A Story About Life, Beer and a Planet Called Siduri
Autor: Cesar | Publicado: 2014-08-26T11:19:00-07:00


Before the first intergalactic war, when there
was no Free Galaxies or Union and the stars and planets where all new and sexy,
there was a little place called Siduri.

Siduri was a little planet in the Diadem binary
system, which rested in the Coma Supercluster, which, in turn, was located in
the Coma Berenices constellation. I mention this in the hopes that you will
search the story behind the myth of Queen Berenice II of Egypt, which gave the
constellation it's name, because it's a nice story I don't have time to tell.

Anyway, Siduri was home to some exceptional forms
of life, one of those being the Sidurians, nice, little five feet folks with anxiety
problems and receding hairlines. 

You see, the problem with the Sidurians was
that, although relatively intelligent and sapient, they were not the dominant
life form on Siduri.

No, there was another species. The evil Siris.
Giant, crab-like creatures that were stronger and smarted than the Sidurians, they
quickly enslaved the poor, balding creatures, forcing them into a dystopian
society of forced labor and rigid thought control.

You see, just like in most dictatorships, the
Sidurians were not allowed to discuss politics, sociology, philosophy, liberal
arts, etc. Every writer who didn't write about the wonders of the Siris was
executed. Every group of friends found to be talking shit about politics or the
government was burned alive. Every philosopher who didn't exclusively praised
the Siris ethics, morals and ways of life was hanged. 

Now, this wasn't the first nor the last time
that a certain species enslaved and took the freedom away from another species.
Dystopian regimes were a reality in most societies across the universe, at one
time or another, and, although they aren't the best, they usually do serve
their purpose of inspiring great novels. 

The problem with Siduri was that the Siris'
government lasted a little more than your usual dictatorship. It lasted one and
a half million years.

It finally ended when Siduri was discovered, by
accident, by the Ninkas, sophisticated elven-like creatures from the planet of
Ninkasi, also located in the Coma Supercluster. The Ninkas were famous both for
being strong advocates for democracy and for the unique quality of the monocles
and mustache combs they produced. 

The Ninkas landed on Siduri in the hopes of
expanding their society into this new, sunny planet, and what they found
instead was a population of enslaved bald people, suffering in the hands of
mean giant crabs. Because they believed in democracy, and because Ninkasi was
crowded and Siduri was the only suitable place for them to expand into, the
Ninkas immediately decided that they would help the Sidurians.

And so they did. Although the Siris were more
developed than the Sidurians, they were no match for the technology of the
Ninkasi, and, in no time, the giant crabs were wiped out of existence.

Siduri was free, and the Sidurian people
welcomed the Ninkasi as equals, to inhabit their planet with them in the spirit
of democracy, freedom and joy.

There was only one problem: One and a half
million years is a long time to be living under an authoritarian regime. Time
enough that a few evolutionary biology principles come into play. Notably this
one: There were absolutely no interesting Sidurians left.

&nbsp;You see,
what happened was that, in the process of killing every Sidurian that dared
discuss anything beyond what was permitted by the government, the Siris
effectively molded the personality of the Sidurians, eliminating the
"interesting conversation" gene from the Sidurian gene pool. Everyone
that dared discuss something worthwhile, something that wasn't about soap
operas or the weather, was murdered, and, slowly, the "interesting"
trait of personality in the Sidurian people disappeared. What was left, by the
time the Ninkasi people arrived, was five billion boring Sidurians to share the
planet with.

That, naturally, drove the Ninkasis insane.
They were sophisticated, smart, free thinkers. How the hell could they share a
planet with dull, boring idiots whose only conversation topics were traffic
jams and cake recipes? &nbsp;

The answer was given by a young Ninkasi
inventor named Silenus. After years locked in his lab, Silenus finally stepped
out, carrying a bottle of a yellow, bubbly drink in his hands, announcing he
had solved the communication problem between the Ninkasis and the Sidurians.

Word spread into the planet that this young,
daring scientist had invented a magical drink that turned boring people into
interesting folks, and that turned smart, sophisticated people into complete imbeciles.
Sidurians and Ninkasis were both equally excited, and everyone wanted to try
the new elixir.

And that was how beer came to be in the
universe.