Year: 1873

REPORT OF A MAN WHO KEPT HOUSE
WHILE HIS WIFE WAS OFF FOR TIE SUM
MER.-My wife HIS gone away for the
summer, and left me in full charge OF
the house. l like it; hayn't had such a
run of liberty since We were married. l
hope she's having good time, for !
can now exercise my rights at the head
of the family. Can't do it when she's
at home; she'll not stand it. She has
rules, and makes everybody about her
toe the mark. But I've got her now,
! and am having things my own way.


This morning came home quite ear
". 1t was 3 A. NJ. I'd been to the
club and got caught out in the rain.
For half an hour couldn't find the key
hole, which must have got mislaid. |
felt for it everywhere, and even got
down into the yard and examined every
brick, but couldn't find it. | was in the
act of calling one of my neighbors, and
asking him who had carried off my
front door, when l happened to find 1t
and get into the house.


In the dark / kicked over a spittoon,
but luckily didn't get any of the tobacco
juice on my boots. | hung my overcoat
and umbrella on the prong Of the chan
delier, let them drip on the parlor car
pet, went up stairs and turned in with
my boots on. thought it wasn't worth
while to pull them of, as l would have
to get up in eight or ten hours anyhow.
If my wife had been at home she'd have
had me looking an hour for the boot
Jack, and | would have lost that amount
of rest which my system so much need
ed. Beside she'd have made me give n
full account of myself, which | don't
like to do. never did believe in prais-
inc myself. It's better to let others
speak of ones virtues. | can now wear
shirt week and it's nobody's bust
ness. | don't see how | ever did get
along with that woman. The idea OF
having to put or clean shirt, black
my boots, and brush up my clothes ev-
cry morning, is simply ridiculous. 1t
is a miracle to me how | ever did IT and
attend to my other affairs. | now read
the morning paper without being forced
to see an impatient woman standing
with her dress in one hand, looking very
miserable, and telling me she is going
down town and wants that paper. Any
one, looking at the house now, would
know there's no woman about, every
thing is so quiet and comfortable and
handy. If want to do little fgur-
ing | don't have to hunt up pencil, or
pen and ink, but just sit down to one
the tables and do it with my fingers,
and there's nobody to be eternally
welding dusting brush around my
bed and telling me to get up out OF the
way until the house is cleaned up.
These are considerations that every
married man should ponder over. But
when we do ponder and resolve, what
good does it do? That's the question,
that is now agitating the American peo
pie. What good does it do Not
bit. If these women can't have every
thing just their own way, they swoon
off into Mysteries. AS consequence
we have to pay q fifty dollar doctor bill,
and stay in the house all day tanning
them, and promising in the end that
1--WE may be happy yet" before they
show any disposition to compromise
Our wives are petted too much. And
this reminds me that mine wont yield
to any other treatment. undertookto
prescribe a more stringent remedy for
her one day, but it threw her into a fit
more like jimjams than anything |
know Of She broke every plate in the
house over my head, and then | had to
kiss her before she would promise not
to do it again That's what makes me
say she is set in her ways.


There, too, are the piano and guitar,
which she kept going from morning
until midnight, filling the whole neigh
borhood with the discordant sounds
which she called music Both are as
mute as the bird cage which was yacat-
ed last week by stragetic movement
of the cat.


The two hundred pots of flowers she
left me to cultivate | don't think will
produce much of a crop. They're near
ly all ripe now, and there's no sign Of
flower yet. have watered them twice
since she left, but it did no good. L
reckon they miss her, and are pining
away because she amt here. In this
respect they do not resemble me TO any
alarming extent.


Our kitchen never looked better. The
stove and pipe have assumed beauti
ful red tint, and the pots are bringing
forth fine crop of white looking yege-
table mould, which | haven't learned
the name of but she'll know it when
she comes. The dishes don't look
quite as bright and clean as they might,
but the flies are bad this year, and if |
were to wash them every two weeks
they wouldn't present respectable ap-
pearance.


Notice to the Editor.-Please sup
press that article sent you about my
'Spell of Single Blcssedness. The old
woman has got back.


a WORD TO WORKING PEO-
PIE OF BOTH SEXES.-Mechanics,
artisans, factory hands, and people who


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