134 / 1980S—DEVILISH DINNERS AND ROWDY ROASTS

appointed to the Nobel Sperm Bank. The mind boggles to think that in another generation any woman can go to any sperm bank in America and order a Henry Kissinger with an American accent." That's wrong on so many levels. Douglas had begun the evening with, "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here tonight to honor a man who has flown more air miles than Jonathan Livingston Seagull; has tasted more ethnic dishes than a New York politician; and who has awakened in more Hilton Hotels than Zsa Zsa Gabor. A man who speaks with an accent but never with forked tongue." Anyone remember Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Those Friars were always so topical.

If Kissinger, the man, was Toasted this particular evening, his haughty personality was Roasted. Here's what Barbara Walters had to say this night: "Everything pompous that you could possibly want to say about him he says about himself first. This past Tuesday I heard Shimon Perez, the leader of the opposition party in Israel, toast Henry Kissinger at a small dinner by recalling when he first met the then Secretary of State, 'Shall we call you Mr. Secretary or do you prefer Dr. Kissinger?' And with great modesty Henry Kissinger answered, 'How about simply, Your Excellency.'"

While in 1980 Kissinger was married to Nancy, Walters recalled a time when he was one of the sexiest single men alive. She had interviewed him for the *Today* show in 1970. "Our producer said, 'Make sure you tell people who he is.' So I spent fifteen out of the twenty-minute interview telling people who Henry Kissinger was, and assuring them that in spite of the accent he was *our* national security advisor. At the end of the interview, I said of this new bachelor around Washington who was beginning to stir some attention, 'Dr. Kissinger, how do you feel now when people are beginning to call you a swinger?' And he said, 'I love it now, because when I bore people they think it's their fault.'" So when you read about Kissinger again at Barbara Walters's Dinner in 1994 and start nodding off, it will be all your own fault.

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politician complained that he had to stand between Gregory Peck and Barbara Sinatra during the "Star Spangled Banner," and Peck told him to "stand up." He was going to bring a motion up to the UN, "When national anthems are played, I feel short people should stand and tall people kneel." Ephraim Evron, the ambassador to Israel, apparently has a competing sitcom, addressing the crowd thusly as he approached the podium, "Your royal highness, ladies and gentlemen. If there was one thing we learned very quickly when Dr. Kissinger arrived in Israel, it was his modesty." (I love that word "thusly," by the way.)

William F. Buckley must have given the guest of honor ego lessons: "Henry Kissinger was toying with the idea of running for the senate, always assuming that Jack Javits elected to retire. He confided this rumination to me, soliciting my advice, which is much more valuable than my support."

Bob Hope is one of those legends in his own time and he isn't represented enough at these events, although the Friars did have a Dinner for him in 1953. Can you feel a digression coming on? It'll only take a minute, I swear, and I promise to throw in a politico so you won't lose the feel of Henry's bash—how's that? So at Hope's Dinner in 1953, George Jessel was the Toastmaster and in attendance was Vice President Alben W. Barkley. Just out of curiosity, how many of you Americans knew that Mr. Barkley was the VP in 1953? "Jesse Block phoned me to come to the Hope Dinner and say a few things," said Fred Allen, "while Jessel's on the phone, there's Berle, the Abbot of the Friars, on TV doing my jokes! Swell timing these Friars have; Monsignor Fulton Sheen is doing so well on TV that his sponsor, Admiral, is planning to put out a new set, specially for the clergy. It will have stained glass tubes."

Berle was at Hope's Dinner, of course. "I'm happy Hope's not opposite me on TV. I have enough trouble with Fulton Sheen." To which Jessel responded, "You've now heard file No. 9." So basically Berle has always recycled jokes, is that the deal? Hope, for his part, had this to say—and this is one of the reasons why this little digression fits so perfectly: "No man could be so great as these fellows said I was. But they finally convinced me." Such modesty won't be seen again until, say, 1980.

136 / 1980S—DEVILISH DINNERS AND ROWDY ROASTS

19

Hope also added about Berle, "He's great and I love him on television. He's Mr. TV. At least he was until Tallulah got on." Wasn't that a nice look back?

In 1980 Hope put the Kissinger evening in perspective by pointing out, "I haven't had a night like this since Howard Cosell invited me to his reading of the *Encyclopedia Britannica*." It was the Friars Club meets *Masterpiece Theater*—with a Teutonic flair. He continued with a little celebrity gossip. "Fred Astaire was at the Kentucky Derby today, and he's going to marry jockey Robyn Smith. He's going for the long ride. I think it's a marvelous thing, I think it's brave of Fred to marry someone carrying a whip. And I can't wait for the wedding with Gene Autry singing, 'We're back in the saddle again.'" He moved on to religion. "The Israeli Ambassador, I know they don't have kosher food here but the Waldorf did the next best thing, they had Sammy Davis bless the whole bit."

Hope did spend some time talking about the Friars. "This is a great organization, they do this every year, it's a charitable organization. All these wonderful members gather every day to discuss the fate of less fortunate poor people—their gin opponents. It's not generally known, but Robert Taylor, Georgie Jessel, and myself started the L.A. chapter of the Friars in 1938. It was Jessel's idea; he needed a place to hide out from paternity suits. I was the original Abbot of the L.A. Friars. I really was; it's a very responsible position, it's true. Very responsible, about as important as dialogue director on *Deep Throat*, and I enjoyed it." He ended, appropriately, on politics. "Ronald Reagan. I can't wait to see an actor in the White House, won't that be great? With Max Factor as head of the state department. I can see the president sending over Don Rickles as ambassador to Iran. He'd walk in to the Ayatollah and say, 'Look, Kakamanie, you need a new flea collar.'"

Frank Sinatra was filming *The First Deadly Sin* during this time (his first film after a ten-year absence), so he arrived late to the Dinner. Lucky for him, his wife, Barbara, had saved a seat for him on the dais, not that he took it. Rumor has it that he opted to stand backstage because he didn't want to share the dais with Barbara Walters. Maybe she made him cry once

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or forced him to admit that he would like to come back as a fern in the next life. In any case, it's just a rumor. I wouldn't give it a second thought. After addressing Kissinger as "Dr. Strangelove," he apologized for his tardiness and said, "Henry, I owe you another apology. I was asked to sing your theme song tonight but, unfortunately, I don't know the words to 'Heil to the Chief,' otherwise I would have done that. Too often these affairs wind up as a contest as to who is the funniest or the most eloquent. So far, while I was waiting backstage, neither of those things did I hear. Since I am neither, I'll say what I have to say the best way I know how and get back to my movie set and a bottle of Jack Daniels." "You're a hell of a man, Henry, and there's only one thing between you and I we can't decide—who is more humble, you or me." Oh, I say once a man has had his Jack Daniels, he's beyond humble.

The guest of honor may not be known for his comedic skills but he certainly rose to the occasion, stating, "I would like to thank all of those who have spoken so eloquently on my behalf. You have said nothing, which any rational man could disagree. And you have omitted much that my office would have been glad to supply to you. I will cherish what you have said nearly as long as I will quote it, as classic examples of Anglo-Saxon understatement. There has been some comment here about my ego, which I frankly rather resent. My wife Nancy does not agree with it. Neither does my dog Tyler. Nor do my staff assistants, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John."

Kissinger also needed to set things straight with dais guest Mike Wallace. "Before I go any further, let me clear up the unpleasantness that has been mentioned here regarding the program *60 Minutes*. I'm quoted as saying they were going to do a hatchet job and that I was threatening to sue them. They claim I was seeking editorial control. It is all a terrible misunderstanding. *60 Minutes* is doing a program called "The Shah-Kissinger Connection" that I cannot accept. Anything that gives me second billing is a hatchet job. As for the editing, all I asked for is that they must use complete sentences. They said they would allow me up to fourteen minutes. That did it