Year: 1877

deavored to safely dispose of their
hats, there is not one that has not been
proved to he fallaciOus. TO hold ones
hat continually in ones LAP is practi-
cable only in Quaker Westinghouse,
where the wOrshipers remain seated
during the entire service, and never
use any devotional implements, such
as prayer.bo0ks and hymn-bOoks. No
man could successfully balance a hat
in one hand and find the epistle for
the twenty-second Sunday after Trini.
ty with the other hand while to
stand up in order to repeat the creed
or to sing hymn, with q hat under Il
left arm, would be the hight of absur.
dity. The hat, then, must be laid en-
tirely aside during divine service, and
our churches, being constructed with
exclusive reference to souls instead of
hats, afford no resting. places for the
latter.


The extreme danger of placing a hat
in the aisle Immediately outside the
pew is universally known. The first
lady that sweeps up the aisle carries
with her a confused mass Of defense
less hets, which are deposited in the
shape of terminal MOI laine in front
Of the pew which is her final goal. OF
course the RATS which have been sub
jected to this process are reduced by
attriti0n to a rounded form and are
covered with scratches, reminding one
of the marks of glacial action on gran
ite boulders. However interesting
they may be to the geologist, they are
of no further value as hats, and can
rarely be bent into shape that will
allow their owners to wear them home.
Next to the aisle the pew seat is the
most dangerous position in which a
hat can be placed. Statistics show
that out of every one hundred hats
thus situated sixty are sat upon by
their owners, thirty.tive are sat upon
by other people, and only five escape
uninjured. 1t is curious fact that
more men sit down upon their hats af.
ter repeating the creed than reading
the Psalms or performing any other
perpendicular part of the service. And
another curious fact is the attraction
which hat thus exposed upon a seat
exerts upon fat person. Neither of
these facts has ever l,een satisfactorily
explained, although they are matters
of general notoriety.


A man may enter remote pew in a
strange church and place his hat on a
seat in position where it is imposs
ible for fat man to perceive it or
entering the church. Nevertheless,
experience has shown that in six cases
out Of ten the sexton will show fat
man into that precise pew within ten
minutes after the hat is in position,
while other and further fat men will
from time to time hover about the 10
cality, with the evident desire of as
certaining if the hat is still suscep
tible of further smashing. There il
clearly a law of nature at work here
which needs to be definitely formula


ted, and it is discreditable to science
that this has not yet been done.


As to putting ones hat on the nool


underneath the seat, no one who fol


lows this reckless course can expect
anything but disaster. If there is {
small boy In the pew he will infalliblJ
discover the hat, and kick it to tht
other end of the pew within the frs


thirty mil utes of the service. If there
is lady in the pew, a surgical opera


tion will be required to remove hel


boot from the interior of the hat
! while, in any event, the hat is certain


to absorb every particle of dust with
in q radius of eight feet, and to faster


itself to the floor with the aid of for


gotten Sunday-School gum.drops


Neither under the seat, on the sea


nor in the aisle can the worried ha


find rest, and the plan of establishin,


a hat.pound in the vestibule, wher


hats could be ticketed and kept dur


ing the service, would simply resul


in converting a church into a hat ex


change, where the sinners would sc


cure all the good hats, and the sain:


would be compelled to content them


selves with worn-out and WORTHLESS


ones.