thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

Answer (from Eddie CapparucciUtilizing Inner Child Recovery Process to Treat Sex/Porn Addictions):
Topic: anxiety

Question: What is social anxiety?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Social anxiety is fear of social situations where someone is exposed to the public scrutiny of others. It could include things like having conversations with people you don't know, being observed, or public speaking, etc.You can find more information here: https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/what-is-social-anxiety
Topic: anxiety

Question: What are the best ways to reduce anxiety?
I have anxieties about everyday stressors, i.e. finances, work, relationships, kids, and maintaining a household.

Answer (from Marsha MandelMandel Counseling):
Since it is clear that people react differently to the same stressors, we know that the stressors are not causing the anxiety, our thoughts about the stressors are. Often, cognitive distortions are the problem. Some common cognitive distortions include catastrophizing (predicting the worst), future telling, black and white thinking (if it's not perfect, it's terrible), mind-reading (I just know he is angry at me) and can't-standitis (I can't stand this situation). There are more, but the list is long, and if some of these are resonating with you, I would advise looking up CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) tips, worksheets, booklets etc. on line, or contact a local CBT therapist. Another helpful piece of info on anxiety, is that it is prone to something called "symptom stress" - being anxious about anxiety. If we could hear this symptom stress it might sound like, "Oh no I'm getting nervous about this, I'm getting uptight, I look nervous, what if I have a panic attack!" followed by  more cognitive distortions such as "I can't stand being anxious!" and "this is horrible!" The antidote to this is acceptance.  Kind of like not stopping the waves but learning to surf instead (Jon Kabat-Zinn). If you happen to feel anxious, say to yourself - this is just a reaction I'm having that is unpleasant, but not horrible. I can tolerate and survive some anxiety, I can breathe deeply, and I'll be OK because panic attacks never killed anyone. I can stand this and it is temporary. You get the idea.We can increase our awareness of anxiety-provoking self-talk, and counteract it with calming and reassuring self-talk. We have the ability to think about our thinking, decide which thoughts are healthy and which are unhealthy, and choose which to focus on. We brainwash ourselves with our thinking, and according to self-perception theory, " we learn what we believe when we hear ourselves speak," so we may as well be a calming, reassuring presence in our own minds. :)
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How should I deal with my mom's controlling behavior?
I'm an adult, facing problems with my mom. She's way too controlling. She decides things for me, disregarding whatever I say. I tried explaining my side to her calmly, but she eventually gets angry and doesn't wish to listen to me regardless of how I speak to her.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
The part of your life which is in your control is the way you handle what your mom does and the way she talks to you.It is possible the two of you have very different opinions on a great number of matters.Each person, including you, has the right to decide whether and how to respond to someone.Stick up for your own right to make decisions.If she doesn't accept your independent viewpoints, then this doesn't give away your right to have these views.Since she makes herself clear as to her unwillingness to listen to you, then consider this as an easy way to avoid directly speaking with her about what's on your mind.If she ever shows an interest in your opinions and you feel like discussing these with her, then feel free to make this choice.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get over a person I fell in love with?
I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before.    I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people.
   How can I get myself to just move on?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
What about him do you miss most?  What part of those things can you self-generate, give those things to yourself.  Working thru the grief of losing this relationship.   Perhaps review this video and see what comes up.  Also, reviewing your feelings around scarcity- is he the only person who can be a healthy partner to you? When thoughts of him come up, redirect your thoughts versus letting thoughts of him consume your life.  Some have found support in engaging in acupuncture and emotional freedom technique (EFT) also building up your feelings of self-worth, and self-love outside of him and your former relationship. Evicting someone living in your head rent free
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does counseling help people?
Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Answer (from Darlene ViggianoLet Your Inner Light Shine!):
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Ingrid d'AquinI am offering new possibilities in life. I help people find RELIEF and HOPE..):
The most important thing is it has to feel right.  While that sounds vague and not very scientific it is the most important part of therapy.  Us counselors call it therapeutic rapport and without it therapy is not very effective.  You want to know you can trust your therapist, that you are not being judged, that they respect your privacy, that you feel comfortable talking to them about the good and the bad.  You want to feel heard and know you therapist is genuine . Not all therapist are a good fit for everyone.  Go with your gut :) As an added note I recommend going with a therapist who has done their own therapy!
Topic: intimacy

Question: Am I being picky when it comes to my boyfriend?
I've been in a relationship for almost a year, and I absolutely trust my boyfriend. He treats me nice, checks on me, and tells me sweet things. However, when it comes to making life decisions, I feel he is very immature. I try to talk things out so we can compromise or make sound decisions together, but he lacks any ideas and prefers to just go with anything to avoid fighting. As far as dates, if I don't say anything, plan it, or have money to chip in, we will not go. I feel like I put in a lot of work supporting and sometimes spoiling, and all I get is a loyal man who will not cheat and say sweet things on occasion.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Well, then your decision is whether you want to stay in this type of relationship or not.One point to keep in mind is this.Just because he's not telling you his opinions doesn't mean he doesn't have any opinions.In the long run t is always easier to talk with someone about their differences from our point of view than to be someone who doesn't tell you what is in their mind.Short term it seems easy to have someone agreeable.Long term someone who doesn't tell you their thoughts and who disagrees with you, may potentially go about their true wishes in hidden ways.
Topic: trauma

Question: My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?
There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life.
   I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40.
   Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past I’m pushing him away.
   How can I get my life back?

Answer (from Jessica Fealk, MA, LPCwww.dalycounseling.com (Michigan)):
It may not feel like it, but you are in a great spot!  You know what is holding you back!  It sounds like you want to deal with your past and find healing, so you can move forward in freedom.  Trauma is life-altering and at any age, especially when we are young.  Meeting with a counselor who works from a trauma-informed perspective would probably be beneficial, as there can be so many layers to the effects of trauma. More good news: you have met a very loving and caring man! Since he is loving and caring, he most likely will want to support you in healing.  Honesty and vulnerability in safe spaces build intimacy; have you considered sharing with him what's behind your distancing behaviors?  You may have an ally in your healing just waiting to be allowed in.     You are headed in the right direction to get your life back considering therapy.
Topic: relationships

Question: Why do I feel like I need a man in my life?
Why am I attracted to older men?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
What a wonderful question!Good for you on clearly knowing your priorities.If I was sitting with you now, I'd ask you to list your reasons.Start with whatever answers you do come up with and examine each of these a little further.If, for example, you feel you need a man because many of your friends are in relationships, then possibly you feel insecure about being your unique self, even when this sets you apart from your friends.If, you feel you need a man to protect you financially, then possibly you've lost faith in your ability to financially support yourself.If you'd like a man in your life to offer your love and are willing to contribute the work of relating intimately, then you've found the best reason for wanting a man in your life.This is far different than "need".
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Philippe BowerHealing with Philippe):
First, I want to acknowledge the love and care you have for your daughter. Second, as I am reading through your posting I want to share that often when our children seem to be stressing about "silly" things it can represent deeper feelings such as anxiety, depression, and other similar issues. My recommendation would be to seek out a counselor who could afford a "safe" and "nurturing" environment in which your child can share the deep concerns fueling her emotions. Namaste
Topic: legal-regulatory

Question: My boyfriend is in the hospital. They won’t tell me what’s wrong and if or when he’s coming back

Answer (from Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor):
I know it can be really tough when a loved one is in the hospital and you aren't being told what is going on.In general, both Federal and State confidentiality laws prohibit health care providers from giving out private information about patients to non-family members.Unfortunately, you will probably just have to wait until he is released (or until you can visit him) to find out from him what is going on.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: Why does my granddaughter instantly switch moods?
She was diagnosed a type one diabetic two years ago and had a very tough time dealing with it. She has an attachment issue also; her mother just moved to a much nicer home, and she gets angry and demands to go back to her prior home. We do not understand what is going on, and it is driving us crazy.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
There are many possible answers here. It could be that she misses friends, that she felt safe in the other house (emotionally safe and comfortable), or dozens of other things. Will she talk about it when she's not mad? You mentioned that she has an attachment issue. It could also be that she was attached to the house. It's not the same as being attached to a person, but possessions and safe places certainly mean a lot.
Topic: depression

Question: I'm very depressed?
I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?

Answer (from Sara Makin, M.S.Ed.,NCC#1 Best Selling Author & Counselor):
You have already taken the brave first step of making the decision to heal from it and find a professional that will help you do so. There are lots of different options nowadays for therapists, as you can see them online or in an office.  My biggest tip for you is to use Psychology Today or Counsel Chat to find a therapist.  Enter in your zip code and you will find many different therapists you can talk to . Be sure to find someone that you most resonate with and ask them any questions you may have. Many  times, therapists will provide free consultations and this can be a great opportunity to see if you are a good fit.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer (from Meg McKeon):
It is very difficult to move from being the child to be the care giver as in your situation. Your mother's behavior as you describe it is a part of this disease. As the disease progresses and she is less aware of the present including her surroundings and who she is speaking to. Your response of anger and frustration are understandable. It is also a part of the grief process as you see you mother slipping away mentally. In the moment that you feel the anger step away, take some deep breathes and give yourself time to calm down. Then return to whatever you were doing with her. Caregivers of Alzheimer's patients need a lot of support themselves. There are support groups  as well as respite services available in many areas that will help you understand the process that each of you is going through. You can get more information about Alzheimer's disease and local resources by going to www.alz.org
Topic: relationships

Question: Why do my boyfriend and I have such trouble communicating?
We’ve been together almost three years. We argue and he ends it by telling me he doesn’t love me. It's hurtful because I am all about resolving the problem, and he dwells on the issue even if I drop what he's done and just swallow my pride and say I am sorry. How can this be resolved? We have kids, and I don't want a broken family because we can't communicate.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
You can't fix this by yourself, but I applaud you for trying. One person working hard in a relationship can make things better for a while., but in the long haul you need two people giving some effort. I'm reading between your lines here and I wonder if your need to keep the family together is getting you to apologize when you've done nothing wrong and ignore things you've felt hurt by. I sense that you're doing all the work...that it's not balanced. I have worked with many couples and I've learned never to underestimate what kind of change is possible; anything is possible. But in order for change in a couple to occur, you need two people who are both willing to own their choices and behaviours, and who have empathy. Your boyfriend doesn't appear to have these components; he pushes you away and blames you when he's done something hurtful.Can you be honest with yourself about what's happening? I encourage you to sit down with a trusted friend or therapist and look at what you have here and what your options are. I wish you well.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Ingrid d'AquinI am offering new possibilities in life. I help people find RELIEF and HOPE..):
I would say that's the whole point of therapy!  Cry your heart out.  Therapy should be a place where you feel ok to be vulnerable when you are working through your stuff.  It's when your mind and your heart finally meet and you make the connections you need to make.
Topic: anger-management

Question: How do I deal with my alcoholic boyfriend with a dark past?
We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
You shouldn't need to educate yourself on violent outbursts.  He is the one in the position to change his violent outbursts.   They are his behavior, not yours.  All you're trying to do is have a relationship with this guy.The one task to do is during a quiet time to tell your boyfriend the way you feel about his outbursts.His answer, whether he denies having a problem, blames you for his problem, tells you the problem isn't so bad, why are you complaining, tells you a lot about his willingness to change.Whether or not he considers himself to have a problem and wants to change himself, is very good for you to know.This tells you what to expect from him in future.   You can reflect and plan ahead for your own life depending on your tolerance and willingness to live with what he answers you.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: How do I know if I'm transgender?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Transgender means that you feel as though the gender that you are is different than the gender that were born with. So, for example, if you are genetically and biologically female, but you feel as though you are a male, that would be the initial concept of considering whether or not you are transgender. Just in the effort to be clear, the same idea applies if you are genetically and biologically male and feel as though you're female.This goes beyond people who enjoy dressing in the clothes of the opposite gender, although people who are transgender will sometimes do this as well. Being transgender is not about dressing up as the opposite gender, but rather feeling as though they actually are the opposite gender and are basically in the wrong body compared to how they feel on the inside.Find more information here: http://www.transequality.org/about-transgender
Topic: anxiety

Question: I am fearful of social situations and avoiding people all together
This is preventing me from getting a job. I have bad relationship with my bipolar mother. I am living with her but it stresses me out so much to be around her that I have locked myself in my room. I have no friends or other family to help me. I have no money for therapy, but I think I need therapy before I can secure a job.

Answer (from Mark Morris, LCSWTherapist and Author of Living Yes):
Overwhelming fear, social anxiety and depression are especially painful because they make behaving constructively a challenge.  But there are also lots of examples of folks who have successfully worked their way through this.  So there is hope!   In addition to the suggestion to visit your doctor (who may prescribe a medication to help you relax), there are many social service agencies who provide free counseling or take medicaid.  A good CBT therapist will help you look at your thinking so that you may see how you are distorting your thoughts.  Behavior is also important.  Despite how you may feel: it is helpful to go out, to do things that relax you (maybe a yoga class or a meditation class?).  Exercise. Diet. Eat well. Think back on the things that you used to do that helped in the past, and force yourself to do these things again.  I know that this seems hard, but it beats the alternative, doesn't it?  Of course, I recommend you pick up a copy of my book, Living Yes, which will help you look at these and other ideas to help you out.  I hope you get unstuck soon!  ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I keep a long distance relationship going?
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?

Answer (from Virginia ChowTheraspace):
Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection. Without knowing more about the "complicated" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him?  Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on "what if" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure. However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones. Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca