My journey in programming: Imposter syndrome, failure, and coming forward. 
Tags: career
Published: 2020-09-26 19:01:38

I want to preface this post by first stating that this isn't meant to acquire pity. I don't need it. I am the happiest I have ever been in my 32 years of existence. I chose to share this because I can't be the only programmer out there who has this experience. The DEV community has been the kindest and most accepting group of developers that I have had the privilege to participate in. I felt that if I am going to come forward with admitting that I have struggled with mental health issues, imposter syndrome, and personal failures that this would be the place to start. I realize that admitting to having issues with mental health and learning disorder is a risky decision but at the same time I could end up encouraging someone with insight, so I think that it's worth speaking about. With that said, let's begin. 

I'm a late bloomer. Like many programmers, I changed careers without any prior experience in computer science or coding. I used to work in the media sector as a promotions assistant for a big radio station in Dallas, TX. It's incredibly competitive, and if I am honest, a pretty toxic industry. After a year of being underpaid for what should have been a full-time position, I decided to head back to school and find myself. 

I came across programming while studying abroad and decided that when I came back home, I would take a few classes at a local community college to see if I liked it. My first language was C++, and I hated it. The was odd syntax to me. It had weird symbols that resembled buttons you avoid pressing on your calculator. Mind you, this was my first ever programming language. It could have been any language and I would have found it intimidating. Despite my initial frustrations,  I felt that if I stuck with it, I would find something that would peak my interest. Computer Science is a big field, after all, and there had to be something in the sandbox I would want to play with. 

Then I came across Java. I found that it looked more like English, and I could understand it enough to stick with it. I struggled through my classes. It didn't seem to matter how much time I put into studying, I couldn't code independently. I always needed help. I remember I really struggled with loops. I was tortured by Fibonacci and recursion. "A Ducci sequence is.." is nope, that's what! I felt like an imposter, and that I wasn't smart enough. I doubted my intelligence. I always had to look up the answer to those types of questions. "Just break it down into smaller sections" my classmates would say. Yeah, I tried that, but I still suck at this. "Just Google it" was my favorite response. Oh, just Google it? If you didn't know pterodactyl began with a "p" and you asked me how to spell it, you'd want to punch me in my smug face if I told you "Just look it up in the dictionary." 

I too have experienced, and still experience,  the dreaded *imposter syndrome*. While my classmates were accepted into prestigious programs like the University of Washington or Oregon State, I didn't have the grades or the ability to handle rigorous programs. So, I decided to attend a university you likely haven't heard of, Western Governors University. At the time, I thought it was another sleazy degree mill, but after some research, I found it's accredited and within my price range. I also became a dad at that point, so being able to study from home would enable me to have more time with my daughter. It wasn't my first pick, but fast forward to today, and I couldn't be happier. 

At first, I struggled. Just getting into my office some days was a battle. I overthought things a lot and missed deadlines be it personal or school-related even with the help of calendars and reminder apps. I remember asking my wife to read over the directions to an assignment I had one night. She read them and after mentioning she thought they were pretty straightforward, she asked me if I always had issues with assignments like this. When I said yes, she told me to request a learning disorder evaluation with my doctor. At the time I was seeing a psychiatrist for other mental health-related issues (mainly anxiety and depression). My wife is a teacher, so she knew something was off. She explained a lot of students exhibit the same patters that I did at the time. Even simple directions end up being incredibly confusing. 

When I explained this to my doctor, she agreed. She set up a simple test where I had to press the enter key on a computer keyboard whenever I saw a "target" on the screen. In this case, the target was the letter X. So if X flashes, press enter, but if B flashes, do nothing. At first, I didn't have any help. I read the directions on my own, but on the second attempt (designed to test for any false positives) the test giver would explain the directions orally. Both times, it was awful. I scored in the 90th percentile, which on a scale of 0-100, I was in the red. Diagnosis? ADHD. 

I was skeptical. How can I have attention problems when I can play video games for hours without pee breaks? Why is it that I can become fully immersed in a book if I have "attention problems"? It was enough having anxiety issues. I didn't need another label to add to my red flag list. But my doctor patiently explained that while I might be "paying attention" how much of that information can I actively recall? What is going on in your mind when your reading, or playing a game, studying or driving? I didn't know. 

"Exactly. Nick, your brain is wired differently", she told me. Your thoughts are everywhere but here, even though you are "here". Attention deficit is a bit of an unfair description. It's more like an impulse control problem. Say you ask me to code a Fibonacci algorithm. I don't immediately know the answer, so instead of breaking the problem down, my response is to flee the situation. Need to feel better? How about this $300 dollar 2k monitor? Sure, it's financially irresponsible. But, you'll be happy! And being happy feels good. Whether or not I know the answer isn't the issue. The neurotypical brain would likely just respond "I don't know", but my behavior is wired in a way that basically lets all of the spam mail into my inbox even when it's obviously full. Instead of sorting it, even with a Bubble Sort, my response is to dump it all onto the floor and go buy a sexy new monitor. 

This realization was a turning point for me because now that I had a label to put on my struggles, I had a point to attack it. Make no mistake, I wasn't a genius with some unlocked potential waiting to blossom. I wasn't going to magically be able to answer all of those questions I couldn't answer. I still probably can't answer a lot of them, but I could finally break things down into manageable chunks. The first problem being - doing my homework when I wanted to. 

Today, I am beginning the process of applying to internships. I am far from perfect. I don't have any personal projects or a flashy CS program that I attend, but I do have something I have always lacked - confidence. I now have a set of tools I can go to when I need help. I feel comfortable admitting to people that "No, I don't know the answer to that, but I will find out." I feel comfortable with the fact that I don't have any side projects I do on the weekend. My passion is learning, and I am always tinkering with new technologies, even if I lose interest at some point. I can always come back to them.

Where am I going with this? If you're struggling, be it imposter syndrome, mental health issues, or feelings of inadequacy- it's okay. It might not feel that way at the moment, but it's going to be fine! I'm proof, and I think that people need to know that you can find joy in coding even if you feel inadequate. Ask for help if you need to. Speak out to people you trust. That's not a weakness. It's what makes you **strong**. 

You've got this.