thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: anger-management

Question: How do I deal with anger problems towards my mom

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
Anger is a natural and healthy emotion, however, it can be difficult to deal with if it becomes overwhelming and depending on what we have been taught about it and how to express it. A competent therapist may be able to help you figure out ways to relate to your anger and your mother that will feel right to you.
Topic: depression

Question: Relationships cause me anxiety and nausea
I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it’s an emotional nightmare I can’t get to the bottom of. I’ve had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship?
   While I’m not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don’t take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I’ve talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... "semi-relationship". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a "hook-up" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence.
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I end an unhealthy relationship?
My boyfriend and I have a toxic relationship due to his emotional and verbal abuse but he makes me feel like I could never find someone better, and that I can't be happy without him.
   How do I get away from this relationship?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm glad you recognize your own best interest and that your life will be much better without verbal and emotional abuse.One of the terrible results of being abused in a relationship which is expected to be loving, safe and supportive, is that the one who is being abused, starts to question their own judgement, rights, opinions, overall way of thinking.This happens because partners who are intimately involved with one another are very meaningful.  Regardless of how irrational, wrong, mean, selfish, intimidating, thoughtless, a partner is to the other, the person on the receiving side gradually starts questioning whether they are wrong for not accepting these sorts of interactions.Stick with what your own intuition tells you.There is a part within each of us which knows the truth of what is going on.Leaving a relationship is always difficult to some degree.  People are in familiar patterns of daily behavior, no one wants to suddenly "be alone", even if this only means showing up as a physical body, not as a truly loving partner, no one wants to start telling others about a breakup, answer questions about it, feel blamed, worry what others think.These are secondary matters to following the truth in your own heart.Listen to yourself about leaving this guy. Your inner self does not lie to you.
Topic: parenting

Question: What do I do if my 7 year old says she want to kill herself?
My daughter was overly tired and throwing a fit at her grandparent's house. She wanted to come home at midnight and cried screamed said she said she hated her grandma and that she wanted to kill herself!
    We also have a new baby in the house i didn't know if this would contribute to this. How should I approach this?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
You wrote a very full family context w many directions to examine.Do you know or can you find out what the grandma and your daughter were doing in the evening of the screaming episode?Is it possible the grandma abuses your daughter, or tells her scary stories, watches scary movies.  These are only suggestions of some problem between grandma and your daughter.Also, ask your daughter directly why she wants to kill herself and what' killing herself" means.   Seven year olds don't have a concept of death being a forever condition.  Seven year olds don't have a sense of future meaning besides liking/disliking them.   Maybe the new baby is a factor.  Do you feel this is a factor?   Trust your intuition to tell you if your daughter is resentful of your new baby.Even if she is, I doubt a seven year old has the capacity to connect current unhappiness with the intention of a future action, including suicide.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I open up to someone?
Ever since my ex-boyfriend and I broke up, I can't seem to get close to anyone else. I know I'm completely over him, but I just can't break down my walls and let someone new into my life.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Bend, You're scared, right? That makes sense. Each time we have a break-up we are a bit more in touch with how much is at stake in this whole love and relationship business. We are falling in love and letting someone close to our hearts and there's a vulnerability in that; we can get hurt. Who you partner with long-term is a big decision and it determines 90% of our happiness in life. The good news is that when we're just starting to get to know someone, we can take it slow. I think maybe you are slowing yourself down instinctively here, and that's okay. We are naturally people of attachment and it won't likely last if you are normally an open and accessible person who doesn't put up walls. So part of what I want to say here is don't pressure yourself too much. Take the time to heal naturally and listen to your instinct that is telling you to take things slow. :)As well, there are a few things you can do to make sure that the walls do eventually come down, or will come down for the right person. First, think about the lessons you learned from this past relationship. What do you feel proud of? What do you need in a partner? What mistakes did you make? Use this experience to grow in your awareness of how you work in a relationship and what you need from a partner.Look at your thoughts. Are you having generalized negative thoughts like "No one will ever love me again?", or "I'm going to get hurt again", or "I can't trust myself"? If so, write down what these thoughts are, and then ask yourself what evidence supports these thoughts. Fear tries to convince us that there is either something wrong with us or that something bad will happen, but it does so with little or no evidence of this ever happening!! It sells us a line based on no concrete evidence. Then ask yourself what evidence supports the opposite thought. What is the evidence that I am lovable... that there are safe, good people out there... that I can trust myself? Eliminate the negative thoughts, and add the positive ones. It's simple but very powerful.Lastly, take concrete and careful steps to act as though there are no walls. What is the evidence of the walls? Can you take purposeful baby steps in the direction of lowering those walls? When we act as though something is true, we start to feel it and believe it more.I hope you will find yourself back on track eventually, with time. :)
Topic: depression

Question: How can I bring up my possible depression to my parents?
I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.

Answer (from Traci LowenthalLGBTQAffirmative Therapist ):
I am so sorry you are struggling!  I do think it's a good idea to share your feelings with your parents and perhaps get some help connecting with a counselor or therapist if you feel that might help.  There are lots of ways to tell them, depending on your relationship.  Maybe saying "I wanted to tell you guys something.. sometimes I worry that I might be depressed." Or, some folks will write a letter, or even send a text.  The most important thing is that you tell someone you trust so you don't feel so miserable. I hope this helps.  Best of luck.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I have difficulty with communication
I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
I wanted to share these two short books (see below). You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression,  being heard.  Communication Crunch High Impact Communication
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Kaleb Thorshov):
There is no such thing as a therapist that is "right" for someone. Outside of getting a "bad" therapist who shouldn't be in the industry almost any counselor should be able to make the appropriate choices. Remember counseling is a process, you and the therapist work together for the common goal of your mental health. The best way to train them for what you need is to communicate. "What you said last time was really helpful", "I don't think this homework is something I'm ready to commit to". "I like learning more about skills" or "I just have a lot on my mind this session and I really just want to be heard".
Topic: depression

Question: I'm studying abroad, and I'm depressed
I'm supposed to stay here the rest of my academic life, but I've never liked it here, not even before I came. I’ve never felt like I belong, I’ve missed my country every second in the past four months, and I'm just miserable. I'm gaining weight, doing nothing, and crying for hours straight. Is it time to go back home or is it just culture shock?

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
It sounds like you are feeling very unsure and out of place and the prospect of continuing to feel as you do now for the remainder of schooling seems daunting. Without getting to know more about you and your experiences here and at home, it is hard to say what you should do, however, I think exploring these things with a competent therapist may help you to discover the answer.
Topic: marriage

Question: I don't feel a connection to my husband anymore
I'm feeling different towards my husband. I feel I am growing from the relationship. I have been with my husband for six years and married for almost five. I just don't feel that connection anymore. I feel nothing. I don't know why or if I'm just being irrational.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Lacey, I'm SO glad you wrote. Thousands of people are having this same feeling right now. I'm glad you're paying attention to it. When you first meet someone, there are all kinds of sparkly feelings and you both do and say lots of things to cement the attachment and create deep intimacy and connection. Then what happens is because we have that connection established, we instinctively cut back on those loving behaviours because we don't have to work hard to earn their love anymore. That sparkly feeling typically lasts a few years (long enough to procreate and keep the human race going), and then it wears off a bit, and you end up looking at each other thinking "how come I don't feel the same anymore?"Mostly (not always, and I'll get to that in a minute) all that this means is you've stopped doing all those loving things you used to do! It's as though you filled the car with gas, you've run out of gas now, and you're forgetting to put more in!The first clear solution to this feeling is to bring back more of your own loving behaviours that you've cut back on. Act lovingly, and you will likely regain those feelings. Talk to your partner about this. It's okay to say "do you remember we used to do X,Y and Z? Can we do that again? Can I get more of the foot rubs you used to give me?" Ask for what you want (instead of complaining). What are your 'love languages'? What are your partner's? Marriages need to be fed. It's that simple. Many things get in the way...children, jobs, but mostly complacency. Get active with your love!Okay, now, you might read this and think "that's not what's happening". That's a cue to talk to someone, like a therapist, about your feelings. People do grow and change and sometimes relationships don't fit anymore. But these are huge decisions, not to be made lightly. I wish you happiness.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: I'm questioning my sexuality
I'm a teenage girl. I don't know if I'm straight, bisexual, or gay. I've been straight all my life, but a sudden rush of questions have come over me, and I don't know anymore.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Brentwood, While our society tends to want to put us into categories...slots...when it comes to sexuality, because this is nice and neat and convenient...many people find that they don't fit perfectly into one or the other. All you have to do is exactly what you're doing; be aware of yourself and allow yourself to explore these thoughts and emotions both alone and in connection with a safe partner. The people who love you will continue to love you as you sort through this. You can resist the temptation to please others by giving yourself a label. We are attracted to, and fall in love with, people...and we can't always predict what gender they might be. I love how open you are to discovering yourself. Keep on that track. :)
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why do I keep letting myself get cheated on?
I've been with the mother of my child for years.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
I would think that you hold little self worth and feel that you are not worthy of better.  I would suggest that you get to know yourself.   What do you NEED in a relationship?  What is holding you to this relationship other than your child?  What have gone on in the relationship that makes you think or feel you deserve such disrespect?  Just a few questions to ask yourself..
Topic: relationships

Question: I am in my mid-40s and am currently mending a broken heart over another failed relationship
I keep getting into relationships with men that are in bad situations. I take them on and help them and do all I can and the relationship still fails. How do I learn to not get in relationships with men in bad situations? I see someone in need of help, I jump in. And it is getting me nowhere. I am alone sad and frustrated.

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
Sounds like you already see what's amiss. You're looking for fix-er-uppers! When you meet these men they need you. And you're filled by fixing them.  And when they are fixed, what do they have to give you? What's your need in relationship? What if you found someone who didn't need fixing?
Topic: marriage

Question: How do I get my husband to listen to me?
I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.    How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Does he know you do not feel heard?      People typically feed off our energy.  You feel you are not being heard and do all the listening and if you want to take massive action towards your being heard,  communicate your needs. He may not know how you feel and regardless your needs are key and seeking the support you need to move forward in a progressive way is essential.  Get the support you need and deserve.Are there others in your life that allow you to feel heard?
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Laura Zane-NwagbaraochaEmpath, Authentic, Therapist, Wife, Mom):
It feels overwhelming right? Like if I have this many issues and I can't deal with them, how can somebody else... yet for a decent therapist, your issues are totally doable. It will take time, therapy is not a magic cure, but if you are patient with yourself, you can move through each of the issues. Some of the issues like the sexual abuse and some of the trauma from being a breast cancer survivor can be dealt with a little more quickly using an eye movement therapy like EMDR or Accelerated Resolution Therapy. Some you are going to have to feel the pain and learn coping strategies. Know that you are not a lost cause and there are people that come in ALL the TIME with just as many issues, if not more. Counseling can initially feel scary, overwhelming and so completely vulnerable, which is exceptionally difficult for sexual abuse survivors. Just know, the hardest part is often taking that first step to get help, and knowing that there is somebody willing and happy to support you as you get emotionally healthier.
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: My therapist betrayed my trust
My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back.
   I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.

Answer (from Meg McKeon):
Therapists, regardless of the discipline (i.e. licensed professional counselor, social worker, psychologist) are expected to put the health and well-being of the client first. Each professional discipline does have a code of ethics as well as a licensing board in each state. In order to get licensed the therapist must agree to abide by the highest standards of conduct including state, local and federal regulations in addition to the code of conduct. You do have the option of reporting this person to the appropriate licencing board in your state. The other concern is if this person has unauthorized access to your credit card. If you did not give it to him or authorize use this becomes a legal matter that you can also report to the legal authorities in your city or town. Therapy and counseling are effective because professionals gain the trust of the client. Betrayal of that trust by crossing boundaries and developing a relationship outside the therapist/client relationship is hurtful. Please know that the vast majority of counselors are highly ethical individuals who put the welfare of the client first.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Jim Ciraky PhD., LPCExpert Anxiety Counselor):
A colleague and I were discussing the characteristics of successful
therapists. I gave him some traits, some of which were listed by
Robinson (2012). The therapist should be able to listen to your story,
build rapport, establish a relationship, demonstrate empathy, adapt
treatments to the client/situation, use effective communication skills,
exhibit confidence in use of therapeutic techniques, and repeatedly
update skills with ongoing education and research.
You should talk with the therapist. In addition to asking the
therapist about his/her experiences and specialty in treating the issue
you want to address; you will gain a sense of the therapist’s ability to
connect with you in your first phone call or meeting with him/her. This
is why I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation. You can use the
above criteria to gauge the therapist’s ability to do the following:
Hear you, join with you in understanding the issue, and indicate some
ways in which the issue may be treated.
I specialize treating anxiety and relationships and would like to
talk with you if you have questions about how I may be able to help you.
Jim
Topic: parenting

Question: My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced
he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?

Answer (from Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!):
The obvious answer is no, it's not okay.  There are other you should be asking though.  You said your fiance "seems afraid" of her ex.  Did you ask her about that?  Is there a reason he still has a key to the  home?  Has there been any discussion of appropriate boundaries?  I work with a lot of people parenting from different households and the stickiest spots are the ones that have not been discussed.  There is obviously conflict there or they wouldn't have split, but your fiance and her ex do need to stay aligned for the kids and that can't happen if she feels fearful or resentful.  If she doesn't have a problem with his barging in, clearly you do (and who wouldn't?  He's not YOUR ex!), so you and she need to have some agreements around his access to the home.  If she is afraid to bring up the discussion then I strongly recommend that she and the ex get some help with a good therapist.  The kids health, your health and hers, and the health of your relationships in the family depend on it!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Cheryl TarnofskyLMFT & Art Therapist):
It's absolutely normal to cry in therapy. I imagine that you are being vulnerable and open to exploring some deep seeded issues. Also, it may be a good sign that you feel safe and held with your therapist that you are able to freely express those strong emotions.