I think I made a mistake...
Autor: Fer | Publicado: 2013-02-16T02:11:00-02:00

When I say I don't remember that day, I'm not lying. I
wish I did, but I just don't. It's funny, the stuff that sticks in your head. Stuff
you don't think one bit important, not even when it's right there happening. Sometimes
that's the stuff that sticks. Sometimes the most important stuff goes away. It
goes away so bad, it's like it was never there to begin with. I can't remember
that day. […] At least, not the stuff that they want me to. I remember it was the
first really hot day of spring. I remember how the sun felt on the back of my
neck.



[…] “There's another one of those things that sticks:
this one is something a friend of mine said to me. "You have to believe
that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo.”



I remember it right down to that "kiddo "
part. But when I think about what she said, the same thing always comes into my
head... What if you can't put the pieces together in the first place?



[…] I know what they want from me. They want a why. They
want a reason, something to tie up with a little bow and bury in the back yard.
Bury it down so deep, it's like it never happened. They want me to say how I'm
so sorry and it was my mom's fault. Or maybe it was my dad's fault, or it
happened because of TV or movies or... some junk like that.



[…] Just tell me that everything's... gonna be OK.



[…] But... Sometimes you say things that aren't... totally
true. But you say them anyways because... you want it to be true, you know,
maybe...

maybe that's good enough. Just tell me everything's gonna
be OK.



[…] I'm supposed to cry and all that junk. But I'm
pretty sure I've cried all the tears I had out of me by now. […] But the tears
came, anyway. That's when I figured out that tears couldn't make someone who
was dead alive again.



There's another thing to learn about tears. They can't
make somebody who doesn't love you any more love you again. It's the same thing
with prayers. I wonder how much of their lives people waste, crying and praying
to God, trying to make things that happened unhappen.



If you ask me, the devil makes more sense than God
does. I can at least see why people would want him around. It's good to have
somebody to blame&nbsp;for the bad stuff they do. Maybe God's there because people
get scared of all the bad stuff they do. They figure that God and the Devil are
always&nbsp;playing this tugo 'war game with them. And they never
know which side they're gonna wind up on. I guess that tugo'war idea explains
how sometimes...I mean, when people try to do something good, it still turns
out bad.



[…] I know what you want from me. You want a why.



Well, maybe there isn't one. Maybe this is just
something that happened.



[…] How I see the world. There's two ways to see it.



One is like what you said, where life is OK. Where
maybe stuff's wrong

but you just don't see it. (The other way) When you
see what's really there.



The sadness? It's always there. Even when stuff looks
good. When kids are playing, couples are kissing and junk. It's in all of that
stuff. But mostly, people just look right through it.



I mean, what don't they see? Just how everything's
always slipping away. How everyone's always kind of dying inside. How sad
everybody really is. Sometimes, things don't work out between people. And it's
nobody's fault.



“And I'm only human, man.” - It's funny how people
only say that

after they do something bad. You never hear someone
say, "I'm only human"

after they rescue a kid from a burning building. 



I don't think I know what the definition of love is. You
know in your heart if you love somebody. But it's not in your heart. Love's on
your tongue. It's a word, that's all. Maybe it's not in your heart, but it is
in your head.



[…] Just because what I did is wrong doesn't make what
you're doing right. You only said you were human.



[…] You know what the funny thing about earthquakes is?
After an earthquake, you see people pulling other people out of brokendown
buildings, people hugging and junk, because they saw a little girl's shoe in
the road and no little girl around. Then, a couple of days later,

they forget all about it.



It still shows you that there's goodness in people. Well,
during earthquakes, at least.



[…] People make mistakes. People are fallible. Even
with the best intentions, most people don't have the inner strength it takes to
do good all the time. Sometimes, things don't work out. It's nobody's fault.



That's bullshit.



[…] Love's only such a great thing because you know
what it feels like to get your heart broken, what it feels like to be alone. 



[…] Say, there's some kids playing baseball. All I see
is the one kid they won't let play because he tells corny jokes. No one thinks
they're funny. Or I see a boy and a girl in love, and kissing, you know... I
just see that they're gonna be one of those sad, old couples one day, who just
cheat on each other and can't even look each other in the eye. And I feel it. I
feel all of their sadness. I feel it probably even worse than that sad old
couple or that corny kid will ever feel it. 



[…] 'Cos nothing can make what happened unhappen.



[…] You ever think the whole thing doesn't make sense? I
mean, they take all this stuff away from you. Freedom, girls and sunshine. Because
it's supposed to make it so when you get back on the outs, you never wanna
screw up again. All it really does is get you to thinking that you're so small,
you know. Like you're this small thing that doesn't matter for anything. By the
time you do get out, you don't even feel like a human person any more.



[…] Whatever happened, whatever you were thinking,
that's not the important thing. The most important thing right now is what
happens to you. Because you do control that, to some extent. What you did was
wrong. And I know you know that. I mean, you might not show it in the right
way,

but I know you recognize it. You can't make it
unhappen, but... nobody ever can. Just because what you did was wrong doesn't
mean that giving up on your life is right.



[…] I think there are two ways you can see the world. You
either see the sadness that's behind everything or you choose to keep it all
out. Your heart can't break. If you don't let the world touch it.



[…] It happens at different times for different people,
but it happens to everybody. The worst part about growing up... heartbreak. Realizing
that bad things happen to people like you, too. But... it's a part of life. That's
why you have to believe that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo.



[…] And I felt things tight in my chest. I felt like I
was drowning. There's all this sadness and there's nothing you can do about it
and all I wanted was for it to go away.



[…] When I say, "I don't remember that day",
I'm not lying. I wish I could remember, but I don't. At least, not the stuff
they want me to.



[…] It's over now. Maybe it makes sense now. Maybe
somewhere in all of this, there is a reason. Maybe somewhere in all of this,
there is a why. Maybe somewhere there's that thing that lets you tie it al up
with a neat bow and bury it in the back yard. Bury it down so deep, it's like
it never happened. But nothing. Not a why, not getting angry, not saying you're
sorry, not prayers and not tears. Nothing can make something that happened unhappen.
[…] But nobody ever can. Just because what you did was wrong, it doesn't mean
that giving up on your life is right.



[…]The worst part is knowing that there is goodness in
people. Mostly, it stays deep down and buried. Maybe we don't have God because
we're scared of the bad stuff. Maybe we're really scared of the good stuff.
Because, if there's no God, that means it's inside of us and we could be good all
the time, if we wanted. So, when we do bad things, it'd be because we want to
or because we have to. Or maybe we just need the bad stuff to remind us what
the good stuff is in the first place.



It doesn't mean that giving up on your life is right.