Student essay written in en (native language: French, CEFR level: B2, field of study: Sciences de l'education)

At first, i chose my studies to help me reach my goal job. I wanted to be an educator to let teenagers have a great adolescence unlike me. I thought that all my adolescence related traumas could happen to others and i wanted them to embrace their childhood and adolecence.
I always wanted to work with teenagers, i wanted to be someone in somebody's life and with my experience, i can tell everyone remembers at least oneof their teachers who were really cool. So i wanted to be the cool science teacher, then math teacher, then french teacher, and now, history teacher.
That's true, i want to do something that is not related to my studies, i failed, or i experimented failure by not choosing the right studies.
Now i am lost in a universe that isnot mine. Ironically i hate studying. If "dying" is in "studying", it is not just a coincidence. I hate it and i want to die, i feel depressed, i feel bad, i can't live a great life, but i still do it.
For me, my studies are just an excuse to not do something relevant in my life. I am scared of challenges, i am scared of failure, i am scared of myself.
When i was in highschool, i had a teacher, she is one of the reasons i didn't kill myself at that time. She was nice, she was cool, she was interesting. So, i wanted to make people like maths like she made me like it. But life is cruel, i had an horrible teacher next and, mixed with my depression, they decided maths were notfor me.
School was litterally HELL for me. Later,i found out i was a bit silly (doctors said it was autism).
But in the end, even if school isaliving hell, even if i feel depressed just by the thought of returning in highshool, even if i hated it with all my body and mind, i don't want teenagers to feel the same. I don't want anybody to feel depressed to the point they want to kill themselves. I don't want people to hate where they are the most. I want teenagers to embrace their adolescence. I want them to feel safe. I want them to love their lives, to live their lives.
I just want people to be happy unlike me.