Year: 1870

An Essay by Mark Twain.


Against ell chambernaids, OF whatever
age or nationality, I launch the curse CT
bachelordom!


Because:


They always put the pillows at the oppo-
site end of the bed from the gas-burner, so
that while you read and smoke before sleep
ing Gas is the ancient and honored custom
Of bachelors), you have to hold your book
aloft, in an uncomfortable position, to keep
the light frcm dazzling your eyes.


When they find the pillow removed to
the otLer end of the bed in the morning,
they receive not the suggestion in q friend,
ly spirit, but clarifying in their absolute
sovereignty, and IMPLYING your helpless
ness, they make the bed just as it was
originally, and gloat in secret over the pang
their tyranny will cause you.


Always after that, when they find you
have transported the pillows, they undo
your work, and thus defy you and seek to
embitter the life that God hath given you.


If they cannot get the light in an incon-
venient position any other way, they move
the bed.


If you pull your trunk out six inches
from the wall, SO that the lid will stay up
when you open it, they always shove that
trunk back again. They do it on purpose.


If you want a spittoon in g. certain spot
where it will be handy, they don't. And
SO they move it.


They always put your boots into mac
cessible places. They chiefly enjoy de
posting them as far Under the bed as the
wall will permit 1t is because this COM
pels you to get down in an undignifed
attitude, and make wild sweeps for them
In the dark with the bootjack, and swear


They always put the match box in some
other place. They hunt up new plac 9
for it every DAY, and put 8 bottle, or other
perishabie glass things. where the box
stood before. This is to cause you to
break that glass thing, cropping in the
dark, and get yourself into trouble.


They are forever and ever moving the
furniture. When you come in, in the
night, you can calculate on finding the
bureau where the wardrobe vas in the
morning. And when you go out in the
morning, if you leave the sIop bucket by
the door. ana the rocking chair by the
window, you will fall over the rocking
chair, and you viii proceed to the window,
and sit down in the sIop bucket. This
will disgust you. They like that
No matter where you put anything,
they are not going to let it stay there.
They will take it and move it the first
chance they get.


II is their nature. And besides it gives
them pleasure to be mean and contrary.
They always save up all tbs Old scraps
of printed rubbish you throw on the floor
and stack them up carefully on the table,
and then start the frs with your valuable
manuscripts. If there is any one particu-
lar old scrap that you are more down on
L. = n
wear your life out trying to get rid of. you
may take all pains you passibly can in that
direction, but IT won't be of any use, be-
cause they will always bring the old scrap
back, and put it in the same old place
again every time. It does them good


And they use more hair oil than any six
men. If charged with purloining the
same, they lie about it. What do they
care about hereafter? Absolutely moth
iug.


If you leave your key in the door for con-
venience sake, they will carry it down to
the office and give it to the clerk. They
do this under the vile pretense of trying
to protect your property from thieves, but
actually they DO it because they want you
to tramp back down stairs after it, wheI
you come III tired, or put you to the trouble
OF sending waiter for it, which waiter
will expect you to pay him something. IL
which case [ suppose the degraded crea
lures divide.


They keep always coming to make your
bed before you get up, thus destroying
your rest and inficting agony on you, bui
after you get up, they don't come again
till the next day.


They do all the mean things they CAR
think of, and they do them out Of pure
cusseduess, and nothing Else.


Chamhermaids are dead to every human
instinct.


I have cursed them in behalf Of outraged
bachelordom. They deserve it. If I Cal
get bill through the legislature abolishine
ehambermaids, I mean to do it.


A Sailors Love.


One little act of politeness will some
times pave the way to fortune and prefer
ment. The following sketch illustrates
this fact:


A sailor, roughly garbed. was strollins
through the streets of New Orleans, thel
in a rather damp condition from recen
rains and rise of the tide. Turning tn,
corner of a much frequented and marrow
alley, he observed young lady standing
in perplexity, apparently measuring th
depth of the muddy water between he
and the opposite sidewalk, with no yer.
satisfied counJenance.


The sailor paused, for he was great ad


mirer of beauty, and certainly the fair fac


that peeped out from under the little chil


hat, and the auburn curls hanging gloss,
and uncopfned over her muslin dress


might tempt curious CT an admirin'


glance. Perplexed, the lady put forth on


foot w, ba roITart with


siveness, exclaimed, THAT pretty foot
J lady, should not be soiled with the filth c
the lane: wait for moment and J. wi


make you path"


, So, springing past her into q carpenter
! shop opposite be bargained tor plan
board that stood in the doorway, and com
ing back TO the smiling girl, who was jus
, coquetish enough to accept the services {
, the handsome young sailor, he bridge
across the narrow black stream, and sh
) tripped across with merry ''Thank you,
} and roguish smile making her eye
dazzling as they could be-


Alas our young sailor was perfectl


charmed. What else would make hil
: catch up and shoulder the plank, and fo


low the little witch through the streets t
, her home. She twice performed the cert
: nony of walking the plank, and eac
time thanking him with one of her eloque,
} smiles. Presently our hero saw the youn
lady trip up the marble steps of a palace
a house and disappear within It's rosewoo
: entrance. For full minute he stood lool
ing at the door, and then with wonderfi


big sigh turned away, disposed of b
draw bridge, and wended lis way back t
his ship.
7 The next day he was astonished with q
7 order of promotion from the captain
/ Poor Jack was speechiess with anazemen
/ He had not dreamed of being exalted
} the dignity of a second mates Office c
3 board one of the most splendid ships tn!
: sailed out of the port of New Orleans. E
S knew he was competent; for instead
S spending his money for amusement, visi
: ing theatres and bowling alleys on his r
S turn from sea, he purchased books, al
s had become quite student, but he e
: pected years to intervene before his az
: bilious hopes would be realized.
d His superior officers see emed to look u
+ on him with considerable lonlency, ar
S gave him many fair opportunity to gat
# er maritime knowledge; and in year Il
a handsome, gentlemany young mate had a
T quired unusual favor in the eyes of Il


portly commander, Captain Hume, wi
III. .&.zt