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Autor: Camila Caldeira | Publicado: 2014-10-20T19:04:00-02:00

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Eu não sei o que espero do
mundo, mas tenho grandes aflições em pensar no que ele espera de mim. Ser bonita,
ter um namorado, me sair bem na faculdade, me sobressair no trabalho, ser
honrada filha, neta, sobrinha e prima, não soltar pum, ter um dieta
equilibrada, fazer exercícios regularmente, ser simpática, sexy sem ser vulgar,
ter um projeto de vida e – o que mais me causa mal estar – ser feliz.&nbsp;



Não estou pronta para nada
disso.&nbsp;



Eu só penteio meu cabelo quando
o lavo, e isso é só de três em três dias. Estou transitando para solteirice e
abraçando esse “status” com muito alívio, se for para namorar que seja com um cara
e uma mina ao mesmo tempo. Heteronormatividade e monogamia sucks! Eu odeio com
todas as minhas forças estar numa universidade católica embora não exista forma
de obter mais certeza que eu estou no curso correto e isso acarreta em: eu sequer
tenho um emprego de verdade, a realidade é que fico passeando pra lá e pra cá
com a minha tia. Em falar em família, cago e ando para o valor moral da família
e do sobrenome, mas nada contra a galera que partilha de alguns dos genes
comigo, inclusive muito agradecida, viu gente? Sobre soltar pum: não é
regularmente mas eu faço isso onde quer que eu esteja, apenas baixinho para
ninguém ouvir. Uma vez minha prima disse que japoneses, reis e rainhas da
saúde, nunca deixam de soltar pum ou arrotar não importa onde estejam porque o
organismo tem que se seguir seu fluxo ou coisa parecida. Eu aderi esta causa. Eu
também larguei a carne e, oh my fuck, “você vai ter anemia,&nbsp; menina!”. Tudo bem, gente, não será uma
grande perda. Até porque eu lembro que não tenho um plano de vida mesmo, sequer
um esboço. Sim, estou cursando Psicologia, vou fazer mestrado, doutorado e
comprar uma casa, e juro que é como se fossem etapas tão naturais quanto as
pessoas esperam de nascer, crescer, reproduzir, envelhecer, morrer, que não são
imutáveis também, exceto o Psicologia e comprar uma casa, e nascer e morrer que
são inevitáveis. Há alguns anos atrás, quando me imaginava mais velha, eu
esperava ser celebridade, bem sucedida e magra aos 18 anos, e hoje ainda fico
pensando “que merda, hein...” e cheguei a conclusão que a vida é assim mesmo, infelizmente.
Não muda, não muda... entretanto, está sempre mudando. Paradoxal, constante
inconstante e que parece que, sem querer, eu acompanho isso.&nbsp;



Eu já disse para tantas pessoas
por tantas vezes o quanto eu estou tão cansada que me embrulha o estômago
imaginar que eu possa ser levada a sério, que é o que tanto desejo, carregando
essas ideias, me portando e me apresentando dessa forma desajeitada que sou sou
por aí.&nbsp;



Talvez daqui uns anos eu lamente
o conformismo, mas é melhor que muitos medos que eu estou cansada de carregar.&nbsp;



Isso é o mais próximo que eu
consigo chegar de apertar o botãzinho do foda-se.