Year: 1870

1


L-FRoM MR.. JONES' STANDPOINT.


John Smith and 1 were close friends
So we are still. John has a sister. ]
have wife. His possession came to
him in the ordinary course of nature.
Mine came to me by the extraordinary
process of courtship. We are now joint
proprietors; his natural claim and my
vested right being in one and the same
indeyidual. fused once to to think hel
a4Uptky little simpleton, as her brother
= said she was. My appreciation
of1er beauty remains unchanged. But
as to her simplicity, am in progress
of conversion. And 1 am free to con.
fess that when the honeymoon, now al
its height, is fairly over, / shall proba-
bly, be ready to concede that she is as
wise as she is good, and as good as she
is pretty. Ifshe can bedeemed foolish,
it is for marrying me. Out of respect
for her, / am determined to set that
question at rest. 1 will vindicate her
wisdom, by proving myself a model
husband. "a , - -


The man whose dear male friend and
chosen associate has charming sister
is in dangerous case; that is, if mat
rimony is to be regarded as a peril. ]
am not quite prepared to say. In some
regards it certainly is perilOus to your
dead-latch key, for instance, your to-
bacco-pouch, your rough and ready hat
and coat, and your rough and ready
habits generally. Women of address,
and especially those who hide their
cleverness under the mask of charming
simplicity, like my pretty little Bessie,
can revolutionize you before you are
aware of what they are doing. No
doubt, too, husbands modify the char
acter of their wives. "They twain
shall be one fiesh" f" is not a meaning
less declaration. The man becomes, in
part, feminine; the woman slightly
masculine; and the twain in one, the
dual individuality, is the perfection of
humanity, physically and mentally
But l must stop this strain, or 1 shall
be rejected for prosineSs, and be invited
for my brilliance and perspicacity to
lecture before ambitious lyceums "On
the Functions of the Unintelligible."


JOHN Smith likes practical jokes. I
don't think that l do, especially when
Pm the victim. My marriage was the
result of practical joke, or long series
of jokes, by John Smith. 1t was not
that he had any such definite idea of
our marriage fixed in his mind, but
that he Systematically misrepresented
me to her, and her to me. Now, though
l have no complaint to make of my
wife, and have not the slightest wish
that could be unmarried again, I still
rebel, in thought, at the mode in which
the marriage, designedly or undesign-
edly, was brought about.


Bessie Smith used to say, before her
individuality was merged in mine, that
she was very glad her brother had Sc
cured so safe a friend as 1 was. She
had great confidence in my honor, my
sobriety and intelligence; and admired
my refinement, my correct tastes, and
good habits. She did not deliver all
this i'm so many words, or at one time !;
but rather limited than spoke plain, ra-
ther acted than spake at all, and never
did either directly to me. But she was
evidently pleased, entirely on her bro
theirs account, that he had fallen into
such good hands. And so was her mo-
ther; and more than pleased. ,E -


And herein lay the practical Joke !;
though to-day I cannot see the fun of
it. John Smith, for reasons of his own,
manufactured for his own household q
highly exalted opinion of me. Young
men who will go out every evening of
their lives, must find an excuse. And
l was John Smiths excuse. He rep
resented me as a model in manners
and a Mentor in companiOnship and
his dear mother (now mine by mar
riage) thought he was entirely secure
and untempted in my society.


So, indeed, he would have been. But
justice to myself requires that should
say that John Smith was not always
with me when he was out of the sight
of his feminine relatives. / confess to
some companionship with him in his
frolics, but not to participation in all.
Bessie, before our marriage, thought me
perfection itself. May she continue in
the same opinion! If that graceless
rogue, her brother, does not betray me,
she will remain satisfied of my unsul-
sled moral excellence. Bygones must
be bygones. HencefOrth, "till death
do us part" (my wife and me, / am, I
repeat, a model man. John Smith
must find a new crony in his sky-lark-
ing propensities. And he must, too,
maintain a reasonably good character,
or l shall be suspected; unless, indeed,
can make my wife believe that my
love for her so engrosses me that 1
cannot give myself to the guardianship
of her brother any longer. and that the
removal of the restraint of my presence
leaves him to go astray. Mem: To
stick a pin here. 1t will be a good
Il To1 ~ nd
may be useful on occasions when L
want an evenings liberty


have latch-key. / bought it with
the house, which contains all modern
improvements But Bessie always had
habit of waiting up for her brother
John; and, I am sorry to say, retains
it with her husband William. 1t is a
great restraint on the liberty of the sub
ject. suppose that it cannot be help
ed. You cannot quarrel with your wife
for her affection, inconvenient though
that affection be. The only .comprO-
mise is to take your wife with you,
when you srend an evening out. But
she is not good at billiards, and does
not fancy game suppers. So must
submit tn her watching, and report
myself on my return for an affectionate
review and Inspection. Her eye were
enough, if she would be satisfied with
seeing. But the scrutiny is not cOnfin-
ed to sight. She must not only look,
but taste. She will persist in kissing
me welcome. All the famous nostrums
to sweeten the breath are so many
forms of confession, and 1 have given
them up. rrG tt'


The standard amusement of John
Smith is teasing me. He expects some
day to bring out development which
will tease my wife. He induced Bes-
sic to believe, before we were married,
that he could not live without me-
Why, then, cannot he drop i'm at our
house now, in a pleasant, social way
And when he is here to tea, why can
not he wait the evening after, when
Bessie offers him the freedom of the
dining-roem to smoke his cigar in?
Why cannot the man blow cloud
with me sometimes in our quiet home
1t would so remove complications
Now, / am afraid his bachelor antics
will one day spoil all! Such awful ro-
mancing as he used to indulge in re-
specting himself and me; about me
especially, making my poor self such a
model that am living under a lie eve
ry day; and he, the william, enjoying
it s.,..--.


He makes me feel as if / dwelt OH the
crust of a volcano, and might expect,
any hour, terrific explosion. He is
full of oblique hints and dark inuen-
does when Bessie is i'm hearing, as if he
could tell something, but spares me for
her sake. And when we are alone he