Year: 1869

1


seem to awaken new energies; new
thoughts spring up as if one had stepped
into another world, where all is new or
differently colored. We had lived COM
fortably, with something TO spare. had
not thought it might not continue or of
the possibility of my fathers becoming
blind. Now saw ruin before ms. The
helplessncss Of the dear old man and
cheerful resignation made my heart ache,
He had long contemplated the probabi-
ity, but would not cloud my young fife
with the thought until it could be hid no
longer. Is long dreaded sorrow easier
to be borne, when it comes, or the sudden
shock of it, wonder?


Il saw plainly something must be done.
Nv father never could work for us any
more. | must work for him. But what
could | do? Again and again | asked
myself the question. First tried teach
ing-woman'S reSort-but soon broke
down under that and did not 60 out Of the
house again for two months. Not encour-
aging, surely. Next | obtained a situa--
ton where | could tend shop for few
hours in the busy part of the day. | sup
pose had not fully recovered my usual
strength. was not strong at best, and
that soon brought me down again. Then
tried sewing, but earned so little at that,
soon gave it mp in disgust.


what could do? Now | asked the
question with sickening dread had
not known before, amounting almost to
agony. \ slave bound hand and foot,
with all his soul alive for action. perhaps
feels something of what | felt then.
was not strong enough 10 labor at any
employment n stated time, every day ;
neither could leave nv father alone all
day Again and again asked myself,
What could | do? And, occasionally,
when alone, spoke it aloud and echo only
swered DO . think could have torn
her eyes out, had she not always kept
Just beyond my sight and reach. | want
ed 10 de-, only couldn't see the way
What human. whc'her man or woman,
would not become discouraged under
those circumstances Do YOU know?


Had | been man, with wife and
children to support, | probably should
have drowned myself, thus leaving them
to battle alone, while screncly reposed
inside the golden city But doubt me
very much if the suicide has much bet
ter time, after all, than il he had hrayely
battled for the good things of life that
are his, taken his share of life's good and
evil and cared for his little ones. instead
of leaving them 10 wander through, temp
tations and trials, uncared for and unkept,
alone. But TO return. | am always run
ming away from my subject.


II could not starye, nor sec my poor
ldtllcl eNtI W, ANU CpLIh Hol anu NOulu
not see him eat the bread of charity
But there il is again. What could do?
Night after night lay awake and tossed
ON my bed, and clasped my hands in dcs
pair, trying in vain 10 think what | could
do to keep us from want and then
| would pray as only the desperate can
pray but all to no purpose; the ravens
didnot bring food rs 10 one of old strength
did not flow along my veins 10 enable me
to DO the work OF life nor did spirit get
so far ahead of matter aS TO enable me TO
take no thought for the morrow After
4 time Nature would become exhausted,
and toward morning | would fall asleep.


Month after month went by in this
manner, and still no solution to our diff
cultieS. Father suspected our funds were
getting low, bat he did not know that the
last five dollars had been taken from the
box. and | had used three of that but he
rarely smiled, and my heart seemed ach-
ing lead.


Then it was that man came TO me.
What is he standing there so long for?
He asked me 10 become his wife. There
was relief! Would not grasp the hand
held out TO me? Here was the answer TO
my Ott-repeated question. Here is food
and shelter, and can care for his house,
and make it pleasant and inviting and
seem home.like to him. What matter if
| did not love him-can never come near
his soul life, nor lac mine? can prove
faithful in deed if not in spirit. shall
not be the first woman who has sold her.
self, soul and body, nor the last, fear,
for roof TO cover her head and bread to
put in her mouth.


while these thoughts were running
in my mind, Il told him must have time to
consider as the honor was altogether un-
looked for and unexpected. Take as
long time as You please, only don't say
no. and he was gone.


That night it came to me in my wild
unrest; could write. had never tried;
but there was voice within, telling me
| could do that. ''You know" it said,
you can do that, for power was given
YOU to move the hearts of men to nobler,
kinder deeds. Try, and sce,' and say
ing to myself Il will try fell asleep


"When woke, late the next morning,
distinctly before my minds eye stood the
outlines of my story. 1t had all been en-
acted before me. In dream life | had
Hred it. Now would write it that 9TH