This weekend will be a milestone for me. I’ll be doing things I’ve never done before. I’m excited, looking forward to it and at the same time worried. I may be scared by then, I’m not sure, I’m not scared now, but I’mÂ amidst the feeling of uncertaintyÂ of how it will unfold that is keeping me restless.
I’m yet again addicted to another Korean series. There was a quote in the episode today that I really like, “Everything I set to do, I accomplish”
It’s late and I’m not asleep yet. I just wanted to calm myself down. It happened last night too, I’ve got so many things running through my mind, I was tired and sleepy but when I got on the bed, I just couldn’t sleep and I didn’t sleep well the whole night.
This morning I woke up, still with the many things because it won’t go away immediately, not right now. I don’t know when but I still need to keep moving. When I held on to the steering wheel this morning, I told myself, “It’s going to be a good day.” I must remind myself that no matter what happens, it’s up to me to make a choice of how I want to live my life.
I’ve been doing a lot of self-talking lately because frankly, I feel like I’m falling. I’m so reluctant to do the tasks I’ve set for myself. Simple things. A phone call away. A drive away. It feels like a chore. I’ve been procrastinating, so elegantly, crafting every possible excuses I can think of, to push it off another day. Then one day becomes so many days. And then I start to freak out and then I start doing things. And I really don’t want it to be this way. Â I know no one can help me but myself. Â There’s no one to pick me up but myself. And that’s why I need to write at times like these, though it won’t make sense but it helps me figure what’s going on internally.
Like now, I’m just going to pick myself up to go to the washroom and then make sure the next thing I do is sleep.
I was cleaning the house today and was so eager when I cleaned the toilet bowl that I scrubbed a bit harder and a bit deeper than usual with the toilet brush. I felt something the brush scratching the toilet bowl but didn’t know what it was until I flushed and saw the paint being scraped off by the toilet brush. I put the brush too deep into the toilet bowl hole so the sides of the brush which had metal scraped the surface of it. My heart immediately sank because you know…I really love the toilet bowl. It’s a light pink toilet bowl and each time I wash it, I like to see it beaming in cleanliness. But from today onwards, it will leave a mark no matter how hard I scrub. 🙁
I know it’s not a big deal but it’s a bit of an eyesore and it will remind me forever, for as long as I’m using the toilet that there will be 2 lines….which may appear as grime, stain, if you don’t know they were actually scratched.
While I was watching TV, I still couldn’t get over it. I even thought of ways how I can save my toilet bowl. Like maybe paint it but then it’s impossible because the toilet bowl will always be filled with water. But then we can always stop the water supply to the toilet while I paint. Then I just brushed off the idea because…for God’s sake…it’s just a toilet bowl.
It’s back to handling and managing things on my own. I like the fact that I cooked dinner tonight, the day before yesterday and the day before that. I’m getting more conscious than usual of what I eat and how much I spend. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing though but then I must. I looked at my face and I see a dull complexion and I know no matter how good a product I use but if my body is full of toxin, it won’t help.
When I look at my bank account and my credit card statement, I know I must continue to stick to my budgeting every month to know where my money goes to.
Eating healthy and staying healthy is not a very easy thing to do. Why I’m saying this is because it takes time, effort and discipline and it’s harder when you get too busy, you get so engrossed with whatever you do, but to eat and stay healthy. I would say I’m lazy because I need to talk myself into just go to the fridge and cut myself an apple to eat…and sometimes it just never happens.
Like how I’m placing my yoga mat on the floor next to my bed so that each time I wake up or before I go to sleep, I will surely see the yoga mat and I would get onto it and do my stretches and crunches. On Friday night, I was feeling a bit lonely, a bit depressed for no reason and so I get onto the yoga mat and just followed what my little “6-minute morning workout” book says. I didn’t realise it was an hour when I was done. From 6 minutes to 60 minutes, I’m so happy with myself because I wasn’t timing myself and I wasn’t looking at the clock. I just wanted to stretch until I’m satisfied like how you won’t switch on the alarm clock on a weekend and allow yourself to sleep till you think it’s time to wake up. I sweat a bit and I like smelling my shirt that has the sweaty smell. It just feels like the bad and dirty stuff is out of me even though it’s just a bit.
One thing about stretching is I like the little pain feeling you get when you stretch and work out Â the muscles and also the improved flexibility days after days you practise stretching. I like it that I find myself stretching a little bit further today as compared to yesterday. And I know if I continue with those stretching exercises, I can only get better.
I have this sudden goal and that is to be a lady. Not that I’m a man now but I would like to be a fine lady. A lady who cooks well, performs well at work, organised, grooms well, learns something new each day and tries to improve herself constantly.
I’ve been very quiet lately, especially at work. Sometimes I don’t know where I placed my mind. Sometimes I think too long to give a response. I feel like I’m creeping back into my shell again when I know I can speak up, speak a little louder but a part of me just refuses to. I hope it’s just a phase.
There’s a 3-month old puppy at my grandpa’s house that has gone missing for day. His name is Cola. My aunt and uncle thought it got stolen and were saying how cute the dog was and how sad they were. I’ve never seen him before so I have no idea how cute he can be.
It reminded me about the movie “Hachi” so I told my mum, the dog will surely find its way home. I just wanted to believe that the dog will come back.
We were talking outside of the house last night and when we were about to enter the house. I saw a dog from far. At first I thought it was the mother dog but it didn’t seem right. The dog was charging towards us. The way I saw it, I thought it was coming to bite me.
I froze until my aunt shouted “Cola”! It was still running and barking and then it bumped its nose onto my left leg and gave a good sniff. Turned around me and sniffed some more.
Everyone was very happy with Cola coming back. It was then left to roam about on it’s own until an hour later, my uncle decided to tie him up so that he doesn’t get lost again.
He couldn’t look for him. My mum called out for his name but there was no sign of him. Uncle was saying he may have wandered out again. I went out to join them looking for the dog. All of a sudden, a nose came bumping my left leg again.