WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 11 - In time you'll see the truth
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-04-04T09:31:00-03:00


Four days passed. Four days of early morning breakfasts with only my mom in comfortable silence. Four days of speaking only the extremely necessary with my sister and making her obviously puzzled by my behavior. Four days of early arrivals at the library and late departures from work, just ‘cause I needed to be busy and distracted the most I could. Four days without answering my friends’ calls and texts to avoid the questions and the probable pressure they would have made. Four days of pretending to myself everything was good, it was all OK, I was fine, I was hanging in there.

Four days of sleepless nights. Four days of silence...

Four days without Edward.

I exhaled loudly and threw the small rock I had been holding towards the lake.

I was so fucking tired of hiding… ‘Cause that was what I was doing, right? I was hiding from reality, from my friends, from Edward. I was avoiding what I had to do, I was trying hard to skip something I couldn’t for much longer. I had to face everybody and I had to face my life and the way it was gonna be from then on without Edward’s presence.

I had to deal with a lot of stuff, the most important and pressing one being how I would tell my father that Edward and I couldn’t share an apartment anymore.

But I was postponing everything. I was simply kicking the can down the road. And the reason I was doing that? I knew it was only a matter of time before I succumbed.

I didn’t want to be away from him… I didn’t want to give up on our plans for college. I didn’t want to keep my decision in staying away.

I was actually fighting against myself. ‘Cause I knew that the best way to maintain myself sane was keeping myself away from Edward. That was the rational, the logical and the smart thing to do. This way I wouldn’t hurt myself and him in the process, this way I was sparing us both. But my heart simply disagreed with me and fuck if my heart wasn’t a damn very good and loud brawler.


“Jay-bro?” A strong, unmistakable voice broke the night silence and reached me through the cold hair. 

Surprisingly, it didn’t startle me. I just felt a little confused about how he had found me there and why he would drive one hour that late at night to do so. 

I turned in time to see him passing through the high bushes that surrounded the clearing. It was dark, the moonless sky cloudy as usual, the faint glow of the distant stars hiding behind the heavy dark gray masses of condensed water vapor that just made the weather wetter and colder. If he hadn’t had a flashlight in his hand and my lamp hadn’t been potent enough to illuminate the area the needed amount, we wouldn’t have been able to see each other. 

Once I noticed he was sporting a worried frown I understood why he had the trouble to go all the way there to find me. This was important, otherwise he wouldn’t be there.

“Hey, Emm.” I forced my voice to be steady.

“Busy?” He asked as he reached me and sat by my side on the grass. He sounded preoccupied.

“No, not actually.” I sneered. “Why?”

He hesitated a little, looking at the lake instead of at me.

“You’re OK?” He was obviously worried, his tone was strained.

I sighed, and he looked at me frowning. 

“OK enough.” I said in another sigh. “So… You’re here because…”

“I was worried about you and…” He stopped abruptly, clearly choosing his words. “There’s something I need to talk to you.”

“What is it about?” I asked just to make sure my immediate suspicion wasn’t unfounded.

“I’m sorry, man. I know you’re probably here ‘cause you need to be alone, and I hate to be invading your space... If this wasn’t so important I wouldn’t be here, you know I hate to meddle…” 

Yep. That was true.

It should be something really serious to make Emmet meddle. The big guy was the last person in the world that would stick his nose into someone else's business. He hated to be involved in other people’s drama. He was a great friend and was always available if you needed him, but he was more like the funny type, that mate you go for when you need to cheer up, loosen up. For him to be concerned about problems he wasn't involved in, it meant that something serious was happening with someone he loved, someone that was truly important to him. And Edward fit perfectly into this category. 

Edward was Emmet’s best friend, the one and only, therefore he had always been very protective of Edward, pretty much like Edward was of me. And Emmet was the one person Edward would go to, besides me. He was his best buddy, the guy he trusted to be his wingman.

Emmet and I had lots of things in common, but the most important one had always been our best friend. That was how I suddenly knew that the reason for him to be reaching out for me that night was something related to the latest events between me and E.

“I tried to call you, so I wouldn’t have to do exactly what I’m doing now, barging into your place, your space, your time…”

“It’s OK, Emm.” I assured him.

“Nah, I know it’s not OK man. If it’d been OK you wouldn’t have dodged my calls. But I‘m not mad at you or anything, I understand. I just really need to talk to you. I went to your house earlier, but Mrs. H told me you were out with the rest of the gang…” He looked at me pointedly.

“I couldn’t tell her I was driving all the way here alone.” I justified. “She would’ve freaked out.” I shrugged.

“I figured.” He smiled slightly. “That’s why I thought you would be here. I knew you were not with any of us. Bella, Alice and Rose are having a girls night, and Jake is out of town with his dad, so…” It was his turn to shrug.

He didn’t mention Edward, and I didn’t really know what to make of that, so I just insisted on the pressing matter.

“And the important thing that you have to talk to me is about…” I gave him the cue. 

“Edward.” He completed without any more hesitation, finally confirming my inkling. “But first I need to ask you something.”

I got immediately nervous, ‘cause I had an idea of what he was about to ask, and I wasn’t sure about the best way to answer without giving away the truth. 

I tried to seem neutral.

“Shoot.”

Emmet sighed &nbsp;before looking at his hands on his lap. He seemed strangely uncomfortable, something really rare when it came to him. Then he looked at me obviously embarrassed.

“What really happened between you two?” He questioned apprehensively then sighed. “See, I don’t want to intrude, it’s just… After you left, and later… Things got a little… Messy.”

“How so?” I asked feeling the guilt creep all over me again.

He heaved a strong sigh and looked away from me as if he was debating on what he should tell me. 

“First, Edward simply disappeared. I thought he was doing something at the house, or just stalling in there ‘cause he didn’t want to face our questions, I don’t know…” He shrugged. “But when I went inside to look for him he was nowhere to be found. He came back after a couple of hours or so, but wherever he had been it wasn’t in the house.”

“What’s so weird about that?” I asked carefully, knowing there was more. “He left, he came back.”

“He was a wreck when he came back…” Emmet said pointedly. “He was worse than when you left.”

I bowed my head and sighed. It was my fault he was hurt, I had been ruthlessly cruel to him… Be aware of what I had left in my wake just added to my suffering. 

“So what happened next?” I asked in a low tone, without looking at him.

“Well, he came back to the pool. He looked like shit so everybody started asking about the argument.”

I looked at him hastily, dreading that what I had suspected would be confirmed as a terrible truth.

He looked at me with a skeptic gaze. “Don’t look all surprised and shit. You know well we all could hear you, you were screaming like crazy.” I gritted my teeth feeling mortified. “We couldn’t really make out the words, but it was obvious you guys were fighting. Or better saying… You were fighting with him.” He gazed at me with a disapproving look.

I sighed and averted my eyes again. Emmet took the cue.

“So… He didn’t answer anybody. He just confirmed you two had an argument and then he said he didn’t want to talk about it. We tried to lighten the mood, but he was just too distraught… Some minutes after that he went inside without saying a word. I knew something was really wrong so I went to him, to find out what had really happened and to see if he needed anything. He didn’t give me the details ‘cause he definitely didn’t feel like opening up. He simply told me, in a hurried voice, that you two had a heavy discussion and he didn’t wanna talk about it. Then he asked me to put everybody out because he needed to be alone.” He paused, took a deep breath. “I did as he asked me.” &nbsp;

“That’s all?” My whisper broke in all the wrong places.

“No.” He answered in a heavy sigh. “I came back to his room after everybody went away. He was…” He broke off and shook his head slowly.

“He was what?” I urged. The sudden suspense abruptly killing me.

Emmet exhaled forcefully, ran his hands through his short hair, then looked at me.

“I’m telling you all this because you guys are friends since forever. I know that you know him better than I will ever do. So, &nbsp;what I’ll say probably won’t be a surprise…” He was blathering.

“Emmet, just tell me already.” I pushed.

He nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m not being disloyal here… I’m just worried sick…”

“I know.” I affirmed firmly. “So tell me at once.”

“Edward was crying…” He finally said and, although I already knew he had cried since the moment I saw him at the garage that Sunday night, it still hurt me. “I’d never seen him crying before.” Emm completed pensively. “And he was crying really hard.”

I heaved a loud sigh, out of breath.

He looked at me analytically. “So something really serious happened between you two.” He mused.

I got up, throwing my hands on my hair and running them through the locks nervously. I paced the space in front of him a little, trying to gather some courage to explain, superficially, what had happened.

“Look, Jasper, I’m not meddling. Not really, I swear. If I hadn’t seen what I saw, I wouldn’t been sticking my nose into your business. It’s just… I’m still trying to understand what happened to make Edward so disturbed to the point of hurting himself.”

I turned to him so fast I got light-headed.

“What did he do, is he OK?” I urged.

“He’s OK.” He shook his head, however. “His left wrist is sprained, he has two broken fingers and some injuries on his hand joints, but he’s fine.” As he was describing how harmed Edward’s hand was I knew I was goggling. “He was pretty upset, so I think he wasn’t thinking straight, but I talked some sense into him.” He heaved a sigh.

I sat beside him and looked hard into his brown eyes.

“Can you, please, explain to me how this happened?” I kind of begged, feeling far beyond guilty.

“He was crying with his face buried in his pillow.” He resumed his previous narration. “I sat beside him and asked what had happened but he just shook his head. I did what I thought that would comfort him… I stood beside him and waited.” He shrugged again, his expression one of sorrow. I wanted to punch myself. “After a while he calmed down and straightened up. I asked him some things but he told me it wasn’t the moment to talk. So I said some things and convinced him that taking some time apart would be good, so he could get some perspective. He accepted my idea of going camping. We decided to use my truck, so I waited as he packed his things and then we went to my house to pick up my things. Everything was going just fine…” He creased his forehead and shook his head once. “Before we could finally depart, we passed by Alice’s room so I could ask her to explain to our parents why I wouldn’t be at home when they arrived the next morning….”

“That’s when you two saw me.” I concluded in a whisper, thinking out loud. I was feeling ashamed all over again.

And of course Emm heard me.

“Yeah.” He confirmed, looking disapprovingly at me. “What were you doing, Jay?” His voice was gentle, but I could identify the disappointment. “I’m not judging, it’s your life, man. But, shit… After everything that Alice did to you…”

“Nothing happened, Emmet.” I assured him.

“Don’t get me wrong, please. She’s my baby sister, and I lover her despite her flaws. But, fuck, I have to admit she’s a demon… I don’t think she deserves you. You’re a nice guy… She’s an airhead. She doesn’t really care much about anyone but herself…”

“I know. And as I said, nothing happened.” I repeated.

He didn’t seem to believe in me, but I wasn’t worried about his opinion about me. I was worried about Edward.

“What happened after you two saw me there?” I asked him with little patience.

“I’m not sure Edward saw you…” His voice was uncertain. “Anyway, that was when things got really weird…” He spoke with a confused expression on his face. “As soon as Alice opened her door, Edward sprinted. I spoke with her briefly and went outside. He was already in the car, waiting for me, but he was restless, swaying his legs on and on, like he was frantic…” He paused, and I, too, thought his behavior was unusual. It was really rare of Edward to lose his cool, rarer still losing it to such an extent. “When I put the car on the road he asked me to take him home. I insisted about the trip, but he was unbending. So I took him home. As soon as we got there he asked me to stay away ‘cause he needed to be alone...” Emmet shook his head again after a long sigh. “...He hopped out of the car in a flash, I couldn’t even ask what had changed his mind…”

I was silent, trying to understand, to follow everything, but the big guy was right. It was all really strange. I could understand Edward being disappointed because of seeing me with Alice. But not that upset.

“I got to pull out the car, I was doing what he’d asked me, giving him space… But something made me turn back not even a block away. I went back to his house, greeted Mr. and Mrs. C hurriedly and went upstairs. I was really worried... I was getting to his room when I heard the noises, muffled sounds, like repeated thumps. I understood what it was soon enough, once I reached his door. He was punching the wall... There were blood spots on the white paint and in his fist, but he kept punching… He seemed to be in a trance… He didn’t notice me, and at first I was kind of shocked, because I’ve never seen him so distressed, so I was kind of stuck at the spot on the door sill… Until I saw him flatten his hands on the wall, a stern look in his eyes, backing away just a little before he braced himself.” He shivered discreetly, and air got caught up in my throat. “In a split second I realized what he was about to do… So I ran to him and pushed him from the wall just as he was about to hit his head on it...”

I felt a huge pang in my heart. That was all my fault… He was hurting damn much and it was my fault and my fault only.

“He kept repeating it was all his fault, that he had to had seen it coming…” He heaved another heavy sigh while I was debating Edward’s words. “I asked him what he was talking about but he wasn’t listening to me… He was trapped in his inner accusations, mumbling how he was stupid… I didn’t understand shit, but I stood there and waited, hoping he would explain what was happening once he calmed down…. But then he went kind of numb.” He shrugged. “I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen him like that.” He smiled apologetically to me and I nodded. “So I asked him if he wanted me to call you…” He shook his head with his lips pursed.

“What did he say?”

Emmet raised his brows and, soon after, frowned.

“He flinched when he heard your name. And then he said you guys weren’t friends anymore.”

I took a deep breath. That was the truth, and hearing it from Emmet, knowing it had come from Edward’s lips, made the reality of our separation sink deeply and painfully into me. He had accepted my decision.

“Since Sunday everything is completely weird, man.” Emmet added with a worried tone. “You disappeared, and Edward hasn’t left his house…”

 I stared blankly for a moment, trying to understand everything. Edward’s strong reaction to our rupture, his obvious guilt and pain. Those were things I felt, things I thought I would be the only one feeling… I knew I would affect him, upset him even, we were very close friends after all… But I’d never thought I would affect him that much. Even though I had wanted to. 

“So…” Emmet took me out of my inner monologue. “Are you going to tell me what really happened between you two? So I can understand what’s going on and maybe try to help?”

I looked at him, only to meet his suspicious eyes gauging me.

“Edward and I… It’s true what he said… I… I Broke off our friendship.” I choked with the truth as I assumed the whole damn thing. 

My mind was still a little lost, though, searching for a plausible explanation for Edward’s reaction.

I couldn’t understand. I knew we were best friends since we were little. We were truly friends, at least until then, but… Our rupture… It didn’t seem a good enough reason for him to be so upset. Not to the point of Edward wanting to harm himself. Would it be because...

“And why in the fucking hell was that?” Emm urged, breaking my line of thought.

I sighed to ease my mind from spinning. Then I went with what I had. It was just the tip of the iceberg, but I couldn’t provide much unless I told him the whole truth.

“He kissed Rosalie.” I mumbled the shallow argument I was using to support my ridiculous decision. “He knew I didn’t want him with her.” I explained not very convincingly.

But as the words came out and the memories emerged, the jealousy took me completely again, reinforcing my resolve a little bit.

“I didn’t know he had a thing for her.” he murmured pensively. “Anyway…” He shook his head. “It’s OK, man. I understand, she’s your sister, but he’s still a guy even if he’s your buddy. I’m aware of the protective instinct that’s driving you. I get it. I have a sister too, I guess you can remember how I reacted when you started dating her.” He looked at me pointedly and I nodded, remembering pretty well how angry he got by then. “But… I got over it. Because you’re one of my best friends and I trust you. So... Isn’t it kind of logical? For you to get over your sibling jealousy? You guys are best friends… You and Edward are almost like an… An item. Not in the romantic way, of course, but still...” He said in a slightly mocking tone, and I shivered discreetly. He didn’t know how I wanted it to be true in the romantic way. “You can’t stop being friends just because he wants to bang your sister. You didn’t seem to mind when I banged her!” He was trying to make me loosen up, I could tell because of all the jokes, but the image he was putting before me was terrible.

Edward and Rosalie… Banging. I shook my head. I was still conscious of what I'd done, but the anger involved me regardless.

“Remember it’s my sister you’re talking about.” I warned him with a serious look, even though I wasn’t that much worried about Rose’s dignity. I just wanted him to stop presenting me scenarios like that.

He nodded while smiling. “But it’s true, isn’t it? It’s not a good enough motive for you guys to fight, least of all to be apart. Besides, I’m pretty sure Edward will prefer to skip this opportunity with Rose, or whatever it is, than jeopardizing your friendship. Honestly, man, if that’s what provoked the fight…” He shook his head again and released a puff of air. “Really, I don’t see the reason for such a fuss.” 

“Neither do I.” I mumbled to myself, still puzzled about the way Edward was affected.

“I’m not talking about Edward’s reaction, Jasper.” Emmet said in a stern tone, almost as if he had read my last thought.

I bowed my head, feeling kind of embarrassed. It wasn’t like I could explain my real reasons to him. 

“You’re so jealous over Rosalie you can’t get past it for your best friend?” He insisted.

“It’s not just that, Emm.”

“What else?”

“He… Kind of… Betrayed me!” as my explanation, my voice didn't have any stability. “He asked me about Rose and I told him I didn’t want it. But he did it anyway… And this is not the first time he’d failed me.”

I was actually trying to convince myself of that, trying to hold on to my resolve, but it was so frail, so ridiculous that even I wasn't buying it.

“How so?”

“Don’t you remember? He knew about Alice and never told me a thing until I found out about the whole shit.” I answered a little angrily.

The big guy huffed impatiently and looked at me disapprovingly.

“That shit was debatable. First, because it wasn't just Edward who knew what my sister was doing behind your back. If he failed you, we all did. Everybody knew, Alice had never worried about hiding it. Second, you didn't really want to know, you were playing dumb, admit it. You were so fucking deeply in love with her that you were blind and permissive. So many other small things she did and you just turned your head to the other side. Thirdly, and most importantly, he was just worried about how bad you would hurt. He was protecting you, like he'd always done. And you overreacted. Much like you’re doing now.”

He was right and I knew all of that beforehand. But I couldn't back down. Otherwise how would I justify my needing to be away from him?

“I’m not overreacting, Emmet. If anybody is doing so, It’s Edward, not me.” I tried to sound rude and decided, but I'm pretty sure I just seemed stubborn.

“You’re the one breaking off a lifelong friendship for nothing.” He replied harshly.

I held onto my jealousy to convince him… And myself.

“I don't think a betrayal is nothing, Emmet.”

“Jay-bro, man… ” He started in a suspicious tone. “You know… It seems to me you’re not really jealous over your sister.” He affirmed cautiously.

“What do you mean?” I replied with a questioning look and a defiant voice, but internally I got immediately scared.

“You seem…” He hesitated a little, shaking his head, but then he looked deep into my eyes, squinting his, and finished. “...Jealous over Edward.” He stated, and his voice was linear, like he had no doubt about what he was saying.

My &nbsp;breath got caught up in my throat and I diverted my eyes from his faster than I should have. And as if my reaction wasn’t clarifying enough, I could feel the heat burning my cheeks and neck strongly, telling me my face was deeply, and explicitly, blushed.

I wouldn't have worried if there hadn't been any lights around us. But unfortunately his flashlight and my lamp were on. He could see me pretty well. I couldn't have hidden if I had wanted to. 

“Holy crap…” He mumbled. “You are jealous over Edward.”

“No, I'm not!” I answered loud, fast and obviously desperate.

Oh shit!

By the look on Emmet's face, a look that assured me he had everything figured out, I knew I was screwed. 

He stood up slowly and sat again right before me. In complete silence he stared at my face, his expression calm, but at the same time, seeming kind of careful.

I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I had a pretty good idea about what he was about to ask me, and I knew it wouldn’t matter if I lied. He would know the truth, if he didn’t know it already by my traitorous body language.

“You know I’m as your friend as I’m Edward’s, right?” He asked as if he was talking to a scared kid.

“Yeah. But he is your best friend. I’m just a friend.” I corrected pointedly.

“It doesn’t change my loyalty towards both of you.” He reiterated. “I’m closer to E, but only because we have more in common.”

I nodded my head in agreement, then shrugged. “And…?”

“And this means… You can open up.” His eyes were attentive at my every move. “I won't judge, and I won't tell anyone. Unless you want me to.”

“What are you talking about?” I tried to escape.

Emmet leaned forward, rested his elbows on his thighs and interlaced his fingers in front of his body. He meant business.

“You're feeling something for him, aren't you? Something real, I mean. Something more than the connection the two of you have always shared.” He was just checking.

It was obvious that, as Bella, he'd figured all out through my revealing actions.

No point in denying it.

But my sense of self-preservation drove me to try and hide some more.

“I don't know what you're saying.” My voice was faltering, affected by my fears.

I stood up once more, turned my back to him and walked slowly until I was on the lakeshore. I sank my hands on my jeans pockets and sighed, looking fixedly to the dark horizon. I knew I was exposed…

It took some minutes, a strained silence filling the air. But then a big heavy hand rested on my right shoulder. 

“You can trust me, man.” The big guy said in a serious tone. 

I sighed. “I know.” I murmured. 

I looked at him, surprisingly not feeling intimidated by his huge size. Actually, I felt pretty comfortable, although still a little hesitant.

“You can’t tell anyone.” I pleaded, feeling my heart rate accelerate. “Especially not Edward.”

“I won’t.” He promised. “You have my word.” 

I exhaled, looked at the lake again and closed my eyes. It was hard to confess, harder than I thought it would be. Specially because it would be the very first time I would say the whole freaking truth, the one I had just figured out, out loud. But to be truthful, I needed to put that out.

I hesitated for a minute or two, until I was able to force the words out of me.

“I’m not gay…” I whispered, noticing by my peripheral view that Emmet was nodding. “But I’m… I’m in love with him.” My voice was even lower than when I started to speak.

I heard Emmet’s low “wow!”, but it didn’t stop me. I had opened the gates. The truth was flowing and there was no stopping it.

“I’ve just figured this out… But it’s been going on for some time… I’m not really sure when it all started but… If I’m being real with myself, I’ll have to admit that, somehow, the feeling was always there… Maybe just maturing, or waiting for me to assimilate it.” I sighed forcefully. “Last Sunday… That was just me being heartbroken…”

Emmet’s hand squeezed my shoulder. His voice was soft when he spoke carefully. “So what really happened?”

“When I saw him kissing my sister I got completely furious.” I answered in a humorless brief laugh. “I was so overwhelmed by the jealousy... I had been confused by the realisation that I was more than only attracted to him, and also frustrated ‘cause I knew he would never want me the way I want him. I had all the implications of this fact over our friendship massacring me for weeks, so when the blunt truth was rubbed in my face I simply lost it… I had been on edge since my birthday…” I took a deep breath. “Basically I was angry and hurt. All that… The fight, the harsh words I told him, the accusations, the breaking off…” I shook my head, realizing how ridiculous it all had been. “It was all a result of my not dealing well with the reality. Edward would never… Feel the same way for me…” I shrugged.

There was nothing more to say. And Emmet was probably speechless, not knowing what to say to me in a situation like that. So the silence extended.

“What are you going to do, man?” He asked carefully at some point.

I sighed. “There’s nothing I can do.” I lamented. “He’s interested in Rose. And even if he wasn’t, he’d never be interested in me this way.”

“I’m sorry, Jay…” He lamented too, and I could feel his sincerity. “But you don’t need to end your friendship. You can still be friends, can’t you?”

“I don’t know if I’m that strong, Emm…” I explained. “At first I thought I was just attracted to him, and if that was the case, then maybe I could handle him being with my sister. Or any other girl, for that matter. But I…” I exhaled, containing the words. They were really hard to verbalize. “It’s not that simple now.”

“I understand.” His voice seemed sad. “And I don’t want to push you… But Jay, you’re very important to him. He wouldn’t be in such a bad shape if you weren’t. So, at least try to give it some thought. If not for the years of complicity that you two shared, do it for him, and for the feeling you have for him. Maybe you can find a middle ground, I don't know… But don't extirpate yourself from his life like this… He’s a mess, man.”

I closed my eyes tightly, filled with remorse. I was being so selfish… I wanted to be altruist, I wanted to put his well being above my own, but I wasn’t sure If​ &nbsp;was that strong…

“Would you do that?” Emmet’s voice sounded like a wake up call, requesting a decision from me, a compromise.

Would I do that? Was I able to suppress the hurt I was feeling to spare him, to protect him from the hurt he was feeling?

Did I loved him enough to the point of being capable of putting all my pain behind me just so his would be healed?

I opened my eyes and stared at a small breach in the sky where it was possible to see some stars. I concentrated in them assimilating the truth that I had been looking for since my talk with my momma…
Yes. I loved him that much.



Previous chapter        Supplement 1