Year: 1867

II your wife loves you, you need read no
further, for these directions are not intend
ed tor you. You need no directions. You
can get drunk as often as you please, be
guilty of robbery, assassination. battle mur-
der, sudden death and privy conspiracy, and
make your wife believe, by means of single
KISS, that you are one of the saints of tie
EARTH


For those husbands who only apparently,
not really, have mastered the hearts of their
wives, We lay down the following direc-
tions:


1t on your wedding night you failed to get
drunk and break all your mother in laws
crockery. do something equally outrageous
as soon as possible You will then always
be able to scare your wife into submission by
reminding her of what you had done; and
| what you may be provoked to do again.


lfyou are fond of smoking a pipe, and
your wife complains of youe breath on ac-
count of it. eat onions; il will make her for.
get the pipe.


If you have baby. groan as if your last
hour had come whenever it begins saualling
in the night. You will not then be called
upon to walk it.


As sick rooms are not pleasant, always
have business that will keep YOU down town
the whole day and half the night, when your
wife is sick.


When you get home at four o'clock in the
morning, after fighting the tiger" or
friendly game of draw" with your friends,
tell your wife your business is getting so
large that the labor of it is breaking down
your constitution, and you must take in a
partner but when she men tions that new
dress, shake your head and talk about econ
omy and hard times.
| If your wife is very religious. and fond of
entertaining ministers, take advantage of the
first opportunity 20 insult one of these gen.
| tlemen in your own mouse. 1t can be done
with perfect impunity, and will deter. others
from calling during meal hours, or any other
time.


| If your circumstances are such that YOU
| find it necessary to practice economy, begin
with your table and dine every day at res
| taurant.


There are certain little things that must
be done daily by one or the other of every
married couple. Impress upon your wife
that the performance of these is verv dis
tasteful to you and so force her to attend to
the whole of them herself. Among these is
the kindling of the fire in the morning, if
you have no servant. Lie in the bed and let
your wife do it, Also, wait for her to pour
out the water for you to wash, brush your
clothes, and place your slippers by chair
before the fire.


When all is prepared, get out of bed and
dress yourself, taking care not to show. by
word or look that you appreciate the little
attentions that have been shown YOU But
if you find that any of them have been over.
looked, be cross and fretful during the rest
of the morning.


When you are asked to go out to make an
laIr, Of h.,A
ache.


Make it point never to praise anv dish
on the table, especially the one to which you
know your wife has given her personal at
tention. Such course will suppress any
lurking vanity there may be in her nature.


When you are in a room together, always
occupy the most comfortable seat, after hav-
ing offered it to her in such way that she
can with any proprety accept it.


Give her the choice of any dish you are
carving, after having repeatedly informed
her what parts you yourself prefer.


Keep her in perfect ignorance as to the
condition of your business, although she is
as deeply interested in it as your are, and no
injury can result to it by your telling her all
about it. By keeping it to yourself you
have the satisfaction of feeling that you are
superior to her, because you know what she
does not.


If from any cause you are detained at
home, and find the time heavy on your
hands. it may be that your wife is interested
in novel that she is about through with
Take it from her as if you wished merely to
glance at it; sit down and read it by the
hour. She, in the meantime, may amuse
herself by sewing.


If you do not keep carriage, and your
wife tells you that she and the children need
an airing, tell her to wait for the death of
her friends, when she may ride to the funeral
free of cost.