Imagine dearest :

And if I weren't half full of Mr. Conklins
crazy "Burgandy" I couldn't tell you. That ~~That~~ actually
or at any rate did come into my office today and ask me
to screw her. She couldn't be got out. Imagine. How I
didn't do it I don't know, except by thinking like hell
of you. The wild thoughts that go through the head at such
times are like mad eagles: Do it. To hell with everything.
You're a fool. What of it. It doesn't mean a thing, do it
anyway. Jesus! And all the time the body is trembling
like a leaf, like sick meat with desire. She begged for it
couldn't be got out. A young woman - dripping with desire
# unsatisfied. No argument could move her, just edging her
to the door. I didn't even want to mention it, somehow it
seems unworthy of a man to do so but - God damn it I
want with all my soul to keep myself spotless for you - and
I've got to tell you. Even if it mars me - as I do not
believe it will. I was crazy to fuck her, just to tear in
and do it. But thank God I got her out without doing it
and without making a scene. How can one make a scene ? I
simply cannot. I won't even read what I have written but
I have written it for you, dearest. Jesus Christ a man is
up against it with desire and the care of his soul loaded
on him. But I love you perfectly and - I did it, anyway.
I told her never to come back :

Yours

January 1, 1953

Dearest Floss:

I do not feel well and I despair of ever again feeling
well. But when I think of having another stroke which will leave
me bedridden, perhaps blind, it is too much to think of. You, of
all people, should know what that means. I might not even be able
to communicate as I am doing now. And when I see you growing
tired, as you confessed to me that you were already growing tired,
desperate - allow for all the exaggeration and false emphasis
that you know to be me.

Tear this paper up and throw it away as the record of a man
who, in spite of everything, loved you and my children to the end.
That is all I shall say, believe it, in spite of anything that
may happen to me.

You will know how to take care of yourself whatever happens
to me, you have all my love. I've been a fool for reasons that are
not clear to even me but, believe me, I truly love and believe
with all my heart that you love me. Nothing can change that.

Your husband

9 Ridge Road

PRESERVATION PHOTOCOPY: ORIGINAL MATERIAL RESTRICTED

Sunday

Dearest Floss :

It is wonderfuller and wonderfuller here every minute so far . Mother and I have struck up a fine re-aquaintance and my typewriting is going famously . Really the place is a paradise for my work . It is cool and quiet andcomfortable . I sleep like a log and get up and plug away for an hour on the machine then work making hay ( in the back yard ) and swim and work at the typeing and cut grass, etc. al day long . The bathing is ideal . I have been sticking to the place in front of the house so far and expect to do so always .

By the way, I did not bring your suit up, so plan to get it .

The Boone piece I have not yet quite finished, but it is well on its way to completion in the form of a first draught . It seems fairly satisfactory but will need a final cutting and revision before it is readable . I have stuck to that entirely so far .

Somehow or other the place seems to have picked up in tone again hereabouts . There is the usual Sunday mob in the Grove but otherwise the people I see seem very genteel . Billy Welcome's absence this year is much appreciated by all .

Give my love to your Ma and Pa . Tell your Ma the eggs were a life saver . My best to Gudrun too .

If you want me to meet you in Bridgeport or New Haven on Saturday don't forget to tell me the train on which you will arrive . I think New Haven is the better place to choose .

Write to the boys . I have done so just now . The dear babies, I can't help wishing for their company sometimes but I guess they are happy and I know I could not work so well at my own affairs if they were living in this room with me . Please don't scold Paul for busting his watch !

You'll be very happy here, I know, dearest Monkey and so will I be to have you . We'll have some lovely swims and things together .

Best love from your husband

Wednesday

Dearest Floss :

It's quite curious being away from you this way .
My mind wanders back to France and Italy and Switzerland
with you . It's funny . We've changed a little, I guess, in
a year - so it seems to me at any rate . I feel older .
Perhaps quieter . I don't know . Sometimes I think of next
year, of going to South America, of the boys, of medicine,
of writing . That's about all . There's some sort of a little
bird has its nest in the honeysuckle here .

Yesterday I finished the Boone essay, as much as
I can do on it for the present. I'll read it to you when
you arrive and then I'll know my fate. As usual it seems
pretty punk to me now. I couldn't somehow condense the thing
to suit me so it looks crowded, a miserable, cramped sort
of patchwork - no smoothness and concision.

I wonder what the bunch in Paris is doing ? My
dear friend Clotilde Mail and the rest . They may if they
want to, whatever it is . You bet they will if they want to,
too . After all it doesn't seem to concern me as much as
it used to, now that I have seen it . My place is not there.
The, take themselves too seriously in their despairs . But
maybe they are happy, for the kind of persons they are, I
don't know . They were nice, some of them . I don't think
I could live as they do for long . I'd do it more intensely
and kill myself or run away . Maybe they are wiser and just
tease themselves enough to get the fun out of it .

Bring another dozen eggs if you can .

I'll expect you on Saturday sometime. I may get
word from you before then telling me where to meet you. If
so I'll be there.

Mother is well and seems contented. We have our
little meals on the porch of the small cottage and afterward
I enjoy my cigar - if I have one. The haymaking is coming
along nicely.

Bring any mail you find at 9 Ridhe Rd. with you
and especially bring yourself as the room seems sort of
bare without you - toward evening and I need a swimming
partner. I guess I must get busy now.

It would be fun to have those dear little Maine
Monkeys here, blest them. I wonder how they're getting on.

Love to everybody - and a little extra on the
side for yourself, from
our husband

REPLY

This, crumpled on her desk

Dear Bill - I've made a
couple of sandwiches for you.
In the ice-box you'll find
blue-berries - a cup of grapefruit
a glass of cold coffee

On the stove the tea-pot
with enough tea leaves
for you to make tea if you
prefer - Just light the gas
boil the water and put in the tea

Plenty of bread in the bread-box
and butter and eggs -
I didn't know just what to
make for you. Several people
called up about office hours -

See you later. Love. Floss.

Please switch off the telephone.