Autor: cheshire cat | Publicado: 2012-05-11T21:24:00-03:00

Here I go again on my own...

Exactly, I'm back (again). I guess I am stressed. I stayed 2 days in the hospital for a pain that meant nothing, but it ached like my brains were coming out. Than I realized that maybe I was just stressed.

My relationship was only a fraud (at least for me) for a few weeks now. I really loved spending time with him (most of the time), but we couldn't agree on our decisions. He was too childish, and I was too old.

I am such a cold bitch that I was trying to keep this relationship for a few more weeks because I was doing this treatment for fatness on his city and I wanted to have a place to stay, and to enjoy him a little bit more. But I couldn't. Whatever was on my mind whenever I felt alone was finally winning.

And this is it! We are done now. I have suffered this week for my broken relationship more than what I could expect to be able to suffer for anyone ever again. But I do like him, specially because he is so... pure I guess (and stupid also, but maybe someday I'll make a point about that).

Well, now I am trying to figure out what to do. I am lonely, but that's how I wanted to be. I have no money, but now I'll stop having excuses for that (yes! my relationship costed me a lot of money...), I am fat but that's only up to what I chose to eat now. I have time for myself, I have my own desires and fears, without putting a relationship between whatever I want or not to do.

How is it gonna work? We'll see. All that I got so far was a giant darkness under my eyes for not sleeping and crying a lot. So pretty, right...

I don't want to go to a psychologist because I don't wanna pay for it. I would love to solve this by myself... so I decided to spend a loooot of money into a very good neurologist just to stop thinking bad stuff about my fucking headache. This is a wierd headache, but I think it's just stress. I have been having a lot of stress symtoms. Not the sadness and this feeling lost stuff, not that because they could be related to the end of my relationship, but for a few weeks now I sometimes wake in the middle of the night sweating like a pig! There was this first day it happened and I already thought it was too wierd because it's very rare for me to feel hot at all. But than it was a hot night... ok cool, but now the nights are cold and I sleep with only one cover and still I wake up sweating. Not just a little wet, no! Really drawning on sweat! The Tshirt I was wearing was wet as if I had just washed it. And it happened again, and again. The last time I woke up with all my hair wet (like the other times) but the sweat was running so badly through my face that I had to take some clothes I had spread in my room to dry myself up. It was very bad!

Now that I broke up, I didn't feel it again yet. But I baddly slept also, so I didn't reach the low level of my brain into that deep sleep. But for now I don't care about the sweat, for I drink a lot of water and I'll not dehidrate very soon. What worries me is this very pointy and burning feeling I have on this different spots on top of my head. I think is the stress rasing my bloodpressure or something (even though I never had more than a 12x9 pressure in any of my exams during my whole life).

Well, damn damn damn... I have to think positive to attract positive stuff, right? So be it.

But for now I'll just try to enjoy what I can. I have to make a solid plan for my expenses, and I have stop have the introspective feeling I had today when I came back from work (I couldn't leave my bed; I was sitting there unconfortably and not even the fact I was starving could raise me from that bed.... very very bad feeling, like losing all my strenghts).

I'll try to enjoy my family with more quality, and I'll try to say here on this blog what I would tell a psychologist (If I had the guts to tell him that. And IF I have the guts to say it here).

At least no one knows me (hopefully). I have to see if I have any known names on the other posts and edit them.

damn!

SO BE IT.

Kisses to the moon! Today is Reiki's night!

"This is a time in my life where everything is falling apart, and at the same time it's all coming together. Those summer days that I longed for never really were what I wanted them to be. Just like when beautiful people drive ugly cars." &nbsp;(pieces of the song A Year In The Past Forever In The Future, from Grade. I used to listen to that when I was... I don't know, 16 years old? And I haven't heard since than, but somehow I can remember not only the rhythm but also the guitar and drums and the tune of the singer's voice...)