gxila kulokho okwazi ukukulawula. ngokwesibonelo, ungase ungakwazi ukuyilawula ngokugcwele impilo yakho, kodwa ungakwazi yini ukuzivocavoca, udle ukudla okunomsoco futhi ulale ngokwanele? In America, we are in the middle of a veritable explosion in the single adult population. If we broadly define "single" to include the widowed and divorced as well as the never-married, we find that one third of the total adult population is single. That means for every married couple in our society, there is one single adult! Of the population between ages 18 and 39, one half are single. While in the past single adulthood was usually a brief transition period between adolescence and marriage, today single life is often a long-term vocation. Every American is likely to be without a marriage partner for a substantial period of adult life, either by choice or loss of a spouse. This "singles explosion" shows no sign of losing momentum. Father James Young, C.S.P., one of the founders of the North American Conference of Divorced and Separated Catholics, links the increase in the single population to radical changes in the nature of marriage. "Today people expect much more from marriage than ever before in history. As marriage becomes more demanding, it must be acceptable not to marry. Marriage must be a free choice." To talk about what this "singles explosion" might mean concretely for us as Catholics, a group of my single friends recently gathered for a potluck dinner. Among the group were not only several never-married men and women ranging from age 25 to 60, but also a young widowed mother, a divorced father of six children and a 68-year-old widow. One glance at them made me realize what a broad range of people are clumped together under the label "single." No one there fit the stereotypes of either "lonely loser" or "swinging single." My friends were enthusiastic about the advantages of singlehood for Catholics. Mary Lou, who is 68 and has been a widow for many years, exclaimed, "I never would have guessed it, but being on my own again is a great experience. I love having time of my own and the freedom to just be me!" Michael, 41 and recently divorced, had a different perspective. "Until my marriage ended, I never realized how selfish and narrow we, as a couple, had become. Being single is really forcing me to open up and reach out to other people." When the talk turned specifically to our faith, Steve, a 29-year-old, never-married jazz musician, had a lot to say. "Being single gives me tremendous freedom to serve God. Through my music I meet all different kinds of peoplefolks who might never come in contact with the usual churchgoers. I talk about my faith a lotbecause I know I'm in a position to influence many people." Naturally, there are disadvantages, too. Most single adults feel ~> tremendous pressure to "couple-up." "The toughest thing for me is never feeling like I fit in anywhere," commented Jane, a 30-year-old teacher. "I recently started seriously dating a man and I was amazed at how relieved all my friends and family were to have me coupled up. Suddenly I belonged. I was easier to introduce, easier to relate to, no longer a threat. How can Joe and I make a free choice about marriage in the face of so much pressure?" Mark, who's 34 and has never been married, nodded in agreement with Jane. "It annoys me that people assume I'm either gay or running from responsibility because I'm not married. I have a high regard for marriage and don't want to marry until I meet a woman who can build an enduring relationship with me. In the meantime, I wish others would respect my choice!" Mark's comment struck a chord with me. I recently ran into some old friends, a married couple, at a wedding reception. In the course of catching up on news I remarked that I wasn't at all sure that marriage was for me, that I loved my freedom to have a wide variety of friendships. "You'll change your mind when someone asks you," the wife assured me. This really annoyed me and I hastily informed her that I had been askedseveral times! I am often irritated with the lack of respect for my choice to be single. Being single also makes you an easier target for loneliness, especially in our mobile society. Even though most singles create their own network of relationships, loneliness is likely to strike at times like holidays or in the face of a big adjustment. Recalled Mary, "I really felt alone when I went away to graduate school. I unloaded my U-Haul, unpacked all the boxes in my new apartment and then sat down and thought, 'Who's going to hug me?' All my friends were 500 miles away. I wished I had a husband then." Yet loneliness was not perceived by everyone as a totally negative experience. John commented, "Being alone forces you to depend on God. You know you need him. There can be a false security in marriage or religious lifeyou find a niche that you think will last forever." Singles want to be Church, too Gradually our talk centered more and more on our Church and faith. Most of us had watched many single friends drift away from the Church. Nearly all of us pointed to good relationships with fellow Catholics as the reason we had stayed. Yet many of these very good experiences seemed to occur outside ofsometimes in spite ofthe Church as an institution. When it comes to being actively and regularly involved in parish life, many singles feel frustrated. Steve shrugged his shoulders and said, "At church I feel like an oddball. Last year I moved to the city. Our parish bulletin says, 'We welcome all new families moving into our parish.' Where does that leave me as a single man?" "I wish the Church would help me with the big questions in my life," remarked Marty, a single woman who is 34. "Take sex for example. It's tough to be a faithful Christian in a society where casual sex seems to be the norm. I went to confession and told a priest about struggles I was having with my sexuality. He gave me a lecture and asked me to promise never to see my boyfriend again. Where is a person supposed to get guidance if not from the Church?" Plenty of singles simply need help in living meaningful, spiritually grounded lives. Lucy declared, "I can't emphasize this enough: Being single is not being in limbo! You can live a full, rich life as a single person. Too many singles put their lives in a holding pattern. That's a huge waste!" The Church can help prevent such a waste by finding ways to support the single life as a valid path to God. Singles would be less likely to enter unwise marriages or to abandon the Church out of a sense of not being valued if we could all adopt John's attitude: "I'm interested in making the single life worknot disappear.