Kim Jong-il

[[File:Kim_Jong-Il.jpg|thumb|165px|You must be this tall to threaten nuclear [[Armageddon]].]]{{communism|1}}
'''Kim Jong Il''' (Korean: 김정일) (or '''Kim Jong-il''', to prevent confusion when using sans serif fonts,<ref>As [[Rick Perry]] famously did [http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2011/12/perrys-latest-oops-kim-jong-second/46394/ when giving his reaction to the Dear Leader's death]</ref> or '''Yuri Irsenovich Kim''' on his Soviet [[birther|birth certificate]]) {{lived|1941|2011}} was the megalomaniac [[totalitarian]] [[dictator]] of [[North Korea]]. [[George Orwell]] had a premonition about Kim and wrote a [[1984|novel]] about a regime eerily similar to his. From the [[Iraq War#Iraq War|fall of Saddam Hussein]] in 2003 until the founding of the [[DAESH|Islamic State]] in 2006, he had no competition for "most repressive regime".

Kim Jong Il was the second member of a dynasty that began with his old man, [[Kim Il Sung]], whose [[personality cult]] was transferred to the son after his death. The elder Kim was (at the very most) an honest-to-something anti-[[colonialism|colonialist]], having fought the [[Japan]]ese during [[World War II]]. The younger one did diddly squat — unless you believe the North Korean press, in which case he wrote ballets, cured [[cancer]], could fly, control the weather, and singlehandedly built an [[nuclear weapon|atomic weapon]]. Nighttime photographs from [[space]] show a peculiar lack of manmade light from the northern half of the Korean peninsula(aside from a single dot, which is the capital, Pyongyang) — an amateur [[astronomy|astronomer's]] paradise, perhaps, but it mostly means they have ''no electricity''.

Kim Jong Il was probably the most repressive dictator on the planet at the time,<ref>[http://edition.cnn.com/2014/11/06/world/asia/north-korea-bodyguard-kim-jong-il/index.html? North Korean defector: 'I was Kim Jong Il's bodyguard'], CNN</ref> continuing his father's trend of making North Korea a [[Police state|giant prison]] no one is allowed to enter or leave. Very few people own [[car]]s, and large segments of the population face [[food crisis|famine]] and [[disease]] thanks to the government's inability to provide even the basic necessities for its citizens (and this was while he employed a servant to inspect every grain of rice served to him and discarded any with the most minor of flaws).<ref name=Telegraph/> At least part of this is due to the fact that military service is [[Conscription|mandatory]] from age 18 to 35, taking some of the most productive members of the work force out of society, and the extreme emphasis on 
Kim's [[porn]] collection
 military spending (the [[Korean War]] never officially ended) also means there are few resources to allocate toward food production. Moreover, he stymied most attempts at foreign investment, despite efforts by [[South Korea]] to help.

In June 2009, Kim officially named his youngest son [[Kim Jong Un]] to be his successor. Not much is known about him other than that he enjoyed Jean-Claude Van Damme movies and Michael Jordan.<ref>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/06/01/AR2009060103750.html?nav=hcmodule Son Named Heir to North Korea's Kim Studied in Switzerland, Reportedly Loves NBA], ''The Washington Post''</ref> On December 17, 2011, Kim Jong Il had the good grace to die, and nothing of value was lost.

==Old True Facts<ref name=Listverse>Listverse's [http://listverse.com/2010/05/30/top-10-crazy-facts-about-kim-jong-il/ Top 10 Crazy Facts About Kim Jong Il] (Even more at Buzzfeed's [http://www.buzzfeed.com/daves4/20-ridiculous-things-you-never-knew-about-kim-jong 20 Ridiculous Things You Never Knew About Kim Jong-il])</ref> About Glorious Dear Leader==
*Born on the Korean Holy Mountain Mount Paekdu. It was foretold by a swallow and heralded by a double rainbow. When he was born, a new [[star]] appeared in the night sky!<ref name=Telegraph> [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/8292848/The-Incredible-Kim-Jong-il-and-his-Amazing-Achievements.html The Incredible Kim Jong-il and his Amazing Achievements], ''The Telegraph''</ref>
**<small>[[truth|Imperialist Lie]]: He was born in the [[Soviet Union]] while his parents were on the run from the Japanese during [[World War II]].</small>
*Glorious Leader was a genius as an infant, with official North Korean biographies stating that he had learned to walk at just 3 weeks and was talking at 8 weeks!<ref name=Telegraph/>
**<small>Imperialist Lie: For the first year of his life, Kim pooped his pants like the rest of us.</small>
*Glorious Leader wrote six full operas in two years and 1500 books while at Kim Il Sung University.<ref name=Telegraph/>
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Even [[L. Ron Hubbard]] wouldn't lie about writing that much.</small>
*Dear leader had the ability to alter the weather simply through the power of thought.<ref name=Telegraph/>
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Kim wishes he was Storm from the X-Men.</small>
*More powerful fashion trendsetter than all of Milan, Paris, or [[NYC|New York]]
**<small>Imperialist Lie: [https://metro.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/wpid-article-1270725884178-09089535000005dc-827974_223x335.jpg?quality=90&strip=all&zoom=1&resize=223%2C335 Dressed like somebody living in a retirement community.]</small>
*Beloved around the world by billions.
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Most people don't know enough about him, but should probably learn more about the man who could have started [[World War III]].</small>
*Invented a meal called the "Double Bread With Meat".
**<small>Imperialist Lie: This is also known as the [[Fun:Sandwich|sandwich]], named after the Earl of Sandwich in the 18th century.</small>
*World's Greatest Golfer: When the first 18-hole [[fun:golf|golf]] course opened in North Korea, Dear Leader posted a -38 with 5 holes in one!
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Some guy named Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.</small>
*Dear Leader was a great movie producer.<ref>''Kim Jong Il on the Art of the Cinema'' by Kim Jong Il (1989) Foreign Languages Publishing House.</ref> Famed South Korean director Shin Sang-ok came north to create a unique masterpiece.
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Shin was kidnapped and imprisoned by Kim, who then made a cheap [[propaganda]] knockoff of ''Godzilla''.<ref>[http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/230576/june-15-2009/stephen-s-sound-advice---how-to-be-a-totalitarian-nutjob Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Be a Totalitarian Nutjob], ''The Colbert Report'' (Aired June 15, 2009)</ref><ref>{{wpa|Pulgasari|''Pulgasari''}}</ref><ref>''A Kim Jong-Il Production: The Extraordinary True Story of a Kidnapped Filmmaker, His Star Actress, and a Young Dictator's Rise to Power'' by Paul Fischer (2015) Flatiron Books. ISBN 1250054273.</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCKSR0JArUQ Pulgasari (1985) North Korean Giant Monster film with english subtitle (FULL MOVIE)] YouTube</ref></small>
*Dear Leader could fly.
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Had a fear of flying and traveled via his bomb-proof train which he had lobsters airlifted to. In truth, he seems to have believed that "If 
God
 Kim Jong Il wanted people to fly, he would have given 
himself
 us wings".</small>
*Was the world's biggest buyer of Hennessy.
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Hennessy confirmed that Kim Jong Il was its biggest customer at one point, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on their [[Alcohol|liquor]].<ref name=Listverse/></small>
*If he got addicted to a [[drug]], everyone else did too!
**<small>Imperialist Lie: Kim was once injured by falling off his horse when it slipped on loose rocks. He was afraid of becoming addicted to the painkillers his doctors prescribed him, so he had members of his administrative staff injected daily with the same dosages he had to take.<ref name=Listverse/> [[Rush Limbaugh]] would be proud.</small>
*He had [[Disability|disabled]] and [[Irony meter|short people]] deported from Pyongyang. The capital must remain a pristine showplace.
**<small>Imperialist Lie: In preparation for the World Festival of Youth and Students in 1989, Kim Jong Il did have disabled residents removed from Pyongyang. The government also distributed pamphlets advertising a wonder drug that would increase the height of short people. Those who responded to the pamphlets were sent away to different uninhabited islands along with the disabled in an [[Eugenics|attempt to rid the next generation of their supposedly substandard genes]].<ref name=Listverse/> Besides, removing ''all'' short people from Pyongyang would have left him in the rather difficult position of having to find a new residence from which to 
terrorize
 rule the country.{{nofact}}</small>

And it seems that his death only inspired a new wave of [[bullshit|True Facts]]. Several Kim-related [[secular]] [[miracle]]s were "reported" after his death.<ref>[http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-16297811 Kim Jong-il death: 'Nature mourns' N Korea leader], BBC News</ref>

==But seriously...==
Shortly after Kim's death, the ''[[NYT]]'''s Nicholas Kristof recalled a few of his encounters during his visit to North Korea. Americans and others had questioned the weepy reactions by North Koreans to the news of the Dear Leader's death. Kristof assured his readers that those reactions were very likely ''genuine'' for one obvious reason — North Koreans have no access to any dissenting voices, and they can't turn off the [[propaganda]], either; they're fully [[brainwash]]ed. Some of his recollections:

*North Korean apartments and public spaces have propaganda speakers that double as clock radios. Everybody wakes up to an onslaught of propaganda every morning ("In his first golf outing, Comrade Kim Jong-il shoots five holes-in-one!"). The ubiquitous propaganda speaker one-ups the likes of [[Stalin]] and [[Mao]], who were limited in their ability to pipe propaganda into every corner of their countries.
*During ongoing famines, the media has "warned starving citizens against overeating by recounting the [[cautionary tale]] of a man who ate his fill, and then exploded."
*He once approached two teenaged girls to ask them questions. As they spoke, their answers became synchronized state propaganda so that at the end they were talking like remote-controlled robots.
*Ever see those satellite photos that show North Korea blacked out at night? It turns out that the police do this so they can go door-to-door and catch people watching videos smuggled in from [[China]], since they can't be ejected without power.{{efn|While it was and still is possible to bribe police into letting it slide, the amount of money involved sounds like a mere pittance to Westerners, but represents weeks or months of what little most North Koreans make.}}
*He also recounts an account from a Bradley Martin book. One of Kim's aides told his wife about the Dear Leader's womanizing. The wife wrote a letter to Kim, chastising him. Kim then brought the woman before a crowd and denounced her. And then ''(shudder)'' — "Her own husband then stepped forward, pleading to be allowed to execute her. This request was granted, and the husband then shot his wife to death."<ref>[http://www.nytimes.com/2011/12/22/opinion/kristof-a-new-kim-a-new-chance.html "A New Kim. A New Chance?"], ''The New York Times''</ref>

==Notes==
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==References==
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[[Category:Socialists]]
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[[Category:Totalitarianism]]

Categories: Anti-Western, Authoritarianism, Asian politicians, Authors, Crimes against humanity, Cult leaders, Dictators, Film-makers, Irredentists, Korea, North Korea, Propagandists, Racists, Socialists, Shysters, Totalitarianism