Biofield flower therapy

{{hatnote|Not to be confused with [[Bach flower remedies]], which are silly, but not as silly as this.}}
{{altmed}}
'''Biofield flower therapy'''<ref group=note>Not "Blofeld," though that would be much cooler.</ref> is based on [[homeopathy]], but is actually dumber.<ref group=note>Yes, you read that correctly.</ref> It was supposedly first perpetrated by a "late Professor Dr Helmut Meyl" (yes, that's "professor doctor") from "the Institute of Biophysical Naturopathic Programming" (obviously the [[Diploma_mill|cutting edge]] in [[Pseudoscience|science]]) allegedly based in D&uuml;sseldorf, [[Germany]].<ref name=wiki4cam>[https://web.archive.org/web/20100703000512/http://www.wiki4cam.org/wiki/Biofield_Flower_Therapy Biofield Flower Therapy] (wiki4cam).</ref> There isn't shred of corroborating evidence avaliable on the web even for ''the existence of'' any "Prof Dr Meyl" (living or dead), nor of the "institute" in question.

The riddle regarding this particular wonder of medicine was [[Biofield_flower_therapy#Actual_source|eventually solved]], however.

==Theory==
The therapy seeks to use "[[Vibrational medicine|vibrational patterns]]"<ref group=note name=vibrations>What is vibrating is not made clear.</ref> claimed to be inherent within flowering plants to restore "biological information transfer" within human systems. The theory is based on the [[quack]] suggestion<ref group=note>Evidently an obscure definition of the word that you were previously unaware of.</ref> that [[scalar wave]]s<ref group=note>"Scalar wave" is the new "[[quantum woo|quantum]]".</ref> within cells can suffer [[quantum woo|quantum]] interference from [[toxin]]s.<ref>Jana Dixon 2006. [https://web.archive.org/web/20060503040402/http://biologyofkundalini.com/article.php?story=Time "Time."] ''Biology of Kundalini''.</ref> The practitioner maps the human "biofield"<ref group=note name=whatever>Whatever that actually means.</ref> and matches the frequency of vibration in this "biofield", correcting irregularities in it via application of a 
suitable
 [[woo]] combination of "biofield flower remedies".<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20080530095225/http://quantum-medicine.com/speakers.html Speakers] (Quantum Energy Medicine Conference, 2008)</ref>

==[[Murder|D.I.Y. cure]] for cancer==
To prepare the remedies:
#Harvest the plants<ref group=note>[[Appeal_to_nature|Naturally growing]], of course. That is to say – no plastic office ferns.</ref> at night, so that their vibrations<ref group=note name=vibrations /> are not exaggerated by "thermal electromagnetic disturbances".<ref group=note name=whatever />
#Soak the petals in [[Alcohol|schnapps]] for six months.
#Strain the schnapps through silk.
#Swallow the schnapps<ref group=note>''Now'' we're talking!</ref> whilst ''holding'' a vial of distilled water.<ref group=note>You read that right. Just holding, in your hand. Yep. Go back and read it again.</ref> This only works for a [[Alcoholic|trained practitioner]]!
#Drip the water onto lactose pills, which the patient then consumes.

Alternately, the practitioner may put one drop of the schnapps under the patient's tongue and one on their brow.<ref group=note>What is this I don't even</ref>

Practitioners hold that "biophotons"<ref>Bischof, Marco 1995. ''Biophotonen: Das Licht in unseren Zellen''. [https://web.archive.org/web/20000423033054/http://transpersonal.de/mbischof/englisch/webbookeng.htm English summary.] There is actually such a thing as a biophoton, but its magical powers are another matter. The [[wikipedia:Biophoton|Wikipedia article]] is such a [[woo]]-riddled disaster that even the skeptics [[wikipedia:Talk:Biophoton|threw their hands up]] and abandoned it with a groan.</ref> are captured by the [[sugar pill]]s, and ''might''<ref group=note>I say "might."</ref> transmit the "essential photonic vibrational<ref group=note name=vibrations /> patterns<ref group=note name=whatever /> to the light-emitting DNA receptors<ref group=note>A sensory receptor hitherto unknown to human anatomy, let alone biology.</ref> in damaged cells.

At this point, you have filled every square on your [[alternative medicine]] bingo card. Congratulations.

==Effectiveness==
Researches into the effectiveness of biofield flower therapy are allegedly "in their infancy",<ref name=wiki4cam /> even by alternative medicine standards, though the method must be considered remarkably effective in allowing the good Professor Dr Meyl to administer himself additional schnapps.

==Actual source==
{{cquote|Here is something I made up and wrote for the Wiki 4 CAM website many years ago. In all that time, no one has spotted it was a load of made up guff.|||Andy Lewis<ref name="facebook_post">[https://web.archive.org/web/20150414190601/https://www.facebook.com/quackometer/posts/176254972517390 The Quackometer.] ''Facebook''. Archived from [https://www.facebook.com/quackometer/posts/176254972517390 the original] on April 14, 2015.</ref>}}
Turns out it was all a [[Poe's_Law|parody]] of alt-med, written by sceptic Andy Lewis,<ref>Lewis, Andy. [http://www.quackometer.net/blog/about About.] ''The Quackometer''.</ref> under the "pen name" of his project [http://www.quackometer.net/ ''The Quackometer'']. This humorous nonsense was posted by him to the pseudoscience site [[Wiki4Cam]] in 2008,<ref name="facebook_post" /> under the name of "Dr Pankaj Chalwa, Certified Biofield Flower Therapy Practitioner Reg No. 1004563 Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, India".<ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20140109173637/http://www.wiki4cam.org/wiki/User:Pankaj User:Pankaj]; [https://web.archive.org/web/20140109173606/http://www.wiki4cam.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Pankaj contributions]</ref> Nobody picked up on it as the parody it was… including the [[RationalWiki]] editors. Dagnabbit.

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note|2}}

==References==
{{reflist|2}}

[[Category:Alternative medicine]]
[[Category:Quantum woo]]
[[Category:Homeopathy]]
[[Category:parody]]

Categories: Alternative medicine, Quantum woo, Homeopathy, parody