o herói, o vilão
Autor: Matheus Lobo Pismel | Publicado: 2012-06-01T16:39:00-03:00

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Que imbecil que eu sou! Pra que
é que fui inventar de me pintar nesta fantasia maldita?! Eu sei, eu sei que eu queria
chamar atenção na corrida, estava toda a comunidade vendo, tinha uns jornalistas
filmando... Se bem que, na verdade, queria mais era se lembrar da minha
infância, todo mundo sabe que o Hulk é meu herói preferido, nunca gostei desses
magrelos tipo homem-aranha e muito menos do casal Batman e Robin. É, mas e se
fosse, qual o problema de querer chamar a atenção? Pelo menos por um momento
deixei de ser só o cara que cuida de piscina do outro lado do asfalto. Tinha
criança que não parava de correr atrás de mim, teve uma até que me fez parar
(perdi umas dez posições por causa disso) pra pedir um autógrafo do Hulk! Meu
deus, isso não tem preço, quase chorei na hora. Quando que alguém, uma criança
que fosse, ia pedir pra um cuidador de piscina alguma coisa assim?!

Tudo bem, mas isso não
interessa nada agora, como sou bobo, nem por isso valeu a pena! Agora estou
aqui, com a pele toda, toda verde! Saio na rua e as crianças agora só dão
risada e isso ainda é o de menos, o pior é o pessoal todo mundo me olhando e
balançando a cabeça, como se eu fosse monstro de verdade! Será que eles acham
que eu realmente quero ser o Hulk pra sempre? Mesmo depois de 20 banhos a
porcaria da tinta não sai! E ainda tem o pior problema de todos: Como é que eu
vou trabalhar amanhã? Ainda bem que a corrida foi ontem e ainda tenho hoje pra
tentar me lavar, mas amanhã eu já tenho que ir pro trabalho. Se eu não for, meu
amigo, estou no olho da rua na hora, já fiquei sabendo que tem três na fila de
espera, como se o emprego fosse grande coisa... 

Aaaah, já sei! Nem vou pro
trabalho, vou ligar pro chefe amanhã mesmo e pedir a conta. Não aguento mais
ficar cuidando de criança mimada que quase se afoga todo dia. Eu vou é
aproveitar esta desgraça pra mudar a minha vida! Amanhã mesmo vou ligar pro
advogado aqui da ONG pra meter um processo nesta marca vagabunda de maquiagem.
Talvez até role processar o dono do mercadão de Madureira também. Que
maravilha! Como não pensei nisso antes? Capaz de tirar uns 200 mil! Já estou
até vendo a manchete no jornal: “Paulo Henrique do Santos é o novo milionário
do Complexo do Alemão”. Não, não, não! Não se iluda, moleque! Este tipo de
coisa demora pra cacete, ainda mais pra gente que é pobre, que a justiça é mais
devagar do que fila de hospital.

Falando em hospital, tenho que
me concentrar é na realidade. Durante a corrida, eu lembro que tive uma coceira
danada. Até agora estou sentindo meu braço meio estranho. Será que esta
maquiagem está me dando alergia? Meu deus, o pior é que nem sei se a minha pele
está vermelha de irritação, está tudo verde! 

A culpa é do vendedor. Quando
cheguei ao mercadão, eu perguntei pra ele: “Seguinte, quero uma tinta verde pra
me pintar de Hulk”. Mas claro que não era pra ser pra sempre, e o cara me dá
esta porcaria que não sai de jeito nenhum. Paguei 37,90 em cada lata, que
prejuízo... Pelo menos não tive que comprar a farinha de trigo, que tinha lá na
casa da Silvinha, minha vizinha.

Farinha, a cola de farinha!
Como sou injusto, já ia culpando o pobre do vendedor. A culpa é da Silvinha,
ela que fez a mistura da tinta verde, ela que botou farinha na mistura! Só pode
ser isso, agora estou todo colado de tinta de verde de farinha. Vou matar a
Silvinha! Não, que isso? Quem vê pensa que sou vilão, e não sou super-herói. Eu
vou só dar um esporro muito grande nela, que é uma querida, que não merece
ouvir nada disso. Eu não vou brigar nem nada. Ponto. Só vou ter uma conversa
séria. Nossa, que saudade que bateu da Silvinha agora. Pensando bem, ela foi
muito querida por ter ficado o dia inteiro (das 9 da manhã até 7 da noite) me
ajudando a fazer esta fantasia. Será que ela comentou alguma coisa da farinha?
Agora não importa. Melhor se esquecer desta história, o importante que eu quero
fazer uma visita para ela. Não, mas eu preciso lembrar pra saber porque é que
esta tinta não sai, pra saber como que voltar à forma humana, cacete! Ou
melhor, agora só preciso saber o culpado!

Quem é que mandou misturar
farinha na tinta, cacete?!

Bom, eu – sei lá... É, melhor
esquecer mesmo. Nem vou tocar mais neste assunto. Estou indo pra casa da
Silvinha e vou mandar ela me lavar até sair esta maldita pele verde.





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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
  
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
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   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/>
  <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
   UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
  
  
 
<![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]>

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 table.MsoNormalTable
 {mso-style-name:"Tabela normal";
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<![endif]-->



Narrativa baseada na notícia “Homem que correu fantasiado de
Hulk não consegue voltar à ‘forma humana’”, do site do jornal Extra, disponível em extra.globo.com/noticias/rio/homem-que-correu-fantasiado-de-hulk-nao-consegue-voltar-forma-humana-5038019.html