-17-

I WILL OF COURSE SET MY PRIORITIES TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE FOR THE COUNTRY. THAT IN ITSELF WILL BE A CHANGE -- HAVING PRIORITIES.

IN THIS REGARD, IMMEDIATELY UPON INAUGURATION, I SHALL MOVE DECISIVELY TO REINSTATE THE USE OF HARD LIQUOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE. NOT ONLY WILL I SERVE MARTINIS BUT IN THE TRUE ALFALFA TRADITION I SHALL DEDUCT THEM.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE I PLAN TO MEET WITH MEMBERS OF THE PRESENT ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE EACH OF THEM REPORT TO ME IN DETAIL ALL OF THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN THE ENERGY FIELD, WHICH MEANS THAT I SHOULD BE BACK ON THE REVIEWING STAND IN TIME TO SEE THE ALABAMA FLOAT PASS BY.

I AGREE THAT THE ENERGY CRISIS IS THE MORAL EQUIVALENT OF WAR. BUT THE WAY WE ARE FACING IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALREADY AT APPOMATOX.

-18-

AS FOR THE NATION'S FINANCES, HERE IS MY PLAN. FIRST
EVERY AMERICAN SENDS ME A $50 REBATE; THEN I INVEST IT IN
GEORGIA BANK SHARES; THEN I SELL THEM TO SAUDI ARABIA AT
TWICE THE MARKET PRICE, AND RETURN THE PROFIT TO THE
TREASURY. IF WE CAN KEEP THIS UP FOR EIGHT YEARS WE WILL
OWN SAUDI ARABIA AND KING KHALID WILL OWN GEORGIA.

I WILL DO AWAY WITH ALL TAX DEDUCTIONS, EXCEPT OF
COURSE THOSE DEDUCTIONS WHICH BENEFIT THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE THE MOST.....HONORARIUMS FOR SPEECHES AND ANY INCOME
DERIVED FROM THE PUBLICATION OF ONE'S MEMOIRS.

FOREIGN POLICY WILL BE MY MAIN AREA OF CONCENTRATION.
I INTEND TO BUILD ON THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION, AS SOON AS ZBIG BRIEFS ME ON WHAT THEY ARE.

AS FOR THE MIDDLE EAST, I HAVE REMAINED IN CLOSE PERSONAL
TOUCH WITH THE PRINCIPALS.....ONLY THIS MORNING I RECEIVED
A LETTER FROM ANWAR SADAT THANKING ME AGAIN FOR DEMANDING TIME
MAGAZINE TAKE ME OFF THE COVER AND NAME HIM MAN OF THE YEAR.

-19-

I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF THE SALT TALKS RIGHT AWAY. I
WILL HAVE A SWEEPING NEW PLAN, AND IN ANTICIPATION OF
BREZHNEV'S REACTION, I HAVE PREPARED A SWEEPING NEW FALL-
BACK POSITION.

SPEAKING OF THE SALT AGREEMENT, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE
CONGRESS WILL TURN TO IT AS SOON AS IT COMPLETES THE ENERGY
BILL AND THE PANAMA DEBATE. THAT SHOULD CERTAINLY
PEP UP OUR TRICENTENNIAL CELEBRATION.

I WILL LEAD THE CRUSADE TO UPGRADE THE MORALITY OF
OUR NATION. SEX AND VIOLENCE HAVE NO PLACE ON TELEVISION.....
LET'S KEEP THEM IN THE HOME WHERE THEY BELONG.

I WILL MOVE QUICKLY ON TWO BOLD FRONTS.

FIRST, I WILL STREAMLINE OUR GOVERNMENT BY REDUCING THE
1900 GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENTS TO ONE.

SECOND, -- AND I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN PROMISED OFTEN --
I HAVE A PROGRAM WHICH I AM ANNOUNCING NOW FOR REDUCING THE
SIZE OF THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF. NO ONE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE

-20-

SIZE OF YOUR STAFF WHEN YOUR CHIEF AIDES ARE CARL ALBERT, BRYCE HARLOW, JACK VALENTI, AND JOHN TOWER. THIS HAS THE ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE THAT THEY WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LOOK UP TO ME.

NOW TO THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO WILL HELP ME IMPLEMENT MY PROGRAM.

I WILL DRAW ON THE ADVICE OF ALL THE EXPERIENCED MEN WHO HAVE HELD THIS HIGH OFFICE. JASON ROBARDS HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME SOME GREAT TIPS.

I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP BOB STRAUSS IN HIS PRESENT POSITION AS CHIEF OF STAFF, PROVIDED THE CIA AGREES TO KEEP HIS COVER AS INTERNATIONAL TRADE NEGOTIATOR.

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT BOB STRAUSS WILL HAVE TO GO; I CAN'T THINK OF A PRECEDENT FOR HAVING A WEALTHY TEXAS DEMOCRAT DEALING WITH TRADE AND FINANCE IN A REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION.

-21-

NEXT I WILL NEED A CONGRESSIONAL LIAISON OFFICER: HE MUST BE A MAN INTIMATELY CONVERSANT WITH THE WAYS OF WASHINGTON, HAVE A KEEN KNOWLEDGE OF HOW CONGRESS OPERATES AND LONG EXPERIENCE IN GAINING CONGRESSIONAL CONFIDENCE. I WILL NOMINATE TONGSUN PARK FOR THAT OFFICE.

IT IS TOO BAD TO SEE HAMILTON JORDAN AND JODY POWELL LEAVE JUST AS THEY WERE LEARNING THEIR WAY AROUND WASHINGTON. ONLY YESTERDAY JODY TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE ENJOYED WORKING AT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA STREET.

AND HAMILTON DESERVES TO BE DEFENDED AGAINST SOME RECENT PRESS INSINUATIONS. ANYONE WHO APPRECIATES THAT THERE IS SIGNIFICANCE IN ARCHITECTURAL MONUMENTS BEYOND BRICKS AND MORTAR CANNOT BE ALL BAD.

AS FOR MY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, HE MUST BE ABLE TO PRONOUNCE TECHNETRONIC, TRILATERAL, CONCENTRIC CIRCLES, AND PROXY WARS, PREFERABLY WITH AN ACCENT.

-22-

HIS FIRST ASSIGNMENT WILL BE TO PLAN A FOREIGN TRIP FOR ME SYMBOLIZING THAT MY FOREIGN POLICY IS TRULY GLOBAL. THIS OBVIOUSLY REQUIRES STOPOVERS IN TAHITI, BALI, ACAPULCO, AND A VISIT TO THE HISTORIC BEACHES OF THE FRENCH RIVIERA.

ACTUALLY, PRESIDENT CARTER'S FIRST WORLD TRIP WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL. SOME CONFUSION OCCURRED WHEN PRESS STORIES FROM WARSAW QUOTED ZBIG'S BACKGROUNDER AS COMING FROM A SENIOR POLISH OFFICIAL. JODY POWELL STRAIGHTENED IT OUT BY DENYING THAT ZBIG WAS ALL THAT SENIOR.

BY THE TIME PRESIDENT CARTER GOT TO BRUSSELS SOMEBODY HEARD HIM ASK WHETHER THIS STOP WAS SYMBOLIC OR SUBSTANTIVE. ZBIG GAVE HIM AN ANSWER THAT WAS EXTREMELY COLD AND BLUNT.

AS FOR THE UN, IT IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ANDY YOUNG BECAUSE OF ITS CONVENIENCE....THERE HE CAN INSULT ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD WITHOUT LEAVING THE BUILDING.

-23-

MY NEW DIRECTOR OF THE CIA WILL BE PROMOTED FROM *WITHIN*
THE RANKS OF THE CIA....WHICH SHOULD OFFER SOME HOPE OF
ADVANCEMENT TO JOURNALISTS EVERYWHERE,

POSSIBLY I WILL NAME MY BROTHER TO BE THE NEW DIRECTOR....
BECAUSE MY POOR BROTHER HAS A REAL PROBLEM. HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED TO SELL A BEER CALLED WALTER?

I WILL APPOINT GEORGE ALLEN AS SECRETARY OF HEW TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS MANY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE IN DEALING
WITH THE AGED, THE INFIRM, THE HALT AND THE LAME.

SECRETARY OF TREASURY IS A KEY ASSIGNMENT. REMEMBER OUR
FIRST SECRETARY WAS ALEXANDER HAMILTON, WHOSE PICTURE IS ON
THE 10 DOLLAR BILL. THEY WANT TO PUT MIKE BLUMENTHAL ON THE
DOLLAR, BUT IT'S SHRINKING SO FAST THERE'S NO ROOM LEFT.
THE OBVIOUS CANDIDATE IS THE CURRENT ATTORNEY GENERAL. THE
COUNTRY CANNOT SPARE A MAN WITH HIS INGENUITY AND HIS DEDICATION
TO ECONOMY. HE PROVED THESE QUALITIES BY ANNOUNCING THAT
HE WILL CALL PERSONALLY ALL CONGRESSMEN CLEARED BY TONGSUN

-24-

PARK. THAT SHOULD NOT COST THE GOVERNMENT MUCH OR TAKE A
GREAT DEAL OF HIS TIME.

SO FELLOW ALFALFANS YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT MY BACKGROUND,
MY PROGRAM AND MY APPOINTMENTS. I ACCEPT YOUR NOMINATION
BECAUSE THE RENT IS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I WILL NOW GET MY
"NO PARKING" SIGN BACK AND BECAUSE HAVING TAKEN OFF SO
MUCH WEIGHT THERE WILL BE ROOM FOR ME ON MOUNT RUSHMORE...

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IF I MAY TURN SLIGHTLY SERIOUS FOR
A MOMENT, GIVEN THE RECORD OF THIS DISTINGUISHED ORGANIZATION
THERE IS ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY THAT DESPITE MY QUALIFICATIONS
I SHALL JOIN THE LONG LIST OF LOSERS YOU HAVE NOMINATED
AND THAT THIS NATION WILL HAVE TO GET ALONG WITHOUT THE
LEADERSHIP MY FATHER CONSIDERS SO INDISPENSABLE. THERE
EXISTS THE POSSIBILITY THEN THAT DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS
SOMEONE ELSE WILL LEAD THIS NATION.

AND IN THAT UNFORTUNATE EVENT WE ALFALFANS WILL -- AS
SO OFTEN BEFORE -- REMEMBER THAT ALL AMERICANS MUST SEE

-25-

TO IT THAT OUR NATION REMAINS THE HOPE OF THE WORLD. WHEN I WAS A BOY LIVING UNDER A DICTATORSHIP, AMERICA ACQUIRED FOR ME A QUALITY OF HOPE WHICH IT HAS NEVER LOST. IT WAS THEN AND IS NOW A WONDROUS PLACE WHERE TOLERANCE IS NATURAL AND FREEDOM FUNDAMENTAL. IT IS THE COUNTRY WHOSE STRENGTH AND DECENCY AND COURAGEOUS LEADERSHIP ARE ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL IF THERE IS TO BE PEACE, SECURITY AND JUSTICE ANYWHERE. I HAVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD THOSE WHO USE EVERY IMPERFECTION AS AN EXCUSE TO ASSAULT OUR INSTITUTIONS AND VALUES. AMERICA, ALONE AMONG THE GREAT DEMOCRACIES, IS IN A POSITION TO PROTECT THE PEACE AND TO LEAD IN THE BUILDING OF A JUST WORLD ORDER. WHAT WE DO MATTERS FOR ALL MANKIND. AND WE CAN HAVE ONLY ONE PRESIDENT AT A TIME. HE REPRESENTS THE HOPES OF ALL AMERICANS. FREEDOM AND PROGRESS EVERYWHERE DEPEND ON HIS DECISIONS. IF HE SUCCEEDS, WE ALL SUCCEED, DEMOCRATS REPUBLICANS, ALFALFANS.

-26-

WE CANNOT ALWAYS AGREE WITH OUR GOVERNMENT. BUT AFTER
A DECADE OF TURMOIL WE MUST ALWAYS SHOW COMPASSION AND
UNDERSTANDING. THE WORLD NEEDS OUR STRENGTH AND OUR PURPOSE
WHICH COME ONLY FROM OUR UNITY. AND I KNOW THAT I SPEAK
FOR ALL ALFALFANS WHEN I SAY THAT WE SHALL ALWAYS DEDICATE
OURSELVES TO THIS END.

IN CONCLUSION MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, YOU HAVE MADE ME
VERY HAPPY BY INVITING ME TO SPEAK HERE TONIGHT. LIKE ALL
OF YOU, I WAS THRILLED TO HEAR ME.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

I WILL END THE CARTER ADMINISTRATION'S POLICY OF FIRING US ATTORNEYS FROM THE OPPOSITE PARTY AND RETURN TO THE NON-PARTISAN APPROACH OF THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION WHICH GOT RID OF THREE ATTORNEY GENERALS OF ITS OWN PARTY.

PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB, HONORABLE MEMBERS OF THE
DAIS,

I AM DEEPLY MOVED BY YOUR OVATION FOR TWO REASONS:
AS FAR AS THE MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION PRESENT
HERE ARE CONCERNED, I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO APPLAUD
AND SHRUG YOUR SHOULDERS AT THE SAME TIME.

AND FOR THE REST OF YOU: IF MY ESTIMATE OF THE QUALITY
OF MY TALK IS ACCURATE YOU SHOULD HAVE REMAINED STANDING.
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED YOU ABOUT 23 UPS AND DOWNS IN THE NEXT
FEW MINUTES.

FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT I ACCEPT
YOUR NOMINATION TO STEP INTO THE SNEAKERS OF JIMMY CARTER.

IT IS A GREAT CHALLENGE TO CARRY THE BANNER OF THE
ALFALFA PARTY WHOSE IDENTITY, PRINCIPLES AND IDEAS ARE LARGELY
UNKNOWN BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE....MUCH LIKE THOSE OF THE
REPUBLICANS.

I WILL TRY TO PROVE MYSELF WORTHY OF YOUR CONFIDENCE
KNOWING THAT I AM NOT YOUR FIRST CHOICE; YOU COULD NOT
AFFORD BILLY CARTER.

-2-

BUT...WE HAVE A PROBLEM. AS YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO SERVE AS PRESIDENT. YOU MAY REPLY: THAT IS NOT AN INSUPERABLE OBSTACLE SINCE SO MANY HAVE SERVED WITHOUT BEING QUALIFIED. OR YOU MIGHT ARGUE THAT WITH THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND THREE ASSOCIATE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES HERE ALL WE NEED IS TO ENROLL ONE MORE JUSTICE IN THE ALFALFA CLUB TO MAKE OUR OWN DECISION ABOUT WHAT IS LEGAL.

BUT I DO NOT WANT TO CUT ANY CORNERS. WE SHOULD DO THIS THING RIGHT. TWO SOLUTIONS HAVE OCCURRED TO ME:

TO MEET THE CONSTITUTIONAL REQUIREMENT OF BEING NATIVE BORN I COULD -- LIKE OTHER DISTINGUISHED PUBLIC FIGURES -- BE BORN AGAIN.

THERE IS ANOTHER POSSIBILITY -- FRANKLY MORE CONGENIAL TO ME. I AM SURE THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND HIS COLLEAGUES ARE PREPARED TO RULE HERE AND NOW THAT NOTHING IN THE CONSTITUTION PROHIBITS A FOREIGN BORN FROM SERVING AS EMPEROR.

IT WOULD BE HIGHLY APPROPRIATE IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR

-3-

WAY CLEAR TO GIVING ME *THAT* NOMINATION FOR IT WOULD ENABLE
ME TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY HERO, BOKASSA THE
FIRST.

YOU WILL BE PROUD OF HAVING BROKEN WITH TRADITION.
IT WOULD LAY TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL THE CRITICISMS OF
THE IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY. NOT EVEN THE WASHINGTON POST
WOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK AN EMPEROR FOR BEING IMPERIAL.

EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, JUST IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LOOK
IN THE OUTFIT BOKASSA WORE TO *HIS* INAUGURATION: A SEQUINED
ERMINE CLOAK WITH A 24-FOOT TRAIN AND A DIAMOND-STUDDED
CROWN. AND WITH ME THE OUTFIT WOULD *NOT* BE A ONE-TIME
EXPENSE. I WOULD EMPHATICALLY *NOT* WEAR IT TO THE INAUGURATION.
AFTER ALL, ONE DOES NOT COME TO AN INAUGURATION IN ONE'S
WORKING CLOTHES.

THE PROSPECT IS SO AWE-INSPIRING THAT I STAND BEFORE YOU
A HUMBLE MAN.

BUT GIVE ME A MINUTE OR TWO AND I WILL TALK MYSELF
BACK TO NORMAL.

-4-

(10)

DESPITE YOUR FLATTERY TONIGHT, MY NAME HAS BEEN
TAKEN IN VAIN BY PREVIOUS ALFALFA CANDIDATES. LAST YEAR
NELSON ROCKEFELLER STOOD ON THIS VERY SPOT AND SAID
"HENRY KISSINGER WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. WHY
SHOULD HENRY TAKE A CUT IN INFORMATION?" I HAVE FORGIVEN
NELSON FOR THAT.

TWO YEARS AGO ALFALFA CANDIDATE JOHN CONNALLY TOLD
OF HOW HE LIKED TO WATCH HENRY
KISSINGER
STRIDE MAJESTICALLY AS THE MARINE BAND PLAYED
"HEIL TO THE CHIEF." I HAVE FORGIVEN JOHN FOR THAT.

THREE YEARS AGO, FROM THIS PODIUM, YOUR ALFALFA
CANDIDATE GEORGE BUSH ACCEPTED YOUR NOMINATION. HE NEVER
MENTIONED ME AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE GEORGE FOR THAT.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY TO
SEEK TO REPLACE SUCH A YOUNG ADMINISTRATION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE THE HIGHEST RESPECT FOR THE
INCUMBENT PRESIDENT....ON THURSDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT CARTER