COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYSTEM

THE COLUMBIA WORKSHOP

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 1938

7:30 - 8:00 P.M.

CUE:

(COLUMBIA BROADCASTING SYSTEM)

(30 SECONDS)

1. ANNC'R: The Columbia Workshop under the direction of William N. Robson.

2. ORGAN

3. ANNC'R: Tonight the Columbia Workshop is privileged to present a group of the best known English actors in America in a radio comedy adapted by an Englishman from a short story by an Englishman. The Workshop presents "Never Come Monday" with Sir Cedric Hardwicke playing the role of Capper Wambly, Lady Hardwicke as Mary Wambly, Whitford Kane as ______ and Wallace Ford as ______. "Never Come Monday" was adapted by Stephen Fox from the Esquire story of the same title by Eric Knight.

4. ORGAN UP

5. ANNC'R: The Columbia Workshop presents "Never Come Monday".

3

18: MARY: Ba gum, this is a champion do. It is and all.
No doubt something should be done about it.

19: CAPPER: Aye, but what? (PAUSE) Mary, Ah have it! Now
the thing to do to prove it is to decide what
is the difference between a Sunday morning and
a weekday morning.

20: MARY: Ah, well, that's easily done. On a weekday morning
tha takes thy knocker and goes about the village of
Allerby Brig and wakens folks up to go to work at
the mill, and on Sunday morning tha don't waken them
up.

21: CAPPER: Aye, aye, tha have it. And if Ah doan't waken the
village this morning, it is a Sunday morning!

22: MARY: Aye, nothing could be fairer than that.

23: CAPPER: That's it, all right. Because I'm not wakening
onybody up, it must be a Sunday morning. And because
it's Sunday morning Ah mustn't wake onybody up.
So no matter which way a lad looks at it, the answer
cooms out that it's Sunday.

24: MARY: Aye, but Capper, some of the people may wake up
of their own accord, and if they doan't know that
it's a second Sunday in a row, they may go walking
down to the mill.

-4-

25: CAPPER: Aye, there's reason in that, Mary.

26: MARY: Heaven knows they have to get up early enough and it'd be a tarrible shame not to let them have this extra piece of rest that's coom by a miracle like.

27: CAPPER: Aye, Mary, but what's to do?

28: MARY: Why doan't tha go and waken them up and then tell them it's still Sunday and they can go back to sleep again?

29: CAPPER: Aye, Mary, it's a grand thing for a man with an important job like mine to have a wife like you. I'll take my knocker and go at once and waken the village to tell them the good news. (FADE)

30: ORGAN: (FADE IN)

31: SOUND: Heavy hob-nailed shoes on cobblestone. Pause. Rat-a-tat-tat on the window pane.

32: CAPPER: John Willie Braithwaite, art tha up?

33: SOUND: WINDOW OPENS

34: J.W.B.: (SLEEPILY) Ah'm awakened. What time is't?

-5

35: CAPPER: Tha needn't fret thaselt' about time, John Willie.
Ah just wakened tha up to tell ye it's another
Sunday morning. So tha can go on back to bed and
sleep in peace. There's no need of you blowin'
the mill whistle this morning.

36: J.W.B.: (GRUNT) (SLAM OF WINDOW)

37: SOUND: (FOOTSTEPS FADE IN AND OUT ON CUE)

38: CAPPER: (MUTTERING) Ah, that was good. Ah didn't disturb
him at all. He wasn't more than half awake.

39: SOUND: RAT-tat-TAT

40: CAPPER: Tabby Welsh, Tabby Welsh, art tha up? Tabby Welsh,

41: BOUND: WINDOW

42: TABBY: Aye, Capper. Hold thy noise, ah'm up.

43: CAPPER: Well, tha needn't be. It's Sunday morning again.
Go back to thy rest.

44: TABBY: How do you mean it's Sunday again?

45: CAPPER: I have no time to talk. Ah must be on my rounds.

46: SOUND: FOOTSTEPS

47: TABBY: (FADING) Capper waits. Coom back 'ere. Capper's
Capper's

48: SOUND: STOP FOOTSTEPS ... RAT-TAT-TAT

6

49: CAPPER: Liz Barrett, Liz Barrett ...

50: SOUND: WINDOW

51: LIZ: Aye, Ah'm up, Capper. But seems like Ah just went to bed.

52: CAPPER: Aye, tha work too hard, lass. But today is Sunday again so tha can go back to thy bed and have an extra hour or two.

53: LIZ: Sunday again, But, Capper ...

54: CAPPER: Ah'm sorry, lass, but Ah've no time. Ah must keep on ...

55: SOUND: FOOTSTEPS FADE OUT

56: ORGAN:

57: SOUND: FADE IN CROWD

58: VOICE: Here he cooms now,

59: GOLLIKER: Coom'ere, Capper.

60: VOICE: Aye, coom 'ere, lad.

61: CAPPER: (FADING IN) What's all the fuss?

62: GOLL: Now, lad, what's the idea of telling us this is another Sunday?

63: VOICES: Aye, Aye, Capper.

64: CAPPER: Well, it 'tis.

65: GOLL: How does tha know it 'tis?

66: CAPPER: Ah can't explain it, but Ah'm full sure summat varry
wonderful has happened and it 'Tis Sunday.

67: GOLL: Now look here, Capper, Ah don't but admit that it
does seem Sundayish like, but how are we to be sure?

68: CAPPER: Well ... Well ... Ah, here's the way us can tell.
Now if this be a weekday, the mill whistle will blow
the quarter hour before working time.

69: VOICES: Aye ... Aye ... Aye ...

70: CAPPER: But if this be Sunday, like Ah say, the mill whistle
wont blow the quarter hour, will it?

71: GOLL: Well, it seems like tha be right.

72: 1ST VOICE: To be sure he's right.

73: 2ND VOICE: The mill whistle has never missed in twenty years
that I know on.

74: 3RD VOICE: Aye, Capper had a head on him.

75: CAPPER: Now, lock here. Tha knows my watch, doan't thee?

76: GOLL: Aye, and it's a good 'un too.

80

77: 1ST VOICE: The best in the whole village of Allerby Brig.

78: CAPPER: Well, gather ye round and look at it.

79: 1ST VOICE: 'ere, don't push now, let me see it.

80: 2ND VOICE: Who's pushing?

81: CAPPER: Hold now. That's enough. Ye can't all see it.
Tha see it, Golliker?

82: GOLL: Aye, Ah can, Capper?

83: CAPPER: Well, what does it say?

84: GOLL: It lacks twenty seconds to the quarter hour.

85: CAPPER: Now, Golliker, tha can call out the seconds, and
if the whistle doesn't blow, it must be Sunday.

86: VOICES: Aye ... Aye ...

87: GOLL: Hold your gaff. Eight seconds is gone ... ten ...
thirteen ... sixteen ... eighteen ... twenty ...
It's the quarter hour.

(SILENCE)

88: CAPPER: Did anybody hear the whistle?

89: EVERYBODY: No ... No ... No ...

90: CAPPER: Then it is Sunday!

91: GOLL: (HUSHED VOICE) Ba gum, that's right, Capper.

-9-

92: **VOICE:** Of course, he's right. Good old Capper!

93: **CAPPER:** Now ye can all away home and get another hours sleep.

94: **VOICES:** Hurray for Capper!

95: **CAPPER:** I must be on ma way.

96: **VOICES:** Hurrah for Capper etc.

97: **SOUND:** FADE OUT CROWD ... FADE IN FOOTSTEPS

93: **ROWLIE:** (OFF MIKE) Hey, Capper ...

99: **CAPPER:** Is that the, Rowlie?

100: **ROWLIE:** (FADING IN) Aye, it is, Capper. Ah hear that tha discovered this is another Sunday.

101: **CAPPER:** Aye, that's so.

102: **ROWLIE:** Well, isn't having two Sundays in a row just a vary little bit irregular, as tha might say?

103: **CAPPER:** It 'tis that, lad. But tha must remember us is living in vary unusual times.

104: **ROWLIE:** We are that. And Ah'm glad tha discovered it in time, for if tha hadn't, ah would have gone and rung the school bell like a great lummox thinking it were Monday. But now I know it's Sunday, Ah must go and ring the church bell.

-10-

105: CAPPER: Ah should say that all sounds right and proper to me.

106: ROWLIE: Me too. And Ah thank thee for saving me from a great mistake.

107: CAPPER: Eh, it's nothing, lad.

108: ROWLIE: But, Capper, dost tha think that the millworkers who live outside Allerby Brig know it's Sunday? They may be at the mill gates waiting to go to work, thinking it's Monday.

109: CAPPER: Aye, tha art right, lad. Ah'll go on to the mill and tell them.

110: ROWLIE: And Ah'll go ring the church bell. Thank 'e again, Capper.

111: CAPPER: That's alright, Lad.

112: SOUND: START FOOTSTEPS

113: ORGAN:

114: SOUND: FADE IN LOW CROWD AD LIB

115: CAPPER: (SHOUTING) What are ye doing of there? Why aren't ye home in your beds?

116: MOTHERSOLE: (FADING IN) In our beds? We've come to work.

117: VOICES: Aye ... Aye ...

11

118: CAPPER: But there's no work today.

119: VOICE: Has the mill closed up?

120: CAPPER: No, today is Sunday.

121: MOTHERSOLE: Sunday? Well, if it's Sunday in Allerby Brig, what day is it in Wuxeley Green, where I coom from?

122: 1ST VOICE: Aye, and in Rombeck, my place?

123: 2ND VOICE: And in Tannerly?

124: CAPPER: Well, happen it's Sunday there too. Only you didn't notice it. When two Sundays coom in a row ye could hardly blame a chap for mistaking the second one for Monday. So Ah advise ye to go back home and enjoy Sunday.

125: MOTHERSOLE: Well, Ah'm right glad to have another day of rest, but Ah wish Ah'd known it afore Ah started, because my Mary Alice allus brings me my breakfast to bed o' Sunday mornings.

126: CAPPER: Nay, if tha hurries there's still time enough to go home and pop back into bed. Then the minute thy wife sees thee there she'll know it's Sunday, and she'll up and have a bit of bacon to the fire in no time.

12

127: MOTH: Aye, tha art right, Capper. Coom, lads, let's go home.

128: VOICES: Aye ... Aye ... thank ye, Capper, etc.

129: BLOGGS: (FADING IN) 'ere, 'ere, my good men, what's a goin' on? What's the idea you aren't all in the mill?

130: MOTH: Because a second Sunday has arrived, Mr. Bloggs.

131: BLOGGS: Why, what nonsense! When I left 'ome it was a Monday. 'Ow can it be Sunday 'ere when it was Monday at my 'ome in Puttersleigh?

132: CAPPER: Ah doan't right know, Mr. Bloggs, unless it happens to be Sunday in Puttersleigh, too, and tha didn't notice it.

133: BLOGGS: It's Monday I tell you! Come on in to work. How can it be two Sundays in a row?

134: CAPPER: But it 'tis Sunday.

135: BLOGGS: It's not! It's Monday. And any man who isn't in the mill in five minutes is discharged.

136: MOTH: But, Mr. Bloggs, it's Sunday.

137: BLOGGS: How can it be Sunday.

138: SOUND: (CHURCH BELLS)

139: CAPPER: Listen, there go the church bells.

13

140: MOTH: That proves it's Sunday.

141: 1ST VOICE: And it'd be a sin to work on Sunday.

142: 2ND VOICE: Aye, and Ah'm a goin' home to dress for church.

143: VOICES: And It, And It.

144: BLOGGS: (SHOUTING) But it's impossible! It's Monday! Come into the mill. Go to work. (FADE OUT)

145: ORGAN BRIDGE

146: FADE IN CHURCH BELLS.

147: ORGAN PLAYING, WHEESY

148: MR. STONINGHORN: Pst! Pst! Pst! Mr. Sims ... Mr. Sims. (ORGAN STOPS)

149: SIMS: Yes, Mr. Stoninghorn?

150: STONE: Why are you playing the organ?

151: SIMS: Because it's Sunday.

152: STONE: Sunday? But yesterday was Sunday.

153: SIMS: I know, Mr. Stoninghorn. But I was on my way to the schoolhouse when I heard the church bell. When I got here, all the people were in the church, so it must be Sunday.

154: STONE: That's right. It must be.

155: SIMS: The people are waiting for you to preach the sermon.

156: STONE: But wait a minute, Mr. Sims. If this is Sunday, is it the fourth or the fifth Sunday before Epiphany?

157: SIMS: I couldn't tell you that, Mr. Stoninghorn.

158: STONE: Well, well, Mr. Sims, there's only one thing to do. I'll give the same service and preach the same sermon as I did yesterday.

159: SIMS: (FADING) I should think that would be right and proper, Mr. Stoninghorn.

160: ORGAN UP INTO RECESSional
(FADE OUT)

161: SOUND: (FADE IN BUZZ OF CONVERSATION)

162: WOMAN: Eh, that 'twas a grand sermon, Mr. Stoninghorn preached.

163: 1ST MAN: Aye, Ah liked it a right lot nicer hearing it for the second time.

164: 2ND MAN: So did I. Today ye could see just where it 'twas goin' in a manner of speaking.

165: 1ST MAN: Oh, look here, lad, here comes Mr. Bloggs.

166: BLOGGS: See here now. It's no use pretending any longer. Today is Monday.

-15-

167: ROWLIE: But, Mr. Bloggs, how can it be Monday? We're just cooming out of church.

168: BLOGGS: But I have proof. I telephoned the Greenwich Observatory, and they told me that today is Monday.

169: GOLL: It may well be Monday in Greenwich, but we know that it's Sunday here in Allerby Brig.

170: BLOGGS: (SPLUTTERING) Well of all the stupi¢, blundering, idiotic ...

171: STONE: Here, here, what's this? Mr. Bloggs, the Sabbath cannot be profaned with quarreling.

172: BLOGGS: I'm sorry, Mr. Stoninghorn. Now hear me, sir. Today may be Sunday, but you have to admit that it's a bit unusual to have two Sundays in a row.

173: STONE: Yes, there is something in what you say, Mr. Bloggs. But why can't you hold a peaceful meeting so that everyone may state his views on whether it is or isn't Sunday.

174: VOICES: Aye, fair enough. That's the stuff.

175: BLOGGS: I agree.

176: GOLL: Ah say, Mr. Stoninghorn, will tha take charge of the meeting?

-16-

177: STONE: Well, being a man of the cloth, I can't do that because I'm not sure whether or not it is the Sabbath.

178: ROWLIE: How about Mr. Sims, the schoolmaster?

179: VOICES: Aye ... Aye ...

180: SIMS: Very well, Gentlemen, I shall be glad to take charge. Shall we say at four o'clock at the Schoolhouse?

181: VOICE: Aye, Aye, that's right. We'll be there. (FADE OUT)

182: ORGAN

183: SOUND: FADE IN ... BUZZ, CONVERSATION

184: SOUND: RAPPING WITH GAVEL

185: SIMS: The meeting will come to order please. (BUZZ DOWN)
Yes Mr. Bloggs.

186: BLOGGS: Mr. Chairman, I know that today is Monday. Because When I left my home in Puttersleigh this morning it was Monday. But to make sure I telephoned to the Greenwich Observatory, and they confirmed the outstanding fact that today is Monday.

187: VOICES: But it isn't. It's Sunday. We know it's Sunday.

188: SIMS: (GAVEL) Order! Order! (CROWD OUT) Mr. Taylor Huckle.

17

189: HUCKLE: (WHEEZY) Ah agrees with Mr. Bloggs. Ah knows it's Monday. Because I runs a Public House, and Ah had to close up early yesterday because it 'twas Sunday. And the day after Sunday is always Monday, for years and years, man and boy, as far back as Ah can remember.

190: GOLL: He wants it to be Monday so as he won't have to shut up his Public House early tonight.

191: VOICES: Aye, Aye! It's Sunday! It's Sunday! It's Sunday!

192: SIMS: (GAVEL) Order! Order! Order! Mr. Rowlie Helliker.

193: ROWLIE: There's a man here whose opinion we all set great store by. He has a brain, he has. He invented something and made a lot of money out of it. He's a great traveler. Not only has he been to Lunnon, but to foreign lands as well as on a cruise. If there's any man who knows what day it 'tis, it's Sam Small.

194: VOICES: Aye, Aye! Sam Small! Let's hear Sam Small!

195: SAM: (OFF MIKE) Here Ah am lads.

196: VOICE: Coom on Sam let's hear thy opinion.

197: SIMS: Won't you come up here, Mr. Small?

198: VOICE: Aye, do Sam, lad!

-18-

199: VOICES: Good old Sam, Now we'll get somewhere.

200: SAM: Well, lads, it's this way. A day's a day, but then again, it ain't, in a manner of speaking. The time Ah went round t'world, one day it were Tuesday, and the next morning the captain said it were Thursday ... and so it were, because Ah've nivver yet found that lost day. And on tother hand, a lad on the ship told me if we'd gone round the world t'other way, we should of had two Tuesdays. Now if we can have two Tuesdays when we're going around the world, Ah maintain we, maught just as easy hev two Sundays when the world is going round us, which ivvery scientist knaws it isdoing.

202: BLOGGS: Piffle!

203: SAM: Oh, Aye? Can tha tell me what day it is now in Japan?

204: BLOGGS: It's Monday.

205: SIMS: Oh, pardon me, Mr. Bloggs. Just as a matter of academic accuracy ... but in Japan now it is Tuesday.

206: BLOGGS: (SHOUTING) Tuesday?

-19-

207: SAM: There tha sees. There don't seem to me no
sense to this day stuff. If it's Monday, as tha
says, down in Greenwich, and if it's Tuesday, as
the schoolmaster says, In Japan, then Ah says
it's just as liable to be Sunday up here.

208: BLOGGS: Nonsense! I know what the matter is. You're
all lazy and you want another day off. So you
call it Sunday.

209: SAM: Nay lad, There's six weekdays to one Sunday so
it seems to me like it were six to one in favor
that we'd have an extra workday instead of an extra
rest day. Simply because tha lost, tha mustn't
be a bad sport about it.

210: VOICES: Aye! Aye! Good old Sam.

211: APPLAUSE

212: BLOGGS: Fiddlesticks! If this is Sunday, then what is
tomorrow? Is Monday or Tuesday? Or do we lose a
day?

213: CAPPER: Happen Ah'm the man to clear that up. Us doesn't
skip noa day at all. The thing is that the days
'0 the week have got tired of turning, soa now they've
stood still, and won't goa no further, they won't.

-20-

214: BLOGGS: How ridiculous! If that were so we'd get no further
and tomorrow would be Sunday, too, wouldn't it?

215: CAPPER: Ba gum, lad, that's hit the nail on the head.
Tomorrow is off to be Sunday.

216: VOICES: Good for you, Capper.
God Bless Sunday. Never come Monday.

217: BLOGGS: (APOPLECTIC) Oh, what's the use? Once you
stubborn Yorkshire men get a thing into your
heads there's no getting it out.

218: CAPPER: Aye, when us Yorkshiremen knows we're right us
sticks to it.

219: BLOGGS: (FADING) I'll take no more from you. I'll go to
the law about it.

220: CAPPER: Let him go where he likes. Ah'm right certain
tomorrow will be Sunday again.

221: BRAITHWAITE: But Capper, how are we to be sure?

222: CAPPER: Well, when Ah coom around to wake ye up, ah'll tell
ye.

223: BRAITH: Nay, Ah have a better idea, if it's Sunday, it'd
be a fair shame to disturb a little bit of extra
sleep. That'd make it as bad as a weekday most.

(MORE)

21

223: BRAITH:
(CONT'D)
So supposing if it's another Sunday just thee
don't bother to coom round, and when tha doesn't
coom we'll know for sure that way it's Sunday.

224: CAPPER:
Aye, John Willie, that's fine. But if Ah don't
make my rounds ye won't pay me.

225: ROWLIE:
Don't tha fret thyself about that, Capper. If
it keeps on being Sunday, we'll pay thee anyhow.

226: CAPPER:
Nay, Rowlie. Ah couldn't take it.

227: BRAITH:
But we'd like thee to, Capper.

228: CAPPER:
Well, if ye say. But how about the lads in the
other villages? It's hard on them, thinking its
a weekday and walking all the way here to find
it's Sunday.

229: BRAITH:
Well, we'll form a committee, like, right now,
and the members will each take a village and go
right over there and tell everyone that it's
staying Sunday these days ... that the days of the
week is stuck like.

230: VOICES:
Aye! Aye! That's a champion idea. That's good that
is. (FADE OUT)

231: ORGAN:
SCOTCH TUNE FADE IN

-22.

232: JAMIE: (SCOTCH) Good-day to you, Andrew.

233: ANDREW: Good day to you, Jamie.

234: JAMIE: Out for a stroll?

235: AND: Aye, I like to walk down to the shipyards of a Sunday afternoon. It's a fine feeling to stand and look at them and think that I don't have to be in there working.

236: JAMIE: Aye, it's grand this being Sunday everyday. Do you know who discovered that the days were stuck?

237: ANDREW: Aye, I do. It was a Yorkshireman named Capper Wambly.

238: JAMIE: Aye. But isn't it a pity it couldn't have been discovered by a Scotsman instead of a Yorkshireman?

239: ANDREW: Well, Yorkshireman or no Yorkshireman, he'll go down in history. (FADE OUT)

240: ORGAN: LANE TUNE (FADE IN)

241: CHILD: (LANCASTERSHIRE) Mother ... Mother ...

242: MOTHER: Yes, Lassie?

243: CHILD: Isn't it time to get up?

23

244: MOTHER: No, lass, you don't have to get up early this morning. Go back to sleep and when I have breakfast ready I'll call you. Then you can go out and play in the air all day.

245: CHILD: You mean I don't have to go to the mill and work at the loom?

246: MOTHER: No, lass, you can rest all you like and get strong and healthy.

247: CHILD: But why, Mother?

248: MOTHER: Because a man in Yorkshire discovered that the days have stuck and everyday is Sunday.

249: CHILD: You mean it will be Sunday here in Lancashire, too?

250: MOTHER: Aye, lass. And when you go to bed tonight, say a prayer for Capper Wambly. (FADE)

251: ORGAN: OLD KENT ROAD (FADE IN)

252: HARRY: (COCKNEY) Come on, Lize. Whatcha doin' of? Stop putterin' about, we'll miss the train to Brighton.

253: LIZE: Stop fussin', "Arry. I've got to sew a button on me coat.

24

254: HARRY: Why couldn't you have done that yesterday?

255: LIZE: Because yesterday was Sunday.

256: HARRY: Well Blime, ain't today Sunday too?

257: LIZE: Cool, I never thought of that. What am I going to do?

258: HARRY: Do? Go without the bloomin' button. Come on, hurry up, can't you?

259: ORGAN: (FADE OUT)

260: (FADE IN) (DOOR OPENS)

261: GIRL: (OFF MIKE) Mr. Jenkins is here, sir.

262: EDITOR: Yes ... yes ... tell him to come in.

263: GIRL: Mr. Cartwright will see you, Mr. Jenkins.

264: JENKINS: (FADING IN) You sent for me, sir.

265: EDITOR: Yes ... yes ... Sit down ... sit down.

266: JENKINS: Thank you, sir.

267: EDITOR: Jenkins, this paper has never broken faith with it's readers.

268: JENKINS: No sir.

-25-

269: EDITOR: (TESTILY) Don't interrupt! I sent for you because, for a reporter, you seem to have some intelligence. Now about this day business. We must find out what has happened to these lost weekdays. It seems that the whole thing began in Yorkshire. I want you to go there and sift this thing out. You are to leave immediately and .... (FADE)

270: ORGAN: (FADE IN)

271: SOUND: DOOR OPENS

272: CAPPER: Coom in, lads, coom in.

273: CAWPER: (POWERFUL VOICE, SLOW SPEECH) Aye, Capper.

274: ROWLIE: How art tha, Capper?

275: CAPPER: Mary, Mary, put the kettle on for tea. Ian Cawper and Rowlie Helliker coom to see us....

276: MARY: (FADING IN) Eh, Ah'm right glad to see thee, lads.

277: ROWLIE: How art tha, Mary?

278: MARY: Fine, Rowlie, thank ye. I'm feeling right good.

279: CAWPER: Aye, tha hast the rose to thy cheeks, Mary.

26

280: MARY: And why wouldn't Ah? Ah can lie abed late mornings now, and Ah have time to sit in the garden and get the sunshine.

281: CAPPER: Mary, get some tea and a bite for the lads.

282: MARY: (FADING) Aye, and as luck would have it, Ah baked some scones this morning.

283: ROWLIE: (CALLING AFTER HER) And that'll have to bake tomorrow morning too. Ian Cawper here can eat scones by the dozen.

284: CAPPER: And why wouldn't he. Isn't he the strongest man in all Yorkshire?

285: CAWPER: And with the rest Ah'm having, Ah'm getting stronger than ever.

286: ROWLIE: Aye, why only today, over at Wuxley Green, he took a two inch iron bar and bent it with his bare hands. Tha should have seen the Wuxley men gawk.

287: CAPPER: (LAUGHING) Aye, aye, that's champion. But what were you doing in Wuxley Green?

288: ROWLIE: Ian and me walked over to have a pint of ale at the Pub.

289: CAPPER: Eh, that's the only trouble about everyday being Sunday. (MORE)

27

289: CAPPER:
(CONTD)

Tha can't get a drink in thy own village. The law
says tha must be a traveler to get a drink off a
Sunday.

290: IAN:

But that's no trouble. The three mile walk does
a man good. And then there's the drink at the
end of it.

291: ROWLIE:

Aye, Capper, tha should see the people on the roads.
Men and women and children cooming from Wuxley Green
to Allerby Brig and going from Allerby Brig to
Wuxley Green.

292: IAN:

Aye, the people in all the villages for miles around
are getting to know one another.

293: ROWLIE:

And all the folk talking and laughing and enjoying
themselves. It do ye good to look at them.

294: CAPPER:

Aye, Ah Know. Ah strolled to the village maself.
And it gave me a right warm feeling to see the women
sitting in the sun and the men fixing their gardens
and the children romping and playing.

295: IAN:

Aye, there ain't a sick body in the village.

296: ROWLIE:

May, because the folk are out in the fresh air.
They ain't cooped up in the mills.

297: IAN:

Aye, and it's all due to you, Capper.

28

298: ROWLIE: Why lad, Allerby Brig and all Yorkshire is proud
of you.

299: CAPPER: Aye, it's nothing, lads.

300: ROWLIE: Well, weren't tha the first man in the land to
notice that the days of the week were stuck and
every day was turning up Sunday?

301: CAPPER: Well, all Ah can say is Ah'm right glad it's so.

302: SOUND: KNOCK ON DOOR

303: ROWLIE: Someone's at the door, Capper.

304: CAPPER: Coom in.

305: SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

306: JENKINS: Does Mr. Capper Wambly live here?

307: CAPPER: Aye, he do.

308: JENK: Which of you gentlemen is Mr. Wambly?

309: CAPPER: Ah am.

310: JENK: Well, my name is Jenkins, I represent the London
newspaper, the Daily Clarion.

311: CAPPER: Oh, Aye ... sit down, sir. This is Rowlie Helliker
and this is Ian Cawper, the strongest man in
Yorkshire.

-29-

312: JENK: How do you do, Gentlemen.

313: CAPPER: What can Ah do for you, sir?

314: JENK: Well, I understand that you are the man who discovered that the days had stopped turning.

315: CAPPER: That's right.

316: IAN: Aye.

317: ROWLIE: He did.

318: JENK: Well, Mr. Wambly, how did you find this out?

319: CAPPER: Ah don't know. But I know everyday is Sunday.

320: ROWLIE: That's right.

321: IAN: Aye.

322: JENK: Well, how did you arrive at this conclusion?

323: CAPPER: Ah don't rightly know, but it is.

(MORE)

-30-

324 JENK: Well, haven't you some explanation?

325 CAPPER: No, Ah haven't, but Ah knows the days are stuck.

326 JENK: But surely... Why this is ridiculous. (STARTS LAUGHING) I've never heard of such a thing. (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

327 IAN: Stop. (LAUGH STOPS SUDDENLY) Have you a penny, Mr. Newspaperman?

328 JENK: Why yes, but what do you want with a penny?

329 IAN: Give it to me.

330 JENK: Why of course, here you are.

331 IAN: NOW.

332 JENK: (PAUSE) Why that's wonderful. You bent that penny with the fingers of one hand.

333 IAN: Aye, Ah did. (OMINOUSLY) Nah, lad, happen that better tellyphone thy paper and tell them that this is Sunday?

334 JENK: (EMPHATICALLY) Why-er-er yes - of course. Indeed I will. (FADING) Well, good day, Gentlemen. Sorry to have troubled you. Good day. Good day.

335 SOUND: DOOR CLOSING.

336 LAUGHTER

31

337 ROWLIE: You fixed him champion Ian

338 IAN: As if we don't know its Sunday.

339 ORGAN - BRITISH GRENADIERS

340 FADE IN, BUZZ OF CONVERSATION.

341 1st MAN: The Prime Minister must do something about this. This situation is unbearable. I've talked to my employees until I'm blue in the face, but they simply will not go back to work. They keep insisting that every day is Sunday.

342 2ND MAN: My men are the same. My firm has a rush order for munitions and gasbombs, but we can't do a thing. We're at a standstill. The men won't come near the factory. The Government must act.

343 3RD MAN: I'm afraid we've lost all our contracts for airplanes.

344 4TH MAN: (DOLEFULLY) Well, I'm a manufacturer of Badminton rackets. I don't know how I shall ever make my summer deliveries.

345 SOUND: DOOR OPENS.

346 CARRINTON-SMAITHE: Gentlemen, the Prime Minister is thoroughly acquainted with the situation. He will see you now. Please step this way.

32

348 OMNES: Thank you. Thank you.

349 PRIME MIN: Good morning, Gentlemen.

350 ALL: Good morning, sir.

351 P.M.: Well, Gentlemen?

352 1st MAN: Sir, this is quite an abhorrent state of affairs.

353 P.M.: Quite, Quite.

354 2ND MAN: Sir, I yield my reverence for religion to no man; especially the Church of England, to no one, sir. In fact, I am thoroughly in accord with religion... one day a week.

355 ALL: Hear ... Hear...

356 2ND MAN: But, Mr. Prime Minister, think of our stockholders. Many are orphans ... many are widows. If our factories don't make money, these poor people will be destitute ... because always having drawn dividends, they've never had to learn how to work. We can not let them suffer.

33-

357 P.M.: Gentlemen, you may rest assured that His Majesty's Government will do all within it's power to safeguard that industry and commerce that is the backbone of our nation... Indeed, of our Empire. Good day, Gentlemen.

358 ALL: Good day, sir. Thank you, sir, ect.

359 C.-S.: This way Gentlemen. Good day Gentlemen.

360 (DOOR CLOSES)

361 P.M.: Carrington-Smaith...

362 C.-S.: Yes sir?

363 P.M.: It's a Sunday today, and it will be a Sunday tomorrow. Pack my things, we are going away for the weekend.

364 C.-S.: But sir, what about the International crisis? We have two ultimatums which must be answered immediately.

365 P.M.: Dear me, that is a nuisance. But all the world knows you can't disturb an Englishman on the weekend. And if this is Sunday as it seems to me it must be, then I won't be able to answer until the weekend is over.

34

366 C.S.: But when will it stop being Sunday, sir?

367 P.M.: Well, Carrington-Smaith, how long will it take our fastest cruiser squadron to get round to that troublesome part of the world?

368 C.S.: On, about thirty-six more hours, sir.

369 P.M.: Humph. Then I think it will stop being Sunday in about thirty-six more hours. (FADE) Yes, yes, thirty-six more hours.

(OUT)

370 ORGAN: BRITAIN RULES THE WAVES

371 SOUND: FADE IN CHIRPING BIRDS, BABELING BROOK, BARKING DOG.

372 P.M.: Come now, Topper. There's a good dog. Catch the ball. (BARK FADE OUT AND IN) Capital, old lady, capital.

373 C.S.: Beautiful day, isn't it, sir?

374 P.M.: Yes, Carrington-Smaith. Nothing like a day in the country to set one up.

375 C.S.: Yes, sir, it's such a relief after London.

35

376 VOICE: (FADING IN) Mr. Prime Minister.

377 P.M.: Yes, Carter?

378 VOICE: A wireless message, sir.

379 P.M.: Give it to Mr. Carrington-Smaith.

380 VOICE: Yes, sir, thank you, sir.
(RUSTLE OF OPENING TELEGRAM)

381 C.S.: (PAUSE) It's what you expected, sir.

382 P.M.: Let me see it.... Humm.... Carrington-Smaith, what day is it?

383 C.S.: Sunday, sir.

384 P.M.: Nonsense. I am tired of this blundering-through policy with its shilly-shallying. If this goes on, we shall have a Constitution Crisis.

385 C.S.: A Constitutional Crisis, sir?

386 P.M.: Yes, Carrington-Smaith. So you'd better pack and we'll get back to the city. We must act immediately. I shall issue a statement that His Majesty's Government hereby officially that today is Friday, and tomorrow shall be officially Saturday, and the days of the weeks must go on officially in their regular and accustomed order.

-36-

387 C.S.: But isn't this really Sunday, sir? Hasn't a
miraculous thing happened that has stopped the
days of the week from arriving?

388 P.M.: I don't know, my boy. But I do know this. Even
if it is Sunday, and we all, everywhere, decide
to call it Monday or Tuesday, then it becomes
Monday or Tuesday because we all believe it is
Monday or Tuesday.

389 C.S.: Yes, I see, sir. Very good, sir.

390 ORGAN: OH HE IS AN ENGLISHMAN.

(FADE)

391 SOUND: FADE IN FACTORY WHISTLE. TRAMPING OF FEET. BUZZ
OF VOICES.

392 CAPPER: (FADING IN) Ey. Ey. Hold on a minute.

393 SOUND: STOP TRAMP.

394 CAPPER: Just what day is it?

395 BLOGGS: Now come in to work, men. It's Saturday.

396 CAPPER: Nay, yesterday was Sunday, so today must be
Monday unless us has started slipping and now we're
off to have the days backwards.

-37-

397 GOLL: Aye, Ah think that's right, Capper.

398 ROWLIE: Nay, Ah think it's still Sunday.

399 BLOGGS: I've had enough of this. Stop and come to work.
The Prime Minister issued a proclamation that today
is officially Saturday.

400 VOICE: Here come Sam Small. Let's hear what he has to
say about it. Hey, Sam.

401 SAM: (FADING IN) Ey, lads. What's up?

402 GOLL: Well, Sam, we don't know whether to go to work
or not. Some say it's Saturday and some say it's
Monday and then again some say it's still Sunday.
What hast tha to say?

403 SAM: There's no but one thing to do, lads, and Ah'm the
chap to do it. Mr. Bloggs, can Ah use thy tellyphone?

404 BLOGGS: Anything if you can settle this thing once and for
all.

405 SAM: Ah'll soon settle it. (OLD FASHIONED TELEPHONE BELL)
Connect me with His Majesty the King. (PAUSE) Is
this His Majesty the King?