Confissões de um velho nobre
Autor: Nikkannibal | Publicado: 2012-10-15T09:38:00-03:00

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&nbsp;

E aos poucos sinto a morrer em
mim aquela espécie de memórias às quais chamo memórias de ocasião. Aquelas que
em certa altura aqueceram, mas onde hoje, no pensamento do passado, se
encontram demasiadas falhas, demasiados calafrios para serem denominadas com
saudades. C'est que l'enfer!

A tristeza recai sequer nisso,
de aos poucos as memórias se tornarem fungos luxuosos dos quais a multidão
alheia se alimenta. A mesma multidão que no fundo os semeia. Aquela mesma
multidão que em certos espectros temporais foi fantasma da verdade, relinchava
meias mentiras à minha vida, e nela coloria metáforas vergonhosas de tanta
miséria. 
E aos poucos esse passado vai-se tornando num passado morto; a cor da mentira torna-se
certeza de que hoje, indubitavelmente menos sábia, contudo menos dormente, me
torno conformado nas teorias que não tenho, aquelas que passo a vida a tentar
derrotar.
É inutilmente fácil criar outros absolutos que não nós, é fácil lapidar ideais
e torná-los numa benção. Como é fácil condenar, duvidar e, bem, matar.

Mémoires posthumes sont stressants,

fui
morto vezes sem conta pela mentira dos outros, e hoje não sei se serei sequer a
sombra do que os outros viram. Mas sei, contudo que estou mais gordo do vão das
coisas por engolir. Aquelas que me enchem os olhos de brilho, de fatalidades,
de exaustão de viver a vida inteira.



Mon Dier,

e esta morte vincada no peito,
que se torna vida nos medos soterrados. Estas lembranças tão ardentes que
tenho, o conformismo da fé, porque a vida é ter apenas a loucura da lembrança,
e a fraqueza da esperança. Mas a morte é não ter, e quando a dor colapsa, é
impulsionada pela a revolta da aceitação. 

E já não somos o mesmo, quando
os adeus têm de ser largados aos ventos que nem sequer pertencem aqui. As ruas
continuam calcadas, as vidas aprisionadas na pressa. Mas o coração latejado, o órgão
morno, sua tristeza, e dói, porque até quando dói, é belo. E o saudosismo, que
todos os povos sentem, é tão somente francês. Francês na sua altura, no seu
cheiro, em suas mãos grandes e na nossa alma tão escura sem si. E perder não só
quem se ama, mas quem tão somente se ama, o amor de uma vida, rebenta-me. E
imagino perder-lo a ele. E imagino o que poderias dizer na tua morte, no teu
largar. Et je remercie que ce soit, quelle que soit dieux peut-être. A diferença será para o resto da
vida. E sinto amor…