Year: 1876

Mark Twain.


HOW HE EDITED AN AGRICULTURAL PAPER.


From Sketches OF Mark Twain"


did not take the temporary editorship OIL
an agricultural paper without misgivings
Neither would landsman take command o.
OF a ship without misgivings. But wa:
IN circumstances that made the salary an OBJ
Ject- The regular editor of the paper was
gong oil for holiday, and accepted the
the terms he offered and took his place.


The sensation Of being at work again was
luxurious, and | wrought all the week with
unhagging pleasure We went to press, and
l waited day, with some solicitude, to see
whether my effort was going to attract any
notice. As left the office, toward sun
down, group Of men and BOYS at the foot
OF the stairs dispersed with one impulse, and
gave me passageway, and | heard one Of
them say That's him - [ was naturally
pleased by this incident. The next morn
ing found similar group at the foot of the
stairs, scattering couples and individuals
standing here and there in the street, and
over the way, watching me with interest.


The group separated and fell back as ap-
preached and heard man say "Look at
hls eye :" | pretended not to observe the
notice | was attracting, but secretly was
pleased with it, and was purposing to write
an account Of it to my aunt. | went up the
short flight of stairs and heard cheery voices
and ringing laugh as | drew near the door.
which opened, and caught glimpse of two
young rural-loOking men whose faces blanch-
ed and heightened when they saw me, and
then they both plunged through the window
a /


In about half an hour an old gentleman.
with howlng beard and a fine but rather
austere face, entered and sat down at nv
invitation. He seemed to have something
on his mind. He took of his hat and set il on
the hoor, and got out Of it red silk hand
kerchlef, and copy Of our paper.


lie put the paper in his lap. and, while
he polished his spectacles with his handker-
chief ne said, "Are you the new editor ~


| said | was.


Have you ever edited an agricultural
paper before?"


No. said |, "this is my first attempt. ~


Very likely. Have you had any exper-
ience in agriculture practically -


NO; | believe have not


some instinct told me So. said the old
gentleman putting on his spectacles and
looking over them with asperity, while he
folded his paper into convenient shape. II
wish to read what must have made me have
that instinct. 1t was this editorial. Listen
and see II 1t was YOU that wrote it


'Iurnlps should never be pulled it in
Jures them. 1t is much better to send boy
up and let him shake the tree"


Now, what do you think of that for |
really suppose you wrote it,


Think of it? Why, | think it Is good.
l think 1t Is sense. | have no doubt that
every year millions and millions of bushels
OF turnips are spoiled in this township alone
by being pulled in half ripe condition, when
IT they had sent boy up to shake the tree


"Shake your grandmother Turnips don t
grow on trees ~


"Oh they don't, don't they 2? Well, who
said they did The language was intended
to be fguratiye, wholly fgurative. Any
body that knows anything will know that 1
meant that the boy should shake the vine -


Then this old person got up and tore his
| paper all into small shreds, and stamped on
them, and broke several things with his cane,
and said did not know as much as a cow /.
and then went out and banged the door af-
| ter him, and, in short, acted in such way
that fancied he was displeased about some
thing. But, not knowing what the trouble
was, | could not be any help to him.


Pretty soon after this a long cadaverOus
creature, with lanky locks hanging down to
his shoulders and weeks stubble bristling
from the hills and valleys of his face, darted
within the door, and halted motionless, with
finger on lip, and head and body bent in
listening attitude. No sound was heard.
Still he listened No sound Then he turn
! ed the key in the door, and came elaborate
! ly tiptoeing toward me till he was within
| long reaching distance of me, when he stop
ped, and after scanning my face with intense
interest awhile, drew folded copy Of our
paper from his bosom and said


There, YOU wrote that. Read it TO me
quick. Relieve me | suffer"


| read as follows, and as the sentences
fell from my liIs could see the relief come.
| could see the drawn muscles relax, and the
anxiety 90 out Of the face, and rest and
peace steal over the features like the 1aerci-
ful moonlight over desolate landscape;


The guano is a fine bird but great care
Is necessary in rearing it. 1t should not be
imported earlier than June or later than
September. In the winter it should be kept
in a warm place, where it can hatch out it.
young.


alt is evident that we are to have back
ward season for grain. Therefore, it will
be well for the farmer to begin setting out
his cornstalks, and planting his buckwheat
cakes in July instead Of August.


Concerning the pumpkin. This berry i:
favOrite with the natives Of the interior
of New England, who prefer it 10 the goose
berry for the making Of fruit cake, and whC
likewise give it the preference over the rasp
berry for feeding cows, as being more filling
and fully as satisfying. The pumpkin is the
only esculent of the orange family that vii
thrive in the North, except the gourd anC
one or two varieties of the squash. But th'
custom of planting it in the front yard witt
the shrubbery is fast going out of vogue, fol
it is now generally conceded that the pump
kin as a a shade tree is failure.


"Now, as the warm weather approaches
and the ganders begin to spawn


The excited listener sprang toward me t
shake hands and said


There, there-that will do. know
am all right now because you have read i
lust as did, word for word But, stranger
when first read it this morning, said Il
myself, | never, never believed II before
notwithstanding my friends kept me unde
watch so strict. but now | believe | an
crazy and with that fetched howl tina
You might have heard two miles, and startet
out to kill somebody, because, you know,
knew it would come to that sooner or later
and so | might as well begin. ! read one o
them paragraphs over again so as to be Ger
tain, and then burned my house down ant
started. | have crippled several people, an'
have got one fellow up tree, where cal
get him if | want him. But thought tha
would call in here as | passed along AMI
make the thing perfectly certain and nov
it as certain, and tell you it is lucky for tn
chap that is in the tree. should have kill
ed him, sure as | went back. Good-by, sir
gocd-by you have taken a great load off m,
mind Ny reason has stood the strain o
one of your agricultural articles, and | know
that nothing can ever unseat it now. Good
By, sir


felt a little uncomfortable about tn
cripplings and arson this person had bee
entertaining himself with, for | could no
help feeling remotely accessory to them
But these thoughts were quickly banished TO
tho regular editor walked IN II tnOugn
to myself, now, if you had gone to Egypt
as | had recommended you to, might hav
had chance to get my hand in, but 20
would MT do it. and here you are sort
: expected you.)


The editor was looking sad, and perple1
! ed, and detected.
lie surveyed the wreck which that ol
rioter and these two young farmers had mad
: and then said This is a sad business =
E a very sad business There is the mucilag
e bottle broken, and six panes of glass, and
: spittoon, and two candiesticks. But that
e not the worst The reputation OF the pape
is injured-permanently, fear. Tru'
0 there never was such call for the papt
d before, and it never sold such large editio
t or scared to such celebrity; but does on
Y want to be famous for lunacy, and prospt