Year: 1859

mime had got mislaid-in the hope of find
ing something to guide my future course. As
the devil, or the dancing master, would have
1t, i opened and read how David danced the
fandango before the Ark of the Covenant, in
the streets of Jerusalem, and kicked so high
that his wife was scandalized. / closed the
book, smoked penny cigar, and felt better.


After smoking good SPELL and meditating
spell longer, | began a conversation with
myself, and says [: ssProfessor Snodgrass, if
You keep on this way you will soon be a mis-
cradle old cuss, and your latter end will be too
awful to think OFF, And then L entered into
an agreement with myself to reform immedi-
ateiy, and for this purpose 1t seemed advisable
to attend to the next ball, and strengthen my
moral constitution by acting an Indifferent
spectator, abstaining from all participation in
the deviltries of the OCCASION


The next ball soon came, and early in the
evening l washed my face uncommon clean,
and turned my cutwater in the direction of
the ball. A goodly company was assembled,
presenting glorious opportunity for man
of taste TO study the various ramidcations of
human and woman nature.


Ny eyes rested first on the splendid form
and expressive face of Mary Fitzgerald. She
was belle of the ball, beyond peradventure.
1t was difficult TO decide which fitted the best
her dress TO her person, or her person to her
dress. Each seemed made for the other. And
felt a throbbing sensation in the region of
the giZzard when she moved through the CO.
tillion with the graceful dignity and elegant
ease of an eastern queen. Thinks | 10 my
self: ssWhat shame it is that that magnificent
girl is destined, in after life, 10 be burdened
with the little cares and sorrows, and the lit
tie babies of this lower world.


Next on the list stood Maria Dram, the fai-
ry humming bird of that galaxy of beauty.
Her little feet, as they played on the floor,
sent forth soft melody that fell on my heart
like drops of honey on a hot rock.


The band played a waltz and my friend Jake
the dancing master, disappeared in a cloud of
imported muslin. While exploring for his
whereabouts, l became mentally distracted,
and, while in 4 state of halfway -betweenity,
l tumbled from the tower of moral rectitudc
into the middle of ''cheat and jig" / was
somewhat oblvious till young lady planted
herself right before me and come the double
pigeon wing. | held ont my hands and she
just touched them with the tips OF her fingers
threw her body forward to an angle of for
ty five degrees-and trotted around me in
circle of fifteen feet in diameter.


Before long another living specimen of the
feminine gender appeared in front of my cor
porosity, and when | held out my hands to
swing her, she just lifted her left elbow to
horizontal position, leaving her belt ribband
exposed much as to say: 1.-The coast is clear,
old hoss, if you want a genuine hug, wade in.'


Did you ever see half-starvcd jaclass walk
into hay-stack fyou did, you can gather
4 feint idea of how | walked into the exposed
territory of that lady's physical department.
Ny arm circumnavigated her waist in the twink
ling of Il lambs lateral appendage. and may
be her skirts didn't crack before / restored
her to the perpendicular.


am not responsible for what occurred after
that, for L was powcrleSs to resist the cur
rent as a bobtailed gander going over Niagara
Falls. 1 began to feel salubrious, and ina
gincd myself at a carnival of the graceS. Art
and beauty joined hands in the nuptial cere-
mony and love and melody tumbled promiscu-
ously in the frying pan of delight For three
agonizing hours / drifted through wilder
ness of flashing eyes, floating ringlets and fiut
tering pcticoats.


When the company went to supper, / found
myself scattered all over the room. Hastily
picking myself up. went home-went to bed
but didn't went to rest; for before l was
halt asleep dreamed that was on the other
side of Jordan, doomed to waltz through pur
gatory with "a partner four feet through the
waist. and four feet six inches high. Nothing
daunted | went on, and commenced kicking
the bed clothes up to the ceiling, and the foot
board out of the bedstead.


Let the curtain fall, time rolled onward in
to eternity since that awful night, and many
who drifted with me through the whirlpool of
excitement have s'gone home."


That was my last ball; have never been
to one since


am older now than l was then; there are
frosty spots in the under-jaw department of
my whiSkers but to my everlasting weakness
be it said, that il one of those institutions
called woman, should look sweetly at me,
within sound of an fired fiddle, L should
fly off the handle.


Perhaps the oldest inhabitants of New
Brunswick have not forgotten Mary Fitzger-
AID the belle OF the ball. There were many
others who flew over the floor of my last ball,
who, perchance ere this, have suffered penance
for the sin of dancing, while securing dinner
pots and spanking babies.


have written this veritable story neither
! in sorrow nor anger. And l recommend its
perusal to all who have any relish for quiet
rest and pleasant dreams.


If any man has the hardihood to enter ball
room after reading this warning, let him bear
in mind that the consequences, are on his own
head nv skirts are clear. That's all.
BALD EAGLE FROZEN TO THE lcE.-Several
davs ago large Bald Eagle caught Wild