thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
This is a great question. I think that as a client it is important to educate yourself on how to look for a therapist. I think the process of looking for a therapist can be intimidating for some people and they may just pick the first therapist they find who takes their insurance. I think if you take a little more time, you will be able to find the best therapist for you.The most important thing is probably to create a list of therapists you are interested in working with. You might get referrals from friends, or check out some websites. You want to see that the person you are working with mentions working with people with the issues you want to address. You also want to see what they say about how they work with their clients. If they only do Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and you don't feel comfortable with only that modality, then keep checking out other therapists. You want to definitely call a few therapists to talk. Don't just make an appointment with the first one who answers their phone! See what each therapist feels like to talk to over the phone. Do you feel comfortable? Do they make you feel at ease? Do they use a lot of jargon? Not every therapist may be the right match for you. Ask questions. If they say they use a certain modality and you have never heard of it, have them explain it to you. Do they explain it in a way that makes sense to you? Keep listening to make sure you feel comfortable and feel like they "get you."The best way to "train" your therapist is to be upfront about what it is you need. Let them know what is working and what isn't working. Learning how to communicate with your therapist will not only make your therapy more productive, but it is usually a good way to practice the new skills you will be developing.Best of luck on your journey!
Topic: relationships

Question: I feel like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me
What do I do if I have been feeling like I could never be with anyone because no one would want me. Or I couldn't have many friends because of who I am. It's strange I want to be loved but I'd hate to be because I always lose.

Answer:
As a relationship therapist I work with a lot of people who feel similar feelings to some degree or another and almost always find that the origin of these feelings point back towards childhood. How did you caregivers express (or not express) love towards you? How did they express (or not express) love towards one another. These early messages become your template for how you have learned to see yourself and what you expect from others. In his book Wired for Love, Stan Tatkin, PsyD writes “We learn to love ourselves precisely because we have experienced being loved by someone. We learn to take care of ourselves because somebody has taken care of us. Our self worth and self-esteem also develop because of other people.”  This could be very fruitful to explore in individual therapy with a relationship therapist who really gets it, you may have to interview a few to find the right fit; that's OK. Maybe you'd even want to read that book I linked above. :) Noticing this pattern is HUGE, it's where transformation begins. And now that you have be kind with yourself, it begins there too.
Topic: marriage

Question: How do I deal with my husband being mean to me?
My father is in the hospital and was diagnosed with leukemia. I have been dealing with that all day. My husband keeps getting mad at me for things that I said.

Answer:
I don't know how long you have been married, but this might be a time to explain to your husband what you wish he could do for you in this moment. It could be that he is showing that he is getting mad at you because he is worried about you and it is just coming out wrong. Maybe he would be open to an honest discussion?
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I end it?
How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Answer:
Hi!I’m sorry you’re having this dilemma. I wish I knew a little more about the situation to give a better answer. Have you discussed what is causing you to consider breaking up with your partner? Based on the information given, I suggest starting off making a pros and cons list. Pros for staying in the relationship and cons for staying. See which side has more. Follow your gut. Hope this helps as a start.
Topic: relationships

Question: My boyfriend thinks he's perfect and puts his friends before me
My boyfriend’s sneaky and puts his friends before me. He fights just to leave. One day, he's happy. The next, he's mean and blames me for everything. He can't admit faults. He thinks he's perfect and does no wrong.

Answer:
Hi, Ontario. I live in the other Ontario; in Canada. I'll try to help you sort this out. You have a long list of complaints about your boyfriend! It sounds like he's maybe a bit immature and moody, and these things affect you, for sure. I get it. It's got me curious, and if I was working with you, I'd want to know a lot more about how long you've been together and what's actually working well between you two. I would also ask a lot of questions about the details of your description. What tells you he's 'sneaky'? Does he lie? How do you know he lies to you? Also, are you wanting to make things better with him, do you just want an ear to vent to, are you looking for validation, or do you hope someone will help you wake up to an unhappy situation?  It helps me if I know what you want.Whenever I meet someone who has a lot of complaints about their partner or boyfriend, I encourage them first to look at the language they're using. Some of your words tell me that you think you know what he's thinking (that he wants to fight so he can leave, that he thinks he's perfect). It's always tricky when we assume what someone's thinking, and in an argument or dialogue, these kinds of statements tend to lead to defensiveness and an escalated argument. I'd encourage you to focus on his actual behaviours and how they affect you, rather than the motives or beliefs you think are behind the behaviours (because you really can't know what he's thinking unless he tells you). As a general rule, the "When you do X, I feel Y" sentence goes far in helping others understand what we feel.So, it's fair to say "when you lie to me, I can't trust you", or "when you end our date early to hang with your friends I feel like I'm not important to you", or "your mood swings are difficult for me", or "I don't seem to get apologies from you". Try to focus on his actual behaviour when you talk to him about this stuff. A relationship counsellor can help you each understand the other better beyond the surface behaviours if you want to improve the relationship.That said, I have to ask...if you haven't been with Mr. Not So Great for very long, is it maybe time to rethink the relationship? Unless there is a balance of really loving and positive behaviours that you're leaving out, you don't seem happy. A good therapist can help you understand why you are stuck in an unhappy relationship, if that is what's happening. There's a lot to sort out here...how to communicate about your needs, how to know when to call it quits if something doesn't feel good... I wish you the best as you continue to examine these questions with assistance from friends or professionals.
Topic: depression

Question: My family says I have depression
I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks.    Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right.
   Are they right, am I depressed?

Answer:
Hi, Depression can look different for everybody. It sounds to me like what your family is trying to tell you that they are worried about you, and think this behavior might be a result of depression. If what you are experiencing seems fine and normal to you, it may be nothing to worry about. It is very common to have thoughts of doubt about yourself and your abilities, and it may help to open up about those thoughts to people you trust. Developing relationships with friends and families can be a very rewarding experience, but it can take a brave person to reach out!
Topic: parenting

Question: How can I help my kids get along?
For the last year, my adolescent son and daughter have been driving me nuts with fighting. I'm at my wits end. How can I get them to stop and get along?

Answer:
That is a good question. Unfortunately there is no generic answer with this one. Kids fight for different reasons - wanting attention, wanting respect, feeling jealous, wanting space and to be left alone, or a whole bunch of other reasons. Regardless of the underlying motivations for fighting, most conflicts result from misunderstandings and assumptions about the motivations of others and one of the best ways to start figuring out what is going on is to sit them down and have some conversations with them. These conversations should be centred on getting a better understanding of why they are angry with each other and really understanding them. It is important that they each know that you are committed to understanding their experience rather than simply sitting them down and lecturing them about what they are doing wrong. The more they are able to understand each other and feel understood the more likely they will be cooperative and considerate of each other. One exercise for doing this that can be very helpful is "active listening" where one person speaks and the other person reflects back what they heard the other person say and then checks for understanding. This is hard to do but it often illuminates where the misunderstandings and assumptions are. If this doesn't work it may be time to get a family therapist or counsellor involved who can help facilitate dialogue and resolve conflict.
Topic: depression

Question: My family says I have depression
I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks.    Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right.
   Are they right, am I depressed?

Answer:
Characterized by persistent sadness and a lack of interest or pleasure in previously rewarding or enjoyable activitiesYou're not alone. Globally, more than 264 million people of all ages suffer from depression - WHOFollowing could be potential causes of depression1. Family history. You’re at a higher risk for developing depression if you have a family history of depression.2. Early childhood trauma.3. Some events affect the way your body reacts to fear and stressful situations.4. Brain structure.5. Medical conditions.6. Drug use.Like I always state seeking to get physical and mental tests done then start a path in talk therapy
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer:
Change your total daily routine, different route, different lunch, different afternoon.  Sit outside for 10 minutes three times every day, use a therapy light during the day, aroma-therapy oils for stimulation, but....keep your routine bedtimes and wake up times......and exercise at least 3 times per week,  if after several weeks you are not feeling better....talk with your doctor.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer:
When you feel the frustration and anger building inside you have that be a trigger for you to remember a feeling that you want to experience instead of anger, frustration and guilt, for example understanding. Then say that word to yourself as you take deep breaths. But know that this is normal for caregivers/family members to have these reactions because it is also an emotional roller coaster for you. Even though it is normal it is still good to try to respond differentyl and I commend you for doing that. You also may want to look for a Caregiver Support group which will help you hear from others who also respond this way.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?
When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

Answer:
You are in an abusive relationship-not because of your boyfriend's silences but because he is comfortable being sarcastic and hurtful, never admits he is wrong and never apologizes. It is your choice to participate in an abusive relationship. You can not stop an abusive partner from being abusive no matter how wonderfully you treat your partner. You can either accept the terrible relationship as it is or reach out for the support that you need to leave the abusive relationship. I wish you well, always.
Topic: depression

Question: What can I do about my depression and anxiety after trying so many things?
I have terrible anxiety and depression. I've tried various therapists and pills, but nothing's helped.

Answer:
Is it possible you simply didn't mix well with the particular therapists with whom you've worked?   If this is possible, interview a therapist before  starting therapy.   Then you will be choosing a therapist who feels compatible with your way of seeing yourself and your life.Also, therapy isn't for everyone.Read about the different healing modalities and see if one of these speaks to your interest in feeling better.What matters most is finding among all the legitimate healing methods, what you believe will be effective.
Topic: relationships

Question: I'm having a lot of conflict in my relationship
We do communicate but one of us has trouble accepting what the other person says. How can I fix things?

Answer:
Being able to accept your partner's influence is a key relationship skill. And it's very two sided.  Chances are if you don't feel your partner is being influenced by you, they likely don't feel you are being influenced by them either. The best fix you can practice is to soften yourself into your partner and see how much more open you can be to their influence.  Play with it.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: I lie to my mom about my relationship
I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We’re both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.

Answer:
I understand that this can be difficult when you care about someone. Have you had a discussion with your mom as to why she does not want you and this boy to see each other, and what her concerns are? It sounds as though you and your mom may be able to use some help with communicating, and compromising. It is understandable that you do not to feel comfortable having  to lie to your mom. It  would be helpful if she could understand that you having to lie to he is getting in the way of you being able to go to her with any issue and  feel she will hopefully understand or try to understand where you are coming from.  Have either one of you been in family therapy? This may be something you may want to suggest to your mom to help you both understand where each one is coming from. If your mood is sad, and your feeling worse, it is important that you reach out to an adult, parent, person at school whom you trust to share your feelings and help you feel understood and work through your problems.
Topic: depression

Question: How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?
I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?

Answer:
It's fun to ride the roller coaster from time to time, isn't it? :)But, it's also weary-making, and leads to drainage that no man or woman can hardly anticipate!Balance comes with proper understanding of the different bodies you possess and how they function.And, to begin, we focus upon your physical, and move right up the latter to the spiritual, and begin cleaning you out.Unbalance is an experience of blocked energies that should be naturally flowing (call them what thou mayest); when blockages are removed, what is naturally there flows, and flows beautifully...
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
Hi, A good fit should have expertise in your issues. Generally, if you read their profile it should resonate with you...like they are talking directly to you. When you get into the therapy sessions, a good therapist will adapt their style to match your needs, they have done years of training to make sure they can help, so you should not have to "train your therapist" :) If you do, they are NOT a good fit. The idea of coming to therapy, is that you are there to get a different perspective and change what is not working for you, by that definition, you may not know what you need from therapy and that is where your therapist should be guiding you. That being said, in order for your therapist to give you the best service possible, they do need for you to be honest and let them know if you are willing or unwilling to incorporate the strategies they are offering. They need you to be willing to try things that are uncomfortable. A good therapist will also challenge your beliefs, make you question what you have done before...occasionally you should leave lighter, sometimes heavier, sometimes happy, sometimes lost in thought. If they are a good fit, you should feel like you can be your authentic self and feel safe, even if it is not easy. If you leave their office feeling like they are just a friend and you are not growing, they probably are not a right fit. If you leave their office feeling constantly frustrated, they are probably not a good fit. If they are not, let them know. A lot of times they can change their style or refer you to someone who is a better fit. It is okay to let your therapist know it does not seem to be working for you.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I be less anxious around new people?
I have developed bad social anxiety within the last year, and I just can't stand to be around people. I recently got a new girlfriend, and she is extremely close to her large family and wants me to be around them all of the time. My last visit with them, I was quiet and uncomfortable, and she got mad.

Answer:
I think what you are describing is pretty common.  Even people without social anxiety have a hard time talking to their partner's family--it can feel overwhelming.One thing about social anxiety is that it creates avoidance behavior.  You may be avoiding conversation so you don't embarrass yourself or say something wrong, or maybe even feel like people don't like you.  The truth is that those are just simply fears.  You may overanalyze how people react when you put yourself out there, but we aren't that great at reading what people are actually thinking based on body language (unless we really know the person).  The challenge here is to avoid that avoidant behavior--talk to people.  You don't have to talk to everybody all at once.  Just find a person you feel safe(ish) with, someone that seems pretty nice and open.  It's ok to have anxiety about talking to people, and it's even ok if they know you are anxious.  Social anxiety can cause us to think too much about how we respond, which can make conversations seem choppy and unnatural.  Pay attention to the way you respond to people you have less or no anxiety talking with--what does this look like for you?  You can try to bring some of that to your conversations with her family.  Or with anyone, really.Another thing to know is that it's normal to change our conversational style to fit who we are talking with.  What that doesn't mean is being a completely different person--it's still totally OK to be you.  It's just like applying a different filter based on the situation.  Some of that will work itself out the more you practice and the more you put yourself out there.  It's tough to know what the boundaries are of expression sometimes, so be patient with yourself.  We all make many "mistakes" socially, but that's necessary to learn about ourselves.  Give yourself that chance!
Topic: children-adolescents

Question: How do I deal with bullying at school?
I've been bullied for years and the teachers have done nothing about it. I haven't been diagnosed with depression, but i have been extremely sad for years.
   How can I deal with being bullied at school when the teachers won't help?

Answer:
To be bullied is very painful.I'm glad you know the bullies are doing the wrong thing and whatever they are telling you is pure meanness.Depending on how independent you feel, why not tell either your classroom teacher or schedule an appointment with the vice principal?Bullying other students is taken very seriously in some states and schools are expected to address the bullying until the victimized student feels safe.If you hesitate to do this on your own, then would you ask either of your parents or even a friend of yours who is also in the school, to report the problem?In case you are afraid the bullies will retaliate for reporting them, then tell this to whatever school authority you decide to ask for help.You're entitled to be protected by your school.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Answer:
First off, I would like to congratulate you on making the decision to stop smoking.  The next thing I want to share is that there are so many different ways to kick the habit. Some people find solace in groups, while others prefer to see a counselor about this individually. Remember, that the crux of addiction is feeling one way and using a substance or thing to feel a different way.  My suggestion is to find an addiction counselor and create an individualized plan together to help you stop smoking . Your chances of stopping smoking are much higher when you have professional support and a plan to work on outside of your sessions.