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TITLES:

ANNOUNCER:

Women! - Herself, her family, her
world, her future, brought to you
by SARAN WRAP...the wonderful plastic
food wrap. With this sparkling
protection...your family's foods
stay fresh. And now....speaking for
our reporters - the men and women of
CBS News, - here is Miss Margaret
Truman

MISS TRUMAN:

Thank you. And welcome to the third of our special programs
called "WOMAN!" It is a fact that this year in the United
States, over four hundred thousand marriages will end in
divorce, that another one hundred and sixty thousand will
end in separation, that there are more than half million
children of these families....whose lives will never be the
same. The cost of "The Marriage That Failed" is a great
one.....to society.....to the individual.

JUDGE PAUL ALEXANDER:

You can't sit in a divorce court as
I've been sitting for some 20 odd
years now without realizing that
divorce causes an infinite amount of
heartaches that are never realized
on the outside, never recognized.
It's only people who have been through
the mill who know what those
heartaches are.

DEVORCEE 1:

I remember vividly when the judge
handed me my divorce decree in this
room.

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DIVORCEE 1:
(CTD)

I remember the feeling I had of tremendous loss, a loss so great that when I walked out of here I did something which I've never done before. I went into a bar with a person who had appeared as my witness and had a couple of drinks. This loss, it's difficult to put into words. You feel a complete failure and you just think that there really isn't anything much to face. However, before you get the divorce you think that this is the only answer and yet the very minute that the judge put the decree in my hand, I wondered if this was what I really wanted.

DIVORCEE 2:

I didn't like to have to accept the responsibilities completely alone for my children, the change in my social life, definitely the change in my economic status. There were a lot of things that I didn't like to give up, the pleasure of being at home and attending functions at which your friends were. I didn't like to give up attending my children's activities. There were a lot of those that I had to give up. And these are the things that can be very, very small or rolled in together can become such big problems that the divorced person can either break down completely or turn into an extremely unhappy and very emotionally disturbed person.

MISS TRUMAN:

Divorce is a painful and melancholy experience, the end result of a broken family, not the cause, the last chapter in "The Marriage That Failed," Must we have such failure in such appalling numbers? Can we afford this erosion of the family system that is the very basis of our national life?

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JUDGE PAUL ALEXANDER:
(CTD)

I wonder if I demand or expect too much from this or that or the other thing? Soon as we can turn our sight inward and gain what we call insight, then, we're on the right road to making ourselves more happy, making our marriages more pleasant and thus giving the marriage a chance to continue.

MISS TRUMAN:

We are about to meet husbands and wives from Detroit and Toledo who have consented to appear on this program because they believe that their personal experiences may be helpful to others. These couples, all of them, represent marriages that were threatened with destruction. As they grope for insight into their problems you will hear them reflect common surface symptoms of tension in marriage; in-law trouble, absence from the home, irreconcileable quarrels and inability to communicate.

MRS. KASTNER:

Iuh met my husband shortly before World War Two and uh he insisted before he went into the service that I leave my family surroundings and come and stay with his mother while he was in the service. He was in the service for a couple of years and I stayed with his mother and when he was discharged from the service he..we stayed with his mother for a while which really didn't work out too well uh

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MR. KASTNER:

One of the reasons it didn't work out too well was because of the fact that I felt that while living under mother's roof we ought to more or less acquiesce to mother's demands. Inasmuch as she was providing the room, so to speak, we ought to more or less cater to her desires and to her wishes. This Miriam didn't always agree with.

MRS. K:

It was kind of hard. It's not good for any two women to live under the same roof.

MR. B:

Our problem perhaps in our stage of life is one of compatibility. We find after our children have married, we find that we're left alone and we have to learn to know each other. We have to become pals again as we were shortly after marriage.

MRS. B:

In fact, while the girls were at home, things weren't a bit difficult because our interests were theirs. But then uh when we were left alone with each other, uh we found that my husband had been going his way in bowling and activities and I had been going my way.

MR. M:

Our marriage had started out all right. We were married just shortly before the war and uh then I went away to service and when I came out that I think began our difficulties right there. We were not used to each other and had to get to be a situation of being adjusted again and I think as time progressed uh we'd begun to realize that divorce was not the answer to the problem. After all, I did love the children as did you, and uh I also had some fond thoughts of you too, if you really believed it or not. And I knew something had to be done but what?

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MISS TRUMAN:
(CTD)

Beneath the surface of family disputes there are basic and
fundamental human needs, which in the view of one of
America's outstanding leaders in the field of family life....
must be understood by both husbands and wives. We will meet
Dr. Aaron Rutledge....after this word from our friends at
Dow Chemical.

COMMERCIAL:

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DR. RUTLEDGE:
(CONT'D)

Very frequently, the couples that
come to us for counseling have
followed something of this sequence.
In the early days of marriage they
have resorted to sex expression as
the one sure way of finding just
about the essence of nearness. And
yet because of the risk in other
areas of communication they
gradually block them out. The first
thing you know, you have a couple
that really never discuss anything
seriously and when they have a deep
feeling, a craving for each other
its expressed almost completely
through the sex act. Now there's
nothing wrong with this in itself.

In fact, many of these young couples
get along extremely well for one
year, two years or five years. But
eventually you get into difficulty
because of all the feelings and all
the needs for communication between
a couple are chanelled through one
form of expression, namely sexual
intercourse. Well, any line of
communication can take just so many
messages before it breaks down.

Typical in these marriages is the
expression of hostility, the relief
of all sorts of tensions, the need
to share at any and every level,
intellectual, social. All of this
is expressed through the sex drive.
Then one day the lines of
communication get overcrowded. This
breaks down. Their sex life is a
mess, either non existent or
conflicting and they come for help.
By this time, they usually have a
great deal of sense of bitterness,
and we hear the accusations that he
must not love me anymore, he must
have a girl friend. She must never
have loved me or we're incompatible.
Then this friction and the resulting
tension can set off all kinds of
problems that often then are named
as the real issue when the person
comes to the marriage counselor.

MISS TRUMAN:

As Dr. Rutledge says, a single line of communication between man and woman is not enough. This is the challenge facing a marriage counsellor, the opening or re-establishing of multiple lines of communication.

PICTURE: WOMAN ENTERING...TOLEDO COURT...BACK OF HEAD AND HAND SHOTS...

MISS TRUMAN (over background talk):

How does marriage counselling work? At Toledo's family court many persons come to seek help for troubled marriage. Here under one roof is a staff trained in all the social sciences.

When help is sought and the symptoms are described, what is the role of the counselor? He listens to the stories of difficulty, sometimes for three or four sessions, sometimes for any many as fifty. The average is eight to ten interviews.

MORE

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MISS TRUMAN:

That was Dr. Emily Mudd, Director of the Philadelphia
Marriage Council and Professor of Family Study in Psychiatry
at the Medical School of the University of Pennsylvania...
But, should everyone in marital difficulties rush off to
a marriage counselor?

DR. AARON RUTLEDGE:

No indeed, there are many people
who should not go to a marriage
counsellor, even though they know
they have problems within their
marriage. In fact, if they really
felt they wanted to, most of them
would never have the chance to get
into a marriage counsellors office,
simply because there're not enough
to go around. Perhaps the best
approach to this question of who
should have help or when should
they have help could be understood
if we approached it sort of from
the reverse end. If a person goes
to a marriage counsellor, if a
couple shows up in his office, his
foremost task is to help them break
down the barriers to communicating,
to sharing, to relating... First of
all with him, so that as quickly as
possible they can become able to
sit down in their own home and talk
out their real feelings, their real
hurts, their real desires and
longings and then even if they feel
that they don't love each other any
more as sometimes they do feel, if
they can find just enough respect
for another human being to listen
to him and give him enough chance
to express himself, gradually some
understanding begins to emerge.

MORE

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MISS TRUMAN:

Perhaps the most important step in self-help in marriage
is to be alert to the signs of danger and to act in time.

What are those signs? For this insight we turn to a
distinguished psychiatrist...Dr. Harrison Sadler of Detroit.

DR. HARRISON SADLER:

I would like to consider with you
some signs or what we might better
call signals which would give you
some hints that, ah, you're beginning
to feel problems within the marriage.
The first one is some difficulty
in the area of communication. Always
you should attempt to keep open the
channels of communication and to
attempt to bring forth feelings,
ideas and impulses that are
disturbing you. Always keep in mind
that communication requires that you
be able to transcend your own
immediate condition in order to
allow yourself to become concerned
or to pay attention to the other.

The next sign I would like you to
consider is that of repulsion.
Repulsion is felt in the system. You
can actually feel it in your body.
When repulsion comes, it quite often
means that something is wrong within
the marriage system and the partner
is reminding you in a manner, or
gesture, or little attitude or
quality of something which is not
fitting as it were into your own
self.

Beyond repulsion but almost in the
same category are the feelings of
contempt, of scorn, of derision.
When these things begin to emerge,
also you should try to the best of
your ability to communicate about
these things.

The third sign is that of the feeling
of isolation.

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DR. HARRISON SADLER:
(CTD)

When you can't feel as it were a
contact with the married partner and
the fantasies may be turning to some
fulfillment by someone else. Being
civilized like being married is not
an easy job. You can take no part
of it for granted. You have to keep
working at it all the time, and
the best kind of democratic arena
which you can set in your own
household for discussion, for respect,
for attention, for concern is the
best way to keep a marriage strong
and healthy.

MISS TRUMAN:

We've seen how health and strength may be restored to a
marriage by skilled counseling and through individual effort
by husbands and wives. There are other important resources,
community resources, which also address themselves to the
prevention of marriage failures. We will see examples of
such community action...immediately following station
identification.

STATION BREAK

TITLES...

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ANNOUNCER:

Woman! Herself, her world, her
family, her future. The first
portion of our program has been
brought to you by Saran Wrap...in
the regular...or extra-wide, Queen
size roll....a product of the Dow
Chemical Company.

TITLE....HARP

MISS TRUMAN:

"The Marriage That Failed." This hour is devoted to the
proposition that a large percentage of marriages that fail
need not fail, and that something can be done about it. Our
program was filmed in Detroit and Toledo, two cities where
problems of marital failure are dealt with aggressively,
in Toledo through the Family Court Center; in Detroit by a
vigorous effort of social agencies working with schools and
universities. But even such extensive action can barely meet
the need. It is a need that calls on all resources of the
community. In Toledo, as in other cities, the clergy,
representatives of all faiths, have responded.

CUT TO CLERGY

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MISS TRUMAN: (OFF CAMERA)

Their main concern, as they meet with Marriage Counselor
Warren Grissom, is to break down the barriers that stand
between clergymen and the men and women in need of help.

WARREN GRISSOM: What has been your experience, Rabbi Goldberg in dealing with those of your Synagogue that might be unhappy and having troubles in their marriage?

DR. MORTON GOLDBERG: I considered my primary function to get them to talk and to tell the respective stories. Now, what I must do and do immediately to the best of my ability is to discern whether their stories show an acute infection, which I consider temporary, or whether there is a chronic infection there. And when I feel, when I conclude that it is a chronic infection, then I refer them to those qualified. First step, I believe, is the first step has to be done, I think, by the Family Counseling Service and from there, if the family counseling service should discover further needs for professional service, then I leave it to them to refer the parties to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

DR. RAYMOND K. BEALS: I think that one problem we face right at the outset is the failure of the average person to realize how willing and even eager his pastor is to help him.

REV. ALLEN G. YOUNGBLOOD: Often times a couple who has met with a definite problem instead of going to the pastor they will go to relatives and friends and acquaintances with a type of program we might call self-pity, self-justification. Then after many tales have been told, many vows have been made and many problems have become super-problems, they turn, alas, to the minister.

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FATHER WILLIAM SULLIVAN:
(CTD)

And so frequently not knowing one's self you don't realize how selfish you are until it is called to your attention and then possibly there may be a change of mental attitudes towards the problem that exists.

MISS TRUMAN:

The ministers of Toledo sponsor a high school marriage course for seniors as well as an engaged couples seminar.

The Catholic Cana Conference is active in pre-marital and marital guidance. As these clergymen have suggested, their greatest problem is reaching the troubled marriage in time...

DETROIT EXTERIORS...

MISS TRUMAN: (OFF CAMERA...)

In the Detroit area another kind of community action is gaining momentum. Interested married couples are beginning to participate in a new kind of family conference. This meeting is being held at Wayne State University in McGregor Memorial Hall. The sponsor is the Oakland County Extension Service at Michigan State University. The evening begins with the participants assembled in small discussion groups, so organized that husbands and wives are not seated at the same tables.

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MISS TRUMAN: (OFF CAMERA)
(CTD)

The subjects are not set. Any aspect of marital relations
may be introduced.

The couples who attend these meetings are not husbands and
wives in search of treatment; they are people with normal
family tensions, who have come to this meeting to gain
insights, to prevent small problems from becoming large ones.

The preliminary discussions are over. Now the members of
the Family Conference adjourn to the auditorium. Here they
will address the questions that have arisen in their
discussions to a pair of experts on family relations.

Standing by to respond are Dr. Robert O. Blood, Assistant
Professor of Sociology at the University of Michigan. With
Dr. Blood we meet---an old friend by now, Dr. Aaron Rutledge.
And the questions begin...

MEETING:

QUESTIONER: WOMAN

Dr. Blood, I'd like to ask you what
can you do when one partner is
jealous, or perhaps both partners
are jealous of each other...or just
plain jealous...how can you help
the partner get over this or how
can both of you or the guilty party
get over this.

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DR. BLOOD: What do you mean by the guilty partner?

QUESTIONER: The person that is jealous, how would you overcome this?

DR. BLOOD: You mean that the person that's jealous without any reason for it?

QUESTIONER: Or just plain jealous, sometimes with reason or without. (Laughter)

DR. BLOOD: Well, if I am guilty of doing something which makes my wife jealous, then the first thing I have to do, I suppose, is say I'm sorry.

DR. RUTLEDGE: You know, it's very easy to glide over some of the deeper involvements of jealousy. I know that the generally the accepted view is that perhaps one reason a person is so jealous of another is because they love him so much. The best I can see jealousy has little or nothing to do with love. Jealousy is an expression, pure and simple, of personal insecurity, inadequacy, and fear. Has nothing to do with love...and therefore, if you're really going to handle jealousy, you have to ask the deeper question: How can I, or how can he, or can we help each other to face up to these deep-seeded fears that we have about ourselves. I'm not worth enough to claim his love and attention. That fear...how can I face up to it...and if I'm really not that much of an unworthy person, how can I change my mind about myself, if I really am inadequate or unworthy? What can I do to grow myself a little bit more adequate? And only as feelings of inadequacy replace feelings of fears of inadequacy will jealousy disappear in my estimation.

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DR. BLOOD:

Well, I don't think its ever too late. I think certainly the more they have shared common interests during the time that the children have been growing up, the easier it will be for them to pick up at that point. But most couples, it seems to me, that when the last child leaves home, they breathe a sigh of relief because of all the responsibility that's been on their shoulders all these years. And they just naturally start out on a second honeymoon.

DR. RUTLEDGE:

The other day, a woman commented to her daughter in my presence, "Honey, you can do anything you want to at college, just as long as you go to college away from home."

(Laughter)

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DR. RUTLEDGE:
(CTD)

There's nothing they really value,
there's nothing they really
believe in, there's nothing by
which they really live. If these
two people, then, coming from
different backgrounds especially,
especially if they do, try to talk
about the value system which each
has rejected, they immediately are
talking about their parents. And
this becomes a dangerous area. Or
we may have individuals who alone
have some semblance of a workable
value system. But as a couple,
they have never put these together.
And evolved any common values
which would give meaning to family
or married living. Closely related
to these, of course, is the area
of communication. When
communication gets blocked between
a couple, you're really heading
for trouble -- as most of us have
learned at one time or another.
Communication gets blocked sometimes
because we have never learned to
share, we've never learned to talk
out, we've never learned to face
up to. At other times
communication gets blocked because
of hurts. We try to and we've been
rejected. We have tried to and
we've been attacked, or we feel we
have. Then, once we begin to pile
up feelings behind us and within us
and do not express them, they got
more and more dangerous. And many
marriages, the communication is at
an absolute minimum because the
couples are really afraid that if
they really do communicate, they'll
bust up the marriage. But the final
answer is, is that somehow or other
we must learn enough trust, we must
learn enough belief in, we must
learn enough of the skills that
enable us to lay out how we really
feel and somehow or other trust that
the other person will be motivated
to do the same thing...because it is
in communication that we grow,
whether as a person or as a marriage.
It's in communication that values
get clarified and new values evolve.
It's in communication that we find
the real meaningfullness of marriage.
(Applause)

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MISS TRUMAN:

Community action through the family conference.. the kind of
useful meeting that could be organized in any city in the
United States---an example of preventive action to solve
problems of man and wife. There is a thin line that
separates the marriage that need not have failed from the
marriage that succeeds. The problems the couples faced
whose marriages have failed are in no way different from the
problems faced by the couples who have maintained their
family. The difference lies in the will to make the
marriage work...to do whatever is needed to that end...
to talk...to listen..to seek help...to try---not only as
individuals, but as a community, as a nation.

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ANNOUNCER: OVER CREDITS

WE WISH TO THANK ALL THOSE IN
TOLEDO AND DETROIT WHO COOPERATED
TO MAKE THIS PROGRAM POSSIBLE:
AMONG THEM ARE THE CATHOLIC SOCIAL
SERVICES OF WAYNE COUNTY, THE
DETROIT COUNCIL OF CHURCHES AND,
AS WELL AS, THE JEWISH FAMILY---
AND CHILDRENS SERVICE AND THE
FAMILY SERVICE SOCIETY OF
METROPOLITAN DETROIT, BOTH OF WHICH
ARE AMONG THE 284 ACCREDITED FAMILY
AGENCIES PROVIDING MARITAL
COUNSELING IN 250 COMMUNITIES
ACROSS THE COUNTRY TO ONE MILLION
PEOPLE ANNUALLY.

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