Happiness? What is this elusive feeling we chase like a cat after a laser pointer. We’re nuts about the topic. In a society that has all the material wealth it could possibly need, we come up short. Combine happiness and purpose on the other hand…
We’re bombarded with countless books on the subject. The Dali Lama has seemingly cornered the market. If you haven’t read a book on how to be happier in the last few years, something’s wrong with you…
But please, don’t despair. I’m here to push a theory that might be useful. It’s better (and ultimately healthier) to pursue purpose and struggle instead of happiness. Happiness is a fleeting feeling that comes and goes of its own volition. More poetically than a cat chasing red dots, happiness is the sunny day that emerges from time to time, but isn’t a constant you can count on.
Contentment is perhaps a worthier pursuit than happiness. Less elusive, and longer lasting. If you’re content, you’ve managed to accomplish some things, feel loved, or reached some milestones that have you feeling like you’ve checked all the boxes. But even contentment is fool’s gold. Just when you think you’ve arrived at a “good place”, hedonic adaptation and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs crashes the party.
Early retirement. It’s a given that hanging up the day job way earlier than the norm opens up numerous possibilities. Feeling trapped by the cubicle? I reckon you’ll find some form of activity that keeps you from being stuck in front of a screen. You may choose to be a stay at home parent, or travel extensively to volunteer your talents. The world beyond your backyard is full of needs.
On the other hand, you could easily fall into the trap of pursuing early retirement simply for the sake of escaping a bad situation. But what are you escaping to? One of the cornerstones of this blog’s existence is the exploration of the “what” after early retirement. I’ve written before about avoiding a life of no regrets, and I think that’s my way of building up the confidence and assurance I need, to “hang it up” when the time comes… oh… late next summer?
I’ve seen some evidence emerge from bloggers who’ve managed to quit the daily grind, only to report back that ER ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not everyone is Mr. Money Mustache or Go Curry Cracker I guess. Those two knew exactly what their “D-Day plus one” would be. For the former, it was all about being a stay at home parent while running a few small businesses. For the latter, it was immersion into a new culture overseas and exploring the world.
The article that spawned this post remains permanently bookmarked in my Chrome. I often refer back to it to realign my priorities when I feel like I’m skidding off the tracks. My favorite quote from this article sums up the premise:
“The key to a deeper, healthier life, it seems, isn’t knowing the meaning of life — it’s building meaning into your life.”
Thing is, I’m a seeker. I want to know the meaning of life. Being a planner to the core, and one who’s always envisioning the future, the message in this quote keeps me grounded. And in all honesty, who doesn’t want a deeper, healthier life? Yet our society seems hell-bent on eliminating any semblance of a lifestyle centered on struggle and purpose. Instead, we get 24 hour news, social media trigger happy thumbs, and drone delivery by Amazon. It’s all bullshit.
It’s an interesting phenomenon. As my tenure grows in my career, I’m finding it easier and easier as time passes to tolerate said bullshit. Out of the gates after college, I didn’t know jack, but I knew I needed a job. Over the course of the next ten to fifteen years I ground myself into a pulp trying to solve the riddles of EQ and self-awareness. And then somehow, some way, the last ten years have led to mastery.
Yes, it’s true. If you stick with something long enough, you tend to figure shit out. Instead of banging your head against the wall in frustration over Dilbert bosses and office politics, you start to learn how to navigate the waters. Stuck on a team with a toxic culture? Get the fuck out of there! Don’t give up the struggle of a day job because you think that toxicity is pervasive.
I’ve come to the point in my career where I can control enough of the variables to make the situation work. It’s honestly borderline tolerable. What’s not to love about having a great boss, good people reporting to you, a strong culture, and a high performing company? Shit. I can even ride my bike to work and shower there with hot water. Compared to life in Yemen, I cannot complain.
It’s still pretty damn surreal, the loss of Anthony Bourdain. Selfishly, I’m torn up about it, and mad that he’s gone. Of course I never met the guy, and it’s not like I had a poster of him on my cube wall. But if there was anyone in the world that I figured had the ultimate job, it was him.
I would picture myself in his place whenever I watched his shows. Sadly, depression overtook whatever happiness and purpose Anthony Bourdain could muster.
Travel the world. See the world behind the veneer of tourist beaches and all-inclusive (subversive) resorts. Get to know the people and sample their culture. Become aware of the problems inequality and income disparity propagate. All of those warts made easily digestible by the wonderful food and social venues depicted.
I think Bourdain was the ultimate seeker. He was in constant search of his anchor. Retirement? Wouldn’t have it. A restless soul and a tireless worker. Exhaustion, fatigue, a body and mind scarred by past addictions. Depression. Maybe the clues were there all along.
In my quest to figure out what makes people “happy” I’ve come to find the best answer in the Blue Zones studies. Want to know what constitutes a thriving, long-lived and healthy society? I can tell you what they don’t have:
Finding your purpose and your struggle in life, I would argue, is an easier search when you eliminate the baloney of those nine things. They are supreme distractions from what really matters. Want to know something about THIS author? He’s still working on 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, and 9. I’ve got a long way to go before I can ascribe to a Blue Zones pattern of living that gives me a fighting chance at thriving.
And to be honest, I’d feel a helluva lot better about this post if I hadn’t included number 8: Travel addiction. I have dreams of getting out and exploring the world. But just like escaping the cubicle is dream that could be misguided, I wonder if travel is simply another form of escape, also misguided.
I am an optimist. I’ve been depressed, but have never suffered from depression. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have avoided an illness that seems to be ever more present in our lives. Some useful quotes that I will refer to often, as I continue my own personal search, are words that hit the mark quite well from Carol Tavris:
“…As the popularity of television increased in the 1950’s and 60’s, the number of inventors and do-it-yourselfers declined precipitously. This sad phenomenon reflects the paradox of the pursuit of happiness. Given a choice, many people choose narcotic pleasures that dull the mind and quell its restless search for meaning. Yet in so doing, those people give up the very activities that, in their complexity and challenge, offer the promise of real satisfaction.”
“…the way to happiness lies not in mindless hedonism but in mindful challenge, not in having unlimited opportunities but in focused possibilities, not in self-absorption but in absorption in the world, not in having it done for you but in doing it yourself. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining.”
I want to avoid any readers thinking I’m drawing some sort of connection between Anthony Bourdain’s depression and any unintended judgement that he lacked sense of purpose. Oddly, this guy did a TON to build understanding and compassion for under-exposed communities around the world. And he seemingly had fun doing it, despite the incredible exhaustion he experienced to produce “Parts Unknown.” He had a great deal of purpose in his life, and his struggles were mighty. And still, depression knows no bounds.
well said, mr. cubert! my father, who was a pretty tough guy, used to tell me i’ve had it too easy for too long. he was right and there was wisdom in that tough love. i miss the struggle and having a nemesis. the nemesis need not be a person but maybe a situation worth defeating. for me it was debt and then getting finances and job stuff good and straight and barreling to victory. then something happened: all those things ended up straight and even my job is now more than tolerable and it made me soft and bored. it’s hard to figure out the next nemesis worth fighting once you’ve “won.” i miss a good struggle.
Hi Freddy. Thank you! Funny. I think many if not most of us have/had fathers with that same mindset. Life was ALWAYS harder “Back in my day…” 🙂 The wisdom and tough love are priceless. It’s important to manufacture struggle when things are nice and tidy. Could be volunteering time or other sacrifices. Getting into great shape through physical struggle. Building an addition. I dunno…
Allow me to turn it a bit on its head. In my belief you can’t have hapiness without purpose. Hapiness is the outcome, these other things are part of the action to get there. But… hapiness is still a scale. It’s relative to the day before so no one is ever happy all the time since each day is judged by the last. Instead the goal is to raise the midpoint.
I think that jives really well, FTF. I’d also argue that to create more opportunities for happiness, you need to remove barriers to negative energy. Bad health (of the avoidable kind), bad financial health, bad relationships. Anything within your volition to change – eliminate the variables that lead to problems. And then you can focus fully on pursuing your purpose and struggle with all the energy and intent in the world – happiness is sure to follow.
I think finding purpose in life is key to finding some level of happiness and contentment, but those two things are very different things in my opinion, and to me finding contentment is so key in our “everything now” culture.
To me happiness is based on our present circumstances. It’s all about the feelings we are dealing with in the moment, and they’re fleeting. Contentment looks past the present moment and sees things within a bigger picture.
When content, we can experience satisfaction and peace no matter what we are going through, whether it’s happiness and wonderful life experiences, or the sadness and the struggles we all eventually have. It’s saying I’m OK, no matter what comes my way because I’m living with a strength and a purpose that is outside of me and my circumstances. For me that means living out my purpose and doing my best to serve others.
It can be easy to slip in the culture we live in though, and find ourselves looking to fleeting mists of un-satisfying consumerism, search for a hazy feeling of happiness or hoping for things or experiences to fulfill us.
For too many if they don’t find a purpose – and a struggle – it can mean they are left feeling empty and unsure of the reason for it all.
Thank you very much, Peter. Very kind words. Your comparison between happiness and contentment really resonates spot-on for me.
Thanks, Matthew. I’ve been pondering a LOT lately, to say the least. Hope all is well back in the mitten!
Challenges, hardship, and suffering are part of life, there’s no way around it. Those of us in the first world who have things easy often need to pursue these things, instead of having them thrust upon us. Those who do that are the ones are going to get ahead. Great post
“Thing is, I’m a seeker. I want to know the meaning of life. Being a planner to the core, and one who’s always envisioning the future”
Well that just about sums up me. And some part of why I struggle with anxiety and depressive thoughts as well. Eloquently written, my friend.
Thanks, Angela. We’re birds of a feather! Anxiety and depressive thoughts suck. I am familiar. Always looking for ways to channel those little pests elsewhere. Early retirement / FI being one arrow on my quiver, but I anticipate them being constant companions to some degree.
– Practicing gratitude every day. By being deliberately thankful I have removed the neverending desire for more
– Simplifying my life. Being more deliberate about what I say yes to. I used to be a yes man trying to please everybody. Now I am much more selective and that has resulted in a much better quality use of time
– Increasing my productivity. Removing so much TV watching from my life and replacing it with exercise, sport, social interactions and work projects has added much more purpose to my life.
These are things that can be achieved by anyone for FREE. You are right in saying that the key is to remove all the bullshit material distractions to free up time for truly important things. There is nothing more important in life than purpose, connections and health. And maybe the NBA 🙂 Everything else is just a distraction from achieving contentment.
I think the problem is we chase short term happiness from things like social media, TV, unhealthy food and material goods. Our focus should be more on long term contentment.
Gratitude! Someone at work just yesterday brought that one up. A glorious salve for so much of it all.
A good all around list YMB. Simplicity is a cornerstone. How often do we find people in desperation – any they’re surrounded by complex schedules, complex collections, and envy over what they don’t have.
Of course the secret would be to inject some happiness into your purpose and struggle. I’m very happily retired and living in an interesting place, do a few jobs to add purpose though my only struggle would be combating sticky summer temperatures of 38C+ which does bring a smile to my face when I remember those awful British winters! On the whole, I would say keep life simple – more chance of finding happiness that way, make no demands and just accept what comes your way. We don’t have a car or TV and must be one of the few households who do not use a telephone (we have an old mobile but it’s in a drawer switched off and for emergencies only). Our focus is on enjoying an interesting, stress-free and healthy existence which our local environment, together with good food and moderate exercise certainly help.
Hi Ben! Those are useful words of advice. The lifestyle you describe is closer to a Blue Zones existence than most I know. No phone? No TV or car? And no cubicle job to keep you tied down? Well-played?
I don’t know if I can agree with the idea of “injecting” happiness, since I think it’s more a byproduct than something to be acquired. Still, keeping it simple will afford more opportunities for contentment and helping others along the way. Always good to have you stop by!
Lots to think about. I mainly agree with you on an individual level, but I also look at history and fear what happens when societies become too spiritual and “seeking”. Like Tibet today and the people that were in the Americas when Columbus arrived, they tend to inevitably get crushed by more materialistic cultures.
Sir! Thanks for raising that point. I don’t know that I’m arguing for too much spirituality per se. I can see where to your point, too much leaning in one direction can cause more harm than good. Balance seems to be the best approach. I still have hope for the Tibetan people. They at least weren’t subjected to the “germs” part of the “guns, germs, and steel” equation.