558

JUDGE

I AM THANKFUL

ECAUSE I am not dead. Whether I am thankful
that I am alive is another question.

Because I am a plain American citizen. I
might have been a prohibitionist, a socialist, a the-
osophist, or a leader of some political clan.

Because the only disease I am afflicted with is
a bad liver. It might have been asthma or just
plain phthisis.

Because I am not predisposed to worry. I might have been a million-
aire or the editor of a religious newspaper.

Because the young ladies next door daily practice "Silvery Waves"
and "The Mocking Bird." It might have been the "Liebestod" from
Wagner's "Tristan and Isolde" or the "Dansé Macabre" of Saint-Saëns.

Because my favorite reading is a good novel. Suppose I had been
fond of cosmic philosophy or the *Congressional Record*?

Because I know a good thing when I see one. I might have been
unable to appreciate the modern cocktail or the advertising columns of the
daily press.

Because I have gone through that sizzling furnace, that ecstatic

WHAT WE MAY EXPECT.

BROTHER JACK—"About a month ago old Billion's
daughter promised to be a sister to me."

SISTER KATE—"Did she?"

BROTHER JACK—"Old Billion died last week and
didn't leave me a cent. I'm going to contest the will."

SISTER KATE—"Contest the will!"

BROTHER JACK—"Yes; if she's his daughter and my sister then I'm his
son."

alloverishness known as love. Just think of it! as for love, bachelors
and misogynists are simply not built for it.

Because I know the virtue of self-restraint. Surely it is something
to be able to drop a pair of deuces or to run away when a mad dog
approaches.

Because I was born with the spirit of accommodation in me. I
always accept a free pass and the favorable notices of my friends.

Because I have never held office. By some stroke of lightning
I might have been private secretary to the president of the United
States or even first assistant watchman at the barge office.

Because this article will bring a cheque to

NATHAN M. LEVY.

A COMPROMISE.

Grandma (to little May, aged five, the household terror)—"Don't
you know that poor mamma is very delicate, and that when you are so
very, very naughty it makes her very much worse? Mamma can't
stand it any longer. You will kill her. Now what shall we do?"

May (sitting on small stool in front of grandma while mamma
is weeping on sofa) — "Well, I don't know; but if she'd get another
doctor perhaps she could stand it better."

VIEWED FROM THE BALL-ROOM GALLERY.

She—"What was the nature of the entertainment at Mrs.
Catesby Hautton's last night?"

He—"It was an evening mass-meeting."

THE ECONOMY OF HEALTH.

Pater (sternly)—"Now, children, I don't want you to get sick
any more until that last measles-account is settled with the doctor."

AN INSURMOUNTABLE OBSTACLE.

UNCLE WILL—"What nice chicks you have, Sarah Ann! Won't you name
one of them after me?"

SARAH ANN—"Why, I can't, Uncle Will, 'cause they're all girls."

AN EXPLAINED MYSTERY.

OUR DINAH (*speaking fervently*)—"How 'n de worl' dat new boardah
gits he's haid frough dat shirt-band, dis chile fails fer ter see!"

—But when the new boarder appeared at dinner the next day, and gave
evidence that he was one of those chimpanzee-built men, Dinah ceased to wonder.