Year: 1871

True History of Robinson Crusoe.


By THE "FAT CONTRIBUTOR"
Robinson Crusoe was born with an ardent
longing for the sea. Some might call it
notion of his, but it was an ocean he was
long time in getting over, if he ever got
byer entirely. This longing for the sea
manifested itself at very tender age,
though it is hard to think Of Robinson as
tender at any age, his career was so very
tough. When they tried to teach his infant
lips to pronounce the letters of the alpha
bet they never got beyond the G. A and b
went we'll enoug gh, but when he got on the
G there he stuck, strangely prophetic in
dication of what his future life was to be.
when he cried it was on G sharp, and when
got old his bark was on the G.


AS he grew older he yearncd constantly
to be on the water, to the great disgust OF
his father, who was on the whisky. He
.used to sit for hours on canal bridge near
his fathers door, and as the boats passed
under imagine he was plowing the mighty
Deep 1t was so much easier than plowing
out corn. He hadn't any mast to climb,
but in the absence of mast he would
ssclimb" his younger brother, or any other
neighbor's boy who wasn't quite his size.


But he sighed for other climbs. He was
irresistibly inclined to ramble, so much that
he rambled in his talk, his ideas being all
abroad.


When at last he announced his determin-
alton to go for sailor his father endeavored
to dissuade him from it. "sWhy," said the
old man, with tears in his eyes and chok-
ing voice, "why 60 for asailor when there are
many people to 60 for who have more mon
ey?" =


Then he pointed out the disadvantages OF
life upon the oceau-how he couldn't be in
early nights, or take long walks over the
hills before breakfast. or so buggy riding
with the girls (unless he could borrow the
captains gig) or go to :he beer gardens
Sund " nights, or cone in when it rained,
or 90 squirrel hunting, OF attend ward meet
ings, or vote, unless he happened to be at
one or the OTHER of the "Foies," or receive
a line from any of his friends, with the sell
tary exception of the Equinoctial Line.


lie tried to show how much better off ne
would be to pursue some steady employment
on land, if it wasn't anything more than
steadying himself by lamp post. He
pointed out the pcrils of the sea-told OF
the s:old salts that had been drowned in it,
producing its salty favor, and Of the dltl-
Guilty green hand encounters in wadlng
ashore when storm arises. =


He cited as a warning the case Of another
one, who, against bis fathers warnings and
expostulations, ran away and enlisted as
soldier in the Mexican War, where he was
killed by falling from the mast head while
charging a battery.


Young Crusoe was so deeply affected by
his fathers words that he made up little
bundle that very night and ran away to sea
how it was himself. ....


He was met with numerous adventures
and disasters before he succeeded in getting
himself shipwrecked sufficiently to make out
narrative for general circulation. The
first vessel he embarked on was wrecked in
Yarmouth Roads, it being so 'dar and
stormy they could not tell one road from
another. After that the vessel was captured
by pirates, and all hands sold into slavery to
the Moors, the Moors being Ignorant of the
fourteenth and fifteenth amendments, and
refusing to accept these amendments as con-
stitutional, and scorning any 'new depart
ure," Crusoe took his departure in the old
manner-he ran away.


We next find him on board avessel sailing
for Guinea. They have, miscellaneous
cargo Of trinkets, toys and trifes, which
they propose to exchange with the inhablt-
ants of Guinea for gold dust, elephants
teeth, Guinea pigs, &C., also any able-bodied
lAfricans who in their eagerness for the bal
lot are ready to leave home and work for
few generations for nothing.


They voyaged prosperously for many days
but at length great storm arose. IT L re-
collect right it caught them when they were
in the seventh degree of Masonry, twenty
two minutes and fourteen seconds to prize
fight, P. NJ, North latitude, with the wind
blowing North East by East by South-Sou-
West by North Nor West by East by Feast.
by Newest by-by jimminy, this is too
much sailor lingo for me.


It was too much for Crusoe as well. The
tornado increased in violence, and the waves
rose higher than he had eser known them
to be, even when gold was ESQ. The vessel
was wrecked on an island, every soul lost
except our hero, who in his bewildered state
thought it was rough to save Robinson and
lose the rest of. the Crusoe.


He was washed ashore aftor being pretty
thoroughly washed on the. sea, and as
soon as the waves subsidized he brought
away from the wreck few such necessaries
as a keg of beer, q hoop skirt, billiard
table, a box of paper collars, deck of cards,
pair of eorsets, compass, case Of Wal
tons Bitters, bottle of hair dye, an UNI
brella, volume of the Congressional Globe,
aboot-jack, piano stool, cigar-holder and
bottle of DR.. Kerr's Renovator. With
these articles hc hoped to get along very
comfortably.


am very particular to mention this
because he didn't act as many do-go and
sue the insurance companies before trying to
save anything.