Year: 1870

THE New York Tribune, in noticing the
difficulty attending the disposal of the
Spanish crown, suggested that the Span
iards take an American sovereign. The
Tribune says:


"We are unwilling to mention names
though aoe haze man IN oar eye ao7t0ns
zoe soish they had IN theirs"


With his characteristic ingenuousness
Mark Twain, in the September GGlary,
thus accepts the situation:


at would be but an ostentation of
modesty to permit such pointed refer
ence to myself to pass unnoticed. This
is the second time that the Tribune (no
doubs sincerely looking to the best inter-
ests of Spain and the world at large) has
done me the great and unusual honor to
propose me as fit person to fill the
Spanish throne. Why the Tribune should
single me out in this way from the midst
of dozen Americans of higher political
prominence, is problem which cannot
solve. Beyond somewhat intimate
knowledge of Spanish history and pro-
found veneration for its great names and
illustrious deeds, feel that l possess no
merit that should peculiarly recommend
deny that Spanish history has always
been mothers milk to me. I am proud of
every Spanish achievement, from Her
nando Cortes' victory at Thermopyl@
down to Vasco Nunez de Balboa's discov-
cry of the Atlantic ocean; and every
splendid Spanish name, from Don Quix-
ote and the Duke of Wellington down to
Don Cezar de Bazan. However, these
little graces of erudition are of small con-
sequence, being more snowy than SER
viceable.


"In case the Spanish scepter is pressed
upon me-and the indications unques-
tionably are that it will bel shall feel it
necessary to have certain things set down
and distinctly understood beforehand.
For instances My salary must be paid
quarterly in advance. In these unsettled
times it will not do to trust. If Isabella
had adopted this plan, she would be sit
ting on her ancestral throne to-day, for
the simple reason that her subjects never
could have raised three months of royal
salary in advance, and of course they
could not have discharged her until they
had squared UP with her, My salary must
be paid in gold when greenbacks are
freshl in country, they are too
'fuctuating. EMy salary has got to
be put at the ruling market rate;
l am not. going to cut under on the
trade, and they are not going to trail me
long way from home and then practice
on my ignorance and play me for a royal
North Adams Chinaman, by any means.
AS understand it, imported kings gen.
orally get five millions year and house
rent free. Young George of Greece gets
that. AS the revenues only yield two
millions, he has to take the national note
for considerable but even with things in
that sort of shape he is better fixed than
he was in Denmark, where he had to
eternally stand up because he had no
throne to sit on, and had to give bail for
his board, because royal apprentice gets
no salary there while he is learning his
trade. England is the place for that.
Fifty thousand dollars year Great Britain
pays on each royal child that is born, and
this is increased from year to year as the
child becomes more and more indispensable
to his country. Look at Prince Arthur.
At first he only got the usual birth
bounty; but now that he has got SO that
he can dance, there is simply no telling
what wages he gets. ssf go


"I should have to stipulate that the
Spanish people wash more and endeavoI
to get along with less quarantine. Do
you know, Spain keeps her ports fast
; locked against foreign traffic three-fourths
of each year, because one day she is scar
ed about the cholera, and the next about
the plague, next the measles, next the
whooping cough, the hives, and the rash
but she does not mind leonine leprosy and
elephantiasis any more than great and
enlightened civilization minds freckles.
Soap would soon remove her anxious dis
tress about foreign distempers. The rea-
son arabic land is so scarce in Spain is
because the people squander so much OF
it on their persons, and then when they
die it is improvidently buried with them


"I should feel obliged to stipulate thai
Marshal Serrano be reduced to the ranh
of constable, or even roundsmsn. He il
no longer fit to be City Marshal. A mar
who refuses to be King because he wa
too old and feeble, is i'll qualified to helI
sick people to the station house whel
they are armed, and their form OF deli
rum tremens is Of the eXuberent ant
demonstrative kind.


II should also require that


~ am at this moment suthoritatiYel,
informed that the Tribune did not meal
me, after all. Very well, do not car
two cents"


"A London writer estimates the deaf