thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I help my partner overcome depression over not having his kids by his side all the time?
My partner seems to always get depressed over the fact that his kids have to see and go through the divorce process. It’s especially when the mother of his kids keeps making him feel bad and using the kids as an excuse to get back at him. I feel like just telling him to go back with his family and forget about me.

Answer:
Hold on, Sanger! You know, I meet with a lot of people who are so sick of the crap that their ex puts them through in the divorce process that yes, they wonder if it's best to go back. I don't think so.If your ex is using the children to manipulate, or is generally controlling the separation process, that's confirmation that getting out was the right decision.Your partner feels powerless to change the current situation. Of course he does, because there are many things that are beyond his control (his ex's behaviours, for one). Accept the powerlessness. Lean into it. It's okay, because there are many things he does have power over, and that's where he can focus. He has the power to give his children a happy dad. That's HUGE. That's why he left, I'd guess. I bet the main barrier to him being happy is the guilt he feels. That's his ex's voice...that's what she wants him to feel...to give into that is letting her win. Ending a marriage in order to be happy is his right. He has not intentionally harmed his children. Hopefully he's aware that the separation has  affected them and he's working to create peace and balance in their lives, but he's can let go of the shame she wants him to feel; it's crippling him.He has the power to separate emotionally from his ex. He's not doing that when he lets her words control his emotions. He's still reacting to her. He hasn't completely left yet.A good therapist can help your partner regulate his emotions, combat shame, create emotional distance from his ex and erect proper boundaries. He needs your support in moving forwards, not going backwards. I wish you the best.
Topic: social-relationships

Question: How do I learn to let go of past problems and live one day at a time?
I would like to be able to have more positive relationships in the present.

Answer:
Staying present is an attitude most of us aspire
to, and most of us have to work at it—certainly at first. I’m here to tell you
that living in the now or being mindful is a skill anyone can learn. Unfortunately,
the only way to do it is to do it. What a paradox! But there are plenty of
other skills that we are not born with: walking on stilts, riding a bike,
swimming, and driving a car are good examples. You can’t learn them by reading about
them.Having said that, I can recommend two books on
the subject: Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of
Now and David Richo’s When the Past
is Present. Richo asks that we don’t beat ourselves up about dwelling on
past events. This is nature’s way of reminding us that we have unfinished
business. But while we are attended to the wounds and confusion that litter our earlier lives, we can prepare to inhabit the expanded present that awaits us.He offers three helpful steps to making any important life
change:Step One: Hold in awareness the behavior,
belief, attitude, or characteristic you want to change in yourself and how you
want to be different. Awareness is the opposite of distraction and stuffing.Step Two: Live as if you have
already made the change. (This is hard and takes courage, but you can do it.
Ride that bike—even if for a foot or two.)Step Three: Be persistent.
(Practice, practice, practice.)Just as two-year-olds are able to walk
confidently after hundreds of hours of practice, you’ll be able to stay in the
here and now as long as you want after trying and failing many, many times.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer:
YES. Absolutely it is appropriate to cry during a therapy session (or all of them). Crying is a physical representation of acknowledging, expressing, and releasing emotion. Our bodies are very smart and often know what we need to heal. The urge to cry is our body telling us it may be time to let some stuff out.
Topic: parenting

Question: Should I feel guilty if my adult daughter cannot afford to go on a family vacation?
I have four children. One of them is in her 20s, and she cannot afford to go, nor can I pay for her. She went last year for two weeks by herself.

Answer:
Of what do you feel you'd be guilty?Family vacations are not a basic human right to existence.  They are fun, ideally.  You're not violating a basic human right.  You wrote that you don't have enough money to pay for her to come along.You may find yourself feeling more guilty toward yourself if you give more than you reasonably can afford to give.My suggestion is to tell your daughter your reason for not taking her along. Maybe this will open more dialogue between the two of you.
Topic: parenting

Question: Does my daughter have a mental disability?
My daughter is in later elementary school. She can't color in the lines. Her words jumble together when she writes unless there are big spaces or she skips lines.

Answer:
If your daughter is the same age as most of the other students in her class, and the other students easily complete the tasks you list here, then there is a problem in the performance of these tasks for your daughter.Without knowing more about the context of your daughter's life, for example, is she a new student to the school and class, are there major stressors in the home environment, does your daughter have friends, does your daughter have the same problems she has in school, when she is in other environments?Also, who is telling you she has these problems?  Are you the one who notices what you describe here or is your daughter or is her teacher telling you these facts?Depending on your answers to the questions, start to get clarity with the classroom teacher and the school guidance counselor as to the source of your daughter's problem.Good luck!
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?

Answer:
Ask the therapist first.  They will either tell you how to continue with them in the new job or give you a referral.  They also will help your child with the transition.  If that fails, ask the agency where your child sees the therapist about next steps.  There's an agency director or equivalent who will probably be happy to help you. If that fails, and I hope it doesn't, consider finding a therapist on your own.  If the therapist is not helping or is behaving unethically, contact the state agency which issues the therapist's license for help and to let them know about your experience.  That will protect the next parent.  Good luck.  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)
Topic: anxiety

Question: How do I get over my anxiety of talking to new people?
I'm socially awkward. I've always want to be popular. I've had the opportunity to be popular, but every time I get i,t I'm too scared. All I have to do is talk the popular people. They're really nice to me, but I'm too scared of change. I really want to work up the courage to lose my fear.

Answer:
Talking to people can be pretty scary.  When we talk to people, sometimes we overanalyze what we say or how we react in fear that we will seem weird or they won't like us, which makes us appear awkward.  So that overthinking piece can ironically work against us.When you talk to them, really spend time to listen to what they are saying.  Your default may be to think about how you will respond or what's cool to say, but people like it best (usually) when you are genuine and yourself.  If you focus on what you are paying attention to (them), then you will naturally have a response.  If you can overthink about yourself, you can definitely have some thoughts pop up when talking to other people!Also keep in mind that if the conversations turn out to be less than you'd hoped for, that's OK.  I'm assuming you are in high school, but in any situation with peers, if they don't like you then they aren't worth all your worry and effort.  Give change a chance--you've endured change in your life before this, so let it happen again.  You are in control here--you get to choose who you talk to and don't talk to.  That can be powerful!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?
After I told them, they yelled at me.

Answer:
I am so sorry to hear this has been your family’s reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer:
Let's acknowledge the fact that your mom has Alzheimer's and some who you know about her is not present sometimes. That's a part of the disease, we know. Let's also acknowledge that just because she has Alzheimer's doesn't mean that when that comes up for her a part of your brain does pauses or becomes something rubber so that what you experience during that time bounces off of you and doesn't get placed into your subcortical brain or deep limbic system. Your brain still takes in what is coming at you and that is tough. You are human and you have feelings and your feelings are present  and they matter! You are right, it isn't her fault, it's a part of the disease. I often work with my clients in session on the present feelings through Brain/Bodyspotting to help cope with these feelings. If you know someone who does it, I would do a couple of sessions to notice the guilt, when it first came up, where you feel it in your body, what it does or tells you, or where it goes. In order for us to feel better, we can't avoid the experience, we have to give space for it, for your brain to work itself out. Hopefully that helps!
Topic: depression

Question: How can I be less paranoid at night?
I'm currently up paranoid about, well, everything. I can't get to sleep, and I have a feeling of being watched constantly. I have extreme depression and anxiety. I'd really like to not be this paranoid and go to bed. I've tried night lights, ambiance, and warm baths.

Answer:
What kinds of things help you to feel safe?  I think it's great you've already tried a few things to help yourself sleep, even if they don't work.  Those methods of coping could be targeting something other than paranoia--which is maybe why you aren't finding those things are helpful.  If you are really struggling, sometimes meds can help to calm the brain a bit.  If you choose this route, make sure you give your prescribing doctor all the information about your symptoms so your meds can be as accurate as possible for what you're dealing with.If you have access, counseling could be beneficial as well.  There are more and more counselors becoming available via telehealth because of COVID, so you could even find someone to help you right in the space you feel most paranoid about (given that space is private).  Either way, talking some of those fears through could at the very least bring some insight, if not some relief.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
Absolutely not! When we have the courage to accept the challenge to address whatever is causing us pain, the solutions often generalize to many, if not all of our symptoms. I would suggest that unresolved trauma from sexual abuse is likely a primary contributing factor. However, it is important that you first build a trusting relationship with a therapist experienced in trauma treatment as this is an area of specialty that not all therapists are skilled in treating. Choosing one issue to work on, such as anxiety or depressive symptoms, and starting there will allow you the opportunity to get to know your therapist, learn coping skills for managing distressing symptoms, and establish emotional safety before jumping into trauma work.
Topic: trauma

Question: Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?
I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?

Answer:
First and foremost, be gentle and patient with yourself. It is normal to feel a range of emotions after a severe trauma including no emotions at all. Try not to push yourself to feel, just notice the lack of emotion you are experiencing right now. Maybe write about your emotions and the lack of them or talk about it with a safe person. Unfortunately recovering from trauma can take time and it's best done at your own pace. If you aren't feeling there may be a reason you aren't feeling. For severe trauma I always recommend working with a trained trauma professional who has the training to guide you on your path to healing fully.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Are some clients more difficult than others?
What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?

Answer:
Yes, just like some relationships outside of our work are more difficult than others. But, I would not say that the "client is more difficult," rather the dynamic between myself and the client, which constitutes a relationship, might feel more difficult. And that's okay (sometimes things that feel like the most challenging end up with profound shifts and outcomes.) It is often helpful to understand difficulties that exist, because they can illuminate for a therapist something with which a client might be struggling, and when it takes place in the therapy space, it can be experienced and then worked through.It's hard to necessarily say what some difficulties are that a counselor might encounter, but I would say that not showing up, like in any relationship, is one of the hardest things for me. And not just physically not showing up (though that is certainly frustrating), but not being open to the work is a form of not showing up. While not every client is as "motivated to change," it's helpful to my therapist-client relationships that the client try. It might be hard for them, but the effort even to say "this is tough for me" can go a long way in these kinds of relationships.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day
I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Answer:
Speaking with a licensed therapist will help you figure out if indeed you have a problem or not.  I would say the first question you should ask yourself is why you are drinking? The second would be why you feel the need to drink in excess? It may be due to a life event or the crowd you are running with.  Either way a therapist will be able to help you through this as you already made the first step in admitting you are having a difficult time.
Topic: depression

Question: Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?
A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection,    Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage.    I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to.    What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?

Answer:
Assuming there are no medical explanations for this issue, many men I've worked with on this come to see it as essentially a form of Anxiety. There is a phenomenon called the Yerkes Dodson Law (see below; source: Wikipedia), which basically states that if we feel either too much or too little stress, pressure, or nervousness about a task, it will adversely impact our ability to do carry it out successfully. The ideal amount of stress/arousal is right in the middle - not too little and not too much. This applies to more things than we might often realize - from giving a presentation, to ordering food, to making a free throw, to driving, to sexual intimacy as in this case. A common suggestion that many men find helpful is initiating open and honest conversations with their partners about this issue, and for a temporary period of time, agreeing to physical intimacy and sexual pleasure in other forms, and without the expectation of intercourse. There are many ways to go about that (which are outside the scope of this blog article), but this can be a path to connecting intimately and renewing physical bonding without unhelpful anxiety - and over time, can lead back to intimacy in all the ways that have become elusive. Best of luck.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
It is incredibly
important that a person feels that their therapist is right for them! The
importance of this is not only because they will be asked to be
vulnerable and honest during sessions, but also because it can impact treatment
outcomes. Having confidence in your therapist and the therapeutic relationship can
help foster success in therapy!Generally speaking, it is
a good fit if the therapist has expertise with your particular problem, you connect
the "feel" or “vibe” of the therapist, and you like their treatment
philosophy. In order to find out if it’s a good fit, you may have to directly
ask the therapist about their expertise and treatment philosophy. Many people
are arbitrarily matched to a therapist or believe that they have to see the
first therapist with an available appointment. It is important to remember that
you have a choice in who your provider is!As far as “training” your
therapist, there are caveats here. Your therapist is responsible for providing
ethical and competent services without you having to train them (such as maintaining
appropriate boundaries, maintaining confidentiality, etc.). Assuming they are
meeting those minimum requirements, the hope is that they are also
demonstrating respect for you (such as starting session on time, providing
consistency, and being non-judgmental). If you do not feel respected or you
have concerns about their judgements, I recommend you bring this to their
attention. While the therapeutic relationship is unique and is not like other
relationships in our lives, it is still a relationship. It may be uncomfortable to tell them how
you feel about their behavior, but there can be immense therapeutic value in these
conversations. 
If your therapist is
providing ethical services, competent services, and demonstrating respect for
you, it’s a good start. If you are not getting the results you hope to get from
therapy, it is still not your job to “train” the therapist, but it would be
beneficial to bring this to their attention. Ask them about that goals and
objectives that you are working on and ask for clarity on the direction of
treatment. These conversations can be incredibly beneficial to the therapeutic relationship
and the trajectory of treatment. Alternatively, if you are not feeling good
about the provider, their vibe, the goals, or the direction, it may be time to seek
a consultation with another therapist. “Starting over” in therapy does require
quite a bit of emotional energy but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it!
Topic: self-esteem

Question: I feel like I'm this dumb fat girl that no one likes, and everything is my fault. Are these normal teenage girl feelings?
Everyone around me is much smarter and flaunts it. Everyone around me is skinny, and here I am trying to throw up so I'm not fat. Everything I do is wrong, and I can't seem to do anything right! No one else at school seems to feel the way I do! Is this normal teenage girls feelings? I don't think these feelings are normal.

Answer:
There are some struggles that are less "obvious" than others, an eating disorder being one of them. From just your personal experience alone you might realize how easy it may seem to keep such a secret from those around you. In the same way, there are many people who struggle secretly with this problem and not many people know or even notice. So you are definitely not alone. Low self-esteem or lack of confidence in some areas are issues that EVERY teen, in fact EVERY person, has experienced at some point. These feelings are "normal." It sounds, though, as if these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy have begun to consume your every day thoughts and behaviors bringing you to where you are today - comparing yourself to others, purging, and feeling extreme guilt. Sometimes it's best if we seek outside help, instead of trying to tackle problems on our own. Breaking habits that come along with an eating disorder really requires the help of a doctor, nutritionist, and a therapist who can help change your perspective from the inside out! Hope this helps!
Topic: trauma

Question: How can I unblock my memories?
As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.

Answer:
Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!