Year: 1868

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 How to get rid of her, could not imag inc. To tell her plainly that | could en dure her presence no longer, was quite ou of my wife wouldhave been outraged to an lrreparable extent I was sitting in my study one evening, smoking my after din ner cigar, and painfully questioning my. selt as to the possibility of my suryiyina my visitor s presence during another month, when my eye fell upon the drawer where 1 had placed and forgotten my half dozen burglar-alarms. Hurrah!" shouted I, wa wing my cigar triumphantly. ''I've got the idea at last.

 Aunt Jane was at that moment passing by the door, and asked mo rather sharply If was in the habit of drinking punch by ymyself?" She knew perfectly well that l was not, but she merely meant to insinu ate that was intoxicated. So was, but with joy instead of punch.

 carefully laid my plan of operations and opened the campaign by reading the next morning from the paper, paragraph stating that gang of thirty desperate bur. glars had been seen in our immediate neigh borhood, q took care to tear the paper in order to light cigar before any one had an opportunity to discover that this para graph was wholly an invention of my own). All breakfast time I discoursed of robbery and murder, until the female portion of my household was in delightful state of ner- vous apprehension. That night, when I told my wife that the burglar-alarms must be placed on every door, she acquiesced without the slightest hesitation.

 In the morning made a point of for getting to remove them. Consequently, aunt Jane in opening her door, immediate ly exploded one, and, with direful scream, fainted away. She came to again in time, and recovered sufficiently to explode sever- al more in the course of the day.

 For three days l remained at home, and devoted my whole time to secretly reload ing the discharged alarms Like the most ot her sex, Clementina and her aunt were wholly ignorant of firearms and thought they exploded without the aid of powder. My share ln promoting the discharges that constantly rang through the house, remain ed, therefore, undetected. It was like pratracted Fourth of July, for hourly the stunning report of the alarm was echoed by the gleeful shouts of the children, who enjoyed the thing immensely My aunt dreaded to open door. Still, she said

 

 fear that her courage would outlast my powder, when, on the third night of the campaign, fortune came to my support in an unexpected and decisive manner.

 In spite of the continuous statements that l read from the paper detailing horri- ble murders committed by desperate burglars q rose full an hour before my accustomed time each morning, in or der to obtain possession of the paper). I need not say that I totally disbelieved in the existence of robbers ill our neigh PSrhS9d on th9 pght e aRes9no 9enho h9W CT part of the house. Robbers at last, I whispered to my wife, and rising hurried ly, threw on few clothes, and taking my revolver stole softly to the head of the stairs. It was perfectly dark, and I could see absolutely nothing, but could distinctly hear some one groping his way along the lower hall. Convinced that 1t was in real ity case of burglary, suddenly called to the fellow to surrender at once, or he was 8 dead man. There was no reply, but the steps began hurriedly to recede. and in an other moment the burglar fell over chair with loud crash. Almost at the same in- stant fired Tn the direction of the sound. A ghastly groan answered the discharge of the pistol, and then all was still

 l went back to my room, and procuring a light returned to the hall. What was my horror at finding aunt Jane lying senseless on the floor.

 I rushed to her side, and picked her up just as consciousness return ed, aud she be- gun to cry out that she was killed. was really afraid that I had shot her, but soon found, that, though badly frightened, she was uninjured. My ball had entered the wall at some distance from where she was lying, and had done no damage except to the plaster.

 gradually learned that my unfortunate relative had risen during the night ill search of water, and that. in endeavoring to reach the ice-pitcher in the dining-ro she had exploded the alarm which I had placed over the dining-room door. The noise frightened her so badly that she was returning to her room without the water, when she heard my demand for her sHrren- der. In her fright she did not recognize me; but in her turn mistook me for bur glar and was trying to escape from the house when I fired upon her.

 Nothing would convince her that had not tried to shoot her, and though she did not directly accuse me of an attempt at murder, she sniffed incredulously at my ex planation. She said that she would go as soon as daylight appeared, for her life was not safe in my house. I am inclined to think that she was right. To be continual ly snifed at, will render the mildest man r, uvIu aud loft ns in the morning, &, vowing that she would never m Due re. maeinarS n ea9a aa o tpas read t9 my wife an tire gang of burglars infesting our neigh borheod, and immediately thereafter dis continued the use of the alarms. As aunt Jane will never pay us another visit, do not know that have any further use for them, and will therefore dispose of them at half price to any one afflicted with un- desirable relations. Judiciously used in such cases they cannot fail to drive out the most determined visitor

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