Kristi Noem

[[File:DHS Secretary Kristi Noem Official Portrait (54428382614).jpg|thumb|right|165px|Noem's official 2025 portrait.]]{{uspolitics}}
{{update}}
{{blockquote|'''Kristi Noem''', United States Secretary of Homeland Security: We can't trust our government anymore.

'''CNN''': You are the government.

'''Noem''': Yes, that’s what I’m saying.<ref>[https://x.com/highbrow_nobrow/status/2022310435685384269 ] (6:02 AM · Feb 13, 2026) ''Twitter'' via Aaran Rupar.</ref>}}

'''Kristi Lynn Noem''' {{lived|November 30, 1971}} is an [[United States of America|American]] who is the former [[Republican]] governor of [[South Dakota]] and current [[Department of Homeland Security|Secretary of Homeland Security]] under the second [[Donald Trump|Trump]] administration. Like most Republican politicians, she is a complete [[reactionary]] whose continued electoral success will make you want to give up on humanity. She's also her state's [[tokenism|first female governor]], so... chalk this up as a victory for [[feminism]]?

A staunch supporter of the [[NRA]] to the point where her two-year old grandchild has multiple [[guns]],<ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/apr/15/south-dakota-governor-kristi-noem-grandchild-guns-nra "South Dakota governor says her two-year-old grandchild has several guns"] by Gloria Oladipo, Guardian, 2023 April 15</ref> in April 2024, she tried to solidify her pro-gun credentials by bragging about the time she shot and killed her own [[dog|puppy]]… which completely and utterly backfired because even her fellow [[wingnuts]] [[Stopped clock|found the story vile]].<ref name="guardpup">[https://www.theguardian.com/books/2024/apr/26/trump-kristi-noem-shot-dog-and-goat-book "Trump VP contender Kristi Noem writes of killing dog – and goat – in new book"] by Martin Pengelly, Guardian, 2024 April 26</ref><ref name="guardpupcondemn">[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/apr/27/kristi-noem-trump-vp-book-killing-dog "Conservatives condemn Kristi Noem for ‘twisted’ admission of killing dog"] by Martin Pengelly, Guardian, 2024 April 24</ref> Despite NRA once upon-a-time touting its gun training program, Noem is apparently unashamed that she herself is a bad shot, raising campaign funds from a video of herself taking three shots to kill a pheasant.<ref>[https://www.thedailybeast.com/kristi-noems-book-no-going-back-has-more-revelations-aside-from-her-killing-puppy-cricket Beyond Cricket: More Bonkers Stories From Kristi Noem’s Memoir] by Justin Rohrlich (May 09, 2024) ''The Daily Beast''.</ref>

During the second Trump administration, Noem had a penchant for vulgar, showy displays of [[authoritarianism]] combined with vulgar, showy displays of wealth and fashion. Examples include flashing a $60,000 Rolex while speaking in front of prisoners at {{wpl|Terrorism Confinement Center|CECOT|,}} and cosplaying as an [[ICE]] agent with neatly manicured fingernails, full makeup, and hair extensions. Due to these antics, critics often refer to Noem by the pejorative nickname '''"the ICE [[Barbie]]".'''<ref>[https://archive.ph/qFrEJ "Donald Trump’s ‘ICE Barbie’ is ruffling feathers"] by Susie Coen, Telegraph, 2025 April 17</ref>

==In Congress==
Noem entered national politics in 2010, when she defeated [[Democratic Party|Democratic]] incumbent Stephanie Herseth to become Representative of South Dakota's one district in the House of Representatives.<ref group=note>This was during a time when South Dakota was actually somewhat competitive, with [[Barack Obama]] coming within single digits of winning the Dakotas and both Dakotas having a Democratic Senator.</ref> This was actually a hard-fought campaign as Herseth was quite popular, winning the 2008 election in a massive landslide. By aligning herself with the [[Tea Party Movement]] and saying her foe gave preferential treatment to family members as lobbyists, she managed a close victory in the context of a red wave which put the house under GOP control.

Of course, being elected as a Tea Party crackpot means you have to legislate like one. This means she opposed [[Obamacare]], [[gay marriage]], [[Denialism|teaching kids]] [[climate change]] is real, and saying we should [[Tax cut|cut taxes]] while cutting funding on [[Small government|petty wastes of money]] like the EPA or Medicaid. During the [[Trump]] administration, she supported his Travel Ban.

As yet another in a long list of crackpot lawmakers, what makes Noem stand out? She became governor of her state during the Trump era, when the Republican Party became openly authoritarian.

==As governor==
She ran for Governor in 2018, '''somehow''' managing to make a South Dakota Governor race ''close'' against her Democratic opponent Billie Sutton – for reference, the last time a Democrat won this office was 1974, and the last close race for it was 1986.

===COVID queen===
{{cquote|South Dakota has 880,000 citizens scattered over the country’s 17th largest state, providing built-in social distancing. In theory, it should have a Covid death rate in the bottom 10, near fellow sparse states like [[Maine]] and [[Wyoming]]. Instead, there are now more than 1,900 dead — one in 470 South Dakotans — and one in eight have tested positive for Covid, the second-highest rate in the country.|||Stephen Rodrick, 16 March 2021<ref>[https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-features/south-dakota-kristi-noem-covid-1142068/ The Covid Queen of South Dakota]</ref>}}
Her tenure is best known for the sort of [[COVID]]-related mismanagement you expect from a GOP governor.<ref>[https://thehill.com/changing-america/well-being/prevention-cures/540985-fauci-vs-sd-gov-kristi-noem-the-numbers-dont-lie Fauci vs. SD Gov Kristi Noem: 'The numbers don't lie']</ref> She also encouraged people to come to the famed {{wpl|Sturgis Motorcycle Rally}} – an event attended by roughly 500,000 bikers annually – in spite of the pandemic with [[Pwned|predictable results]].<ref>[https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/06/us/sturgis-coronavirus-cases.html A Motorcycle Rally in a Pandemic? ‘We Kind of Knew What Was Going to Happen’]</ref> To show how seriously she takes this, she used Coronavirus relief money from the federal government...''to encourage tourism.''<ref>[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/kristi-noem-south-dakota-coronavirus-relief-funds-tourism/ South Dakota governor uses coronavirus relief funds for $5 million tourism ad despite COVID surge]</ref> She downplayed the efficacy of masks through the whole pandemic regardless of silly things like actual science.<ref>[https://apnews.com/article/virus-outbreak-sd-state-wire-health-south-dakota-kristi-noem-6f2bfed4eb2e3311217ca4470eb58517 Noem’s campaign email discourages masks in school]</ref> To defend this, she relies on pseudoscience pushers like the [[Association of American Physicians and Surgeons]].<ref>[https://apnews.com/article/virus-outbreak-health-south-dakota-f967a1a56b798f43ae0d2be971b27b39 Noem says South Dakota is doing ‘good’ as virus surges]</ref>

===Ignoring democracy===
She [[War on Drugs|succesfuly overruled]] a state referendum legalizing [[marijuana]] by litigating it in court. Funnily enough, the judge she herself appointed overruled it! Bear in mind this amendment had the support of a solid majority of voters.<ref>[https://apnews.com/article/constitutions-south-dakota-recreational-marijuana-marijuana-kristi-noem-c990e08307ca5016d789f7504cb6e7e6 South Dakota judge rejects amendment legalizing marijuana]</ref> But activist government is bad and conservatives are here to save you from it! On a larger scale, she pushed the "voter fraud" false narrative during the [[2020 U.S. presidential election]].<ref>[https://www.vox.com/policy-and-politics/2020/11/8/21555382/republicans-gop-refuse-accept-biden-election-win-results GOP lawmakers are refusing to acknowledge the reality that Biden won the election]</ref> She backed away from some of the more extreme views after the [[2021 U.S. Capitol riot|capitol riot]], which she condemned, but instead began talking out of both sides of her mouth.<ref>[https://listen.sdpb.org/post/noem-acknowledges-incoming-biden-administration-during-budget-address-warning Noem Acknowledges Incoming Biden Administration During Budget Address With A Warning]</ref><ref>[https://apnews.com/article/joe-biden-donald-trump-south-dakota-coronavirus-pandemic-elections-1155ffcaa922757b213ffeac58f93aec Noem refuses to say whether Biden victory was free and fair]</ref>

For more fun, [[Double standard|compare]] her mental gymnastics after the events of January 6th with her open loathing of more left-wing protests.<ref>[https://theintercept.com/2019/05/23/pipeline-protest-laws-louisiana-south-dakota/ PIPELINE OPPONENTS STRIKE BACK AGAINST ANTI-PROTEST LAWS]</ref>

===But degenerate LGBTs are the REAL problem===
She supported an anti-LGBT bill modeled after the infamous "[[Religious Freedom Restoration Act|Religious Freedom Act]]" [[Mike Pence]] proposed in [[Indiana]],<ref>[https://www.hrc.org/press-releases/south-dakota-gov-kristi-noem-signs-religious-refusal-bill-creating-first-major-rfra-law-in-six-years South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem Signs Religious Refusal Bill, Creating First Major RFRA Law In Six Years]</ref> which was disingenuously phrased as "protecting  churches from closure" during COVID despite it being far more broadly worded.<ref>[https://www.advocate.com/politics/2021/3/11/south-dakota-governor-signs-discriminatory-religious-freedom-bill South Dakota Governor Signs Discriminatory 'Religious Freedom' Bill]</ref> She has also promoted [[transphobia]] in regards to sports teams, entering into quite the controversy over it,<ref>[https://www.cnn.com/2021/04/01/politics/noem-transgender-athletes-gop-culture-war/index.html Looking to 2024, South Dakota Gov. Kristi Noem gets caught in GOP culture war over transgender athletes]</ref> and signed two executive orders banning trans women from high school and college sports.<ref>[https://www.cnn.com/2021/03/30/politics/south-dakota-transgender-sports-kristi-noem/index.html South Dakota's governor issues executive orders banning transgender athletes from women's sports]</ref>

===Banned from tribal lands (due to racist remarks)===
In 2024, Noem — seemingly without any hard evidence whatsoever — accused [[Native American]] tribes in South Dakota of directly profiting from [[Mexican]] [[drug]] cartels, and this (according to her) was the reason "why (tribal leaders) attack me every day". Noem also made disparaging remarks of indigenous parents, claiming that their children had "no hope".<ref name="apnewstribe">[https://apnews.com/article/south-dakota-governor-tribes-drug-cartels-00ce04d5870d83a93a69f5c6a6c80710 "Tribes blast South Dakota governor’s claim that leaders are benefitting from drug cartels"] by Jack Dura, AP News, 2024 April 2</ref><ref name="banned">[https://archive.ph/o1btb 'Solidarity': All 9 South Dakota Native American tribes endorse Kristi Noem's banishment] by Dominik Dausch, Sioux Falls Argus Leader, 2024 May 21, archived on 2024 May 21</ref> Noem's relationship with indigenous South Dakota during her governorship was rocky at best, with contention over issues like [[COVID-19]] checkpoints and the {{wpl|Keystone XL}} oil pipeline.<ref>[https://listen.sdpb.org/politics/2024-05-17/tribal-leaders-say-noem-bans-are-about-more-than-cartel-rhetoric "Tribal leaders say Noem bans are about more than cartel rhetoric"] by Lee Strubinger, SPDB Radio, 2024 May 17</ref> The rhetorical escalation of this into unfounded [[racist]] rhetoric<ref>[https://www.keloland.com/keloland-com-original/tribes-respond-to-noems-racist-malicious-remarks/ "Tribes respond to Noem’s ‘racist, malicious remarks’"] by Gracie Terrall, KELO, 2024 Mar 23</ref> was clearly designed to attract the attention of the well-known racist [[Donald Trump]], whose vice presidential candidate spot she was angling for.<ref name="apnewstribe"/>

United States tribal lands have some degree of {{wpl|Tribal sovereignty in the United States|sovereignty}} from the state government. Therefore, due to this blatant racism, by May 21 2024, all 9 of South Dakota's tribes (of whose reservations cover about 12 percent of the state's land)<ref>[https://kxrb.com/how-much-of-south-dakota-is-considered-tribal-land/ "How much of South Dakota is Considered Tribal Land?"] by Andy Gott, KXRB, 2023 October 23</ref> officially banned Noem from their lands.<ref name="banned"/><ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/may/23/south-dakota-tribes-ban-kristi-noem "South Dakota governor Kristi Noem banned from all tribal lands in her own state"] by Gloria Oladipo, Guardian, 2024 May 23</ref>

==Moving up?==
She has been hyped as a rising star in the GOP, which should tell you a lot about the GOP. Noem was being considered as a new running mate for Trump's run in 2024 ([[Poe's Law|after Pence was declared a RINO]] for not magically making Trump president in 2020),<ref>[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2021-03-03/trump-weighs-2024-white-house-run-without-mike-pence-allies-say Trump Weighs 2024 Run Without Mike Pence, Allies Say]</ref> and was invited to speak at CPAC. It has been speculated she would run for [[senate]] in order to primary John Thune (according to [[wingnut|some people]], even he's a RINO(!!) now) in 2022, but she said no despite Trump's insistence.<ref>Coleman, Justine (January 1, 2021). [https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/532326-trump-again-calls-for-noem-to-primary-thune-despite-her-refusal Trump again calls for Noem to primary Thune despite her refusal]. ''The Hill''. Retrieved March 16, 2021.</ref> There was a lot of early speculation that she would run for president in 2024, but she declined because she knew she wouldn't win.<ref>[https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4071503-noem-says-she-doesnt-see-path-to-victory-for-anyone-but-trump-in-2024/ Noem says she doesn’t see ‘path to victory’ for anyone but Trump in 2024]</ref>

==Puppy murderer==
In April 2024, media outlets obtained a copy of a book by Noem, ''No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward'',<ref>Kristi Noem, ''No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward''. Center Street, 7 May 2024. {{isbn|9781546008163}}.</ref> scheduled to be published the following month. Included in the book was a tale about an ill-fated 14 month old female [[dog|puppy]] named Cricket, purportedly to illustrate how she was willing to do anything "difficult, messy, and ugly" if it simply needed to be done. According to the book, Cricket was an excitable puppy, so excitable that instead of helping pheasant hunts, she ruined them. Cricket also attacked and killed several of a neighboring family's chickens in one incident, in which she was described by Noem in the book as behaving like a "trained assassin". Declaring in the book that Cricket was "untrainable" and "less than worthless... as a hunting dog", and that she "hated that dog", Noem led Cricket to a gravel pit and shot and killed her.<ref name="guardpup"/> This was in front of horrified construction workers who were witnesses.<ref>[https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/kristi-noem-dog-killing-story-worse-context.html The Kristi Noem Dog-Killing Story Is Actually Worse in Context] by Margaret Hartmann (May 11, 2024) ''New York Magazine''.</ref>

Not finished yet, the book goes on to describe how she also killed a male [[goat]] that had (according to Noem) gotten "nasty and mean" and smelled "disgusting, musky, rancid".<ref name="guardpup"/> Unsurprisingly, when she told the story to her daughter, she was completely shocked and disgusted.<ref>[https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/26/us/politics/kristi-noem-dog-killing.html "‘Where’s Cricket?’ Don’t Ask. Kristi Noem Defends Killing Her Dog."] by Anjali Huynh, New York Times, 2024 April 26</ref> 

Needless to say, the story drastically changed the race for her from going to one of Trump’s top picks for running mates to not even being considered for the race anymore. The story was widely criticized and shocked everyone across the political spectrum. Even ''conservatives'' were appalled by the story. In a tweet, [[Meghan McCain]] slammed Noem for "murder(ing) a puppy who was 'acting up' — which is obviously cruel and insane."<ref name="guardpupcondemn"/> The [[Lincoln Project]] quickly released a video showcasing scenes of dogs looking lovable but acting rambunctiously. The ad advised that "when those tough moments" regarding a dog's behavior "come, you have options. Shooting your dog in the face should not be one of them."<ref name="guardpupcondemn"/> The [[Twitter]] [[troll]] {{wpl|Catturd||,}} who in real life lives in a "ranch in the middle of nowhere" in [[Florida]],<ref>[https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/catturd2-maga-twitter-shitposting-king-1234674671/ "Who Is @Catturd2, the Sh-tposting King of MAGA Twitter?] by Miles Klee, Rolling Stone, 2023 February 9</ref> was also furious with Noem, stating that "there's nothing you can say to justify shooting an 18-month-old puppy in the face and killing it. NOTHING! I don't give AF what it did."<ref>[https://www.newsweek.com/maga-names-turn-kristi-noem-over-dog-cricket-killing-1894871 "MAGA Names Turn on Kristi Noem Over Dog Killing"] by Gabe Whisnant, Newsweek, 2024 April 27</ref> Which is ironic coming from a guy who also killed his dog, albeit accidentally.<ref>[https://ghostarchive.org/archive/dtn8w "I don't even know how I'm going to post this. I lost Smiles a few hours ago..."] by Catturd (@catturd2), Twitter, 2024 March 20, archived on 21 March 2024</ref> Noem's puppy killing was even appalling to noxious [[reactionaries]] like [[Laura Loomer]], [[Steve Bannon]], and [[Donald Trump Jr.]]<ref>[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/04/30/steve-bannon-donald-trump-jr-kristi-noem-dog/73517246007/ "‘That was rough’: Steve Bannon, Donald Trump Jr. criticize Kristi Noem for killing her dog"] by Zac Anderson, USA Today, 30 April 2024</ref> The only wingnut who tried to defend Noem was [[Michael Knowles]], because apparently it's possible to murder an animal in a blind rage "humanely" and only farmers would understand, and even ''he'' realized how badly she'd fucked up.<ref>[https://www.mediamatters.org/michael-knowles/daily-wire-host-defends-gov-kristi-noem-killing-her-puppy-noem-didnt-do-anything Daily Wire host defends Gov. Kristi Noem for killing her puppy: "Noem didn't do anything wrong"], ''[[Media Matters for America]]'' 29 April 2024, accessed 7 May 2024</ref>

A professional hunting dog trainer named Dan Lussen told ''{{wpl|Rolling Stone}}'' that a 14 month old dog was still a "baby that doesn't know any better", and described Cricket's issues as "a lack of guidance by the owner, or training by the owner, or discipline of the owner".<ref>[https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/kristi-noem-shoots-puppy-she-hated-book-1235011230/ "Kristi Noem Describes Executing Puppy She ‘Hated’ in New Book"] by Nikki McCann Ramirez, Rolling Stones, 2024 April 26</ref>

[[Mitt Romney]] more-or-less copped to admitting that [[Mitt Romney#Mitt the dog lover?|what he did]] to his dog was bad, but [[not as bad as]] what Kristi Noem did, saying in reference to her, "I didn’t shoot my dog."<ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/may/01/mitt-romney-dog-kristi-noem Mitt Romney says his dog scandal doesn’t compare to Kristi Noem’s: ‘I didn’t shoot my dog’: Republican senator says Noem’s story of killing her 14-month-old hunting dog makes her unlikely to be Trump’s running mate] by Martin Pengelly (1 May 2024 09.41 EDT) ''[[The Guardian]]''.</ref>

Despite the bipartisan horrified reaction, in a May 5 2024 appearance on {{wpl|Face the Nation|''Face the Nation''|,}} Noem doubled down on another passage in the book where she suggested that [[Joe Biden]]'s bite-prone dog {{wpl|Commander (dog)|Commander}} should have been shot and killed for his misbehavior, too.<ref>[https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/kristi-noem-would-have-shot-bidens-dog-commander-too.html "Kristi Noem Would Have Shot Commander Biden, Too"] by Chas Danner, NYMag Intelligencer, 2024 May 5</ref>

==Feud with South Park==
''[[South Park]]'' released the second episode of its 27th season, with Kristi Noem being featured in the episode as a primary antagonist. She is (accurately) depicted as a racist dog murderer with overused cosmetics. A running gag in the episode was Noem’s face falling off, and Noem responded to her appearance in the episode as “liberal intolerance” towards women.<ref>Keegan Kelly, [https://www.cracked.com/article_47789_kristi-noem-says-her-melting-face-south-park-parody-was-petty-and-lazy.html Kristi Noem Says Her Melting-Face ‘South Park’ Parody Was ‘Petty’ and ‘Lazy’]. ''Cracked'', 8 August 2025.</ref>

==Notes==
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==References==
{{reflist|2|80%}}

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Categories: Alt-lite, Anti-abortion activists, Conspiracy theorists, COVID-19 denialists, Crimes against humanity, Denialists, Former United States Governors, Former United States Representatives, Global warming denialists, Government incompetence, Gun nuts, Homophobes, Islamophobes, Living people, Racists, Tea Party, Transphobes, Trump administration, U.S. Cabinet Members, United States politicians, Vatniks