Writing prompt: Should High School Students Get Online Frequently?

Student essay:
Recently I've carried out a survey on whether high school students should get online frequently and my classmates hold different opinions on it.
Almost three fourths of my class see getting online as a convenient and modern way to access knowledge beyond school. It saves much more time than searching a thick book for the information we need ,and that will help us have enough time to broaden our horizons. Besides , we are allowed to communicate with our friends and share the things like our favorite songs with them via getting online.
There are also a part of students saying getting online makes it easy to get relaxed for them.
Some students hold a negative attitude towards getting online. In their opinion, it's harmful to our eyes. And we may lose ourselves in chatting and online games in a easy way. That is particularly bad for not only our study but also for our body and mind. What's more, getting online wastes too much time and energy. Our daily timetable will be destroyed greatly as well.
In my opinion ,getting online is a pretty positive way to study and relax ourselves.It has a great number of advantages, for example, we can get the latest news via getting online, we are able to make friends all around the world. But we shouldn't lose ourselves in it. We need control the balance between getting online and our daily life. If so, life will be more convenient and enjoyable.

Corrected essay:
Recently, I've carried out a survey on whether high school students should get online frequently and my classmates hold different opinions on it.
Almost three fourths of my class see getting online as a convenient and modern way to access knowledge beyond school. It saves much more time than searching a thick book for the information we need, and that will help us have enough time to broaden our horizons. Besides, we are allowed to communicate with our friends and share things like our favorite songs with them via getting online.
There are also some students saying getting online makes it easy for them to relax.
Some students hold a negative attitude towards getting online. In their opinion, it's harmful to our eyes. And we may lose ourselves in chatting and online games in a easy way. That is particularly bad for not only our study but also for our bodies and minds. What's more, getting online wastes too much time and energy. Our daily timetable will be greatly disrupted as well.
In my opinion, getting online is a pretty positive way to study and relax. It has a great number of advantages. For example, we can get the latest news via getting online, and we are able to make friends all around the world. But we shouldn't lose ourselves in it. We need to keep a balance between getting online and our daily life. If so, life will be more convenient and enjoyable.

Error analysis:
error_sentence: Recently I've carried out a survey on whether high school students should get online frequently and my classmates hold different opinions on it.

correct_sentence: Recently, I've carried out a survey on whether high school students should get online frequently and my classmates hold different opinions on it.

correction: ,
error_type: Punctuation Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Punctuation Error: According to English writing conventions, when the adverb 〈Recently〉 is used as a sentence-initial adverbial, a comma should be added after it for separation. Therefore, a 『,』 needs to be added after 『Recently』 to conform to written grammatical norms.

error_sentence: Besides , we are allowed to communicate with our friends and share the things like our favorite songs with them via getting online.

correct_sentence: Besides, we are allowed to communicate with our friends and share things like our favorite songs with them via getting online.

error: the
error_type: Determiner Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Determiner Error: According to English grammar, the determiner 〈the〉 in the phrase 〈share the things〉 indicates specificity, but here it expresses the general concept of 'things like our favorite songs', so 〈the〉 needs to be deleted to conform to semantic logic.

error_sentence: There are also a part of students saying getting online makes it easy to get relaxed for them.

correct_sentence: There are also some students saying getting online makes it easy for them to relax.

error: a part of
correction: some
error_type: Adjective Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Adjective Error: According to English grammar, 〈a part of〉 usually refers to 'a small portion of a whole', emphasizing 'one component part', often used for specific things, but the subject 〈students〉 is a plural countable noun, indicating 'a portion of a group or something', without emphasizing a specific proportion. Therefore, 〈a part of〉 is changed to 『some』 to make the expression more accurate.

error_sentence: There are also a part of students saying getting online makes it easy to get relaxed for them.

correct_sentence: There are also some students saying getting online makes it easy for them to relax.

error: to get relaxed
error_type: Word Redundancy Error
error_severity: 5
error_description: Word Redundancy Error: According to English grammar, 〈get relaxed〉 emphasizes a passive state, while the context requires the active meaning of 'relax', therefore 〈to get relaxed〉 is modified to 『relax』 to keep the sentence concise and clear.

error_sentence: There are also a part of students saying getting online makes it easy to get relaxed for them.

correct_sentence: There are also some students saying getting online makes it easy for them to relax.

correction: to relax
error_type: Verb Choice Error
error_severity: 4
error_description: ① Verb Choice Error: According to English grammar, 〈get relaxed〉 emphasizes a passive state, while the context requires the active meaning of 'relax', therefore 〈to get relaxed〉 is modified to 『to relax』 to conform to correct grammar; ② Word Order Error: The infinitive phrase 'to relax' as the true object should appear after the logical subject 〈for them〉 to conform to idiomatic expression, therefore 『to relax』 is added to correct the word order issue.

error_sentence: That is particularly bad for not only our study but also for our body and mind.
correct_sentence: That is particularly bad for not only our study but also for our bodies and minds.
error: body and mind
correction: bodies and minds
error_type: Noun Number Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Noun Number Error: According to English writing conventions, the subject of the phrase 〈body and mind〉 is the plural 〈our〉, therefore 〈body and mind〉 needs to be changed to the plural form 『bodies and minds』 to maintain consistency.

error_sentence: Our daily timetable will be destroyed greatly as well.

correct_sentence: Our daily timetable will be greatly disrupted as well.

error: destroyed greatly
correction: greatly disrupted
error_type: Verb Choice Error
error_severity: 5
error_description: ① Verb Choice Error: According to English grammar and the original text, 〈destroyed〉 means 'completely ruined', which is too strong in meaning, and should be changed to 〈disrupted〉 meaning 'to throw into disorder'; ② Word Order Error: According to English grammar, the adverb 〈greatly〉 should be placed before the past participle 〈disrupted〉. Therefore, it is modified to 『greatly disrupted』.

error_sentence: In my opinion ,getting online is a pretty positive way to study and relax ourselves.
correct_sentence: In my opinion, getting online is a pretty positive way to study and relax.
error: ourselves
error_type: Word Redundancy Error
error_severity: 4
error_description: Word Redundancy Error: According to English grammar, when the verb 〈relax〉 is used as an intransitive verb, it does not require an object. Therefore, 『ourselves』 is deleted to eliminate redundancy.

error_sentence: It has a great number of advantages, for example, we can get the latest news via getting online, we are able to make friends all around the world.
correct_sentence: It has a great number of advantages. For example, we can get the latest news via getting online, and we are able to make friends all around the world.
error: , for
correction: . For
error_type: Punctuation Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Punctuation Error: According to English writing conventions, the two independent clauses 〈It has a great number of advantages〉 and 'for example, we can...' need to be separated by a period, therefore 『, for』 is changed to 『. For』 to conform to sentence structure norms.

error_sentence: It has a great number of advantages, for example, we can get the latest news via getting online, we are able to make friends all around the world.
correct_sentence: For example, we can get the latest news via getting online, and we are able to make friends all around the world.
correction: and
error_type: Conjunction Error
error_severity: 4
error_description: Conjunction Error: According to English grammar, a conjunction is needed between the two independent clauses 'we can get..., we are able...' Therefore, 『and』 needs to be added to connect the two parallel clauses 'we can get the latest news...' and 'we are able to make friends...' to maintain sentence coherence.

error_sentence: We need control the balance between getting online and our daily life.
correct_sentence: We need to keep a balance between getting online and our daily life.
error: control the
correction: to keep a
error_type: Verb Choice Error
error_severity: 5
error_description: ① Nonfinite Verb Form Error: According to English grammar, 〈need〉 is followed by an infinitive 'to do'. Therefore, 〈need〉 is modified to 『need to』 to conform to grammatical collocation customs; ② Verb Choice Error: According to English grammar and the original text, 〈control〉 emphasizes 'control', while the context requires the meaning of 'maintain balance', therefore 〈control〉 is changed to 『to keep』 to fit the context; ③ Determiner Error: 'balance ' means 'equilibrium', and 'to maintain balance' in English is 'keep a balance', therefore an indefinite article “a" needs to be added before 'balance'.