["(3)", "morr asd jneusla to ythultane mad edt - \"VAJ -\ntedto deas its palhons memow dryd edt one emnudeet\npalhons to esrey jneus, nulhelfed, ylunendefundis\ndas ynd umnind, yes ynd day of aneail ene of tayl\nunneve, esed althand aneide, ylunendis once eal ynd\nundelubon, wend ansefe ylunene bap ealwvion stand\nyndibaw a of on of ane sae ney, at elus edt ylunendis\nyndibaw a of on edt althand aneide, ylunendis once eal\n\"Uisemn a eue", "dane eue edt, dufet ene morn jneus lew edt - \"AUN-\nAunb edeas a se, enif jneusellis a no ylunendis\nwe eflemeow edt, edneis a no evif edt as day\n\"Aisua jneus monnec a mesen lew edneis ew ylunendis", "nussee not, rawas tal althand aneide althand ane - \"AUN-\ndanb edeas tal althand aneide althand ane edt althand ane\n\"Iisemn bap used at it diight edt", "edt jnibwes edon edt, bne edt emoo squelit lew edt -\n(ano) jnibwes edt, bne edt", "eswes jneis\" konsaete edt jneis jneusendis edt, \"eswes al\nIf senbly sedd al to althesegun, anolheomnun stamet\nbis aenemoment allet to medd jone bine edt al\n\"Aisua jneus monnec edt, edneis a no evif edt as day\n\\Joneis monnec edt al tewoff a \"jensas\" edt VIOX danecis\nto althand edt, lebta bne evif vime tb lebta edt al\nfne al enbeowwom not, ylunene bap enbeowwom bne eneacount\nwend jone edt ew dandy diight des edt althand", "lew edneis edt al jnacutues edt vd berebitwed edt des edt\n\"Joneis monnec a os eredjedal, eswes al - .wes semnec", "Jesnaqgeen to lodeua a eswes al - \"VAJ -", "althand allet semnbe althand monb edt desent edt al\n\"Aisua lew edneis diight", "al thand edneis to enolthea al badeastot al sunb - \"AUN-\nedneis al thand aneide edt, bne edt althand ane\n\"Joneis monnec edt althand aneide edt, bne edt al\n\"Joneis monnec edt al thand aneide edt, bne edt al\n\"Joneis monnec edt al

["(3)", "of one (and) :end of life (which) -\ndoes not last for ever to be ended - (because)\n\"today\" and \"tomorrow\" to be linked together -\nnow a son of man - (because) of his birth -\nand also - (because) of his death -\ndoes not end - (because) of his end -\ndoes not end - (because) of his end -\nand so on - (because) of his end -\nand so on

["(a)", "but itself at least one salmon's old life - is gone -\ndied at deathbed at some point, and at last at death\nmore and more and more, it reaches at last its goal -\nand all that remains need even then be lost, and so\nenough and enough to be seen.", "effaced not of damage done, but still to be seen -\ntherefore: stillness him at once to enliven and at once\ndecals to still his wine again.", "to be remembered in its anteface even no more - so\nat least dead and old as an asset, if indeed has last\nit done, and because that on one side the wine is best\nand two of all notations and just as good as one of these\nafter the best is given to all, not least after the best.", "and so it would seem with many exceptions - so too -\nif it were not for some other reason - it would seem\nthat might be better left to see how the amuse and\nnotations are, as it were, a kind of blind", "despite not being very good at all - taste, taste -\ndoes not matter, so it does not matter how much one\nhas to do with it; not whether to be taken and how\nmuch to take away;

["(of)", "and of an old, old, old, old man, so as he could say -\nman you, or enlazurado, alon, univerum, bar, albar\nmore earl, eue well a vino, acornate, and, pison edam\n- eauou - di", "Inbaron, the fames newesd, delivere, - oie -\nour algeciras, eue, yfuanes, eue, city, eigoen -\nbes, eue, yfividesem, eue, yfisidem, eue, yfisidem -\nyfisidem, eue, yfisidem, eue, yfisidem

["(if)", "on each delay, then, on all that: self-denial, self-motivation, self-discipline, self

(xi)

the lawless and the lawless and who - the lawless and the lawless, who -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

comet them both over - 2/2 -

(13)

- 6/18 - life is a balance between conflicting forces. all things which live are the balance between opposites; and this, not a single weakness, is the meaning of moderation.

- 7/2 - originality is the next step in a progression (as opposed to a repetition of the last step)

- eyes feminine, nose masculine, phallic face

- love is the principle of motion; engendered by opposites, attracting each other

- 7/12 - anent the sensuality of Chamber Music: "We now romp through a period of pure lyricism of shamebred music" etc. p. 164 *Finnegans Wake*

- 7/26 - postcard church and postcard park

- the search for something desirable but noncontroversial, dead in itself, of social climbers and popular artists

- 7/27 - freedom and security opposites: that which is secure cannot be free
- freedom is therefore security

- the idea of ideal America, unbarriered, unfettered, wide with space of freedom - the spirit as it less and less exists now except in far and infrequent places where inclusion is everything and rejection nothing either- stationery and kinetic (particular) or wandering (universal) and the ideal inhabitants (Joyce)

- 8/6 - falling on her garden flows the fountain sleeping in his bed lies the mountain

(14)

- that which is explainable is dismissable: that which lack unity is unessential: perfect expression of *necessity* unites form and content.

- 8/4 - the originality of my actions derived from having no one to imitate ( no father, a brother avoided) the awkwardness of the daily tasks, tying shoes, cutting food, etc.

- 8/15 - the honey what I make of the nectar that I suck

- 8/20 - subject matter, on the other hand, is the domain of inspiration and its importance is solely to the artist, not to the audience.

- the possibility that muscular strength is a natural compensation for encephalic weakness.

- understanding is nothing without love, with love it produces beauty. beauty is technique. through it understanding can reach wisdom.

- 8/30 - "Then we burst forth, we float"
Walt Whitman - <u>Darest Thou Now</u>
<u>o soul.</u>

- 9/2 - pleasure is pain with the knowledge that it will stop. (the misery of X's being away, plus the elation that he will return.)

- I have never had skill in words and only when my meaning needed most urgently to be spoken has it found expression of a certain strength and clarity.

- 9/26 - try to understand mild activities' extremes,... and to create essences.

- 9/28 - note language and you cannot fail to understand that sensual and spiritual extasy are different manifestations of the same thing. (example: Rilke's Book of Hours)

(15)

- 9/30 - it is the interplay of relations within a set of limitations which determines morals, not the limitations themselves.

- 10/22 - I am not surprised by the unexpected and the inexplicable, but find in them no explanation necessary.

- 10/30 - the rectangle is masculine the circle is feminine

- chose your direction : everything becomes either larger or smaller - there is no stationary in between.

- 11/3 - birth is beginning to move in actuality toward dreams. (The end of the seventh day, the Journey 19)

- 11/5 - Today, in this weather, the city has an air only a postcard ever remembered. Enough leaves are blown from the trees to add to the distance seen across the park, and in the streets no sun nor mist gives accent but anonymous air lends equal pearlescence to pavements, buildings, moving cars and men.

- 11/7 - "We will not be shipwrecked on a vain reality."
Thoreau - Walden (Conclusion)
Vain, and it is by flattery that reality seduces us, limits us, and binds us. The Vanities of Reality.

- 12/8 - "Oh how he longed to be there now - alone with his thoughts - to think of one thing all his life - one thing! A thousand years would not be too much time."
Dostoevsky, The Idiot

- 12/20 - in a world in which the beautiful and the ugly cannot exist with equality, side by side in the same room, it is impossible to live.

(17)

- 2/4 - what happens matters completely, or not at all, where opposites are equal there is no compromise. Compromise, not opposition, is the weakening source.

- one can write either fiction (action) or philosophy (theory)

- riding on a tiger (in that you will soon be dead) also gives rense, and is therefore the same, as well as the antithesis of sleeping on an elephant.

- 2/13 - remember Shakespeare's warning: Nature's bequest gives nothing, but doth lend, And being frank, she lends to those are free.

- 2/18 - "What is independence? Freedom from all laws or bonds except those of one's own being, controlled by the universal ones." Whitman, Democratic Vistas

- 2/28 - "history is merely a story agreed on by posterity" Thoreau, Cap Cod

- "you must sail prudently between two tiers of stony knuckles before you come to feel the warmth of their breasts" ibid.

- 3/1 - the warm country is merely a place nearer fire than ice, nearer life than death, nearer love than hate. little conflagrations break out and their burning warms us and sustains life. they seem to appear most often in youth, but wherever they appear you find men gathered round to warm themselves.

- 3/4 - despite the importance of technical abilities it is personal integrity which determines the quality of an artist's work.

- 3/10 - in the daytime Manhattan is carrion lying in the sun, swarming with maggots; but at night it is a breathing nude lying relaxed on a mantle of blue velvet, caressed by those who slowly cross it.

(18)

- 3/18 - Joyce as carved out of a single stoke, not
fragments cemented together by unessential scenes (as
is Wilhelm Meister) but of one piece and thus defying
suspense which is merely the hope of reaching the real
again.

- 3/22 - "... it is with talent as with virtue; one
must love them for their own sake, or entirely
renounce them. And neither of them is
acknowledged and rewarded, except when their
possessor can practice them unseen, like a
dangerous secret." Goethe, <u>Wilhelm Meister</u>
again, what Rilke meant.

- 3/23 - wisdom is personal knowledge aware of its
relation to universal knowledge - truth. it is the
relative position and value of all things which gives
them their importance, - and it is this which we are
nowhere taught in formal education today.

- 4/18 - as a barrier to disappointment he carried the
scent of appleblossom perfume in his hand, covered by
a spray of living leaves. with others he lost identity,
but alone he could not enter a restaurant or a subway
car without feeling helpless revealed before all eyes.
he wanted to be needed, not to be judged, to be seen
close, not at a distance.

- to chose a subject or a technique as a limitation is
not to narrow, limit or weaken so long as the limitation,
complete and strong, and does not give at any point. any
one thing can include the universe. (Miss Moore, forever
with plants and animals, Balanchine, with no literal
meaning or narrative, Joyce's concentration on Catholic
morality) every complete limitation, by giving all of
itself and relegating all other things outside itself,
establishes an abstractable relation to all other things.

- I desire to convince myself, not to convince others;
folly and vanity, yet necessity.

- 8/1 - that it is desire which matters is brought home
to us in the empty life in which we are so assiduously
taught the means of obtaining that for which we do not
long.

(19)

- D.H. Lawrence's *The Merry-Go-Round* is a perfect movie scenario.

- 8/12 - that loneliness, mixed with lust, gives birth to love

- 8/26 - he had to feel that something was happening to him. he could not read sitting in a room, but he could read sitting outside where he knew the sun was shining on him.

- 9/21 - yet we know we desire so much more often than we know what we desire, and we are not only incapable of satisfying our longings but incapable of discovering what it is for which we long.

- 11/3 - when a thing is called forever I have a terrible compulsion to bring it to its end; but when I know that it is limited in time, I have a desire to keep it alive as long as possible, to make, or let, it continue. the difference between the ideal and the real, the first and the second.

for instance, we only fight death because we know it is inevitable, and if its certainty was removed nothing could be more horrible to us than the prospect of life.

- 12/4 - The Circle of the Rainbow.

- cold is motion inward from without and heat the reverse motion outward from within (Vico quoting Descartes)

NEW YORK NOTEBOOK

(Late 1941)

- It does not matter about political freedom, death may end freedom for man, but so long as he lives his soul is free and he can be bound only by love.

Hai! Now I could write an proposition to this: man is bound only by the absence of love.

vital

- How can we tell when we are working for somefixixxx end and not just killing time on a grand scale, - is love creating for an end, or avoiding that creating; is producing a work of art an act of creating or avoiding?

- Friendship and company, while giving us so much, take away much of what we had before, and not until we are alone again do we discover the barenness within us. Solitude is the only cure for the disease of civilization.

- people in that time (20's and 30's) assumed that communism would inevitably spread because it was the most contagious of the existing ideologies • they did not count on the arising of a new, then non-existent ideology, that would challenge and contest it.

- reverse the situation of mild man's lost feeling among the killing of the strong - my strong man turns away from the soothing of the mild.

- Titles: Two by Two
Sweet Sin
And the Seventh Day He Rested
Annotation of Connotation and Cross-notation: a learned pamphlet.

- Do the old pity the young for their inexperience as the young pity the old for their experience - that aged woman (man) in the office who was back to work two days after her (his) husband (wife) died.

- hearing her mirthless laugh was like looking at gums without teeth

- the black pearl color of the sky before rain-sky suddenly the black pearl color that precedes rain

["(2)", "- do the old pity the young for what is going to happen to them as the young pity the old for what has happened to them?", "- her face wearing her misthusless toothless laugh, her raw humorless\ngums standing **HAX HAX** bars.", "- Would you die by your own hand?\ndeath is courage\nlife imagination", "(January 1942)", "- When we state a fact about a man, it is of little more interest than to say that he is alive. It is when we state the transition from one fact to another, or juxtapose two facts for comparison, that interest is created.", "- the oondrum lying on the subway track in a financial section\nstation - how did it get there?", "- the mother leaning out of a third story window, screaming her\nlungs away calling her daughter who, standing in the entranceway\nof the building, lets her call a few times and then answers quietly,\n"What?", "- it has just occurred to me that though I think I hate Georgia\nso much, the truth is just that I feel strongly about it and someday,\nI fear, I may come to love it!", "- the climax of sex compared to the coming into existence of\nsomething which never seemed to exist before, - the beginning of a\nbird to suddenly sing, the quick unfolding of a bud into a flower,\nthe slow-motion appearance of air about the body of a diver entering\nthe water.", "- my mind has grown so tired of carrying other people's ideas that\nI shall cast them all down for a few of my own. (I shall even begin\na tyrany ofx 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(4)

P. P. says *Sorder* would be a good word for the sordid disorder in which he lives.

- Rain always fall in straight lines, or seems to, but snow follows the currents in the air and swerves before you like the surface of a river.

- What shall we do with human beauty? - how can we avoid the error of placing the value of some one part above the value of the whole, which is what we constantly do, whether it is as a lover perverted to admire some one *unworthy* part of the body, or as the universal adverage, regarding the appearance of a face and rejecting the rest of the body. Placing a component part above the whole of a thing leads to confusion (frustration) and impotency.

- snow - a bath of stars - continual.

- it seems to be coming so furiously, so fast, yet it wavers and stops, stands trembling before your eyes, and then sweeps away, bringing more in its place. - down between the great buildings in sweeps and swerves.

- It is not what we stack about ourselves or put into ourselves but what we can take out of ourselves that counts, - but what is the cry of an overfed man.

- The proud are always proud of their pride.

- Mrs. W., returning from church, breathlessly: We had a wonderful sermon today. The subject was righteous indignation and revenge. Mrs. W. always brought the Sunday journal and Constitution back to the girls. "If I don't bring the papers back," she says, "the poor dear things won't know what's going on in the week."

- "Good" people in their quiet pious way do so much harm.

- *Fear and Trembling* says: learn what is your business, indicating that a great many things are our business which we have neglected and that we have busied ourselves in many things which we should have left alone, - and then mind your own business. This book seems to say the Christian phrase, We have done those things etc. Then logic is called on to point out to us what these things might be, and this is the part for which the author wrote the book.

(5)

- In the dumb there are depths, of merely holes, that we can never fathom. (C. sells this mystery, I doubt it.)

- The day was dark with brilliance like a night bright with moon and stars. Held down by a wet sky the light reflected and intensified yellow where ever it appeared; it glowed and made fleurocent the least light of objects, stone building faces.

- We have been fed with fiction, and hit over the head with reality.

- "If all mornings were as beautiful as this, we would not have to have the nights in which to forget the days."

- The radiator sounded like a whistling bird.

- Have a character think of something he wished he had said in conversation. Example: I argued with 'admus that one should use his ill temper on casual friends and not on intimate loved ones for one should be more kind and careful with these he loves. Cadmus says our bond with them is strong enough to bare the weight of ill temper, whereas friendships that are casual should be treated carefully, as they will not stand the blows of irritability. The next morning I wished that I had thought to say that that was saving small things by laying blows on large things which the blows strike with equal damage and eventually will destroy also, - that it is an illusionary gain and that it is his possessiveness ( and he is possessive in an interesting way) that makes him want to保留 these friendships. Now, thinking it over at this writing I am not sure that I was not wrong, maybe one of the things that I am just learning is that it must be beyond them. ( Later: Again, today, I am not sure I was not right, for me anyway?)

- As I happened to remark last night,- I am not as vain when I am frisky as when I am weary.

- Mrs. W. was ill on the street car, vomited, taken really quite sick. Combined with what happened to Orrie (and to me when we lived on 121 Street) this will make a good sequence.

- For Blackie: The morning after having indulged too much in talking, in affection, in actions,- having under the aid of alcohol or not, given too much of what he contains in himself, he feels guity as though he had given away something which was his to keep, or, perhaps, that he had given away something which was not his to give away, something which was someone else's that he had borrowed and that he would have to return.

(7)

- Mrs. W. shrouded in romance all the details of the lives of her acquaintances which she did not contact directly but heard about. These details retained for her exquisit, vulgar beauty, long after they had lost all charm for the people involved.

- Mrs. W. says: God must have been such a wise old man, - she elongated the words wise and old, spread her hands out circularly before her and advanced her head forward like a bird poised for flight. Just that he gives you life, and then takes it away, should be enough. But still, still there are athesists. I think they must just be trying to fool themselves,- she gesticulated and intoned like an old testement prophetess advancing across the plains of Abraham.

- Mrs. W. says: I'm sorry your muffin got crushed, dear, but I had my etc. etc. and my astrology book under this arm.

- Mrs. W. condems people for doing exactly what she does.
Mr. M. condems people for doing what he wants to do and would if he could- i.e. envy. He is of the type who condem all people for having what they themselves are deprived of.

- Slowness: beauty - Quickness: ugliness.

- Americans don't believe middle class women can wommit sin.

- Snow falling showy like the soft long end of a symphony.

- The tissue paper rustling of symphony orchestras.

- always richer richer, broader, deeper - we must be bathed in the blood of the innocent dying about us.

- Poets who divide their time- half to exploiting self pity, half to exhalting themselves.

- It seems to me a majority of evil comes from being "all things to all men." From where?- look up in Bible. (Did not find.)

- If men are to rule, it should be without exception. It is rule with exception, men directing large courses and being carruled in small ways, from which frustration and unhappiness come.

(8)

- When Frank used to call Stanley "Plebby" (from plebian) it showed me that he, not Stanley, was a snob. He had, seriously, the assumed suavity of a ham actors interpretation of a latin ladykiller.

- I have always been curious to know the things which people instinctively conceal and which only some pressure from within or without will make them show. (Make more of this- it is important.)

- a life that is rich in something, even if it is rich only in poorness.

- "ave at least one good (and obvious) deftnessy so that people can
pity you. (i.e. to make them like you.)

- Only people who have no talent, or almost none at all, appreciate it
enough to produce. Those who abound in talent have no respect for
its worth and really no need to produce. (C. says El Greco had lots
of talent- I wouldn't know?)

- I want to build a shell of reality and into it pour a soul.

- I am consumed by too many fires. L. was consumed by too many
fires. J. by none. That is why J, could write expertly and L. could
not. I start one story, another burns me, and when I change to it
still another. So piecemeal.

- M. has a barber shop intelligen ce. "It starts with a set conclusion
and finds reasons and facts to confirm it, instead of starting facts
and reaching a conclusion.

- Sometimes it is best to lose what you want. (Sometimes it is best
to lose what you want and have had, but not to lose what you want and
have not yet had.)

3/23/42 She seemed to be absorbing so much anger, so much torture, so much
pain - doing nothing, not even crying, just absorbing it. I want to
go to her and shake her slap her, make her cry. (cry out and fight
against the world.)

3/31/42 the type of young man who makes a living by selling other
young men's electric razors.

4/1/42 - When I lose something I have had I no longer want it.
This is not true if I lose something I want but have never had.

(90)

4/3 - their hips so firm, their knees so far apart, their feet grown together. ( saanailors!)

- J. and P. never see you but they say at least one compliment. Rule? They use it in notes and letters too.

Never before had I realized the beauty in fruit, in pears which resemble the human body but resemble no particular part of it, in oranges which are so round and bright that they radiate perfection and gaiety, and in apples - to hold in my hand their firm resistance and shut my eyes and remember the flecks of red and green and yellow spilling out from their stem over and down to the wound at their bottom, so that I suddenly feel their movement and energy, and then to lift them to my mouth and eat them, taking all their glory into my own being so that I must glow and shine like them also. - Fruits are like sea shells, small as finger joints, that I have learned to hold in my hand and look upon with joy and glory.

- moving - progressing - gets you somewhere in space, surfeve remaining - staying still - gets you somewhere in depth, comprehension

4/13 the sky, dark overhead, light on the horizon. the buildings in shadow, the columns of smoke catching the sun.

- We are in the unfortunate position of caring nothing about civilization but caring about people, and finding that civilization has placed itself in our possession and left us alone with it. (F. wants to take her favorite people to a desert island, - I. wants to give up work and attainment for someone who will completely share his life with him, even though unharmoniously - he has tried the other time and again, no good. Later: This is what the bible means, unless it die it shall bring forth no fruit, and I had never understood before.) (i.e. unless we attempt being self sufficient and fail)

- P. is afraid. He says that he has what he wants most in life. He says he has always wanted to fall in love with someone with admirable qualities - "Why can't I be in love with someone like that." (How he feels about me, I suppose.) But it is no use, for it is not good qualities that newly attract. He is stabler, safer, than L. - but I feel that he is a little like the people on the kiddy-carts in the adult play area saying: this is it! the reward of life! - but involuntarily remembering something more once hoped for, and so declaring all the louder, this is it! (They feel sorry for me now - I believe that it is that, rather than that they feel able to enjoy me more - but soon they will see that I got the best of it, then Philip)

4/20

(10)

4/20 Someday I want to go to the beach and sort the sand into separate containers for all the different colors. The green was **hawkrifik** wonderful,- like the green under the thin flesh of oysters.
(Must not be so wonderful, use: seacolored and translucent)

- Comparison: P. says - Why can't I fall in love with someone like that. L. says - Why can't I go to bed with someone like that.

- When Fidelma, so modest and lovely, says she is vain, and when P. says I am beautiful, why don't I just smile and not object? (Of course F. is vain, in the way that I am too, but there is a better word than vanity)

- Isherwood is proud of weakness. (From his writings, no, him, I say this) Later: This is wrong, I. forgives his weaknesses, which is another thing.

- My writing is directed by the love of enigma, of comparisons, oppositions and pposites,- seeking the common meeting ground.

4/21 P., more than anyone I know, likes to play safe from offending people he is fond of, even in subtle far-fetched ways. One nice thing about me is that I have one obvious reason for compliment - easy to be charming to me. (In fact there is little more most people can talk to me about.)

4/23 Audiences love endurance.

"aw Pillar of Fire" and it was the most dramatic performance I have ever seen in the theatre - far surpassing the spoken drama, *inadvertent*. The drama of action as presented there, making the most of movement, color, sound, is the continuous flowing action I want to get into narration - story in colloquial tempo without conversation. And *Pillar of Fire* is a story of mental conflict, too.

Color, color, color - movement and color. I want to be a writer who puts the maximum of movement and color into writing.

George and I get along so awkwardly because neither of us is capable of talking about anything really outside of himself.

- I have a mild tendency to self destruction; not enough to harm myself but enough to always put myself into positions for others to harm me: Here I am, shoot! People are constantly saving me from destruction by not destroying me. People are constantly saving me from disgrace by their discretion.

(11)

- Wescott was telling me of his recurrent dream, by of its abolition
by what may have been the memory of a real event but what also may
have been a fiction created to suit the need, - a hopeful idea for
a writer that fiction is able to cure.

- 4/25 Butch and tender.

- I am lonely and merry tunes haunt me,
Horseay keep your tail up, your tail up, your tail up,..

4/26 She had noticed in men a fear of sunrise, a tendency to leave
in the middle of the night, a reluctance to face the morning.

- Lying awake at night, listening to the snoring of another (somewhere
else in the house) wishing to go and turn them off their backs.

- the sharp scent of shaving lotion left by her lover, (esp. on the
pillow.)

- 'people in the theatre look to the past, key themselves to the
past, believe in the past.

- In high-tentioned lives there is no need for violence such as there
is in drab middle classed ones. (Found this in an old note of mine.)

4/30 how the odors of other people cling to me- like the odor of a
greenish cheese. (aromatic)

5/1 Mary Ann (Marionette her name is) is a typical, dull, coarse and
uninteresting girl who makes men by her 'sympathy and understanding',
a sly girl using the mask of "esbianism as a passkey.

5/2 People, like Gilbert for one, (the down and out actor reminded
me of this) who have had life bitter and twisting always in general
circumstances, take it out in broad generalities, vaguely and unspecifically
antagonistic, - but people like me who have been crushed only by
isolated incidents and certain specific people, pin down to individual,
exact figures in their work. (retribution)

- For most people life is such pain that they have shut out all
sensation as much as possible and feel only the dull pain of the
work for subsistence; they sit, shut from feeling, staring into space.

Thoreau - "Modest man leads life of quiet desperation."

(12)

- my whole soul has gone from my body, down, out my fingertips and groins and toes.

- the thunder rumbles low and musical and the sky darkens like the lights of a theatre.

- standing in a schoolroom singing My Country is of Thee... as the light turned black and the rain fell endlessly outside. The far away rumble and the slow flashes of light and the writhing trees, grey and silver over the gravel yards, - the houses wood with tarpaper roofs, wood, wood glowing in the black in the rain, making us watch (the flowers limp and tender, beaten to pulp) drawing our attention out of the building, the dark, dark, dark soothing out fear, making us feel calm, - in distance the tree leaves on the horizon under the damp comfort of the dark sky.

to think
- 5/6 trying how to describe it.'s delicacy, gentleness, almost kittenishness, I decided - he is a strong man who has the air of having always handled gentle things.

- the scent of the leather of his shoes sent her trembling with the most passionate desire and memory of the scent of his body.

5/8 The faint odor of perfume always came from his ties.

5/11 Skin like rain, spring or well water - clean and sharp.
"What you mean, dearie, is that he had been chewing Spearmint gum."

- Fiction is meant to reveal and cure.

- 5/12 true love may not run smoothie nor does it run ridiculous.
you don't know what love is, my little one.
you play at being in love, always trying to please or hurt
someone. those things come natural and if they ever come to
you it will be when you are not trying.
bruised lips do not make love
(Love - why do you always try to make me say love. I don't
know what it means.)
to take yourself serious does not make you serious.

- 5/14 to pursue the question of private morality - the question of morality as it arises between the people who are involved rather than between the participants and their public. this is the only morality. (The public can of course be a participant)

(13)

- romantic - "I ought to feel deeply."

classic - "Iought to feel deeply about arts."

D.H. Lawrence, by S'phen Potter

- you ask, but when someone gives you an answer you imitate it, mock and do not listen. the answers are too simple and unrevolutionary.

5/17 "Think always that everyone depends on thee, but do thou depend only on thyself." Arab proverb (Hagish, De Monfried.)

- to differentiate between:

what a man is and what he does

what a man could do and what he does

- too much leisure, at least too much rest, is not good for us, the sensitive. we bare it awkwardly, with less grace than we bare work and hardship. it brings out a courseness in our actions (in us) that we hate more than other people do.

5/18 the powdery odor of lilacs (I think, maybe wisteria.)

- De Monfried seems to say that it is common ignorance, not common knowledge, that draws together people and makes them content together, with each other.

- People who believe emphatically in telling the truth must think well of themselves for they think their value as they are is good enough.

- I have long thought that a compliment on appearance was essentially no compliment - now I believe that it is an insult, inferring that one is (by ignorance or vanity) unworthy of having a better subject spoken of to him. (what a nice suit etc - Why that's a new coat etc.)

- have felt this world has fed my nostrils and eyes and starved my sense of touch too long. (if we could only even think a bit.)

- Looking out of my window at the Y (as I sometimes do) I saw a grown man kneel down at the side of his bed, fold his hands, lower his head, and say his prayers. (What hope if we learn only symbols, gestures, never meanings?)

5/19 She loved people as a child. Now she loved people but was terrified of them. She either would not look them in the face or would embrace them and kiss them on the body.

(14)

- Ma repeats with complete confidence promises (dates) he says I made him which never were spoken of at all. It flusters me most when people lie to me (for fear I will show them as a liar) than when I lie to them. Ma acts out a relationship, I discover, and remembers events to support his role.

- Knowledge in common is an excuse to stay together, innocence in common is a reason. (The futility of Blackie's experience with women.)

- Young athlete - as he shifted weight from one foot to the other the ridge of his buttocks swung from side to side like a pendulum,

- he clapped his hands, leaned forward and shouted pep talk to encouragements to himself as he threw the ball.

5/22 - thought the word was resonant, looked it up and that was wrong. used resistant. asked someone and found that it should be resilient.

- never see him again - he thinks he is forgotten, disliked, unremembered. remember him silent, no words, rising up like the hills of the brown sand of a desert. could write - but it is not words. would like to lie in the brown sand hills of the desert again and touch them with some gesture that would show they were not forgotten but remembered and loved. (in some future I will probably attempt and fail)

- mother, out in the world alone, came to believe, not that the melodramatiw eviws which she had believed in as a girl did not exist, but that providence led her through them unharmed.

- a situation which might be used for a stopy: in central park at night when it rains, the assortment of people will gather under a bridge for shelter.

- In the park - a squirrel drinking from a puddle of rainwater between two cracks in the cement, - further down the walk, pigeons and more squirrels fearfully coming together at a boy and sitting two girls sitting on the walk with a sack of food. - truely a wet gey sky with fast moving wet clouds.

- temporary: unimportant
  permanent: important
  (this reoccurs, it is in some of my old notes)

- he stares at the telephone, trying to divine from it appearance what has rung while he was out of the room.

(15)

- how, through the years, we will not do something because someone who was disgusting to us had done it, and, after the desolation of dislike has passed, we feel degraded when we do it.

- I believe invigorating in the future- not that anything in the present will necessarily continue to exist, but that it will come.

- "How are you this evening?"

"I'm fine," I'm fine. I have a headache, my eyes hurt, I'm in love with someone I can't see, I'm broke, and I'm hungry, but, sure, I'm fine.

- If I continue being honest as I am, how can I be anything but dull writer? I only hope truth is more interesting, so complete fabrication sounds duller than every day reality from me.

- Saw **Daybreak**. Moved me to hate all things which we do for ourselves. I interpret the young girl as not loving the man at all. It is a picture worth seeing many times. Suggested a theme to me, separate from its own: never fall in love with youth and beauty. It is excellent satire on police.

- If I think of my life as dull, it is because suspense always bores me. However dull it is on the surface, it certainly is not dull in prospect and entity.

- the unpleasant, unbeautiful, ungraceful and coarse manner of nordic and anglo-saxon effeminate young (not necessarily) men leading dogs along the street, hopelessly attempting to imitate the manner of animally unaware and sensual latin female prostitutes.

- Gide speaks of Dostoevsky's "need of reconciling extremes." (p.41)

I mistake as ends, as complete in themselves, actions which are only beginnings. In this way a great many complications and possibilities come into our lives. (see 5/28 below)

- having been told that I am decorative, synonymous in my mind with useless, I cannot even sleep long hours because I am so determined to create myself some usefulness.

- 5/28 two days after writing the seventh note above, I read this: "... suddenly we realize that our actions, the happenings we have brought about, once separated from us and launched out into the world, like a skiff on the sea, continue a separate existence often unknown to us." (p.131 Gide's Dosteevsky)

(16)

- once they have the maximum of all that they have hoped for, then they live in constant terror and misery that some trifle, some thoughtless motion they make, will sweep it all away from them, - and they live haunted by fear and caution.

— " he often insinuates that the anthesis of love is less hate than the steady activity of the mind." etc (p. 146 Gide's Dostoevsky.)

5/29 - In the park how they seem to be sitting, waiting, defiant - seeking: waiting for something to start, - seeking, all with nothing to do, - but with a willingness, a desire.

- a strange feeling in the daytime of dark, waiting for objects to be illuminated (desire), strange music floats from somewhere, slow and caressing, steady voice distributing a ball game from somewhere else. waiting, the still of waiting, for though there are noises, there seems to be a quiet with noises in it. hollow inside, nausiated, hands trembling, they must not be held in spasm (desire: how I could hold to someone, hold it) tears that stay in my eyes involuntarily and teeth clinched. I could gasp and sob, clench the empty bed and hold to the mattress, but my hands relax, my tenseness goes, I lie relaxed, waiting but calm.

(this trembling, this trembling has lasted too long. I am not made for this) waiting, waiting, in the park there is desire to be stalked like a leopard. I need, endlessly in the grey, wet still. My movements about the small room are slow in the universe of four walls.

- something indolent and angry has taken out their hearts and left them only fit for passion.

- and once she thought: why does the heart and mind enter. I would be happy left alone with the eye.

- I have been suddenly terrified that there is an innocence (not of the body) that I corrupt.

- "If we seek far enough, we shall invariably find the genesis of every serious moral reform in some physiological enigma, some non-satisfaction of the flesh, irritation, or anomaly." (p. 179 Gide's Dostoevsky)

- C. has made a compromise with an ideal.

- 5/31 - unswung hero: butch's

(17)

- S.'s mind is completely conventional and completely bound by convention. That she may know some unconventional facts makes no difference, for these facts as she knows them are conventional unconventionalities.

- I believe that the raisons' ete of this (my) novel is that the individual shall be crushed but not regimented, - and that to be strong is no salvation but a damnation (in that it delays the crush) (my minuscule point really)

- F., the little boy with plenty of everything, who, having never known futile need and indecision, has discovered caprice.

- big hands, no forehead, because I think they are signs of the unmental man; but it seems that all the little people I have known have been cruel, and all the big people largely gentle. (Rostoevsky almost made of them a virtue)

- having been passionately attached to someone and lived within him, I lack a certain delicacy and weakness that even the coarsest possess otherwise. passion certainly is the difference, I know what T. means when he says passion is purity. I am behind him, for I have been able to achieve in only one relationship what he has been able to carry over into many. (he had also taught me that we learn a great deal about ourselves in writing.)

6/4 - life itself when moving rapidly is less pleasant and beautiful than when moving slowly.

- the easiest and most certain way of being a bore is to object or agree according to whether you feel it is time to object or agree, regardless of opinion, and to try to do enough of each to be interesting, but not enough of either to be hostile or echoing (i.e. to have nothing to say)

- his whining and crying growing more rapid until in an exstacy of misery he scratches and muzzles against the door, sniffy and squeeks, sighs, moans and grunts like a man KREE burried alive in a wooden box struggling frantically and hopelessly.

- 6/5 - earthworms on the pavement after rain, or on the earth, hard now, crawling, twisting and squirming in efforts to pierce the earth and go back into its shelter, which even while the sun is burning down on them fiercely, drying out the juice of their life, cooking them, driving them insane while the dry grains of dirt cling to their blistered skin,

(VI)

(18)

6/7 - Forster's essay on anonymity to all schoolteachers.

- the sweet odor of uncut hedge in blossom - the bathpowder odor of linden.

6/8 - I am giving as much of my life to Blackie as I am taking from him.

- to please oneself in physical life is absurd and pointless, -
mental and spiritual life may be lived inside and completely in oneself,
but physical life is contact and can be fulfilled only in contact
with others.

- what would be the effect of having all the metaphors in a story
refer to some internal resemblance, i.e. always to some other object
or attitude actually in the story?

- not to reproduce life but to produce a pattern from life. (though we know how to succeed, success is attained only in so far as we are able to transpose our ideas into actions.)

- A. I feel like I could sleep ten years.
B. O.K. I'll pay the rent.
C. What year is she up to now?

- as a moralist one cannot be uninterested in anything; one can only be interested, and then approve or disapprove.

6/13 - I think that we do not ask nearly enough of life.

- those who have loved the body have not been fooled by its impermanence.
they have known one hand in space was not enough, that all one could do
was clutch whatever came near to him till his fingers were broken - but
the continual image of their own hand taught them that its importance
in life is permanent, and they have each compensated in his own way for
his disappearance from the world.

19

- Yesterday I saw earthworms mating. It had rained in the afternoon and they lay with their two connected pairs of organs swollen with milky fluid, pulsing, and then one of them tried to draw away. It disconnected them at one juncture and tried to draw back into its hole in the earth. It went as far as it could go, pulling its body together in thick close segments and drawing the others body stretched out tense and thin. It squirmed and twisted and pulled the other worm even down into his hole in the ground so that the remaining worms swollen part was invisible and only the thin slowly twisting length of his body was visible.

- To find a middle ground between formality and intimacy. I have never known it.

- It is easy to work rapidly if you have only a story to tell or a scene to depict. If you have an idea to symbolise you must translate it into events or objects and then the task is slower and more difficult. The result if you are successful, however, will appear to the casual audience as if the work which merely imitates reality. The comparison is of a live body to a statue.)

- A novel should have only one point or its points should be very closely connected. ( Or innumerable points, all of equal value.) A novel should not have two points; there should be two novels.

- 6/22 - I know how to portray character and set the scene, arrange words and create a mood - but I do not know how to write a story.

- I do not know how people can live taking nourishment into their minds and emotions as they take food into their bodies without transmitting in some form, as the energy from well-fed bodies is transmitted, action.

- typewriter: communication, longhand: expression

- I have seen another earthworm, dead and black, in the garden. His ruddy color is gone, he is relaxed and swarming with frantic ants who are beginning to take him away bit by bit, working hungrily to uncover the red flesh.

- what good is fullfilment where there has been no desire?

- I have the kingdom without the glory
the knowledge without the power
the gathering without the penetration

- what a cheap pleasure a journal is - ten cents worth last a month.

-the moon shone and the clouds made the night sky white.

- I do not see, hear, smell or touch creatures to perceive their presence, but I sense their life, so I am a write rather than a painter etc.

- let me have the reputation of immorality if not immorality - goodness if you must, but not innocence.

- a continual struggle to improve both the value of what is said and the technique of saying it, without subordinating either for the other. When I am please with one the other seems horrible.

20

- 6/30 - contentment is difficult for me to portray in an interesting or dramatic form, for contentment for me is not spectacular and when it becomes disturbing, exciting or extraordinary it is no longer contentment. (See Blackie - Note 26)

- to love a thing is always to be in danger of hurting it, for love is so strong an emotion that we become more aware of our feelings than of the object of them.

- which is more civilized: a nation (or man) that bathes seldom and uses much perfume, or one that bathes often and uses none?

- though "love" appears twice a page in my original writings, in rewriting it is eliminated from all but direct quotation.

- 7/6 - it is good to meditate on the possibility that all things have been said and to concentrate on the perfection of saying them.

- realization of self: expression
realization of others: communication
usually in that order, simultaneous in me?

- half witted scrub woman in a lunchwagon:
  'hurry up and wait on me, I'm going to a concert.
  'a free concert in the park. if it cost anything you wouldn't be going
  'it cost 55¢'
  'and you're going to spend 55¢ all at once?'

- 7/7 - I do not live comfortably in a life that takes only part of me. No matter how perfect and comfortable it is in part, I cannot stand to be slowly burned like a candle. Not even if I am burned at both ends. I must be dropped wholly into the fire, completely consumed.

- 7/8 - once you have broken away from regimentation and live your own life you must be constantly alert and use your strength and energy to prevent regimentation anew.

- I am constantly amazed at my own perceptions and display them in pronouncements. I am not content to use them subtly where I am afraid they will be missed, as I might miss them in others' work. I have risen (a bloating thought till I remember how low I started, how little I have risen), I destroy the value by writing down.

- what of jealousy: have I any?

- 7/10 - the greatest difficulty for a (successful) writer (artist) is to avoid imitating himself.

- temperate lives, moving toward passion.

- If it were not for writing, I am sure I would not retain my health of mind, my degree of sanity. Notebook, 'for medicinal purposes only'. (How much beauty can we take into our selves without going berserk?)

- cruelty is the result of thinking of people not as individuals but as symbols or abstractions, symbols of unfamiliar or disliked traits (which means any trait). a story of a boy who cannot bear his cruelty when he later sees the object of it engaged in commonplace everyday activities.

- I see a boy, big, athletic and dull, who was at Governors Island with me, standing around the playground. "He was accepted - this is how he spends his allocated time.

- "He's a good date for weekends, but not for Saturday"

- 7/11 - when life is all drudgery women (men too) dream of being bitches. the thirties were drudgery: G.W.T.W., Jesabell, B. Davis, etc.

- The satirist necessarily loves what he satires. The satirist of man is necessarily a lover of man. If he does not love man and is not deeply conscious of his magnificent possibilities he cannot realise the ludicrous distortion of his reality.

- I have been with young men and known them. I have been with young women and never known what was in their minds and hearts.

- a fat assed angel in dungarees.

- 7/12 - life and action guided by mood rather than thought (reason) (in Blackie, also)

- regarding jealousy, the only person of whom I was ever jealous was B. himself, his own selfishness, his own disregards and insensibilities that separated him from me.

- when you are alone the complete stillness that sometimes settles over the noisy world is terrify.

- I never had much respect for money or conventionality. I was never as happy when I had money as I was when I was without it. I am afraid this is going to pect my respect more.

- 7/18 - whether coincidence or copying I find in K.A. P. incidents which Dostoievsky also incidents which are in Gide's Croydon (quoted there from some naturalists)

- It was a sultry day, full of cats with their tails lifted and people sitting on the sidewalk feeling of their back teeth.

- 7/19 - does a person of evil always seek those who can teach him nothing, always those who can be taught and led?

- one experience can be explored and comprehended deeply enough to illuminate all life. penetration, not action, informs us. abeyance is often more difficult and more valuable than action. a man can do everything and understand nothing. overproduction, action, speed, movement, abeyance, penetration, thought, understanding

- 7/20 - I have come to the (dangerous) conclusion that the only things

in life which are worth having are those that are given and cannot be taken or found. (or bought) This does not mean that no effort is necessary to receive and appreciate them. All life must be a constant building up of worthiness and sensibility, or you cannot even know when they are given, much less enjoy them.

- Quotation for St. Angelica

"Oh the world owes me a living - needle, diidle, doodle, needle, duml"

- 7/24 - Mother wants me to be interested only in that in which she wants me to be interested, which is far less even that that in which she is interested.

- someone said that art is all that is not nature. nature is universal diversity. art struggles for unity, order, to bring cosmos from chaos.

- I want to say what I mean ( in fiction) in a manner to convey it to those who were unaware of it beforehand. I am painfully aware of only suggesting and only conveying to those who have already divined what I mean. This makes me clumsy, hard, and overearnest.

- in war time words are used to spread propaganda in such obvious lying and so universally disguise vice as virtue, that we become disgusted with our very language, the words and sentences themselves, and seek new forms of new combinations, as yet undegraded.

- Listening to a Beethoven symphony does not necessarily make you better. Reading novels, hearing music, seeing designs, stacking books, records and paintings about you will not help. Evil through ignorance is a matter of basic miscomception. Tres trunques, not twigs, will help you. They come from within.

- 7/28 - in criticism you must record the truth; it exists. In creation you must make the truth; it does not exist beforehand.

- technique is always an escape from life. Therefore it is art. (art being all things which are not nature) not subject matter but technique makes art. subject matter, however, is the only means of contact with the audience, and has an importance. which is paramount, technique or subject matter, i.e. life or art?

- the main weakness of my novel is that I am not certain of my attitude, my point of view.

- how much easier I think things than do them. anyone with this amount of notes should make wonderful stories.

- people go to bars for it is better to be exposed and unharmed than never to have been exposed at all.

- having been taught as a child to regard sex as evil, when the inevitable urge arises we seek evil instead of the natural good.

- people today seek, not new vices as they did in Heliogabalus' day, but new frustrations.

23

- abstract thinking is never abstracted from reality for me. I think
like this because when I cannot express particulars well I realise the
necessity of perfecting from the basic to the particular, a matter of
technique. On the other hand, when I succeed in expressing particulars,
I am uneasy till I comprehend their relationship to other particulars
by discovering their essential, basic nature.

- music takes me back to reminiscence of what has been: literature
takes me forward into what the future might be.

- all day long the rain sifts down, the branches of the trees wave in the
wind.

- 8/1 - phrases of music, persistent and intermittent, say that all things
flow, happen over again, and that the future will not be basically different
from the past. always the last note is the first note beginning again.
the drop that seems to be the finish swings up and recommences, interminable,
inevitable...

- all truthful writes write of the same things, only the bodies of their
stories are different, the souls are the same.

- richness and simplicity: which way? richness to simplicity - simplicity
to richness? (P says I have made the mistake of thinking all simple things
good, perhaps I have) intensity is the only solution I find to achieve
richness without losing simpleness.

- after the contest between strength and weakness, the clash between real
and ideal.

- when I say goodbye, I will see you sometimes, then I feel that definite
meeting is impossible ( with E.)

- my early aversion of making appointments was the result, subconsciously,
of knowing that what I wanted to do was never condoned, never planned for.

- correcting Queen Victoria " We are not ammusing"

- people are please to attribute to those who are better than themselves
traits which they consider worse than their own. (The age of speed attributes
slow growth to the art it admires)

- two Jewish girls dancing together to attract the attention of sailors,
revolving around and around like the figures on a swiss clock.

- I believe in the fable and the circle.

- 8/12 - the fault was emptiness. some ate, others gathered and stacked
the culture of the world about themselves. the smell embrace the large
the afraid hold to the daring, the lonely caress, the joyful, the precarious
hug the sure, the frail the strong and the young the old, but awe and
respect are deadly drugs which can both murder and inspire. the emptiness
of a comfortable life creates intollerable pain, makes my uncles drunkards,
J. a detestable S and an avicious woman. Emptiness to violence. The sugar
coating with which they disguise the pill is the perpetuation of the evil
and therefore I do not approve of sugar, sugar piled on the arsenic sweet.
I do not approve of the month of vacation compensating the months of work,

dilettante

24

(we have labored, now we'll squander) it is the slight release of pressure which perpetuates the imprisonment. the food of life should be good enough, this sugar in your ill-fed stomach will only bring a bad taste to your mouth, creating a need for more sugar, finally an addiction. a beggar and his beggar daughter eating a box of sweet crackers as they walk along the street. the bums in vacant lots, the garbage intemament halls, perfumed with the sugar and儲یر odor of a great baking plant.

- to gain confidence I am always trying to amaze myself in my writings, to be personally please and surprised. to cease this but to always write on a plain just higher than that on which I am at ease

- sultry, unusual for the high climate - a day of women shifting in their chairs and mummering, I haven't an ounce of energy.

- today everything is soft, acceptable and right. reading, writing, cooking, eating, the very rooms seem to soothe and encourage me, to accept me, yet some days they goad me, they are sharp and repel me and repulse me, frustrate me and fill me with scorn and inability to work at anything I want to do.

- we must be born at least twice, possibly over and over again. we must close our eyes to reality and then open them again. we must be unconventional and then return to tradition. we must scorn all knowledge and then (seeing all knowledge stands in relation to the one fact we do know) learn what we can.

- the sky was so wet it was limp. (misted all the time it wasn't raining.)

- Life is the reception of all things seen and unseen which we wish to accept and the rejection of all things seen and unseen which we wish to avoid. (Of all the notes I have ever made this strikes me, at the time of typing, as the most confused and least true.)

- In this light, after the rain, the trees seem to have a diamond cupped in each separate leaf.

-my position is that of a corpse dug us from the grave criticising the dead.

- I think that my writing is bad, and put it away. When, after a time, I look at it again and think that it is good, I realise that its goodness is on a different plane from that on which I was striving,

- I like for it to turn dark and wet in the daytime. I turn on the light, I watch birds swerving before buildings before rain, watch the yellow in signs and toxicabs and in plants, yellow which the sun has obliterated, glow in the blue air.

- Is the lesson of psychoanalysis that knowledge kills evil?

- I shook hands with her. Later, I lifted my hand to my face and smelled the fragrance left there by her scent -, was it lilacs, violets, roses?

- I see the nipples of breasts staring at me.

- all the whores of christiandom

- "he tells it, all without a trace of heat," says a book cover blurb. but I want to tell it with as much heat as possible, fire, passion, sensuality and dramatics. Without heat.

25

- when we are thinking "nothing" the objects we see penetrate our brains, become our thoughts and are sometimes imbued with the emotions lying under the surfaces of our minds and connected seemingly unrerelated scenes of our everyday life.

- "Americans, I am afraid, are better trained to do good than to understand evil." Golo Mann - Decision Vol. II No. 3 Sept. 1941

- again I am sure these are not abstractions: form, structure, light, color, actually in prose.

- the face of our generation (time) is in such a book as Isherwood's Mr. Morris where political ideals play their proper role. Ours is the age in which the body and the soul are divided by the brain. We follow neither desire or faith, but thought, confusion. Our bodies and souls are strangled in the tangled cords of reason spun out by our minds, hung in loopholes, prejudices.

- how we hate to wait, yet how important is waiting. it is emptiness that makes fullness apparent. planes that distinguish mountains.

- After night, the city is cleaner than after rain, bare and quiet in the weak dawn. We must face the birth of life again and again, endlessly, as we face morning after night. What we feared most or desired most, eternity, is with us already in this succession of day and nightly night and day.

- in writing, facts given bluntly suggest more that facts which are elaborately colored, designed, the blunted the fact the more powerful its symbolism.

- a document (as notes for Journey) may stand in full value and yet not be a work of art. Art must have beauty of technique, execution, regardless of subject matter.

- our trouble is not in seeking pleasure but in seeking *new* pleasure, mystery, in going down dark alleyways to the unknown.

- am I cynical, hard? Tenn said to me: You are the most cynical boy I have ever known. Gilbert: You are such a child yet so mature that you recognise the phony a mile off. You have absolutely no sentiment. Paul: You are aloof and stoical. You actually sit down and think things out.

- 8/31/42 - In a single copy of Dostoievsky I find these spellings

Fyodor Dostoevsky (cover)

Fedor Dostoeffsky (title page)

Theodor Dostoievsky (introduction)

- two little girls walking along pushing a baby carriage passed a boy and one little girl kicked him. she turned to the other little girl and explained: We're cousins.

- government for the people, sadly, *cannot* be *by* the people. it is so easy to attain, so hard to know *what* to attain.

- divide people into those who are chiefly concerned with themselves and those chiefly concerned with others.
- also those who belong, are naturally inside, included and those who do not belong, are naturally outside, excluded. ( actually, we pass from stage to stage)

26

- 9/13 - the idea has possessed me for some time that artists do not see differently but see more, in quantity, see and are sensitive to extensive actualities which the average man is unaware of as completely as though they did not exist.

- integrity - note to James.

- riding in the train at night, looking out the window, realized this figure: reflected in the glass are both directions at o'clock, without being two-faced I see into the distance along way, the scattered dim farm houses, and also I see the reflection of the bright car behind me, a short but clear space.

- politeness should not be like a bandaged finger but like a bandaged toe, concealed and unseen except by those who see us undressed.

- extremes, the extraordinary and unusual, are useful in fiction only when their cause and development is given, without explanation they are useless. Like Tobacco Road. But with explanation they intensify and achieve a super reality.

- this idea remains with me, animates me, shapes my actions: no matter how sound and strong a structure you build, strength itself will collapse if it does not have a sound foundation, if it is built on sand. For this reason I want to travel, physically and mentally, through places and people, to seek a plot firm enough to erect what I can, even a shack, rather than construct a castle just where I happen to be - on ground that will probably crumble beneath me.

- if only we could remember - cosmetics for the ugly - medicine for the sick - religion for the faithless - government for the orderless.

- people do not object to evils and unpleasantnesses which can be concealed, which are not physical and visible, and while they reject prostitution of the body, which is difficult to conceal, they accept and even exult prostitution of the mind.

- those interested in the manner of saying those interested in the meaning of saying ed

- realism not as the photographic presentation but as the attempt to record of the truth. The faith in a story, The Photographies

- there is not art in recording facts, only in making something new out of the recorded facts.

- 9/24 - sometimes I am both calm and sad and know that much of what I hold will not last, yet know that it is of little importance and no matter, in the end if there is anything, any one point of value remaining, I am fortunate. Of St. A I thought, you span upon this earth is brief - and I know that to others my span is brief also. To this knowledge I am bound; it separates me from those who do not know it and binds me to those who do.

- P. speaks of my abstractness and power of abstract thought. (Defective eyesight, a cause or result?) I suppose he is right. I do write from the abstract to the concrete. But to me abstractions and particulars are the different manifestations of the same thing, each an illustration and corroboration of each other.

27

Made this note while at Fire Island : Divide people into those whose words convey a deeper sincerity than they feel, and those whose sincerity is deeper than their words convey.

- Glenway said he thought that I might have a tendency to seek perfection in small things, in parts rather than the whole, a tendency coming, he said, from the urge to do something of perfection now, the fear that in 10 days one might wake up without an idea in his head. The fact is, he said, that in ten days one is apt to wake up with a very good idea in his head, a better one than he has ever had before. This is an easy cure - but peraps he has mistaken the illness. I feel the necessity to obtain perfection now because in ten days I may wake up with a schedule of drudgery which will not allow me time to record even the very best ideas which I might have.

- I am a slut but you are a whores - and there is a lot of difference.

- 10/5 - the government says to the people " we give you your free choice to be either hanged or shot." and the people endlessly discuss their choice and endeavor to chose the best. they are so badly earnest that even their stupidity cannot make one cease to love them.

- the air of poor white trash remains ( I do not mean this as an insult for I admire the negro culture from which it is derived) C sitting in his elaborate apartment and sorting the scattered esoteric manuscripts which are strewn on the table before him has the exact air of a pauper in a newspaper walled room sorting garbage and junk on a upended box. Luxurious poverty - poverty either born or instilled into him.

- 10/18 - why are we sad when we see beauty? because we want to possess it. we know that we should not and cannot and that makes up sad. and we know that if we could possess it we would be a dadder still. (this is my preraphalite day)

- the problem is in being able to give, not to get, and the most valuable gift we have is the most difficult for which to find a recipient.

- 10/26 - Looking at the puma in the C.P. Zoo wondering if he would in time come to recognise me through his sleepy eyes, would the holly boys have come to recognise me in time.? A story of a lover who is recognised after years.

- deep blue clouds of sailors drifting over the dull streets of morning.

- my sadness and loneliness come from not having someone to do things for.

- decadent: technique subdues subject
primitive: subject subdues technique

- 10/28 - it is something like this: a man is kicked down and shot and as he lies dying he screams: "you cant do this to me, you cant kick me!" our hope is to convince him that it is the shot, not the kick, which he must object to and try to prevent.

- the poor (in experience or money) are lethargic in the face of meed for self-pity and knowledge of previous failure rend them incapable of making an effort, but the rich are full of confidence and half of the task of any effort for them is already fullfilled.