Year: 1878

and | believe for the next.


Mark Twain's Military Record.


[ wouldn't have missed this for a
great deal. | did not assemble at the
hotel parlors to-day to be received by a
committee as mere civilian guest. No,
| assembled at the headquarters of the
Putnam Phalanx, and insisted upon my
my right to be guarded to this place as
one of the military guests. applause
and laughter) For |, too, am soldier.
am Injured to war | have military
history. | have been through stirring
campaign, and there is not even men
tion Of it in any history Of the United
States or in the Southern Confedracy.
Uaughter) TO such lengths can the
envy and the malignity Of the historian
go. | will unbosom myself here, where
| cannot but find sympathy. ! will tell
you about it, and appeal through you to
justice. In the earliest summer days
of the war | stepped out of Hannibal,
Mo-, by night Qaughter) and joined a
ris army q find myself in great ma
nority here,) Up a gorge behind an old
barn in Rails county, Colonel Rail
sworc us in. He made us swear to up
hold the flag and constitution of the
United States, and to destroy any other
military organization we caught doing
the same thing. Great laughtcr) In
other words; We were to Ycpel invasion.
We'll, you see. this mixedus. We could
not really. tell which side we were on:
but we went into camp and left it to The
God of battles which was the custom
in that day. was made second lieu
tenant and chief mogul Of company of
eleven men, who didn't know anything
about war-or anything We had nc
captain. My friend who was nineteen
years old, six feet high, three feet wide
and some distance through, and just out
of the infant school, was made orderly
sergeant. His name was Ben Tupper,
and he had hard time. When he was
mounted on the march, he used to go to
sleep and his horse would reach around
and bite his leg and he would cry and
curse and want to go home. The other
men pestered him good deal, too
When they were dismounted they said
they couldn't march in double file with
him, because his feet took up so much
room. One night when we were around
the camp fire. fellow on the outside of
the circle, in the cold, said, Ben Tup-
/ per, put down that newspaper; it casts
shadow like blanket Ben said, :" l
amt got any newspaper" Then the
ear" Naughter) We all slept in a
corn-crib on the corn, and the rats were
very thick. Ben Upper had been care


fully and rigidly reared and when he
was ready for bed he would start to
pray, and rat would bite him on the
heel, and then he would sit up and
swear all night 0aughter) and keep cv-
erybody awake. He was town bred and
did not seem to have any correct idea of
military discipline. If | commanded
him to shut up he would say, Who was
your niger last year, One evening |
ordered him to ride out on picket duty
about three miles to beginning of a
prairie. Said he, In the rain?' He
didn't 90 again. Next day l order
ed him on picket duty once more This
time he looked hurt. Said he. What
on Sunday" Picketing was impracti


cable, so dropped it from my military
system. We had good enough time
there at that barn; barring the rain and
the rats and the mosquitoes and things.
We lived on both parties impartially,
and both parties hated us impartially.
But one day we heard that the invader
was approaching, so we had to pack up
and move. Inside of 24 hours the in
vader was coming again; SO we moved
again And next day he was after us
once more We didn't like it much, but
we moved (rather than to make trouble).
This went on for week or ten day sand
we saw considerable scenery. Then Ben
Tupper lost his patience. He says,
War is not what it is cracked up to
be. I'm going home if | can't get a
chance to set down minute; why do
these blame people keep humping about
so? Blame their skins, do they think
this is an excursion?" Some Of the 9th


cr boys began to grumble They COM
planned that there was an insuficiency
of umbrellas, and they complained that
the Worcestershire sauce was out
There was mutiny and dissatisfaction
all around, and, of course, here came
the enemy pestering us again, two hours
more than two hours break
fast, and no one wanted to turn out at
that hour. This was little too much.
The whole command felt insulted.
detached one of my aids, and sent him
to the brigadier, and asked him to assign
to us district where there wasn't so
much bother going on. The history of
our company was laid before him. but
instead of being touched by it, what did
he do? He sent back an indignant mes


sage. He said, You have had a dozen
chances inside of two weeks to capture
the enemy, and he is still at large. q
knew that) Stay where you are this
time or will court martial and hang
the whole of you" | submitted this
brutal message to my battalion and
asked their advice Said the orderly
sergeant, If Tom Harris wants the en-
emy let him come here and get him. |
haven't got any use for my share. Who's
Tom Harris, anyway, that S putting on
so many frills? Why, | knew him when
he wasn't anything but burned opera
tor. Gentlemen, you can do as you
choose. AS for me I've got enough of
his sashaying round, so as you cant get
chance to pray, because the time is all
required for cussin. So off goes my
war paint. You hear me. The whole
regiment said, That's the talk for us y
So then and there on the spot my brig
ade disbanded itself and tramped off
home, with me at the tail end of it
We were the first men who went into
the service in Missouri, and we We're the
first who went out Of it anywhere =
Great applause.) This, gentlemen, is
the history of the part which my divis-
ion took in the Great Rebellion, and
such is the military record of it's com
mander-in chief. And this is the first
, time that the deeds of those eleven war
riors have been brought officially to the
notice of humanity. Treasure these
things in your hearts, and so shall the
datested and trnculent historians Of this