WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 13 - What lies behind it all?
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-04-15T10:24:00-03:00


Driving there was tense. I was trying to gather all the right words to be able to transmit what I really meant. There was so much I wanted and needed to say to him, but I couldn’t get to the point of putting my heart out. I had to be careful with what I was going to say (and with how I was going to say it).

I was willing to do what was necessary. I was willing to accept Edward’s feelings for my sister, to give him my endorsement and to deal with their relationship once it got to that. I was also willing to beg him, if needed, to forgive my terrible behaviour in the last couple of months, in special the last weekend.

I was willing to do everything in my power to convince him that he didn't have to move away from me. I was willing to show him that I still was the first person he could count on, that I was still his best friend, that he could still trust me, and that I had not transformed into the mindless selfish jerk I had seemed to be lately. I was still the boy he grew up with and knew damn well.

I was also prepared to face the struggle that I was about to compromise with. I knew how difficult it would be to keep my feelings for him in secret, to pretend they didn’t exist, to restrain them so he wouldn’t know. But I was doing that, for sure. I was going to put all my strength and effort in learning how to behave as normally as possible around him, as if the love I felt for him was much simpler than it really was.

Yeah, I was doing that. That was the only way to keep what I had, that was all I could ever get from him. His friendship, his presence in my life. I was going to stick to that so I could go on. I had a terrible sensation that my feelings for Edward would never change, but I was young, I &nbsp;had much to live yet, I didn’t know what the future held for me, things could take a different turn, I just had to be patient and settle with what was possible for me to have by then.

I heaved a sigh and trapped my lower lip between my teeth. As I approached my neighborhood I got more and more nervous. 

I thought I had a little more time to get ready for that. But of course getting at Edward’s house would be fast. Getting into the house and talking to him was what would never be so simple. Not after what I'd done.

I parked my car outside, something really unusual, but given the situation, it was better to be careful. I knew pretty well we were not in good terms, so I wasn't sure I was allowed in the house.

Instead of entering straight through the gate, I took a deep breath and rang the bell. Then I waited. 

My heart was racing, and I was kinda fidgeting. I knew that soon I would be trembling slightly, but I hung in there.


I didn't wait long. Mrs. C took only two minutes to come to the front of the house with a curious look.

“Jay?!” She exclaimed clearly surprised as she recognized me standing outside the wooden gate. “What are you doing?” She had a beautiful smile on her face. “Did something happened?”

I smiled shyly and shrugged. She didn't seem to know what was happening, which was probably why she was treating me as usually.

Esme was a very kind person, one of the most kind I've ever met. It was from her that Edward had inherited his subtlety and amiability. And I loved her almost as much as I loved my momma. I was kinda afraid she was gonna get angry at me once she knew what I'd done.

“Uh, I need to talk to Edward…?” The sentence sounded like a question as I tried, unsuccessfully, to hide my uncertainty and embarrassment.

Esme opened the gate, and looked at me somewhat amused.

“Then why aren’t you already in his room with him?” She questioned obviously confused. “Since when do you need to ring the bell and wait for someone to allow your entrance?”

I smiled apologetically to her as I passed by her with my head hanging low. “It’s… Complicated.” I mumbled. “We’re kind of… On the outs… So...” I shrugged.

“Oh.” She seemed to suddenly remember something. “Yes. Carl told me about that.” She wasn’t surprised at all, even though Edward and I never used to fight, or even argue, for that matter. We had only had one quarrel our whole life, that whole “Alice shit”, and our non-speaking terms lasted no more than two weeks, and it all had happened almost two years ago. 

I nodded and followed her inside, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“I’m sure it’s nothing.” She affirmed undisturbed. “Just like that other time. You two are teenagers, it's normal to get into an argument sometimes, I think it's actually very healthy to have some differences now and then. A good conflict nourishes character and strengthens your personalities and your relationship.” She was speaking in her special placid tone, a tone that Edward used to call her “psychologist mode”. 

But I didn't mind she was using her professional skills to calm me, if that was what she was doing. I actually liked whenever she talked to me that way.

Mrs. C stopped and turned to me before the end of the hall to the living room. She held my shoulders with her small hands and looked at me with her light blue eyes. They reminded me of Edward's eyes when he was happy...

“Don't worry too much and don't get all strange. It's part of the process of growing up, you'll still fight along your lives. But you boys are like brothers.” I cringed. “Nothing will ever be grave enough to really separate you two.”

With that I had to force the most fake smile I had ever feigned. The ache in my chest, arisen by the harsh reality, made me need to take a deep breath. 

That was the way I was seen by them, and obviously by Edward too. I was family.

I didn't mind, at all, that Mr. And Mrs. C saw me as a son. I actually felt very happy with that. But knowing that Edward saw me as a little brother hurt like hell.

We resumed walking and soon we were in the living room. We stopped before the stairs just as Mr. C was coming from the kitchen. I felt immediately tense again, waiting for a frown or disapproving look from him. 

Why is everyone at home today? I thought to myself as I feared Carlisle's bad reaction to my presence.

But it never came.

“Hey, Jay.” He greeted me with what seemed withheld contentment. “You’re fine?”

I only had the decency to nod. I couldn’t do much else. I was still waiting for his disapproval on my latest actions.

“Edward is outside.” He informed with a faint smile, pointing to the pool area with a tilt of his head. “I assume you’re here to fix things?” Surprisingly, he seemed almost joyful with this perspective. 

“Yeah.” I sounded decided, my voice steady. “I’m here to apologize.”

His smile got broader as he looked at me approvingly. I looked at Esme, who seemed unaffected and tranquil as always, then again to Carlisle.

“Is he OK, you think it's a good moment?” I asked carefully. “I don't want to bother him, I just want to explain why I…”

I never finished my sentence since Mr. C came to me and held my shoulders firmly, much as Mrs. C had just done in the hall, effectively interrupting me.

“Go to him.” His deep blue eyes were fierce in mine, and I had the odd impression he was trying to communicate something to me. “He can really use his best friend today.” He encouraged.

I nodded and didn’t waste any more time. 

With determined steps I walked out of the house through the lateral door that would lead me to the porch. I saw him at our old spot, under the Oak tree at his mother’s garden. He was sitting on the swing, swaying lazily with his eyes closed. 

I was immediately affected by the simple sight of him.

I stopped and sighed, just taking a minute to reign over my feelings and to contemplate Edward. 

How could I have spent so many years without noticing the sheer beauty of him? How could I have spent so much time by his side without noticing how my heart stumbled through the beats, anxious to fly off my chest and run to him? Or was it all really that recent…?

It couldn’t be… Not given the intensity of this sentiment. I had been blind, I had been oblivious, by no means the love I felt for him had just emerged out of nothing…

I swallowed hard, looking down for a moment to control the vehemence of the emotion. It made me breathless. Once I calmed down a little, a minute later, I resumed my contemplation.

At first he seemed distracted, deep lost in thought, but it wasn't long before he noticed my presence, without even opening his eyes, I may add. I could identify the exact moment it happened.

As I fixed my gaze a little more intensely on his perfect face, trying to gauge his mood, he braked his slow moves by dragging his feet over the grass, his body getting rigid. He visibly took a deep breath while I suddenly remembered him saying something to me that, at the time it happened, it hadn't made much sense.

Whenever you're looking at me. 

I can always tell. &nbsp;

And so it finally dawned on me what he’d meant. &nbsp;&nbsp;

I mused how I had never realized till that moment that we were this deeply connected. We were so linked, so tuned that we could feel one another before even seeing each other. I thought this was something that happened only to me but… Apparently it happened to him too.

I wanted so desperately that it meant something more than just how strong our complicity was… But I knew that was it. That was all.

Edward opened his eyes but didn’t look at me. He just waited.

I understood that was my cue, so I inhaled deeply and exhaled as slowly as I could, trying to calm down. Then I walked to him, in silence, paying attention to his every minimum move, until I was close enough. I stopped and crouched down right beside him.

He finally looked my way. Our eyes were almost in the same level and as they met, into his I could read the hesitation, the fear, the hurt. 

I was such a horrible person… I had caused that. He didn't deserve it… I sighed.

“Hi…” I kind of mumbled nervously.

He exhaled heavily before answering in the same tone. “Hey…”

“Can I talk to you?” My voice broke ridiculously mid sentence.

He heaved a trembled breath and clearly clenched his teeth.

“I don't want to bother you.” I assured him in a weak whisper. “I can go if you…”

“It's OK.” He interrupted me hurriedly. “You can stay and we can talk.”

We stared at each other's eyes a little, until he looked away seeming uncomfortable.

My eyes fell to his left arm, resting in the black nylon arm sling, and followed the length until his hand. It pained me to realize that he was being deprived of the two things he needed to do the most when he was not OK. He couldn’t play his piano, and he couldn’t write, having his main-hand enclosed in that fucking cast.

What the fuck had gotten into him? I really wanted to understand, I was still puzzled about the reasons for him to do that to himself, to harm his hand like that. And that was a good enough place to start our conversation.

“E…” He looked hesitantly at me. “Why the cast?” I asked with a light tone, looking pointedly at his left hand. I knew all about it, but I kind of needed him to explain that to me. Besides, I couldn’t expose Emmet.

He lowered his gaze to his arm sling, probably mulling what to tell me. Then he looked back at me, clearly containing some emotion I couldn’t identify.

“Two broken fingers and a sprained wrist.” He explained concisely.

With some apprehension I understood he wouldn’t make it any easier for me. And why would he? I didn’t deserve his indulgence. It was clear I would have to dig all the information out of him.

“It was fine last time I saw you…” I cautiously commented, hoping he would take the hint.

He did. “I hurt it afterwards.”

I knew that mentioning the last moment we saw each other would be hurtful. Not for me, I wasn’t worried about myself, I was constantly hurting already. I was worried about him that was obviously more wounded than I had anticipated. But since he wasn’t telling me what I really needed to know, I was bound to push… “After the fight, or after I came here later…?”

Edward bit his lower lip, and so I knew he was affected by the memory, or maybe by my question that he didn’t seem inclined to answer. Just as I predicted. “I’d already hurt it when you were here to retrieve your bike.” He seemed reluctant.

“I didn’t notice…” I said with clear remorse, feeling even more guilty if that was even possible.

“It wasn’t in the cast, yet. My father took care of it the next morning.” He clarified in hurried words. “Besides, you’re pretty inattentive.”

His gaze had this defiant glint when he said that, but I didn’t comprehend. Besides, I was dealing with my shame while I was assuming that what he’d said was true.

“How it happened?” I pushed further.

He huffed as his eyes diverted from my face, and my stomach fluttered with anguish. He was definitely not willing to talk about it. I was afraid of pushing him too hard, but I desperately needed to have the whole picture to be able to understand his attitude.

“I kind of…” He hesitated, and I thought he would omit the truth with some lame excuse, but then his gaze became firm. “...Punched a wall. Repeatedly.” He completed.

I heaved a sigh.

“And why would you do that?” I finally asked, carefully, what I really wanted to know, afraid of making him evade.

But that wasn’t Edward. He would never run away from anything. He’d never done that.

“I was angry at myself... For what happened. I let all that happen. It's fucked up but… I wanted… I just needed to punish myself for my stupidity.” He answered simply, shrugging and shaking his head.

Damn fucking shit. I'd had a strong suspicion about that but… Fuck! Being certain that he had hurt himself because of our fight… 

It was even worse than I had thought, actually, because he was thinking that our fight, our stupid fight, was his fault. 

How come? I was the one who overreacted over nothing, that couldn’t control the own impulses and took the jealousy out on him. He hadn’t done anything.

“None of that was your fault.” I asserted, my voice a little thicker than usual because of the regret I felt for putting him through that. 

“It pretty much depends on how you look at it.” He cut me off before I could say anything else. “If I hadn’t be so stupid…” He started to say, laughing humorlessly while shaking his head.

I wasn’t having it. It was not his fault that I got hurt by finding out he liked my sister. It wasn’t his fault that I couldn’t take it like a man. It wasn’t his fault that I completely lost it. 

In a spontaneous prompt move I held his face in my hands, stopping his movement and forcing him to look at me.

“Hey, no!” I exclaimed, momentarily ignoring how huge his eyes became, how surprised he suddenly seemed to be and how close our faces were. “You’re not the one to blame. That's all my fault, and I’m not letting you blame yourself for something I did.”

“Jay…” He tried, still shaking his head.

“No, Edward.” I cut him off a little harshly, holding his face firmly, pretending I wasn’t yearning to shorten the small distance between our heads. “You didn’t do anything. But I did. So, please…” I sighed, and finally let go of his perfect face, getting a little distant so I could think clearer. “Don’t blame yourself. Blame me.” He was looking incisively at me, so I knew I had his full attention. “Blame me, and let me apologize.” I asked.

We exhaled heavily at the same time, trying to lighten the tension that was almost smashing us, obviously. I looked deep into his eyes, wanting so much to figure out why he kept trying to protect me even when I was unfair to him.

“I’m sorry.” I stated, containing the shame I felt so intensely. “I’m truly, so fucking sorry… For everything. Not only for the way I acted, but also for the harsh words, for the unfair accusations… For treating you so badly. And not only last Sunday, I mean this last few months. You didn’t deserve any of that and I want… I need you to forgive me.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Jay… That’s the thing. I could see where you were coming from. And I gave you all the reasons to believe I was being unloyal to you.” He rushed through the words, noticing I was ready to refute everything he was saying. “But I…”

“Please, don’t do this.” I begged, interrupting him. “Stop it. It makes me feel even worse.”

“What am I doing?” He asked urgently, his expression one of confusion.

“What you always do?” I kind of asked. “Putting yourself out for me. You’re trying to spare me for the millionth time. You're trying to protect me from myself. I don’t deserve your protection. You should be angry at me.” He opened his mouth, certainly to protest, but I didn’t let him. “No, Edward, stop!” I raised a hand between us. “I’m not the defenceless little boy you used to shield from everything and everyone anymore. Can’t you see it? I’m not your little brother.”

He sighed heavily, closed his eyes and turned his face away from mine. I waited. I needed to let him assimilate what I had said, so I could apologize properly and try to fix that mess.

“I’m a man now.” I resumed cautiously once he opened his eyes again. “I can defend myself, and I can also take responsibility for whatever I do.” I sighed and lowered my head. “That’s what I’m trying to do here.”

I looked at him as I finished saying what I had to say, and we remained silent for a brief while.

When he finally looked at me again, something in his stance was different. I couldn’t identify exactly what. It was as if he was containing something, but I failed to grasp it.

“What do you want from me, Jasper?” He asked in a serious tone, his expression guarded, cautious. “What do you really want from me?”

You. Your love. Your heart, your mind… Your body and your soul. I contemplated my true desires.

“Your friendship.” I stuck with what was possible. “Right now, your forgiveness.”

He stared at me for a long while. I didn’t back down, even though I wanted to. His gaze on me was grave, heavy, full of something I couldn’t comprehend and that was making me very uncomfortable because of its intensity. But I didn’t want him to doubt my attitude, so I kept my eyes on his.

“So, can you, please, forgive me?” I kinda whispered, afraid of his final word.

“If the words will ease your mind, then… You’re forgiven.” He conceded in a detached tone.

I heaved a sigh and smiled slightly. I wasn’t feeling the relief I had expected to feel, but I was content we were no longer on strained terms.

“Thank you.” I could notice how lighter my voice was.

“You’re welcome… I guess.” He was still strange, distant, I could still see the hurt in the deep gray that his eyes had assumed since the beginning of our conversation.

I sat in front of him, on the ground, and we were silent for a while more, still staring at each other’s faces, maybe trying to assimilate what had just taken place between us. 

Although I couldn’t pinpoint it, I could see there was something in his gaze, something more than the despondence that was obvious in his expression. There was a dark glint, a shadow, something obscure… I couldn’t precise what it was... But it was terrifying me. 

In an unconscious reaction, I squinted slightly. Edward diverted his eyes from mine and exhaled.

I was immediately afraid he would ask me to go and leave him alone, so I said the first thing that came to my mind, just so I could buy some more time with him and make sure we were really OK.

“Remember we used to lay here, on the grass, whole afternoons…?” I incited the memories within him, but he was still looking away, seeming completely not interested. “We used to speak nonsenses and laugh at nothing the whole time…”

“Those were great moments…” He commented pensively. “Innocence is a bliss.” 

“Isn’t it said ‘Ignorance is a bliss’?” I questioned, just to keep him talking.

He gazed softly at me, nodding his head slowly. “The saying, Yeah.” He paused briefly. “But what I mean is actually innocence.”

I didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. I was rapidly lost in the intensity of his stare on me.

“I never lied to you.” He affirmed calmly, all of a sudden. “I may have omitted some things along our relationship, but only to try to protect you.” He huffed a laugh after that, realizing that what I had mentioned before was actually true.

I smiled slightly despite the anxiety that grew inside me.

“Why are you saying this?” 

“So you’ll be sure what I’ll tell you is the truth.” He explained and the heaved a sigh. He closed his eyes for a second and then looked at me. “I didn’t kiss Rosalie.” He said sternly. “Nothing happened between us.”

I bowed my head and concentrated my gaze on the grass between my folded legs. Remembering that moment, replay seeing them together in my head was hurtful, to say the least, and the anger threatened to arise.

“You don’t believe me.” He affirmed in a clear sad statement.

I looked at him hesitantly, wanting to hear before assuming anything.

“I want to… But… I saw…” My voice broke ridiculously. “I saw the two of you. Nobody told me…”

“What you saw was your sister coming onto me. Not the other way around.” He assured me. “If you had remained there, you would have seen that, mere seconds later I pushed her off of me and told her that that wasn’t happening.”

I could see in his face, in his eyes, he was telling me the truth. But I didn’t understand, though. If he was into her, why would he prevent something to happen between them? I was confused. And then I needed to know.

“Why?” The question came out as a whisper, I couldn’t precise the reason.

He took a deep breath and exhaled forcefully.

“Because of you.” He answered simply.

Always trying to protect me… I could understand now.

I bowed my head, unable to do that while looking into his eyes. He would see the truth in them and that was something that I needed to avoid.

“You don’t need to withhold your will because of me.” I rushed through the words before he could identify the pain saturating my voice. “I know I acted like a crazy jealous brother, but…” I had to swallow the lump in my throat. I had to be able to speak calmly and steadily if I wanted to put his mind at ease about my acceptance of his interest in my sister, before I could concede him my endorsement. “I trust you. You’re my best friend and I know you… I’ve known you all my life. We’re like… We’re… Family. I know you’ll be good for her.”

Since my eyes were long fixed on the grass, I couldn’t see his face when he huffed impatiently. I looked at him again, puzzled. He was looking forward, his jaw set in a hard angle, his eyes blazing. 

I couldn’t understand, he seemed mad. I’d just given him what he wanted. Why was he annoyed?

“What?” I asked confused.

“Nothing.” He replied kind of coldly.

“I meant what I said.” I reassured him.

He looked at me almost angrily, and that confused me further. “I know.”

“So, you’ll…” I tried to ask about his next move, but I never got to finish my question.

“I’m kind of tired.” He cut me off. “ My hand hurts and I need to eat something, so… I guess I’m getting in.”

“Do you want me to… Stay?” I sounded needy, but I didn’t care.

“I want to be on my own.” I’m pretty sure my face fell, and it was clear enough for him to notice, because he kind of rushed to explain, his face softening just a little. “It’s all... Too much too soon, I need some time to… Process all this.” 

“OK.” I accepted. He gave me much more than I thought I would get, and even more than I deserved.

He almost lost his balance as he tried to get off the swing with only one free arm, so I hurried to get up and help him. But when I was about to touch him he dodged my hands raising back his right arm.

“I got it.” He said as he got straightened up.

I felt a pang in my heart, but then I remembered that, exactly a week before I had done the same thing, and without a proper reason. He had plenty.

Edward started to walk without uttering another word, and I simply stood there, witnessing our link braking… By all means my fault.

“See you, Jay.” He said before he passed through the glass doors, not even looking in my direction.

“See you, E.” I murmured, long before he’d disappeared into the house, for no one.



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