HEMORRÓIDAS...  Luiz Fernando Veríssimo
Autor: Paulo Pinto Pereira | Publicado: 2013-05-01T11:51:00-03:00


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Este é um texto antigo do Veríssimo, mas bastante divertido!

&nbsp;

Ptolomeu em 150 D.C. falava que a terra era o centro
do universo e que tudo girava em torno dela, foram precisos cerca de 1400 anos
para esta teoria ser rebatida por Nicolau Copérnico provando para a humanidade que
o Sol sim, era o centro.

Eu, simplesmente eu, descobri em apenas três dias,
após 56 anos, &nbsp;&nbsp;que ambos estavam redondamente
enganados: o centro do universo é o cú.

Isso mesmo, o cú!

Operei das hemorróidas em caráter de urgência algumas
semanas atrás.

No domingo à noitinha, o que achava que seria um
singelo peidinho, quase me virou do avesso.

É difícil, mas vamos ver se reverte, falou meu
médico. Reverteu coisa nenhuma, era mais fácil o Lula aceitar que sabia do
mensalão do que aquela terrível bolinha (?) dar o toque de recolher.

Foram quase duas horas de &nbsp;cirurgia e confesso não senti &nbsp;nadica &nbsp;de nada, nem se me enrabaram durante minha
letargia!

Dois dias de hospital, passei bem embora tenham
tentado me afogar &nbsp;com tanto soro que me
aplicaram, foram litros e litros; recebi alta e fui repousar em casa.

Passados os efeitos anestésicos e analgésicos, vem &nbsp;a &nbsp;primeira vez.

PUTA QUI PARIU!!!

Parece que esta saindo um croquete de figo da Índia,
casca de abacaxi, concha de ostra e arame farpado. &nbsp;É um autoflagelo.

Parece que você tá cagando &nbsp;uma briga de cinco gatos, sai arranhando &nbsp;tudo.

Defequei de pé, pois sentado achei que o cú ia
junto...

Por uns três dias doem tanto que você não imagina uma
&nbsp;&nbsp;coisinha tão pequena e com um nome tão
reduzido (cú) possa doer tanto. 

O tamanho da dor não é proporcional ao tamanho do
nome, neste caso, cú deveria chamar dobrovosky, tegulcigalpa, Nabucodonosor.

Passam pela cabeça soluções mágicas:

- Usar um ventilador! Só se for daqueles túneis
aerodinâmicos.

- Gelo! Só se eu fosse escorregar pelado por uma
encosta do Monte Everest.

- Esguichinho d'água! Tem que ser igual a da Praça da
Matriz, névoa seguida de jatos intercalados.

Descobri também que somos descendentes diretos do
bugio, porque você fica andando como macaco e com o cú vermelho; qualquer
tosse, movimento inesperado, virada mais brusca, o cú dói, e como!

Para melhorar as idas à privada, recomenda-se dieta
na base de fibras, foi o que fiz: comi cinco vassouras piaçaba, um tapete de
sisal e sete metros de corda. Agora sei o sentido daquela frase: quem tem medo
de defecar não come!

Tudo valeu, agora já estou bem, evacuando como manda
o figurino, não preciso pensar para peidar, o cú ficou afinado em ré menor, uma
beleza!

A foda é que usei Modess por 20 dias após a cirurgia
e hoje to sentindo falta dele!

Meu Deus!