Year: 1876

uohist,' Kite, Etc.


a lew months ago l was nominated for Gov
etnor OF the great state of New York, to rul
against Stewart L. Woodford and John 7. Hoff
man, on an independent ticket 1 somehow
telt that had one prominent advantage owe
these gentlemen, and that was good character
IL was easy to see by the newspapers that
they had ever known what it was to hear ,
good name, that time had gone by. II wa,
plain that in these latter years tbev had he
come familiar with all manner of sbamefu
crimes. But at the very moment that wa,
exaltIng my advantage and joying in it in &C.
cret' there was muddy undercurrent of dis
comfort "iilng' the deeps of my happiness
and that was the having to hear my name
banded about in familiar connection with these
OF such people. grew more and more dis
tur9ed. Finally L wrote my grandmother
ABOUT 1t. Her answer came quick aud sharp.
| She said:


| GU have never done one single thing in all
your life to be ashamed of-not one. Look al
the newspapers-look at them and comprehend
what sort of charactsrs Woodford and Hoff.
man are, and then see if you are willing to
lower yourself to their level and enter pub
lie canvass with them.''


ltwas my very thought! did not sleep
single moment that night. But after all L
could not recede. / was fully committed and
must go on with the fight As was looking
hstessly over the papers at breakfast came
across this paragraph, and L may truly say
never was so confounded before:
"PERJURY.-Pethaps now that Mr. Mark
Twain is before the people as a candidate for
Governor he will condescend to explain how
he came to be convicted of perjury by thirty
four witnesses in Wakawak, Cochin China, in
1868, the intent of which perjury was to rob a
poor native widow, and her helpless family, of
a meagre plantain patch, their only stay and
support IN their Bereavement and their desola-
tlon. Mr.. Twain owes 1t to himself, as well as
to the great people whose suffrage he asks, to
clear the matter up. Will he do it?''


thought | should burst with amazement!
Such cruel, heartless charge-I had never
seen Cochin China! had never heard OF Wa
kawak! didn't know pantain patch from
a kangaroo! did not know what to do L
was crazed and helpless. L let the day slip
away without doing anything at all. The next
morning the same paper had this-nothing
more


Significant Mr. Twain, it will be observed.
is suggestively silent about the Cochin China
perjury"


[Mem.-During the rest of the campaign
this paper never referred to me IN any other
way than as "the infamous perjurer Twain."1


Next came the Gazette with this


Wanted to Know.-Will the new candidate
for Governor deign to explain to certain of his
fellow-citizens (who are suffering TO vote for
him J the little circumstance of his cabin mates
IN Montana losing small valuables from time to
time, until at last these things having been in
variably found on Mr. Twain's person or in his
trunk newspapers he rolled his traps in)
they felt compelled to give him friendly ad-
monition for his own good, and so tarred and
feathered him and rode him on rail, and then
advised him TO leave a permanent vacuum in
the place he usually occupied in the camp.
Will he do this?"


Could anything be more deliberately mali
cious than that? For never was in Montana
in my life.


[After this, this journal customarily spoke of
me as Twain, the Montana thief


got to picking up papers apprehensively-
much as orS would lift desired blanket which
he had some Idea might have a rattlesnake un-
der it. One day this met my eye:


"THE LIE NAILEDi-By the sworn afidavits
OF Michael O'Flanagau, ESQ.,, of the Five
Points, and Mr.. Kit Burns and John Allen, of
Water street, it is established that Mr.. Mark
Twain vile sentiment that the lamented grand
father of our noble standard-bearer, John 7.
Hoffman, was hanged for highway robbery, is
a brutal and gratuitous LIE, without a single
shadow of foundation in fact 1t is dishearten-
ing to virtuous men to see such shameful means
resorted to, to achieve political success, as the
attacking of the dead in their graves and defil-
ing their honored names with slander. When
we think of the anguish this miserable false
hood must cause the innocent relatives and
friends of the deceased, we are almost driven to
iucite an outraged and insulte6 public to sum-
mary and unlawful vengeance upon the traduc-
er. But no-let us leave him to the agony of
lacerated censcience-(t (though if passion should
get the better of the public and in its blind
Jury they should do the traducer bodily injury,
1t is but too obvious that no jury could convict
and no court punish the perpetrator of the
deed)'


The Ingenious closing sentence had the effect
of moving me out of bed with dispatch that
night, and out at the back door also, while the
outraged and insulted public surged in the
front way, breaking furniture and windows in
their righteous indignation as they came in,
and taking of such property as they could car
ry when they went. And yet can lay my
hand upon the Book and say that never SLAM
dered Governor Hoffmans grandfather. More,
never even beard of him or mentioned him up
to that day and date.


will state, in passing, that the journal
above quoted from always referred to me after
ward as Twain, the Body-Snatcher.


The next newspaper article that attracted my
attention was the following:


ga SWEET CANDDATE.-Mark Twain, who
was to make such a blighting speech at mass
meeting of the Independents last night, didn't
come to time! A telegram frotA the physician
stated that he had been knocked down by rum
away team and his leg broken in two places
sufferer lying in great agony and so forth, and
so forth, and lot more bosh of the same sort.
And the Independents tried hard to swallow
the wretched subterfuge and pretend that they
did not know what was the real reason of the
absence of the abandoned creature whom they
denominate their standard bearer. A certain
man was seen 10 reel into Mr. IaCdin's hotel
last night IN beastlY state of intoricdtion 1t lis
the imperative duty of the Independents to
prove that this besotted brute was not Mark
Twain himself. We have them at last This
is case that admits of no Sinking. The voice
OF the people demands in thunder tones, WHO
is THAT MAN?"


1t was incredible, absolutely incredible, for
moment, that it was really my name that was
coupled with this disgraceful suspicion. Three
long years had passed over my head since bad
tasted ale, beer, wine or liquor of any kind.


1t shows what effect the times were having
on me when | say that | saw myself confidently
dubbed "Mr. Delirium Tremens Twain" in the
next issue of that journal without pang-n0t~
withstandiDg knew that with monotonous fl
deity the paper would go on calling me so to
the very and


BY this time anonymous letters were getting
to be an important part of my mail matter
This form was common:


"How about that old woman you kiked off


PAUL PRY."


And this:


1ucIc Is Wllcu you nave uOU6 WHICH
is unbeknowens to anybody but me. You
better trot out few dolls. TO yours truly or
you'll hear tbro' the papers from


HANDY ANDY"


This is about the idea. could continue
them until the reader was surfeited, if de-
srable.


Shortly the principal Republican journals
convicted me of wholesale bribery, and the
leading Democratic paper mailed" an aggra-
vated case of blaekmailing to me.


In this way acquired two additional names
-"Twain, the Filthy Corruptionist'' and
"TwaiD, the Loathsome Embracer."1


By this time there had grown to be such
clamor for an answer 20 all the dreadful
charges that were laid to me, that the editors
and leaders of my party said it would be po!i.i-
cal ruin for nae to remain silent any longer
AS if TO make their appeal the more imper-
tive, the following appeared in one of the
papers the very next day:


"BEHoLD THE MAN!-The independent can
didate still maintains silence. Because he dare
not speak. Every accusation against him has
been amply proved, and they have been en-
dorsed and re-endorsed by his own eloquent
silence, till at this day he stands forever con-
yicted, Look upon your candidate indepen-
dents! Look upon the Infamous Periurer! the
Montana Thief! the Body Snatcher! Contem-
plate your incarnate Delirium Tremens! your
Filthy CorruDtonistl YOUR LOathsOme En-