to mention, that
during the whole Courſe of this Proceſs, his conti-
nual Attendance on the Courts in his own Caufe,
and his invincible Curioſity for all that paſt in the
Caufes of others, gave him a wonderful infight in-
to this Branch of Learning, which muſt be confes'd
to have been ſo improved by the Moderns, as be-
yond all comparifon to exceed the Ancients. From
the day his firſt Bill was filed, he began to collect
Reports; and before his Suit was ended, he had
time abundantly ſufficient to compile a very confi-

122 The MEMOIRS of

derable Volume. His Anger at his ill successs caus'd
him to destroy the greatest part of these Reports;
and only to preserve such, as discover'd moft of the
Chicanery and Futility of the practice. These we
have fome hopes to recover, if they were only mif-
laid at his Removal; if not, the world will be e-
nough inſtructed to lament the loſs, by the only
one now publick, viz. The Cafe of Stradling and
Stiles, in an Action concerning certain black and
white Horſes.

We cannot wonder that he contrasted a violent
Aversion to the Law, as is evident from a whole
Chapter of his Travels. And perhaps his Difap-
pointment gave him also a Dif-inclination to the
Fair Sex, for whom on fome occasions he does not
exprefs all the Respect and Admiration poffible.
This doubtlesſs muſt be the Reafon, that in no part
of his Travels we find him belov'd by any ſtrange
Princeſs; nor have we the leaſt account that he e-
yer relaps'd into this Paſſion, except what is men-
tion'd in the Introduction, of the Spanish Lady's
Phænomenon.

It was in the year 1699 that Martin ſet out on
his Travels. Thou wilt certainly be very curious
to know what they were? It is not yet time to in-
form thee, But what hints I am at liberty to give,
I will.

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 123

Thou fhalt know then, that in his firſt Voyage
he was carried by a profperous Storm, to a Dif-
covery of the Remains of the ancient Pygmæan
Empire.

That in his ſecond, he was as happily ſhipwreck'd
on the Land of the Giants, now the moſt humane
people in the world.

That in his third Voyage, he discover'd a whole
Kingdom of Philosophers, who govern by the Ma-
thematicks; with whole admirable Schemes and Pro-
jects he return'd to benefit his own dear Country,
but had the misfortune to find them rejected by the
envious Minifers of Queen Anne, and himſelf ſent
treacherouſly away.

And hence it is, that in his fourth Voyage he dif-
covers a Vein of Melancholy proceeding almost to
a Difguſt of his Species; but above all, a mortal
Deteftation to the whole flagitious Race of Mini-
ſters, and a final Refolution not to give in any Me-
morial to the Secretary of State, in order to ſubject
the Lands he discover'd to the Crown of Great
Britain.

Now if, by these hints, the Reader can help
himſelf to a farther discovery of the Nature and Con-
tents of these Travels, he is welcome to as much
light as they afford him; I am oblig'd by all the
tyes of honour not to ſpeak more openly.

124 *The MEMOIRS of*

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 125

## CHAP. XVII.

AND here it seems but natural to lament the unfortunate End of the Amour of our Philosopher. But the Hiftorian of these Memoirs on the contrary cries out, “Happy, thrice happy day! “which diffolved the Marriage of the great Scriblerus! let it be celebrated in every language, “learned and unlearned! let the Latin, the Greek, “the Arabian, the Coptic, let all the Tongues of “many-languag'd men, nay of Animals, be employed to refound it! fince to this we owe such “immenſe discoveries, not only of Oceans, Continents, Islands, with all their Inhabitants, minute, gigantick, mortal and immortal, but thofe “yet more enlarged and aſtoniſhing Views, of “worlds philofophical, phyſical, moral, intelligible and unintelligible!”

Here therefore, at this great Period, we end our first Book. And here, O Reader, we entreat thee utterly to forget all thou haſt hitherto read, and to cast thy eyes only forward, to that boundleſs Field the next shall open unto thee; the fruits of which

But if any man ſhall ever ſee ſuch very extraordinary Voyages, into ſuch very extraordinary Na-tions, which manifeſt the moſt diſtinguifhing marks of a Philofopher, a Politician, and a Legiſlator, and can imagine them to belong to a *Surgeon of a Ship*, or a *Captain of a Merchant-man*, let him remain in his Ignorance.

And whoever he be, that ſhall farther obſerve, in every page of ſuch a book, that cordial Love of Mankind, that inviolable Regard to Truth, that Paffion for his dear Country, and that particular attachment to the excellent Princes ſ Queen Anne; ſurely that man deſerves to be pitied, if by all thofe viſible Signs and Characters, he cannot diſtinguish and acknowledge the Great Scriblerus.

126 The MEMOIRS of

(if thine, or our fins do not prevent) are to spread
and multiply over this our work, and over all the
face of the Earth.

In the mean time, know what thou oweſt, and
what thou yet may'ſt owe, to this excellent Person,
this Prodigy of our Age; who may well be called
The Philosopher of Ultimate Cauſes, ſince by aaga-
city peculiar to himself, he hath diſcover'd Eſſeſs
in their very Cauſe; and without the trivial helps
of Experiments, or Observations, hath been the
Inventor of moſt of the modern Systems and Hy-
pothefes.

He hath enrich'd Mathematics with many pre-
cise and Geometrical Quadratures of the Circle.
He firſt discover'd the Cauſe of Gravity, and the
inteſtine Motion of Fluids.

To him we owe all the obſervations on the Pa-
rallax of the Pole-Star, and all the new Theories
of the Deluge.

He it was, that firſt taught the right uſe ſome-
times of the Fuga Vacui, and ſometimes of the Ma-
teria Subtilis, in resolving the grand Phænomena of
Nature.

He it was, that firſt found out the Palpability of
Colours; and by the delicacy of his Touch, could
distinguish the different Vibrations of the heteroge-
neous Rays of Light.

His were the Projects of Perpetuum Mobiles, Fly-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 127

ing Engines, and Pacing Saddles; the Method of
discovering the Longitude by Bomb-Veffels, and of
increasing the Trade-Wind by vaſt plantations of
Reeds and Sedges.

I ſhall mention only a few of his Philosophical
and Mathematical Works.

1. A complete Digeft of the Laws of Nature,
with a Review of thofe that are obſolute or repeal-
ed, and of thofe that are ready to be renew'd and
put in force.

2. A Mechanical Explication of the Formation
of the Universe, according to the Epicurean Hy-
pothefis.

3. An Inveſtigation of the Quantity of real Mat-
ter in the Universe, with the proportion of the ſpe-
cific Gravity of ſolid Matter to that of fluid.

4. Microſcopical Obſervations of the Figure and
Bulk of the conſtituent Parts of all fluids. A Cal-
culation of the proportion in which the Fluids of
the earth decreaſe, and of the period in which they
will be totally exhaufted.

5. A Computation of the Duration of the Sun,
and how long it will laſt before it be burn'd out.

6. A Method to apply the Force arifing from the
immense Velocity of Light to mechanical purpofes.

7. An anſwer to the queſtion of a curious Gen-
tleman; How long a New Star was lighted up be-

128 The MEMOIRS of

fore its appearance to the Inhabitants of our earth ?
To which is subjoin'd a Calculation, how much the
Inhabitants of the Moon eat for Supper, confidering
that they pafs a Night equal to fifteen of our natu-
ral days.

8. A Demonstration of the natural Dominion of the Inhabitants of the Earth over thofe of the Moon, if ever an intercourse should be open'd between them. With a Propofal of a *Partition-Treaty*, among the earthly Potentates, in cafe of fuch difcovery.

9. Tide-Tables, for a Comet, that is to approximate towards the Earth.

10. The Number of the Inhabitants of London
determin'd by the Reports of the Gold-finders, and
the Tonnage of their Carriages; with allowance for
the extraordinary quantity of the *Ingeſta* and *Egeſta*
of the people of England, and a deduction of what
is left under dead walls, and dry ditches.

It will from hence be evident, how much all his
Studies were directed to the universal Benefit of Man-
kind. Numerous have been his Projects to this end,
of which *Two* alone will be sufficient to show the
amazing Grandeur of his Genius. The firſt was a
Propofal, by a general contribution of all Princes,
to pierce the firſt cruſt or *Nucleus* of this our Earth,
quite through, to the next concentrical Sphere :

3

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 129

The advantage he propos'd from it was, to find the
*Parallax* of the *Fixt Stars*; but chiefly to refute
Sir Isaac Newton's Theory of *Gravity*, and Mr.
Halley's of the *Variations*. The fecond was, to
build *Two Poles* to the *Meridian*, with immenſe
Light-houſes on the top of them; to ſupply the de-
ſeet of Nature, and to make the Longitude as eafy
to be calculated as the Latitude. Both theſe he could
not but think very practicable, by the Power of all
the Potentates of the World.

May we preſume after theſe to mention, how he
defended from the sublme to the beneficial parts
of Knowledge, and particularly his extraordinary
practic of Phyſick. From the Age, Complexion,
or Weight of the perſon given, he contrived to pre-
ſcribe at a diſtance, as well as at a Patient's bed-
fide. He taught the way to many modern Phyſi-
cians to cure their Patients by Intuition, and to o-
thers to cure *without looking on them at all*. He
projected a Menſtruum to diſſolve the Stone, made
of Dr. Woodward's *Universal Deluge-water*. His
also was the device to relieve Confumptive or Aſth-
matick perſons, by bringing freeh Air out of the
Country to Town, by pipes of the nature of the
Recipients of Air-pumps; and to introduce the
native Air of a man's country into any other in
which he ſhould travel, with a feafonable Intro-
miffion of ſuch Steams as were moſt familiar to

I

130 The MEMOIRS of

him; to the inexpresſible comfort of many Scotch-
men, Laplanders, and white Bears.

In *Physiognomy*, his penetration is ſuch, that, from
the Picture only of any perſon, he can write his
Life; and, from the features of the Parents, draw the
Portrait of any Child that is to be born.

Nor hath he been ſo enrapt in theſe Studies as
to neglect the Polite Arts of Painting, Architecture,
Muſick, Poetry, &c. It was he that gave the firſt
hint to our modern Painters, to improve the Like-
neſs of their Portraits by the uſe of ſuch Colours as
would faithfully and conſtantly accompany the Life,
not only in its preſent ſtate, but in all its altera-
tions, decays, age, and death itself.

In *Architecture*, he builds not with ſo much re-
gard to preſent ſymmetry or conveniency, as with a
Thought well worthy a true lover of Antiquity, to
wit, the noble effect the Building will have to poſte-
rity, when it ſhall fall and become a Ruin.

As to *Muſic*, I think Heidegger has not the face
to deny that he has been much beholden to his
Scores.

In *Poetry*, he hath appear'd under a hundred
different names, of which we may one day give a
Catalogue.

In *Politicks*, his Writings are of a peculiar Caſt,
for the moſt part Ironical, and the Drift of them
often ſo delicate and refin'd as to be miſtaken by
the vulgar. He once went ſo far as to write a Per-

MARTINUS SCRIBLERUS. 131

ſuaſive to people to eat their own Children, which
was ſo little underſood as to be taken in ill part.
He has often written againſt Liberty in the name of
*Freeman* and *Algernoon Sydney*, in vindication of the
Meaſures of *Spain* under that of *Raleigh*, and in
praise of *Corruption* under thofe of *Cato*, and *Pub-
licola*.

It is true that, at his laſt departure from England,
in the Reign of Queen Anne, apprehending left any
of theſe might be perverted to the Scandal of the
weak, or Encouragement of the flagitious, he caſt
them all, without mercy, into a Bog-house near
St. James's. Some however have been with great
diligence recover'd, and ſih'd up with a hook and
line by the Minifterial Writers, which make at
prefent the great Ornaments of their works.

Whatever he judg'd beneficial to Mankind, he
conſtantly communicated (not only during his ſtay
among us, but ever ſince his absence) by ſome me-
thod or other in which Oſtentation had no part.
With what incredible Modeſtly he conceal'd him-
ſelf, is known to numbers of thofe to whom he ad-
dreſs'd ſometimes Epiftles, ſometimes Hints, ſome-
times whole Treatiſes, Adviſes to Friends, Projects
to Firſt Minifters, Letters to Members of Parlia-
ment, Accounts to the Royal Society, and innu-
merable others.

All theſe will be vindicated to the true Author,
in the Courſe of theſe Memoirs. I may venture to

YALE IWL

132 *The MEMOIRS of, &c.*

say they cannot be unacceptable to any, but to
those, who will appear too much concern'd as Pla-
giaries, to be admitted as Judges. Wherefore we
warn the publick, to take particular notice of all
such as manifeft any indecent Paffion at the appear-
ance of this Work, as Persons moft certainly in-
volved in the Guilt.

F I N I S.

PIECES of Scriblerus (written in his Youth)
already published.

An Essay on the Origin of
Sciences, written from the
Deferts of Nubia.

Περὶ ΒΑΘΟΥΣ: Martinus
Scriblerus his Rhetoric, or,
Of the Art of Sinking in
Poetry.

VIRGILIUS RESTAURATUS :
Seu Martini Scribleri, fum-
mi Critici, Caſtigationum
in Æneidem Specimen.

Annus Mirabilis, or The won-
derful Effects of the Con-
junction of Jupiter, Mars,
and Saturn.

The Report of a Cafe in an
Action at Law concern-
ing certain Pyed, or Black
and White Horles.

Notes and Prolegomena to
the Dunciad.

Bentley's Milton.

Others not yet published, mentioned in the Memoirs.

The Cafe of Queen Eſtber,
with the whole Proceſs of
her Purification.

An Account of the wonderful
Difcovery of divers Difeaſes
by Setting-Dogs, with a
Lift of those Gentlemen

and Ladies at whom they
fett.

A Propofal humbly offer'd to
both Houſes of Parliament,
for a General Flux.

Scriblerus's REPORTS of cer-
tain extraordinary Cafes in
Law.