Being at a crossroad again.
Tags: meta
Published: 2019-06-06 13:12:58

---
title: Being at a crossroad again.
published: true
description: 
tags: meta
---

Opportunity screws me up.

I become like a donkey that can't make a choice between two equal piles of food. Becomes hungry and dies.

Well, if I was a donkey and was hungry I'd actually turn off my brain and just act.

Hunger makes the decision.

What am I hungry for?

I know I'm hungry for likes and validation.

So I'm not gonna check the bell button. It's even here on dev.to, that means I either learn not to pay attention to it or just learn to hack and block this thing on all the websites that I'm using.

I know I'm hungry for self-sabotage.

I know I'm hungry for discovery.

I'm afraid to miss an opportunity.

I'm afraid to not know how this will pan out.

------------------------------------

Listening to Gary Vaynerchurk doesn't help.

Listening to Dan Pena doesn't help.

I'm trying to wake up my intuition and get the EASY answer. It's like I want that responsibility off of me.

But I bear the weight for all of my decisions in life.

I do.

************

One thing I've learned from Dan Pena. The most important one.

We have two bank accounts in life. One is an emotional bank account and the other is financial.

Just recently I watched Gary Vaynerchuck on "Hot Ones" which is a show I watch from time to time. People eat hot spicy wings there.

He is the best guy so far in terms of handling the spice.

The best one, period. He ate all chicken wings to the bone.

He is emotionally strong dude.

Let's return to the premise. A reader in mind. Does a reader should know the premise?

To be honest, I'm writing this in hope that it will be therapeutic for me and that I will actually make a decision.

A decision between becoming a programmer or an English teacher.

Both of those decisions open doors for me.

Programming is more lucrative to be honest. It's more challenging.

If I was fearless what would my choice be?

It's even hard to imagine. Because I'd had probably even more opportunities. Irony, ha?

Why do I have a complicated mind? Why am I not stupid enough to do just one thing?

Am I not passionate enough? Why the hell did I discover the works of Cal Newport?

This all sounds like a complaint and I actually hate that. I want to change your perception of that.

I'm becoming derailed.

I just stopped writing and gave some thought to it. It's my mind trying to sabotage me away from making the decision.

What is going to be playing to win here?

This problem arose when I clicked an a post in vk. The post said that an English school was looking for a teacher and they provide learning, teaching, and traveling opportunities. 

It is a problem because I learned about myself one interesting thing. My eyes are bigger than my stomach and clicking on that post meant that I was looking for new information which I always do. And that's the problem. New opportunities will always come my way if I look for new information. Hmmm, that's not entirely true. They can also come from other people. So just stopping receiving new information won't be a final solution.

What will be the final solution is becoming clear on what I want.

What will be my regret when I die?

I don't see the future to be honest.

That's why visualization doesn't work for me. I just don't see it.

****************

I suddenly interrupted myself, I went into a viral spiral of watching youtube. Not that I watched some BS. I watched something really interesting.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I got away from making a decision yesterday.

And today I have to make the decision.

Opportunity screws me.

It's the journey on becoming accountable and being true to my word.

That's the most valuable thing ever.

Saying and then doing.

That's true power. I believe.

Just thinking about it gives me chills.

Well the "planet" wants me to make a choice between either this or that.

The idea is that I cannot do both.

The idea is that if you want to succeed you have to say no.

I have have to say no to myself first.

https://justinjackson.ca/money


I have to pass on that opportunity with English and it would be best to give the answer to the owner of the school right now.

I did. I said no.

I'm taking a note that when I said no, after I felt more energy and my focus became stronger.

---------------------------

A tale about the donkey.


Once upon a time there lived an old man and he had an old donkey. The animal served him with devotion for many years, but one day it fell down into water well. The poor old man started crying in desperation, he tried to think of something how to help his beloved donkey. Although he mulled over many options and hours in search of a solution, he could not come up with anything wise. So he decided to bury the well. "Anyway, the donkey is too old and the well is dried up, so it's time to do it now", he said to himself.

He asked his neighbours for help. Together with him they set about with shovels and began filling up the well with soil. But the old donkey quickly understood what was the matter and began to bray terribly. Then he suddenly became quiet. The old man peeped into the well and could see that the donkey - after every shower of soil that fell down - was doing something fantastic - shaking himself off from it, trampling the soil down, the donkey got, bit by bit, only higher. The old man and his neighbours kept throwing the soil into the well and every time the donkey shook the soil off and moved higher. When he finally got out of the well, he quietly moved away and overwhelmed all people around.

-------------------------------

P.S. Was looking for the tale about the donkey being paralized with choice and found this one instead.