Dad's heartbreaking pain at losing two daughters and how he was treated 'like an inconvenience' after their deaths - Hull Live
A heartbroken father has opened up about the pain at losing two baby daughters, and revealed how he was treated differently to his wife after their deaths.
Chris Heale says baby loss affects dads as much as it does mums, but says he was treated like an "inconvenience" when baby Alice died in 2014, and again two years later when the couple lost baby Mia.
The 49-year-old is a father of three, but only has one living daughter. He says he went "mentally out of control" after losing Mia, and now his life will never be the same again.
"When Alice died, I had a lot of sympathy from close friends and family, I was fortunate to have some very supportive people around me who allowed me to talk frankly and openly about my experience. A lot of men don't have this opportunity.
"I fully understand mums being the primary focus - particularly in a medical setting - but to suffer the indignity of being disregarded at such a sensitive time is incredibly hurtful.
"Here's an example of how dehumanizing the process could be; when I went with Rachel to obtain Alice's birth and death certificates I was completely ignored during the process. The focus was entirely on my wife.
'They said 'Hello, Rachel. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Rachel. Take a seat, Rachel. Would you like to go and wait somewhere a bit more private, Rachel?'.
"I felt like shouting 'This is my child too. My tiny daughter. Don't exclude me. I had many similar experiences in the days immediately following Alice's death."
Mr Heale and his wife are the parents of a "wonderful" nine-year-old girl, Charlotte, who Mr Heale says he's eternally grateful for.
In October 2014, the couple's second daughter was born after doctors advised delivering her at 25 weeks due to a failing placenta.
They estimated she would be about 400g when she was born, but she only weighed 330g and was tragically too small to survive.
Mr Heale said: "We tried to be hopeful, but what should have been a joyful occasion quickly turned sour when it became apparent that she was too small to survive.
"Alice lived for an hour. The only thing I could do for my tiny girl was hold her close as she ebbed away. I'll always remember her gentle movements, and the soft grip of her hand on mine.
"Her little life might only have been measured in minutes, but she remains the most powerful person I've ever met.
"The thing I didn't understand before this happened was the concept of losing someone's future as well as losing them," said Mr Heale.
"Alice will never experience the numerous milestones involved in growing up, and knowing this can be every bit as painful as the physical loss itself. It never gets better; the trick is in finding ways to cope.
"Another thing I found difficult was accepting that other people's lives were going on as normal throughout all of this.
"It was as though I was holding onto a fundamentally important secret that no-one, least of all me could understand."
A year and a half later, in March 2016 the unthinkable happened again and Mr and Mrs Heale lost another daughter.
Mia's death was totally unconnected to Alice's. Mia had Edwards Syndrome and Mrs Heale was 18 weeks pregnant when she gave birth.
"There had been progressively worsening problems during the pregnancy, and any hope we might have felt to start with became increasingly diluted as time went by.
"I call this a type of experience the 'death of hope'. It's that creeping desperation when things get progressively bad.
"You end up 'hoping' for ever worsening least-bad outcomes. You know you're getting close to the death of hope when you find yourself thinking 'I really hope my unborn child is seriously physically and mentally disabled'.
"I felt as though I was trying to walk through syrup with a blindfold on, but with absolutely no idea which direction I was supposed to be heading in.
"Everything that had seemed normal no longer was. I had no idea who I was, and though I'm not much closer to knowing the answer now, I've found ways to cover it up, I think that's what we call developing a 'coping strategy'."
Mr Heale said as the months and years pass by he finds himself acutely aware of the stages of development that Alice and Mia would be at.
"I'm in the process of inventing a new normal, and relearning how to exist. This will be a lifelong experience.
"I'm left with a total distrust of 'hope' and a heart that is far softer than before in some ways, and far harder in others.
"Many of the things that troubled me before now seem insignificant. I have a warped perspective on things.
"I've developed a wafer thin veneer of normality, and it's this, as delicate as an eggshell, that enables me to live my life day by day.
"I am constantly grateful for Charlotte. She has been through this experience too, and is fiercely proud and protective of her younger sisters. She has been a big part of the healing process.
"Finally, I feel that in some ways I'm a better person for having gone through all of this. In other ways I'm far far worse."
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