Year: 1879

sn-


A correspondent writes and wants
to know ''the proper methud of karv-
ing tirkey.''


A tirkeyl Let's seel Oh, yesi
You mean one Nv them burds what
they devour at pix niks. Well, that's
connundrum! We had never
thought about it. You see our lnowl-
edge of that species of vertebrates is
quite limited, as we could never see
enough ''tiat money" ahead to pos
sess one; but as you request it we
will advance our opinion ON the SUBJ
ject.


The first great obstacle in the way
of karving is to git the tirkey.
Now, you may have experienced no
difficulty from that particular, but it
has at times perplexed our mind con-
siderabiy. Some folks, who are Civ
en- to premature speculation, would
likely steal the egg from their neigh
boris setting hen and then await de-
velopments but don't you think it
would be as handy to steal the hen
and leave the eggs tor your mother
in-law's poodle which will be
sure to eat them and then suffer for
the whole affair? However, we will
suppose you are the happy possessor
and have the coveted monster located
some where in four thousand acre
field.


Now, then, to begin the karving,
you must ketch the tirkey. This
will be found a difficult task, from
the fact that a tirkey is armed with a
pair of tremendous lengthy legs,
which were made to order, and spe-
cially adapted to running.
Don't begin the chase alone. You
should call in your neighbors, and af-
ter you have pursued him few days
if he don't give up try grape shot
fired from a Gattling gun. Under
this lively treatment he is apt to be-
come intimidated and lie down and
enter into voluntary subservience.
But it seems to US before you begin
the chase it would be well enough to
try kind words; or, may be, you
could entice him into your power by
using the influence of some rare dish
made specially to please his taste;
or, if this fails before you begin the
chase, see if you can't coax him q
little with club. Now, then, be
sure you have got him; then tow him
to the house by the best possible
means, after which some methud
must be contrived to transfer him to
the oven. There is many ways to
accomplish this feat, but good der
rick will be found most expedient.
/ The mean time of roosting will de-
pend altogether on the age and sect
of the fowl in custody. If it is full
grown gobblur, for the karver's sake
don't take him out under twelve
days.


After he is thoroughly cooked
transfer to very small dish which
you may place on the table. This
done and you are ready for karving.
, First roll up your sleeves, then re-
, fleet q moment-thinking about
things awful-think desperately.
Pull your hair and get angry-then
close in ON him. Don't go at him
timidly. Don't use fork; if you
do, the first gouge you give him he
will flop up aud kick the soup over,
but just Jump right 'astraddle Nv him,
then yell for some tule to take his
head off. There is many different
kinds of tules that will execute this
task-but everybody to their notion.
Some people would call for pen
knife, but we would prefer broad-ax.


Be sure he is thoroughly decapitat-
ed, then you will have arrived at the
most difficult part Of tie work. AS
different ways oi .as29 tihAre is many
and in a case of this kind the manner
of operation may be determined by
the circumstances attending.


Some would suggest tunneling, but
this wouldn't agree with our patience
and appetite. A hungry man is liable
to fret and grow nervous before the
job would be completed.


It seems to us that blasting would
be the proper process. A little
giant powder, for instance,or gun-cot-
ton, or nitro-glycerine, or dynamite
or methlic hidride inserted between
his ribs would probably produce the
desired result. But, then, all these
things will suggest themselves in q
case of emergency.


If you are successful in this, you
need give yourself no further anxiety
about the matter. The job will be
complete. The tirkey will be karved.
When you have reached this point
if you need any assistance of kar-
, niverous karactur, and will notify us
to that effect, we will serve you In
that capacity as faithfully as any
gaunt, hungry editur in the state.