thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: anxiety

Question: I'm worried that I will be single forever
I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
   Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes.

Answer (from Cimberly R. NeskerRegistered Psychotherapist (3579)):
I think one of the first questions that springs to mind for me is, "what's the rush?"  Just because other people in your circle have had experiences that you are still warming up to does not mean that there's something wrong or something to be ashamed of.  If anything, I want to commend you on the self-respect you have in wanting to wait and share this most intimate of experiences with someone that will feel the same way about it.  One of the most common distortions in our thinking is when we try to directly compare ourselves to others; while these people and even those in your family share a level of closeness to you they are not exactly like you - they don't see or feel things in the exact same way as you nor do they share the exact same perspective. It's important to be making choices for you and for your own desires and life goals.  Once you stop comparing your happiness, you may find that you are already experiencing it and allow more of your guard to fall down.
Topic: depression

Question: I'm depressed because my mother kicked me out after having a child
I just had a newborn. When I brought him home, my mom told me to leave. Now I'm in a women's home. I don't see my boyfriend that often because he works. The women's place is helping me find an apartment so I can go back to work and get child care.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Congrats on the birth of your son!Was your mom's request for you to leave her house, one which she asked awhile ago or was this her greeting when you walked in the door?My question is whether your mom had some changed circumstance in her life, whether she and you discussed living arrangements prior to your son's birth, or whether nothing was talked about, you assumed you'd be living with her, she assumed you wouldn't, and the two of you didn't speak to one another about any of this.Depending on the answers, there may be clues as to handling future expectations of others, especially your mom.From what you write, the women's home is supportive of your basic daily living needs.   It is good news that the people who run this home know and offer community resources.In your interactions with the staff of the women's home, ask all the questions necessary so you'll have a clear understanding of the apartment lease, anything at all that is on your mind about becoming employed and finding childcare.The point is to have all the major steps you're about to start, addressed.This way, you'll be minimizing the possibility of any sudden bad news by the women's home, told to you.Sending lots of good luck!
Topic: parenting

Question: What can I do about my dad?
My dad makes me feel like shit and like I'm worthless. He calls me names and makes me feel depressed. I want to move out because I swear if I stay here, I'm going to lose it. What can I do?

Answer (from Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist):
Are you old enough to move out? Then by all means, what's stopping you?If not, is it possible for you to move in with another family member?If you're a minor, CPS may need to step in. They often do in cases of abuse. Your safety is the number one priority.It's difficult to offer advice without knowing more about your situation. But I can say this: Don't let other people define your self worth. You can choose NOT to allow him to make you feel anything. It really is that simple. By looking at it as a choice you make, you will be empowered to take control over your emotions and learn to feel better about yourself because your self-worth will no longer be defined by what someone else says about you or how they treat you.Let me say that again in a different way: Your self-worth is NOT defined by someone else. The way he treats you is a reflection of who he is as a person - not you. Don't take ownership of that! I understand that if you are a minor, setting healthy boundaries and refusing to accept this kind of treatment can be difficult. Reach out to others for help. But if you are 18 and over, there is absolutely no excuse for you to be there having to put up with maltreatment. Put up some boundaries and create the distance needed to protect yourself emotionally. You owe it to yourself, and deserve to live a healthy, happy life. Anyone who tells you otherwise is wrong.
Topic: depression

Question: My family says I have depression
I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks.    Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right.
   Are they right, am I depressed?

Answer (from Samantha OsborneEncouraging and Compassionate):
Although some people managing depression feel sad or "down",  it is a possible to have depression without an obvious sad mood.  Many people indicate that they feel numb or flat.  People managing depression often have low motivation. They may stay in bed for long periods of time and only get up for absolutely necessary activities.  People with depression may also feel inappropriate guilt or shame.   If you have been experiencing the symptoms you described for more than two weeks, I recommend that you see a counselor to get a more in-depth evaluation.   The symptoms you are experiencing are typical of depression, and with a bit of support, you could regain energy and improved self-esteem.  The stigma surrounding mental health can make a diagnosis or a label of depression seem scary.  The important thing to remember is that mental health disorders are as important as and as treatable physical health disorders.    Hang in there.  Healing is possible!
Topic: intimacy

Question: Is it wrong to be antisocial around people?
I've been getting told lately by my partner that it’s embarrassing that I'm so antisocial around his family and friends. I believe it's because I'm not as social as him.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Buffalo, I think you're right; your partner's reactions are about him. I have to say it's a cruel thing to say to someone you love...that you're "embarrassed by them". The subtext says "You're not good enough", and I love that you can reject that false message.You don't have to be different for anyone. If he can't accept you for who you are, what is he doing with you? Your social habits (unless they are extreme...like you refuse to go anywhere) aren't a reflection on him; it's just you being you. Also, and I'm sure you've found this...the more he judges you, the more difficult it is for you to be the confident, outgoing person he wants you to be...so his method of trying to change you doesn't even work!I think that's the crux...he's trying to change you. What does that make you want to do?
Topic: relationships

Question: I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him
I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love?

Answer (from Christianna MorganIndividual & Couples Counselor, Parent Coach):
Long distance relationships have their challenges, and I am wondering if part of the missing attraction is due to the distance. Has the relationship always been long-distance, or is this a change? How do you feel when you are visiting one another? Are you distracted by your lack of feelings of lust for him? Or do those thoughts mostly come up when he's not with you? And the men you find yourself lusting over--are they men you see in real life?  Perhaps you are experiencing moments of lust for these other men because it's too painful for you to experience them about someone who is far away and not physically accessible to you.It is normal for physical attraction to ebb and flow over time. And it is normal to be attracted to other people outside of your relationship. Being in love with one partner and building a life does not mean you stop having normal, human urges about other people you find attractive. Being in love does mean choosing that partner over others despite those urges of attraction.There are many reasons you might wake up and fall in love all over again. But I would offer that those reasons are harder to experience in a long distance situation. Physical attraction is "easy" because we can experience that reaction based on a picture. But the day-to-day things a partner might do to make you feel loved, secure, cared for, and honored (which could give the same falling in love all over again feeling) are harder to experience and trust when you aren't physically together.If the relationship is great and he's the ideal man in many ways, give some thought to what the next step for your relationship could be other than marriage. Is it possible to spend a significant amount of time together? If your potential marriage wouldn't be a long-distance relationship, then it might be worth exploring what it would be like to be in each other's life day in and day out.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Can anxiety make me say foul language?
I'm scared that my anxiety will make me say foul language. I don't want to say those words though. I'm only a teen and all my friends curse, but I don't want to. I don't know what to do.

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
It's definitely possible that your response to anxiety is to swear, though you don't have to feel controlled by that reaction.  As a teen, you're developing your identity based on what feels right to you and what doesn't.  It's OK to be different than your friends, and just being around swearing doesn't mean you will for sure pick up that habit.  What is it that connects your anxiety to swearing?  If it feels like your automatic response might be to curse, you could try picking some words that don't go against your values to use as a default when you are upset.  You could also work directly with calming your anxiety, maybe in ways that make you feel in control.  Breathing exercises as well as thought replacement (replacing an unhelpful thought with a helpful one) are good for that.  Whatever you try, I wish you the best of luck!
Topic: intimacy

Question: Should I be upset that my husband may have lied to me again?
I’m trying to make marriage work after a split. Before our split, he lied a lot and broke every promise to me. I don't think he cheated. Last month, I asked what women work with him, so he told me. Yesterday, I found out about a girl that he said he forgot about. Should I be upset?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Are you upset, is the more pertinent question.Everyone has their own tolerance for lies and their unique reasons for being married.  Trust your own answers to the question you ask here.Also, think over the value of your marriage in your life and whether you are able to live with the unstable sense of trust that you have in your husband.Remember too, that if you are the only partner who is trying to make the marriage work, then your job is much harder than if your husband actively participated in making the marriage happier for the couple.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Peter CellariusCouples Counseling & Trauma):
Such a good question!  Sometimes, clients will feel like they are not connecting with their therapist and will put it on themselves.  In truth, the bond between therapist and client is the #1 predictor of positive outcomes in therapy.  Ask yourself these questions: does it feel like this person can come to care about me?  Do they remember from week to week what we touched on?  Do I feel compassion from this person? Do they allow me my difficult and painful feelings too, or do they try to rescue me?  On your other question - I suggest you ask your therapist what goals he/she has for your treatment.  See if they respond with interest and participation, or if they become clinical and distant.  Ideally, you and your therapist jointly develop your goals, and check on your progress on a frequent basis.  I don't know if you can actually 'train' your therapist - we can be a hard bunch to train! :-)  - but you can definitely tell your therapist what works for you, and what didn't work, at the end of each session.  How they react will also tell you a lot about whether this is the right person for you.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Is it normal to go into therapy feeling nervous?
I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Answer (from Jill Barnett KaufmanPsychotherapist):
It is absolutely normal to be nervous about therapy.  Many people take years to make the decision to start counseling and although it is a safe place to explore feelings, it may be the first time you are facing certain issues.  It takes courage to face issues head on.  Being nervous is part of the process.  The fact that you are continuing to go to therapy sessions despite feeling nervous demonstrates your strength.  Keep it up!
Topic: workplace-relationships

Question: How do I get over a coworker?
I've worked with this guy for about three years now, and I knew the first time I saw him that I was attracted. Over time, he became a very dear friend, and we talked about our relationship problems, family, dreams, and so on. There was always flirtation with us, and one day pretty recently, it progressed to making out. We agreed to keep it quiet, and we did, but in the back of my mind, I hoped it would become something more. It didn't, and three months later, I'm still not over it.
   I'm trying so hard to maintain the friendship because that's what he wants. We're no longer in the same office, which I thought would help me get over these feelings, but we still talk about work, and he's constantly touching me, so I'm still very drawn to him. He's a hugger and such a sweet guy, so I find myself fantasizing all the time about what could have been and what could still be, but he's clearly not interested. He's younger than me and prefers model types, but I see him checking me out a lot, which gives me hope. How do I get him out of my system and still maintain the friendship?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
How frustrating to want a relationship with someone who does not feel similarly!The person who needs to be at the top of your list of those whose interest you consider, is yourself.Most often, staying engaged in dialogue, affection, sex, with someone who has different reasons than you have, for doing so, creates longing, frustration and sadness.Since the guy has told you he would like limiting his involvement with you, more than likely you will be protecting yourself from disappointed wishes, by taking his words seriously.Since you've made your interest in him clear, it sound like he's taking advantage of what you're willing to offer him.As long as he's not reciprocating with the involvement you'd like, why continue being available to him?The one area that is open to you in a positive way, is to understand which qualities of this guy you find attractive.By understanding more about your own interests about a potential partner, the stronger you will be able to step away from those who would like you for their reasons, which have nothing or very little in common  with yours.Good luck with defining the qualities of a partner with who you will feel fulfilled by sharing yourself.
Topic: behavioral-change

Question: How can I make the dreams and voices go away?
For the past four weeks, I've been having nightmares and hearing voices telling me of horrible things. They're not random voices, but rather, the voices of those I care about.

Answer (from Darlene ViggianoLet Your Inner Light Shine!):
Write down your nightmares and discuss them with an analyst or psychotherapist who specializes in dreams, as I do. If you are hearing voices while awake, see a doctor right away.  If the voices are strictly in your dreams, do call for therapy and talk to your caring others about what's happening.
Topic: substance-abuse

Question: I over endulge when I drink alcohol and feel extremely guilty about it the next day
I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk.    In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol.    But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
Maybe this will help you understand.  First it depends on many chemical factors.  When you drink alcohol overindulge so to speak.  You are flooding the pre frontal cortex of your brain.  This controls communication and cognitive behavior.  There were studies on this and many times if you notice those intoxicated get loud respond to loudness.  Also certain types of alcohol can have sides effects.  Instead of brown liquor try white liquor.  Experiment safely to find if you maybe having side effects causing overindulgence which we don't want to lead to alcoholism.   Set an intention before experimenting that you will not feel angry or guilty... Seek talk therapy which will help decrease the cravings or desire to.
Topic: anxiety

Question: I don't want to keep going back and forth between my parents' houses
I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past.    Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

Answer (from Kristi King-Morgan, LMSWSocial Worker, Psychotherapist):
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Divorce can be so disruptive in a child's life.I'd really need a lot more information about your situation before I'd feel comfortable offering any advice or suggestions. There are so many variables, and not knowing the whole story, any advice could possibly make your situation worse.I do see some positives, though. One, you say you have a therapist. That's great! I hope you're able to talk to them about this soon. Still, they can't give you legal advice, and a lot of this situation may be dictated by the law. What your therapist can help with, though, is dealing with whatever situation you have to follow by law. If you can't change the situation, you at least need to learn how to cope with it better. Two, you're 17. When you're 18, you're legally an adult and will not be bound by any custody rules or visitation plans in place. Honestly, teenagers usually have a lot of say with the courts in custody arrangements. Since you didn't specify more on the situation, I have no idea what your specific situation is. Were your parents ever married? Are they separated or divorced? Was there ever a court hearing for custody? Not all couples have an official court order arrangement. All families are different, too. Was there abuse between your parents? Towards you by one of them? Does either of them have addiction issues, major health or mental health issues, or anything like that? You mentioned that you want to live with your mom, but didn't say why. Are you afraid to tell your dad you want to stay with your mom? Is mom the lenient and fun parent while dad is the more strict one, or is there something else going on? This isn't a decision that should be placed entirely on you, and it also isn't a decision that anyone else needs to make on your behalf without your input. But advice on what to do needs to come from the people who know more about your situation so they can help recommend the best thing for you. Whatever you do, hang in there! 18 will be here before you know it. Focus on that. Freedom. College. Plan for your future that YOU control, and focus on making it the best it can be. Do not let the anxiety and depression cloud your thoughts and make you do something irreversible.
Topic: anger-management

Question: How can I stop being so angry?
I have not been able to really sleep. I stay up all times of the night not even knowing why. Every day, I feel like I have anger inside of me. I have a little family, but I can't open up to them like I want to. I have a son, and I feel that I take my anger out on him by screaming at him.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
Best question is....what are you so angry about?  You can't stop being so angry until you figure out what is the root of your anger.  If you feel like you have anger inside, while I am sure you do.  Taking it out on your son is only passing on the hurt and anger.  This will be inside him too.  Get some professional help so that you can be happy and have a happy child.
Topic: depression

Question: Can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?
I'm going through some things with my feelings and myself. I barely sleep and I do nothing but think about how I'm worthless and how I shouldn't be here.
   I've never tried or contemplated suicide. I've always wanted to fix my issues, but I never get around to it.
   How can I change my feeling of being worthless to everyone?

Answer (from Lee KingI use an integrative approach to treatment and have an online therapy practice.):
First thing I'd suggest is getting the sleep you need or it will impact how you think and feel. I'd look at finding what is going well in your life and what you can be grateful for. I believe everyone has talents and wants to find their purpose in life. I think you can figure it out with some help.