Year: 1873




PUTTING up a stove is not so difficult in
itself. 1t is the pipe that raises four-fifths
of the mischief and all the dust. You
may take down a stove with all the care
in the world, and have your wife put
away the pipe in secure place, and yet
that pipe won't come together as it was
before. You find this out when you are
standing on a chair with your arms full
of pipe and your mouth full of SCOT.
Your wife is standing on the floor in a
position that enables her to see YOU, the
pipe and the chair, and here she gives ut
terance to those remarks that are calcu-
lated to hasten man into the extremes of
insanity. Her dress is pinned over her
waist, and her hands rest on her hips She
has got one of your hats on her head, and
your linen coat on her back, and a pair of
your rubbers on her feet. There is about
five cents worth of pot-black on her nose,
and lot of -four on her chin, and alto
gether she is a spectacle that would in
spire dead man with distrust And
while you are up there trying to circum-
vent the awful contrariness of the pipe,
and telling that you know some fool has
been mixing it, she stands safely on the
floor, and bombards you with such domes-
tic notices as whats the use of swear
ing so?" "You know no one has touched
that pipe" You amt got more patience
than a child" "Do be careful of that
chair" And then she goes of, and reap
pears with an armful Of more pipe, and,
before you are aware of it, she has got
that pipe so horribly mixed up that it
does seem no pieces are alike


You join the ends and work them to and
fro and to and fro again, and then you
take them apart and look at them. Then
you spread one out and jam the other to-
gether, and mount them once more. But
it is no 60. You begin to think the pieces
are inspired with life, and ache to kick
them through the window But she does
MT lose her patience. She goes around
with that awfully exasperating rigging on,
with length of pipe under each arm, and
a long-handled broom in her hand, and
says she don't see how il is some people
never have any trouble putting up a stove.
Theny you miss the hammer You don't
see it anywhere. You stare into the pipe,
along the mantel, and down on the stove,
and off to the floor. Your wife watches
you, and is finally thoughtful enough to
inquire what you are looking after, and on
learning pulls the article from her pocket.
Then you feel as if you could get out
doors and swear hole twelve feet square
through block of brick buildings, but
she merely observes: "Why on earth
don't you speak when you want anything,
and not stare around like a dummy?"
When that part of the pipe which goes
through the wall is up, she keeps
it up with her broom, while you
are making the connection, and
stares at il with an intensity that is entire
ly uncalled for All the while your posi-
tion is becoming more and more interest
ing. The pipe don't 60 together, of
course. The SCOT shakes down into your
eyes and mouth, the sweat rolls down your
face and tickles your chin as it drops of,
and it seems as if your arms are slowly
but surely drawing out of their sockets
Here your wife comes to the rescue by in
quiring if you are going TO be all day do
ing nothing and if you think her arms
are made of cast iron, and then the broom
slips off the pipe, and in her endeavor to
recover her hold she jabs you under the
chin with the handle, and the pipe comes
down on your head with its load of fried
SCOT, and the chair tilts forward enough TO
discharge your feet, and you come down
on the wrong end of that chair with
force that would bankrupt pile-driver


You don't touch that stove again. You
leave your wife examining the chair and
bemoaning its injuries, and go into the
kitchen and wash your skinned and bleed
ing hands with yellow soap. Then you
go down street after man to do the busi-
ness, and your wife goes over to the neigh
bors' with her chair and tells about its in
juries, and drains the neighborhood dry Of
its sympathy long before you get home
Ddnburu Netos.r ,.s ., '-.