Confessions
Autor: Mary Elizabeth | Publicado: 2013-05-22T09:13:00-07:00


April 1st, 1850.
The words have disappeared. Where have they gone? Why are my thoughts in blank? Then I remembered the reason: it was another arguing, another exchange of bad words. We were growing estranged between ourselves and the more things like these were happening, the more blank I was finding myself in.
April 2nd, 1850.
He's different. His eyes are darker, his lips are dried, his clothes are cheap. His hair is shorter, his skin seems to be pale. "What's the reason for the distress?" I have asked. "Mind your own business" he answered. I stayed there whilst he was looking into the nothing.
He sat at the couch, wearing these clothes to cover his wealth. What was going on? There was only one explanation, though: exams.
April 3rd, 1850.
His mother and his father came for a visit. She was small, had black hair, dark eyes, lift nose and curved lips. She wore those decadents gowns to show herself some respect and there were few pearls in her neck. The father was too the reflection of an unhappy but tradicional family: he was tall, his hair was well cut, his eyes were too as dark as his wife's and son's, his clothes were made very elegantly.
The mother glared at me. Was she analyzing me? I couldn't tell. The difference, I heard someone once saying, is between the truth and the choice to pretend and close the eyes. But that moment was just another one.
I went to my room to change my clothes and try to look more...what could be the word to describe this? Nevermind. I barely disappeared of their eyes and I listened his mother whispering: "Is she the one you will marry? Are you sure? You are not even at the college yet, since you gave up your vacancy in Cambridge!" Not satisfied, she also added: "She's not good enough for you, don't you see? Her clothes, her manners, her physical... She doesn't even eat! She's socially awkward, and how can one be able to introduce the other to society? I'd be ashamed if I were you. Of course I cannot blame you, sweetheart, you were too young when this happened".
More than her words, his silence hurt me. Was that his final choice?
April 4th, 1850.
He looked tired, exhausted. He was in not a good mood again. Charlotte today has invited me to a party, in which I had accepted and had told her he'd join me. But when I saw his face... I wasn't so sure. Yet, I decided to take a risk.
"Are you coming with me to Charlotte's birthday?" I asked
"No" he said.
"Why?"
"Because can't you see I'm tired? Please, Mary, leave me to be!"he said in such a rude way that I had to back off. So we were in these ways again after four years being together.
"I'll be going, then" I said.
He looked at me, surprised. "Will you go without me? The social rules don't matter to you?"
I held back a bitter answer. Instead, I smirked. "Fine, I will stay".
"No" he retorded "You might go. Go and stay with your friends"
I was angry and was pushed. He clearly wanted to enjoy himself by arguing with me. Yet, if that's what he thought, it'd hurt me very bad. Unintentionally, I rose my voice.
"You cannot control me! You have been courting me for years, Jack! People wouldn't try anything or wouldn't even dare to suggest to make a gossip against me or your family"
The simply mention of his family hurt his pride. "Don't you dare to mention my family in this"
And we argued. We shouted. We ended up hurt. What would be a solution for that?
April 5th, 1850.
I went to a voyage and would stay with my parents for two weeks at the countryside.
April 6th, 1850.
No letter was sent.
April 7th, 1850.
No letter was sent.
April 8th, 1850.
No sign of a letter.
April 9th, 1850.
The same thing.
April 10th, 1850.
Would I ever receive the letter he promised to write to me?
April 11th, 1850
Nothing of that letter.
April 12th, 1850.
Is it necessary to wonder if he's been affected by the studies that much that he has forgotten about me?
April 13th, 1850.
Countryside looks very peaceful, very nice and... Letter? Which letter?
April 14th, 1850.
I'm enjoying countryside very much. Family's been reunited, we all went to the church and it was there I have learned to find myself again.
April 15th, 1850.
Religion is not boring.
April 16th, 1850.
Plans of marriage? What?!
April 17th, 1850.
Finally the letter! Here's the missive he sent to me:
"My precisous and little Mary, I was blind my pride and couldn't admit to myself how much I have missed you in these days you left. To be with my parents again means nothing but loneliness and solitude. I have been studying all day long and I'm sure I will be going to study medicine soon. In the meanwhile, I ask you to never forget me as I keep you in my thoughts always. Yours truly, Jack"
April 18th, 1850.
I sent him a reply. "My darling and most loved Jack, the one and only I ever loved and will ever love, the one I sent my heart. You have nothing to ask forgiveness for. I, most of all, understand your situation and know, with the faith I have in God and in us, that we will marry soon and have many beautiful children. Forgive me for having these wishful thinkings. It's something that I cannot avoid when it's about to stay next to you. Please, pray tell me you are well and nothing's wrong with you. Manage your time well so you don't get distressed. Yours sincerely, Mary".
April 19th, 1850.
Preparations to the voyage back to London start, but not without noticing that my cousin's best friend, William, has been noticing me. He might be handsome. I might have flirted with him a little bit, but only to remind him I'm very well committed with Jack.
April 20th, 1850.
The carriage starts to take us from Winchester and makes its way to bring us back to London.
April 21th, 1850.
Still travelling.
April 22th, 1850.
Almost delayed by a strong rain.
April 23th, 1850.
We have arrived at the King Charles II's street, but no signs of welcome or other things came from Jack. My heart grows heavier and broken, but I learned to pretend very well.
April 24th, 1850.
Jack has come to visit me. We spent some time together by walking around the Victorian London and making the same things we always did since we met long time ago. But I noticed he was weird. What was he hidding?
April 25th, 1850.
We argued again. I was merely making a suggestion to leave around and perhaps visiting the Buckingham Palace when he retorded that I don't understand he has such an important exam to make in a few weeks. He shouts words against me and despite how hurt I get, which was deeper and deeper, I just listened.
Why couldn't I say anything? Why couldn't I cry? Why? So many questions that I feared I had the answer.
April 26th, 1850.
Another arguing. It started when his mother said somethings to him and he clearly didn't stand by me. Somehow it went to higher levels of argument. I've never been so hurt in my entire relationship with him.
April 27th, 1850.
Today we received some friends. They have been noticing the abscence of ours in their parties. Jack gave the same answer: "Studying". He controled himself when Matthew, a friend of ours, said he was "studying too hard" and, therefore, "he should leave and have some fun", in which I agree. But all I received was another death glare from Jack.
April 28th, 1850.
We had a long and sad conversation that made me cry. Not in front of him, of course. If there was something I have learned between four years of relationship, it was this: do never cry in front of your lover, husband, brother or father. It shows only your weakness and they will never stand beside you. But he had some suspicious, though.
"Your eyes are too red", said Jack. "Have you been crying?"
"No, of course not" I said, laughing nervously.
"Yes, you have" he insisted. "I know you, my little one. Tell me, please".
I was struggling against tears.
"No"
"Mary..."
"I said I'm fine, really"
He sighed. "Fine, I'll believe in you"
Two hours were spent in some sort of awkward silence. I didn't know what made me say, but probably was the revelation he told me that we were not working anymore. So, I opened my heart a little bit...All right I admit I cried. He cuddled me and everything was all right again. However, I didn't see that in his eyes, we would never be fixed again.
April 29th, 1850.
He studied, I made my obligations and the day would be perfect if, again, we had not failed to another arguing. The problem was that I wanted to study the same things he was studying, so I needed his help. Jack retorded that he wouldn't have time to teach me because I wouldn't like to learn.
Another hell, but two hours later we were well again. But my heart was still broken. Yet, we had some fun that day by walking in some museums and going to Charlotte and Matthew's ball. There we danced, we laughed and even drank.
But the worst day of my life was about to come.
April 30th, 1850.
It has come to nothing.
"We need to talk", he said as soon as I woke up.
"All right", I followed him to the living room.
"We haven't been well lately, and there's a lot going on in my life right now. It's even possible I move to Cambridge, because..."he stopped and carefully choose his words as he saw me frowning. "Mary, I have been in seriously doubt. It has been consumating me for months! I loved you and truly did, but now..."
"Now what?" I said, my voice too controled, my eyes too dried. Did I just turn myself into somebody else?
"I don't know what to do"he paused and then added "It wouldn't be good for us to be apart"
"As it wouldn't be good for us if we remained together" I said. "Look, I do not give a damn about what people will think of us. Your parents, nor mine, ever had faith we would end up married anyway. We lived together, but so what? You seem to be used to something you are stuck and can't get out".
"Mary..."he said, his eyes full of tears.
"You do not love me" I said. And hearing my voice saying this words broke my self defense. I was in tears myself.
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's true, Jack. You stopped loving me after you went to Cambridge! You only came back to me because I was faithful to you, because you always have chosen the safer way, how to be safe" I said, trying hard not to sob between words. "And I cannot stay with anyone who's "used" to me and doesn't love me how I love you"
Then we both cried. Then we both spoke. Then we pretended. Then we have come to the end.
The period that goes from May until September, there are no entries in my diary. Most because I was too hurt, I was studying and doing some other things, as I tried to forget him for good.
October 1st, 1850.
I'm tired of the balls. That's all what I have been doing since he left me. We have met somewhere in July, in his birthday, for pure and logical coincidence. He, however, was rude to me. I don't know why he's been SO rude. What have I done?
October 2nd, 1850.
He's engaged to some whore. How dared he?
October 3rd, 1850.
His mother invited mine to the engagement ball. I'm not going. The rude man can go to the hell.
October 4th, 1850.
How can he fall in love so easily after 4 years of committement, promises and almost going to engagement? Forgive me if I don't seem to understand.
October 5th, 1850.
I said I'm not going.
October 6th, 1850.
Not going, mother.
October 7th, 1850.
Not going, father.
October 8th, 1850.
STOP INVITING ME, YOU HEARTLESS PEOPLE.
October 9th, 1850.
I might go. Did I say that?
October 10th, 1850.
I went. And...Uh-Oh.
October 11th, 1850.
On the previous day, I met an older brother of Jack's university's best friend. His name is Henry Stewart. He's handsome, actually and scottish. Tall, blonde with green eyes. Very, very clever man, not to mention that he's rich and has connections to the high society-- to my mother's pleasure.
Mr. Stewart, how he was simply called because of his insistance (some called him "my lord" because he's the son of the Earl of Winchester), was very kind. We found out we shared common interests such as music, History (he is graduated in Law because of his parents, but if he could choose, as he told me yesterday, he would have become a historian. Interesting thought.), social sciences and dancing.
As the ball was opened by Jack and his fiancée, a very rich lady named Katherine Cloves, getting all the attention to them, Mr Stewart and I would dance later too, but in the meantime we talked a lot. And I had that weird feeling I have met him before, that I have seen him before. What this could be?
October 12th, 1850.
Mr. Stewart surprisingly came by to visit me this morning. He invited my family and I to visit Manchester. If we were interested, of course. "But of course" I accepted even before asking my parents. But they gladly accepted too and so my eldest brother, George, and my mother and my father joined Mr. Stewart's family in two carriages to go for a long voyage to Manchester.
October 13th, 1850.
Mr. Stewart and I cannot stop talking. Oh, dear God. That feeling I have known him for long time is disturbing the peace of my broken heart.
October 14th, 1850.
He mentioned me he feels like he has known me for ages. I, like a foolish romantic girl, couldn't help but tell him I felt the same. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes. He's so...dreamy.
October 15th, 1850.
Rain and cold.
October 16th, 1850.
Cold and rain.
October 17th, 1850.
Henry is so kind.
"I'm sorry, I think I have this terrible habit of speaking too much", I said with an apologetic look.
He laughed.
"It's fine, miss, I do not mind at all. I like to hear your voice".
Oh. My. God. Did I just blush? What for? God, I'm in trouble.
October 18th, 1850.
The voyage has been terrible long, but not boring enough. George has given himself very well with Henry's brother, Louis (the one who's best friend of Jack), and sister Elizabeth. They are both indeed very delightful. Not to mention that George's parents and mine got along very fast. I think I'm truly happy for the first time in years!
October 19th, 1850.
Despite the fact we have spoken a lot in the entire voyage, Henry doesn't seem to get tired of me, neither I could get tired of him. We have now reached a very interesting, but also creepy, level, in which consisted in guessing each other's fondness. Why creepy, the reader must be wondering now? It's because I never told him these things and he never told me either.
I dare say I believe we have some sort of connection.
October 20th, 1850.
We finally have arrived at Manchester and the first thing we did, right after we had arrived at the Abbey that is located in the countryside, was having a shower, dinner and then sleep. I have never slept so much in my entire life.
October 21th, 1850.
Henry introduced me the neighborhood. Interesting, kind and pious people. There we had the first conversation about religion. He's lutheran and I'm anglican, but he confessed he wouldn't mind at all that, if someday he had to marry, he'd marry in both churches.
Besides the religion, we also spoke of relationships and he was surprised by the fact I lived with a man of the same age as I for four years and never married. Of course he was shocked (who wouldn't be?!) but then he understood me.
By the end of the day, we enjoyed each other's company very much. I couldn't admit to myself, but I was more than just fond of him.
October 22th, 1850.
A day so full of surprises that until the end of the day I was speechless.
"Mary, darling, you have 20 years old and are such a beauty..." started to say my mother right before the dinner. "You are in age of marrying, my dear girl", said my father.
I frowned. "Couldn't you wait until we returned to London?" I asked.
"No", said my mother with her eyes sparkling of happiness. What was going on?
"George proposed Elizabeth" announced my father "and the Earl of Winchester proposed us a marriage between his son and you, since you both got along so well. Henry did even come here afterwards to ask my permission" he said, proud of himself. "He'll propose you later".
Too much information that I couldn't stand.George proposed Elizabeth Stewart? But what? Since when? And... am I going to marry Henry? On one hand, I was happy, of couse. But on the other hand, I was scared...A lot.
I wasn't sure if I was ready to live as a married woman, specially when I'm all dependent of everyone else and am close to my mother. In other words, you may say I'm a spoilt child. But still... However, as I was sent to the gardens to have a time for myself, I realised that I was lying to myself: I loved Jack, yes, but not as much as I love Henry. He's the one I will gladly spend the rest of my life with, and most important, the one I have a spiritual connection. Might sound crazy, but that's how I feel. And it's true.
So, it was no surprise at all when I met Henry.
"Hello, Henry. I was looking for you..."I said. "I mean... I was told you were looking for me". I blushed. Was I looking so idiot? My God. Indeed, I have no good manners, but who cares? That lady is not my mother-in-law anymore. In fact, what would she be? A horse covered by lady? An old horse, better saying... Ops. I forgot to complete the conversation. But these were basically my thoughts at the time.
Henry, looking so handsome as always, smiled. "It's the truth that I was looking for you". He offered his arm and we started walking. "It might sound too early for you, Mary, but for the first time I saw you, I realised two things. The first is that you were broken and needed to be fixed. I wanted to do that by myself. The second, that came as soon as we spoke, was the connection and the attraction I felt for you. They were only increased during our journey together."He paused to look at me &nbsp;and noticed how I agreed with all he was saying. Again with his smile, he carried on. "I'm 28 years old, miss, so I'm in age of marrying. You can realise the urgence that was for making double weddings" he stopped to chuckle and I followed him "But it's the love I feel for you that makes me want to marry you as soon as possible".
Henry knelt and, by the most tradicional way, he looked deep into my teary and brown eyes, and said: "Mary Craig, would you accept this ring that represents the will of Lord and my own to have you as my wife?". I almost jumped him. "Oh, my! Of course, I do. With all my heart, Henry, I do, I do, I do".
October 23th, 1850.
I finish here, a week earlier than I was planning to, the entry of my journey. Henry and I are going to live quietly in Winchester and I intend to devote my life to him as his wife, being the mother of several children, if that's be the God's will. As for my parents and Henry's, they did get along and keep getting along, for having two children married between themselves. George and Elizabeth fell madly in love with each other right after the proposal, which makes me happy. Jack heard of my engagement and tried to break his own committement to the lady to marry me.
But that was far too late and I have moved on, being the wife of my own prince charming without needing to have the approval of Queen Victoria and her society.
The End.