Year: 1870

From Punchinello.l


The Miseries of a Handsome Man.


Ever since my earliest recollections
l have been victim to circumstances.


Beauty, which others desire and try
every means to obtain, to me has been
a source of untold misery. From my
infancy, when ugly women with horrid
breaths would stop my nurse in the
streets and insist upon kissing me-
through my school days, when the
| girls would pet me and offer me a
share oftheir nuts and candies, and the
boys laugh at me in consequence, and
call me "gal-boy," squirt ink upon
my face for beauty-spots, and present
me with curl papers and flowers for
my hair--until the present, when am
denied introductions to young ladies
and am put off on old women--I have
suffered for my looks.


In my boarding house l am Stunned
as if l had the plague. When 1 enter
the parlor or dining-room, l see the la
dies look at each other with knowing
air, as much as to say, "Look at him!"
And the answer is telegraphed back,
"Ain't be handsome? but he knows
it," as if could help knowing it with
every one telling me so fifty times a
day; and husbands pay unusual atten-
ton to their wives when 1 am around,
as if were an ogre.


am naturally modest man, made
more so by my extreme sensitiveness
to personal criticism; and to be obliged
to stand apparently unconscious, when
l know | am being looked at and COM
mented upon, is narrowing to my feel
ings. feel sometimes as if l should
drop down on the floor, but then folks
would never stop laughing if did, at
what they would be pleased to term
my extreme ladylikeness! l have &C.
tually prayed that 1 might get the
smallpox, and once walked through
the smallpox hospital for that purpose,
but escaped unharmed.


suppose 1 must have been vacci-
mated. In fact, l know 1 have been,
for how often have | looked at the
scar on my arm, and wished it had
been on my cheek, or at the end of my
nose, or, in fact, on any place where
it might be considered a blemish.


When l was child came near kill
ing myself one night by going to bed
with two large bottle corks thrust into
my nostrils, to make them large, like
other boys; and have made my mouth
sore by stretching it with my fingers,
or forcing melon rinds into it, to en-
large it. But it was useless; perhaps
the mouth might be sore for couple
of days, but its shape remained unal-
tered.


Now that am man, am as un-
fortunate as ever. My hair lOW curl,
even when shaved within half an inch
of the scalp; my mustache will stay
jet black, although sometimes wax
the ends Of it with soap, and walk on
the sunny side of Broadway; my teeth
are perfect, and 1 never need a dentist;
and nay hands are shameful for man
so all my old maid aunts and bach
elor uncles say.


Ny affections have been trifed with |
several times, "because," as they said,
when they had drawn me to the pro-
posing point, 81 was too handsome to
be good for anything as a husband-I
did very well for a beau" Goodness!
is it only ugly men that can marry? l
want to marry and settle down; for |
am SO sighted in society that l look
with envy upon homely or misshapen
men.


But who will have me? l put it to
you my friend, if it isn't hard case. l
want an intelligent and agreeable wife,
and one that comes of respectable
family. l don't think l am asking too
much, but it seems fate has determined
such one l can never have! / have
either to remain single, or take one
that is Ignorant and vulgar" That,
of course, would be as much remarked |
upon as my appearance, SO it can not
be thought of.


l want to escape observation and
criticism. think strongly of emigrat-
ing to the Rocky Mountains, donning
rough garb. and digging for gold, in
the hope of getting round-shouldered;
or hiring myself out as wood chopper,
in anticipation of chip flying up and
taking of part of my obnoxious nose.


If there were no women around,
might escape notice out there. But if
one happened to come along, l should
be obliged to leave, for her eyes would
ferret out my unfortunate peculiarities,
and all my wounds would be opened
afresh. Sometimes l think there is no
spot on the globe where would be
welcomed; and 1 feel inclined to COM
NIT some desperate deed, that may be
arrested and confined out of the sight
of man and woman-kind, until am
aged and bent enough to be present
.111