#38

Postmarked Canyon, Tex

Mar 7 1917

Tuesday night

It's 12 -- and I have the saint-like feeling that I only get when
I've written a lot of letters that have been hanging over me for a long time
Seven of them.

I feel as if I'd like to take them to bed with me -- I'm so pleased with
myself for having written them -- that I like them.

And I'm tired.

It has been a very windy day.

Goodnight.

#39

Postmarked Canyon, Tex.

Mar 11 1917

How — are — you — tonight —

I feel as if the Devil
has me by the ears and is about to pull them off — if he would only let
loose and just sit down and talk to me for a little while I think I'd probably
enjoy him.

I wouldn't even mind romping and rollicking around with him a bit like I've
just been doing with the youngsters downstairs—

— but for goodness' sake —

why won't he let loose of my ears.

There's a little boy five — and a little girl —
a little over a year I guess — I've forgotten — she can walk but she can't
talk — pink and white — blue eyes — yellow hair — straight hair —
so dainty and little —

I just have to pick her up every time I see her —
simply have to — She isn't fat — she is just lovely — too nice to be
real —

too nice to grow up.

I've been playing with them for over an hour.

It's Saturday night by the way — and last Saturday seems only yester-
day — the week has gone so fast.

Several times I wanted to write you — different things — things
that were nothing —

I hate spring —

I finished Wright's book on Nietzsche —

The sister is tennis-mad — a bit vacant in the upper story — Just plain crazy with living — I guess we are both a bit cracked.

Goodnight.

Nietzsche would say everyone I know in Canyon is sick — Or I think he would — except one girl — — — She twisted and turned her still life study into a blue soda water glass with green straws in it — and fixed up a bottle —— labeled poison —— yellow on red — — — — And had the queerest looking animal —— sort of a spider only it had a grinning face —— climbing up the glass — — — I just wanted to yell — — — She had a wonderful time doing it ——

The class was somewhat horrified that I had such a good time out of it —
— She's strong as an ox — would knock anybody down for half a cent if
they didn't please her —— just to get them out of the way so she could go
on ——

Then again — she has the sweetest little feminine smile — She came
since Christmas — just came to me this quarter —— a little head — little
eyes — but such snap ——

(remainder omitted)

3-14-17

It's so nice to be through. I wonder what tomorrow will bring — Some-
thing different, it seems — — the old thread feels cut — — — — — — — but I always
grab up a new one —

Last night when I couldn't sleep — and again today — the thing
about you that comes most strongly to me is — — — —

wondering — — — — —

Why your letters?

I'm not
asking — but a long wondering

Your mentioning Slim so often makes me want to say how much I've liked
looking at him — — listening to him talk a few times — — not to what he said
so much as just the sound of him — — —

The night I remember meeting him at the
northeast corner of the Plaza — — just walking along — — cold and windy —
I wanted to turn around and walk with him — — — slip my hand through his arm
— — — — I had nothing to say to him — — — — He didn't look as if he had
anything to say — — — —

I just wanted to walk a long, long way with him —
Wasn't it funny — — — I always remember it when you mention him. I didn't
want him to pay any attention to me — — any more than to himself — I just

wanted to walk with him.

It seemed that being by him would give me something.

I don't know what.

Yes I see you and Walkowitz — —

I have never wanted to tell again — — what I was going to tell you one
day when he kept me from it — —

—Telling it would have made a lot of differ-

ence in a way too -

Maybe ____________________ and maybe

not --

When I think back to it --- I wonder --- Terrible hurts are great

for me ______________ I wonder if they are for everyone.

I would not have missed last spring --- and summer for anything

but I wonder --- can I ever hurt so again -

— And my laugh now ---

so often --- makes me laugh

again inwardly --- at the

irony of the change-

— And I

wonder --- is the emptiness of now more --- or better than the fullness of
hurt. Lester has taken more time and thought than he is worth --- simply
because I'm almost an empty space ---

An empty space will fill up with something.

I'm getting mixed up.

Goodnight.

We have sat here talking a long time --- such a funny sister.

We hadn't talked before for a long time.

It has turned much colder. Early this morning it was warm

Tuesday night -

This afternoon I started to the lumber yard to get some stuff to paint
on --- and I've grown to be such a loafer that it took me nearly two hours and
a half to go the eight or ten blocks and get what I wanted and get home ---
There seemed to be so many folks to talk to and I just couldn't get away ---

3-15-17

kerchiefs — now that I have pockets I can carry lots of things
and put Faust on it — so it wouldn't get scratched

Then I lay down
again and went to dreaming again

The sun was warm in the little hollows
where the wind didn't strike. You would have liked it — I wondered what you
would say and feel out here where there is nothing but ground and sky.

It must be
that you would like it.

After a while I opened the book — and wondered where I had been reading last — decided I'd begin at the beginning again — while I was lost —
A queer little whirr — made me look up — a great flock of birds going over
quickly — and I looked and listened — it was so still.

The day the paper said Germany was giving Texas to Mexico — The
smiles — the war talk —

— I got out Brook Kerith again. Have been reading
on it again for three nights — not till very late though — — — — people
earlier

Isn't it queer — the way it fits some moods and not others —
and every night I got out Wright's Nietzsche book too — and looked at the
chapter on the Anti-Christ and put it away — That's as far as I have read —
I want to read the rest of it but can't get the humor so far — It's just
now getting warm.

I was in bed and scrambled out again after Faust when I had been suf-
ficiently petted by Brook Kerith — Brook Kerith is such a funny run-along way
of writing a book — isn't it.

Not being orderly — I started reading
along in the second part of Faust — I was
looking for the Helena and found something else
that seemed to serve the purpose just as well.

When I finished your letter this morning --- I banged it down on my desk
in the office --- I had been sitting there between the windows --- my tilty
business-looking chair tilted back against the radiator --- my feet propped up
much too high for a nice lady but discreetly behind the desk --- so as not to
shock any chance visitors --- and what I said to myself --- was ---

"GOSH BUT I LIKE HIM"

Then I jumped up quick and went on to class --- for the bell had rung
...... and I thought --- I knew you would have laughed if you had heard me say it.

I had been reading the letter instead of going to chapel because ---

Well

--- of course I wanted to read the letter --- and I had --- I didn't want to
go to chapel ---

The Seniors and Juniors all used to sit in the back of the auditorium ---
but they didn't behave very well so the order was reversed --- Seniors in front
--- Freshmen in the back --- and it seems that all the boys I like best sit right at
my feet --- and I had stood it for two mornings --- and today I didn't want to
--- I hate to be looked at --- after they have sat down there a week or so they
won't look so hard and I won't mind.

Yes --- it's funny --- laugh. 16 silk shirts --- Davis --- stopped
me in the hall yesterday noon and told me he thought the faculty looked great
--- he enjoyed being on the second row - he could see so well --- and he simply
doubled up laughing when I said I didn't enjoy it.

I didn't tell you about the dance...... You asked so I must have forgotten--
The yellow chariot came down from Amarillo and took me and the other chaperone.
He didn't dance --- but I did after I had watched a little while to see who
could dance ---

= It was very funny. I had a great time --- such ridiculous kids ---.

Sometimes it makes me laugh.

I hate so to think about the stuff. Most folks don't feel that way about what they make — do they?

What will I say to 291's continuing ______? Why ______ this morn-
ing before I got up I was thinking about it — and it seemed that I would just
have to go to N.Y. if you were going to close it — I'd have to be there again
— I don't know why — but I must.

I thought that this morning before the
letter came
—
—Knowing that 291 is — is one of the things that makes life
worth living.

That was true before you knew that I existed.
I want to go in — maybe for only a few minutes — simply because —

It wasn't you — though I never forgot the first time I saw you — the
wet brown and black thing in your hand — the not very pleasant — questioning
look.

I wonder why I like 291 so much — so much that to think of losing it makes me feel sick.

Goodnight. I like you very much tonight.

And tonight I'm only a little girl.

More I want to say — but — what.

I guess that space that is between what they call heaven and earth — out there in
what they call the night — is as much it as anything. So I send you the space
that is watching the starlight and the empty quiet plains....

The sister has been in bed today --- I made her stay there ---
so had to run
around a lot for her --- she is so funny ---

Charles brought her the victrola

--- I haven't been able to stand it around for a long time ---

A lot of new records that different folks donated --- and she says she played it all afternoon --- The carpenters have all been in to see her --- to fix a window or door --- or something --- and she said she decided Harry Lauder's "Roamin' in the Gloamin'" was most fun so she played it till she had the three carpenters in different places singing and whistling it and --- the folks downstairs too --- and she thinks it a large joke.

She has had my red picture up on the table so she could see it --- She says
"You know --- it does something to the room."

"The Sail" came ---

The Hartley is nice --- but not very clear --- the thing I like
about him is his bang --- The busted Ford opposite it's great ---
That is ---
it's mess pleases me now.

Cezanne's "realizing" amuses me --- yesterday and today too --- What does he mean? It's a mighty good thing that I can't "realize" these days.

I haven't had much time to try ---

but if I could --- it would only be passing an almost unbearable kind of madness on to the other folks.

Why try --- It's a sort of nausea ---
Still --- so many folks say "You're looking great" ... "I never saw anyone in such a good humor".

Physical Education --- measured me and weighed me --- and scolded me the
other morning --- Why --- he said --- you're not as thin as you look --- it's

#46

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

Mar 26, 1917 (2nd letter of this date)

Good morning !

My head aches.

I brought the small boy to school today and left him downstairs in the
training school --- he's a great kid.

And I read your yesterday's letter again --- an hour before class.

My head aches so I can't think.

Monday --- was anybody's but mine --- Jimmie

Blain --- Physical Education's five-year-old son --- saw Claudie and me up on top of our house --- and insisted that his mother phone us to come over and play with him --- there are two others younger and --- they are certainly great kids --- all boys. I went --- Claudie couldn't --- and all the morning went to the youngsters --- Claudie hauled me out the window just as "Why Men Fight" came and took this picture of me before I even had time to open the book --- It was a great spring day All afternoon I fooled away with the Fresh-men --- they were getting ready for a party --- and that night --- I went to the party --- and had more fun than most anybody --- I guess ---

--- Oh, I forgot --- in

between these Beverly and Davis and Fred and a boy from downtown and Claudie and

I all slaved and tinkered and pasted and tied till we had the most wonderful

kite fixed up --- and flying ---

It was a wonder --- we wore it out ---

Did you fly kites --- it's
great --- We are going to
fly another ---

Must tell about the blue flower --- someone stepped through Fred's hotbed
glass and all the hyacinths froze. When I teased him about it --- his face is
very red --- a blue streak --- scar of some kind under one eye --- red hair too
--- an awful temper --- he turned round right quick and --- "Why, Miss O'Keeffe,

Then I played with the baby. She is so little and funny — and pink and white
— 16 months old but little —

After that — washed my head —

A dust storm came tearing up the road when it was almost dry — I had been standing out in the back yard — no fences — Houses not close — you can see for blocks — watching a man breaking a colt to a cart about three blocks away —

If the wind doesn't go down we probably won't go tonight — too dusty.

I've been looking out the window at the wind and dust —
the fire at 291 —
— no use to tell you I'm glad it didn't go this time —
— I

was thinking how foolish of you to be saving my stuff — when you have so many
other folks' things — and mine are nothing.

Queer the way I want to be
near you today.

Then the laugh --- as though I'd see
anyone out there in the dark ----- and
as though it mattered

The ride home was great --- the thin moon went down --- very red --- The sky

Oh --- it was great --- I
let my hair fly in the wind till Mr. Reeves objected --- tied his handkerchief
corners in knots and made me a cap. She has the most contagious laugh I ever
heard --- yellow hair --- and I love yellow hair --- like her even if she
didn't say a word over my Rodin Campera Work.

You ought to live way off like this sometime --- it makes you wonder
when you see how little Rodin in this form means to most folks ---
I can hardly
believe it. I'm going to show it to a talkative class tomorrow. They might like
The Thinker a little ---

The sister didn't even get the water colors --- they
puzzled her --- she wondered --- looked several times --- always seeming to
question --- The man on the horse she liked.

No one has seen it but Mrs. R and Claudie --- I'll take it
to school tomorrow --- showing it to folks that can't see hurts
but I'll do it anyway ---

Maybe one will like it --- maybe two think about it ---

Don't know --- I'll see.

Is it because there is more animal in me than
brain --- that I want to be near you to tell
you how much I like it.

No --- it isn't animal at all --- it's touch --- Touch
may be god or devil with me --- I don't know which

I had thought about the Independent Show but simply didn't have time to
do anything about it.

-- No — not that altogether —

I just said to myself — — — why should I — — — It would be fun to see myself
hang next somebody else but I hadn't anything to send when I thought of it —
Dorothy wrote me right after I had sent everything to you — Should I cook up
something — — No — — — Get something from you? — — — — No! What would
I send if I sent anything ?

— so I let it slide. Too much of a problem for
me — I'd forgotten about it — but I think it's fun that you are doing it.

I wonder what you will do —

— I just want to say one little word.

Please don't name anything — unless you want to
very much — If you want to — — — — enough of course
it's all right — — — go on and have a good time — I should think that sort
of a show would be lots of fun — wish I could go to it —
And if you are giving me another show — I want to go to that too — just once.

No I don't either —

I get a creepy feeling

around inside of me somewhere when I think about it.

I've been sitting here watching the youngsters' goldfish for such a long
time that I'm lost.

remembered that I didn't tell you that I moved into my
white room today — am not in there though because I have the habit of being in
this one I guess.

Post-marked Canyon, March 30, 1917.

How are you ....................tonight ??

It's Thursday

(quiet --- wonderful --

Starlight -----moonlight

Such a great big world

There were many things to do today -----
put off for a long time ------------------had to be
done today because the Panhandle Teachers Association
comes tomorrow for two days

When I came home I was so tired I couldn't stay
home and sit down
) I guess I wouldn't have
done so much but I was invited to a party
and didn't want to go ------ so worked hard

I started for the tennis court -
with little Cooper -----
Claudie says I always
make an awful stir every place I go ---

I feel as if I've been stirring
extra hard tonight -----it was so funny

Feeling my face so red and my lips so hot

Anyway -----I feel better now ---as though I've worked
off a little steam - not even tired any more
Just came home -----it's 10:30

Lyman turned to me so quick and funny -and
told me
I was certainly different from any one
he ever saw ------

They always all come to it --------
of course all are different --------but I seem to be unusually

different ----------I wonder why ----------wonder
what other folks are like.

The Ibsen came yesterday ---I was glad to see it
Haven't read yet though

Some where up there I stopped and
thought a long time ------
and now I'm tired again

Good Night ------------very tired

Last night I rode into the sunset till it was gone
I feel like the empty stillness of the night-----and it hurts
----- your hand ------------ -----I wish it were
some where around ---

4-4-17

20

Tuesday night —

The worst dust storm we have had this year has been blowing today —
and is blowing yet — it usually stops at night —

— The wind still

blows — not so much dust —

The moonlight is clear —

the wind cold

All day it has been terrible — so bad that I had to

laugh — greyish yellow — warm looking dust — sky

dusty — no I don't think of it as dust — it's

sand — very substantial chewing—

— Everyone is just

rearing and stewing.

I've liked it — was in high good humor — would have
liked anything. Lots of funny things happened —

— It's so dry you don't feel

dirty like you would most any other place — Maybe the reason I'm so tired
tonight is because I've felt like a whirlwind all day — today and yes-
terday too — a large windy whirlwind.

Still — very trifling too — and I hate myself when I feel
so trifling — it's as though nothing is real — and I don't know
it till I touch it — then it just melts away.

The day has been nothing —

Maybe a dream

I don't know

But I am beastly tired

I've painted — Claudie likes it but its nothing.

She puzzles me —

Tonight I was thinking — When she came

out here there were small glimmerings of sense I thought Now
I don't know

I wonder if I'm letting her do too much as she pleases
I seldom even suggest I don't know only time will tell

I hate to think about it tonight

—
—
—
Seem to hate to think about most anything.

Goodnight —

I guess I can sleep -

— I'm so tired.

I was going to Amarillo tonight —

glad the dust flew

I don't like the man.

Goodnight!

I've thought of you often today — and wondered if my thought went up
it seems so funny.

Still blowing! Had to get up in the night and close my windows
it scared me so. And this morning bright sunlight — still the
terrible wind. It's great.

Envelope addressed:
Alfred Stieglitz
291 Fifth Avenue
New York

(Dust Storm Years)

Envelope postmarked:
Canyon Texas
Apr 4 1917

scared me terribly last night as I closed the window.

Something Lester had said
---
Asked me if I wasn't afraid here when that porch would be so easy to climb
---
and more foolishness that made me laugh
---
just the same I jumped and was
terribly scared at the dark spot
---
Wouldn't it give him a good laugh if he
knew it.

Yesterday he had on a new suit
---
dust
and all.

Isn't it a funny world! No I haven't a new dress
--- it was a coat
--- and I
can't stand it
---
Claudie thought it great so I gave it to her
---

It's a great day --- I must go. Wish you could see the plains this
morning --- Wednesday --- it's wonderful ---

Yesterday morning I noticed for the first time that the plains from my
window were green --- just a little --- The planted fields were green long ago ---
all I can see is just prairie grass --- a few cattle way off --- a tent and a
car --- some folks drove up and pitched the tent just a little out there ---
I've wanted to visit them.

Gosh that dust !!!

Envelope addressed:
Alfred Stieglitz
291 Fifth Ave
New York.

(Dust Storm Years)

#50

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex.

Apr 9 1917

Sunday night -- 8:30

And I'm in bed --- A black and white checked blanket on
the foot of my bed --- a yellow shawl around me --- an old lady gave it to me a
long time ago and it's always around somewhere because it's yellow --- warm
and I like it --- gown so low --- and no sleeves at all --- I like that too ---

I've been to the canyon so there is a large bunch of cedar under my
dressing table across the room.

I've felt so hopelessly empty the last few days --- searching in absolute darkness --- for what --- is there anything to find

I just looked around at the window --- the moon --- very round and
hot yellow --- making the sky round it warm and the plains seem darker than ever.

Lester stood beside me as I pulled my mail out of the box this morning ---
his box is just a little way from mine --- He makes me think of a fine white-faced
Hereford bull --- only the face isn't white --- it's a very healthy color ---

We looked at one another and laughed

He is provoked ---

Now that he is provoked --- I like him better --- but I'm
afraid he's so provoked and thinks me so hopeless that he
won't come to see me anymore ---

It's funny --- maybe I'm just sorry that he can't understand ---
and want to try to make him

---I don't know --- care less.

(part omitted)

Last night a worse storm than ever --- it was tremendous ---
I hardly slept any ---

Wrote Anita way along in the night somewhere --- saw the sunrise
clouds like great

frosty mountains. Moon through the dust all night — pale.

Your letter this morning — thanks — I like it — the little slip
about the exhibition looks nice — Someway it hurts so to think of my little
white thing on view — Isn't it cold — I'm glad you like the show —

— the little white thing — it
even hurts to think of it.

Greetings !

Your letter was great to get — It's a nice letter — It helped the day —
I feeling like an empty tin can.

I climbed out there in the canyon till —
— I'm glad to be in

bed — feel limp — waded in the stream at the bottom — almost went crazy
with terror at the places I went up and down — alone most of the time —

I wanted to climb alone — It was my party — two faculty — Claudie — a girl
student and the driver —

I feel somewhat better tonight like large chunks of blue and deep red —
tumbling down somewhere — a maddening tumbling feeling —

I'm so glad Wolf liked my things — I liked him — very much — I
started to ask you about him — then didn't — I wished he would see them —
don't know why — except that I liked him.

Goodnight.

Maybe I can sleep — I ought to be tired enough.

It has been a wonderful day — I played with the little girl out in the sun
a long time —

A little wind tonight — you hear it?

I needed lots of things to wear the rough edges off of me today.

Goodnight.

I like to know that you are tonight — that you understand — what?

#51

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex.

Apr 15 1917

Thursday night

How are you?

The morning after the last night I wrote you I waked before daylight --- watched
the world turn from white moonlight to warmness then daylight

Cattle in the pens
over by the track waked me I guess --- I was glad because I like to hear them ---
and I like to see daylight come.

I wish you could hear them in the early morning.

It's great.

Then it rained for a couple of days --- the first since way last October or No-
vember --- it seemed queer. The lightning was marvelous ---
The man from Amarillo
that I don't like was down that afternoon --- we rode till the sky was too angry-
looking --- the lightning too wild --- another new car --- a beauty --- I think
they must all be going crazy.

Lots of work to do --- and I've been painting again
too --- No one thing is right --- but the series of seven --- all stabs at the same
thing --- tell it I guess ---
They are different --- seem different to me anyway
--- they are like my hands have been today

Queer hands --- I've looked down to
see often if there is something in them --- They have been full all day ---
of what?

touching yet untouchable.

The plains are wonderful --- so much greener --- unbelievable --- pale
soft greens --- lavenders and blues ---
pink over northeast toward the canyon ---
Lea and I walked toward the sunset tonight till houses were all gone --- then lay
down on the ground --- little short grass --- hardly any at all --- wet too from

last night's rain but the sunset is so much finer close to the ground ---
I haven't any idea of how long we were there --- just still ---
We were not close to one another --- she sat right down --- almost in the road ---
I rolled under the fence --- out a way where the grass was trying to grow ---

This morning there was a letter from a man who had been to my ex-
hibition --- Dewald --- I wonder if you talked to him or if he really saw all
by himself ---

It was great to get --- such a surprise --- I wonder
if you know him or did he get it alone

"Others" came ---

I don't know why --- but it surprised me --- I hadn't pic-
tured her like that --- That's so funny to say because I really had nothing to
build her on at all before --- I like her --- or should I say I feel her.

I've had a damnable time the last few days --- it's just myself ---
feeling fine --- too fine, I guess.

I see the American Art News calls me a "Futurist". More crazy folks in
the world than you and me. I want to pick holes in everything folks call Art ---
I'm not trying to do Art --- I'm digging stars

Lyman gave me a new record this afternoon and I haven't an idea what it
was --- I was looking out the window when he was playing it to see if I liked it
and I said I did and took it without thinking ---

Then afterward when I saw it in my hand I've have given it back but he
was gone --- I didn't want it --- He can't give me anything I want. I gave it
to Little Cooper without opening it. Why did he give it to me --- why did I let him?

Goodnight.

Gosh --- can you feel how I feel --- it's the devil --- and still in a way I guess I
like it.

Today the fact just dawned on me that there are only four more weeks of school.

#52

Postmarked: Canyon Tex

Apr 14, 1917

Friday night — the 13th

No — I guess it's Saturday morning — the roosters are crowing already.

I really never had a nicer surprise in my life than the photographs this morning.

I opened it on the street — waiting for a little joint down there to
open — imagine my amazement — and while I was looking — along came Physi-
cal Education — He didn't understand my things but he could understand your
end of it — what a lot of trouble you had taken —

He laughed at me when I told
him I was so excited I couldn't stand there by myself — that I just have to
go along with him wherever he was going — so I went with him — it was a
great morning — quiet and sunny — he's nice to talk to so I quieted down —
great pleasure you gave me — seeing how they are hung — then too — seeing
them again — I forget them you know — and even what I think I remember is so
often all wrong

It was almost like going to 291

(part omitted)

I was busy all day — worked in my garden till five — came home — was
just in the house when up sailed the man from Amarillo that I don't like —

I went up with him but
now I hate him.

GOSH !

I'll never go again

Maybe that's why I want to be close to you —
The ride was great — green in the sunset — lightning — and smallpox — dark
spotted out now —

I just came in — it's after twelve but — it gives me the creeps.

#53

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

Apr 15 1917

Sunday morning -

A large day --- a large wind --- fine sunshine --- plains wonderful and misty.

A letter from Dorothy --- she liked my things at 291 --- She and Walkowitz had a great argument over whether I studied with Henri or not --- I never saw him even ---

— Queer the rested feeling I had this morning — quieted maybe —
from being with someone that didn't bother me yesterday.

Yes — everything so queer. He will laugh to find me gone this morning.

Going on toward one again --- cold east wind blowing in --- I'm beastly cold -

but I just must say a little to you — just in bed again —

It's Saturday night — I've been to Amarillo again — couldn't resist it — sunset — The Independent Catalogue this morning and a wonderful letter from your friend — the mother of the six grown sons —

— sort of a whirlwind of a day — I like the man — the one I don't like introduced him from the depths of somewhere a few days ago — in fact I had seen him often — often enough so that I've been avoiding him rather frequently —

— I like the stuff his clothes are made of — just like him — and he insisted so insistently that I went — had a good time — They wanted me to stay over and come down tomorrow in the car but I just happened to meet some of the boys who were up to take examination for the army —

— I was afraid of seeing — touching — shaking hands even with Murry — so came back with the boys on the train —

They called me all sorts of names for not staying over but I didn't want to — The youngsters all excited over war — five of them 17 to 23 — coming down with them — all talking — so excited — was worthwhile — glad I came.

It's nice to see someone you like --- comfortable --- no reason or
sense to the way I like and dislike folks --- He's from Kentucky --- He
doesn't know I came down tonight --- I think it a good joke.

Goodnight.

The Catalogue was interesting --- The Blind Man great ---
I read that but had little time to look at the other --- on the fly all day.

Gosh I'm glad I'm in my own bed --- Claudie spending the night out ---
I'm upstairs all alone and so glad of it --- --- ---

four hours of it today and not a sign of being tired
The wind blew very
hard Sky and plains all round except to the Southwest big clouds today
great shadows on the plains

Boys leaving school and going to war
the best ones, it seems
some waiting till the end of the quarter
Vacation three weeks vacation in three weeks

I don't know it's bad a few new
ones getting the fever every day
leaving on one train or another
They can't see at all I can't see much but I can
see enough to know that I can't see.

It's like sending the cattle to market.
Goodnight I'd like to give you both hands and be very close to you
for the world hurts someone to feel it like I feel it.
All these other fellows like oh, the ones that make me
hate all the men in the world they don't think about going to war
They will still be here with cars and their despicable selves It's only the
nice youngsters that go

Friday evening shadows growing long yesterday a large wind
all quiet tonight Your two letters this morning - Nietzsche and a
letter from Dewald again Les and I have been fighting over the book all
day at odd moments both wanting to read at the same time. I'm going to bed
with it tonight

I read all the letters at the dressmaker's had gone on an errand for
someone else it's right beside the Post Office dirty little room but

the morning sun comes in — she is a good old soul — and I didn't want
to wait till I got home to read — She never said a word while I read
it all — I think I'll have to have her make a dress for me — I haven't any
and she looks as though it would do her good —
It's almost warm enough
for white again.

I've been dreaming — it would be great if
you were here right now.

No — young men can't understand — — — — they make me laugh —
I wonder why they ever try — very young ones like me — little boys —
the students here — 16 to 24 — they do not try to touch me — they
leave me alone — I don't know — I feel like one of them — they talk
— maybe it's because they like to talk about themselves and I like to
listen — It interests me —
Then too I'm "different" to them — they
think I'm queer — I don't know why — They expect nothing —
neither do I — That I think and talk and act differently from what they have
known before does not scare them — doesn't insult them.

You spoke of Bement — he is one of the best friends I have —
has been for five years — one of the few —
He is really great —
I've been asking his advice — then only taking about half of it all this time
— He only understands me about 3/4 of the way down though. He is too dis-
creet — too safe-minded to squeeze all the juice out of any kind of a
lemon — but he is impersonal —
I had painted — drawn — scratched
around at it as a youngster — then things happened that made me stop —

I'd just as soon give the thing to Dewald — he likes it enough —
It tickles me so that he likes — no — that it means so much to him —
I would like him to have it — It feels great — and makes me laugh
— isn't it funny.

Goodnight —

I must go.

It's almost dark

— I feel like bursting — like having a great time —

Envelope addressed:
~~Alfred Stieglitz~~
291 Fifth Ave
New York

Envelope postmarked:
Canyon Texas
Apr 21 1917

Monday night ____

No ____ the sun isn't gone yet but I'm on my bed so it
seems that it ought to be night.

I feel as though I've been flying ______ yesterday I left the house for
breakfast and didn't get back till after breakfast this morning ______ I hadn't
intended to go anywhere but I feel as if I've been all over Texas.

Why try to tell about it — — —

If you knew Dr. Mac and
Mrs. Billie Mac — I've never told you about them in spite of the fact that
it's their house I usually go to in Amarillo — — — Guess I never told you be-
cause it's such a queer mix-up of women and men — a tangle — and I
like to go there and at the same time hate it —
They came through — a car full
and we went down to their ranch — twenty miles below here — that was in
the afternoon — the morning was all sorts of things strung out —
I went
back to Amarillo with them — It was a great day — a great ride — all
so funny —

This morning I got up with a headache as usual — just day-
light — and left — nobody up — They sky blazing —
I walked
to the station.

Spring — — — — — — — — early green and I knew all the cross-cuts and
cracks in the walk almost — — passed the house where I used to live.

I've painted all day — — —

as if my life depended on it — —

It's clearer color — the color pleases me but the shapes are hopeless — The
color surprised me when I got ready to wash my brushes and compared it with other
things — even my red one.

I want to start that over again right now but

BOARD OF REGENTS

A. C. GOETH, PRESIDENT, AUSTIN
WALTER J. CRAWFORD, BEAUMONT
ROBERT J. ECKHARDT, TAYLOR
J. S. KENDALL, DALLAS
A. B. MARTIN, PLAINVIEW

TRAINING SCHOOL CRITIC TEACHERS

CLEVELAND BAKER RUTH M. COOPER ANNA I. HIBBETS EMMA MCCLESKEY FREMONT MEAD

The West Texas State
Normal College

Canyon, Texas

R. B. COUSINS, PRESIDENT

L. G. ALLEN MARY BELL W. H. BLAINE, JR.
MARTHA BELL MARY MORGAN BROWN HENRY W. GEELL
J. W. REID F. P. GENTHER J. A. HILL
JENNIE C. RITCHIE D. A. SHIRLEY MARY E. HUDSPETH
B. A. STAFFORD B. A. STAFFORD MARY A. LAMB
L. HAMAH SMITH R. A. TERRILL WINNIE D. LOWRANCE
TRAVIS SHAW, SEC'y. GEORGE PROTHRO, SEC'y. TENNESSEE MALONE

R. L. MARQUIS H. W. MORELOCK
GEORGIA O'KEEFE JESSIE E. RAMBO
J. W. REID JENNIE C. RITCHIE
D. A. SHIRLEY D. A. SHIRLEY
B. A. STAFFORD B. A. STAFFORD
L. HAMAH SMITH R. A. TERRILL
TRAVIS SHAW, SEC'y. GEORGE PROTHRO, SEC'y. TENNESSEE MALONE

2nd class to whom most respect is due, and who, I trust, will be as kind a class as this one. The best of them all, and the best of the rest.

4-27-17

it ______ of course I sat up and looked out and he saw me just as he stopped ---
He is funny --- I like him ---

He thought it a large joke that there was nothing
but my head that I could show and I wouldn't go down because he had a man with
him --- I've often seen the fellow with Lester --- often seen him on the
streets --- No one ever told me who he is and I never asked --- but he looks
at me too hard --- and I don't like to be looked at --- He is enormous
--- drives a good car --- if I knew him I wouldn't have any better sense than
to ride in it ---
--- and I just don't ever

Bah! I hate to be touched. Still he looks
as though he would be fun!

Today --- I've spent mostly with the Gellers ---
He teaches Agriculture --- They are both sick --- I didn't want to stay but
I am sorry for them --- He is a Rumanian --- she a German --- Been here 17
and 22 years --- Foreign --- and some way folks do not understand
--- It was bad..

I didn't enjoy it a bit --- He very quiet --- she nervous and
excitable ---
- It is terrible.

It made me ridiculously glad I'm not married.

GOSH!

A letter from Mr. Dow about my things at 291 --- riled me --- I had
told him about them --- He liked some color printing I did a couple of years
ago and comes harping back on that.

I wanted to answer him and tell him "Color print-
ing be damned" but guess I won't --- Anita always said "Oh! if his mother had
only been able to keep him from ever seeing a Japanese print! He would have
been a pretty nice old boy but that ruined him."

Then the Masses came I feel like chewing nails.

Goodnight /

I've just been wondering the past few days why I — and the sister were put in the world —

— I feel like such a misfit — She doesn't know it yet but she will in time be as much a misfit as I am and I'm sorry for her —

I never ought to talk to folks about anything but the weather.

I always horrify them

And it always surprises me when I find how differently I think about things

I talked at dinner today — last Sunday too — without intending to

Open mouths and queer looking eyes waked me up both times —

I don't know how I grew queer — how it happens that I'm almost always alone —

And I don't care if I am alone. I'd rather be alone than with them

Your last letter is very alone too — I had forgotten that while writing of myself. If the drawings and things make you less alone —

— I cannot tell you how glad I am. What would I be doing these days if I could not talk to you — It would be so queer.

Goodnight.

Envelope addressed:
Alfred Stieglitz
291 Fifth Ave
New York City

Envelope postmarked:
Canyon Texas
Apr 30 1917

Postmarked Canyon, May 3, 1917.

It's night ---

I've just come in great out

I was out hoeing and watering my garden while the sun set
till it was too dark to see ---

Then went by the Normal on
my way home to get a drink --- They were practicing the
senior play ---

Ted and I lay out there on the big flat cement
piece on the side of the steps --- looking up at the sky for a
long time. ---

Talking

Ted is a nice boy

No that's not the way to say it

) I like him says it better

He is one kind of cowboy ---

Thinks he can't go to
war right now because he has a lot of cattle down on the ranch
that they have to keep through the summer Any
way he wants to see what's happening first
He was down there Sunday and got all excited
telling about it

"And don't you know

I have the greatest mother in the world --- at least
to me"

Tall and thin muscles like iron

He asked me something I don't know what

Then rose right up

) and asked why I always

smiled such a funny smile and changed the
conversation so quickly when he tried to find out if
there was a particular man ---

I had just started to try to tell him
---I don't know exactly what when some one

came along ---

He is good-natured

funny kid --- has such funny kinks in his
brain --- I like him

I don't know how to begin ... don't know that I have anything to say ... only ... all inside I'm crazy and I don't know what over ... how ... why or anything ... just don't know anything ...

I wouldn't mind dying when I feel like this ...

Ted told me I was pale

— was I sick

I'm feeling great ...

— not sick

— but ... what is it ... is it just so full of woman that I feel ...

Been looking out the window — it's cloudy — raw — cold,

forgot where

I was at ...

I don't know what it is ... my hands so full

— full of what —

I don't know —
— Ted thinks maybe he will go down on the Rio Grande to be a
River Guard — would rather do that than be just a straight run along soldier
— Has a ranch and cattle down there....

: I want to go along —

I want

to get right out and go somewhere now — I was laughing at the way he walks

today and he said —— Why that's because I've always lived in boots — —

Queer the way I like him.

What in the world is the matter with me these days anyway.

I feel full of wheels

and empty spots-

Out of kindness to the rest of the folks I ought to leave everyone
alone — I feel like a curse to everyone I talk to — — — I ought not to even
let Ted look at me —

It's something tingling to my very fingertips that
I feel almost burns folks.

The queer oversensitiveness toward everyone — feeling and seeing with them all
even more keenly than usual

Your little girl —
- a piece of fast-burning wood — Hot moving — — easily
put out.

Next week all will be different —
so much between now and then that it
scares me — What

The other teachers here don't have the sort of time I have — but I can't
help it —

I feel like a fire-cracker.

Envelope addressed:
Alfred Stieglitz
291 Fifth Ave.
New York

Envelope postmarked:
Canyon Texas
May 9 1917

#55

Postmarked: Canyon, Texas

May 17 1917

Thursday afternoon _________

Raining for several days --- a cloudy sunset -- soft warm greys --

wonderful to your hands

and the shining light showing through it.

I seem to have finished - -

it's at school ------------ My room all a

litter -------

Everything is dripping yet out -- the eaves -------

I've come to something I can't write you -------- but can't you get it
anyway ---

I wish you could

I suppose you can --

It's Ted.

(part omitted)

There is something these days --- something in me that unsettles folks --

Maybe you know what it is --- it unsettles them so that I feel it --- and it makes me uncomfortable --, and I cannot help it unless I just go off and stay away from everyone.

So many have said ----- so pretty -- what have you done ----- it seems so funny.

Maybe you know me and maybe you don't --- I don't know myself.

---Watson sent word he

was coming down yesterday or today --- too much rain --- I'm glad --- only maybe

he will help me get my balance. Physical Education wants me to go in with him for

Red Cross supply work --- has been in talking about it for a long time this after-

noon --- county work --- There is more money than anything else here --- ???

(part omitted)

There are two letters — notes — scraps — back in Canyon
written to you but not mailed

I am up here — much against my will — It's all right and it's all
wrong too — I feel so sick — — — came up with Lea last night to Dr. Mac's —
And I didn't want to come —

The plains are great — I'm so tired that I feel crazy and sick and my
head aches and everything else —

(remainder omitted)

#56

Marked: "Written in NY Sunday May 27, 1917. Handed to me
Decoration Day - 1917. New York."

In bed —

Sunday night —

Arthur this morning —

Bement this afternoon

Dorothy till ten

Ailleen Pollitzer — walking in the rain till twelve — in the park —
like a dreamland.

A hot bath

I am so muddled — — — — — Feel more alone since I've been here than ever
in my life.

More that I must give myself
= when —— where —— to what —— for what

I do not know

I just look around and wonder.

So many folks that I like that ought to be weeks or months apart —
all coming right on top of one another — hardly breathing space in between.

And I like them all better than ever and like some new ones besides.

Anyone must be insane to take a dose like this —
-> Not only the people but
the city again — All seeming to be seen with new eyes.

It seems that I never was any other place —

Are the plains ?

You ?

I don't know

You are like a part of me —

I do not know

My hand

Goodnight —

I do not know

What —

What is it I don't know.

#57

Enroute Postmarked: Chicago Ill

June 3 1917

All the paper is dirty.

It is almost dark again — all day — most all night — I thought —
just a twisting and turning in my mind like a restless — sleepless night —
night I couldn't sleep much — restless —
and a queer consciousness of so many
folks —

— all day — just nothing definite — couldn't read — nothing out
the window —
— not wanting even to write — except that I wrote Guisman — and
knew when I wrote that it wouldn't be sent now —
— don't know why

Just not ready to send it yet.

It wasn't much — just a little.

I wondered about 291 — who was in — who you talked to — Who you
lunched with.

So glad I was there —
I guess I've looked at my hands often —
wondered why they should mean anything to anyone —
— Wondered that I should mean
anything to any of you — yet I feel I did — just a sliver of a woman in black
— It seems so queer — I can't understand — Wondered how you will get
through the next few weeks.

I think I know what it is meaning to you — what you feel —
but I guess
I hardly dare let myself feel it —

— I haven't written Arthur — have always written before — as soon as I left him or he left me — He said he was going to write this time — that he had always wanted to before — but couldn't — It made me laugh — now — when I do not care — do not need it — A bit ironical —

a bit amusing. I have just had nothing to say to him. It's a sickening sort of
hurt.

The furnaces going into Chicago.

I wonder about the brother. A nice-looking
young man sent the telegram for me last night -
- this morning I thought I'd go
crazy — and asked him to talk to me — about anything he wanted to — just <u>talk</u>.
He laughed and began about Honolulu and Hawaii — it was nice of him — he got off
at Cleveland —
Goodnight.

Tell Strand his photographs have been very much with me — The trouble
is — everything seems to be —

#58

Enroute. Kansas City

June 3 1917

Chicago is almost out of sight.

I met my brother — he had written my aunt that he was going to meet me. Now I'll have to write her and she will raise a large time because I didn't tell her — a nice mess.

He is in the officer's training camp at Fort Sheridan — hoping to be one of the first to go as an engineer to France.

You know I used to be very fond of him. We were great friends — then fell out — I hadn't seen him for three years — He has improved very much — a girl the past year I think — Will be 25 next week — Doesn't expect to return if he goes —

= I feel very much ironed out — an hour and a half with him — so big — hoping — yet not hoping.

And he goes smiling.

He said he thought Mama would want him to go.

Maybe he won't get in —

I don't know — it's all so queer — I feel very quiet — like not smiling — wonder why I ever laughed —

Goodnight.

Good-morning Again — almost to Kansas City — I've been on the back platform — the country isn't so stupid this morning —

Sun shining — leaving Chicago last night was great — such big straight lines — steel things — dark, straight-line buildings — green lights, yellow lights — other lights — And we moving out of it —

My brother said — "How little you are" — then later "You certainly have a wonderful hand — I never saw one like it — and it's the first thing

I noticed about you" — When he was about thirteen someone made a cast of it
and when he saw it — it made him deathly sick — Mama wrote me about it—
then later he told me —

I forget that it is Sunday till a dressed-up little girl reminds me occasionally.

I don't know what I'm thinking — it's all so mixed up — what
I'm returning to — all of you in N.Y. — the brother — I seem to be try-
ing to readjust myself to everything and to feel that I haven't much time to do
it — and that I'm not doing it after all.

Just sit stupidly staring —

I must tell you that the porter on the other train gave my funny little
bag to another woman and I didn't miss it till I got off — It makes me laugh.
The conductor said he would get it — it provoked me but was so funny — .

#59

Enroute. Postmarked Newton & Amarillo R.P.O.

June 4 1917

3

At Newton, Kansas --- we began to see real country --- just now we are leaving
Wichita --- The sky-line is different in real country --- the hills a different
shape --- level places have a different kind of levelness --- Trees grow
differently. Sometimes they seem to crawl up the hillsides.

Gosh --- I wish I could tell you
how I love it --- it's so different --- yet I can hardly tell you how
To look out and see the world grown bigger --- more room to breathe ---
know --- I believe I'm glad I'm on the way back.
Why you

Yes --- I am and I am not.

I feel almost like somebody else --- Two weeks ago today I started for N.Y.
and it seems years ago. Almost as though I was never out here before ---

Isn't it queer --- And yet not queer ---

I suppose I am a living --- walking --- knowing example of the fact that
a woman has no memory.

I have and I haven't you know ---

Remembering makes me shrink inside that I don't dare remember because when
I look around for something to put my hand on that feels like safety --- there
just isn't anything.

It's really beautiful out here.

very much rested __________ relaxed.

I've had breakfast ____ the sister brought the early mail ____ A letter
from you was all besides papers.

Quiet this morning ____ I read your letter on the way from breakfast __-
white linen again ____ leaned against the porch arm at the steps to finish it __-
the walk from breakfast is only a short block.

I'm afraid I would have cried but I had to come past people in the house
maybe to get upstairs.

I felt as I left that I meant a lot to many____
and it seemed so queer
____ it bewildered me ____

The sister just came in ____ saw what I had painted
last night ____ standing in a row on my bed. "Why they look just like people ____
real people ____ different ones ____ no -- all the same --
-- naked people."

It made me feel uncanny, sort of croaky way down to the ends of my fingers
____ for they were people -- -- and it seemed so real to her -- I guess they
are Strand -- anyway -- it's something I got from him --
-- I wanted to paint
longer -- do it again and others -- but it was too dark and it's queer --
I rather enjoy having it still in my head yet.

-- I must go -- -- -- --

#61

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

June 8, 1917

(part omitted)

Thursday night

The little line

--- I'm not going to bombard you with daily letters ---

: :
; Well

There was no letter this morning --- Then at noon I heard that the train it would
have come on was seven hours late ---

Claudie had gone for the mail again at noon so when I got to my desk in
my office after dinner there was the letter

- I can't tell you how glad I was

--- The day was just a mad rush ---

- When I started home at noon I was late ---

people talking had kept me ---

Everyone seemed to have gone --- I stood there ---

looking at the emptiness --- listening to the dry rattle of a lot of rye ---
planted on part of the campus to get the soil in shape ---

- I was beastly tired ---

breakfast at seven --- people asking questions when I hadn't classes all the time
from them on --- The hot wind — hitting and hitting you — it seems to come
right along and slap your face — I didn't mind it only —

- so tired and so

alone ---

I wished the wind were a someone that loved me --- that it were all round
me --- and would blow me away. Blow me away to nothing --- anywhere --- nothing ---

Then a man came along in a car --- rode --- talk --- --- --- he lives
across the street --- took me back again after dinner --- He is funny --- teaches
Biology.

So you see --- I was glad for the letter --- very glad --- --- --- ---

I don't know why but I had expected it - was disappointed in the morning when
it hadn't come.

Not really expected - - - - I don't expect anything from anyone --
I had just thought it would come.

After school I had to go to town - - - many errands - - - - - - - -
And along with the other errands I cashed Dewald's check without a spark of feeling
one way or the other - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I had his letter in N.Y. but did
not open it till your letter yesterday telling of your evening there with him -

Then I remembered that he had kissed my hand when he told me goodnight.

He made me feel that he was examining me like he might some queer creature
he had never heard of and wondered - - - - does it move - talk - - - - feel anything
when you stick a pin in it - - - - or like something he might be examining under a
microscope - studying - - - - rather than living with

It surprised me - - riled me a bit - - - - but somehow - - I couldn't mind
much because I think I understand him - - - - he amuses me - - - - and I am sorry for
him - - - I resent his examining attitude - - I did not want to see him anymore
- - - - be with him anymore alone - -

I like some things about him - - would probably
have screamed if he had touched me - -

I like to know he is in the world but - -
- - Well - - I don't want to see him - -

Yesterday I had a notion to write him - - I've forgotten why now - - I just remember
I didn't have time.

I could remember If I wanted to - - - only it isn't worth it - -

Laugh

I think fifty dollars is too much for the drawing - - He evidently doesn't.

enough. I decided it was a good time to tell him I must stop — he mustn't
come around anymore and mustn't phone

so went down and told him — Nice sort
of a chap — he understood — Not safe for either of us — he knew it all
the time — Isn't it queer — the way he likes me — yet would make trouble for
me if I'd let him —

— Queer way of liking a person — isn't it —

He would just walk on anything to get what he wants.

I both hate him and
like him for it.

The amusing thing is — I was painting on him when he drove up.

He gave me such definite creepy crawls —
I had to make it and now I'm just torturing myself by leaving it on the wall —
It makes me feel like I have felt all day — as though I could hardly stand
living — I can hardly stand that thing in the room — The look on his face
yesterday.

Oh I'd like to see you tonight.

I wondered several times — why I didn't walk out into the night with you.

Your letter this morning was great —
— somehow I seem to feel
in it that Arthur was a small edition of a stone wall — even to you.

I'm tired — terribly tired.

Being alone in my room seems fine —

#62

Postmarked: Canyon, Tex

June 11 1917

Your letter this morning

At Tubmans—

Just meeting him — watching him a little while was great.

I'd like
to see him often — The wife must be very nice.

I wonder if she would like me—
Women do — and they don't — both at the same time I so often feel —

I hear that
I am the most talked of woman on the faculty — I don't know why — it makes
me want to put a few things in Anita's little bag and leave — quietly — on the
night train — I believe I'm considered "queer" — "different" — and if I were dif-
ferent from what I am I'd be artificial — or something that's not me — I don't
know what I'd be —

I thought I was going very quietly about my business — saying very little
to anyone outside of it —

So was greatly surprised to learn that I was being very much discussed

My clothes — my shoes — my hair — my face — my talk in
classes — the things I say

— I don't like it.

You see the summer folks are different from the winter folks — older —
most of them teachers —

I wonder if I as a person get in the way of what I am trying to teach —
Isn't it funny.

It's so absurd to try to teach anything — and I — as a person — to
myself am just nothing — it seems so ridiculous that anyone should think to
talk about me.

It's raining — lightning — thunder — Much needed rain —
Everything was burning up —
— I don't enjoy rain

(part omitted)

The sister and I walked a long way this evening after it was too dark to work — In talking — our talk was interesting — in a way — I said some things I wanted to say to her — I tell her some things that happen to me hoping that some way things will help her — Living is going to be queer to her — and I want her to understand — What I I don't know — I don't understand — anything myself — how can I help her.

We were talking about my different friends.

When she mentioned you — I made the remark that I just didn't see how people could get along in the world without having what you mean to me.

She remarked that as far as she could see not many people seem to have it.

She is a funny little girl — I am beginning to feel that maybe she is
rather fond of me — I never felt it before — I wish you knew her — Maybe I
wish more that she knew you.

(remainder omitted)