thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: trauma

Question: My father has always been horrible to me
My suppose-to-be father told me to go find my real dad. We haven't been getting along since I was a teenager. If I said one thing that he thought was wrong, I always got degraded. He never said “I love you.” He never gave us hugs. He’s always called me horrible names. I feel he's an evil man with no feelings.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Louisiana, You got it right...he's "supposed to be" your father. It's tough enough being adopted (unless I'm reading it wrong, I think you're adopted); what you don't need is to be verbally abused by someone who's supposed to love and protect you. I don't know how old you are (past teen years though), or where your mom is, but I bet there are other people in your life who treat you differently. It's your right to spend your time with the people who love you properly. That's a really important part of learning how to be happy...carefully choosing who's going to be in your life. It's tricky to put emotional distance between you and your supposed-to-be father, but it's possible...physical distance (avoid him if you don't trust you'll be treated with respect), and emotional distance (feeling less connected to and affected by his relationship disability). I think you're already doing that part because you don't blame yourself for his words, which is wonderful. I don't know if he's evil (although I believe evil exists), but he may be incapable of loving properly, or lacking empathy, as you suggest. A good therapist can support you in these goals. I wish you the best in your growth as an independent adult. :)
Topic: parenting

Question: My mother is trying to control my life and I don't know what to do
I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone.
   My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
You're among many millennials who live with their parents due to financial reasons.Does your mother mean rules pertaining to the way your family household organizes its daily or does she mean something else?Every household needs rules as responsibilities to keep the house clean, who does the grocery shopping, the way costs are distributed for this and all the other carrying charges  and tasks of maintaining the house in decent order, as well as respecting the privacy and noise level requests of others who live in the home.This set of responsibilities applies whenever more than one person lives with another person.Have you tried simply telling your mom that you're willing to be a responsible household member and that you prefer to keep the details of the way you live the rest of your life, to yourself?This would show respect to your mom and start the discussion as to the areas of your life you feel deserve privacy and how you would like to handle when your right to run your own life overlaps with any household duties.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: How can I get "out of my head" and stop obsessive thoughts?
Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Answer (from Elizabeth AndersonMFT Registered Intern):
Scary thoughts can feel overwhelming at times as well as feeling quite real. I want to acknowledge how scary they can feel, but there is hope and new skills you can learn to work with these types of thoughts. The first step in working with scary or negative thoughts is to acknowledge that they are just thoughts and we can choose to follow the scary thought streams or work with cutting them off or ignoring them. I also realize that might seem really hard to do, but here's a good way to think about the brain and how thought patterns work. Thoughts arise in the mind all the time, our brain is a thought machine. Many thoughts drift by like clouds and we don't pay any attention while other thoughts arise and they trigger us in a particulate way, i.e., scary, angry, happy, sad, and when those thoughts arise we can chose to pay more attention to the thought which can lead us down that particulate thought stream that will lead to fear and anxiety. So, how do we work or stop those scary thought streams? One new skill to implement comes from the work of Rick Hansen, he wrote the book Buddha's Brain," he teaches that we need to give more energy and attention to the positive thoughts or positive memories we hold in our mind and pay less attention to the negative thoughts. Hansen asks us to imagine the brain this way, the brain is like Velcro with negative thoughts and like teflon when it comes to positive thoughts. There are reasons that our brain works this way, but I don't have time to go into all of that in this response. So, it's just important to remember we have to work at positive thinking, actually pausing throughout the day to focus on positive feelings and memories,  this will help the mind reinforce positive thought streams and help reduce negative thought streams over time. If a scary thought arises try to replace it with a happy experience for at least a couple of moments, and see if that helps reduce the negative charge connected with that scary thought.
Topic: family-conflict

Question: My sister and my husband had an affair
It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

Answer (from Cory Ian Shafer LPCPsychotherapist, Jungian, Hypnotherapy):
First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the "best parts" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is "How have I grown from this?", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I'm worried about my new job
I just took a job that requires me to travel far away from home. My family and I really need this job.
   People keep telling me I have "anxiety" and I'm terrified of having an anxiety attack on the road. This is all new to me. What can I do?

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
CONGRATS to your new job!! You are working! You are taking care of your family!! Good FOR YOU!!! Transitions bring anxiety, but anxiety and anxiety attacks are treatable. Try utilizing some muscle relaxation techniques, massages, meditation, etc. I would also listen to things that help you to feel calm on the road, comedy stations that bring laughter, laughter is good for anxiety. Or listen to relaxing music, or biolateral sounds, or talking to a friend or a therapist while you're on the road. Hope this helps!
Topic: depression

Question: Do I have too many issues for counseling?
I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac.    I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years.
   I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Answer (from Tanya HernandezHelping you to overcome overwhelm and jump back into life! ):
Absolutely not! It is never too much. The most important thing is that you are reaching out to get help.  Therapy helps you to develop healthier coping strategies and that can help reduce the anxiety and depression as well as improve your sleep. This can all be done at a pace that is best for you. Your therapist can help you process all of this in a safe and supportive space.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Laura HutchinsLPC, LCAS):
Definitely. Therapy helps us work through the tough stuff. It’s a safe place where we can let our guards down. When you are getting things out verbally, a physical and emotional response is completely natural. Crying is a healthy release. Many people cry during therapy - some perhaps once in a while, and others may every session. Wherever you are on that spectrum, it is absolutely normal and you are not at all alone.
Topic: anger-management

Question: I need to know how to cope with misophonia before I go completely insane
The sounds of eating and breathing gives me headaches—mostly mouth breathing and snoring. It makes me angry, and I want to solve it myself.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Probably good to know in what type of situations you are, in which you are hearing mouth breathing and snoring.If you're sleeping beside your partner who does these actions, would have a different response than if you overhear mouth breathing and snoring from a family member who is napping on the couch and you are walking past them on your way to take a snack in the kitchen.Basically, if the person who does these actions which bother you, start by telling them.Depending on whether they are empathetic to how distressed you are from their sounds, or not, willing to change, or not, has a good deal to do with next steps.I don't really see any step you're able to take to solve that you are sensitive to human sounds from the head.One path I don't recommend is expecting yourself to ignore the fact of being feeling bothered, or dismissing your own sensitivity someone.Your needs matter.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Mandy Dorsett):
I always say finding the right therapist is a little bit like dating--when you date to find the "right person," you often date several people who are perfectly nice, but are just not the right fit for you. It may take several tries before you find "the one." Finding the right therapist is a lot like that. You may have a therapist who is perfectly nice and qualified, but they just don't feel like the right fit. You need to find someone who you feel comfortable talking to and who "gets" you. They should have a clear understanding of what you need help with, and should be able to explain to you some of the ways they are going to help you. You can help your therapist give you what you need from treatment by telling them exactly what you need, and by letting them know when what they are doing isn't working for you. Clear communication is key!
Topic: relationships

Question: How come no man sparks my interest?
I was never single, afraid to be alone, and I looked for my boyfriend to make me happy. I finally worked on my self, was in a relationship, and I did everything a healthy girlfriend does and it didn't work out. Now months later, no man peaks my interest. Am I ready to date again? Is there a reason no one sparks my interest?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Yes, of course there's a reason!There's always a reason for most dynamics!Depending on the nature and qualities of what changed as a result of your new self realizations, you may be more deeply affected by your new awareness than how you imagined these would go.Since you already are on the best road possible for yourself, since this resulted from your own introspection, keep trusting your own self work as to what develops and at what pace your relationship attraction qualities grow.
Topic: intimacy

Question: My boyfriend does not do some sexual things with me that he has done with other people
My boyfriend won't touch me intimately, he won't kiss me while we are having sex and he won't have oral sex with me. I know he has done this things with other women in the past. I don't know why he won't do them with me. What should I do?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Ask him!Having a conversation about sexual satisfaction increases emotional intimacy.Not only will you potentially feel more deeply connected from a sincere conversation about your sexual questions, maybe this increased emotional closeness will inspire the sexual closeness you wish to receive.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer (from Fred RogersQue Sera Sera Counseling ):
You need to seek counseling/psychotherapy !
Topic: relationships

Question: Should I just move on from my demanding girlfriend?
My girlfriend and I have broken up and gotten back together numerous times in the past two years. We recently just broke up again last night on New Year’s Eve. When we break up, the very next day, she calls me and acts as if nothing has happened. She acts like everything is alright. This has been going on for two years. I do love her and care about her and her children a lot, but she seems really demanding as far as what she deserves from a man. She is always telling me that she deserves this and that from a man. It makes me feel like crap because I cannot give her everything that she wants. She told me one time that she wants a man who is going to be afraid to lose her. Is that a normal thing that women want, or should I just move on already? I am in my 30s and she is in her 40s.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Love is not enough to keep a relationship together.The people need to get along happily too.Let's start with knowing more about your happiness in being with your partner.The frequent break ups happen for a reason.  Try understanding more of why you go back together again.You state a few very clear reasons to not continue this relationship, such as "feeling like crap" and not liking that your girlfriend hopes her  partner will feel afraid to leave her.Trust your intuition telling you that these feelings matter.Sometimes men aren't sure whether following their instinct is a right action to take.It is.Also, hoping a partner will fear losing them, shows a wish to control a person.Control has nothing to do with love and trust, and these are basics of a relationship.Good luck!
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I handle getting the silent treatment from my boyfriend?
When my boyfriend gets in a snit, he gives me the silent treatment for days. When I ask what is wrong, I get nothing: no reply, no phone call. If he does reply, it is something very sarcastic and hurtful. He never admits he is wrong and never apologizes.

Answer (from Candice Conroy, LMHCFind relief from anxiety, depression, and trauma.):
This sounds very hurtful for you to be on the receiving end of this. You can ask yourself " what am I learning from the way I am being treated? "  and consider whether or not this is in fact either (1)  A message or value that you agree with and believe will strengthen your relationship and help you to grow as a person or (2)  A message or value that is damaging to the relationship or  to your view of your self and others.  Once you've considered that and come to your own conclusion, you will likely know what you need to do.  If you're still stuck, you may want to consider seeing an individual therapist for yourself  to process your feelings about the relationship or a couples therapist with your partner to work on improving your communication with each other.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer (from Dr. Bonnie HowellNow in St. Petersburg, Fl):
It's normal to feel a little anxiety--after all it's an important encounter for you.  My suggestion is to discuss this with your therapist, let him/her know how you're feeling, especially if you feel as though your level of anxiety is impacting the quality and benefit of your sessions.  You might try some relaxation techniques prior to starting the session, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, core muscle dis-engagement--If you're not familiar with these techniques ask your therapist or write back.
Topic: depression

Question: My husband wants a divorce after I was diagnosed with severe depression
He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Answer (from Vivian D. Echevarria Guzman, MSC, LPC-S, NCCBilingual Licensed Professional Counselor):
Although the marriage vows say in sickness and health, each person has the right to choose to stay or to leave, depending on their ability to cope and handle marriage challenges.  I know is hard not to focus on him and his choice, but the more you put the focus of attention on him the least support you will receive. Focus on increasing self-care activities and building a support system around you.  A therapist can help you to work with depression symptoms, build up your self-esteem, and developing coping skills.  Also, invite him to a therapy session so he can clarify any questions and concerns regarding your diagnosis.If you would like to engage in therapy, I am licensed in Texas and Puerto Rico, you can contact me at 787-466-5478.Mi esposo quiere divorciarse después que fui diagnosticada con depresión severa.El dijo que intentaría y nunca lo hizo.  Has pasado nueve meses, y esto me está haciendo sentir peor.   Hoy, el dijo que yo debo respetar la decisión que el tome.   ¿Es eso cierto? ¿SE supone que respete la decisión de irse porque él no puede manejar lo que yo estoy pasando y me deja llorando y preocupada cada noche?  El cambia de opinión todo el tiempo.A pesar de que los votos matrimoniales dicen en la salud y la enfermedad, cada persona tiene el derecho de decidir si se queda o se va, dependiendo en su habilidad de lidiar los retos del matrimonio.  Entiendo que es difícil evitar enfocarte en él y sus decisiones, pero mientras más enfocas tu atención en el, más vas a resentir la falta de apoyo.  Enfócate en aumentar el cuidado personal y en desarrollar tu sistema de apoyo.  Un terapista te puede ayudar a trabajar con los síntomas de depresión, mejorar tu autoestima y desarrollar mecanismos de defensa.  También puedes invitar a tu esposo a terapia para hablar sobre tu diagnosis y que aclare dudas sobre los síntomas y expectativas.Si te gustaría recibir terapia, soy Consejera Profesional Licenciada en Texas y en Puerto Rico, llama al 787-466-5478.
Topic: parenting

Question: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?
She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Answer (from Valerie Saisi, NCC, LPCParenting, Child, and Family Therapist ):
This is something you will have to discuss with your husband.  It should be a joint decision if you value your marriage.  You can mention your frustration about your stepdaughter not honoring boundaries.  After you talk to your husband you both can have a talk with your stepdaughter about expectations in order to stay living in the house.  When it comes to stepchildren you need to be very careful you do not take the lead on the authority part.  It should be the biological parent.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
Dear there could be under lining issues maybe even medical.  Energy Work and a good check up could help.  Maybe even try Reiki ...professional like myself offer services distance that can help with this.  But first go get a good check up.  family doctor, blood tests, CAT scan, hormones, women.......  always consult your doctor first or if you need immediate help contact a crisis hotline   I also would suggest this BOOK to read.  If you want something to listen to or practice try this Program.
Topic: parenting

Question: I think my daughter is stressing too much
When my daughter is stressed about a silly thing from school, she starts crying and freaking out. She is a bright student, always has a 4.0, but I am afraid she is stressing too much. I’m afraid it’s going to break her. I don't know if I should get her to a doctor or someone because this is not normal.

Answer (from Ivy  GrossHelping Individuals Heal and Grow):
I am sorry to hear about your daughter. Many of the youth I see in my practice are going through similar behaviors and concerns. If she feels like she can talk to you about this I think that is a great place to begin. There are many life stressors that youth have to manage and seeing others on social media seems to exacerbate these feelings and can feel like even more pressure to strive for perfection. You may be able to offer her support by listening to and validating her concerns, reviewing all that she has accomplished and praising her for doing her best and not push that she needs to be "the best."If she feels she would like to speak to someone it may be good to find a therapist where she can vent her feelings and find a way to increase her coping skills. She may benefit from additional support outside the home where she can cry, learn to manage her worries and gain skills to triage the expectations of each day. She may benefit from skills that would help her to learn that she is enough already!