-5-

WENT BEFORE THE JOINT SESSION OF CONGRESS AND PROMISED
US HEAVEN ON EARTH. THE MOST PARTISAN AMONG US WILL HAVE
TO ADMIT THAT HEAVEN WAS FALLING DOWN ON US FOR THE NEXT
TWENTY-FOUR HOURS.

AND IT IS CHARACTERISTIC OF THE FORESIGHT OF THIS
ADMINISTRATION TO HAVE ALL THOSE TRACTORS IN TOWN TO HELP
US MOVE AROUND.

I WOULD LIKE TO PAY TRIBUTE ALSO TO YET ANOTHER
SINGULAR CONTRIBUTION OF OUR PRESIDENT. AS YOU KNOW PRESIDENT
CARTER GAVE A FIRESIDE CHAT EARLY IN HIS ADMINISTRATION,
WEARING A SWEATER....MAKING HIM THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN
HISTORY WHO STARTED HIS TERM BY PULLING THE WOOL OVER HIS
OWN EYES.

SO I ENTER THIS CAMPAIGN WITH SOME RELUCTANCE. BUT I
FEEL I GAVE THE NEW ADMINISTRATION THEIR CHANCE. ABOUT A
YEAR AGO I OFFERED PRESIDENT CARTER THE BENEFIT OF MY
EXPERIENCE. BUT HE SENT BACK WORD THAT WHEN HE WENT DOWN
ON HIS KNEES TO PRAY HE PREFERRED TO DO SO ALONE.

-6-

I CONFESS THAT I ORIGINALLY HAD GREAT HOPES FOR THE ADMINISTRATION: HERE WE HAD AN UPRIGHT MAN OF HIGH MORAL PRINCIPLE, SOFT SPOKEN, OF SIMPLE ORIGINS, DEVOTED TO IMPROVING THE PUBLIC WELL-BEING, DETERMINED TO LICK THE PROBLEM OF INFLATION AND JOBS....BUT THEN ARTHUR BURNS WAS FIRED.

BILL MILLER IS A GOOD CHOICE HOWEVER. AT FIRST BARRY GOLDWATER THOUGHT HE MIGHT MAKE A COMEBACK, TOO, UNTIL THEY EXPLAINED TO HIM WHICH BILL MILLER.

MY FELLOW ALFALFANS, I WANT TO CONGRATULATE YOU ON THE PERSPICACITY OF A SELECTION SO CLEARLY IN THE CLASSIC AMERICAN MOLD.

I WAS BORN IN THE SOUTH GERMAN STATE OF BAVARIA, A REGION WHOSE NATIONAL HERO WAS KING LUDWIG THE MAD. HE WAS DONE IN BECAUSE HE BUILT TOO MANY CASTLES AND RAN OUT OF CASH. HE WOULD STILL BE KING HAD WORD REACHED HIM OF THE EXISTENCE OF THE CALHOUN NATIONAL BANK.

-7-

AS YOU KNOW ALL BAVARIANS HAVE BEEN TRAUMATIZED BY
THE PRUSSIAN MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA IN 1866. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, THE PRUSSIANS AT ONE POINT THOUGHT OF SETTING
FIRE TO MY NATIVE CITY BUT THEY NEVER GOT BEYOND THE
BREWERY AT THE EDGE OF TOWN.

STILL THE MARCH THROUGH BAVARIA LEFT SUCH A LASTING
IMPRESSION THAT WHEN I SAW GONE WITH THE WIND I WAS ASTONISHED
TO FIND CLARK GABLE AND VIVIAN LEIGH SPEAKING ENGLISH.

I WAS BORN IN A LOG CHALET WHERE I READ METTERNICH
AND OTHER GREAT AMERICANS BY THE LIGHT OF A KEROSENE LAMP.

I NEVER TOLD A LIE; I MAKE THIS POINT BECAUSE THE
ACCENT WHERE I COME FROM IS SO STRANGE THAT FRANKLY PEOPLE
DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW FOR SURE WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.

AT HARVARD I STUDIED ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND WHEN APPOINTED
TO HIGH OFFICE I FOLLOWED HIS FAMOUS WORDS: "YOU CAN FOOL
ALL OF THE PEOPLE SOME OF THE TIME"....FOR ALMOST EIGHT YEARS
IN FACT.

(LC)

-8-

I LOOK BACK WITH PRIDE ON MY SERVICE AS SECRETARY OF STATE. I WILL NEVER FORGET MY LAST DAY IN OFFICE WHEN I TURNED IN MY COWBOY HAT, MY MASK AND MY HORSE.

I THEN WENT TO THE AUDITORIUM OF THE STATE DEPARTMENT TO A RECEPTION FOR ALL THOSE WHO HAD ENJOYED WORKING FOR ME. I WAS SO MOVED THAT I WALKED UP TO THE MAN AND SHOOK HIS HAND.

AS I ENTER THE CAMPAIGN, I HAVE ALREADY PLACED CALLS TO RECRUIT MY FORMER STAFF. I HAVEN'T REACHED ALL OF THEM YET....SOME OF THE INSTITUTIONS DO NOT ALLOW PATIENTS TO TAKE PERSONAL CALLS.

AS A CANDIDATE MY FIRST IMPORTANT DUTY OF COURSE IS TO CHOOSE A RUNNING MATE.

THE CANDIDATE FOR SUCH OFFICE MUST MEET THE INTELLECTUAL STANDARDS OF JEFFERSON, THE WISDOM OF ADAMS, THE POLITICAL SAVVY OF JOHNSON, THE INTEGRITY OF TRUMAN AND BE PREPARED TO UNDERTAKE CRITICAL DIPLOMATIC ASSIGNMENTS. I HAVE

(L)

-9-

CAREFULLY CONSIDERED THESE QUALIFICATIONS AND AM PROUD
TO ANNOUNCE THAT I WILL BE VICE PRESIDENT TOO. THIS
WILL HAVE THE VIRTUE OF CUTTING DOWN ATTENDANCE AT NSC
MEETINGS, SINCE I WILL ALSO BE MY OWN SECRETARY OF
STATE AND DEFENSE.

MY CAMPAIGN WILL BE CONDUCTED WITH DIGNITY. THERE
IS TOO MUCH OF A TENDENCY TO TAKE POTSHOTS AT THE PRESIDENT,
TO ATTEMPT TO MAKE FUN OF HIM, TO EMBARRASS HIS ADMINISTRA-\TION. I WILL NOT DO THAT. I HAVE NO DESIRE TO COMPETE
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE STAFF....

I CONSIDER THE CAMPAIGN SO IMPORTANT THAT I WILL
EVEN INTERRUPT THE WRITING OF MY MEMOIRS. MY MEMOIRS WERE
TO BE CALLED STAR WARS. BUT THEN SOME MOVIE PRODUCER STOLE
THE TITLE.

I WILL TELL ALL LEAVING OUT NOTHING -- I HAVE EVEN
RESERVED A FOOTNOTE FOR ANY MISTAKES I MAY HAVE MADE. I HAVE
ALREADY WRITTEN 500 PAGES AND I AM NOT EVEN THROUGH MY
BACHELOR DAYS YET.