Visit From a Large Planet

M.C.
As the President's Assistant for National
Security Affairs, Dr. Kissinger gets involved
in many strange affairs. Even on those days
when he is grounded in the White House trying
to catch up on paper work, his life is far
from dull. We take you now to Dr. Kissinger's
office in the west wing of the White House.

Scene:
Kissinger's office in the White House. He is
alone dictating as the scene opens.

Kissinger:
(into dictaphone) Memo to the President.
Subject, announcement of the end of the war.
As I see it, Mr. President, the announcement
would have maximum impact on the Sunday before
the election. On this assumption, we have
three options: One is just before the Redskin
game, after they introduce the players and
before they play the Star Spangled Banner; two
is between the halves; and three, is when you
call up Coach Allen to congratulate him.

- 2 -

Now, each of these has certain advantages as
well as contraindications......

(White House receptionist bursts into room)

Receptionist: Dr. Kissinger, Dr. Kissinger ......

Kissinger: Call me Henry, sweetie.

Receptionist: Henry, sweetie, there are some strange looking
creatures outside the White House.

Kissinger: You interrupt my important work for something
like that? There are always strange looking
creatures outside the White House.

Girl: Not like these, and they insist on seeing you.

Kissinger: Take them to the President. He's not doing
anything today.

Girl: We tried that but they keep saying, "Take me
to your Kissinger."

Kissinger: I'm just too busy today. Tell them to come
back tomorrow.

- 3 -

Girl: You don't understand, Dr. Kissinger ....

Kissinger: Henry

Girl: You don't understand, Henry. They landed on
the White House lawn in a space ship, they have
antennae sticking out of their heads, and I
think they talk funny.

Kissinger: Why didn't you say so? Show them in.
(girl receptionist exits)

Kissinger: (back to dictaphone) The disadvantage of the
first option is that we may not be able to
recall our bombers before the opening kick off.
On the other hand, announcement between halves
is contraindicated by the fact that everybody
goes to the bathroom. On balance, therefore ....
(girl reenters, ushers in two space men and
one space Kutie. They do indeed have antennae)

- 4 -

Space Man #1: Doctor Kissinger, ve have come chust as ve
promised.

#2: Ve are returning your gracious wisit to Chupiter.

Kissinger: (sharply, to Receptionist) (his accent, rather slight to this point, becomes much heavier).
Vy do you say they talk funny? They shpeak English like a native.

Receptionist: Dr. Kissinger, you--you've been to Jupiter?

Kissinger: Of course I've been to Jupiter. Don't you remember that time the President told the press I had a stomach-ache? Dot's ven I shlipped away to Jupiter.

#1: Frankly, Dr. Kissinger, ve have been disappointed that you have failed to fulfill your commitments.

#2: We removed all the barriers to interplanetary intercourse, and nothing has happened. Where are the trade missions? Where are the American tourists? When do we get our baseball franchise?

- 5 -

Kissinger: Please, please, these things take time. Ve haven't exactly been zitting around doing nothing, you know. Ve've been bugging the Democratic Party headquarters, figuring out what to do about Agnew, running a wide-open, swinging convention.....

#1: Ve are not interested in excuses, Doctor. I don't like to engage in threats, but we have had some interesting overtures from Mars.

#2: And even more interesting ones from Venus.

Kissinger: Shpeaking of Venus, I can do more for you than any of those second-rate planetary powers. I can take your charming friend here and make her Miss Universe.

#1: Another empty promise. She has no talent.

#2: She cannot sing, she cannot dance.

Kissinger: So much the better. She'll feel right at home in the Miss Universe contest. Besides, she and I can shlip avay for a weekend in Ocean City and I'll give her a little coaching.

- 6 -

#1: Dot's a wery tempting offer, Dr. Kissinger,
interplanetary-prestige-vise. But one problem,
Doctor. How can you be sure she will win?

#2: If she should lose, Doctor, I cannot shpeak
for the consequences.

Kissinger: No problem, chentlemen. For the Miss Universe
contest, I am the chudge. (to Kutie) Come on,
honey, we've got vork to do. (leads her off
stage)

BLACKOUT

Kissinger to the Rescue

MC: Everything may look rosy for the incumbents now, but strange things can happen in the late stages of an election campaign. We take you now to a smoke-filled room at Republican National Headquarters, where the President's top political strategists are assessing their chances.

(Scene: Three aides are pacing around a room, obviously worried. One refers to a crumpled newspaper, another to a sheaf of reports.)

Bob: I can't believe we've blown the whole thing.

Clark: We haven't blown it yet, Bob. There's still a week to go.

Shirley: Yes, but look at the polls, Clark. Gallup has McGovern with 65 percent.

Bob: Harris gives him 67, and nobody undecided.

- 2 -

Clark: They've been wrong before, you know.

Shirley: Sure they have, but look at the facts. Prices
up 50 percent, unemployment up 20 percent...

Clark: Of course the economists are saying we're just
about to turn the corner...

Bob: Who's listening? Besides, it's not the facts
that count. It's the image. Who'd have figured
that Agnew would be endorsed by Dr. Spock?

Shirley: Or that Martha Mitchell would spill everything
to Jack Anderson?

Clark: I know the problems, for God's sake. The question
is, what do we do about it?

Bob: How about a telethon with John Wayne and the
Rolling Stones?

- 3 -

Shirley: What if the President goes on the networks and promises ten thousand dollars to every man, woman and child?

Clark: It's a little late for that. Besides, nobody would believe him. What we've got is a credibility gap.

Bob: Yeah. Do you realize there are millions of people in this country who don't believe there is a Henry Kissinger?

Clark: Is there?

Shirley: You bet there is.

Bob: Hey, what about Kissinger?

Clark: What do you mean?

Bob: He's the one thing we haven't tried. Put him on coast-to-coast. Prove there is a Kissinger.

- 4 -

Clark: What'll he do? Bring in the votes from Red China?

Shirley: No, I think Bob has got something there. With Kissinger on nation-wide TV, we'll capture every woman in the country.

Clark: If I live to be a thousand, I'll never understand what he's got that gets 'em.

Shirley: You could live to be thousand and never have it.

Clark: Let's face it, Shirley, a Paul Newman he's not.

Bob: Paul Newman? Bite your tongue.

Clark: Well, I still think it's a strange love the women have for him.

Bob: Strangelove? Bite you tongue again.

Clark: Okay, I suppose it's worth a try, but will he do it?

- 5 -

Bob: He's got to do it. If he doesn't, it's back to
Harvard for him.

(Kissinger enters on last line)

Kissinger: Back to Harvard? Dot's a fate verse than death.

Bob: Doctor, you can save yourself from that fate.

Clark: Yes, you can save all of us from a fate worse
than death--losing.

Shirley: Henry, we want you to parade your animal
magnetism on every TV screen in the country.

Kissinger: Yes, liebchen, dot's vot I plan to do, but I
don't think you'll like it. You see, I've
defected.

All: (in horror) Defected?

Bob: To Red China?

Nobody's Sweetheart Now

MC: All good things must come to an end, and the day will come when Dr. Kissinger will announce that he has decided to return to the academic life. For a glimpse into that future, we take you now to a musty office behind ivy-covered walls on a prominent New England campus which shall remain nameless.

(Scene: A small office... two desks or tables, each with a telephone. Some papers strewn about. A Secretary is seated at her desk, talking with a young graduate student.)

Boy: What did you say his name was?

Girl: Kissinger. Doctor Kissinger. He wants me to call him Henry.

Boy: You'd better not.

- 2 -

Girl: Don't worry. I know _his_ type.

Boy: You say he came from Washington? Wasn't he in the government?

Girl: To hear him talk, you'd think he was the President's right-hand man. Guess who he asked me to get on the phone for him this morning.
Mao Tse-Tung.

Boy: Did you try it?

Girl: You think I'm crazy or something? I told him the circuits were busy.

Boy: Wait a minute. There was a guy named Kissinger that went to China.

Girl: Really? Was he a ping-pong player? He doesn't look like a ping-pong player.

- 3 -

Boy: No. A big diplomat. Always going off on secret missions to Peking and Moscow and places like that.

Girl: Gee. You mean that call to Mao was for real?

Boy: Probably. But you'd better reverse the charges. I doubt that Harvard would pay for it. What's he going to do here, anyway?

Girl: They've got him teaching a course in International Politics at seven o'clock on Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. And he's writing his memoirs.

Boy: If he's the Kissinger I think he is, that ought to be quite a book.

Girl: I know. He's calling it "Everything You Always Wanted To Know About International Affairs But Were Afraid to Ask".

(Kissinger enters, looking dejected)

- 4 -

Kissinger: I just can't understand it.

Girl: What's the matter, Dr. Kissinger?

Kissinger: Three thousand girls on the Radcliffe campus
and I can't get a date. (to girl) Get me Zsa Zsa
in Hollywood.

Girl: Zsa Zsa who?

Boy: Gabor, you dingbat. I told you he was a swinger.

Kissinger: (to boy) I like you, young man. You're the only
person in Cambridge who appreciates modern
American history. Would you like to enroll in my
course?

Boy: No, thank you, I usually don't get up before
seven o'clock in the morning.

Kissinger: I usually don't get home before seven o'clock in
the morning.

- 5 -

Girl: Ready on your Hollywood call, Dr. Kissinger.

Kissinger: (picking up phone) Hello, Zsa Zsa. This is Henry. (pause) What do you mean, Henry who? (slams phone down in dismay) Such ingratitude, after all we meant to each other at San Clemente. (Dean Jones enters)

Kissinger: Ah, Dean Jones, good morning. What brings you here this morning?

Jones: Good morning, Dr. Kissinger. I have a rather delicate problem and I need your help.

Kissinger: Naturally, delicate problems are my specialty. As I used to remark to the President...

Jones: (breaking in) Yes, well, the fact is that two of our most outstanding faculty members are arguing over an office, and they have reached an impasse.

Kissinger: And you want me to negotiate the matter?

- 6 -

Jones: No, I want you to give up your office.

Kissinger: Oh. I see. (Rising, with great dignity)
Dean Jones, and my very dear friends, I have
reached an important decision. With great
reluctance I am going to leave the academic
life. I know that my country needs me.

Girl: (also rising) You mean you're going back to
Washington?

Kissinger: Yes. After all, if I could make a statesman
out of Nixon, I can make something out of Agnew.

Girl: Dr. Kissinger...

Kissinger: Yes?

Girl: Henry...

Kissinger: Yes?

Girl: Take me with you. (She throws herself into his arms)

BLACKOUT

SWINBURNE 5-1391

RABBI JACOB GOLDBERG

FORT TRYON JEWISH CENTER
NEW YORK, N. Y. 10033

March 28, 1972

Dr. Henry A. Kissinger
The White House
Washington, D.C.

Dear Dr. Kissinger:

I have felt for some time that it might be useful, in some way, to the effort of the American Jewish community to help Russian Jews, if I were to make myself available to you as an informal resource person in this field. I do not mean to be presumptuous in this matter, since I am aware of the fact that all channels of official information are open and readily available to you. If, however, there might ever arise a circumstance where you might find it conceiveably useful to tap the views of a Rabbi who has been actively concerned with this matter for the past seven years, and who is at the same time desirous of maintaining complete confidentiality, I should like you to feel free to call upon me.

Your father visits our synagogue frequently during the week, and often speaks to me of your work with great pride and love. He kept me informed of your phone calls from Guam and Peking, and is looking forward to your attendance at his Seder. When you will not e that my home address is 620 Ft. Washington Avenue, you will readily understand how often I see your parents.

I have served as Chairman of the New York Conference for Soviet Jewry, the coordinating body of all the major Jewish organizations on this issue, and have conducted many city-wide demonstrations. I was a delegate to the Brussels Conference of World Jewry on the problem of the Russian Jews. I visited Russia four years ago, and am presently a delegate to the National Conference on Soviet Jewry.

I write this letter for the sole reason of offering my help, if you think it might be useful, and

OFFICIAL, 11/17/70 jlp
Type of Request & Date

KK GOLDMAN
(Last name and pending date)

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

Name: Nahum Goldman

Request: Is arriving in WX the United States on Saturday, November 21, staying for about two weeks and would like to see Mr. Kissinger (He has just returned from Israel). It will be easiest for him to come next week but he will adjust his schedule to fit Mr. Kissinger's. He would love to have lunch or dinner together; thinks it would be more relaxed. But if that is impossible would just like an appointment.

He will be staying at the Essex House in New York, CI7-0300, but Guido thinks it best to reply to him in Boston.

DRY's Recommendation:

HAK's Answer: yes-appointment, 11/18
Date and Time: 12:00 11/30?
Party Contacted:
Additional Information:
Resolution:

OFFICIAL -- 9/28/71 (Ids)

Type of Request & Date

Name: Dr. Nahum Goldman

Request: Guido advises that his father, Dr. Nahum Goldman, will be coming in November and would like very much to see Dr. Kissinger. The best date for Dr. Goldman is Monday, November 15, 1971.

RSVP: Guido Goldman -- Ofc: 617/495-4303
Res: 617/492-5598

DRH's Recommendation:

HAK's Answer: Yes - 10/6 - 10/8

Date and Time:

Party Contacted: Guido - 10/11

Additional Information:

Resolution:

GOLDMAN -- Mon, Nov 15, 1971

(Last name and pending date)

F-26-11-11

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

GENERAL

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

THE WHITE HOUSE
WASHINGTON

ACTION

February 4, 1972

MEMO FOR: HENRY A. KISSINGER

FROM: LES JANKA

Mr. Burton Goldstein, President of Burton Publications, Inc. has written you to inform you of a new publication, ROSTRUM, which is to act as a platform for leaders of the nation and the world to address the American people. Mr. Goldstein requests a brief meeting with you to discuss the possibility of your authoring an article in one of their early editions (Tab B).

The attached response thanks Mr. Goldstein for bringing the new publication to your attention, but declines on the basis of your policy of not writing for publication while serving the President.

RECOMMENDATION:

That you sign the response to Mr. Goldstein at Tab A.

Esquire

THE MAGAZINE FOR MEN

488 MADISON AVENUE
NEW YORK, N. Y. 10022

(212) 759-3232

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

September 28, 1972

Dr. Henry Kissinger
Assistant to the President for
National Security Affairs
The White House
Washington, D.C. 20500

Dear Dr. Kissinger:

The editors of Esquire have long felt that most prominent
people rarely have the opportunity to display to the public
the sense of humor they possess, particularly in relation to
themselves. For this reason, we are preparing a twelve-page
section for our February issue under the working title "Funny
Faces." Quite simply, we're asking a dozen or so well-known
people from every area of public endeavor to face the camera
and give us what they consider their best, funniest facial
expression. We plan to run the pictures portfolio-style, one
to a page, full page with simple identifications. We have
already made photographs of director John Huston and tennis
pro Arthur Ashe (photostats enclosed). Mr. Huston comes
close to the kind of imaginative expression we hope will
make this a lively feature, and fun for our readers as well
as the subjects. I really can't give you a hard sell on this
because one either has a sense of humor about one's self or
one doesn't, and either this will strike you as amusing and
you will want to do it, or it won't and you won't.

While we'd like to claim complete originality for this
idea, the precedent for it is Philippe Halsman's jumping
book, which you may know. For it Mr. Halsman asked his
subjects to give him the jump most representative of their
self-image. The most celebrated picture from the book is

RECEIVED

NOV 4 1972

CENTRAL FILES

BUREAU OF
HEARINGS AND APPEALS

DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH, EDUCATION, AND WELFARE
SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION

DEC 5 1968

KISSINGER, HENRY A.

IN REPLYING, ADDRESS:
BUREAU OF HEARINGS AND APPEALS
SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION
ROOM 404. U.S. COURTHOUSE
219 S. DEARBORN STREET
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60604

12/2/68

Dear Henry,

I think it was about 25 years ago that we first were fellow German students in the Army ASTP unit and then were transferred to the Chinese program at the University of California at Berkeley. I remember you well from those days and recognized your picture in the paper today. You might recall me as the "Chicago Lawyer" in the fraternity house we shared on the campus.

To be sure I had the right Kissinger, I checked with Who's Who and there read about your various doings since the war. It is a splendid record indeed, and I wish you the best of health, happiness and success in your new appointment.

After our ASTP days was with the Military Government planning group attached to the Navy and served in Okinawa and Korea. In Seoul I was responsible for the translation of the Criminal Procedure Code from Japanese to English. In the service I also taught political science and business law. Upon return to civilian life, I continued with my schooling and resumed my work as hearing officer with the State of Illinois.

About eleven years ago I accepted an appointment as trial examiner with the Social Security Administration, and since 1962 I have been in charge of 33 lawyers in the middle west. My main task is to keep them, their court reporters and staff members happy and the work moving.

In the news items concerning your appointment there was mention that you hope to recruit staff to assist you in your new challenge. If you feel that your ASTP associate with experience in law and administration of professional people can be of some help to you, I would enjoy the opportunity of more exciting association. In passing, I might mention that I won the Flood Award (No. 1 in the Day law Class) and was elected to Pi Gamma Mu, National Social Science Honor Society, while in law school.

I shall be happy to fit myself into your schedule. In the meantime best wishes for your success and kindest personal regards.

Sidney

Home-

1950 w. 4000 X

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS 60606

I have studied the Western European Defense program for over 20 years and have recently made a complete assessment of United States military posture there and the "threat" facing both the United States and NATO. It is my opinion that our current strategy under NATO is obsolete and I would like to offer a plan for your consideration which, while being consistent with the "Nixon Doctrine," will permit substantial reduction in our ground forces and financial responsibility with little or no decrease in our deterrent posture under NATO.'

My plan which, I shall call a _Modernized Deterrent Military Posture for Western Europe_, centers around three basic truths: first, Western Europe is strong enough militarily, politically, and economically to possess a _area military strategy_ for their own defense; second, another conventional war in Western Europe is an unacceptable military and political situation in the nuclear age--if hostile forces invade the territorial boundaries of Western Europe by conventional means, NATO countries and their allies must resolve themselves to stop such forces with all means available including tactical nuclear weapons; and lastly, if Western Europe countries are to collectively join forces for mutual security they must do so unanimously with the joint idea that any threat will be met realistically with the total destructive power of all Western European nations.

In the above context I am recommending the following plan for the defense of Western Europe:

a. That the position Supreme Allied Commander of all NATO forces be relinquished by the United States and replaced with a European General to be selected and/or approved by the Chief Executives of each of

the Western European countries.

b. That Western Europe and NATO assume a "theater" or "area" military strategy for "massive" retaliation in the event of an overt attack from the USSR or its allies: such a strategy should specifically outline that if hostile forces invade the territorial boundaries of Western Europe all the power available will be used to meet such hostilities where they exist including tactical nuclear weapons.

c. That acceptance of a possible conventional war in Western Europe be disregarded as an acceptable military strategy.

d. That American tactical nuclear forces in Europe be placed under the command of the European NATO Commander.

e. That Americans assume a reduced conventional military posture in Western Europe by:

(1) Withdrawing 75% of all ground troops by 31 December 1972--leaving only those ground units assigned nuclear deterrent responsibilities.

(2) Augment NATO deterrent forces with two additional tactical fighter wings in support of their "theater Mission Retaliation" strategy.

(3) Retain U.S. forces currently designated under contingency plans for the defense of Western Europe, but mobilized within the ZI.

This new strategy will strengthen the resolve of the "Nixon Doctrine."

It will dissolve once and for all the illusion that America will not react to an overt attack on Western Europe. It will strengthen the NATO alliance, and encourage increased unification of Western European countries by giving these nations increased responsibilities. It will end, to a large degree, the historic dependence on the United States for the defense of Europe.