O vazio de ser
Autor: Thiago Leite | Publicado: 2012-11-01T05:37:00-07:00


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Mão há como negar. Alguma coisa
tem mudado e não posso mais ignorar. O que procuro força-me a escalar uma série
de andaimes interiores, e você sabe quão incômodo é ter andaimes interiores? É
o mínimo que desejo. Minha voz e pensamentos revelam-se de forma estridente,
não posso mais suportar essa angústia. 

Passo por uma via e me deparo com
o absurdo do mundo. Olho em direção ao cemitério da cidade e vejo uma coleção
de pequenos castelos de concreto, o pó do mundo ali reside tranquilamente em
meio aos desastres cotidianos que se vão seguindo dia após dia. Quem saberá de
onde vem esse desejo intenso de pular de uma ponte, de pular para dentro de si.
É o infinito, não cabe. O desejo é o infinito, eu sinto. Até o medo da morte se
evapora, e torna-se uma longínqua idéia de pavor. Não tenho medo de morrer.
Nesses dias não tive se quer pena de mim mesmo, quis me atirar dentro do forno
com o gás ligado, deitei a cabeça sobre a estreita grelha e permaneci por
alguns segundos. O cheiro do gás foi renovador. Até certo ponto, asfixiou todos
os pensamentos mórbidos que me ocupavam espaços desnecessários na mente, mas
que logo deram espaço a outros mais aterradores ainda, houve uma mutação.

O cheiro do mundo.&nbsp; Enquanto não me livrar desse último
desconforto, continuarão a lançar-me chorume na cara. Os dias se escorrem
lentamente aguardando com que eu tome a decisão. Tomar essa decisão é suportar
a humilhação a qual todos, um dia, iremos passar. Subo as escadas que dão
sentido a minha casa, e subo pensando que estou em direção ao inferno. Subo numa
cadeira onde, do alto teto, há uma corda adequada ao formato do meu pescoço,
pronta para o pulo final. O pulo é esse. O pulo para o infinito. Pular da
cadeira, talvez, seria a síntese desse desejo do infinito que me percorre.
Entro no quarto e vejo estatuetas de pensamentos passados. Percorro,
cuidadosamente, cada idéia não manifestada, cada frase engolida, cada palavra
mastigada, cada pensamento aprisionado. Muita coisa se passa perante essa
aldeia de pensamentos petrificados. Erguem-se estátuas de antigos líderes e ídolos,
admirados em algum momento da vida. Imponentes, destemidos, seus olhos sem
retina, suas mãos sem unhas, seus pés atracados ao chão, imobilizados pelo
tempo, lanço em direção a estes um martelo, e quebro-lhes cada canto, cada
membro. A destruição. 

Tenho angustiado a velha criança.
Mas, penso, a velha criança está desaparecida, como as milhares que se perdem
de seus pais todos os dias. A minha velha criança se perdeu em meio ao tumulto
do mundo. Está decepcionada, ou decapitada em algum canto, em algum país
distante, servindo de alimento para alguém. Minha ansiedade é o começo do meu
fim. E o meu fim é o começo do meu começo, é aqui que começo a viver, a partir
do meu fim. Vivo momentos intensos, e sei que estou no fim. Toda a vida se
passou e eu não passei, permaneci sempre enclausurado dentro do meu quarto,
observando a auto-estrada, o velho martírio de ser alguém preenchido por uma
monotonia de pensamentos vazios. No passado, o bairro em que moro foi um centro
de prostituição. Quem sabe o terreno onde se encontra minha casa já não deu
espaço para uma grande casa de cortesãs? As putas já gozaram por aqui. A
libertinagem já foi palavra de ordem por essas bandas. Agora restam,
resignadas, as velhas mortas na beira da calçada, com seus assuntos cotidianos
e tediosos. Todos aqui julgam viver com intensidade, mas poucos sabem o que é
percorrer seus próprios alpendres. 

Encontro algo para revelar essa
angustia. A certeza que estou enlouquecendo ou ficando cada vez mais lúcido. A
lucidez é um preço que se paga quando enlouquecemos. Os loucos são lúcidos que
se abstêm de não reproduzir o reproduzível. A lucidez é amarga e nem todos
poderiam suportar seu peso, só os loucos são capazes de viver sob o domínio de
idéias contraditórias. Meu passado está em meus bolsos, e me pesa como pedras.
Aproveito o peso, aproveito as marteladas em direção ao chão, em direção ao
pulo, e perco absolutamente o medo de mergulhar nas asas lamacentas desse rio.