you were never my true love
Autor: . | Publicado: 2015-06-28T09:49:00-07:00




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since i was a little girl i thought that someday i would find someone to love me, no matter what. i believe that unconditional love sometimes is careless, but there's something really beautiful about loving someone so deeply that it doesn't matter their faults or qualities, you would still truly love them, despite everything.



but then some guy came and changed everything. he taught me that sometimes you can't love someone despite their faults and you can't love someone unconditionally because then you would just became a punching bag for them. you can't love someone unconditionally without loving yourself first. realizing that took some time, i confess. the little girl in me, the hopeless romantic, wanted to believe that in the end, love would win, conquer all and stuff like that. but in real life it doesn't always works like that.
i stopped believing that because i spent most of my teen years and the first of my adult life loving someone that doesn't even remember me. or know where i am. or how i've been doing. or how life turned upside down after my grandpa died. or how i became depressed and i lost faith in everything i truly believed. what was the point, really, to love someone so deeply if the person was never really there? i was wasting my time, my thoughts, my feelings, everything that i cared so dearly just to some fantasy i had when i was a little girl.



stopping loving someone is a difficult process. and it is also very tricky. and it's not just because you can't stop thinking about the person you love, it's that sometimes you slip and then you feel all those feelings again and start to think that maybe, just maybe, it isn't worth losing something so precious. something that makes us humans, that changes the course of life, that move the world. love. i was sacrificing everything just because i tried very hard to hold onto that. if i loved someone, if i loved him, my very first love, the one that i really really cared about, somehow life would not be meaningless.&nbsp;



but i was wrong. life would truly be meaningless if i insisted on keep going. it was like i was hitting my head against the wall, over and over again, just to not stop feeling... something. because feeling something is better than feeling nothing at all. feelling numb is scary. and when you lose that feeling you started to love, (yes, it is possible to love&nbsp;love), you start to believe that nothing matters. and sometimes it's okay to think like that.



melina marchetta said in&nbsp;Jellicoe Road&nbsp; that "it's funny how you can forget&nbsp;everything&nbsp;except people LOVING you. maybe that's why humans find it so hard to get over love affairs. it's not the pain they're getting over, it's the love."&nbsp;



it is. it was one of the hardest things i had to do in my life. and i know that i'm still young and there are a lot of things to happen to me yet, but losing that feeling... losing the love i felt for someone so special and important to me was really, truly overwhelming. letting go isn't easy but sometimes is the only thing that we have left.



i know you will never read it. but that's okay for me.&nbsp;

because

for the first in my life



i really let go.