thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get over a person I fell in love with?
I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before.    I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people.
   How can I get myself to just move on?

Answer:
What if we think about this in metaphor: imagine a dirt road suddenly paved over - where before it was small, once paved, it was faster, smoother and suddenly you, the driver, knew what real driving could feel like. Then your road got a pothole: now, every time you drive, you hit that hole, and it only seems to get worse, the more you drive over it.  Until that hole is patched - until you choose to fill your heart with either love for another or love for yourself - you might find it challenging to 'keep driving on your road'. Instead of letting go of how you felt, try to hang on to that feeling, just direct it inwards: you've shared you're capable of feeling strongly for another, surely, you're worthy of that same regard? All the best~
Topic: depression

Question: Why do I feel like I'm nothing more than a wife and mom?
I'm in my mid 20s with a husband and children. I love my family, but I feel like I've lost my identity, and I don't know who I am other than a mom and wife. At times, all I can think is what I gave up and how I feel unhappy and trapped, but I know I'd feel like worse without them. I loathe myself at times. I have an amazing life, so why can't I just enjoy it?

Answer:
It is not easy being a wife and mother. You have shifted roles in your life. You went from having a career to focusing on your family. Transitioning can be hard, especially when we feel we gave something up that we really wanted. I want to acknowledge you for wanting to be the best wife and mother you can. I think it is great that you are self-aware and want to work on this.Feeling "unhappy and trapped" may also mean that you are  believing these negative thoughts are absolutely true. We have lots and lots of thoughts throughout the day. Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to some and some we ignore. Right now these thoughts are getting a lot of your attention and perhaps you are thinking because you are thinking them they are true.  Is it really true that you trapped? You also said that you have an amazing life. It doesn't sound like you are only having negative thoughts. You have some positive ones, too. However, you are giving a lot of weight to the negative thoughts, more weight than the positive ones.I also wonder if you are struggling with the fact that you are even having this thought. One thing that can be helpful is to recognize that you are having a thought, that it is a negative thought, that thinking it does not make it true, and to let it go. This is the basis for mindfulness work that can be really helpful. It is a great place for you to start so you can balance out your thoughts and emotions.Best of luck to you!
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I learn to be content and at peace?
I recently broke up with my boyfriend After being together for over 4 years. I truly believe I did the right thing, but omehow being single now has made me very needy and unsure of myself.
    I am seeing someone casually and I am losing my mind with anxiety about how he feels about me and this need for validation.
   How can I learn to be content and at peace with myself regardless of my career, relationship status, etc?

Answer:
Possibly you haven't completed your phase of mourning the recently passed relationship and lifestyle which surrounded it.Relationship breakups mean a person's entire life goes through an adjustment since the relationship impacted all areas of your life.Give yourself some patience to restore yourself from the old relationship. When you feel whole again then more than likely you will lose some of the anxiety wondering what your new casual partner feels about you.And instead of wondering,  you may simply decide to ask the person your question!
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer:
Yes, it is completely normal to feel anxious about therapy. Therapy often explores topics and feelings that are uncomfortable. The ultimate goal of therapy is to feel better but the process itself can be uncomfortable.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My wife doesn't want to have sex
My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Answer:
I suggest seeking the support of an AASECT certified sex therapist to help work through much of the issues you address, you simply may need some really qualified support. Also, you might be interested in watching Esther Perel's ted talk on the secret to desire in a long term relationship, and/or you might want to sign up for my own 8-part-series on Reconnecting Parent Couples
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

Answer:
It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.  The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.  Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage.  Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though.   I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work.  The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?
I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?

Answer:
Look up online what the local hospital offers to people.  Also, google some of the key words you just wrote here, like depression and counseling, low-cost counseling.Did your primary physician tell you their reason to not help you?  If not, then ask the person to tell you their reasoning.  Even if the specific doctor won't help you, by understanding their reason, you may be able to work with the answer you hear.
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: How does counseling end?
How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

Answer:
In the best case scenario, it's a mutual discussion and decision. If not,  I've had the discussion initiated both ways, by me, when I sense the client has gone has far as they want, by lack of interest in accepting or completing homework assignments, missing or cancelling appointments, usually at the last minute, lack of participation during sessions.  Client initiates by asking me pointed questions about why the need for homework assignments,, by forgetting their calendar, or their checkbook :) , by suggesting that we make appointments over longer intervals (once a week to once a month, for example).  I rarely have had to terminate a working relationship--that's why I don't charge for the first visit, so we know if we are a good fit before we start working together.  Then I periodically ask whether the client feels we are making progress, moving in the right direction, talking about the most relevant issues etc.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I get my wife to forgive me?
I didn't trust my wife when I found out that she had a new guy friend that she was texting and calling. I investigated him before I found out that he was gay and that there was nothing going on. Now all my wife and I do is fight about trust.

Answer:
Hello. Being unable to trust your significant other certainly can cause one to feel unsettled. Has your spouse ever done anything questionable that would cause you to not trust her? If so, then it will take time and some work to gain the trust back. Couple's counseling would be of benefit. If not, then you may want to consider seeing a therapist on your own in order to better learn where your insecurities come from. There are several possible reasons why you may be feeling insecure but without knowing them, the issue is not likely to get resolved. In the meantime, I suggest that when you're feeling upset and are unable to trust what your wife says/does, think before you speak. Ask yourself if you have valid reasons to not trust her. Instead of arguing, try and communicate how you're feeling and let her know that resolving this trust issue will be a top priority for you so that you can focus on other aspects of your relationship. Hope it all works out for you both!
Topic: intimacy

Question: I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media
For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does.
   Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?

Answer:
Ask her to consider your feelings not only her own defensiveness that she is called a whore by you.Clearly since you're writing on a site which offers psychological and emotional support and guidance, you do not consider your gf to be a whore.She may not realize or considered that you are somewhat protective of who sees her body.   In the end she may not want the privacy over her body which you are encouraging her to have.At least you will have the satisfaction to know you stated your actual reasons for your request, and did not rely on the ones she imagined you have.
Topic: marriage

Question: How can my marriage be fixed?
I've only been married three months. Every week, we argue about something, and it seems to be getting worse.

Answer:
One key factor to consider is, are you able to repair after your arguments? It seems from your question that repair is lacking after any disagreement or argument. When couples are able to repair after an argument, they have an opportunity to learn more about each other's needs moving forward. I'm also curious if you're having the same type of arguments over and over? If you're stuck in a particular pattern, and can start recognizing what happens between you when this pattern happens, then you can start to name it. Once you name it, then you can take a break to cool off and come back to each after your nervous system has had a chance to calm down (about 30 minutes). The key here though is to make sure you have a plan in place - when things are good between you - an agreement between you that when you both start to get escalated, you'll name it or have an agreed upon code word to signal you don't want to continue this cycle, and then agree to cool off and come back together at a later time. That way, when this is enacted during an argument, nobody feels abandoned during the cool off time. Rather, both partners know they will return at a time when they can truly hear each other and hear their needs.
Topic: intimacy

Question: What can I do when my boyfriend says he's not ready for marriage?

Answer:
If you are ready for marriage and he isn't, then ask him his reasons and what his terms would be for making the decision to marry.This way you'll know if he ever would like to be married and if the terms he states are similar enough to yours that this relationship is worth continuing.Also, marriage means living one life together, so it is good practice for the two of you to have discussions on the deeper and more intimate concerns of your lives.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer:
Hello and thank you for your question. In my work with clients who are experiencing depression due to low self-esteem, it is not uncommon to experience the myriad of symptoms that you are having. You have already taken the first step toward change by acknowledging that it needs to occur so congratulate yourself. One way to begin to change your feeling of being worthless to everyone is to change your "self-talk". You may have learned this negative language (ex. use of absolutes like always, never, all the time, everyone, and no one) throughout your life and being mindful of this language and being specific (ex. at times, some times, etc.), can help lessen the feeling of being "worthless." Another step to remedy this is to learn ways to become more compassionate with yourself. Attending a support group could help with learning self=compassion. Joining a support group could also help you see that you are not alone in how you feel, thus helping you to feel less isolated and less uncommon. Lastly, seek out professional assistance from a therapist, counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc. Some insurances are waiving co-pays (depending on your plan eligibility and benefits) during the COVID-19 epidemic and if you do not have insurance, try out OpenPath.org. They offer low cost online (telehealth) counseling to those who are in need of it. Remember, you are NOT alone. This feeling is all too common, but with the right help, support, encouragement, and resources, you can turn this feeling of "worthlessness" into a feeling of "worthiness". Best wishes. Valerie Kuykendall-Rogers, MA, LPC-S
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer:
It takes a lot of courage to go to therapy.  I have gone myself as a Counselor and know what that feeling is like. This is normal but hopefully you have become more comfortable with your therapist. This might be something to bring up to your Therapist and openly discuss (scary to do but its ok) this may even relieve some of your anxiety.  If it continues, you may want to consider trying another therapist as this one may not be the best fit for you.
Topic: relationships

Question: I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Answer:
Hi Montgomery, Your first sentence says it all. He might be an amazing person, but there's something missing for you. I'm curious...you say this is a long distance relationship. Did you make a connection through social media or email first? Maybe a dating website? I'm just wondering if this is the case. These modern ways of meeting people are awesome because we can be exposed to a wide variety of people who we never would meet in the grocery store or a friend's party. There are complications, though, and one of the drawbacks is you can feel very connected to someone and care about them a great deal before you ever meet them in person. Then, when you finally meet them and there isn't that spark of magnetic physical attraction, you're in a bit of a difficult spot because you've already established that you're drawn to each other in other ways; you're already connected. It can be very awkward then to say "Now that I meet you, it doesn't feel the way it should for me". In the future, I suggest meeting up in person early on, to answer that crucial question "Are we physically attracted to each other?". Clearly, this is not only important for you, but it is for most of us.My guess is that you feel you owe this man your affection and commitment even though you're not really all that into him (lusting after other men is a sign of that), because you like absolutely everything else about him. But honesty is crucial here, both with yourself and this man. Just because you don't find yourself attracted to him doesn't mean that you're a bad person, or that he's not attractive. Someone else might drool over him and I think he deserves someone who does just that. You can have both love and lust. For most people, only one of them isn't enough.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?
I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

Answer:
It sounds like your in quite a rough place, my recommendation just based on what you type might warrant a visit to a psychotherapist to resolve what may be going on, I am not entirely sure but it sounds like he might have a bit of a sex addiction problem. One thing you need to ask yourself is "Am I happy?", "Do I feel loved?", these are deep questions, but the answers to those questions will give you a direction to travel in.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: What happens in a counseling session?
After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?

Answer:
After meeting a client, many Counselors will ask you lots of questions in order to complete a thorough assessment of what you came to counseling for. This assessment is required by most insurances and allows the Counselor to give a diagnosis, which is also required by most insurances in order for them to pay the Counselor. If you are paying out of pocket, this diagnosis is not really required for payment, but many Counselors will still perform a comprehensive assessment because we really want to know what the issues are that brought you to us. The better we understand what it is that bothers you, what you would like to get out of the counseling, and all the various things that tend to affect people such as family upbringing and medical issues, the easier it is for us to help you reach those goals. How the counseling actually plays out from there depends a lot on the theory that the Counselor uses to direct their approach to counseling, and that information is too much for this little post.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?
After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Answer:
Sexuality is normally formed during adolescence. It would be extremely rare for someone to develop feelings of same-sex attraction later in life. I would explore whether the attraction you are experiencing is sexually-based or intimacy-based. Perhaps you are craving a close, emotionally intimate relationship with the same-sex, but have somehow sexualized that desire. People often short-cut emotional intimacy for sexual intimacy. This would be something to explore with a counselor.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I fix my trust issues with my wife?
I’m always questioning her about things such as who she is texting and talking to on the phone, why she is always on social media, checking her phone records, and going through her phone. I do this knowing that I have never found any reason for her to be cheating, and I have no reason to.

Answer:
Understand the reasons you feel mistrustful.  Even though you aren't finding evidence of cheating, your weak sense of faith in your wife's behavior is worth examining bc trust is fundamental to a good relationship.It is possible you don't have faith in yourself to accurately tell whether someone is telling you the truth or whether you are interpreting evidence accurately.Anyone who has themselves had their trust severely violated will feel uneasy to naively trust what is on face value.The work requires observing your own confidence in gradually feeling safe that what someone tells you is true, is actually true.Examine as much evidence as needed of whether what the other person tells you they're doing, does in fact take place.When the facts line up and show you no reason to be fearful, then you will be one step closer to trusting yourself to trust someone else.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How can I avoid family members who stress me out?
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Answer:
It sounds as though there is a need to establish some healthy boundaries with your mother. Simply put, a boundary is a line or space between you and another person. It is also a way of defining what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable. When working with clients, I teach them that there are 4 Rules to Setting Healthy Boundaries. First, the boundary must be clear and definable. Think of a boundary like lines on a football field. The other person needs to know when they are "in bounds" or if they have stepped "out of bounds." Second, the other person must be told about the boundary. It's not fair for me to enforce a consequence if I've never told you about the boundary. Third, there must be a consequence for violating the boundary. This is often the place where people struggle. It's important to identify a consequence that is appropriate and proportionate to the violation. Finally, the fourth (and most important) rule is "If you are not willing to follow rule #3, don't bother with any of this. The reason the fourth rule is so important is that if someone violates my boundary and I refuse to enforce the consequence, I've basically told them that my boundaries mean nothing. You are well within your rights to establish a boundary with your mother. You are not her therapist. Remember to communicate your boundary to her in a way that is clear and unambiguous. Also, make sure that you enforce the consequence in the event that she doesn't adhere to your boundaries.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer:
Seasonal depression may be something you are experiencing. The great thing is that every fight can be won with a plan. You can create a game plan for what do to or where to be during this season. I would connect with someone to create that plan. Implement it when the winter season comes again and see if you have the same results as last year without having a plan.