thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: depression

Question: How would I know if I was depressed?
I'm constantly in a bad mood and I have no energy. Is that depression?

Answer (from Amanda WallingsfordGenuine, caring, and experienced therapist looking forward to supporting you through your journey of growth):
Depression has many different signs and symptoms and looks different for every person.  Often times people think depression is more about feeling "sad," but depression can, in fact, express itself through irritability (or bad mood as you say) and lack of energy.  According to the DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), depression includes the following symptoms:-Depressed mood-Irritable mood-Decreased interest or pleasure in activities you usually participate in or enjoy-Significant weight change or change in appetite-Change in sleep (insomnia or hypersomnia)-Psychomotor aggitation or retardation-Fatigue or loss in energy -Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt-Diminished ability to concentrate or indecisiveness-Thoughts of suicide or plan The great news is that there are many ways to improve depressive symptoms.  If you are up for it, perhaps the best place to start is by seeing a physician or a therapist who can help determine how severe the depression is and can suggest methods of addressing the depression that fit your lifestyle, values, and capabilities.  Good luck!
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn?
I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer (from Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR):
It is so hard to feel undervalued on the job! To be given so much work and not to get paid for it is unfortunately a headache many experience. Make sure that you are surrounding yourself with loved ones and ways of relaxing when you are not on the job, and taking care of yourself (aka eating well, getting enough sleep, etc). When one ensures that their physical needs are met, they give themselves the best chance for also functioning best mentally and emotionally. Think to yourself how you best take care of yourself and make sure when you are off from work you do those things. For example, do you enjoy reading, exercising, or maybe having a milkshake? If you do, make sure you make time to do those things! Whatever it is you enjoy please utilize self-care and do them. As long as it is not an activity that will harm you or anyone else, make time for taking care of yourself when you are not on the job. There are also skills you can learn to manage any symptoms of anxiety, and that a competent therapist can go over with you, should you decide to try counseling. And while you are doing all of that, you could also search for other jobs. Best of luck !
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How can I avoid family members who stress me out?
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Then one day when life between you and mom feels calm, tell your mom that you aren't able to listen to her complaints about your sister.The truth exists whether or not it is acknowledged.   Bu acknowledging what feels real and necessary in your life, you are helping your mom see what she may not like to see and what nevertheless is right in front of her.There is no good reason or good to come of hiding your own truth about not wishing to continue listening to your mom complain.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Cristina TreadwayInsight Life Counseling):
Your comfort with a therapist is one of the most essential aspects of a quality therapeutic relationship.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions about the therapist’s approach and background.   Do you feel heard and understood?  Do you find the feedback helpful and directed toward achieving your goals.  Ensuring open communication with your therapist is primary to making sure you have the “right” therapist.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?
After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
That's a loaded question, but to answer with a short answer, I'd say, it's because you are. Get in with someone to explore more of that why and what you want to do with where you are now. Hope that helps!
Topic: anxiety

Question: Why do I feel like I’m watching my life from a window?
I never feel like myself. I can’t even think straight anymore. I start stuttering and I can’t remember anything. I always get nervous and usually talk myself down but recently end up fighting with, what feels like, someone else. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I hate it.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Houston, Okay, something's definitely going on, right? My gut is to start with your family physician, because you have some physical symptoms. While it seems anxiety is a likely problem here, your doctor will hopefully know your history and can help you decide if you need some medical tests or some therapy. Without knowing more, that's all I can say at this point. Best of luck.
Topic: parenting

Question: If parents are divorced, is it acceptable for a counselor to allow an ex-spouse to be present during a child’s session?
Can a counselor take sides with one parent and allow a parent to order the child to tell the counselor "every detail" about what happened during the other parent’s visitation in order to help build a case for child custody?

Answer (from Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor):
I see a few issues here:First, the age of the child is important.  If the child is considered an
"adult" by state law with regard to counseling (states differ on this
- the range is typically between age 13 and age 18), no one is allowed to
be in the session without the child's consent.Second, ethical and legal standards generally require that a
counselor be in the role of a therapist, or in the role of an evaluator, but
not both.  This means that a counselor
should not generally provide both counseling and offer an opinion regarding who should
have custody of a child.Third, knowing the details of any parenting plan or
separation agreement is important. 
Generally, either parent can consent to counseling for a minor child and
can be present during the child’s sessions. 
If a court order, parenting plan, or separation agreement specifies that
one of the parents has sole decision making authority, then only that parent can
consent to counseling for the minor child and only that parent can be present during the child’s
sessions.In a situation like this I would strongly recommend seeking
out legal advice specific to your state law.
Topic: marriage

Question: Why does my husband like dressing as a female in our bedroom?
He wants to wear makeup and heels. He even tucks his penis away to resemble a vagina. He wants me to wear a strap on and have anal sex with him. I have tried this for him, but I don’t like it and have told him so. He keeps making comments about it and says he can't live without it.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
It sounds like you may be asking two different questions.With regard to what you said about your husband dressing as a female in your bedroom, I wonder if you would consider asking him more about this. If you choose to do that, I would suggest that you ask him whether a certain time is a good time to have a conversation and asking questions for five minutes or more that are related to you learning more about his experience. This can be difficult to do at times, particularly when you may want to offer your own opinions or become very anxious or of type. Consider thinking of a phrase that may help you to stay calm during the discussion. It may be helpful to think of yourself as asking questions as if you were an investigative reporter and using questions that start with words like "what, how, who, where, when." Questions that start with "why," can be very difficult to answer for some people and can be overwhelming because it often links to answers involving emotions that may or may not be understood. Also try restating what your husband is saying to make sure that you are understanding correctly. If what he is telling you is different than what you have heard or thought of for many years, it may be challenging to follow his meaning initially. Remember that listening to your husband does not imply agreement with what he is saying, just that you are following and looking to understand what he is experiencing. I also recommend sticking to one topic for the conversation, but this could be done with many different topics over time.You could also see if he would be willing to have a discussion where he listens like an investigative reporter to learn more about the experience that you are having.As far as what you mentioned about the sexual experience, maybe if you can discuss what it is that you don't like and/or understand what it is that he does like, you could see if there is some middle ground here. It depends on what you both prefer.These types of conversations can be difficult to have for some couples, at least initially. Having structured conversations, such as the ones I've described briefly above, can feel awkward initially, but the reason it can be helpful is because it can lead to further understanding in a way that decreases the chances of having an argument.Also consider seeing a therapist in your area who specializes in couples to discuss some of these ideas.
Topic: spirituality

Question: How do I find myself?
I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
What exactly is it that you are looking for? Different people define themselves in different ways. For example, one person may define himself by his values and morals while another identifies herself by her personality and characteristics. Still, another person may define himself by his interests and hobbies. Learning who you are as a person can take time and life experience. At the same time, who you are may change according to what experiences you have had and how you have dealt with them or felt about them. Try viewing the journey of finding yourself as exciting and ongoing. Allow yourself to feel emotions and learn how they relate to the experiences you have. This may help you to know more about what you value, what you like and dislike, and what you want for yourself in life. Best of luck to you!
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: I want to stop physically abusing my girlfriend
I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Baton Rouge,I'm glad you're reaching out. The first step here is that you are taking some responsibility for your behaviours. I do hear you minimizing your actions (you say you don't "hit her enough to cause harm"?), but you're headed in the right direction. I hope that in your pursuit of treatment you learn that the harm you're causing isn't just superficial bruising. The effects of using aggression and anger to control a person are deep and lasting wounds. Please seek treatment for yourself immediately.You say you love your girlfriend? Do you love her enough to leave the relationship while you address your issues? Are you brave enough to not lean on this relationship while you learn how to create a safe place for a partner?You have dangerous habits because you don't know how to manage your own emotional pain. You can unlearn this; and it doesn't mean you're a bad person. Sometimes, however, the relationship in which you have done the hurting is best ended, for both of your sakes, because too much damage has been done.I know you don't want to lose her, but you don't own her, and you don't have the right to trap her in this because you're afraid of being alone. Right now, she needs some space to figure out what's best for her and the freedom to make whatever decision she wants. This is potentially the first step to learning real respect; honouring her need for safety above your need for comfort. I wish you well.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Jennifer MolinariHypnotherapist & Licensed Counselor):
Finding the right therapist for you is very important and can sometimes be tricky. It can sometimes take a number of sessions to get a good sense of whether you and your therapist are the "right fit."  The first couple of sessions are generally spent on gathering information, formulating a plan of treatment, and building the client/therapist relationship. The client/therapist relationship will be very different from other relationships you have experienced.  You will know you have found the right therapist when you notice there is a good rapport between the two of you.  You will get a sense that the therapist "gets you" and understands the issues being presented. If you feel that you can trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up and providing feedback during your sessions then you know it is a good fit. In terms of "how to train your therapist how to give you what you need from treatment" the therapeutic relationship is collaborative so the two of you will be working together as a team. During your sessions, the goal is for you to feel comfortable giving feedback about what is working and what is not working in your sessions. When you express your needs to your therapist then the two of you will discuss the best ways to get those needs met in order to maximize the effectiveness of your sessions.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Jason Lynch, MS, LMHC, LCAC, ADSIndividual & Couples Therapy):
The first step in beginning the counseling process is to do some homework. I recommend that clients make some quick notes about what they believe are the core issues negatively impacting their functioning, the qualities they are looking for in a therapist, and what are some goals that you have for therapy. Next, go to one of the many directory sites like CounselChat or PsychologyToday.com. These sites allow you to search for therapists in your area and to select a number of different criteria that can assist in narrowing your search. Once you have a list of therapists, start calling their offices and/or visiting their websites. Many of us offer brief consultation calls at no cost. This is a great way to share the issues you identified with the therapist and to ask them any questions you might have.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I have difficulty with communication
I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
I was the very same way when I was in graduate school.  It makes sense that speaking in front of others would be scary because all of the attention is on you and you probably have expectations to meet each time (including your own).Practice is the best way to build confidence before a speech.  Feeling prepared reduces anxiety for speaking just like it would for taking a test--you are solidifying the pathways in your brain that store and recall the information you need to know and speak about.Remember that it's pretty normal to feel increased anxiety before and during a speech.  It's something that matters to you, so your body is trying to prepare you to fight through it.  It can often feel like your body is working against you when it is actually doing quite the opposite!Also remember that people typically are not aware of how anxious you are.  They cannot hear your heart racing, they don't have access to your racing thoughts or insecurities, and they cannot feel the butterflies in your stomach.  When you practice your speech, practice appearing confident as well.  Identify a couple focal points where you practice and pretend those are people.  Confident posture and eye contact can help you feel more confident about what you are speaking about.  When you get to the actual speech, have a couple focal points that you switch your gaze to every few seconds.  People will perceive that as confidence, even if you aren't looking directly into everyone's eyes (which can be intimidating).Don't forget to breathe!  Taking a few deep breaths can send the message to your brain that what you are about to do is not dangerous--you are safe.  You'll still feel anxiety, but that's OK!  During your presentation, you can continue that in a sense by speaking slower.  It may seem like you are talking too slowly, but when you are anxious, it's actually a natural response to talk too fast.Try to visualize yourself doing well and remind yourself that you can make it through a presentation.  When it's over, give yourself that credit!
Topic: human-sexuality

Question: Is there a reason I have always been attracted to men much older then me?
I am a young adult, and I was sexually assaulted by an older man when I was a teenager (which has really intensified the guilt/shame). However, I've been attracted to much older men since I was even younger than that.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Sometimes the reason for being attracted to older men is because of growing up with a father who was distant.If you grew up having enough interaction with your dad to know you'd have liked more and didn't receive this, then maybe your longings of childhood are still active within you.It is ok to like older men.Just be sure you're not idealizing them, or anyone else.Because regardless of age, a relationship is based on who the two people really are, not how we'd like imagining them.
Topic: relationships

Question: What can I do about my boyfriend's verbal abuse?
I try to do everything right just so we won't argue, and it doesn't help the only time he is calm is when he is drinking alcohol. I get anxiety over having fights with him.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Because of the way that you say your boyfriend is only calm when he is drinking and you have concerns about flights, it would probably be most helpful for you to speak with a local therapist so you can have specific conversations about what happens during these fights.When you do "everything right," are you saying that you don't argue? It sounds a bit as though you are trying to read each other's mind without being able to communicate effectively. I recommend working on this with a therapist, though (even if you end up going without your boyfriend to sessions), so that you can talk about specific strategies and what you can do when he is not calm.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?
I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
It sounds like there are assumptions being made regarding how she feels about you and why she is with you. I would not suggest breaking up with her without first attempting to resolve your own issues. You may not only regret your decision, but might find that the exact same problem arises in future relationships. I would recommend seeing a therapist who can help you figure out what is at the root of all of this. By learning about your own insecurities and where they come from, you can expect to discover new ways of responding and relating to others, which will likely impact your relationship in a positive manner.