endless end
Autor: Autumn Leaves | Publicado: 2015-01-25T02:15:00-08:00


This is probably the biggest agony I have ever passed through, I wish no one but God read this words for He is the only being that&nbsp; could do something and tonight I really wish He took my life because everything I thought, everything I trusted, everything I hope, everything I did and put all my effort in, praying, crying out, giving my life were in vain, were nothing, there is nothing more for me… I can’t stand anymore, not for my family, not for her, not for myself, and maybe not even for Jesus’s sacrifice at the cross, if I could see His face and hear His voice telling me to not give up the only thing I could say would be: I’m so sorry Jesus, I could not stand, I’m done, your sacrifice for me was in vain, please take your breath of life from my body…sorry, sorry, your are my best friend but I can just cry sorry…



“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life” - Proverbs 13:12



This verse was never so true for me, I felt the tree of my life withering and this is the only forever that left for me… My longings, my beliefs, my hope, my everything, all torn apart with dreams that now, I really feel inside, will never come true with her. Everything that I most wish was given to someone else more noble, more special than I could ever be. And the love she says she has for me means nothing when all the rest seems project by God’s will, and they are now a couple following God’s plans, they are blessed and like Adam and Eve God has given them to each other, she is accepting this gift while love for his new boyfriend blooms in her heart and I will be forgotten. I can see that they deserve to be happy and God is providing them with His blessings, a family, hope, a future, a walking towards Heaven, supporting each other, learning and overcoming the difficulties of this life together… and what could I know about it? I know that this is all I ever wanted, all I waited all these months, everything that I was fighting for is now for another man and I’m so miserable when I realize that, I cannot see through the clouds of my pain, what can I ask from God? Lord, I know they are happy together but I want they to break up and she come back to be happy with me? No, I am so immature, so jealous of what they have, because It was what I was striving for having with her. And I know that I have to give a step of faith, I have to stand and trust in the will of God, but during all these months I thought I was trusting, I was dreaming of working in the church with her, walking to Heaven with her and our families and now that I arrived here, each smile she gives to him, each moment going out with him, each plan, each work in the church with him, each words proclaiming the Gospel to the world just crushes my heart and I feel paralysed… why all my dreams were taken from me and given to someone else in front of my eyes? I know I should not ask why, I should accept and trust and wait… And I did it for so long but she couldn’t see, she did not trust, she did not wait… and then, just before I return for her, for our dreams, she&nbsp; found someone to give everything I was fighting for… I’m not well, I’m not happy, I’m completely destroyed inside and how can I help my family, how can I stand firm as before, how can I resist, how can apply what I’ve learn, how can I show my character to her, how can I show her or anyone who I am, how can I dream…? I feel that I am the only one in this whole story who does not deserve to be happy, who is not happy, I always felt that I was the last one, the abandoned one, and It was so hard to get some confidence, it was so hard to believe, it was so hard to overcome the insecurity and finally be able to dream and to build a future with you God, and I’m not able to fight anymore, I’m not able to wait anymore or even trust, I do not have the strength I received before, I believed my dreams were so noble, my desire of working for God, of walking with her, my current and future family to eternal life is genuine, my dreams with her and Sophia are genuine, these dreams are the purest thing I had, they were not something wrong, they are something that was planted so deep in my heart and I do not want to spoil it, I do not want to sin anymore, I want to keep being noble, I want to stand but I do not know how… I do not understand how she could make this decision and put ourselves in this situation and now she is going to be happy, her suffering passed but mine is greater than ever… I am so disappointed with my life that I feel that is all over… but there’s still a sparkle of hope that she realizes that I am here, and we get together in the presence of God, in a wedding at the beach, working together for the salvation of others, being fulfilled in true and deep love, in God, in our family, and in a eternity in Heaven…but this hope is completely gone in the reality, she’s is walking with another man, and because of that, hope is almost gone inside myself and with it, everything I have is gone…&nbsp;



God, as my friend said, there is no bargains with you, nothing that I do will make me receive your favour, you have your plans, but It has been so hard for me to just accept them, actually, I thought I was walking to a beautiful future according to the freedom you give to us to choose, and I was sure you were with me because I was giving my life to you but in the end, she just chose another man, and all pure and beautiful dreams I had were completely broken, I do not know anything, I cannot let it go, I think I do not trust enough anymore and all that I can think of is putting an end in my own life…There is no more hope like I had in Australia, I feel loosing everything I learned, all experiences I had with you, I feel loosing all my life… She looked me in the eyes, she saw the truth I carry inside me, she saw the dreams I have with her, she saw my desire in serving you with her, and she just chose for another man even knowing I will never be able to forget us…




God, I need you to interfere in my life now, I do respect you and I’m nothing to force you to do anything, you are wiser than me, but please, I need a miracle, I failed many times with you but I tried to be resilient, to never turn away from you even when I was in pain, I write here because I cry everyday, my heart is bleeding continuously and I have no excuses because the Bible says that nothing comes to us that we cannot overcome and endure, but for being so hurt I am about to give up and end my own life, I know Jesus died for my soul, I know my life is precious for you, but I cannot stand any longer… I am so sorry for my family, I am so sorry for You, my God and Father, and I am so sorry for Jesus who died for me… all dreams are gone and without dreams I am nothing… I do not know what I did wrong, I do not know why I am still the last choice, I do not know why I am the only who is not going to be happy… My love was the most precious thing I could give and I do not know why my love is so worthless… please, take my my life… i surrender…

˜autumn leaves