Year: 1870

Think of it. Average four dol
lars a copy say. It's nearly four
hundred thousand dollars, my son.
l get half!"


"The suffering Moses! I'll set
that down. Fourteen-seven-fiity
--eight--two hundred. Total,
say-well, upon my word, the
grand total is about two hundred
and thir teen or fourteen thousand
dollars"


"Is that possible ?"


"Possiblel If there's any mis-
take it's the other way. Two
hundred and fourteen thousand,
cash, is my income for this year
if / know how to cipher"


Then the gentleman got up to
60. 1t came over me most un-
comfortably that maybe I had
made my revelations for nothing,
besides being fattered into stretch
ing them considerably by the
strangers astonished exclamations.
But no; at the last moment the
gentleman banded me a large en-
velope and said it contained his
advertisement and that l would
find out all about his business in
it; and that he would be happy
to have my custom-would, in
fact, be proud to have the custom
of man of such prodigious in
come /; and that he used to think
that there were several wealthy
men in Buffalo, but when they
come to trade with him he dis
covered that they barely had e.
nough to live on; and that in
truth it had been such a weary,
weary age since he had seen a
rich man face tc face, and talked
with him, and touched him with
his hands, that he could hardly
refrain from embracing me-in
fact, would esteem it a great favor
if / would let him embrace me.


This SO pleased me that l did not
try to resist, but allowed this SIM
ple-hearted stranger to throw his
arms about ne and weep a few
tranquilizing tears down the back
of my neck. Then be went his
way.


As soon as he was gone, !
opened his advertisement. /
studied it attentively for four min,
utes. / then called up the cook
and said:


"Hold me while / faint. Let
Maria turn the batter. cakes"


By and by, when l came to, I
sent down to the rum-mill on the
corner and hired an artist by the
week to sit up nights and curse
that stranger, and give me a lift
occasionally in the day time when
| came to a hard place.


All, what miscreant he was
His advertisement" was nothing
In the world but wicked tax-re-
turn--a string of impertinent
questions, l may remark, gotten
up with such marvellous ingenui-
ty that the oldest man in the
world couldn't understand what
the most of them were driving at
questions, too, that were calcu-
lated to make man report about
four times his actual income to
keep from swearing to a lie. l
looked for a loophole, but there did
not appear to be any. Inquiry
No. l covered my case, as gener-
ously and as amply as an umbrel-
la could cover an ant hill:


"What were your profits, in
1869, from any trade, business or
vocation, wherever carried on?"


And that inquiry was backed
up by thirteen others of an equal
ly searching nature, the most
modest of which required infor-
nation as to whether [ had COM
mitted any burglary, or highway
robbery, or by any person or other
secret source of smolument, and
acquired property which was not
enumerated in my statement of in
come as set opposite to inquiry
No. l.


1t was plain that that stranger
had enabled me to make a fool of
myself. 1t was very plain, and l
went out and hired another artist.
By working on my vanity the
stranger had seduced me into de-
claring an income of $214, 900.
By law, 81 900 of this was exempt
fiom income tax-the only relief /
could see, and it was only a drop
in the ocean. At the legal five
per cent, Imust pay over to the
government the appalling sum of
ten thousand six hundred and fif-
ty dollars, income tax.


RI may remark, in this place,
that I did not do it.


I am acquainted with a very
opulent man, whose house is