Year: 1877




AT the banquet given by the Ancient
and Honorable Artillery Company of Bos-
ton, TO the Putnam Phalanx at Hartford.
Tuesday. Mark Twain spoke as follows.


wouldn't have missed this for a great
deal. did not assemble at the hotel par


lors to-day to be received by committee
as mere civilian guest. No. assem-
bled at the headquarters OF the Putnam
Phalanx and insisted upon my right to be
guarded to this place as one of the mill
Iary guests. Applause and laughter
For too am soldier. l am Injured to


war. ! have military history l have


been through stirring campaign, and
| there is not even mention of it in any
history OF the United States or of the
Southern Confederacy. Laughter. To
such lengths can the envy and the malIg-
nifty OF the historian go. l will unbosom
my sell here, where cannot but find SYM
pathy. l will tell you about it and appeal
through you to justice. In the earliest
summer days OF the war | stepped out OF
Hannibal, Missouri [laughterl, with
friend, and joined detachment of the
rebel General Tom Harris army Il find
myself IN great minority here). Up
gorge behind an old barn in Rails county.
Colonel Rail swore us in. He made us
swear TO uphold the flag and the Conslitu-
ton OF the United States and to DESTROY
other military organizations that we caught
doing the same thing. [Great laugh
ter. In other words. we were to repel
invasion. Well, you see. this mixed us.
We could not really tell which side we
were on; but we went into camp and left
it to the God OF Battles, which was the
custom in that day. | was made second
lieutenant and chief mogul of a company
OF eleven men. who didn I know anythinp
about war-or anything. We had no cap
tain. My friend, who was 10 years old.
six feet high, three feet wide and some dis
tance through, and just out OF the infant
school, was made orderly sergeant. His
name was Ben Upper, and he had hard
time. When he was mounted and on the
march he used to 90 to sleep, and bis
horse would reach around and bite his leg.
and then he would cry and curse and want
to go home. The other men pestered him
good deal, too. When they were dis
mounted they said they couldn't march in
double file with him, because his feet took
up so much room. One night when we
were around the outside of the circle, in
the cold. said one: "Ben Upper put down
that newspaper. Ii casts shadow like
blanket. Ben said: II aint got any
newspaper" Then that other fellow said:
''Oh. see ! it's your ear" [Laughter.l
We all slept in Il corn-crib on the corn,
and the rats were very thick. Ben Upper
had been carefully and rigidly reared and
when he was ready for bed he would start
TO pray, and rat would bite him and he
would sit up and swear all night laugh
ter and keep every body awake. lie was
town bred, and did not seem to have any
correct idea OF military discipline. If I
commanded him to shut up he would say,
WHO was your nigger last year2" One
evening | ordered him to ride out on picket
duty about three miles TO the beginning OF
Il prairie. Said he '.What, in the night,
and them blamed Union soldiers likely to


De proving around there any time.r So
he would not go. Next morning Iordered
him again. Said he, "In the rain Pr He
didn't 90 again. Next day ordered him
on picket duty once more. This time he
looked hurt. Said he. What. on Sundayp
You must be a burned fool"
Plcketing was impracticable, so | dropp-
ed it from my military system. We had
a good enough time, there at that
barn. barring the rain and the rats and
The mosquitoes, and things. We lived on
both parties impactially, and both parties
hated US impartially. But one day We
heard that the invader was approaching,
so we had to pack up and move. Inside
OF twenty-four hour the invader was COM
ing again; so we moved again. Aud
next day he was after us once more. We
didn't like it much. but we moved laugh
ter Rather than to make trouble. Tnis


went On Tor week or ten days, and we
saw considerable scenery. Then Ben
Upper lost patience. He says War is


not what it is cracked up to be. Pm GO
ing home if can't ever get chance to


TooNCLUpEp ON FOURTH PAGK.l