Claustrofobia
Autor: Aarão | Publicado: 2012-08-28T18:00:00-07:00

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Autor: Aarão Macambira 





As boas intenções nascem do amor
mais profundo do ser por ele mesmo. Ninguém é simplesmente bom com o próximo se
não estiver satisfazendo em si o prazer íntimo e sublime de sentir-se bem com a
felicidade alheia. A verdadeira essência da bondade está na espontaneidade do
ato de ser bom. Sentir-se bem em ver a alegria de outrem como se consigo fosse
é onde mora o conceito de tudo que existe de bom. Um dia fui assim, um homem de
bem comigo e de bem com o mundo.



Hoje vivo a amargura de não sentir
mais essa alegria, vivo amargurado pela identidade perdida como se procurasse o
elo que me une a mim mesmo. Eu descobri que o mundo é cercado de maldade e
doença. As pessoas não pensam nos sentimentos dos outros e só vivem para saciar
seus vícios, para alimentar suas deficiências como se fossem filhos queridos.
Prover, prover, prover... Experimentei o gosto de ser consumido, de ser
mastigado, deglutido pelos interesses dos outros. Não é bom. Manifestou-se em
mim o egoísmo e o medo de viver sempre sendo processado com o fim de ser
sugado. Eu retribuí com ódio e ojeriza, quis lutar contra, mas não se luta
contra um oponente que não se conhece. Hoje a única coisa que quero é
sobreviver, não quero mais alimentar as vontades alheias em detrimento das
minhas. Já o fiz demais...



Quem sou eu? Já não sei mais a
resposta, fui tão maculado que hoje sou pedaços dos meus algozes. Os vampiros
me infectaram com sua saliva fria e doce. Quem sou eu? Não há mais como dizer.
Ainda há como me reconstruir, não como antes, nem melhor nem pior, mas outro.
Quero sim, quero ser outro e não isso que sou agora, melhor ou pior, apenas
quero ter escolha. Quero poder abraçar meu destino e aceita-lo como opção e não
como imposição. 



Amar foi aquilo que de mais forte
senti, mas foi o que também mais me trouxe desassossegos, dores profundas,
opressão. Mesmo assim, como alguém ainda pode insistir em tamanha insanidade?
Doar-se como um cão em troca de quase nada. Sem livre arbítrio, castrado. Mesmo
assim é um sentimento bom, lá no fundo é algo que beira a loucura, o sadismo.
Queria poder sentir o amor sem essa concepção doentia de não amar-se para amar o
outro. Forma egoísta minha, por ser egoísta comigo, deixo de me amar para
depois cobrar de outro aquilo que tenho e lhe entrego. Mas essa é a idéia, a
forma é essa! Jogar-se e torcer que o rio não seja tão raso, que não te quebre
o pescoço. Confiar na natureza de outro ser que nem se conhece, só pode ser
loucura...



Partir não quero, prefiro
encontrar-me em mim sem ter que tomar a estrada, mas não dependo somente de
mim, dependo das escolhas alheias, que não me privilegiam, então o que fazer?
Abrir mão de quem se ama por si. É logicamente a melhor opção, mas aqui não se
pode discutir lógica, não há lógica na vida, nem nas pessoas, só há o querer.
Não há como criar um mundo particular. Eis a questão: fazer de mim um objeto e
abdicar dos meus princípios e viver calado, sacrificado e conformado; ou largar
tudo e sumir em busca do brilho dos meus olhos, dos amigos que perdi, da
família que deixei e das batalhas que ainda quero travar? Aventurar-me outra
vez depois de anos de trégua calada e sofrida? Perguntas que terei que
responder por mim só. Resignar-me-ei a encontrar uma solução.



Podemos amar infinitamente,
podemos sofrer infinitamente, mas não vivemos infinitamente para aceitar tudo
até o fim da vida. Escolhas, escolhas...