thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I end it?
How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Answer (from Minal NebhnaniDiscover Your Best Self!):
Hi there, that's a big question and really something no one can answer except you. Here are some things to consider to help you make your decision.What is leading you to ask the question? Has something happened recently or repeatedly that is making you question your relationship? If so, what is it. Can you rank it on a scale from 1-10, 1 being not a big deal and 10 being a deal breaker. What are your deal breakers and has he violated any of them? What are your reasons for being with him? How would you feel without him? How does he make you feel on a daily basis? Is there any abuse in the relationship (physical, emotional, psychological)? - if the answer to this question is yes - please seek immediate help. In addition to thinking about your relationship on your own, have you talked with your boyfriend about how you're feeling? If it is safe to do so, honest, open communication might help you get some more clarity. You don't have to say "I'm thinking about breaking up with you," but you can say something along the lines of, "I'm having some doubts about our relationship. Can we talk about us?" If you want to stay with him, maybe you can work on your relationship together? Going to couples counseling could also be an option for you.If you decide that the relationship is not working, think about how you would like to be broken up with and if possible, try to come from a place of kindness and understanding.  As always, I'm happy to provide more guidance if you'd like. Good luck with you decision.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Eileen Moran):
Topic: anxiety

Question: How do I get over "imposter syndrome"?
I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud.    How can I get over this feeling?

Answer (from Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner):
According to research, one of the ways to manage imposter feelings is to explore the cognitive distortions that contribute to the negative emotions. Expert  Jessica Vanderland, Ph.D a clinical psychologist.  challenges individuals to examine the bigger picture and asked the question concerning  what fact supports that you deserve to be in your role? Vanderland said, "it can help to zoom out and consider how where you are now compares to where you were last year or five years ago."  Vanderland recommended a simple exercise of exploring how you might help a friend who undermines their achievements and then apply the same supportive words to their your own narrative.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does counseling help people?
Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Answer (from Cory Ian Shafer LPCPsychotherapist, Jungian, Hypnotherapy):
Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight.
Topic: relationships

Question: I want to become a better man
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm glad to read about your willingness to develop new ways to invest yourself with your partner.The easier way to fix a relationship is when both people are helped to recognize the ways the couple dynamic falls short of what each person would like.Couples therapy is exactly this.Still, relationships can change if one person changes since changing one part of a system will change the system itself.Besides starting to work with a therapist on what you can do differently, reflect within yourself on the situations when problems arise between the two of you.See if you can figure out what you wanted and what you partner wanted in that particular moment. Was one of you trying to help the other and the person felt insulted by the suggestion of needing help?This is only an example of how intentions are misread or not welcome by one partner from the other.Also keep in mind there is a limit to everyone's flexibility.Reflecting and self-awareness are the first step.The second step is to know when you've reached the end of possibilities to change yourself and not be accepted for who you are.This raises the question of whether the two of you are far apart in similarities in order to be happy together.Good luck in enjoying the changes you will try to make!
Topic: parenting

Question: If my kids come back from their dad's and act like they are afraid they will get hit, should I be worried about him abusing them?
When they come home from their dad's and I fuss at them for anything, they move like they are dodging being hit. They say they’re sorry over and over really fast. I ask and they say no one has hit them, and I've seen no marks. Am I being paranoid or am I right to be?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I agree w your theory about your kids behaving fearfully means they’ve been w someone who created this feeling in them.It’s possible the father threatens and intimidates, and stops himself from following through w physically harming them.Approach the father the way you feel has the greatest chance of you knowing more.Sometimes indirect questions, like asking how the kids behave around him, how does he generally handle this, are better than “do you hit them?”
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I tell my separated wife that I'm expecting a child with the woman I'm dating?
I got married in 2014. I have a two year old son. His mom and I decided to separate due to my infidelities. We've tried to reconcile our differences but it never works out. Since we've been separated, I've dated someone, and we are expecting a baby girl. Is this something I should mention to my wife? The current woman whom I'm dating has been telling me for months to break up with her, but it's hard because I actually love her.

Answer (from Shelly Kessingerwww.friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com):
My answer is yes, you should tell her because you have a child with her. She is the mother of your son, and this new baby would be his half sister. I think telling her is mature and appropriate. Usually procrastinating just makes it worse.Another thing to consider. Would you want her to tell you if she was pregnant with her boyfriends baby? Hope this helps, take care!
Topic: parenting

Question: Is it normal to dislike one child?
I have three children. The oldest is nine and not my biological child. The middle child is three and the youngest is one. I have a great relationship with the oldest two children but I haven't developed the same level of attatchment to the youngest child. I rarely want her around and look forward to her nap times. Is this normal?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Congrats on being honest about the way you feel!Many people state having a favorite child so the reverse would also be possible, of having a least favorite child.Try to understand your own reasons for not liking your youngest child as much as the others.One point to consider is whether it is the child' personality or the way they interact with you which gives you the feeling of not liking this child as much as the others, or does the reason have more to do with younger children requiring more care?Also, do you generally prefer older kids to younger ones?   It is possible the problem will go away as your youngest grows older.Is there another parent in the household who can make up for what you feel unable to naturally give to your youngest?Is it possible you feel your own need to be involved with activities or to have time on your own?   Maybe you simply need a break from constant mothering.Continue to give as much as possible to your youngest child.
Topic: trauma

Question: What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?
I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Answer (from 2nd Chance Counseling Service Online Addiction Therapy ProviderConvenient Online Addiction Therapy ):
First I am so sorry for your loss.  Most people go through the grieving process.  I would get a better understanding of what that process is.  Everyone has their own way of handling loss.  You are taking the first step in realizing that you are having a difficult time coping with it.  I would reach out to a therapist that has experience treatment patients with loss. I would also recognize that drinking and smoking are both substances that will not make depression or depressive thoughts any better.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: How can I be interested in the same sex after nearly 40 years of being straight?
After 40 years of being straight, how could I now find myself interested in people of the same sex? I have had a few same sex encounters of my own doing.

Answer (from Fred RogersQue Sera Sera Counseling ):
Sexuality is fluid. One can be interested in same gender relationship after being straight fr 40years !
Topic: depression

Question: Why do I feel so lonely when I have friends and attention?
I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions.Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others.How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another.Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends.This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Jennifer Jenkins-BoitnottEMDRIA Approved Consultant & Certified EMDR Therapist):
No, you don't have too many issues to address in counseling. Humans are complex, and just based on the little bit of information you have shared, it sounds like you have likely experienced quite a bit of trauma in your life. When we experience traumatic events (such as sexual abuse, surviving cancer) it has an impact on our mood and thoughts about ourselves. As a trauma specialist & EMDR therapist, I often have clients who have experienced a lot of difficult things in their life and may be entering therapy for the first time. The process of healing and learning more adaptive beliefs and coping strategies takes time, but it is never too late to start!
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I stop overthinking and getting upset easily?
When I think of things people put me through in the past, I get upset all over again and take it out on everyone. I'll be mad for nothing at all and have a attitude with everyone for no reason.

Answer (from Gayle WeillSpecializing in relationships and parenting - additional certifications in Child-parent psychotherapy, Circle of Security-Parenting program, adoption competency, hypnosis, and EMDR):
It sounds like you have had difficulty in processing what happened to you in the past and because of that difficulty in moving past what happened to you, when you are reminded of what happened you get angry all over again. Please know that it IS possible to remember what happened but to also not have the same emotional response. It is very common to have difficulty processing a traumatic situation that occurred in the past. Many people go through this. A good therapy designed to assist with this type of issue is EMDR. Try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR to help you with processing these memories so that you don’t have the same emotional response every time you think about what happened. Best of luck to you!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: What are the skills needed by a counselor?
What are the basic skills a good counselor needs to have?

Answer (from Dr. Timothy Paul'man'; Online - "Natural Health Consultant and Coach"):
1) An awareness of their own incompetence and inexperience with events in your life;2) An awareness of how the body, mind, emotions, spirit, and others all intertwine and activate one another;3) How to work to use these connections to have you improve your experience...Oh yeah, and there's some listening in there, as well :)
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I be less insecure and needy with my girlfriend?
I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there!  Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?
I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Is really difficult to tell whether he honestly forgot about someone or whether he was really lying again.I don't know whether he would be open to having a discussion with you about your concerns about this and whether you would be actually willing to listen to your thoughts about it.This might be something to discuss with a local therapist so that you can look at the patterns of lying in the past as well as whether you have a way to discuss this with your husband in the way that you would feel comfortable feeling vulnerable with your own feelings and also listening to what his responses are.This is difficult because I imagine you have a react very quickly and strongly to things like this because of what has happened in the past between you. All of this make sense. Having said that, there is also a question of whether he is telling the truth in this particular case and your reaction is based on past events.There's no easy way to know.If you do decide to have a discussion with your husband about it,  consider these things:Ask if this is a good time to have a conversation about something that is important to youMaybe you will be able to listen and ask questions about what came up for him (emotionally) when he realized that he didn't tell you about this other personMaybe he would be willing to listen to what you are thinking about if you are both able to do so without blaming, pointing fingers, or asking the other person to change. This would just be an exchange of information. Ideally this part of the competition would not be about you saying he did something wrong, but just expressing how you felt when you heard about itIt may be helpful to discuss these things with a therapist first so you have some coping skills for being able to listen to him without being overly defensive and also expressing your feelings without blaming, both of which would be very natural in this situation.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality?
I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are.  One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around?  Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps.  This may not be a part of your life you can share with them.  We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case.  Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace.  You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically!   If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it.  You do not have to live your life for others.  Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community.  Stay Safe,  and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
Wait what?  Normal teenage experiences.   A pedophile is someone that is attracted to children meaning under your age category.   This is regarding mostly adults that are over age of 18.   You are only one year apart.  Try and focus on friendship and work on keeping yourself busy in activities so that you are not having these type of thoughts.  Direct this energy into a more productive activity like sports, reading, biking, exercising or something other than negative thought patterns.  Don't attract what isn't supposed to be part of your life.  good luck.
Topic: spirituality

Question: I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion
I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?

Answer (from Christina McGrath Fair"Enlightenment is when a wave realizes it is the ocean." -Thich Nhat Hanh):
It is really important for you to be comfortable with your identity. With that said, it is also so important for you to be safe. It may be helpful for you to find supports (in your life, community, or online) that you can talk about how you feel and potentially gain supportive persons if your family does not accept you. It will be really important to connect with others and even a counselor to help you.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Is it wrong to cheat on my husband?
We don't have sex a lot. I cheat when we argue. I don't kiss or have unprotected sex with them. It's a one time thing, and I never see them twice.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. The question about
whether or not to cheat is based on personal values that can only be answered
by you. However, here are a few things to consider and questions to ask
yourself to help you find your answer:
1.    
Do you feel like you are violating your own
values or morals? This is important, because we all have different values and
morals surrounding sex, love, and monogamy. If you value monogamous
relationships and find yourself cheating on your partner, then you may feel
like you are living in contradiction to your values, and most people are not
happy when they do that. However, if monogamy is not something you value, then
perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the relationship and determine if it is still
right for you. Not all people want monogamous relationships, and that
is alright. Finally, if you value your husband’s feelings and know that the
affairs would hurt him, then your behaviors may again be in contrast to your
own values. That can only be determined by you. 
2.      Based on how you describe your relationship, it
sounds like you are not very satisfied with the way it is.  From the outside, it looks like the affairs
are a way to “get even” with your husband or to feel better after an argument. This
is something that can happen when mutual respect starts to fade in a
relationship and gets replaced with contempt. We can simply stop caring about
how our actions hurt each other, or potentially hurt each other. Perhaps the
question to ask here is, when you look out toward the future with your husband,
is this the pattern that you want to keep? The pattern of very little sex,
argument, and then satisfying the pain or dissatisfaction with affairs. 
 3.      What are your goals for this relationship? If we
start to become disconnected in a relationship, we can begin to do things on
autopilot. Get up, get the kids up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. None
of which requires any intimacy at all. Are you still able to see the hopes and
dreams you once had for this relationship?
 4.     
Have you considered seeking marital counseling? Not
having affairs won’t actually fix the part of the relationship that is leading
you to have them. If there is something broken, it sometimes requires some help
to get it fixed. 
 Hopefully these questions and thoughts will help you come to
some kind of conclusion about what is right for you and your relationship. I certainly
wish you well. 
 Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC