Overwhelmed
Autor: Iago | Publicado: 2016-01-05T06:40:00-08:00

Everyone has a moment when everything seems so smothering. Do they? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being unreasonable, or weak.
"I used to be such a strong person", I think. I used to work so well under pressure. Handle multiple things at the same time.
I still do most of the time, except... sometimes I don't.

This is the second time it happens. All of a sudden everything seems so urgent, so pushy. And I don't know how to handle.
I want to take care of it all, but I feel so feeble at the face of adversity. I feel like I can only take things one at a time. But sometimes life throws multiple stones at you, and you gotta dance around to avoid them all. But instead I'm standing still, watching as they approach me, oblivious as to how can I move.

I look around and I see people, so swift, so gracious in their dances, twirling and spiraling around, dodging adversity, bending the tides to their favor.
And me... I'm still there, standing still, waist deep in the water looking, motionless, at the stones that float my way. And my only reflex is close my eyes and let them hit me... although I know, deep inside, that can't happen.

It may be a bad metaphor, but it's all I can come up with right now. Deep inside, I'm terrified of failure. I don't want to fail. I've always wanted to thrive. But, for the second time, I feel helpless in front of the things that pile up. Unproductive, unmotivated, scared, overwhelmed. Knees weakening, knot in my throat.

And then I look back. Back at the person I used to be, at the person I am. Strong, self-sufficient, determined... swift and gracious like the others, and ready to dance. And I think "why am I not being like that right now? What's wrong? Why am I standing still?" and it frustrates me so much. But my feet won't budge, my knees are still shaking and, for what it feels like forever, I feel so lost. I get surges of adrenaline, energy, enthusiasm. And then it comes again. The stillness, the silence. What am I supposed to do? How do I get back to how I used to be?

I talk to people, I (most reluctantly, I might add) &nbsp;ask for help, but deep inside I know it is I who have to take a step. Who have to untangle myself from these strings that tie me down. "This is not who I am. This is not how I am. I'm stronger than this". Am I? I used to be. It scares me a little. "This is not what I want to become. I can't be like this". I need to push myself, I need to do something. But everything feels so out of reach sometimes... It's always easier said than done, huh? Even by oneself.

I have people by my side, willing to help, just waiting for any sign to come and help me up, keep me standing, stay for as long as I need them to. And I'm grateful. I've always been. But in the end, it's me who has to take the step. With or without help, it has to come from me. I need to make the effort, get the movement going, break the inertia... Return to my former glory. But they're there. Watching me close, ready to come at the slightest hint of weakness.

And then I write. I write it all down, spill it all out, until it feels better. I write it so it goes away. I write it so my future self can see, if (or rather, when) it happens again, that it gets better. I write it so if other people ever see this, they can know that they're not alone.

And it gets better. Hang in there. I sure am.