Year: 1879




An old and well-known citizen Of
Newport, whom we will designate as
the Colonel, had a series of nlishaps
the other night on account a an OBJ
stinate and irreclaimable door latch,
which were very distressing. Return
ing with his wife from party at about
midnight, he found that for some mex
plicabIe reason his pass key would not
unlock the door. To add to his per-
plexity three of his dogs, that had been
locked in the house, rushed to the hail
door and set up the most furious bark
ing, under the thin pretense Of mistak-
ing their master for a burglar. Sly
dogsl they knew better, no doubt, but
wanted to get credit for zeal in pro-
tecting the house from burglars. The
Colonel says, had real burglars assailed
the dOmicile, the dogs would probably
have jumped through window and
fled for their lives.


He fumbled away at the door for
some time, now blessing the lock and
again launching imprecations 1t the
dogs. "Confound this key-shut up,
you whelpsi-wish the man who put
on this lock had to swallow-curse the
dogsl-rn break the head of that lock-
smith-dry up, or I'll shoot every son
of gun Of your


The Colone's wife interposed, and
reminded him that swearing wouldn't
make the matter any better, adding
that the neighbors would surely hear
him, as several had raised their win
dows in the vicinity already. A truce
was called and a council of war held.
His wife said she could get in a back
window if she could gain the roof of the
kitchen, and the Colonel set to work
erecting a staging under the caves.
This was constructed of empty barrels
and boxes, surmounted by tin boiler.
On this precarious structure they
mounted, but Just as he had succeeded
in helping her on to the roof the plat
form gave way, and the Colonel was
sprawled on the ground, the dogs, who
had found their way into the kitchen,
redOubling their uproar and hurting
themselves against the kitchen door in
the most reckless manner. This action
on the part of the dogs made the Colo
mel madder than anything else, for
once when a burglar really made an
attempt to break into the house, every
dog he had ran and hid in the cellar.
This newly-developed zeal in defense
of the castle was quite overdone.


Another dilemma arose. His wife
found that she was unable to open the
window and she wanted to get down,
but the barrels and boxes by which she
had mounted were crushed under the
COlonel's weight and were not again
available. "Stay where you are,"
cried the Colonel, ''and will go and
fetch ladder"


There was an engine house a couple
of squares away, and going there he
borrowed q ladder, when, divesting
himself of coat and vest, for being fat
man he was perspiring freely from his
efforts, he shouldered the ladder and
started back. On the way he met
most of the people who had been at
the party, and they, recognizing the
Colonel, wondered what strange freak
had seized him that he should be Ing
ging ladder along the street in that
queer attire. Some-for there are un-
charitable people, always-chuckled
and said they reckoned the Colonel had
taken too much of their hosts wine.
Dub IL was nO GAAuO AO1 h1A4 " SUI AOA
explanations. Arrived at the house he
planted the ladder at the front and
started to climb up to the second-story
window. Just as ne reached the win
dow his two daughters arrived from
the party with their escorts, and not
recognizing the stout man in his shirt
sleeves as their father, but supposing
him to be burglar, they set up sim
ultaneous scream, while their beaux
yelled for the police. The dogs turned
in and did their best, too, and in a mo-
mentary lull a woman's voice might
have been heard calling for help from
the back roof


The Colonel made himself known at
length, and the situation was ex-
planned. He laughs when he relates
this singular combination of untoward
circumstances now, but he didn't see
any fun in it at the time Cincinnati
SATURDAY. NiQht.