thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How do I get over a coworker?
I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
   I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?

Answer:
It sounds like a tricky situation. If you want to maintain your friendship and continue to have regular contact with him, getting over him may not be possible. What makes it even trickier is that his actions (hugs and touching) may be misleading and are allowing you to believe that a romantic relationship is possible. Some ways in which we naturally get over others are when we fall in love with someone else or when we suddenly see the person we like in a more negative or unattractive light. If you truly want to force yourself to get over him, cutting contact or setting strict boundaries may be necessary. If you don't see him, over time you can begin to forget about him. If you set boundaries by discontinuing to allow the hugs and touches, you will not feel mislead or have the idea in your mind that he is being flirtatious or interested. It would be difficult to continue the relationship as is and expect your feelings to change. Thus, being proactive by talking to him about boundaries or cutting contact with him are two things you can do that will likely help you to get over him. Good luck!
Topic: anxiety

Question: How do I stop my nightmares?
I have been having a lot of nightmares where I am being killed in different ways. I either wake up in a panic or just crying and sweating. It has made me terrified of falling asleep and is now affecting my daily life too. Can I make the nightmares stop?

Answer:
Hello, and thank you for your question. Sleep problems, including insomnia and even the nightmares that you are writing about, are really common for people and so many people suffer from them. Here are a few things to consider or to try: 1. Have you changed or started taking any new medication lately? Medications can certainly affect your sleep and some can even cause vivid or frightening dreams. If you are taking a new medication, talk to your provider about the nightmares, this may be the cause. 2. Stress can certainly increase our difficulty with sleep and can also begin to affect our dream states. The dreams may not make much sense, but then again even good dreams don't always make much sense. Ask yourself, do I have any new or renewed stressors in my life? Work, school, relationships, health.... all of these areas and many more are places where stress can hide out. If this is the case, talk with your provider or consider seeing a counselor who may be able to help. 3. Something to consider is that once we start to have anxiety or stress about something, we can begin to obsess about it. My guess is that going to bed for sleep is no longer a pleasant thing for you. Your stress and fear of what may happen when you sleep could start way before you actually go to bed. This could increase your chances of having another bad dream. Try relaxation techniques before going to bed. If you have YouTube, you can pull up "Guided Meditation for Sleep" exercises to help you relax. There are many different ones to choose from. You may also want to try deep breathing.4. There are self-help ideas for managing bad nightmares. If you Google search "Nightmare Rescripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" you may find some ideas and instructions on how to manage dreams. I hope these ideas help. Be well... Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer:
Absolutely normal! Therapy should be a place where you can feel safe to explore and express all of your emotions. Some clients may cry easier than others and there is no "right way" to do therapy. I have many clients who cry each session. And I have many other clients who cry periodically. And I have others who haven't cried once. Each person is different however therapy should be a place where you feel safe expressing yourself.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: Do I have to go to counseling to get hormones to transition from female to male?

Answer:
Hello! You've gotten some great answers here!  I would like to add that transition looks different for everyone. For some folks, transition means hormones, surgery, voice work, electrolysis, and other medical interventions. For other individuals, it means some or none of that.  It's an incredibly personal journey and only you (with the help of supportive individuals) can make those choices for yourself! Hope this helps!  So glad you're reaching out for support! I would also add that you DO NOT need to enter therapy to receive hormones, if you have access to what is called an informed consent clinic.  Informed consent clinics (at least in California) do not require letters or therapy as part of the process.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Answer:
It's very admirable that you are trying to stop smoking for the sake of your health and your child's health.  The mental aspect of quitting a drug can and usually is the hardest part.  First, it can be helpful to change the focus of your thinking so you are focusing on the healthy behaviors you will start/improve rather than only focusing on the behavior that you are trying to stop.  The reason for this is that our brains hear the main topic of our thoughts.  That is, when you tell yourself "quit smoking, quit smoking, quit smoking", your brain hears "smoking, smoking, smoking".  So we need to put together a self-care plan that addresses your thinking, emotions, and behaviors (nutrition, physical activity, and other stress reducing activities).  The idea is to have an effective plan in place to both prevent yourself from feeling intense stress (which increases cravings) and to have a well-placed plan for when the intense cravings inevitably present themselves.  And lastly, and possibly the most important; You have to believe you deserve to be the healthiest version of yourself.  Think about the times when you are most vulnerable to smoke (stressful situations, after meals, when drinking, social situations, etc.).  The use of affirmations is also an important resource as what we say to ourselves effects our mood.  Repeatedly telling yourself "i am healthy, "i am getting healthier, "my lungs are becoming clear and healthy" or other affirmations like this.  Even if you don't believe them at first, continue saying them.  This step is important to improve cognitive flexibility which trains your brain to be open to change.  Think about activities that you like to do or that you would like to try and replace smoking with those activities.  Any activity that can make you laugh (time with friends, watching comedies, etc.) will evoke a calming response because when we feel happy, we typically don't feel stressed out simultaneously.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
The question about identifying the right therapist is a compelling one to be sure.  The therapeutic relationship is based on trust and confidentiality is the cornerstone of the profession. Therefore, it is essential to seek a therapist who practices ethically, is empathetic, and has the capacity to be objective as well as non-judgmental. It is also important to seek a therapist who specializes in your particular issue and has clinical  experience as well as a passion in striving for toward the best outcome. You will not need to train your therapist as a competent therapist will help you explore the sources of your distress, or limitations in your belief system and so forth. A competent therapist will be able to suggest a variety of treatment approaches and together you will decide which approach is best for you. However, you also have to decide what kind of therapist you envision being comfortable with. Some clients prefer a more directive approach and others a more collaborative one.Most therapists offer a consultation which is a good opportunity to ask questions and get a sense of the therapist's treatment approaches, training, credentials,  style, ideas and so forth. You may be able to gauge from the consultation whether or not you are a good fit.
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?
Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Answer:
I’m glad that you are reaching out for help. What you are going though sounds overwhelming and  exhausting. Here is a link that talks about the signs of an abuse relationship if you are questioning  whether or not you are experiencing an abusive relationship https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htmThis maybe a lot of information to take in so if you feel overwhelmed I would encourage you to talk to a therapist.  Also every state has a domestic non-profit that can assist you with support or resources. If you are struggling to find one in your area I can help you. They can help you safety plan and give additional information that might be of assistance.  In abusive relationships, unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change your partners behavior. It is up to her to make that decision.  A lot of time in abusive relationships  asserting  your boundaries can put you at risk for more abuse. I would encourage you to use your gut in this situation because you know your relationship better then anyone else.  The best thing for you to do is to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. I would encourage against couples counseling because it can also become unsafe in an abusive relationship. You are making a big step in looking for help.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How to stop worrying in a long distance relationship?
My partner lives in Canada while I live in the US. We visit each other, but we go months in between visits. I have anxiety, and I'm always anxious about him cheating or still having feelings for an ex that he dated for three years. He doesn't understand my anxiety. How do I stop myself from worrying so much?

Answer:
Would you worry less if you and your partner had a plan as to when you will be together as a couple?Long distance relationships are not for everybody.   Some people need the daily or frequent interaction to feel secure.The question is not so much how to deal with anxiety that your partner is cheating on you than whether your own emotional and relationship requirements are satisfied with a long distance relationship.Anyway, cheating has nothing to do with distance since married people cheat while living together for years under the same roof!
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer:
It sounds like you are a very caring parent who is worrying about an intelligent, high-achieving daughter. It is hard to see our children struggle! What makes you think this is going to break her and that the stressing isn’t normal? Have you talked to her about your worries? How does she feel about seeing a doctor? I would first have a conversation with your daughter about your worries. Make sure to speak with her calmly and have an open discussion with her about what you are noticing and ask her how she is feeling and if she feels stressed to the point of visiting with a doctor. Maybe she needs an outlet to talk about her feelings and therapy could be helpful, or maybe she really values doing well in school and feels she can manage the stress without speaking to someone. Either way, she needs a parent she can feel comfortable venting to, who will let her talk without interruption or judgement. It sounds like you love your daughter so much and you want her to be okay. Tell her that and get her feedback. But ensure you don’t make a conversation with her about you and your anxieties. The conversation needs to be about her and how she is feeling. All my best to you both!
Topic: depression

Question: I feel guilty because I didn't say no to a guy's advances
I was in a situation with a guy. He’s my brother’s friend and kind of like a brother to me. He invited me over to hang out, and then came on to me. I was instantly terrified to say no, and I gave in. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't figure out why I'm afraid to say no. This is giving me a lot of guilt and depression.

Answer:
Hi Tennessee, There is nothing wrong with you. There are many good reasons why you didn't say no. You didn't say no because you were caught off guard and unprepared; there is no place in life that teaches girls or boys how to manage it when someone crashes a sexual boundary. You also live in a culture where girls are encouraged to be cooperative and not upset people, and to put the needs of other people first. You instinctively want people to like you, and people can be very coercive sexually. You said it yourself; you "gave in". He wore you down.There's nothing wrong with you. It wasn't your job to say no. Women aren't the gatekeepers of male sexual urges. It was his job to get your consent first. He pressured you into it. A good therapist would help you to dig deep and uncover all these barriers to saying no and more. If you said no, what might happen then? What might that mean about you? What are you avoiding feeling? Unloved, unwanted, cold? What would you have to believe in order to be confident enough to say no? That you didn't have to do anything you don't want to do? That you're special, or that sexuality is special? Would you need a better understanding of what sexual assault is? I love that you want to do some work here to strengthen your sexual boundaries, and I urge a widespread conversation about what consent it. Men and women of all ages could use more of this training.
Topic: intimacy

Question: What's the best way to handle my spouse's narcissism and bipolar disorder?
He is always telling me our fights are only and all my fault, he bashes me to our young child, and he is addicted to a few substances.

Answer:
Strengthen your own belief in your right to a decent life and respect of who you are.From the brief description you write, your husband has very limited capacity to recognize how others feel and even less capacity to empathize with the person.The best you can do is convince yourself of your own worth and associate with others who believe similarly about your qualities.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: Do narcissists get healed by rationalizing?
I read that you should ignore them and they have to come to a conclusion that they were wrong on their own terms. Is that correct?

Answer:
It is not correct because someone who is narcissistic believes they are always right.If you ignore the person, then their thinking is that there is something wrong with you.Ignoring the person to the degree this is possible in the situation or relationship, will spare you to be misunderstood further.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself?
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness.

Answer:
So wonderful to have a boyfriend who is able to understand and forgive you. What do you think that he sees in you that allows him to do that? Does he see someone who like other humans makes mistakes? Does he see someone who despite hurtful choices is a good person committed to being a loving respectful partner? The compassion and understanding that we can often extend to others can be difficult to extend to ourselves. We often hold very unrealistic and perfectionist expectations for ourselves which may even lead to our poor choices in the first place - as a ways of letting off steam or rebelling against our high standards. Regardless of the reasons, we all make mistakes and imperfection does not make someone less loveable - it just makes them human. If your boyfriend is able to start clean with you, there must be a reason. What you do from here on out will define the kind of partner you are to him. Can you treat him with the kind of respect that you would want? Can you help him to feel loved and safe in the relationship? Can you allow yourself to be imperfect and afraid and still worthy of love and acceptance. When you are feeling ashamed of your behaviours - try to imagine extending that scared part of you the same love and acceptance that you might extend to other people who have made mistakes. It is not easy to forgive ourselves but it is important in order to allow ourselves to be loved and to truly love others.
Topic: anxiety

Question: What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?
I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.

Answer:
Anxieties are an adrenal problem;Clean them out with a proper detox, using the food built for mankind, and a herbal protocol;Maybe throw in some fasting here and there to kick the kidneys into high gear and get the adrenals pumping...Every loss is a gain, so losing a car means you no longer hold responsibility to keep and maintain it...If you're really up for it, some contemplation (that is keep one thought *lightly* on your mind allllllll day; that is just focus upon it from time to time, "Man, I notice that the sky is really blue today... and the air is really crisp today..."); after 3-5 days of contemplation, see what you notice...
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How can I avoid family members who stress me out?
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Answer:
Heard of Voice Mail?  Or Blocking a Number.  Email.  Stay busy ...  be kind but text instead,,,
Topic: lgbtq

Question: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it
I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Answer:
Hi there! It sounds like you have already started to answer
your own question by stating that you love cross dressing very much, and I am
glad you enjoy it! Cross dressing is something many people enjoy, and there is
no harm in it whatsoever. My question to you would be: What is making you feel torn
about it? There is unfortunately still a lot of negative stigma associated with
people who express their gender or sexuality in ways that differ from the
majority. (And sometimes certain sexual interests are actually very common or
even in the majority, but because people carry shame about being different when
it comes to gender and sexuality we assume we are all alone!)Being a sexual or gender minority or someone who
participates in kink or expresses their sexuality or gender identity in a
unique and personal way often means suffering from something called
"internalized oppression". We grow up being exposed to certain
assumptions and beliefs about what is "acceptable" behavior and even
face consequences sometimes if we don't "fit in" the way others tell
us to. Even if those assumptions are harmful and wrong, we still internalize
them and feel guilty about who we are. There is nothing wrong with us, but
feeling stigmatized and isolated can lead to feelings of shame, embarrassment,
or like something is "wrong" with us.But there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, so be proud
of who you are and what you enjoy. You can continue to simply enjoy it
privately, or maybe you'd eventually like to share it with a partner or maybe
even join a community with similar interests. I'll leave you with a quote from
comedian Eddie Izzard, who identifies as, in his own words, a "straight
transvestite": "They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I
bought them!" Take care, and thanks for your question!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer:
There's a reason why I tell all of my clients that I have a lifetime supply of tissues in my office! Yes, it is completely normal to cry in therapy. Many of us go through our days trying to hold it all together, keeping our emotions inside so that we don't have a meltdown in the grocery store or a business meeting. Therapy is a safe place to let those feelings out, which means that we see a lot of tears in our work. Therapy can also involve confronting difficult experiences from our lives that we've been trying to ignore or suppress, which can lead to emotional outpourings. A competent therapist will be able to support you safely through this process so that you can move forward with your healing. We therapists are trained to bear compassionate witness to the full range of human expression. So please feel free to let those tears flow in therapy!
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer:
Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel.