thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Well, it's generally okay to feel anxious or nervous about going into therapy, particularly in the beginning because the process of being open about what you are going through, much less to someone who you don't know well, can be anxiety-producing. It's also common to feel anxious when you are discussing something that is important, difficult to discuss, or you are making changes that are very difficult for you.The most important thing I can tell you, though, is to discuss with your therapist this idea that you feel nervous and shaky. Some anxiety can actually help to motivate or lead you toward change. There are also level of anxiety that can be counterproductive, so it's a good thing to discuss. Personally, I can tell you that I would want my clients to tell me about anxiety they feel 100% of the time. That opens the dialog to discuss whether it is the level of anxiety that they want to sit with and learn about in discovering more about themselves and their experiences and/or whether they would like to do something to lessen the feeling of anxiety.Thanks for writing here. If it caused anxiety for you to do so, I hope that feeling is diminishing for you, at least related to writing here.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My long-distance boyfriend has started to pull away from me—what can I do?
He told me he started to back away because I was asking for too much in the relationship. The more I tried to fix things, the worse it got. I want to make us better again, but I don't know how.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Have you asked your boyfriend directly this question?It is a good question and possibly would open a necessary clarifying discussion as to what each of you expects from the other.
Topic: parenting

Question: I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter
There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat.    She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
   I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

Answer (from Ian Palombo#ThoughtMediator & #LifeUntangler):
It can be difficult to find ways to talk to your children, or to get them to talk to you. Although it's difficult, it's not impossible; read on to find out how to get your adult child to talk to you.Learn to ListenTake the time to listen to them when they want to talk. Instead of saying you'll talk to them later, step away from what you're doing and listen to what they have to say. Don't talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen. Put Yourself in Their ShoesAs you listen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen's shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.Watch for SignsEveryone has a desire to be heard and understood. Mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they're not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they're nodding and/or silent, you'll know you've understood.Ask Specific QuestionsAsk specific questions rather than general "how was your day?" questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask open ended questions such as, "What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?"Location, Location, LocationWhen and where you try to talk to your kid matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after work. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It's casual, and there's no pressure for eye contact. [wpforms id="60"]
Topic: depression

Question: How do I get back on my feet while going through a bad divorce?
I am going through a divorce. He is extremely angry. He refuses to physically assist me with our teenager daughter. I have no extended family support. Often times, I feel overwhelmed, tired, and joyless. I feel out of control, sad and depressed on a daily basis. I am just going through the motions of life every day. I am in my mid-50s. I have almost 29 years on my job. How can I handle this?

Answer (from Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!):
You are in the midst of a really hard time and it sounds like you have no help at all.  Search out a local support group through community counseling type centers.  If you can't find a group, at least get in to see a therapist who can help you manage stress and upset better.  Your sadness, depression and out-of-control feelings don't mean there is something wrong with you - they just mean that your circumstances are too big for your current resources to handle, so get some help. Take care of YOU and you'll be able to get through this.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer (from Kim HollingdaleMind-Body Approaches to Stress, Depression & Anxiety):
Sometimes its quite literally the lack of sunshine that can affect our mood - in these cases it can be worth experimenting with a sun lamp, to boost your dose of vitamin D, when the sun isn't naturally out. Also consider, what is it that the change in weather, changes in your life? If for example, when its sunny you are an outdoorsy, active person and when the weather changes, you're whole activity level changes along with it, you could explore how to get some of that activity replicated indoors in the winter months.
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I choose between two guys?
I have been with a guy for 4 years, he's a great guy and we also have a son together. The problem is that I'm in love with a guy that I've been talking to for about 2 years but I've never met him in person. Honestly I'm bored with the relationship I have with the first guy and he makes want to go after the second guy, I don't know how to tell him that. What should I do?

Answer (from Keisha HelmsMS Counseling Psychology):
Hi there. Wow, this sounds like a sticky situation; however, I’m here to help guide you through this decision. First and foremost, you must ask yourself, if you ever loved your sons’ father or was it a situation to where you two got pregnant and stayed together for the child. It’s very common to stay with your partner when a child is involved regardless, if love is involved or not because “it’s the right thing to do.” Right? Well, not entirely. Although, staying with your partner because you have a child together may seem right, in fact, it hurts the child in the long run. If you are not love with your partner, you will show distance, unhappiness, sadness, possibility of frequent arguments and cheating. When a child grows up in the home and witnesses these types of emotions & behaviors it is unhealthy as he/she will expect their own relationships to be such. As a responsible adult, you are supposed to be there to shape and model the future for your child. Just remember, what you do, your child will model. Secondly, do not sell yourself short from love. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have someone to share their love and intimacy with. However, being in love with someone you have never seen before can be very risky. Honestly, that sounds like lust and the longing of love. Humans have needs and when people are unhappy in their current relationship, they often seek out what they need. If you decide to pursue the second relationship, I would suggest setting up an outing with a friend or two in order to get to know this person as there are a lot of scammers these days. Finally, I am not convinced that this has anything to do with choosing between two guys. This seems as if you are making a decision to end the relationship with your child’s father or not. You should ask yourself, if you were in love with your child’s father first off. If you were, you would have never sought after love. I hope this was helpful for you and I hope I was able to shed a different light on your situation. Take care of yourself!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: I lie to my mom about my relationship
I use to be so happy. No matter what, I always was happy. I got into a relationship with this guy. I love him so much. We’re both teenagers. The week after his birthday, my mom made me stop talking to him. It broke me. He came to my house and talked to her, and she let us date again but not see each other. He comes up to my school every day and it tears me apart that I have to lie to her.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Los Angeles, I can tell you have a moral backbone because it's hurting you to lie to your mom. I always say that a little bit of guilt is healthy because it teaches us who we want to be. Listen to that voice. You don't have to lie to your mom to get what you want.Now, you don't say how old you are, so part of my answer is going to be a bit vague. There's a big difference between being thirteen and your mom telling you what to do and being nineteen and your mom telling you what to do. The thing is that moms and dads start out making all your decisions for you when you're small, and they're supposed to, very gradually, give that control over to you. Different parents do this at different speeds, but in general you have to earn that freedom and trust...it's not just gonna be handed over to you. You might not like this part...your parent has the right to make the rules. My guess is there's a reason why mom is holding you back. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, breaking her rules isn't going to get you what you want...which is freedom, right? I guarantee you that mom wants you to eventually earn freedom...but she's not supposed to give it to you until you're ready because her first job is to keep you safe. I like that your mom has limits for you. Too many parents are sort of looking the other way, busy with their own thing. Whether you know it or not, you need protection like all kids do (appropriate for your age, of course).It sounds like what you want to say to your mom is "I want to make my own decisions about who I spend time with". That's a normal wish, and I encourage you to say that to her. Depending on your age and whether you've earned it, she might listen. So, you're sending her that message that you want to send, but you're doing it in a sneaky way, and that's not going to go well when she finds out. It's called "passive aggressive" when you say something with a sneaky behaviour rather than with words. It's not a very healthy way of sending a message, because people feel disrespected. My guess is that your best bet is to be honest with mom, stop the sneaking around and come up with a detailed plan of how you're going to earn your freedom...eventually. She might listen to that.
Topic: trauma

Question: Could a car accident add more problems to my posttraumatic stress disorder?
I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?

Answer (from Christopher SmithPresident and Clinical Director, Seeking Shalom):
A car accident can be a traumatic event. Especially,  if it was serious, you could have feared for your life, felt everythingvwas out of control and had normal reactions to an abnormal situation afterwards. This may or may not be related to the traumas that you experienced in the military. If it is then it is possible that you will see a direct effect in triggering off PTSD symptoms. Even if it didn't, it is possible that the complexity of the two situations will interact inside you to be a combined response. Having already been diagnosed with PTSD, this might be a good time to reconnect with the help system you had around military experiences and explore it a little bit about the new experience. The right exploration does not have to make things worse and can be a good source of prevention.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get over my heartbreak?
A year ago, the love of my life left me and never looked back. Our son was two months old at the time and it broke my heart. I miss her so much and can't seem to get over being so heartbroken.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Who takes care of your son, is a significant part of getting over your heartbreak.If you made reasonable custody terms re your son then the relationship heartache is much easier to recover from than if your son’s mother vanished from his life, or if the mother wants nothing to do w him.Re the actual relationship, let yourself feel sad and hurt since this is the truth.Usually life gradually fills in new people, including a relationship once you feel strong enough from having endured such sadness and loss.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
If you feel like you're too much, you need someone who doesn't feel like you are. Guess what?? That's what therapists are for. You are not too much! You don't have too much to work on! You are on the right platform! We are all here to help. Find someone and schedule a session. EMDR/Brainspotting for trauma, anxiety and low-self esteem issues, etc. LENS (Low Energy Neurofeedback System) for the insomnia, or you could do a sleep study to see why you can't sleep. Hope this helps!
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Recognize your reason for continuing to work for this place.Sometimes "overworked and underpaid" is tolerable bc of the valuable learning which the person will take with them when they've decided the time has come for these lessons to end.Or, are you in this place bc it is an easy commute to your home or fits well with other parts of your life such as education or some health related program?As long as you have a good reason to be there, you will feel there is good purpose.If there is no good purpose and every day you wake up to work for a place you can't stand, then its time to look for a new position.
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?
Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Ultimately it is only your partner who can decide whether to stop name calling or not.I would take very seriously that she doesn't show any willingness to hear and understand your point of view.In a relationship in which one person claims the right to verbally abuse the other, there isn't much genuine care and trust going on at all.It is never safe to open your heart to her since you can't tell in advance if you'll be treated with kindness or bashing.Think seriously how possible it is for you to enjoy your relationship if your partner is unwilling to accommodate your feelings.If the two of you are unable to agree on terms or discuss the problem as a mutual one, not just your problem, then you may wish to withdraw from the relationship.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How can I get my ex-girlfriend back?
She said she needed space after three days of dating, and she got a boyfriend a week later. I still really miss her, and she told me she still likes me.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Given the short amount of time you know this girlfriend, there is no history on which to make a judgment about the likelihood of what she will do next.Certainly she is confusing by telling you she likes you and is with someone new.  And not giving you any explanation as to why she made her decision.I'd suggest two possibilities.Speak with her and ask her if she considers opening your relationship with her.Or, simply wait and see what she does when you contact her in a friendly way.Pay attention to your own satisfaction level.If you get more answers from her which aren't agreeable with you, then it is time to put the hope for this relationship behind you.Then you'll have clear space to find someone who is as interested in you as you are in them!
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: I just lost my grandpa
I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Answer (from Angela TopcuPsychotherapist, specializing in Grief, Anxiety and Self-Esteem):
Hello,I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your grandpa. My suggestion would be to look into community mental health agencies in your area. Sometimes they can offer low-fee counseling. You can also check the hospitals in your area because they may offer free or low-fee bereavement support groups, which can be very helpful. Lastly, you may want to look into reading some books about grief as they can help you understand the general effects of grief and feel comforted that you are not alone. Lastly, some therapists offer sliding scale, or reduced fee so it doesn't hurt to call some local therapists to see if they offer could offer a very low-fee. I hope this helps! Please take good care of yourself. Grief is so difficult but please know the pain will ease up over time. Warmly,Angela Topcu, MFT
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Susan Resnik, M.Ed, LMHCOxford Counseling Services):
You will know you have the right therapist when you feel at ease and comfortable to share deep feelings.You do not hold back and feel total acceptance and validation by your therapist. Listen to your feelings and letthem guide your decision.Your therapist and you will work together to decide what is best for you with regards to the type of treatment, frequency andduration. It is about collaborating and deciding together on the treatment plan that will help you to achieve your counseling goals.
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I get my girlfriend back?
My girlfriend broke up with me five months ago because I said awful things to her one night for no reason of hers. I have been trying to get her back, but it isn’t easy. She is in her 50s and I am in my 40s. She is the one I want for my life, and this is killing me. Every day, I cry, and I am desperate for help.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
New York, what would it mean about you if you got her back? Is that the only way you can like or forgive yourself...if she forgives you and takes you back? Your self respect doesn't need to rely on this working with her. She simply doesn't want to be with you, and every day that you refuse to honour her decision is another day that you hurt her all over again. Move on and heal, perhaps with the help of a therapist.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer (from Tracy Howland):
It is absolutely a typical response.  Many of my clients are nervous the first couple of times we meet.  This is essentially a stranger with whom you are sharing your feelings.
Topic: relationships

Question: Should I be with the man who is good for me and my children or the man I love?
I met the first man five months ago. I have come a long way and do have feelings for him. I know he would do anything for me and my kids. The man I love is their father, and no matter how many times things haven't been great in the past, I can't help but love him. I know they both love me, and I love both of them.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
The answer depends entirely on which interest is stronger for you.If the reliable caretaker man is not someone with whom you'd have fun, lively conversations, understand each other, be sexually compatible, or romantically attracted, and your primary interest is in someone who' steadily manage the kids, household, and finances, then he is the right one for you!The problem is you may not be happy longterm with someone to whom you feel no romantic compatibility. Consider the drawback if you reach the moment of restlessness romantically and are with someone on whom you depend to take care of your kids.Since you have feelings for him, then wait several months longer to see whether or not you can imagine yourself romantically happy with the steady guy.If the other guy who is also the bio dad, isn't involved with his own kids, then he seems like a poor choice of someone to be with longterm.