Santa Água no Joelho
Autor: Alexandre Nogueira Santana | Publicado: 2015-03-10T12:03:00-07:00




Se Deus fizesse comédia em pé já teria acumulado mais
processos que o Rafinha Bastos. O Homem, convenhamos, tem um senso de humor
meio torto (vai dizer que colocar asa em barata não foi bullying?) 



Tava lá o padre fiscalizando os reparos na velha igreja
quando se deparou com Sebastião mijando: a goteira cismou de aparecer
justamente em cima da imagem do santo - que já é acusado de indecente pelas
mais carolas pelo fato de não usar lá muita roupa - e a água lhe caía do furo
no teto bem em cima da cabeça, descia-lhe pelo esbelto corpo crivado de
flechas, acumulava-se nas dobras dos trapos da cintura e, quando a gravidade
não dava conta da incontinência, o santo mijava. Um constrangimento que beirava
o sacrilégio! 



Padre, zeloso que era, na mesma hora manda chamar o pedreiro
de plantão - que, coincidência ou ironia, também se chamava Sebastião (mas só
no batismo: na vida já tinha virado só Tião fazia tempo; afinal, diferente do
santo, era feio e preto). 



Tião olha praquela situação insólita e, fiel dos mais
fervorosos, diz pro padre que não vai consertar a goteira, não senhor.
'Eras-te, Seo Vigário, fazer um santo mijar só pode ser obra de Deus!' 



Padre chega mudou de cor diante daquela insinuação. Insistiu
no conserto do teto, reclamou, xingou, quase excomungou mas não teve jeito:
Tião estava tão convencido do milagre que não se fez de rogado em tirar o boné
surrado, ajoelhar, aparar o mijo da imagem do xará canonizado e esfregar na
testa, fazendo sinal da cruz e tudo. 



Tião, coitado, deve ter sido o primeiro caso registrado na
justiça do trabalho de demissão por heresia. A goteira foi consertada, tempos
depois, por um pedreiro menos afeito a sinais divinos disfarçados de erosão
hídrica. 


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Mas há quem diga que viu o Tião por aí, mais religioso que
nunca, afirmando com as mãos no peito que se curou da bebedeira com mijo de
santo...