Year: 1868

The following letter was addressed to
young friend who had fallen in love with
girl, and was about to start out on cam
paign against her. The subject possesses
universal interest, and if by my comments on
it | shall succeed in helping some poor stran-
ger over the thorny way to matrimony
shall be amply repaid, although the fact
would not cause me to reject with indig-
nant scorn any ten dollar bills sent to me by
my fellow creatures whose hearts overflow
with gratitude.


| am not mercenary, but life, beside being
a troubled dream, is expensive, aad butter
is eighty cents per pound.


My Dear Friend.-Before you begin your
assault upon the affections of Miss Smith.
with whom, you tell me, you are in love- let
me offer you few words of counsel. Never
be ashamed to take advice from an older man
than yourself Gray hairs bring with them
wisdom and discretion, and he who with
simple reverence heeds the words of warning
that fall from aged lips, and guides his foot
steps thereby, will win enduring success,
and be blessed in his generation. 1t was a
venerable whte-haired old man who taught
me always to 90 it alone in euchre when
had both bowers and the ace, and look at me
now | am the father of five children, and
owe my tailor one hundred and seventy-fve
dollars that | can't pay. Believe me age
brings with it that experience which time
alone can supply.


In the first place, my boy, when you 90
courting, never start out on the principle
that you can make a good thing of it by
crOxding up on the young woman's parents.
Confne yourself strictly to the offspring. 1t
is a we'll established rule in amatory science
that the girls consent is absolutely necessary
to success, while that Of the parents is not.
You can marry her against the parental wish.
but no matter how much they may like you,
you don't stand the slightest particle of
chance if she does not smile upon you.-
Indeed, most girls rather like man who
shows that he don't care a cent whether the
old people like it or not.


Let me advise you as the earliest step, in
fact, to get the old lady down on you, if you
can. If she can only be bribed to cut you
up rough to her daughter, and finally souse
down in the parlor some night, and forbid
you coming to the house, you can 90 down
right off and order white waistcoat, for that
thing may be considered as fixed.


No glr worth having would fail to fall in
love with fellow who has been abused on
her account


On the same principle, if any other vaga-
bond and foolish youth is prowling around
trying to walk into that young woman's holi-
est emotions, hold yourself in, no matter how
mad you may feel about it. and. instead oil
saying had things about him. praise him up
rs good fellow, who means we'll. and at the
same time intimate that you consider him OF
not much account in a general wav.


She will like you for your magnanimity
and desplse him because you patronize him.


Women are like the nightmare they al.
ways go by contraries.


Make up your mind to block the little
game of your rival. Always have engage
ments week or two ahead with your angel.
and ask her to go to the opera before the
sale of tickets begins. He, like a genuine
jackass as he is, will very likely wait until he
buys the pasteboards


Never let him sit yvu out either. When you
both happen in together of an evening. let
him do most Of the taking of first. and
about the time his limited stock of ideas be-
gins to give out, you will come up smiling,
and he has either got to sit there like a lot of
dead wood, or else go home.


If he stays too late for decency, get up and
say to him in a pleasant voice, Come,
William, it is getting late; we had better
go" And he will rise up and come along.
gritting his teeth, and swearing inwardlv at
you.


But you needn't care, for you'll know you
have soft thing on him.


When you pop, dent go to straddling
around on the floor on your knees. 1t is not
only ridiculous, but it is destructive of trow-
sers. Stand up to the rack and take your
fodder like man. Grab her by the hand.
and talk to her in business-like wav. If
she says yes,' you don't need any instruc-
ton F; the whole business is ad libitum. If
she happens to remark mo-" but thinks she
can always regard you "as a friend" don t
make any observations about suicide No
girl was ever worth going to the cold and
silent grave for, you know. and you may
nave chance to sail in again, and win


L know a man who broached the subject
eighteen times to the same girl and he got
her at last. Persererentia ct patientia riacet
Omnia. Never say die. There is no last
ditch in love. The case only proves hopeless
when the girl dies.


Never talk to her of love in cottage bv
the sea. Four story brownstone houses with
gas, water. and all the modern conveniences,
and back staircase, is what she wants.


If when you ask her to have you she saws,
" Not much. | won't" don t despair ; may
be she will little. But don't consider your
self accepted because she rejects you twice.
Two negatives make an affirmative in gram
mar, but not in courtship.


If she has any little brothers and sisters.
let them maui you, and fool around you, and
put their greasy hands your clothes. and
pull your hair. and make themselves gener-
ally disagreeable. 1t has good effect.


Never write personal to a girl. A friend
of mine did this once, and made a mistake,
and directed it to the sister of the one be
wanted, and this old sister, you observe,
accepted him by return of mail, and then
because he wouldn't marry her, her pa came
down and fogged him, and she sued him for
breach of promise, laying her claims at $50,
900, and she got it.


Lacerated affection is expensive, my boy.


When you are engaged, don't 60 down the
next day, and spot around after a house, nor
begin to buy furniture cradles and one thing
and another. Women's minds are like ten
dollar bills, liable to change, and she may
think better of her bargain, and take another
man. Then you have got to get up an auc-
ton of the most ridiculous character.


L. Il