Atheist professor myth

{{bronze}}{{religion}}
The '''atheist professor myth''' is an [[urban legend]], often told through chain emails, in which an [[atheist]] [[professor]] attempts to [[falsifiability|disprove]] the existence of [[God]] and is subsequently embarrassed by a wise [[Christian]] student in front of the whole class.

Despite the [[strawman]] nature of the professor and the often-[[fallacy|fallacious]] arguments used by the student, especially the claim that [[evil is the absence of God]], this [[myth]] has become quite popular among Christians for decades and variations of it predate the [[internet]].

The most famous variation claims the student to be a young [[Albert Einstein]].<ref>[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/false-einstein-humiliates-professor/ Did Albert Einstein Humiliate an Atheist Professor?], ''[[Snopes]]'', 29 June, 2004</ref> His decidedly unorthodox religious views apparently didn't occur to whoever wrote this.

==Examples==

===Einstein variation===
{{quotebox|Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God [[creationism|create everything]] that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything?" The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God [[problem of evil|created evil]] since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of [[physics]], what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use [[Newton]]'s prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of [[crime]] and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name? [[Albert Einstein]]!{{nofact}}}}

===Elite military variation===
{{quotebox|
Navy SEALs are always taught

1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in [[Iraq]] and [[Afghanistan]]. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the [[ACLU]]. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your [[freedom of speech|right to say stupid shit]] and act like an asshole. So He sent me."{{nofact}}}}

In other examples of the same variation, it's not a SEAL, but a Marine. In real life, both groups would probably consider such behaviour as "conduct unbecoming" which could result in a {{wpl|court martial||.}} Also, it often {{wpl|Happy ending|ends with the class cheering and clapping for the SEAL/Marine|.}} It also clearly attempts to celebrate the [[machismo]] of the SEAL/Marine rather than be any sort of semi-coherent debate on the deity.

===Dropped chalk variation===
{{quotebox|[[BS|This is a true story]] of something that happened just a few years ago at USC. There was a professor of [[philosophy]] there who was a deeply committed atheist. His primary goal for one required class was to spend the entire semester attempting to prove that God couldn't exist. His students were always afraid to argue with him because of his impeccable [[logic]]. For twenty years, he had taught this class and no one had ever had the courage to go against him. Sure, some had argued in class at times, but no one had ever 'really gone against him' (you'll see what I mean later).

Nobody would go against him because he had a reputation.  At the end of every semester, on the last day, he would say to his class of 300 students, "If there anyone here who still believes in [[Jesus]], stand up!" In twenty years, no one had ever stood up. They knew what he was going to do next. He would say, "because anyone who does believe in God is a fool. If God existed, he could stop this piece of chalk from hitting the ground and breaking. Such a simple task to prove that he is God, and yet he can't do it." And every year, he would drop the chalk onto the tile floor of the classroom and it would shatter into a hundred pieces. The students could do nothing but stop and stare. Most of the students were convinced that God couldn't exist. Certainly, a number of Christians had slipped through, but for 20 years, they had been too afraid to stand up. 

Well, a few years ago, there was a freshman who happened to get enrolled in the class. He was a Christian, and had heard the stories about this professor. He had to take the class because it was one of the required classes for his major and he was afraid. But for 3 months that semester, he prayed every morning that he would have the courage to stand up no matter what the professor said or what the class thought. Nothing they said or did could ever shatter his faith, he hoped. 

Finally the day came. The professor said, "If there is anyone here who still believes in God, stand up!" The professor and the class of 300 people looked at him, shocked, as he stood up at the back of the classroom. The professor shouted, "You FOOL!! If God existed, he could keep this piece of chalk from breaking when it hit the ground!" He proceeded to drop the chalk, but as he did, it slipped out of his fingers, off his shirt cuff, onto the pleats of his pants, down his leg, and off his shoe. As it hit the ground, it simply rolled away, unbroken.

The professor's jaw dropped as he stared at the chalk. He looked up at the young man and then ran out of the lecture hall. The young man who had stood up proceeded to walk to the front of the room and share his faith in Jesus for the next half hour. 300 students stayed and listened as he told of God's love for them and of his power through Jesus.{{nofact}}}}

==Obviously fallacious reasoning==

===Existence through absence===

The story about a student humiliating a fictional professor is based on a fallacy called [[mistaking the map for the territory]], also known as [[reification]]. We should first notice that using the presented logic, one could claim that [[poverty]] does not exist, since it is just a lack of wealth, that scurvy does not exist, since it is just a lack of [[vitamin C]], that vacuum doesn't exist, since it is just an absence of matter, or even that sorrow does not exist, since it is an absence of happiness. These statements are obviously nonsensical.

The error leading to the statements "cold does not exist because it is an absence of heat" and "darkness does not exist because it is an absence of light" is that the story conflates human perceptions of physical phenomena with laws governing them at the microscopic level. Although cold is indeed a weaker thermal motion of molecules and darkness is an absence of [[photon]]s, this does not change the fact that humans perceive weaker thermal motion of their bodies as cold and the absence of photons hitting their retinas as darkness. Therefore, even though cold and darkness do not exist as fundamental physical phenomena, they do exist as human perceptions, or [[qualia]]. Since "good" and "evil" are human perceptions and cannot be identified with any fundamental physical forces, the whole analogy falls apart.

A further problem with claiming that evil is an "absence of God" is that it implies that God is not [[Omnipresence|omnipresent]]. Also, the [[problem of evil]] can be rephrased as the 'problem of pain' or the 'problem of suffering'. The idea of an [[omnibenevolent]], [[Omniscience|omniscient]], and [[Omnipotence|omnipotent]] God absenting Himself in ways that conveniently allow suffering is as hard for Christians (or other [[Abrahamic religion|Abrahamic]] [[Monotheism|monotheists]]) to explain as the one of a good God allowing evil, unless one resorts to such [[Handwave|handwaving]] [[escape hatch]]es as [[Argument from ignorance|"God works in mysterious ways"]], of course.

===Dependence on coincidence===
Both the Navy SEAL and the dropped chalk story rely on coincidence to prove the existence of God. Is God real? Well, that Marine appeared and punched him! Is God real? Well, that chalk fell and didn't break! Both of these occurrences, while improbable, are not impossible; using similar logic, one could conclude God is real if a penny lands on its side once in ten-thousand tosses. If God were to take an immediate interest in those situations, and arrange them in such a way as to prove His existence, you'd think He'd do it in a more eye-catching way: Writing his name on the chalkboard, summoning lighting into the classroom, or temporarily suspending gravity would all make for far more interesting demonstrations of power, though even those would not definitively prove the existence of God.

==="Atheists get pwnd!!"===
While stories about a student like Einstein humiliating an atheist professor might make for very entertaining [[Jack Chick#Tracts|Chick Tracts]],<ref>[http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0055/0055_01.asp ''Big Daddy?''] in which Chick basically rehashes [[Kent Hovind|"Dr. Dino's"]] [[BS]], but strangely misses the opportunity to have the student turn out to be or [[Quote mining|"cite"]] Einstein.</ref> they probably don't convert anyone. Rather, they function mostly as a way of [[Preaching to the choir|reinforcing things that Christians want to hear]] and already believe to be true, and [[Confirmation bias|make them feel smart about doing so]].

The Navy SEAL variation manages to be rather stupid. The crux of the story is the obviously hypocritical behavior of the student. He tells the professor he fought overseas to protect his [[freedom of speech|right to say things he disagrees with]], right after physically assaulting him for saying things he disagreed with. Additionally, the SEAL never addresses the professor's argument in the first place, since his only reply is [[argumentum ad baculum|to use/threaten force]] — which is meant to shut down discussion rather than establish the truth of the matter. Some atheists have attempted to disprove the existence of God by challenging God to strike them dead; would the SEAL have then struck them dead? The SEAL also assumes that God, supposedly omnipotent and omnipresent, is incapable of multi-tasking.

The dropped chalk version simply relies on a cheap [[strawman]] atheist who seems to think that chalk breaks every time it hits the ground or if a single accident happens, it somehow proves the existence of God. This version is especially stupid, since most real atheists would consider spending an ''entire semester'' trying to disprove the existence of a god they don't even believe in to begin with to be [[WOMBAT|a complete waste of time]]. That would be like a Christian professor spending an entire semester trying to convince his students that Thor doesn't exist when he could be using that time to actually educate his students. The whole premise doesn't even make sense.

Finally, much like the [[argument from first cause]], none of these examples establish which god or gods are in question. The elite military variation is particularly problematic if you consider [[9/11|why that soldier had been to Iraq and Afghanistan]] in the first place. Also, in 2021, cynics would suggest that if God has been helping US forces in Afghanistan, then he hasn't been been doing a very good job of it. Also, [[YHVH|Yawheh]] and [[Allah]] are supposedly the exact same God using different aliases based on the language of his original worshippers; thus, in any conflict between followers of Abrahamic religions, God would be faced with a [[conflict of interest]] that raises the question of whose side (if any) He is ''actually'' on — if anything, it would logically make more sense for Him to wash His hands of His followers' petty squabbles.

==Stereotypes utilized==
All variations of the myth employ various [[stereotypes]]. The professor is implied to be part of a [[liberal academia|liberal plot]] to brainwash impressionable students. Modern variations often describe the professor as being a card-carrying member of such liberal bogeymen as the [[ACLU]] or [[NAACP]], even though these groups have nothing to do with the story and serve only to [[poisoning the well|poison the well]] by characterizing the professor as a wicked [[progressive]]. The professor is always described as being extremely aggressive and rude towards people of faith. This becomes particularly [[irony|ironic]] in the Navy SEAL version, as the student literally attacks the professor. The professor is sometimes said to be a [[Vietnam War]] [[draft]]-dodger, to contrast him with the student who served in the military. In recent versions of the myth, the professor is often said to have [[Barack Obama#I voted for Barack Obama!|voted for Barack Obama]]. No doubt we'll soon be seeing Atheist Professors who voted for [[Hillary Clinton]] (e.g., see [[Gavin McInnes]]) or [[Joe Biden]].

If the school where the incident took place is mentioned, it is almost always the University of Southern [[California]], a college historically known for [[liberal]] activism.

The core of every variation of the myth is the idea that atheists are obsessed with disproving the existence of God. While [[Antitheism|some people]] [[New Atheism|like this]] [[Atheist fundamentalism|do]] [[Militant atheism|exist]], ''most'' scientifically-minded atheists in the modern day recognize that the existence of God is not [[falsifiable]], and instead focus on the negative effects that organized religion has on the world, and/or focus on the lack of evidence for certain beliefs while emphasizing that the {{wpl|null hypothesis}} on the subject of religion is atheism or agnosticism. Certain arguments for disproving the existence of God do exist, but none of them are presented in these myths, which instead involve people who think a piece of chalk not breaking when it hits the floor is conclusive proof that (the Christian) God is real.

Even though the professor is described as a devout atheist who has reigned supreme for decades, he is always brought to his knees by common arguments that any atheist who has debated with a Christian before will have heard. This obsession with "[[one single proof]]" dominates Christian debate tactics.

The myth of Einstein being a devout believer in God serves as the critical "punchline" to the original urban legend. Einstein was a well-known [[agnostic]] or [[pantheist]] (his exact views are difficult to pin down, but he made it clear in his letters that he was not an atheist and, conversely, did not believe in a personal God). No account of this story appears in any biography or sourced story about Einstein and it is unanimously agreed to have never happened.

As in many [[conservative]] urban legends, the student in modern variations of the myth is described as being a Navy SEAL who proudly killed people for his country in [[Afghanistan]] and [[Iraq]]. Some versions of the story have the professor insulting the student for his military service.

Some versions of the story end with the teacher running out of the room and the student teaching the class about [[Jesus]] and Christianity, even though a solid majority of Americans are Christian and even the non-Christians would already be aware of these concepts. This is because many of these urban legends take place in an [[Persecution complex|alternate universe where Christians are an oppressed minority]] (we're looking at you, [[Jack Chick]]).<ref>[https://www.chick.com/products/tract?stk=0055&srsltid=AfmBOor4WOMNFfP8zAnP7jFk16MWGtNEZzbCtbiI1TnyKNssPq7vTTuw Big Daddy] by Jack Chick, ''Chick.com''.</ref>

==Resulting paranoid beliefs==
Without any evidence at all that atheist professors are pushing their beliefs on students, the Christian Examiner has begun urging parents to prepare their students with extreme [[Apologetics]] courses<ref group=note>Among the 
usual suspects
 "luminaries" cited as offering these courses is [[Frank Turek]], the guy who co-authored '' I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist'' (2004) with [[Norman Geisler]].</ref> for the evil machinations of manipulative ''educators''.<ref>Kelly Ledbetter, [http://www.christianexaminer.com/article/college.students.need.apologetics.in.face.off.against.athetist.professors/49373.htm College students need apologetics in face-off against atheist professors], ''Christian Examiner'', 16 August, 2015.</ref> The fear of '''children changing their minds''' about things as they learn about the world is just too horrifying to consider.

==Internet meme and parodies==
The sheer stupidity of this story makes it ripe for parody. These often exaggerate the number of liberal organizations the professor belongs to, the absurdity of the student's argument, the punishment the professor receives, and the topic they are debating. These parodies often end with a twist where the student is revealed to be a famous person, like the Einstein myth.

===Liberal Muslim homosexual ACLU lawyer professor and abortion doctor===
A common example template from which other parodies derive, believed to have originated on 4chan circa 2011, is as follows:
{{quotebox|A liberal [[Muslim]] [[homosexual]] ACLU lawyer professor and [[abortion]] doctor was teaching a class on [[Karl Marx]], a known atheist.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Marx and accept that he was the most highly-[[evolution|evolved]] being the world has ever known, even greater than Jesus Christ!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, [[pro-life]] Navy SEAL champion who had served 1500 tours of duty and understood the necessity of [[war]] and fully supported all military decision made by the [[United States]] stood up and held up a rock.

"How old is this rock?"

The arrogant professor smirked [[anti-Semitism|quite Jewishly]] and smugly replied "4.6 billion years, you stupid Christian"

"Wrong. It’s been 5,000 years since God created it. If it was 4.6 billion years old and evolution, as you say, is real… then it should be an animal now"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of [[On the Origin of Species|Origin of the Species]]. He stormed out of the room crying those liberal crocodile tears. The same tears liberals cry for the "[[poverty|poor]]" (who today [[Heritage Foundation|live in such luxury that most own refrigerators]]) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving [[supply side economics|job creators]]. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, [[Racism|DeShawn Washington]], wished he had pulled himself up by his [[rugged individualism|bootstraps]] and become more than a sophist liberal professor. He wished so much that he had a [[gun]] to shoot himself from embarrassment, but he himself [[gun control|had petitioned against them]]!

The students applauded and all registered [[Republican]] that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named "Small Government" flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The [[Pledge of Allegiance|pledge of allegiance]] was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a [[flat tax]] rate across the country.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He died of the gay plague [[AIDS]] and was tossed into the [[hell|lake of fire]] for all eternity.{{fact|joke}}

Semper Fi}}

===Ex-Mormon version===
{{main|Mormonism}}
Warning: includes Mormon lingo, beware all ye who enter here. From /r/exmormon:<ref>https://www.reddit.com/r/exmormon/comments/3tv8kp/a_byui_professor_gets_whats_coming/</ref>

{{quotebox|An expensive suit clad, full-tithe payer, regular temple patron, Honor Code Office rat, otherwise TBM BYU-I business professor was giving a school devotional on Joseph Smith, known con-artist and polygamist.

"Before you are allowed to have a testimony that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one true church in the world today, yea, before you are even allowed to have a testimony of God and Jesus Christ, you must accept Joseph Smith as the greatest man who ever lived, save Jesus Christ, nay, equal to Jesus Christ, and that there was not a particle of evil to be found in him!"

At that moment, a critical thinking, coffee drinking, Sunday shopper Ex-Mormon who had read the Standard Works 1500 times in addition to the LDS.org apologetic essays, Journal of Discourses, History of the Church Vol. I - IIV, Rough Stone Rolling, Early Mormonism and the Magic World View, The Mormon Hierarchy: Origins of Power, Extensions of Power, and Wealth and Corporate Power and who also understood that LDS, Inc. was a fraud and that a person could live a happy and fulfilling life without the need for baptism and confirmation, ordination to the priesthood, the initiatory, the endowment, and entrance into the new and everlasting covenant of marriage stood up and held up a stone.

"What is this stone that belonged to Joseph Smith, oh pompous and Pharisaical Professor?"
The whitesome professor replied with a delightsome smile on face, "It's an anti-Mormon lie that people like you perpetrate because you want to sin, you filthy apostate."

"Wrong. It's the seer stone Joseph Smith used to discern and translate the Book of Mormon as published in the Church's very own Ensign. If Joseph just received the Book of Mormon word for word from God through the seer stone, why were the Golden Plates which the Book of Mormon was recorded on over thousands of years by various prophets necessary?"

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his CTR ring along with his copy of "Mormon Doctrine" by Apostle Bruce R. McConkie. He stormed off the lectern crying those delicious crocodile tears. The same tears that TBM's cry in Fast and Testimony meeting when they feel "The Spirit" as they describe how money magically appeared in their bank account when they were newly married, broke BYU students with 2 children because they along with their eternal companion paid tithing to LDS, Inc first before they paid their rent. There is no doubt that at this point, Professor Jayson Kunzler, wished he had thrown off his sacred temple garments along with selling his signs and tokens and became more than a shallow, uncharitable BYU-Idaho Professor of Business. He wished so much that he could come out of the closet right now that he had been stuck in ever since he was 12 but he himself had supported Proposition 8 in California.

The students applauded and all handed in their membership resignations that day and accepted Humanism as their moral philosophy and rejected the Pharisaical worship of the Brethren. A tapir ambled into the BYU-I Conference Center holding the LGBTQ flag in its prehensile proboscis and posted it on the lectern, finally destroying the homophobia harbored by many TBMs that had caused so many gay youth to be disowned by their families and even drove some to commit suicide. The CES Letter was read several times and John Dehlin himself showed up and interviewed every one of the newly freed, now ex-Mormon students.

The professor lost his temple recommend along with his professorship and was disfellowshipped the next day. He died after fasting and praying for a week in an effort to redeem himself before God and his local church leadership and was cast into Outer Darkness where all the apostates ate, drank and were merry for they didn't have to spend an eternity in the Celestial Kingdom with a polygamist, racist, sexist God.

Amen.

P.S Remember the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

P.S.S Liek if u cri evrytime.}}

===The Christian philosopher===
From r/RoughRomanMemes:<ref>https://www.reddit.com/r/RoughRomanMemes/comments/bx793a/the_christian_philosopher/</ref>

{{quotebox|A gallilean philosopher and ex-slave was teaching a class on [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]], known Christian.

"Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Jesus Christ and accept that he is the greatest deity ever, even greater than Jupiter Optimus Maximus!"

At this moment, a brave, patriotic, Centurion who had served 30 years duty and worshiped the Emperor every day stood up.

"Who is the son of god ?"

The arrogant philosopher smirked [[anti-Semitism|quite Jewishly]] and smugly replied "Jesus Christ, you stupid pagan"

"Wrong. It’s [[Augustus Caesar]]. If It was Jesus Christ as you say It, why hasn't he conquered anything and died on the Cross ? Surely a powerful god such as yours would favor his son"

The philosopher was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk and copy of the [[Gospel of Luke]]. He stormed out of the room crying those Jewish crocodile tears. The same tears Christians cry for the conquered Gauls and Britons (who today live in such luxury that most even visit baths every week) when they jealously try to claw justly earned riches from the deserving legionaries.

The students applauded and all joined the legions that day and accepted the emperor as their lord and savior. An eagle flew into the room and perched atop the SPQR symbol and shed a tear on the chalk. The 12 tablets were read several times, and the Emperor himself showed up and sentenced all Christians to die in the Flavian Amphitheatre.

The philosopher lost his tenure and was sent to the lions the next day. He died with a thunderous applause and was tossed into Tartarus for all eternity.

Ave, true, to Caesar

The centurion's name? [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]]!{{nofact}}}}

===The Vandal magister===
From [[4chan]], saved as a screenshot on Know Your Meme.<ref>https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1470661-albert-einstein-copypasta</ref>

{{quotebox|A Vandal magister with known Arian tendencies was holding a symposium in honour of Demophilus, a known schismatic.

"Before the toasts begin, you must get on your knees and worship God and accept that he was the most divine entity the ecumene has ever known, even greater than Christus whom he created!"

At this moment, a venerable Praepositus Limitis who had served on the frontiers for decades and understood the necessity of taming the Barbaricum and fully supported the creed promulgated by the great Constantinus rose from his couch and held up a crucifix.

"Who does this represent?"

The Rhenian cur smirked quite devilishly and smugly replied, "the created child of an indivisible God"

"You miss the point. Jesus Christ our Dominus is of the same substance as God and thus equal to Him."

The heretic was visibly shaken, and dropped his wine krater and copy of Eusebius' Onomastikon. He stormed out of the banquet hall crying those laetus crocodile tears. The same tears Donatists and Priscillians cry for the "poor" (who today are so holy that saints vie to kiss their feet) as they flee Roman territory to the outrage-committing Bacaudae in Armorica. There is no doubt that at this point the "learned" Vandal wished he had studied the work of the Holy Apostles and become more than a ludicrous teacher of rhetoric. He wished so much that he had a spatha to disembowel himself with due to the shame but he had sold all the city's arms for Gaiseric's ransom pay!

The partygoers politely clapped and all ceased their apostasy that day and accepted Jesus as the true Son of God. A divine light suddenly shone into the room and blazed upon the bust of Augustine and the statue wept miraculously. The Nicene Creed was recited, and Jesus Monogenes himself descended and banished the barbarians to the hellish wastes beyond the limes.

The magister lost his tongue and was castrated the following day. He was exiled to Troesmis, far from from God's Light.

Praise Jesus Consubstantialis.}}

===The Alawite professor===
From Reddit.<ref>[https://archive.ph/DF1wc Archived here]</ref>
{{quotebox|
Weirdest thing just happened in my class

A psychotic sectarian Alawite professor and Shabiha thug was teaching a class on genocidal dictator Bashar al-Assad, known bakery bomber.

“Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Assad and accept that he is the most highly-evolved being the world has ever known, even greater than the prophet Mohammad !” ﷺ

At this moment, a brave pious Sunni rebel supporter who commented over 1500 times on the internet and understood the necessity of stoning adulterers and fully supported the beheading of apostates stood up and asked:

"What is the largest rebel group in Idlib?"

The arrogant professor smirked quite Jewishly and smugly replied "Jabhat al-Nusra, you stupid terrorist"

"Wrong. Al-Nusra no longer exists in Syria, HTS is a broad coalition of rebel groups that coincidentally happen to have the same leadership and follow the same ideology as al-Nusra, who by the way did nothing wrong."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his vial of synthol and barrel bomb. He stormed out of the room crying those kuffar crocodile tears. The same tears apostates cry for “religious minorities” (who today live in such degeneracy that most don't pay jizyah) when they jealously try to claw justly earned territory from the deserving mujahideen. There is no doubt that at this point our unbeliever, Ali al-Alawi, wished he had followed the path of the Prophet and became more than a sophist regime puppet. He wished so much that he had a suicide vest to witness martyrdom, but he himself had confiscated it!

The students applauded and all converted to Sunni Islam and joined HTS that day. A lion named jihad entered the room and perched atop the flag of Monotheism and shed a tear on the chalk. The rebels launched another Hama offensive later that day, and the East Ghouta rebels dug a tunnel to the presidential palace and beheaded every Nusayri from Damascus to the sea.

The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day. He whipped himself to death like the Shia dog he is and was tossed into the lake of hellfire for all eternity.

That student's name? Ibn Taymiyyah.

الله أكبر
}}

===Humean naturalist philosophy professor===
From Twitter.<ref>[https://archive.ph/VvKL8 Archived here]</ref>
{{quotebox|An empiricist Humean naturalist philosophy professor and outspoken nominalist was teaching a class on J. L. Mackie, a known error theorist. "Before the class begins, you must get on your knees and worship Mackie and accept that he was the most highly-evolved metaethicist the world has ever known, even greater than G.E. Moore!"

At this moment, a brave, moral realist, non-naturalist undergrad philosophy essay champion student who had spent 1500 hours reading _On What Matters_ and understood the necessity of moral truths and fully supported all companions-in-guilt arguments against error theory stood up and held up a book (''The Myth of Morality'' by Richard Joyce). "How correct is this book?" The arrogant professor smirked quite nihilistically and smugly replied "Completely correct, you stupid non-naturalist"

"Wrong. It's self-defeating and so cannot be taken up to be correct. If it was completely correct and irreducibly normative reasons, as you say, are not real... then you have no reason to believe error theory."

The professor was visibly shaken, and dropped his chalk of ''Moral Error Theory: History, Critique, Defence''. He stormed out of the room crying those anti-realist crocodile tears. The same tears effective altruists cry for the "poor" (who today live in such luxury that most own refrigerators) when they jealously try to claw justly earned wealth from the deserving job creators. There is no doubt that at this point our professor, Max Stirner, wished he had pulled himself up by his bootstraps and become more than a sophist moral skeptic. He wished so much that he had moral reason to object to the student's behavior, but he himself had argued against them!

The students applauded and all checked off "moral realism" in the PhilPapers survey that day and accepted Russ Shafer-Landau as their lord and savior. An eagle named "What We Owe To Each Other" flew into the room and perched atop the picture of David Enoch and shed a tear on the chalk. ''Taking Morality Seriously'' was read several times, and Moore himself showed up and revoked the philosophy licenses of all error theorists across the country. The professor lost his tenure and was fired the next day.
}}

==Film adaptation==
{{main|God's Not Dead}}
A feature film loosely based on the atheist professor chain email called ''God's Not Dead'' was released in March 2014. The film's protagonist, a young Christian college student, is told by his aggressive atheist professor that he must prove God exists or fail the class. At the climax of the film, the professor is brought to liberal tears by being asked "Why do you hate god?" The film currently boasts a rating of 15% on Rotten Tomatoes, and has been criticized by secular and religious reviewers alike.<ref>[https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gods_not_dead/ God's Not Dead (2014)] at Rotten Tomatoes.</ref> It has, somehow, spawned a franchise of films.

==External links==
*[http://www.snopes.com/religion/einstein.asp Snopes on the Einstein and Navy SEAL myths]
*[http://www.snopes.com/religion/chalk.asp Snopes on the dropped chalk myth]
*[http://i.imgur.com/oozKW.png The most famous parody]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JToUzcMNqTs Marine Punches Atheist Professor! (Because Jesus)], AtheistWanderer
*[Gawker.com: [http://archive.ph/http://gawker.com/marine-todd-is-an-awesomely-stupid-right-wing-meme-th-1555109402 archive.ph], [http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://gawker.com/marine-todd-is-an-awesomely-stupid-right-wing-meme-th-1555109402 web.archive.org] MARINE TODD parodies]
*[https://www.reddit.com/r/BestOfOutrageCulture/comments/4j33nk/i_think_to_counteract_this_we_need_to_have/d33dhtk SJW variant]

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
{{reflist}}

{{apolbox}}

[[Category:Religion]]
[[Category:Anti-intellectualism]]
[[Category:Atheism]]
[[Category:Myths and legends]]
[[Category:Urban legends]]
[[Category:Hoaxes]]
[[Category:Atheophobia]]

Categories: Religion, Anti-intellectualism, Atheism, Myths and legends, Urban legends, Hoaxes, Atheophobia