smithclay/nortonstories huggingface dataset:
Year: 1871

THE THREE jolly HUSBANDS Three Jolly
husbands, out in the country, by the name of
Tim Watson Joe Brown and Bill Walker sat
late one evening drinking at the village tavern,
until, being pretty well corncd, they agreed
that each on returning home should do the
first thing his wife told him. in default of which
he should, the next morning, pay the bill.
They then separated for the night, engaging
to meet the next morning and give an honest
account of their proceedings at home, SO tar as
they related to the bill. The next morning,
Walker aud Brown were early at their posts,
hut it was some time before Watson made his
appearance. Walker began first You see,
when | entered my house the candle was out,
and the fire giving but a ,iimmering OF light,
| came near walking accidentally into a pot of


batter that the pancakes were to be made of


next morning. My wife, who was dreadiuly


out Of humor at setting up so late, said to me


sarcastically: Bill, do put your foot in the
batter. just as you say, Maggy. said |, and


without the least hesitation put my foot into


the pot of batter, and went to bed. Next,


Joe Brown told his story: ." My wife had al


ready retired in our usual sleeping room which


adioins the kitchen, the door Of which was


aiar; not being able to navigate you know
perfectly, made dreadful gathering among


the household furniture, and my wife, in no


very pleasant tone, hawlod out: DO break


the porridge pot. No sooner said than done.
| seized hold the tail of the pot and striking


it against the chimney lamb broke itin hun
dred pieces After this exploit | retired to rest
and got curtain lecture all night for my
pains" 1t was now Tim Watson's turn te
: give an account of himself, which he did with g
t very long face as follows: I" My wife gave me


the most unlucky command in the world, fol-
/ was blundering up stairs in the dark, wher
t she cried out Do break yoar neck, do Tim.
t cred myself up. IN sooner pay the BILL and s.
i landlord here's the cash for you, and this is tn
r last time III ever risk five dollars on the con-
d mand Of my wife.
Year: 1871

formances of tight-rope artist SAID it was
easy enough to walk tight rope if the man
had the nerve. He said he had the nerve, so
he fastened the clothes line from the top of his
barn to the chimney of his house, took hoe
handle to balance himself and started. His
funeral was largelY attended
Year: 1871

A man from the country whose wife had
eloped and carried off the feather bed, was in
search of them not that he cared anything
about the wife, but the feathers said he,
them worth dollar pound"
Year: 1871

FLEEcING THE OLD MAS.-There
is a romance related of a young
couple who arrived here day or two
ago from California. The lady, who
is the daughter of wealthy San
Francisco merchant, secretly mar
ried young gambler of that city,
whom she had met at public bali.
Soon afterward her father wished
her to marry thriving business man
from New York. She informed him
of her marriage, but said that as
her husband was getting tired of
her. he might be bought off and
facilitate her getting a divorce. The
father consequently negotiated with
the young man, and 500, 900 was
decided upon as the price to be paid.
The divorce was obtained, the money


was handed over. and the father
felicitated himself that the New
Workers. path was clear. The latter
unsuspectingly continued his atten
tlons, showerlng presents of JewelrT
upon her, and the wedding day was
set. Suddenly the young lady dis
appeared. and wrote to her father
that she had remarked her gambling
husband, and had reason to think
they could live for long while on
the so, 900 he hal obtained. The
father concluded to give mp his OPP
position, and make the Young man
his agent in this city if he would
promise to give up his sporting
habits. He promised, and is now
here arranging preliminaries. Il New
York Correspondence, Philadelphia
Record.
Year: 1871

The devlopements about Gen Grant
instructing the United States navy to pro-
tect the Government of Beaz against the
Haytines, is most unpleasantly sugges
tive of Frank Blair's prediction that
Grant would yet endeavor to establish a
military dictatorship. The autocrat Ma
poleou did not declare war on Prussia
until his Minister Grammons had seeur-
ed an overwhelming vote of the Corps
Legislatif. But in this Hayti business
we see our present Executive taking in
to his own hands the question of peace
and war, in open violation of our Con
stitution and of treaties, without consult
ing the people or their representatives in
Congress, and without PERMITTING the
country even to know the fact


Unless this high handed usurpation
more daring than any living monarch Of
Europe would hazard, receives a sigma
rebuke from the Senate, we may well
conclude that Gen. Grant does indeed
carry that once august body in his breech
es pocket And should not Congress in.
quire into this unwarrantable use of the
navy, before yestiDg the President with
further power to employ armed troops
and call out the militia at discretion il
these States? In view of recent legis
lation of that body, it is time that the
American people ask themselves serious
ly if there is not already on foot, and
half accomplished. conspiracy to i'm.
pose on us military republic.
Year: 1871




Our dry goods men are as busy as bees
receiving and opening new goods,
which have commenced to. arrive pretty
freely Yesterday our attention was di-
rected to the immense stock being open
ed at the house Of that old pioneer


DRY GOODS REGULATOR,
j. Amberg. This house now appears to
be full from floors to ceilings, and yet
goods continue to arrive, and will we
understand for some time yet Merchants
inform us that goods are generally lower
than last season, aud are now declining
This house always ayails itself of the
best cash markets of New York, and
consequently can return the compliment
to their customers. No house in West
ern Kentucky, probably, keeps more
complete or better selected stock of dry
goods. Bob Davis says this il so, and
proposes to prove it to the public, but
the house is too well known to need
proof. Our friend,


W. B. BENNY,


is up the river now, but his house is re
ceiving installments of new goods, and
we say to all give him a call" His
motto is now as in days gone by, "quick
sales and small profits" Mr.. B. has
been with US many years, and has proven
himself one of our best merchants, and
therefore the public can rely on his
judgment and taste in buying and select |
ing stocks He has established good
trade. and may he live long to enjoy it.
Year: 1871

Round the idea of ones mother the
mind of man clings with fond affec-
ton. 1t is the first deep thought
stamped upon our infant hearts when
yet soft and capable of receiving the
most profound impress ions, and the
after feelings of the world are more or
less light in comparison. Even in our
old age we look back to that feeling as
one of the sweetest we have through
life. Our passions and our wilfulness
may lead us far from the object of our
tilial love we learn even to pain her
heart, to oppose her wishes, to violate
her commands; we may become wild,
headstrong and angry at her counsels or
opposition ; but when death has stilled
her monitory voice, and still memory
remains to recapitualate her virtues and
good deeds, affection, like n flower beaten
to the ground by past storm, raises up
her head and smiles among her tears.
Round that idea, as we have said, the
mind clings with fond affection and
even when the early period of our lot
forces memory to be silent, fancy takes
the place of remembrance and twines the
image of our dead parent with garland
of graces and beauties and virtues which
we doubt not she possessed.
Year: 1871

MANY POPULAR PUZZLES depend on
the ambiguity or double meaning of
words and phrases, Thus we are told
there was man who had six children,
and had never seen one of them, We
are led to suppose that none of the child
rem had ever been beheld by their pa
rent ; but the words may mean equally
as well that one of them had been born
while the man was on journey, and he
had, consequently never seen that one.
Another puzzle is this: There was a
poor blind beggar who had a brother,
the brother died, but the man who died
had no brother. We are apt to think the
beggar was man but when we think
that the beggar might be girl, the ans
wer becomes quite plain.


We are told of two men who met each
other at an inn. and greeted each other
atfectionately. The hotel keeper inquir
ed of one how he was related to the
other. who replied


" Brother and sister have l none,


Yet this man = father was my fathers SON


This a perfectly plain statement, and
vet there are few whose minds are clear
enough to see at once that this jingle of
words is only roundabout way of say
ing that this man was the speakers son.
Year: 1871

IT may be a comfort for those who are
obliged to pay the present high prices
for fuel to know that wood is selling at
Windsor, Canada, opposite Detroit.
Mich, for two dollars per cord.
Year: 1871

Some time ago a cargo of tobacco was
shipped from Baltimore to Europe, and
bonds were given in double the amount
OF the tax to show that the goods We're
actually intended for export. The vessel
was wrecked and the goods went to the
bottom of the sea The revenue officers
demanded payment OF the tax on the
goods named IN the export invoice. The
shipper refused to pay and carried the
case to court The court decided that
the law requires the production of Ger
tifcate of landing i'll foreign country
before cancellation of the indemnity bond.
1t was evident that no one at the bottom
of the ocean had power to give such a
certificate the shipper failed to produce
one, and judgment was granted in favor
of the government The shipper was
actually obliged to pay tax on goods lost
at sea-
Year: 1871

of pnbI-ht1 ngtCT
dn duh Agriculture that can he
work written by OF the greatest well one
OF the the world IN his agreeable


Farmers will gather from ts pages great deal Of valuable information
useful for them vocation and the general reader viii tu
ensy fascinating from the sssn, style treating the Ssrou topics
The Farmer will thousands Of dollars II be win only
practice from this book and other readers, chiefly people
will gather from rs sensible psge advice plainly told that viii be god
10 item d lie
Year: 1871

n BEDFORD STREET.-THE LET, HANDSOMELY
u furnished front Room, with Bedroom attached, IN q
three story house, to gentleman and wife or Two respect
able Young gentlemen, with without Board.
Year: 1871

AN OLD LADY's ADvICE.-"Now, John, listen
to me, for / am older than you are or ! couldn't
be your mother Never do you marry young
woman, John before you have contrived to hap
pen ut the house at least four times before break
fast. You should know how late she lies in bed
in the morning You take notice whether her
complexion is the same in the morning as in the
evening, or if the wash-bowl and towl have
robbed her OF her evening bloom. You should
take care TO surprise her, that you can see her
in her morning Dress and observe her occupa-
ton when she is not expecting you. If possible
YOU should be where you could plainly hear the
morning conversation between her and her
mother If she is inalured and snappisl 10 her
mother, so she will be TO you, depend upon it
But if YOU lind her up and neatly dressed in the
morning, with the same coun,enance, the same
smiles and neatly combed hair the same ready
and pleasant answers to her mother which charac
terized her department in the evening, and par
ticularIy if she is lending hand TO get the
breakfast ready in good season, she is great
prize John and the sooner you secure her TO
Yourself the hetter."
Year: 1871

PULPIT lDoLATRY.-Some people are entirely
wrapped up in their favorite. OF course when
u people have selected a pastor from all
others, this is both natural and allowable


Bat this is different thing from feeling that
nobody else is worth hearing. The latter is
very sinful and alike injurious to ministers
and people. How many there are that go to
church when their idol breaches, and who stay
1T home when he does not. How many there
are who watch the pulpit to see who enters 1t,
and who go away unless their favorite is there.
These go not to worship, nor to learn, but to
hear the man of pleasant voice, of lively
imagination, whose sermons are so pleasant or
so stirring, or so funny, or so full OF incident


We went on a certain occasion to hear one Of
the popular sensation preachers. The house
was crowded. Benches were in the aises. Soon
u stranger entered the pulpit, and the crowd
about the door disappeared at once The
benches and some of the pews were soon emp
tied, and very soon we gained comfortable
seat. And the strange preacher delivered
sermon in truthfuness and power such as we
have but rarely heard, and such as the preacher
who drew crowds could no more write than he
could the NOcuns OrganUnt, or Paradise Lost.
In fact, the true worship of God is very much
forgotten by mutitudes who go to fashionable
churches, and to heat popular preachers on the
Sabbath. They go TO see or to be seen, or to
be pleased, not to worship or TO be Instructed.
And, as said a wornout, godly, but old-iashIon-
ed minister to young pastor, who invited HIM
to preach for him, "0,' said he, "your people
will not receive the gospel unless 1t is served
up to them in silver dishes with gold spoons
Year: 1871

READ THIS TO YOUR DAUGHTERs.-The charac-
ter of q community depends much on the young
women. If the latter are cultivated, intelli
gent, accomplished, the young men feel the re-
quirement that they themselves should be up
right, gentlemanly, and refined; but if their
female friends are frivolous and silly the
young men would be found to be dissipated
and worthless. But remember that sister is
always the bess guardian of a brothers integri
ty. As a daughter she is the true light of home
The pride of the father oftener is centered on
his sons, but affection is expended on his
daughter. She should therefore be the sun and
centre of all-Er
Year: 1871

SeEs~ man in Canton swapped his horse
for a wife. An old bachelor acquaintance SAID
he'd bet there was something the matter with
the horse, for the owner would never have
fooled il away in that ridiculous manner
Year: 1871

TRUrBFULNEss Ar HoNE.-0fall happy house
holds, that is the happiest where falsehOod is
never thought Of All peace is broken up where
once it appears there is liar in the house. All
comfort has gone when suspicion has once en-
tered-when there must be reserve in talk and
reservation in belief Anxious parents, who
are aware Of the pains of suspicion will place
general confidence in their children, and re-
ceive what they say freely, unless there is
strong reason 10 mistrust the truth of any one.
If such an occasion. should unhappily arise,
they must keep the suspicion from spreading
as long us possible, and avoid disgracing their
poor child while there is chance of its cure
by their confidential assistance. He could have
their pity and assduous help, as if he were
suffering under some bodily disorder If he
can be cured he will become duly grateful for
the treatment If the endeavor fails, means
must of course be taken TO prevent his exam
pie doing harm and then, as ! said, the fami-
ly peace is broken up, because the family
confidence isgone. fear from some cause or 9TH
er there are but few large families where every
member is altogether truthful. But where all
are so organized and so trained as to be wholly
reliable in act and word, they are light to all
eyes and joy to all hearts. They are public
benefits, for they are point of general reli-
ance and they are privately blessed within
and without. Without their life is made easy
by universal trust and within their home and
hearts they have the security Of rectitude and
the gladness of innocence.
Year: 1871

cT The Fort Smith Ncw Era propose
that application be made to Maj. ADAMS
that he take the CITY Scrip Of that place
at par, for all freights transported to that
town on the packet line. Won't the Ma.
jor draw one of those modest smiies OF
his when he reads the application. II
this proposition is not satisfactory, Ma
jor, how would old Confederate currency
do? There is little of the "stuT '
laying round loose in this section.
Year: 1871

A meeting in aid of the Pennsylvania coal
miners and their families held last evening at Tam
many Hall, Clinton Roosevelt, Chairman. series OF
resolutions urging the community the necessity OF
doing something support the families Of the miners
who were now almost on the point OF starvation, was
passed. after which the Rev. Dr. Deems was introduced
He said he did not appear in any sense as poitiean
the meeting with him for benevolent purposes.
He would not commit himself TO the resolutions
which had just been read he had not had an opportu
now 10 care for these poor people, and after that
was settled II was time enough 10 taik aOout
politics. The country was too surely drifting to an
epoch in which capital would pot yield TO labor nor la
capital and Ii unwse at this moment To IN.
crease The separation; indeed their meeting called
10 try TO prevent II by the harmonizng OF feelings


The Hon s. s. cox said that the charge OF wcAedness
had made against NewHUrk hut that IL had never
been accused OF negecng TO help those IN distress This
was practical Christianity, end u was OF tls that he
hoped this meeting would be productive.


Several speakers followed and at the close OF the
meeting collection was TAKEN committee OF seven
has been appointed 10 solicit contributions.
Year: 1871

Bernard Devine, the barber, who was fatally
injured Wednesday, by his wife, Maria in his apart
ment at No. 40 East Eghteenthst had been suffering
for some time from disease OF the heart which nearly In
capacitated him from working but not from drinking &c
excess. His wife is said to have been an industrious
sober woman laborng daily TO support herself and bel
daughter by "A former husband. Deyine contributed lit
tie IL ANYTHING He was of very quarrelsome dispo
son and often, when In liquor, beat his wife and step
daughter. on Wednesday he came home lntOxlcateu
heat his Wife and catching up from the table
threw H al her She retaated by hurting at him heavy
nae which struck the left temple hatterng the plate
seyerng artery, causing Deynes death in Few hours


Dcvne who arrested soon after the oee
stll locked up in the East Twenty ysecOnst POlce
Station The step-daughter IL detained as witness.
Year: 1871

nme-2:2l, 2.23, 2:22.


Both are pronounced among the finest most eN-
citing and well contested witnessed here. In the
second race first heat Goldsmith Maid came in the win
nef leading American Girl half length, with Lucy
close M and in the last heat about II length During
the third heat Goldsmith Maid broke her trot or
Ina skiD
Year: 1871

THE dutiful daughter of a rich citi-
zen Of New Jersey, and her husband,
are now on trial in that State for en-.
deavoring to burn up their parent in his
own home, in order to possess them
selves of his property
Year: 1871

We place the following from the
New York World on record, that the
public may see how the court Of dernier
resort in the United States Of America
Is mere cats paw in the hands of an
unscrupulous executive. Let the re-
port be preserved.
Year: 1871

We want a young man to learn the
printing business. He must be between


the ages Of thirteen and seventeen. One
who does not know an EN- quad from a


shooting stick preferred. Willingness
to play second fiddle to the foreman, as
well as ourself, for few years, an inde-
spcnsable qualification. He is not to


have more than three sweet.hearts, nor
corner-lounging associates. No objec.
tions to his using tobacco, cigars, or pipe,
provided the "old soldiers" and ashes are
kept of our table and out of the cases.
If consistent with his finer feelings, We
would respectfully venture the suggestion
that he leave US at least one-third OF our
exchanges, that we may look over them
at leisure. Must not use more than a
quire of letter paper. or a package Of
envelopes weekly in corresponding with
his friends and acquaintances. Win be
required to furnish his own postage
stamps. We furnish water, sap and
towels. Will be expected to be at the
Office in time to get hungry before din.
ner To return and be ditto before sup
per. If we entrust him with a key TO
the Office door. it is hoped he will spare
our feelings and the feelings of the ten
ants who occupy the room beneath US, by
bringing only dozen OF his associates
into the composing room at any one time
after night. Some regard should also be
paid to tho number of gas jets lighted on
such occasions. We admit that the Re.
publican Office presents an attractive ap-
pcarance when under full head of light
and Mt the same time we are painfully
aware Of the fact that the indiccs of the
meter attract the attention of the gus
company even to greater extent than
the light attracts custom Loafng in the
Office on the Sabbath is positively pro-
hibited. If ten hours day for six days
in the week is not a sufficient length OF
time for our new conner to spend in the
office, We will accommodate him with a
few hours ,Atra work at night. Printers
ink is not poisonous when applied out
wardly ; therefore, the candidate for ty.
biographical honors need not feel the least
uneasiness should he, during brief stay,
soil his hands with it, Emery paper,
cotton waste and oil are excellent for
cleaning and polishing parts of printing
press, as we shall show our apprentice al
brief intervals. A sponge saturated with
Year: 1871

benzole is capital for removing ink from
the rollers, as will be discovered from
time TO time. A broom is used in our
office at half-past five o'clock each after
noon. Type dropped on the floor must
be picked up at once. Twenty stoops
frequently save twenty cents. We have
in our employ an experienced job printer,
who will attend to all orders in that line.
1t will be entirely unnecessary, therefore
for our novice to undertake that branch
at first-and more particularly the print
ing of his own name and that of his trio
sweethearts, for which purposes the orna.
mental type and gold bronze are general
ly made to suffer. If there is a young
man anywhere in the city-or out of it
either-who is willing to conform to these
rules, can read manuscript and write a
fair hand, and who is really desirous Of
acquiring irst-class trade-one at
which he can secure employment in every
city and nearly every town on the cont.
nent-we shall be pleased to confer with
him. .-Maysville, (Ky.,) Republican.
Year: 1871

A Kanaas paper says that NJ. c. Page
while digging well upon his farm a
short distance from Salina, in that State,
came upon the most perfect fossils yet
found in this country. He found won
derfally perfect specimens Of oak, walnut,
maple and pine leaves, which would be
of great value to u museum. MIR. Page
bas also found good indications of coal
upon his place. The many discoveries
of petri6ed curiosities being made in that
section Of the State have directed the at
tention of scientific men thither.
Year: 1871

Any hard steel tool, says the Boston
Journal Of Chemistry, will cut glass with
facility when kept freely wet with camphor
dissolved in turpentine. The ragged
edges of glass may alse be thus smoothed
with that file.