Cigarro
Autor: Amanda // Dica. | Publicado: 2012-11-09T10:38:00-02:00

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Antes de
tudo, queria agradecer ao tempo nublado e à chuva por me trazerem de volta a
vontade de escrever.&nbsp;



Eu estava
tentando parar de fumar, mas percebi que não consigo. É feio falar, dizem que
não pode, o certo é repetir: “eu vou conseguir, vai ser bom pra mim, blá blá blá”.
Mas a minha necessidade de ocupar minha boca com algo que não seja palavras é
mais visceral que meu senso de autopreservação. Aliás, ocupar minha boca me
preserva mais do que salvar meus pulmões. O cigarro difícil de deixar não é o
que rega as conversas, é o que substitui o silêncio, o que faz companhia, o que
alimenta o hábito da fuga e do alívio, não o que alimenta o vício. O foda não é
a nicotina, o alcatrão, o difícil de deixar é a fumaça, o trago e toda a
estética que concretiza sua poluição interna. &nbsp;Cada bater de cinza representa algo que eu
deveria conseguir deixar ir e não consigo, e cada trago algo que eu deveria
trazer pra perto.



Sinto
muito, dentes, garganta, pulmões, mas minha necessidade maior é a de me manter
sã, mesmo destruindo vocês pra isso. Mas, paciência, não é assim que
praticamente tudo na vida funciona? Não dá pra salvar tudo e algumas pessoas
optam por sacrificar o que faz bem a elas de maneira mais óbvia. Eu sou uma
dessas pessoas, mesmo não me orgulhando disso. Não classifico como autodestruição,
talvez seja apenas o retrato de que cada um tem seu jeito torto de sobreviver, inclusive acelerando o processo de morrer.