Books of Kings

{{Biblenav}}
The Book of '''Kings''' in the [[Judaism|Jewish]] [[Bible|Tanakh]] is a record of the history of [[Israel]] and then Israel and Judah from the 10th century BCE to roughly the 6th century delineated by addressing each King's reign from Solomon to the end of the Kings reigns and the conquest of the [[Babylon]]ians.  In the [[Tanakh]], Kings (Alef and Bet, two scrolls) is part of the Former Prophets (Nevi'im Rishonim). In the Christian [[Bible]], '''1 Kings''' and '''2 Kings''' are considered part of the Histories.

Dull fact: from the 4th-century Vulgate until [[Protestant Reformation|Protestant reforms]] in 1517, the current 1 Kings and 2 Kings were known as 3 Kings and 4 Kings, while "our" 1 Samuel and 2 Samuel were 1 Kings and 2 Kings.<ref>{{wpa|Books of Kings}}</ref>

==Synopsis== 

When David was on his death bed he shivered all the time. They piled blankets on him, but he was still cold. So finally they rounded up a [[virgin]] to crawl into his bed to give him heat, which she promptly did. But it was strictly business. The noble and kingly King David was a man with a very strong will, who never once took advantage of the situation.

''"And the damsel was very fair, and cherished the king, and ministered to him: but the king knew her not."''

Perhaps it was because his wife Bathsheba was nearby. What was wrong with her body heat? Wasn't she 98.6 degrees F? At any rate, it was perks like deathbed virgin heating pads that inspired men to become kings throughout history. David revived enough to make his final words a command for David and Bathsheba's son Solomon to whack Joab, because David was exceedingly wroth with Joab for whacking his son Absalom. Solomon had Joab whacked in the Temple of Yahweh.

Now it came to pass, when Solomon was elevated to the throne, God granted him one wish. Solomon could have asked for a chariot driven by lions and made of pure gold, or 72 virgin heating pads, but instead he asked for wisdom and discernment. God was pleased, and granted the request immediately:

''"Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee."''

That means Solomon was wiser than [[Jesus]], even!

==The Kings of Israel and Judah==

The division of David & Solomon's united kingdom (for which there is no historical evidence) into the kingdoms of Israel and Judah were the result of a rash decision to raise taxes by Rehoboam. With the exception of a miracle performed by a prophet here and there, the narrative is Boolean: a king is either nice or naughty, then he dies ("And the useful things that he did, are they not recorded in Some Other Book?"),<ref group=note>Sometimes called a "source notice"; e.g  2 Kings 23:28 "Now the rest of the acts of Josiah, and all that he did, are they not written in the book of the chronicles of the kings of Judah?" [JPS 1917 translation]</ref> giving a boring but righteous text. The Booleanisms help with understanding why the even more boring oracles of the Minor Prophets were ever uttered. All dates given below are from Kitchen's ''On the Reliability of the Old Testament''.<ref>Kenneth Anderson Kitchen, [https://archive.org/details/on-the-reliability-of-the-old-testament-kitchen-kenneth-anderson/ ''On the Reliability of the Old Testament'']. William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2003. {{isbn|0-8028-4960-1}}.</ref>

{| class="wikitable"
|+ 1 Kings
|-
! Name !! Dates !! Commentary
|-
| style="width: 15%;" | Solomon || style="width: 10%;" | 971-931 || Gets rid of opponents of his rule. Marries Pharaoh Siamun(not mentioned by name)'s daughter, so that Siamun destroys Gezer, a Canaanite/Philistine city, as dowry. Built the temple at Jerusalem. Built six chambered gates at Hazor, Megiddo, and Gezer. Does not conquer Aram, taxes far too much for a mini-empire (but far too little for a proper empire! He would be considered a pauper compared to Shoshenq I's successor!), gets 666 talents of gold per year, (which is equivalent to 20,179 kilograms, and is equivalent to $750,557,905 on April 25, 2010). He also lost his monotheism during the latter part of his reign.
|-
| Rehoboam of Judah || 931-915 || Three days into his reign, Jeroboam declared Israel's independence from Judah because of a tax increase by Rehoboam. Rehoboam fortified  Bethlehem, Etam, Tekoa, Beth Zur, Soco, Adullam, Gath, Mareshah, Ziph, Adoraim, Lachish, Azekah, Zorah, Aijalon and Hebron. Shoshenq I is only mentioned in the Bible as plundering Jerusalem, yet, Jerusalem is not even mentioned in Shoshenq I's own campaign list (although Aijalon, a fortified city of Rehoboam, is).
|-
| Jeroboam I of Israel || 930-910 || First king of Israel. Was attacked by Shoshenq I(Shishak) in 925, probably as punishment for not helping Egypt(for Shoshenq I united Egypt during the first half of his reign, and harbored Jeroboam I after Jeroboam fled from Solomon) Made golden calves at Bethel and Dan, which, in all probability, inspired the Golden Calf narrative.
|-
| Abjam of Judah || 915-912 || Fought against Jeroboam I.
|-
| Asa of Judah || 912-871 || "Good"
|-
| Nadab of Israel || 910-909 || Usurper.
|-
| Baasha of Israel || 909-886 || Usurper.
|-
| Elah of Israel || 886-885 || Successor to Baasha.
|-
| Zimri of Israel || 885 || Usurper.
|-
| Tibni of Israel || 885-880? || Usurper.
|-
| Omri of Israel || 885-874 || Winner. Second most "wicked" king of Israel.
|-
| Ahab of Israel || 874-853 || Prosperous reign. First biblical figure mentioned in a contemporary extra-biblical text. Most "wicked" king of Israel. Jericho is fortified by Hiel during his reign.
|-
| Jehoshaphat of Judah || 871-849 || Prosperous reign. 
|-
| Ahaziah of Israel || 853-852 ||
|}

{| class="wikitable"
|+ 2 Kings
|-
! Name !! Dates !! Commentary
|-
| style="width: 15%;" | Jehoram of Israel || style="width: 10%;" | 852-841 || 
|-
| Jehoram of Judah: || 849-842 ||
|-
| Ahaziah of Judah|| 842-841 || Killed by Jehu.
|-
| Athaliah of Judah || 841-835 || "Wicked" Queen. Was killed on the command of Jehoiada the priest.
|-
| Jehu of Israel || 841-814 || Succeeded at taking over Israel after over 50 years of fighting.
|-
| Jehoash of Judah || 841/35-796 || Was declared King with the help of Jehoiada the priest.
|-
| Jehoahaz of Israel || 814-806 ||
|-
| Jehoash of Israel || 806-791 ||
|-
| Amaziah of Judah || 796-776 || Conquered Edom.
|-
| Jeroboam II of Israel || 791-750 || Prosperous reign.
|-
| Uzziah/Azariah of Judah || 787/76-736 || Prosperous reign. Followed an expansionist foreign policy against Philista.
|-
| Zachariah of Israel || 750 || Killed by Shallum.
|-
| Jotham of Judah || 750-734 ||
|-
| Shallum of Israel || 749 || Usurper.
|-
| Menahem of Israel || 749-739 ||
|-
| Pekahiah of Israel || 739-737 ||
|-
| Pekah of Israel || 737 (Mistakenly, 751, see Jotham)-732 ||
|-
| Ahaz of Judah || 734-728 || Was responsible for making Judah an Assyrian vassal.
|-
| Hoshea of Israel || 732-722 || Allied with Osorkon IV of Egypt, was besieged by Shalamanessar V of Assyria, and deposed by Sargon II of Assyria. After his deposition, Israel ceased to be a state.
|-
| Hezekiah || 728-697 || The second-holiest king of Judah who ever lived!<ref> {{bible|2 Chronicles|29|1}}</ref> Became sick, probably, actually in the fifteenth year of his reign, on October 10, 714 BCE.<ref>http://eclipse.gsfc.nasa.gov/5MCSEmap/-0799--0700/-713-10-10.gif</ref> (The Deuteronomistic Historian places the sickness and the siege in the wrong order. The siege was in the twenty-seventh year of Hezekiah, not the fifteenth.) Was besieged by Sennacherib in 701 BCE, for refusing to pay tribute. Sennacherib describes the campaign in quite boasting (yet, painfully true) terms<ref>http://www.bible-history.com/empires/prism.html</ref>, while the Deuteronomistic Historian speaks only that Assyria did not destroy Jerusalem, and that that some of the Assyrian forces died of disease.<ref> {{bible|2 Kings|19|1}}</ref>
|-
| Manasseh || 697-643 || The most wicked king of Judah who ever lived! Why, he even cooperated with Assyria! He even put up an idol in the holy place!
|-
| Amon || 643-641 || "Wicked".
|-
| Josiah || 641-609 || The holiest king of Judah who ever lived! Babylon took over Assyria during his reign, so he no longer had to worry about anything! Killed by Necho II of Egypt. Things fell apart after he died.
|-
| Jehoahaz || 609 (July to October) || Falls to Necho II
|-
| Jehoiakim || 609-598 || Rebelled against Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon and died during Nebuchadnezzar first siege of Jerusalem
|-
| Jehoiachin || 597 (January to March) || Fell to Nebuchadnezzar II. 
|-
| Zedekiah || 597-586 || Rebelled and fell to Nebuchadnezzar II.
|}

==&pi; and the Molten Sea==
Of particular interest is {{bible|1 Kings|7|23}}:  "And he made a molten sea, ten cubits from the one brim to the other: it was round all about, and his height was five cubits: and a line of thirty cubits did compass it round about." 

Most attribute this to either the measure of the cubit being variable or the measurements being imprecise - certainly the sums are correct to ''1 significant figure'', even if 1 s.f. is rather useless from an engineering perspective. Some [[fundamentalist|special people]] believe this passage is very clear; [[God]] has the power to change the value of [[pi]] to exactly 3. By far, the best solution to this problem is the idea (without any support whatsoever) that the Judeans measured circumference by the inner edge and the diameter by the outer edge.

==Bear magic==
{{cquote|And he went up from thence unto Bethel: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tore forty and two children of them.|||{{bible|2 Kings|2|23}}-24}}

Elisha (or Eliseus/Alyasa depending on how you translate) was a bald [[prophet]] from the [[Old Testament]] and the heir to the post of Elijah.<ref>{{bible|1 Kings|19|16}}</ref> He features in both [[RationalWiki:Annotated Bible/1 Kings|1]] and [[RationalWiki:Annotated Bible/2 Kings|2 Kings]]. Elisha is a [[Saint]] in a number of Churches, and his feast day is the 14<sup>th</sup> (Julian calendar) of June for the [[Eastern Orthodox Church]].

Having never been one to overreact, Elisha merely reacted as expected of a wise prophet under the guidance of a supernatural being: he used his bear magic to summon two female bears to the location. These bears then killed [[The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy|42]] of the children, mauling each one to death, ripping them to pieces (apparently there were still more who had gone out of town to yell at Elisha, who were mercifully spared and could thus rejoice at the splendid sight of their friends being ripped to shreds by bears).

The instructive moral of this tale is to never call anyone a slaphead or the like, especially near some woods. The local bears might be constipated, and therefore tetchy.

Some argue that the bible is not a book of love and equality, but this is only because they do not know about bear magic.{{nofact}}

==See also==
*[[RationalWiki:Annotated Bible/1 Kings]]
*[[RationalWiki:Annotated Bible/2 Kings]]
*{{cite book | last=Halpern | first=Baruch | last2=Lemaire | first2=André | title=The Books of Kings | publisher=BRILL | publication-place=Leiden Boston | date=2010-07-07 | isbn=978-90-474-3073-5}}

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
{{reflist}}

{{DEFAULTSORT:Kings, Books of}}
{{BibleGuide}}

[[Category:Old Testament]]
[[Category:Old Testament History]]

Categories: Old Testament, Old Testament History