thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: parenting

Question: How should we punish our son for peeing his pants because of laziness?
He is an adolescent. He has peed his pant multiple times over the last few years, all at times when he is too wrapped up in a video game or video. We have taken away games and videos for long periods of time as punishment, but after a few months of having then back, he pees his pants again.

Answer (from Barika Grayson LMHC, NCCLicensed Mental Health Counselor www.counselflorida.com):
From a behavioral standpoint you should refrain from punishing your son.  Instead of utilizing punishment when he wets himself provide contingencies prior to any accidents.  Sit down with your son and discuss the importance of utilizing the bathroom and responsibilities and inform him that if he chooses to wet his pants that his video games will not be available for use for him the next day(or your designated realistic time frame).  This way if an accident occurs, no heated words have to be exchanged because you have already laid the ground work.  Also allow him to clean up himself.  Gather cleaning supplies and and oversee cleaning operations without ridicule or negative feedback.  Since you have stated that you have an adolescent who is experiencing enuresis, you may want to check with your PCP and a licensed professional for underlying diagnosis that can be treated.   You can also call a local behavioral analyst.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I give him another chance?
After my fiancé cheated on me because of a miscommunication, I pulled myself away from him.    Now he says all he wants is be with me. I'm pushing him away mentally now because he cheated on me again. I make plans with him that I don't keep. I really do love him still and I care about him. Should I give home one more chance?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
People don't cheat bc of miscommunication.   People cheat bc they feel diminished regard for their partner.You pulling away doesn't explain his behavior.If the two of you still were a couple at the time he cheated on you, then there were many alternatives he cold have taken besides disrespecting you.Try to understand whether you are satisfied and happy in the relationship.  Your actions sound as though you are not either of these.Whether or not you decide to be together again many depend too on if the trust you had in him is restored.  Do you feel you can trust him again?If the two of discuss your relationship then if you don't trust him right now and the both of you talk about your dynamics, then tell him about your feelings.Trust is foundational to feeling safe and happy in a relationship.
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Natalie Moore | Holistic Therapy🛋 For creative, ambitious millennials):
Teens are under more stress and pressure than ever. Many of them feel they need to:Earn straight A’s to get into their college of choiceHave the perfect appearance to be considered “hot” by peersAttract thousands of followers on social mediaAchieve success in sports, extracurriculars and clubsBe pleasant to be around, despite raging hormonesHold it all together, even under stress and pressureIt’s tough to be a teen! Many of them also don’t feel they have anyone they can go to about their problems. Their friends are dealing with the same issues, so can’t provide helpful advice. They may feel uncomfortable going to their parents with issues they’re afraid they’ll get in trouble for having. And they may not want to be a burden to those around them. I recommend you find a therapist who you think your teen will feel comfortable opening up to. Ask your teen how they would feel about having a confidential space where they could talk about anything without getting punished for it. In effective therapy, your teen can learn:Stress-reduction techniquesSocial problem-solvingAssertiveness skillsMindfulness practicesTime-management toolsPositive body imageTeens these days are more open to being in therapy than ever before. Gen Z didn’t grow up with the stigma around mental health nearly as much as their parents did. Talk to your teen and see how they would feel about getting some emotional support.
Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from Carole ConnerAffordable Clinical Counseling with Real Life Answers):
The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change?
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?
Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm sorry you're going through this problem of scary thoughts in your mind.None of us are able to directly stop thoughts from coming.What is possible is to question their value, accuracy, and believability.Maybe if you examine the thoughts which upset you, you'll be able to feel better by understanding that the thoughts are not very relevant to your actual life.Also, another choice of what to do with the upsetting thoughts, is to redirect them.  When a stressful or frightening thought shows up in your mind, give it a happy resolution.   Basically, turn the fright into something pleasant or at least bearable.I hope this helps you at least a little bit!
Topic: depression

Question: Why do I feel like I don't belong anywhere?
There are many people willing to lovingly provide me with a home. I have food, clothes, and a university education, but I never feel like I belong. Even when I have a good time with people who are supposed to be close, I feel like I'm just out with friends and I never go home.

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
I truly understand what you are saying. I wanted to share this blog post about this very concern! ⛓🔗Are you finally ready to be free 🕊🦅
Topic: spirituality

Question: I want to be a boy but I can't because of my religion
I was born a girl, but I want to be a boy. Because of my religion I can't tell my family. I know they won't accept me. What do I do?

Answer (from Fred RogersQue Sera Sera Counseling ):
No religion stops a person from being themselves. Gender is self-identified and not the one assigned at birth. Few families need sensitiation program for them to understand that their child is perfectly normal and gender dysphoria or gender incongruence is normal.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Dr. Timothy Paul'man'; Online - "Natural Health Consultant and Coach"):
Yeah, you might :)At least, it certainly feels like that, I bet...Not to mention that most counselors out there might generally feel overwhelmed with a "case" with so many problems.  And, so, you will slog along week-to-week with gradual improvements occurring as she slowly does her best to chip away...The real issue is that these folks don't yet comprehend the integrative nature of each of these subjects and how generally simple it is to understand them, and then eradicate them.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: Why can't I change?
I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. Changing unwanted behavior is one of the hardest things a person can do. I agree with Sherry that being patient with yourself is important. Here are a few things I would suggest:1. Get clear on the behaviors you really want to change, and make sure they are behaviors that CAN be changed. Sometimes we will set a goal like, "I want to be more confident" but that is hard to measure and prove to yourself that you accomplished it. Saying you are going to accept a date or go on a job interview is something you can actually do, and something that you may consider to be demonstrating confidence. Whatever your change of behavior is, make sure it is something you can actually change. 2. If you are going to give up a behavior, decide what you are going to do in place of it. So, if you are going to stop showing up late for work, then you are deciding to be on time for work and demonstrating your value of being punctual. 3. If you are going to make changes, really nail down WHY you want to make them. What is it about making these changes that is important to you as a person? For example, if you have the goal of weight loss, the reason this is important to you as a person may be because you value self-care. Knowing WHY you want to make changes is both your motivation and your compass for getting there. 4. Once you know WHY you want to make these changes, I strongly suggest setting small goals. If you set too high of goals you may not accomplish them and just feel worse. So, make the goal small, realistic, and guided by the the things you want to be as a person. 5. As Sherry mentioned, finding a counselor is sometimes a good idea if you really feel stuck. Any counselor who does work with goal-setting and motivation can probably help. Be well,Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to cry during therapy?
I start counseling/therapy in a few days (I'm freaking out) but my main fear is that I'll cry and embarrass myself, is it something to worry about?

Answer (from Miriam Dyak):
People do cry in therapy sometimes, but it's not at all necessary to cry in order for most kinds of therapy to be helpful. When you start counseling you don't yet know your counselor very well, so it's normal to keep your feelings in check until you feel comfortable and a bit more relaxed with your counselor and with the situation. Sometimes, though, there are emotions that have been waiting and waiting to finally find someone who will listen with a kind ear. If you feel safe right away in the situation with your counselor, you might just cry in spite of your fears about it. Your therapist is used to people expressing how they feel and will keep strict confidentiality, so even though it's embarrassing, finally experiencing someone truly listening with empathy and kindness may just be worth it. It's okay too to let your counselor know right at the beginning that you're kind of freaked out about getting too emotional in front of another person.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Should I get a divorce?
I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: I am very self conscious about my body
On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest.    How do I fix this?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Wear baggy clothes to disguise the problem and if you do this for a long enough time, then your friends may forget what size boobs you have.Can you tell your parents what you wrote here?  If yes, then maybe they will be empathetic and this always helps.They may also agree to not make any comments about your boobs when you wear the bigger bra around your friends when they visit you at home.Also, its possible your friends already have questioned why you wore a bigger bra than your boobs.  Maybe they saw what was going on the whole time during the school year and felt too awkward to tell you.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Cimberly R. NeskerRegistered Psychotherapist (3579)):
Hello, There are many ways to approach a counselor and starting the process, however they all start with picking up the phone.  It's most definitely an uncomfortable feeling, but once that first step is taken it is often met with a wave of relief. My recommendation is always to call and speak with a therapist over the phone before scheduling an appointment. Listening to how they converse, use their tone and inflection, may give you a brief insight to how they will respond to you and increase your comfort right away. You may also discover, rather quickly, that this therapist is not the right match for you.Regardless of how you go about it, I like to remind all people who call, email, text or walk-in, therapists are a bit like pizzas - if you don't like the toppings, send it back! There are hundreds of therapists offering all kinds of styles of therapy - take the time to pick one that suits you.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Josh KellarLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist):
I think the right therapist will lead you toward answers that work. “Right” simply means they are helping you accomplish your goals for counseling.If I understand the question, training your therapist should really just mean being transparent about what you’re looking for. Most therapists will offer a treatment plan that should let you know the process they are taking to help you meet your goals. If you don’t feel like the treatment plan is what you need, be honest with them and collaborate to come up with a process that better suits you.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My husband cheated before marriage—what can I do?
My husband cheated while I was pregnant with our son with a so-called friend. This was before we were married. We split and eventually worked things out. I thought I trusted him so we got married. Now he flirts with girls in front of me. I've talked to him, but nothing helps.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
This sounds very painful for you.Are you able to tell him how his flirting affects you?Maybe he doesn't care enough to change, and maybe he does.Long term if he continues this then usually people feel they have two choices, put up with it, which of course greatly reduces the sense of satisfaction in the relationship.   Or, of course, you can decide to end the relationship.  This choice is quite significant now that you have a child together.  Give yourself plenty of time to think over the best outcome.
Topic: addiction

Question: How do I help my husband get over his drinking addiction?

Answer (from Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC, NCCRecovery and Wellness Expertise):
It's not easy to be married to an alcoholic and I want to extend my support to you.  Without knowing the pattern of his substance use, I'll accept your description that he is an addict. The short version is that his addiction is not in your hands. Period. However, addiction is a "family disease", so you are definitely connected to it. Most people benefit from professional help, whether they are the addict or the other person. You might read some material from al-anon to improve your insight into how addiction works within relationships. It is safe to say that you are likely to have a role as a "co-dependent" or "enabler". The most common pattern is doing overt and subtle things that insulate the addict from the consequences of their behaviors. From calling out sick for the person when they're hung-over to allowing money to pay for alcohol, to simply remaining in the relationship, these are all behaviors that make the addiction more likely to continue. Change is difficult for all of us, especially when a physical dependency on a substance may be involved. But the awkward truth is that not one of us ever made a change unless we were in at least some pain. Pain in our present circumstance is a requirement to achieve change. By "enabling" your husband, you minimize that pain. Let me state again, though, that his addiction is not in your control and it's not for you to fix. You can, however, change your own behaviors in ways that might change his odds. Even if he does not get over his drinking addiction, as a general rule, you will be happier if you stop being a participant in it. Many people find that an addiction removes the addict from the relationship -- they're not really there, even if they appear to be. At the same time, there's a third person -- the substance. Some people choose not to remain in a relationship that's constructed in this odd and off-balance way.I hope that gives you some thought-starters but I would encourage you to seek in-person help from a local provider. And I wish for you and your husband recovery and well-being. Best regards,Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is there anything I can do to make my anxiety go away?
I'm a teenager, and while I’ve never been to any kind of therapist, I noticed I experience several anxiety symptoms. I frequently find myself not going out and following my parent around the house. I can't go into stores (grocery stores specifically) on my own, and when I do, I have to be on the phone with my dad the whole time. I also forget things a lot.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
With the way you described your anxiety, it sounds like you have different types of anxiety. I'm not sure whether you have anxiety of public places, large crowds, being alone  (sometimes called separation anxiety), or some combination thereof.One thing that would be helpful would be to track your anxiety and see how anxious you are (on a scale of 1 to 10) in different situations. Also, if you know what leads up to your anxiety, it would be good to know this as well so you can look for patterns.As for forgetting things, you could be anxious because you are forgetting things or you could be forgetting things because you are anxious. When you are having anxiety, certain parts of your brain are overactive because you are in a kind of protective mode. It's also possible that forgetting things and anxiety are not related.Something else to try would be to notice where you feel your anxiety in your body and put your hand there is a way of giving yourself comfort.Another thing about anxiety is that having anxiety can lead to more worry about having more anxiety. One thing that helps for some people is to go to the regular primary care doctor to make sure that there are no physical problems (just for the regular physical) so they know that there are no physical problems and that the anxiety will lessen in a few minutes.Also, if you are able to notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair, this is helping you to be mindful of your body and connecting you to your surroundings. During this in combination with naming your emotions can be soothing as well. For example, in the grocery store, if you are feeling anxious, you could say to yourself "I'm anxious right now and I'm okay" while gently shifting your weight from one foot to the other. No one around you would notice what you were doing and the motion may be soothing to you.Anxiety can have a lot of different causes and things that trigger it. If it is difficult for you to work it out on your own (which is very common), consider talking with a local therapist so you can have more specific ideas.Also consider making a list of people who you trust and what it is about them that makes you feel comfortable.