Year: 1873

PUTTING up stove is not so difficult in
itself. 1t is the pipe that raises four-fifths
of the mischief and all the dust You
may take down stove with all the care
in the world, and have your wife put
away the pipe In secure place, and yet
that pipe won't CONT together as it was
before. You find this out when you are
standing ON a chair with your arms full
of pipe and your mouth full OF SCOT
Your wife is standing on the floor in a
position that enables her to see you, the
pipe and the chair, and here she gives ut
terance to those remarks that are calcu-
lated to hasten man into the extremes Of
insanity Her dress is pinned over her
waist, and her hands rest on her hips. She
has got one of your hats on her head, and
your linen coat on her back, and pair OF
your rubbers on her feet There is about
five cents worth of potblack on her nose,
and lot of flour on her chin, and alto
gether she is spectacle that would in
spire dead man with distrust. And
while you are up there trying to circum-
vent the awful contrariness of the pipe,
and telling that you know some fool has
been mixing it, she stands safely on the
floor, and b0mbards you with such domes-
tic notices as: "What's the use of swear
ing SOP" "You know no one has touched
that pipe" "You amt got more patience
than child" "Do be careful of that
chair" And then she goes off, and reap
pears with an armful of more pipe, and,
before you are aware of it, she has got
that pipe so horribly mixed up that it
does seem no pieces are alike.


You join the ends and work them to and
fro, and to and fro again, and then you
take them apart and look at them. Then
you spread one out and jam the other to-
gether, and mount them once more. But
it is no 90. You begin to think the pieces
are inspired with life, and ache to kick
them through the window. But she does
MT lose her patience She goes around
with that awfully exasperating rigging on,
with length Of pipe under each arm, and
a long-handled broom in her hand, and
SAYS She don't see how it is some people
never have any trouble putting up a stove.
Then you miss the hammer. You don't
see it anywhere. You stare into the pipe,
along the mantel, and down on the stove,
and off to the floor Your wife watches
you, and is finally thoughtful enough to
inquire what you are looking after, and Cd
learning, pulls the article from her pocket.
Then you feel as if you could get out
doors and swear hole twelve feet square
through block of brick buildings, but
she merely observes: "Why on earth
don't you speak when you want anything,
and not stare around like a dummy?"
When that part of the pipe which goes
through the wall is up, she keeps
it up with her broom, while you
are making the connection, and
stares at it with an intensity that is entire
ly rmcalled for. All the while your posi-
ton is becoming more and more interest
ing. The pipe don't go together, of
course. The SCOT shakes down into your
eyes and mouth, the sweat rolls down your
face and tickles your chin as it drops of,
and it seems as if your arms are slowly
but surely drawing out Of their sockets.
Here your wife comes to the rescue by in
quiring if you are going to be all day do
ing nothing, and if you think her arms
are made of cast iron, and then the broom
slips off the pipe, and in her endeavor to
recover her hold she jabs you under the
chin with the handle, and the pipe comes
down on your head with its load Of fried
SCOT, and the chair tilts forward enough to
discharge your feet, and you come down
on the wrong end Of that chair with a
force that would bankrupt pile-driver.
You don't touch that stove again. You
leave your wife examining the chair and
bemoaning it's injuries, and go into the
kitchen and wash your skinned and bleed
ing hands with yellow soap. Then you
90 down street after man to do the busl-
ness, and your wife goes over to the neigh
bors' with her chair and tells about its in
iuries, and drains the neighborhood dry Of
it's sympathy long before you get home
9,haJ9,oI Np3ro