- 3 -

But as I think about it, Mrs. "L.", it is a skill
that could come in handy. (Laugher)

The thing I will remember most about Mrs. "L." is
that her remarkable tongue permits her to express what is
going on in her very remarkable head. Speaking of tongues,
my wife Sally is now taking a graduate course in psychology,
and she finished one of these group sessions and she came home
the other night saying, "Peter, I have just found my tongue,
but alas, it is forked." Well, Alice Longworth's tongue isn't
forked, but it may well be barbed, for in the last half-century
she has deflated some generous egos and some durable self-
esteems. She has done so not out of any sense of waspishness,
but out of impatience with self-importance, and I think she
has done this city and this country an enormous favor in the
course of doing that.

A few words about Henry Kissinger. Actually, I have
an enormous admiration for Henry. In fact, I know only one
person in the world who admires him more than I do. (Laughter)
His appearance on the program tonight makes it awkward for
me to be more specific than that. (Laughter)

But underneath all of this, of course, is a remarkable
talent. I don't know which of Henry's relatives it was --
Nietzsche or Goethe, or someone like that -- but one of them
was reported to have said that in the presence of superiority,
the only effective defense is love. So I have come to loving
Henry. (Laughter)

I have found, however, that it isn't easily reciprocated. In fact, when it was clear that I was leaving the Government, Henry wrote me a warm note.

"Peterson," he said -- you know, it is a funny
thing with Henry. He has trouble with words that are less
than three syllables. "Peterson," he said, "I am very, very
sorry that you are going. I am going to miss our verbal
exchanges." I couldn't quarrel with his last assertion, since
I felt that Henry had missed all of them. (Laughter)

But I had some other qualms, mainly his having said
that he was sorry. You have to understand that to Henry, well,
you know what sorry means. Sorry means never having to say
"I love you." (Laughter)

- 4 -

You will get equal time, Henry, I am sure. (Laughter)

Now, this detracts nothing from his remarkable abilities. There are too few people in the world who can even invent the new questions. There are even fewer that can provide the new answers, and the cruelty of compound arithmetic makes it statistically impossible that you could have a Kissinger who can do both. But he is very real, as we all know. So I think that all three of these people symbolize something that this country desperately needs.

If I can very briefly go to David Reisman, you may remember that in the lonely crowd he said that there were other directed men in our culture, and we seem to be a country and an era and perhaps even a town that has too many other directed men whose mentalities are radar mentalities. Tonight I think you are honoring three other people who are inner-directed people, who have some inner gyroscope that gives our lives some direction and some stability and some civility, and having said all this, I am pleased for the first time to speak not on my usual subject, but on the subject, "How to be more like them."

Thank you very, very much.

# # # # #

PETE PETERSON'S JOKES ON KISSINGER

Now the questions that I am most often asked are personified in the
form of one Henry Kissinger. I am most often asked "How do you get
along with Kissinger?" Well, I want you to know that it isn't easy. Every
American male who is worth anything loves to have -- you know-- a small
piece of the jungle, a few feet of territory where he can roar that he is
king, where he excels; but I've got to admit tonight that with Kissinger
that becomes very difficult. He seems to own the jungle and he subleases
very cautiously, I might add. (laughter)

Now one of the things you learn about very quickly in the White House
is that it is a very competitive place, like most jungles, but the word
'colleague' has a very special meaning in the White House. When they
refer to the word 'colleague' they mean colleague in the sense that
Brutus was a colleague of Ceasar's. (laughter) Now to illustrate
that vis-a-vis Kissinger, I might tell you that -- something you probably
didn't know, but Henry was having a few problems with India not too long
ago and one of my associates was heard to say -- Don't worry, Henry,
I'm standing right behind you. Henry said, I haven't been so terrified in
my life.

Now the problem, of course, is how does one position himself vis-a-vis
Henry -- how do you compete -- do you compete on the basis of power?
Well, that's ridiculous. As a matter of fact, after he returned the second

2

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time from Peking we had been rising whenever he entered the room, and
there was a very serious discussion about whether we shouldn't do something
more than that (laughter) and it's not what you think! We seriously discussed
kneeling but that presented us with some very serious problems because
if we kneeled for Kissinger, what would we do for the President, and we
just didn't know.

Now do you compete on the basis of access? Well, that is ridiculous.
Do you compete on the basis of intelligence? That is even more ridiculous.
So I told the group last night that I tried my own gambit, which is, as you
will see, failed miserably. I thought that maybe an area that one could
maneuver in this old arena of his reputation as a womanizer. Now, it's
not a Jack Anderson type secret that Henry likes girls. It's remarkably
distressingly, however, to some of us that apparently girls like him. (laughter)
So I went up to Henry one day, and said, Henry, I hate to confront you like
this, but I pretty much concluded that this womanizing image of yours is a
remarkably hollow mystique and that there is an enormous gap between your
rhetoric and your performance in this arena. He looked at me with those
baby blue eyes of his, and he said -- Peterson, what you don't understand
is that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. (laughter)

So I started kidding him then about Gloria Steinem who is reported
to have said that she wasn't terribly moved by him. And Henry later made
this comment publicly, but he said -- Well, she has not indicated that
if nominated she would not run, or if elected she would not serve. (laughter)

3

[LC]

So I walked out totally defeated. He looked up and said -- Peterson, eat your heart out, eat your heart out!

This is by way of saying that the Department of Commerce is looking
very attractive to me. There was a philosopher whom I can't remember
who said -- in the presence of superiority the only effective defense is
love. So I've been trying to love Henry lately, and I can tell you that it's easier
from a distance.

Now I don't want you to think that we aren't very helpful to others besides
Henry in the White House. We.........

**Possible line:** If Cosmopolitan decides to sun similar fold out pictures of Administration representatives, I understand Henry Kissinger would be willing to pose, but only if Mrs. Brown promises not to put a staple in Henry's stomach.

We Well you may have expected me to say something about my friend Henry Kissinger today. I'd like to but the White House has asked me very nicely if I would please take it easy on Henry for a few weeks. Of course they also planted this little electrode under my left arm. At any rate, I've decided to give a Henry a wide berth for a while. The way he's been carrying on he needs a wide berth.

You know he likes to say that his power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
In some men's hands the ultimate aphrodisiac would be analogous to an over-
dose. With Henry, it barely takes up the slack.

4

Henry is briefed every morning about what is happening all over the world, and the news is always bad, and we are blamed for the bad news no matter whether we had anything to do with it or not, or whether we could have prevented it from happening. On this particular morning his briefing officer said, "Mr. Kissinger, all the news is bad," and he recounted what had happened during the night, and it was all bad. And Henry said, "Is there any news anywhere in the world that is good?" And he said, "No, sir, no good news." But he said, "You will be pleased to know that there is some bad news that we are not to blame for." Henry said, "What is that?" He said, "The Aswan Dam is leaking."

Speaking of my good friend, Henry Kissinger, many of you have seen the President's return from China last week with the First Lady. Kissinger also returned from China with the second lady, third lady, fourth lady ...

Good afternoon. I am delighted to have this opportunity to speak to you today on a subject of great concern to both of us -- the energy crisis.

I had hoped that I would be able to bring my good friend Henry Kissinger along just to show that there were no hard feelings between us. ...

But as you know, Henry left on another China trip. Actually, he would have left the day before, but Saturday was a kind of religious holiday for Henry.

Casanova's birthday.

5

In any event, before Henry left, I did him a little favor. He is scheduled
to have dinner this evening with a number of top Chinese officials. It's
going to be quite a spread: thousand year eggs, shark fin soup, lizard
tongue.... a lot of Henry's favorites. Well, he wasn't sure he was
going to be able to hack his way through the menu, but he thought it might
help if after dinner he was able to stand up and say something appropriate
in Chinese. Besides, it would make him seem extremely cosmopolitan,
and Henry likes that.

So, as I say, I did him a favor. I had a Sinologist friend of mine prepare
a little toast for him in Chinese. It's all spelled out phonetically, Henry
was very grateful.

What Henry doesn't know is that those sing-song ghost-written syllables
he is going to be holding in his lap tonight are not the gracious and traditional
Chinese thank you he imagines them to be.

No sir. What Henry is going to stand up and say in about eight hours
is: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

Which brings me again to the energy crisis........

Every year the President publishes a Foreign Policy Report for the
Congress, popularly known as the State of the World. Not many
people read it, and we suspect part of the reason is that it has many
technical terms in it. So this year we are including a glossary of
key technical terms.

In the hope of stimulating a wider readership, and also as part of this
Administration's well-known policy of full disclosure, I will now leak to
you part of this section of the Report.

These are the key definitions:

**Separating the Military from the Political:**

Getting Haig out of the White House and back to the Pentagon
before he developed Bonapartist tendencies.

**Postwar Reconstruction:**

Rebuilding after years of intensive devastation; for example,
revitalizing the State Department.

**Decent Interval:**

A pro forma period of time between the collection of
intelligence information and its publication by Jack Anderson.

**Humanitarian Relief Effort:**

Bell & Howell offering Peterson his old job back.

**Cultural Revolution:**

Barbara Howar's memoirs making the best-seller list.

**European Security:**

Peterson's Swiss bank account.

**Elegant Bugout:**

Removal of electronic devices from a Watergate apartment.

**Executive Privilege:**

My Seigneurial rights in the White House secretarial
pool.

**Ceasefire Agreement:**

A fragile agreement that fails to stop infiltration, shooting, sneak attacks, and angry charges of violations on both sides. This refers to Wounded Knee.

**Linguistic Discrepancies:**

A euphemism for political disasters caused by language misunderstandings; for example, an interview with Oriana Fallaci.

**Sharm El-Shaikh:**

A Tehran belly-dancer frequently seen with Henry Kissinger.

## German Unification:

A White House Staff Meeting.

## Pacification:

Reorganizing the NSC staff to make everyone a deputy.

## A More Mature Alliance:

A date between Alice Longworth and Henry Kissinger.

## Arms Control:

Using discipline on a date with Raquel Welch.

## A Clean Bomb:

Your reaction to my jokes.

## Use the Bomb:

Open up the Redskins offense.

## Red Carpet:

The Ho Chi Minh Trail.

## Get Off My Back:

What the President's been telling Dr. Riland this week.

## The Suez Canal:

A Middle Eastern Watergate.

## Long March:

Accessibility of HAK to his staff.

## Executive Privilege:

The washroom in my office.

## Le Duc Tho:

To copulate with the lowest extremity of a fowl.

## Security Assistance:

The necessary forerunner to an elegant bugout. (q.v.)

## The White House Mess:

My description of my staff.

## The Philosophy of This Administration in a Nutshell:

Reflections on Bismarck convince us that nuclear weapons and foreign policy will produce a world restored, provided we face the necessity for choice between a troubled partnership and the problems of national strategy.

ADDED STARTERS FOR HENRY KISSINGER

One item I would like to straighten out before this
distinguished audience tonight is that occasional rumor about
my Ego. And to those who would charge that I have gotten a
big head, I would only point out that today I am wearing
the same size Crown I wore when I came here.

To put my Ego in the proper perspective, I am fully
aware at all times that I could be fired on a moment's notice
and easily replaced within the hour by any combination
of a dozen or so great thinkers.

Everynight before retiring, I get down on my knees
and ask God for kiss guidance and wisdom... and then
I ask if there's anything I can do for him.

If my Ego were any problem to me at all... it would be
in the morning when I am shaving. Do you have any idea
lather how difficult it is to get up and blow kisses at the
same time????

As for the stories that I brutalize my staff, these are nothing but idle rumors spread virulently by people who have worked for me.

As a matter of fact, I have the happiest office in the White House... from Left to Right: thru to Lights Out. (or Taps).

And I have no sympathy. And those workers who complain about being at their desks from seven in the morning to midnight x always x conveniently forget to mention their 15 minute lunch break.

Or the phone call they're allowed to make every week.

Too often the secretaries who complain about long hours in the office forget about the wonderful times we have when we get together to relax... like that wonderful hike we made last Saturday night... to Baltimore.

for
As far as all this talk about discipline in my office, I enforce no more discipline in my office as you would in yours. If my secretary is late for work, she is only mildly rebuked... then she is sentenced to paper clips at twenty paces... unless, of course, she has relatives still living at Harvard.

DICK MOORE

[Y]

I thank you for this high honor. When I consider the distinguished winners of this award in past years, such as George Ball and Sarge Shriver, I recognize that this is not only a proud moment for me, but a moment in which my崇高的信念和all combination of great personal danger.

After all, until this moment, no person currently employed in the White House has had any connection with, or knowledge of, the Federal City Club of Washington.

You may hear that I came over tonight in an unmarked car. That's because, while I didn't exactly lie to Bob Haldeman -- he did get the impression that I was receiving the Annual Award of the Metropolitan Club.

***

It is, of course, a great honor to be on the same dais with Mrs. Longworth, who brings such charm and distinction to this assembly. She is not only a great lady but, if I may say so, on this occasion, she is a superb security blanket. And that is more than I can say about Senator Cooper.

***

- 2 -

As to my former colleague and good friend, Secretary Peterson, I am delighted to join you in honoring him tonight. It is unfortunate that there was so much rumor and conjecture about why Pete left the Administration, and the answer is really very simple. When he heard that Bob Haldeman was moving into Georgetown, he said "this town is getting too small for both of us."

Seriously, I can document the fact that Pete's departure was entirely voluntary. As you know, before joining Bell and Howell, he had a distinguished career as an advertising executive in Chicago. The White House records indicate that no member of the Nixon Administration who ever had any connection with an advertising agency has ever been fired.