Year: 1870

whatever age or nationality, / launcl


the curse of bachelordom!


Because:


They always put the pillows a


the opposite end of the bed from
the gas burner, so that while yol
read and smoke before sleeping


as is the ancient and honored custom
of bachelors-you have to hold YOU
> book aloft, in an uncomfortable DO


sition, to keep the light from daz
zling your eyes.


When they find the pillow remov


ed to the other end of the bed in the
morning, they receive not the sug
gestion in a friendly spirit, but glo


rifying in their absolute sovereignty
and IMPLYING your helplessness


they make the bed just as it was


originally, and gloat in secret ovel


the pang their tyranny will cause
lyou.


| Always after that, when they find
you have transported the pillows,
they undo your work, and thus defy
you and seek to embitter the life
that God hath given you.


If they cannot get the light in an
inconvenient position any other way,
they move the bed. .'
! If you pull your trunk out six in
ches from the wall, so that the lid
will stay up when you open it, they
always.shove that trunk back again.
They do it on purpose.


If you want spittoon in a certain
spot where it will be handy, they
don't. And SO they move it.


They always put your boots into
inaccessible places. They chiefly
enjoy depositing them as far under
the bed as the wall will permit. 1t
is because this compels you to get
down in an undignified attitude, and
make wild sweeps for them in the
dark with the boot,jack, and swear.


They always put the matchbox
in some other place. They hunt up
new place for it every day, and
put a bottle, or other perishable
glass things, where the box stood
before. This is to cause you to
break that glass thing, cropping in
the dark, and get yourself into
trouble. ---


They are forever and ever moving
the furniture. When you come in,
in the night, You can calculate on
finding the bureau where the ward
robe was in the morning. And
when you go out in the morning, if
you leave the slop-bucket by the
door, and the rocking-chair by the
window, you will fall over the
rocking-chair, and you will proceed
to the window and sit down in the
slop-bucket. This will disgust you.
They like that.


No matter where you put any
thing, they are not going to let it
stay there. They will take it and
move it the first chance they get.


1t is their nature. And besides it
gives them pleasure to be mean and
contrary.


They always save up all the old
scraps of printed rubbish you throw
on the floor, and stack them up
carefully on the table, and then start
the fire with your valuable manu-
scripts. If there is any one partic-
ular old scrap, that you are more
down on than any other, and which
you gradually wear your life out try
ing to get rid of, you may take all
the pains you possibly can in that
direction, but it won't be of any
use, because they will always bring
the old scrap back, and put it in the
same old place again every time. 1t
does them good.


And they use more hair oil than
any six men. If charged with pur-
loining the same, they lie about it.
What do they care about a hereaf-
ter? Absolutely nothing.


If you leave your key in the door
for convenience sake, they will car
ry it down to the office, and give it
to the clerk. They do this under
the vile pretense of trying to protect
your property from thieves, but act
ually, they do it because they want
you to tramp down stairs after it
when you come in tired, or put you
to the trouble of sending g Ia waiter
after it, which waiter will expect you
to pay him something. In which
case I suppose the degraded crea-
lures divide.


They keep always coming to make
your bed before you get up, thus de-
your rest and infiicting ag-
ony on you, but after you get up
they don't come again till the next
day.


They do all the mean things they
can think of, and they do them out
of pure cussedness, and nothing else.


Chamberrnaids are dead to every
human instinct.


l have cursed them in behalf of
outraged bachelordom. They de-
serve it. If l can get bill through
the Legislature abolishing chamber
maids, l mean to do it.-MarE :
Train,