Year: 1874

regard to my diet and stlmulants and
medicines, made most thorough and
searching trial, and as result managed
my body SO that ! could get the most
work out Of it. without essentially i'm
pairing it. III had said word about
this to my family it would have brought
such distress and anxiety on the part
of my wife as could not bear. l have,
for many years, SO steadily taxed my
mind to the. utmost that there
have been periods when l could not af-
ford to have people express even sympa-
thy with me. To have my wife or
friends anxious about it and showing it
to me would be just the drop too much.
In 1868 | came again into the same con-
dition just before going to England, and
it was for one Of those reasons why
was wishing to go. The war was at its
height, and | carried my country it my
heart. had the independent in charge,
and was working, preaching and lectur-
ing continually, and knew | was likely
to be prostrated again. In December,
1870, the sudden shock of these troubles
brought on again these symptoms in n
NOR. violent form. l WAS very much
depressed in mind, and all the more 80
because it was one of those things that l
could not say anything about, and | was
silent to everybody. During the last
four years these symptoms had been re-
peatedly brought on by my in
tense work, carried forward on
the underlying basis of 50 much
sorrow and trouble. My friends will
bear witness that in the pulpit | have
very frequently alluded to my cxpecta-
ton of sudden death. | feel that | have
more than once already been near a
stroke that would have killed or par
alyzed me, and l carry with me now, As
have so often carried, in years before
this trouble began, the daily thought of
death as door which might open for me
at any moment out of all cares and
labOrs into welcome rest.


Suspense and Doubt.


During the whole of the year 1871 I
was kept in suspense and doubt, not only
as to the future of the family-for the re-
union and happiness of which | had Ia
bored SO earnestly; but as the icCrcc to
which | might personally be subject to
attack and miScOnstruction, and trouble
which wonld be brought into the church
and magnifcd by publicity. The Off
GERS of the church sought to investigate
Titon'S religious views, | still hoped for
a change for the better, as it was pro-
proscd to drop him from the list oi MEM
bcrs for attendance and as he as
serted to me his withdrawal, this might
have been doubtful. His wife still at
tended church and hoped for his rcstora-
ton. | recollcct ofhavinG met with him
at a Convention. IN which he intimatcd
to me that he thought it not unlikely
that he would go back into his old posi-
tion, he seemed to hc in mood To- re-
grct the past, and so when | was urged
bv the csrnmittccc to take some steps, !
said that was not without hopes that
bv kindness Tilton will come back into
his old church works, and be one of us
again. / therefore delayed decisions upon
this point. For a long time many OF our
members were anxious and impatient,
and there were many tokens of trouble
from this quarter. Meanwhile one wing
of the female suffrage party got hold of the
story in distorted and exaggerated form,
such rs had never been intimatcd to me
bv Mr.. TiltOn or his friends. | did not
then suspect what l now know, that


These AtrociousIy False .RumOrs


Originated with TiltOn Himself


| only saw the evil growing instead Of



Mr.. Bcccher here details his efforts to
prevent the scandal from being mad"
public. which was threatened by the trial
of Tilton bv the church, and he sav> Of
Tilton: Il was 50 determined To- carry
out my pledges to Moulton for him, and
do all in human power to save him even
from himself, that ! was ready to resign
if that would stop the scandal. |
wrote letter of resignation
referring to the charges against me, but
declaring that


I Had Strivcn for YcarstO Maintain


Secrecy


q scandal affecting n family
in the church, and as ! had failed | here
with resigned. This letter WAS never sent
as a little calmrr thought showed me how
trutlc it would be- to attempt to stop the
trouble. mere useless >clf-saCritiCc, but
| showed it to M"ulton and possibly he
copied it, have found the original of
it in nv own house. If could at this
remember any OF the other let
tiers which | have written to Mr.. Moul-
ton | would do SO. lfhc has reserved all
my ctfu>ions Of feeling he must have a
large collection. | wished him to bring
them all before the committee, as should
have been glad to get such hints as they
may contain to refresh my recollection of
the facts. have no fear Of their full
and fair publication; for though they
would doubtless make a sad exposure Of
my weakness, grief and dependency.
They do not contain line conf">.ing
such guilt as has been charged upon me
or a word inconsistent with my innocence
nor any other spirit than that ofa


Generous RemOrse


over a great and more irrcparablc evil.


Gentlemen of the Committee. in the
note requesting your appointment |
asked that YOU should make a full inycS-
tigation of all the sources of information.
You are witnesses that | have in no WAY
Influenced or nterfcred with your pro-
cccdings or duties. I have wished the
to be so soaring that moth
ing could unsettle its results. ] have
to gain by any policy of sup
preston or compromise. For four years
| have borne and suffered enough. and |
will not 90 step further. | will be free.
1 will not Walk Under a Rod or Yoke.
If any man would do me favor let him
tell all he knows now. 1t is not mine :"
Law down the law of honor in regard To
the Use Of other persons confidential
communications; but So far "a my own
writings are concerned there is not let
ter nor document which | am afraid to
have exhibited, and | authorize any, and
call upon any living person to Produc"
and print forthwith whatever writing
they have. or any source whatever.
1t is time for the sake Of deCency and
l ,I.. The should h.