Writing prompt: Would You Sacrifice Your Health for Beauty?

Student essay:
Although it is important to look one's best in today's world,I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.\nMore and More people look forward to being beautiful that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.Some do cosmetic surgery and apply a heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful.These all do harm to people's health.It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.\nFurthermore,not only should we judge people by their appearance,but also we should judge the whole person.Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without soul.Peopleshouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.\nOnly the people who with health are the most beautiful people.That is the reason why I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.

Corrected essay:
Although it is important to look one's best in today's world, I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.
More and more people look forward to being beautiful and that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days. Some do cosmetic surgery and apply heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful. These all do harm to people's health. It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.
Furthermore, not only should we judge people by their appearance, but also we should judge the whole person. Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without a soul. People shouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.
Only the people with health are the most beautiful people. That is the reason why I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.

Error analysis:
error_sentence: Although it is important to look one's best in today's world,I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.\nMore and More people look forward to being beautiful that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.
correct_sentence: Although it is important to look one's best in today's world, I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.
 More and more people look forward to being beautiful and that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.
error: beauty.\nMore and More
correction: beauty.
More and more
error_type: Case Error
error_severity: 1
error_description: ① Format Error: Unreasonable line break splitting; ② Case Error: According to English writing conventions, the second 〈More〉 in the phrase 〈More and More〉 should not be capitalized; its first letter should be lowercase as 『more』.

error_sentence: Although it is important to look one's best in today's world,I wouldn't sacrifice my health for beauty.\nMore and More people look forward to being beautiful that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.
correct_sentence: More and more people look forward to being beautiful and that's why there is excessive emphasis on appearance these days.
correction: and
error_type: Conjunction Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Conjunction Error: A conjunction is missing between 〈beautiful that's〉, causing two independent clauses to be directly joined, resulting in a run-on sentence; 『and』 needs to be added between the two clauses to form the causal connection '...beautiful and that's why...'.

error_sentence: Some do cosmetic surgery and apply a heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful.
correct_sentence: Some do cosmetic surgery and apply heavy make-up while others even do some horrendous things in order to make themselves more beautiful.
error: a
error_type: Determiner Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Determiner Error: According to the original sentence and English grammar rules, 〈make-up〉 is an uncountable noun; 〈a〉 in 〈a heavy make-up〉 is redundant, as an indefinite article cannot be used before an uncountable noun to mean 'one'; therefore, the determiner 〈a〉 is deleted.

error_sentence: It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.\nFurthermore,not only should we judge people by their appearance,but also we should judge the whole person.
correct_sentence: It is ridiculous that people sacrifice their health for beauty and endure such considerable pain and suffering.
 Furthermore, not only should we judge people by their appearance, but also we should judge the whole person.
error: suffering.\nFurthermore
correction: suffering.
Furthermore
error_description: Other Error: Unreasonable line break splitting, and no error, cannot analyze.

error_sentence: Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without soul.
correct_sentence: Beauty without health is equivalent to a body without a soul.
correction: a
error_type: Determiner Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Determiner Error: According to English grammar rules, the singular countable noun 〈soul〉 in the original sentence is missing a necessary indefinite article; therefore, the determiner 『a』 is added before 〈soul〉 to form the correct expression 『without a soul』.

error_sentence: Peopleshouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.\nOnly the people who with health are the most beautiful people.
correct_sentence: People shouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.

error: Peopleshouldn't
correction: People shouldn't
error_type: Space Error
error_severity: 1
error_description: Space Error: The phrase 〈Peopleshouldn't〉 is missing a necessary space between 〈People〉 and 〈shouldn't〉; it has been changed to 『People shouldn't』 to maintain correct word separation.

error_sentence: Peopleshouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.\nOnly the people who with health are the most beautiful people.
correct_sentence: People shouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.
 Only the people with health are the most beautiful people.
error: beautiful.\nOnly
correction: beautiful.
Only
error_description: Other Error: Unreasonable line break character splitting, and no error, cannot analyze.

error_sentence: Peopleshouldn't feel unhappy because they don't fit society's current ideas of what is beautiful.\nOnly the people who with health are the most beautiful people.
correct_sentence: Only the people with health are the most beautiful people.
error: who
error_type: Word Redundancy Error
error_severity: 4
error_description: Word Redundancy Error: In the phrase 〈the people who with health〉, the relative pronoun 〈who〉 lacks a subordinate predicate and does not fit the sentence structure; therefore, based on the principle of minimal change, 〈who〉 should be deleted, changing it to the prepositional phrase 『the people with health』 to make this part structurally complete.