Liberal Party of Australia

[[File:Liberal Party of Australia Logo 2015.png|thumb|right|164px|[http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/australia-open-for-business-austrade-campaign-may-contravene-rules-20151104-gkr517.html Open For Business™]]]
{{politics}}

{{cquote|We chose the word 'Liberal' because we want to be [[Irony|a progressive party]], in no way conservative, in no way [[reactionary]].|||Sir Robert Menzies, ''Afternoon Light'' (1967)}}

The '''Liberal Party of [[Australia]]''' is a political party founded in 1944, replacing and succeeding the pre-war United Australia Party. It was founded as a reaction to the [[Australian Labor Party]]. This is not a cheap, partisan opinion but a historical truth: their most significant achievements are all about [[Starve the beast|dismantling other people's achievements]], which sounds a lot like the "owning the libs" mantra of Republicans in the United States. 

The Liberal Party has never won a majority in their own right. It is in a semi-permanent [[Coalition government|coalition]] with the rural-based 
People Who Think Shepherd's Pie Is Too Ethnic
 [[National Party of Australia]]. The Nats wield much more political power than the [[Australian Greens|Greens]], despite polling less than half as many votes Australia-wide. The arrangement between the Libs and the Nats is so close, in fact, that the two operate virtually as one party (LNP), and in fact, have already amalgamated in the state of Queensland. Because most of their members are in bed with the coal mining industry, the press have nicknamed them the Coal-lition. Look on the bright side: We may destroy the planet, but fortunately, we'll be making a lot of money for a few wealthy people.<ref name="macfarlane">Anna Henderson and Elly Bradfield, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-09-26/ian-macfarlane-appointed-to-run-queensland-mining-lobby/7876942 "Former resources minister Ian Macfarlane says new mining job complies with code of conduct"], ABC (Updated 9/25/16, 10:26pm).</ref><ref>Lucy Barbour and Anna Vidot, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-14/nationals-president-anthony-rejects-conflict-of-interest-claims/6774030 "New National Party president slams claims his role as mine lobbyist makes him unfit for job"], ABC (Updated 9/13/15 at 10:04pm).</ref>

== "Liberal" Party ? ==
{{hatnote|See also: [[Liberal conservatism]], [[Conservative liberalism]], [[Classical liberalism]], [[Economic liberalism]]}}
{{cquote|We just believe it's another cost on our economy that will have an impact on our international competitiveness.|||Sen. Matthias Cormann on paid leave for domestic violence victims<ref>Woodley, Naomi, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-12/labor-responds-to-cormann-domestic-violence-leave-remarks/8110764 "Labor lashes 'callous' Cormann for saying paid domestic violence leave is 'another cost' to economy"], ABC (Updated 12/11/16 at 6:10am).</ref>}}

Contrary to the American sense of the word, the Liberal Party represents the conservative side of the Australian political spectrum. However, "liberal" in the context of Australian politics is true, but it is based on right-wing [[Liberal conservatism|classical liberal and conservative]] values. When the party was founded in the 1940s, the term "liberal" referred to liberty in general, as opposed to communism. In Australia, the word "liberal" has a contrary meaning to the word "liberal" in the United States. Now it refers to  [[economic liberalism]]...which is just [[Margaret_Thatcher#Thatcherism|Thatcherism]] painted beige. The LPA is classified as a politically conservative-liberal party, which is also related to the conservative politics of the [[Republican Party]] in the United States.{{efn|The investigation "liberal" used in the United States and Canada exclusively refers to center-left politics. Even center-right Republicans avoid calling themselves "liberal". However in most countries, "liberal" is a political term that encompasses both center-left and center-right. Political science evaluates center-right 'conservative liberalism' as an element of the Republican Party. Of course, since "liberals" in the United States mostly means center-left social liberalism and leftist progressivism, conservative liberals are likely not to consider themselves "liberals".<ref>Slomp, Hans (2011). [https://books.google.com/books?id=LmfAPmwE6YYC ''Europe, a Political Profile: An American Companion to European Politics'']. ABC-CLIO.</ref>}} In Australia, social liberals and progressives close to American "liberals" are in the center-left [[Australian Labor Party|Labor Party]], not the center-right Liberal Party.

The Liberals have an environment minister who actively allows harm to the environment,<ref name>Norman, Jane, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-10-18/no-federal-subsidies-carmichael-mine-strong-moral-case-for-coal/6863702 "Carmichael mine: No federal subsidies for Adani but 'strong moral case' for coal, Energy Minister Josh Frydenberg says"], ABC (Updated 10/18/15 at 1:45pm). "...a strong moral case..." Spoken by a man with [https://thumbs.dreamstime.com/z/arrow-dollar-to-money-traffic-direction-sign-7100019.jpg no moral compass.]</ref> in the same way they have a science minister who is hostile to scientists,<ref>Milman, Oliver, [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/sep/10/science-lobby-precious-petals-whinge-policy-macfarlane "Science lobby are 'precious petals' for whingeing, says Ian Macfarlane"], ''Guardian'' (9/10/14 at 4:20 AM EDT).</ref> an immigration minister who despises immigrants,<ref>[http://www.9news.com.au/national/2016/06/30/21/33/dutton-links-asylum-seekers-with-terrorism "Immigration Minister Peter Dutton links asylum seekers with terrorism"], Associated Press via Channel 9 (7/1/6 at 1:28am).</ref> a minister to women who is a misogynist,<ref>Terlato, Peter, [http://www.businessinsider.com.au/tony-abbott-says-his-biggest-achievement-as-minister-for-women-was-adding-an-extra-550-to-their-household-budgets-2014-12 "Tony Abbott Says His Biggest Achievement As Minister For Women Was Adding An Extra $550 To Their Household Budgets"], ''Business Insider'' (12/22/14 at 9:16 AM).</ref> a treasurer who knows nothing about economics,<ref>Martin, James, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/scott-morrison-says-tax-take-wont-change-if-gst-is-increased-20151105-gkri67 "Scott Morrison says tax take won't change if GST is increased "], ''The Age'' 11.5.15.</ref> an education minister who is doing his best to retard education,<ref>[http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2014/08/24/student-protesters-told-get-some-perspective-education-cuts "Student protesters told to 'get some perspective' on education cuts"], SBS (8/24/14 at 3:17pm).</ref> a communications minister who allowed the failure of fiber optic internet,<ref>Taylor, Zachary, [http://www.zdnet.com/article/turnbull-reflects-on-killing-the-dream-of-nbn-fibre-fanatics/ "Turnbull reflects on 'killing the dream' of NBN 'fibre fanatics'"], ZDNet (9/18/14 at 5:36 AM GMT).</ref> as well as a social services minister who is anti-gay.<ref name="scomo">Hunter, Fergus, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/election-2016-scott-morrison-says-he-too-has-faced-hatred-and-bigotry-for-his-conservative-views-on-samesex-marriage-20160622-gpovck.html "Election 2016: Scott Morrison says he too has faced 'hatred and bigotry' for his conservative views on same-sex marriage"], SMH 6.22.16.</ref> Coalition titles make much more sense if you remember to insert [[George_Orwell#.22Newspeak.22|"against"]] into the role.

Liberals aren't as religious as the [[Republican Party|GOP]], reflecting the [[Secularism|secularism]] of Australian culture—though that may be changing. Former Prime Minister John Howard opened the [[megachurch]] Hillsong Convention Centre in 2002. Another PM, Tony Abbott, is a devout [[Catholic]] who opposes abortion and climate science. And there are plenty of MPs who are 
anti-gay
 pro-[[traditional marriage]], [[anti-abortion]], and virulently hostile [[Islamophobia|towards Muslim]]s. But without the backing of an all-powerful arms industry, they are not as trigger-happy as [[Neoconservatism|neo-cons]].

===Factions===

It has two wings: the social conservatives (derisively known as "[[Delusion|DelCons]]", though they wear it as a badge), and the moderates.

*The Libs are your typical right-wing outfit: big business throws a bone to the [[Religious right|religious crazies]] to get their votes. Under PM Howard, and his Lyons Forum cronies, the tail began to wag the dog.<ref>[http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/11/12/1100227570678.html "A quiet man's revolution"], ''The Age'' 11.13.04.</ref> DelCons do not engage in discussion, they derive [[Argument by repetition|simple talking points]] from focus groups to further their agenda. Everything from "Children Overboard",<ref name="children">Knott, Matthew, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/drowned-syrian-toddler-tony-abbott-says-tragic-picture-a-reminder-of-need-to-stop-boats-20150903-gjevx5.html "Drowned Syrian toddler: Tony Abbott says 'tragic' picture a reminder of need to stop boats"], SMH 9.4.1.4</ref> "Alert But Not Alarmed",<ref>Barnes, Greg, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-09-12/barns-beware-the-politics-of-panic-in-terror-alerts/5740570 "Beware the politics of panic in terror alerts"], ABC (Updated 9/11/14, 11:41pm).</ref> "Great Big Tax On Everything",<ref>Taylor, Lenore, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/tony-abbotts-next-policy-vow-anything-but-a-great-big-new-tax/story-e6frg6n6-1225805927737 "Tony Abbott's next policy vow: anything but a 'great big new tax'"], ''Australian'' (12/02/09 at 12:00AM).</ref> "Stop the Boats",<ref>Menadue, John, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2015/09/25/guess-who-really-stopped-the-boats-hint-not-abbott/ "Guess who really stopped the boats? (hint: not Abbott)"], via Crikey 9.25.15.</ref> etc., in a manner reminiscent of "Reds Under the Bed" or "Weapons of Mass Destruction." Trying to find logic or consistency in their statements is an exercise in futility.  Their real agenda ([[Anarcho-capitalism|ancap]] wishlist for a broken society) is so unpalatable that they would never actually [[Bait-and-switch|come out and say it]].<ref>John Roskam, James Paterson and Chris Berg, [https://ipa.org.au/publications/2080/be-like-gough-75-radical-ideas-to-transform-australia "Be like Gough: 75 radical ideas to transform Australia"], Institute of Policy Affairs.</ref>

:This is a party infected with a 'born to rule' mentality. Their leadership has been catastrophic and would be even worse if they weren't so inept at negotiating with the Senate. They can't get anything through because the government can't or won't compromise.<ref>Bourke, Latika, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-10-11/same-sex-marriage-bill-shorten-moves-for-parliament-vote/7923366 "Tony Abbott's paid parental leave scheme deferred with no due date in sight"], SMH 8.3.14.</ref><ref>Andersen, Stephanie, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-10-01/turnbull-government-shelves-university-fee-deregulation-plan/6818916 "Turnbull Government shelves university fee deregulation plan, Education Minister Simon Birmingham confirms"], ABC (Updated 9/30/15, 11:37pm).</ref><ref>Iggulden, Tom, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-02-26/backbench-unease-over-negative-gearing-changes/7201638 "Malcolm Turnbull facing backbench dissent over negative gearing"], ABC (Updated 2/25/16 at 12:25pm).  Deep down, they might actually agree with it, but it was brought forth by The Enemy and thus must be annihilated.</ref><ref name="corman">Woodley, Naomi, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-22/cormann-pressures-shorten-to-back-budget-savings/7775496 "Mathias Cormann pressures Labor to commit to budget savings ahead of parliament resuming"], ABC (8/22/16 at 4:07am). '''Wibbly wobbly jelly on a plate!''' It's like they don't even want the legislation passed, they just want to score a cheap point.</ref><ref>Patel, Uma, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-10-11/same-sex-marriage-bill-shorten-moves-for-parliament-vote/7923366 "Same-sex marriage: Bill Shorten moves amendment for free vote in Parliament"], ABC 10.11.16.</ref> It's very Australian to complain about US trends while at the same time copying from their [[Tea Party movement|playbook]].<ref>Madeline, [http://www.smh.com.au/business/mathias-cormann-met-standoff-players-20131013-2vgl6.html "Mathias Cormann met standoff players"], ABC 10.14.13.</ref>

*The centre-right "small-l" liberals would fit in with [[David Cameron|Cameron's]] UK or [[Stephen Harper|Harper's]] Canada. They are very much opposed to the [[welfare state]] and [[social democracy]] as a whole. This, at least, is an issue which both sides can agree on. It gives them something to fight against, other than climate change, gay marriage, [[Australia#The_issue_of_the_Crown|republicanism]], etc., all of which are disaster zones for the party; because any time they address them, they end up contradicting themselves, offending the public, or both.<ref>Davidson, Helen, [http://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2014/nov/05/kevin-andrews-slammed-by-nt-politician-for-comments-on-de-factos "Kevin Andrews slammed by NT politician for comments on de factos"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/4/16 at 2:12 AM EDT).</ref> There's a bit of a cold war playing out right now between the Corporate faction of the LNP and the Christian faction, because the Corporates are encroaching on the sacred social policy turf.<ref>Morris, Madeline, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-18/tim-wilson-branded-danger-to-families-in-smear-pamphlet/7257742 "Tim Wilson: Former human rights commissioner dubbed 'danger to families' in preselection smear"], ABC (Updated 13/19/16 at 12:59am).</ref>

:John Howard was (and is)<ref>van Onselen, [http://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2017/01/john-howard-takes-entitlement/ "John Howard takes his entitlement"], MacroBusiness (1/18/17 at 9:59 am).</ref> the most extravagant of Prime Ministers, but you'd never know it from reading the [[Rupert Murdoch|gutter]] press. During the Howard years, unemployment was going down, and growth was strong. That was the time to increase taxes, not hand out $380 billion to {{wpl|Battler_(underdog)#Use_in_political_rhetoric|"battlers"}} to invest in new homes (with historically high interest rates to curb inflation in house prices).  Whereas now, unemployment is rising and growth is slow, so the government should be increasing spending, not decreasing it.  But Australians are now addicted to their middle-class welfare.<ref>Emerson, Craig, [http://www.afr.com/opinion/columnists/malcolm-turnbull-can-save-by-cutting-john-howards-middleclass-welfare-state-20160229-gn6c7w "Malcolm Turnbull can save by cutting John Howard's middle-class welfare state"], AFR (Updated 1/1/16 at 12:00 AM ).</ref> The government has borrowed to the hilt, so everyone is worried about the irrelevant [[Austerity|budget deficit]]. The two main parties seem totally clueless about this and will cause a significant recession just trying to get a surplus.

=== Fracture ===

{{cquote| I want you to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze! Drive them into utter submission! And when we've crushed these people enough, I'll send in you, Bernardi!  They'll cheer you as a rescuer, lovely Bernardi, really a lovely boy.|||[[Gina Rinehart|Baroness Harkonnen]]}}

[[Malcolm Turnbull]] was elected to drag his party out of the ditch it was led to by Abbott. The Coalition is coming apart at the seams because they haven't resolved the internal rift between the centre-right (personified by Turnbull) and the wingnuts who had a taste of power under Abbott and who, believe it or not, can't let go of the idea that [[Personality cult|"We Need Tony"]]. But even back then, many Australians predicted that Malcolm's either going to get toppled by the right (again), or he's going to start losing appeal with the general public.<ref>Hunter, Fergus, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/kevin-andrews-put-tony-abbott-in-cabinet-20160713-gq56wf.html "Dumped minister Kevin Andrews calls for Tony Abbott to be returned to cabinet"], SMH 6.13.16.</ref><ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/oct/25/malcolm-turnbulls-support-lower-than-tony-abbotts-before-ousting-newspoll-shows "Malcolm Turnbull's support lower than Tony Abbott's before ousting, Newspoll shows"], Associated Press via ''Guardian'' (Last modified 10/26/16 at 6:13 PM EDT).</ref> In a parallel to Labor's Rudd and Gillard, Turnbull and Abbott's supporters clashed publicly, with several sitting lawmakers publicly criticizing the prime minister for being selfish, cowardly, and hypocritical. <ref>[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-04/kevin-andrews-says-remarks-on-leadership-ambitions-hypothetical/7298256 "Kevin Andrews says remarks about challenging Turnbull for leadership hypothetical," Francis Keany, ABC Australia]</ref> <ref>[https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/jeff-kennett-attacks-malcolm-turnbull-for-selfinterest-and-lack-of-courage-20160309-gne4e3.html "Jeff Kennett attacks Malcolm Turnbull for 'self-interest' and lack of courage," Fergus Hunter, ABC Australia]</ref>

Perhaps to try to keep his party stable, Turnbull abandoned all of his previous beliefs, moderate positions, and reformist policies, and simply chose to continue most of Abbott's policies. His own personal views on climate change, same-sex marriage, immigration, and republicanism no longer mattered as much as maintaining power. <ref>[https://web.archive.org/web/20151113164255/http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/why-malcolm-turnbull-will-end-up-disappointing-many-voters/story-fn5tas5k-1227529581264 "Why Malcolm Turnbull will end up disappointing many voters," archived via Wayback Machine]</ref> While marriage equality did eventually pass, <ref>[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-12-07/same-sex-marriage-bill-passes-house-of-representatives/9235560 "Same-sex marriage bill passes House of Representatives after hundreds of hours of debate," ABC Australia]</ref> many argued that he deliberately delayed marriage equality as long as humanely possible and hoped that citizens would vote against the non-binding plebiscite which preceded the legislative vote for marriage equality. <ref>[https://www.huffpost.com/archive/au/entry/marriage-equality-proponents-are-considering-a-boycott-which-wou_au_5cd3676ce4b0acea9500397a "Marriage Equality Proponents Are Considering A Boycott Which Would Let The 'No' Case Win," Karen Barlow, Huffington Post]</ref>

As everyone predicted, Turnbull lost both the public as well as confidence within his party. His beleaguered premiership became a proxy conflict between two media moguls, Kerry Stokes, chairman of Seven West Media, and Rupert Murdoch himself, who sought to oust Turnbull after the Coalition lost multiple by-elections. Stokes, a longtime confidant of Turnbull, loathed the fact that the Murdoch media turned on his old friend, but Murdoch himself feared Labor would beat Turnbull, so he backed all efforts to oust Turnbull throughout 2018. Peter Dutton, who represented the right wing but opposed Abbott, announced that he would challenge Turnbull, seriously threatening Turnbull's leadership. Eventually, sensing that he lost the room, Turnbull chose not to contest the challenge. In response, Stokes used his newspapers to back [[Scott Morrison]] instead. Morrison went on to defeat Dutton and become Prime Minister of Australia just before COVID-19. <ref>[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-09-19/liberal-leadership-spill-rupert-murdoch-kerry-stokes-influence/10262552 "What did Rupert Murdoch and Kerry Stokes have to do with the Liberal leadership spill?" ABC Australia]</ref> <ref>[https://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/scott-morrison-sworn-in-as-australias-30th-prime-minister/mo6hcr183 "Scott Morrison sworn in as Australia's 30th prime minister," SBS]</ref> With Morrison's defeat to Labor's Anthony Albanese, the party is now led by Peter Dutton, who looks and feels more like a [[One Nation]] loon than a normal politician.

We finally brought up the elephant in the room - [[One Nation]] is to the Coalition what [[Nigel Farage]] is to [[Conservative Party (UK)|the British Conservative Party]] - an annoying, fringe, self-aggrandizing ankle-biter forcing the party to walk without a foot. The pro-business wing is vastly outnumbered on the ground by [[Donald Trump|Trump]]-lite supporters, old and young, who want to piss off the left wing as they usher in Jurassic capitalism. Now the Liberals have to throw bones to those Senators to pass stuff like tax and welfare cuts. The "uglies", a hard-right faction founded by {{wpl|Lyenko Urbanchich|a former collaborator}} in New South Wales,<ref>Aarons, Mark [http://www.smh.com.au/news/obituaries/ardent-nazi-took-liberal-to-extremes/2006/03/03/1141191845008.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap3 "Ardent Nazi took Liberal to extremes"], SMH 5.4.06.</ref> have also recently regrouped.

There's talk of the DelCons, led by Senator Bernardi, ditching the Coalition to go form a Trumpian political party: the Australian Conservatives Party.<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/politics/cory-bernardi-set-to-split-from-coalition-to-launch-donald-trumpinspired-movement/news-story/24a2a988cda8fa9d8b0193ce6d72291a "Cory Bernardi set to ‘split from Coalition’ to launch Donald Trump-inspired movement"], news.au (12.22.16 at 6:12pm).</ref> Bernardi, like Abbott, sees himself as a [[Culture war|culture warrior]] and one of the last "true defenders" of conservative "values," unlike his morally-flexible kin.<ref>Neighbor, Sally, [https://www.themonthly.com.au/cory-bernardi-conservative-warrior-all-about-cory-sally-neighbour-4327 "All about Cory - Cory Bernardi, conservative warrior"], ''The Monthly'', Dec. 2011 - Jan. 2012 issue.</ref> Meanwhile, Gina the Hutt and her right-wing allies wants their taxes cut, wages obliterated, and their kleptocratic model to become a reality by piggybacking on the populist sentiment. They are not pulling strings in the shadows as usual.<ref>Ting, Inga, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/ipsos-survey-australians-want-a-strong-leader-to-take-country-back-from-rich-powerful-20170117-gtsu9v.html Survey: Australians want "strong leader" to take country back from the rich and powerful], SMH 1.17.17. The opportunity is there if there's a demagogue willing to take it.</ref><ref name="george">Karp, Paul, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/dec/22/christensen-threatens-to-leave-coalition-amid-fears-bernardi-may-form-own-party "Christensen threatens to leave Coalition amid fears Bernardi may form own party"], ''Guardian'' (12/21/16 at 6:18 PM EST).</ref><ref name="gina">[http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/leaders/gina-rineharts-message-to-australian-politicians-on-what-the-country-needs/news-story/246dc71f1e7ccea4e06d36faf19ab836 "Gina Rinehart’s message to Australian politicians on what the country needs"], news.au (12/31/16 at 6:48am).</ref>

== Policies ==
=== Let them eat coal ===

{{main|War on science}}

{{cquote|Far from enjoying the hero status that normally would go to an industry overcoming the odds to be a world-beater, mining has been treated rather shabbily in Australia. We do not give much attention to the contribution of mining in the school curriculum. Students in modern Australian schools are more likely to learn about mining as a threat to the environment than an industry that underpins living standards.|||Peter Costello<ref>Ker, Peter, [http://www.afr.com/business/mining/innovation-agenda-must-embrace-mining-costello-20160912-grekco "Innovation agenda must embrace mining: Costello"], AFR (Updated 9/12/16 at 7:59 PM).</ref>}}

Queensland is the North Korea of climate change, forever rattling an empty scabbard in return for scraps and ridicule. That's why CSIRO (Commonwealth Scientific and Industrial Research Organisation) has been so savagely cut to the bone. They were on the verge of marketing printable solar cells<ref>Stewart, Emily, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-09-09/printable-solar-panels-one-step-closer-to-market/5731628 "Printable solar panels, developed by CSIRO and Melbourne universities, one step closer to market"], ABC (Updated 9/9/14 at 11:52pm). Great job, lads! You can go home now!  Forever.</ref> (which are cheaper than coal-fired plants), a burgeoning industry to make up for the end of the mining boom. Better cut their funding immediately.

CSIRO is also home to Australia's wireless, gravitational wave, and 3D-printing research. Now they're left shuffling money around and laying off workers<ref>Chirgwin, Richard, [http://www.theregister.co.uk/2014/11/18/csiro_carves_out_another_75_jobs/ "CSIRO carves out another 75 jobs"], Register (11/18/14 at 01:02).</ref> ("efficiency dividends") under both parties; not just cuts, but creating uncertainty about projects that are decades in the making, and allowing $120m worth of scientists to get poached overseas where they are valued and paid well. (There's a reason CSIRO started selling ''diet books''.) The guy "appointed" as head of CSIRO by the Abbott government is a waste of space. He openly admitted to believing in [[Dowsing|water divining]] and stated that it's something CSIRO should be looking into.<ref>Dayton, Leigh, [http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2014/10/incoming-australia-research-chief-touts-water-dowsing "Incoming Australia research chief touts water dowsing"], ''Australian Science Magazine'' (10/30/14 at 12:00 PM).</ref> But it's gotten serious enough that in 2014 they found themselves unable to attend scientific conferences (even via satellite), and in 2015 they were even struggling to pay bills.<ref>Mayes, Andrea, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-12-05/staff-morale-at-rock-bottom-at-csiro-staff-say/5934222 "CSIRO staff 'not allowed to attend conferences' as budget cuts hit hard, staff say"], ABC (updated 12/5/14 at 4:44pm). Maybe if they had figured out a way to print coal.</ref><ref>Hannam, Peter, [http://www.smh.com.au/environment/climate-change/captains-call-plea-as-more-csiro-job-cuts-loom-on-eve-of-paris-climate-summit-20151124-gl6jsy.html "'Captain's call' plea as more CSIRO job cuts loom on eve of PM's address to Paris climate summit"], SMH 11.24.15.</ref> 

Later, Turnbull was forced to decimate the climate research departments by the eco-Luddites in his cabinet.<ref>Ison, Nicky, [http://theconversation.com/cutting-arena-would-devastate-clean-energy-research-64586 "Cutting ARENA would devastate clean energy research"], The Conversation (8/30/16 at 1:18am EDT).</ref> To be fair to the Coalition, the CSIRO may [[Reality-based community|tell them things that are at odds with their policy goals.]]

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That's an ad from the Minerals Council of Australia, authorised by "G. Evans of Canberra." The Minerals Council is just a lobbying group which is named for something [[Think tank|quasi-governmental]]; all they want to do is to pay as little tax as possible.<ref>Ker, Peter, [http://www.afr.com/business/mining/minerals-council-throwing-its-weight-around-with-amazing-coal-campaign-20150907-gjgkio "Minerals Council throwing its weight around with 'amazing' coal campaign"], AFR (Updated 9/715 at 2:21 PM). Coal lobby. It's an amazing bullshit farm.</ref> Gareth Evans is Chancellor of Australian National University and a former Foreign Affairs minister under Labor. Though opposed to nuclear power, Professor Evans is a powerful ally to coal. It's thanks to his intervention that ANU did not divest from fossil fuels. So not only are taxpayers paying for this [[propaganda]], but ANU staff and students are indirectly supporting Big Coal.<ref>Hagemann, Ben, [https://www.australianmining.com.au/news/anu-backpedals-on-divestment-blacklist-2/ "ANU backpedals on divestment blacklist"], Australian Mining 10.23.14.</ref><ref>Latimer, Cole, [https://www.australianmining.com.au/news/more-miners-to-go-bankrupt-in-2016/ "More miners to go bankrupt in 2016"] Australian Mining 3.3.16.</ref?-->
Meanwhile, climate science says that 80% of coal has to stay in the ground to avoid reaching the 2C warming threshold.<ref>Pidcock, Roz, [https://www.carbonbrief.org/meeting-two-degree-climate-target-means-80-per-cent-of-worlds-coal-is-unburnable-study-says "Meeting two degree climate target means 80 per cent of world’s coal is “unburnable”, study says"], Carbon Brief (1/7/15 ).</ref>

=== Housing Ponzi scheme ===

{{cquote|Asset bubbles are like a Ponzi scheme—everything is fine until the cash dries up and asset prices stop rising. Like it or not, we are exposed to the Chinese property bubble.|||Malcolm Turnbull in 2010<ref>Turnbull, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-opinion/chinese-debt-binge-is-fuelling-a-dangerous-property-bubble-20100615-yd1a.html "Chinese debt binge is fueling a dangerous property bubble"], via SMH 6.16.10.</ref>}}

The Liberals live in an affluence bubble<ref>Karp, Paul, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/may/04/malcolm-turnbull-defends-his-personal-tax-record-and-negative-gearing-policy "Malcolm Turnbull suggests parents 'shell out' to help their children buy property"], '[[Guardian]]'' (Last modified on Monday 4 July 2016 00.30 EDT). Step one is to find a rich mother.</ref><ref>Bourke, Latika, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/joe-hockeys-advice-to-first-homebuyers--get-a-good-job-that-pays-good-money-20150609-ghjqyw.html "Joe Hockey's advice to first homebuyers - get a good job that pays good money "], SMH 6.9.15.</ref> wherein they calmly try to explain that the housing crisis doesn't exist,<ref>Su-Lin, Tan, [http://www.afr.com/news/policy/budget/high-demand-means-theresno-property-bubble-says-peter-costellohigh-demand-meansno-property-bubble-says-costello-20140917-jf03t "High demand means there’s no property bubble, says Peter Costello"], AFR (Updated 9/17/14 at 12:42 PM).</ref> and a basic need (a requirement for workers which supports their employment) will be better off as poker chips on the international market.<ref>Linton Besser, Clay Hichens and Mario Christodoulou, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-10-12/chinese-investors-flooding-billions-into-australian-real-estate/6841816?pfmredir=sm "Chinese investors flooding billions into the Australian real estate market prompt money laundering fears"], ABC (Updated 10/11/16 at 10:54pm).</ref><ref>Christina Zhou and Philip Wen, [http://www.domain.com.au/news/chinese-property-buyers-flock-to-melbourne-for-golden-week-20160929-grq24m/ "Chinese property buyers flock to Melbourne for Golden Week"], Domain 10.1.16. How is $1 million in cash not a [[Tax haven|questionable transaction]]?</ref>  

Turnbull frequently talks about increasing supply to address affordability, which would make more sense if there was an actual supply problem. Housing bubbles are seldom popped by construction because they're really land bubbles. If you knock down a house and build condominiums, all you do is increase the price of the land underneath. This idea that unaffordable housing is caused by a lack thereof is neoliberal dogma<ref name="chung">Chung, Frank, [http://www.news.com.au/finance/real-estate/buying/theyre-going-to-buy-the-whole-lot-chinese-property-investment-tipped-to-boom/news-story/8e75e5de3bc1bdafec38bff98dba5b40 "‘They’re going to buy the whole lot’: Chinese property investment tipped to boom"], news.au (7/22/15 at 10:26pm).</ref><ref name="kelly">Anderson, Stephanie, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-02-24/negative-gearing-mixed-messages-from-turnbull-frontbench/7195064 "Assistant Treasurer Kelly O'Dwyer appears to contradict PM Malcolm Turnbull on negative gearing"], ABC (Updated 2/23/16 at 4:02pm).</ref> (cite figures, they'll just say [[Blaming the victim|work harder]]), but there is an interesting experiment going on in Melbourne/Sydney to see who's right.<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/finance/real-estate/buying/australias-ghost-suburbs-a-national-scandal/news-story/7e74c62fc314f86a2c8b176f3358d13f "Australia’s ghost suburbs a ‘national scandal’"], news.au (3/29/16 at 12:51pm).</ref> 

Also, if you break the [[Trade union|union]] and reduce the construction price by 30%, it won't make the buildings cheaper, it will just increase the developers' profits.<ref>Chang, Charis, [http://www.news.com.au/finance/economy/federal-budget/malcolm-turnbull-takes-a-weird-stab-at-addressing-house-prices/news-story/7de4368a45c1dd549755ba86f69850a8 "Malcolm Turnbull takes a weird stab at addressing house prices"], news.au (5/9/16 at 4:34pm).</ref>

==== Negative gearing ====

Wikipedia has a whole section dedicated to Australia in the "{{wpl|Negative gearing}}" article. They seem to be the only country that's dumb enough to do it. The Hawke Government abolished it in 1985, but wussed out two years later because the move was (incorrectly) linked to rising rents in Sydney and Melbourne. Now it's kind of an accepted fact that it keeps rents lower.<ref name="ng">[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-05-06/hockey-negative-gearing/6431100 "Fact check: Did abolishing negative gearing push up rents?"], ABC (Updated 3/2/16 at 4:44pm).</ref>  Labor's negative gearing plan was sensible; no need for a 50% tax rebate (basically a loan) to invest in property.<ref>Yaxley, Louise, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-25/negative-gearing-government-says-parents-will-suffer-under-labor/7354438 "Negative gearing: Labor will 'punish mum and dad investors' with changes, Government says"], ABC (Updated 4/24/16 at 5:45pm).</ref> If you can't afford to pay for five properties without negative gearing, then. You know. Maybe you shouldn't own five properties.

The Liberals seem to be arguing that no one who gambles on a house should ever lose money. It's now the government's business to [[Plutocracy|protect real-estate speculators]] from all risk. There have been lots of state-backed incentives to inflate the bubble a bit further: tax-free superannuation, grants, interest-free loans.<ref>Phillips, Keri, [http://www.abc.net.au/radionational/programs/rearvision/how-australia%27s-tax-system-favours-the-wealthy/7173908 "How our tax system favours the wealthy"], ABC (2/16/16 at 4:32PM). Won't somebody PLEASE think of the speculators?!</ref> They continually tells us that foreign investors aren't having a distortionary effect on the market,<ref name="chung" /> but the minute it looks like the investors might leave, they suddenly need to change the law. The horrible alternative is that local families could step in and buy them at a reasonable and equitable rate. But the Government sees the folly of this, and has made sure it won't be a problem.<ref>Birtles, Bill, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-11-28/chinese-property-investors-worried-after-big-banks-change-rules/8062530 "Chinese property investors may be forced to sell as bank finance dries up"], ABC (11/27/16 at 4:32pm).</ref> 

Real estate is the biggest scam this government ever pulled. Taxes are being used to prop up other peoples' speculative investments at the expense of taxable income,<ref>Martin, Peter, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/negative-gearers-arent-poor-mr-morrison-20160215-gmulf6.html#ixzz40H2yNL1U "Negative gearers aren't poor, Mr Morrison"], ''The Age'' 2.16.16.</ref> affordable housing, and share ownership. (Investing in the housing market means fewer people investing in business, so growth plummets.)<ref>Pash, Chris, [http://www.businessinsider.com.au/chart-australias-love-of-share-ownership-is-declining-2015-7 "CHART: Australia's love of share ownership is declining"], ''Business Insider'' (7/7/15 at 1:15 PM ).</ref> And who owns the most houses? The rich.<ref>Martin, Peter, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/turnbull-walks-away-from-tax-reform-only-caps-on-super-negative-gearing-left-20160224-gn2i13.html "Turnbull walks away from tax reform: only caps on super, negative gearing left"], SMH 2.25.16.</ref>

=== How can we sleep while our boats are burning? ===

{{main|Arbitrary detention}}

{{cquote|The tragic events of the [[9/11|11th of September]] have changed our lives, they have caused us to take pause and think about the values we hold in common with the American people [...]  we have a proud record of welcoming people from 140 different nations. But we will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which they come.|||PM John Howard, 2001 Federal Election Campaign Launch Speech}}

[[File:Manus Island regional processing facility 2012.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Manus Island regional processing facility, Papua New Guinea (2012).]]

John Howard took thousands of the world's unwanted people (war refugees) and stuck them in {{wpl|PNG solution|crowded, confined detention centres}} with no timeline for being released. The military was effectively forced to become a coast guard and, in some cases, were told not to rescue leaky vessels {{wpl|Children Overboard affair|until they sunk}} (which skirted navy protocol).<ref name="boats">Rundle, Guy, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2015/10/28/greatly-exaggerated-peter-reiths-account-of-children-overboard/ "'Greatly exaggerated': Peter Reith's account of 'children overboard'"], Crikey 10.28.15.</ref> Part of the reason why they detained people in Papua New Guinea and Nauru is that Australian law does not apply, much like [[Guantanamo Bay]]. They've had minimal mental health support, and are targeted for abuse by guards. 

The risk could be mitigated if immigration would put proper support structures in place, but put simply, you can't trust them to do anything more than find another island and dump 800 more refugees in a tent city before washing their hands of whatever happens afterwards.<ref>Ben Doherty and Helen Davidson, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/apr/28/manus-refugees-likely-to-be-relocated-to-christmas-island-and-nauru "Manus refugees likely to be relocated to Christmas Island and Nauru"], ''The Guardian'' (Last modified 10/2616 at 6:40pm EDT).</ref> According to the government, the prospect of indefinite years in detention—coupled with the uncertainty of not knowing which country you'll be dumped in—is enough of a deterrent, particularly if the lifetime ban is passed.<ref>Innis, Michael, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/01/world/australia/refugee-asylum-seeker-lifetime-ban.html "Australia’s Proposed Lifetime Ban on Boat-Borne Refugees Draws Fire"], [[NYT]] 10.31.16.</ref>  Apparently there's a risk that they might become "[[Welfare queen|economic migrants]]" and milk the social services,<ref>Sara Davies and Melissa Phillips, [https://theconversation.com/factcheck-are-asylum-seekers-really-economic-migrants-15601 "FactCheck: are asylum seekers really economic migrants?"], The Conversation (7/1/13 at 10:50pm EDT).</ref> 
way worse little emperors who take advantage of exchange rates
.<ref>Law, James, [http://www.news.com.au/finance/real-estate/buying/chinese-property-investment-through-the-roof-what-it-really-means/news-story/ba6df0a7bcdcae773677d72a4545a41d "Chinese property investment through the roof: What it really means"], news.au (5/9/15 at 6:19pm).</ref><ref>Bloomberg w/ assistance from Sree Vidya Bhaktavatsalam and Dingmin Zhang, [http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2016-11-14/world-s-biggest-real-estate-binge-is-coming-to-a-city-near-you "World’s Biggest Real Estate Frenzy Is Coming to a City Near You"], Bloomberg (Updated 11/15/16 at 12:10 AM PST).</ref>

Howard let the genie out of the bottle, and now it seems the issue will never go away.  Every time Labour "puts the issue to bed" by endorsing the latest bit of LNP foulness,<ref>Matthew Doran and Uma Patel, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-11-12/opposition-criticises-government-us-refugee-settlement-deal/8020086 "Labor calls out Government for blocking Malaysia refugee settlement amid reports of deal with United States"], ABC (Updated 11/13/16 at 6:21am).</ref> the Libs take [[Moving the goalposts|another step to the right]]. There are no depths they won't sink to so they can look "tough" on asylum seekers,<ref>Remeikis, Amy, [http://www.canberratimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/sex-assault-victims-will-have-to-return-to-nauru-manus-for-chance-at-us-resettlement-20161115-gspnel.html "Refugee deal: Sex assault victims must return to Nauru, Manus for chance at US resettlement"], ''Canberra Times'' (11/15/16 at 3:45pm). They never miss a chance to pander to Hanson with gratuitous cruelty toward anyone she doesn't like.</ref> e.g. turning Immigration from a rather bland department into a {{wpl|Australian Border Force|paramilitary organisation}} run by a bunch of morale-sucking sociopaths who could never cut it in a real army, and who answer directly to a government minister and are not accountable to anyone.<ref>Hasham, Nicole, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/10-million-splurge-to-rename-australian-border-force-20150825-gj7rz2.html "$10 million splurge to rename Australian Border Force"], SMH 8.25.15. "I'll have a black uniform with lots of gold braid, thanks. Oh, anna truncheon. Anna tazer. Anna..."</ref><ref>Sarah Whyte and Dylan Welch, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-10-20/border-force-officers-planned-to-check-visas-at-taxi-stands/6870250 "Operation Fortitude: Border Force officers planned to target taxi stands and conduct visa checks 'bi-monthly'"], ABC (Updated 1/21/16 at 3:26pm).</ref><ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-30/peter-duttons-office-received-border-force-press-release/6735584 "Australian Border Force: Peter Dutton says his office received copy of press release, but no-one read it"], ABC (Updated 8/30/15 at 7:06am).</ref>  

According to the Minister for Immigration, Peter Dutton, Labor's immigration policy was to blame for the Sydney stabbings.<ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/feb/12/peter-dutton-links-sydney-terrorism-suspect-labor-migration-policy?CMP=soc_567 "Peter Dutton links Sydney terrorism suspect to Labor's migration policies"], Associated Press via ''Guardian'' (Last modified on 10/26/16 at 7:30 pm EDT).</ref> Now the spud is going even further back in time to find fault: Malcolm Fraser (LNP '75-'83) is to blame as well.<ref name="fraser">McIllroy, Tom, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/john-hewson-slams-peter-dutton-over-attacks-on-malcolm-frasers-refugee-legacy-20161118-gsse7d.html "John Hewson slams Peter Dutton over attacks on Malcolm Fraser's refugee legacy"], SMH (11/18/16 at 8:53PM). Ahh, Dutton. Blaming the dead for his uselessness.</ref> Dutton is referring to the descendants of Vietnamese and Lebanese refugees who were used to branch-stack Liberal seats for the last 30 years.<ref>Grattan, Michelle, [http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/branch-stacking-rorting-rife-among-nsw-libs/2006/07/17/1152988472833.html "Branch stacking, rorting 'rife' among NSW Libs"], ''The Age'' 7.18.06.</ref> Fraser supported their integration because they were anti-Communist and safety Liberal. For reference, the {{wpl|Hieu Van Le|Governor of South Australia}} is a Vietnamese refugee. How much more can somebody assimilate?<ref group="note">Don't even get him started on Bob Menzies, father of the Liberal party, who helped create the Refugee Convention in the first place. ''shakes fist''</ref>

Abbott seems to have learned from Howard the art of making carefully-[[Triangulation|calibrated]] statements<ref>Quiggin, John, [https://theconversation.com/hidden-in-plain-sight-commission-cuts-and-non-core-promises-17871 "Hidden in plain sight: commission cuts and non-core promises"], The Conversation (9/4/13 at 8:15pm EDT).</ref> and stoking "mortgage belt" [[Wedge issue|prejudices]].<ref>Brooks, Benedict, [http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/gay-marriage/former-prime-minister-john-howard-says-politicians-in-fear-of-marriage-equality/news-story/d000c28a0d79c6e443353ef1ee73283b "Former Prime Minister John Howard says politicians “in fear” of marriage equality"], news.au (3/2/16 at 2:31pm).</ref> You might not agree with everything Labor has done, but the fact the '13 election boiled down to "Boat People" showed they really hadn't done anything catastrophically wrong that Abbott could pounce on.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/content/2012/s3573785.htm "Abbot Blames Carbon Tax for 'Uncertainty'"], ABC 8.22.12.</ref> But if you read the newspapers, they would have you believe the country was 5 minutes away from sinking into the ocean. Abbott's policy planks were deeply unimportant when considered objectively, but they were good emotional strings to pull:

{{quotebox|We saw yesterday on our screens a very sad, poignant image of [[Think of the children|children tragically dead at sea]] in illegal migration. Thankfully, we have stopped that in Australia because we have stopped the illegal boats.<ref name="children" />}}

[[One Nation]] haven't done anything except badmouth refugees for years. Now Parliament finds itself in the bizarre position where One Nation has the same polices as LNP,<ref>Michael Koziol and Fergus Hunter, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/opinion-divided-as-government-seeks-lifetime-ban-on-asylum-seekers-entering-australia-20161030-gsdxsb.html "Opinion divided as government seeks lifetime ban on asylum seekers entering Australia"], 'The Age'' 10.30.16.</ref> but a more egalitarian economic voice than Labor.

=== "Labor Waste" ===

{{cquote|The real shame of this debate about aviation jobs is that the Prime Minister and his team have created only one export industry in Australia since getting elected—and that is the export of Australian jobs overseas.|||[[Bill Shorten]], 3.4.14 House debates<ref>[http://www.openaustralia.org.au/debates/?id=2014-03-04.84.2&s=speaker%3A10580#g85.1 House Debates, Matters of Public Importance - Aviation Industry], 3.4.14. Courtesy of OpenAustralia.org.</ref>}}

This enthusiasm in Anglo countries for [[austerity]] has taken hold in Australia—although it has been unsuccessful in some of its initiatives, such as the abolition of the [[Universal health care|publicly-funded Medicare system]], or the so-called "WorkChoices" legislation which was an electoral disaster. But over the last 30 years, the wealth gap has exploded, giving the Liberals and their friends the means to divorce themselves from services that the rest of Australia relies on.<ref>Morton, Adam, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/how-the-turnbull-government-ignored-business-advice-and-cut-the-dole-20160506-goo0s9.html "Budget 2016: How the Turnbull government ignored business advice and cut the dole"], ''The Age'' 5.7.16.</ref>

Here's the M.O. of politics in this country: Labor takes on debt and raises taxes to fund infrastructure for improving economic output and quality of life. You know, basically the ''purpose'' of government. The LNP then sells that infrastructure (at a net loss)<ref>Martin, Peter, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/hey-big-spender-howard-the-king-of-the-loose-purse-strings-20130110-2cj32.html "Hey Big Spender: IMF Says Howard Most Wasteful"], SMH 1.11.13.</ref><ref name="costello">Cleary, Paul, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/nation/reserve-banks-gold-sale-cost-us-5bn/story-e6frg6nf-1225985231872?nk=ed101f2c23d07b5d20e50a519437872f-1476166598 "Reserve Bank's gold sale cost us $5bn"], ''Australian'' (1/11/11 at 12:00AM).</ref><ref>[http://www.smh.com.au/business/newman-to-sell-15bn-in-qr-national-shares-20121007-2782o.html "Newman to sell $1.5bn in QR National Shares"], SMH 10.8.12.</ref><ref>[http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/industrial-relations/toyota-says-it-never-blamed-the-unions-for-plant-closure/story-fn59noo3-1226824530344 "Toyota says it never blamed the unions for plant closure"], ''Australian'' (2/12/14 at 3:24PM). The car industry had to go down, too, because "fuck the unions."</ref><ref>Bachman, Justin, [http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2014-02-27/after-94-years-as-australias-airline-will-qantas-get-a-foreign-owner "After 94 Years as Australia's Airline, Will Qantas Get a Foreign Owner?"], Bloomberg (2/27/14 at 7:56 AM PST).</ref><ref>Adhikari, Supratim, [http://www.businessspectator.com.au/news/2014/4/14/technology/telstras-nbn-payday-could-be-worth-100-billion "Telstra's NBN payday could be worth $100 billion"], Business Spectator (4/14/14, 11:07 AM).</ref><ref>von Duyn, Peter, [http://theconversation.com/open-for-business-selling-off-public-assets-to-fund-infrastructure-21471 "Open for business: selling off public assets to fund infrastructure"], The Conversation (12/18/13 at 10:50pm EST).</ref><ref>Robins, Brian, [http://www.smh.com.au/business/singapore-snaps-up-iconic-snowy-hydro-developer-20160731-gqhv14.html "Singapore snaps up iconic Snowy hydro developer"], SMH 8.1.16.</ref><ref>Urin, David, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/scott-morrison-talks-down-ausgrid-sale-price/news-story/010ce4940b72b7dc41c38fd51631a84b?nk=ed101f2c23d07b5d20e50a519437872f-1476167170 "Scott Morrison talks down Ausgrid sale price"], ''Australian'' (8/23/16 at 12:00AM).</ref> in order to make the bottom line look better. It detracts from the economy, but that's not easily quantifiable, whereas ''$60 billion off the top''<ref>Francis, Hannah, [http://www.smh.com.au/technology/technology-news/malcolms-mess-how-the-coalitions-nbn-came-unstuck-20151203-glermm.html "Malcolm's mess: how the Coalition's NBN plan came unstuck"], SNH 12.11.15</ref> is. That's why LNP governments can brag about surpluses and paying off debt. Labor then either has to rebuild it, repurchase it (at a loss), or rent it out from the people LNP sold it to (for more money than if they had self-funded it).<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-18/alleged-price-gouging-at-work-in-sa-elecricity-market/7763164 "Alleged price gouging in electricity market cost South Australia $42 million, report says"], ABC (8/17/16, 9:24pm).</ref><ref>Roddan, Michael, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/technology/accc-orders-telstra-to-cut-access-prices/news-story/d4110d5c313cadd0cf24595975984263 "ACCC orders Telstra to cut access prices"], ''Australian'' (10/9/15 at 2:08PM).</ref><ref>Aaron Patrick and Nick McKenzie, [http://www.afr.com/business/infrastructure/ports/melbourne-banker-plans-to-sell-port-of-darwin-twice-20160720-gq9sq9 "Melbourne banker plans to sell Port of Darwin, twice"], AFR (Updated 7/21/16 at 2:13 PM).</ref><ref>[http://www.smh.com.au/business/the-economy/sydney-at-risk-of-housing-bubble-says-ubs-20160927-grpyq6.html "Sydney at risk of 'housing bubble', warns UBS"], SMH 9.28.16.</ref> The cycle continues as Labor builds infrastructure and the LNP sells it.

This is exactly the sort of pettiness South Australians experienced when they did not vote LNP in the 2014 state election. All of a sudden, things they were reasonably expecting disappeared. LNP also hinted heavily at a constitutional change in response to the electoral loss.<ref>Bowe, William, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2014/03/17/an-sa-gerrymander-libs-short-of-government-test-the-boundaries/ "An SA gerrymander? Libs, short of government, test the boundaries"], Crikey 3.17.14.</ref> When a major bushfire came within a couple of kilometres of their neighbourhoods—on the side of the city which votes Labor—they didn't offer anything in the way of support until locals got very pointed in their criticisms.<ref>Edwards, Verity, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/bushfires-tony-abbott-faces-sa-backlash-over-failure-to-comment/news-story/25e84c97bea5e2382a7d068792532774 "Bushfires: Tony Abbott faces SA backlash over failure to comment"], ''Australian'' (1/7/15 at 12:36PM).</ref> The federal government did the same thing to Queensland.<ref>Tiozek, Eric, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-01-24/no-guarantees-on-projects-if-electorates-snub-lnp-newman/6044122 "Queensland election 2015: Campbell Newman will not guarantee projects if LNP members not elected"], ABC (Updated 1/23/15 at 8:55pm).</ref> They made all the federal infrastructure funding conditional on the fact that the state had to sell off public assets. Then, of course, when Labor won in an election centred around public asset sales, it resulted in all that funding being pulled. And then that mess in Victoria about the East West Link tollway funding.<ref>Gordon, Josh, [http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/tony-abbott-slammed-for-political-timing-of-east-west-link-road-cash-20151214-glmtvl.html "Tony Abbott slammed for political timing of East West Link road cash"], ''The Age'' 12.14.15.</ref> Some are a trifle less tight-lipped about it than others.<ref>Wells, Jamelle, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-04-07/icac-hotels-association-ceo-paul-nicalou-gives-evidence/5372554 "Campbell Newman ICAC claim: AWH 'asked to pay $5k donation' for meeting with then-lord mayor"], ABC (Updated 4/7/14 at 3:22pm).</ref><ref>Koziol, [http://www.canberratimes.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/turnbull-government-ministers-duck-for-cover-after-sophie-mirabella-comments-embarrass-the-coalition-20160422-gocy79.html "Turnbull government ministers duck for cover after Sophie Mirabella comments embarrass the Coalition"], ''Canberra Times''. 4.23.16. ''"Now you will witness the true power...of the dark side!"''</ref><ref>Boruke, Latika, [http://www.smh.com.au/national/education-minister-christopher-pynes-science-job-threat-backfires-with-senator-cory-bernardi-and-crossbenchers-furious-at-tactic-20150315-144jnf "Education Minister Christopher Pyne's science job threat backfires, with Senator Cory Bernardi and crossbenchers furious at tactic"], SMH 3.16.15.</ref>

Don't forget that they're privatising government left, right and centre so they can shore up their post-political careers.<ref>Taylor, Rob, [http://www.wsj.com/articles/australia-eyes-privatization-of-public-health-and-welfare-payments-1454991351 "Australia Eyes Privatization of Public Health and Welfare Payments - Government looks for ways to save money as economy slows and prices of resource exports drop"], WSJ (2/8/16 at 11:15 p.m. ET).</ref> The galling thing is that, even after all this, the baseless [[Big lie|"Liberals are budget managers"]]<ref>Dunlop, Tim, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-12/dunlop-the-myth-of-coalition-economic-management/6308704 "The myth of Coalition economic management"], ABC (Updated 3/12/15 at 3:14pm).</ref> idea will still hold. It's a proven strategy which goes all the way back to Menzies.

==== No Brains Needed ====

{{cquote|Australia will have not only the most expensive broadband in the developed world but also the least utilised as users will not be able to afford to use its potential.|||Dr. Mark Gregory of RMIT University<ref>Gregory, [http://www.innovationaus.com/2016/09/NBN-business-model-falling-apart "NBN business model falling apart"], InnovationAus.com 9.26.16.</ref>}}

Telstra, the incumbent monopoly which owns every phone line, is a black hole. It is collapsing into a superdense object, sucking in more idiots to work for them and growing bigger. Wherever competition springs up to disrupt Telstra's business model, Telstra stomps on it, and the regulator in charge of putting Telstra on a leash is powerless to do so.<ref>McCrann, Terry, [http://www.heraldsun.com.au/business/terry-mccrann/accc-gets-its-wires-crossed-over-telstras-involvement-with-the-nbn-rollout/news-story/a66243348687b7dfe09e289f81cc148d?nk=ed101f2c23d07b5d20e50a519437872f-1476595722 "ACCC gets its wires crossed over Telstra’s involvement with the NBN rollout"], ''Herald-Sun'' (4/12/16 at 10:00pm).</ref>

The company went public in the nineties, but 17% of Telstra was still owned by the Future Fund, a $100b quango to feather the beds of politicians. Their pensions are being poured into listed equities (such as fossil fuels),<ref>Bygrave, Stephen, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/apr/01/australias-future-fund-should-not-consider-financing-the-energy-projects-of-the-past "Australia's 'future' fund should not consider financing the energy projects of the past"], ''Guardian'' (4/1/16 at 2:39 AM EDT).</ref>  "tangible assets" (like real estate),<ref>Tingle, Laura, [http://www.afr.com/news/future-fund-proposed-to-boost-social-housing-20161017-gs49se "Future Fund proposed to boost social housing"], AFR (Updated 10/17/16 at 11:45 PM).</ref> and so on.  Those who stood to benefit from Telstra's increased profitability were the same people who legislated on its behalf.<ref>[http://www.theage.com.au/news/business/we-dont-want-to-run-telstra-future-fund/2006/08/31/1156817004869.html "We don't want to run Telstra: Future Fund"], ''The Age'' 8.31.06.</ref>

Kevin Rudd and his Labor Party were elected on promises of breaking up the monopoly and creating a new government entity: the {{wpl|National Broadband Network}} (NBN Co.), which would install a brand new, ubiquitous gigabit cable around the country.  The NBN posed an existential threat to Murdoch's cable provider, and it did no favours for his newspapers, either. So it got a lot of [[Fear, uncertainty, and doubt|negative coverage]].<ref>Sheenan, Paul, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2013/murdochs-vicious-attacks-on-rudd-its-business-20130803-2r65x.html "Murdoch's vicious attacks on Rudd: it's business"], SMH 8.4.13.</ref><ref>LeMay, Renai, [https://delimiter.com.au/2013/02/14/this-is-what-the-nbn-debate-has-come-to/ "This is what the NBN debate has come to"], Delimiter 2.14/13.</ref>

The old government got back in and drastically changed the NBN's direction: to a mere 'upgrade' of the old copper network owned by Telstra.<ref>Taylor, Josh, [http://www.crikey.com.au/2015/10/21/nbn-not-replacing-old-telstra-copper-with-new-copper-buys-14m-of-new-copper/ "NBN ‘not replacing old Telstra copper with new copper’, buys $14m of new copper"], Crikey (10/21/15 1:06PM).</ref><ref>Yoo, Tony, [http://www.businessinsider.com.au/nbn-co-just-walked-away-from-its-800-million-optus-cable-buy-2016-9 "NBN Co. just dumped its $800 million Optus cable plan"], ''Business Insider'' (9/29/16 at 11:43).</ref> With his line about a 
series of tubes
 [[Technobabble|"multi-technology mix"]],<ref>LeMay, Renai, [http://delimiter.com.au/2014/02/20/turnbull-insists-coalitions-nbn-still-national/ "Turnbull insists Coalition’s NBN still “national”"], Delimiter 2.20.14. '''Turnbull''': "...the Labor Party, I’m afraid, either don’t understand the technologies at all or how the Internet works, or, more probably, they do understand how it works, and they’re just trying to fool people." Ah, the Rove strategy. Always a sign that your position is just.</ref> Turnbull (the man who thinks wireless technology will provide 100 mbps to households)<ref>LeMay, Renai, [http://www.arnnet.com.au/article/356195/australia_doesn_t_want_100mbps_internet_says_turnbull/ "Australia doesn’t want 100Mbps Internet, says Turnbull"], ARNet (8/7/10 at 7:59pm).</ref> declared war on anyone who knows anything about networking:  NBN Co. laid the bare minimum amount of fibre optic cables. Even back in 2003, Telstra described DSL as the "last sweat" of revenue they could wring out their 50-year-old copper network.<ref>Marriner, Cosima, [http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2003/11/14/1068674351979.html "Telstra will axe copper network"], ''The Age'' 11.14.03.</ref> To even reach 25mbps, a bunch of households had to get new copper installed.  

NBC Co. is slowly turning into Telstra, with more former Telstra execs joining after the election. It's the same as Microsoft buying the Android patents at fire-sale prices. (CSIRO owns the wifi patents. Give it a few years and Telstra will.)<ref>Barwick, Hamish, [http://www.computerworld.com.au/article/581340/former-telstra-ceo-david-thodey-chair-csiro/ "Former Telstra CEO David Thodey to chair CSIRO"], Computer World (8/6/15 at 12:31pm).</ref> There is too much theft and obfuscation surrounding the project to go into any detail.<ref>Adhikari, Supratim, [http://www.businessspectator.com.au/news/2014/4/14/technology/telstras-nbn-payday-could-be-worth-100-billion "Telstra's NBN payday could be worth $100 billion"], Business Spectator (4/14/14, 11:07 AM).</ref><ref>LeMay, Renai, [https://delimiter.com.au/2016/06/17/breathtaking-arrogance-labor-slams-turnbulls-support-ziggy-breach "'Breathtaking arrogance': Labor slams Turnbull’s support for Ziggy breach"], Delimiter 6.17.16. Democracy is unsuited to late-stage capitalism.</ref><ref>Battersy, Lucy, [http://www.smh.com.au/business/nbn-chief-executive-earns-36-million-as-company-reaches-nearly-5000-employees-20160923-grn735.html "NBN chief executive earns $3.6 million, as company reaches nearly 5000 employees"], SMH 9.25.16.</ref> IT infrastructure is too hard for the average citizen to understand, compared to, say, stealing $5000.<ref name="bronnie">Peta Donald and Anna Henderson, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-15/bronwyn-bishop-spends-5000-dollars-80km-charter-flight/6622134 "Bronwyn Bishop spends $5,000 on 80km charter helicopter flight from Melbourne to Geelong"], ABC (Updated 6/15/15 at 2:43am).</ref> The amount of noise generated by a change is inversely proportional to the complexity of the change.

The Coalition believes that government shouldn’t have a "natural monopoly" on infrastructure, and Turnbull claims that Labor’s policy on the issue forced his hand.<ref>[http://www.malcolmturnbull.com.au/media/transcript-launch-of-the-coalition-broadband-policy Transcript: Launch of the Coalition Broadband Policy], 4.9.13.</ref>  The Liberals killed the NBN on purpose. It wasn't mismanagement, or red tape getting in the way. It was pure malfeasance, a concerted plot to keep it from being delivered.  It's like Kodak inventing the digital camera and shelving it because it would impact film sales. Fitting that Kodak went bust, then. 

== A long list of Liberal Party wingnuts ==

{{cquote|They have been awarded the key "pork barrelling" portfolios, they have been allowed to run issues and speak out, inconsistent with cabinet decisions, even to the extent of being able to cross the floor or abstain in parliamentary votes where they disagree with the cabinet position. Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull just sits back and lets it happen, happy to have to attempt to "rationalise" the irrational.|||John Hewson, Liberal opposition leader 1990-94<ref>Hewson, [http://www.theage.com.au/comment/the-nationals-have-too-much-influence-over-malcolm-turnbulls-government-20161124-gswdzt.html "The Nationals have too much influence over Malcolm Turnbull's government"], ''The Age'' (11/24/16 at 4:53PM).</ref>}}

Being a party which has moved right in recent times,<ref group="note">Once upon a time, Hockey protested against [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/joe-hockey-video-from-1987-shows-treasurer-protesting-against-university-fees-20140528-394jn.html student fees], Abbott agreed a simple carbon tax was a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckcH0Wrmy74 good idea], and Hunt wrote a thesis on why dredging near reefs was a [https://www.scribd.com/document/50162694/A-Tax-to-Make-the-Polluter-Pay bad idea.] Odd world.</ref>  the Liberal Party does have its fair share (and in increasing numbers) of [[wingnut]]s and [[cranks|crackpots]]. Below are a number of them who have or have had known associations with the Liberal Party.

* '''Eric "Obersturmbannführer(skind)" Abetz''' (Senator for Tasmania, 1994-present): His great-uncle and his dad were respectively {{wpl|Otto Abetz|Otto}} and Walter, who both worked for the Nazi regime in Germany. His little fortress down there is well-known. There was talk Abetz handing over his seat, but since his 
Rottenführer
 replacement got defeated, he'll still hang around pulling strings.<ref>Taylor, Josh, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2016/07/06/eric-abetz-threatens-charity-status-of-getup/ "Eric Abetz threatens 'charity status' of GetUp"], Crikey 6.6.16. How dare a grassroots activist group have influence over votes. Only Murdoch is allowed to do that!</ref> Described an environmentalist campaign as [[Watermelon|"akin]] [[Holocaust|to treason"]].<ref>Ferguson, Peter, "Anti-environmentalism and the Australian culture war", Journal of Australian Studies vol. 33, issue #3 (Sept. 2009), pg 289–304.</ref>
* '''[[Tony Abbott]]''' (MP for Warringah, 1994-2019. Prime Minister, 2013-2015): Lizard person. Walks purposely toward cameras with his arms out to make himself look bigger. Under his watch, a lot of grave listening and nodding went on. On record as saying that climate change is "complete crap". (It has a higher acceptance among scientists than evolution. Which he also doesn't believe in.) Rupert Murdoch and Brian Loughnane did a good job of house-training him; Tony would have lost if the voters had known he's the same, sexist caveman he's always been.<ref name="credlin">Maiden, Samantha, [http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/with-tony-on-my-side/story-e6frf7jo-1226548140341 "With Tony Abbott on my side"], ''Herald Sun'' (1/6/13 at 12:00am). Remember Peta's IVF propaganda campaign to [[Tokenism|whitewash]] Abbott's "women problem" leading up to the election? It certainly worked.</ref> However, the spin machine couldn't stop there: they not only had to [[George W. Bush|control Abbott, but balkanise the PMO and turn it into an echo chamber, to make sure the whole party was under control]].<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/tony-abbott-is-flat-out-running-the-country-says-joe-hockey/story-fncynjr2-1226754764972 "Tony Abbott is 'flat out' running the country, says Joe Hockey"], Associated Press via news.au (11/07/13 at 10:01AM).</ref> Lost his seat to the Independent Zali Steggall in 2019.<ref>Jacqueline Maley and Fergus Hunter. [https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/abbott-likely-to-lose-warringah-as-early-counting-shows-huge-primary-vote-for-steggall-20190518-p51oq4.html Abbott loses Warringah after huge primary vote for Steggall]. Sydney Morning Herald, 18 may 2019.</ref>
* '''Kevin Andrews''' (MP for Menzies, 1991-present. '''Father of the Australian House of Representatives''', 2016-present): Named "Natural Family Man of the Year" by World Congress of Families. They are terrorists, even a glancing look at their work in Uganda will confirm that.<ref>Hazel, Andy, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2015/10/28/natural-family-man-of-the-year-kevin-andrews-pulls-out-just-before-group-climax/ "Natural Family Man of the Year Kevin Andrews pulls out just before group climax"], Climax 10.28.15.</ref> Lost preselection for his seat in the 2021-22 federal election.<ref> Richard Willingham, Leanne Wong and Max Walden. [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-01-31/victorian-liberal-mp-kevin-andrews-loses-preselection-for-seat/13107342 Victorian Liberal MP Kevin Andrews loses preselection for seat of Menzies]. ABC News, 31 January 2021.</ref>
* '''Chris Back'''  (Senator for West Australia, 2009-2017): "As a person with a scientific background, I am always interested in hearing the views of a range of people [[Sealioning|across the spectrum]]..." That's the scientific spirit if ever we heard it.<ref>Sturmer, Jake, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-07/scientists-warn-climate-sceptic-mps-not-to-waste-time-on-inquiry/6599754 "Climate change: Scientists warn sceptic MPs Dennis Jensen, Chris Back against inquiry into evidence of human influence"], ABC (Updated 7/6/15 at 5:07pm).</ref>
* '''Cory Bernardi''' (Senator for South Australia, 2006-2020): He is exactly the type of person [[Jacqui Lambie|Lambie]] described him as a discount Patrick Bateman who hides behind [[Silent Majority|moralistic waffle]]. By appearing at a Bernardi fundraiser, the PM effectively endorsed Bernardi's viewpoints and agenda.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-09-19/controversy-over-cory-bernardi-bestiality-comments/4269604 Bernardi resigns after bestiality comment,]</ref><ref>Boruke, Latika, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/election-2016-malcolm-turnbull-captured-headlining-fundraiser-at-cory-bernardis-conservative-foundation-20160602-gpaekk.html ""Election 2016: Malcolm Turnbull captured headlining fundraiser at Cory Bernardi's conservative foundation"], SMH 6.3.16.</ref> Just like Christ would have done, eh Bernardi? In the fable where Jesus overturned donation caps in the temple,<ref>[https://theyvoteforyou.org.au/people/senate/sa/cory_bernardi/policies/85 "Cory Bernardi voted strongly against restricting donations to political parties"], They Vote For You.</ref> then gave a sermon on why an inquiry into the finance sector would be a war on jobs and growth,<ref>[https://theyvoteforyou.org.au/people/senate/sa/cory_bernardi/policies/95 "Cory Bernardi voted moderately against a Royal Commission into banking"], They Vote For You.</ref> followed up with '[[Hypocrisy|we want an inquiry]] into halal food because Muslims are icky'<ref>Hurst, Daniel, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/may/13/senator-cory-bernardi-wins-inquiry-into-halal-and-kosher-certifications "Senator Cory Bernardi wins inquiry into halal and kosher certifications"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/4/16 at 1:50 PM EDT).</ref><ref>Norman, Janes, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-08-30/cory-bernadi-leads-coalition-push-to-change-18c-race-hate-laws/7796356 "Cory Bernardi leads Coalition backbench senators in push to dilute Racial Discrimination Act"] ABC (Updated 8/30/16 at 4:09am).</ref> Bernardi resigned from the Liberals in 2017 and formed the "Australian Conservatives" party, but lost his seat in the 2019 elections.
* '''Simon Birmingham''' (Senator for South Australia, 2007-present. '''Minister for Education and Training''', 2015-2018. '''Minister for Finance''', 2020-present.): A shill for degree farms.<ref>McKinnon, Alex, [http://junkee.com/the-education-minister-trying-to-deregulate-uni-fees-got-his-start-campaigning-against-student-fees/75838 "The Education Minister Trying To Deregulate Uni Fees Got His Start Campaigning Against Uni Fees"] Junkee 7.4.16.</ref> His aim seems to be for the wealthy kids to be protected and have [[Social Darwinism|less competition]] for white-collar jobs. Also a fan for [[Bjørn Lomborg]]: Just what you want in your education minister.<ref>Knott, Matthew, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/bjorn-lomborg-climate-centre-dropped-by-turnbull-government-simon-birmingham-20151021-gkek0s.html "Bjorn Lomborg research centre dropped by Turnbull government: Simon Birmingham"], SMH 10.21.15.</ref>
* '''Bronwyn "BronnieCopter" Bishop''' (MP for Mackellar, 1994-2016. Speaker of the House 2013-2015): Still salty about not becoming PM.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKCHnIozGTE&feature=youtu.be "Rise, minion."]</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ButWXcJTiTI "Ministers are not obliged to answer questions".... during QUESTION TIME.]</ref><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zj2PCfzb6ak Jewish MP Mark Dreyfus ejected during Question Time.]</ref><ref>Tlozek, Eric, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-06-25/speaker-bronwyn-bishop-ejects-400th-mp-from-parliament/6573926 "Speaker Bronwyn Bishop ejects 400th MP from House of Representatives; Labor raises concerns"], ABC (Updated 6/25/15, 3:24am).</ref><ref>Gartrell, Adam, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/taxpayers-to-foot-the-bill-for-bronwyn-bishops-official-portrait-20160323-gnpyyo.html "Taxpayers to foot the bill for Bronwyn Bishop's official portrait"] SMH 3.26.16.</ref> Abbott's salary was just over $500k, considerably less than Bronwyn's 2014 expenses alone. If she had issued a stock apology and paid back the money, it would have blown over. Labor only ran with it once it was clear she wasn't going to swallow her pride, and instead provided them with daily ammunition.<ref name="bronnie" /><ref>James Massola and James Robertson, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/bronwyn-bishop-defiant-as-bill-shorten-says-resignation-call-a-test-for-tony-abbott-20150719-gifjpm.html "'It wasn't $90,000, but $88,000' - Bishop defiant as Bill Shorten says resignation a test for Tony Abbott"] SMH 7.19.15. What is she, a used car salesman?</ref> So, she has finally fallen on her [[diamond]]-encrusted sword. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iX1A0UfEcdU Goodbye] Bronnie, you entitled old bat.
* '''Julie Bishop''' (MP for Curtin 1998-2019, '''Deputy Leader of the Liberal Party''' 2007-2018, '''Minister for Foreign Affairs''' 2013-2018): Alas, the Christian Right would rather torpedo the party than let another childless, unmarried divorcee become Prime Minister. (When your party is so toxic that an asbestos company lawyer is the preferred leader. ''#JustLiberalThings'')<ref>Priest, Marcus, [http://www.afr.com/news/politics/national/bishop-defended-csrs-asbestos-corporate-veil-20121127-j1f06 "Bishop defended CSR’s asbestos corporate veil"], AFR (Updated 11/28/12 at 4:16 AM). '''BISHOPBOT.EXE DOES NOT RECOGNISE APOLOGY FUNCTION. PLEASE UPDATE FIRMWARE AND TRY AGAIN.'''</ref> Hey, didn't Bishop hound [[Julia Gillard|Gillard]] about her time as a lawyer with Slater & Gordon?<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-11-01/labor-calls-for-bishop-apology-over-gillard-slush-fund-claims/5859582 "Labor MP Andrew Leigh calls on Julie Bishop to apologise to Julia Gillard for slush fund claims"], ABC (Updated 11/1/14 at 6:15am).</ref>
* '''[[Andrew Bolt]]''': On par with Jesus of Nazareth himself; there's not much sense you can talk him into. Recently added to [[ABC]]'s lineup in the interests of [[Balance fallacy|"balance."]] Not bad for someone who built a career out of saying the ABC is a waste of tax dollars.
* '''Michaelia Cash'''<sup>nice surname, by the way</sup> (Senator for Western Australia, 2008-present. '''Minister for Women''', 2015-2017. '''Minister Assisting the Prime Minister on the Public Service/Minister for Employment''', 2015-2017. '''Minister for Industrial Relations''', 2021-present.): Hair from the 80s meets policy from the 50s!<ref>Keany, Francis, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-05-06/interns-will-receive-compensation-under-youth-employment-package/7391096 "Interns will receive workers cover under Youth Employment Package, Michaelia Cash says"], ABC (Updated 5/5/16 at 11:17pm).</ref><ref>Duffy, Conor, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-04-01/construction-union-accuse-minister-no-regret-building-site-death/7286032 "Construction union accuses minister of having no 'regret or remorse' over building site deaths"], ABC (Updated 4/1/16 at 2:20am).</ref><ref>Colman, Elizabeth, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/industrial-relations/union-militants-warned-im-not-for-turning-says-michaelia-cash/news-story/dc204cf0559d5fda6dbac30550e6e463 "Union militants warned: ‘I’m not for turning’, says Michaelia Cash"], ''Australian'' (10/1/15 at 12:00AM).</ref> Michaelia is a gift which keeps on giving to Labor. Bless her big-haired, batshit little head.<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PvctU6aHU0</ref><ref>Quinn, Liam, [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3644712/Queensland-Senator-Michaelia-Cash-slammed-awkward-comment-ABC-Kitchen-Cabinet-Annabel-Crabb.html "'When I backpacked for three years, I practically had nothing': Senator Michaelia Cash slammed for saying she can 'empathise' with poor people because she went on holiday after university"], ''[[Daily Mail]]'' (Updated 6/16/16 at 9:55 AM EST). So that's where she found her [http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/05/12/article-2626336-1DC6F7BF00000578-812_634x452.jpg hairdo.]</ref>
* '''Peter Costello''' (Treasurer 1996-2007): Totally untested as Treasurer and had no credibility. Under Howard, he sold off Telstra and Australia's gold for $250, then bought US dollars at 50 cents. (Gold has gone up 5x while the dollar has halved.)<ref name="costello" /> He cost Australia 56b a year in tax concessions.<ref>Deniss, Richard,  [http://www.tai.org.au/content/peter-costellos-five-most-profligate-decisions-treasurer-cost-budget-56bn-year "Peter Costello's five most 'profligate' decisions as treasurer cost the budget $56bn a year"], Australian Institute 4.15.5.</ref> Oversaw the loss of $1 billion in a currency swap fuck-up.<ref>Davidson, Kenneth, [http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2002/03/13/1015909867477.html "The policy gamble that didn't pay off"], ''The Age'' 3.14.02.</ref> Gambled away another $3.8b on the foreign exchange.<ref>Davidson, Kenneth, [http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2002/02/24/1014471616908.html "A Treasurer with a $3.8b gambling problem"], ''The Age'' 2.25.02.</ref> He also converted a mining boom into... overpriced real estate.<ref>Michelle Grattan, Tim Colebatch, Misha Schubert, and Nassim Khadem, [http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/howards-tax-splurge/2007/10/15/1192300686377.html "Team Howard in $34bn income tax cut splurge"], ''The Age'' 10.16.07.</ref> Did Abbott do his research before appointing him as Future Fund chairman?<ref>[http://www.reuters.com/article/australia-futurefund-idUSL3N17P137 "Australia's Future Fund shrinks for the first time in four years"], Reuters (4/21/16 at 9:48pm EDT).</ref>
* '''Margaret Court''': Australia has a massive correlation between sporting accomplishment and the soapbox. Margaret is exhibit A as to why it demeans us all. (Shane Warne = exhibit B.) She is using her renown as a tennis champion to spread her poisonous homophobia.<ref>http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/margaret-court-the-guest-speaker-at-liberal-party-fundraiser-in-melbourne-20170604-gwk3hc.html</ref>
* '''Peta Credlin''' (
de facto Prime Minister
 Chief of Staff to Abbott Government 2013-2015): Abbott may regret backing his manager to the point of it contributing to his ousting.<ref>Rupert Murdoch, [https://twitter.com/rupertmurdoch/status/560236375912742912 1.27.15 4:42 PM] Tweet.</ref><ref>Patrick, Aaron, [http://www.afr.com/leadership/peta-credlin-her-role-in-tony-abbotts-downfall-20160127-gmfh8a "Peta Credlin: Her role in Tony Abbott's downfall"], AFR (Updated 1/30/16 at 12:15 AM).</ref> She seems, politically speaking, off her rocker.  The She-Golem intends to bring down 4 Prime Ministers. It is, after all, [[Ratfucking|all she's good for.]]<ref name="credlin" /><ref>Koziol, Michael, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/no-doubt-peta-credlin-defiant-tony-abbott-would-have-done-better-than-malcolm-turnbull-20160913-grfr5q.html "'No doubt': Peta Credlin defiant Tony Abbott would have done better than Malcolm Turnbull"], SMH 9.14.16. ''I love the way he talks, he walks / His smile, his style / Like now, like wow / Abbott, no doubt!''</ref>
* '''
Peter Griffin
 George Christensen''' (MP for Dawson, 2010-present): A 38-y.o. walking heart attack, this Muslim-hating,<ref>Hendersen, Anna, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-16/christensen-to-speak-at-mackay-reclaim-australia-rally/6625188 "Reclaim Australia: Labor attacks Coalition MP George Christensen for speaking at anti-Islam rally in Mackay"], ABC (Updated 6/16/15 at 12:48am).</ref> poor-shaming,<ref>Cox, Lisa, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/liberal-mp-george-christensen-tells-budget-complainers-to-live-like-impoverished-asians-for-perspective-20140522-38qxh.html "Liberal MP George Christensen tells budget complainers to live like impoverished Asians for perspective"], SMH 5.22.14.</ref> gay-bashing,<ref>Gartrell, Adam, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/malcolm-turnbull-under-pressure-after-george-christensen-likens-safe-schools-program-to-pedophile-grooming-20160225-gn42jk.html "Malcolm Turnbull under pressure after George Christensen likens Safe Schools program to paedophile grooming"], SMH 2.26.16.</ref> bribe-taking,<ref>Atfield, Cameron,[http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/federal-election-dawson-mp-george-christensen-still-awaiting-afp-decision-20160708-gq1qda.html "Federal election: Dawson MP George Christensen still awaiting AFP decision"], SMH 6.8.16.</ref> Trump-fellating,<ref>[https://twitter.com/GChristensenMP/status/796100697796186113 11.8.16 Tweet], 1:22 PM.</ref> terror-sympathizing,<ref>McKensie-Murray, Martin, [https://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/news/law-crime/2016/08/13/how-reclaim-australia-hid-terrorist/14710104003610 "How Reclaim Australia hid a ‘terrorist’"], ''Saturday Paper 8.13.16.</ref> world-beating<ref>Readfearn, Graham, [http://www.desmogblog.com/2014/06/12/australian-mp-heading-las-vegas-heartland-institute-climate-denial-conferenceAustralian "MP George Christensen Heading To Las Vegas For Heartland Institute Climate Denial Conference"], Desmog (6/12/14 at 7:50 am).</ref><ref>Belot, Henry, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-16/george-christensen-apologises-for-duterte-comments-in-statement/8126280 "Outspoken MP George Christensen praises Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte's war on drugs"], ABC (Updated 12/16/16 at 11:27pm).</ref> MP is actually kind of creepy, even by Coalition standards. He is the Nats' whip, so his job is to enforce party discipline. But instead he "freelances" and rolls the Government every week. (Bolt is 100% correct that no backbencher in history has gotten more concessions than this guy. What reason could he possibly have for saying he and the other right-wing trolls aren't getting a fair hearing?)<ref name="broadbent">Murphy, Katherine, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/nov/08/politically-correct-hand-wringer-christensen-hits-back-at-coalition-colleague?CMP=soc_568 "'Politically correct hand-wringer': Christensen hits back at Coalition colleague"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified on 11/7/16 at 7:28pm EST). Join ON already, you fucking twat.</ref><ref name="george" /> Big George's support for Adani Coal is why he hasn't seen a bigger vote swing: People seem to actually think it will be built, and will bring back jobs.<ref>Campbell, Rod, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/business/business-spectator/fact-check-will-adanis-coal-mine-really-boost-employment-by-10000-jobs/news-story/903c1932738b1d1a1763c74e45f4d7c7 "Fact check: Will Adani’s coal mine really boost employment by 10,000 jobs?"], ABR (8/31/15 at 9:15PM).</ref>  He looks like he's feeding on human misery and getting fatter. 
* '''Peter [https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Peter_Dutton&diff=prev&oldid=720985865 "Mr Potato Head"] Dutton''' (MP for Dickson, Queensland state, 2001-2025. '''Minister for Immigration and Border Protection''' 2014-2018. '''Minister for Defense''', 2021-2022. '''Leader of the Opposition''', 2022-2025.): Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in your front bench. He's in charge of the ''bona fide'' concentration camps on Manus Island.<ref>Main, Lisa, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-13/former-nauru-guards-speak-out-about-wilson-security/6694014 "Former Nauru guards speak out against Wilson Security over spying on Sarah Hanson-Young, cover-ups and abuse"], ABC (Updated 8/13/15, 4:05pm).</ref> (This bloke just [https://imgur.com/a/L3HuA can't catch a break] with candid photos, can he?) Rusted-on Liberal seat, which gets stronger the further you go from his Strathpine office. Voters have already forgotten he tried to burn and dump the seat for an even safer one.<ref>Keane, Bernard, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2009/09/23/constituents-not-happy-about-dutton-dumping-dickson/ "Constituents not happy about Dutton dumping Dickson"], Crikey 9.23.09.</ref><ref>Richardson, Joshua, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/may/20/who-is-peter-dutton-the-mp-for-the-least-engaged-electorate-in-queensland "'Who is Peter Dutton?' The MP for the least engaged electorate in Queensland"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/14/16 at 8:37 PM EDT).</ref> Finally lost his seat in the 2025 federal election.<ref>Maani Truu,
[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-05-04/peter-dutton-loses-seat-after-24-years-in-politics/105243872 It took just over two hours to call time on Peter Dutton's two decades in federal politics], ''abc.net.au'' (May 4, 2025).</ref>
* '''Teresa "Armpitgate"<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/deodorant-mp-teresa-gambaro-tells-immigrants-to-learn-english/story-e6frfkw9-1226249001765 "Deodorant MP Teresa Gambaro tells immigrants to learn English"], news.au (1/20, 2012 8:13AM).</ref> Gambaro''' (MP for Brisbane 2010-16): Conflicts of interest are for ''little'' people.<ref>Atfield, Cameron, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/brisbane-mp-teresa-gambaro-electorate-office-landlords-lnp-links-revealed-20160112-gm4gwx.html "Brisbane MP Teresa Gambaro electorate office landlords' LNP links revealed "], ''Brisbane Times'' 1.13.16.</ref><ref>Atfield, Cameron, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/gambaro-ignored-electorate-office-advice-foi-documents-show-20160623-gpqi6m.html "Gambaro ignored electorate office advice, FOI documents show"], ''Brisbane Times'' 6.23.16.</ref>
* '''Jane Halton''' (Finance Minister, 2014-2016): The one who tried to bury SIEV-X, a people-smuggling boat, during the Howard government? That Jane Halton?<ref>Hutton, Marg, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-10-17/hutton-sievx-ten-years-on-the-questions-remain/3574870 "SIEV X: 10 years on the questions remain"], ABC (10/16/11 at 6:36pm).</ref> What she did was some ''House of Cards''-level stuff.
* '''[[Pauline Hanson]]''' (MP for Oxley 1996-98, '''Leader of One Nation''' 2014-present.): A skidmark on the fabric of Australian society. Not even the Liberal Party could stand her, as she got "dis-endorsed" for saying 100,000 plus Australians aren't welcome here. Under Howard, the LNP co-opted most of Hanson's policies, rendering her irrelevant. She then buggered off to organise [[One Nation|her own army of bigots]]. Now she's back again, and out for some well-deserved revenge.<ref>Farr, Andrew, [http://www.news.com.au/finance/work/leaders/hanson-and-abbott-catch-up-in-awkward-video/news-story/8be114beeda6c1e4f1bede9993c2bffa "Hanson and Abbott ‘catch up’ in awkward video], news.au (9/1/16 at 9:48am). Here's a video of Abbott selling his arse.</ref> She's going to push the Liberal Party into all-out civil war, and then dance on the ashes. 
* '''"Smokin' Joe"<ref>Badham, [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/may/10/joe-hockey-cigar "Joe Hockey's victory cigar blows his everyman image up in smoke"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/4/16 at 2:33AM EDT).</ref> Hockey''' (MP for North Sydney, 1996-2015. Treasurer, 2013-2015. '''Ambassador to Australia''' 2016-present.): Guess who led the charge against negative gearing being abolished?<ref name="ng" /><ref>van Onlesen, [http://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2015/04/joe-hockey-flat-lies-negative-gearing/ "Joe Hockey flat out lies on negative gearing"], Macro Business (4/14/15 at 8:16).</ref> Once claimed that "poor people don't drive cars" and that "people will live to 150" as justification for cuts.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-08-15/joe-hockey-poor-people-cars-claim-misleading/5671168 "Fact check: Joe Hockey's 'poor people' don't have cars, don't drive far claim misleading"], ABC (Updated 10/27/14 at 7:41pm).</ref><ref>Judith Ireland, Mark Kenny, and Matthew Knott, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/joe-hockeys-comments-on-living-to-150-a-sarah-palin-moment-says-bill-shorten-20150119-12tbvn.html "Joe Hockey's comments on living to 150 a Sarah Palin moment, says Bill Shorten"], SMH 1.20.15.</ref> Hung his Liberal colleague out to dry when General Motors was pondering closure; while MacFarlane was trying his best to negotiate with them, Hockey and his ilk were shooting their mouths off and taunting them into closing their plants.<ref>Coorey, Phillip, [http://www.afr.com/business/transport/automobile/gm-snub-to-federal-industry-minister-20131115-iyus3 "GM snub to federal industry minister"], AFR (Updated Nov 16, 2013, at 5:57 AM ).</ref> ''Update'':  It's a good thing Brandis is dragging Hockey down with him as they both go over the cliff.  See, this is why failed political appointees are not ambassador material.<ref name="bell">Melot, henry, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-11-28/george-brandis-defends-his-involvement-in-high-court-case/8064104 "Attorney-General George Brandis denies secret deal in WA Government's High Court case"], ABC 11.27.16.</ref>
* '''Greg Hunt''' (MP for Flinders, 2001-present. '''Minister for 
Un
health''', 2017-present): He allowed in a mining operator which is notorious for dodging tax<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-17/tax-transparency-report/7036708 "Zero tax: Data reveals how much tax major Australian corporations pay"], ABC.</ref> environmental non-compliance,<ref>Madison, Melissa,  [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-18/mcg-challenges-adani-coal-mine-in-galilee-basin-queensland/6328514 "Minister ignored Adani's environmental record in India before approving Queensland coal mine, group says"], ABC (Updated 3/17/15, 8:45pm.</ref> and hiring foreign workers (despite promising otherwise).<ref>Duffy, Andrew, [https://www.australianmining.com.au/news/miner-facing-investigation-into-foreign-workers/ "Miner facing investigation into foreign workers"], Australian Mining 6.20.12.</ref> They are being prosecuted for negligence and fraud in many countries,<ref>Willacy, Mark, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-10/adani-boss-failed-to-disclose-link-to-african-pollution-disaster/7012554 "Adani boss Jeyakumar Janakaraj failed to disclose link to African pollution disaster before Carmichael coal mine was approved"], ABC (Updated 12/9/15 at 9:17pm).</ref> including their home base, [[India]].<ref>Robertson, Joshua, [https://www.theguardian.com/business/2016/mar/02/adani-subsidiary-accused-by-own-lawyer-of-fraudulent-and-illegal-acts "Adani subsidiary accused by own lawyer of 'fraudulent and illegal acts'"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/4/16 at 12:48 AM EDT).</ref>  You wouldn't trust them to dig up a veggie path.
* '''Craig Kelly''' (MP for Hughes, 2010-Present): No set would be complete without John Ashcroft!<ref>Knott, Matthew, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/call-me-a-philistine-parliament-house-artwork-containing-nudity-upsets-liberal-mp-craig-kelly-20151013-gk8ire.html "'Call me a philistine': Parliament House artwork containing nudity upsets Liberal MP Craig Kelly"], ''The Age'' 10.14.15.</ref> Climate change denier, known for his [[Carbon tax (Australia)|carbon tax]] rants on [[social media]]. Despite his promotion of [[free speech]], his Facebook page [[Hypocrisy|regularly deletes and blocks]] constituents who disagree with him.<ref>{{cite news |last1=Davies |first1=Anne |title=Craig Kelly decries censorship but blocks dissenting voices from his Facebook page, constituents say |url=https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/jan/14/craig-kelly-decries-censorship-but-blocks-dissenting-voices-from-his-facebook-page-constituents-say |access-date=13 January 2021 |work=Guardian Australia |date=13 January 2021 |language=en}}</ref> In response, a constituent set up a [https://hughesfacts.com/ website] that fact checks his claims. Kelly is also an apologist for {{wpl|Ilham Aliyev}}}, the authoritarian leader of [[Azerbaijan]].<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FsJi2A5JxgU Craig Kelly Hates Australia] Friendly Jordies, Jan 29, 2021</ref> He resigned from the Liberals in 2021 to become an Independent. He then jumped ship to the United <strike>Palmer</strike> Australia Party and then rocketed into its leadership.<ref> https://www.unitedaustraliaparty.org.au/craig-kelly-appointed-leader-of-the-united-australia-party/</ref> He now spends his days spaming anti-vax SMS texts to irate Australians.<ref>https://www.abc.net.au/triplej/programs/hack/craig-kelly-tga-adverse-reactions-covid-vaccine-text/13532320</ref><ref> https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/sep/08/clive-palmer-and-craig-kelly-using-spam-text-messages-to-capture-rightwing-vote-ahead-of-election-expert-says</ref>
* '''Alan Jones''': A feedback loop has begun. The CO2 level will increase exponentially, eliminating all life on earth. But we have this radio "priest" preaching to the masses that it's just "a lie". Consider also that Jones has made remarks about killing the Prime Minister, and helped incite {{wpl|2005_Cronulla_riots|this}} riot of rednecks.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2012-10-02/tribunal-rules-alan-jones-incited-hatred/4292052 "Tribunal rules Alan Jones incited hatred"], ABC (Updated 10/2/12 at 1:16pm).</ref> His advertisers began withdrawing their money, and he responded by calling them "cyber-terrorists," even comparing them to Nazis.<ref>Knot, Matthew, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2012/10/08/alan-jones-without-ads-has-time-to-pick-on-the-cyber-terrorists/ "Alan Jones, without ads, has time to pick on the 'cyber-terrorists'"], Crikey 10.8.12.</ref> He posts factually incorrect, racist, anti-gay (weird because [[Haggard's Law|he himself is one]]),<ref>Masters, Chris, [http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/the-demons-that-drive-alan-jones/2006/10/20/1160851142104.html?page=fullpage "The demons that drive Alan Jones"], SMH 10.20.06.</ref> anti-windmill rants in [[Law_of_exclamation#Law_of_Exclamation|ALL CAPS]] so you know he means business. (Equal distribution of capital is obviously communist.)
* '''Andrew "Welfare on Tap"<ref>Calligeros, Marissa, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/mps-inflammatory-tweet-slammed-20130114-2cqc7.html "MP's 'inflammatory' tweet slammed"], ''Brisbane Times'' 1.15.13.</ref> Laming, M.D.''' (MP for Bowman, 2004-present): <big>'''YOU 
[[Barack Obama|LIE!]]
 ARE CORRUPT!'''</big><ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-IkLpqNU2I "MP Andrew Laming Calls PM Julia Gillard 'Corrupt'"]</ref> Not often that you see Bronnie eject a fellow Liberal. (Turns out all they have to do is be in a process of self-immolation.)<ref>Griffiths, Emma, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-25/andrew-laming-ejected-from-parliament-for-bringing-fuel-in/6347414 "Andrew Laming ejected from Parliament after pouring fuel on himself in chamber"], ABC (Updated 3/25/15 at 5:43am). ''How dare you waste perfectly good fuel! Get out!''</ref>
* '''Sussan Ley''' (MP for Sport, 2014-16. Minister for Health, 2014-17. Minister for the Environment, 2019-22. '''Leader of the Opposition''', 2025-present.): Another resignation! ...to the backbench.<ref>Knott, Matthew, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/this-is-not-the-sussan-ley-i-thought-i-knew-ministers-colleagues-say-her-frontbench-career-is-over-20170111-gtpf3w.html "'This is not the Sussan Ley I thought I knew': Minister's colleagues say her frontbench career is over"], ''Brisbane Times''1.11.17.</ref> Well, MPs can't very well resign, now can they?  That would trigger a by-election where the Libs could lose the 1 seat by which they hold a majority.  Bronwyn is literally the last person Sue needs to go to bat for her.<ref>Hunter, Fergus, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/socialism-on-the-march-to-blame-for-sussan-ley-standing-down-over-expenses-controversy-bronwyn-bishop-20170109-gto8q6.html "Socialism 'on the march' to blame for Sussan Ley standing down over expenses controversy"], SMH 1.9.17.</ref> (Sorry, Bronnie, can't hear you over "Ride of the Valkyries" blaring in the background.) In 2025, she became Liberal leader on account of the fact that, following the coalition's wipeout defeat in the federal election, she was their best remaining option.
* '''Ian MacFarlane''' (MP for Groom, 1998-2016. Minister for Industry and Science, 2013-2015): The son and grandson of scientists. Boy, they must be proud he became a politician.<ref name="macfarlane" /><ref>Stephanie Anderson and Lucy Barbour, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-12-14/ian-macfarlane-blocked-from-moving-to-nationals/7026920 "Ian Macfarlane blocked from moving to Nationals by LNP executive"], ABC (Updated 12/14/15 at 6:18am). Don't get re-hired, still get the perks hey?</ref> Once Abbott was booted, he fled back to the National Party; not sure why they bothered, but the Libs still tried to stop it. The LNP is like Scientology: once you're in, you can never leave.
* '''Sophie Mirabella''' (MP for Victoria, 2001-2013): Slept with her Law professor to get ahead at Uni, after which she continued to hit him up to fund her campaigns and buy a farm in Wangaratta (gifts she didn't register, by the way) and when he became too old, she made herself the executor of his estate and sole beneficiary of his will.<ref>[http://www.smh.com.au/national/mirabella-in-hot-seat-over-qc-lovers-dying-days-20110922-1knct.html "Mirabella in hot seat over QC lover's days"], SMH 9.23.11. ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger...''</ref> (Watch out, Malcolm; maybe Sophie has her eye on you as the next victim.) An expert on submarines:<ref>Wroe, David, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/coalition-appoints-sophie-mirabella-to-board-of-governmentowned-shipbuilding-firm-20131217-2zj2n.html#ixzz2njVnmaaT "Coalition appoints Sophie Mirabella to board of government-owned shipbuilding firm"], SMH 12.1.7.13. They've really sunk to new depths with that appointment.</ref> Highly qualified at sinking like a rock,<ref>Misha Schubert and Dewi Cooke, [http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/outspoken-liberal-mp-defends-apology-boycott/2008/02/14/1202760494786.html "Outspoken Liberal MP defends apology boycott"], ''The Age'' 2/15/08.</ref><ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/things-sophie-mirabella-actually-said/story-fncynjr2-1226718988535 "10 things Sophie Mirabella actually said"], news.au (914/13 at 2:09PM). She's always been a bitchy private schoolgirl.</ref> then re-surfacing unscathed, somewhere totally unexpected.<ref>Vickery, Kara, [http://www.news.com.au/national/politics/former-liberal-frontbencher-sophie-mirabella-lands-new-job-with-gina-rinehart/news-story/a8ff58faecb9edec319e54666d0dcb67 "Former Liberal frontbencher Sophie Mirabella lands new job with Gina Rinehart"], news.au (8/12/16 at 4:12pm)</ref>
* '''[[Scott Morrison]]''' (MP for Cook, 2007-present. '''Treasurer''', 2015-2018 '''Prime Minister''', 2018-2022): He's an ex-Property Council of Australia member (PCA) who still has a property council mindset. Lest we forget, ScoMo is also with [[Hillsong|Hillsong.]] '''[[Prosperity gospel|God wants YOU to be rich]]''' (via property ponzi)!  Australians should shudder at the thought of Morrison taking control during a recession; that bible-thumping maggot will be cutting oxygen tubes to people in hospital just to save a few dollars.<ref>[http://www.macrobusiness.com.au/2016/02/property-council-a-wedge-between-tunbullmorrison/ "Property Council a wedge between Turnbull/Morrison"], Macro Business 2.12.16.</ref><ref>Maher, Sid, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/inquirer/treasurer-scott-morrison-brings-down-his-first-budget-this-week/news-story/f6df62afb5e2bcdccaf799aafedb4799 "Treasurer Scott Morrison brings down his first budget this week"], ''Australian'' (5/2/16 at 12:00AM).</ref><ref>Dziedic, Stephen, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-06-28/election-2016-coalition-releases-election-costings/7550790 "Election 2016: Crackdown on welfare payments cornerstone of Coalition's final budget costings"], ABC (Updated 28 Jun 2016, 3:21pm).</ref>
* '''Campbell "Here We Joh Again"'''<ref>Moore, Tony, [http://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/queensland/joh-bjelkepetersen-made-racist-nr-rant-cabinet-papers-reveal-20150101-12gn1s.html "Joh Bjelke-Petersen made racist 'n****r' rant, Cabinet papers reveal"], ''Brisbane Times'' 1.2.15.</ref> '''Newman''' (MP for Ashgrove, Queensland State, 2012-2015. Premier of Queensland, 2012-2015): Premier 
Putin
<ref>Lewis, David, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-10-21/officers-who-question-qld-police-bikies-crackdown-told-to-quit/5034698 "Officers who question Qld police bikies crackdown told to 'reconsider their future'"], ABC (Updated 10/21/13 at 3:20pm).</ref><ref>Ironside, Robyn, [http://www.news.com.au/national/queensland/premier-campbell-newman-says-people-against-new-laws-on-sex-offenders-are-apologists-for-paedophiles/story-fnii5v6w-1226745236777 "Premier Campbell Newman says people against new laws on sex offenders are 'apologists for paedophiles'"], news.au (10/23/13 at 2:52PM).</ref> Newman sacked tens of thousands of public service workers and blocked a 2% payrise...to fund a $57,000 wage hike for MPs. He later tried to argue that he deserved the same salary as President Obama ($400k).<ref>Robyn Ironside and Sarah Vogler, [http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/newman-government-heads-to-supreme-court-in-bid-to-block-pay-rise-for-public-servants/story-fnihsrf2-1226675622419 "Newman Government heads to Supreme Court in bid to block pay rise for public servants"], ''Courier Mail'' (7/8/13 at 12:16PM).</ref><ref>Howell, Melinda, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-07-02/qld-government-urged-to-change-mps-pay-law/4792900 "Qld Government urged to change MPs pay law"], ABC (Updated 7/1/13 at 7:18pm).</ref><ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-07-09/qld-government-backs-down-on-mp-pay-rise/4809130 "Queensland Government backs down on pay rise for MPs"], ABC (Updated 7/9/13 at 3:50am.)</ref> ''Update'': [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O450H8HPzOs Another one bites the dust.]
* '''Kelly "The New Sophie"<ref>Mark Hawthorne and Tony Wright, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/federal-election-2016-kelly-odwyer-under-fire-as-twitter-gives-green-to-fake-account-20160629-gputu4.html "Federal election 2016: Kelly O'Dwyer under fire as Twitter launches investigation into Liberal Party over fake copyright claims"], SMH 6.30.16. ''How to Lose a Safe Seat for Dummies.''</ref> O'Dwyer''' (MP for Higgins, 2009-2019. Assistant Treasurer, 2015-2016. Minister for Revenue and Financial Services, 2016-2018): And so it begins. The pin-stripe mafia has infiltrated the government, destroying it piecemeal by writing in tax loopholes.<ref>James Massola and Heath Aston, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/fundraiser-for-assistant-treasurer-kelly-odwyer-to-be-sponsored-by-nab-amid-banking-firestorm-20160415-go7c4y.html "Fundraiser for Assistant Treasurer Kelly O'Dwyer to be sponsored by NAB amid banking firestorm"] SMH 4.15.16.</ref> Justified [[Supply-side economics|corporate welfare]] by drooling over a $6000 toaster, in a roomful of low-income workers, no less.<ref>Calligeros, Marissa, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/election-2016-we-found-it-kelly-odwyers-qa-6000-toaster-20160509-goqecm.html "Election 2016: We found it: Kelly O'Dwyer's Q&A $6000 toaster"], SMH 5.10.16. She's a joke no matter how you slice it.</ref> Even Andrew Bolt is sticking the boot in.<ref name="kelly" /><ref>Wright, Tony, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/federal-election-2016/election-2016-kelly-odwyer-now-fighting-to-hold-higgins-on-all-fronts-20160614-gpiojq.html "Election 2016: Kelly O'Dwyer now fighting on all fronts to hold Higgins"], ''The Age'' 6.14.16.</ref>
* '''[[Larry Pickering]]''': A former News Corp employee, and one-time LNP candidate in the eighties. He's a political cartoonist who thinks his musings are the equivalent of scientific journalism. Pickering pretty much nailed his AGW argument [http://pickeringpost.com/story/anthropogenic-warming-/2322 right here]: you "won't read it anywhere else' because it's mostly bullshit. His new show is just a ripoff of ''[[John Oliver|Last Week Tonight]]''. ("Spicks and Specks" was ''Nevermind the Buzzcocks'', only 9 years later and more shit.)
* '''Christian Porter''' (MP for Pearce, 2013-present. '''Minister for Social Services''', 2015-2017. '''Attourney-General of Australia''', 2017-2021. '''Minister for Industry, Science and Technology''', 2021-present):  This clueless cunt is defending a computer system which is driving more Australians toward financial hardship and suicide. Of course, there are no instructions on how to appeal. Are they ''trying'' to start a class war?<ref>Andersen, Stephanie, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-01-03/christian-porter-defends-centrelink-debt-recovery-system/8158286 "Centrelink: Social Services Minister Christian Porter defends debt recovery system"], ABC (Updated 1/2/17 at 8:10pm). Guilty until proven innocent!</ref><ref>Reynolds, Emma, [http://www.news.com.au/finance/money/costs/aussies-panicking-over-centrelink-demands-to-pay-up-to-avoid-debt-collector/news-story/a13ba2f6090aecc7152b5ceb65166315 "Aussies panicking over Centrelink demands to pay up to avoid debt collector"], news.au (1/10/17 at 4:00pm).</ref> In 2021, {{wpl|2021 Australian Parliament rape allegations|historical rape allegations}} came out against him, and he [[Victim blaming|responded by suing the ABC]] for publishing the allegations.<ref>[https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-03-15/abc-christian-porter-sued-allegations-defamation/13248408 Attorney-General Christian Porter launches defamation action against ABC], Australian Broadcasting Corporation, 15 March 2015</ref>
* '''Christopher "Poodle"<ref>Yaxley, Louise, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2009-02-23/gillard-labels-pyne-mincing-poodle/305818 "Gillard labels Pyne 'mincing poodle'"], ABC (updated 2/23/09 at 5:26am Pyne).</ref> Pyne''' (MP for Sturt, 1993-2019. '''Minister for Defence Industry''', 2016-2018): He asked a total of 3 questions on education in his entire time as shadow education minister.<ref>Willingham, Richard, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/questions-depend-on-better-answers-pyne-20120909-25maj.html "Questions depend on better answers: Payne"], SMH 9.10.12.</ref> He did produce ''some'' policy under Labor, but it was based on [[Pseudostatistics|heavily-flawed data]] that Pyne stuck to like glue because it supported his vision.<ref>Zyngier, David, [https://theconversation.com/from-gonski-to-gone-to-gonski-again-school-funding-future-remains-uncertain-21025 "From Gonski to gone to Gonski again: school funding future remains uncertain"], The Conversation (12/2/13 at 2:32pm EST).</ref> An ardent Catholic, every time Pyne brings up school funding, he whines about how the poor, neglected religious schools are being beaten up by the state schools.<ref>Patty, Anna, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/postgonski-fortune-to-private-schools-20140608-39r8n.html "Post-Gonski fortune to private schools"], SMH 6.9.14.</ref> ''Update'': Faced with the threat of [[Nick Xenophon]] running a candidate for his seat,<ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/dec/21/christopher-pyne-privately-lobbies-radio-host-to-help-stop-xenophon-candidate "Christopher Pyne privately lobbies radio host to help stop Xenophon candidate"], Associated Press via ''Guardian'' (Last modified 10/26/16 at 6:55 pm EDT).</ref> Pyne is shitting his pants and trying to rebrand as a moderate.<ref>Chris Uhlmann, Anna Henderson and Peta Donald, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-13/pyne-asked-truss-not-to-bring-nationals-to-same-sex-marriage/6695532 "Christopher Pyne asked Warren Truss not to bring Nationals to Coalition same-sex marriage vote"], ABC (Updated 8/13/15 at 7:27am). Pyne is "gay" only in the minimal sense that he's hopelessly in love with a person of the same sex (i.e. himself).</ref> Best of luck, mate.<ref>Gleeson, Kate, [https://theconversation.com/lets-be-clear-on-tony-abbotts-attacks-on-abortion-10263 "Let’s be clear on Tony Abbott’s attacks on abortion"], The Conversation (10/28/12 at 9:08am EDT).</ref>
* '''Geoff "Tummy Eggs"<ref>van der Reit, Tessa, [http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/tummy-eggs-multiply-antiabortion-mp-geoff-shaw-goes-viral-20140509-zr7xg.html "'Tummy eggs' multiply: Anti-abortion MP Geoff Shaw goes viral"], ''The Age'' 5.8.14.</ref> Shaw''' (MP for Frankston (Victorian State): 2010-2014): Religious zealot who does not play well with others. Not even the Victorian Liberals wanted him because of his extreme wingnuttery.<ref>Josh Gordon and Henrietta Cook, [http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/liberals-set-to-expel-rebel-mp-geoff-shaw-from-the-party-20140207-327fp.html "Liberals set to expel rebel MP Geoff Shaw from party"], ''The Age'' 2.8.14.</ref>
* '''[[Gina Rinehart]]''': Fossil fuels, housing, cattle-grazing. Pretty soon, Australians won't own any of their land.<ref name="gina" />  She writes the policies for Centrelink; her policy on "dole bludgers" is what forced the government to shift the tax burden onto the working class.<ref>Hurst, Daniel, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/mar/22/abbott-government-says-andrew-forrest-welfare-card-will-have-to-involve-cash "Abbott government says Andrew Forrest welfare card will have to involve cash"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 10/26/16 at 7:26pm EDT).</ref><ref>Sexton, Jennifer, [http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/nsw/gina-rinehart-hits-out-at-welfare-recipients-and-the-left-for-dragging-australia-into-debt/story-fni0cx12-1226847448435?nk=ed101f2c23d07b5d20e50a519437872f-1480310338 "Gina Rinehart hits out at welfare recipients and the Left for dragging Australia into debt"], ''Courier-Mail'' (3/7/14 at12:00AM). ''Welcome to Murdoch Agenda-Setting Monopoly, this is Gina speaking. How may I manage your perception?''</ref> Gina probably thinks kids should inherit wealth from their parents as she did... oh wait.<ref>Sarah Danckert, [http://www.theage.com.au/business/mining-and-resources/rinehart-redux-billionaire-gina-rinehart-launches-fresh-tilt-to-restrict-money-her-children-receive-20161014-gs2a46.html "Rinehart redux: Billionaire Gina Rinehart launches fresh tilt to restrict money her children receive"], ''The Age'' 10.15.16.</ref>
* '''Andrew Robb''' (Minister for Trade and Investment 2013-16): Negotiated deals that some feel were in the interest of others apart than Australia. He went straight from politics to working with companies in whose interests he had worked.<ref>Bardon, Jane, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-10-31/andrew-robb-landbridge-role-criticised-by-defence-association/7981832 "Andrew Robb under fire for decision to work for Chinese company Landbridge"], ABC (Updated 10/31/16 at 2:10am).</ref>
* '''Luke Simpkins''' (MP for Cowan, 2007-2016): When all you've got is your blind hatred of wogs, ''everything'' is an [[ISIS]] flag!<ref>Moskovich, Greg, [http://www.tonedeaf.com.au/430782/liberal-mp-mistakes-nightclub-logo-islamic-flag-trolling-ensues.htm "Clueless Liberal MP Mistakes Aussie Nightclub Logo For Islamic Flag"], Tonedeaf 1.6.15.</ref>
* '''Angus Taylor''' (MP for Hume, 2013-present. '''Minister for Energy and Emissions Reduction''', 2018-present.): Refers to AGW as "the new [[Secular_religions#Environmentalism_and_.27nature_worship.27|climate religion]]",  claimed that windfarms "drive up energy prices", and tacitly promoted "[[wind turbine syndrome]]". Capped off with his dog's breakfast suggestion that open-plan offices are what made Silicon Valley great!<ref>Bailey, Michael, [http://www.afr.com/news/politics/election/election-2016-nbn-not-major-factor-in-innovation-success-says-cities-minister-angus-taylor-20160616-gpkowh "Election 2016: NBN 'not major factor' in innovation success, says Cities Minister Angus Taylor"], AFR (Updated 6/17/16 at 12:23 PM).</ref> (Remember him, the next time Turnbull makes his pathetic claim that the Liberal Party isn't run by factions.)<ref>James Massola and Sean Nicholls, [http://www.theage.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/malcolm-turnbull-steps-in-to-save-angus-taylor-from-hume-preselection-fight-20160218-gmx8ry.html "Malcolm Turnbull steps in to protect two sitting NSW MPs before preselection nominations close"], ''The Age'' 2.18.16.</ref>
* '''Alan Tudge''' (MP for Aston, 2010-present. '''Minister for Human Services''' 2016-2017. '''Minister for Education and Youtu''', 2020-present): As Tudge sees it, being on the dole means you are unequivocally a failure, an embarrassment. Having the deck stacked against you is a feature, not a bug.<ref>Christian Porter and Alan Tudge, [http://christianporter.dss.gov.au/media-releases/ensuring-welfare-integrity Ensuring welfare integrity, 3.2.16.</ref><ref>Tudge, [http://www.themercury.com.au/news/opinion/talking-point-chasing-welfare-cheats-is-not-a-job-governments-can-shirk/news-story/444d7a925d5dd435d3dbe5ac75a8fb79?nk=ed101f2c23d07b5d20e50a519437872f-1484936199 "Chasing welfare cheats is not a job governments can shirk"], ''The Mercury'' (1/19/17 at 5:00am).</ref> You need to feel the constant weight of that stigma while living on the system so that, by the time you get out, you're all too eager to [[Blaming the victim|heap it back on anyone]] who didn't have the guts & determination to dig their way out of the hole like you did. (Can we have a computer system to track false travel claims, please?)<ref>Karp, Paul, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2017/jan/11/mps-havent-sought-to-defraud-says-minister-as-travel-claims-scandal-widens "MPs 'haven't sought to defraud', says minister as travel claims scandal widens"], ''Guardian'' (1/10/17 at 6:01 PM EST).</ref>
* '''[[Malcolm Turnbull|Malcolm "In the Middle" Turnbull]]''' (MP for Wentworth, 2004-2018. '''Prime Minister''' September 2015-August 2018): Slick as castor oil on a duck's ass, Turnbull is "classically liberal" (that's a wank way of saying free-market fundamentalist) and a Sinophile, so his instincts are to throw the gates open to Chinese money.<ref>McColl, Gina, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/foreign-minister-julie-bishops-links-to-chinese-political-donors-20160823-gqzauy.html "Foreign Minister Julie Bishop's links to Chinese political donors"], SMH 8.26.16.</ref> That's his plan to drive the economy, ''i.e.'' more radical undermining of everything distinct and desirable about Australia, or what's left of it. The press adores him because he wears a suit well, waves his glasses around, and articulates the value of ''business experience''. They particularly enjoy his rags-to-riches story where he inherited a few million as a young man. (He really has the common touch, doesn't he? Been taking tips from [[Zac Goldsmith|Zac "never seen a pint before" Goldsmith]] and [[David Cameron|Dave "hotdog with a fork and knife" Cameron]].) At least Tones had a moral backbone. Malcolm is shaping up to be the worst PM to date. He will be forever remembered as "Mister Broadband," having annihilated Australia's internet service speeds.
* '''Tim Wilson''' (MP for Goldstein, 2016-present): There are a surprising number of these shiny suit-wearing, "openly gay" [[Tokenism|hatchet-men]] with their private school haircuts and real estate portfolios. They identify as millionaires first, and gays second. (Between elections, stuff like broken marble tables is just a bit of 'tut-tut'. During an election year, a little more scrutiny is given to each member's expenses.)<ref>Aston, Heath, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/questions-over-freedom-commissioners-claim-to-no-luxury-travel-20150712-giajie.html "Questions over Freedom Commissioner's claim to 'no luxury' travel"], SMH 7.12.15.</ref><ref>Gartrell, Adam, [http://www.bordermail.com.au/story/3190186/tony-abbotts-human-rights-man-tim-wilson-racks-up-77000-in-expenses/?cs=7 "Tony Abbott's human rights man Tim Wilson racks up $77,000 in expenses"], ''The Border Mail'' (7/5/15 at 12:36 a.m.).</ref> Now we know this venal little prick will not just sell out the rights of others to further his career, he'll sell out those of his loved ones and himself as well.<ref>Tony Wright and Dan Harrison, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/tim-wilson-appointment-to-human-rights-commission-stirs-controversy-20131217-2zjbk.html "Tim Wilson appointment to Human Rights Commission stirs controversy"], SMH 12.18.13. One second he wants the position abolished, and the next second he's pocketing the paycheque. No wonder he achieved nothing in the role, he was against it from the beginning.</ref><ref>Wilson, Tim, [http://www.smh.com.au/comment/blocking-the-plebiscite-on-samesex-marriage-is-no-victory-20160829-gr3hq0.html "Blocking the plebiscite on same-sex marriage would be no victory"], SMH 8.26.16.</ref>

== The Not-so-Insane Liberals ==

* '''Julia Banks''' (MP for Chisholm, 2016-2019): Left the Liberal party to sit on the crossbench as an Independent in 2018, citing her discontentment with the toppling of Turnbull and her exasperation with the treatment of women in the Liberal Party.<ref>Jackson Gothe-Snape. [https://www.abc.net.au/news/2018-11-27/julia-banks-bombshell-quits-liberal-party-treatment-women/10559446 Julia Banks says treatment of women 'years behind' business world as she quits Liberals]. ABC News, 27 November 2018.</ref> In 2021, she authored and released a tell-all book called "Power Play: Breaking Through Bias, Barriers and Boys' Clubs".<ref>[https://www.booktopia.com.au/power-play-julia-banks/book/9781743797204.html Power Play, Breaking Through Bias, Barriers and Boys' Clubs by Julia Banks]. Booktopia.</ref><ref>Paula Matthewson. [https://thenewdaily.com.au/opinion/2021/07/05/julia-banks-politics-sexist/ Julia Banks’ revelations prove – again – that it’s men responsible for sexist politics]. The New Daily, 5 July 2021.</ref>
* '''Sue Boyce''' (Senator for Queensland, 2007-2014): voted in favour of same-sex marriage, acknowledges the existence of man-made climate change, voting in favour of emissions trading.
* '''Russell Broadbent''' (MP for McMillan, 2004-2019):  Broadbent is the last of small-"l" liberals: He was one of three who crossed the floor when Howard ordered asylum seekers to be processed offshore. More recently, he challenged "those on [his] side of politics" (read: Christensen) who were "cuddling up to Hansonite rhetoric" to think again. This is as far as his positive qualities go. Broadbent is a homophobe who voted against ratifying same-sex marriage, is an anti-vaccer who promotes ivermectin for COVID-19. 
Broadbent was knifed at pre-selection by nepotist carpetbagger Mary Aldred <ref name="broadbent"/>. 
* '''George Brandis''' (Senator for Queensland 2000-2018, '''Vice President of the Executive Council/Attorney General''' 2013-2017, '''Leader of the Government in the Senate''' 2015-2017): Yes, really; if only because he calls Pauline out on her hate-mongering,<ref>Kimmorley, Sarah, [http://www.businessinsider.com.au/brandis-not-every-mass-casualty-attack-is-an-act-of-terrorism-2016-7 "BRANDIS: 'Not every mass casualty attack is an act of terrorism'"], ''Business Insider'' (7/25/16 at 10:44 AM).</ref> and publicly acknowledges the existence of climate change.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-04-19/people-who-dont-engage-climate-deniers-ignorant-brandis-says/5399820 "People who don't engage climate change deniers 'ignorant and medieval': A-G George Brandis"], ABC (Updated 8/19/14 at 7:00am).</ref> Though he is {{wpl|George Brandis#Racial vilification issue|nutty in other areas.}}
* '''Mathias "Arnold Schwarzenegger" Cormann''' (Senator for Western Australia, 2007-2020. '''Minister for Finance''', 2013-2020. '''Deputy Leader of the Government in the Senate''', 2015-2017): Once you've mastered the art of [[doublethink]] like our finance minister, his language will make perfect sense.<ref>Bourke, Latika, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-05-27/cormann-hints-at-taxpayer-funded-budget-ad-campaign/5480170 "Prime Minister Tony Abbott rules out 'big' taxpayer-funded budget ad campaign"], ABC (Updated 5/26/14 at 11:39pm). ''We are so broke that we must spend millions convincing the voters how broke we are!''</ref><ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-11-20/cormann-denies-breaking-election-commitment-on-abc-budget-cuts/5904884 "ABC funding cuts: Mathias Cormann denies Government has broken election commitment not to cut broadcaster's budget"], ABC (Updated 11/19/14 at 6:44pm).</ref><ref>Borrello, Eliza, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-09-02/australia-not-heading-towards-recession,-says-hockey/6745294 "Australia not heading towards recession despite weak growth figures, Joe Hockey and Mathias Cormann say"], ABC (Updated 9/2/15 at 7:24pm). And the band played on.</ref>  He is, however, prepared to set his personal beliefs aside and vote for gay marriage.<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/breaking-news/respect-gay-marriage-decision-cormann/news-story/4ed66e76a951ff5869c5e2cf03a4198b "Coalition expands on plebiscite decision"], news.au (6/21/16 at 9:59am).</ref>
* '''Warren Entsch''' (MP 1996-2007, 2010-present) Criticised his Queensland Liberal colleagues for homophobia and general bigotry.<ref>Harrison, Dan, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-08-17/warren-entsch-introduces-same-sex-marriage-bill/6701878 "Liberal MP Warren Entsch attacks Cory Bernardi on 'gay obsession'"], The Age 1.8.14.</ref>
* '''Malcolm Fraser''' (Prime Minister 1975-1983): Fraser, Hewson, Reith...the people who used to run the Liberal Party now hate it.<ref>Cornwall, Deborah, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-08-23/malcolm-fraser-calls-abbotts-team-australia-divisive/5691550 "Prime Minister's calls for Team Australia 'divisive' and 'counter-productive', former PM Malcolm Fraser says"], ABC (Updated 8/22/14 at 6:39pm)</ref><ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-02-14/malcolm-fraser-attacks-abbott-treatment-human-rights-commission/6098920 "Malcolm Fraser criticises PM over 'bully-boy' response to Human Rights Commission"], ABC (Updated 2/14/15 at 5:18am).</ref><ref>Ashton, Heath, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/john-hewson-and-malcolm-fraser-blast-liberals-over-anu-divestment-backlash-20141014-115g2r.html "John Hewson and Malcolm Fraser blast Liberals over ANU divestment backlash"], SMH 10.13.14.</ref> Handed in his membership when Abbott was elected.<ref>Eckersley, Robyn, [https://theconversation.com/malcolm-fraser-we-have-lost-our-way-3734 "Malcolm Fraser: ‘we have lost our way’"], The Conversation (10/9/11 at 3:19pm EDT).</ref> Was the first, and to date only Woke liberal leader. The first white Commonwealth leader to oppose Apartheid South Africa, eliminated the last vestiges of White Australia Policy, by establishing Australian Multiculturalism and the Special Broadcasting Services. So woke that he is the frequent target of intellectual pygmies like Dutton and Mirabella.<ref name="fraser" /><ref>Sexton, Reid, [http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/liberal-mp-attacks-frothing-fraser/2008/01/05/1198950131148.html "Liberal MP attacks 'frothing' Fraser"], ''The Age'' 1.6.08.</ref>  (Someone should remind Dutton that he is Minister for Immigration and not a bloody historian.)
* '''Josh "Mr Coal"<ref>Readfearn, Graham, [http://www.desmogblog.com/2016/07/18/australia-appoints-mr-coal-new-climate-change-minister?utm_source=Daily+Carbon+Briefing&utm_campaign=199bc9b39b-cb_daily&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_876aab4fd7-199bc9b39b-303423917 "Australia Appoints “Mr Coal” As New Climate Change Minister"], Desmog (7/18/16 at 10:02 PM).</ref> Frydenberg''' (MP for Kooyong, 2010-present. '''Minister for Environment and Energy''', 2016-2018. '''Treasurer of Australia''', 2018-present): MINING: Well the coal industry's absolutely totemic to the company. STEEL: Ink on the [[Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]]'s not even dry, and already I'm screwing you.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/insiders/content/2015/s4440434.htm Josh Frydenberg joins ''Insiders''], 10.4.16.</ref> To his credit, he freely acknowledges that coal will be going away soon.<ref>Murphy, Katherine, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/jul/28/josh-frydenberg-australias-use-of-coal-is-falling-and-that-is-not-a-bad-thing "Josh Frydenberg: Australia's use of coal is falling 'and that is not a bad thing'"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/27/16 at 4:19 PM EDT) He goes on to say companies will monitor their own emissions. Best not to think too hard about that.</ref> Earlier, he spilled the beans about the same-sex marriage plebiscite.<ref>Doran, Matthew, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-03-26/josh-frydenberg-says-many-liberals-favour-same-sex-marriage/6349100 "Assistant Treasurer Josh Frydenberg says motion for conscience vote on same-sex marriage would probably succeed"], ABC (Updated 3/25/15 at 7:56pm).</ref>
* '''Sarah Henderson''' (MP for Corangamite, 2013-2019. Senator for Victoria, 2019-present): Actually supports things such as renewable energy (even if only cynically),<ref>Henderson, Anna, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-07-27/backbench-pressures-government-about-energy-decision/6649648 "Liberal MP Sarah Henderson puts pressure on Government to reverse directive on wind, solar investment"], ABC (Updated 7/26/15 at 7:35pm).</ref> is opposed to super trawling (again, even if only cynically) and supports same-sex marriage.
* '''John Hewson''' (Opposition leader 1990-1994): Really {{wpl|Fightback! (policy)|dodged the bullet}} with this one back in the day; never layout your economic scheme ''too early''.<ref>Hewson, [http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/malcolm-turnbulls-attacks-on-labor-will-eventually-cost-him-government-20161102-gsgsp4.html "Malcolm Turnbull's point-scoring attacks on Labor will eventually cost him government"], ''Canberra Times'' 11.3.16.</ref> (He would have left the unemployed to die. Mass homelessness. Not pretty.) Now he's turning Green in old age: He opposed participating in the Iraq War,<ref>Wahlquist, Calla, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2015/jul/14/john-hewson-qanda-australias-role-iraq-implicates-rise-isis "John Hewson on Q&A: Australia's role in Iraq war implicates us in rise of Isis"], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/4/16 at 1:38 AM EDT).</ref> acknowledges the existence of man-made climate change,<ref>Hewson, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-11-18/hewson-time-for-an-apology-on-climate-change/5898552 "Time for an apology on climate change"], ABC (Updated 11/17/14 at 1:37pm).</ref> and blasts the extremist rabble who have taken over his party.<ref name="fraser" /><ref>Swan, Jonathan, [http://www.smh.com.au/national/abbotts-secretive-ways-have-gone-too-far-says-john-hewson-20140110-30mpq.html "Abbott's secretive ways have gone too far, says John Hewson"], SMH 1.11.14.</ref><ref>Hewson, [http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/were-not-the-51st-state-of-america-and-we-shouldnt-act-like-it-20161117-gsrb64.html "We're not the 51st state of America and we shouldn't act like it"], ''Canberra Times'' (11/17/16 at 11:10PM).</ref> Abbott was Hewson's media secretary in the '89 election, so it is significant to see him criticise a protege.
* '''John "Desiccated Coconut"<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQ0vpLqI-s0 Paul Keating calling Howard a "dessicated coconut."]</ref> "Non-Core Promise" "Man of Steel"<ref>[http://www.news.com.au/national/john-who-george-bush-leaves-little-room-for-howard-in-his-memoir/story-e6frfkvr-1225951473112 "John who? George Bush leaves little room for Howard in his memoir"], news.eu (11/11/10 at 12:00AM).</ref> Howard''' (Prime Minister, 1996-2007): The "Gold Standard" of PMs (he's called that because he had an unprecedented amount of money to buy votes with).<ref>Seccombe, Mike, [https://www.thesaturdaypaper.com.au/news/politics/2014/12/20/how-john-howards-tax-cuts-undid-his-protege-tony-abbott/14189940001389#.VJjCal4AAA "How John Howard's tax cuts undid his protégé Tony Abbott"], 'Saturday Paper'' 12.20.14.</ref> Before that, he was a pretty incompetent Treasurer in the Frasier government.<ref>Fernando, Mithra, [http://www.smh.com.au/news/letters/the-inconvenient-truth-about-interest-rates-and-john-howard/2007/10/04/1191091271442.html "The inconvenient truth about interest rates and John Howard"], SMH 10.5.07.</ref><ref>Mayne, Stephen, [https://www.crikey.com.au/2007/11/21/the-50-billion-debt-pile-that-john-howard-eliminated/ "The $50 billion debt pile that John Howard “eliminated”"], Crikey 11.21.07.</ref> Went through two of the biggest booms in history (dot com and mining) and came out of it with nothing. To counter the $12b deficit, he sold Telstra,<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/7.30/stories/s108997.htm "Telstra plans massive job cuts"], ABC 9.3.00.</ref> and Australians have been paying for it ever since. Authorised bribes to [[Saddam Hussein]] in order to secure {{wpl|AWB oil-for-wheat scandal|wheat contracts.}} Later sent troops to Iraq; 100,000 protested in Sydney alone. Howard responded on the evening news by saying it didn't mean anything (I mean not ''everyone'' in Australia marched, right?). [[Stopped clock|However]], he did heavily restrict (if not outright ban) sales of semi-auto firearms and pump action shotguns after the {{wpl|Port_Arthur_massacre_(Australia)|Port Arthur Massacre}}, so he'll always have that.<ref>Shoba Ro and Brendan Hills, [http://www.news.com.au/national/politics/john-howard-wants-gun-laws-in-australia-strengthened/news-story/8c62616b79a7aed181d373b2c7a867bd "John Howard wants gun laws in Australia ‘strengthened’"], news.au (10/22/16 at 3:25pm).</ref>
* '''Barnaby "Who Let the Dogs Out"<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssIoi7r_u-Q Barnaby Joyce threatens to kill Johnny Depp's dogs.]</ref> Joyce''' (Senator for Queensland, 2010-2013. MP for New England, 2013-present. '''Deputy Prime Minister''' 2016-2018 & 2021-2022.): It's a terrifying time for Australia when Barnaby is the voice of reason,<ref>Chan, Gabrielle, [https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/jul/20/barnaby-joyce-rejects-pauline-hansons-policies-saying-every-religion-has-ratbags "Barnaby Joyce rejects Pauline Hanson's policies, saying every religion has ratbags "], ''Guardian'' (Last modified 7/20/16 at 6:00am EDT).</ref> though technically he's no longer a Liberal Party member. This isn't the first time he came out against Hanson: He was for accepting Syrian refugees,<ref>[http://www.sbs.com.au/news/article/2015/11/09/rural-australia-welcomes-syrian-refugees-joyce "Rural Australia welcomes Syrian refugees: Joyce"], Associated Press via SBS (11/9/15 a- 11:23am).</ref> and he is a pretty strong supporter of Halal certification.<ref>Owens, Jared, [http://www.theaustralian.com.au/national-affairs/halal-meat-sector-unviable-without-islamic-markets-barnaby-joyce-says/news-story/d9b7eb6b05bcdf13039261aee5320c2f "Halal meat: sector unviable without Islamic markets, Barnaby Joyce says"], ''Australian'' (4/13/15 at 3:23PM).</ref> He's a rose amongst thorns. (More like a thorn amongst weeds.)<ref>Hunter, Fergus, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/no-apology-from-barnaby-joyce-as-government-doubles-down-on-centrelink-debt-clawback-20170106-gtmzaw.html "'No apology' from Barnaby Joyce as government doubles down on Centrelink debt clawback"], SMH 1.6.17.</ref> (UPDATE: Found sleeping with a member of his staff, so now he's not even head of the Nationals anymore. Great work, Barnaby!) (UPDATED UPDATE: In June 2021, he somehow managed to weasel his way into regaining both of his old jobs. Alas, less than a year later, he lost both positions yet again, following the 2022 election.)
* '''Craig Laundy''' (MP for Reid, 2013-2019): supports the role of the ABC, supports the Racial Discrimination Act, supports Palestinian rights, and supports multiculturalism and increasing Australia's relatively dismal refugee intake.
* '''Barry O'Farrell''' (Premier of New South Wales, 2011-2014): Supports gay rights, same-sex marriage and supported the federal Labor government's education reforms. It's a pity that a bottle of wine was his undoing...wait, ''$3k for a bottle of wine?''  Jesus, NSW, pull yourselves together.
* '''Peter Reith''' (Leader of the House 1996-2001. Minister for Defense January 2001-November 2001): [[Fracking]] activist<ref>Reith, Peter, [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2013-10-29/reith-fracking-scare-campaigns-threaten-our-prosperity/5051576 "Fracking scare campaigns threaten our prosperity"], ABC (10/28/13 at 4:31pm).</ref> and killer of children. (Brandis learned from the best.)<ref name="boats" /> Reith was the latest negotiator sent in to try and defuse the hostage situation in Canberra:<ref>Reith, [http://www.canberratimes.com.au/comment/tony-abbott-has-no-mandate-to-undermine-malcolm-turnbull-20160307-gncj1g.html "Tony Abbott has no mandate to undermine Malcolm Turnbull"], ''Canberra Times' 3.7.16.</ref> Abbott is holed up in the metaphorical bank with one gun pointed at Australia's international reputation, and another pointed at the Liberal Party. He shot them both in the kneecaps to show he's serious. Reith is also calling for a marriage plebiscite—when he knows, according to the Libs' own poll, that around 70% support marriage equality. In other words, he's asking for a vote he knows will pass and put pressure on parliament to follow up with legislation.<ref>[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2015-06-09/former-finance-minister-calls-for-plebiscite-on-gay-marriage/6531526 "Same-sex marriage: Former minister Peter Reith calls on Tony Abbott to hold plebiscite"], ABC (Updated 6/8/16 at 8:21pm).</ref>
* '''Wyatt Roy''' (MP for Longman, 2010-2016): Supports same-sex marriage, and believes climate change is... "plausible".  Siding with Turnbull was very naive considering his electorate, and he paid the price.
* '''Dean Smith''' (Senator for Western Australia 2012-present): Guess they didn't expect a vote so tight that one lowly Senator could sink them. This is the same greedy coward who got elected by [[Tokenism|opposing]] same-sex marriage and only changed his mind because the manager of the cafe in the Sydney siege was gay and was killed.<ref>Knott, Matthew, [http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/liberal-mp-dean-smiths-views-on-samesex-marriage-turned-at-30000ft-20150206-137spm "Liberal MP Dean Smith's views on same-sex marriage turned at 30,000ft"], 2.20.15.</ref> Somehow Labor is to blame for all this!<ref>Knott, Matthew, [http://www.smh.com.au/national/gay-liberal-senator-dean-smith-slams-tanya-plibersek-over-gay-marriage-move-20150427-1mu99l.html "Gay Liberal senator Dean Smith slams Tanya Plibersek over gay marriage move"], SMH 4.27.15.</ref>
* '''Judith Troeth''' (Senator for Victoria, 1993-2011): Voted in favour of emissions trading and acknowledges the existence of climate change.
* '''Jason Wood''' (MP for La Trobe, 2004-2010, 2013-present): Has campaigned on environmental issues and is a member of [[Greenpeace]]. He also supported emissions trading.

==See also==
* [[Carbon tax (Australia)]] — People don't care about climate change when the economy is on their minds.
* [[Banking crisis]] —  The Coalition look at the newspapers with envious eyes: the ass-hats overseas who crashed the world economy were bailed out, and then got bigger. Make no mistake, Rinehart and co. want a recession.
* [[Forza Italia]] — It is similar to LPA. It is a party that advocates "[[Classical Liberalism|liberal]]" but uses it in a completely different way from what it calls "[[Social liberal|liberal]]" in the United States. Like LPA, there are also some far-right groups within the party.
* [[Liberal conservatism]]
* [[Institute of Public Affairs]] — A major source of their policies.

==Videos==

*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08TP6Oeg8bA The Dumbest Decision Ever Made]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBWch9Z7gLw Bronwyn Bishop's ''Arrested Development''] — "Ditch the Witch"

==External Links==

*[http://imgur.com/1muWBww A pretty good likeness. The nose could be browner.]
*[http://imgur.com/blZwBL1 Abbott cackling like a Bond villain at rising sea levels, is unaware of the microphone.] — "Adults in Charge"
*[https://delimiter.com.au/2012/05/01/worst-of-the-worst-photos-of-australias-copper-network/ $12.8 billion well spent] — "Sooner, Cheaper, and More Affordably"
*[https://twitter.com/GregHuntMP/status/737191181449207808 Incredibly not satire.]
*[http://www.mcmansionhell.com/post/157157014086/mcmansion-hell-australia-edition Aussie McMansions, courtesy of McMansion Hell] — They're 10 years behind the US in everything, why not in ugly monuments to housing bubble hubris as well?
*[http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-03-18/exciting-time-catchcry-taken-offline/7256556 It's An Exciting Time to be a Public Relations Firm]
*[http://www.canberratimes.com.au/national/public-service/coalition-faces-industrial-relations-revolt-from-its-own-staffers-over-public-sector-stance-20161115-gsprw6.html Happy to smash collective bargaining to bits, not so happy when it happens to them.] — Delicious irony, gobble it down while it's hot!
*[https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2016/dec/18/mathias-cormann-says-budget-surplus-by-2020-was-a-projection-not-policy Budget Surplus by 2020 was a "projection" not policy] — How about we cut the Coalition as much slack as they gave Labor? (Not one millimetre.)
** Yeah, and let's hold Labor to account for [https://twitter.com/TurnbullMalcolm/status/20377725065 knifing their leader!]
*Well, they couldn't manage it with consumer confidence, economic equality, legislation passed, deficit reduction, full-time jobs or wage growth. Still, at least the Coalition managed a rise in [http://www.abc.net.au/news/2016-12-20/2016-australian-election-disaffected-study/8134508 this graph.]

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==

{{reflist|3|75%}}

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[[Category:Australian political parties]]
[[Category:Liberal conservatism]]
[[Category:Conservative political parties]]
[[Category:Classical liberal political parties]]
[[Category:Global warming denialists]]
[[Category:Islamophobia]]

Categories: Australian political parties, Liberal conservatism, Conservative political parties, Classical liberal political parties, Global warming denialists, Islamophobia