Year: 1876

| Cnmo Out Fully Satisfied.


"No, sir, I'll never run for Office
again." said Mr.. Stretch, relating his
grievances to Max Adeler. "You know
when they came and asked me if I'd &C
cept nomination to the Legislature they
told me that the whole community want
ed me to run, and that was certain to
be elected because I was man whose
character was so good that nobody could
find fault with it. thought so myself,
and agreed to run and accordingly they
nominated me. Well, sir, the very next
morning the Argus came out with On as
sertion had been detected in stealing
chickens, and it gave full history of the
case, together with pictures of the chick
ems, and, after darkly limiting that since
abandoning chicken stealing, I had been
continually engaged in other forms of
robbery, it asked if the people of this
State wanted to see chicken thief max
ing laws for them. And the mischief Of
it was that did hook a couple of chick
ems from my grandmother's coop when I
was small boy, but how'n the thunder
they ever found it out beats me. It was
fifty-two years ago.


"Now look at my nose It amt
much of nose for beauty, is it I
know we'll enough that it's crooked. But
nobody ever alluded to it until I was
nominated, and then the Argus said
there was tradition that I had the nose
mashed around sideways during my
career as prize fighter, although some
people insisted that I run it hard against
door while I was drunk. And then all
the illustrated papers in the State began
to publish pictures of me with a nose
like the jib-sheet of an oyster sloop, only
twisted around sideways; and one of
them said that when I sneezed on the
front porch the concussion acted like
boomerang and blew the back door
open.


"And then, as the campaign went
along, they accused me of having deli
rum tremens, of beating my wife, of
wiping my nose on my sleeve, Of rob-
bing bank, of selling my dead aunt to
medical college, and of holding the
doctrine that the whale didn't swallow
Jonah, and that when Moses crossed the
Red sea he padded over in boat. The
Argus said that if my wife dared to tell
how I treated her the community would
be filed with horror, but anybody
might see for themselves who would
notice that her back hair was all Ilinned
out. And it said I had wen on myleg
that untitled me for active duty anyhow,
even if I had not forfeited all claim to
public confidence by turning my grand
father out of doors when he was dying
of consumption, and then setting my
deg on him and making the aged man
roest in mulberry tree on the coldest
night last winter for fear of being eaten
up.


"People began to avoid me on the
street. The general impression prevailed
that was desperate and hardened vii
lain. I might have stood that, but you
know the way they leveled on me for ex-
penses was awful. There was that brass
band. kept that band in luxury for
three months and it used to come
around and serenade me three nights in
the week and wake all the babies in the
neighborhood. I lost just two hun lred
votes in consequence of those wakened
babies. Then the clubs would come
and call me out for speech, AMI when
I wonld get through Iwould have to ask
them in to feed, and they would stay
there until four o'clock in the morning,
and get drunk, and fight, and smash the
furniture, and bleed over the carpets.
Then they would assess me for mass
meeting, and adjourn. I handed out
cash for posters, and rum, and brass
bands, and barbecues, and fireworks,
and torchlight professions, and trans
parencies, and for flags, and the Argus
all the time accusing me of buying up
votes and having repeaters in my pay.


The night OF the election the brass
band and the club came round to con-
gratulate r.e on my success and, after
having final spree and concluding
riot in tho parlor, went to bed, glad
I had won, anyhow. The first thing I
saw in the ArQus in the morning was
the announcement that the hoary headed
chicken stealer had been beaten by 1000
majority, and would have to keep his
eccentric nose OF home, and spend his
time rejecting that free people would
never elect to responsible office man
who would tree his consumptive grand
father and traffic in the remains of his
aunt. So that lets me out of politics.
When I run for Office again you chuck
me right into IN insane asylum"