WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 10 - When I hit the bottom
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-03-11T12:19:00-03:00


Of course I got really angry once I remembered I’d left my bike at Edward’s house, and I was good two miles away from mine.

“Fucking shit!” I muttered. “So I’ll have to walk. Great!” I spoke to myself, walking on the sidewalk with my hands on my pockets.

And as I walked, I couldn’t avoid the flood of recent memories…

Edward and Rosalie kissing… 

I closed my eyes and roared to the empty dark silent street.

It hurt so much I could punch something.

Edward’s eyes… Downcast, sad, helpless…

I hated that I had hurt him… I hated to know that he was disappointed in me… I hated to be angry at him… And most of all, I hated to be away from him… 

I knew my main reason was my jealousy… I didn’t want him with Rose because I wanted him with me… And I knew well how unfair of me it was… But I couldn’t get passed what he’d done. The secrecy, the wanting-and-getting-Rosalie behind my back…

“Stop thinking!” I screamed at myself as I quickened my step. 

I entangled my fingers in my hair, pulling the locks with force, trying to find another pain to numb the one in my chest.

But it didn’t matter what I did, the anguish was there, throbbing, not letting me forget what Edward had done, and what I had done in consequence.


It took me 35 minutes, and a lot of screaming, roaring and cursing, to finally get to my neighborhood. It was two-forty in the morning and I was not only tired and angry, but also impatient. It didn’t escape me the fucked similarity between the past and present, how things were kinda repeating themselves in an ironic bad taste joke. If there was such thing as fate, it was playing with me pretty cruelly.

“Five more blocks…” I murmured to myself and immediately recognized the repetition in my action, but this time my destination was different. Or so I thought.

I wasn’t going to Edward’s house, I was going to my own. But as soon as white fences came into sight ten meters from me I shivered, and I was sure it wasn’t due to the cold breeze.

As I passed in front of the so well known house, I glanced at his window, even though I was berating myself for that. The lights were off. I stopped.

“What the hell are you doing?” I admonish myself, but I never resumed walking. 

He wasn’t home. I remembered Alice saying Emmet had gone camping with Edward. &nbsp;

It bothered me to think he was camping with someone else other than me, even if this other were the big guy. It also bothered me that he went on a trip soon after we stopped being friends. I was still angry and resentful but, it didn’t change the fact that I had feelings for him and was still jealous of anyone who could be around him when I couldn’t.

Although, seriously, who was I at that moment to even think of being annoyed by Edward’s actions? I had no right. 

I shook and bowed my head as I felt my stomach constrict. I tried not to think too much about what I had done. Instead, I thought with some satisfaction that Mr. and Mrs. C were sleeping by that time. So I thought it wouldn’t hurt anybody if I went in the house to take my bike.

I couldn’t admit, but truthfully I just wanted to go in and feel somehow connected to Edward one last time, before I could move on. Kinda sick, huh?

I took a deep breath, took the hidden spare key, opened the gate and went straight to the garage, walking silently and fast to its outer door. I couldn’t hear anything coming from inside the house, and all the lights were off, so I felt safe enough to take my bike and head away. But of course it wouldn’t be so easy.

I blinked my eyes repeatedly as the lights went on.

“What are you doing back here?” His voice was hoarse and low, but made me jump anyway. “I thought you were... Had left with Alice.” Obviously I noticed his last minute correction and understood perfectly what he was thinking.

I turned swiftly, ready to make a snide comment, my face in a frown. But just until I saw him.

Edward’s eyes were puffy and really red. He had small pink dots all over his cheeks and his nose tip was blushed. He had cried. And not just a little.

My stomach fluttered. Had I hurt him that bad? I didn’t know that I had such power. And I didn’t know whether I felt avenged or guilty, either.

“I came back just for my bike.” I answered him, my tone much softer than I firstly intended. 

“Well, you have it.” He sounded angry. “So take it and leave.”

His tone, the so unusual way he spoke to me and what he said, his sharp words, reignited my resentment.

“That’s what I was doing.” I replied harshly.

“Good.” He spat back at me. “So go.”

I wanted to, but something was holding me. I couldn’t move.

Once more we stared at each other. Angrily, impatiently. And I think I’d have stayed there longer, locked in Edward’s gloomy eyes. But then he averted my gaze and sighed, pain written all over his face.

“Please, just…”his voice faltering. “...Leave.”

I saw the tear. I saw it perfectly when it rolled from his left eye. But I chose to ignore it and did what he told me to.

So I left without another word. I hopped up on my bike and rode outta there as fast as I could. And while I was doing it, I decided to hold my ground, to maintain my indifferent posture, to be away from him once and for all. It was better this way. 

After all, he would never feel for me what I was feeling for him… Whatever It was. It was all useless, anyway. We were better off without each other.

At that point I was believing I could never be his friend anymore. Not just because he was into my sister, and I simply didn't have the strength to see them together, but also because realizing he would never feel the same way for me hurt too much. 

And the thing was… In the end, we could never be together anyway. Even if he felt for me what I was feeling for him, my family, my father, would never understand, much less accept. So there wasn't another option for me besides forgetting him. I had to. And near him I could never do that.

I pedaled harder, faster. I pedaled standing, pushing my legs muscles and my speed to their limits because I wanted to get home quickly. I wanted to sleep and forget all of it. I wanted that day and all that shit that went on in it to be over.

Soon I arrived at my front yard, but I didn’t halt. I dropped the bike anyway on the grass and walked calmly to the porch.

Suddenly I felt numb. I was weirdly calm, almost placid, as if I had taken a sedative or something. I went &nbsp;through the motions, like nothing was happening, as if it was a regular night after an ordinary day. As if I hadn't ended an eighteen-year long friendship. As if I hadn't just lost the most important person of my life.

I was expecting some pain. It would be natural of me to be sad at that point. It would be perfectly understandable if I rued a little.

But there was simply nothing there. I was… Empty.

I opened the door. I walked in. Somebody came to see who was entering, I think it was my mother, but I didn’t acknowledge her. I climbed the stairs slowly, tiredly. 

I wasn’t thinking… I was just moving… I couldn’t notice anything around me.

I started taking off my clothes while I was getting into my room, letting them fall on the floor. I got into my bathroom, I stepped into the shower stall, I looked blankly at the shower knob for a long time.

At some point I turned on the shower and cleaned. I washed my hair, I stood under the water spray for some minutes with my eyes closed.

The darkness was comfortable. 

Grey specks… Crystal light blue orbs… Glistening diamond tears...

I opened my eyes.

I sighed feeling cold. Not physically cold… Cold inside. 

I shook my head and turned off the shower. I grabbed the towel and wrapped it around my hips, I stepped out of the stall. I went back into my bedroom with my mind completely blank.

I looked around. Something was so wrong, but I didn’t know what it was… The room felt strangely inhospitable. It was missing something… Or maybe it was just me. I felt hollow… I felt anaesthetized.

I sighed forcefully, uncomfortable with the weird sensation of numbness blended with emptiness.

I walked almost automatically to my closet, opening the louvered doors and entering without really paying attention to what I was doing. I pulled the first sleep pants I could find from the bottom shelf. I discarded the towel on the floor and put the pants on, raising my arm to the top shelf right after, to pick up a shirt. It was unusual of me to sleep with one, but I was still feeling the weird cold sensation inside me… &nbsp;And even though I suspected the shirt wouldn’t solve the problem, it wouldn’t hurt to try.

As I grabbed a shirt and pulled it to me, something fell from above, hitting my right shoulder lightly before reaching the carpet.

I looked at it absently, not really intending to pick up whatever had fallen.

But then the brown and red colors, and the bear paw on the side, raised and held my attention. I couldn’t ignore the simple, but also so significative, object.

I bent down, immediately feeling something bubbling in my chest. I grabbed the cap slowly, trying hard not to think about the moment it was given to me, or about the person who gave it to me.

But &nbsp;it was useless… I could never avoid such thing.

I exhaled heavily, feeling my throat constrict. My chest suddenly tightened. I couldn’t breathe.

I sat on the carpeted floor, clasping the cap. I couldn’t avert my eyes from the damn thing, even though I was trying pretty hard to. 

You're a Bear now. I could practically hear his voice, the joy and pride so clear in his tone. Who could’ve known that my skinny shy best friend would become a brilliant basketball college player… 

I closed my eyes tight. I squeezed the cap in my hands even tighter…

And then my mind was flooded by a hundred memories…

I could see us clearly, laying on the green grass below the Oak tree at his mother’s garden… I could hear our loud laughs mingling in the wind, filling the air and the space around us, isolating us from everything else. I could picture us at the lake, swimming together to one of the big rocks in the middle of the water, spending a whole bunch of time just enjoying a comfortable silence while sitting side by side. We’d always spent hours in our Jay-E bubble, the world outside of it forgotten... It was just him and me at those times.

I remembered how his eyes would get bluer, hiding the gray shades, every time we were doing something he liked, like tracking through the woods to the lake, or racing to the pool, or planning a party to gather our gang… I could perfectly picture his eyes getting grayer instead, when he was worried, really concentrated, focused, or when he looked at something he really wanted. I could recall how his deep voice would get stronger whenever he was advising me, talking me into something he thought I should do, and the few times he subtly reprimanded me… I could hear it getting softer whenever he was trying to comfort me or when he was giving his opinion about something I shared with him…

And I could, finally, recognize the way each and every one of these things made me feel… It had always been strong.

I could also realize perfectly… His gestures, his affection, his care for me… The way he was always so protective of me, and it was… It was like he wanted to spare me, always taking me under his wing… Always putting himself out for me.

That was proof enough… He considered me much more than a simple childhood best friend, and I knew it… I’d always known. But it didn’t make things any better, it actually made things worse… Because what seemed was… He’d always considered me like his little brother, somebody who needed his protection and care.

I let go of the cap swiftly and flattened my hand on my chest abruptly.

A killing pain was slowly, gradually, cracking my heart. I clutched my chest, breathing hard.

So I finally felt the humidity flowing down my cheeks, and I realized I was crying.

I opened my eyes, rested my head on the wall behind me and stared at the ceiling. Even with my eyes open, blurred with so many tears, I could still see his perfect face… 

The hurt deepened. The pain started to smash me… And all of a sudden I could understand everything.

It finally sank in why that sentence seemed so wrong, so shallow. 

How could I not notice it before? It was so obvious… He'd always meant so much more than just a friend to me… Always.

I knew it… Deep down inside, even if only subconsciously, I'd always known… 

And then I was remembering myself telling Bella it wouldn't be something minor. It wouldn’t… I knew it.

My heart started to pound faster, to constrict harder, further. It was racing, beating so fast that my chest was hurting really bad.

I wasn't just into him…

“Oh, my God…” I uttered, feeling the tears stream start to increase.

I was in love with him…

It was so easy to see at that moment, how falling in love with Edward was natural, simple, effortless… 

I trembled… I also could tell it was definite. It was also easy to assimilate that I couldn’t go back, I couldn’t retreat. There was no way to get over that… There was no escape for me… 

I took a deep breath, trying to control the overflow of so many feelings that started to rise. I rubbed both my hands on my eyes and cheeks to dry the tears, only to clear the way for more.

I was quiet, silent. I wasn’t sobbing but, I couldn’t stop the tears flow. The more I rubbed them down, the more they flowed.

It’s no use… I thought. And I finally assumed how sad I was for my stupid decision… 

How dumb was I to think I could live without him in my life? Why did I say we were over?

We weren’t… We would never be, at least not for me...

But how could I take what I had said back? 

I couldn’t… 

More tears came silently. And then the numbness from before was long gone, definitely. I was feeling again… I was scared, hurt, lonely…

I remained there. Seated on my closet floor, my head leaning back on the wall, my eyes fixed on the ceiling, the tears flowing freely as I just breathed slowly.

I’m not sure at what point I fell asleep. I know the tears had dried soon before the first sunbeams brightened my room, but I didn’t have the willpower to stand up and get to bed. &nbsp;

The last thing I remember is Edward’s smiling face on my cell phone screen, as I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t a very good idea to call him that early in the morning. 

And after that, nothing…

I was submerged in a deep darkness.

Surrounded by an unsettling silence. 

*

“Jayjay?” I heard my mother's voice.

Slowly, unwilling, I opened my eyes. I was still on the floor, my body curled up in a fetal position. Everything hurt, my legs, my arms, my back, my neck, probably because I slept on the carpet instead of on my bed… My eyes were stinging, and I was pretty sure they were red and puffy, I had a terrible headache… But the most worrying thing was the giant hole carved in my chest… It felt so empty... I knew my heart was beating normally in there, otherwise I wouldn’t be awake and alive, but… It seemed like there was nothing in its place… Just an enormous, deep and dark gap.

“Jayjay, are you awake?” My mother insisted on the other side of the door. 

I braced myself after heaving a deep sigh. Then I sat on the floor, blinking repeatedly and rubbing my eyes.

“Just a sec, momma.” I said in a loud enough tone for her to hear me and got surprised with how hoarse I was.

I got up and immediately felt light-headed, swaying a little before I could find my balance again. I took a deep breath, ready for the million questions my mom probably was about to suffocate me with (after all, I totally ignored her the night before, even though it was kind of an involuntary act…).

I opened the door. She looked at me with surprised eyes at first, and then with tenderness. I kept waiting for the questioning, but it never happened. My mother simply slided her soft fingers on my face, gauging my mood, I thought, hugged me sweetly for a moment, sighed on my shoulder and looked at me again with a worried gaze.

“You should take a long hot shower.” She said lovingly, holding my face in between her delicate hands. “Then, if you feel like it, you can go downstairs and have something to eat. I made pancakes…” She sighed and freed my face. “Your sister went out. We’re alone in the house.”

She put her hands on my shoulder and got on the tip of her toes, so I bowed my head waiting for her kiss. My mom kissed my forehead lingeringly, and I closed my eyes absorbing the warmth that the gesture brought me.

“Thanks, mom.” I mumbled, thankful for her thoughtfulness. 

“No problem.” She shrugged, smiled and turned to the hall walking slowly.

I took another deep breath and came back in my room, finally reaching my bed and sitting on it. I spent some time staring at nothing, trying to wrap my head around my decision and everything that happened the day before, the conversation I had with Bella, my reaction to the kiss between Rosalie and Edward, my stupid escape with Alice, my last talk with Edward…

Could it be possible that I already missed him?

I did. I felt like his absence was everywhere around me, even though I had seen him just hours before… But I knew… It was because I knew we wouldn’t be seeing each other like before… Everything would be totally different.

This thought made me bow my head in regret. Would I be able to hold on to my decision…? I didn’t want to. I knew that facing Edward and my sister together would be horrible, but it would be terribly worse not to have him in my life.

I didn’t know what to do… I was even more confused than when I realized I had feelings for him.

How would I conciliate? Loving him and keeping him as a friend, seeing him in love with someone else? How could I live with that secret, with that feeling and still get along with him?

Bella was right… And wasn’t she always? That feeling, the secrecy, hanging out with him while he dated my sister, or any other girl for that matter, would be unbearable.

I had to try and stay away. I had to try and try hard. Because it made more sense this way. It would be the easiest way out of that dark black hole I was in.

On the floor of my closet a blinking light caught my attention. My cell phone. It was there since earlier, I dropped it probably as I fell asleep.

I went to it, took it and checked. There was one call from the big guy and two from Bella, all of them from earlier in that morning. No calls from Edward… But what was I expecting, right? Then I took the chance to check my voicemail. Bella and Emm could have left a message when I didn’t answer their calls. 

There was one message, so I put it to play on the speakerphone. 

“Hey… It’s me.” Edward’s whispered voice filled the room and I felt a pang in my heart.

I heard him taking a deep breath, obviously preparing himself to continue saying whatever he was saying on the recording, but I couldn’t take it. It was too much and I was terrified of what he may have said.

So I turned it off, feeling my heart pounding so strongly in my chest that it hurt again. 

I looked at the offensive cell phone for a long while, forcing myself to decide whether I should delete the message or not. I checked the time it was sent and got surprised. Edward had sent it to me the previous afternoon. I was at the bar with Alice at the time. It was soon after our fight.

I should have checked my voicemail earlier...

Well, it didn’t make any difference, anyway.

So I finally decided to get rid of it, but when I was about to click “delete” Emmet’s picture popped up on my screen.

I wasn’t OK to answer, but the big guy didn’t use to call unless it was something important. So I decided to take the call. But before I could accept it, this distant low voice in my head told me that this was somehow related to what had happened the previous day, and I got immediately terrified, so I dodged the call and turned off the phone.

I sighed, closed my eyes and dropped the phone on the floor. Hearing Edward’s voice, thinking about him, receiving a call from Emmet and assuming that it was related to the latest events… Everything arose the memory of our fight, and it suddenly dawned on me how cruel I had been with E. My mind was clearer and my feelings were in check. Anyway, being &nbsp;so many hours after everything that transpired between Edward and me, it was easier to see how driven by my jealousy I had been, how irrationally and impulsively I had reacted. 

It was like I had transformed into a monster… I was so angry and full of resentment that I had ignored everything… How important he was to me, how fragile he could be when he was hurt, how he didn’t deserve, at all, the sharp words I spoke to him.

Please, just… Leave. His last words to me, and the palpable pain that enlaced them, came without my evoking.

I closed my eyes and saw, again, the single glistening tear that trickled down his face.

I had hurt him… And he hadn’t even done anything to me… Not really, not consciously. He didn’t know I was in love with him. He hadn’t hurt me on purpose…

But I did. And I did it so cruelly, so unmercifully, that it all went straight to my guts.

I felt sick. I was instantly nauseated by my actions and had to run to the bathroom before it was too late.

I felt so guilty and stupid… I dry-heaved for minutes… I hadn’t eaten anything the day before so I had nothing in my stomach to throw up, but I wanted to vomit regardless. My eyes were tearing up while I tried to breathe between the gag reflexes, my heart pounding irregularly.

Then I sat on the tiled floor, gasping, leaning on the sink cabinet. And, out of nowhere, an impossible image popped up in my mind.

Edward and I… Kissing. In the middle of the bathroom.

I blinked. I shook my head. But the image was so clear I couldn’t ignore it.

He had his hands on both sides of my face. I had mine around his neck. And our lips were locked in each other’s.

Where did it come from? I was fantasizing about kissing him? I was getting crazy…

I got up and got rid of my pants as fast as I could. I needed a shower. But not the hot, comforting shower my mother had suggested… No. I needed an icy, freezing shower to wake me up from that hallucination.

I entered the stall and started the shower. As the cold water washed through me, more images arose in my head, making me disturbed.

It seemed like an old dream, one I had some time ago but hadn’t remembered until then. But it was also so real I could almost swear it really happened.

I want to kiss you… I want to kiss you so bad… I could hear myself saying as a clear image of Edward’s lips, his perfect pink lips, slightly opening in response of what I’d said, emerged in my mind.

Jay, do you know who you’re with? The echo of his voice flooded my brains, repeating the sentence like a broken record.

I shook my head and opened my eyes. When did I have this dream? And why was I remembering it only now?

I want to remember. My own voice, distant as an old memory, filled my ears.

Suddenly I felt dizzy again, so I leaned on the wall for support, bowed my head and closed my eyes. I breathed deeply twice, trying to regain my balance. But when I opened my eyes the image took form in front of me again.

Edward’s lips… So close... 

The desire was overwhelming.

I rubbed my eyes, feeling a strong thrill spreading throughout my body. 

“My God…” I mumbled to myself. “What will I do with this…?”

What was happening to me? The idea was for me to get rid of what I was feeling by breaking off our friendship, not for it to get stronger… Why was I hallucinating about him?

I put myself under the water spray again, closing my eyes and breathing deep repeatedly.

I had to put my mind at ease. I couldn’t keep thinking so much about him, I had to stop.

For minutes I simply breathed and let the water wash my fears. Slowly, I started to calm down. Until I was able to think straight again.

I left the shower stall after drying myself. I avoided the mirror cuz I knew what I would see there. I went through my morning routine as normally as I could, and then I went back to my room, straight to my closet, so I could get dressed. Then I went downstairs.

My mom was watching some TV cooking show, seated on the sofa with crossed legs and interlaced hands on her lap, always so graceful in the way she behaved. She looked over her shoulder when I entered the room, quickly offering her right hand to me.

I took it and kissed it with some reverence before rounding the sofa and sitting by her side. We were silent for a while, basically 'cause I didn't have anything to say and couldn't share my thoughts with her. But her presence was comforting, and I enjoyed the simplicity of being alone with my momma for a moment.

Then she muted the TV and turned her body a little in my direction. I looked at her with a little fear of what she was seeing on my face and what she was about to say or ask.

“I know that, now that you're a young man, it's not my place to take care of your problems anymore…” her voice sounded as always, soothing and sweet and loving. “But you should know, and never forget, that I'm here for you if you need to talk.” 

I diverted my eyes from her compassionate ones and lowered my head. It would be really helpful to talk to her at that moment, I truly needed to unburden but… How could I?

“I also know that you may feel a little uncomfortable, talking to your mom about whatever this is…” Of course she had noticed, even a blind person would have noticed my vexation at that point. “But you don't need to tell me everything, you can just… Make questions or, maybe, speak about it without being specific.” 

I looked at her kinda surprised and smiled, grateful again for her thoughtfulness. I sincerely didn't know this side of my mom.

She shrugged and smiled back at me, and suddenly (and oddly) I felt like talking to her. I knew I couldn't disclose much, but she said I could make questions…

I took a deep breath and exhaled heavily.

“What can we do to stop… Caring too much for someone?”

My mom creased her forehead slightly and I thought her expression was one of curiosity.

“Well, first of all, why would we want to stop caring for someone?” Her voice was linear, neutral, she wasn't judging.

“Maybe because…” I was going to say that the person didn't deserve it, but then I cut myself off 'cause it wasn't true at all. “Maybe because it… Hurts… The person who cares.” 

It was the best I could do to get nearer from the truth without exposing myself.

“Because the person on the receiving end of this care doesn't care the same way?” She asked carefully. 

I nodded hesitantly. My mother smiled softly, comprehension glowing on her emerald eyes and making me feel strangely relieved.

“Well, my baby boy…” She started while holding my face between her small delicate hands. “ It's not easy to stop caring for someone if this caring is truly deep and real. So, let me ask you some things…” She paused, waiting for my permission, and I nodded again. “Is it deep and real?” I sighed heavily, lowered my eyes and nodded slightly. My mom sighed too. “Hum. And would this feeling, this care that we have for someone, be strong enough to the point of making us capable of feeling happy if this person is happy? Even if it makes us a little sad.”

I was struck by how sweetly careful my mom was being, and how it was making me feel comfortable enough to open up a little. 

I breathed deeply, thinking about what she'd asked. Her hands went to my shoulders as she waited patiently.

Would I feel happy if Edward felt happy? Yes, of course I would. But would I feel happy for him if Edward feeling happy hurt me, due to the reason he was happy?

I didn't know… It was a tough question to answer. I thought it was possible with some effort, but...

“I think I could… Feel happy for the person, but... I'm not sure I would bear the hurt.” I whispered without looking at my mom, fully aware that I had just been very specific.

She held my face again, delicately making me look at her once more.

“Of course it takes some time, honey. It's not easy and it requires a little self-sacrifice… But if the person is worth it…”

“The person is worth it.” I murmured, feeling my eyes fill with humidity.

“Then you should breathe deep and smile whenever you’re around the person, especially when the pain is a little more intense. Smiling helps easing the heart.” I smiled softly. “Unless you think it’s best to keep away.”

I wasn’t sure about that, so I shook my head slowly while shrugging.

One single tear trickled down my face, and I lowered it a bit, a little embarrassed to be crying in front of my momma. She simply dried it with her fingers and pulled me into her embrace.

“Everything is going to be alright, honey. You're a sweet and strong young man, and you'll find your way through this.”



I held her back, feeling protected enough. I hoped she was right...



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