Year: 1878

After ! graduated from college my
parents wanted me TO be a doctor or {
lawyer. They left the matter to me
however, and chose TO introduce into
society patent squirt can, cockroach
and bedbug poison combined. The com.
tfned squirt-cdn, cockrOach and bedbug
poison, of which / was the sole agent
was an excellent article for the house
hold, but it required pushing. never
allowed myself to be put off with a SER
wants ruse. | soon learned that sue
cess depended on getting into the house
and making short but eloquent speech
on the merits of the article direct to the
family. In those days, as now, SER
wants were instructed to admit no ped
lers. This did not trouble me much,
but it gave me some additional work.
As, for instance:


When a servant would come to open
the door in answer to my ring, your
grandfather would be Oh the alert, and
as soon as it was opened enough to adj
NIT my arm, your grandfather would
reach in, seize the servant by the throat
and drag her out upon the stoop. There
| would explain matters to the gentle
gazelle. / would tell her | was an Off
Ger of the Government, armed to the
teeth. In accordance with an act of
Congress | was introducing patent
squirt-can, cockroach and bedbug poi
son combined. would tell her had
not dragged her out of doors and chok-
ed her until she was black in the face
because l loved to do such things. My
disposition is as sweet as the sucking
doves. Anybody in the employ Of the
government could tell her that. Twas
only obeying instructions from head.
quarters. Government appreciated the
necessity of keeping cOckroaches and
bedbugs in state of subjectiOn. Asits
agent | am instructed to enter every
house in this broad land, peaceably if
possible, fercibly if necessary, and sell
the inmates the wonderful squirt-can,
&C., at the rate of fifty cents can, or
three cans for a dollar, with printed
directions on every label. Then would
assume a fierce aspect and bid her HE
around to the back yard and stay there
until | cOnsummated my trade. As she
shot around the corner my parting
words always were:


"And hark ye! If you make any out
cry or sound any alarm of distress, I'll
seek you out and shoot you so full of
holes that there'll be forty men here be-
fore tomorrow morning to buy your
hide for a tish-net."


Then your grandfather would enter
the house, tell the folks that the servant
had been kind enough to show me in,
salute them right and left and make my
pretty little speech. This was always
delivered with such fine effect, together
with practical application of the Won
dCl VI lllC Cun NllClCNCI IL
cockroach or bedbug showed his head,
that | only failed to sell my prepara-
ton to those families who intended |
moving in the spring, and / cleared a
million dollars in year,


Here grandfather's head fell forward |
On his breast and he began to snore.


The children him up and beg
yed that he would tell them about his |
pretty speech.


'I'l speech you," shouted grand
Iather as he shook the children off of
him. eff you don't mind your busi-
ness now and letme sleep when want |
%, I'll cut every one of you into shoe
strings"


After few minutes had elapsed |
mamma said she could not understand |
low some people could tell such awful
stories as they did and be able to sleep a
wink in a lifetime.