Year: 1879

LOOK MOL Upon the miuee-Pte When II


Oil City Derrick.


My friends, there is another rock wish
all to guard against. 1t is hidden by the
still summer sea, but upon it many a
human bark has split. I refer to the
mince~pie. Yes, my hearers, the mince.
pie is a rock that has brought thousands
to watery graves-or, not to watery
pgraves, exactly, but-you understand
what | mean. The mince>pie is the
curse OF the land. 1t is alluring your
youth from the path of virtue and
sobriety, and leading them down to ruin
1t begets an appetite for strong drink
that sweeps everything before it. Look
not. .upon the accursed thing Shnn IL as
you would viper. Sit on it; trample
it under your feet, as it were. | once
knew brilliant young man, loved and
courted by all who knew him. His is
the story of thousands. This young man
used to visit his aunt in the fall, that
fatal time OF the year when the minee-
pie stalks up and down through the
earth, seeking where it may devour
somebody. This young mans aunt
could nj axe mince-pie till you couldn't
rest, and her art lured him to destruc-
tion. That Unsuitable monsterl At first
he ate lightly OF the damning food; then,
as his appetite grew by what it fed upon,
be ate deeper and deeper, until after
every meal he would sink into a heavy
sleep, only to awake with head on him
bigger than Daniel Webster's. He
would chew cloves and cardamon seeds
for hours, and yet you could smell his
breath across the biggest county in the
state. He saw that he was becoming q
slave to the accursed pie. His afBanced
bride, who to him was the one fair woman
beneath the sun, said she would never
marry a man that smelled like a distil.
lery that employed three hundred hands
and was in full blast all the time, and
unless he reformed she would be nothing
to him but sister. The young man
had all the sisters he wanted, and, fall
ing at her feet, he registered a solemn
oath, and had it copyrighted next day
that nince-pie should never pass his
lips again as long as he lived. But alas
he was already slave to strong pie, and
in less than twenty-four hours he tore
himself away from his sweetheart, who
made frantic grab at his coat-tails, anC
fed to his aunts in the city, and said h'
hoped she would have some Of her excel
| lent mince pies for dinner.


The good aunt, ignorant of the fac
that she was putting an enemy in hi
mouth TO steal away his brain. set ZEN
up. so to speak, and in less than two
| hours the young man was rip roarino
staving drunk, as usual. All, my friends
the story is a chastity one, and needs nj
establishment. While in this condition
the young man, the pride OF his parents
aud the hope of a woman's heart, wa
arrested for drunkenness and disorderly
conduct. On the way to the mayor.
| Office he shot the officer dead in hi
tracks, blew out his own brains will
another barrel of the pistol, and theI
went back and killed his aunt and do,
that he had paid three dollars for.


My friends and fellow su fferers, from
the mince pie to the tomb is but step
If mince pies must be made, 1 demand
in the name of the youth OF our country
that people who manufacture them b
compelled to take out a license. If the,
must be eaten, 1 beg, for your SOULS sal
vation, do not eat them straight.
serpent Turks in every oneof them. Tel
thousand devils lie beneath every crust
be it baked ever so nicely. Every cur
rant hides demon with forked tongu
of fame and seven-pronged pitchtork
The suet, the citron and the choppe'
meat are the broth of hell, and the Who'll
business from stem to stern is a meek
cry, and strong drink is raging.


In conclusion, my beloved hearer,
touch not, taste not, handle not--ente
not into temptations; or, in other word,
look not upon the mince pie when it
red, when it giveth its color in the cuE
board.