Year: 1867

o.
for you. You need no directions. You
can get drunk as often as you please, be
guilty of robbery, assassination. battle.
murder, sudden death and privy eouspira-
cY, and make your wife believe, by means
of single kiss, that you are one of the
saints of the earth.


For those husbands who only apparent
". not ueally, have mastered the hearts Of
their wives, we lay down the following di-
rections


If on your wedding night you failed to
get drunk and break all your mother-in-
laws croekery. do something equally out
Fageeusaa soon possible Yeu eili
then always be able to scare your wife into
submissions by reminding her Of what you
have done, and what you may be provoked
to do again.


If your wife Is fond of entertaining, and
you are not, wait ,ili her fashionable
friends are assembled at the house, and
then walk into the parIor with nothing on
but your shirt and stockings. It viii
doubtless have the effect of making 'the
company fly the room"


II you are fond of smoking a pipe, and
your wife complains of your breath on ac-
count of it. eat onions; it will make her
forget the pipe.


IF you have a baby, groan as if your
last hour had come. whenever it begins
squalling atnight. You viii not then be
called upon to walk it.


AS sick rooms are snob eRsant, always
have business that viii keep you down
town the whole day, and half the night,
when your wife is sick:


When you get Rome @fio1r @ clock in
the morning, after having lost a months
earnings fighting the tiger, or playing a
.s.game Of draw" with yoar friends, tell
your wife that your business is getting so
large that the labor of carrying it on is
breaking down your constitution. and you
must take ina partner; but when she men
tions a new dress. shake your head and
talk about economy and hard times.
If your wife IS very religious and fond
Of entertaining ministers, take advantage
Of the FIRST opportunity to insult one of
these gentlemen in your own house. It
can be done with perfect impunlty, and
will deter others from calling during meal
hours, or any other time.


If your circumstances are such that you
find it necessary to practice economy. be-
gin with your table, and dine every day at
a restaurant.


There are certain little things that must
be done daily by ere or the other Of every
married couple. Impress upon your wife
that the performances Of these is very dis
tasteful to you, and so force her to attend
to the whole of them herself Among
these is the kindling Of the fire in the
morning, if you have no servants Lie in
bed and let your wife do it.. Also, wait for
her to pour out the water-for you to wash,
brush your clothes, and place your slippers
by a chair before the FIRE. When all is
prepared, get out of bed and dress your
self. taking care not to show. by word or
look, that you appreciate the little atten-
tioDs that have been shown you. But If
you find any of them have been overlooked,
be very cross aud fretful during the rest
of the morning.


When you are asked to 60 out and make
an evening call. complain of very. bad
headache.


Make it point never to praise any dish
on the table, especially the one to which
you know your wife has given herPersOnaI
attention. Such course will suppress
any lurking vanity there may be in hel
nature.


When you are in room together, al
ways occupy the most comfortable seat
after having offered it to her in such way
that she can't, with any propriety. aceeP
it.


Give her the choice Of any dish you arr
carving, after having repeatedly informed
her what parts you yourself prefer.
Keep her in perfect ignorance as to tbs
condition cf your business, although ,sh'
is-as deeply interested 10 it as yOH are. ane
no inj ury can result to it by your telling
her all about if. By keeping 1t to yoursel
you have the satisfaction of feeling that YoI
are superior to her because you know whA
she does not.


IF from any cause you are detained a
home, and find the time heavy on you
I hands, it may be that your wife is interest
ed in a novel that she is about half through
I with. Take it from her as you -wisheS
merely TO glance at il sit down and reac
/ Il by the hour. She, in the mean time
may amuse herself with sewing.
If you do not keep a carriage, and you
, wife tells you that she aud the ehildrer
reed an airing, tell her to wait for the deatl
of one Of her friends. when she. may rid'
! to the funeral free Of cost.
, If any Of your wife's relatives come L
= -.