"De Súpito (Last Call)"
Autor: Astha Corrêa | Publicado: 2012-12-16T16:00:00Z

Pronto. Então é assim que acontece. Sei que é muito maior do que o normal, mas é mesmo para ser assim.


Now direi mais nada,

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" - Leonor Fernandes Lopes da Graça Amorim!

Baixo a cabeça e solto um leve suspiro, confiante que ninguém o vira.
Levanto lentamente o olhar e desvio uma madeixa do meu cabelo acaju para trás
da orelha «Não me disseste que ficavas comigo?!».

Quase que aceno com a cabeça. Contenho-me e, inspirando uma lufada de ar,
abano a cabeça e esforço-me por soar credível o que digo a seguir «Não».

Esta simples palavra pode parecer difícil de ser confundida por o que quer
que for e, ainda assim, a Patrícia consegue olhar-me de sobrolhos cerrados,
braços cruzados, apoiada numa perna «Ah pois e eu sou o Pai Natal»

Solto uma gargalhada e, quando dou por isso, já é tarde para evitar o olhar
da Mariana «Onde vai a menina Amorim?» e perceber que não tenho outra saída.

Eu queria esconder isto o mais que podia. Não queria divulgar a ninguém que
tivesse acesso à Rita o facto de eu me encontrar regularmente todos os dias com
o Gonçalo. “Já me basta a Mafalda…” Não quero mais problemas.

Decerto que não tenho outra escolha. Vou ter que contar à Patrícia e esperar
que ela compreenda que é algo a se manter em segredo… Espero que sim, deposito
toda a minha confiança nela “e espero que não seja em vão…”.

- Vou ter com o Gonçalo.

A Mariana arqueia a sobrancelha num rápido movimento e a Patrícia inclina a
cabeça para o lado. Os rostos delas ecoam «Gonçalo…»
como se o nome nada lhes dissesse, e fosse um nome ao calhas que ouviram pela
primeira vez, até a Mariana arregalar os olhos e exclamar um mudo ‘Ah!’.

Baixo o olhar, chuto uma pedrinha que, ao invés de mover com o meu bruto
gesto, continua onde está. “Hum”… Nem isto consigo mover…

A Patrícia, depois de se aperceber do que se passa mas esconder o
estupefacto que lhe espalha, aos poucos, pelo rosto, evita as perguntas que a
Mariana não se preocupa em silenciar, apenas pedindo-me que lhe explique em
concreto o que tem acontecido.

Cruzo os braços por cima do meu casaco branco de Inverno, criando um
embaraço ainda maior do meu cachecol bege em torno do meu pescoço, contendo-me
por não exagerar nem contar nada desnecessário.

Neste último ano e meio, aprendi que nem tudo deve ser contado. Nem tudo
precisa de ser divulgado. Nem tudo devia ter a importância que lhe conferi…
Suspiro.

É por isso que estou na situação que estou, disse-me o Gonçalo uma vez, é
por ter considerado algo banal sendo extraordinário, quando o que deveria ter
feito era afastar-me e perceber que as coisas não eram exactamente como diziam
ser.

O António começara a recitar poemas, passagens de livros, a comentar tudo o
que lhe convinha, sem que eu percebesse metade das metáforas e analogias que
ele pronunciava, só para no fim gritar-me que não devia confiar tanto no
Gonçalo.

Mas, se for sempre a respeitar a sua opinião, nunca me viria livre desta
situação. Se tivesse ignorado o Gonçalo, e tivesse confiado na Mafalda, a minha
depressão ter-se-ia arrastado por muitos mais dias…

A Patrícia abraça-me num aperto dos seus braços envoltos na minha mochila, vejo
pelo canto do olho a desaprovação da Mariana. Logo percebo que ela partilha
opiniões com o António.

O certo é que não posso sempre satisfazer todos. Não posso, para sempre,
pôr os sentimentos dos outros à frente dos meus…! É por isso mesmo que estou
onde estou.

“Não mais!” Chega.

O Universo já me castigou o suficiente pelas decisões dos outros.

Afasto-me em direcção à estação de comboios. Recebo uma mensagem, mas
ignoro o seu conteúdo. Que me interessa…?! Se quero sobreviver neste mundo,
neste novo mundo que, aparentemente, mudou as cores do meu céu, vou ter que
aprender a viver sozinha.

Sem Mafalda, sem António.

Sem ninguém que se torne dependência dos meus sentimentos, que se torne
droga e vício para os meus pensamentos. “Hum” Tudo isto soa-me na mente com a
voz e intuição do Gonçalo. Não significa isso que também dever-me-ia livrar
dele igualmente?

Entro no comboio, encosto-me à parede. Suspiro… A verdade é que não quero
viver sozinha. Tenho saudades da minha casa em banda. Tenho saudades daquele
rosto contente e contagiante que me entrava todos os dias pela janela, tenho
saudades das tardes, das manhãs, das noites que partilhei com todos eles
naquela nossa infância perfeita.

Quero tudo isso de volta. Quero mesmo tudo de novo, desejo do fundo do meu
coração poder reviver tudo e anular todos os erros que me levaram ao dia de
hoje.

Por muito que me custe dizê-lo, o que desejo acima de tudo é poder corrigir
aqueles erros e felicidades que me fizeram chegar à situação de apanhar este
comboio para me encontrar, pela quinta vez nesta semana terminada, com o
Gonçalo.

O meu telemóvel começou a vibrar incessante no bolso das minhas calças,
atendi ao mesmo tempo que o comboio arrancou daquela plataforma «’Tô?».

Fez-se silêncio e não sei se o problema é de estar no comboio, ou se é da
linha de chamada «’Tô?». Oiço um pequeno ruido por detrás, reconheço os sons
que ecoam do outro lado da linha. Isto já me aconteceu.

- Léo--

É tudo o que oiço. Não sei o que acontece, não me apercebo do que se segue,
quando a minha mochila voa para o fundo da carruagem.

Estou confusa perante o ruído de estrondo que oiço, perante o telemóvel que
se solta da minha mão e voa para o tecto do comboio, perante as poucas pessoas
em meu redor que vejo caírem, embaterem, segurarem-se e temerem pelas suas
vidas.

Estou confusa quando vejo tudo se partir, quando oiço gritos, quando oiço
estalidos, quando sinto nas minhas costas pedaços de vidro, quando sinto o
escorrer de um líquido frio e espesso pela minha pele.

Estou confusa quando percebo que as minhas pernas não se encontram no chão
quando dou por mim a manobrar quedas e estranhos movimentos pelo comboio que
gira e trambolha.

Estou confusa quando quero entender o que se passa e começo por ver o chão
azul do comboio girar da vertical e lentamente se tornar no meu horizonte,
quando o último reflexo de luz que vejo ilumina uma mancha avermelhada em
contorno dos meus cabelos acaju já sujos e embaraçados num líquido pegajoso
preto.

…………"


Alright. So here it how it goes. I know that it is alot bigger than the usual, but it is supposed to be that way.

I won't say anymore than this,



" - Leonor Fernandes Lopes da Graça Amorim!

I low my head and loose a soft sigh, positive that no one saw it. I lift slowly my gaze and pull away an auburn tress behind my ear «didn’t you say you’d stay with me?!».

I almost wave with my head. I restrain myself and, inhaling a breath of air, I shake my head and I strive to sound reliable when I say «No».

This simple word can seem hard to be confused with whatever else and, even so, Patrícia can look at me with her eyebrows clenched, with arms crossed, supported on one leg «Yeah right and I’m Santa».

I loose a laughter and, when I realise it, it’s already late to avoid Mariana’s gaze «Where you’re going miss Amorim?» and notice I don’t have any other choice.

I wanted to hide this as much as I could. I didn’t want to reveal to no one with access to Rita the fact that I’m frequently meeting with Gonçalo. “Mafalda’s already enough” I don’t want any more problems.

Certainly I don’t have any other way out of it. I’m going to have to tell Patrícia and wait that she understand it’s something to keep secrecy… I surely hope so, I’m entirely trusting her “and I’m hoping it won’t be in vain”.

- I’m going to meet Gonçalo.

Mariana arches her eyebrow in a quick move and Patrícia tilts her head to the side. Their faces echo&nbsp;«Gonçalo…»&nbsp;as the name meant nothing to them, and it was just a random name they were hearing for the first time, until Mariana eye-popped and yelled a dumb ‘Ah!’.

I look down, kick a small rock that, instead of moving with my rude action, stayed where it is. “Hum”… Not even this I can move…

Patrícia, after realising what was happening but hiding the astonished that spread, little by little, on her face, avoids questions that Mariana isn’t as worried to silence, simply asking me to explain to her what had happened exactly.

I cross my arms above my white Winter coat, creating an even bigger rub with my beige scarf around my neck, restraining myself from exaggerating or telling anything unnecessary.

In this last year and a half, I learned not everything is meant to be told. Not everything needs to be uncovered. Not everything needed the importance I gave them… Sigh.

That’s why I’m on this situation I am, Gonçalo told me once, because I considered something banal as being something extraordinary, when what I should’ve done was get away and realise things weren’t as they say they were.

António started reciting poems, quotes form books, commenting everything that suited him, without me understanding half of his&nbsp;metaphors&nbsp;and analogies,&nbsp;just to in the end scream at me that I shouldn’t trust Gonçalo so much.



But, if I’d always to respect his opinion, I’d never see myself free from this situation. If I had ignored Gonçalo, and had trusted Mafalda, my depression would’ve dragged itself for many more days…

Patrícia hugs me in a tight of her arms around my backpack, I see on the corner of my eye Mariana’s disapproval. I immediately understand he shares opinions with António.

Certainly I cannot satisfy everyone. I can’t always put others feelings ahead of mines…! This is why I’m in the situation I am in now.

“No more!” It’s enough already.

The Universe already punished me enough for other’s decisions.

I walk away toward the train station. I receive a message, but I ignore its content. What does it matters to me…?! If I want to survive in this world, in this new world that, apparently, changed the colours of my sky, I’m going to have to learn to live alone.

Without Mafalda, without António.

&nbsp;Without anyone that becomes dependence to my feelings, that turns into drug and addiction to my thoughts. “Hum” All of this sounds with the voice and intuition of Gonçalo. Doesn’t that means that I should too get rid of him?

I come in the train, I backed me to the wall. I sigh… The truth is I don’t want to live alone. I miss my townhouse. I miss that smiling and catchy face that used to come through my window every day, I miss the evenings, the mornings, the nights that I shared with all of them in our perfect childhood.

I want all of that back. I really want it all again, I wish from the button of my heart I could revive all of it and repeal all the mistakes that took me to the present day.

As much as it costs saying it, what I wish above it all is to be able to correct those mistakes and happiness that made me get to the situation of catching this train to meet, for the fifth time this finished week, with Gonçalo.

&nbsp;My phone started vibrating unceasing in my pants pocket, I answered at the same time the train moved away from that platform «Hello?».

It gets quiet and I don’t know if the problem is the fact that I’m on a train, or if it’s from the call line «Hello?». I hear a small noise behind, I reckon the sounds that echo on the other line. This has happened to me before.

- Léo--

This is all that I hear. I don’t know what’s happening, I don’t understand what’s going to follow when my backpack flies over to the corner of the carriage.

I’m confused toward the sound of a smash that I hear, toward the phone that loosens from my hand and flies to the ceiling of the train, toward the few people around me that I see falling, hitting, holding themselves and fearing their lives.

I’m confused when I see everything break, when I hear screams, when I hear cracklings, when I feel in my back broken glass, when I feel a cold liquid going through my skin.

I’m confused when I realise my legs aren’t on the floor, when I find myself&nbsp;maneuvering&nbsp;falls and&nbsp;strange movements&nbsp;by the&nbsp;train that&nbsp;rotates&nbsp;and falls.

I’m confused when I want to understand what’s happening and I start to see that the blue floor of the train is rotating from the vertical slowly till it becomes my horizon, when the last reflex of light that I see brightens a red stain around my auburn hair already dirty and tangled in a black sticky liquid.

…………"



So? What did happen to her? Is she delirious? Is it a dream? What happened to Leonor?! It's up to you to find out. I won't say anymore than this.
As usual,&nbsp; remember to comment with your thoughts and tell me if you 
liked it or not and, if not, what would you change (by visiting my new 
Facebook page 
http://www.facebook.com/blogastha?ref=notif&amp;notif_t=page_new_likes).

Então? O que acabou de lhe acontecer? Está a delirar? Está a dormir? O que aconteceu com Leonor?! Depende de vocês descobrir. Now direi mais do que isto.
Como
 é habitual,&nbsp; lembrem-se de comentar o que acharam e digam-me se 
gostaram ou não e, se não, o que mudariam (ao visitarem a minha nova 
página do Facebook 
&nbsp;http://www.facebook.com/blogastha?ref=notif&amp;notif_t=page_new_likes).