GRIDIRON

IT IS A GREAT HONOR TO BE SELECTED BY THE GRIDIRON
CLUB AS THE ONE MAN WHO CAN REPRESENT THE ENTIRE SPECTRUM
OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY ALL THE WAY FROM REAGAN TO CRANE.
THEY DID NOT HAVE TO CHOOSE ME, OF COURSE, THEY COULD HAVE
SELECTED ANY OF THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES, BUT THE
GRIDIRON MOTTO IS "WHY NOT THE BEST."

I HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED BY THIS INVITATION THAT I HAVE BEEN REHEARSING MY REMARKS IN FRONT OF A MIRROR ALL WEEK. IN ALL CANDOR I MUST CONFESS THAT WHAT I SEE NOW BEFORE ME DOES NOT BEGIN TO MATCH THAT THRILL.

ON THESE OCCASIONS I ALWAYS ARRIVE EARLY SO I CAN
CIRCULATE TO SEE WHAT I CAN PICK UP AND TO OBSERVE THE GREAT
AND POWERFUL IN VARIOUS STATES OF DISSOLUTION. I WAS MINDING
MY OWN BUSINESS AT THE RECEPTION WHEN MIKE BLUMENTHAL CAME UP
TO ME AND ASKED ME A RIDDLE: "WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
A TURNIP AND HAMILTON JORDAN." THAT NON-PLUSSED EVEN ME.

2

C4J

BUT BECAUSE MIKE WAS BLOWING SMOKE IN MY FACE ALL THE TIME
I DECIDED TO PLAY ALONG IF ONLY TO AVOID NICOTINE POISONING:
I SAID, "ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TURNIP
AND HAMILTON JORDAN." MIKE GAVE ME A MELANCHOLY LOOK
AND SAID ........ "A TURNIP IS MORE LIKELY TO RETURN YOUR
TELEPHONE CALL." SO I TOOK THE CIGAR OUT OF MIKE'S MOUTH
AND HANDED IT TO JOE CALIFANO.

IN RETURN JOE EXPLAINED TO ME HOW THE PRESIDENT'S
NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN WORKS.

THEY ARE STARTING OUT WITH 24 MILLION DOLLARS.....EVERY
AMERICAN GETS A DIME IN CASE OF A CATASTROPHE. I TOLD HIM I
DIDN'T THINK A DIME WOULD COVER SOME CATASTROPHES. HE SAID
THE DIME IS JUST FOR THE FIRST PHONE CALL TO THE DOCTOR. AFTER
THAT WE'RE ON OUR OWN.

I ASKED JOE HOW THE PRESIDENT WOULD DEFINE A CATASTROPHE.
WELL, FOR EXAMPLE," HE SIAD: "THE PRESIDENT WOULD CONSIDER IT
A CATASTROPHE IF TEDDY KENNEDY RAN IN THE PRIMARIES." I SAID
THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ILLNESS. HE SAID "YOU JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND POLITICS.

3

EYJ

SO I CONSIDER THE EVENING ALREADY WELL-SPENT. I AM
GLAD I INTERRUPTED THE WRITING OF MY BOOK FOR THIS OCCASION.
IT IS A SIMPLE BOOK. IT STARTS OUT ON PAGE ONE WITH: "I
WAS BORN IN THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT... ON THE PLANET KRYPTON."

AND IT ENDS ON PAGE 1300 WITH THE WORDS: "AND ON THE
SEVENTH DAY I RESTED."

IN BETWEEN I SPARE NOTHING -- THIS IS WHY ITS NEW TITLE
WILL BE THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS. I EVEN LIST ALL THE MISTAKES
I MAY HAVE MADE. THE FIRST ONE IS ON PAGE 750.

SO IS THE LAST ONE.

BUT THERE ARE MANY OTHER INTERRUPTIONS... THE DEBATE ON
SALT FOR EXAMPLE. I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT I WILL HAVE AN
INFLUENTIAL VOICE IN THAT DEBATE. IN FACT I HAVE BEEN SAYING
IT MYSELF... MAYBE THAT IS WHERE I HEARD IT.

EVER SINCE THAT NEWS GOT OUT, I HAVE BEEN BESIEGED WITH
QUERIES BY THE PRESS ABOUT WHAT POSITION I WILL TAKE ULTIMATELY.
LET ME TAKE THIS OCCASION TO ANSWER YOU.

4

IT IS NOT EASY OF COURSE TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO A DEBATE WHERE THE ISSUES ARE ALREADY DEFINED ALONG SUCH EPIC LINES. THE ADMINISTRATION ARGUES THAT SALT IS ESSENTIAL TO LIMIT THE ARMS RACE FOR THE SELF-EVIDENT REASON THAT SALT STOPS NO WEAPONS SYSTEM WE HAD BEEN PLANNING TO BUILD OVER THE NEXT TEN YEARS. THE OPPONENTS CLAIM THAT IT ENDANGERS NATIONAL SECURITY TO AGREE NOT TO BUILD SOMETHING WE HAD NOT WANTED TO BUILD ANYHOW.

SO I DECIDED TO GO OFF ON A NEW TACK. OR AS SCOTTY RESTON WOULD SAY TO VARY THE QUESTION.

I CAREFULLY STUDIED THE SALT AGREEMENT AND IMMEDIATELY A GLARING LOOPHOLE STRUCK ME. NOTHING IN IT PROHIBITS PUTTING MISSILES ON SNOWPLOWS. UNDOUBTEDLY THERE ARE SOME WISEACRES IN THIS GROUP WHO WILL SAY: "WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PUT MISSILES ON SNOWPLOWS?" TO WHICH I HAVE TWO REPLIES: "ONE, BECAUSE THEY WILL NOT FIT ON A SLED" SECOND, THE PROBLEM INVOLVES A FUNDAMENTAL ISSUE WHICH NOW THAT I HAVE TIME TO

5

REFLECT HAS INCREASINGLY STRUCK ME IT IS PRECISELY THE KIND
OF COMPLACENCY REFLECTED IN SUCH NIGGLING QUESTIONS WHICH IS
RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MORAL AND MILITARY DECLINE OF OUR COUNTRY.

IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF ADMIRAL STANSFIELD TURNER: "YOU CANNOT
BE BLAMED FOR NOT FINDING WHAT YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR." WHEN
YOU THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY THE LOOPHOLE IS SELF-EVIDENT. WE
HAVE FEWER SNOWPLOWS THAN THE SOVIETS, OURS DON'T WORK IN THE
WINTER AND ARE TIED UP GUARDING THE FARMER'S TRACTORS ON THE
MALL IN THE SPRING. SO I CALLED HAROD BROWN AND SAID: HOW
QUICKLY CAN YOU PROCURE 5000 SNOWPLOWS. YOU MAY BE FACING A
SNOWPLOW GAP; WHAT YOU NEED IS AN ICBS (BECAUSE BOB STRAUSS
UNDOUBTEDLY MISUNDERSTANDS LET ME SPELL IT OUT. INTERCONTINENTAL
BALLISTIC SNOWPLOW). HAROLD HUNG UP ON ME.

BUT I DO NOT GIVE UP EASILY. I REMEMBERED FROM MY DAYS
IN THE GOVERNMENT THAT THE JOINT CHIEFS HAVE AN EXPERT ON
LOOPHOLES; HE STUCK IN MY MIND BECAUSE HE DISCOVERED A LOOPHOLE
IN THE AGREEMENT I NEGOTIATED, THE ONE WHERE THE SOVIETS WERE
GOING TO PUT MODERN MISSILES ON EIGHT SUBMARINES THAT HAD NOT

6

[17]

BEEN TO SEA IN TWENTY YEARS. WHEN I EXPLAINED THE PROBLEM
TO HIM HE COMPLIMENTED ME THAT I HAD GROWN A LOT WHILE OUT OF
OFFICE. HE IMMEDIATELY ORDERED PICTURES TAKEN OF EVERY SNOWPLOW
IN THE SOVIET UNION. HE SENT ONE OF THE PICTURES OVER TO THE
STATE DEPARTMENT. THE STATE DEPARTMENT EXAMINED IT FOR THREE
DAYS AND NIGHTS AND FINALLY SAID: "IT'S A SNOWPLOW." NOW THE
COLONEL KNEW HE WAS ON TO SOMETHING BIG.

ONCE I HAD STARTED THINKING ALONG THESE LINES ENTIRELY
NEW VISTAS OPENED UP FOR ME. AS YOU MAY KNOW PAUL NITZE HAS
PROPOSED A SYSTEM HE CALLS MAP THAT WE DIG ABOUT 10 THOUSAND
HOLES SO THAT WE CAN PLAY A SHELL GAME WITH OUR MISSILES TO
CONFUSE THE COMMUNISTS. OF COURSE, I HATE TO THINK WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN -- AS IS LIKELY -- IF WE EVER FORGOT WHICH HOLE
THE MISSILE IS IN. HAROLD BROWN -- EVER THE WET BLANKET --
HAS BEEN LEERY OF THIS PROJECT; HE THINKS IT IS INCONSISTENT
WITH SALT TO DIG NEW HOLES. BUT I WANT TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN
THOUGH HE HUNG UP ON ME. NOTHING IN THE TREATY PROHIBITS
PUTTING MISSILES INTO HOLES WHICH ALREADY EXIST -- POTHoles FOR

7

EYJ

EXAMPLE. AND HERE WE HAVE A DEFINITE EDGE. I BET THERE ARE
MORE POTHoles ON WHITEHURST FREEWAY THAN IN ALL OF THE SOVIET
UNION -- SOME OF THEM LARGE ENOUGH TO TAKE HEAVY MISSILES.
SO I CALLED HAROLD AGAIN AND INSTEAD OF MAP, I PROPOSED PAM:
THE POTHOLE MISSILE. (I HAVEN'T FOUND A WORD FOR THE A YET
BUT LEAVE THAT TO ME.) HAROLD HUNG UP ON ME BUT THE JOINT CHIEFS
WERE VERY MUCH TAKEN WITH THE IDEA. AND THE COMMITTEE FOR THE
PRESENT DANGER HAS STARTED A PROGRAM CALLED POTHoles FOR PEACE.

AND, MAY I SAY LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, NONE TOO SOON.
FOR ONCE I POINTED HIM IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, STAN TURNER
HAS DISCOVERED SUSPICIOUS POTHoles ALL OVER THE SOVIET UNION;
SOME OF THEM RIGHT IN RED SQUARE SNEAKILY COVERED OVER WITH
SNOW BROUGHT IN FROM SIBERIA. AND SO I WANT MY GOOD FRIEND
ANATOLY TO KNOW THAT THE MAN FROM THE U.S. EMBASSY STANDING IN
LINE OUTSIDE LENIN'S TOMB IS THERE NOT ONLY OUT OF RESPECT FOR
THE FOUNDER OF YOUR STATE -- HE IS WAITING FOR THE SNOW TO MELT
ON RED SQUARE SO HE CAN COUNT YOUR POTHoles.

8

I THINK, LADIES AND GENTLEM, YOU GET THE DRIFT OF MY THINKING. AND IT WILL GIVE YOU A CLUE TO HOW MY TESTIMONY WILL GO. AS OFTEN HAPPENS AT THE END, ISSUES ARE REDUCED TO FUNDAMENTALS. IS SP MORE IMPORTANT THAN PS; SNOWPLOW PARITY OR POTHOLE SUPERIORITY. AND AS LONG AS HAROLD IS WHERE HE CAN'T HANG UP ON ME I URGE HIM TO CONSIDER THE MIRS AND THE ABP; THE MULTIPLE INDEPENDENT SNOWPLOW AND THE ANTI-BALLISTIC POTHOLE.

AND, SCOTTY, IF THAT IS NOT CHANGING THE QUESTION THEN I KNOW I AM DEALING WITH A ONE-PARTY PRESS.

IN ANY EVENT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THE ADMINISTRATION IS SO WORRIED. THE PRESIDENT WILL GET HIS SALT TREATY THROUGH THE SENATE AND SOLVE HIS ECONOMIC PROBLEMS SIMULTANEOUSLY.

SIXTY-SEVEN NEW DAMS WILL BE GOING UP NEXT YEAR.

THAT IS WHAT IN THIS ADMINISTRATION IS CALLED LINKAGE.

BUT I DIGRESS. LET ME RETURN TO THIS GREAT GRIDIRON OCCASION. FOR ME IT ALL STARTED AT A PARTY AT PHIL GEYELIN'S WHEN PHIL ASKED ME TO SPEAK. I AGREED BUT ONLY AFTER HE ASSURED

9

ME THAT THE DEMOCRATIC SPEAKER ALSO WAS ATTRACTIVE AND
ALSO HAS AN ACCENT.

I ASKED HOW THE TURNOUT FOR THE DINNER WAS COMING ALONG.
PHIL SAID, "FINE. TOMORROW MORNING I'M SENDING AN INVITATION
TO THE WHITE HOUSE INVITING THE 'LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD' AND
HIS WIFE." ZBIG BRZEZINSKI WAS STANDING NEAR BY, AND WHEN HE
HEARD THAT HE RAN OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID: "MUSHKA, WE'RE
BEING INVITED TO THE GRIDIRON."

PHIL WAS SO SHOCKED BY ALL THIS THAT HE STEPPED BACKWARD
AND TRIPPED OVER HAM JORDAN WHO HAD FALLEN ASLEEP TALKING TO
A SENATOR WHOM HE WAS LOBBYING FOR THE ENERGY PROGRAM. PHIL
SAID: "HAM, I UNDERSTAND THE PRESIDENT CAN'T MAKE THE GRIDIRON,
BUT DO YOU KNOW IF HIS BETTER HALF IS COMING?" AND HAMILTON
REPLIED: "YES... I AM."

NOW, I DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE THE SUBJECT OF ZBIG BRZEZINSKI
WITHOUT SAYING HE HAS GOT INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE WHITE HOUSE,
ESPECIALLY WITH RESPECT TO THE PRESIDENT'S INTEREST IN

10

REORGANIZATION. ......THE SECRET SERVICE IS REDUCING THE
DETAIL AROUND THE PRESIDENT. ZBIG ASSURED THEM THAT ON ANY
TELEVISION OCCASION HE WILL ALWAYS BE WITHIN TWO FEET OF JIMMY
CARTER.

AND SO HERE WE ALL ARE GATHERED TOGETHER IN FRIENDSHIP
AND GOOD SPIRIT ON THIS FIRST SATURDAY OF SPRING. I REALIZED
SPRING HAD ARRIVED WEDNESDAY WHEN I TURNED ON MY TELEVISION
SET AND SAW BARBARA WALTERS INTERRUPTING A ROBIN.

LET ME USE THE OPPORTUNITY WHEN SO MANY MEMBERS OF THE
PRESS ARE HERE TO PUT TO REST ALL THE RUMORS ABOUT MY POLITICAL
AMBITIONS. I HAVE NONE. I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT
HIGH POLITICAL OFFICE IS NOT FOR ME. FOR MANY REASONS.....THOSE
OF YOU WHO KNOW ME KNOW THAT I DO NOT LIKE FAME OR ADULATION.
I DO NOT LIKE THE TRAPPINGS OF HIGH OFFICE OR THE APHRODISIAC
OF POWER. I DO NOT LIKE THE LIMELIGHT.....AND I DO NOT LIKE TO
LIE LIKE THIS.

11

THE GRIDIRON IS AN OCCASION ALSO WHERE THOSE OF US FROM
THE GOVERNMENT IN EXILE PICK UP MUCH INFORMATION. I LEARNED
THIS EVENING FOR EXAMPLE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED A FEW WEEKS AGO
WHEN THE PRESIDENT ASKED STAN TURNER IF HE THOUGHT THE CHINESE
WOULD INVADE VIETNAM. STAN REPLIED "NOT WHILE MAO IS STILL ALIVE."

JIM SCHLESINGER WAS TELLING ME HE HAD THE IMPRESSION
THAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY DID NOT HAVE HIS MIND ON THE ENERGY
SUMMIT AT CAMP DAVID LAST MONDAY. WHY ELSE WOULD HE HAVE BEEN
WEARING A YARMULKE THROUGHOUT THE MEETING?

12

AND THEN WE HAVE HERE THE VALIANT FIGHTERS AGAINST
INFLATION. THE TROUBLEMAKING PRESS SPEAKS OF A RIFT
BETWEEN THE ADMINISTRATION AND LABOR; ESPECIALLY BETWEEN
ALFRED KAHN AND GEORGE MEANY. IT RELFECTS THE MEDIA'S
PENCHANT FOR MISREPRESENTATION. ACTUALLY I LEARNED
TONIGHT THAT KAHN AND MEANY ARE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS.
THE INFLATION CZAR CALLS THE LABOR LEADER GEORGE,
GEORGE CALLS KAHN GENGHIS.

I BUMPED INTO GRIFFIN BELL AND TOLD HIM I
THOUGHT HE LOOKED TIRED. HE SAID HE IS TIRED AND
HE'S GOING TO RETIRE AND GO SOMEPLACE WHERE I CAN
REST AND SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY. I SAID DOES THAT
MEAN YOU'LL BE GOING BACK TO GEORGIA.... HE SAID,
"NO, I'M JOINING THE STAFF OF THE NEW SPECIAL PROSECUTOR."

I HAVE ALSO BEEN TOLD THAT THE REPORTS OF TENSION
BETWEEN THE STATE DEPARTMENT AND THE NSC ARE ABSOLUTELY
UNTRUE. CY VANCE WAS ONLY PAYING TRIBUTE TO ZBIG'S

13

ELOQUENCE WHEN HE RECOMMENDED HIM FOR A NEW ASSIGNMENT.

HE WOULD LIKE TO SEND ZBIG TO CHINA TO EXPLAIN OUR FOREIGN
POLICY TO THE PEOPLE ON THE MAINLAND... ONE BY ONE.

CY HAS ALSO GIVEN ANDREW YOUNG A NEW ASSIGNMENT:

TO FOLLOW ZBIG AND REEXPLAIN OUR FOREIGN POLICY TO
THE PEOPLE ON THE MAINLAND ONE BY ONE.

YOU CAN IMAGINE: WHAT PRESIDENT CARTER GOES
THROUGH RIDING HERD ON THIS GROUP. AT A RECENT
NSC MEETING CY VANCE SPOKE AND THE PRESIDENT SAID,
"I AGREED." THEN BRZEZINSKI ARGUED THE OPPOSITE CASE,
AND THE PRESIDENT SAID, "I AGREE." MONDALE LEANED
OVER AND WHISPERED IN THE PRESIDENT'S EAR, "YOU CAN'T
AGREE WITH BOTH," AND CARTER SAID, "I AGREE."

BUT I DO NOT WANT TO IMPLY THAT THE PRESIDENT
IS INDECISIVE; HE HAS HIS OWN METHODS. YOU REMEMBER
A FEW WEEKS AGO... HE VISITED MEXICO. HE WAS
PUBLICLY CRITICIZED BY THE MEXICAN PRESIDENT, JOSE

14

LOPEZ PORTILLO. HE WAS THEN ATTACKED FOR MAKING NO REPLY. BUT HE KEPT HIS OWN COUNSEL AND WORKED THROUGH HIS OWN CONNECTIONS. I AM SURE YOU NOTICED THAT ONCE HE WAS BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE... MEXICO WAS HIT WITH AN EARTHQUAKE. BECAUSE IT WAS A FIRST OFFENSE IT WAS ONLY 7.8 ON THE RICHTER SCALE.

ALL OF THIS IS OBSERVED BY A HOST OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES. CONNALLY AND REAGAN ARE IN THE LEAD IN REPUBLICAN PREFERENCE BUT NEITHER HAS YET CAUGHT UP WITH HOOVER OR DEWEY.

NOR SHOULD YOU WRITE OFF JERRY FORD. BETTY IS AMBIVALENT. SHE LIKES PALM SPRINGS. ON THE OTHER HAND SHE HAS EXPRESSED THE VIEW THAT THE WHITE HOUSE NEEDS A NEW FACE. AS FOR JERRY, HE IS DEFINITELY AFTER THE CATHOLIC VOTE. WHEN THE NEW POPE WAS SELECTED, JERRY PUT OUT A STATEMENT THAT HE WAS GLAD HE WAS CHOSEN FROM POLAND; JERRY HAD BEEN AFRAID THAT THE CHOICE

15

MIGHT FALL ON SOMEONE FROM A COMMUNIST COUNTRY.

THEN THERE IS BOB DOLE EAGER TO PROVE THAT HE
CAN LOSE ON HIS OWN.

AND DO NOT SELL RONALD REAGAN SHORT; HE WILL NEVER
SAY DIE EXCEPT TO HIS HAIRDRESSER.

SOME SAY HE IS TOO OLD TO BE PRESIDENT. I DON'T THINK
SO. I'VE LISTENED TO HIS IDEAS MANY TIMES......
AND I DON'T THINK TWELVE IS TOO OLD TO BE PRESIDENT.

JOHN CONNALLY SEEMS TO BE COMING UP FAST. IN MY
VIEW THE FACT THAT HE ONCE WAS A DEMOCRAT DOES NOT
HURT HIM ANY MORE THAN IT HAS HURT SCOOP JACKSON.

AND THEN THERE IS MR. REPUBLICAN HIMSELF--JERRY
BROWN WHO SUFFERS FROM CLAUSTROPHOBIA--THE FEAR OF CONFINED
PLACES......LIKE CALIFORNIA. HE IS SO EAGER TO BRING
HIS MESSAGE TO AMERICA THAT WHEN I WAS RECENTLY IN ACAPULCO
I FOUND THAT THE VAST MAJORITY OF MEXICAN LABORERS WORK
MORE DAYS IN CALIFORNIA THAN JERRY BROWN DOES.

16

[vi]

INCIDENTALLY I THINK BROWN'S IDEA FOR A CONSTITUTIONAL
CONVENTION IS EXCELLENT. THOUGH I HAVE A DIFFERENT
SUGGESTION FOR AN AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION.

IF CARTER DECIDES TO THROW HIS HALO IN THE RING
ALL REPUBLICANS -- WHATEVER THEIR DIFFERENCES -- WILL
SPEAK WITH ONE VOICE: SHRILL. THEY WILL RUN ON THE
SLOGAN: THE BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

THERE IS NO QUESTION THAT THE PRESIDENT'S MIDEAST
TRIUMPH HAS COMPLICATED REPUBLICAN PROSPECTS--INCLUDING,
I MAY SAY, THIS SPEECH. SMALL-MINDED MEN OF COURSE
NAG AT EVERYTHING. THERE ARE THOSE WHO CRITICIZE OUR
GOVERNMENT FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND TANKS
AND PLANES TO THE ISRAELIS AND OTHERS WHO CRITICIZE
US FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND TANKS AND PLANES
TO EGYPT AND YET OTHERS WHO CRITICIZE US FOR SELLING
ARMS AND TANKS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES TO BOTH THE
ISRAELIS AND EGYPT.... BUT IT SHOWS HOW UNSOPHISTICATED
PEOPLE ARE ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY. WE HAVE TO SELL BOTH

12

[y]

SIDES ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES AND TANKS... AFTER ALL... WE'RE TRYING TO STOP A WAR.

AS EXPECTED THE COST OF PEACE IS HIGH. SO FAR WE HAVE CONTRIBUTED 5 BILLION DOLLARS. NOW FIVE BILLION DOLLARS MAY SOUND LIKE A LOT OF MONEY. BUT FOR THAT EACH CAN BRING TWO GUESTS TO THE STATE DINNER.

ISRAEL AND EGYPT BOTH CLAIM THEY NEED MONEY TO DEFEND THEMSELVES. MOST OF IT GOES TO ISRAEL. EGYPT'S SHARE COMES TO 14 DOLLARS AND 95 CENTS... TO COVER A SUBSCRIPTION TO PROGRESSIVE MAGAZINE.

IN RETURN, AS I UNDERSTAND IT, IF ISRAEL ATTACKS US, EGYPT HAS AGREED TO COME TO OUR RESCUE.

WHEN THE MAYOR OF CLEVELAND HEARD ISRAEL WAS RECEIVING 3 BILLION DOLLARS TO DEFEND ITSELF AGAINST EGYPT, HE SAT DOWN AND WROTE A THREATENING LETTER TO SADAT.

AS FOR ME I NEVER DOUBTED FOR A MOMENT THAT PRESIDENT CARTER WOULD SUCCEED IN THE MIDEAST. I SAID SO REPEATEDLY ON TELEVISION. UNTIL THAT IS, A MEMBER OF THE PRESIDENT'S PARTY CALLED ME FROM

18

JERUSALEM TO ANNOUNCE "PEACE IS AT HAND." THAT'S
WHEN I PANICKED.

JERRY RAFSHOON WAS DELIGHTED THAT THINGS WENT
ON FOR FIVE DAYS. HIS NIGHTMARE WAS THAT THE PRESIDNET
WOULD FOLLOW HIS FIRST INSTINCT TO PART THE RED SEA
AND BE DONE WITH IT.

IN FACT IT IS A LUCKY THING RAFSHOON WAS NOT
IN THE HOLY LAND TWO THOUSAND YEARS AGO. THERE WOULD
NEVER HAVE BEEN A LAST SUPPER, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE
LAST LUNCH TO MAKE THE EVENING NEWS.

BY THE WAY RAFSHOON AT THIS MOMENT IS OUT SEEING
WHETHER SOMEONE WILL CAPTURE THE MAYAGUEZ.

BEGIN IS STILL SOMEWHAT CONFUSED BY ONE
INCIDENT. AT ONE POINT PRESIDENT CARTER SUGGESTED
THAT THEY JOINTLY VISIT THE HOME OF THE SAVIOR. BEGIN
AGREED AND NOW AFTER THE SIGNING ON MONDAY HE WILL BE
ON HIS WAY TO PLAINS, GEORGIA.

EY

19

AS I CONCLUDE MY REMARKS ON A SERIOUS NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE AMBASSADORS OF ISRAEL AND EGYPT FOR THE VISION AND COURAGE SHOWN BY THEIR GOVERNMENTS IN MOVING FROM HATRED TO HOPE AND FROM THE CONFLICT OF DECADES TO THE PROSPECT OF COOPERATION. BUT IF I MAY BE PERMITTED TO BE PAROCHIAL I SHOULD LIKE TO TELL MRS. CARTER ABOUT THE GREAT PRIDE ALL AMERICANS FEEL ABOUT THE ROLE OUR COUNTRY AND OUR PRESIDENT HAVE PLAYED IN BRINGING MATTERS TO THIS POINT. OF COURSE WE ARE AT THE BEGINNING AND NOT THE END OF A PROCESS. AND MANY PROBLEMS STILL AWAIT US; BUT THEY WILL BE EASIER TO DEAL WITH AS A RESULT OF WHAT WILL HAPPEN HERE ON MONDAY.

THE SIGNING OF A TREATY BETWEEN EGYPT AND ISRAEL IS OF GREATEST CONSEQUENCE OF COURSE FOR THOSE WHOSE SUFFERING HAS EARNED THEM THE JOYS OF PEACE; BUT IT HAS ITS SPECIAL MEANING TO AMERICANS. FOR OVER A DECADE NOW OUR NATION HAS TORN ITSELF APART OVER THE INEVITABLE LOSS OF OUR INNOCENCE. IN THE LIFE OF

20

NATIONS -- AS OF HUMAN BEINGS -- A POINT IS NECESSARILY REACHED WHEN THE SEEMINGLY LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES OF YOUTH SUDDENLY NARROW AND ONE MUST COME TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT NOT EVERY OPTION IS OPEN ANY LONGER. THIS PROCESS IS NEVER EASY; IT CAN END IN DESPAIR OR IN REBELLION; IT CAN PRODUCE A SELF-HATRED THAT TURNS MATURITY INTO A SENSE OF INADEQUACY. BUT IT CAN ALSO INSPIRE A NEW CREATIVE IMPETUS, LESS INNOCENT PERHAPS THAN THE NAIVE EXUBERANCE OF EARLIER YEARS, BUT MORE COMPLEX AND ULTIMATELY MORE PERMANENT.

WE HAVE GONE THROUGH OUR PERIOD OF SELF-DOUBT. WE MUST EMERGE FROM IT WITH A NEW SENSE OF DIRECTION. THE DEEPEST CAUSE OF OUR NATIONAL UNEASE HAS BEEN THE REALIZATION THAT WE WERE BECOMING LIKE OTHER NATIONS IN THE NEED OF RECOGNIZING THAT OUR POWER, WHILE VAST, HAD LIMITS. OUR RESOURCES ARE NO LONGER INFINITE IN RELATION TO OUR PROBLEMS; INSTEAD WE HAVE TO SET PRIORITIES, BOTH INTELLECTUAL AND MATERIAL. WHERE

-21-

[Y]

IN THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES WE COULD JUSTIFY OUR POLICIES AS OFFERING FINAL SOLUTIONS OUR CHALLENGE NOW IS TO HELP BUILD A GLOBAL STRUCTURE TO WHICH WE ARE PERMANENTLY COMMITTED BUT IN WHICH OUR EFFORT CAN NO LONGER BE SUSTAINED BY ILLUSION THAT THERE IS A TERMINAL POINT. ANY ADMINISTRATION WILL FACE THE CHALLENGE OF DEVELOPING PUBLIC COMPREHENSION FOR A WORLD IN WHICH EACH SOLUTION IS ONLY AN ADMISSION TICKET TO A NEW SET OF PROBLEMS.

WHILE WE CANNOT DO EVERYTHING; WE MUST NOT TURN A SENSE OF LIMITS INTO A DOCTRINE OF ABDICATION. FOR WITHOUT OUR COMMITMENT THERE CAN BE NO SECURITY; WITHOUT OUR DEDICATION THERE CAN BE NO PROGRESS. NO ONE ADMINISTRATION CAN COMPLETE OUR JOURNEY; NO POLITICAL PARTY CAN CLAIM A MONOPOLY OF INSIGHT. OUR FOREIGN POLICY MUST NOT BE IDIOSYNCRATIC; IT MUST REFLECT SETTLED LONG-RANGE PURPOSES WITHIN WHICH WE DEBATE TACTICAL MEANS.

-22-

AND THE GREAT OCCASION NEXT MONDAY IS AS GOOD AN
OPPORTUNITY AS ANY TO DEDICATE OURSELVES TO OUR OWN
NATIONAL REDEDICATION.

AND SO, MY FRIENDS, I AM FINISHED. THE MOMENT
YOU HAVE ALL BEEN DREADING HAS ARRIVED.

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

Incomplete

[Y]

GRIDIRON

3/24/79

2

3

SO I CONSIDER THE EVENING ALREADY WELL-SPENT. I AM
GLAD I INTERRUPTED THE WRITING OF MY BOOK FOR THIS OCCASION.
IT IS A SIMPLE BOOK. IT STARTS OUT ON PAGE ONE WITH: "I
WAS BORN IN THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT.....ON THE PLANET KRYPTON."

SO IS THE LAST ONE.

BUT THERE ARE MANY OTHER INTERRUPTIONS.....THE DEBATE ON
SALT FOR EXAMPLE. I HAVE HEARD IT SAID THAT I WILL HAVE AN
INFLUENTIAL VOICE IN THAT DEBATE. IN FACT I HAVE BEEN SAYING
IT MYSELF......MAYBE THAT IS WHERE I HEARD IT.

4

5

[y]

REFLECT HAS INCREASINGLY STRUCK ME. IT IS PRECISELY THE KIND OF COMPLACENCY REFLECTED IN SUCH NIGGLING QUESTIONS WHICH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MORAL AND MILITARY DECLINE OF OUR COUNTRY.

head y/c/c A

IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF ADMIRAL STANSFIELD TURNER: "YOU CANNOT BE BLAMED FOR NOT FINDING WHAT YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR." WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT THIS WAY THE LOOPHOLE IS SELF-EVIDENT. WE HAVE FEWER SNOWPLOWS THAN THE SOVIETS, OURS DON'T WORK IN THE WINTER AND ARE TIED UP GUARDING THE FARMER'S TRACTORS ON THE MALL IN THE SPRING. SO I CALLED HAROD BROWN AND SAID: HOW QUICKLY CAN YOU PROCURE 5000 SNOWPLOWS. YOU MAY BE FACING A SNOWPLOW GAP; (WHAT YOU NEED IS AN ICBS (BECAUSE BOB STRAUSS UNDOUBTEDLY MISUNDERSTANDS LET ME SPELL IT OUT. INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC SNOWPLOW).] HAROLD HUNG UP ON ME.

6

ONCE I HAD STARTED THINKING ALONG THESE LINES ENTIRELY
NEW VISTAS OPENED UP FOR ME. AS YOU MAY KNOW [PAUL NITZE] HAS been
PROPOSED [A SYSTEM HE CALLS MAP] THAT WE DIG ABOUT 10 THOUSAND
HOLES SO THAT WE CAN PLAY A SHELL GAME WITH OUR MISSILES TO
CONFUSE THE COMMUNISTS. OF COURSE, I HATE TO THINK WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN -- AS IS LIKELY -- IF _WE_ EVER FORGOT WHICH HOLE
THE MISSILE IS IN. [HAROLD BROWN] -- EVER THE WET BLANKET --
HAS BEEN LEERY OF THIS PROJECT; HE THINKS IT IS INCONSISTENT
WITH SALT TO DIG NEW HOLES.] BUT I WANT TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN
THOUGH HE HUNG UP ON ME. NOTHING IN THE TREATY PROHIBITS
PUTTING MISSILES INTO HOLES WHICH ALREADY EXIST -- POTHOLES FOR

7

EXAMPLE. AND HERE WE HAVE A DEFINITE EDGE. I BET THERE ARE
CHENLOE FREeway the Long Island Expressway]
MORE POTHoles ON WHITEHURST FREEWAY THAN IN ALL OF THE SOVIET
UNION -- SOME OF THEM LARGE ENOUGH TO TAKE HEAVY MISSILES.

8

I THINK, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU GET THE DRIFT OF MY
THINKING. AND IT WILL GIVE YOU A CLUE TO HOW MY TESTIMONY
WILL GO. AS OFTEN HAPPENS AT THE END, ISSUES ARE REDUCED TO
FUNDAMENTALS. IS SP MORE IMPORTANT THAN PS; SNOWPLOW PARITY
OR POTHOLE SUPERIORITY. AND AS LONG AS HAROLD IS WHERE HE CAN'T
HANG UP ON ME I URGE HIM TO CONSIDER THE MIRS AND THE ABP; THE
MULTIPLE INDEPENDENT SNOWPLOW AND THE ANTI-BALLISTIC POTHOLE.

9

PHIL WAS SO SHOCKED BY ALL THIS THAT HE STEPPED BACKWARD
AND TRIPPED OVER HAM JORDAN WHO HAD FALLEN ASLEEP TALKING TO
A SENATOR WHOM HE WAS LOBBYING FOR THE ENERGY PROGRAM. PHIL
SAID: "HAM, I UNDERSTAND THE PRESIDENT CAN'T MAKE THE GRIDIRON,
BUT DO YOU KNOW IF HIS BETTER HALE IS COMING?" AND HAMILTON
REPLIED: "YES... I AM."

11

12

I BUMPED INTO GRIFFIN BELL AND TOLD HIM I
THOUGHT HE LOOKED TIRED. HE SAID HE IS TIRED AND
HE'S GOING TO RETIRE AND GO SOMEPLACE WHERE I CAN
REST AND SLEEP AND TAKE IT EASY. I SAID DOES THAT
MEAN YOU'LL BE GOING BACK TO GEORGIA.... HE SAID,
"No, I'M JOINING THE STAFF OF THE NEW SPECIAL PROSECUTOR."

15

16

THERE IS NO QUESTION THAT THE PRESIDENT'S MIDEAST
TRIUMPH HAS COMPLICATED REPUBLICAN PROSPECTS--INCLUDING,
I MAY SAY, THIS SPEECH. SMALL-MINDED MEN OF COURSE
NAG AT EVERYTHING. THERE ARE THOSE WHO CRITICIZE OUR
GOVERNMENT FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND TANKS-
AND PLANES TO THE ISRAELIS AND OTHERS WHO CRITICIZE
US FOR SELLING ARMS AND AMMUNITION AND TANKS AND PLANES
TO EGYPT AND YET OTHERS WHO CRITICIZE US FOR SELLING
ARMS AND TANKS AND AMMUNITION AND PLANES TO BOTH THE
ISRAELIS AND EGYPT... BUT IT SHOWS HOW UNSOPHISTICATED
PEOPLE ARE ABOUT FOREIGN POLICY. WE HAVE TO SELL BOTH

12

18

LZ

19

-21-

20

[y]

NATIONS -- AS OF HUMAN BEINGS -- A POINT IS NECESSARILY REACHED WHEN THE SEEMINGLY LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES OF YOUTH SUDDENLY NARROW AND ONE MUST COME TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT NOT EVERY OPTION IS OPEN ANY LONGER. THIS PROCESS IS NEVER EASY; IT CAN END IN DESPAIR OR IN REBELLION; IT CAN PRODUCE A SELF-HATRED AND THAT TURNS MATURITY INTO A SENSE OF INADEQUACY. BUT IT CAN ALSO INSPIRE A NEW CREATIVE IMPETUS, LESS INNOCENT PERHAPS THAN THE NAIVE EXUBERANCE OF EARLIER YEARS, BUT MORE COMPLEX AND ULTIMATELY MORE PERMANENT.

-22-

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

GRIDIRON

GRIDIRON CLUB DINNER

3/24/79

2

[Y]

SO IS THE LAST ONE.

4

IT IS NOT EASY OF COURSE TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION TO A
E WHERE THE ISSUES ARE ALREADY DEFINED ALONG SUCH EPIC
ES. THE ADMINISTRATION ARGUES THAT SALT IS ESSENTIAL TO
MIT THE ARMS RACE FOR THE SELF-EVIDENT REASON THAT SALT STOPS
NO WEAPONS SYSTEM WE HAD BEEN PLANNING TO BUILD OVER THE NEXT
TEN YEARS. THE OPPONENTS CLAIM THAT IT ENDANGERS NATIONAL
SECURITY TO AGREE NOT TO BUILD SOMETHING WE HAD NOT WANTED TO
BUILD ANYHOW.

REFLECT HAS INCREASINGLY STRUCK ME [IT IS PRECISELY THE KIND OF COMPLACENCY REFLECTED IN SUCH NIGGLING QUESTIONS WHICH IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MORAL AND MILITARY DECLINE OF OUR COUNTRY.]

head ybcA

6

ONCE I HAD STARTED THINKING ALONG THESE LINES ENTIRELY
NEW VISTAS OPENED UP FOR ME. AS YOU MAY KNOW [PAUL NITZE] HAS been
PROPOSED [A SYSTEM HE CALLS MAP] THAT WE DIG ABOUT 10 THOUSAND
HOLES SO THAT WE CAN PLAY A SHELL GAME WITH OUR MISSILES TO
CONFUSE THE COMMUNISTS. OF COURSE, I HATE TO THINK WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN -- AS IS LIKELY -- IF WE EVER FORGOT WHICH HOLE
THE MISSILE IS IN. [HAROLD BROWN -- EVER THE WET BLANKET --
HAS BEEN LEERY OF THIS PROJECT; HE THINKS IT IS INCONSISTENT
WITH SALT TO DIG NEW HOLES.] BUT I WANT TO HELP HIM OUT EVEN
THOUGH HE HUNG UP ON ME. NOTHING IN THE TREATY PROHIBITS
PUTTING MISSILES INTO HOLES WHICH ALREADY EXIST -- POTHOLES FOR

EXAMPLE. AND HERE WE HAVE A DEFINITE EDGE. I BET THERE ARE
CHASLES OF THE LONG ISLAND FREEWAY THAN IN ALL OF THE SOVIET
MORE POTHoles ON THE WHITERURST FREEWAY THAN IN ALL OF THE SOVIET
UNION -- SOME OF THEM LARGE ENOUGH TO TAKE HEAVY MISSILES.

8

9

I ASKED HOW THE TURNOUT FOR THE DINNER WAS COMING ALONG.
PHIL SAID, "FINE. TOMORROW MORNING I'M SENDING AN INVITATION
TO THE WHITE HOUSE INVITING THE 'LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD' AND
HIS WIFE." ZBIG BRZEZINSKI WAS STANDING NEAR BY, AND WHEN HE
HEARD THAT, HE RAN OVER TO HIS WIFE AND SAID: "MUSHKA, WE'RE
BEING INVITED TO THE GRIDIRON."

11

12

15

CYJ

MIGHT FALL ON SOMEONE FROM A COMMUNIST COUNTRY,

16 [Y]

18

[Y]

JERRY RAFSHOON WAS DELIGHTED THAT THINGS WENT ON FOR FIVE DAYS. HIS NIGHTMARE WAS THAT THE PRESIDENT WOULD FOLLOW HIS FIRST INSTINCT TO PART THE RED SEA AND BE DONE WITH IT.

19

20

[Y]

NATIONS -- AS OF HUMAN BEINGS -- A POINT IS NECESSARILY REACHED WHEN THE SEEMINGLY LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES OF YOUTH SUDDENLY NARROW AND ONE MUST COME TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT NOT EVERY OPTION IS OPEN ANY LONGER. THIS PROCESS IS NEVER EASY; IT CAN END IN DESPAIR OR IN REBELLION; IT CAN PRODUCE A SELF-HATRED THAT TURNS MATURITY INTO A SENSE OF INADEQUACY. BUT IT CAN ALSO INSPIRE A NEW CREATIVE IMPETUS; LESS INNOCENT PERHAPS THAN THE NAIVE EXUBERANCE OF EARLIER YEARS, BUT MORE COMPLEX AND ULTIMATELY MORE PERMANENT.

WE HAVE GONE THROUGH OUR PERIOD OF SELF-DOUBT. WE MUST EMERGE FROM IT WITH A NEW SENSE OF DIRECTION. THE DEEPEST CAUSE OF OUR NATIONAL UNEASE HAS BEEN THE REALIZATION THAT WE WERE BECOMING LIKE OTHER NATIONS IN THE NEED OF RECOGNIZING THAT OUR POWER, WHILE VAST, HAD LIMITS. OUR RESOURCES ARE NO LONGER INFINITE IN RELATION TO OUR PROBLEMS; [INSTEAD WE HAVE TO SET PRIORITIES, BOTH INTELLECTUAL AND MATERIAL.] WHERE

-21-

[Y]

IN THE FIFTIES AND SIXTIES WE COULD JUSTIFY OUR
POLICIES AS OFFERING FINAL SOLUTIONS OUR CHALLENGE
WORLD/
NOW IS TO HELP BUILD A GLOBAL STRUCTURE TO WHICH WE
ARE PERMANENTLY COMMITTED BUT IN WHICH OUR EFFORT CAN
THEY
NO LONGER BE SUSTAINED BY ILLUSION THAT THERE IS A TERMINAL
POINT. ANY ADMINISTRATION WILL FACE THE CHALLENGE
OF DEVELOPING PUBLIC COMPREHENSION FOR A WORLD IN
WHICH EACH SOLUTION IS ONLY AN ADMISSION TICKET TO
A NEW SET OF PROBLEMS.

KENNEDY
HOLE
UNIVERSITY
MAY
WE
ARE

WHILE WE CANNOT DO EVERYTHING; WE MUST NOT TURN
A SENSE OF LIMITS INTO A DOCTRINE OF ABDICATION. FOR
WITHOUT OUR COMMITMENT THERE CAN BE NO SECURITY; WITHOUT
WITTLING OUR FAITH, WE CAN DEPICT
OUR DEDICATION THERE CAN BE NO PROGRESS. NO ONE
ADMINISTRATION CAN COMPLETE OUR JOURNEY; NO POLITICAL
PARTY CAN CLAIM A MONOPOLY OF INSIGHT. OUR FOREIGN POLICY
MUST BE IDIOSYNCRATIC; IT MUST REFLECT SETTLED
LONG-RANGE PURPOSES WITHIN WHICH WE DEBATE TACTICAL MEANS.

TO IMPLEMENT THIS IS TO BE A CHALLENGE, AND THE DEDICATION TO IT SHOULD BE A HOLD

THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT.

-1-

Thank you.........I honestly did not expect you to stand
for me............I was hoping you'd kneel.

(ALTERNATE: Please be seated)

Mr. President, distinguished members of the Gridiron....etc....
I am honored to be selected by the Gridiron Club as the one
man who can represent the entire spectrum of the Republican
Party.......all of the Republican party....from Reagan to
Crane. They did not have to choose me. They could have
chosen any of the Presidential candidates, but the Gridiron motto
is "WHY NOT THE BEST?"

I want you to know I have worked very hard on my speech. Every
day of this week......for three hours I practiced it in
front of a mirror. And I must say I found that much more
thrilling than standing here and looking at all of you.

-2-

Since so many members of The Press are here tonight, I would like to begin my remarks by putting to rest all the rumors I have been reading about my political ambitions. I assure you I have none. I have come to the conclusion that high political office is not for me. For many reasons... those of you who know me know that I do not like fame or adulation. I do not like the trappings of high office or the aphrodisiac of power. I do not like the limelight... and I do not like to lie like this.

The nicest part about the Gridiron is the opportunity it presents to see old friends. And I have seen and talked with many here tonight. Only a moment ago Mike Blumenthal came over to me to ask if I could solve a riddle that plagues this administration. He asked me if I knew the difference between Hamilton Jordan and a Turnip. I said: "Of course... sometimes a Turnip returns your phone calls."

I also had a pleasant chat with the Attorney General. Griffin told me that this afternoon the FBI had intercepted a large shipment of Marijuana....5 tons of marijuana to be exact. He said they set fire to it...and at this very moment over 5,000 agents are trying to keep the fire going.

I am delighted the First Lady has joined us. For a while there was a question about her being here. It all happened a few weeks ago. I was at a party with Phil Geylein. I asked how the turnout for the Gridiron was coming along. Phil

-3-

said, "Fine. This afternoon I sent an invitation to the White
House to the "Leader of the Free World" and his wife." Zbig
Brzezinski was standing near, and when he heard that, he imme-
diately called home and said: "Honey, we've been invited to
the Gridiron."

Phil was so shocked by this answer that he stepped backwards
and bumped into Jody Powell who had fallen asleep talking
to Scoop Jackson and Arthur Burns. Phil said: "Jody,
I understand the President can't make the Gridiron, but do
you know if his better half is coming." And Jody said:
"Yes, I am."

Then Zbig had a brainstorm. He said, "Well, in that case
I'll ride over in the limousine with Mrs. Carter." Ham
told him he was sorry but all of the supporters of the President's
Energy Program were riding over in the limousine with Mrs. Carter.

Now, I do not want to leave the subject of Zbig Brzezinski
without saying he has done a great job....particularly in
permitting the Secret Service to reduce the detail around
the President. Zbig assured them that on any Television
occasion he will always be within two feet of the President.

And so here we all are gathered together in friendship and
good spirit on this Saturday of Spring. I realized Wednesday

-4-

was the first day of Spring when I turned on my television
set and saw Barbara Walters interrupting a Robin.

I congratulate the Gridiron on such a distinguished dais.
And particularly for including my good friend, John Rhodes,
who appear on the dais as a Token Republican.

John is excited about the Television Coverage of the House
of Representatives. He tells me that all of the Television
Cameras are remote controlled....as are many of the
Representatives.

The only problem so far in Televising the House was with
the Make Up man on the first day. He used <u>all</u> of his <u>talents</u>
to make Tip O'Neill look as <u>good</u> as <u>possible</u>, but when he
was finished, he was fired for <u>Contempt of Congress</u>.

And it is always a pleasure to see Stansfield Turner, who
assures me the CIA is running at full efficiency again.
The President recetnly asked Stan if he thought the Chinese
would invade Vietnam.......and Stan answered: "Not while
Mao is still alive."

Jim Schlesinger was telling me about spending all day Monday
with the President at an Energy Summit at Camp David. But I'm
afraid the President had other problems on his mind....it took
them 3 hours to get him to take off the <u>Yarmulke</u>.

-5-

Seeing Zbig Brzezinski again reminds me to clear up all the rumors of dissension between Zbig and The Secretary of State. As a matter of fact, Zbig asked me to announce....in *honor* of *Cy Vance*.......if there is a fire here tonight, we will all leave the room *alphabetically*.

Cy has just given Zbig a new assignment. He is sending Zbig to the Republic of China where he will explain our Foreign Policy to the people on the mainland....one by one.

Cy has also given Andrew Young a new assignment: To follow Zbig and reexplain our Foreign Policy to the people on the mainland one by one.

Naturally, all of these members of the Cabinet are concerned with the President's plans to reorganize several agencies and departments within the Cabinet. This time, Cy Vance insists on getting Foreign Policy as well as the State Department.

Although not a member of the Cabinet, I think Bill Miller is doing a fine job at the Federal Reserve fighting inflation. Although I was disturbed to learn that he has invested in a chain of restaurants with the slogan: "ALL YOU CAN EAT FOR FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS."

-6-

[Y]

Speaking of inflation, I spoke earlier with the Administration's Chief Inflation fighter, Mr. Kahn. He told me that despite what you hear, he and George Meany are on very friendly terms. On a first name basis. He calls Meany George......and Meany calls him Ghengis.

Of course, one of the contributing factors to Inflation is the demand of Superpowers for Guns and Butter. That's why Scoop Jackson is so adamant about SALT. Scoop says he won't vote for SALT until the Soviet agrees on his terms...... they give up guns, we give up butter.

I must say it is easier to view all of these problems out of office than it was when I was in office. My life is much more relaxed these days. I awaken at 6:30 and take a shower.......careful to save the water for my admirers.

Then I sit down to a simple breakfast.......one egg. However, before tasting the egg, I drop a note to the hen who was the mother of the egg and tell her how well her offspring has done in life.

Next I read Washington's favorite morning paper.......the Graham Cracker.

-7-

I usually turn to the Comics Section first to check on our new
Foreign Policy.

After that for an hour I take phone calls. Jerry Ford calls
me a lot... usually because he dialed a wrong number.

But I will tell you one thing about Jerry. He was very happy
when the new Pope was chosen from Poland... he was afraid
they might choose one from a Communist country.

Even the White House calls me sometimes. Just a few days
ago he called me from Jerusalem. Jody Powell asked
me how the Peace talks were being played yere. I told him
I felt very encouraged and that I felt there was no question
that the President's trip would be successful. Jody said,
"That's really why I called. The President wanted you to
be the first to know...."Peace is at hand." That's when
I panicked.

After my morning phone calls, I usually work on my book... or
as we call it at home.... STAR WARS.

As a matter of fact, he liked my 1300 pages so much, he
asked me to write a sequel covering my *second* day in office.

-8-

It's a very simple book. It starts out on page one with: "I was born in a house my father built....on the planet Krypton."

It ends on the last page with the words: "On the seventh day I rested."

In between, it details many of my memos to the President at the time. Including the one I sent him on Inauguration day in 1972 which said: "I foresee your second term as a fairly quiet one with no substantial changes."

But seriously, I do go into my mistakes in office. And I take them on one by one exactly as they happened. The *first* one is on page 705.

So is last one.

Looking ahead to the elections, the Republicans have a number of candidates. As of now, Reagan and Ford are doing best in the polls....second only to Dewey and Hoover.

Some people think Reagan will give up if he doesn't win the early primaries. I don't think so.....the Ronald Reagan I know will never say "Die"......except to his hairdresser.

-9-

Reagan remains strong because he stands for Republican Tradition.
In fact he is so committed to the history of the Grand Old
Party that he is promising another Depression.

Then there is Phil Crane. To give you an idea how conservative
Crane is....he calls Reagan a left-wing radical.

And John Connally seems to be coming up fast. I don't think the
fact that he once was a Democrat hurts him at all. It
doesn't seem to hurt Scoop Jackson.

I really don't feel Jerry Ford wants to run again, but
Betty keeps pushing him.....she says Washington needs a
new face.

But as of now, Jerry plans to sit out the primaries.....much
as he did in 1976.

I think we all must admire Bob Dole. He is running in 1980
to see if he can lose on his own.

Howard Baker has a tough problem. If he votes for SALT, the
right wing won't have anything to do with him. If he votes
against SALT, the left wing won't have anything to do with
him....putting him in much the same position as the President.

-10-

However, Howard Baker understands SALT will be a major
boost to the economy....67 new dams will be going up next year.

That's this administration's definition of *linkage*.

Overall, I think everyone in this room will agree there is
only one candidate who truly reflects *all* of the *principles*
of the *Republican Party*.....Jerry Brown.

I think Brown's idea for a Constitutional Convention is an
excellent one. Though I have a *different* suggestion for an
amendment to the Constitution.

And until that is done, I can tell you: "If nominated, I
will run. If elected, I cannot serve."

Now in keeping with the Gridiron tradition, let me turn
to the hunorous material....the Democratic candidates.
They can't even agree on a Convention City. They have
narrowed it down to 6....Dallas, Detroit, Minneapolis-St.
Paul, New York, Seattle or Philadelphia. President Carter
is holding out for Cairo or Jerusalem.

However, the Democrats have a great sense of humor.

Particularly the President. All over the country people are saying:

"Is he kidding"?

-11-

SYJ

I happen to know the President does have a great sense of humor. Recently Mondale announced he will visit his ancestral home in Norway..., and I don't know how the President was able to keep a straight face when Fritz asked him: "Mr. President, can you spare me a few days?"

As for the election, I understand if Mr. Carter runs, he will campaign on the same theme he used in 1976. He will promise

"a government as good as the people". Well, I just don't think the people are going to take that kind of insult from him or anybody else.

But I am not here to criticize the President... rather to praise him. No man has done more to revive the Republican Party.

Speaking of the revival of the Republican Party -- the membership of the *Young Republicans* has gone way up since they lowered the age to 65.

But there are more Republicans than some of you in The Press think there are. You must remember in the 76 Convention there were 15,000 Republicans in Kansas City. And for everyone of them, there was another one back home.

-12-

I suppose there will always be some who says the President
wears his religion on his sleeve. But I have only known him
to use his religion on one occasion. You remember a few weeks
ago..., he visited Mexico. He was publicly humiliated by
the Mexican President, Jose Lopez Portillo. He said nothing
in return. Instead he returned home. And once he was safely
in the White House... what happened? Mexico was hit with a
7.8 Earthquake.

Never underestimate the power of prayer.

Back to the candidates....there are many who feel Fritz Mondale should be President. The leader of that group is Fritz Mondale.

Whatever Fritz decides, I know he will not run for reelection
as Vice President..., since he yearns to return to public
life.

I honestly don't know what Teddy Kennedy's plans are.
Despite all the speculation, I think we have to take a man at
his word, and I believe Sargeant Shriver when he tells me Teddy
is moving to New Hampshire for his health.

-13-

No discussion of Democratic candidates would be complete
wit out mentioning Jerry Brown. I don't know how serious
a problem this is....but I am told Brown suffers from
claustrophobia. He feels confined in small places.........
like California.

I must say for a man who says he's not a candidate,
Brown certainly spends a lot of time traveling. During
the last two months the average Mexican laborer worked more
days in California than Brown did.

But no matter who the candidates are, I can tell you one
thing...the next election will see the most expensive campaigns
in history. Since 1976, everything has gone up. I'm
told the price of an Ambassadorship has nearly doubled.

Now to what is uppermost in all of our minds....Peace in
the Mid East. I look forward to the signing of the Treaty
tomorrow. And I think it only fitting that it will be signed
together by those men who labored so long and so hard to bring
it about about........They are, of course, President Carter,
Prime Minister Begin, President Sadat and Patrick Caddell.

I know as far back as Camp David this has been a trying ordeal
for the President. He is a gentle man. It is difficult
for him to be tough. As a result he sometimes appears
<u>indecisive</u>. One day at Camp David, Cy Vance came up with a

-14-

solution.... Carter said "I agree." Brzezinski took an opposing view. Carter said "I agree." Jody took the President aside and said "Mr. President, you can't agree with both of them." Carter said "I agree."

I'm told at one point in the negotiations, Cy Vance was given *complete responsibility* for the Mid East peace talks... but that ended when they became *successful*.

I know there are those who will criticize our government for selling arms and ammunition and tanks and planes to the Israelis and others who will criticize us for selling arms and ammunition and tanks and planes to both the Israelis and the Arabs... but as anyone with Foreign Policy Experience will tell you... we *have* to sell *both* sides arms and ammunition and planes and tanks... after all... we're *trying* to *stop* a war.

As expected the cost of Peace is high. Israel and Egypt both claim they need money to defend themselves. So far we have committed 5 billion dollars. Most of it to Israel. Egypt's share comes to 14 dollars and 95 cents... to cover a subscription to PROGRESSIVE MAGAZINE.

in return, as I understand it, if Israel attacks us, Egypt will come to our rescue.

-15-

When the Mayor of Cleveland heard Israel was receiving 3 billion dollars to defend itself against Egypt, he sat down and wrote himself a threatening letter from Sadat.

As soon as agreement was reached, President Carter told Begin he felt the Treaty should be signed on the very soil of the land where our Savior was born. But Begin said he didn't know how to get to Plains, Georgia.

However, serious problems remain in the mid east. Iran is unstable. We can't tell yet which way Jordan and Saudi Arabia will go. Whether they will cut off the 2 billion dollars of annual aid to Egypt. Sadat is worried. He says without that money, Egyptians won't be able to pay the rent on the new settlements Begin is building in the Gaza Strip.

By the way I was very happy that Ham Jordan was able to go along on the trip to Cairo and at long last to take a peek at the real pyramids.

Looking back over history, it's a lot better that Jerry Rafshon went to Jerusalem last week and not two thousand years ago. If he had... the Last Supper would have been rescheduled for noon and called the "Last Lunch... so it could make the evening news.

-18-

CLOSING SEQUENCE

And now, my friends, this completes my remarks. I am finished. The moment you have all been _dreading_ has finally arrived.

As I return to my seat on the Dais, I want you all to know how much you have enjoyed hearing me.

Thank you and good night.