Trinitrotolueno
Autor: Nina | Publicado: 2012-06-26T10:00:00-03:00

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Tá, eu sei. Eu que sou a tola. Sou eu quem cai sozinha. Quem
escorrega na casca de banana que não existe. Quem tropeça na pedra de Drummond.
A que ri quando não pode. Que diz o que não deve. Que chega pulando corda, na
casa do enforcado.

Eu sou a besta que não entende a piada. A que fala palavrão.
Que sorri pra foto com a alface no dente. Eu que bebo demais e falo mais do que
bebo. Piso de meias no piso molhado e meu salto fino encontra todos os
buraquinhos do caminho.

Sou eu a mal humorada. A mal amada e mal resolvida, também.
Sou bagunceira e não sei contar piada. Faço manha pra sair da cama. Faço bico
quando estou zangada e estou quase sempre bicuda com alguma coisa. Eu fico de
mal, fico de bem. Eu não fico.

Não gosto do Natal. Não acredito em fadas. Não sou humilde
porque já tenho outras qualidades. Sou orgulhosa e teimosa. Xingo com a mesma
facilidade com que respiro. Tenho medo do escuro. Não gosto do cheiro do meu
próprio cigarro. 

Não sigo a moda. Odeio maquiagem. Eu choro no final do filme
e me assusto com a cena de terror. Sou capaz de rir 192 vezes da mesma piada e
de conta-la errada todas elas. Não sou sutil, nem discreta. Menos ainda
simpática. Atraio a lei de smurf e tudo acontece comigo.

Sou assim. Simples assim. Essas são todas as minhas
qualidades. Detalhes hegemônicos da minha personalidade. Mas de todos os meus
erros, o maior de todos os defeitos, foi acreditar que ainda poderia sorrir.
Foi me superestimar ao crer que poderia viver sem um amor. Que aprenderia a
viver só.

Não. O maior foi me enganar. Foi crer desesperadamente no
amor. Mas não no amor real, porque esse não existe. Mas no amor idealizado. E
por covardia, medo, insegurança ou excesso de orgulho, acreditei infielmente
que poderia viver assim.

E do amor fizemos uma guerra. Da batalha, nosso túmulo. E de
você, eu fiz piada. Aquela que eu não entendo e que conto sempre errada. E
você, riu quando não podia: ao tirar-me, pedra, do teu cainho de Drummond.