Melhor viver do que ser feliz
Autor: Rubens Merino (Carpe Diem) | Publicado: 2011-04-03T22:55:00-07:00

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São duas e vinte da manhã, chove copiosamente lá fora, eu aqui no meu quarto não consigo mais dormir, é como se o tempo representasse o que me vai por dentro.Não sei dizer, quantas vezes temos que perder, para talvez logo ali ganhar mais um pouco, ou simplesmente perder tudo.Talvez eu perdi um pouco do meu orgulho, talvez uma só lágrima molhada não seja suficiente, é difícil saber, mas o fato é que esse é o caminho que eu escolhi para mim, arriscar e ser feliz, assim eu acredito.Não queria sofrer, não queria não ser aceito, não queria o negar, mas tudo agora parece tão inexplicável e sofrível que não tem como fugir, senão viver a dor e tentar continuar...É terrível o sentimento que vem com tudo isso, a dúvida, o porquê, não dá para saber o que realmente quer dizer o não do outro, mas meu perfeccionismo trata de arrumar mil tenebrosas respostas, envoltos em complexos, medos, angústias, dúvidas e inseguranças, os piores sentidos possíveis refletem em mim...Ninguém disse que esse caminho seria fácil, eu sonhei que era possível, a fé ri das impossibilidades, mas o sentimento resultante nesse momento não é tão bom assim...Acho que faz parte, mas é uma parte que não é boa de se viver...Enfim, não há palavras de consolação, apenas a constatação do não e a verdade do agora!Procuro achar nobreza em mim, procuro lembrar que antes nada eu tinha, mas enfim, é fato, eu gosto, eu quero, o outro não, o meu domínio e controle foram jogados fora! Somente o não martela o meu eu!Então não há resposta, apenas a certeza de que eu sonhei, pensei e achei, agora vi que era uma ilusão e não posso me nutrir dela, como das tantas outras que já me alimentaram por tanto tempo.Assim como a dor que sinto agora esse texto é incompleto e desejoso que o não seja momentâneo, que a dor seja passageira, que o final feliz seja possível, mas agora penso no tempo, não o de chuva, nem o de sol, do frio ou o calor, mas aquele que cura as feridas...Porém imediatamente lembrei, o tempo não as cura, aprendi recentemente isso, somente o amor é que é bálsamo de redenção e tem esse poder curativo, agora eu entendi perfeitamente isso!Meu coração agora está esmigalhado, eu tentei não ficar assim, mas agora não deu, não consegui, também não sou toda essa fortaleza, meu sentimento me corroeu um pouco, é porque nunca tinha sentido algo tão grande assim!<!--[if gte mso 9]>     Normal   0         21         false   false   false      PT-BR   X-NONE   X-NONE                                                     MicrosoftInternetExplorer4                                                   <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]>  <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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 <![endif]-->  Chega de se martirizar, sofrer faz parte do processo de recuperar e crescer trazendo de volta a minha alto-estima, que perdi em alguma esquina dessa noite chuvosa e meio fria...Confesso queria que tudo desse certo logo ali, ser feliz e mais nada, esse é o meu sonho e minha esperança que deixo aqui para tentar embalar os meus dias...Então agora vivo, para tentar curar o que feriu por dentro...Mas antes, é fato, eu tenho que tentar superar isso...Superação... essa palavra tem me encontrado muito ultimamente!Entendo isso como um bom sinal de Deus, assim tento perfazer o meu caminho...