Year: 1861

A short Patent Sermon.
BIT DOW, JR.


Seek good wife Of thy Ged for she Is the best gi
His providence.


My Hearers: No rational man ever We


had even soft-shcll doubt crawl into hi


mind that good wife is o good thing-ar


ticle, untcnsil, or ''institution."
This being conceded, we arrive at start


ing point. Our text says, my un.weddet


brethren, you must seek GOOD wIrE-th,


best gift Of Gods providence-of the grea


Disposer of human events and marriagea


bic women. That's SO. By looking to sucl
a source, you arc sure to get one of tn,


right stamp, containing the pure metalli,


ring--not one composed of counterfeit vir


tues, or made up Of zinc and pewter pre-


tensions. And what is more, it isn't going
to cost you anything neither at the begin
ming nor at the end, except new suit o.
clothes. q plain gold ring, and ten dollar
piece for the parson-which is my standard


price, and ''I'll have no more and ncve,


take cent less"


The Devil, my beloved bachelor, always
has great deal of femenine truck in mar.
ket, for which you have to pay pretty
roundly or let it alone. Generally speak.
ing, to get one of this sort, you must show
a plethoric purse in the beginning, and give
it a good sweat at the start-and this, breth.
rem, is the literal meaning of the Greek
quotation 1.-The DEVILS to pay" Afterwards
your purse will probably sweat itself into
. galloping consumption, and dissolve and
disappear, like the basclcss Fabric of q
vision, or . pound If salts in a quart of
warm water. Then dark cloud will lower
upon your shanty; love, If it ever gained a
residence in your hearts will suddenly smi-
crate from such an arctic region-want and
wretchedness will stare you in the counte-
nance, like couple Of cat owls watching q
gopher by moonlight and unless relieved
by a divorce, the devil gets pair of you in
the end.


My friends: Every man, be he good or
bad, should have a good wife. If he be
good, she will make him still better mem
Der Of society; if bad, but not wholly be-
yond redemption, q good wife will put a
new surface upon him in two weeks; and at
the end of single year he will have under.
gone such thorough renovation that he
won't know himself from the seventeenth
commandment. If thou art given to fret
ting, and don't know what to fret about, it
is we'll to provide thyself with home, and
furnish it with good wife and few little
white headed ct ceteras, then verify thou
canst fret to thy souls content, and the
good wife will probably heed it not, but let
it run itself out-as it most assuredly will,
in time Thou shalt fret:


1st. Because the fashions change with
every moon, and it takes too much change
to keep wife rigged according to Gunter.
to think about, is worse than the seven-year
itch.


Sd. Because the hoops to the vinegar bar
rel are always flying off, and wife wants
coopering once in every two months.


4th. Because the coffee is too delicate and
butter too robust; eggs geological speci.
mems; meat not cooked-half cooked
cooked to q cinder; potatoes soggy; tur-
nips pithy; pie Gust hammered out at the
and the shortening" omitted
on account of its extreme length.


9th. Because the childrens faces are so
dirty they'll never be able to speak Eng.
lish.


9Th. Because there is nothing in its place,
except the cat in the milk pitcher, and the
evening newspaper in the slop pail.


But, as before said, thy fretting will run
itself out in time, if not meddled with; and
thou shalt afterwards become worthy of
good wife, who has not only borne it all
without q mumur like duck in a hail-storm,
but with thousand apologies, garnished
with the sweetest of smiles, promised an
extra endeavor to suit you for the future.


Worthy bachelors Seek good wife Of
your God, and you will find it an easy mat.
ter to scare up one. What I mean by q
GOOD wife is one plump as partridge, about
full Of common sense, and the
other third filled with trimmings for the
same, one moderately addicted to crinoline,
hounces and tight lacing-whose heart il q
magnet that shall draw you to her side,
and induce yor to spend the major part Of
your evenings in her sweet society; one
whose inherent charms are such as, in all
your wanderings will ever lead you to cx.
claim, "there's no place like home'-one
who will keep buttons upon your shirts,
and put polish upon your manner; one
who can make good pot pie, as well as
play upon the piano; and above all, one who
knows how to prepare nice stuffiing for
turkey on Chistmas. I''hollcr" on that
But beware Of your strong-minded, double.
jointed sort, and blue stockings in general.


Bachelor miners: don't know that you
are SO wrctchedly in want of a wife as
good many others; but you know your own
wants the best. If you are weary, and feel
life to be sort Of one horse arrangement
without helpmate, why then look about
for your tother half and splice on. Though
she digs not herself, verify, in all likelihood,
she will make you dig the sharper. But be
ye not in hurry; the gaudy red petticoat.
| predict, will soon give place to an article
Of sober blue. Then, oh, ye brethren mi.
ners, you may take unto yourselves, wives,
and blissfully share with them your happi-
ness, your bed. your board, your sheets,
and your shirts!


But these wretched, greedy Mormons
Upon the subject Of wife taking, they carry
their ideas to most prodigal extent. They
want altogether too much Of good thing
more than reason, religion, or the laws
Of the land ought to allow; but let us hope
that through the graccs Of God and gun
powder, new order Of things will soon be
instituted in the midst Of this miserably
benighted people.


My brethren: You should never marry
very young. Lifei feast; after you have
enjoyed the su6stantials, let wife come in
as desert So mote it be!


Try Ir.-An old Abolitionist, who lives
out south Of here on the paririe, says that