The Worst Case of Imposter Syndrome
Tags: career, mentalhealth, developers, life
Published: 2024-06-26 11:32:00

I wrote most of this blog post in the spring, a bit after my burnout sickness leave. I'm still recovering, but I'm in a way better place. I found this draft a couple of days ago, and after reading it, I decided I'd finish it and publish it. Why? I think it speaks for itself. It contains the words I'd wanted to say back then but didn't have the strength to say, even to finish the blog post and share it. 

And if you recognize yourself from the words, I see you. You are enough and have what it takes, even if it doesn't feel like it. 

## The Worst Case of Imposter Syndrome

I think I'm experiencing the worst case of imposter syndrome in my career. It's so bad that I've started considering switching careers because I can't stand this deep feeling. And when I say switching careers, I'm not joking the way I usually joke when something mysterious happens with the code. No, this time, I've been considering leaving tech behind.

It all started... Where it all started? I don't even know. For a long time, I've been really confident. Not in an arrogant way, but in a way that I know what I know, and I definitely know what I don't know. And sure, I've had setbacks, but I've always bounced back. 

Now it just feels like I'm going deeper and deeper into understanding how much I suck. And how little I know and how I shouldn't even work in this position. How everyone knows that I'm a fraud. 

I can start dissecting this. And actually, that's what I'll do. I'll tell you about some things that have led to this situation. It's not because I blame someone (or actually, I do - myself), but I want to bring light to things that have caused my journey to end up here.

Oh, and in the end, I won't tell you how to get better. This is not one of those blog posts. I'm still on my way to getting out of the woods with all this. But I hope reading what has affected me might help you recognize some things on your journey that might lead to where I am and avoid them. This is most definitely not a fun place to be.

## Burnout Leads to Questioning Yourself

Burnout can cause low professional self-esteem, so it's no wonder it can be one of the building blocks for imposter syndrome. It's sneaky and builds over time, so the change is not always easy to spot. 

My advice: Don't get burnt out. Do something before it's too late. I know it's not always easy to recognize that you're on the path to burning out. Heck, I've been here many times, and I still don't always recognize it well enough. 

## The Words of Others Can Do a Lot of Harm

To add to this burnout-related low self-esteem, hearing words like "this is what senior developers should know" and realizing you don't know all that doesn't help. I was part of a hiring committee for a senior Android developer role a while back, and at some point, I realized how others described what a senior Android developer should know. 

It was all technical details - trivial things I realized I didn't know to describe on the spot. And the way they talked about the candidates and their skills, I just felt like I should get a demotion because I don't have all the technical knowledge for a senior developer. Maybe not even for a mid-level developer.

Hearing those conversations, I was ready to quit. I felt like I'm not good enough (despite being in a senior Android role for more than a year, so I had literally proven myself already). I felt like every single one of my Android colleagues must see me in a way that I don't deserve to be a _senior_ developer, and that I was just lucky to get promoted.

That feeling is paralyzing. You start to question your every decision and every line of code. You start waiting for something bad to happen, and every time there is a crash or bug that's reported, you're sure that it's because of you (even if you haven't merged any code for the past weeks because you were on a sickness leave). 

I'm getting better now, but this feeling and those thoughts are still nagging me. I can fight them, but I realize they affect the things I do a lot. Luckily, I have a colleague who keeps cheering me on and reminding me that I am skilled and good enough (thank you, Marianne ❤️). But I really hope that no one needs to go through those emotions I've gone through. So, let's remember that our words affect people around us. 

## Constant Fighting for Your Seat at the Table Does Not Help

The other thing that contributes to this feeling is the constant fight to be heard and seen. I've been in countless meetings where I've been forgotten - like, let's have a facilitated round of introductions, but let's forget Eevis. At the time, I was so exhausted that when that happened, I was just silently crying and could not open my mic to say, hey, I'm here; please don't forget me again.

I often have felt like I'm speaking to walls. Or maybe something else, walls often don't answer with "Oh that's a good point" and then forget it all when it's time to incorporate the feedback. 

I could also talk about the countless times when I've been the person who knows the answer to something because I've been the one working with the thing. And then, in some meeting, I'll need to first wait for some man, who has just a vague idea of that thing, to explain what's going on - and then start correcting them. Yes, I'm too nice to just cut there when they start. No, I won't change that; it requires even more strength. I've been raised to be nice, polite, and not cut when others speak.

 I fully believe that none of these people do these things because they hate me or consciously think I'm lesser. But nevertheless, they keep repeating these actions, and it tires me out. I hate the constant fighting. I'd like to have a seat at the table because I've already earned it (because, trust me, I have). I hate playing this constant chair game where I need to prove myself over and over again, more than many of my colleagues do. 

I've described this all working twice as much as many others. And in fact, I do. So, it is no wonder I am burnt out and exhausted. And no wonder I have this feeling that even if I work twice as much, I'll never be good enough as the others who don't need to work that much. 

## Wrapping Up

If you're my colleague reading this and recognize yourself from what I've written, I'm not blaming you. I fully believe you have good intentions in every instance. I'm just asking that you pay attention to the impact your actions might have — not just on me but on anyone around you.

And if you're experiencing similar things, I'd love to say things get better, but I have to be honest: I don't know if they do. I know it's possible to reach this state of mind where you're confident and small things don't affect you. I've been there. And I hope I'll reach that state some day again. 

But before that, I hope I won't end up switching careers.