Year: 1876

history, so that the enemies of the
party will be able to rake up
against him things that nobody
ever heard Of before. IfyOu know
the most about a candidate to be-
gin with, every attempt to spring
things on him will be check. mat
ed. Now, l am going to enter
the field with an open record. l
am going to own up in advance
to ali the Wickedness [ have done,
and if any Congressional commit
tee is disposed to prOwl around
my biography. in the hopes OF
finding any dark and deadly deed
which have secreted, why, LET
it prOWl.
In the first place, admit that
| did tree rheumatic grandfath-
er of mine in the winter Of 1859.
He was old and inexpert at climb
ing trees. But with heartlesS
brutality that is CHARACTERISTIC OF
me, I ran MIN out of the front
door in his night shirt, at the
point of a shotgun, and caused
him to bowl up a maple tree, where
he remained all night, while l
emptied shot in his legs. did
this because he snored. / will do
it again if | ever have another
grandfather. | am as inhuman
now as | was in 1859, No rheuma-
tic person shall sn0re in my mouse.


The last time l ran for the Pre-
sidency there Was some unplea-
SAINT talk about my implication in a
transaction with the widow Pol
locks dncks. The matter was
hushed up, but L have no Objec-
to admitting the truth respecting
it. | have always had theory
that roast duck was conducive to
hysterical symptoms. and as every
instinct Of nature prompted me to
protect the widow from the raw
ages of hysteria l entered the
coop in the garden and regretful-
ly but firmly removed those
ducks. The fact that she began
prosecution against me is not a
matter of consequence. It is the
fate of the phiianthrOpist to be
misunderstood. But duty is my
guiding star, and if it leads me to
ducks or destruction [ shall follow
it.


I candidly acknowledge that I
ran away at the battle of Gettys-
burg. My friends have tried to
smooth over this fact by assert
ing that | merely got behind a
tree; that | did so for the purpose
of initiating Washington, who
went into the woods at Valley
Forge to say his prayers. 1t is a
miserable subterfuge. l struck
out ia a straight line for the Tro.
PIC of Cancer, simply because |
was scared. wanted my ,cOun-
try saved, but I preferrd to have
somebody else save her; / enter
tain that preference yet. If the
bubble reputation can be obtained
only at the cannon's mouth, [ am
willing to go there for it, provid-
ed the cannon is empty. If it is
loaded, my immortal and infiexi'
BILE purpase is to get over the fence
suddenly and go home. My in.
variable practice in war has been
to bring out of any given fight
two thirds more men than took
in. This seems to me to be Ma
pOleonic ia its grandeur.


Ny financial views are OF the
most decided character, but they
are not likely, perhaps, to increase
my popularity, with the advO-
Gates of initiation and contraction.
l do not insist upon the special
supremacy of rag money or hard
money. The great foundation
principle of my life is to take any
kind that I can get.


The rumor that | buried dead
aunt under one of my grapevineS
is founded upon fact. The vines
needed fertilizing, my aunt had
to be buried, and | dedicated hel
to that high purpose. Does thai
act unfit me for the Presidency:
The constitution of our country
does not say so. No other citizer
was ever considered unworthy o
the Office because he enriched hi'
grapevines with his relations
Why should be selected as tht
| first victim of an absurd preju
dice?


I admit, also, that lam not
friend of the poor man. I regart
the DOOR man, in his present con
dition, as so much wasted raw
material. Cut up and prOperl!
canned, he might be made usefu
to fatten the natives of the CannI
bal Islands and to improve our ex
port trade with that region;


shall recommend legislation upoI
the subject in my first message


My campaign cry will be 'DessI
cate the poor WOrkmen! Stul
him into sausage!"
These are about the worst part
! Of NV rnpOr6 On thpn0 come be