Missing my baby
Autor: Fleur Angélique Des Champs D'Arcadie | Publicado: 2015-09-09T23:21:00-03:00

Two days since you left.
I still can't get used to the idea.

Suddenly, sleeping and waking up have become unsufferable parts of a routine I didn't want to resume; there's a giant vacant spot on my bed, my chest, my coffee doesn't taste the same, I only smile to myself, a smile that blooms and dies inside me, and the rain made everything colder, greyer...

I wanted to run away with you.

I got addicted to you, your warmth, your scent, the calming sound of your voice, the depth of your glance and the enticing colours of yours eyes... The way you talk to me - gently, sweetly, understadingly, patiently -, the way you see me, exactly as I see you: my other half, my soulmate, my love... The only one.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone even more than you already did?

Your presence in my life makes me question everything I know about love, care, understanding, selflessness... You're the first person that ever made me want to leave my comfort zone, cross inimaginable distances, make real sacrifices, leave everything behind. I want to be with you, be part of you, be your refuge, your rock... That one comfortable, soothing presence in your life that makes everything better. If only you knew how safe, loved, important you make me feel...!

I began to miss you at the very moment I saw you at the airport.

My heart swelled in my chest, and I wanted time to stop forever, so that we'd have forever instead of mere 14 days... I wanted our life together to start at that moment. I didn't want to wait another second - we had already waited so long!

I still am out of words to express how you make me feel, what your presence causes, how precious, handsome and amazing you are, to me. Your love, devotion and attention save my life and cure my soul everyday, and all I want is to do the same for you. Wash away all the pain, distress, anxiety and fear that tourment your thoughts and haunt your sleep. My brave hero, my protector, my knight in shining armour, owner of my heart, body, mind and soul... You only deserve the best. Always.

It's still hard to believe.
We finally met.
We were finally together, at the same place.

And now I miss you more than ever, as if months could last longer than years.

So many memories...

Our first kiss, the way I whispered to your ear - "you're here, honey. You're finally here with me. Welcome!" -, as I sniffed you out, trying to memorize your scent... The touch of your skin under my fingetips, as some of them brushed your hair, while others explored your face, so close to mine. So shy! There was my sweet, strong, charming boy, right in front of me... How lucky I felt!

The long drive to the hotel, where we felt so comfortable and at home. The sleepless night, the jet lag - who cares? Neither of us could sleep, knowing that we finally had each other so close, with no computer screens between us. We exchanged gifts... And I hope the ones I got you mean as much as the ones you gave me. As I said, "you made my 6-year-old self so happy!" lol

It rained. Everything was being so perfect!

The first time we made love, then finally slept together... How long had we been dreaming about it? How long had we longed for that?

Our first dinner together... How I wished we were home! I wanted to dine with you everyday, cook us meals, play with you in the kitchen, call you - "honey, lunch is ready!" -, and later do the dishes together... An ordinary routine, you and I, being a couple, sharing responsibilities, chores, plans and dreams. Nothing more, nothing less.

You bought me Lego! lol
I told you I had never had one of my own before, and again, you got to make another little childhood dream come true. My sweetheart! 

You saw the gleam in my eyes, whenever I enter a book shop... We went through books, I talked to you about my favourites, you offered to buy the ones I had been wanting...

We had our favourite coffee together, at our favourite coffee shop! As silly as it may sound, that was magical to me - even our favourite coffee is the same, how perfect is that? It was pouring outside when we decided to go back to our hotel, the wind was howling, chilly and heavy with humidity... And you got me a sweatshirt! I had a jacket in the hotel, but still... That was one if the sweetest things someone had ever done to me! Will you ever stop spoiling me?&nbsp;❤

We put Legos together that afternoon, like kids, enjoying every second of it!
At night, you took me to the best pizza place in São Paulo, a tiny little place where the sidewalk was terrible, there was rock playing and on a table close to ours, we heard people talk in English. The drive from the hotel was so much fun - stories, jokes... You told me about your neighbour, and I shared the story of my paternal grandmother. I felt so close to you! We loved the pizza, but somehow, couldn't finish it - haha, that kind of bothered the owner/pizza maker. We did have a laugh on our way back... What a lovely, fun memory! lol

A rare gift distance gave us is the ability to treasure and cherish every second, even the smallest things.

Every moment, everything counts.
The drive back to the hotel, our little water fight (I slipped and fell - oops! lol), you bringing me soda or water from the minibar, the time we spent putting our Lego together, our talk on the couch, as I had tea, the way you explored my body, wanting me to relax and get used to you... I'm crying as I write, because I miss each and every moment as if they'd never happen again. I wanted to be able to tell you, make you feel or understand how grateful I am, for your very presence, and how much I long to retribute so much love, care and kindness. How much I long to start a life, a family with you...

I'm smiling at the memory of me with my head on your chest, as we finished the night watching "Hotel Transylvania". After that pizza, delicious raspberry ice cream and our moment on the couch, I was fighting sleep as fiercely as I could, and I'm glad I won. Another precious memory with you.

Then came our first road trip together, to Maringá. We were so tired (didn't have enough rest, tee hee), but I was so excited to travel with you... And a bit &nbsp;nervous, too - we'd be staying in my flat, I had no idea of what you think of it, if it was tidy and clean, mum and I hadn't gone shopping for groceries for quite some time... And I wanted you to feel comfortable and enjoy your stay, no matter what you said about just being with me. I wanted to make everything perfect for you.

God, what a LONG journey!
Almost 9 hours on the road... My poor honey, your shoulders and neck were probably stiff, but you would never tell, would you? That seriously made me consider getting my driving licence, I couldn't let you drive all the time, especially while you are in pain! You wanted me to rest, but how could I? You were much more tired than I was, needed a distraction to keep you alert. Besides, I wanted to enjoy every second of your company - sleep had never sounded so much like a waste of time!

After all the stops, coffee, Red Bull, Gatorade, snacks, yawns and prayers to make time go faster, so we could finally get some rest... We finally made it to Maringá. Whew! lol
My concerns about the flat almost left me, as the urge for a warm bed and sleep took over my body. Still, I wanted to make you as comfortable as possible, was already thinking of breakfast and was already wondering if going back to the road so quickly would be a good idea...

I got up as early as I could - wanted to make you coffee and breakfast, a modest treat... But you kept me kind of busy, wishing to stay in bed with you all day long. My sweet, wild little Wolf cub...! ;)

Taking you for a walk downtown was the perfect excuse to spend more time with you - we had had plenty of car rides, something that to me seem to make us instinctively hasty. I wanted you to try more of Brazilian food, a shameless attempt to improve your view on the country. I wanted you not only to like Brazil, but my small hometown and its little Southerner charms - the trees everywhere, the park... I showed you the marmosets I had been talking about for so long, and of course you loved them! Your smile as you saw them, as we sat on that big rock to rest for a bit... Oh, honey! Why couldn't you stay long? Why couldn't I go home with you? I knew how much that smile and those short instances of time would be missed...

The best decision we ever made was to stay another day in the flat, instead of heading to Goioerê for grandpa's birthday - we got to enjoy each other's company comfortably for another day, dine Australian pizza at the market place, watch another film - you know me so well, don't you? "Walter Mitty"... - and get some more rest. I wanted more of that domestic routine with you, more of that calming feeling that everything was so right, so perfect, that it could be turned into an advertisement. A Disney film. lol

You later would complain about me "hiding" you from my friends, which was a sad misfortune, but I guess you didn't get to notice how proud I was to be seen with you, walking hand in hand, telling each shop assistant, each cashier

"My boyfriend."

When the lady at the chocolate shop referred to you as "my husband" - "seu marido quer que embrulhe para presente?" (would your husband like to have it packed as a gift?), I felt my cheeks getting bright red. I didn't &nbsp;correct her, didn't even have the guts to tell you what she had just said, being a bit too concerned about your response ("what if he finds it stupid? Should I let him know so promptly that I love to be seen as his wife?", I thought. Stupid, right?). Now I have to admit, it sounded like a compliment to me! lol

My family LOVED you!

Mum was clearly bothered for being unable to establish direct communication with you - she wanted you to get all the jokes she was telling, wanted to hear your opinion about the country, the surroundings... She liked you. Wanted you to see the new house! Somehow, without enough communication, she approved of you. I was so proud of us - I finally managed to do something right, YES! I still don't know how - maybe it was the transparency of your eyes, your strong presence... Or just the gleam of joy in my eyes, having you by my side. I have to ask her - hopefully, she will elucidate.

And grandpa liked your posture; has been telling about you to pretty much everyone - you made quite an impression...

"My eldest girl is dating this military American guy. He's been to war twice, she told me. A short little fella he is, but he looks fierce. I wouldn't mess with him. We didn't talk much, I'm a simpleton, a country man and barely speaks Portuguese correctly, that is why I sent the lass to school, but I did want to hear a few stories. War is madness, it takes more than just will to make a man leave everything behind to fight in a war, and twice! Hah, I like that lad! He has to come back! Next time, I'm taking him to the farms with me."

Grandma didn't want to admit, but she liked you too. She is very easy to please - "if you truly love my granddaughter and treat her right, you already got me", she says. She just doesn't want to let go of me. She knows what your visit meant, and to her, there will never be a man good enough to convince her to let me go, which both flatters and upsets me, deeply. Overprotection. You already know the story.

Our days in Maringá went on flying.
*sigh*

It was so unfair, I had just started to feel my batteries recharged, I had so much to show you, I wanted more time with you... Will you laugh too hard at me if I tell that doing your laundry was one of the best parts of those days? I finally felt useful to you, I finally got the chance, a very small one, to repay a imperceptible percentage of your kindness and all the pampering I was getting. I was doing what I've always wanted to do, since the beginning: helping my man. Taking care of my honey. I don't care if you appreciate it or not - that was the way I found at the moment to show affection, concern... I didn't want you to do all that yourself, you had been driving long distances, you have a spinal damage, what kind of lady would let her man do that?!

You were doing so much for me... You didn't have to take me to fancy places nor buy me so many gifts - honey, you were here. Thinking of that brings tears to my eyes - you were the best gift I could have ever wished for! Every kiss on your cheeks and lips were a "thank you", for coming back. For crossing 2 continents for me. For being so caring, loving, patient and protective. I don't need money, I don't need to be spoiled - I need love, attention, a reason to smile... And you delivered it all! What else could I ask for?

Folding your clothes, getting you small gifts - another Lego, a Han Solo keychain -, stroking your hair as you rested your head on my chest, kissing your face in your sleep, holding you tight, even when you didn't want me to... I felt so privileged! And I wanted more of you, I wanted to do more for you...

Seeing you cry broke my heart!

I'm sorry if I couldn't ease the pain, I'm sorry if I can't... I can't promise you success, but I surely can tell you that I'll spend a lifetime trying. Your laughter and your smile are worth every tear, any sacrifice. Maybe the differences in our cultures won't let you see, but to me, you are more than just a war veteran - you are a super hero! You saw the worst in people, and still have faith in them. You survived to tell the tale, you're here, laughing at the face of Death and insulting it with your good health, your bravery, your kindness, your willingness to build a home, raise a family and be happy, despite of everything you experienced. Death touched you, and your skin didn't wrinkle. You are ten thousand the man that most men so feebly try to be.

I only wish I can live long enough to retribute the privilege of being your lady. The chance of learning so much with you, growing up with you. The gifts you gave me, and everything else you've done for me.

I respect you.
I admire you.
I adore you.
I miss you.
I love you.

I hope I can figure out a way to show how much...