On A More Personal Note
Tags: codenewbie, motivation, growth, emotional
Published: 2020-05-31 03:22:07

My mom called me this morning, sharing that she had a dream last night which worried her. She mentioned in her dream that she couldn't find me in a murky blackness, and I was *lost*.

Lately, I've been struggling with making decisions and going through a difficult time. It's like her mother instincts kicked in which manifested in a dream.

Call me superstitious: some of my mom's dreams have been eerily deja-vu. So, most times, I take what she shares with a sliver of truth; finding a meaning behind the dreams to an extent.

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After catching up with my mom, we said our goodbyes and started the day. I sat there for a moment, thinking to myself, *maybe I am lost? Perhaps, going towards game design is __impossible__, and I'm making the wrong decision. I'm __never__ going to grasp the concept of programming; I should play it safe and stay in IT.*

For the past few weeks, I've made significant personal commitments. I started learning **C#**, consistently coding about **30 minutes to 1 hour** a day. I invested in myself, claiming a domain name and started building a blog. I created a professional Twitter account,  Github, and signed up on DEV (hello!).

All these changes felt good, like I was building a foundation not knowing what the end result could be- but looking forward to it anyway.

With most of us making personal changes, we want a better present or future for ourselves and, in a sense, commit to something bigger than ourselves.  I had a wakeup call a few weeks back and realized I wanted to change; I need to change. I wanted to change and strive towards my passion for creativity, being part of a team, learning from defeat, and growing personally and professionally.

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Yet all of this feels like it's *"too late."* I'm **26**, don't have a *lick* of programming or video game design experience (which is what I want to do).

I see posts on various social media sites of other passionate folks creating beta versions of Skynet, or making market-changing games. Heck, most of them are *10 years* younger than I.

I get in my head and start to guilt-trip myself, *"maybe if you didn't play games most the time- you would be making awesome stuff too!"*

It's incredible to see the younger generation craft beautiful, passionate projects and be supported in their efforts. But I've heard,*"comparison is the death of joy."* That has never been truer.

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Then a comforting realization soothed into my head like a song while I sat in my computer chair.

I haven't found a *path* yet, and I may be *lost*, but I'm *finding* my way. Perhaps the murkiness from my mom's dream is an **empty canvas.** I have to paint that canvas with all the colors of my decisions.

I think most of us are, in a sense, finding our *path.* Trying to decide what color to use when and where. One piece of advice that has always rung true to me is to not be fearful of any defeats and learn from blunders. Be brave to suck at something for a little while. Start where you can, but you have to just *start.*

The developer community has to be the most supportive I have been part of, and it's helped me garner the inspiration for this initial post.

I think that's something I often overlook, and what my mother's dream meant. We drop our inner voice, obsessively reading **"Do these X tips to learn Y skills,"** in a attempt to learn everything we can. However, we neglect to review our personal purpose and statement.

It feels like all this information is coming at us at breakneck speed, and there's not a moment to consider how we're feeling.

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If anyone is feeling that sense of aimlessness- it's *okay.*

Discover *yourself* and find out what *truly* matters to you.

It's okay to *start when you're ready,* don't force yourself to begin out of despair.

Go at your pace, and fill your canvas with color.