The great Adventures of "My Lord" and Rigby - Chapter I
Autor: Jefferson Sato | Publicado: 2010-12-03T16:06:00-02:00

When I was a kid my grandma used to tell me stories and the best one was actually a tale. The most incredible tale of all times (homenagem ao anônimo PhD em língua inglesa. Parabéns! Comemore!). It tells the adventures of two brave men searching for the biggest treasure ever heard in Britain called "The Equilibrium". Let me tell you the first part of this outstanding tale.

Sir William Rigby was born in York in the great year of our lord of 1336. His mother died when he was only one year old by a mysterious disease. His father got killed in a middle of a hunt in the Chapotri's Forest. Some people say his father was murdered, but that could never been proved. The only thing we know is that his body was found in the forest after two days he went out to hunt deers.

The fragile baby Rigby at the time was sent to an orphanage, where he met a girl named "Bably". She was not an ordinary person, for she had strange powers and because of that she had to leave the place accused of witchery. It is pretty odd, because she was only five years old at the time. The last notice tells she was left in the Woods of Castlebond, a place near York.

Rigby had luck. The great lord of York took him to his cares, saying that Rigby was sent by the Gods to "make the legends come true". So Rigby was raised by the great lord of York: known as "My Lord". Rigby never knew the real name of his master.

My Lord taught Rigby many things like art, literature, chemistry, latin, french and, of course, how to be a warrior. He became the finest swordsman in all England when he was only 17 years old, and a very faithful servant.

Rigby loved My Lord, not only because he was his master, but because My Lord took good care of him at his childhood. He fought against many diseases when he was a kid. Many hardships he had, it's true, but the love of My Lord healed him. They loved each other like if they were connected by Gods, that's what I have been told. Let's hear their story.

In the spring of the great year of our lord of 1358, My Lord decided to ride his horse into the Woods of Castlebond, a very dangerous forest, indeed. But My Lord had nothing to fear, for he had Rigby, who at the time was the mightiest man in all Britain. Rigby developed his skills and his muscles at the greatest level. No one could beat him, and he knew that.

The reason they wanted the treasure was to get advantage against My Lord’s biggest rival at the time, Beandro MacLado. They were both fighting frequently for power to become the greatest landlord of Britain.

Everything was fine. The two friends were talking and laughing. Rigby told a joke, it was about a very dumb shit girl who lives in the small shire of "Carron". Her name was “Feline” and although she have been studying latin for four years, she didn’t knew the difference between fasting and hunger strike, a total wasted.

My Lord laughed so much at Rigby's joke that he almost fell from his horse. But something broke the peace in the woods. A very strange laugh was heard. Immediately Rigby drew his sword to protect his master, but the silence came again.

"Faithful Rigby, what was that? Thank God you're here to protect me", said My Lord.

After some minutes of silence, the laugh could be heard again, but this time something even odder happened: a voice was whispering something really scary.

"Come see me dancing... Please come see me dancing now! I'm just finishing to eat, please, I just learned some moves from Arabia", said the voice.

"I don't know what you think, My Lord, but that sounds pretty fucked up to me! It makes me remember the girl I met at the orphanage", said Rigby.

"Hum, is it true, Rigby? What shall we do? Let's go search for that voice in the woods", My Lord responded. Rigby felt at his knees and said that he would follow My Lord's order.

After an hour walking, they saw the girl. She had the most horrible face in this world and was really fat.

"Do you want me to dance?", she asked.

Rigby got shocked. "My Lord, that is the girl from the orphanage I told you before! DO NOT LOOK AT HER BELLY WHILE SHE DANCES! IF YOU DO THAT YOU WILL BECOME AN INDIE", he warned.

*Note: Indie at the 14th century in England was the person who keep saying to others that they were intelligent, though they never had been in a school and didn't knew how to read.

"Holy fucking shit, Rigby! I'd rather die than become a fucking twisted shit indie!", My Lord answered.

"I know my lord, I know."

The girl started to dance and to make her arabian moves. The brave men were trying to run, when she teleport in front of them, giving a small jump and saying "hi". It was too late for My Lord, that small jump made him barf and gave enough time for Bably to perform another dance with arabian moves, making My Lord look at her freaking belly.

Rigby got pissed. "Noooooooooooo", he yelled. "What you did to My Lord? He became an indie! What you did to him? You took his dignity!"

"There are two ways of saving your master: the first one is to fuck me and the second is kill yourself, dropping your blood at my beautiful belly", Badly said.

Rigby took his sword to cut his head off when Bably suddenly attacked him, breaking the sword.

"I thought you would be brave enough to fuck me, because no one have this courage!"

"I'd prefer to take my arrows and stick them all into my ass without vaseline!", said Rigby bravely.

Bably started to cry and said: "Well, I shall never let you kill yourself, then. I'm gonna make you an indie!"

A great battle took place in the woods between Rigby and Bably. Rigby closed his eyes not to look to her disgusting belly. She had the ability of teleporting, and that made the things really hard to the great warrior. Besides, Rigby didn't had his equipament, for she destroyed his bow, his arrows and his sword. The only thing he had was a picture of his love, Shassley, a young maiden who lived in his master's castle. He looked at the picture and made a promise: “I won't die in this forest with this scumbag dancing this crap in front of me! I will be back to you, my dear."

The biggest problem to Rigby was that he didn't knew Bably's weak point, so he went to her house trying to find something. She followed him, dancing and making the arabian moves.

When Rigby got into the house, he saw food all over the place, a small radio and the Amelie Polain's DVD. Analyzing the place, he realized how he could win the battle. He remembered that Bably hated a small girl at the orphanage named Zelda. So he said: "You fucking bitch! You just do those things because you feel jealous, just because Zelda was thin and you are fat!"

That was really her weak point.

"Nooooooooooooooooooo", she screamed, "I am a dancer and I'm noooot faaaaat! I just wanna dance, but nobody likes it!" Rigby's words wounded her body, like if they were arrows crossing her nasty body. She fell, almost dead.

When Rigby recovered his bow and his arrows, he aimed into her belly to do the last hit, when she teleported to a distant place with her last strengths, saying: "This isn't over yet! One day you, My Lord and Beandro will think I'm better than Zelda!"

Rigby looked to the sky, praying to the gods: "Thanks for saving me from the devil", he whispered. My lord went back to normal and Rigby carried him out of the forest, going back to their castle. When My Lord woke up, Rigby told him what happened.

My Lord was concerned, because Bably was a really strong opponent. "You should have killed her, Rigby", he said worried.

"I beg for forgiveness, My Lord. Sorry for this shame. I'll practice harder my sword skills for the next time I face her. Don't you worry, I'm gonna kill that monster!", Rigby said.

"No, you did quite well there. At least I'm not an indie. Thank you, Rigby."

Rigby felt honored with the words of his master and gazed through the window. He looked to the forest where the battle happened. He thought he could hear Bably screaming for revenge and begging someone to watch her dancing.

To Be Continued...
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