Turns
Autor: Anna Bunny | Publicado: 2013-10-28T18:24:00-02:00

  I&#39;m gonna write this in english because I feel like doing so.Today is a strange day. I kinda felt I was going to be laid off - I feel that often, but today was worse. The thing is, I don&#39;t wanna work here anymore, and I know this for awhile, and I didn&#39;t know why this made me sad.    I&#39;ve been thinking a lot of the implications of this lack of satisfaction that haunts me for years now. If I am to be honest, I feel like leaving this place since day one here, but I couldn&#39;t, obviously, since I support my mom and I, and obviously I need my income.    But that got me thinking: if I am SO unhappy, why can&#39;t I change?First problem was obvious: I knew what I didn&#39;t want, but didn&#39;t know what I, in fact, do want. Well, now I know - from the looks of this blog lately, you get what I actually want. I wanna wake up everyday and write and read and live off of that. That is established, ok.    But obviously, is not that simple.To make it in these world, doesn&#39;t matter if you&#39;re talented, or even persistent. Only two things matter:If you&#39;re pretty and/or well-offWho do you know who can give you a push    I have none of these things.Now, this work situation have just kicked the ball into the game, but the game is bigger than that. (I felt really american saying that). There&#39;s much more to the story.    One thing is, some days ago I read a book on sexual assault. If in one hand it was really deep, because it said things I couldn&#39;t say to myself, and that was kind of good (knowing that i&#39;m not alone). But at the same time it was horrible because it brought back things I wanted to forget and that little voice in the back of my head that tells me to hate myself kept screaming &quot;stop being such a f*cktard, it was not fucking rape for motherfucking jesus sake, you were just stupid enough to let yourself get taken advantage of&quot;. I hate this voice and would argue if it said the same thing about anyone else. I would claim &quot;Rape is rape! Nothing justify this!&quot;    But since it&#39;s me, I just cry &quot;of course, it was my fault, I stupid and deserve to die and suffer.&quot;This really really bothers me and I really wish we didn&#39;t live in a rape culture where survivors of rape are made fun of all the time because, seriously, I&#39;m done with being told to &quot;lighten up&quot;. I&#39;m gonna punch these people one of these days and scream &quot;who&#39;s laughing now???&quot;  Anyway, this is getting to me today.Another thing getting to me today: eating disorders.Well, you might say &quot;this is confusing, isn&#39;t this what this blog is about?&quot; But, yeah, you know, it wasn&#39;t for a long while.  Here&#39;s the thing, and pay attention cause I&#39;m gonna say this only once: I gained 20kg over the past three or four years. And to be honest, for quite some time, I didn&#39;t care. I like to eat, godammit! What is wrong with that?  But here&#39;s the catch: fucking society, man. Fucking society telling me, by the mouths of people I love, that being fat is disgusting and that I&#39;m a lazy loser for not spending every waking moment trying to lose some weight.  I feel crappy about this stuff most of the time, but never like today. Today I really want to lay on the floor and cry for hours and starve myself until I&#39;m like fifty kg thinner, and then I get really hungry and I wanna slap myself in the face and hit my head in the wall until hunger goes away, because the voice - the voice again - keeps saying &quot;You stupid fat cunt! Why are you hungry? Feed on your godamned storage of fat that is in your belly and hips. Stupid whale.&quot;  I&#39;m not making this up: this is exactly what the voice tells me. It&#39;s what I tell myself when I look in the mirror.I&#39;m a feminist and this feelings go against everything I believe. But I just can shake it. I feel like I&#39;m on a podium screaming &quot;Equality and liberation for all!&quot; while whispering &quot;Except for me. I&#39;m bad, ugly, stupid and undeserving.&quot;  And for being a feminist, I also know what fuels this: self-destruction. I don&#39;t wanna be skinny because it&#39;s pretty. Society tells us skinny is pretty, but this is because they want us to be decorative lamp-girls, that can&#39;t speak or put up a fight or do anything other than standing here like a coat hanger, almost invisible, silent, with our mouths closed, fading away, weakened. I feel like that already with all this depression and disorders, but looking in the mirror tells me I&#39;m wrong - I&#39;m big and ugly and boring and broad and take a lot of space and I gotta get smaller. I gotta disappear.  Sorry if it was too long of a post, but... well, here&#39;s the thing. I don&#39;t care anymore, about pretty much anything else.I&#39;ll try to get hunger suppressors. I&#39;ll exercise and skip meals. I&#39;ll try to get thin again the only way that ever worked for me - the destructive way.