Fear of Success?(My story)
Tags: selfimprovement
Published: 2019-06-19 07:47:27

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rashad. I have loved tech for as long as I can remember. I have always be fascinated by why and how things work. I also love to learn. I enjoy finding out new developments in the tech world and want to be a part of some new discoveries myself. I currently hold a bachelors degree in Network Security and am working towards getting the Comptia Security+ certification. Now that we got the intro out of the way lets talk about why I'm writing this... I have had my bachelors degree since 2014. Why do I have no certifications you ask? Because they are kind of expensive and I think I have a fear of success... It's crazy to read and even crazier to admit. I have had this revelation for a while now and I wanted to see if I'm crazy or if there are others out there like me. I have always been a above average student. I caught on very quickly and could retain information with out a problem. I had/have great memory recall if I do say so myself. But for some strange reason I have not been able to immerse myself into the world of IT. I have worked in the IT field as a desktop analyst for my now 3rd company. At each company I learn the system and my IT knowledge grows but I can not for some reason get away from the IT Help Desk and break into Cyber like I want to. I realize that I have been sabotaging myself. I don't have a heartbreaking story as to the reason why either, actually I have almost everything that you could want to be able to pursue my chosen career path. I have a loving and supportive family. I have a job where I work 4 10 hr shifts 2 of them being remote from home on the weekend with very little work coming in and 3 consecutive days off. I am also a father and step father but the kids don't want to stay home with the old man so I am virtually alone for 3 days in a row. With that kind of time and opportunity you would think I would be able to be prepared for the Sec+ exam in a few months easily.... but nope I am still treading water... I go thru spurts of being highly motivated and also making every excuse in the book not to do what I know I need to be doing. I realized on one of the 2 days that I make my hour long drive to work that I am the reason I have not advanced further in the IT field. I find myself imaging how my life will be and always saying "Once I get this first certification everything will change." And I 100% believe that. But why can't I get out of my own way? Is it to hard? Not really. I enjoy tech so I enjoy learning about it. Almost every podcast I listen to is tech related in some way,shape or form. I've made vision boards.Crafted study schedules down to the minute. And every time something comes up. Why am I afraid to succeed? Is it because I believe others deserve it more than I do? No I believe there are plenty of opportunities out there for everyone. Its because I am scared that being successful will change me. There, I said it. Finally. I truly enjoy who I am and who I am around but I have witnessed so many people move up in the world and I no longer know who they are anymore. I don't believe I would do that, I'd like to think I wouldn't. But somewhere in the back of my head a tiny voice keeps saying "What if you do tho?". I'm not afraid of much but the fear and stress of having to deal with being successful actually frightens me more than I have verbally admitted to anyone. I don't even mind failure because I learn from it and I will continue to grown,but that success...that scares me. Since I have come to realization that I fear success I am making a public declaration here and now that I will overcome this fear this year. I will take and past the Security + certification exam, I will learn Python programing and Linux well enough to be able to use them and create new things. I will use this platform as my accountability place and I hope to be able to inspire and motivate others to achieve their goals as well. I probably will not focus as much on the technical things as I do the mental of pursuing goals in the IT field. I hope you join me and feel free to interact with me. I would love to learn and teach anyone willing to listen. Thank you for taking time to read this brain dump. Believe it or not it has helped me a lot. I appreciate you. Rashad OUT.