1/24/1981

ALFALFA CLUB DINNER

MR. PRESIDENT, MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. CHIEF JUSTICE:

THIS IS AN HISTORIC OCCASION. FOR 68 YEARS THE ALFALFA CLUB HAS PLEDGED ITSELF TO THE GOAL OF EXCELLENCE; IT HAS FINALLY BEEN ACHIEVED HERE TONIGHT BY ELECTING ME AS PRESIDENT.

UNFORTUNATELY AS AN ECONOMY MEASURE UNDER THE OTHER PRESIDENT'S NEW PROGRAM I AM PERMITTED ONLY A ONE-GUN SALUTE. I DECIDED TO DO WITHOUT IT, SINCE I DON'T TRUST THE AIM OF ALFALFANS AFTER THE COCKTAIL HOUR.

I BRIEFLY CONSIDERED CALLING FOR A MOMENT OF SILENCE TO MARK THE SOLEMNITY OF MY INAUGURATION. BUT I DECIDED THAT IF YOU WANT TO BE SOLEMN YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME.

I HAD A HARD TIME GETTING INSTALLED. JESSE HELMS PUT A HOLD ON MY NOMINATION. I APPEALED TO MY FRIEND BILL BUCKLEY BUT HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD HAD IT WITH ALL PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATIONS AFTER RONALD REAGAN REFUSED TO TAKE HIS OATH OF OFFICE WITH HIS LEFT HAND ON THE NATIONAL REVIEW.

I APPLAUD PRESIDENT REAGAN'S GRACIOUS GESTURE IN

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ORDERING AIR FORCE ONE TO DROP OFF JIMMY NEAR HIS HOME IN
GEORGIA. PERSONALLY, I THINK THE PLANE SHOULD HAVE BEEN
ALLOWED TO LAND FIRST. BUT WHO AM I TO QUESTION OUR NEW
COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF?

IT HAS BECOME THE TRADITION OF INAUGURALS TO SPEAK
WELL OF ONE'S PREDECESSORS. SO LET ME CONGRATULATE JOHN GLENN
ON COMPLETING 366 DAYS OF HIS ADMINISTRATION IN THE HIGHEST
ALFALFA TRADITION BY ACCOMPLISHING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING--MAKING
HIM THE FIRST PRESIDENT IN ALFALFA HISTORY WHO KEPT HIS OATH
OF OFFICE.

JOHN GLENN WAS A GREAT PRESIDENT, BUT LET THE WORD GO
FORTH--THE TORCH OF ALFALFA HAS NOW PASSED FROM A MAN OF SPACE
TO A MAN WHO IS OUT OF THIS WORLD.

MY FIRST ACT AS PRESIDENT WILL BE TO ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE
ORDER TO FREEZE THE ALFALFA STAFF TO NO MORE THAN 175
BARTENDERS. THIS WILL BE A TWENTY PERCENT REDUCTION BUT ALL
AMERICANS MUST SACRIFICE EVEN THOUGH ONE BARTENDER PER MEMBER

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WILL BE TRULY A HARDSHIP--ESPECIALLY FOR THE BARTENDER.

MY SECOND ACT WILL BE TO ABOLISH THE OFFICE OF VICE
PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB. AFTER ALL, THE MAIN FUNCTION
OF THE VICE PRESIDENT IS TO REPLACE ME, WHICH BY DEFINITION IS
IMPOSSIBLE. AND IT IS ALSO UNNECESSARY. FOR EVEN IF I
DEPART THIS WORLD YOU WOULDN'T NEED A REPLACEMENT. I WILL
ONLY BE GONE THREE DAYS.....

I EAGERLY ANTICIPATE JOINING OTHER GREAT PRESIDENTS
IN GRANITE, AS MY LIKENESS IS PRESERVED FOR POSTERITY.... I
THOUGHT IT WAS TO BE ON MT. RUSHMORE.... BUT MY TRANSITION
TEAM TOLD ME THAT ALFALFA TRADITION REQUIRES MT. SAINT HELENS.

IN BECOMING YOUR PRESIDENT I AM FULFILLING A DESTINY
FOREORDAINED 12 YEARS AGO WHEN I CAME TO WASHINGTON. ON THAT
DAY A STAR APPEARED IN THE EAST... IT WAS ALEXANDER HAIG WHO
HAD JUST BEEN PROMPTED TO BRIGADIER GENERAL AFTER SERVING
FOUR WEEKS AS A COLONEL... HE WAS FOLLOWED BY THREE WISE MEN
BEARING GIFTS IN BROWN PAPER BAGS... FORTUNATELY, I DID NOT

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ACCEPT THEIR GIFTS. THEY WEREN'T WISE MEN AT ALL, THEY WERE
FBI MEN, DRESSED AS ARABS.

AS FOR MY PROGRAM, I KNOW I HAVE TO EMULATE MY
DISTINGUISHED PREDECESSOR JOHN CONNALLY WHOSE TURN IN OFFICE
WAS MARKED BY SHYNESS, AND BARRY GOLDWATER WHOSE MOTTO WAS
"MODERATION IN PURSUIT OF LIBATION IS NO VIRTUE."

AS FOR ME, ASK NOT WHAT YOUR PRESIDENT CAN DO FOR YOU
BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR PRESIDENT.... PARTICULARLY THOSE
OF YOU WHO HAVE ACCESS TO PRIVATE JET AIRCRAFT OR HOMES IN
ACAPULCO.

IN RETURN I SHALL SERVE YOU FAITHFULLY. THE STATUS QUO
WILL BE MY GOAL, THOUGH I DOUBT WE CAN REACH IT.

I WILL CARRY INTO BATTLE THE ALFALFA BATTLE FLAG; IT
WILL BE AN EXACT REPLICA OF OLD GLORY.... WITHOUT THE RED AND BLUE.

LET THERE BE NO DOUBT ABOUT IT, MINE WILL BE AN IMPERIAL
PRESIDENCY. FOR THE LENGTH OF MY TERM IN OFFICE I SHALL WEAR
A CROWN. HOWEVER, THIS WILL COST YOU NOTHING. I HAVE SEVERAL
LEFT.

M

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CONSCIOUS OF THE HIGH RESPONSIBILITY ABOUT TO BE
CONFERRED ON ME I HAVE SOUGHT TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR WHAT IS AHEAD.

AS SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE READ IN THE NEWSPAPERS, I RECENTLY
MADE A QUIET, PRIVATE TRIP TO THE MIDDLE EAST (IF YOU DIDN'T
READ ABOUT IT I HAVE COPIES HERE FOR YOU). NOT WISHING TO BE
RECOGNIZED OR FUSSED OVER, I TRAVELED UNDER AN ASSUMED NAME
FOR I KNEW IF I WENT AS FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE HENRY ALFRED
KISSINGER, I WOULD RECEIVE THE PUBLIC ATTENTION IT IS MY
NATURE TO ABHOR. AND SO, I DROPPED THE MIDDLE INITIAL AND THE
TITLE. I WENT SIMPLY AS HIS EXCELLENCY DR. HENRY KISSINGER.

IT WAS MY HOPE THAT SO DISGUISED NO ONE WOULD FAWN OVER
ME BUT WE CANNOT EXPECT TOO MANY MIRACLES EVEN IN THE MIDDLE
EAST.

IN EGYPT, WE WENT TO VISIT THE SPHINX. I SAID TO MY
WIFE, "WHY DO YOU SUPPOSE THEY CONTINUE STARING AT US?" SHE
REPLIED, "MAYBE IT'S THE SUPERMAN SUIT. IT CLASHES WITH
YOUR BEENIE."

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AS ALL ALFALFA PRESIDENTS I HAVE THE CHALLENGE OF
ESTABLISHING A RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OTHER PRESIDENT.

I GOT OFF TO A SLOW START BY BEING LATE FOR HIS SWEARING-IN
CEREMONIES. DICK ALLEN SENT ME A TICKET, BUT THE GUARDS
CLAIMED INVITATIONS FOR CARTER-MONDALE EVENTS WERE NO
LONGER VALID. I PROTESTED THAT I AM _THE_ FORMER SECRETARY OF
STATE. BUT THE USHER SAID, "NO, ED MUSKIE IS A TALL THIN
MAN."

BUT SINCE THINGS HAVE PICKED UP. IN HIS CONFIRMATION
HEARINGS AL HAIG HAD TO PROMISE SENATOR HELMS THAT HE WOULD
NOT RELY ON MY ADVICE: I DON'T WANT TO BE A SPOILSPORT BUT
I CAN REVEAL NOW THAT THE SECRETARY OF STATE CALLED ME WITH
AN URGENT QUESTION ONLY A FEW HOURS AFTER TAKING OFFICE. I
TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS THE THIRD DOOR ON THE LEFT DOWN THE HALL.

A LITTLE LATER ED MEESE CALLED; HE HAS MY OLD OFFICE
IN THE WHITE HOUSE; HE TOO CALLED ME WITH AN URGENT QUESTION,
BUT WHEN I STARTED TO GIVE HIM DIRECTIONS HE SAID, NO, NO, NO,
THAT IS NOW JIM BAKER'S OFFICE.

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I AM FREQUENTLY ASKED MY OWN ROLE IN THIS ADMINISTRATION.

IT IS NOT TRUE THAT I AM TRYING TO INGRATIATE MYSELF; MY MOTTO HAS ALWAYS BEEN MILLIONS FOR DEFENSE BUT NOT A JELLY BEAN FOR TRIBUTE. BUT I DO GIVE BAGS OF JELLY BEANS TO ALL NEW PRESIDENTS.

I HAVE TOLD THE NEW PRESIDENT AND I WILL TELL YOU: I WILL ONLY SERVE IF THERE IS ANY PROBLEM WHICH CANNOT BE SOLVED WITHOUT MY ADVICE. THAT IS WHY I REPORTED FOR WORK AT 8 A.M. ON THE DAY AFTER INAUGURATION. UNFORTUNATELY THE WHITE HOUSE GUARD DETAINED ME. I PROTESTED THAT I WAS THE PRESIDENT OF THE ALFALFA CLUB. AND HE SAID, "YEAH AND I AM AL HAIG." AND HE WAS.

THERE WAS SOME COMMENT THAT JERRY FORD MISSED THE INAUGURATION. I CALLED HIM TO ASK WHY. HE EXPLAINED THAT HE HAD SHOWED UP PROMPTLY AT NOON, SAW NOBODY AND WENT TO MIAMI TO PLAY GOLF. HE HAD NEVER SEEN THE EAST SIDE OF THE CAPITOL SO DESERTED.

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SPEAKING OF THE NEW TEAM, PRESIDENT REAGAN TURNED TO
SECRETARY HAIG AT THE FIRST CABINET MEETING AND SAID, "YOU
CAN'T IMAGINE HOW NICE IT IS TO BE PRESIDENT," AND AL SAID
"OH, YES I CAN."

THE LAST TIME I SPOKE HERE I COMPLAINED THAT WHEN
GEORGE BUSH RECEIVED YOUR NOMINATION FOR THE PRESIDENCY HE
NEVER MENTIONED ME. I WANT TO TAKE THIS OCCASION TO SHOW THAT
I AM NOT A MAN TO BEAR GRUDGES.

THERE IS NO TRAINING GROUND FOR THE VICE PRESIDENCY.
THERE IS NO COLLEGE CURRICULUM ON THE SUBJECT. BUT, GEORGE
BUSH IS DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. HE'S GOING TO
TEACH A COURSE IN VOODOO ECONOMICS AT GEORGETOWN.

GEORGE AND BILL CASEY HAVE ALREADY HAD A DISPUTE; CASEY
WAS REALLY MIFFED AT THE FIRST NSC MEETING. THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "LET'S START WITH A CIA BRIEFING" AND GEORGE SPOKE FOR
FIVE MINUTES BEFORE HE COULD BE STOPPED.

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