"ngelinye ilanga, amaphoyisa amaningi amabi engangingakaze ngihlangane nawo ngaphambili eza ezongibuka futhi axoxe ngecala lami. ngingaqondile, ngezwa ungoti owayelindelwe ethi: “kukho konke ukuphenya ngemibuzo engike ngakwenza, angikaze ngicindezele kanzima kangaka umuntu njengoba ngenze kulesiya silima somfazi. ngimphakamisele phezulu ngozankosi amahora ayisishiyagalombili (empeleni kwakungamahora ayisithupha, kodwa wayefuna ukubukisa, esaba ukuthi abaphathi bakhe bazothi akanamsebenzi) futhi akavumanga.” ngezwa izwi lowesifazane lithi, “ungakwenza kanjani ukushaya lona wesifazane kabi kangaka? unonya.” kwabonakala ukuthi phakathi kwabo bonke labo ababeboshiwe, yimina owayehlushwe kakhulu. kungani ngangihlushwe kangaka? ingabe ngangikhohlakele kakhulu kunabanye abantu? ingabe lokho kuhlupheka kwakuyisijeziso sikankulunkulu kimi? mhlawumbe kwakukhona ukukhohlakala okukhulu kimi, futhi ngase ngifike ezingeni lokujeziswa? ngicabanga ngalokhu, angikwazanga ukubamba izinyembezi. ngangazi ukuthi kufanele ngingakhali. kwakungafanele ngivumele usathane abone izinyembezi zami—uma kwakwenzeka, wayeyokholwa ukuthi nginqotshiwe. kodwa ngangingenakuwubamba umuzwa wosizi enhliziyweni yami, nezinyembezi ezazigeleza ngaphandle kokulawulwa yimi. phakathi nokuphelelwa yithemba kwami, ngangingabiza kuphela unkulunkulu: “o nkulunkulu! manje, ngizizwa ngoniwe ngokujulile. yilokhu ngifuna ukukhala. ngicela ungivikele, ungivimbe ukuba ngingakhothamisi ikhanda lami phambi kukasathane—ngeke ngimvumele abone izinyembezi zami. ngiyazi ukuthi isimo engikuso sibi. ngifuna izinto ngenkani kuwe, futhi ngiyakhononda. futhi ngiyazi ukuthi noma yini oyenzayo, ingengcono kakhulu—kodwa isiqu sami sincane kakhulu, isimo sami sokuvukela sikhulu kakhulu, futhi angikwazi ukwamukela ngentokozo leli qiniso, futhi angazi ukuthi yini okufanele ngiyenze ukuze ngiphume kulesi simo esibi. ngingafisa ukuba ungiqondise, futhi ungivumele ukuba ngilalele izinhlelo namalungiselelo akho, futhi ngingalokothi ngiphinde ngingaqondi noma ngikhononde ngawe.” njengoba ngangithandaza, ingxenye yamazwi kankulunkulu yafika ekhanda lami: “nawe kuzomele uphuze kule sitsha engizakusiphuza (lokhu wakusho ngemva kokuvuswa kwakhe), nawe kuzomele uhambe endleleni engihambe kuyo, kumele unikele ngempilo yakho ngenxa yami” (“indlela upetru amazi ngayo ujesu” kwethi izwi livela lisenyameni). izinyembezi zami zama masinyane. ukuhlupheka kukakristu kwakungafani nokwanoma yisiphi isidalwa, futhi kwakungabekezeleleki koyisidalwa—kanti lapha ngangizizwa ngoniwe futhi ngikhononda kunkulunkulu ngokuthi kwakungafanele ngemva kokuzwa ubunzima obuncane. wawukuphi unembeza kanye nesizathu kulokhu? ngangifaneleka kanjani ukubizwa ngokuthi ngiwumuntu? ngemva kwalokho, ngacabanga ngalokho unkulunkulu akusho: “ukonakala okusemvelweni yomuntu kufanele kulungiswe ngezilingo. kunoma yiziphi izingxenye ongaphumeleli kuzo, kukulezi zingxenye lapho kufanele ucwengwe khona—leli yilungiselelo likankulunkulu. unkulunkulu ukwenzela isimo, akuphoqe ukuba ucwengwe lapho ukuze wazi ukonakala kwakho siqu” (“indlela yokwanelisa unkulunkulu phakathi nezilingo” kwethi izinkulumo zikakristu ezilotshiwe). ukuzindla ngamazwi kankulunkulu kanye nokucabanga ngami, ngaqonda ukuthi lokho okuhlelwe unkulunkulu kwakuqondiswe ekonakaleni nasebuthakathakeni bami—futhi yilokho kanye okwakudingwa ukuphila kwami. ngenxa yokuthi ngangiphuphuthekisiwe futhi ngonakaliswe kangaka uhulumeni we--ccp, inhliziyo yami njalo yayigcwele ukwethembela nokwencika kuwo, nakuba ngangibone amanye amaphutha awo, lokho kwakungazange kuguqule umbono wami ngawo. namuhla, unkulunkulu wenze lesi simo esikhethekile ngenxa yami, wangivumela ukuba ngehlukanise phakathi kukankulunkulu nosathane, ukuze ngikwazi ukusho ukuthi ubani ongisindisile nokuthi ubani ongonakalisile, ngubani okufanele ngimkhonze nokuthi ubani okufanele ngimqalekise, nokuthi kungenxa yalokhu kuphela ngibone ukukhanya kweqiniso, futhi ngaqaphela unkulunkulu wangempela, nokuthi ngikwazi ukwehlukanisa phakathi kokukhanya nobumnyama. ukube angizange ngithole ukuhlupheka okuningi futhi okubi kakhulu, ulwazi nemibono yami ngohulumeni we--ccp ngabe akuzange kuguquke—futhi, enhliziyweni yami, ngabe angiwushiyanga ngempela ngase ngiphendukela ngempela kunkulunkulu. lobu bunzima babuwuthando lukankulunkulu ngami, baba yisibusiso sakhe esikhethekile kimi. lapho sengiqonde intando kankulunkulu, inhliziyo yami ngokushesha yezwa ikhanya bha. ukungaqondi kwami unkulunkulu kwanyamalala. ngezwa ukuthi kwakunokubaluleka okukhulu kanye nenjongo ngokuthi ngikwazi ukuhlupheka ngalolo suku.