thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.

Answer:
There are a lot of different things that could be playing a role here.First, different people have unique levels of sex drive, and sometimes there is a hormonal imbalance.Because you say both that there is a possibility that neither one of you "actually knows what you're doing," and you want to be better connected with your husband, consider having some time where you sit together and touch each other in nonsexual ways and communicate about what you like and don't like. One person would be doing the touching and the other would be communicating. Then the rules would switch. After you both become comfortable with that, you could try the same thing with touching that is sexual in nature.Dr. Tammy Nelson is a therapist who specializes in relationships and sexual issues and she has several books and lots of other resources on her website: https://www.drtammynelson.com/There are actually therapists who specialize in sex therapy and if you are interested in that, you would want a therapist who is a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). This does not mean that they only specialize in sexual addiction, but they do have special training in discussing sexual elements of relationships and their training is quite extensive.In addition to connecting sexually, you may consider discussing with your husband whether each of you are aware of things that make you feel valued, special, loved, and appreciated. It may be that making positive changes related to your sex life would also improve your relationship, and vice versa.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: I have a compulsion to fill in holes in my skin with ink
I never get infections or scars or anything, and it doesn't bother me if it gets filled up with blood or something, but I'm concerned.

Answer:
Hi Houston, The fact that you're concerned says a lot. If I was your therapist I'd ask you questions about your worries and how this is causing a problem in your life. You're causing perhaps permanent changes (damage?) to your body, and it's likely you're trying to express something...pain maybe? A therapist can help you to explore what's going on for you and how to get your needs for self-expression met in a more healthy way. Good luck!
Topic: anger-management

Question: Why do I get angry so easily?
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

Answer:
It’s important to think to yourself about what it is about losing the comb that gets you so angry. What are the thoughts that go through your mind when things that are out of your control (like losing the comb) happen? It’s okay to be upset, but some self-awareness about what’s going on to cause those feelings is important, and only you can know what thoughts are going through your mind when you find yourself becoming angry. Is it that you feel badly about yourself when these small things happen? If that’s the case then you need to work on your self-esteem. Is it that you are frightened when you don’t know where something is and that causes the anger? Try to identify the thought behind the feeling. As for the throwing things when you become angry- please know, it’s okay to feel angry. Feeling the emotion of anger isn’t necessarily a problem. Any emotion is okay to have. It’s how we express our emotions that sometimes becomes the problem. Throwing things can be a dysfunctional way of handling anger (like if the things you throw break, or if someone sees you throwing things and becomes scared) and it would be a good idea to work with a therapist or anger management coach to brainstorm some healthier ways to express your feelings.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
If you are not able to build a rapport even after many sessions, thats when you will know that the therapist is not right for you. Also, you dont have to train the therapist regarding the treatment plan. The therapist alone cannot decide what's needed for the client without client taking the driver seat !
Topic: lgbtq

Question: I crossdress and I don't know how to feel about it
I am a heterosexual male in my late 20s. I find myself wearing pantyhose, heels, skirts and other women's clothing in private. I am torn on how to feel about it. I enjoy it very much. I have had a pantyhose/stocking fascination and other kinky fetish interests since I was young. I have no history of sexual abuse growing up. I am currently single.

Answer:
Normalizing cross-dressing and being open and accepting about who you are.   Consider your personal reasons for crossdressing, perhaps to release stress, embrace your feminine side (we all have feminine and masculine energy), and decide for yourself if it is or it is not for sexual stimulation.
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: How does counseling end?
How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

Answer:
Hi there, There are a number of reasons why a therapeutic relationship might end including, but not limited to the client reaching their goals, the client reaching a place of acceptance where they wish to remain or even a breach within the relationship.  The last aspect should likely be taken to supervision in order to be fully processed.  All of these things could happen, and usually happen organically (again, except for the last example). Your question, however, was about the counselor ending treatment. This is a bit more difficult and can be very nerve-wracking.  It may be beneficial to take this with you to supervision, as well.  It's important to understand why you feel the need to end or terminate with the client, as well. Do you feel that they would be better suited for another therapist, have they achieved their goals or is it something else?In regular, open-ended sessions, I try to make a point of checking in with the clients fairly frequently. In these check-ins, I use the time to ask the client how they feel about the sessions and if there is anything they wish to focus on more astutely.  I also ask if they have any immediate goals that they would like to prioritize.  In goal-oriented sessions, I check in more frequently to ensure that both the client and I remain focused and, should they wish to shift their focus, that they recognize it is part of my responsibilities to make sure we move back to the desired goal. Often, especially in longer term therapeutic relationships, we as clinicians can see that the client has reached their goal, however they are apprehensive about ending therapy.  This is actually a great place to go with them; why would they feel unable to handle issues in their external or internal environment without you? Often, having this open discussion can increase empowerment and mastery. That said, it could also highlight other issues which the client may have been apprehensive about going into within therapy and now, as the relationship seems to be ending, feels more confident in bringing these up. In the case where the relationship is a toxic one, terminating with a client may be the best option for both of you. It's a difficult conversation, but recall that part of the role of the therapist is to model that these discomforts can be managed. I hope that this brief response can assist you going forward!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: My husband doesn't include me in the family
I've been hurt by a man for five years. He doesn't involve me with the family or kids. Everyone in the family is against me. There is a Mass today for a family member, and he never asked me to go. I'm to sit home alone now and Christmas too. He expects me to sit alone while he enjoys being with the family. We are in our 50s, and it hurts that he won't even think of me or involve me as part of the family. He doesn't even care. I am leaving him as soon as possible, but I hurt so bad that I didn't know who to turn too. I'm now in this low funk of depression, and I'm scared because I do stupid things to myself and give up. I have no friends because I was a truck driver. I've been getting serious headaches and can't sleep. I don't eat; I've lost my appetite. This has been going on for a couple weeks now.

Answer:
Hi Florida,I get the sense that, aside from this relationship, you're quite isolated in general. It's sad that you're feeling excluded at Christmastime and family events. While I would suggest that you don't really know what he or his family are thinking or feeling (you assume they're against you, and that he doesn't care), he is certainly behaving in a very distant, excluding manner and it's understandable that you would feel rejected and hurt. How long has this part been happening? Has he always acted this way, or is it more recent? Did something happen recently? You mentioned doing "stupid things to yourself", and I don't know what that means. If you are engaging in self-harm he may be confused about what to do and he might need some time to think and be separate but is having trouble talking about this. Part of the problem, of course, is that you don't know what's going on for him. Certainly, you deserve the truth, and if he doesn't want to spend time with you, I would hope he would be honest. Have you been open to hearing the truth from him? Is there any reason for him to hesitate to tell you why he's being distant? Maybe you could ask him, if you are ready to hear.I'm glad to hear that you believe that you deserve a full, loving relationship, although it seems that moving forward might be difficult for you. Is it possible your happiness is a bit too dependant on this man? I'm just guessing, based on what you've said here.  It seems that it's possible your situation has led to some depression, and I would recommend a session with a qualified therapist to help you sort this out. You will need support, even if the relationship is repaired. Best of luck.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: I just lost my grandpa
I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Answer:
Grief can be confusing, and it can be hard to know who to talk to and how you are supposed to feel. It can be helpful to talk to a trusted adult to get support with talking to your family  about your need for counseling at this difficult time. You can find free resources and support online at:-https://whatsyourgrief.com-www.GriefNet.org-The Dougy Center at https://www.tdcschoolkit/org/teens
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: My husband treats me terribly
My husband and I have been together for seven years now. I will be honest: I have a problem lying to him about stupid stuff. I recently stupidly lied to my husband about an accident because I was afraid to tell him what happened. Ever since then, he gives me the cold shoulder. He gets so mad and ignores me for days. He's really verbally and emotionally abusive. He tells me all the bad things about me and calls me awful names. Should we call it quits? I'm tired of crying, but we have a toddler together.

Answer:
Hi Texas, Thanks for your honesty; it helps me know where to go in answering you. What strikes me in your question is that you describe several ways in which your husband is hurtful/abusive/controlling with you, and then you ask "Should we call it quits?". We? I wonder if maybe the first step is for you to start seeing this decision as yours, rather than yours together. The way your husband treats you is not your fault, Texas. Your lies are a natural and normal way of you avoiding situations and encounters that feel unsafe for you. The problem is not your lying. The problem is that you don't feel safe enough to be honest with a person you're supposed to be able to trust.There's an analogy that I sometimes use; I don't know if this is scientifically true or simply a useful story, but it's powerful either way, so I will tell it to you.If you take a frog and drop it into a pot of boiling water, the frog will jump out immediately, knowing instinctively that if it stays in the pot, it will die. If you take a frog, however, and put it in a pot of cold water, and slowly, slowly, heat it to boiling, the frog will boil to death because it will fail to recognise the moment when it no longer has the energy to jump out of the pot; by the time it realises it's dying, it has lost its strength. It's called "learned helplessness". When your power or your voice has been taken away for a long time, you get used to that, and you fail to see the options that are available to you. You have a toddler, and you may be under the impression that staying in the marriage is best for the child. In my experience, and what research backs up, is that children first and foremost need a safe environment and parents who are happy. You are likely underestimating the effects on your child of living in a home with woman abuse. This is a complex picture, and if you were my client, I would want to get you to a stronger place emotionally where you're seeing the situation clearly and gathering resources and supports before you make any big decisions, but I do see that there are decisions that are there for you to make that can lead to a happy life for you and your child. I sincerely hope you seek professional help, with either a shelter for abused women or a therapist. I wish you the best.
Topic: parenting

Question: How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?
My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?

Answer:
If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role.  If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with.  The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between.  Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential.  Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
Firstly, I would like to say how amazing that you have been able to live through breast cancer, sexual abuse as well as your depression and anxiety. You are stronger than you may believe at this moment for being able to continue to grow and live through these experiences. Take a moment to acknowledge your strength and know that this strength will be an asset during the therapeutic process that you will be able to tap into to find increased self esteem and more strength to address the concerns you are having. There are never too many concerns to address in therapy sessions. I hope you can find a great therapist who you can trust to listen and work with you to identify and address
the most concerning issues first. Once you begin to do this you may find an alleviation of symptoms and feelings which could allow you to grow your capacity to manage difficult feelings and situations and address additional concerns. Before you even realize it the issues you are having will begin to feel more manageable.
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: How does counseling end?
How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

Answer:
In general, I usually let the client decide when this should occur, sometimes with some clients it will be a joint agreement, but even in that case it should weigh mostly on what the client feels. In short, therapy ends when you feel your done.C
Topic: depression

Question: My family says I have depression
I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks.    Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right.
   Are they right, am I depressed?

Answer:
Those are really heavy feelings to have, even if you don't meet the cookie-cutter criteria of depression.It seems like you are still pretty young and maybe have recently graduated?  It's normal in the late-teen development phase to have a lot of self-doubt about who you are and what you want in life.  There's so much pressure on people your age to figure out what you are supposed to be doing and it can be easy to criticize and compare yourself.  It's also common to feel like a sense of loss if your high school relationships have changed since going to college.  Maybe these things aren't happening for you, but if they are that's OK.  Many college students experience what you are going through and there are usually campus counseling services at reduced rates for students.  Right now with COVID-19, those may be via telehealth.What are your personal relationships in your life like?  You mention living with your dad--is he a support?  Is anyone else in your family supportive for you?  It's not clear what role your family plays in your life or depression, but it seems like they are noticing some concerns about your behavior.  If it seems like they are highlighting those out of concern, I wonder if they would also want to help you.  That's not always everyone's situation, but there are a lot of online support groups, counselors, and resources if you are feeling alone.Other ways to cope with depression (no matter how intense) is to exercise.  It's not a cure, but it has awesome benefits for the brain and has shown in studies to reduce anxiety and depression symptoms drastically.  Even something like walking can help.If you feel it's unmanageable, you can talk to your primary doctor about medications that could be right for you.  There are a lot out there developed for depressive symptoms that work pretty well for most people.Lastly, find some ways to show yourself that you are worthy!  Notice in your question that you said "sometimes"--what are those other times you feel worthy?  Or times that you feel you are doing things "right"?  Reframing that voice in your head can help as well--like maybe you are just doing the best you can with what you have.  Could that be true?  And that doesn't mean you don't make mistakes!  Mistakes are part of being human, and you can definitely cope with them.  Hope this helps!
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why am I so nervous talking to people?
Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such.

Answer:
Hi. I'm glad you wrote, because I think a lot of people have this same issue (to different degrees) and we don't talk about it much. You have some social anxiety that is a bit beyond what the average person might feel. Most people have some amount of worry about what others might think of them, and this probably prevents us from making complete fools of ourselves so that's a good thing. But your "alarm system" is out of whack and you are spending too much time worrying about how you come across. As you age you understand this more, and it's true...that other people really aren't thinking about you much or monitoring you at all; they're too busy having the same thoughts you're having! Am I good enough? Do people like me, judge me...think I'm weird? We're all concerned about how we come across far more than how others come across. Like many people, you lack compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself and confidence in yourself. My gut says that these things came from somewhere in your past. Our sensitivities usually come from (as well as genetics) a specific time in our life when we experienced or felt something that was overwhelming and we end up with an alarm system that overreacts at times. Without more details, it's difficult to go further here. I recommend you see a therapist who does cognitive behavioural therapy, which can help you understand the roots of your fears and learn how to manage them more successfully.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I'm worried that I will be single forever
I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
   Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.

Answer:
I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, "what's the rush?"  Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of.  If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it.  One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals.  Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down.