Year: 1872

y 3
orable and legitimate warfare. If man
has no right in the bosom of his own family,
pray whose bosom has he right in? But
I didn't go right in. Not by any means
My badge of chivalry, just at that time, was
not of the kind to commend me, at once, to
the arms and affections ofmy too scrupulous,
neat and tidy wife. l was ordered into quar-
rentine. I was put upon the dock for re-
pairs In other words Ihad the itch. CAL
ifornia itch, it was pronounced by compe-
tent judges; but why so denomnated, [ am
at o loss to determine, unless twas arobust,
healthy, salubrious case. This was the true
state Of the casc-and it was the first case I
had ever had although had been lawyer
for some time, by profession, barring the
practice-for it is always we'll to bar the
practice till you practice at the bar.


l reached home that night in May 'G5 af-
ter a hard days walk through gentle rain,
and took my scat by the cheerful spring fire.
Somehow l had Conscientious scruples against
letting the itch part of my military glory leak
out until next morning. But it was all in
vain. In vain | strovc to let "conccalment
like worm feed upon my damask &c.
My grimaces, my body gyrations soon began
to point a moral and to tcla tale. ''Uriah,"
said the old lady slowly and gloomily, "you'vc
got the itch and | wouldn't have it get into
the bosom of my family for anything in the
world, it would be a shame and scandlc to
the neighborhood. had to own up I
put on a ghastly grin, and tried to make her
believe the itch, after all, was nothing but
patriotic luxury, and good thing to have in
a family. She couldn't see it. She refused
positively to come within six feet Of me
while the children stood aoof and stared at
ME as if l were a wild beast. l tried to be
familiar, but it was no 90, had been alb
sent for many weary months and was full Of
love and poetry.


''Comc rest in my bosom mr own stricken deer"
didn't seem to strike any one in particular.
The consequence was, | was slowed away
that night in room to myself, to muse on
the pomp and pride and circumstances Of
glorious war-cspccially the circumstance.
My wife WAS incxorablc. l suppose you
know what that mcans-in woman. If
you don't, como down and stay week with me
and take occasion to bring 4 quantity of
mud in en- your boots, and it won't take you
long to fnd out. She don't put her foot
down often, but when she docs, she puts it
down little of the firmcst. knew very
well | would have to get rid of that case
completely bcfnre { could ever know my
rights and l;ncwn" dare maintain them. 1t
was the worst case [ had ever heard Of
Scratch? | reckon if all the scratching I
did in any enc day had been spread out, it
would have cove; cd 4 surface equal to twenty
five acic&-good measure. And what was
getting to be still more serious. my nails
were fast wearing down into the quick. and
corns were growing on the balls ofmy fingers.
So early the next morning after my arriva!
home, I hurried over to consult on old steam
doctor who had long been the oracle Of the
ncighborhcod, and laying all my troubles
fairly and squarcly before him, begged for Il
short, sharp and decisive remedy.


He asked me if | was equal to the emer-
gcncy.


I gladly answered in the affirmative. l
was equal to anything that would speedily
restore My wite's lost love. l felt like one
who trod alone; and there was nothing in
this world that was half 50 sweet as loves old
dream. He said he thought lie could
sweetcn me.


| took the bottle Of turpcntinc according
to directions, went home and locked up in
my room with all but me depratcd, l began
to strip for the contest. | was all over spot
ted as a leopard, and as raw as a piece of
new beef poured the saving fluid into a
saucer, caught up about gill in the hollow
of each hand, and rubbed it on with tho en-
crcy that springs from despair. l used up
half the bottle before l stopped to think
Then l didn't stop long. | made start,
as I thought for the door, and found myself
half way up the chimney. l rolled down and
over, and screamed like wild Indian. Talk
about ycllowjackot plaster, and hornets nests
and honey bees, and abominable humble bees,
and hot ashes and hell fire! If had been
dumped hccls overhead into the furnace of
the Tennessee Iron Works, l would have
froze to death in five minutes. l was on the
bed, under the bed, walking on my heels
and then upon my toes and champinc the bit,
and chawing one leg of my pants, till it look
ed like dilapidatcd dish rag.


had enough rebclio in ulc to have started
three small Republics My wife and chill
drcn were screaming and pounding at the
door, trying to get in; but I couldn't find the
door, for the room was flying around like a
spinning jenny. was foaming at the mouth
like fifteen cases of hydraphobia. and calling
alternately for fire and water.


The next morning there was one case less
of itch in the so called, any how [ peeled
off all over like an onion. she'd offenough
scales that night to have started New Eli
gland Fishery.


My hide drew up till twas with the great,
est difficulty that could get my feet to the
floor for more than n week.


Indeed all my friends say that my skin
has been too short over since.


In less than. twenty-four houts after was
able to get about, one steam doctor had time
" notice, signed sealed and delivered by or
| dor nf thc chief If he u-kluy-klan to emf