thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Answer (from Nat RomanMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc RP):
Attraction is important but sometimes over-rated. I'm curious about your comment that you are not as attracted as you "should be" - What is your measuring stick is for what you are supposed to feel in terms of attraction in a relationship? Do you want to be sexually intimate? Do you enjoy having sex with him? Are you satisfied with your sexual relationship when you are with him? The fact that there is lust for other more attractive men does not necessarily mean anything. There will always be attractive men and more attractive men than your partner and these attractive men will be even more appealing when you are in a long-distance relationship far from the arms of your partner. Loving someone does not mean that you stop being a sexual being who no longer notices and desires attractive men. Attraction results from a number of factors beyond appearance - including the degree to which you feel emotionally open, safe, and connected and how in tune you are with each other's bodies. It sounds like you think very highly of this man "everything else is perfect about him". Maybe it is worth spending some more time together in the same place if that is possible before deciding on marriage or that you are not truly in love.
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I stop being jealous of my best friend's boyfriend?
My best friend and I've been really close for almost three years. She lives in the UK, and I live in the US. Ever since her boyfriend flew from Oregon to Scotland, I've been angry at him. Ever since he came into her life, he took her away from me. My best friend would always say sorry, and I'm sick of it.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
You are definitely in a frustrating situation.Your friend and the boyfriend are doing what is natural for couples who are in the early stage of their relationship.  Being almost inseparable to the point of overlooking friends, is understandable as long as it doesn't continue for long enough that friends feel hurt.If you feel you would like to one more time tell your friend that you miss your friendship with her and would like her attention, then do so.After expressing your needs as much as possible and if the result doesn't change, then the sad conclusion is that your friend is willing to give you less time and energy than you require from her.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question and seeking advice on this. Feelings of worthlessness is unfortunately common. In fact, most people, if not all, have felt this to some degree at some point in their life. You are not alone. Changing our feelings is like changing our thoughts - it's hard to do. Our minds are so amazing that the minute you change your thought another one can be right there to take it's place. Without your permission, another thought can just pop in there. The new thought may feel worse than the last one! My guess is that you have tried several things to improve this on your own even before reaching out on here. People often try thinking positive thoughts, debating with their thoughts, or simply telling themselves that they need to "snap out of it" - which is also a thought that carries some self-criticism. Some people try a different approach, and there are counselors out there that can help you with this. The idea is that instead of trying to change the thoughts, you change how you respond to them. You learn skills that allow you to manage difficult thoughts and feelings differently so they don't have the same impact on you that they do right now. For some people, they actually DO begin to experience less hurtful thoughts once they learn how to manage the ones they have differently. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy may be a good choice for you. There is information online and even self-help books that you can use to teach you the skills that I mentioned. Because they are skills, they require practice, but many people have found great relief and an enriched life by learning them. As for suicidal thoughts, I am very glad to read that this has not happened to you. Still, you should watch out for this because it can be a sign of a worsening depression. If you begin to think about this, it is important to reach out to a support system right away. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. The text line is #741741. I hope some other colleagues will provide you more suggestions. Be well...Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC
Topic: social-relationships

Question: Should I pull away from my best friend?
Because we are on opposite coasts, we try to talk early mornings, but she is constantly interrupted by visitors. I suggested setting aside some time, but she has made it very clear she has no intention of changing her lifestyle. She is also drinking beer every day on antipsychotics.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
The answer depends on how satisfied and happy you feel in being part of this friendship.From what you write, there aren't any statements as to what gives you happiness about being a friend to this person.Since you already made a request of. your friend and she isn't following through, you could ask if she is willing to work with your suggested plan.The friendship may take a new format, depending on your friend's response.Its possible to be in contact more spontaneously, when either of you feel like contacting the other.What matters most is your own dissatisfaction with the current relationship status.Even if you change to a, birthday and holiday only conversation, or some other style of interacting, at least it will be the result of the effort from each person, not just one, who is you, designing arrangements which only you are willing to keep.
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Debbie Gottlieb):
The way it goes is that all your issues are connected. Once you work on one issue it will have a positive effect on all areas. Slowly each issue is addressed and actually less issues will need to be addressed directly since resolving one helps your overall wellness. So no, you do not have too many issues. Don’t give up. Get help now and see how your life can change for the better.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Linda AbdelsayedChange is the only constant in life):
This is a great question. Finding the right therapist can be tricky because you don't really know how someone will be like until you meet them. A few ways to prescreen are to:- Visit the therapist's website, psychologytoday profile, social media, etc...- Have a phone call with the therapist prior to your first appointmentOnce you meet your therapist it is important to be clear with your wishes and expectations. We are trained in helping you thrive in your life but we cannot mind read so if you don't tell us, we won't know. Don't be shy about what you like and what you don't like. A good therapist will listen to your needs, process them with you, and create a customized plan that works for you and your life. A good therapist will also not take anything you say (even criticism) personally. Coming to therapy is hard and often times you might not want to go. What makes a good therapist is someone who understands this and tries to make you feel as comfortable as possible while you address uncomfortable topics.
Topic: lgbtq

Question: I'm starting to believe that I'm gay
In middle school and high school, my friends and family thought I was gay. I tried telling them, but they wouldn’t believe me. It almost feels like they wanted me to be. Now I’m actually starting to believe them. I know I wasn’t back then, and now I’m not sure anymore.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
I agree with Amy. We get a lot of pressure from others and even ourselves to define who we are and what we want at a pretty early age. The truth is, our sexuality can change and grow in directions we never imagined. I may be wrong, but I am getting the impression that you may not want to be gay. That this is something you didn't like others suggesting and now you are uncomfortable with the idea that it may be true. This would certainly be understandable. Your sexuality is YOURS and yours alone. It can be quite frustrating and hurful when others try to define who you are. And it can be equally frustrating when you are trying to figure it out for yourself. The truth is that there are many different possibilities when it comes to sexual orientation. It may help to think about what qualities you find attractive. What kind of person can you see yourself being attracted to? Someone smart? Funny? Loves dogs? If you look for these qualities in a person they may lead you to being attracted to someone of the same sex, but maybe not. At least you would be choosing someone based on values and qualities that you love and admire. Another idea is to chat with a counselor, if you are interested. Preferrably one who has done some training in affirmative therapy. Be well and be you..Robin  J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Angela Mason, LMSWIndividual, Couple, Family Therapist):
It sounds as though your daughter is struggling to manage her anxiety and she is having really big reactions to what you view as small problems or issues. What have you tried with her in the past? As exhausting as it might be, a good first step is to empathize and validate her feelings.
Topic: parenting

Question: How do I quit letting little things bother me and be the mom that my kids deserve?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Well, my first question was whether these are truly little things or things you really think the attention.If they're really small things that you actually want to let go, try looking at it on a continuum  of things that really get attention (or correction) and things that really don't – and everywhere in between. Looking at this on a scale 1 to 10 or 1 to 100 may be helpful.Another thing to do is consider trying to look at the world through their eyes. You may have a better way of explaining things so that they learn from the correction that you try to give them rather than repeating yourself.Also recall that parenting working always have what they're looking for (permissive) is not usually helpful, just as the middle ground (authoritative) is better than very strict (authoritarian), according to most research.You could also consider coming up with some affirming phrases for yourself, such as "it's okay for this to happen" or "I know they're not always going to get it right" or "I know that I can't always make them change overnight."This can be a really tricky balance to find and I recommend seeing a local mental health professional if increased awareness of different levels is not helpful to you.
Topic: marriage

Question: What makes a good marriage?
What makes a healthy marriage last?

Answer (from Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive):
Thank you for your question.  A good Marriage is one that takes hard work and commitment.  Being in a good marriage does not always mean good times because let's face it; we are dealing with 2 unique individuals with differences.  A good spouse or partner knows to be patient and accepting.  Knowing each other's strengths and imperfections and working with them to lift each other is how you strengthen your love for one another.  A good spouse sacrifices their needs to see the other person happy.  Don't get me wrong, that also means that it is important to have alone time to re-charge and re-focus our purpose in the marriage.  In all, there is not a magic recipe for a successful marriage, but with time, work and purpose one can have a happy one.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How can I avoid family members who stress me out?
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Set firm boundaries. Either you can say she can complain for X number of minutes and no more, you change the subject or let her go to voicemail, she can leave as many as she wants and you don’t have to listen, you can delete them.  The boundary could be that you do not hear her complaining at all. Boundaries are hard to set harder to enforce but worth the effort of setting them and sticking by them!  This video on Boundaries could be beneficial.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I'm worried about my new job
I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
   People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
One thing to know is that anxiety is not a bad thing--it is the body's natural response that mobilizes us to action.  If you think about it in terms of preparation, your anxiety is helping your body to be ready to perform through something important to you or protect you from harm.  A question worth asking is, what are you really afraid of happening if you have an anxiety attack while driving?  Are you worried you won't make it to your new job?  Are you scared of letting your family down?  Do you fear you will crash?  Knowing what you fear will happen because of your anxiety can help to determine where your mental focus would be best suited.  For example, if you fear you won't make it to your job, you can create a list of thoughts to support you through those fears (e.g., I am capable of making it to my new job, etc).Despite knowing the origin of your anxiety, it can still feel very scary to go through an anxiety attack.  Just anticipating anxiety can, ironically, increase your chances of experiencing it.  A really great way to manage this is via mindful breathing.  There are so many youtube videos and recordings of how to control your breathing in order to calm your body's anxiety response that work best even before you've felt a spike of fear.  Taking time each day to practice deep breathing, even for just a few minutes, can be a helpful tool to grounding yourself in the present moment vs fearing the unknown. Doing a practice run on the route you will be taking could also send a big message to the part of your brain that creates your fear response.  Practicing getting to your location can reduce that fear of the unknown, as well as teach your anxiety that you performed the drive once and nothing bad happened; in response, your anxiety doesn't feel a need to set off your alarm so loud.Something really important to remember is that having anxiety or an anxiety attack does not mean you are in danger.  Anxiety can feel awful, but it will always come back down.  Give yourself credit that you can make it through any response your body has--after all, that's what your body was built to do!
Topic: anxiety

Question: Why do I find pleasure in thinking about killing?
I am a peaceful person, but I often find myself having thoughts about killing people. Eventhough I like the thoughts at the time, they make me cry. Why do I feel like this?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. Clearly this is something that has you very concerned. Sometimes thoughts are just thoughts, and they are pretty harmless. Many people have thoughts of killing someone, but they would never actually do it. They really don't even want to do it, they are just having a thought. Other times, thoughts are a sign of something more serious, and we should receive help when they start to worry us. I would recommend meeting with a counselor to discuss these thoughts. It is usually a safe environment where you can get advice with little judgement. Now, If you begin to start thinking about killing someone specific and making a plan to do it in reality- you should call for help immediately. By help, I mean 9-11, or a family member or friend. You would want to get help before doing something to harm yourself and others. Again, none of this is to judge, but rather to encourage you to get the help you're seeking. Either way, when we become concerned about some aspect of our behavior, seeking counseling is usually a good choice. Be well, Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC
Topic: intimacy

Question: Why won't my boyfriend have sex with me?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. I am not sure that we can be much help since we know very little about your situation. For example, we don't know how old you are or if you have previously had a satisfying sex life. So, I will just name a few things that can impact someone's interest in sex, and some colleagues may add others. There are quite a few things that can actually lead to disinterest or inability to have sex. Things such as depression, illness, anxiety/stress, substance or alcohol abuse, and relationship dissatisfaction are just a few reasons. I work in a medical setting, and you might be surprised by how many male patients have some kind of erectile dysfunction occurrence even in their 20s. The best way to find out why he won't have sex is simply to ask. Guessing will likely not bring you to the actual truth, and if you are dissatisfied about your sex life, it is likely not to get better without take some kind of action step. I suggest approaching your partner with compassion and concern. He may also be aware that there is a problem and is afraid or embarrassed to talk to you about it. If you do end up communicating, you have some options to explore. He may want to see his primary care provider if he believes it may be a health issue. A vicious circle can develop about this topic. A person has difficulty with sex for some reason, which generates anxiety, which can actually lead to more difficulty with sex. Counseling can be helpful. Some couples try something called the Sensate Focus Method. You can look it up online. I am not suggesting it or indicating it will help, but some people have said it is helpful.Good luck and be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: anger-management

Question: Why did my boyfriend hit himself in the face during an argument?
When I got home, my boyfriend and I got into an argument. He got upset and he started hitting his face. That is the first time he has ever done that, but I would be lying if I said that didn't scare me. I locked myself in the room.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Sounds scary to watch.  I agree with you!Maybe he felt so overwhelmed by anger, hurt and frustration that he went back to an old behavior from his past in which someone hit him for having strong emotions.Now that the incident is past, bring up the topic to him so the two of you can discuss it.Just the fact of you having empathy and caring what he was feeling at the time, may be restorative to him.At the very least, you may find out exactly what the answer is to your question as to why he did this in the first place!
Topic: family-conflict

Question: No matter what I do, my mom will almost always find something wrong with it
My mother has Alzheimer's and she has become so nasty and mean to everyone and she always asks for unrealistic, silly or meaningless items. I get so frustrated and angry, but then I feel guilty because I know it probably isn’t her fault. How can I cope with feeling like this?

Answer (from Dr. Timothy Paul'man'; Online - "Natural Health Consultant and Coach"):
It's a good question man, and it must be terrible to see your mother in the state she's in.Understand that Alzheimer's is due to under-performing function of kidneys, adrenals, and connective tissue strengtheners; all of which may be corrected with appropriate protocols that are inexpensive and generally simple to follow.Imagine it like a flower that is not fed properly:  A once, beautifully blossom flower APPEARS to be wilting, but it's life-force, spirit, and essence remain fully there and present.  And your mom hears you.Let's clean her out, and see her smile return.
Topic: relationships

Question: My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Answer (from Jill Barnett KaufmanPsychotherapist):
It's completely understandable that you would have male friends and that you would want to spend time with them.  When you cross over from friends to a relationship, it does change things.  Some people are very easy going and wouldn't feel threatened by what you did  Others would be upset.  If your boyfriend is upset by you spending time with this male friend, then you need to talk about it.  Each of you needs to express your feelings about the situation and listen to the other with patience and respect.  Then you can make a decision on what is best for you and your relationship.  Maybe he wouldn't be upset if you saw this friend while you were with your boyfriend.  Or maybe your boyfriend would feel better if he got to know this person better and could trust him.  Most likely you can come up with a situation that will make both of you comfortable going forward.  You didn't do anything "wrong" because it doesn't sound like you intended to hurt your boyfriend.  But if you really care about your boyfriend, then you probably care about making him upset.  Instead of looking at this issue as a problem, try to look at it as an opportunity to connect.  If you can both listen to each other and understand each other, your relationship can become even closer.