WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 12 - Never let this go
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-04-10T09:51:00-03:00



I was decided. 


I would close my eyes and jump head first and then I would worry about whatever came to me.

I was willing to swallow the pain I would feel, no matter how strong it would be, just to make amends and fix the shit I had made.

I was going to apologize to Edward, tell him I was wrong, I was crazy, I had lost my mind over nothing, I was being a jerk, an ass, a terrible friend. I would ask for his forgiveness, tell him that I was actually OK with him dating my sister and assure him that what had transpired between us would never happen again.

I knew that it would be the hardest thing to do, be around him while he dated my sister, facing the fact that we would always be friends but never more than that. It would crush me a little every day, but I guessed I could deal with it with some effort. The only thing I couldn’t deal with was his absence. I wouldn’t bear to be away from Edward anymore. I was certain of that and it was time for me to be a man and work with what I had. I had his friendship. A friendship that meant more than anything else in my life. His friendship was the most important thing I had and I wasn’t prepared to lose it. So I decided I would fight for it.

I was decided.

I just needed an opportunity.


I had called Edward. More than once. I’d been trying to contact him since Friday, after my talk with Emmet. But the thing was, he hadn’t answered or returned my calls.

He was blatantly ignoring me. And I deserved it.

It was Sunday again. A whole week had passed since I screwed everything up between us. I was at Emmet’s house, with him in his bedroom, just breathing a little and recomposing myself after disclosing to him everything that had been going on with me since my birthday.

I didn’t really know how we got there, but only two days after my confession to him, I felt very comfortable to open up. It happens that the big guy was a very good listener. We had arranged this second conversation on Friday as we were leaving the clearing. He’d offered me his ears in case I wanted to talk some more. He’d said he could imagine how I was probably piling up stuff since I realized what was going on (which was definitely true) and that he would be there for me if I needed him.

I had Bella, for sure. She was my “wingman”, the person I would go to if not to Edward. She’d been the very first person to know about my feelings for him and she’d been there for me along this whole shit from the beginning. But I had been avoiding her just as I’d avoided Emm, and now I didn’t know how to approach her. I was certain she would be pissed at me, rightly so. So I was letting things be for a while. Besides, it was nice to be able to count on a male friend, since he could understand a little better my confusion. Of course it was a bonus that he also was the best friend of the guy I was in love with.

Not that Emmet was going to be able to help me. No one was, actually. But he could have a different perspective of the situation. I don’t know… It was just nice to have him knowing everything. Besides, I knew I could trust him.

“Man… You’ve been having a very rough time.” He said after a while in a humorless laugh. “Now that I know all of it, so many things make sense…”

I just nodded, feeling kinda relieved he was OK with it all and was not freaking out.

“Have you heard from him?” I asked hesitantly.

“I called him yesterday, but we didn’t talk much.” Emm answered in an apologetic tone before shrugging. “He doesn’t seem he’s up to talk lately. But he mentioned your calls.”

 “He did?” My voice was clearly eager. “What did he say?”

Emmet pursed his lips and diverted his eyes from mine momentarily, and then I knew it wasn’t good.

“Well, at some point of the conversation he asked me if I had seen you, and when I said yes he asked me how you were. I didn’t lie. I told him you were not OK.” I nodded, showing him that I was fine with Edward knowing the truth about my emotional state. “Then he said you’ve been calling him but he hasn’t answered.”

“Did he tell you why?” 

Emmet creased his forehead. “Actually, yes. But I’m not sure you’d want to listen, Jay.”

I took a deep breath. “I want to listen.” I affirmed.

“You sure?”

I nodded.

The big guy exhaled, interlaced his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. “OK.” he sighed, obviously hesitating. “He said he wanted to assure a clean break.”

I heaved a weighted sigh, feeling my heart getting abruptly heavy inside my chest.

“I’m sorry, Jay. I know that after our talk you were really willing to fix things, and I still think you can do it. You’ll just have to go after him and insist until he listens to you.”

I nodded again, my eyes roaming unfocused. My mind was immediately far away from there, running a thousand miles per hour through all the possible attitudes I could take to fix the mess I had made. 

“Why don’t you go there?” Emm asked. “He won’t be able to avoid you if you’re in front of him.”

“He can simply kick me outta there.” I stated the obvious. Then I sighed, knowing that was the obvious approach. “This is probably what I should do, I’m just…” 

“Afraid.” he completed with an understanding gaze over me.

I nodded for the third time.

“I don’t think he would kick you out.” The big guy’s voice was firm and certain. “Maybe he’s just waiting for you to take the first step.”

I took a deep breath and &nbsp;exhaled slowly while thinking It’s only fair.

Then my cell phone rang. 

I fished it out from my jeans pocket and sighed.

“It’s Bella.” I said looking at my cell screen, unsure if I should answer.

“Won’t you answer it?”

“I don’t know… I’ve been dodging her calls since Monday. She must be really angry at me.”

“Well, you won’t know unless you answer. And I think you should. She’s probably very worried about you.” Emmet insisted subtly. “Do you want me to…?” He asked pointing to his room door with his thumb above his shoulder.

“No.” I shook my head. “You already know everything.” I shrugged. “Just wait.”

He nodded and leaned on the back of the chair he was seated on. I stood up and went to the window.

“Hey, sweetie.” I greeted her, my voice obviously careful.

“Don’t you sweetie me, where the fuck have you been?” She asked hurriedly in a low voice. She sounded really angry. “I’ve been trying to reach you since last Sunday. Why you’ve been dodging my calls?” &nbsp;

“I needed some time to… ” I started to answer cautiously. 

“Nevermind, I can’t take too long.” She cut me off harshly. “We need to talk. Today.”

“OK. You want me to drop by?”

“No, don’t come here, I’ll go to your house.” She rushed through the words. “I have to go, I’m handling something right now. But you and I will talk later. Face to face.” She was truly disappointed and angry. I could tell.

“Right.” I replied feeling a little ashamed of my attitudes.

“And Jasper,” She called me by my first name. She never did that. “Do not try to avoid me again. We’ll talk today whether you like it or not.”

She meant business, much as Emmet had two days prior.

“I hear you. I won’t avoid you, don’t worry.” 

“I hope so. Wait for my call. See you.”

“See you.” I replied and she hung up soon after.

I looked at Emmet, and he seemed deep in thought. He was still on the same place, in the same position, but looking blankly ahead with an expression of understanding that I couldn’t really decipher.

“I used to feel jealous of you…” he said in a steady tone, then looked at me with a slight smile on his lips. “You’re the main reason I’ve never gone after her.” His smile got broader as he pointed with his chin to my cell phone.

Fucking damn shit! At least something good would come out from that mess.

“I knew it!” I laughed a little. “I knew you felt something for her!”

He laughed briefly, averted his eyes from mine and nodded.

“I thought you were in love with her.” He explained. “I also thought she had feelings for you. The way you two behave around each other… The usual pecks for greeting and goodbye, the way you talk and touch and interact… Though I never understood why you two weren’t officially dating I was sure there was something going on. And you’re my friend, I didn’t want to mess things up between us, or come between you two, so…” He shrugged.

“I had a crush on her once…” I confessed, feeling a little at ease with the change in subject, and he looked at me again, expectantly. “Nothing happened. She dismissed me without even blinking.” He laughed and I followed. “We’re just friends.”

“Pretty close friends.” He tested, still a little suspicious. “You two kiss all the time. On the lips.”

“We just peck each other’s lips, Emmet, and it’s not all the time. It’s a tender gesture between two best friends that really love each other in a pure way. It became kind of automatic, actually. I don’t think we really think when we do it, we just do it.” I shrugged. “There’s nothing carnal about the kisses we share, they’re so brief and superficial. But, yeah.” I confirmed. “We’re pretty close. So close that she was the first one to know about my feelings for Edward.” I bowed my head, remembering what was happening in my life right then. 

He nodded with a compassionate look in his eyes, and I looked through his window to avoid exposing the heaviness of my hurt to him.

“Will you tell him some day?” His question reached me in a subtle tone. “About how you feel.”

“How do you think he would react?” I asked without turning to him, then sighed.

“I can’t be sure, but I guess he would be OK with it.” I turned to him, surprised with his impression. “You’re his best friend. The connection you two share…” he shook his head slowly. “It’s not something that can break easily. And you loving him the way you do, it’s not something bad, you know… It’s not a crime or an offense, and it’s not like you had a say in this, you couldn’t have controlled it even if you’d tried. It just happened. And you know Edward. He’s a very enlightened person, he’s intelligent and open minded. I doubt he’ll freak out over this.” &nbsp;

I sighed and looked away, assimilating his words and what I knew was true regarding Edward. I didn’t know what to think about telling him about my feelings, I guessed I was not ready to take that step yet but, maybe, once things settled down, I would reconsider coming clean to him.

 We remained silent for a little while. Then I started to think about my actions again, and about how angry Bella seemed to be with me. I became fastly restless.

“I think I’m gonna go to Bella’s.” I said while returning my gaze at him. 

I couldn't bear waiting for her call. I needed to save at least one of my most important friendships. I was already losing one, I didn’t want to risk the other.

Emmet nodded and stood up. “I’ll take you to your car.”

We were already outside the house when I decided I needed to give him a tip.

“You know, Emm, you should do something about that mistake of yours.” I said as I was opening the door of my car. He looked at me puzzled. “Not going after Bella?” I hinted.

He smiled broadly.

“Do you think I have a chance?” I could see he was really in doubt.

I laughed lightly.

“I don’t think. I know.” And I winked.

If that was even possible, his smile got wilder. 

“Thanks for the hint. I’ll make good use of it. Call me if you need anything.” I nodded. “See you later, Jay-bro.” He said while I entered the Vanquish.

I waved a hand at him and pulled out. It was time to face Bella.

*

I parked the car in front of her house and got immediately nervous.

Carlisle’s BMW was just five meters away.

At first I got a little puzzled with what Edward’s dad would be doing there. And then I remembered that Edward’s hand was hurt, probably immobilized, so he couldn’t drive.

And then I immediately understood why Bella rejected my going there. Edward was in the house. Carlisle was waiting for him.

I entertained the possibility of leaving.

Man up and take advantage of this opportunity. Came the thought without my conscious permission. &nbsp;

I took a deep breath and assumed there would be no better moment. He was there, I was there. He wasn’t answering any of my calls and I was very hesitant in barging into his home ‘cause I didn’t feel I still had the freedom to just get in like I used to. So this was probably my only shot. 

Gathering all the courage I had I got out of the car. At the same time that Bella opened the door of her house.

I got stuck where I was, seeing Edward emerge from behind her. 

My heart jolted and started to race in my chest. My breathing got heavy and laboured. My mouth went dry and my throat constricted. I was a nervous wreck instantaneously.

God, I missed him! 

The first thing I identified was the arm sling he was using. Then I saw the cast his hand was in as he withdrew his arm a little so He and Bella could hug.

They hugged each other in an awkward angle, and I could see Bella saying something to him, but I was too far to be able to listen. Edward nodded and kissed her forehead. Then turned to where I was.

I know it’s not possible, but I really felt as if my heart had stopped for a fraction of a second. Actually, it was as if everything around me had stopped while he was moving in all his glory.

He was so fucking beautiful it kinda hurt me… &nbsp;

His face was perfect as ever, even with the dark circles that were adorning his gorgeous eyes. He seemed a little thinner, but it was probably just an impression. He seemed placid, his face registering no clear emotion. That is, until he saw me. 

The pace changed abruptly, everything returning to its normal flow as his expression assumed this mix of chagrin and hurt… I couldn’t identify well which. I was immediately mortified with the way he looked at me.

He diverted his eyes from my face faster than I could follow, and resumed walking towards his father's car. I tried to ignore the heavy pain in my chest, consequence of his reaction to my presence, and I looked briefly at Bella, who had an angry disapproving look directed at me. &nbsp;I looked back at Edward and despair took me, compelling me to move forward, after him.

He was opening the passenger’s door when I reached him.

“Edward…” I called him hesitantly, not really knowing how I was going to start saying everything I had to say.

He remained with his back to me. He just stood upright, looking straight forward. When I didn’t continue he sighed visibly.

“What, Jasper?” He asked with a tired voice. Then he looked at me, and the hurt I saw in his eyes made me want to beat myself up. 

I couldn’t find any words to say, struck by the image before me. He seemed so different, so opposite to his shiny self. He was so… Distant. Not physically, it was his gaze, it was so vacant… He was obviously deep wounded and it was all a plain consequence of my impulsivity. 

It hurt me. It paralyzed me. So I simply stared at him, powerless. Internally I was forcing myself to open my mouth and say, at least, “I’m sorry”. But the sentence seemed so shallow and insufficient. At the end nothing came out.

He sighed again, bowed his head for a brief moment, then gazed at me once more. He looked more than vulnerable… He looked defeated.

“Just leave me alone… Please.” he said, each and every word permeated with clear sadness, right before he got in the car.

I remained there, looking blankly at Carlisle’s car as he drove away.

“Nicely done.” Her voice reached my ears, acid as I had never heard before. “I hope you’re enjoying your doing.”

I exhaled forcefully, feeling crushed. I turned to her knowing I deserved her next harsh words.

“How could you treat him like that?” She asked in a stern tone. “How could you be so selfish?”

“He told you everything…” It wasn’t a question.

Bella looked away from me and heaved a sigh. 

“After much insistence...” She replied pensively. “But that’s not why he came here.” She said plainly, then looked at me. “Let’s go inside and talk.”

I followed her inside.

The house was empty, silent. Bella was alone as in most of the weekends. Her parents had a Bed and Breakfast in Seattle, and the weekends had always been the busiest days. During the week it was common to find Mr. and Mrs. Swan at home right before noon, but never on weekends.

She went straight to the backyard, where I could see a big plaid blanket outstretched on the grass. She sat there, her back to me, and waited.

I walked slowly, my eyes fixed on the place beside her, imagining Edward seated there. He had probably been in that spot mere minutes before… 

I took a deep breath and averted the thought and the image. I needed to be fully present for this talk. 

I sat by Bella’s side, mimicking her posture with the bent legs and arms folded resting on the knees, and braced myself for the ride. I was prepared for the lecture that I knew was about to come.

“You being attracted to him doesn’t make him attracted to you, you know…” She spoke without looking at me. 

“I know.” I accepted. “Bella, I…”

“And being interested in someone else wouldn’t make him a bad friend.” She continued, ignoring my tentative explanation. “Even if this someone else was your sister.” She looked at me pointedly.

“I know.” I repeated carefully and she looked away.

“But sleeping with… Better saying, fucking” She looked angrily at me. “a person that cheated on you for months… That almost provoked the end of your life-long friendship… And worse, doing that in a sick retaliation for something that you were not even sure if really happened… That does make you a jerk and a stupid bastard.” 

I heaved a sigh and closed my eyes. Of course by then everybody knew what happened (or, in the case, what didn’t happen). That wasn’t a surprise. The surprise was in how ashamed I was even though I hadn’t done anything.

“I didn’t sleep…” I took a deep breath, wanting to center myself and to be as clear as I could. “I didn’t fuck Alice.”

“You didn’t.” She was skeptic.

“I didn’t, Bella.” I reaffirmed. “She took me to the Backdoor, I drank a lot, I asked her not to take me home because I was wasted, she took me to hers and I passed out on her bed. That’s all. I didn’t lay a finger on her.”

She stared at me for a whole minute, analyzing me. Then she looked away.

“I believe you.” She stated. “That’s probably why she didn’t want to tell me anything about it when I insisted on Friday. If something had happened she would have bragged about it.” She huffed and looked at me. “But I’m still completely disappointed in you.”

“I’m disappointed in myself, too.” I confessed. “I had time to think…” Her eyes were concentrated in me. “And I know I was beyond unfair. I know it’s not his fault if he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him.”

Bella huffed again and diverted her gaze from my face. “You don’t deserve him.” She kind of mumbled, and I concluded I wasn’t supposed to hear her saying that.

But I answered anyway.

“I know I don’t.” I murmured, very aware of that. “But it doesn’t matter anyway, does it?”

“You know, I really love you, Jay, but you can be really stupid sometimes.”

“I think I can.” I admitted a little ashamed of myself.

She turned hastily to me. “Do you have any idea how deeply you hurt him?”

His wounded expression popped up in my mind, and strong, blazing guilt arose within me.

“Pretty much, yeah.” I affirmed. “I could see it just now.”

“I told you you would screw things up… Why didn’t you listen to me?”

I bowed my head once again, sighing heavily. “I was hurting, Bella…” I explained. “It does not justify my actions, I know that. I know Edward didn’t deserve any of the words I said to him, or the way I treated him… But I was fucking hurting. So damn much that I went deaf and blind and completely mindless.”

She heaved a sigh and I took a deep breath. It was hurting at that very moment, to remember everything and to face some of the consequences...

“I can understand you acting impulsively because your heart was breaking… But, shit, Jasper! He tried to tell you… You didn’t listen…”

I interrupted her.

“I didn’t really wanted to hear him say the words, Bella… I wouldn’t bear.”

“Which words?” She asked defiantly. “You don’t know what he was trying to say.”

“I don’t, but I had and still have a very good idea.” She shook her head but I continued. “He would tell me that he likes Rose…” I exhaled, trying to endure the immediate pain. “He would say that he wants to be with her. And then he would finish saying he’s hoping for my endorsement…”

She huffed once more, this time a little more impatient.

“I promised I wouldn’t…” She mumbled again and stopped. She breathed slowly twice. “How can you be so damn stupid?”

“You’re really mad at me, aren’t you?” Even though it wasn’t intentional, my voice sounded hurt, like I obviously was. I didn’t want her to see how she was hurting me with her words or behavior, I knew where she was coming from, but, at that moment, I couldn’t really control whether my feelings were exposed or not.

Her stance softened. She closed her eyes for a brief moment before looking at me again.

“I am. But just because I love you… I love you both, and I don’t want to see you guys putting your feet on your mouths.”

I nodded and sighed. I was feeling so ashamed and guilt… And hurt and alone… I hated myself for what I’d done. 

“How angry is he at me?” I asked hesitantly.

“He’s not angry at you, at all…” Bella answered in a humorless brief laugh. “He should be. I know I would. But he isn’t. He’s truly hurt, though.”

“I want to apologize. I wanted to do it just now, but…”

“You paralyzed.” She completed and I nodded. “I figured. You went all stiff once he turned to you… You must do it soon, however. As fast as you can, before it’s too late.”

I looked at her feeling this creepy sensation crawling up my neck.

“Why are saying this?”

“That’s why I told you we needed to talk today. You have very little time.” She said in a grave tone. “What I’m about to tell you, I’m just telling you because he never said I couldn’t. Is it clear?” I nodded. “The school adviser was approached by someone from Oxford university some time ago, before graduation, and he was questioned about him.”

My heart skipped a beat. I didn’t need more information to understand where this was going. It was obvious...

“He was accepted there, at Oxford?! I never knew he’d applied.”

“He hadn’t. He was invited. They offered him a full ride. But he turned it down at that time.”

“He did?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? And why in the hell didn’t he tell me anything about it?”

“What kind of stupid question is that?” She spat at me. “He turned it down because he wanted to go to college with you, dumbass, why else?” She asked rhetorically, and I simply blushed. “He didn’t tell anybody anything because he thought it didn’t matter since he was decided to go to Brown with you.”

“But now…” I incited, kind of knowing what would come next.

“But now he’s changed his mind.” She completed.

I huffed nervously. “But he’d turned it down, how can he decide to go to England now? The school semester is about to start in a month, there’s no time for applications and interviews, all the deadlines are through...”

Bella held my forearm firmly, cutting off my nervous babbling with her stern tone.

“Oxford wants him, Jasper! Really wants him. So they put his acceptance and his scholarship on hold.” She explained. “It’s all there just waiting for him.”

I looked away from her feeling totally lost. 

How could I compete with that? I was there looking for a way to make amends and he was planning on putting a whole ocean between us!

“Why would he do that? Why would he want to go to another continent?” I was kinda thinking out loud, but Bella answered me anyway.

“If you think just a little harder, I know you’ll find the answer to that.” Her voice was serious, it was like she was trying to elicit something from me, something that I already knew.

But I wasn’t thinking anymore. Fear had taken me. I was so scared of losing Edward once and for all that I was being completely driven by despair. There was no room in my mind to rationalize or mull over what Bella had just told me. All I could think about was what I could do to change his mind.

I didn’t know what I should, could or would do, definitely not, but I decided then and there that I wouldn’t allow him to go. 

“I have to do something.” I mumbled. “I can’t let him go.”

“My point exactly.” Bella stated by my side.

I looked at her.

“Why did he came here?” I kind of urged.

“He came to ask me for a favor.” She replied sternly. “Don’t ask me, because this I can’t tell you. I gave my word.”

I sighed and nodded, accepting and respecting her position.

“Tell me what to do. Please. I know I can’t have him, but I need him in my life.” I exhaled. “I was stupid to think I could be away from him, and I am prepared to apologize for what I’ve done and try fixing things. I was just waiting for an opportunity to talk to him, but he has ignored my attempts to reach him, and now he wants to move to another country?! I can't let this happen, Bella…” I sighed. “The problem now is, by the way he reacted just now… He won’t forgive me easily, if I even get a chance to ask for his forgiveness, that is.”

“Do you really know him?” She asked me in a harsh tone. “Really, Jasper, he’s your best friend and you know him longer than any of us, but still you don’t know the person Edward is. That’s really dull.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh my God!” She exclaimed while rolling her eyes and turning her head away from me. She was impatient. “What do I mean, really?!” She looked at me again. “I’ve never noticed how unaware you are. Do you ever pay attention to anything?”

I looked at her as if she was a foreign person speaking an ancient dialect. I wasn’t following.

She huffed impatiently, looked away from me once more with a frown and sighed heavily.

“Look, just… Just do what you have to do as fast as you can, OK?” She kind of demanded returning her fierce eyes to mine. “Maybe it's too late to change anything, but I suggest you try. If you really want to ever have any kind of relationship with him again, that is.” 

I nodded in silence and concentrated in my hands clasped in front of me.

“I'm sorry I'm being harsh…” Bella spoke apologetically. “I just think you need a wake-up call.” We looked at each other and her gaze was suddenly loving. “You're OK?”

I looked away. “Not really. But I'll feel a little better once I apologize to him.” I closed my eyes briefly and inhaled, gathering the courage to tell Bella what I had figured out. “I’m in love with him, Bella.”

I noticed by my peripheral view that she turned to me swiftly. I sighed and looked at her. Her eyes were huge, and there was a faint smile playing on the corners of her lips.

“I love him.” I reaffirmed.

She really smiled then, and I smiled back, although I was feeling pretty sad.

“So you finally figured it out.”

“Yes. But only after losing the only part of him that had always been mine…” I lamented.

Bella put a hand on my arm.

“You didn't lose any part of him, Jay.” She affirmed sweetly. “And believe me, you never will. Just go to him.” She waved her arm forward, like telling me to move at that precise moment.

“Now?” I asked a little uneasily.

“What are you waiting for? His departure date?”

I nodded, knowing she was beyond right. I couldn't wait, not even a second. Any snippet of time would mean his absence forever. I needed to act immediately.

I raised from the ground and looked at her.

“Go.” She encouraged with a soft smile.

I practically ran to my car. 

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