So I caught up with a friend. I love her, she's smart. And after we grabbed our coffees, Shannon looked at me, and she said, "Michael, you're a good guy. I need your help. I need your advice." And my monster was delighted. She started telling me what was going on, and I started to pretend to listen. Because, quite frankly, my advice monster already knew. But I'm pretty good. You know, you tip your head. You look engaged, yet caring, yet concerned. Small, meaningless words of encouragement. Mhm. Yeah. Sure. Yeah, right. Oh, you go girlfriend. Exactly. But honestly, my advice monster's like, "Could we just hurry this up, please? Because time is short." Finally, Shannon finished. So finally, I was able. And make no mistake, it was brilliant. Shannon -- tipped her head on the side, looked engaged, yet caring, yet concerned, started nodding, made small, Yeah, maybe. OK. Yeah, nice idea. Honestly, my advice, my advice monster had sabotaged. Now this isn’t just a Michael thing. It's not even a mansplaining thing. You, all of you. Somebody starts telling you, you don't really know the situation. You don't really know the people involved. You certainly don't have the full context. You definitely don't have. And after about 10 seconds, "Oh, oh, I've got something to say here." You know, research tells us tend to interrupt their patients. But that's not really a medical thing. It's a human thing. Now I can see some of you and you're thinking to yourself, Other people's advice monsters, really, really pretty irritating. But my advice, my advice. And what's wrong with advice, anyway? Well, look, there is nothing. Advice is a key part of civilization. I mean, TED, TEDx. The problem isn't with advice. The problem is when giving advice. And we all have this ingrained. For most of us, it's become a habit. It's become an advice-giving habit. Or ... AGH for short. And it turns out, there are three ways. The first two are kind of connected. Here's the first challenge. You're busy solving the wrong problem. This happens all the time. We get seduced into thinking that the first challenge. It almost never is. It's people's best guess, it's their first hypothesis, it's a stab in the dark, but it's really rare is the real challenge. But let's just say, that somehow, miraculously, you are finding and working. Here's the second issue. Your advice is not nearly. And if you're thinking to yourself, My advice is magnificent. Well, I'd encourage you to go watch that will explain just how bad particularly if you think. But those first two are just you and resources and money. So, you know, no big deal. The third issue about giving advice and it cuts both ways. If you are on the receiving end of advice, if you're on the receiving end, you're constantly getting the message. And that cuts away at your sense, and your sense of autonomy. And if you're on the other side, if you have an advice monster, and if I can be clear, well, forget about the fact, and forget about the fact to everybody around you. Just that added responsibility and to save the person, it’s exhausting and it’s frustrating. Now I can see you looking at me. Point well made. We get this. Yeah, fair enough. And I know you do get it. It's straightforward. You get this. In theory. In practice, this is still how. That. So what's going on with that? Well, it's your advice monster. You keep feeding it, and it is insatiable. Somebody starts talking and your advice monster and goes, "Oh, oh, I'm going to add. Yes, I am! Here I go!" You have to learn to tame. And to tame it. And it turns out your advice monster. And you listen up, you'll hear the one. The first persona. Tell it. It's the loudest of the three. It has convinced you is to have the answers, to have all the answers to all the things. If you don't have all the answers, then you fail. Anybody kind of know this one? Yeah, I thought as much. The second advice monster. It’s called “Save it.” Save it has put its arm. "Your job, your only job. Don't let anybody stumble. Don't let anybody fail. If anybody struggles at all, you fail." Anybody know this one? Any parents in the room, for instance? Exactly. The third of the advice monsters, the sneakiest of the three. Control it has convinced you is to maintain control at all times. Don't let go the grip of anything. If anybody else takes over control, then you and they will definitely fail. Anybody know Control it? That's my favorite one personally. And in fact, there's something. And this is an important point. In that singular moment, you are saying that you are better. You are better than the other person. You're saying that they're not up to it. You're saying they're not good enough, wise enough, fast enough. You're basically saying. But it's not only the other person in this moment when your advice, you're diminished as well. Because when your advice, you lose that connection to your humanity. You lose that connection and your sense of vulnerability. You start using your answers. Now I was going to give you about the power of empathy. And then I thought to myself, Brené Brown. Oh, oh, the Dalai Lama. Oh, Jesus. OK, I think this ground. So ... Rather than that, on how you might go about. And what you're looking to do, the advice-giving habit, with a new habit. Can you stay curious a little bit longer? It's as simple and as difficult as that. Can you stay curious a little bit longer? How do you stay curious? Well, questions. They're the light that holds back. So let me share with you I wished I'd asked Shannon when we were in that cafe together. The first question is this: What's the real challenge here for you? What's the real challenge here for you? It's the focus question. It recognizes that at the start neither of you really know. You just both think you do. So not only does "What's the real challenge here for you?" keep your advice monster at bay, it repositions you to say, "The most important thing is to help you find. Not to provide the fast, wrong answer, which is what happens right now." The second question that I wish. "And what else?" "And what else?" So the acronym is A-W-E. It's literally an awesome question. And "and what else" has it as the insight that the first answer they give you and it's rarely their best answer. So when you ask "and what else," not only does it tame your advice monster, but it helps you go deeper and further. So before I give you the third question, let me just show you how these two. We're going to do something live. I want you to think of a real challenge. It can be big. It can be small. It can be about life. It can be about a project, a person. I don't mind what it is. Take your best guess. This is the real thing. You can write it down if you want. And now you've got that challenge in mind, I'm going to ask you a question. Here it is. Thinking of that challenge, what's the real challenge here for you? What's the real challenge here for you? Yeah, I can see people working. I can hear brains ticking over. This is great. Stuff's opening up for you. You're like, "OK, I think I've got." That's nice, but we're not done yet. Let me ask you another question. And what else? What else is a real. Because I know there's more. So what else? What else is a real. Just notice how that's popping up, which is lovely. But of course we're not done yet. I've got another question for you. What else? What else is a real. Because there's still more. Some of you are like, "This is amazing. I didn't know this was all here. Where is this all coming from?" I've got one final question for you. I'm going to step to the edge just to make it really dramatic. Now that you've considered all of that and you've done some thinking ... What's the real challenge here for you? Exactly, your head explodes. You're like, "Oh my God." And for some of you, you're like, "Wow, this is really in a minute or less. Just open up a new way of seeing this." But actually, here's. You will notice that your answer and your answer.