Autor: Fer | Publicado: 2011-05-19T11:34:00-03:00

What's the meaning of everything? Sometimes I just think about it, and I never get a conclusion. It's so hard being an adult, bills to be paid, rules to follow, obligations to accept, apartment to clean and organize, family and friends to keep in touch, classes to learn, life to live.
When a choice is made it's not so simple going back. Things aren't independents, if you want to go back, living where we live, you have to enforce contracts first, finish what you have signed, because people just think about money, and if you don't do what they want to, you will be punished, and certantly you will lose money. And, unfortunatly, we can do nothing without it. It's a pitty.
The world is so extense, there are so many people living around, each one with their own lives, different jobs, different choices and different ideas.
Does everything have a purpose? I just can't figure it out.
How is it possible to be the happiest person in world? Feel complete, feel full? If you only think about yourself maybe it will be possible. But how about the others? How about friends of you who are in trouble or relatives who have problems to be fixed? How about people you even know who are dying because of hunger, because of depression, because they also can not find the purpose of living? No, I'm not intended to kill myself hahah, I'm just wreaking. Of course it's impossible to fix the hunger all over the world, but at the same time it's stupid just forget about this. There is a thin line between convenience and the real world.
Yesterday I had a nightmare, I dreamt i had killed three or four friends of mine, good friends actually. For my relief it was just a bad dream, but I thought about that, and while I was dreaming, I was like going crazy, literaly. Where I work we have some patients who are not nuts at all, but some of them have real psico problems. I was wondering, crazy people are happier than us (considering we are normal) or they only want to be loved, to feel normal, or if they think they are normal, they just want to be crazy?

Once I dreamt this terrible dream, I started thinking why I have dreamt it? Those friends were all from São Paulo. The only explanation is that I had talked to Gabi, from João Pessoa, and I decided to get money to go there, because the last time was four years ago, and if I do that, I will not go to São Paulo visit my friends and family, because I don't have enough money for both. So I "killed" people from São Paulo to go to João Pessoa. Maybe Freud would agree with me, for him&nbsp;&nbsp;the rule is that the manifest content of the dream is nothing but a ‘facade’ (I really expect it, because I don't want to kill my friends Oo)&nbsp;and that, whether in a dream ‘it shows’&nbsp;sometimes to the point of blinding, above all, a dream is a want-to-say.&nbsp;So, the latent content of dream is more important than the manifest content.&nbsp;The mistery of dream&nbsp;is that it expresses the fulfillment of an unconscious wish. The dream would understand an interpretation of desire, so my dream was the way my&nbsp;&nbsp;subconscious&nbsp;found to make me understand that I have a desire: go to João Pessoa! :D
Looking for articles about dreams and Freud, I found an interesting thing that Lacan said. And I also thought about "love" while I'm writing here, once I'm living almost a love history, but not the happier love story at all.

Lacan said, that the unconscious is structured as a language. The unconscious as we&nbsp;may think of it, is the force that is outside our conscious mind, the mind we use for rational thinking and self&nbsp;determination. We usually associate language with the force of rationality and consciousness. However Lacan asserts&nbsp;that it is language which is deeply interwoven into our reality so much so that it is a cause of desire, not merely a&nbsp;means to express it. Here it may be useful to make a distinction as to what it is Lacan means by desire. Desire, is not&nbsp;the same as a biological need. For every biological need, such as the need to eat food, to reproduce, to survive, to&nbsp;inject oneself with heroin- if one is an addict, we make an associated demand. This demand is more than just an&nbsp;attempt to satisfy the need, it is also a demand for love. Imagine if you will a crying baby, it is not just the mother’s&nbsp;milk which he or she desires, but the love of being responded to by an other, and being unified positively with the&nbsp;world. However, once the demand for milk has been answered, the interwoven demand for Love remains unfulfilled.&nbsp;The mother may have fed the child but she is a separate individual and soon afterwards she went back to sleep.&nbsp;Therefore, Demand minus Need, is Desire, the remainder left over, the unfulfilled demand for unity with the world.

When I moved to this city, I didn't think about all the aspects, all the things I would have to do, etc etc etc. I came here 90% because of love (idiot or not, was my choice), and reading this adding the fact I notice I'm really needy, I just thought maybe I'm this baby, just looking for love, just want to be unified positively with the world, with my world. My world where I love my boyfriend. But he is like the mother, who&nbsp;went back to sleep.
But as I said in the beginning, going back is not that simple. There are many things involed, and deep inside I still think people and things and my boyfriend can change for better. But I will discover it only if I stand here.
And I will.
For now at least.
While I'm comfortably numb. ;)