Uma carta - 1
Autor: Hayssa H. | Publicado: 2011-07-22T08:10:00-07:00

"Hi there.You have told me that you are going to disappear forever, that, from now on, whenever I look for you, I would fail because you are not here anymore. I lost you, forever, from now on. May I type you some words?2010 was one of the best years of my life, probably on the top of my list, because I've met you. I, a stupid Crazillian nerd, who lived to playing RPG games online, I could find you, a Canadian, a stupid nerd too. Two sides of a continent, two persons who are so far, but so far. But this wouldn't matter right? We could have some money and visit each other, even if this could take so long, but yeah, we could do that... until we had our first split-up.You told me that your dream was becoming a soldier, but than, you asked me when I could go to Canada. Well, I have such a bad situation about money that it could be impossible to see you. Then you told me that you were going to Army, and, probably, passing 10 years there. To me, was alright. I could wait, or even, I could enjoy the moment with you. Well, no, that's wasn't the best option for you. You decided to split, and I was fine, in the first 20 seconds of this news. After this period of time, I just saw myself with a huge red face, crying the shit out of myself. How the hell a guy that I never met in real life had this much effect on me? I know why: because it was not just a "summer love", like you Americans say. It was true love, true, deep and full of emotion love. Then we come back because, well, being far from each other was pretty much difficult for us, don't you agree. And then we have ours "come and go" times. Until I, this pretty fucking stupid Brazillian, ruined it all. I don't need to tell you again the whole story, you know it detailed.I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why the faith I had gone away... it was just so perfect, and you made it everything pretty perfect, and I chose the fucking hardest part, that was giving up from it. We could have the best and most beautiful story, but I gave up from it, and I can tell that you ask yourself why I did this, why I had this choice, what was wrong?Nothing was wrong. The fear changed me. I'm not secure anymore, I'm not self-confident and now, I think I lost the capacity of love. I lost the trust I passed you every single day we were together... you know, Canadian, I'm the same, but without an essence in life. I'm a robot, as I told you in the last e-mails.Today, I saw your e-mail telling me that your best friend has passed away. I cannot say how much sad I am now, to be completely honest. She was the one capable to hold you in the worst moments, since I failed my part. I can guarantee you, please, if there is a promise I can keep, is that now she is happy because she is without pains. She is in a better place than we are now, believe me. This world is too much cruel for good persons like her. Like you. I wish I could be close to you this time, even if I'm not your girlfriend anymore, I wish I could hold you now and make you feel good, at least this time, make you feel protected. I cannot because I'm fucking lots of thousands miles away from you, and you told me I cannot find you anymore, after this e-mail. Once I felt impotent about our relationship, now I feel impotent for all that is related to you. I'm weak, so weak.You wished me happy birthday in this same e-mail. My birthday is in August 5th. You remembered it, but then you were not capable to send me the happy birthday e-mail on the date because you told me that you are going to disappear forever.  Why the hell, WHY THE FUCK YOU ARE DOING THIS??Yes, I'm not present. Since we broke up again, I disappeared, but I always told you and that you could believe on it, I WOULD ALWAYS BE HERE. I would always try to be with you whenever you need, because my love grown up to a point that wouldn't matter if you loved other person, if you married other person, I WOULD BE THERE. If you call, I can pick the phone for you, even if it was prohibited in a certain circumstance.I failed. I was the one who failed.But all this sad bullshit I'm talking isn't for to ask you sorry (I asked too much, don't you think?). Actually, my real point of this "letter" is to say some things that, if you want to truly disappear from my life, I want you to know.My dear Canadian, life is so short to spend on sadness. Life is so short that in some few days, I'm going to my 20 years without even have my childhood well wasted. We have different lives now, I'm here and you are in your place. You know, from now on I'm a bad memory for you. But that's fine because something you've learned from me, right? I was the one who lost faith, so, from now on, DO NOT lose you faith. Damn it, look how pathetic I am feeling now! Do not ever do this to you. You are using the ring you promised to your friend that you will use? Well, use it. It's her love for you that is on the ring. It's an extra power that you have now, to move on. Move on... it's hard and easy at the same time. You are a strong man, you can do this. I hope that you have the best for you. You diserve more than everybody I know, believe me.I hope that, someday, I could bring you smile to your face. I hope that the fact of meeting me make you realize how important is your life and how you have to make it worth. Keep the example of your best friend, that fought for her life until the very end of it. Do the same, love, laugh, cry, kick, feel pain, happiness, hope, faith, all of those things that compose the beautiful song of life.Good bye."