#WednesdayWords by Navi Blue…Feature Poet – Black Women Stand Up
#BWSU, Lauryn Hill, Navi Blue, Naviya Lee - Poet, Poem, Poet, Poetry, Quote STES DE NECKER'S GENERAL WEBSITE AND BLOG FOR GENERAL MATTERS: My gunsteling Grappe ~ My favourite Jokes Part 1
My gunsteling grappe
PARENTAL GUIDANCE COMPULSORY !
(1 to 145)
(1) Wyle Mike Schutte se buurvrou skakel een aand die predikant en sê hy moet gou kom. Mike is in 'n toestand en niemand kry hom getroos nie. Hy ween dat jy hom kilometers vêr kan hoor.
Die dominee ry dadelik na Mike se huis toe en kry hom daar, totaal by die rou verby.
“Ou Mike, wat is dan nou die probleem?” vra die dominee.
“Dominees” sê Mike, “my pa is vanoggend ooglede.”
Die predikant praat toe mooi met ou Mike en na so 'n tydjie is ou Mike darem redelik getroos.
Toe die dominee sien dat Mike min of meer herstel het, gaan hy maar terug huis toe.
Nie tien minute later bel die buurvrou weer en sê dominee moet asseblief weer kom. Mike is weer eens so erg in sy beroude toestand.
Dominee ry toe maar weer na Mike toe en toe hy daar kom vra hy ou Mike, “Maar Mike, toe ek netnou hier weg is was jy so mooi gekalmeer. Hoekom nou weer so bedroef?”
“Nee, Hege dominee, wat dagem te egr is, is te egr. Dominee was skaags weg toe bel my bgroer my. Sy pa is ook vanoggend ooglede!”
(2) My ou vriend daar van Kakamas se wêreld laat weet my dit is daar so droog, die beeste eet noual die ondergrondse regte.
(3) 'n Blondine gaan lê 'n klag van inbraak by die polisie en twee jong konstabeltjies moet haar beëdigde verklaring afneem van wat presies gebeur het.
'n Goeie tien bladsye verklaring verder toe sê sy vir hulle dit is min of meer alles wat sy oor die saak kan verklaar.
Die een konstabeltjie sê, nee dit is reg, sy moet net vir hulle haar handtekening op die verklaring plaas.
Die girl sit haar hand so plat op die stuk papier neer en begin die vorm van haar hand op die papier aftrek.
Die een konstabel kyk so na die ander en sê vir hom, “As ek dit geweet het, het ek vir haar gesê om elke bladsy te parafeer!”
(4) Koos loop sy vriend Gert raak in die kroeg en die twee sit so en gesels toe Koos se, “Jong, ek is so bekommerd oor my dogter. Gisteroggend het ek in haar kamer ingegaan en weet jy wat kry ek op haar spieëlkas? 'n Leë pakkie van die “pil”. Sy is mos nog te jonk om nou al daardie soort pille te drink!”
“Ja, wragtig ou maat”, sê ou Gert, “ek het dieselfde probleem as jy. Vanoggend toe ek in my dogter se kamer instap, toe kry ek weer 'n hele pak kondome op die tafeltjie langs haar bed. Ek het nooit geweet sy het 'n penis nie!”
(5) 'n Twaalfjarige seuntjie word deur 'n derde jaar universiteit student daarvan aangekla dat hy haar verkrag het.
Die mannetjie se pa neem hom na 'n advokaat toe om die saak namens hom te verdedig, maar die saak lyk vir die advokaat so belaglik dat sy nie nog onnodig kostes wil aangaan om breedvoerig met die mannetjie te konsulteer nie. Sy is oortuig dat hulle die saak sommer maklik gaan wen.
Die dag toe die saak voorkom en die aanklaer die een getuie na die ander roep, toe kom hierdie advokaat agter dat die bewyse teen hierdie kêreltjie besig is om lelik op te stapel.
Sy besef sy sal nou met iets drasties vorendag moet kom om die saak te red en sy gryp die mannetjie en sit hom bo-op die getuiebank, pluk sy broekie af en gryp sy tottermannetjie so met die een hand en wys dit vir die landdros.
“Edelagbare, dink die agbare hof dat hierdie klein dingetjie regtig 'n derde jaar universiteit student kan verkrag?” sê sy terwyl sy die dingetjie op en afskud. “Lyk dit vir die agbare hof na iets wat so 'n daad kan vermag?” hou sy aan terwyl sy die mannetjie se katottertjie aanhoudend op en afskud.
Na 'n rukkie toe kyk die kêreltjie so af na die advokaat en sê vir haar, “Tannie advokaat, moet hom net nie so aanhou skud nie. Ons gaan hierdie saak verloor!”
(6) 'n Blondine bel die brandweer histeries en sê hulle moet dadelik kom, haar woonstel is aan die brand. “Alles reg dame” antwoord die brandweerman, “bedaar, ons kom dadelik. Sê net vir my hoe kom ons by jou uit?”
Blondine, “Met daardie fokken rooi lorrie van jou natuurlik!”
(7) Koos kom hoogs ontsteld die middag die woonstel binne en sy vrou vra hom wat nou verkeerd is.
“Daardie arrogante posbode! Ek kry hom netnou hier onder by die ingang en sal hy nie wragtig vir my wil kom en vertel hy het al elke girl in die blok, behalwe een, deurgedraf het nie!”
Vrou: “Seker daardie stuckup bitch in nommer 3 van wie hy praat.”
(8) Die verpleegstertjie moet die ou man skeer voor sy breuk operasie, toe sy sien daar staan so bo-op die ou koggelmander geskryf, ‘oom oom’.
“En nou dit oom?” wil sy weet.
“Luister ou kinta” sê die ou, “laat ek jou nou iets vertel. In my jong dae op varsity het daar geskryf gestaan, Die Boom van Potchefstroom!”
(9) Since childhood, Paddy had heard the stories of an amazing family tradition where his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday! On that special day, they'd each crossed the lake to the pub on the far side by walking on the water for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat...splash !!! ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said: "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
(10) Een van ons gesofistikeerde Waterkloof Rif dames besoek n besigheid wat Persiese matte verkoop. Toe sy afbuk om na die mat se prys te kyk toe glip daar een van daardie embaraserende windjies uit. Na n tydjie sien sy n pragtige egte hand geknoopte sy Qum mat teen die muur hang en vra die handelaar wat dit kos. "Mevrou" se die handelaar, "as jy gepoep het toe jy daardie ander mat se prys gesien het, gaan jy jou heeltemal beskuit as ek jou se wat hierdie een kos!"
(11) Vroeg somersoggend in die Kaap en dit reen so saggies. Koos slaap by n ander man se vrou, toe die onverwags tuiskom. Nie tyd vir aantrek nie en Koos spring sommer deur die venster en land tussen n groep drawwers (joggers). Die een kyk hom so en vra, "Hardloop jy altyd kaal?" Ja antwoord Koos, "Dit is mos lekker vars en vris so in die oggend." "Maar hardloop jy altyd met n kondoom?" vra die jogger. Koos, "Nee, net as dit reen"!
(12) As mans dronk word dan praat hulle #@%, raak vreeslik emosioneel, bestuur sleg en hou daarvan om vir geen rede te baklei…
Ek haal my hoed af vir vrouens…
Hulle kry dit reg sonder om te drink!
(13) Ou Hendrik kom een aand hoogs besope by die huis en sy vrou ou Sêra wag hom by die voordeur in. “en toe...?” vra sy.
“Dis nie wat jy dink nie Sêra, ek het vanaand klas geloop!”
“Moenie #@% praat nie man, ek weet mos jy lieg!” klim sy hom in. “ Wat se klas nogal?”
“Genuine! Ek het wiskunde gaan leer. Kom ek nou vir jou verduidelik. Sê nou ek is 'n busbestuurder en by die eerste stop laai ek 5 mense op. By die tweede stop laai ek weer 3 mense op en 5 klim af. By die derde stop klim daar weer 5 mense af ....”
Sêra, “Uh hu, laat ek nou verder hoor?”
So deur die beneweldheid registreer ou Hendrik dat sy som nou nie uitwerk nie en hy hak af, “Sjee kans! Eks nogie klaar nie! Toe moes ek weer twee mense oplaai om fokôl op die bus te hê!”
(14) Ou Koos vertel vir sy maat hoe hy die vorige aand na 'n geloofsgeneser gaan luister het. “Ja, ja” sê sy pêl, “vertel laat ek hoor. Ek wil ook gaan. Wat het gebeur?”“Jislaaik jong, ek staan daar op die verhoog en die predikant sê vir my, “Gooi jou linker kruk weg!, en ek gooi my linker kruk weg.”
“Ja, ja man” sê sy pêl, “gaan aan, gaan aan, ek wil hoor!”
“Jislaaik jong, toe sê die predikant, “Gooi weg jou regter kruk!”
“Ja, ja en toe?” vra die pêl.
“Toe val ek op my gat man!”
(15) My ou vriend Willie speel gereeld Lotto en nou die dag vra ek hom wat hy met al die geld sal maak as hy die Lotto wen.
“Ek sal seker maar die drankwinkel en die hotel en die dokter betaal.”
“En die res?” vra ek.
“Nee,” sê hy, “hulle sal maar moet wag tot 'n volgende keer!”
(16) Die blondine is al desperaat om werk te kry en met die onderhoud vra die werkgewer haar wie se vergoeding sy sou verwag.
(17) Die landdros vra die blondine of sy binne of buite gemeenskap getroud is.
“Nee Edelagbare, weens gemeenskap!”
(18) Die onderwyser vra die dogtertjie om 'n sin te maak met, “bo my vuurmaakplek”.
Sy sê toe, “My rok is so kort, dit sit bo my vuurmaakplek!”
(19) In my jong dae op die plaas het ons geweldig las van jakkalse gehad. Elke week is 'n paar skape in die omgewing doodgebyt. Toe die probleem later te erg word, reël die boerevereniging 'n vergadering waar alle rolspelers teenwoordig sou wees om 'n oplossing vir die probleem te vind. Van die kerkraad, deur natuurbewaring tot by die SPCA was teenwoordig.
Die boere is met niks minder tevrede as die uitroeiing van die ongediertes nie. Van skiet tot gif tot slagysters is al wat volgens hulle sal help.
Die ou girl van die SPCA staan toe op en sê nee, sy stem nie saam nie. Dit is onmenslik en wreed. Die boere moet eerder op 'n manier die jakkalse vang en hulle kastreer. Op daardie manier sal die probleem homself met tyd oplos.
Oom Gert, ouderling en lekeprediker het so in die tweede ry van voor gesit en staan toe op om te praat.
“Vrinne” sê hy, “miskien moet ons net weer aan die dame van die SPCA mooi verduidelik, die jakkalse být die skape!”
(20) Dominee doen huisbesoek en kom die aand by tant Lalie.
Toe hy so instap in die huis, toe is daar 'n papegaai in 'n hok in die voorportaal en die papegaai val weg met, “Ek is 'n slet! Ek is 'n slet!”
Tant Lalie maak groot verskoning en verduidelik aan die dominees dat dit eintlik haar kinders se papegaai is wat sy geërf het toe die kinders Australië toe getrek het. Sy is raadop en weet nie meer wat om met die ding te maak nie.
Dominee sê hy dink hy het vir haar 'n oplossing. Hy het twee mannetjie papegaaie by die huis en die twee is nou al mooi gekersten. Die een kan die Onse Vader al uit sy kop opsê en die ander is mooi op pad om Psalm 23 te resiteer. Hy dink hy moet tant Lalie se papegaai saamneem en in die hok by sy twee insit. Heel moontlik sal hulle 'n goeie invloed op haar papegaai hê.
Sommer daar en dan stem tant Lalie in en dominee is daar weg met die papegaai.
By die huis gekom is sy twee papegaaie juis besig om hulle gebedjies op te sê, toe dominee die wyfie papegaai saam met hulle in die hok sit.
Sy het skaars op die stokkie in die hok gaan sit toe sy weer laat waai met, “Ek is 'n slet! Ek is 'n slet!”
Die een mannetjie papegaai draai so na die ander een toe en sê vir hom, “Ou Pol, jy kan maar ophou bid. Ons gebede is verhoor!”
(21) Twee girls ry in 'n oorvol hysbak toe die een die ander vra, “Hierdie kêrel agter my, is hy aantreklik?”
“Wel, hy lyk nog taamlik jonk” sê die ander een.
“Luister man” sê die eerste een, ”ek wil weet of hy aantreklik is. Ek kan voel hy is jonk!”
(22) Resessie is wanneer jou buurman sy werk verloor. Depressie is wanneer jy jou werk verloor. Ekonomiese herstel is wanneer die minister van finansies sy werk verloor.
(23) So 'n jong boertjie van Wes-Transvaal is skoon uit sy vel van vreugde toe die verpleegstertjie vir hom kom sê hy is pa van 'n klein 1 kg. babatjie.
“Nou hoekom is jy so opgewonde oor so 'n klein ou dingetjie?” wil die verpleegster weet.
“Ou sussie,” sê die kêrel, “hier in die Wes-Transvaal is ons maar te dankbaar as ons elke jaar net ons saad terugkry!”
(24) 'n Olifant loop in die wildtuin en mis bo-op 'n mossie. Met 'n groot gesukkel spartel die mossie hom los uit die bol mis en met 'n helse geraas sit hy op die hoop mis en maak homself skoon. Net toe hy mooi skoon is kom daar 'n wilde kat en vang die mossie.
In 'n nabye boom het twee ander mossies hierdie eskapade sit en beskou en toe die kat die eerste mossie so wegdra, toe sê die een in die boom vir sy pêl, “ Die poepol het ook nooit geleer jy hou jou bek as jy in die kak is nie!”
(25) Die twee ou vriende loop in 'n parkie toe daar so 'n seksie jong bokkie met 'n nou passende oefen broekie aan, by hulle verby draf.
'n Paar minute later sê die een ou vir sy maat, “Ou Piet, onthou jy daardie blouvitterjoel wat hulle vir ons in die army gegee het? Hoe lyk dit dan vir my die bleddie goed begin nou eers werk!”
The girl at the cash register said, I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. Prove that you are buying the cat food for your cat.
The next day, she tried to buy two Cans of dog food. Again the cashier said, ''I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.''
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, ''That smells like shit.''
The little old lady said, ''It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.''
(27) Wat my ma my geleer het...
1) Ma het my geleer hoe om te bid: "Jy moet bid dat daardie kol op die mat uit is as ek vanaand by die huis kom"
2) Sy het my geleer van "time travel": "Ek sal jou tot in volgende week in klap!"
3) Sy het my geleer pa's is slimmer en ryker as ma's: "Gaan vra jou pa!"
4) Sy het my geleer oor plantkunde: "Lyk dit vir jou of geld op my rug groei?"
5) Sy het my geleer om altyd nederig en klein te wees: "Mannetjie !!!"
6) Sy het my van die weer geleer: "Dit lyk of 'n dekselse orkaan jou kamer getref het!"
7) Sy het my geleer van fauna en flora: "Moenie vir my vertel perredrolle is vye nie!"
8) Sy het my geleer om myself te ontdek: "Hou op om jou soos jou pa te gedra!"
9) Sy het my die wetenskap van osmose geleer: "Hou jou mond en eet jou kos!"
10) Sy het my geleer van uithouvermoë: "Jy sal by daardie tafel sit totdat jy jou spinasie opgeëet het!"
11) Sy het my geleer van sintuie: "Kinners word gesien en nie gehoor nie!"
12) Sy het my geleer van humor: "Hou aan lag, dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil ook!"
13) Sy het my van jaloesie geleer: "Daar is duisende arm kinnertjies wat ouers soos joune begeer!"
14) Sy het geleer dat daar 'n plek en 'n tyd vir alles is:
"As julle mekaar wil vermoor, gaan doen dit buite! Ek't nou net hier skoongemaak!"
15) Sy het my wiskunde geleer: "Sit jy alweer en tanne tel!"
16) Sy het my logika geleer: "Want ek sê so, dis hoekom!"
17) Sy het my geleer dat wonderwerke nog kan gebeur:
"Ek sal jou klap dat jy jou antie vir 'n eendvoël aansien as jy my weer terug antwoord!"
(28) Julius Malema stated yesterday :“I want the people of South Africa to treat me the same way they treated Nelson Mandela.”
Evita Bezuidenhout immediately responded :“What a great idea. Let’s start with 27 years in jail…….”
(29) VOOR TROUE....
HY; uiteindelik, ekt soooo lank gewag!
SY; wil jy he ek moet waai?
HY; neeeeee,ek dinki eers da ani.
SY; is jy lief vir my ?
HY; natuurlik, somer baie
SY; het jy my al ooit verneuk?
HY; nee, hoe vra jy dan so iets?
SY; wil jy my soen?
HY; elke keer as ek kans kry.
SY; sal jy my moer?
HY; is jy mal, ek isi so mens nie.
SY; kan ek jou vertrou ?
TWEE JAAR LATER, LEES NOU VAN ONDER NA BO!
(30) A lady phones a Police Station in South Africa and says: "My husband went to buy potatoes 5 days ago, he hasn't come back yet."
The Police Officer pauses and says: "Eish... so why don't you cook something else?"
(31) A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room onYahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit thedelete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: “You’ve got mail!”
(32) A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked,
'Is there a 710 on this car?'
(33) Pas na die afloop van die episode met die verslaggeefster, vra ŉ vriend van Eugene Terreblanche hom wat hulle nou eintlik daar by sy huis gedoen het.
ET verduidelik dat hy nog handgemeen met die meisie wou raak toe die by die huis uit hardloop en vir hom skree: Jy kan my tog nie vang nie!
Die mielies was daardie jaar glo baie mooi en staan ruig geelwit op die land toe die verslaggeefster die mielieland inhardloop om ver ET te gaan wegkruip.
Die vriend vra hom toe, “maar Eugene, hoe het jy die meisie toe in die mielieland gevind?”
ET, “Heel aangenaam ou vriend, heel aangenaam!”
(34) Drie ou mans sit in die ouetehuis se sitkamer en gesels toe tant Ralie daar verbyloop.
Die een ou sê vir die ander, “Julle weet, ek kan daardie ou girl sommer 'n soen gee!”
Sy ou maat langs hom sê, “Man, ek sal haar nie net soen nie. Ek sal haar 'n soen en 'n druk gee!”
Die derde ou oom kyk hulle so skeef aan en sê, “Julle jongetjies weet nog niks. 'n Girl soos daardie, neem jy na jou kamer toe. Dan maak jy haar lê op die bed en jy trek haar onnodige kledingstukkies van haar af en dan strooi jy so 'n bietjie Johnsons baby powder so liggies oor haar lyfie tot sy nou mooi met die poeiertjies bedek is.”
Die oubaas aarsel so 'n oomblik terwyl hy diep peins en herhaal weer, ”jy strooi poeiertjies tot sy mooi bedek is .........., my bliksem ou Piet, wat het ons toe nou weer daarna gedoen?!”
(35) Twee landmeters is in die veld besig om opmetings te doen, toe die een 'n nood ontwikkel. Hy besluit toe om sommer agter die naaste vaalbos broek los te maak maar besef nie hy is besig om op 'n slang wat daar gelê het, te gaan sit nie. Toe die slang hierdie vreemde indringer spesie voor hom sien, pik hy die nuweling reg op die kop.
Die landmeter spring op en skreeu vir sy maat om te kom help, 'n slang het hom gepik. Reg op sy ou koggelmander se kop.
Die ander sê, maar hy weet nie wat om te doen hy, hy sal maar 'n dokter bel. Hy skakel toe sy huisdokter en vertel hom wat gebeur het. Met die selfoon aan sy oor klink die res van sy gesprek met die dokter toe so:
“Nee, dokter ons weet nie wat se slang dit is nie.”
“Dit kan giftig wees ja”
“dokter sê ek moet sy ding in my mond sit en suig!”
“anders sal hy doodgaan?”
“maar is daar geen ander manier nie?”
“dokter sê as ek nie suig nie kan hy doodgaan?”
“ek sien. Maar dankie in elk geval vir dokter se advies.”
Teen die tyd is die ander ou al hoogs benoud en vra vir die een wat met die dokter gepraat het, “En toe! Praat man. Wat sê die dokter?”
Die ander ou kyk hom so toe sê hy, “Die dokter sê hy dink jy gaan doodgaan!”
(36) 'n Ou tannie gaan sien haar bankbestuurder omtrent 'n belegging en so 'n ent weg deur die gesprek toe sê die bankbestuurder vir haar.
“Mevrou, sê nou eers net vir my, jy bly op 'n plotjie buite die dorp en al wat daarop loop is 'n vark, twee koeie, 'n bok, 'n paar kalkoene en 'n paar hoenders. Hoe kry jy dit reg om soveel duisende rande in jou bankrekening te hê?”
“Dit is maar net goeie “risk management” meneer.”
“Risk management? Nou verstaan ek nie” sê die bankbestuurder, “wil mevrou nie miskien vir my verduidelik wat se “risk management” mevrou doen nie?”
Die ou tannie sê vir hom, “Meneer sien, ek wed die meneer nou R5000 rand meneer se testikels is vierkantig en nie rond nie!”
“Wat!” roep die bankbestuurder verontwaardig uit, “Maar natuurlik is my testikels rond!”
“As dit dan so is, hoekom wil meneer nie die weddenskap aangaan nie. Soos ek gesê het, ek wed die meneer R5000 meneer se testikels is vierkantig en nie rond nie. En dan môre, twaalfuur, ontmoet ek meneer weer hier in meneer se kantoor. Meneer bring vir jou 'n getuie saam en ek bring my getuie saam. Dan stel ons 'n behoorlik ooreenkoms op dat die een wat verloor moet die ander R5000 betaal en ons laat die getuies ook teken.
“Nou maar goed, reg so” sê die bankbestuurder en die ou tannie is daar weg.
Maar die weddenskap krap aan die bankbestuurder die hele res van die dag. Elke nou en dan het hy sy hand hier voor in sy broek in net om seker te maak sy testikels is rond en nie vierkantig nie.
Die aand by die huis gaan staan hy selfs voor die spieël om weer seker te maak.
Toe die ou die oggend wakker word roep hy selfs sy vrou om ook net te kom kyk of hulle nog steeds rond is en die verseker hom, hulle is verseker rond!
Hy is daar weg kantoor toe, hoogs tevrede dat vandag is die dag wat hy die maklikste R5000 gaan verdien wat hy nog ooit verdien het.
Presies twaalfuur toe is die ou tannie daar sommer met twee ouens saam met haar.
“Right” sê sy, “meneer klim nou hier op die lessenaar en laat sak meneer se broek. Dan kyk ons.”
Die bankbestuurder klim op sy lessenaar en laat sak sy broek.
Nee, maar sy moet darem net eers voel en sy vat die kêrel se hele balsak so vol in die hand.
“uh-hu, uh-hu” sê sy, “nee dis maar reg so. Meneer kan nou maar afklim.”
“Ek het jou gewaarsku mevrou, maar nouja, 'n weddenskap is 'n weddenskap, kom laat ons teken en dan moet die getuies ook teken.”
Dis reg so. Die bankbestuurder sê toe, ”Maar mevrou, dis nie nodig dat al twee jou getuies hoef te teken nie. Een sal genoeg wees.”
“Nee, meneer” sê die ou tannie, “hierdie ander kêrel is nie 'n getuie nie. Dis n ou wat ek vanoggend R20,000 gewed het dat voor eenuur vandag sal ek my bankbestuurder aan die balls beet hê!”
(37) Kees sit eendag onder ŉ Kameeldoring toe daar twee luiperd-welpies by hom kom en hom vra, ”Kees, wat maak jy hier?”
“Nee ek sit sommer en dink, voor hierdie dag uit is gaan ek daardie ma van julle raps!”
Die twee welpies storm daar weg, reg na hulle ma toe en vertel haar wat die bobbejaan gesê het.
“So ŉ ou dôner!” sê die luiperd, ek sal hom vrek maak!” en sy bestorm vir Kees.
Kees vlieg op en laat spaander vir die vaal duiwel.
So in die hardloop sien hy 'n erdvark gat en besluit om daarin weg te kruip.
In haar haas duik die luiperd sommer so met voorpote en agterpote gelyk die gat in en daar sit sy vas in die opening van die gat. Net haar sterre steek bokant die opening uit.
Nou die van julle wat weet, 'n erdvark gat het mos kleiner tonnels wat weer op 'n ander plek uitkom en nie lank of Kees is weer uit die gat uit en wat hy so wil begin hardloop sien hy wat met die luiperd gebeur het.
Hy loop so versigtig nader en toe hy sien die luiperd sit nou behoorlik vas, loop hy so 'n draai om die luiperd, snuif so 'n slag en sê, “Well, dis nou nie eintlik my styl die nie, maar nouja, ek het die kinders belowe, het ek nie.”
(38) Die kêrel neem 'n meisie vir die eerste keer uit. Die jong dame lei ongelukkig aan epilepsie, maar die kêrel weet dit nie.
Later die aand is hulle in haar woonstel en die tweetjies is naderhand op die bed en dit gaan net te jollie. Die tweetjies vry 'n hond uit 'n bos, maar net voordat die meisie haar toppunt bereik, kry sy 'n epileptiese toeval.
Die kêreltjie skrik hom uit sy geloof en jaag met haar hospitaal toe.
By noodgevalle ontmoet 'n geneesheer hom en vra die kêrel wat fout is.
“Dokter”, sê hy, “Ek is nou self nie 'n medikus nie, maar as jy my sou vra, sou ek sê haar orgasme het vas gehak!”
(39) Gatiep verdrink in ŉ wynvat op 'n wynplaas en daar moet eers 'n nadoodse ondersoek ingestel word voordat hulle hom kan begrawe.
Die dag met die ondersoek getuig een van Gatiep se pêlle oor wat nou eintlik gebeur het en die pêl vertel hoedat Gatiep bo-oor die vat gebuk het toe hy sy ewewig verloor en in die vat geval het.
Die landdros vra hom toe, “Maar kon Gatiep dan nie swem nie?”
“Dja Edelagbare, natuurlik kon Gatiep swem. Hy het drie maal uitgeswem om te gaan piepie!”
(40) Ou Koos vertel vir sy maat hoe hy vêr bo die spoedgrens gejaag het toe 'n spietkop hom voorkeer. Hy sê die eerste ding wat die spietkop hom vra is, “Wat is jou van!?”
Ou Koos sê hy skrik so groot “ek gee die spietkop sommer my broer sê van!”
(41) Jakob verskyn in die hof en die Landdros vra hom, “Spel 'n mens jou naam met 'n “c” of met 'n “k” ?”
“Nay Edelagbare! Djy spellit met 'n “jy”! ... anners is it mos Kakob! “
(42) Servaas was sy lewe lank bra vrekkerig en na sy dood arriveer hy by die Hemelpoort en die engel Gabriel en dié se assistent wag hom daar by die poort in.
Gabriel vra Servaas of hy ooit in sy lewe darem iets vir die armes gegee het of nie.
Servaas staan so 'n tyd lank en dink, ”hmmm .... hmm ... O ja! Ek het eenkeer vir 'n ou wat op straat staan en bedel het 10sent gegee!”
Gabriel vra hom, “Is dit al?” Ja, dis al. Engel Gabriel vra sy assistent, “Nou wat sê jy? Wat maak ons met hom?”
“Gee hom sy 10sent terug en stuur hom hel toe!” antwoord die assistent.
(43) 'n Klomp paddatjies vrek toe die plaasdammetjie waarin hulle gebly het opdroog en nou staan hulle so 'n tou voor die hekke van die padda hemel en wag om in te gaan.
By die hek moet hulle eers ondervra word sodat daar vasgestel kan word of hulle darem kwalifiseer vir die padda hemel.
Die eerste outjie kom by die padda-engel en die vra hom, “Paddatjie wat is jou naam?”
“My naam is Willie oom”
“Ag, maar in die môre opgestaan, uit die water gespring, op klippie gespring, af klippie gespring, trug in die water gespring”
“Ja, oom! Dis maar al wat ons gedoen het”
Die volgende paddatjie kom by die engeltjie en die vra hom ook, “En wat is jou naam?”
“My naam is Petrus oom”
“Ag, ook maar net opgestaan, uit die water gespring, op klippie gespring, af klippie gespring en dan weer trug in die water gespring.”
So gaan dit aan, een na die ander, almal dieselfde roetine elke dag. Uit die water, op klippie, af klippie, trug in die water.
Hier by die tiende paddatjie kom daar so 'n skaam paddatjie by die hek en die engel vra haar, “Paddatjie, wat is jou naam?”
(44) Dit is die juffrou se eerste dag wat sy skoolhou en so voor in die klas sit 'n dogtertjie met so 'n blou vlek op haar wangetjie.
“En die ou kol op die wangetjie my skat?” vra die juffrou, “het my kind seergekry?”
“Nee juffrou,” sê die dogtertjie met 'n lispel, “ek ith so thebore juffrou!”
Die onderwyseressie voel aaklig omdat sy so 'n fout kon begaan en besef sy sal in die toekoms meer diplomaties moet wees.
'n Paar dae later kom sy weer in die klas en daar sit Willempie met so 'n behoorlike blou oog in die klas.
“My hartjie!” se juffrou, “en die ou blou oog? Is my kind ook tho thebore?”
“Nee, juffrou” se Willempie, “ek ith tho themoer!”
(45) 'n Spul bankrowers storm eenkeer 'n bank binne en skree, “Hierdie is 'n bankroof! Almal lê op julle mae dan sal niemand seerkry nie! Die een wat nie op sy maag bly lê nie sal geskiet word!”
Almal slaan op hulle mae neer en hou net hulle koppe toe.
Arme Sannie skrik egter so groot, sy slaan reg agteroor in 'n vloute en beland op die naat van haar rug, so uit soos 'n kers!
Toe Willem, een van die klerke, hoor daar val iets hier langs hom, maak hy sy oë so versigtig oop en sien Sannie langs hom lê.
“Ag Here Sannie,” fluister hy vir haar, “lê tog in Vaders naam op jou maag! Hierdie is 'n bank roof, nie 'n bank party nie!”
(46) ALL GIRL BIKER BAR
An old, “blind” cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde girl with a black belt in karate.
The girl sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
'No not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
(47) Dearest KOOS
I'm writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that
almost all accidents happen within 20km of home. So we moved.
I can't send you the address, because the last family who lived here
took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I don't know
that it works so well though. Last week I put in a load of clothes and
The weather isn't bad here. It rained only twice last week. The first
time for four days, and the second time for three days.
About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your oom Frikkie said it would
be too heavy to send them in the post with the buttons on, so we cut
them off and put them in the pockets.
Piet locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I don't know what it is yet, so
I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. I was told that it is
almost black. I think she spent too much time in the sun when she was
pregnant, always helping Jonas the farmhand with the mealiest.
Oom Wessels fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him
out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. It took
five days to put the fire out.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's bakkie. I always
knew this thing was dangerous. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the
window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were on the back..They
drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
(48) GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . Thank you for calling. At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or taking us to the theater, please stay on the line and one of us will be with you shortly……………………
Your call is important to us, please stay on the line. (repeat ten times)
(49) Die vrou se motor gaan staan sonder brandstof en n Rooi Indiaan gee die vrou 'n geleentheid tot by die naaste vulstasie agterop sy perd.
Sover as wat hulle ry weergalm die Indiaan se Tarzankrete.
By die vulstasie aangekom wil die joggie by die vrou weet: Hoekom is hy so opgewonde?
Vrou: Hoe sal ek weet! Hy skreeu nog die hele ent pad so.
Joggie: Was jy nie bang nie?
Vrou: Nee ek was nie regtig bang nie. Ek het maar net al hoe stewiger voor aan die saalboom vasgeklou.
Joggie: Mevrou, Rooi Indiane ry bloots!
(50) WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
They are old, they shouldn't play hard or run.
When they take us for walks, they slow down when they go past things, like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks in the sidewalk.'
They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted badly.
(52) Gammat kom by sy maat en sê vir hom, “Het djy gehoor hulle het vir Gatiep opgehang?”
“Nay, hulle kan mos nie! Gatiep het dan apiel!”
“Ek sê vir djou, hulle het hom so wgragtag gehang. Met a piel en al!”.
Ek wonder wie onthou nog Tolla se storie van die leeu in Pagel se Sirkus.
Die regte leeu het siek geword en kan die aand nie optree nie toe Pagel een van die tydelike werkers vra of hy nie in die plek van die leeu wil optree nie. Hulle sal dan vir hom 'n leeu pak aantrek wat op 'n druppel na aan 'n regte leeu lyk en al wat hy moet doen, is, hy moet die ring binne draf en dan der toertjies wat die leeutemmer vir hom sê om te doen, uitvoer.
Die aand draf die kêrel in sy leeu suit die ring binne en perform soos 'n wie weet watse leeu. Dan is hy op sy agterpote, dan weer op sy voorpote, dan spring hy op 'n stoeltjie en kap na die leeutemmer, net soos die genuine leeu.
Toe die vertoning klaar is, moet hy toe uitdraf deur die tonnel wat na die leeuhok lei, maar in sy opgewondenheid kies die kêrel toe die verkeerde tonnel en beland in die beer se hok. Toe hy die hok so binne draf toe sit daar een helse groot Grizzly beer in die oorkantste hoek wat hom glurend aanstaar.
Die leeu kêrel skrik sy melk weg en gaan sit in die teenoorgestelde hoek van die hok, doodstil.
Na 'n minuut of wat begeef die kêrel se moed hom en hy begin in so 'n diep growwe stem roep, “Pagelll!, Paaagell ! Pageeell!” Maar ou Pagel hoor hom nie.
Nog 'n minuut of wat later toe roep die kêrel weer, “Pagelll ! Pageeell, As jy nie nou gou kom nie dan kak ek in my broeeek!”
Net toe hy klaar is toe kom daar so 'n benoude stem uit die beer uit, “Jy kan maar los! Ek het klaar in mý broek gekaaak!”
(54) How fights start
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift and when she asked me why, I replied,
(55) Koos en sy vrou neem n seuntjie van die weeshuis vir die vakansie plaas toe, maar die kind is foken stout. Op die 3de dag bel Koos die weeshuis: “More, dis Van Der Merwe. Daai laaitie van julle het my donkie geverf, my vrou se skoukat se hare afgesny en my haan se twee pote afgekap!”
“Excuse me sir, I don't understand Afrikaans.”
Koos: “I say that boy of yours painted my ass, shaved my wives pussy and cut two feet off my cock!”
(56) Blond knoop haar bloes oop en vra die boer: “Wat sal jy doen as dit sulke druppels op die plaas reën?”
Boer knoop sy broek oop en sê: “Dan groei ek sulke mielies!"
(57) Liewe Ma en Pa,
Niks’e ge-varke voer, koeie melk, mampoer meng of braaihout kappery nie.
Manne moet nog skeer, maar dis nie so erg nie, want daar’s warm water.
Maar sê vir hulle jy kan altyd tussen twee dorpsjapies wat net koffie leef, gaan sit.
Ons gaan op roete marse, wat ons sal taai maak, sê die Sersant.
'n Roete mars is omtrent so ver soos tot by ons posbus by die huis.
Die bulls-eye is net so groot soos 'n dassie se kop en beweeg glad nie eers nie.
En dit skiet nie eers terug soos daai Venter’s van die buurplaas nie. Al wat jy moet doen is om doodstil te lê en dit raak te skiet.
Dan is daar wat hulle noem "hand-to-hand combat training".
Hy het saam met my aangesluit. Maar ek is omtrent 5 voet 6 en weeg 70kg en hy is 6 voet 8 en weeg maklik 150kg, droë gewig.
Julle liefdevolle dogter Saartjie!
(58) These are genuine excerpts from Council complaint letters.
3. It's all the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
(59) CAN SOUTH AFRICA SURVIVE GIVEN THE FOLLOWING?
The reason? The voters figured out they could vote themselves money from the treasury by electing people who promised to give them money from the treasury in exchange for electing them. Thomas Jefferson said it best: “Democracy will cease to exist when you take away from those who are willing to work and give to those who would not”.
(60) Every day Little Johnny walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he is carrying a football and hê stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the
football and says, "Hey Mary! See this football? Football is a boy's game and girls can't have one!"
Little Mary runs into the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. Her mother immediately runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day, Johnny is riding home on his bike and Little Mary shows him the football and yells, "Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!"
Little Johnny gets mad and points to his bike.
"See this bike? This is a boy's bike and girls can't have 'em!"
The next day, Johnny comes by and little Mary is riding a new boy's bike.
Now he is really mad. So he immediately drops his pants, points at his most private of private parts and says, "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and not even
YOUR mother can go out and buy you one!"
The next day as Johnny passes the house he asks little Mary, "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
She pulls up her dress and replies, "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"
(61) "I can't believe there's an athlete going to the Olympic games without legs!"
“Why is that strange?’ We’ve got many members of parliament without brains!”
(62) Husband walks in and says: "I've been so busy I don't know if I'm coming or going!"
Wife says: "by the look on your face, you're going...Because when you're coming, you look like a Fucking stroke victim trying to whistle!”
(63) Three contractors
One from Soweto , another from Pretoria , and the third from Benoni, are
bidding to fix a broken fence at the Union Buildings in Pretoria.
The Pretoria contractor takes out a tape measure, does some measuring, and
then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job
will run about R900.
The Benoni contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I
can do this job for R700: R300 for materials, R300 for my crew, and
R100 profit for me.'
The Soweto contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Union
Buildings official and whispers,'R2,700.00'
The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other
guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Soweto contractor whispers back, 'R1000 for me, R1000 for you, and we
hire the guy from Benoni to fix the fence!'
(64) After being married for 30 years a wife asked her hubby to describe her.
He looked at her slowly then said "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K."
She asks "what does that mean?"
He said "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."
She smiled happily and said "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I,J,K?”
He said "I'm Just Kidding!"
(65) The versatile Fuck word.
1. Greeting: Nice to fucking see you!
2. Command: Watch the fucking road!
3. Surrender: I fucking give up!
4. Problem: Now we’re fucked!
6. Jealousy: Fuck me!
7. Confusion: What the fuck..!
8. Daft: I don’t fucking understand!
9. Admiration: That’s fucking beautiful!
10. Despair: Fuck this!
11. Dissatisfaction: What the fuck is going on!
12. Lost: Where the fuck are we?
13. Disbelief: I don’t fucking believe this!
14. Retaliation: Fuck off!
15: Denial: I know fuckol about this!
16. Pain: Ouch fuck!
17. Unsympathetic: I don’t give a fuck!
19. Panic: Let’s get the fuck out of here!
20. Directive: Get the fuck away from me!
21. Resistance: Never in my fucking life!
22. Uncertainty: No fucking way!
(66) Twee melaatses loop eendag en hitch-hike toe die een ou sy duim gooi. Toe lag die ander een sy gat af.
(67) Daardie lekker Moer woord.
1. Verbasing: Wat die moer..?
2. Opgee: Te moer hiermee.
3. Moeilikheid: Oo Moer..!
4. Sukkel: Hoe de moer moet ek dit verstaan!
5. Verwarring: Wat de moer!
6. Verdwaal: Waar die moer is ons?
7. Aggressie: Ek moer jou!
8. Belofte: Jy gaan ge-moer word.
9. Ongeloof: Nie 'n moer nie!
10. Waarskuwing: Pasop, sy’s die moer in.
11. Pyn: Eina Moer!
12. Onsimpatiek: Ek gee nie 'n moer om nie!
13. Ontkenning: Not de moer!
14. Aanwysing: Vlieg in jou moer!
15. Suspisie: Wie de moer is jy!?
16. Admirasie: Dis nou moer mooi!
17. Afguns: Sy moer!
18. Misnoeë: Sies moer!
19. Twyfel: Ek weet nie wat de moer om te doen nie.
20. Tydsberekening: Moer lank.
21. Afstand meting: Moer vêr.
22. Hoogtebepaling: Moer hoog.
23 Diepte bepaling: Moer diep.
24. Paniek: Ek’s moer laat!
(68) SAL se blinde pilot
Die Sal besluit om ŉ blinde loots aan te stel, en ŉ verslaggewer van ŉ sekere dagblad voer met hom ŉ onderhoud oor hoe hy dit regkry om ŉ Boeing te kan loots.
“Ag nee, dis maklik. As ek by OR Tambo kom dan neem 'n waardinnetjie my na die vliegtuig, kry my by my sitplek en maak my gordel vas. Dan wag ek totdat die beheertoring vir my sê ek kan maar ry. Dan sit ek daardie Boeing in reverse en ek tru totdat die co-pilot vir my sê ‘STOP!”
“Ja en dan?” vra die verslaggewer.
“Dan sê die co-pilot vir my ry nou vorentoe, draai links, ry reguit aan, draai weer regs en so aan totdat ek op die punt van die aanloopbaan kom. Dan kry ek die vliegtuig mooi in lyn met aanloopbaan se rigting, en wanneer die beheer toring vir my sê ek kan maar laat waai, dan druk ek daardie vliegtuigie se throttle tot heel voor en ek hou die stuurwiel maar net mooi stil.”
“Maar hoe weet jy wanneer om op te styg?” vra die verslaggewer.
“Nee wat, dis maklik. Ek wag net tot die co-pilot hier langs my skree, ‘O fokk!’ dan weet ek nou moet ek opstyg!”
(69) An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.
He replied, “Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”
(70) 45 sent!
Sannie se vir haar ma: “Ek gaan van Jannie skei.”
Sannie se ma antwoord geskok: “Ag, nee Sannie, wat gaan dan nou aan. Is jy seker, jy wil skei?”
“Ja, ma. Al wat Jannie soek is seks, seks, seks en meer seks. My paddatjie is al die grootte van n 50c stuk. Dit was altyd die grootte van ŉ 5c stuk.”
Haar ma is geskok en antwoord. “Jy's getroud met n multi-miljoenêr sakeman wat jou op sy hande dra, jy bly in n 8 slaapkamer mansion, jy ry n R3 miljoen se Ferrari, jy kry R40000-00 per week se spending geld, jy vat 6 vakansies per jaar en jy wil dit als weggooi!?
En dit oor 45c!!”
(71) My Dog
I went down to the Benefits Office this morning to sign on my Dog.
The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits!"
I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his father is.
Fochville is toe al die tyd n rowwer plek as Brakpan.
Jannie het vir hom ŉ Boksburg girl gekry en gaan op die eerste date met die girl.
Later die aand kom hulle by haar woonstel en die girl gooi haarself op die bank neer en vra:
“So Jannie, wat wil jy nou van my hê?”
Jannie: “Jou panties op jou knieë!”
Girl: “Gee my net ŉ oomblik, ek sal gou een gaan aantrek”
Eskom has made a public anouncement :
"Eish, we have good news and bed news... "
"Eh, the bed news is thet the sheet is going to hit the fen weeth thees powa seetuation."
"Howeva, the good news is thet the fen is not going to be wekking."
(74) "Ya know, when I was 20 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it using both hands.
I'm gonna be 80 next week, and now I can bend it with one hand.”
‘So, what's your point?’
“Well, I'm just wondering, am I getting stronger or am I getting weaker?”
Ou Koos loop eendag langs die see by Durban toe hy ŉ goue lampie op die strand optel.
Toe hy die lampie afvee, verskyn daar 'n Genie uit die lampie en sê vir Koos hy kan een wens kry omdat hy hom vrygelaat het.
Ou Koos sê vir die Genie: “Ag, jong, eintlik het ek al alles wat ek wou gehad het, maar die een ding wat ek nou regtig sal waardeer, is as jy vir my 'n brug kan gee van hier af tot in Australië.
Sien, die ding is so, al my kinders het al Australië toe emigreer en dit is net ek en my vrou wat nog in Suid-Afrika is. As jy nou vir my 'n brug kan gee Australië toe, dan kan ek elke naweek oorry soontoe en 'n bietjie by my kinders kuier en dan weer Sondag terugkom.”
Die Genie dink so 'n oomblik en sê vir Koos: “ Jong, nou vra jy darem 'n moerse groot ding! Het jy al gedink hoeveel beton, hoeveel staal, hoeveel bekisting daar in so 'n konstruksie sal ingaan?
En dan moet die brug nog hoog genoeg wees dat die groot vragskepe onderdeur kan vaar.
En ek aanvaar jy sal die pad geteer wil hê en dan moet daar nog straatligte ingesit word net sodat jy nie een aand van die brug afneuk nie.
Wil jy nie maar jou wens 'n bietjie heroorweeg en sien of daar nie iets makliker is wat jy graag sal wil hê nie?”
Ou Koos dink so 'n tydjie en toe sê hy vir die Genie: “Jong, nie regtig nie. Maar daar is een ding wat ek nog altyd begeer het om te weet en dit is hoe 'n vrou se kop werk.”
Na 'n paar sekondes toe sê die Genie: “Daardie brug waarvan jy gepraat het, hoe het jy gedink, moet dit 'n enkelbaan of dubbel baan wees!?”
(76) Robert Mugabe, president from Zimbabwe dies and goes to heaven.
When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and he
does not belong in heaven.
So Mugabe goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and
tells him to make himself at home.
Then Mugabe notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says: "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven, they find the gates are locked
as St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do.
Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall
and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other: "My Lord, look at that! Mugabe has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees from hell!"
(77) Julius Malema.
Julius: "You whities think you so clever because you were the first to walk on the moon. Just watch, the first person on the sun will be black."
Reporter: "But you will be incinerated long before you ever get there!?"
Julius: "You whities are stupid! We will go in the night!"
(78) Malema cleared up any confusion about Castor Semenya's true gender when he proclaimed: "He is a woman!"
Die vlermuis kom ingevlieg by die grot met vars bloed om sy bek.
Die ander vlermuise gaan mal, want hulle wil ook daarvan hê.
Na 'n lang gesukkel om hom so vêr te kry om vir hulle ook te vertel waar die bloed vandaan kom, sê die vlermuis hy sal hulle gaan wys.
Almal vlieg toe agter hom aan en na 'n tydjie kom hulle voor 'n groot boom te lande.
"Sien julle hierdie boom?"
"Ja, Ja" skree die honger vlermuise!
"Wel goed vir julle, want ek het fokken ding nie gesien nie!
(80) Met seks dan sê die Pretoria girls altyd: “Ek kom, ekkomekkom, ek kooom!”
ŉ Namakwaland girl sê: “Smaaak my, ons maaak nou klaaaar!”
(81) Omie wat ry op die snelweg en sien jong outjie wat staan en duimgooi en besluit om hom op te laai. Die outjie klim in die kar en die dialog verloop soos volg:
Omie: “More boet, waarheen is jy op pad?”
Outjie: “Mmmmmore ooooom, eeeek iiiiis oooop pppppad nnnnna Pppppprettttoria”
Omie: Dink by himself …. O kak, dit gaan ‘n lang pad wees, maar vra toe maar beleefd: “Wat gaan jy daar doen?”
Outjie: “Gggggggaaan vvvvir ‘n oooonderhhhhoud, oooooom”
Omie: “By watter firma?”
Outjie: “Dddddie SsssssAUK, oooooom”
Omie: “Dit klink goed, vir watter posisie?”
Outjie: “ ’nnn nnnnnnuuuus lllleser, ooooom”
Omie: Effe uit die veld geslaan: “En dink jy jy staan ‘n goeie kans om die werk te kry boet?”
Outjie: ‘Nnnnnneee ooooom”
Omie: “Maar hoekom nie?”
Outjie: “Wwwwwant eeeeek iiiiiis ssseker maar te fffffffffokken lank!!”
(82) Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: “What in the hell is that?”
Jane: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.”
Arlene: “Where did you get it?”
Jane: “You can get them at any pharmacy.”
”Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
(83) 'n Amerikaanse toeris doen “white water rafting” op die Oranjerivier en Gatiep is sy toergids.
Die Amerikaner vra vir Gatiep: “Do you know psychology, methodology, biology or geology?
Gatiep antwoord: “Nei Master, never heard those big words!”
Amerikaner: “You sure don’t know a lot my friend?”
Gatiep vra die Amerikaner: ”Do you know swimonology and escapology away from crocodology?”.
Amerikaner: “What the fuck you mean??”
Gatiep: “Well, today you going to learn versuiptology just before you see joumoerology.”
(84) The one guy was telling his friend, “My girlfriend suffers from a very peculiar condition. Every time she sneezes she has an orgasm.”
“But that’s terrible!” answers the friend, “Is she using something for it?”
“Yes” answers the guy, “pepper!”
(85) Raja and his date were parked on a back road some distance from Durban, doing what boys and girls do.
Things were getting hot and heavy when his date stopped Raja.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a call girl and I charge R120," she said.
Raja just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After a cigarette, Raja just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" the girl asked.
"Well, I really should have mentioned this before," said Raja, "but I'm actually a taxi driver. The fare back to Durban is R130.”
(86) Man op die hospitaalbed het heavy maagpyn! Hy try 'n wind los en bekak sy hele hosiptaalbed. Hy gryp die laken en gooi dit by die venster uit.
'n Dikgesuipte boemelaar stap op die sypaadjie en die vuil lakens val op hom.
Hy slaan, klap en gaan tekere tot die laken af is.
Die sekuriteitswag by die hoek van die straat vra vir die ou: "Wat het gebeur?"
Boemelaar:"Ek weet nie, maar ek het nou net die kak uit daai spook gemoer!”
*Jy weet jy is in Brakpan as jou girl se ouma verwag.
*As 'n Brakpanner verby n dam loop gooi die eende vir hom brood.
*Hoe vind 'n Brakpanner sy sussie in die donker? Blerri lekker.
*In Brakpan kan hulle net tot 3 tel: 1L Brandewyn, 2L Coke, 3L Cortina.
*6uur in die aand sluit die Brakpanners hulle kinders in die huis toe sodat die honde buite kan speel.
*Brakpan pickup line: “Ek weet jy's ni 'n klip ni maar kan ek jou maar gooi?” ......
*..... of: “Hey koekie, gaan jy buk of kan ek jou maar trip?”
*Kan iemand asb. vir die Brakpanners die verskil tussen sneeu en kokaiene verduidelik.. julle is nie op 'n trip nie, dis brain freeezzzz!!
*In Brakpan loop die honde in pare, hulle is bang die kinders byt.
*As 'n Brakpanner die lotto wen...sit hy Ferrari mags op sy Cortina.
*Hoe weet jy iemand kom van Brakpan af? As hy dink "fast food" is om 'n rooibok op 150km/h met sy Cortina te slaan.
*Die deurmekaarste dag op Brakpan is vadersdag.
*Brakpanners se huise lyk almal dieselfde; Die vensters is getint en fondasies is gedrop.
*Wat is die verskil tussen 'n Brakpan girl en 'n muskiet? As jy ŉ muskiet klap hou hy op suig.
*Brakpan girls is goedkoper as ‘please call me's’.
*Jy weet jy's in Brakpan as die kinders dink Jack Daniels is familie.
*Hulle sê dat Brakpanners so arm is dat hulle die kinders op die grasperk laat kak sodat die diewe kan dink daar is waghonde op die erf.
*Party Brakpanners laat weer die hoenders in die sitkamer kak om die grasperk skoon te hou.
(88) The Pastor's Ass
The moral of the story: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery ... even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
(89) Are you deaf !?
"Okay," the little girl said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, with typical politicians wisdom "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss refugees, computers, or climate change, when you don't know shit?"
(91) My favourite one-liners
Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?
A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis, her mom said: " You should have asked me last night, it was at the tip of my tongue."
A: Never bin laidon
A: Because as kids white men had toys to play with!
Q: Why are most Guidos named Tony?
A: She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice."
A: So they don’t poke her eye out.
A: Beat it, we’re closed.
A: Because they’ve got big mouths and little dicks.
Q: What do you get if you cross a gay midget with a vampire?
Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian that took Viagra?
A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
Q: What do you get when you cross a whore with a systems engineer?
Q: What do you call it when a boy and girl make love for the first time?
A: Cumming of Age.
(92) My favourite blond jokes
Q: What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A: A blow job with handlebars
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide"
Q: Why did the blonde get blown up into pieces
A: Because she bought a Palestinian Blow Up Doll from the Sex Shop
Q: Why did the blonde jump over the glass wall?
A: So she could see what was on the other side!
How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
Three women are on death row in Utah (death penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the brunette yells, "Earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The redhead then screams, "Tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready....Aim...." The blonde shouts, "Fire!"
You know you are a blond if you think a G-string is part of a violin.
You know you are a blond if you think Anus is the Latin word for yearly.
You know you are a blond if you believe Testicles are found on an octopus.
You know you are a blond if you think an umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
You know you are a blond if you believe a diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
You know you are a blond if you're think lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
You know you are a blond if you think Sodomy is a special kind of fast growing grass. You know you are a blond if you believe Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
You know you are a blond if you think Douche is the Italian word for twelve.
You know you are a blond if you think an enema is someone who is not your friend.
You know you are a blond if you believe Menopause is a button on the VHS remote control.
Teacher: "Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Johnny says " Mas-ter-bate." Ms Hall smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Hall, you’re thinking of a blowjob."
93.Three nuns died and went to heaven. When they arrived there, St, Peter welcomed them but told them they will each have to answer one question before they will be allowed through the pearly gates.
So the first nun approached and St. Peter asks her, “Who was the first man on earth?”
The nun answered “Adam of cource”
And the trumpets sound and the angels sang and the pearly gates opened.
The second nun steps up and St. Peter asks her, “Who was the first woman on earth”?”
“Well Eve of cource” she answers.
And the trumpets sound and the angels sang and the pearly gates open.
The third nun steps up and St. Peter asks her, “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they first met?”
“That’s a hard one” answers the nun.
And the trumpets sound.......
94. A guy meets a girl and told het he was an Olympic champion in diving. Trying to impress her he took her to a swimming pool and performed some of his popular dives for her. From the high divingboard he does a few forward somersaults, backward somersaults, swallows etc.
Not to be outdone the girl tells him she can also swim.
She dived into the pool naked and completed about fifty lengths of the pool with no sweat.
"Hell!" said the fellow, "Are you also an Olympic champion?"
"No" said the girl, "I'm a Venitian prostitute working both sides of the canal"
95. A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 15 years. as he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of the bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
96. A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.
97. Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton were on the Titanic. On that fateful night the ship hit an iceberg and began to sink.
98. An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
"I would like it infrequently", she replied.
99. An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.'
100. After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
101. A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."
102. A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
3. And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth
103. A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants!
104. A mother and daughter are talking about the facts of life. The girl says, "Mommy, what's a penis?"
Then the girls says, "So what's a prick?"
105. A couple of weeks ago, I played with new member who shot an even par 72.
We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week. He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."
The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee this time playing left-handed. Again he shoots a 72.
I then asked him :"How come some times you play right-handed and other times, left-handed."
He said,"When I wake up in the morning and my wife is sleeping on her left side, I play left- handed and if she is on her right side, then I play right- handed."
I then ask ;"So,what if she is laying flat on her back?"
"That's when I'll be a half hour late!" he replied
106. A salesman's car breaks down, so he asks a farmer to let him spend the night, and the farmer agrees. In the middle of the night, the salesman wakes up and is really thirsty, so he decides to go to the barn and get some milk from a cow.
107. A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
108. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
109. A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The guy replies, “No kidding! You think I asked for a 14 inch Bic!?”
110. Give Women...
111. It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
112. What's For Lunch?
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"
Again the man thoroughly looks her over and, again, answers, "A quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over. She reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
113. A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
114. A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.
115. The bartender says “You can’t have that thing in here! Get out!” The guy says “It’s okay, this Alligator is highly trained. Just give me a few seconds and I’ll show you.”
The man grins around the room. Having a new audience, he clears his throat and says “This is Allie the Amazing Alligator, and he is so well-trained that I can do this,” He balls up his fist and gives the alligator a swift crack on the head. “OPEN!” He says. The alligator opens his mouth. Before the bartender can do anything, the man unzips his fly and whips it out. He gingerly places his penis in the front of the alligator’s gaping maw. He wallops the alligator once more and says “CLOSE!” And the alligator ever-so-gently closes his terrifying jaws comfortably around his junk. One last time, he raps his head and says “OPEN!” He removes his unharmed manhood, and tucks it safely back into his pants.
The crowd applauds, and he takes a bow. With all eyes still focused on him, he says “Now, any of you guys have the balls to do that, I’ll buy you a drink and give you fifty dollars.” Silence falls over the bar, and everyone looks around for someone who might be willing to take the bet. After a few endless, uncomfortable seconds, A little dude in the back slowly raises his hand and says “I’ll do it, but you have to promise not to hit me so hard.”
116. One rainy Sunday afternoon, a young couple were on their way to their Church to get married. On the way there, their car lost control and slammed into a telephone pole – killing them both instantly.
117. While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. In conversation, he asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says she surround sherself with intelligent people, which helps her to make wise decisions. He asks how she knows if the people around her are intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen.
118. A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"
119. A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
120. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
121. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
122. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
123. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
124. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
125. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
126. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)
127. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
128. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
129. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...
130. There was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance that he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.
God smiled and said, "I did....think about it....who can he tell about this?"
131. t's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
132. The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
133. Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
134. A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had b**bs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
The mother told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”
Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “pee-pees” than his dad.
His mother explained, “The bigger they are the dumber that person is.”
Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play.
136. A guy asked his friend Steve, a notorious ladies' man, how he satisfies women.
"I just slam my penis on the dresser until it is numb - and then I can go for hours," bragged Steve.
That night the guy slammed his dick on the dresser while his wife was in the bathroom.
"Steve," she called out, "is that you?"
137. Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
“Damn. All I've got is thirty.”
“Hold on,” she says and runs back to Harry.
What can he get for thirty dollars?”
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a HUGE cock. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
138. A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.
Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
139. Miss Beatrice, The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat..
140. A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
141. Krisjan: "Goeie more. Maak vol met Super, asseblief."
Krisjan: "Vol asseblief."
Krisjan: "Noooo problem..... Good day to you, Sir. I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propellant of my motorized vehicle. Therefore, I cordially request you to transfer, from your subterranean reservoir, a sufficient quantity of combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim."
Krisjan: "Do you have a problem Sir? I thought you said you spoke English?"
Krisjan: "My dear Sir, are you veritably attempting to insinuate that you do not even recognize the language which you allege to be your singular means of communication?"
Krisjan: "Let me attempt to elucidate in the most elementary terms your paltry grasp of the English vernacular is frittering away the time at my disposal, or, as I would put it, in a more civilized, intelligible language....
Dit is fokken duidelik dat jy FOkkOL van Engels weet. So, kry jou slapgat in rat en maak hierdie bliksemse kar se tank vol voordat ek hier uitklim en jou moer, want jy mors my donnerse tyd!!!!!!!!! Verstaan jy nou?!!"
Attendant: "Ja,Meneer. Vol, Meneer! Afrikaans is beter, Meneer!"
142. The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U..
143. Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation,
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers
144. Levels Of Stress
145. While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old South African farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Posted by Stes de Necker at Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Because that's what scorpions do.
My gunsteling Grappe ~ My favourite Jokes Part 1...
Die Christendom van Suid Afrika in ballingskap
Louis Kirsten - 26/02/1920 - 21/06/86
Ons unieke Kleurlingtaal