(17)

Post-marked Canyon, Nov. 1, 1917. (6)

I'm in bed -- 12:30 - and cold as the devil --- my room all open
all day so you can imagine how cool it feels to get in bed - not a
sign of heat since last night -

Out the window I see one green star -- twinking --- only one.
It's perfectly still out cold moonlight - I just came in

My day isn't worth telling about except that there are cattle in
the pens -- and the sound of them --- calling - crying -- longing
--- hoarse -- pitiful human --- unknowing -- it's a wonderful
sound --- wish I could write music.

I was up before daylight --- saw day come --- wonderful glowing
red out of the dark -- pale moonlight on the other side and the hot
glowing red changed to wonderful pearly hazy colors faroff. That
changed to clear daylight sky and the hard bare brownness of the
plains.

My heart --- yes I wish you would come and sit down beside me
and talk and hold it.

I believe I could easily talk till the red comes out of the
dark in the sky again. I'd rather talk than sleep till morning.

My hands are cold.

I wish you could hear the cattle. The long lowing - steady
cry going up into the night -

#86

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Nov 2 1917

Your letter has been in my pocket all day — work at school — faculty meetings — a walk — sunset till eight with some girls — plains — the little creek only a mud-hole now — a little one at that — the moon reflected in it —

queerly quiet girls — that string out in twos and threes
— just quiet tonight — except for two or three lively spurts. The
night was quiet — clear — the road like pavement — hard — all
the dust blown off — except in one little low place.

All day the consciousness of your letter in my pocket — my hand went
to it often — all my time out of class I guess I talked.

I tell Claudie and
some of her friends that they make me do their thinking then they trot off
and write it down — Claudie always argues on the opposite side from her be-
lief till sometimes it makes me feel right savage —

Today they have talked
Honor Systems in school till I feel all out of gear.

Your letter — no — I didn't hate it — rather — I just put my
hand on it — Yes, it was there.

And I wanted to talk to Elizabeth — Not about anything in particu-
lar — I just wanted to talk to her.

I wish I were in N.Y. — I don't want
to be here any more —
still there is no reason why I should be there — no
particular thing to move me — I don't know — things are queer — I
seem to have stopped thinking about Ted even — — — — —

I guess I'm feeble-minded —
It's really terrible. Everybody looks
and seems so stupid I can hardly stand any of them.

I want to smash everything --- Then sometimes I hear my own voice
--- sounding exactly the opposite of what I feel ---

I want to take my face
right off and look at it to see if it's really my face the sound came from.

Goodnight --- thanks for the letter --- the assurance that you
really are --- is great.

Goodnight.

There was a big fire last night — Two houses and a lot of barns.
I've been to the doctor with Claudie this morning —

Not at all favorable

— I've been wondering for some time why they didn't say what they said this morning —

She hasn't really anything the matter with her but she ought
to live outdoors — She has four more months' work here — then must plan
to get out and stay out.

I didn't tell her — — — — —

I just happened to see him accidentally when she wasn't around —
It is the doctor who took the tonsils out.

I feel just like cocking my head on one side in the most non-committal
sort of way — and saying — — — "Well — is that so".
Still I've somehow known it for a long time.

I seem to see things apart from myself — as though they do not
affect me at all —

I wonder if I sent you a sheet about this size written to Strand —
It makes me laugh — it doesn't matter. I've either sent it to you or burned
it —

It's really a wonderful day — — — — —

I feel all wound up, though —
wound almost to the breaking point — It doesn't hurt — it's more as though
I might let loose with an insane sort of laughter.

However, it doesn't matter.

I believe I'll learn to knit — I know
how — have always known — but think I'll have to get at it — a monotonous
accomplishment of something.

11-19-17

#88

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Nov 19 1917

It is queer that I haven't been able to write you —

Queer yet not
queer.

Monday afternoon — I've had a bad cold — until this noon hadn't been out since last Friday — That's a long time to stay in ... I don't know...

Maybe I'd rather stay home than go out and see folks —

— Most of the time I was in bed — couldn't even read —

Comparatively all right now — Isn't that a funny expression.

It seems to be a nice day out but it sent shivers all through me —

In bed — alone — I guess I thought of everybody and everything I know and have ever known — it wasn't pleasant.

It seems I was never possessed with such an impatience with everybody and everything — I don't know —

I don't know anything.

I feel like one lost in the dark on the plains in a windy night — no lights anywhere — dark immensity. Why write you of it —

(part omitted)

I look at other folks — they don't seem to be feeling living like I feel it — everything — everywhere — everybody —

and I can't imagine anything or anybody that could help any —

I don't know what's the matter

Just the numb dumbness of it is maddening —

I have a notion that the end of this month --- I may go East ---
not to N.Y. --- if I don't go East I'll go to South Texas ---
Waco --- State Teacher Association --- I don't want to go down there
because I don't think I want to stay here much longer ---

I don't know --- Maybe I won't do either --- maybe I will just
drift.

:
:
:
:
A kettle boiling with the lid on --- no escape for steam --- will the lid
pop off or the fire go out ...

:. I guess I'm no good.

Reading Fenellosa --- "Epochs of Chinese and Japanese Art" --- and Lippmann's
"Stakes of Diplomacy "

:.
:
:
: guess I'll read. It's better than this vacancy in my head ---.

#89

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Nov 21 1917

9:30 Tuesday night ——

I've just read your letter — — — — — looked at it — simply
glanced this morning — read Elizabeth's this morning twice and again at
noon but have just now been free long enough to tackle yours :

...It may be a
large mixture of many things but it is living and real — and it's curious
how we seem to be saying the same things so often — feeling the same —
Curious — yet not curious—

— When I finished it — — — —

..................how to tell you how glad I am that the "scribbled
pages " come to me —————— so I got up and poked the fire.

(part omitted)

A train — going away and away — a quiet night and the sound
seems to stay with us a long time.

I haven't anything to say — only that I'm wanting to write anyway
—the afternoon with Marin must have been wonderful. I wish I had been
there — not seen or felt any more than I was.

I seem to be quieter today than the last day I wrote you —
didn't sleep till after four this morning — — — — — it seemed a long time
after four —

I read and tried to sleep by turns —

—The sister ? I don't know — I don't bother much about her.
She was thrown from a bucking horse the other day — and I believe it did
her good instead of hurting her.

My hands are very cold.

Birnbaum :,

:. . . Why I always thought he was sickening .

• I would love to

Klein—Kinematics of Machinery

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University. 227 pages, 6 by 9, with plates and figures.

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CONTENTS.—I. Introduction and General Principles; Centrode Construction. II. Inversions. III. Skeletons. IV. Displacement Diagrams. V. Velocity Diagrams. VI. Special Locus Construction. VII. Kinematic Analysis of Mechanisms; Statement of Velocity Problems. VIII. Acceleration Determinations; Special Case when Motion of Quadric's Crank is Uniform. IX. Acceleration Determinations; General Case when Motion of Quadric's Crank is Variable. X. The Determination of Governor Gear Accelerations. XI. Force and Mass Reduction. Appendix A. The Criterion of Constraint. Appendix B. Velocity and Acceleration Determinations in Mechanisms by Help of Velocity and Acceleration Polygons or Images—Principles and Auxiliary Constructions.

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It depends on how much I am urged.

I can't afford it
in any way.

When I was there the brother insisted that I must come again.

I don't know — It depends on him — it would be to please him —
not myself — — —

I wonder what you are to me — it's like father, mother, brother,
sister, best man and woman friend, all mixed up in one.

#91

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Dec 25 1917

In bed and cold as the dickens --- No fire and the windows all open ----
but I just discovered something ---
- first

Claudie is home just for three or
four days' vacation and information ---
It's great --- she has found out many
things she wants to know about and I've never heard so many questions in my
life --- Her school is at the end of the earth --- way out in the sticks ---
where the women work like men and there isn't anything and she is bent on mak-
ing something --- she has been riding horseback and is so excited over what
she wants to do that

I want to go right out and teach a country school myself.
The way she has waded into the faculty here for information has been a circus
to watch.

She is thirteen miles from the town at the end of the railroad --- down
in the cotton country --- they raise peanuts too --- and grains --- stock.
Farmers have a hard time --- dry season --- war ---

It reminds me of the Hoosier Schoolmaster, it's so backwoodsy --- and
she never had such a good time in her life before --- and was never so inter-
ested in anything ---

It looks as though my experiment is working out much better than I
had hoped.

She is outdoors a lot and is looking better --- it's great ---
One of the faculty women said tonight ---"Why, Claudie makes me want to teach
a country school too --- She makes me want to start right out" ---

I wish you could see her and hear her --- You would laugh --- so alive
--- so interested --- so amused --- it's living to her and its funny to
her too.

12-25-17

Ted was up too

I don't know — I guess I'm a queer person

Aviation

I can't talk about him tonight

:

:

:

Looking for paper tonight I found my summer water colors in a drawer and took them out — and looked at them

and I had to laugh. I had a wonderful time looking at them. I liked them — I'm crazy for daylight to come to see how they look.

Claudie laughed at me — told me I was stupid before — that's why I didn't like them.

But it's great to have such a good time at your own expense as I had tonight.

A letter from you this morning — One from Paul tonight.

I wish folks wouldn't send me Xmas presents :

:

: and wouldn't poke as much

food at me as they do nowadays — just because it's Xmas

Paul

his envelope is big — I'm writing on it now.

There are very bad things about my pictures that I've just had a good time over

But they gave me a good time anyway.

Yes — I wanted to send them to you because they gave me a good time — I will. I would like you to be here by me tonight only my room is so cold you

seeing the uprooting — twisting and turning and the way men and women re-
spond — the way they all run brainless and heartless in a mob — it seems
almost unbelievable — When I waked this morning I was thinking of it —
can I believe it — realize even a little what is happening —

— How long will

it last — will the little 13-year-old boy who brings my coal and kindling
be going in a few years —

— Will Paul be going in another month —

— Richard was

up from camp Xmas — I don't mind his being killed but I mind his killing
— the smile is so sweet — I just love him.

It's the older folks I cannot
stand — The talk of the men past 30 — The — — — — — women —

Girls and boys and the ones who must fight are different :
noon Richard and the girl he is engaged to came up to see me — talked a
while then went to ride — She was driving —

: Xmas after-

(part omitted)

The brown face — color — very white teeth —

— and the smile —

We all said such honest funny things — it was great.

He is gone —

The Camera Works look like Life — and I don't see anything but Death
— even in the living folks — old dead ones hampering the young live ones.

Even Ted —

he isn't himself anymore — the finest thing about him was his
freedom — realness

:

:.:

Partly — maybe mostly — my fault —

— engaged to Ruby

— still — standing in front of me — he remarked — "You know, I just
can't stand it to talk to you — it almost drives me crazy — and after you
are gone it's worse even than while you are here."

#93

Postmarked Canyon Tex

Dec 29 1917

(The following is pencilled on a band of paper encircling the several sheets
making up the letter)

This is an old letter that I just came across --- I guess I
didn't send it on account of the questions about Hartley's and
Camera Work. I am not asking the Hartley questions now........
I will ask them later if I want to ........ I don't mind tell-
ing you I thought it ------- I'm not asking questions though --
You understand ----- till some other things happen that I'm in-
terested in here I'm just sending it because I wrote it -------
It's part of me --

(On a slip of paper)

I sat here ----- a moment's pause ----

my hands on my desk and looked around --- I had just given a
scrap on Water by an old Chinaman to the woman behind me ------

And very quickly in the vacant moment came to me the...(not finished)

(Another slip)

Water is a living thing, hence its form is deep and quiet, or soft
and smooth, or broad and ocean-like, or thick like flesh, or
circling like wings, or jetting and slender, rapid and violent
like an arrow, rich as a fountain flowing afar, making waterfalls,
weaving mists upon the sky, or running down into the earth where
fishermen lie at ease.

It's sometime after dinner ------- I don't know what time --- and I seem
to be glad that I don't know what time.

Queer looking ominous sky --- lavender

blue.

12-29-17

My children — my second and third graders were great this morning —
they are wonderful —

— But I — — — my hands seem to be reaching all round
for something — — — I don't know what or where it is.

David was in to see me today — a last year's Freshman — at home
this year — farming — Father in bad health.

He had a garden next mine in
the spring — — a wonderful boy — — — will be 21 in December — wants
to come back next quarter — three weeks from now but so much to do for next
year's crops — and War — — — I'll be back to see you all anyway —

Told

me he had been reading the Bible — tall — lean brown face —

Lea is down —

Little Cooper and I had a great time last week — handing out
of opinions — and right after it two teachers came and asked me to work in
their rooms — that she didn't make the work mean anything to the children
—

It was amusing — I have to laugh about it — I hate even to look at
her — still I understand her so well that — it's like a machine I like —
because of certain things in its make-up that are no fault of its own — — but
I hate what it produces — it doesn't produce anything that anybody would
want — I hate it for using itself that way — — She can't see at all —
it's maddening — amusing —

Her brain isn't made for teaching — she has
no connection with the child at all — no feeling for it —

But why talk about her.

I think the President has a new Education man camping on my trail to see
what it is all about — it's great — I'm glad to have him

I'm wondering —