Koeke, terte en persepsies oor seks – dalenatjie se sketsblad
Ek het hierdie vanoggend raakgelees, dink dis die moeite werd om te deel.
Sex and being Afrikaans – the dangers of teaching girls ‘ordentlikheid’
By: Tillie van Niekerk
There are real risks involved with shaming instead of celebrating sexuality – and the proof is in the baked goods, says Tillie van Niekerk.
For some reason we (Afrikaners) enjoy comparing women to baked goods. Calling someone a tert (tart) or a koek(prude) both deliver sexual commentary on women’s choices to engage sexually or not.
Girls are labelled a tert or a slet when they don’t behaveordentlik (proper).
Labelling a Christian Afrikaans girl as ordentlik subtly implies she is (or should be) sexually abstinent. An ordentlike Christian Afrikaans girl is not supposed to move in with her boyfriend or have sex before marriage.
I can hear the tannies gossip, “Sjoe, nee ‘n ordentlikemeisie kan mos nie dit doen nie.” (A good and proper girl won’t do that – ‘that’ meaning something ‘tarty’)
And it’s not considered ordentlik to talk about masturbation (nonetheless practice it!) or make dirty jokes.
I seriously spoke about masturbation (or the fact that I do it) for the first time when I was 21. It was to an English friend of mine, who started this conversation by telling me about her dildo.
Being raised to be a ‘chaste woman’ (in any culture) can not only warp one’s perception of sexuality and sex, but it can even lead one to question one’s own sexual agency.
But here I’m simply writing from my own perspective.
When I was about 10 years old my mom called me one sunny afternoon to come and sit with her on my parents’ bed. I think it was a Saturday and the smell of fresh rusks baking in the oven hung in the air.
More baked goods, I know.
While I plopped down on the bed beside her she took out a sex education/ ‘facts of life’ type book and started reading. I think it went kind of like this: “When two people really love each other…”
A few lines in, the oven’s alarm went off. The rusks were done. And so was the extent of my parental imparted sexual education. Never again did we revisit the book.
Out of curiosity, of course, I took the book to school and showed some friends. We made our own assumptions from what we read and saw, but somehow what we were doing felt naughty.
To me and many of my friends ‘sex’ felt like a bit of a bad word.
For most parents, good Christian Afrikaans parents in my case, it’s always been difficult to talk about sex. They were also brought up in homes where sex was but something to be whispered about.
Even when I was a teenager my father still covered my eyes every time a kissing scene popped up on the TV screen. Not to mention the awkwardness that ensued whenever characters on Dharma and Greg or Will & Gracespoke about the intricacies of sex. Sho! The tension was palpable.
When ordentlikheid leads to risky behaviour
But how can proper behaviour (proper according to the laws of chasteness that is) be risky or dangerous?
For one, I was never taught about sex. As in the logistics thereof. When I put a condom on a guy for the first time I had to tap into my limited knowledge of water balloon making. I was lost.
As much as most parents aim to protect their children, not having knowledge about something like sex does not protect them. It leaves them vulnerable.
When you know nothing about sex you are more likely to be influenced – and especially by sources that aren’t necessarily trustworthy or accurate (school friends, gossip, TV, and the like).
Girls who grow up in very conservative families with values that speak to abstinence are often denied knowledge about sex and their own sexuality for fear of ‘corrupting innocent minds’.
The thinking usually goes like this: If this 16-year-old girl knew how to masturbate and could pinpoint her exact sexual pleasure centres, then…she might lose all self-control and become the biggest tart!
This is so crazy, and yet so ingrained in many people’s thinking.
Worst of all is to have so little trust in women. To me, that’s what it comes down to: an issue of trust. A lack of trust in fact. Trust that if you had said knowledge you are going to go against the church, against the family and screw anything that walks.
This distrust diminishes a woman’s ability to see her own sexual needs – mainly because she was never taught to own them.
To me, having any kind of interest in sex was never celebrated. Instead, it was questioned and shamed. This is how many of my peers feel. And never given access to proudly own or be granted access to primal sexual desires, needs and agency can be very dangerous for women.
When women are not given the knowledge to own their needs and their rights when it comes to sex (whether or not they want to engage in premarital or marital, gay, straight or whichever damn sex they choose) it can play out in various clandestine and unforseen ways.
They are likely to experience sexual relationships or encounters where they are left unsatisfied, afraid to ask for what they want in bed, or even worse – it can leave them open to being abused and coerced into doing acts they might not want to do but feel they have no power to say no to.
Trust women and girls instead of shaming them and dismissing them as baked goods under the guise of ordentlikheid.
From now on, we’re Banting.
24/07/2017 dalenatjie	ordentlikheid, seks
9 thoughts on “Koeke, terte en persepsies oor seks”
Ek het die begin lees, myself vererg en toe weer nou hier op jou blog verder gelees. Alles goed en wel.
Help my reg, maar die is baie veralgemeend, is dit nie? Ek weet nie wat my ouers gedink het nie. Hulle het nooit met my die “talk” gehad nie. Inteendeel, my pa se idee van die talk was “As jy haar swanger maak, sorg jy vir haar! Nie ek nie. Ek het nie geld om vir jou te gee nie!”
Waar is dit in die artikel? Seks is all good en well en vir sommiges van ons, die lekkerste 3 minute van ons lewens (op ‘n slag) maar let’s face it: Seks het gevolge.
Ek myself is nie ‘n ouer nie. Maar ek kan tog verstaan waar die ouer gade vandaan gekom het met hulle preutse grootmaak van die kinders. Eerder jaag jy hulle bietjie die skrik op die lyf, laat hulle wegbly van dit af totdat hulle oud genoeg is om self dinge uit te sort vir hulle self?
Voorkoming is beter as verkeerd kom after all…
24/07/2017 at 10:28
ek dink ek het perongeluk op die post gecomment in stede van om op jou reaksie te reply
24/07/2017 at 13:36
Dit is jammer dat die skrywer nie ‘n paragraaf of twee gewei het aan die feit dat, al is seks wonderlik en goed en nie ‘n vloekwoord nie, dit steeds iets is wat jy nie ligtelik moet benader en uitdeel asof jy met ‘n pakkie pamflette by ‘n robot staan nie. In een van die Reenboogrant boeke (onthou julle nog daai?), het een van die hoofkarakters se Pa, toe sy met een of ander ou ‘n warm besigheid begin het, vir haar gesê dat seks lekker is maar saam met die regte persoon is dit soveel lekkerder.
My ouers het ook nie met my die talk gehad nie, my ma het net vir my ‘n boek in die hand gestop en gesê dat ek moet onthou dat mens dit in ‘n stoel ook kan doen (ek vermoed daar was dalk ‘n verwysing van ’rondlê by al wat ‘n man is op die radio of TV, vandaar die stoel verwysing). Wat ek geweet het ek voordat ek seksueel aktief geraak het, het ek hoofsaaklik (in volgorde van belangrikheid) by boeke, maats en flieks geleer.
Ek hoop dat ek as ouer my kinders al die tools kan gee om, as die tyd kom, die regte besluit te neem. Want ek kan nie sy hand die heeltyd vashou nie, ek kan maar net hoop dat dit wat ek en Manlief vir hom geleer het hom sal lei en dat die voorbeeld wat ons gestel het oor die lyflike en die liefde en die verskil/ooreenkoms daartussen vir hom ‘n rigtingwyser sal wees.
24/07/2017 at 12:58
Dis daar waar jy, as jy die gelowige soort is, begin te bid vir ‘n vale! Ek sal so bekommerd wees as my niebestaande kinders hulle tiener jare moet slaan!
24/07/2017 at 14:21
Einste, jy weet immers waar hulle gene vandaan kom!
24/07/2017 at 14:37
Die artikel raak ‘n paar goeie punte aan,soos dat mens nie skaam moet wees oor jou seksualiteit nie,maar ek dink ook dis iets waarmee jy nie rondspeel nie.Daar is te veel emosie by betrokke om dit net as ‘n pretrit😜😄te beskou!
24/07/2017 at 15:14
Jy slaan die spyker op die kop! (no pun, belowe…)
24/07/2017 at 15:39
Ek was in my jong dae diaken en ongelukkig het die kerk mense wat saamwoon getug as hulle jong was maar ouer mense wat suip is grd^r Ag siestog… wag ek moet nie begin nie