PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB, HONORABLE MEMBERS OF THE
DAIS,

I AM DEEPLY MOVED BY YOUR OVATION FOR TWO REASONS:
AS FAR AS THE MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION PRESENT
HERE ARE CONCERNED, I KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO APPLAUD
AND SHRUG YOUR SHOULDERS AT THE SAME TIME.

AND FOR THE REST OF YOU: IF MY ESTIMATE OF THE QUALITY
OF MY TALK IS ACCURATE YOU SHOULD HAVE REMAINED STANDING.
IT WOULD HAVE SAVED YOU ABOUT 23 UPS AND DOWNS IN THE NEXT
FEW MINUTES.

FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS WITH GREAT PRIDE THAT I ACCEPT
YOUR NOMINATION TO STEP INTO THE SNEAKERS OF JIMMY CARTER.

IT IS A GREAT CHALLENGE TO CARRY THE BANNER OF THE
ALFALFA PARTY WHOSE IDENTITY, PRINCIPLES AND IDEAS ARE LARGELY
UNKNOWN BY THE AMERICAN PEOPLE....MUCH LIKE THOSE OF THE
REPUBLICANS.

I WILL TRY TO PROVE MYSELF WORTHY OF YOUR CONFIDENCE
KNOWING THAT I AM NOT YOUR FIRST CHOICE; YOU COULD NOT
AFFORD BILLY CARTER.

-2-

BUT...WE HAVE A PROBLEM. AS YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO THE CONSTITUTION I AM NOT QUALIFIED TO SERVE AS PRESIDENT. YOU MAY REPLY: THAT IS NOT AN INSUPERABLE OBSTACLE SINCE SO MANY HAVE SERVED WITHOUT BEING QUALIFIED. OR YOU MIGHT ARGUE THAT WITH THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND THREE ASSOCIATE SUPREME COURT JUSTICES HERE ALL WE NEED IS TO ENROLL ONE MORE JUSTICE IN THE ALFALFA CLUB TO MAKE OUR OWN DECISION ABOUT WHAT IS LEGAL.

BUT I DO NOT WANT TO CUT ANY CORNERS. WE SHOULD DO THIS THING RIGHT. TWO SOLUTIONS HAVE OCCURRED TO ME:

TO MEET THE CONSTITUTIONAL REQUIREMENT OF BEING NATIVE BORN I COULD -- LIKE OTHER DISTINGUISHED PUBLIC FIGURES -- BE BORN AGAIN

THERE IS ANOTHER POSSIBILITY -- FRANKLY MORE CONGENIAL TO ME. I AM SURE THE CHIEF JUSTICE AND HIS COLLEAGUES ARE PREPARED TO RULE HERE AND NOW THAT NOTHING IN THE CONSTITUTION PROHIBITS A FOREIGN BORN FROM SERVING AS EMPEROR.

IT WOULD BE HIGHLY APPROPRIATE IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR

[Y]

-3-

WAY CLEAR TO GIVING ME _THAT_ NOMINATION FOR IT WOULD ENABLE
ME TO FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY HERO, _BOKASSA THE_
FIRST.

YOU WILL BE PROUD OF HAVING BROKEN WITH TRADITION.
IT WOULD LAY TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL THE CRITICISMS OF
THE IMPERIAL PRESIDENCY. NOT EVEN THE WASHINGTON POST
WOULD BE ABLE TO ATTACK AN EMPEROR FOR BEING IMPERIAL.

EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY, JUST IMAGINE HOW I WOULD LOOK
IN THE OUTFIT _BOKASSA WORE TO HIS INAUGURATION: A SEQUINED_
ERMINE CLOAK WITH A 24-FOOT TRAIN AND A DIAMOND-STUDDED
CROWN. AND WITH ME THE OUTFIT WOULD _NOT_ BE A ONE-TIME
EXPENSE. I WOULD EMPHATICALLY _NOT_ WEAR IT TO THE INAUGURATION.
AFTER ALL, ONE DOES NOT COME TO AN INAUGURATION IN ONE'S
WORKING CLOTHES.

THE PROSPECT IS SO AWE-INSPIRING THAT I STAND BEFORE YOU
A HUMBLE MAN.

BUT GIVE ME A MINUTE OR TWO AND I WILL TALK MYSELF
BACK TO NORMAL.

[Y]

-4-

DESPITE YOUR FLATTERY TONIGHT, MY NAME HAS BEEN
TAKEN IN VAIN BY PREVIOUS ALFALFA CANDIDATES. LAST YEAR
NELSON ROCKEFELLER STOOD ON THIS VERY SPOT AND SAID
"HENRY KISSINGER WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE PRESIDENT. WHY
SHOULD HENRY TAKE A CUT IN INFORMATION?" I HAVE FORGIVEN
NELSON FOR THAT.

TWO YEARS AGO ALFALFA CANDIDATE JOHN CONNALLY TOLD
OF HOW HE LIKED TO WATCH HENRY
KISSINGER
STRIDE MAJESTICALLY AS THE MARINE BAND PLAYED
"HELL TO THE CHIEF." I HAVE FORGIVEN JOHN FOR THAT.

THREE YEARS AGO, FROM THIS PODIUM, YOUR ALFALFA
CANDIDATE GEORGE BUSH ACCEPTED YOUR NOMINATION. HE NEVER
MENTIONED ME AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE GEORGE FOR THAT.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IT IS A HEAVY RESPONSIBILITY TO
SEEK TO REPLACE SUCH A YOUNG ADMINISTRATION.

AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE THE HIGHEST RESPECT FOR THE
INCUMBENT PRESIDENT....ON THURSDAY NIGHT PRESIDENT CARTER

[x]

WENT BEFORE THE JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS AND PROMISED
US HEAVEN ON EARTH. THE MOST PARTISAN AMONG US WILL HAVE
TO ADMIT THAT HEAVEN WAS FALLING DOWN ON US FOR THE NEXT
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.

AND IT IS CHARACTERISTIC OF THE FORESIGHT OF THIS
ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE ALL THOSE TRACTORS IN TOWN TO HELP
US MOVE AROUND.

I WOULD LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE ALSO TO YET ANOTHER
SINGULAR CONTRIBUTION OF OUR PRESIDENT. AS YOU KNOW PRESIDENT
CARTER GAVE A FIRESIDE CHAT EARLY IN HIS ADMINISTRATION,
WEARING A SWEATER....MAKING HIM THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN
HISTORY WHO STARTED HIS TERM BY PULLING THE WOOL OVER HIS
OWN EYES.

SO I ENTER THIS CAMPAIGN WITH SOME RELUCTANCE. BUT I
FEEL I GAVE THE NEW ADMINISTRATION THEIR CHANCE. ABOUT A
YEAR AGO I OFFERED PRESIDENT CARTER THE BENEFIT OF MY
EXPERIENCE. BUT HE SENT BACK WORD THAT WHEN HE WENT DOWN
ON HIS KNEES TO PRAY HE PREFERRED TO DO SO ALONE.

[y]

-6-

I CONFESS THAT I ORIGINALLY HAD GREAT HOPES FOR THE ADMINISTRATION: HERE WE HAD AN UPRIGHT MAN OF HIGH MORAL PRINCIPLE, SOFT SPOKEN, OF SIMPLE ORIGINS, DEVOTED TO IMPROVING THE PUBLIC WELL-BEING, DETERMINED TO LICK THE PROBLEM OF INFLATION AND JOBS....BUT THEN ARTHUR BURNS WAS FIRED.

BILL MILLER IS A GOOD CHOICE HOWEVER. AT FIRST BARRY GOLDWATER THOUGHT _HE_ MIGHT MAKE A COMEBACK, TOO, UNTIL THEY EXPLAINED TO HIM _WHICH_ BILL MILLER.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE PERSPICACITY OF A SELECTION SO CLEARLY IN THE CLASSIC AMERICAN MOLD.

I WAS BORN IN THE SOUTH GERMAN STATE OF BAVARIA, A REGION WHOSE NATIONAL HERO WAS KING LUDWIG THE MAD. HE WAS DONE IN BECAUSE HE BUILT TOO MANY CASTLES AND RAN OUT OF CASH. HE WOULD STILL BE KING HAD WORD REACHED HIM OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.

M

-7-

AS YOU KNOW ALL BAVARIANS HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED BY
THE PRUSSIAN MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA IN 1866. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, THE PRUSSIANS AT ONE POINT THOUGHT OF SETTING
FIRE TO MY NATIVE CITY BUT THEY NEVER GOT BEYOND THE
BREWERY AT THE EDGE OF TOWN.

STILL THE MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA LEFT SUCH A LASTING
IMPRESSION THAT WHEN I SAW GONE WITH THE WIND I WAS ASTONISHED
TO FIND CLARK GABLE AND VIVIAN LEIGH SPEAKING ENGLISH.

I WAS BORN IN A LOG CHALET WHERE I READ METTERNICH
AND OTHER GREAT AMERICANS BY THE LIGHT OF A KEROSENE LAMP.

I NEVER TOLD A LIE; I MAKE THIS POINT BECAUSE THE
ACCENT WHERE I COME FROM IS SO STRANGE THAT FRANKLY PEOPLE
DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW FOR SURE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

AT HARVARD I STUDIED ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND WHEN APPOINTED
TO HIGH OFFICE I FOLLOWED HIS FAMOUS WORDS: "YOU CAN FOOL
ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME"....FOR ALMOST EIGHT YEARS
IN FACT.

[Y]

-8-

I LOOK BACK WITH PRIDE ON MY SERVICE AS SECRETARY OF STATE. I WILL NEVER FORGET MY LAST DAY IN OFFICE WHEN I TURNED IN MY COWBOY HAT, MY MASK AND MY HORSE.

I THEN WENT TO THE AUDITORIUM OF THE STATE DEPARTMENT TO A RECEPTION FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAD ENJOYED WORKING FOR ME. I WAS SO MOVED THAT I WALKED UP TO THE MAN AND SHOOK HIS HAND.

AS I ENTER THE CAMPAIGN, I HAVE ALREADY PLACED CALLS TO RECRUIT MY FORMER STAFF. I HAVEN'T REACHED ALL OF THEM YET....SOME OF THE INSTITUTIONS DO NOT ALLOW PATIENTS TO TAKE PERSONAL CALLS.

AS A CANDIDATE MY FIRST IMPORTANT DUTY OF COURSE IS TO CHOOSE A RUNNING MATE.

THE CANDIDATE FOR SUCH OFFICE MUST MEET THE INTELLECTUAL STANDARDS OF JEFFERSON, THE WISDOM OF ADAMS, THE POLITICAL SAVVY OF JOHNSON, THE INTEGRITY OF TRUMAN AND BE PREPARED TO UNDERTAKE CRITICAL DIPLOMATIC ASSIGNMENTS. I HAVE

-9-

CAREFULLY CONSIDERED THESE QUALIFICATIONS AND AM PROUD
TO ANNOUNCE THAT I WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT TOO. THIS
WILL HAVE THE VIRTUE OF CUTTING DOWN ATTENDANCE AT NSC
MEETINGS, SINCE I WILL ALSO BE MY OWN SECRETARY OF
STATE AND DEFENSE.

MY CAMPAIGN WILL BE CONDUCTED WITH DIGNITY. THERE
IS TOO MUCH OF A TENDENCY TO TAKE POTSHOTS AT THE PRESIDENT,
TO ATTEMPT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM, TO EMBARRASS HIS ADMINISTRA-\TION. I WILL NOT DO THAT. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO COMPETE
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF....

I CONSIDER THE CAMPAIGN SO IMPORTANT THAT I WILL
EVEN INTERRUPT THE WRITING OF MY MEMOIRS. MY MEMOIRS WERE
TO BE CALLED STAR WARS. BUT THEN SOME MOVIE PRODUCER STOLE
THE TITLE.

I WILL TELL ALL LEAVING OUT NOTHING -- I HAVE EVEN
RESERVED A FOOTNOTE FOR ANY MISTAKES I MAY HAVE MADE. I HAVE
ALREADY WRITTEN 500 PAGES AND I AM NOT EVEN THROUGH MY
BACHELOR DAYS YET.

-10-

I HAVE BEGUN PREPARING FOR THE DEBATES. LET'S SEE....
POLAND HAS A FREE PRESS -- OR DOES IT PRESS THE FREE?
IT IS DOMINATED BY RUSSIA OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
IN FACT A FEW MORE PRESIDENTIAL STATEMENTS AND POLAND WILL
BE THE FREEST COUNTRY ON EARTH AND POLES WILL BE TELLING
AMERICAN JOKES.

LET'S FACE IT....IF WE ARE TO WAGE AN EFFECTIVE ALFALFA
CAMPAIGN TO WIN THE OVAL OFFICE, WE MUST FIRST ASSESS
THE OPPOSITION. WHO WILL RUN AGAINST ME? ON THE DEMOCRATIC
SIDE WE HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT CARTER CAN'T COPE. BUT YOU CAN'T
ALWAYS BELIEVE BOB BYRD WHO WOULD SAY ANYTHING TO GET A
DEMOCRAT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE. AND THE CRITICISM IS ALSO
UNFAIR. PRESIDENT CARTER HAS THE BEST RELATIONS WITH CONGRESS
OF ANY SOUTHERN PRESIDENT SINCE JEFFERSON DAVIS.

I HAVE ALSO HEARD THAT PRESIDENT CARTER IS NO LONGER
INTERESTED IN THE JOB....THAT HE DOES NOT INTEND TO RUN FOR
REELECTION, THAT HE PLANS TO STEP ASIDE AND SUPPORT WALTER

M

---11---

MONDALE. BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE WALTER MONDALE.
ACTUALLY I WAS NOT TOLD THAT BY WALTER MONDALE. I
HAPPENED TO OVERHEAR HIM PRAYING,

ANOTHER STORY I HAVE HEARD IS THAT EVEN WALTER
MONDALE DOESNOT INTEND TO RUN BECAUSE THE HOLIDAY INNS
AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH FOR HIM.
BUT YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BELIEVE JERRY BROWN.

BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT JERRY BROWN HAS A PROBLEM.
IF HE BECOMES A CANDIDATE HE MAY INSIST THAT THE RESULTS OF
THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE ARE ANNOUNCED BY THE COLOR OF SMOKE
FROM A CHIMNEY.

SPEAKING OF JERRY BROWN, CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU MAY THINK,
JERRY BROWN HAS SEEN PRESIDENT CARTER MANY TIMES OVER THE PAST
YEAR. JERRY'S OTHER FAVORITE ON TELEVISION IS CAPTAIN KANGAROO,

ON THE REPUBLICAN SIDE THERE ARE CONSTANT FEARS THAT THE
PARTY IS DYING. THESE STORIES HAVE NO FOUNDATION IN FACT.
THE YOUNG REPUBLICANS HAVE JUST HAD A TREMENDOUS SPURT IN
MEMBERSHIP WHEN THEY RAISED THEIR MINIMUM AGE TO 70.

-12-

AND THERE ARE IN ANY EVENT QUITE A FEW REPUBLICANS.
IN 1976 AT THE CONVENTION IN KANSAS CITY THERE WERE 15
THOUSAND REPUBLICANS. AND WHAT MAKES THIS FIGURE TRULY
IMPRESSIVE IS THAT FOR EVERYONE OF THEM THERE WAS ANOTHER
REPUBLICAN BACK HOME.

THE LIST OF REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES IS LONGER: JERRY
FORD, RONALD REAGAN, JOHN CONNALLY, BARRY GOLDWATER, HOWARD
BAKER, BOB DOLE.

I HONESTLY DON'T BELIEVE JERRY FORD WANTS THE JOB
AGAIN.... HE IS ENJOYING LIFE TOO MUCH AS A PRIVATE
CITIZEN.... BUMPING INTO ALL KINDS OF NEW FRIENDS.

RECENTLY HOWARD BAKER HAS BEEN MAKING GREAT STRIDES....
IN FACT HIS STRIDE IS NOW SO GREAT HE IS ABLE TO STAND
ON BOTH SIDES OF THE PANAMA CANAL.

AS FOR JOHN CONNALLY, I THINK ALL OF US KNOW HIM
AS A SHY, RETIRING AND SELF-EFFACING PUBLIC SERVANT.

THIS IS WHY HE WANTS IT CLEARLY UNDERSTOOD THAT HIS PRESENT SPEAKING TOUR IS ON BEHALF OF OTHER REPUBLICANS. TO LEAVE NO DOUBT ABOUT HIS INTENTIONS HE HAS DECLARED THAT IF NOMINATED HE WOULD BE RELUCTANT TO RUN, IF ELECTED HE MIGHT NOT SERVE, BUT IF BEGGED HE WOULD TAKE IT.

AS FOR BOB DOLE, HE HAS ALREADY AGREED TO GO ON TELEVISION TO DEBATE ALL OF HIS OPPONENTS, BE THEY REPUBLICANS, DEMOCRATS OR MEMBERS OF THE CURRENT ADMINISTRATION.

AND NOW THAT WE KNOW HOW DANGEROUS HAIR DYE IS, WE WILL SOON SEE HOW MUCH RONALD REAGAN WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT.

BUT I CAN ALWAYS MAKE HIM SECRETARY OF DEFENSE. HIS EXPERIENCE IN ALL THOSE WAR MOVIES SHOULD NOT BE WASTED.

-14-

M

FINALLY THERE IS CHUCK PERCY, WHO HAS NO INTENTION
WHATSOEVER OF RUNNING..... BUT I PROMISED CHUCK I'D MENTION
HIS NAME.

IN LEADING OUR GREAT ALFALFA PARTY TO VICTORY I WILL
NOT YIELD TO THE EXTREME RIGHT NOR WILL I YIELD TO THE
EXTREME LEFT BUT I WILL CARRY EVERY ALFALFAN DOWN THE MIDDLE
OF THE ROAD WHERE WE HAVE SO OFTEN FAILED BEFORE.

OUR CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WILL BE: "LET'S MAKE BILLY CARTER
A ONE-TERM ENTERTAINER."

MY CAMPAIGN BOOK WILL BE "THE BEST IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH."

I WILL REFUSE TO CATER TO THE PUBLIC CONVICTION THAT
ALL POLITICIANS SHOULD BE PERFECT. AFTER ALL, IT IS HARD
TO RAISE A SON WHO IS PERFECT. EVEN MISS LILLIAN ONLY
SUCCEEDED 50% OF THE TIME.

FOLLOWING IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY PREDECESSOR, ON
INAUGURATION DAY I WOULD LIKE TO BE SWORN IN ON THAT
SPECIAL BIBLE OF MISS LILLIAN'S..... THE ONE WITH THE ADDITIONAL
CHAPTERS JIMMY WROTE.

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[Y]

DURING THE INAUGURATION CEREMONIES I WILL ALLOW NO PHOTOGRAPHERS. THERE WILL BE HOWEVER ONE ARTIST DOING AN OIL PAINTING. IT MAY SLOW UP THE PARADE BUT HISTORY WILL APPRECIATE IT.

WHEN YOU HEAR MY INAUGURATION SPEECH YOU WILL THRILL AT ALL THE PROMISES I AM GOING TO MAKE TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. HEALTH CARE....WELFARE....SHORTER WORKING WEEKS.... AN END TO UNEMPLOYMENT....INCREASED SOCIAL SECURITY.... LOW INCOME TAXES....WELFARE....A BALANCED BUDGET....WELFARE.... BUT DON'T WORRY, BEFORE THE SPEECH I WILL MAKE SURE I AM GIVEN IMMUNITY.....BY MY NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL DAVID MARSTON.

I WILL RESTORE MY NEW OFFICE TO THE PEOPLE. I WILL STROLL ALL THE WAY FROM THE CAPITOL STEPS TO MY LIMOUSINE. I WILL BE ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN TO GREET DISTINGUISHED GUESTS WITH AN HONOR GUARD IN ELEGANT NEW UNIFORMS THAT I BELIEVE ARE STORED IN THE WHITE HOUSE BASEMENT.

-16-

ON ENTERING THE OVAL OFFICE I SHALL REMOVE THE SIGN "THE BUCK STOPS HERE" AND RETURN IT TO ITS ORIGINAL SOURCE, THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.

I WILL ALSO TAKE DOWN ALL THE PAINTINGS OF WELL-KNOWN DEMOCRATS. I HOPE RONALD REAGAN AND JOHN CONNALLY WON'T BE OFFENDED.

AS TO WORKING CONDITIONS WHEN I OCCUPY THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT TOLERATE THE CONSTANT PLAYING OF CLASSICAL MUSIC, FOR ON A RECENT VISIT TO THE WHITE HOUSE I NOTICED THE SELECTIONS ARE IN HARMONY WITH THE ADMINISTRATION'S LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENTS. THIS ACCOUNTS FOR THE POPULARITY OF THE UNFINISHED SYMPHONY.

WHEN I TAKE OFFICE EACH DAY THERE WILL BE FLAGS FLYING, BANDS PLAYING, PARADES, POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE....AFTER WHICH I SHALL SHOWER AND GO DOWN TO BREAKFAST.

I WANT TO JUDGED NOT BY WHAT I DO BUT HOW I EXPLAIN IT IN A BACKGROUNDER.

-17-

I WILL OF COURSE SET MY PRIORITIES TO DO WHAT MUST BE DONE FOR THE COUNTRY. THAT IN ITSELF WILL BE A CHANGE -- HAVING PRIORITIES.

IN THIS REGARD, IMMEDIATELY UPON INAUGURATION, I SHALL MOVE DECISIVELY TO REINSTATE THE USE OF HARD LIQUOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE. NOT ONLY WILL I SERVE MARTINIS BUT IN THE TRUE ALFALFA TRADITION I SHALL DEDUCT THEM.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER TAKING THE OATH OF OFFICE I PLAN TO MEET WITH MEMBERS OF THE PRESENT ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE EACH OF THEM REPORT TO ME IN DETAIL ALL OF THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN THE ENERGY FIELD, WHICH MEANS THAT I SHOULD BE BACK ON THE REVIEWING STAND IN TIME TO SEE THE ALABAMA FLOAT PASS BY.

I AGREE THAT THE ENERGY CRISIS IS THE MORAL EQUIVALENT OF WAR. BUT THE WAY WE ARE FACING IT LOOKS LIKE WE'RE ALREADY AT APPOMATOX.

-18-

AS FOR THE NATION'S FINANCES, HERE IS MY PLAN. FIRST
EVERY AMERICAN SENDS ME A $50 REBATE; THEN I INVEST IT IN
GEORGIA BANK SHARES; THEN I SELL THEM TO SAUDI ARABIA AT
TWICE THE MARKET PRICE, AND RETURN THE PROFIT TO THE
TREASURY. IF WE CAN KEEP THIS UP FOR EIGHT YEARS WE WILL
OWN SAUDI ARABIA AND KING KHALID WILL OWN GEORGIA.

I WILL DO AWAY WITH ALL TAX DEDUCTIONS, EXCEPT OF
COURSE THOSE DEDUCTIONS WHICH BENEFIT THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE THE MOST.....HONORARIUMS FOR SPEECHES AND ANY INCOME
DERIVED FROM THE PUBLICATION OF ONE'S MEMOIRS.

FOREIGN POLICY WILL BE MY MAIN AREA OF CONCENTRATION.
I INTEND TO BUILD ON THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF THE CURRENT
ADMINISTRATION, AS SOON AS ZBIG BRIEFS ME ON WHAT THEY ARE.

AS FOR THE MIDDLE EAST, I HAVE REMAINED IN CLOSE PERSONAL
TOUCH WITH THE PRINCIPALS.....ONLY THIS MORNING I RECEIVED
A LETTER FROM ANWAR SADAT THANKING ME AGAIN FOR DEMANDING TIME
MAGAZINE TAKE ME OFF THE COVER AND NAME HIM MAN OF THE YEAR.

-19-

I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF THE SALT TALKS RIGHT AWAY. I WILL HAVE A SWEEPING NEW PLAN, AND IN ANTICIPATION OF BREZHNEV'S REACTION, I HAVE PREPARED A SWEEPING NEW FALL-BACK POSITION.

SPEAKING OF THE SALT AGREEMENT, I UNDERSTAND THAT THE CONGRESS WILL TURN TO IT AS SOON AS IT COMPLETES THE ENERGY BILL AND THE PANAMA DEBATE. THAT SHOULD CERTAINLY PEP UP OUR TRICENTENNIAL CELEBRATION.

I WILL LEAD THE CRUSADE TO UPGRADE THE MORALITY OF OUR NATION. SEX AND VIOLENCE HAVE NO PLACE ON TELEVISION..... LET'S KEEP THEM IN THE HOME WHERE THEY BELONG.

I WILL MOVE QUICKLY ON TWO BOLD FRONTS.

FIRST, I WILL STREAMLINE OUR GOVERNMENT BY REDUCING THE 1900 GOVERNMENT DEPARTMENTS TO ONE.

SECOND, -- AND I KNOW THIS HAS BEEN PROMISED OFTEN -- I HAVE A PROGRAM WHICH I AM ANNOUNCING NOW FOR REDUCING THE SIZE OF THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF. NO ONE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT THE

-20-

[Y]

SIZE OF YOUR STAFF WHEN YOUR CHIEF AIDES ARE CARL ALBERT, BRYCE HARLOW, JACK VALENTI, AND JOHN TOWER. THIS HAS THE ADDITIONAL ADVANTAGE THAT THEY WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO LOOK UP TO ME.

NOW TO THE MEN AND WOMEN WHO WILL HELP ME IMPLEMENT MY PROGRAM.

I WILL DRAW ON THE ADVICE OF ALL THE EXPERIENCED MEN WHO HAVE HELD THIS HIGH OFFICE. JASON ROBARDS HAS ALREADY GIVEN ME SOME GREAT TIPS.

I WOULD LIKE TO KEEP BOB STRAUSS IN HIS PRESENT POSITION AS CHIEF OF STAFF, PROVIDED THE CIA AGREES TO KEEP HIS COVER AS INTERNATIONAL TRADE NEGOTIATOR.

BUT ON SECOND THOUGHT BOB STRAUSS WILL HAVE TO GO; I CAN'T THINK OF A PRECEDENT FOR HAVING A WEALTHY TEXAS DEMOCRAT DEALING WITH TRADE AND FINANCE IN A REPUBLICAN ADMINISTRATION.

NEXT I WILL NEED A CONGRESSIONAL LIAISON OFFICER: HE
MUST BE A MAN INTIMATELY CONVERSANT WITH THE WAYS OF
WASHINGTON, HAVE A KEEN KNOWLEDGE OF HOW CONGRESS OPERATES
AND LONG EXPERIENCE IN GAINING CONGRESSIONAL CONFIDENCE.
I WILL NOMINATE TONGSUN PARK FOR THAT OFFICE.

IT IS TOO BAD TO SEE HAMILTON JORDAN AND JODY POWELL
LEAVE JUST AS THEY WERE LEARNING THEIR WAY AROUND WASHINGTON.
ONLY YESTERDAY JODY TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE ENJOYED WORKING AT
1600 PENNSYLVANIA STREET,

AND HAMILTON DESERVES TO BE DEFENDED AGAINST SOME
RECENT PRESS INSINUATIONS. ANYONE WHO APPRECIATES THAT
THERE IS SIGNIFICANCE IN ARCHITECTURAL MONUMENTS BEYOND
BRICKS AND MORTAR CANNOT BE ALL BAD,

AS FOR MY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, HE MUST BE ABLE
TO PRONOUNCE TECHNETRONIC, TRILATERAL, CONCENTRIC CIRCLES,
AND PROXY WARS, PREFERABLY WITH AN ACCENT.

-22-

HIS FIRST ASSIGNMENT WILL BE TO PLAN A FOREIGN TRIP FOR ME SYMBOLIZING THAT MY FOREIGN POLICY IS TRULY GLOBAL. THIS OBVIOUSLY REQUIRES STOPOVERS IN TAHITI, BALI, ACAPULCO, AND A VISIT TO THE HISTORIC BEACHES OF THE FRENCH RIVIERA.

ACTUALLY, PRESIDENT CARTER'S FIRST WORLD TRIP WAS VERY SUCCESSFUL. SOME CONFUSION OCCURRED WHEN PRESS STORIES FROM WARSAW QUOTED ZBIG'S BACKGROUNDER AS COMING FROM A SENIOR POLISH OFFICIAL. JODY POWELL STRAIGHTENED IT OUT BY DENYING THAT ZBIG WAS ALL THAT SENIOR.

BY THE TIME PRESIDENT CARTER GOT TO BRUSSELS SOMEBODY HEARD HIM ASK WHETHER THIS STOP WAS SYMBOLIC OR SUBSTANTIVE. ZBIG GAVE HIM AN ANSWER THAT WAS EXTREMELY COLD AND BLUNT.

AS FOR THE UN, IT IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ANDY YOUNG BECAUSE OF ITS CONVENIENCE....THERE HE CAN INSULT ALL THE OTHER COUNTRIES OF THE WORLD WITHOUT LEAVING THE BUILDING.

-23-

MY NEW DIRECTOR OF THE CIA WILL BE PROMOTED FROM *WITHIN*
THE *RANKS* OF THE CIA....WHICH SHOULD OFFER SOME HOPE OF
ADVANCEMENT TO *JOURNALISTS* EVERYWHERE.

POSSIBLY I WILL NAME MY BROTHER TO BE THE NEW DIRECTOR....
BECAUSE MY POOR BROTHER HAS A REAL PROBLEM. HAVE YOU EVER
TRIED TO SELL A BEER CALLED WALTER?

I WILL APPOINT GEORGE ALLEN AS SECRETARY OF HEW TO
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HIS MANY YEARS OF EXPERIENCE IN DEALING
WITH THE AGED, THE INFIRM, THE HALT AND THE LAME.

SECRETARY OF TREASURY IS A KEY ASSIGNMENT. REMEMBER OUR
FIRST SECRETARY WAS ALEXANDER HAMILTON, WHOSE PICTURE IS ON
THE 10 DOLLAR BILL. THEY WANT TO PUT MIKE BLUMENTHAL ON THE
DOLLAR, BUT IT'S SHRINKING SO FAST THERE'S NO ROOM LEFT.
THE OBVIOUS CANDIDATE IS THE CURRENT ATTORNEY GENERAL. THE
COUNTRY CANNOT SPARE A MAN WITH HIS INGENUITY AND HIS DEDICATION
TO ECONOMY. HE PROVED THESE QUALITIES BY ANNOUNCING THAT
HE WILL CALL PERSONALLY ALL CONGRESSMEN CLEARED BY TONGSUN

-24-

PARK. THAT SHOULD NOT COST THE GOVERNMENT MUCH OR TAKE A
GREAT DEAL OF HIS TIME.

SO FELLOW ALFALFANS YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT MY BACKGROUND,
MY PROGRAM AND MY APPOINTMENTS. I ACCEPT YOUR NOMINATION
BECAUSE THE RENT IS REASONABLE, BECAUSE I WILL NOW GET MY
"NO PARKING" SIGN BACK AND BECAUSE HAVING TAKEN OFF SO
MUCH WEIGHT THERE WILL BE ROOM FOR ME ON MOUNT RUSHMORE...

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, IF I MAY TURN SLIGHTLY SERIOUS FOR
A MOMENT, GIVEN THE RECORD OF THIS DISTINGUISHED ORGANIZATION
THERE IS ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY THAT DESPITE MY QUALIFICATIONS
I SHALL JOIN THE LONG LIST OF LOSERS YOU HAVE NOMINATED
AND THAT THIS NATION WILL HAVE TO GET ALONG WITHOUT THE
LEADERSHIP MY FATHER CONSIDERS SO INDISPENSABLE. THERE
EXISTS THE POSSIBILITY THEN THAT DESPITE MY BEST EFFORTS
SOMEONE ELSE WILL LEAD THIS NATION.

AND IN THAT UNFORTUNATE EVENT WE ALFALFANS WILL -- AS
SO OFTEN BEFORE -- REMEMBER THAT ALL AMERICANS MUST SEE