thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: intimacy

Question: Can my marriage be saved?
I have been married for ten years. My husband is 29 years my senior. We have a young daughter. Ever since she was born, my husband has "shut down." We have no intimacy; he doesn't even kiss me. I've told him how I feel for years, and he swears he loves me and wants to make me happy, but I still have to literally beg for sex and affection. My self-esteem is gone, and I feel so alone. He has stranded me. He uses his passive-aggressive ways and ignores every comment I make. He refuses to talk to me in detail.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Smyrna,Your husband is avoiding dealing with this problem. I understand how lonely you must feel, not only sexually, but emotionally too.From what you describe, it seems that he wants to be there for you, but he clearly has barriers to engaging fully around this issue. My hunch is that he doesn't know what to do or how to talk to you. But I think he does have something to say.Your husband is 29 years older and you've been together for ten years...that puts you at around thirty perhaps and him at almost sixty? Has any wise older woman sat you down to explain that men sometimes have erectile issues or hormone-related low sex drive as they age? It's possible that your husband is bewildered, angry, grieving or anxious about changes in his sex drive or his ability to maintain an erection, and that he doesn't know how to talk to you about this. He may feel like he's letting you down, and he's scared it will get worse, so he's sticking his head in the sand. Of course, that doesn't help, does it?The worst case scenario is that you get angry or hopeless, that he senses danger or disapproval from you and pulls away even further in shame. Eventually, you stop chasing him, and you drift further apart. It's a bit of a conundrum...how to honour both your need for connection and honesty and his need for a safe place to explore his fears and insecurities. Maybe lower your expectations for a bit? Your husband will need to believe that you are a safe place to share his fears, and you would need to hold onto the fact that he's really scared, and that he's not rejecting you...just protecting himself.I would suggest having a gentle conversation that sounds something like "Sweetheart, we both know that something's not right here. I think you've been trying to handle this on your own or hoping it would get better, but can we agree that it's not? I need you to either talk to me about what's happening, or please go see a doctor. What I need is to see that you are doing some little step to help us. Either of those things would show me that."In the end, you need to know that he's heard you and that he's willing to look at the issue in some way. If he does neither, then at least you know where you stand and you can decide whether to live in a sexless marriage. I wonder if showing him this answer to your question might help? Just a thought.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: I've been having breakdowns for no reason at all
I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
There is a reason you are having breakdowns. I can't agree that they happen for "no reason at all".   Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, or recognize something that would be extremely pain.  However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you may confront, the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse.  There is a light at the end of the road but you need some help to find the right road to get on so you can see it.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: How can I stop abusing alcohol?
I have bipolar II disorder, I'm addicted to alcohol and weed, and I'm hopeless. I keep drinking even though it's harming myself and others.

Answer (from Pamela GriggsLicensed Professional Counselor):
The first step to change is to admit that you have a problem that is in need of change.  Frequently our problems keep us in denial.  Although feeling hopeless is an uncomfortable feeling, it suggests to me that you know that you can not do this alone.  The best course of treatment for you is to treat all of these problems together.  Alcohol detox can be very dangerous so it is important that you do this under the supervision of a medical provider; preferably someone who specializes in addiction.  Know also that although marijuana may not appear to be as big as a problem as alcohol is, it will cause you to have an increase in alcohol cravings so complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol is needed. I really recommend an inpatient stay for at least 30 days for anyone who is dealing with addiction, whether combined with mental health issues or not.  If this is not a possibility, then the next best thing would be an Intensive outpatient program that treats both addiction and mental health issues.  Know that there is hope for what you are experiencing.  You can get control over these issues.  The next step is finding the team and/or facility that is going to help you do it.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer (from Abigail EckI'm so grateful you're here. Finding a therapist is scary, so I'd like to make this comfortable for you.):
Short answer: YES.Feelings of worthlessness can have many sources. Some examples: feeling like you don't measure up; repeated experiences where you were told you were worthless; abrupt life changes; and depression. Once those thoughts start, we often latch onto them for dear life because they serve a purpose and actually help us in some way. A big key to starting the journey to self-acceptance and self-worth is to understand why you feel worthless. Where the heck did these thoughts come from? Get curious about it. Once you start to understand where these invalid thoughts are coming (I know these thoughts are invalid for a fact because I, a random therapist on the internet, cares for you and knows your worthy. So, take the jump and start exploring that intricate noggin' of yours. You've got this!
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I let go of someone who continues to hurt me
Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me.    He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that "letting go" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would have been their "anniversary." This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that, someone can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a "perfect" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes NOT making decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: depression

Question: How can I control my anxiety?
I started having anxiety three months ago. I'm new to having anxiety, and it's making me depressed.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
I agree with Cory. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) does seem to help a lot of people who struggle with anxiety. It's not the only type of therapy that can help, but it seems to help people in a way that is more natural and realistic. As Cory mentioned, anxiety is something that is part of life, so therapies that indicate we can get rid of it are questionable. Our natural inclination when we have anxiety is to STOP any and all things that may cause it or provoke it. We do this because we think it will help, but it actually doesn't. Anxiety usually has us rehashing the past or rehearsing the future while ignoring the present. ACT helps folks who have those kinds of tendencies. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: anxiety

Question: Do I have an anger problem?
When I get frustrated or upset, it becomes extremely difficult to keep my voice down. I also instantly cry and tend to have anxiety attacks. What can I do to try and control it?

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
I'm going to reframe this and you can decide if this is helpful!What I'm reading based on what you gave is that you are actually doing your best to manage intense feelings of internal dysregulation.  Anger is something that is generally a protective emotion that quickly arises to keep us safe in some way, whether or not the situation is truly a threat.  The part of our brain that perceives this is not controllable to us, so we don't get to decide what emotion(s) we respond with.It does also sound like you are experiencing some significant anxiety, maybe even underlying the anger?  Without knowing the context, it's hard to say what would help on an individual level but working through those triggers and what is really influencing them deep down could be beneficial.  There's many different ways to do that in therapy if you so choose that as your path.If you do decide to see a therapist, most will tell you that the goal is not necessarily to control your anxiety or anger.  Sometimes there's a strong set of beliefs that, when activated, are catalysts to strong emotions that influence behavior.  Trying to control an emotion on its own is usually unsuccessful for people because it leaves out all the other powerful elements at play.  Emotions are information and the brain sends that information out because it believes we need it at that time.  Therapists can help unravel that with you in whatever way you need, whether that's with somatic work, work at the level of belief (or schemas), or otherwise---hitting it at these deeper layers can unpair and/or decrease emotional responses.  It all takes work and time, so don't get down on yourself if the process is complicated or slower than you expected or hoped for.What we know though is that the brain is very capable of change (even if it's painful).   Hope this gives you a helpful place to start from!
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I fix or leave a bad relationship?
My ex-boyfriend and I have been back and forth for over a year now. He's in his late 20s, divorced for like five years now with two kids. He has a lot of narcissistic behaviors. He lies and cheats, but I love him. I've tried to date other people, but I always go back to him.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
There are a lot of pieces to the decision of whether to stay or leave. Can you have open conversations about your concerns? Is he able to listen to that? I'm not sure how you know for sure that he lies and cheats, but does he recognize these things as problems? Which part of you is bigger: the part of you that wants to stay or the part of you that wants to leave? Can you consider what you want, wish for, and desire while also considering the same for him? Can he do that for you?
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I like pets?
My boyfriend recently got a kitty. I hate cats in general, and he knows it. It grosses me out and makes me very upset when he pets his cat. I want to throw out the cat. I feel very jealous.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Sorry for you and sorry for the cat because you're each in a tense position.What was the context of your boyfriend adopting a cat since he was aware that this would likely cause problems in the relationship with you?If you don't already know his answer, then find out.  Doing so will tell you a lot about your boyfriend's expectations about you.  Does he expect you to accept without question, whatever he does?  Does he care about your views?  Does a cat have some deep meaning for him that having one is essential to his life and he never told you so?Please don't be mean to the cat.  Its not the cat's fault for being in your boyfriend's care.There are plenty of other cats on this earth so throwing out the cat will not solve anything between you and your boyfriend.Who knows, your boyfriend may come back home with three more cats!Start with a conversation about your feelings and his interest in your feelings.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I cope with depression?
In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with?You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend?
Topic: depression

Question: How do I deal with depression?
After my aunt passed away, I feel like I'm a different person. I don't talk to my friends really.

Answer (from Eileen Moran):
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Kevin MimmsBuilding Better Connections):
Hi, Reaching out on this site was a great first step! To start counseling, I would recommend looking up counselors and thinking about what sort of counselor would be a good fit. See if they have areas of focus that line up with your goals, and never be afraid to call and set up a consultation. Usually these are free of charge and can help you make your decision.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
I have found that if you go to my website and fill out the form, I can usually get back to you within 24 hours. In my most efficient instances, I've been able to set-up a consultation within a couple of days, which is just 15 minutes by phone, to chat a little about what you might want to work on, how I may or may not be a good fit, etc. Then from there, if you want to meet in person we can set up an initial session. I will usually be able to let you know what kinds of ongoing times for counseling that I have available over the phone. Scheduling is a big barrier to finding a therapist, especially in New York, when schedules seem pretty busy all around.I've heard a lot of statistics about how prospective clients in therapy will often wait for months before reaching out, which is why I think that email is great. Cold-calling can cause an unnecessary amount of anxiety (also, who will hear me on the phone?) whereas email is relatively easy to begin a conversation, from what I've found.I tend to recommend clients give a new therapist a couple of sessions to get a feel for fit. But, if it's horrible after one session, and you feel awful when you leave, that's another story. I might want to explore with you what felt so awful, but if you don't want to come back, that is well within your right.Also, keep in mind that we want to help. So, please don't feel like we are judging you for seeking out help! You are strong for doing so. Far too often I hear about it as a weakness, and that's just BS:)
Topic: intimacy

Question: Why can't I get an erection with my girlfriend?
I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago.    Why this is happening and what can I do about it?

Answer (from Frank TheusMA, LPC, NCC, CSAT):
First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047).Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified Sex Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, sex history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?
I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Candice Conroy, LMHCFind relief from anxiety, depression, and trauma.):
Absolutely not. It's actually quite rare for someone to come in to therapy for "just one thing." More often than not, even people who seek out therapy "just for anxiety" often find a host of other related things when they start peeling back the layers in therapy.When clients come to me with a list of things like this, our first step is to put it all out there and THEN to work on finding the "constellation." All of these things tie together to form a more complete picture of who you are and how your experiences have impacted you and have led to other experiences. For example, many clients find it helpful to understand how a history of sexual abuse can increase the likelihood of developing insomnia. Seeing how everything ties together often helps people to slow down and take a step back from the tendency to take each of these struggles as a personal flaw or failure and to see how the whole picture fits. Plus, on the upside, once you've started to piece together the larger picture, you can use that to decide where to begin. Once you begin learning skills you can apply to one area, often times those same skills can be applied to other concerns with just a little variation. For example, the skills required to process through the beliefs you developed as a result of sexual abuse so that you can start shifting your mindset to more helpful perspectives is actually the same skills you can use to change the thought processes that maintain insomnia. So the skills can be generalized relatively easily!As long as you're still breathing, there's no such thing as too far gone.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
I can understand the winter blues can truly be a hurdle in your life.  I wanted to share these two videos that could be beneficial in your search to combat your winter sadness.  The REAL irritation behind Winter IllnessHow to feel held, holiday warm, at home, nurtured, in a winter wonderland!