How do I battle impostor syndrome?
Tags: womenintech, career, mentalhealth
Published: 2021-03-26 13:28:47

Me and many others suffer from impostor syndrome. What is it actually? [Merriam-Webster dictionary](https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/impostor%20syndrome) describes it this way:
> a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one's abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one's ongoing success

That's exactly how I often feel. I can't possibly deserve the pay I'm getting or I can't be a right developer for this project. After all, I know nothing!

####How has this been affecting my career so far?
- When I know the answer to something, I might not say it out loud because I'm afraid it's wrong
- I'm afraid to give any estimations when I'm helping sales with a project proposal
- I almost get a panic attack when someone asks if I could be the only developer in a project
- It's important for me to do things correctly, so if I feel there might be a possibility of a bug in my code, it might prevent me from even trying if I don't have to. This mostly concerns my hobby projects.

Let's go through each of these fears and see what's the problem behind there

>When I know the answer to something, I might not say it out loud because I'm afraid it's wrong

No one knows everything. It doesn't matter if you are a junior or a senior. No one knows everything. Period. So why do I care if I answer wrong?

I try to think it this way nowadays: what's the worst thing that can happen? Maybe that someone laughs or says something mean. How probable it actually is? Well we are adults so I wouldn't say it's that probable. And even if it would happen, it would only say something about the other person (and the work culture), not me.

So actually it should only affect me positively, because then I have a chance to learn something.

>I'm afraid to give any estimations when I'm helping sales with a project proposal

To be fair, I don't have much experience about this yet. I haven't been in that many projects during my career so of course it's difficult. And if the project is not even defined properly yet, anyone would have difficulties giving estimations! 

I can't really do much else than try my best. There is a reason someone is asking help from me. If they trust I can somehow help them to do it better than they would alone, then it's worth my comment.

>I almost get a panic attack when someone asks if I could be the only developer in a project

This issue is luckily getting easier because I have a lot more experience now than for example just one year ago! I might still not be able to do a huge app on my own, but then again, why would one leave that much for one developer. If the project is big, then it makes sense to have someone else working on it too.

But this fear definitely used to be a big issue for me. I felt I don't know enough to create apps that are reliable. I was afraid I would encounter an issue that I wouldn't be able to solve on my own. I somehow forgot that even if I would be the only developer in the project, I still have hundreds of coworkers who would be able to help me if needed.

>It's important for me to do things correctly

I still struggle with this often. I might not even try starting my hobby project because I'm not sure how I would do some part of it. And if I can't do it perfectly, it's not worth even trying.

And that doesn't even make any sense. How would I learn how to do it if I never even try to figure it out. Even when doing something wrong (and noticing that this doesn't work as well as it could) I would learn and next time it would be easier to do it (more) correctly.

####Why has this become an issue for me?
I think it's a sum of many events, but one I know affected for sure was my bad work experience in a game company right before I was graduating. I ended up quitting the job after one month, but that one month destroyed all my self-esteem as a developer.

It seemed the managers thought I did everything wrong. Anytime I showcased something I had been working on, I was asked why I did it that way and not this. I rarely got constructive feedback and quickly noticed I got anxious every time someone wanted to talk to me. I started getting panic attacks on Sundays because I knew I had to go to that place again the next day and I often spent time crying in the bathroom at work.

So I definitely can't recommend staying at a job which in paper seems perfect but treats their employees horribly (if you don't have to). I was lucky I was able to quit because I had some savings. It took me a long time after joining Futurice to start opening up again and having courage to ask questions without fearing someone would yell at me. 

Other than bad work experiences I think my impostor syndrome comes partly from my desire to be perfect at what I do and also the microaggressions I have encountered my whole career as a developer.

####How to get rid of impostor syndrome (or even just lessen the effects)?
The best treatment for me has been reading experiences of other people. That's also the reason I'm writing this blog post. It has really opened my eyes when I have read that even senior developers have the same insecurities as I have.

Also being aware of my tendency for perfectionism helps me to speak some sense into myself when I avoid working on some problem. Doing something is better than not doing anything. I don't need to be perfect.

And as a last point, I know I'm more capable than I give myself credit so I have been thinking I should write a list of my accomplishments and whenever I feel insecure, I can just read that list through and remember that I'm actually quite good at what I do.