À dependência.
Autor: Pedro Furtado | Publicado: 2013-07-21T19:52:00-03:00

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&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Acredito
que muitas pessoas se apeguem a alguns rituais, antecedendo atos, para que
esses saiam da maneira esperada. Alguns jogadores de futebol pisam primeiro com
a perna direita no gramado e depois fazem o sinal da cruz, devotos que são. Um
amigo meu até hoje tem uma maneira específica de focar sua respiração antes de
provas importantes. Outro tinha que arrumar o cabelo de uma certa exata maneira
antes de ir a festas, caso não o fizesse, não iria conhecer ninguém de
interessante; isso mudou quando uma confraternização foi feita na sua própria
casa e preparada sem o consentimento dele. O que aconteceu é que ele chegou de
uma viagem de cinco horas com a festa já rolando, descabelado, cansado, sedento
por sua cama. Porém, obrigado a participar daquele encontro, ficou por lá, até
conhecer uma linda garota com quem ele namorou por três felizes anos. De certa
maneira, essa lição nada vale, já que atualmente ele mal possui cabelo, mas, o
que quero dizer, é que podemos nos desapegar daquela mania, daquele rito; substituindo-o,
esquecendo-o através do tempo ou até mesmo forçosamente; temos o poder
inconsciente, à despeito do que foi dito a pouco, de reforçar tal rito, criando
outros a partir de um, tornando-se obsessivo, não sabendo como lidar com
tarefas simples sem aquilo. O desapego não é simples, acontecendo ou não; no meu caso, não cabe a mim analisar.
__________

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Estávamos, Marcela e eu, no nosso
terceiro ano de relacionamento quando decidimos morarmos juntos. Ambos cursando
faculdade e trabalhando, conseguimos alugar um apartamento simpático que nos
facilitou a vida por certo tempo. Construímos nossa própria rotina, acordávamos
no mesmo horário, tomávamos o café-da-manhã apressadamente, íamos trabalhar.
Depois nos encontrávamos para o almoço. Quando tínhamos dinheiro o suficiente,
comíamos em restaurantes de certo prestígio, quando não, improvisávamos na
cozinha. 

Não havia muitos dramas, claro que
brigas aconteciam, mas íamos nos ajustando, fazendo daquela casa e de nós um
ser uno, ou pelo menos dependente da presença do outro. À noite caminhávamos
conjuntamente à faculdade. Cansados, assistíamos a alguma aulas enfadonhas,
outras boas, algumas tão insuportáveis que tínhamos que dar várias voltas pelo
campus. Sempre juntos, doentiamente juntos.

Antes de dormir é que algo floresceu em
mim, algo bastante íntimo, pelo menos para aquele que era observado. Eu não
conseguia dormir sem observá-la, calmamente, diminuir a sua respiração e
progressivamente cair num sono que se tornava profundo. Após esse exercício de
relaxamento, sim, que eu conseguia descansar.

No começo daquele tempo juntos esse ato
era lindo, ela gostava de ser observada e se sentir protegida, me dizia. Eu ia
consolidando cada vez mais aquele ritual. Após um tempo, ela nem ligava mais
para tal coisa, eu me sentia mal quando nossas rotinas não batiam e eu não
conseguia vê-la adormecer. Eu tinha que tomar ansiolíticos e do mesmo modo o
meu sono era agitado, intranquilo. Eu estava completamente viciado naquele
ritual e, por conseguinte, nela. Eu tinha que tê-la.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Um dia terminamos o
relacionamento. Não vou relatar tudo o que levou ao rompimento, é apenas isso o
que se precisa saber: eu não a tinha mais.
&nbsp;__________

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Estava totalmente atordoado. Passava
praticamente o dia assim; via-me mais morto que vivo, fitando sem propósito
coisas que se postavam a minha frente. Para quem me olhava, parecia que eu
refletia sobre algo, mas não, não havia reflexão alguma, o que era para ser
pensado já estava saturado: os motivos para o meu entorpecimento eram claros e
óbvios. O que havia eu de fazer?

As noites na faculdade se faziam e
desapareciam num entorpecimento que tendia ao irreal. Uma hora estava lá,
completamente sozinho pois minhas amizades foram desaparecendo com a minha derrocada, assistindo-a
interagir facilmente com outras pessoas, criando laços para mim impossíveis. Na
eternidade de alguns segundo eu já estava novamente solitário em casa, tentando
inutilmente me concentrar em alguma leitura.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Quem já dessa maneira
sofreu e tenha talvez uma mente um tanto quanto perturbada por questões que não prestam sabe: sair da prostração em que se encontra não é um mero querer;
longe disso, é uma luta constante e hipócrita de você consigo mesmo,
dizendo-se: “Você vai sair dessa!”. Provavelmente é uma grande mentira, porém
são essas palavras que te mantém vivo.
__________

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Cedi à vida, pelo menos tentei; as
pessoas enxergavam em mim um ser mais carismático. Recorri à ajuda de alopatias,
homeopatias, psicanálise, psicologia, psiquiatria, xamanismo, yoga, pilates,
animais de estimação, livros de auto-ajuda (queimados posteriormente),
empréstimos de dinheiro – como pagar por tudo isso? -, mas, por fim, a melhora
se deu por um dos aspectos citados e outro, que me arrebatou.

Dana, minha gata, foi de grande
serventia; sua apatia para com o mundo me remediava; seu carinho com propósitos
também; a sua discrição trazia todo um charme àquele felino. Me apeguei a ela.
Quando sumia, dando vazão a seus instintos selvagens, eu me preocupava, mas
logo ela voltava, às vezes com um presente: algo que matara e trouxera
cuidadosamente. O que me arrebatou, bem, isso já era de se esperar, iria
ocorrer mesmo que a sua vontade, conscientemente, seja de permanecer isolado, o
convívio social é impossível de se desvencilhar. 
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Vai-se ao trabalho,
encontra-se na faculdade, vê-se, sem motivos aparentes, num bar ao redor de um
daqueles locais. Apega-se aquele bar, a cerveja, para acalmar e ajudar no sono,
torna-se uma rotina atraente. Sentei-me sempre ao fundo daquele local, num
lugar escuro, mesa quinze: - Uma Original, por favor, eu pedia friamente ao
garçom. Eu bebia, de maneira calma e caminhava mais sereno, acompanhado pela
música em meus fones de ouvido, em direção à minha casa, onde me deparava com
Dana e a minha vontade de desvanecer placidamente. O sono, porém, ainda era
agitado.
__________

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Numa noite de quinta-feira, no mesmo bar
de sempre – ele se encontra no meio caminho entre o meu apartamento e a
faculdade, eu fiz o pedido usual, natural, rotineiro: - Uma Original, por
favor. Atendido prontamente pelo garçom, que provavelmente deve ter alguma
ideia sobre o ser bizarro que aparece quase todos os dias no mesmo horário,
pede a mesma coisa, e está sempre solitário, comecei a degustar aquela cerveja,
deliciosamente gelada.

Havia sido um dia cansativo, por conta
disso eu tinha aquele aspecto de refletir sobre algo, olhando para um ponto
fixo, sem que nada de palpável perpassasse a minha mente. Durante essa (não)
divagação, eu encontrei meu ponto fixo numa certa garota, sem ao menos perceber
isso e também, por conseguinte, que eu poderia ser visto como um maníaco. Nada
disso ocorreu; algo curioso, felizmente, incidiu. Ela chegou-se até a minha
mesa, o que apenas percebi quando seus passos firmes me tiraram do meu estado
torpe. Eu não estava acostumado com aquilo, ela puxou uma cadeira e perguntou
se poderia sentar-se, eu apenas balancei a cabeça timidamente, insinuando que
sim, que ela poderia fazer aquilo.

A conversa, no começo, não foi das mais
fluidas. Eu respondia algumas perguntas com monossílabos, suspeitando aquela
abordagem. A garota era resistente, continuava e eu, gradativamente, fui dando
conta de seu esforço e resolvi retribui-lo fazendo, também, questões. A
empatia foi se tornando maior, fui saindo da minha rotina, quando percebi
estávamos na nossa sexta cerveja e já era uma e meia da manhã. O bar estava
fechando. Tarde que era, resolvi acompanhá-la até a sua casa, que se demonstrou
ser mais longe do que aparentava; em todo caso, eu estava bem disposto, tanto
pela conversa quanto pelo efeito do álcool em meu corpo.

Chegando a frente de sua casa ela disse
que gostaria de confessar algo. Mais precisamente, ela me contou que observava
como Marcela e eu éramos apaixonados, como nossa relação era demasiada bela etc
etc. Me disse, também, que acompanhou a minha derrocada. Ela, de nome
Vivian, me observava, e eu, na nebulosidade da minha depressão nunca me dei
conta. Ela estudava na mesma faculdade que eu, frequentava o mesmo
curso, porém um ano mais nova, e eu nunca, nunca me dei conta daqueles admiráveis
cabelos negros e longos, daqueles olhos vívidos que perscrutam o que enxergam,
daquele rosto simétrico marcado por pequenas pintas que apareciam e
desapareciam de acordo com a luz. Estava com raiva de mim mesmo, porém
aliviado, naquele instante. O certo é que, superficialmente, ela me conhecia,
já eu não, não a conhecia, mas, com o tempo, isso aconteceu.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

Naquela noite nos
beijamos timidamente. Nada mais que isso sucedeu. Naquela noite.
___________

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Fui retomando minha energia e disposição
à medida que o relacionamento evoluía. Ela mudou-se para o meu apartamento no
sétimo mês de namoro. Fomos dialogando e conseguimos achar uma rotina
confortável para ambos. O mais importante: eu poderia vê-la dormir, assim como
acontecia com Marcela. Vivian dormia ainda mais rapidamente, era impressionante,
mas tive êxito em me adequar àquilo.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

O que me preocupa é a
nossa codependência. Para viver alegre eu, sozinho, sou um fracasso. O ritual
da minha felicidade é estritamente ligado ao dela. Medida paliativa ou não,
encontro-me, no momento, bem.&nbsp;