Year: 1879

"a My wife went off to visit some relation
, of hers, last summer, and had to "keel
:, house during her absence. Just befor
leaving, she threw her arms about my neck


kissed me, and sweetly remarked that sh


knew her ''dear Valentine would get alont
y. all right. l had my doubts about the mat
= ter, but told her to go ahead, enjoy her
4 self, rip around, and I would do the best
:, could, She was gone only two days, but
y great heavens, how did suffer during thes'
= two terrible days 1 have prepared brie1


journal of my woes on that occasion, which


l lay before you with that child-like faith


that has always characterized my actions,


asking you, meanwhile to drop a few tears


for the sake Of the writer.


First day Saturday. Got up feeling


lonely enough to talk politics with Digger


Indian; wished a dozen times in ten min


utes, that my wife was at home went out
to feed the pigs; couldn't find anything to
feed them WITH and decided to let them rip


until evening. Then / set about cooking


breakfast burnt my hands terribly while


building the fire swore a little; tried to


warm over some cold biscuits my wife left


burnt the last confounded one of them to


a cinder swore like thunder. By this


time l began to hear the voice of hunger


shouting in my stomach like a book agent


at the front door, and went to look for


some raw steak to broil discovered that


the cat had carried about thirds of it


off swore little moro, and mentally re-


solved to shoot that cat on sight; broiled


the balance of the steak and ate it, giving


what was left to the dog put the greasy


plates away until my wife should return;


never could wash dishes anyway went to


bed, and got up late in the afternoon, feel


ing very lonely saw the blamed old cat
and shot at her with the ak missed her


though and killed my best mlch COW went


to feed the pigs and discovered that they
had all escaped from the pen; rejoiced


greatly over the occurrence, for didn't
have anything to feed thom with, anyhow
went into the house feeling very lonely, |
and tried to make up some biscuits; couldn't |
do it though, and am of the opinion now |
that | must have put the wrong kind Of |
sugar in them got disguated with the bis
cult business, and chewed on the end of an
ancient Balogna sausage; drank gome cold
coffee that my wife left, and went to bed feel
lnnnlu. Ipnatnal that I inn |
mense biscuit, and that Captains Bogardus
and Carver were shooting glass balls through
me woke up; heard loud crash, and dis
covered that the internal old cat had knock
ed fifteen dollar vase into atoms swore
that I'd murder her the next morning, if
they hung me in every State in the land
for it,


Second day (Sunday.) Got up feeling
very lonely and wishing that my wife was
at home saw that cat again tearing around {
the house and growing worse than burst
meat knife, and came very near damaging
her some; missed her, however, and shat
5ered the best mirror in the house; swore
lgain like thunder; suddenly remembered
hat it was Sunday and hadn't said my
prayers ; took the family bible, read little d
nd then tried to pray; couldn't do it, a
hough; my thoughts were on breakfast, {
nd religion was Mt a discount boiled an d
I'D cheese rind, ate it and felt great deal h
,etter, and gave the remainder to the dog h
'ut away the dirty dishes until my wite's e
eturn; went to sleep feeling very lonely, G.
nd got up about dinner time, and feeling d
S empty as a suspended savings bank .
some corn and ate every grain d
f it; dog was standing near looking very a
ld and hungry; gave him the balance of I'll
le corn and put away the remainder for Il
upper; went to bed and woke feeling as st
'nely as an Esquimax hermit; felt hungry, pa
TO- but concluded 1 wouldn't eat anything th
didn't have anything to cat wife and ov
lildren were due at ten o'clock, and l all
aid up to meet them; waited, thought, tr'
,out half a century, and then hearing the us
ain, ran down to meet them; they came, tel
ID was the happtest man in the world, llg
anywhere else; kissed my wife til she sci
ought 1 was drunk; Rugged my eldest


y until came deuced near breaking his


ok; kissed the whole family all round WI
ain, TIL their faces didn't want washing lSS
r a week; wanted to kiss several other "n'
miles that were standing near, but they
jected, and didn't; felt good enough to
gin at Cape Horn and kiss every living
,ature in the globe clear to the North
10. z
Hereafter my wife stays at home ,


VALENTINE Vox. ,