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Autor: Udigu | Publicado: 2013-06-28T01:01:00-03:00

There was quite some nights, at the very end... I just lay down and cry myself to sleep. There used to be no hope, there used to be no safe place within my own private hell, i mean, bad days always come, and since you can still fight, you can still prevail, you can overcome those weakness, and at very least reborn as someone stronger. There is no silver lining up to now, and no good day to come, and i tell ya all, i've been waiting for years now.

Time keeps passing, time won't stop, no matter the pain i've been through.

And even knowing time won't stop passing by, nobody seems to understand me. I don't seem to understand myself. I'm always so confusing to death, i can't manage to figure out how to fix my fucking mind. A lot of negativity on this brief.

I've been thinking of so many... And so many past and futures i could been through.. Should "the" present turns out different. But it never does. I never does so far.

The shit is - i have a lot of people to help, a lot of people to be proud of me, and time won't stop. And, as my sister sadly but trully pointed out - they aren't gettin' any younger. (Hurt a lot to think about this, a lot.) =[

I think about this the whole day. Oh i do, i try to think on a way to get me out of this madness and do something, because, after all and after all things said, i still want to represent something in this existence. Life's short, and i ain't taking for granted we'll got another one.

No shit i think about this the whole fucking day, but, as it sadly appears so, i suck at EVERY FUCKING SHIT I'M INTO. I can never get anything done. I can never see the end of something started by me. How hypocrite of me. I don't know if i can blame depression alone anymore. fuck.

At this point i may even turn down and off all my dreams and hopes about the few people i knew, people i wanted them to be an important part of my life, all for the sake of helping the ones i already have, i'm already missing them, even though i see and talk to them everyday. My dreams and hopes never took me anywhere, anyway. Well, i sure wish i could come back here in the future just to say i'm in a way better place... but i trully don't give such possibility much credit. That said, i really miss things i never lived, i really miss a lot of people i never got to know as good as i wanted to. Part of that is surely my fault. It can't be helped... They're not going anywhere beside me, even if we could be togheter for an eternity. (Wich is something they would not like to....)

I got myself to come here and write all this shit down because i would scream othersie. I would curse myself at loud and clear... and people would finally begin to suspect i'm going mad. Thankfully i'm still in control of my emotions just well, having only this poor english to be sorry about.

28 and got nothing done so far. Well i do believe in miracles, and more so, i still, yes i still believe in myself. And of everybody i know on this world, on this existence, i'm really proud i haven't given up, i will not. A couple of years ago i managed to throw away all of my pride, but i did keep some for emergency purposes. I won't give up. Just need courage to move on. But won't give up. I will try again, and again, and again, and again, until the end.

I' wish to quote a song as usual, this one meaning a whole lot to me these days. Both song and band's been great to me. Song is Where the Wind Blow, band's been Ark.

""...Until the day that I die
I'll be waiting for sunrise--- Where the winds blow ------ That's where I'll go ---Down the river to the seaLike a blind man in a strange landWill I ever see the day?""

Still... No way out of this strange world.