Puberty 2.0 - the limbo of being the twenty something year old 
Autor: mel | Publicado: 2016-01-09T17:25:00-08:00


Times of change happen throughout our lives. Birth is a traumatic experience for a baby, and coming into contact with a world that is entirely new is somewhat overwhelming. Everything has to be learnt, discovered - and many of the people 'instructing' you and desperately inconsistent and confusing. Growing up, we gain progressively more freedom, our bodies grow, change, and we continue developing. We come to the world as explorers, but generally for the first couple of decades we have a safe base we can go back to - the home, the parents, sometimes siblings. It is the safe haven that, in our moments of crisis - every explorer has their crisis and failures - where we can run to and feel safe.&nbsp;



Of all these times of changes, for whatever reason, the main focus is puberty; it is a time that gets a great deal of attention because of the physical and hormonal changes going on. The dynamics of relationships change a lot, and social gatherings and acceptance change. When I was around 11 years old, I remember solemnly receiving a book called "happy adolescence" -which was in fact very poorly written, utterly uninteresting, and which I do not even recall having finishing due to thinking it was a waste of time. Also, I recall hearing from teachers, leaders and parents &nbsp;many things about this strange concept of "puberty" - I heard so many times about the changes I was going to go through, I never really understood the fuss everyone was kicking up. I just wanted to say "Would you just get over it, already?".&nbsp;



Church and sunday school seemed to be trying to brain wash me with all these rules about the things that would change, without ever actually sitting down for an actual conversation or actually giving reasons for these rules, which simply irritated me because I was treated like less than a person, as if I were not capable of thinking. I was sick of hearing all these rules regurgitated and hammered into my head. Perhaps what made puberty most traumatic were not the changes themselves, but the dramatic reaction of those 'responsible adults' surrounding me telling me how traumatic it was going to be.&nbsp;



In contrast with the pubescence when I presumptuously assumed myself to be 'all grown up' and 'very capable of making my own decisions', irritated by advice, I find myself currently in another crucial time of development and formation that is entirely opposite in essence. It is the sudden realisation of the foolishness of the arrogance of adolescence, when, faced with the world and responsibility, I realise how actually very not grown up or capable of making my own decisions I feel - even if I have reached the point it is non-optional to backtrack and run to mummy, and yet you crave help, support and advice.&nbsp;



The phase I refer to is the early to mid twenties time of coming to the end of graduation. Up to now, things were pretty straight forward: School, pick a university course, stick to that for 4 to 5 years, get that done. From the point the course comes to an end, though, things get complicated - so, what now? There is no obvious formula. Academia? Continue studying? Work in industry? Start a business? Follow an irrational dream? Options and possibilities stretch out as endlessly as your imagination can take you, and it is quite overwhelming. Still, I do not believe the changes in career are the worst part. You are not only in a career limbo, you are in a life limbo.&nbsp;



The safe haven of "home" many times ceases to exist. You are now a "responsible adult" (whatever that means). Running home in any crisis is not an option you can often go for. It is time to take on responsibility and administrate time and money: pay bills, organise housing, take care of your housing, work full time, keep your documents in order. You no longer have a moment of leisure, of letting someone else take care of things for you while you chill out. If you mess up, you have only yourself to blame. If you pick a bad health insurance, it's your bill you have after an accident. If you spend too much on a shopping spree, you don't have money for food.&nbsp;



Also, not only practically, but also emotionally, this can take a toll. The feeling of going back home after living away for a long time many times gives you a feeling that, though you love the people there very much, that is not the place you fit in anymore - especially because many times family rightfully so have difficulty in seeing you as now a grown adult, and still see a funny toddler or a giggly baby that knows nothing of the world. This, combined with losing many friends, contributes to a feeling of non-belonging that can be a dangerous component triggering reckless choices of courses of action.



The end of university also brings many social changes. Many times, it means moving away from the city you have been for at least the duration of your course - this means, apart from leaving a place that ideally you have associated with good memories, it also means parting with people that have been very important to you for in the least a few years. Your friends may move cities or countries, or you yourself might be the one moving.&nbsp;



This means that adding to the pile of confusion regarding career, a terrible feeling of misplacement, an overwhelming feeling of need to 'grow up' and take up responsibility you do not feel ready to take on, holding it all together is a heart wrenching feeling of loneliness. Having all these complicating factors at play that place your life in this void lacking an obvious path to take contributes very often to very poor decision making.&nbsp;



There are a few options of how to avoid these issues that I have seen in use,



Procrastinate the issue

Many people in the current twenty something generation around me I have seen opting for proceeding living at home depending on parents while continuing studies in new undergrad courses or sometimes even with jobs and postgrad courses.&nbsp;



Just ignore the issues arising

This involves a great deal of distractions from the real demands or even a crisis of loneliness by spending unhealthy amount of time working, drinking, partying and/or in shallow relationships.&nbsp;



Give into the despair or loneliness

Many times, resulting in anxiety, depression and many times in catastrophic outcomes, such as suicide



Cease to be lonely

Many times people engage in unhealthy relationships to cease, even if momentarily, to be lonely. Many of these relationships are rushed, emotionally based and many times (especially in religious circles) result in premature marriage. What this attempts to construct is the feeling of "safe haven" in an alternate way, by starting a new family. However, giving into that impulse in such an important and life changing decision in a time of crisis very often results in problems worse than the initial ones - &nbsp;not only affecting one's self, but also another person.&nbsp;











Very little is said about the difficulty of this time of changes, which is surprising given the fuss kicked up for the much smaller issue of puberty. The whole crisis of the twenty something limbo came as a complete surprise, and it hit me full on like a blow to the face when I least expected it. Perhaps due to not knowing the need and importance of dealing wisely with such circumstances, we have many 30 year old teenagers in the world, or people making such bad decisions. Maybe, we are just such a spoilt generation, that we are just really reluctant to get our act together and grow up.&nbsp;



Therefore, I do not have a precise formula as to how to deal with this phase of life, especially because I am still in it, and thus my view is partial and clouded. However, what I can do is share some things that have kept me sane in these very strange, confusing and at times overwhelming circumstances.&nbsp;



Whatever is the case, I think it's important to talk about the challenges and to seek support from people that are older and wiser. Even communicating with other people also in the same phase is important - it's a great deal of relief knowing you aren't the only one struggling. People in the same situation understand, have empathy and perhaps you can help each other out.&nbsp;



Secondly, it is important to be in check with yourself and your feelings. I know, it sounds sentimental, and so on, but feeling secure in yourself and your value as a human being takes away the whole 'seeking approval' thing, and can help your time of 'loneliness' become rather a time of solitude - a time to learn, to get to know yourself more, and figure out what really&nbsp;is important in your priorities, convictions, natural abilities and skills. Knowing these things makes you less susceptible to impulsive decisions, and can help you plan out a potential course to take. Also, examine realistically&nbsp;your circumstances. Common sense goes a long way in decision making.&nbsp;



Lastly, I think the only thing that has kept me sane throughout the whole process is knowing that I'm not just an aimless wanderer floating helplessly in the hands of circumstances or feelings. As a Christian, I believe that God is sovereign, and he has a will for my life - I also believe I have a free will to choose what I want to do, but from experience I have found it's a better idea to seek what his is. Rationally, asking help to someone who is omniscient (aka, knows all things) for help is a good plan. If he knows all the variables at play in all of space and time, why not try to get his help?&nbsp;



Many people, even if Christians might fear this out of love for their own dreams - and this is something I am still trying to learn to let go of - or out of fear of what might come. God's will is good, perfect and pleasant (Romans 12.2), even if not painless or easy. But something to consider is that God made us, along with our talents and aptitudes - so it makes sense that his will likely may involve things you like and are good at, even if in an unexpected way. He also knows what really matters to you long term - sometimes having less money at a time can teach something that can impact you, your love for others, your soul eternally, which has infinitely more value than having money in a particular time of your life, for example. So we can trust him to make things cooperate for our ultimate good (Romans 8.28) even if our concept of "good" is different from his.&nbsp;



Of course, this "his will" can mean a great deal of things. It can be hard, painful, illogical and many times counter-cultural. Sometimes, people might think you are a crazy fanatic, as was the case of my grandpa, who with a degree in naval engineering and in medicine, knew english, latin, french, spanish, greek and hebrew, left a developed country to come to the back of beyond of Brazil to be a missionary - note that Portuguese is not on the list. But, steady your convictions and go for it if you are very sure of something.&nbsp;



At times, one might regret seeking his will at all. However, in my personal experience, God has worked out amazing things even in the chaos of my life. He has given me more than I could ask or imagine, and in seemingly bad circumstances he put around me taught me many lessons I otherwise would not have had if I had decided things on my own. Even if sometimes I cringe at the "Your will be done" with some fear and apprehension, I would rather be a headless chicken in his hands and in his control than be a headless chicken distractedly running towards a precipice of selfish, vain, prestigious and materialistic ambition that is hidden behind the social convention of "do what makes you happy".&nbsp;



And so, in the end of my conclusion, I think seeking a purpose and having something bigger to aim at has kept me running the race (though sometimes it's more like a maze than an olympic track). It's a complicated and weird time, but I think that if we can even get out of "exploring an entire new world" as toddlers and the arrogant time of puberty alive, we can probably get away with learning to be a "responsible adult". Perhaps making failures into teachers rather than defeaters, is lesson #1 in survival and growing up.&nbsp;