September | 2010 | All who wander...
“For the first few months it hurt so much I couldn’t breathe.
I felt no one could possibly have experienced pain the way
I have. When I opened my eyes in the morning I couldn’t
imaigne how I’d get to the end of a day without you. It
felt like my heart had broken in a way no one else’s
heart had ever broken. I felt lost. Pointless.
Nie heeltemal soos verlang nie
In die laeveld verlang ek na jou
is dit amper asof daar vrede is
Amper soos rus
Amper asof die wereld weer kan sin maak
kan ek al’s wat gedoen is
en die woorde wat
tussen ons geval het
vir ewig uitvee
of ons sin maak nie
net die bome
Amper asof hierdie die regte wereld is en alles anders net fiksie
Amper asof ek weer vir jou kan lief wees
Om niks te voel nie
Jy lyk verbaas oor die vuur in my oe
Onthou jy nie hoe jy stukkie vir stukkie
die son uit elke hoekie van my dag
kom uitvee het nie?
Onthou jy nie
hoe jy die donker skadu
oor elke oomblik laat sak het en
hoe jy ‘n swart wolk in elke woord
en elke asem
en elke oggend
kom gooi het nie?
Onthou jy hoe ek dit skaars tot by my voordeur kon maak
sonder om plat teen my teelvloer te val
en met my wang teen die grond
in die stilte in te bly snik?
Onthou jy nie hoe ek voor God
om net ‘n stukkie van my pyn weg te neem
dat sy ook dalk sou seerkry, sou val
of dalk erger
dat julle ‘n oomblik van my pyn
Jy lyk verbaas oor die ys in my oe
Onthou jy hoe ek later niks meer
kon voel nie?
Jy was mos nie meer daar nie
Because you’ve been me
Of course you have an opinion.
Of course you’ve been 26, unmarried, with no prospects.
Of course you’ve seen the things I’ve seen and heard the things I’ve heard.
Of course you’ve felt exactly the way I feel and had the same experiences I’ve had.
Of course you’ve loved like me, lost like me and cried like me.
Of course you’ve laughed like me.
Of course you have my background, seen the world I do and experience the same temptations I do.
Of course you’re allowed to judge my life
in different skin
Some were tall, some shorter, a striking blonde with dreadlocks, a dark-haired beauty, a girl with large glasses and cropped hair.
They were all skinny.
They dressed so that people would notice them. Or maybe overlook them and notice the way they dress.
But they were the same person.
I know we knocked down some walls, but we haven’t build bridges in their place yet. It still hurts when you talk to me. I’m still reaping the pain that you sowed so freely. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to prove to you that I am kind and patient and special and not messed up and full of issues as you made me out to be. I often wonder if I do what I do, just to prove to you that I am more than you made me to be.
I just wanted to let you know that I’m not sure I wanted to build a bridge with you again. I’m not sure I want you to sow into me again.
Regards/Love (see what you do to me?)