thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: Is it appropriate to give my counselor a bottle of wine for Christmas?
I am an international student, and it is my first semester in graduate school in the United States. I faced a cultural shock, and I was so depressed when I arrived here. My counselor in the university was my savior. He helped me a great deal. Now I am going back to my country for a vacation. I was thinking to get him something special with my country's name on it, and I remembered that he likes wine. My country is known for that. Is it appropriate to give him wine as a gift after Christmas?

Answer (from Lola Georgwww.GeorgAssociates.com):
I don't think it's appropriate to give your counselor a bottle of wine. Your counselor helped you and supported you, which is great, But a gift is inappropriate. I can understand that you want to show your gratitude. There are many other ways to do that. You could drop your counselor a note or card, thank him in person, or tell him how much he helped you. These small gestures can be very meaningful for both of you.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I deal with my depression?
I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone.    How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?

Answer (from Kim HollingdaleMind-Body Approaches to Stress, Depression & Anxiety):
It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?
I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

Answer (from Evan Podolak, PsyDCognitive Behavioral Therapist):
It is not unusual to believe that we know what other people are thinking about and feeling towards us.  These beliefs, which can sometimes be quite upsetting, are based on our own life experiences, including previous interactions with family, friends and strangers.  No matter how good we think we are at "reading" others, we don't usually know what someone else is thinking.  Additionally, low self-esteem may lead us to assume that we could never meet others' expectations or that other people couldn't possibly have positive thoughts about or feelings towards us.  Assumptions like these may unnecessarily lead to negative emotional states.  One method of coping with these thoughts is cultivating a sense of curiosity.  For example, asking for direct feedback may point out the overly critical nature of our own thoughts.  Another technique is to use a balanced self-appraisal.  For example, you could ask yourself, "What did I do well here and what would I do differently in the future?"  This approach has the benefit of recognizing our own strengths while also employing a growth mindset.  Additionally, by using a present-focused appraisal, we avoid engaging in the belief that we should have done better in the past.  Rather, we have the opportunity to improve with the information we learn in the present.  A therapist may also be helpful in exploring and coping with these thoughts.
Topic: intimacy

Question: What can I do about my boyfriend being so close with another girl?
My boyfriend has this close female friend. It always bothered me because of how close they are, so I decided to meet her. That made the situation worse because they were even closer than what I thought. They acted like a couple rather than friends with each other. There was no physical interaction, but he talks to this girl a lot. What can I do? Leaving him isn't an option.

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
I wonder if you could have a conversation with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. A few things may help with that:Try having the conversation you are both able to have a conversation about something that is important (for example, not during a commercial for a TV show)Maybe your boyfriend will be willing to listen to you for about five minutes asking questions to learn more about your experience, kind of like an investigative reporter wouldSee if your boyfriend is able to capture the essence of what you're saying by summarizing it for youRemember that hearing you and following what you're saying does not mean that he agreesAlso consider if there are events in your past that are affecting the way you are looking at this relationship between your boyfriend and this other girl (we all bring our own histories into relationships and we unconsciously expect that what has worked in other relationships will work in current ones)Then you can switch so that you can hear more about what he is experiencing (for example, what it is that he likes about her)Also consider having a discussion that if one of you becomes very emotional and needs a break from the discussion, discuss having a timeout that will last for a certain time frame (usually between 15 minutes and one hour) and then come back to continue the discussionRemember that the goal here is just to learn more about what each of you is going through, not to find a solution right awayThis can be difficult. Consider working with a couples therapist to discuss it together.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I best fight the winter blues?
Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Answer (from Jennifer GerlachYour Story Matters):
I am glad that you are getting ahead of this by noticing this seasonal pattern to your depression. Winter depression (seasonal affective) is something that affects a lot of people both people who also deal with other kinds of depression that happens to get worse in the winter as well as people who just deal with depression in the winter. Light affects how our bodies release and absorb neurotransmitters such as serotonin and most believe that a major contributing factor for winter depression is that we get less light when it is colder outside and darker outside. Exposure to light can make a big difference. If you are someone who is awake during the day (not someone who works the night shift :) )---one simple change you can make is keeping your curtains in your bedroom light enough as to let some light in in the morning. This will give you light right off the start of the day and can make it easier to get going in the morning. Beyond this, keeping windows cleared from blinds so that you get that natural light or even taking a short 10 or 15 minute walk each day can get you both light and exercise to help fight off the depression. Outside this, as others have suggested a light box is a popular method of warding off the depression however some of these may expose you to UV light and so this is something to check in with both with the light box manufacturer and with your doctor to make sure you have a good understanding of the risks and benefits for that. Lastly, just making sure you continue to do things that lift your mood, that you have time with other people, and that you reach out if you do find yourself in a space of needing help are all things you can do to ward off the depression. Wishing you well!
Topic: trauma

Question: PTSD is impacting my whole life
I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago.    How can I get my life back?

Answer (from Viktoria IvanovaYou are a warrior! Every day you wake and face the excitement and challenges of the world. At times, we all need a guide to get us through the tough times on our life journey. Together, we will decipher mysteries of life. ):
Hi there, I hear you, PTSD has a very debilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable! First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself with compassion and kindness that you would extend a friend who is hurting. The second step is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success! You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllcOne last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc)
Topic: social-relationships

Question: How do I stop a bully who adults wouldn't recognize as bullying without speaking to the bully?
She mostly targets me on social media. The bullying used to be much worse, but it is still going on. The comments are so vague, but I know that they are meant for me. Even when I confront her, she messages me short phrases to try to get in my head. If I try to fight back, she will ruin me.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Sorry to hear of your problem situation.  Feeling intimidated by another person is very unsettling.Stop having contact with the person.Bullies only interact with others either by intimidating someone or by themselves feeling intimidated by someone.Bullies do not have the same dynamics as everyone else.No one can convince or persuade or talk a bully out of their behavior.The best protection for yourself, assuming you are not being physically threatened by the person, is to close contact with them.This does not take away any of the disappointment or sadness of wishing for a better relationship with the person.Until the bully wants to interact differently with others, only harm can result from contact with them.Step one is to stop the bleeding, then to assess and learn to live with not having the person in your life.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I end it?
How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Answer (from Krista Harper, MA, LMFTLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Georgia and Hawaii):
This can be a very challenging decision, and it may take time for you to sort through all of your feelings about the relationship and its possible end. Therapy can help you have a space to be completely honest with yourself about your relationship as you grapple with your decision of whether to remain with your boyfriend. Your therapist can ask questions to guide you in uncovering your true feelings about whether this is the right relationship for you, and he or she can support you in whatever decision you come to.
Topic: trauma

Question: My past is holding me back from my future. How can I get my life back?
There are issues from my past that have me very heavily burdened in my heart. I've been torn for so many years and I need help so I can move on with my life.
   I experienced trauma when I was 8 years old and I did come out about it until I was 40.
   Now I know this is what's holding me back on my happiness. I've met a very loving and caring man but because I'm holding on to these things from my past I’m pushing him away.
   How can I get my life back?

Answer (from Shelly Kessingerwww.friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com):
You already are doing that! You are reaching out (virtually still counts!). You are accepting your past, you are not denying what happened to you, you are talking about the past. You are already doing a great job of starting this journey. You get your life back by doing things differently.I would think about how you would like to process your past. Do you want to talk to someone? Do you want to write about it? Do you want to pray about it? Do you want to read and research books about trauma? Take some time and think about what you want to do. Think about what would work for you and dive in. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, so I am biased - but I really believe that counseling works. Having an objective, professional voice that can guide you on this process is so valuable. But please choose what makes you feel comfortable - not what everyone else says. I think you are very brave for reaching out and wanting to work on this. That takes a tremendous amount of courage and strength.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How can I cope with work related stress better?
I am in a high stress position for a tech company. I am being overworked and underpaid for my contributions and it is not only giving me anxiety, but also demoralizing.
   What can I do to manage my stress?

Answer (from Reggie Smith, LPC, CTP, CCATPTexas Couples, Anxiety, Trauma therapist):
Hola. I understand.  I worked 27 years in a sales & management environment in corporate before transitioning towards my area of purpose.  I hear a couple different things here.  One, I hear that your job is stressful (I know, thanks Capt Obvious).  Secondly, that you are not compensated based on your appraisal of your contributions, Third, and maybe the core or at least closest to it - not being recognized or seen for your contributions.  Did I get that right?  if so, then I see the link between being demoralized and being stressed/having anxiety.  Be curious and ask yourself, "What irks me the very most?", "What is the one thing that could be done that would help me feel better" Typically money is not the root of many workplace issues. Often its direct supervisor, not being valued (ding?!), harassment, misaligned values, favoritism, and then money does come up.  As a mental health professional, we believe in empowering the individual to have increased agency over their situations/lives.  You can practice and then bring up the issue to your supervisor(s) but first chat through it with a good friend or counselor or coach.  They can give some specific things to do based on more detail of your situation.
Topic: grief-and-loss

Question: How can I end the grief of my son's passing?
It's now the 18th anniversary of my son's passing. The pain has not gotten any easier to deal with. Each year from the time he is born to the time he passed. I break down into a spinning depression. Nothing I have tried or read helps in anyway.

Answer (from Eileen Moran):
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get over a person I fell in love with?
I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before.    I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people.
   How can I get myself to just move on?

Answer (from Sally highNo more coping skills. It's time to eliminate fear.):
There is no wrong or right way to define a relationship. I believe each relationship we are in is an opportunity to expand and to know self on a deeper level. We are conditioned to believe that we are not valued, or worth much without the confirmation of others and the world around us. Give yourself time and try to not go to those who are toxic and enjoy the drama of others lives as s way to avoid looking at themselves.
Topic: relationships

Question: My ex-boyfriend and I broke up about 3 months ago and now he wants me back
I'm currently dating someone else and I really like him. But I love and miss my ex so much. What do I do?

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
Finding the right person is a tricky thing to do. Why did you and your ex break up 3 months ago? In relationships with others you get to see a reflection of yourself. Sometimes you may enjoy that reflection, other times it may not feel so good. I'm not sure where you are in your life and relationships and what you do from here depends on what you desire more of in your life. But I'm not simply talking in the moment desire, I'm referring to the direction you want your life to go. If one of these guys was to support you...who would help you reach your dreams? And who would you enjoy spending time with? It's complicated and no one can answer the 'what to do' question but you. Slow down. Tune into your heart. Listen.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I've been having the same dream since I was a child
I am a teenage girl. I've been seeing the same dream once in a while since I was very young. The problem is that I don't remember anything about this dream. I still know that it's the same one, and then I wake up in a panic, and I cry really loud without knowing the reason. Why do I see the same dream, why can I not remember it, and what should I do to remember it?

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
There is no scientifically established formula for understanding dreams, that I know about, however, many people get a great deal of value from exploring what their dreams mean. It is believed by many that our dreams contain metaphors that represent meaningful patterns in our lives and relationships and if we pay attention to them we can learn important things about ourselves. One thing you might try, to see if you can get more insight into the dream and possibly begin remembering things, is to take note of whatever you do remember, any details about your experience, such as when do you wake up from the dream, how do you feel, both emotionally and physically, what are you thinking about when you wake up, is there any pattern in terms of what happens to you in your waking life around the time you have this dream... If you can keep a journal or a recording device to speak into by your bed, you can try to record whatever you do remember and notice as soon as you wake up. People seem to have more difficulty remembering dreams, the more time they let go by before attempting to record the dream, or if you go back to sleep before recording what you remember.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: I did something I can't get over
I was with my friends fishing by a pond. I found a frog and stabbed it with my friend's knife. I'm not sure why I did it. My friends saw me do it it and were shocked and got really mad at me.
   Now if someone brings it up I get really upset and panicked. I don't know why I feel like this. Does this mean there is something wrong with me?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
The good news is your awareness that being violent to animals feels out of character for you.   I'm glad you have awareness and I'm glad you are not at ease with killing frogs.Fairly likely that you were acting out aggressively toward the frog, feelings of being on the receiving side of similar type of violence.Basically, you did unto the frog what someone has or to you, feels like, has been done to you.Use your surprising finding of how strong your anger and most likely inward pain.   Reflect on your closest relationships and how these people treat you.   It is possible you feel more hurt by someone who is close to you than you ever realized.Stabbing innocent frogs is wrong.  It is understandable as a way to show you how much inner pain you probably have.It is also wrong that someone close to you hurt you.The direction to go is to recognize your pain and then decide how to go about changing what is possible on your side of that or those relationship(s).
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I deal with the anger problems I've gained from my soon-to-be husband?
I been having anger problems a lot lately. It only takes one word wrongly said to set me off. I use to not be like this until I got with my soon-to-be husband. I think his mood and rage/anger problems have rubbed off on me a lot. I don't get nearly as bad as he does, but I yell almost constantly and I can't seem to just stop. I have two young babies that have to hear this, and I don't want my girls growing up with a mommy like I have been lately. I just don't know how to get back to my old self.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
With me knowing that a healthy relationship usually includes respect, trust, appreciation, companionship, spiritual solidarity, domestic support, feeling of being cherished, and  sensuous affection, I am wondering if you are lacking in several if not all of these needs in your present relationship.  Before he becomes your husband, you should examine these areas and see if they are high in rating.  Otherwise, yes this relationship will affect your girls and you negatively.  I would suggest relationship counseling, specifically pre-marital.  Not be surprised if through the process you realize that this relationship is not the best choice for you and your children.
Topic: relationships

Question: I want to become a better man
I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Answer (from Reid StellReid Stell Counseling):
The best tool for becoming a better listener that I know of is called Imago Dialogue. It consists of 3 steps:1. Mirroring what she says (without judging, commenting, refuting, defending, arguing, or scoffing--just listening, no matter the content) and repeating it back, word-for-word. Continue to ask if she has more to add until she doesn't.2. Validating. You tell her you you understanding why she feels this way. (If you don't understand, then find a way.) You can also say, "That makes sense" or "I hear you" or "I get that."3. Empathizing. Tell her how you think she must feel about what she's telling you. Your job is to try and feel what it feels like to be her.This is a very different way of communicating than we're used to. My guess is that the arguments, discussions, and debates you've had with her have been counterproductive because you're both trying to win. With Imago Dialogue, you both win. She gets to be heard and you get to hear for a change.At the end of the exercise, switch roles. For more info: http://imagorelationships.org/pub/about-imago-therapy/imago-dialogue-101/