UPS AND DOWNS OF LIFE; OR, VICISSITUDES OF A SWELL.

THE FAREWELL SPREAD.

Thrice happy is the high-bred Swell,
In whose young boom through blood is spilt;
Who bids to College his fair swell,
To Latin, Greek, and all dry studies.

Far sweeter is the eeling horn,
Sounding at break of day tenly,
Than; with a morn so fair to see,
O' Home, Herceo, Ovid, Livy.

"My lafs, a tost I'll now propose—
If you don't, I won't exouse ye;
Here's my career, I'll be at ease,
And you want drink it though you're booy.

"All present will admit, I'm sure,
That in my studies I've been zealous;
And you my soul, I can't endure
To be from prime spicy fellows.

"Since I have worn Collingown,
I've always spent my money freely;
And, when you visit us in town,
I mean to do the thing gently.

"Now for the toast—don't make a note—
I'm sure to please can be greater
Than drinking our Young Queen, my boys,
And jolly Oxford! Alain Meter!

THE WRIT OF CA. SA.

"My sarvis, sir; your time I've hit;
It runs this morning like a torrent;
And you, sir, I've got a will
Of execution—here's the warrant."

"Werry annoying, sir, no doubt,
But to extr emities, sir, you've drove it,
And to the end should think that they're about
Ven they are shining a cognac."

CONTEST OF COURT;

OR, LITTLE SUGAR, DOING THE AMABLE.

"It is a degree to the laws of England, that men should thus be permitted to live within the walls of a city, a suppos'd confinement of rules of which they are ignorant, and upon which even we lawyers differ in opinion."

"Hello! what's that little person doing in my preserve! Rob the Lord Chanceller of being judge, jury, and executioner! This must not be, the king may have his perogitive, and save a thief at the gallows; but I will show that my power is greater even than that of the king himself—once embroiled on our fleet, I will suffer no man to interfere with my authority."

FAIRLY LAUNCHED.

Oh! is it not glorious when "Brassnose" quiting,
To bid food farewell to the classical gurn,
And the old many rules of the College forgetting,
To launch in season a regular Swell on the town?

"Ab, Oxford! in the weary hours I have counted,
And might after night I have sat in the desump;
But now on a four-hand drag I am mounded,
Surrounded by east-and-west genuine trumps.

"As Jarrow, I'm all wife awake to my battle,
And handle the ribbons in style, by the pro-vea;
"I'choring to see up the road how they rattle—
Why, the pace of the railroad is nothing to cur.

"What, Sambo, my tulip, my lily white alder;
When next in the ring do you purpose to show?
Or perhaps, as you shine as a capital jagger,

"Your capers you purpose to do as you sow! I'll mention the flinnes, I'll make it all right.

"If (Lans or Tam Parker) think fit to attack you,
We'll give you a chance if you're willing to fight,
And for a cool hundred I'll cheerfully you know;
Don't mention the flinnes, I'll make it all right.

"Methodist claps may proceed there's much harm in,
And sanctified Hock kill in angle their row;
But I mean to come out as a regular varmin-
As spicy a lad as 'or kid'd up a row."

WAKENING TO UNPLEASANT RECOLLECTIONS.

Suddenly roused from a sound snoose, after a might's de-
anch, to which the throbbing of your temples brought painful
testimony, and discovering a friend at your bedside, prepared
with a case of duelling—units to accompany you to the field
“to give” satisfaction to some fire-eating major, who, in your
cups, you had insulted, and valiantly put at defiance. The
deviation of your hair evinces anything tending on the truth
of the maxim. “Discretion is the better part of valour.”
Mightily inclined not to get out of bed, but to “get out
the scope as any sunsillc, however opposed to the foe

the

of

"I say, my young fellow, start out of your nest,
You're forgot last night's doing, I'll venture a wager—
I'm just five o'clock, and high time you were;
By the powers, in what style you insulted the major!

"Why not keep a civiller tongue in your head!
But nothing, I'm certain, was able to stop you;
Come, do not lose time, but jump out of your bed,
And, by Heaven, 'tis most likely the major will drop you

"I've brought my hair trigger— a capital pair—
Though on you as a shot I can place no dependence;
All that's proper and right we're contrived to prepare,
And a surgeon is ordered to be in attendance.

"Let's be off to Chalk Farm, for 'tis useless to talk,
And do not sit there making indolent faces;
That major, by Jove, has the eye of a huck,
And the edge of a razor can hit at twelve paces."

"Tis not, I assure you, that I am afraid,
But I hate the idea of bloodshed and slaughter;
Do express my regret for each word that I said—
Oh! I plague on that sc and the brandy and water"

CUTTING A SPLASH—AFTER THE PLAY.

"My dear Lelitie, whether art thou going? Do let us do a Survey, It's impossible to ensure such a chain of disseters! We must 'cut' the lock, and separate for the night."

AN EXPENSIVE TIE.

O man! the fair sex was created to please you,
And still you must prize them for better for worse;
Though many dear creatures know well how to ease you
Of all the loose cash that you have in your purse.

While the needful holds out, the kind souls will cares you,
And be gentle and bland as the breaths of spring;
But, if your finances get taut, Lord bless you!
The warmth of affection at once will take wing.

Than the smiles of a mistress what charm can be greater,
To gild the dahl hours, and the spirit to cheer
But you'll make this discovery sooner or later,
The time, though delightful, is terribly dear.

"Dear Frederick, you know of your money I'm thrifty,
My expences of late have been nothing at all;
But, really, you must let me have fifty,
To buy a few trimkets and pay for my shawl.

"Come, pray don't be backward to fork out the ready,
You know all my wants you are bound to supply;
And when the Spring Fashions come out, my own Freddy,
A few fancy dresses of course I must buy.

"Pretty talking, my beauty, you'd do the trick neatly,
And at all times are ready the flinnes to grab;
But last night at Hell I was clean out completely,
And had not sufficient to pay for a cat.

"To be minus of coin isn't very diverting,
And none of my pals have a furthering to lend;
But for thirty per cent, my old Schneider, I'm certain,
A good bit of sigl will discount for a friend.

"Brush the mud from my trousers, young tiger, instanter,
And see in what style you can polish my boot;
Then off to the clothier I'ent in a canter.

And try my escheque once more to recruit."

GIN OBLIVION; OR, THE EBB OF THE
SWELL.

Discrezce to the wretches, dubd' warm-hearted followers,
First flowers of the fashion, and spirits of sound,
Who, by way of a splice, or a lark, as they tell us,
Would drench a poor creature with gin till he's drunk.

Such would treat him with liqueur to stupor or madness,
And pay for the poison he swallows with zeal;
But, if pining with hunger, in sorrow and adDes,
Wouldn't furnish one sixpence to purchase a meal.

HUMAN MISERIES.

WASHINGTON DAY; OR, A WATER FROlic.

Come home on a washing-day, find the kitchen all slop and
soap sud; a cold shoulder of mutton, and still colder pota-
toes, for your dinner; and your wife as sour as sorrel.

OUT OF QUOD AND NOT IN CREDIT.

"Tis hard, when fortune proves a foe,
When friends are few and funds are low,
Impending troubles to avoid,
And make a shift without a shor.

The sweets of life all chang'd to soars,
No pal to cheer our strained hours;
Fortune'd to madrone by the splend,
At thinking what sad foles we've been.

A VISIT TO MINE UNCLE.

All smiles to my mature, in principal stability;
To reveal a friend when forlorn in their fate;
And forward at all times to fork out the ready,
On wearing apparel, on watches and palle.

"Good hosts, I allow, but they're soon strong weather,
Though doubtless at first unmanufactured for dress;
Well, what do you want on the two sides of leather?"
"Tom bob, my old chaps, and I can't do with less."

"Take them off, if you choose, for you see I am busy,
For a crowd of men you come down of such;
I'll lead, and I won't be beyond it one tiny,
A couple of bob, and that's vastly too much."

AT ANCHOR IN THE FLEET

"All in the Fleet the wodd was moor'd."

How convenient are friends when we're able to bleed 'em,
When suffering the surroys of "pockets to let!"
But what can be worse to a lover of freedom?

"Then above into quod, on supposition of debt!"

And yet in the Fleet anxious thoughts we may bury
With spirit all joys and free as the air;
And in visiting shops may contrive to be merry,

"Twist the heights of Mount Scoundrel and depths of the fair,

["## [ROULETTE.]", "## MORALS IN [DANGER; on MILLINERS CORRECTED.]", "\"now pleasure is, it is,\" when \"the needful\" is warning—\nHow heering the hope to the soul of a swell—\nThat exhausted finance there's chance of regaining\nBy a run of good weather—The English-stadt—\n\"Tis a tree, we may mourn of our pockets' clearance,\nAnd let it not be so within:\"\nBut still, stick it, next to 'the clearance—'\nWe can't always less, but at times we must win.", "Then, courage, let us keep alive while we're able,\nNoble rive when the purse grows consumptive and laik;\nIn one night we may sweep all the cash from the table,\nAnd think it's enough of breaking a bank—\nWell breemed with the similes next morning would find us,\nTo the death of death, then and then and then—\nWhile Poverty creeping a month's behind me,\nWe may taint in a bumper, \"Good Luck and Rackette!\"", "Then, courage, let us keep alive while we're able,\nLet your pack be shrinking, your courage be stout—\nThough we may not know the reason, we are sure of that,\nYou still have a ticket to shore up the spot.", "And what of once more you are muck'd out completely !\nFor there's no reason at all why your mug should be full;\nFor when you know, you can do the thing madly;\nAnd, when screw'd in a corner, can draw on your dad.", "## THE ACCOMMODATING SCHNEIDER; OR, DOING A BIT OF STIFF.", "\"Good morning, Old Thimbliehow—is your temper ?\nNo doubt in good feather for the trick I've\nBy Jove, I'm clean'd out again, eadem temper,\nAnd my draft you must not on the Marquess of Thieh.", "\"Last night, at Rackette I was shamefully plumbed,\nAnd hell! A plum's piqued! I was glad to encamp\nSo the difference from out this bill for a hundred,\nAnd don't stand there grinning, 'O' Dlickock-and-Tay.'\"", "\"Why, Sir, you must be very unwellin',\nAnd 'tis, as you may, a tristling song, and so on,\nBut, truly, to-day I can't part with a shilling,\nFor most over-crowded I am banking account—\n(\"That gammon won't do, my old Syllock, for Fredry,\nThough you come it in famous sermons like;\nI'll now very well you won't part with your ready,\nWithout, a fat beons to make it worth while.\nDo some your own terms, and don't vext me with yen's,\nBut come like a Trajent at once to the mark;\nI cannot a dray for the dillings be having,\nAnd have promised Maria a drive in the Park.\"", "", "", "", "## TURKS FROM THE DIVAN; or, PUFFING AND BLOWN.", "“Keep your distance, ya filly brute? what female of delicate sex can endure such ’smokey chimneys’.”—A perfect divinity Jack; but she will not be the worse for performing “quarantine” let us fumigate her a little; she comes under the New Order in Council, and public health must be preserved.”", "\"Come, my pretty lass, I sees\" you vants a protector ;\nno just walk with me to the station-house; I've takens tankard a young woman there. Don't tell me you're nothing but a milliner's cat; I knows better—you're a common street vaker ; and this is not the first time I've run on you on my my lie. The Hat must be obbed, and the morals of the public preserved.”", "## OYSTER & SUPPER ROOMS.", "\"O, pray, sir, release me; indeed you're mistaken;\nDo let me tow'r's home go in quiet along;\nLet my tears in your breast some compassion break,\nFor I haven't, believe me, done anything wrong.\"", "“Release you, indeed! that's a famous idea!”\nOf course you are scheming to give me the slip;\nBut yet, after all, if I let's go, break it up,\nYou think you can manage to fork out some tip ?”", "## THE NEW POLICE AND THE DRAMA.", "\"Now, King Dick, you must just walk with us before Master Codd; for he says as he wont have no infringement in the regular Dræma—and considers you 'penny theatricals' the wary foundation of wice.\"", "\"In jail you may labour with courage untried,\nAnd fancy that nature has formed you to die for,\nWhile your blood, which like to Lancaster, 'summit aspiring,\nVil have plenty of time on that treadmill to cool.", "Come, gailant Richmond: your whole force embodied,\nThe New Police Force has now got in its power;\nAnd as to these kids they had better be good,\nThan another'd to death by King Dick in the Tower.”", "## SUNDAY GRUBBING AT JACK STRAW'S CASTLE.", "\"Well, if this ain't coming it pretty strong, I'm blewd'—\npast three o'clock, in the very middle of the afternoon,\nAnd then coves a grubbing as if there vam't such a thing as\na police man in hexestry, I say; Bull, we must put a stop to this here himmorality ?\"", "“Hello, my young fellows, vot are you about ?\nI'll make you all shut up your jaw-vert like winking;\nA eating rump steaks, and a swallowing stout;\nBy the powers, we have cotch'd you at atatin and drinking.”", "The Hact all such carnal enjoyment forbids,\nAs very improper and very blasphemous;\nVy isn't you at church vith your vives and your kids,\nTo learn them the duty of feeling abominous ?", "## THE GOVERNOR'S LECTURE.", "\"Frederick, it grieves me to the soul\nTo learn the course that you're pursuing,\nA change which I would fain control,\nAnd, leading to decided rain.", "Bitter indeed you've made my cup—\nIt may be much obligation,\nAnd for yourself you're treasuring up\nHemorrea, distress, and degradation.”", "## CAD TO A CAB STAND—DROPPING DOWN.", "\"Te hard to sustain, with a spirit unshak'd,\nThe change of fortune from her down;\nAnd when fast in society's scale we are sinking,\nTo stile reflection and laugh at her frowns.\nWhen all our bright hopes and fair prospects have faded,\nOur glory departed and shrouded our star;\nThis sad, wretched castaways, friendless, degraded,\nTo know what we might have been—feel what we are !\"", "## THE CLOSING SCENE.", "Poor fellow! 'tend thus endles thy powerful reverences,\nThy system all wasted, thy energies chill;\nThy death bed encountered by hospital nurses,\nThy grave a scene of Anatomy, Plaster, and Bill.", "Ah, gloomy and sad is the Swell's situation,\nAnd dreary the spot where he draws his last breath;\nNo friends and no kindred to speak consultation,\nOr smooth by affection the pillow of death.", "Where are now the choice spirits, his palm of the fashion,\nThe Noble, the Benc-ep, the Soly, the Rich,\nOh, dead to good feeling, and cold to compensation—\nThey leave him to die like a dog in a ditch.", "## THE RIDDLERS' COLUMN.", "Why is a benemont man like a cart-horse?—Because he stops at the gate and waits for the cart—Because it has twoynnys.", "Why is the word lilies like a man's feet?—Because it has twoynnys.", "Why is a hired labourer like a traweller?—Because he is a journeyman.", "Pa and Ma. Why is the letter D like a squalling child?—Because it makes Ma-mad.", "Why is the letter Y like a young spendthrift?—Because it makes Pa, pay.", "Why is a stoker on a ralkway well vered in the laws of punc-tuation?—Because he never puts coal (on colom) when he should make a full stop.", "What is the height of foly?—To expend your last shilling for a pere, and then to die—Because it is a fel-low-feeling for a fellow-creator.", "Why is our very good friend like a very great drunkard?—Because it is always ready to make a sacrifice to back us (Bac-chus).", "What guno designates the moving of a vessel in a storm?—Pitch and tows.", "My daughter Annie used to be dull when she was a maiden: why is she always since her marriage?—Because she is Anni-mated.", "Why is it like 1642 ?—One is 1640, the other is 1642 (too) !", "If you were pulling my dog's tail, why is it like your ten-caddy?—Because your ten's in it (Teasing it).", "\"Why is the letter D like a ring?\" said a young lady to the accepted, one day, the gentleman, like the generality of his sex in such a situation, as was a hammer.—\"Because,\" added the lady, with a very modest at the picture, the other end of the room, \"because we can't be wed without it.\"", "Geography and grammar strive after each other to form the pit of the fellow's clever pum—How is the Ice (Isle)? There is another colder—the Ice (Ice-er).", "Why is the grass on which the cow foods older than yourself?—Because it is pasturage (Past your age).", "Why is the grain on which the corn feeds older than yourself?—Because it is pasturage (Past your age).", "Why is a man who keeps his eyes shut up like an illiterate school-master?—Because he keeps his pupils in darkness.", "Why are cowardly soldiers like butter?—Because when ex-poosed to death, then and then and then—", "\"Why is the letter D like a ring?\" said a young lady to the accepted, one day, the gentleman, like the generality of his sex in such a situation, as was a hammer.—\"Because,\" added the lady, with a very modest at the picture, the other end of the room, \"because we can't be wed without it.\"", "Why do butchers always rob themselves?—Because they al-ways rob themselves for their own knives.", "\"Why did Adam hit the apple?\" said a schoolmaster, to a country inf.—\"Because he had a knife,\" said the urkin.", "Why is a man who runs after a lady?—Because a lady, Ebeo will have the last word.", "Why is a young lady attributed to the present fashion like a careful housewife?—Because she keeps her waist (crave) in a small compass.", "What paines are those that yet more prevalent in every country with the increase of the population, yet medical men never try to relieve them?—Pain (pain) of gise.", "Why was the piece of plum cake which has disagreed with the Princess Royal, one of the metropolitan anuruses?—Why? because it was Maude Hili (made her ill).", "Why do butchers always rob themselves?—Because they al-ways rob themselves for their own knives.", "\"Why did Adam hit the apple?\" said a schoolmaster, to a country inf.—\"Because he had a knife,\" said the urkin.", "Why is a young lady attributed to the present fashion like a careful housewife?—Because she keeps her waist (crave) in a small compass.", "What paines are those that yet more prevalent in every country with the increase of the population, yet medical men never try to relieve them?—Pain (pain) of gise.", "Why was the star to be the best astronomer?—Do you give it ?—Because they have studded the heavens for more than six thousand years.", "Why is a piece of plum cake which has disagreed with the Princess Royal, one of the metropolitan anuruses?—Why? because it was Maude Hili (made her ill).", "Why article of dry confectionery do tears resemble?—Aridated drops.", "Why is a railroad carriage like a rope dancer?—Because it goes on a line.", "Why is a periodical like the blood of a healthy man?—Because very much depends on its circulation.", "Why is a cockney lover like a dog?—Because he bows and wags.", "Why is a dog with a broken leg like a boy at arthimel?—Because he puts down three and carries one.", "Why was Herod, the King of Judes, like Admiral Bucker at the muiny of the Nore?—Because he issued orders to cut off all the boys (moyes).", "Why is the Great Britain steamer like the Repalc came in Ireland?—Because it is nearly a wreck.", "Why do the queen's pages remind you of a rill way?—Because they are train-boys.", {"bbox": [825, 848, 1