Thursday, November 30, 1939 Cloudy, warm.

Today, which New England celebrated as Thanksgiving in spite of Roosevelt's declaration of the 23rd as the holiday, Mother and I spent alone. I didn't get up until nearly one, much later than I intended to sleep. Mother had spent the morning cleaning house. Mother had written or wired Aunt Mildred for money with which to meet my note at Yale. A. M. wired that she couldn't accommodate as she needed the money for the purchase of the house she's buying. I don't blame her a bit. The only wonder is that Mother can borrow money anywhere any more. As she herself says, she has always been able to borrow too easily. Mother is going down and see what she can do at school and I suppose she will work things out somehow. I hope so for I can do great things if I stay here at school and get a thoro training in my field before tearing into the repertory theatre and further playwriting. We had a very good Thanksgiving dinner for two. After dinner Mother sent me out go get her some tobacco and gave me the garbage colander to dump on the way. I got down the street a way and discovered that I was still absent-mindedly carrying the garbage. I'm certainly glad it was dark, tho such a thing could hardly have happened in daylight. Mother and I had a grand time laughing over it. She and I discussed Miss Welch's criticism of my performance and Mother said my gestures and walk had become weaker and less definite than they were at West Chester. Of course she didn't see the play and saw only the pictures but evidently she feels that about my private life. I noticed when I went out to the store that I walked very firmly and definitely and suddenly realized why I do in my crepe sole shoes and not in the leather soled ones. The crepe absorbs the shock of contact with the concrete and so I don't subconsciously ease my left leg against the blow. I have known for sometime that I had a much better walk when wearing my crepe shoes but never before figured out just why. I haven't been wearing them the last week because brown shoes didn't seem to me to go very well with green or blue pants and a gray coat. If I had worn the brown shoes in the play as I did in the early rehearsals and perhaps if I had even given myself the psychological security of the cast, I should have played with more strength. There is more to it than that, a fault of the acting, but that is to a large extent responsible too, I'm sure. Mother says she sometimes wonders whether my broken leg is going to affect my walk permanently. I assured her that it won't when I get the muscles equalized and get rid of all insecurity and pain. Mother said my gestures are seldom strong or masculine enuf anyway, that they are weak. I know that I am inclined to be indefinite about them or to pull their strength. I must have a session with myself soon, studying how to strengthen gestures and how to make hands contribute to my acting in some real way. I can play a whole scene with a hand, turning the rest of my body away, but when I am acting vocally and facially, I often forget to get full value from my hands. The pictures, by showing how often I clenched my fists at my side in the play, reveal my need for greater variety of hand gestures. Ed cut out many of my hand gestures which would have helped, such as hands to head, etc. He made the mistake of playing down the melodramatic scenes and the only way to play melodrama is to the hilt, hoping to put it over or don't do it at all. The lines and story of the play were melodramatic and I think Dobkin and I could have put it over if the rains had been slackened. I see Snapp's viewpoint but think he was wrong on those scenes. I certainly am glad that people reported Connie's criticism to me for it certainly set me thinking and studying. I helped with the dishes, did my diary and then worked on Beauty and the Beasts. It went long so well that I thought of staying up until I finished it, but decided there wasn't much point in that. Got several good laugh lines in and changed my outline to the extent of eliminating two episodes which would have made the script unduly long. Russia invaded Finland and for the first time since the start of the war I felt a warlike impulse to do something about it. Pacifism finally reigned

Friday, December 1, 1939 Fair

If ever a day in my life should be recorded in red letters this day should. But
somehow the facts are blatant enuf without the red to make them more so. After years of
talking, longing, and pretending to be the worst homosexual roué in forty states, I have
at last had my first homosexual affair. The ironical part of it all is that I was terribly
embarrassed and that it was not I who did the seducing. After lunch I threw out a general
request for someone to walk down to the library with me and received a counter invitation
to walk home with D. Eric walked along to see if there was any mail at the house for him, he
having lived there at first. When we got up in D's room, D soon flopped onto his cot and I