thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: parenting

Question: I don't know what to do about my son's lying
My son stole my debit card and lied about it. It's not the first time he has lied. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if I should punish him or make him do something. I've tried talking to him and asking if anything was wrong. I have grounded him, but nothing works. What should I do?

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Enid, You sound like a sensitive parent; I like that you talked to your son to see if anything is wrong. There is some key information here (I don't know your son's age, whether he spent any money, whether he put the card back, or how many times he's stolen), and my answer might be different depending on those details, but I'll give you my thoughts.I see it as every child's job to figure out the rules and find where their power is in the world. In order to accomplish that, many of them test limits. "What can I get away with?" is a question they have to find the answer to. If a child knows the rules, they're much more likely to not test limits (because they already know the limits). So, part of testing limits is experimenting with stealing and lying. Not all kids steal, but I would say pretty much every child lies at some point. It's a normal behaviour, and most of the time it's about small things that don't matter and we don't even find out. Stealing a debit card is a bit more serious, and I'm not surprised he lied about it. If you absolutely know that he took it, it's okay to tell him that you believe he did this thing and also lied about it. It's appropriate to give a consequence for this type of behaviour, so that the child doesn't do it again. The consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. The behaviour (stealing) was harmful to you, so doing you a favour with extra chores might be a good idea. It's funny, because as parents we try to tell our kids that lying is bad, but they know they'll get a consequence if they tell the truth so there are natural deterrents to being honest (we don't want people to know our mistakes). It's a dilemma. If you really want to focus on the lying part, you can tell him that you won't give him a consequence for the lying if he decides to come clean with the truth within one day. That gives him incentive to come to you with truth. It sometimes works with kids to give them a chance to come clean and then reward them for telling the truth. You can set your child up for success and train them to tolerate honesty. Put a cookie on the counter. Tell your child to take the cookie at some point in the day. Then ask them later if they took the cookie. You're making honesty fun. Kids love games. Basically, there's as much power in rewarding the positive behaviour as punishing the negative. If this is the first serious offence for your son, don't make a big deal of it; consequence him and see if he learns. If it's a pattern, that's different and you may want the input of a therapist.
Topic: parenting

Question: Should my step-daughters be told that their step-father has a child pornography addiction?
My husband’s ex-wife married a man who was charged with seven felony counts of pandering involving a minor. He, by his own admission, is addicted to child pornography. My step-daughters are now all teenagers. They do not know. My husband’s ex-wife has kept this information from my step-daughters. The step-father has had issues regarding his pornography addiction recently. The ex-wife minimizes it by saying that he has "repented." It is a constant strain on my husband, knowing that his girls are living with a man who is addicted to child pornography. My own therapist believes the girls should be told. The ex-wife says her therapist says the opposite.

Answer (from Frank TheusMA, LPC, NCC, CSAT):
The information from the other therapists here is sound and prudent. There are what sounds to be real legal (is this man a RSO [registered sex offender]; is he prohibited from being in proximity to minors? use/possession of child porn violates any # of state and federal statues...) and safety issues at play here. Your husband's daughters have an immediate "need to know" and this can be done developmentally-contextual, factually and in a non-shaming fashion. I would further counsel that you and your husband (his daughters welfare is at stake) seek immediate legal counsel. The ex-wife here seems to be between a "rock and a hard place" of her own creation -- she desperately needs care, treatment for herself. Resources for Your Consideration: 1) http://www.missingkids.com/home; 2) https://www.justice.gov/criminal-ceos/citizens-guide-us-federal-law-child-pornography
Topic: relationships

Question: My new husband constantly talks to himself
However, it seems as though he is really talking to someone other than himself. I have even accused him of having a secret phone. Is he trying to make me crazy on purpose, or is he really talking to himself?

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
Some people simply talk to themselves as a way of processing information. Have you checked in with your husband about this in a non-accusatory way? Something like "Hey babe (or whatever sweet name you typically use), I'm so curious what that's all about? Do you notice that you are talking out loud?" Chances are it's just how he thinks things through and is not at all about trying to make you crazy, it's just one of his quirks you'll grow to endear. Early married life is a time full of discovering one another's quirks!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Are some clients more difficult than others?
What are some difficulties that a counselor can encounter when dealing with a client?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Each counselor will have their own list of "difficulties" in doing therapy work with a client.  Even if clinically trained similarly, since counselors are human then their response to your question will reflect their unique differences as humans.On my list is when the emotional pain I feel for someone describing some type of injustice or unfair treatment by another, feels very deep.Sometimes I feel like avoiding the pain I feel by asking questions which will steer the conversation away from the painful areas the client talks about.What in fact is necessary to clear out their pain, is to step further into so as to realize their emotional pain isn't greater than who they are.
Topic: depression

Question: How do I fight inner loneliness from depression and a severe anxiety disorder?
I've been hospitalized twice. Once was last month for psychiatric help. I'm on medicine, but I'm struggling with fighting the negative thoughts, irrational fears, and loneliness. The people around me aren't helping much.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
If you are someone who usually has a job, pays or contributes to household bills, and generally manages your own daily life, then here are some suggestions.Start with small changes in your life so that you will feel successful in developing little areas of personal happiness.Since the people whom you currently are in your life "aren't helping much", consider branching out your life so that you are with those with whom you do feel help you.Follow your natural interests.  If you like reading, look online for a local book club.   If you like watching birds, look up a bird watching group.Social isolation increases the intensity of negative feelings.Also, the way healthcare is set up in the US, psychiatrists spend 15 minutes asking a person questions and then giving them a pill script.    There is almost no human interest in the person.If you'd like feeling better as a person, then find people.   Relying only on our mental health system will keep you feeling low and unsteady.If your life is a little more sheltered and you are in a group home setting or your basic needs are taken care of by someone or some organization, then similar advice is still valid.Find and participate in whatever human settings which appeal to you and are available on a somewhat regular basis.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Emily SullivanHealth & Wellness Counseling, Individual & Couples Psychotherapy):
You absolutely do not have "too many issues" for counseling. Your reaching out to ask this question shows you have a resilient spirit. Also, your happy marriage can be a support and strength to you as you embark on a counseling journey. I would recommend that you find a counselor who specializes in trauma, sexual trauma and/or EMDR (a type of therapy that is proven to have a strong impact on healing from trauma). Good luck!
Topic: depression

Question: How can you get back to my old self?
I no longer carry expressions on my face, and my emotions are decreasing the more I have fights with my fiancée.

Answer (from Sarah McIntyreSarah McIntyre, M.Ed., LPC):
Sometimes repressing anger can lead to depression and block all kinds of other emotions too.  I would wonder about your experience with anger and if you've ever been discouraged from expressing anger.  I would also wonder if you feel like you have space to express yourself in your relationship or if you feel like you really aren't being heard.  It's hard to feel cared for and connected to someone else when you don't feel accepted by them.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I make the voices stop?
I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little.    I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
How is your life going overall?Since you hear voices since you were young I wonder whether you mean the thoughts each of us has about what to do, our opinions, including self-criticism and praise.I try to understand how severe a problem these voices are if you've managed to get to a point in life of awareness about the voices.Usually when mental health people hear about voices the immediate thought is you need drugs bc you are psychotic.Since this is going on for a number of years, I wonder if the problem is something different.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How do I get over "imposter syndrome"?
I'm dealing with imposter syndrome in graduate school. I know that by all accounts I am a phenomenal graduate student, and that I am well-published. I am well liked by students and faculty alike. And yet I cannot shake the feeling that I'm going to be found out as a fraud.    How can I get over this feeling?

Answer (from Marianne Cook, EdD, LICSWPsychotherapy for Higher Education):
Impostor syndrome is such a common experience in graduate school and other high-pressure, competitive settings. I am glad to hear that you have some sense of your accomplishments, but I understand that it can be quite hard to internalize and truly believe them. Here are a few suggestions for overcoming impostor syndrome:Check your standards. Impostor syndrome is often connected to perfectionism, and you may be holding impossibly high standards for yourself. Do you believe you need to know everything, excel at everything, or be liked by everyone in order to succeed in graduate school? If so, nothing you accomplish will ever measure up to your ideals. Try shifting your focus away from achievement and onto development: what are you learning about yourself and your research, and how are you growing as a person and a scholar? This can help you appreciate yourself as a work in progress -- which all of us fundamentally are.Own your uniqueness. It can be easy to compare yourself to peers based on number of publications, fellowships, conferences, etc. But you are not a number. You are the only person in your program with your specific background, interests, and point of view. The more you own what makes you special and distinct from others, the more you're likely to feel that you have something to contribute to your program and to your field.Celebrate your successes. Positive psychology has demonstrated that we can retrain our minds by paying more attention to positive information. I recommend keeping a success journal and jotting down anything (large or small, concrete or abstract) that you feel proud of. Aim to make a few additions a day to it. You may find that through pointing out these daily victories to yourself, you start to accept more positive feedback and believe in yourself in a deeper way.Talk to trusted peers and mentors. Impostor syndrome flourishes in silence. If you have an advisor or colleague you can open up to, you will likely find that this person has experienced similar feelings, and that can be tremendously reassuring, because it shows you that impostor syndrome is a common phenomenon, not a manifestation of your inner unworthiness.A therapist can be an excellent resource on your graduate school journey to help you examine, challenge, and let go of your self-doubts. I wish you the best of luck in graduate school and beyond!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from RINDA SMITHDirector, Rinspire Life Coaching):
Crying during a therapy session is not unusual. When we are in a safe environment, such as a therapists office, it allows us to disarm our defenses. By disarming our defenses we are able to feel and express our emotions. Oftentimes, these emotions result in tears.  I personally feel that crying in a therapy session is the one of the most beautiful parts of the healing process.
Topic: relationships

Question: Why is it hard for me to express myself?
I don't know how to tell someone how I feel about them. How can I get better at expressing how I feel?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
I wanted to share these two short books (see below). You could also look into working on your throat chakra which deals with speaking your truth, self-expression,  being heard.  Communication Crunch High Impact Communication
Topic: family-conflict

Question: What can I do when my family doesn't accept my sexuality?
I'm a teenage gay girl, and I'm in love with a girl a few years older than me. She loves me too, but we're not physically together at the moment. I've been thinking about being transgender soon too, but my family doesn't accept me, so I honestly don't know what to do about that because I feel like I have to constantly hide the real me. It hurts so much to hide the real me. What can I do?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
They would probably be helpful to speak with a local mental health professional about this, not because there's anything wrong with the real you, but because having these conversations can be difficult and you may choose to talk about your real self in different ways with different people.Maybe you could talk about your concerns with your significant other and discuss different ways you may be able to discuss your relationship that fit with how each of you defines your love for one another.Because you are saying openly that you are gay, and it sounds like you already identify yourself as gay, as compared to considering being transgender "soon," it may be worth considering disclosing the fact that you are gay now and disclosing the idea that you are transgender after you have worked through that yourself. I would like for you to be able to be true to yourself and show the real you. It could also be that you already know that you are transgender, but with the way that you  phrased it here, I'm not certain.Here is a link to a hotline that you may want to consider using. The Trevor Project is about helping teenagers who identify as LGBTQ: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/Here is another national site where you may be able to find a local chapter: https://www.pflag.org/I don't know what you mean when you said that your family will not accept you, but since you are concerned about your family's reaction, I would suggest that it may be helpful to have a therapist or some other support in place before telling your family. The decision of whether or not to wait longer to tell them is ultimately yours, but I wonder if you have a likelihood of explaining what you are experiencing in a way that would be truer to you and also perhaps easier for your family to follow if you had time to process it with supportive people first.Please remember that you are not alone in this. There are people in the world who can and will accept you for who you are.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I want to feel more comfortable around people
My son was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and I stopped working so that I could take care of him. I also was dealing with an abusive relationship (mentally, physically, and emotionally). Now I live like a recluse and I always feel nervous around people.
   How can I feel more comfortable around other people?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Take small steps each day. Go around a few people,  take a walk, and smile or wave at others.  Strike up a conversation in the grocery aisle.  Think of topics you enjoy and would like to share, could talk about, to break the ice. Maybe call some friends you once had and reconnect. Go at a pace that feels comfortable and in time you could release the reclusive energy to embrace a more social you.  This video could be beneficial also.   How To Make Friends As An Adult
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I control my temper?
I get angry and act out. It scares my wife and child.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
Yes you can..  If you cannot control your temper, who can?  You have more power of your emotions, thoughts and feeling than you are giving yourself credit for.  If this is scaring your wife and child, you need to get control of it immediately.  Try going to an anger management class.  It will help to discover what is the root cause of your anger, what triggers it and how you can control/manage it.  If you can't go to a class, try self help books or even better yet counseling and support of a professional counselor.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner):
Since you have not had counseling for any of these issues, I would encourage you to do so. During your initial visit, a therapist will gather data about your presenting problem and symptoms, medical history, as well as any significant events that have occurred in your life such as abuse, parental separation or divorce  and so forth. During the sessions, a competent therapist will ask you what issue you want to address first. Part of your treatment plan will not only include your diagnosis but also other areas of your life that need clinical attention and that can be considered additional stressors. During the sessions, you will most likely explore the sources of your depression and anxiety as well as your trauma history. Sexual abuse is often challenging to discuss particularly if you have never talked to anyone about it.However,if the  therapist strives to create an emotionally safe environment, no matter how many issues you believe you have, you will feel supported to reveal your psychological distress layer by layer.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Philippe BowerHealing with Philippe):
First, thank you for being open and vulnerable by sharing with us online. Second, many of these "issues" you have mentioned are all interconnected. Often my clients have found that addressing past traumas helps diminish their depression. Which in turn can diminish the anxiety.  The first step to wellness is to take a chance on ourselves and seek out a clinician we can connect with. Namaste
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day
I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Answer (from Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC, NCCRecovery and Wellness Expertise):
Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an "addict" or "alcoholic." You might have a "problem" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict. I don't have information to know if "addiction" or "dependence" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation.  One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support. Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger. I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness.