Year: 1872

l was home again, IN San FRANCISCO, Will
out means and without employment. l tor.
tured my brain for saving scheme of some
kind, and at last public lecture occurred to
me. I sat down and wrote one in a fever Of
anticipation. I showed it to several friends,
but they all shook their heads. They said
nobody would come to hear me, and 1 would
make humiliating failure of. it, They said
that as I had never spoken in public I would
break down in the delivery, anyhow. l was
disconsoate now. But at last an editor slap.
ped me on the back and told me to go ahead
He said, Take the largest house in town, and
charge dollar ticket The audacity of
the proposition was charming; it seemed
fraught with practical worldly wisdom, how.
ever. The proprietor Of one of the several
theatres endorsed the advice, and said l might
have his handsome new Opera House at half
price, fifty dollars. Insheer desperation Itook
ton credit, for sufficient reasons. In three
days I did a hundred and fifty dollars worth of
printing and advertising, and was the most
distressed and frightened creature on the Pa.
cifc coast. I could not sleep-who could un-
der such circumstances? For other people
there was facetiousness in the line of my post
ers, but to me it was plaintive with pang
when Iwrote it:


"Doors open at half past seven o'clock.
The trouble will begin at eight"


That line has done good service since. l
have even seen it appended to newspaper
advertisement, reminding school pupils in va
cation what time next term would begin. AS
those three days of suspense dragged by I
grew more and more unhappy. Ihad sold my
two hundred tickets among my personal
friends, but I feared that they might not
come. My lecture, which had seemed "hu:
morous" to me at first, grew steadily more and
more dreary till not vestige of fun seemed
left, and I grieved that could not bring a
coffin on the stage and turn the thing into a
funeral. I was so panic stricken at last that
I went to three old friends, giants in stature,
cordial by nature, and stormy voiced, and
said:


"This thing is going to be failure; the
Jokes in them are so dim that nobody will ever
see them. I would like to have you sit in the
parquette and help me through"


They said they would. Then l went to
the wife of popular citizen, and said that if
she was willing to do me very great kind
ness would be glad if she and her husband
would sit prominently in the left hand stage
box, where the whole house could see them.
I explained that I should need help, and
would turn toward her and smile, as signal,
when had been delivered ofan obscurej joke
"and then," I answered, "don't wait to inves.
tigate, but respondp


She promised. Down the street I met q
man had never seen before. He had been
drinking, and was beaming with smiles and
good nature. He said:


"My name is Sawyer. You don't know
me, but that don't matter. haven't got a
cent, but if you knew how bad I wanted t.
laug gh, you'd give me ticket. Come, now,
what do you say2"


"Is your laugh hung OH a hair-trigger? /?
that is, is it critical, or can it get off easy ?"


My drawling in6rmity of speech 80 affected
him that he laughed specimen or two that
struck me as being about the article wanted,
and l gave him ticket, and appointed him
to sit in the second circle in the centre and
be responsible for that division of the house.
I gave him minute instructions about how to
detect indistinct jokes, and then went away
and left him chuckling placidly over the nov
city of the idea.


I ate nothing on the last of the three event
full days-I only suffered. had advertised