QualilifeCare – This site is mostly about loss, grief and bereavement, although some personal stories not related to loss, are also shared
Services – Dr. Nelia Drenth
This site is mostly about loss, grief and bereavement, although some personal stories not related to loss, are also shared
Posted on April 1, 2020 by QualilifeCare
COVID-19 – Day 5
Day 5 of the COVID-19 lock down was an ordinary Tuesday, except that I did not go to work, or to the stores, nor visited friends. I enjoyed the solitude and the stillness around me when I awoke and was certain that this day would be filled with the rest that we all need. Rest from being so busy with non-essential tasks that revolve mostly around ourselves.
Then the message came from my sister to say that her second grandchild was born, but that the doctor was worried about his lungs. We started praying, as we always do when we are in trouble. Heartbroken that it is always trouble and challenges that bring us back to faith and on our knees.
The next message was of even more serious nature. My son-in-law’s dad suffered a massive heart attack while he was completing admission forms in the hospital after being told by his doctor to rush to the hospital. His wife was with him and I just can’t give enough thanks that this happened inside the hospital. He was wheeled to theater almost immediately where they worked on him for the best part of 5 hours. And his wife (over 70 and not well herself) was waiting all the time in a lonely waiting room. Lonely, because there is a lock down and her children are not allowed to drive and visit.
For me, this was an eye opener. We, as a family, were now in the same position where many people will be once they contract COVID-19, and should they be admitted. Being ill and isolated certainly sounds like too much to adapt to. And what if death sets in and you have to die alone without having the chance to say goodbye? Everyone is talking about living wills, but there is more to advanced health care than just a living will. There is the important, but difficult, conversations that must take place between family members. This should include last wishes, yes. But it should also include the following 4 things as Ira Byock pointed out in his book on The four things that matter most:
I urge you to use your time with your significant others wisely and to open the discussion about the four things that matter most.
Posted on July 2, 2016 April 1, 2020 by QualilifeCare	· 2 Comments
My werk neem my soms op interessante paaie. Gister was so ‘n dag.
Ek laai ‘n vreemdeling, met goeie verwysings vanaf my kollega, op. Hy vat my op die kronkelpad oor die heuwels van Endlovini. Ons is op pad na ‘n gemeenskapsorganisasie wat hulp en sorg verskaf aan persone met ‘n lewensbedreigende siekte.
Terwyl ek ry, verkyk ek my aan die vreemde mooi van kleihuisies op heuwels. Ek kry die gevoel van vreedsaamheid. Ek sien laggende mense en ek kry vriendelike wuiwe van meeste voetgangers by wie ons verbyry. Ons vat ‘n stywe verspoelde grondpaadjie en my nou bekende metgesel maak die hek oop. Die hek is nie daar om skelms uit te hou nie, maar wel die beeste. Skreiend in kontras met die ontwikkelde en misdaadryke gebied waar ek bly.
Hier is ooglopend min hulpbronne, maar die hartlike manier waarop ek ontvang word is in skrille kontras met die armoede van die omgewing. Dit laat my wonder wat armoede werklik is. Wie is die arm mens hier? Dalk ek?
Skitterskoon vloere begroet my. Iewers vanuit die gebou kerm ‘n pasiënt en my voete loop vanself daarheen. Daar is min plek in die klein kamertjie. Die bed staan reg onder die gordynlose venster. Daar is lekker warm komberse op die bed. Dis ‘n ou vroutjie wat eintlik met haarself lê en gesels. Baie hard. Dalk is sy doof. Haar oë is al dof. Ek vat haar hand en sy draai na my toe. ‘n Glimlag wat my skaam maak, begroet my. Sy is bly om my te sien! Sy vryf my hand en praat met my in Zoeloe. Dis n goeie praat, al verstaan ek min. En toe praat sy Engels en vra MY hoe dit gaan. So lei sy die gesprek weg van haar en fokus op my, die arm ene?! Toe ek groet wil sy my eers nie laat loop nie. Maar sy stuur my uit met ‘n seëngroet wat my vir lank bybly.
Toe begin ons werk in Endlovini.
Posted on July 2, 2016 by QualilifeCare
A Passion for grief
I have a passion to understand the many faces of grief. And hopefully through this blog, we can help each other to understand why it hurts so much and often takes so long to integrate the death of a loved one into our lives.
Scientific literature refers to the normality of grief. But if grief is so normal, why:
Does it feel like I have lost control?
Do I simultaneously want to be left alone, and not to be left alone?
Am I angry and frustrated?
Do I feel good, just to plummet down in the dumps again?
Do I fear the future?
Don’t I want to think of tomorrow, and just want to cling to yesterday?
Am I unable to laugh without feeling guilty?
Am I afraid to speak?
Don’t I trust people?
There is however another side of grief. I have experienced that most people have a resiliency that sometimes surprises even themselves. Most people have the ability to, at their own pace, pick up the pieces and ride the wave of grief. Sometimes they fall off, but mostly they succeed to reach the land.
My message to you is: just hang in there. The beach will never look the same again, but you will, at your own pace, again be able to enjoy the feeling of the sun on your skin and the sand underneath your feet.
Posted on June 20, 2016 July 2, 2016 by QualilifeCare	· 1 Comment
As jou broer doodgaan
Bereavement unravels like a piece of cloth- the fabric of your life. Over time you will be able to reweave your piece of cloth, but the cloth will have a new pattern. – Unknown
Dit was ‘n grou Wintersdag vol uitdagings. Daardie dag van 18 Junie 1992. Die dag toe my ouboet dood is. Die dag toe ek die oudste kind geword het. Die dag toe die drie sussies nie meer ‘n boetie en my ouers nie meer ‘n seun gehad het nie. Die dag toe sy vrou nie meer ‘n man gehad het nie. Maar die seerste van alles, toe sy kinders nie meer ‘n pa gehad het nie. Dit was die ergste dag in my lewe.
Ek onthou my pa se pyn en my ma se verslaentheid. Ek onthou ‘n sesjarige seuntjie wat sy handjies om sy ma en sy tannie se bene slaan om hulle te probeer troos. Ek onthou twee tieners wat eerder hulle portuurgroep se geselskap opgesoek het in ‘n poging om van die grootmense af weg te kom en ‘n mate van “normaliteit” in hulle lewens te kry. Ek onthou ook hoe die begrafnisondernemer ons met deernis hanteer het en ‘n klein seuntjie voorberei het op die kis met sy pappa se liggaam daarin. En ek onthou hoe my swaer vir my by die graf gevra het: “Jy kyk so na almal. Wie kyk na jou?”
Maar ek onthou ook hoe goed die gemeenskap vir ons was. Borde eetgoed (al voel mens nie om te eet nie) het die tafels volgestaan. Blomme, boodskappe en telefoonoproepe het ingestroom. Mense, bekend en onbekend, het ons ondersteun, tot lank na die begrafnis. Gebede was veral hoog bo aan die trooslys. En ons was getroos, al het dit ons lank geneem om my ouboet se dood in ons lewe te integreer. Ons was dankbaar vir emosies wat ons uiteindelik gehelp het in die verwerkingsproses, al was dit met tye erg pynlik. Ons het aangepas by ‘n lewe sonder ons boetie. Ons het met veerkragtigheid die veranderde omstandighede bemeester en terselfdertyd nuwe rolle, identiteite en verhoudings gevorm.
Ons het uiteindelik die stukkies van ons lap weer aanmekaar geweef, al was dit volgens ‘n nuwe patroon…
Posted on June 17, 2016 July 2, 2016 by QualilifeCare
Die Anderkant van Rou
Een van die ergste dinge wat met mens kan gebeur, is dat iemand vir wie jy baie omgee dood gaan. So dikwels wanneer ek met mense te doen kry wat die dood van iemand na aan hulle beleef het, word ek geraak deur hoe ons deur so ‘n pynlike gebeurtenis kom sonder om vir ewig geknou te wees.
Om te rou is ‘n pynlike proses. Dit veroorsaak dat ons nie kan slaap of eet nie. Dit maak ons fisies so moeg dat ons nie weet hoe ons een voet voor die ander gaan sit nie. Dit laat ons voel of ons maar net die duvet oor ons koppe kan trek en vir ewig in ‘n hoekie kan sit. Dit laat ons wonder oor die sin van die lewe. Dit meng in met ons werksproduksie. Dit laat ons huil sonder ophou, soms na buite en dikwels net na binne.
En tog, ten spyte van al hierdie pyn, is die meeste van ons so aanmekaargesit dat ons effektief met hierdie pyn kan deel. Dat ons leer uit wat met ons gebeur het en dat ons dit wat ons geleer het met mekaar kan deel. Alhoewel die pyn van rou skrikwekkend is, toon die meeste van ons ‘n veerkragtigheid in ons hantering daarvan. ‘n Klein persentasie mense toon egter ‘n chroniese roureaksie wat beteken dat hulle dit onmoontlik vind om selfs na ‘n lang tydperk terug te keer na hulle daaglike roetine. Daar is ook ‘n ander groep. Die wat ‘n meer geleidelike proses van herstel beleef. Hierdie mense se pyn is aanvanklik baie erg, maar hulle bring geleidelik weer die stukkies van hulle lewe weer bymekaar.
Ek hoop dat ons met hierdie blog by mekaar sal kan leer.
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