Explodindo o sistema
Autor: Kalife Lagares | Publicado: 2011-12-04T02:00:00-02:00

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 <![endif]-->  Não quero falar sobre a ordem das coisas, sobre um sistema político, sobre um sistema social, enfim eu não to nem ai pra isso no momento. O Sistema no qual eu me refiro e o sistema no qual minha cabeça funciona, um monte de regras, preceitos e sentidos aos quais eu tento me agarrar e me defender de mim mesmo.Engraçado não é mesmo, me defender de mim mesmo!? É mas infelizmente é a mais pura verdade, além de ter que enfrentar meus fantasmas e matar os leões eu ainda tenho que conviver com meu pior inimigo. EUAprendi a conciliar o sentimento com razão e a serenidade com a ira, mantendo um equilíbrio de modo que me deixe ao menos vivo, não costumo sentir pouco! Isso torna as coisas um pouco mais difíceis, ou eu sinto muito ou não sinto nada, o ponto de equilíbrio e frágil, me deixa vulnerável a oscilações bruscas de humor. Tive tendo alguns problemas com meu equilíbrio ultimamente, andei explodindo o sistema, e se não o fiz eu quis muito! E somente não fiz, pois infelizmente eu sei ao resultado disso!
Acho que todos já se sentiram assim em algum momento, totalmente confusos e perdidos, momentos que não encontramos nós em nós mesmos, nus perguntamos o que estamos fazendo, e o porquê de estarmos fazendo. A ausência dessas respostas pode levar ao desespero, mas graças ao meu bom Deus eu não chego a tal ponto mais, eu sei achar as respostas, e elas estão em todos os lugares, no coração, nas palavras amargas, e principalmente nos sonhos e pesadelos.
Nessa semana eu tive muitas respostas que vieram de pesadelos, não é novidade que eu tenha pesadelos, convivo com eles desde que me encontro lúcido, acordo todas as noites suando e conversando... Aprendi a me segurar, e a não mais gritar nos sonhos, isso torna a dor um pouco mais suportável, mas não e isso que importa em meus pesadelos, e sim como eu os encaro, antes costuma os encarar com muita covardia, me escondendo atrás de paredes e tapado os ouvidos nos sonhos, e sempre acordava antes de sentir a espada cortar a garganta! Progredi ultimamente, estou conseguindo agüentar firme, e muitas vezes até me defendo bem, me desvio e fico de pé por mais tempo antes de ser nocauteado. Tudo bem que ainda não venci em meus sonhos, mas estou treinando muito pra isso, e sei que não vai demorar muito.
Andei analisando meu sistema nesses últimos dias, descobri mais falhas, brechas e bugs. Fui lá reprogramei o que consegui e to aqui testando de novo, tive alguns superaquecimentos, no que se entende como perca de serenidade, derramei algumas lagrimas de bobeira, perdendo o controle sobre minhas emoções, soube de alguns fatos dos quais eu não queria aceitar, foi bem difícil. Me senti fraco e debilitado ao perceber que estava fugindo de mim mesmo. Enfim de novo encontrei a razão do problema.
Em casa cheguei a algumas conclusões que eu achei que não viriam mais, mas no momento são apenas projetos a serem trabalhados dentro de mim! Deixei um pouco a desejar mês passado e vi o quanto eu poderia acertar dessa vez, e estou eu aqui na tentativa de se assertivo. Pra começar eu comecei tudo fazendo exatamente o contrario só pra variar um pouco eu me contrariei, e to ficando "foda" nisso, eu quis gritar e não gritei, eu quis dizer e não disse, eu quis chorar e não chorei, eu quis desconfiar e não ousei!Estou com alguns receios, de cometer algumas injustiças comigo mesmo, com medo de errar, alguns medos são antigos, outros já são opostos aos convencionais, Graças a Deus esses sentimentos vieram, como em meus pesadelos onde eu descubro a verdade sobre mim mesmo esses vieram no mesmo intuito, de servir a um bem maior, eu sei que a confusão de hoje pode ser um sinal de calmaria e paz amanha por isso eu não entrego os pontos no momento, já passei por isso algumas vezes, sei como funciona... Rapidinho eu dou a volta por cima e recomeço de onde eu falhei.Enfim escrevi um monte de coisa aqui, mas o mais importante e que eu não estou mantendo meu sistema estável ultimamente, sei onde estão as falhas e já to em cima, não quero me entregar de maneira nenhuma, eu vejo pessoas dizendo que deveríamos nos entregar de corpo e alma para os outros, que devemos amar os outros como se nunca tivéssemos amado ninguém! Perdão pelo vocabulário, mas entregar de cú é rola, e esquecer o que passou que vá pro caralho, é isso que me mantém de pé, é me basear nos erros do passado pra não sofrer no futuro, pra mim esse tipo de coisa é insano, pode me chamar de paranóico ou qualquer coisa, mas é uma das regras do meu sistema que eu não pretendo quebrar. Já to eu aqui apelando comigo mesmo.FORÇA