Year: 1871

I -


The EgOtisticaI Compile. iaG


The egotistical couple may be young,
old, middle-aged, well-to-do or ill-to-do;
they may have a small family, large
family, or no family at all. There is no
outward sign by which an egotistical
couple may be known and avoided
They come upon you unawares; there is
no guarding against them. No man can
of himself be forewarned or forearmed
against them. tIr


The egotistical couple have undergone
every calamity, and experienced every
pleasurable and painful sensation of
which our nature is susceptible. You
caHnot by possibility tell the egotistical
couple anything they have not felt. They
have been everything but dead. Some
times we are tempted to wish they had
been even that, but only in our uncharit-
able moments, which are few and far be-
tween.


We happened the other day, in the
course of morning call, to encounter
an egotistical couple, nor were we suf-
fered to remain long in ignorance of the
fact, for our very first inquiry of the
lady Of the house brought them into
active and vigorous operation. The in
quiry was of course touching the lady s
health, and the answer happened to be
that she had not been very we'll. .,.,..


go, my dearl" said the egotistical
lady, "don't talk Of not being well. We
have been in such a state since we saw
you lastIp br r
The lady of the house happening to
remark that her lord had not been we'll
either, the egotistical gentleman struck
in: Never let Briggs complain Of not
being well-never let Briggs complain,
my dear Mrs. Briggs, after what have
undergone within these six weeks. He
doesn't know what it is to be i'll, he
hasn't the least idea of it; not the
faintest conception" "agns La.


"My dear" interposed his wife,
smiling, you talk as if it were almost
a crime in Mr.. Briggs not to have been
as i'll as we have been, instead of feel
ing thankful to Providence that both he
and our dear Mrs. Briggs are in such
blissful ignorance of real suffering.
| "My love- returned the egotistical
gentleman, in low and pious voice,
you mistake me; feel grateful-very
grateful. trust our friends may never
purchase their experience as dearly as
we have bought ours; / hope they never
mayl g a1EH


Having put down Mrs. Briggs upon
this theme, and settled the question
thus the egotistical gentleman turned
to us, and after few preliminary re-
marks all tending toward and leading
up to the point he had in his mind, in
lquired if we happened to be acquainted
with the Dowager Lady Snorfleur. On
our replying in the negative, he pre-
sumed we had often met Lord Slang, or
beyond all doubt, that we were on inti-
mate terms with Sir Chipkins Glogwog.
Finding that we were equally unable to
lay claim to either of these distinctions,
he expressed his great astonishment,
and turning to his wife with retro
spective smile, inquired who it was that
told that capital story about mashed
potatoes.


"Who, my dear2" returned the egotis-
teal lady, why, Sir Chipkins, of course;
how can you ask2 Don't you remember
his applying it to our cook, and saying
that you and / were so like the Prince
and Princess that he could almost have
sworn we were theyY


ITO be sure, | remember that, said
the egotistical gentleman; but are you
quite certain that didn't apply to the
other anecdote about the Emperor Of
Austria and the pumpY ll


Upon my word, then, | think it die"
replied his wife. oL t4c


ITO be sure it did, " said the egotistical
gentleman; 1T was Slangs story, re-
member now, perfectly"


However, it turned out, few seconds
afterward, that the gentleman's memory
was rather treacherous, as he began to
have a misgiving that the story had been
told by the Dowager Lady Snorfeur
the very last time they dincd there; but
there appearing, on further considera-
ton, strong circumstantial evidence
tending to show that this couldn't be,
inasmuch as the Dowager Lady Snor-
heur had been, on the occasion in
question, wholly engrossed by the ego
l.tistical lady, the egotistical gentleman
recanted his opinion; and after laying
the story at the doors of great many
great people, happily left it at last with
the Duke Of Scuttlewig observing that
it was not extraordinary he had forgot
ten His Grace hitherto, as it often hap
pened that. the names of those with
whom we were upon the most familiar
footing were the very last to present
| themselves to our thoughts.


1t not only appeared that the egotisti-
cal couple knew everybody, but that
scarcely any event Of Importance or
notoriety had occurred for many years
with which they had not been in some
way or other connected.


When the FIRE broke out which ended
in the destruction of the Houses of
Parliament, the egotistieal couple, being
at that time at drawing-room window
on Blackheath, then and there simHlta-
neously exclaimed to the astonishment
Of the whole party, It's the House of
Lords T. Nor was this solitary in
stance of their peculiar discernment for
CHANGING to be-as by a,eomparison Of
dates and circumstances they afterward
found-in the same omnibus with Mr..
Greenacre, when he carried his victims
head about town in blue bag; they both
remarked a singular twitching in the
muscles of his countenanee, ran


Diyersifying these topics by the intro
duction of many others of the same
kind, and entertaining us between whiles
with a minute account of what weather
and diet agreed with them, and what
weather and diet disagreed with them,
and at what time they usually got up,
and at what time they usually went to
bed, with many other particulars of their
/ domestic economy too numerous TO NEIL
ton, the egOtistical couple at length took