Year: 1866

Pleasures OF MatrImOny---The First


Lesson I'm the Art of Wife Tanning.


The following excellent and reliable
method of wife tanning is an extract
from "Persimmon Papers:"


At supper her health must be pro-
posed by the spokesman of tho party,
and when she retires ''ready to drop"
with suppressed evaporation, you
must all stand up, and forming double
lines, allow her to pass from the room
through an avenue of those she will
"regard as the greatest brutes she ever
met with" Continue wine and revelry
until the morning has far advanced,
and when you retire to rest, expecting
to find her asleep, you will see pale
figure with sunken cheeks sitting up in
bed. Don't give way; be firm, If ever
you can be so, at this moment. Now
will commence your first curtain lee
ture, in the Caudle style, thus:


"Do you think ever would have
married, If my house were to be turned
sure the place won't be sweet for a
month. All the curtains are poisoned
with smoke, and much more, with the
filthiest smoke ever knew. Take 'em
down then. Yes, it's all very we'll for
you to say take 'em down; but they
were only put up month ago. But a
careful wife's lost upon you. You
u
have let your house go to wreck and
ruin, MS will in the future.


land what a condition the carpets
in. They've taken five pounds out of
it, if farthing, with their filthy boots,
and 1 don't know what besides. And
then the smoke in the hearth-rug, and
large cinder hole burned in it. 1
never saw such house in my life. Ha!
and you call yourselves the lords of
creation! I should only like to see
what would become of creation If you
were left TO yourselves! A pretty pickle
| creation would be i'll very soon!


"You must have been in nice con-
dition? What do you say? You took
nothing? Took nothing, didn't you?
I'm sure there's such regiment of
empty bottles, 1 haven't had the heart
to count 'eIn. And punch, too! you
dred half lemons in the kitchen, II
there's one; for Susan showed 'em to
me. No, sir; Susan shan't leave the
house. What do you say? She has no
right to tell lies, and you will be master
OF your own house! Will-you? you
don't alter, you'll soon have no house
to be master Of. A whole loaf of sugar,
did leave in the cupboard, and now
there isn't as much as would fill n ten
cup. Do you suppose I'm to find sugar
for punch for fifty menH What do you
sayH There wasn't tifty7 That's no
matter, the more Sname Tor 'em, sir.
I'm sure they drank enough for fifty.


"Do you suppose out of my house
keeping I'm to find punch for all the
world? You don't ask me2 You do;
you know you do; for if only want a
shilling extra the whole house is in a
blaze. And yet whole loaf OF sugar
can you throw away upon. No. /
won't be still; and won't let you go to
sleep. II you had come to bed at a
proper hour you would have been
asleep by now. You can sit up half the
night with pack of people who don't
care for you. and your poor wife can't


"And there's that china image-1
would not have taken any sum of
money for it, and you know it-and
how do j find it2 With its precious
head knocked off! You knew nothing
about it? Now, how can you lie there,
in your Christian bed, and say that
You. know that fellow with the big
whislzers knocked of the head with the


H"You know that he did! And YOU
hadn't the feelings-yes, will say 1T
you hadn't the feelings TO protect what
you knew was precious to me. OhI no,
II the truth was known, you were glad
to see it broken for that very reason.