thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: Why won’t my boyfriend for almost two years talk about our future together when he says he’s in love with me?

Answer:
There are a few possibilities that might be keeping your boyfriend from talking about the future, but the best way to find out for certain is to ask him.  If your desire is to have a permanent relationship with your boyfriend, two years should be plenty of time for him to determine whether or not he also wants this and if not yet, he should be able to give you a reason why. People who drag their feet in the area of commitment sometimes do so because they fear commitment itself and the thought of permanency is terrifying to them.  Such fears might be grounded in past failed relationships, past history of abuse or neglect,  or just pure selfishness and a related fear of what they might have to give up in a relationship. Another common reason for people to avoid talking about permanency is because there are things in the relationship that they feel may need to change before the relationship becomes more committed.  Financial and career issues are common reasons for postponing commitment.  Other issues may have to do with taking care of other family responsibilities such as raising children from previous relationships. The most important thing to remember I think in managing your own feelings in this relationship is that you have the right to ask questions and to have a conversation about your future.  You are part of this relationship and you deserve to know what types of barriers are there that prevent this relationship from becoming permanent.  True love needs to be grounded in truth. Good luck to you!
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer:
Hello, I'm sorry that you experiencing a very low moment in life. Sometimes we all go through life circumstances that can be challenging, traumatizing and overwhelming. On reading this question, it sounds as though you have gone through some hardships that have  made you question what your sense of self in what  belief, value especially about yourself. It sounds as though you are emotionally overwhelmed and stuck and now you are overthinking. You may be depressed and you may need to talk to someone professional about your condition. Processing past hurts maybe somewhere to start especially identifying the pain, hurt, anger, loss among the other emotions you may be feeling. Again you may need to talk with someone so you do not feel defeated in your efforts.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer:
It sounds like you are experiencing burnout and have very little, if no job satisfaction.  There are some aspects of this that are in your control and others that are not.  What type of work do you typically enjoy?  Do you enjoy high stress work? What keeps you in this job? Is there a reason you have stayed?  Is your boss reasonable to have a conversation with?  I recommend a few things.  For one, you may want to have a discussion with your boss about your job duties and see if there is a way to either eliminate some responsibilities or get higher pay.  Another option, if you are unable to have an open conversation, you can start to look at an ideal work situation, what would you like/ be OK with/ absolutely hate about a job. Then possibly try to look for a new job that fits these qualifications. If you are unable to leave your job, you may want to attempt to balance your work life with more activities that create joy outside of work.  Sometimes that balance can help you tolerate work more.  I recommend that you find a supportive person to talk with and process these frustrations as burnout can lead us to do things we may regret.
Topic: legal-regulatory

Question: Can a past therapist disclose information to a current therapist that you are seeing?

Answer:
Generally, the laws regarding confidentiality would require a past therapist to obtain your permission before disclosing any information about you to your current therapist.Depending on state law, there could be some exceptions to this general rule. For example, most states would allow your former therapist to provide information about you to your current therapist if he/she reasonably believed it would protect you or someone else from an imminent harm.
Topic: anger-management

Question: Why am I constantly angry?
I don't know what's with me. I'm almost constantly angry. Even when I'm happy, I still feel anger inside me. When I acknowledge it, it ruins my mood and takes over. I get angry at the littlest things. Even if I think someone said something they didn't, it infuriates me. Something perfectly normal can make me go off. When my anger flares up, I get a terrible pain in my chest that lasts for a while. It's like there is a fire constantly burning in my body, and anger is gasoline.

Answer:
Hi Nashville, I'm glad you want this to be different. It doesn't feel good to be angry all the time, and it's stealing your energy as well as affecting relationships, I'm sure.Working with a therapist, you can learn to recognise the deep emotions that lie underneath the anger. It's likely to be either powerlessness or worthlessness, and what happens is this... a small moment in the present touches on an old, tender, bruised emotion that we've simply felt too much of or too strongly in the past. We develop ways of avoiding these vulnerable emotions, and anger is one way of doing that. So, when someone looks at you in a certain way, or says something, you'd rather be angry than feel powerless, or unimportant (or whatever your kryptonite feeling is). In that moment, your instinct is to blame whatever happened, no matter how small, because that's the thing that happened just before you got mad. You fail to recognise that the problem is not the look on that person's face, or the shoe that someone left in front of the door...it's that you can't stand feeling something and you want to avoid it like you want to stamp your foot out if it's on fire.I suggest finding a therapist to work with. You can learn to take responsibility for your old emotions and find new ways to manage them. :)
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Is my husband having a midlife crisis?
My husband told me last year he never loved me and should have never married me. He's been talking about divorce, but he hasn't filed. Now he has a girlfriend and he abandoned me and his kids. He has no financial help, and he has been out of the home for four months. He became very angry and mean. He says it's all my fault, and that we're not compatible.

Answer:
It's hard to say that it is a midlife crisis stage..  could be... but so much more seems to be going on or have been going on to say with confidence that it is not much more.
Topic: depression

Question: My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression
He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Answer:
Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to "respect his decision" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: My sister and my husband had an affair
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

Answer:
Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult. It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor.
Topic: trauma

Question: How do I let go of the abuse my dad showed me?
My dad beat and mentally abused me so badly that I can't function properly. Letting go of the past is important to moving on and getting better, but I’m terrified to get better because I don't even know who I am without the trauma. I've never gotten to be myself. I don't even know who I am.

Answer:
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling.  Getting to know yourself after a trauma (especially at the hands of a caregiver) and learning to trust yourself can feel terrifying.  I would encourage you to seek out a trauma therapist who can work with you slowly and at your pace.  You are not your trauma.  You are good and you are whole.  Please seek out the support of a therapist who sees that in you.
Topic: relationships

Question: I just feel so alone
I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?

Answer:
Hello there.  Thank you for sharing your heart here.  I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.  Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.  THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.  In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.  Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people "listen" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that you  may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do. And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.  Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.  Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too. Or in other words, not bein 'ok' with myself makes it difficult being with others.  Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?   These are just some thoughts to consider.  Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...  we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A.  keithcounseling.com
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer:
Often people feel like they are beyond saving, this is often not true. Finding the right therapist to work on these issues with and having them help. You may benefit from seeing a trauma specialist. If you located in Florida we offer EMDR therapy in-person or online.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex?
My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.

Answer:
I work with many couples that experience a wide range of sexual and relationship challenges. The one aspect I tell many folks that I work with, is this: Every person and relationship is different. There really isn't a "normal" amount of sex a person should have or want to have. If having sex 4 to 5 times in the course of your relationship is satisfying to you and your husband, there is nothing wrong with it. If you or your husband would like to have sex more often, I suggest talking with a counselor about this to find ways to engage in a sexual life in which you are both satisfied. The aspect of connectedness is an important one. While sex can be very connecting for many couples, it isn't the only way to connect. I find that communication about the matter of frequency of sex, checking in to see how you and your husband feel, as well as communicant about your needs for connection are an important start to fulfilling this need.
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting?
We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.

Answer:
I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca
Topic: depression

Question: How can I manage my anxiety?
I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. I’m always alone with no friends.

Answer:
Seems like you've really been through the ringer without much of a break.  Just reading through the details you put in the question, I hear a couple things.  One is that you seem like a helper.  That's not bad at all, though other people taking advantage of your nurturing qualities and not giving that back to yourself can really zap your energy.  Seems like you were the one that had to take care of your ex for a very long time.  Think about what that takes--a lot of patience, great emotional awareness, flexibility to adjust to needs and change plans, etc.  What that also means is that you probably had to focus so heavily on him that you weren't able to give any of that attention to yourself.  The great part is that it doesn't look a whole lot different when you give that to you vs someone else.  Self-love and self-care is a really important piece of managing anxiety (and depression), as you learned with your ex.The other thing I noticed is that it sounds like you maybe tend to people-please.  This is common with people that are helpers--they are almost a package deal. People-pleasing is really about abandonment.  It's derived from a fear that if you aren't exactly what people need, they may have negative feelings toward you and ultimately abandon or reject you.  May also stem from a need for peace if you grew up in a chaotic home (common with kiddos from domestic violence backgrounds), though that usually has some type of connection to abandonment as well.As far as anxiety management goes, there's so much you can do.  It's hard to say what will work specifically for you, but first thing that might help is to understand your triggers.  What gives you anxiety?  Is it general and seems to come out of nowhere?  Or does it buildup and get worse at a certain time of day?  I find that many people who have unresolved grief and depression tend to cycle through those symptoms and anxiety because there's so much stress and pressure involved in the cluster of issues that those circumstances tend to bring.  Sorting those things out can be tough---if you need help from a friend or counselor, it's never too late to reach out.  It doesn't matter if it happened last week or 10 years ago.  If it matters to you, it's relevant.I hope some of this helps and you are able to find someone in your life to lean on.  You aren't meant to be alone!
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day
I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Answer:
I offer that getting a professional assessment is in order to look at your relationship with alcohol.
Topic: spirituality

Question: How do I cope with losing my mom

Answer:
I'm so sorry you lost your mom.  Grief is a tough process.  Usually the pain from loss doesn't go away, but changes in ways that are manageable for your life.  When most people lose someone, others offer a lot of support.  After a while that support tapers off even though your need for support doesn't.  It's important to identify people or resources that can be there for you when you are still hurting.  Do you have anyone in your life that is pretty constant?  There are also many grief support groups online (e.g., https://www.griefshare.org/), and are usually some in person depending on your area.  These may be temporarily discontinued due to the COVID-19 situation, though they may be doing these groups online as a way to offset the social distancing requirements.I know nothing about what your relationship with your mom was, the manner in which she passed, or how old you are, but many times that can come with some pretty complicated emotions.  I also don't know if you lost your mom through death--some people lose a parent via abandonment or a disease, such as dementia.  No matter what the situation is, whatever pain shows up for you is completely OK.  Many people feel much more than sadness, especially if the relationship with their loved one was problematic or if the loss was unexpected or traumatic.  It's normal to feel intense anger, guilt, feelings of disbelief, even happiness or relief.  Grief does not have the same path for everyone and whatever path you are on is not wrong.When I work with a client that has had a significant loss, there are a number of things I may work on with them.  One is letter writing.  This isn't for everybody and some people need support and guidance with this.  Sometimes there are things we feel have been unsaid and it can provide a sense of closure.  For some people it helps feel connected to that person again.  Closure is not necessary to be able to move through grief, but it can be helpful.  If the client feels it would be useful, we also try to find a way to honor that person.  That may be through talking about them, having a monthly or yearly ritual, or carrying on a tradition they enjoyed.  It also depends on the culture you come from as well.  Many different cultures have different beliefs about death and loss and the ways they think of or honor their loved one.  Stick with what you feel speaks to your heart.Of course, a counselor who specializes in grief may be a great option.  You can find someone in your area or online in your specific state that has the training for that.  Counselors without that specialization may also be able to provide you some help--I don't know any counselors who haven't had training in this area.  Counselors are usually happy to answer your questions about their qualifications.I hope this helps you find some support!
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do couples keep from being at risk for divorce?

Answer:
The Gottmans have been studying relationships in their "love lab" for over 4 decades and what they've found is pretty awesome. There are 4 things that, when added together and built up over time, predict divorce: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. These behaviors lead towards emotional disengagement over time and will eat away at your positive feelings towards one another. The awesome news is that they've also identified antidotes; gentle start ups, taking responsibility, discussing your feelings and needs (not to be confused with what you need from your partner) and self soothing. No couple can ever truly eliminate saying/doing the wrong thing, that's ok though because sustaining your marriage isn't about always getting it right, it's about knowing/learning how to repair when your get it wrong. To learn more, pick up a copy of Gottman's "The 7 Principals For Making Marriage Work" or seek out a Gottman trained couples therapist.