Das cem vezes que morri
Autor: Com monstros na cama | Publicado: 2013-02-05T07:01:00-08:00

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&nbsp; Hoje ainda não morri, acordei com
paralisia imaginativa. Estranho se eu pensar que todos os dias morro pelas
causas mais e menos improváveis. Das vezes que pulei em um piscina, eu não só me
afoguei como bati a cabeça na borda, no fundo, tive o cabelo sugado pelo ralo e
em todas as vezes sem exceção, eu morri. Já atravessei a rua e levei um tiro na
cabeça, no peito, na barriga. Já recebi facadas e fui surrada. Capotagem,
naufrágio, explosão, incêndio, quedas de todos os tipos. Lápis enterrado no meu
globo ocular. Sem contar das vezes que eu própria me matei. Pulso cortado,
enforcamento, sufocamento. Em todos esses casos eu morri. Pessoas choraram,
sentiram a minha falta, superaram a perda e seguiram esquecendo. Hoje ainda não
matei ninguém, não perdi ninguém, não casei, não menti a minha realidade uma
vez sequer. 



&nbsp; Não me lembro bem quando tudo
começou a ficar tão intenso, acho que morrer dia após dia foi minha forma de
superar meus algozes. E ninguém vê isso. Tenho uma natureza mentirosa, doente.
Sem contar pra qualquer um o que ainda me perturba vou criando mundos
fantásticos. Já salvei a vida dela um punhado de vezes, já fui feliz outro
punhado, me fiz esquecer de tudo, mas não o tempo todo.



&nbsp; Vejo em flash. Fico na duvida sem
saber quando estou inventado, quando estou lembrando. Será que aconteceu mesmo?
Me pergunto. Estabeleço um padrão de vida sem identidade. Me perco. Travo uma
luta histérica, carregada em conservadorismo inútil e tudo por medo de me
assumir plenamente. Repressão não é uma prática, é um ensinamento. Eu tive anos
para aprender, logo, mesmo condenando ainda aplico este saber em mim mesma (até hoje).
Contudo, se me perguntar sobre isso e a razão de eu ser assim como sou,
negarei. Assumindo a possibildade de eu estar morta bem ali na sua frente enquanto me questiona. Bem possível também que quem estivesse morrido fosse você.



Calma, permanecerei aqui. Não só
por toda a obsessão&nbsp; pela felicidade, mas
pela obsessão por amar e pelo prazer de morrer cem vezes ao dia. Por você que
gosta de mim, por ela que amo tanto, por sonhos que ainda tenho e conquistas
que não fiz. Ao menos eu espero ser suficiente. Porque enquanto eu só imaginar
estarei bem. Natureza mentirosa lembra?