thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: marriage

Question: My husband doesn't trust me
My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not.

Answer (from Nat RomanMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc RP):
I'm sorry to hear about the trust issues in your relationship. Trust, as you clearly know, is essential to healthy relationships. Past indiscretions or dishonesty can damage this trust and make it really hard to confidence that these things will not happen again despite reassurances. We tend to be very sensitive to betrayal and risks to our relationship security. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort for both parties. On your end, you may need to provide more reassurance and more concrete evidence that you are trustworthy, gestures of transparency (e.g. - giving him more information about where you are going and who you will be with, letting him know when you get texts or emails from people that might give him pause or trigger insecurities), and more patience and empathy for his fears. On his end, he may need to learn to be with his insecurities and fears and ask for reassurance about your love and commitment in ways that do not lead to criticizing you, attempting to control you, or limiting your freedom. If you are not able to come to agreements about how to put his fears to rest without it negatively impacting your life, I would suggest getting some professional help from a marriage counsellor or couples therapist.
Topic: trauma

Question: PTSD is impacting my whole life
I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago.    How can I get my life back?

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
There's so many treatments for PTSD and trauma-related issues.  Your path might look different than what someone else's path looks like, though most people benefit from learning emotional awareness and regulation, increasing tolerance for talking about traumatic situations, and a deep understanding of how to tell the difference between a past vs. present event.  A counselor that you feel connected to can offer you a safe place to explore these areas and come up with a personalized treatment plan.  It's common to feel worse when you're addressing the tough stuff, but there's really no shortcut to healing.  Even if you don't see a counselor, believe in your ability to get through those emotions.  You've probably been enduring some intense emotions if your life is being turned upside-down, so you can definitely make it through whatever is causing you pain--and remember you don't have to do it alone.Bessel Van Der Kolk (basically the leading trauma researcher) has an amazing book called 'The Body Keeps the Score'.  It's the trauma bible. It's all about how the body reacts to and stores trauma, with many different ways to cope.  Trigger warning though--he does share some client stories that involve trauma.  They aren't the bulk of his book but they do show up so just be aware of that.  You can find his book on amazon pretty cheap.You've already reached out and that's a big part of getting your life back.  Keep pushing through!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Denisha ForchMarriage and Family Therapist in CA):
Yes, it is normal to experience many different emotions in therapy because you are dealing with issues and situations that matter to you. Sometimes you may cry, sometimes you may feel joy, and sometimes you may feel relief. Sometimes you might even feel anger. Everything you feel in therapy can be used to help you learn more about yourself and help you grow.
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I be less angry?
I get really mad easily at my parents and family.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Anger is usually pain and frustration which cannot be expressed directly to people in your surroundings.How someone can be less angry is by directly saying your thoughts and feelings.One approach is to to tell either or both parent that you would like them to hear you.Knowing you tried to be heard adds to your own self-respect, regardless of their willingness to do as you ask.If you are simply left with no chance to make yourself understood by them, then look for ways to expand your social support system so you do have people who willingly hear and talk with you.Even if social media groups are the only format available to you, it is at least some type of human interaction and interest in who you are
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away?
My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Answer (from 2nd Chance Counseling Service Online Addiction Therapy ProviderConvenient Online Addiction Therapy ):
Your friend needs to admit they have a problem.  If not no matter how many pills you take they will find a way to get more.  It is also a federal offense to take someone else's medication so if you did take it she could have you arrested.  In other instances it can be more dangerous to take medication away than slowly tapering off of them.  Like anything we put into our system our tolerance builds up and can effect us in different ways.  I would listen to her and discuss why she feels that she needs to be on the medications rather than playing bad cop in this situation.  Encourage her to get help and let her know you re there for her.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Amanda Sieg):
Counselors want to help you process whatever you come into therapy with! They can help guide you with where to start and how to start. Their intake paperwork will ask you questions about your life history so they can help you walk through each area. Don't be afraid to share these things upfront with your therapist so they can set goals with you and help you feel comfortable as you get started. It may take some time to explore the different areas, but that is normal! :)
Topic: relationships

Question: I don't know where the lines should be drawn with my boyfriend's ex
I want us all to get along, but feel that I am not being respected. Of course I do have some insecurities because he was with his ex for 8 years. He wants to see his step daughter and ex makes it so he has to go there to see her, but she doesn't want me around. She has a boyfriend, but mine fixes their vehicles, goes over once a week and hangs out with the ex and does family things with her. Since he works nights, I only see him parts of Friday-Sunday and we live together. He won't let me use his phone when I forgot mine, says his ex used to mess with it. I don't think he's cheating, but he will lie about what time he actually left her place to come home or about going over early to be with them. I feel like the other woman. She has tried to mess with holiday plans by restricting when he can see the child. He only dated once person before her, so this could be why. I don't feel he has let go enough. He is a wonderful boyfriend other than this.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
How much of your unhappiness with your boyfriend's way of handling himself regarding his ex, have you told him?The topics that upset you are the core of any intimate relationship.The good news is your own awareness of priorities and expectations from a partner.There may not be any bad news, depending on whether your boyfriend has the interest to adjust what he does regarding the ex.Talking the matters you list, may open a lot of emotion and become sidetracked very easily.A couples' therapist, whose focus is on the couple, not either of you as individuals, may be useful to you and your boyfriend so that you are able to complete your discussions without getting lost by the emotions raised.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
I think it's important to tease more of this situation out to figure out what is at the root of the stress. It is emotionally dangerous to be at a job for a lengthy duration in which you feel overworked and underpaid. You will not perform well as you mention, and thus your self-esteem will continually take a hit without really any effort. So, I don't know that simply coping with your stress would be advisable as a first step.You don't speak about a lot of what the office dynamics are like, which can be a big indicator for me of what can be done to help you feel better (because we exist as a part of a relationship with everything, including people at our job.) I would encourage you to speak up about your contributions to your boss. Often, "overworked and underpaid" also includes the "my boss never notices me," and that can demoralizing. If we feel appreciated, that can go a long way. I've found that it is quite common for bosses to require some instruction for how to show each of their employees "appreciation" (and it goes deeper than "thank you" or taking you out to lunch - it's almost something felt as opposed to made explicit.)But sometimes appreciation isn't going to do the trick either. Because that overworked and underpaid actually has led you to feel "burnout." You have zero interest in doing the job in the way it is designed, so some real changes need to be implemented. The bottom line? Try not to just "suck it up" and do all of the "self care" work on your own. If your company isn't helping you to take care of yourself (I'm talking to you, boss that handles employee pay and/or work conditions!) then you also have to question if this is a company worth working for. While I don't know exactly what you do, it sounds like you have confidence in your contributions! So take that confidence to a tech company that will support you (and there are tech companies out there!)
Topic: family-conflict

Question: I was duped into getting married to a therapist, but once her immigration status was secure, she bolted
How do I ever trust another woman? I have found myself constantly reading between the lines with every other woman that I meet. I am having a difficult time making any sort of connection to anyone because of her deception and willingness to say and do literally anything in order to control my emotions.
 Once the "relationship" was over, she became extremely abusive and has attempted to intimidate me into silence regarding the many false claims made on her immigration application.

Answer (from Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor):
I'm sorry to hear about that situation. If the woman was your therapist (or had been at one time), this could represent a significant ethical violation when she created a dual relationship with you.Even if you were not her client, this might still be an ethical violation. Counselors are held to a high standard of conduct and honesty at all times.In a situation like this you might consider filing a complaint with the state regulatory board.
Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
I think one of the best things to pass on to our children, or simply one of the best lessons in life, is to learn when to internalize (it's an issue in me) and when to externalize (it's an issue in them), as well as always finding the balance of the two.In this case, you don't seem to be the issue. Sure, living with your parents with your child probably is not your dream scenario, nor your parents'. But, there are ways to process that without someone feeling abused, and your parents clearly have zero ability or boundaries if they are willing to verbally abuse you in front of your child, and their grandchild. If there is a reason they are doing so, I'm sure they think they have a good one. However, the dynamic that they are willingly setting up is problematic. And it is THEIR problem. However, by being strong and not taking in someone's verbal abuse, you are going to role model for your child how it's about what is inside of you, your own drive, that will be what is important, NOT what others say about you. It's important to always come back to yourself inside, and seeing the good that is in you (or even just noticing that it's there, if you can't quite see it in its entirety.)I would also advise your parents to think about their own role modeling.
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: How do I get my partner to stop verbally abusing me?
Every time my partner gets angry for anything, she takes it out on me. Nothing I do is right, and once she's mad, she calls me all kinds of names and is verbally abusive. She says it isn’t abuse, it’s just angry verbal bashing, and that it’s different. It gets worse each time. The names are very vulgar now.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
One thing you could try is to talk to your partner when she's not angry about the following:If she's angry, maybe she can talk with you about what she is angry about rather than calling you names.If she gets angry and then calms down a little while later, maybe one of you can take a timeout in the discussion and set a time when you will come back to it.Discuss what it is that you find acceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what it is that you find unacceptable for you to do during an argumentDiscuss what is acceptable for her to do during an argumentDiscuss what is on acceptable for her to do during an argumentYour partner can answer the same questions related to herself and you.I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have this discussion when there is not an argument going on. Perhaps you could mention that you would like to talk about something that is really important and see if the current time is a good time. If not, consider when in the next 24 to 48 hours would be a good time.It may also be helpful to discuss these ideas with a local therapist. The therapist may also be able to help both of you figure out where the anger is coming from and where she has learned to react this way.If it is abuse, it may be even more difficult to have these important discussions. It may be helpful for you to see a local therapist by yourself to assess things like physical and emotional safety.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: My husband and I are separated. I'm so scared of getting divorced
I keep on begging him to come back. I am so unhappy with him but am so scared of being a single parent to our son. I was abused as a little girl and that has made to be very abusive to men. What should I do...

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Major change frightens almost everybody.Don't be so afraid of your fear that you let yourself beg and are willing to accept unhappiness as a standard in your marriage.If you start considering that life can be better than what is current for you now, new possibilities and ideas will start developing in your mind.Consider finding a therapist so that you have private space to talk in detail about your fears and the new ways of seeing your Self.A therapy relationship, since it is safe and supportive, will be a good balance to having been abused, suffered, and unhappy.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I tell a girl that I crossdress?
I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out.    How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
It would be my professional opinion that the desire for you to keep it a secret at all, while yes I could see it as "giving you a chance with a girl," is something that might be more about a discomfort for you. If you are comfortable with your kinks and fetishes (if I may call it such, not my intention to pathologize in any way though), then be as open as you want to be. But I also don't know that you need to be announcing it as part of your online dating profile (because you do say it "bothers girls I ask out" which to me implies that that is what you're leading with.) My hope is that people don't make dating decisions based on your kinky behaviors, but more likely that they would make decisions based on your own comfort and security with said kinky behaviors.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer (from Marquita JohnsonLPC, MDiv, NCC, DCC):
Seasonal depression can be difficult due to the weather being a primary trigger. Understanding that we have very little control over the weather, therefore we can focus on the things we can change. Exercising, meditation, guided imagery, and deep breathing can be beneficial to combat seasonal depression. It may help to join a support group and seek out therapy to assist you on this healing journey.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: I just lost my grandpa
I just lost my grandpa and i'm having a rough time with it.    I need some help to deal with the loss, but I don’t think I can pay for counseling. Where Can I get help?

Answer (from Maggi HorsemanUnconscious material, symbols, and self-knowledge ):
Your local hospice will have grief support groups and free community counseling available with bereavement counselors who are expects with grief and loss.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I can't have a drink without panicking

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
Hello!  There's not a lot of information here, but I have a couple thoughts about what could be happening for you.My first thought is what we know about the effect of alcohol on the body.  It's a depressant, meaning it slows down your central nervous system functioning--including your heart rate, breathing, etc.  It also decreases activation in the part of the brain that deals with inhibition.  How that relates to panicking could be very specific to your experiences and your own body's reaction, though it's a possibility that those bodily sensations trigger panic for you.  If you've been in a traumatic situation in the past, your body may be at a heightened level of awareness or vigilance. Letting your guard down (common with drinking) can feel too vulnerable for people with a history of trauma because the body feels open to attack without those extra layers of vigilance.   So that's one possibility.The second thought I have is that along with feeling vulnerable, there may be a fear of loss of control.  Alcohol tends to shut down the part of the brain that basically operates as a CEO.  When that area of the brain is offline, more emotions are able to come through.  Pair that with the loss of physical control you may feel and that could be the perfect storm for a panic attack.The third thought I have is that you may just have an intolerance to alcohol.  I'm not an expert on allergies or intolerances, so if you are truly concerned about your reaction to alcohol, it could be worth your time to visit a doctor.  Even if you don't have anything medical going on, a doctor may know what direction to point you in based on your specific circumstances.  Keep in mind also that alcohol does not mix with many medications.  If you are taking any prescription medications, make sure to ask your doctor about risks/side effects/interactions.  There could be some information there to make sense of your symptoms.Keep that curiosity going and an answer will soon come!
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Christopher Michael, Ph.D.Claremont, CA Psychologist):
One way is to bring one's concerns or desires to the therapist directly, rather than trying to subtly 'train' them. Here's why I say that: One quite important healing factor in a psychotherapy is discovering that problems in the therapy and the therapeutic relationship can be solved together. It is a safety zone or bridge for practicing that. If it can be done with a trained, usually safe person (the therapist), the client might think, wow--what are the implications for my outside life and relations? Could I get what I want outside of therapy, too, even if it feels not as safe?If the therapist can deal with feedback (and any good therapist should be able to), this can be very productive. Cooperation in this way, in the moment, with a live person who is supposed to have authority and knowledge in these matters, can be profoundly healing.If the therapist can't take feedback or doesn't want to--or does nothing to act on it--maybe we could say the client has the wrong therapist.
Topic: intimacy

Question: What should I do about my marriage and my wife's behavior?
My wife and I got separated because I asked about her contact with a male friend of hers. The next day, she kicked me out. She let me move back two days later. Yesterday, she said she wanted a divorce then quickly changed her mind. I asked if the other guy was a factor, but she says it's not my business.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
This has to be very confusing.I wonder if the two of you would be able to have a conversation about what it is that she would like you to know about what happened yesterday and the day before so you know what message she wanted you to get out of all of that.I would also recommend seeing a local mental health professional. If you go yourself, you could at least discuss your marriage and your own thoughts and feelings about it. If you go together, I would suggest you see a therapist who specializes in couples.
Topic: parenting

Question: Is it strange that a male family member always want to play with my toddler daughter?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Without knowing the male family member's reason for always wanting to play with your toddler, yes, it is strange.Find out if the person has a reason for his preference and what this is.Are they studying child development in school and observing your toddler in order to write a paper?Is your male family member very shy or doesn't care for the other people in the household and plays with your toddler as a way to avoid this?You don't have to ask this one, simply observe and add this to what you already know about the person.If no clear and respectable reason exists for your male family member's preference to play with your toddler, then I would definitely not allow the two of them to be alone together.