Year: 1874

HOW IIE ATTEMPTED TO CURE lE.


Mark Twain, being unable to attend 4
school entertainment in New York to
which he had been invited, sent the follow
ing letter:


HARTFORD, Conn , 5, 1874.


Miss X. w. WHITE:


| Dear Madam: | regret exceedingly be-
ing unable to accept your kind invitation
| (also Mr.. =. G. Duffy's) to be present at
your COMMENCEMENT exercises, but the
annoying and vexatious illness which still


hangs about me, together with some busi-


ness engagements, will prevent. The i'll
ness to which refer is severe cold


which took in New York last Winter DUR
ting the lecture season. Perhaps the re-
cital of how | tried to cure this cold may
be of interest, and may be of interest, and
may serve instead of the few remarks you
SO politely asked me to make to the friends
and pupils.


The first time l began to sneeze,
friend told me to go and bathe my feet in
hot water and go to bed. ! did so. Short
ly after another friend told me to get up
| and take cold shower-bath | did that
| also. Within the hour. another friend as
sured me that it was policy to fded a cold
and starve fever. | had both. So l
thought it best to fill myself up for the
cold, and let the fever starve awhile. In
a case of this kind seldom do things by
halves; | ate pretty heartily. Kconferred
my custom upon a stranger, who had just
opened his restaurant on Cortlandt street,
near the hotel, that moring, paying so
mach for full meal He waited near me
in respectful silence until had finished
feeding my cod, when he inquired if the
people about New York were much afflict.
ed with colds l told him thought they
were. He then went out and took in his
his signs


| started up toward the office, and on
the way encountered another bosom friend
who told me that Il quart of warm salt
water would come as near curing a cold
rs anything in the world. | hardly
thought had room for it, but ] tried it,
anyhow. The result was surprising. l
believe | threw up my immortal soul.
Now. as give my experience only for the
benefit of those of your friends who are
troubled with this distember, I feel that
they will see the propriety Of cautioning
them against following such portions of it
as proved inefficient with me, and acting
upon this conviction warn them against
warm salt water. 1t may be good
enough remedy, but think it is rather
too severe. If had another cold in the
head, and there was no course left ME to
to take either an earthquake or
quart of warm salt water, / would take
my chances on the earthquake. After this
and took all sorts of remedies-hot lem
lan,nnaAo too
set, stewed Quaker hoarhound syrup,
onions and loa-sugar, lemons and brown
sugar, vinegar and laudanum, five bottles
fir balsam, eight bottles cherry pectoral.
and ten bottles of Uncle Sans remedy,
but all without effect. One of the pre-
scriptions given by an old lady was-well,


it was dreadful. She mixed. decoction
composed of molasses, catnip, peppermint,
aqua fortis, turpentine, kerosene, and va =
rious other drugs, and instructed me to
take a wines glassful every fifteen minutes.
| never took but one dose; that was
enough. l had to take to my bed, and stay
there for two entire days. When felt
little better more things were recommend
ed. | was desperate. and willing to take
anything. Plain gin was recommended,
then gin and molasses, then gin and
onions. | took all three. detected no
particular result, however, except that
had acquired breath like turkey buzz
zard, and had to change my boarding
place. AT this new place they suggested
IA different remedy to any yet tried. A
sheet bath was recommended. had
never refused a remedy yet, and it seemed
poor policy to commence then; therefore
determined to take sheet bath, though
| had no idea what sort of arrangement
it was. 1t was administered at midnight,
and the weather was very frosty. My
back and breast were stripped, and
sheet Ohere appeared to be thousand
yards of it soaked in ice-water was
wound around me until | resembled
swab for columbiad 1t is cruel expe-
dent. When the chilly rag touches ones
warm flesh it makes him start with sudden
violence and gasp for breath, just as men
do in the death agony. 1t froze the mar
row in my bones and stopped the beating
of my heart. | thought my time had
come. When l recovered from this
friend recommended the application of
mustard plaster to my breast. believe
that would have cured me effectualy if it
had not been for young Clemens. When
l went to bed put the mustard plaster
where | could reach it when l should be
ready for it. Bat young Clemens got hun
cry in the night. and ate it up. | never
saw any child have such an appetite
am confident that he would have eaten ME
if had been healthy. After all this ex-
perience you cannot wonder that dread
going to New York, and feel obliged to
decline your kind invitation. Wishing
you successful and pleasant time, re-
main, very respectfully,