thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: Should I get back together with my ex-boyfriend who has trust issues?
My ex-boyfriend and I met over a year ago. We hit it off and fell in love pretty quick. However, he has trust issues and assumed I was cheating. When I found out I was pregnant, we had just broken up. Five months later, I lost the baby, and we did not speak for a few weeks. Now we are talking, and he says he loves me but is afraid I will hurt him "again." I just want to know where to go with this because I love him so much, and I want to get back to us being happy and a family.

Answer (from Cimberly R. NeskerRegistered Psychotherapist (3579)):
I'm truly sorry to hear that your relationship is causing you such distress at this time. When we are in relationships, trust is so integral to our satisfaction within the relationship.  Often, when we feel we are required to prove ourselves, feelings of resentment can replace those feelings of wanting to be supportive.  In situations like this, I often recommend being open and honest in your communication with your partner.  Your fears about his response are valid, as he made an assumption which you cannot disprove because you cannot battle against a shadow fact. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can always ask him why he is so concerned you are unable to remain faithful and challenge those beliefs with the facts that disclaim them.  You can also ask your partner what it is that he needs from you to help you to help him trust in your responses.  In the end, these are issues that you cannot conquer for him - you can only guide him and show him the path towards trust.  You may suggest couples counselling or that he seek out a professional to talk to, as well.  But in terms of your question, only you can decide whether you feel you can remain in a relationship in which you defend yourself against an uncommitted offense.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I manage my budding anxiety?
I have been thinking a lot about certain situations and having my worries about what others may think or say.

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
I think it's a great idea that you are asking this question now while it's early on. The first thing I wonder is what age you are.  At different transitions and stages in life, it's really common for anxieties to come out of the woodwork.  First time this takes place at a greater level is during adolescence, because a teen's "job" is to figure out who they are within the context of other people.  Spikes in anxiety also can also occur after high school when you are leaving the nest and heading to college, or the late twenties when it feels like you are expected to have your life figured out and compare to where others are in their lives.  That same scenario can show up in mid-life as well for different reasons depending on the person.  Aside from age, certain circumstances can influence a jump in anxiety, such as a job change, switching schools, moving, opening a business, college finals, etc.  Take some time to explore where the anxiety might be coming from and just see what comes up.  It may be something you have some control over, or something that you can ask for help from someone else for--especially if it's social anxiety.  The more you practice social skills, the more confidence you'll have in the long-run.A metaphor I use with some people is gas for a car.  Anxiety is a necessary motivator for action, though you get to decide where to go with that anxiety.  An overfilled tank doesn't get you any further than a normally-filled tank, and more gas doesn't mean the gas is in charge of where you go.  Applying that to what I know about your situation--how much of that worrying is getting you somewhere, how much is just extra gas, and are the worries changing what you really want to do? Sometimes knowing the makeup of our anxiety gives us more power over how we deal with it, and I think you could for sure get there with some help.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My wife doesn't want to have sex
My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Congrats on your upcoming baby!Its possible that the pregnancy is diminishing your wife's sex drive.From everything you describe about your wife, she sounds to not yet have become comfortable with having a wish for sex.The other side of the sex equation is you and your relative ease with having sex and whether it is for physical release or as an expression of love, some of each.Since you talk with each other honestly then start with a dialogue about what you each would like from sex with each other, from perspective of giving and receiving sex.  Hopefully this will open up some new light on your respective feelings.Really, there is a lot to navigate in a conversation about physical and emotional intimacy.  If these are not the types of discussions the two of you are used to having, a couples therapist is a good idea so you both become familiar and learn how to more easily articulate some of your respective deep feelings.
Topic: depression

Question: Is there anything I can do about my depression and anxiety?
I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a number of years. I have been on medication, but lately my depression has felt worse. Can counseling help?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
From whom do you get anti-depressants?This person should be talking with you to know whether the pills are helping or not.Trust your own instinct that the pills aren't helping you.Pills work differently for everyone and not all people feel better from them.It is also possible the particular pills have lost their effectiveness because after around six to eight months, this usually happens.Try to understand what is depressing you.  This is slow work since you may have many theories.Just by addressing your own emotional needs and life structure in a caring and respectful way, may improve your mood so that you'll feel less depressed.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I stop obsessively checking if my boyfriend is cheating?
My dad cheated on my mom for 13 years. I cannot stop obsessing over the fact that my boyfriend might be cheating on me even when I know he isn't. I have full access to his phone, social media, and e-mails. I never find anything, but I'm obsessed with constantly checking just in case. How do I stop this? It's driving a wedge between us.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Greenville, I respect that you're owning your own overreactions, and that you want to give your boyfriend the respect he deserves. The truth is that some people cheat, and some don't, and our partners deserve the benefit of the doubt unless they show signs they can't be trusted.The answer here is in two different areas. Basically, if you want to feel differently (more trusting, in your case), you look at your thoughts, and your behaviours.Your thoughts are stuck... like tires in deep ruts in the road. These thoughts are only habits, they don't reflect the truth. Fear is probably whispering in your ear things like "everyone cheats", or " you're not enough for him". Once you figure out what fear is trying to tell you, picture those words in red next time they come up. Ask yourself what the evidence is that supports that thought (there won't be much...perhaps none), and what is the evidence that doesn't support it (I know lots of good men, I know I deserve love and loyalty, there is no sign of infidelity...). You're learning to refute the thoughts that are connected to the fear. That's the first half. Practise these thoughts.The rest of the work is in your behaviours. Act as though you trust him. Force yourself to not check or interrogate, and the less you check, the less obsessive and untrusting you will feel. Acting "as if" something if true strangely helps us believe it.It's possible to change the way we think, and this is turn changes the way we feel. Try this to start, and see a therapist for support and cognitive behavioural therapy if you want to dive more deeply into why this is happening and how to stop it. Good luck!
Topic: parenting

Question: My son plays alone at recess
Is this something I should be worried about? Should I do something about it?

Answer (from Julissa SparksHealing Minds for Wholeness):
It can be tricky to figure out if a child is truly satisfied with his lack of friendships. Parents can usually tell when their child is happy. But kids who are unhappy may be masking disappointment, perhaps acting out their feelings in an aggressive manner. Others may internalize symptoms, appearing sad or withdrawn. A parent may learn a great deal by asking the teachers questions such as whether the child works with others on group projects or if he eats lunch alone. A parent can also talk with the recess supervisor about what happens on the playground, and whether your child stays on the sidelines of play, unsure of how to join the group. Therespectfully is a difference between kids who are shy but happy and kids who feel isolated because they do not know how to make friends. Itis not necessarily that there is something wrong with that child, but they will in fact need help and suggestions for breaking into a peer group Ask a child if there is someone he would like to have over to play. If a mom or dad can make the play dates happen, or if they hit on an activity the child truly enjoys, the young person may begin to forge friendships on their own. I encourage well-meaning parents to choose words carefully. Use phrases like, "Hey, I noticed something," or "Let me help you be successful." By showing respect, parents should feel more comfortable nudging their children beyond their comfort zone.When to seek professional help. When does isolation raise a red flag for long-term issues? True personality disorders are not typically diagnosed until adulthood. Still, professional counseling should be considered if the anti-social behavior is causing the child significant distress, perhaps keeping him from functioning in everyday activities. Also, parents should pay attention to how the child's social behavior changes over time such as social anxiety. The vast majority of children who define "quality time" as time alone are perfectly happy, healthy and normal. If the child is able to nurture at least one friendship, exhibiting what experts call "social reciprocity," then parents can relax, and can cherish that child who enjoys the pleasure of his or her own company.
Topic: parenting

Question: How should I handle the child I had with my ex-wife?
My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?

Answer (from Candice LawhornOnline & Text Therapy):
The thing that confuses a child the most is for a parent to come and go from their life. Children have a way of making things their fault, even when they have done nothing wrong. Because of this, when parents cut off contact, the child thinks it's their fault. As hard as that already is for a child, it is even worse when a parent pops in and out of their life. This makes the belief even more strong for them. They start to think, "why does dad keep leaving? What am I doing to keep making him go away?"I believe a child needs both parents in their life. Whether she used you for a child or not, that child still exists and never asked for this. They didn't ask to be born into drama and two parents that can't make things work. You can move on and start over while still maintaining a relationship with your child. If you start over far away, this may mean less visits but you'll still be a part of their life. Just make sure when you make a commitment to this child to stick to it. Every child deserves that much. Good luck to you! :-)
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why do I have low self-esteem and lack confidence?
I always need alcohol to feel better and use that as a excuse.

Answer (from Erica FaulhaberEating Disorder & Trauma Therapist):
Check out my latest blog on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this offers you some nuggets of helpfulness!
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I control my anger?
When I see something I don’t like, I go off like a ticking time bomb. I go from “0 to 100” really quickly.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
Sometimes we react to situations immediately, without thinking of the consequences of our actions. Typically by not reacting right away, we are better able to gather our thoughts, see the situation more clearly and from other perspectives, and respond more calmly. One of the strategies that almost always helps is deep breathing. When faced with a stressful situation, you can give yourself a time out by removing yourself from the stress and spend 5 minutes taking deep breaths (breathe in slowly counting to 4 and breathe out even slower counting to 6), while focusing and thinking only about your breathing. After doing so, think of the various ways you can respond to the situation and choose the one most appropriate. Good luck!
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get people to listen?
I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents.
 I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
One of the most difficult challenges we face is not being heard! It is incredibly frustrating and hurtful when others, especially parents, do not listen. While your parents surely love you and want to understand you, it may be difficult for them to fully understand your feelings and experiences. They are quite a bit older and have likely not dealt with some of the struggles that you face. I would suggest communicating your feelings to them about not being heard. Talk to them during a non-emotional moment when the discussion is not already heated. In other words, do not wait until an argument ensues to have an open discussion with them about how you are feeling. Prepare them by asking them what time is good for them to talk. Let them know you have something important to get off your chest. Try and avoid using exaggerated or extreme language such as "you NEVER listen," "you ALWAYS say..." and stray away from placing blame. Instead of beginning your statements with "you" try using "I" by letting them know how their behavior effects you. Finally, let them know that they are important to you and that having their trust and support would mean a lot to you. Perhaps giving them suggestions as to what you wish for and would like to see change would help them to better understand.I would also suggest that you seek guidance from a therapist, teacher, or school counselor if possible. Most schools have counseling resources on sight in which a trained professional is available to talk with students looking for help.Best of luck to you.
Topic: parenting

Question: My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do
I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
   My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?

Answer (from Dr. Theresa MooreEducator, Clinician, Poet):
Hello. It sounds like you and your parents are not balanced in your communication and awareness of expectations. Your growth is not only reflected in your ability to understand and apply new knowledge and skills, it is also reflective of your parents acceptance of your understanding and application. Have you tried talking with your parents to let them know your concerns?This talking is best when face to face and during non active conflict ( can't begin stating rules during an argument, etc). Sometimes it is even helpful to write down ways you feel you can be supported by them and supportive to them. Maybe share this list or reflective piece with them to review, or use when communicating the expectations. Unfortunately, until there are clear expectations stated and expressed, the scale will be uneven and frustrations will increase. Dr. T
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: Why can't I change?
I know I'm ruining my life with a lot of the decisions I make. I consistently tell myself I need to make some serious changes in my life, but I just can't seem to even though I really want to. Why can't I force myself to change?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
In general the reason people aren't able to change is because the person feels a sense of fear to change.What the roots are of this fear are usually easiest to identify by talking with someone whom you trust and feel safe to talk about your inner thoughts and emotions.If you haven't got someone like this in your life, which is common, then shop around for a therapist because a therapist is someone who is professionally trained to listen in a way which helps someone know more about who they are.Be patient with yourself too.  Change sometimes feels much scarier and is more complex than simple compared with whatever you would like to change.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My boyfriend says he doesn't like to do things with me because we fight too much
He owns his own business. Sometimes, he stays out all night but doesn't tell me. We have a son together, and I get to stay home with him. He says I complain too much about what he's doing. We've been together a year and a half. I got pregnant after being together for a month. We moved in together when I had my son in July. Everything was great, and then he started the staying out. He then started not spending time with either of us. I just don't know if I'm doing something wrong. We've talked and he says this is just how he is, but he wasn't like this before.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Congrats on the birth of your son!Your situation sounds painful, lonely, and isolating.And, these features are eating away at your self-confidence.Start by believing in yourself.  The feelings and ideas you describe here would only be arising from within you because they are at the very least, partly true.Ask your boyfriend if he is willing to listen and understand your point of view.  If he does, then hopefully the two of you will more easily talk with one another about the truth of feeling overwhelmed by the quick pace of your courtship and becoming a family.If these discussions continuously include him blaming you for having your own feelings and expecting him to more actively be a part of your and your son's life, then you'll need to start valuing your feelings and what is best for you and your son, by yourself.I send you lots of good luck!
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Why do I still feel a connection with my ex-boyfriend that hurt me very badly?
My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Kevin MimmsBuilding Better Connections):
Hi,I think at the start of counseling it is very common to experience our live in this way. The weight we carry is such a burden, overwhelming, and completely out of control. Or at least it would be if we let it. Usually we have found a way to deal with these feelings and keep ourselves under tight control, even if we can feel ourselves slipping further and further away. Throughout therapy, it is likely you will work through much of this, slowly but surely, and realize that while the way you have coped was useful to you at one time, it isn’t useful to you anymore. I hope this helps.