thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: family-conflict

Question: I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
 Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.

Answer:
I'm sorry to hear about being taken advantage of by your former wife.On the positive side, think of how much you learned by going through this very painful time.Maybe you are naturally very generous and caring, to the point of expecting very little from the other person, for example.Consider yourself in a favorable position to not feel like going out right now and meeting a new person.   Your spirit is guiding you to stay put and recuperate from this ordeal, review for any signs you may have been more trusting than merited by the person's behavior.There's a natural flow to what we're able to handle and when we have renewed capacity for new adventures.There's no reason to assume that you'll never trust another woman again.  The first step is re-building trust in yourself to step into a new relationship.   There is no designated time line.  You'll simply feel more ready than you feel now.Very unlikely that you'd ever place yourself in a similar situation to the one you're currently recovering from.Good luck!
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
I’m wondering if you are thinking that you’d be inconveniencing the therapist by bringing too many issues to the sessions? The reality is that it’s actually very common for a person to come to therapy with a whole host of issues. In fact, it’s encouraged to go to therapy if there is a lot of stuff to work through. You would not be inconveniencing the therapist at all and I would really like you to consider beginning therapy with a clinician that you feel comfortable with. Best of luck to you!
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?
I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped.

Answer:
Are you possibly mixing up an impulse to nurture and protect someone, such as by offering housing, and your own need to feel loved and appreciated as a romantic partner?Maybe your feeling of jealousy is really your awareness of a reasonable need to be loved by a partner.Even though you are quite detailed in your description of your partner, one piece which is missing, is whether you feel you are loved by her.Maybe too, what she considers your insecurity, is really her unwillgness to love you.It's always easier to put distance between two people by insulting them.I hope this gives you a few new ways to look at your situation.A few therapy sessions, either by yourself or together w your gf, would give you more chance to know more deeply what it is you are facing.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I end it?
How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Answer:
Deciding to end a relationship is a big question that deserves your full care and attention.  One of the first questions you may ask of yourself and consider for your boyfriend is whether you are both willing to work on the relationship.  A relationship, no matter how great or hard, can't work unless both people are invested in working on it.  This means that both people are willing to take responsibility and work on their on stuff when things are hard rather than blaming the other.  If one of you is not willing or able to work at this then the relationship can't really grow or get better.  Perhaps spend some time really asking yourself if you this is the person you want to work on things with.  All relationships are hard and require care and attention and also ask us to really take responsibility for what we contribute.  This should be done in a relationship where you want to do this work for yourself and the other.  Also, if you are fully in and ready to do the work but your partner isn't.  If they say things like "this is just how I am" or "we have problems because of your issues" then you also may want to really slow down and consider if this will be workable.  You and your boyfriend need to be invested and committed to the relationship even when things are hard.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
I am so impressed to hear that despite all that you have endured, you're open to and asking about therapy! That. Is. Incredible.I don't believe there is a person who has "too many" struggles or is "too far gone" for therapy. Often, our numerous struggles are like the roots that grow from a plant bulb. They're are a lot, but they all lead back to the bulb. That is, we can have many symptoms and experiences that are often rooted from a few deep, primary issues that, once addressed, can resolve more than one symptom/experience like the image below illustrates.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I manage my anxiety and depression so I can feel normal again?
My motivation has gone away. It's hard to get out of bed. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm miserable. My anxiety and depression have taken over my life.

Answer:
You are so not alone in that.  There's many, many people that struggle with feeling stuck with the combination of depressive and anxious symptoms.  You are right though--it is a miserable thing to go through.The most important thing I usually start with for clients (upon learning about their particular situation) is behavioral activation, which is just a fancy name for "doing stuff".  Walking is a good place to start because it's not hard on the body and you aren't going from bed to running a marathon.  It's a way to get those feel-good chemicals flowing and to also feel like you are doing something, whether or not there's any motivation there.  Other people go with tasks, such as cleaning or organizing.  Sometimes those more productive things can make us feel good about ourselves, and doing them over and over can build up into confidence that you do have agency in your life.  Another option is participating in things you think you'd do if depression and anxiety weren't taking over your life.  We tend to believe that we have to feel a certain way to do something exciting or meaningful, but the truth is that sometimes doing things comes first and the feelings we have about them follow.  This may take a while, and it may mean combining other techniques like thought-logging (journaling about when certain thought patterns are triggered) and even medication/counseling.  It all depends on the person.  Engaging in activity may help to lower some of that anxiety also because you're energy has somewhere to be channeled through besides your nervous system.  Doing things really has a power in and of itself that teaches us what we are capable of. It's hard not to let your feelings and thoughts con you into believing you are incapable or hopeless, but that's what it is: a con.  What you choose and what works best for you may also depend on the factors of your situation.  Have you been feeling this way for a long time?  Did it come on suddenly and take over within the time-frame of a couple weeks?  Or was there a situation that triggered it all?  Those things are helpful to know because long-term depression/anxiety require a different spin on techniques than something more short-term that may benefit from processing through a difficult event or learning coping skills to push through a depressive episode.  All types can benefit from processing and learning new skills, but predicting patterns and being proactive means knowing those details.Hope this was a bit helpful!
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I move on?
I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

Answer:
You can’t drive life’s road without sometimes hitting bumps like regrets, disappointments, and tragedies. When you do, it’s easy to get stuck there, gazing back into your rearview mirror at the past. But God and Your Higher Power wants you to move on toward the future He has planned for you. It’s a future filled with hope – but to get there, you’ve got to turn your focus forward and look through the windshield at the road ahead. Here’s how you can let go of the past to move into the future: * Realize that you have a choice. Understand that you’re not a victim of your circumstances and that no one but yourself can tie you to the past; you can decide whether or not to move on. Ask God for the courage to choose to break free of whatever is chaining you to the past.🙏✨🙌
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer:
What may seem silly to you could mean a lot to her. Adult issues seem much more complex and we would love to have the stressors of school at times but this may be the most stressful thing for her since she doesn't have the life experience as adults do. For many teens, their whole world revolves around school, their friends, and their family. It is a juggling act they are so very new at and the act of managing all of it can be overwhelming at times. They are still growing emotionally and learning emotions management on top of all of this. It is so important for teens to feel like their issues are legitimate and not invalidates by adults. I think possibly speaking to a therapist for coping skills/stress management techniques as well as having a source to process some of this stress would be more beneficial than speaking to a doctor if the motivation to speak to a doctor was for medication purposes.
Topic: social-relationships

Question: Why do I always get ignored by people?
Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me.    Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?

Answer:
You are not alone.  SocIal media marketing is and can be tricky.  Today to feel validated it is to receive a like , comment or follow.  When friends or family members are interacting on their pages but not yours it can be frustrating.  Law of Attraction might help.  Contact me or visit my profile to learn more.
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer:
Hi. Bright kids often have a sense of perfectionism....when they are smart they often do not get to many opportunities to fail early in life because they adapt quickly. IAs they get older, they feel failure, and it can trigger anxiety. If you find she is sensitive in other areas, like really in tune with things happening in the world, highly aware of fair versus unfair, startles easily, is sensitive to smells, sights or fabrics, etc, she may be a highly sensitive child (check out Elaine Aron's website HSPersons.com) there is a great quiz on there and high sensitive and being bright have a correlation. A skilled therapist that is used to working with high functioning kiddos should be able to help let you know if it is anxiety due to pefectionism or if there is something else going on.  A lot of times school has support groups that can help as well, so try checking with your daughter's school guidance counselor.  It is okay to talk with her about how we learn from our mistakes.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How can I let go of a relationship when the woman is married?
We've been seeing each other for six years. She has a teenage daughter, and she don't want to break the family up.

Answer:
What changed that after six years you raise the question of what to do about this relationship?Had you hoped until now that she would leave?If this is so, and she clearly told you she will continue in her marriage, then the control is in your hands now as to how long you are willing to continue in the relationship as it is currentlyEmotionally releasing from a relationship takes much longer than the time to simply announce your departure from it.Emotions change gradually, whereas whether or not in real, practical time the two of you will continue seeing each other, is a clear and straightforward choice.If you decide your best interest is in leaving, then do so.  Your emotions will take a while to catch up.This is difficult and painful to do, only it sounds like staying is even more difficult.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: My sexual partner wants me to reimburse him on a hotel room
I was having a sexual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs.

Answer:
Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a sexual partner. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I keep a long distance relationship going?
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?

Answer:
You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will.   The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.
Topic: human-sexuality

Question: How do I deal with sexual tension?
I have been experiencing a lot of sexual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having sex with them. I have never had sex before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about sex.

Answer:
Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're sexual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect sexually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to "connect" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. Sexual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself sexually, and that's okay.At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to know yourself. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum. It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect sexually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust. With each encounter you have with other people (sexual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both sexually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are.Have you tried to get to know yourself sexually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm? I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :)
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I slow down and enjoy life?
I feel like my time is going too fast

Answer:
Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!
Topic: depression

Question: Might I have depression?
I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones.

Answer:
What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying?   Crying is natural.  Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis.  Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they "have".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you "have something".  Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones.  This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a "maze" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if "maze" means you don't know what your thoughts are and  feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you.
Topic: parenting

Question: How can I help my son succeed in life when he refuses it?
When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didn’t like it. I just don’t know what to do.

Answer:
Probably the best way to be supportive of your son is to tell him what bothers you about the way he's handling himself.If you'd like him to work with your suggestions then before you make critical comments be sure to validate his strong points and to recognize his natural talents.People are much more likely to take advice if the person feels the criticism is spoken by someone who respects them and isn't only critical of them.Offer your availability to talk with him if you genuinely feel available to speak with him in a non-judgmental way.