I AM DELIGHTED TO JOIN BARBARA AND MARVIN DAVIS,
PRESIDENT AND MRS. FORD, AND ALL OF YOU ONCE AGAIN AT
THE CAROUSEL BALL.

YOU'VE HEARD OF THE "SECOND COMING," AND I'M PROUD
TO ANNOUNCE THAT THIS IS MY THIRD.

FOR THREE CONSECUTIVE YEARS NOW, I'VE BEEN ASKED TO
SPEAK AT THIS IMPORTANT FUNCTION, PROVING THAT HERE IN
DENVER, AT LEAST, PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN MORE THAN MY
BODY.

YOU CANNOT KNOW WHAT A BURDEN IT IS TO BE THOUGHT OF
AS THE TOM SELLECK OF FOREIGN POLICY. BUT I SUPPOSE IT
IS BETTER THAN BEING THOUGHT OF AS THE TOM THUMB OF FOREIGN
POLICY.

I HAVE ALSO BEEN CALLED THE JOHN FORSYTHE OF WASHING-\TON -- NOT ONLY BECAUSE OF MY ALLEGED "DYNASTIC" AMBITIONS,
BUT ALSO BECAUSE MY BEHIND-THE-SCENES ROLE IN AMERICAN
FOREIGN POLICY IS KNOWN IN SOME QUARTERS AS "HENRY'S ANGELS."

[LC]

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IN RECENT YEARS, MY ROLE HAS BEEN SO FAR BEHIND THE SCENES AS TO BE COMPLETELY OUTSIDE THE THEATRE.

BUT I WAS ASKED RECENTLY TO RETURN TO THE WHITE HOUSE AND BRIEF PRESIDENT REAGAN ON HOW HE MIGHT DEAL WITH ANDREI GROMYKO.

WHEN I ARRIVED AT THE WHITE HOUSE GATE, A GUARD ASKED ME FOR SOME IDENTIFICATION. I SAID, "BUT I AM HENRY KISSINGER." HE SAID, " THAT'S WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF. "

EVEN SO, HE LET ME PASS, AND AS I APPROACHED THE WEST WING AND SAW THE WINDOWS OF MY FORMER OFFICE, A GREAT WAVE OF NAUSEA -- THAT IS, NOSTALGIA -- SWEPT OVER ME.

HERE I HAD SPENT SOME OF THE MOST CHALLENGING AND REWARDING YEARS OF MY LIFE. HERE I HAD PLOTTED THE OPENING TO CHINA. HERE I HAD HELPED ARRANGE DETENTE WITH THE RUSSIANS. HERE I HAD DINED WITH JILL ST. JOHN.

I WAS STIRRED FROM THESE REVELRIES BY THE FAMILIAR SIGHT OF PRESIDENT REAGAN AS I ENTERED THE OVAL OFFICE. THE PRESIDENT, A MASTER AT PUTTING ONE AT EASE, SAID SIMPLY, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

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I TOLD HIM I'D BEEN ASKED TO GIVE MY COUNSEL ON HOW
TO DEAL WITH GROMYKO, AND HE MOTIONED FOR ME TO SIT IN A
CHAIR THAT WAS ALL TOO FAMILIAR TO ME: THE ONE WITH THE
TRAP DOOR BENEATH IT.

MINDFUL OF THE PRESIDENT'S TIME, I DISTILLED MY
ADVICE ON GROMYKO INTO TWO SENTENCES. I TOLD THE PRESIDENT:

"TREAT HIM AS YOU WOULD TREAT ANY OTHER BRILLIANT, RUTHLESS, MACHIAVELLIAN DIPLOMAT WHOSE VIEW OF THE WORLD IS ALIEN TO YOUR OWN. IN OTHER WORDS, TREAT HIM LIKE YOU TREAT ME."

AND SURE ENOUGH, THAT'S WHAT THE PRESIDENT DID.
WHEN GROMYKO WAS USHERED INTO THE OVAL OFFICE THE NEXT
DAY, PRESIDENT REAGAN SAID, "ANDREI, ON THE LIST OF PEOPLE
WHO MIGHT ONE DAY BE MY SECRETARY OF STATE, YOU ARE TIED
FOR LAST."

AFTER THAT, THE MEETING WENT WELL. THE PRESIDENT SAID,
"WE'D LIKE YOU TO COME BACK TO VIENNA." GROMYKO SAID,
"WE'D LIKE YOU TO GO BACK TO HOLLYWOOD."

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THEN THEY SHOOK HANDS, COUNTED THEIR RESPECTIVE
FINGERS, AND PARTED COMPANY.

ALL IN ALL, IT WAS THE WARMEST EXCHANGE BETWEEN THE
UNITED STATES AND THE SOVIET UNION SINCE CHUCK CONNORS
GAVE LEONID BREZHNEV A BEAR HUG IN SAN CLEMENTE.

YOU MAY BE INTERESTED TO KNOW THAT BREZHNEV LATER
OFFERED TO HAVE HIS BEAR HUG CHUCK CONNORS.

IT SHOULD BE NOTED, IN THE SPIRIT OF BIPARTISANSHIP,
THAT MR. GROMYKO ALSO MET WITH WALTER MONDALE. THIS WAS
THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LONG AND COLORLESS CAREER THAT
ANDREI GROMYKO WON POINTS FOR CHARISMA.

IN FAIRNESS, IT MUST BE SAID THAT WALTER MONDALE IS
BETTER KNOWN FOR SUBSTANCE THAN FOR STYLE. BUT THIS IS
LIKE SAYING KONSTANTIN CHERNENKO IS BETTER KNOWN FOR
SINGING THAN FOR DANCING.

THE REAL EXCITEMENT IN THIS YEAR'S DEMOCRATIC CAMPAIGN
IS THE VICE-PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDACY OF GERALDINE FERRARO.
SHE HAS PROVED A FORMIDABLE CANDIDATE, BUT BOTH MRS.
FERRARO AND HER HUSBAND HAVE FOUND THE EXPERIENCE TAXING.

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I PERSONALLY THINK MRS. FERRARO WAS A GOOD CHOICE AS THE FIRST WOMAN ON A NATIONAL TICKET. I SAY THIS BECAUSE CHRISTIE BRINKLEY IS NOT YET OLD ENOUGH TO QUALIFY.

GIVEN THE APPARENT POPULARITY OF ENTERTAINMENT FIGURES IN POLITICS, AND THE GROWING ACCEPTANCE OF WOMEN IN POSITIONS OF NATIONAL LEADERSHIP, IT WOULD NOT SURPRISE ME TO SOMEDAY SEE MISS BRINKLEY ON A PRESIDENTIAL TICKET WITH, SAY, MARIETTE HARTLEY.

THEY COULD HOLD JOINT NEWS CONFERENCES AND CALL THEM THE HARTLEY-BRINKLEY REPORT.

ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE, PRESIDENT REAGAN'S CAMPAIGN ADVERTISING IS TAKING SKILLFUL ADVANTAGE OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A NEW ERA OF GOOD FEELING IN OUR COUNTRY.

OR, AS VARIETY MIGHT PUT IT, MADISON AVENUE PRESENTS PRESIDENT MONROE.

VICE PRESIDENT BUSH HAS EMERGED FROM HIS SELF-IMPOSED OBSCURITY TO ANNOUNCE THAT, AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION, HE INTENDS TO VOTE FOR PRESIDENT REAGAN.

ACCORDING TO THE POLLS, THIS MAKES IT UNANIMOUS.

BUT I BELIEVE THE FINAL RESULT MAY BE MUCH CLOSER THAN
THE POLLS CURRENTLY SUGGEST.

THE FIRST DEBATE BETWEEN PRESIDENT REAGAN AND MR. MONDALE,
FOR EXAMPLE, WAS APPARENTLY SOMETHING OF A BOON TO MONDALE'S
CANDIDACY.

THIS PROVES ONCE AGAIN THAT THE LOWER ONE'S EXPECTATIONS,
THE EASIER IT IS TO EXCEED THEM.

WE HAD EXPECTED MR. MONDALE TO BE EXCRUCIATINGLY BORING,
BUT HE WAS ONLY DULL, AND SO HE WON.

IT IS THE SAME PHENOMENON AS ASSUMING THAT A TURKEY CANNOT
FLY AND THEN BEING PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WHEN IT DOES SO, HOWEVER
BRIEFLY.

PRESIDENT REAGAN, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD BEEN EXPECTED TO
SOAR LIKE AN EAGLE, BUT HE SOARED RATHER MORE LIKE A WHOOPING CRANE
AND SO HE LOST.

THE NEXT DEBATE SHOULD PROVE EVEN MORE INTERESTING,
PARTICULARLY SINCE IT DEALS WITH FOREIGN POLICY.

I HAVE NOT BEEN ASKED TO PARTICIPATE IN THE BRIEFINGS FOR
THIS YEAR'S FOREIGN POLICY DEBATE, BUT THEN NEITHER HAS AMY CARTER.

I DID HAVE THE HONOR OF SERVING AS PRESIDENT FORD'S ADVISOR
FOR HIS FOREIGN POLICY DEBATE WITH GOVERNOR CARTER IN 1976.

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MY ADVICE TO HIM WAS, "BE TOUGH ON THE RUSSIANS."
BUT LITTLE DID I KNOW HE WOULD LIBERATE EASTERN EUROPE BY
EXECUTIVE ORDER.

SO DEBATES CAN BE TRICKY BUSINESS, AND THIS IS
ESPECIALLY SO NOW FOR MR. MONDALE. WITH HIS PERFORMANCE
LAST SUNDAY NIGHT, HE HAS AROUSED THE FIGHTING SPIRIT OF
THE MOST FORMIDABLE COMMUNICATOR OF OUR TIME -- AND HE
MUST FACE THE GREAT COMMUNICATOR ONCE AGAIN EIGHT DAYS
FROM NOW.

THIS PUTS MR. MONDALE IN THE UNENVIABLE POSITION OF
HAVING THROWN A ROCK AT A BEEHIVE AND THEN AGREEING TO
DEBATE THE BEES.

OR, AS BARRY DILLER MIGHT SAY, IT'S LIKE LEAVING
MARTIN DAVIS TO WORK FOR MARVIN DAVIS: OUT OF THE FRYING
PAN, INTO THE TOWERING INFERNO.

I BELIEVE THAT, HAVING COME THIS FAR, MR. MONDALE MAY
GO STILL FARTHER. I WILL GO SO FAR AS TO PREDICT THAT HE
WILL ONLY LOSE THIS ELECTION BY A NOSE -- BUT IT WILL BE A
NOSE THE SIZE OF JAMIE FARR'S.