Year: 1876

now nE WAS INDUCED TO RUN
FOR OFFICE.


Ana what nefel Him In the Venture.
MAX Adler In the Philadelphia Bulletin.)
It was lust after the fall election that
we met him. His name was not Stretch.
but will SO designate him. He poured
the sorrowful story in the ear Of an at


tentive and sympathetic listener:


"No, sir; IN never run for office
when they came and asked me II I'd
accept the nomination In the Legisla-
ture they told me that the whole com


munity wanted me to run and that


was certain to he elected because /! was


q man whose character was 80 good that


30 myself, and / agreed to run, and 40


cordingly they nominated me. Well


sir. the next morning the Argus cams


out with an assertion that had been


detected In stealing chickens. and It


gave q full history Of the case, together


with pictures OF the chickens. and after


darkly limiting that since abandoning


chicken stealing had been continually y


engaged in other forms OF robbery, 1t


asked II the people OF this State wanted


to see q chicken thief making laws for


them. And the mischief OF II was that


/ did hook q couple OF chickens from


my grandnother's coop when ! was a


small boy, but how'n the thunder they
ever found It out beats me. 1t was flfty-


two years ago.


"Now, look at my nosei II ANT much


OF nose for beauty. Is it7 / know we'll
enough that it's crooked. But nobody
ever alluded to IL until was nominated.
and then the Argus said that there was
a tradition that / had the nose mashed
around sideways during my career az a
prize fighter, although some people In
sisted that had run Is hard against the
door wh.ie / was drunk. And then all
the illustrated papers in the State began
to publish pictures Of me with nose
like the jib-sheet Of an oyster sloop,
only twisted around sideways; and one
OF thom said that when l sneezed on
the front porch the concuesiOn acted
like . boomerang and blew the back
door open.


''And then they tackled me about my
war record. You know was out with
the militia. And the Argus published
ing the battle OF Gettysburg / was hid
Ia q refrigerator In a cellar In the town,
pretending that was ordered there to
mount guard over some rations OF cold
beef. And the Argus asserted that the
only maneuvre was ever good at was
falling back; that whenever the enemy
was expected to be approaching always
made q bee-line for Novta Scotia, and
never turned up until after the fight but
once, and then we were surprised, and
fired my musket 80 wildly that l shot
my Cwn colonel in the leg and surren-
dered to an Irishman who belonged to
our regiment, and who came up to me
TO borrow a plug OF tobacco. To tell
the truth wasn't much OF q fighting
man, but how In the mischief they found
out about that refrigerator gets me.
Awful, isn't It? ! wouldn have minded
It % much only they got up a poster
and stuck 1t around the streets and
headed II 'Stretch's War Record, and
put on It a picture OF me with mon
strcns Top sided nose sitting inside that
refrigerator gnawing at bone out Of
the roast beef.


And then, as the campaign went
along, they accused me OF having the
dellrium trcmens, Of beating my wife,
OF Wi,lAx my nose on my sleeve, or
robbins q bank. Of selling my dead aunt
to q medical college, and OF holding the
doctrine that the whale didn't swallow
Jonah, and that when Moses crossed
Vu6 xttu OCtb uo Jdutlltu OttI Ill II DOAv
The Argus said that IL my wife dared to
tell how I treated her the community
would be filled with horror, but any.
body might see for themselves who
would notice that her back hair was all
thiDned out. And it said that had a
wen on my leg that untitled ue for
active duty anyhow, even ii / had not
forfeited all claim to public confidence
by turning my grandfather out Of doors
when he was dying of consumption, and
then setting my dog on him and making
the aged man roost in a mulberry tree
on the coldest night last winter for fear
Of being eaten up.


People began to avoid me on the
street. The general impression pre-
vailed that was a desperate and har-
dened villain. / might have stood that,
but you know the way they levied on me
brass band. ] kept that band in luxury
Tor three months, aud 1t used to come
around and serenade me three nights in
the week and wake up the babies IL, the
neiRhborhuod. lost 200 votes in con
sequence OF those wakened babies. Then
the club would come and call me out for
speech, and when l would get through
would have to ask them into a feed. |
and they would stay there and howl un,
i'll four o'clock In fhe morning, and get
trunk and fight and smash the lurniture
and bleed over the carpets. Then they |
would assess me for u mass meeting and |
ldjourn. | handed out cash for posters
ma rum and brass bands and barbecues.
md fireworks and torchlight professions
lnd transparencies and for flags, and
he A''gns all the time accusing me or
'uying up votes and having repeaters in
ny pay.


The night Of the election the brass
'and and the club came around to con-
'ratulate me on my success, and after
lavlng final spree and concluding
lot in the parlor, went to bed, glad
lad won anyhow. The first thing saw
the Argus in the morning was the
that the hoary headed
hicken stealer had been beaten by 1000
naPrity, and would have to keep his
ccentrlc nose at home and spend his
lme rejecting that a free people would
ever elect to. a responsible Office man
mo would tree his consumptive grand
ather and traffic In the remains Of his
nDf No that 1nto L.. |