A

Curious Addrefs

TO THE

COMICAL READER;

Which He is defired to accept
in Lieu of Preface, Dedica-
tion, &c.

HASTE, ye gloomy Sons of Care,
To be blithe and debonnair!
Groaning Gout, and haunted Hyp,
Racking Stone!—together trip;
And your aged Hearts regale,
Playing Truant at each Tale.
Haften Youth! In social Hour
Wit and Wine promisc'ous pour :
Read my Jefts—repeat 'em o'er—
Set the Table on a Roar.

For a double Tefter,
Thine—Ro-Chefter.

ADVERTISEMENT.

THE Public are defied
to take Notice, that no
other Book, under the Deno-
mination of Jefts, is either pro-
per or necessary to bind up with
this: It being (of itself) the
compleateft Collection of Fun
and Humour, in any Lan-
guage, antient or modern.

N. B. To render this learned
Work more univerſally uſeful,
there are ſome additional Notes
interſperſed for the Uſe of the
Dauphin.

(I)

ROCHESTER'S
JESTS.

IN the Reign of King Charles the Second
lived the accomplifh'd Earl of Rochester,
famous for his Frolicks, Wit and Humour.
Among many others, the following Story is
told of his Lordship: That as he was walking
one Day in the Park with some of his gay
Companions, he saw the grave Doctor Barrow
(the greatest Mathematician of his Age) mufing
along the Mall in his ufual contemplative
Manner, and immediately propos'd, for Di-
version, to rouſe him from his Reverie. His
Companions were ready enough to attend
him; and upon meeting the Doctor, his Lord-
ship making a very low Bow, with great Vi-
vacity faſd, Doctor, a good Morning to you — I
am your Ctedingly glad to see you— I am yours
to the we y Centre of Gravity. The Doctor,
who was not easily to be ſurprized, perceiving
B his

( 2 )

his Drift, with all the Compoſure in the
World, returned the lowly Bow, and ſaid,
My Lord, I am yours to the Antipodes. This
put his Lordſhip to a ſhort Paſe; but as
Wit is ſeldom at a Lofſ — Doctor, ſaid he, I
am yours to the loweſt Pit of Hell—There
then, reply'd the Doctor, I muſt leave your
Lordſhip;—and ſo purſued his Walk.

His Lordſhip one Day happening to wait
upon the King, when there was in Prefence
the Duke of York, the Duke of Monmouth, the
Duke of Lauderdale, and Dr. Fraſer, who,
though the greateſt Dunce in the whole Col-
lege, had yet the Honour to be one of the
King's Phyſicians. His Majeſty being then in
a merry Humour, upon the Earl's coming in,
ſays to him, *Rochefuſer*, I am told you are very
good at making Verſes extempore; is it true?
The Earl reply'd, an't pleafe your Majeſty,
I have made Verſes extempore many Times.
Prithee, let us have ſome of 'em now, ſaid
the King? On what Subjeſt would your Ma-
jeſty have 'em, ſaid the Earl? At which the
King looking about him, anſwer'd, on us that
are here. I beg your Majeſty's Pardon, re-
ply'd *Rochefuſer*, I dare not do it. Dare not
do it ſaid the King! Why ſo? For fear I
ſhould offend your Majeſty, reply'd *Rochefuſer*.
No, no, you ſhan't offend me, ſaid the King,
ſay what you will, and therefore I command
you to do it. Nay, if your Majeſty com-
mands

( 3 )

me, ſays *Rochefuſer*, you muſt be oblig'd,
and thereupon the Earl began thus,

Here's Monmouth the Wty,
And Lauderdale the Pretty,
And Fraſer that learned Phyſicians,
And above all the left,
Here's the Duke for a Jeſt,
And the King for a great Politician.

O' my Conſcience, ſays the King, he has fa-
tyrized upon us all: No Wonder, indeed,
that you begg'd my Pardon before-hand, for
you were resolved to ſtand in Need of it.

At another Time, the King and ſome of
his Lords were at Crambo, and the Word
they were to Rhime to was Liſbon; they
were all at a Stand, and none could do't.
At laſt, ſays the King, we want my Lord
Rochefuſer now. Says one of the Lords, I
ſaw him but a little while ago walk into my
Lord Chamberlain's: Upon which, one of
the Gentlemen of the Privy-Chamber, then
in waiting, was ſent to tell his Lordſhip, the
King would ſpeak with him, and the Gentle-
man finding my Lord there, brought him along
with him. When he came into the Prefence,
ſays the King, *Rochefuſer*, we have been at
Crambo, and none of us can make a Rhime
to Liſbon. No, ſaid the Earl, that's ſtrange!
Why can you do't, ſays the King? Yes, Sir,
ſays the Earl, in a Stanza, if your Majeſty

B 2

will

( 4 )

will grant me your Pardon. You're thinking
of some Mischief now, fays the King; and
then smiling upon my Lord *Rochefter*, Well,
fays he, I grant you my Pardon. Upon which,
*Rochefter* taking a Glafs of Wine in his Hand,
faid,

Here's a Health to Kate
Our Sovereign's Mate,
Of the Royal House of Liffon;
But the Devil take Hide,
And the Bishop befide,
That made her Bone his Bone.

At which the King biting his Lips, and frowning, bid him be gone.

Some Time afterwards, Lord *Rochefter* happening to be at Court, with the Duke of *Monmouth* (one of King *Charles's* natural Sons) and others of the Nobility: Their Lordships admired a little black Spaniel, belonging to one of the Maids of Honour, and, especially the Duke, who told *Rochefter*, it was one of the prettiest he had ever beheld—Yes, reply'd his Lordship, 'tis indeed a very pretty Dog (ftroking it) and one of King *Charles's* own Breed.

Villars, the witty and extravagant Duke of Buckingham, was faying one Day to Lord *Rochefter* in a melancholy Humour—I am afraid, my Lord, I f shall die a Beggar at laft, which

( 5 )

which is the most terrible Thing in the World:
Upon my Word, reply'd his Lordship, there is
another Thing, more terrible, which we have
both Reason to apprehend, and that is, That
your Grace, as well as myself, shall live Beggars,
unlesſ we retrench our Expences.

His Lordship, not leſs remarkable for his Wit,
than for his Gallantry, in attempting to kifſ
the Dutchefs of *Cleveland*, as ſhe was ſtepping
out of her Chariot, had the Misfortune to fall,
but rifſing again immediately, repeated these
Lines.

By Jove 'twas bravely done.
First to attempt the Chariot of the Sun,
And then to fall like Phaeton.

Another Time his Lordship, being oblig'd
to take Shelter in a Country Church, where,
as is but too common, was a wretched Clerk:
After Service was over, his Lordship thus ad-
dreſſ'd himself to the poor Psalm-finger,

Sternhold and Hopkins had great Qualms,
When they translated David's Psalms;
To make the Heart full glad;
But had it been poor David's Fate,
To hear thee ſing, and then translate,
By G—d't had made him mad.

King Charles coming from Newmarket thro
Shoreditch to London, obſerved a Wall or Bank,
lately.

B 3

( 6 )

lately made there of Horns, as was common in
that Road, and bid Rochester, who was in the
Coach with him, take Notice of it: Ay, Sir,
said he, the Citizens seem to have been laying their
Heads together to mend the Way against your Ma-
jefty came by.

What his Lordship has said of his Friend,
Sir Charles Sedley, cannot be applied with
greater Propriety than to himself, viz. that he

—has that prevailing, gentle Art,
That can with a refiftles Charm impart
The looseft Wishes to the chaftest Heart:
Raiseth such a Conflict, kindle such a Fire,
Between declining Virtue, and Desire;
That the poor vanquish'd Maid diffolves away
In Dreams all Night, in Sighs and Tears all
Day.

Such was his Lordship's Addrefs and Skill
in Intrigues, that he engag'd the fine Mifs
Roberts to leave the King, for the Poffeffion
of his Person and Heart, as the fooliflyh ima-
gined: But he was soon cloy'd with any one
Woman, tho' the fairest in the World, and
forfook her. The Lady, after the firſt Emo-
tion of her Paffion was over, grew as indifferent
to him, and confidered how to retrieve the
King's Affection. One Morning, as she was
dressing her Head at the Window, she saw the
King coming by; down Stairs she ran, with
her Hair about her Ears, threw herself at his

2

Majesty's

( 7 )

Majesty's Feet, implor'd his Pardon, and vow'd
Conſtancy for the future. The good King,
vanquish'd with the Sight, took her up, and
proteſting no Man could see, and not love her,
waited on her up Stairs to her Lodging, and
there compleated the Reconciliation.

The late Prince of W—s, having a Mind
to divert himself incog, went to see a Bull-
baiting near Hockley-in-the-Hole. The Bull
(being true Game) gave great Sport, and foil'd
every Dog that attack'd him. At last, old
Towzer, whose Owner (a Butcher of Clare-
Market) ſtood close to the Prince, fairly pinn'd
the Bull: At which the Butcher, in the Joy of
His Heart, gave his Royal Highneſs a ſwinging
Clap on the Back, ſaying at the fame Time,
G-d d-mn your Blood, Mr. Prince, if that is
not my Dog.

A Kentish Nobleman being in Company with
some Scotch Officers, exprès'd himself happy
in having a Multitude of Nightingales about
his Country-Seat. Nightingales? ſays a bonny
Scot, we have aboondaunce of them near Edin-
burg. Sir, replies my Lord, I thought thofe
Birds had never reach'd so far North; pray,
what kind of a Thing is a Nightingale? My
Lord, rejoins the Scot, it is about as bag as a
Pudgeon, and has a Head like a Cat, and cries,
Whoo, whoo, whoo.

A

(8)

A Braggadocio, in Company with Mr. Charles B—, bragg'd that he had demolish'd five hundred Men with his own Hand. Sir, says Charles, I have kill'd in my Time, let me see? Five at Madrid; ten at Lisbon; twenty at Paris; thirty at Vienna; and double the Number at the Hague. But at length coming over from Calais to Dover, I had scarcely disembarked, before a desperate Son of a Bitch of an Irishman killed me. Killed you? says the Officer, Damn you, what do you mean by that? Sir, replies Charles, I did not dispute your Veracity, and why should you question mine.

An Alderman of a certain Body corporate, not remarkable for the greatest Extent of Knowledge, being present at a public Entertainment, where the Mediterranean happen'd to be the chief Topic of Conversation, addreſs'd himself very gravely to the Company: Pray, Gentlemen, is the Mediterranean a Corporation Town like ours?

A Countryman going to see Vaux-hall, after admiring the particular Beauties of the Place, the Mufick, and the fine Company, broke out in Rapture: Zure, this muſt be the Pleace that Adam tumbled out on! And, soon after, when he beheld the dark Walk; Zure, this muſt be the Pleace h'a tumbled into.

Mr. Wycherley, the comic Poet, at the Point of Death, married a young Lady of Merit, to be

(9)

be reveng'd on his next Heir, and when the Ceremony was performed, he earneſtly begged her not to deny him one Requeſt, the laſt he ſhould make. Upon her Affurance of confenting to it, he told her: *My Dear, it is only this; that you will never marry an old Man again.*

The Bishop of S— being at Court, and observing a Lady, who was very corpulent, talking to the Princeſs Dowager, and at the other End of the Room a very genteel Youth, both of whom were utter Strangers to him, he addreſs'd himself to the young Gentleman, and with an infinuating Air, after some Compliments, asked him, if he knew who that fat Sow was, who was in Discourſe with her Highneſs? Yes, my Lord, reply'd the Youth, with great Modesty; that Fat Sow is the Ambaſſadreſs of Sweden, and Mother to the little Pig, who has the Honour to ſpeak to your Lordship.

When Admiral Bembow was a common Sailor, his Mefs-mate loft his Leg by a Cannon-Shot, the poor Fellow called out to his Friend, and begg'd he might be carry'd down to the Surgeon, for that he had loft his Leg. Bembow immediately took him up on his Shoulders, and began with great Care to defcend with him into the Hold; but it happen'd, juſt as the poor Fellow's Head came upon a Level with the Deck, another Ball took off that too. Bembow, however, who knew nothing of the Matter, continued to defcend to the

( 10 )

the Surgeon, and when he was almost at Bottom, called out that he had brought him a Patient, and desir'd that he would bear a Hand, that they might let him down easily. The Surgeon turned about, but instead of giving Bembow any Assistance, *Damn you, fays he, what do you here with a Man that has left his Head? Left his Head? fays Bembow; a lying Son of a Bitch, he told me it was his Leg; but I never believ'd what he said in my Life, without being sorry for it afterwards.*

The late Dr. B-r-y, was one Evening very smart upon Mr. H-ll, who had been in great Distrefs: H-ll took no Notice of him at first, but suffer'd him to run on 'till he changed the Subject. Among other Things, the Doctor mentioned his having been out of Town for a Week: Aye, fays Mr. H-ll, that was published in all the Saturday's Papers. In what Form, fays the Doctor? Why, Decreas'd in the Burials this Week one hundred and forty-four.

In the Reign of his late Majesty, the Play of *Harry the Eighth*, which is a fort of dramatic Chronicle of an old English Court, was order'd to be acted at *Hampton-Court*, under the Direction of Sir *Richard Steele*. When it was over, the Earl of *Sunderland* meeting Sir Richard in the Colonade, ask'd him gravely, how the King lik'd it; he reply'd with his wonted Humour, *So terribly well, my Lord, that I was afraid I should have left all my Actors! for I was not*

( 11 )

*not sure the King would not keep them to fill the Poets at Court, he saw them so fit for in the Play.*

The celebrated Miss C—h complaining of the Ill-nature of the Town, said to Lord C—d, that Occasion had been taken from a late Illness of her's, to spread a Report, that she had been brought to Bed of two Children. His Lordship advis'd her to be easy under such Circumstances; adding, that for his Part, he had long made it a Rule not to believe more than Half what the Town said.

When the Earl of *Stair* was left Ambassador in Holland, he was invited to an Entertainment by the *Abbe de Ville*, the French Resident, along with the *Austrian Ambassador*: The Abbe proposed a Health, to the *Rifing Sun*, his Mafter; alluding to a Motto of *Lewis XIV*. which was pledged by the whole Company. The *Austrian* next, in Compliment to his Miftres, the Empres Queen, toasted, *the Moon and fixed Stars*, which was greatly applauded. It then came to the Earl's Turn, and his Lordship, with great Prefence of Mind, drank his Mafter, by the Name of *Jofhua the Son of Nun*, who made the Sun and the Moon to stand still.

Sir *Richard Steele*, when he was fitting up his great Room for public Orations, happened to be pretty much behind-hand in his Payments to his Workmen; coming one Day, he order'd one of them to get into the Rostrum, and make a Speech,

( 12 )

a Speech, that he might observe how it could be heard. The Fellow mounting, and scratching his Head, said: *Why here, Sir Richard, we have been working for you these six Months, and cannot get one Penny of Money. Pray, Sir, when do you design to pay us? Very well, very well, said Sir Richard, pray come down; I have heard enough; I cannot but own you speak very distinctly, tho' I don't much admire your Subject.*

It is reported of Sir Richard, that when he put up for the Borough of Wendover in Bucks, he made an Entertainment, and invited every married Elector, with his Wife, to be present at it. He soon made them very merry, and in the Height of their Jollity, addreſs'd himself to the Ladies, telling them: *Ladies, I hope there is none here but wishes herself the Mother of a Man-Child, and as an Encouragement to use your best Endeavours, I promise each of you twenty Guineas for every Male you shall bring into the World within these ten Months, and forty, provided you bring Twins. This produced what he hoped it would, much Love and Laughter; it gained upon the Affections of the Wives, and the Wives got the Voices of their Husbands; so that Sir Richard gained his Election, againſt a powerful Oppofition, by a great Majority.*

Sir Richard tells a Story of a young Spark in the Country, who, upon reading over the *Whole Duty of Man*, wrote the Names of several Persons in the Village at the Side of every Sin, mentioned

( 13 )

tioned by that excellent Author, so that he converted one of the best Books in the World into a Libel againſt the 'Squire, *Church-Wardens*, *Overſeers of the Poor*, and all other the most considerable Persons in the Parish.

A Gentleman, who had long danted Attendance after the Ministry in hopes of Preferment, being one Day, as usual, at the D— of N—le's Levee, and happening to cast his Eyes up to the Cieling, obſerv'd to his Fellow Solicitors how properly that Room was decorated. The Gentlemen present said, they could see no great Ornament about it. I did not say there was, said he, *but I admire the Propriety of what there is; for both Top and Bottom is full of Fretwork.*

Lord C—d chanc'd one Day to be at the fame Levee, when Garnet upon F-b, a Book dedicated to the D— of N—le, happen'd to lie in the Window. Before his Grace made his Appearance, his Lordship had Time enough to amuse himself with the Book, and when the Duke enter'd, he found him reading in it. *Well, my Lord, said his Grace, what is your Opinion of that Book? In any other Place I should not think much of it, reply'd his Lordship; but being in your Grace's Levee, I think it one of the best Books in the World.*

The late Prince of W—s went with several of the young Nobility to view the Curiosities of C—the

( 14 )

the Tower, among the reft, the old Warder
pointed to a Breast-plate, the lower Edge of
which had been carried away by a flant Shot
of a Cannon-Ball, and with it, as the Warder
said, Part of the Bowels, and the Rim of the
Man's Belly that wore it; notwithstanding which,
being put under the Care of a fkillful Surgeon, the
Man recover'd, and liv'd ten Years afterwards.
The Company ſmil'd at the Gravity with which
the Warder repeated his Tale; and the Prince,
with a gracious Condeſſenſon, ſaid: I remem-
ber, Father, to have read somewhere in a Book,
a Story like yours, of a Soldier, who had his
Head cleft in two ſo dexterouſly by the Enemy, that
one half of it fell on one Shoulder, and the other
half of it on the oppoſite Shoulder; and yet on his
Comrade's laying his Hands carefully under the
two Sides, clapping them nicely together again,
and binding them cloſe with his Handketchieſ, the
Man did well, drank his Pot of Ale at Night,
and ſcarcely recollected that ever he had been hurt.
This ſimilar Story, ſo feaſonably applied, ſet
all the Company in a Horſe-Laugh, which
wrought ſuch an Effect upon the old Warder,
that he never had the Courage afterwards to
tell his accuſtom'd Story.

A young Fop finding Fault with the chief
Character in one of Dryden's Tragedies, ſaid
it was unnatural, and that he himself ſhou'd not
act ſo in ſuch Circumſtances; but, Sir, anſwer'd
Mr. Dryden, you ſhould confider: You are no
Hero.

One

( 15 )

One Morning while Alderman Barber was
in Bed, he was viſited by Mr. Deputy B—d,
who without any Ceremony bolted into his
Chamber, being told that he was ill of the
Gout. The Deputy, after the usual Com-
pliments, ſat down and enter'd into Converſa-
tion; but obſerving the Curtains to be cloſe
drawn, and the Alderman to be more referv'd
than usual, he began to ſuſpect ſomething more
than ordinary to be the matter, and caſting his
Eyes round the Room, he ſpy'd a Woman's
Shoe juſt under the Bed; Well, Mr. Alderman,
said he, I hope you are not dangerouſly ill—I am
miserably tormented in my Feet, reply'd the Alder-
man, I don't wonder at that, ſaid the Deputy,
when you wear ſuch narrow-toed Shoes, reaching
the Lady's Shoe at the fame Time. The Al-
derman, who could not help ſmiling at the
Diſcovery, laid aſide his forc'd Reſerve, and
said, If that's the Cafe, Mr. Deputy, I'll get
another Pair.

Lady V— being aſleep in her Cloſet, with
the Adventures of Peregrine Pickle before her,
her Lord happen'd to ſtep in, and looking over
the Book without waking her, took the Liberty
to change it for the Practice of Piety, and ſo
left her. When ſhe wak'd, ſhe preſently per-
ceiv'd the Trick; and his Lordſhip entering
while the Book was yet in her Hand, he took
Occafion to compliment her on her Ladyſhip's
Reformation. Nay, nay, anſwer'd my Lady,
let our Reformation go Hand-in-Hand, I beſeech
you;

C 2

you;

( 16 )

you; when you, my Lord, practice the Whole
Duty of Man, then I'll read the Practice of
Piety.

There being a great Disturbance one Night
at Drury-Lane Play-house; the late Mr. Wilke's,
coming upon the Stage to say something to
pacify the Audience, had an Orange thrown
full at him; which, when he had taken up,
making a low Bow, with the Orange in his
Hand—I think, said he, this is no Civil
Orange.

A famous Punter being defir'd to make a
Pun extempore, upon what Subject? said he;
the King, anfwer'd the other. Oh, Sir, replies
the Punter, the King is no Subject.

Soon after my Lord Ch—ld came into the
Privy-Council, a Place of great Truſt happen'd
to become vacant, to which his M—ty
and the Duke of D—t recommended two
very different Perſons. His M—ty eſpous'd
the Intereft of his Friend with ſome Heat, and
told them, He wou'd be obey'd; but not being
able to ſucceed, he left the Council Chamber
in great Displeaſure. As ſoon as he retir'd,
the Matter was debated warmly, but at length
it was carry'd againſt the K—g; because if they
once gave him his Way, he would expect it again,
a d ſo it would riſe at length to a Pricedent.
However, in the Humour his M—y was
then in, a Question aroſe, who ſhould carry
the

( 17 )

the Grant of the Office for his M—y to
ſign; and the Lot fell on Lord Ch—ld. His
Lordship expecting to find his M—y in a
very unfavourable Mood; (and accordingly it
happen'd so) prudently forbore to incense him
by an abrupt Requeſt, and, inſtead of bluntly
aſking him to ſign the Inſtrument, very ſub-
miſſively aſk'd whose Name his M—y would
be pleas'd to have inferted to fill up the Blanks,
The K—g anſwer'd, in a Paſſion, the Devil's,
if you will. Very well, reply'd his Lordship;
but would your M—y have the Inſtrument run
in the usual Style, Our truſty and well-beſerved
Couſin and Counſellor? The K—g lauſt, and
with all the good Nature in the World, ſet his
Name to the Paper, tho' to promote a Perſon
not very acceptable to himself.

A Nurſe, who was holding a Child by the
Fire ſide, and handling his little Bauble, ſaid to
a Maid that ſtood by, Look here, you may ſee by
a Penny how a Shilling is coin'd.

A young Lady aſk'd a Gentleman, who was
a Lawyer, what was the moſt ſurprizing Cu-
riſity in all Sir Hans Slean's Collection? He
anſwer'd, a Virgin at Fifteen; indeed, Sir, re-
ply'd the Lady, you are miſtaken; for I have
been told, that in his whole Collection there is
nothing so curious as an honest Lawyer.

The late Bifhop of D—m, who was a
great Scholar, and an able Speaker, but re-
markable

C 3

( 18 )

markable for a total Neglect of Drels, and a
flovenly Habit of keeping one Hand almost al-
ways in his Breeches, having been pitch'd upon
by the Miniftry to introduce the Bill for mak-
ing a Provision for Officers Widows, into the
Houſe of Lords; his Lordſhip, when he made
the Motion, ſtood with the Bill in one Hand,
and held the other in the usual Place; and then
began with great Solemnity to acquaint the
Houſe, that he had an Inſtrument in his Hand fir-
the Benefit of Officers Widows: Upon which,
the Duke of Argyle inſ instanty interrupting him,
before he could proceed further in his Speech,
aſk'd with a Smile, In which of your Hands,
my Lord? The Jeſt put the whole Houſe in a
Roar, but did not in the leaſt diſconcert the Bi-
ſhop, who went on with his Motion, as if no
ſuch Interruption had been made.

Mr. Congreve going up the Water in a Boat,
one of the Watermen told him, as they paffed
by Peterborough Houſe, at Mill-Bank, that a
remarkable Accident had happen'd to that very
Houſe, it having funk a Story. No Friend, ſays
Congreve, I rather believe it is a Story rais'd.

Charles Hulet the Player, about the Year
1710, was put 'Prentice to a Bookſeller. By
reading of Plays in his Maſter's Shop, he us'd
to repeat Speeches in the Kitchen, in the E-
vening, to the Deftruction of many a Chair,
which he subſtituted in the Room of real Per-
ſons in the Drama. One Night, as he was
re-

( 19 )

repeating the Part of Alexander, with his
wooden Representative of Clytus (an Elbow-
Chair) and coming to the Speech where the
old General is to be kill'd, this young mock
Alexander ſnatch'd a Poker, inſtead of a Jave-
lin, and threw it with ſuch Strength againſt
poor Clytus, that the Chair was kill'd upon
the Spot, and lay mangled on the Floor. The
Death of Clytus made a monſtrous Noife,
which diſturb'd the Maſter in the Parlour, who
call'd out to know the Reaſon; and was an-
fwer'd by the Cook below: Nothing, Sir, but
that Alexander has kill'd Clytus.

Mr. F——— coming out of the Houſe of
Commons one Day, call'd out, Where's my
Fellow? Not in England, by G-d, ſaid a Gen-
tleman, who ſtood by.

Sir Richard Steele having one Day invited a
great Number of Perſons of the firſt Quality,
they were ſurpriz'd at the Number of Liveries
which ſurrounded the Table; and after Din-
ner, when Wine and Mirth had ſet them free
from the Obſervation of ſtrict Ceremony, one
of them euquired of Sir Richard how ſuch an
expenſive Train of Domeſticks could be con-
ſiſtent with his Fortune. Sir Richard very
frankly confes'd that they were Fellows, of
whom he would very willingly be rid; and be-
ing then aſked why he did not diſcharge them,
declared: That they were Bailiffs, who had in-
troduced themselves with an Execution; and whom,
since

( 20 )

Since he could not send them away, he had thought
it convenient to embellish with Liveries, that they
might do him Credit while they staid. His
Friends were diverted with the Expedient, and
by paying the Debt discharg'd their Attendance;
having oblig'd Sir Richard to promife that they
should never again find him grac'd with a Re-
tinue of the fame Kind.

* The present glorious King of Prussia hav-
ing invited the French General Officers and
other Prisoners to sup with him the Evening of
the memorable Battle of November the 5th,
1757, made an Apology for his not treating
them in so magnificent a Manner as he could
wish, by saying, Really, Gentlemen, I did not
expect you so soon, nor in such great Numbers.

A moving Sermon being preach'd in a Coun-
try-Church, all fell a weeping but one Man,
who being ask'd, why he did not weep with
the rest? Oh! said he, I belong to another Pa-
ridh.

During the Breach between Queen Mary
and the Princes Anne, (afterwards Queen) the
latter was entirely neglected by the Courtiers;
but upon the Queen's Death, Things took a
different Turn; nothing was to be seen but
Crowds of Courtiers flocking to Berkley-House

* For the Use of the Dauphin.

the

( 21 )

(the Prince's's Residence.) This sudden Change
occasion'd the half-witted Lord Carnarion to
fay one Night to the Princes, as he stood
close by her in the Circle: I hope your High-
ness will remember that I came to wait upon you,
when none of this Company did; which quaint
Speech caused a great deal of Blushing, as
well as Mirth.

When Mrs. W——n first acted Sir Harry
Wildair at Drury-Lane Playhouse, coming off
the Stage into the Green Room, I believe,
said she, that one Half of the House take me
really for a Man: To which said Mrs. Clive,
But the other Half, Madam, know to the con-
trary.

A Schoolmafter asking one of his Boys, in
a sharp wintry Morning, what was Latin for
Cold; the Boy hefitated a little: What, Sir-
rah! said he, can't you tell? Yes, yes, reply'd
the Boy, I have it at my Fingers Ends.

A Lady, who had more Vivacity than Dif-
cretion, began to rally a little Gentleman in
Company about the Marriage of his Friend,
who, it seems was also a very little Man. 'Tis
surprising to me, says the Lady, that Mfs***,
who we all know to be a Girl of good Sense,
should ever think of such a diminutive An mal;
why I could hide fifty of them under my Petti-
coat. Madam, quoth the Gentleman, I don't
dubt

( 22.)

doubt but you have had a hundred there before
now.

The French King having a Lady in his private Apartment, commanded that no one should enter 'till his Majesty gave Orders for his being seen; an Officer happening to come at that Time with an Express, was very importunate to be admitted; but being deny'd, was oblig'd to wait 'till a Lady in Green had come out of the King's Closet, soon after which he was introduced; and enquiring of his Majesty's Welfare, the King told him he had been somewhat indispoied, but was then perfectly recover'd. The Officer reply'd, I believe your Majesty was troubled with the Green-Sickneſs, for I saw it go out at the Door.

A Gentleman on Horfeback, and his Man on Foot, stroking the Horfe's Buttocks, receiv'd a Kick, upon which he took up a Stone to throw at the Horfe, and hit his Maſter on the Back, which made him aſk what was the Matter ? Alas! Sir, faid the Man, holding his Leg, your Horſe has lamed one of my Legs. Ay, faid his Maſter, he is indeed very unruly, for he has kick'd me on the Back, and 'tis well he mifs'd my Head.

Two Persons, Male and Female, having met with three irrefiſtible Temptations, Time, Place and Conſent, made use of the Occafion, and were wickedly busy; but the Girl being con-

( 23.)

concern'd more about her Credit than her Conſcience, cry'd to him: *If it ſhould ever come out, I am utterly undone; to which her Gallant anſwer'd; If it does not, I am ſure I am utterly undone.*

Mr. *Monk* and Mr. *Merryman*, two Tradesmen of London, went to West Cheſtcr Fair to lay a little Money out; and being there one Night, the Chamberlain of the Inn where they lodg'd, happen'd to conduct them through an Apartment where there were two Men in Bed together. Mr. *Monk* obſerv'd, that one of them was so plaguy long-ſhank'd that his Legs were half-way out at the Feet of the Bed; which he no ſooner ſaw, than he conceived a mighty Desire to have a Frolick with them; and as ſoon as they came into the next Room where they were to lie, he ſays to the Chamberlain, you may now leave us, and we'll take Care of the Candle ourselves: So, when the Chamberlain was retir'd, he acquainted his Bedſellow with his Deſign. Did you obſerve, ſays he, the Man in the next Room with his Legs half a Yard out at the Feet of the Bed ? Yes, reply'd *Merryman*; and what then ? If you'll hold the Candle juſt at the Door, anſwer'd *Monk*, and light me, and take it away at my Signal, I'll ſhow you ſome Diversion. With all my Heart! replied *Merryman*. So both of them pull'd off their Slippers, to prevent making a Noife; and as ſoon as *Monk* came into the Room where the two Men lay, he ſpies a pair of

7

of

( 24 )

of Spurs, one of which he takes up, and gently puts it upon the Man's naked Foot that hung so far out of Bed; and as soon as he had buckled it faft, he beckons his Friend to take away the Candle and flut the Door, and then he gives Teague (for he happened to be an Irishman) a good hard Pinch upon the fame Foot that he had put the Spur on. The Irishman at this began to growl confoundedly; and hauling up his Feet into the Bed, (tho' not awake) he scratch'd his Bedfellow's Legs fadly with the Spur, who, being a Scotchman, roars out in a devilifh Passion: 'De'el d—-n you, Sir, gen yé'se not gang out of the Bed, and cut your Toe Nails, by G-d! I'fie throw you oot o' th' Window.' The Irishman being yet asleep, and not in the leaft senfible of what had paflled, soon after thruft down his Legs as they were before; then Merryman gave him t'other Pinch by the Toe, and up the Irishman hauls his Feet again, and scratch'd the Scotchman's Legs as before; at which the Scotchman began to pommel the Irishman heartily. Presently after, the Irishman rolling his Feet about the Bed, fluck the Rowel of the Spur into his own Leg, which thoroughly awak'd him. At this, he with some Surprize, putting down his Hand to feel what was the Matter with his Foot, cry'd out, in a very great Passion: 'Arrah d—-n my Shoul but the Hoftler of dish Inn ish a very great Rafcal; for by Chrieſht! he has pull'd off both my Boots, and like a d--n'd Rogue, has left one of my Spurs on.'

A de-

( 25 )

A deform'd Lady, going one Day into the Pump-Room at Bath, was accofted by the celebrated Beau N—ſb, who thought to divert himself and the Company at the Lady's Expence, Pray. Madam, what in the Name of Tobit's Dog? N—ſb, reply'd the Lady, and a very impudent Dog he is.

An Irishman eating an Apple-Pye with some Quinces in it: Arrah now, dear Honey, said he, if a few of these Quinces give such a Flavour--How would an Apple-Pye taſte made all of Quinces?

A young Gentleman, of a good Family, who had only a Pair of Colours in the Guards, had been a long Time solliciting in vain for a Company; 'till chancing to be at a Visit, where the late D—ſs of Marl—b—b had met with Disgrace, by accidentally breaking Wind backward, if our young Soldier had not, with great Gal-lantry taken it upon himself, and asked a thou-fand Pardons for the pretended Offence he had given, which quite freed her Grace from the leaft Suspicion of it: The D—ſs was so charm'd with the Prefence of Mind, and polite Manner in which the young Enſign had brought her off, that ſhe never let the Duke reſt, 'till he had given him the Company he wanted; and upon delivering his Commission to him—You find, Captain, said ſhe, it is an ill Wind that blows Nobody Good.

A Fellow of a certain College, seeing Tom Brown in a tatter'd Garb, said: Tom! your D Gown's

99

( 26 )

Gown's grown too short for you. Ah! reply'd
Tom, that's true, but it will be long enough be-
fore I shall get another. This Repartee so di-
verted the Fellow, that he continu'd laughing
'till he met with a Brother of the same College,
who ask'd him what he laugh'd at: Why, says
he, at an excellent Joke, I just now told Tom
Brown his Gown was grown too short for him;
and he said, it would be a long Time before he
should have another. Well, and pray where is
the Joke in that? I don't know, reply'd he, but
I am sure it was a good Joke when I heard it.

A Person faying, (not at all to the Purpose)
that really Sampson was a very strong Man:
Aye, said another, but you are much stronger; for
you make nothing of lugging him in by the Head
and Shoulders.

Colonel —— who made the fine Fire-
works in St. James's Square, upon the Peace of
Ryewick, being in Company with some Ladies,
was highly commending the Epitaph just set up
in Westminster-Abbey, on Mr. Purcell's Mo-
nument:

He is gone to that Place, where only his
own Harmony can be exceeded.

Lord! Colonel, said one of the Ladies, the
fame Epitaph might serve you, by altering one
Word only:

He

( 27 )

He is gone to that Place, where only his
own Fire-works can be exceeded.

A Person ask'd an Irishman, why he wore his
Stockings the wrong Side outwards? because,
fays he, there is a Hole on the other Side.

A Quaker being in Bed with his own Spouse,
in the Middle of the Night, about the ninth
Hour, she pulled him, saying, Ezekiel, awake!
What fayest thou, Tabitha, the Wife of my
Bosom? Arise, said she, speedily and quickly,
and make no long tarrying nor delaying, but
enter into the next Room and nigh unto the
Place that pays a tribute unto Caesar, there
standeth a Wicker Chair, whereon hangeth a
Garment, called, by Unbelievers, a Red Pet-
ticoat: Dive into the Pocket, and take out
thence two Farthings, then go thy Way unto
Obadiah, the Tallow-Chandler, and buy two
Candles, light one of them, and bring in pre-
fently; for I fear our youngest Son, Nehemiah,
has left his mother.

A Gentleman being ask'd by a Neighbour
how he did? D', Sir, said he, Why I think I
do very well; but really I cannot get my Wife to
think so.

A Gentleman having received some Abuse,
in passing thro' one of the Inns of Chancery,
from some of the Clerks, he was advised to—

D 2

com, lain

( 28 )

complain to the Principal, which he accord-
ingly did, and coming before him, accofted
him in the following Manner: I have been
groſsly abus'd here by some of the Rascals of this
House, and underſtanding you are the Principal,
I am come to acquaint you with it.

A young Gentleman having got his Neigh-
bour's Maid with Child, the Maſter, a grave
Man, came to expoftulate with him about it.
Lord, Sir, said he, I wonder you could do so?
Prithee where is the Wonder? said the other,
if she had got me with Child, you might have
wonder'd indeed.

An honest Welb Carpenter coming out of
Merionethshire, got Work in Bristol, where,
in a few Months, he had fav'd, besides his
Expences, about twelve Shillings; and with
this vaſt Sum of Money, was returning into
his own Country. When he came upon Mill-
Hill, he look'd back on the City: Ab poor
Priftow, said he, if one or two more of hur
Countrymen were to give thee such another Shake
as hur has done, 'twou'd be poor Priftow in-
deed.

A young Gentleman, who had more In-
clination than Experience, being alone with a
Lady, who wanted for neither, cry'd out in a
Transport, Ab, that I had you but in a Wood!
A Wood! says the Lady, smiling, that might
be very well, but methinks this Cloſet and this
Velvet

( 29 )

Velvet Couch, with the Door lock'd, is full as con-
veniunt.

A Country Clergyman meeting a Neigh-
bour, who never came to Church, altho' an
old Fellow, above Sixty, he gave him some
Reproof on that Account, and ask'd him, if he
never read at Home? No, reply'd the Clown,
I can't read. I dare say, said the Parfon, yn
don't know who made you? Not I, trth, cry'd
the Countryman. A little Boy coming by at
the fame Time, Who made you, Child? said
the Parfon, God, Sir, anſWERed the Boy. Why
there, quoth the Clergyman, are you not afkain'd
to hear this Child tell me who made him. when you,
who are so old, cannot. Ab! said the Country-
man, it is no wonder th t he ſhould remember :
He was made but other Day, it's a great while,
Meaſter, ſin' I was made.

Three young conceited Wits, as they
thought themselves, paſſing along the Road
near Cambridge, met a grave old Gentleman,
with whom they had a Mind to be rudely mer-
ry: Good Morrow, Father Abraham, said one;
good Morrow, Father Isaac, said the next;
good Morrow, Father Jacob, cry'd the last.
I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob, re-
ply'd the Gentleman, but Saul, the Son of Kith,
who went out to seek his Father's Affairs, and lo !
here I have found them.

D 3

Two

( 30 )

Two Women were goffing together; one
says, My Daughter ban't laid her Eyes together
these four Nights: You Fool, says t'other, how
she'd fl e? Don't her Nose lie between?

One of the Commissioners of the Revenue
being one Night in the Pit at Drury Lane
Play-house, an Orange Girl, famous for her
Wit and Assurance, striding over his Back,
he popp'd his Hands under her Petticoats. Nay,
Mr. Commissioner, said she, you'll find no
Goods there but what have been fairly enter'd.

A Sea Captain being afk'd his Opinion about
a future State, he anſwer'd, that he never trou-
bed his Head about State Affairs.

A Man and his Dog, nam'd Cuckold, going
out together in the Evening, in returning home,
the Dog ran in Doors firſt: Oh Mother, says
the Boy, Cuckold's come; nay then, says the
Mother, your Father's not far off I am fure.

A Gentleman having invited several of his
Friends to supper, a Couple of Rabbits in a
Dish being under his Hand; as he was carv-
ing, his Wife call'd to him: *Husband, pri-
the give me a Flap of the Coney; the good Man,
abash'd anſwer'd her, No, no, Wife, not before
all this Company.*

Some Ladies having a Petition to prefent to
the Speaker of the House of Commons, waited
at

( 31 )

at the Door for his going in; at laſt the Crowd
 grew ſo great, that there was hardly any paſſing
 by; which one of the Meffengers feeing, cry'd
 out aloud, Ladies, pray fall back, and open to
 the Right and Left, that the Members may go in.

The King of France taking Killigrew, the
famous Jeſter, into a Gallery full of Pictures,
among the reſt, ſhew'd him the Picture of
Christ upon the Croſs, and afk'd him if he
knew who that was? But Killigrew made him-
felf very ignorant, and anſwer'd, No; Why,
faid the King, I'll tell you, if you don't know,
this is the Picture of our Saviour on the Croſs,
and that on the Right Side is the Pope's, and that
on the Left is my own: Whereupon Killigrew
re ply'd, I humbly thank your Majefly for the In-
formation you have given me; for the I have
often heard that our Saviour was crucified between
two Thieves, yet I never knew who they were
before.

One of the Comedians walking down Bow-
Street, Covent-Garden, ſaw a poor miserable
Object aſking Charity; he ſtopp'd and reliev'd
him, ſaying at the fame Time, This Man muſt
either be in very great Diftreſs, or a very good
After.

King Charles the Second being in Company
with Lord Rochefour and some other Noble-
men, who had been raking all Night; Killi-
grew coming in, ſays the King, now we ſhall
hear

( 32 )

hear of our Faults. No, Faith, faith Killigrew,
I don't care to trouble my Head with that which
all the Town talks of.

A Linen-Draper being ask'd by a Woman,
how much would be sufficient to make a Shift,
told her, if she was a reasonable Woman she
might make a Shift with one Yard.

A Fellow blaming his Sweetheart, telling
her, she was false to him; she, to clear her-
felf, us'd many Imprecations, bidding him, if
it were so, to mark her End; Nay, as for that,
said he, I shall not so much mark your End, as I
shall yur Middle.

A Person, whose Talent lay in Comedy,
wanting to come upon the Stage, gave a Spe-
cimen of his Capacity to Mr. Quin, who ask'd
him if he had ever play'd any Character in
Comedy; the former answer'd Yes, he had
play'd Abel in the Alchymist, I am rather of
Opinion you play'd Cain, says Quin; for I am
certain you murder'd Abel.

A young Spark seeing a pretty Girl, said
Sweetheart, give me leave to kifs your Hands
and Feet? O lack! Sir, said she, You are in
Extremes to aim at both high and low at once; for
I have often heard there's Virtue in the Middle,
and there you may kifs ___________, and if you won't
you may let it alone.

One

( 33 )

One Mr. Aſh, who was himself a famous
Punfter in Ireland, coming into an Inn, defired
the Landlord to lend him a Hand to pull off
his Great Coat. Indeed Sir, said he, I dare
not. —Dare not? replied the other, What do
you mean by that? You know Sir, anſwered he,
there is an Act of Parliament againſt stripping of
Aſh.

Soon after the Battle of Oudenard, the Dutchefs of M—h made a Tour to Flanders. Her Grace landed at Dunkirk, where ſhe lay all Night; and in the Morning, tho' ſhe had given a great deal of Trouble in the Inn, ſhe went away, and forgot the usual Prefent to the Chambermaid. The Girl thought of an Ex-pedient to make herſelf amends, and purchaſed a Number of Phials, then filling them, care-fully cork'd, and ſeal'd them: This done, ſhe cauſed it to be rumoured abroad, that ſhe had a Quantity of the Dutchefs of M—h's Eye-Water, which her Grace, at her Departure, had put into her Hands to ſell. It was in Reality the Dutchefs of M—h's Water that ſilled the Bottles, and the Humour ſucceeded to the Girl's Wifh: The Eye-Water was bought for the Novelty by Rich and Poor, and the Cures it performed were ſo wonderful, that the Fame of it's Virtues reach'd the Dutchefs at the Engliſh Camp. Her Grace recollected her Omiſſion, and was not a little nettled at the Wench's Stratagem, but could not then help it. In her Return Home, however, ſhe lay again

( 34 )

again at the fame Inn, and as the Wench was
putting her to Bed at Night—Child, said she,
I hear you have a famous Eye Water to sell; I
have a Mind to be a Purchaser. The Girl,
quite confounded, faintly said, it was all diss
posed of. What Quantity might you have of it?
Said the Dutchefs. Only a few Dozens, replied
the Girl. Well, said the Dutchefs, prepare your
Bottles, and you may now have a larger Quantity
of the genuine Sort. The Girl was miferably
perplex'd, and could not tell what to say; but
fell into Tears, and dropping upon her Knees,
confels'd her Indiscretion, and humbly implored
her Grace's Forgiveness, promising never to
offend again in the like Manner: Nay, but
indeed, Child, said her Grace, you must make
up some for me, for I have heard an excellent
Character of its sovereign Virtues. Being affured
her Grace was in Earnest, the Girl reply'd. She
should be obey'd. In the Morning she order'd
her young Doctrefs in her own Preference to
bottle every Drop of it, to cork it up safely,
and feal it, as she had done the former; by
which she discovered that the Girl had actually
procured her Grace's Arms to her new Nostrum,
a Circumstance she had not before dreamt of.
Well, my Dear, said the Dutchefs, I find you're
a Misfits of your Trade, you make no Scruple to
counterfeit a Seal. Madam, said the Girl, you
dropt the Seal in the Room, and that put me in
the Head of it. And what might you gain, said
her Grace, by your last Supply? Fifty Livres,
reply'd the Girl. Very well, said the Dutchefs,
please

( .35 )

please to restore the Seal, and there is double that
Sum for you; putting five Louis d'Ors in her
Hand; adding with a stern Look, and a severe
Tone of Voice — Beware of Counterfeits,
Huffey.

Sir George Rooke, before he was made Admiral, had served as Captain of Marines upon their first Establishment; and being quarter'd on the Coast of Effix, where the Ague made great Havock among his Men, the Minifter of the Village where he lay, was so harrafs'd with the Duty, that he refused to bury any more of them without being paid his accustomed Fees. The Captain made no Words, but order'd the next that died to be carried to the Minifter's House, and laid upon the Table of his great Hall. This greatly embarrafs'd the poor Clergyman; who in the Fullnefs of his Heart sent the Captain Word—That if he would cause the dead Man to be taken away, he would never more dispute it with him, but would readily bury him, and his whole Company for nothing.

Sir C— M—, a Scotch Baronet, and
Member of Parliament for one of the royal
Boroughs of that Kingdom, came one Morn-
ing, according to Cuftom, to Sir Robert's
Levee, and, without the least Ceremony, laid
hold of his Ribband. Sir Robert could not
easily disengage himself, and the Baronet lugg'd
him to the Window, in which, fouling himself
down, he happened to have an Escape, which
carried

( 36 )

carried with it so loud a Report, that it threw
the whole Company into Laughter. — Very
well, Sir C—, said the Minifter, pray what
have you further to say? — Why, this it is, Sir
Robert, I owe fifteen Hundred Punds, and by
G—d, if you don't give it me, I'll e'en go To-
morrow to the Hoofe, and vote according to my
Conscience.

Joe Trefusis, an excellent Comedian, as he
was filing by the Liffy Side, near Dublin,
fome Friends of his were going in a Boat in
order to embark for England. Joe seeing them,
call'd to them to take him in, that he might
see them safe on Board. He gave his Fisning-
Rod to a Friend on Shore, to take Care of it
'till his Return; but Joe, it seems, was pre-
vail'd on by fome of his Companions to make
the Journey to London along with them, with
his Fisning-Cloaths on his Back, not a second
Shirt, and but seven Shillings in his Pocket.
His Companions left him at London, and Mr.
Wilks the Player, found him gazing at the
Dial in the Square of Covent Garden. He hardly
knew him at first, (as Mr. Wilks said) but by
his particular Gait, which was beyond Imita-
tion. When he asked him how he came there,
and in that Pickle; Hun! Ha! why Fai h,
Bobby, reply'd Joe, I only came from Dublin
to see what it was o'Clock at Covent Gard'n.

Dr. Andrews Bishop of Winchefler, and Dr.
Neal, Bishop of Durham, dining with King
James

( 37 )

James I. his Majesty said to the Bishops, my
Lord; cannot I take my Subjects Money, when I
want it, without all this Formality of Parliament?
Upon which the Bishop of Durham readily an-
swered, God forbid, Sir but you should, you are
the Breath of our Nostrils. On which, the
King turning to the Bishop of Winchester, said
—Well, my Lord, what say you? — Sir, reply'd
the Bishop. I have no Skill to judge of Parlia-
mentary Cafes. The King answered — No
put off's, my Lord, answer me pertinently. Then
Sir, added he, I think it's lawful for you to take
my Brother Neal's Money, for he offers it.

Joe Trefusis the Comedian, entered a Volun-
teer on board the Ship the Duke of York com-
manded in the Channel, in that memorable Sea-
Engagement with the Dutch Fleet, commanded
(he us'd to fay) by Van Tromp. When Prepa-
rations were making for the Battle — Joe tho'
a Volunteer, confers'd, Fear began to invade
him; but when the Man at the Top-maft-head
cry'd, a Sail! then two Sails! and after, Z —s
a whole Wood! Joe's Terrors augmented: But
his Fears came to the full Height, when a Sailor
asked him—If he had not performed on the Stage?
Joe reply'd in the Affirmative. Why then, re-
ply'd the blunt Tar, To-morrow, if you are not
killed with the first Broadside, by G—d you will
see the deepest and bloodiest Tragedy you ever saw
in your Life.

E

Mr.

( 38 )

Mr. Joe, a Person noted for his Humour and genteel Addrefs, but inclined to be a little too free upon some Occasions, happened to dine one Day at the Tavern, and to fit next a Gentleman, who had his Hair tied up in a Knot. This was too fair an Occasion to misf, tho' the Gentleman was a Stranger to him, and so lifting up the Lock, and playing with it in his Hands, *Is this Lock upon human Understanding, Sir, said Joe?* The Gentleman looked sternly at him, and in Wrath was pulling out his Sword, when the Glittering of the Blade fo terrified our Punfter, that it filled him with Compunction. Down he dropt upon his Knees, and with a Tone of Voice that raised both Mirth and Pity—*Pray Sir, don't be angry, I meant no Harm, indeed I didn't*—*I never mean any Thing, I am the noted Fool of F—t—t, and every Body knows I mean Nothing.*

At the Masquerade in the Hay-Market, one
appearing in the Habit of a Bifhop, another for
the Jeft's Sake, bow'd his Knee to aft Bleffing.
The former laying his Hand on his Head, very
demurely, faid — *Prithee rife, there's nothing
in't, indeed, Friend.*

A Scholar of Dr. Busby's coming into a
Parlour where the Doctor had laid down a fine
Bunch of Grapes for his own Eating, takes it
up, and says aloud—*I publish the Banns between
these Grapes and my Mouth; if any one knows
any just Cause or Impediment why these two
should
not*

( 39 )

not be joined together, let them declare it. The
Doctor being but in the next Room, overheard
all that was said, and coming into the School,
he ordered the Boy, who had eaten his Grapes
to be hors'd; but before he proceeded to the
usual Discipline, he cried out aloud, as the
Delinquent had done—*I publish the Banns
between my Rod and this Boy's Breech, if any one
knows any just Cause or Impediment why these two
should not be joined together, let them declare it.
I forbid the Banns, cried the Boy, *Why so?* said
the Doctor. Because the Parties are not agreed,
replied the Boy. Which Answer so pleased the
Doctor, that he ordered the Boy to be set down.*

The famous Tony Lee, a Player in King
Charles the Second's Reign, being kill'd in a
Tragedy, having a violent Cold, could not
forbear coughing as he lay dead upon the Stage,
which occasioned a good deal of Laughter and
Noife in the House, he lifted up his Head, and
speaking to the Audience, said, This makes
good what my poor Mother was used to tell me;
for she would often say, that *I should cough in
my Grave, because I used to drink in my Porridge.*
This fet the House in such good Humour, that
it produced a thundering Clap, and made every
one very readily pardon the *Solecism* he before
had committed.

A young Lady of a pretty high Spirit, just
upon the Point of Marriage, told her Gallant
that she could never bring herself to say *obey,*

E 2

and

( 40 )

and was resolved she would not. When the
Ceremony was performing, she kept her Word,
and cried Honour and Bey: Nay Madam, said
the Parfon, you must say Obey. Let her alone,
Doctor, said the Hufband, let her say Bey now,
if she will, I warrant I'll make her cry O at
Night.

Dr. M—d coming out of Tom's Coffee-House, an impudent broken Apothecary met him at the Door, and accosted him with a Request that he would lend him five Guineas: Sir, said the Doctor, I am surprized that you should apply to me for such a Favour, who don't know you! Oh! dear Sir, reply'd the Apothecary, it is for that very Reason; for those who do, won't lend me a Farthing.

The Reverend Doctor — coming from Holland with the K—g, a terrible Storm arising, the Ship was in great Danger of being lost—the good Doctor being under inexpresstible Anxiety, asked the Captain what he thought of the Danger? — Oh, by G—d, said he, we shall be in Heaven in half an Hour—God forbid! replied the Doctor.

A Gentleman seeing a Picture hang at a
Lady's Watch, of her deceased Hufband, who
was thought to have haftened his End by his
Intemperance in connubial Joys, said, It was
barous in her to hang him in Chains so near
the Place of Execution.

Some

( 41 )

Some Years ago, a Son of G—n the Jew,
was on the Point of being married to a Chrif-
tian: The Father had no Objection to the Re-
ligion of the Lady, but to the Smallneſs of her
Fortune; the Son peremptorily told him, he
would marry the Lady, and if he was refus'd a
proper Share of Wealth, he would turn Chrif-
tian, and then he ſhould be intitled by Law to
half of his Poſſeffions. At this Anſwer G—n
was greatly confounded, and resolved to apply
to Counſel, to know whether there was any
fuch Law—the Counſellor replied that there
was, and that his Son, upon turning Chrifarian
would obtain half his Fortune; but if you'll
make me a Present of ten Guineas, added he,
I'll put you in a Way to disappoint him, and the
graceleſs Dog ſhall not be able to obtain a Farthing.
At this G—n's Hopes revived, and pulling
ten Guineas out of his Pocket, inſantly clapp'd
them into the Lawyer's Hand, expresſing his
Impatience to know how he was to proceed;
when the Counſellor returned with a Smile—
You have nothing to do Mr. G—n, but to
turn Chriflian yourself.

Sir, John T—v—r, who for some Misde-
meanor had been expelled from Parliament,
one Day meeting with Archbifhop T—t—n
cry'd—I hate to see an Atheist in the Shape of a
Churchman—And I, replied the good Bifhop,
hate to see a Knave in any Shape.

E 3

A cer-

( 42 )

A certain Captain, who had made a greater
Figure than his Fortune cou'd well support,
and the Regiment not being paid as was ex-
pected, was forc'd to put off a great Part of
his Equipage; a few Days after, as he was
walking by the Road Side, he saw one of his
Soldiers sitting louf-g himself under an Hedge:
What are you doing there? Tom, said the Offi-
cer. Why faith, Sir, anſwer'd the Soldier, I
am following your Example; getting rid of Part
of my Retinue.

A young Woman in France, whose Brother
had embrac'd the Protestant Religion, was con-
victed of having a Baftard Child, and oblig'd
to do public Penance. The Prieſt, after a ſe-
vere Reprimand, warn'd her, that as ſhe had
made a Reparation for her own Crime, ſhe
ſhould never fall into her Brother's. Oh! Sir,
said ſhe, I would rather commit my own Fault a
thouſand Times, than be once guilty of my Bro-
th'r's.

An honest Highlander, walking along Hol-
born, heard a Voice cry Rogue, Scot, Rogue,
Scot; his northern Blood, fir'd at the Infult,
and drawing his broad Sword, he look'd round
him on every Side to discover the Object of his
Indignation; at laſt he found that it came from
a Parrot, perch'd in a Balcony within his Reach:
But the generous Scot, difdaining to ſtain his
truly Blade with such ignoble Blood, put up
his Sword again with a four Smile, ſaying—
Gin

( 43 )

Gin ye you were a Mon, as ye're a green Geuſe, I
would ſplit your Weem.

Mr. T—s C—r, the Comedian, com-
ing one Day to his Father, begg'd he would
let him have one hundred Pounds, which would
make him perfectly eafy in his Affairs. Why,
The, said the Father, it is very ſtrange you
can't live upon your Salary, your Benefit and
other Advantages: When I was of your Age,
I never ſpent any of my Father's Money. I
don't know that, anſwer'd the Son, but I am
ſure you have ſpent a great many hundred Pounds
of my Father's Money.

My Lord B— having by his Extrava-
gancies, run himself over Head and Ears in
Debt, and feeming very little concern'd about
it; one of his Friends took the Liberty of telling
his Lordship one Day, that he wonder'd how
he could ſleep quietly in his Bed, whilſt he was
ſo much in Debt. For my Part, said his Lord-
ship, I ſleep very well; but I wonder how my
Creditors can.

Two Fellows meeting, one aſk'd the other,
why he look'd ſo ſad? I have very good Rea-
ſon for it, anſwer'd the other; poor Jack—,
the greatest Croney and Friend I had in the
World, was hang'd but two Days ago. What
had he done? said the firſt, Alas! reply'd the
other, he did no more than you or I might have
done on the like Occafion, he found a Bridle
on—

( 44 )

on the Road and took it up. What, answer'd
the other, hang a Man for taking a Bridle!
That's hard indeed. To tell you the Truth of the
Matter, said the other, there was a Horse tied
to the other End of it.

Maclean, who was a famous Highwayman,
and at length suffered for his Robberies, was
likewise as famous for gaining the Hearts of the
Women, being a smart dapper Fellow: After
his Death, he had this Epitaph beſtowed on
him:

Here lies Maclean:—Reader, if Male thou
art,
Look to thy Purſe,—if Female to thy Heart:
Much Havock he has made in both;—for all
The Men he made to ſtand,—the Women fall.

Some Persons talking of a fine Lady that had
many Suitors; Well, ſays one of them, you
may talk of this great Man, and that great Man,
of this Lord, and t'other Knight; but I know
a Fellow without a Foot of Eſtate, that will
carry her before them all. Phoo, d— me, that's
impossible, ſays another, unless you mean her
Ladyship's Coachman.

A Person having two extravagant Sons, the
one robb'd him of his Money, and t'other of
his Goods: His Neighbour coming to condole
with him, told him; He might ſue the County,
for he had been robbed between Son and Son.

Mr.

( 45 )

Mr. J.—speaking to the Earl of C.—d
of the false Tafte of several Persons of Qua-
lity, and their Ignorance in many Things that
they pretend to understand: Why, said my Lord,
most of our People of Quality judge of every Thing
by their Ears but the Opera, and that they go to
ſee.

A Farmer who had a very great Name in the
Country for his Dexterity in manly Exercifes,
fuch as Wreſtling, throwing the Bar, and the
like, drew upon himſelf many Occafions to try
his Skill with ſuch as came far and near to chal-
lenge him: Among the reſt, a conceited Fellow
rode a great Way to viſit this Champion; and
being told, that he was in his Ground behind
the Houſe, he alighted and walked with his
Horſe in his Hand, 'till he came where he found
him at Work; ſo hanging his Horſe upon the
Pales, he accoſted him thus: That having heard
much of his Fame, he was come forty Miles
to try a Fall with him. The Champion, with-
out more Words, came up to him, and cloſing
with him, took him upon ſuch an advantageous
Lock, that he pitched him clear over the Pales;
then, with a great deal of Unconcern, took up
his Spade and fell to Work again. The Fel-
low getting upon his Legs, as nimble as he
could, called to ſpeak with him. Well, ſays
the Champion, have you any more to ſay to me?
No, no, replied the Fellow, only to deſire you
would be ſo kind as to throw my Horſe after me.

A. Per-

( 46 )

A Person advising a Lady in Town, to mar-
ry a Country Gentleman; to recommend the
Match in the stronger Terms, told her it would
be more convenient for her, because his Con-
cerns in the Country join'd to her's—Ay, says
the Lady, but his Concerns shall never join to mine
in the City.

A young Gentleman, playing at Questions
and Commands with some very pretty young
Ladies, was commanded to take off a Garter
from one of them; but she, as soon as he had
laid hold of her Petticoats, ran away into the
next Room, where was a Bed: Now Madam,
said he, tripping up her Heels, I bar squeaking,
Bar the Door, you Fool, cry'd she.

A Lady seeing a Gentleman dance, found
Fault with him, and said he straddled too much.
Oh! Madam, reply'd the Gallant, if you had
that between your Legs that I have, you would
straddle a great deal more, I dare say.

A Gentleman talking of the four Elements,
expres'd great Admiration at the Creation of
Water. Lord Sir, says a merry Lady, there's
nothing so very curious in that, for I can make
Water.

A Person not belonging to King's College, put
his Horfe in a Field belonging thereto, being
warn'd of so doing, and he taking no Notice
thereof, the Mafter of that College sent his
Man

( 47 )

Man to him, bidding him say, if he continued
his Horfe there, he would cut off his Tail.
Say you so, said the Person, Go tell your Ma-
fter, if he cuts off my Horfe's Tail, I will cut
off his Ears. The Servant returning, told his
Mafter what he said: Whereupon he was sent
back to bring the Person to him; who appear-
ing, said the Mafter, How now. Sir, what
mean you by that Menace you sent me: Sir, said
the other, I threaten you not, for I only said, if
you cut off my Horfe's Tail, I would cut off his
Ears.

In the Rebellion in the Year 1715, when a
diligent Search was making for the Earl of Der-
wentwater, in order to bring him to Justice for
his treasonable Practices, he was supposed to be
concealed in some Chambers in the Temple;
whereupon the Mafter of the Temple order'd
ftrict Search to be made in every Corner, by
the two Porters of the Temple, and other pro-
per Officers. Upon this they went to work,
and in the midft of their Search they found a
Gentleman's Chambers shut, which they im-
mediately burft open; going in his Bed-Room,
they saw him getting out of his Bed, stark
naked, crying out, For Heaven's Sake Gentle-
men, what do you mean? What Authority have
you to break open my Door? What is your Busines
here? They answered, they were come in Search
of the Earl of Derwentwater.—The Templar
affured them he was not there; but they would
not believe him; for one of them said he saw
somet-

( 48 )

Somebody in the Bed; and infifted upon feeing
who it was.—This put him into a strange Con-
fusion, for he had the Head-Porter's Wife in
his Bed; and how to prevent being discovered,
he could not tell, at length a lucky Thought
came into his Head, and he pulled all the Bed-
Cloaths from her, from the Middle downwards,
and what they saw was sufficient to convince
them that it was not the Earl of Derwentwater;
nor was the Head Porter wife enough to know,
by her Pafteriors, that it was his Wife; nor
had he the least Suspicion of it; but each, after
peeping a little while, and grinning at the
venerable Sighr, made their Exit, and seem'd
very well satisfied.

An arch Boy being at a Table, where there
was a piping-hot Apple-Pye, putting a Bit in-
to his Mouth, burnt it so that the Tears ran
down his Cheeks. A Gentleman that fat by,
afk'd him why he wept? Only, said he, becaufe
it is juſt come into my Remembrance that my poor
Grandmother died this Day twelve Months. Phoo!
fays the other, is that all? So whipping a large
Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathized
with the Boy, who feeing his Eyes brim full,
with a malicious Sneer, afk'd him why he
wept? A pox on you, said he, becaufe you were
not hang'd you young Dog, the fame Day your
Grandmother died.

An old Woman, who had a handsome
Daughter, caught one John Turner in Bed
with

2

( 49 )

with her, in the very Fact, and cry'd out in a
difmal Tone, Oh! John Turner, John Tur-
ner; No, no, Dame, says he, she lies very well
as she is.

A drunken Fellow having fold all his Goods
to maintain himſelf at his Pot, except his Bed,
at laſt made away with that too; when being
reprov'd for it by ſome of his Friends, to him,
said he, I am very well, thank God, and why
I should I keep my Bed.

A Gentleman ſaid of a kind Girl, who con-
ſtantly ply'd about the Temple, " That if she
" had as much Law in her Head, as she had
" in her Tail, ſhe wou'd be one of the ableſt
" Council in England."

Three Citizens walking in the Fields, one
faid, we ſhall have a great Year of Black-Berries,
for laſt Week I pluck'd a handful of the fineſt
red Black-Berries I ever beheld: A ſecond in
Company laugh'd at him, ſaying, Red Black-
Berries is a Bull: But the third, with much
Gravity, juſtified what the former had ſaid,
afking very fagely, if Black-Berries were not
always red when they were green.

A pert Coxcomb in Company with Dean
Swift, r'ling from his Chair, ſaid ſaucily,
Know Mr. Dean, I ſet up for a Wit; Oh! do
you ſo? ſays the Dean, then take my Advice
and I ſet down again.

F

A Gen-

( 50 )

A Gentleman sitting by Mrs. W—f—n at
Lord Lovat's Trial, pointed at F—y M—y:
Oh! says she, I suppose Fanny has her Eye upon
the whole House of Commons. And I dare an-
fuer for her, reply'd the Gentleman, if she has,
her Eye's no ligger than her Belly.

A Company of Gamesters at A—'s, falling
out, gave one another scurvy Language, and
feconded it with a Shower of Bottles and Glaffles,
one of which happening to hit the Wainscot,
brought the Drawer in, who cry'd, Do you call,
Gentlemen? Call Gentlemen! says one of the
Standers-by, No; they don't call Gentlemen, but
they call one another Rogue and Rafcal as faft as
they can.

A Gentleman happening to turn up againft
a House to make Water, two young Ladies
looking out of a window close by, giggled
aloud, upon which, looking up, he ask'd what
made them so merry? O Lord! reply'd one of
them, a little Thing will make us laugh.

A Citizen's Wife being in the Country, and
feeing a Goose that had many Gosflings—
How is it possible, said she, that one Goose should
fuckle so many Gosflings?

A Person feeing his Son do Milchief, cry'd
out in great Passion—Sirrah! Did you ever fee
me do so when I was a Boy?

A

( 51 )

A Custom-house Officer at Liverpool, run-
ning carelesely along the Ship's Gunnel, hap-
pen'd to fall over-board and was drown'd.
The Coroner's Jury sat upon the Body, and
brought in their Verdict Felo de se, upon which
an Alderman, who heard it, said, shaking his
Noddle, he fell into the Sea sure enough.

A very fine Lady being afflicted with the
Gout, ask'd Dr. A— what was the Cause of
that Distemper? Whoring and Drinking, Ma-
dam, answer'd he.

Two Brothers being to be executed at Ty-
burn, the eldeft was turn'd off without speaking
one Word. The other began to harangue
the Crowd, who expected an ample Confeftion
from him: Good People, says he, my Brother
hangs before my Face; you see what a lamentable
Spectacle he makes; in a few Moments, I shall
be turn'd off too, and then you will see a Pair of
Spectacles.

A wife Mayor and his Lady, went out of
Curiosity to see an Ape; as soon as they en-
ter'd the Room, the Ape catch'd at Madam,
and made Mouths at her; upon which Mr.
Mayor was very angry, and told the Ape, he
was an unmannerly Gentleman, to mock an antient
Woman, as his Wife was, and one old enough to
be his Mother.

F 2

Two

( 52 )

Two conceited young Coxcombs riding from
London to Uxbridge, and seeing a Miller on
Horleback in the Road before them, were re-
solved to be merry at his Expence; so they
rode up, one on each Side, saying, Miller,
pray tell us, which art thou, more Knave or Fool?
Truly, said he, I don't know; but I believe I am
between both.

A Gentleman, remarkably fond of Intelli-
gence, meeting a Courtier, afk'd what News?
Why Sir, reply'd he, there are forty thoufand
Men risen to day; to what End, said the firft,
and what do they intend ? Why to go to Bed at
Night, anfwer'd he.

A forward young Girl having been debauch-
ed, her Father apply'd to Council, to know
whether an Action wou'd not lie between his
Daughter and her Gallant, Go home, honest
Friend, reply'd the Barrifter, I find there has
been already too much Action between them.

A Lady telling her Servant, she had over-
thrown her Adversary—Ay! said the Servant,
he took the wrong Sow by the Ear, when he meddled
with your Ladyship.

One having a Kinfwoman come out of the
Country, that was never at London before, in-
vited her abroad, and having ſhew'd her the
Tombs at Westminſter-Abbey, came with her to
the King's Chapel, where the Organ was play-
ing,

( 53 )

ing, and entering in, he took her by the Hand
to lead her to a convenient Seat; but she held
back, saying, indeed, Cousin, you muſt excufe
me, I cannot dance.

A ſmart Fellow croſſing a late King in his
Hunting, he rides after him with his Sword
drawn: Pray, Sir, ſays he, do not knight me
before my elder Brother is dead, for I am but a
younger Brother! Which turn'd the King's Fury
into a Fit of Laughter.

A Welfbman, in heat of Blood, challeng'd
an Englishman at Sword and Buckler; but the
Englishman giving him a Blow on the Leg,
which vex'd him, he threw down his Weapon,
fswearing, Splut, was not hur Buckler broad
enough, but hur muſt hit hur on the Leg.

One, who had always been very jocofe in
his Life-time, when he lay on his Death-Bed,
his Clerk came and deſired he would leave him
a Legacy: Here, said he, giving him a Key,
in ſuch a Drawer, there is what will make you
drink. Not many Hours after, he died, and
the Youth greedily opening the Drawer, found
accordingly two Red Herrings.

A Welftman ſeeing his Maſter tearing some
Letters, Pray, Sir, give hur one, ſays he, no
matter which, to ſend to hur Friends, for they
have not heard from hur a great while.

F 3

King

( 54 )

King Charles the Second, and the Duke of Ormond discouraging of the prettiest Women of the several Countries, says the King to the Duke, *My Lord, you have very pretty Women in Ireland, but they have great Legs. O, that's nothing, please you my Liege, we lay them aside.*

John Taylor the Water-poet, being on board the Ship Hector, the Captain making him merry with Punch, he began to be very poetical, and saluted the Captain with these Lines;

*Most noble Hector, and thou Son of Priam,
I wish thou wer't but half so drunk as I am.*

A Man complaining to his Friend, that his Wife's Drunkenness and ill Conduct had almost ruin'd him, concluded as the Vulgar usually do; and for Goodness sake, what's to be said for it? Nothing, that I know, says his Friend, can be said for it, but much against it.

A grave noble Peer made a Visit one Morning to the honourable John Spur, who received him fitting in an Elbow-Chair, quite naked. There were loud Complaints made in the Town of the Indecency of the Action, besides the Disrespect shewn to a Person of such high Quality: Mr. Spur said, that he thought he had paid his Lordship's greatest Compliment, by receiving him in his Birth day Suit.

Some

( 55 )

Some Thieves met a Man, robb'd him, and bound him in a Wood; a little after, they met with another, bound him also, and laid him on the other Side of the Hedge; then one of 'em cry'd out, saying, I am undone, I am undone! The other hearing him say so, pray'd him, that he would come and undo him too.

A Fellow flood staring at a Lady in a Balcony, at which she retir'd; says he, *What, does the Sun offend you, Madam? Yes, says she, the Son of your Father and Mother.*

A handsome young Gentlewoman, of a good Family and small Fortune, was aff'd, why she did not apply to be a Maid of Honour? after'd, *That because she cou'dn't push for it.*

One of the Ambassadors from Morocco, having never seen Snow till he came to England, and observing (when it snow'd) that the Boys gather'd it up in their Hands, said, *It is no wonder the English were so fair, since they wash'd themselves in white Rain.*

A young Fellow in the Country, after having an Affair with a Girl in the Neighbourhood, cry'd, *What shall we do, Bels, if you prove with Child! O very well, said she, for I am to be married To-morrow.*

A certain Country Justice, remarkable for incredible Stories, was telling a Londoner, who happen'd

( 56 )

happen'd to dine at a Market-Town with him,
of a Turnip which grew in one of his Fields,
that five Sheep had eat their Way into, and
liv'd in it during the Winter. The Citizen,
in his Turn, said he could tell him of as won-
derful a Thing as that; not long before he left
the Town, Busineſs call'd him to White-Chapel,
where he pafs'd by a Brazier's, who was mak-
ing a Copper, which was so very large, that
though four and twenty Men were at work upon
it, they could not hear each other hammer the
Rivets. What the Devil can that be for, ſays
his Worſhip? why to boil your Turnip in, ſays
the other.

A Gentleman ſaying one Day at Table, that
he could not endure a Breaſt of Mutton: You
faid so the other Day, cry'd another, of a
Breaſt of Veal. Very truly, anſwer'd the firſt,
I do not love the Breaſt of any Thing but of a
Woman, and that goes againſt my Stomach.

Two Gentlemen disputing about Religion in
Button's Coffee-Houſe, ſaid one of them, I
wonder, Sir, you ſhould talk of Religion,
when I'll hold you five Guineas you can't ſay
the Lord's Prayer: Done, ſaid the other, and
Sir Richard Steele here ſhall hold Stakes. The
Money being depoſited, the Gentleman began
with I believe in God, and ſo went cleverly
through the Creed: Well, ſaid the other, I own
I have left; but I did not think he could have
ſaid it.

6 A

( 57 )

A Country Farmer going croſs his Grounds
in the Dufk of the Evening, eſpy'd a young
Spark and his Laſs very busy near a Five bar
Gate, in one of his Fields, and calling to them
to know what they were about, ſaid the young
Man, No Harm, Farmer, we are only going to
prop-a Gate.

Some waggisb Scholars walking out one Day
from the University of Oxford, eſpy'd a poor
Fellow near Abingdon, aſleep in a Ditch, with
an Aſs by him laden with Earthen Ware,
holding the Bridle in his Hand; ſays one of
the Scholars to the reſt, if you'll affiſt me, I'll
help you to a little Money, for you know we are
bare at preſent: They immediately conſented:
Why then, ſaid he, we'll go and ſell this old
Fellow's Aſs at Abingdon; for you know the
Fair is To-morrow, and we ſhall meet with
Chapmen enough; therefore, do you take the
Panniers off, and put them on my Back, and
that Bridle over my Head, and then lead the
Aſs to Market, and let me alone with the old
Man. This being done accordingly, in a little
Time after, the poor Man waking, was
ſtrangely ſurpriz'd to ſee his Aſs thus metamor-
phos'd: Oh! for G-d's Sake, ſaid the Scho-
lar, take this Bridle out of my Mouth, and this
Load from off my Back. Z-ns! how
came you here, reply'd the old Man? Why,
ſaid he, my Father, who is a Necromancer,
upon an idle Thing I did to diſoblige him,
transform'd me into an Aſs; but now his Heart
has

( 58 )

has relented, and I am come to my own Shape
again, I beg you will let me go Home and
thank him: By all means, said the Crockery-
Merchant. I don't desire to have any Tning
to do with Conjuration; and so set the Scholar
at Liberty, who went directly to his Comrades,
that by this Time were making merry with the
Money they had sold the Afs for: But the old
Fellow was forc'd to go the next Day to seek
for a new one in the Fair, and after having
look'd on several, his own was shewn him for
a very good one: Oh! oh! said he, what!
have he and his Father quarrell'd again already?
No, no, I'll have nothing to say to him.

When Oliver Cromwell first coined his Mo-
ney, an old Cavalier looking upon one of the
new Pieces, read this Inscription on one Side,
God with us: On the other, the Commonwealth
of England. I see, said he, God and the Com-
monwealth are on different Sides.

A poor Gentleman, who was so often pull'd
by the Sleeve by the Bailiffs, that he was in
continual Apprehension of them, going one
Day through Taviflock-street, his Coat Sleeve,
as he was swinging it along in a Hurry, hap-
pen'd to hitch upon the Iron Spike of one of
the Rails; whereupon he immediately turn'd
about, in a great Surprize, and cry'd out—
At whose Suit, Sir, at whose Suit?

An

( 59 )

An Irishman having a Looking-Glass in his
Hand, shut his Eyes, and plac'd it before his
Face; another asking him why he did so ?
Upon my Shoul, says Teague, it is to see how
I look when I am asleep.

One of the late Kings was riding a hunting,
and coming to a Gate which he must go thro'
seeing a Country Clown at it, said, prithee,
Fellow, open the Gate? The Fellow knowing
who he was, said, No, and please your Grace,
I am not worthy of that Office, but I will run
and tell Mr. Holt, who is a Justice of Peace,
two Miles off, and he shall come and open it for
your Grace. So he ran away, and left the King
to open the Gate himself.

A Welshman hearing a Malefactor, that was
tried before him, say, concerning a Mare he
had stole, that he had brought it up from a Colt :
When he came to be examined about a Sword
he had stolen, strow by St. Davey, it was hur
own, for hur had brought it up from a Dagger.

A Countess coming into the Dressing-Room
of her Daughter, a young Lady about four-
teen, while she was at her Toilet, and observ-
ing her very busy in fetting her Person off to
the best Advantage, (herself being in full Dres,
and richly adorn'd with Jewels,) ask'd the Girl,
what she would give to be as fine as her Mam-
ma? To which Miss reply'd, not quite so much

as

( 60 )

as your Ladyship would give to be as young as
I am.

Killigrew was a Man of very great Humour,
and frequently diverted King Charles the Se-
cond, by his lively Spirit of Mirth and Drollery.
He was frequently, and had often Acces to
King Charles, when it was denied the firſt
Peers of the Realm: Among many other merry
Stories, the following is related of Killigrew,
Charles the Second, who hated Buſineſs as much
as he lov'd Pleasure, would often diſappoint the
Council, by withdrawing his royal Prefence
when they were met, by which their Buſineſs
was conſequently delay'd, and many of the
Council were much offended by the Diſreſpect
ſhewn them. It happen'd one Day, while the
Council were met, and had ſat some Time in
Expectation of his Majefly, that the Duke of
L-d-ale, who was a furious ungovernable
Man, quitted the Room in a Paſſion, and ac-
cidentally met with Killigrew, to whom he ex-
preſs'd himſelf irreverently of the King: Kil-
ligrew bid his Grace be calm, for he would lay
a Wager of an hundred Pounds, that he would
make his Majefly come to Council in leſs than half
an Hour. L-d-ale, being a little heated,
took him at his Word: Killigrew went to the
King, and without Ceremony told him what
had happen'd, adding, I know your Majefly
hates L-d-ale, tho' the Necessity of your Affairs
obliges you to behave civilly to him; now if you
would get rid of a Man you hate, come to the
Council,

( 61 )

Council, for L-d-ale is so very ambitious, that
rather than pay the hundred Pounds loſt in this
Wager, he will hang himſelf, and never plague
you more. The King was pleas'd with the
Archneſs of this Obſervation, and anſwer'd,
then, Killigrew, I'll poſitively go: And accord-
ingly he went.

* When the firſt Report of the H—n
Convention was made to the glorious King of
P—ſſia, one of his Officers lamented in his
Prefence, that he was thereby render'd deſtitute
of all Allies: Not so, reply'd the magnanimous
Hero, Courage Man! I have a faithful one ſill
left, and that is Winter.

* After the *French* were defeated at *Rofbach*,
by the King of *P—ſſia*, and ſuffer'd, in Con-
sequence, a continu'd Series of Misfortunes, a
general Murmur ran through the Officers of
the *French* Forces, as well as the common
Men, One of the Prince *de Soubife's* Courtiers
faid to the Prince with a heavy Brow: *See, Sir,*
the Conſquence of your never going to Mafs; to
this we muſt impute all our Misfortunes. Do you
think then, reply'd the Prince contemptuouſly,
that our Enemy, the King of P—ſſia, goes to
Mafs oftener than I ?

King William was known and acknowledg'd
by his Enemies to be a Prince of real Courage.

* For the Use of the Dauphin.

G

An

( 62 )

An Incident to prove it happen'd to him after
the Battle of the Boyne in Ireland; where tho'
he had eſcap'd the Danger of a Cannon-Ball,
which graz'd his Shoulder, and of a Muſket-
Ball, that ſtruck the Heel of his Boot, as he ſat
on Horseback, yet when the Enemy was put to
the Rout, he was in far greater Danger from
one of his own Men, who miſtaking him for
an Adverſary, came up to him with his Piftol
cock'd, and preſented it to his Breaſt to ſhoot
him; but the King, with all the Indifference
in the World, gently put by his Piftol, and
only ſaid, *what! don't you know your Friends?*

When Mr. W—It belong'd to Drury-
Lane Play-houſe, he us'd, in the Summer-
Seafon, to go into the Country with his Fa-
mily, to play in Lincolnſhire, where he was
born. Being at Grantham, his Son was taken
ill, which oblig'd him to excufe himſelf to Mr.
Wilks for a few Days, because he was at the Point
of Death. The very Night this Letter was
wrote, the Son, in all Appearance, expir'd,
was ſtrip'd and waſh'd, the Bed taken away,
and he laid upon a Mat, with a Baſon of Salt
plaç'd on his Stomach, according to the Cuſtom
of the Country: The Parents remov'd to ano-
ther Lodging; the Coffin was ſent into the
Deceafed's Chamber, and the Windows were
all ſet open. About Ten at Night, a Perſon
was ſent with a Light to watch the Corpſe.
When the open'd the Door, poor Bob appear'd
fitting up, with his Teeth chattering in his
Head

( 63 )

Head, as well they might, with Cold. The
Woman, in her Fright, dropp'd the Candle,
and ſcream'd out, the Devil! the Devil! Poor
Bob, with much ado, made a Shift to get from
the Bed, and taking up the Candle, which lay
upon the Floor unextinguſhed, was creeping
to the Door, to call for Affiſtance, which the
Woman perceiving ſcream'd out again — a
Ghoſt, a Ghoſt! the Devil, the Devil! The
Maſter of the Houſe hearing this Uproar, ran
himſelf to know the Reaſon; where poor Bob
and he ſoon came to a right Understanding.
He was immediately put into a warm Bed, and
in a few Days after, was in London, telling the
Story of his own Death.

Sir Charles W-ger, as is common, with Per-
fons who have great perſonal Courage, and but
little Learning, had a ſovereign Contempt of
Physicians; tho' a Surgeon in ſome Cafes, he
believed, might be of good Service. It hap-
pened that Sir Charles was attacked by a Fever,
while he was out upon a Cruife, and the Sur-
geon prevailed upon him to loofe a little Blood,
and ſuffer a Blifter to be laid upon his Back,---
By-and-by it was thought neceſſary to lay on
another Blifter, and repeat the Bleeding, to
which Sir Charles also conſented; the Symp-
toms then abated, and the Surgeon told him,
that he muſt now ſwallow a few Boluſes and
take a few Draughts: No, Doctor, ſays Sir
Charles, you ſhall batter my Hulk as long as you
will; but, d—n you, you ſhan't board me.

G 2

Harlequin

( 64 )

Harlequin Lun, one Night, got into a Hackney Coach, and ordered the Man to drive him to the Sun Tavern in Clare Market. It happened that as the Fellow was driving by the Window, Lun perceiv'd it to be open, and threw himself out of the Coach into the Room; the Coachman drove up to the House, and getting from his Box, open'd the Coach-Door, and let down the Step—then, taking off his Hat, he waited some Time expecting his Fare to alight, but at last looking in and seeing it empty, he bestowed a few hearty Curses, remounted his Box, turned about, and was driving the same Way back: As he passed the Window, Lun watched the Opportunity, and again threw himself into the Coach—he then looked out, and calling to the Coachman, asked where the Devil he was going, and bid him turn about— The Fellow, tho' greatly surprized, obeyed, and set him down at the Tavern Door. When Lun got out, he offered him his Fare—No, says the Man, and when he had mounted his Box, That won't do,— I know you too well for all your Shoes; and so Mr. Devil, good Night.

A Gentleman named Ball, being about to purchase a Cornecy in a Regiment of Horse, was presented to the Colonel for Approbation, who being a Nobleman, declared he did not like the Name, and would have no Balls in his Regiment, No, nor Powder neither, said the Gentleman, if your Lordship could help it.

Two

( 65 )

Two City Ladies meeting at a Visit, one a Grocer's Wife, and the other a Cheesemonger's (who perhaps bought more upon the Pun et ilio's of Precedence, than some of their Betters would have done at the Court End of the Town,) when they had risen up, and taken their Leave, the Cheesemonger's Wife advanced to go out first, but the Grocer's Lady, with great Indignation, pulled her back by the Tail of her Gown, and stepping before her, said— Hold, Madam, nothing comes after Cheefe.

In a Country Village, it happened that the 'Squire of the Parish's Lady came after her Lying-in to be churched. The poor Parson aiming to be complaisant, and thinking plain Woman too familiar; instead of saying—O Lord save this Woman! Said, O Lord save this Lady! The Clerk resolving not to be behind Hand with his reverend Master, answered—Who putteth her Ladyship's Trust in thee?

A Country Fellow being call'd as an Evidence in a Court of Judicature, in a Caufe where the Terms of Mortgager and Mortgagee were frequently used; Judge P—, asked him if he knew the Difference between Mortgager and Mortgagee. Yes, said he, it is the fame as between the Nodder and the Noddee: How is that reply'd my Lord Judge. Why you fit there, said the Clown, and I nod at you; then I am the Nodder, and your Lordship is the Noddee.

G 3

A

'( 66 )

A Sharper of the Town, seeing a Country
Gentleman fit alone at an Inn, and thinking
something might be made of him, went and
fat near him. Having thus introduced himself,
he call'd for a Paper of Tobacco, and said, do
you smoke, Sir? Yes, said the Gentleman very
gravely, any one that has a Design upon me.

A Gentleman in the Country who had three
Daughters, discouraging one Evening on rural
Affairs, and the Nature of Vegetation, ask'd
one of them what Plant or Herb she thought
grew fasteft? The young Lady reply'd—
*Afsaragus*. Then he ask'd the secon'd, she an-
swered a *Pampion*, and when the same Queftion
was put to the youngest, she reply'd, the *Pom-
mel of a Saddle*; which greatly surprizing the
old Gentleman, he defired to know what she
meant, and how she could make it out? Why,
faid she, when I was once riding behind our
John, and the Roads being so rough, that I
was afraid I should fall off, he cry'd—*Mifi,
put your Hand round my Waist*, and lay hold of
the Pomel of the Saddle; and I am sure, Papa,
when I firft took hold of it, it was no bigger
than my little Finger; and in lefs than a Minute,
it was thicker than my Wrift.

Mr. *Savage*, was once defired by Sir *Richard Steele*, with an Air of the utmoft Importance, to come very early to his House in the Morning; Mr. *Savage* came as he had promifed, found the Chariot at the Door, and Sir *Richard* waiting

( 67 )

waiting ready to go into it. What was intend-
ed, and whither they were to go, *Savage* could
not conjecture, and was not willing to enquire,
but immediately feating himself with Sir Ri-
chard; the Coachman was ordered to drive,
and they hurried with the utmoft Expedition to
*Hyde-Park-Corner*, where they Stopt at a petty
Tavern, and retired to a private Room. Sir
Richard then informed him, that he intended
to publish a Pamphlet, and that he had defired
him to come thither that he might write for
him. They soon fat down to the Work; Sir
Richard dictated, and *Savage* wrote 'till the
Dinner that had been ordered was put upon
the Table. *Savage* was surprized at the Mean-
nefs of the Entertainment, and after some
Hesitation ventured to ask for Wine, which
Sir Richard not without Reluctance ordered
to be brought. They then finished their Din-
ner, and proceeded in their Pamphlet, which
they concluded in the Afternoon. Mr. *Savage*
then imagined his Tafk over, and expected that
Sir Richard would call for the Reckoning, and
return Home: but his Expectations deceived
him; for Sir Richard told him, that he was
without Money, and that the Pamphlet muſt
be fold before the Dinner could be paid for;
and *Savage* was therefore obliged to go and
offer their new Production to Sale for two
Guineas, which with some Difficulty he ob-
tained. Sir Richard then returned Home, hav-
ing retired that Day only to avoid his Creditors,
and

( 68 )

and composed the Pamphlet only to discharge
his Reckoning.

It is related of Lord Chief Justice H—, that being once upon the Bench at the Old Bailey, a Fellow was tried and convicted of a Robbery on the Highway, whom the Judge remembered to have been one of his old Companions. He was moved by that Curiosity which is natural upon Retropection on past Life, to know the Fortune of the Cotemporaries with whom he was once associated, and of whom he had known nothing for many Years; he therefore ask'd the Fellow what was become of Tom such-a-one, and Will such a one, and the rest of the Knot to which they belonged. The Fellow fetching a deep Sigh, and making a low Bow, Ah! my Lord, said he, they are all hang'd but your Lordship and I.

Rochester being in Company with King Charles II. and Lord B— at a Tavern near Charing Cross. They push'd the Glafs about so briskly, that his Lordship was quite over-loaded, and stepping into the Balcony, began immediately to cast up his Accompts. The King and Lord B— immediately ran to his Affrontance, and supported him on each Side. After his Lordship was pretty well recovered, the King said to him—Rochester, what do you look like now?—Look like, reply'd his Lordship, why like your Majesty's Coat of Arms—supported by a couple of Beasts.

Addressed

( 69 )

Addresſed to the C—ſs of Cov—try.

WHY is a Gardener the most extraordinary Man in the World?

Because no Man has more Buſineſs on Earth. He always chufes good Grounds for what he does. He commands Thyme, is Maſter of the Mint, and fingers Penny Royal. He raifes his Celery every Year, and it is a bad Year that does not bring him a Plumb. He meets with more Boughs than a Minifter of State. He makes more Beds than the French King, and has in them more painted Ladies, and more genuine Rofes and Lillies than are to be found at a Country Wake. He makes Raking his Buſineſs more than his Diverſion, as many other Gentlemen do, but makes it an Advantage to his Health and Fortune—which few others do—. He can boaſt of more Rapes than any other Rake in the Kingdom; his Wife, nevertheless, has enough of Lad's Love and Heart's Eafe, and never wiſhes for Weeds. Diftempers, fatal to others, never hurt him. He walks better for the Gravel, and thrives moſt in a Conſumption. He can boaſt of more Bleeding Hearts than your Ladyſhip, and more Laurels than the Duke of Marlbro'. But his greatest Pride, and the World's greatest Envy, is— that he can have Yew when he pleafes.

A learned

( 70 )

A learned Dispute between two Welshmen.

AS Shinkin ap-Morgan and Evan ap-Shone, two auncient Pritons, were sitting in a Publick House together, two other Gentlemen came into the fame Room, and one of them taking up the News Paper, read aloud as follows—“The two Armies are so near to one another, that they are hourly expected “to come to a general Battle.”—Well, said the other Gentleman, the Lord send us good Luck! I hope that God Almighty will fight our Battle for us, and blefs us with Victory. The Welshmen over-hearing what the Gentleman said, one of them fays to t’other, in a low Voice,—Ay, put if Got a Mighty should fight our Pattles, look you, what if Got a Mighty should be kilt in the Pattle? Who would be Got a Mighty then?—Oh, you crate Fool! replies the other, Who do you think? Our Saviour to pe sure—is he not Got a Mighty’s own Son? Ay, ay, fays t’other I know very well he is his Son, and that if his Father was tead, he would pe Got a Mighty for England, put I pray you now, who would pe Got a Mighty for Wales? O, for Wales, replies the other, Why Morgan Traticker to pe sure—Who should elfe?—Ay, ay, fays t’other again, I know very well that Morgan Traticker was

( 71 )

was make very goot Got a Mighty for South Wales, put to you think now that Sir W—n W—ms W—nn will ever let hur pe Got a Mighty for North Wales, without having a Pout with hur? No indeed.

Here the Dispute was growing high, and perhaps might have ended in a Welsh Battle, but their Audience laughing aloud at the Oddity of the Dispute, put a stop to their Quarrel, and very probably faved the Effusion of some of the very best Blood of Wales.

A
QUAKER'S SERMON.

Dear Brethren and loving Sifters,

WE are met and assembled together, and the End and Meaning of our Meeting is this, which I shall unfold to you in as few Words, and as clear a Sense, as the Matter itself will bear.

Obadiah, our dear Brother, who followeth the lawful Occupation of making Shoes in the Town of Twickenham, near the River Thame, having Occasion to go to London, the Man arofe, took up his Staff, and walked. But be-hold, as he was going over Turnham-Green, the North-Eaft Corner thereof, he met with

our

( 72 )

our Sifter Ruth, who caft such ogling Glances
at the unfortunate Obadiah, and fqueez'd his
Hand fo ſenſibly, that the Snake peeped from
out of the Graſs, and our dear Friend Obadiah
was forced to obey the all commanding Power
of the little unlucky one: Whereupon he faid un-
to her, Dear Sifter Ruth, the Spirit moveth me
to lay thee down, that I may mul iply upon thee;
and ſhe anſWERED him and faid, Rerift not the
Spirit, for from thence proceedeth no Evil. So he
took her and laid her down ; and when it came
to pafs that ſhe was down, and laid flat upon
her Back, he took up her Coats, even unto the
Holland Sm'ck which covered her Nakedneſs,
and covered her Face, that her Eyes might not
behold the Wickedneſs ſhe was going to com-
mit: So Obadiah let down his Breeches, fell
with his Face downwards on our Sifter Ruth,
and ſo followed the Motions of the Spirit.

But, my Beloved, the Intent was good, and
that appears plainly, thus: Our Brother was
moved with a fair and tempting Object; and
fuch Temptations who can withstand? And
fecondly, he did not go to it after the Ways of
the Prophane, who ſay, G—d d—n me, I will
do ſo or ſo, and by G— you ſhall do ſo or ſo; but
he ſaid unto her, dear Sifter, the Spirit moveth
me: Whereby you may ſee his Intentions were
good, and that he did not do it to ſatisfy the
ſenſual and carnal Appetite, but to raiſe up
Seed to the Brotherhood by Propagation.

8

A

( 73 )

A
QUAKER'S GRACE,
BEFORE MEAT.

BLESS this our Dinner; bleſs this Tripe,
and this Loin of Veal; for it was a Molten
Calf that made Israel to fin; bleſs these Pota-
toes, and this Custard, for the Land of Canaan
flowed with Milk and Honey. Bleſs also these
Tarts, for thy Judgment are tart, unleſs they
are sweetened with the Sugar of thy Mercy:
Sowſe us therefore in the Powdering-Tub of thy
Mercy; that we may be Tripes fit for thy
heavenly Table. Water us young Shrubs with
the Dew of thy Bleſſing, that we may grow up
into tall Oaks, and live to be lawed into Deal
Boards to wainſcot thy new Jerusalem. Final-
ly, let this Dinner improve and nourifh our
Bodies, ſo that we may with Love and Holineſs
embrace our Sifters, to the edifying of the
Spirit, in raiſing up the New Man.

H

Two

(74)

TWO ORIGINAL
LOVE LETTERS.

LETTER I.

Dear Molly,

I NOT having a Hopertunity of whaiting on you this Morning, could not be easy without wrighting to you, hoping this will find you in a contrary Mood then what you were in the last Night, for I do assure you killing Charms,

* Rochester's Thanks to the unknown Furnisher of this Part of the Entertainment. — " The first Letter was copied in the Worcester Coach in the Summer of the Year 1754. It would, perhaps, have been buried in Obscurity, but for the Confidence of the real Author, (a Fellow Paſſenger) — who was extremely proud of his Performance, as it had—he assured us—wrought a Reconciliation between him and his beloved Miſſresi. — Which droll Incident cauſed a literal Copy to be taken as the Coach droue along, to the no ſmall Diversion of the Copyer and the reſt of the Paſſengers. " The other is from a Blazing Star, lately eclipsed, " to a very amiable young Lady. "

and

(75)

and diſcreet Behaviour as carried me beyond the Bounds of Reaſon, were ham I, what ham I a doing, I ham at a Lofſ, Heavens affiſt my trembling Hand, my Hart is over Welm'd with Grief, I cannot bear the Thoughts of a Seperaſtion from you, that is grac'd with ſo many agreeable Qualiſaſhons as you are in dowd with. O charming Creetur your Delight Cumpany iſs more to me than all the Whorld ſefide, and if you deney me of that, you deny me of Life Itself: For nothing in this Whorld will then be any Delight to me, but like a gſconſlate Lover, ſhall wander two and ſrow, ſhall then Remain your ſliſt Lover 'till Deth, 'till Deth.

J— St—all.

P. S.

Shure laſt Nigh I did dream,
Ye Thing which opened to me a great Sean.
Ye Word No, which cauſed Greeſ of Hart,
O I can never, never think to part.
In the Evening dear Molly giue me a Smile,
And let me not be ſliſt all the while.
My Nonſense pray excuſe,
And never Truth love, and Honesty ſeſuſe,
And now on this, praps in Scorn you may ſmile,
Whilſt my Hart is bleeding all the while.

H z

LET-

( 76 )

LETTER II.

Mr. D— to Mfs C— at Ch—m.

Thou dear Female Critic!

I CAN but think what Satisfaction my Pro-
mise of Writing gives you. Pardon me,
Mifs, I don't mean a good natured Satisfaction;
not but I'll allow you a double Portion of that
amiable Quality; but I mean, according to
what I have stiled you—a Critic! and that
I know you are, and what is still worfe—
a Female Critic! Fool that I was to promife!
I might have lain snug in a Corner, and not
have been notic'd. O Vanity, Vanity! thou
unthinking Passion! To hurry me on to a
Promife, which, performing, only exposes me!
Well, I am embark'd, and muſt, therefore,
go through—for, I imagine, not keeping my
Word, would make you think I could not write
at all; and mySilence conſequently incur a worſe
Conſtruction than from pratling Nonſenſe: So
of two Evils, I'll even chuse the leaſt, and keep
my Promife, tho' at the Hazard of my being
reckon'd a Simpleton. Well—the next Thing
is Subject—Ay! there I am at a Loſs again.
Suppofe Gallantry—no! I know I am not
capable. Flattery—"O noble thought to
" catch

( 77 )

" catch a Female Heart!" Ay, but then to a
Critic, and one, who perhaps, has had all the
fine Things said to her already I can poffibly
invent! So there I am foil'd again. Suppofe
then I venture on Love—for there my Ge-
nius lies—and I can talk for five Hours on that
dear Subject without ceasing: Pleasing Ideas
now crowd on apace—but hold! if I don't take
Care, I ſhall dwell on the Subject without
dreaming of the Consequences. Do, thou
favourite Paffion! Give way a little, while I
think of the many Dangers I ſhall expofe my-
felf to by laying that Subject at her Feet? Faith!
I could almost find in my Heart to venture—
but then I hate Fighting, and half a dozen
Duels would be the leaſt I muſt expect. The
Thought of feeing the Sun—or perhaps the
Moon ſhine through my Callicoe Carcaſs—
Faith, I can't fay I like it; tho'—if I under-
ſtood much of the Sword, I believe, I ſhould
once hazard my ſelf: for, I think, he muſt be
the beſt of Markſmen, that can hit me. Well,
then,—as I dare not venture on Love—give
me Leave to addreſs you on the Score of Gra-
titude, which, next to Love, may claim the
Preference—and be affuſured, I ſhall always
retain the moſt grateful Senſe of your many
Favours, while I remain—With my Hat under
my Arm, and a very low Bow (as Farquhar
fays)—

Your moſt dev'ted, &c.

H 3

CONUN-

( 78 )

NEW

CONUNDRUMS,

1. **W**HY is Rochester's Jets like my Lord-Mayor?

2. Why is a Beggar like a Bishop?

3. Why is Marriage like a Curtain?

4. Why is a Man with a bad Memory like a Miser?

5. Why is a drawn Tooth like a Thing forgot?

6. Why is a Clergyman's Head like a Secret?

7. Why is a poor Man like a Sempstref?

8. Why is an unbound Book like a Lady in Bed?

9. Why is a good Picture like a Bottle of Wine?

10. Why is a Lady on her Wedding-day like a Man in an Error?

11. Why is a rotten Cheese like Sampson?

12. Why is the New-Market like an Admiral of a Squadron?

13. Why is a Publican like a Musician?

14. Why is a Man in a Ship like a Kitchen Dreffer?

15. Why is a Red-Hair'd Lady like a Band of Soldiers?

16. Why is a drunken Man like one swimming?

17. Why

( 79 )

17. Why is a neat prim Lady like a Book?

18. Why is a Man that runs in Debt like a Watch?

19. Why is a Hackney Horse like Scarlet?

20. Why is a Gun like a Woman?

21. Why is a Brewer's Horse like a Tapster?

22. Why is a very cenforious Lady like a Philosopher?

23. Why is a Fop like a Steeple?

24. Why is a blind Man heavier than one that can see?

25. Why is a big-belly'd Woman like a fine Gentleman?

26. Why is a Weather-Cock like the Sea?

27. Who was the first Man that bore Arms?

28. Why is a Horse like a coy Wench?

29. Why are brave Men like Sweetmeats?

30. Why are Widows fit for Beggars?

31. Why is a Whore like a Comet?

32. Why does a Miller wear a white Hat?

33. Why are sleepy Eyes like Amber?

34. Why is the House of C— like an Account Book?

35. Why is it impossible to ravish some Women?

36. Why is a Tavern like a Table?

37. Why is a Key like an Hospital?

38. Why are forward Girls like a lucky Merchant?

39. Why is a Parish Bell like a good Story?

40. Why is Claret like an Oath?

41. Why is a Cane like Sunday?

42. Why are most Ladies Mathematicians?

43. Why

( 80 )

43 Why is a Looking-Glass like a Philosopher?

44 Why is a condemn'd Malefactor like a
Cannon?

45 Why is one's Head like a Porter ?

46 Why is a Wig like a blind Beggar ?

47 Why is a peevish Man like a Watch ?

48 Why are Whores like Rogues ?

49 Why is Wales like a Neck of Mutton ?

50 Why is a little Man like a Book ?

51 Why was Cain like a good Ringer ?

52 Why is a Man in a Fever like a burning
Candle?

53 Why is a Madman like two Men ?

54 Why is a good Man like Rochester's Jests?

55 Why is the Sun-Fire-Office like an impudent Fellow?

56 When has a Goose moft Feathers upon her?

57 Why is an impertinent Fellow like a Waterman?

58 Why is a Man in a Passion like a Lady's Smock?

59 Why is Lady C—y's Face like a Mounte-bank?

60 Why is Miss P. like a Muffin?

61 Why is a filly Fellow lifte a Feather-bed?

62 Why is a bad Pen like a wicked Man?

63 Why is Drury-Lane Theatre like a Ring of Bells?

64 Why is Mr. Handel like Admiral Hawke?

65 Why is a good Cook like a Woman of Fashion?

66 Why is thy own Wig, Reader, like a Butcher's Shop?

67 What

( 81 )

67 What is a Man like, in the Middle of the
Thames, who can't swim?

68 Why is a Lady in Bed like Five-pence three Farthings?

69 Why is a Boy that has been whipp'd like the Rainbow Coffeehouse ?

70 Why is a Man on Horse-back like a Fan?

71 Why is Rochester's Jests like a Myrtle-Tree?

72 Why is Murder like a Candle?

73 Why is a Taylor like a Sink?

74 Why is the Countess of Y—like a first Minifter of State?

REBUSES.

( 82 )

NEW
R E B U S E S.

1. THE Fourth of a Foot, and more than a Yard,
Is the Name of a Laſs, that I greatly regard.

2. ONE of the ſoftest Things in Nature,
Beareth the Name of my dear Creature.

3. THE Pleaſures of the Sportsman's Chafe,
The Pledge in matrimonial Chafe,
With twenty hundred Weight beiſide.
Names her I wiſh to make my Bride.

4. WHAT a Multitude makes, and Multitudes do,
Is the Name of a Lady, that Multitudes woo.

5. THE Court of Love's affembled here;
'Tis Venus Queen of Beauty's Sphere.
In all her Charms the ſtands conſeſt,
And rules ſupreme the nobleft Breaſt:

Ye

( 83 )

Ye Shepherds, wou'd ye learn the Name
Of her who ſpreads ſo vaſt a Flame,
Know that 'tis hid from the Prophane,
And that your ſtrictest Search is Vane.

6. WHAT aged Men are, and what
Gameſter's require,
Is the Name of a Damſel around our Coal Fire.

7. THAT of the pretty feather'd Race,
Which moſt do courtly Tables grace,
And o'er the Mountains bends it's Flight,
Or lurks in Fields with Harveſt bright,
For whose Deſtruction Men with Care,
The nobleft canine Breed prepare,
Beſtows a Name on that fair Maid,
Whose Eyes to Love my Heart betray'd.

8. WHAT's done when we buy, and done when we play,
Is the Name of a Lady that's charming and gay.

9. WHAT gives the pleafant Mead its Grace,
What ſpreads at Spring Earth's ſmiling Face,
What jolly Hunters chufe to wear,
Gives Name to her, whose Chains I bear.

10. THE Sea-Port for Dublin, and the
Hero's Deſire,
Is the Name of a Peer, whom all muſt ad
mire.

TWO

( 84 )

11 TWO Gibbets dejected,
The Moon in full View,
A Cheese-Toaster erected,
And a Cheese cut in two.

12 WHAT the *Labourer* bears in erecting
high Towers,
What *Carmen* incessantly roar;
What *biffes* (while reading) in *sweet-scented*
*Bowers*,
Compote the dear Name I adore.

13 THE Name of a Fish, if backward 'tis read,
Is the Name of a Lady that's very well bred,
Her Christian Name if you'd have me disclose,
'Tis the half of a Shrub, that begins with a Rose.

14 TO write, when in *Latin*, take the
Letters first four,
And Part of a very hot Place;
'Tis a young Lady's Name, I'm sure you must
know her,
Whose Beauty lies half in her Face.

15 THE Name of a Saint, that the *Romans*
revere,
And an Animal's Name a fly Creature;
Is a young Lady's Name, I love I declare,
They are must be Brutes that can hate her.

8

WHAT

( 85 )

16 WHAT most *Indians* are, tho' in
*England* few such,
What all People wish for, tho' they've ever
so much;
Is the Name of a Lady, you may guefs who
I mean,
By her beautiful Face, and her delicate Mien.

17 TAKE of Letters the first, and of
Tempers the worst,
And what for that Temper is good;
And a Thing you will name, that the Wit
thinks a Shame,
But the Dunce wou'd produce if he cou'd.

18 THE Farmer's Delight, and the Lion's
Retreat;
Is the Name of a Lady, whose Beauty is great.

19 WHAT all Tradesmen do, and what
they'd have other Folk do;
Is the Name of a Lady, I've often-times spoke
to.

20 THE happiest State Mankind enjoys,
With what begins the Dame,
Adjoin'd, will manifiestly show
My lovely *Flora*'s Name.

21 THE Resort of wild Beasts, and the
Fashion of a Hat;
Is the Name of a Lady—and what of all
that?

I

PETER'S

( 86 )

22 PETER's Accuser, and th' Effect of great Fires,
Is the Name of a Belle, that the Beau-Monde admires.

23 WHAT all Women love, if they'd speak what they think,
What Trademen muſt do if they'd thrive,
Is the Name of my Phil — the tips me the Wink—
The comic'left Creature alive!

24 THE Bleating of Sheep, and what cauſes Drinking;
Is the Name of a Girl, that talks without Thinking.

25 WHAT guards the City from the Foe,
What joins the Fence againſt the Beau;
The maffiy Pile, the ſilken Cord,
The faireſt Fair-one's Name aſſord.

26 WHAT Innocence is ſaid to wear,
Those Staves with Pride which Nobles bear,
With that, on which my Lines are ſeen,
Name her, who of my Heart is Queen.

A

( 87 )

A
COLLECTION
OF
RIDDLES.

1 LADIES, my Name I pray explore,
'Tis what, of all Things, you adore:
I'm no Upstart come to Earth,
But with Adam took my Birth:
O'er Learning's Seat I do preſide,
And only with the Male abide,
To Luxury I'm made a Tool,
My very Name denotes a Fool.

2 THERE'S a Being in Nature as light as a Feather,
As fickle as Fortune, as uncertain as Weather;
Now cruel, then kind; now sweet, and then four;
Never wears the fame Humour or Conduct an Hour.

I 2

It's

( 88 )

It's a Lion, a Lamb, an Eagle, a Dove;
All Fiercenes, all Tamenes, all Hate, or all
Love.

It can fwear and protest, tho' its Oaths are fo
frail,

That he who relies on't, has an Eel by the
Tail.

3 IN Marble Walls, as white as Milk,
Lin'd with a Skin as soft as Silk,
Within a Fountain, crystal clear
A golden Apple does appear.

No Doors there are to this strong Hold,
Yet Thieves break in and steal the Gold.

4 WHAT Fortune gives, I wear in State
A little Thing does make me Great;
All admire me, when I wear it;
Yet Cares attend all those that bear it.

5 I View the World in little Space,
Am always reftles, changing Place :
No Food I eat, but by my Power,
Procure what Millions do devour.

6 HERE is a Thing that Nothing is,
'Tis foolish, wanton, sober, wife;
It hath no Wings, nor Eyes, nor Ears,
And yet it flies, it fees, it hears:
It lives by Lofs, it feeds in Smart,
It dwells in Woe, it liveth not,
Yet ever more this hungry Elf,
Doth feed on nothing but itself.

WHAT'S

( 89 )

7 WHAT's that in which good Housewives take Delight!

Which, tho' it has no Legs, will stand upright!
'Tis often us'd, both Sexes must agree,
Beneath the Navel, yet above the Knee,
At the End it has a Hole; 'tis stiff and strong,
Thick as a Maiden's Wrift, and pretty long.
To a Soft Place 'tis very oft apply'd,

And makes the Thing 'tis us'd to still more
wide.

The Women love to wriggle it to and fro,
That what lies under may the wider grow.

By giddy Sluts sometimes it is abus'd,
But by good Housewives rubb'd before 'tis us'd,

That it may fitter for their Purpose be,
When they to occupy the fame are free.

Now tell me, merry Ladies, if you can,

What this must be that is no Part of Man?

8 I HAVE not to boast of much Humour
or Wit;

The Thing that I'm priz'd for, is mostly a Slit.
I'm black at the Bottom; but if you look higher,
I'm as white and as smooth as a Man can defire.

To the Lovers' soft Paffion I often give Eafe,
Who wriggle me up and down just as they
pleafe.

By turns I every Man's Humour can suit,
The King, Lords and Commons, and Bifhops
to boot,

Who finger me floutly whene'er they come
to't.

I 3

At

( 90 )

At first tho' perhaps for One's Use I was made;
Yet if more should try me they'd find me no
Jade.

I cut a great Figure throughout the whole
Nation,

And give all your Hearts in their turns Palpi-
tation.

9 SO capricious am I, that it Monarchs
thou'd offer
Their Kingdoms, I scarce would accept of their
Proffer;

Since no Land in the World I ever could find,
That suited exactly the Turn of my Mind :

Yet guiltless I often am plac'd under Ground,
But from Prifon return both healthy and found.

At Dinner I'm often receiv'd by the Great,
When I go on Command, but as quickly retreat;
For no Art they can use will oblige me to stay,
And I always contrive to flip softly away.

On the Tops of high Trees I sometimes refide,
Where I tremble, tho' fear not, and sparkle
befide.

I'm often in Rivers; but this I must say,
I seldom adventure to sail on the Sea.

The Stars are my Friends; but as for the Sun,
With Precipitation his Ardor I shun.

I'm fear'd by the Antient, but lov'd by the Boy,
Who rides on my Back, and beholds me with
Joy.

BEFORE

( 91 )

10 BEFORE creating Nature will'd
That Atoms into Form thou'd jar,

By me the boundless Space was fill'd,
On me was built the first made Star.

For me the Saint will break his Word ;

By the proud Atheist I'm rever'd ;

At me the Coward draws his Sword,
And by the Hero I am fear'd.

Scorn'd by the meek and humble Mind,
Yet often by the vain poſſeſt ;

Heard by the Deaf, seen by the Blind,
And to the troubl'd Conſcience reſt:

Than Wifdom's sacred Self I'm wiser,
And yet by ev'ry Blockhead known;

I'm freely given by the Miser,

Kept by the Prodigal alone.

The ______ God bleſs him! as ('tis said)

At me is sometimes in a Passion ;

Yet even Him I can perfuade,

To act againſt his Inclination.

As Vice deform'd, as Virtue fair,
The Courtier's Lofs, the Patriot's Gains,
The Poet's Purle, the Coxcomb's Care,

Read, and you'll have me for your Pains.

II I N shaping me both Sexes join,
Who muſt with fit Embraces twine,

And grow with mutual Motions warm,

Ere they compleat my myſtic Form ;

I pleafe (tho' from the Country ſprung)

The City and the Courtly Throng;

I oft promote the balmy Kils,

And Muitic heightens much the Blifs.

3

By

( 92 )

By me engag'd you ne'er can dole,
Yet I procure the soft Repose,
And (which increafes more your Mirth,)
Both Sexes labour at my Birth.

12 FROM the Retirements of the Dead,
To Regions where no Mortals tread
I mount: Then borne, I firſt on high,
Become the Object of the Eye.
To thofe, who ſee me from below,
I'm habited in ſable Show;
But when defcended from my Height,
My Robes are of the pureſt White,
Whilſt I am haſtening to my Fate,
Unfullied yet my Virgin State,
No Down of Swan was e'er ſo light,
So ſoft, ſo beautiful and bright.
An emblematic Innocence;
A cold, but yet a ſure, Defence.
Great Nature's Nurſe I mask, and place
Protection o'er her rev'rend Face:
But for this tender Action, I
Unpitied, unregarded die;
Trodden and mixt with common Earth;
Mean Fate ! for ſo ſublime a Birth.

A KEY

( 93 )

A
K
E
Y

TO THE
CONUNDRUMS.

1 BECAUSE he is always entertaining.
2 Because he gives us his Bleſſing.

2 Because he gives us his Blessing.

3 Because it serves for a Blind.

4 Because he is for-getting.

5 Because it is out of the Head.

6 Because it is under the Rose.

7 Because he makes Shifts.

8 Because it is in Sheets.

9 Because it is a good Draught.

10 Because she is Mils taken.

11 Because it is mitey.

12 Because it is in the Fleet.

13 Because his Works are in Score.

14 Because he is a-board.

15 Because

( 94 )

15 Because she bears Fire-Locks.

16 Because he's in Liquor.

17 Because she's in print.

18 Because he goes a-tic.

19 Because it is Hi-red.

20 Because there's an Apron over the Touch-hole.

21 Because he draws Drink.

22 Because she is full of Reflections,

23 Because the Belles hang on him.

24 Because he is not so light.

25 Because she shows her Breeding.

26 Because it waves.

27 Adam.

28 Because he'll say nothing, but *neigh*.

29 Because they can-dy

30 Because they are *Relients*.

31 Because she has a fiery Tail.

32 To cover his Head.

33 Because they draw Straws.

34 Because there are many Cyphers in it.

35 Because they are willing.

36 Because it has Drawers in it.

37 Because it has Wards in it.

38 Because their Commodities have a quick Vent.

39 Because it is often toll'd.

40 Because it Binds.

41 Because it hangs on our Hand.

42 Because they endeavour to find out the Longitude.

43 Because it Reflects.

44 Because he's Caft.

45 Be-

( 95 )

45 Because generally within *Caul*.

46 Because it is Cur led.

47 Because he is often *wound up*.

48 Because they are both common.

49 Because it is craggy.

50 Because he is often look'd over.

51 Because he master'd *A-tel*.

52 Because he is light headed.

53 Because he is a Man beside himself.

54 Because he merits our Esteem.

55 Because he deals in *Assurance*.

56 When the Gander is upon her.

57 Because he will often put in his Oar.

58 Because he is ruffled.

59 Because often in a Mob.

60 Because she is often toafsted.

61 Because he is very soft.

62 Because it wants Mending.

63 Because it has *clappers* in it.

64 Because he is a Man of Note.

65 Because she dresſes well.

66 Because there's a Calf's Head in it.

67 Like to be drowned.

68 Because she is under a Teſter.

69 Because he is full of *Smarts*.

70 Because he is mounted.

71 Because it is full of ſweet-flcented Leaves.

72 Because it is brought to Light.

73 Because he is a Common Sewer.

74 Because she acts immediately under his M—y.

SOLU-

( 96 )

SOLUTION of the REBUSES.

1 Mifs F-ell.

2 Mifs Cotton.

3 Mifs Harrington.

4 Mifs Crowd-er.

5 Mifs Vane.

6 Mifs Baldwin.

7 Mifs Partridge.

8 Mifs Sell-win.

9 Mifs Green.

10 Lord Chefterfield.

11 Mifs Lloyd.

12 Mifs Hod-ge-s.

13 Mifs Mary Lee.

14 Mifs Scriven.

15 Mifs Mary Fox.

16 Mifs Blackmore.

17 An Acrostic.

18 Mifs Plow-den.

19 Mifs Sel-by.

20 Mifs Boy-d.

21 Mifs Woodcock.

22 Mifs Cock-burn.

23 Mifs Man-fell.

24 Mifs Ba-thurst.

25 Mifs Wal-lace.

26 Mifs White.

ANSWERS to the RIDDLES.

1 A Coxcomb.

2 A Coquet.

3 An Egg.

4 A Crown on
King's Head.

5 The Sun.

6 The Mind.

7 A Rowling-Pin.

8 A Pen.

9 Ice.

a 10 Nothing.

11 A Country Dance.

12 Snow.

A

( 97 )

THE
Poetical Miscellany.

FIRE-BRAND; or the TYTHE-PIG,
A NEW TALE OF A TUB.

A Friar late, with good Intent,
For Lodging to the College went;
There, Night and Morning, said his Pray'rs,
Sometimes below, sometimes up Stairs:
At length his Congregation grew,
From Number one to Number two :

For Kity, pioufly inclin'd,
Whene'er the Spirit mov'd him—join'd.
Nothing more common than to see,
The Nymph and Friar Knee to Knee;
'Till, tir'd at laft with fimple Kneeling,
He preach'd up Doctrine still more feeling:
" That, for the Profit of the Nation,
" He ought t'enlarge his Congregation.

K

Kitty

( 98 )

Kitty approv'd the pious Lecture,
Obedient to her grave Director,
And to the Friar's little Skill,
Resolv'd to yield her little Will.

Intent on this, instead of Wand,
He drew his magic Fire-brand;
Taught her to add—subtract—divide—
And prove 'em by the Cross befide;
Then came at last to multiply,
(But more of that Rule by-and-by)
'Till, rifting to the last Degree,
She practis'd pat the Rule of Three.
Soon as she learnt to cut a Figure,
Poor Kitty big, soon waxed bigger;
Then fily beckon'd, to impart
To Will, the Valet, all her Art.

Poor Will to Kitty quickly run,
Willing to see, and have some Fun:
She briefly taught him how to add,
And to subtract, he wou'd be glad;
But e're he cou'd compleat the Sum,
In came the Priest, and Mcafter Tum:
Oh! oh! quo' they—'tis vastly pretty!
Your Servant Will!—Your Servant Kitty!
Nay, nay,—says Will—don't run your Rig
Good Friar!—'tis your own Tythe-Pig.

Defence

( 99 )

## Defence of Miss P. P's. pouting Lips

MY lovely Polly! nature's Pride!
Let none thy pouting Lips deride.
Let no rash Ignorant despyse
The Charm he knows not how to prize.

When Strephon clasps his Celia's waste,
The Lips begin the sweet Repaft;
And when Love's sacred Rites are done,
Kisses conclude what they begun;
And answer me, ye Snarlers, this,
Who without Lips could ever kifs?

When Damon kneels and begs to hear
His Sentence from the cruel Fair,
His Hopes and Fears, his Life and Death,
Depend upon the Charmer's Breath;
That Breath which thro' her Lips must come,
Ere she can save, or speak his Doom.

Since then the pow'r of Lips is such,
Let none say Polly has too much:
For Lips have Charms, and out of doubt,
She has the best who most can pout.

## A Pastoral COURTSHIP.

BEhold these Woods, and mark, my Sweet,
How all these Boughs together meet:
The Cedar his fair Arms displays,
And mixes Branches with the Bays.

K 2

The

( 100 )

The lofty Pine deigns to descend,
And flurdy Oaks do gently bend,
One with another subt'ly weaves
Into one Loom their various Leaves;
As all ambitious were to be
Mine and my Phillis' Canopy!

Let's enter and discourfe our Loves;
These are, my Dear, no Tell-tale Groves!
There dwell no Pies nor Parrots there,
To prate again the Words they hear.
Nor babling Echo that will tell
The Neighb'ring Hills one Syllable.

Being enter'd, let's together lie,
Twin'd like the Zodiack's Gemini;
How fweet the Flowers do fweeter ſmell,
And all with Emulation ſwell
To be thy Pillow: These for thee
Were meant a Bed, and thou for me;
And I may with as juſt Eſteem
Prefs thee, as thou may'ſt lie on them:
And why ſo coy? What doſt thou fear?
There lurks no ſpeckled Serpent here.
No ven'mous Snake makes this his Road,
No Canker, nor the loathſome Toad;
And yon poor Spider on the Tree,
Thy Spinſter will no Poſſoner be.
There is no Frog to leap and flight
Thee from my Arms, and break Delight;
Nor Snail that o'er thy Coat ſhall trace,
And leave behind a ſlimy Lace.

This

( 101 )

This is the hallow'd Shrine of Love,
No Wasp or Hornet haunts this Grove,
No Pismire to make Pimples rife
Upon thy smooth and Ivory Thighs.
No Danger in theſe Shades doth lie,
Nothing that wears a Sting but I;
And in it doth no Venom dwell,
Altho' perchance it make thee ſwell.

Being fet, let's ſport a while, my Fair,
I will tie Love-Knots in thy Hair.
See Zephyrus thro' the Leaves doth ſtray,
And has free Liberty to play.
And braid thy Locks; and ſhall I find
Leſs Favour than a ſaucy Wind?
Now let me ſit and fix my Eyes
On thee, that art my Paradife.
Thou art my All, the Spring remains,
In the fair Violets of thy Veins:
And that it is a Summer's Day,
Ripe Cherries on thy Lips diſplay;
And when for Autumn I would ſeek,
'Tis in the Apples of thy Cheek.
But that which only moves my Smart,
Is to ſee Winter in thy Heart.
Strange, when at once in One appear
All the four Seaſons in the Year!
I'll clap that Neck where ſhould be fet
A rich and orient Caſcanet;
But Swains are poor, admit of then
More natural Chains, the Arms of Men;
Come let me touch thofe Breaſts that ſwell
Like two fair Mountains, and may well

K 3

Be

( 102 )

Be fild the *Alp*, but that I fear
The Snow has much lefs Whitenefs there.
But ftay, my Love, a Fault I spy,
Why are thofe fair Fountains dry ?
Which if they ran, no Mufe would please
To taſte of any Spring but theſe,
And Ganymede employ'd ſhould be
To fetch his Fove Nectar from thee.
Thou ſhalt be Nurſe, fair Venus ſwears,
To the next Cupid that ſhe bears.
Were it not then diſcreetely done
To ope' one Spring to let two run,
Fie, ſie, this Belly, Beauty's Mint,
Bluſhes to ſee no Coin ſtampt in't.
Employ it then, for though it be
Our Wealſth, it is your Royalty;
And Beauty will have current Grace,
That bears the Image of your Face.
How to the Touch the Ivory Thighs
Veil gently, and again do rife,
As pliable to the Impreſſion,
As Virgin's Wax and Parian Stone
Diſſolv'd to Softneſs, plump and full,
More white and ſoft than Cotfal Wool,
Or Cotton from the Indian Tree,
Or pretty Silk-Worms Houſewifery.
Thefe on two Marble Pillars rais'd,
Make me in Doubt which ſhould be prais'd,
They or their Columns moſt; but when
I view thofe Feet that I have ſeen
So nimbly trip it o'er the Lawns,
That all the Satyrs and the Fawns

Have

( 103 )

Have ſtood amaz'd when they would paſs
Over the Leas, and not a Graſs
Would feel the Weight, nor Ruſh, nor Bent,
Drooping, betray which Way you went ;
Oh then I felt my hot Deſires
Burn more, and flame with double Fires :
Come let thofe Thighs, thofe Legs, thofe Feet
With mine in thouſand Windings meet,
And woven more in ſubtle Twines
Than Woodbine, Ivy, or the Vines.
For when Love ſees us circling thus,
He'll like no Arbour more than us.
Now let us kifſs, would you begone ?
Manners at leaſt allow me one.
Bluſh you at this ? Pretty One ſtay,
And I will take that Kifſs away.
Thus with a ſecond, and that too.
A third wipes off, so will we go
To Numbers that the Stars outrun,
And all the Atoms in the Sun :
For tho' we kifſs till Phæbus Ray
Sink in the Seas, and kifſing ſtay
'Till his bright Beams return again,
There can of all but one remain :
And if for one good Manners call,
In one good Manners, grant me all.

Are Kifſes all ? They but fore-run
Another Duty to be done.

What would you of that Minſtrel ſay
That tunes his Pipe and will not play ?
Say what are Bloſoms in their Prime,
That ripen not in Harvest-Time ?

Or

( 104 )

Or what are Buds that ne'er disclose
The long'd for Sweetneſs of the Rose ?
So Kiffes to a Lover-Gueſt
Are Invitations, not a Feaſt.
See every Thing that we eſpy
Is fruitful, ſaving you and I:
View all the Fields, ſurvey the Bowers,
The Buds, the Bloſſoms, and the Flowers,
And ſay if they ſo rich could be
In barren baſe Virginity.
Earth's not ſo coy as you are now,
But willingly admits the Plow :
For how had Man or Beaſt been ſed
If ſhe had kept her Maiden-head ?
*Cælia* once coy, as are the reſt,
Hangs now a Babe on either Breaſt ;
And *Chlritis*, ſince a Man ſhe took,
Has leſs of Greenneſs in her Look.
Our Ewes have year'd, and every Dam
Gives Suck unto her tender Lamb.
As by theſe Groves we walk'd along,
Some Birds were feeding of their Young,
Some on their Eggs did brooding ſit,
Sad that they had not hatch'd them yet :
Thoſe that were ſlower than the reſt,
Were busy building of the Neſt :
You only will not pay the Fine,
You vow'd and ow'd to *Valentine*.
As you were angling in the Brook
With filken Line and filver Hook,
Through Crystal Streams you might defcry
How vaſt and numberleſs the Fry

The

( 105 )

The Fife hath spawn'd, that all along
The Banks were crowded with a Throng.
And ſhall fair *Venus* more command
By Water than ſhe does by Land ?
The Phœnix chafte, yet when ſhe dies,
Herself with her own Aſhes lies.
But let thy Love more wifely thrive
To do the Aſt while thou'rt alive.
'Tis Time we left our Childſh Love,
That trades for Toys, and now approve
Our abler Skill, they are not wife,
Look Babies only in the Eyes.
That ſmother'd Smile ſhew'd what you meant,
And modeſt Silence gives Conſent.
That which we now prepare, will be
Beſt done in ſilent Secreſy.

Come, do not weep, What is't you fear ?
Left ſome ſhould know what we did here ?
See, not a Flower by you preſt is dead,
But re-erects his bending Head,
That whoſoe'er ſhall paſs this Way,
Knows not, by theſe, where PHILLIS lay ;
And in your Forehead there are none
Can read the Aſt that we have done.

At which, ſhe cry'd, poor ſimple Maid !
By what ſtrange Wiles thou art betray'd ?
A Treasure thou haſt loft To-day,
For which thou canſt no Ransom pay :
How black art thou transform'd with Sin !
How ſtrange a Guilt gnaws me within !

Grief

(106)

Grief will convert this Red to Pale,
When ev'ry Wake and Whitfun-Ale
Shall talk my Shame: Break, break, fad Heart,
There is no Med'cine for my Smart.

No Herb nor Balm can cure my Sorrow,
Unlfs you meet again To-morrow.

EPITAPH.

FOR me deceas'd, weep not, my Dear;
I am not dead but sleepeth here:
Your Time will come, prepare to die;
Wait but a while, you'll follow I.

Answer, on the Widower's marrying
again in a Fortnight.

I AM not griev'd, my dearest Life,
Sleep on—I've got another Wife;
And therefore cannot come to thee,
For I must go to Bed to she.

Written on the Ivory Leaves of a Lady's
Pocket-Book.

HOW blefs'd! could I in Chloe's Heart,
As in this Book inſcribe her Name!
But wretched ſtill, if there, as here,
Another Fool might do the fame.

The

(107)

The nearer the Bone the sweeter the
Flesh.

THE Reason is plain why honest Ned Hatton,
Who married five Wives, wou'd ne'er
chuse a Fat-one.

Verses by a Child Eight Years old, on his
Sifter's breaking a Drinking-Glaſs.

SEE Sifter, in this flatter'd Glaſs
The Fate of many a pretty Lafs !
Woman, like Glaſs, is frail and weak,
As apt to flide, as apt to break.
Guard therefore ev'ry Step with Caution,
For, juſt as Glaſs, is Reputation :
Both broke to Pieces with one Falling,
For ever loft, and paſt recalling.

EPIGRAM.

TIS faſd that the Soldiers ſo lazy are grown
With Luxury, Plenty and Eafe,
That they more for their Carriage than Courage
are known,

And ſcarce know the Uſe of a Piece.
Let them ſay what they will, ſince it nobody
galls,

And exclaim out ſtill louder and louder.
For there ne'er was more Money expended in
Balls,

Or a greater Conſumption of Powder.

To

( 108 )

## To a Politic Cit.

TO bring thee Cuftom, Dick, thy Wife is made

To flaunt it in thy Shop in gay Brocade :
And on each heedleſs Paſſenger to try
The am'rous Efforts of her ogling Eye :
By this you'll get no Cuſtom, filly Elf,
But thy dear Spouse will get it all herself.

## The Wife Lawyer.

OLD Counſellor Double, well vers'd in the Laws,

Can never consent to lose Client, or Caufe;
Hence oft the wife Sage, we at Westminſter fee,
On each Side retain'd, and on each Side take Fee.
Yet say not too rafbly he forfeits his Truth,
To neither he's falſe, when he pleafes 'em both.
While one he will charm by his ſtrenuous Bawl,
He'll gain t'other's Caufe by not ſpeaking at all.

## A Dialogue at Tunbridge, between ROGER and his Brother DICK.

AH! Dick, said Roger, I have been,
Where I a Sight ſo fine have seen,
That had'ſt thou ſeen the like my Boy,
Thou never would'st forget the Joy.
You never ſaw a finer Thing,
Than I, said Dick, who ſaw the King.

I

Roger

( 109 )

Roger reply'd in merry Strain,
Why prithee, haſt thou crack'd thy Brain ?
I tell thee Dick; I've ſeen what he
(God bleſs him) would be glad to ſee,

Nay, nay, quoth Dick, if ſuch the Sight,
Proceed to tell thy Tale outright.

Why ſo I will, if you will hear,
And plainly make the Thing appear :
This Morn I left my Plow and ran—
With bonny ſufan, Kate, and Nan,
To ſee an Aſſ-Race on the Plain.

We made much Hafe, for we were told,
That Men would ride all Iac'd with Gold :
We wonder'd much ſo great their Pride
That Lords, and Squires would Aſſes ride.

What Numbers of fine Folks were there!
Lord! at the Shew, how we did ſtare;
Some rode in Coaches ſplit in twain,

To view at once the ſhewy Train;
Fine Beaux in Chaires ſeem'd to fly,
Flutt'ring like Paper Kites on high,
Full in the Midft were Aſſes led,

With gaudy Trappings all befpread,
Who, with Deportment grave and wife,
Seem'd all this fine Shew to deſpife.

Fair Nymphs to ſee, and to be ſeen,
And smiling with alluring Mien,
Stood in the Stand, all in a Row,

And pleas'd beheld the Crowd below.
The gazing Crowd ſo preſs'd and teaz'd me,
That underneath the Stand they ſqueez'd me,

L

Where

( 110 )

Where thro' the Crannies I could spy—
More pleasing Charms with half an Eye
Than those abroad that gaz'd so high.
White Legs, Thighs taper, and that fame,
Which, tho' I saw, I dare not name !
It would have made thy Heart to leap
But to have had, one single peep.
Here Dick cried out, and laugh'd aloud,
A mighty Sight to see a Crowd !
And pray, how common 'tis, dear Brother,
To see the Afles ride each other !
The gilded Chariots, Coach and Chaise,
Are what I'd stare at with Amaze;
And what you saw beneath the Stand,
Nothing more common in the Land !
For such a Sight you need not roam,
—Sufan can shew as good at Home.

Epitaph on a Country Parish-Clerk.

HERE lies entomb'd within this Vault so
dark,
A Taylor, Weaver, Soldier, and a Clerk.
Death snatch'd him hence, and also from him
took
His Needle, Thimble, Sword, and Prayer-book.
He could not work, nor fight, nor read—what
then?
But left the World, and faintly cry'd—Amen.

Written

( 111 )

Written on the Chamber Door of King
Charles II.

HERE lies the Mutton-eating King,
Whose Word no Man relies on ?
Who never said a foolish Thing,
Nor ever did a wife one.

On his Wife.

HERE lies my poor Wife, without Bed or
Blanket.
But dead as a Door Nail—God be thanked !

In St. Dunstan's Church, on a Prize-
Fighter.

HIS Thrifts like Lightning flew—more
filiful Death
Parried 'em all, and beat him out of Breath.

On a Blacksmith.

MY Sledge and Hammer lie reclin'd,
My Belows too have loft their Wind;
My Fire's extinct, my Forge decay'd,
And in the Duft my Vice is laid;
My Coal is spent, my Iron's gone,
My Nails are drove, my Work is done.

L 2

(112)

## On a Lady.

HERE lies a Lady, who if not bely'd
Took wife St. Paul's Advice, and all
Things try'd:
Nor stop'd she here; but follow'd thro' the reft,
And always stuck the longest to the best.

## The Penance.

WHEN Phillis confes'd the Father was rafh,
And so without further Reflection,
Her delicate Skin he condemn'd to the Lash,
While himself would beftow the Correction:
Her Husband, who heard this, oppos'd it by
urging,
That he, in Regard to her Weakneſs,
And to save her ſoft Back, would himself bear
the Scourging,
With humble Submission, and Meekneſs.
She piouſly cry'd, when the Prieſt gave Accord,
To ſhow what Devotion was in her,
He's able and luſty, pray cheat not the Lord,
For, alaſ ! I'm a very great Sinner.

## On Chloe.

HERE *Chloe* lies,
Whose once bright Eyes,
Set all the World on Fire;
And not to be,
Ungrateful, she
Did all the World admire.

The

(113)

## The FARMER'S WISH.

THE Things that bring us true Content,
Dear Friend, are these, to pay no Rent,
But plough your own (tho' little Farm,)
A homely House, tho' ſnug and warm.
Free from the Head-ach, Gout and Phthisick,
Going to Law, or taking Physick;
A faithful Friend to tell your Mind to,
A lovely Damſel to be kind to;
No drunken Bouts to heat your Head,
No Cares to diſcompoſe your Bed;
But ſleep all Night in Peace and Quiet;
A modeſt Garb and ſimple Diet;
Well pleas'd to be juſt what you are,
And you enough of Fortune ſhare.

## EPIGRAM.

GILES Folt as ſleeping in his Cart he lay,
Some pilf'ring Villains ſtole his Team
away.
Giles wakes and cries—" what's here, a-dikin
" what,
" Why how now, am I Giles? or am I not?
" If he—I've loſt fix Geldings to my Smart;
" If not, odds Buddikins, I've found a Cart.

L 3

The

( 114 )

The Fortunate SAILOR,

HONEST Jack and his Wife, once to Sea,
took a Trip,

When a sudden crofs Wind overset the light
Ship,

Hand in Hand over Deck went this Couple
together,

Sufan funk like a Stone, and Jack fwam like
a Feather.

Thank my Stars ! fays poor Jack, (safe eſcap'd
from the Flood,)

'Tis a bad Wind indeed that blows No-Body
Good.

The EXCHANGE.

WHILE Careful ſcolds his Daughter Molly
And tells her ſhe's undone,

By lying with her Lover ſolly,
Their Neighbour's eldeſt Son.

My Maidenhead is gone (cries Mifs,)
Yet, what care I a Farthing :

I gave him mine, but I've got his,
And Pleasure in the Bargain..

On a Window in a Coffee Houſe.

IF Kiffies were the only Joys in Bed,
Then Women would with one another
wed.

Written

( 115 )

Written on a Young Lady's ALMANACK.

THINK bright Florella, when you fee
The conſtant Changes of the Year,
That nothing is from Ruin free,
And gayeſt Things muſt diſappear.

Think of your Glories in their Bloom,
The Spring of ſprightly Youth improve ;
For cruel Age alas will come,
And then, 'twill be too late to Love.

Written by Dr. S W I F T.

On his own DEAFNESS.

DEAF, giddy, helpleſs, left alone,
To all my Friends a Burthen grown;
No more I hear my Church's Bell,
Than if it rang out for my Knell:

At Thunder now no more I ſtart,
Than at the Rumbling of a Cart;
Nay what's incredible, alack !
I hardly hear a Woman's Clack.

On HAPPINESS.

THE Learn'd are happy, Nature to explore ;
The Fool is happy, that he knows no more.

The

( 116 )

The Rich are happy in the Plenty given,
The Poor contents him with the Care of
Heaven.

See the blind Beggar dance, the Cripple sing,
The Sot a Hero, Lunatick a King,
The starving Chymist in his golden views,
Supremely blest, the Poet in his Mufe.

## The MAIDENHEAD.

HAVE you not in a Chimney seen,
A fullen Faggot wet and green,
How coily it receives the Heat,
And at both Ends doth fume and sweat ?

So fares it with the harmleſs Maid,
When firſt upon her Back ſhe's laid;
But the well experienc'd Dame,
Cracks and rejoices in the Flame.

On seeing a Painter brush off the Nofe of
the Statue of King CHARLES the Second,
in the Royal-Exchange.

IN better Times, in Days of Yore,
Tho' Charly rang'd from Wh-re to Wh-re,
Yet, current as the Story goes,
The merry Monarch fav'd his Nofe.
But now, in these degen'rate Days,
Such Parts are ſubject to Decays;

And

( 117 )

And what a Legion could not cruſh,
Is broken by a ſingle Bruſh.

## The ENCOURAGEMENT.

’TIS the *Arabian* Bird alone,
Lives chafte, becaufe there is but one;
But had kind Nature made them two,
They would like Doves and Sparrows do.

## The SAILOR

WHEN on the Gunnel of a Ship,
Poor Jack was running with some Flips;
There came a cruel Cannon-Ball,
Which ſhot his Foot off, Leg and all.
Jack ſaw his Expeſtation croft,
And cry'd d—n me, the Flip is loft.

## EPITAPHS.

HERE lies one who was born and cried,
Told threecore Years and then he died.
His grealeſt Actions that we find,
Were that he waſh'd his Hands and din'd.

HERE lies old Beck, who ſold Fruit at the
Croſs,
And now ſhe's departed, we ſhall have a Loſs;
She was a good Wife, and a kind loving Mother.
And all Things confider'd, we've ſcarce ſuch
another.

The