Year: 1876




we will so designate him. He poured this
sorrowful story in the ear of an attentive
anc sympathetic listener


''NO, sir, III never run for office arain -
said Mr.. Stretch. sYou know when thew
came and asked me if I'd accent the nomipa.
ton to the Legislature they told me that the
whole community wanted me run. and that
was certain to be elected because | was a
man whose character was so good that no
oouy could Ind fault with it. | thought 50
myself, and agreed to run, and accordingly
they nominated me. Well, sir, the NEXT
morning the Argus came out with an asser-
ton that had been detected in stealing
chlckens, and 1t gave full history of the
case, together with pictures Of the chickens.
ana after darkly limiting that since abandon
ing chicken stealing had been continually
engaged IN other forms Of robbery, it asked
II the people of this State wanted 10 see A
chicken thief making laws for them. And
Tue mischief OF It was that did hook a
couple OF chickens from nv grandmother
coop when was small boy, but how n the
thunder they ever found it out beats me,
IL was hlty-two years ago.


Now look at my nose 1t am t much Of
a nose for beauty, is it know well enough
that 1t crooked. But nobody ever alluded
10 1t until was nominated, and then the
Argus SAID that there was a tradition that |
had the nose mashed around sideways during
my career as prize-fghter, although some
people insisted that had run it against q
door while | was drunk And then all the
Illustrated papers in the State began to pub
Ilsh pictures Of me with nose like the lib
sheet OF an oyster sloop, only twisted around
sideways and one of them said that when
sn tzed on the front porch the conclusion
acted like boomerang and blew the back
door open.


And then they tackled ne about my war
record. lou know | was out with the
militia And the Argus published letter
IRON man who said that during the battle of
Gettysburg was hid in a efiigerator in
cellar IN the town, pretending that | was
ordered there to mount guard over some IA
tons OF cold beef. And the Argus asserted
that the only manguyre | was ever GOOD at
was falling back that whenever the enemy
was expected to be approaching always
made bee-linc Tor Noyia Scotia, and never
turned up till after the fight but once, and
then We were surprised, and | fired my mus
ket 50 wildly that shot our own colonel in
the leg and surrendered to an Irishman be-
longing to our regiment, who came up
To 'ne to borrow plug Of tobacco. To tell
the truth, | wasn't much of fighting man,
but how in mischief they found out about
that refrigerator gets me Awful, ism it p
l wouldn't have minded it SO much. only
they got up poster and stuck around the
streets, and headed it, 'Stretch's War Re
cord, and putt on a picture Of me with
lnonstTouS lop-sided nose sitting inside that
refrigerator gnawinE at a bone out Of the
r0ast-beef


And then, as the campaign went along,
they accused me Of having delirium tremens,
OF beating my wife, Of wipng my nose on my
sleeve, OF robbing a bank, OF selling my dead
aunt TO medical college, and of holding
the doctrine that the whale ddn t swallow
Jonah, and that when Moses crossed the
Red Sea he padded over in boat. The
Argus said that if my wife dared to tell how
treated her the community would be filed
with horror, but anybody might see for
themselves who would notice that her back
hair was all thinnei ont. And it said that
had wen on nv leg that untitled me for
active duty anyhow, even if had not for
teIted all claim 10 public confidence by turn
Ing my grandfather out OF doors when he
dying of consumption, and then setting my
dog on him and making the aged man roost
in mulberry tree on the coldest night last
winter Tor fear Of being eaten up.


People began II avoid me on the street.
The general impression prevailed that I was
desperate and hardeEed villain. | might
have stood that, but YOU know the way they
levied on me for expenses was awful. There
was that brass band. | kept that band in
luxury for three months and II used 10
come around and sercnade me three nights
in the week and wake all the babies in the
neighborhO0d. | lost two hundred votes in
consequence Of those wakened babies. Then
the clubs would come and call me out for
speech, and when | would get through |
would have to ask them in to a feed, and
| they would stay there and howl until four
O'Clock in the morning, and get drunk. and
| fight, and smash the furniture, and bleed
over the carpets Then they would assess
me for mass meeting and adjourn. |
handed out cash for posters. and rum. and
brass bands, and barbecues, and fire works,
and torchlight professions, and transpar-
encies, and for flags, and the Argus all the
/ time accusing me OF buying up votes and
| having repeaters in ply pay.


The night of the election the brass band
and the club came around to congratulate
me on my success, and after having final
| spree and concluding riot in the parlor
went to bed glad had won anyhow. The first
thing | saw in the Argus in the morning
was the announcement that the hoary-head
ed chicken stealer had been beaten by 20OO
majority, and would have to keep his eecen-
tric nose at home and spend his time in re-
tlccting that a free people would never elect
to a responsible office a man who would tree
his consumptiye grandfather and traffic in
| the remains Of his aunt So that lets me
out in politics When run for Office again,
you chuck me right into an insane asylum. -