thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: spirituality

Question: I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion
I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?

Answer:
I'm so sorry to hear that you don't feel as though your family would support you in embracing your true self. Because this is a very complex situation, I would encourage you to reach out to a local therapist who specializes in treating LGBTQ+ clients. An experienced therapist can help you to explore your feelings around your gender identity and assist in facilitating a discussion with your family or help you prepare to have that conversation on your own. I would also encourage you to contact national and local resources that can be tremendous sources of support. These include the following:GLBT National Youth Talkline - 1-800-246-7743Trans Lifeline - 1-877-656-8860Trevor LIfeline, TrevorChat, TrevorText - Text CHAT to 678-678 or call 1-866-488-7386At the end of the day, there is the family we are born with and the family that we choose. Give your family a chance, but if they refuse to accept you, know that there are people in this world who will appreciate you, validate you, and love you for who you are!
Topic: depression

Question: Why am I experiencing dfficulty maintaining an erection?
A few years ago I was making love to my wife when for no known reason I lost my erection,    Now I'm In my early 30s and my problem has become more and more frequent. This is causing major problems for my ego and it's diminishing my self esteem. This has resulted in ongoing depression and tearing apart my marriage.    I am devastated and cannot find a cause for these issues. I am very attracted to my wife and want to express it in the bedroom like I used to.    What could be causing this, and what can I do about it?

Answer:
Most men believe that getting an erection is just a given. However, research shows that men, even in their 20's and 30's can start to lose an erection sometimes. Unfortunately, what tends to happen is that men don't know this and become extremely upset and fearful after losing an erection because they don't know that it is normal and happens sometimes. Anxiety, depression and stress are the biggest culprits to losing erections at an early age. Anxiety or nervousness constricts the blood vessels, decreasing the amount of blood flow to the penis, thus diminishing an erection. Other reasons may be possible also, especially, when this first happened. My assumption would be that anxiety and fear of being able to keep your erection is contributing to continued difficulty with erections, but the initial cause would need to be explored more deeply.Initial causes of losing an erection could be many things. Anxiety, depression, stress, tiredness, or any negative emotion can cause you to lose your arousal and thus lose an erection. Also, I would encourage you to make sure that you see a doctor to check off that their are no medical concerns. Diabetes or weight issues might contribute to the loss of erection and so can other medical concerns. If it is causing relationship difficulties, the last thing you and your wife need to do is argue about it or get angry or frustrated with each other. I would encourage marriage counseling to make sure your relationship and COMMUNICATION is strong, especially around the topic of sex. I good sex therapist can probably assess what the initial contributing factor could be. A doctor to do a full medical check-up to make sure there are no physical issues (especially testosterone levels). Finally, one thing I encourage is to get back to the basics. Make sure your relationship is strong, keep excitement and dating and spontaneity a large part of your relationship. Bring enjoyment back into your relationship everyday. And, don't stress about the erection. Focus more on ENJOYING your wife, her body, and the all the experiences that come with "MAKING LOVE" to her. I have known men that can't get an erection, but still enjoy sex with their wife. With that said, if their are no physical concerns, then it is all in your head. So, learning how to relax and ENJOY the action is key!
Topic: intimacy

Question: My husband was lying about drinking again
My husband has had issues with alcohol addiction in the past (he'd never admit to this). A while back (3 years ago), I asked him to stop drinking so much, and he agreed. I caught him one night drinking behind my back. I confronted him and he lied, but I told him I knew he was lying because I counted the beers in the fridge and four of them were missing. He admitted and apologized and promised he wouldn't do it again. Lately, my husband has been drinking on and off, but I noticed it was every single night. I didn't like this. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided we were going to limit our alcohol consumption. He was on board—no more drinking every night.
 The other night, I counted the beers in the fridge just to see if some were missing. It took a couple of days, but tonight, I discovered a few were missing along with a shot of vodka. He was passed out on the couch when I decided to wake him up and confront him (poor timing, but I couldn't wait). I asked him if he'd come to bed with me (when he drinks, he snores and I cannot sleep—it's a dead giveaway he's been drinking). He slurred a bit and said no. I asked if he had been drinking, but he snapped and said no. I went into our room to sleep, leaving him on the couch.  I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. I just feel like I'm so honest with him about everything, and I expect the same honesty. He is a good husband in every other regard.

Answer:
As exasperated as you feel, and as obvious it is to you that your husband cares more about drinking than being honest with you, changing this is up to him.Does he care that you're upset with him for drinking more than he can handle?Does he care about you more than drinking?Living with an alcoholic, which is how his behavior sounds, is lonely and frustrating.Concentrate on what you like about him as he is now with his drinking.Your happiness matters.  His ignoring of what you're talking about, doesn't mean your requests are unreasonable.Be prepared to learn to live with and accept how he behaves, or not.Avoid the expectation that you can convince him to change.People change only when they realize their life can improve by changing.  He doesn't sound like this, at least now.
Topic: trauma

Question: Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?
I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?

Answer:
You have experienced trauma. Feeling detached or having difficulty connecting with your emotions is a common response after experiencing a traumatic event. It is the brain's way of trying to protect us from something that is incredibly overwhelming. I recommend finding an EMDR therapist. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. As an EMDR therapist can attest to the massive changes that using EMDR has had for many of the people I have worked with. When we experience a trauma, the sooner we can address it with EMDR, the quicker you will feel relief and the less likely it is to become "stuck" in your long term memory.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?
I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.

Answer:
Congrats on having a happiness problem.Go slowly and tell your partner how you feel as you discover how being loved feels.On a deep level you’re releasing yourself from interaction patterns which treated you poorly and unkindly.Time is needed of repeated occurrences of this newfound loving behavior toward you.Gradually you will trust more and more that your new living relationship life is your reality.
Topic: trauma

Question: What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?
I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Answer:
Let me begin by offering my condolences for your loss. I can understand how difficult this time maybe for you especially if you have several unanswered the questions due to the circumstances surrounding the death of your friend.  It's during this time, that you may experience the various stages of grief. This includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. In the bereavement process, there is so specific time frame or lengths of time for someone to work through each step. Its imperative to note  that one may express each stage with different levels of intensity. Also, the five stages do not necessarily occur in any specific order. We often move between stages before achieving a more peaceful acceptance of death. Just note that everyone greives differently, some internalize their feelings and emotions, others express it externally, while other avoid it all together.Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience. Sometimes we feel that no one understands what we are feeling or going through, much less comprehend our emotional state of mind . What's important, is that you allow others to comfort you through the various stages. My recommendation is to allow yourself to go through the emotions and feel the grief. Avoiding or resisting may only delay the healing process. Reaching the acceptance stage of mourning is a gift not not everyone is awarded, but seeking the help of a Grief counselor may assist in deciphering your emotions and set you on a more positive path to achieve closer.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get my husband back?
My husband and I are separated and he doesn't even want to talk to me.    He says he doesn't love me anymore, but I would do anything to get him back. Is there any hope?

Answer:
Most important is to take care of your feelings regarding that he has left you.From your description  there doesn't seem to be much hope your husband would like to keep the marriage going.Has a long time passed since the two of you separated?   Sometimes, and really this is very rare, people decide to return to their marriage.If he impulsively decided to leave and now is a short while since he did this, then there is some hope he will decide to stay together.If he's been out of the house for a while and tells you what you wrote, then there is greater chance he's had time to think through to split and will follow through.As painful as it is to hear that someone with whom you'd like to be, doesn't want to be with you, accepting your hurt feelings will eventually let you come to peace with your feelings.To keep hoping against the facts of what he's said to you, only makes your own pain intensify.
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I be with the boy who liked me?
There's this boy who asked me out awhile ago. I said no because my friends and family would think weirdly of me. How do I be with him and tell him and tell my friends?

Answer:
Since you've decided to be with the boy who already showed you his interest, then why not simply tell him you decided to accept his invitation to be together?Probably your first concern about hesitating to accept this boy into your life due to the way you imagine your family may react if you do, is the more complex matter to solve.Forming a relationship does bring up our values and the way these are different or similar to our own.    At the same time, we already have values which are rooted in those from the family in which we grew up.Your dilemma of wanting to be with this boy shows there is a clash between your values as an individual, including your choice of partner, and the way your family understands the values which support being part of a couple.Stay true to what you feel, whether this comes from your family or the way you currently are evolving.This will guarantee that your new relationship will be built on the values and person you truly are.
Topic: parenting

Question: My daughter isn't acting her age
My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is.    Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?

Answer:
Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close?  Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group.
Topic: diagnosis

Question: How do therapists characterize personality types?
How do therapists classify the type of personality their clients have? What characteristics do they look at to decide what type of personality the client has? I've read about this online, but I'd like to understand this from a therapist's point of view.

Answer:
That's a great question. There is such a wide range of ways to define "personality" that it is difficult to identify specific characteristics that are used to identify personality types.That being said, some clinicians will use standardized tests (or assessments) to assess a client's type of personality. While these tests can't tell us everything about a person, they can help us understand where we are within larger groups of different personality styles.Some counselors will also use a diagnostic tool (like the DSM or ICD) to help a client understand a diagnosis that is related to a personality disorder.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I stop myself from making poor choices and hurting the one I love?
I've been in a relationship for over a year. He's cheated and lied. I heard he's married, but he says he's not. Everything is very up and down; there's no trust. Recently, he went on a trip, and I promised him I'd behave and not drink because when I drink, I drink too much, and I tend to make poor choices. This time, I made a huge mistake: I drank too much, and I cheated on him. I slept with another man for about five minutes before realizing what I was doing is wrong. I told him and he just got really rude. He called me names and threatened me. I feel bad as I do love him. We just have so many issues. I'm not a bad person, I've just made a lot of bad mistakes. It’s unintentional, and I know right from wrong, but why do I still make the wrong choice?

Answer:
Hi Calgary (Canada!),  Let me get this straight...you're in a 'relationship', but he might be married. You both cheat and lie and he's abusive. The short answer is that there is too much wrong here for this therapist to try and fix it. Relationships don't heal us and they don't help us grow up. We have to be mature and stable enough to love someone before it's going to work. I'd recommend you focus on yourself alone for a while. You have a lot to sort out. I wish you the best.
Topic: trauma

Question: Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?
I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?

Answer:
It depends on what you mean by problems however, a therapist who specializes in PTSD I can say it wouldn’t be uncommon to see an increase in PTSD symptoms or severity after something like a car accident. It is just adding trauma onto trauma. Sort of like kicking you when you are down, your body may not have the same resources to handle the car accident as it did at other times in your life. Hopefully that makes sense.
Topic: parenting

Question: Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse?
My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?

Answer:
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?
Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Answer:
When my clients say they are having a similar experience I teach them two main coping skills. The first is to simply say, out loud, STOP! The reasoning behind this is that we cannot talk and have an audible thought at the same time. This will only work in the short term and the rebound thoughts from this can be just as bad or overwhelming so I also teach to couple this with the STOPP Technique. The STOPP technique is:Stop what you’re doing Take a step back to calm and gather yourself. This can be done with Box Breathing where you inhale for a count of 4, hold the breath for a count of 4, exhale for a count of 4, and hold for a count of 4. Repeat this for at least 5 sets.  ObserveTHOUGHTS: What thoughts am I having? What’s going through my mind? What am I saying to myself?BODY SENSATIONS: What physical sensations am I experiencing? Where in my body am I experiencing them?FEELINGS: What feelings or emotions am I experiencing?BEHAVIOUR: What am I doing? How am I acting? What do I want to doPlan: What’s the best/most important thing for me to do right now? Proceed to act mindfully, taking whatever action you’ve planned.Then to see if there are any underlying issues causing the thoughts, I would make an appointment to see a therapist in your area.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer:
We cannot control how our partners will react when we ask for support. It is important to focus on what you can control, which is you. It is important to know what kind of support you need and lead with that. For example, "I don't need you to try and fix this, but I need you to listen while I tell you what I have been feeling. When I am done, a hug would be nice." or "I am feeling stuck and whenever I think about this issue I just get so sad, can you help find a solution." If we can tell our partner what we expect upfront, then it is more likely that you will feel supported. It is very empowering to know what we want and to ask for it! It may be hard to be direct because we want our partner just to know what we need, but that is not realistic. There are a few thinking errors in this conversation. Working with me you will learn all about thinking errors and how to replace them.
Topic: spirituality

Question: I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?
Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?

Answer:
There are an infinite number of ways to look at this. Spirituality, religion, God, higher power, and many other parts of this discussion mean different things to different people. My question for you is what does "real" actually mean to you? Often, the concept of God has to do with what you believe in. If you ask 1000 different people, you'll probably get almost that many different answers.Consider talking with friends or family about this. I would suggest, though, that you have the discussion initially with people who you trust and who you feel are willing to listen to your questions and beliefs and perhaps offer an opinion without trying to make you believe as they do. You may also consider speaking with a pastor or another religious figure. The local Salvation Army may have a link to a religious or spiritual person that leads nondenominational church services. There may be able to help you to sort through this if your friends and family do not provide a comfortable environment for you related to this discussion.Just a word of caution. In my experience, ideas of religion and spirituality can be lead to very deep discussions with some people who are very strongly connected to what they believe. Some people do not easily separate their own beliefs from those of others. When initiating conversations about this, try first asking whether someone would be comfortable discussing religion or spirituality. A second question may be whether it is okay with this person you are talking to if you have different beliefs or opinions.As far as whether God is real or not, consider trusting yourself and what you learn, feel, and believe as you work through this process.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
Not at all my dear. Human beings are complex creatures, and in my opinion, our issues interconnect in a very nuanced web between our levels of being (for example, mind, body, and spirit). Everything you bring up affects all three. The truly beautiful thing about the human body is that when you begin to work on one, the others improve as well!I would encourage you to seek out a counselor who's style and approach speaks to you and start with whichever issue feels most pressing to you. A skilled therapist will flow with you at your own pace and make recommendations to other professionals (e.g., physicians, holistic practitioners, EMDR specialists for trauma etc) as needed to complement the psychotherapy work you're doing with him or her to help you find the total healing you seek. I wish you well on your journey!