-10-

I HAVE BEGUN PREPARING FOR THE DEBATES. LET'S SEE....
POLAND HAS A FREE PRESS -- OR DOES IT PRESS THE FREE?
IT IS DOMINATED BY RUSSIA OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
IN FACT A FEW MORE PRESIDENTIAL STATEMENTS AND POLAND WILL
BE THE FREEST COUNTRY ON EARTH AND POLES WILL BE TELLING
AMERICAN JOKES.

LET'S FACE IT....IF WE ARE TO WAGE AN EFFECTIVE ALFALFA
CAMPAIGN TO WIN THE OVAL OFFICE, WE MUST FIRST ASSESS
THE OPPOSITION. WHO WILL RUN AGAINST ME? ON THE DEMOCRATIC
SIDE WE HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT CARTER CAN'T COPE. BUT YOU CAN'T
ALWAYS BELIEVE BOB BYRD WHO WOULD SAY ANYTHING TO GET A
DEMOCRAT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. AND THE CRITICISM IS ALSO
UNFAIR. PRESIDENT CARTER HAS THE BEST RELATIONS WITH CONGRESS
OF ANY SOUTHERN PRESIDENT SINCE JEFFERSON DAVIS.

I HAVE ALSO HEARD THAT PRESIDENT CARTER IS NO LONGER
INTERESTED IN THE JOB....THAT HE DOES NOT INTEND TO RUN FOR
REELECTION, THAT HE PLANS TO STEP ASIDE AND SUPPORT WALTER

(L)

---11---

MONDALE. BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE WALTER MONDALE.
ACTUALLY I WAS NOT TOLD THAT BY WALTER MONDALE. I
HAPPENED TO OVERHEAR HIM PRAYING.

ANOTHER STORY I HAVE HEARD IS THAT EVEN WALTER
MONDALE DOESNOT INTEND TO RUN BECAUSE THE HOLIDAY INNS
AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH FOR HIM.
BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE JERRY BROWN.

BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT JERRY BROWN HAS A PROBLEM.
IF HE BECOMES A CANDIDATE HE MAY INSIST THAT THE RESULTS OF
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE ARE ANNOUNCED BY THE COLOR OF SMOKE
FROM A CHIMNEY.

SPEAKING OF JERRY BROWN, CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MAY THINK,
JERRY BROWN HAS SEEN PRESIDENT CARTER MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST
YEAR. JERRY'S OTHER FAVORITE ON TELEVISION IS CAPTAIN KANGAROO.

ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE THERE ARE CONSTANT FEARS THAT THE
PARTY IS DYING. THESE STORIES HAVE NO FOUNDATION IN FACT.
THE YOUNG REPUBLICANS HAVE JUST HAD A TREMENDOUS SPURT IN
MEMBERSHIP WHEN THEY RAISED THEIR MINIMUM AGE TO 70.

-12-

AND THERE ARE IN ANY EVENT QUITE A FEW REPUBLICANS.
IN 1976 AT THE CONVENTION IN KANSAS CITY THERE WERE 15
THOUSAND REPUBLICANS. AND WHAT MAKES THIS FIGURE TRULY
IMPRESSIVE IS THAT FOR EVERYONE OF THEM THERE WAS ANOTHER
REPUBLICAN BACK HOME.

THE LIST OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IS LONGER: JERRY
FORD, RONALD REAGAN, JOHN CONNALLY, BARRY GOLDWATER, HOWARD
BAKER, BOB DOLE.

I HONESTLY DON'T BELIEVE JERRY FORD WANTS THE JOB
AGAIN.... HE IS ENJOYING LIFE TOO MUCH AS A PRIVATE
CITIZEN.... BUMPING INTO ALL KINDS OF NEW FRIENDS.

RECENTLY HOWARD BAKER HAS BEEN MAKING GREAT STRIDES....
IN FACT HIS STRIDE IS NOW SO GREAT HE IS ABLE TO STAND
ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PANAMA CANAL.

AS FOR JOHN CONNALLY, I THINK ALL OF US KNOW HIM
AS A SHY, RETIRING AND SELF-EFFACING PUBLIC SERVANT.

THIS IS WHY HE WANTS IT CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD THAT HIS PRESENT SPEAKING TOUR IS ON BEHALF OF *OTHER* REPUBLICANS. TO LEAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS HE HAS DECLARED THAT IF NOMINATED HE WOULD BE *RELUCTANT* TO RUN, IF ELECTED HE *MIGHT* NOT SERVE, BUT IF BEGGED HE WOULD TAKE IT.

AS FOR BOB DOLE, HE HAS ALREADY AGREED TO GO ON TELEVISION TO DEBATE ALL OF HIS OPPONENTS, BE THEY REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS OR MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION.

AND NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW DANGEROUS HAIR DYE IS, WE WILL SOON SEE HOW MUCH RONALD REAGAN WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.

BUT I CAN ALWAYS MAKE HIM SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. HIS EXPERIENCE IN ALL THOSE WAR MOVIES SHOULD NOT BE WASTED.

-14-

FINALLY THERE IS CHUCK PERCY, WHO HAS NO INTENTION
WHATSOEVER OF RUNNING.... BUT I PROMISED CHUCK I'D MENTION
HIS NAME.

IN LEADING OUR GREAT ALFALFA PARTY TO VICTORY I WILL
NOT YIELD TO THE EXTREME RIGHT NOR WILL I YIELD TO THE
EXTREME LEFT BUT I WILL CARRY EVERY ALFALFAN DOWN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD WHERE WE HAVE SO OFTEN FAILED BEFORE.

OUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WILL BE: "LET'S MAKE BILLY CARTER
A ONE-TERM ENTERTAINER."

MY CAMPAIGN BOOK WILL BE "THE BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

I WILL REFUSE TO CATER TO THE PUBLIC CONVICTION THAT
ALL POLITICIANS SHOULD BE PERFECT. AFTER ALL, IT IS HARD
TO RAISE A SON WHO IS PERFECT. EVEN MISS LILLIAN ONLY
SUCCEEDED 50% OF THE TIME.

FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY PREDECESSOR, ON
INAUGURATION DAY I WOULD LIKE TO BE SWORN IN ON THAT
SPECIAL BIBLE OF MISS LILLIAN'S..... THE ONE WITH THE ADDITIONAL
CHAPTERS JIMMY WROTE.

-15-

DURING THE INAUGURATION CEREMONIES I WILL ALLOW NO PHOTOGRAPHERS. THERE WILL BE HOWEVER ONE ARTIST DOING AN OIL PAINTING. IT MAY SLOW UP THE PARADE BUT HISTORY WILL APPRECIATE IT.

WHEN YOU HEAR MY INAUGURATION SPEECH YOU WILL THRILL AT ALL THE PROMISES I AM GOING TO MAKE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. HEALTH CARE....WELFARE....SHORTER WORKING WEEKS.... AN END TO UNEMPLOYMENT....INCREASED SOCIAL SECURITY.... LOW INCOME TAXES....WELFARE....A BALANCED BUDGET....WELFARE.... BUT DON'T WORRY, BEFORE THE SPEECH I WILL MAKE SURE I AM GIVEN IMMUNITY.....BY MY NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL DAVID MARSTON.

I WILL RESTORE MY NEW OFFICE TO THE PEOPLE. I WILL STROLL ALL THE WAY FROM THE CAPITOL STEPS TO MY LIMOUSINE. I WILL BE ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO GREET DISTINGUISHED GUESTS WITH AN HONOR GUARD IN ELEGANT NEW UNIFORMS THAT I BELIEVE ARE STORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT.

-16-

ON ENTERING THE OVAL OFFICE I SHALL REMOVE THE SIGN "THE BUCK STOPS HERE" AND RETURN IT TO ITS ORIGINAL SOURCE, THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.

I WILL ALSO TAKE DOWN ALL THE PAINTINGS OF WELL-KNOWN DEMOCRATS. I HOPE RONALD REAGAN AND JOHN CONNALLY WON'T BE OFFENDED.

AS TO WORKING CONDITIONS WHEN I OCCUPY THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT TOLERATE THE CONSTANT PLAYING OF CLASSICAL MUSIC, FOR ON A RECENT VISIT TO THE WHITE HOUSE I NOTICED THE SELECTIONS ARE IN HARMONY WITH THE ADMINISTRATION'S LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENTS. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE POPULARITY OF THE UNFINISHED SYMPHONY.

WHEN I TAKE OFFICE EACH DAY THERE WILL BE FLAGS FLYING, BANDS PLAYING, PARADES, POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE....AFTER WHICH I SHALL SHOWER AND GO DOWN TO BREAKFAST.

I WANT TO JUDGED NOT BY WHAT I DO BUT HOW I EXPLAIN IT IN A BACKGROUNDER.

-17-

I WILL _OF COURSE_ SET MY PRIORITIES TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE FOR THE COUNTRY. _IHAT_ IN ITSELF WILL BE A CHANGE -- HAVING PRIORITIES.

IN THIS REGARD, IMMEDIATELY UPON INAUGURATION, I SHALL
MOVE DECISIVELY TO REINSTATE THE USE OF HARD LIQUOR IN THE
WHITE HOUSE. NOT ONLY WILL I SERVE MARTINIS BUT IN THE TRUE
ALFALFA TRADITION I SHALL DEDUCT THEM.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE I PLAN
TO MEET WITH MEMBERS OF THE PRESENT ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE
EACH OF THEM REPORT TO ME IN DETAIL ALL OF THEIR ACCOMPLISH-
MENTS IN THE ENERGY FIELD, WHICH MEANS THAT I SHOULD BE BACK
ON THE REVIEWING STAND IN TIME TO SEE THE ALABAMA FLOAT PASS
BY.

I AGREE THAT THE ENERGY CRISIS IS THE MORAL EQUIVALENT
OF WAR. BUT THE WAY WE ARE FACING IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE
ALREADY AT APPOMATOX.

-18-

AS FOR THE NATION'S FINANCES, HERE IS MY PLAN. FIRST
EVERY AMERICAN SENDS ME A $50 REBATE; THEN I INVEST IT IN
GEORGIA BANK SHARES; THEN I SELL THEM TO SAUDI ARABIA AT
TWICE THE MARKET PRICE, AND RETURN THE PROFIT TO THE
TREASURY. IF WE CAN KEEP THIS UP FOR EIGHT YEARS WE WILL
OWN SAUDI ARABIA AND KING KHALID WILL OWN GEORGIA.

I WILL DO AWAY WITH ALL TAX DEDUCTIONS, EXCEPT OF
COURSE THOSE DEDUCTIONS WHICH BENEFIT THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE THE MOST.....HONORARIUMS FOR SPEECHES AND ANY INCOME
DERIVED FROM THE PUBLICATION OF ONE'S MEMOIRS.

FOREIGN POLICY WILL BE MY MAIN AREA OF CONCENTRATION.

I INTEND TO BUILD ON THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION, AS SOON AS ZBIG BRIEFS ME ON WHAT THEY ARE.

AS FOR THE MIDDLE EAST, I HAVE REMAINED IN CLOSE PERSONAL
TOUCH WITH THE PRINCIPALS.....ONLY THIS MORNING I RECEIVED
A LETTER FROM ANWAR SADAT THANKING ME AGAIN FOR DEMANDING TIME
MAGAZINE TAKE ME OFF THE COVER AND NAME HIM MAN OF THE YEAR.

-19-

I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF THE SALT TALKS RIGHT AWAY. I WILL HAVE A SWEEPING NEW PLAN, AND IN ANTICIPATION OF BREZHNEV'S REACTION, I HAVE PREPARED A SWEEPING NEW FALL-BACK POSITION.

SPEAKING OF THE SALT AGREEMENT, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE CONGRESS WILL TURN TO IT AS SOON AS IT COMPLETES THE ENERGY BILL AND THE PANAMA DEBATE. THAT SHOULD CERTAINLY PEP UP OUR TRICENTENNIAL CELEBRATION.

I WILL LEAD THE CRUSADE TO UPGRADE THE MORALITY OF OUR NATION. SEX AND VIOLENCE HAVE NO PLACE ON TELEVISION..... LET'S KEEP THEM IN THE HOME WHERE THEY BELONG.

I WILL MOVE QUICKLY ON TWO BOLD FRONTS.

FIRST, I WILL STREAMLINE OUR GOVERNMENT BY REDUCING THE 1900 GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENTS TO ONE.

SECOND, -- AND I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN PROMISED OFTEN -- I HAVE A PROGRAM WHICH I AM ANNOUNCING NOW FOR REDUCING THE SIZE OF THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF. NO ONE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE