thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I deal with the break off of my engagement?
I got engaged, and everything was going well. Things went downhill at some point, and I broke off the engagement due to an opportunity to go to college. After that, I found out she had been cheating on me. I think about her all the time now, and we have been communicating on and off, but my friends/family don't know.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Somehow you knew the marriage wouldn't have a good start if your fiancé was cheating on you.Congrats on your intuition and following your intuition.An engagement breakup is full of disappointment and sometimes talking about the particular points help the couple to clarify and possibly set the relationship on new terms or feel more confident in the breakup.I suggest you identify what topics re the relationship you'd like to clear up with your ex.If both of you are having touch and go conversation which doesn't address the deeper and more troubled areas which led to the cheating and breakup, there is a chance you both will go down a similar road of casual and light conversation which hits the wall of the deeper obstacles between both of you.Your friends and family don't need to know anything until you feel ready to tell them what you decide to tell them.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I always feel the need to tell people everything
Whenever I don't tell my friends or anyone what I did or stuff that's not really important, I feel terrible, like there’s a hole in my stomach. It only goes away when I hurt myself.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Kansas, I feel strongly that the help of a professional therapist is important here. Feelings are never wrong, but it can help to understand where they come from and talk to someone who can teach you healthy ways to cope. Self-harm is not the answer to managing those emotions you feel in your stomach. Although I'm glad you said something here, a professional would need to spend some time with you and get a deep understanding of your life in order to help you sort all these reactions out effectively. I hope you reach out to someone soon.
Topic: depression

Question: I have voices in my head
They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having."Crazy" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I get over my fear of public embarrassment?
A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Why not accept and tolerate that you naturally are a shy person who doesn't like large groups?This is not necessarily something to get over if it is part of who you are.People have the capacity to judge others regardless of whether the group is large or small.If you aren't afraid of being judged in small groups then study the factors which allow you to feel safe in small groups. Possibly you can generalize your findings to large group venues.If you try the and aren't successful, then likely you simply aren't naturally someone who cares for large group settings.Not everything a person doesn't like is a symptom of something is wrong w the person!
Topic: sleep-improvement

Question: Why am I dreaming so much?
Sometimes 3 times a night.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Dreams are our chance to make sense of our waking lives.If you've got a lot going on in your life then your dreams are your assistants in understanding these happenings and dynamics.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
The short answer is: absolutely not! The longer answer is that it might take some time to process all of the issues, and it may feel quite "muddy" in the issues for a lot longer than is tolerable (which is why counseling may have been postponed to begin with for you.) It's important to be realistic when entering counseling of any sort, and that the therapist be realistic with you about what you might be able to expect working with that person (I use the words "might be able to expect" because therapy experiences can vary.) But that not having counseling about trauma that you have experienced much earlier in your life can play a significant role in the process and how long that process could take to unpack all that may have been buried over time.It might also be helpful in counseling to work with the therapist on figuring out where to begin, but to also manage the feelings of being overwhelmed that may make it hard to continue to show up and do the work required, week in and week out. It isn't easy work trying to process past pain that you experienced, and so consistent practice of self-care, including leaning on support systems outside of therapy, is key.
Topic: marriage

Question: Why am I with my husband if he is mean?
I love him, but he doesn’t show me love. He talks badly about me to his friends.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. Loving someone who
doesn’t respect or treat you well can be enormously difficult and painful. 
Many people who find themselves in an emotionally hurtful
relationship say that it was wonderful when it first started, but that over
time their partner’s behaviors changed and they became emotionally or
physically abusive. 
I want to say right away that it is not your fault in any
way if someone is abusive to you. It does not mean that you are broken or that there
is something wrong with your character if you have not left the situation.
People stay for many reasons, such as fear, finances, children, pressure from
others, and love. 
Many people have had to leave their abusive partners who
they still love to preserve their own safety and regain the sense of self they
may have lost. It is a very difficult thing to do, even if you know it is the
right thing. 
The person who really needs to take a hard look at
themselves is the person doing the abusing.
It is very common for mental and emotional abuse to wear
away at someone’s self-esteem. This can lead to other problems, like depression
and anxiety. These issues sometimes require professional support to manage,
such as a counselor or perhaps a doctor who may prescribe medication. 
A counselor may be able to help you sort through your fears
and concerns about staying or leaving. To look at things from different angles,
and to help you decide what is best for you. 
You have not said that your husband has been physically abusive
to you, but if that has been the case, then you must consider your physical
safety first. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time.
Getting help from professionals would be critical, and I would recommend your
local domestic violence program. 
Whatever you decide to do is the right thing for you. I
would encourage you to ask yourself honestly about your reasons for staying and
the barriers that may keep you from going. You do deserve to be happy and
emotionally safe. If you do not feel like you have that safety, then seeking
someone to help you sort through these things is a good plan. 
I wish you well.
Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
Hmm... so, what part about this do you want him to take seriously? That you're depressed and you want him to acknowledge it or that you want help for it? One way to help him to "take you seriously" is to take yourself seriously. Maybe actively working on the depression will show him that you are really depressed and it's not because you want to be or if it is, it is a mental health disorder, and it is serious. I would start focusing on you. Focus on what you want to see in yourself and make it happen. With depression, it is difficult to do for yourself, that's why there are therapists out here to help make that load lighter. I would talk to someone to come up with a plan to focus on yourself and then your husband if he doesn't get there on his own. So the first step is to reach out to a therapist to help you to come up with a better plan, or put all of the great answers you get together and implement them. If that isn't enough, then make the first step by calling a therapist to set up an intake and that first appointment to continue your efforts. Hope this helps!
Topic: depression

Question: How do I not get depressed if my boyfriend doesn't want me anymore?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Feeling somewhat depressed for a little while from being rejected by a partner, actually is reasonable.Before feeling balanced in your life without this partner, its first necessary to recognize the "before and after" picture of how you felt with this partner.Knowing what is no longer part of your life shows you that what is surviving and eventually thriving, is your own life.Notice and appreciate yourself as you go about daily living. It is a way of offering loving recognition of your identity and who you are.Loving, taking care, and giving self-kindness, will feel much better than feeling sad being without someone who rejected you in the first place.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: Why can't I stop crying?
My grandma and brother both passed away 11 years ago and sometimes at night I just can't stop crying while thinking about the good memories we had but won't have ever again. I can't sleep at night when the memories and tears come I'll be fine all day then at night...boom! it's like waterfalls from my eyes. Why can't I stop crying?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Because you're sad and miss the relationship you had w grandma and your brother.The academic point that grief takes a different length of time to lift for each person, is true.Also, from a spiritual perspective, your grandma and brother are still here in loving relation to you, just not in physical body.  Pay attention if you have a sense of talking to them within your mind.  This may lessen your feeling of loss.When you're done crying about missing them, your grief will simply disappear on its own!  It cannot be forced to leave.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Ronica ClarkYou have questions I'm willing to try to give an answer):
It's normal many times we are not able to cry in our day to day. When you are able to open up the tears come to.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Jenny StevensResident in Counseling at Sunstone Counseling):
Finding the right therapist is a crucial part of the therapy process-- and one that can be intimidating or daunting despite increasing ease of access to individual therapist profile matching services. The right therapist will allow you the space to give them feedback on how you are most comfortable with the counseling process as well as adhere to the right pace of sessions and disclosure that feels most comfortable to you.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Should I break up with my live-in girlfriend?
I'm a male in my 20s. My girlfriend is in her late 30s. She's great. She's funny and smart, she has a big heart, and we have an excellent sex life. She recently moved in with me partially because she wanted to and partially because she had no place to go. We fight a lot. It’s mostly my fault, I must admit. She doesn't like my insecurity and lack of trust I have for her. I have trust issues. Also, I can't fathom why a woman like her is with me, so I'm always dreading when a better dude will come along. I don't think she's happy. She's very submissive and she loves me very much, but also the fact that she has nowhere to go must be influencing her decision to stay. I love her so much, but my jealousy is not likely to diminish. I never believed in the whole "If you love them, let them go," but I do now. I really want her to be happy. Should I end it with her? She has no place to go so I feel like I can’t break up with her. I’m literally trapped.

Answer (from Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH):
Hi Fort Worth,  I applaud your awareness and insight into the relationship.  Most of us come into relationships carrying old baggage and although you can't change her,  what you can do, is change yourself.  We can usually begin to understand ourselves better in the context of our own upbringings.  That is where we learn what a relationship looks like and it is often not the best teacher.  I wonder about your jealously, insecurity, feeling trapped and a lack of trust.  Has that ever showed up anywhere before?  It has more to do with you and less to do with her.   Your relationship with her is tapping into unresolved issues within yourself.  That is really where you want to focus. Once you understand it and resolve it, you will no longer need to ask anyone else what to do, because you will know.  You are young and just getting started in the relationship world and the healthier you are, the better you will know what healthy looks like.   Know yourself, understand yourself and love yourself.  The rest will take care of itself.  Finding a Therapist can be a big help in this process.  You are asking the question, so I suspect you are ready to look at the man in the mirror.  I believe in you and am wishing you all the best.Sandra Cooper, RN, LPCMH
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How to get over somebody?
Our relationship ended about 7 years ago, but don't know how to let go. How can I get over that person and move on?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
What about this person do you miss most?  What part of those things can you self-generate, give those things to yourself.  Work thru the grief of losing this relationship.   Perhaps review this video and see what comes up.  Also, reviewing your feelings around scarcity- are they the only person who can be a healthy partner to you? When thoughts of them come up, redirect your thoughts versus letting thoughts of them consume your life.  Some have found support in engaging in acupuncture and emotional freedom technique (EFT) also building up your feelings of self-worth, and self-love outside of them and your former relationship. Evicting someone living in your head rent-free
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop?
I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
   I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction?

Answer (from Richie (Yerachmiel) DonowitzExperienced - Compassionate- Measurable Results):
Hopefully you feel you have the time to follow this procedure.1. For a week - log when you smoke - time, place and activity2. Plan on cutting back 10% for a week.Cut out the easiest times.3.Next change the times and and activities for 3 days - consider water or candy or gum if it is very tough. 4. Cut another 10% each week until you are done.
Topic: depression

Question: How do I find out the cause of my depression and anxiety?
I have been feeling more and more down for over a month. I have started having trouble sleeping due to panic attacks, but they are almost never triggered by something that I know of.

Answer (from Nicole StoneAnxiety, relationship crisis, and the separation/divorce experience.):
It could be really helpful to see a counselor/therapist about your increasing depression/panic symptoms. Finding out the cause of depression/anxiety isn't always as straightforward as it seems, since both issues tend to become patterns we engage in rather than solely related to a specific trigger/reason. For example, if I am feeling down about a particular circumstance in my life, then I start seeing life through this lens of feeling down, and typically I'll start to see a lot more that I get down about, and it can really build very quickly on itself. Same with anxiety. Obviously, this is a very simplified example and it can be very difficult to see how the pattern is maintained, but that's where working with a counselor/therapist comes in. I would be curious about whether you can start to notice the initial sensations of panic, and if you can (through the panic attack) continue to maintain awareness of the actual physical sensations. Even better if you can talk yourself through the sensations you're feeling - such as saying to yourself "Okay, I'm breathing really rapidly, and my heart is racing, now my palms are sweaty and my chest is feeling really tight..." Reminding yourself that it's just your body's reaction to stress, and while it might be overreacting right now, you're okay and eventually it will go away. I highly recommend the SAM for Anxiety Management app for the anxiety piece, and I wouldn't be surprised if addressing the anxiety helped to address some of the depression too.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Did I make a mistake breaking up with a guy who said his ex-girlfriend will always be on his mind?
He was in love with someone years ago, and he still thinks about her time to time. He said, and I quote, "That relationship is definitely over. I love you, but that girl will always be in my mind." It just didn't feel like he appreciated all the things I've done to make him happy.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Trust your intuition on your conclusion about this guy.He may very well love you, only with the ex so prominent in his mind, it is possible your feeling of not being appreciated now, would multiply if ever the two of you needed to address a delicate topic.Since he is emotionally attached to the former gf, it is very likely he wouldn't be able to fully love you as much as you'd like and are already sensing.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My friend had lied about every aspect of her life—what do I do?
She has lied about every aspect of her life. She's created three fake relationships. The most recent one is concerning because she has fake photos, phone calls, and text messages, and it’s with a married man with kids. Her lying is becoming dangerous because she could ruin lives.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
To be honest, I think more information would be really important here because what you are asking could have a lot of different meanings. Consider making an appointment with a local therapist to discuss what you are going through.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: Should I talk honestly to my brother about his girlfriend, risking our own relationship?
My older brother (in his 60s) started dating a lady with Asperger's. She is hyper-sexual and flirty. She does not understand boundaries. They’ve been dating for a few months, and she's talking marriage. Another sibling and his wife have met her, and they have said she is never invited back. My brother always picks similar ladies. Do we speak honestly and risk losing a relationship?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
If you and your brother are open w each other and respect each other’s opinions then there is little risk your relationship with him will end.If there already is strong animosity, mistrust, dislike between both of you then there is more chance he will not seriously consider your advice.For your own peace of mind, say whatever you feel must be said to him.The person you’ll need to live with is yourself so do what you believe is needed for you to feel good about saying what’s necessary.Even if he never follows through with your advice then you’ll still know you tried your best to advise.
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue?
I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Moore, Underneath all your anger is a lot of hurt. The hurt is there because you are being disrespected. Your boyfriend (unless you've only told me a small, disproportionate part of the bigger picture) doesn't tend to treat you like you're important and he dismisses your emotions. This is happening because this is the level of ability (disability?) he has right now in a relationship. You can expect more of this behaviour (because that's who he is; it has nothing to do with you), and I hope you think carefully about whether it's working for you to be in this. You could try telling him that you are hurt, because people tend to listen more to hurt than to anger, but my guess is with him it might not make a difference. I hope you talk to someone who knows and supports you about how you're feeling in this relationship.