Ted Cruz

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[[File:Ted Cruz senatorial portrait.jpg|thumb|165px|right|Newest in Republican achievements: Nearly turning [[China]] into the world's [[hyperpower]]. What's next?]]{{uspolitics}}
{{cquote|I do think in the [[media]] there is a tendency to describe [[conservatives]] as one of two things: stupid or [[evil]].|||Ted Cruz, asking — why can't it be both?<ref>Interview with Alex Altman, [http://swampland.time.com/2013/08/08/why-ted-cruz-thinks-the-media-gets-conservatism-wrong/#ixzz2cnxPPCOQ "Why Ted Cruz Thinks the Media Gets Conservatism Wrong"], ''Time'' 8.8.13.</ref>}}
{{cquote|...the only real debate around Ted Cruz’s personal qualities is whether he’s better described as a “creep” or an “[[asshole]].”|||Nathan Robinson<ref name=robinson />}}

'''Rafael Edward "Ted" Cruz''', suspected Zodiac Killer,<ref name=stuart/> a.k.a '''Lyin' Ted''',<ref>[https://www.texastribune.org/2018/10/22/donald-trump-say-he-has-new-nickname-ted-cruz-beautiful-ted/ Ahead of trip to Texas, Donald Trump uses a new nickname for Ted Cruz: "Beautiful Ted"] by Matthew Watkins (Oct. 22, 2018) ''The Texas Tribune''.</ref> '''Sweaty Teddy''',<ref>[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jimmy-kimmel-ted-cruz-donald-trump_n_60935ca6e4b04620270fbec7 Jimmy Kimmel Spots The Weirdest Part Of ‘Sweaty Teddy’ Cruz’s Awkward Trump Photo] by Ed Mazza (May 6, 2021, 12:05 AM EDT) ''HuffPost''.</ref> or '''Cancún Cruz''',<ref>[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/mar/28/ted-cruz-cancun-airport-security Ted Cruz, US senator mocked for flight to Cancún, seeks airport police escorts] by Martin Pengelly (28 Mar 2024 15.45 EDT) ''The Guardian''.</ref> {{lived|1970}} is a [[Canadian]]-[[Texas|Texan]]<ref group=note>From [[Alberta]], natch. He renounced his Canadian citizenship in 2014.</ref> [[US Senate|Senator]] and a leading light of the absurdist wing of the [[GOP]].<ref name="boehner">[http://www.politico.com/story/2016/03/boehner-endorses-paul-ryan-for-president-220855 "In the same question-and-answer session here, Boehner referred to Ted Cruz as "Lucifer."] He previously called the Texas senator, who led the failed Republican effort to shut down the government over Obamacare, a “jackass.”]</ref> 

Like any senator from said state, he's a gibbering [[Tea Party]] nut — an obnoxious [[reactionary]] on every social and economic issue. When people he (and his bosom buddy [[Mike Lee]]) doesn't like make decisions he doesn't agree with, he implies they are [[Originalism|in violation of the Constitution]], because his supporters are morons who respond to divisive idiocy like that. He also looks — and behaves — uncomfortably like [[Joseph McCarthy]]. Or a villain from a [[Barbie (film)|Barbie movie]].<ref>[Gawker.com: [http://archive.ph/http://gawker.com/this-creepy-animated-barbie-movie-villain-is-ted-cruz-1761924418 archive.ph], [http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://gawker.com/this-creepy-animated-barbie-movie-villain-is-ted-cruz-1761924418 web.archive.org] This Creepy Animated Barbie Movie Villain Is Ted Cruz]</ref>

Cruz was a leading candidate for the [[2016 Republican Party presidential nomination]]. You have to remember this is the guy who blew up chiefly thanks to [[Sarah Palin]] endorsing him for Senate.<ref>Quigley, Bernie, [http://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/national-party-news/229989-ted-cruz-the-sarah-palin-phenomenon "Ted Cruz: The Sarah Palin phenomenon"], The Hill (5/30/12 12:41 pm).</ref>  His 'credentials' are beyond reproach. It is truly an honor to witness such a meteoric rise. He suspended his campaign in May 2016; even Teabaggers have no time for a [[Dominionist]] with no track record of successful legislation whatsoever. Ever since then, he has become one of the worst Trump bootlickers in the Senate, even going so far as vote against the certification of [[Arizona]]'s electoral votes for [[Joe Biden]], a move many people claim to be treasonous, especially considering that a violent horde of Trump supporters had broken into the Capitol during the vote, the first time something like that had ever happened since ''[[War of 1812|1814]]''.<ref>https://www.dallasnews.com/news/politics/2021/01/06/ted-cruz-accused-of-abetting-sedition-and-inspiring-pro-trump-riot-by-resisting-bidens-victory/%3foutputType=amp</ref> All of this in spite of the very nasty comments that Trump has made about his wife,<ref>https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/politics/2017/03/08/remember-when-trump-insulted-cruz-wife-they-all-having-dinner-together-tonight/uBbVeyoJs5VJ3cHEVsfdFL/story.html%3FoutputType%3Damp&ved=2ahUKEwiuwJzunInuAhV1ElkFHZDtAiIQFjAAegQIARAB&usg=AOvVaw3KcE_TpFtD9w-P7r-tgfEI&ampcf=1</ref> and in spite of Trump having given Cruz the moniker "Lyin' Ted" (though he did later change it to "Beautiful Ted" in the 2018 midterms<ref>[https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.texastribune.org/2018/10/22/donald-trump-say-he-has-new-nickname-ted-cruz-beautiful-ted/amp/ Ahead of trip to Texas, Donald Trump uses a new nickname for Ted Cruz: "Beautiful Ted"]. ''Texas Tribune.'' 22 October, 2018.</ref>).

Of course, given the way the Republicans took the ball and ran with [[birtherism]] when [[Barack Obama|a black Democrat]] was in the White House, you'd think they would have immediately shut down the candidacy of someone who was born in Canada. Oddly enough, that never seemed to have come up (except in a passing mention by Trump, of course<ref> [https://www.npr.org/2016/01/05/462083872/donald-trump-goes-birther-on-ted-cruz Donald Trump Goes 'Birther' On Ted Cruz]. NPR. 5 January 2016.</ref>). You'd almost think the whole birtherism thing was pure partisanship and/or racism, if you didn't know better.

Former US Speaker of the [[House of Representatives]] [[John Boehner]]<ref>[http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/ted-cruz-mocked-john-boehner-lucifer-flesh/story?id=38732727 Ted Cruz Mocked by John Boehner as '[[Lucifer]] in the Flesh'] by Benjamin Siegle (Apr 28, 2016, 6:22 PM ET) ''ABC News''.</ref> (a fellow Republican and a [[Catholic]]) called Cruz "[[Lucifer]] in the Flesh"- but that's insulting to [[Satanist]]s, who want nothing to do with Cruz.<ref>[http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/satanists-snub-comparison-cruz-lucifer/story?id=38785064 Satanists Snub Comparison of Cruz to Lucifer] by Ben Gittleson (Apr 30, 2016, 11:42 AM ET) ''ABC News''.</ref> Ted Cruz actually gives us a lot of hope. Republicans hate him, Democrats hate him. It's wonderful to see how people can come together, if only in their hatred of Ted Cruz — the most hated man in the Senate, especially since he was one of the six senators who voted to help Trump steal the 2020 election (out of the 13 who initially threatened to vote for such before the failed [[2021 U.S. Capitol riot|Trumpist coup]]). To call him a "clown" is insulting to clowns.{{efn|At least "clown", in the most literal sense, is a legitimate profession which aims to be entertaining on purpose.}}

==My Father, the Hero==
Some of Cruz's ideology can be traced to his father, Rafael Bienvenido Cruz y Díaz. According to stories long repeated by Rafael Cruz on the conservative conference circuit, Rafael Cruz's youth in his native [[Cuba]] was shaped by four years, as a teenager, working as a gun-toting rebel leader with an underground resistance movement against dictator {{wpl|Fulgencio Batista|Fulgencio Batista's}} government (a position that at the time aligned him with the movement of [[Fidel Castro]]). Not long after Rafael turned 18, according to Rafael, he was arrested as a suspected terrorist in his native Cuba. Due to this arrest, he decided that it was best to flee the country and applied for a student visa at various American universities. Accepted by the University of Texas, he moved to Austin to pursue a math major with a minor in chemical engineering (according to the story, the money for the entire trip was sewn in Rafael Cruz's underwear). Knowing no English, he learned the language from scratch and supported himself by working as a dishwasher.<ref name="rafael">[https://www.dmagazine.com/publications/d-magazine/2014/january/how-ted-cruz-dad-rafael-became-a-gop-rock-star/ "How Ted Cruz’s Dad Became a GOP Rock Star] by Michael J. Mooney, D Magazine, 2014 January</ref>

When Rafael Cruz returned to visit Cuba in 1959, [[Fidel Castro]] was fully in charge. According to Rafael Cruz's conservative stumping, he was shocked, ''shocked!!'', that the revolutionary [[Marxist]] [[authoritarian]] he supported was actually implementing [[Marxist]] and [[authoritarian]] policies. (The exact reasons for this shock are a bit muddled, but it appears that Rafael Cruz's fierce commitment to his [[Christianity]] (and Castro's persecution of Christianity) might have played a key factor.)<ref>[https://www.nationalreview.com/2011/11/exile-and-revolution-mario-loyola/ "Like all Cuban-Americans, Ted Cruz belongs to a family of exiles."], by Mario Loyola National Review, November 2011</ref> After graduating, Rafael Cruz got a job in the oil industry, married, had two kids, divorced, married again, followed the oil industry to Canada, sired Ted, and moved back to Texas. Critically, in 1975, Rafael Cruz converted from the [[Catholicism]] of his native [[Cuba]] and joined the [[Baptist]] church.<ref>[https://www.nationalreview.com/2013/08/rise-rafael-cruz-robert-costa/ "Senator Ted Cruz’s father is a conservative force."] by Robert Costa, National Review, August 2013</ref> This led to Rafael Cruz getting involved with a mirror group to [[Jerry Falwell Sr.|Jerry Falwell Sr.'s]] [[Moral Majority]] called the ''Religious Roundtable''. This, plus the particularly bad economic climate for the oil industry under the [[Jimmy Carter]] administration, also seems to have led to Rafael Cruz embracing the [[free market]] zealotry of [[Ronald Reagan]] devotees, a zealotry that he successfully taught to his son.<ref name="rafael"/> 

Rafael Cruz's account of his youth in Cuba has been disputed as partial [[bullshit]] by some who knew him. According to one source, Rafael Cruz was merely an ''ojalatero'', a person "wishing and praying that Batista would fall, but not doing much to act on it." His arrest for revolutionary terrorism may have been an arrest merely for illegally possessing a revolver. In one interview, both Ted and Rafael Cruz described a battle that occurred on November 30, 1956 known as the ''Santiago De Cuba Uprising''.<ref>[https://cubanstudiesinstitute.us/this-day-in-cuban-history/this-day-in-cuban-history-november-30-1956-the-santiago-de-cuba-uprising/ "This Day In Cuban History – November 30, 1956. The Santiago De Cuba Uprising"], by Pedro Roig, Cuban Studies Institute, 2018 November 30</ref> Mistakenly, they claimed that Cuban revolutionary {{wpl|Frank País}} was killed there. In reality, País was killed by Santiago police in a raid on July 30, 1957.<ref>[https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/10/us/politics/cuban-peers-dispute-ted-cruzs-fathers-story-of-fighting-for-castro.html "Cuban Peers Dispute Ted Cruz’s Father’s Story of Fighting for Castro"] by Jason Horowitz, New York Times, 2015 November 9</ref>

==A star is born==
{{cquote|I think we might have messed up again in Texas. We thought Ted Cruz would be an educated, articulate senator with a positive vision of constitutional conservatism. But it turns out he might also be crazy, and not the Charlie Wilson "Let's see how many Playboy bunnies fit into this hot tub!" kind of crazy. Ted Cruz's crazy is the unfunny, dangerous kind, and we just gave him a six-year term. Sorry.|||Jason Stranford<ref>Jason Stranford, [http://www.msnbc.com/msnbc/ted-cruzs-craziness-the-unfunny-dangerou "Ted Cruz’s craziness is the unfunny, dangerous kind"], [[MSNBC]].</ref>}}

[[George W. Bush]] is seen by the vast majority of people in the country and the rest of the world as being a disgrace and an embarrassment. You could make the claim that the failures of his presidency single-handedly killed the [[neoconservative]] movement, specifically the 1990s-style [[Joe Scarborough]], [[Newt Gingrich]], and the "But muh [[tax cut]]s!" types. The Republican Party had to do ''something'' to re-brand their party after that. Hence the "True Conservative"<ref>[http://mediamatters.org/video/2016/02/16/foxs-megyn-kelly-calls-ted-cruz-the-true-conser/208629 Fox's Megyn Kelly Calls Ted Cruz "The True Conservative"], [[Fox News]]' ''The Kelly File'' 2.16.16.</ref> ''à la'' the directionless Grand Old Pile known as the Tea Party, which gave us Ted Cruz in all his glory.{{efn|Once it's obvious this won't pan out either, you can fully expect the far/alt-right to try to whitewash<ref>[http://www.politico.com/story/2015/06/poll-george-w-bush-popularity-obama-popularity-118576 George W. Bush outpolls Barack Obama] by Nick Gass (06/03/2015 06:57 AM EDT; Updated 06/03/2015 08:41 AM EDT) ''Politico''.</ref> Bush and downplay how awful he really was.}}

Prior to his election to the Senate, from 2003-2008 Cruz served as Solicitor General of Texas under Governor [[Rick Perry]]. As a Senator, Tailgunner Ted came to prominence during the party's efforts to obstruct [[Obamacare]] by near-singlehandedly attempting to [[Fiscal cliff|blow up the world economy]]. His 21-hour sermon (technically not a "filibuster", just a waste of everybody's time) on the matter failed, but it was interesting for its wanderings into… well, readings from Doctor Seuss don't often happen in [[Congress]],<ref name=GreenEggs>[http://swampland.time.com/2013/09/25/ted-cruz-reads-green-eggs-and-ham-on-senate-floor-and-thats-not-the-weird-part/ Ted Cruz Reads ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ on Senate Floor — And That's Not the Weird Part],  ''Time''</ref> while [[Fun:Star Wars|Darth Vader]] impersonations are not unheard of in the Senate.<ref name=Darth>[http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/video/ted-cruz-obamacare-filibuster-senate-speech-2013-darth-20372524 Ted Cruz Impersonates Darth Vader in 'Obamacare' Remarks], ABC News</ref> The first time he really made the news, however, was by [[just asking questions]] about whether or not the Secretary of Defence was taking money from [[North Korea]].<ref>[[Red baiting|Senator Cruz]] has also [http://www.newyorker.com/news/daily-comment/is-senator-ted-cruz-our-new-mccarthy taken on "The Reds" at Harvard Law School], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/ted-cruz-respondsand-still-sees-red-at-harvard-law unapologetically], ''The New Yorker'', February, 2013.</ref>  (Ironically, he and his family have [[Hypocrisy|registered for Obamacare.]])<ref>Sarah Ferris, [http://thehill.com/business-a-lobbying/236800-cruz-signing-up-for-obamacare "Cruz signing up for ObamaCare"], ''The Hill.''</ref>

During his run for the 2016 Republican Presidential nomination, [[Just asking questions|questions were raised]] as to whether Ted Cruz, who was born in 1970, is the {{wpl|Zodiac Killer||}} (whose killing spree started in the 1960s). He has so far refused to deny the allegations.<ref name=stuart>Stuart, Tessa. [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/is-ted-cruz-the-zodiac-killer-maybe-say-38-percent-of-florida-voters-20160226 "Is Ted Cruz the Zodiac Killer? Maybe, Say 38 Percent of Florida Voters"] Rolling Stone.</ref> Make of this what you will.

===Mask of sanity===
Of all the supporters of all the clown car candidates, Cruz supporters are the most baffling. They have to ignore so many signs of an [[Sociopath|antisocial disorder]] in order to convince themselves that Cruz is the purest conservative candidate.<ref>Alexander Smith, [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2016-election/ted-cruz-apologizes-making-joe-biden-joke-during-his-time-n369566 "Ted Cruz Apologizes for 'Ill-Timed' Biden Joke"], [[MSNBC]].</ref><ref>Arlette Saenz, [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/happened-ted-cruz-told-year-girl-worlds-fire/story?id=29673686 "The Time Cruz Told a 10-Year Old Girl the World Was on Fire"], ABC.</ref><ref>Sarah Pulliam Bailey, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2015/03/25/ted-cruzs-logo-a-burning-flag-al-jazeeras-logo-or-a-pentecostal-church-logo/ "Ted Cruz’s logo: A burning flag?"], ''Washington Post''.</ref><ref>Katie Glueck, [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/cruz-isil-bombing-216454 Cruz pledges relentless bombing to destroy ISIS: "I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but '''we're going to find out!'''"], Politico.</ref> Evidently, all it takes to do that is repeat the word "[[United States Constitution|Constitution]]" 10-15 times a minute for five years.<ref>He is said to have [http://www.washingtonpost.com/sf/national/2015/03/24/ted-cruz-principled-or-smug-know-it-all/ memorized the 4,543 words of the Constitution (7,591 if you include the amendments)] as a youngster.</ref>

The press keeps hitting at the same issue with this guy; he doesn't want to pass legislation. He doesn't want to govern. He just wants to create the illusion of doing something to placate the people voting for him (the deep-red Texas) and sending him money (the anarchic Tea Party).<ref>[https://www.texasobserver.org/ted-cruzs-do-nothing-record/ "Ted Cruz's Do-Nothing Record"] by Christopher Hooks, Texas Observer, 2018 October 22</ref> Heaven forbid he take any concrete action in a crisis. As an example, in early 2021, [[Texas]] was hit with an unusually frigid {{wpl|February 13–17, 2021 North American winter storm|winter storm}} that left 4 million people without power, causing a cascade of other infrastructure failures.<ref>[https://www.kxan.com/weather/weather-blog/before-and-after-satellite-captures-texas-power-outage-from-space/ "BEFORE AND AFTER: Satellite captures Texas power outage from space"] by Kate Winkle, KXAN, 2021 February 18</ref>{{efn|As [[Beto O'Rourke]] correctly noted, the infrastructure crisis was a lot worse than it should have been, in part due to Texas's strong deregulation culture creating incentives for power companies not to prepare for outlier weather events, and Republicans focusing on "stupid culture battles" instead of actually important items such as infrastructure.<ref>[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/beto-o-rourke-texas-winter-storm-b1803484.html] "Beto O’Rourke calls Texas a ‘failed state’ as 23 left dead from winter storm" by Danielle Zoellner, Independent, 2021 February 18</ref>}} Cruz's response to this crisis? Running away to vacation in {{wpl|Cancún, Mexico||.}}<ref>[https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/18/us/politics/ted-cruz-storm-cancun.html "Ted Cruz’s Cancún Trip: Family Texts Detail His Political Blunder"] by Shane Goldmacher and Nicholas Fandos, New York Times, 2021 February 18</ref> And when called out on this, he blamed his daughters,<ref>Bess Levin, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/02/ted-cruz-cancun-excuse-daughters Ted Cruz Blames Cancún Getaway On His Daughters], Vanity Fair 18 Feb. 2021</ref> which turned out to be a [[Deceit|lie]].<ref>Shane Goldmacher and Nicholas Fandos, [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/18/us/politics/ted-cruz-storm-cancun.html Ted Cruz’s Cancún Trip: Family Texts Detail His Political Blunder], New York Times 19 Feb. 2021</ref> Contrast his response to that of Beto O'Rourke, the guy who nearly beat him, who held an event to help seniors who were stuck without power.<ref>Aaron A. Bedoya, [https://www.elpasotimes.com/story/news/2021/02/18/is-ted-cruz-in-cancun-beto-orourke-texas-weather-twitter/6797522002/ Ted Cruz in Cancun? Beto O'Rourke aids seniors during blackout. Twitter reacts], El Paso Times 18 Feb. 2021</ref> Way to show Texas how much you care, Ted!

For [[Democrats]], he was the gift that kept on giving — until the GOP took control of the Senate.

===Remaking Washington in his image===
In 2015, in a truly horrifying nightmare-turned-real for [[science]], he was appointed the new Head of the Senate Subcommittee for Science, Space, and Competitiveness.  To put that in perspective, this is the man who said that [[net neutrality]] was "Obamacare for the internet,"<ref>[https://twitter.com/sentedcruz/status/531834493922189313 Twitter post] 10 Nov 2014.</ref> proving [[Chewbacca defense|he knows nothing of either]]. And he has been placed in charge of the Senate subcommittee that deals with both. Start hammering out those rock spears and weaving those fur rags, boys! We're going back to the Stone Age!

He has now been appointed to oversee [[NASA]]. You may weep now.<ref>Colin Lecher, [http://www.theverge.com/2015/1/11/7528337/senator-ted-cruz-nasa-subcommittee "Senator Ted Cruz appointed to oversee NASA in Congress"], ''"The Verge''.</ref> Better yet, be outraged because someone this blatantly ignorant has the authority to tell actual scientists and [[engineer]]s what to do.  As chair, he does not believe NASA should focus on [[climate change]] (or Earth sciences at all), but rather the exploration of the solar system only.  This absurd notion was quickly smacked down by the then-Director of NASA, Charles Bolden.<ref>[http://www.theguardian.com/science/video/2015/mar/18/nasa-climate-change-cruz-video Bolden explains to Cruz why he is an idiot at 2:00]</ref>  

Further showing his complete misunderstanding of the word "science", Cruz enjoys wasting taxpayer dollars holding [[Kangaroo court|hearings]] to question the objectivity of climate science.<ref>Politico [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/ted-cruz-climate-change-216577 "Cruz takes climate-science detour from campaign trail"]</ref> On the issue of global warming, Cruz, a [[denialist]], [[Dunning-Kruger effect|compares]] himself to [[Galileo gambit|Galileo]] and his opponents to [[Flat Earth|Flat Earthers]]. 

To give him [[stopped clock|a modicum of credit]], he is at least pro-[[GMO]].<ref>[http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/mar/7/ted-cruz-dont-let-anti-science-zealotry-shutdown-g/ Ted Cruz: Don’t let 'anti-science zealotry' shutdown GMOs]</ref> He is also responsible for the {{wpl|TAKE IT DOWN Act}} making the sharing of revenge porn a Federal crime and requiring social media companies to take it down at the victim's request, spurred by an incident in which Cruz had been forced to personally intervene to force Snapchat to take down non-consensual images of a teenage girl after they had been up for several months.<ref>[https://www.wfaa.com/article/news/politics/inside-politics/texas-politics/senator-ted-cruz-interview-deepfake-porn-take-it-down-act/287-0fde9ce6-a0f3-493a-9073-405e232da496 Sen. Ted Cruz details his proposed, first-of-its-kind bill to protect victims of deepfake pornography]</ref>

==Poisoning the party==
While he's universally disliked by anyone [[rational]] (as well as [[John Boehner|some]] [[Donald Trump|who]] [[Paul Ryan|certainly]] [[Lindsey Graham|aren't]]), Cruz has a frightening amount of power within the Senate and the House. He's already notorious for teaming up with [[Rand Paul]] to shut down the government in 2013, which did nothing to harm the Republicans in the 2014 midterms. He somehow{{efn|Easy answer: To keep the money flowing to Texas.}} got [[Mitch McConnell]] to appoint him as head of the Senate Subcommittee for Science, Space, and Competitiveness, and as the overseer of [[NASA]]; by all accounts, Cruz should have been purged from the party, yet McConnell, to guard his right flank, allowed this [[asshole]] to gain actual authority in the Senate.

The House [[Freedom Caucus]], an [[Orwellian]]-named Tea Party splinter group formed in January 2015, is filled with some of the most [[Joe Barton|ultra]] [[Mo Brooks|right]] [[Louie Gohmert|wing]] members ever seen in the Republican Party. Senator Cruz, once a month, meets with the Freedom Caucus to advise them on how to drive their agenda and champions himself as "standing up to the Republican establishment" while he runs for the White House.<ref>[http://thinkprogress.org/politics/2015/10/22/3714663/ted-cruz-house-leadership/ Ted Cruz Is Tying His Campaign To The Speaker Shake-Up And Conservative Voters Are Loving It] by Kira Lerner (October 22, 2015) ''ThinkProgress''.</ref> This is best shown when Senator Cruz tried using [[Planned Parenthood]] as a [[wedge issue]] to try to shut down the government again in 2015; the Freedom Caucus jumped at the call as soon as Cruz brought it up.<ref>[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2015/09/the-plot-against-planned-parenthood-and-john-boehner/403348/ The Plot Against Planned Parenthood and John Boehner] by Russel Berman (September 2, 2015) ''The Atlantic''.</ref> Cruz became the leading attack dog against Planned Parenthood, rallying [[evangelical]]s in an [[anti-abortion]] crusade, airing [[advertising]] against Planned Parenthood, and insisting that "religious freedom is under attack." This ''skyrocketed'' his popularity among evangelicals, especially in [[Iowa]].<ref>[http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2015/08/25/434667313/ted-cruz-rallies-evangelicals-over-campaign-to-defund-planned-parenthood Ted Cruz Rallies Evangelicals In Campaign To Defund Planned Parenthood] by Don Gonyea (August 25, 2015) ''NPR.''</ref> During the Trump presidency, Cruz was largely responsible for reshaping the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals to be staunchly anti-abortion, including getting his friend James Ho appointed to the court, which includes Texas and is responsible in part for Texas' particularly cruel anti-abortion laws.<ref name=bassett>[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/sep/03/ted-cruz-texas-senate-election-abortion-record How Ted Cruz’s abortion record could cost him a historic election in Texas: The notoriously verbose senator has gone largely silent on the issue since horror stories under the state’s ban emerged] by Laura Bassett (3 Sep 2024 08.00 EDT) ''The Guardian''.</ref> Despite having bragged about reshaping the federal court, he has been unusually silent about abortion during his 2024 reelection campaign, indicating the unpopularity of the near-total ban on abortion in Texas.<ref name=bassett/>

Cruz has insisted that [[Anders Behring Breivik|Christians don't commit terrorism]].<ref>[http://www.texastribune.org/2015/11/15/cruz-discuses-opening-us-borders-christian-refugee/ Cruz: 'No Meaningful Risk' of Christians Committing Terrorism] by Katie Zezima (November 15, 2015) ''Texas Tribune''.</ref>

With his blessing, the Freedom Caucus forced [[John Boehner]], seen by many as Cruz's rival,<ref>Tom Boggioni, [http://www.rawstory.com/2015/09/john-boehner-rips-false-prophet-ted-cruz-for-spreading-noise-every-time-he-doesnt-get-his-way/ "John Boehner rips ‘false prophet’ Ted Cruz for ‘spreading noise’ every time he doesn’t get his way"], ''Raw Story''.</ref><ref>Sophia Tesfaye, [http://www.salon.com/2015/09/01/ted_cruz_breaks_his_silence_on_john_boehners_jacka_insult/ "Ted Cruz breaks his silence on John Boehner’s “jackass” insult "], ''Salon.''</ref> to resign from the Speakership.<ref>Scott Wong, [http://thehill.com/homenews/house/254587-boehner-coup-talk-puts-house-gop-on-edge "Boehner coup talk has House GOP on edge"], ''The Hill''.</ref> Majority Leader [[Kevin McCarthy]], the heir apparent to Boehner, announced his intention to replace Boehner as Speaker, and immediately ran into a wall from the Freedom Caucus.<ref>Jake Sherman and John Bresnahan, [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/10/kevin-mccarthy-house-republicans-freedom-caucus-speaker-214529 "Kevin McCarthy's Freedom Caucus problem"], ''Politico''.</ref> ''One day'' before the vote was scheduled, Cruz met with the Freedom Caucus.<ref>David M. Drucker, [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/ted-cruz-to-meet-with-house-insurgents-one-day-before-gop-elections/article/2573419 "Ted Cruz to meet with House insurgents one day before GOP elections"], ''Washington Examiner''.</ref> One day later, McCarthy withdrew his candidacy for Speaker.<ref>Mike DeBonis, Robert Costa and Rosalind S. Helderman, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/wp/2015/10/08/house-majority-leader-kevin-mccarthy-drops-out-of-race-for-house-speaker/ "House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy drops out of race for House speaker"], ''[[Washington Post]]''.</ref> While Cruz refused to weigh in on [[Paul Ryan|Randroid Ryan's]] candidacy, and the Freedom Caucus was wishy-washy on Ryan as well (in one month he went from "one of the last real conservatives" to a [[RINO]]-in-disguise; it's amazing what being Speaker can do for a career).<ref>Jason Easley, [http://www.politicususa.com/2015/10/18/ted-cruz-turns-paul-ryan-republicans-rip.html "Ted Cruz Turns On Paul Ryan As Republicans Rip Each Other Apart"], ''Politicus USA''.</ref> Ryan's very nomination has effectively mainstreamed the extremists in the Republican Party, embodied most of all by the Freedom Caucus (and Ryan himself).

Cruz's influence in the party is the dirty little secret many Republicans refuse to acknowledge. In September 2013, just eight months into his congressional career, Cruz met with House Republicans privately to talk strategy over the budget crisis, with Cruz insisting on including amendments aimed at dismantling Obamacare in the budget resolution that meant to avert the shutdown. A few days later, GOP lawmakers shut down the government. In October 2013, two weeks into the shutdown, [[John Boehner]] was pushing for a vote on a bill that would have reopened the government and avoided a debt default. Cruz hosted a secret meeting with House Republicans to discuss the deal, and the meeting was filled with many of the same allies who backed anti-Obamacare amendments in the budget deal as a caveat to avoiding a shutdown.<ref>Matt Fuller, [http://blogs.rollcall.com/218/ted-cruz-house-republicans-meet-in-secret-at-tortilla-coast/ "Ted Cruz, House Republicans Meet in Secret at Tortilla Coast"], ''Roll Call''.</ref> The next day, realizing he didn’t have the votes, Boehner and the rest of the House Republican leadership withdrew their proposal in shame. Boehner, who already held off a coup attempt in January 2013, had to rely on House Democrats to end the shutdown. This turned Boehner into a leader without followers, and the party insurgents would confront him with regular threats of challenges to his speakership should he not obey their every wish. At every point, Cruz was there pushing the House insurgents to sucker punch Boehner. By taking advantage of the conservative backlash against the party establishment, and presenting himself as a point man, Cruz personified everything that's tearing the Republican Party apart.<ref>Fred Barbarsh, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2015/09/28/bad-blood-john-boehner-and-the-tormenter-he-called-jackass-ted-cruz "Bad blood: John Boehner and his tormentor Ted Cruz"], ''Washington Post''.</ref> 

It doesn't end there. In April 2014, Cruz hosted a discussion with House Republicans about strategy on immigration reform. A bipartisan reform bill died in the chamber soon after. In June 2014, on the same day that Kevin McCarthy was elected to replace [[Eric Cantor]], Cruz met again with a group of House Republicans to put [[wingnut]] Steve Scalise as Majority Whip.<ref>Robert Costa, Jackie Kucinich and David A. Fahrenthold, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2014/06/19/ccc0b35e-f7e2-11e3-a606-946fd632f9f1_story.html "Kevin McCarthy of Calif. selected majority leader, Steve Scalise of La. whip on busy day"], ''Washington Post''.</ref> In July 2014, Cruz huddled with House Republicans yet again, who took his advice, ignored their party’s leadership, and derailed a GOP border bill.<ref>Steve Benen, [http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/the-speaker-vs-the-shadow-speaker-the-border-crisis "The Speaker vs. the Shadow Speaker on the border crisis"], MSNBC.</ref> Each time, Cruz garnered support from the party insurgents, from everything to Obamacare and the executive action that prevented deportations to millions of undocumented immigrants. Steve King (R-Iowa) even called him a “perfect catalyst” who has a “real rapport with conservatives in the House.”<ref>Robert Costa, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/sen-ted-cruz-of-texas-is-a-rising-republican-power-in-house-as-well-as-a-whip/2014/07/31/10e5a87a-18ed-11e4-85b6-c1451e622637_story.html "Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas is a rising Republican power in House, as well as a whip"], ''Washington Post.''</ref> And once again, when Boehner tried to pass an Omnibus Bill at the end of 2014, Cruz was right there, gathering up party insurgents and devising ways to delay or obstruct its passage in the House.<ref>Lauren French, Anna Palmer and Burgess Everett, [http://www.politico.com/story/2014/12/conservatives-scoff-at-boehner-deal-113280 "Conservatives scoff at Boehner deal"], ''Politico''.</ref><ref>Steve Benen, [http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/cruz-huddles-house-republicans-eve-speaker-vote "Cruz huddles with House Republicans on eve of Speaker vote"], MSNBC.</ref>

Even on the campaign trail, Cruz catered to the anti-establishment and ultra-conservative segments of the primary base. He was the first to support [[Donald Trump]] and adopt his insane policies, from hating on immigrants to ending birthright citizenship;<ref>Rena Flores, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-cruz-birthright-citizenship-doesnt-make-sense/ "Ted Cruz: Birthright citizenship "doesn't make sense""], CBS.</ref> however, [[2016 Republican National Convention#Ted Cruz speech|at the 2016 GOP convention]], he refused to endorse Trump for [[POTUS]].<ref name="HealyMartin">Patrick Healy & Jonathan Martin [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/21/us/politics/ted-cruz-donald-trump-mike-pence-rnc.html Ted Cruz Is Booed When He Refuses to Back Donald Trump at Convention], ''[[The New York Times]]'' (July 20, 2016).</ref> His strategy was twofold: if Trump falters, Cruz takes his supporters, but if Trump wins, Cruz was angling for a possible VP pick. It would have been a win either way, and when it failed, he still had a recalcitrant House and Senate in his back pocket. However he did have to abandon the last shreds of his dignity and become a toady for Trump.

If you had any doubts that Cruz turned the Freedom Caucus into his own personal mini-party, they
actively campaigned for Cruz as he ran for the presidency.<ref>http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/ted-cruz-house-rebels-senate-217099</ref>

==2016 Presidential campaign==
{{cquote|The only joy that came from watching Trump win the GOP nomination was watching him de-pants Cruz at every step of the way—but I can't even enjoy ''that'' now because Trump might make this oil slick in the shape of a human being a Supreme Court justice. I'm gonna be sick.|||Drew Magary<ref>Magary, [http://www.gq.com/story/the-least-influential-people-of-the-year "The Least Influential People of 2016"], ''GQ'' 12.21.16.</ref>}}

On 21 March 2015, Ted Cruz surprised everyone by becoming the first person to announce that he was going to run for President.  We'll queue up some [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_B0CyOAO8y0 fitting] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ songs] [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L8zhNb8ANe8 to describe his campaign for you.] Cruz was only in this race to make other Republicans [[Not as bad as|look moderate by comparison]]—before all the moderates slit their own throats with Trump's help.<ref>Stanage, Niall, [http://thehill.com/homenews/presidential-campaign/274147-desperate-gop-establishment-turns-to-ted-cruz "Desperate establishment turns to Cruz"], The Hill (03/23/16 08:34 PM EDT).</ref>

He also won the first primary in [[Iowa]] decisively, as it's a religious rural state with a knack of going [[George H.W. Bush|for]] [[Mike Huckabee|the]] [[Rick Santorum|runner up]]. However, his supporters spread false rumors that other candidates were dropping out, so the legitimacy of that win is in doubt.<ref>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/02/07/carson-says-an-apologetic-cruz-asked-for-a-meeting-at-debate/ Carson says an apologetic Cruz asked for a meeting at debate]</ref> It was in Iowa that Ted Cruz tried out his best fundamentalist lines, exhorting the Iowa flock to "awaken the body of Christ" and to "strap on the full armor of God."<ref>https://www.christianpost.com/news/ted-cruz-iowa-voters-awaken-the-body-of-christ-pray-caucus.html God's strap on</ref>  Cruz won that primary despite very few Iowans attempting either feat.

===Rivalry with Rubio===
When Cruz was running for Senate in 2012, he wanted an endorsement from [[Florida]] Senator [[Marco Rubio]], who was elected on the [[Tea Party]] wave in 2010, but he didn't get it, and Cruz has been bitter ever since. Both are even taking opposite routes in the Senate: Rubio voted to give [[President Obama]] fast track authority on the [[Trans-Pacific Partnership]], whereas Cruz did not. Cruz pushed for a shutdown over Planned Parenthood, while Rubio did not.<ref>Jason Horowitz, [http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/02/us/politics/ted-cruz-and-marco-rubio-grow-apart-as-their-ambitions-expand.html?_r=1 "Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio Grow Apart as Their Ambitions Expand"], ''New York Times''.</ref> When both launched their presidential campaigns in 2015, Cruz courted the insurgent anti-establishment evangelical wing, while Rubio gradually outgrew his Tea Party label, notably by courting support from [[Mitch McConnell]], Cruz's rival in the Senate. 

Why is this relevant? As [[Donald Trump]] dominated the headlines, it is Cruz and Rubio who had the most to gain as the rest of the [[Primary election|primary field]] struggled to keep ahead. Both were 44-year old freshman Senators vying to become the first Latino President, both are natural born (probably, [[Donald Trump|some people]] think that he is legally Canadian) American citizens with immigrant families, both are stridently anti-[[Castro]] [[Cuba]]n Americans, and both were leading vice presidential candidates if they were to ever falter as well. Cleveland's not big enough for the two of them.

===Et tu?===
{{cquote|It's hard not to find this a little amusing. After all, Ted Cruz helped create an environment where [[populist]] demagoguery would flourish on the right. Of course, he, no doubt, assumed he would be the beneficiary of this… He figured wrong.|||Matt Lewis<ref>Lewis, Matt, [http://www.rollcall.com/news/opinion/cruz-helped-create-monster-thats-devour#sthash.1wHecZfS.dpuf "Cruz Helped Create Monster That Devoured Him"], ''Roll Call'' (5/3/16 2:19 PM).</ref>}}

After Rubio dropped out, and Cruz ran along a bunch of delegates from western states, he was seen as the top opponent to Donald Trump… until he hit a brick wall in [[New York]]; he lost so badly, he was mathematically eliminated from the race. On 3 May 2016, Ted Cruz announced he was dropping out after being defeated by large margins by Donald Trump in the third to last primary state, [[Indiana]].{{efn|Addendum: The spin is that Cruz "outmaneuvered" Trump in [[Colorado]] because Cruz is such a smart campaigner. No, he's not. He got the delegates because the establishment chose to give them to him. If Trump weren't in the campaign and it was Cruz vs. [[Jeb Bush|Jeb!]], those votes would have gone to Jeb!, and it would have nothing to do with brilliant maneuvering by Teddy.}}

The only person who ever even considered supporting him was [[Jeff Sessions]], who instead endorsed Donald Trump.<ref>Ferris, Sarah, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/271109-gop-senator-expected-to-endorse-trump "Trump gets first Senate endorsement"], The Hill (2/28/16, 05:07 pm).</ref> Poor Ted. In his mind, [[God]] tells him to run and even kills [[Antonin Scalia|Scalia]] to make every conservative voter realize how important Ted winning is for them, and then snubs him in favor of ''Donald Trump?'' Did [[Book of Job|Job]] get it this bad?

And let's not forget Cruz picking [[Carly Fiorina|Fiorina]] as his running mate mere days before he dropped out. It was like a ''Sunset Boulevard'' delusion. You could clearly see a moment of genuine worry cross Carly's face. Then she fell off the stage (or passed out from the smell of Ted's chloroform; it happens a lot) while he pretended not to notice. <big>The next President of the United States!</big>

=="Smartest guy in the room"==
===His memoir===
Possibly taking a page out of the [[Scientology]] playbook,<ref>[http://www.latimes.com/local/la-scientology062890-story.html#page=1 Costly Strategy Continues to Turn Out Bestsellers] by Robert W. Welkos & Joel Sappell (June 28, 1990) ''Los Angeles Tims''.</ref> Cruz may have attempted to shoehorn his way onto the ''New York Times'' Bestseller List, but failed because an "overwhelming preponderance of evidence was that sales were limited to strategic bulk purchases" according to a NYT spokesperson.<ref>[http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2015/07/ny-times-keeps-cruz-off-bestseller-list-210254.html N.Y. Times keeps Cruz off bestseller list] By Dylan Byers (7/9/15 5:53 PM EDT, updated 9:42 p.m.) ''Politico''.</ref> His publisher, HarperCollins, denied that there were bulk orders after an "exhaustive internal review".<ref>[http://www.nationalreview.com/article/421039/ted-cruz-book-nyt-bestseller-list-harpercollins-bulk-buying HarperCollins Says There’s ‘No Evidence’ Behind NYT’s Exclusion of Ted Cruz’s Book] by Brendan Bordelon (July 10, 2015 4:23 PM) ''National Review''.</ref> Cruz's book appeared on the Times' Bestseller list the following week. According to the Times, they stand by their original analysis for the first week and the second week's entry is based on the same methodology they have always used in recent times.<ref>[http://www.politico.com/blogs/media/2015/07/ted-cruz-makes-new-york-times-list-210608.html?utm_source=jolt&utm_medium=email&utm_term=Jolt&utm_campaign=Jolt07162015 Ted Cruz makes New York Times' list] by Dylan Byers (7/15/15 6:30 PM EDT) ''Politico''.</ref>

===Working the rubes===
Cruz seems to be assembled from the most annoying parts of all the GOP Presidential candidates. Let's think about this guy for a minute: As a law student at Harvard, he refused to study with anyone who hadn't been an undergrad at Harvard, Princeton, or Yale<ref>Frank-Ruta, Garance, [http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2013/09/how-unpopular-is-ted-cruz-right-now/279903/ "How Unpopular Is Ted Cruz Right Now?"], ''The Atlantic'' 9.23.13.</ref>  (sounds like he has [[Reaganism|a long tradition of fighting for the working man]]). He worked for [[George W. Bush]]'s campaign in 2000, was [[John Boehner|Speaker Boehner's]] private attorney, used to clerk for Chief Justice Rehnquist, and he's married to a [[Goldman Sachs]] executive,<ref>Will Weissert and Scott Baue, [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/news/cruz-political-insider-past "Ted Cruz's Outsider Claims Belie His Political Insider Past"], Talking Points Memo (1/9/16 9:09 AM EST).</ref><ref>Michael J. Moore and Margaret Talev, [http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2015-03-23/cruz-omits-goldman-sachs-from-description-of-bread-baking-wife "Ted Cruz Omits Goldman Sachs From Description of Bread-Baking Wife"], Bloomberg (3/23/15 12:39 PM PST).</ref> giving him extra juice with that company.<ref>McIntyre, Mike, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/14/us/politics/ted-cruz-wall-street-loan-senate-bid-2012.html "Ted Cruz Didn’t Report Goldman Sachs Loan in a Senate Race"], NYT1.13.16. Cruz is still hitting on that [[Hypocrite|"Wall Street Money"]] talking point, 20 minutes after having to discuss the loan from a major Wall Street firm he "forgot" to disclose during his Senate campaign, and only got due to his... Wall Street connections.</ref> But somehow he ran an "outsider, grassroots" campaign in Texas. With a resumé like his, the only way he could become more "insider" is if Barack divorced Michelle and married ''him!'' 

You don't graduate ''magna cum laude'' out of Harvard Law and have [[Alan Dershowitz]] call you "off the charts brilliant"<ref>Smerconish, Michael [http://www.philly.com/philly/columnists/20140406_The_Pulse__Dershowitz_and_his_life_at_Harvard_Law.html "Dershowitz and his life at Harvard Law"], Philadelphia Inquirer 4.6.14.</ref> and not know that you're [[Bullshit|full of shit]] when you make the kinds of climate change jokes he does (''hurr durr ice on the ground''<ref>McDonnell, Tim, [http://www.motherjones.com/blue-marble/2015/03/ted-cruz-seth-myers-climate-change "Ted Cruz's Climate Theories Are a "Load of Claptrap"], ''Mother Jones'' (3/18/15 4:00 PM EDT).</ref>). If he chose the corporate world, this would be the guy who openly says he has no friends, but goes to every event, party or conference with the explicit goal of "networking".

===Not racist, but #1 with racists===
Dylann Roof, the perpetrator of a shooting inside a black church in Charleston, was influenced by the "Council of Conservative Citizens", a white supremacist group.  The leader of said group donated tens of thousands of dollars to Republican campaigns, including those of 2016 presidential contenders such as [[Rick Santorum]], [[Rand Paul]], and (yes) Ted Cruz.<ref>Lichtbeau, Eric, [http://www.nytimes.com/2015/06/22/us/campaign-donations-linked-to-white-supremacist.html?smid=pl-share "White Supremacist Who Influenced Charleston Suspect Donated to 2016 G.O.P. Campaigns"], 6.22.15.</ref> To their credit, Santorum's and Cruz's campaigns said they're going to return the money. Paul's campaign donated it to the families. Regardless, one would do well to wonder ''why'' white supremacists support Republican policies.

===This is my gift, my curse===
Cruz has a made-up super ability called "audiographic memory,"<ref>Tré Goins-Phillips, [http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/10/28/a-massive-plus-glenn-beck-describes-ted-cruzs-unique-skill/ "Glenn Beck Describes the Unique and Impressive Skill Ted Cruz Possesses, but Is ‘Not Comfortable Talking About’"], ''The Blaze.''</ref> where he remembers literally [[Asshole|anything anyone has ever said about him]]; this gives him an "unfair advantage" in debates. Is this the same Cruz Missile who can't even handle debate moderators?<ref>Bradford Richardson, [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/258754-cruz-cnbc-debate-moderators-were-left-wing-operatives "Cruz: CNBC debate moderators were ‘left-wing operatives’"], ''The Hill''. (And once he becomes president he will expect the planet to be baby-proofed for him.)</ref>

===How can he ban himself?===
While working on behalf of then-Attorney General [[Greg Abbott]] (now governor) of Texas, Cruz wrote a 76-page legal brief defending the Texas penal (ahem) code prohibition on "the advertisement and sale of [[Sex toys|dildos]], artificial [[vagina]]s, and other obscene devices".<ref name=dildo>[http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2016/04/ted-cruz-dildo-ban-sex-devices-texas The Time Ted Cruz Defended a Ban on Dildos: His legal team argued there was no right "to stimulate one's genitals."] by David Corn (Wed Apr. 13, 2016 6:00 AM EDT) ''Mother Jones''.  Coming soon to America: No knock dildo raids at 3 A.M. — with a flashbang grenade thrown in the crib upon entry.</ref> Cruz maintained that the government had an interest in "[[Masturbation|discouraging… autonomous sex]]" and the brief equated using them to "hiring a willing [[prostitute]] or engaging in consensual [[bigamy]]."<ref name=dildo/> Texas lost the case on appeal and decided not to pursue the case to the [[Supreme Court]], perhaps because Cruz did not want to talk about sex to a Supreme Court Justice who is also a grandmother.{{efn|Mothers however, are another story.<ref>[https://www.thedailybeast.com/ted-cruzs-favorite-porn-star-cory-chase-is-more-patriotic-than-hell-ever-be Ted Cruz’s Favorite Porn Star Cory Chase Is More Patriotic Than He’ll Ever Be] by Marlow Stern (Updated Mar. 06, 2021 8:50AM ET / Published Mar. 06, 2021 2:30AM ET) ''Daily Beast''.</ref>}} Both the Trump-sycophantic<ref>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/03/28/the-very-cozy-relationship-between-donald-trump-and-the-national-enquirer/ The very cozy relationship between Donald Trump and the National Enquirer] by Callum Borchers (March 28, 2016). ''The Washington Post''.</ref> ''[[National Enquirer]]'' (for bigamy)<ref>[http://www.nationalenquirer.com/celebrity/ted-cruz-sex-scandal-mistresses-cheating-claims/ SHOCKING CLAIMS: Pervy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating — With 5 Secret Mistresses! The romps that could destroy his presidential campaign!] by J.R. Taylor (Mar 23, 2016 @ 14:19PM) ''National Enquirer''.</ref> and Cruz's college roommate (for allegedly using a masturbatory aid)<ref>[http://www.rawstory.com/2016/04/ted-cruzs-former-roommate-just-revealed-his-self-pleasuring-technique-only-click-if-youve-already-had-lunch/ Ted Cruz’s former roommate just revealed his self-pleasuring technique — click only if you’ve already had lunch] by Bethania Palma Markus (13 Apr 2016 at 11:31 ET) ''Raw Story''.</ref> have, essentially, called Cruz a [[hypocrite]].

===Mommas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be This Guy===
But he sure likes him some country music, because [[rock music]] reacted badly to [[9/11]].

''This is literally what he said.''<ref>Grow, Kory, [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/ted-cruz-on-9-11-i-didnt-like-how-rock-music-responded-20150324 "9/11 Made Me Like Country Music"], ''Rolling Stone'' 3.24.15. He has yet to answer the question of how he feels about country rock.</ref>

===Messianic nutball===
[[File:Rafael Cruz.jpg|thumb|right|165px|Guano]]
He's the son of batshit pastor Rafael Cruz, who — among other things — believes that Ted is "annointed" by God to supervise the transfer of wealth from [[Reaganism|Big Government]] to "[[Dominionism|God's bankers]]".<ref name="JTTW">JacobSloan, [http://disinfo.com/2013/10/ted-cruzs-father-preaches-son-anointed-king-will-bring-end-time-transfer-wealth/ "Ted Cruz’s Father Preaches That His Son Is An 'Anointed King' Who Will Bring The 'End Time Transfer Of Wealth'], ''disinfo''</ref>

In other totally unsurprising news, Cruz claims an [[atheism|atheist]] is not fit to be president. A president has to fear [[God]] and [[prayer|pray]] daily.  "Any president who doesn't begin every day on his knees isn't fit to be commander-in-chief of this country," according to Cruz.<ref>[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/ted-cruz-atheists_us_5640b613e4b0411d30719f52 Ted Cruz: An Atheist 'Isn't Fit To Be' President]</ref> No word on if you have to be praying when you [[Oral sex|go down onto your knees]].  For a Constitutional scholar, it's staggering how ignorant he is of the Constitution.{{efn|Remember back when [[JFK]] was running for office and all the Republicans were scared as fuck that he was going to screw over America by answering to the [[Pope]]'s wishes over his duties as laid out by the Constitution?}}

===Truthiness===
{{main|Truthiness}}
In the wake of the shooting at a [[Planned Parenthood]] facility in [[Colorado|Colorado Springs]], Cruz released a stunning ''[[non sequitur]]'': the "overwhelming majority of violent criminals are [[Democrats]]."<ref>Marc Meredith and Michael Morse, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/monkey-cage/wp/2015/12/02/ted-cruz-cited-this-research-when-he-said-most-violent-criminals-are-democrats-now-the-researchers-say-hes-wrong/ "Ted Cruz’s Four-Pinocchio claim that ‘the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats'"], ''The Washington Post'' 12.2.15. Note: Among just the pool of convicted violent offenders, 40.1% identify as Democrat and only 14.3 as Republican.</ref> The research he cited was not studying political affiliation, so the rigor and thoughtfulness that went into the other points were not applied to that ([[Cherrypicking|somewhat throwaway]]) question. It is massively unlikely that Cruz found this article while trolling academic journals years ago, saw a piece of information and decided to try and [[Deceit|pull the wool over the public's' eyes]]; rather, a naïve staff-member probably saw something that aligned with his biases and fed it to Cruz who simply believed it. Cruz is trying to massage the legacy of [[Jim Crow]] — [[Nixon]]/[[Reagan]]-era [[War on Drugs|drug policies that overwhelmingly target minorities]] — into [[Wrong direction|an indictment of the Democratic Party]]. In [[the South]], [[Dixiecrats]]/Republicans pit lower-class whites against blacks [[Southern Strategy|to come out ahead]] in elections. Cruz is just perpetuating this tradition, ''and'' trying to pin the blame for it on the people who aren't engaging in it.

In 2016, he spoke even more boldly, blaming [[Australia]]'s tough [[Gun control|gun laws]] on an uptick in [[sexual assault]]. This increase is likely a reflection of the rise in the ''reporting'' of sexual assaults (i.e., [[correlation does not imply causation]]). It's amazing how the [[far right]] suddenly care so much about [[women's rights]] when they think they can use them as [[Black brute|a stick to beat liberals and minorities]].<ref>Mitchell, Peter, [http://www.theage.com.au/world/republican-ted-cruz-claims-about-rape-and-guns-in-australia-slapped-down-20160126-gme0ah.html "Ted Cruz's claims about rape and guns in Australia slapped down"], ''The Age'' (1/26/16 12:55PM). '''Cruz''': "There's nothing that criminals or terrorists like more than unarmed victims." Was he fondling his gun when he came up with that?</ref>

Even with ''[[The Washington Post]]'' explaining the errors, most people will still not understand it and [[Pseudostatistics|assume Cruz is correct.]]

===Forward to yesterday!===
It's about goddamn time the U.S. embraced the [[Goldbuggery|gold standard]]. We at [[RW]] remember a simpler time when a corporation was allowed to dump toxic waste in the water table without the fear of big government or the [[EPA]]'s sticky fingers shutting them down.

A time when a man was judged by [[Anti-environmentalism|how much he could exploit the environment]] and not what he's done to help it.

A time where a man could [[Gilded Age|treat filthy immigrants as endless waves of cheap expendable sub-human resources.]]

A time where a man could legally [[Gender pay gap|pay women less for the same work.]]

A time when a man could {{wpl|United Fruit Company|purchase his own army, invade a small brown country and declare himself president|,}} if he so chose.

A time when idiotic and unnecessary excesses led directly to [[Boom and bust|the worst economic crises in American History]] (''Only for ''most'' of the last century. Quit exaggerating.''<ref>Hiltzik, Michael, [http://www.latimes.com/business/hiltzik/la-fi-mh-the-gold-standard-20151229-column.html "The worst idea in the presidential debate: a return to the gold standard"], ''LA Times'' 12.31.15.</ref>)

For too long we've lost sight of what it means to be an American. It's about time someone like Ted Cruz reminded us.

Take us home, Ted, take us home.<ref>Matthis-Lilley, Ben, [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2015/11/10/ted_cruz_says_1920s_united_states_economy_was_fantastic_fails_to_mention.html "Ted Cruz Promises Return to Sensible, Sustainable Economic Policies of the 1920s"], Slate 11.10.15. He's convinced that he's doing the Lord's work when in reality he's [[Persecution complex|doing the work of the 0.01%.]] The [[delusion]] is strong.</ref>

==Vatman==
It's not a [[FairTax]], it's a '''Valued Added Tax''', which is different... because it sounds different.<ref>Rubin, Richard, [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2016/01/11/marco-rubio-says-ted-cruzs-tax-plan-contains-a-sneaky-vat/ "Marco Rubio Says Ted Cruz’s Tax Plan Contains a ‘Sneaky’ VAT"], ''[[WSJ]]'' (1/11/16 3:19 pm ET).</ref>

The sad thing is of all the major Republican candidates, his proposed tax policy is the [[Stopped clock|least insane]]. What Ted is actually proposing is a European-style National Sales Tax. He won't admit it, because saying "[[Europe]]" would cause parts of his voters to sizzle and fall off. (It's also known as a "Consumption Tax", which Americans like even less.)  Still too opaque?  Essentially he is calling for a 19 percent federal sales tax that would apply to all purchases of goods and services made in the U.S.  Many of the taxes you pay in the U.S. for things are already built into the price or services so you don't see them on a paper receipt. So the [[poor]] and middle class pay the same or more. Upper 20 percent pay the same, but no more gift and estate tax for super wealthy.  He's also proposing cutting taxes to 0 for everyone making under $36,000/year,<ref>Rubin, Jennifer, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/right-turn/wp/2015/10/30/the-pluses-and-minuses-in-ted-cruzs-tax-plan/ "The pluses and minuses in Ted Cruz’s tax plan"] ''The Washington Post'' 10.30.15.</ref> so everyone's savings should increase. That doesn't mean there are more jobs, and it doesn't mean [[income inequality]] goes away.  

Putting aside the feasibility of ramming this tax plan through Congress, will it work?  Conservatives ''hate'' this idea,<ref>Edwards, Chris, [http://www.cato.org/publications/commentary/ted-cruzs-rand-pauls-strange-embrace-vat "Cruz's and Rand's Strange Embrace of the VAT"], [[Cato Institute]] 11.3.15.</ref><ref>de Rugy, Veronique [https://reason.com/archives/2010/03/04/vat "The Wrong Idea at the Wrong Time"], ''Reason'' 3.4.10.</ref><ref>[[Grover Norquist]], [https://twitter.com/grovernorquist/status/511636249804025856 9.15.14 tweet]. '''Norquist''': "VAT is a French word for [[Small government|"big government."]]"</ref> so don't scroll down the page just yet. However, there are a few baked-in problems with the VAT: Cruz argues that his plan is a tax on businesses, not on consumers. [[Economist]]s argue that [[Phantom distinction|it's a distinction without a difference.]] If you tax businesses, they’re going to pass those costs onto the workers ''and'' consumers. [[Paul Krugman|Pundits]] who claim otherwise are probably being [[Wishful thinking|a bit naïve]]. In theory, it would unfairly burden lower and lower middle class families, since 1) A greater portion of their income goes to consumption because there are fixed costs they cannot escape, e.g. gasoline, and 2) upper-middle and upper class taxpayers can use [[Tax haven|business entities]] to hide their consumption (like they already do now).

Cruz's plan is dangerous for the way it handles corporate taxation more than anything.<ref>Rubin, Richard, [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2015/10/29/ted-cruz-tax-plan-would-yield-big-gains-to-top-1-report/ "Ted Cruz Tax Plan Would Yield Big Gains to Top 1% — Report"], ''Wall Street Journal'' (10/29/15, 10:56 am ET).</ref>

==On his place of birth==
{{cquote|The more of a genuine '[[Originalism|originalist]]' someone (like Cruz) is, the harder it becomes to resolve that 'serious question' in Cruz’s favor. The more of a 'living constitutionalist' someone (like me) is, the easier it becomes to conclude that 'natural born citizen' has gradually acquired the broader meaning on which Cruz necessarily relies.|||Cruz's former professor at Harvard, Laurence Tribe<ref>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/01/15/that-vexing-natural-born-citizen-requirement-what-were-the-founding-fathers-afraid-of/ Ted Cruz and that ‘natural born citizen’ requirement: What were the Founding Fathers afraid of?] by Fred Barbash (January 15 at 8:47 AM) ''Washington Post''.</ref>}}
Cruz is an [[Undocumented immigration|immigrant]] who is [[Irony meter|opposed to immigration reform]]:<ref>[http://www.politico.com/story/2014/09/ted-cruz-obama-orders-110770.html Ted Cruz pushes for vote on Obama orders], ''Politico''</ref> He was born in Alberta, [[Canada]], the son of a [[Cuba]]n exile (and former child-soldier for [[Fidel Castro]], really)<ref>Robert Costa, [http://www.nationalreview.com/article/356934/rise-rafael-cruz-robert-costa "The Rise of Rafael Cruz"], ''[[National Review]]''.</ref> and an American citizen, Eleanor Elizabeth Darragh. Due in part to bitterness over [[birthers]]' claims about [[Barack Obama]], some people ([[Donald Trump]],<ref>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/trump-says-cruzs-canadian-birth-could-be-very-precarious-for-gop/2016/01/05/5ce69764-b3f8-11e5-9388-466021d971de_story.html Trump says Cruz’s Canadian birth could be ‘very precarious’ for GOP] By Robert Costa and Philip Rucker (January 5 at 8:11 PM) ''Washington Post''.</ref> [[Ann Coulter]]<ref>[http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/264930-coulter-cruz-is-not-a-natural-born-citizen Coulter: Cruz is not a natural born citizen]  By Jonathan Easley (January 06, 2016, 12:32 pm) ''The Hill''.</ref> and [[Rand Paul]])<ref>[http://www.cnn.com/2016/01/11/politics/rand-paul-ted-cruz-canadian-born-citizenship/ Rand Paul: Ted Cruz 'natural-born Canadian'] by Tal Kopan (Updated 12:56 PM ET, Mon January 11, 2016) ''CNN''.</ref> have made some hay about Cruz's birth in Canada. Those pushing this should knock it off — unless you're a Canadian having fun.<ref>[http://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-debate/editorials/ted-cruz-i-am-not-canadian/article16220647/ I am not Canadan!]</ref> 

And even then this joke gets old fast. As the child of an American citizen, he would be a "natural-born citizen," and eligible for the Presidency.<ref name=PolFact1>[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2013/aug/20/ted-cruz-born-canada-eligible-run-president/ Is Ted Cruz, born in Canada, eligible to run for president?], PolitiFact</ref><ref>[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/article/2015/mar/26/ted-cruz-born-canada-eligible-run-president-update/ Is Ted Cruz, born in Canada, eligible to run for president? (Updated)]</ref>  Though the appearance of Cruz's mother, Eleanor Cruz, on a 1974 Canadian voter list does give one pause.<ref>[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-smolenyak-smolenyak/ted-cruz-and-the-question_b_8937948.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592 Ted Cruz and the Question of 'Natural Born' Citizenship] by Megan Smolenyak (Posted: 01/08/2016 8:40 am EST Updated: 01/08/2016 9:59 am EST) ''HuffPost''.</ref>

In 1974, his parents &mdash; including his American born mother &mdash; were found to be full-fledged Canadian voters. Being a Canadian citizen requires swearing an oath of allegiance. According to Section 349 of the US Immigration and Nationality Act, American citizens who swear allegiance to another country may ''lose'' their American citizenship. If true at the time of his birth (1970), this would mean that Cruz cannot run for the Presidency since his mother renounced her own American citizenship.<ref>http://talkingpointsmemo.com/muckraker/ted-cruz-mother-canadian-voter-list</ref>  However, the US Supreme Court, notably in the cases ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Afroyim_v._Rusk Afroyim v. Rusk]'' and ''[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vance_v._Terrazas Vance v. Terrazas]'', rendered that particular section of the INA (as well as the old [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bancroft_Treaties Bancroft Treaties]) virtually unenforceable.  So, basically all Cruz's mother has to do is officially say that she never meant to relinquish US citizenship and voila!  She's a citizen again (if she did in fact lose her citizenship).

==Mister Popularity==
{{cquote|What do you call that thing where a person has neither a moral center nor the social skills to conceal that fact?|||Craig Mazin on freshman roommate Ted Cruz<ref>https://twitter.com/clmazin/status/861680716106522624</ref>}}

{{cquote|Is there some rule that you can’t confess error in your state?|||Justice [[Anthony Kennedy]] speaking to Ted Cruz in ''Dretke v. Haley''<ref>[https://www.texastribune.org/2012/07/23/cruz-supreme-court-work-heart-campaign/ For Cruz, Supreme Court Work at Heart of Campaign] by Aman Batheja (July 23, 2012) ''Texas Tribune''.</ref>}}

{{cquote|The chief of the wacko birds.|||[[John McCain]]<ref>[http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2013/09/30/kelly-mcparland-ted-cruz-and-his-wacko-birds-bring-republican-civil-war-to-a-head/ Ted Cruz and his ‘wacko birds’ bring Republican civil war to a head], ''National Post''</ref>}}

{{cquote|If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.|||[[Lindsey Graham]]<ref>[http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/even-now-senate-republicans-still-dont-ted-cruz], ''MSNBC''</ref>}}

{{cquote|... I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.|||John Boehner<ref name="boehner" />}}

{{cquote|Trump called his wife ugly. Trump accused his father of helping to assassinate [[JFK]]. And voters got in on the heckling too, as evidenced [Gawker.com: [http://archive.ph/http://gawker.com/indiana-student-pulls-too-slow-handshake-on-ted-cruz-1774443137 archive.ph], [http://web.archive.org/web/*/http://gawker.com/indiana-student-pulls-too-slow-handshake-on-ted-cruz-1774443137 web.archive.org] here]... This would be a horrible thing to watch if, again, it were not Ted Cruz we were talking about. No one, aside from Ted Cruz, deserves to be stripped of their dignity. No one, aside from Ted Cruz, deserves to be so horribly slandered.|||Drew Magary<ref>Magary, [http://www.gq.com/story/ted-cruz-is-the-reason-trump-won "Dammit Ted"], ''GQ'' 5.4.16.</ref>}}

{{cquote|A running fascination of the 2016 GOP primary campaign has been the steady revelation that no one, anywhere, likes or admires Ted Cruz or remembers him fondly or wants him to be president or wants anything to do with him. His colleagues despise him. The party establishment hates his guts. His former schoolmates talk about him the way you recall a memorably revolting cave cricket you once discovered in the bathtub. Carly Fiorina threw herself off a ledge at his approach. His wife is visibly repulsed by him. His children flee from him in terror. Even his own dad seems, well… let’s be generous and call it ambivalent. Ted Cruz is Earth’s least-liked person.|||Albert Burneko<ref>[http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/farewell-to-ted-cruz-self-made-sucker-1774699995 Farewell To Ted Cruz, Self-Made Sucker] Deadspin.com</ref>}}

{{cquote|In 2013, three months into Mr. Cruz’s tenure, ''Foreign Policy'' magazine identified him as both “the most hated man in the Senate” and “the human equivalent of one of those flower-squirters that clowns wear on their lapels.”|||Matt Flegenheimer, ''The New York Times''<ref>[http://www.nytimes.com/2015/12/10/us/politics/after-making-enemies-ted-cruz-works-at-making-friends.html?_r=0 After Making Enemies, Ted Cruz Tries to Make Friends], ''The New York Times''</ref>}}

{{cquote|I like Ted Cruz more than most of my other colleagues like Ted Cruz. And I hate Ted Cruz.|||[[Al Franken]].<ref>https://www.businessinsider.com/senator-al-franken-heres-the-thing-you-have-to-understand-about-ted-cruz-2017-5</ref>}}

{{cquote|I don't know if I need to send you a surgeon to examine your spine or a psychiatrist to examine your head, but something is wrong with you if you continue to follow [[Trump|this president]].|||[[Josh Shapiro]], [[Pennsylvania|PA]] Attorney General<ref>[https://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/529651-pennsylvania-ag-calls-ted-cruz-a-sad-sack-after-trump-calls-for-his-help Pennsylvania AG calls Ted Cruz a 'sad sack' after Trump asks for his help in Texas lawsuit], Jordan Williams, ''The Hill'' 10 December 2020</ref>}}

{{cquote|We don't need your lectures, thanks mate. You know nothing about us. And if you stand against a [[COVID-19 vaccine|life-saving vaccine]], then you sure as hell don't stand with [[Australia]].|||Michael Gunner, Chief Minister of Australia's Northern Territory<ref>[https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/ny-ted-cruz-australia-covid-20211018-x2mmeopwsndu5livlvuvijfare-story.html Ted Cruz rebuked by Australian official: ‘You know nothing about us’], Brian Niemietz, ''Daily News'', 18 October 2021</ref>}}

==Does he believe in anything?==
In a review of his autobiography, Nathan Robinson writes that Cruz seems to not believe in anything, noting that he consistently mentions things that are counter to his political positions (writing in favor of bringing in low skilled immigrants while voting against exactly that) and never actually mentions why he does the things he does. Robinson writes that Cruz is only interested in becoming President, or at least being a major force in politics, and has no interest in actually governing nor implementing conservative ideas.<ref name=robinson>Nathan J. Robinson, [https://www.currentaffairs.org/2016/07/the-political-sociopath The Political Sociopath]. ''Current Affairs'', 22 July 2016.</ref>

==See also==
*[[Deep cover liberal]] &mdash; Increasingly pondered.
*[[Ron Johnson]]
*[[Sarah Palin]]
*[[Ron Paul]]
*[[Rand Paul]]
*[[Peter Thiel]] — "a friend" of Cruz,<ref>Jay Root (July 3, 2012). [https://www.texastribune.org/2012/07/03/ted-cruzs-gay-billionaire-donor-draws-criticism/ "Cruz Mega-Donor is Gay, Pro-Pot Billionaire"]. ''The Texas Tribune''.</ref> [[PAC]] donor, and fellow [[Federalist Society]] alumni<ref>Ryan Mac and Lisa Lerer (February 14, 2022). [https://web.archive.org/web/20231225042226/https://www.nytimes.com/2022/02/14/technology/republican-trump-peter-thiel.html "The Right’s Would-Be Kingmaker"]. ''The New York Times''.</ref>

==Videos==
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaZGaJrd3x8 Move Over Rand, Ted Cruz Is Making Machine-Gun Bacon]  - Seriously now, is there a contender for the GOP nomination who ''isn't'' a walking caricature?
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWUkUTwnOyI Cruz Missile strikes again!]

==External links==
*[http://dlisted.com/2016/01/06/hot-sluts-of-the-day-94/ Cruz: A Vote for Marco Rubio Is a Vote for High-Heeled Booties!] - "Rubio is 5’10” and Ted Cruz is 5’8″, so this shade is covered with a thick layer of pure jealousy."
*[https://americanloons.blogspot.com/2024/01/2733-ted-cruz.html Ted Cruz] at the [[Encyclopedia of American Loons]]
*''[https://i.imgur.com/T1bqQKZ.webm "Please Lord, let the paternity test come back negative"]''

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
{{reflist|3|80%}}

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