Grigori Rasputin

[[Image:Rasputin.jpg|thumb|right|165px|160|Ra Ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian queen, there was a cat that really was gone!<ref name="Boney M."/>]]
{{conspiracy}}
'''Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin''' (Russian: Григорий Ефимович Распутин) {{lived|1869|1916}} was a [[Russia]]n [[mysticism|mystic]], their greatest [[sex|love]] machine, and a highly influential companion of the [[Tsar]]'s court just before the [[Russian Revolution]]. He is one of the more mysterious people in Russian [[history]]. He could also preach the [[Bible]] like a preacher; full of ecstasy and fire.<ref name="Boney M."/> According to noted [[historical revisionist]] Frank Farian, "it was a shame how he carried on."<ref name="Boney M.">[http://www.lyricsdepot.com/boney-m/rasputin.html Boney M's historical analysis]</ref>

==Mysticism==
Because he danced the ''kasachok'' really ''wunderbar'',<ref name="Boney M."/> he came to the attention of Tsaritsa Alexandra. Her son, Alexei, had {{wpl|haemophilia||,}} which was a remarkably common [[genetic]] illness amongst the royal families of [[Europe]] at the time due to the massive amount of [[inbreeding]] going on. Although Alexei's illness was not widely or publicly known, Rasputin was purported to be a sort of [[faith healing|faith healer]] and was called whenever the boy was ill. Perhaps many of Rasputin's purported [[healing]] powers could be explained in the usual ways, such as [[regression to the mean]] or the [[placebo effect]], as he was always called ''after'' the boy became sick, yet the queen firmly believed in his powers and his [[prayers]]. For her, he was no [[Charlatan|wheeler dealer]] and she really did believe he was a [[holy]] healer who would heal her son. Because of this, his influence over the Tsaritsa became vast. No doubt this Rasputin had lots of [[Sex|hidden charms]], and to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear.<ref name="Boney M."/> Except for that one [[prostitute]] who tried to murder him, screaming "I have killed the [[Antichrist]]!"<ref>[https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=-3lhGB3cK1MC&pg=PA176&lpg=PA176&dq=rasputin+screaming+i+killed+the+antichrist&source=bl&ots=mGJWj6J5kD&sig=c4jKDMw3sLup325iKo62hE7fH0g&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwif6I_kv-TZAhVQGsAKHb4uD2kQ6AEwDnoECAIQAQ#v=onepage&q=Anticchrist&f=false Tyler Toddard Smith, ''Whore stories: A Revealing History of the World's oldest Profession'' p176]</ref>

==Death myth==
When his [[Alcohol|drinking]] and lusting and his hunger for power became known to more and more people, the demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder.<ref name="Boney M."/> During World War I, while the Tsar was down at the front lines in order to "inspire" the Russian army, he left his wife behind in St. Petersburg as regent in his place. Rasputin was believed to have an almost cult like hold over the Tsarina (and the three Imperial princesses), to the point where he was falsely rumored to be the power behind the throne.<ref>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/outlook/five-myths/five-myths-about-the-romanovs/2018/10/26/9e7a6d30-d868-11e8-83a2-d1c3da28d6b6_story.html Five myths about the Romanovs] by Robert Service (October 26 at 12:09 PM) ''The Washington Post''.</ref> To break his hold over the royal family, a group of nobles assassinated him. The conspirators placed poison in his food, but he 
ate it all and said, "I feel fine"
<ref name="Boney M."/> might have not eaten it at all. There are conflicting accounts about whether poisonous food was found in his system after death.<ref>[http://thewarriormuse.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/r-is-for-rasputins-death.html R is for Rasputin's Death]</ref>

The legend often continues from there to how he was strangled, beaten, stabbed, and [[gun|shot]] four times, but he still struggled. But they didn't quit because they wanted him dead.<ref name="Boney M."/> He was then thrown into the freezing Neva river, where it was expected he would drown. His body was found three days later, where it was determined that none of his injuries killed him and in fact he had died of {{wpl|hypothermia}} after escaping the river. He was then publicly cremated, and it is said he sat up in the pyre, proving he might not have been dead yet (
though this is apparently normal for bodies that are not properly prepared
 '''Quiet you, he was still alive I tells ya!!'''). 

===Alternative hypothesis===
Accounts of the assassination by those partaking in it had changed several times in the ensuing investigations. One alternative [[hypothesis]], based on [[evidence]] gathered by historian Andrew Cook, suggests he was shot in the head by [[British]] intelligence agent Oswald Rayner. This is based on the third shot (to the head, which would have been instantly fatal) to enter Rasputin's body being an unjacketed round belonging to a Webley revolver, a weapon almost exclusive to the [[British Empire]] at the time. The water found in his lungs is a not a particular indicator of death by drowning, so it is likely that Rasputin was long dead by the time he was thrown in the river. Still a dramatic end, but perhaps a little more believable than the popular story. This was presented in a 2004 edition of the [[BBC]]'s ''Timewatch'' programme.<ref>[http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2004/09_september/19/rasputin.shtml BBC on Rasputin's death]</ref>

It is also a possibility that he used the Pontic king, {{wpl|Mithridates VI||'s}} method of developing immunity to poison — adapting the body to small doses habitually so that one would become immune. However, if the assassins were using {{wpl|cyanide}} (as some attest), then this would be impossible, as cyanide is a toxin that builds up in the body.

==Big Dick Mystic==
Supposedly, his [[penis]] was 
what actually stood up during the cremation
 severed from his body after his death, and it has since made the rounds. For a while, Russian women in [[France|Paris]] were worshiping something they thought was it, before giving it back to his daughter. After that, an [[American]] bought it, but found it wasn't actually a penis, but a {{wpl|sea cucumber||.}}<ref>[http://www.st-petersburg-life.com/st-petersburg/rasputins-penis Rasputin's penis]</ref>

Today, a museum of erotica in Russia has the "real" penis on display, though many think the thing is actually a {{wpl|geoduck||.}}

==Legacy==
Because of the mysteries surrounding his life and the rumors that arose from them, Rasputin has been the subject of countless depictions in movies, TV, and books. The most notable example would be in the 1997 film ''{{wpl|Anastasia (1997 film)|Anastasia}}'' as the main villain, depicted as a lich who seeked vengeance against the Romanov family. Contrary to film, he was not actually an enemy of the Romanov family, but is still shown as a mysterious and eccentric man nonetheless.

==See also==
*[[Steve Bannon]] — [[Donald Trump|Trump]]'s alleged [[Rasputin]], born 100 years to the dot, too.
*[[Aleister Crowley]]
*[[Donald Rumsfeld]] — [[Shrub]]'s alleged Rasputin

==External links==
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5Oag4hISgU The full song]
*[https://youtu.be/cdkBs0VCSX0 The 
better
 metal version]
*[http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/boneym/rasputin.html Just in case you want to sing along]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ocm8QdNR_d8 IN THE DARK OF THE NIGHT, EVIL WILL FIND HER!]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfJbj_8R1Sc Depraved preacher is beaten to death with Fabergé eggs]
*[https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RasputinianDeath Rasputinian Death at TV Tropes]

==References==
{{reflist}}

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[[Category:Christians]]
[[Category:Religious leaders]]
[[Category:Ruskies]]
[[Category:Russian history]]

Categories: Christians, Religious leaders, Ruskies, Russian history