smithclay/nortonstories huggingface dataset:
Year: 1876

Glancing over daily paper this
morning I blundered upon the follow
ing item of news:


"a special from Lawrence, Kansas,
says that the Missouri river is rising
rapidly at that point and great fears
of q serious freshet there are enter
tained.n


Now that looks all right on the face
of it and reads coherently to q Fejee
Islander or Blackfoot Indian, but to
one who is conversant with the geog-
raphy and topography of the plac es
bounded by that raging canal, the
Missouri river, it is one of the most
startling dispatches that ever swung
over the wires, and Lawrence. Kan
sas, Is thirty miles from the Missouri,
hence the cities and hamlets which
line that shaggy irrigator must be
things that were. Jefferson City Is
doubtless loafing around about now
on the coast of Norway somewhere.
Lexington is in the vicinity of the
Horn, Kansas City is slashing about
In the Caribbean sea, and Leaven-
worth has gone on cruise to Spain.
st. Joe is about passing Havana, Gu
ba, as write while Council Bluffs and
Omaha are sailing along side by side
singing "We are all a band of burg
lars" But if these big towns are all
gone where are the corner groceries at
Sarcoxie and Hogwash, or the gin
mills at Tonganoxie. Such facts as
these crowded In on man all at once
are enough to make him break out in.
to parody this way:


Oh the high old bilin' water,


oh the long damp stream of water,


Ever higher wider, deeper


Grows the big Missouri river


Ever faster, dirtier, farther


Flows the stream o'er all the landscapel


These news dispatches are con-
stant source of Joy to me-they corral
into themselves such wealth of fact
and consistency that one can even
wish that he were dead. Should /
read in them some day that New
York was bounded on the North by
the Baltic sea, and on the Southwest
by the bay of San Pedro, / should
have the same implicit confidence
which sustains me now. Yet still l
am afraid that sometime when the
Prince of Liars comes along he will
get exasperated at his second rate
ability, and resign in favor of an as
sociated press agent somewhere.


Yours alarmedly,


HANK WAGONER.
Year: 1876

CoNvINCED.--A Danbury man car
ried home four quarts of soft.shelled
CLAIMS In an overcoat pocket. In the
same pocket was a handful of loose
tobacco. The soft-shell CLAIMS had Oft
Ell heard of the weed, of course, but
this was the first sample they had
seen, and by the time the man had
reached home each clam had a nice
quid comfortably rolled under it's
tongue. The CLAIMS were opened and
cooked, without the family noticing
the filthy habit they had got into.
They were served for breakfast, and
were partially eaten. The Danbury
man is now convinced that he must
either find something other than q
pocket to carry CLANS in, or get
wider back door.
Year: 1876

A SAD BEREAvEMENT.-Thc death Of
Mrs. Waller, wife Of Capt. W. G. Waller,
editor OF the Register, is announced in our
columns this morning. Such an event,
the death Of wife and mother, is always
sad Bereavement under any circum-
stances, but in this case it is particularly
so. The deceased was comparative
stranger in our midst. She came among
us with hcr husband only short time
ago, and during much OF that time has
been an invalid. At last she is taken
away from husband and children, a
stranger in strange land" surrounded
however by many kind and SympauIizing
friends and acquaintances whom she
found among our hospituble people.


In this heavy blow upon his heart and
home Cap.. Waller will,havc the sympa-
thy Of all who know him personally or
by reputation.
Year: 1876

CAssIus NJ. CLAY.-This old time Re-
publican, SO old that his RepublicaniSm
antedates the birth. Of tho party, has
placed himself in the hands OF his friends
as Democratic candidate for the Vice
Presidency at the coming National con-
yentiOn Of the party.


The idea Of Cash Clay becoming a
Democratic candidate for the Vice Presi-
dency sounds as odd and unnatural as
Greelcy's Democratic candidacy for the
Presidency. St. Paul did not fight the
wild beasts at Ephesus, that would
iain have torn him in pieces, more des-
pcrately than did Cash Clay the Kentucky
Democrats for half his life time. lie
bears on his body scars from theirhands,
received in the defense OF freedom Of
speech, and that he is alive to-day, to offer
himself as their candidate, is Of the mercy
of Divine Providence and not Of the
Kentucky Bourbons.


Still the old time Republicans in
and around Wheeling will not soon for
yet the fact that the gallant Cash came
here once and rendered them good SER
vice in speech at Washington Hall, at
the time. the directors Of the Hall were
PUZZLED to ascertain, whether there would
be a. mob that night, and whether>it would
lie well to opan the dodfsnnder the cir
cumstances. They did open them how
ever and Cash made his Republican
speech. The crowd at the door way parted
for him rs he entered and parted also for
him rs lie passed out again, not one % all
the bullics present daring to lay finger
on him. They knew the man they had
to deal with and had wholesome dread
Of his reputation.


We opinc that our old friend will
make poor out as Democratic candi-
date for the Vice-Presidency. In the
first place he will not get the nomination.
The Democracy have not forgot the
Greeley campaign, nor lhe'Frank Blair
campaign preceding. They have no
need to bait their hook with even. the
honored name of Clay to carry Ken
lucky. That State is as sure for the
Democracy as Vermont for the Rcpub.
1icans, and nothing could be. surcr. than
that save death and taxes. Therefore
Cassius may rs we'll hang his harp on
the willows as to base his hopes Of pre-
siding over the Senate'on Democratic
nomination. Because the Democracy
toyed and coquetted with Chase, Greeley
and Blair, it does not follow that they
will try the same thing on for all time
to come. The indications are that they
got such heart-scald the last time that
they will go 70 the other extreme this
year and probably take up a couple OF
rank Bourbons.
Year: 1876

OLD Judge Pettigru, Of Charleston,
when asked, in the early days Of secess.
ion, il he believed South Carolina would
cut loose from the Union, replied in the
negative, and added that the Pelican
State was "too small for republic and
too large for lunatic asylum" II the
venerable gentleman were alive to-day,
he would be obliged to admit, however
that it is about the right size for penal
colony for such it seems to be becoming
very rapidly under the combination VI
white and black rascalS who seem
to have got the upper hand in its politics.
Year: 1876

THE Chicago Inter. Ocean remarks that
"A man who wears an Ulster in this
weather, can't wear anything else except
boots and hat. Therefore, never ask a
man who wears IN Ulster TO take off his
coat and sit down.
Year: 1876

HARTLAND, VI, MARCH IL, 76.


Mr.. EDITOR. .-Dedr Sir: | wish you
would allow me Il short space in your
choice paper think Hartland Boy had
better take an emetic and see If he cant
throw some more of that bad stuff out of
him. | don't want to get into fight
with him because don't know what kind
of fellow he is, but do want to see him
answer question if he wants to answer
one at all. / wish our friend Hartland
Boy would explain himself little in one
place. He asks what is to become of our
young men of to-day unless they look at
the thing in u different way. Now l
would ask him what thing he means
wedding anniversaries? Then he goes on
to say that we can't all expect to be like
Henry Ward Beecher or Boss Tweed, but
by good deal of lying, cheating and
stealing we eau raise ourselves on level
with U. s. Grant.


like to read good books,
Year: 1876

Women do more head work than
men that is, it taxes some women
four hours to do up their hair for an
evening party, while good smart
man can do his up in three hours and
fifty seconds, easy.
Year: 1876

like to see good writing,
l like to see women up town,
But don't like to see fighting.
l like to see women do their hairup
With q comb and switch,
l like to see men give to the poor,
But not unto the rich.


HONEST JOIN.
Year: 1876

BADLY BEATEN.-A difficulty occurred
yesterday morning near the corner OF
Twelfth and Bank. streets between two
young men from Norfolk and a citizen OF
Richmond. The gentleman Of this city was
knocked down and badly beaten and cut
about the face and head. Yesterday after
noon the alleged assailants were arrested
and carried to the Second police station
house, where they were bailed for their
appearance at the Police Court this morn
Year: 1876

WASHINGTON, August PA general
order from the War Department directs
Colonel Ruger, upon assuming command
OF the Department of the South, on or
about September lst to transfer his
headquarters to Atlanta The companies
of the Second infantry now in the De.
partment of the Gulf, will be transferred
to the Department OF the South, and the
headquarters and companies Of the Six
tesn.h infantry, now in that department,
will be transferred TO the Department OF
the Gulf.
Year: 1876

NEW ALBANY, August 24.-F'rom an
early hour this morning till five o'clock
in the afternoon, constant stream Of
people was passing through the corridors
of the court house, where the remains of
the late Speaker Kerr was lying in state.
From the eyes of many OF the visitors,
silent tears stole down the cheek as they
gazed on the wasted folm of the
dead statesman, man whom they
loved and honored with ardent
devotedness, and whose virtues were
recognized by all. Choice flowers were
.trewn in profusion around the coffin on
the cataialque. A wreath of immortelles
and wreath prepared by the hands Of
Mrs. w. 5. Culbertson are among the
floral decorations. The face of the re-
mains bear evidence of the intense suffer-
ing through whicn he passed during his
illness and up TO the hour Of his death
Was it not for the familiar appearance
of the forehead, and the knowledge that
it was his body, but few of his friends
would
Year: 1876

and laage number of citizens from
various parts of the state will be here
tonight, remaining till the obsequles are
over. The city hall, court house and q
number of private residences are drsped
IN mourning and at o'clock tomorrow
all the business houses in the city will
be closed until after the p recession passes
out 10 the cemetery.
Year: 1876

At $50 tonight the casket was closed
and placed in hearse and taken to the
family residence under an escort of COM
mittees from the various civic societies OF
the city. A detail of Masons and Odd
Fellows, of both of which organizations
Mr. Kerr was a member, formed a guard
Of honor to the remains, and will watch
over them till the hour of the funeral.
The funeral tomorrow will be one Of the
largest ever known in this section of the
country. Every society in the city, with
several others from surrounding cities,
will be in the procession, which will
move


From the Family Residence
alarm. Vice-President Ferry, who
accompanied the remains from Washing
tan, fears he will be unable TO remain
and attend the funeral, as he is necessarily
compelled TO be in Michigan on Sa:ur-
day. He is the guest of W. ID. Culbert-
son, and many citizens have called on
him TO pay their respects. Senator Nc
Donald is also here, and will remain until
after the funeral of Mr.. Kerr. Governor
Hendricks
Year: 1876

PLExING.-The other day a very
nice young man, when the storm came
up, chased after a lovely young lady
two blocks and = half 10 shield
her from the fury Of the elements, and
then when she accepted his courteous
ly proffered aid and he opened the
spreading parachute above her maid
enly head. her eyes stood ont on her
cheeks as she read her fathers name
painted in two inch letters on the ala
paca. And he-was so mortified that
he tried to die half dozen times
while he was walking with her, and
made up his mind that he would
drown the next time before he wonId
grab for an umbrella i'll the pos,oiiice
without looking At it
Year: 1876

A man broke a chair over his wIie'S
head. When lie got 10 jail and the
chapIain undertook TO talk TO him he
displayed a good deal OF renItfnce-
He said he was very sorTy hat he
had permitted his anger to obtain the
mastery over him, and suffer him 10
do such an act, because il was a good
chair, one Of those old fashioned Win
dor chairs, which was an heirloom IN
his family, and he knew he never
could replace il.
Year: 1876

A VERY BAD Bora bad boy thus
describes his misdeeds and their punish
msnt in letter to ! chum My sis
ter En- has got feller who has been
coming to see her most every night for
some tine. Night before last Just to
have little fun. went into the par
Tor, and crawled under the sofa. and
waited there till he an En- had got
settled and Just as he was asking her
if she was willing to become his dear
partner for life, and trust to his strong
right arm for protection and support, l
gave three red hot Indian war whOops.
and bumped myself up against the bot
tom Of the sofa, and fired Of an old
horse pistol that 1 borrowed Of sam
Johnson. and ny gracious how that
feller jumped up and seooted for the
door. He never stopped to get his hat,
bat went tumbliug head over heels down
the door steps As for En-, she was
just that scared that she sot right down
on the floor, and screeehed like blue
blazes, till dad and mother came run
ming in. Just as they got out Of bed. and
wanted to know what the matter was.
But En- only yelled louder and pointed
under the sofa, till dad got down on his
knees. and saw ne there, and pulled NE
out by the hind leg When he had got
ne out in the wood she'd. he wrapped
ne over his knee and then went at NE
with an old trunk strap, and | haven
got over it nicely yet
Year: 1876

What a pity that the President smokes.
1t seems to be a consent for the whole
nation to follow. Perhaps he can af-
fcrd it. with his fifty thousand dollars a
year but how many young men keep
themselves eramped in money matters
because Of their use of tobacco. The
President, did up in figure of bronze or
wood, stands in the cigar store window.
inviting the people in. There are many
who suppose that they can be General
Grant if they smoke. No. no We
have seen baboons smoke. We have
seen men with empty heads smoke. 1t is
no sign of courage or greatness to smoke.
We know Christian men who have
smoked their nerves to fiddle strings
Better give up the habit all of you. It
is nasty. 1t sends you about hawking
and splitting. We wonder that your
wife ever kisses you Let ministers
throw away ther pipes and tobacco wal
lets Cannot You get up your sermons
without the use Of tobacco From
whence does the inspiration of that ser
mon come which is born in clouds Of
smoke? From the Lord o, no. From
the devil


There are said 10 be million and a
half Of people engaged in the raising OF
preparation Of tobacco, and that the to.
baeeo crop Of the world amounts tc
4.4SO.OOOOOO pounds. Gigantic waste
Let Us have nothing to do with 1t. What
a world this would be if all the rum and
opium and tobacco were flung out Of It
We wish that before General Grant
leaves Office he would come out on the
steps Of the White House. fling the stumE
Of his last cigar at the equestrian statue
Of General Jackson, and announce to al
the world thst he is forever done witt
politics and tobacco. IdLmGqe.
Year: 1876

Or all the countries on the face Of the globe
America, probably, offers to the ambitious and
aspiring young man the greatest opportunities
for success. Our system of education fs certainly
improving, and, as an instance Of this, may be
mentioned the hundreds OF business colleges,
which have been established throughout the
country, and about which too much cannot be
said in praise. Thew are thoroughly practical In
all their departments, and are designed to help
Inose who, from o lack OF means and leisure, are
denied q long course Of collegiate training, and
who expect to battle through life unaided to
thorough practical English education, combined
with q course OF training which prepares the
graduate for at once entering into any kind OF
business or upon the study Of q profession. The
Washington Business College, corner Of Seventh
and streets northwest, is one of the best tnsti-
tutions Of the kind in the United States. Their
terms are very reasonable and easy to meet, and
their hours fixed so as to accommodate all-the
clerk, the laboring man, the ofice-boy or the ap:
prentice. Call send for their circulars for full
information.
Year: 1876




Henry Young, colored man of doubtful repu-
tation, made considerable of row Saturday night,
about the vicinity Of Thirteenth and q streets
northwest, by persistent efforts to enter house
in the neighborhood. Henry and a woman named
Mary Butler have until recently been keeping
house together at the corner Of Eleventh and G
streets For some reason or other there were not
many roses In their pathway, and Mary adopted
a resolution to vacate tho house in order to get
furniture which rightiully belonged to her, and
moved temporarily to the house of her brother-in-
law, near the corner of Thirteenth and y.
Young couldn't put up with such a decided snub-
bing as that, and about 10 o'clock Saturday night,
as the fog was creeping along the streets and
back yards and alleys, Henry, probably with
murderous intent, climbed up on a shed under
Mary's window and broke In.


The women were frightened, and, woman-like,
ran to the door and began to Shrek. Young was
baffed, but took advantage Of the occasion to ap-
propriste o number Of pictures that belonged to
the house, with which he made his escape. Not
being satisfied with the result Of this visit he re-
turned again to the house in the small hours of
the morning, and again mounted the shed. The
window had been nailed down during his absence,
and in his attempts to open 1t he aroused the
volyer over the caves and asked him what he was
doing. Henry rolled off the shed in disgust, and
the officer hurried him away to the station. The
owner of the house, armed with an Ak, was quietly
waiting for the prisoner to effect an entrance,
and the latter would have left in an uudertaker's
wagon If the officer had not arrested him. The
taking Of the pictures when he first entered justi
q chance to explain the matter to Judge Smell
this morning
Year: 1876

The West End Hibernian Beneficial Society
gave their fourth annusl ball at Masonic TEN.
Pile, New Years eve. The members OF the So
ciety have always been noted for their hospital
ity, and as usual at their balls, the occasion was
most enjoyable one, and will long be remem-
bered by those present as happy end to the
year 1875. Refreshments were served BY the Ia
dies Of the North Washington Benevolent Asso-
citation. The order Of the night was dancing, and
the New Year was born to them amid revelry
and merriment. The committee Of arraneements
and the others in charge Of tho ball distinguished
themselves in providinga q night Of pleasure, In
which everything passed OF 50 successfully.
Year: 1876

living nearest to them as the kindesi

 of neighbors, and all strangers receive

 hearty welcome among them. They

 appear to be sincere and devoted in their religious belief, and give proof of

 their sincerity by self denial n cheer

 fully going far away from centres of civilization and building up new

 homes They profess to base t..eir be-

 lief and draw their inspiration from the sacred pages ofthe Bible, and claim as their guide the golden rule. All this is we'll and in this picture of beau

 ty there k to be found but one dark spot, and that is their belief in the right 10 have a plurality of wives.

 From a free and frank conversation with MT. Lake understand that while they believe in this right, only those with single wIves have been selected 10 come to Arizona, and il k their in tentiOn in future to give a Willing obe- dIence to all our laws This being the case l can see no reason why their immigration should not be welcomed and encouraged by every true friend of the Territory. The health of the young colony has been excellent, which they mainly attribute to the absence of drugs among them and only using such herbs and roots as they can find, in case of sickness. There have been seventeen births since their arrival, and a matronly old lady told me with evident satisfaction that this was but q small beginning of what might be ex- pected to follow. They have d splen- did, robust looking lot of children, and the mothers are very fond of showing them to newcomers. They are very desirOus of having schools and will at once build four schOOl-hOuses and or gaRiZe school districts under the gcner al school law of the Territory They do not complain of the injustice of paying their taxes this veal, but say it puts them 10 serious inconvenience, as they had 70 send some of their people away to work and earn money while they were much needed al home But the money had been earned and was put aside ready to be sent by the first safe hands. This leads me to think and suggest that the toll worn immi- grant who has come here with his " fe and little ones to make a new home, and who in so doing has expended all his ready money, should be exempt at least during the first year from the burihen of taxation There are several thriving settlements at Springerville and at other points higher mp on the Little Colorado, and with its agricultur- al and grazing facilities this section is determined tO become a wealthy, populous and prosperous portion of the Territory.
Year: 1876

The result of exchanging Silver coin for fractional currency has been just what was predicted, namely, the low ering of Silver coin to the value of Le- gal Tenders. The best bid for subsid- iary Silver in New York is 91 cents to the dollar, and Greenbacks are worth as much by the same standard. Paper and hard money circulate side by side in the Atlantic States. There has been upwards of $2O.OOO,0OO in subsidiary Silver exchanged for fractional curren- cy and Greenbacks. The amount is but a drop in the bucket as compared with the volume of paper currency still outstanding. The only help for Silver coin is combination of cir cum>tances that will depress ihe price of Gold and increase the value of fine Silver. Such a chain of events would also ;di>e the price of Greenbacks, and bring the three currencies more nearly into harmony than they have been in fourteen years-S r. Bulletin.