Being depressed sucks.
Autor: Víctor Silva | Publicado: 2016-08-23T17:28:00-03:00

Being depressed sucks... yeah, big news. Before I knew I was depressed, before I was diagnosed, I tought that the way I was, was simple the way I was. People would say I was different, that I changed, but for me, in my head, I had always been that way, nothing had changed. It was only the people who never saw who I really was.&nbsp;


That wasn't true, but I couldn't see that. People usually say they are sad most of the time when they have depression, that wasn't my case... I couldn't tell then, but now it's very easy to see the difference. I wasn't sad all the time, I just wasn't feeling anything. I had some peaks of feelings, of happiness, sadness, anger and other, but for the most part of the day, it was just a void, which I mistankenly called sadness.



The peak that was more constant was anger. As the time passed, it became more and more constant. It was like something filled all the void that once was there, and everything would turn red. Whatever was in my hand would fly to other side of the room, and whatever was in my ran the risk of being broken, and that part the sucks the most: whoever was in my way ran the risk of being hurt. I wouldn't measure my words, nor the value of the objects, I just felt the need to put everything out. It was like I couldn't hold back...



The reason I accepted going to the doctor was that those anger peaks started happened more and more often, and after the anger, I felt very disappointed with myself for letting my feelings break out that way, for loosing control, I would promisse myself never to do that again, but a few hours later I would rage out again.



It didn't take long for me to see the effects of the medication once I started taking it. That's when I realize who I really was. I remembered how I felt before depression took a hold of me, and I could compare the way I was before, and the way I was being the past months. Now I could see what people was telling me, I could see how I changed. And I felt great! I could love, I could be happy, and surprisingly one of the most important things, I could be sad!&nbsp;



I got sad one day for reasons that I don't remember right now, and at the time I got very worried depression could come back and push the meds away. But comparing the feelings I realized that being depressed is not about being sad, or hurt, or anything. Being depressed is about not being.



You don't feel YOU ARE. Simples as that, I feel that's why depressed people have suicidal thoughts (I know I had my share), because you simply don't feel you are... It's like you are just a thing, you are uninportant, no one cares about you, and those you know that do would be better off without you. You think you are a waste of time for other people, and doesn't matter much what they say, no one can help but yourself... and you usualy don't want to help yourself.



Right now, I'm "feeling" a bit depressed. Which means I'm not feeling. I'm writing these to try to make some sense of everything. The medication showed me the "who" that I can/want to be, but now, two days before going to the doctor to change the amount of medication I'm taking, I don't feel good... I'm not the "who" I want to be right now. What sucks the most is that I remember how I'm when I'm feeling good. I remember my way of thinking and my way of seeing the world, but I can't for the life of me make the memory become real.&nbsp;



I remember who I want to be, I desperately want to stop being depressed and be the one I want to be! But it seems I just can't, inside of me something feels broken, like if some link is missing and altough I can see where I want to go, I can never get there.



Before I go to sleep I'll take the med, and I know tomorrow morning I'll be good as new, and I can only hope that when the afternoon comes I don't get back to the way I'm right now... But unfortunally I know that once the medication levase my system, depression will be there, patiently waiting. Which makes me wonder if the depressed me is not the real me, and I'm just trying to push reality away with medication, nothing different from drugs that some of my friends take.



In the end we are all just trying to run from reality.



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