I have to start by saying that I’m incredibly impressed not only by the article, but by the level and tone of the discussion here. I am a vegetarian, agnostic, non drinking, black physicist. Like many of you, I grew up reading fantasy and science fiction. I loved playing video games (I started with the C-64 and also wrote some of my own) growing up. Like most of you, I was also advanced in math and despite growing up in a college town, felt isolated, but it could have been much worse! Like some of you, I also took my first graduate courses in physics and math at 18. Unlike some of you, I’ve also experienced racism (police stops, being asked if I’m in the right neighborhood, etc.).

At least for a number of physicists, mathematicians, and other technical folks, I would say that I’m fortunate to share a certain sense of humor and certain bit of “geek” culture. One of my coworkers recently threw a halloween party and there were a number of crypto-costumes. One of my friends/coworkers (who incidentally grew up on a farm) was a gnome of the resistance who was wearing an armband which represented 1 Ohm. My point is that within any culture, there are shared jokes, references, etc. that someone not from that culture wouldn’t get. I think that is part of the difficulty that the OP faced. My impression (which could be wrong) is that while she was extremely willing to explore the culture at her workplace, it was never really hers. Rather, it was an imperfect mask that she put on to try to get along with her coworkers.

Also, as a black woman, I think that some people probably feel comfortable saying some things that they would not feel comfortable saying to me as a black man (I have another friend who is a female black physicist and she has encountered far more overtly racist statements from people than I ever have). Some people have asked what they can do as part of the majority culture to make minorities feel more welcome. One thing I would suggest is shutting down outright hostile individuals hard. There are some people who are just ignorant. For example, when I was traveling once through a small area in Mexico, a young girl told me she never had seen hair like mine and wanted to feel it. I thought this was rather innocent (though probably wouldn’t make sense in a workplace setting.) and let her. I was fortunate to briefly study abroad in Japan (Hikone) when I was middle school and a number of people (adults and children) had strange ideas about blacks in the US, but it was easy to talk (well outside of the language barrier :-p), but I think there is a clear dividing line beyond someone who is just curious, or misinformed, as compared to someone who is creating a hostile work environment (such individuals should be fired). If one looks at the social networks in the US, there are a number of people in the majority culture who have had little if any significant social interaction with a number of minorities, so there is naturally a great deal of ignorance and confusion. As minorities, I think we can expect this--but on the same hand, I can understand how some people feel tired or awkward explaining things over and over again to clear up misconceptions. Perhaps the easiest way to understand a bit of the feeling is to spend some time in a place where you are not in the majority. For example, some white friends who have lived in Japan for extended periods of time have felt a degree of isolation there. Some other posters have mentioned their experiences as being part of the minority and the isolation that has resulted from that. One other thing that people in the majority could do to help would be to actively challenge their subconscious. For example, there is the halo effect in which people transfer one positive attribute (beauty) into others (ex. intelligence). Looking at a number of the talks on Altman’s startup school, a number of early founders hire their friends. Then, in some cases, they hire friends like them. In some sense this is natural. But due to network effects, (a number of people in the majority may have few if any minorities in their network) this can result in minorities having few opportunities to enter these startups at an early stage. If applications come in from outside of the network, consider them. Also, while it’s great to socialize with your coworkers and feel that they’re someone that you would like to socialize with, I think that it’s important to make room for people whose social activities are different. This also becomes important when it’s time to make promotions, give raises, etc. Also, critical information shouldn’t only be available at social gatherings. It’s not easy, but I think it will make it easier to include people from different backgrounds. Though at the workplace, people should definitely be able and willing to work well with their teammates.

I think it’s also important to establish a culture in which differences are accepted. For example, I’m a nondrinker--I don’t push others not to drink, but also don’t like others to try to push me to drink (the same goes for religion and diet). I think that managers and early employees can set a tone that it’s ok for people to do their own thing and still be accepted. It seems like the people at the workplaces that she was at did try to include her in activities that they found enjoyable, it’s just that these were not activities which she truly enjoyed. This can be a challenge--I think for a number of us, there is an increasing overlap between our work and social lives. We spend long hours with our coworkers. We go to parties at each other’s homes, we do activities like hiking, gaming, happy hours etc. together. In these contexts, we inevitably talk shop and talk business. If someone doesn’t attend these activities, then they will miss out on this. On the one hand, merit can still be recognized, but on the other hand, some people could be left out of the loop. I will say that a number of people at my workplace try to organize family friendly activities outside activities, but depending on the size of the company and the relative ages of people, it’s easy to see how young parents could be left out given their time commitments.

Some people have remarked on her statement of feeling at home in Oakland because there were more black people there, or on teams that were more diverse. For those of you who have lived for extended periods outside of your home country, have you ever missed something from back home. Perhaps the sound of your native tongue (for a number of blacks, the dialect that is spoken at home can be different from that spoken at work)? A particular dish? A certain set of shared assumptions based on common experiences? I think that this part of what she feels.

For her though, I would suggest that she try to assimilate less. If you’re a unicorn, own it. I think trying new activities is great. But, putting up with racist and sexist jokes is ridiculous. I think that she would have been happier if she made it clear that she was fun and easy to get along with and willing to do activities like gaming with people and to be social. But, she should draw the line at dealing with some types of behavior. I don’t know what her job and life situation were like at the company where she had to deal with the truly racist guy who was creating a hostile environment, but if HR wouldn’t get involved, then she should have moved up the command chain or left. There are some environments that simply aren’t worth being in (I realize that not everyone has the luxury to make such choices).

I will say that my current workplace gets a lot right. People like working there and for the most part my coworkers play well with others. They are smart, but I think that is part of the hiring decision--you might be able to afford a small number of people who can only work alone, but at least for us, you really need to be able to work with other people. Also, a lot of individuals make efforts to have social activities where they try to include other people (instead of just small cliques). It’s not required, but it’s nice--especially since we have a large international population who doesn’t have family in the area--even most of us who are domestic are transplants from other states and cities.

I really hope things work out for this young woman!