WTLO - Season 1: Stuck on you - Chapter 14 - A hurtful trip down memory lane
Autor: Lôa | Publicado: 2017-04-28T19:17:00-03:00


2:43

It's dark. Silent.

His body shivers slightly under the thin covers, but not due to the cool temperature that envelops him.

His head moves slowly to the left and he sighs heavily.

Jay, do you know who you're with?

His lips twitch a little, indecisive between a grimace or a smile. His eyes, under the eyelids, move rapidly while the scene replays.

Jay, do you know who you're with?

With the most important person of my life.

His body stretches, his long legs almost reaching the end of the bed. His free hand clutches the sheet as if his life depends on it, his lips part to allow the release of a weighted breath.

 Jay, do you know who you're with?

With the most important person of my life.

His head turns to the right, he sighs again. In his chest his heart is racing, pounding so strongly against his ribs it’s almost painful.

Jasper, what you’re doing?

Shhhh… Just… Let me kiss you… I really want to… Kiss you... Please.

Jay, do you know who you're with?

With the most important person of my life.

Lips meet slowly, hesitantly, behind his closed eyelids. They move languidly together under the heavy haze that keeps him, once again, in that past moment. 

Shhhh… Just… Let me kiss you… I really want to… Kiss you... Please.

With the most important person of my life.

In the present, his right hand frees the thin fabric and hovers over his parted lips. They are tingling with the phantom sensation, just as they tingled several days after that kiss. Then they finally decide to stretch in a subtle smile of faint happiness.

He turns his whole body to the right side, sighs and slips deeper into unconsciousness.


3:52

I’m sorry. This is not happening.

He exhales heavily, his knees coming to his chest as the dread takes him all over again.

But you do like me, don't you?

This time his lips are in no doubt, they twist into a grimace. His eyes move rapidly again, as his heart, while that moment unfolds once more.

I’m sorry. This is not happening...

Why not?

He turns his body upwards, his broad back tensing even before the contact with the mattress. His free hand comes over his bare chest to cover his heart in a failed attempt to protect it against the shattering that came later that fateful day.

But you do like me, don't you?

I do like you, Rose…

His fingers clutch his skin. Why is he letting it happen again?

He is not! 

Behind his closed eyelids he swiftly turns his face while both his hands fastly free her wrists to hold her shoulders, trying hard to be delicate despite his wanting to shove her body away from his as fast as possible.

 I’m sorry. This is not happening… Not today, and not ever.

Why not?

His eyelids flutter. He’s walking on the thin line between slumber and conscience. His heart is asking for a break, it wants him to end the torture, but his mind knows he needs this.

But you do like me, don't you?

I do like you, Rose…

I’m sorry. This is not happening… Not today, and not ever.

Why not?

Because of Jasper.

He lets out a trembled breath and turns again, lying prone in the middle of the bed and sinking deeper into the haze once more.

4:17

“I need you…” escapes from his mouth in a mumble, the sentence he wishes so desperately he'd had the courage to say in that message.

Behind his closed eyelids he sees the face of an angry angel, fuming while looking at him with deep ocean green eyes.

A trembled sigh makes his chest rise and fall widely. He turns his body until it's supine on the mattress. 

Hey, it's me.

He takes a deep breath, much as the one that he does so behind his eyelids. His free hand imitates the gesture he sees under the haze, and runs through his messy blond locks.

Please, come back. Or, at least, pick up the phone. Let's talk like the two adults we are, this is just a misunderstanding. 

“Pick up the phone, Jasper…” he whispers in an echo of what he repeatedly said to his cellphone in that occasion.

Just give me a chance to explain. Please. Don't shut me out. Nothing happened, I swear. I'm not interested in your sister. I wouldn't have ever been 'cause… 

I don't wanna talk to your voicemail… There's something I need to tell you. And it's important so… Call me when you get this.

“I need you…” He repeats in a sad murmur, just repeating the words he is saying to his cell phone, after hanging up the call, behind his eyelids. Words he thinks constantly, repetitively, exhaustively.

He tosses and turns until he feels slightly comfortable again… Curled up in a fetal position.

4:51

He’s lying there… In her bed. 

It could have been any bed… But he chose hers.

He’s lying there… In her bed.

He fucked her…

He’s really shaking now. It’s a replay of his reaction to the scene he is seeing again, with hurtful clarity, behind his closed eyes. He can see himself in Emmet’s car, waiting for him to come, while his inner voice repeats the terrible truth he just witnessed.

He’s lying there… In her bed.

He fucked her…

He doesn’t like her… He doesn’t want her… But he doesn’t want you, either…

He likes girls…

He’s straight…

He likes girls…

He fucked her…

The slumber is very light now… It’s almost lifting… It won’t last long, he can sense the consciousness taking the lead. And he actually wants to wake up… He needs to. His mind understands that he needs to process everything, he needs to go through all of it once more to assimilate. But his heart is in pain… A great pain that is forcing him to emerge from the haze, as soon as possible, to end that torment.

What do you want from me, Jasper? What do you really want from me?

He holds his breath for a second, dreading what he knows is coming… He’s almost awake now… The haze is fading…

What do you want from me, Jasper? What do you really want from me?

Your friendship.

Eyes wide open. He breathes heavily to compensate the brief moments he forbade his body to receive oxygen. He sits on his bed and waits a little until the disorientation lessens.

He is in his room. It’s dark. It’s silent. He’s alone.

His memories haunt him… He wants to forget but he just can’t. He leans on the headboard and closes his eyes, deliberately allowing the flood of remembrances to drown him... &nbsp;

…………………………………………..Edward……………………………………………...

At some point I fall asleep again. I feel so tired of everything…

My reality is not an easy one. I have made a decision and I can’t back down. But it’s so hard…

I don’t want to do this, and yet, I will. I have to. It’s the best way…

As I relax again, the flood of memories invade my dreams once more. It’s been like this since our fight, or, to be more precise and truthful, since I started deciding to put a stop to my suffering. 

I know they’re just dreams, I know it’s not real, it’s only my perfect memory working, but I feel as if I’m experiencing it all, all over again.

One week and two days…

Nine long and painful days.

We were on the road to Olympia, my dad and I, coming back from the airport, from our too-long-trip to Providence. And I was restless.

It was harder now, to stay away from him… After the kiss. 

That kiss… It changed everything to me… Everything that I felt for him somehow became a little more intense, more difficult to hide and contain. I was feeling kind of suffocated since that night, as if all my feelings were bubbling up, preparing to explode out of me…

I knew the kiss didn’t mean anything. It didn’t change the fact that Jasper wasn’t interested in me… Not in the way I was in him. He didn’t even remember it happening. 

I, on the other hand, was in love with him. That had been my reality for two years till then… I loved him. And it wasn’t going away. So, for me that kiss meant the world, made me feel like there was a chance, even if it was the slightest of chances. 

I was well aware I couldn’t keep my hopes up, but it was bigger than me, and I couldn't help it.. I knew that to him I was only his best friend, the person he trusted first and foremost, and there was nothing beyond complicity between us. But it didn’t matter. I was still hopeful. Even knowing I shouldn’t be.

“You’re awfully quiet.” my dad mentioned from the driver’s seat. “Anxious to see him?”

He could read me pretty well. Of course being my confidant helped him, he knew what I was going through, he'd known all about it since the very beginning.

I looked at him.

“Can’t help it.” I said in a sigh. “It seems harder now.”

My father smiled without looking at me, nodded and sighed.

“You just need to be patient. He’ll figure it out soon enough.” His voice was calm as always.

“I don’t know, dad…” I replied in a puff. “You know I don’t think he feels the same way for me. Besides, even if he did, I don’t think he would accept it very well.”

“Why you’re saying that? He’s not prejudiced, I’ve never noticed any attitude from him that indicated that.”

“No, he’s not… That’s not the problem.”

“So, what is the problem?”

“Besides the fact that he’s straight and isn’t interested in me?” I kind of grumbled. My dad looked at me briefly and rolled his eyes. “I told you what he told me that night…” I got a little embarrassed. It was just a little weird to remember kissing Jay while speaking with my father, even though he knew all about that night. 

“He told you he was afraid of his father.” my dad remembered. “Do you think this fear will prevent him from assuming his true feelings for you?”

“What true feelings, dad? I told you a million times…”

“Edward, he wouldn’t have kissed you if there hadn’t been something way more stronger than friendship between you two.”

“He didn’t know what he was doing.” I replied a little harsh. “He was so fucking drunk he almost passed out.”

“Language…” His tone was stern.

“Sorry.” Mine was ashamed. “What I mean is… He doesn’t even remember. And he didn’t seem aware of what he was doing and who he was doing it with.”

“You told me he answered ‘we kissed’ when you asked him why he wanted to know if you were gay.” He refuted my argument pointedly.

“He also mumbled about Bella being the only one, and about the brightness of the floor, and how his eyes were hurting and how he felt like he was spinning.” I huffed. “He wasn’t making any sense. As I said, he was totally out of it. He was so drunk he had a blackout. He never remembered any of it.” 

 My father sighed and smiled simply, unaffected by my argumentation. “Have you ever heard about how alcohol diminish our inhibitions? That people open up and show their true colors when they are totally drunk?” He looked at me and winked.

I shook my head in disagreement and looked outside the window, trying hard not to let my father’s words sink in and strengthen my hopes.

“I don’t know about you. But I have the impression things will soon change…” He spoke with mischief, ignoring that I was ignoring him.

I simply sighed and kept looking away, concentrating on the road that seemed to never end. I still had to wait another hour to see Jay…

Flashes of another memory transitioned my dream into another one… I was now in the middle of a nightmare, all my emotions boiling, blazing throughout my body, for seeing him that angry.

I didn't really understand his reaction. Jasper wasn't a jealous brother, he'd never been one, so, even having in mind that he did tell me he didn't want me with Rosalie, I couldn't grasp why he was reacting so strongly about a kiss that didn't even happen between me and her.

He was yelling at me, so furious for what he thought that had happened that he couldn't even stop and listen to me. I was taken aback to say the least, but I didn’t have even a split second to mull over his possible reasons. Because he wouldn’t let me say anything. I was trying to speak but he wouldn't let me. And I was increasingly desperate, because I was recognizing the path he was trailing…

I’d been there before… I’d heard that tone he was using, irate and offensive, and I’d testified that restless behaviour of his in another moment, a moment that I dreaded even to remember. He was seething… His hands in fists, his shoulders squared, his jaw set in a hard angle… His eyes were burning.

He was a time-bomb. And I was running out of time. 

I had to make him &nbsp;understand. Otherwise he would do the same thing he’d done before, and this time I wasn’t sure he would go back on his decision. He’d been so different, so edgy and touchy… The way he’d been acting lately made me fear he was on the verge of his breaking point. And one thing I definitely didn’t want was for him to break down. Jasper wasn’t a very strong person, and once he broke he would drag me down with him. Not intentionally, but he would. Because if he was hurt he would want to hurt… And since I had hurt him, he would turn to me and he would do the only thing that would break me… He would break us apart.

I stumbled through my words, I fought to explain but he wasn’t listening. 

I knew I had to say something… 

No, not something. I had to tell him the truth. That was the only way he would believe me, that was the only way he would understand I didn’t want his sister or anybody else, for that matter. 

So I tried… I tried to tell him. I was willing to open my heart and confess everything, but he was so far gone in his choler that I couldn't go through, I couldn't make him listen.

My heart was in my mouth. My throat was constricted and I felt cold all over. I was fastly panicking​, I felt dizzy. I was about to break. As he looked at me with that icy gaze, it dawned on me how this whole situation would end up… 

And so he said that dreadful sentence…

“Just… Be away from me from now on.” 

I could feel myself trembling deeply. My body swayed as I lost my balance suddenly.

My reaction was immediate. I didn’t even think, I just acted. My hand grasped his arm firmly and I turned him to me not very subtly.

I made the question, it actually slipped through my mouth without my conscious consent, but I didn’t really need to do that. I knew. I simply knew. He didn’t really need to say it for me to know what he meant. As I feared, he was breaking us apart. Again. He was leaving me again.

“I’m saying that we’re done.” he answered with his voice linear, unaltered. He was plainly decided. “I told you… Back then… When we made amends after that whole Alice shit… I was pretty clear when I asked you to be loyal, to tell me everything and not to hide anything from me again… I told you I wouldn’t forgive another time. Not another betrayal… And you did it. You did it again.”

“I didn’t.” My voice broke ridiculously due to my fear. I was aware I had to do something fast but I didn’t know what. My mind was spinning, I felt like I was inside a hurricane.

“We’re through, Edward.” His statement felt like a punch. And the hand that was firmly holding his arm before simply lost its strength. “And this time... We’re through for good.”

I could feel the blood rushing to my feet. For the briefest of moments I thought I could faint. I could feel a hole being ripped open right in the middle of my chest. I could feel the air leaving my lungs in a gush and making me breathless.

I was losing him, all over again, and it seemed that this time was definite. His voice, his stance, they seemed so impenetrable, he seemed so cold and determined, I had the feeling that was it. And I hadn’t even had the chance to make him see what he really meant to me…

I couldn’t lose him… I couldn’t let him go.

The first time it happened I was still shocked with the recent realization of my feelings for him, I was still confused and indecisive about what was happening to me, what I was supposed to do with all that, how I should behave, so I pretty much numbly accepted his decision for a while, and then, once I understood I couldn’t go on, I went after him… 

By then I would have never dreamed​ that one faithful day he would drunk kiss me, least of all that I would consider telling him that I had romantic feelings for him. By then I didn't have, yet, the dimension of how deep my love for him was.

But now I had. He had drunk kissed me, I had considered telling him that I was madly in love with him. I had full dimension of how deep my love for him was…

It was all different this time around. There had been moments, there had been signs… I wasn’t sure, but the stupid heart of mine had hope, it was holding on to the snippets of tenderness I had seen in his eyes more than once since his birthday… It was clinging to the long stares and deep meaningful silences we’d shared. It was telling me not to give up.

So as he turned again and walked in the door direction, I inhaled forcefully to be able to say what was suddenly lodge in my throat. I didn’t know if it would make any difference, but I let my despair talk.

“You’re being unfair and irrational. You’re not letting me explain. I didn’t do anything.” 

My voice sounded pleading, and my eyes were stinging, but Jasper couldn’t notice any of it. He just shook his head and took a step. I grew even more desperate. 

“Jasper, if you go through this door…” I tried to threaten, but it sounded just like another plea, at least in my ears. “...I won’t go after you like last time.” 

It was a void promise. The call I made fifteen minutes later proved it. I would never be able to do that, but I was so hopeless I let out the first thing that came to my mouth. I was so afraid of losing him that my instinct took action, but unfortunately in the worst possible direction.

No one should ever defy Jasper Hale… Pride had always been his frailty, his Achilles' heel. One could convince him of doing pretty much anything if knowing the right buttons to push. But if one defied him… Well… Then he would do exactly what he understood that was least expected from him.

So his reaction was cold and distant. He was totally detached when he pretty much retorted without even looking at me.

“Fine.” he replied in a lifeless voice.

The termination on his tone was so potent that, even in my memory, even from inside my dream (or, better saying, nightmare) it resonates around me, smashing me, oppressing me, taking my breath away, just like it did when it really happened.

I wake up again, this time unable to go back to sleep.

My heart hurts so much that I don’t even try to move. My face is wet, tears are pooling in my eyes… I know I cried while reliving our fight, just like I cried that day for everything that I thought it could have been but never was, for losing something that I actually never had. I never had a chance. I was just fooling myself, even when trying to be rational, logical, even when discouraging the stupid hope that insisted in growing inside me despite my effort to ignore it.

It all comes back to me now… the signals I misunderstood. All the moments that I mistakenly thought there was something​ transpiring between us revolve now in my head…

I remember his birthday. The way that I let my facade slip so many times and simply looked at him for far longer than I should have… I remember being so caught up in my musing, wondering how it would feel to run my fingers through his hair, that I simply ignored my best judgment and confessed I liked it better the way it was, longer… I was so lost in my desire for him, so dazzled by the beauty of the so many dimpled smiles that he offered me along that day, that I let my mask fall when he turned to me and then I tried, consciously, to convey through my eyes how I wanted so much more than his friendship. I remember how, at that exact moment, the ocean green of his eyes became deeper, darker, as he stared at me with defiance and something else I couldn't recognize written all over his angelic face… I remember how nervous I got and how I wanted for the whole world to disappear right then, so I could grab him and kiss him.

Kissing him...

The morning after the kiss replays in my head. 

I was disturbed. I was confused. I was hesitant. I was happy as hell. I was fucking scared. 

Feeling his eyes on me, even before I opened mine, spurted the unabashed hope that had arisen the previous night, but I restrained myself, with some difficulty, I may add, before any revealing word or attitude on my part would come out. 

But of course I failed when he started making questions about what had happened. I knew he could read in my traitorous face, that I could feel blushing, and in the way I was avoiding his piercing eyes, that I was omitting something. 

I answered his questions while praying profusely to all the gods of the universe so that he would not even come close to a question that would compel me to reveal what had happened between us. I was relieved once I was sure he had his usual alcoholic blackout. A relief that wavered for a moment, when he tried to joke about our close relationship (barely knowing that being his boyfriend was all I really wanted), but then it was fastly settled in my mind that he was unaware of our brief nightly exchange, even though deep down inside I had wanted for him to remember everything, just so I would be sure of why he’d kissed me.

I sighed… That was really a very defining moment. But there were others…

There was this moment, when I arrived from Providence, after he said he’d missed me (surprising the shit out of me) and I returned the sentiment, that we were locked in each others’ eyes…

“I missed you.” He whispered out of the blue. 

I really don’t know what I showed through my facial expression, but I felt abruptly perplex.

He said he missed me? I thought to myself.

He ducked his head as soon as the words were out in the open, the deep blush on his cheeks telling me how embarrassed he was and making me certain that he hadn’t intended to say that out loud. &nbsp;

I was astounded. Before that night we’d had our moments, of course, we were friends since forever, therefore it was normal to demonstrate some caring once in awhile but, nothing had ever been so outright, so sincere, so… Clear.

“I missed you too, Jay.” I heard myself finally saying the sentence that was choked &nbsp;in my throat since I travelled to Providence. The sentence that I desperately wanted to have said when I called him on the prior Friday. I said it with all that I had, hoping he could identify the feeling through my statement.

He turned his head to me, seeming surprised but very careful, almost wary. I tried to convey my feelings through my gaze, hoping he would see how much he meant to me, how much I wanted him to be with me, how much in love with him I was…

Surprisingly, I wasn’t afraid… I didn’t know why, but I wasn’t scared of him finding out about my feelings, not the way I usually was. 

His eyes were wide open, crystal clear to me. I wasn’t sure about what he was trying to show me, if he was trying to show me something, but there was this intensity… And so I lost myself in them. His perfect, beautiful green eyes took my breath away, numbed my mind, faded everything around us, while this energy started to pulse between us. 

I knew I couldn’t hold it in for too long. Not with him looking at me like that. I was certain that, if he kept that up, I would confess everything… And I was hoping so bad he would keep it...

Time suddenly seemed nonexistent. The world stopped spinning. Even the air seemed stagnant. I couldn’t blink, I couldn’t divert my eyes from his, I wanted to kiss him so bad… I wanted to tell him the truth.

I can’t precise how long we looked at each other, exchanging something so powerful I couldn’t name it. I could feel my heart in my ears, so fast and strong it was beating… I couldn’t hold it in any longer…

So I prepared myself to say the words...

I heave a weighted breath remembering how that end up. Jay’s mother showed up as the words were practically slipping through my lips… I don’t know if I’m relieved or angry that she interrupted our moment. To be truthful, I’m not even sure if that was really a “moment” or if my willing mind fabricated all that. 

Reliving it all right now makes me wonder what would’ve happened if I had told him the truth… I know he would’ve never reacted badly to my confession, because he is an essentially good person, he has such a pure heart and an innocent soul, he would never judge or rebuke anyone, especially not me. But, considering he recently slept with Alice, I also know he would’ve never given me any hope.

I lay on my side on the mattress and hug my pillow, pressing it against my chest in a vain attempt to ease the feeling of emptiness inside my heart. I close my eyes tightly. I squeeze them shut so I see nothing. But it makes no difference. I’m still aching, I still feel hopeless and lonely, mostly lost.

I think and rethink about that day… All the explicit signs I let show, my skepticism regarding his unawareness… Is it really possible he has never noticed the way I look at him, treat him, talk to him, prioritize him? He is inattentive, naive mostly, but… I’ve exposed myself so much this past weeks, and even before, that it puzzles me how he hasn’t figured it out yet. 

I think about later that same day, in Emmet's car… Once more I was about to disclose the reality of how I feel towards him… It was so close… The sentence was in the tip of my tongue when he asked me why I had to be so protective of him… And then again when he insisted, seeming a little suspicious, asking why I had drunk. Emmet interrupted both times, calling me insistently. But to tell the truth, I kinda used the interruption to avoid the situation… I wanted to tell him but, at the same time, I didn’t. I was insecure because I was thinking he had been with Bella minutes before, so I didn’t feel like that was the best moment to open up my heart to him.

But his gaze haunted me. The way he looked at me when he affirmed I was too protective of him… The softness in his voice when he said I didn’t need to be... The gentleness in his green eyes when he asked me why after I’d confirmed I do need to be protective of him... The tenderness saturating his facial expression while I tried to gauge what was behind that simple question… It all made me feel so confused… ‘Cause I knew that meant love. It was love, written all over his face, but I couldn’t be sure what kind of love it was…

My heart had hoped… I tried hard to discourage myself, but it was useless… I hoped indeed. This impression that maybe he felt something but hadn’t realized it yet grew inside me, and it was fed by my father’s insistent words… 

So when I called him that fucking morning, and he told me we needed to talk, I was sure he’d found out about me. I had been careless, I had slipped so many times, I had let my feelings show for whomever wanted to see… 

I didn’t know if I was prepared, but by then I had considered telling him the truth so many times… 

But then it all happened… He saw that stupid kiss, he didn’t let me explain, he didn’t answer his phone… And then… He fucked Alice.

And that was it. That was the real sign I needed. With that I knew he would never be mine. I had been fooling myself… And it became crystal clear when we talked yesterday…

What do you want from me, Jasper? 

What do you really want from me?

I asked that question with my heart in my hands… If he felt something more for me, he would say so then… My question was direct, clear. It left no room for evasion.

So when he answered it I knew how deep I had drowned myself in my delusions...

 Your friendship.

He wanted my friendship. He did love me, I knew he did. I know he does. But it would never be the way I love him. Not even close...

I finally understood… They were all Illusions… Those “signs” were all illusions I made up in my tricky mind, longing pointlessly for a chance with the boy I love. He will never love me back. He will never want me like I want him. I can’t do this to myself anymore.

That’s why I decided to extricate myself from this torture, that’s the reason I’m distancing myself from him. Definitely.

I take a deep breath and assume to myself that my subconscious has been trying to dissuade me from my decision. I know that this part of me, the part that belongs to Jasper, that will always belong to him, is trying desperately to convince me to stay through those dreams, through the ache I feel stronger every time I visualize myself away from here. 

I don’t want to do this, but this is what I need. This is what my sanity needs. If I want to have a chance at being happy some day, then I have to detache, I have to move on.

I am completely aware of what I’m doing. I’m going to go further on his first resolve. I’m breaking us apart, once and for all. Because that makes sense. We never made sense. Not in the way that I longed for, for more than two years. Being apart is the best option, because then I won’t delude myself anymore, I won’t keep hoping for something that’s impossible. I won’t hurt when he goes on with his life and eventually finds some girl to fall in love with.

I know it will hurt. Far more than it already is… But I’m strong. I’ve been keeping up with frustration, sadness and jealousy for some time now, so I know I can pass through this. It will take a while… And I will never stop loving him, this much I know. But I’ll be able to live with this and be OK eventually. I just need to get myself out of this context.

And that’s what I’m doing.

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