Year: 1878




There are few things more devastat-
ing than a goat-in-the-front-yard. 1t
lays waste the fower-bed and devours
the croquet arches, balls and mallets.
Ii there are any iron chairs or lounges
on the front piazza, the goat is certain
to nibble them, and seldom leaves them
without consuming leg or two. What
is the best remedy for goat-in-the-front-
yard is still an open question. Any at
tempt to drive him out with clubs is sure
to end disastrously. Either he tramples
down every vestige of flower or shrub,
or he turns upon the driver and butts
ali interest in life out of him.


There was once globular man-one
who was so fat that his summit was as
high above the level of the sea when he
was lying on his back as it was when
he was standing on his feet. This man
tried to drive goat out of his front
yard, and was butted for several con-
secutive hours. 1t is well known that
when goat has once knocked man
down he stands over him, but refrains
from resuming the attack until his VIC
tim is on his feet again. The globular
man was knocked down at the first
blow, and remained perfectly quiet;
but the goat, perceiving that his VIC
TINS height remained undiminished,
imagined that the attempt to knock him
had failed, and so he. went at
him again. The perseverance
that animal showed did him in
finite credit. Having taken the
contract to knock the man down, he de-
termined to butt it out on that line if it
took all day. Blow after blow was
rained upon the unfortunate globular
person, who was gradually rolled across
the lawn until he brought up against the
wooden casing around the cistern. It
took the goat nearly an hour to butt him
through this casing, but he ultimately
succeeded, and when the man was SUBJ
sequently taken out of the water he was
found to be flattened to uniform thick
ness of two inches. He may, however,
have been more malleable than an Or
dinary man.


AS for poisoning goat, all natural
lists agree that it is impossible. An ami
NAL that can eat tin-cans, hoop-skirts,
clearinghouse beef-steaks and mince-
pie to any extent with complete inn
punity can not be affected by any less
deadly substance. Strychnine, arsenic,
and even prussic acid, are to the goat
nothing more than spices, and have no
other effect than that of stimulating his
appetite. Of course, it is not impossible
to shoot a goat, but, unfortunately, a
gun makes a loud report, and attracts
the attention of the neighbors. 1t is
curious provision of nature that goats
are always owned by large and athletic
Irishmen. A slight, consumptive Irish
man often owns dogs, chickens and pigs,
hut he never owns a goat. Now, to
shoot a goat is to invite visit from
vigorous and belligerent Irishman, and
if a man is to be butted, the goat will do
it more artistically and with better taste
than his owner. Since, then, goat in
the-front-yard can neither be driven out
nor poisoned, and can not be shot with
out extremely unpleasant consequences,
it really seems as though the evil we're
incurable.


There is, indeed, one remedy which
has been extensively advertised, and
which is honestly believed in by many
persons who have never tried it. 1t is
known as the dried-apple cure. The
victim of goat-in-the-front-yard leaves a
bushel of dried apples and bucketful
of water where they will attract the at
tention of the animal. The goat eats
the dried apples, drinks the water, and
Immediately begins to swell. He swells
to enormous dimensions, and finally-so
it is said-explodes, with tremendous
report, and it scatters all over the coun-
try in pieces too small to admit of iden-
tification. Of course, the explosion is
heard by the neighbors, but the instan-
taneous disappearance of the goat re-
moves all ground for suspicion.


There is man in Oshkosh-Mr. C.
L. Babcock, formerly the efficient and
popular third assistant clerk in the
Lumbermen's and Cat-fshers' National
Bank--who lately heard of the dried
apple remedy and resolved to try it. He
sent to Chicago provision store and
obtained a bushel of dried-apples
of the most virulent character, and
placed them, together with the
supplementary bucket of water, in his
front parlor SO that he could enjoy the
explosion without going out doors. Mr..
Babcock had been exceedingly troubled
by goats, and was particularly proud of
his front yard, which he had laid out
with great care and had surrounded with
fence Of novel pattern and great cost.
Early in the morning the expected goat
butted the front gate open, entered the
yard, was lured into the parlor by the
display of hoop-skirt, and ate the ap-
Piles. He was an exceptionally long and
narrow goat, and was SO persistently
thin that it was generally thought that
nothing not eunn silrer-ral.tad forks