#102

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

Jan 23 1918

Monday night

The youngsters raised such a time this afternoon that I got really waked
up ---

Their noise bothered me so I read for about an hour to keep from minding
them.

They were only playing ---

Quieter now.

I guess it's nearly 8 — they will go to bed in a little while

: :
: in spite of my asking folks not to come to see me --- and
asking them not to let them in --- three got past and came up.

Little Cooper was one of them ---

I was simply amazed --- She hardly exists in my mind at all --- so funny for
her to come to see me --- a picture of her small baby nephew --- a letter from France
--- her knitting --- what should she send Jack to read --- handles for a new
knitting bag --- story about a fire just over

You never saw such a flurry - made my head hurt.

Funny she remembered me --- I have gotten so that meeting her anywhere is a surprise
to me - "why yes, she is around, isn't she" I always think with sort of a start.

In between times I forget her existence.

So queer for her to come but I have a notion it gave her pleasure --- queer --- yet
not queer.

Two others --- at different times of course - till I sent down word to
Madam please not to let anyone else come up --- and I had the afternoon quiet.

With supper the girl brought a copy of the telegram you sent Mr. Cousins ---
He mailed it to me.

I couldn't make myself read it for a long time —
— it was phoned me before.
It's queer to think I've been stretched out here for three days now — not
even wanting to turn over. I'm feeling better though. My interest in things —
and it isn't so hard to write.

It's great too — to think I can stay in a room a whole week by myself —
and to have made up my mind to stay longer if I want to

: Goodnight
: The Age of Reason came yesterday

Some way — just the word **Reason** makes me think I won't
read it for a while.

I can't tell — may read it tomorrow — but
— I don't think so.

Strand has come to my mind often. Why can't I have just a little of the
strength that he has.

And the soldier that swung easily along down the street in front of me Friday
morning — The wind didn't blow him and it didn't blow me — It's amusing to be so
good for nothing.

Tuesday afternoon — nearly four.

Wonderful sunny day — like spring it sounds — birds and whistling boys
— the sun in my south window — others closed. They say it's cold out — I
haven't even looked out except at the strip of sky I see. The house has been quiet—

Have seen no one but Margaret and Madam — both only for a few minutes —
It's great not to see any faculty folks for a whole day — You can't imagine how
nice it is to be alone. I haven't done a thing till I started to write this —
I feel better — Maybe I'll get up tomorrow — Don't know — Have a notion that
I probably won't.

Only I'm afraid I'll forget how if I stay here too long.

stop for 3 months — that is — stop for the spring quarter.

If I can't do that —

That is — if I can't finish this quarter's work —

— why, I don't know

and I don't care anything about what happens —

— where I go or what I do or anything

else — If I can go to work next week ........ but —

I am a typically inefficient American — the kind you tell about.

No I'm not blue — I'm not even unhappy, I guess —

1-31-18

two, to be exact — lacking about three months — and letters crossed. Wasn't it funny — — — — and a cable from him this morning too. You see — when it got through my head that I had to take a vacation — I had to laugh — because I didn't have anything to take it on so I began to look around for cash. — — — — — — I was just even with the world — — — — — — it didn't bother me — didn't bother me at all — — — — — — if such a state bothered me I would probably never get myself into it. He isn't married that I know of — — — and anyway — — I figured that most any sort of a fool except myself could or would have some to spare — I don't even know what he is doing — building bridges or Govt. breakwater or railroad stations or raising sugar beets — I think I've heard some of those things but none of them may be correct —

— If I didn't remember that he doesn't like to get his hands dirty I would have said he may be digging ditches for all I know — — — — — but he isn't the ditch-digging kind. He loves comfort — and folks always like him — they used to —

Anyway he says he thinks he will be up in the States in about a month — and the cable says he is sending a check. It makes me laugh.

I'm going to write him when I get through with this and tell him to go and see you when he comes up — — if he comes.

I am feeling better today. Went to one class this A.M. No more today. I've given up my Training School work. I'd rather give up the other.

A letter from Elizabeth — two in one — very fine.

A long one from Strand.

I feel on the edge of something — as though something must happen. This morning while at school I went in to tell Mr. Cousins that I want the spring quarter off — but he was busy with the stenographer so I didn't stop. It's funny — I feel I might just as well tell him I am not coming back anymore — It feels that way. Isn't it funny — and I haven't an idea of what I am going to do — where go or anything.

Friday morning —

Yes — feeling better — going to get up in a little while.
I've decided
it's too perfectly disgusting to be sick — and there is absolutely no excuse for
anyone being sick in bed — I'm going to get up.

A letter from Claudie — so funny — The brother of one of her children
died so they let out school and all went to town — She seemed to be spending the day
trying to escape the funeral — scared to death — she never went to a funeral
and it gives her the "shivers".

And still it's funny to her —
— School is wonderful — the atmosphere — why it's worth creating she says and
the country is beautiful —

Last of all she said, "I haven't been writing to anyone —
what's the use when I can give one of these little children a three-cent lead pencil
and make him happy" —

And she weighs more than she ever has — 112 — Great sister.

Elizageth's telegram in the mail too — They phoned it yesterday.

I would like to go East — but it's too expensive just to please myself
that way — at first I didn't know — hadn't thought.

Awake in the night.

Probably more than half the trouble with me
is lack of real human folks —
I hate to go out and see the faces — mostly masks
— and I feel what's behind the masks and it has grown to be almost unbearable.

Maybe being shut up alone so long I won't mind them so much —
it's too expensive
to humor myself that way —

If I go anywhere — I ought to go wherever it's warm —