THE SCENE IS DOWNSTAIRS OF SUBWAY. WE SEE A TURNSTILE AND TO ONE SIDE OF IT, A CHANGE BOOTH. IN FRONT OF THIS IS THE SUBWAY PLATFORM IN PROFILE, SO THAT THO WE DON'T SEE THE TRAIN, WE CAN "SHOW" IT THROUGH LIGHTS AND SOUNDS. STANDING ON THE PLATFORM IS A GUM-MACHINE, AND TRASH-BASKET...AS THE CURTAIN RISES WE HEAR

LIGHTS ACCOMPANY THIS...AND AT THE SAME TIME JEAN RUNS INTO SCENE, AND BANGS INTO STUCK TURNSTILE WHICH SHE FORGOT TO PUT COIN IN... SHE SNAPS HER FINGERS...

AS SHE FUMBLES IN HER PURSE FOR COIN...

SHE PLACES COIN IN MACHINE WALKS THROUGH TURNSTILE... STANDS IN SLOT WHEN SHE COMES IN...DROPS HER PURSE...BENDS TO PICK IT UP...WHEN SHE STRAIGHTENS UP...A MAN BEHIND HER PUSHES TURNSTILE--SHOVING HER BACK WHERE SHE STARTED...

SHE SHRUGS...TAKES OUT ANOTHER COIN...DROPS IT IN

SHE GOES TO EDGE OF PLATFORM LOOKS TO SEE IF A TRAIN IS COMING...WALKS BACK...

SHE LOOKS INTO A GUM BALL MACHINE MIRROR...STRAIGHTENS HER HAT OUT...TAKES OUT PENNY...GOES TO PUT IT IN MACHINE...IT DROPS...AND ROLLS AWAY...

(MORE)

(NOISE OF TRAIN PULLING OUT)

JEAN:

Darn it, missed my train...well, there will be another in a minute... You know, I usually take a cab to the beauty parlor, but why spend fifty cents for a cab when here for fifteen cents I get there in half the time...

As I said...for thirty cents I get there in half the time.

-1-

(CONT)

SHE LOOKS FOR THE PENNY...
SEES IT HAS ROLLED UNDER
THE TURNSTILE...SHE BENDS
DOWN...GETS UNDER...
RETRIEVES THE COIN...THEN
BENDS DOWN...AND IS READY
TO CRAWL BACK WHEN THE MAN
FROM THE CHANGE BOOTH STEPS
OUT AND SNAPS HIS FINGERS...

SHE RETREATS AND STANDS UP
CHAGRINED...

GUARD:

Here now...

JEAN:

Well, you see I just...

GUARD:

...sneaking under the turnstile is
a misdemeanor you know...

JEAN:

Yes sir...I'm sorry sir...I'll put
in another token...
Alright...forty-five cents...a
dollar forty-five...I think I got a
run in my nylons.

Let's see...I think I'll try a
Tutti-Frutti...

SHE DOES SO...

LOOKS DOWN

SHE TAKES A PENNY AND GOES
BACK TO THE GUM MACHINE...

PLACES PENNY IN MACHINE...PULLS
THE LEVER...AND THEN FEELS FOR
THE GUM...BENDS DOWN...LOOKS IN
...STANDS UP AND PULLS THE
OTHER PLUNGERS...FEELS AND LOOKS
AGAIN...NOTHING...SHE CONTROLS
HERSELF...TURNS TO AUDIENCE...

JEAN:

The trick is to be philosophical
about things like this...walk away
and forget about it -- but I haven't
-2- learned the trick yet...

TURNS ON THE MACHINE AND BEGINS
TO BANG IT WITH HER FISTS...
STOPS EXHAUSTED... A MAN COMES
OVER TO THE MACHINE... PUTS A
PENNY IN... DEFTLY TAPS THE
MACHINE THIS WAY AND THAT...
WORKS IT LIKE A PINBALL
MACHINE... THEN HE TAKES HIS
HAT OFF AND CATCHES THE GUM
THAT COMES CASCADING OUT...
JEAN JUST STARES... AFTER HE
WALKS AWAY SHE TAKES ANOTHER
PENNY OUT...

SHE DROPS IT IN... GOES THRU
THE SAME BIZZ THAT THE MAN
DID... HIP MOVEMENTS AND ALL...
THEN TAKES OFF HER HAT AND
WAITS FOR THE DELUGE OF GUM...
WHEN IT DOESN'T COME... SHE
STICKS HER HAND REAL FAR INTO
THE BOTTOM OF THE MACHINE...
JUST AT THAT POINT...

SHE TRIES TO WALK AND FINDS
SHE IS STUCK...

SHE IS LEFT BANGING ON THE
GUM MACHINE... FINALLY TAKES
HER SHOE OFF AND BANGS WITH
THAT TOO...
FINALLY SHE TUGS AT IT... IT
COMES OFF THE POLE. SHE
REELS BACK "HITS HER HEAD"
ON WALL - SLUMPS DOWN...

THE SCENE IS A BLEAK HOSPITAL
ROOM WITH A STRONG LIGHT
OVERHEAD. DOCTORS IN WHITE
OPERATING COATS ARE TALKING.

JEAN:
Well, now I know how...

Ooops... here comes my train...

(SUBWAY TRAIN APPROACHING...
SUBWAY DEPARTS...)

FIRST DOCTOR:

I've been a doctor for twenty years
and I've never seen anything like
this Carroll case.

-3-

## CALLS OFF STAGE

A NURSE WHEELS JEAN IN. SHE IS ON A WHITE TABLE, COVERED TO THE CHIN BY SHEET. THE TWO DOCTORS GET BEHIND HER.. LOOK DOWN...THE FIRST ONE...

THROWS BACK THE SHEET AND WE SEE THAT THE GUM MACHINE IS STILL ATTACHED TO JEAN'S HAND

## SECOND DOCTOR:

I came as soon as you called, Dr. Green, and the way you describe the case, we may have to send for a specialist. Let's have a look at her.

## FIRST DOCTOR:

Nurse, wheel her in please.

Well, what do you make of this, doctor?

## SECOND DOCTOR:

Tsk...tsk...it looks hopeless...

## FIRST DOCTOR:

You mean...

## SECOND DOCTOR:

She may never wear gloves again...
..Uh...How old are you Madam?

## JEAN:

Twenty-nine.

## SECOND DOCTOR:

Just as I thought...she's delirious. Hcffman, the specialist, should be here any minute...here he is now.

-4-

A MAN IN OVERALLS...CAP...WITH
TOOL BAG COMES RUNNING IN
QUICKLY...

FIRST DR. STEPS FORWARD

FIRST DOCTOR:

I'm Doctor Green, Mayo Clinic, '34...

SECOND DR. STEPS FORWARD

SECOND DOCTOR:

Doctor Proctor, Leahy Clinic, '35.

PLUMBER STEPS FORWARD

PLUMBER:

O'Keefe...Popular Mechanics, '43.

FIRST DOCTOR:

Glad to have you on the case, have a
look.

THE PLUMBER MOVES AROUND...
UNCOVERS THE MACHINE...

PLUMBER:

Uhuh...(FAINTS STRAIGHT BACK INTO
ARMS OF OTHER TWO DOCTORS)

THEY REVIVE HIM...

I'm sorry...I always get faint at the
sight of chewing-gum.

JEAN:

Will everything be alright?

PLUMBER:

I think so...

JEAN:

Good.

PLUMBER:

I can save the machine--you I don't
know about.

-5-

**FIRST DOCTOR:**

Prepare to operate.

**NURSE:**

Yes, Doctor.

**PLUMBER:**

Give the arm an injection.

**NURSE:**

Of what doctor?

**PLUMBER:**

Three-In-One Oil--what else?

**SECOND DOCTOR:**

Where did this happen, at an Express
Stop?

**JEAN:**

No.

**SECOND DOCTOR:**

In that case we'll give you a local
anaesthetic.

**FIRST DOCTOR:**

O'Keefe, how do you plan to go about
this?

**PLUMBER:**

Well, I think I'll make an incision
through the Tutti Frutti...then saw
my way down to the Spearmint.

POINTS TO THE MACHINE AS HE TALKS

-6-

FIRST DOCTOR:

Excellent.

GETS INTO POSITION OVER THE
MACHINE AND RAPS OUT ORDERS IN
STACCATTO FASHION

PLUMBER:

Hacksaw...

SHE SLAPS IT INTO HIS HAND...AND
HE CUTS FOR A MOMENT...GIVES IT
BACK TO HER...

NURSE:

Hacksaw

PLUMBER:

Screwdriver.

HANDS IT TO HIM...HE WORKS WITH
IT...GIVES IT BACK...

NURSE:

Screwdriver.

PLUMBER:

Quick...a soldering iron...she's

THE NURSE HANDS HIM THE IRON...

losing Chiclets fast.

FIRST DOCTOR:

Give me a count.

SECOND DOCTOR:

103 Pennies!

PLUMBER:

Pliers!

NURSE HANDS THEM TO HIM

NURSE:

Pliers.

FIRST DOCTOR:

What's the latest count.

-7-

THE DOCTORS AND PLUMBER EXIT
AND LEAVE JEAN WITH THE
PSYCHIATRIST AND NURSE

**FIRST DOCTOR:**

The resident psychiatrist...

**JEAN:**

I don't need a psychiatrist...

**FIRST DOCTOR:**

That's your story... Ah, here's Von
Schnitzel... she's all yours doctor...

**DR. VON SCHNITZEL:**

Now then, Miss Carroll, the report
says you voss found in a subway
station with a chewing gum machine
stuck on your arm... How do you
explain that?

**JEAN:**

Very simple. I was in the subway
waiting for a train.

**DR. VON SCHNITZEL:**

Tell me, you always wait for a train
with a chewing gum machine on your
arm?

**JEAN:**

Wait a minute I didn't come in there
with the machine on my arm... I was
standing waiting for a subway...

-9-

DR. VON SCHNITZEL:

Ven all of a sudden the machine
jumped on your arm and got stuck.

JEAN:

That's right.. (TAKE) Now wait a
minute...

DR. VON SCHNITZEL:

Please, I'll ask the questions...
what's your favorite flavor chewing
gum?

JEAN:

Well, sometimes I like Spearmint, and
sometimes I like Peppermint...I'm
sort of split between them.

DR. VON SCHNITZEL:

Uhu... (TO NURSE) Put down Split
Personality...

SHE WRITES IT IN PAD

JEAN:

Also Tutti Frutti...

DR. VON SCHNITZEL:

This you don't have to tell me...
Miss Carroll...when you was a little
girl did you ever have an experience
that frightened you?

TAPS HIS SKULL MEANINGFULLY
AT NURSE

JEAN:

What kind of experience?

-10-

**DR. VON SCHNITZEL:**

Well, for instance, did a piece of
bubble gum ever explode in your face?

**JEAN:**

What are you talking about...I think
you're a quack.

**DR. VON SCHNITZEL:**

I'm a what?

**JEAN:**

Quack...quack...quack...

**DR. VON SCHNITZEL:**

(TO NURSE) This I never heard of--
a duck what likes bubble gum...Lady,
in the words of the medical
profession you're goofy...

**JEAN:**

Me goofy...goofy...goofy... (FADES INTO DREAM MUSIC...SHIMMER...)
(COME OUT OF SHIMMER WITH "DRAGNET" THEME)

**DETECTIVE:**

All I want is the facts man, just the
facts...

**JEAN:**

Who are you?

SCREEN SHIMMERS...WHEN IT CLEARS
NURSE AND DOCTOR ARE GONE...JEAN
IS CONFRONTED BY DETECTIVE

-11-

**DETECTIVE:**

My name is Thursday.

**NURSE:**

What happened to Friday?

**JEAN:**

He's off on Wednesdays...

**DETECTIVE:**

Alright lady, we know who you are.

**JEAN:**

You do?

**DETECTIVE:**

Yes, Juicyfruit Jeannie, alias
Spearmint Sally, alias Dentyne
Dorothy.

**JEAN:**

I was just standing in the subway.

**DETECTIVE:**

It's no use--you might as well come
clean--what do you know about the
Grand Central caper?

**JEAN:**

What are you talking about?

-12-

**DETECTIVE:**

Someone broke into a candy vending
machine at Grand Central...got away
with two dozen O'Henry bars...on the
machine...I found three chocolate
fingerprints.

**JEAN:**

I don't know anything.

**DETECTIVE:**

Maybe you do--maybe you don't...
here...hold this.

**JEAN:**

What is it?

**DETECTIVE:**

A warm O'Henry bar...okay...now
we'll get your prints.

Well, the prints match...care to make
a statement?

**JEAN:**

I didn't do it.

**DETECTIVE:**

You did so.

**JEAN:**

Alright I did do it.

THEY GO THROUGH THE PRINT BIT
...HE PRESSES JEAN'S HAND ON
PAPER...LOOKS AT THEM AND
COMPARES THEM WITH THE SHEET
HE TAKES OUT OF HIS POCKET...

-13-

**DETECTIVE:**

Go on confess...it'll go easier on
you...

**JEAN:**

Alright, I did it.

**DETECTIVE:**

Don't lie mam...we got your
fingerprints and they match...

**JEAN:**

I didn't do it...I did it...I didn't
do it...

(MUSIC THEME)

THEME...SHIMMER MUSIC...

GOES TO BLACK...WHEN THE
LIGHTS COME UP...SHE IS STILL
SLUMPED IN SUBWAY...

MAN WHO GOT ALL THE CHICKLETS
OUT OF THE MACHINE HELPS JEAN
TO HER FEET...

HELPS HER UP...

HE GIVES HER A PIECE OF GUM

**VOICE:**

Jean Carroll was found guilty and
received a sentence of ten to
twenty Tootsie Rolls...Case closed...

**JEAN:**

Oh, my head...What hit me?

**MAN:**

The gum machine fell off the wall
and hit you on the head. Gee, lady,
if you wanted a piece of gum, why
didn't you say so? Here.

-14-

THE SCENE IS A SMALL
BAR CLASS ROOM. THE
TEACHER (DAVID ORRICK)
IS PACING BACK AND
FORTH, IN FRONT OF A
DIAS WITH A CHAIR ON
IT, AND A BUNDLE OF
TOYS AT THE SIDE. TWO
MOTHERS AND A POLICEMAN
ARE WATCHING HIM.
JEAN CARSON (MRS.
WALSH) SPEAKS...

(SOUND: OFF STAGE NOISES OF KIDS LAUGHING
AND TALKING)

**MRS. WALSH:**

Really Mr. Simpson, the Children's
Christmas Party is almost over..you were
supposed to hire a Santa Claus, where
is he?

**MR. SIMPSON:**

I did hire one. I even rented a suit for
him. It's right here. He was supposed to
be here a half hour ago.

HOLDS IT UP.

**POLICEMAN:**

Sure and the kids will be disappointed
if Santa doesn't show up for their party..
I'd get into that suit myself except I
have to be on the beat in five minutes..

**MR. SIMPSON:**

And I'd do it...but they'd recognize me.

**MRS. WALSH:**

We need a nice, jolly, chubby creature.

JEAN WALKS IN...

**JEAN:**

Hiya....am I too late?

-15-

GIVES THE OTHER TWO
THE EYE AND THEY
GRAB HER.
THEY GRAB HER....

DRAGS HER THROUGH DOOR..
A FEW SECONDS LATER THE
KIDS COME IN..ROBIN, A
TOUGH KID, MIKE MANN,
AND ANOTHER LITTLE
GIRL...THE TOUGH KID
HAS A HOLSTER AND GUN..

GIRL GOES TO WOMAN

MRS. WALSH:

No..I think you're just in time.

JEAN:

Wait a minute..what's this all about?

MRS. WALSH:

It's all very simple..the Santa Claus
we hired for the kid's party didn't show
up...we need someone to play the part..
and you're it ..

JEAN:

But I...wait a minute..whoever heard of a
woman playing Santa Claus..

MRS. WALSH:

Come on dear..I'll help you into your
Santa costume.

LITTLE GIRL:

Hello Mommy....where's Santa Claus?...

WOMAN:

Oh, he's here..you'll see him in a second...

ROBIN:

Where's my Mommy?

-16-

GRABS TOUGH KID
WITH GUN
KID SHAKES OFF COPS

TURNS TO THE TEACHER..
LAUGHS WHILE HIS BACK
IS TURNED KID TAKES
FATHERS GUN AND
EXCHANGES IT WITH
HIS TOY PISTOL..
NEITHER FATHER OR
TEACHER SEES THIS.

KID KICKS TEACHER IN
THE SHIN..TEACHER PICKS
UP FAST....
THE BOP KID IS WEARING
A BERET...HE WALKS OVER
TO ROBIN AND THE OTHER
LITTLE GIRL....

MRS. WALSH COMES OUT..
GOES TO THE TEACHER...

**WOMAN:**

She'll be here in a second too..

**POLICEMAN:**

Come here Timmy...Now son, when Santa
gets here I want you to be a good boy...

**TOUGH KID:**

(SNARLS) Take your hands off me copper...
I don't take orders see...from no one
see..and that's the way it's going to be
see.

**POLICEMAN:**

I don't know what to do about my boy..
he's seeing too many gangster pictures
...one of these days I'm going to have
to give him a licking....

**TEACHER: (KINDLY)**

I don't think you should....

On second thought..it's the only thing....

**BOP KID:**

What's cooking chicks...?

**ROBIN:**

Oh, he thinks he's so smart just because
he has Dizzie Gillespie's autograph...

-17-

**MRS. WALSH:**
Mr. Simpson, Santa Claus is ready..

**MR. SIMPSON:**
Oh, good...(CLAPS HANDS) Children, and
now the big surprise of our party..
Santa Claus...

**JEAN:**
Merry Christmas...Ho...Ho...HO...

HE OPENS THE DOOR AND
JEAN COMES OUT IN AN
OVERSIZED SUIT, WITH
PILLOW STUCK UNDER
COAT, AND BEARD WHEN
SHE PATS STOMACH THE
PILLOW SLIPS OUT..
SHE SHOVES IT BACK.

JEAN SITS DOWN ON THE
THRONE, AND THE KIDS
AND PARENTS LINE
UP TO ONE SIDE...
EXCEPT THE COP WHO
HAS LEFT... THE MOTHER
WITH LITTLE GIRL IS
FIRST IN LINE...

THEY COME UP AND THE
KID GETS IN JEAN'S
LAP....

**JEAN:**
You're first...
Now, have you been a good little girl?

**GIRL:**
Yes Santa Claus.

**JEAN:**
Now what do you want for Christmas?

**GIRL:**
I want a new dollie.

**MOTHER:**
But Honey, you just got a new doll.

-18-

**GIRL:**

I know..but it's sick.

**JEAN:**

How do you know it's sick?

**GIRL:**

I cut it's head off!

**JEAN:**

You're a very good little girl.

REACHES INTO BAG AND
GIVES HER A BOX OF
CANDY....

Here's a little present.. now don't forget
to look in your stocking Christmas
morning.....

PATS KID ON HEAD..KID
AND MOTHER EXIT....

Merry Christmas...

Next....

TEACHER BRINGS ROBIN
UP...

**MR. SIMPSON:**

And this is little Robin Carroll.

**JEAN:**

And what have you got to say to Santa
Claus?

THE KID SITS IN HER
LAP...

**ROBIN:**

Hello, Mommy!

**JEAN:**

Next...

GIVES THE KID A TOY
FROM BAG..AND SETS HER
DOWN..MRS. WALSH PUSHES
HER KID (THE BOPSTER)
FORWARD...HE DOES THE
HEP WALK....

Ho, ho, ho...ho....

-19-

KID WALKS UP TO JEAN

**BOP KID:**

Take it easy Santa..you'll blow a gasket....

**JEAN:**

Ho, ho..how are you little man?

**BOP KID:**

Real gone..gimme some skin fuzz-face!...

Where you from Dad?

EXTENDS HIS HAND FOR
JEAN TO SMACK IT...

**JEAN:**

Oh, I come from the North Pole.

**BOP KID:**

Cool man, real cool..You're real sharp
Jack, I dig that crazy red suit with the
drape shape...And those whiskers are
the very end..but the most.

**JEAN:**

And now, what do you want for Christmas?

**BOP KID:**

Well, Santa, last year you goofed. Man, I
asked for some Duke Ellington records..and
man, I got **Guy Lombardo**...man, how square
can you get?

**JEAN:**

Well, when I come down your chimney
tonight...

STANDS UP TO GIVE HIM
A GIFT....

KIDS LOOKS AT HER UP AND
DOWN...

-20-

KID LOOKS CLOSER AT
JEAN'S FACE..THEN TO
HIS MOTHER...

BOP KID:

Come off it Dadio, you ain't coming down
no chimney with that pot!

Hey, Mama, this Santa..is screwier than a
three dollar bill...Tell me straight man..
what's with all that Mabelline on your
peepers!

THE KID LEAVES AND
THE TOUGH ONE STEPS
UP ON THE PLATFORM...

JEAN: (HOLLOW LAUGH)

Next....

Ah, and what do you want for Christmas?

TOUGH KID:

I ain't talking see..

I ain't saying a word without my
mouthpiece...

JEAN:

Ho, ho, ho...and what would you like to
get for Christmas....besides a black eye...

TAKES OUT REAL GUN

TOUGH KID:

Alright Santa..up against the chair....

One more crack out of you and I'm going
to let you have it.

JEAN:

Ho, Ho...now, sonny, put away your
cap pistol...

HE FIRES THE GUN AND
SOMETHING BEHIND JEAN
BREAKS...

TOUGH KID:

All right you asked for it.

-21-

**JEAN:**

Gee, they're making those toy guns
realistic...

FIRES THE GUN AGAIN
AND SOMETHING ELSE
BREAKS....

**TOUGH KID:**

All right Santa Claus, it's curtains
for you...

**JEAN:**

Ah, it couldn't be.

COP COMES RUNNING IN..
GRABS GUN FROM KID'S
HAND....

**POLICEMAN:**

Timmy, I told you a million times
don't play with my gun.

**JEAN:**

Did I hear you say that was your
gun?

**POLICEMAN:**

That's right.

SHE KEELS OVER IN
A FAINT....

**JEAN:**

That's what I thought you said.

###

-22-

THE SCENE'S THE LIVING ROOM
ALAN IS READING ROBIN'S SHE
IS IN PAJAMAS... IN HIS LAP

ROBIN NODS AND HER HEAD FALLS
HEAVILY ON ALAN'S CHEST... HE
SMILES... SETS THE BOOK DOWN...
AND TIPTOES TO BEDROOM DOOR
WITH HER... JUST AT DOOR SHE
WAKENS AND SAYS...

HE CARRIES HER BACK TO CHAIR

SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND AGAIN
FALLS ASLEEP... HE LOOKS AND
WHISPERS...

WHEN SHE DOESN'T ANSWER HE
AGAIN CARRIES HER TO DOOR...
AT THIS POINT SHE AGAIN
WAKENS AND SAYS... BRIGHTLY...

**ALAN:**

(READS ACTUAL TEXT OF DICKENS
"CHRISTMAS CAROL" ABOUT TWENTY
SECONDS)

**ROBIN:** (BRIGHTLY)

Then what happened Daddy?

**ALAN:**

Well, (RESUMES READING FOR ANOTHER
TWENTY SECONDS...)

Robin, are you sleeping...

**ROBIN:**

No Daddy--I'm not sleeping...

**ALAN:**

Well, dear it's time you were...
you really should be fast asleep..

**ROBIN:**

Couldn't I stay up till 12 o'clock
--it's only a few more minutes... I'm
so anxious to see if Santa Claus
brings me everything I wanted.

-23-

**ALAN:**
I'm sure he will.

**ROBIN:**
I wanted a giant teddy-bear.

**ALAN:**
He'll bring you one.

**ROBIN:**
And I want a Keyword Game.

**ALAN:**
And he'll bring that too...

**ROBIN:**
And I want a DeLuxe two-wheel bike..

**ALAN:**
He'll bring...(TAKE) Come on Robin..
off to bed...

**ROBIN:**
Alright...goodnight Daddy...
Daddy...

**ALAN:**
Yes, Darling...

**ROBIN:**
Tell Santa Claus that even if I
don't get the bicycle I still love
him very much...

SHE STARTS FOR THE ROOM AND
THEN COMES BACK...

-24-

ALAN: (GRUFFLY)

Alright Robin...off to bed now...

SHE LEAVES..HE LOOKS AFTER AND
THEN TAKES OUT A HANKY AND
LOUDLY BLOWS HIS NOSE...

JEAN COMES IN FROM OUTSIDE
WEARING AN OVERCOAT..SNOW ON
COLLAR..SHE STAGE WHISPERS..
SHE HAS HER ARMS FULL OF GIFT
WRAPPED BOXES

JEAN:

Herbie...is she asleep yet?

ALAN:

Shh...she just went to bed...

JEAN:

Good -- the man is here with the tree

HE GOES TO THE DOOR..BECKONS
IN THE HALL...

MAN BRINGS THE TREE IN..SETS IT
DOWN...CARNEY GOES INTO HIS
POCKET..GIVES MAN A COIN...
MAN LOOKS AT HIS PALM..THEN JEAN
LOOKS AT IT TOO AND SAYS..

ALAN:

Bring it right in here pal...

Merry Christmas

JEAN:

How merry can you get on a dime?

ALAN:

Oh, I thought it was a quarter...

GOES BACK INTO HIS POCKET AND
GIVES THE MAN ANOTHER COIN..
THE MAN STARTS TO GO...ALAN
RESTRAINS HIM....

Wait a minute--give me the nickel
back.

-25-

SHE SHOWS THE MAN OUT...

HE PICKS UP HAMMER AND NAIL AND
GOES TO NAIL TREE BASE DOWN...

LOOKS AT HER AS HE DRIVES FIRST
NAIL IN AND BANGS HIS THUMB...

SHE HANDS HIM THE WIRE WITH THE
BULBS ON IT...DOES IT QUICKLY
THEN HANDS THE END TO JEAN...

**JEAN:**

Never mind...good night and thank
you very much.

**ALAN:**

Well, let's get started with...I
think I'll nail the tree to the floor
...where are all the tools?

**JEAN:**

The hammer and nails are over there..
and the band aids are in the bathroom.

**ALAN:**

Very funny...very funny...

Ouch!

**JEAN:**

Shhhh...you'll wake up Robin...
(TO AUDIENCE) He's so clumsy...
At our wedding...we were walking
down the aisle when his right foot
got tangled up with something--I
think it was his left foot...
(BACK TO HIM) Herbie, here's the
Christmas bulbs...now be careful
how you put them on..

**ALAN:**

Alright Jean...will you connect that?

-26-

SHE GOES TO CONNECT IT BUT THE
CORD IS A FOOT OR TWO SHORT

**JEAN:**
It doesn't reach.

HE GETS AN EXTENSION CORD...
PLUGS IT INTO THE WALL...

**ALAN:**
I'll fix that.

**JEAN:**
Are you sure that old extension cord
is alright...it looks a little worn..

HE GETS ON CHAIR TO FUSS WITH
TREE...

**ALAN:**
Of course it is...
Now plug it in Jean...

SHE PICKS UP THE EXTENSION CORD
THEN SHE PICKS UP THE CORD FROM
TREE...AND

**JEAN:**
Okay...

(SOUND: ELECTRIC BUZZ)

JEAN STARTS SHAKING AS THOUGH
ABSORBING A SHOCK FROM A SHORT
CIRCUIT..ALAN'S BACK IS TO HER..

**ALAN:**
Come on Jean..plug it in..I want to
see how the lights look...

HE TURNS AROUND AND SEES HER
SHAKING...

Jean..if you're cold I'll close the
window.

JEAN FINALLY SHAKES HERSELF LOOSE
FROM THE SHOCK...SHE STANDS AND
GLARES AT HIM...

**JEAN:**
Any further suggestions, Mr. Edison?

-27-

SHE STARTS TAPING THE WIRE...
HE TAKES THE WREATH AND A
HAMMER AND NAILS AND GOES TO
THE WINDOW..OPENS IT..STEPS ON
AND AS HE STANDS AND TRIES TO
JOCKEY FOR POSITION HE SLIPS AND
COMES DOWN HANGING FROM THE
WINDOW HOLDING ON WITH THE WINDOW
SILL UNDER HIS ARM-PITS....

WITHOUT LOOKING JEAN ANSWERS

SHE PULLS A CHAIR OVER AND
CONTINUES..TAPING THE WIRE..

HE HAS MEANWHILE STRUGGLED UP...
AND IS EXHAUSTED BY HIS EFFORT
AS HE SLUMPS AGAINST THE WALL..
JEAN TURNS AT LAST AND SEES HIM..

**ALAN:**

I'll tell you what you do, Jean...
tape this up (HANDS HER CORD)
And I'll hang the lighted Christmas
wreath outside the window.
I'll put it on the top window..

(IN ALARM) Jean...

**JEAN:**

Shhh...Herbie...you'll wake the baby

**ALAN:**

Jean--look!

**JEAN:**

Alright, so you hung up the wreath--
what do you want -- a medal?

**ALAN:**

Jean, don't just stand there.

**JEAN:**

You're right - I can do this sitting
down..
Gee, I can hardly wait to see Robin's
face..when she sees the tree..all
lit up..and her presents..what a
thrill...I tell you...

-28-

JEAN:

Herbie, don't just lounge around--
we still have a lot of work to do...
Alright, I put tape around that
frazzled wire--now what?

ALAN:

Connect it.

JEAN:

Oh, no, wise guy...I got enough
electricity in me last time to run
Boulder Dam for a year.

ALAN:

Oh, it's a perfectly good extension--
give it to me; there's nothing to be
afraid of...

Maybe we should let it go till
tomorrow...

JEAN:

Oh, go on...I taped the wire...

ALAN:

There...now what were you worried
about?

JEAN:

The lights didn't go on.

HE TAKES IT AND GOES TO WALL
PLUG...HESITATES..

HE TRIES AGAIN AND HESITATES..
PULLS IT AWAY

HE DOES IT VERY HESITANTLY AND
SIGHS WITH RELIEF WHEN HE ISN'T
SHOCKED.

LOOKS AT DARKENED TREE LITES

-29-

DURING THIS INTERVAL THE OLD
TREE IS REPLACED WITH A
BEAUTIFUL DECKED OUT ONE..ALSO
THE GIFTS HAVE BEEN PLACED ON
THE FLOOR...

CAMERA PICKS UP FAMILY
ADMIRING THE TREE..

JEAN:

Well, there that took less than
an hour...

ROBIN:

Is this what you call Xmas spirit?

JEAN:

Something like that, honey.

ROBIN:

Mommy...can we open our presents
now...

JEAN AND ALAN EXCHANGE SMILE..

JEAN:

Might as well let her...she'll never
get to sleep otherwise...

THEY ALL START OPENING PACKAGES..
ROBIN...OPENS ONE FIRST...

ROBIN:

Ooo...Mommy...Daddy...Just what I
wished for...A Keyword Game...

JEAN:

Here's another package for you...

HANDS HER A BOX

-31-

ROBIN UNWRAPS IT...IT'S A SWEATER

TOSSES THAT ASIDE..AND PICKS
UP BIG BOX

IT'S THE BIG BEAR...SHE GOES
OVER AND KISSES ALAN AND JEAN

THEY LOOK AT DOOR...ALAN GOES
TO DOOR

HE OPENS DOOR..AND A TINY GIRL
IN NIGHTGOWN SNEAKS IN PAST
HIM...

HE CLOSES DOOR AND TURNS AROUND..

JEAN COMES FORWARD AND PICKS
THE KID

**ROBIN:**

Oh, Mommy, it's beautiful.

Now this couldn't be...

(TEARS OPEN THE BOX) Oh, it is...

Mommy....Daddy...just what I wanted
so much...thanks so much...it's so
fluffy and beautiful...

(SMALL KNOCK ON DOOR)

**ALAN:**

Now who could that be at this hour..

I don't see anybody...

Oh, who are you?

**JEAN:**

That's Mrs. Johnson's niece...

Hello honey..

**BABY:**

Hello...

**JEAN:**

Honey, what are you doing up so late?

Where's your Aunt and Uncle?..

**BABY:**

They're working...and my baby-sitter
fell asleep...

-32-

SHE SEES THE TREE

**JEAN:** Well, you just stay with us...

**BABY:** Alright...Oh...Ah...Look at the Christmas Tree...

**ROBIN:** Mommy, you think I should give her one of my presents?

**JEAN:** It's up to you Robin.

**ROBIN:** I think I should.

TO THE LITTLE GIRL...

**JEAN:** Would you like a Christmas present too?

**BABY:** Oh, yes.

**JEAN:** Would you like a little doll?

**BABY:** (SHAKES HEAD) No.

**JEAN:** Do you want a nice toy typewriter?

-33-

SHE WALKS OVER TO ROBIN...
AND POINTS TO THE TEDDY BEAR
THERE IS A DEFINITE PAUSE AND
THEN ROBIN VERY SLOWLY HANDS THE
TEDDY BEAR TO THE KID WHO HUGS
IT HAPPILY...

ALAN GOES OFF STAGE TO WHERE THE
KITCHEN USUALLY IS....

KISSES HER...

ALAN WHEELS ON THE BIKE...

JEAN HOLDS THE LITTLE GIRL
WHILE ALAN STANDS WITH HIS ARM
AROUND ROBIN.....

## CURTAIN

### BABY:

(SHAKES HEAD) No.....

I want that.

### JEAN:

Honey...that was what you call

Christmas Spirit.

### ALAN:

Robin...look what Mommy and Daddy

bought for you.

### ROBIN:

Oh, Daddy...Mommy, how can I thank

you?

### JEAN:

You already have, dear.

### ALAN:

I've got an idea. Let's all sing.

### ALL:

(SING "SILENT NIGHT")

### JEAN:

Good night...Merry Christmas,

etc., etc.

-34-