révenge, I picked up the hoe and worked along until I came to the end of the row that ended at a corn field, and then the injunction of my Grandfather came to me with catapult force, and I resolved to give farm life " Leg Bail", dodging into the corn I ran between the rows as fast as my tired legs would admit of " Bail", until I came to the house.

With the remark that I wanted to get a tool in the attic, I passed up stairs, tied my SUNDAY coat and trowsers, and shoes into a bundle, and by the aid of a clothes line lowered them to the ground at the back of the house. Picking up a chisel from the tool box in the attic I went down stairs, and as I passed out of the door gave my sister the wink to follow me. She quickly joined me behind the house and then I told her that I was going away. She burst into tears, and clung to me, and began me not to go, but I was resolved, and after kissing her goodbye I tore myself away, and in this life I have never seen her again, nor have I ever seen any of my Step Father's family, and never expect to, for if there is a hell he is there, while the whereabouts of his children does not interest me in the smallest degree.

I trotted across the prairie ten miles that day to the town of Warren where I had an uncle residing, with whom I staid a few weeks, and then made my way back to my grandfather's house at Freeport, where I lived until the outbreak of the Rebellion. Believing that it was my duty to crush the rebellion at the outset, I joined the 15th Ll, Vol I (f')ty, Col Tjhos, J, Turner, and proceeded to crush the rebellion, but as it took me five years to do it, I will reserve discussion of the ways and means that I employed to reach the desired end.

On the Missouri.

When the 15th Ill Vol. In'ft were ordered to the
front, we took the railroad to Alton, where we were
camped for one night in the old State Prison yard,
thus fulfilling the prediction made by a worthy rel-
ative of mine when I was a boy, that I would land in-
side a prison some day. However our stay there was
so short, that my esteemed relative could have deri-
ved little satisfaction from the knowledge that her
prediction had been fulfilled, for the next morning
we were hustled aboard the steamer David Tatum, at th
that time one of the largest, and most popular staem-
boats on the river. We learned after our gang plank
had been pulled in we were bound for Jeffersonvi-
the Capital of Missouri, and that there we might expe-
pect to see immediate service, as Price and VanDorn
were making "Ducks and Brakes", of all efforts to
keep them out of Northern Missouri.

We were all in high spirits, as all new soldiers are,
on the way to their first battle field, and the indi-
vidual feats of arms that were performed in the imag-
ination of each man aboard that boat would fill more
pages in description than could be crowded inside the
confines of a library.

Suddenly a change came over the "spirit of our
dreams", for the cry of "man overboard" sent a shock
through the living mass on that boat that no after ex-
perience in a soldier's life could ever equal.

It happened that a man in Company "H" attempted to
draw some water from the river in imitation of the ad
sailors, whom he had been watching slushing down the
deck. Taking a bucket from its rack he dropped it
overboard directly in front of where he was standing,
after taking a wrap around his hand of the rope.

Of course the bucket filled, and the rapid movement
of the boat added to the natural force of the stream
jerked him overboard like a flash. This happened
when the boat had gone about a mile into the Missouri
from its junction with the Mississippi, where the
current was at least ten miles an hour. In explanation
it should be said that the proper way to draw water
under such circumstances, is to hold the rope firm-
ly in the right hand, without wrapping it about the
hand. Then taking a firm hold with the left hand of
some anchorage, the bucket should be thrown ahead of
current, and as it fills and comes abreast of the draw-
ner, he should give it a quick pull to the surface,
and letting go the hold with the left hand and by a
quick motion slide the left hand as far down on the
rope as possible, and then land the bucket on the
deck. The thing is extremely simple to one acoustom-
ed to it, but our raw country boy had never seen any
thing of the kind before, and of course his ignoranow
was his undoing. But he made a stout fight for his
life, for all encumbered as he was with his Knapsack
and belts he managed to get rid of them, and his clo-
thing down to his undershirt. This we could all see
very plainly as the boat had reversed her engines,

Burying the Hatchet

Our skirmish line at Nashville, followed an irregular line in our reg-
imental front, and finally emerged from a grove of well grown trees
into an open space, in the center of which there had been dug a rifle
pit to shield the men that were to stand guard duty in this exposed
spot. This rifle pit was dug deeper than the usual kind, and was
finished with a head log of green pine about nine inches in di-
ameter. I am thus explicit about dimensions, as it was my luck to do
several " Tricks" behind that headlog, and I remember that I mentally
quarrelled with the judgment that did not order that headlog to be two
feet in diameter at least, for that particular rifle pit was the mark for
all the shappshooters in Hanks's army while the siege lasted.

One Sunday morning my company was ordered to the skirmish line for its turn of picket duty. It was a cold, raw day, and the ground was covered with a thin coating of sleet and ice, that made the prospect of twenty-four hours on duty without a fire rather a depressing prospect, even to men who were inured to that sort of thing. However, in those days we had little time for fault finding, and we did not care what kind of grub we got so long as it was filling, so we made the best of it. We had two men in my company who were irreconcilable enemies from some trifling cause. One was a Frenchman named Babin, and the other a Swede named Natsaxx Nelson. As luck would have it these two men were detailed to the rifle pit in the open, and when they realized it, they glared at each other, and in their respective tongues anathematized their eyes and limbs. The only way that men could get to the rifle pit without being a target for the "Rebs", was to lie down and crawl about a hundred feet from the edge of the clearing before they could roll into the "Pit" and then sit upright. Once in the "Pit" they were safe from anything but artillery fire, and could replenish the fire that was always kept burning in the daytime in the bottom of the "Pit", and otherwise proceed to make themselves as comfortable as the circumstances would permit.

Those of us who had not been detailed stacked our arms at " The Reserve" from which we could plainly see the occupants of the skirmish line from one side of thepen space to the other. Knowing that a feud was on between Babin and Nelson, we watched them to see how they would get along together. Each man took his seat at the extreme end of the trench from each other, and humped themselves in a human ball to keep warm, for neither of them would reach out his hand to get wood to replenish the fire so intense was their hatred of doing anything that would seem consonant with the desires of the other. At last we grew weary of watching them, and disposed ourselves as comfortably as we could to await our turn for duty on the line. We had been on the "Reserve" about an hour, when several staff officers rode up to the "Reserve" and began talking with the Officer of the Guard. We surmised that this meant an immediate advance of our skirmish line, but after they road away, our Lieutenant told us, that a battery of A, J, Smiths command was going to shell the woods in our front, and that we were not to move away from the " Reserve" which was a little to the right of the line of fire that the battery was going to work on.

Pretty soon the guns opened, and the shells went crashing through
the branches of the trees over our heads while they were getting the
range. About ten shots had been fired when a shell from a gun that had
been too much depressed came tearing through the under brush, about
twenty feet from where we were lying, and landed plump in the middle of
the "Pit" which sheltered the sons of France and Sweden, and then
exploded with terrific force, demolishing the "Pit" completely

and

throwing the occupants into space and landing them several feet away.

Of course we thought they were both killed, but to our surprise, in a few minutes Babin raised his head cautiously and looking around let go a yell that might have been heard in Heaven, and then ducked his head and lay quietly. " He's gone, said someone. At that Nelson sat up, and looking around in a dazed sort of way began to feel of himself to find if he was all there. Satisfied that there was nothing missing of any value to himself, he laid down again. Somebody said, "I guess he's got his dose". Suddenly they both sat up, and without a word got on their feet advanced to each other, shook hands, and laid down again.

The whole thing from where we were watching them was too funny for expression, knowing as we did how cordially they hated each other, but it proved sent iment, " That one touch of nature makes the whole world kin".

An order that Did'nt go

When my regiment was in camp at Rolla Missouri, just before we were stat
started in the chase after Price & Van Vorn through South-Western Miss-
Our Colonel bethought himself that he would correct the reprehensible
habit of swearing that was as usual, and always will be in evidence wh3n
soldiers are banded together. To this end he issued an order rehear-
sing certain penalties that would be inflicted for the use of profane

To this end he issued an order rehear-
sing certain penalties that would be inflicted for the use of profane
language by any member of the regiment. I do not remember the exact
terms of the order, but it said among other things that, if any Non-Com-
missioned Officer who heard a privat swear and did not report him would
be reduced to the ranks, while any Private convicted of the offence was
to be fined a certain part of his monthly pay.
There was a momentary consternation in the ranks when the order

There was a momentary consternation in the ranks when the order
was read at Roll Call, and an excited discussion of the extraordinary
proceeding on the part of the Colonel as soon as the companies were
dismissed to their quarters.
This discussion went on all day, but a few courageous spirits for

This discussion went on all day, but a few courageous spirits for
ed themselves into a committee to work some plan to make the order so
obnoxious that it would have to be repealed. By nightfall they had con
cooted a plan that was daring as it was original. The word was
passed that the petty tyranny must be fought tooth and nail, and a
Round Robin called every man to sustain the Committee. In answer to
the call, about one half the regiment gathered round the Colonel's
tent after Taps were sounded, and began swearing by companies, and
battallion, in the most ornamental and picturesque style known to sol-
diers. The plan was a complete success, and forever killed a fur-
ther attempts to curtail our privileges, for if swearing is not a priv-
ilege with a soldier then nothing is.

It was a bitter pill for the Colonel to swallow, especially as
it made him the laughing stock of the whole brigade.
There were many instances in the early stages of the war, of like

There were many instances in the early stages of the war, of like
attempts of Volunteer officers to enforce their peculiar individual
views on the discipline of their regiments, and in every case it was a
failure, because the Volunteer Soldier of '61 was as a rule intelligent
enough to know how far he was bound to obey, and how much he was obli-
ged to accept from those in authority. It did not take the Officers
long to find out that anything outside the Army Regulations was not
to be grafted on the control of our citizen soldiery in the field.
Spanish criticism would have said that we had lax discipline in

spanish criticism would have said that we had lax discipline in
our armies, because the soldier did not crack his heels together and
salute every petty officer that he happened to meet off duty. But Span-
ish critics would have found that the discipline of war found full
action on the field of battle or in emergency . . That a man can as-
sume the position of a soldier, does not prove that he is one.

An episode of Chickamauga

On the morning of the 19th if Sept 1863, our long
march over Sand Mountain was ended, by our decent
into the valley, where we were assigned our
place in the line of fire, but before we were swung
swung into the line of battle, we were allowed at
few hours rest at a place called Crawfish Springs.
I often wonder if any man who served in my regimen
during that campaign, will ever forget Crawfish
Springs? As it happened the 89th was halted with
the right of the regiment within a few feet of the
source, and when the order stack arms was given
and obeyed, every man in that regiment began to
pull off his clothes for a swim in the clear water
that flowed from the spring and made one of the
most beautiful small streams I have ever seen. I
can only liken it to the Colorado River in Texas.
Officers and men alike vied with each other in get-
ting into the water first. In less time than an hour
my halting pen can tell it, the steam was filled
to its banks by the tired, hot and dusty men. But
they had taken no thought of what sort of a tem-
perature they were exchanging for the pleasure of
a bath, for as every man struck the water, he let
out an unearthly yell, and scrambled back on the
bank there to roll on the grass, and shout and cut
up more monkey shines, than a schoolboy.

It was all very funny to see several hundred naked men cavorting about, but the onlookers at a distance did not know that they had been gazing at a lot of men who had jumped into water that was ice cold, as it flowed away to the sea from one of the most lovely Springs in America.

Ah, that happy experience was soon to follow ed by
the death of many of the men who, that morning
did not appear to have a care in the world, and
for the time being forgot the grim errand that had
brought them so many miles to deliver.

A thousand times I have recalled that scene, and
have often wished that I could re-visit that place
which will endure as a landmark in my memory of
those stirring days.

To the traveller in that sweet valley, I offer th
the advice to be sure of one hour's pleasure by
visiting Crawfish Springs.

["A TEXAS BAND WAGON", "The Troubadours were booked to open the new Opera House(?) at Brenham\nTekas, and on the date mentioned win the contract we arrived in town\nwith bright anticipations of an overflowing house that ni ght in honor\nof the event. Opera Houses were not built as rapidly in those days\nas in the last decade, and to open one was considered a great opportun-\nity. Detremined that the night should be one to be long remembered in\nthe ahnals of the town, I set my wits to work to plan something that\nwould add special eclat to the occasion , and insure the presence of a\nbig audience . After a gigantic mental effort, I decided that a FUNNY\nPARADE was thething to set the town a-talking , and make them leave the\nit's supper to be at the theatre on time. I imparted the plan to\nWebster and Maeder, and they rose to the hook like a hungry trout. In-\ndeed Maeder went so far in his admiration as to compliment the genius\nthat was always devising something new, and to predict a great future\nfor a man who was always ready with an expedient prospectus for instant\nuse. After having approved me as much as my modesty would permit,\nMaeder started for the Theatre to get the Stage Wardrobe , which by my\ndirection he was to send to the Livery Stable, where In intende to fit\nout the \" Parade\". Oliver Wren was at that time a memeber bof the\nCompany, and when I approached him with a proposal that he join the\nhorseman that were to dazzle theeyes of Brenham, but he balked , and\nsaid \" That he thought he would sit on the fence and see the procession\ngo by, if I did not mind\". Somewhat piqued that he did not see how much\nhe was honored by my invitation, I said \" Oh never mind , we only want\nHorsenanny horsemen\" and walked away cock sure that he would feel the\npangs of envy when he heard the welcoming shouts of the multitude that\nwould greet our appearance on the streets.", "I hied me to the Livery Stable with Webster, and hargained for\nthree GOOD saddle horses, and a driving horse. The driving horse I put\ninto an old depot wagon shafts, while 9n side the wagon I placed an old\nHarley to drive and ring a large Auction Bell to attract attention to\nthe legends I had painted on white cotton cloth banners which I atta\ned to each side of the wagon. The x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x_x

horse to a gallop I soon overtook the " Coon Orchestra", and as I had
rather a spirited plug of a bronco under me, I showed up pretty well to
the mob, though in his prancing from side to side of the street I heard
such occasional remarks as " Well I'm Ddd---d, where in h--l did that
come from etc, etc. When we had gone about a dozen blocks, I sudden-
ly realized, on looking around, that the " Parade had a gap in it be-
ginning where my horses tail ended to leeward. The BAND WAGON and it's
inventor were alone. XXX

Ordering the " Wagon " to halt and wait for further orders, I
wheeled by column to the rear, to look up the rest of the forces .

They were nowhere to be seen, but I found a great crowd of people
who greeted my return with shouts of laughter, and occasional pistol
shots in the air that seemed to be the only way to relieve their pent up
merriment. Threading my way through the jeering mob of boys and cow
punchers to the stable I yelled an inquiry for the whereabouts of Web-
stre and Maeder. The door of the stable cautiously opened an inch or
two, and Websters voice cried, " Here I am " What the devil are
you doing there, "said I, " How did you get back there? " The horse
brought me back, " He answerd " and I could not stop him". " Where is
Maeder? I askeds I asked ? " D--d if I know", Said Webster, " He went
down a side street somewhere, for Heavens sake go and find him or he
will be killed. 2 Open the door W Said I " So I can get in there a
minute. The door was opened, and I dashed in, and jumping off, I peeled
of the toggery I had on, and jumping back into the saddle started to
find Maeder. Nobody knew me now, as we had worn masks when we began
" The Parade", so I rode unnoticed. Brenham at that time was a small
town, and it did not take me long to traversers e most of the streets
in my search, for Maeder. Finnally I ran him down about a quatter of
a mile outside the Corporation, on the readside, in a Hazeixnutxpxtkhxx
patch of Hazel Nut bushes, that his horse was quietly browsing on, while
his rider sat there the picture of helplessness, and the great delight
of a couple of women who were leaning from a window about a block away
who were watching him, and wondering what manner of man had come to
Brenham. " Where have you been? " Said I ? " Oh, 'round several places
that I never saw before " Said he. " Why did'nt you follow me? " I yell
ed ? " Horse objected" said he. " Why did'nt you give him the spur? " I
did " said he, " And when I got down off the horn of the saddle I con-
cluded I would not try that again. " well fall off now, andtake off
those togs, roll'em up and scoot for the hotel, while I take that horse
back to the stable. " He scooted accordingly, as he afterwards told me
through all the back alleys he could find. I took this horse back to
the stable to find that Webster had clined over the back fence of the
Livery stable yard and had also scooted for the hotel.

All at once it occurred to me, that the Band Wagon was waiting
orders, and I hired a boy to go down the street and tell the aged "Coon
to come in out of the wet, which was coming down in a fine rainstorm
that had started. This ended the PARADE, but a thousand funny inci-
dents must remain untold because they cannot be condensed into the lim-
its of a short recital like this.

You ask what effect the affair had on the business. I sadly reply
the worst possible, for NOBODY came to see the Show, save the few who
had reserved their seats before our arrival.

However the second night we had our revenge, for the merits of
Patchwork having been discussed overnight, we could not hold the people
who wanted to see it the second and last night that " The Troubadours"
ever played in Brenham.

" The Manager of the Opera House asked me, in that tone which indicates hopeless regret, and pity when our engagement was over, " Slas-bury, why did you do THAT". I replied that " The human mind was a
as inscrutable as the stars, and while THAT had failed of it's object,
he should bear in mind, that even the plan of Salvation for a Mohamm-
dan could not but fail from an Orthodox standpoint.

# A Night in Joplin

In the early days of the "Troubadours" we did our share of "Barnstorming" and once upon a time we found ourselves in Joplin, Missouri, which at that time was just beginning to be an important lead mining town.

The plays for that evening were " The Brook " preveded by " A Cup of Tea". Both of these plays were so far above the heads of our audience that I have since wondered why we were not arrested for getting money under false pretences.

I think the receipts that evening must have aggregated Sixty Dollars or less. I am sure they were not more than that sum. There may have been two hundred men and boys, and about four women in that audience. In the first mentioned part of our audience I did not see one boiled shirt, or an entirely clean face.

I realized when we had garnered all the receipts that were likely to come to our treasury that evening, that we had made a frightful mistake in the selection of the bill for the evening, and that Patchwork would have stood a better show of being understood than the beautiful little play called "A Cup of Tea". But I proceded to debase this play by going on for the third time a Maid Servant, and making it an axx a Wild Irishman, looking for a fight. Of course I tore that argument of the whole play in tatters, and did every thing I could to make them laugh, as I knew that was what they wanted to do of anything. I unloaded every irish witicism I could remember, drew on my memory for all the specialties that I had ever seen in the Variety Halls, and in fact made a monkey of myself to save the situation. But I DID NOT save it, for they never cracked a smile. Everybody on the stage was speechless with ill concealed xixUGH enjoyment of my antics, and when the curtain feel, Webster and Nellie fairly had convulsions, and chaffed me unmercifully on my failure to please even the small boys in front.

In those days I very often used to sing the Old Sexton as a Song and Dance between the pieces, in communities where they liked that sort of thing. It occurred to me that I would save the day with the Old Sexton, and I sent down word to Maeder that I would do the song between them. I had always made up in Black tights, shoes, hat, gloves, in fact everything black. But this time I con ceived a brilliant idea.

I would give it to them in blue. To this end, I had out a blue pair of tights, shoes, jacket, hat with blue feather, and made my face blue to match.

I gave the signal, the curtain went up, and I saluted out from the Right first entrance, on Maeders astonished vision. Expecting to see me in black, he was so entranced by me blue aspect, that he forgot to start the symphony of the song, and falling into a gale of laughter, he yelled "I can't play it, I can't find the key, where did you get it".

In short he could not play the accompaniment for laughing, and walking down to the footlights with great dignity, I said "Well then I will go to City where there are competent piano pounders," and walked off the stage, and I have never sung the Old Sexton in Joplin yet.

I have often wondered what that audience must have thought of that performance. Where I came from, what I was trying to do, and why it was all about anyway?

But Our laughter was turned to worry before the performance, was over, for in the Brook Nellie spazzanddxhennkle and was incapable of acting for several weeks afterward. It was a sad wind up, of our fun, but I have never had any desire to revisit the scene of that evening exploits, although other ventures of mine have been successful in that town since it has grown to be a center of intelligence and wealth.

XENIA

Among the towns that the "Troubadours" played during the first Summer they were on the road was Xenia, Ohio. I am reminded of this at this writing by putting the town into the Wild West route for this Summer. This town of Xenia will always live in my memory as the one that furnished the most unique experience of any other if which I ever did business.

We were billed to appear in due time at the Town Hall, in Patchwork and a farce. We arrived on the date, and put up at one of the most modest hotels the town boasted of, and that was modest enough so far as the beds and bill of fare went, and my ability to meet the bills of particulars when presented. As soon as I had registered to the Company, I went to the "Hall" to see if there was anything in the way of scenery that we could use, and was agreeably disappointed to find the place very well supplied, and comfortable auditorium, which as a rule was an indication of enterprise on and patronage by the public which could think of it's own comfort, and the actor's necessities. I got everything in readiness, and then went to the hotel, feeling that we were in for a good evenings receipts. Alas for human hopes, never were appearances more deceptive. We went to the "Hall" and got reafy for the performance at the regular hour, and I opened the doors, raised the Box Office window and waited for customers. They never came. In fact, he or she never came. For not a single person darkened the door or passed the door of the "B Hall" except the Janitor and ourselves. And I believe this is a record, for I have never heard of any other showman having exactly the same experience, and the nearest to it that I ever heard of, was on another occasion when the "Troubadours" plaed a Matinee at Daly's Theatre to $11.50. If any other professional alive can equal this record I would like to crack a bottle with him, and will pay

for it gladly.

"HHope deferred maketh the heart sick" and at length it dawned upon me that we would not be likely to gather in the shekels desired to meet the daily expense, and when the busy hour of nine o'clock arrived, I sadly intimated to the Janitor that his services would not be needed any longer than it would take the Company to get out of their Stage togery and get out of the "Hall". This they finnaly did, and then wended their lonely way homeward to the hotel, wondering what was in store for us all, and if we had finally reached the end of our string?

On reaching the hotel I met a gentleman who introduced himself as a constable, and who presented me with an attachment against the baggage of the company ombehalf of the local bill poster. It seems that he had a scout out on the other side of the street from the "Hall" to report our prospects for doing business, and the scout had naturally so alarmed him the he became alarmed at the prospect he had for getting his money, and true to the bill posting instinct he promptly got hold of a Judge who compaxx issued the attachment against us, because it was feared that we would bolt the town in the night. Of course I was furious, because the bill had never been presented to me at all, and I knew my creditor had overreached himself in his anxiety to get the $16.00 owing him. I accompanied the Constable to the Court House followed by the male part of the Company, who were in a funk at the appearance of things. I found that the Bill poster had sufficient local influence to have Court convene to try the case, as the next day was Sunday and Court would not sit. I walked to the rail that separated justice and it's victims, and respectfully awaited the pleasure of the Judge, who after looking me over carefully said to the Constable, "Well what's the Case?" The Constable replied Mr,--- against these Show people. The Judge read the documentary evidence of our crime, and then said to me,

"Are you the manager of the show" I bowed affirmatively. "Whose signature is this" said he, handing me the attestation Billof Par-

ticulars, which he had taken from the officer. " That is the signature
of Charles J. Crouse, my Agent " said I. " Ah, so you acknowledge
this bill to be genuine?" Yes sir, said I " Absolutely so". " Then why
why have'nt you paid it? said he. " Because it has never been presen
ted to me for payment" said I. Looking at the Billposter he said" Is
this true" said the Judge ? " Yes sir" stammered the confused fool of a
fellow. " Case dismissed with costs for the defendant, who has a good
case of damage for libel if he chooses to push it. " " Clear the
Court ". The Constable waved us all out of the door, and we filed out,
I was the last one to r4ach the door, and just as I was going to close
it the JudgeS' voice arrested me " E-r rr Mr, Salsbury, one moment if
you please. " I stopped expeoting something to spoil my triumph, but
the Judge said " Close the door please, and Salsbury I have a d--d fine
watermelon in my private room, and if you say so we will cut it in hone
of your victory. " I was surprised exong expression for a moment
but when the thing dawned on me fully I xasaxaxax doubled up with laugh-
ter and it was several minutes before I could accept his offer, which I
finally did, and to crown the feast properly, the Judge sent acroos the
street to the hotel for a small bottle, and we gorged for two hours on
watermelon, wine and good fellowship. I then returned to the hotel
where all the company were anxiously awaitong me, for fear that my de-
tention by the Judgeengured something direful to our future . Giving
the boys a broad wink to reassure them , I walked up to the Bill Poster
who stood abashed with his bill in his hand, and aaked him loftily if
" Had a bill against me" Of course he handed it to me, and of course I
gave him the money, and when he had receipted it, I said to him " Now
my pretty Gazelle , I am going to punch the head off of you" and I made
a grab for him, but he dodged and flew out of the door faster than any
realmgazelle on Afri'cs Sunny Plain could do.

But I have nevr forgotten the watermelon that I ate with the Judge
or the novel experience of getting exact justice in a country town, whe
where the Showman has a small chance of getting anything that belongs to
him, once he falls foul of a local interest of any kind.

## Secret Service

When I write my famous book, which I intend dubbing, Sixteen Years in Hell with Buffalo Bill

I must not forget to grace it's pages with a short description, of the malice that a small minded man can evince when he attacks a gentleman to square himself in his own opinion, for abusing a confidence.

Cody makes a virtue of keeping sober most of the time during the Summer Season, and when he does so for the entire season, he looks on himself as a paragon of virtue, and self abnegation. I don't know but I should admit that plus to go undisputed, for when the fever gets into his brain, he forgets honor, reputation, friend and obligation, in his mad egeaness to fill his hide with rot gut of any kind. He becomes so utterly lost to all sense of decency, and shame, that he will fauxxx break his plighted word, and sully his most solemn obligation.

When he sobers up a little, he is so conceited as to imagine, he has had a perfect right to get drunk, no matter at what cost to his associates in business, and takes it for granted that he is so great a man that all the world excuses him because he is a hero, and an Old Timer, "who saved America from going back to the wilderness Columbus & found it."

As an instance of the workings of his mind, while it is poisoned by the memory of his shortcoming, he sought to justify himself after a drunk in Chicago, in which he claimed the company of General Miles and other distinguished men, by replying to my good natured chair about it, by asking who "MY SPY WAS IN THE WILD WEST." The poor drunken fool for got that he was surro8nded by four hundred people who marvelled at the injustice of a management, that could fine them heavily, for the same offense he was so often guilty of, when he set such a shining example.

My reply to the insult is on record, and ¹ would reproduce it here exo3pt that it is such a scorching collation of facts, that my narration of them might seem overdrawn by the average reader.

This drunk in question began on the 30th of August 1900, to be exact. There was some excuse for it, for he was at a banquet of old soldiers, and of course they fought their battles over again, and when they came to a place that was wet they took a drink as all footsore and weary soldiers will do. While his lapse was inexcusable from any business point of view, ¹ took a good natured view of it, for no particular harm was done, for it only took him five dys to sover up, when asa rule he would keep at it until he fell so sick that he could not move, or as he used to put it, His liver flopped, and then would cone the strain of getting his head reduced. That is his corporeal head, not his head that had what little grey matter he possessed. With the venom of an angry dog, he growled out his dirty insinuation, and got the reply most becoming the situation.

For years he had a lick spittle named W. O. Snyder in his service, and he knew he was just what I have called him, and yet his singular fatuity prompted him to keep the cur around him, until he robbed him so openly that he finally dropped on him,

I have in my possession a letter that Cody wrote to me, the first six weeks that we were together as partners. It was written because I had informed him, that the show would stop where it was of he did not sober up from the drunk that had lasted some days before the first performance had been given. In this letter he asks pardon, and pledgews worth that he would straighten himself out and attend to his work. Did he sober up? Not a bit of it, for he kept drunk until his "Liver fopped" in Pittsburg days after. It can be imagined what I went through during that time, when I fould that I had allied myself to a drunken beast, that did not scruple to imperil all my little savings to satisfy his slavish appetite. One can imagine what I have endured all these years, while building up a trade mark, that has carried him to the foot of the English Throne, and made him the associate of something better

Advance Agent

I had sent Burke to Barcelona to make the preliminary arrangements for the Wild West to visit that city, and as usual was compelled to go there myself to decide several matters that really did need deciding as the controlling circumstances superseded anything that I could do. At any rate, I responded to Burke's call and leaving Paris went to Marseilles where certain business called me on route. From there I took a boat to Barcelona. Or rather, I took a tub that was greasy outside and in with the filth that can only accumulate where the Latin race are masters of the soil. The deck of the boat was crowded with coops of live poultry so that there was no room to walk at all, even slopping over into the deck staterooms witty their malodorous presence. After a night of misery I arrived at the port of Barcelona and heard the rattle of the anchor chain (as the boat swung to her mooring) with more pleasure than I ever listened to a sonata in C minor, or Asia Minor or anywhere else.

Burke was on hand to take me ashore in one of the small boats that are the only means of going ashore in that harbor. It had begun to rain at an early hour that morning, and about the time I was shunted into the lighter, down a slippery plank, it was coming down in torrents soaking me to the skin, and making large rents in my usually sweet temper.

As the boat neared the shore at a snails pace, Burke suddenly jumped to his feet, and taking off his hat he fixed his enraptured gaze on the monument of Columbus that stands at the foot of the Prado on the harbor front.

In spite of the uncomfortable surroundings I could not help laughing at the droll figure he cut, with his long hair trailing down his back and a miniature ocean stream ing over his upturned face and following the creases of his " Slicker" to the bottom of the boat.

After a few minutes of this pantomime, I yelled at him a question as to why he was making such a blankety blank ass of himself. With the fine scorn inherited from a race of Irish kings curling his upper lip he said:-

"Is it possible that you see nothing to pay homage to in that beautiful counterpart of your best friend in this country"?

"My best friend" said I, "I see a fine statue of Columbus, nothing more."

"Nothing more? he shouted, "Nothing more?""Damn this utilitarian age of money grubbers, Oh, man without a soul, you should go down on your knees in adoration of the man that statuary typifies".

"In the devils name, why" said I.

"Why, Why, Why? Because he has been your ADVANCE AGENT FOR THE LAST FOUR HUNDRED YEARS, THAT'S WHY??????

Cody's Personal Representatives

All great men have their personal representatives, and why should not the Hero of the Plains have one, or two, or any number that might suit his August Mightiness.

The first man to represent Col. Cody by authority was W. O. Snyder. W. O. Snyder was as fine a specimen of a Time Server as I ever met. He began his service in the Wild West by watching a hole in the fence, in St. Louis. At that time he had all the attributes of a mna looking for a job. Applying to Mr. Sheible one day, he was given his board to watch the fence to keep the small boys out of the grounds. Mr. Snyder had been taught the rule that to make an impression on an employer one must seem to take a heartfelt interest in his business. This rule Mr. Snyder knew how to apply with skill and discretion. For he did it so well that he was promoted in a few days to the position of doorkeeper, and put on the regular salary list where he proved of real value for a time. But the dog that was in him began to bark after a while and betrayed his whereabouts, for after some years he began to be careless, and dissipated. So much so, that Sheible had to knock the rum out of him on several occasions. In time he got so unbearable, that I told Sheible to discharge him, but Sheible pleaded that he thought he could get him to behave himself, and I did not enforce the order. During our Parsi season, Snyder fell into the proud position of hero to some lady of his acquaintance, who thought so well of him that she persuaded him to leave the company, which he did without a moment's warning beyond saying with inflated pride that he was going to quit because he was independent of any D--d Wild West outfit. As usually happens the lady grew tired of the idol which was the poorest kind of mud in it! it's makeup, and he lost his jpb there, as who would think otherwise if they knew that it was his custom to dress himself for a ball, that is, in his spike tailed coat, cover his natural odor with patchouli, and then call upon his friends. Usually these excursions were made in the forenoon to show his contempt for convetionality. Finally he drifted back to America, where he staid until we returned home with the Show.

To my amazement he reported at headquarters one day, saying that the Colonel had told him he could go to work again. I was charitable though to suppose that Cody had not given the matter any serious thought and as I did not want to humiliate him before the rest of the employees I stood the needle, and put him to work in his old place. About this time he began to be closeted with Cody very often, and I felt that he was pursuing his true vocation of a tale bearer, and tale manufacturer, and that his principal labor was directed against Sheible, who had been his friend from the start. He managed to thoroughly poison Cody against Sheible, and from that time to the day of Seibles death Cody never lost an opportunity to humiliate, and abuse Sheible. I have always felt that his treatment had much to do with Sheibles final ill, ness from needless exposure to all the hard conditions of travel to keep Cody from jumping on him for fancied neglect of his duties. For mind you, this Hero of the Plains, abused every man in our employ who ever showed that he did not regard the Hero as the head and front of the Showmans Universe. As every man in the outfit knew just his position in that universe, about every man in the outfit came in for his share of abuse, except those that were "Cute" enough to flatter him by filling his mind with conviction that he was a little the biggest thing that ever left Nebraska. Ne other man in the outfit could hold a candle to the doughty Snyder at this game, and it was not long before he had so completely wormed himself into first place, that he was a nuisance at the front door. However at the close of the season, Cody took him out to the Big Horn Basin, where he could have him all to himself, and I was duly grateful for perhaps the first time for anything that Cody had ever done up to that time.

Mr W. O. Snyder got in his work in great shape out there, and knowing that he was out of my books forever, he concluded that he would serve his purposes better by staying where he could control a part of his patrons business. Working to this end, he finally was enabled to print his card bearing the legend" Personal representative of Col. W. F. Cody. In due time he got his Power of Attorney from Cody, and he got into the saddle of his high horse quickly. I was regaled from time to time by reports of what he was doing in the Colonel's name. These reports came through reliable sources, and I waited patiently for the explosion that I knew would follow when Cody dropped on the scoundrel.

Meantime Snyder had gotten a Ranche under his control, and all the tools to work it with live stock, wagons, etcetera. And he had them in his name. He finally did something that aroused Cody's ire, and the Explosion came, and at the time I am writing this Cody is sueing him to recover his property, and incidentally calling him all the names in the vocabulary. In the meantime I am wondering how Cody will ever get back a moiety of the money that Snyder has cost him in a thousand different ways that a clever rancalX can can invent. Imagine a man being put in charge of large business interests in a small community, who would go into a town like Red Lodge, and take a bath in a hotel in which he ordered several bottles of Champagne poured. This was a unique current story out there, and was given to me as a fact.

I am not writing this for publication, but I want to put on record the fact that all the brutal things that Cody is capable of are well known to me, and that he has never covered one of his tracks that I could not find if I took the trouble to do so. I want this record to stand, so that when he starts in to malign me as he will do, my friends will have my answer, if I am not here to give it to him personally.

The world may say, "Who did you continue your connection with a man whom you professed to despise." My Answer is simple. There were two of him to me. One the true Cody as he has always been from his birth, and the other was a commercial proposition that I discovered when I piquant invented the Wild West, and picked him out for the Figure Head.

Mind you, I am not trying to depreciate his physical courage at all. I have no doubt that he filled his position of Bull Whacker, and Express Rider, perfectly, and a man to do that must have physical hard-hood, and courage of a certain kind. But there are others. And there were others, and there will be others, and if any of the three classes had had the good fortune to be good looking, tall, dashing, and the subject of romantic tale telling for a decade, there would have been some other commercial propositions that could have been developed.

That there are others, let me Cite Pawnee Bill. Pawnee Bill was a dirty interpreter in the Wild West for the Pawness in the Wild West, but he got so lazy that we had to fire him. He conceived the idea that he was a Scout Guide, and Interpreter, and acting on that conviction he purt a small Wild West Show together, and tempted fortune, on the strenght of the success and reputation of the Buffalo Bill Show. To the discredit of American Manhood, he was able to find American printers who would back him by taking an interest in his show for the printing they would furnish, and he managed to crawl, along from year to year, until he has built up a very good business for himself, and is incidentally the man whom Cody hates most on earth if I except Doctor Carver, who at one time dare to dispute the palm for long hair with Cody. I don't know but I am next in his dislike, for I have never done anything that did not benefit him since I have been connected with him. I landed him at the foot of the English Throne. I invented every feature of the Wild West Show that has had any drawing power, I have stood the financial burden of the Show from the start. And in many other ways I have been his ONLY friend on earth, for his own relatives love him only to rob him.