THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

ANN ARBOR 48104

DEPARTMENT OF ECONOMICS

GENERAL

KISSINGER, HENRY A./E/

December 22, 1970

Dr. Henry A. Kissinger
Special Assistant to the President
for National Security Affairs
The White House
Washington, D.C. 20501

Dear Henry:

I am taking the liberty of writing to explore whether you would be interested in a small private meeting with a few thoughtful and knowledgeable China types here in Ann Arbor. This would give you an opportunity to explore some of the initial policy issues now under review inside the government, away from the hurly burly of Washington, in a quiet setting (at least quiet for the time being), and with a group of individuals with whom you may not have had much contact.

Timing, format etc., we would leave to you, although I imagine one might want to think in terms of the next few weeks, that is some time in January. The size and composition of the group could be adjusted so as to assure maximum usefulness. In any case, its maximum size would be five, including Allen Whiting, Dick Solomon, Al Feuerwerker, Rhoads Murphey and myself. Of course we would be glad to add anyone you feel could contribute to the discussion. I am sure you know Allen; Solomon is a very bright young political scientist, well known in the China field. Feuerwerker is one of the ablest modern China historians in the country and Murphey is a historical geographer who spent the war years in China.

If you felt it useful, Whiting, Solomon and I could prepare a policy paper for the occasion which would give us something to shoot at. Alternatively we could discuss these issues and write up something afterward. We could do this over dinner and an evening, or of an afternoon, or for that matter in any way that suited your convenience. If you wanted to stay overnight, we would be delighted to have you.

I realize that your commitments may preclude the possibility of your getting away. Should this be the case and you would still find such a meeting useful and possible, at least some of us could do this in Washington. In closing let me assure you that I would not suggest this unless I were convinced that this group has something to contribute.

Cont'd

Scene I: The White House, Washington, D.C.; December 30, 1976.

Scene II: St. Botolph Club, Boston; the next day.

Scene III: A secret location, Harvard Square; that afternoon.

Scene IV: The White House; that evening.

1.

## Scene I

(Nick Dixon's office in the White House. Enter Henry Kiplinger. Nick Dixon is seated in a chair, studying some papers.)

Henry: Oh boss?
Chief?
Mr. President?
Your Majesty?

Nick: Sorry, Henry, I didn't hear you. I've been going over some ideas for my farewell address.

Henry: Eight years gone so fast. Too bad you couldn't have a third term.

Nick: For that we'd have to suspend the Constitution. I think that would be going a little too far.

Henry: You were always big on law and order.

Nick: Tell me, Henry, what are your plans now that you'll be leaving Washington?

Henry: Oh, I guess I'll go back to Harvard.

Nick: Do you think they'll take you back?

Henry: Sure — they took Moynihan back.

Nick: Harvard owes you a favor. Who was that Harvard professor you got me to let out of jail?

2.

Henry: Popcorn. Samuel Popcorn.

Nick: He didn't want to testify - what was that all about?

Henry: (scratching his head) I forget. Nothing important.

Nick: Do you realize it's only three weeks till the
inauguration of the new President?

Henry: Too bad Spiro Agnew didn't want to run. He'd
have made a dandy President.

Nick: But we were lucky Teddy Kennedy didn't want to
run either.

Henry: After the new President takes over, what do you
plan to do?

Nick: I'll be busy writing my memoirs. I've got a con-
tract with Little Brown for one million dollars.

Henry: I'll be doing some writing, too.

Nick: Oh?

Henry: I've got a contract with Grove Press to do a book
about my secret sex life.

Nick: Sounds interesting. What's the title?

Henry: "The Ins and Outs of a Washington Swinger."

Nick: How much are they paying you?

Henry: Two million dollars.

Nick: Two million? I'm the President and I only get
one million.

Henry: Sorry about that, boss.

Nick: Time to get to work, Henry. Any new matters for
my attention?

3.

Henry: We've got a request for a pardon.

Nick: Not the Watergate boys?

Henry: Oh no. You pardoned them the day they were convicted.

Nick: Well, who is it?

Henry: A journalist named Jimmy Breslin.

Nick: What's he in for?

Henry: Giving a seditious speech.

Nick: When was that?

Henry: Four years ago at some club in Boston. He said some dirty words and he made disrespectful remarks about the President.

Nick: About me? How much longer does his sentence have to run?

Henry: Ninety-five years.

Nick: Let him stay there.

Henry: (writing it down) No pardon for Breslin.

Nick: Henry, there's something you've forgotten.

Henry: Forgotten? What?

Nick: You haven't asked me what I plan to say in my farewell address.

Henry: Sorry, boss. What do you plan to say in your farewell address?

Nick: I thought I'd review all my accomplishments.

Henry: Our accomplishments?

Nick: My accomplishments.

Henry: Yes, boss.

Nick: Now let's see. I ended the war in Vietnam.

4.

Henry: Stopped inflation.

Nick: Improved our foreign relations.

Henry: Wiped out unemployment.

Nick: Reduced taxes.

Henry: Abolished poverty.

Nick: Solved the drug problem.

Henry: Brought us back together.

Nick: Not a bad record, Henry.

Henry: I think we've done very well.

Nick: I've done very well.

Henry: Yes, boss.

(SONG HERE)

Nick: But there is one thing that still troubles me, one loose end we haven't tied up.

Henry: What's that?

Nick: The problem of Massachusetts.

Henry: Ach! the problem that defies solution!

Nick: It's too bad what happened — the way Massachusetts was the only state that went against me back in 1972.

Henry: He who is not with you is against you.

Nick: Secession from the Union, that's what it was. So we've had to deal with them accordingly. A strict embargo on all communications with Massachusetts and a cutoff of all Federal assistance. But they still haven't come to terms.

5.

Henry: You've offered very generous terms.

Nick: I've sent all kinds of negotiators — Billy Graham, John Wayne, Jimmy Hoffa.

Henry: But still they're holding out.

Nick: We don't have anything personal against Massachusetts, do we, Henry?

Henry: Some of my best friends live in Massachusetts.

Nick: I'd really love to solve this Massachusetts question before I leave office.

Henry: It'd be a real feather in your cap — your crowning achievement.

Nick: The Massachusetts Provisional Government has its headquarters in Boston at a place called the St. Botolph Club.

Henry: St. Botolph Club? Sounds familiar.

Nick: Aren't you a member of that club?

Henry: That's right, I am.

Nick: Henry, I'm sending you on one final mission.

Henry: Yes, boss?

Nick: You're flying to Boston. There you'll hold secret negotiations with Massachusetts for its return to the Union.

Henry: Are you sure I can handle this job?

Nick: I know you can. It's the most important mission of your whole career.

6.

Henry: What do you think I should wear?

Nick: Why don't you go as you are?

Henry: Plain old loveable Henry?

Nick: No fads, no frills — that'd go over big in Boston.

Henry: No, this calls for some kind of special outfit.

Something distinctive. Something that'll really impress them. I've got it! I know just the thing to wear!

Nick: What?

Henry: Sorry, boss. It's classified top secret. You'll have to wait and see!

7.

## Scene II

(Teddy and Kevin and Sarge sitting at a table. Sarge, who is in the middle, raps for order with a wine bottle. Teddy is reading a comic book and licking a large lollipop.)

Sarge: The meeting will come to order. This is an emergency meeting of the Executive Committee of the Provisional Government of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts; otherwise known as the Terrible Three; otherwise known as Teddy and Kevin and Sarge.

He's Teddy (gestures right); he's Kevin (gestures left); and I'm Sarge. I'm in charge.

Kevin: How come you called this special meeting? I was supposed to talk to the City Council.

Teddy: And I had a date to go sailing on my new sailboat.

Sarge: We've received an urgent message from the White House. An offer to hold secret peace talks.

Kevin: Who are they sending this time — Martha Mitchell?

Sarge: They're sending their top man, Dr. Henry Kiplinger.

Kevin: Sounds like they're serious. What's the proposal?

Sarge: We select a negotiator and send him to meet Kiplinger at 4 o'clock this afternoon at a secret location in Harvard Square.

8.

Kevin: Do you think we should give it a try?

Sarge: We have to. This embargo is killing us. The Navy Yard's been closed and all the Federal offices shut down.

Kevin: Except for the Internal Revenue Service.

Sarge: They've even cut off the postal service.

Kevin: But nobody's noticed any difference.

Sarge: Route 128 is an economic disaster area - all Federal contracts cancelled.
(SONG HERE)
"Teddy + Kevin + Sage"
Tune - Vive 'L'Amour

Kevin: You're right, Sarge. Things are really bad. We can't hold out much longer.

Sarge: If we don't get our fingers back in the pork barrel, we're finished.

Kevin: Is that unanimous?

Teddy: Oh sure. Whatever you fellows say is O.K. with me.

Sarge: Now who do you think we should send to this secret meeting?

Kevin: How about Louise Day Hicks?

Sarge: How about Dapper O'Neill?

Teddy: Don't send me.

Kevin: Don't worry, we won't.

Sarge: Who was that guy got us into this mess back in 1972? That presidential candidate that Massachusetts went for - George something or other.

9.

Kevin: McGoo. George McGoo.

Teddy: "George McGoo in '72!"

Kevin: "George McGoo and Eagleton too!"

Sarge: As I recall, he was *your* candidate.

Kevin: Not me. I was for Muskie.

Teddy: And I was sailing my boat.

Sarge: Well, why don't we give this job to George McGoo?
He got us into this mess. Let him get us out of it.

Kevin: Let George do it!

Teddy: Let George do it!

Sarge: (picking up the telephone) Pick up George McGoo
and bring him down here right away.

Kevin: How do you know where he is?

Sarge: He hangs around on the Common with the Hare Krishna
group. Purifying his soul for a big political
comeback in 1984.
(Enter George McGoo, looking down-at-the-heels.)

George: How do you do. I'm George McGoo.

Sarge: You're not the same McGoo

Kevin: That we all knew

Teddy: In '72.

Sarge: You're looking rather seedy.

Kevin: Actually needy.

Teddy: Yes indeedy.

Sarge: Your eyes have gotten beady.

Kevin: And your voice is sounding reedy.

10.

Teddy: Yes indeed.

Sarge: Your clothes are looking weedy.

Kevin: Not a bit tweedy.

Teddy: Yes indeed.

(SONG HERE)

George: Like I told the folks back home in South Dakota,
winning isn't everything.

Kevin: It sure as hell beats losing.

George: Now that's where you're wrong, friend. Any crude
slob can win a presidential election. All it takes
is spending a lot of money and getting a lot of votes.
But it takes real finesse, real class, to be a loser.

Sarge: And you're a real loser.

George: Friends, as it says in the Bible, blessed is he
who loses because righteousness is in him and he
shall surely overcome.

(Voices offstage: "Poor George is dead, etc.")

George: I keep hearing these voices!

Kevin: I didn't hear anything.

Sarge: Me neither. You must be imagining things.

George: I understand you gentlemen wanted to talk to me.

Sarge: That's right. We've got a job for you, George.
A chance to get back into public life.

George: What do I have to do?

11.

Kevin: We need a negotiator to hold secret talks with Henry Kiplinger. And your name just happened to come up.

George: I'm mighty honored.

Sarge: We want to get Massachusetts back into the Union and put an end to this embargo. We're pretty hard up, so we'll take any reasonable deal they offer.

George: What's in it for me?

Kevin: Free lunch and plenty of publicity.

George: I'm your man! What time is the meeting?

Sarge: Four o'clock this afternoon.

Kevin: We'd better get this guy a new suit. Can't have our negotiator looking like a bum.

Sarge: Right. Something distinctive to make a big impression.

Kevin: I've got an idea. (whispers to Sarge.)

Sarge: Sounds great! George, we'll take you to the tailor and then you're off to the secret talks.

George: Right on!

Kevin: We're counting on you, George, to bring home the bacon.

Sarge: And remember — we're behind you one thousand percent.

George: Thanks, fellas. It's really great to have your confidence.

(SONG by Teddy and Kevin and Sarge: "Everybody loves a loser! That's why we're in love with you/ Georgie baby....")