WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 8 - We're settling the final score
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-02-24T19:21:00-03:00






Two years before...

I was shaking so much I could barely walk. My eyes were so wild, I could feel them burning. But I had to be strong, I had to endure it like a man. I couldn't fall apart.

I kept walking. But my steps were slow 'cause my feet were so heavy. My head was pounding unmercifully, and my heart was definitely broken…

How could she do that to me? She said she loved me! I couldn't understand…

My shoulders were shrunk and tense, my throat hurt, my stomach ached.

Fucking stupid idea. Why did I want to surprise her? And why, oh why did I get into her house unannounced? I payed the price for my presumption.

Images of her, screaming James' name, their bodies connected, moving profusely, invaded my mind. It was like a punch in the guts.

I shook my head violently, getting immediately dizzy.

I stopped walking, bowed my body and supported my weight with my hands on my bent knees.

I couldn't breathe.

We had made love on that bed so many times… And every single time she repeated how much in love with me she was. How could she take another guy to her room and fuck him while dating me? We had been together just the night before!

I tried straightening up. My chest ached so strongly I had to clutch my shirt in a vain attempt to protect my heart from the shattering.

Was she in love with him?

I arched again, feeling sick. I dry-heaved a couple of times but nothing came out. I wanted to vomit, I wanted to take that horrible sensation from inside me… But my stomach was empty. There was nothing more than the deep disgust Alice had elicited in me with her vile act, with her betrayal.

I straightened up again, this time with less effort, and took a deep breath.

"Just another block…" I said to myself while looking ahead. "I'm almost there."

I kept walking. I kept breathing deeply. I kept talking myself out of the swirl of rage and despair that was threatening to drown me. My steps got a little stronger as I approached my destination.


Soon I was in front of the familiar wooden gate that shielded the light blue house that I felt as my second home. My heart was just a bit calmer, just a little comforted. I knew I would find the shelter I so needed in that moment.

I went in like I'd always done, using the hidden spare key put behind a loose brick for my benefit. I'd never needed to ring the bell or knock on the door. They never let me. They always made me feel that that house was my home too. Sometimes even more than my own house.

I rushed up the stairs and ran to his room as soon as I passed the front door. I opened his door feeling the fucking damn traitorous tears sliding along my cheeks.

Edward jumped out of his bed, startled with the door being slammed open, letting a book fall from his hands and on the mattress, as soon as I crossed the door sill.

I stopped and stood there, panting and kinda crying.

"What happened?" He was in front of me in a flash, his face worried, his voice grave.

A sob escaped through my throat in a loud, trembling sound. And then I couldn't hold off anymore.

I let the crying break loose. I walked unsteadily until his bed, I sat, I bowed, I rested my head on my knees, I embraced my legs, and I cried.

Soon his weight made the mattress on my left side deepen, and then I felt his hand on my back, making comforting circles.

"She was fucking James!" I practically screamed through the ridiculous sobs. "She didn't even see me when I opened the door!"

He said nothing and I kept angrily crying. "How could she do that to me? She said she loved me over and over, she made me believe she was in love with me!" My hands went to my hair and I started to pull the curls with anger. "Grrr, I hate myself!" I snarled and stood up, roughly rubbing my face to dry the stupid tears. "How was I so stupid?"

"You weren't stupid…" Edward's voice was compassionate and soothed me. "You're just… In love. It's normal to get a little... Lenient, when you love someone."

"Lenient?" I asked a little confused with his choice of word. "You mean I've been permissive? I've never thought she would do that to me, I've never noticed anything, how could I've been permissive?"

"I'm sorry, Jay. But you're kind of… Too… Indulgent with her." He was talking in such a careful way that it made me uneasy. "You let her command you."

"Command me?" My voice was a little outraged.

"Alice controls you. She tells you what to do and you do it in the exact way she wants you to." The way he was speaking was uncommon, he had this slight indignation showing in his eyes and voice.

"She's my girlfriend. What am I supposed to do, counter her? And what does it have to do with her betrayal?"

He took a deep breath before answering.

"She has you under her leash." Again he spoke carefully. I cringed a little, not wanting to admit it but realizing that was true. "She can do anything and you still run to her as she enters a room."

"What are you trying to say?"

"That you gave her space and confidence to do that." He shrugged.

"You're saying that this is my fault?" The shock was clear in my tone.

He heaved a sigh and put his head in his hands for a brief while. Then he ran his hand through his hair and looked at me with this weird defeated gaze.

"No, Jay. I'm not saying it's your fault, I'm saying that, if you had payed a little more attention to the way she treated you, and the way she really is, instead of allowing her to make you her puppet, you would have noticed it before."

"Notice what before?"

He looked at me pointedly and shrugged, and my stomach immediately churned.

I huffed a humorless laugh, trying to convince myself I had understood that wrongly. "She'd never betrayed me before."

It hadn't been a question, I was just wanting to reaffirm my conviction. But as I looked at Edward to find some sympathy and the reassurance I so immediately and desperately needed, my heart constricted. He wasn't looking at me anymore.

"This wasn't the first time…" The sentence slipped through my lips without my conscious permission.

Edward's eyes didn't return to mine, but they were suddenly sorrowful.

I went back to the bed and sat by his side heavily. I released a weighted breath and tried to endure the ache in my chest as my eyes roamed unfocused.

"That's not possible." I murmured. "I would've noticed something… Wouldn't I?"

The silence was so thick and eloquent that there was no need for words.

"She's done this before?" I asked in a whisper, although the answer was clearly obvious. I looked at Edward in despair. "How could I know?"

I wasn't really asking for an answer, my question had been rhetorical, a reaction of sorts to my patent foolishness... I'd never expected Edward's reaction to be so expressive, but all of a sudden he looked so oddly guilty…

Edward's eyes were grayer and hesitant as he looked to the wall in front of us before he released a heavy breath. My stomach churned weirdly, a foreign instinct rising in my guts making me instantly suspicious.

Then it dawned on me.

"You knew." I stated, and then the horrible feeling of betrayal was directed not at Alice anymore, but at him. "Y-you knew?!"

When he closed his eyes and pursed his lips my heart skipped a beat, and then I understood that the assimilation of that truth was a thousand times harder than accepting that Alice had cheated on me.

I got away from his side as if I had been pushed. I took a deep breath to try to center myself, but this consternation overpowered me, and then I was seeing red.

"How could you do that to me?! You're supposed to be my friend!" I was screaming.

Edward was clearly startled as he looked at me with wild eyes and a surprised face.

"I was…" He tried but I cut him off.

"You knew she was cheating on me and never said anything?! You couldn't have warned me?" My voice was beyond harsh and loud, and my whole body was trembling with the rage I was feeling. "What kind of friend are you? Did you have fun watching me making a fool of myself?!"

"What?! No! I was just…" He tried again, coming up to me.

But I walked backwards, getting away from him.

"Better yet, you were just letting me be deceived so you could come up in the end and say: I told you so, Jasper. You should've listened to me."

"I would never do such a…" he hurried through the words, obviously desperate to explain himself, but I wouldn't let him.

"Yes, you would!" I roared, making him flinch and effectively cutting him off. "And you did! You so did! You never liked her, you never accepted the fact that I was with her even though you hated her. You can never be countered, that's the truth! You're never wrong, you have to have the last word in everything, because you're the brilliant Edward Cullen and nobody knows better than you!"

Saying all this, practically shouting, kind of wore me out a little, so I stood there in front of him, panting, glaring at him like he was a pariah.

"How can you even say that?" he asked in a broken whisper, evidently offended. "I would never do anything to hurt you on purpose."

I ignored how glossy his eyes were, I ignored the distant voice in my head that said I was way out of line, I ignored how much I was being driven by the distress caused by the situation as a whole. I simply went for the jugular.

"You just did." I said sternly. "You knew about Alice, fuck knows for how long, but you never said anything…" He opened his mouth to say something, but I just raised my voice. "You just watched me falling in love with her and making a fool of myself while you could've prevented this whole shit from happening with just a simple warning!" My voice was loud again by the end.

"You wouldn't have listened to me…" he started.

"Why didn't you try?!" I screamed.

"You really think I didn't?!" His voice was raising too.

And then we started arguing through broken statements, speaking at the same time, yelling at each other wildly.

"I know you didn't! If you had said something…"

"I tried to tell you!" He cut me off, speaking louder than I had.

"The fuck you did!" I screamed.

"I tried a thousand times!" He screamed back.

"You never tried to tell me and you know that!" I tried to outspeak him.

"You simply never listen!"

"If you did you didn't try hard enough!"

"Because you're so fucking damn blind you cannot see an elephant in front of your nose!" He shouted, shutting me up effectively with his enraged stance.

We glared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, panting and trembling, drowned in a heavy angry silence…

"I hate you." I let the words escape but regretted them as soon as they were out, 'cause they were so not true...

But it was too late to take them back.

Edward gasped, and then his expression went from furious to hurt in a blink.

It didn't hold me back, though.

"Don't speak to me, ever again. We're not friends anymore."

And with that I turned and left the room, and soon the house, pretending my heart wasn't even deeper broken than when I went in there.

WTLO*S1*STUCK ON YOU*S1*WTLO*S1*STUCK ON YOU*S1*WTLO*S1*STUCK ON YOU*S1*WTLO*S1*STUCK ON YOU*S1*WTLO

Once more I couldn't sleep. I was deep drowned in a swirl of emotions, in addition to the reproduction of some of the recent events. My mind was restless, it didn't allow me to shut my eyes.

That previous morning... Had I imagined all that? Or what I saw in Edward's eyes and felt transpiring between us was real?

The way our eyes locked, the way he seemed tense and embarrassed afterwards… Did he feel what I felt?

In the car, when we arrived at the festival… He'd said I was the most important person in his life. And although he'd said that before, I don't know… The way he said it, the way he held my face while saying it, and the way he closed his eyes and clenched his fists afterwards… There was emotion there… But was it the kind of emotion I was hoping for?

Later that evening, when he saw my bruised arm… He got so angry 'cause I was hurt… He was acting so protective, he was trying to defend me… But he was also worried about Rose…

What did it all mean?

I couldn't tell… I was so damn confused, I knew I could've been misinterpreting the signs… He was straight, he liked girls, just like I did. Or like I used to (I didn't even know that anymore). He definitely wasn't into boys. In fact, he was interested in my sister, as it seemed...

But I couldn't help all the feelings that were engulfing me… All I could think of was him, his eyes, the way he looked at me, the way he spoke to me, the way he seemed proud of me, the way he smiled at me, the simple touches… I wanted…

I didn't know what I really wanted…

It was not like I could approach him and say "hey, E, wanna go out on a date with me?", or like I could grab him and pin him on a wall and kiss him senseless, pretty much like I would do with a girl. He was a boy, just like me. Stronger and taller than me, actually. I could never pin him on a wall. And besides the fact that, to begin with, I still couldn't comprehend completely how in the fucking hell I got attracted to him, I had no idea how a guy would approach another guy. I wasn't even sure if I wanted or had the courage to do that…

But I couldn't take him out of my mind… He was filling my thoughts so completely that I was feeling constantly dizzy. And there was this fucking hope that was getting to me...

I sat on the bed and sighed heavily.

The truth was, I had to do something. I couldn't keep like that, all shaken and fragile, totally susceptible. I had to make a decision.

I needed Bella.

I checked the clock on my bedside table. Seven-fifty-two. It was really early for her to be awake on a Sunday. But I couldn't wait so I grabbed my cell and dialed her number.

"Jay?" Her voice was sleepy. "What time is it? Did something happen?"

"I'm sorry, sweetie, I didn't want to wake you up so early it's just…" I paused to inhale, I was feeling kind of breathless.

"No, don't worry." She hurried to tranquilize me. "What happened, are you OK?"

I could hear her shifting in her bedding, probably sitting on the mattress, so I took the moment to breathe deeply, trying to calm down and slow my heart rate.

"Jay? Are you there?" Her tone was concerned, and she seemed more awake.

"Yeah, I'm here." I kind of whispered. "I just… " Then things started to pour out of me. "Yesterday morning Edward showed up before dawn and… Something… Something kind of happened and I'm not sure what it was but… I have this… Impression…"

"What happened exactly?"

"I confessed to him, kind of impulsively, that I missed him." She gasped. "And then he said he missed me too and then… I don't know, something just… Clicked. And last thing I know we were staring at each other like there was nobody else in the world."

"Wow." She murmured.

"Maybe it doesn't mean anything, maybe I was just influenced by my feelings for him, but… Later, when we arrived at the festival there was this moment… Am I getting crazy here?" I asked while running my free hand through my hair and heaving a sigh. "I simply couldn't sleep all night thinking about it all and thinking about him and all these feelings that are making me puzzled, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how I'm supposed to act, and... And I'm feeling so anxious, it's like I'm gonna explode or something." I exhaled heavily again. "I can't bear it anymore… Feeling all this... It's too heavy, I've never been so overwhelmed in my fucking life."

I was even more breathless after the outburst. Bella simply remained silent for a while, giving me time to settle down, I thought.

"I told you yesterday… I think you should talk to him…" She said slowly, carefully. "Open up and tell him the truth."

"I can't do this, Bells." My voice was alarmed. "He can't know."

"He's your best friend." She reminded me. "He's been there for you for everything. He's never judged you or even reprimanded you. Not even when you deserved it. I'm sure he'll listen impartially and will support you regardless of his opinion or feelings about it."

"He'll never understand…"

"How can you think that, Jay? If I understood I'm certain he will. Edward is the most compassionate and understanding person I know. He's almost too lenient for his own good, of course he'll understand anything you, that is, as he himself put it, his twin soul, for God sake!" She sounded a little annoyed and certainly skeptic. "Of course I know where you're coming from and I understand well your fears. It must not be easy to see yourself in such an unexpected situation like this, but… You know him better than any of us… You have to know he's never gonna push you away, no matter how he feels about all of it."

"Do you really think so?" I asked, feeling the jitters just by thinking about the possibility. "What if he gets angry at me?"

Bella laughed. "And why would he get angry?" she asked rhetorically. "It's not your fault you like him this way. Besides… Jay, you guys have no secrets from each other. I'm sure you still remember what happened when one of you kept a secret from the other. You two almost screwed up your friendship. You can't hide this from him, this is too big."

"I know! I know that, and I don't want to keep this from him."

"He deserves to know."

"Yes. But… How can I even do this, Bell? I can't simply get there later today and spill everything at once, he's gonna freak out."

She took a moment in silence and I waited, cracking my knuckles the whole time.

"OK. You're right, you can't just go and tell him. But you can't postpone it either, not anymore, Jay. This is only going to get worse…" she paused and I heard her shifting again. "Maybe you guys could go somewhere, alone. You could say to him that you need to talk and ask him to go with you to, I don't know, the lake, maybe? It's your place anyway, you guys always spend time there."

"And then what?" I questioned nervously. "I simply throw the bomb?"

"Well, yeah… I guess. There's no way to smooth this up. You'll still have to say the words, Jay."

I closed my eyes and inhaled. Then I exhaled forcefully, feeling the anxiety growing in my stomach. My mind flooded with questions...

Would I have the courage? I mean, I used to tell him everything but… Could I tell him this? That I wanted him? This way? And what would happen next? Would he accept everything easily or would he start to be weird around me?

What about our move? Would this change his mind about living with me in Providence?

"Jay, are you still there?" Bella's voice reached me, and I realized I was quiet for some time.

"Yeah, I'm… I'm here… It's just…"

"You're afraid. I know." She sighed. "But I'll be there with you if you want. I think it's better if you two talk alone, but, if you're really feeling so insecure I can be by your side."

"Thanks, sweetie. But I have to think if I'm really gonna do this and how…"

"Jay, it's…"

"I know it's the only way, Bell, I just need time to assimilate all of this… It's been crazy since my birthday and I…" I heaved. "I really need to make a decision, and you helped me a lot, you have no idea but… I need to think some more."

"OK." She accepted. "Will you still go to his house later? For the barbecue."

"You guys agreed on ten o'clock, right?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be there."

"Great. I'll wait for you. Bye then."

"Bye Bell. Thanks again, and I'm sorry for waking you up so early."

"Don't worry. For you I'm always available, you know that. See you later."

"See you then, sweetie."

We hang up and I laid down on my bed again, trying to wrap up my thoughts around the possibilities, around possible outcomes, and make a decision.

But I think I was so overwhelmed by the whole situation, and so tired for not sleeping at all the previous night that, last thing I knew I was waking up with my cell phone ringing by my side.

I took it in a hurry, without seeing who was calling me or the time it was. I simply answered.

"Jasper." I said on the phone.

"Won't you come?" His voice sounded cautious.

I breathed deeply before answering, my heart immediately racing. "Of course I'll go. What time is it?"

"Almost noon." He sighed. "What happened?"

"I've just woken up." I explained concisely. "I couldn't sleep last night…"

He was silent for a moment. "Why?" He whispered, and I kinda hesitated. "Thinking too much?" I had the impression he was testing me subtly.

I inhaled and assumed that was my cue.

"Actually, yeah." my voice sounded determined. "We need to talk."

Say this sentence to him brought a terrible feeling of termination. I didn't know where it came from, but I shook it off anyways.

"We do." His tone was grave and kind of apprehensive.

"Can we… Go… Somewhere?" I asked, feeling pretty much like the inexperienced teenager I was not that long ago. "It's kind of private, so I think it's better if it's only the two of us."

I heard him taking a deep breath.

"Sure. Do you want me to pick you up?" Maybe it was just an impression, but he sounded really nervous.

"No, I'm… I'm going there. I need to take a shower and…"

The truth was, I needed time to prepare myself for what I was about to do. As always, Edward got it without my saying.

"OK, I'll wait." He said before I could complete my sentence.

"I won't take long." I don't know why I said that.

"Take your time, Jay." I could identify the softness in his attitude, even through the phone. And I could also sense that he wasn't only talking about the time I'd take to get there. "I'll be here. You know that." And that confirmed my thought.

We hang up and I went to the bathroom. I stopped in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection.

Physically I didn't seem different. But on the inside everything was completely changed…

I sighed and concentrated in my eyes. There was something in them, but I couldn't identify what. They seemed bigger, lighter or glowing more than usual…

Could he tell?

I was afraid he could. He knew me better than anyone, sometimes I suspected that he knew me even better than I knew myself. Could he see it in my eyes? That I was into him?

I shook my head. This sentence was so strange...

"I'm into him." I repeated out loud to my reflection.

It didn't seem to convey all that I felt for him. .. It seemed so... Insufficient.

I spend some more minutes there, looking deep into the green depths of my own eyes, trying to figure it out. But the longer I tried, the more anxious I got so, I decided this was something I'd have to think about later.

I took a shower, got dressed and then hurried up to go to Edward's house. I said a fast goodbye to my mom, warning her I would be at Edward's, and she simply smiled widely. I sent her back a smile and she winked. Thank God my "dad" was in training camp.

From the time I told Edward I was going and the moment I really left my house almost forty minutes had passed, so I decided to ride my bike, just because I didn't want to run (what I usually did to get there) but didn't want to take more time to see him either.

The ride there was fast. In less than eight minutes I was entering the Cullen's property and was heading for the garage, where I left my bike. Since I knew everybody was at the pool, I took the path to the backyard. I was just turning the corner when I saw them.

Edward was leaning against the house wall, near the kitchen's outer door, and Rose was in front of him, really close to his body. She had both her hands on his chest, and he was holding her wrists. I couldn't tell if he was pulling or pushing them.

My whole body got rigid. My heart started to pound so fast I knew my breathing was getting labored. I hid.

I leaned on the corner and peeked, trying to listen to them, feeling this anger, this killer jealousy…

"He's your brother." Edward said in a calm voice. "And my best friend."

Great. They were talking about me. What did it mean?

"But you do like me, don't you?" My sister asked, and of course I recognized that too sweet voice she used to get things her way. She also got impossibly closer to him, what made me clench my fists.

I felt like I was about to choke or vomit, but I needed to hear his answer. Based on my suspicions, I had a pretty good idea about what that would be, but I needed a confirmation. So I took a deep breath while his voice sounded clear enough.

"I do like you, Rose…" He said smiling.

And then, they were kissing.

I turned to where I came from, abruptly. I couldn't take that scene. I felt instantly betrayed. By both of them, but mainly by Edward. He didn't know how I felt for him but he knew I didn't want him with Rosalie. He was being disloyal once more…

Memories from our rupture flooded my mind…

He had betrayed me before… He had known about Alice when I caught her cheating on me. He'd known all along but never told me anything… He had simply watched as I was fooled by the demon pixie's act. He let me be deluded when he could have been a loyal friend, when he should have warned me, prevented me from suffering all the hurt I had to face afterward.

I could see it all again… A replay of our fight. The first fight we had ever had until then. The harsh words I said to him, the accusations, the screaming… The way he tried to explain and I didn't let him, until he lost his composure and started to scream back at me… The way we angrily stared at one another by the end… The way I broke off things between us…

The same feelings came back to me. The feeling of betrayal… The dread. I knew what I had to do.
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