The incongruity of being sensible on your workplace
Tags: womenintech, mentalhealth, management, inclusion
Published: 2019-10-19 11:27:36

Greetings,

I don't know when did this become a place to ramble about my thoughts on being a woman in a tech workplace, but something happened yesterday, and I'm in the mood to write about it.

Yesterday, I saw a situation where a co-worker(a girl) that works in dev, went through something that happened to me a couple of times, and that ends up leading me into a realization, that I probably should have reached sooner when it was with me.

She was caught in a conversation with a manager, where she got hurt from something he said, and couldn't continue the conversation, she started to get emotional about the situation and left saying she didn't want to talk about it at that point. From my point of view, she was not rude, she didn't want to say something she regretted, so she left. I actually feel like I wish I was able to do something like that, when I was younger, instead of sitting there, listening to something I was not ready to ear and end up regretting the situation by saying things I am not proud of.

The same way that happened to me before, she was later accused of losing her reason, by leaving the situation.

So this leads me to the next conclusion, it's not ok, to bully someone, especially in your workplace, into having a conversation with you. Is especially not ok, when you are a manager or his/her manager. It's not ok to accuse someone of losing her reason, by wanting to have time to gather his/her thoughts and talk later.

We often see people saying that is good to have women in their workplace, because they are sensitive to others needs because they understand things differently and give new angles that are way much inclusive, of both men and women.
But then when a situation like this happens, I see the guys(and even girls, which really makes me lose my shit) that usually are cool and inclusive to be the first to laugh, joke, or accuse someone of being too sensible. 

When does sensible become too sensible? I've been on a management role, and seen/did things I actually regret now, because I was in believe they were right, and that I had to get rid of this sensibility. And that I or anyone else were immature by being sensible.

Either someone is completely bipolar and is able to be sensitive to some things and not sensible to others, which I don't understand how, since sensibility is not rational, or we are simply being asked to turn on and off our characteristics, when they bother others, in certain situations.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that is especially important, for everyone, but actually even more, for people in management roles, to be able to deal with these situations correctly. And I understand is not easy, we are all people, and the same way I wish this, the manager is probably wishing he/she was able to deal with the person without having to deal with his/her feelings(been there, done that, that is why I now know, management is not for me). 
But if you work with people(wish I guess that's why you are a manager), and the person you are talking to, has any kind of minimal interest on what they do, be careful to give them the needed space to deal with their own sensibilities. 

Wanting to discuss something later, instead of on that moment, is not a sign of weakness, is a sign you are in front of a person, and that this person is in need of space to calm down, digest what you just said and talk with you later. So just give it, without judging, because you can later understand that you were actually not being your best on this conversation and it will also give you time to try and understand a better way to explain yourself or talk about the subject that leads to the situation in the first place, so it's a win-win.

PS: I'm not actually the best on this waiting game also, when I am on the other side, wanting to say something, to get it sorted, this calming down and not making someone resolve the subject on that moment, applies to me also, so the same way I want to be more sensitive to others feelings and try this out myself, I advise you to do the same.


Thanks,
Best Regards