MANIAS
Autor: André Laurentino | Publicado: 2013-04-05T08:09:00-03:00

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Publicado no guia Divirta-se, em O Estado de S. Paulo em abril de 2013



Durante anos
morei sozinho num apartamento na Bela Vista. Era tão pequeno que só cabiam
móveis de duas sílabas. Estante não tinha, cadeira também não. Bem dizer, era
um vão. Donde veio o nome da festa que dei para inaugurá-lo: Vão lá em casa.



Mas o que não
cabia de coisas cabia de manias. Morar só é regar nossas esquisitices com a
água da impunidade. Desenvolvi várias, que cultivava com secreto orgulho.
Anotava todas num caderninho (eis uma delas) para depois comparar no natal com
as manias de uma tia, solteira profissional. 



Encabeçando a
lista vinha esta: ao sair de casa, eu fechava a porta mas não trancava. Ia até
o elevador e apertava o botão para chamar. Em vez de ficar esperando, eu
voltava até a porta para passar a chave. Com isso, dava uma utilidade aos
segundos que seriam de outro modo desperdiçados na espera. 



Outra era abrir
a torneira quente (não tinha misturador) no fluxo exato para conseguir ensaboar
e enxaguar as mãos antes que a temperatura ficasse escaldante — mas estivesse
morninha, quase quente.



Girar repetidas
vezes a faca carregada de requeijão, e fazer com que chegasse até a cream
cracker sem que uma gota de queijo respingasse na mesa. 



Acertar a
almofada no interruptor da parede para apagar a luz sem ter que levantar da
cama.



Servir água no
copo com a geladeira aberta a tempo de pegar a porta já fechando mas com espaço
suficiente para guardar a garrafa, tirar a mão já meio de lado e escapar por um
triz pela fresta que se extinguia. Depois saborear a água junto com esse feito
de sincronia, um 007 versão Minalba.



Descobrir o
ponto cego na parede onde se pode vestir as calças tranquilamente sem ter que
fechar as cortinas. Saber chegar nu a esse ponto cego sem pagar mico.



Calcular onde
pôr um copo na pia para que, ao se ligar a torneira, a água acerte direitinho o
interior do copo sem respingar na pia. 



Quando dominei
a arte das manias, perdi todas: mudei do apartamento, casei, tive um gato e
duas filhas. Mas quando todos já foram dormir, eu me pego pensando nas loucuras
que eu fazia quando era solteiro. Ah, se aquelas paredes falassem.




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