Divine retribution

{{significantly problematic}}{{Sources needed}}{{religion}}
'''Divine retribution''' was previously carried out by a large number of really immature [[polytheism|gods]], but at present it seems an oligopoly has been established by the [[Christian]] [[God]] and [[Allah]]. Typically, they have their own spheres of influence, with the Christian [[God]] punishing Europe and America, and [[Allah]] confining His activities to the Middle East and Asia. They usually show Their 
hate
 love with [[punishment]] for generalised sinfulness — [[Gay Rights|gayness]], for example — and notably [[Gay marriage#Divine retribution|gay marriage]]. Somehow, these disasters tend to hit religious hot spots like Indonesia and the American southeast while mostly sparing San Francisco and the Pacific Northwest. It's almost as if even their religious scriptures say that [[Book of Job|good works]] do not always correlate with good and bad natural phenomena.

The gods have a lot of weapons at their disposal: lightning bolts, floods, earthquakes, [[hurricane]]s (cross-fire or otherwise),<ref>[https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/rollingstones/jumpingjackflash.html Born in a Cross-fire Hurricane]</ref> viruses, tsunamis, and wildfires, to name but a few. Some gods, particularly the Christian God, sometimes engage in passive divine retribution, where the god does not act affirmatively (e.g., fomenting a hurricane), but rather passively by removing a protective bubble around a certain area with a high percentage of sinners.

If sinners escape divine retribution, it just means that God is biding His time.

==Targets of divine retribution==
Historically, their wrath was pretty specifically targeted at individuals who irritated Them in some way, as can be seen from the many biblical [[examples of God personally killing people]]. In modern times, however, divine retribution generally strikes something or somebody linked in some way to the perpetrator of the [[abomination]] that made the two Gods throw a temper tantrum, though with a suspicious lack of precision. Examples are:

*In around 2348 B.C., God set the high water mark for all future acts of divine retribution when [[Global flood|He flooded the entire world]], killing everyone, [[Noah|except eight chosen individuals]] and several million animals, who escaped in a big ass boat.<ref>[https://answersingenesis.org/the-flood/ The Flood - Answers in Genesis]</ref>
*In 1755 on All Saints Day, God sent an earthquake ''and'' a tsunami to utterly obliterate the city of Lisbon and kill tens of thousands of faithful churchgoers, boosting the reputation of [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]] philosophers among the confused citizenry of Europe.{{cn}} 
*In 1861, the [[Mormonism|Mormon God]] started the [[American Civil War|American Civil War]] to punish the United States for its previous mistreatment of the Mormon church and its {{strikethrough|kingpin}} leader, [[Joseph Smith]].<ref>[https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/01/the-mormons-sit-out-the-civil-war/ Mormons sit out the Civil War]</ref> Indeed, the Mormon God's {{strikethrough|polygamist mouthpiece on Earth}} prophet and revelator, [[Brigham Young|Brigham Young]], relayed the message from the Mormon God to anyone listening that the Civil War was "God-given retribution or punishment for Mormon persecution."<ref>[https://www.deseret.com/2011/9/7/20214231/mormons-the-civil-war-and-the-utah-war Mormons, the Civil War and the Utah War]</ref> This put the Christian God in somewhat of a quandary, as He was expected to be the final arbiter of the competing North and South prayers for victory, in a civil war He didn't even start.
*In 1984, God, furious with the [[blasphemy|blasphemous]] pronouncements of the Bishop of Durham, sent down a thunderbolt upon York Minster in York, which is a city that looks a bit like Durham.<ref>[http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/news/1026199.a_bolt_from_the_blackness/ York Press - Bolt from the blackness]</ref>
* Also in the 1980s, God (or possibly Allah - credit is disputed), furious at all the gayness going on since the 60s, created a [[AIDS|disease]] that claimed [[gay]] men, heterosexuals of both sexes, the wives of cheating husbands, many recipients of blood transfusions, and babies born to infected mothers. AIDS more or less ignored [[lesbian]]s, who had received favor in His sight for being "Just so frickin' hot, [[King James Only|thou knowest]]?".{{cn}} This may not have been God's first utilization of biological warfare, as He has been previously implicated in the Black Death plague of the mid-1300s.<ref>[https://www.history.com/topics/middle-ages/black-death#section_3 Black Plague – God’s Punishment?]</ref>
*In 1997, in an act of passive divine retribution, God removed his protections over a particular Kentucky school and allowed a student to shoot and kill or wound 8 fellow students.<ref>[https://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/jeffress-kentucky-school-shooting-gods-retribution-for-supreme-court-decision/ Kentucky School Shooting God’s Retribution for Supreme Court Decision]</ref> This is also an example of God's long smoldering wrath. He was upset over a 1980 Supreme Court decision, but didn't display his anger until 17 years later.
*In 2000, [[Pat Robertson]] prophesied that Orlando, [[Florida]], would be destroyed by the wrath of God as retribution for Disney World allowing homosexuals to attend on "Gay Day". Later that year, numerous wildfires broke out in a ring completely (and pointedly) around Orange County, [[California]], where Disneyland is located. No mascots were harmed in the blaze.{{cn}}
**Not only that, but the first hurricane of the 1998 Atlantic hurricane season, {{wpl|Hurricane Bonnie (1998)|Hurricane Bonnie|,}} ''actually turned away from Florida '''and hit the area where Robertson's television show is broadcast'''.'' Everyone agrees this was a hilarious "Fuck you" from God to Pat Robertson.
*In 2001, God (Allah?) [[9/11|exacted vengeance upon a building full of people from all over the world]] to punish [[United States|America]] for allowing itself to become [[secular]] and gay.<ref>[http://www.actupny.org/YELL/falwell.html Jerry Falwell and Pat Robinson blame the ACLU apparently]</ref>
*In 2003, Allah destroyed the city of Bam in [[Iran]] (and sent various other earthquakes) in punishment for women's immodest dress and sexual laxity.<ref>[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/iran/7606145/Extramarital-sex-causes-more-earthquakes-Iranian-cleric-claims.html Allah's punishment for immodest female dress]</ref>
*In 2004, Allah — as a consequence of his fury at homosexuality, [[fornication]], and the [[War on Christmas|celebration of Christmas]] — sent the Boxing Day tsunami.<ref>[http://likud.nl/extr352.html Allah and the tsunami]</ref> 
*In 2005, furious that his unequivocal message had not been heeded, God sent [[Hurricane Katrina]] to flood the whole of New Orleans apart from the decadent bit.<ref>[http://www.beliefnet.com/story/174/story_17439_1.html Belief Net - Katrina: God's Judgment on America]</ref>
*In 2007, God, furious at all the gay weddings that were suddenly going on in Britain, submerged the not particularly gay city of Sheffield,<ref>[http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/01/nflood201.xml The Telegraph - Floods are judgment on society]</ref> leaving Brighton, Britain's gay capital, unaffected (it was, after all, two hundred miles from the flooding).
*In 2008, God, who really likes hurricanes and windiness in general, sent Hurricane Ike to punish the Internet Tubes for the establishment of [[RationalWiki]].<ref group=note>Okay, we made this one up. But it'd be sort of cool to be considered big enough and important enough to require divine retribution.</ref>
*In 2009, Allah punished Australia with bushfires.<ref>[http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/national/black-saturday-was-allahs-will-court-hears/story-e6freuzr-1225921419125?from=public_rss Allah punishes Australia]</ref> In 2011, He tried to drown them all out.
*In 2010, Allah moved out of his usual sphere of influence and caused an Icelandic volcano to erupt in order to punish [[infidel]]s and disrupt air flights.<ref>[http://palwatch.org/main.aspx?fi=157&doc_id=2087 Allah moves north]</ref>
*In 2010, God caused an epidemic of foot-and-mouth disease for lack of respect towards Himself in [[South Korea]], despite the fact that South Korea is one of the most Christian countries in Asia.{{cn}}
*In 2010, the Haitians invoked God's wrath again, and He caused another earthquake. This time, it was because of the Haitians making a deal with [[Satan|the Devil]] to get the French kicked out<ref>https://web.archive.org/web/20120906033735/http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-12017-504083.html</ref> (according to known nutjob [[Pat Robertson]]). Oh, and it's also the gays' fault. <ref>https://www.salon.com/2012/10/30/fear_the_almighty_wrath_five_natural_disasters_caused_by_gays/</ref>
*In late August 2011, God, in a reprise of one his greatest hits from 2005, "Katrina", sent Hurricane Irene to punish the wicked in New York and send a coded message to Obama.<ref>[http://in.news.yahoo.com/bachmann-says-hurricane-irene-gods-warning-message-dc-074846595.html Bachmann interprets God's will in hurricane]</ref>
*In 2011, God acted in Asia and punished [[Japan]] for [[Buddhism]], [[Shinto]], [[idolatry]], [[paganism]], and secular ideals with a gigantic earthquake leading to a tsunami and other disasters.
*In 2016, God sent down two Kumamoto earthquakes and one Ecuador earthquake to punish worshipers of the [[Whore of Babylon]].{{cn}}
*In late August 2017, God punished Texas using Hurricane Harvey for being… uh… hypocritical Christians?{{cn}}
*In April, 2019, the [[Judaism|Jewish God]] partially burnt down the Notre Dame Catholic cathedral in Paris, in apparent anger over the burning of Jewish manuscripts over 800 years prior.<ref>[https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-notre-dame-fire-may-be-divine-punishment-says-prominent-settler-rabbi-1.7136101 Notre Dame was cursed with fire as divine retribution]</ref> It is unclear if, when, and how the [[Roman Catholic Church|Catholic God]] will retaliate. Complicating the internecine battle among the gods, [[Islam|Allah, the Islam God]], has claimed credit for burning Notre Dame too, but He did it because of France's [[Burqa|burqa ban]].<ref>[https://www.jihadwatch.org/2019/04/canada-muslim-politician-says-quebec-premier-should-have-firefighters-sleep-in-the-church-on-notre-dame-street Muslim politician says Notre Dame fire was divine retribution]</ref> This could get ugly, as the various gods try to maximize their leverage in the disaster.

==Things that are not targets of divine retribution==

* Despite the fact that [[Jesus Christ|Christ]] forbade the accumulation of wealth more ''often'' and more ''unambiguously'' than he forbade anything else (never once mentioning homosexuality at ''all''), he — or at least God, [[Trinity|although they're supposed to be the same, sort of]] — clearly wasn't that serious about it, since America is rarely bothered by God for making too much money. (However, note that England, having a much more liberal clergy, ''is'' punished by God for this, up to and including random members of the public drowning when their feet get stuck in drains, as atonement for the sins of the World Bank.<ref>[http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6236348.stm BBC News - Three dead following flood chaos]</ref>)
* The Anglo-Saxon nations grew rich in the early nineteenth century through child labour and [[Slavery in the Bible|slavery]] — since neither is as bad as gayness, and this was an otherwise pious and churchgoing age, they were relatively untroubled by divine retribution, to the extent that anyone remembers.{{cn}}
* The European heatwave of 2003, although killing tens of thousands, was not divine retribution, since it took all summer and God usually does a better job of hitting the headlines.{{cn}}

==How to invoke divine retribution==
This leaves the question, if I want God to lay waste to some particularly irksome locality, what should I do? 

The first thing to bear in mind is that divine retribution is generally on a per-country basis, and [[Examples of God personally killing people|only occasionally]] more specific than that.

The second thing to remember is that God is perfectly in tune with his creation — he will not destroy through natural disaster anything that wasn't likely to cop it sooner or later anyway. For example, cities with decaying/nonexistent flood defenses will get flooded, and disaster response agencies headed by inexperienced buffoons will screw up the response — ''Praise Be'' that God works so in harmony with his creation!

(Bear in mind that especially wicked nations such as [[Marijuana|the Netherlands]] have not been spared simply because they have well-organized government and technologically advanced solutions to flood defense — no, places like this are ''so'' gay and liberal that their punishment is too awful for this life and [[Hell|will have to wait for the next]].)

And, most importantly, '''primarily sexual transgressions are bad''', though a wide range qualify. [[Ray Comfort]] cites, ''“running around naked, having an orgy.”'', [[Premarital sex|fornication]], [[homosexuality]], [[pornography]], and [[:Category:Sexuality|every sexual sin they [or Ray] can imagine]].<ref>[http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/ray-comfort-warns-america-repeating-mistake-noahs-flood-due-evolution-homosexuality-big-orgi#sthash.P1erSKHj.dpuf Ray Comfort Warns America Is Repeating Mistake Of Noah's Flood Due To Evolution, Homosexuality, Big Orgies]</ref>

So, if you wish God to destroy Raleigh, [[North Carolina|NC]], for example, your best bet is to incite<ref group=note>You yourself don't necessarily have to be gay, just the people in the area.</ref> very large amounts<ref group=note>Units are omitted until someone formally quantifies homosexuality.</ref> of gayness somewhere in [[Florida]]. If you miss at first, adjust the location of your gayness until God hits the target. This isn't limited to gayness; anything considered sin by [[fundamentalist]] ministers works.

In an attempt to test the Islamic theory that earthquakes are brought about by women wearing immodest clothing, [[Boobquake]] was organised in April 2010.<ref>[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/boobquake-puts-clerics-theory-to-the-test/ Boobquake]</ref> Somewhat predictably, Allah's wrath failed to manifest itself.

One of the best ways to invoke Divine Retribution is to use the "[[Texas sharpshooter fallacy|Texas Sharpshooter]]" fallacy on any applicable natural disaster. Did some hurricane just blow through Florida? Blame the gays. Another earthquake in Japan? That's because the Japanese don't worship Allah.

==See also==

* [[List of actions prohibited by the Bible#Old Testament|List of actions prohibited by the Old Testament]]
* [[Ad hoc]]
* [[Examples of God personally killing people|Biblical examples of God personally killing people]]
* [[European witch-hunts]]
* [[Excommunication]]
* [[Fun:Hangover|Hangover]]
* [[Imprecatory prayer]]
* [[Shoehorning]]
* [[Smallpox]]
* [[Types of people who go to Hell]]

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
{{reflist|2|80%}}

[[category:Religion]]

Categories: Religion