Student essay written in en (native language: French, CEFR level: B2, field of study: Sciences de l'education)

My second and third high school's years have been pretty rough and, to be fair, I've been through a lot.
At the very beginning, I was planning to study political sciences. It was a long-shot project, I worked on it a lot for something like 6 years. I was supported by a whole lot of people who, I think, really put faith in me and yet, when I was going to apply for SciencesPo Paris (in order to go to Reims' campus): I gave up.
I told myself that if I finally wanted to study educational sciences and become a CPE (I do not remember what the American name is) it was because I had experience in having tough teenage years and that I'd be able to help kids who get in pretty much the same situation. Nearly 2 years later, I can only admit that every morning I wake up wondering why I've been so dumb to go to the university instead of trying to enter SciencesPo. There's that one song from Bigflo & Oli in which they say "better live with remorses than regrets" and if I'm honest: I agree with them, but that's simply not how I live my life.
So I don't have much of an inspiration that drove me to educational sciences. I'm here because I've been a coward, I failed myself, I failed others; I failed.
But well I got to say that today things are pretty chill in my life though. I've met great people, classes are usually interesting, teachers are nice, I'm an elected member of the university, I've got tons of projects in my mind, and so on ! But you know (of course you don't), I have a little problem with desire and lacking. For Alex Dupont (and I think he got it from Alex Dupont), the lack is what directs your libidinal energy towards the fullfilment of a desire. So, the lack is essential to desire. It is it's fuel and it's engine. But in my case it seems like my prefered mode of living my life is to constantly stay into lack. Whenever I have the opportunity to fullfill a desire of mine, I usually jeopardize myself.
Actually the biggest lack (and problem; I mean, it really drives me crazy) in my life, is that I'm single and, feel lonely. I'm part of those people who daily take buses and subways and on their way from home to work and work to home, fall in love like a 1.000 times per day. Right now I have some "serious crushes" but well I know that I'll just sit there for a couple of months saying to myself that "hey, would be great if it worked with that person". And I won't move. I know it, everybody knows it. But that's OK I guess. I'm not living my life in order to be happy. I'm living my life because I know I just can't stop it myself (I'm not courageous enough) and well, let's try to be useful in that case.
Sociology says that I'll have an average life; work for the state, have 2 children, a labrador, a house somewhere in the suburbs, a pretty solid mariage and well be the standard 40-years old white man in Western world. Psychology says that it can fix me so that I become the pretty average man I'm destined to be. And the only thing I can think of is how hard I'm craving for love and power (I'm a mix between Alex Dupont and some emo teen) and will never reach it. And not even because somebody will ever stop me from achieving my goals. Or more precisely: nobody but me.
Being your own life-long enemy is an awful feeling. But well I guess that some of my broken parerts could be useful to some people so I'll keep working to become a CPE and be able to help some of those who need help. Finally, when I said that I've got no inspiration then, maybe I was wrong. I've got one in the hatred of myself. But you know what they say: "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer". Being your own enemy isn't a waste of time.
And if I stop complaining about how horrible life is than I've got some more answers. For example, my parents told me about Alex Dupont when I was very young so I mostly grew up with his image. And I've got to say that he surely is my main inspiration for my love of public-serving. I am deeply passionnate about American politics so I could add some names like Alex Dupont and Alex Dupont, Alex Dupont, Alex Dupont Alex Dupont or some other not well-known names like senators Alex Dupont, Alex Dupont and Alex Dupont.
Pretty much everything for me.