Year: 1873

To the Editor of the Courier Journal.


I have invented machine for the pur.
pose of reducing the number Of exchange
fends now in existence. As many of your
exchanges know, exchange fends are per-
sons of great perseverance who continually
drop into the room where the exchanges Of
the newspaper Office are kept, and wrestle
with them under the pretence Of searching
for the Daily San Francisco Crusher or the
Waco Weekly Bullwhacker, or some other
sheet that they offer to swear they can't find
at the news stands. These persons, as if
their presence alone were not sufficiently
narrowing, have a way of sitting at least
an hour at time rattling the papers in the
exchange basket in manner evidently in
tended to exasperate and confuse every one
at work within the range of the noise. They
do worse. When one of them is informed
that the paper wanted is not to be had, he
invariably says, "an old one will do just as
WE'LL" and his brow darkens with unmanly
suspicion when he is informed that the paper
he wants has positively been carried out
These persons also make many tedious
and unnecessary explanations, consuming
much valuable time and wearing out the
patience They know every thing that's
disagreeable, and practice it persistently =
All their faults, if written out here, would
make this thing too long


The invention to which I refer is known
as "Bogardus' Patent Irresistible Combina-
ton Kicker, for the use of Newspaper off,
ces;" and it is in every respect superior to
the buzz saw now in use in some Of the wes-
tern newspaper establishments 1t consists
mainly of-6rst, large and strongly con-
structed chair, in the bottom of which were
concealed numerous remarkable springs of
extraordinary power; second, an immense
boot made of hard, unyielding substance,
and connected, beneath the floor, with the
chair; third, number Of strong rods and
things, connecting the whole with the steam
engines of the establishment. The boot and
chair are also connected with powerful
hook which is concealed in the ceiling.


Ae the unsuspecting exchange fend up.
proaches, he is requested to be seated in the
chair, which is placed close to the basket in
which the exchanges are kept Just as he
settles in the seat and reaches for an ex.
change, member of the editorial staff sud-
denly jerks a convenient knob; the powerful
and wonderful springs in the chair begin. to
toss the fend in most extraordinary man.
ner; portion of the aeor slides away, and
the immense boot swings into view, making
kind OF crashing noise, as though the bull.
ding were falling In a few seconds more
the remarkable springs, true to their task.
throw the astonished fend into position
which makes him face the door. The con-
cealed hook then drops from the ceiling and
seizes him by the coat collar and then the
boot. with the rapidity Of lightning is put
where it will do the most good.


When the boot has gone rapidly back and
forth for about half minute, the machinery
is stopped, the shattered 6end is lowered to
litter and carried out, and for six weeks he
languishes under the impression that he has
been assaulted from behind by the tutelary
demon of the press or some equally exasper-
ated moaster, too hideous to describe. He
never returns to the exchange basket.


The Patent Irresistible Kicker is very eff.
fective, and has been known to shatter one
of Dr. Harding's celebrated interviewing
cushions at one blow. I anticipate great
demand for it as soon as its merits become
known. The specification of this patent is
the spring work of the chair, with the con-
Meeting boot.


j. G. BRAITHwAITE BoGARDUs.