John Boehner

[[File:John Boehner golf.jpg|thumb|right|168px|I drive a Rolls Royce/'Cos it's good for my back.]]{{uspolitics}}
{{cquote|[[Freedom]] means you can be a genius and invent new products that make you millions of dollars and helps millions of people. It means you're free to work your way to becoming the first in your family to go to college. It means you're free to reach as high as you want, no matter where you came from, even if you're a little kid sweeping a bar out in southwest Ohio. Take it from me, you'll never know where you'll end up. That's freedom. I'll raise a glass to that any day. P.S.: [[Ted Cruz]], go fuck yourself.|||John Boehner<ref>[https://twitter.com/sadhosays/status/1378008875157221382 Audiobook outtakes!]</ref>}}

'''John Boehner''' {{lived|1949}}, aka "'''The Orange Overlord'''"<ref>[http://wonkette.com/434109/new-orange-overlord-begins-reign-of-terror "It's Morning in America: New Orange Overlord Begins Reign Of Terror"], ''Wonkette''</ref> and the "'''Weeper of the House'''",<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20101214051227/http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/12/13/eveningnews/main7146604.shtml John Boehner: 'Weeper of the House?'], CBS News</ref> was the tangerine-hued [[asshole|jackhole]] (not to be confused with [[Donald Trump|that other one]]) who led the [[Republican Party|Republican]]-held [[House of Representatives]] throughout the majority of [[Barack Obama|Obama's]] second term.  He represented the 8<sup>th</sup> District of [[Ohio]], an area encompassing mostly rural counties in the westernmost part of the state, close enough to be demographically indistinguishable from [[Indiana]].

He enjoyed "nice conversations"<ref>Boehner [[tone troll]]ing Obama after [http://www.thestar.com/news/world/2013/10/02/us_government_shutdown_political_bungling_mocked_worldwide.html failing to prevent the crazies in his party drive the US economy towards default.]</ref> and thought his tenure nigh-constantly showed how relentlessly [[Hanlon's Razor|stupid]] he was. Between mixing up the [[US Constitution]] with the [[United States Declaration of Independence]]<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhrgpL0oIvE My Fellow Americans, I Present to You the New Speaker of the House]</ref> and thinking that [[Gitmo]] detainees are more comfortable than "many Americans,"<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20090125113729/http://thinkprogress.org/2009/01/22/gitmo-boehner-detainees/ Boehner’s Alternate Reality: Gitmo Detainees Get ‘More Comforts Than A Lot Of Americans Get’], ThinkProgress</ref> no other party in the world (besides [[UKIP]] and the regimes of several [[theocracies]]) would allow him to be on a stage, let alone be a leader.

==Navy==
He joined the [[US Navy]] after graduating from high school in 1968, but was discharged a few weeks later because he has a "bad back". Currently, one of his favorite leisure activities is playing [[golf]]. Hmm.<ref>[http://www.worldgolf.com/golf-instruction/golfers-back-pain-problems-chiropractor-chris-garner-9628.htm For some context.]</ref> His extensive military career proved to be excellent preparation for his political role as a 
[[chickenhawk]]
 war hawk, though. 

==Stunts==
Some of his more infamous stunts include:
*[[Contract With America]]
*In 1995, he doled out checks from [[tobacco]] [[lobbyist]]s on the floor of the House before a vote on tobacco subsidies.<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20120217023938/http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=washingtonstory&sid=a64ZIkmVPv_w Blunt, Boehner Share Broad Network of Lobbyist Ties With DeLay], Bloomberg</ref> He then issued a "lol whoops sorry" apology and prattled about the importance of [[ethics]] reform in keeping people (like him) from doing things like this.
*Sitting on information regarding [[Florida]] representative Mark Foley sending sexually explicit emails to young male staffers.<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20121013041842/http://www.heraldtribune.com/article/20061005/MULTIMEDIA/61005013 Mark Foley scandal: Chronology of a controversy], ''Sarasota Hearld-Tribune''</ref>
*Backing [[Rich Iott]], the [[Nazi]] reenactment guy, for Representative in the 2010 elections.<ref>[http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/matt-taibbi-the-crying-shame-of-john-boehner-20110105?page=1 "The Crying Shame of John Boehner"], a none-too-flattering portrait of the Weeper by [[Matt Taibbi]].</ref>
*Getting defeated… on a ''light bulb bill''.<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20121130015644/http://www.popularmechanics.com/home/improvement/energy-efficient/what-you-need-to-know-about-the-lightbulb-law-14789203 Conservatives hate efficiency], apparently.</ref>
*Suing the [[Barack Obama|president]]. Literally.<ref>[Gawker.com: [http://archive.ph/http://gawker.com/even-john-boehner-cant-believe-what-a-dick-john-boehner-1595901689? archive.ph], [http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://gawker.com/even-john-boehner-cant-believe-what-a-dick-john-boehner-1595901689? web.archive.org] Even John Boehner Can't Believe What a Dick John Boehner Has to Be Now], Gawker</ref>  (Though there may have been some [[Iron law of institutions|party-saving strategy]] behind it.<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bAQlgrnJdLk A 2 minute theory on John Boehner's lawsuit against Obama], Vox</ref>)

==Speakership==
{{main|Fiscal cliff}}
{{cquote|He's basically an orange traffic cone at this point.|||Drew Magary<ref>''GQ'', "The 25 Least Influential People of 2013"</ref>}}
Just in case the last mistakes were just uninformed errors, Boehner has had serious issues dealing with the [[neoconservative|ultraconservative]] faction of the Republican Party. In the [[fiscal cliff]] debacle, Boehner was unable to rein in the [[Tea Party|Kochsuckers]] for yea votes on Plan B (which would have resulted in a modest [[tax]] hike for a very, ''very'' small portion of rich Americans). Furthermore, a handful of far-right Republicans attempted a coup in which another member (or even outsider) would be voted Speaker. Boehner kept his job, which may not have been such a bad thing considering [[Allen West|some of the alternatives]].  

In due time, Boehner opted to resign and wrap up his career on his own terms. He left in October 2015, flushed for not being ''[[RINO|enough]]'' of an obstructionist far-right loon. He was replaced by [[Paul Ryan]], who himself resigned in January of 2019, just in time to see the Democrats regain control of the House. This entire process shows how the modern GOP is being eaten alive by the [[Tea Party]] nuts, so don't drink that tall, cool glass of [[schadenfreude]] just yet.<ref>David Horsey, [http://www.latimes.com/opinion/topoftheticket/la-na-tt-cleaning-the-barn-boehner-20151027-story.html "'Cleaning the barn,' John Boehner dumps on GOP renegades"], ''LA Times''</ref> Currently, [[Mike Johnson]] is the Speaker of the House, after the [[Freedom Caucus]] tore down [[Kevin McCarthy]] in a similar manner.

==Nostalgia==
He has also said that the Obama Administration is "snuffing out the America that I grew up in."<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20100701022939/http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/pittsburghtrib/news/s_688102.html Obama's good for GOP, Boehner says], ''Pittsburgh Tribune-Review''</ref> Considering that he was born in 1949, this would seem to imply that he is [[Nostalgia|nostalgic]] for, among other things, black-and-white television, black-and-white [[morality]], [[Jim Crow]] laws, the [[Cold War]], [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], [[McCarthyism]], the [[Korean War]] and the first years of the [[Vietnam War]], [[civil disobedience|war protests]] and the [[Kent State]] shootings, the Sherman Antitrust Act, the lingering effects of [[New Deal]] programs, strong [[trade union|labor unions]] and a strong American manufacturing base, the Glass–Steagall Act and other tight regulations of Wall Street, demand side economics, a top marginal tax rate of 75% or more, and [[Democratic Party]] control of both houses of [[Congress]] for most of the first 30 years of his life.

==Up in smoke==
In 2016, Boehner entered a revolving door and joined the board of directors of Reynolds American [[tobacco]] company:<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20160916191815/http://money.cnn.com/2016/09/15/investing/john-boehner-smoking-joins-tobacco-company/ Heavy smoker John Boehner joins tobacco company's board] by Matt Egan (September 15, 2016: 3:23 PM ET) ''CNN''.</ref> doling out those checks on the House floor sure paid off! In 2018, Boehner joined the board of directors of Acreage Holdings, one of the largest [[cannabis]] corporations:<ref>[http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/382614-boehner-joins-board-of-cannabis-company-for-push-for-medical Boehner joins cannabis company board to push for medical use] by Morgan Gstalter (04/11/18 09:14 AM EDT) ''The Hill''.</ref> will Attorney General [[Jeff Sessions]] try to put him in prison?  Alas, Jeff Sessions was sacked before this promoter of The Weed with Its Roots in Hell could face proper justice.

==Surname==
His name is pronounced "bay-ner," not "boner".<ref>[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2006/02/how-to-pronounce-john-boehner.html]</ref>

==References==
{{reflist|2}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Boehner, John}}
[[Category:Chickenhawks]]
[[Category:Former United States Representatives]]
[[Category:Government incompetence]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Neoconservatives]]
[[Category:Ohio]]
[[Category:United States politicians]]

Categories: Chickenhawks, Former United States Representatives, Government incompetence, Living people, Neoconservatives, Ohio, United States politicians