Year: 1874

My Deaf Wife and Aunt.
| j had an aunt coming to visit me for
the first time since my marriage, and
/ don't know what evil genius prompt
ed the evil wickedness which perpe-
trated toward my wife and ancient re-
lation.


"My DEAR" said to my wife on the
day before my aunt's arrival" "you know
Aunt Mary is coming tomorrow; ; well,
1 forgot to mention rather annoying
circumstances with regard to her. She
is very deaf; and although she can hear
my voice, yet you will be obliged to
speak extremely loud in order to be
heard, but l know you will do every
thing in your power to make her agree
able"


Mrs. announced her determin-
ton to make herself heard, if within
her power.


( then went to John N, who
| loves a joke about as well as any per
son know of and told him to be in the
house at 6 P. NJ. on the day following
and felt comparatively happy.


l went to the railroad depot with q
carriage next night, and when was on
my way home with my aunt, l said:


"My dear aunt, there is one rather an
noying infirmi:y that Annie (my wife)
has which forgot to mention before.
She is very deaf, and although she can
hear my voice, to which she is aceus-
toned. in its ordinary tones, yet you
will be obliged to speak extremely loud
in order to be heard, am sorry for it.


Aunt Mary in the goodness of her
heart, protested that she rather liked
speaking loud, and to do so would af-
ford her pleasure.


The carriage drove UPON the steps
was my wife-in the window John N,
with face as utterly solemn as if he
had buried his relatives.


81 am deli GIFTED to see yOu," shrieked
my wife, and the policeman on the op-
posite sidewalk started, and my aunt
nearly fell down the steps.


''Kiss me, my DEAR" bawled my aunt;
and the windows shook as if with fa-
yer and ague. i looked at the window;
John had disappeared. Human nature
could stand it no longer. poked my
head into the carriage and went into
strong convulsions.
When 1 entered the parlor my wife
was helping aunt Mary to take off her
hat and cape; and there sat John with
his face buried in his handkerchief.


"Did you have pleasant journey 80
went off my wife like pistol, and John
nearly jumped to his feet.


''Rather dusty" was the response in
war hoop, and the conversation proceed
ed.


The neighbors for blocks around
must have heard it; when l was in the
third story of the building l heard eve
ry word distinctly.


In the course of the evening my aunt
took occasion to say to me:


s'How loud your wife talks:"
told her deaf persons talked loudly,
and that my wife being used to me, was
not affected by the exertion, and that
she was getting along nicely with her.
Presently my wife said softly


sAlf,how very loudly your aunt talks"


"Yes," said I, call deaf persons do.'
You are getting along with her finely;
she hears every word you say
And,I rather think she did.
Elated at their success of being un-
derstood, they went at it like hammer
and tongs till everything upon the man
tlepiece clattered again, and l was Sc
riously afraid of crowd collecting in
front of the residence.


But the end was near. My aunt being
of an investigating turn of mind, was
desirous of finding out whether. the ex-
ertion of talking was injurious to my
wife. So she said:


''Doesn't talking so loud strain your
lungs ?" in an unearthly whoop, for her
voice was not as musical as was when
she was young.


"Then why do you do it," was the
answering scream.


"Because-because-y can't hear if
| DON'T


"What.' said aunt, rivaling rail-
road whistle at the time.


l began to think it time to evacuate
the premises; and looking around and
seeing John gone, stepped into the
back parlor. and there he lay fiat on his
face, with his feet at right angles and
his body, rolling from side to side with
his fists poked into his ribs, and q most
agonized countenance, but not utteriug
a word. 1 Immediately and inyolun-
think from the relative position of our
| feet and heads and our attempts to re-
strain our laughter, apoplexy must have
ensued, if horrible groan which John
gave vent to in his endeavor to suppress
risibility had not betrayed our hiding
place.


In rushed my wife and aunt, who by
this time cemprehended the joke, and
such scolding as l got then l hope new
er to get again.


know not what the end would have
been if John in his endeavors to be re-
spectful and sympathetic had not given
vent to such groan and horse laugh
that all gravity was upset and We
screamed in concert.
! know it was very wrong, and all
that to tell such falsehood, but l think
that Mrs. Opie herself would have
laughed if she would have seen Aunt
Mary's expression when she was in-
formed that her hearing was defective.
Expanding the Lungs.