Emotional Habits
Autor: Julio Cesar Tafforelli | Publicado: 2011-09-09T08:14:00-07:00


Emotional Habit
A schema is a powerful set of negative thoughts and feelings that were developed to help us cope at one time, either in childhood or in our developing years. Because these learned patterns protected us during those early years, our brain continues to believe in their necessity now. But in fact, as adults our schemas lead us to think and act in ways that keep our needs from being fulfilled. These same habits that at one time protected us as children, now sabotage our true desires, offering us neurotic solutions. Our schemas are maladaptive and self-defeating.

Buddhism speaks of our destructive habits as anusayas, “dormant tendencies in the mind that erupt in episodes of mental and emotional disturbance.” Goleman likens the landscape of these eruptions to mental minefields, a term that aptly describes the mental chaos and confusion that can overwhelm us when our schemas are activated. We are all familiar with the pattern: an old feeling is prompted by something, someone, somewhere and we are back in that old place with defenses up ready to fight or flee. As automatic as our breath, our schemas are activated.

What’s your schema? An honest look at our patterns is needed to spot and understand the hidden schemas in our lives. Goleman introduces ten common schemas, the first five shaped by our earliest experiences with our parents and family, the others shaped later as we entered the world beyond our family.
The early years:


Abandonment&nbsp;- the ongoing fear that people will leave us all alone may have been prompted by any childhood experience of being left, literally or symbolically. Resulting feelings of the abandonment schema are sadness, feelings of isolation and the fear and panic that come from the prospect of being left.

Although the child’s response to these fears is to cling more tightly, as an adult such neediness can drive relationships away, thus sabotaging the very relationships longed for. Alternatively, running away from relationships in an attempt to avoid being abandoned is another habit of the abandonment schema.

A healthy response to abandonment involves learning that it’s ok to be on your own, that one has the inner resources to meet their needs themselves and learning to trust in connections.

Deprivation&nbsp;– the conviction that one’s needs won’t be met may have been prompted by a childhood of neglect. As an adult this can trigger hypersensitivity to not being noticed or attended to in close relationships in spite of contrary evidence. Resulting feelings include hopelessness that one will ever be understood or cared for. In turn, anger and resentment for being ignored can crop up. With the deprivation schema, one may develop heightened caregiver skills in learning to care for those who aren’t able to care themselves, or in an attempt to protect oneself from being hurt in a relationship, one may keep others at a distance.

A healthy response to the deprivation schema involves developing an awareness of a tendency to misinterpret others’ actions and understanding and clarifying one’s own needs clearly in relationships that are emotionally healthy.

Subjugation&nbsp;– the feeling that one’s needs don’t matter may have been prompted by controlling parents who ignored their child’s autonomy. Adults with this pattern have difficulty making decisions for themselves and may be over eager to please others. Under this pleasing façade however resentment and anger boil. Coping techniques may include rebellion, a lack of commitment or surrender to others.

A healthy response to the subjugation schema involves becoming aware of your anger over being controlled and asserting your own opinions and needs.

Mistrust&nbsp;– a deep sense that people can’t be trusted can result from abuse as a child. Because the maltreatment is often intentional and at the hand of someone who normally should be trustable, mistrust impacts a fundamental way of being in the world. As an adult, one might be hesitant or suspicious of intimate relationships even though these connections may be beneficial. Resulting feelings can include rage and fear of betrayal.

A healthy response to the mistrust schema includes challenging paranoid thoughts that keep one from practicing and establishing trust in safe relationships.

Unlovability&nbsp;– a fundamental belief that one is defective and thus unlovable can result from childhood experiences of rejection. Shame and humiliation result from the conviction of being flawed and unworthy of love. Adults with this pattern fear that their weaknesses will be discovered upon becoming known ultimately resulting in rejection. This lack of self-confidence leads them to hide their thoughts and feelings resulting in a hollow, false self in which they hide from the world.

A healthy response to the unlovability schema involves challenging the thoughts that focus on one’s faults in an attempt to create a truer picture of oneself and learning to feel confident that your loved ones know you and love you as you are.