now i know why i wasn't that good at school and i think it wasn't because i was dumb or lazy it was because of the hell i've lived in all my life this house sucks and the worst is that it doesn't seem to to outside people since my parents are great actors just to give an example i've been to church until like a year ago despite i never liked catholiscism and in fact i feared it when i was a kid and why did i do that i did that because i didn't dare have a rational conversation with my parents and what happened when i did i was called a terrorist by my fucking father among other things i had to cry for days i was ignored made fun of and insulted what did my mother do she didn't force me to be a catholic like my father tryed to do but she didn't help me either she just seemed to agree with him while agreeing with me when he wasn't there just like an evil cat and she does just that all the time she complains about my father's obssesive controlling personality with me and my sister but when my father says all his bullshit to me she never says a thing but it's different with my sister because my mother supports her against my fathers crazy temperament my father treats me like i'm a year old drug addict living off his money he doesn't get that i'm studying a career and that like everyone here i dunno about other countrys he has to pay for it it's not like i'm not doing anything my 'god' whenever i'm happy what do they do i swear to my life that they fuck things up for me no matter what and whenever i'm sad that's most of the time arround them because i don't dare to even joke arround with them since they are offended by anything whenever i'm sad they come with theyr you need god in your life bullshit or theyr see we are right and u r wrong bullshit i'm sick of this i just wanna get a fucking job get out of this house and lead a normal life where i'm not issolated from my friends and can go out and have fun with them without being threatened with loosing the internet conection or being taken out of college and my sister according to my friends who kind of know my situation she's envious of me and that's why she treats me like shit and doesn't even respect my room like i do hers and can you believe i love them i do and that's why i think im looney because this isn't possible i forgive them every single time but if i want to hold on to my physical and mental health and have somwehat of a good future i have to develop a stiff upper lip and not give a shit about them anymore and i should even take regenge according to most of my friends but i don't even want to i just wanna be left alone anf try to forget all i've been through i just wish it was physical abusse so i could show my scars and make a point but this way anyone can think i'm crazy maybe this is the cause of all my existential doubts because i don't have anything to be sure of and feel confident about in my everyday life becase my family does the job of ruining everything for me i'm sorry for all the swear words but i had to express how i felt somewhere also i think i'll erase this because i don't think it's allowed at all on wikipedia it's just that there's so much rational people here that i think i can get some good advice and i've nowhere else to turn