Year: 1870

BY JEHIAL SLAB.


IF YOU are man and desire to peram.
bulate this mundane sphere on railroad


1st. Secure large cotton umbrella.
I'd. Get hand trunk about the size OF
a common mail bag, and fill it with shirts,
stockings, collars, patent office reports,
campaign documents, old letters, and other
articles handy to have on such journey.


3D.. AS the train approaches, quietly
place the half Of five cent paper OF
tobacco in your mouth, and then rapidly
make a break for the ladies' car, so as to
get good seat, you know
| 1t the brakeman makes break for you,
and mods significantly at the next
car forward, say you can't "stand tobacco
smoke" and then crowd vigorously by
him without delay. If you stop to handy
words with the sooty STRIPPING, no doubt
he will tell you next that "they don't
smoke in that car" He is nothing but q
railroad myrmidon anyhow.
4th Take the middle of the coach. 1t
don't jolt a fellow there near so much as
1t does over the wheels Place your bag
gage on one seat, and yourself on another,
IT you can find two vacant near together.


Get as close as possible to the best
dressed ladies in the car.


Then take out paper or book and read,
or go to figuring on the advantages OF
plenty of brass and cheek, or looking out
of the window-anything to absorb your
attention and keep your mind occupied
while the ladies who have followed you
are getting seats over the wheels, by the
hot stove, next to rough, vulgar, swearing,
lOuts of the community, &c.
5th. Whenever the train approaches a
station, have your mind intensely pre-
occupied as before


If lady comes along and has no other
place TO sit, (mind you, no Other,) let her
wedge in between your mail bag and the
end of the seat, or else hitch along little,
glance Significantly at the nasty yellow
puddle on the floor at your feet, and say
very blandly-


"This seat is vacant, Madam"


Quite likely, after one look at the filthy
condition Of the floor, Madam will very
gratefully accept it Still she may not.
No accounting for a woman's whims, you
know.


Ii she don't, and one of these disagree
able male travellers comes along and asks
i'll kind of half fearful, gentlemanly, in
offensive tone if "that seat by your side
is occupied widen out over it, and an
swer Yes! with such decided emphasis
that he will involuntarily reach his hand
Up to see if the head is still left en- his
shoulders.


There are so many impcrtinent life in
Surance bOres on the tramp now DAYS that
you may be pardoned for speaking sharp
TO a traveller now and then. Who knows,
indeed, but that the man you have just
addressed may be one of these same t1ou-
blesoine vagabonds?


9th. Go just as long as you can without
eating. 1t saves your money and saves
your seat.


When you find you can't safely starve
any more, quietly place the umbrella on
your seat, and get over into the place
where your other baggage is, just long
enough TO spit all over the floor there.


Then speedily advance" on the eating
works, get your hands as quickly as posi-
bic on everything about you, and climb
up in your chair and reach for everything
near your neighbors. Scald your mouth
ard throat with hot coffee, swallow like
a hen eating gravel stones, and choke till
your eyes stand out like two old fashion
ed bulls eye watches.


7th Perhaps some fat, ill.mannered
woman, with half dozen white headed,
dirty faced young ones, all perfectly
used to tobacco and puddle bars, has
jumped your claim in your absence.
Go for the pile with an expression on
your features like you were just ready to
eat the youngest, and they will scatter
fast enough, tell you.


You needn't utter q word. You can
put an expression on your countenance
amply sufficient to answer for the most
active distribution of that little brood, if
you are anything at all at making up
facial angles.


Sth. This railroad travelling, where the
urbanities and amenities of life 80 often
get slightly mixed, finds cOunterparts all
through life, in its highest as well as in its
lowest grades.


Your politician climbs into place over
his fellows, like a pig trying to find the
middle of warm nest on a cold night in
January-bound to go in himself no mat
ter who goes down under him.


Your business man gets hold Of his
good, fat bargains and covers them more
carefully and seltishly than an old sitting
hen does her eggs.


Your manufacturer reaches an inside
track in some way and monopolizes trade.


Your successful professional man stands
like big cross bulldog in the way, and
grOwls and shows his teeth at all who dare
to try and rival him.


A rough and tumble sort of world this is,
where the little potatoes in the old wagon
box are pretty sure to get shook to the
bottom any way we can fix it. 1t is a
gross, materialistic standard, where weight
and cheek win, but, as the world wags to-
day, a very natural one.


am sorry for it but, until this stand
ard Of society changes, really fear shall
never have the moral courage to introduce
any innovations of consequence into the
advice to railroad travellers above given
Neoo York Express.