smithclay/nortonstories huggingface dataset:
Year: 1871

\ LAUGHABLE 1NCIDENT.-The train
up lot of oysters which was something
never before seen by some darkies present,
who began to examine them with great as
constituent.


"Whar he mouf p exclaimed one of the
most inquisitive. How um eat, eh ? Col
ly links um muffin cept bone Yah
yah - he continued, laughing at his own
wit Il spec some white man tink nigga
fool when he call dat ting lister. -


Just then he discovered an oyster slightly
open, and seizing it he eyed it closely. Not
satisfied with this examination, he placed it
TO his nose but no sooner was that organ
Inserted between the shells than they closed,
when the darsey howed with pain, and
called out Pull uii off pull um off u


But the more the oyster was pulled, The
more it would not let go and so poor Cuff
fee danced and yelled, his frantic efforts to
rid himself of his uncomfortable nasal or
hahent, were both ludicrous and painful


Hit um with a stick, said buxom
wench and in a moment the oyster was
knocked right and left with hearty will,
out Cuffee head went with it.


pinch he tail, > cried little mig, land he
sure let go.


But there was no tail to pinch, and Cuffee
seemed doomed to wear the oyster forever.
At this moment an intelligent contraband
whipped out knife, and it soon severed
the oyster. Cutfee looked at the shells with
amazement, and finding the oyster tooth
less. threw it away with the remark "Um
got no teef, but he gum it powerful y
Year: 1871

Said an aged minister few weeks ago
Fellow sinhsrs, if you were told that by
going to the top. of those stairs yondel
tpointing tola rickety pair at one end of the
churchl you might secure your eternal sal
vation, really believe hardly any of you
would try it. But let any man proclaim
that there was five hundred dollars up there
for you, and III be bound there would be
such getting up stairs as you. never did
see -
Year: 1871

Now, the peop'e OF Minnesota, by
their vote last spring, acceded to the
demands of an umbcr of tho bond hold.
ers, when they voted. to transfer the
lands to them as an easy and honor.
able way Of balancing the account,
The bond holders undoubtedly came to
the conclusion that if they could get
100000 acres of land, they could gel
the face of their bonds in cash. But
this was vain conclusion. When the
people of Minnesota again vote away
their property, for the payment Of those
bonds the present generation will only
be known by family records and grave.
stones-Houston County journal.
Year: 1871

RAYMOND, MINI, Eeb. Sd, 1871.


EDITOR JouRNAL-Alrs well that ends
we'll, but at one time it was thought by the
writer that his next communication to The
JOURNAL would be by sundry taps in your
sanctum, though I am not aware that you
receive news by that line.


The question has repeatedly been asked
by the people IN this vicinity, When are
we going to have sleighing? Your cor
respondent has prophesied from time to
time until he has thrown up the "glove'''
and turned the matter over to Josh. Bill
lings or the son of prophet. After q
summer Of unusual warmth and length,
we had settled down with the belief that q
cold winter would follow but here We
are on the Sd day Of February and not snow
enough has fallen this winter yet to make
sleighing, and what little We have is fast
disappearing. While the people east and
south Of us ore wadlng in snow two feet
deep, We are enjoying the most delightful
weather, with the ground nearly as free
from snow as in midsummer. Whether we
are to have spring soon or not is yet to be
determined, but am told the robins have
made their appearance. and many con-
lecture that warm weather is coming, also
J. am inclined to believe that the birds have
become disguised with the cold weathc,
down South and are seeking a warmer
| cline.
Here are few facts: Seeding was be.
gun here last spring the first OF April, and
from that time until the middle of Decem
ber there was not frost enough to ,hinde,
plowing, while there were 1856 days without
any frost. If any of the Eastern or Mid
die States can beat that, We will pass alien,
the belt. Yours,


L. B. RAYMOND.
Year: 1871

EVERY ONE HIS OWN DOCTOR.


private instructor for married persons or those
about to 10 married both male and female in every
thing concerning the physiology and relations of
sexual system, and the production and prevention of
offspring including all the discoveries never be-
n. b. This is really valuable and interesting
work. It is written in plain language for the general
reader, and is illustrated with numerous engravngs
All young married people, or those contemplating
life should read this book. It discloses that
every one should be acquainted with ; still it is a
house. It will be mt to any address on receipt of SO
cts Address DR.. VIM. YOUNG, No. 418 Spruce
Street above Fourth, PHILADELPHIA. v13nl5. .6m
Year: 1871

We would return our thanks to friends
in different localities for their efforts in
behalf Of TIM JOURNAL, in showing it to
their neigh ors and calling their attention
to the liberal offers made to new sub.
scibers.
Year: 1871

about dead issues" need deceive no one.
The very issues that are described as dead
by the feeble Northern wing of that party
are vehemently declared to be the most
vital of all by the controlling Southern
element Indeed, the force of the Demo
cratic party has always been with its
Southern wing not only because of the
greater general ability of its Southern
leaders, but because the great policy of
the party was a Southern interest. The
Northern leaders have no policy TO re-
place that of slavery, while the only posi-
tive movement in the party at this mo.
ment is that which is pressed by General
Blair and the Southern leaders-the effort
to overthrow reconstruction. Let the
Democratic party begin by being Demo
cratic, sneers Mr.. John Quincy Adams,
who clearly sees that the party he has
Joined is the party of privilege, of class
of section, and not the party of liberty,
Union, and the people.


II is because we believe the situation is
suddenly clear to the honest and loyal
people of the United States that we also
believe they will now fall into line and
move unitedly forward to victory. They
have perfect faith in the honesty of the
administration, and they know that dis
senters have now expressed their differ
ences and dissatisfactions. They will not,
indeed, hesitate yet to do so; but every
man who comprehends the disasters sure
to follow Democratic control of the gov
ernment will insist that Republican criti.
cisms of our own party shall be friendly,
and not helpful to the common enemy
for it is only by friendly criticism that the
party policy is made truly wise. 1t is not
party prejudice-it is the perception of an
obvious situation and simple calculation
of probabilities, which assure every
thoughtful man that the continued ascend
ancy of the Republican party is indis
pensable to the peace eand consequent pros
perity of the country.-Harper's Weekly
Year: 1871

LORD BRoUeHAM tells the following
ghost story on his father:


"On all subjects my father was very
skeptical. He was fond of telling story
in which he had been an actor, and, as he
used TO sey, in which his unbelieving OBJ
stinacy had been the means of demolish-
ing what would have been a very pretty
ghost story. He had been diningin Deans
Yard, Westminster, with party of young
men, one of whom was his intimate friend,
Mr.. Calmel. There was some talk about
the death of a MIS-. Nightingale, who had
recently died under some melancholy cir
cumstances, and had been buried in the
abbey. Some one offered to bet that no
one of those present would go down into
the grave and drive a nail into the coffin.
Calmel accepted the wager, only stipulat-
ing that he might have lantern. He was
accordingly let into the cathedral by
door out OF the clolsters, and there left to
himself. The pirty, after waiting an hour
or more for Calmel, began to think some
thing must have happened to him, and that
he ought to be looked after; so my father
and two or three more got light and
went to the grave, at the bottom OF which
lay the apparently dead body of Mr.. Cal
mel He was quickly transported to the
prebends dining-room, and recovered out
of his tainting tit AS soon as he could
find his tongue he said, "Well, / have
won my wager, and you'll find the nail in
the coffin; but, by Jove the lady rose up,
laid hold of me and pulled me down be-
fore l could scramble out of the grave
Calmel stuck to his story in spite of all
the scoffing of his friends; and the ghost
of Mrs Nightingale would have been all
over the town but for my fathers obstinate
incredulity. Nothing would satisfy him
but an ocular inspection of the grave and
GOTTA; and so, getting light, he and some
of the party returned to the grave. There,
sure enough, was the nail, we'll driven into
the coffin; but hard fixed by it was piece
of Mr.. Calmel's coat tail So there was an
end Of Mrs. Nightingalc's ghost. This
grave afterward became remarkable for a
very beautiful piece of sculpture, by some
celebrated artist, representing Mr.. Night
ingale vainly attempting to ward from his
dying wife the dart of death"
Year: 1871

The Democratic members of the Con.
gress Of the United States have issued
column "address TO the American people,"
in which they arraign the Republican
party for sundry crimes and misdemeanors
against the peace and happiness of the
said people of the afoTes4id United States.
1t purports 10 be "a warning against The
alarming strides toward Capitalization"


The address is little else than rehash
of party slang in a condensed form-an
epitOme of Times editorials crossed on
those of Brick Pomeroy. Ii is the prob
able work of some reporter who canned
his ten dollars by putting the fatulence
into q connected form; and he must have
laughed internally at the magnitude of the
performance and the possible chance that
some one might be found weak enough 10
believe it, OF course. such n production
hardly rises TO the dignity of criticism,
while it is scarcely worthy of comment.
1t is n kind of bran mash concocted to
meet the necessities of the organization,
lust now particularly affected with spleen
and growing costiveness OF belief in its
members in either the sagacity or ability
of their leadership, or the justice of the
cause.


What is particularly noticeable is the
omission of these worthy gentlemen TO
| make record that they nave themselves
voted for nearly every thing they claim to
be Objectionable. If we except their OPP
position to all enactments to restore law
and order in the Southern States, the
Democratic party has not cast a single
united vote against any of the measures
Isupon wi1ieff'i 1t now eGbausts its declama'
tion. 1t has opposed and aided to defeat
revenue reform; ! it has resisted. reduc-
ton of taxation and of debt; it has vainly
combatted the effort to fund the public Sc
curites at a lower rate Of interest, and all
acts, having for their purpose the restora-
ton of confidence in the public credit,
aud it has almost uniformly voted for
every railroad or other subsidy that has
passed Congress for the past ten years.
And now ii turns back on its own record,
and charges upon its opponents the very
measures it has itself chanpioned. But
the temper of the production Is even in
worse taste than its substance. There Is a
total lack of either decency, dignity or
candor; and as an appeal TO the people at
large, ii will fall still born, without show
ing the least trace of life or vitality. All
the effect 1t will have will be to increase
the general disgust of the country, if that
Is possible. Chicago Post.
Year: 1871

Whole number of clergymen given, lis.


The list given in the Register is very
imperfect, and no doubt the number was
considerably larger. There were at tha,
time a considerable number of Methodist
ministers in the State, but none are nam.
ed in the Register.
Year: 1871

[''Mr. Joseph Jefferson, who made the applica-
tion to the clergyman to ofciate, said that he re-
gretted the publicity that had been given to the
affair, both for the sake of religion and in view Of
the feelings of the bereaved family. 1t appears
the clergyman first consented to allow the funeral
to take place from his church, but when he learn
ed that Mr.. Holland had been an actor, he with
drew his consent. He added that there was a
little church around the corner from his, where
funerals of actors had taken place, and where he
advised Mr.. Jefferson to make application, and
Mr.. Jefferson left with the characteristic remark
"All honor to the little church around the cor
ner!'-Morning Newspapers
"Bring him not here, where our sainted feet


Are treading the path to glory
Bring him not here, where our Saviour sweet


Repeats for Us His story.
Go take him where such things are done,


For he sat in the seat of the scornerl-
To where they have room, for we have none
To that little church round the corner
SO spake the holy man of God
OF another man, his brother,
Whose cold remains, ere they sought the sod,


Had only asked that a Christian rite
Might be read above them by one whose light


Was, Brethren, love one another"
Had only asked that prayer be read
Ere his flesh went down to join the dead,
Whilst his spirit looked, with suppliant eyes,
Searching for God throughout the skies.
But the priest frowned NO." and his brow as


bare


Of love in the sight Of the mourner,
And they looked for Christ and found Him


where?


In that little church round the corner.
All well, God grant, when, with aching feet,


We tread lifes last few PAGES,
That we may hear some accents sweet,


And kiss, to the end, fond faces
God grant that this tired flesh may rest,


pMid many a musing mournerl
While the sermon is preached, and the rites are


read,


In no church where the heart of love is dead,
And the pastor pious prig at best,
But in some small nook where God confessed


Some little church round the corner!
Year: 1871

Married men are of two kinds
good aud bad. The bad are truly
horrible; the good very good indeed
The bad married ill.treats his family
in every way, aud generally ends hy
running away and leaving his wife
to earn u living by needle work. -
But the good married man well, he
Is not madly In love any more, ou,
he believes there never was such
woman as his wife. lie does not see
Times changes in her face; she Is
always young to him. Every baby
binds them closer To each other.


There Is an expression in u good
married mans face bachelor can
not have. 1t Is indescribable. He
10 little nearer the angels than the
prettiest young fellow living. You
can sea that his broad breast In
pillow for somebody's head. and that
little fingers pull his whlskers.-
When some one lias said, Husband
and some other, Papa, seal is set
upon his forehead. No one-no wo-
man, at least-cver mistakes the
good married man for al Instant -
II Is only the erratic one who leaves
you In doubt. The good one can
project all the unprotected females,
and make himself generally agree.
able To the ladies, and yet never leave
doubt on any mind that there Is a
precious little woman at home worth
all the world to him.
Year: 1871

The SENATORIAL CONTEST The gov
ernor said that he hoped his letter de
claring the United States senatorship
would allay the public mind, and permit
of some practical working in the legisla-
ture looking to the good of the govern
ment and the benefit of the people. But
the governors letter instead of closing,
has only opened the Pandora's box OF
evils. Every radical member Of the sem
ate, and every prominent outside man
who has sacrificed his personal honor
and political integrity by supporting the
governors administration, is a candidate
for the place that the governor declines
to accept His excellence will find out
that there is not single friend of his
who advised linn to decline this position
but what will be an aspirant for the
place himself,


White of Phillips, (colored) seems al
this time to be the most prominent can
didates on the administration side Of The
republican party. White has certainly
done more to sustain Governor Clayton
through the perils of the stormy billow'
which have recently assailed his admin
istration than any other man in the party
He certainly deserves, at the hands ofth'
governor and his administration, every
favor that could possibly be bestowed
upon him; but have a shrewd suspicion
that the too faithful and confding Whit
is doomed to experience what many
thousand who have gone before" hav,
felt-the faithlessness and ingrattudc o
his eXcellcncy, the governor.


They may try to fool White with tn
promise of that assistant commission
ership of immigration when the &C
passes; but we warn the gentleman no
to be deluded by that promise, as we d
not believe the representatives of th
people in the house will pass that meas
urc, and that it will go where we thin
White is destined to go" where tn


woodbine twineth. Little Rock Gazette
Year: 1871

The DANDY.-The effeminate nah is
a weak poultice. He is cross between
root beer and ginger-pop, with the cork
left out fresh water mermaid found in
COW pasture with hands filed with dan
deloins. He is a teacup full Of syllabub
a kitten in panteletts; a sick monkey
with a blonde moustache He is vine
without any tendrils; fly drowned in
oil; paper kite in dead calm. He
lives like butterhy-nobedy can tell
why, He is as harmless as a cents
worth of spruce gum, and as useless as a
shirt button without hole. lie is as
lazy as bread pill, and has no more
hope than last years grasshopper,
lie goes through life on tiptocs, and dies
like cologne water split on the ground, =
Little Rock Journal.


The subject OF the above is one Of the
State Senators.
Year: 1871

VINO ARE THE ANTI ADMINIsTRATIoN
RErUBIICASs Many of our distant
readers who are not familiar with all the
intricate detaile of the political situa
ton here at the capital, may infer, from
the designation of Brindle tail that has
been given to the administration re-
publcans, that they partake of the char
acterstics that were popularity attributed
to those who bore that designation in
last summers campaign, when the term
was used as one of derision and oppro-
brium. But the thuth is that these anti
administration republicans are the liberal
and conservative republicans who favor
universal suffrage and the equalits of all
men before the law. The most of them
were elected upon the liberal platform of
universal suffrage and universal amnesty
which was supposed to have reflected the
views of policies foreshowed in Clayton's
famous October (lS69) speech. They
all came here as the friends of Governor
Clayton and supporters of his admins
traton, and only deserted him when
they became convinced that he had gone
back on his promises and pledges of
liberal enfranchisement and just and
economical government.-Little Rock
Gazette.
Year: 1871

Hy- The Commissioner of Internal
Revenue orders that no officer under him
shall hold any Office or appointment un
der any State or municipal authority.
This is right, because it is in accordance
with the law.
Year: 1871

BERLIN, March ..
1t is officially proclaimed that the day
of the emperor's return to Berlin shall be
observed as day OF thanksgiving
throughout Fatherland. The exact day
has not yet been fixed by the emperor
No period of mourning will be appoint
ed. The emperor in person will open
the Reichstag on the 2lst inst.
Year: 1871

1T is unnecessary to remind those who attend
ed the concert given by the Ancient Harmony
Society last week that it is to be repeated, by
special request, tonight but we wish to re-
mind those who did not attend that they lost
one of the best entertainments of the season.
Now that it is to be repeated, with some addi-
tions to the programme, our readers will have
an opportunity to hear some of the best + ces
of old music, such as Majesty" "Strike he
Symbol" Anthem for Easter" "Victory,"
&C., also, some very fine pieces of modern
music in solos, Duets and quartettes. Miss
Chandler, who received so much applause on
her first appearance, will sustain the same
parts as at the last concert, and will also sing
Home Sweet Home.
Year: 1871

The plan of renting houses by auc-
ton has been adopted by some of the
real estates and house agents in Chica-
go, and the results, thus far, it is said,
have been very satisfactory to both
landholders and tenants; but whether
they will continue to be sufficiently so
to make this a permanent method of
rental, remains to be seen. The mode
pursued is this: The owner states the
lowest price at which he will rent
particular house to an approved tenant.
Persons desiring to rent it are then ex-
pected to bid the amount of advance,
OF premium, they will give, over and
above the minimum price stated. AS
tenants are brought into more immedi-
ate competition by this plan, the ten
dency would be to make higher rents.
The tenant of house, who desires to
rent it for another year at reasonable
rate might find himself in competition
with another bidder, who, though he
bid the most, might not meet the ap-
proval of the landlord. His family
might be larger than the landlord felt
disposed to have in his house, or there
might be other objections of even
greater Importance. Bidders of
this kind would, however, help to
run up the premium of the rent.
Year: 1871

A distinguished professor in one of
our theological seminaries relates the
following: Being in Germany, with a
red-covered book in his hand, Ger
man, supposing the book to be "Mur-
ray" asked in English if he was an
Englishman2 The professor replied in
German that he was not The CONVEX
sation presently turned upon an object
of architectural beauty near at hand, in
the course of which the professor in
eidentally raised the question of It's
cost. Sir" exclaimed the German
Instantly, you are an American p
How do you know that 70 reioined
the professor. "Sir," continued the
German, striking an attitude, and as
suming a tone of great solemnity,
"upon the resurrection morn, when
we stand before the great white throne,
the first question of every American in
the whole assembly will be, How much
did that throne cost?'
Year: 1871

In Ireland, the great difficulty in the
enforcement of the laws for the tran
quillity of the country is the difficulty
of obtaining information against the
disturbers of the peace. The Pail
Mall Gazette gives an amusing illustra-
ton of the ingenuity employed In the
of lnfOrmers. 1t says:


" A man who was known to have given
against some persons i'm
plicated III the Fenian movement was
observed one day drinking or drawing
water at a certain holy well, said to be
the residence of sacred trout. The
opportunity was too good to be neglect
ed A dead trout was procured and
placed in the well and the neighbor-
hood was forthwith invited to behold
miracle. The thing was plain. The
fish had been unable to live in water
which had reflected the features of an
informer The trout was fshed out
inquiry into the indentify of the body
being for the time waived-fxed on the
top of a pole and carried at the head of
large procession of sympathies, who
Immediately proceeded to murder the
delinquent. This act of righteous ven
geance was not, however fully consum-
mated for the police interfered, and
with some difficulty rescued the man
at that stage of the process when the
subject is described, in the dialect of
the country, as being kilt.