“Sou doce como água do mar”
Autor: devaneiosfilosóficos | Publicado: 2012-02-09T19:40:00-03:00

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Não sei escrever coisas alegres. Tampouco expressar em verso e reversos sonetos de amor e gargalhadas na atmosfera de um barquinho que tal qual a música veleja em dias de sol e com festas no mar. Não mesmo.Como posso escrever coisas que não estão contidas em minha alma? Descrever uma alegria que não conheço? Falar de amor? Não posso falar do que me é incógnito. Sinto-me extremamente sozinha. E isso é perturbador e incongruente, pois na dimensão de minha racionalidade penso que a solidão pode ser profícua e reveladora. Inspira. Faz rever os passos, atos e desilusões, revisitar as memórias afetivas e, reviver cheiros, gostos e músicas. Eu gosto de ficar sozinha. Aspiro degustar minha própria companhia. Chegar. Abrir uma cerveja bem gelada, acender um Malboro, encontrar os livros de Marx, reler as poesias de Neruda e escrever minhas inquietações políticas.&nbsp;&nbsp; Todavia, isso me acomete de lembranças perturbadoras, sentimentos de abandono, fragmentos de remorso, sensações de renúncia dos meus sonhos... Estar sozinha me faz enfrentar &nbsp;os meus pensamentos mais profundos, radicais, rebeldes e impublicáveis. E isso não cabe dentro de mim. Deixa-me contrita, melancólica e sem perspectivas de que algum dia poderei ser amada de verdade. Eu tenho convicção de que isso não é possível. Há tantas mulheres habitando em mim que me colocam constantemente a um passo da insanidade. “Há gritos dentro de mim, que me povoam da mais imensa solidão”.É por isso que me rodeio de atividades, pessoas, lugares, livros, músicas, tudo para esconder a dificuldade de ficar frente a frente com os meus contornos mais profundos. O Eu de verdade. Com aquela mulher que tal qual Maysa quer incessantemente encontrar “os comigos de mim”, já que meu Eu só existe no plural.Tanta diversidade se abriga e briga dentro de mim de tal forma que me sinto constantemente perseguida por sentimentos de semi-morte. Tenho pensado muito na insuportabilidade da vida, na incontrolabilidade do capital e na impossibilidade do socialismo. Ademais, tenho sentido, constante e insistentemente, aquela sensação de voltar na quarta – feira de cinzas para casa. É isso, o vazio das cinzas com toda melancolia que acompanha o fim de carnaval. 
Sinto saudades. Sinto saudades de coisas que nem sei o que são, de pessoas que talvez nem conheça, de lugares que percorri e vivi pequenos momentos de felicidade. Tenho vivido nos últimos anos uma felicidade tão efêmera quanto a fumaça do cigarro que teimo em fumar. A angústia é inevitável.&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;