Michael Jackson is a man of confidence. A selfless guy. One who captivates a room of any size, no matter how many stars grace the floor. He teaches us that vanity is by no means a virtue, and for that we are all better people.
Thus, we praise not only his music catalog but look to him for guidance in navigating this cruelest of worlds. That a man of unmatched talent and unrivaled stardom should turn to plastic surgery seemingly every other week can only mean one thing – he is showing us the path to spiritual liberation.
The entire Jackson family is comprised of upstanding citizens and role models, strong-willed folks who put humanity and goodness before selfish wants and desires.
But only Michael could make such a prolific sacrifice – his cherished nose. Sad reports are surfacing and the outlook is grim. It appears Michael’s frequent trips under the knife have finally got the best of him, and a ruthless skin disease threatens the lovely little nose we have come to accept as a vision of perfection.
Because of Michael I will seek a more perfect face. Because of him I will have no rhinoplasty no matter how large and ominous my nose might often seem. Because of him I have seen the light, and there is a fine nose beneath it.
It is the nose given to me at birth. The nose god meant for me to have. And for that I shall never face the dire day when I have no nose at all.
Tagged as Arab Sheik sues Michael Jackson, Funny Shit, Humor, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson is crazy, Michael Jackson lawsuit, Michael Jackson's nose, Michael Jackson's nose fell off, Odd News
Fried chicken enthusiasts can rest easy today, thanks to comforting reports the beloved KFC recipe has at last been safely transported and secured in a secret vault somewhere in the enchanted hills of Kentucky.
Learning the exact contents of this hand-written document – penned by the mystical Colonel himself – has sent fried chicken impersonators through the depths of hell, as countless combinations have failed in the honorable quest of authentically replicating the mythical 11-herb mixture.
Few things have incited greater culinary madness through the ages, with some comparing the importance of the scintillating chicken recipe to that of Jesus’ bread, Emeril’s Caribbean-style chicken, and Bo Jackson’s signature BO Burger.
Naturally, every precaution was taken in transporting the historical document – with many security guards and a handcuff briefcase involved in the covert mission – before it was finally laid to rest in a high-tech vault that will be guarded around the clock by living personnel. And thank God for that.
At any given time, but only two living KFC executives harness the dear privilege of knowing the full recipe, which no doubt qualifies them both for the ‘Luckiest Damn Person Alive Competition’ held annually in Waukee, Iowa.
Merely disclosing a single element of the recipe means instant death by way of the guillotine, a long-standing Kentucky law that has surely survived many Supreme Court challenges, as it is no secret Rehnquist loved nothing more than a late-night bucket of crispy and succulent fried chicken.
Yes, this 68-year-old legend of a recipe is poised to remain a well-kept treasure for at least another 10 years, when slumping sales inspire KFC executives to move the document yet again, to any even bigger vault, with even more human security guards – reminding Americans the Colonel’s chicken is still accessible at your local KFC chain store.Today. And right now.
I myself haven’t eaten the filth in years. Maintaing a good cholesterol level just doesn’t allow for it, I’m afraid. Plus, the grocery store fried chicken tastes just as good, if not much better.
Tagged as Colonel Sanders, Cooking, Current Events, Economic Crisis, food, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, Humor, KFC, Odd News, Politics, Satire
Michael Phelps enjoys a nice toke – Plus, why Olympic champions who get photographed smoking pot make good role models
Supernatural athletic ability may launch one to the pinnacle of the sports world, however, it evidently can help one mature with no more haste than the virgin junior-varsity bench warmers of the world.
That a 23-year-old male engaged in a fuzzy little bong session at a frat party will alarm few. In fact, a 23-year-old male enjoying an occasional toke seems right in line with American tradition, post 1955.
Law students, nurses, veterinarians, trash collectors, political aides – choice of profession has no chemical effect on the innate connection between 20-somethings and the ganja. The synergy between the two is quite remarkable.
And yet once 14 or 15 Olympic gold medals enter the fog, stunned faces steal the majority like somebody just crapped on the president’s shoe. Bemused people all wondering how God’s holy world could ever allow for a sports icon to become the front runner for High Times Man of the Year.
Michael Phelps is without question a legend in the athletic sense, but his frequently impaired and hypocritical judgment reminds us he is no more a role model than a blazed, barely conscious, wannabe Rastafarian in Central Park.
His destiny has become quite predictable: Win a Volkswagen van full of gold medals and make an ass of himself for an encore.
Thus, American media is premature in proclaiming him a role model, for what parent wants his life for their children?
Who says, ‘I want my son to win 6 gold medals, follow it up with a DUI, mend his image by joining a World Anti-Doping Agency program, win another 8 gold medals, get a million dollars from Speedo, have everyone calling, then give my wife a bloody heart attack by getting photographed pulling bong tubes and feeling up a stripper – all in a few-year span.”
Thus, Michael Phelps may be a role model after all, and as important a role model as there ever was. I suspect now I will one day have the ‘Michael Phelps’ talk with my children, emphasizing that while gold medals and endorsements can do a great deal for one’s public image and self esteem, voyeuristic photographers will stop at nothing to leave their wonder world in a ruins of g-strings and bong water.
“So what will it be, son?” I shall ask. “Do you wish for a private life where you are free to smoke marijuana and grope strippers in your spare time, or do you want to be an Olympic champion getting paid millions to pose in a Speedo, never able to freely smoke some marijuana, or perhaps grope a stripper or two, without the whole world going ape shit?”
His initial response will reflect what kind of person he intends to be. My only wish is he passes on the Speedo.
Tagged as Comedy, Current Events, Funny Stuff, Humor, Michael Phelps, Michael Phelps Pot Pictures, Politics, Satire, Sports
Former terrorism mogul and one-time television sensation Osama bin Laden has lugged his crippled bones out of the death box once again, this time calling for jihad hell in Israel until Jerusalem is rightfully or wrongfully (who really knows) returned to the Palestinians.
Bin Laden, the generous soul that he was, also welcomed the President-elect to the world stage with a nugget of invaluable advice, namely that his unthoughtful predecessor is leaving him a pile of shit and he might consider withdrawing American troops if he doesn’t wish to step in it.
Initially, my reaction to this latest installment in The Middle East is Fucked Diaries was “Wow, that inbred clown is still around. Go figure.” Then it was, “Wow, what happened to al-Quaida’s marketing budget? They go from polished militant videos to a barely audible audio recording played over a picture of Osama from 1998? Something’s gone terribly wrong here. Have they not been to Best Buy Dubai lately? Have they not seen the kickass HD camcorders on the market?”
Further analyzing this Wizard of OZ tomfoolery spawned thoughts of my own immortality, and what low-budget production might prolong my own impact beyond these living days. The exact nature and capacity of my impact concerned me little – only how I could prolong the damn thing.
Thus I commenced recording a manifest compilation of random, spontaneous, and often times nonsensical ramblings. No topic escaped my attention. I realized that the recorded word, no matter how outlandish, could ultimately breed everlasting life if the right people managed my affairs after my expiration.
My plan now is to find someone, anyone, to play my tapes (Yes, I’m using tapes) once every six months after my death. Then it will be as if I were alive and well and speaking the fine words of wisdom myself – and in real time, too.
By recording 200 or 300 variations of the same speech – occasionally throwing in a fact I trust will withstand the test of time (Say, the Palestinians and Israelis fighting an everlasting holy war) – and then summoning a responsible and trustworthy colleague to play the tapes while holding up a picture of me (Personal Note: Find old high school baseball photos), then immortality will be mine.
That oafish assclown Osama was a ruthless son of a bitch, but he certainly had it all figured out. What a prodigious mind that rat bastard had to be. Way ahead of his time. And apparently beyond his time to boot.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Current Events, Entertainment, Fitness, Foreign Affairs, Health, Humor, Immortality, News, Odd News, Osama bin Laden, Osama bin Laden tape, Politics, President Bush, Satire, Technology News
Having grown weary from the exhaustive news coverage of our economy being in shambles and the fate of everyone essentially being doomed, I was more than pleased to learn chlamydia is surging like a blind horse in heat.
One can read about new record lows only so many times before he goes madly insane, so this recent report that America’s favorite venereal disease is on the up and up comes at an ideal time. That this economic turmoil has incited a myriad of suicides but hasn’t yet extinguished our desire to have rampant, unprotected, hate sex is just the good news we need right now.
To be quite blunt, I was dangerously close to losing my wits prior to learning of the unparalleled promiscuity and debauchery spreading joy in America. Trudging through an endless stream of depression stories, I likely risked sacrificing my own good heart, clear conscience and generally affable nature before much longer. Something, needless to say, I wasn’t incredibly excited about enduring.
So fortunately my playful dreams will be disrupted by the economic horror stories no longer. Sunshine stories still do come along every now and again. They still do come along.
Tagged as Current Events, Economic Crisis, Financial Crisis, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, Health, Humor, News, Odd News
The common American (to say nothing of the extraordinary American) has come to expect very little of his fellow countrymen, and doing so has enabled meager standards and expectations to fashion comfortable homes in every sector of society, something for which we are all ultimately worse off.
Fearing he might not be governor for much longer, overlooking the shimmering fact his powers have all but been diminished, if not already seized, Rod Blagojevich unbuckled the belt holding up his trousers and gave the President-elect an unmissable shot of his steaming bum.
Despite the strategic tantrums of senate majority leader and the chamber’s most masculine of senators, Harry Reid, Blago saw no good reason why he shouldn’t do his duty as governor and appoint Obama’s senate replacement.
FBI investigations can be quite drawn out and cumbersome, something a man of Blago’s stature can’t have much patience for, so the esteemed governor heroically refused to delay the appointment in these times of frustration and economic turmoil.
Thus Roland Burris, unknown to most before today’s bizarre press conference, became the latest star in this he-said-I-said-the-tape-said saga, and in doing so found his name as the hottest search on Google – a triumphant feat most will never know.
Rightly suspecting team Obama might not immediately embrace his nomination, Blago arranged for Congressman Bobby Rush to join him onstage in order to remind people that Obama’s senatorial departure had left the chamber without any black men at all.
As Mr. Burris is indeed a black gentleman, we must then commend Governor Blagojevich for setting aside all criminal investigations and impeachment threats and the like to serve his nation in the best way he sees fit. Evidently that means telling the President-elect to fuck off, lugging a good man’s name through the mud, and resuming business as usual.
Tagged as Barack Obama, government, Humor, Politics, Rod Blagojevich, Roland Burris, Satire, US Senate
With the historic 2008 elections now clogging the nation’s collective memory, both major parties are striving to quickly bolster their political image with a barrage of confounding spectacles, confusing any and every American willing to pay attention along the way.
Within a bloody fortnight of winning the election Obama was steeped in shit and corruption – no advisable position for a President-elect. Why, Obama had barely commenced searching for his passport and packing his Hawaiian shirts when word spread that his abandoned senate seat was being auctioned on eBay, and apparently going for no small sum.
While Obama evidently had no hand in the seedy negotiations, his name was certainly thrust into the center of the national dialogue, an unfortunate first presidential production for a man riding the righteous tide of Washington’s next great exorcist.
After bathing in the story like a call girl in a pile of bills, people (notably the American media) began questioning whether Blago had even committed a crime. Sure the FBI tapes seemed incriminating enough, however, what would be the condition of our prisons if we arrested every body guilty of proclaiming the desire to commit a crime? It’s not but 10 a.m. and already I have heard six different people say today they wouldn’t mind beheading our current President, and yet another who wished the same for Regis Philbin.
Not a grand opening act for America P.O. (or Post Obama). For unearthing corruption is one thing, but summoning the moral police is quite another. I’m not sure where my readers stand on the issue, yet I for one would rather miss the ability to wish death upon my least favorite public figures, or the opportunity to say I’m two drinks away from holding up a bank to appease my creditors. Actions are actions and speech is speech, and I don’t care to start monitoring my words too closely.
Now the GOP, beaten in November like an unwanted fourth daughter that should have been a first son, hasn’t chosen to seize the moral reins in these trying times – no reinvented image has been introduced hitherto. Instead the GOP seems more than content to perpetuate the unsavory perceptions already debilitating its national viability.
Hoping to become the new Republican National Committee chair, Chip Saltsman thought it rather wise to distribute a CD featuring the infamous “Barack the Magic Negro” song composed by renowned satirist, Paul Shanklin. While this is another form of speech I am fond of, the timing strikes me as a bit off.
One might think Saltsman would at least have waited until after he was awarded the position before disseminating quasi-racist soundtracks. That’s just common sense.
So it doesn’t appear either party is overly concerned with positive party identities as of yet. However, I certainly have high hopes for 2009. A new politics awaits us.
After enjoying my morning coffee with a few riotous news stories exploring the missile hurling competitions in the Middle East, attention was drawn to a recent study examining the true prudence of teens willingly agreeing to the infamous virginity pledge.
Now, initially I saw no connection between the two, as there doesn’t seem an obvious link between the frisky nature of raucous teenagers and the fearless demeanor of the bomb-happy Palestinians and Israelis currently reconfiguring the border along the West Bank.
Yet the more I read, the more I pondered, and the more I compared, it occurred to me that man indeed is a frivolous being, perpetually haunted by an innate instinct to seek and destroy, not long deterred by pesky cease-fire agreements and virginity pledges.
Yessir, restrictive pledges inhibit man for only so long, this evidenced by the hundreds of bombs that have rained from Middle East skies since the cease-fire agreement between Israel and Hamas ended but only 10 days ago; and also reinforced by the alarming conclusions of a recent federal study that found the majority of teenagers pledging to abstain from sex have little intention of earnestly adhering to any of the guidelines.
In fact, these conspicuous teens seem to be taking that pledge out behind the woodshed and defiling it in much haste.
Thus we see the basic instincts of man will forever prevail over arbitrary agreements and pledges, for ploys of peace and purity seem quite nice and pleasing and G-rated and what have you, but nothing sates the soul quite like bombs and orgasms – a fact of the highest caliber.
Certain truths never falter, therefore, what sense is there in pretending east and west might soon exchange sides of the moon? Jews and Palestinians don’t appear overly anxious to exchange niceties, whores never make fine housewives, and the Yankees buy a losing, albeit expensive, team nine years out of ten.
For the first time since 2004, you can get your hands on a barrel of oil for under 40 bucks a pop, and all economic signs point to it becoming the most fashionable and trendy gift this holiday season.
Considered the “ripoff of the summer” when Americans couldn’t hump there way into a barrel for under 140, now oil is flying off the shelves at bewildering rates, prompting some experts to call it the hottest Christmas item since the original Tickle Me Elmo.
Thus I anticipate considerable joy next week, as I celebrate the Yuletides and whatnot by showering my loved ones, all my loved ones, with a their own barrel of bubbling oil.
Indeed, each wayward drop of black gold that flutters to the white carpet below will be but one more symbol of my love and appreciation for those close to me. This is going to be a damn fine holiday season.
Tagged as black gold, Christmas Gifts, Economics, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, Humor, oil prices, slumping economy
The warm welcome President Bush received during visits to Middle Eastern warzones amplified the cuddly affection Iraqi citizens foster for the man besk known for delivering their freedom from tyranny.
“This is your farewell kiss, you dog!” One thrilled Iraqi reporter shouted in Arabic, as he playfully tossed his shoes at the President.
Tossing shoes is evidently a friendly gesture expressing the thrower’s appreciation and gratitude for the recipient, while dogs are historically viewed as a step below only the Gods, making the reporter’s choice of words all the more impressive.
The sentiments behind this ceremonious hurling of the shoes was mirrored in the streets, as thankful Iraqis chanted, “Bush, Bush, listen well: Two shoes on your head!”
As a man of common sense might rightly conclude, two shoes to the head is much better than merely one; therefore, we in America need not be MIT mathematicians to deduce just how much the Iraqis thank President Bush for his strident persistence and clear vision of bringing freedom and democracy to the traditionally confused areas of the Middle East.
Needless to say, President-elect Barack Obama has one tough act to follow, especially with all the nonsense he’s been uttering about ending Mission Iraqi Freedom. I suspect if that’s truly Obama’s intentions once sworn into office, we should not then expect the citizens of Iraq to be hurling any shoes his way anytime soon.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Bush gets shoes thrown at him, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, Humor, Iraq, Iraqi reporter throws shoe at Bush, Politics, President Bush, Sarah Palin, War in Iraq
The state of Illinois is precise and methodical in electing only the most corrupt scumbags to office, especially when it comes to the governorship. Perhaps no other member of the union boasts a better track record of crooked politicians than Illinois, save maybe New Jersey and Louisiana.
It’s rather startling to fathom one state successfully electing such brazen thieves time and time again, an ultimate exercise of participatory democratic destruction. Nevermind the occasional successes like, say, a Durbin or an Obama – Illinois embraces the notion of unsavory, untrustworthy government and should be commended for its ardent devotion to a single set of ideals.
You see, as news breaks of Democratic Governor Rod Blagojevich’s arrests on too many counts of corruption to trouble the WordPress servers with, one must appreciate how bipartisan Illinois corruption really is, for his arrest comes as his predecessor rots in federal prison for racketeering and fraud.
Blagojevich, the silly son of a bitch he is, actually campaigned on, get this, cleaning up the despicable mess left by Republican Governor George Ryan. And, of course, he won!
But, contrary to Blagojevich’s charming beliefs, Illinois didn’t put him in office because they yearned for change, but, rather, because they knew he was just the man to perpetuate the seedy ways of Ryan. Indeed, having realized this soon after the inauguration, Blagojevich embarked on his own term of terror, cutting deals with any and every company with a checkbook.
And Blagojevich, God bless his soul, became so proud of his work in corruption that he fancied extending a dirty hand to the nation’s capitol, offering up the Senate seat left open by Obama’s election to the highest bidder. Now that’s government we can believe in.
It’s now a shame that Blago won’t be around to see what his great work in corruption means to his beloved home state, the Land of Lincoln. But we know this. We know the citizens of Illinois always have a crook lurking in the shadows, and his replacement will perhaps be an even bigger piece of shit than him.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, government, Governor Rod Blagojevich, Humor, Illinois, Illinois Governor Arrested, Illinois Governor arrested for fraud, Odd News, Politics, Rod Blagojevich, Sarah Palin
The disturbed pervert, who stormed through the fame gates with his 1980s songs “Karma Chameleon” and “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me”, was found guilty today of falsely imprisoning one of his teammates from the coke-addled porn stars.
Turns out Georgie lured his unsuspecting victim back to the crib after a porn shoot (creepy), handcuffed him to a wall (creepier), and then proceeded to beat him into submission with a chain (creepy, yes, but also wrong as hell).
The 47-year-old cross dresser reportedly hatched the wicked scheme in retaliation for his victim refusing to sleep with him when they originally met, which highlights just how jumbled Boy George’s head is.
The two starred together in a raunchy pino before heading back to a nasty love palace where handcuffs and chains and lotions awaited, yet George was ticked about not getting that weeks or months or whatever beforehand…Wow.
Just doesn’t make any damn sense. But, then again, neither do songs about chameleons, so what do I know.
O.J. can set the golf clubs down and grab a trash pick, because the only greens he’ll be seeing for awhile will be roadside ditch weeds as he stabs at McDonald’s sacks in his neon orange vest.
Yes sir, the Juice is finally doing time. Six years to life, in fact. Should be brutal. Especially as he sits in his unfinished cell block trying to wrap his meager mind around the bewildering fact a man can actually do hard time for stealing his own shit. Simply dumbfounding, I know, Juice.
But all the glitter isn’t gold, as they say, and the sparks around O.J. Simpson’s once glorified life have faded faster than the 2008 Buffalo Bills.
Perhaps the Juice will use this opportunity to establish a new state of mind, one that doesn’t take orbit around his own greed and self-centered ambitions, one where ex-lovers become friends and fans find equal ground with stars.
Not sure. Nor do I care. The glove fit this time and they used it to keep hands clean while squeezing the freedom juice from Simpson’s fantasy world. Ain’t life grand, that so many can find peace and joy in the unnecessary sorrows of such a confused soul.
Tagged as Barack Obama scandal, Crime and Punishment, Dirty Politics, Funny Shit, Funny Stuff, Humor, News, Odd News, OJ Simpson, OJ Simpson convicted, OJ Simpson Trial, Politics, Sports
A lot of people hate that Karl Rove. They hate him for getting George W. Bush elected. They hate him for nearly succeeding in his devious quest for everlasting conservative rule. They hate him because his wobbly chin(s) just tend to piss people off.
He’s been called ruthless, conniving, underhanded, surreptitious, heartless, and I’m sure even a pole-smoking SOB.
Yet what political mastermind achieves such notoriety without boasting a few of these unsavory traits? Love and warmth seldom imbue the hearts of iconic political strategist, especially those like Rove who consider every angle of character assassination…Like freaking out a bunch of rednecks by insinuating a certain candidate may or may not have an illegitimate child with a black woman, in much the same way Rove and Bush infamously did to John McCain in South Carolina during the 2000 Republican primaries.
Yes, a lot of folks despise that Rove. Wish evil things upon him. Google things like “Hitman for hire” because of him. However, for good or ill, mostly ill, Karl Rove knows politics. He also knows just how much money plays in any given election.
Inspired by the Obama campaign fundraising juggernaut, Rove penned this Op-ed in The Wall Street Journal, where he is a regularly contributor. Essentially, Rove argues that McCain was a victim of his own sword, as the 2002 campaign finance reform he spearheaded with Sen. Russ Feingold ultimately swung back around and sliced off his own manhood during the battle against Barack.
Thus Rove now advocates complete “Freedom of Political Speech” in regards to campaign donations, meaning he wants to give rich Republican donors the opportunity to buy elections, like back in the good old days.
In years past, this idiocy would have warranted an immediate condemnation from this writer, standing behind the pure democratic thought that money should play little to no factor in elections.
Having now considered the many reports of citizens like Bart Simpson and Darth Vader donating to Obama’s campaign via pre-paid debit cards, I concede the issue must be readdressed. I concede that pole-smoking SOB, Karl Rove, might just have a point.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Democratic Party, Humor, Karl Rove, Karl Rove Op-ed, Political Commentary, Politics, Republican Party, Sarah Palin
lleana Ros-Lehtinen might live her life paranoid as a first-time overnight prison guest, but at least she doesn’t suffer from dumb. No, the Republican congresswoman from Florida is sharp, crafty, witty, eloquent, familiar with the U.S. Constitution…
Hell, those traits are mere hearsay, and I have no evidence to support those claims. But whether Ros-Lehtinen is a valedictorian or a varsity football team bicycle is no concern of mine, for at least we know she’s a pure-hearted skeptic, willing to insult the President-elect to preserve whatever dignity she might fancy herself to have.
When Barack Obama extended a benevolent hand across the aisle, Ros-Lehtinen slapped it down like Barry was making an sleazy pass at her thighs. Reports indicate that Obama, then Rahm Emanuel, attempted to phone Ros-Lehtinen, only to hear echos and a freaking click.
There was no malicious intent on her part, Ros-Lehtinen simply thought some limp-dicks from a local radio station were trying to make light of her. Sensing it might be a prank phone call, she played hardball right backand hung up on the bastards…Only it was the next President.
Embarrassing for her, yes. But not quite as humiliating as, say, a clueless Alaskan moosetress believing President Sarkozy of France truly gives two shits and wants to wish her well on the campaign trail. Because, you know, that would be quite the blemish on an otherwise sterling common sense track record.
Tagged as Barack Obama prank phone call, Congresswoman hangs up on Barack Obama, Democratic Party, Funny Stuff, Humor, Odd News, Politics, Republican Party, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin is still stupid
The incompetent stooges of Detroit’s big three are waxing their bikini lines and preparing for another vulgar swimsuit competition before the drunken judges of congress. I suspect the future holds some lap dances for dollars, erotic cries for mercy, and whispers of sweet, sweet nothings into any open ear this side of Chevy Chase.
And it’s all a bitter lie more transparent than the reformed addicts of Hollyweird. (Hey! But these humbled lugs are coming in earnest this time! They’ve even sold off half the private jets to buy Toyota hybrids! These guys are driving to Washington!) Well, that’s a sizzling lump of bullshit.
These flabby cats are bopping into town in a damn clown car and we’re expected to shell out 34 Billion for the performance. Maybe if those pampered scoundrels pulled up in a Greyhound, because even Sarah Palin can take a 16-week course on common sense, but she’s not passing the final without smearing some serious lipstick.
So I say congress relocates that old dusty box of jock straps and do what any respectable sports program would do when sweeping tides pull a good name into the deep waters of underachievement…Fire the bastards and start fresh.
You want America to bail out your company? Sure, we’ll help you. Let’s start by getting a competent coaching staff to replace these clueless hacks.
Tagged as Auto Bailout, Auto Industry, cars, Economics, economy, Government Bailout, Humor, News, Odd News, Politics
God is a mysterious being – no one denies that – but His actions have been quite questionable as of late.
First it was letting Sarah Palin in on the secret that His “Will” inspired Americans to rid the earth of all terrorists. Then it was telling Sarah Palin the prospects for a 2012 run look good. And now He’s even telling truckers to patrol traffic, stopping at nothing to get the lousy drivers off the road.
At least one vigilante driver took God’s wishes to heart, as a San Antonio trucker rammed his truck into some woman’s ride because the Man Upstairs told him “she needed to be taken off the road.”
Apparently God is so far ahead of schedule these days He’s now extended the list of sins to include shitty driving. Right.
Well, we can already see where this is heading. Pleading insanity was a 1990s thing. Now “God’s Will” is the new best defense for criminal believers and lunatics. Which leads me to conclude I should attend service more often. Get in touch with God. See if he can’t tell me to rob a bank or knock off a few convenience shops. Guess He only contacts the good and the righteous. Damn.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Funny, Funny Stuff, God, Humor, Odd News, Politics, Religion, Sarah Palin, Weird News
One has to wonder how the hell Hunter S. Thompson ever got away with living in Colorado. The guy should have done some serious time…and not just for the abundance of mind-bending drugs and explosives…Thompson’s typewriter should have gotten him locked up thrice daily.
The news out of Fort Collins is that some 40-year-old buster was arrested for, get this reader, calling his lady a lousy whore on Craigslist. Ok, perhaps his rhetoric was a weeee-bit more libelous than that (He actually claimed she was giving her lawyer the business in exchange for legal representation), but it sets a startling precedent either way you lube the shaft.
You see, people just don’t get arrested for saying, writing, or publishing that kind of twisted shit these days. Wrists are slapped. Retractions are printed. Apologies are faked. But no one gets 18 months in the “fun shower” for calling his lady a no-good, meddling tramp on the damn “Raves and Rants” section of Craigslist. Maybe in China. Maybe in North Korea. Maybe those blasted Russians even take a pinky toe to prove a point.
But under no circumstances should any American face time for calling a loved one an easy skank – no matter how ludicrous the claims. This is a classic case of “Slander per se” since the guy challenged a woman’s “chastity,” however, such ugly claims are made in every middle school, high school, college, and redneck-infested watering hole 365 days a year.
Should this truly warrant one’s imprisonment? Do we have room for this in American prisons? Do you, reader, personally know anyone outside of your grandmother who hasn’t called someone a whore, even in jest, at one time or twelve others?
You see, the worst part is the actual wording of the Colorado statute that made this arrest possible…Any words “tending to blacken the memory of one who is dead” or to “expose the natural defects of one who is alive, and thereby to expose him to public hatred, contempt or ridicule.”
Jesus! Pretty damn vague if you ask me. Seems quite a few could be picked up on this. The people of Colorado better act fast and fix this preposterous speech limitation, lest they wish to winnow away their remaining days in complete solitude and silence.
And as for Mr. Man with the filthy mind – perhaps he should consider reading up on John Peter Zenger and private investigators before his hearing, because if his lady is as naughty as he claims, this could be a quick and easy defense.
If they’re down, kick the rascals in the ribs – it’s the only means for solidifying a new social order.
Rush Limbaugh’s fat jaw has been jiggling with trepidation since the “far left” won the election and established a sizable advantage in both houses of congress. The pill-popping propagandist’s fears continue snowballing each broadcast, as he laments the restoration of the Fairness Doctrine and what terrible fate awaits his paranoia kingdom if such a nightmare comes true.
And why wouldn’t he be frightened – conservative talk radio has experienced unparalleled growth since the doctrine was abolished in 1987. 10-1! That’s the advantage these chatty fear-mongers and religionados have in the market, so it’s no surprise they’ve chomped their nails down to bloody stubs in recent months.
With Obama’s victory comes the appointment of a Democrat to the most influential post in the FCC – the chairman – as well as the highly influential five-person panel.
This would seemingly spell doom for the Limbaughs and Sean Hannitys of the world, yet there’s no evidence Obama even supports the Fairness Doctrine, let alone aims to re-establish its restrictive measures since it challenges aspects of the First Amendment. In fact, Limbaugh’s daily temper tantrums will ultimately prove a waste of raw energy and emotion…though, that’s nothing beyond the ordinary. That’s what talking heads do – stoke public outcries and watch the ratings soar.
Free hookers and booze will find the streets before “fairness” ever realistically hits the airwaves, yet the eventual move to “localism” could spawn a similarly daunting effect, as the FCC forms “community advisory boards” to determine whether a respective station is adequately addressing the public needs of local citizens, fining those that fail to meet the requisite standards (whatever those may be).
What will happen is the hardcore conservative areas (fewer and fewer of these black holes exist each year) will pass with the flying colors of a Cirque de Soleil acid trip, while the other 94 percent of the under-represented country will insist on more progressive programming.
And that sucks for Rush’s kingdom, where subordinates cower under beds with swords ready, listening attentively to the puppet master as he forecasts the imminent demise of everything American…BOO!
What Humpty neglects to address during his insufferable rants and tangents is that his own eventual fall from the wall won’t be the product of crazy liberal doctrines sweeping him away with a spurt of hocus pocus, but because more enlightened Americans are reaching for the dial each day, leaving the dick in a box to continue rambling on and on and on all by himself…
Either way, liberals and Fairness Doctrines won’t be the cause of conservative talk radio’s death – the temper, tone and content already does a damn fine job killing off its own creators.
Tagged as Conservative Radio, Fairness Doctrine, FCC, First Amendment, Fox News, Freedom of Speech, Hannity and Colmes, media, Politics, Rush Limbaugh, Rush Limbaugh is a douche, Rush Limbaugh sucks, Sean Hannity
The ruling Communist Party of China has a thorn up its ass, and it goes by the name Guns N’ Roses. We should then expect some form of attack, for one is surely imminent. Not an attack on America as a whole, but specifically that greasy bandanna-rocking clown Axl…I imagine Slash is under siege just the same.
GNR’s highly-anticipated album Chinese Democracy is just too free spirited for the paranoid erectors of mysterious walls, as the state sponsored Global Times denounced the mildly provocative album of, “venomously attacking,” the rising superpower.
Thus record sales of the 14-year project (GNR began production of the sure-fire classic in 1994) will suffer to no end in China…mostly because it will be outlawed…but also because the Chinese aren’t stupid.
Communism must fry a black, charred trail through the vulnerable pastures of one’s mind, but I suspect the perceptions of reality are not so devastated and damaged to the point its victims are forever incapable of classifying shitty music when they hear it.
So while it’s imperative we commend the Chinese government for rejecting this lame musical offering from society, I fear the move was quite unnecessary – no matter how many democratically inspired lyrics grace the album’s songs, freedom lyrics aren’t saving this album, or band, either way.
Alan Colmes is leaving Sean Hannity. The relationship became too nasty and abusive for the limp Colmes to endure yet another year of savage beatings and taunts and black eyes, so he’s filing his papers and seeking some much needed psychiatric attention – a well deserved respite if I’ve ever seen one.
The 12-year marriage will officially dissolve at the year’s end, when Colmes leaves to “pursue other creative projects” within the Republican National Committee’s official network, Fox News. The loan liberal on a star studded station of neo-cons and Bushites will reportedly continue contributing on his radio show and a new weekend pilot, however, his days of verbal sparring with that smug and pretentious Hannity shall be no more.
Which is rather sad when you reminisce on all the good times they’ve had, launching vicious attacks at one another’s party ideology and coming close to blows on numerous occasions. Colmes was vastly outnumbered, the entire network against him, yet somehow managed to hold his own. Thus I’m saddened by the thought of him leaving the show without ever having jammed a dull, lead pencil into Hannity’s right eye.
Too many opportunities escaped him, and I clearly recall at least 300 moments of unbridled Hannity condescension when I said, “This is it, this is when that little pussy Colmes finally stabs that cock Hannity in the goddamn eye with a dull, lead pencil. This is it!”
But it never happened. And now Colmes is calling it quits while turning in his badge and pocket protector.
Tagged as Alan Colmes leaves Hannity and Colmes, Barack Obama, Cable News, Democratic Party, Fox News, Hannity and Colmes, Humor, John McCain, Politics, President Obama, Republican Party, Sarah Palin, Satire, Sean Hannity, Writing
Fat people are people, too – that’s just accepted science. Perhaps they suffer inconveniences and alienation unknown to the rest, but pound for pound they are just as human as their undersized brethren.
However, now those afflicted by clapping man titties, cottage cheese thighs, and bubbling and bulging waist lines will be considered more than mere people. They are now super people…Yes, super people with the rights of two citizens.
You see, the Canadian Supreme Court (in the most perplexing of all rulings) has concluded each ass cheek should be given equal rights, at least when it comes to traveling on commercial jets. Therefore, Canadian airlines must now sell the extraordinarily healthy folks two seats for the price of one, if, of course, their bloated asses cannot comfortably fit into seats fitted for the common man.
Wow. Fucking wow. I am an ardent supporter of all things equality, but this is downright egregious. The skinny man gets the long, cold and rigid shaft, as his chubby counterparts reap the benefits of luxury seating on account of their inflated rumps trumping standard seat sizes.
That’s just fucking crazy. And it’s only the first step in a long and dirty trend that will unfold as people get fatter and more pissed off about it. If fat people are getting away with this today (given it’s only Canada) then we can only imagine what startling perks they will be rewarded in the coming decades.
The little man better bulk up now. Double Whoppers for everyone. Skinny folks can’t afford to fall behind. There’s too much riding on it. The porkers of the world have spoken, and they now hold all the cards. And apparently all the seats, too.
Tagged as Canadian Supreme Court rules fat people get two seats, Current Events, Fat people, Humor, News, Odd News, Supreme Court Ruling
My esteemed, albeit irrational and afflicted, colleague I.M. Fletcher brought this remarkable video to my attention. While I’m sure I would have stumbled across it in time, it brings me greater joy knowing this priceless entertainment came from such an appreciative source.
Sarah Palin has endured seismic humiliation since slithering into the limelight, mostly due to her utter stupidity and mind-boggling ability to slaughter the English language with every sentence (or attempt at a sentence) she speaks.
While conducting a nice little local interview and sounding surprisingly more coherent and relevant than we are accustomed to hearing, the curious eye cannot help but gaze directly at the worker giving a turkey the business in the background. Which likely explains why this is the best performance offered hitherto by the Alaskan moosetress – your mind can’t process a word she says. All you can do is stare, mesmerized, as the poor turkey’s head is grinded brutally to a pulp in the distance.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Humor, John McCain, Politics, Sarah Palin, Sarah Palin interview with Turkey killed in background, Sarah Palin Scanadal, Sarah Palin Turkey, Sarah Palin Turkey Interview, Turkey Sarah Palin
These two clowns are worse than Whitney and Bobby Brown. One day they’re cuddling on the campaign trail, unforced smiles and waves for the camera, only to abandon the bond 36 hours later, projecting fictitious distance and autonomy while confusing the shit out of people.
Which is what makes this Clinton-Obama political love affair and political warfare so addicting for everyone watching – even more so for the enamored fiends who have followed this combative grudge match through each fiery day of the last two years. This is Ali-Frazier, except now archenemies are teaming up for the good of mankind…or so it seems.
Barack needs the Clintons and the Clintons need him, but I’ll be damned if any of them openly admits as much. When the situation requires one of them to suck it up and offer an endorsement of sorts, such lines are visibly forced from their mouths, a look of contempt and agitation dominates their eyes and expression.
Thus there are some parts admiration and some parts hatred in this ongoing feud, with the latter winning out most times. Especially now that Barack is offering Clinton a piece of the action in his race to history.
Hillary knows 2016 is a painful and impossible dream, so accepting Barack’s Secretary of State invitation is her last and best shot at some feable grasp of glory. Her downplaying the position, posing an auro of pseudo-disinterest and snobby foolishness, is a farmer selling a dead donkey as a prized bull because no one’s buying that shit. She just wants it to seem as though Barack needs her more, like he’s pining for her love and affection, like she’s that piece of Grade-A ass he got back in college and has been fantasizing about everyday since.
And he is. He desires the most talented minds to be in his company – yet sometimes prodigious minds bring a circus of tricks and jokers along with them on tour. With Hillary on board, Barack’s mission will be to continually convince everyone he’s, in fact, the almighty ring leader and that some gross mutation won’t spawn a third Clinton term somehow.
By inviting Hillary (and thus Slick Willie) into the administration, Obama realizes the power sacrifice he’s conceding – he’s far too strategic and observant not to. However, by letting this offer flutter in the stale air of cable news commentary for the past week, Obama has once again turned the attention away from himself and onto the Clintons, the kind of maneuver that ultimately seized momentum toward winning the nomination, when media personalities lodged their heads in the trash and spent a week questioning Bill’s admiration for candidates of color, forgetting there was even a blasted race going on in the background.
And it’s a brilliant diversion on Barack’s part. There’s a feel that he wants Hillary but doesn’t need Hillary. The way it should be, for it takes a trailer park of great people for an administration to succeed in the eyes of present day thinkers. Historians, on the other hand, generally remember only one name when writing the books of presidential blunders and glories. No matter what happens, Barack better make sure it’s his name on the cover.
Tagged as Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary and Barack, Hillary Clinton, Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State, Humor, Obama's Administration, Political Commentary, Politics, The Clintons, Writing
Our beloved plumber’s crack split the news headlines once again, as it has been determined that an Ohio state agency director approved dubious and unnecessary background checks on Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as John McCain’s crooked campaign crutch.
Jesus to fuck, can’t a guy reap absolutely undeserved fame without people clawing through his trash in search of the mucky sludge on which the American machine runs? Is there no shame funneling through the veins of these atrocious gossip-mongers?
Well, I say someone owes poor Joe an apology. Or at least a damn convincing explanation, something the seedy and conniving Helen Jones-Kelley couldn’t offer her superior, however. The Department of Job and Family Services director faltered miserably when asked to explain these 18 unwarranted checks, and now Gov. Ted Strickland is in her ass hardcore, suspending HJK for a month sans pay.
But not for poor Joe the Plumber, who will never again know dignity. The humiliation cost the 48K-a-year man a chance at one day owning that shiny plumbing company on the hill. Now he wallows and whines his way into the night, with nothing but a book deal and potential country music record to rely on. I fear I may never understand the purpose of life’s harsh unfairness.
There’s beef and beans between 50 Cent and Taco Bell. Expect corpses to start piling up because this feud could get nasty in the streets. Many will parish. Bloodied chalupas scattered in the hood.
The lisp-riddled rapper is pissed at the Tex-Mex giant because the latter hoped he might consider temporarily changing his name to 79 Cent or 89 Cent or even – you ready for this shit? – 99 Cent to spearhead an unprecedented marketing campaign bringing hip hop and crappy Mexican food together at last.
Well, this clearly challenged a “gangsta’s” street cred, and now Curtis “Can’t Act” Jackson is seeking mad paper for trademark infringment. Ok. So this gangster ass rapper will embarrass himself on the big screen and pimp diluted vitamin piss water, but he’s worried that hawking tacos is going to diminish his reputation. Whatever you say. Stay hood, buddy.
The three stooges of Detroit are dead broke and need money to pay the bookies and dealers. Don’t we all. This debilitating epidemic of corporate bailouts will soon bring about the death of failure. Worries will cease to exist, as CEOs realize the government prefers Nintendo world to these savage realities.
Oh, your stock died? Fuck it, here’s some cash, just restart the game and don’t screw it up this time. Jesus, you fucked up again. Whatever, here’s some more cash. Try harder this time.
Indeed, the American business world is devolving into a college dorm room, where bong hits for Jesus blur the tedious line between failure and a fresh slate. It’s disconcerting, but who the hell didn’t love freshman year?
So rather than waste even an ounce of the energy or spirit I will undoubtedly need later in life, I will save the verbal crucifixions of the auto industry for another time. If they want more money to build even more of the antiquated gas-guzzlers that no one is buying and never will, then who am I to suggest they embrace the evolving technologies of the industry. Lord knows Toyota isn’t begging for cheddar.
Instead I will wholeheartedly welcome the welfare tactics that aim to undermine the working man’s motivation. If I haven’t yet failed with the best of them, thus necessitating the need for a healthy government check, then perhaps my mission should be forming a coalition of failures to strengthen this lone voice of need.
There is power in numbers. The government won’t consider the bailout of one man, only that of many. If you’re unemployed, broke, and in need, then the government shall be your savior. If you’re gainfully employed but have grown weary of the daily grind, so too shall you find salvation in the undeserved riches of our lords in Washington. There’s bailout checks to be had. Everyone can cash in. Now is our time to say fuck it and start over.
Tagged as Auto industry bailout, bailouts, Barack Obama, Barack Obama supports government bailout of auto industry, cars, Entertainment, Entertainment News, Funny Shit, government bailouts, government bails out auto industry, Humor, News, Odd News, Satire, Writing
Diane Sawyer’s tireless tentacles have slithered around yet another monumental catch, and this one smells like an epic tale.
Eliot Spitzer’s high-class whore wants to open up the forbidden satchel of naughty memories, and who better to lob the juicy questions than the great Sawyer. Damn, this should be a show!
You see, Sawyer has scraped a bottomless cradle of closed minds – world leaders, iconic Hollywood skanks, crooked politicians, gifted thinkers, transcendent beings, J-Lo’s horse ass, the whole bucket of slop – but the numbing monotony can never rival the sheer pleasure derived from watching a true sex goddess ratting out her slaves.
Not that I don’t sympathize with Spitzer. The man was doing a commendable job and he was well respected, yet occasionally the unrelenting instincts of man seem to require some form of strange satisfaction. However, this is what comes with getting caught freelancing in these conflicted and hypocritical times.
Indeed, I would freely wage a thousand dollars that at least eight people on set during the filming have tickled a neighbor or two or twelve, like the great Sawyer herself!
And yet I’d wager another thousand that none of those affairs was with an upper-class call girl pulling down 6 six figures a year. Spitzer at least has some freaking standards.
The recent discovery of Sarah Palin’s secret doodles, drawn during her time on the Wasilla City Council in 1996, clearly illustrate the confusion that has forever plagued this woman’s mind. This doodle was originally sketched by the Alaskan artist to adequately exhibit her qualifications for public office. This serves as evidence that those reasons were just as confusing and chaotic then as they are now.
Here, by contrast, is a doodle done by President Warren G. Harding, one of the country’s biggest political travesties. While the artist doesn’t offer us much substance, we cannot easily dismiss the clarity and depth of his vision. That vision is evidently of throwing a handful of shit against a brick wall…Well, a first-year art student would be satisfied with this art deco effort nonetheless.
And lastly we have this doodle done by Charles Manson while awaiting trial for his heinous crimes. Observers must appreciate the self-image he projected – the duality of man, if you will. Alright, alright, we’re stretching it here. But it somehow seemed oddly fitting for these three pieces to come together as a definitive statement on the doodles offered to us by some of America’s most disappointing citizens.