Year: 1867

JUNE 26, Is


Caring Cold.


:. Mark Twain gives his experience in cur


ing his cold in 80 quaint and unique q
style, that we copy it in full for the bencfi,


oi our readers ..


! It is a good thing, perhaps, to write for


the amusement Of the public, but it is q


far higher and nobler thing to write for


their instruction, their profit, their actual


ard tangible benefit. The latter is the sole


Object of this article. If it prove to be


tlB means of restoring to health one solita.


rysufferer among my race, Of lighting up


one more the fire of hope and joy in his


faded eye, of bringing back to his dead


heart again the quick, generous impulses


Of ether days, / shall be amply rewarded


for my labor my soul will be permeated


with the sacred delight Christian feels


when he has done good, unselfish deed.
Having led pure and blameless life,


l an justified lin believing that no man


who knows me will reject the suggestions


l am about to make; out of fear that am
trying 10 deceive him. Let the public do
itself the honor to read my experience in


doetorihg cold, as herein set forth, and
then follow my footsteps.


When the White House was burned in


Virginia, lost my home, my happiness,
my constitution and my trunk. The loss
of the two first named articles was mat
ter of no great consequence, since home
without mother, or sister, or distant
young female relative in it to remind you,
by putting your soiled linnen out of sight,
and taking your boots off the mantle piece,
that there are those who think about you
and care for you, is easily obtained, And
! cared nothing for the loss of my happi-
ness, because. not being poet, it could
not be possible that melancholy would
abide with me long.


But to lose good constitution and o
better trunk were serious misfortunes.


On the day Of the fire my constitution
succumbed to severe cold caused by un-
due exertion in getting ready to do some
thing. suffered to no purpose, too, be-
cause the plan ! was figuring at for the ex-
tinguishment of the fire was so elaborate
that l'never got it completed until the mid
dls of the following week.


The first time began to sneezc, O good
friend told me to 90 and bathe my feet in
no. water and 70 to bed. l did so. Short
ly afterwards, another friend advised me
to get up and take cold shower bath.
did that also. Within an hour another
friend advised me that it was policy to
"fted cold and starve fever.'' l did
both. So thought it best to fill myself
up for tho cold, and then keep dark and
let the fever starve while.


In a case Of this kind, l seldom do
thing by halves. ate pretty heartily. l
conferred my custom upon stranger who
had just opened his restaurant that morn
ing. lie waited near me in respectful ST.
lence until ! AID finished feeding my cold,
when he inquired if the people of Virgin
ia were much afflicted with colds told
him l thought they were. He then went
out and took in his sign. started down
towards the Office, and on the way encoun-
tered another bosom friend, who told me
that a quart of salt water taken warm,
would come as near curing a cold as any
thing in the world. l hardly thought l
had room for it, but tried it anyhow. The
result was surprising. ! believe threw
up my immortal soul,


Now, as l am giving my experience on
~ for the benefit of those who are troubled
with the distemper am writing about, l
feel that they will see the propriety of nv
cautioning them against following such
portions of it as proved inefficient with me,
and acting upon this conviction, l warn
them against warm salt water. 1t may be
good enough remedy, but l think it is
too severe. If had another cold in nv
head, and there was no Course left me but
to take either an earthquake or quart of
warm salt water, l would take my chances
on the earthquake.


After the storm which had been raging
in my stomach had subcided, and no more
good Samaritans happening along, went
on borrowing handkerchiefs again and
blowing them to atoms, as had been nv
custom in the early stages of my cold; un-
til came across lady who had Just ar
we'd from oyer the plains, and who said
she had lived in a part Of the country
where doctors were scarce, and had from
necessity acquired considerable skill in the
treatment of simple ''fa,nily complaints"
l knew she must have had much expert
ence, for she appeared to be hundred
ID 6ftv years old.


lasses, aqua toTtfsection composed of mo-
other drugs, and instructed med various
wine-glass full every fifteen minutes. 4
never took but one dose; that was enough.
1t robbed me of all moral principle, and
awoke every unworthy impulse of my ma
ture. Under its maligne influence NV
brain conceived miracles of meanness. but
my hands were too feeble SO execute them.
At that time, had it not been that nv
strength had surrendered to a succession
of assaults from infallible remedies for INV
cold. | am satisfied would have tried to
rob the graveyard.


Like most other people, l often feel
mean, and act accordingly but until l
took that medicine had never reveled in
such supernatural depravity and felt proud
of it. At the end of two days was ready
to 60 doctoring again. took q few more
unfailing remedies, and finally drove nv
cold from my head to my lungs.


got to coughing necessarily, and my
voice fell below zero conversed in |
laundering bass, two octaves below INV
natural tone could only compass nv
regular nightly repose by coughing myself
down to state Of utter exhaustion. and
then the moment l began to talk in INV
sleep, my discordant voice woke me up
again.


My case grew more and more serious
every day. Plain gin was recommended
/ took it. Then gin and molasses with
onions | added the onions, and took all
three. dected no particular result, how
ever, except that had acquired breath
like buzzard's.


! found | had to t,avel for my health.
! went to Lake Bgler with my repotorial
comerade Wilson. Tits gratifying to me
to reflect that we trayeed in considerable
style we went in the rioneer coach; and
INV friend took NIL his hsl,ro .o ,~:th 'h: l