thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Answer (from David RouttPresident and Clinical Counselor at Totius Therapies):
The most important thing to ask yourself here is, "how did this action affect my relationship, and is it worth the consequences?" Regardless of your intentions in this action, your boyfriend is uncomfortable with this type of behavior. From here, we can objectively decide if spending time with your previous partner (because that is likely what your boyfriend sees them as) is worth harming the relationship you currently have. It is very rare that a person would be comfortable with their partner spending more than a very little amount of time with their exes. Many times, it just gives the wrong impressions. It is very possible that your partner may believe that since you spend so much time with them, that they are still a contender for the most intimate relationship you have to offer, and truth be told, they kind of are. The best intimate relationships, are friendships first and foremost. It is also a good thing to consider what you are getting out of the relationship with your ex that you are not getting out of the relationship with your current boyfriend. If you go to this person for emotional support before your boyfriend, then it is very likely you're involved in some "emotional infidelity". When we turn to others instead of our partner, it is as if we "ran into another person's arms" instead of theirs. No matter who you are, that hurts.
Topic: intimacy

Question: Is it wrong for me to be attracted to my girlfriend?
I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

Answer (from Brandon CoussensCouples Counseling, Premarital Counseling and Sex Therapy):
The short answer is, NO! It is not wrong for you to be attracted to your girlfriend. You are a perfectly healthy person. When puberty hits, hormones start changing and it is a natural to be interested and attracted to others. It may feel wrong, especially if you are a Christian and have grown up in that home due to the messages that are sometimes sent your way. But as a Christian myself and a counselor, I remind people that every human is made with a very similar biological make-up. If humans did not have an innate attraction to others, then the human race would not survive because we would not marry or have children. You are not a pedophile!
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: Should I end it?
How do I decide if I should end my relationship with my boyfriend?

Answer (from Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive):
This is a tough decision to make for anyone that has ever been involved in a relationship.  My advice is for you to consider what is making you unhappy in this relationship.  Sometimes we think we are ready to move on but don't know the reason why and then we regret it.  The worst thing you want after the fact is to have regret.  Take time to do some soul searching and imagine your life without this person before you make any decisions.  This will also help you understand what it is you are looking for in a romantic relationship. Best of luck in your love life. Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Eric Rhinehart, LMFT, LAADC, CCMI-M, CIPER Interventions & Therapy Services):
Choosing the right therapist and finding the right fit is difficult.  There are many therapists from all walks of life that use different styles and modalities. I think the connection established between therapist and client is key to the entire therapeutic process and may require more than one session to truly feel out if one therapist is the right fit. It's important to feel comfortable around your therapist.  Try asking the therapist questions about their background history, credentials, experience in the field, etc., to truly get a gauge on what you think about starting this journey with this therapist.  You can view this as almost like you interviewing someone for a specific job and trying to find the best person and most qualified to address your needs. I find this has been helpful for my clients who choose to see me.  As we all know, therapists are ordinary people too with differing personalities. Taking the first step to participate in therapy takes courage, so go into it with an open mind and see if the connection happens organically and if it doesn't after a few sessions than it's ok to seek out another therapist. Feeling connected and safe is important in our work together as therapist and client. Remember it's not a sprint it's a marathon.
Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from Valerie Saisi, NCC, LPCParenting, Child, and Family Therapist ):
I can't imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you that you are right to be concerned about your children baring witness to this abuse.  This is a great teachable moment for your kids.  How you handle yourself will be very important for your children to see.  Your "REACTION" is what you should focus on.  Will you react with rage and name calling? Will you listen to your parents with respect and talk to them in private about how they are speaking to you in front of your kids?  Will you talk your kids about what is going? From reading this I am assuming you live with your parents.  If this is the case you have to think about what you can do to change your situation.  Have a plan! Set a goal!  Don't lose hope!
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer (from Lauren GoldsteinGLBTQ Affirmative Relationship Therapist for individuals and couples):
"Normal" can be an insidious word to use because it can undermine your sense of worth.  It implies there's one particular way you should be behaving and can leave you feeling crappy and "abnormal" if you're not behaving according to that prescribed standard.  Instead, what I'd recommend is to pay attention to your emotional experiences when you're attending therapy.  Explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and try to reflect and understand what's going on that's causing you anxiety.  Once you figure out the underlying meaning of the anxiety, you can figure out a way to handle it and action steps to take to diminish it.
Topic: parenting

Question: My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do
I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
   My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?

Answer (from 2nd Chance Counseling Service Online Addiction Therapy ProviderConvenient Online Addiction Therapy ):
Unfortunately I think most of us have heard this, so you are not alone.  If you are still under her roof she has leverage as to what her expectations are while you are living there.  I would consider therapy for the both of you to see if there could be a middle ground that could be agreed upon.  Often times a 3rd party can help with conflict.  If there is no resolution then I would look to get creative in finding a place of your own.
Topic: relationships

Question: Why is he treating me like I am not a good woman?
I am currently living in a hotel and I don’t have a family. I met a guy a month ago. He is a bisexual. He has a lot of gay friends on social networking sites. He would not help pay for the room. When I asked for the TV remote control, he threw it elsewhere and asked me to get it. I slapped him and asked him to leave my room. We recently just got back together. One time I was sick. He came to visit and feed me but left no money. Then he texts me and brags about his house and car knowing that I have struggles living at a hotel. He says that he has a whole house where he can put me in and orders me to text him whenever I need someone to have sex with. He left his bath soap so he could come and get it. I think that he is trying to find a way to come back. Please help me. What’s going on? I am a good, loyal woman. Why is he treating me like this?

Answer (from Lisa ShouldicePsychotherapist MA, RP, CCP):
I am less concerned about this man as bisexual and having gay friends, than about how you feel is treating you.  You are in a vulnerable position because of social isolation.  If you have friends to talk to, please reach out.  While this man has money, it is not his job to take care of you financially unless the two of you have decided that together.  It sounds like he sometimes cares for you and other times you feel disrespected.  I would suggest you look for a man that is consistent in his love and care.  This is not your fault.  But you are in control of removing him from you life or choosing not to because he meets some of your needs.  Take care.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Fred RogersQue Sera Sera Counseling ):
Counseling is voluntary. If one feels there is a need to talk, its at that time, they approach counselor.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Overcoming fears
I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?

Answer (from Alison ReppAnxiety specialist offering short-term therapy for lifelong vitality):
Fear is a part of life. In fact, our five main emotions are joy, fear, sadness, shame, and anger. We tend to spend a lot of time and energy running away from or trying to get rid of most of those emotions and the more we do that, the more we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. As a result of viewing our human emotions as "bad" or "wrong," we often get caught up in a trap of thinking we have to overcome them or get rid of them before we can do what matters to us. In reality, you can do what is important to you while having your fears! My question for you is, what would you do if this fear was completely gone? What behaviors would you have if you were the ideal you? What skills, knowledge, or personal qualities would you develop? What kind of relationships would you have?I imagine your fear has kept you from achieving those goals because your mind tells you you can't do it until the fear is gone. I challenge you to do the following exercise:What is a goal you would like to achieve? Example: I would like to change careersWhat actions are necessary to complete this goal? Example: see a career counselor to determine my ideal career, go back to school/get a certification, network with others in my desired industryWhat thoughts, feelings, or urges might get in my way? Example: thoughts of "What if I fail? I'm not smart enough. I can't do it. I'm too busy to put energy into this." Feelings of fear, shame, excitement. Urges to distract myself through drinking or watch tv instead of taking action.It would be helpful to remind myself that: example: It is natural to have these thoughts, feelings, and urges but I can take action anyway. I deserve to have a fulfilling life.The smallest and easiest step I can take now: example: research career counselors in my area and write down their phone numbersThe time, day and date that I will take that first step, is: example: Tonight at 7pm At least think through these answers but it is most beneficial to write them down. I hope this helps!
Topic: trauma

Question: How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?
I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

Answer (from Gay Lee Schumann):
When anyone has experienced a traumatic event, triggers can be a normal result.  Your brain is wired for survival.  When a traumatic event takes place, it can cause your brain to go into a hypervigilant state, thinking that it needs to constantly protect itself.  This is not an indication that something is wrong with you.  It just means that your brain is doing a really great job of protecting you!  Therapy can help you find your "off" switch.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Overcoming fears
I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Your fear may have deeper roots within your sense of who you are, than you realize.   Fears are sometimes irrational so that logic doesn't get rid of them.Think about whether you felt secure and confident as a child.  Also, did any major bad events happen to you with other people or situations when you were growing up?Often these overwhelming situations of childhood stay with us as fears of situations in our adult lives.  If the root of the problem w the fear is from long ago, then probably a therapist who can ask you questions which help you remember upsetting childhood circumstances, may help you to dissolve the current fear.Another possibility is CBT, cognitive behavior therapy which teaches people short term mantras to do something which is safe, say being a passenger in a commercial airplane, which feels frightening to a person.CBT is short term and results are limited to specific fears.  It is a much quicker approach than self-understanding.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Erin Pritchard, MA, LPCC-S | EMDR IntensivesSea Glass Counseling and Consultation):
Yes! Definitely common for people to cry during a therapy session. For some folks, therapy is the safest place for them to truly allow themselves to have, or express, their emotions.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Shakeeta TorresFaith Based Mental Health Counselor):
Absolutely not.  I strongly recommending working on one issue/need at a time.  In therapy you will set smart goals and objectives that will help you reach your goals.  I see you as a survivor and not a victim.  Best wishes to you.
Topic: intimacy

Question: What should I do if my boyfriend can't get over my past?
My boyfriend can't get over my promiscuous past. He says he loves me but says the thought of my past is disgusting and a sexual distraction. He says he should have had more sex with different people. I don't know how to handle this.

Answer (from Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist):
I am sorry to hear of your relationship struggles. One thing I wonder is did you volunteer the information about your past or is this something that he asked about? In the future, it is probably best to leave details out of conversations like this. I think it is common and natural for partners to ask about the sexual history. For one thing, it is a good idea to be checked for STD’s before entering into a sexual relationship with someone, and it is fair to share that information with each other. Partners usually want to know how many you have been with and what kind of sexual preferences you have or if there is anything you don’t like to do. This gets into a gray area for some people. I don’t necessarily want to know how many people my partner has been with and I certainly don’t want a whole lot of details. Sometimes that is an image I just don’t want in my head about my partner. Vague details are usually enough.However, I understand that your partner has the details and is not happy with your past. This is a reflection on him, not you. This shows insecurities on his part. You cannot control how he will react to information that you provide to him and you cannot control how he feels about the information. The past should remain in the past and not be held against you in the present or future. If he cannot handle your past then it is going to cloud your relationship. You can offer couples counseling to him and see if he will go with you. I have seen relationships recover from some very serious problems such as infidelity. It takes two people who both want it to work to make it work though. If your boyfriend cannot get over your past, you may have to let him go. Don’t keep yourself tied to someone who is not right for you. Constantly holding your past over your head and holding that against you is only going to bring you down and eventually you may start having insecurities or low self-esteem due to this type of treatment. I don’t see that you have done anything wrong. If you aren’t cheating on him now and you answered his questions about your past honestly, how he handles that information is on him. Ultimately, relationships have a tendency to come and go. Don’t fight to hold onto someone who is not right for you. It is okay to be single and enjoy being the best you that you can be. In time, the right person for you will enter your life.
Topic: trauma

Question: How do I cope with posttraumatic stress disorder and its triggers?
I am a survivor of multiple sexual abuse/rape experiences. Triggers are having an effect on my daily life and my sexual relationship with my partner. I'm trying to learn to cope with them.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm glad you're willing to keep optimistic about life improving and offering better relationships than some of the ones in which you greatly suffered.One suggestion is to develop patience with yourself and the process of regaining your willingness to trust other people.Sexual intimacy engages all of who we truly are.   Being cautious as to who and how much you allow someone into your life, is natural for anyone recovering from trauma.Allow yourself to withdraw when situations feel dangerous.   Your sense of danger is most likely on higher alert than had you not been victimized.Be attentive and cooperate with your own sense of readiness to engage in conversation, discussions and sex with your partner.Explain all this to your partner so the person can develop their own patience with your recuperation process.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Olivia ClearHonor your spirit, clarify your vision, align with your purpose.):
Yes, many people cry during therapy!  Crying can offer a type of release as your body reacts to the input of your autonomic nervous system. Some people release endorphins when they cry, which can make you feel better than before.  If you're concerned about how much you cry during therapy, it might be good to discuss with your therapist.  They may be able to make some suggestions of how to honor your feelings in a way that works for you.
Topic: depression

Question: Is this depression?
I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
It is hard to make a definite diagnosis however I would say  that it could be and or a combination of depression, stress, PTSD, etc.  More background information would have to be needed.  One thing I would say is that you really need to seek guidance from a professional to work through these symptoms.  If what you described as a caged animal is released, all the crying, sadness, and controllable emotions will come out.  That would not be good when they do.  Get help before they do..
Topic: anxiety

Question: Am I somehow stressing myself out?
I think I'm annoying and bothersome, but my girlfriend says I'm just fine. I don't think so, I think I'm stressing everyone else out

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
"Where you put your attention is where you will go". I forget who said this first, but it's very powerful. If all you think about and talk about is how annoying you think you might be, that will get annoying. Your intense self reflection is lovely; it will help you monitor yourself so that you're not affecting others negatively, but your alarm is going off too easily here and you risk having the opposite effect.You don't have to be perfect. She's with you, so she probably likes you as you are. She seems to put far less emphasis on your possibly annoying traits. We all have faults and if that's what we focus on, that's all we will see. My hunch is that your most annoying trait might be your negative self-talk. How ironic is that?There's another irony here...your goal is to be a better partner...but when you are self-critical, your focus is on you, not her. Every moment that fear grabs ahold of you is a moment that you're not being present in the actual relationship; you're gazing at your imagined faults. Fear steals your ability to focus on your loving partner. Maybe take a moment to image how she sees you...all of you. Put yourself in her shoes to see the entire you...how are you loving...thoughtful...a good partner? Confidence is a very attractive quality!
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer (from Shelly Kessingerwww.friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com):
Ouch. It's really hard to deal with a spouse that isn't taking you seriously. In this case, I would plan for and schedule a time to talk with him about this. I would tell him that you need about 30 minutes to talk to him with minimal interruptions about something that is important to you. Schedule a time, write notes if you need reminders about what you need to express, and tell him how you feel. Ideally, you would focus more on I-statements instead of telling him what he is doing wrong. For example,  I feel ignored vs You always ignore me. By focusing on how you feel, he is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive. Some people go to couples or marriage counseling for help with communication. Chances are there are things that BOTH of you do that hurts your communication. Overall, try to talk to him directly and try not to get defensive. If he continues to say, you're always sad - then stay calm, say "okay, can you help me understand that more?" or "That's interesting. Tell me what you see."  Reach out to a couples counselor for more help with communication strategies. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you both see things in a different perspective. Hope this helps!