When you are 18 or above, dating an older guy can be an exciting challenge. While an older man will likely be more mature than the guys your own age, he’ll have an entirely different set of life experiences than you do. The two of you might not see the world the same way. It can take a lot of patience and work to have a relationship with an older guy but you might find that a mature man can make a great partner. Avoid any men who only date younger women, or who are trying to date you when you are in high school, as these men might not be interested in you personally and might not want to invest in a dating relationship.[1]
Go where older guys hang out. Mature men don’t necessarily spend time at the same places as younger guys do. They’re most likely over the party scene so you won’t find them at the loud, crowded bars downtown. They are likely to prefer environments that are more low-key. Some great places where you can meet older men include:[2]
Your friends obligation event. Tag along to a good friend's company picnic, neighborhood holiday gathering, or the extended family wedding as a platonic date. You may meet older men, and you'll certainly save your friend from boredom.
Get online. Older guys are online just like everyone else.[3] Join an online dating site and customize your age preferences. You'll find men you like, and they'll be able to find you as well. Consider popular sites like OkCupid, PlentyofFish, and Match.com.
You can also look for websites that cater to May to December romances, but check the website out first. Some of these are used more for financially involved relationships.
Get informed. Many people pay more attention to current events as they get older. Keep up with what’s going on in the world so you can make conversation. Watch the news on television or read newspapers like the New York Times or the Wall Street Journal. Form an intelligent and informed opinion about everything you read, and look up references you don't recognize. Older men who are worth your while will want to be able to have interesting conversations with you.[4]
Don’t just read about the presidential elections. Research candidates in local elections and learn about general trends in politics.
Get acquainted with sports. It’s fun to bond over and watch a game without having to explain everything.
Show your personality. Older guys like a partner who is confident enough to be natural. Let them see who you are and don’t try to act like someone else. Good older men want to get to know the real you. They’ll likely have enough prior relationship experience to tell if you’re being less than sincere with them.[5]
Be honest about your interests even if they’re things that you don’t think a mature man will like. You’ll be surprised by how many older guys still like things like cartoons and comic books.
Be ambitious. Invest in your work: seek promotions, awards, and responsibility. If you are a student, get good grades and apply for further education. The great news is, a quality older guy is not going to be intimidated by your success the way a younger guy might be. He's already gone through your life stage, so he's less likely to be threatened when things go well for you.[6][7]
If you're on track with your career or your studies, people are less likely to assume you are only into him for security.
Invest in your own life because you don't want the pressure of financial support to ruin your relationship. You'll be happiest if you're with him because you like him, not because you don't have any other options.
Be direct. Older men don’t like to play relationship games.[8] Let your actions truly reflect your feelings, and don’t feel like you need to ‘play hard to get. Older guys usually have a lot of things going on in their life. They may have a steady career or even kids.
Don’t be afraid to ask them out. Older men appreciate the forwardness that younger guys can find intimidating.
Tell him what you want. Find out what both of you need from a relationship. Things may not work out if you want children but he already has kids and doesn’t plan on having any more.[9] The two of you may even have a different understanding of how serious your relationship is. If he’s been divorced in the past, he may just want to have a casual fling while you’re looking for someone to marry.
Keep your own life. Remember that a little space can be healthy for a relationship. You don’t want to lose your independence. Make sure you spend some time away from your relationship and encourage him to do the same. You might start to resent each other if you try to be together all the time.[10]
He may not have anything in common with your friends and vice versa. Both of you might need a little time to be around people your own age.
Communicate your needs. Realize that an older man may have responsibilities that don’t allow him to relocate. He might not be able to go with you if you have to move to follow your dreams, so if that's something you might want from a partner, talk to him about it! Understand that he may be already settled into his environment and might not want to change it the way a younger guy might.[11]
Have frank conversations about finances. An older man may have his finances in order. While it can be nice to be with someone who has financial stability, it can be awkward when you are younger and possibly broke.
Be clear on what you're comfortable with. If you aren't excited at being treated to dinner all the time, let him know you'll need to choose some cheaper dates.
Take it slow. It might take a while before he feels comfortable fully bringing you into his personal life. Don’t try to impose yourself on it too quickly. He’ll need to make sure that he can depend on you to stick around before introducing you to his family and friends. If he has a reputation to uphold, he won’t want to be seen as the person who casually dates younger people.[12]
Tell him when you're ready to meet his family, but let him know that it's up to him when it happens.
If he has kids, understand that he might not want you to meet them right away. It's unhealthy for kids to frequently get attached to new people they might lose. Even if you think your relationship is on track, you may need to wait for a year or longer before you get to share time with his children.
Remind him that you desire him. Everyone’s scared of getting older. For men, the thought of losing their physical virility can be terrifying.[13] Even if he doesn’t show it, he’s somewhat worried that you’ll stop being attracted to him because of his age. Reassure him that he’s still got it going on and don’t remind him of how old he is. Every so often, compliment him on his looks, strength or any attribute that makes him feel young and useful. Say things like:
You can tease him about his age if he likes that, but be sure to check. Some guys might feel lighthearted about a few May-December jokes, but unhappy about being called "old man."
Expect some judgment from those you love. Some people find the idea of an older man dating a younger person unsettling. They may worry about you being taken advantage of, or getting pressured into committing to someone who is in a different life stage. Assure them that you genuinely have a connection with him and that you wouldn’t be with someone who objectified you.[14]
Calmly break the news about your relationship to your parents. Give them some time to get used to it. They only want to protect you. They’ll come around when they see that your partnership is loving and equal.
If you have a sibling or a trusted family friend who can act as a go-between, make sure they also meet your boyfriend and let your parents know that they like him.
Maintain an equal partnership. Make sure that both of you have an equal role in your relationship. Just because he’s older than you doesn’t mean that he should get the final word on every decision. He’s your partner, not your father. If the relationship gets serious, make sure that you discuss every issue that comes up together before deciding what to do.
Ditch the creeps. Some guys want a younger partner because younger partners can be easier to manipulate and control.[15] Ditch older men who are jealous, controlling, who push you into quick involvement, who put unrealistic expectations on you, discourage you from interacting with friends and family. Dump an older guy who blames you for his problems, feelings, and other things that you could only control if you were a wizard. Run, don't walk, from men who threaten you, who put you down, who ignore your good news and accomplishments, or who physically harm you.[16]
Many acts that seem like signs of devotion are actually warning signs of abuse. A guy who drops in at your work to check in on you, who tries to protect you from everything, or who claims to be unable to live or function without you is manipulating you.[17]
Take things slow. Don't rush into committed relationships without taking time to build a connection first.
Tell the truth. Tell him exactly what you want from a relationship. If you lie and tell him what you think he wants to hear, then it will cause problems later on.
Don’t try to hold onto the relationship too tightly if you change as a person. Remember that older men are likely to know a lot about themselves and what they like. You may still be finding out who you are.
Don’t let anyone feel like they can control you in a relationship. Always stand up for yourself and your opinion.
Don’t assume an older man will want to have children with you. They might have already had all the children that they want to. Additionally, if you've never wanted children and have chose a child-free lifestyle, dating a man with kids probably isn't for you.
It's illegal to date someone older than you if you’re under the age of consent. In the United States, the age of consent is between 16-18 years of age.[18]
This version of How to Date an Older Guy was expert co-authored by Paul Chernyak, LPC on November 23, 2017. Learn more...