#63

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

June 12 1917

Saturday night

In bed ...

Sick -

I can't read — can't sleep — can't keep still

— cold when I'm not covered for a little while —

hot when I am.

It's nearly ten —

— I've done so many things today.

There is one class of 68 that has almost crowded me out of the room —

— Maybe

I'll let them stay in and I'll go out in the hall —

— Yesterday it seemed every-

body and everything riled me — today was almost as bad —— such stupidity

— yet both days many things have been fine.

Last night I was ready to quit—

let someone with less sky-flying notions than mine try it awhile — but there

is the sister — — — so I can't — — — Anyway there is so much Irish in me

that I guess I rather enjoy the fight —— enjoy getting what I want in my own

way in spite of anybody though my first impulse is to just sink things in the

ocean — out of sight and hearing rather than even argue about them —

Think and do my own way and give the other fellow the same privilege — only

I want him to leave me alone.

Another bum teacher in Little Cooper's place in the Training School and there is
no excuse for it. Not prepared to do the work. I've taken the 1st and 2nd and
9th grades and have four classes in the Normal — I'd rather do it than have her
make a mess of them all —

Worthwhile?

Yes it is — — — — interests me enough so that I don't much

care if I am sick.

#64

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex.

June 12 1917

(second letter of
this date)

Monday night --- I'm feeling better I guess ---

I got up to have my bed made this
morning --- wrote you while I was up --- answered the phone a couple of times ---
then ---
- well --- I was just tired --- content to lie perfectly still till about
one.

I forgot to say there was a letter from Strand this morning --- It was
great --- just like him and just like his work.

I just love him --- there doesn't
seem to be any other way to say it --- I'm so glad he's living --- not like folks
usually speak of loving.

I wrote him at noon --- after the sister brought me something to eat ---

I didn't want to eat but it seemed the thing to do.

She was so scared last night because I was so pale it was funny.

All afternoon I've been quiet again --- slept some. Not even wanting to
read. Guess I'll be all right tomorrow ---

I wonder how you are ---
---
--- I wish I knew
right now.

Quiet.

My head doesn't ache anymore --- I don't
feel sick --- don't hurt at all ---
just don't want to move or do anything.

I sent Strand the letters I wrote him at different times when I wanted
to. Maybe I shouldn't have. He will probably like them — and they will hurt
in proportion. I don't know what is in them — only I guess it's me.

I seem to hurt everyone that likes me

(part omitted)

I wanted very much to paint — didn't — getting ready is so
much work — It's beastly to have to take care of yourself like this —
Anyway — maybe I don't mind waiting — I'll do it tomorrow.

I wanted to send you the red one I told you about before you left 291 —
It doesn't look red to me anymore — I will if I can get anyone to pack it
— Just a notion that I wanted to send it to 291 — It doesn't mean anything
to me anymore — looks very stupid — — — — —

#67

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

June 15 1942

Another night ---
another busy day --

And tonight -
- why I just don't know ____?

I don't know.

The event of the day was a nice boy --- 17 --- just out of highschool ---
a little town down the road ---
yellow hair --- clean looking --- older
looking ---
-plays violin --- wants to be an artist --- Guess he came to
look me over to see if he wants to take Art from me ---
- Does sign painting because
- why it happened along.

We talked about half an hour at noon --- he went to class with me --- he
talked same as other folks in the class --- same as if he belonged there ---
Came home with me after school, sat on the porch for almost two hours talking.

The things I said make me laugh now. I showed him the water colors I'm send-
ing you --- he understands how I happen to do them because he does the
same thing in music ---
Talking to him was lots of fun --- I could hardly be-
lieve he was there --- wanted to rub my eyes --- was I dreaming.

He said he didn't know whether he liked or disliked the water colors ---
it was so new he didn't know what he thought.

It was lots of fun -
maybe I was dreaming. Nice big healthy sane-looking
fellow --- He was going home and report --- He thought they would
let him come back --- because he wanted to ---
It didn't matter much whether they gave him the money or not --- he could
make it himself --- confidence, could make it and do what he wanted to at
school too --- that was the least of his troubles.

He wasn't sure what they would say however --- if they didn't mind too much he was coming back ---

Really he was great ---
- Mr. Cousins brought him up and introduced him to me --- knows his people maybe --- I don't know. Anyway --- he was nice --- I wonder if he will come back. It will be interesting ...?

He thinks he can do something.

Why, I liked him

only --- why start him

???

Still --- somehow --- I don't know why --- he looks like a great chance.

Someone phoned me --- while I was in the house he was watching some ants on the ground ---

When I came out he was stooping over watching them --- straight-
ened up and asked, "What are they in the world for?" --- told me some things about them I didn't know.

How did he ever happen I wonder? Others came along as soon as he was gone
--- he slipped from my mind till I wondered what the day had been when I sat
down to talk to you.

My biggest feeling tonight is

--- I don't know.

It's a question and a fact.

Isn't it queer that I feel so dead --- absolutely devoid of life --- almost
dumb these days when I get away from school --- that school seems so keen --- the
rest so dead, glad to get home and be alone ---

#68

Postmarked Canyon Tex

June 17 1917

The box came yesterday - and I love myself and the other things made me
jump The Cezanne mountain particularly and the Negro sculpture
The feeling of power in the mountains is one of the greatest surprises I ever had
I didn't look at them in N.Y., you know when you gave them to me

I believe I like my hands better than my face, though both seem different
every time I look at them I'm glad there is the outside of my right hand
after the two of the inside of it.

I believe I like the one with my neck and hands best — the hands
against me —

It makes me laugh that I like myself so much Like myself as you make
me — Maybe it's you and me that I like — I like myself better than any-
thing of yours I've seen unless it's the tracks in winter — That always stays
in my mind.

It's Saturday night.

I painted from supper till dark —
The way I'm painting makes me think I may
be crazy. It's just sort of rambling around with color — such a curious half-
indifferent sort of a way of going at it — always wanting to —
but only feeling about it.

— I can't exactly explain.

The thing I worked on today — dry paper — then wet looks like a poor
imitation of Marin — I certainly had no such intention — it looks like my
left hand too —
— no — I guess like both of them, the inside and the outside.

Of course I can't tell much by the electric light — it's just a senseless
absurd blob — and I like it — still have to laugh at the half-awake humor
I was in when I made it.

I'm tired tonight — so tired that my head almost aches

— Yesterday afternoon I met Ted on the street by accident — Said he had been looking everywhere for me all the week and never could find me — where had I been — wanted to hear me laugh — When he had been funny till we got to my house he said —

— Yes — and here I've been wanting so much to talk to you — now I've had a chance I never said a thing I've wanted all this time to say — I've just been talking nonsense — still it seemed I just couldn't think of anything else . . . and he turned around — with his back almost to me — and said — Tell me anyway — do you still like me — I said — Yes Ted, I think you are great — And we both laughed — — — — and he said it was all right then.

And we turned and went on.

Funny — it tickles me in such a peculiar way — — — — — and it feels so right — — — We are both so funny.

I'm tired —

— must stop —

Goodnight —

(remainder omitted)

#69

Postmarked Canyon Tex

June 18 1917

It's one o'clock and I can't sleep I just had to get up and turn on the
light The door was open the wind blowing a little a windmill out there
in the dark going around at a great rate the watch ticking so loud I lay
on my face thought something was bumping regularly in the wind
turned over raised up listened for a long time It must have
been my own heart

innumerable little noises till I just thought I'd have to
scream if I stayed in the dark any longer I had watched the stars out the win-
dows for a long time till they just didn't seem to exist anymore
I was cold
pulled up two thicknesses of blanket got hot put down one then
the other then even the sheet

I remembered lots of things that had happened at 291 other places too
while I was there things I hadn't thought of before
You saying
that I had impressed Mr. Liebman made me laugh so The idea of me impress-
ing anyone is so funny Strand I thought a lot about I don't know
why

(part omitted)

I thought a long time about my ninth grade at school what I'm going to
do with them Thursday they are mostly boys and my little folks they
did such funny things today

Then I wondered if Mr. Cousins will find out that I am teaching them if
he will make me stop in case he does find out

The girl he pays to teach them
told me she didn't have anything to teach them I had some things I wanted to
try so I thought I better try it now

School is very funny — I don't see how I could send a little one that I loved like I think I would love it to school. I wonder how people — so many people — can do it —

I've been sitting here thinking a long time —
Out the window looks so
black when the light is on.

I wish I could go to sleep — not be afraid — I know there is nothing to be afraid of but I'm afraid anyway.

Guess I'll read.

You know Strand gave me that ponderous-looking Life of Nietzsche to read —
DeWald sent me more Nietzsche —

Zarathustra is there too —

I might just as well
go after some of it right now as sit here and just wonder how I'm going to get
sleepy and when.

Goodnight.

One of my little ninth graders is named DeWald — He told me he was Irish —
it makes me laugh. His grandfather died at sea on the way over here from Ireland
— of course it's possible that he was coming here from Ireland . . . . . .

Goodnight.

I've already read Arthur's New Republic through tonight — It makes me feel almost too educated — too well-informed.

Now for the German

Goodnight

again.

(part omitted)

As I leaned over to pick my book up from the floor — I looked up — there
is the moon — it's really lovely — 2 o'clock now — The windmill still
going — I don't mind it — I like to know it's out there.

Now it seems there are two. Maybe it's

best at first — Then held the smiling one beside it a long time — He
liked the smiling one because he likes me to laugh — likes me to have a good
time, as he puts it —

— Finally liked the smile best — I almost gave it to him —

We are still a bit riled up. When the water is still and I can see more clearly what is in the bottom of it I will know better whether I want him to have it or not.

I'm not sure of what I mean to him — he isn't either —

Showing them to him was lots of fun —

Queer the way I want so much to mean something worthwhile to him —

He, a piece of the outdoors, gets my honesty at a queer angle.

He is all right— and I am all right — but the
rest of the world is in the way between us.

What do you suppose I was born for —

I just seem to hurt all the people I like and all the people that like me.

(part omitted)

You are not going to stay in the city all summer — are you? You know
they will all go to you if you are there — You really want them to — don't you.

Goodnight —

(1)

(8)

Post-marked Canyon, June 22, 1917.

You referred to the water colors as A.B. and C. Then forgot to
mark them.

No -- I've never made Ted -- I wonder why --

Some folks make me see shapes that I have to make other folks don't --
I was trying to tell self why

It seems with him -- there is some thing so fine -- so beautiful --
just a very slender streak of it -- sometimes wider sometimes very thin --
almost to breaking -- so delicate.

And it terrifies me when I feel that I may unwittingly break it.
I don't know any lines fine enough to make it --

The third series you sent a tracing of -- is the thing that reminded
me of Marquee when I had finished.

I don't know why unless it seemed to look somewhat like some of his
things --

I didn't intend it -- I didn't intend anything.

I guess that third series is just me -- shapes I had in my mind
from things that were happening -- and just felt -- It seems that I was
just playing with color that I felt -- I can't tell it any other way --
I had Strand all painted in N.Y. but didn't have any paint -- or time --
Telling you that now reminds me of some other things I painted in N.Y.

Yes -- I felt that the red one was better -- but it got to look very
flat to me -- I have that painted again too -- in my mind

A fool brain I have --

Today I've been down making drawings of the girls in the swimming
pool -- It was lots of fun -- They are great. Results not much --
you see I haven't drawn for a long time like that -- I've been painting
on the Sister.

(1 contin'd.)

- 2 -

The girl I sent you was Lea - It was sunset as we were going
up to Amarillo when Austin was here -- I've painted it from memory about
three months after the time I saw it because I kept remembering --

I always intended to make the cheek go round better but didn't
That isn't the one of her that I told you about.

You told me what you did Sunday I didn't tell you what I did
Got the mail -- Prints -- little ones from Strand -- wrote him --
rode with Mr. Rewes a while.

I wrote Strand a queer letter again -- Doing things like that
makes me want to kick the foundation out from under the house.

Still I have to do them. After dinner -- I was tired didn't
want to sleep -- but you know I'm such a good for nothing human that I have
to waste a lot of time taking care of myself whether I want to or not --
so after dinner -- much against my wishes - I stripped -- and slept
or dozed all afternoon -- When it was almost six and I decided
I could get up -- I rolled over and stretched -- and while I stretched
just happened to look down my own length -- The long dark
skinned body -- smooth looking -- and I almost laughed aloud at myself
for having been stretched there -- a whole afternoon -- just
sleeping -- nothing on -- Wasn't it funny.

Good Night

-- I must sleep.

Should turn this way

Blue one like my hands are on should turn this way.

I did not tell you about these before -- I don't know -- it didn't
seem to matter -- I didn't remember when talking about it which were wrong
besides the one I told you about.

#72

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

June 26 1917

Monday night ____

In bed again — The wind soft — just right feeling —
blowing in the windows — seeming to hit me all around —
— The moon was low
when I came in — low over the lights of the town — there are only a
few lights in the town and I hear that same windmill —
— I'm tired.

Your letter this morning ... Queer that again you are saying almost the same thing in a way that I said in the letter I mailed you this morning before I read yours that came ... Jimmie Blain has whooping cough — one of my first graders — This morning he worried his mother till she phoned me to come and see him. — After that I just rummaged around my room trying to get things in order .

*I like the photograph of the Gaugin woman holding her hair today — It's hanging up I like it so much —
I like the Negro sculpture today too.

I embroidered some coarse stuff with string — It's great — it goes so fast — it was just fun.

And I painted.

The sunset I saw last night — Anything to get the feeling of the sky-line —

No, I didn't get it.

And when it was dark the faculty reception to the students
— I almost died — shaking hands and standing there trying to pass names on to
old fatty Latin — Throat hurts —

Last night I couldn't sleep — and waked at daylight —

(part omitted)

My sister took a notion yesterday at supper that she would like to teach school — to see what it's like — and she wants to right away.

She is doing practice teaching now and is tremendously interested ... It makes me laugh...

She seems to be improving wonderfully lately — No people around that she likes — More of me and more work than before — It's funny to watch —

(9)

6-30-17

Post-marked Canyon, Tex., June 30th, 1917.

(2)

Friday night -- nearly 12 --

I just came in from the night
very little breeze -- moonlight on the bigness --

Last night I wanted to write -- Claudie and I lay out
on the plains watching the sunset go -- the stars come --

I was very much aggrevated with some folks and things -- I had
to get out where the world was big and empty -- She was in
a very good humor -- I was very tired too --

Came home and went to bed without writing -- because I
thought I ought to go to bed.

Today a book man who had pestered me yesterday came and pestered
me again -- When he came in my office I was just showing the music lady
what Fisher had written about me -- All year she has been feeling around
to find out what I am driving at -- No -- it dates from the talk
I gave Mr. Faculty. She was reading it -- told him what she
was reading -- that started him -- He sat
there on the desk talking for nearly two hours.

It was fun to me -- in a way because I so seldom talk to
any one out here about my work -- I did most of the talking --
He said no one had ever made it so clear to him -- Art Stuff --
What I aimed to teach and what I was trying to do myself -- I told him some
things about his own stuff -- He remarked that the folks out here were not
going at it like I am -- Then said: "What are you doing out here any way
-- you don't belong here -- There is nothing here".

I laughed and told him that was why I liked it. It was funny --
I don't often talk much but when I do I almost blow up.

I went down to the swimming pool again -- painted this time --
It's great -- Haven't made anything much yet but maybe I will -- don't know.

(2 contin'd.)

- 2 -

After supper George Ritchie -- nephew of one of the English faculty was going to take me out to see the sunset -------- we changed our minds and went in to play some new records -- He is just a youngster -------- a queer one too -------- only here for the summer 17 -------- Then we decided we would go up to the Normal and swim -------- after that we got Claudie and rode a long time --------

A woman kicked me in the jaw -------- She was big and I was helping her out of the pool -------- and she seemed to get strong and almost kicked my head off -------- right under my chin -------- Lucky it didn't make me bite my tongue -- -------- My whole neck is sore and stiff ------ can hardly swallow ---------- it makes me laugh -------- I didn't tell her how bad it hurt -------- she couldn't help it and it would make her feel bad --- It seems to hurt more all the time --- still it is so funny ---------- She is so big ----- very good to look at.

Out in the night we passed some wheat fields ---------- burned
yellow ---------- very big ones ---- almost as far as you can see at times
---------- In the moonlight they were light ---------- about the same value
as the sky. A little dark streak of the other land way off ----- Some way
it seemed startlingly like water even though it was light.

It's a wonderful night.

Between Claudie and George and my own queer self --- I guess the conversation was a bit queer - three queer folks.

## Camera Work

Thank you

Fisher was nice to me wasn't he

It makes you believe more in your self to feel that you have been
able to get over something of what you wanted to someone else --------
Not only that though -------- it's that it means something to them.

I don't know what I would have done if 291 hadn't come along as
it did when it did but I don't see how I could possibly have had the nerve to

(2 contin'd.)

- 5 -

do what I want to when I want to ____________ like I want to ____________ if
291 hadn't come along --

I never got much encouragement - any in fact -- to work things out
naturally ______ as they come to me.

291 ______ you -- believing in me ____________ that making me believe
in myself ______ has made it possible to be myself. And feeling that you
believe ____________ The other folks don't matter. I don't care the
snap of my finger for any of them.

So again tonight --- I don't know if It's woman or little girl ---
I am mostly both --- I want to put my arms round you --- kiss you ---
let you kiss me --- It's all very quiet --- what I want is very quiet ---
it's great to trust anyone enough to let them kiss you --- Tomorrow is the
last day of the little gallery. There is still a little room though.

Tonight you seem to be something very wonderful to me __________
it's peace --- warmth --- life ---

How can I say it ____________ what

Goodnight.

--- I'll not try to say things I can't
You must just understand.

Near you.

Which gives me a tremendous wonder ____________ more wonder than
fear --- I simply wonder ____________ am I afraid when the idea of fear
comes to me

It is queer that I am out here isn't it.

Again Goodnight.

#74

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

July 2 1917

Sunday evening --- Five after eight ---

Sun just going down ---

:

;

am on the East --- cannot see it.

Don't want to

No particular reason

Just don't.

Yesterday morning I waked up early --- thought of you and 291 ---
The last day of it --- I thought to get up and write you but instead --- looked
out the window --- Shut the glare of the sun out --- then went on thinking
about you.

I don't know what I think I thought --- so maybe I didn't think at
all --- Maybe you were just in my mind -

Anyway I know there was something
about you --- and that it was with me more or less all day

I wondered at different
times what you were doing --- who was there ---
often ---

- I could see him --- motionless --- not moving --- You I
couldn't see without effort --- but the consciousness of you was of liveness
- movement

I went to bed early --- before ten. Had had a long talk with Ted and
it was queer

I am queer

He is queer

was so funny but I liked it.

I'd like to tell you about them all — two made submarines — one had a gorgeous orange sailboat above the dirty grey little submarine. He lives across the side street — shoots me everytime I go by — always war —

The youngsters get more of war than the older folks.

One youngster explained a few days ago that bright-colored spots all mixed up — sort of like a sunset — was War Clouds in Europe.

My neck is recovering — doesn't hurt much to swallow anymore — my headache is gone too — It's dark. The windmill — I had intended to sleep out on the plains tonight but its too windy —

Goodnight —

(remainder omitted)

Part of Letter #32.

Postmarked Canyon, Tex., July 9, 1917.

You mistake my reference to Maria

I had no idea of making

Maria

I meant that when I had finished painting the thing I had found it very easy to imagine some one saying I was trying to paint like him

You see?

Of course I wasn't trying to.

My future as a worker?

Why I haven't any

I wanted to paint both yesterday and today. Haven't been able to make connection with materials and time -- at the same time -- My foot makes it clumsy.

I can't see anything ahead for myself -- can't see anything of any kind -- I do not look -- I do not care -- I have been trying lately to imagine how my work will go in school next year -- and I can't see it at all. -- I can't see anything.

I don't seem to have much ambition as an Artist --

What ambition could I have but to satisfy the desire or need of expression more fully -- Money from it -- from anything means little or nothing to me except that it gets me the things I want --

I don't look ahead -- don't ever plan to save any -- I don't want many things When I do I look around for a way to get what I want and I usually get it -- I don't think I can keep on teaching here for long -- restless -- nobody to talk to -- I feel almost like bursting now -- I do fit this machine I'd just have to kick a lot of it all to pieces - to nothing. Some day I'll simply pick up and leave rather than kick -- leave probably without knowing where I'm going -- I don't know

Good night - Friday night.

7-14-17

Postmarked Canyon Tex

July 14 1917

Night again —

Friday night

I don't know

but I wonder so

Is it that I am a very queer woman that I write you the things I do?
Sometimes after they are gone I wonder so at myself.

I can't imagine the folks around
me doing anything like it —

- I wonder if they feel the things I do.

Strand sent me a copy of his article today :

: I don't know

I don't know anything — —

It's a wonderful night — —

I've been so tired this week — I'd like to go out into the night
and not come back and the sunlight not come again — I'd like to cry — sob and
sob — no tears — there are no tears in me —

(remainder omitted)

(15)

(7)

Post-marked Canyon, July 24, 1917.

Monday night.

Your letter this morning I liked --- thank you.
I've been to the Canyon --- afternoon and till nearly ten ---
Wonderful out there.

but --- God --- I was lonesome

This morning I intended to send you some stuff. I got it to-
gether last night. Stuff I simply can't stand around any more
--- Don't ever want to see again --- I've looked at it for the
last time unless you show it to me again sometime --- And I've
changed my mind about the stuff --- unless you don't want to change
yours --- I care so little for it now that I don't care what you
do with it --- or who you show it to.

It makes absolutely no difference to me --- I feel that I
would have to burn it if I didn't send it to you. Even tearing
it up wouldn't be enough.

Just thinking of it makes me feel savage.

Wish I had gotten it off today --- I may not have time
again till next weekend --- unless I get Ted to fix it --- or
Claudie.

Good Night.

(19)

12.

Post-marked Trinidad, Colo., Aug. 16, 1917.

Wednesday

I'm out here in New Mexico !
going somewhere - I'm not
positive where ------- -----
but it's great

Not like any-
thing I ever saw before -----I
want to stop every where

The Indians and their black
hair very bright colors -------
dark skins and eyes -- the
square little adobe houses
are great I'am crazy to live
in one ------- It has rained
lots this afternoon ----------still
gives the feeling of a land of
sunshine
I wonder why ----

I want to stay
I've wanted to stop most every
station
The first glimpse of the
Rockies ---

Gosh --- There
must have been a time out here

(21)

Post-marked Ward, Colo.

8-7-17 (4)

It's Monday afternoon but it seems like Sunday -- I've been looking at the first newspaper "The Denver Post" -- that I've seen in over a week. Lentz was down in Denver for a couple of days and brought it with him when he came up yesterday -- He has been here since about noon.

------- Rain and fog out ------- it's about five now ------- Claudie and another woman have gone down to inspect the house he is intending to live in. We have been sitting by the kitchen fire planning a camp at Long Lake ------ a really wonderful camp if it doesn't turn out to be just a bubble -- he is really a nice old top -- Wants us to go up to Estes Park with him tomorrow -- or day after -- I don't know -- I'll see -- We want to see if the scenery is any finer than Long Lake -- The camp at Long Lake is to be marvelous -- He says he has always dreamed of a place like he thinks he can make up there-- It's lots of fun.

I am glad it has rained today - it has been so nice indoors -- it rains a little most every afternoon -- but this is the first all day rain.

I must tell you --- I have a new job --- and it's more fun than anything yet --- When I went up to fix the hotel flowers Saturday I found the cook gone and no one to wait on table - The woman who runs it and a couple of boys had cooked dinner so Claudie and four girls staying there and I got trays and started to work. It was great --- I never did have so much fun --- I didn't know before how perfectly ridiculous people are over their food --- and how hard it is to remember who wants what.

Yesterday I couldn't wait on table -- couldn't even eat anything, but I went up to see the noon crowd because they are so funny and I straightened out the tables and got things ready to begin.

(21 cont'd.)

- 2 -

8-3-17

Had a long talk with my Artist friend too -- Jones is his name -- he thinks I am hopeless and I know he is. He has invented an easel that he wants to give me a commission on if I will help to put it in the Texas schools - Isn't that funny -- almost insulting if you take things that way because I told first him that I didn't think it practical -- it makes me laugh -- I don't think the state of Texas would be wise in accepting it as a gift if he offered to supply all the schools in the state free of charge.

I didn't do much of anything yesterday but make a drawing of the church side of the town from my doorstep and sleep all afternoon after I came down from the hotel -- everyone else went fishing -- and I slept all night too -- Claudie came down after supper with Lentz from the hotel but I was in bed so he didn't come in --

I haven't anything to do or to read -- don't want to paint today -- haven't sense enough to -- it's fun to sit here with your feet on the stove and just -- nothing. -- I wish you were here -- I can hear the little stream at the foot of the hill our house is on the side of -- it's fifty feet or more below -- and the fire in the stove --

This place seems out of the world -- lots of the girls wear trousers -- overalls or riding breeches -- I would if I had any but I'd have to go back to Denver to get them and it's too much trouble -- it would mean a two days trip -- Next time I'd come with boots and trousers -- all woolen clothes.

This seems so out of the world I would like to have all the folks I like here. I believe they would have a great time -- I don't want to go home -- I want one of those funny little houses on the side of the hill and I want to stay. Maybe I'll have the house and come back.

There is a man I see around here sometimes -- looks like

(21 cont'd.)

- 3 -

8-3-17

--- I haven't met him --- I just see him once in a while.

Two weeks from today I'll be back at Canyon beginning work again - Wonder if I'll want to when the time comes — now I don't seem to think I will.

I haven't had a piece of mail since I left Canyon except your three letters --- it is hung up somewhere in the forwarding and I rather like it --- your three all came in one day --- I told them not to forward papers --- that I just wanted letters --- and it makes me laugh that I don't get any. A day hardly ever passes that I don't hear something from somebody when I'm home.

Hazel Small who lives next door teaches Botany at Vassar -- sells gasoline at the garage and guides parties in the mountains and washes and cooks and does all kinds of things in summer - Her home has always been here -- You find all sorts of folks here, under all sorts of cover --

The woman - Mrs. Nettleton who just went down to the house with Claudie and Lantz is in charge of the facial and scalp treatments at one of the big Ceth establishments at Hot Springs, Arkansas. She is great fun.

I seem to be in a curious frame of mind.

---it's queer here --- and I like it ---

The tops of the trees are reaching up into mist and it's getting dark. I've just been sitting here looking into space out the window for ever so long -

Good night.

Colo. 1917.

I have just sent you a postal -- simply because it
is a picture of the place we went to yesterday ---
Sunday
we came up to Ward on an excursion and we liked it so much
that we stayed --

and Monday a mining engineer that we met
coming up on the train and an old miner --- 72 -- only more
like 32 -- so active and lively -- took us up past Red Lake -
Brainard Lake -- to Long Lake -- just below Audubon Mountain
top --

----------could have gone to the top but the engineer - Mr.Lentz -
and I both had the remains of terrible headaches from the day
before ---

It reminded me of the day we went to Coney Island --
----------great folks to be with --- they were looking over
the ground and the timber -

-------- opening mines up there ----
There were snow drifts
and it was cold ----
Claudie fished with a friend of the old
miner's - Kneal is his name ---- while I walked round the lake
with them looking at the timber ---- tall straight balsam and
spruce and pine --- narrow and so very sharp at the top ---

It was wonderful --- so bare and lonesome --
looking over the lake at the snow spotted bare mountains ---
The ground underfoot covered with brilliant flowers - brilliant
red -- deepest blue - light blue - lavender - purple
yellow ------------ every color it seemed -----
-------- Yellow green grass- dusky at the edge of the lake -
and the tall dark pines -- friendly ----- loving you
blue green on the edges -------- deepest black in the center
-- warm brown of the needles between. The flowers at times -
many big bare rocks -- a few bare -- blue grey and white look-

- 2 -

ing dead trees.

--- Mr. Lentz is 56 and old --- but nice to be with---

We really had a wonderful time--

I wished you were here --

but isn't it queer - I some way feel

that I couldn't go up into that quiet lonesome place - of bare
snow spotted mountain tops --- warm brilliant flowers and tall
narrow pines --- about three feet in diameter often --- The
cold keen air and warm sheltered spots --- with you alone ---
isn't it queer

The lake like ice at our feet --- all the water
here's so cold you can hardly drink it --

I wonder what you are doing ---

I am sitting on top of a hill they call it
here -- but it feels like a mountain -- under an
enormous crooked pine -- some spotted mountains - so terribly
bare -- blue -- blue -- blue ones piled and
piled -- a near bare green one that I want to run my hand
over -- just patches of pointed timber on the sides of it
bunches of brilliant red flowers in almost every direction --
yellow and blue and purple too but I only seem to be aware of
the red ones --

--- aspen trees --- little ones --- I love their little
round --- always moving leaves ---

Comfortable when the sun shines -- my sweater
buttoned high round my neck -- That little blue green one you
saw -- Cold when a cloud comes along.

--- Being alone here is good ---

I am trying to be

quiet for one day -- have been going just as hard as I could for
a week.

It's queer to be quiet and alone -- the wind
in the pines is great -- smells so good

Alone -- and I like it -- but
Yes the wind is nice - it comes in puffs.

I wonder if the mail will bring me a letter.

(86)

Post-marked Ward, Colo., Aug. 26th, 1917.

(3

The Kitchen table again.

A mountain I painted today sitting up beside one ---
I just slaved on it and you would certainly yell if you could see
it. Claudie is hanging the pans on different nails to see where
she likes them best - and is quite grieved that the dish pan won't
hang about six inches higher --- she has an awful cold - She is
disgusted with my mountain - says the wall hung with pans is far
more interesting - the colors in the mountain stupid -
--- and the other things --- They are very queer colors ---
I wanted them that way but I can't make the colors hitch --- she
grunted at them and said: "Well, if I hadn't seen some of the
others I might think them wonderful - - - maybe if you keep trying
you will get some thing --- what on earth is the matter with the
colors" - - Then laughed - I guess I must be crazy.

There is an artist here from Denver - 50 or so I imagine
- funny academic stuff - The engineer has laughed so much at our
arguments that he wants to have a public debate in the town hall -
He was down today while I was away - wanted to see what I was
doing - Claudie wouldn't show him - - She said she wanted to-
was afraid to deprive me of the pleasure - because she knew he
would think them awful and I'd enjoy it so much - However, he
thought he would leave town this afternoon - I'm terribly
grieved. He was so funny - I wanted to hear him talk about my
things.

I must tell you what the price of half a pint of cream
is - 15 cents - and the promise to fix all the hotel bouquets
tomorrow for dinner - - There are ten - This is the funniest
place I ever saw - Lots of people come in at dinner time from
Boulder on the train and Estes Park in cars and all we folks who
stay here think it our duty in life to dash around and help take
care of them - - it is perfectly killing - The cook's name is

(26 cont'd.)

O'Keeffe — he has rare opinions too —

I saw a wonderful sunset tonight - high up so I could see
the whole range — so many greens — blues — purples — off to
palest pink and yellow — and my hands — I wanted so much to
touch some one — and there I stood - all alone in the road on
the side of the mountain — the very wide dark valley in front
of me — just little aspen trees near me. They grow up where the
pines are cut —

You ought to see the savage looking beast who is going to
take Claudie and me fishing Sunday — to a lake nine miles away —
up in the mountains — he hasn't had a shave for two or three or
four weeks — wears green stockings — The right half of his right
hand is gone — but he is a great fisher — mends shoes when he
wants to be agreeable — today it was an automobile — when I
remarked on it today he said he could do most anything when he wanted
to be agreeable. I could write you a book on Ward but think I'll
go to bed — Good night.

(25)

Post-marked Loveland, Colo., Sept. 5, 1917.

I don't know the date but I guess it's Tuesday
----------the first Tuesday in September

We have been walking since early Sunday
morning ----------have to wait here a little
for the train ---and I have the next few days
planned so full that I don't see where I can
write again ----------

Last Friday Claudie and I
went to Estes Park from Ward in an auto - it
was so much fun ----------so pretty all the way up
that Saturday morning it occurred to me that
it would be fun to do it again ---walking --
taking our time -----so Sunday we started

I wish first ---that I had time to tell
you of all the funny folks in Ward -------It
is just a scrubby little mining town -----the
Estes Park Stage connects there with
the end of the railroad

but it's really a
remarkable place ------- I'd rather go right
back there today than to Denver but we want
to make a couple of trips out of Denver the
next two days ------------------then spend a day
at Santa Fe on the way home if we don't take
a notion to do something else.

There was a dance in Ward again
Saturday night ---and that was
remarkable too

I went with the Engineer -

(25 contd.)

Claudie like to talk to him -------- --- and he
is so queer I was interested in finding out what he
was like ----- He is every where and any where
and nothing -----

I wrote you on a card that your telegram
came as I was talking to the man at the station
who receives them ----- He excused himself for
a moment to receive the message -----and as
he wrote the name down he said -----"it's
for you " ----------I had stopped on the way
out of town to send an express package -
It was nice to hear from you .

Several letters
came to me from Denver ------

However I'll
call for them tonight if I get in on time or else in the
morning

We came down Big Thompson Canyon
yesterday and today------------

Started this
morning by moonlight --------before daylight ---

----------Walk and walk of rock ----------

tremendous ! The little stream tearing along
below them ----- the road -----too narrow for cars
to pass except at special places -------- hugging
the edge of the stream --------the rock rising
right up beside it --------sky growing lighter
above ------

then pink on the top on one side -
After that ----------sunshine ----- irrigated

(25 cont'd.)

valleys ___________cherry orchards ____ sugar
beets ___________far away blue mountains ____
___________very hazy ____ a few patches of snow
_______

It has been _______

From the Park yesterday till
about ten miles out of Loveland this morning ____
it seemed to be <u>down hill</u> ____ between the rocks
beside the little stream all the way __________
sometimes many pine trees      Mostly bareness
though

I haven't worked much ____ too many
things to do      or else I was tired .

Such a little time I couldn't
work and see things too --

I wonder if you
received the bunch of stuff I left with a
girl to send you

I feel as far away from it
now as I feel from Canyon ____ New York
-----------------Longs Peak ----------------
Every Thing ------

I seem to be years and years
and miles and miles away from every body and
every thing ______________

If I could walk for a month I might really
forget everything

Hard exercise ----------why
I've breathed so hard my ribs are sore -----isn't

(25 cont'd.)

that queer ---------- Claudie seems to be all in
all over ---------- the Baron ---------- we named
him that at the Hotel in Ward ---------- was stiff
in the legs ---------- rheumatism he said ---
---------- Exercise makes me feel great ----------
and

why
I forget folks and
things I guess

Ted among others ---------- it makes
me laugh

It's as though I've washed the slate clean

----------
I must stop ---- must write Lentz --- he
wants to know that we are safe and I promised
some information about hotels and scenery.
He is certainly a nice old man ---

Maybe I
shouldn't put it that way -----
but he is
certainly great --- I phoned him yesterday as promised

Going to be in Ward all winter ----
with his mines and miners ---------- and there
won't be much else ----------

Those are not my finger marks. I
didn't notice them till now -
One of his mines is full of water too. Lots of

(25 cont'd.)

work --------and not much else. He will build
a log house for me up on his lake if I'll go back
next summer -------------but of course I don't
know what I'll want to do by next summer
-----------------Nothing but lake and tall pointed
pines and white spotted mountains ---

Sitting down in the house makes me
sleepy
I must write him before train time
too because
I probably never will if I don't now.

I wish you were here ------------------
talking would be so much fun ------------

When you feel soaked and soaked with all
sorts of things it's pretty hard to get
any of it onto paper --

9-27-17

Monday Night --

I wonder if you think I am feeble-minded
= I think maybe I am
considering the things I do and think and write you.

This morning I read "When We Dead Awaken".

this afternoon the moving-picture man and his wife asked me to go with them to the town down nearest where Ted is 35 miles from here It was a wonderful day but I couldn't go-I read some junk and went to sleep.

When I waked up I looked at the work I did in Colorado It is awful amuses me

Watkins down again wanted me to go up to Amarillo with him
--- I wouldn't ---

He looks as if he might bite — queer — I'm afraid —
I don't know — I seem to be afraid of lots of things.

I like all those folks — and a
lot more —
- but — .
• oh — I don't know

Nothing seems right — it's all twisted. I don't seem to have any desire to leave
it all —

- the next place would be just as bad

...I must be the misfit — I seem to put the other folks out of gear — and seeing them out upsets me — makes me a bit uncomfortable

— but I don't care. I'm not caring about anything —

I'm mostly wondering —

I guess it's just not liking any one person a lot — I like a lot of folks
a little—
= "impressionable"
you said some time ago.

Maybe so. ...

Alfred Steeflih
291 Fifth Ave.
New York

(17)

10-5-17 (5)

Post-marked Canyon, Texas, Oct. 5, 1917.

I'm not going home to dinner. Haven't had time to take a good breath all morning --- I should only have taught one hour but I taught three --- Little Coper can't do anything no it isn't that it's that she wont put her mind on it --- I would enjoy scalping her --- She would be so much happier if she would just wade into something instead of swooning.

(a putty faced individual gone to war)

So I spent two hours in first second and third grades. I like it --- really had a great time.

But I want to stay in a room by myself for a while ---
Most of all I don't want to eat dinner with the folks I'd have to
eat with. Little Coper is at the table and I feel as though I'd
like to just stamp on her toes.

It's so easy to make work with youngsters - just plain drudgery
--- and so interesting --- so maddeningly interesting if you are
really interested --- it's really great

So I don't want to eat.

I have to laugh at this office --- It's so bare that it's
funny.

I've really been working like a fool --- and another job ahead ---
The fourth and fifth grades are going to make a Mexican --- or Indian
town of *adobe* houses --- and I said I'd help ---
I must be crazy. But those Mexican and Indian villages in Mexico
are great --- The *adobe* is the only house I have seen that
seems to fit this landscape out here --- It seems to belong ---
All the other houses seem out of place.

I said I worked ten hours a week - but I am giving myself the
pleasure of nearer ten a day than ten a week.

Yesterday when I was hunting for some particular pictures I
wanted I came across lots of blank paper --- Some you sent - and

(17 cont'd.)

- 2 -

some other - And you know ---- it just looked so good I liked
to feel it ---- bare --- Then thought --- Goodness --
----- what am I doing so many things I don't have to do for ---
I believe I'd like to paint ---------- Then I slammed it down and
went on hurriedly. Greeting.

(I can't spell)

Right this minute I don't feel as if I have time for anything.
Your letter this morning.

I different? Why -- no -- I guess not --- I don't know
--- what does it matter anyway

Last night -- so stupid ---- I rode with old Latin across the
street ---- just a little ---- into the sunset. The sunset looked
like a postal card and he is fat and I had my head so full of other
things I wanted to do that it was very stupid.

Later when the moon was coming up I walked with a funny old girl
I like ---- She teaches 2 & 3rd grades and is alive.

If I were to make that red landscape over -- do it again ----
you wouldn't be able to stand it in the room --- I don't know why
but you wouldn't -------- that is if I could do what I want to with
it -

Greetings

I feel as if my head might crack in a minute --
No it doesn't.

Your letter -----

I wonder if I would like New York now.

I am sorry about the cold.

When I think of 291 it seems as though I'll never have the nerve to
go there again --- I don't know why unless it is that I feel that
the folks that go there know too much about me --

Thursday noon.

#78

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Oct 8 1917

Claudie just went out -

Sunday night -

We walked with another teacher
I must tell you without even getting up -

what she just said

"What's the matter with you -

You're <u>stupid</u>

Everything you do lately is stupid

Your work — your laugh — your expression — the things you say —

— I've

been watching you a long time and you are getting worse all the time — you're
not a stupid person — really — but lately — — — — — — —

And she went over it all again —

It gave me a great laugh.

I told her I knew it — I was taking a vacation because when
I was stupid I could sleep — — and eat peanut brittle —

Sleep 7 to 9 hours —

and I thought I probably needed it.

— She said — "Maybe so — but for goodness' sake I wish you would hurry
up and get through your vacation — — — —"

: :
It amused me so that she had noticed. She didn't

get a school to suit her — so is here in school yet:

: :
Funny — she said she thought

maybe I'd like her to tell me how stupid I seemed — asked "And you don't want
to work (paint, she meant) at all, do you? — No wonder"

West Texas State Normal College

CANYON, TEXAS

BACK THE BOYS IN THE TRENCHES
BUY A LIBERTY LOAN BOND

INQUIRE AT ANY BANK OR POST OFFICE.

#79

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Oct 14 1917

The usual state of blankness

Only ______ maybe a little more blank
I sat down here ______ to write ______ but who to
Well ______ you ______ of course
But what to write
I really have nothing to write
I'm growing feeble-minded ______ Certainly

Yesterday and day before I spent in Amarillo ______ it seemed I forgot
that I belong down here ____ that I'm teaching school down here -- it's such
an absurd thing to try to do ____
-- Acquaintances ______ many ______ but ____

Horses ____ a lot of Percheron stallions ____ tremendous beasts ____
And cattle
____ even finer than last year ____ only beef cattle you know.

I didn't get over to the other horses ____ someone or something always
stopped me ____ Shaw was down ____ It's all very amusing ____
again tomorrow ____ I don't know ____
Maybe I'll go

I seem to be detached from myself -- -- -- -- So many different wheels
whirling in my head -------- no they aren't whirling -- they are stupidly grinding --
-- I came down late last night -- overland --
The trains are so dirty I hate
to ride in them -- and it's always so much more fun riding right out in the night
in the air.

Goodnight (remainder omitted)

10-18-17

BOARD OF REGENTS

A. C. GOETH, PRESIDENT, AUSTIN
WALTER J. CRAWFORD, BEAUMONT

ROBERT J. ECKHARDT, TAYLOR
MARTIN C. FLOWER, LOCKHART

J. S. KENDALL, DALLAS

A. B. MARTIN, PLAINVIEW

The West Texas State
Normal College

Canyon, Texas

TRAINING SCHOOL CRITIC TEACHERS

CLEVELAND BAKER HERMAN A. GLASS

ELSIE GUENTHER ANNIE MCDONALD
RUTH STAFFORD

R. B. COUSINS, PRESIDENT

L. G. ALLEN
MARTHA BELL

W. H. BLAINE

MARY MORGAN BROWN

LEE CLARK

J. L. DUFLOT

M. M. DU-ARIZ

HENRY W. GELLER

F. P. GUENTHER

B. M. HARRISON

ANNA I. HIBBETS

J. A. HILL

MARY E. HUDSPETH

M. B. JOHNSON

JESSIE M. KLINE

WINNIE D. LOWRANCE

TENNESSEE MALONE

R. L. MARQUIS

H. W. MORELOCK

GEORGIA O'KEEFE

JESSIE E. RAMBO

J. W. REID

JENNIE C. RITCHIE

B. F. EISK

D. A. SHIRLEY

B. A. STAFFORD

H. W. STILWELL

L. HAMAH SMITH

R. A. TERRILL

TRAVIS SHAW, SEC'y.

PAULINE WRIGHT

GEORGIE PROTHRO,
SEC'y. TO PRES.

BOARD OF REGENTS

Canyon, Texas

R. B. COUSINS, PRESIDENT

L. G. ALLEN TENNESSEE MALONE
MARTHA BELL R. L. MARQUIS
W. H. BLAINE H. W. MORELOCK
MARY MORGAN BROWN GEORGIA O'KEEFE
LEE CLARK JESSIE E. RAMBO
J. L. DUFLOT J. W. REID
M. M. DUANE JENNIE C. RITCHIE
HENRY W. GELLER B. F. EISK
F. P. GUENTHER D. A. SHIRLEY
B. M. HARRISON B. A. STAFFORD
ANNA I. HIBBETS H. W. STILWELL
J. A. HILL L. HAMAH SMITH
MARY E. HUDSPETH R. A. TERRILL
M. B. JOHNSON TRAVIS SHAW, SEC'y.
JESSIE M. KLINE PAULINE WRIGHT
WINNIE D. LOWRANCE GEORGIE PROTHRO,
SEC'y. TO PRES.

To a lifeless, bloodless part of life to lie
No one can think of but he remains to bear
Any thing but white blood — no red at
all

Then there is Claudie

To long as he is responsible
for him I am only half human

I wonder what he does when he is gone
Walking in silence and comes other folks
out of them — I don't know

What he means, I guess I don't know
Letter for the same reason this morning

10-18-19

#81

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Oct 18 1917

The 42 pages this morning was astounding to say the least — I never had such a long letter — I liked it — yet I hated it

Time has been very full — I was surprised at no letters — Yesterday it occurred to me that maybe you were ill — still I did not write — My darned head so stupid and so full.

You will understand —

Ted was up Saturday night — A dance — he came in late with an older brother and a girl he always trotted around here from habit, I think — she was from near his home — a really nice — lovable sort of girl — but as he put it — "There is something in you that she hasn't got — she just hasn't got it — nobody else has."

He brought the brother over — we danced and talked cattle — he dances just like Ted only not so much of that damnable self-assurance — Ted told me about him — long ago — a girl — spoiled things for him — I liked him —

The dance was lots of fun — Mr. Blain was there — I don't know exactly why — but it was more fun than usual — It was great to see Ted — his face very red — outdoors all the time — 75 miles to get here — — — — Faces turn a wonderful color from sun and wind here — His eyes so shining — not exactly happy — war — everything a turmoil — grabbed my hand right tight — dancing —

— I don't know anything — do you?

I believe he is trying to like Ruby because he can't see me within reach — It seems I never saw such a live — seething piece of humanity — making such an effort to manage it all.

He was here all day Sunday and didn't even phone me.

I'm sitting on the porch — it's a warm sunny afternoon — cowboys went by with a bunch of horses a little while ago — A bunch of cows and calves going by now —

(remainder omitted)

if they enjoy it — I see no reason why I should object —

: One reason why they didn't

want my small sister to be with me is because I do not go to church—

and the amusing

thing is that the ones who object — never go themselves

: she isn't an idiot —

: very funny

: what makes me so furious is talk about S I N. Why talk about it — if it is
so awful :

: No — I'm not going to write you a sermon —

but something ought to be

done to some of the folks who are talking to young folks on Sunday —

: To return to your letter —

— I remember stopping to look at Marie one day — the first time I really saw her face — the expression startled me like an unexpected noise — It's a fine face — I wanted very much to know her — know all about her — She was alone — I asked for you — you were not in — as soon as I had taken a few steps from her — I thought — how stupid — you could have talked to her and you didn't — Maybe I didn't realize till I had turned from her that I wanted to talk to her.

I don't know — I remember I was too late —

:

10-23-17

10-23-17

You ought not have those drawings framed — you have enough stuff
around there to take care of and I haven't any place to keep them —
They take
up so much more room framed —

but — do as you please —
of course — if

you want to — it's the thing to do I suppose — It doesn't matter to
me but I'm afraid they will be in your way —

If they are in the way — let me
know — I don't know what I'd do with them — I might send them to my
blond lady to keep for me but —

I: goodness — what am I keeping them for —

I don't know.

Funny —

I've been sitting here trying to think what to do with them:

: I don't

want them — and I don't want them burned or torn —

— I wish they could blow around
in the wind all the time and never settle to the ground anywhere.

Let me give you — now — the one you asked for — I didn't want
to give it to you — all for your own — when you asked for it — don't know
— why — just didn't — couldn't

: but afterward I gave it to you and intended to
tell you several times but always forgot —

It was before I left Virginia that I
gave it to you and of course — I don't remember why:

: so — if you still want
it —

:I want to give it to you — if you will still take it/

Why I am so very funny —

I wonder

10-23-17

No — I'm not funny —

but that doesn't matter.

I've been in the canyon all afternoon

I didn't climb

I sat on the top all alone

— the first time alone

I didn't want to climb — so wore high-heeled slippers — knowing it would keep me from it. — — — that was the only way to keep me from it — and I had to laugh at myself sitting there in those shoes:

— and I had to laugh too — thinking how feeble-minded I must be to have to hobble myself before I left home to make myself behave.

It was a wonderful warm quiet day:

— The color

I would like it better if I had never seen things people have painted from places like it. The very far away side of it —— lavender and pink and red and blue

— made dirty in places by millions of little scrubby cedars — never more than ten or twelve feet high — but sometimes having trunks two feet thick — gnarled and twisted — sometimes half uprooted — scrubby little old things but still alive and bravely green — when all the grass around that we think of as being younger is dead and brown —

Shadows very blue — I almost cooked — half-asleep in the sun — but the shadows of the little scrubby trees were cold —

— I guess I liked being really hot, I'm usually cold after the middle of August till the next July —

Anyway

I had a

#84

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Oct 29 1917

All week I've carried a letter to you in my pocket --- and haven't mailed it --- I don't know why I haven't mailed it --- or why I'm not going to send it with this except that I seem to feel that it's just nothing --- that there is nothing in it ---

The week has gone very fast --- and mostly I've been in a turmoil of thinking and feeling ---

I wish there were another country to go to --- I'd like to leave this one for a country where there isn't war --- or else I'd like to go to Europe and see what it's really like ---

Still --- it makes me sick --- nauseates me just to talk about blood --- and internals --- I wonder what it would be like to see folks mutilated --- only parts of folks --- wonder if I'd get used to it --- I'd like to try ---

--- you know --- I feel as if I can't stand it here much longer ---

I don't know where I'll go or what I'll do --- but ---

it feels like it's coming --- just that I can't stand it to look at these folks and hear them talk and see how they are thinking.

I guess it's the same everywhere --- if I were a man I'd get up and go to war so fast you couldn't see me ---

--- Everything just seems awful around me.

I seem to hate everyone ---

Claudie is the same.

It isn't exactly hate --- it's more impatience with everybody and everything ---

And living seems to be changed ---

It's as though the sky will never be clear again.

It's a cold weird moonlight night --- a tearing north wind --- sand blowing and dried little green locust leaves on the almost bare trees seem to string out

#85

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Oct 30 1917

It's almost six — Quiet — after a clear, snappy cold windy day — sunny —
not dusty — Sometimes when the wind blows the dust doesn't.

All seems very quiet out now — some buildings in shadow — others
bright with the low sun — a pale white moon — full, I guess — in the
medium indifferent space between the lavender and blue parts of the sky —
The plains long streaks of lavender.

I wish I could talk to you.

There was a little snow this morning —

You can see night come here — the shadows creeping over the plains — taking
the warmness little by little.

There was a letter from Strand this morning. I'd give
most anything to talk to you folks — his letter was really great —

Like a little

piece of something alive —.

It's so quiet — I just wanted to tell you about it —

The clock — town clock

- strikes six.

10-31-17

14.

Post-marked Canyon ...

Good Morning ------------------------------------------Monday morning

I want to write you and I have nothing in
particular to say but I want to write anyway -----I
just won't let myself wake up and so have to laugh at myself
----------------It's great to see yourself asleep.

My bed isn't made --------
Things are strewn all
over my room but I want to write first --------

I just came from breakfast and the post office
----------your yellow letter paper ----------

the Negro Art and a page
from Strand

There is something great about him ------------but
some where --------he seems to be getting too old too soon ----

What is it I want to say ------
to fixed in some of
his ideas too soon

That makes me laugh--------------

Mr. Cousins told me the other day that my
ideas were still in a liquid state ----------

I think that
was the way he put it

And you know I'm so feeble minded I don't
imagine they will ever be in any other condition --------and I
don't care --------

it seems hilariously funny to me -----

I didn't tell him so though.

He asked me to talk in chapel next week ----------on account
of some other work interfering I put it off till the week after
--------------------And even then What

am I going
to talk about -----

I never talked to so many folks ------

10-31-17

------about five hundred I think ------

We are short about

a hundred war and bad crops

However

That doesn't matter

What I say can't be any more stupid than what
some other folks have said

the thing is

When you get a whack at them what
is worth while

It seems that so many things said to
them are not worth while

And how do I know

what is worth while

It's funny

I don't want to waste my chance still
I'm not sure that I know how not to

It scares me and it makes me
laugh

I'm glad painting is worth while to
you glad mine is something to you

To me it is a necessity at times
know all that though

You

A good many of these folks have never
seen a painting though

you know I would like

them to see Hartley's

I don't know why

Hartley's the different kinds of Hartley's
seem so real that lonesome little
house that Daniels has then all the changes
since

I wonder could they see then how a
man's painting is the expression of himself --his life

Oh -- I'm wondering

I didn't intend to write that last page
----------it just happened ----------

It's a sunny windy dusty day -------- a little
cool----------the wind warm -

So bad about your cold

Yesterday I saw a man very sick
at least I suppose a person is rather ill when
he is bleeding at both nose and mouth

He made me very sick --------
I
asked him if I could do anything for him
--------he was standing alone -----
He said --------------only give him a piece of
paper and smiled --------------ghastly pale
green

It made me so sick ----------way to the
ends of my fingers

Gosh

I played with the baby a long time -------- out
in the side yard -------- a swing --- zenias and sweet
peas between us and the road

a couple of hours
She doesn't look well -------
delicate and dainty ---

seemingly too pale lately ---- two ---- teeth are
bothering for one thing ------

It bothers me to see her
so pale --------------it's such a little life ------mother and
father both very big and husky ----------She won't

10-31-17

talk either --

but she is so nice ---

Mr. Lentz the engineer I told you of
up at Ward ----------dropped dead in the railroad
station at Boulder last week

He was ---
I don't know how to say it
"fine" may express it
but it seems such an
ordinary word for him ----------he was most
extraordinary

So fine and so quiet ------ so
comfortable to be with that it was an event

He asked me two or three times what I
thought came after living ---
I did not know

Queer
but a nice way to die I think
--------Never in bed ----------no fuss about it ---
I believe he would consider himself lucky ---He
hated bothering folks ----
a grown family - he 54
from Philadelphia ------had been out here when
young ----------.

I went
to Amarillo one day this week
Mr. and Mrs. Ferrel ------
The country is really
wonderful ------ and all so flat and empty ---
--------a yellow look --------quite brilliant over it all
--------I just want it all I like it so much.
Another day I went to the canyon ------supper
on the edge of the plains ------the long drop
right off the edge ----- the tremendous

stretch between us and the other side
--------Four or six miles at least I should
imagine ------------wonderful colors ----
all colors --------The shadows forming --
------one place where we could see it
winking on it must have been much more
than six miles -------
so far away that the color
went in with the sky almost -------

We had supper on the edge
------ between the sun set and the moon
rise ----------
Three of the faculty and Claudie
and myself

It was the most wonderful view I have
seen of it -------
I engineered the party ------went
Through POSTED land -----------off the road
right into space --------not knowing where we
were going except that I knew it was toward
the canyon and I knew it must be deep
and wide --------
They were afraid ------I wasn't I
knew the man wouldn't arrest a bunch of old maid
school teachers -------

Saw hundreds of cattle coming
up the paths -- smooth paths in the bottom
----------You can't see them till they are almost
under you because you can't see the real bottom of
it all ------------
The long line of them wound
up crooked paths the other side of a little gulch
and finally came out --- looking like narrow black
lace on the edge of the plains against the

10-31-17

Committee meetings took up other time

I don't know

I just look around and wonder

A little girl

yes

probably more

Than ever

Not even knowing what to ask

It's like walking around in a dream with your
eyes open

a queer stupefied sort of existence

all -- ??? --I don't know

In the wind my black & close hat brim is like
a flickering shadow between me and the gold
of the plains that stretches seemingly to never
and the grey blue of the sunny windy fall sky

The only other thing that seems to impress
me is glaring white house ends or fronts --
against the sky or plains --

glaring white --

ugly slopes at the top -- ugly windows --

Most of the houses here are ugly --the
ugly windows make dark holes in the white
fronts

Gosh

They are white

The sun relentless in its whiteness

The wind is careless ... uncertain

I like the wind ... it seems more like
me than anything else ...

I like the way it blows things
around ... roughly ... even meanly

Then the next minute seems to love
everything ... some days is amazingly
quiet ...

I wish you were here ... or I were
there or something

I don't know what

I want to go to Alaska