Year: 1862

the MISSOURI hePuOfcdn'


MosT WORTHY LocAL-Permit me to invoke
your most potent aid in remedying two grievOu'
wrongs that are perpetrated upon your humble
petitioner and confding public generally. The
subjects of my complaint are dogs and sidewalks.
First will proceed to lay before you the COM
plants 1 have to make against the latter The
dogs will afterwards speak for themselves.


In good old early days, when sidewalks were
unknown, man and beast took the same paved
pathwayyi;is is true man did not then, as now ex-
perience the delights of being cstled by clouds Of
crinone and sometimes lost to view in their float
ing folds nor did fair creatures then as now wear
trails to sweep the way before him; nor did man
then as now, when thoughtlessly stepping on the
hem of fair womens trailing garments, receive a
scathing look-that is even more beautiful in its
anger-and hear the ejaculation, "you ugly
thing from fair lips, whose words of scorn even,
are music on the ear. Man then experienced
none of these delights of modern pedestranism
but be was sure he trod upon firm foundation,
and that no man-trap lay in his pathway. But
now the sidewalks of this great city are full of
man-traps; there is a man-trap to almost every
twenty feet of sidewalk, in the shape of sort of
circular iron grating that communicates with a
mysterious chasm beneath, denominated coal
holes. These places are not only dangerous when
open, but often more dangerous when closed and
not secured. Your humble petitioner has been a
victim. not long since placed my confdng foot
on one of those closed gratings, when it gave way
and l descended-but fortunately the aperture
was not large enough to admit my whole person,
and l rested my case on the sidewalk | was not
angry oh no l thanked the kind gentleman
who helped me up again into the world, blandly
smiled in agony upon the proprietor, who said he
Lad " sent his man to fasen the thing" brushed
the dirt from my clothing and hobbed on
bruised limb for many days, with only feelings of
gratitude to the man who made the trap that he
did not make it large enough to admit the exit of
my person from this world of sorrow in that un-
dignifed manner. Some crusty property-holder
may reply to me, that if l do not like the walks,
l am at liberty to take the street. But will as
sure him that l am in no further danger 1t is
for fOrbearing and forgiving public that now
speak. am wary now-highwayry-and could
no more fall again into one of those traps than l
could have the smallpox twice, or be hung more
than once for offending the supporters of the man
trap system. Dear Mister Local. will you give
this matter the attention of your pen?


My second complaint, as l have before said, is
of dogs


Oft in the midnight dark,


Ere slumber's chains hath bound me,


hear the cursed bark


Of those whelps bowling round me.


live, Mr.. Local, at one of our great hotels and
bask in the sunshine of single blessedness, and en-
deavor to enjoy that peace and tranquility which
is only known to clear conscience, unrufiled by
"Mrs. Caude lectures" But alas for my peace.
there are two dogs in an alley near by, that bark
sumber from my eyeiids One of the canine vol
ces is deep bass, the other baritone, and they
blend into one ceaseless bark There is a third
dog that occasionally joins his voice with theirs,
but as | am not quite that he is not remon-
strating with them, I will ask a suspension of pub
lie opinion in his case until it can be investigated.


freely make the confession, Mr.. Local, that
am bachelor who sometimes chuckles in his
sleeve at his freedom when he sees among his
married friends the silken tie of matrmony get
into a snarL But common honesty $50 general
among bachelors) compels me to confess l am
seriously led to doubt whether any Benedict with
very new specimen of his progeny in close prox-
unity to his apartment, iskept more awake during
the night than | am by these canine revelers.


Now, dear Mr.. Local, cannot you do something
for me in my tribulation ? Can YOU, in your wis
dom, suggest remedy HALLE.


Aneodote of a Strange Character.


An anecdote relative of Dom Machado the
Counselor of the Portuguese Embassy who died in
Paris year ago, has just appeared in print:


That gentleman was great ornithologst, and
had formed an extensive aviary, comprising the
rarest species of birds, which had been his special