to anyone looking on — he sat there cutting at the sole of his shoe with his
knife.

I went upstairs to get a paper — flopped in a chair when I came down and
he began dancing around —— walking the floor —— pawing the air

both of us raring at the War.

He stopped at the window — face red, eyes shining —

"Look out here — I'm
getting just as excited as you are — You'll have me going full tilt in a minute."

His trying to reason with me about keeping quiet — and we would both
laugh.

When he was leaving he remarked — Well you better not talk to anyone else
today —

- you are not exactly fit to —

Paul says he has gone up to the Lake — into the snow — to go skating.

I feel sick for whiteness — and stillness — and a human touch that would
quiet me — dark green pine trees...

Clean things, as he puts it

The queer feeling way back in me that almost makes me hate living is
a notion that it would be great to be crazy — and I can't let myself — so
I sort of hate living.

I have laughed much at supper and afterwards — A poor old lady phoned me
to come and see her —— Wanted to sell me her dead daughter's paints — Gosh
— I could hardly keep from screaming — She is going to sew for me — I
don't know what — but something. The daughter died years ago — I couldn't
bear to take them from her —— she had them all done up in paper and sewed up
in a sack.

Had a long talk with Mr. Cousins :
:
: Nice --

He remarked — You think differ-
ently from other folks — You may be right — I'd not have you a bit different
— but it's going to be mighty hard for you to get along with folks — The
ordinary run of men are just ordinary men and women and they don't think like you
do and they are very apt to misunderstand you — more apt to than not — They
don't think — and they don't want to think —

We had a great talk. He thinks
I'm queer — but he thinks too "You may be right" — it's funny. I like him,
you know.

(part omitted)

I haven't decided yet — whether I want to trust Camera Work to these folks
or not —

I hate so to think of folks' looking at it that don't really love it
like I do.

been great to me lately.

I seem to have been sitting here holding my pencil with both hands -- it's
only a little stub too -- for a long time --

haven't much to write

- just looking around -- so I probably

--------The days have been unbelievably warm and summer-like for a long time.

A wind tonight -- maybe it will be
cold in the morning -- Goodnight --

I forgot to tell you that my children were wonderful today.

I wish you knew them all.

Again goodnight.

#97

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Jan 8 1918

Saturday

Today --- seven more Camera Works ---

I was so surprised ---

— And I've looked at them all — the seven that came today —

three times ---

This noon ----- before supper and since supper -----------They are
really wonderful — — — — — make me sit still — a long time — looking
into space — — — — — wondering - wondering — — — — —

I put out my hand to reach for the one with your face in it — again —
then stopped — — — — — — no. I didn't want to look at it again —

— it affects
me like the printed pages —

I looked at them ----------- wanted to read -----------

— — — but felt I might scream if I did and I had to laugh as I came to the end of
the last one and realized that I had turned every page — smoothed down and
looked at every printed page — often looked some minutes at it — and in the
whole seven don't think I read ten words.

I wondered at my hand --- my left one as I saw it on the last printed page
of the last book ---

— and my mind wandered to the prints of my hands — I moved
to get up to look for them — No —

The other hand reached for the book with

you in a circle — I probably understand why the person put you in a circle —
I wouldn't have put you in a circle though—

— Then it seemed I couldn't look at you again anymore than I could read the
printed pages.

So I sat looking at the hand — then at them both — I've looked
at them often today — they have looked so white and smooth and wonderful —
I've wondered if they were really mine.

1-8-18

You know I am rather uncertain in my mind here
I may not last through till May

I'm going to try to last till after Summer School
Claudie will be back for Summer School to finish her work.

But it wouldn't surprise me if I just packed up and left most any day.

I feel less and less like a free white woman
The old brothers felt as though
I just surprised them a bit lately
They either had to abandon their professed religion or side with me and it didn't exactly go with their unthinking crazy way of haranguing about the war and naturally they didn't enjoy being jerked up

It was funny worried me a lot but it makes me laugh too

It's worth it it all is but it's mighty ticklish ground to be walking on.

If I didn't like it here so much I wouldn't even bother to jolt them
but I like it and I wonder what I like Isn't it queer that I like it here like it so much

It isn't any particular person except my children
The folks are really unimaginably stupid hopelessly ordinary.

Monday night in bed

I've been to Amarillo Lady Mac phoned to come up yesterday Had a good time it's like a moment's rest the change.

Lea made Dr. Mac get after my throat - He said after poking

me around some that he didn't know enough about it and took me to another man
As a result my arm is swelling up where he stuck it -

He said ___ Rest ___

I explained that I couldn't ______ then he said ______

Don't say a word you

don't have to ___ Don't do a thing you don't have to ___

That makes me laugh.

But my throat is really very sore

Don't worry though — I'll be all right.

Dr. Mac was not home for lunch — I didn't see him after the other man got through with me and talked to him — I'm to go up again next week-end.

No more car-riding — He didn't want me to come home in a car this afternoon but I came anyway

Mouth and nose both to be covered when I'm out in the

cold air — high shoes.

It's funny —

But I'm mighty tired — in fact I hurt all over — glad to be in bed.
— if tomorrow only wouldn't come.

Goodnight —

Dr. Mac said same as the other man in spite of the fact that he didn't know specially about throat — before he took me to the other man.

Dr. Mac is nice.

#98

Postmarked: Amarillo, Tex

Jan 14 1918

It's morning --- almost noon --- Saturday. I don't think I slept at all last night.

When I was in bed --- and the light out --- I began to wonder why you asked
that question about Strand ---
-- my head has been foggy this week --
it was some little
time before I recollected --
-- then it all came so clearly -- and so quickly

-- something I said to him -- and what I said grew out of something he said last
summer --
and he evidently talked to you about what I said -- and you didn't know
about the other and couldn't connect up --

and when I saw it all clearly -- what you
thought - what he thought and what I thought - I turned over in a little ball -- both
hands quickly to my face -- even in the dark --

Then I wondered

Walking as freely as we have on what is really and honestly
in you

Is it best

The folks who don't do it don't have to go through a
very vivid kind of Hell

Are they clever in saving themselves?

With me --- Truth must seem inconsistent --- Honesty seems like hypocrisy if one
doesn't understand.

Perspiration is running right down my sides --- Frost on my windows ---
a little. I am not hot or cold --- just comfortable --- I didn't go to school.

I coughed all night --- My chest hurt so I didn't dare go to school ---
My voice is in such a bad fix too --- I knew I couldn't talk more than a few
minutes without stopping completely.

: :
:
:

1-15-18

might not be any worse than staying home alone

: Told me doctoring wouldn't do me

any good no use to give me medicine still he gave me some he
is a funny old boy

: said he would like to pick me up and put me down in
a place where it was warm and sunny and leave me alone with only one pre-
scription Rest and don't talk

- Medicine won't do you any good

He reared around and made a great time As Lea said made me feel I'd die
if a tree fell on me

Goodnight I must go to bed he said I'd feel better in a week or
so then he would come out with the Rest talk again You've got it to do
whether you want to or not

- I laughed.

Goodnight.

I'm all tired

all over

Tired in my yead

all of me

The tired in my head is bad.

Next morning snowing out. I went to breakfast It wasn't snowing
then Sun was shining silver sparkling in the air. Little flakes just begin-
ning then.

I forgot to tell you last night what a beautiful new moon there was
- I couldn't sleep till almost morning coughed even in my sleep so it kept me
all half awake and I'm not going to work today this makes a week I've
missed.

1-15-18

When I got in bed — I wasn't tired anymore. I just wanted to scream —
— I could hardly keep from it.

Then I began to figure on the why of such a condition and what I could do about it —

Something must be done.

Since I've been sick and haven't gone to meals I haven't been able to eat much —
— and I began to wonder about coffee — a change from about six cups a day to practically none.

And I wondered if that mattered.

It made me laugh —

As if anything mattered.

And I began to go over mentally the well-balanced folks around me —

Why am I almost crazy and they apparently — in the same atmosphere —
laughing and talking and looking serious and shocked over —
— Oh, all sorts of fool things.

I agreed with the doctor — even while I laughed at him.

And I believe I agree more than ever now.

I feel as though I've lost my backbone and I guess I'd better get busy and find it.

Phone calling.

I've just about made up my mind to quit for the spring quarter — It begins in five weeks after this.

I may get back to work and worry along till then but I think that is about as far as I want to go.

— I don't know how I'll manage it or exactly how I'll do it but I have a notion that's what I'll do. — I fact I don't see anything else to do.

It's sort of like I was that time after tonsillectomy in N.Y.

— only it's different.

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then just when I began to dose one person after another waked me — coal — phone
— folks — more folks —

one after another straggling along, questions, and
nothing.

It doesn't matter.

In my half-dose — I was thinking — Something about me seems to have grown
— or changed — 10 or 15 years since I've been out here — Maybe talking to the
old sister who discouraged me so the night I first arrived — riled me so —
She was so nice to me today — has been sick herself — wanted me to sit on her
lap — I sat on a little stool beside her — Really a dear old soul.

Thursday —

I don't know what day I wrote this —
maybe Wed.

#101

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Jan 21 1918

Sunday morning -

I am up and dressed. Mr. Cousins told the lady who is doing most things for me — and who saw him last night for me that he is coming to see me this morning so I am up and dressed — otherwise I would not be up.

I guess I feel some better — anyway — I haven't been coughing so much —

I am sorry I've raised so much disturbance — still I can't be sorry I told you I was sick :

I am not going to try to explain details here — why delay and all that — partly others' fault — partly mine because I couldn't talk — and my head slips a cog every once in a while — I forget what I intend to do and simply don't think at all about the most ordinary things folks would first expect me to think of.

Then I looked at the telegram and didn't know what to say — Said I'd write and came home and to bed and was too tired to write.

It all made me decide though — that I'd stop work for a month.

However — I think it would be a physical impossibility for me to do anything else.

I guess I just didn't have energy enough to have the initiative to do it till I had to. —

To get up and say you are going to quit when there isn't anyone anywhere around to do your work isn't as easy as it seems — He is going to try to get the girl who was here before me — She is married — living in Kansas — He likes her — so do I — the most life in the least bundle I've ever seen.

So much for my job —

For myself —— why I don't know —— I don't seem to care ——

— maybe I'll care in a

few days. Lea is going to San Antonio for February —— and wants me to go with her :

: I don't seem to care —— Maybe I'll stay here ——

The lady who stews

over me most — almost made me promise to go to Amarillo tomorrow if I feel able
— to the sanitarium if I don't want to go to anyone's house.

I've just about made up my mind to face the music and go.

I've never been in a
hospital — it scares
me and I know they will
come and haul me out.

Don't you bother, though.

I'll wire you if I'm not all right as possible.

It's just I feel like nothing —— and my head —— If I'm quiet I'll be all right.

Night — Sunday

Mr. Cousins came.

Wants me to rest a week and see if I can't go back to school for at least part-time.

In the meantime he is going to see of Mrs. Hillery is available in case I can't go back to work in a couple of weeks.

Well — I just didn't much care one way or the other so agreed to do as he chooses.

The excitement — or something — made my head ache — I got in bed right
after he left and slept — like you sleep with a headache — all afternoon — folks
came when it was dark — Brought supper — I couldn't eat a bite — feel as
though I never want to eat again.

I'm not going to see anybody any more --- They make me talk and make me tired --- Have found a girl who will come and do the things I want done.

Measles and all the pestersome diseases are flourishing and they don't want the children to get them downstairs --- that makes extra difficulty but things seem to be better settled.

A page from Strand this noon.

Goodnight --

I'm too tired to write more but I know you are bothered.

I just wish I could feel that no one bothered.

Monday morning ---

Slept like a dead woman last night and feel better this morning --- Still going to stay in bed --- content just to be still.

(remainder omitted)