The Pitfalls of Productivity Guilt
Tags: beginners, webdev, programming, productivity
Published: 2022-03-15 17:38:36

I've been working since I was 17. When I was a senior in high school, I got my first publishing illustration gig, and since then I've had the pleasure of building up a clientele, making connections with other creatives, and finding my voice as an artist. While in the art world, I felt some sense of guilt for when I wasn't working. It was always in the back of my mind the idea that I could be doing more with my time to get more clients, to make more products to sell, to be more productive. This feeling of guilt never left and has since followed me into my new career as a software engineer. 

I can recall getting through the first month of bootcamp and feeling frustrated during my time away from the computer. The feeling of guilt that I should be studying more and working harder began to fill my head even more. The fact that I was struggling more then my peers emphasized these feelings. Even when I did give into the guilt and pushed myself further, I ultimately became exhausted. The material I crammed never stuck and I was left more confused than ever.
 
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Now, four months post graduation, I often feel consumed by guilt. Even though I'm juggling blog posts, GitHub pushes, contacts, and the responsibilities of a new job, I'm still grappling with an insurmountable feeling of guilt that I could be doing more with my time. 

When I think about the pathology of this feeling, it's hard to identify. I could name a countless list of possible origins: my OCD/Tourette Syndrome, anxiety, self confidence (or lack thereof), feeling of inadequacy, comparing myself to my peers, follies of technical interviews, etc. Maybe it's all those things? Maybe I feel like I have more to prove being a bootcamp graduate? The cause of the symptoms change in my mind often and I'm left without an answer. 

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There are days where I lose sleep because I'm up all hours working and learning. Then there are days where I try to set boundaries and cut my work off at a normal hour. But still, I'm up at all hours mulling through my brain on what I should learn next, what I should study next, what I can do with my time to feel productive. 

I know these feelings haunt not just software engineers, or people in tech. It's a worldwide phenomenon. Or maybe it's just part of the human condition. If so, how do I quell it? How do I ease my mind and trust the process that I'm on the right path?
I'm not too sure but I am of suspicion that life forces you to take a chill pill every now and then. The other day I went to an annual eye exam. With the checkup, comes the fun part of having your eyes dilated. Before I left my doctor quickly warned me to not use screens for the next few hours. It didn't occur to me until I was leaving "SHIT, how am I gonna work?". Even though I was a walk away, I had a hard enough time getting home before I was blinded by the sun. Once home I was stricken with bewilderment. Initially it was guilt but how could I feel guilty about not being able to see?? I couldn't even read my watch let alone a computer screen. Against the wish of my ophthalmologist I opened my computer and sworn I hissed like a vampire when the blue light hit my eyes. With the brightness at its lowest, I knew this wasn't doing my eyes any favor. So I sat on my couch feeling defeated. There was nothing I physically could do but rest. 

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With nothing but time on my hands I wondered, why am I not enjoying this? 

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Breaks are important and integral to regeneration. If I can't rest, how do I expect myself to achieve the goals I've set for myself tomorrow? Productivity is important but has no impact if you're not recharged. It's automatic for me to give this advice to my peers when I see them struggling. Though like many, I'm not one to take my own advice. Why are we so cruel to ourselves. I wouldn't treat someone in my position this way, so why do I feel like I can treat myself in the same manner? Eventually, I drifted off for a much needed nap and felt renewed for the first time in months.
 
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This all doesn't mean I'm healed in any way. Not at all. If anything I think it shows how conditioned we are in reactions to shame and guilt. We are surrounded by pictures of ideal success, and to attain success, you must put your mental health in jeopardy. For me, being able to rest or take breaks means undoing a conditioning that I've been immersed in for years of being in the workforce. Being in a new field where you can easily lose days behind a screen makes it more integral for us to question our definition of productivity and why we feel so inclined to sacrifice our health for "faster" results. 

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I'm understanding more that this process doesn't grant you any instant gratification. You can't look behind a curtain to see all the work you've accomplished or the skills you've sharpened. It's a slow process where progress is anything but a gradual incline. 
If anything, from my new job I strive to continue to learn how to set better boundaries for myself to not only grow but also rest. 

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