Year: 1860




"DD you tell him aiterward that it was mis-


take, auntie-or couldn't ycu:' asked Nellie.


81 resolved to tell him, dear, as soon as had
an opportunity, but the opportunity did not
come it never does come when you wait for it
in this way, intending TO do something right but
very painful, and putting it Oft till it grows ca
ser 1t grows harder instead, for the web in
which you have entangled yourself becomes
stronger every day and hour.


THUS it was with me. At first kept silence
that might enjoy small triumph over Susan
nah and put a check on the tongue that was so
ready to pity my ignorance and want of capae
ity then, when was alone with Allen, and re-
ally had taken breath to speak and undcceiye
him. he said something that made me aware how
great his disappointment would be at the disclo-
sure, and while yet hesitated, something or
other took or my attention and his 10 other
things. Then, Nellie, when some days had
passed by, and the consciousness of the false
hoods that by silence or by implication had
told pressed upon me, far worse dread thaa
the fear of disappointing Allen kept me dumb;
feared that | should sink irretrievably in his
esteem if he knew ALL that he would never trust
me, or rely on me again, and now could not tell
him.


"Susannah had left us, but I had created
world of wrctcheiness for myself by this deceit
put the book very carefully away; stll feared
that Allen would meet with the essay elsewhere,
or that he would ask me for some similar pro-
dlction. Such fears as these were never ont OF
my mind, and beneath them all was back
ground of remorso and wrctchelness. Every
morning I awoke with dim consciousness of
some great burden that must take up and bear
all dly-eyery night looked forward to the
stupor of sleep as to an escape from tormcnting
thoughts


about this time became aware that Cod
was going to send me great blessing-a little
child. AT first, the many new hopes and cares
that occupied me took my attention away from
my great trouble but after awhile they only
made me more miserable than before. You
know, dear child, that when God sends little
baby into the world, he sometimes calls away the
soul of the mother; felt sure that this would
be the case with me, that was too fallen aud
sin-staincd to be trusted with the innocent soul
that was coming In vain reasoned with my
self and remembered that anything like direct
Judgment is very rare, and that TO many erTing
and unworthy mothers this great blessing is
sent /: strong impression had taken hold Of me,
and could not reason it away.


Al.
thickly on the ground, mufIling all the usual
sights and sounds about the house, little baby
was laid by my side, and for one day, Nellie, just
for single day, forgot my trouble, forgot ev-
erything in the world except my new happiness
In the evening the baby died


cater that for some time I remember moth
ing | cannot tell whether they gave me med
icine to stupefy me, or whether | was i'll and
insensible; but it seemed for long time as if
slept, and afterward, for great while longer. |
was conscious of nothing but my loss. ! had
never anticipated anything SO dreadful as this.
had thought that I should be taken from the
child that would be hard enough; but not that
it would be taken from me- coming just to draw
out all the strong mother-love in my heart and
then going away again and leaving it empty and
desolate. Then came another thought bit,erer
still-the child that was dead to me was alive to
God before long I, too, must enter eternity, and
how could |, all stained with fiilsehood and de-
ceit, hope to find and claim this sinless soul p
In kind of halfdream could sec myself stand
ingas ON the threshold OF Heaven | could catch
a glimpse of my baby's face within, q could see
nothing more, Nellie, but that made it Heaven,)
and when I stretched out my arms it seemed to
fade away from me and grow dim, and felt that
my deceit and falsehood were separating me
from it.


81 awoke up and reused the nurse, who slept
in my room, for it was night; surprised her,
she said afterward, by speaking quite quietly
and reasonably, and told her she must call Al
len, and ask him to come and speak to me. He
thought, l believe, that felt myself dying and
was at my side almost instantly, but found me
on the contrary great deal better. Itold him,
as briefly as could, for was very weak, the |
whole story did not then so much mind losing
his good opinion, only waate to shake myself
clear of this web Of untruth, that the sin, con-
fessed and repented Of, might be forgiven, that l
might be fit to meet my child acain.


ALLEN only said some quieting words at the
time, but aflerward, when had recovered, be
blamed me in his gentle way for the want Of con-
idence in his love for me, that had made me SO
oFer-anxious about my ignorance Of books and
book-learning and when felt how wei he IN
derstood and sympathized with me, 1 saw more
clearly than ever how very foolish had been,
for he loved me for myself and not for-anything
wise or clever that could do Now, you see
that it may be quite as hard to be unjustly prai-
sed as to be unjustlv blamed"