A Goodbye to Tech
Tags: wecoded
Published: 2024-03-28 19:03:30

I tried.

I _really_ tried.

In 2016, I graduated with a degree in Web Design and Development, knowing Angular and some UX principles, thinking maybe I could cut it in tech.

I was wrong.

I didn't get my first role until 2 years after, and even so, it was contract for Facebook and I had to _make up my job title_, and my team just rolled with it. Unfortunately, I didn't go to the right university, nor did I take the right track of getting an internship directly afterward to be hired full time. Any UX expert or Product Designer I reached out to brushed me off. (Y'all are a gatekeep-y bunch, aren't you?)

I went to a coding bootcamp during the pandemic, naively thinking, "if I just learn how to code better, surely I can be perceived as more valuable!"

And I finished the course, learned a ton. Built up my portfolio. Networked like mad on Xitter. Even embarrassed myself by streaming my thought/coding process live on Twitch.

I landed several contractor roles, which were okay. But I wanted health insurance. I pushed harder.

All of this while battling ADHD and major depression.

2022, finally landed my first full-time gig as a developer relations engineer. Within my first 3 months, I landed a big-name company contract for them.

However, I also was trying to get a hold of handling my mental health issues. I was prescribed Lexapro and Abilify. Side-effects include lethargy, which meant if I wasn't working, I was sleeping. But if I wasn't feeling like I wanted to kms, it was working, right? Let's sprinkle Adderall XR on top of that to address that pesky ADHD. In October, I had to stop taking the medication because my spouse and I decided we wanted to have a baby.

I thought, "I'm feeling good about my job! We're stable! Let's do this!"

May 2023, I found out I was pregnant. I felt like I went through some of the worst side-effects pregnancy came with: brain fog, exhaustion, nausea-- TL;DR: I could not function. I told my manager and HR right away , thinking it would be prudent to be completely honest and to "cover my bases" in case my productivity dropped.

Well, of course it did. Wear a 10 lb rice bag strapped to your belly and spin yourself around in your little office chair 20 times and try to hold an hour meeting.

At first, my coworkers were (supposedly) happy for me, and expressed "support". However, things slowly started to change. My manager became more and more critical day by day. It was hard to manage my symptoms and try to keep a straight face. 

Have you ever had someone tell you they were there for you, only to come up short and not actually be there when you needed them? That's what happened to me.

September, I was put on a PIP. At the same time, blood work came back that said either me or my baby had a tumor on us. Or he had a spinal birth defect. I had to be tested right away and extensively to find the problem. 

That, AND I have to struggle to keep my job?

I sincerely tried my best. In the end, I just ended up wrapping things up, like an article I never published and was probably stolen by a coworker.

Managers can say, "If you're not feeling well, then take the day off! Use your PTO!" at any point only to cover their asses.

## let me tell you now: HR and management will never support you.
Do NOT fall for their bullshit.

Do NOT tell your coworkers anything.

Nothing in the environment of tech is stable. Nowhere in the workplace, *no one* in the workplace is someone you can share your personal life with. It's nut up and shut up.

Zero empathy.

## There is no equity in tech.

### There needs to be an overhaul in support for those in need, especially those who are neurodivergent. Especially those who chose to become parents and are the birth parent.

But, in order for that to happen, this change needs to be *huge* and *gradual*, helmed by someone who is respected by the community.

That person is clearly not me.

### So this is my goodbye to tech.

### I never want to answer to any man ever again.

I will not go where I am not wanted.

I wish you all safety and sanity in your careers.