Ted Haggard

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[[Image:Ted haggard with friends cartoony.png|thumb|right|165px|Don we now our gay apparel.]]
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{{hatnote|Not to be confused with a [[Haggard's Law|homosexual preacher]], or indeed any other person who is [[gay]].}}
{{cquote|"We never had [[Equivocation|''sex'' sex]]. I bought drugs and a massage from him, and he [[Sex|masturbated me]] at the end of it. That's ''it''."|||Ted Haggard<ref>[http://www.gq.com/news-politics/newsmakers/201102/pastor-ted-haggard?printable=true The Last Temptation of Ted]</ref>}}[[File:Forgiven-blackshear.jpg|thumb|165px|right|''Forgiven'', by {{wpl|Thomas Blackshear}}, one of the images decorating Haggard's World Prayer Center.]][[image:DawkinFriends.jpg|thumb|right|165px|Ted Haggard molesting [[Richard Dawkins]]]]
'''Ted Haggard''' {{lived|1956}} is the totally not-gay<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ "Ted Haggard Is Completely Heterosexual" by Roy Zimmerman]</ref> (remember that; it's important to know) former head of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, [[Colorado]]. In 2007, Haggard was exposed as a [[methamphetamine]] user and a regular customer of Denver's male [[prostitute]]s. We must assume that money the faithful gave him was ''never'' used in this way. After a month of intensive "[[reparative therapy|therapy]]", he was pronounced<ref>[http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=569 Savage Love: How'd That Happen?!] by Dan Savage (Mar 25, 1999). The story of another "200% straight" guy.</ref>  "100% [[heterosexual]]" and announced that he was going for a master's degree at the University of Phoenix.

The reason Ted Haggard chose the homosexual lifestyle is that [[Satan]] has a presence in the Church, which is why people can still have impure thoughts in church. Even though Satan can find his way into the Church, rest assured, there is no way that Satan found his way into the [[Bible]] long ago and twisted the whole book, because the Bible says so: ''Every word of [[God]] is pure: He is a shield unto them that put their trust in Him.''<ref>{{bible|Proverbs|30|5}}</ref> This shield does not cover his gay interests, however.

Haggard was a member of the [[Southern Baptist Convention]]<ref>[http://m.bpnews.net/24332/ted-haggard-resigns-as-nae-president-amid-accusations Ted Haggard resigns as NAE president amid accusations] (November 03, 2006) ''Baptist Press''.</ref> until he decided to switch-hit for the [[Methodists]].<ref>[https://saintjameschurch.com/aboutthepastors/ About Pastor Ted & Gayle Haggard] ''Saint James Church''.</ref>

The next section is the only thing that matters in this article, so don't bother reading the rest.

==He's ''not'' gay==
{{main|Not gay}}
Seriously, he's not. He is maybe 30% gay, but he's like 200% heterosexual AND he has the pure shield of God combined with the magic powers of reparative therapy and his wife. It cannot be stressed too highly &ndash; no, he's <b>not</b> [[gay]].

<small>Seriously guys, he ''isn't'' gay. It has to be said again: Ted Haggard is not [[gay]].</small>

<small><small>I mean, like, there's just NO WAY he could be gay.</small></small>

<small><small><small>And anyone even suggesting that he's gay should be punished severely.</small></small></small>

<small><small><small><small>Even in text so ridiculously tiny that you'd have to zoom to read it.</small></small></small></small>

<small><small><small><small><small>Seriously. He's not gay. At all.</small></small></small></small></small>

<small><small><small><small><small><small> He's a little gay. </small></small></small></small></small></small>

==New Life Church==
{{cquote|Evangelicals have the best sex life of any group.|||Ted Haggard<ref>[http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Beliefs/story?id=2813078&page=1 ABC News]</ref>}}
Ted Haggard founded the New Life Church in 1984. Locals often refer to it as "6 Flags Over [[Jesus]]" due to its enormous size and bizarrely-large number of flags out front. Attendance has been limp (!) since Ted's fall from [[grace]].

==Update==
Rev. Haggard has apparently left the "restoration" process after three weeks. He has been advised to seek [[secular]] work and is studying to be a counselor.<ref>[http://www.denverpost.com/colleges/ci_5164921 Haggard says he is "completely heterosexual"]</ref> We must pity his secular victims.

In 2007, Haggard begged the gullible public for money to finance himself and his wife while studying online and moved with her into rehabilitation. He asked donations to be sent to a [[tax-exempt]] organisation that was dissolved several months previously.
His resources include the following:
#$85,000 anniversary bonus given before the scandal,
#$115,000 for the 10 months he worked,
#$138,000 in severance,
#$700,000 for the hovel where he lives,
#Unknown amount in royalties for the morally-uplifting books he wrote.

==Post-scandal career==
After losing his credibility and the possibility of continuation for his ministerial career, Haggard has had to build a new life for himself in the secular world. The path he seems to have chosen, according to his personal website, is the shady world of life insurance sales.<ref>[http://www.tedhaggard.com/Life_Insurance.htm Haggard's website on his new career]</ref> His business model bears a scary resemblance to [[pyramid scheme|another certain business practice with a ''distinct'' triangular shape]] and other such [[Get-rich-quick scheme|get-rich-quick scams]] out there on the Internet, proving once and for all that life in the church really does give you an education in parting the gullible from their cash ''and'' that life in the church fails to make people heterosexual.

Haggard and his wife (a woman) appeared on the reality TV series ''Celebrity Wife Swap'' in 2012.<ref>[http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/showtracker/2011/09/gary-busey-ted-haggard-to-appear-on-celebrity-wife-swap.html Los Angeles Times]</ref>

Regarding that wife, Haggard admitted that if he were 21 in today's society, he would identify as [[Bisexuality|bisexual]].<ref>[http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ted-haggard-says-hes-bisexual/ CBS News]</ref> He noted in the same interview that he's perfectly satisfied having sex with his wife.

==Trivia==
Scandals aside, there is good evidence that Mr. Haggard was an extremely bad man. When meeting with a ten-year-old with aspirations of becoming a [[Christian]] preacher, Haggard mocked the child's speaking skills, informing the child that he could trade on his youth and enthusiasm until he gained some "real material."<ref>In ''[[Jesus Camp]]'', the documentary film, Haggard mocks the young Levi in this fashion.</ref>

By sheer coincidence, Ted Haggard is also the slightly-opinionated preacher who briefly appeared and was interviewed by Richard Dawkins in the documentary ''The Root of All Evil?'',<ref>[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmMv0ceWTVQ Richard Dawkins Interviews Ted Haggard]</ref> which was filmed in early 2006 before the scandal.

Haggard's "World Prayer Center" was lavishly illustrated with intriguing, high-camp fantasy art by a number of contemporary figurative artists, including curiously muscular and busty angels depicted by the neo-symbolist fantasy painter Thomas Blackshear.<ref>John Coulthart, [http://www.johncoulthart.com/feuilleton/2006/11/03/gay-for-god/ Gay for God], Nov. 3, 2006.</ref><ref>Noel Black, [http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/ted-haggards-crystal-cathedral/Content?oid=100742 Ted Haggard's Crystal Cathedral: A Visit to the Gayest Place on Earth], The Stranger.</ref><ref group=note>Blackshear really is quite good; in addition to standard high-camp reference points like Frank Frazetta, his work often evokes the work of decadent and Symbolist painters like {{wpl|Gustav Klimt}}, {{wpl|Fernand Khnopff}} and {{wpl|Pierre Puvis de Chavannes||.}}</ref>

==See also==
*[[Larry Craig]]
*[[Haggard's Law]]
*'''''Not'' [[Gay]]'''

==External links==
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZmHC75FDqQ Ted Haggard is Completely Heterosexual]
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZFQn9AiVjY Love Letter to Ted Haggard]
*[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tF5d-eKGsds The revival song]

==Notes==
{{reflist|group=note}}

==References==
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{{DEFAULTSORT:Haggard, Ted}}
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[[Category:Christians]]
[[Category:Completely heterosexual]]
[[Category:Culture wars]]
[[Category:Homophobes]]
[[Category:Living people]]
[[Category:Ministers]]
[[Category:Right-wing activists]]
[[Category:Shysters]]
[[Category:We're on a mission from God]]

Categories: Anti-abortion activists, Baptists, Business, Christians, Completely heterosexual, Culture wars, Homophobes, Living people, Ministers, Right-wing activists, Shysters, We're on a mission from God