Romantic idealization

Categories: Emotions

[[File:John_William_Waterhouse_-_La_Belle_Dame_sans_Merci_(1893).jpg|thumb|right|300px|She's just [[shit test|testing]] him and is [[resources for orgasms|wanting his resources]]]]
'''Romantic idealization''' refers a naive conception of the significance of "true love", spiritual kinship, individual choice, [[beauty|aesthetics]] etc. for relationship satisfaction, motivating men's [[courtship]] and pair-bonding behavior. It typically involves [[History of female sex-favoritism|putting the woman on a pedestal]] and concealing the mundane transactional, materialistic, [[eugenics|eugenicist]] and [[dominance hierarchy|competitive]] nature of human sexual [[relationship]]s, which, in modern context, may even act as [[virtue signaling|political signaling]]. Like most other courtship behavior, romancing has the biological purpose of displaying the quality of the man's genes and acts as a [[costly signal]] of his ability and willingness to his [[hypergamy|invest resources]] in the woman and future offspring.
[[Women]], on the other hand, even though they enjoy being courted and anticipate falling in love more than men, are completely aromantic and [[Sex drive#Female_passivity|passive]].

Ninety percent of the time one can correctly predict "love on first sight" plainly based on [[beauty|physical attractiveness]],<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Love_at_first_sight_can_be_predicted_by_physical_attractiveness</ref> suggesting there is nothing magical about such romantic moments, but mere genetic and/or aesthetic judgement.
Furthermore, [[arranged marriage]]s do not differ from "love [[marriages]]" in terms of [[relationship]] satisfaction, and they actually last longer. Partners an arranged marriages get used to each other over time, and presumably addicted to each other by [[endorphins]] released during [[sex]]. In one study, romantic idealization was no predictor of relationship satisfaction.<ref>https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781410610249-14/first-sexual-involvement-romantic-relationships-empirical-investigation-communicative-framing-romantic-beliefs-attachment-orientation-passion-turning-point-sandra-metts</ref>
== Costly signaling ==
{{main_article|[[Signaling theory]]}}
Costly romantic signaling may consist in relinquishing other plans just for the woman, or spending a lot of time crafting a gift or perfecting a skill just for her. The more expensive, i.e. more romantic the courtship is, the more valuable the woman becomes in men's eyes<ref name="eibl">Eibl-Eibesfeldt I. 1989. ''Pair Formation, Courtship, Sexual Love.'' In: ''Human Ethology.'' Rougtledge. [[https://books.google.com/books?id=-CExDwAAQBAJ&lpg=PT6&ots=KctjD7Zprm&dq=Pair%20Formation%2C%20Courtship%2C%20Sexual%20Love&pg=PT335#v=onepage&q=Pair%20Formation,%20Courtship,%20Sexual%20Love&f=false Excerpt]]</ref> as a result of sunk cost fallacy.<ref>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vpnxd31y0Fo</ref> Hence, playing coy and downplaying their sexual interest, women can provoke more expensive courtship display and can [[female sneakiness|trick]] men into more reliable resource investment.

Women have evolved this behavior as they depended on men's resources throughout human evolution.<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill_(Supplemental)#Women_were_historically_predominantly_involved_in_cooking_and_they_never_dominated_men</ref> How much women desire such signals of investment is evidenced by their much greater expectation that any given hookup results in heavy romantic investment on part of the man, e.g. 60% of women said they hoped a recent hookup would lead to a romantic relationship compared to only 13% of men.<ref>[https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12220 http://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12220] (Weitbrecht 2017)</ref> Further, even feminist women prefer men who take care for them.<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill_(Supplemental)#Even_feminist_women_tend_to_prefer_men_who_patronize_and_care_for_them</ref> Romance novels are also almost exclusively consumed by women and account for 40% of mass paperback sales in the United States.<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Women_are_drawn_more_than_men_to_nonfiction_stories_of_rape.2C_murder.2C_and_serial_killers</ref>
How little women are interested in relationships beyond the initial transaction of resources is evidenced by their much more quickly fading sexual interest.<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Women_rapidly_lose_interest_in_sex_once_in_a_stable_relationship_or_living_with_a_man</ref>
This [[female solipsism|solipsistic desire]] to be cared for appears to be also a main driver of [[feminism]].
== Limitations ==
=== Nice guys ===
As evidenced by the failure of [[nice guy]]s and women's literary interest in [[rape]]y romance novels,<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Women_are_drawn_more_than_men_to_nonfiction_stories_of_rape.2C_murder.2C_and_serial_killers</ref> romance alone is clearly not the ideal strategy, or it can be outright harmful, especially if the courtship efforts come across as [[cool|desperate]]. Rather, woman's mating preferences are only fully met when romance is accompanied by a demonstration of physical dominance, which women report, primarily lies merely in the threat rather than actual harm, and often seems to involve the female ''taming'' the man. (On the other hand, women do have actual [[rape]] fantasies, so it is not clear to which extent the latter is actual preference or just [[political correctness]].) An explanation for this is the [[Bodyguard hypothesis]] which suggests women desire a strong protective partners being themselves weak. Women with a fast [[life history]] disposition have a stronger desire for this rather than investment in the offspring.
=== Personality ===
Research on [[blind dating]] and semi-blind dating suggest during initial pair-bonding personality traits do not play any role,<ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Looks_are_most_important_to_women_in_speed_dating</ref><ref>https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Looks_are_most_important_to_women_in_video_dating</ref><ref name="walster">https://incels.wiki/w/Scientific_Blackpill#Looks_are_most_important_to_women_in_blind_dating</ref> so what is called "romance" probably mostly boils down to the female [[Sex drive#Female_passivity|passively accumulating information]] in terms of [[LMS|looks, money and status]] about the suitor, and any additional courtship efforts are mere costly signals of investment and [[virtue signaling]]/[[political correctness]] as mentioned above or means of intimidating other suitors, i.e. gaining status.
=== Direct courtship vs arranged mating ===
Cross cultural evidence suggests that arranged mating was the most prevalent form of human mating practices rather than direct face-to-face courtship. This may suggest that the heavy modern emphasis on courtship, mutual romantic investment, finding one's soulmate etc., are unnatural and [[mismatchcel|evolutionary mismatches]], as mating typically occurred in a social and economic context.
==History==
===Written Origin===
While one may argue if romantic love has an actual origin or not, the origin of recorded analysis of romantic love is often cited as beginning in Medieval Times.<ref>Beigel, 1951</ref><ref>Hunt, 1959</ref> However, closer analysis reveals romantic love being discussed in Plato's symposium in 360 BC.<ref name="exis">https://open.library.ubc.ca/media/download/pdf/831/1.0053733/1 AN EXISTENTIAL-PHENOMENOLOGICAL APPROACH TO ROMANTIC LOVE by Karen Lecovin</ref> Here Plato denigrates romantic love as not 'true' love, due to it being transitory.
===Written Conceptualization===
In 12th century France, (Medieval Times) Troubadour poetry provided a written framework for romantic love. Back then, romantic love ''only'' meant extramarital love. IE long-distance pining for someone who you are not married to. Marriage was seen as a practical affair where superiors were in charge, whereas in romantic love, women (rather than men), were in full control and the love was to be driven by passion.<ref>https://www.ancient.eu/Courtly_Love/</ref> These romances were mainly restricted to royalty and were not intended to be materialized.
===Modern synthesis===
Modern notions of romance are extended into real-life through marriage, and retain the chivalric practice of man-proving-himself-to-woman. The idea of sexuality being a journey started in Greece. And the idea of love being essential to marriage (as far as it effects us today) started mainly in Puritanism.<ref name="exis"></ref>
== Relation to shit tests ==
Women's expectation for men's romance can be understood as [[shit test]] in that the woman tests whether the man can afford all his [[costly signaling]], such as relinquishing other social opportunities in life that the man could have spend his time on rather than expensive [[courtship]], to see whether he can really afford it.
==Fear of death sparks romance==
Early romance is often spurred by a fear of death, and once in a [[relationship]], that fear often diminishes.
<blockquote>"Originally, terror management theory proposed two psychological mechanisms in dealing with the terror of death awareness-cultural worldview validation and self-esteem enhancement. In this article, we would like to promote the idea of close relationships as an additional death-anxiety buffering mechanism and review a growing body of empirical data that support this contention. Based on a comprehensive analysis of the sociocultural and personal functions of close relationships, we formulate two basic hypotheses that have received empirical support in a series of experimental studies. '''First, death reminders heighten the motivation to form and maintain close relationships. Second, the maintenance of close relationships provides a symbolic shield against the terror of death, whereas the breaking of close relationships results in an upsurge of death awareness.''' In addition, we present empirical evidence supporting the possibility that close relationships function as a related yet separate mechanism from the self-esteem and cultural worldview defenses."<ref>Mikulincer, M., Florian, V., & Hirschberger, G. (2003). The existential function of close relationships: Introducing death into the science of love. Personality and social psychology review, 7(1), 20-40.</ref></blockquote>
==Relationships without romance==
<blockquote>"My husband and I have never done romance. I don't have candle light dinners or celebrate valentine's day or whatever else romantic people do. It's just not me. We do have sex though, but I wouldn't call that romantic either."[https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070721010703AASyUmj]</blockquote>
Corroborating on the point that aromantic relationships are entirely feasible, there is evidence that couples in [[arranged marriage]]s are not unhappier despite often not loving each other in the beginning, but then get used to each other and bond (presumably via endorphins released during [[sex]]). Such couples typically also last longer than "love marriages" (see [[arranged marriage]]).
==References==
<references />
==See also==
* [[Courtship]]
* [[Maneater]]
* [[Dating]]
* [[History of female sex-favoritism]]
[[Category:Emotions]]
{{Behavioralism}}
{{Lookism}}