Year: 1867

What should "a man do when his
boots leak? Take to his pumps, of
course.


The geological character of the rock
on which drunkards split is said to be
lquartz.


A vaunting demoiselIe of North
Carolina boasts of having received from
her young cavalier, letter 80 feet long.
Think of it, ladies-1O3 yards of poe
try, adjectives, ETC., etc.


The following somewhat remarkable
advertisement appeared in the columns
of recent number of a newspaper:
"Lost by a poor lad tied up in
piece of brown paper, with a white
string, German flute in an overcoat
and several other articles of wearing ap-
parrel."


A musician at an exhibition of scrip
tural tableaux having been requested to
play characteristic music for each scene,
convulsed the audience, when the sub
| ject of "Christ walking on the water"
was presented, by striking up "a life
on the Ocean Wave" and for that of
the "Prodigal Sons Return" the air of
"Johnnie Comes Marching Home"


A story is told of groom who had
enormous feet. The horse trod on one
Of them, whereat the groom flew into a
passion, swore and beat the poor beast
till by-stander interposed, asking why
he was in such rage. "Rage% shout
ed the groom: ''the beast trod on my
foot" Your foot" cycling its extended
surface; "why, the horse must put his
foot down somewhere"


Mrs. Partiugton says she can't under.
stand these market reports. She can
understand how cheese. can be lively,
and pork can be active and feathers
drooping-thatis, if it's raining; but for
her life she has no notion how whisky
can be steady, or hops quiet, or spirits
dull; nor how lard can be firm in warm
weather, nor iron unsettled, nor pota-
toes depressed, nor flour rising, unless
there had been yeast in it, and some
times it would not rise then.


Awestern paper tells story of a
distressed Agriculturalist:
ga farmer dropped in here, some
days ago to pay his tax, putting on a
long face to correspond with the times.
On entering the house he told the tax
| gatherer that times being so hard, he
could not raise the money at all, and
dashing bundle of greenbacks on the
table. There said he, that is all that
can pay The money was taken up
and counted. why, this is twice as
much as you owe.' 'Dangee' give it to
me again, said the farmer, 4 am dashed
i'll amt took itfrom the wrong pocket


A good deacon, away up in Maine,
recently, in addressing Sabbath school,
made point by the following anec-
dote:


"Children," continued the deacon,
"you all know that | went to the Legis-
lature last year. Well, the first day l
got to Augusta, | took dinner at the
tavern; right beside me at the table sat
member from one of the back towns
that had never taken dinner at tavern
before. Before bis plate was a dish of
peppers; and he kept looking and lcok-
ing at them; and finally, as the walters
were mighty slow in bringing on things,
lhe up with his fork, and in less than no
thine he souzed down one. The
tears came into his eyes, and he seemed
hardly to know what to do. At last,
splitting the pepper into his hands, he
laid it down by the side of his plate, and
with voice that set the whole table in
a roar, exclaimed, "Just lie thar and
cool"


While Phineas Rice, an early Metho-
dist preacher, was stationed in one of
the New York churches, be found that
many of the young people of both sex
es were accustomed to leave the church
before the close of the evening service.
1t annoyed him, and he determined to
stop it. The next Sabbath evening, be-
fore he commenced his sermon, he said !:


"Some of my brethren have been
greatly afflicted that so many young wo-
men leave the church before the service
is through. But | tell them they ought
not to feel so, for doubtless most of those
that go out are young women who live
at service AMI their mistresses desire
them to be at home at nine o'clock, and
if they are not at home at that time they
will either lose their places or offend
their mistresses, and they don't want to
do either. They must either go out in
time to get home at nine o'clock or stay
at home altogether This would be
very hard for them. And servant girls
have beaux as well as other girls, and
the young men have to go out and wait
upon them home; and so hereafter,
when these young women leave the
church before the service is over, you
will understand who they are and not
feel badly about it"


The brother who gave this fact said :
1--WE were no more annoyed after this;
thev either stayed away, or stayed till