thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Laura Zane-NwagbaraochaEmpath, Authentic, Therapist, Wife, Mom):
Hi. Bright kids often have a sense of perfectionism....when they are smart they often do not get to many opportunities to fail early in life because they adapt quickly. IAs they get older, they feel failure, and it can trigger anxiety. If you find she is sensitive in other areas, like really in tune with things happening in the world, highly aware of fair versus unfair, startles easily, is sensitive to smells, sights or fabrics, etc, she may be a highly sensitive child (check out Elaine Aron's website HSPersons.com) there is a great quiz on there and high sensitive and being bright have a correlation. A skilled therapist that is used to working with high functioning kiddos should be able to help let you know if it is anxiety due to pefectionism or if there is something else going on.  A lot of times school has support groups that can help as well, so try checking with your daughter's school guidance counselor.  It is okay to talk with her about how we learn from our mistakes.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How can I let go of a relationship when the woman is married?
We've been seeing each other for six years. She has a teenage daughter, and she don't want to break the family up.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
What changed that after six years you raise the question of what to do about this relationship?Had you hoped until now that she would leave?If this is so, and she clearly told you she will continue in her marriage, then the control is in your hands now as to how long you are willing to continue in the relationship as it is currentlyEmotionally releasing from a relationship takes much longer than the time to simply announce your departure from it.Emotions change gradually, whereas whether or not in real, practical time the two of you will continue seeing each other, is a clear and straightforward choice.If you decide your best interest is in leaving, then do so.  Your emotions will take a while to catch up.This is difficult and painful to do, only it sounds like staying is even more difficult.
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: My sexual partner wants me to reimburse him on a hotel room
I was having a sexual relationship with a coworker. He decided he was going to get a hotel room for the weekend. Before I got paid, I told him I would have $25.00, which I thought I would. But when I saw my paycheck, I could not pay the $25.00. He says I lied to him about it. He wants me to reimburse him $25.00 for the hotel room he decided to get. He stayed at the hotel, and I left. I don't think it's right that he want me to reimburse him $25.00 for a hotel room he wanted to get in the first place. He is out of town right now and texted me yesterday telling me I am a liar and that I should never said I was going to have $25.00 when I knew I wasn't. I told him I had to pay rent and my rent was late. He texted me saying I need to get two or three jobs.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. It really is up to you to decide if you owe him the $25.00. If you feel like it is the right thing to do based on your discussion with him, then pay when you can. I am actually much more concerned with how he is treating you over $25.00. I know that it can be a lot of money if you don't have much, but that doesn't give someone the right to call you names and harass you through texts. You may want to take some time and think about your relationship and make sure that these are the qualities and behaviors you want in a sexual partner. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Topic: relationships

Question: How can I keep a long distance relationship going?
We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will.   The military may add stress.This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.
Topic: human-sexuality

Question: How do I deal with sexual tension?
I have been experiencing a lot of sexual tension with a lot of the guys that I talk to nowadays. I keep imagining having sex with them. I have never had sex before, nor have I had a boyfriend. I feel lonely and empty. I feel like my body is not okay, and I am missing something. I talk to so many boys in school, and I always fantasize about half of them. I want this feeling to stop because it is interfering with my time to study since most of the time, I am busy thinking about sex.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Montreal, I'm glad you wrote. What you're experiencing is normal. We're sexual beings. We have a built-in desire to connect sexually with others, because it feels good, to keep procreation going, and mostly to "connect" with other people, because connecting with others makes us feel fulfilled and valuable. Sexual desire is a healthy part of you. Maybe your body is telling you it wants to dive into that water and taste it instead of just staring at it? It sounds like you're beginning to explore yourself sexually, and that's okay.At your young age, you also have another innate burning desire, and that is to know yourself. I see both of these desires burning and competing in you. It's a bit of a crazy time...you want to connect with others but you're not sure who you are or what you want from them. You want to know yourself but you can't learn about yourself in a vacuum. It's okay to trust your instincts. It's okay to connect sexually with others, as long as you're preventing disease and pregnancy and you know how to protect your boundaries. But even as I write this, I think maybe I'm being controlling and overprotective of you; it's your body and you're in charge of what happens to it! (But I do want you to be safe...whatever that means to you). Maybe talk to someone you trust. With each encounter you have with other people (sexual or not), you will learn more about yourself and what you want, both sexually and just in relationship or friendship. You will develop a sense of who you are.Have you tried to get to know yourself sexually? This is a super place to start, and knowing how your own body works can give you confidence when you eventually connect with others. When you explore your own body, what feels good? What brings you to orgasm? I wish you well as you explore both who you are and how it feels to connect with others safely. :)
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I slow down and enjoy life?
I feel like my time is going too fast

Answer (from Keisha HelmsMS Counseling Psychology):
Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!
Topic: depression

Question: Might I have depression?
I sleep a lot. Music changes my mood. I cry every Wednesday. My mind is like a maze that even I get lost in. I don't usually feel my true emotions, but instead, I get fake mirrored ones.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
What happens in your life on Wednesdays that you feel like crying?   Crying is natural.  Crying on Wednesdays may also be natural if some type of regular event or situation comes up for you then that you don't like, feel oppressed by and have no way of avoiding.Maybe you would qualify for a diagnosis for depression.This matters less than what you will do with a diagnosis.  Very often people feel some type of relief from hearing a professional tell them what they "have".Don't let yourself get talked into taking pills because now you "have something".  Pills change your mood.Only you can change your life.The diagnosis matters so the therapist gets paid from insurance.It is a good sign that you know whether you feel true emotions or fake ones.  This is a clear sign of knowing about yourself.Your mind feeling like a "maze" is a little too vague to know if you mean there are too many thoughts at once so that you have difficulty knowing which ones to examine first, or if "maze" means you don't know what your thoughts are and  feel lost for this reason.Depression which is addressed by a person can become quite liberating because you will remove what bothers you so much in your life that it weighs you down and depresses you.
Topic: parenting

Question: How can I help my son succeed in life when he refuses it?
When my son was a teenager, we sent him to live with his dad because of the constant disrespectful attitude. A week after he graduated, his dad made him leave because of the same issues. All four parents tried to talk to him, and he just refuses help all around. He is now living with his grandparents. He had a job, and took steps to get his license and an insured vehicle. I thought he was heading down the right road, and then he tells me he quit his job because he didn’t like it. I just don’t know what to do.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Probably the best way to be supportive of your son is to tell him what bothers you about the way he's handling himself.If you'd like him to work with your suggestions then before you make critical comments be sure to validate his strong points and to recognize his natural talents.People are much more likely to take advice if the person feels the criticism is spoken by someone who respects them and isn't only critical of them.Offer your availability to talk with him if you genuinely feel available to speak with him in a non-judgmental way.
Topic: self-esteem

Question: How do I forgive myself for past mistakes?

Answer (from Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner):
Just like when you were in school, mistakes are opportunities to learn and refine ourselves. Someone wise once said, mistakes are our teachers. None of us are  perfect, and we all make mistakes at one time or another. Don't be hard on yourself, and find a way to practice self-acceptance. Fallibility is part of being human.
Topic: trauma

Question: I have nightmares and flashbacks about a past relationship
I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Answer (from Locke Curfman):
Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse.  If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may "know" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a "wall" in your current relationship.  The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse.  Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed.  There are likely reminders (called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences.  This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you.  However, you likely feel as if you are not in control.    The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship.  I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship.  With a good support network in place, healing is very possible.
Topic: trauma

Question: PTSD is impacting my whole life
I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago.    How can I get my life back?

Answer (from Erin Pritchard, MA, LPCC-S | EMDR IntensivesSea Glass Counseling and Consultation):
Sounds like you are really experiencing a rough time. I applaud you for recognizing the need for change. Healing is possible! Find a good therapist you feel safe with who specializes in trauma and PTSD. They will work with you to help you learn healthy coping skills, feel safe in your body again, manage emotions, and improve your relationships.
Topic: parenting

Question: Our grandson wants to talk to his estranged mom
We are the legal guardianship of our grandson. He has been acting out, and he wants to talk to his mom that has not talked to him since before last year. How are we to handle this?

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Boone, This depends a lot on his age and the situation. The younger the child is, in general, the more I would see this as your decision, not his. A child of any age should be listened to carefully about these matters, but just because a child has unresolved issues about a parent doesn't necessarily mean that having contact is a good solution. Some questions... Was the parent harmful to the child? Is the parent likely to be harmful to the child? How likely is it to be a positive experience? Do you have any contact with the parent? You may want to speak with the parent first to determine whether they are in a stable enough place to allow this to happen.  I would start by asking the child more about what is on his mind. What does he want to get out of a visit with the parent? Is it to see them and know the parent is okay, to get an apology, to apologize for a perceived hurt, to have regular contact, to find out if they are loved...? What does he hope mom or dad might do or say in the visit? There are many possible goals this child might have in mind. This will give you a sense of what's missing for the child; what need are they trying to fill. Once you know the need, try to determine the likelihood of that need being met successfully through contact.Once you determine the risk of the child's need not being met, then you decide whether it makes sense.  The older the child, the more able they are to determine this with you or for themselves. There are other options than a face-to-face. He can write to his mom or dad, text or email. It's likely that the child is looking for a sense that he is loved, wanted, worth some effort. When a child is separated from a parent, they tend to blame themselves. Whether he sees the parent or not, he will need extra love, attention and support than a child who has two loving, present parents. I wish him the best and I'm grateful for the love and support you continue to give your grandson. You're very special!
Topic: parenting

Question: I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter
There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat.    She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
   I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation.  Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you,  you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not.
Topic: depression

Question: My parents are getting a divorce and I feel depressed
I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.

Answer (from Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC, NCCRecovery and Wellness Expertise):
It sounds like a tough time and it's normal to feel down when your family is going through a divorce or other hardship. There's a difference between feelings like sadness, discouragement, grief, loneliness and depression, though. Sadness is sadness and sometimes we have to go through a grieving or other process, that is a normal reaction to events in our lives. Depression, on the other hand, is more about being stuck. Lulling yourself with self-care sounds like a healthy response and a way to give yourself support. So as to the uncomfortable but healthy part of your feelings, do the best you can to put names to it and share with a trusted other person. You will find comfort. The part of your situation that's depression -- feeling stuck, not able to get out of bad, concentrate, changes in sleeping and eating, loss of enjoyment in living, poor hygiene, feelings of hopelessness, that's different. First step, identify your own symptoms of depression. If you have any thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone. If you're not sure, you can try 800-lifenet or other support line to get feedback. First aid for depression includes: daily care and feeding, good sleeping and eating, lots of exercise--even when you don't feel like it-- healthy socializing, and focusing on talking to yourself in a positive way. If you aren't able to move yourself out of your depression,  work with a professional to make short-term goals and get some support. You may also talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about trying an anti-depressant to give you a little lift while you go through a rough patch.Best wishes,Karen
Topic: trauma

Question: Is it possible for a person to stop feeling emotions?
I was raped a couple months ago, Since then, along with other unfortunately events that have occurred, I have been having trouble feeling emotions. It's almost as if I'm a sociopath lacking any feeling. What can I do to change this?

Answer (from Kathy HicksCounseling and Psychotherapy Services):
You are describing a very legitimate reaction to trauma.  Rape is an aweful experience and I am very sorry that happened to you.  When horrible things happen, people often react in a way that interferes with the ability to live a normal life and function the way they did in the past.  This is very common and the goal is to help you manage the stress caused by dealing with negative events and with help you can regain emotional well-being.  This is especially important if you have had more than one negative thing happen.  Oftentimes, the unconscious reaction is to become numb and avoid all feelings, especially if more than one negative event occurred.  A big part of what causes people trouble are feelings of guilt.  We often blame ourselves when bad things happen. It is actually difficult to comprehend the concept that we don't always have control of what happens in life.  In addition, when you mentioned feeling like a sociopath, it sounded like you feel like your reaction is wrong.  The first thing you can do is realize that your feelings and reactions are o.k., you aren't doing anything wrong, and nothing is wrong with you.  The next step is to start dealing with the impact of these traumatic experiences. Identifying your feelings, and knowing the thoughts and beliefs that are behind those emotions can help you regain your sense of happiness.  Research shows that understanding and expressing those thoughts and feelings can help.  If doesn't sound like you need to do anything to change yourself, but talking to a counselor can be helpful in managing your reaction to a incredibly traumatic experience.  I hope this helps you understand your feelings and can get to a place where you enjoy life.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Oh dear.From what you write, your husband doesn't have any interest to know about you and your sad feelings.Stay clear in understanding that you already did your part by asking him to listen and care about the way you feel.In this example, he told you he doesn't care.Its up to him to open his mind and heart to you.Depending on how motivated to continue asking him to hear you, try until you feel satisfied that you've given him enough chances to know who you are.   At a certain number of tries at this, you'll either have success or not.Just don't try forever because doing so will increase your depressed feelings.