The most honest thing I ever wrote about myself
Autor: Tayná Nesci | Publicado: 2013-09-12T21:41:00-07:00

My head hurts a lot.
I feel like I've been, for the couple past few days in a bubble. A bubble where I don't allow myself to cry, to laugh really hard, to miss anything, anyone... To feel.
Just now I took something to make me sleep, since that seems to have stopped too. I don't feel like sleeping or maybe I do, in fact, I do want to sleep... I just can't. 
My body is always exhausted for no clear reason, I wake up tired, my legs don't seem to work as fast as they used to. 
You know those moments when you feel completely out of shape, out of your mind and like you don't belong? That's what I feel.
I mean, the people are fun, the food is great... It's not the problem. The problem is me.
Just when I thought I had it all figured it out...
I try to not get mad sometimes... At God, at destiny, at whatever you call it... But the strong attitude isn't working for me anymore. I feel lost.
Nothing is the way I planned, I know it never goes by the way we planned and it happens to all or most part of us, but honestly, I'm so disappointed with my life as it for now. It's too much. Feels like I have to work double as hard as other people to have the average. And I don't want the average.
I always felt inside, I always knew, pardon my self confidence, that I was special and with that I would most definitely reach big dreams and just do great. I believed in myself.
I don't like who I've become lately and I really, really wish there was a way to find the old me back.
It&nbsp; may seem a little dramatic, and maybe it is... Or maybe I'm just being 100% real and this happens to a lot of people, but they're not just blunt enough to say it - or in my case, write it - out loud.
The thing is...
I expected more. From everything. From everyone, myself and specially myself included.
I think I got so confident in the middle of the way that I made so many, oh, just so many mistakes. And now I stare at the mirror thinking if there's anyway that I can please rewind the clock and do it all over again. But this time, different
Sad part is, I can't. The clock won't rewind itself and the chances and youngness I once had, I don't have anymore.&nbsp;
And in the contrary of what you may&nbsp;think, I'm not throwing a pity party and I don't want people to feel sorry for me. One more reason why I chose to do it in English. I understand anyone can just Google it and translate this, but oh well... It takes time and effort and to be honest, I'm just hoping most people don't.
For the ones that do, read or actually translate, maybe you're going through the same search as me, looking for our place in the world out there and will relate to this... Maybe you won't and you'll find me a little bit crazy. Don't feel bad. I am kind of crazy. BIG TIME.
I'm just writing to make&nbsp;my very own self to feel again. Feel better. Because I was born writing and that's&nbsp;the one thing I most sure I'm&nbsp;exceptional about at.&nbsp;Some people use drugs, some people go out and party all night, some people cry their eyes out... Nope. Not me. I write. And I really wish that was the answer to all of my problems and fears, but unfortunately, it's not.
Understand, I'm not looking to be prettier, to be rich, to move countries again... I'm looking for myself. My plans. My dreams.
So for now, I don't know where I or all of the above went... 
I wish I could say THIS IS WHO I AM. But that would be a lie.
You see, I know what kind of&nbsp;clothes&nbsp;I like to wear, what kind of music I like to listen...&nbsp;
I just don't seem to be able to make me happy, truly happy, the happy kind that makes you smile for no reason, to get all dolled up for nobody and watch the sunset&nbsp;thinking is the greatest afternoon you ever had in the world.&nbsp;
I just&nbsp;don't know who I am anymore. And that's so scary. Is the worst feeling I ever felt.
_______TEXTO - Tayná Nesci