Dr. Bronner's Soap

{{Sources}}[[File:Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap.jpg|right|thumb|165px|Magical soap. Woo!]]{{altmed}}[[File:Bronner FullLabel.jpg|thumb|right|The full label. No, it really ''is'' all text. Possibly the ultimate [[word salad]]! But please, "Don't drink soap!"]]
'''Dr. Bronner's Soap''' is a liquid<ref group=note>Except when it's a bar.</ref> peppermint<ref group=note>Except when it's almond, rose, eucalyptus, "citrus orange," lavender, tea tree, or unscented "baby mild."</ref> soap with [[Fun:Dr. Bronner's Soap|weird quasi-religious ranting ''all'' over the label]].

It is unclear exactly what his point is, except it vaguely has something to do with uniting the human race into "all-one" by following something called the "Moral ABC."  For many years, nobody knew quite what the Moral ABC was, but as of May 2014 the labels explain it as apparently a syncretic quasi-religious text compiled by Bronner himself (which can be ordered from his company for $2 US). Alongside exhortations to familiar virtues such as hard work and self-discipline are references to a weird [[birth control]] method he claims came from [[Essene Gospel of Peace|Essene scrolls]]; [[Bible]] quotes; fabricated [[Confucius]] quotes; instructions on how to use his soap in various ways to cleanse the body, mind, soul, and spirit; and references to [[Jesus]], [[Karl Marx]], Hillel the Elder, [[Buckminster Fuller]], Rudyard Kipling, and [[multilevel marketing]] and profit-sharing schemes. Interwoven with all this are frequent allusions to a struggle between "half-truth" and "full-truth" although what Bronner means by those terms is anybody's guess (you may be noticing a pattern here). His obsessive use of unnecessary hyphens is likely due to his being a non-native English speaker; it does parallel his manner of speech.

==Bronner's life==
"Dr." Bronner was born Emanuel Heilbronner in 1908 to [[Judaism|Jewish]] parents in Heilbronn, [[German Empire|Germany]].<ref group=note>Interestingly, he dropped the "Heil" from his surname in response to the rise of [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]].</ref> He claimed to be a Ph.D., Essene rabbi, and "master chemist." He wasn't either of the first two,<ref group=note>Though since the Essenes haven't existed as a group in about two thousand years it's not as if there's a certification program to say he ''can't'' call himself an Essene rabbi.</ref> but one supposes anyone who made such good soap could call themselves a master chemist.{{efn|For multiple generations, under the company name ''Madaform Seifenfabrik Heilbronner & Cie'', the Heilbronner family made liquid soap in the town of Laupheim, Germany. This soap was ''also'' relatively well known in Germany during that time period.<ref>[https://www.faz.net/aktuell/gesellschaft/bronner-s-auf-spurensuche-in-heilbronn-14476140.html?printPagedArticle=true "Auf Spurensuche in Heilbronn"] von Jennifer Wiebking, Franffurter Allgemeine, 2016 October 17</ref>}} Bronner emigrated to the [[United States|U.S.]] in 1929; his parents stayed behind and perished in the [[Holocaust]]. His wife also died in 1944, around the same time that he received news of his parents' deaths. This confluence of tragedy convinced him of the need to spread his plan for world peace. Though he never gained a large audience, one particularly-enthusiastic follower decided the best way to bring attention to Bronner's message was to have himself crucified and did so.<ref>[http://news.google.com/newspapers?id=b3gyAAAAIBAJ&sjid=q7YFAAAAIBAJ&pg=2291,4997250&hl=en "Crucifixion" Believed Stunt To Publicize Utopian Scheme,] ''The Palm Beach Post'' (West Palm Beach, FL), March 10, 1945. "Police Capt. Patrick O'Connell said that in 30 years of police work he had 'never seen anything like this.'"</ref>

==Spread==
In the 1960s and into the 1970s, the [[hippie]] subculture embraced Dr. Bronner's soaps, mostly for its "far out" labels calling for peace, the fact that they could wash just about everything (their jeans, the dog, the dishes, the VW bus, and occasionally themselves) with the all-natural soap, and that Dr. Bronner was a real person and not a mascot thought up by an ad agency.{{efn|[[Ironically]], Bronner was antipathetic about the hippie movement. Bronner's own personal politics were (naturally) anti-[[Nazi]], fervently anti-[[Communist]], and conspiratorial (believing in, among other things, [[water fluoridation]] conspiracies.)<ref>[https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-2007-jul-13-et-bronner13-story.html "Clean living? Well, a colorful life, at least"] by Kevin Crust, Los Angeles Times, 2007 July 13</ref> In one report on his tiny All-One-Faith church gathering in 1978, Bronner spoke nonstop about a "jumble of topics: [[Richard Nixon]] was the most courageous president we ever had; the riots at the {{wpl|1968 Democratic National Convention|1968 Democratic Convention}} in Chicago were a production of the communists, in which the rioters provoked the police into retaliation; [[Watergate]] was a frame-up instigated by the [[Democrats]] to discredit Nixon; after [[World War II]], Communist assassins murdered sixty-six of the most prominent Americans who were opposed to their plans of conquest."<ref name="sanreader">[https://www.sandiegoreader.com/news/1978/nov/02/cover-look-for-the-soap-with-the-peace-plan-on-the/ "Dr. Bronner invented the peppermint oil soap for soiled diapers"] by Chuck Fager, San Diego Reader, 1978 November 2</ref>}}

Bronner died in 1997, but his soap had such a cult following by then that it is still made<ref group=note>Along with a line of all-natural conditioners, lotions, and balms.</ref> and is now a family business run by his children and grandchildren with the same weird religious messages all over the label.<ref group=note>The labels for the bars, unfortunately, have fewer messages, though the bars themselves have ALL-ONE! stamped into them.</ref> The company says these labels will only change as required by law, and their website helpfully provides links to enlarged versions of the labels so that you too can "work hard to be perfect pilot-provider-builder-trainer-teacher-lover-mate, no half-true hate!"<ref>[http://www.drbronner.com/dr_bronners_philosophy.html Dr. Bronner's Philosophy on Quart Label Blow-Ups]</ref>  (Only ''true'' hate, presumably.)

==The verdict==
[[The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy|Mostly harmless.]] 

People like this who make at least a little bit of sense go on to become the next [[L. Ron Hubbard]]. Those who don't make any sense at all like Bronner just go up into the California hills to make soap for a living.  And it's something to read in the shower; with all its rhyming you might even sing bits of it.

Despite the rambling tone of the text, Bronner actually had some pretty decent ideas. Underneath all the craziness his messages focus on positive things like forgiveness, universal brotherhood, and helping others to do their best.<ref>Or as [http://www.maxim.co.uk/fashion/grooming/16933/dr_bronners_magic_soap.html one article] put it, Bronner was "as mad as a box of frogs, but a good box of frogs."</ref> He also espoused what he called "constructive [[capitalism]]" which says it's fine to make money (he claimed a net worth of $6 million, or around $59 million in 2015 dollars) as long as you share with your employees and the larger community, which come to think of it is a much more reasonable idea than a lot of what the ''mainstream'' critics of capitalism say. Bronner and his company have donated lots of time, money, and even over 1,000 acres of forested mountaintop land worth well over a million dollars to children's charities, and he was big on [[sustainability]], [[fair trade]], and treating workers well. 

That said, he himself had some dubious morals.  He abandoned his children at an orphanage (where they were continually abused), only visiting them a couple times a year—and even then he played favorites with them.<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snsepeHmvHg</ref>  It took some chutzpah (or maybe insanity, which he had in bunches) to then turn around and lecture the world about the "Moral ABC". Then again, as mentioned earlier in the article, his wife died at the same time he learned his parents were exterminated in the Holocaust. That would have broken anyone. 

After his death, his children (the current owners) carried on in his footsteps, donating money and labor – and of course many crates of soap – to educational projects and other worthy endeavors around the world. The company<ref group=note>If you've read this far, you will not be surprised to learn that the company's registered legal name is All-One-God-Faith, Inc.[http://investing.businessweek.com/research/stocks/private/snapshot.asp?privcapId=41389095]</ref> is a worker-owned co-operative where the CEO can't make more than five times the salary of the lowest paid worker, and his family is proud of that, as they should be.<ref>[http://thesunmagazine.org/archives/764?page=2 Next To Godliness]. The Sun Magazine</ref> His life, legacy, and soap were the subjects of a documentary, ''Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap Box'', released in 2006. 

For the record, it's really a damn good soap.<ref>[http://www.amazon.com/Dr-Bronners-Magic-Soaps-Pure-Castile/dp/B00120VWJ0 Well, that's what the Amazon reviewers say.]</ref> It builds mountains of lather from just a few drops and cuts grease like none other. It also comes in bar form and several scents other than peppermint. At any rate, admit it: you probably would not have bought this soap without reading this article first.

The company has recently branched out into a number of other products, all of which have their own all-text labels. These include toothpaste, "Sal Suds" biodegradable cleaner, shaving soap, lip balm, hair care & skin products, and coconut oil, the last of which is advertised as being both a skin care product ''and'' a cooking ingredient at the same time.

==Hemp activism==
Adding to the soap's popularity, the company funded and coordinated litigation against the Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) when an attempt was made to make the importation of [[hemp]] oil and seeds illegal (Hemp oil is a major ingredient in the soaps). The Ninth Circuit Board of Appeals ruled against the DEA on 6 February 2004.<ref group=note>That would have been [[Bob Marley]]'s 54th birthday, mon!</ref><ref>http://www.votehemp.com/legal_cases_DEA.html</ref> David Bronner, the good doctor's grandson, is on the Board of Advisors for the Hemp Industries Association.<ref>http://www.thehia.org/board_of_directors.html</ref>

==Uses==
*Face/body wash (2-3 drops on wet hands or washcloth, apply to face/body in shower - but be careful around your eyes)
**The unscented variety makes a first-rate dog shampoo, at least if you don't need a flea soap
*Shampoo (dilute 1:5 (or stronger) in warm water and apply to hair)
*Shaving cream (work 10 drops to a lather in hands and apply to face/underarms/legs)
*Toothpaste (1 drop on a toothbrush - yes, it tastes terrible, which is probably why the company now makes an actual toothpaste)
*Treatment for sinus congestion (soak towel in hot water with 2-3 drops - apply to face and gently inhale mist)
*Dishwashing liquid (dilute 1:10 in hot water, apply to sponge)
*Laundry detergent (½ cup soap for a large load in a normal washer)
*Mopping liquid (dilute 1:5 in hot water)
*Window cleaner (dilute 1:10 in squirt bottle)
*Toilet bowl cleaner (Squirt into toilet and add baking soda)
*Plant spray (1-2 drops in large squirt bottle) to kill insect pests

==Minor problems==
You may want to use a second empty bottle and dilute the liquid soap before you use it, unless you enjoy smelling like a breath mint.  Alternatively, you could buy the unscented variety.

Rationalists with a functioning uterus should note that his birth control method is considered ill-advised. The lemon juice will irritate and perhaps burn your insides.<ref>[http://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/904/why-the-weird-religious-ravings-on-dr-bronners-soap Why the weird religious ravings on Dr. Bronner's soap?] (''The Straight Dope'', 1998-04-22)</ref> And the peppermint variety of Dr. Bronner's soap can sting your "sensitive areas."<ref>[http://www.essentialdayspa.com/forum/viewthread.php?tid=30230 Review :: Dr. Bronner's Peppermint Liquid Soaps]</ref>

==See also==
{{fun}}
*[[Essay:Dr Bronner's Pure-Castile Soap]]
*[[Time Cube]] &ndash; similarly incomprehensible nonsense, though the author of this one doesn't appear to have Dr. Bronner's "nice guy underneath it all" angle, nor having an actually useful product.
*[[Word salad]] — Also, do not eat!

==External links==
*[http://www.drbronner.com Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps]
*[http://magicsoapbox.vhx.tv/ Dr. Bronner's Magic Soapbox] — the 2006 film

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
{{reflist|2|80%}}

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[[Category:Bible woo]]
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[[Category:Chemistry]]
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Categories: Bible woo, California, Chemistry, Jews, Propaganda, Woo