smithclay/nortonstories huggingface dataset:
Year: 1877

No man has so very much trouble
after all. Certainly not so much
that he couldn't find some one that
could discount him twenty times
and then beat him out. Job is gen
orally considered the boss man for
trouble, and yet we don't. suppose
Job bewailing the fate Of his child
ren and servants and bowling over
more boils than he could count in a
day, felt as utterly, hopelessly,
wretchedly miserable as one of his
servants did, humping himself along
+, the dirt road a thousand miles min
ute, with a fierce Chaldean right
behind him, gaining on him every
jump and coolly picking out the
very spot where he would poke a
spear l6 feet long clear through him.
If you want to dwarf your own
troubles look at some ones else.
But that is never any consolation to
man who is trying to scratch
hive between his shoulders.
Year: 1877

There are many misfOrtunes in
store for diBner-givers. They must
know whom not to invite together.
Politics or other causes may have
temporarily separated old acqnaint-
ances. The dinner will not he made
a greater success by the juxtapOsi-
tion of two members of Parliament
who no longer speak to one another
or boy and girl who have, after
an engagement of six months, found
that in no respect were they suited
to one another. Some of the party
have, perhaps, at the very last mo-
ment, sent an excuse, and the result
is four men all sitting next to one
another. OF these, two are certain
to be in bad humor. No man dimes
out to sit between two men; and he
would much prefer to dine at his
club, in which case he can order
his own dinner, read his book, and
get free play for his legs The ord
mary attitude of man towards man
is suspicion. They meet hike dogs
in the street; an encounter may not
take place, but they are ready for
one. If possible the arrangement
of the ark should be initiated, and
each male take in a female to din
ner. The pairing must be made
with a proper regard to age, and the
lamb must not be given up 10 the
were wolf. The werewolf may like
it. but the lambs mother will be dis
consulate. If she isf to enjoy her
self, let her be under the delusion
that her daughter will be led TO the
altar the moment dinner is over, by
he-young man who has. sat next to
her. The next best thing to being
unmarried is to be a widOwer. a
good widower is as useful as a
good bachelor; indeed, better, in so
far as he has lite interest IN the
fortune of his first wife. Let Lord
Methuselah, therefore, take in the
youngest girl in the room. Age has
its excuses, and if he puts his arms
around her neck once or twice in the
evening the world will only say,
chow very much like Lord Methuse-
lah!" His income is large, and if
the disparity in years is so as well, it
is better that it should be on has
side than on hers.


London Saturday Reoie'o.


An Irish friend, who never reads
the papers, says he hears that the
Turks are bombarding kalafat from
Widin and he can't understand 1t,
or he thought they always bom-
arled city from swidout."
Year: 1877

idea until the result is saan N +bo;.
double war canOes-vesseIs that 81
though wonderfully swift and safe
are virtually nothing more than
two parallel logs joined together by
a platform, on which mast is plant
ed. The Feejee double canoe is not
however, the consumate flower of
barbarian bodybuilding genius. 1t
has been surpassed by the Flying
Proa of the Ladroue Islands, craft
that combines to. some extent both
the hollow and the solid log ideas,
here. - ' '-O


The hull of the Flying Proa ex-
hlbits on one side the graceful lines
of well proportioned fat. Were
an ordinary sail boat to be eut in
two along the keel, and boarded up
Perpendicularly, either side would
present rude idea of the model
Proa. Each end of the Proa is ex-
actly alike, and as the mast is placed
exactly in the middle, the craft will
sail equally well with either end hrst.
Across the deck run stout bamboo
poles, which project beyond the
rounded side of the Proa, and are
fastened at their extremities to a
iog OF wood placed parallel to the
boat, and fashioned so as to offer the
slightest practicable resistance to
the water. The weight of the loo
or outrigger acts as a counterpoise
to the force of the wind, since bv
the peculiar manner in which the
Proa is sailed, the log is always on
the windward side. Thus, although
the Prea, is excessively long and
narrow, it can never eapsize, the
out rigger answering the same pur-
pose in this respect which the Fee
jeean aecomplishes by using a
double canoe.


The mast, although placed half
way between the ends of the boat
stands in the bilge, close to the gun,
vale, where it is fastened to the mid
die beam of the outrigger. The sail
lateen, triangular in shape, but
much wider at the foot and less lofty
In proportion than are most lateen
sails 1t does not seem large in
comparison with the length Of the
Proa, but In view of the extreeme
narrowness of the hull and its want
of stability apart from the outrig-
ger, 1t is an enormous sail. The
fore end of the yard fits into a sock
ct at the end of the boat ana the foot
of the sail is laced to boom. It is
thus capable of being trimmed as
fiat as board, and as it is reefed by
rolling the boom until the desired
amount of sail is wrapped around it,
the shape of the sail always remains
the same.


As has been said, the Proa is sail
ed with eitheren first, but the out
rigger is always kept on the wind
ward side. The fiat side being thus
always the lee side, acts as a keel or
centre board, but with more effect
than either In fact the Proa is said
to make scarcely any pereeptible
leeway. When beating against
head wind the Proa never tacks, she
is merely kept away until her stern
approaches the wind, when what
was the stern suddenly becomes the
bow. 1t is credIbly asserted that
this product of barbarian genius Oft
en- attains speed of twenty miles,
and it is certain that not only is the
Proa, the fastest sailing boat in ex-
istence, but it will sail nearer the
wind than any vessel known to Eu-
ropean or American sailors.


Haper's Magazine.
Year: 1877

"Cut my hair" said the customer,
as he seated himself in a BARRIERS
chair. Sand be sure you let it run
down the back of my neck" referr-
ing, of course, to the particular
style of the cut.


The barber was a western artist.
having lately arrived in Oil CITY
from st. Louis.


After clipping away for some
time he concluded that perhaps the
hair wasn't running down his Gus
toner's back as fast as that individ
ual might desire although for
the life of him he couldn't see wbv
he should want it to run down at
aIl-and when a quantity had accu-
muIated inside his shirt collar, the
accommodating barber showed it
down and out of sight with the
handle of the brush.


This performance repeated two or
three times, and the customer began
to realize what was going on.
Hehceforward he took a lively inter-
est in the proceedings. He said:


'SWhat in the name of the bird
with the broad and sweeping wing,
are you doing?"


"It didn't seem to run down."
said the barber, apologeticalIy, sand
so l crammed it down with the
brush"


The customer acted like man
who had Just made the discovery
that rat had built her nest between
his shoulders and had kittens there;
so he yelled: e


"Cram your crammed head to
eramnation!'' aud then, turning a
double somersault out of his chair,
be kicked at the reflection of the
barber in the looking-glass. The
barber escaped. Oh City Derrick,
Year: 1877

Chinese women have no sense.
Every night they pray to their gods
to change them into men. Oh, fool
ish women. By the time you have
walked mile and half out of your
way in the hot sun and dived down
eleven alleys and rambled through
lumber yards on the way to the Of
fee, in order to keep out of the way
of men who are looking for you to
dun you, you would be happily con
tent to sit at home, behind closed
blinds and locked doors in an up
stairs room and sew all day. Want
10 he men indeed. Hd,ok'eye.
Year: 1877

Put your round, ripe, red tomato
into hot water for a second, so that
the skin will come off easily. Put
the shorn tomato upon ice over
night, so that it is firm and cold as
SNOWFALL. In the morning have
it brought fresh ami cold in deep
saucer, and, with pepper, salt, vine
gr and oil, treat 1t rs a cannibal
would treat IA baby.
Year: 1877

nal success, but she pointed out the
true way to deal with a man under
the bed. Most women would have
tried to poke him out with a broom,
at the same time requesting him to
"shOO." The result would have been
to expose themselves to an attack at
very great disadvantage. Miss
Johnson's plan, on the contrary
places a man under the bed entirely
at the mercy of a cool and courage
Gus woman, and those women who
may at any time hereafter find a
man under their respective beds will
do well to initiate her example, and
share her well earned glory.


". Y. Times.
Year: 1877

At the time Of the census Colorado
was Territory. I'm all the Northern
States then organized, save one, the pro
portion of white male adults who were
unable to read and write was less than
per cent; in only two exceeding per
cent Accordingly majorities against De
mocracy and darkness were recorded in
every Northern State outside Of the dark
spots named Now let Us look into the
sources Of Mr. Tilden's strength. As yet
we do not include the three disputed
States in either list. To make the com
parison entirely fair. we exclude colorsd
adults altogether The proportion Of H.
literate white male adults in the States
carried by the Democrats was:
Year: 1877

A lady in Bedford. who lived near q
church. was sitting By the window listen
ing 10 the crickets which were loudly
ehirping the music from the choir re-
hcarsal being family audible. when q
gentleman dropped IN familiarity. who
bad just passed The church AID had the
music full In his mind. What a noise
they are making to.nightf' sAid be.


Yes said the lady. and u is said they
do u with their hind iegsr
Year: 1877

james and Thomas Hart were arrested
In Colorado town the other day for
jointly beating barkeepsr. These must
be the persons referred 20 By the poet
when he spoke Of two Haris that beat
as one
Year: 1877

A gushing but ungrammatical editor
says


I'VE have received q basket OF fne
grapes from our friend -. for which he
will please accept our compliments. some
Of which are nearly an inch In diameter"
Year: 1877

BARRIERS often tell us that razOrs
oct tired of shaving, but if laid by
for twenty days they will then shave
well. By microscopic examination
it is found that the tired razor, from
long stropping by the same hanq
and in the same directions, has the
ultimate particles of tibers OF Its sur
faco or edoe all arranged in one di-
rection like the edge OF a piece OF
~ reIvet: but after a months rest,
tbese fibers rearrange themselves
beterogeneously, crossing each other
and presenting saw-like edge, each
fiber supporting its fellow, and hence
cutting the beard, instead of being
forced down fat without cutting as
when layed by. These and many
other instances are offered to prove
that the ultimate particles of matter
are always in motion; and they say
that in the process of welding the
absolute momentum of the hammer
causes an ENHANCEMENT of the orbits
of motion, and hence a rearrange-
ment as in one piece; indeed, IN .
cold state, a leaf of gold laid on a
polished surface of steel, and strick'
en- smartly with a hammer, will have
its particles forced into the steel SO
as to permanently gild it at the
Doint of contract.
Year: 1877

HOh, happiness, our beings end and aim"


Such is the poets description of
the end and aim of all. Yet how
few people attain to it! And why Is
it so?


We believe that people enjoy this
life far less than they might. In
stead of seizing the opportunities
that are at hand and making the
most of them, they waste their time
in a vain struggle for the unattaina-
BILE.


The first requisite to the fullest
enjoyment of life is a thorough com
prehension of its transformers.
when you are passing over the sum-
NIT of a mountain you know you are
there but for short time, and no
feature of the view escapes you. The
extensive landscape, the clouds be
tween you, everything unusual and
beautiful, attracts your attention
and contributes to your enjoyment.
But in the ordinary routine OF llte'
people sit down stOlidly, rs II they
were to stay here forever, and close
their ewes to their own surroundings


A great part of our happiness con
sists in ministering to the happiness
of others. We are quite apt to think
this can be done any time, and we
neglect the little chances that are
at hand. When the right time comes
we will do some great thing! Alas.
we forget whether that time will
ever come! Mutability is written
on everything here below. A kind
word spoken or written to-day may
be of more avail than the most pre-
cious gifts when we are ready 10 Slat
them. Do not omit to sPeah i,'%' :,
word ere the ear is deaf TO "nlcii II. /.
sbould be addressed; do not hegleI'
Ia wr;ta If before the eye whleh
sbonId road it may have grown SUD
IanI,. ond forever dim. Catch the
gont;pg beanty of the rainbow, OF
tha an9,inr cloud, of the morning
and evening, of the flower; enjoy
tbe thrill of the cordial greeting OF
an old friend, the exhilaration OF 8
ride or drive with = spirited horse
remembering that everything here Is
short lived, with the single excep
ton of the hope of something NOR
enduring hereafter. -.


A more philosophic view OF III
would render us more aPpreeiatlSF'
of its pleasures and make us Ia
happier than we are.
Year: 1877

sweet wine of their early companion
ship. o-g -.


So, as she took up a new embroid-
ed sack that she was making for the
baby, he opened to a story, and ask
ed her if she would not like to hear
it. Why, yes, she would be very
glad to; she got so little time to
read now, there was so much sewing
to do, and so many interruptions
that she never got time to open a
book hardly.


Frank was soon in the midst of a
the story, but when he read a gor-
geous description of the boudoir of
the heroine, Mary interrupted him;


"That makes me think, Frank,
that we must have a new carpet for
our best chamber; that's been on
the floor ever since we were married,
and it's all faded; it will do verv
well for one of the other bedrooms.
but think We must have new car
pet for that room, and curtains to
match; you know that carpets are
cheap now. saw an elegant ingram
at Sloan's last week, just the thing,
and it wouldn't cost over fifty dol
lars-this room isn't very large" "


"You shall have it," said Frank,
as he went on with his reading
Presently he looked up inquiringly
to Mary, and said: doesn't this
spirited fellow remind you of Tom
Bowling, my old college chum-
your cousin Tom, you know ?" see
ing that Mary looked little doubt
full.


"Why, yes, 1 guess he does" said
Mary, who had been thinking, not
of the story, but how she would ar
range the new curtains, and embroi-
der toilet set to match the carpet.


1t was easy enough to see that the
reading would be failure, and when
the story was finished Frank reclin
ed on theIounge and read to him
self. dts no USE" he thought, 81
can't get her interested in anything
but trifes, and I'n go back to my
club" E


So, on the plea of business, Frank
absented himself more and more
from home, until he rarely spent an
evening with Mary, unless visitors
were present. And she, absorbed in
her domestic cares, careful of his
physical comfort, Unconscious that
they were so rapidly growing apart,
gave herself more and more to her
household duties and the constant
oversight of her children.


Handsome children they were, and
Mrs. Mervin must see that IN dress
and manners they were in no whit
behind their neighbors. Though
she had a sewing machine, her nee
die was constantly in use while her
husband was at home, embrOidering
or finishing the garment she had
prepared in his absence. If there
was nothing else, the crochet or tat
ting needle filled up the intervals.


'IAbominable crochet-hOrrid tat
ting!" Frank would say to himself,
until all the paraphernalia Of tides
and lamp mats, wall baskets and so
ia pillows, became inexpersSibly
odious to him. "If Mary would only
knit up the raveled sleeve of care
which | bring home daily, with kind,
attention-if she would give
me herself, and let me rest my wea-
ry head on her heart. No doubt she
loves me, but that love doesn't salts
fy me. l want her to go with me
above these low-hung skies of care
and petty ambition, into the clear
light of those early, happy days
when we-Fead and talked SO much
together"
Year: 1877

We notice brief paragraph editor.
ial criticisms in two or three instances
in regard to our remarks upon tho
New York Republican Convention,
We trust that we take no sides upon
the questions touching the Presidents
course that would lead us to be un.
fair in our criticisms. What VIC have
said, in brief, is this, viz: That Mr..
Plat, as temporary chairman of the
convention, made speech calcu-
lated TO excite the delegates by al
luding in bitter, strong language TO
the action of the Administration.
There was no call for such speech
it was firebrand thrown in at the
very start. We may accord with Plat
in sentiment on tho Southern policy,
but VIC do not accord with him in Of
ficiously and Extensively introducing
the apple of discord into the conven-
ton, as he did. In this we feel to
severely condemn Mr.. Platt If dis
cord must have come, good sense and
common prudence ought to have die
tatcd to Plat to let George William
Curtis or some other Policy man in
troduce II.


On the other hand, we are in full
accord with the policy resolution
adopted by the convention. We be-
licve il to be rs we said the very best
one yet made upon the subject and
we scout the idea of the Curtis reso-
luton, viz: that to be a Republican,
or, indeed, hearty well-wisher for
the Administrators success, we
should resolve that we have agreed
or do now agree with the policy OF
the President. Our own Iowa con.
vcntion would very easily have been
thrown into a bitter turmoil with
such speech by its temporary chair.
man as Platt made. We had wise
and prudent man to make that speech
but we arc clearly Of the opinion that
the New York Convention did not
have such man. If we meet with
those in council with whom We differ
as to few things, and yet have ont
common result to accomplish, which
harmony and unity can alone effect
we shall always acknowledge our
selves at fault if we first Extensively
fiaunt in the face of our fellows thu
points Of difference between us. If
on the other hand, the opposite sid'
should wantonly open the fight, W,
should consider ourselves guiltlcs


for the quarrel that might ensue b,
our sturdy defense Of our own convic
tions as to. the right.
Year: 1877

A great many of the people who
have not arrived at the age of dis
cretion have fully reached the age
of discussion. They argue just
for the sake of being on the other
side. They are kind of human bri-
er and will tear the clothes and skin
of any one who goes too near them.
They would rather go to the other
place and have a controversy than
stay in heaven and keep quiet.
Year: 1877

Tweed's COUNSEL says that since
his trouble most of those whom he
had looked upon as his friends in
his palmy days, had held themselves
aloof from him, while many of them
had been loudest in their denuncia
ton Of him, and does not propose
to recognize any further claims up
on him for silence.
Year: 1877

The pencil marks you see around thI


paragraph (thus) mean that your sub
seription Is out or unpaid, and that you
are requested to pay up at once. We
would take great pleasure Ia extending
credit to our friends and patrons. but
cash alone wiz way our expenses, and
we are forced to adhere to a strict cash
rule. We hope you VIII comprehend
and appreciate the necessity OF such
course, and renew your subscription
without delay. We solicit your favor.


u We enter no new names on our
books without the money In advance.
Year: 1877

The will of the rich man of the
future will read: "To the respective
attorneys of my children 1 give my
entire estate aud worldly goods of
all description. Personally to the
children, and to my beloved wife, l
give all that remains" This in
strument will satisfy the family and
save the trouble of proving the old
man insane.
Year: 1877

A man was brought up the other
day, charged with marrying again
while his first wife, Ann, was alive.
He pleaded Eot guilty, declaring
that his first wife's existence was
not proven because Ann is an in
definite article.
Year: 1877

An old German minister is said
to have prayed, 80 Lord. when /
try to do a little thing for thee, and
give up something near to my
heart, thou comest and givest me
back a thousand times as much"
Year: 1877

Lord Coleridge does not seem to be
as popular on the bench as at the bar
Whea an application was made to him
the other day to allow the costs OF a
prosecution for poaching which had
resulted in the conviction of the three
prisoners charged. his reply was that
1T was the first time any such applica-
tlon had been made to him, and he
hoped it would be the last, for he GER
tainly never should order costs in any
such case" Lord Coleridge conclud-
ed by observing that "the law ought
undoubtedly to be enforced but as the
Law protected the amusements of rich
people they must pay for its enforce
ment. AS might have been expected
this view Of the Judges has excited
some disapproval, and Sir Charles LIE
gard is about to bring the matter up
IN the House of Commons. The Pail
Mall Gazette, in noticing the case. .cri.
clses Lord Coleridges little habit of
sentencing prisoners to slavery" in
stead of penal servitude.
Year: 1877

HUMsuNG-BIRD's NEsr.-Burroughs,
in his charming little book. Wake Robin
says it is an event in ones life to find


humming-bird's nest. The event happen


ed to me without any effort on my part


Looking up from seat in the grove.
saw the ruby-throat drop down on its
nest, like ashining emerald from the
clouds; it did not pause upon the edge OF
the nest, but dropped Immediately upon
it. The nest was situated upon an oak
twig, and was about the size of q black
walnut, and from where l sat 1t looked
more like an excrescence than nest. 1t
is situated in the fork of two twigs; 1t is
firmly glued at the base to the lower, but
Is not fastened to the upper twig.


Iwaited for the tiny occupant to leave
the nest, and then with the aid of step.
ladder had no difficulty in looking into
1t. found 1t contained two white eggs
about as large as medium-sized peas.
Sometimes the male would drop upon the
nest when the female left. I never dis
turbed them while they were sitting upon
it; but often before / could get away,
when thought them out of sight, the
male would suddenly appear, and great
er demonstrations of anger l never saw
manifested by any bird. He would ruffle
up his tiny feathers, and seem nearly
twice as large, and dash almost into my
face making squeaking noise-scolding
and threatening until he had drivea me
quite distance. he soon learned that
1 was very much afraid ofhim, so he turn
ed tyrant, and often drove me from my
seat in the grove when / had not been
near his dwelling. / always submitted to
the tiny tyrant, for what business had l
TO be prying into his domestic affairs?
When the young were Matched they were
not larger than humblebees. but in a
week they had flown. cut the twig of,
and found the nest was composed of the
same soft downy substance which had
noticed in the wood pewee's nest, but it
is matted so closely together that it is al
most as firm as the softer kinds of felt; it
is marvel ofskill and beauty, and is
covered externally with lich-
ens.-MARY TREAT, in Hdrper'S Mdga-
zinefor Apra.