ngokushesha nje lapho ngingena esitokisini sasejele, inhloko yesitokisi, emva kokuba ishoshozelwe amaphoyisa amabi, yaqala ukungisongela: “lalela, vuma! kungenjalo uzohlupheka!” ngokubona ukuthi anginakuwamukela umbono wakhe, wahlela nezinye iziboshwa ukuba zingijezise nganoma iyiphi indlela engaba khona: abanginikanga lutho ukuba ngidle, abanginikanga amanzi ashisayo, bangilalisa phansi kusimende obandayo njalo ebusuku, futhi bangenza ukuba ngenze umsebenzi ongcolile, okhathazayo. uma ngingawuqedile kwakudingeka ukuthi ngisebenze isikhathi esengeziwe, futhi uma ngingazange ngiwenze kahle ngangihlukunyezwa ngamazwi futhi bangijezise ngokuthi bangenze ngime…. nsuku zonke kwakudingeka ngibhekane nokuhlekwa usulu, ukwehliswa isithunzi, ukubandlululwa, ukushaywa nokuhlukunyezwa ngamazwi ngezinye iziboshwa. ngaphezu kwalokho, imali yami yayithathwe ngamaphoyisa amabi ngakho, ngaphandle kwemali egameni lami, ngangingakwazi ukuthenga izidingo zansuku zonke. ngangingazi ukuthi lezi zinsuku ziyophela nini futhi ngaphakathi ngezwa usizi olukhulu, isizungu esikhulu kanye nobuhlungu obukhulu, ngifisa njalo ukuphuma kule ndawo yobudemoni ngokushesha ngangokunokwenzeka. kodwa lapho ngifuna ngokwengeziwe ukuphuma kulesi simo, inhliziyo yami yayiba mnyama futhi icindezeleke ngokwengeziwe, futhi izinyembezi zizehlela emehlweni ami. ngingenamandla, ngangingatshela kuphela unkulunkulu ngokuphindelela ngosizi lwami, ngethemba ngobuqotho ukuthi unkulunkulu uzophinde angihole futhi angenze ngikwazi ukulalela izinhlelo kanye namalungiselelo akhe. unkulunkulu uyangisiza futhi angisekele ngazo zonke izikhathi, futhi uphinde asebenzise amazwi akhe ukuze angikhanyisele nokuba angihole: “akunandaba ukuthi unkulunkulu usebenza kanjani noma ukuthi usendaweni enjani, uyokwazi ukulwela ukuphila, ukulwela ukukhula komsebenzi kankulunkulu, nokulwela iqiniso. lokhu kubizwa ngokuthi ukholo oluqotho, futhi kuwuhlobo lothando oluyiqiniso noluhle kunalo lonke” (“labo abapheleliswayo kumele bacwengwe kuqala” kwethi izwi livela lisenyameni). amazwi kankulunkulu ayefana nomama onothando ethulisa ingane ecindezelekile, futhi anginikeza induduzo nesikhuthazo. ngezwa sengathi unkulunkulu wayeseceleni kwami engibhekile futhi elindele ukuba ngikwazi ukulondoloza ukholo lwami lweqiniso kunkulunkulu ngaphambi kukasathane, ngikhuthazelele ubuhlungu ngokuthula ukuze ngikwazi ukuthanda nokwanelisa unkulunkulu phakathi kwezimo ezibuhlungu kanye nalapho ngihlaselwe amandla obumnyama, futhi ngifakaze ngonkulunkulu—lobu ubufakazi obunamandla kakhulu obuhlazisa usathane. nakuba ngangibanjwe kulo mphandu wodeveli, uthando lukankulunkulu lwalulokhu lukanye nami. lapho ngibhekene nokuhlukunyezwa ngonya kanye nokuhlushwa futhi ngizizwa ngibuthakathaka, nalapho ngikhuthazelela ukuhlaselwa usathane futhi ngizwa ubuhlungu nokucindezeleka, ngaso sonke isikhathi ngangibona ilungiselelo likankulunkulu ngokuphila kwami, ngangizwa induduzo yothando lukankulunkulu, futhi ngangibona isandla sikankulunkulu singivulela indlela yokuphuma. unkulunkulu ngaso sonke isikhathi ungasohlangothini lwami, ngacabanga, uyanginakekela futhi ukanye nami. uthando lukankulunkulu lukhulu kakhulu, kungenzeka kanjani ukuba ngidumaze intando yakhe? akudingeki ukuba nginake inyama yami nokuba ngizame ukubalekela izimo unkulunkulu angihlelele zona. kudingeka ngikhumbule ukholo enganginalo ngaphambili, nginikele uthando lwami lweqiniso kunkulunkulu futhi nginikeze ubufakazi ngonkulunkulu ngaphambi kukasathane. ngokucabanga ngalezi zinto, ubuhlungu enhliziyweni yami baphela, futhi ngazimisela ukuthanda nokwanelisa unkulunkulu ngisho noma ngibhekana nabo bonke ubuhlungu. ngazithola sengicula iculo lokuhlangenwe nakho: “ngenhliziyo nangomoya, kungani umuntu angeke amthande unkulunkulu? unkulunkulu uyangisekela, yini--ke engingayesaba? ngazimisela ukulwa nosathane kuze kube sekugcineni. unkulunkulu uyasiphakamisa futhi kufanele sishiye yonke into ngemuva futhi sihlanganyele ekuhluphekeni kukakrisu. ngalungisa uthando nokuzinikela kwami konke kunkulunkulu, futhi ngeza nonkulunkulu enkazimulweni. umoya kankulunkulu ufihlekile enyameni, futhi usebenzile futhi wasihola isikhathi eside. ngenza isifungo sokunikezela inhliziyo nomzimba wami wonke, futhi ngikhokhele unkulunkulu ngomzamo wokuzikhandla nokhathazayo (“umbuso” landelani iwundlu nihlabelele izihlabelelo ezintsha). lapho ngiqinisa ukholo kanye nesifiso sami sokwanelisa unkulunkulu, ngaphinde ngezwa uthando olunesisa lukankulunkulu ngami. unkulunkulu wahlela ukuba isikhulu sejele singinikeze izinto eziningi zokusetshenziswa nsuku zonke. inhliziyo yami yathinteka futhi ngabonga unkulunkulu ngokusuka ekujuleni kwenhliziyo yami. ngemva kwezinsuku ezingama--40, amaphoyisa amabi abona ukuthi akanandlela yokuthola lutho kimi, ngakho angibeka amacala angenasisekelo okuba “yilungu lehlelo,” ase ecela umndeni wami ukuba ukhokhe izinkulungwane ezimbalwa zama--yuan ngaphambi kokungikhulula.