Year: 1869

with pleasure. AT first found myself olter
wondering how many weary days of confic
l must pass through before | should feel Sc
cure of victory, and then, how many more
before l should lose even the desire to taste
the accursed thing.


l experienced certain physical effects Of
abstinence even on the first day. | became
drowsy as soon as took up book to read
or closed my eyes and attempted to think
in spite of all my efforts to the contrary,
would fall asleep. This tendency increased,
and became more painfully overpowering foi
some time; after the habit had been thorough'
ly broken it disappeared. Some times the
sense of drowsiness was so strong, that
would feel it stealing over me while walking
Now and then was sense of confusion about
the head, accompanied with giddiness.V
There was also sense of fulness and heas
in the mouth and fauces, and much more
thirst than usual. was at times apprehen-
sive that serious results might follow the
sudden abandonment of stimulant so pow
erful, and so long INDUCED in. But all un-
pleasant symptoms gradually disappeared,
and no evil effects followed After two or
three weeks of abstinence, my craving for
the narcotic (which at certain stage of the
conflict began to decline, though it did not
altogether cease to exist, at least, ceased to
give me much trouble.


Though my physician had forbidden me
to chew at all, yet he had permitted me to
smoke, "to taper off on two or three pipes a
day." | allowed myself this indulgence af-
ter each meal, and then in very small guam
tity. The smoking enabled he to break off
the chewing more easily, but at the same
time increased greatly the difficulty of any
future effort to abandon smoking The graf
ification afforded by my three small pipes of
tobacco, can only be imagined by those whose
appetites have been whetted to an extremely
keen edge by long continued abstinence.
Yet the safety produced by the indulgence
in one pipe, was almost instantly followed
by craving desire for the stimulant, which
was constantly anticipating the stated time
for indulgence again, and longing for the
slow hours that would bring it on to roll
around.


[ was requested by my physician to come
again in a week. dreaded this visit The
permission to smoke was but a concession to
my weakness. l had been given to under
stand, that smoking was only less irritating
than chewing, not that it was not irritating
at all to the suffering throat. feared,
therefore, that on this visit, should be for
bidden even to smoke. No explicit com
mand was laid upon me in reference to the
matter, yet l was told that the use of tobac-
co in either of the forms, of chewing or
smoking, was irritating to an infamed throat.
I was left to infer that it would be best for
me to give it up entirely. | began to re-
fleet and reason upon the matter. | had
accomplished by great effort, the greater,
shall 1 refuse to put forth weaker effort to
accomplish the less, and thus utterly fail
l have removed the greater irritant, at the
expense of great self-denial, shall l leave the
less to work out its results, and retard, or
perhaps prevent recovery? 1 resolved to
reduce my allowance to two pipes day
Then followed no small conflict; appetite
plead with great earnestness and apparent
force, "you are too hard upon yourself, you
may seriously injure your health, this ire
sistible drowsiness, this confusion of mind
and giddiness of the brain will end in some
fatal internal lesion, if you persist in such a
course of abstinence" However, l turned
deaf ear to these pleadings. After had
formed my resolve, long before the stated
time for the indulgence that had been de-
cided against came, | had fierce, and clam
erous internal debate. The question on the
one side was, whether after all it would not
be as we'll to indulge, and the question, on
the other, whether it would not be best to
abstain. After 1 had succeeded in cutting
off one pipe from my daily allowance, the
same question that led to that curtailment in
my indulgence arose again, eff three pipes
cause a certain amount of irritation, and re.
tard or prevent recovery, then two will do a
proportionable injury to the parts. Indul-
gence in these two may render useless all
your previous effort and self. denial Then l
determined that / would reduce myself to
one pipe day. After a fercer struggle
than before, l succeeded in bringing myself
to this allowance. But this apparently lib.
eral compromise brought no peace. The
inevitable debate arose again, and ended in
the conclusion, that the smallest indulgence
might render nugatory all that had been pre-
viously done, that failing here, ] might fail
utterly of the great object for which had
struggled so hard and long. So ended in
doing that with which 1 oug int to have be-
gun.


When let go my last pipe, the clamorS
of appetite were loud and long, fears of
the ultimate influence on my health were
multiplied, and the struggle was intense.
determined to submit the matter squarely to
my physician, in the hope that he would de-
eide that might indulge in moderation, with
impunity, that I might smoke at least three
times day without doing myself injury, and
hinderinp nv ultimate recovery. T had