Year: 1870

set about going off on a bridal
tour. / told her she'd better
wait six months or a year, and
I'd try and go with her, but
she said she'd rather go alone
when a woman was travelling a
man was an out and out hum
bug.


So I gave her seyenty-fve
cents and told her to go off and
have a good time. I never be-
'grudge money where my wife's
happiness is concerned. My
first wife could never complain
of not going anywhere, for I'm
dreadful fierce to go off on a
good time myself, and always
was. I don't pretend to say
how many times T took her out
to see the engines squirt, and
there was no end to the free lee
lures I let her go to. The
neighbors used to say, ''It does
beat all how the SINNERS do
ge!"


When Signor Blitz was in
Slunkville, with his wonderful
canaries, he gave my wife a
complimentary ticket. / not
only sold that ticket for my wife,
but / gave her half the money.
l don't boast of it, though / on
ly mention it to show how l
thought of my wife's happiness.


I don't think any man ought
to get married until he can con-
slider his wife's happiness only
second to his own. John Wise,
a neighbor of mine, did thusly,
and when / got married l conclu-
ded to do it like Wise.


But the plan did not work in
the case of my second wife. No
/ should say not.


l broached the question kindly.


"Matilda,'' l said, 81 suppose
you are aware that / am now your
lord and master"


"Not much you amt" said she.


"Mrs. Skinner" I replied, "you
are fearfully demoralized. You
need reorganizing at once. You
are cranky" And l brandished
my new sixty-two cent umbrella
wildly around her.


She took the umbrella away
from me, and locked me up in
the clothes press.


/ am quick to draw an infer
ence, and the inference that I drew
here was that / was not success as
a reorganizer of female women.


After this l changed my tactics.
/ let her have her own way, and
the plan worked TO a charm from
the very first. It's the best way
of managing wife that | know
of. Of course this is between
you and me.


So when my wife said she was
bound ogo off on a bridal tour
anyhow, l cordially assented.


''Go, Matilda" said !, "and stay
as long as you want to; then if
you feel as though you would like
to stay little longer; stay, my
dear, stay"


She told me to stop talking,
and go up stairs and get her red
flannel pightcsp and that bag of
b'al for her aunt Abigail.


My VIE is very smart wo-
man. She was Baxter, and the
BaSters are a very smart family
indeed. Her mother, who is GO
ing on eighty, can fry more slap
jacks now than half these primped
up city girls, who rattle on the
piano or else walk the streets
with their furbelows and fxings,
pretending to get mad if a chap
looks at 'em pretty hard, but get
ting mad in earnest if you don't
take any notice of them at all.


Ab! girls amt what they used
to be when was young, and the
fellows are worse still. When /
went courting, for instance, nev-
er thought of staying till after 10
o'clock, and went twice a week.
Now they go seven nights in the
week, and cry because there amt
eight. Then they write touching
notes to each other duringthe day /:
"Dear George, do you love me as
much now as you did at a quarter
past II last night? Say you do,
dearest, and it will give me cour-
age to go down and tackle them
cold beans left over from ycster-
day"


Well, wen, I suppose they en-
Joy themselves, and it amt for
us old folks, whose hearts have
got a little calloused by long wear,
to interfere. Let them get to-