Year: 1872


He WILL CANDIDATE FOR PR Es1DESr.
! The hour has arrived can hesitate no
longer. The highest interests of the nation
demand that present myself as q candidate
for President of the United States I have
waited for some one else to bring me out, but
| in the multitude of candidates no one seems to
have thought of me. And don't think very
much of myself; but a man don't want to
think much of himself to be a candidate for
President nowadays. If he had any self re.
gard atthe outset he would think very little
of himself by the time he got through with the
campaign


am one of the people, might say, one of
the boys came up from obscurity, and I
have brought up good deal of obscurity with
me. l never had any politics-or much else.
| am Liberal" to fault, and ready to re-
ceiye votes from any quarter, although am
not ready to give quarters for any votes.
AS for platform, suit yourselves, gentlemen.
The lecture platform would probably suit me
as we'll as any other. Having stood upon every
platform in the West it would be hard for you
to get up one that | could not stand on. In
the absence of platform. give me four aces,
and I'll "stand" on that


am special friend of the laboring man.
No OEe likes to see a man work better than |
do In fact, l had rather see man work than
work myself / am not only averse to work
ing more than eight hours, but am opposed to
working single hour! shant even work for
my election. leaving that for the men who
want the Offices.


am in favor of paying the national debt
1t is in fact the only debt am in favor of pay
ing And rather than not see it paid during my
administration, will pay it out of my own
pocket.


In the matter of civil service reform I in
tend to do the civil thing by the nation if the
nation does the fair thing by me. Being civil
is so rare condition nowadays in the varied
walks of life Ito say nothing about the runs)
that reform is urgently called for.


Retrenchment is my motte If you can't
put a retrenchment plank in the platform put
in board. am ready to work without any
salary, but shall insist upon my beard.


/ am rather inclined to free trade, prefer
ring to feel free to trade wherever / please,
but if tariff plank is necessary TO my election,
put it in. l shall not get on a tariff I amt
elected


Pledge me as strong as you please to the
temperance men. The temperance pledge
won't hurt me one bit.


No relative shall hold office, no matter whose
relation he may be. / shall appoint none but
old bachelors, childless widows. and orphans.
Any man who has relation in the world need
not apply for an Office under my administration.
have few relatives of my own holding Office
now, but they shall be promptly kicked out as
soon as am elected. One brOtherin-law has
a little coal office on the river. He must give
it up. A third cousin On my neighbours side
drinks too much occasionally, and gets office
foot. ! shall give him notice to quit. Another
relation has hankering after George Ellis
"Office." 1t won't do him any good. You see
/ am determined to reduce the "relative" ex-
penses of the Government.


/ engage not to accept any gift unless 1t be
the highest office in the gift of the people. If
am ever called "our present Chief Magis.
trate," it won't be chief magistrate of pres
ents. Not being man of commanding pres.
ence, anyhow, there would probably be few
presents that could command. What few
natural gifts may have, however, shall en-
deavor to retain. They are not worth making
q fuss about.


am not only in favor of woman's rights,
but of wcman's rights and lefts. am in favor
of women voting, provided they vote for me.
see no reason why woman should not hold
Office, except. perhaps, the difficulty of getting
hold of it. Nor should there be any bar to
woman saccumulating property and supporting
the family if she wants to.


/ may be asked how would treat the In.
dians. l wouldn't "treat" them at oil. They
have been treated too much and too often.
My private opinion, however, is that it will be
a treat when there isn't an Injun left


stand by the old Constitution that has been
tried. Few men have tried their constitutions
more than I have tried mine. / accept the
every one of them. When it
comes to amends, am ready to shout" amen"
as loud as anybody.


l understand there is an ambitious man
named George Francis train who aspires to be
President on his promise to free ireland. I
engage not only to free ireland, but to make
Irish whiskey free in the bargain. shall at
least be able to tie George Francis in the pop
uIar vote. unless one or the other of US is kept
away from the polls. Hang it, believe I
could tie the Davenport brothers.


shall inaugurate wholesale emancipation
business as soon as l am inaugurated. No
goods retaied at the White House when am
President. engage to emancipate women
rom the thraldom of fashion, to give the "boys"
heir rights and to abolish the custom which
excludes children in arms from the elevating
md purifying influences of the theatre. have
pledged myself to free ireland and to free
postage; to free housekeepers from the tyranny
# servant girls; free pews, free passes and
reebo0ters. To free soil, to free tickets to
hows, free drinks, free press and ~. n"
Free. trust | am not making myself too
rec. FAT CONTRIBUTOR.


IF good people would but make goodness