Dolphin

[[Image:NewAgeDolphin.jpg|right|thumb|165px|[[Chakra]] balancing: you're doing it wrong.]]{{newage}}{{cquote|I'll lead you through an internal experience to call forth your inner dolphin, and then we'll bring our inner dolphin out, so that  we're completely immersed in our dolphin aspect… that is us.|||Wait, what?!<ref>[[Penn & Teller: Bullshit!]]'', episode 6.04, ''Dolphins''</ref>}}

'''Dolphins''' come from Miami, [[Florida]] and generally are this 
annoying
 gorgeous teal color, which ticks off some {{wpl|Cetacea|cetaceans}}<ref group="Note">"Cetacea" literally being [[Latin]] for "huge fish". [https://web.archive.org/web/20160327235028/http://aquaticmammalsjournal.org/share/AquaticMammalsIssueArchives/2001/AquaticMammals_27-02/27-02_Ranneft.PDF No kidding].</ref> who happen to live near the dolphins.

==Dolphin woo==
<!-- The original hyperlinks to Google image searches break the cquote if not placed as notes. So, leave'em like notes. Thanks. -->
{{cquote| This stuff is all horrible, a blight on human existence.<ref group="Note">[http://images.google.com/images?q=dolphin+and+rainbow Google image search: dolphin and rainbow]</ref> It’s so bad I think it actually discourages people from becoming marine biologists. And let’s not even start with dolphin and rainbow tattoos.<ref group="Note">[http://images.google.com/images?q=dolphin+and+rainbow+tattoos Google image search: dolphin and rainbow tattoos]</ref> Or the “very unique” dolphin on the ankle tattoo!<ref group="Note">[http://images.google.com/images?q=dolphin+tattoo+ankle Google image search: dolphin tattoo ankle]</ref> There is only [http://www.geekologie.com/2011/06/02/bottlenose-amputee.jpg one cool dolphin tattoo].|||Craig McClain, marine biologist<ref>http://www.deepseanews.com/about/mcclain/</ref> (Google image searches in original<ref>http://www.deepseanews.com/2013/02/10-reasons-why-dolphins-are-aholes/</ref>)}}
Lots of [[woo]] floats around about dolphins, perhaps because they constantly (seem to) smile, perhaps because they sing, or perhaps because they are really the possessors of the truth to the number [[fun:42|42]].
[[Image:Lipotes vexillifer.png|left|thumb|The Baiji (''Lipotes vexillifer''), a [[Chinese]] freshwater dolphin now believed to have been [[Fun:Delicious|delicious]].]]

Patient zero for dolphin woo appears to have been {{wpl|John C. Lilly||,}} who experimented with dolphin communication while on [[Near-death experience#Ketamine|ketamine]] in between getting the [[CIA]] to buy him [[LSD]]. Lilly designed a semiaquatic office that a female lab assistant could work in alongside the dolphins they were trying to teach linguistic communication. One of the dolphins eventually made it clear he wanted to have sex with her. It was discovered the dolphin actually performed much better on the tests when his [[linguistics]] teacher sexually satisfied him. Strangely, as soon as word got out about the incident, Dr. Lilly's funding and reputation were lost.<ref>http://mentalfloss.com/article/26483/4-bizarre-experiments-should-never-be-repeated</ref>

Many dolphin supremacists believe they are all intelligent and beautiful and peaceful; however, like many humans, dolphins are known to be vicious predatory bastards who will [[rape]] a wide assortment of creatures to death with a smile.<ref>[http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2009/05/13/dolphins_are_violent_predators_that_kill_their_own_babies.html The Dark Secrets That Dolphins Don't Want You to Know]</ref>

At the same time, [[social conservative|social]] and [[Religious Right|religious conservatives]] hate dolphins because they are proof that [[sex]] for pleasure is completely natural.{{nofact}} They are also proof that icky things like [[masturbation]],  [[homosexuality]], [[incest]], [[paedophilia]], [[rape]], and inter-species sex are natural too, even in mothers.<ref>http://deepseanews.com/2013/02/10-reasons-why-dolphins-are-aholes/</ref><ref>[http://archives.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/06/04/uk.dolphin/index.html CNN: Amorous Dolphin Targets Human Swimmers]</ref><ref> Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity, Bruce Bagemihl.</ref> Although conservatives hating an [[animal]] that seemingly goes to [[war]] with other dolphins<ref>[http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1051936/Surf-wars-Dolphins-hungry-theyre-turning-British-seas.html Dolphins are 'so hungry they're turning on each other': Surf war breaks out in British seas], ''Daily Fail''</ref> and on humanity's behalf<ref>[http://www.zoenature.org/2012/01/dolphins-deployed-to-persian-gulf/ Dolphins Deployed to Persian Gulf]</ref> (to the [[New Age]]rs' consternation) seems a little illogical. Perhaps creationists hate them because they are a constant reminder of mammals' evolutionary adaptability.

Dolphin woo was parodied in one [[South Park]] episode where the character Gerald Broflovski idolizes dolphins and asks {{wpl|Stanley_Biber|Dr. Biber}} for "dolphinoplasty" surgery to become one.<ref>[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KjEmcIQE9L4 South Park - Gerald Is a Dolphin]</ref>

==Dolphin facts==
Dolphins are vicious [[asshole]]s who, like [[humans]] and house [[cats]], murder other animals for fun as opposed to for food or territory. They have been witnessed bludgeoning their young to death.<ref>[http://www.nytimes.com/1999/07/06/health/evidence-puts-dolphins-in-new-light-as-killers.html?pagewanted=all&src=pm Dear God, they're exactly like us.]</ref>

Among their wide assortment of assholish behaviors are intense [[ethnic cleansing]] campaigns against porpoises.<ref>https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/earth/earthnews/3323070/Killer-dolphins-baffle-marine-experts.html Seriously.</ref> Since porpoises are, among other things, too small to threaten dolphins, it seems dolphins are just [[sociopath]]s who know that nothing in the ocean and no human beings outside [[Japan]] and [[Denmark]] will ever take them to task.

Due to evolution being a cruel bastard, female bottlenose dolphins won't ovulate when rearing young, so male dolphins may murder her baby in order to later rape her.<ref>[http://www.bbc.com/earth/story/20150716-dolphins-that-kill-their-young BBC]</ref>  This makes dolphins second in evil only to ducks.

Incestuous pregnancy is not uncommon amongst younger females, though this is less due to a choice to commit incest and more that the young females are not strong enough to resist rape by local males, which includes the male that raped her mother.

They're also known to [[Bestiality|hump people]].<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Ml5IjwLNe4</ref><ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j75KdkV7n2o</ref> Hide yo kids, hide yo wife!

==Ichthyosaurs==
[[File:Ichthyosaurus BW.jpg|thumb|Flipper? You've... changed.]]
Ichthyosaurs are not dolphins, but an excellent example of [[convergent evolution]] due to having lived in the same environmental niche, except hundreds of millions of years earlier. They were marine reptiles that were not [[dinosaur]]s, but coexisted 
peacefully
 with them. They died out around 90 million years ago. As colors are usually not preserved in the fossil record, the telltale sign which is which is the direction of the tail fin.

==See also==
*[[Mammal]]
*[[Goat]]
*[[Wolf hysteria]]

==External links==
*[http://theoatmeal.com/comics/dolphin_punch 5 Very Good Reasons to Punch a Dolphin in the Mouth]
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20140709005201/http://www.theonion.com/articles/dolphins-evolve-opposable-thumbs,284/ Dolphins develop opposable thumbs]
*[http://www.insolitology.com/guides/fuckdolphin.htm This is the most hilarious dolphin woo BS ever to grace the web.]  A mirror of a defunct site that was once popular in the same way as Goatse.cx (Not safe for work.)
*[http://web.archive.org/web/20120107155058/http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2009-04/14/content_11184581.htm Dolphins. Don't screw with 'em.]
*[http://www.joanocean.com/SYMP011/index.html The Dolphins and Teleportation Symposium, Hawaii, 2011.] So much good on one single webpage.
*[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rynvewVe21Y And now they're domesticating cats.]
*[http://www.nature.com/news/dolphins-remember-each-other-for-decades-1.13519 Hey, where were you for all this time?]
*[http://www.kongregate.com/games/arawkins/dolphin-olympics-2/ So long and thanks for all the fish.]

==Notes==
<references group="Note"/>

==References==
{{Reflist|2}}

[[Category:Animals]]
[[Category:New Age]]
[[Category:Woo]]
[[Category:Sexuality]]

Categories: Animals, New Age, Woo, Sexuality