2016 Republican Party presidential nomination

{{bronze}}{{update}}<!--PLEASE READ: For entering candidates, please use Röstigraben's table layouts used in the 2012 article:

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{{main|2016 U.S. Presidential Election}}

[[File:Delegation Vote ,2016 (Republican Party).svg|right|thumb|300px|Final results by delegate votes. The [[blue state]]s are ''not'' a good thing, and they should honestly be orange.]]

{{cquote|Everyone has been wondering all week how the candidates who aren’t Donald Trump will react to his super-S-M-R-T and totally practical plan to erect an Anti-Muslim Force Field around the USA...John Kasich will call it reprehensible, Ted Cruz will thank Trump for bringing up this important question, and Ben Carson will smile, nod, and [[Fun:Irony meter|wonder why the terrorists haven’t accepted Jesus into their hearts]].|||Kalli Joy Gray<ref>[http://wonkette.com/597010/terror-terror-terror-donald-trump-and-terror-your-gop-mainstage-debate-livebloog#7o7Bkelf6x0vRCHo.99 "Terror, Terror, Terror, Donald Trump, And Terror: Your GOP Mainstage Debate Liveblog"], Wonkette.</ref>}}

The [[Republican]] race to retake the [[White House]] began in 2015, culminating in the 
1968 Democratic
<ref>Waldman, Paul [http://theweek.com/articles/590711/donald-trump-running-most-explicitly-racist-campaign-since-1968 "Trump is Running the Most Explicitly Racist Campaign Since 1968"], ''The Week'' 11.25.15.</ref> 2016 Republican National Convention clown show in Cleveland, [[Ohio]]. Time to buy stock in popcorn companies.<ref>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/the-fix/wp/2014/10/20/brace-yourself-the-2016-republican-field-is-going-to-be-huge/ Brace yourself. The 2016 Republican field is going to be HUGE], ''Washington Post'' (*pats back* [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/317081-gop-fears-2016-free-for-all-will-boost-clinton We know. We know.])</ref><ref>[http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/a-historically-divided-republican-field-for-2016/ GOP Field Hasn’t Been This Split in 40 Years], FiveThirtyEight</ref>

The Republican Party isn't very smart and hasn't been for a long time,{{nofact}} but they don't need to be to achieve success. What they are good at is propaganda. In order to gain power, what they needed to do is section off 50%+1 of the electorate and get them voting for the GOP. The problem is this has left them extremely vulnerable to [[Wingnut welfare|scam artists]]. That's why, in the last couple of elections, we've seen a couple of obvious hucksters rise to the top of the polls.<ref>Drew Magary, [http://www.gq.com/story/mike-huckabee-career-presidential-candidates "Down With Career Presidential Candidates"], ''GQ''.</ref><ref>Kenneth P. Vogel, [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/01/super-pac-scams-114581 "The rise of 'scam PACs'"], ''Politico.''</ref> Because they have denigrated the [[Liberal media|media]] to such an extent, it's not a big step to simply say [[Fox News]] is now part of the mainstream media and can be ignored. Because they screamed about how bankrupt the "[[Elitism|establishment]]" is, it's simple for a big part of their base to not only ignore their advice but go directly against it. Because they told us repeatedly that the [[Small government|government]] can never get anything done, they can't point to a candidate who has accomplished anything of worth and get their base to listen.<ref name="taibbi">[[Matt Taibbi]], [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/the-gop-clown-car-rolls-on-20151117 "The GOP Clown Car Rolls On"], ''Rolling Stone.'' '''Taibbi''': "Kasich in person seems like a man ready to physically implode from bitterness at the thought that his carefully laid scheme for power might be undone by a flatulent novelty act like Trump."</ref> There was something of a perfect storm for Donald here. He could have been stopped at any point in the process if things had been just slightly different.

Is Trump any more outrageous than [[Sarah Palin|"death panels?"]] Were his remarks to [[Megyn Kelly|that anchorwoman]] any more sexist than [[Todd Akin|"legitimate rape]]"? Is his wall any less humane than [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F0la3Js9Mg "dig a big canal and electrify it!"]<ref>Daniel Berger, Emily Samsel and Alicia Maule, [http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/steve-king-vs-stephen-king "Who’s scarier: GOP Rep. Steve King or horror writer Stephen King?"], MSNBC.</ref> or "let's build a giant laser!"?<ref>Steve Benen, [http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/gop-congressional-candidate-eyes-laser-attacks-border "GOP congressional candidate eyes ‘laser’ attacks at border"], MSNBC.</ref> No, not particularly. Sprinkle on a little bit of "[[income tax]] is theft!" and even the [[Paulbot]]s will be singing hosanas.<ref>Ben Casselman, [http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/trump-tax-plan/ "Donald Trump Wants To Eliminate Income Taxes For 31 Million Americans"], FiveThirtyEight.</ref> 

This is the monster their collective Frankenstein created. Nothing matters. "Loud" wins. Honk honk.<ref group=note>This is why Rand Paul has taken to making videos of himself [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtglptO4v34 destroying the tax code with a chainsaw], Ben Carson has posted videos of him '[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0slwsUvIkFk rapping]', and Ted Cruz has posted videos [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_K0sRkvX4KE of his ''Simpsons'' impersonations.] (Jeb's big Hail Mary to out-nutbar Trump was, "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0clNrLUi40 erm, well, I think Supergirl's hot.]") They're each desperately trying to steal the microphone out of Trump's hands, and failing. Battling Trump for control of the media is like mud wrestling with a pig; sooner or later, you realize the pig is getting off on it.</ref>

==Elephant Graveyard==
''Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone / Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone / Silence the pianos and with muffled drum / Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come''

{| class="wikitable"
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Jeb Bush 2013 CPAC by Gage Skidmore5.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Jeb Bush]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1953|02|11}}<br/>
Guac bowl merchant
<ref>[http://www.npr.org/2015/12/31/461518357/finally-revealed-jeb-bushs-secret-guacamole-recipe REVEALED AT LAST: Bush's Secret Guacamole Recipe] — The ''Times'' published a guac recipe which included peas in addition to avocado. Jeb! was quick to go on record that peas do not belong in guacamole, and it became a sort of joke which he embraced by selling guac bowls to fund his campaign.</ref> Former Governor of [[Florida]]
Dropped out 20 February 2016
|'''Advantages''': Bog-standard Republican.<ref>[http://www.ontheissues.org/Jeb_Bush.htm Jeb Bush], On the Issues (Including the [https://www.au.org/church-state/march-2008-church-state/au-bulletin/jeb-bush-pushes-florida-school-vouchers school vouchers.])</ref> His main appeal seems to be bucking the style of his party, though [[style over substance|not necessarily the substance]]. Has a long list of legislative and corporate experience. Speaks fluent [[Spanish]], and may—just may—be able to 
sell the benefits of immigration reform and [[Common Core]]
 welp.

Any route to a GOP presidency requires flipping Florida, which is turning [[Blue state|blue]] by the hour.

In response to the Pope's ''laudato si'', he expressed some concerns over capital punishment;<ref>Haberman, Maggie, [http://www.nytimes.com/politics/first-draft/2015/11/01/jeb-bush-says-he-was-unaware-of-rubio-powerpoint-deck/ "Jeb Bush Says He Was Unaware of Rubio PowerPoint Deck"], NYT </ref> there are some signs that he may turn to having a [[consistent life ethic]] (neatly avoiding the inconsistency of being both "[[pro-life]]" and pro-death).

Able to eat a pretzel without choking to death.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': This particular branch includes wanting to abolish Medicare, [[Global warming denialism|climate change denial]], [[school vouchers]], the signing of "Stand Your Ground" into law, opposition to rapprochement with [[Cuba]] or [[Iran]], opposition to [[same-sex marriage]] & abortion, etc.

Too soft on illegals for their taste. His tax plan would benefit the rich... but if it ain't a [[Flat Tax]], these rednecks ain't buyin'.<ref>Matthews, Dylan, [http://www.vox.com/2015/9/8/9285421/jeb-bush-tax-plan "Jeb Bush's tax plan, explained"], Vox (9/815, 9:42 p.m. ET).</ref> He also has trouble getting his brother's people to side with him.<ref>Jeb's own mother, Barbara Bush, told ''Today'' that America has [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/jeb-bush-dismisses-mother-barbara-bush-suggestion-shouldn-run-article-1.1358419 "had enough Bushes"]. Ouch.</ref><ref>Baker, Peter, [http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/02/us/politics/jeb-bush-faces-challenge-in-winning-over-brothers-team.html "Jeb Bush Faces Challenge in Winning Over Brother’s Team"], ''New York Times''.</ref><ref>[http://www.gopusa.com/freshink/2015/05/28/is-jeb-bush-already-in-trouble/?subscriber=1 Is Jeb Bush ''already'' in trouble?] By Howie Carr, Boston Herald (MA) May 28, 2015. gopusa.com. ""The more Republicans he meets, the further he drops in the polls."</ref> 

Got clownstomped in every exchange with Trump.<ref>LoGiurato, Brett, [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-jeb-bush-low-energy-2015-11 "TRUMP: Here's the backstory on my 'low-energy' takedown of Jeb Bush"], Business Insider (11.19.15, 12:08 PM).</ref> Has similarities to Hillary in that they're both policy wonks and come off as a bit robotic; not very emotional or quick to the punch.<ref>Parker, Kathleen, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/jeb-bush-no-more-mr-nice-candidate/2015/10/27/5940f31e-7ccd-11e5-afce-2afd1d3eb896_story.html "No more Mr. Nice Candidate: Float like a butterfly, sting like a....WASP?"], ''[[WaPo]]'', 10.27.15. Hard to believe now, but we were ''promised'' an angrier Jeb Bush.</ref> It would appear that Rubio nicked his spot (in a youth vs experience, future vs. past kinda thing, with comparisons to 2008; Jeb is increasingly looking like '08 Hillary).Even among Republicans, ''Bush vs Clinton 2: The Dynastying'' is not a thrilling prospect.<ref>[http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/3328902/posts "Bush and Clinton: The Fading Dynasty Candidates"], ''[[Free Republic]]''.</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Ben Carson by Gage Skidmore 2.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Ben Carson]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1951|9|18}}<br/> Retired neurosurgeon
Dropped out (in the most confusing way possible)<ref>Easley, Jason, [http://www.politicususa.com/2016/03/02/ben-carson-drops-republican-race-confusing.html "Carson stays true to his brand of vague crazy until the very end"], Politicus (3/2/16 at 3:15 pm).</ref> 2 March 2016
|'''Advantages''': In case of emergency, break glass and say "brain surgeon" until time is up. Carson thinks America should not use its resources to feed its people, because that turns them into lazy welfare queens (like his mom).

Inexplicably stayed in the top tier for ''months''; he appears to be the new darling of the Values Voter coalition. Political outsider in a time where Republicans are distrustful of anything that looks like 
a witch
 the "Establishment".

Makes Republicans feel real proud of themselves. When he used to slice into peoples' brains, he didn’t see race, just nice peoples' brains is all.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': "Hasn’t bothered reviewing the [[Jack Chick|Chick Tract]]s that supply literally all of his policy positions, and seems confused by the expectation that he’d be familiar with his own prior statements" — [http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/jeb-cant-fake-a-spleen-the-gop-cant-fake-a-candidate-1739391361 Magary].

Props to Carson for debating while high; not a lot of people have the guts to do that. (''Gimme a question. Wait ... Not that question. Get me someone else.'') Basically the average uninformed 1 percenter who decides [[Dunning-Kruger effect|he can do everything better than politicians and assumes it will be easy.]]<ref>Jeb Lund, [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/what-the-hell-is-going-on-with-ben-carson-20151120 "What the Hell Is Going on With Ben Carson?"] ''Rolling Stone''. It's as if Carson's campaign was an attempt to get his hat in the ring for Surgeon General and it just got reeaallyyyy carried away.</ref><ref>Cruz, Caitlin, [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/ben-carson-refugee-map-fail "Ben Carson Can't Find New England On A Map"], TPM 11.18.15 He really is [[Clarence Thomas]] with a stethoscope, isn't he?</ref><ref>Crissy Millazzo, [http://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2015/11/ben-carsons-advisers-terrified-of-his-presidency "Ben Carson's Advisers Terrified of His Presidency"], Complex.</ref>

A "[[born again]]" charlatan, and a paid [[quack]] for [[nutritional supplement]]s.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Chris_Christie_2011_Shankbone.JPG|80px]]<br/>'''[[Chris Christie]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1962|09|6}}<br/>Governor of [[New Jersey]]
Dropped out 10 February 2016
|'''Advantages''': Moderate on social issues. Competent handling of the (immediate) aftermath of [[Hurricane Sandy]]. Less-driven by ideology than other Republicans. As head of the Republican Governors' Association in 2014, helped the party scoop up a bunch of northern states in the midterms. Enjoys a national profile and may even be viewed more favorably outside New Jersey than in.

[[Privatization|Privatized]] water in New Jersey, turning a basic human right into millions of dollar-dollar-bills-yo for his friends; how much more Republican can you get?<ref>Augustein, Seth, [http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2015/02/christie_signs_law_greenlighting_sales_of_public_water_systems.html "Christie Signs Law Greenlighting Sales of Public Water Systems"], NJ.com (2/5/15 2:25 PM, updated 5:34 PM).</ref> 

He ''seems'' jowly and crude but he has a plan. If the Republicans go all the way, expect to see him as an advisor to the administration between 2017 & 2025. (Probably his angle all along.)
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': We get it. [[Rudolph Giuliani|9/11 happened.]] You were a U.S. Attorney, put a sock in it. And the willingness to just start a war in Russia is...unnerving to say the least. You can show strength without being reckless about it. Without Trump, Christie would have been able to make waves, but he just comes off as a weaker version of him.<ref>Reeve, Elspeth, [https://newrepublic.com/article/122200/donald-trump-stole-chris-christies-brand "Donald Trump Stole Chris Christie’s Brand"], New Republic 6.30.15.</ref> 

A vanilla Republican on economic and environmental matters: no surprise, then, that the state is a budget crisis.<ref>[http://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2014/11/chris-christies-greatest-weakness-112862.html Chris Christie’s Greatest Weakness], ''Politico''</ref><ref>Arco, Matt, [http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2015/11/trump_attacks_christie_over_njs_economy.html "In sudden twist, Trump blasts Christie for ignoring 'deeply troubled' N.J."], NJ.com (11/30/15 at 10:36 AM, updated 11/30/15 at 4:58 PM).</ref>

Has a Nixonian level of vindictiveness: despite his re-election (which was a forgone conclusion), he cut funding/shut down bridges in cities that voted for Barbara Buono. (He weathered 'Bridgegate', but will be always be remembered as "the guy who fucked with your commute because you ''may'' have voted for his opponent".) Defended a [[Paul LePage|hillbilly Governor]] after he had a paddy (or three).<ref>Michael Warren, [http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/christie-stands-backer-lepage-after-white-girls-comment Christie stands by backer LePage after “white girls” comment], MSNBC.</ref> He also '''sold 9/11 memorabilia as political favors for those who supported him?!'''<ref>[http://www.phillymag.com/news/2014/03/11/nyt-christie-turned-twin-towers-wreckage-politically-motivated-gifts/ "Christie Turned Twin Towers Wreckage Into “Politically Motivated Gifts”"], Phillymag</ref>

Chris, maybe you should lay off the bear-hugs for a while.<ref>Heinze, Christian, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/christian-heinze/267731-christies-obama-problem- "Christie's Obama Problem"], The Hill (11/14/12, 10:00 am).</ref><ref>Lewis, Matt, [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/01/05/will-chris-christie-regret-his-cowboy-hug.html "Why the New Jersey governor’s embrace of Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones could come back to haunt him"], Daily Beast (01.05.15 9:35 AM ET).</ref>
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Ted Cruz by Gage Skidmore 3.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Ted Cruz]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1970|12|22}}<br/> Junior Senator from [[Texas]]
Dropped out 4 May 2016
|'''Advantages''': Consistently conservative from law school until now, unlike Donald.<ref>[http://www.addictinginfo.org/2014/11/17/everybody-hates-ted-study-finds-facebook-users-almost-unanimously-dislike-cruz/ "Everybody Hates Ted: Study Finds Facebook Users Almost Unanimously Dislike Cruz"]</ref> Has a ton of support in the all-important Florida primary, and might get a boost from overseas voters. His fundraising is competitive: Rubio and Cruz are the two favorites of the Republican Jewish Committee, with Sheldon Adelson allegedly liking Rubio while his wife is all in for Cruz.<ref>Isikoff, Michael, [https://www.yahoo.com/politics/millions-at-stake-the-adelson-primary-is-neck-125553624.html "Millions at stake, the ‘Adelson primary’ is neck and neck"] [[Yahoo! News]] 12.2.15. (Dig the glam rock hairdo on Miriam Adelson.)</ref> Beloved by the deepest depths of the [[Religious Right]] (and Rick Perry's old donors).

Frenemies with Trump.<ref>Mark Hensch, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/260492-trump-names-cruz-when-asked-about-vp-spot "Trump names Cruz when asked about VP spot"], ''The Hill.'' Can you imagine a cabinet filled with that brain trust? Toss in Palin to complete the joke.</ref> Weirdly, he's the only one who can get away with attacking Trump without looking petty.<ref>Schilling, Terry, [http://thepulse2016.com/terry-schilling/2016/01/15/cruz-stumps-trump/ "Did Cruz Finally 'Stump the Trump'?"], The Pulse 1.15.16.</ref>

He [[Stopped clock|correctly]] called out [[Mitch McConnell|McConnells]]'s hypocrisy on the Export-Import Bank, voted against the [[Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]], and is championing a European-style VAT plan.<ref>Matthews, Chris, [http://fortune.com/2015/11/10/republican-debate-taxes/ "The European Tax Plan Republicans Love"], ''Fortune'' (11/10/15 11:44 PM EST).</ref> One of the (selectively) more pro-science candidates.<ref>http://www.theverge.com/2015/3/16/8209409/strange-bedfellows-ted-cruz-nasa-future-environmental-science</ref><ref>[http://www.politico.com/story/2015/03/cruz-global-warming-gm-food-labeling-115857] (Although he goes on to call climate change anti-science in the same breath).</ref> A great speaker, and would be far and away the best debater if not for the <big>"'''NO! I WANNA TALK NOW!'''"</big> moment.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': The punchable face of the [[Fiscal cliff|2013 government shutdown]], which he tried again in '15.<ref>Hartmann, Margaret, [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2015/09/senators-have-had-it-with-ted-cruzs-shutdown.html "Fellow Senators Have Had It With Ted Cruz and His Government Shutdown"], ''New York Magazine'' 9.28.15.</ref> Any support he might reap with Latinos is offset by his [[Secure the border|immigration platform]]. Pissed off fellow Republicans with his lame-duck filibuster, costing them a dozen or so lifetime appointments.<ref>Block, Ryan, [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/did-ted-cruz-really-bungle-the-lame-duck-session-for-republicans/article/2557498 "Did Ted Cruz really bungle the lame-duck session for Republicans?"], Washington Examiner 12.17.14.</ref> 

Made a disrespectful joke about [[Joe Biden]] days after Biden's son died of brain cancer(!).<ref>[https://www.facebook.com/tedcruzpage/posts/10153346155467464 Facebook status update 6.3.15.]</ref> Lacks any foresight whatsoever with his "[[Jew|New York Values]]" remark.<ref>Guttman, Nathan, [http://forward.com/news/national/338188/ted-cruz-seeks-to-put-new-york-values-slur-behind-him-with-speech-to-gop-je/ "Ted Cruz Seeks To Put ‘New York Values’ Slur Behind Him With Speech to GOP Jews"], ''Forward'' 4.10.16.</ref> Tripping over his feet to make himself the most [[Homophobia|homophobic]] candidate.<ref>Brinker, Luke, [http://www.salon.com/2014/10/16/move_over_rick_santorum_ted_cruz_is_the_gops_new_anti_gay_rock_star/ "Move over, Rick Santorum! Ted Cruz is the GOP’s new anti-gay rock star"], Salon (10/16/14 01:44 PM PST).</ref> 

Apart from ''all'' that—um, nothing. He'd still be fine anywhere on the ticket.<ref>How low would they go? [http://www.businessinsider.com/a-top-wall-street-strategist-handicapped-2016-gop-field-2014-9 One consultant says "a dozen" states.] ([http://www.270towin.com/2016_election_predictions.php?mapid=bIXD For an idea of how that looks like...])</ref> Well, if he can even legally be president; [[Birtherism|there's no clear answer.]]<ref>Contorno, Steve, [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/mar/26/ted-cruz-born-canada-eligible-run-president-update/ "Is Ted Cruz, born in Canada, eligible to run for president? (Updated)"], PolitiFact, (3/26/15 4:31 p.m. ).</ref> What a time to be alive.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Carly Fiorina at Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Oklahoma City, OK May 2015 by Michael Vadon 17.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Carly Fiorina}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1954|09|06}}<br/>ex-CEO
Dropped out 10 February 2016
|{{anchor|Carly Fiorina}}'''Advantages''': More proven appeal than Chris Christie, Rick Perry, and Sarah Palin.<ref>[http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/feb/28/cpac-2015-see-the-full-straw-poll-results/ 2015 CPAC straw poll results], ''The Washington Times'', Saturday, February 28, 2015.</ref><ref>[http://www.cnn.com/2015/09/20/politics/carly-fiorina-donald-trump-republican-2016-poll/index.html Poll: Fiorina rockets to No. 2 behind Trump in GOP field], ''CNN''</ref> Likely running for Vice President or the cabinet, since she's not [[wingnut]]ty enough to win the nomination. A [[feminist]] who is [[anti-abortion]].<ref>http://www.lifenews.com/2015/10/29/carly-fiorina-pro-abortion-hillary-clinton-is-demonstrably-bad-for-women/</ref> 

[[Anarcho-capitalism|Ancap]] pinup girl: Opposes the [[minimum wage]],<ref>Roller, Emma, [http://www.nationaljournal.com/twentysixteen/2015/08/17/carly-fiorina-raising-minimum-wage-will-lead-less-opportunity "Carly Fiorina: Raising the Minimum Wage Will Lead to ‘Less Opportunity’"], National Journal 1.14.16.</ref> blames the recession on "federal workers watching porn all day long",<ref>Edwards, David, [http://www.rawstory.com/2015/03/gops-carly-fiorina-economy-is-suffering-because-workers-are-watching-all-day-long/"GOP’s Carly Fiorina: Economy is suffering because workers are ‘watching porn all day long’"], Raw Story (3/2/9/15 10:59 ET).</ref> and wants to reduce the tax code to four pages.<ref>Garver, Rob, [http://www.thefiscaltimes.com/2015/11/13/Fiorina-s-3-Page-Tax-Code-Could-Get-Awfully-Complicated "Fionrina's 3-Pag Tax Code Could Get Awfully Complicated"], The Fiscal Times 11.13.15.</ref> Her entire life has been built on rehearsing self-promotional presentations to similarly-stupid people. Briefly jumped to 2nd place after the second debate.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Her Medieval History degree<ref>Jordyn Phelps, [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/carly-fiorina-medieval-history-degree-helps-defeat-isis/story?id=34256597 "Fiorina's Medieval History Degree Will Help Her Defeat Isis"], ABC.</ref> will help her crush House Plantagenet.{{onion}} Walks a fine line of calling for a corporate ''coup d'état''.<ref>Ben Kamisar, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/263370-fiorna-us-is-woefully-behind-in-tech-war-on-terror "'Fiorina: US is 'woefully behind' in tech war on terror"], The Hill.</ref> She's clearly trying to leverage her job experience from ten years ago into some kind of cyber-security angle: As HP chairman she was too busy fighting terrorists (e.g. making some phone calls) to give the company her full attention. Being forced out by shareholders after the stock lost half its value doesn't look too good, either.<ref>Alex Bracetti, [http://ca.complex.com/pop-culture/2011/07/horrible-bosses-the-worst-tech-ceos-of-all-time/ "Horrible Bosses: The Worst Tech CEOs Of All Time"], Complex. HP’s market cap rose by $6 billion after her departure. She's like the anti-John Galt.</ref> Sold shit to [[Iran]] back when it was still illegal.<ref>West, Tara, [http://www.inquisitr.com/2434441/carly-fiorina-was-ceo-of-hp-when-they-violated-us-iran-sanctions-sold-printers-to-iran/ "Carly Fiorina Was CEO Of HP When They Violated U.S.-Iran Sanctions, Sold Printers To Iran"], Inqusitur, 9.20.15.</ref> 

Probably the best-rehearsed member of the pack... but then her whackaloon ideas come spilling out. ''Let's cut off all communication with the only country with a nuclear arsenal bigger than ours!''<ref>Mark Hensch, [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/256131-rand-were-lucky-fiorina-wasnt-president-in-cold-war "Paul: 'Man, are we lucky' Fiorina wasn’t a Cold War president"], The Hill. Oh, yeah. Great fucking plan. Just imagine how well the Cuban missile crisis would have gone if [[JFK]]'s policy towards [[Khrushchev]] was to stick his fingers in his ears and go "la la la la la la"</ref> The kicker was her crazy plan to arm the Emirates and have ''them'' go fight ISIS, based on the standard GOP assumption that all Arab countries are interchangeable and have the same security concerns.<ref>Michael Warren, [http://www.weeklystandard.com/article/carly-offense-isis/958114 Carly Fiorina on ISIS], The Weekly Standard. Makes about as much sense as sending in the Armenians to go fix it. ''Not their fucking problem.'' It's literally 750 miles away. Why would they want to get involved in that horror show? Party's on in Dubai!</ref> 

The [[Planned Parenthood|"fetus brain-harvesting"]] meme is falling flat, and that's the only thing she was hanging her hat on.<ref>Feldman, Josh, [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/chuck-todd-to-fiorina-havent-you-exaggerated-planned-parenthood-video/ "Chuck Todd to Fiorina: Haven’t You ‘Exaggerated’ Planned Parenthood Video?"], Mediate, 9.27.15</ref> Somebody please tell her she is not the GOP equivalent to Clin— '''<big>LET ME INTERRUPT YOU HERE!</big>''' That's it, her 15 minutes are up. She's done here.
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Jim Gilmore by Gage Skidmore.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Jim Gilmore}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1949|10|06}}<br/>former Governor of [[Virginia]]
Dropped out February 2016
|{{anchor|Jim Gilmore}}'''Advantages''': Former Republican National Committee boss and Dubya waterboy. A paid commentator on [[Faux News]]. He's also on the [[NRA]] Board of Directors<ref>[http://home.nra.org/home/video/jim-gilmore-celebration-of-american-values Jim Gilmore: Celebration of American Values]. nra.org. 21 September 2007. Retrieved 30 July 2015. (Warning: This smarmy website may induce fits.)</ref> At least admits climate change exists.<ref name=HotGilmore>[http://www.gilmoreforamerica.com/issues/climate-change/ Jim Gilmore on Climate Change - Official Campaign Website.]</ref> With Perry and Graham out of the race, Gilmore is the last remaining candidate with actual military experience.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Jim who? So obscure that major pollsters aren't even acknowledging his campaign.<ref>http://www.realclearpolitics.com/epolls/2016/president/us/2016_republican_presidential_nomination-3823.html</ref> Whipped by Democrat Mark Warner in the 2008 Virginia U.S. Senate election, getting only 35% of the vote and losing in many Virginia locales usually voting Republican.<ref>[https://www.voterinfo.sbe.virginia.gov/election/DATA/2008/07261AFC-9ED3-410F-B07D-84D014AB2C6B/Official/5_l_0F4812A9-B835-4B53-9D64-99F6A1DA3945_s.shtml November 2008 Official Results, US Senate]. Virginia State Board of Elections. Retrieved 30 July 2015.</ref> Entered the race much later this time around than he did in [[2008 U.S. presidential election|2008]], where he dropped out quickly after raising only a tiny amount of money.<ref>[http://blog.4president.us/2008/jim_gilmore/ Statement From Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore]. Blog4prsident.us. 14 July 2007. Retrieved 30 July 2015.</ref> Doesn't think that climate change is anthropogenic, and essentially argues against taking action even if it is.<ref name=HotGilmore/> Received fewer votes than [[Vermin Supreme]] in the New Hampshire primary.
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[Image:Lindsey Graham, official Senate photo portrait, 2006.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Lindsey Graham}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1955|7|9}} <br/>[[South Carolina]] Senator
Dropped out 21 December 2015
|{{anchor|Lindsey Graham}}'''Advantages''': Retired Air Force Colonel; Desert Storm, Iraq and Afghan War veteran. Wants to be the one to take the [[Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi|Caliph]] down. One of the few non-chickenhawks in the race, with a good bipartisan record. As a favorite son, his candidacy could have peeled voters away from Rand Paul in the vital February South Carolina primary.<ref>[http://townhall.com/columnists/richgalen/2015/06/01/rand-lindsey--george-pataki-n2006492/page/full Rand, Lindsey & George (Pataki)], Rich Galen, Jun 01, 2015.</ref> 

Remarkably sane on pretty much everything ''not'' involving foreign policy.<ref group="note">Graham is part of the old guard who used to thrive in the pork barrel system, back when there was still ample cover to push legislation with caveats. His [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/26/politics/lindsey-graham-ted-cruz-dinner/ comments] read like frustration with a party that has come to value obstructionism and just "waiting their turn" over getting anything done. In particular, he also seems to be channeling GOP voters who can't believe how much they were lied to when they were told this field of candidates was going to be the strongest ever—an [https://twitter.com/reince/status/545730238886735872 All-Star Team]!—and now it's just down to Trump and a couple of no-hopers who appear unwilling or incapable of stopping him.</ref> We're gonna miss ya at the Kids' Table debates.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': His problem was the reverse of Trump's: Whilst his moderate platform would have won more voters, it excommunicated him from the Tea Party. Not a chicken, but ''very'' much a hawk, in the mold of his good friend [[John McCain]].

America just isn't ready for [[Really embarrassing conservatives|a southern dandy president.]]<ref>Stern, Mark Joseph, [http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2015/06/15/lindsey_graham_gay_rumors_are_they_hurting_his_presidential_chances.html "Are Rumors About Lindsey Graham’s Sexuality Hurting His Presidential Chances?"], Slate (6.15.15 8:30 AM).</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Mike_Huckabee_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Mike Huckabee]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1955|08|24}}<br/>Former Governor of [[Arkansas]]
Dropped out 1 February 2016
|'''Advantages''': He's an economic populist: he opposes cutting Social Security, Medicare, or Medicaid, and consistently speaks out against the bankers on Wall Street. Also raised taxes as Governor of Arkansas.

Once offered [[Stephen Colbert]] the Vice Presidency if elected.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': A [[dominionist]]. Played bass for [[Ted Nugent]]. Up there with Walker and Carson in terms of anti-choice extremism, saying in the first debate that he would use the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments to prosecute abortion providers. Has called abortion ''worse'' than the [[Holocaust]]! While we're on the subject of the Holocaust, his remarks apropos of the Iran negotiations may well be the most offensive violations of [[Godwin's law]] that any candidate in recent memory has committed.<ref>Pengelly, Martin, [http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/jul/26/huckabee-iran-nuclear-deal-obama-marching-israelis-to-door-of-the-oven "Huckabee defends claim that Iran deal will 'march Israelis to oven door' "], ''[[The Guardian]]'' 7.26.15.</ref> [[FairTax]] advocate. [[Birther]]. Young Earther. His public support of Josh Duggar (''after'' the incestuous pedophilia came to light) probably blew his campaign out of the water months before the Iowa caucus.

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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Bobby Jindal by Gage Skidmore.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Bobby Jindal]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1971|6|10}}<br/>Governor of [[Louisiana]]
Dropped out 17 November 2015.<ref>Rafferty, Andrew. [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/bobby-jindal-ends-2016-presidential-campaign-n465236 Bobby Jindal Ends 2016 Presidential Campaign]. ''NBC News''. 17 November 2015. Retrieved on 17 November 2015.</ref>
|'''Advantages''': Apart from potential benefits/pitfalls of [[tokenism]], Jindal has managed to run Louisiana since 2008, winning a clear re-election victory in 2011. Has great [[wingnut]] credentials.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Those aforementioned wingnut credentials: e.g. claiming to have [[Exorcism|wrestled demons]], injecting [[Creationism in public education|creationism in biology classes]], obsession [[anti-abortion|with abortion]], spewing [[Islamophobic]] nonsense, being to the right of [[Fox News]], [http://www.ifyouonlynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/2-4-2015-2-25-45-PM.jpg thinking he's white](?). Sure, it may play to (some) primary voters, but not in a final contest vs. the Democrats. Pulled a flip-flop on the Common Core standards, so now ''both'' sides of that debate can criticize him.

Jindal signed [[Grover Norquist]]'s no-tax-hikes pledge, but ended up raising taxes anyway...on the poor. His biggest regret was failing to eliminate Louisiana's income tax entirely.
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Governor of Ohio John Kasich at New Hampshire Education Summit The Seventy-Four August 19th, 2015 by Michael Vadon 08.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[John Kasich]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1952|05|13}}<br/>Governor of [[Ohio]]
Dropped out 4 May 2016<ref>j[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/05/us/politics/john-kasich.html?_r=0 John Kasich Drops Out of Presidential Race] New York Times</ref>
|'''Advantages''': A "popular"<ref group="note">Ohioans are stuck with this chucklefuck who's [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/ohio-miracle-john-kasich-220652 destroying their economy] and selling their land to Canadian gas companies for the benefit for his [http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/local/2014/02/17/email-cites-plan-to-promote-fracking-in-parks.html idiot cronies] because ''[http://www.cleveland.com/open/index.ssf/2014/11/ohio_2014_election_turnout_cou.html over 4 million]'' (out of 7½ million) people didn't bother to vote. We keep hearing that Americans want Republicans when the overwhelming majority of people aren't even trying to be heard. But, of course, a discouraged and non-voting public is exactly what the plutocrats that run this country want.</ref> governor—unlike Christie, Jindal, and Walker—with a proven ability to work across the aisle, and from a key swing state to boot. Authored the Balanced Budget Act of 1997, the last time the Federal budget was balanced. Has a humane record towards LGBT and the working poor, which he justifies to Republicans by alluding to the Good Book. If the GOP [[Iron law of institutions|actually cared about electability]], he would probably be the frontrunner.

Gets true believer points for rejecting federal [[High-speed rail|rail funding for his state]] (the prick),<ref>William C. Vantuono, [http://www.railwayage.com/index.php/blogs/william-vantuono/did-republicans-kill-americas-high-speed-rail-plan.html "Did Republicans kill America’s high speed rail plan?"], Railway Age. The money came from Obummer and accepting it would mean that the government had actually done something useful, which isn't allowed.</ref> enacting "[[voter ID]]" law, deregulating charter schooling, costing Ohio five abortion centers in the last two years due to his fucking nonsense,<ref>Gross, Allie, [http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/wolf-sheeps-clothing-gov-kasichs-reproductive-rights-record "How Ohio Gov. John Kasich Is Making Life Hell for Women Seeking Abortions"] Mother Jones (7/27/15 5:10 AM EDT). Pretty high for a state per capita, no? If you have to drive to an abortion center that means that the women getting the abortion also has to get a hotel for the night. Which means that the procedure is not only more expensive, but after an emotional procedure she is forced to be alone for an extra day while she recovers.</ref> lowering training hours for gun owners from 8 hours to 2, promising a new ground war against ISIS...all this ''still'' wasn't enough to appease the wingnut gods?

Great running mate material; perfect for fading into the background and showing up at funerals.
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|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Huntsman Reloaded.<ref name="taibbi" /><ref>Milbank, Dana, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/john-kasich-may-be-the-jon-huntsman-of-2016/2015/10/06/5418f0e8-6c61-11e5-b31c-d80d62b53e28_story.html "John Kasich May By The Jon Huntsman of 2016"], WaPo 10.6.15. In the land of the mad, the sane man is a serf.</ref> Bucked the party line too many times for the base to seriously consider him, like accepting the Medicaid expansion under [[Obamacare]].<ref>Picket, Kerry, [http://dailycaller.com/2015/06/19/kasich-no-regrets-over-medicaid-expansion/ "Kasich: No Regrets Over Medicaid Expansion"], ''[[The Daily Caller]]'' 6.19.15.</ref><ref>Ball, Molly, [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/07/what-john-kasich-believes/399044/ "What John Kasich Believes"], ''The Atlantic'' 7.21.15.</ref> Tried to break the unions ''à la'' Wisconsin, but backed off when approval ratings plummeted.

Voters might be wising up to the empty promises of [[supply-side economics|Reaganomics]], which he is touting. Also, he was managing director of {{wpl|Lehman_Brothers#Causes|Lehman Brothers'}} Ohio division when it collapsed in the [[Banking_crisis#Casualties_of_the_crisis|Panic of 2008]].

His dumb, sexist comment about bringing women [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ygd2IXGaDN4 out of the kitchens] to vote for him.

Muttered about the need for a new "agency" to [[Crusades|"promote Judeo-Christian Values"]] in the mideast.<ref>Gray, Kalli Joy, [http://wonkette.com/596154/crusades-sure-is-dumb-idea-says-guy-who-wants-to-declare-holy-war "'Crusades Sure Was a Dumb Idea' Says Guy Who Wants to Declare Holy War], Wonkette (11/15/15 1:45pm). So, Islam is no longer "Judeo-Christian". Got it. They used to call it "Abrahamic" but changed it to kick Islam out of the conversation.</ref> (So much for rising above the Stupids.)

''Haw geez, let's stop bickering and work together to beat the Dems.'' But the base doesn't want reasonable discussion. They want to be riled up. Looks like a turtle when he walks.
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Governor Pataki 2015.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|George Pataki}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1945|06|24}}<br/>Former Governor of New York
Dropped out 29 December 2015
|{{anchor|George Pataki}}'''Advantages''': Pataki polled 2.5 million votes statewide in 2002 compared to Hillary's 3 million in 2006. During his tenure, New York City and Long Island (about 60% of NY's population) saw some of the most massive economic growth in American history. Claims to be a "Republican following in the tradition of Teddy Roosevelt" who believes in "preserving and enhancing the outdoors."<ref>[http://www.politico.com/story/2015/05/george-pataki-2016-presidential-run-announcement-118276.html George Pataki to announce presidential bid Thursday]</ref> (If he really meant it about following in Teddy's tradition, we'd be thrilled: that guy bashed corporations and pulled for universal health care.) Was governor during 9/11, if anyone cares. If a Democrat wins the White House, he could be a shoo-in for a Cabinet position.

Thinks the federal workforce can be cut 15%.<ref>[http://www.govexec.com/oversight/2015/06/four-year-pay-freeze-workforce-cuts-and-other-ideas-new-presidential-contenders/114415/?oref=govexec_today_nl as if that were possible].</ref>
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|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': He has a better shot in the ''Democratic'' primary, not this cesspool. He lobbied in favor of a gay rights bill while Governor. Additionally pro-choice, against the death penalty, supported increased health care coverage, pro-labor (though like Teddy, ''not'' pro-union), advocate for gun control but not restrictions ([[Second Amendment|"A ''well regulated'' militia..."]]), acknowledged [[climate change]] before it was 
cool
 warm, and really likes tax cuts (the one thing other Democrats would rail against him over).
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Rand Paul.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Rand Paul]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1963|01|7}}<br/>Junior Senator from [[Kentucky]]
Dropped out 3 February 2016
|'''Advantages''': Strongly identifies with the Tea Party. Lots of media attention. Criticized mandatory minimum sentences and mass incarceration. Polls surprisingly well with [[African American|black]] Americans.<ref>[http://www.thefiscaltimes.com/Articles/2014/07/31/Rand-Paul-s-High-Risk-Outreach-Minorities Just wait until they hear about his comments about the Civil Rights Act.]</ref> Three-time darling of the CPAC conference. [http://i.imgur.com/q1uO8Iu.jpg Makes up his own polls and headlines.]<ref>Bolton, Alexander, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/263861-rand-paul-trump-will-be-wiped-out-polls-arent-accurate "Rand Paul: Trump will be 'wiped out,' polls aren't accurate"], 12.20.15. It's like he's shooting blanks and then proudly telling his teenage supporters that every shot was a bullseye. He's probably basing it off of the pundits, who admittedly did place him better than Google search results did. Still, the general public is the metric that matters more in the end.</ref>
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|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Stole his speeches from [[Wikipedia]]<ref>Arturo Garcia, [http://www.rawstory.com/2013/11/jon-stewart-rand-paul-took-his-speeches-from-taylor-swift-and-his-hair-from-patrick-duffy/ Jon Stewart mocks Paul’s assertion that “98 percent” of his speeches are off-the-cuff"], ''Raw Story''.</ref> and his toupee from Art Garfunkel.{{nofact}} $1.5 million is quite an impressive haul, if he were running for local dog catcher. If you liked [[Ron Paul]]'s racism, you'll like Donald Trump's policies even better!<ref>[http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-goes-after-rand-paul-is-he-going-to-be-primaried/article/2578551 "Trump Goes After Rand Paul's Followers"], Washington Examiner.</ref> Previously thought to be a mere clone of his father, but his pathetic tailcoat-riding behind Trump (''Hey guise, look at me! I can be a proto-fascist too!'')<ref>Andrew Kaczynski, [http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/rand-paul-im-only-polling-bad-because-trump-gets-all-the-att#.ngM0wY8op "Rand Paul: I’m Only Polling Bad Because Trump Gets All The Attention"], ''Buzzfeed''.</ref><ref>Rand Paul would [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/rand-paul-trump-muslim-ban trade shoes] with Trump in a New York Minute. He's just pissed he didn't think up Trump's schtick first.</ref> has revealed him for something even more detestable.

Still too moderate, though; Republicans don't care about cautioned, reasonable approaches to foreign policy, they just want to go in guns blazin'.<ref>Jim Newell, [http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2015/11/rand_paul_had_his_best_debate_the_kentucky_senator_returned_to_the_ideas.html "Rand Paul’s Hail Mary"], Slate. '''Newell''': "Rand Paul’s presidential hopes mostly went out the window in mid-2014 when the Islamic State released videos of beheaded Americans. Those videos ended whatever post-Bush infighting existed within the Republican Party about the wisdom of rampant overseas intervention, and those videos prompted Paul to hedge. That hedging didn’t endear him to the hawks at all, though it did depress his libertarian fan base. The result was a dud of a campaign."</ref> Big business balks at his opposition to corporate subsidies, literally running away (!) from DREAMers,<ref>[http://www.nationaljournal.com/politics/watch-rand-paul-bolt-as-an-immigration-activist-confronts-steve-king-20140805 Watch Rand Paul Bolt as an Immigration Activist Confronts Steve King], ''National Journal''</ref> and siding with Cruz during the shutdown. He drinks the [[Religious Right]]'s Kool-Aid, but they won't like his [[libertarian]] "solutions." Likely to attract all of his dad's crackpot followers: In other words, political ''seppuku''.<ref>[http://www.salon.com/2014/08/23/the_gops_libertarian_time_bomb_why_going_rand_would_be_an_electoral_disaster/ The GOP’s libertarian time bomb: Why “going Rand” would be an electoral disaster], ''Salon''</ref> 

Bullshitter extraordinaire during the [[Ebola]] panic.<ref>Killough, Ashley, [http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/10/politics/rand-paul-ebola-cnn/index.html "Rand Paul to CNN: 'I don't want to create panic' over Ebola"], CNN (Updated 10/10/14 3:14 PM ET). '''[[Credentialism|"Doctor"]] Rand Paul''': "They also say it can't be aerosolized...I think the virus can be suspended in cough particles."</ref>

Looks creepily like Lee Harvey Oswald.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Rick_Perry.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Rick Perry]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1950|03|4}}<br/>Former Governor of [[Texas]]
Dropped out 11 September 2015
|'''Advantages''': His 14-year experience at an executive position remains his most powerful tool, since he can court the fossil fuel special interests as well as members of the business community and grassroots conservatives fairly easily. His best trait was the strong job growth driven by oil money, a shitstorm of new residents, and something resembling regulation; Texas dodged the Great Recession as a result. 

He also had a more moderate view of immigration as Governor. He's adept at playing to a crowd and wears his stupidity like a medal, so he probably has the Texas vote [[Rick Perry#Rick Perry's insatiable bloodlust|locked up]]. He can produce a spoiler effect and split the vote within the Teabagger candidates. 

While he's said to be as dumb as [[George W. Bush]], one key difference makes him ''more'' dangerous - he knows how to break your jaw, because he takes advantage of his opponents' ability to underestimate him; the Lone Star State is a graveyard of people who were undercut by the man they felt was too moronic to do such a thing.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Before the primaries even began – hell, before the second debate began – he stopped paying his campaign staff because he went over-budget. "…Oops!" The usual [[anti-science]], hawkish, [[Classroom prayer|anti-Constitutional]] pandering to the [[religious right]], with a strident favoritism to [[Israel]], a scary allegiance to the Dominionist movement, horrendous social policies including abortion, and crooked backroom donor deals with people who supported his campaigns. Dropped out on September 11, 2015; the first to do so in the Republican race.<ref>Peoples, Steve. [http://news.yahoo.com/ap-sources-perry-exit-2016-republican-presidential-race-211809518--election.html Rick Perry first to exit 2016 Republican presidential race]. Associated Press. 11 September 2015. Retrieved on 11 September 2015.</ref>
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| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Marco_Rubio,_Official_Portrait,_112th_Congress.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Marco Rubio]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1971|05|28}}<br/>Junior Senator from Florida<br/>Dropped out 15 March 2016<ref>Peters, Jeremy W. & Michael Barbaro, "Marco Rubio Suspends His Presidential Campaign", ''The New York Times'', http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/16/us/politics/marco-rubio.html Accessed 15 March 2016</ref>
|{{anchor|Marco Rubio}}'''Advantages''': A rising young star of mixed race—a sort of Republican answer to Obama—and some regret that he wasn't Romney's running mate. Bush and Christie will pledge their delegates to him. Rubio has absorbed much of Scott Walker's apparatus, courting Sheldon Adelson and Paul Singer, among others.

His schooling of Trump on the nuke issue got him high points.<ref>Nick Gass, [http://www.politico.com/blogs/live-from-the-venetian/2015/12/2015-gop-debate-rubio-trump-nuclear-triad-216828 "Marco Rubio schools Donald Trump on the nuclear triad"] Politico. —though anyone looks thoughtful standing next to "Nuclear triad, I respect [[Penis|the power of the devastation.]]"</ref> 

Kinda-sorta acknowledged the existence of man-made climate change in response to [[Pope Francis|the Pope's]] ''Laudato Si''.<ref>Mazzei, Patricia, [http://miamiherald.typepad.com/nakedpolitics/2015/06/marco-rubio-no-problem-with-catholic-church-on-climate-change-but-economy-more-important.html "Marco Rubio: 'No problem' with Catholic Church on climate change but economy more important"], ''Miami Herald'' (6/20/15 8:05 PM). ...—if only in the most [[Special pleading|circuitous, weasely, fingers-crossed-behind-my-back way]].</ref> (Too rational?) He also wants to [[Anti-environmentalism|devolve energy regulation to the states!]] (Phew!)<ref>Rubio, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/423403/securing-americas-energy-future-marco-rubio "Securing America's Energy Future"], ''[[National Review]]'' 1.1.15. "Secure", that's a nice word, very [[Frank Luntz]].</ref> 
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': With actual [[Neoconservative|neocons]] in his pocket,<ref>Eli Clifton, [http://www.thenation.com/article/meet-marco-rubios-far-right-neocon-donors/ "Meet Marco Rubio's Far-Right Donors"], ''[[The Nation]]''.</ref> Rubio is the most hawkish Republican in this race: he wants another round of [[trickle down economics|trickle-down]] tax cuts (but it's O.K. because his father was a bartender),<ref>Benen, Steve, [http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/rubio-goes-all-trickle-down-economics "Rubio goes all in on trickle-down economics"], MSNBC (08/28/15 at 11:26 AM, updated 08/28/15 at 11:58 AM).</ref> and to "rebuild" America's military (?), opposes the [[Iran]] deal, loves him some [[Bibi]], wants a no-fly zone in [[Syria]], and ''welcomes'' a war with [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]].<ref>Lake, Eli, [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/02/21/marco-rubio-really-loves-israel-and-has-pictures-to-prove-it.html "Marco Rubio Really Loves Israel and Has Pictures to Prove It!"], Daily Beast (02.21.13 1:30 PM ET).</ref><ref>Purple, Matt, [http://rare.us/story/marco-rubio-thinks-we-should-risk-world-war-iii-over-a-no-fly-zone-in-syria/ "Marco Rubio thinks we should risk World War III over a no-fly zone in Syria"], Rare (10/13/15 7:05 am).</ref> Bragged about wanting to overthrow [[Fidel Castro|Castro]] and become President of Cuba in his youth, chico.<ref>Beinart, Peter, [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/12/marco-rubios-old-school-cuba-policy/384002/ "Marco Rubio's Old-School Cuba Policy"], ''The Atlantic'' 12.23.14.</ref>

To be honest, Republicans are a little relieved that they didn't get Marco "Preggers with Zika should be jailed" Rubio.<ref>Caputo, Marco, [http://www.politico.com/states/florida/story/2016/08/rubio-no-abortions-for-zika-infected-women-104555 "Rubio: No abortions for Zika-infected women"], Politico (08/06/16 03:54 PM EDT).</ref>

His entire adult life has been about half-assing the opportunities that are handed to him.<ref>Coppins, McKay, [http://www.buzzfeed.com/mckaycoppins/the-anxiety-of-marco-rubio#.sfQeR0ddRY "The Anxiety of Being Marco Rubio"], Buzzfeed (02/09/16, 04:00 a.m.). Before deciding he wanted to be the most powerful man in the world, Rubio paralyzed himself with fear ... over whether or not to run for mayor of Dade County.</ref><ref>Gass, Nick, [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/marco-rubio-senate-attendance-josh-earnest-217512 "White House takes a shot at Rubio's voting record"], Politico (01/08/16 03:03 PM EST). Has an interesting defense against "flip-flops": He...just doesn't show up for votes?</ref> Riding high from his 3rd place finish in Iowa, Marco Roboto repeated the same sentence '''four times''' in the same debate, even after 
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7QP9Zqge4s Lovitz]
 Christie called him on it.<ref>Choma, Russ, [http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/02/democrats-troll-marco-rubio-debate-malfunction-robot "Democrats Have Wasted No Time Trolling Marco Rubio for His Debate Malfunction"], ''Mother Jones'' (2/7/16 10:48 AM EST). Funny how wingnuts talk constantly about liberals [[Haggard's Law|"ramming" things "down their throats"]], with "shoving" and "forcing" also making appearances.</ref><ref>[http://www.thedailybeast.com/cheats/2016/02/10/marco-rubio-collapses-to-fifth-place-in-nh.html "Marco Rubio Collapses to Fifth Place in NH"], Daily Beast 2.10.16.</ref>

Some mild and overt racism are certainly in play: The Hateful Eight will be an albatross,<ref>Devaney, Tim, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/269483-rubio-gang-of-8-immigration-bill-never-meant-to-pass "Rubio: 'Gang of 8' immigration bill never meant to pass"], The Hill (2.1516, 02:58 pm).</ref> and he's actually unpopular with Hispanics overall.<ref>[http://www.businessinsider.com/poll-marco-rubio-hillary-clinton-latino-vote-texas-2013-7 New Poll Shows That Republicans Are Totally Screwed With Latino Voters], ''Business Insider''</ref> And look at the fear in his eyes...<ref>Crouch, Ian, [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/marco-rubios-water-bottle-moment "Marco Rubio’s Water-Bottle Moment"], ''The New Yorker'' 2.13.13.</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Rick Santorum official photo.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Rick Santorum]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1958|10|5}}<br/>Former [[Pennsylvania]] Senator
Dropped out 3 February 2016
|'''Advantages''': First runner up in the last primary, and conservative voters have a habit of going for the next-in-line. Has the machinery in place, including the 150,000 strong "Patriot Voices". Has kept a fairly low profile since the last election, allowing other potential contenders to stand up and make asses of themselves. In an era of increasing Right to Work legislation, he appeals to blue-collar union households.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Besides being <big>[[Santorum Amendment|Rick]] [[Santorum]]</big>? He also lost his Senate reelection bid by a landslide, which tends to be a down check.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Scott Walker by Gage Skidmore.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Scott Walker]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1967|11|02}}<br/>Governor of [[Wisconsin]]
Dropped out 21 September 2015
|'''Advantages''': Destroyed collective bargaining in Wisconsin, making it another fetid "right to work" state. Won three straight elections while implementing the most draconian policies in a blue state, raising his profile as a potential dark horse.<ref>[http://www.jsonline.com/news/opinion/gov-scott-walker-to-blame-for-poor-job-growth-b99299594z1-265016421.html Gov. Scott Walker to blame for poor job growth], ''Milwaukee Journal Sentinel''</ref> Coincidentally, it could mean the second time in a row where the GOP decides to target in Wisconsin and its 10 electoral votes. A darling of the [[Koch Industries|Koch Brothers]], [[Astroturf|able to present himself as a grassroots conservative while]] [[Reaganism|pandering to the establishment]] like a chameleon. Also rejected federal [[high speed rail]] funds (like Kasich); This may help him in the primary but hurt him in the general election.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Won three elections with record low turnout, outright wrecked his state's economy...The usual stuff.<ref>[http://milk.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=001154]</ref> 

Despite the enormous sums of money, Walker isn't exactly the brightest bulb in the house. He compared striking union workers to [[DAESH]], of all fucking things, showing that he considers Americans themselves to be the greatest threat to America. This man actually attributed his male-pattern baldness to bumping his head.<ref>Zorn, Eric, [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/zorn/ct-scott-walker-bald-spot-20150717-column.html "Taking the shine off Scott Walker's PateGate"], ''Chicago Tribune'' (7/7/15 1:41pm.</ref> Has no college degree, an achievement not seen since [[Harry Truman]]! He also, recklessly and without much of a reason, decided to skip the all-important Florida primary if he runs.<ref>[http://time.com/3896678/scott-walker-suggests-he-may-sit-out-florida-primary/ "Walker Suggests He May Sit Out Florida Primary"], TIME.</ref>

"My view has changed. I'm flat out saying it. [[RINO|Candidates can say that.]]"<ref>[[Nick Gillespie|Gillespie, Nick]], [https://reason.com/blog/2015/05/08/scott-walkers-new-flip-flop-he-now-suppo "Scott Walker's New Flip-Flop: He Now Supports Auto Bailouts?"] ''Reason'' (5/8/15 7:57 am). Is that a Vaudevillian hook in the distance?</ref><ref>Steve Peoples and Scott Bauer, [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/scott-walker-gop-rivals-flip-flop "GOP Rivals Pile On Scott Walker's Flip-Flopping"], TPM (3/14/15, 9:20 AM EDT).</ref> Donors began to waver, his war chest dried up, and his approval rating went to '''0.5 percent'''. He became the second to drop out of the race.<ref>[http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-34317758 Scott Walker drops out of US 2016 presidential race]. ''[[BBC]].'' 21 September 2015. Retrieved on 21 September 2015.</ref><ref>Jenna Johnson, Dan Balz, Robert Costa.[http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/09/21/scott-walker-suspends-presidential-campaign/ Scott Walker suspending presidential campaign]. ''Washington Post''. 21 September 2015. Retrieved on 21 September 2015.</ref>
|}

==Dodged the bullet==
Looked like they were going to run, but declined.

{| class="wikitable"
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:John Bolton by Gage Skidmore.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|John Bolton}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1948|11|20}}<br/>Former Ambassador to the [[United Nations]]
|'''Advantages''': Neocons will probably love him. His disdain towards any kind of international organizations and diplomacy plays well to the [[American exceptionalism|"USA! USA! USA!"-unilateralists]]. 

A stopped clock moment is Bolton's 2013 statement that gay marriage should ''not'' be outlawed (you didn't see ''that'' coming, did you?) at either state and federal levels.<ref>[http://www.ontheissues.org/2016/John_Bolton_Civil_Rights.htm ''John Bolton on Civil Rights''], On The Issues</ref>
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Has a mustache.<ref>Sheffer, Lyon, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2016/12/27/trump-thinks-a-mustache-disqualifies-you-from-office-so-do-a-lot-of-americans/ "Trump thinks a mustache disqualifies you from office. So do a lot of voters."], WaPo 12.21.16.</ref> Apparently, Trump turned him down for a cabinet post because he won't shave it.{{onion}}

Appetite for war have been dulled by the legacy of Bolton's [[George W. Bush|former employer]]. 

What is Bolton going to do about domestic issues? No, really, we'd like to know.<ref group=note>As an indication, note the disparity between the level of detail in his foreign policy suggestions and the glaring holes on such issues as tax reform and free trade in his [http://www.ontheissues.org/John_Bolton.htm profile from ''On the Issues'']</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Robert_ehrlich_speaking_at_healthierUS_summit_cropped.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Bob Ehrlich}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1957|11|25}}<br/>Governor of [[Maryland]]
|'''Advantages''': Rose to prominence in Congress as part of the [[Newt Gingrich|Gingrich]] Revolution in 1994. In 2002 Ehrlich defeated [[Robert F. Kennedy|Bobby Kennedy]]'s daughter, Kathleen Kennedy Townsend, for Governor of Maryland. Ehrlich holds the distinction of being the first Republican Governor of Maryland since [[Spiro Agnew]].
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Probably too much of a typical East Coast [[RINO]]. After getting booted out of office in 2006, [[Sarah Palin]] backed his Tea Party primary opponent when he sought a rematch with Democratic incumbent, Martin O'Malley, who defeated him 4 years earlier.<ref group=note>O'Malley, a prospective Democratic Presidential challenger for 2016, whooped Ehrlich twice for Governor of Maryland in 2006 and 2010 by margins of 52% to 46%, and 56% to 42%, respectively.</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Jon_Huntsman_by_Gage_Skidmore.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Jon Huntsman]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1960|3|26}}<br/>Former Ambassador to [[Singapore]]/[[China]] and Governor of [[Utah]]
|'''Advantages''': Current spot as chairman of the Atlantic Council caps an excellent career in diplomacy under Bush 41 and Obama. An honest-to-god pro-[[gay marriage]] and pro-climate conservative. Increasingly disillusioned with the direction of the GOP (he plans to "re-infuse it with the ideals of [[Rockefeller Republican|Lincoln, Roosevelt and Eisenhower]]" and even threatened to start a third party),<ref>[http://www.sltrib.com/info/staff/1583798-155/huntsman-labels-presidential-republican-says-group Jon Huntsman won’t rule out 2016 run, but eyes sidelines for now], ''The Salt Lake Tribune''</ref> which is code for "Excuse me while I abandon ship and attempt to pick up the pieces over the next decade."
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Like Romney, 2012 demonstrated that a Mormon candidate still carries stigma with [[social conservative]]s, as well as his association with the terms "Obama" and "China." Being born into 
millions
 billions will always make him an easy target. Passed abortion restrictions and a flat tax in Utah. So much for his "only sane man" image.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Dennis Michael Lynch 2015.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Dennis Michael Lynch}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1969|08|28}}<br/>Filmmaker
|'''Advantages''': When Dennis M. Lynch appears on Fox, he is presented as a legitimate "documentary" filmmaker, whereas in the real world, he's [[Expert for hire|a right-wing spin doctor]] who makes direct-to-DVD movies about America's border security.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Black people are never going to vote for a guy with the name Lynch. Thinks [[Cliven Bundy]] is a national treasure.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:5.3.10SarahPalinByDavidShankbone.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Sarah Palin]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1964|02|11}}<br/>Former Governor of [[Alaska]]
|'''Advantages''': What candidate ''wouldn't'' want the highly-coveted Palin endorsement? Sarah, who puts the "rat" in desperate, also came out in support of pot legalization and [[Reddit|/r/libertarian]] went nuts.<ref>Sullum, Jacob, [https://reason.com/blog/2015/11/20/sarah-palin-says-legal-pot-is-absolutely "Sarah Palin Says Legal Pot Is 'Absolutely No Big Deal"], ''Reason''.11.20.15.</ref> Will add to the circus atmosphere with her strange photo-ops; attempted hijacking of the [[feminist]] movement.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Oof, gosh. Too busy shilling her new E-book to do much campaigning.<ref>[http://wonkette.com/597230/sarah-palin-guesses-atheist-president-would-be-better-than-isis-oof-gosh "It’s a Bible devotional doohickey, but with all the lovey gay Jesus words crossed out and replaced with Reaganomics and the Second Amendment, available at all fine Amazon kiosks!]"</ref> [[Lightning rod]] for criticism both in and out of the party. Helped sink the 2008 [[John McCain]] campaign. Doesn't know which Korea is an ally to the United States.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Tim Pawlenty CPAC 2011.JPG|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Tim Pawlenty}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1960|11|27}}<br/>Former Governor of [[Minnesota]]
|'''Advantages''': T-Paw is considered fairly....normal, at least compared to the rogues gallery that stayed in the race. Urged fellow Republicans to support a [[Minimum wage|wage hike]]<ref>Topaz, Jonathan, [http://www.politico.com/story/2014/04/tim-pawlenty-republicans-wage-hike-106189 "Pawlenty: GOP must back wage hike"], Politico (04/30/14 07:42 AM EDT, Updated 04/30/14 10:00 AM EDT).</ref>—with enough vague language so he can slime his way out of that position once he's back on the dais.
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Pardoned a serial child molester so he and his wife could open up a day care center (?!).<ref>[http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/12/1/924578/ "Pawlenty pardoned serial child molester so wife could open up day care center"], Daily Kos (12/1/10, 11:08 AM PST).</ref> Believes that people who are dying from cancer should be arrested if they use marijuana for relief. Quit Team Romney to go become a banking goon.<ref>[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/03/tim-pawlenty-bank-of-america_n_830827.html "Tim Pawlenty Is Pretty Sure Bank Of America's Taxes Are Too Damn High (They Are "Zero," Actually)"], HuffPo.</ref> (Romney advisor, bank lobbyist... what's the difference?) "Retired" from political life in early 2015, as if that wasn't already decided for him. Goodbye and thanks for nothing. The state won't miss you.
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:USTR Rob Portman, Press Briefing at the U.S. Mission.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''Rob Portman'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1955|12|19}}<br/>Junior Senator from Ohio
|'''Advantages''': Has 15+ years in Congress, bipartisan, did some trade representative-ey things, and known for playing Democrats in mock debate sessions. Clinton advisors were genuinely worried if he campaigned and campaigned well.<ref>[http://www.tampabay.com/blogs/the-buzz-florida-politics/bush-portman-ticket-could-be-hard-to-beat-clinton-friend-says/2207626 Bush-Portman ticket would be hard to beat, Clinton friend says], ''Tampa Bay Times''</ref>
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': The first sitting Republican Senator (if you exclude [[RINO|Lincoln Chaffee]]) to openly support same-sex marriage. Why are there tumbleweeds on the horizon?<ref>[http://www.advocate.com/politics/election/2014/12/02/pro-equality-repub-rob-portman-wont-seek-presidency Pro-Equality Repub Rob Portman Won't Seek Presidency], ''The Advocate''</ref>
|-
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Mitt_Romney_by_Gage_Skidmore_7.jpg|80px]]<br/>'''[[Mitt Romney]]'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1947|03|12}}<br/>Former Governor of [[Massachusetts]]
[http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/01/30/mitt-romney-is-not-running-for-president_n_6579774.html?utm_hp_ref=tw Bowed out Jan 2015].
|'''Advantages''': Effectively the "In Case of Emergency, Break Glass" candidate: in the event of a brokered convention, expect fierce pressure by the RNC to draft him yet again.<ref>[http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/11/upshot/why-2016-may-be-mitt-romneys-year.html?abt=0002&abg=0 Why 2016 May Be Mitt Romney’s Year], ''The New York Times''</ref> (As of November 2014, 20% of the party believes he deserves another shot.)<ref>[http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2014/nov/26/mitt-romney-top-republican-contender-2016-poll Mitt Romney is top Republican contender for 2016, poll finds], ''The Guardian''</ref> Would have a huge fundraising operation like before, and could challenge more [[swing state]]s if he promises to "fix" a [[ACA|health care plan inspired by him]] rather than "repeal" it.
|- 
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Everything that made him lose to [[Barack Obama]] in 2012.<ref>[[Nate Silver]], [http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/if-donald-trump-is-the-problem-mitt-romney-isnt-the-solution/ "If Trump is the Problem, Mitt Romney Isn't the Solution"], ''FiveThirtyEight.''</ref> He came off like a Mr. Monopoly character and the public was turned off by his out-of-touch statements about wealth in America (it's patronizing for [[Astroturf|a rich guy to say ''Hey plebes, I'm just like you!'']], people see right through that shit and Romney wasn't very good at it to begin with), while conservatives [http://imgc-cn.artprintimages.com/images/P-473-488-90/61/6176/HDF1100Z/posters/paul-noth-picket-sign-outside-a-home-reads-oh-alright-fine-romney-new-yorker-cartoon.jpg were never really comfortable] with the "Massachusetts moderate".

The bitter, grumbling millionaire to Trump's unfettered, fanciful billionaire.<ref group=note>Romney is a Mormon who doesn't smoke or drink, and we guarantee that Trump has done coke off a stripper's ass. Who would you rather have a beer with?</ref> If you asked him if he wanted tea with lemon he'd say ''well we need to consider the potential ramifications of what this lemon could do for our country before coming to a definitive decision but we should also ponder if we can do without such a vital ingredient in our tea of immense importance.''

[[POTUS#Grover Cleveland (1885-1889, 1893-1897)|Only]] [[Richard Nixon|two]] politicians have successfully become POTUS after previously losing a general election, and in both cases conceded in squeakers,<ref group=note>Cleveland ''won'' the popular vote in 1888, in the case of Nixon/Kennedy it is much more complicated, as there was a slate of "unpledged" electors which ultimately did not matter for the result of the electoral vote, but how to count the votes for them in the popular vote is an open question</ref> not by 4% of the popular vote.
|-
|}

==Woolly Mammoth==
Admit it, you would pay to see the [[Prohibition Party]] make a comeback. We could host their primary at a Holiday Inn.

{| class="wikitable"
| rowspan="2" style="text-align: center;width: 150px; border-bottom: solid 2px black; border-right: solid 2px black"|[[File:Jack Fellure (cropped).jpg|80px]]<br/>'''{{wpl|Jack Fellure}}'''<br/>Age: {{Age|1931|10|03}}<br/>[[Perennial candidate]] from [[West Virginia]]
|'''Advantages''': Actual veteran of the [[Korean War]] (!)

{{wpl|Michael Rooker}} lookalike.

The party's logo is basically a yellow-blue version of the House Bolton sigil. (''A Flayed Man Holds No Secrets'' is a catchy slogan.)
|-
|style="border-bottom: solid 2px black"|'''Disadvantages''': Jack says his platform is all laid out in the [[King James Bible]], so he doesn't see the point in campaigning. Yep, he also wants to ban alcohol again. According to the party [http://www.prohibitionparty.org/#!platform/c1flq platform] which they agreed on in 2012, he also plans to tax pornography.
|-
|}

==GOP primary polls==

[[File:2016 Republican Clown Car Parade - Trump Exta Special Edition (18739683269).jpg|thumb|right|400px|"We're not going to have a circus."<ref>Robillard, Kevin, [http://www.politico.com/story/2013/03/reince-priebus-no-more-traveling-circus-089217 "No more 'traveling circus'"], ''Politico'' (03/22/13 08:28 AM EDT). Reince Priebus, Chairman of the Republican National Committee, swearing up and down what is an impossibility.</ref>]] 

{{cquote|I sense a real fear from people that if Trump blows everybody out of the water in South Carolina, that he is suddenly unstoppable.|||[[Erick Erickson]]<ref>Schliefer, Theodore, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/19/politics/ted-cruz-south-carolina-super-tuesday/index.html "Ted Cruz worry: Big South Carolina loss equals bad Super Tuesday"], CNN (Updated 2/1916 4:05 PM ET). '''[[Erick Erickson]]''': "</ref>}}

It's been a free-for-all: the GOP field from day one was the largest and most divided in decades, with nearly 30 elephants under consideration. 

It should have been the Republicans' easiest election in 30 years, but they're about to nominate a guy who's miraculously more unlikable than [[Hillary Clinton]].<ref>Cillizza, Chris, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/05/16/hillary-clintons-long-lingering-likable-enough-problem/ "Hillary Clinton has a likability problem. Donald Trump has a likability epidemic."], ''WaPo'' 5.16.16. It was just poor luck that Bush I drew Clinton as an opponent, and it's poor luck that Clinton II has drawn Trump.</ref> It's more about damage control at this point: A Trump nomination will leave a long-lasting stain on the party. Distancing themselves from Trump and propping up lame duck candidates might be the better long-term option,<ref>Dana Bash and Abigail Crutchfield, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/17/politics/lindsey-graham-ted-cruz-support-fundrasier-campaign/index.html "Lindsey Graham to fundraise for Ted Cruz's presidential bid"], CNN (3/18/16, Updated 10:03 AM ET). ''Now, I know ya'll think I'm being a hypocrite, but it ''is'' St. Paddy's Day and I've more than a few mint juleps!''</ref> even if it means they lose the election:

* '''Super Tuesday''': It's not even a close primary. Trump is beating Rubio in his own state by like 30 points. Cruz has pockets of support in ''a few'' states. Cruz couldn't even win South Carolina with no evangelical competition, so he isn't going anywhere. (Don't blame Carson, he barely got any votes; Carolinians would rather throw their vote away than vote for Cruz.)<ref>Katie Glueck and Shane Goldmacher, [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/02/ted-cruz-south-carolina-loss-strategy-219565 "Cruz stumbles with evangelical voters"], Politico (02/20/16 09:25 PM EST, updated 02/20/16 09:49 PM EST).</ref>

:Kasich "knows" how to win Ohio. And if that's all it took to be president, that might mean something. His overall numbers will be similar to Ben Carson's who is still waiting for the [[Messiah|"awakening."]]<ref>Hains, Tim, [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/03/01/ben_carson_will_not_exit_the_race_always_the_possibility_the_people_could_awaken.html "Ben Carson Will Not Exit The Race: "Always The Possibility The People Could Awaken"], Real Clear Politics 3.1.16. Carson will [[Denial|probably still be running in 2017.]]</ref>

:Rubio was clearly the establishment pick and had been for a while. Then he choked. '''Bad.'''<ref>Levitz, Eric, [http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2016/02/rubio-suggests-trump-has-small-genitals.html "Marco Rubio Suggests That Donald Trump Has Smaller Than Average Genitals"], ''NY Magazine'' (2/29/2016 at 10:14 a.m.). 2016: The year we saw presidential candidates talking about their genitalia on live TV. Ol' [[LBJ]] would've shed a dick-shaped tear of joy.</ref><ref>Robinson, Edward, [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2016/02/09/rubios_revealing_loop_129593.html "Rubio's Revealing Loop"], RCP 2.9.16. Rubio: "Let's dispel with this fiction that Barack Obama doesn't know what he's doing." GOP: <big>'''Put a cork in it, Zane!'''</big></ref> He collapsed to 5th in NH, losing to ''Jeb'' of all people. He is leading nowhere and the math looks bad for him. He doesn't even have the ground game to get out the vote in Iowa or New Hampshire, and, erm, ''doesn't seem to think this is a problem?''<ref>Andrew Prokop, [http://www.vox.com/2015/12/12/9910868/can-marco-rubio-win "Marco Rubio's strategy is utterly baffling"], Vox.</ref><ref>Butler, Brian, [https://newrepublic.com/article/130264/can-marco-rubio-win-anywhere "Can Marco Rubio Win ''Anywhere?''], New Republic 2.20.16.</ref> How ironic that Kasich could win Ohio and Cruz win Texas, yet Rubio can't even win Florida.

*'''Presumptive nominee''': The [[Prisoner's dilemma|Prisoner's Dilemma]] between Rubio and Kasich is fascinating to watch. If Rubio is playing for a brokered convention then he might as well drop out now. Nothing shows real leadership and ability like ''best 2 out of 3?'' (Hey, don't knock Rubio's 3-5-2-3 strategy!)<ref>Frank, T.A., [http://www.vanityfair.com/news/2016/02/does-rubio-have-a-chance "Can Rubio Actually Win?"], ''Vanity Fair'' (2/23/16 4:40 pm).</ref>

:Kasich could emerge as the "adult in the room"; he is well-poised to siphon support away from a flagging Rubio. Unfortunately, vanity candidates like Kasich and Carson are only helping Trump, and the longer they stay in, the more it helps Trump maintain a big lead.<ref>Cohn, Nate, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/20/upshot/how-trump-could-pile-up-delegates-with-modest-percentages-of-the-vote.html "Donald Trump Doesn’t Need High Vote Percentages to Pile Up Delegates"], NYT 2.19.16.</ref> Even if the establishment lined up behind Kasich, he'd come to the convention with 1 state and a small fraction of the delegates.<ref>Koenig, Kailani, [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/kasich-ohio-victory-could-lead-contested-convention-n531336 "Kasich Says Ohio Victory Will Take Him to Convention Fight"], NBC (Mar 3 2016, 6:15 pm ET).</ref> Years from now Kasich is going to be like Salieri from ''Amadeus'' ranting about how God chose Mozart over him.

:Trump is doing just as well (or slightly better) than [[John McCain|McCain]] and [[Mitt Romney]] were at this point. And there were a lot of "''Romney? NEVER!''" voters who failed to derail Romney's campaign. Sure, Rubio/Cruz might eventually pick up the lion's share of support from the other candidates if the rest drop out. But let's be realistic, they aren't going to all drop out until it's far too late to stop Trump. Looks like the donors are beginning to coalesce around Donald, as well.<ref>Michelle Conlin (4 March 2016). [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-election-trump-koch-exclusive-idUSMTZSAPEC32FPEGCF "Exclusive: Koch brothers will not use funds to try to block Trump nomination"]. ''Reuters''. </ref><ref>Hernandez, Daniel, [http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/mar/16/billionaire-sheldon-adelson-hints-at-possible-support-for-trump-why-not "Sheldon Adelson Hints at Possible Support for Trump"], ''The Guardian'' (3/16/16 15.22 EDT). Vegas mogul supports Atlantic City mogul? No way.</ref>

===Facepalms reverberate throughout RNC===

[[File:Stupid_burns.png|thumb|250px|The GOP didn't just "shoot itself in the foot". They stuck a shotgun down their trousers and pulled the trigger twice.]]

Convention rules intended as a firewall against populist upstarts have [[Irony|backfired]] in SC, which may enable Trump to clinch the nomination with less than 40% of the vote.<ref>Wang, Sam, [http://election.princeton.edu/2016/02/11/the-anti-trump-path-gets-very-narrow/ "The GOP’s deadline problem"], Princeton Election Consortium (2/11/16, 3:31pm). </ref> The RNC introduced the "winner-takes-all" states to avoid the uphill battle Romney faced against a bunch of joke candidates. Instead, it set things up for Trump to run away with the nomination ''and'' limit the time the establishment has to get their shit together.

Caveat: The RNC can conceivably fuck him when he gets there, hand it to 
Rubio
 
Romney?
 
Cruz
 
Kasich
 
[http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/189/106/726.jpg Jeb Bush for ultimate irony please GOP make it happen]
 Romney,<ref>Jon Huntsman says [https://twitter.com/JonHuntsman/status/711002662758686721 'something stinks'] with Romney's (quasi) endorsement of Cruz in UT, 3.18.16 Tweet.</ref><ref>Costa, Robert, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/06/mitt-romney-met-privately-with-william-kristol-who-is-leading-the-effort-to-draft-an-independent-bid/ "Mitt Romney met privately with William Kristol, who is leading the effort to draft an independent candidate"], ''WaPo'' (5/6/16 8:07 pm).</ref> and take their chances with Trump running as an independent.<ref>Milhauser, Ian, [http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2015/12/11/3731121/the-brutal-delegate-math-that-could-deny-donald-trump-the-nomination-at-a-brokered-convention/ "The Brutal Delegate Math That Could Allow The GOP To Steal The Nomination From Trump"], ThinkProgress (12/11/15 12:47 pm).</ref> They've shown a willingness to snub people they feel don't belong before: They pretty much [[Ron_Paul#Electoral_.22success.22|took a dump right on Ron Paul's head]] in 2012. However, that will probably never happen since Trump has the nomination locked up. The optics would be "RNC is stealing the election away from Trump." It will confirm all the voters' beliefs about establishment puppeteers pulling the strings.

If the Republicans gave their delegates out proportionally like the Democrats do, then it would be a much different story, and Trump would likely lose a brokered convention.<ref>Lee, MJ, [http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/25/politics/rubio-republican-convention/ "Rubio prepares for contested convention"], CNN (2/25/16, Updated 5:51 PM ET). The idea of a brokered convention in 2016 is ridiculous all on its own.</ref> But the fact is, rules are rules, and "winner takes all" states are giving Trump an insurmountable delegate lead. [http://www.gifbin.com/bin/062010/1275389857_naked-gun-facepalm.gif A round of applause, please.]

On the upside, the GOP obliterating itself on national TV is going to send ratings through the stratosphere.

==Primaries/Caucuses won thus far==
Below are the winners of the states which have held [[Primary election|primaries or caucuses]] so far: 

*Cruz
**[[Alaska]]
**[[Colorado]]
**[[Idaho]]
**[[Iowa]]
**[[Kansas]]
**[[Maine]]
**[[Oklahoma]]
**[[Texas]]
**[[Utah]]
**[[Wisconsin]]
**[[Wyoming]]

*Kasich
**[[Ohio]]

*Rubio
**[[Minnesota]]
**[[Puerto Rico]] (which is not a state, but still holds a primary)
**[[Washington, D.C.]] (not a state, still hosts a primary)

*Trump
**[[Alabama]]
**[[Arizona]]
**[[Arkansas]]
**[[California]]
**[[Connecticut]]
**[[Delaware]]
**[[Florida]]
**[[Georgia]]
**[[Hawaii]]
**[[Illinois]]
**[[Indiana]]
**[[Kentucky]]
**[[Louisiana]]
**[[Maryland]]
**[[Massachusetts]]
**[[Michigan]]
**[[Mississippi]]
**[[Missouri]]
**[[Montana]]
**[[Nebraska]]
**[[Nevada]]
**[[New Hampshire]]
**[[New Jersey]]
**[[New Mexico]]
**[[New York]]
**[[North Carolina]]
**[[North Dakota]]
**[[Oregon]]
**[[Pennsylvania]]
**[[Rhode Island]]
**[[South Carolina]]
**[[South Dakota]]
**[[Tennessee]]
**[[Vermont]]
**[[Virginia]]
**[[Washington]]
**[[West Virginia]]


==External links==
*[http://www.theonion.com/article/rubio-refutes-claim-he-soft-immigration-dragging-u-52175 "Rubio Refutes Claim He's Soft On Immigration By Dragging Undocumented Worker He Knocked Out Cold"]
**[http://www.theonion.com/article/rand-paul-escorted-stage-after-falling-below-25-mi-51820 "Rand Paul Escorted Off Stage After Falling Below 2.5% In Middle Of Debate"] 
* [http://www.politico.com/gallery/2016/04/john-kasich-eating-food-photos-002249 Kasich really fucking loves breakfast] — Considering he ran for months on a shoestring budget, his campaign was obviously a front for restaurant chains across the country. (Even his campaign logo is [https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/30/Kasich_2016.png a strip of bacon.])

==Videos==
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1lNasOAMEA 2016 GOP Primary - The dating sim] - Jeb is still our husbando, though.

==See also==
*[[2012 Republican Party presidential nomination]]
*[[2016 Democratic Party presidential nomination]] — The Democratic debates have been some of the tamest we've ever seen among either party. Clinton calls Sanders an idealist. Sanders says Hillary is in bed with Wall Street. And meanwhile, Trump is saying Cruz "the biggest liar he's ever met" and everyone else is calling Trump a clown prince of crime. The Democratic debates look like a boxing match, and the GOP debates looks like a prison yard brawl, shivs and all.
*[[2016 Republican National Convention]] — a convention like no other

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note|2}}

==References==
{{reflist|3|90%}}

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[[Category:2016 US presidential election]]
[[Category:United States presidential elections]]

Categories: 2016 US presidential election, United States presidential elections