Topic: self-esteem

Question: How do I cope with "never being good enough?"
I'm always told I'm not good enough or trying hard enough. I put 100% in to every thing. I'm worn out, I've worked on all of my family relationships, I'm doing great in school, I'm kind to those in need and otherwise. I stick to my religious beliefs and leave room for mistakes and learn from others so I don't have to make as many and the ones I do I learn from.  Somehow it's still not good enough and nothing I do works. Nothing has changed, and I feel hopeless. Any suggestions or ideas?

Answer (from Ashton SullivanDialectical Behavior Therapy and EMDR):
I'm sorry that you feel this way despite all you do and as hard as you try.  No wonder you're feeling worn out and hopeless!  If you're doing your best and it's still not good enough then it's reasonable to expect that you would end up feeling burnt out.  It's like there's no more fuel to keep your fire going!  I would encourage you to approach this with curiosity.  In what areas are you not feeling "good enough?"  What does "good enough" even mean?  How are you measuring your success?   Is it measured by what other people say, whether or not they approve, or what other people think?  Is it measured by your own expectations, expectations of a boss, a parent, or a partner?  Are they realistic and achievable expectations?  I once had a boss who always gave negative feedback and criticism.  I started to get to the point where I questioned my career and whether or not it was for me.  When I took a step back and checked the facts, I realized that the feeling of being "not good enough" was coming up mostly in my interactions with my boss.  When I found myself thinking of quitting, I realized that it might be helpful to try talking to her about it first.  As scary as it was, it made a huge difference.  I practiced the skills I teach my clients including constructive criticism and assertive communication.  I told her that as much as I appreciated her trying to help by giving me feedback, I found myself feeling very discouraged after our meetings.  I braced for her response, which actually came to me as a surprise.  She admitted that many people have told her the same thing, and that it wasn't me.  She said that it was her own "stuff" that she needed to work on.   After that I chose to focus on the evidence that I was doing well and that my job has meaning and value.  I realized that "good enough" is how I choose to define it.  I worked on letting myself be human and realizing that I am doing my best and that's good enough (and that doesn't mean I can't still learn and grow).  Giving yourself permission to be human and stop judging yourself so harshly creates space for learning and growing without burning out.  It also gives you a sense of peace because you're not trying to live up to unrealistic expectations.  It's saying "I'm okay as I am, regardless of what anyone says or thinks."  It's also saying "I'm doing my best and I can do better, try harder, and be more motivated to change."Bottom line is, if you check the facts, you're doing great in many ways.  So whether the "not good enough" message is coming from outside or within, try to replace it with another narrative.  Maybe something like, "I'm okay as I am, even if I make mistakes and I'm always learning."  If you're getting criticism from others, try talking to them about it.  Let them know how they can best support you.  Maybe that means celebrating your accomplishments with you- no matter how small.  Most likely they want what's best for you and don't realize how their actions are affecting you.  If they don't want what's best for you, then you might want to consider how you can filter them out of your life or set healthy boundaries with them.  Keep your head up and stay focused on your strengths.  The fact that you are reaching out for help shows that you're proactive and open-minded; hang in there and it will get better!