Writing prompt: High School Students Should Not Bring Telephones to School

Student essay:
We had a discussion about whether students should be allowed to take mobile phones. Opinions are divided on this issue.
40% of us think it necessary to take mobile phones with them, saying that it is convenient to contact with their relationships and friends by mobile phones. Besides, they can research information online through mobile phones. What's more, they can save useful information by phones. And they think but for phones, they wouldn't do more things in less time.
60% of us, however, are against the idea. Because the radiation of mobile phones does harm to students' health. Moreover, the ring tone will make sound which is no benefit to their studies even to other students. In addition, there are a variety of mobile phones. It is the price that make students compare their phones with others'. In conclusion, they said, "If I were you, I wouldn't take a mobile phone with me."
For my perspective, I am favor of the students who are against the idea. For our health as well as our studies, we shouldn't take mobile phones with us everytime.

Corrected essay:
We had a discussion about whether students should be allowed to take mobile phones. Opinions are divided on this issue.
40% of us think it necessary to take mobile phones with them, saying that it is convenient to contact their relatives and friends by mobile phones. Besides, they can research information online through mobile phones. What's more, they can save useful information by phones. And they think but for phones, they wouldn't do more things in less time.
60% of us, however, are against the idea. Because the radiation of mobile phones does harm to students' health. Moreover, the ring tone will make a sound which is not beneficial to their studies and even to other students. In addition, there are a variety of mobile phones. It is the price that makes students compare their phones with others'. In conclusion, they said, "If I were you, I wouldn't take a mobile phone with me."
From my perspective, I am in favor of the students who are against the idea. For our health as well as our studies, we shouldn't take mobile phones with us everytime.

Error analysis:
error_sentence: 40% of us think it necessary to take mobile phones with them, saying that it is convenient to contact with their relationships and friends by mobile phones.
correct_sentence: 40% of us think it necessary to take mobile phones with them, saying that it is convenient to contact their relatives and friends by mobile phones.
error: with their relationships
correction: their relatives
error_type: Word Redundancy Error
error_severity: 4
error_description: ① Word Redundancy: 〈contact〉 as a transitive verb does not require 〈with〉 to introduce its object, so 〈with〉 is deleted to standardize the sentence structure; ② Noun Error: 〈relationships〉 refers to abstract interpersonal connections, while here a noun specifically denoting family members is needed, thus 〈relationships〉 is changed to 『relatives』 to correctly express the meaning.

error_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make sound which is no benefit to their studies even to other students.
correct_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make a sound which is not beneficial to their studies and even to other students.
correction: a
error_type: Determiner Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Determiner Error: The countable noun 〈sound〉 requires the indefinite article 『a』 before it for generic reference, meaning 'to make a sound', so 『a』 is added before 〈sound〉 to conform to grammatical rules.

error_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make sound which is no benefit to their studies even to other students.
correct_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make a sound which is not beneficial to their studies and even to other students.
error: no benefit
correction: not beneficial
error_type: PoS Confusion Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: PoS Confusion Error: 〈no benefit〉 is a noun phrase, whereas an adjective is needed here to modify the content following the verb 〈is〉, so 〈no benefit〉 is changed to 『not beneficial』 to conform to grammatical rules.

error_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make sound which is no benefit to their studies even to other students.
correct_sentence: Moreover, the ring tone will make a sound which is not beneficial to their studies and even to other students.
correction: and
error_type: Conjunction Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Conjunction Error: In a parallel structure, the conjunction 『and』 is needed to connect 〈to their studies〉 and 〈even to other students〉, so 『and』 is added after 〈studies〉 to make the two sentence components coherent and the meaning clear.

error_sentence: It is the price that make students compare their phones with others'.
correct_sentence: It is the price that makes students compare their phones with others'.
error: make
correction: makes
error_type: Subject-Verb Agreement Error
error_severity: 3
error_description: Subject-Verb Agreement Error: The subject 〈price〉 is third-person singular and requires the third-person singular form of the verb, so 〈make〉 is changed to 『makes』 to comply with subject-verb agreement rules.

error_sentence: "
For my perspective, I am favor of the students who are against the idea.
correct_sentence: "
From my perspective, I am in favor of the students who are against the idea.
error: For
correction: From
error_type: Preposition Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Preposition Error: The correct fixed phrase is “from one's perspective”, so 〈For〉 is changed to 『From』 to conform to idiomatic expression.

error_sentence: "
For my perspective, I am favor of the students who are against the idea.
correct_sentence: "
From my perspective, I am in favor of the students who are against the idea.
correction: in
error_type: Preposition Error
error_severity: 2
error_description: Preposition Error: The correct fixed phrase is 『in favor of』, so 『in』 is added after 〈am〉 to conform to idiomatic expression.