Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from Ashton SullivanDialectical Behavior Therapy and EMDR):
Wow, that's tough.  It's understandable to feel trapped when the people you depend on are mistreating you.  While you can't change your parents, fortunately you can work on changing yourself and your situation.Often, the clients I work with feel trapped when there are actually things they can do to change their situation.  The problem is, our emotions can be so powerful they can distort our perception of reality or prevent us from doing the things necessary to build a better life.  Work through this with a therapist to see if your emotions might be getting in the way and look outside the box for things that you can do to change your situation.  In the meantime, here are some other things you can work on.1.)  Assume the best and try not to take it personally.  Most likely your parents don't want to cause you harm, but they don't know any other way to cope with their emotions or communicate effectively.  For example, they may feel that they failed as parents somehow but they take their frustrations out on you.  Maybe their disappointment comes off as anger or frustration directed towards you.  Maybe they feel powerless and the abuse gives them an outlet or a sense of control (i.e., an unhealthy way of coping).  This doesn't excuse them for treating you that way but can help in understanding that this may be all they know and the abuse is the problem- not you.2.)  Communicate.  Relationships are transactional, meaning that what you do and say affects me, and what I do and say affects you.  One way we influence people is with the way we communicate (our words, body language, actions, tone of voice, etc.).  If you don't say or do anything, you are essentially communicating that it is acceptable.Instead, tell them clearly and respectfully every time their words or actions hurt you.  Sometimes people don't realize how their words and actions affect us (or they don't know how else to say things), but it is our responsibility to let them know and to set the boundaries.  Remember that while it is your parents' responsibilities to manage their own emotions and communication, it is your responsibility to take care of your own.You could say something like, "when I hear you say that it really hurts," "please don't say things like that to me," or even more clearly, "it's not okay to talk to me that way.  Please find a more respectful way to say you need."  Each time you are correcting them and teaching them how to treat you.  I realize that this doesn't always work because ultimately people are gonna do do what they want, but these are ways that you can practice standing up for yourself.  You may have to say these things over and over again, but it's better than not saying anything at all.  Not only will it help your self esteem, but you will be modeling healthy boundaries and communication for your child.None of this is easy work and since people are so complex, there isn't a quick and easy fix.  I definitely recommend working with a therapist to explore what's keeping you stuck and how you can work through it.  It would be awesome if your parents would be on board with learning some healthier ways to communicate as well.  I hope this helps and things work out!