thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I deal with a “crush” in a relationship?
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it.    How should I deal with this?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a "crush." If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: I'm not sure if I want to trust my husband again
My husband used a lot of negative words to hurt me, and I moved out. He is seeing a counselor and wants another chance to make things right. I'm not sure if I trust that he will not go back to his old ways.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
I am glad he is seeing a counselor.  That is something that most men struggle with doing at times.  Time will tell if his actions are of good intentions.  However remember that a person can only do to you what you allow them to do in relationships.   What part did you play?  Did you down play his disrespect at one time?  Did you give up the power of your own voice?  Did you lose yourself in the relationship and it became just one sided?  Did you allow him to make you doubt yourself?   In others words, if you do decide to give him another chance, what would you do different?  Not saying that you are the blame or cause of the negative words AT ALL, but don't allow such disrespect from him or anyone else in the future.  If you do decide to give it another try, go in with a voice, with the demand of respect, with your needs and wants expressed and expected.  With an increase in your self worth and confidence, you will know what to do if his actions are true or if with dishonest intentions.   Seek counseling as well, if you need that additional support to find self.
Topic: sleep-improvement

Question: I’ve suffered from insomnia and nightmares for about 3 years
It takes me a long time to fall asleep; I’d estimate about two hours. I often have nightmares, starting with being eaten by a monster, and I often wake up frightened and unable to breathe. I believe I started losing sleep after breaking up with a girlfriend of 8 years. Also, my father’s business went bankrupt and my mother has a chronic condition. I was under a lot of stress, and life lost meaning. After improving my life and developing a habit of running and exercise to release stress, my symptoms improved. However in the past couple months, I started losing sleep again and having nightmares without warning. How can I solve this issue?

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
You’re noticing that as you lie down to go to sleep, there
is quite a bit going on, which may be anxiety related. It sounds like the
dreams and difficulty sleeping are reminiscent of previous experiences you had
around the time of your break up, the difficulty with your father’s business,
and your mother’s health issues. These connections to past events may be
important insights to continue exploring in addition to finding out more about
what your dreams may be trying to tell you. There is no exact science to
dreams, but many people find it fruitful to explore the content as it relates to
significant themes in their lives. I think that exploring these issues further with
a therapist could help you resolve whatever is causing you the stress, trouble sleeping, and frightening dreams.
Topic: stress

Question: How can I be less stressed?
I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
What are five ways to reduce stress?Here Are 5 Important And Effective Ways To Reduce Stress And Anxiety 1. Practice deep breathing exercises 2. Just lie down on the floor 3. Focus on an object to help calm your breathing 4. Take a break and listen to some music 5. Smile even when you don’t feel like smiling 😃
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: I’m having problems moving on
We're not together, but I’m still doing things for him and we are intimate. He’s not there for his son.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
You didn't ask a direct question because I feel from what you wrote you already know the answer.  I hate to sound harsh but I am a therapist that call it how I see it so brace yourself...You will always continue to have problems with letting your child's father go as long as you:Don't love or respect yourself first...Don't love and respect your son...Don't demand respect as a woman and mother...Give up the goods regardless of what he does for you or your son...Don't hold your son as a priority in your life....Have self worth of a $1, etc.I have a feeling you are saying...I do love my son and hold him as a priority even if you don't do it for yourself...I would ask...Are your actions of allowing such disrespect from his father proof of that?I know what I have said may have gotten under your skin...I want it to.... because I feel that you have a conscience, want to do better, know you and your son deserve better and you can do better.  Believe in yourself and that you and your son DO desire better and it starts with you setting boundaries with his father.  You can do  it!!!
Topic: anxiety

Question: What should I do about my stress before track meets?
I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry.

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
Seems like you have some confidence in your track abilities, but feel pressured by your dad to continue something you don't really enjoy.  Are you maybe worried about disappointing your dad, or is it something about track itself that upsets you or overwhelms your body?When we try to push through stuff that's too much for our bodies (whether that's physical or emotional), that stress will show up no matter how hard we try to bury it.   Sometimes that shows up as crying or irritation, other times that shows up as physical symptoms.   For you, it could be both.  Based on the symptoms showing up days before a meet, it could be more emotional since it comes so long beforehand.  I'm assuming you are very active already, so extra exercise probably isn't too helpful and may only put more stress on your body.  Do you feel like you ever get a chance to truly relax?  Always running on overdrive with little gas is exhausting.  Try giving yourself permission during the period before the track meets to just do something that slows you down.  Doesn't have to be super long--even 10-15 minutes a day could give your brain and body a very needed break from that go-go-go lifestyle.Pay attention to your sleep as well.  I don't know anything about your nightly routine, but if you are struggling to sleep that could enhance the symptoms of anxiety before your meets.  Some calm activities before bed could help here.Of course, you could try talking with your dad about whats happening if you think he'd be able to support your needs.  That's not always possible, and if not, no worries.  There's a lot you can do to get through what's happening.  If you have another caregiver in the picture that feels approachable, you could talk to him/her about how you are feeling.  Also, take a look at strategies for performance anxiety online.  Even if you don't have that particular type of anxiety, the strategies are really great and can at least help a little if you are still engaging in track.
Topic: spirituality

Question: How can I help my fiancé accept and let go of my past?
My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the "straight and narrow" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others.    His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?

Answer (from Allison VelezIs your relationship worth it?):
You are right that his insecurities are at the root of the issue.  You cannot change that for him.  He will have to do the work to handle those emotions on his own.  What you can do is reassure him in whatever ways possible, but always recognizing that you can't "fix" this for him.  When I work with people who struggle with their partner's past experiences, I always frame it like this:  Everything that you've experienced has resulted in you being the person you are today.  The person they claim to love.  If you had not gone through some of those experiences, you would not be in the position you're in now, ready to commit to him and know that you're satisfied with that.  Just as when bad things happen to us, we have to find a way to appreciate the lessons learned your fiance has to accept that you're the person you are today because of what you have gone through.  Celebrate that you have moved through that and have landed in this perfect position with him!Hope that helps, Allison
Topic: self-esteem

Question: I Sometimes I feel like I hate myself
I feel like I hate myself physically and emotionally sometimes. How can I start accepting myself and be more confident?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
This happens slowly and can be done.You already are at the first step of realizing that you hate yourself, not that the feelings of self-loathing are the best of what you're able to expect from life.A way to start building confidence is to pay close attention to the way you handle interactions and make decisions.If you start to notice what you'd like from an interaction, and afterwards, reflect on how well you handled yourself, especially with any unexpected circumstances, you'll build confidence in your ability to be good at something.Do you know why you hate yourself?This answer may help you address within yourself , a new type self talk which has more positives in it than what you've been accustomed to telling yourself.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: My traditional family is opposed to me moving in with my boyfriend who is 13 years older

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Has any of your family members told you their reasons for their opinion?Find this out first.If you have a somewhat reasonable relationship with family members, their views may give you insight on your relationship and on you.How much do you care about what your family is telling you?Maybe be honest with first yourself and then your family about appreciating their interest and concern, and that you've different ideas on ways to live, than they do.As long as you and your family are able to talk about the differences between your points of view, then everyone is supporting good will.This makes living with any disagreements, much easier.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Lisa Provorny):
First off, I want to tell you how proud I am of you for starting out in the process. It takes a lot of courage to seek out a therapist, and perseverance to wade through all the logistics of the process. Just like finding a good doctor or dentist, finding a therapist who is a good fit for you may take some time, the difference being that you are likely to visit your doctor or dentist only a couple of times a year or in an emergency. Your therapist is someone you will be spending time with on a weekly or bi-weekly basis who you are going to be sharing a lot of yourself with, so it is important to feel comfortable with that therapist, even if sharing and reflecting is uncomfortable. There are several places where a therapist may be searchable, such as insurance directories, websites, or just a search engine, so the first step is to see if they treat the kind of challenges you are dealing with or not. If they don't list it as one of their skillsets, they may not be able to support you, and it may be unethical for them to work with you. Fear not! that therapist may be able to provide you with the name(s) of other providers who do specialize in your needs. You can also try to filter through listings to see who focuses on your area of needs, and then see how they talk about their therapeutic process. Do they position themselves as an expert and you a problem to be fixed? Is that what you want? Do you they talk about collaborating with you to identify problems and come up with solutions? Does that sound appealing to you? There are a lot of different tools and techniques that therapists can rely upon, but therapy at its foundation is about the relationship, so if reading about them doesn't give you a good feeling, move on to the next profile.Once you have a few names that seem like a good fit, reach out and see if they will meet with you briefly for a consultation. These are usually free and give you an opportunity to see what it is like to interact with them, how they answer questions, and if their answers resonate with you. You may find that it is awkward and that you are not at ease in the brief exchange, but you may find that the rapport is already being established. If none of the therapists you meet with work out, or if you start meeting with a therapist and it doesn't feel right, you can stop seeing them, ask for a referral, or start your search over again. This process is about you and your needs, not about pleasing the therapist so don't feel obligated to continue if it isn't working out.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: How can I make the dreams and voices go away?
For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Are you in the middle of extreme emotional pressure right now?Or, is someone with whom you're close, under stress or somehow suffering?Dreams and nightmares are when our feelings and pressures we feel, try working themselves out without logic and language.Even though the nightmares are horrible, they are one way your psyche is trying to come to terms w extraordinary difficulty in your life or someone's life whom you feel greatly attached.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: How can I get past the hurt of being told by various significant others that I wasn't good enough to have a baby with?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
I'm not really sure what "not good enough" means. If multiple people have told you that, one thing to consider is that they each had their own reasons for not wanting a child at that moment. It is possible that it had nothing to do with you.Did any of these significant others say anything about what made them feel that way? I hope that you were able to talk about these ideas rather than them telling you what they thought and then not further discussing it.What qualities do you want to see in the partner that you want to have a baby with? What attributes do you have to give back to that relationship?
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How do I pick which parents house I want to live at?
My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer (from Eileen Moran):
Topic: human-sexuality

Question: Is it bad to fantasize about my mom?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. There are a couple of things I want to mention and some other colleagues may add other types of information. I want to talk about fantasies (an internal behavior not known by others) versus external behaviors that others can see, and your specific question about fantasizing about a parent. I am going to assume that you are meaning sexual fantasies, and I apologize if that is not your meaning. It is important to remember that we may fantasize about a bunch of things that we would never do. Someone may fantasize about punching his boss right in the nose, but would never do it. And not just because of the consequences, but because they genuinely would not want to hurt someone in real life. It is also true that some people fantasize about things as a way to "work up" to doing the actual thing they want to do. You may be in one of  these categories. The specific issue of fantasizing about a mother is something  commonly found in Sigmund Freud's theories about psychosexual development. He called it the Oedipus Complex, and determined it is generally found in early childhood development, but can move into adulthood. The reason I am sharing this with you isn't to make you a psychology major, but rather so that you will know that you are NOT the only person to have such fantasies in adulthood. Something to think about is whether or not you should feel guilty about fantasies. Of course, if the answer is yes, you may find yourself feeling guilty a lot of the time. Or should you only concern yourself with behaviors that others can actually see or be affected by? For example, should you only be concerned if you are actually planning on ACTING on one of your fantasies toward your mother. The answer to that could certainly be yes, since someone acting on their fantasies would certainly impact someone else. Sometimes our minds will have a fantasy and we recognize that it is taboo, and when that happens it is possible that we will actually fantasize about it MORE. That is also a possibility here, too. You may have had a rogue fantasy that has now taken root.  The most important thing I am trying to get across to you is that there may be many reasons for these fantasies and they don't all lead to them, or you, being "bad." If you have real concerns about what this may mean about you as a person, you may want to go to a counselor. This is especially true if you think you want to act on these fantasies and you know that would be harmful. There are many possible explanations for these fantasies and a counselor's office may be the safest place to explore them. Be well.Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Topic: anxiety

Question: I want to feel more comfortable around people
My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people.
   How can I feel more comfortable around other people?

Answer (from Emily ForsytheHelping clients be their most authentic selves):
I'd wonder first if you were still in the same home and neighborhood where you raised your son and experienced the abuse? In many ways, we react to our environments - and if you're still surrounded by neighbors who didn't reach out when they heard your ex yelling or offer assistance and resources when your son acted differently than his peers, it might make sense that you're more timid around folks. It might also be worth thinking about where your bar is set: do you want to be as comfortable around people as you were before your recent circumstances? Or find your new normal, and connect only with people who raise you up and bolster your self-esteem? You have the right to be both cautious (if you're still surrounded by the same folks and environment) and discerning - only connecting with people who will be supportive. All the best~
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: What happens in a counseling session?
After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?

Answer (from Ashley "Ashton" BernalRenewed Hope Counseling):
I think this question can vary based on the individual therapist, their style and theoretical orientation. Clients are always welcome to ask questions before and during the process to understand their care. When I am first meeting with a client I take a more formalized approach in our first session completing what is called a psychosocial assessment. Typically I explore what brought the client to therapy in the first place and I take a more direct approach asking a variety of questions related to the specific struggles, frequency, history, duration, etc. This is NOT how my normal therapy sessions are and I try to explain that to my clients so they understand that while my first initial sessions is a lot of information gathering, and me typing out their responses, on going therapy is very client focused and catered to the needs of the client.
Topic: relationships

Question: Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good?
He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
Sometimes relationships just do not work.  Don't feel that the first, second, or even third relationship is the relationship you are suppose to be in for life.   The one that is meant for you will require work but should be be draining and a constant roller coaster of breaking up.  It is good you all went to counseling, but one or two sessions may not be enough to make and see a change in behavior.  It takes times and it takes both working toward the same goal.  I would suggest doing you...meaning focusing on your own growth at the time.  If he wants to grow with you, he will make the necessary steps.  If he doesn't...wish him well.