thejana/Elective_modified_2 huggingface dataset:
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
Unfortunately, finding "the right" therapist isn't as easy as picking a name from a list provided by your insurance company or based on Google search results. The process begins with doing some research. Online directories such as Psychology Today and CounselChat are a good jumping-off point. Start by selecting search parameters that are important to you such as the gender of the therapist, issues you want to address in therapy, the therapist's therapeutic orientation (i.e., cognitive-behavioral therapy, EMDR, dialectical behavioral therapy), online versus in-person appointment availability, and the distance you are willing to travel. Once you have the results of your search, take time to read each therapist's profile and visit their websites. When you begin to contact the therapists, ask if they will offer a free telephone or Zoom consultation. This gives you the opportunity to ask specific questions of the therapist, to share details about your reasons for seeking therapy, and clearly express your goals. Spend some time preparing for the call. Because the calls are usually time-limited (mine are 15-minutes in length), it can be helpful to make some brief notes about the issues you wish to discuss and the questions you would like to ask the therapist. Approach your first session with an open mind. Therapy can be uncomfortable, intimidating, and even scary at first. It's not easy to be vulnerable, especially with a stranger. A good therapist will take their cues from you. If a client isn't ready to discuss trauma or a particular subject just yet, that's okay! Therapy is a process and a collaborative one at that. The best way to "train" your therapist is to openly communicate your needs with them. If, at any time, you don't feel as though your needs are being met or you are progressing towards your goals, let your therapist know how you are feeling. A competent therapist will appreciate this feedback and work with you to change course.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?
After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Answer:
Sexuality is fluid. It is possible to find yourself attracted sexually or affectionally to different types of people at different times in your life.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer:
This is a really important question, because you don't want to waste your time and money with a therapist who is not a good fit for you.  I think the most important factor that makes a good therapist match is trust-- do you trust this person to be able to help you meet your therapy goals?  There are few things you can do upfront to test this out, without spending a dime.  First, ask for personal recommendations from friends or others.  If you know someone who had a great experience with a certain therapist, you'll feel more confident in that person right off the bat.  Second, do your online research.  Google the person's name and read everything you can find.  Many therapists are starting to develop more of an online presence because they know that's a way future clients can develop trust without even stepping in their door.  See if they have a blog, social media posts, or even just read the tone of the content on their website.  This might give you a glimpse of their therapy style.  Finally, you can call or email potential therapists and provide a brief overview of your presenting problem and describe what you're looking for in your ideal therapist.  It sounds like you have a specific idea of what you're looking for... most therapists will be honest if they don't feel they're going to meet your expectations.  Some therapists offer free short phone consultations which can help you both decide if you would work well together.  Do your homework upfront, and you'll be well on your way to finding a great therapist for you!
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: What's going on with these mood swings?
I'm a teenager and I get these really intense mood swings.    My mood will be really high and I'll think of something that I want to do. When I start to make it happen I get irritated by other people if they intervene. Then if the thing I wanted to do doesn't work out, I have these tendencies to blame other people for it not working out.    Can you explain what's going on?

Answer:
Mood swings and getting frustrated when things don't work out is totally normal. Sometimes, we get tied to one thing we really want to do and it can feel pretty intense when that gets interrupted or doesn't work out. This said, you're coming to CounselChat and so I'm guessing this is something that is pretty intense for you and something that you are concerned about. If this is getting in the way of your life, it may be worthwhile to reach out to a therapist or doctor to get some help with this and see if there might be something more going on. While for most people frustration/mood swings is related to typical life and stress, if very intense it can be a sign of a number of challenges ranging from anxiety to a traumatic experience to something like Bipolar Disorder where a person's mood and energy might fly so high (mania) that one feels like they can do anything but often become frustrated when interrupted (note: there is a lot more to Bipolar Disorder than this and this is certainly not a diagnosis). Wish you well!
Topic: parenting

Question: I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter
There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat.    She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
   I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

Answer:
1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I feel burned out
I haven't been feeling like myself lately. I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious. I'm feeling burnt out. What can help me feel better?

Answer:
Does it help to put a name to the experience you are having? Where you first said, "I've been upset for no reason and feeling anxious," you then say that you are "feeling burnt out," which gives a little more context to what may have once felt like "no reason." Perhaps you are feeling burnt out! That is a big deal, and please try not to take it lightly! When we get burnt out, I have found that it's from one of two things: either we are not doing what we want, or we are doing too much (either of something we want or something we don't, doesn't really matter once we get into doing too much.)If either of those rings true for your experience, try as much as possible to sit with the experience and get a better sense of where the burn out is coming from. I wrote about burnout for a newsletter and it is on my website. I don't want to do shameless promotion, but I thought it could also add to helping you: https://davidkleintherapy.com/my-experiences-with-burnout/I hope that you can also see that it's not an abnormal experience.
Topic: parenting

Question: My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do
I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
   My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?

Answer:
Unfortunately you seem to have yourself in a double bind. By living with your mom she is not going to stop her attempts at what you perceive as "controlling". There is no use in trying to debate or get her to "see your point". As long as your there and you personalize her attempts at control, then you will find yourself frustrated and resentful. Try to find an extra job or a roommate so that you can do the natural process of moving on out.www.lifecounselingorlando.com
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I deal with my best friend, whom I have a crush on, having a crush on someone else?
I've known my best friend for eight years, and I've slowly begun to form a crush on him. I sort of thought he liked me back until he told me about his actual crush. I have really bad anxiety over this.

Answer:
That must feel heartbreaking to you.  Where do you think that anxiety comes from?  I would try some self-reflecting to see what comes up there.  Maybe you are worried about losing your best friend, or something completely different.  It's understandable that you would have a lot of feelings in this situation, especially since this person is very close to you.  The dealing with it part is probably going to be pretty tough.   You are processing through circumstances that you probably can't talk to him, your best friend, about.  Do you have anyone else you can talk through it with?  Maybe another good friend or someone that knows the situation?  When we're most in need sometimes we become more aware of who around us can be of help.  A counselor can help here, too if that's an option you are considering or have access to.If he does start leaning on you to talk about his crush, there may be some boundaries that you could consider putting up.  That may mean distancing from him a bit, or telling him how you feel.  That part is all up to what you feel most right doing and what works best for your friendship.  Try to remember that you are not less than just because he may not reciprocate the same romantic feelings you do.  We are all worthy of that kind of love.
Topic: depression

Question: Why have I been feeling empty lately?
I have a lot on my mind, but all I want to do is stay locked in my room and not socialize with anyone. Why do I feel so alone?

Answer:
There is a difference in someone agreeing to try something and agreeing to continue to do it. Have you ever been willing to try something and then decided you did not like it? A type of food? A sport? A new restaurant? A type of dance? So this does not mean that things have changed between you. It does mean that the two of you may need to spend some time to find out what you both like. Instead of looking at it as a rejection, look at it as a challenge, an adventure that the two of you can go on as explorers together. Some couples have even found it helpful to each write down ten things they would like the other person to try and then each person can pick three things from the other person's list to add into their life together when they chose to over the next few weeks.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I tell my spouse to stop getting angry when I am just being myself?
My spouse seems to get very bothered by me speaking, asking questions, or getting excited in a way that he thinks is "too much." He comes across as acting like whatever it is I'm talking about is nowhere near as important as whatever he's thinking about, which he believes will go over my head.

Answer:
Good for you to realize you have just as much right to talk and be heard as he does.And, that your words deserve as much respect as his do.At a time which is relatively calm, introduce the topic of your hurt feelings from his difficulty listening to you speak.If it is so, tell him you value his opinion and that when you talk, there is no bad intention toward him.Ask him to explain what bothers him so much about your manner of expression.Then as a mutual project, both of you could develop a new system of talking with one another which avoids hurting your feelings and the distress he feels when he hears you talk.The above assumes good will by each of you.It is also possible he simply has no interest in listening to you, or to develop new understanding which makes doing so more likely.This possibility introduces an entirely new subject of how to live with someone who has no interest in you.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: I just lost my grandpa
I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Answer:
I'm sorry you lost your grandpa.  Some things that may help you through this tough time are to journal or write about special memories you have of your grandpa.  You could also journal about your feelings of loss and how you miss him.  Another thing that might help is to talk with a friend or family member.  Sharing special memories of the person you lost can help you to grieve.If you would like to pursue counseling I would suggest doing an internet search for grief groups in your area.  Sometimes hospitals or hospice centers will offer them for free or low cost.  You can also do an internet search for non-profit counseling clinics in your area.  Many cities and towns will have a non-profit clinic that can provide low cost counseling, it might be worth checking into.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Answer:
Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer:
From your initial description, I would say that your mother is "Maloriented". In this stage of Alzheimer's individuals tend to be blaming and difficult to deal with. They may often hide or throw things away and then blame family members for this. In addition, if they are incontinent, they may blame a leaky roof or something else when they are wet. You are correct that this is not her fault, but often for family members this does not make it any easier for you to cope. I strongly suggest that you learn communication strategies that will help you to communicate with your mother in a way that lets her work through the difficulties associated with the disease. I always suggest Validation techniques to family members.In addition, you need to give yourself some kind attention and take time out from your circumstances as needed. You need to be able to center yourself and come to acceptance that this is your mother's illness that is the problem, not her and certainly not you.
Topic: depression

Question: How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?
I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?

Answer:
That's some tough stuff to be dealing with.  Have you ever tracked those highs and lows?  I often have clients graph out those changes to see what kind of patterns show up.  You obviously are very insightful already and maybe having a visual of what you know can help you prepare for some of those lows.  Another curiosity I have is if you have seen your primary provider about what your body is going through.  It's hard to give individualized recommendations without knowing more about your symptoms, but reaching out to your doctor could be a way to advocate for yourself.  Do you ever feel manic when you have a lot of energy?  How long do the "highs" last?  Do your highs interfere with sleep?  And what impact do your lows have on your functioning?  Sometimes I have clients get checked out by a doctor to rule out physical issues that could be underlying the intensity of their symptoms.  PMS definitely fits in this category, but it's always possible there's some other imbalance (e.g., lack of certain vitamins, thyroid dysfunction, etc.).  Your doctor could even help collaborate with you to find some methods to deal with the depression/PMS.With the research we have on hormones and their impact on the body, it's pretty crystal clear that exercise has a huge benefit across all levels of emotional dysregulation.  It has immediate positive impacts in the brain and body, and keeps the body running efficiently.  Same with sleep--it's one of our most underrated functions.  If you think of it like a house, your foundation represents those basic functions.  If your foundation is shaky, it's going to be tough to support the rest of the house.  Exercise is hard to push through, but it's really just those first 10-15 minutes that feel the worst.  And you don't have to start somewhere super intense--even walking is wonderful for the body.Hope this helps a bit!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?
After I told them, they yelled at me.

Answer:
I'm sorry your family had such an upsetting response to your news.Maybe eventually they will come around to greater acceptance of you.   If this was the first time they heard this fact about your sexuality, the information may have overwhelmed them.It is up to the family members now to realize they handled their reaction in a way which may have upset you.Whether or not they do this, you still can be sure you did what was necessary and in your hands to tell them such key information about you.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I get over my fear of public embarrassment?
A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.

Answer:
When I talk with clients about social anxiety sometimes I'll ask them what they would do if their anxiety was manageable.  Would you want to be more social?  Would that improve you quality of relationships in your life?  These answers can clarify what you want your life to look like and how much socialization you are truly interested in.It's normal to have thoughts and fears about what others are thinking of us, otherwise we'd be pretty shameless in our behavior!  Even though we feel as though we are in the spotlight, the truth is that most people are not focused on us.  There's hundreds of thousands of stimuli the brain processes (especially at a party!) and you are a very small percentage of that.  Think about it this way--if you are at a party with a bunch of other people, why would you be in "center stage" vs anyone else at that party?  When people are worried about embarrassment or judgment, they typically act in ways to be less visible in public.  Chances are, people notice you less than they notice others simply because of avoidance behaviors.I don't think it's needed to attend every social event because who has the energy for that?!  But pushing yourself to engage can teach your brain that you can push yourself through these events.  The more you avoid, the more your brain will because the situation is something to fear.  If you can, stick with someone you trust or connect to.  That could help you to enjoy the experience more and frame it somewhat positively.If you really struggle on your own, you could visit a counselor and work on some strategies that fit for you.