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Autor: Puan Alves | Publicado: 2016-02-23T05:32:00-08:00

<!--[if gte mso 9]>
 
  
  
 
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Corresponder-me com você apenas quando me
sinto mal, já virou um hábito. Tenho tentado parar e por isso tem um tempo que
não escrevo para você. Peço que me perdoe (Pelas duas coisas). Olha, estou
triste e solto palavrões do tipo “caralho” para expressar a minha frustração.
Estou sem um puto no bolso e com o coração repleto de remendos prestes a
arrebentar... Que trágico, não? Na tentativa vã de ter algum alivio, já tentei
de tudo: Ouvir música clássica (Das boas, Chopin, acredita?), café quente,
forte e sem açúcar, vídeos de comedias standup, passeios sem rumo em praças e
até na praia fui caminhar... Mas não notei nada disso devolver algum brilho aos
meus olhos.



Decididamente não tenho a menor ideia do que
estou fazendo. Todos os dias é só acordar, rebocar um pouco de vida nas minhas
expressões, trabalhar e retornar para a depressão cotidiana. Onde estão os
milhões de amigos que tinha certeza possuir?! Devo ter perdido e nem fui atrás,
nem me preocupei, nem nada. Acabei ignorando também uns familiares que mais
viam valor no que eu tinha para oferecer do que minha pessoa em si. Mas a vida
segue, não é? Mesmo tropeçando em um monte de pedregulhos que mais parecem
facas afiadas, vou seguindo da melhor maneira que considero possível.



Juro que ninguém me encontra chorando pelos
cantos, culpando a vida ou alguém, dizendo que nada tem sentido. Também nunca
me passou pela cabeça esses lances de suicídios... Acho feio, tão adolescente.
Não combina comigo [Risada alta]. Continuo com o pensamento de ir embora... Mas
para onde? Sem conhecer ninguém? Não sou popular. Desde o ensino fundamental
tem sido assim, passando invisível por quase toda época escolar. Também não sou
rico, nem posses, nadica. Aos 29 anos não tenho carro... Não que isso
signifique alguma coisa, mas tem 10 anos que tenho medo de pegar em um volante
e saiu dizendo para todo mundo que me pergunta, que não tenho carro porque não
tenho dinheiro. É mais fácil explicar: Simples e seco. Atualmente continuo com
medo e agora sem dinheiro [Outra risada alta].

Eu sou uma besta quadrada, sabia? Um besta
para um monte de coisas... Todo mundo se aproveita de mim e nem capacidade para
me aproveitar dos outros eu tenho. Fiz isso uma vez e fiquei uma semana com um
remorso de quem é condenado por algum tipo de assassinato. Sabe o que fiz? Fui
lá falar com a pessoa, meti os pés pelas mãos... Tentei consertar e afundei
mais ainda. Ainda aceito que exijam de mim o que não pode dar em troca. No
final de tudo isso, sabe o que acontece? Termino no meu quarto, sozinho, com
lágrimas nos olhos, pensando em como é doloroso ter razão no final. Me fazem
enxergar que não há glória nenhuma nisso e quase sempre fico de cara no chão.



Tem vezes que sinto uma carência tão grande que tenho vontade de fazer umas merdas românticas. Pois é... Acabo criando situações, idealizando amores românticos com pessoas que acho que tem alguma coisa haver comigo... E depois que elas se apaixonarem? Eu vou dizer o que? "Olha, desculpa...&nbsp; Foi um momento de fraqueza. Na verdade eu só queria encher de vazio o meu vazio interior com você." Tenho certeza que a pessoa se sentiria um lixo, né? Não quero iludir ninguém. Já fizeram isso comigo e foi FODA! Acabei lembrando aquela filha-da-puta... Estou agora mentalmente querendo que ela se foda... Voltando... Não quero dizer que amo sem amar. Já fizeram tanto isso comigo que tomei um porre de vinho que quase entrei em coma alcoólico. Isso foi em 2003... Nossa, ainda me lembro como se fosse hoje.



Venho me sentindo um lixo todos os dias. O que vou fazer? Não faço nada. Fico sorrindo, sendo solidario e vou moendo a cara no chão. Não quero conselhos. Te escrevo porque é minha amiga e gosto muito da sua singularíssima pessoa. Ontem mesmo escutei umas músicas que automaticamente lembravam você. Não tenho conseguido realizar nenhum dos meus sonhos e fico pensando o quão incompetente que sou... Será que tenho jeito? Minha amiga, estou sentindo pena de mim e isso é péssimo. Ninguém precisa saber o buraco que a minha vida tá. Só você, claro. Eu vou fazer alguma coisa. Tem que ser hoje, agora, nesse momento. Mas não sei o que. Acho que um monte de gente iria dizer&nbsp; que isso é falta de Deus no coração... Mas o que Deus tem haver com isso? Certa vez alguém me disse que Deus era uma negra, gorda e de humor questionável. Deve ser a frase de algum livro, só pode. Mas achei engraçado.



Vou ficando por aqui, tá? Essa carta ficou grande e a essa altura do campeonato minha dignidade já foi para o espaço. Espero que esteja bem. Me perdoe pelas frases soltas. Se o texto ficou meio confuso, não tem problema. É só um reflexo da minha mente perdida. Fica bem, minha linda. Eu não te amo. Te amo de vez em quando.


















Puan Alves











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