With only two more episodes left to handle the fates of the Upper East Siders we’ve come to adore and abhor, the writers pumped out another dramatic Thanksgiving episode. Their solution this time around: bringing every character — mortal enemies and ex-fiancés included — under one roof to feast on the van der Woodsen’s rapidly prepared bird.
The viewers were finally pleased with an episode — for the first time since roughly three seasons ago. The renewed Chair and Chily pairings as well as the NCBC reunion had viewers cheering. DHumps once again fulfilled the role of being the most-hated character, and the episode cemented that he’s nothing more than a hair-displaying, insecure Bass wannabe. There’s even an official drinking game in place for the final episodes. Some lingering questions: Just how evil is Bart Bass? Why didn’t S call Carter Baizen instead of Steven? Is Dan Gossip Girl? And finally, the question all viewers want answered: When in the world will Chair finally get in bed together? Time is ticking. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.
“They’ll never respect guys like us,” Rufus tells Dan. “You know, guys that don’t have jobs and just sit around making waffles and taking inventory of their accessories. It’s not like Lily’s jewelery just arranged itself!” Oh Rufus, you’re right. No one will ever respect you. Plus 100 —FEED_THE_DUCKS
Nate: “All he does is drink in bed and argue with Monkey” +3 to the thought of Chuck is his silk robe, swirling scotch while philosophizing about life with his dog (and for the hint of jealousy in Nate’s voice) —CATCHMESOMEBASS
Monkey crying outside the door for Chuckles!! MY HEART!! Minus 20 But they were reunited at the end. Plus 50 —CHUCKISMYPUPPY
Nate’s face when Chuck said to find a hot tub time machine had “I always knew those were real!” written all over it. +10 —FAKENAMEISGOODENOUGHFORME
Much as I can’t stand Sage, I sure did appreciate the variety of sexy looks on Chuck’s face during the “I don’t mind if you watch” scene. Plus 5 for the slow but steady rekindling of the Chuck Bass libido.—ISLANDIA
After lasts week’s titillating “I own you” Bart-Nate phone-call, Chuck furthers the Bart-Nate sexual tension by advising Nate to “Lie back and think of England.” +10 —YOUGOGLENCOCO
So, what we’ve learned is Horses = Oil = Paintings = Microfilm = MURDER. Glad we got to the bottom of the boring Bass mystery. Can Chuck and Blair just bang now? —BRANDIE_LARUE
Plus all the points in the history of all time for Dorota’s “Like stomach flu” response to Dan & Serena’s relationship running its course. How I will miss the true queen of the UES! —RJDAWSON
There aren’t enough exclamation marks to convey how much I enjoyed that punch. All the points. And for once, they go to Nate, the golden retriever who finally chose the right moment to remember his loyalty. Finally, the NJBC returns. —MACARONSANDSCOTCH
Dan’s chapter on Serena was basically Lily’s “you don’t have boyfriends, you have life rafts,” speech. Gossip Girl, Blair, Nate, and even Steven have told her the same things. So why does everyone get all up in arms when Dan puts it in print? Saying Serena has daddy issues is like saying Cece liked gin or Rufas likes rich blondes. +10 for realness, because no matter how many times you say it, it’s different if someone from Brooklyn puts it on the internet. —MOCKINGBIRD
“Bart Bass is a master manipulator; he has ruined me, you’ll be child’s play” Chuck mournfully intones to Nate. +20 because Chuck’s depression-voice often slips into Downton Abbey mode, conjuring up additional images of Chuck-in-a-tux hotness. —SHARKSWEATERVEST
If Dan wants to be the new Bart Bass, perhaps he can fake his own death and leave everyone alone for a bit… —SEA7
When Chuck was confronting Lily at the dinner table and Blair brought him over his scotch, I got chills. The way he touched her back was approx infinity times sexier than any Serena sex tape could ever be. I felt like I was having a vision of all their future business dinners where they toy with their prey and it was awesome. Hell, that may be a vision of future parent-teacher conferences too. Can we skip the finale and just watch those? +250 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET
You know Rufus is feeling the holiday blues when his breakfast is cereal instead of waffles + 5 –CHELSEAGRL1492
The VanderBassHumphBass fireplace has been the best new character this season, driving more plotlines along then anyone else. +5 —CAITLINGILBS
Chuck Bass’s personality is slowly coming back! Scheming foreplay and sex with Blair, hating his father, taking over Nate’s task and drinking all in the same episode! Too bad Sage was the one to bring that leer we all love back to life. No points until he says, “I’m Chuck Bass.” —DIAMONDTIARA14
Just simply a thousand million points for those lingering shots of the NJBC judging dan… he is the worst and i dont even know how i can support him and serena as end game. Poor lovable golden retriever serena, someone throw her a bone (wahey). –POLLYROCKETT
The only way the writers can redeem themselves from the sloppy last few episodes is if everyone is on that plane crash, they all end up on some random deserted island, and we realize that: Serena actually died the first time she o.d.’d, Chuck died in that alley in Prague, Blair died while trapped in Russell Thorpe’s gas leak fire, and that the past two-three seasons have all been a delusion of Nate in order to cope with being forever alone. No points, just saying. –CHIVYLEAGUE
So, five seconds after Blair tried to get past the doorman, she convinces him that she is an offensively costumed prostitute? And then we STILL don’t get a Chair sex scene? Minus 100 —AMIBBDOS
“He has ruined meeeeeeee!!!” Chuck cries over his daddy issues, wearing silk pajamas and reeking of scotch and rich white people problems. Minus 15 —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
No publication—let alone Vanity Fair—would publish a big deal story at 7pm on Thanksgiving night. Save it for Monday, please. -5. —MARAHE
Okay, so Dan, having tried and failed to be an “Insider” for five seasons, is now taking his revenge on all the people who used to disrespect and look down on him by becoming the devil himself, Bart Bass. Um, Dan? Shave off that mop on your head so your brain gets some air, and then remember how Serena stood up for you, Nate looked beyond Chuck’s insults and became practically best friends with you (AND was not “looking down” on you when he accepted your hospitality when he was living alone), and Queen B of the Met Steps chose YOU over a titled prince and the Dark Prince, Chuck Bass. Even GEORGINA, the biggest snob ever, doesn’t look down on you. YOU dumped Serena and YOU cheated on Blair with Serena, YOU UNGRATEFUL, UNKEMPT MORON. –Six seasons of hoping for character development —MARLASINGER
So Dan now claims he planned everything all along, like some villain mastermind. Maybe he thinks his spongey weave is a worthy substitute for a twirly mustache. No. -10 —APATHYONMYSIDE
Thanksgiving dinner with sunlight streaming in the windows? No. Everyone knows its pitch black in NY by 4:30pm this time of year.—WRITEOPINIONS
THAT is the replacement painting? A person with black eyes that kind of looks like a demon? Although fitting to Bart’s ‘antichrist’ stance with the flames behind him, that thing is horrifying. -25 —NIKOLE0602
“I have a plan,” smirks Dan, and we later see him furiously TYPING (of course he uses a typewriter, I’m sure computers are only for rich people) THE FINAL CHAPTER. I’m hereby christening this “plan” to apparently redeem Dan as the writers’ “douche ex machina.” Minus ten. —CHUCKBASSLOVE
Next week promo: Chuck maybe dies. It wouldnt be a season of GG without Chuck fake dying at least once, but like the Batman that he is, he always rises. -4 —JJOVANA3
Bart may be a reptile, but Rufus, you’re a parasite. Minus 50 Rufus. Trust me, there’s nothing noble about buying Lily a Cartier necklace with her money. And those love songs, another minus 20. —KANGAROOTATTOO
Serena: “I can eat everything here” Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize the table was set with nothing but berries of doom and pie. Minus 1,000—XRAYCHICKEN
*clink, clink, clink* “dinner’s ready”. Exceptional toast, half wit. -1. The only thing to fear about Dan is, and apparently will forever be, his hair. -3. Lipwatch 2012: must conclude that it is not contagious from the disgusting way Sage was pecking at it with no adverse reactions thus far.—BETCHPLZ
Minus 10 for seemingly everyone in this episode suddenly pretending like they eat. Besides Rufus who is clearly depression eating. —YOUANDWHOSEARMY
Bart in front of the massive fireplace was so cliche. He should have been stroking a white cat and peering out from a monocle to make it even more evil. -4 —PIECEOFBASS
The thought that Rufus made himself a packed lunch to eat at the Lisa Loeb concert was by far one of the saddest things from the episode. Sad because those clearly weren’t waffles inside the tupperware container. Minus 50. —WHOWANTSWAFFLES
I can’t believe Blair didn’t go Puritan with her Thanksgiving role-play. She knows that Chuck loves defiling purity even more than destroying indigenous peoples. Amateur mistake, B. -5 —TRUMPETSTRUMPET
Lily is proud of Serena for going grocery shopping. Remember when Lily was proud of Serena for “going to college” two seasons ago? -5 because Oh Serena how the mighty have fallen.–RHODESRHOMBUS
The look Chuck gave when he thought he was going to get to watch Nate have sex was the most aroused I’ve seen him all season. And that definitely includes when Blair showed up dressed as the most politically incorrect and offensive stripper ever. Minus 10 for Blair. I’ve been telling you all season, girl - check your man! He’s turning you down left and right and yet the insta-hard he got when he saw Nate…well, I’m just saying. Careful. Learn from Eleanor’s journey with Harold. —ABBY_E
“Blair’s plan worked perfectly!” Sage loudly says approximately 4 inches from Serena. Really, no one heard that? Where is Supersonic Ears Abrams when you actually need her? Minus 2 points per ear. —BRANDIE_LARUE
Was it just me or when Bart flew across the room and grabbed Lily did you feel like you were watching a very bad vampire movie? I was waiting for him to bare his fangs and bite her neck. Of course he’d get botox instead of blood. Minus 100 —XRAYCHICKEN
There are just too many parallels to ignore! -air girl Charles is obsessed with? Older woman named after a flower whose husband everyone thinks is dead? Uncomfortably close step-siblings?! If next week Chuck stumbles out of plane wreckage onto a beach and is overcome by smoke reeking mysteriously of weed, it will be clear that Gossip Girl is just a convoluted prequel to Lost. —CROWDGOESWILD
-10 for Monkey being the only one of Chuck’s pets crying outside his door. I wouldn’t doubt there are scratches from Nate’s woeful pleas previously. Why is it that Blair and Nate know who Chuck’s dentist is but NO ONE knows who Chuck’s mother is? -300—GINSOAKEDCECE
This was the Thanksgiving Episode…..where were the french fries from the diner?? – 30 —ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
Has Mark Rylance displaced Tom Hanks as Steven Spielberg’s new muse? Certainly, their creative partnership had an auspicious start — Rylance won the Oscar for his first collaboration with Spielberg, last year’s Bridge of Spies — and they’re back together for Spielberg’s The BFG, which stars a motion-captured Rylance as a Big Friendly Giant who goes on dream-catching adventures with a little girl (newcomer Ruby Barnhill). The big-screen adaptation of Roald Dahl’s classic novel debuted this morning at the Cannes Film Festival, and at the press conference afterward, I asked Spielberg about the unprecedented streak he’s engineered with Rylance: They’re about to film their third movie in a row, an adaptation of the futuristic Ernest Cline novel Ready Player One.
“I just feel lucky to know him,” said a beaming Spielberg as Rylance sat on the dais next to him, circumspect and wearing his trademark hat. “I feel very, very lucky that I got to meet Mark, and even luckier that we became friends. You know, I have a lot of acquaintances over 44 years of directing television and film, and I haven’t brought a lot of people from the movies into my life. I have such respect for Mark, but we have so much fun together as friends, as buddies.”
And when Rylance has a starring role, it makes Spielberg’s job easier. “The thing I pride myself on is I love casting,” Spielberg said. “I think casting is one of the most important things I can do, and one of the most important contributions I can make — even more than directing the actors, just casting the right actors saves me a lot of verbosity.” Still, Rylance’s ability to toggle between two different characters floored even the veteran director: “Being able to see Mark go from the tight-lipped and close-to-the-vest yet very emotional Rudolf Abel [in Bridge of Spies] to suddenly the expansive and generous and sometimes cowardly and always courageous BFG, just to see that before my own eyes, that transformation, was one of the most astonishing experiences I’ve ever had in my entire career of working with anybody.”
Given that they’re shooting three films back-to-back-to-back and Spielberg will next segue to a fifth Indiana Jones movie, I asked him whether he was mulling a role for Rylance opposite Harrison Ford’s iconic adventurer, if only to keep their streak alive. Spielberg laughed and dodged the question, employing a dreamy invention of Dahl to make his case.
“To have the friendship and to have the professional working relationship is just a dream come true,” Spielberg said instead. “That’s my golden phizzwizard.”