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This is not code related, and this is not an easy read for many, but if I will leave one last thing, it’s going to be my raw emotions with the irreversible damage they will do to me. But at this point I do not care. I’m tired of the lies, and I am tired of the pain. Iris is gone, I will never be me again, and I think it might be a good thing. They say you only live once, but what they don’t tell you is that it might not be a good, and it might not end pretty. We don’t want to talk about it, we float along as if it was an endless river.

You will hate me, Pluralsight will sue me, my MVP status will be gone, everything. But it doesn’t matter, it’s a world full of lies and this is not retaliation- but rather desperation. I’ll keep it short because I’m not feeling well.

Three areas, health, career, personal life.

Health

I’m not well. And I don’t think I would have made it until the end of the year anyway. I didn’t want to be skinny, I didn’t want to lose weight. Something is wrong with my body. I’m under 45kg (stopped weighing myself at 45), with a BMI below 17 something. There are lumps growing places, fever, itching, fainting, and many more things I don’t think you want to know about. And a heart attack and cardiac arrest (I was told as I do not recall much more than waking up in the ambulance three weeks ago). Poor liver values, A1 at 2, and decreased lung capacity. I throw up constantly, and I do not know if it is pain or food my body want to get rid of. I just know, I just feel it, that my body will not last much more. And although I always though I would be able to manage I guess I always though I would have more time and feel less scared. And my parents. Jesus christ, I cannot even explain how much it pains that they have to see me fading away. I haven’t been able to to tell them everything. Nobody knew, nobody knows, the nights I’ve fallen asleep bent over the toilet so I wouldn’t suffocate in my own vomit.

Career

And I was late. A week late. With a course I was writing for Pluralsight. They knew of my condition. I got an email, the completed course (a month’s work) was cancelled, and I had immediately been removed from all the author resources. Email list and any online access. Completely frozen out without any warning or explanation. Like I never existed or mattered. But they let me keep my royalties, I had never noticed in the contract that it states that if they end the contract they keep the royalties. A great way to make sure a person doesn’t say anything. Unless of course the person doesn’t give a shit because it’s all coming to an end anyway. And I wasn’t the only one. I won’t say more, just that I wasn’t the only one. And I still don’t know why. I’m sure they’ll tell you after this, its hard to sue a sick person, even more so a dead person (depending on how long it takes them to do that.). I was going to get an MRI and needle biopsies in Poland with the money. Just can’t ask my parents for more help, they have been through enough,- and I love them more that I can put into words.

Personal life

I can’t say much, I want to,- and I would if there wasn’t kids involved. But when things surface, I just want you to know that I had no idea. I had no fucking idea. Three years. I hate myself for my naivety, and for the pain I completely unwittingly caused through another person’s lies. You would think I would find some consolidation knowing I wasn’t the only one, but absolutely no.

I can’t write more, I’m not feeling well. I know the post is not well written, or makes much sense.

I’m so sorry, so , so , sorry. I would unwind and undo all of my life if I could. Any pain I ever caused. Anything, everything.

It’s a fucked up world.

I love you all very much, it was never just about code for me- it was home. It was the first the time in my life I didn’t feel weird, or lonely. And I’m so terrible lonely. And ashamed of saying that.

xoxo Iris, please forget me, and please forgive me.

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