Year: 1862

| What shall give you this week? The
usual plAtitudes about Christmas? Such is
the meeting of friends and geese slaughter
| of Turkeys ys;-devastatio of plum pudding
and pies Jack Frost very biting hot
fires very warming Santa Claus ;-remem
Der the poor and all that? Or, shall |,


after the unexceptionable milk-and
style of Mr. Neyer-Sin, tell story of the i'm


mortal coniugal He; who was. of course, all
wisdom and patience, and virtue and good
ness himself, but who was afflicted with a


wife who was not at all Son the contrary.
over whom he grived like forbearing saint? ?
And how, one day, nc came in and found
this mother Of twelve children, who had no
right ever to be nervous, or fretfulr although
she lay awake with them good part Of eve
~ night; and whose sphere being home"
consequently ought never to need a breath of
| fresh air. Shall tell yoa how, one day, he
came home and found this bad wife in . de-
pressed state of mind, which exhibited itself
in moist eyes and other shameful symptoms
and how this perfect He, grieved at the sight,
seated himself behind his newspaper until
such time as she should, kneeling, ask for
giveness for not being merry when he came
in : and how the more he waited the more she
didn't do it ; NOT of course because she didn't





naturally fend in human shape like all
other wives; and how, at last, tired of wait
ing this majestic He remarked that be was
sorry to see her so thankless for the good.
gifts of bountiful Providence. (meaning the
twelve children whom he himself saw for half
an hour every evening, and whom he request
ed to have put to bed early at that y and
how this bad wife only cried the more instead
Of falling on her knees and asking pardon for
being made of flesh and blood. and conse-
quently getting occasionally worn out like
her betters; and how, with sublime patience,
he did not cleave her head in two on the
spot, as he legally might have done, but
calmly resolved not to notice her much till she
did it and how that night he found her cry
ing again over her baby's crib; and how he
then made up his mind that she was sufici-
emily miserable to suit even him and how
he took her then and there to his manly
waistcoat, and how they lived in peace ever
after, owing to this his judicious manage
ment; and how the children from that time
became sanctifed young ones; actually pre-
ferring castor oil to molasses candy, and
arithmetic to Mother Goose; and how all
husbands and wives who read this story
should take warning that when wife is sick
or tired, she should laugh all the merrier,
las men do J and that the great He does
not-never dld-never willard ought not
to be expected to have, any patience with
any pains or aches, that he does not feel in
his own person.


Or-if you don't like this little story, " fit
to lie on the family table" suppose furnish
you with some g War sketches from the Cap
ital' after the manner of Hyppolite Hyacinth.
After giving you non-committal descriptions
of tea and dinner parties there; and giving
you the patterns of the tea and dinner SER
vice and telling you what the exquisite Mrs
Syllabub immortalized herself by wearing;
and at what hour the President changed his
clothes, and how long it took him by the
watch to do it, and suppose deplore that the
dear lady traitors who are 50 condescending
as to notice us Yankees, will be so killing
charming to man who is unfortunately un-
der the necessity of considering both his nor
thern and southern subscribers and suppose
l ride through the camps: and give you in
these War sketches a description of the tails
of the horses, and the noses of their riders,
and lingcr lovingly like funkey over the
young French Princes, and all that sort of
thing you know?


Well, | see very plainly there is no use
trying to suit you, so you may write your
own Christmas article, and merry Christ
mas to you Fanny Fern.