Year: 1871

my exit, 1 rushed from the room amid
the crash of croekery and the roar of un-
comfortable laughter.


As 1 fed along the hall toward nv
own room, I heard shout which open-
ed my eyes to the truth of the case, and
showed me that I was q victim. The
words were but two, but they were won
derfully emphatic and expressive, and /
was fated to hear them many time
again throughout that wretched day.
These fatal syllables were, as 1 said, but
two, but those two were, April fool
OF course instantly saw the joke, if
joke it is. You see that the eight ladies
afore spoken Of, being each one pro-
vided with lover, have not the slightest
compunction in poking all sorts of fun
at me, as it happens that 1 am the only
old bachelor in the establishment. So
it was for my especial benefit that cup
of coffee was salted with four ounces of
EPSON salts that morning. Also that
certain biscuits were sacked in vinegar.
Also that certain mutton chops, veal cut
let's, and pieces of steak were fried in
lard, in lamp oil, in whale oil, and that
finally batch of griddle cakes were fix
ed up for my especial benefit, which it
was intended I should butter nicely, and
then flood with a copious out-pouring of
maple syrup" all of which I did but
the "butter" was mixture of yellow
beeswax and mutton tallow, and the
maple syrup was ingeniously concocted
from about equal parts of pepper, vine
gar, and Worcestershire sauce, with a
strong sprinkling of cayenne pepper
You can imagine what sweet dose /
got, after soaking my cakes full of this
delectable mixture. No wonder I thought
torch-light procession was going down
my throat, and that 1 Immediately rush
ed for somebody or something to put it
out. Mad was I, clear down to the toes
of my boots, and I resolved to get out
of that house and never come back
again until proper and suitable apollo
gy had been made.


Dashing off my slippers I thrust my
foot into my boot, only to find it
plunged into quart of strong soft soap.
Then when I tried to put on my overcoat
| found both sleeves sewed up, and long
needle stuck in the skirt, SO that if I had
not discovered it should inevitably been
impaled the first time tried to sit down.


Got dressed at last, and started down
town, my last mishap in the house being
the tumbling on my head out of the top
of my hat of about half peck of sharp
pointed tacks, which had been artfully
concealed by the sportive girls.


Going down street I saw silver half
dollar on the sidewalk. Trying to pick
it up hidden string caused it to disap-
pear round the corner, and a grand cho-
rus Of rascally boys shouted "April-foel.' .


1 saw an old hat on the sidewalk. In
my savage mood I kicked it with all my
force. 1t had big stone inside, and 1
kicked the nail off my big toe.


Got into crowd. Man called out to
me, GA fellow is picking your pocket, look
out for him." I told him he couldn't
"April-fool' me again, and it was only
when I got home at night and found that
my watch had really been stolen, that 1
found the man was in earnest.


The letters received that day would
almost make man believe that all the
world thought him the one grand fool Of
all creation. I had offers of the most
wonderful Sort Shares of all kinds at
prices next to nothing 1 had offers of
partnership in banks, oil wells, gold mines
flying machines. Railroads: Aerial, un-
derground, arcade, surface, floating.
Steamboat: To run on land, in air, wrong
side up, by gas, salad oil, windmill in
bow. Machines: To make Goldfish balls,
to make goldfish balls out of beef bones
old shoe strings. Offers Of shares in ma
chine to make first-class Goldfish balls
from old boots, also from disused hoop
skirts, old wool hats, turkey feathers, ar
tifcial flowers. Machines to make roast
beef from India rubber shoes; also from
worn-out teakettles; and hundred other
likely plans.


Then / had letters announcing that I
had drawn a prize in the lottery-in fact