Autor: carol | Publicado: 2011-11-20T15:08:00-02:00


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Não sei por indo começar. Mais uma
vez, já que até o hábito de escrever quando as coisas iam ficando esquisitas eu
perdi. Não sei mais quem eu sou. Por que motivo tomo as decisões que tomo. Não
sei mais o que eu quero. Estou seca. Seca não, pq ainda tem espaço pra engolir
tudo que me faz mal. A cada dia parece que estou mais travada, é mais difícil sair
de casa, estudar, trabalhar, fazer qualquer coisa envolvida numa rotina normal.
As coisas que me davam prazer já não funcionam mais. Só leio coisas fáceis,
romancezinhos que me fazem passar o tempo que nem sessão da tarde. Faço tudo de
forma mecânica. Sei que tenho que voltar para a terapia, e agora tem a questão
da cirurgia que fiz (gastrectomia vertical) que me força a tomar uma atitude
nesse sentido. Eu sei que minha compulsão pode procurar outros meios de se
satisfazer, e isso é perigoso. Sinto que não tenho apoio em nada nem em ninguém.
Não sinto vontade de morrer, mas continuo me refugiando nas minhas fantasias de
que mesmo que eu não esteja fazendo nada agora, logo, logo minha situação será
diferente. E isso em todos os sentidos. Não estou gostando do que faço, não
gosto do lugar onde trabalho, estou cansada dessa vida, mas simplesmente não
tenho forças para fazer nada a respeito, o que me faz pensar que vou acabar
aqui, pra sempre, solteira, com amizades superficiais, numa vidinha medíocre e sem
sentido indefinidamente.