Year: 1872




Never put OFF till tomorrow what you can dc
the day after tomorrow Just as swell.-B. F,


This party was one of those persons
whom they call philosophers. He was
born twins, being born simultaneously
in two different houses in the city OF
Boston. These houses remain unto this
day, and have signs upon them worded
in accordance with the facts. The signs
are cosidered well enough to have,
though not necessary, because the inhab-
itants point out the two birthplaces to
the stranger anyhow, and sometimes as
often as several times in the same day.
The subject of this memoir was of a
vicious disposition, and early prostituted
his talents to the invention of maxims
and aphOrisms calculated to inflict suf-
1ering upon the rising generation of all
subsequent ages. His simplest acts,
also, were cOntrived with a view to their
being held up for the emulation of boys
forever-boys who might otherwise have
been happy. 1t was in this spirit that
he became the son of soap-bOiler, and,
probably, for 20 other reason than that
the efforts of all future boys who try to
be anything might be looked upon with
suspicion unless they were the sons of
sOap-bOilers. With a malevolence which
is without parallel in history he would
work all day, and then sit up nights,
and let on to be studying algebra by the
light of a smoulderig fire so that all the
boys might have to do that also, or else
have Benjamin Franklin thrown upon
them. Not satisfied with these proceed
ings, he had fashion ofliving wholly on
bread and water, and studying astrOno-
my at meal-time-a thing which has
brought affiictiOn to millions of bows
since, whose fathers had read franklin Is
pernicious biography.


His maxims were full of animosity
toward boys. Nowadays a boy cannot
follow out single natural instinct with
out tumbling over some of those ever
lasting aphOrisms, and hearing from
Franklin on the spot. If he buys two
cents worth of peanuts, his father says,
1" Remember what Franklin has said,
my son-'A great day is penny a
year," and the comfort is all gone out
of those peanuts. If he wants to spin
his top when he is done work, his father
quotes, "Procrastination is the theft of
time.n If he does viTtuous action, he
never gets any thing for it, because
"virtue is its own reward And that
boy is bounded to death, and robbed of
his natural rest, because franklin said
once in one of his inspired flights of
malignity-


Early to bed and early to rise,


Make man healthy, wealthy and wise"


AS if were any object to boy to be
healthy, and wealthy, and wise, on such
terms. The sorrow that maxim has
cost me, through my parents experiment
ting me with it, tongue can not tell.
The legitimate result is my present state
of general debility, indigence, and men,
tai alteration. Ny parents used to have
me up before nine O'clock in the morn
ing, sometimes, when | was boy. If
they had let me take my natural rest,
where would have been now Keeping
store, no doubt, and respected by all.


And what an adroit old adventurer
the subject of this memoir was! In
order to get chance to fly his kite on
Sunday, he used to hang key on the
string, and let on to be fishing by light
ming, and a guileless public would go
home chirping about the "wisdOm" and
the genius of the hoary Sabbath
breaker. He invented stove that would
smoke your head off in five hours by the
clock


He was always proud of telling how he
entered Hhiladelphia for tbe first time
with nothing in the world but two shil-
lings in his pocket and four rolls of bread
under his arm. But really, when you
come to examine it critically, it was
nothing. Any body could have done
it,


Benjamin Franklin did great many
notable things for his country, and made
her Young name to be honored in many
lands as the mother of such son. 1t
is not the idea of this memoir to ignore
that or cover it up. No; the simple
idea of it is to snub those pretentious
maxims of his, which he worked up
with great show of originality out of
truisms that had become wearisome
platitudes as early as the dispersion
from Babel, and also to snub his store
and his military inspirations, his un-
seemly endeavor to make himself con-
spicnOus when he entered Philadelphia,
and his flying his kite, and fooling away
his time in all sorts Of sucn ways, when