FIRST NUMBER: "SOLICITING SUBSCRIPTIONS"

At rise:

Three men are pacing the back cur-
tains, turn towards the audience as
they begin.

All Three
We bring drama to your great metrop_olis
We are the little theatre group.
Each of us has built a small acropolis
To hold our little theatre troup.
We'll be very glad to meet you
to greet you
to seat you
And treat you just great
Help us save the art of your cosmopolis
If you'll be one of us
Each son of us
Will welcome you at the gate!

The Provincetown Playhouse
The Provincetown Playhouse still owns
The art of Robert Edmond Jones;
From the classic drama we're a notable secessionist!
The verity of Gene O'Neill,
The meaning doesn't matter if the manner is expressionist;
Our greatest contribution
To art is revolution
Our mood is very Rooshin,
You can tell it at a glance;
Our bare stage may look funny,
But it saves us lots of money,
And we're sure of what we do
Because we always take a chance.

The Neighborhood Playhouse
The Neighborhood Playhouse can shine
South of the Macy-Gimbel line,
It was built to make a ride for people on Fifth Avenue!
To Yeats, and Synge, and Shaw, and such,
We add an Oriental touch;
We bring out the aesthetic soul that you don't know you have
in you
We like to serve a mild dish
Of folk-lore, quaintly childish
And sometimes, Oscar Wildish
In a pantomime or dance;

3.

Without having to struggle over the knees of their fellow subscribers. In effect, each seat will be an aisle seat, in the fourth row or fifth row. Now just a word about subscribers. We have now fifty two thousand fourteen adult subscribers. As the new theatre holds only one thousand people, and eight performances a week makes eight thousand, and six weeks for each play makes fourty eight thousand, you can see that through the thoughtlessness of our public, we have been placed in the awkward position of having only four thousand more subscribers than we can seat.

(With a broad smile)

However, we bare no ill feeling, and we have arranged to have our surplus taken care of at cost by Mr. Schubert, Mr. Ziegfeld and Mr. Woods. Subscription books are still open, and I want to tell you the real advantage of becoming a Guild subscriber. The Theatre Guild has just been appointed the official government theatre of the republic of Lithuania. The significance of this is two-fold. In the first place, the President of Lithuania will press buttons on all our first nights, and second, subscribers to the official government theatre of a foreign country become ipso-facto members of the foreign legation of that country and as members of the foreign legation, they are entitled to bring into this country, liquors of all kinds, free from interference from the Volstead Act.

(In a grand manner)

This makes us the greatest subscription theatre in the world.

(As she exits music begins, curtains open)

(Discovered are: BOYS and GIRLS of
Theatre Guild bearing placards of the
various Theatre Guild successes. They
carry brushes, in which they are guild-
ing the cut-out of the Guild Theatre.)

Chorus

Gilding the Guild!

Gilding the Guild!

We possess a fine artistic touch;

Maximilian Money doesn't count - not much!

Shubert may say

Art doesn't pay,

But we built that cozy little shack

Though we lack

Shubert's jack

In this cute little building

We're gilding the Guild!

(A GIRL steps out from Center, and
begins;)

THE GUARDSMAN

Scene:

Piano up C, with a settee in front of it. Chair R and L.

At rise:

The CRITIC seated R. end of the settee, reading a newspaper. He has a cane with him. He is wearing his hat.

Lunt
(Enters L. and strides R and L smoking furiously, then seats himself suddenly L. of DIGGES)

My friend, I have something to tell you.

Digges
Um, your wife doesn't love you.

Lunt
You're right. But it's something worse than that. She plays Chopin.

(DIGGES grunts)
My God, what torture! If she'd only stop playing Chopin, when she stopped loving, I could stand it.

Digges
Oh, well that's asking too much. She's a woman and an actress.

Lunt
That only leads up to my great discovery. She's in love with somebody else.

(He slumps into the chair)

Digges
Really? You surprise me. Who is it?

Lunt
I don't know. But it's someone in a blue uniform that paces up and down in front of the house every day.

Digges
Oh, the policeman.

Lunt
No, he's a Russian Guardsman.

2.

**Digges**
A Russian **Guardsman**? Well, how do you know he's Russian?

**Lunt**
I saw him with his hat off the other day. Only a Russian
would have a hair cut like that. Passe, Passe!

**Digges**
Well, if your wife has seen him in that hair cut?

**Lunt**
Oh, but she hasn't.

**Digges**
No?

**Lunt**
No.

**Digges**
No?

**Lunt**
No. He doesn't take off his hat in front of ladies. He's
a nobleman.

**Digges**
Well, exactly what are you going to do about it?

**Lunt**
(Sobbing more and more as he speaks)
I don't know, but I've got to find out if my wife is faithful to me. I tell you this thing has gotten into my blood -
It won't let me go.

**Digges**
Well, I say you're not going to cry about it?

(LUNT sobbing worse)

**Lunt**
No, I'm not going to cry about it.
(LUNT buries his face in his hands)

**Digges**
(Soothingly)
That's right - that's right.

**Lunt**
Now you're my good friend. What do you advise me to do
about it?

3.

### Digges

Well why not disguise yourself as this Russian Guardsman, visit your wife, make love to her and see if she responds to your kisses.

### Lunt

(After a pause)

No, that wouldn't do. She'd recognize me.

### Digges

How?

### Lunt

You see, she knows I'm in the habit of eating cloves.

(He slides very low on the settee and gazes up musingly at Digges, puts his face near Digges, who winces)

### Digges

Yes, I've noticed that myself. Well don't chew cloves, chew life-savers, then your disguise will be complete.

### Lunt

But if I know that she knows -

### Digges

(Philosophically)

That's exactly the point. That would be the test of your acting. You will know that your wife knows that you know, that she knows, that you know, therefore, you will act as if you were sure that she did not know that you know that she knows and your wife knowing that you know, that she knows, will act as if she did not know that she knows that you know that she knows.

### Lunt

Well, I'll do it. Here comes my wife. Goodbye my friend.

(Maxaxitza)

(Before exiting, poses at the door, and says:)

My bitter fruit no maxx longer tastes alluring. All sweetness vanished.

### Digges

Oh, for God's sake!

(LUNT exits. DIGGES seats himself in settee C. ACTRESS appears L.)

### Actress

(Very sweetly)

Dr. Bernard, my old friend Dr. Bernard.

(Comes C. DIGGES rises, kisses her hand, they both bob several times)

4.

(ACTRESS sighs profoundly)

Digges
You are sad.

Actress
Why should I be sad?

Digges
Doesn't your husband object to your playing Chopin?

Actress
Perhaps.
(DIGGES takes her hand seductively)

Digges
And you are beginning to tire of your husband?

Actress
(Coquettishly)
Probably.

Digges
(Putting his arm around actress)
Your husband doesn't understand you?

Actress
You work rather fast, don't you?
(They both fall into L. end of settee)

Digges
Oh, don't misunderstand me. All I meant was that your
husband objects to your playing Chopin.

Actress
That does not prove anything about love. It only proves
that my husband has no ear for music.

Digges
(Pressing closer to her side)
But nevertheless you do not love your husband, and you do
love a Guardsman.

Actress
(Vexed and almost ready to cry)
So you've been spying on me! How can you do that to me?
I can't stand it any longer. You've been torturing my very
soul. I mustn't stay here a moment longer.
(She continues to expositulate and the CRITIC continues to protest his innocence)
(Finally she says:)
I'm going home to mama.

5.

(DIGGES kneels on the floor)

Digges
No, don't go home to mama.

Junk Actress
Now, tell me, tell me from your very heart, have you seen
him face to face?
(She sits down)

Digges
Yes.

Actress
Yes, but have you ever looked back at him?

Digges
(Gets up and sits beside Actress
again)
Why should I?

Actress
Well, if you had, you would have noticed on the back of
that uniform, a sign, "Fancy Dress Costune - Two Dollars
A Night."

Digges
He's a walking advertisement?

Actress
You see, my friend, things are not always what they look
at.

Digges
Then you do love your husband?

Actress
(Sentimentally)
Alas, I do. Of all the men that I have really loved, he is
the only man that I have ever really loved.

Digges
Well then, am I right in saying that you wish to win your
husband's love again?

Actress
Yes, my friend, yes I do.
(She pushes him as she says this,
and he falls on the floor)

Digges
(On the floor)
You're nervous. You want to get rid of me.
(Gets up)

7.

Digges
(Talking an unintelligible Russian)
Prostigi pojaleste.

Actress
(With a broad smile)
Ah, you speak French charmingly.

Digges
(Continues to mutter his unintelligible
Russian)

Not really? Actress

Digges
(With a heavy Russian accent)
Oh, yes, oh yes.
(He advances and kisses her hand on the
top of the palm, then the palm itself,
and falls into the sofa beside her)

Actress
Tell me, who are you really?

Digges
(Rises)
I am Wassilly Samsonov.

Actress
(Frightened)
Not son of a - not son of a ....

Digges
No - this is not a Hopkins production.

No, no. Actress

(DIGGES kisses her arm and face)

(Smiling)
A. H. Woods.

Da, da. Digges

Won't you sit down? Actress

Merci. Digges
(He encircles her and sits down at
her left)

8.

Are you married?

Actress

No.
(throws off his left glove)

Digges

Really?

Actress

No.
(throws off his right glove)

Digges

I'm sure you have a very pretty little wife.

Actress

Digges
Nitchy vo nitchy vo. What does it matter - one little
wife?

And your wife - she doesn't love you?

Actress

Gospede boji moi!
(As he sobs)

Digges

I beg your pardon.

Actress

Digges
(Sobs worse)
Gospede boji moi!

Oh then she doesn't love you?

Actress

Digges
If she loved me, would I be coming to you for kisses?

Actress
(With a coy smile)
Oh, you aristocrats! So you want kisses now?

Digges
(Rises and says enthusiastically)
Da, da.

Do you know how to kiss?

Actress

9.

Digges
Oh, yes, oh yes. Very well. Incomparably well. I am
Russian.

Actress
Very well, then, you may have one little kiss.
(They kiss. She breaks away and
gasps)
Cloves. It's he!

Digges
(Passionately)
Now can you doubt that I love you?

Actress
No, my darling.
(He falls on his knees before her)

Digges
Nitche vo, nitche vo.

Actress
De tout, de tout, de tout.

Lunt
(Coming in dressed as the guardsman)
(He roars)
Aha! Aha! What does this mean?

Digges
(Gets up in fright. ACTRESS screams)
Razateja Prostaje bjalista.

Lunt
Prostaje bjalista.

Digges
Rimsky - Korsakoff.

Lunt
Rimsky - Korsakoff.

Digges
Rachmaninoff.

Lunt
Rachmaninoff.

(All this should be said very rap-
idly)

## SENTIMENTAL ME

Scene in one. A bench for four, C.

Discovered, a BOY and GIRL.

He
Look at me again, dear;
Let's hold hands and then, dear,
Sigh in chorus.
It won't brie us, to be sure;
There's no meaning to it,
Yet we overdo it,
With a relish
That is hellish to endure;
I am not the kind that merely flirts;
I just love and love until it hurts.

She
Darling you're so handsome,
Strong and clever, and some -
Times, you seem, dear,
Like a dream, dear, that came true.
Why did I pick you out?
Better men I threw out
Of my living room
While giving room to you;
I would rather read of love in books;
Love is much more painful than it looks.

(Refrain)

Both
Oh sentimental me and poor romantic you;
Dreaming dreams is all that we can do;
We hang around all day and ponder,
While both of us grow fonder -
The Lord knows where we're wandering to;
I sit and sigh; you sigh and sit upon my knee;
We laugh and cry, and never disagree;
A million kisses we'll make theft of
Until there's nothing left of
Poor romantic you and sentimental me.

(From Right Left, enter an old gouty
lady and gentleman. The lady is carry-
ing a bunch of golden rods, the man a
hot water bottle)

2.

### Lady

(Hesitatingly)

Well, I was to meet my husband at City Hall, but if I went
to Times Square, I might meet something just as good.

(Another passenger has entered, taking his place in back of the elegant
gentleman)

### Agent

Oh, yes we get lots of passengers to Times Square just that
way, Madame.

### Lady

That's lovely. Can you tell me when the next train leaves
for Times Square?

### Agent

I'm not quite sure, Madam, you see we are all out of time
tables just now. I'll call up the Main Office and find out
for you.

(Telephones)

Hello? Main Office? This is the 18th Street Uptown speaking. Will you kindly tell me when the next train leaves for Times Square? .... Thank you.

(Hangs up)

(To Lady)

The next train will leave at four-seven, Madam.

(Another passenger has come in, and
gotten on line. LADY looks at her wrist
watch)

Lady:

And it's just four o'clock now, isn't it?

### Agent

I have six minutes to four, Madam.

### Lady

Oh, I'm sure you can't be right.

(To the Passenger behind her)

(Very sweetly)

Can you tell me the right time, please?

### 1st Passenger

(In a very elegant manner)

Certainly, Madam. It's ten minutes past four.

(To 2nd Passenger)

Isn't that what you've got?

### 2nd Passenger

(Who talks in a sweet, engenue voice)

Well, my watch says quarter to four, but I've just had it
fixed, and it ain't quite running right.

3.

3rd Passenger

(Who is a Chinaman)

No, it's fifteen minutes past four.

(Several other passengers very polite-
ly offer their assistance in telling
the correct time)

Lady

Well, in any case, it's well past four, and I knew my watch
was right all the time.

(All the passengers bow very politely)

I think I'll go to Times Square.

4th Passenger

You will find it very lovely there, Madame.

Lady

(To Agent)

How much are the tickets today?

Agent

We're selling them at five cents a piece madam, but now that
the elections are over, we cannot guarantee that price any
longer.

(Another lady has just come in)

2nd Lady

(Bumps into the passenger who imme-
diately offers her his place. The
Passenger in front of him does like-
wise. The same two or three times.

The last LADY on seeing the other, says)

Lady

Oh, dearie, won't you have my place?

2nd Lady

No, I just met my friend Mr. Niblick, and I'd like to have
a talk with him.

Lady

I was living all the way up town, but we moved down to
Harlem. Won't you come in some day and have tea with me?

One of the Men Passengers

I'd like to have some tea too.

Lady

You can _all_ come and have tea.

4.

### Agent

Ladies and Gentlemen, wouldn't you all like to have some tea now?

(He rings the bell. A uniformed page comes in with a tea tray, bearing some sandwiches on it.)

Donald, serve the guests.

(The PAGE serves tea to all passengers who gather around him with delighted murmurs. The PAGE exits)

### Lady

Can I see a diagram of the car?

### Agent

Well, the seats aren't reserved, madam.

### Lady

How provoking! How will I know where to sit down?

### Agent

I don't think you'll have to worry about that madam. In fact we've been playing to capacity lately, and I'm afraid all I can sell you is standing room.

### Lady

Standing room? Oh, I don't like that.

### Agent

It's really very nice, madam. The company supplies straps and you can read the ads better standing up.

### Lady

But I don't like to read the ads. The stories are too short.

(To 1st Passenger)

Don't you think so?

1st Passenger

Sure, I noticed that myself.

(To 2nd Passenger)

Haven't you?

2nd Passenger

But I just love the pictures.

3rd Passenger

I like the cross-word puzzles.

(Several passengers echo their approval)

5.

Agent

Pardon me, do you want the ticket, madam?

Kudryx

(All the passengers are shocked at
the Agent's rude question)

Lady

Now, don't push me.

Agent

Oh, not at all, not at all.

(All the passengers, one after the
other, with great relief)

Passengers

He didn't mean it, he didn't mean it.

Lady

(To 1st Passenger)

I hope you don't think I'm holding up the line.

1st Passenger

Take your time, you know the more haste, the less speed.

(To 2nd Passenger)

Isn't that so?

(The PAGE enters, and announces in
the best Park Avenue diction!)

Page

I beg your pardon, ladies and gentlemen, a train has just
gotten in. Points of destination. Twenty third Street,
28th Street, 33rd Street, and
Times Square.

Lady

Oh, that must be my train. Well, good bye.

(She goes down the line, shaking
hands with the passengers)

(She also collects all her packages
which throughout the sketch she has
been dropping one by one and which she
has been giving to the various passen-
gers for them to hold for her)

Everybody

Good bye! Good bye!

Agent

I hope you have a nice trip up.

6.

(The 2nd PASSENGER has approached
the booth but the LADY returns)

Lady
I've forgotten my ticket.

(She is about to pay for her ticket
when she says)

Oh, I left my purse at home.

(Everybody immediately volunteers to
pay for her)

Agent
(In a remonstrating voice)
Gentlemen, gentlemen! You forget where you are. This is
a New York subway!

(To the lady)

You can pay the next time you come in.

Lady
Your generosity is only exceeded by your good luck.

(She is about to make her exit when
the last passenger who is a Frenchman,
comes up to her offering her a book.)

He says:)

Frenchman
A little gift from France to America.

(The LADY embraces him. The FRENCHMAN
in seventh heaven. As the LADY leaves
one passenger is heard to say, "parting
is such sweet sorrow." Another passenger
says, "I'll tell the cock-eyed world."
And the FRENCHMAN calls out, "Bon voyage!")

2nd Passenger
(At the booth)
Pardon me, is this New York Subway?

Agent
Yes, sir. Is there anything we can do for you?

(The lights grow dim and the characters
are seen to fade away)

Curtain

"The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker"

Scene: In One.

A SINGER comes out, and sings the following song, which is accompanied by an appropriate pantomime, which enacts the action of the song.

Singer

The butcher, the baker, the candle-stick maker
They all were in love with Marie,
And each was afraid that the other would take her
For she was real fond of all three.
But Marie at the game, wasn't quite a beginner
She kept just outside of the reach,
She firmly declared that the man who would win her
Must have all the fine points of each.

(Refrain)

He must be strong like her butcher you know,
With curly brown hair like her baker,
And to capture the prize he must have big blue eyes,
Just like her Candle-stick Maker,
The Butcher, the Baker, the Candle-stick Maker,
They kept up a very high pace,
Till a little bald man with the look of a quaker
Just put them all out of the race.
Now Marie would explain that it wasn't his money,
For that never entered her mind.
But the neighbors all thought her selection was funny,
Or love was indeed very blind.
He wasn't strong like her Butcher you know,
Or with curly brown hair like her Baker.
Then he looked very wise, he had no big blue eyes
At all like her Candle-stick Maker.

The Butcher, the Baker, the Candle-stick Maker,
They all kissed the beautiful bride.
And each one declared that he wouldn't forsake her
No matter what fortune beide.

Now what axioms inside of a year as her husband had told her
Marie had a fine little lad,
But everyone noticed that as he grew older
He didn't resemble his Dad.
For he grew big and strong like her butcher you know
With curly brown hair like her Baker
And to each one's surprise, why he had big blue eyes
Just like the Candle-stick Maker.

SHUSH! SHUSH!

A MAN comes out before the curtain
and says: to the audience:

Man

Ladies and gentlemen, in view of the recent revival of
interest in pantomime, we feel that our Gaieties would be
incomplete without one example of this art. We take great
pleasure, therefore in presenting you this little
pantomimic drama.

(He exits)

(The curtains open revealing an
ordinary living room with a table
and arm chair down stage center, a
chiffonier up stage right and a sofa
down stage right. (At the table, is
sitting a WOMAN reading a book)

Enter Man. Woman happy to see him and flies to
his arms. Long kiss follows. They converse for a second.
Then Woman beckons man to follow her to room at stage R.
Both proceed. Stop before door and kiss again. Both exit.

Enter MAID G. door. Discovers gloves and hat.
Looks quizzically.

WOMAN sticks head out of door R.C. and beckons to
Maid and closes door again. MAID goes away smiling rog-
uishly. Extracts a pair of pajamas from chiffrobe and
brings it to woman who gives her a pink lingerie.

Bell rings. MAID runs to window. WOMAN sticks
head through door again and commands Maid to bring hat
and gloves. MAID does so but in her haste leaves one
glove on the table. Then MAID quickly jams lingerie into
chiffrobe. Then answers bell. Enter HUSBAND.

MAID and HUSBAND exchange greetings.

HUSBAND questions MAID who shrugs her shoulders and
exits.

HUSBAND notices glove. Goes to room R.C. and knocks
at door. Pause and knocks again. Door opens quickly.
WOMAN comes out and immediately closes door behind her.

3.

(MABEL looks around, sees he has no bags)

Mabel

You haven't your bag yet. Well, I'll send you up a suit of Frank's pajamas.

(Another kiss)

Now we won't say a word about your being here to Frank. It will be a great surprise for him when he sees you.

(Exit)

(Enter MAID, as before)

Mabel

(Opening door Right)

Now, Suzette, not a word to my husband. My brother Jack is here.

(Then as MAID turns to go)

And, Suzette, will you get me a suit of my husband's pajamas at once?

Maid

Yes, Madam.

(Walks away with knowing look. Returns with pajamas and receives Madam's pink lingerie)

Mabel

(As she gives Maid the lingerie)

Here, we don't want this in Jack's room. He's very young.

(MAID puts away lingerie. As she does this, bell rings)

Maid

(Startled)

It's Monsieur.

Mabel

Quick, the hat and gloves.

Maid

Yes, Madam.

(Gives madam hat and gloves. Quickly puts away lingerie in chiffrobe. Enter FRANK)

Bonsoir, M'sieur.

Frank

Good evening, Suzette. Where is Madam?

Maid

I don't know, Monsieur.

(She exits)

4.

Frank

That's funny. I thought she said she'd be home at this
time.

(Walks over to table, sees glove)

Aha - a glue. A kid glove - kid brother, trying to kid
me again.

(Turns to door Right and calls)

Mabel!

Mabel

(Comes out)

Frank

Jack's in there!

Mabel

Why, ridiculous. There's no one here.

Frank

Ridiculous yourself.

(Shows glove)

Why here is the very mate of the pair of gloves I sent
him last Christmas. Come away from that door.

(Pulls her away)

Come on out of there, Jack. Come on out there, Jack!

(As Jack comes out, he extends his
hand saying)

Put it there!

Frank

(Falls back in horror)

Good God! Where in the world did you get that moustache?

---

# OLD FASHIONED GIRL

## Scene in One.

A GIRL dressed in the old fashioned
Gibson manner, comes in and sings
the following song:

I'm the old fashioned girl once admired by you,
With long hair, and manners, and chaperones, too,
In popular ballads, I'm still all the rage,
And heroes adore me, but just on the stage;
I am still the demurest and sweetest of sights,
But that can't make up for the long lonesome nights,
Poor dear mother is in tears,
And this is the reason:
She has kept me thirty years;
I won't keep another season;

What has become of the men,
The old-fashioned, masculine men,
The kind that grew whiskers, and biceps, and brains,
That wore man-size collars and walked without canes,
The kind who were steak-eaters,
Not merely cake-eaters,
Where are the old-fashioned men?

What has become of the men,
The red-flannel union-suit men,
Who drank and who smoked and who swore like a boy,
The kind who thought Freud was just German for joy,
The fellows who threw aside
Thoughts of race-suicide,
Where are the old-fashioned men?

(When she comes into her encore, she
is carrying a large bouquet of red
roses)

## Encore:

What has become of the man
The collapsible, opera hat men.
We hear many complaints that our girls retrogress,
But who claims that our men are a howling success?
When they drove you out in a hack,
There was no walking back,
Where are the old-fashioned men?

...

# THE GREEN DERBY

By

Benjamin M. Kaye.

The Scene is in One. The stage is dark, and as the lights come up we see MAURICE standing at Right, with HILARY, NAPIER is at Left.

**Napier**

Father, Hilary tells me that you have asked Iris to come down here to Sutton-Marle. Why have you done that?

**Maurice**

Now my boy, why not leave all that to me?

**Napier**

No father - I am married to Venice - which is what you wanted. And I haven't seen Irish in five years.

**Maurice**

Now my boy - you really shouldn't be here. I --

(Enter GERALD L. hurriedly. He is disheveled and somewhat drunk)

**Gerald**

(Excitedly)

So - Here you are - All three of you. And you know who I am. I'm Gerald March, And I feel like hell. I want a drink. Got a drink? What's the good of being outside of America unless you can get a drink.

**Maurice**

Young man, you have had about enough drinks.

**Gerald**

Never enough drinks. I'm a March. The Marches drink all the year 'round. From March to March. Ha ha. Laugh Maurice. Haven't I told you a funny story?

2.

Maurice

What is it that you want?

Gerald

I'll tell you what I want. It's about my sister, Iris. There's a dirty lie somewhere. Listen. This morning I picked up a paper in London and read of Boy's death.

Napier

Iris had nothing to do with it.

Gerald

Perhaps she didn't. But Boy Penwick's ghost is by my side now and he is begging me to ask you how he died.

Hilary

How should we know?

Gerald

Oh you know all right.

He died wearing a green derby.

Maurice, Hilary & Napier

(In awe)

A green derby!

Gerald

Yes - and that's what I want to find out. What's all this about a green derby? Why are there so many men wearing green derbies? Why does my sister never go out unless she wears smoked glasses? What happened in that room at Deauville five years ago? You were all there. What happened there? I tell you this beastly business must be settled.

Maurice

We can't tell you, Gerald.

Gerald

(Imploring)

Hilary -- Napier.

(They turn away. Enter IRIS C.
through curtain. She speaks in
a tragic voice a la Catherine
Cornell)

Iris

I will tell you, Gerald. Because you are my brother,
Silly, sweet Gerald.

Gerald

Don't play for time, Iris. What was it happened in that room at Deauville?

3.

### Iris

I was alone in the room. I was looking out of the window and I put up my hand to pat my hair. A man was passing in the street. He saw me put my hand up and thought I was waving at him.

(As she says this, the stage darkens. The other characters slip out, curtain opens back of her, and as the stage lights up, we see IRIS in the room at Deauville. At C. is an open window with some steps leading up to it. At right is a divan and a chair. IRIS is now standing by window patting her hair as she looks out. There is also a chair down stage L.)

### Iris

(Alone)

Why he's waving back. He's crossing over. Is he coming up here?

(She turns. Enter MAID L)

### Maid

A gentleman to see you, M'am.

### Iris

Did he give his name?

### Maid

He said it was Michael Arlen.

### Iris

Michael Arlen! Show him up.

(Exit MAID)

(MICHAEL ARLEN dressed in a loud oriental fashion, with a turkish fez on his head and a rug on his arm, enters L.)

### Arlen

(Talking with a forced English accent)

Ah, Iris. Surprised to see me?

### Iris

Of course I am. I'm only a character in your book. **You** made me what I am today. What more do you want?

### Arlen

I was just passing - on my way to Hollywood, ye know - to write scenarios. Very nice people these Americans - not English, ye know, but very nice.

4.

Iris

Enough of this hell. What do you want of me?

Arlen

Well - I thought I ought to put a finishing touch to you
before I leave. You see, I gave you a pagan body but
you still have a Chislehurst mind. You still want to be
chaste, don't you?

Iris

Yes. I would die for purity.

Arlen

I thought so. Now that won't do. Nobody will buy my
book if you do that. I've got to let loose a beast inside
of you. A beast which will prowl around in the soiled
loneliness of your mind.

Iris

Oh please, please, don't make me be bad!

Arlen

No. Just misbehave. Let's see, - yes, I've got it. A
green derby.

Iris

But Mr. Arlen -- Why a green derby?

Arlen

Pour le sport.

Iris

What does that mean -- pour le sport?

Arlen

It's a French idiom. It means every time you see a man
wearing a green derby, you'll go absolutely crazy with
love -- you'll just wear him to pieces -- like a beast,
you know.

Iris

(With terror)

No, no, Mr. Arlen. Please don't make me do that. Please
let me off.

Arlen

(With dignity)

The Marches are never let off anything.

Iris

(Cowering)

The curse - the curse.

5.

Arlen

(Cheerily)

Yes - that was a happy touch of mine - Well I'm off.
See you later - about the fifth edition.

(Exit ARLEN)

(Exits L.)

Iris

The fifth edition? My God - And I thought Englishmen
respect their women.

(Enter MAID L.)

Maid

Mr. Fenwick calling, ma'am.

(IRIS nods. Exit MAID and enter PENWICK L. He is wearing a green derby)

Fenwick

Hello Iris, dear.

(IRIS slowly raises her eyes - sees the green derby. Business of trying to control her emotion)

Iris

Boy - I love you. I want you - you darling - now -
(She leaps at him and throws her arms around his neck)

Fenwick

For heaven's sake, Iris, be decent. We're only engaged,
you know.

Iris

(Madly)

Kiss me - Hold me in your arms. Love is a hurricane of
pain.

Fenwick

Well it's too much of a storm for me. Here, let go.
(They struggle. PENWICK who has been seated in the chair L. breaks loose and tries to run away. As IRIS goes for him he runs up the stairs C. and jumps out of the window. IRIS stares after him)

Iris

He's gone.

(Enter MAID L)

6.

Maid

Mr. Townsend, Ma'am.

(Exit MAID. Enter HILARY - wearing a green derby. HILARY is a staid, elegant Englishman)

Hilary

Well, Iris - looking at the sea?

Iris

(Turns - sees Hilary with a green derby - and goes for him)

Hilary - my old playmate Hilary.

(She embraces him)

Hilary

Here, here, Iris. What are you doing?

Iris

I'm hungry for love. I want to destroy my body with
love's delight.

Hilary

Now stop this - Why - why, I'm twice your age.

Iris

I don't care if you're as old as sand.

Hilary

Iris - be decent.

(He breaks away. Same business as
with Fenwick - and HILARY jumps out
of the window. IRIS stares after
him. Enter MAD)

Maid

Sir Maurice Harpenden.

(Exit MAID. Enter MAURICE wearing a green derby)

Maurice

Iris - I know we are enemies since I refused to let Napier
marry you - but -

(IRIS turns, sees the green derby -
and goes for him)

Iris

I hate you, Maurice, as I hate all men except Napier -
but I want you.

7.

Maurice

(Quickly breaks away from her)

Iris, - damn it, girl, this is evil.

Iris

I despise you, Maurice - but I'm enchanted. We are both
enchanted.

Maurice

Not I - I'm old English.

(She chases him and he slowly climbs
the stairs and jumps off the window
as if he were diving off a pier)

(Enter HOTEL PROPRIETOR, a sleek and
unctuous Frenchman. He must not wear
hat)

Proprietor

Madam - if you please.

Iris

(First covers her eyes with her hands,
peeps through her fingers, and says)

Thank God - no hat.

Proprietor

Please do not misunderstand me Madam. I am the proprietor
of this hotel - and it is a very high class hotel. I
appreciate your custom, Madam. But I must ask you to
please stop throwing things out of the windows.

Iris

(Softly)

Oh - if you only knew. Phantoms - cruel, bullying phantoms.

Proprietor

(Shrugging his shoulders)

I do not know what it is, Madam. But surely you can ex-
ercise some self restraint.

Iris

I will try, Monsieur - I will try very hard. - But mean-
while, will you be so kind as to send out and buy for me a
pair of brown eye glasses.

Proprietor

Brown eyeglasses. These English are so a strange.

(Exit)

8.

(IRIS sighs, looks out of window
romantically. Enter MAID)

Maid

Mr. Napier Harpenden to see you, ma'am.

Iris

(Turning, with a happy cry)

Napier.

(Exit MAID. Enter NAPIER C wearing
a green derby)

Napier

Iris, I came straight over to tell you I have married
Venice - and she is an angel.

Iris

(Covering her eyes with her hand)

Please go Napier. It's too late for me now, sweet - Oh
why didn't you love me enough when we were children.

(NAPIER takes her other hand and
draws her to the couch L. They both
sit - IRIS still trying to keep her
eyes covered)

Napier

This love business - it changes - and yet it doesn't change.
Why do you keep your eyes closed, Iris?

Iris

Because dear I won't be able to think with them open - and
Napier - I want you to be worthy of Venice's children.

Napier

(Takes Iris' other hand away from her
eyes so that she must look at him)

Oh, yes, these platonic Venecian children. I thought of
you - thought of you - thought of you - I've heard your
voice whispering dreams of better things.

Iris

(Trying to control herself)

Napier - take off your hat.

Napier

You are a tower of delight in the twilight of the world.

Iris

(Still struggling - faintly)

Take off your hat, or I'll knock it off.

9.

Napier

Your soft white body beats against my mind like a whip.

Iris

My dark angel.

Napier

What is it, Iris? What do you want?

Iris

(Throwing herself upon him)

What do I want? You, Napier.

(Passionate embrace)

(VENICE'S voice from off-stage heard
calling "Darling - Darling - Darling")

Napier

Venice - my wife.

(VENICE comes in, sees Napier and Iris
embracing and throws off Napier's hat.

Venice

I hope I've done the right thing.

Napier

My beauty has brought me nothing but pain.

Iris

(Coming out of her trance)

Venice - pretty Venice - how did you know?

Venice

I met Mr. Arlen in the street, and he told me, because
I'm a married woman.

Napier

I'll make him apologize.

(Enter HILARY and SIR MAURICE pulling
ARLEN along. They fling him into the
room)

Hillary

We got him before he could get away in his yellow Hispano -
Suiza.

Arlen

Now what does all this mean?

Napier

It means, sir, that if you weren't my author I would call
you a cad.

10.

Arlen

(Petulently)

What is it you all want, anyhow?

(ALL the other characters stretching their arms to him)

All

Purity.

Arlen

Purity - You don't know what the word means. I wrote the play myself and even I don't know.

Iris

Oh please, Mr. Alen, lift the curse from me.

Venice

Please, please, please.

Arlen

No.

Maurice

And I say _yes_. I am gambling for the future of all English-men.

Arlen

Well, what can _you_ do?

(MAURICE looks around - sees the derby and places it on Arlen's head)

Maurice

On your own head be it.

(IRIS seeing Arlen with the hat on, is about to come toward him amorously)

Iris

For the love of Mike.

Arlen

(Taking off his hat)

No, not to your author.

(He goes out of the group at left, goes Center, and says:)

This green hat goes out,

derby

(He flings the derby through the window)

(The derby is flung back immediately.

ARLEN picks it up and flings it out again.

It is thrown back again)

2.

Woman

Aren't you a policeman?

Traffic Officer

(Reprovingly)

A traffic officer, Miss. You see I specialized in Traffic at College.

Woman

Are you a college man?

Traffic Officer

Yes, Miss. Police College - 1918. I won my Phi Beta Copper there.

Woman

How thrilling. But why don't you arrest me? I killed that brute --

Traffic Officer

I wish I could. But I never took any courses in murder. They conflicted with my courses in Label Pasting.

Woman

Label Pasting?

Traffic Officer

Sure. That's one of our most important courses. Learning how to paste with laboratory work in collecting money for drives and police balls.

Woman

(Attracted)

It sounds quite exciting.

Traffic Officer

I was busy with my doctor's Spanish thesis on laundry.

Woman

What on earth does a traffic cop have to know about laundry?

Traffic Officer

How else could we tell whether the taxi drivers wore clean white collars.

Woman

Of course. How stupid of me.

Traffic Officer

(Begins to mount the ladder for traffic tower)

3.

### Traffic Officer

Dear old college days. How I miss those happy carefree
days when I used to play the tenor saxophone in the band.

### Woman

Now why do the police had to have a band.

### Traffic Officer

Now Miss, suppose Mr. Heart was to come back suddenly
and the police band wasn't at the pier to meet him. Why
the poor man would just have to turn around and go back
again.

### Woman

I suppose that's true.

### Traffic Officer

And besides they have to have some music, don't they, to
fill in between the chapters when they're broadcasting
Seven Years of Progress from Station WNYC?

### Woman

I never thought of that. I had no idea police work was
so difficult.

### Traffic Officer

Oh but I have nothing to do with all that. I'm in the
traffic department.

(With pride)

Traffic control - that's the life.

(He comes up front and sings the
following song:)

(During the song the WOMAN watches
from stage Right)

Oh, the traffic cop in the tower's top
Sits and presses little buttons and the autos stop.

When the green lights glow then the autos go,
But they all stop dead when the lights shine red.

But Oh, it's grand to be a cop a-sitting up there
on the top

And to push the little buttons and to watch the
autos stop.

## REFRAIN

For the even streets are the east bound streets,
And the west bound streets are odd.

For the busiest streets are the crossown streets
In the uptown streets and the downtown streets.

So keep your mind on the rules of the road,
And watch for the officer's nod,

For the even streets are the east bound streets,
And the westbound streets are odd.

4.

(At this point the WOMAN joins in and does a dance routine to the music of this refrain: They are joined by a chorus of boys and girls representing taxis and chauffeurs respectively)

(At the end of this, after the chorus has made its exit)

### Woman
Oh, I think I hear some officers coming.

### Traffic Officer
(Taking Woman down stage Right)
Now you'll be arrested, Miss. That's the Homicide Class from College.

(Off stage OFFICERS can be heard singing "Boolean Boolean" - They enter in strict formation singing this song)

(Led by the SERGEANT the FOUR OFFICERS line up facing the orchestra directly)

(When this is over, SERGEANT yells like a college cheer leader)

### Sergeant
Come on fellows - a long locomotive for Alma Mater. All together.

### All
(Led by Sergeant)
Rah, rah, rah, sis boom bah! P - O - L - I - C - E.
College! College! College! We-want-a-touchdown! We-want-a-touchdown! Police! Police! Police!
(They all blow their police whistles, and cry)
Boom!

(The group of police officers break up and form a line on the left. SERGEANT goes over to traffic officer, stage R.)

### Sergeant
The homicide squad was down with Mayor Dylan at Coney Island, so I brought the Senior Class along to give them a real taste of Police life. Now what's the trouble here?

### Traffic Officer
A murder. This young woman seems to have shot and killed a man.

5.

Sergeant

(Sternly to young Woman)

Is this true?

Woman

I killed him officer.

I shot the brute with this pistol.

Sergeant

(After examining the pistol. To
the officer)

Ha! A mystery.

Traffic Officer

(Quite delighted} and intrigued)

Ah, a mystery!

Officers

(Mysteriously)

A mystery!

Sergeant (Very business-like)

Never fear, Miss. We'll solve it.

(To First Officer)

Jones, telephone to headquarters to have all the ferries
watched.

(FIRST OFFICER starts to leave)

And Jones - notify the newspapers that we have several
persons under suspicion and expect to make an arrest before
midnight.

(Exit FIRST OFFICER)

Woman

(Stamping her foot)

But I killed him. Oh, why don't you arrest me?

Sergeant

(Raising his hand)

Now don't interfere. We are scientifically trained police-
men and we have to do things according to science. Tell
us Brown -

(To 2nd Officer)

what is it the police will conduct?

2nd Officer

(Stepping forward to answer)

Police will conduct a probe.

(Steps back in line with a broad
smile on his face like a child who
has answered his teacher's question
correctly)

6.

Sergeant

Correct. And you Smith -
(2nd OFFICER waves his hand - as if
to answer)

I said Smith. What is this young woman called?

Smith

(Stepping forward to answer)

A Broadway Butterfly.

Sergeant

Right again. And the victim, McIntyre.

McIntyre

(Very nervous)

A prominent clubman.

1st 2nd Officer

(Stepping forward proudly)

A man about town.

Sergeant

Good, Brown. Not bad, McIntyre.

(JONES, who is the 1st Officer, re-
enters)

Jones

(Very rapidly)

I got headquarters and they tell me that a suspicious
looking man, dressed like a common laborer was just arrested
as he was about to enter the tube for Jersey City.

Sergeant

Good. We were just in time.

Jones

He refuses to talk except to protest his innocence.

Sergeant

A sure sign of guilt.

Woman

(Very much annoyed)

But this is absurd! Aren't you going --

(BROWN sticks his tongue out at Jones,
JONES wants to slap him)

Jones

(To Sergeant)

He stuck his tongue out at me.

8.

(Angry)
Who said milk toast?

Chief

(Timidly)
Him, sir.

1st Officer

Chief
Demote him.

(Continues singing)
Since I am Chief of Police
The staff of the law isn't brittle
New York's as pure as the driven snow
But it drifted just a little.

2nd Officer
A little?

Chief
Demote him.

(Continues singing)
Before I put the town to rights
The chorus girl were wicked sights
They used to run around in tights
And now they just don't wear 'em.
To red light districts you would go
But since I made that business slow
The whole world is your harem.
When that strangers come the town is free
I hand them all the city's key.

Officers
The city's key?

Chief
The city's key.

Woman
Whiskey.

(Pledges)
How are ye.

(Continues singing)
Since I am Chief of Police,
You can run around nights for a gay time
The crooks won't hold you up at night
They rob you in the day time.

9.

(After the end of the song)

Chief

I just stopped off on my way from South America to the
Police conference in San Francisco and I heard some rumor
about a murder.

Sergeant

That's right, chief. This man was shot and killed. It's
one of the most baffling mysteries -

Chief

Tommy rot! It's just another attempt to discredit the
finest police force in the world.

Officers

(Vociferously)

Hooray!

Chief

Who cleaned up all the crime in this shabby city and made
it the purest and most virtuous place on earth?

Officers

You did, chief!

Chief

And who purified the stage so that a young girl can now
take her father and mother to the theatre without blushing?

Officers

You did, Chief!

Sergeant

(Timidly)

But this man is certainly dead, Chief.

Chief

I tell you it's just another plot of the traction gang.
If they'd put in steel cars instead of those old wooden
ones, accidents like this couldn't happen.

Woman

But I killed him, chief.

Chief

Add who are you? You're a tool of the traction gang.

Woman

No, I'm only a poor Broadway Butterfly, and this man was
my husband.

10.

Chief

(Softened)

Oh, your husband!

Officers

(Among themselves)

Her husband.

Sergeant

It's no crime to shoot your husband.

Chief

Now, my dear, suppose you tell us how it happened.

Woman

My husband was a famous sculptor, and how I loved him -
the brute.

Sergeant

It served him right. I'm glad you shot him.

Woman

Oh! So you knew his work? He was the man who used to
make those beautiful busts of President McKinley on the
sands at Atlantic City. But, chief, there came a time when
I could stand his cruelty no longer. Do you know what the
heartless wretch did?

Chief

(Tensely)

What?

Woman

Oh, - I can't bear to speak of it.

Chief

Bear to speak of it?

Woman

He used to leave the cap off the tooth paste!

(CHIEF and all the OFFICERS stand
as if petrified with horror)

Day after day I would go into the bath room and find that
poor, twisted tube of tooth paste lying on the washstand
without the cap on.

(The CHIEF and OFFICERS burst out
into loud weeping)

I pleaded with him. I remonstrated. I appealed to his
better nature. But it was no use. And so I shot him.

11.

Chief

(After controlling his sobs)

It's all right, my dear. Don't worry. Everything will be all right. Who's the Chief of Police of this city?

Officers

You are chief!

(Enthusiastically)

Chief

And there is absolutely no crime in this town. I've said so in the interviews, and I've said so in after dinner speeches. I've said it in Valparaiso and I've said it in Buenos Aires and I'll say it here.

Sergeant and Other Officers

Hooray!

Chief

And so there is no crime in this city you could not have murdered your husband.

Woman

Seems kind of funny to me.

Chief

That's just your girlish innocence. Your husband probably committed suicide.

Woman

But this pistol -

Chief

Take away that pistol! Take my word for it, you didn't murder him, so that lets you out.

Woman

(Embracing chief)

Chief, you're just too wonderful.

(The OFFICERS encouraged by the Sergeant burst into song, singing "Annie Laurie")

Chief

You're a good kid and I'm going to reward you by making you an honorary chief of police.

MESSENGER

HARRY HARRY HARRY

(A MESSENGER

LADIES OF THE BOX OFFICE

Scene - In One,

Music to the tune of "Soliciting Subscriptions" song. Three GIRLS enter stage right left. The sing in chorus:

Girls
We must entertain the big plurality
We are the Broadway Theatre bunch.
Using up your brains with great frugality
Is the Broadway Theatre bunch.
We'd be very glad to meet you
And greet you
And seat you
And treat you just great
For at the box office, we take you
And shake you
And fake you
And make you our bait.
Though we fool the public in totality
They don't think bad of it
They're glad of it
And hurry to crash the gate.

The Movies
(A GIRL dressed in a Mary Pickford manner)
Today each Peg and Molly would
Achieve success in Hollywood
They'd be very proud to join the ranks of Marquise Gloria
And even half-wits go to plays
Since they can go to photo-plays
Children cry for Buster Keaton more than for Castoria.

If your nose will photograph well
And your pearly teeth will laugh well
Though you only can act half-well
You'll put Barrymore on the blink
To see Chaplin and the Gishes
Wives neglect their dirty dishes
And we know just what we do because we seldom let them think.

The Girl Show
(Dressed as a Ziegfeld Chorus girl)
To pay for my tomfoolery
The yokels pawn their jewelry
In the Aphrodisiae that Mr Ziegfeld glories in
St. Louis, Philadelphia
I'm raising lots of hell for ya

# WHERE CREDIT IS DUE

By

Milton Hocky
and

Howard J. Green

Before curtain a MAN appears and says:

MAN

Due to an error on the programme, proper credit has not been given for the furnishings and costumes used in the next number. We have done our best to remedy the mistake. I thank you.

(Curtains open and reveal a bare stage save for a lounge, stage Left, with a little table bearing an incense burner on it and another table stage right, with a clock on it. Enter JULIA in evening gown)

Julia

Half-past nine by the clock supplied by the Waterbury
Clock Company, and Jim not here yet. What can be keeping
him?

(MARIE the maid enters Left)

Marie

You called me, ma'am?

Julia

Yes, Marie.... Marie, burn some incense.

Marie

Vantine Company's incense, ma'am?

Julia

Yes. And, in that atmosphere, how can he resist me.

Marie

If he does you can play to him.

Julia

On my Knabe piano.

2.

Marie

Which you use exclusively.

(Bell rings)

Julia

There is Jim now.

(MARIE exits walking across stage awkwardly)

Maid supplied by the Swedish employment agency.

(She drapes herself elaborately over the lounge stage left)

(Enter JIM)

(They exchange the customary "Jim" and "Julia" and embrace)

Jim

You look positively ravishing today, my darling. How do you manage to look so wonderful?

Julia

(Standing up)

Dress designed by Lee Simonson. Mazarin Pearls from Oyster Bay. By the way, you don't look half bad yourself.

Jim

Park & Tilford's!

(A sound is heard in the hall off-stage, and the voice of a MAN calling "Julia, Julia!")

Julia

Good God! My husband! Hide, Jimmy, hide behind the divan here by the courtesy of the Ludwig-Bauman Company.

Jim

(As he runs behind the lounge)

Lud-Bauman! Thank God!

(He is too late as FRED, the husband enters)

Fred

What does this mean?

(He draws a revolver and shoots Jim)

Take that you dirty rascal, from the Remington Arms Company.

(JIM falls flat on his face stage C.)

(FRED is about to shoot his wife)

THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE GETTING

By

Benjamin M. Kaye

Scene - Table Centre, a box downstage left on which JOE, tying his shoes is seated, singing a Salvation army song. There are two chairs at either side of the table, another chair up stage right, and one downstage left.

Tony
(Shouting offstage)

Joe! Joe!
(Enter TONY, bottle and glass in hand and carrying his shoes in the other hand. He is in his stocking feet)

Joe - Where you is, Joe?

Joe
What, Tony?

Tony
You goin' get married -

Joe
What d'ye mean, Tony?

Tony
(Sitting down)

(At left of table)

Dis place mucha too quiet. I wanna have roun' here a woman, an' bambino - babies - eight, ten, twelve lil' babies, heh?

Joe
(Who has gotten up from the box)
Well, what's that gotta do with me?

Tony
Well, Joe - I wanna you get married and make for Tony eight, ten twelve lil' babies, eh, Joe?

Joe
But, Tony, - I couldn't propose to a girl. Why, I'm even afraid to talk to one.

2.

(JOE sits down at right of table)

Tony

I know, Joe - you're goddam fool - Is true? Sure, is
true. I gotta all dat fix for you - You go to bed an'
make out dat you breaka da leg. I senda to Frisco for
pretty nurse.

(JOE protests)

She nursa you - you marry her - an' mak'a gaddam much
bambinos for Tony.

Joe

Ah - but, Tony -

Tony

Hey you Gaddam grape-nut, I tella you it alla fix. Now
you go to bed - Nurse, she be here any minute.

(He begins to push Joe offstage)

Last night I senda her telegram.

Joe

Do ye think she'll stay, Tony?

Tony

Sure. Looka.

(Exhibits a string of pearls. He
pulls these pearls only a quarter
way out of his pocket)

Joe

Gee - Tony, they take the Pulitzer prize.

Tony

Plenty money. Costa four dollar. Plenty good for nurse.

(Replaces pearls)

Joe

Who is she anyhow?

Tony

I dunno. Now gowan. Get Gaddam hurryup to bed.

(Noise indicating arrival of some-
body)

Whatta dat? I be t dat's de nurse.

(Pushes Joe off stage R. Fills
glass from bottle. Enter AMY all
out of breath)

Amy

(Nervously and tense)

Well, I certainly had an awful time gettin' here. I thought
that somebody would be there to meet me. Well, this is
certainly not my idea of the way a lady ought to be met.

3.

(AMY has made an attempt to grab the bottle of wine which has been standing on the table)

Amy
No, I don't get it, I don't get it at all. I guess I'll sit down.

(Sits down chair stage left)
Well, is this it? Is this the place?

Tony
Sure, disa da place. An' I'm-a Tony, Tony Patucci.

Amy
(Iumping up)
I'm very pleased to have made your acquaintance.

Tony
You likea da place, eh?

Amy
(Getting up and looking straight at audience)
You certainly got some view out here - all them prunes and lemons. I guess I'll sit down.

(She falls into a chair at right of table)

Tony
Sure, fina place!
(Sits down at opposite chair, takes a long drink from his bottle. AMY watches him nervously)

Amy
Say, are you de guy dat's sick?

Tony
No. Dio mio, I no sick.

Amy
Ye aren't sick?
(Jumps up)
Well, of all the dirty, lowlife tricks that ever was played on a girl! Gee! I feel terrible.

Tony
(Calming her down)
Dat all right. No getta excite - I got a sick man inside.

Amy
What's the matter with him?

4.

Tony

Aw - I dunno - breaka da leg, mebbe two - you no worry
- he very sick.

Amy

Broken legs - my God - I guess I'll sit down.
(Sits chair stage L)
I gotta go back to Frisco.

Tony

Now, whassa matter, you breaka your leg? - Say, what your
name?

Amy

My name's Amy.

Tony

Dat's a nicea name Amy.

Amy

(Jumping up)

Say, I don't remember givin' you leave to use my Christian
name.

Tony

Aw, Amy, you gotta me wrong, Amy. Looka here.
(Pulls ax a pearl necklace which is
about six feet long but of his pocket
and shows it to her)

Amy

Gee - pearls! Oh, they're beautiful. Are they real?

Tony

(Winding them around her neck)

You betcha. It costa four huner' dolla.

Amy

(Sinking under their weight)

I guess I'll sit down. O Tony, you're so good to me.
An' kin I wear 'em whenever I want, Tony?

Tony

Sure, you can wear 'em in the bath tub if you like.

(AMY STARTS to weep)

Amy

(Getting up)

Tony, you've been so good to me! I gotta tell you some-
thing.

5.

Tony

Yeah - I know. You gotta sit down.

Amy

No, not this time. What I've got to tell you is going
to make you awful mad, Tony. It's goin' to make you just
crazy. But I can't help that, and you'll kick me out
when you hear it. I ain't no nurse. I'm just a hash-
slinger. I work in a spaghetti joint in Frisco. See?
An' your telegram came for my sister. She's a nurse, see?
An' - an' - she wasn't home - an' I wanted to get away,
see? I just couldn't stand it any more. And now I gotta
go back to Frisco.

Tony

No - you no go 'way. You keepa de pearls.xm Now you
stay?

Amy

Of course I'll stay. You don't think any self-respectin'
girl would accept jewelry from a man unless she was goin'
to stay, - not real jewelry. But Tony, you sure you're
not angry because I'm only a make-believe nurse?

Tony

Tha's all right, Amy. Him only make-believe sick.

Amy

Make-believe sick! I guess I'll sit down.
(Starts to sit down)

Tony

(Grabs her arm and leads her off R
saying)

Hey! You sit down too Goddam' much! You go an' sit down
by Joe.
(Exit TONY and AMY R)

Curtain

6.

## Scene Two

Discovered: TONY and JOE. Seated
Left and Right of table, respectively.

Tony

Now wan' you go marry Amy. She here t'ree mont' an' you
no say anything.

Joe

Aw, Tony, I don't want to get married. I wanna go back to
de Salvation Army.

Amy

(Off stage, R, cries out in an
agonized tone)

My God!

(TONY and JOE jump to their feet amazed.\Enter AMY L. She staggers around and
sits in chair L. Jumps up and sits
in chair R. Jumps up and looks for an-
other chair. TONY dashes off R. and
offers her a chair. AMY sits in that.
Jumps up. JOE dashes L and offers her
that chair. AMY goes over and sits in
that)

Listen, I've got something to tell ye. I was down to see
the doctor this morning; Tony and the doctor says I'm goin'
to have a Tax auditin' a baby. An' what I want to know is -
what are you <u>two</u> guys goin' to do about it?

Both Men

(Together)

Well, I guess I'll sit down.

(They drop into the chairs on Right and
Left)

Amy

(Tearful)

Go on. Quarrel - quarrel between yourselves. Gee, an'
I trusted both of you!

Tony

I gotta idea.

(Takes pack of cards from his pocket)

Now, Amy, you take de card an' turna up one by one. It
turna ace...... you marry Tony. It turna Jack, you marry
Joe.

7.

Amy

All right.... that's fair enough.
(Takes cards and prepares to turn)

Tony

Wait a minute. Joe, you go in an' bring Tony bottle vine.
No can play cards without vine.

(Exit JOE R. AMY starts to cry,
putting the cards down on the table.
TONY walks over to her and puts his
hands on her shoulder. TONY walks over
to her and puts his hands on her shoul-
der)

Say, you're cryin'. Whassa matter, kid?

Amy

For God's sake, leave me alone, can't you!
(Embraces TONY and almost throws him
over)

(TONY breaks away from Amy and starts
off R in the direction of Joe)

Amy

(Jumps in front of Tony)

No you don't. You marry me, Tony.... Joe... he's no good.
He'll run away from me for the Salvation Army. You gotta
marry me.
Tony

Tony

But what about the cards?

Amy

Here... you just give me de cards.

Tony

What ye goin' to do?

Amy

I take out all de Jacks.
(Takes out all the Jacks. Enter
JOE with bottle of wine)

Joe

Here's your vine, Tony.

Tony

Fine.

(Drinks)

Now Amy, you turn da card.

(AMY turns and finally turns up
an Ace)

9.

Tony

Hello Doc ... Dio mio, me glad to see you.

Doctor

Tony -- There's something I must tell you --

Tony

That's all right, Doc. -- Amy is goin' to have a bambino.
You tell her this morning.

Doctor

(Surprised)

But I didn't tell Amy anything.

Tony

What?

Joe

You didn't ---

Doctor

Why, no -- I just heard of it from Joe here.

Tony

(To Amy - getting angry)

Lo oka here -- De Doc - he tella you about bambino like
you tella us or not - heh?

Amy

(Nervously)

Now listen, I gotta tell you just exactly how
it is, so's you won't be thinking afterwards that
I've been worse than I am.

CURTAIN
WARNING

Tony

Goddam! You tella me quick - you gotta de bambino?

Amy

(Crying)

Listen, Tony. God, it's the truth I'm tryin' to tell you
this time. It ain't because you haven't been good to me
an' it ain't because I ain't been grateful. But there
ain't gonna be no baby.

Tony

(In a rage)

You got no baby!

(To Joe)

You got no baby?

(To Doctor)

You got no baby!

(Falls in an agony of rage on floor.)

2.

Coolidge

Now, mommer, you know how it is.

Mrs.

Yes, I know how it is. First you come in at nine, and
then it's ninethirty, and now it's five after ten. Where
were you this time?

Coolidge

Over to Herb Hoover's.

(Sits down chair right)

Mrs.

I know it. You don't see enough of that man all day, but
you must hang out with him at night, too. Whatever did
you do till five after ten?

(Then a little scared and slowly
rising)

You....didn't....talk....did you, Calvin?

Coolidge

Mommer, what would I have to say?

Mrs

Who did talk, then?

Coolidge

Nobody much, Mommer. You see, we said we'd quit at nine
sharp.

(Takes off coat, revealing bright
suspenders)

But Herb suggested one round of conference, and, of course,
I couldn't quit a winner.

(Sits down)

Mrs.

(Sits down opposite Coolidge as she
comes over to table.)

And what did you till nine?

Coolidge

Well, Herb has a new radio set, and we had an awful lot
of fun with that. You know, we had Russia for a moment,
but of course, none of us would recognize it but Borah.

Mrs.

Borah? Was he invited too?

Coolidge

No, he just crashed in the way he always does.

(Yawning and picking up papers)

Sunday papers already?

3.

Mrs.

Sure. They've been here since six o'clock. Why, it's
pretty near time for Monday's New York American.

Coolidge

(Turning papers)

Oh, look at this, Mommer. The New York Tribune says
that on account of Hindenberg's election, I've got to call
another Arms Conference.

(Turning to her)

Say, that's an idea.

Mrs.

You can't go by that. The Washington Post says that on
account of Hindenberg's election, you can't call another
Arms Conference.

Coolidge

That's pretty confusing. You know, it might get to the
point where I might have to make the decision. There's nothin'
much intuitionalism these papers, Mommer.

(Turning pages of papers)

That's nothing but ads. "Japan Prepares Aero Defense Against America," "New Rum Chief Promises Dry U.S." "Eighty-one Miners Entombed," "France May Resume Ruhr Warfare" -- where's the Ruhr, Mommer?

Mrs.

Maybe they mean rear.

Coolidge

Well, they ought to learn how to spell.... Listen to this
Mommer.

(He reads with astonishment)

"THREE LEGGED MEN IN DEATH PACT WITH HER OWNER. Winsted, Conn....Henry Gabot Pasquale, professional hermit, residing at R.F.B. Number 3, and Naomi, a three-legged hen that lived with him, were found dead this morning in one of the most unusual death pacts ever recorded, even in this vicinity. Pasquale left a six-year old boy in school at California. Naomi left two eggs.

Mrs.

(Skeptically)

Do you think that's true, Popper?

Coolidge

(Shocked)

True! Why, here it is, Mommer, right in a Republican paper.

Mrs.

(Takes paper from him)

Let's see. Oh, Calvin, here's a good advertisement - "Two-

4.

pants suits to your measure, $35."

Coolidge

No, if I buy another suit so soon after Easter, people
will begin to talk. Well, I guess I'll hit the hay,
Monner. Give me that clock.

(MRS. hands him clock)

I set it for six. Is that all right, Monner?

Mrs.

Why so early?

Coolidge

Got to shave.

Mrs.

(Getting up and going towards exit
right)

Why didn't you shave tonight?

Coolidge

Well, Charlie Hughes is down for the week-end, and we
didn't want to make him feel bad.

Mrs.

Remember to put the light out, Calvin. Our electricity
bill was pretty big last month.

Coolidge

Don't I know it.

(MRS. exits. COOLIDGE looks at clock
again)

Gosh, what a party!

Mrs.

(Calls off stage)

What party, Calvin?

Coolidge

(Embarrassed)

The Republican Party, Monner.

CURTAIN

FATE IN THE MORNING

Scene - Table downstage Center.
Couch downstage Right.

There is a cut-out upstage Center
of a door and window showing stars
against the sky.

At rise GEORGE is seated at the
table, reading a book. There are two
other chairs around the table.

George

(Reading)

The man who first gave expression to philosophic thought
in the Hungarian language - - - -

(Fearful barking off stage. MATHILDE
rushes in closely followed by dog)

(The person playing Mathilde should
be a man - The same is true of the
dog)

Mathilde

(Running hysterically to the door C.)

The dogs - they're coming - the door - shut the door.

(The dog runs around to the couch and
rests there on the offstage side of
it)

Who are you?

George

George - George Peredy -

Mathilde

I'm Mrs. Pay, Gabriel's wife. I've come to see you - how
old are you?

George

Eighteen.

Mathilde

(Coming close to him, seductively)

And there's no one around?

["2.", "George", "They've all gone to the banana ball.\n(MATHILDE cries, buries her head\nin her arms as she sits down at\ntable R.)", "Please - I beg of you Mrs Pay - don't - don't cry.", "Mathilde", "(Looking up)", "Does it hurt you when I cry?", "George", "I can't look at you.\n(Sits on sofa)", "Mathilde", "George x talix x how x am I going x tax x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x

3.

Mathilde

Flunked? - Delightful. You know, George, I feel almost
like a student myself. Comrades - that's what we are -
comrades - I feel so free - and so empty --
(She gets up)

I haven't eaten since noon.

George

I'm so sorry - I'll get you something right away.
(He runs off Left)

Mathilde

(Alone, takes off her coat, hat)

No one around?

(The dog shakes his head "no" - He gets up, goes over to Mathilde, bows, takes her things as if he were a servant, puts them down over the sofa, gets on his knees again and throws her a kiss with both hands)

Charming house, this.

(A loud crash is heard offstage)

(Enter GEORGE suddenly carrying a bottle of beer and a string of sausages which hang over a tray. The dog makes a dash towards stage left to get at the sausages - GEORGE steps up stage to avoid him. MATHILDE flings herself over stage Right)

George

Mathilde - how beautiful you are!

Mathilde

Really - do I look well - and my hair -

George

Your hair - I never in my life saw anything like it.

Mathilde

You're a foolish boy and I mustn't listen to you -
(Runs up close to George)

Go on.

George

I never dreamed there could be such a miracle as you.

Mathilde

Tell me, George, what was that awful noise?

4.

George

I dropped the bologna.

Mathilde

The bologna - Did you hurt yourself - Let me see your
hand.

(GEORGE shows her his hand and she
takes it in hers. GEORGE feeling
bashful, steps back, embarrassed)

(Pause)

George

Won't you have some Vajda?

Mathilde

I daren't drink Vajda - it goes to my stomach too
easily - this is the Center of Civilization. Your health,
George.

(They are both seated at the table
- GEORGE at left - MATHILDE Center.
GEORGE has poured out the beer for
Mrs. Fay as well as for himself)

George

Your health, Mrs. Fay.

Mathilde

Don't call me Mrs. Fay - I'm not as odd as that.

George

What shall I call you?

Mathilde

My name is Mathilde, but my boy friends call me Tillie.
Your health, George.

George

Yours, Tillie.

(He blows the foam off his beer
straight into her face. She gets
up - very uncomfortable - and wipes
her hands on George's ears. When
she is through, she slaps the dog
gently. The dog gives her a coquettish
poke)

Mathilde

(To George)

You've never been host before?
(She takes another slug at the beer)
(Jumps up, rushes to the cut-out at
back)

5.

Mathilde

Tell me, George, what is it - this heat as if I were
on fire - for it's night.

George

It is the Pussta - it's been very hot today - tomorrow
there will be a *mirage*.

Mathilde

Mirage - that sounds like something quite wild - quite
adventurous - Give me some more Vajda, George, it makes
no difference if I do get a bit tight - no one can see
me here - no one -

George

No - no one.

Mathilde

(Takes another drink of beer)
(And sits down at the chair which
has been pushed into center stage)
(Looking up)

Sorry?

George

For what?

Mathilde

Because they didn't take you with them?

George

No - even if you hadn't come - but this way --

Mathilde

Go on, George - this way, tell me -
(She goes very close to him. He is
too embarrassed to do anything)

You don't know life -

George

No one in the world is as happy as I am.

Mathilde

And It?

(Pounds her breast and coughs)

George

You - aren't you happy?

Mathilde

I - with my - em-pi-ty life. Oh, well, lackaday!

6.

(The dog who throughout the sketch
has been aping the movements of
the actors, makes a gesture of in-
difference as if he too were saying
"Lackaday.")

Mathilde

Didn't someone expect you at the banana ball?

George

Who should expect me?

Mathilde to

Some beautiful lady with whom you want to dance with.

George

I've never kissed a lady in my life.

Mathilde

Then you've never been in love?

George

Till now, never.

Mathilde

And now - go on George - Tell Tilly! Tell me - Don't be
afraid -

(She has seated herself in a chair
and is beckoning him to her. GEORGE
springing at her)

George

I love you -

Mathilde

You love - me - you saw me today for the first time and
you love me -

George

(On his knees)

(Passionately)

I love you - I should like to die for you.

Mathilde

(Laughing)

Ha! Ha! All my boy friends tell me that -

George

You don't believe me - one word - just say one word and I'll
pull the trigger. I'll die this minute if you wish it.

(He jumps up and picks up the penny
cap-pistol that has been lying on the
table during the sketch)

7.

Mathilde

(Screaming)

George, put that gun down!

(GEORGE has picked up the pistol and is about to shoot it. MATHILDE

struggles with him for it - the dog watches it, jumping around in glee)

(Finally the shot goes off. MATHILDE falls all over herself, stage right, the dog tumbles all over himself but begins to examine his body to see if he has been hurt, as soon as the shot has been fired)

(Getting up and jumping on the sofa)

I love you.

George

Is this true or am I dreaming?

(He embraces her furiously, till they both fall to the floor.)

Mathilde

Yes, we are dreaming - both of us.

George

No - this is reality - here - here - here - They leave me here alone for punishment and then you come and are here alone with me. That's why I had to stay home. Fate meant we should be together -

(Ad lib - )

Mathilde

This is life! No - more than life! Till now everything has been emptiness, and disgust - I had to come here to find you - You with your young pure soul - Uh! - My husband - how I hate him -

(She jumps onto the sofa. GEORGE follows her madly)

George

Never - never - you'll never go back to him again. I won't let you. Tomorrow I'll speak to papa.

Mathilde

(After pause)

What did you say?

George

I'll talk to father - You'll divorce your husband and I'll marry you.

Mathilde

(Laughing)

You want to marry me - You sweet little fool

8.

George

You'll divorce your husband.

Mathilde

Yes, I'll divorce him - If he insists -

George

If he doesn't want to, I'll kill him. I'll kill every man who even looks at you.

Mathilde

(Eostatically)

My brave friend.

George

We'll never part.

Mathilde

Oh, yes we will.

(She shoves him toward the door)

Now you must go to bed.

(GEORGE goes out reluctantly - saying "Good night." MATHILDE extricates herself from the sofa in which her dress has become entangled - She calls to dog - who approaches her. She steps on the dog's tail. He lets out a yell - She sits down at table, posing innocently - GEORGE enters Center.)

George

Did you call?

Mathilde

Go to bed at once, you bad boy!

(GEORGE puts down a blanket which he has over his arm. He's about to go out)

You may kiss my hand.

(GEORGE makes a gesture as if to kiss her. She runs from him and he follows her. They run around the room several times this way till George falls in a faint in her arms. She drags him off to the dog follows them)

Mathilde
Is that your room, George?

George
Yes.

Mathilde
Is that your bed?

George
Yes.

Curtain

# ON WITH THE DANCE

## Scene in One.

There's a revolution cuttin' loose like the deuce,
It's a thunderbolt
It's the evolution of the truth calling
Youth with a mighty jolt.

It says you mustn't conceal anything you feel
In its execution, this new dance at a glance is a big revolt.

## CHORUS

On with the dance and off with your scruples,
Come take a chance, you can all be pupils.
It may be rude
It may be crude
But don't say no,
You like romance don't try to suppress it.
Break into dance, you're sure to confess it
Don't you avoid
What you've enjoyed
Just let 'er go
And if you're falling in love, you don't
Have to call a physician.
Start in to dance and step on that mean inhibition,
You can dance with your Nell
And dance with your Sally
Dance on the El and dance in the alley -
Don't look askance,
But on with the dance!

(Curtain opens on chorus and and
does a dance to music refrain)

2.

## Blunchli

You can't have the Garrick, they're trying something new.
Some crazy kids are doing a revue.

## Raina

Oh, Father dear, I fear you're through -
Those kids can fool the public just as out as well as you.

(The curtains open and ANG a gothic
arch is seen stage Center. Two tall
candles are at either side of it.
As in the final scene of St. Joan.
Through the arch appears ST. JOAN who
sings as she walks down the steps of
the arch)

## Joan

The Garrick where so long I was sainted
By vulgar antics has been tainted,
No longer am I gratified
That I have been beatified!

left

(From the Right DICK DUDGEON, from
"The Devil's Disciple" enters on a
bound, springing over Shaw's bed than to
Center stage, where he sings)

## Dick

I'm Dick Dudgeon, the Devil's Disciple.
The fact these kids our Garrick swipe'll
Make poor Pop, our proud creator
Look around for another Theayter!

(From left right enter CAESAR and
CLEOPATRA, dressed in the manner of
that play)

## Cleopatra

I'm Cleopatra.

## Caesar

I am Caesar.
They've given our Popix a punch in the beezer!

## Shaw

Peace, my children, whatever they do
Your Bernard Shaw can do it too
And I will be a play physician
Writing these brats a new edition.
I've written a new refrain for that in-
Delicate song they call Manhattan.
I'm sure that it will be a riot,
And Caesar and Cleop that try it!

3.

Caesar

In dear old Egypt I'm gonna be gypped on the Nile!
For camels I will walk a mile! Mammy!

Cleo

Among the Sphinxes with pretty minxes you will flirt!
You'd better be alert
Or you'll create some dirt - with some skirt!

Caesar

On the Oasis in shady places fate designs

Cleo

That we must speak some clever lines

Caesar

And I will wise-crack you, dear, amid
The shades of a pyramid.

We'll turn the desert into an isle of joy!

Shaw

Now Blunchli and Raina, see

If you can sing Sentimental Me!

(As they Blunchli and Raina step forward to sing "Sentimental Me!" CAESAR and CLEOPATRA form a group Center and with others, do a step as the others are singing)

B. and R.

Oh, Chocolate Soldier,

And poor ecstatic you,

Reading lines in all that we can do.

We sit around on chairs and chatter

As mad as any hatter

While Papa's purse gets fixx fatter anew!

I sit and talk, you talk and sit upon my knee.

We saturate in clever repartee!

We make sad efforts to be funny

While Shaw gets all the money

From ecstatic you and Chocolate Soldier me,

Dick

That's pretty good,

But Pop, how would you terminate this ballet?

Shaw

With the regulation show finale,

Clear the stage and let them do

So the proper thing in a revue.

They are all instilled

With Gilding the Guild,

"THREE MUSKETEERS"

Scene in One.

From stage right enters a MUSKETEER fighting an imaginary foe. Another MUSKETEER enters the same way from left. They both retreat backwards till they bump one another. They turn in surprise and both exclaim "Mon Ami!" "Mon Petit Coco!" and embrace. The THIRD MUSKETEER appears thru the Center of the back curtain with an exclamation "Yes, indeed!"

1st Musketeer

Three Musketeers who fought for fun
Were one for all and all for one
In days of good King Louis.

All

They knocked his foes gafloocey!

2nd Musketeer

But then when the King bawled out the Queen
And made her swallow Paris Green.

3rd Musketeer

Our heroes said "Revenge is sweet!"

And kicked old Louis down the street.

1st Musketeer

And though the King had a seat on his throne
He soon was thrown on his seat!

All

Ah!

Chorus

(All in unison)

Three Merry Musketeers,
Athos, Porthos and Aramis
We are the kitten's pajamas,
Three Musketeers!

1st Musketeer

If one could make a lady fall

'Twas all for one and one for all,

2nd Musketeer

The lady wasn't slighted,

The trio was united!

2.

3rd Musketeer
Our heroes made her husband fret
His wife now had a male quartette.

1st Musketeer
When busy sang off key at that
The Musketeers gave him that but his hat.

2nd Musketeer
Because his voice kept flat on the key
They kept the key of his flat!

Ah!

Chorus

Three Merry Musketeers,
Athos, Porthos and Aramis - etc.

(The MUSKETEERS exit after a short
dance routine. The 1st MUSKETEER
brandishing his sword, exultingly.)

1st Musketeer
Three musketeers so brave and bold,
They never let their feet get cold.

2nd Musketeer
They fought for lovely ladies
French Sallies, Janes, Ladies.

3rd Musketeer
And when a damsel in distress,
To them would send an S.O.S.

2nd Musketeer
They'd hurry down to set her free,
But looked her over carefully.

1st Musketeer
And if they didn't think her face about right
They all would right about face.

(The MUSKETEERS right about face and
thru the curtains the Property Man may
hand them a fire hat, a drum and drum
sticks which one of the musketeers puts
around his neck and the third musketeer
takes a bandage for his head and a small
American flag. All thru this number the
Musketeers can ad. lib. by use of various
properties and changes of voice. When
they have turned the sing the following in French:.)

3.

Athos

(Taking out a book from his boot)
Trois mousquetaires aimaien t a bire
Ils se battaient seul pour la gloire
(Hands book to Aramis)

Aramis

Et pour les petites dames
(To Athos)
Danke Schoen.

Athos

Bitte, sehr.

Aramis: Ils ont de bonnes grandes ames
Et guard une fille en detresse
Les appellaien t en S.O.S.

Athos

Ils marchent avec celente
Et veulent leur donner liberte.

Porthos

Oh, that's French.

All

And if they didn't think her face about right
They all did right about face. Ah!

(They all do right about face and thru
the curtains the Property Man may hand
them a fire hat, a drum and drum sticks
which one of the musketeers puts around
his neck and the third musketeer takes
a bandage for his head and a small
American flag. All thru this number the
Musketeers can ad.lib. by use of various
properties and change of voice. When they
have turned they sing the following in
German)

All

Drei schoene Musketeer
Athos, Porthos and Aramis
Wer sind die Katjen Pajamas
Drei Musketeer.

(They exit in a manner suggestive of
a "Yankee Doodle" March.)

---

STAGE MANAGER'S CHORUS

Scene in One.

The Stage Managers enter on tip toe
from stage right, with their fingers
upon their lips. They begin.

All Stage Managers
Ssh - There's a bird that's more unheard
Of than the Scarlet Tanager.
Poor in fame, but rich in blame,
The Theater-Guild Stage Manager.
We're the boys who hush the noise
And keep the actors quiet.
When carpenters rattle
We go into battle,
We're willing to do it or die it!
That is why we're always getting hell!

REFRAIN

Hush! Hush! Hush! Hush!
Walk upon your toes.
If you make the slightest sound
We'll biff you on the nose.
Smother your sniggle
And stop your giggle
And pull up your wriggling hose.
Any child can run the stage,
The job is just a pose;
That's why we run the Theater Guild shows!

1st Stage Manager
When Moffat Johnson had to ride
To save that devil Sydney's hide,
You heard the gallop of his horse.
I played the horse's part of course.
(He takes a pair of prop hoofs and
bangs them on the floor)

2nd Stage Manager
And when Miss Pauline Lord got hot
Because Dick Bennet swore a lot
She blamed the door, you thought her grand,
We were the door! She got the hand!
(He makes an effstage door-slam with
a prop provided for the purpose)

3rd Stage Manager
Appolodorus braves the Nile
And shows his legs for quite a while.
He takes the dive and makes the flash,
But I'm the boy who makes the splash.

2.

(He sprinkles salt on the stage and uses an atomizer to make sound of sprinkling water)

4th Stage Manager
When Peppy Schildkraut squared his back
And sapt upon the railroad track
You heard the Budapest Express,
But then, you just heard me, I guess.

(Blows a whistle)

5th Stage Manager
Processional is a thrilling play
In which machine-guns roar away
You heard the bullets fast and thick
But I'm the boy who did the trick.

(Beats on a pad that gives the impression of shots)

6th Stage Manager
The Guardsman's music played off-stage
Would make poor Alfred fume with rage
We signalled soft and loud each night
With this demure electric light.

(From the right a woman elegantly
dressed appears. All the Stage Managers
bow low, getting upon their knees)

The Woman
If you see Mr. Starlight, tell him that if he ever speaks
to me again, I'll not go out on the stage.

(She exits)

(From the left appears a MAN. The Stage
Managers bow to him)

The Man
If you see Miss Starbite, tell her that if she ever speaks
to me again, I'll not go out on the stage.

(The WOMAN appears again. As soon as
she appears, the MAN becomes very gallant.
He says "How are you, Miss Starbite." She
says "How are you, Mr Starlight." He
says, "Won't you come out for lunch with me?"
Arm in arm they go out to center curtain,
stepping over the kneeling Stage Managers.
STAGE MANAGERS repeat chorus of their song)

5.

Mary

With you!

Call for me when the meeting is through.

(The boys and girls who work in the store all dressed and ready to go home through the center door, come in, from right and left. They are stopped by two Pages)

Two Pages

Listen folks for just a minute!

Don't go home - there's a meeting.

Our employer, Mister Jeremiah Price

Will give you several words of good advice.

All

Hurray! Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

He's gonna give something away!

(MR. PRICE, expensively and elegantly clad enters in his most benevolent and pompous manner. He nods patronizingly to all)

Price

(From the top of the stairs)

Good-evening, little busy-bees.

All

Good-evening, Mr. Price!

Everybody

We surely think it very nice

For you to give us your attention.

Price

Oh, not at all, it is my duty

To spread the light of joy and beauty -

To give you all my inspiration,

Thus everyone will love his occupation.

(He comes down center)

Although the modern rage is

A cry for higher wages

I pay you less to keep you from temptation!

I've built you a chapel for sweet meditation,

I've built you a rest room for your recreation,

I've built you a ball-field for health conservation,

So you can all work through the summer vacation...

Tell me, do you love your work?

All

(Circling about him)

Mr. Price, it's very nice!

5.

(MR ICE goes up stage center on
the steps)

All
Hurray! Murray! Murray! Murray!
He's gonna give something away!

Price
Step forward, Miss Mary Brown
(MISS MARY BROWN steps forward)
Because you never flirt you
Have earned a prize for virtue,
Because you're modest as a girl can be,
A copy of my memoirs autographed by -- me!
(MARY BROWN steps back in her place)
Mr. Thomas Jones!
(THOMAS JONES comes forward)
A model of morality
Unto the whole locality.
He who denies it spreads a libel.
You've won a copy of the Bible!
Tom Jones and Mary Brown,
You're two of the nicest young people in town.
To close the meeting as the skies grow dim,
Let's greet the twilight with our loving hymn.

(TOM and MARY join each other center
in front of Price and everybody forms
a circle about the stage)

All
Onward! Onward! Follow your duty!
Onward! Onward! Joyfully bold!
In the loyal army of beauty
Smile away and do as you're told!
Follow! Follow duty delightful!
Follow! Follow duty today!
Pack each minute so tight full, right full!
Smile gaily as you pray!
AMEN!

Price
Goodnight!

All
(Extending their hands to shake hands
with Mr. Price)

Goodnight!
(ALL exit except MR. PRICE who follows
after them saying "I'll be late for
supper." TOM is adjusting some chairs
stage left. MARY doing likewise stage
right)

6.

Tom
(Runs over to Mary stage left
and kisses her)

Mary
Is that nice?

Tom
Very nice.

Mary
It's so late!

Tom
Please let's wait!

Mary
I'll be late for supper.

(TOM kisses her again. They dance
around stage in close embrace)

(MR. PRICE comes in and looks upon
them with horror. He slaps his hands)

Price
What's this, Tom Jones? and Mary Brown?

Mary
Oh!

Tom
Oh!

Price
Oh-oh-oh-oh! That doesn't mean a thing, you know!
You'll kindly tell me whether
You think this store is a temple of Venus!

Tom
Oh, sir, there's nothing wrong between us
How could we know that anyone had seen us?

Price
It's too outrageous to be true!
A fatal sin! What you did does not matter.
It's all the same.
It is a shame!
I cannot tell just what your vice is,
But such mistakes won't do at Price's.

Like Caesar's wife must be a queen

Like for Price's name and high position
Like Caesar's wife must be above suspicion!

You're fired!

7.

(During the last few speeches the
commotion has attracted the sales
people of the store who return.
They gather around Mr. Price, Tom
and Mary, and during the last few
lines of his speech, they sway
to the jazz rhythm of the music that
accompanies them.)

Tom

We fire ourselves!

Price

And they both won the prize! I doubt my eyes.
I want my two books.

(TOM flings his book at Price from
upstage Center where he has gone
with MARY. Everybody is around them
congratulating them. MARY flings her
book likewise and says "Here's mine!"

(PRICE composes himself. Crowd gathers
around him. He sings:)

These sinners dim the light of beauty,
And TAX Purge our sin and pay the price

So fill the cup with joy up to the brim

To purge our souls we'll sing our loving hymn.

All

In the loyal army of beauty

Follow! Follow labor today!

Smile gaily as you pray!

AMEN.

(This song has been sung in a sarcastic
and insurgent manner. As one of the
salesmen on Price's command has inam
encouraged them to strike, they all move
towards Price threateningly as they
sing it and Price is crowded into a corner
stage right, and is thrown over, as the
CURTAIN FALLS and the last strains of
their song is heard)

Curtain

AND THEREBY HANGS A TAIL

By

Morris Ryskind
and
Phillip Loeb

Scene - a courtroom in the jungle.
In center is a judge's stand, behind
which is a cut-out representing a
palm-tree. On both sides of stage
there are series of benches in rows
of three for the jury.. There is a
chair next to the judge's bench
for the prisoner. All the characters
in this scene have monkey-masks.
Otherwise they are dressed as befits
them.

Judge

In all probability this is the most sensational case in
the annals of the jungle. The defendant, Abbadaba
Darwin, is charged with spreading the pernicious doctrine
of evolution, which teaches that that a stupid animal,
man, is our grandchild,

(Hisses from everybody including
Jury)

But, according to our constitution, no matter how vicious
all the criminals may be, he is entitled to a fair trial.
Bring in the prisoner,

(PRISONER is brought in and placed
on stool in front of judge's bench.
Monkeys crowd around him clawing at
him. The JUDGE pounds his gavel.
Jury sits down)

The prosecution will present its case, Mr. District Attorney.

District Attorney

(Who has been sitting with the jury-
men but on the upstage side, as near
as possible to the Judge, gets up)

Your Honor, the prosecution is in the hands of that revered
Democrat, Mr. William Jennings Bryan.

Judge

Where is Mr. Bryan?

2.

## District Attorney

Mr. Bryan is outside waiting for the psychological moment to enter.

(All the monkeys cheer and cavort, the orchestra breaks out into "Tammany" and BRYAN enters up C. carrying his big black hat and a large white handkerchief. He is followed by CHARLIE BRYAN who carries two old battered black handbags. CHARLES has his skull cap on. MIMI BRYAN comes down C. with his brother behind and to the L of him. The JUDGE is right of Bryan the District Attorney is L. of Charles. All the monkeys stand as Bryan sings)

## Bryan

(Singing)

I'm sure I'd rather prosecute this case
than run another presidential race;
For the Congo's greatest menace is
A monkey who will not believe in Genesis.
I assure the learned ape upon the bench
I will cross examine with a monkey wrench.
(CHAS. comes forward and BRYAN leans
back to sort of whisper in his ear as
he sings)

So please make note of every statement or conjecture
It'll come in very handy on my next Chataqua lecture
I am very glad to hand out good advice
To any group of folks who'll pay my price.

## CHORUS

I grow more wealthy as I get old
Speech may be silver,
But speeches are gold.

(All monkeys repeat this chorus,
BRYAN bowing benignly to right and
left)

## 2nd Verse

They call me the Great Commoner-here's why
No man could be much commoner than I
And I'm known in each locality
As the silvertongued defender of morality.
I started this prohibition on its way,
And all of us are law-breakers to-day
And every speech I make for home and mammy
Goes to build another little cabin in Miami
I am very glad to hand out good advice
To any group of folks who pay my price.

3.

(He sings chorus by himself again,
and then the monkeys sing the chorus
filing by Bryan right and left shaking
his hand. At the end of the song,
Bryan toddles up to the bench which he
ascends by the L. side and sits next the
judge who goes up on bench by R side)

(The district attorney takes his place
again on his stool and CHad. takes the
bags up stage R and stands on the floor
R of bench)

Bryan
(Standing O on bench)

Well you have a very nice place here.

(The district attorney)
I wonder what your real estate is selling for?

Judge
Excuse me, Mr. Bryan, but I wonder why you brought a
Rabbi along?

Bryan
That's not a Rabbi. That's my brother Charlie. He's the
one who runs for Vice-President.

Judge
Oh yes. By the way what was the name of the man who ran
with him.

Bryan
Now that's funny. You know I was trying to think of his
name only last night. Well that shows you. If you
want people to remember you you've got to keep on running.
Oh by the way don't I have to prosecute somebody or some-
thing?

Judge
Yes, Abadabe Darwin, if you want to.

Bryan
(Adjusting amplifier to catch his
voice well)
Prisoner at the bar. What is your name?

Abadabe Darwin.

Bryan
(To jury)
He admits his name, gentlemen, evidently a very depraved
character. Prisoner at the bar. Do you believe in evolution?

4.

Darwin

I do.

(Monkeys hiss and BRYAN gets down
from bench with determination and
stands R. and above jury to address
them)

Bryan

Gentlemen of the jury. There is practically no reason for
continuing the examination of this criminal any further.
Abadaba Darwin has confessed his guilt and so far as I
see, there are no signs of repentance in him. But gentlemen
before I go any farther, let me assure you of the respect
and admiration that I have for monkeys.

(Cheers)

There is probably no human being who knows as much about
monkeys as I do. For yeaves I have been in constant association
with monkeys. I followed a monkey act on the
Chataqua circuit -- Some of my best friends are monkeys.

(Prolonged cheers and BRYAN mops
his forehead)

(To his brother)

How long was that demonstration, Charlie?

Charlie

Six minutes.

Bryan

(Attacking his speech again with
such vigor that the monkeys on the
bench follow prostrate off the benches
d.l.)

But gentlemen, Abadaba Darwin is not fit to be a monkey.
Tears cannot touch him, religion cannot soften him, oratorah
cannot move him. He is probably a representative of Wall
Street, he belongs to Bible Class, a monkey in a Zoo would
not speak to him and will you free monkey citizens of the
jungle tolerate in your midst a fiend who would attack
the sanctarah of your home, your women -

(Shouts of abhorrence)

His views on sex -

(Renewed shouts and howls)

Which I will not go into here, are demoralizing. Gentlemen be the monkeys that you were created to be, and in the name of that society, in the name of the Democratic partah -

(CHARLIE checks him and he realizes
his mistake)

Thank you Charlie, excuse me gentlemen I was thinking
of my other speech.

(Goes in to his oratorical flow again)

In the name of your ancestors, for the sake of your de-
scendants bring in a verdict of uiltah against this wretch
and once and for all sweep the curse of Darwinism from the

5.

(The meeting is thrown into an uproar and there is a parade around with banners gotten from off-stage R and L. The band plays the chorus of Tammany three times at the end of which BRYAN who has rescinded the bench and shaken hands with the judge and the prosecuting attorney stands with upholding hands like Moses watching the battle in the valley below)

Bryan
How long was that demonstration, Charlie?

Charlie
One hour and 16 minutes.

Bryan
Thank you gentlemen.
(He sits overcome with emotion)

Charlie
Are nominations not now in order?

Bryan
Thank you, Charlie.
(The judge center, with Prosecuting Attorney L. and another monkey R. advance with three hops to R and L. and stand before the bench)

Judge
Mr. Bryan, we offer you the nomination for President of the Jungle.

Bryan
(Springing up)
I accept the ----
(His brother CHARLIE stops him and whispers in his ear - BRYAN nods)

I accept the nomination on one condition,
(Shrieks of "Name it!")

That my brother Charlie run for vice-president. Bryan and Bryan will sweep the jungle from Congo to Tennessee.

Judge
Hurray for Charlie Bryan.
(One short pipe from the monkeys)

Bryan
How long was that ovation, Charlie?