thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: parenting

Question: My mentally-ill mother-in-law wants to babysit
My mother-in-law is mentally ill. She has been for most of her life. She cuts herself. She has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals for about 40 years. She has voices in her head that tell her to cut herself. She has had multiple shock therapy treatments, and she’s on enough medication to take down an elephant. Her parental rights for her two children were taken away from her when my husband was a boy—he is now in his late 30s. She doesn’t even have custody of herself. She hasn’t asked yet, but she has been insinuating that she wants to babysit my child. How do I go about saying no without creating an issue?

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Fontana,Thanks for providing all the details needed in order to respond to your question. It seems very clear to me that "no" would be the appropriate response. I like your healthy boundaries, and I'll help you explore possible ways to respond to her. First, she hasn't asked yet, and you don't know that she will. Right now, you can pleasantly ignore her hints. They're not hurting you and if you ignore them, they're more likely to go away. You can address and reduce your own anxiety about the possibility of her asking by reassuring yourself that you have the right as parents to make this decision, and that if she's offended, that doesn't mean that you're being mean; it means that she has unrealistic expectations. So, the first goal is to put it out of your mind as a worry. You might never have to face that moment. But, I understand that you want to be prepared.As her son, perhaps your husband is the best one to answer the question, should it ever come. Is he willing to do this? But if you are comfortable, and if you're the one she asks, you can confidently give her a simple, honest response about why it won't happen. And I would suggest presenting a firmly closed door, rather than saying "but maybe later". No need to apologize or hum and haw..."We love that you want to be around Junior, and we definitely want you in his/her life. (try to leave out the "but" here). You're not in a healthy place, and we're not comfortable with you caring for him/her on your own."If she pushes the issue, this is evidence of her denial or inappropriate boundaries. I'd let her know that it's not negotiable, that you understand if she's disappointed, but you're not open to discussing the issue. Really, there's nothing to discuss. Learning not to take responsibility for her emotions is part of having an ill person in your life. I wish you the best.
Topic: relationships

Question: My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Answer (from Tara Green, LCSWFeel alive again; solution focused and goal oriented therapy):
Your boyfriend is probably feeling jealous and maybe threatened by your friend. Does he know you had a relationship with your friend in the past? It is not uncommon for him to feel this way as he was not included in your weekend with both of you. Is it possible for the three of you to spend some time together? If you want to continue your friendship with this friend without it impacting your current relationship with your boyfriend, maybe you can start there and see if everyone can be comfortable with this arrangement.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Toni Teixeira, LCSWYour road to healing begins here):
Absolutely! It is very normal to cry during a therapy session. During a session lots of different feelings will come up. When sadness and grief show up you are going to feel them in your body and crying is our way of expressing them. Sometimes we even cry when we feel anger or joy.  Your therapist should provide a safe place for you to express all your feelings and help you process them. It is part of the work of therapy and it sounds like you are doing the work. Good luck to you!
Topic: anxiety

Question: I have difficulty with communication
I am a really shy person. I'm currently in a graduate program which requires lots of presentations, but they always make me feel stressed out and less confident. How can I get more confident?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Have you tried rehearsing to yourself or a trusted friend what you will present to the class?   The more confident you feel in a safe space, the more chance there will be of making the same presentation to a larger group.Giving presentations is not necessarily a difficulty with communication.   It has more to do with performance than expressing yourself clearly.Practice, practice, and practice, until you see yourself improve in how you present.Also, keep in mind that whatever anxiety you may feel about making a mistake, the audience is almost alway much more forgiving than the person who feels anxious.Anxiety heightens fear, so whatever concerns you have, check if they are growing from anxiety instead of a realistic assessment of your abilities or audience receptivity.Good luck!
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer (from Gwendolyn Nelson-Terrywww.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com):
It can be hard for husbands to hear that their wife is unhappy.  By nature men tend to be more of the fix it type.  So if they are sad, they fix it.  If their wife is sad, they fix it.  He may feel helpless to help you and that may be why he is saying those things to you.  It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't take them seriously, he might just have no idea how to help.  I would start by making an appointment to talk with a therapist about your sadness.  Meeting with a therapist may help you to learn some tools and strategies that can help you to manage some of the sadness you are feeling.  A therapist can also help you to gain some understanding and insight into why you might be experiencing sadness.  Depression is not something you have to sit with, therapy can help.  Once your husband sees that you are being proactive in addressing your sadness/depression he will probably be more open to listening to you and supporting you.  He might start to have ideas and input on how you two can work together to change some of the situations or things that might be holding you bakc.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Should I get a divorce?
I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.

Answer (from Brandon CoussensCouples Counseling, Premarital Counseling and Sex Therapy):
I don't know that I should tell you to get a divorce. Some would, but I think there is something much deeper going on for you. I would be more concerned about figuring out the deeper reason you are having an affair. Do you have shame and guilt? Do you not like that you are doing this to your husband? Do you see yourself as a bad person, or do you just want more? All of this can be handled if you really want to fix it in your marriage.You can have more in your marriage with some help. You can stop having affairs if you get help. I would encourage you to seek help right away and find out what you are missing that is driving you to commit affairs. I actually believe that if you get a divorce, you will probably keep repeating the same behavior with another person. Let me know if you desire more help.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Jane M Floyd, PsyDOur life is shaped by our mind for we become what we think; lets get started making progress in life):
it is quite normal as conversations we have may touch on emotions, thoughts and feelings that have been covered up for a long time. Just as laughter (which may also be present in therapy), joy, sadness, reflections, these are all emotions and insights that can occur. Allowing yourself to feel and express yourself in a space of safety is freeing and enlightening. Not all sessions can have that but those moments are wonderful and continue on ones pattern of growth. Grab a Kleenex and let it out!
Topic: sleep-improvement

Question: Why am I dreaming so much?
Sometimes 3 times a night.

Answer (from Reid StellReid Stell Counseling):
As a depth therapist (aka "psychodynamic practitioner"), I do a lot of dream work with clients; and they gain great insights from our explorations.We remember dreams, I believe, because dreams are messages (always in code) from the unconscious, communicating the crux of unresolved conflict between who we are and who we think we are supposed to be. You might be remembering so many dreams because your conscious mind is ready to hear these messages...and make some internal changes in response.Write them down! You'll be glad you did. A broad cross-section of these these messages will help your therapist help you interpret the meanings of these communications from you to you, and possibly chart your best path forward toward to resolve the cause of psychological symptoms you might be experiencing.
Topic: parenting

Question: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?
She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
It may be helpful to first have a discussion about what you are expecting and put a timeframe on it that if she is not doing certain things by a certain date, she will have to leave. If you don't know where she can go, there is probably a list of shelters for the county that you live in.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: I just lost my grandpa
I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Answer (from Ian Palombo#ThoughtMediator & #LifeUntangler):
Feeling profound sadness after the death of a loved one? Experiencing excessive guilt about something left unsaid or undone? Are you gripped with fear? Caught in a cycle of anxiety, helplessness, or panic? Having trouble resuming a normal life with grief and pain as your constant companions? Grief counseling could help you understand what's happened and provide professional help and support through it.Learn to cope with their grieving experience.Grief is a natural human response to loss. That doesn’t mean the loss of a loved one isn’t an intense and at times desolate experience. While painful experiences are normal during this time, your emotions may feel trapped on a non-stop roller coaster. You may experience downs and deeper downs interspersed with periods of brief respite.You can learn to express and come to terms with the broad range of emotions involved in the grieving process, from those that you may expect — sadness, loneliness, exhaustion -  to those that come as a surprise, such as relief, anger, and a sense of confusion. We offer a variety of therapeutic approaches to best support you and work with you as an equal collaborator to empower and engage your healing.Loss is a very personal journey, with some finding it more difficult than others. While grieving for the same person can often foster compassion and connection among family and friends, it’s also common for the grieving to struggle with anger, conflict, a lack of understanding, or an inability to fully share your feelings with others. Grief and bereavement counseling can provide you a much-needed safe space to work through your struggles with a caring, nonjudgmental professional.Do any of these describe you? You’re struggling to come to terms with a lossYou feel overwhelmed with grief, fear, despair, or worryYour faith seems shattered and you feel abandoned at your time of greatest needYou feel alone as everyone else seems to have moved on without youYou want to live a happier, more connected lifeYou’d like professional support to better cope through the grieving processA counselor may offer the support, guidance, and expert care you need. In grief and bereavement counseling we work with you toward lessening the pain so you can function well in your post-loss life. We listen with empathy, discuss ways to deal with unhelpful and unhealthy thoughts and behaviors, and teach you techniques to manage distress and enable you to move forward.
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I get my boyfriend to see my point of view when we argue?
I had to go to the emergency room today to get an X-ray of my spine. My boyfriend didn't want to sit there and wait with me. Instead, he wanted to go do things for his friends while I waited. When I was done, he was twenty minutes late in picking me up. He doesn't understand why I'm mad, and we keep bickering at each other over the smallest things. He thinks I don't have a reason to be mad, but I believe that I do.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
It is extremely frustrating when our significant other doesn't understand our points of view. Often times, arguments are not the best opportunities to try and make a point, as strong emotions can get in the way of understanding others' perspectives. Try having a discussion with him about what is bothering you during a time when neither if you are upset or arguing. Communicate how you feel without placing blame and without yelling. Addionally, give him ideas of what he can do differently so that he understands what your expectations are. Lastly, consider seeing a couple's therapist who can assist with teaching more effective communication techniques. Best of luck.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: How do I handle being wanted in a relationship when I'm used to feeling unwanted?
I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.

Answer (from Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC, NCCRecovery and Wellness Expertise):
You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not "loving ourselves" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us.  Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you! You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer. Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How can I deal with a break up?
My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.

Answer (from Sobha VakhariyaOakland County Psychotherapist):
if he as cheated on you multiple times it is not healthy for you to continue seeing him.  However It takes time to heal your pain. You are not a robot that can just switch off your emotions.  Please surround yourself with people who can support and empower you.
Topic: legal-regulatory

Question: How do I, a LPC, start an online practice?

Answer (from Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor):
This is a great question - especially since technology assisted counseling is definitely the current growing edge of the field.There are a few things you'll want to look into before starting an online practice:1) Check out your state laws regarding online counseling - keep in mind there are different terms used in different states Including "technology assisted" or "distance" counseling. So it might take a little searching to find your state's rules.  Some states have extensive regulations regarding the scope of practice, informed consent, documentation, etc.  Other states do not have any specific laws or policies regarding online counseling at all.2) Next, it's a good idea to review the 2014 ACA code of ethics and the 2015 AMHCA code of ethics. Both have extensive new sections addressing the ethics of online counseling.3) Lastly, you'll need to look into the law in the state(s) where your potential clients are located.  This is really important since nearly every state considers counseling to occur in both the location of the client and the location of the counselor.  For example, New York has a law that specifically requires any counselor who is providing online counseling services to a client in the state to be licensed by New York.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

Answer (from Amanda WatkinsSeeking employment with a non-profit agency):
I've been in this situation before and have some insight to share with you.  In my experience, he was lying and trying to cover it up. By pushing you to std testing, he's distracting you so he can shift the guilt he feels and blame it on you. In a guilty man's mind I believe he's thinking-...if I cheated...you must have as well....but you're much worse than I because it's okay for me to cheat...but not you...now you're a cheating dirty slut...just like that prostitute Men believe they're entitled to treat women and children like property. Often they use intimidation and violence to control us.  He'll never admit to cheating, he'll never apologize and he'll do it again and again. Truly they don't think it's a big deal, it's just their way of being social. They desperately want us to accept it, perhaps join in the act.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: What happens in a counseling session?
After first meeting the client, what is the process that a counselor facilitates?

Answer (from Allison VelezIs your relationship worth it?):
Each counselor may have a different process, so I'm not the end all authority here.  For myself, I review policies and confidentiality concerns with people first and answer any questions they have. Then I'll let them know I'll be writing a lot in this session and I have an assessment form that I like to get completed, but I want to have a conversation and I'll ask questions as we go.  My first question is usually, "How do you feel I can best help you today?"  Some people are very at ease and tell me many details.  Others are a bit more reserved and I have to demonstrate more curiosity.  Even people who have been very apprehensive are usually feeling very relaxed by the time the session is over.  Usually, when we get close to end of session time, I'll summarize what I think are the biggest concerns from what I've heard and confirm whether or not the person wants to work on those things.  I also try to give an exercise targetting my biggest concern for them to work on in between sessions.  For instance, a relaxation method if they are very anxious.  Counselors are just humans as well, so it does take a bit of time to really get to know another person.  I always tell people that are apprehensive to give the counselor 3 or 4 sessions to determine if they really connect with them.  I hope that helps, Allison
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Lisa Provorny):
Your therapy sessions and goals  are for you and about you. They are not meant to be compared to anyone else's sessions and goals. Crying can occur in many different scenarios, such as when you're happy, relieved, have just heard the funniest joke, and of course, when you're sad. All of these feelings are valid and your tears are part of how your body experiences those feelings. If you're often sad and working through a lot of sadness in your therapy sessions, it is reasonable to expect that you may cry a lot during therapy.If you're crying, and you aren't able to connect it to an emotional experience or feeling, that is something to discuss with your therapist. It can sometimes be difficult to name our feelings, and the behaviors get ahead of our thinking brain to try and communicate for us. Maybe your tears are trying to tell you something about your feelings. Either way, your therapy sessions should be a safe space for you to cry, feel, investigate, and connect.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer (from Ashley "Ashton" BernalRenewed Hope Counseling):
I am curious, what makes you stay? Sometimes "managing stress" is only a band aid to a bigger problem. When you ask yourself "what your life would look like without this stress," what do you see? We can easily talk about coping strategies for stress. Mindfulness, deep breathing, meditation, journaling, exercising etc. All of which may be things to help manage your stress. Hearing your sentiments above "I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions" I wonder if the stress is more resentment and if "managing" is really the solution?
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Why did my sister not defend me when my ex-husband said bad things about me?
I recently went through a divorce. My ex-husband called my sister saying bad things about me. My sister never defended me. Now that I showed the truth, she's shutting me up and saying she doesn't care about the fight. Why didn't she convey that to him from the beginning?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Sorry for so much emotional pain from the combination of the divorce and your sister not supporting you in the way you wish.When you feel ready and if you feel this would help, then consider to talk to your sister from perspective to improve the relationship the two of you have.Since the ex is gone and the sister is an ongoing person in your life, this particular incident is only one in many which the two of you will have with each other.The disappointment you feel now as to how she handled herself, is a point to bring up to her for the sake of clarifying the type of relationship you each would like to build with each other.As to your specific question as to why she did what she did, she is the only person who has the answer.Start with finding out if she wants to improve the relationship altogether.   Then you can use her lack of support with the ex, as an example of how meaningful her support of you is to you.