thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: I'm having a hard time with a breakup
I was with my boyfriend for years on and off. We dated and broke up three times. Since we broke up five months ago I can't move on. I want to get back together but he won't talk to me. What should I do?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Probably being sad to lose the relationship would be a good next move for you.When a relationship ends the daily life structure changes significantly.  A break up means adjusting to differences in everyday life, not only that the person is no longer connected with us.Since your boyfriend isn't talking to you then you're keeping yourself sadder than necessary to not accept his actions.  There's nothing you or anyone else can do change the fact that when someone decides to stop talking, this person is the only one who's in charge to start talking.Maybe since you've had several breakups w this person that you require more time to pass before you're willing to accept that his changed interest in the relationship is permanent.Be patient with your uncertainty as to whether he will or will not resume the relationship.  Once enough time passes so that you're considerably past the point at which you and he come together, then accepting his leave-taking will feel natural.Right now its very understandable to have hope since you've been on this road before.  In time you'll have your answer as to whether your future is with him or not.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I open up to the ones I love?
I have been pushing people away all my life. I finally have a great boyfriend who loves me, but I keep pushing him away and I don't want to. I need to learn to open up.

Answer (from Dr. John Frampton):
Figuring out the space we need between ourselves and others is an ongoing and unsolvable task.  But it sounds like you may be feeling stuck in a pattern of pushing people away and are wanting to change that.  Pushing others away may be your way of surviving relationships and may have proven to be very helpful at one point in your life.  Or it may be serving some other purpose.  One helpful way to consider changing that is to seek out a therapist.  Psychotherapy can provide you with a relationship that is in tune to you and that can provide the reflection and supportive challenges to help determine the function the 'pushing away' is serving.  It also may be helpful for you to take time to reflect on the moments when interpersonal guardedness snuck its way into the interaction.  What were you feeling right before this?  Did it provide relief?  Reflecting on what was happening just before and right after can provide some clues as to what purpose the 'pushing away' serves.It may be helpful to communicate to the boyfriend how you experience intimacy and the discomfort it can bring you at times.  This may help him be as sensitive as you need him to be about the pace of the relationship, and to understand what may be happening when you push him away.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I feel insecure, on edge, and drink too much
I feel insecure in my life. I don't think my wife truly wants our relationship even though she says she does. I have turned to drinking to help relieve my repressed stress about this and other issues. I have had a drinking problem for a few years. I feel the reason I drink is not just because I like to, but because I have lately been on edge. I’ve been very oddly emotional when watching movies that I have been watching for years. I’m paranoid about driving on main roads. I’m very jumpy at the slightest noises.

Answer (from Todd Schmenk, M.S., M.Ed.AQAL Therapies, Inc.,):
Given the description you have posted here, it may be time to find someone to work with.  First and foremost, look into working with someone who specializes in working with individuals with challenges surrounding drinking. This would need to be assessed first since if it has been ongoing, it may be making the situation worse and given the time it has been utilized as a coping mechanism, there is reason to believe that the structure of your brain may have been effected as has been demonstrated by current neurological research.  There are however, ways to address this.  As for coping mechanisms, the person you work with should also look at offering you alternatives such as the skills found within the Dialectic Behavior Therapy model (DBT) which has several useful tools to help address the underlying anxiety and difficulty managing emotional regulation.  Mindfulness, another component of DBT should also prove to be useful in both becoming aware of your state of mind and emotional state to allow you to make different choices which has been supported by a growing body of evidence.  There are also other tools designed to help repair damaged relationships.  Well worth looking into.Seeking help is never easy and it is only human to be hesitant given some of the cultural views of working with therapist.  This is a difficult place to be in and one that is not easy to move out of, but sitting on it is not going to help it go away.  Think of it this way, if you broke your arm, would you just wrap it up and hope for the best? or seek out a professional to help you set the break and teach you how to mend the wound.  The same applies here.  Think of it as first aid for the mind.
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Keyonne Spencer, MS, LPCEnriching the lives of couples, individuals and families.):
Hi there Mom! Just look at all of the things that a teen has to juggle and it's no surprise they're stress out. There are simply not enough minutes in the day to get everything done.  So, they react by cutting into important times such as social interaction and sleep.  Our fast paced, fast food, society is taking its toll on our teen generation. While multi-tasking seems to be a hot pop word, it simply doesn't work.  We aren't wired to do our best at multiple things at once.  We are not machines but rather humans who are going to quickly expire if we don't get a handle on our stress.As adults, it's time we intervene and teach our teens how to maintain a healthy balance between work and play.  We need to help them prioritize and put first things, first.  Are you putting first things, first in your life?  If not, it's a good time to start. Best of luck to you and your daughter in whatever you decide to do.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: What can I do to help my dad stop drinking?
Or how to send him somewhere that can help him, something like The Baker Act.

Answer (from Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist):
More information would be needed for me to accurately answer this question, such as your age, whether you live with your dad or not, and what other family members live in the household. Something like this, alcoholism, is a whole family disease. In other words, family members often unknowingly contribute to the alcoholism and enable the alcoholic to continue the destructive behavior.First of all, you can’t make your dad do anything, and constantly nagging him or begging him to stop is just going to make him defensive and make this worse. Nobody can change another person. What you can do is change how you react to him and the things that you and other family members do for him. Research codependency. There’s a great book called Codependent No More. There are a lot of articles on the internet that you can read. In short, you have to stop enabling him. Like I said, you cannot control him, but you can control yourself. This means do not buy his alcohol. Do not make it easy for him to get. Don’t loan him the car keys or pay any household bills for him. Don’t call in sick to work for him or make excuses for him in any way. Do not bail him out of jail when he gets arrested. He needs to be responsible for himself. This may mean losing his job or losing his driver’s license. This may mean that he loses his family if he doesn’t stop. What you and your family can do is set boundaries about what you will put up with. It is his choice to drink, but it is your choice to put up with the behaviors of his drinking. A lot of people go into rehab because their spouse said if they don’t then they are getting a divorce.If you are an adult and you don’t live with your dad, then the best thing you can do for him is STOP doing things for him. If you are a child who lives at home with him, then this could be a case for child protective services. In my state this is called DHS. A report is made to this organization for child abuse or neglect. Substance abuse in the home qualifies. Of course, alcohol is legal and when consumed in moderation, there is no problems. The problem will be the result of his alcohol consumption. Does he drive with children in the car while intoxicated? Is he left to care for minors while in an intoxicated state? Are there any domestic violence issues due to his drinking? This could be a reason for the authorities to step in. You can look for a local meeting for family members of alcoholics. They are similar to the AA meetings that an alcoholic should go to, but are for the family members. They can help you.
Topic: marriage

Question: My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change
That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I empathize with your feeling "crazy" hearing your husband yell "enough" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down,  have you ever told him that this upsets you?  Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: Why do my parents always favor my sibling while acting like they do so much for me?
My parents hate me.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm sad for you to feel hated by your parents.Only they would know the reason for the discrepancy in how they treat you and your sibling.Know that every human being deserves love and respect.That they treat you less well than your sibling has reasons which you may or may not care to theorize on.Regardless of their reasons, their behavior toward you is not excusable.Protect your emotions and develop good relationships outside the family, like with friends and school mates.While you deserve their loving attention, there's nothing directly you can do to squeeze it from them.If they don't volunteer their love to you, then invest your goodwill into others who will enjoy and appreciate you.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Malia DossCounseling for Couples, Individuals, Families):
The first thing I would ask yourself is how do you feel when it is time to go to therapy? What do you notice inside your body? Are you sick to your stomach? Neutral? Dreading it? Your body will give you indications as to how safe you feel. Your relationship with your therapist is like any other relationship...you need to feel safe, accepted and understood. You want to see someone who you look forward to sitting across from and feel comfortable talking about whatever is on your heart and mind.  What are you preferences? Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female therapist? Does their age matter? What kind of therapy do you want to do? Do you know? If not, you might want to talk to friends or family who have done therapy and ask them what they liked or didn't like, what worked for them and what the process was like. You can always talk to a prospective therapist about all the questions you have (Have they worked with others with your issues? Have they ever been in therapy? Where did they go to school? What kind of training do they have? Etc.) You may not know in the first session or two if you have the right therapist but pay attention to how you feel while you are there. Your therapist should check in with you and ask how you are feeling. If it's not a good match for you, your therapist should try and help you find someone who will be a good match. Your trust and connection with your therapist is the biggest indicator for success in therapy. Both of you should be concerned about your alliance and any good therapist will want you to find the best therapist for you!
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: Why do I feel like I'm always wrong in everything in my relationship?
My wife is always accusing me of cheating and telling me that I'm doing things she finds disrespectful even when I don't mean it like that. For example, she gets offended when I call someone at work "sweetheart." I wish I had a penny for every time she accused me of cheating on her. She doesn't, and never will say she was wrong. How do I get her to understand?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
People often project their insecurities onto others.  Has she been cheated on prior to your
marriage, or has there been infidelity in the marriage? Would she seek therapy for her insecurities, and/or couple’s
therapy?
Also, something to consider is not to allow someone else’s
insecurities to become your insecurities. Do not allow their words to penetrate your psyche.  Your worth is not based on others’ estimations
of you. You may enjoy this video Self-Esteem & Worthiness Affirmations - Remember Your Worth and value
Topic: depression

Question: I feel like my life is pointless
I have absolutely nothing to do with my life but lay in bed on my phone or hangout with my one friend. I don't have a job, my family doesn't include me in anything, and I don't have many friends. I have nothing to do besides go on my phone. I miss talking to people in person instead of online. I don't even talk to my family in person even from the other room.

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
It sounds like you are feeling pretty stuck, lonely, and hopeless; like you have a desire to be more connected to people and to find purpose in life, but are not sure what to do. I am glad to hear that you have at least one friend and I think it is great that you are reaching out for more connection. If you can, working with a therapist who is competent in treating depression may be a huge benefit to you and help you to regain a sense of meaning, motivation, and connection. Additionally, anything you can do to give yourself a little break from the feeling of pointlessness and any ruminating thoughts you may be having may be of help. I know it may sound pointless in the moment, and you may feel a great deal of inertia in doing so, but you may find that if you force yourself to do something small that is pleasurable, like taking a walk for example, there's a good chance you will be glad that you did so after the fact. Thank you for reaching out.
Topic: depression

Question: How do depression and PMS symptoms contribute to one another and what can I do about it?
I struggle with depression as well as pretty intense mood swings throughout the month. I experience highs where I feel amazing and energetic and then lows where I lack focus, energy, and generally have a more dark outlook on my life. How can I live a more balanced life?

Answer (from Sara Makin, M.S.Ed.,NCC#1 Best Selling Author & Counselor):
Depression and PMS symptoms can be so hard to navigate !  Looking at this from a holistic standpoint can help you understand why you get these mood swings and what to do to balance yourself emotionally during this time. As a woman, we experience peaks and dips during our hormonal cycles and right before menstruation, we tend to feel not ourselves and down. The bloating and extreme cravings do not help either.Making sure your schedule is light and you have things to assist you can be so helpful. Different essential oils like lavender may calm you down, or orange which can uplift your mood. Homeopathy can be effective and gentle during this time as well. Birth control is known to help reduce the extreme spikes in hormones and can reduce your emotional and physical pain. Perhaps even psychiatric medication like an SSRI can help . If you are interested in going down the medication route, be sure to ask the doctor about potential side effects and risks . Reducing your processed sugar intake may help a lot as well. Exercising, spending time outside, practicing stress management and avoiding caffeine and alcohol can all be useful as well.
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
Great question. Hopefully you received your answer. I would get her to her Pediatrician to rule out medical issues and if the Pediatrician says that nothing medically is wrong with her, then it has to do with mental health issues, so, yes, get in with someone for help, not just for her but also for you to help her when she "freaks out."
Topic: relationships

Question: How will I check if there really is something wrong with me?
My boyfriend says I'm nuts. I need to get help because I get an overwhelming feeling that he is cheating on me. Whenever I try to talk with him about it, he always turns it around on me by telling me what I'm doing wrong. I know that accusing him does not help. When his whole demeanor shifts towards me, I can't help but think that something is wrong. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I try to talk with him to make it better. I let him know when I am feeling down. But I am not confident in these things.  Two weeks ago a girl texted his phone 3 times trying to hook up with him. He texted her back with "Sorry, I've been working. I just read your message." The girl was trying to get him to call her at a time when he was at home with me. He texted her back with "Don't text me anymore." I don't feel like I am way out of the line. But I can't talk with him if all that he will say is that I'm crazy and I need help. What should I do? How will I go about checking if there really is something wrong with me?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Trust your intuition that your boyfriend is involved with other people.You gave examples which strongly suggest this.Quite commonly, a person twist someone's words to convince then of having problems in seeing or understanding their own and other's behavior.Your intuition is again working quite well in telling you that your problem is having a boyfriend who manipulates you, not that you're seeing things incorrectly.One way to check if you're totally misreading him, is to examine whether you feel similarly in other relationships.If no one else who knows you tells you that you're crazy, then this strongly points to your boyfriend twisting words so that you feel wrong.Also, a consult with a therapist would clarify the dynamics between you and your boyfriend.A therapist session would also allow you to think out loud in a confidential discussion, what to do with your newfound clarity!
Topic: spirituality

Question: How do I find myself?
I don't know what to say. I have never really known who I am.

Answer (from Cory Ian Shafer LPCPsychotherapist, Jungian, Hypnotherapy):
This is perhaps the deepest question that one can ask of themselves and the answer is as elusive as the deepest enigma. We are fluid beings, we are never the same from day to day, we learn or unlearn, we evolve or some of us even devolve, we are in a state of constant flux, changing and adapting, like a cloud in the sky that has its shape changed by the wind, life whittles us away and carves us constantly, trying to understand this question is like trying to bite your own teeth, however we can have a sense of what we would call our core and to understand the core, we need to live and to experience, but also to think deeply, analytically, and critically, by engaging with life we get a sense that we are like the Earth itself, inside of us there is a core, just as there is inside our planet but our continents shift and change over time, like those continents so does our own nature shift throughout our lives.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Whitney JenningsGet unstuck and show up as your best self in life.):
I believe you can never have too many issues for counseling.  If such is the case, what would be the alternative?  Not seek help at all?  It is important to understand that counseling is a journey.  Counseling is not about getting "fixed," but instead about self-exploration, self-discovery, and empowerment.  I seek to support my clients in all of those areas by helping them see their problems from a different perspective and gently challenging them for better.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety?
I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I’m an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi. Even though (thankfully) your parents responded well to you telling them, and you received treatment, it's possible, and very normal for sexual abuse trauma to affect you in different ways as you age and develop. Please see a therapist, who can help you find the root of the anxiety.