Yiddish Kopf
Autor: Jane Glasman | Publicado: 2011-12-05T08:59:00-08:00

Bill Gates advertised for a new chairman of Microsoft Europe. 5,000 candidates assembled in a large hall. One of them was Maurice Cohen, a little Jewish man who was born in Tunisia. Bill Gates thanked the candidates for coming, but asked all those who were not familiar with the JAVA program language to leave. 2,000 rose and left the room. Maurice Cohen said to himself: 'I do not know this language but what have I got to lose if I stay? I'll give it a try!" Bill Gates then asked all those who have no experience in managing teams of more than 100 people to leave. Another 2000 people left. Maurice Cohen said to himself: 'I have never managed anybody, but myself but what have I got to lose if I stay? What can happen to me?' Then, Bill Gates asked all candidates who don't have outstanding academic qualifications to leave. 500 more people removed themselves. Maurice Cohen says to himself, 'I left school at 15, but what have I got to lose if I stay? So he stayed in the room. Finally, Bill Gates asked all of the candidates who do not speak the Serbo-Croatian language to rise and leave. 498 people got up and left the room. Maurice Cohen says himself, 'I do not speak Serbo-Croatian, but what the hell!? Have I got anything to lose?Maurice, himself alone with 1 other candidate; everyone else had gone. Bill Gates joined them and said, 'Apparently, you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croatian. I'd like to hear you converse with one another in Serbo-Croatian.' Calmly, Maurice turned to the other candidate and says to him: "Baruch Ata Adonai." The other candidate answered: "Eloheinu Melech Ha'olam."&nbsp;***Telefonema para um Apto em Higienópolis&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; “Ë da casa da família Goldberg?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Sim, mit quem a senior quer fála?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Com a Sra. Goldberg, por favor." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "A Sra. Goldboig foi gegangen no shoppink e depois foi na supermerkat."&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Entào o Sr. Goldberg está?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Vues? neste hora da dia?O Sr.&nbsp; Goldberg shtá trabalhando mit der shmates no loja." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "E a Telma está?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "No. Telminhe shtá no shkolal, a Telma.&nbsp; Oy, a shayne un a kligerte! Você ni vai acredita. Ela só tira 10!”&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Então será que o Henrique está?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Henrique shtá na Fakultat de meditzien . Logo logo ele vai ser un grande doktor,&nbsp; kanaynahoreh” &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; “OK, entendi. Então, pelo que eu entendo a Sra. deve ser a mãe da Sra. Goldberg, não é?"&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "No, coitada da Babe Goldberg - ela is shoin geshtorben, ollivasholem.” &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Neste caso a Sra. pode me informar com quem estou falando?" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; "Claro senhor. Ich bin Severina, der shvartze shikse." &nbsp;***Berl y Shmerl van caminando por la calle en Moscú en la época pre-perestroika. De repente, ven una policía mirándolos atentamente. 'Estoy en problemas,' dice Berl. 'No tengo mis documentos en orden y si la Policía me los pide, me llevará preso!' 'No te preocupes,' lo calma Shmerl. 'Yo tengo mis documentos en orden. Yo voy a empezar a correr y me va a perseguir pensando que tengo algún problema. Mientras tanto tu te escapas...' Dicho y hecho. Shmerl empieza a correr y, efectivamente, la policía lo empieza a perseguir. Finalmente lo alcanza. 'Mostrame tus documentos,' le ordena el policía a Shmerl.Shmerl los saca y los muestra al oficial. 'Estan en orden. ¿Por que entonces corriste?' 'Lo que sucede es que mi médico me mandó correr cada día por mi salud.' ¿Por que entonces, no paraste cuando viste que te estaba persiguiendo?' '¿Me estaba persiguiendo? Yo creía que Ud. iba al mismo médico...' respondió Shmerl. &nbsp;***Iankel y Jaim van a Nueva York y fueron a comer a un restorán chino Kasher en el viejo East Side. Se sientan en la mesa y el mozo chino se les acerca y les habla en Idish. No pudieron creer! Cuando se acercaron a la caja para pagar, felicitaron al dueño por el mozo chino que habla Idish. 'Shhh, no lo digan en voz alta,' respondió el dueño, cree que le estamos enseñando a hablar inglés....' &nbsp;***Jaime entra a una ferretería y quiere comprar una olla. 'Sale $100,' dice el dueño. 'Pero en la ferretería de la esquina la tienen a $75!' protesta Jaime. 'Entonces, ¿por que no la compras allí?' pregunta el dueño del negocio. 'Pues, no tiene mas,' explica Jaime. 'El día en que yo no tenga mas, te lo ofreceré por $50,' finalizó el comerciante... &nbsp;***Dos judíos, sentados en un café de Tel Aviv dialogaban: "Hay solo una salida posible" "Y, cuál es?" "Israel tiene que declararle la guerra a los EE.UU." "¿De que estás hablando? Que ayuda sería esa?" "Bueno, es que perderíamos enseguida y los americanos enviarán una fuerza de ocupación. Harían una alianza con un gobierno nuevo, pro-americano, garantizarán nuestras fronteras, nos inundarán con capitales americanos, establecerán nuestras industrias y tendríamos prosperidad". "Hmmm ... entiendo tu punto de vista, pero no creo que resulte". "¿Y, por que no?" "Porque con la 'suerte' judía ..... ¡ganaríamos la guerra!"&nbsp;***Un antisemita entra en un bar, mira alrededor y ve que hay un solo judío sentado en una mesa. Va &nbsp;a la barra y dice “Pago una cerveza a todos menos al judío ese”. Cuenta 16 clientes, paga y el camarero se encarga de entregar las cervezas a cada uno, menos al judío, que esgrime una sonrisa.El anti-semita entonces dice, un sandwich especial de lomito bien cargado para cada uno, menos al judío.Paga, marchan los sandwiches, todos se ponen a comer y beber y el judio esgrime una sonrisa aun mas amplia.Entonces, el antisemita se acerca al camarero y le pregunta -el judío es idiota o algo así de qué se rie?Oh, no le contesta el camarero, el señor es el dueño del bar.&nbsp;***Jacó, um tanto quanto cético, foi a um médico que diziam fazia curas milagrosas através da auto-sugestão. Depois de alguns minutos de espera ele entrou no consultório, sentou-se e o médico lhe disse: - Agora, senhor Jacó relaxa e diga: "Estou curado", "Estou curado", isso, repita 20 vezes. Ele obedeceu. - Prontinho - tornou o médico. - Pode ir para casa que o senhor está ótimo! São 50 reais! Inconformado com a atitude do médico ele disse: - Doutor, repita 20 vezes: "Já recebi", "Já recebi"!&nbsp;***&nbsp;&nbsp; The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."&nbsp;&nbsp; The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."&nbsp;&nbsp; The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."&nbsp;&nbsp; The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."&nbsp;&nbsp; The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."&nbsp;&nbsp; The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."***&nbsp;Un actor, luego de su primer papel en el teatro visita a su idishe Mame. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; -¿Y que papel te dieron? pregunto ella &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; - El de un marido Judio ,contesta el hijo. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; -No importa mi hijo,otro dia te van a dar un papel hablado.&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;***The President of Iran was wondering who to invade when his telephone rang."This is Mendel in Tel Aviv.&nbsp; We're officially declaring war on you!""How big is your army?"&nbsp; Iran ’s president asked."There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our whole pinochle team!" "I have a million in my army," said Iranian president."I'll call back!" said Mendel.The next day, Mendel called. "The war's still on!"We have now a bulldozer, and Goldblatt's tractor.""I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million.""Oy gevalt!” said Mendel. "I'll call back."Mendel phoned the next day. "We're calling off the war.""Why?” asked the president."Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners.”***&nbsp;Sir Moses Haim Montefiore (1784-1885), o banqueiro judeu britânico, filantropo, defensor determinado dos direitos humanos e o sherife de Londres, esteve uma vez sentado num jantar ao lado de uma personalidade importante e anti-semita, que contou-lhe que acabara de voltar do Japão onde”eles não tem nem porcos, nem judeus”. Montefiore respondeu instantaneamente: “ Nestas circunstâncias, o senhor e eu deveríamos ir lá para que eles possam ter uma amostra de cada um”.***&nbsp;David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.David: Oh? What are they going to do?Ali: Circumcise me!David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.Ali: Did it hurt?David: I couldn't walk for a year!&nbsp;***An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least.After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem."I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about both the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?""Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."&nbsp;***At his 100th birthday Moshe was asked to explain his longevity.- "Onions".- Onions?- "Yes, onions. Every morning I eat a whole onion for breakfast. At noon I eat 2 onions. In the evening I have 3 onions, and before bed 4 more onions. Then at night when the Angel of Death comes and calls out "Moshe. Moshe". I face him directly and answer "Whoooooo?"&nbsp;***