Year: 1871

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When I married my second wife, she
was dreadful set about going on bridal
tour. told her that she had better wait
six months or year, and I'd try to 20 with
her, and she said she'd rather go alone
when a woman was travelling, man was an
out. and-out humbug.


So | gave her seventy-five cents, and
told her to 60 and have good time. l
never begrudged money where my wife's
happiness is concerned. My first wife never
could complain OF not going anywhere, for
I'm dreadful fierce to 60 off on good time
myself, and always was. don't pretend
to say how many times I took her out to
see the sights, and there was no end to the
free lectures she wenttn. The neigh bors
used to say, at beats all how the SINNERS
do go!"


When 'Signor Blitz was in Skunkville
with his wonderful canaries, he gave my
wife complimentary ticket. not only
sold that ticket for my wife, but gave her
half the money. I don't boast of it, but l
only mention it to show how much l thought
of her happiness.


don't think any man ought to get mar
ried until he can consider his wife's happi-
ness only second to his own. John Wise,
neighbor of mine, did thusly, and when
| I got married l concluded to do likewise


But the plan didn't work in the case of
my second WIFE No-I should say not
l broached the subject kindly:
Matilda" said l, 81 suppose you are
aware that am your lord and master" ?"


"Not much you ain't," said she.


"Mls. Skinner" said |, ''you are fear
fully disorganized. You are cranky
And brandised my new sixty cent um-
brella wildly around her.


She took the umbrella away from me,
and locked me up in the clothes press.
l am quick to draw an inference, and the
inference drew here was, that | was not
success as reorganizer of female women


After this changed my tactics. let
her have her own way, and the plan from
the very first worked to charm. It's the
best way Of managing wife that know Of.
OF course this is between you and me-
It's secret worth knowing.


So when my wife said she was bound to
go off on bridal tour, anyhow, l cordially
! assented.


"Go, Matilda" said I, "and stay as long
as you want to then if you feel as though
you would like to stay little longer, stay,
my dear"


She told me to stop my talking, and go
up stairs and get her red flannel night-cap,
and that bag of pennyroyal for her aunt
Abigail My wife is a very smart woman.
She was Baxter, and the Baxters are a
smart family indeed Her mother, who is
going on eighty, can fry more slapjacks
now than half of these primpup town girls,
who rattle on the piano, or walk the streets
with their furbelows and fxins, pretending
to get mad if young man looks at them
pretty hard, but getting mad in earnest if
you take no notice of them at all.
All ! girls amt what they used to be
when | was young, and the fellows are
worse still. When | went courting, for
instance, l never thought cf staying till
after 10 o'clock, and only went twice aweek
Now they 60 seven nights in the week and
cry for want of more; then write touch
ing notes to each other through the day
''Dear George, do you love me as much. as
you did at quarter past twelve last night ?
Say you do, dearest, and it will give me
courage to go down and tackle them cold
beans left over from yesterday.


Well, well, suppose they enjoy them
selves and it amt for us old folks, whose
hearts have got little calloused by long
wear, to interfere. Let them get together
and court, if they like it-and l think
they do. / was forty-seven when ] court
ed my present wife, but it seemed just as
nice to sit on little cricket at her feet,
and let her smooth my hair, as it did twen-
ty years ago.


As l said before, my wife was smart
woman, but she couldn't be any thin, else
and be a Baxter. She used to give lectures
on women's rights and in one place where
she lectured big college conferred the
title L. L. D. upon her. But she wouldn' t
take it. "No, gentlemen" said she, "give
it to the poor" She was always Just so
charitable. She gave my boys permission
to go barefooted all winter, and insisted on
it so much in her kind way that we couldn t
refuse


She fairly dotes upon my children, and
I've seen her many time go for their
trowseis pockets after they had gone to
sleep, and take out their pennies and put
them in her bureau drawer for fear they
might lose them.


started to tell you all about my wife's
bridal tour, but the fact is, I never could
find out much about it myself. I believe
she had good time. She came back i'm
proved in health, and | found out before
she was in the house twenty four hours
that she had gained strength also. don't
say how found it out. l simply say
found it out.


In conclusion, would say to all young
men, marry your second wife first, and keeE
out of debt by all means, even if you have
to borrow the money to do it.