O menino do pijama azul
Autor: Giuliano | Publicado: 2016-07-01T21:31:00-03:00

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Uma notificação e muita falta de vontade, respondo
talvez com alguns dias de indiferença a impessoal mensagem – educação diante da
irrelevância. Apenas mais um rosto bonito, entre tantos, nada além de uma estranheza
entre os ícones de notificação do smartphone. Com algum espaço de tempo duas
(quem sabe três?) outras novas notificações do mesmo perfil, e minha mesma
disposição. A porra do alarme não tocou- não o do smartphone e sim o meu - não
me preveni e o perigo se aproximava a passos calmos. Sem perceber eu me perdi.

A culpa, o vacilo, o primeiro olhar, o selo da carta do
suicida, tudo minha responsabilidade: “Desdita hora em que dei like na imagem
sorridente”, ainda lembro a #tag que me fez esbarrar naquele que hoje eximo de
culpa. Mas o desejo me guiou, desejo bobo, desejo mecânico, sem propósito de
ser, desejo, talvez...

Se o poeta afirmou que as cartas de amor são ridículas
é porque não sabe o quanto risíveis e medíocres são as mensagens por rede
social – a tecnologia a serviço do vexame e exagero.

Poderia eu justificar minha queda exaltando o quão belo
é o objeto do meu desejo, o ideal grego com um beicinho perfeito e a voz que me
acalma – sim neste ponto já estamos a conversar por horas via ligação de voz (a
primeira durou exatas 2 horas e 23 minutos) logo eu que odeio falar ao
telefone, mas não vou me ater ao ideal de beleza alcançado, porque por mais
insano que pareça não fazia a menor diferença. Ele é mais do que um pedaço de
carne, por mais que ele sempre se colocasse como tal – pobre menino.

Sexo, discussões ferrenhas, preocupação em excesso,
doses de ciúmes, suspiros, ansiedade, uma nossa música, e até um pedido de
namoro, isso tudo e outras tantas coisas nossas (minhas?) fizeram parte do
turbilhão desse improvável encontro. 

Hoje me cabe a vergonha. Não sei lidar com minhas
imperfeições e não aceito ter me comportado como um completo idiota que se
apegou a uma fantasia construída deliberadamente com o objetivo de nunca de verdade ser ou
talvez (quem sabe?) de entreter – nem isso fui capaz.

Sigo a timeline, que é vida também, com algumas
escoriações, ainda mais descrente nas possibilidades, e mais fervoroso e fiel
ao medo – não me abandone e me faça ouvir o alarme.

E o menino de pijama azul ainda está aqui, não consegui
soltar sua mão e o deixar ganhar o mundo e só assim perder o medo de ser feliz
e fazer, de verdade, os outros felizes. O menino ficou e o homem partiu para mais uma fantasia; que ele reencontre com o menino e seja quem sabe inteiro.