Bobby dearest;

Bobby dearest;
I'm wondering how the show is coming- are you going
to have it soon- and how much have you aquired? It was
such a joy, when your notes were coming along every week or two
I wish you'd have an art auction once a year from now on!
Feather is going about with her arm in a fancy
cast- her Father took her to Uolo to visit old friends and do a lot
of riding-the children there all ride bareback, so of course F.
did too, and off she came! But went right back on, and-once the
cast was on, she continued riding every day. Mrs Withers took an
piece of I dian pottery and copied the design on the cast, in terra
cotta, black and brown, and its the handsomest cast you ever saw.
There is good news too- a few weeks ago, RM, of her own accord, went
into a private san- she felt it was either that or the overdose, as
she could not longer endure the condition, herself, or the
implications. It was told me only the next day, and a few days
later I went to visit her, and was terribly touched; I waited
almost an hour to see her, as she was 'helping' a new patient,
and being so tender and patient with her. She is now back home-
having taken the antituse cure, as well as all the vitimens, insulin
to be able to eat-and the psychological angle as well. She is also
going to A A- which she had constantly resisted- though it seemed
so odd to me that she, as well as many others, resist A A because
they say they are not 'religious'. A A asks no more than that you
acknowledge a power higher than yourself, no matter what name you
give it- and as man has not yet been able to create man, it seems
to me at least that there is very little difficulty in admitting
that SOME higher power must have done it. Anyway, she is doing
wonderfully and I have no fears at all. If she slips, it will
not bother me either, because I shall regard it as a probability,
and not feel it is a regression. She told F. about it, and F.
said "Oh Mommy I am so happy. Now you depend on me to help you, no
matter how you feel, tell me what to do and how I can help you get
well." So, I feel as if I had entered a new epoch, and whatever
prayer may be, something is going on inside me that is the equivalent,
in compassionate and tender thoughts for her. So!

Yesterday I saw Christopher I herwood, at J eab Stein's-
(the girl who wrote the Faulkner thing in Paris Review)- Jean has been
a pet of mine for some years, and I am watching her with delight
though she did rather let me down yesterday by announcing that she
has a passion for Presley. I saw him all of two minutes on TV one
day and was horrified. But then, even jazz never appealed to me,
so this phase seems alien to my content too. Anyway, Christopher
looked at me and then said to Speed Lambkin- 'Doesn't Bernardine
look a lot like Katherine Anne now? ( "which astounded me, flattered me,
but did not convince me at all- I think its only the white hair.
He also said Glenway is doing a book of George's photographs. "ell,
that gave me an idea- which I submit to YOU-because its not embarr
assing to ask you, whereas it might be if I asked Glen. You know so
well how cruelly the ego can be shattered- and I have been trying
to think of ways in which friends can help RM restore hers. It flashed
upon me that it might give her an enormous 'boost', if one of the
pictures George did of her would, justifiably, be included in the book.
That is, if there wer a choice between one of her and of several
others, might there be just a bit of a balance thrown in HER direction,
Its probably a cuckoo idea angel, but you know I never restrain myself
from throwing ideas around, because I have no sensitiveness about
them being rejected. Y u gamble, andxx has to be either yes or no,
and either is fine.

And the older I become, the more I like risks. Its so easy, looking about- to see how people, as they get older- try for the safe answer- and that's something I shall combat for myself as long as I'm able. I desire peacefulness, but not atrophy- and without staying in a action, there is only the vacuum. So, can you test it out- I shant ask him, because I fear HE would be disturbed to say no, even though I assured him there'd be no reason. If it works, it will be splendid, and if it doesn't, I'll have used the excuse to have written you a letter!!

Namara is still out here, what fun she is! She's the original child of nature. She wears the most beautiful clothes now, and invariably ADDS a red rose at the bosom, and another under the brim of her hat- and still carries the small paper bag to put goodies in to take home! She opens her bag and hauls out the most wretched little swede bag- pulls the string and out pops a fortune in jewels! She has a great passion for Monroe- tell him to beware. Oh, she tells me he is going round the world. Myself, I seem to have been trafficked, without volition, from Chinese to Indians- of course most of the chinese in this country now are the least attractive ones; the 'refugees'- but I see more and more Indians, in fact the other day I had the daughter of the ambassador and another young girl, 21- so beautiful and my GOD how brilliant, now off to Chicago Uni. to study psychiatry. The west goes on thinking of 'inscrutable Orientals' and they are actually the most vivacious and spontaneous people in the world.

What did Debbie do this summer. Each year I'll keep hoping you bring her out here, and perhaps eventually you will! You remember Virginia Kellogg- who did the story of your prison somewhere nearby- she married recently a very nice man, Frank Lloyd who was one of the greatest directors, and now, though older and not too active, is still doing excellent pictures. She was deeply impressed with Glenway.

Janet and Adrian came back unexpectedly from Brazil- he'd got pneumonia, and the doctor in Sam Paulo wanted to operate on him, though he confessed he didn't know for WHAT. So they called their Dr. here and he said come back. They had to go by jeep, place etc- in fact the army sent a place as they are miles inland- and he got back safely and has been in hospital, though now he is in Mary Pickford's guest house, as she invited him when he heard that their house is still rented. These two's ever illnesses of his have made an interesting change in him- often during the transition people are a little dulled, or rather, they are so immersed in whatever the kind of revelation they experienced when they feared they might not recover- that they are utterly focused on that for quite a time. But he's a fascinating creature, and he told me stories of Mary and Dick Halliday down there that I could scarcely believe. Scrubbing floors, mixing cement, sleeping under tarpaulins etc-- what extraordinary resources there are in people- and I dare say how seldom they get released.

Downwrite when you have time dearest Bobby-have you heard anything of Chester and his wife- they are in NY but friends write me that she does not like to meet C'S old friends, and he sees them alone at lunch, but they never meet her. And of course I'm very curious!

Best love ever and always, darling,

Feetie & her friends

all call me Deva

non - I like it!

Deva

My darling Bobby;

Isnt this pretty paper- my Indian dancers
brought it back from Japan and I love it!.. Now, first of all
the a ddress of Eva and Paul, er name is Crawford, les you've
forgotten, but I suggest you write directly to HIM. Its 1440
Angelo Dr, everly Hills. Spelled KOLLSman.

The photographs of Debo are delightful- I was
interested that someone said she reminded them of Feather- my
self I do not see it, ubless it is in that young, awakening LOOK.
You spoke of her next school; for so long I have wished RM
would consider sending F. away to school, the child is too per-
ceptive of what goes on there not to be deeply affected, but
the snag is that RM blames so many of her ills on having been
sent away to school that she would feel she was not making
amends to HER child, for the wrongsthat had come to her, if
she did the same. No child can ever escape certain unhappy
influences, but I think a good school would have fewer than
a bad home.. Then too, RM has bound F. so closely to her by
making her a confederate in everything, and she has so little
social life (B-) except the week ends with me, that everything
revolves rather desperately around the little place where
they live. F. now tells people 'My Mommy and I are different,
we aren't old fashioned and stuffy about things, we keep it to
ourselves of course, but we aren't old fashioned the way many
people are!-- Then the other day someone was speaking of having
to write 'housewife' on her driving license. F. said 'Dont ever
call my Mommy a housewife, she'd blow up. We cant stand
housework, who cares if everything is a mess anyway, I know
I'm not going to spend MY life scrubbing and washing dishes and
all that junk'..... These are ways which frighten me-and God
knows Bobby no one is less domestic than I, nor could anyone
find it more boring-but you see the slant of course.. And
since RM seems to be such a grave preoccupation with me again,
I am on her again, though I vowed I'd gossip with you before
telling you the last happenings. But here they are-now that
I've begun. The beau, who was supposed to go away for a year,
came back in no time, and the drinking and everything went on
again- he living in the house with R', (and F of course) until
I- after talking to an analyst friend, Dr Norman Levy,) spoke
to John about it, as I'd been overhearing F, tell playmates,
while here- when Mommy and Bert got up this morning' etc etc-
John, who is also utterly irresponsible, waved it off by saying
F. is a superbly adjusted child! RM quit her job, (it bared her)
and the carousing got worse and worse, the chap had no job,
RM more or less helping keep him on her tiny allotment, then
he took RM's car and broke it-he hadn't even $5. to pay for
towing it back. Straight after that, she found she was pregnant!
She did not tell me for a fortnight, but one of her friends tel
me, knowing I'd have to know sometime, and it was best to have
me prepared for the news. John was very sympathetic TO her
about it-he is still fairly involved in her life, and as long
as it is good for F. to see her parents being very friendly, I
am delighted, except again- he too drinks so much, is so
superficial about all values, and so evasive in character. How
ever, about the 'trouble'-he was not at all incensed that the
beau left the whole thing for RM to handle and pay for-he
said quite flatly that the fault was RM's-so let her pay the
paper. (You know what a deep thing I have about men, in relation
to women, and in a time like this, it made a horrible

impression on me.)-The beau in the meantime just disappeared.' So I got a Dr. took RM- brought her home, John and his girl friend(') stayed the night with RM-Feather being at a friend's house-.The next day someone else was to stay with RM- she said she'd prefer that to having me as she knew I had things to do and did not want to feel guilty about keeping me with her.In t the meantime, she refused to answer her phone, gave a few of us a special way to ring so she'd know who was calling and would reply to those rings only-but I sense it was thay she hoped the bwau would call, out of anxiety, and getting no reply would feel obliged to go to her house and see if she was all right.The day following that,I marketed and went over to get dinner for her I walked in,my arms full of bundles, and there on the couch w as RM,with the beau, who had his arms round her. Bobby you know how I fight being 'demonstrative'- well I went flat on the floor in a dead faint! I came to with my head on RM'S lap-then got to a chair,feeling,I confess, nothing but chagrin.The beau was no where to be seen.Suddenly he walks in from the bathroom and RM asked what had happened and he said'Oh you knww me, I cant stand these things- I ran for smelling salts.'- For HIMSELF. not for ME!"e then asked what had happened to me, was I in the habit of fainting- and I swear it never entered his befuddled head that the sheer shock of seeing him back there had been like a kick in the stomach to me.. RM tried to explain this to a friend later by saying that she was doomed because'After all, I love him'- Its a desecration of the word of course, and it isn't that lust or loneliness or whatever isn't all right- but still, that doesn't make love... She's so a shamed of it-which is the horrible part, that alone shoud prove to her that it is NO. LOVE However, to go back to my crise- I suddenly found I could not breathe,and began those horrible gasps. one makes trying to get breath-and RM grabbed me and,as I was struggling to breath, held me like a vise- I trying to push her off, she holding me all the close-till finally she said DON'T push me, away damn you. You always push everyone away. This time you're going to give in and let someone help youl I could only burst out with 'YOU're choking me'- so she let go-but the touching part of it, to me, was the revelation,from her,that she wanted to help, that she resented being 'pushed away'... If only these disclosures betwees us both could be made when we were relaxed and at ease, instead of in such an emergency- at any rate, it touched me deeply that it happened. THEN, two days later, RM walked out on her analyst. "e had put her back in deep analysis some months ago, to her great indignation, she said that he had been bullying her too much and that, during this'crisis' he had been no help to her at all. I'M telling you her rationalization of it. I suggested that she ought to see her analyst at least once, and tell him why, toth for her sake and his but she refused to discuss it at all. For several days she and her beau had ' fun' again-and ever that week end, F. who was with me had the worst attack of as thma she's had in a year- and RM said'I nt it funny she always gets bad attacks when she is with YOU.'Which was very naughty because when I picked F. up on Friday, RM told me she F. had had asthma the night before and was still wheezing-but you understand of course.It seemed there was nothing to be done but wait now until she again hit rock bottom, and was ready to return to her, or another analyst. ersonally I hoped it would be another, for I have 'felt'.

that this man had exceeded the terrain in which he was able
to do her much more good-though I say that rather humbly as I
have no way of judging. Anyway dearest- yesterday John called
me and said he had seen RM the night before, and she asked
him to tell me that if I were still agreeable, she would like
to make a trip to NY, and try to 'start a new life'. For years
I've urged her to go to NY and she has always but with
resentment, said NO. I fancied she felt it would revive too
much, it was there she had so many friends, she started in
theatre, there were many memories, sad and happy ones, and
then as so many of her old friends are now very successful
-I felt too she would feel herself more of a failure. I rejoiced
that this decision came so soon, for I had feared she might
go on for a long time with the beau-until she was utterly
demoralized again- but I do feel that a change, a revivification
of interests, the pleasure people would have in seeing her,
and showing it, would do much to restore her wounded spirit,
and arouse her to an awareness that *xxx* life has such
infinite offerings, if one is open to them, and if- of course,
one gives OUT as well. Last night I phoned my cousin, Mrs
Barney Tobey, in N Y' and asked if RM could make a sort
of headquarters with her, if she came to NY- for a few
weeks. "that I had in mind was that you might be able to invite
her to the farm for a few days, that Nancy Martin might be
able to have her for a few days, she has friends in New England
where I think she could spend a few days, etc. A hotel would be
out of the question financially, -besides I do not think it
a good time to have her alone in a hotel room, which can be
such a miserable place for a person who is not happy to
start with... My first snag was this; Barney is off, tomorrow
for 2 weeks in Tahiti, and his studio which in part of their
apt. will be available for that fortnight, but after he gets
back they will have no guest quarters, and I cannot see how RM
could possibly get to NY, not for a week at least from now.
So last night I wrote to Namara, who has a lovely apt. now at 41
410 Park, and urged me to come any time to visit her as she has
a guest room, so I asked if she would transfer the invitation
to RM- stipulating that it would be for a place to sleep and
a headquatters, but without any responsibility on RM Namara
for her entertainment etc. Namara may be a way, but if she is
there I am sure that delicious warm creature will say yes. If
so, then we can take time to get RM ready (everything is such a
project with her, at this point, and she will be worrying about
coothes etc, so it would be best for her to have a little more
time and feel right when she departs. But the main part of
all this letter is to ask, IF you are able to talk to her, IF
she responds, IF she will agree, do do try to get her to Dr
Portney- for as many times as she would go, if not at least
once! I'd like her to realize the difference between him
and the Freduian people, I know-Lord how well I know- what
a reward *xxx* and blessing it is to talk to him. I know you
will use discretion about what I have told you of RM, and that
you will not let her know details I have confided in you- she
does know that I told you and have written you my anxiety about
her condition..... Bobby dear, I'd not ask this at all except
that I have the dread that this is the last chance I know
if RM is doomed that neither I nor anyone can stop it-but
I do not believe she is doomed, I believe she should be in
better hands, and that someone can and WILL reawaken in

Bobby dearest;

WELL, IF I'D known that a few pebbles to Debo would have brought such a quick letter from you, I'd have sent one a month! You cant think what a joy it is to see your writing on an envelope, not to mention to see it on what is inside. I'm glad she enjoyed them, children are easy to gratify, though as I said, it was not at all what I'd been seeking. There is a piquancy about her that moved me very much- in fact, I find that the older I grow the more I like young things, and I have quite a collection by now. Some are up to 23 or so, including my young niece and her husband, -he is just back from a year in Korea, and at 22 was put in charge of an entire P.O.W. camp to 'teach them democracy.' (That's the army) But it turned out well in his case, for what he did was really give them something to do, and something to think about. The vocational plan, when he got there, was to save tin gas cans, food tins, etc etc. And etc- and have them cut out stars and crescents etc out of the tin, then make a big display of the arts and crafts all over the barracks so that when visiting senators or big brass came a visiting, they could be shown the output of the 'program'. To LARRY set about finding, first an old missionary who was a soil specialist. The old man, so Larry says, simply walked his legs off, in his enthusiasm and ardour at having the chance to do something he'd been hopelessly trying to do for 30 years-- they got XEXX seends, etc- they found an old lime quarry and got the army to move many tons of lime gratis, lime it appears what was the soil needed most- they planted potatoes and every possible kind of vegetable and fruit, they went into breeding of pigs and cows etc- they made blacksmith shops and carpenters shop- made their own tools, took all the army scrap there was and reconverted it into extraordinary and useful equipment, they were taught to read and write, they were shown innumerable U.N. films of agriculture etc in other countries, they got clinics and schools and so on. It all stopped when the big escape came, by the way I did not realize and I doubt if you did, that Sigmund Rhee organized that escape as a defiance to the U.N.-and at this point all LARRY wants is to go back under UNKRA or one of the other groups and go on with the work. Our U.N. man out here is making him write a book about it, and he is now about one third through, and its absolutely fascinating. Then I have another pet who is 24- Phil Burds, this was a lad who was in Europe, post war on a G.I. scholarship- painter- and who became a protégé of Pavlek. Pavlek wrote me he was coming to L.A. Phil that is and said: 'please be sweet to him; he is just like we all were, 25 years ago in Paris.' I held my head- the thought of taking under my wing anyone who was like we were, 25 years ago in Paris was dismaying- so I did nothing for months, until I got a meek little note from Phil asking if I'd heard from Pavlek. I saw him then, and have since grown to love him dearly. A fabulous talent, as a painter- and a most endearing lad. He is now doing sets at C.B.S. TV- and really putting vivacity and significance into them. He is going abroad for 2 months this summer, saved every sou, lives most frugally, asked for the leave, and got it, and I shall miss him sorely.

Yes, Glenway just sent me a note telling about his Father, and I am very sad for him. My Father died of cancer too, and I know what a dreadful ordeal it is. It is not the dying so much, the interminable dying- but the horror that comes after that was so

I know is our immortal friendship.

Your loving

new to me, the questions that you can't answer, taking clothes home and bringing others, the greowsome manner of the undertakers and what they do, all of it was a nightmare to me, and I have since made every effort to arrange in advance, against my own death, so that as much of this barbarism as possible can be saved for those who have to take over. I daresay this is why I myself always have a bit of uneasiness about cancer, since I have the disposition it appears- but since Max Cutler has moved out here, I feel that whatever he says or does about me, in that connection at least- I leave to him and with utter faith. He expects to be in NY the 16th and 17 of this month, and he will see Paul, and I do wish you'd get in touch with Eva, for you might have the chance to meet him- his stay will be very limited. He stops first in Chicago, seeing 50 patients a day- for 10 days, then to Atalanta for a day to see his Mother, then NY for 2 or 3 days, then back to Chicago then back here. You'd be very interested I know in his theories on psychosomatics and cancer- broader than any others I've heard- and of course I am sure I sent you his pamphlet- in case I didn't I'll enclose another one.

As for the clinic, there too, I feel if you somehow got at Eva on it, you might get something from Paul- or even from Paul directly, if you saw him a bit first- (take HIM SOME HONEY)- He is so so rich, but he is so obsessed by his work that he is rarely aware of other things. I just finished some new invention, and that is why they are still in NY as they have planned being back here long ago. Its so hard Bobby- I think I told you Carl Menninger came here during the war to try to raise money to have a quickie training school for just workers to handle returned soldiers- and to have it OUT HERE, and in 6 weeks he got exactly $250. Of course this place is in the hands of the orthofix Freudians, much more than NY- its an utter tyranny and RM was lucky to find Dr Jackson, who though trained as a Freudian I believe- has evolved his own approach which I fancy is very like that of dear Dr Portnoy. At least- under him she was able, after a year, to face getting a job, and doing the job damn well. She still goes 4 times a week, but its better to do that than be fearful all the time of slipping. Just as she suddenly found herself wanting a job, I think she may also suddenly decide she will not need her doctor so often. As for Tom- I know they are in Chicago as I had acard- its Thomas H Fisher, and they are living at the Racquet club at the moment, though Tom's office, which would be best, is 135 S LA Salle st--- you can, at the Waldorf, always look in a Chicago phone book in case you lose this. He is said to be very 'tight'- but he just might be helpful, he would I know with a dvice, and he might suggest others, who would give money, by don't you, on a chance, try Mrs John Alden Carpenter, 999 Lake Shore dr- it was her daughter who married, and divorced Stemenson, if you remember. Its rather odd that, outside of Paul, (and I suppose I should include you but I never think of you that way) I know almost no really rich people. After Chester, I simply slipped further and further out of all those contacts, many of them had been rather tiresome- many just duties, and in general, the very rich are too materially secure, in general, to have the depth of inner sensibility and humility that appeals to me. By the way dearest, though I know you are not especially inclined to this, or I assume you are not, DO get a book called Philosophy of Sarvepalli Rahakrishnan - its almost 900 pages and you leave it at your bedside, but this would all be so entwined with the Horney work, I feel SURE. A tiny excerpt- 'to be good is to be capable of all evil and to commit none.' Abus e of freedom is issin. Sin is the refusal to love and grow'- 'He passed safely through the fire but perished from the smoke'- 'Defiant self affirmation leads to enslavement'- 'Unless one is free to disobey the commands, there is no opportunity to observe and conform to them'- these are indications-and I think you will find great wisdom and help in the book.

Ahappy new Year my dearest Baba- there is no one for whom I wish moreblessings. You are so dear to me, and you know how I treasure what

9657 Heather rd
Beverly Hills.

Friday

My darling, what an ingrate you must think I am, for not having written. Of course there is one very funny story. I stayed in Chicago 6 days, and was to leave at 5.45 of an evening. I would not let them take me to the airport as I knew Mother would weep, and I did not want that. The traffic was awful and the driver despaired of getting me there in time. "However, we made it. I had excess luggage and while it was being weighed I asked which gate, paid my excess, grabbed my cape and lept for the plane, being the last one on. A couple of hours later, the pilot said his little speech and I suddenly did a double take, and said to the women sitting beside me, "Why is he talking about Washington- what Washington?' D C of course, she said. where else?' I said but I'm not going to Washington D C, I'm going to Los Angeles. 'Well, she said, I don't know how. THIS plane is about to arrive in Washington D C.... I called the stewardess- she could not imagine how it had happened, but I fancy, as I was the last one on, they didn't bother to check my name, just pulled the slip off the ticket and returned the stub to me.. So they radioed to Washington, to find when the first plane would go out, and as we arrived there, the passengers were asked to let me off first, as a plane was being held for me.. I popped out, two men took over, one took my ticket and made out another one, I told the second fellow my phone number here and got him to pledge he'd phone them on wire, not to meet me. I was shoved in the other plane, the door slammed-- and then, I looked about with dismay. It seemed twice as large as the other plane, and there were five seats across instead of four, and noise, dirt, lunch boxes, screaming babies-- and I was paralysed. Remember, I'd only flown 3 times before, and always under duress, and was still frightened of it, and I had the woeful feeling that I'd been put on a tourist plane, about which I've heard such unpleasant reports that I was in a panic. But there I was, stuck. There was only one stewardess for all those people and it was half an hour before she got to me- poor thing she begged me to stay on and said they'd be very nice to me, and all that, but as she'd already said we stopped at Ft Worth, I said I'd get out at Ft Worth! She found that I could get over to Dallas in 20 minutes and get out of there at 3.55 in the morning, and arrive home at 8.30 in the morning instead of 5;30, and on a good plane. "Which I did. I didn't mind because I kept thinking how RM would howl and say 'T' is could happen to NO one except my Mother.' "Which she did.. 'Eatherkin came to spend the first week end with me, and on Sunday had a fearful fever, I called the doctor who said-keep her in bed- its measles. So- she was here for ten days, and left only on Wednesday. She was quite ill for some days but so good, however, it kept me bound you may bessure. One day I was trying to amuse her so we started to do a guessing game, 'what part of the body begins with E-' then we'd guess, eye, ear, etc -3 guesses. She said 'I'M thinking of a part beginning with D. I had to give up and she chortled- 'DEpendix'.... You can imagine what a time I had keeping a straight face..

So will you tell my favorite little niece Debo that due to all this I have not yet had time to get to her turquoise necklace, but not to despair- she will receive it before long. I haven't actually finished unpacking.

RM loved your piece, the one I sent on, and has meant to write and tell you how much it meant to her, but part of her state is procrastination, so I know you will forgive her. I am ordering some of the pamphlets- they sent me the catalogue-

and I myself will get great profit from them I'm sure. I'm specially interested to see that Dr Portnoy has done some on the demon rum-and those I have sent for. I wish I'd realize it at the time. RM had not actually become an alcoholic, but I feared she was very near. She had made enormous progress while I was gone, she looks so much better-in fact, we went to the ballet the other night and she was by far the most striking creature there. We went back to see Balanchine, who embraced her fondly-and it gave her an inordinate lift-emphasized because there were people standing around who knew her, and so she felt proud and fine about it-poor old Bernardine sympathizing more than she would have before the NY trip-as I had fancied I was above baking or beyond-that particular vanity, but I confess all the fuss that was made of me in NY did me a world of good. Kopekin-remember him, was there too, and he always adored RM, and they chattered away like my early morning birds-the wretches have eaten practically ALL my peaches, even though I made a fancy SCARECROW scarecrow off one of my old China pajama tops-which impressed them not at all.I have a talk to myself every day, pretending its vis a vis. Dr Portnoy-and though I'm not too proud of myself, I haven't really had much of a chance as yet, everything being so chaotic. However, the first night, RM and I had the first long talk in many years-and she said how much she'd missed me, and that I knew how hard it was for her to express what she felt most deeply, but, as she might never find herself able to say it again she wanted me to know how she valued all I'd done, and how deeply and dearly she loved me... That I am sure would never have happened, except for the fact that I'd write her, after talking to Dr Portnoy, and I must have been inspired when I did, to have brought about this sweetness. So far, our relationship has remained extremely friendly and good. Mille thanks to you, my dear Baba.

I shant try to say, now, how much being with you meant to me. I felt as if I came back with more lives than my own, inside me, with them reuniting and merging, as our lives should because we who have been close are all part of one another.. But I love you so much, you have an appeal and gentleness that nearly KILL me, if you can extract the exaggeration and realize just what I mean. You are the most moving creature I know. It was a reward and blessing to be with you, and has made me very happy.

I wrenched my back again and am off to the osteopath to get it put back-damn and blast.

Dearest Bobby-

Darling Barbara;

Oh dear what a nuisance- a man just brought the coat. You could have left it in the Hatfield gallery and I'd have picked it up there. Its my 'car' coat, for emergencies...

After you left, I sat glowing for a bit- so so happy to have had you both here, and so happy to feel a vast change in you. When you were last here, you were somehow, here and yet NOT here;- so many people to see and so little chance for relaxation, and as I recall you weren't feeling too well. You were like the dearly remembered Barbara this time, so warm and out going and wise and aware, and I rejoiced every instant. AT THAT MOMENT THE PHONE RANG AND IT WAS YOU! When I sat last night that YOU changed the course of my life, - I thought how how strange and almost frightening this chain of relationships is- in a way that is why I find the I CHING- the Chinese book of Changes so fascinating- the inevitability of importance of each second, each act, on our 'destiny'. . . Your beauty has grown, that patrician nobility of profile that has always touched me so deeply, and again as always, your voice- it holds a quality that is so appealing. How fortunate I've been to have you for an immortal friend...

Lloyd looked so well,- one always expects to see visible signs of a grave illness, but he looked, and seemed almost another person. I'll confess I used to be a bit intimidated by Lloyd- perhaps because I never really had the chance to know him. It may have been my faulty- sometimes when one's involvement has been with one member of a family, one takes the others as rather remote reflections. I know I did that with Monroe for many years.

Oh, Martha Davidson just called, she said its been years since she and Leroy had met people with whom they were so enamoured, and she definitely does NOT mean to let you vanish from her life. You saw that she is a cripple, I imagine, - always in pan, and so gallant. I adore her, and as for Leroy, his students at UCLA worship him-they all feel he's the epitome of all knowledge.

Sweet Barbara, I love you so dearly.

9657 Heather rd.
Beverly Hills,

My darling Barbara;

I have thought of you so much recently-
and several times almost phoned you-- but I know those
cross country calls are so unsatisfactory- and I waited
until I had time to write. Is there any Special reason that
you should have been so much on my mind? From YOUR end I
mean. (I've had so many cases of ESP that I begin to
trust it!)

I forget when you are to move, but
isn't it fairly soon? Certainly that will mean no chance of
you coming west this summer, though of course you never
indicated that you might! Where is Debo, and what is
she doing? Feather is going to be in Europe this summer
with her father and his bride- she will arrive in NY on
June 24th, and leave on June 27th on the Colombo, in
charge of two young school teachers, and her Father will
meet her in Gibralter. She is dying to see Italy- Rome
especially- (isnt it odd how young ones get a passion
for one place rather than another)- but Rome is her dream.
Perhaps it was Three Coins in a Fountain??? It might well
be, rather than a more aesthetic reason. I have been trying
to find a school for her for next year- and my God the ONL
good schools seem to be in the East. Verde Valley, in Sado
Sedona Ariz, is the best we can find out this way, and
her application has gone in, - but next year I think it would
be wonderful for her to go to the International in Geneva.
I'm continually grinning at myself- eloping at 18-
going from city to city state to state country to country
continent to continent, and ending back here in Calif-
SURROUNDED by family- which I'd tried to escape when
young. They do pile up-dont they- the young people and
the resulting responsibilities.

Will you give Glenway a message? I had
tea yesterday with the Francis Hacketts- who leave
Monday for the East and then on to Denmark. It seems to
have a copy of the talk Glenway gave for the Academy
and I should very much like a copy. "What a pity he did
not get HERE on his tour!"

(Lord how I need a new typerwriter!)

Gerald heard is again in New York, staying with David Hahn,
but I have given up trying to have him meet Glenway as
it has never seemed to work, though they should know each
other. Glenway thought they'd met- but Gerald says, no,
they never have. Aldous is also in NY now- until the 26th,
I shall have to try to think up some new people for the

I feel certain F. ought to be sent to boarding school. The analysit did not say he 'agreed' but he said it would be up to John, and for me to discuss it with John. I did, but there again, it is like grabbing at smoke. He says. Well- maybe, I'm not sure, I don't see, after all etc. He too is weak, irresponsible you see, and RM can still bully him and he's afraid of her. He would have to make the suggestion, as coming from me it would be lethal, in as much as I was the one who put RM in boarding schools, which is the basis of her hostility toward me. "e and RM keep insisting that F. is a perfectly adjusted child- yet she goes on having attacks of a sthma, and they have been worse lately than for a year... John could afford to send RM to school, but he would like to avoid spending the money. He is making a very good living now, his show, Gunsmoke is now coast to coast and goes on I think 3 times a week, and he does work hard, he at least functions, which is a miracle. But he gives RM 275 a month, which is for them both, F and RM, and he takes F. as his dependent on his tax, so it would be an advantage to him that way to send her to school, since people do seem to consider tax advantages in ratio to human welfare..

My feeling is that the NY trip went come off. There is no point unless it seems propitious, and if the circumstances are not reasonably hopeful before she starts, there is too much risk- such as finding herself alone a lot, feeling lonely and insecure and not attractive, for then she'd want all the more to get back to Bert who will always be there...

Darling, it's a great relief for me to say all this. Per haps it she does not go to NY, it might be good for you to write to her. She knows I have spoken with you, she knows I went to Dr Fortney, and in a way, you too having been an 'abandoned' child, she might listen and find a basis of resemblance between your childhood and hers, but above all, if you could instill in her some desire to Live and GROW, to see how large and splendid the world is, to desire participation in it WITH others, to GIVE of herself...

How wonderful that the clinic finally got established, and I know how much of it must be due to your passionate efforts. Do in any case, ask if there are any Horney people out here- or Jung, I know of several Jungians but I know nothing about them, as they are always so suppressed by the Freudians. That might give you a peg upon which to write, and if you do, would you also explain to her the difference between the Horney and the others- for it is there that I am certain her analysis got bogged. She got to a certain spot, and was left, hopelessly dependent on, well really upon her own weakness, again, just the ego.

I have already put May 9 to 11 in my book, and cant believe that you are really coming. MUST you stay so short a time, is there no chance for you to remain a bit longer. I'd even go to look at animals with you, just to be near you a bit more, if that were permitted! "here shall you stay- you don't say where the show will be, and as we cover half of Calif, it might be miles from n me, although the nearest hotel to me is the Beverly Hills!!

Thanks again dearest for your beautiful letter, for the solace and hope it gave me, and I'll keep you informed.

Bobby darling, Your letter was so beautiful. How wonderful you are, what a superb woman you have become!..

I shall try to reply step by step. First, I wrote Namara because my cousin Beatrice Tobey wrote that, on second thought, it would be awkward allaround. Barney now uses their one extra room, which was formerly the guest room- as his studio- he is away right now for a fortnight, but when he is home he frequently sleeps in the studio when he works late, and as the family lives a very organized and co-operative sort of life, everything would be thrown out of gear- his work, which cannot be interfered with, and hers as well. I was under the impression that she had a maid, but she says she has none now, so she would have almost no time to devote to RM- of whom she is very fond, other than to have her to dinner, and some things evenings... Namara- well I knew about her love, but he gave her an apt. to live in, where she has a guest room and bath, and had invited ME to come any time, so I asked if she'd like to transfer it to RM- I mean the invitation. It would have been only 'headquarters'- and so central and convenient that I thought, if it worked out, it would be excellent. However, she replied that she has just split up with Bob Goelet, and plans to move to Calif within the next few months. I' I'm sorry, though I never did expect it would last as long as it has, for of course she had a beau on the side, and she told everyone about him of course, saying New DONT_tell for Bob would really feel hurt if he knew, although of course, NEVER put the beau first, its always Bob because it would see me so ungrateful otherwise!"-- I dare say he found out, as of course he would for those jealous of her would see that!

I wrote some other letters too but have not as yet had replies. There are plenty of friends with whom she could stay and 'sleep on the couch'- etc- but with insomnia, that is impossible. I did not make it clear, I see, that this was to be only for about a month. The way I had planned it is this ; I'd go spend nights with F. stay till the school bus picked her up, and come back after school. I had thought also I'd make John stay a night now and then as it would be a way of compelling him to spend some time with his child, which he evades whenever he can. "He loves her dearly, but simply went arrange his life so that he gets to see her. He lives 5 minutes away, and only sees her one night a week, when he picks he up around 7 takes her to dinner and brings her back at bedtime.. I thought though that even SOME sessions in N.Y., with Dr Portnoy or some someone else you'd suggest, would be beyond value, if she would consent of course. As to the fee, dearest this is what has kept me so frantic these years, for I've paid for her analysis, four times a week for a long time, and then this last year mostly 3 times. She had a job for a time in a gum, and got $1. an hour, not even carefare the way the maids do- but she went only 3 times a week, so it never came to over $100. a month, and she used all that on clothes. She quit the job when the beau came back this last time, and although she was offered another one, in another gym, she felt it was too boring to endure, and so it was, but it was healthy, and it fell in her lap, for she cannot face applying for a job and being rejected. She cannot face applying for a job- it stops there. She is ashamed of the beau, she tells her friends she feels utterly degraded in this relationship, yet it is easy because he is utterly worthless, no one else would have him, and so she feels superior to him, and persuades her self that she 'loves' him. He more or less lives off her, for he seldom has work, and is in debt to his ears, and is a real alcoholic, and just, well even the analyst calls him a bum. I went to see the analyst last Sat- the first time he's let me, since RM no longer goes to him, and it was then he used the term He was not very helpful to me he said, which God knows I am a ware of- that no matter how things go,

I am trapped. There is no one else to stand behind RM- and ,even though I am not sure what I do will fortify her- there is alwayas my concern about F. who has GOT to be saved from destruction. This is my deepest concern; the child now takes it as a matter of course that the beau spends most of his nights there, she takes it for granted that people drink so much, her father too is practically an alcoholic- and yet it does disturb her. L.Ast week when she was here she came into my bed and told me not to worry that she'd drink too much when she grew up-'Maybe a drink, or two at the most at a party,'she said,' but I'm never never going to get squiffy. It scares me.'--She has been told, you see, that I am stuffy about people drinking, and I have told her so myself, as I have to be very delicate about what I say, and not have it reflect on her parents, or disturb her loyalty to them. But her 'ideal' of life, I am afraid, is going to based upon what she is now being conditioned to-and as she adores her Mother, her standards are all being formed now, and in dreadful distortion.RM Must have FIS allegiance, so she has convinced her that they- the two of them, are superior to other people, who are old fashioned and stupid about most things... Oh dear.. The analyst did not make much of an impression on me I confess-perhaps it was that I felt ill at ease, knowing how much he'd been told of me, and I felt at a great disadvantage. In fact, I found myself sitting there, with my mind and heart bursting with anxieties, and unable to think of what to say... He made a special feefer R M, $15. a session, the others charge 20 and 25-but my feeling has been, and still is, that he has expended himself, as far as RM is concerned. This is one interesting development. She has slept better since she quit him than she has in years. But, judging by the past, this will not last, and she will begin to find the conflicts rising again, the torments incessant, the drinking will increase-and she'll again go to the depths. I do not know about rock bottom- she seemed there when she began with THIS analyst- and there has been great improvement, even her attitude toward me has been softer and more friendly this past year, but her habits have not changed-she is still utterly self immersed, self indulgent, slothful, irresponsible, and I suppose the word is 'sly'. She would deny that passionately, but I mean it in the sense that she cleverly blames everyone or everything else for what happens, and brilliantly, but never faces it as her own. The analyst said he could not tell me in a technical word what her illness is, other than that she is very ill indeed, but, said he, for discussion, let us call it a character neurosis. meaning??

The purpose of the trip was not to be a solution, but a refreshment of a sort. To get her away from this hole, to see other people active, interested, functioning. To be stimulated by the interests which once excited her, and which she has utterly repudiated. Her activities now are going to give things with Pert (beau') watching TV, a little reading still, and now and again I manage to get her seats for the ballet which she adores, but I cant do it often as I cant afford it. I never was really mercenary, (I dont think so anyway) but these days I wish desperately I had more money, simply for the maneuvering one can do, for the pain one can save, for the kind of freedom it can purchase. That is all limited of course, but for instance, if I had enough money to tempt R M to MOVE somewhere else, or take a strip abroad, say to London which she loves and where she still has dear friends, I know it would not solve it Bobby, but somehow I feel it would STIR her, at least wrench her out of many bad habits, and help in making a new beginning.

Dearling Bobby;

You must think me an ingrate not to have replied sooner, - our letter was so moving and beautiful. I was, indeed, waiting to see what developed. Nothing worked out, that is nothing that would have provided PM a room of her own, while in NY- and the 'sleep on the couch' thing, though sweetly offered by several, is not good at this moment. .. She speaks casually now and then of wanting to move away, a good sign I think, somewhere down the coast perhaps, on the water, and try to 'start a new life'. . In any event, you will see her when you come, and perhaps you may be able to talk to her, perhaps not. She is so very proud-though I don't know why ANYone should be proud, especially in sorrow- for it is a common affliction of all humanity, and only the way in which it is faced, and the consequences- differ.

I am wondering if you would like to have me make a reservation for you here, the good hotels are always full, and you must arrange well in advance. I am not at all sure where the she will be, nor in which part of time you would prefer to stop, but I suggest the Beverly Hills hotel as the most pleasant, as well as the one nearest to ME- but perhaps you have already made a decision?

The thought of your coming is such a joy- I have had a run of out of town people, Jpe a d Lona Mary Swan turned up unexpectedly for a few days- of course I got all the news about Chester' bride from them- then Dr and Mrs Lim came for some days as he is en route to SF to a biologists conference, she was Tsing Yi Tsang, you may remember one of my earliest Chinese pets, and for a time she did dress designing in NY. It turned out that she has known Paul (Kollisman) for over twenty years, and it was fun listening to them reminisce.

I can scarcely hit the keys, I weeded for hours, then dug up tremendous roots of ginger plants that had under grown everything else, and the poor sacrailiac, which is always failing, is now making me feel weary from head to toes. I don't know why I do it, I'm told I should not, but somehow, yanking and digging in the garden release all my indignations -and I get them out on the poor plants and then manage to love the people!

Do let me know in advance when you will arrive, I should adore to meet you- also shall I reserve for you- exactly how long will you be here- is there anyone you would like to see, about which I could be helpful. By the way, Virginia Kellogg always asks about Lloyd Glenway, and you. Did you hear that Sir Victor lost his Mother- she died a week or so ago.

Now to soak my ach ing bones in a hotintub,
and get ready to dine with my Chinese friends.

Most lovingly

wash out without any struggle. I remember at the first of the
Buddist classes we had years ago at the Baroness Ungerns, when
Chao Kung explained and elucidated the precepts of the Buddha to
us-- and I kept saying -but how CAN one renounce hopes, dreams,
desires, as long as one is alive? and Leonie said ,gently but
witheringly- 'How Young you are!! ' I was highly indignant...

Katherine Anne is such a joy to me, not that I see her
often, but we talk over the phone quite a bit- she lives at the
end of the world from me, though she does come to the studio now
several times a week, and that is very near me. She loves you so
much. She was vastly amused one day when I told her how jealous
I was of her when I came back from China, and found her ensconced
in what I firmly believed was the bosom of MY family and mine alone
that I was eternal, irreplacable, secure. And here was a creature
called KAP who was part of everything that should have been
held in abeyance until I got around to appearing again- and every
body worshipped her, and even went on having plans with her which
excluded ME-- and here I HAD returned!! Oh dear, the pangs of
frustration I used to have over that. I never wanted to know her
well, I considered her a trespasser and usurper, and for years-
will you believe this- even refused to read her works? The funny
part is that I always considered myself so unselfish about my
friends- I wanted everybody to kow them and love them as much as
I did- so I thought, but it finally came to me that I had a
contingency with all that-- I-- had to make the marriage- then it
was all right! If it was made outside- then, would I sanction it-
oh NO ... Well, you get trimmed down all right if you live long
enough. I don't kow that I appear any the tidier for all the
trimming I have had- but the object presented to the world
surely must be a little less be spalgled , which makes it easier
on the eyes at least, if not the heart.

My darling Bessie Hasky returns from N Y in a fortnight
and I have missed her formidable. her sister is coming with
her to be married at their place here, and that little Bessie- who
always ends every sentence by saying the last three words twice over
will be a joy again. Now THAT is a woman who works out her life.
She is one of the ethereal ones- full of talk about the spirit and
the soul, with a face as serene as the Kuan Ying, -- and her
painting partly romantic and dreamy- and then again harsh and bold-
and the other part of her character so practical and material. It
enchants me,-- and is puzzling- in the way anything is puzzling that
you would like to do yourself and cant, but damn well know you
WOULD, if you had the guile or force. I do wish yo,, I met.

George was the only one of you we heard from at Xmas,
but we cant complain as we sent no cards, and indeed, just getting
fed and kept together is all any of us can accomplish. The struggle
to find a bit of butter takes as much energy today as a trip to
India did in 1928! But what would YOU know about struggling to get
butter.

Bobby, shall you never come out to this coast. The chance
of getting East seems so remote for me- now anyway- and I miss you.
Have you heard from Virgina. Do tell me if you have, or where I can
write to her. I still want to send her a present. And to tell her
how often I am grateful for what she did for me, because perhaps she
doesn't realize.

Chester is supposed to sail from S F tomorrow for China.
I had a fearful longing, when I heard he was leaving, to see him. It
was, I suppose, that last vain urgency to clear up all the hatefulness
between us- actually I suppose I just wanted to pry at him again
and try to make him SAY something- and by now I ought to know he is
NOT the saying kind- he isn't even the thinking kind. So I
called him and asked if he'd mind if I saw him off. instantly-

9657 Heather rd.
Everly Hills.

My most dear Barbara;

I was out tying up plants in the garden and
in delight because the sun is hot and seeps in to the blood- and
then I began to think of you so strongly, and tenderly as always,
that I had to stop and come in and write to you.

I kept thinking, if only, if ONLY I could be
with Bobby, alone, for a few days. Actually dearest, do you know
how many years it has been since we really were 'together',
in easy communication? That trip we took, do you know it was
a miracle, two females, together day and night for months on end,
and never separated, and very very rarely cross with each other. I don't
have friendships like that any more, perhaps being older, they
aren't necessary any longer- I'm not at all sure for I sometimes
feel a sharp loneliness- not restlessness to do something with
someone, but a loneliness of the spirit I suppose. It is, I fancy,
very much because of the kind of life we out here. Or else I may not
be capable of that kind of friendship because so much of my
inner vitality goes to either reflection or uneasiness about RM.
She is better and worse in periods, but I am not too happy about the
progress, and the reason is, or so it seems to me, that she acquires
nothing beyond her ego to give her support, and Lord, what a
frail piece of equipment the ego is! She seems still to think of
the future as a vehicle of pleasure, instead of trying to build
toward a 'good life'. She has no philosophy at all, like so many
people of her generation, she has new values except for those that
get you what you want without doing anything in return. It's
discouraging at times, although of course, the terrible urges
to end it all seem to have ceased, which is a lot.

Tell me about Deborah. Send me a new snap of her
feather by the way is really extraordinary, although she is just coming
to the age where she sees and understands so much that I wonder what
the effect will be upon her. We ran into Mildred Knopf the other day
when she was with me, and Mildred called me later to say she had
rarely been so impressed with a child. She has lovely manners, but
more than that, there is a radiance in her face, and really a special
kind of beauty. Ah me----

I had a note from Fania. I wrote him that I
was sending a young girl to him, and hoped he'd see that you all met
her. I'd also sent her a note to Fania. Fania invited her, and she
arrived with Bill Faulkner, and it pleased me that Fania agreed that
all I could say was true. Her father who is fantastically rich, is
head of something called Music Corp. of America- a rather interesting
man. Her mother was a quite uneducated but very pretty girl, who
was in some shop in Chicago when she met Jules Stein, and they
married very soon. The mother is an embarrassing socialcllber with
one of those hearts of gold that Glenway always found so distressing.
Jean, nearly 21, is rather your type of beauty, she has a breathless
way of speaking, she is shy, but intelligent and sensitive, and
my God what a strong character. I gave her a few notes because she
just went through a miserable emotional crisis out here, and I thought
some new people would be distracting to her. I hope you meet her.

"What is happening to Virginia and Marius."
Sheeler was out here for a show recently, and I tried to talk to him
about Marius, but the poor man is so deaf now that I finally realized
that his nods were not of attentiveness but of the desire to
get it over before I caught on. He's impressive looking though,
and its perhaps 20 years since I last saw him, and his show, at
UCLA was suorably hung.

Is Beth better? How long did you stay abroad. "Here will your
next trip be? Cant you possibly possibly come here? Eva and
Paul are here now, came a few months ago, and back in what we all
call the haunted castle, with 23 Thibetan dogs, and Paul's lab.
in what used to be the stables. Helen and Dubid get back from S. Amer.
not long ago and then he went to Chicago, and my sister had a big
family party, they go on increasing of course- and he said my
Mother was too pretty for words, and the belle of the party, She is
a miracle, 86, nearly 87, and when she was here a few months ago she
simply were me out! "We had been out all day and get back for
dinner and she said "Let's eat early, because I have no intention
of staying in this evening, I want to go out somewhere. 'Its
renrakable to me, this holding onto life so fiercely- myself, if
I know today would be my last, I'd be so content and ready. Except
for the fact that I never have seemed to get my affairs' in the
order I want them to be, to make it easy for those who have the
chores of settling what is called an estate.

I got an announcement of the new Aesop book, and
was delighted. Your Harrison of Paris one was such a delight to
the Bareness von Ungern Stornberg- remember her—in Shanghai-
did I ever tell you that they went back for a visit after the
war, the first time in 20 years- and were killed at the
entrance to a building by a hand grenade that had not been found
before or destroyed. Sophia, the daughter, lives somewhere in
Luxemburg I think.

I just had a note from Victor—he had an abad attack
of pleurisy, and so did not get to go to New Mexico where he had
expected to send Thanksgiving with Sandy and the Helmick clan.
Oh those dreadful Christmas cards of his! He did such a sweet thing
for Marine Keshetz, she had married some time ago and she and her
young doctor husband were longing to buy Stokowski's house, which
is small but accustically perfect, and when she'd often sung for him,
and of course her Mother as well. "Victor, for a wedding gift,
gave them the down payment, bless him.

"I love said none of the things I wanted to say.
I am, I am, stupid. At least I've been with you these few moments, and
I send you fond love for the holidays and for after.

9657 "eather rd.
Beverly Hills.

Barbara, my ever dearest; "here are you- how are you, what is happening to you, are you well, are you happy, I want to know all. First let me explain this paper, I have just come back from hospital, and a friend brought it there to me, thinking it would 'cheer' me up. Another of those souvenirs that someone thought 'looked just like Bernardine'--. You being almost the only person in the world who gave me anything that really DID look like me! The hospital thing was a bore, I was terribly resentful- a tumor in the other breast- or I suppose I ought to say THE breast, to be exact. This time at least I had the greatest man in the entire world, for that-he is, they say, the man who has done more in just breast cancer than anyone living, and who is parent, guide, friend, instructor, everything, and makes you feel almost privileged to have had the problem, Had to stop there. Anyway its as well for I should have gone on for pages about Dr Cutler, and instead, I shall send you a pamphlet of one of his pieces in the A.M.Journal, which I think every women, AND man, in the world should read. Its primarily on the psychosomatic aspects of breast cancer, though it goes further of course, in fact, maybe you can get a copy of the magazine, because the pamphlets are being sent me from Chicago and may be some time in arriving, MArch 1952, vol 148 pp 833-838. I am sure you will immediately think of other people who will be benefited by reading it, because every person ought to have preparation, either for her or himself, or for others.

Lord, how I wish Dr Ho rney were out here.
You may have had rumors from time to time, of the
awful time Rosemary has had- and at this moment, she is
so very bad that I am wondering if perhaps her doctor
may want me to take over Feather, her little girl, for
a time, as she is now old enough to perceive too much,
and is showing the stress. She has bronchial asthma, and
for a time was so much better, and now the spells come
more often again, and much of it is attributed to the
situation. I adore that little girl, - and my situation
with her is not too easy, for RM, determined to 'show me'
that she would never makes the errors with 'eather than
I did with her (RM) and, until fairly recently, it was,

I suppose, the one thing in which RM had not failed. But now her morale in that has cracked too, - you know I look back so often, seeing myself as I was in those years we were together so much, I try to say I did the best I knew how, at the time, under the circumstances. But that is so little consolation. I feel so responsible, even knowing, that at this point, my sense of guilt only accents, instead of relieves the situation- for I condone and give in, where it is bad for RM (as well as for me) but how can one find the strength. After first analyst, to whom she went some years ago and stopped after about 18 months because she could no longer endure it, or him- he was one of these prussians, who did very little but sneer at her, from what I've heard- but he told me I HAD to stand by and LET the worst happen- even if it was suicide, and that I had to take that chance. I never could. Now she has another man, just for the past month, he is not orthodox, he does not even use the couch. he is, she says 'helpful'. But after the first four weeks, she had another crise, and a few days ago did something so terrifying that I am numb. I know there are regressions, and especially just after one starts an analysis, but, as I said, I DO wish Horney were here, for, from all I've read and heard, she seems so superior to the others.

Tell me about MArius and Virginia- is he better, is SHE better? And the children? If course it is YOU I am most concerned about, I want to know what you are doing, I suppose your own analysis is long since over, how is Deborah, is Lloyd all right, I recall someone said he had been ill. That may have been years ago, for time rushes so swiftly and I write so few letters any more, and, in consequence, I receive so few.

Rather than write on for an hour, which I could do so easily, I'll wait and see what reply I get from you. I remember your OLD habit was to write a few times a year, and volumes- but perhaps this may evoke a quick reply from you, if only a postcard. Now and then I long to telephone you, and would damn it all, except that I always have to remember how much it costs. But do write me just a line or two dearest Bobbie, and you Do know, that even though I don't write, I love you deeply and tenderly, and never forget what vast riches came into my life, because of and through you.

9657 Heather rd.

Beverly Hills, Apr 2.

Most dear Barbara;

Ever since you left, I've tried
to write you, but its been one of those periods
when 'everything' happens! To begin with, I felt
great remorse, for I know I mislead you when I
said you must count on me to be chauffeur. It was
my ardent heart, rather than an acceptance that
made me speak out before, as my Mother always
said - count ten! But when I realized the distances
you'd be traversing, I knew it would be unfair to
you, as well as real stress for me to attempt that
much driving. Anyway, it did work for you, and-
seeing that it was working, I put my head in the sand
and said nothing, -shame on me! I have not yet over
come a kind of humiliation that anything could be
wrong with me, Its now a week later. To thank
continue that last sentence, I must learn the lesson
of humility and acceptance, which I often fondly
tell myself I have already learned, and then find
out its been words, and not conduct!

I was so delighted with Lloyd-
you know, I was quite frightened of him for years-
but seeing him out here this time, so warm, so inter-
ested, and really so fond (I felt) - gave me no end
of pleasure. And you my darling were more beautiful
than you've been in years, for as you know in all
these decades I never never weary of looking at
your patrician face without joy. And also you were
so much more, well what - I cant say serene for you
ha e always given the impression of serenity even
when you were not - but perhaps a feeling of a sort
of accommodation to the unaccomedatable ('new word?')
Repose is perhaps what I'm feeling for - an inner
repose, which has nothing to do with outer
control..

I went to hear Dr HanSuyin the other
day, with old China friends, and we were all so irate.
A beautiful brilliant, fascinating, devious, and
I think, menacing woman. Jennifer was in her 'MAny
Spangledred Thing' film, remember, so I'm taking Dr.
Han and her very very dark Indian husband up there
on Sat. for tea, as they have never met.

David called me the other night from Honolulu- en route back to N.Y. from Vietnam-but as always, he gave me no hint of what he saw, felt, or expects to do- other than send a team there to explore the economic reconditioning problems. He said he'd felt so close to you, at that party, having known so much of you from me, ever so many years. My reservoir of memories contains so much from our youth, his and mine, we were always the two in the family who were in dissension against the family-we helped each other break away, we'd sit for hours pondering on our disbelief and of course, our 'ideals'....

Oh you should see my NEW housekeeper- half Bulgarian, half Greek, right out of that bordello in Neveron Sunday'. A great character- the house is full of song and laughter, AND stuffed grapeleaves etc! The last one was a monster, cried because I didn't praise her enough!

You'll let me know if ever I can do anything for you out here, though I cant imagine what, but wish there were... Come again soon- do do try to- its such a pity that the most cherished things have to slip past us, because of time and distance and tasks.. I love you so dearly.

9657 Heather rd.
Beverly Hills.

Darling;

Forgive me for such a brief note, and I'm using carbons, which is beyond forgiveness. But there is so little time, and I want to make the first step! I'll finally come to N.Y. between Jan 6 and then I think, and don't yet know where I shall be, so will you write me here to say if you will be there when I arrive. I'm counting the seconds, and can't wait.

LOVELOVE, Bernard

Angel, I'm just sending these out, as fair warning. It's been so appallingly bad here for so long that I think I'd have perished, had I not had this chance, David, bless his heart- sent me a ticket!! Tell everyone- and any number of fatted calves will be gratefully accepted! It feels like a new life. I HOPE I shall get to see Dr. Portnoy, whose help, to me before he was incomparable. And, I NEED it... My darling, my darling, how happy I shall be to see you.

bernardine szold fritz

8170 Laurel View Dr.

phone
(Gladstone 9217)

Barbara darling; I have thought of you so very much these last days- wondering and wondering how you are. I hear so little from you or of you- but you never were very good at writing- and though I don't mind not having letters 'answered'- when you don't write for so long it makes a kind of impasse .... Chester is in Mexico as you must know from Monroe- he seems to be having a beautiful holiday. Its nearly 11 years since I took off from Paris for Dairen- I don't know what I thought it would be like 11 years from then, indeed I didn't 'think'- but its turned out so strangely. ... Coulnst you and Lloyd come out for a visit while Chester is here- he is so fond of you- and we would both love to have you. It is such a lovely climate here-- and such beautiful country and you don't know this part of California do you? Do thinkit over and if you're planning to go somewhere before long-- do consider coming here..

Dicky Halliday's marriage yesterday was such a nice surprise. I had talked to him Fri. and on Sat. the imp got married. She said to Mary at 5 A M as they were returning from Las Vegas- 'I cant wait to hear what bernardine will say'. bernardine was speechless for once.... Rosemary should be back in N.Y. now- she was quite ill and the doctor sent her to Florida for a month. I do so wish I could watch over her for a time- but of course she'd hate it, and there is nothing I can do after all, except perhaps see that she gets proper food.. She hasn't been well all year and her lungs always worry me... I've been working very hard, even sold a story to M G M that I adapted from a french story- that was fun-- and otherwise I spin around as always, terrific commotion and not much to show for it. Do writeme sweetn and if you can, do try to come out. I shall always love you in a very special special way, different from anyone else-- and be grateful for your sweetness to me... You know that dont you?

Your devoted

Darling Bobby I rather hope you didn't get my letter to Singapore, for the plans have changed for the better since then. For in my note I said I should put you both up around the corner, for reasons that don't matter now, and have you here all day--but it is much better now, for you will stay here in the house, and Monie will have to stay around the corner, to sleep only, and come here at dawn and stay until bedtime, that is whenever your engagements and plans permit... I think I could put Monie up, but it would have to be so improvised that he wouldn't be comfortable, but I've got it all arranged now to have him almost next door, so I hope he won't mind or be vexed. We are going to build a little penthouse on the roof in the spring with just a small suite for guests, and then there will be no more problems.

Im so glad it is Sunday for C and I can both meet you, I really cant believe that it will be one week from today. I have been afraid to make too many plans for you knowing how busy u you will be with the Great Work- I have a tiffin on Monday, one on Tues arranged with Chinese who may help- on Friday there will be a tiffin for you with women, not Monie and he can go with Chester or with Harold Acton who is here, or Tibor whom he knows, or whatever he likes- Sat night the loth I shall have a large buffet dinner here, with many of my prettiest Chinese girl friends and their husbands etc., Thurs night the 8th Ill have most of the hunting people and those you know for cocktails. That is all that is planned, except for several other conferences with Chinese friends, wh ch can be arranged whenever you like. I have several people working now on ideas and trying to get things started.. Things move slowly. .... It is such a brilliant idea; The Baroness left yesterday with the Flood relief expedition foraw fortnight and hopes to get back soon after you arrive: She says A Mrs Mohr on your boat is very nice. If you like her ask her and her husband to come to dine Sat night the tenth. If you want anyone from the boat to cocktails the 9th, ask them also, I enclose a card for Sir V.

THE CLOISTERS

62 ROUTE DE BOISSEZON
SHANGHAI

“arling Bobby-’ every little news for you though I thought I should have some. B came in for about a quarter of an hour’ s talk last week, he came the last day he was in town, so that he would not allow himself much time to talk about you I fancy,, he was agitated about his ’ work’ things seem -up in the air again and he said he had written you to Peiping and the letters had come back to him with the message outside that youd gene. “e said nothing more than the other time, except that he almost dropped over, when just as he was leaving I said, granted that all you say to yourself if absolutely justifiable, I ll tell you this, if you and B were here and came together and asked my advise I should say, marry at once.... He looked as if I had turned a somerseult in the public square,, really he said, no, really Mrs "ritz-- but how astonishing;; do you really mean that????? Then he went off saying, well, who knows what B will feel by this summer-- perhaps she wont even be in Europe if I go there, do you think so???? ... he is really a dear and this time I tried to pretend with him, that I d met a person like you for the first time in my life, and I swear it did make a difference--- I found my own self rubbing my eyes

Please tell "francis that Don Melian of Manila was just here and asked to have best greetings sent to F B H;; he said he d never knowb you but knew Virginia, he is still a great beau, but it hooks to me as if he were mechanically repeating old formulas that used to work, just out of habit,, although it is amazing how women melt all over the place when a man say s Ah,, so beautiful lady--

W ill you dear ask Beauvais to send me loo envelopes like the enclosed and to please put in a few samples of pneumatique note paper, and also ordinary note paper, without perforations-- mille thanks.

I wonder did you get a léoo franc cheque I sent ages ago for the Golden Lotus ? I’ it ever going to be published, or have they decided not to go ahead? “ave you seen Lizica I am ashamed that I ha nt a niver gown to sendher, but it was China newyear time and one couldnt get anything made;; As for the grey crepe dress, he simply ruined it, although I told him to copy it exactly, he made it about ten sizes larger, it falls off of me in fact- and has the shape of a gunny sack, I simply took the whole thing away as a n utter failure, and I cant have it done again as I havent any pattern since he didn’t begin to cobt your dress as it really is, aren’t they too

exasperating.

Monie says you are all going to Portugal, what fun, I don't think I've ever known any one before who went to Portugal, I remember from Rms roommate Marie Jose Pinto Basto that they have the most wonderful beaches. I am seeing Billy today for first time since you left, she asked me to tiffin alone , slipping in and out I suppose to evade Colette. I've been so quiet since you and I le ft-- I tried to explain to him in a letter but in vain I fear, how demoralizing shang hai s gay society is to me-- though why I made such a fuss I cant think, for it is a simple matter-- I like other kind of people better than I like these people-- and as I cant have what I like here, or at least not much of it-- I m better off doing other things.

Later, Inclosedis ME leading in Sailaway after Chester won the Beefstakes at the paper hunt races, My God when I heard I had to go out and lead in the pony I almost died, for I am scared to death to get that near one as you know, but Billy gave me a push of course, an angry one at that for she expected Jack to walk off with the race and as you can see by the picture C took it away at the last instant, which was terribly exciting, I had asked Billy Christian to buy me one ticket, out of lo yalty but he only bought a place instead of win, so I got thirty instead of 187 which the pony paid and of course everyone was furious that we hadn't tipped him off but of course C never dreamed he d with Imagine me,, really it was a strange moment in my life,

Never did I think I'd live to see the day when I'd be lead in race ponies around by the bit or haltar or whatever it is, it is a wonder said C that I didn't lead him inn by the tail for a all I know about the front or rear of a pony.

Billy asked me to tiffin yesterday and her conversation went something like this-- "ell well well, say here now B you know all about these things, of course I know aboutdogs and horses, but now about these nuns, now about all these nuns, you know, these nuns you hear about, well how is it they sometimes get babies, because you know, you cant get a baby if you re raped, you can only get a baby if you like what's happneing,, etc etc., Do you suppose she really IS that naive or she prete tends it in order to get more information-- she got it of course, by word of mouth and also I sent over my best book on the subject; you know, said she finally, I dont do this funny business because I like it, why I've never yet met ONE w woman who really likes it( I wondered at that, because most of her friends are constantly do ing 'it'-- ) but said she, got have some excitement you know, hot to have something exciting going on, well, if you aent riding, then you ve got to be sneaking out to meet a man or there s no excitement-- She really is a character-

couldn't

'take' having anyone honestly criticize my child. when people say they
don't like the way she wears her hair I agree because I don't either. O"
that she seems brittle- because she puts up a brittle front, and it's
just as well seeing what a young girl has to face in the world. But
the other things- no-- I simply CANT accept them. And I like to know
how she seems to others because I want to try to help her overcome
things that are wrong or trying... I still think Rm is right about
wanting to have a real try at the theatre before giving in to movies. he
has 3 agents at her- she was also asked to take a test for one of the
sisters in Gone with the ind- but we've decided she's best off at Pasadena
where she has worked steadily- since Aug- now she's in two plays one
in the Playbox and one at the Plahouse and she dashes from one to the
other. I keep thinking she must have offended Betty- they saw each other
about for weeks before they knew who the other was- and R M IS tactless
and not too considerate at times if she's concentrated on something- she
just barges ahead-and perhaps she hurt Betty- and that's unconsciously
antagonized Betty- because really her outburst was so violent, that it
doesn't seem possible it could be based on observation of R M as a poten
tial actress- only...

well anyway- I am ended you'll be out soon- don't
feel that I'm not going to be able to see Betty or anything- in fact, true
to form, I waited a bit and then wrote to her- telling her what I thought
about R M- and what others say- that she can take or leave -but after all
it's reasonable to suppose that I have other friends who are as honest
with me as Betty was- and I can dare take a few of the goodthings they say
as ballast against all the annihilating ones SHE said. Of course I DO
simply worship RM- she annoys me into tantrums sometimes with her stubborn
ness and all of that- but as for her character and innate fineness- I'd
stake heragainst the world.!

Please let ME know when you're coming. If by chance
the boys don't come too- wont you come straight to our house when you
arrive and settle yourself here before you look around and go on else
where. Please let me know darling 'rances. I long to see you. Your fond B

Feb. 22

Dear Madame Chesaux,

I haven't yet heard from you or Rosemary as to whether or not she will come, but I am simply assuming that she will. We are now in Siam and going to Cambodia and Cochin China, where we will spend the next three weeks or more, before going on to Singapore, then to Pumatra and Java. We have figured that it may be best to meet Rosemary in Batavia, or somewhere around Java or Singapore, and then all go on to Japan together. However, I will cable you about the first of April, and tell you when to have her start, and where she is to go. Then will you wire Glenway Wescott, la Cabane, Villefranche, A M, and arrange with him to meet Rosemary, she may have to go to Genoa if she takes a dutch boat, but he will have to find out all that.

Will you give Mr. Wescott the bill then for everything that you have spent, including vises tickets, etc etc.. and all of my bill to you which he will send on to me with Rosemary, or by mail. I hope this will not inconvenience you too much, and I do appreciate the fact that I feel you will not mind my asking it of you.

I take it that I may leave Rosemary's heavy clothes there with you. She will need her warm coat in Japan, for the weather there gets quite cold, and it may be snowing before we start back home although I doubt that, unless we are far north in China in the autumn. Cooks Singapore will be the address for everything. With most kind regards and warm affection,