Go

Deeper
What	Would	Happen	If?
This	short	writing	exercise	is	a	way	to	shift	your	focus	away	from	your
fear	to	the	positive	feelings	and	strong	sense	of	self	that	will	come	as	you
rely	less	on	escape	and	more	on	moving	forward	in	spite	of	your	anxiety
or	panic.
Write	two	stories	in	your	notebook:
1.

The	story	of	what	you	expect	would	happen	if	you	intentionally
exposed	yourself	to	something	you’ve	been	escaping.	Call	to
mind	your	worst-case	scenario—all	the	difficult	thoughts,
feelings,	or	behaviors	you	imagine	would	happen	if	you	stuck
with	something	that	instinctively	you	want	to	move	away	from.
Perhaps	you	believe	you	would	die,	have	to	leave	in	an
ambulance,	lose	your	mind,	throw	up,	humiliate	yourself	…
whatever	it	is,	write	it	down.	Be	as	specific	as	possible.
2

.

The	second	story	is	your	best-case	scenario	of	what	could	occur
if	you	didn’t	use	escape	to	manage	your	panic.	In	this	story,	you


effectively	cope	and	manage	whatever	thoughts,	feelings,	or
behaviors	arise.	Despite	your	discomfort	you	stay.	If	you	pushed
through	discomfort,	what	would	be	the	result?	How	would	you
feel	about	yourself	then?	Imagine	feeling	good,	strong,	capable,
even	proud.
Uncertainty

Intolerance
Remember	the	Magic	8-Ball	from	childhood?	Ask	the	ball	any	question	you
wish,	shake	it	up,	and	poof!	A	triangle	floating	in	water	delivers	an
unequivocal	answer.	If	the	Magic	8-Ball	really	worked,	we	probably	wouldn’t
have	anxiety	disorders;	because	it	would	always	tell	us	what	was	coming
next,	we’d	never	have	to	experience	uncertainty.
Research	shows	that	people	who	struggle	with	chronic	anxiety	and	worry
have	great	difficulty	dealing	with	uncertainty—that	is,	situations	with
unknown	outcomes.	Overthinking—about	past	events	or	possible	future
outcomes—is	a	way	to	bridge	the	uncertainty	gap.	When	we	don’t	know
what’s	going	to	happen,	our	brain	gets	busy	generating	a	bunch	of
hypothetical	outcomes	to	make	us	feel	like	we	know	more	than	we	do.	Take
the	person	going	to	the	doctor	for	their	yearly	blood	work.	Before	the	tests,
during	the	appointment,	and	up	until	they	receive	the	results,	they	imagine


and	replay	the	possible	negative	results.	They	even	consider	various	treatment
plans	for	potential	diagnoses	and	diseases.
The	problem	with	this	kind	of	worry	and	rumination	is	that	anxious	minds
aren’t	very	rational,	and	tend	to	generate	possible	worst-case	outcomes	that
aren’t	very	likely.	So,	while	worrying	about	bad	outcomes	may	feel	soothing
in	the	short	term,	it’s	actually	making	you	more	and	more	anxious	over	time.
This	happens	because	when	we	can’t	tolerate	uncertainty,	we	take	on	more
responsibility	than	is	reasonable
for

a	given	situation.	A	kind	of	superstitious
thinking	creeps	in,	telling	us	that	the	“work”	of	worry	is	somehow	keeping	us
safe	from	the	hypothetical	bad	things	happening.	Whether	we	think	about	the
blood	work	results	every	hour	of	every	day	or	not,	the	results	will	be	what
they	are.	Curiously,	when	the	results	come	back	indicating	all	is	normal,	there
is	a	self-defeating	and	irrational	tendency	to	believe	that	all	the	worrying
made	the	difference.	And	then	the	next	time	uncertainty	creeps	in,	we	will	be
encouraged	to	worry	again	to	bridge	our	knowledge	gap.
It’s	as	if	we	are	saying,	“If	I	don’t	worry	about	this,	then	it’s	my	fault


when	the	bad	stuff	happens.”	Despite	the	weight	of	this	pressure,	we
persevere	in	our	worrying,	thinking	it	will	get	us	somewhere	when	in	reality
it’s	only	increasing	our	anxious	state	of	mind.	So	we	check	our	email	again


and	again	to	ensure	we	haven’t	missed	anything.	We	triple-check	that	the
stove	burners	are	off,	or	that	the	doors	are	locked	every	time	we	leave	the
house.	We	seek	reassurance,	asking	ourselves	and	the	people	around	us,	“Are
you	sure	you	still	love	me?”	“Have	I	done	everything	I	can?”	“Will	my	child
be	safe?”	“Do	they	think	poorly	of	me?”	“Will	I	ever	find	a	partner?”	“Am	I
healthy?”	“Am	I	normal?”	“Is	everything	okay??”
Living	that	way	is	exhausting,	and	over	time	it	diminishes	quality	of	life.
The	idea	that	we	have	to	worry	or	remain	hypervigilant	so	bad	things	won’t
happen	to	us	is	an	illusion.	Bad	things,	including	suffering	and	sorrow,
are
sadly	part	of	life.	It’s	not	your	job	to	become	certain	of	the	uncertain.	The
only	real	control	we	have	is	to	accept	reasonable	uncertainty	so	anxiety
doesn’t	rob	us	of	joy,	or	of	the	pleasure	of	being	fully	present	in	this	life	now.
STRATEGY:	MEETING	NEW	PEOPLE
Before	entering	a	social	situation,	we	can	never	know	with	100	percent
accuracy	what	will	happen,	how	we	will	feel,	or	what	others	may	think	about


us,	which	is	why	social	situations	often	involve	a	lot	of	uncertainty	anxiety.
We	can	get	so	caught	up	in	fears	over	possible	judgments/criticisms/slights
that	we	become	paralyzed	at	the	prospect	of	hanging	out	with	people.
The	more	assertive	you	are,	the	less	likely	you	are	to	fear	social
interaction.	This	is	because	when	you	exchange	eye	contact,	speak	out,	put
down	boundaries,	share	your	opinions,	people	see	you	and	respect	you.	And,
too,	speaking	up	is	a	way	to	clear	up	misconceptions	and	miscommunications
(both	of	which	are	inevitable	in	the	social	world)	so	the	same	distressing
social	dynamics	don’t	continue	to	play	out	for	you	over	and	over	again.
List	in	your	notebook	what	your	fears	are	before	entering	a	specific	social
situation,	and	next	to	each	fear	write	out	how	you	could	respond	and
appropriately	handle	the	situation	should	it	occur.
•

What	rejections	could	occur?
Example:

“People	won’t	talk	to	me	at	all,”	or	“People	will	look	away
and	it	will	feel	like	I’m	not	even	there.”
Response:

“I’ll	volunteer	to	help	the	host,”	or	“I’ll	make	the	plan	and
initiate	the	event,	so	I’ll	be	an	integral	factor.”
•

What	criticisms	could	occur?
Example:


•

What	criticisms	could	occur?
Example:

“If	I	talk	about	my	job,	people	will	think	it’s	boring	and	that
I’m	uninteresting.”
Response:

“I’ll	talk	a	bit	about	my	job	but	will	highlight	the	positive,


smile,	and	maybe	even	joke	about	it,”	or	“I’ll	vary	my	conversation	to
include	my	job	but	also	my	family	or	a	movie	I’ve	seen.”
•

What	things	matter	to	you	that	cannot	be	predicted	in	your	social
interactions	that	keeps	you	avoiding?
Example:

“I	want	to	feel	like	people	like	me,	but	I	fear	they’ll	avoid
me	or	won’t	pay	any	attention	to	me.”
Response:

“I’ll	make	a	point	to	engage	people.	I’ll	ask	questions,	make
eye	contact,	and	make	them	feel	I’m	interested	in	what	they	say	so
they’ll	enjoy	talking	to	me.”
If	possible,	role-play	with	a	friend	or	therapist	where	they	act	the	part	of	the
critical	other	and	you	act	the	part	of	being	assertive	and	defending	yourself.
Or	stand	in	front	of	a	mirror	and	literally	act	out	the	two	sides.	Get	used	to
hearing	yourself	clarify
thoughts

or	statements

without	being	defensive.
A
good	formula	for	this	is	starting	with	something	validating	followed	by	a
clarifying	statement:	“I	understand	what	you	mean,	but	actually	I	don’t	see	it
quite	the	same	way	as	you	do.”
After	practicing	assertiveness,	get	out	in	the	world	and	talk	to	people.	You	can
tolerate	the	uncertainty	of	not	knowing	what	people	are	thinking	and	still


enjoy	the	social	experiences.
STRATEGY:	BUILDING	UNCERTAINTY
TOLERANCE
Learning	to	tolerate	uncertainty,	and	seeing	that	it’s	possible	to	live	with	it,	is
actually	much	easier	in	the	long	run	than	overthinking	possibilities	and
imagining	terrifying	outcomes.
Here	are	four	steps	toward	increasing	your	tolerance	for	uncertainty:
1.

Instead	of	avoiding	uncertainty,	seek	it	out.
2.

When	uncertainty	presents	itself,	courageously	welcome	it	with	open
arms:	“I	see	you,	uncertainty,	and	I	can	and	I	will	continue	to	live	fully
while	you’re	by	my	side.”
3.

Reduce	behaviors	that	reinforce	your	belief	that	you	can’t	handle
uncertainty.	If	you	compulsively	check	things,	check	every	few	days
instead	of
every

day,	or	every	five	hours	instead	of	every	hour.	If	you
constantly	seek	reassurance,	see	if	you	can	self-soothe	through	positive
self-talk,	journaling,	exercise,	deep	breathing,	before	you	ask	for
another	dose	of	reassurance.	If	you’re	ruminating	about	a	what-if


scenario,	internally	label	it	“can’t	be	certain	of	the	uncertain.”
4.

While	strengthening	the	muscles	that	will	let	you	manage	uncertainty,
pay	close	attention	to	the	parts	of	your	life	where	you
do

have	control.
For	example,	being	present	and	attentive	to	children	is	one	way	we	can
impact	their	future	happiness.	Exercising	and	eating	well	helps	with
health	and	feeling	good.	Building	communication	skills	and	positive
experiences	together	helps	a	range	of	relationships	stand	the	test	of
time.	You	may	not	be	able	to	predict	uncertain	outcomes,	but	those	are
all	things	you	can	do	to	help	ensure	things	will	go	well	in	the	long	run!
WRAP-

UP
•

Avoidance	feels	relieving	in	the	moment	but	in	the	long	run	increases
anxiety.
•

The	desire	to	avoid/escape	fearful	situations	is	part	of	our	brain’s	fight-or-
flight	response.
•

The	problem	is	when	fight-or-flight	is	triggered	without	an	actual	threat.
•

Challenge	your	instinct	to	escape	or	avoid	so	new	learning	may	occur.
•

Uncertainty	in	life	is	unavoidable;	accepting	this	truth	decreases	anxiety.


CH

APTER	SIX
Acceptance	&	Approach
Making	Peace	with	Anxiety
Anxiety	serves	an	important	function.	Worry	and	concern	enable	us	to	tune	in,
connect	with	others,	take	care	of	ourselves,	and	have	empathy.	Anxiety	also
motivates	us	to	set	goals,	take	action,	and	pay	attention	to	what	matters.	I
sometimes	see	people	in	my	practice	who	don’t	have	enough	anxiety.	That
might	sound	strange,	but	they	come	in	feeling	unmotivated,	lost,	and	without
purpose.	Chances	are,	if	you	live	with	anxiety,	you’re	fully	invested	in	your
life’s	course.	You	have	the	drive	needed	to	achieve	an	enriching	and
meaningful	life.	The	key,	however,	is	to	not	squander	your	precious	energy	on
a	struggle
against

anxiety.
Many	of	us	have	a	sense	that	we	aren’t	living	a	“good”	or	“happy”	or
“correct”	life	if	we	experience	even	low	levels	of	distress.	If	you	feel	this
way,	you	probably
expend

a	lot	of	energy	trying	to	prevent	the	unpreventable.
Joy,	love,	and	pleasure	are	magnificent	aspects	of	life.	However,	in	the	small
print	on	life’s	contract	you’ll	find	that	hardship,	loss,	suffering,	setbacks,	and,
yes,	anxiety,	are	also	part	of	the	deal.


yes,	anxiety,	are	also	part	of	the	deal.
Instead	of	trying	to	rid	yourself	of	things	that	can’t	be	changed,	like
distress	and	discomfort,	change	your
relationship

with	anxiety	by	accepting	it.
Give	up	the	futile	struggle	against	your	feelings	and	allow	your	anxiety	to
come	and	go—as	feelings	always	do.
Imagine	yourself	as	a	surfer,	moving	with,	not	against,	your	waves	of
emotion,	and	accepting	those	waves	as	they	come.	You	can’t	control	the
waves,	but	you	can	take	them	as	they	are,	which	will	help	you	move	through
life	more	smoothly.
Accepting	anxiety	doesn’t	mean	you’re	a	victim	of	it	or	that	you’re	giving
up	and	allowing	it	to	control	you.	Acceptance	doesn’t	even	mean	you	like
what	you’re	experiencing.	Acceptance	is	the	idea	that	it	is	what	it	is.	When
you	look	out	the	window	and	see	rain	you	don’t	say	to	yourself,	“It’s	raining,
I	have	to	fix	this!”	You	also	don’t	say,	“I’m	a	victim	of	the	rain,”	or	“I’m
being	abused	by	the	rain,”	or	“It’s	raining,	I	give	up.”	Perhaps	you	don’t	love
the	rain,	but	you	pull	out	an	umbrella,	you	keep	moving	forward,	and	you
know	that	eventually	the	rain	will	stop.


STRATEGY:

ACCEPTANCE
Try	this	experiment	to	experience	the	change	in	perception	and	emotional
freedom	that	true	acceptance	brings.
For	this	exercise,	get	your	notebook	and	also	find	a	bandana	or	light	cloth
you	can	use	as	a	blindfold.	I	want	you	to	write	a	few	sentences	while	wearing
a	blindfold	about	your	understanding	of	the	role	of	acceptance	in	managing
anxiety.	You’re	to	write	as	clearly	and	legibly	as	possible,	making	sure	to	keep
the	letters	and	words	lined	up,	even	though	you	won’t	be	able	to	see	what
you’re	writing.	You	can	do	anything	you	need	to	help	you	with	this,	except
remove	the	blindfold.	Do	your	best	to	try	to	figure	out	a	way	to	write	as
straight	as	you	can	in	spite	of	not	being	able	to	see.
Now	do	the	exercise	again.	This	time,	don’t	worry	about	writing	straight	and
on	the	lines,	or	making	sure	your	letters	are	clear.	Just	write	while	wearing
the	blindfold.
Can	you	feel	the	difference?	Once	you	accept	the	blindfold,	you’re	liberated
from	the	anxiety	about	it.
STRATEGY:	CLARIFY	YOUR	VALUES
Values	are	the	things	in	life	we	cherish	most,	the	things	that	give	our	lives
meaning.	Common	examples	of	core	values	include	family,	spirituality,
health,	and
community.


health,	and
community.

Living	a	life	that	matches	your	core	values	increases
self-esteem,	joy,	and	quality	of	life.	The	good	news	is,	the	strategies	you’re
learning	here	will	help	you	channel	your	energy	away	from	anxious	patterns
and	toward	the	values	that	matter	most	to	you,	in	spite	of,	or	alongside,	your
anxiety	symptoms.
A	good	way	to	get	in	touch	with	your	values	is	to	imagine	yourself	on
your	deathbed.	This	can	be	difficult,	but	imagining	life	ending	can	sometimes
connect	us	with	what	we	want	most.
•

What	do	you	want	others	to	know	and	remember	about	you,	that	you	did	or
didn’t	do,	during	your	life?
•

How	do	you	want	to	impact	the	larger	world?
•

How	do	you	want	others	you	care	about	to	experience	you?
Consider	writing	down	what	you	value	in	each	area	of	your	life	as	listed	in	the
next	section;	remember,	a	value	can	be	that	you	don’t	value	that	particular
area.


Relationships	(romantic,	friendship,	family,	parent,	child):
Professional:
Education:
Religious/

spiritual:
Community:
Hobbies/interests:
Psychological	growth:
Physical	health:
STRATEGY:	COMMITTED	ACTION
Identify	what	you	can	do
now

to	start	living	the	kind	of	life	you	truly	desire.
Any	small	step	toward	your	values	will	improve	your	mood	and	anxiety.	Get
out	your	notebook	and	map	out	a	plan	to	start	taking	committed	action	toward
something	you	value.	Here’s	how:
1.

Identify	value:
Example:

Psychological	growth
2.

Identify	goal:
Example:

Increase	self-esteem
3.

Identify	step	to	take	to	reach	goal:
Example	short-term	action:

“Every	day	do	one	task	that	makes	me
feel	competent—pay	the	bills,	make	a	meal,	exercise,	volunteer,	help	a
friend.”
Example

long-term	action:

“Ask	boss	about	what’s	needed	for	a
promotion,”	or	“Sign	up	for	a	class.”
4.

Now	take	action!
Go

Deeper
Your	Best	Life
The	story	you	tell	yourself	about	who	you	are	and	what	you	can	and
can’t	do	influences	every	aspect	of	your	life.	Although	you	may	take
your	story	as	fact,	it	is	not.	The	accumulation	of	negative	experiences


over	time	can	give	us	a	sense	of	ourselves	that	is	entirely	false.	We	are	so
accustomed	to	our	story	that	we	don’t	challenge	it	or	recognize	the	ways
it	blocks	our	growth.	Your	story	can	be	changed.
•

Rewrite	your	story	so	it	can	support	who	you	truly	want	to	be.
•

In	this	process,	consider	which	ideals/values	you	care	about	and	want
to	cultivate.
•

Write	about	what	your	best	life	would	look	like	and	also	how	you
would	feel	on	the	inside	if	you	were	actually	living	this	life.
•

Write	specific,	doable,	action	items	that	will	move	you	toward	living
this	life	starting	now,	today.
Do

the	Scary	Thing
For	many	of	us,	it’s	tempting	to	think	the	only	way	to	emotional	freedom	is	to
eliminate	our	anxiety	entirely.	But	as	we’ve	seen,	total	anxiety	elimination	is
self-defeating	because	of	anxiety’s	many	benefits	and,	of	course,	because	it	is
an	impossible	task.	Feeling	anxious	from	time	to	time	is	something	to	accept,
not	struggle	against.
Accepting	you’re	going	to	feel	anxious	at	times—sometimes	quite
anxious—frees	up	psychic	space	that	was	occupied	by	willing	anxiety	away.


This	opening	is	a	portal	for	achieving	goals	and	living	a	meaningful	life
while
anxiety	is	present

.
In	fact,	when	you	make	room	for	anxiety	to	be	present	without	sounding
the	fire	alarm,	you’ll	find	there’s	value	in	simply	noticing	where	anxiety	crops
up.	Frequently	we	become	anxious	about	things	because	they	matter	to	us.
For	example,	when	we	worry	about	a	social	interaction	it’s	probably	because
we	really	value	having	a	social	life.	If	we	tremble	in	the	face	of	a	job
interview,	it’s	because	professional	achievement	is	important	to	us.	We	don’t
usually	get	anxious	about	things	that	are	irrelevant	to	our	lives	and	values.
Instead	of	turning	on	yourself	when	anxiety	rears	its	head,	make	room	for
it	and	for	what	it	can	teach	you.	Accept	yourself,	wholly	and	completely,	the
positive	and	the	negative.	Approach	what	you’re	afraid	of,	because
whatever
is	on	the	other	side	of	that	fear	matters	to	you.	And	that’s	important,	because
you

matter.
Paradoxically,	fully	accepting	anxiety	relieves	anxiety.	To	do	this,
however,	you	have	to	legitimately	accept	it	as	an	inevitable	part	of	your	life.
Accepting	anxiety	just	so	it	will	“go	away”	won’t	work.	Tell	yourself	(
and


mean	it

!),	“My	anxiety	will	forever	come	and	go,”	and	“I	can	still	be	okay
and	live	a	valuable	life	with	anxiety.”
Maybe	you’ve	experienced	the	freedom	that	comes	with	true	acceptance
in	other	parts	of	your	life:
Just	when	you	accepted	you	wouldn’t	find	love,	you	found	it.
Just	when	you	accepted	your	unsatisfactory	job	situation,	it	improved.
Just	when	you	accepted	a	loss,	something	was	gained.
Just	when	you	accepted	your	flaws	(or	the	flaws	of	someone	else),	they
stopped	upsetting	you.
Just	when	you	accepted	your	diagnosis,	you	became	healthier	in	other	ways.
Acceptance	brings	less	obsessive	focus	and	energy	spent	on	whatever	is
troubling	us.	As	we	become	less	singularly	focused,	our	lens	expands	to	the
larger	picture.	We	have	the	space	to	strategize,	take	risks,	and	do	more	to
improve	our	circumstance.
STRATEGY:

IMAGINE	A	SCENARIO
Use	this	visualization	exercise	to	get	in	touch	with	what	you	might	gain	if	you
push	through	your	anxiety.
1.

Bring	something	to	mind	that	matters	to	you	but	that	you’ve	avoided
or	neglected	because	of	anxiety	and	fear.	Picture	the	details.	Paint	the
scene	in	your	mind’s	eye.
2.


scene	in	your	mind’s	eye.
2.

Try	to	conjure	what	you	would	feel	in	your	body	if	you	approached
what	you	are	afraid	of.	Notice	the	physical	cues.	Can	you	feel	your
heart	rate	increase	or	your	stomach	sink?	Remind	yourself	that	you’re
safe;	you’re	just	pretending.
3.

Imagine	you	follow	through	with	whatever	used	to	frighten	you	into
inaction,	and	imagine	how	you	would	feel	if	you	did	that.	What	would
you	gain?
Anxiety	Is	Not	the	Boss	of	You
Ideally,	when	our	anxiety	response	is	triggered,	we	make	a	swift	assessment
of	how	dangerous	the	situation	at	hand	really	is.	Then	we’re	able	to	either
manage	the	situation	appropriately	(“Get	out	of	the	house,	there’s	a	fire!”)	or
self-soothe	(“You’re	okay,	take	a	deep	breath.”),	return	to	a	calmer	baseline,
and	move	on.	When	we
experience

chronic	anxiety,	fight-or-flight	is	triggered
so	frequently	that	we	are	forever	on	guard	for	potential	threats,	and	can	never


truly	relax.
Anxiety	can	be	like	a	tyrant	that	controls	us	to	such	an	extent	that	our	true
nature	fades	into	the	background.	Over	time	it	gets	harder	and	harder	to	recall
who	we	are	and	what	we	want,	separate	from	anxiety,	or	believe	there	is
another	way	to	live.	Yet	it’s	possible	to	break	free.	You	can	go	your	own	way,
do	your	own	thing;	you	can	be	the	boss	of	the	anxiety.
Take	the	example	of	Mateo,	a	high	school	football	player	I	worked	with	in
my	psychotherapy	practice.	A	gifted	athlete,	Mateo	was	nonetheless
consumed	by	anxiety	regarding	his	performance	on	the	field.	Over	time	this
anxiety	stopped	him	from	going	on	the	practice	field	at	all,	which	only
increased	his	anxiety	and	negative	feelings	about	himself.	Not	practicing
meant	his	skills	weren’t	improving.	Mateo	worried	recruiters	wouldn’t	see
what	he	could	do	and	all	would	be	lost.
I	suggested	to	him,	“You	know	you’re	really	anxious	right	now.	Your
anxiety	is	telling	you	to	stay	home	and	give	up	on	your	dream	of	getting	a
football	scholarship.	You	believe	you	have	to	do	what	the	anxiety	tells	you.
But	you	don’t	have	to	listen.	You’re	in	charge,	not	the	anxiety.	You	could	go


to	practice
while	you	feel	anxious

.”
At	first,	Mateo,	like	many	of	us,	remained	stuck	on	the	idea	that	he	can’t
live	with	anxiety:	“But	I	don’t	want	to	feel	anxious!	I	have	to	figure	out	the
anxiety	first.”	Then	he	made	the	connection:	“Well,	I	guess	I’m	going
to

feel
anxious	either	way.	I	didn’t	go	to	practice	today	and	I	feel	even	worse	than
yesterday,	but	at	least	if	I	go	to	practice	I	haven’t	lost	anything	else.”
And	that’s	it.	If	you	make	your	choices
in	spite	of	anxiety

,	you’re	retaking
control	of	yourself	and	your	actions—you’re	retaking	control	of	your	world.
Now	you	are	free.	Free	to	strive	to	become	a	college	football	player,	develop
close	friendships,	fall	in	love,	travel,	be	spontaneous,	take	the	final	tests	to	get
the	degree,	take	that	medical	test	that	could	save	your	life,	speak	up	in	the
meeting	so	your	boss	will	give	you	that	promotion,	start	a	new	business,	plan
a	party.
Anxiety	will	not	disappear,	but	it	will	no	longer	be	your	tyrannical	boss—
you,	your	true	nature,	will	be	the	boss.
STRATEGY:

WATCHING	YOUR	THOUGHTS
Use	this	mindfulness	exercise	to	better	connect	with	the	part	of	you—the


Use	this	mindfulness	exercise	to	better	connect	with	the	part	of	you—the
observer—that	is	separate	from	your	anxious	feelings	and	thoughts.
1.

Sit	quietly	and	comfortably.	Become	an	observer	of	your	thoughts	and
sensations.	You’re	not	overwhelmed	by	your	experience	and	you’re	not


pushing	it	away	or	judging	it.	Your	experience	just	is	what	it	is.
2

.

Notice	that	as	each	thought	passes	it	is	replaced	by	another	…	and
another	…	and	another.	Similar	to	lying	on	your	back	watching	clouds
and	labeling	their	varying	shapes	and	nuances:	“fuzzy	cloud,”	“smoke
cloud,”	“bird-shaped	cloud.”	Watch	your	thoughts	as	they	come	and	go
and	label	them:	“worried	thoughts,”	“fear	thoughts,”	“planning
thoughts,”	“happy	thoughts.”
3.

Label	your	observations	as	they	come	up	using	the	sentences	below.
These	sentences	are	ways	to	separate	your	observing	self	from	your
emotions	and	thoughts:
•

“I	am	aware	I	am	having	the	thought	that	––—.”
Example:

I	am	bad/weak/failure	…
•

“A	feeling	of	––—	has	come	over	me.”
Example:

sadness/dread/hurt/sorrow/joy
•

“I	am	experiencing	the	thought	––—.”
•

“I	notice	a	narrative	that	tells	me	––—.”
•

“I	am	noticing	a	sense	of	––—.”
•

“I	am	noticing	a	body	sensation	of	––—.”
STRATEGY:

IN	VIVO	EXPOSURE
In	vivo


STRATEGY:

IN	VIVO	EXPOSURE
In	vivo

is	just	a	fancy	way	of	saying,	“in	real	life,”	and	for	our	purposes,	it
means	you	need	to	experience	the	situations	you’re	avoiding.	Anxiety	has
dictated	a	number	of	your	choices	and	caused	you	to	miss	out.	Calling	up
your	fears	in	real	time,	by	approaching	what	you	usually	avoid,	will	show	you
that	you	can	work	through	your	anxiety	in	the	moment	and	get	out	on	the
other	side.	What’s	on	the	other	side?	A	life	full	of	experiences	you	value.
(When	you	try	your	first	in	vivo	exposures,	find	a	trusted	friend	to	accompany
you	so	you	have	support	if	you	start	to	feel	overwhelmed.)
Pick	something	that	you’ve	long	avoided	because	of	anxiety.	This	should	be
something	that	will	be	hard	but	that	you	can	imagine	pushing	yourself	to	do.
Examples	might	be	calling	a	friend	or	relative,	going	somewhere,	speaking	up
in	a	group,	asking	for	something	you	need,	telling	someone	something	you’ve
needed	to	say	for	a	long	time.	Take	doing	the	task	slowly.	Remember,	the
anxiety	will	be	there	as	you	push	forth	and	that’s	okay.	Here’s	how:
1.

Take	action:	Do	something	you	avoid	and	fear	that	blocks	you	from


gaining	something	important	to	you.
2.

Rein	in	fight-or-flight:	Bring	down	physiological	arousal	by	paying
attention	to	your	breathing.	Make	each	exhalation	longer	than	the	one
before.
3

.

Support	yourself:	Tell	yourself,	as	you	push	forward	toward	your	goal
and	feel	that	surge	of	anxiety,	“I	can	and	I	will	push	through.	I	can	and
I	will	push	through.	I	can	and	I	will	push	through	…	”
STRATEGY:	HOW	DID	IT	FEEL?
When	we’re	anxious,	we	don’t	focus	enough	on	the	relief	and	even	pleasure
we	experience	when	we	push	through	the	anxiety	and	get	to	the	other	side.
Take	a	moment	now	to	be	aware	of	what	good	came	from	exposing	yourself
to	the	situation	you	have	previously	avoided	so	you	will	be	sure	to	do	it	again.
•

Do	you	feel	any	relief	in	your	body?
•

Do	you	feel	any	pleasure	or	pride	in	knowing	you	did	the	thing?
•

Did	anything	good	come	from	doing	it?
•

Can	you	imagine	doing	it	again	or	something	similar?
•

Which	makes	you	feel	better	about	yourself,	approaching	your	fears	or
avoiding/escaping	them?
Giving

Up	the	Struggle


avoiding/escaping	them?
Giving

Up	the	Struggle
It’s	tempting	to	live	life	in	a	constant	state	of	longing.	We	long	to	not
experience	upsetting	or	anxious	feelings.	We	long	to	win.	We	long	to	be
better.	We	long	to	be	free	of	pain	and	full	of	pleasure.	And	we	berate
ourselves	when	we	don’t	achieve	what	we	long	for.	This	mind-set	can	make
life	an	endless	race	to	get	something,	and	then	something	else,	and	then
something	else.	Deep	down	we	believe	this	struggle	is	one	day	going	to	lead
to	an	end	to	all	of	our	suffering,	an	end	of	wanting	more,	and	an	end	to	ever
feeling	bad.
This	belief	is	a	fantasy	that	encourages	anxiety	to	flourish.	Anxiety	on
some	level	is	never	going	to	end.	Believing	it	can	somehow	be	controlled	or
erased	becomes	a	barrier	that	prevents	people	from	improving	the	quality	of
their	lives	here	and	now.
Take,	for	example,	planning	a	vacation.	You	can	choose	to	approach	the
planning	with	anxiety,	frustration,	or	aggravation.	You	might	worry	that	you
won’t	be	able	to	do	what	you	want	to	do	on	the	trip,	that	the	flights	will	be


horrendous,	and	that	all	the	planning	is	taking	away	time	from	other	things
you	should	be	doing.	At	times	you	may	even	tell	yourself,	“This	trip	isn’t
worth	all	this	planning,	ugh,	I	give	up!”	By	the	time	you	take	the	trip	you	may
be	filled	with	such	resentment	or	annoyance	over	the	planning	and
packing
that	nothing	about	the	trip	will	quite	make	you	happy.	You	return	home
dissatisfied	and	unfulfilled.	You	vow	to	take	another,	better,	more	perfect	trip
in	the	future.
Alternatively,	you	can	accept	the	planning	process—even	embrace	it.	You
have	to	do	it	anyway,	so	you	might	as	well	enjoy	it.	You	can	conjure	a	feeling
of	excitement	and	imagine	your	future	pleasure	as	you	think	through	what
you	want	to	do.	You	can	spend	time	looking	at	photos,	reading	articles,	and
creating	an	agenda.	When	you	hit	setbacks,	you	can	be	flexible	and	think	of
other	ways	to	still	get	much	of	what	you	want	out	of	the	trip.
Dealing	with	anxiety	is	similar,	in	that	there’s	a	choice:	On	the	one	hand,
you	can	forfeit	the	present	moment	and	succumb	to	anxiety,	or	even	self-
criticism	for
feeling

anxiety.	On	the	other	hand,	you	can	make	room	for	a


anxiety.	On	the	other	hand,	you	can	make	room	for	a
larger	experience	of	yourself	other	than	as	just	an	anxious	person.	If	you	want
the	latter,	when	setbacks	hit,	adjust	to	the	new	wave	like	that	agile	surfer,	or
take	a	turn	in	a	different	direction.	Do	that	and	anxiety’s	inevitable	presence
will	not	dominate	and	rob	you	of	the	enriching	experiences	you	deserve.
Go

Deeper
Exploring	Your	Struggle
Take	some	time	to	sit	down	and	journal	about	what	your	struggle	with
anxiety	is	like	for	you.	Here	are	a	few	prompts	to	focus	your	writing:
•

Write	about	the	ways	you	have	attempted	to	fight	anxiety.	For
example,	trying	to	anticipate	fear/self-doubt/worry;	making	choices	in
hopes	they	will	keep	anxiety	at	bay;	spending	time	problem-solving
about	things	that	can’t	be	solved;	trying	to	make	certain	the
unavoidable	uncertainties	found	in	every	life.
•

Many	people	blame	themselves.	Consider	the	ways	you	may	have
been	too	hard	on	yourself—judgmental	and	self-critical—because	you
feel	you	“shouldn’t”	be	struggling	with	anxiety.
•

Consider	how	many	parts	of	days,	weeks,	and	years	have	been


consumed	by	anxiety.	What	would	it	be	like	to	give	up	this	struggle
and	accept	anxiety?	What	would	you	do	with	the	gift	of	that	free


mental	space?
•

As	you	write,	see	if	you	can	connect	with	a	feeling	of	compassion	for
yourself	and	for	what	you	have	endured	in	your	struggle.
STRATEGY:

INVITING	DIFFICULT	EMOTIONS
This	strategy	is	a	way	to	practice	giving	up	the	fight	against	your	emotions.
Instead	of	struggling	against	them,	you’re	actually	going	to	lean	in	to
whatever	emotions	you	might	be	experiencing—the	pleasant	and	the
unpleasant.	Try	to	actually	invite	anxiety	(and	other	unpleasant	feelings)	to
come	over	you.
1.

Sit	comfortably	in	a	quiet	location.	When	anxiety	appears,	instead	of
fighting	it	(“This	is	wrong,”	“Make	it	stop.”),	let	go	of	control	and	give
up	the	struggle.	Welcome	anxiety	in	with	open	arms:	“Yes,	I	see	you,
anxiety,	and	there’s	space	for	you	here	with	me.”	Meet	the	surges	of
unease	or	worry	with	warm	acceptance.	You	can	accept	your	feelings
even	though	they	cause	you	discomfort.
2.

You’re	not	attempting	to	change	the	feeling,	push	it	away,	or	keep	it
present.	You’re	aware	of	whatever	it	is,
as	it	is

.	You’re	letting	go	of
control	in	favor	of	awareness.
3.

As	you	experience	the	anxiety,	ask	yourself,	“What	else	may	be	here?”


Explore	for	deeper	emotions	that	may	be	hiding	under	your	anxiety.
Many	anxious	people	have	not	grieved	something	from	their	past	or
fully	acknowledged	a	hardship	they	suffered.	For	example,	perhaps
you’re
anxious

about	your	partner	possibly	leaving	you.	Dig	deeper;
what	is	this	worry	connected	to	from	your	past?	When	do	you
remember	first	feeling	anxiety	over	someone	leaving?	Perhaps	you
trace	this	feeling	to	your	parents’	divorce	and	your	dad	moving	out.
Now	invite	in	that	sadness	or	anger;	see	if	you	can	notice	where	you
feel	it	in	your	body.	Stick	with	the	feelings.
4.

Work	to	uncover	the	root	emotion	to	which	each	anxiety	branch	may
be	attached.	Oftentimes,	getting	at	the	root,	where	the	emotion	first
presented,	can	entirely	relieve	the	anxious	feelings.	Tell	the	feelings
they’re	welcomed	here	with	you.	Validate	them	as	real	and	worthy	of
your	attention.
STRATEGY:

TAKE	YOUR	ANXIETY	ALONG
FOR	THE	RIDE


If	you’re	like	many	anxious	people,	fear	and	apprehension	stop	you	in	your
tracks.	You	feel	as	if	you	have	to	wait	for	anxiety	to	go	away	before	you	can
get	on	with	your	life.	It’s	actually	the	opposite:	for	your	anxiety	to	diminish,
get	on	with	your	life

!
•

Take	a	moment	to	identify	and	be	aware	of	your	anxiety.	Then	task
yourself	with	an	activity,	errand,	or	outing.	This	doesn’t	have	to	be	an	all-
day	event.	(You	can	work	up	to	that.)	Even	going	to	the	grocery	store	or
running	a	few	errands	while	in	an	anxious	state	will	do	the	trick.
•

Make	sure	you	follow	through	completely.	In	other	words,	don’t	give	up
once	you’re	at	the	grocery	store	or	after	completing	one	errand.	Remember,
you’re	apt	to	feel	anxious	wherever	you	are,	so	you	might	as	well	get	some
things	accomplished	while	you’re	anxious	(and	it	might	just	help	you	to	be
less	anxious	later).
•

Once	you	complete	the	task,	see	if	your	anxiety	decreased	at	all	as	a	result.
Even	if	it	didn’t,	congratulate	yourself	that	you	did	what	you	needed	to	do
in	spite	of	the	anxiety.	Do	it	again	when	you	have	an	opportunity.
WRAP-

UP
•


WRAP-

UP
•

Accepting	that	anxiety	will	forever	come	and	go	is	liberating.
•

Stopping	the	struggle	against	anxiety	creates	room	for	an	enriching	life.
•

Identifying	your	values	and	larger	goals	will	enhance	your	quality	of	life.
•

Making	choices	and	taking	action	on	these	larger	goals	in	spite	of	your
anxiety	is	empowering.
•

Fully	accepting	anxiety	relieves	anxiety.


CH

APTER	SEVEN
Putting	the	Tools	to	Work
Implementing	anxiety	techniques	on	a	routine	basis	means	you	can
start	to	make	choices	for	yourself	that	reflect	your	larger	goals	and
values,

in	spite	of	anxiety
.	You’re	no	longer	only	an	anxious
person;	you	are	a	person	who,	along	with	anxiety,	has	a	rich	and
meaningful	life.	Here	are	ways	to	turn	the	strategies	you’re
learning	into	consistent	habits	that	will	enrich	your	life	for	the	long
term.
From

Strategies	to	Habits
Repeated	use	of	these	techniques	in	a	structured,	determined	manner	will
bring	you	relief	far	beyond	managing	your	symptoms.	Consider	the
challenging	task	of	quitting	smoking.	Smokers	say	it	usually	takes	three
months	for	nicotine	withdrawal	symptoms	to	leave	the	body.	Those	three
months	require	deliberate	effort	to	adopt	a	new	learning	pattern,	but	the
rewards	clearly	outweigh	the	effort.	Three	months	is	nothing	compared	to	a
longer,	healthier,	and	more	satisfying	life.
Similarly,	take	the	example	of	Julia.	Julia	felt	extremely	anxious	driving
on	highways	with	congested	lanes	and	higher	speed	limits.	Each	time	she
drove	on	a	highway,	the	same	pattern	of	neurons	fired	and	a	panic	attack	soon


ensued.	Julia’s	mind	reeled	with	imagined	bad	outcomes.	Over	time,	even	the
thought	of	highway	driving	triggered	panic.	Eventually	she	stopped	driving
on	highways	altogether.
In	the	moment,	avoiding	what	makes	us	anxious	feels	like	the	fix.	In	the
long	run,	the	avoidance	increases	anxiety.	With	treatment,	Julia	made	a
commitment	to	overcome	this	anxiety.	She	began	by	visualizing	herself
driving	and	coping	well.	She	also	practiced	deep	breathing	to	rein	in	the	fight-
or-flight	response	and	supportive	self-talk:	“I	can	and	I	will	push	through	to
the	other	side.”	At	first	the	old	anxiety	reaction	came	flooding	back	in.	She
persevered.	After	two	weeks	of	visualizing,	she	drove	on	a	highway	again.
After	two	months,	she	was	regularly	behind	the	wheel	and	reported
that

her
anxiety	had	dropped	from	10	to	5	on	a	scale	from	1	to	10.
Julia	pushed	through.	Not	only	did	her	symptoms	improve	but	her	quality


of	life	also	improved.	She	was	now	able	to	spontaneously	visit	her	mom	and
friends.	Most	importantly,	she	felt	like	the	independent	and	capable	woman
she	always	knew	herself	to	be.
Planning
Reconsider	when	you	will	integrate	the	techniques	you	planned	in
chapter	4
into	your	daily	routine.	If	you	have	already	begun	to	do	so,	maybe	your
planning	is	working.	If	you	have	not	started	to	use	the	strategies	regularly,
consider	whether	you’ve	made	a	realistic	plan.	For	example,	if	you	commit	to
practicing	the	various	strategies	for	20	minutes	at	the	end	of	the	day	and	you
aren’t	following	through,	maybe	two	10-minute	sessions	is	a	better	way	for
you	to	start.
Be	flexible	and	open	to	new	ways	of	structuring	your	life,	but	do	schedule
time,	ideally	a	little	bit	each	day,	to	work	on	anxiety	reduction.
Track	Your	Progress
It’s	important	to	long-term	progress	that	you	set	up	a	system	whereby	you
track,	ideally	on	a	daily	basis,	the	strategies	you’re	using	and	the	intensity	of
your	anxiety.
Below	is	an	example	of	a	quick	and	easy	way	to	track	progress.	Each	day,
check	any	and	all
strategies

you	use	from
chapters	5

and
6

.	Also	be	sure	to


and
6

.	Also	be	sure	to
rate	your	anxiety	for	the	day,	using	a	1	to	10	scale,	with	1	being	entirely
relaxed	and	10	being	full	anxiety	meltdown.	For	example:	The	1	to	10	scale	is
a	way	to	look	back	and	see	your	progress.	At	first	you	may	have	quite	a	few
8s	or	even	10s,	but	ideally	over	the	course	of	a	month,	you’re	going	to	have
more	days	with	5s	or	even	4s.
STRATEGY
MON
TUES
WEDS
THURS
FRI
SAT
SUN
What	Are	You
Avoiding?
Why	Are	You	Avoiding
It?
Identify	Targets
✓
Rein	in	Fight-or-Flight
✓
Do

What	You	Fear
Meeting	New	People
✓
Building	Uncertainty
Tolerance
✓


Acceptance
Values
Committed	Action
✓
Imagine	a	Scenario
Stop	Missing	Out!
Watching	Your
Thoughts
✓
In	Vivo	Exposure
How	Did	It	Feel?
✓
Inviting	Difficult
Emotions
Take	Your	Anxiety
Along	for	the	Ride
Rate	Your	Anxiety	1	to
10	Scale
7
3
5
2
3
6
7
Goal	Setting
When	the	rubber	meets	the	road,	and	you	have	to	actually	start	implementing
your	plan,	self-doubt	will	creep	in.	Self-doubt	is	the	enemy	of	inspiration	and
change.	It’s	all	too	tempting	to	turn	to	excuses:	“It’s	too	hard,”	“It	will	take
forever,”	“This	is	going	to	be	awful.”	Allow	that	to	happen	and	the	mental
energy	required	to	improve	will	be	tapped	out.
You	want	to	be	released	from	your	struggle	with	anxiety,	which	is	why
you’re	reading	this	page	now.	However,	for	many,	the	idea	of	change	brings
on	competing	feelings.	Yes,	there	is	hope	for	something	better	but	also	fear
that	you	can’t	get	there.	When	doubt	looms,	remind	yourself	that
anxiety	is
highly	responsive	to	treatment

.	People	who	practice	these	techniques	on	a
regular	basis	usually	improve.	The	need	for	effort	doesn’t	mean	results	won’t
come,	it	just	means	it	will	require	work.


come,	it	just	means	it	will	require	work.
Take	this	moment	to	set	a	couple	of	goals	for	yourself	based	on	what	you
read	in
chapters	5

and
6

.	These
should

be	overarching	goals	that	you	can
come	back	to	repeatedly	for	motivation	to	stay	the	course.
Maybe	you	recognize	all	you’ve	missed	out	on	because	of	avoidance
behavior,	and	you	want	to	stop	missing	out.	Or	perhaps	you	became	more
clearly	aware	of	what	is	meaningful	and	of	value	in	your	life,	and	you	set	the
goal	of	making	space	for	those	values,	regardless	of	your	anxiety.


STRATEGY	OF	THE	DAY
Pick	a	few	strategies	from	this	section	that	you	can	incorporate	on	a	daily
basis.	For	example,	an	excellent	daily	strategy	that	is	quite	grounding	is
“Watching	Your	Thoughts”

.	Sit	quietly	even	for	five	minutes	and	observe
your	thoughts,	similar	to	watching	clouds.	Thoughts	will	arise,	and	they	will
pass	by—you	don’t	have	to	respond,	you	only	have	to	observe	them.	Or	sit
quietly	and	practice	acceptance	of	something	troubling	you,	or	invite	your
anxiety	in	and	accept	those	feelings	and	sensations.
Another	helpful	strategy	is
“Take	Your	Anxiety	Along	for	the	Ride”

.	In
this	case,	you	commit	to	keeping	up	with	tasks	and	commitments,	even	when
you’re	in	an	anxious	state.	You	simply	tell	the	anxiety,	“Alright,	I	know
you’re	there;	you’re	just	going	to	have	to	come	along	with	me	today!”
STRATEGY

OF	THE	WEEK
Pick	a	few	larger	strategies	that	you	can	work	into	your	routine	at	least	three
times	this	week.
A	good	place	to	start	and	one	that	will	immediately	boost	your	mood	and
decrease	anxiety	is	to	spend	some	time	each	week	on	committed	action—this
could	be	spending	time	with	a	loved	one	or	volunteering	at	a	local	homeless


shelter/animal	rescue	center.	Taking	practically	any	action,	no	matter	how
small,	that	matches	your	values	will	inspire	you	and	also	lessen	anxiety,	even
if	only	slightly.
Go

Deeper
Create	Your	Weekly	Strategies	Calendar
Revisit	the	weekly	strategies	calendar	you	created	in	chapter	4	(
here

).
Take	a	moment	to	look	over	the	current	month.	If	you	have	not	already
done	so,	write	in	work,	social,	and	family	appointments	and
commitments.
People	make	great	progress	by	simply	committing	to	using	one	strategy
on	a	daily	basis.	This	can	be	a	simple/easy	strategy,	but	doing	it	daily
encourages	the	habit	to	become	gradually	more	automatic.	Write	in	one
strategy	from
chapters	5

and
6

that	you’re	willing	to	commit	to	using
every	day	of	the	month.	When	you	realize	you	missed	a	day(s),	which
will	occasionally	happen,	just	pick	up	where	you	left	off.


Assess	what’s	coming	up	by	digitally	or	manually	marking	red,	yellow,
and	green	zones	on	your	calendar.	Red	zones	are	those	that	are	more
anxiety	fueled,	green	are	those	where	you	expect	to	be	fairly	at	ease	and
feel	less	internal	pressure,	and	yellow	are	in	the	middle,	where	you
imagine	you	will	feel	neither	very	anxious	nor	very	relaxed.
Take

a	step	back	and	look	at	how	much	of	your	month	is	red	and	how
much	is	green.	If	there’s	a	predominance	of	red,	you’re	likely	carrying
too	much	dread	about	your	activities,	which	is	no	way	to	live.	One	of	the
single	best	ways	to	improve	mood	is	to	have	things	to	look	forward	to.
Can	you	reduce	the	red	on	your	calendar	and	increase	the	green?	Even	a
few	eliminations	can	make	a	noticeable	difference.
On	days	or	times	where	you	anticipate	anxious	triggers,	or	see	a	red	zone
on	your	calendar,	write	down	a	strategy	(or	strategies)	that	you	think	will
be	particularly	suited	for	that	specific	trigger.	For	example,	if	it’s	a
dreaded	social	encounter,	you	might	put	on	your	calendar	to	“practice
acceptance,”	or	“practice	being	assertive	in	social	situations.”	Or	if	it’s


something	you	want	to	avoid	but	need	to	approach,	you	might	practice
“imaginal	exposure,”	where	you	visualize	yourself	doing	the	thing	you
want	to	avoid.
Check-

In
One	of	the	reasons	weekly	psychotherapy	is	so	effective	for	treating	anxiety	is
that	the	regular	meeting	serves	as	a	cue	for	the	brain,	a	reminder	of	the
ultimate	goal—a	sense	of	peace	and	well-being—and	the	tools	needed	to	get
there.	You	can	do	this	on	your	own,	but	do	commit	to	checking	in	with
yourself	on	a	regular	basis.	Use	this	time	to	note	your	progress	and	problem
solve	about	what	you	could	tweak	or	do	differently	to	be	even	more
successful.	The	key	is	to	be	flexible	and	try	things	differently	if	your	anxiety
is	not	improving,	but	don’t	give	up.	It	takes	flexibility	and	patience,	but	ease
and	calm	await.
How	Did	You	Do?
Start	by	reflecting	on	how	you’re	doing	every	couple	of	days.	Then	as	you
notice	your	symptoms	improving,	check	in	once	a	week	and	then	eventually
monthly.
•

How	successful	were	you	with	your	daily	goals?
•

How	about	your	weekly	goals?
•

Based	on	the	1	to	10	scale,	are	you	noticing	any	symptom	improvement?


Improvement	may	be	subtle	at	first,	but	any	reduction	in	the	intensity	of	your
anxiety,	even	going	from	an	8	to	a	7,	is	an	improvement.	If	you	weren’t	as
successful	as	you’d	like,	try	things	differently.	Remind	yourself	that	you	want
this,	and	you	can	and	will	do	it.
STICKING

WITH	IT
It	takes	practice	to	integrate	new	anxiety-reduction	routines	into	your	habitual
thinking	and	day-to-day	life.	Perseverance	requires	that	you	do	not	beat
yourself	up	for	setbacks.	Any	time	we	make	a	change	or	learn	something	new,
we	experience	disappointments	and	obstacles.	Use	setbacks	as	learning	tools,
teaching	you	what	to	do	differently	next	time.	Then	start	again.
No	matter	what	the	moment,	the	day,	or	the	week	is	like,	the	key	is	to	not	give
up.	You	can	start	again	at	any	time.	Cultivate	patience	and	compassion	for
yourself.	You	are	brave	to	dedicate	yourself	to	changing	your	life.	You	will	be
rewarded	for	your	work!


What

You’ll	Learn	in	This	Section
Once	again,	call	to	mind	the	image	of	a	triangle	with	“Feelings”	in
one	corner,	“Behavior”	in	another,	and	“Thoughts”	in	the	third.	As
we’ve	seen,	working	in	any	corner	of	this	triangle	will	change	the
other	two.	In	this	section,	we’re	going	to	relieve	your	anxious,
repetitive	thought	patterns.	Anxious	thinking	means	you’re
frequently	flooded	by	repetitive	and	intrusive	thoughts.	You	wish
you	could	turn	your	mind	off,	but	the	catastrophic	or	worried
thoughts	just	keep	coming.	Feeling	mentally	on	edge	in	turn	fuels
anxious	feelings	and	avoidance	behaviors.
For	example,	imagine	receiving	an	invitation	to	a	friend’s
birthday	party.	You	might	immediately	think	something	like,	“No
one	is	going	to	talk	to	me	if	I	go.	I’ll	feel	awkward.”	If	you	have
that	thought	often
enough,

or	just	believe	it	enough,	you	might	end
up	skipping	the	party,	even	though	you	like	your	friend	and	don’t
want	to	miss	out.	Or	if	you	do	go	to	the	party,	your	anxious	thinking
might	nag	at	you	the	whole	time,	making	it	an	ordeal	instead	of	the
fun	experience	it	should	be.


fun	experience	it	should	be.
The	strategies	in	this	section	will	help	you	challenge	the	kinds
of	anxious	thoughts	that	interfere	with	your	quality	of	life.	The	key
thing	I	hope	this	chapter	teaches	you	is	that	you	can’t	believe
everything	you	think.	We’ll	explore	why	our	thoughts	often	need	to
be	challenged,	and	you’ll	learn	specific	strategies	that	can	be	used
to	do	just	that.


CH

APTER	EIGHT
Thoughts	vs.	Reality
Don’t	Believe	Everything	You	Think
You,	your	resilience,	and	your	capacity	for	growth	are	actually	much	stronger
than	your	anxious	thoughts—although	it	probably	doesn’t	feel	like	that	most
of	the	time.	For	the	anxious	mind,	a	flood	of	worry	can	rise	in	a	matter	of
minutes,	sweeping	you	away	to	a	place	where	what	began	as	a	passing
thought	becomes	in	your	head	an	absolute	truth.	If	you	watch	your	thoughts
carefully,	you	will	catch	yourself	jumping	to	extremes	and	generalizations.
Imagine	you	get	a	ticket	for	a	minor	fender	bender	and	then	you	have	the
thought,	“What	if	they	sue	me?”	Anxiety	quickly	evolves	that	thought	into,
“They
are

going	to	sue	me!”	Or	say	you	get	some	negative	feedback	at	work
and	have	the	thought,	“My	boss	sees	problems	with	my	work.”	Anxiety	steps
in,	and	the	thought
becomes,

“I’m	going	to	get	fired.”	Or	you	realize	your
mom	hasn’t	returned	your	phone	calls	and	you	wonder	why.	Anxiety	turns
wondering	into,	“She	must	have	had	an	accident.”	Or	you	realize	your	partner
hasn’t	returned	a	text	all	day	and	you	worry,	“My	partner	doesn’t	care	about


me	anymore,”	quickly	followed	by,	“He’s	leaving	me!”	This	pattern	of	taking
one	small,	worrisome	thought	to	an	extreme	can	also	be	initiated	by	a
physical	sensation:	“My	heart	is	beating	fast	…	I	must	be	having	a	heart
attack!”	There	are	all	sorts	of	frightening,	unlikely	places	your	anxious
thoughts	will	take	you—but	only	if	you	let	them!	Believe	it	or	not,	you	can
intervene	and	slow	this	process	down.
Imagining	catastrophes	and	worst-case	scenarios	is	emotionally	draining
and	keeps	us	from	being	fully	present	in	the	here	and	now.	But	we	can	learn
to	sort	our	thoughts	so	that	things	like	over-the-top	speculations	and	black-
and-white	thinking	are	moved	to	the	“discard”	pile,	at	least	until	you	have
solid	evidence	that	those	thoughts	are	realistic.	Start	sorting	helpful	from
unhelpful	thoughts	by	taking	a	little	time	(even	if	only	a	few	moments)	to
slow	down	and	become	aware	of	what	you’re	thinking	before	you	react.
When	we	slow	down,	we	create	space	to	observe	our	thoughts	and	see	if
they’re	as	realistic	as	they	might	seem	initially.	So	the	thought,	“I’m	going	to
get	fired”	becomes	“I’m	having	the	thought	that	I’m	going	to	get	fired.”	The


thought,	“My	girlfriend	is	breaking	up	with	me”	becomes	“I’m	having	the
thought	that	she’s
breaking

up	with	me.”	Taking	a	more	curious	and


observational	stance	makes	room	to	challenge	the	accuracy	of	your	thoughts
and	weigh	their	usefulness	to	you.
STRATEGY:	“THINKING	ABOUT”	VS.
“EXPERIENCING”
This	strategy	challenges	your	thoughts	in	a	new	way.	The	exercise	is	designed
to	help	you	distinguish	between	your	actual	experience	and	your
interpretation

of	what	you’re	experiencing.	When	we	observe,	not	overthink,
we	become	liberated	from	anxiety.
1.

Bring	all	your	attention	to	your	heartbeat.	Place	a	hand	on	your	heart.
Or	see	if	you	can	turn	your	awareness	inward	and	actually	feel	the
beating	within	your	chest.
2.

Distinguish	thoughts	from	experience.	Thoughts	might	be,	“I	can’t
find	my	heartbeat,”	or	“My	heart	is	beating	too	fast,”	or	“I	worry	I
have	a	heart	condition.”	Rather	than	judgment	or	analysis	of	your
heartbeat,	experience	your	heartbeat,	become	aware	of	its	rhythm.	How
does	it	feel	thumping	against	the	palm	of	your	hand?
3.

Like	finding	the	beat	in	a	song,	your	awareness	is	less	thought-focused
(“Did	I	get	that	lyric	right?”)	and	more	experience-focused	(“Thump,
thump,	thump.”).
4

.

Sense	your	chest	rising	and	falling	in	rhythm	with	the	sensation	of


Sense	your	chest	rising	and	falling	in	rhythm	with	the	sensation	of
your	heart’s	beating.	See	if	you	can	notice	how	your	heartbeat
decreases	as	you	observe	it	or	increases	as	you	become	caught	up	in
your	thoughts.
STRATEGY:

RECORD	YOUR	THOUGHTS
Keeping	a	record	of	your	thoughts	is	a	powerful	strategy	for	breaking	out	of
the	anxiety	spiral.	Instead	of	those	thoughts	going	around	and	around	in	your
head,	writing	is	a	way	to	examine	them	in	a	more	realistic,	less	emotional
light.	This	kind	of	reflection	puts	you	in	control	of	your	thoughts	instead	of
your	thoughts	controlling	you.	Then	you’re	no	longer	reacting	to	unrealistic,
over-the-top	thinking	that	only	ramps	up	your	anxiety.
Use	this	exercise	when	you	become	aware	you’re	experiencing	anxiety	so
you	can	get	better	at	catching	your	thoughts	early,	before	they	mushroom.
This	strategy	also	helps	when	revisiting	an	anxious	moment	after	the	fact.
Identify	a	situation/interaction/image/thought	stream	that	brings	about
anxiety	for	you.


•

What	is/was	the	hardest	thing	about	this	situation?
•

What	is/was	your	fear	in	this	situation?
•

What	is/was	your	imagined	worst-case	scenario?
•

What	thoughts	were	running	through	your	mind	during	the	event	or	after	or
even	now	as	you	revisit	it?
•

Rate	how	much	you	believe	each	of	these	thoughts.	(Use	a	1	to	10	scale,
with	1	being	you	don’t	believe	it	at	all,	and	10	being	you	believe	it
completely.)
Come	back	to	this	exercise	in	a	day	or	two,	or	even	a	few	hours,	and	revisit
how	much	you	believe	these	thoughts	now.
When	Your	Thoughts	Work	Against	You
When	we’re	caught	up	in	anxious	thinking,	our	thoughts
feel

entirely	real	and
accurate	and	so	they	keep	us	keyed	up.	In	truth,	the	anxious	mind	isn’t	so
good	at	differentiating	the	real	from	the	unreal.	In	this	virtual	world,	we	feel
as	anxious	and	frightened	as	we	would	if	our	fear	was	based	on	something
really	happening.	However,	in	reality,	nothing	terrible	is	going	on	and	there
may	be	little,	if	any,	chance	our	feared	scenarios	will	ever	happen.


There	are	a	number	of	biases	we’re	all	prone	to	that	intensify	anxiety.
Familiarizing	yourself	with	these	“errors	in	thinking”	will	help	you	catch
exaggerated	or	inaccurate	thought	patterns.	Here	are	a	few	of	the	more
common	ones:
All-or-nothing	thinking:

Things	are	all	good	or	all	bad;	you	are	perfect	or	a
failure.
Overgeneralizing:

If	something	negative	happens	in	one	situation	it	means	it
will	happen	in	all	future,	similar	situations.
Catastrophizing:

You	look	to	the	future	with	sweeping	negativity	and
forecast	disaster	instead	of	more	realistic	possibilities.
Labeling:

Applying	a	fixed,	global	label	on	yourself	or	others	without
including	any	context.	(“I’m	a	loser,”	“I’m	bad,”	“I’m	inadequate,”	“I’m	a
burden.”)
“Should”-ing	and	“must”-ing:

You	have	rigid	expectations	for	how	you
should

or
must

act,	and	when	these	unreasonable	expectations	aren’t	met,	you
forecast	horrendous	consequences.
Each	time	you	successfully	identify	an	error	in	thinking,	your	anxiety	will


decrease	because	you’re	able	to	see	the	situation	at	hand	more	realistically,	or
at	least	entertain	other	possibilities.
STRATEGY:	DOWNWARD	ARROW
TECHNIQUE
The	downward	arrow	technique	is	effective	for	identifying	what	deeper	belief
you	hold	about	yourself	that	is	triggering—and	driving—your	anxious
thoughts.	In	cognitive	behavioral	therapy,	core	beliefs	are	described	as	your
most	central	thoughts	about	yourself	and	the
meaning

you	ascribe	to	the
normal	difficulties	we	all	face.	When	a	core	belief	is	activated,	your	brain
switches	into	a	mode	in	which	you	take	in	only	information	that	supports	the
belief,	and	disregard	anything	that	may	challenge	it.	This	traps	you	in	a
feedback	loop	of	biased	thoughts	generated	by	that	core	belief.
When	you’re	caught	up	in	negative	core	beliefs,	it	becomes	difficult	to
think	realistically	about	the	events	in	your	life.	Learning	to	identify	and
challenge	our	core	beliefs	means	these	flawed	ideas	no	longer	make	decisions
for	us.
Negative	core	beliefs	typically	fall	into	two	general	categories:	beliefs
associated	with
helplessness

and	beliefs	associated	with
unlovability

.	See	if
any	of	the	examples	below	sound	familiar	to	you.
Examples	of	Helpless	Core	Beliefs
I’m	a	failure.


Examples	of	Helpless	Core	Beliefs
I’m	a	failure.
Nothing	I	do	will	make	a	difference.
I’m	helpless.
I’m	inadequate.
I’m	weak.
Examples

of	Unlovable	Core	Beliefs
I’m	unworthy.


I’m	bad.
I’m	unlikable.
I’m	unwanted.
I’m	not	good	enough.
The	downward	arrow	technique	helps	you	look	beneath	the	surface	of	your
anxious	thoughts	to	see	what’s	really	driving	them.	To	find	your	core	beliefs,
record	your	anxious	thoughts,	and	then	ask	yourself,	“If	that	thought	were
true,	what	would	it	mean	about	me	as	a	person?”
Let’s	use	Ava’s	anxious	thoughts	as	an	example:
“I’m	worried	I’m	not	going	to	complete	my	report	for	work	on	time.	I
second-guess	my	every	move.	I	literally	can’t	stop	obsessing	about	work	even
for	a	few	moments.”
Here	is	the	downward	arrow	technique:
What	does	it	mean	about	you	as	a	person	if	you	don’t	complete	the	report?
“

That	I’m	letting	my	team	down.”
What	does	it	mean	about	you	if	you	let	your	team	down?
“My	colleagues	won’t	respect	me.”
What	does	it	mean	about	you	if	your	colleagues	don’t	respect	you?
“That	I	failed.”
This	reflects	a	helplessness	core	belief.	Deep	down,	Ava	believes	she	is
inadequate	as	a	person.	Likely	she	is	underestimating	her	competence	(more
on	this	later).


Get	your	notebook	and	try	the	following	exercise	to	get	at	your	core
beliefs.
Identify	a	situation/interaction/image/thought	stream	that	brings	about
anxiety	for	you.
1.

Record	the	fearful/anxious	thoughts	you	have	about,	or	when	you’re
in,	the	situation/interaction/image/thought	stream	(or	revisit	what	you
logged	for	the
“Record	Your	Thoughts”	strategy

).
2.

For	each	thought	listed,	ask	yourself,	“If	this	thought	were	true,	what
does	it	mean	about	me	as	a	person?”
3

.

Each	time	you	understand	what	that	thought	means	about	you,	write	it
down.
4.

Then	ask	yourself	the	same	question	about	new	thoughts	listed:	“What
does	it	mean	about	me	as	a	person	if	this	thought	is	actually	100
percent	accurate?”	Then	do	the	same	for	the	next	new	thought.
Eventually	you	will	funnel	down	to	a	core	belief.
Let’s	look	at	another	example	of	the	technique	in	action,	this	time	with
Ahmed.	When	talking	with	others,	Ahmed	appears	calm	and	collected,	but
internally	he	is	evaluating	his	every	word.	While	on	a	date	or	social	outing,	he
believes	he	appears	awkward.	The	downward	arrow	technique	follows:


What	does	it	mean	about	you	as	a	person	if	your	date	thinks	you’re	awkward?
“I	messed	up.	I	lost	that	opportunity.”
What	does	it	mean	about	you	if	you	messed	up	an	opportunity	with	that	date?
“That	people	will	keep	giving	up	on	me.”
What	does	it	mean	about	you	if	people	keep	giving	up	on	you?
“

That	I	disappoint	people.”
What	does	it	mean	about	you	if	you	disappoint	people?
“That	no	one	is	going	to	want	me.”


This	reflects	an	unlovability	core	belief.	Deep	down,	Ahmed	believes	no	one
is	going	to	love	him.
After	you	use	the	downward	arrow	technique	with	a	number	of	your
anxious	thoughts,	you	will	see	certain	core	beliefs	showing	up	repeatedly.	The
next	step	is	to	start	challenging	these	deeply	rooted	ideas	you	carry	about
yourself.
STRATEGY:	TEST	YOUR	CORE	BELIEFS
In	this	exercise	I’m	going	to	push	you	out	of	your	comfort	zone	so	you	can
see	if	your	core	beliefs	are	as	accurate	as	they	feel	to	you.	I	want	you	to
literally	go	out	in	the	world	and	test	your	core	beliefs—see	if	they	actually
hold	up	to	reality.
If	you	realize	that	at	the	root	of	your	anxious	thinking	is	a	deep	fear	that
you’re	unlovable,	go	out	and	talk	to	others,	join	a	group,	make	a	point	to
spend	time	regularly	with	someone,	or	even	ask	close	others	if	they	like	you.
If	you	recognize	a	core	belief	that	you’re	incompetent/helpless,	go	out	and
take	on	a	new	but	doable	task:	Sign	up	for	a	class,
create

something,	clean
your	house,	organize	a	closet,	build	or	fix	something,	read	a	book	to
completion.
As	you	enter	the	situation,	insert	a	different	thought	(even	if	you	don’t	quite


believe	it	yet!).	It	could	be	as	simple	as	“I’m	capable,”	or	“I	can	be	liked.”
Be	open	to	new	information	and	to	what	you	might	be	overlooking	that
went	well	or	differently	from	how	you	expected.	Then	modify	your	beliefs
about	yourself	accordingly.
Go

Deeper
Identifying	Negative	Thought	Patterns
Developing	awareness	of	your	negative	thought	patterns	will	help	you
take	the	steps	needed	to	make	you	feel	better	sooner.	When	you	become
aware	that	you’re	experiencing	anxiety,	stop	and	take	stock.	Write	your
answers	in	your	notebook	so	you	can	delve	into	them.
•

What	is	a	scenario	that	is	anxiety-inducing	for	me,	including
situations,	interactions,	events,	and	images?
Example:	Every	time	my	boss	is	short	with	me,	I	withdraw	because	I	feel	anxious	and
worried	that	I’m	not	in	good	standing	at	work.


•

What	anxious	thoughts	am	I	having	(or	did	I	have)	about	this
scenario?
He	doesn’t	like	me.
He’s	going	to	give	me	less	work	and	make	me	unessential.
I’m	going	to	be	rendered	useless	at	work.
•

How	might	my	thoughts	be	distorted	(label	“errors	in	thinking”)?
Catastrophizing
Overgeneralizing
All-or-nothing	thinking
•

What	does	it	mean	about	me	as	a	person	if	my	most	fearful	thoughts
are	true?
I’ll	lose	my	job.
I’ll	be	embarrassed.
I	won’t	meet	work	goals.
People	will	know	I’m	incompetent.
•

What	core	belief	was	triggered?
Helplessness
•

How	can	I	test	out	my	core	belief	to	see	if	I’m	missing	some
information?
The	next	time	my	boss	is	short	with	me,	I	won’t	withdraw	but	instead	will	ask	questions
about	what	he’s	looking	for	to	see	if	I’ve	missed	anything.
What

Are	You	Worried	About?
Worry	impacts	our	emotions	in	a	big	way.	It	influences	what	we	do	and	how
we	feel	physically.	We	can	come	to	exist	in	an	exhausted,	tense-muscled	state.
This	hyperarousal	leads	to	irritability,	difficulty	sleeping,	and	eventually,	even
depression.


depression.
Here’s	a	common	example	I	see	often	in	my	psychology	practice:	A	client,
Emma,	had	a	repetitive	worry	that	she	was	in	danger	of	being	kicked	out	of
her	graduate	program.	Each	time	something	went	wrong	with	an	assignment
or	she	received	an	average	grade,	a	chain	of	uncontrollable	thoughts	would
ensue.	She	was	afraid	her	professors	thought	she	was	incompetent.	She
second-guessed	herself	in	class	and	when	she	spoke	out	was	extremely	self-
conscious.	Then	she	worried	about	what	the	other	students	thought	of	her.
Emma	believed	she	wasn’t	as	intellectually	competent	as	her	peers.	She
would	beat	herself	up	for	always	worrying:	“What’s	wrong	with	me?	I’m	so
crazy.	I	can’t	stop	worrying!”


No	matter	how	hard	Emma	worked	to	push	them	away,	the	worried
thoughts	kept	swirling	up,	again	and	again.	Even	peaceful	rest	was
impossible.	She	would	wake	in	the	middle	of	the	night	harried	by	her
concerns	and	then	be	unable	to	fall	back	to	sleep.	Exhausted	from	school	and
worrying,	she	didn’t	take	care	of	herself,	eat	right,	or	exercise	regularly.	As	a
result,	she	also	fretted
about

her	physical	health	and	began	to	think	she	had	a
serious	medical	illness.
We	all	worry	on	some	level,	but	it	becomes	disproportionate	when	it’s
persistent	and	uncontrollable.	When	this	happens,	we	lose	time	to	an	internal,
not	real-to-life	focus.	This	hyperinternal	focus	is	a	vortex	where	no	new
energy	or	perspectives	are	allowed	in.	The	vortex	distorts	reality	and	creates
greater	fear.
Excessive	worrying	is	not	problem-solving	and	is	not	productive.	In	fact,
the	exhaustion	and	emotional	depletion	actually	makes	us	less	productive.	We
aren’t	able	to	concentrate,	plan	accordingly,	and	make	the	best	use	of	our
energy	and	resources.	And	once	again,	we’re	robbed	of	the	present	moment.
We	typically	come	to	recognize	we’re	in	a	vortex	when	the	anxiety	is


intense.	At	this	point,	it	can	be	quite	difficult	to	escape.	The	quickest	solution
is	to	avoid	this	stage	altogether.	Developing	an	early	warning	awareness	that
reacts	before	anxiety	has	reached	high	intensity	protects	us	from	becoming
stuck	in	the	vortex.
STRATEGY:	IDENTIFY	YOUR	WORRY
TRIGGERS
Even	though	we	tend	to	worry	about	the	same	things	day	in	and	day	out,	we
persist	in	wasting	time	and	energy	considering	each	worry	that	pops	up	as	if	it
were
new

and	deeply	significant.	Our	worries	repeat	because	we	fail	to
problem	solve	and	cope	with	them	appropriately.	Identifying	the	larger	issues
your	worried	thoughts	trigger	means	you	can	switch	from	worried	thinking	to
problem-solving.
Below	is	a	list	of	the	more	common	larger	issues	that	individual	worries
tend	to	trigger,	and	example	steps/actions	to	take	to	address	each.	Identify	the
categories	your	worries	tend	to	fall	into	and	see	if	you	can	come	up	with	a
few	steps	to	take	for	each.
Financial
Actionable	step:

Develop	a	budget;	meet	with	financial	planner
Job/school
Actionable	step:

Enroll	in	a	class;	get	tutor


Achieving	goals
Actionable	step:

Review	expectations;	are	they	too	high,	too	low?
Parenting
Actionable	step:

Read	parenting	book;	take	parenting	class
Health	of	self
Actionable	step:

Get	yearly	medical	physical	with	blood	work
Health	of	others
Actionable	step:

Work	to	accept	uncertainty;	I	can	only	control	so	much
Relationships
Actionable	step:

Read	relationship	self-help	book
Diet/

exercise
Actionable	step:

Meet	with	nutritionist;	start	walking	twice	a	week
Self-image
Actionable	step:

Build	self-esteem	through	volunteering;	go	to	weekly	psychotherapy
General	safety	of	the	world/community	(politics,	terrorism,	environment)
Actionable	step:

Volunteer	for	political	candidate	who	espouses	my	beliefs
If	mentally	replaying	worries	made	you	feel	better,	you	wouldn’t	keep
hashing	out	the	same	old	sets	of	worries.	Shift	your	attention	from	specific
worried	thoughts	to	considering	how	you	could	take	an	actionable	step	toward
improving	the	larger	issue(s).
STRATEGY:	PROBABLE	VS.	POSSIBLE
OUTCOMES
When	we	are	caught	in	anxiety	quicksand,	each	and	every	worrisome	thought
may	seem	acute	and	reasonable.	Stress	hormones	are	released,	anxiety	builds,
and	it	becomes	difficult	to	distinguish	the


and	it	becomes	difficult	to	distinguish	the
probable

from	the
possible

.	Instead
of	repeating	the	same	concerns	over	and	over	in	your	head,	write	out	the
following	for	each	of	your	uneasy	thoughts:
•

What	is	the	worst	possible	scenario	that	I’m	afraid	of	happening	regarding
this	thought?
•

What	is	the	best	possible	scenario	that	I	wish	could	happen	regarding	this
thought?
•

What	is	a	realistic	scenario	that	will	likely	happen	regarding	this	thought?
You	can	be	at	peace.	Slow	down	and	train	your	mind	to	steer	away	from	far-
reaching	catastrophe	and	toward	thoughts	that	represent	the	realistic,	and	most
likely,	outcomes.


STRATEGY:	PRODUCTIVE	VS.
UNPRODUCTIVE	WORRY
Another	helpful	strategy	when	worry	thoughts	become	triggered	is	to	consider
how	productive	(useful,	helpful	in	your	life	or	to	you)	it	is	to	worry	about	that
particular	issue.	When	you	recognize	you’re	worrying,	classify	worried
thoughts	as	productive	or	unproductive	based	on	the	following	checklist.
Productive
□

My	worry	is	in	regard	to	a	specific	problem.
□

My	worry	is	about	something	I’m	going	to	have	to	deal	with	in	the	near
or	immediate	future.
□

I	have	some	control	over	the	situation’s	outcome.
□

I	can	make	a	choice	or	decision	that	will	solve	the	worry.
□

This	is	a	new	worry,	something	I	don’t	usually	think	about.
□

There’s	an	actionable	step	I	can	take	to	help	alleviate	my	worry.
Unproductive
□

I’m	worried	about	something	uncertain	in	the	future	that	no	one	knows
whether	it	will	occur.
□

I	have	no	control	over	this	worry.
□

I	think	about	possible	ways	to	deal	with	the	worry,	but	nothing	feels	good
enough.
□

I’m	obsessively	focused	and	can’t	stop	thinking	about	this	worry.
□


□

This	is	a	recurrent	worry	of	mine.
□

There	is	no	action	I	can	take	to	solve	this	worry.
If	your	worry	seems	to	fall	more	into	the	“unproductive”	category,	the	next
time	it	pops	up,	remind	yourself	that	it’s	okay	to	live	with	some	uncertainties.
In	fact,	it’s	impossible
not

to.	Remember	to	practice	acceptance	of	things	as
they	are.	On	the	other	hand,	if	your	worry	is	productive,	make	a	plan	for	how
you	want	to	problem	solve	the	situation	at	hand.	(There’s	more	on	problem-
solving	in
chapter	9

.)
Overgeneralizing	and	Underestimating
When	we	experience	normal	anxiety,	we	focus	on	the	immediate	concerns


and	challenges	that	no	one	is
immune

to,	e.g.,	“Thanksgiving	with	the	family
is	going	to	be	hard	to	get	through	this	year.”	The	highly	anxious	mind
compounds	these	difficulties	by	extending	them	out	across	time	and	over	a
variety	of	situations:	“Every	time	I’m	with	my	family,	I	get	stressed	out.”
Even	worse,	the	anxious	mind	convinces	us	that	we	won’t	be	able	to	cope
with	the	thing	we	dread:	“I	can’t	go	to	any	more	family	functions,	it’s	too
upsetting.”	As	a	result,	we	spin	our	wheels	trying	to	prevent	feared	situations,
emotions,	and/or	interactions	by	avoiding	people	and	events	that	don’t
actually	pose	a	real	threat.	Of	course,	in	reality,	there’s	only	so	much	control
we	have	over	the	course	of	events,	and	so	all	this	anxious	energy	results	in	us
feeling	at	the	mercy	of	life,	powerless,	and	desperate	to	find	relief.
When	we	overgeneralize,	we	develop	conclusions	about	ourselves,	our
emotions,	and	what	we	can	and	can’t	do	based	on	a	single	experience.	For
instance,	Carmen	found	out	she	didn’t	get	her	desired	work	promotion	and
concludes:	“I’ll	never	get	promoted.”	Nolan	had	a	couple	of	unfulfilling	dates
and	concludes:	“I’ll	never	meet	the	right	one.”


and	concludes:	“I’ll	never	meet	the	right	one.”
Overgeneralizing	causes	you	to	seal	the	deal	on	your	fate.	In	your	mind,
you	render	your	future	chances	of	success	or	getting	what	you	want	at	zero.
And	perhaps	most	importantly,	overgeneralizing	means	an	end	to	trying.	For
example,	if	you	stop	believing	you	will	ever	get	promoted,	you	stop	putting	in
the	extra	effort	at	work.
If

you	believe	you	won’t	find	a	romantic	partner,	you
stop	trying	to	engage	new	acquaintances	or	actively	date.
The	second	component	of	the	anxious	mind	is	that	we	underestimate	our
ability	to	cope	if	what	we	fear	actually	happens.	We	tell	ourselves	we	can’t
possibly	manage	the	frightening	situation	our	mind	is	generating:	“No	way,	I
wouldn’t	even	know	what	to	do,”	“I	won’t	be	able	to	deal	with	that,”	“That
would	kill	me,”	“I’d	go	crazy.”	In	the	face	of	a	possible	adversity,	we	imagine
ourselves	melting	into	a	puddle	of	anxious	fear.	This	reinforces	the
superstitious	notion	that	worry	itself	will	keep	us	safe:	“If	I	worry	enough,	I’ll
be	okay,”	“If	I	obsess	over	this	project,	I’ll	work	harder,”	“If	I	keep	myself


upset	and	on	edge	about	this,	I’ll	be	better	prepared	when	it	happens.”
This	pattern	can	be	broken.	You’re	capable	of	managing	far	more	than
you	imagine.	Just	because	you	don’t	want	to	deal	with	something,	or	it	may
be	hard	to	deal	with,	doesn’t	mean	you	can’t	be	effective.	You	have	already
managed	quite	a	bit	in	your	life.	You	just	do	it;	you	push	through	to	the	other
side.
Go

Deeper


Challenging	Overgeneralization
Perhaps	you’re	recognizing	some	of	your	anxious	thinking	represents
overgeneralization.	Nonetheless,	you	still	can’t	get	the	fear	or	thought
out	of	your	mind.	Start	challenging	those	overgeneralizations.	When	you
hit	a	setback,	ask	yourself	the	following	questions—and	write	your
responses	down,	if	you	can.
1.

Can	you	think	of	a	time	in	the	past	when	your	conclusion	has	not
been	true?
2.

Can	you	imagine	a	time	or	instance	in	the	future	when	your
conclusion	may	not	be	true?
3.

How	probable,	from	0	to	100	percent,	do	you	feel	it	is	that	the
fear	you’re	thinking	about	is	going	to	actually	happen?
4.

What	do	you	gain	by	believing	this	thought?	For	example,	do	you
believe	it	keeps	you	safe	in	some	way?
5.

What	consequences	may	come	from	believing	this	thought?	For
example,	will	you	give	up	trying	to	get	what	you	desire,	allowing
a	self-fulfilling	prophecy	to	result?
STRATEGY:

SPOT	OVERGENERALIZING
As	we’ve	seen,	our	worries	and	catastrophic	thoughts	often	repeat.	We
sometimes	have	new	ones,	but	generally	similar	ones	repeat	over	time	and


reflect	the	core	beliefs	we	hold	about	ourselves.	Open	your	notebook	back	to
the	thoughts	recorded	earlier	in	this	chapter.
Underline	or	put	a	checkmark	by	the	thoughts	that	reflect	a	tendency	to
overgeneralize.	Clues	that	you	might	be	overgeneralizing	include:
•

Taking	one	example	of	something	upsetting	and	believing	that	example
will	occur	again	and	again	in	a	variety	of	contexts.
•

Extreme	language:	“This
always

happens,”	“It	will
never

be	okay,”	“No
one	will
ever

like	me,”	“I’ll
never

win,”	“I	am
always

the	slowest,”	“I’m
the	dumb	one.”
•

When	you	hit	a	setback	or	receive	negative	feedback,	you	have	thoughts
about	giving	up	and	putting	less	effort	in	to	reach	your	goals.
STRATEGY:

STOP	UNDERESTIMATING	YOUR


COMPETENCE
Try	this	visualization	exercise:
1.

Think	through	one	of	your	more	upsetting	thoughts	or	worst-case
scenarios.	In	your	mind’s	eye,	play	out	the	details	of	what	you	fear	as	if
it	is	really	happening.	Imagine	where	you	are,	whom	you	are
interacting	with,	or	what	news	you’re	getting.
2.

Now	imagine	your	worst-case	blocks,	setbacks,	or	embarrassments,
but	visualize	yourself	effectively	coping	with	what	you’re	feeling	or
the	other	feared	obstacles.
3.

Instead	of	freaking	out,	giving	up,	or	becoming	painfully
uncomfortable	with	anxiety	or	fear,	you	stick	with	the	situation.	You
challenge	yourself	to	find	a	way	to	effectively	deal	with	your	biggest
fear.
4.

Imagine	you	use	a	strategy	(take	a	few	deep	breaths,	use	internal
supportive	language,	remind	yourself	of	your	larger	goals)	and	it
works.	You	show	yourself	that	you	can	cope.	You	find	a	way	through
the	circumstances	and	emerge	in	a	more	comfortable	and	thoughtful
place.
Practice	this	exercise	and	you	will	be	much	better	equipped	to	deal	with	the
real	thing.
WRAP-

UP
•

Become	an	observer	of,	not	a	reactor	to,	your	thoughts.
•


•

Keep	a	thought	record	to	develop	awareness	of	your	anxious-thought
patterns.
•

Make	anxious	thoughts	less	threatening	by	identifying	errors	in	thinking,
core	beliefs,	worry	triggers,	and	overgeneralizations.
•

Increase	your	awareness	for	problem-solving	versus	unproductive	worry.
•

When	anxious	about	a	future	possibility,	ask	yourself,	“Am	I
underestimating	my	competence	and/or	overgeneralizing?”


CH

APTER	NINE
Getting	Unstuck	from	Thoughts
Changing	Your	Self-Talk
Anxiety	increases	in	intensity	when	a	person’s	internal	narrative	is	filled	with
harsh	judgments	around	good	and	bad,	right	and	wrong.	What	we	say	to
ourselves	influences	how	we	think	about	ourselves,	what	we	communicate	to
others,	and	how	much	we	believe	in	our	competence	and	worth.	Anxiety	is
further	amplified	when	a	person’s	internal	narrative	is	overloaded	with
generalizations—always,	never,	forever,	everything,	nothing.	Consider	which
of	the	following	two	statements	is	laden	with	greater	intensity:
1.

“I	suck,	I’ll	never	get	a	life.”
2.

“I’m	lonely	and	need	to	work	on	building	social	skills.”
The

latter	is	hopeful.	It	acknowledges	the	emotion	but	also	identifies	a
specific	skill	that	could	be	developed	to	help	with	the	feeling	of	loneliness.
If	you’re	struggling	with	anxiety,	there’s	a	strong	chance	your	internal
commentary	is	overly	critical	and	harsh.	But	perhaps	your	anxious	thoughts
and	behaviors	about	situations	and	events	have	more	to	do	with	the	critical
reaction	you	anticipate	from	others,	and	less	to	do	with	the	situations
themselves.


themselves.
Imagine	a	friend	who,	every	time	you	hit	a	setback,	tells	you	what	you	did
to	cause	the	problem	and	reminds	you	of	all	the	times	in	the	past	you	did	the
same	“bad”	thing.	That	is	likely	how	you’re	treating	yourself.	People	who
make	us	feel	good	about	ourselves	and	comfortable	being	ourselves	are	the
ones	we	are	most	at	ease	with.	Start	relating	to	yourself	in	the	way	a	warm,
kind	friend	or	family	member	would.	Changing	the	voice	in	your	head	to	be
more	self-supportive	and	nurturing	will	give	you	a	bit	of	comfort—or
padding,	if	you	will—when	negative,	anxious	thoughts	kick	in.
STRATEGY:	BECOME	AWARE	OF	YOUR	SELF-
TALK
How	we	speak	to	ourselves	has	a	significant	impact	on	anxiety.	Yet	we	let	our
anxious	self-talk	play	out	again	and	again	on	autopilot.	Think	about	the
following
questions

regarding	your	self-talk	so	you	can	make	the	voice	in


your	head	more	nurturing	and	less	judgmental.
•

What	is	the	tone	of	your	internal	dialogue?	Is	it	loud	and	impatient,	or	is	it
warm	and	tolerant	of	what’s	going	on	with	you	and	your	immediate	world?
•

When	you’re	upset,	does	your	internal	voice	try	to	soothe	you?	Or	does	it
use	intense/judgmental	language	that	makes	you	feel	worse,	such	as,	“That
was	bad,”	“You	suck,”	“You’re	never	going	to	get	this	right,”	“People	hate
you,”	“You’re	a	loser.”
•

Does	your	internal	voice	take	away	your	moments	of	joy?	When	you’re
happy	or	feel	at	ease,	does	your	voice	intrude,	telling	you	things	you	need
to	work	on,	tasks	that	need	to	be	accomplished,	or	fearful	possibilities?
•

Are	there	certain	tasks,	hobbies,	or	people	that	bring	out	a	kinder,	warmer
side	of	you,	where	your	internal	voice	seems	softer,	less	critical?	If	so,	these
are	the	things	you	should	do	more	of	and	the	types	of	relationships	you
should	cultivate.	If	not,	experiment	with	different	activities	and	people	to
find	those	that	bring	out	your	softer	side.
Cultivate	your	capacity	for	ease	and	calm,	and	encourage	self-talk	that	is


compassionate	and	forgiving.	Self-compassion	means	showing	yourself	a
warm	understanding	of	your	perceived	inadequacies,	including
your

struggle
with	anxiety.	Forgiveness	means	voicing	a	kinder	internal	monologue	when
you	encounter	a	setback	or	notice	your	shortcomings.
STRATEGY:	PINK	UNICORNS
Write	a	few	sentences	about	developing	compassionate	self-talk	while	not
thinking	about	pink	unicorns.	Whatever	you	do,	stick	to	the	task	of	writing
about	developing	a	compassionate	internal	narrative,	but	make	sure	NOT	to
think	about	pink	unicorns.	Pink	unicorns	should	be	nowhere	in	your	mind
when	you	do	this	task.	Each	time	you	think	about	a	pink	unicorn,	mark	an	X
in	your	notebook.
How	did	it	go?	Were	you	able	to	not	think	of	pink	unicorns?	Probably	you
were	not	and	here’s	why:	Telling	ourselves	to	not	think	about	something	has
entirely	the	opposite	effect.	This	is	partly	why	it’s	so	frustrating	when	we’re
upset	and	a	well-meaning	friend	or	loved	one	says,	“Stop	thinking	about
that,”	or	“Everything	is	fine,	stop	worrying.”
Daniel	Wegner,	a	renowned	social	psychologist	in	thought	suppression	at
Harvard	University,	asked	lab	participants	to	verbally	share	their	thoughts


while	being	sure	to	not	call	to	mind	the	thought	of	a	white	bear.	The
participants	were	asked	to	ring	a	bell	each	time	they	thought	of	a	white	bear.
Even	though	they	were	instructed	to	push	away	the	thought,	on	average,	they


brought

to	mind	the	thought	of	a	white	bear	more	than	once	per	minute.
When	we	suppress	thoughts,	we	essentially	tell	ourselves	to	“stop	thinking
about	that!”	The	mind	then	monitors	itself	for	each	time	it	does	think	about
“that”	and	then	brings	“that”	to	our	conscious	awareness.	Instead	of
criticizing	yourself	to	stop	thinking	or	worrying	about	this	or	that,	consider
challenging	the	thoughts	that	bring	on	anxiety.
STRATEGY:	REPLACE	NEGATIVE	THOUGHTS
When	you	have	a	thought	that	keeps	repeating	in	your	internal	narrative,	pull
out	this	thought	record.
1.

What	triggered	the	thought?	What	were	you	doing	or	imagining	when
the	thought	occurred	to	you?
Example:

Considering	an	invitation	to	a	neighborhood	potluck.
2.

What	is	the	thought(s)	that	accompanies	this	trigger?
Example:

“No	one	will	talk	to	me.”	“I’ll	feel	like	an	outsider.”	“I’ll	feel
insecure.”
3.

Label	the	emotion(s)	you	feel	when	you	have	these	thoughts	and	the
intensity	of	each
emotion

on	a	scale	of	1	(less	intensity)	to	10	(extreme
intensity).
Example:

“Inadequate:	5,	weak:	6,	anxious:	9,	dread:	9.”
4.


4.

Is	there	anything	that	is	not	supportive	of	the	thought(s)	in	#2?
Example:

“They	invited	me	to	the	party,	so	someone	wants	me	there.”
“I	do	make	small	talk	with	the	neighbors	from	time	to	time.”	“I	live	in
the	same	neighborhood,	so	we	at	least	have	that	in	common.”
5.

Can	you	think	of	a	replacement	thought	that	might	be	less	negative	but
still	realistic?
Example:

“Even	if	people	aren’t	including	me	in	every	conversation,	I
was	invited,	and	I	live	in	the	same	neighborhood	so	I’m	not	a	total
outsider.”
6.

Revisit	the	feelings	listed	in	#3.	Rate	each	one	when	keeping	this	new
thought	in	mind.	Recognize	if	the	feeling(s)	decreased	in	intensity,
even	if	only	by	a	notch	or	two.
Example:

“Inadequate:	2,	weak:	5,	anxious:	7,	dread:	7.”
Each	time	the	negative	thought	enters	your	conscious	awareness,


compassionately	acknowledge	it:	“I	see	you,	negative	thinking.”	Then	bring
to	mind	a	more
realistic

thought:	“Well,	at	least	they	invited	me.”
Problem-

Solving
In	psychology,	the	tendency	to	work	through	negative	events	by	replaying
them	again	and	again	in	one’s	mind	is	called
rumination

.	Rumination	refers
to	internally	focusing	on	anxiety/upset,	as	well	as	all	the	reasons,	causes,
future	possibilities,	or	risks	that	could	occur	due	to	this	distress.	An	example
might	be	sitting	alone,	thinking	about	feeling	behind	your	peers	academically
and	employment	wise.	Then	your	mind	turns	to	worrying	the	situation	will
never	improve	and	imagining	a	future	of	always	feeling	inadequate	and
professionally	lacking.	Next,	you	self-criticize	about	why	this	happened	in	the
first	place.	And	then	you	may	begin	to	look	for	ways	to	avoid	people	who
might	ask	questions	about	what	you	do	for	a	living	or	where	you	went	to
college.
Many	people	worry	because	they	believe	they	are	problem-solving	and
engaging	in	a	constructive	process	about	the	issues	they	face.	Reminding
yourself	of	what	is	or	could	be	of	concern	comes	to	be	seen	as	a	way	of
avoiding	denial	and	catastrophe.


avoiding	denial	and	catastrophe.
In	fact,	rumination	is	essentially	a	passive	process	that	leads	only	to	more
anxious	thinking.	Overthinking,	alone	in	your	mind,	leaves	no	room	for	other
perspectives	or	effective	problem-solving.
Go

Deeper
Brainstorming
Take	a	more	active,	direct	approach	to	working	through	your	worries.
Brainstorming	is	a	technique	whereby	you	take	the	pressure	off	yourself
by	acknowledging	that	there	is	no	“correct”	decision	to	make	or	a	“right”
way	to	solve	your	issue.
1.

Pick	an	issue	that	you	worry	about	on	a	regular	basis	or	a	new
worry	that	has	come	to	mind.	Write	down	a	few	sentences	about
the	area	of	concern.
2.

Now	write	down	as	many	ideas	as	you	can	think	of	for	how	you
could	manage	the	issue.	Pay	no	mind	to	how	outlandish	or
impractical	the	ideas	might	be.	There	are	no	rules	other	than	to	let
the	creative	juices	flow.


3.

The	goal	here	is	to	open	up	your	process	and	escape	repetitive
thought	patterns.	In	fact,	try	to	think	of	ridiculous	solutions.	This
can	actually	reduce	the	seriousness	you	may	feel	about	the
particular	worry.	One	client	I	worked	with	was	struggling	with
how	to	deal	with	a	difficult	roommate	and	came	up	with
the
thought,	“Every	time	she	annoys	me	I’m	going	to	make	a	joke.”
At	first	this	seemed	silly	to	her,	but	the	idea	worked	because	it
decreased	her	tension	and	helped	her	not	take	the	roommate	so
seriously.
4.

Once	you	have	a	number	of	various	solutions,	think	how	each
possible	solution	would	help	or	hinder	the	problem.	Some	things
will	feel	impossible	and	others	will	feel	as	if	they	barely	help.
Pick	one	that	is	reasonably	doable.
5.

Then	take	an	actionable	step;	actively	do	something	to	relieve
your	anxiety	over	this	particular	issue.
STRATEGY:

UN-LEARN	HELPLESSNESS
Whenever	you	find	yourself	anxious	or	worried,	notice	if	you’re	feeling	that
life	and	others	are	against	you.	Even	if	your	blame	is	warranted,	wallowing	in
it	is	not	going	to	help	you	achieve	your	goals	or	make	you	feel	any	better.


What	will	help	you	feel	better	is	focusing	on	what	is	within	your	control.
Letting	go	of	feeling	at	the	mercy	of	life	or	circumstance	creates	a	feeling	of
safety	and	calmness.	Here	is	a	way	to	no	longer	face	hardship	with
helplessness:
1.

Pick	an	anxious	thought	or	worry	trigger.
2.

Recognize	the	thoughts	that	keep	you	in	a	helpless	state	over	this
particular	worry:	“I’ll	never	find	a	way,”	“It	will	always	be	like	this.”
3.

Come	up	with	three	actionable	steps	you	can	take	and	that	are	within
your	control.
4.

Take	action.
For	example,	Layla	was	anxious	about	an	upcoming	wedding	she	had	to
attend.	She	had	lost	touch	with	many	of	the	folks	invited	to	the	wedding	and
felt	overwhelmed	by	worries	over	what	they	would	think	of	her	and	how	she
would	be	socially	on	the	outside.	In	order	to	move	away	from	wallow	and
worry	toward	healthy	control,
she

asked	herself	what	she	could	do	to	improve
the	situation.


•

Reach	out	to	old	friends	before	the	wedding.	Text,	call,	write	a	note.
Layla	connected	a	bit	before	the	event	and	even	video	chatted	with	one	friend.
•

Imagine	the	day	going	the	way	you	would	like	it	to.
Layla	visualized	herself	the	day	of	the	wedding	being	present	and	in	the
moment.	She	imagined	awkward	encounters,	or	even	feeling	on	the	outside,
but	in	her	visualization,	she	was	able	to	cope	and	manage	the	situation
effectively.	She	visualized	feeling	proud	of	herself	at	the	end	of	the	event.
•

Practice	deep	breathing,	yoga,	or	mindfulness	meditation.
Layla	practiced	mindful	breathing	for	10	minutes	a	day	leading	up	to	the
event.
IMPORTANT	NOTE:

An	actionable	item	can	be	accepting	a	situation	as	it	is	and	doing
nothing.	Then	each	time	the	fear	comes	to	mind,	practice	acceptance	instead	of	rumination.
STRATEGY:

COST-BENEFIT	ANALYSIS	(OF
YOUR	ANXIOUS	MIND-SET)
Sometimes,	clearly	seeing	the	consequences	for	you	of	a	worried	mind-set
can	motivate	you	to	let	go	of	the	worry	and	come	back	to	the	present	moment.
With	this	goal	in	mind,	conduct	a	cost-benefit	analysis	of	how	beneficial	it	is


to	you	to	continue	to	experience	anxiety	over	whatever	it	is	you’re	ruminating
or	obsessing	on.	Write	out	the	consequences	and	benefits	of	worrying	about	a
specific	issue.
Example:
Costs	to	keeping	anxiety	a	focus
I’m	removed	from	the	present.
I	feel	bad.
I’m	keyed	up	and	physically	ill	at	ease.
I’m	stuck.
Benefit

to	keeping	anxiety	a	focus
I	won’t	be	surprised	if	the	bad	thing	I	worry	about	happens.


I	will	be	vigilant,	which	protects	me.
Decide	which	cost	you’re	most	willing	to	accept	and	which	option	brings	you
closer	to	your	long-term	goal	of	having	more	peace	and	less	anxiety	in	your
life.
NOTE:

It	can	be	quite	effective	to	examine	the	costs	and	benefits	after	anxiety	has	lessened.
Once	the	intensity	decreases,	your	brain	has	the	bandwidth	to	problem	solve	and	take	on	a
broader	perspective.
You	Are	Not	Your	Thoughts
While	visiting	an	amusement	park	with	my	young	son,	I	became	highly
anxious	over	his	enthusiastic	desire	for	me	to	accompany	him	on	an	old,
rickety	roller	coaster.	As	he	happily	pulled	me	into	the	line,	worried	thoughts
gripped	me:	“It’s	rickety	and	old,	what	if	it	jumps	the	track?”	“What	if	the
harness	breaks	when	it	goes	upside	down?”	“What	if	the	safety	mechanisms
fail?”	“What	if	they	haven’t	kept	up	with	standards	and	regulations?”	“What
if	…	What	if	…	What	if	…	”	Within	a	matter
of

minutes,	I	fully	believed
catastrophe	would	strike	if	we	rode	the	roller	coaster.	I	wanted	to	stop	us	both
from	taking	the	plunge.
Suddenly,	as	if	waking	from	a	trance,	I	saw	the	ride	operator	open	the


door	to	our	roller	coaster	car	and	we	hopped	aboard.	As	the	machine
accelerated,	the	fearful	thoughts	began	to	retreat	into	the	background	of	my
awareness.	There	was	an	opening	now	for	more	than	worry.
I	became	aware	of	my	son’s	liveliness	and	pure	elation.	Seeing	him	throw
his	hands	up	in	the	air,	laughing	and	smiling.	I	felt	it,	too;	it	was	exhilarating
to	go	against	my	fearful	thoughts.	The	thoughts	were	not	gone,	but	I	was	no
longer	a	captive	of	them.	I	was	energized.	I	was	present.	I	was	in	the	moment.
I	was	a	person	who,	along	with	worried	thoughts,	was	having	a	thrilling,
memorable	experience.
Similar	to	watching	an	engrossing	movie,	a	particular	thought	stream	has
the	potential	to	pull	us	in	so	entirely	that	there	is	no	“us”	separate	from	those
thoughts.	The	thoughts	become	all-powerful,	making	choices	for	us,	limiting
our	experiences,	telling	us	what’s	right	and	what’s	wrong.	It’s	only	through
breaking	the	trance	that	we	can	come	to	see	the	nature	of	things	as	they	truly
are.
Our	brains	supply	us	with	an	inordinate	number	of	thoughts,	many	of
which	are	unhelpful	and	even	downright	inaccurate.	Taking	each	one


seriously	would	be	like	visiting	a	beautiful	beach	and	spending	the	entire	time


counting	the	grains	of	sand.
Perhaps

up	until	this	point,	you’ve	not	even	considered	your	thoughts	as
anything	other	than	a	literal	reflection	of	your	reality.	When	a	thought	enters,
you	take	it	seriously.	You	feel	it,	you	worry	about	it,	and	perhaps	even	begin
to	plan	based	on	it.	Accepting	thoughts	at	face	value	leads	to	fusing	your
identity	with	whatever	you’re	thinking	in	a	particular	moment.
There	should	be	a	space	between	you,	the	observer	you,	and	the	thoughts
your	mind	drops	on	you.	You’re	not	your	thoughts.	You’re	the	leader,	the
conductor,	the	captain—the	one	who	oversees	and	observes—your	thought
stream.
STRATEGY:

BECOME	AN	OBSERVER
Observing	your	thoughts	and	feelings	is	similar	to	standing	on	a	high	rock	to
watch	the	sea	and	reflect	on	its	many	changes.	You	notice	the	ocean	waves,
turbulent	at	times,	peaceful	at	others,	and	often	somewhere	in	the	middle.
From	the	safety	of	your	rock	it’s	easy	to	label	what	you’re	observing.	You	do
not	experience	yourself	as	the	changes.	You	are	the	one	noticing	the	changes.
Even	in	a	hurricane,	the	sea	eventually	becomes	calm	again.	Observe


yourself.	Recognize	that	even	though	your	brain	might	be	spinning	with
various	anxiety-based	scenarios,	it	will	eventually	return	to	a	more	peaceful
pattern.	And	a	peaceful	brain	will	inevitably	become
unsettled

again.	The
feelings	or	thoughts	that	dominate	the	mind	moment	by	moment	eventually
evaporate	to	be	replaced	by	new	feelings	and	thoughts.	Such	is	the	nature	of
the	mind.
1.

Sit	quietly.	Imagine	the	observing	part	of	yourself	as	separate	from
your	thoughts	and	emotions.
2.

Notice	the	direction	your	mind	roams	and	the	accompanying	physical
sensations	in	your	body.
3.

Perhaps	you	notice	tension	in	your	chest,	sweaty	palms,	or	you	have	a
headache.
4.

Label	these	specific	sensations	without	merging	your	identity	or	sense
of	self	with	them.	For	example,	“I	notice	tension	and	worry	coming
over	me”	as	opposed	to	“I’m	a	nervous	wreck.”
If	you	keep	practicing,	you’ll	find	that	thoughts,	emotions,	and	sensations
pass,	only	to	be	replaced	by	others.	Calm	invariably	returns.	Your	thoughts
will	not	frighten	you	when	you	recognize	that	they	are	temporary	and	not	a
direct	reflection	of	reality.


Go

Deeper
The	Anxiety	Struggle
Cultivate	your	capacity	for	ease	and	calm	by	seeing	the	bigger	picture	of
how	much	your	struggle	with	anxiety	has	come	to	limit	and	define	you.
Write	a	paragraph	about	your	anxious	identity.	How	does	your	struggle
with	anxiety	influence	who	you	are	as	a	person?	How	did	your	anxiety
struggle	start	and	what	perpetuated	your	anxiety	over	time?	How	do	you
feel	your	anxiety	will	hold	you	back	in	life?	What	kind	of	person	do	you
see	yourself	as,	as	a	result	of	your	anxiety	struggle?
You	can	let	this	struggle	go.	Consider	how	your	identity	would	shift	if
you	were	able	to	better	cope	with	your	anxiety.
Write	a	second	paragraph,	again	with	the	realities	of	what	you	have
endured	but	this	time	within	the	context	that	you	have	given	up	the
struggle	with	anxiety.	You	accept	your	anxiety;	it	is	what	it	is.	At	the
same	time,	imagine	you	have	found	ways
to

manage	and	effectively	cope.
You	are	able	to	experience	joy,	be	present,	and	connect	with	others.	What
kind	of	person	would	you	see	yourself	as	if	anxiety	no	longer	dominated
your	life?
Our	sense	of	our	ability	to	grow	changes	depending	on	how	we	perceive


our	circumstances.	Start	seeing	yourself	as	someone	who	can	(like
countless	others!)	recover	from	anxiety.
STRATEGY:

TRAIN	STATION
This	strategy	helps	you	observe	and	be	aware	of	your	experience	without
becoming	overwhelmed	by	it.
1.

Imagine	yourself	safely	on	an	elevated	platform	in	the	middle	of	a
large	train	station.	You	have	a	bird’s-eye	view	of	each	track	and	see
each	train	as	it	enters	and	leaves	your	station.	You	see	some	trains
reenter	the	station	after	just	a	few	minutes.	Other	trains	take	longer	to
reenter,	while	others	don’t	come	back	at	all.	Some	trains	stick	around
for	a	bit	before	they	head	back	out	of	the	station.	Other	trains	leave
immediately	after	arriving.
2.

Imagine	your	thoughts	as	these	trains.	You	are	the	one	safely


observing	the	thoughts	come	and	go.	Some	thoughts	linger,	others
leave	quickly.	You	have	no	control	or	urgency	or	job	responsibility
around	this	other	than	to	be	aware	of	your	thoughts	as	you	would	the
trains	entering	and	exiting	the	station.
3.

Similar	to	“red	train”	or	“green	train,”	see	if	you	can	label	each	train
(thought)	as	it	comes	in	and	out	of	the	station	(your	mind).	Without
judgment	or	criticism,	list	in	your	notebook,	or	say	aloud,	the	thoughts
that	come	through	your	station.	See	if	you	can	group	the	thoughts	into
larger	categories:	“worried	thoughts,”	“catastrophic	thoughts,”
“

family
thoughts,”	“self-esteem	thoughts,”	“future	thoughts,”	or	“work
thoughts.”	Each	time	you	label	a	thought	as	belonging	to	a	certain
category,	that	thought	becomes	less	persuasive	and	less	significant.
Test	Your	Predictions
Do	you	ever	wonder	why	we	tend	to	put	our	attention	more	into	negative
thoughts	than	positive	ones?	Or	why	we	can	still	remember	a	critical
comment	or	upsetting	interaction	weeks	or	even	years	after	the	event?	The
“negativity	bias”	is	the	term	used	to	describe	the	fact	that	undesirable


thoughts,	emotions,	and	interactions	have	a	greater	impact	on	how	we	feel
than	do	positive	or	neutral	events.	In	fact,	research	shows	that	people	are
much	better	at	remembering	negative	versus	positive	things,	including	angry
versus	happy	faces,	and	take	more	time	and	mental	energy	processing
negative	events	than	positive	ones.	This	bias	is	part	of	our	evolutionary
wiring.	From	a	survival	standpoint,	the	cost	of	overlooking	a	negative	is	far
greater	than	the	cost	of	overlooking	a	positive.	Consider	the	early	man	who
overlooks	a	bush	loaded	with	edible	berries.	He	will	probably	survive	the
mistake,	but	if	he	fails	to	look	over	his	shoulder	to	see	a	stalking	wolf	pack,
he	may	not.
You	can	see	how	negativity	bias	helped	our	ancestors	survive.	But	in
today’s	world,	when	few	of	us	face	real	threats	in	our	daily	lives,	this	bias	can
result	in
lots

of	needless—and	exhausting—worry.	When	we	become	overly
anxious,	the	negativity	bias	is	often	the	behind-the-scenes	culprit.	We	scan
our	environment	and	ourselves	for	possible	threats	and	then,	without
thoughtful	reflection,	make	improbable	forecasts	of	bad	outcomes.
You	can	break	away	from	the	habitually	unhelpful	ways	you	see	yourself


and	your	world	by	turning	each	negative	thought	into	a	prediction	to	be	tried
out	and	tested.
STRATEGY:	WHAT’S	YOUR	ANXIETY


TELLING	YOU?
When	you	experience	anxious	thinking,	it	likely	stops	you	in	your	tracks
because	you	take	it	as	a	signal	or	even	a	command	for	you	to	worry	and
ruminate.	This	may	be	your	negativity	bias	operating	at	full	tilt.
What	if	the	anxious	thinking	is	not	a	signal	to	stop	and	wring	your	hands
but	rather	a	sign	that	something	you	really	care	about	or	desire	is	at	stake?
When	you	recognize	you’re	making	anxious	predictions,	complete	the
following	statements	to	see	what	might	be	on	the	other	side	of	the	anxiety	for
you	and	then	test	out	your	prediction.
1

.

Write	down	an	anxious	prediction	(or	thought).
Example:

“If	I	drive,	I’ll	have	a	panic	attack.	Yet	I	haven’t	seen	my
mother	in	a	long	time.	I	worry	all	the	time	about	why	I	can’t	drive.	I
also	beat	myself	up	for	being	so	weak.”
2.

Write	down	why	this	matters	to	you.
Example:

“I	want	to	visit	my	elderly	mother	and	spend	time	with	her.
She	lives	in	a	nursing	home	over	an	hour	away,	so	I	have	to	drive.	I’ve
already	missed	out	on	so	much	time	with	her,	but	I	can’t	deal	with	the
panic.”
3.

Write	down	strategies	that	might	help	you.
Example:


Write	down	strategies	that	might	help	you.
Example:

Practice	progressive	muscle	relaxation,	deep	breathing,
guided	imagery	(imagine	driving	and	being	able	to	cope	and	arrive
safely).	Practice	positive	self-talk	(“I	can	and	I	will	drive	and	see	her”).
4.

Test	out	the	anxious	prediction;	see	if	your	hypothesis	was	accurate.
Example:

“I	drove	to	my	mom’s	nursing	home	and	I	was
uncomfortable	but	did	not	lose	control	and	did	not	have	a	panic	attack
and	I	got	to	see	my	mom!”
Here	are	specific	ways	to	test	common	anxious	predictions	so	you	can	start
working	on	yours.
WHAT	ANXIETY

TELLS	YOU
HOW	TO	TEST	IT
I’m	afraid	the	airplane	will	crash
and	I	will	die.
Practice	relaxation	exercises,	visualization,	deep
breathing	and	then	take	a	flight.
I’m	worried	about	people	not	liking
me,	and	being	rejected.
Go	to	a	party,	work	event,	neighborhood	function,	and
try	to	interact	with	people.	Ask	questions;	don’t	let
yourself	recede	into	a	corner.


I’ll	never	be	successful.
Take	on	a	new	class,	work	project,	hobby.	Build
something,	take	care	of	a	plant,	start	a	garden.
I’ll	never	be	loved.
Ask	family	if	they	love	you	(it	still	counts	even	if	it’s
family!).	Or	become	a	pet	owner;	pets	provide
unconditional	love	to	many.
The	world	is	against	me.
Notice	the	little	things:	light	traffic,	good	weather,	a	kind
person	helping	you	in	some	way.	Catch	the	world	when
it’s	being	good	to	you.
I’m	useless.
Do	something	that	makes	you	feel	competent:	build	a
garden,	take	care	of	an	elderly	person	or	a	child,	offer	to
help	someone	in	your	neighborhood,	clean	your	place	of
residence,	clean	your	car,	plan	an	activity	of	some	sort
and	follow	through.
Now

take	one	of	your	anxious	predictions,	remind	yourself	of	why	it	matters
to	you	that	you	work	through	it,	pick	a	strategy	that	will	help	you,	and	go	out
in	the	world	and	test	it	out!
WRAP-

UP
•

Train	the	voice	in	your	head	toward	self-compassion	and	self-acceptance.
•

Replace	anxious	and	negative	thoughts	with	realistic	thoughts.
•

Make	goals	and	take	actionable	steps	to	lessen	anxious	rumination.
•


•

Go	out	in	the	world,	test	out	your	anxious	predictions,	and	see	if	they’re
accurate.


CH

APTER	TEN
Putting	the	Tools	to	Work
Whether	you’ve	struggled	with	anxiety	all	of	your	life,	or	if	this	is
your	first	time,	you’ve	likely	had	hopeless	moments	along	the	way.
Your	anxious	thinking	may	make	you	doubt	your	ability	to	progress.
It’s	no	wonder	you	feel	this	way,	because	anxiety	can	become	like	a
part	of	your	identity,	or	a	shadow	you	simply	can’t	shake.	Here	are
ways	to	take	the	strategies	you’re	reading	about	and	form	longer-
term	habits	that	will	lead	you	away	from	hopeless	thinking	and
toward	the	satisfying	life	you	want	and	deserve.
From

Strategies	to	Habits
If	you	continue	to	cultivate	your	skills	for	finding	ease	and	calm	when	anxiety
is	triggered,	eventually	your	anxiety	patterns	will	begin	to	break,	and	in	the
spaces	that	open	up	you	can	cultivate	new	habits	of	thinking	and	responding.
It’s	important	to	remember	that	changing	the	brain’s	wiring	takes	time	and
consistent	practice.	It’s	just	when	we	think	we	can’t	take	it	anymore	and	want
to	give	up	that	we	make	our	biggest	gains.	Eventually,	for	longer	and	longer
periods	of	time,	you’ll	forget	that	you’re	practicing	healthy	coping.	Instead,
you’ll	enjoy	the	breeze	on	your	face	and	the	experience	of	living	in	this	life
now.


now.
Consider	what	can	come	if	you	continue	to	do	this	work.	Perhaps	your
baseline	anxiety	level,	what	you	feel	most	of	the	time,	was	at	a	6	on	a	1	to	10
scale	(1	is	entirely	relaxed	and	10	is	full	anxiety	meltdown).	Once	these
strategies	become	habits	you’ll	find	that	your	baseline	drops,	so	now	perhaps
it	is	more	like	a	3	or	a	4.	This	is	a	marked	difference	and	is	the	payoff	for	all
your	effort.	Once	your	overall	anxiety	level	decreases,	even	if	only	by	a	few
notches,	it	will	become	even	easier	and	faster	to	successfully	challenge
distressing	thoughts	and	repetitive	thinking.
Take	a	moment	as	you	conclude	this	section	to	tune	into	your	internal
voice.	Is	it	chastising	you	that	you	should	do	more	or	reminding	you	of	what
you	are	doing	wrong	or	criticizing	your	lack	of	commitment?	Remember,	you
do	not	have	to	do	anything	written	in
this

book.	There	is	not	a	“right”	or
“wrong”	or	“should”	or	“shouldn’t”	approach	to	take	you	out	of	your	anxiety


struggle.	What
will

take	you	out	of	it	is	making	a	choice	for	yourself.	Do	you
want	to	live	in	a	different	way?	You	would	not	be	engaging	these	strategies	on
any	level	if	the	answer	wasn’t	yes.	So	make	a	commitment	to	yourself	to
work	on	your	anxiety	each	day,	no	matter	how	small	the	effort.	When	you
miss	a	day,	just	pick	right	back	up,	no	judgment,	no	criticizing,	just	pure,
clear,	persistent	determination.
Planning
Review	the	planning	you	started	in	chapter	4	(
here

)	and	revised	in	chapter	7
(
here

).	Reconsider	how	well	your	planning	system	is	working.	Have	you
followed	through	with	the	plans	you	made	for	yourself	regarding
implementing	the	strategies?
Consider	adding	to	your	planning	approach	a	couple	of	reminders	each
day	on	your	phone	or	digital	calendar.	You	might	have	the	reminder	“breathe”
in	order	to	stay	relaxed	and	mindful.	Or	the	reminder	“positive	self-talk”	to	be
aware	of	how	you’re	speaking	to	yourself	in	your	own	head.
Review	what	you	learned	in	the	last	two	chapters.	Identify	which
strategies	you	want	to	incorporate	into	your	current	plan.	Try	to	do	your
anxiety	work	at	the	same	time	or	times	each	day.	A	precise	time	provides	a


cue	for	the	brain	that	will	hasten	the	“neurons-that-fire-together-wire-
together”	process.
Track

Your	Progress
One	of	the	most	powerful	ways	to	make	a	new	behavior	into	a	habit	is	to	track
what	you’re	doing.	It’s	essential	to	long-term	progress	that	you	set	up	a
system	where	you	track	on	a	daily	basis	the	strategies	you’re	using,	and	the
intensity	of	your	anxiety.	As	we’ve	seen	previously,	you	can	quickly	and
easily	track	progress	with	a
chart

you	sketch	out	in	your	notebook.	Take	a
look	at	the	example.
STRATEGY
MON
TUES
WEDS
THURS
FRI
SAT
SUN
“Thinking	about”	vs.
“Experiencing”
✓
Record	Your	Thoughts
Downward	Arrow
Technique
✓
Test	Your	Core	Beliefs
Identify	Your	Worry
Triggers
✓


Probable	vs.	Possible
Outcomes
✓
Unproductive	vs.
Productive	Worry
Spot	Overgeneralizing
✓
Stop	Underestimating
Your	Competence
Become	Aware	of	Your
Self-Talk
Pink	Unicorns
Replace	Negative
Thoughts
✓
Un-Learn	Helplessness
Cost-Benefit	Analysis
✓
Become	an	Observer
Train	Station
What’s	Your	Anxiety
Telling	You?
Rate	Your	Anxiety	on	a
1	to	10	Scale
3
7
9
2
7
5
3
Each	day,	check	any	and	all	strategies	you	use	from
chapters	8

and
9

,	or
make	a	version	of	this	table	based	on	the	strategies	most	useful/applicable	to
you.	Also,	be	sure	to	rate	your	anxiety,	using	a	1	to	10	scale,	with	1	being
entirely	relaxed	and	10	being	full	anxiety	meltdown.
Goal

Setting
Struggling	with	anxiety	can	feel	like	fighting	the	ocean’s	current.	We	spend	so
much	time	working	to	stay	afloat	that	we	don’t	have	the	energy	left	to	focus
on	actually	getting	somewhere.	Operating	in	survival	mode	has	some	negative
consequences,	especially	when	it	comes	to	anxiety	management.	First	and
foremost,	survival	mode	doesn’t	lead	to	long-term	progress	in	terms	of
consistently	escaping	the	torment	of	anxiety.	Also,	survival	mode	keeps	us


stuck	in	a	mental	state	where	we’re	neither	fully	present	nor	able	to	enjoy	the
things	we	cherish	most.
Take	a	break	from	treading	water.	Imagine	yourself	safely	on	a	boat,	even
if	only	for	a	few	moments.	From	this	vantage	point,	you	can	observe	your
anxiety	spiral	without	becoming	entirely	engulfed	by	it.	With	this	perspective