The power of the past
Autor: cheshire cat | Publicado: 2012-09-09T01:19:00-03:00

I must start with the nice feelings, I assured myself I would do that.
Today is Saturday night and I am in my third resting day, since we had a holiday on Thursday. The same Thursday night I went to this old friend aniversary, she was celebrating it in a bar on a city next to my parent's, so I went and there I met her and two other friends from the College also (the four of us studied together).
We realized how nice it was to have all of us together after 10 years we first met (I got into College ten years ago, who would say?). And when they started talking I realized that I was the only one that didn't see them for a while. They all saw each other frequently, but they didn't invite me to go out anymore because I always refused.

Now that I have no more boyfriend, I will put my friends by my side again. It's not fair to me to feel so lonely when they are there for me, and they are, they showed it to me today since they came here to my parent's city just to see Brazil x Argentina football game with me, and talk, and make gossips, and listen to bullshit, and all. They are very good friends I do not intent to be far from ever again.

And than having all this conversations over our 10-years-celebrations, well, my best friend Lucy-In-The-Sky sent me a confirmation that she is going abroad for an Au Pair programm. I was SO happy for her, maybe that's what she needs, to grow up, to give some time away from her despair of what to do next, and specially from her own head charging against herself. She has personal issues with her self-charges. This will be good for her, and she'll realize a dream at the same time (no, not take care of children, but to go abroad =P).

And than this childhood friend added me on Facebook, came to talk to me on the chat and we talked about everything, and he is so happy, doing the right things, living in the USA, now starting University for Graphical Animations (3D and stuff like that), and, oh my!, I got so happy and proud of him, and I was thrilled that he was talking to me, I missed him, his little brother as well, and it's just great to see that he liked me the way I liked him, and he remembered me the way I remembered him, like friends! Like a friend I can count on, and I hope to be the same to him. He already matched my expectations. He did what I couldn't do. He looked for me.

And I was just checking around other people's Facebook when I saw my ex-fiancee's Facebook. And I saw he is now MARRIED! Well... that's when we start the odd feelings.
My ex-fiancee... married. We are not apart for even two years now and he is already married. No, I don't wish him bad, on the opposite! It's not that kind of feeling that is disturbing me.
The odd and frightening and squizing feeling is the one that I AM OLD. I always thought of myself as an Old person (older than those of my own age, older inside my head, older inside my thoughts). But now, seeing that he is married and I don't even have a boyfriend, suddenly made me feel so... lost. Lonely (in the boyfriend way). Hopeless. Made me feel like I lost whatever I had the chance to get.

But than I was writting all the good things that happened to me today (above) and the worst part of the weird feeling was gone. I cannot write right now of what is it exactly that I feel.

I guess I am going to smoke a few cigarrettes outside, and maybe I'll come back later to finish this.

Maybe not.

It's June, 9th, 23h09. If I don't return, this will be the end of this post, so I am going to put this song letter here (in portuguese) to finish my feelings for now.

"Enquanto você se esforça pra ser um sujeito normal, e fazer tudo igual... eu do meu lado aprendendo a ser louco, um maluco total, na loucura real... Controlando a minha maluquez misturada com minha lucidez eeeee"&nbsp; -&gt; Raul Seixas (Maluco Beleza)