Chuck Norris

[[Image:Chuck norris.jpg|thumb|165px|Carlos disobeying the laws of the [[Flag Police]].]]
{{pundits}}{{cquote|Chuck Norris wants to put himself in every man.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7z3Abm2RkIU Doug Walker]</ref>}}
'''Carlos “Chuck" Norris''' {{lived|1940|}} is an [[United States|American]] [[fundamentalist Christian]], [[conspiracy]] nut, washed-up "actor", infomercial star, unpopular pretend Texas Ranger, martial artist, pro-deficit contributor at [[WorldNetDaily]], and lord of [[Internet meme]]s.

''Stop the presses!'' Chuck Norris is running for President… of [[Texas]].

==The adventures of the brain-dead==
Through his columns, Norris has been an outspoken [[Creationism|critic]] of the [[theory of evolution]], the teaching of which he holds makes him act like a monkey (this in spite of the fact that he has access to mirrors). He has also worked to uncover a vast [[atheist]] conspiracy to outlaw [[Christianity]] in the [[United States]], the first step of which is the acceptance of atheists in our government:<ref>[https://www.wnd.com/2007/05/41572/ WND.com — How to outlaw Christianity (Step 1)]</ref>

{{quotebox|top=1|Though the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered 45 percent of us would support an atheist for president. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of society is alive and well.}}

To thwart this menace of [[secular]]ization, Norris has menacingly promised that if elected [[President of the United States|President]] (as if) he would "tattoo an American flag on the forehead of every atheist," an obvious form of flag desecration (see photo).

Norris is active in many fundamentalist causes, including the [[Billy Graham|Billy Graham Evangelistic Association]]. He and his wife are the spokespersons for the [[Fundie school|National Council on Bible Curriculum]], which seeks to bring state-certified [[Bible]] courses to [[Public school|public high schools]] nationwide. [[Godspeed]]!<ref>Except for the [[deceit]], this trustworthy article was sourced entirely from [https://www.conservapedia.com/Chuck_Norris here]</ref>

And just to show that [[Crank magnetism|all forms of lunacy tend to converge]], he's also an [[Anti-vaccination|anti-vaxxer]]<ref>[https://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=47383 The Venom in Feds' Vaccinations]</ref> and an opponent of [[genetically modified food]].<ref>[https://www.wnd.com/2015/01/chuck-norris-raises-red-flag-over-monsanto/ Chuck Norris Raises Red Flag Over Monsanto], World Net Daily, 16-Jan-2015</ref> And for a Christian fundamentalist, he sure has no problem defending the authoritarian leader of [[Azerbaijan]] slaughtering [[Armenia]]n Christians in 2020.<ref>[https://menafn.com/1101219476/Chuck-Norris-congratulates-Azerbaijan-on-liberation-of-its-territories-VIDEO Chuck Norris congratulates Azerbaijan on liberation of its territories]</ref>

==Obligatory flogging of a dead meme==
[[Image:Chucknorrisevolution.jpg|thumb|320px|Chuck Norris is the [[The Edge of Evolution|great mutator]].]]
As pretty much everyone with an internet connection in the mid-2000s knows the "Chuck Norris Facts", here are a few of the lesser known ones.<ref>[https://newstechnica.com/2012/10/30/chuck-norris-facts-updated/ Chuck Norris facts, updated]</ref>

#Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked [[gay marriage]], and fell flat on his ass. 
#Chuck Norris does not [[sleep]]. He's worrying about gay marriage. 
#Chuck Norris' tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries. 
#There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage. 
#Chuck Norris doesn't do pushups — he might accidentally get gay-married. 
#When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he would check his [[closet]] for gay marriage, if he had a closet. 
#Chuck Norris does not go opposing gay marriage, because the word "opposing" implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris has already failed to stop gay marriage. 
#If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. Tell him how fabulous gay marriage is.
#Chuck Norris counted to [[infinity]]. [[Infinity|Twice]]. But couldn't stop thinking about gay marriage while doing so.
#Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Clint Eastwood in the face, because Clint Eastwood supports gay marriage.
#Chuck Norris fought against gay marriage, but gay marriage won.
#When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone,<ref group="note">There probably isn't any one inventor as others including Charles Bourseul, Antonio Meucci, Johann Philipp Reis, and Elisha Gray have been credited for the telephone too.</ref> he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris, complaining about gay marriage.
#Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, and then it exploded (but that didn't stop the legalization of gay marriage).
#Chuck Norris has been to [[Mars]], that's why there are no signs of life there, because Martians supported gay marriage.
#Chuck Norris was once bitten by a king cobra. After ten excruciating minutes of hearing Chuck ramble about the evils of gay marriage, the cobra killed itself.
#Chuck Norris once pushed a door marked "pull". It didn't open, and he blamed gay marriage for it.
#Bruce Lee kicked his ass.
#The reason why there are so many jokes about Chuck Norris and none about Bruce Lee is because Bruce Lee is no joke.

==Bogus conspiracy theories==
Norris has recently revealed a plan, orchestrated by none other then [[Barack Obama]] himself! The plan involves rapidly taking in more [[Undocumented immigration|immigrant]]s as fresh voters for the [[Democrats]]. It's such a brilliant scheme. And here Norris describing the plan in his own words.
{{quotebox|Third, to add insult to injury, the White House Task Force on New Americans just announced in April its "federal strategic action plan immigrant and refugee integration." They call it: "Strengthening Communities by Welcoming All Residents."
Their strategy is to "seed your communities" with at least 70,000 refugees a year, including [[Iraq]]is, [[Burma|Burmese]], Bhutanese, [[Somalia|Somalis]], [[Cuba]]ns, [[Syria]]ns and others. And the numbers of Syrians, mostly [[Muslim]], will surpass them all.}}

But wait there's more!

{{quotebox|First, the Department of Homeland Security, or DHS, sent letters to all 9,000,000 green-card holders urging them to naturalize prior to the 2016 election.
[[PJ Media]] reported how it "obtained an internal 'Dear Colleague' letter written by Leon Rodriguez, the 'director and co-chair of the Task Force on New Americans.' The letter refers to a White House report called 'Strengthening Communities by Welcoming All Residents.'"

PJM added: "Leon Rodriguez has a tainted history – not only was he a central player in the radicalization of Eric Holder's Civil Rights Division, he also 'undertook a purportedly illegal search' of a government employee's computer in Montgomery County, [[Maryland]]. (Messy details are at the Washington Post.)"<ref>[https://www.thepoliticalinsider.com/chuck-norris-drops-a-bombshell-about-obamas-secret-plan-for-the-2016-election/ Chuck Norris Drops a BOMBSHELL About Obama's Secret Plan for the 2016 Election! - The Political Insider]</ref>}}

Unsurprisingly, Chuck also believes in global geo-engineering by use of [[chemtrails]].<ref>https://www.wnd.com/2015/11/why-are-geo-engineering-researchers-being-stonewalled/ Where else, but WND?</ref>

But wait there's still more! 

In 2017, Norris sued medical device manufacturers, claiming that his wife was poisoned by the injected gadolinium compound used in [[MRI]] scans to increase contrast.<ref name=ap>[https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/people/2017/11/02/chuck-norris-sues-10-m-over-mri-chemical-he-says-poisoned-wife/824839001/ Chuck Norris sues for $10M over MRI chemical he says poisoned wife] (Published 10:34 a.m. ET Nov. 2, 2017 | Updated 3:40 p.m. ET Nov. 2, 2017) AP via ''USA Today''.</ref> Contrary to Norris' claim, gadolinium-based contrast agents have been used in more than 300 million people worldwide and both the [[FDA]] and a European Union agency have found no evidence that retained gadolinium was harmful.<ref name=ap/> The lawsuit apparently did not cite any medical evidence.<ref name=ap/>

==See also==
*[[Homeschoolers]]
*[[Flag Police]]
*[[Machismo]]
*[[Mall ninja]]

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==External links==
*[https://web.archive.org/web/20150912212845/https://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/ Lamest page on the internet]
*[https://www.foundfootagefest.com/videos/chuck-norris-karate-kommandos ''Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos''] at FoundFootageFest.com
*[https://www.pointsincase.com/articles/anti-chuck-facts Anti-Chuck Norris Facts]

==References==
{{reflist|2|80%}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Norris, Chuck}}
[[Category:Actors]]
[[Category:Anti-vaccination movement]]
[[Category:Atheophobia]]
[[Category:Authors]]
[[Category:Chemophobes]]
[[Category:Christians]]
[[Category:Conspiracy theorists]]
[[Category:Crank magnetism]]
[[Category:Creationists]]
[[Category:Denialists]]
[[Category:Gun nuts]]
[[Category:Homophobes]]
[[Category:Memes]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Machismo]]
[[Category:Right-wing activists]]
[[Category:Texas]]

Categories: Actors, Anti-vaccination movement, Atheophobia, Authors, Chemophobes, Christians, Conspiracy theorists, Crank magnetism, Creationists, Denialists, Gun nuts, Homophobes, Memes, Living people, Machismo, Right-wing activists, Texas