Jokes for the Folks
Autor: Bob | Publicado: 2010-05-09T16:45:00-07:00

They have that number out of order because i read then from a list of 50...and choose the best just for you! ENJOY! 

1.Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”

5. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. The dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

3. A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”

18. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”
I said “WHAT???!!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear…
“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?”
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’ll just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited, she must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.”
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.”
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT??!!!” I then said “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I won’t be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over a frozen hell. [Cheeky Monkey]



20. The Holy Trinity decides to go on a vacation. The Son proposes to go to San Fransisco, but the Father finds that place too liberal minded. So the Father proposes to go to Jerusalem. “I can’t go on vacation there!” says the Son, “That’s where I got killed! I can’t believe you just said that!”

A fight breaks out, and the Holy Spirit walks out. “If y’all can’t come up with something when I come back, we’re not going anywhere!”

An hour later the Holy Spirit walks back into the room, and the Father and the Son excitedly say they want to go to Rome. “Rome?” says the Holy Spirit, “Great idea! I’ve never been there before!” [creosote]

29. Two cowboys are riding through a canyon, when off in the distance they hear the sound of Indian drums. One cowboy says to the other, “I don’t like the sound of those drums!” And from across they canyon they hear a voice call out, “HE’S NOT OUR NORMAL DRUMMER!” [Hannah]

30. i read in the paper the other day that regularly drinking in excess of prescribed weekly alcohol consumption levels can seriously damage your health…
so thats it, starting this monday im giving up reading. [haha]

35. Little Timmy was goinig on a fishing trip with his father one weekend. All packed up and ready they take off. About an hour after putting in and setting their lines, Little Timmys father takes out a beer, cracks it open and sets it down hoping that Timmy didn’t notice.
Timmy looks up at his father “Can I have a sip of you beer Dad?”
Timmys father replys “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole son?”
Timmy frowns and says No.
His father goes “Then you can’t have a sip of my beer”.
An hour or so later Timmy starts to get hungry and he just happened to sneak a candy bar into his pocket before they left. Timmy carefully opens it and takes a bite and tries to hid it. But Timmys Father noticed and is starting to get a bit hungry too.
“Hey, Timmy do you think I could get a bite of you candy bar?”
Timmy replies “Can your Pecker touch your Asshole?”
“Why Yes Timmy it can.” says the father.
And with out missing it, Timmy proudly states “Then Go Fuck Yourself!” [Crimanon]

36. A young boy named Timmy lives on a farm. One morning, he gets up and goes downstairs to the kitchen for breakfast. His mother stops him in the kitchen and asks if he had done his farmyard chores. “Not yet,” said Timmy. “Well no breakfast until your chores are done” said is mother.

Well, Timmy’s a little pissed because he’s hungry, but goes out and starts his chores. First thing, he goes to feed the chickens, but the chickens are squabbling over the food and flying everywhere, and one poops on his foot. Timmy swiftly proceeds to kick the offending chicken. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”.

This gets Timmy more pissed off, but he holds his tongue. He then sets off to the feed the pigs, but the pigs are also unsettled and splash mud all over Timmy. Timmy promptly reacts by swearing and kicking the nearest pig in the snout. His mother sees this from the kitchen, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week.”

Timmy is getting madder, but he doesn’t say a word and silently storms off to the last of his chores, which is to milk the cows. Everything seems to go well until Timmy gets to the last cow, who is being uncooperative. Timmy hits the cow on the rump, and the cow reacts by kicking the pail of milk over. Timmy then kicks the cow in the udder in frustration. Unfortunately, his mother sees this from the kitchen as well, and runs out and sternly says to Timmy “I saw you kick the cow, so you don’t get any milk for a week”.

By now, Timmy is madder than hell. He’s had a terrible grumpy morning, and as he walks into the kitchen, he is upset that he only has toast and dry cereal without milk for breakfast for the rest of the week. Just as Timmy sits down and starts to eat, his father comes down the stairs and accidentally trips over the cat. His father is also in a bad mood now, and proceeds to kick the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”. [monkey_vet]

37. Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring…… [Andre du Plessis]

39. The Mob was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were ‘protecting’.

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job–if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $100,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mob soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends their toughest enforcer to “deal with da situation”.

Well, it doesn’t take long for the enforcer to find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can’t communicate with him, so the hood drags the guy to an interpreter.

The hood says to the interpreter, “Ask him where da money is.” The interpreter signs, “Where’s the money?” The deaf man signs back, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” The interpreter tells the hood, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

The hood pulls out a .38 S&amp;W and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. “NOW ask him where da money is.”

The interpreter signs, “Where is the money?” The deaf man frantically signs back, “The $100,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate.” The interpreter says to the hood, “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about, and furthermore, he doesn’t think you have the balls to pull the trigger.” [Doghouse Riley]

41. Q: Whats the difference between a job and a wife? A: After 10 years, the job still sucks!! [Adam]

43. Q: What do a priest and a Christmas tree both have in common? A: Both have balls that are just for decoration. [mistere]

40. An American, an Englishman and a Scot are at a bar. Each of them orders a beer. As the bartender sets their drinks in front of them, three flies buzz in and each of them land in a beer.

The American pushes his drink toward the bartender and says, “There’s a fly in my drink. Pour me another.”

The Englishman picks the fly out, shrugs and takes a drink.

A sudden noise makes them glance over at the Scot, who is holding the fly over his drink and pinching it, saying “Spit it out, ye wee thievin’ bastard!” [slublog]