Só(lidam)
Autor: Jean Carlo | Publicado: 2014-12-25T22:46:00-02:00

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&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Talvez
você não lembre a primeira vez que ficou só, mas assim como qualquer sensação,
a dor ou o vazio da solidão volta tão forte quanto da primeira vez. Um dos meus
primeiros encontros com a solidão foi na minha infância, no meu primeiro dia de
aula. Eu costumo dizer que passei pelos portões do colégio segurando a mão de
minha mãe e, ao entrar na sala de aula e vê-la partindo, já fui suspenso nos
braços da Solidão.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Talvez seja o primeiro – mas não
menos doloroso – registro de encontros com essa amiga de momentos. Amiga sim,
pois é em sua presença que escrevo, que obtenho fluxos de criatividade que
barram e expurgam a monotonia. De momentos também, pois em sua ausência,
sinto-me livre para fazer o que não faria junto dela; longe, posso sorrir,
agendar um tempo para amigos e até ter um tempo somente meu, lá no ônibus, onde
a janela reflete um sorriso de alguém que passou o dia bem. Mas quando ela
retorno – e que retorna em fúria –, sinto-me frágil, quebradiço, mas não
consigo evitar: recorro a uma falsa sensação de felicidade, visto-me de graça e
piadas improvisadas. Talvez seja esse meu erro. Erro este que sempre volto a
cometer: uso justamente do meu ponto franco como arma; atiro risadas prontas,
brincadeiras sem nexo e as obtenho como resposta... Mas por estar fraco e
entediado, elas voltam 10 vezes mais forte. Recebo toda a dose, sem pena, e
acabo por me afogar na própria estrofe que é essa quase morte.

&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Chego no quarto, já descarregado e
descalço, tiro aquela roupa suja, como se ao jogá-la no cesto próximo à porta,
toda a impureza e fraqueza do dia a acompanhasse. Eu sento em uma cadeira e
repasso todos os momentos de um dia que “poderia ser”; imagino os pontos
assertivos e automaticamente excluo as minhas pisadas de bola. Pronto, já usei
minha dose de mentiras para enganar a mim mesmo... As mãos então tremem – abuso
dessa droga. Ligo a tela mágica na esperança que a ilusão multifuncional de uma
rede mundial possa ter algum efeito religioso-instantâneo; movimento o mouse em
uma espécie de símbolo do infinito, porém tudo apaga. Levanto, evitando até
então aquele momento por mim nunca aguardado. Depois me deito, do lado esquerdo
da cama, pois o direito, vocês já sabem, pertence a Solidão.