Topic: relationships

Question: Why do I keep getting with men that emotionally abuse me?
I've been abused emotionally all of my life and for some reason I keep getting with men that I let emotionally abused me.
 How can I stop it? I know the mistakes that I've made in my life. I'm having a really hard time getting back on my feet. Can you help me please?

Answer (from Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist):
I want to applaud you for taking this first step towards realizing that this is an issue and wanting to do something about it.  You are already on the road to a happier life with this realization.  A lot of women do not recognize that it may be something about them that continues to attract a man like this and will only blame it on the men for treating them that way.  Until you realize there is a problem you won’t start looking for a solution.Don’t misunderstand me!  The abuse is not your fault! You are seeing a pattern, though, so this does need to be addressed. First, go and buy the book “Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin” by Anne Katherine.  Read it.  This book describes many situations that are similar to yours, describes how a person came to be that way, and how to stop it.  You will have to learn to set good boundaries in your life and to maintain them.Be single for a while.  Stay single until you feel like a whole, healthy, happy person on your own.  Often we get in a relationship because of a need.  If you feel like you need a person in your life to make you a whole person then you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons.  The first step is to work on whatever it is in you that makes you feel like you need another person in your life.  Identify those needs and then learn to fulfill them on your own.I was doing a couples therapy session and the husband was being emotionally abusive to the wife.  This was a recurrent theme for her, like you are saying it is for you.  However, she had been doing a lot of work on her own and in private therapy, and this was a new relationship.  Obviously she still had not “gotten it right” because she did once again attract a man with these tendencies.  The difference this time was that she had done a lot of work on herself and had become a stronger person.  When she looked at him in our session and said to him “I don’t need you. I want you.  But not if you are going to continue to act like this.  So you leave the house and don’t come back until you are ready to make some changes.”  She stuck to that, too.  He didn’t leave for two more days because he kept telling her he would do different and begging to be allowed to stay.  She had drawn a boundary and stuck to it, and he left. She was fully prepared to be single again.  They actually did end up working things out in the end.You can’t let someone stay and continue to treat you badly.  Sure, a marriage takes work and compromise on both sides.  Couples therapy can help you both learn to communicate in a healthier way with each other and can help you realize what areas in the relationship need work.  You may not realize how some of the things you say to him comes across, and he may not realize how what he says does to you.  A therapist can help you with this so that you both learn how your words can hurt. But you need to know your boundaries and be prepared to stick to them and not compromise your boundaries.  That means following through on the threat to leave when he continues to abuse you.  Someone can’t do that if they are too scared to be alone.  If they feel they need the other person in their life. These patterns are developed in early childhood from what we learn from our parents.  When someone has grown up in a dysfunctional family, it is all they know.  Even when you can say that you realize it is a problem, you still don’t know how to stop it because you never learned any other way of interacting with people.  Something that took a lifetime to learn will take time and work to overcome.  Be patient with yourself and find a good therapist.  You can’t change your partner.  Work on you, and when you begin to heal and feel healthy, the right people will come into your life and stay.  The more you focus on trying to change the wrong ones to be what you want the more frustrated you will become.