Year: 1876




The first notice that was taken of me when
"settled down" recently was by gentleman
who said he was an assessor, and connected
with the United States Internal Revenue De-
partment. l said 1 had never heard of his
branch Of business before, but was very glad
to see him, all the same; would he sit down
He sat down. did not know nything partc-
ular to say, and yet felt that people who have
arrived at the dignity of keeping house must
be conversational, must be easy and sociable
in company. So, in default of anything else to
say, 1 asked him if he was opening his shop in
our neighborhood.


He said he was. II did not wish to appear
ignorant, but had hoped he would mention
what he had for sale.]


I ventured to ask him chow was trader" and
he said ''SO-so."


l then said we would drop in, and if we liked
his house as well as any other, we would give
him our custom.


He said he thought we would like his estab-
lishment well enough to confne ourselves to it
said he never saw any body who would go and
hunt up another man in his line after trading
with him once.


That sounded pretty complacent, but barring
that natural expression of villainy which we
all have, the man looked honest enough.


do not know how it came about, exactly,
but gradually we appeared to melt down and
run together, con, ersationally speaking, and
then everything went along as comfortably as
clockwork.


We talked, and talked, and talked-at least
did And we laughed, and laughed, and laugh
| ed-at least he did. But all the time l had
my presence of mind about mel had my ma
tive shrewdness turned on, "full head" as the
| engineers say. l was determined to find out all
about his business, in spite of his obscure an
swers-and was determined would have it
out of him without his suspecting what was
at. l meant to trap him with deep, deep
ruse. would tell him all about my own busi-
ness, and he would naturally so warm to me
during this seductive burst of confidence that
he would forget himself and tell me all about
his affairs before he suspected what was about.
1 thought to myself, my son, you little know
what an old fox you are dealing with. said
|
lecturing this winter and last fall"


"No-dont believe could, to save me. Let
me see-let me see. About two thousand dol
lars, maybe? But no-no, sir, l know you
couldn't have made that much. Say seventeen
hundred, maybe?"


"Ha-ha! I know you couldn't. Ny lecturing
receipts for last spring and this winter were
fourteen thousand, seven hundred and fifty dol
lars. What do you think of that?"


"Why, it is amazng-perfectly amazing l
will make a note of it. And you say even this
wasn't ?"


"Ah! Why, bless you, there was my incom e
from the Buffalo Express for four months
about about-well, what should you say to
about eight thousand dollars, for instance?"


'Say? Why, l should say 1 should like to
see myself rolling in just such another ocean Of
affiuence. Eight thousand! I'll make note Of
it. Why, man land on top of all this l am to
understand that you had still more income1"


"Ha-ha-ha! Why, you're only in the suburbs
of it, so to speak. There's my book, THE In.
nocents Abroad'-price, $3.50 to SIS, according
to the binding. Listen to me. Look me in the
eye. During the last four months and half
saying nothing OF sales before that-but JUS
simply during the four months and a half end
ing March Is, 1870, we've sold ninety
thousand copies of that book Ninety i've
thousand! Think of It'll Average four dollars &
copy, say. It's nearly four hundred thousand
dollars, my SOM get half"


'.The tuffering Moses I'll set that down.
Fourty seven, ffty-eighty-two hundred
Total, say-well, upon my word, the grand to
tai is about two hundred and thirteen or four
teen thousand dollars. Is that possible?"


possible! If there's any mistake it's The
other way. Two hundred and fourteen thous
and, cash, is my income for this year if know
how to cipher"


Then the gentleman got up to go. 1t cam'
over me most uncomfortably that maybe hat
made my revelations for nothing, besides be
ing hattered into stretching them considerably
by the strangers astonished ordinations
But no; at the last moment the gentleman
handed me large envelope and said it con
tanned his advertisement; and that l woult
find out all about his business in it, and tina
he would be happy to have my custom-would
in fact, be proud to have the custom of a mai
of such prodigious income; and that he used Il
think that there were several wealthy men il
Buffalo, but when they came to trade with hin
he discovered that they barely had enough +
live on and that in truth it had been such
weary, weary age since he had seen rich NAL
face to face, and talked with him, and touches
him with his hands, that he could hardly re
frain from embracing me-in fact, would es
TEEN it a great favor if l would let him embrac
!. me.


This so pleased me that did not try to re
sist, but allowed this simple hearted strange
to throw his arms about me and weep fey
tranquilizing tears down the back of my neck
Then he went his way.


As soon as he was gone l opened his adver
tisement l studied it attentively for four min
utes. then called up the cook and said:


"Hold me while faint. Let Maria turn tn
butter-cakes."


By-and-by, when came to, sent down
the rum-mill on the corner and hired an arti'
! by the week to sit up nights and curse ths
/ stranger, and give me lift occasionally in th
, daytime when l came TO hard place