Harmonious Disagreement
Autor: Paula Carnasciali | Publicado: 2016-04-30T14:04:00-07:00

Um texto a quatro mãos e seis pernas.“Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body?” he asked me once. I could never tell the exact meaning of this question and its meaning changed with time. Last night, it did again, in a major way.&nbsp;We are not just brains, we are also bodies, when I woke up this evening the first feeling I had was one of solitude. Then I sat in front of a laptop screen and I started to watch some videos and lectures on youtube. After that, ‘cause I couldn't stop thinking of what we did last night I felt empty again.&nbsp;He was mine in a way I had wanted in a very long time. The skin, the lips, the voice in my ear… Goddamit! I was riding him and he was talking dirty to me… But that was not all. Holding me from behind, ever so tenderly touching my breasts and kissing my neck there was someone else. Someone new.This is not because I feel something bad about last night but quite the contrary, I feel like that feeling of last night won't come back so soon, nor if it's gonna happen again. I feel empty and grim cause it feels like I've taken a part in this great act of love, this magical moment, this mystical event that will take some time to happen again, if it ever happens...&nbsp;Things calmed down eventually, and the boys &nbsp;were ready to call it a night, but I was still restless in a quiet room. Or so I thought. Just like that, I could feel the gentle touch again: first on my hair, then on my arms and neck, going down to my waist. “Do you mind?” He asked, after kissing me. I mumbled “no” while thinking “please, do not stop”. And he didn't. Steadily and passionately he made me come in a most delicious way. Magic.One can have the so called spiritual moment without believing in the spirit, a great contemporary philosopher says. I wish I could have the guts to send you this message. I also feel empty ‘cause I'm not gonna see you tonight. Besides, I have let you down I guess ‘cause we had a business appointment that I missed, and I know that this appointment means a lot to you. After all that moaning - I love to put on a show when I feel it is deserved - I realized the charming bald guy next to us might have felt… What? I NEVER now! I didn't care. Not then. I felt like talking; talking about how full of thoughts I was, how my body was brimmed with sensations, how confusing real life would be the next day. And you listened. And asked for more. And I could even sing to you. Thank you.&nbsp;Changing the topic: you are so beautiful and the charm in the way you hide is... I couldn't stop thinking of you today so I decided to make a list of songs named after you. &nbsp;Accidentally I mean, making that list I came across a band called Cigarettes After Sex, and their songs are so mellow... so mellow like your voice, like your smile, like your mouth and your breasts... However comfortable your curls were between my fingers, I could not escape the feeling of guilt. The Catholic, inescapable one that will forever haunt me. Is it fair to make love like that while still in love with someone else? Wouldn't it be fairer to sort out the mess before letting someone else in? Is everyone mature enough here to deal with things properly? “Does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body? I don't know”.Coming back to what I recall from last night your body is poetry, the best one ever written, then I feel like reading you more, trying you more, listening to you more, I can't help it… I wasn't expecting so much joy in one night I guess… The problem perhaps is that I'll never know what it really meant to you last night… By the way, you're gorgeous.Later that morning I saw you looking at me and it gave me chills. I like to feel the butterflies in my stomach when I remember the way you sucked my nipples. Gosh. But there is history in those eyes - one that I will never grasp and cannot be responsible for. And tonight I waited for that kiss you promised… And it did not came. Maybe it was for the better. How to deal with the fact that we work together everyday? Haven't I learned the hard way how much it can hurt? Didn't I hurt others by doing this exact same thing? The problem perhaps is that I'll never know what it really meant to you guys last night… By the way, you've made a girl very happy.