thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I tell if my spouse had sex with a prostitute?
My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

Answer (from Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive):
Hello, The truth is that you will never know unless your husband decides to be upfront about the details to gain your trust.  One thing is for sure though, not knowing and having this uncertainty in your heart will push your husband and you further away from being able to repair the marriage.  The best thing you both can do is seek professional help to navigate this issue and start doing damage control.  It sounds as if you are committed to this marriage and I am sure your husband is too.  It will take some time and purpose, but you can recover from this if you both commit.  Don't wait and start working the steps to find peace of mind and a way to reconnect with the man you love.  Mirella~Image and Likeness Counseling
Topic: anxiety

Question: Why do I feel anxious and uncomfortable at parties or big social situations?
Example would be homecoming? I was at my high school's home football game on Friday, and I left because I felt uncomfortable with all the people there and I just wanted to be by myself. Why is that?

Answer (from Amelia Mora MarsHi, I'm Amelia. I help overwhelmed, stressed out teen girls and women find peace again.):
Hi! I'm Amelia. Oh, that is so frustrating! Have you ever heard of social anxiety? Sounds like you may be suffering from it. Here is a link to a quiz... https://www.psycom.net/social-anxiety-test/.Besides being a therapist, I am a Mom to 10 kids. A couple of my kids are very uncomfortable with crowds and become very anxious. Find yourself a therapist who can assess you and spend time with you to address these issues and to help you learn tools to help you navigate these emotions.I am wishing you the best!
Topic: relationships

Question: My boyfriend is upset about my friendship with another guy
I have a friend that who I used to be in a relationship with. It was brief and turned into us being just good friends.
   I spent the weekend with him and it upset my boyfriend. Was i wrong?

Answer (from Allison VelezIs your relationship worth it?):
While you can't be responsible for your boyfriend's feelings, relationships do come with expectations.  Both people in a relationship bring their own expectations into it.  These expectations are usually unspoken, but result in conflict as you are experiencing here!  Your boyfriend expects you not to spend the weekend with this guy.  He may expect you not to spend the weekend with any guy at all.  He may expect you to spend every single weekend with him!  You'll have to decide if his expectations are ones you can live with.  Relationships do require some compromise out of concern for our partner, but you get to choose how much you compromise. We get upset about things that make us feel insecure.  You spending the weekend with an ex makes your boyfriend feel insecure.  That doesn't mean you did anything wrong.  It just means that you have to decide if it's more important for you to maintain your freedom to spend weekends with whomever you wish, or to help your boyfriend feel secure in your relationship. Good luck!  Hope that helps,Allison
Topic: diagnosis

Question: How does a counselor diagnose someone with a disorder?

Answer (from Leonard PikaardWhen you're ready, help is here.):
The short answer? By observing symptoms. The long answer and reality is that counselors use many tools for this purpose, including but not limited to: self reporting/surveying from clients, diagnostic tools and questionnaires, reports from School, family or other health professionals and social workers, court records, medical records, and the therapist's observation of client's thought patterns, affect, emotions and behaviors.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How does someone approach a counselor?
How does a person start the counseling process?

Answer (from Shy PorterSpecialist in couples & individuals):
Great question. The decision to pursue therapy can be a very difficult one and the fact that there seem to be so many profiles that you have to wade through can be particularly daunting. Here's what I suggest to make the process a bit easier: 1) Narrow down your preferred geographical area. Are you in a rural, suburban, or urban environment? If it's either of the latter two, you'll probably have a mental health professional close by. Decide now if it's important to you that their office be within walking or short driving distance. 2) Decide if you need it to be covered by your insurance. You'll have more options if you're willing to pay out of pocket and get reimbursed by your insurance, but more and more people are accepting insurance these days. 3) Find someone whose profile has the key words that you're looking for. If you're struggling with traumatic flashbacks, make sure they have "trauma" or something along those lines in their profile.4) Make sure they have a friendly and professional picture. This is small, but this detail shows that they really care about how they present to the world. 5) Come up with a list of about 3 people and rank them from most appealing to least. Set up an appointment with the person who seems like the best fit and give it a try for the first session. You'll know by the end of it if it's a good fit.It can be scary, but finding the perfect fit makes it so worth it. Good luck!
Topic: anger-management

Question: Why do I get angry so easily?
Sometime when small thing happen, like losing a comb, I get furious. I even start throwing things. Do I have a problem?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Anyone who asks whether or not they have a problem, usually feels at least partly, that they do have a problem.Your answer to the question is what matters.Since you already understand that your reaction is overstated to the events which trigger them, the reactions you're having are more than likely anger that is leftover from past events, either in the near or distant past.Be aware, consider, reflect on  how you usually handle feeling angry.  Based on your description here, it is quite likely that the anger you show toward what you call "little things" reflect anger at much bigger matters that are uncomfortable and not easy to understand.Knowing more about the more significant matters causing frustration for you, may very likely decrease reacting angrily toward smaller matters.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I wake up without having an anxiety attack?
I have these dreams of men, and they always seem to try to hurt me. It's gotten so bad that I first wake at 4:30, then 4:45, and finally stay awake by 6:00. I'm always the last one to fall asleep and the first to wake. I hate falling asleep. The longest I've went without sleep is three days.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
The good news about your dreams is that your fears are right at the surface of your mind so you can study them and release some of the harm from the terrifying experiences you had which created these bad memories in the first place.The bad news is the feelings themselves are sickening.Probably a therapist would be very helpful for guiding you to unfold these uneasy feelings and their source.This type of deep work is easier with emotional support from someone.  A therapist can give you this plus is knowledgeable about dynamics of someone having been emotionally harmed by another.Or, read a lot online and find out which articles resonate with your emotions.Luckily people are willing to express personal stories of recuperating a sense of peace and safety after being violated by someone.
Topic: addiction

Question: The organization I work for has told me I cannot go to my 12 step meetings
This is my recovery, and I don't feel that it is okay for them to ask this. They told me it is policy due to the fact that I may run into a peer there. I am a peer counselor in the small community that I grew up in. I am in recovery myself. I was asked to come work for this organization after I was two years sober (I was in treatment in this organization). I work with mental health peers and run life skill groups. I don't work with substance peers.

Answer (from Jason Lynch, MS, LMHC, LCAC, ADSIndividual & Couples Therapy):
I worked for an organization that had a similar policy, although I'm not aware of it ever being enforced. Most of the employees were in recovery and active in 12-step programs. It has always been my personal practice that if I am present at a meeting and encounter a current client, I will leave. No questions asked. If I encounter a former client, I may decide to stay, depending on how involved I was in the treatment of that client, but I will not share during the meeting to avoid any inappropriate self-disclosure. I live in a relatively large city with a lot of groups, so it's possible to find meetings where I don't run into clients. This can be much more challenging in a smaller city. I understand that you don't work directly with peers in substance abuse treatment, but we know that many of our clients with chronic mental illness also have chemical dependency issues. Therefore, it is possible that you might encounter them at 12-step meetings. Perhaps you could try online meetings or consider driving to an adjacent city or town to attend meetings?
Topic: spirituality

Question: I'm struggeling with the idea of if God real or not?
Maybe this is a stupid question, but I sometimes don't know what's real or not. If feel at times like everyone's lying. How do I know if God is one of those lies?

Answer (from Cory Ian Shafer LPCPsychotherapist, Jungian, Hypnotherapy):
The way that I see it is that Humans have always been afraid of life and death, historically we have always tried to understand life, we try to organize it, categorize it, explore it, and we've built up this system, our system and societies system around us to help us define what life and (death) is, this system or way is not real but only a perception of our own value judgements, it is, no matter how you try to argue it, a false system of conditioning, humans have a finite mind and a finite mind cannot ever hope to understand an infinite mind of which a god would be. God has been developed over time as a security blanket for our child-like selves, the world is a beautifully brutal place and what is more reassuring than a master that will take care of us and show us the way. On Earth alone there are thousands of gods and even many more systems of thought, economics, societal structures and so on, it is almost as though it were a supermarket with so many choices, we have more choices in gods than we do flavors of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, so then I ask you, "which one is real?, and "what is real?"
Topic: family-conflict

Question: How can I avoid family members who stress me out?
My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Answer (from Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!):
Both you and your mom are in a tough spot.  She has returned to parenting after she thought she had raised her kids, and while I am sure you'd like to be supportive, you recognize that listening to her complaints really does not help her and drains you.  In addition to that, it sounds like Mom's complaining has become "the" conversation she has with you, leaving other, more fulfilling conversations out of your relationship.Think about what you want instead with your mom.  More time with just her?  A chance to offer true help,not just listen to complaints? When you have some idea of what you want, tell her.  You can do this kindly and respectfully, with a concern for both her and your relationship with her.  It might go something like this..."Mom, you really have your hands full.  Sis dumped your grandbaby on you and I bet this isn't how you imagined grandparenting would look.  It's got to be hard and I am not sure how I can be helpful.  Beyond that, I really miss talking to you about other things.  So, Mom, is there something I can do that would be helpful?  If not, let's talk about something else".In addition to that, if your mom is open to other resources, help her find them - she needs some emotional support from a non-family member.Good luck to you both - and to your niece.  It is a hard situation for you all.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Good question!The client's job is to concentrate on stating the details of their problem and to thoughtfully engage in a dialogue about these areas with the therapist.The most difficult job for a client is willingness to self-examine, hold oneself accountable for relationship and life situations, and honestly feel the difficult, often painful feelings and insecurities which troubling situations create.The client doesn't train the therapist.If you feel you are with a therapist who requires you to train them, then politely decline continuing to pay for their services.Then find yourself a different therapist who feels secure and knowledgeable enough in their skills to not require training by their client.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Thoughts of afterlife causes anxiety
Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven.  When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety.  Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.

Answer (from Eleanor Haspel-PortnerLive a Life you Love. Let me be your guide.):
Your life here matters and being present in it so you feel joy in yourself and your surroundings is important in creating your sense of ease and balance. No one can predict, for sure, what happens after death because consciousness transcends boundaries and limits we tend to impose on it. That said, if reincarnation exists or if there is a heaven or hell your consciousness of it will most likely be free of discomfort or pain as you experience it now. Meditating or doing self-hypnosis for anxiety can help alleviate your thoughts and sense of fear and living the a life of kindness and balance will assure that your future will be happy for you regardless of the unknown.
Topic: trauma

Question: What is the best way to cope with the loss of someone to suicide?
I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Answer (from Jessica DobbsTherapist):
Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org.
Topic: relationships

Question: How do I tell my boyfriend I wanna be with him but not in a relationship?
I've been with him for a couple months. We will talk everyday and he will get mad over something I will say and not talk to me. We have our great moments, but I just need to focus on my personal situations, and I feel he is slowing me down with that. I still wanna be with him, but not now.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
I have learned that the best approach is to say that you need the time to get yourself together, mature, learn, outside of a intimate relationship but just in a friend to friend relationship...don't blame him or point fingers at him.... most likely if you did that it would not go well.  If you make it about you and that you want the best for him while you work on self, it would be taken better.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Deborah HarlandYou Deserve to be Happy):
It's not just you... crying is one way our bodies attempt to heal. There could be many reasons why the tears come but there is nothing wrong or abnormal about crying in therapy. Just the opposite as many times there is a deep need to mourn or simply let the pain out, but not everyone has a good support system in place. Hopefully, therapy would give you a place to allow those feelings to finally surface and then start to feel relief from not having to hold it all inside anymore. Regardless of if it is a physical injury or emotional pain, crying is a normal response to your body wanting to heal. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve care and nurturing. Allow the tears as much as you need.
Topic: anger-management

Question: I'm being emotionally abused by my dad. I need advice on how to hold my temper with him

Answer (from Natalie Rosado, MA, LMHCI specialize in providing support to teens, young adults, and women.):
First, I'd like to say that I can't imagine what it must feel like to live in your shoes and have to be exposed to such treatment. Oftentimes, people don't recognize how serious this type of abuse can be. It's very important you first recognize that it is absolutely impossible for any of us to change a person. So the only thing you have control over is you - your response, your set boundaries, and your support system. It's very important that you set healthy boundaries, express these expectations to him, and consistently follow them. I cannot stress how important have a strong support system - a circle of caring people - who can help keep you accountable with your boundaries and who you can reach out to if you ever feel your safety is at risk. There is only so much I can explain via writing so let me know if you need any additional help. Feel free to contact me.  - Natalie
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Kellie Spear, LCMHC, LMFTCompassionate online support & encouragement ):
Therapy brings people in for many different reasons. Most of the time it is because something in your life is not right and having someone to talk to that is not a friend or family member can be very helpful. We have many emotions, some are easy to share in front of others, some are not as easy. When you step into the therapy room, you go in with expectations of some sort. Even if you did not expect to cry, it is quite normal to do so. Talking about your emotions in the counseling room can be helpful as part of your therapy. Share with your counselor what it feels like for you to cry in therapy, as you explore together you will learn more about the connection between thoughts and feelings.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: Is it normal to cry at therapy?
Is it normal for people to cry during therapy, or is it just me?

Answer (from Shauntai Davis-YearginPersonalized, private online counseling for individuals and couples):
Although not everyone cries in therapy. In my opinion crying is a emotion that some express in therapy. Crying is something that some express when it’s hard to discuss situations that may have never been discussed, When discussing traumatic experiences, and at times crying has even happened to some of my past clients when they have had a breakthrough in their therapy process.
Topic: depression

Question: How can I get counseling if my primary care physician won't help?
I suffer from adult ADHD, anxiety disorder, and depression. It has been difficult to find a doctor in my area and my primary physician won't help. I am unemployed and overwhelmed. What would you suggest I do?

Answer (from Elizabeth AndersonMFT Registered Intern):
I would check out agencies that offer affordable counseling based on your income or very low cost counseling sessions, i.e., Pacific Clinics, Hathaway Sycamore, Pasadena Mental Health Center, Burbank Family Center. If you google affordable or low cost therapy in your particular area you will find resources to help you.
Topic: marriage

Question: My husband seems to be changing, and I feel angry and hurt
My husband took a job out of state for the next year and seems to be a different person. Before, he worked and slept, and on off days, he'd stay home because he didn't want to do anything else. Now he's going out with friends several nights a week while I'm still home working a 50 hours a week job and taking care of two kids by myself. He's suddenly saying he misses me and wants me to be his adored wife, but the whole time, I'm remembering how I've been emotionally starving for the last five years.

Answer (from Kathryn ClappKathryn Clapp LMHC, LLC):
It seems that you have been very disconnected from each other which naturally  could contribute to symptoms of saddness and even depression. Obviously something has shifted which you do not understand. Therefore,  perhaps you should consider attending Couples therapy to help work through your concerns and feelings?  It would also be beneficial to assess if in fact any depression or other underlying issue is going on. Communication is so important in any relationship and the manner in which we express ourselves to our partner can either invite curiosity and emotional connection, or shut down connection. IMAGO dialoguing is a helpful tool for couples for communication as it teaches  validating and empathic listening to better heal disconnection.
Topic: relationships

Question: My ex-boyfriend say we're finished but still acts like we aren't
I've been with a man for four years. For the last year, he has said he is done, but he still talks, texts, visits, and has not moved on with anyone else. His words do not match his actions. I love this man, but it's hurting so much.

Answer (from Catherine Misita):
That does sound very confusing...and hurtful.  You do not have to tolerate someone treating you in a way that hurts you.  It may be helpful to decide where the boundaries are for you and to stay true to them in your interactions with him.  You teach other people how they are allowed to treat you.