Year: 1866

ills OF life with patience bordering on stoiclsm.
| can have a tooth pulled by a clumsy dentist
without distorting muscle can swallow all
the prescriptions the doctor may order without
making wry tace-yea, can smell musk and
imagine it to be otto Of roses. Yet, with all
my bearing and forbearing, cannot permit any
body to meddle with my hair-which, in my
early days was my pride and the pride of my
doting mother. 1t was thick and curly-the
envy of the boys and the admiration of the
girls As | progressed toward manhood, this
splendid feature claimed my sole attention, even
to the marked neglect of my other personal
qualities. As age crept upon me, little silyery
interlopers might be seen struggling for the
out the original dark brown curls that were the
rightful possessors of the soil; just as the colo
nists of this once great country did the aborig
ines The result was, after long fight, a
highly becoming sttce'3-grey, at once suitable
to my years and demanding the respect of the
younger grade of God S creatures,


My wife, who is much younger than myself,
Influenced by the best of feelings in the world,
strongly objected to the encroachment Of these
gray and silent monitors. She would have the
disparity of years annihiated-she would have
me look as young as herseH-in fact, she urged
that | should cheat time and rejuvenate Like
good and yielding husband agreed to ton
sorial operation by which the grey interlopers
might be exterminated.


People talked a great deal about Bachelors s
Premium Hair Dye'-a wonderful compound,
the effect of which was instantaneous, and
which with telegraphic speed took off twenty
years Of man S life-that is, in appearance.
paid one dollar for the miraculous restorative.
and-presto l-.jacta est alcd, in plain English,
the die is cast'' After undergoing severe
scrubbing with soap and water, which opera
ton reduced the pericranium to the thickness
Of tissue paper, the first liquid was applied and
causing burning sensation which came near
upsetting all my boasted fortitude. The direc-
tions said This is necessary, and to insure
it, go over the hair again. The time and
trouble is well spent" So. to insure success,
the torture was repeated. Then came an excru-
cating rub with clean cloth. This done, fluid
No. 2 was applied in the same manner as No.
l. The smell was most execrable and I had
to press my nostrls while the dark LIQUID was
forced into every pore of the skin. To insure
brilliant black" third compound was applied
which fairly out-did No. in the strength of its
aroma


Thus doctored I sought my bed, and under
the narcotic influence of the various mixtures,
slept soundy The woodworking discovery
of the alchymist displayed its potency the next
morning. My head resembled globe of the
world the various regions distinguished from
each other by colors-or, to use a more apt
comparison, it was likened to one of our neigh
boring mountains after severe frost. All the
hues of the rainbow were there in their full
glory Talk. about the leopard changing his
spots! His hide was no circumstance to my
unfortunate head. And the soft, curly hair
too! Why, sir, leach particular hair became
as dead as julius Caesar, and any jury of in
quest would have rendered verdict OF murder
in the first degree against William A Batche
lor


How to get my hair back again to its original
color now became the mooted question In my
domestic circle. A learned NJ. d was consult
ed. He saw no remedy except that should
become ''all shaven and shorn, like the priest
that married the maiden all forlorn to the man
all tattered and torn. - | could not agree to
this for my spiral tresses were held in too great
an estimation by their venerated owner
"Young's Hair Tonic was then recommended
it could ''restore the color of the hair. /" An
other dollar-and another failure ''Twlggs'
Hair Dye AYE, that was the thing. The vet
eran soldier had proved its efficacy-it never
failed. It was applied-result, no go Then
SdHiO 1IdH fCSCtdUio IIdIl AsOHO"Oi' ~
contained no injurious properties whatever-it
was the most perfect preparation for the hair
ever offered to the public, combining many of
the most powerful and restorative agents in the
vegetable kingdom. 1t was invented in Sicily,
and no person. old or young, should fail to use
it. did use it-still the leopard would not
change his spots! Next in order came For
rests Hair Restorative the ''only actual re-
storer of the hair ever offered to the public =
having been discovered by Edwin Forrest, the
great American tragedian, man notoriously
hairy, and celebrated for the great quantity of
calf he carried with him. 1t was my last hope
Il clung to it as my bower anchor, but alas
it failed, and the colored map Of the world still
remains.


What's to be done? My friends, justly sup
posing that [ am not long for this world, are
importuning me for locks Of my hair. Should
| agree to their demands they would all be de-
ceived, for | can safely aver that it is not my
hair-but Bachelor that crowns my sconce. L
am at least until the original crop makes its
appearance, a dead duck on the troubled
waters of life, for have forsworn society until
can ''show my colors" in good faith.


Yours in affiiction,