thejana/Elective_dataset huggingface dataset:
Topic: relationships

Question: My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship?
I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice?

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
What Makes Love Last? how to build trust and avoid betrayal by John Gottman is a great book for you both to start reading. You may also want to invest some time and energy in couples therapy. It sounds like there is a lack of trust in your relationship, likely a hangover from your beginnings, that would be helpful for you both to work through to truly be able to forgive and move forward.
Topic: counseling-fundamentals

Question: How would I know if I have the right therapist?
How do you know you have the right therapist for you?
 How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Answer (from Ashley BryantRestoring the mind, the couple, and the family.):
You will know when you have the right there is when you have been able to establish a trusting relationship with this person, there's a level of honesty and transparency within this relationship, and this person challenges you on different levels to come out of your comfort zone and to grow.
Topic: anxiety

Question: How can I avoid thinking much?
I start thinking deeply about everything I may do or say and about anything that may happen. I really want to avoid it since it really bothers me.

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
As you know (probably very well), those types of thinking patterns are energy suckers.  I'm assuming you are often tired and don't sleep as well as you could, especially as our thoughts tend to creep up on us when we are trying to fall asleep.One thing to know is that those thought patterns are a protective mechanism.  Ruminating on what could happen and how we will respond is how we feel prepared for what's to come.  In a logical sense, there's so much uncertainty in life that trying to plan all that out is nearly impossible.  Although not a bad idea to have a game plan or rehearse how you are going to respond to conflict, endlessly revisiting those things tend to take away from why we want to be prepared in the first place--to protect our well-being (in any aspect).  The trick is how to calm the brain which is so much easier said than done!  To start, take the time to write your thoughts down.  You can do that via journaling, or by splitting a piece of paper into two categories (one side is helpful planning and other side unhelpful planning).  The brain is a spectacular organ, but sometimes we really need to see things externally to be able to process them effectively.  Excessive worry is really a result of pretty significant fears--whether those fears come from not feeling like you can handle situations, that other people can't handle things, that you will lose something important to you, or that you will fail.  Writing about those fears could help you understand where those thoughts are coming from, or you could even talk those out with a friend or counselor.  Sometimes someone else's feedback about our situations can change how we see things since we tend to get perpetually stuck in the same perspectives.My last suggestion is to work on trying to stay in the present via mindfulness, at least 5 minutes a day.  It's probably going to feel foreign and weird, maybe even scary, since you live more in the future vs the present moment.  It's common for the brain to respond by trying to push back into those thinking patterns, but mindfulness actually increases your ability to problem-solve and see things more clearly.  Constant anxiety clouds us.  Mindfulness clears that out.  And I'm sure you really could use a brain break!
Topic: relationships

Question: People make me sick
I have several issues like I don't like people. They make me sick. I have issues with talking to people. I feel like they are talking about me and making fun of me. I have felt this way for years. When I look people in the eyes I have voices that tell me to hurt them and if I don't stop looking at who I am talking to it gets so loud I can't hear what they are saying. I just stay away from people to avoid this. I look at people and think how I could hurt them. I feel like I am worthless and would be better off not in this world where I don't fit in. Every day I wake up it's like another day. Any info would be good.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
Sounds like you are dealing with a lot within your self which is causing you great pain.  I would suggest that first you get a full physical evaluation to make sure that you are ok physically.  Then getting a mental evaluation as well from a psychiatrist.  Seeing both would help rule out any physically or psychologically causes to your symptoms.    After getting these evaluations, your physician should be able to help guide you on what treatments would be the best to help with your everyday challenges your are facing.  Whether treatment includes medication and/or psychotherapist would be discussed.  Please consider doing both immediately so you can have the live you want everyday you wake up.
Topic: human-sexuality

Question: Why do I have sexual urges for my sister?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Without knowing more details about your personal family dynamics and your age, I am only able to guess.Maybe the reason is because she looks attractive to you.   Whether this means anything more than a fleeting fantasy moment or if it is more serious, depends for how long you've felt this way toward her.Sexual urges are sometimes hidden wish to be nurtured.   If your sister reminds you of a loving presence then your sexual urge for her may really reflect your need to be nurtured, not necessarily sexually satisfied.Basically, give yourself the mental freedom to let your mind wander as to your own theory on your question.When the find the answer which feels accurate you'll have a sense of having reached your answer.
Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from Eric Rhinehart, LMFT, LAADC, CCMI-M, CIPER Interventions & Therapy Services):
That must be really hard for you to talk about and I'm sorry they're treating you this way. Sounds like there are some issues in regards to boundaries between you and your parents. It must be hard feeling like you have nowhere to go and feel the need to take it. Also sounds like there may be some other layers to your struggle like all living together and differing in parenting possibly from one generation to the next? One thing that could really benefit you is to learn how to establish more clear boundaries with them. This is much easier said than done and requires much efforts on your part. One technique that will help is learning how to use a communication technique called appropriate assertiveness. It's basically learning how to voice your concerns in a clear, concise way without being aggressive. It's a technique that can take some time to learn how to use effectively and appropriately. There are many different books and research out there about establishing boundaries that will be of benefit to you. Moreover, it's important to keep in mind that things might get worse before they get better, as with most changes in family systems.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I move on?
I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

Answer (from Lauren GoldsteinGLBTQ Affirmative Relationship Therapist for individuals and couples):
The best way to move on is to give yourself sufficient time and space away from your ex so you can heal.  That means no checking out your ex on social media platforms and no contact.  In order to move on and diminish the obsessions, help yourself recognize and accept that the relationship is over, and make sure to get sufficient support in processing all your feelings.  Once that takes place, it can be useful to explore and process with a professional the meaning of the relationship and to understand your part in what transpired.Sometimes people obsess because they have difficulties accepting what's already taken place and want things to be different.  The key to moving forward is to be loving toward yourself, to give yourself permission to grieve the loss, and to start cultivating new and healthy habits/patterns.  Reengage in your present life, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, and start creating goals and taking small steps to create the amazing life you want for yourself.
Topic: stress

Question: How can I be less stressed?
I need help knowing how to deal with stress. What can I do?

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Finding the root of your stress, what stresses you most? Finding techniques to combat that, and many have found release, relief in acupuncture, and emotional freedom techniques.
Topic: addiction

Question: How can I get away from my phone?
For some reason, I look at my phone, and in no time, five hours has passed. During those five hours, I'm playing games and trying to find out how to make my phone fun to use so I don't feel like I wasted my time trying to improve my phone's performance in my life.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Start by spending small amounts of time with your own thoughts and feelings.Always being focused on what a phone offers keeps people at a distance from knowing themselves.As long as you make time to spend in an activity which is not interactive the way a phone is, and instead depends only upon your actions, you will be investing time and energy into your own life.Whether by consciously considering your own interests, or doing housecleaning or chores, by devoting yourself to areas which you decide to be involved in, you will increase your knowledge of your own interests.Then, to not be so involved with your phone will be natural and easy.
Topic: professional-ethics

Question: What is the proper procedure if your child's therapist is leaving the practice to work elsewhere?

Answer (from Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHCAttorney & Licensed Mental Health Counselor):
When terminating employment, counselors need to make sure they don't abandon their clients. There are several ways a counselor can avoid abandoning a client. First, the counselor can refer the client to another clinician at the place of employment. Second, the counselor could refer the client to another clinician outside of the place of employment. Third, the counselor could continue to work with the client in the new place of employment.In the end, the best interest of the client should be the the basis for which option is selected.
Topic: parenting

Question: How do I kick my stepdaughter out of our house because she isn't honoring boundaries set for her?
She's in her early 20s, and she has a toddler.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Well, first let's identify what factors are involved in the situation about which you wrote.Are you the only decision maker regarding your stepdaughter living with you?Is her dad, and your partner, living under the same roof?Would you feel any obligation to consult with your husband about his opinion and his way of handling the situation?Have you talked with your stepdaughter about your observation and your reaction to the fact of her not honoring your boundaries?Consider too that there will be an effect on the toddler, your grandchild, if you kick out your daughter.Is your daughter financially ready to live on her own and support herself and her child?You certainly have the right to define the terms of what goes on under your roof.It is only fair to everyone that as many variables as possible, be considered.The conclusion may be that it is in everyone's best interest for your stepdaughter to move out.If everyone feels respected and a well thought out plan is developed, then the least amount of hurt and stress, and the most amount of happiness, will be possible from this change.
Topic: intimacy

Question: I'm not comfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media
For some reason I feel very uncomfortable with my girlfriend showing off her body in certain poses on social media. I know she is proud of her body and I respect that, but I dont feel comfortable with her openly showing off her body the way she does.
   Anytime I bring it up to her she thinks Im calling her a whore. How can I deal with my girlfriend showing off her body on social media and not hurt her feelings?

Answer (from Dr. Tenille Richardson-QuaminaExpert in Issues Caused by the Internet and Social Media):
Topic: domestic-violence

Question: How do I overcome the nightmare from the domestic violence of a past relationship?
I am a survivor of domestic violence from a past relationship. Even after seven years, I still have horrible nightmares. I wake up in sweat, and the dreams feel so real.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. First things first, I am so glad that you are alive and very sorry that you had to endure such a terrible experience. Now, let's talk about these nightmares. The first thing I want to tell you is that you are NOT losing your mind. Many people start to think that may be the case if they are still suffering from the affects of something that happened a long time ago. That's not the case. There is no time set time for which we should be "over" something like this. I am not sure if you received counseling after what happened to you, but that may be something to consider. Bad nightmares could be the sign of something like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), which would include other symptoms like being startled easily, re-experiencing the event, or avoiding places that remind you of it. There are other symptoms, as well, so if you believe this may be something you have you may want to seek counseling. There are good treatments for PTSD. If you cannot seek counseling at this time, there are some things you can do to try to manage the dreams on your own. I would encourage you to look up "sleepy hygiene" and try to make your bedtime rituals as relaxing as possible. You can also Google search "Nightmare re-scripting" or "Nightmare Exposure" and get some ideas on how you may be able to change your dreams. It may be a good idea to attend a domestic violence support group and get ideas from other survivors who no doubt have had sleep problems related to their experiences, too. Hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC
Topic: intimacy

Question: I'm soon to be married, and I've been messing around with others
I’m a man, and I’m soon to be married. I have been messing around with other men on the side. It started as a once in a while thing, but it’s been happening a lot. I don't know what to do.

Answer (from Karen ThackerRelationship Specialist):
Divorce is expensive emotionally and financially. If your fiance is not ok with an open marriage, it would be a good idea to seek the help of a counselor before you get married.
Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I get over a person I fell in love with?
I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before.    I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people.
   How can I get myself to just move on?

Answer (from Earl LewisRelationship Expert):
One of the most challenging areas for people to deal with is getting over the the person you have loved so much. It's a catch 22. You know mentally that it's not healthy to think about them. However, your feelings are still there. Moving on is tough. It takes time for feeling to go away. That's the thing, it's not the person you're trying to get over, it's the feeling and the idea of them that is that makes it difficult. You've learned a lot from the relationship and time will help. Activity will also help. Are you actively living your life? If not, go out and maybe it's time to date and find new love. Grow with new relationships and it will help create focus on someone who may even be better than the love you previously experienced. You can do it!Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.Com
Topic: intimacy

Question: How do I stay when the spark is gone?
We had our first kid 15 years ago, and sex has been nonexistent ever since. It only happens every three or four months. We have been to counseling, and I have been told over and over again she will come around. She hasn't, and I'm intimately lonely! I think it's time to move on, but how do I do that without hurting my kids?

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Pocahontas, This is a painful situation. When you're in a relationship, you assume that you will continue to receive warmth and affection. When it dries up, it's a very lonely place. It's possible that there is an unaddressed issue in the relationship. It's also possible that your partner has hormonal issues, pain issues,  sexual dysfunction or is asexual. There is no one answer here. Only you can decide what is right for you. But let me ask some questions to help you explore next steps:Aside from the sex, is your wife loving and supportive? What are the other ways in which you feel loved? Does your wife talk to you? Does she communicate her needs and desires? Does she articulate what gets in the way of having sex? If your wife is generally a loving, open partner, you use this to see that her behaviours aren't personal. Whether she resolves this or not, it can help you to cope with the rejection. This is your wife's issue, and the "ball" is in her court.In my opinion, if couple's therapy hasn't helped, it's time for your wife to own whatever is blocking her and address it with her physician and therapist. Let her be in charge of the sex for a while, to take the pressure off, and she can have the time to figure out what gets in the way of having regular sexual intimacy in your relationship. If you think of this as "my wife is in crisis and needs support in figuring this out", it can help you manage your own emotions. Pressure to have sex might push her further away. Did the couple therapist help you to see the dynamic in your relationship? Has your partner identified something she feels she is lacking in the relationship? One good way to make sure you "get" is to "give" (and I mean give what she wants, not sex). It's appropriate to say to her now "I cannot live in a relationship with so little intimacy. I need for you to be honest with me about what you want for us sexually. If this is all you want, I'm not sure I can do it. If you want us to be more sexual, I need you to address what gets in the way for you."  Give her some time, help her in any way you can, and then see where you are. See if she does seek help to address an issue that is hers. Then...you have a decision to make. I encourage you to make it looking at the big picture, not just the sex.
Topic: parenting

Question: My fiancé's ex-husband shows up unannounced
he just walks in the house whenever he wants to see his kids. My fiancé tells me it makes her angry and doesn't like it, but she seems afraid to say anything to him about it for some reason. Is it okay for him to do this?

Answer (from Dr. Timothy Paul'man'; Online - "Natural Health Consultant and Coach"):
The kids are actually her Property, and he does have a claim to them as he wishes;The house is yours, I presume;So require that if he wishes to see his Property, it be done off of your Property;And, that as long as it remains your Property, you have jurisdiction over all those, therein;Require compensation for visits, and send him a bill;When he doesn't pay, send to the local sheriff, go to small claims court, and win a judgment against him for non-payment;I wonder how that might work out... act as man :)
Topic: depression

Question: How can I manage my anxiety?
I have twin toddlers. I experienced a death of loved one prior to giving birth. I had a horrible break up with the father. People told him he was using me for money. My ex-boyfriend had extreme meltdowns every day for three years. I’m always alone with no friends.

Answer (from Daniel Kelley-PetersenMental Health and Career Counselor):
First, let me say that you are a survivor and a warrior. Managing 1 child by yourself is difficult, but twins is a whole different ballgame. Anxiety can affect us at any time anywhere. This is the challenge, especially when we have so many things to manage each day. There are several methods and practices that help manage and even reduce symptoms of anxiety. It will depend on what works best for you. Talk with friends, a counselor, or a loved one who can offer you support and feedback as you navigate this process of learning what works for you. When all else fails; make sure you are in a safe place, pause for a deep, cleansing breath in, a long exhale out, and ask yourself, "What do I want in this moment?" Now you can begin again.
Topic: anxiety

Question: Could a rape that happened years ago be the cause of my anxiety?
I was raped repeatedly when I was younger. I told my parents and action was taken, but now that I’m an adult, I suffer from extreme anxiety.

Answer (from Barbara FerulloCounselor, LMHC):
It's not unusual for traumatic experiences that happened when we were younger to stay with us when we get older.  Traumatic experiences can become embedded in our bodies, as well as in our emotions.  If the issue doesn't get a chance to get resolved within, then external action doesn't necessarily take care of the problem.  Seek out a qualified trauma therapist so you can start to deal with the issues you're grappling with.