I've been a stay-at-home mom for nine years now—nine long years. The last paying job I had was with AAFES; I quit because we were due to come back to the States since Barry was discharged from the Army. I have been a stay-at-home mom from when I was seven months pregnant with the twins until now. During these last nine years I've been a wife (and all that entails), mommy, homemaker, housekeeper, nurse, doctor, hairdresser, lawn mower, garbage taker-outer, Christmas present wrapper—everything. I am now everything but the wife, and I feel lost, confused, bored... everything. Our plan was for me to get a job once the baby started first grade, which is in three years. But honestly, I don't know that I can wait that long. I might have to, though, but I refuse to put the kid in daycare just to get a job. It's a conundrum. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm so bored. I don't think there has been one day since the family left that we haven't gone out and done something. Either we're running errands, going to the mall, going to the library, going to friends' houses, or going on field trips with my Meetup group. The thing is, this is my life; this has been my life for the last nine years, so why am I suddenly disenchanted with it? I feel like a contradiction. How can I be a stay-at-home mom if I don't have a husband? Well, I do have a husband, but he's been stuffed into a nice wooden box on my entertainment center, and a plastic bag filled with extras that I requested for us to go to Build-A-Bear. If that sounds callous, you should know I just have to joke sometimes; Barry called it gallows humor. I never understood it until he died. Anyway, I just don't see what my purpose is right now. I can still be a stay-at-home mom; I don't have to work if I don't want to, but I am bored and uninspired. I've thought about looking into some sort of schooling, but I don't want to do that till the baby is in school either. I can't take time away from the kids right now because they need me. I have tons of crafts to catch up on.

I was pondering a few things this morning, most of them beginning with the word "When?" When do I pack away his stuff? I do know there is no right or wrong answer to this question. I simply do it when I feel ready. I did have to clean out his truck two weeks ago, and the house was inundated with his belongings. Most of it I have incorporated into the house, like the food he left behind, and his can opener went in the kitchen. I've taken over his computers, but do I really need one PC (mine), his laptop, and his Eee PC? I have an extra BlackBerry Tour now, because we both got new phones in August. I also have his iPhone that he cancelled service for in August. I'll probably sell that one. The BlackBerry I'll keep because I have a bad history with phones, and this one will be a backup for me. But what about his clothes? His blankets we will keep, and the foamy eggshell bed thingies I have in the boy's room to put on the kids' beds as soon as I remember to do so. I sleep with his pillow between my knees each night, and the last T-shirt he wore is folded up under my pillow. When I packed up his truck, all the clean and dirty clothes were separated into different bags, but all stuffed into his big green Army duffel bag. They're still in there, sitting in a corner in my room. I haven't opened them in two weeks. I just don't want to deal with it.

All the stuff I had at the hospital for him is still in the bags: the last pair of shorts he wore, the book he was going to read, the chest hair I clipped off his chest after he died, the handful of crumpled-up tissues I had when I was crying and saying goodbye, the body wipes he had used to wipe his face off before he died. Little things like that I just have in the hospital bag. I looked at them this morning, but I haven't done that in a long time. I don't know what to do with them — do I keep them in the bag, or do I get rid of what I just want to keep? Do I really need to keep the tissues? What about all the electronics? His DVDs? I'll be calling XM soon and cancelling one subscription.

I feel good today! I hope the mood sticks because I've needed a positive day for a while. I went to the library's storytime today with my youngest and saw a friend from my kids' school. She helped coordinate meals and donations for us, so it was nice to talk with her.