Development and My Mental Health || Part 2: Needing to ask for help.
Published: 2020-09-05 07:04:03

My previous article went into a personal dive into why I am like this ([read it here](https://dev.to/kailyons/development-and-my-mental-health-2dm)). Now I need to talk about what I need to do to fix what went wrong. I also want to give shoutouts to the kind comments, of which multiple saved my life as I was letting myself slip further into darkness. The kind words meant a lot. So where to next?

# Step 1: SLOW THE HECK DOWN!!
In trying to prove everyone who hurt me wrong, I ended up with... well to say the least: A METRIC LOT OF WORK. Let's run through a shortened list of what I decided to work on *all at the same time*:

- *TWO* desktop operating systems based on Linux
- A FreeBSD desktop operating system
- A Linux server operating system
- A FreeBSD server operating system
- A markup language
  - Have translated parts to HTML
  - Have translated parts to CSS
  - Have translated parts to JavaScript
  - Integrated Microscripts (WTF WAS I THINKING!?)
  - Custom COMPLEX tags (WHAT???)
  - A Lisp-Like Syntax (which is not easy to make functional by any means... fun fact)
- A startup
  - Dealing in software
  - Making an online convention
  - Game/Video/Music Publisher
  - Game development
  - Media creation
- A package management system
  - Complex configuration
  - Built to work with ANY package manager
  - Supposed to use
- Software for ***FIVE*** OPERATING SYSTEMS:
  - Pure OpenGL, No X11/GTK/Qtdesktop
  - Complex application ideas
  - Applications that merged other applications (why tho?)
  - Systemd emulator/container

Remember... shortened list. 
What's the solution? Ask for help, manage limits, and do one thing at a time. Simple. 

Okay... I lied about the simple part because I never really learned to speak for myself and express myself. After my biological father who never really connected to me left to do drugs with a prostitute and/or stripper (later going to jail, now in rehab) never being all to close to me, and my first step-father being an abusive prick, I never felt able to talk about what happened to me in life. To muster up the courage to talk about why I was not doing well mentally in the last article took a lot of effort. I mean, it mentioned stuff I never told other friends or family. 

Let me go into a bit of back-story. About a year and a half ago, I tried to run away, at the time I was breaking down for... a lot of reasons I wish to not go deep into. I ran off to my friend's house, then got brought to my grandmother's house, and moved into a new house where my family moved in a couple of months before I did. I still feel like a stranger here, but the reason this is important is that, well, I have never really been that stable. At the time I put myself in isolation until I snapped. I always thought of doing things alone, because I feared no one else wanted to help. Once I was actually in the Linux and FreeBSD community is when I finally started feeling safer enough to ask for help with issues, regarding software stuff at least.

Now, why was all that important? Well, I am just now learning to ask for help. That, fun fact, was describing how I felt *under two weeks ago*. Guess how much it changed me to have actually asked for help ***AND DIDN'T GET BULLIED!*** I was astounded and excited. I have even yet to understand how to manage my personal limits, or even focus on one thing at a time. I am new to this and honestly, it feels amazing. For the first time EVER I asked my teachers for help when some technology went haywire.

There is genuinely a lot more I have to know about myself. I am excited. This is a smaller update about my emotions about what my next steps will be. But this is only my re-beginning.