Year: 1878

VARIETY.


Anger ALWAYS hurts us more than the one we
get mad at.


The best place for tipsy Italian opera singers
On the Rye-alto.


Make yourself necessary, young man, and your
success is certain.


An air-tight trunk is the latest novelty. The
key-hOle is hung on u strap fastened to the
DanbHrY NeI0S.


A devoted husband says phonograph is simp-
ly a machine that {" talks back, >" and he has had
one Of that kind IN his house ever since he was
married.


BeaconsieId says he wouldn't marry the Queen
for two reasons, but declines to give them. We
don't know what the first is, but the second is
that she won't have him.


Mistress to maid. who is trying to rid visitors
chamber of heas; '' You goose! Killing Heas in
the visitors room, when we counted on them to
drive our friends away!'


Riches by no means insure happiness, nor can
they make peaceful homes neither can the rigors
Of poverty destroy all the blessedness of homes it,
the beginning, love laid the foundation thereof.


Darwin says a woman loses ne-tenth of her
time looking for her thimbe, but fails to state
that this waste of time and more too, is fully
made up when she goes for the rolling pin on
hearing unsteady footsteps coming through the
front gate.


An old Scotchman ON marrying n very young
wife, was rallied by his friends the inequality
of their ages. She will be near me,'' he re-
piled, s' to close my Gen." I" Weel,'' remarked
another of the party. a. I've had twa wives, and
they opened my een.'


Making the best of 1t is good rule for every
body - What is the matter?" asked a lawyer
of his coachman. 50 The horses arc running away,
sir '' Can you not pull them up?' 81 am


~, L., a..
dical delay run into something cheap"


4 man might take himself by the seat of the
breeches and lift until his eyes bulged out his
checks and he couldn't lift himself an inch, but
let the business end of wasp get hold of the
same place and it will lift 4 man ten feet in a
second, and the wasp is only an insect, or bug
or something of that sort.


A London magazine says that light of British
science was lately visited by a Kentuckian ad-
mirer who said :" Sir, we admire your writ
mos. and have shown it. We have no academic
distinction to confer on you, having univer-
-sity; but we have done our best. We are q
racing people, and have named our best stallion
after you.


In front Of IT desk we placed n little sign
bearing the epitaph '' No time for CONVERSE
tion. Some bastard rubbed the and out of
the last word, and our minister came in and saw
it. He never comes to our house now unless
we're out and our daughter is growing quite
thin. We suppose it's because of worriment at
our neglect of religious duties.-N. Y. Dispatch.
Now they said to her, I" you can go in and
see him but remember that he is very sick with
heart disease, and don't say word that will
trouble him. Then she walked in, sat down on
the edge of n chair, and remarked cheerfully, as
she shook her head, IS Ah-ah um sad, amt
it? Thought I'd jest run in, cause they said
there wus no KNOWN how soon you might drop
off,


Those newspapers which are too proud or too
obstinate to retract any unjust or improper Ian
ouage which they have admitted to their columns
should profit by the example of exchange,
which gives notice as follows ' any subscriber
finds a line in his paper that he does not like and
cannot agree with, if he will bring his paper to
the Office and point out the offending line, the
editor will take his scissors and cut 1t out for
him.


THE MIcRoPHoNE IN THE PULPIT.-The Hdlifdr
CEngland) Guardian gives the following account
of an interesting experiment with the micro
uhone i microphOne was placed IN the pulpit
IF chapel in this town on a recent Sunday, and
connected by private telegraph line with the
residence of gentleman over a mile distant.
Every part of the service distinctly heard at
the gentleman house, with the exception of
few words rendered indistinct by the preachers
bscoming little excited, and shaking the micro
nhone. So faithfully did the instrument do Its
work that the chapel-keeper was heard to close
the doors alter service, walk up the aIsle and up
the pulpit steps in conversation with some one
else The idea is about to be put to practical use,
the gentleman already referred to having given
instructions that his house should be connected
with another in the neighborhood, in order that
an Invalid may hear the service from one of the
churches in the town.


A LADY VINO CoOKs.-An English lady who
can cook enlarges in lively letter to the Standard
ON one of the real grievances of the present day,
to wit. the number of utterly useless and idle
Young wives, who, being incapable themselves,
spoil their servants and then wonder that the
husband leaves the i-cooked meal, perhaps i'll
served also, TO dine at his club. They say, con-
temptuously, they were not brought up to that
kind of thing, and consider it beneath them. The
lady replies that she was not brought up to it
either, but she denies that it is beneath any
gentlewoman to try and contribute TO the comfort
of those around her. If she need not absolutely
work with her own hands, the mistress off house
should certainly have sufficient knowledge to di-
rect her subordinates, or they will soon discover
her ignorance and become insubordnates. Nor
need the absolute performance of these duties
interfere with other pursuits This lady confesses
that after pastry and cake-making IN the morning
her hand is too tremulous for her favorite oil
painting or to help her husband in the prepa-
ration of objects for his microscope, bat it is easy
enough to find some other occupation when this
is the and she has not lost her love for art,
nor her appreciation of science, because she is
happy enough to be lady who can cook.