For those interested, I thought I'd provide an 'insider's view' of bipolar, since I have it. I go through manic phases followed by depressive phases. Sometimes mine are short (i.e. hours) but intense. Other times they last for months. I am obsessed with the problem of P vs NP, and thinking about it too much can lead me into manic phases, where I become convinced that I've solved the problem, and that others (i.e. teachers and friends) are out to steal my ideas. I become paranoid and write my name and the date on everything I write, in case someone claims my notes as their own. I become convinced that I am the reincarnation of Godel, Turing, John Nash, or other mathematicians. I converse with my "former selves" and tell them about my ideas. They respond with fascination and sometimes suggestions of their own. My mind spins and reels, and it feels sometimes like it becomes completely detached from my body.

It's true that while I'm manic, I can get abnormal amounts of work done. I also speak incredibly quickly, and develop a stutter because my mind moves too fast for my mouth to keep up. I call them 'cache misses' because my brain has to stop and go back to where it was just seconds ago, in order to 'fill in' the missing words. Because I think so quickly while manic, I become frustrated and irritated with anyone and anything that stops me from thinking as quickly as I'd like to. I have trouble sleeping at night, and when I do sleep, I dream of absurd mathematical problems that don't make any sense. Once I was skiing with some friends, and I had a dream wherein each ski route was assigned an integer value. It was up to me to make sure that the sum of the slopes traversed by my group was exactly zero. I had to keep convincing people to do different slopes in order to keep things balanced. When I have those dreams, I have a hard time waking up because I want to solve the problem so badly that I can't get out of bed. Additionally, when I'm manic, I drive more recklessly and take risks that I shouldn't. I'm much more likely to go home from a bar with a girl that I shouldn't. It seems like my sex appeal dramatically increases while I'm manic. This could be because I'm just thinking more highly of myself in general, but it could also be because i'm more aggressive, bold, and confident, all of which are appealing to girls.

The flip side of the mania is depression. When a manic phase ends, it usually leads to a depressive phase, when I realize i'm not a super genius capable of anything, and that my conversations with past mathematical figures are hallucinations. I think of myself as hopelessly stupid and doomed to live an unhappy life. It's not just being sad. It's a state of total hopelessness and despair. The only thing in the world that is remotely appealing is killing myself, which I dream of constantly. I've attempted suicide three times, each time getting closer to actually finishing the act. The last time I tried, I was standing on the 28th floor of a building in downtown Seattle, trying to work up the courage to jump off the ledge. If it weren't for some people who happened to come up the elevator as I was sitting on the ledge, I probably wouldn't be typing this today. I know that suicide is a terribly selfish thing to do, but until you've experienced the despair and hopelessness associated with bipolar depression, you can't begin to understand how much it makes sense. After my second attempt, I was taken against my will to a mental hospital, where I spent a few days. It was the worst experience of my life. All it impressed upon me was that, if I ever feel like suicide again, I shouldn't tell any medical professionals because they might take me back there. Even when I'm perfectly happy and level(i.e. no longer in a depressive or manic phase) I still occasionally think about killing myself. When I hear a story in the news about a plane crash or a celebrity dying, my first thouhgt is always to be envious of them. Just writing this post is making me want to kill myself.

As if the hopelessness, despair, and suicidal idealization weren't bad enough, I lose my attention span, ability to focus, and ability to enjoy things. Activities that I once used to enjoy become boring. I don't enjoy hanging out with my friends as much, and I don't want to do anything but sleep. I try to read a book but I don't enjoy it. I try to watch some TV but it's boring. I try to play a video game, but it doesn't hold any appeal to me. I go to a park to take a walk in nature, but it's all boring and uninteresting.

Lately the past few months, I've been mostly good. I still live in fear of entering another depressive episode. I regularly visit a psychiatrist and therapist, and I take mood-stabilizing medication on a daily basis. If I go off of my medication, (I once went to visit my parents for two weeks, and left it at home) I become incredibly depressed. Alcohol, even in small amounts, can make me suicidal.

Am I hopeful about the future? It all depends upon when you ask me. Some days I feel like I've got the worst of it behind me, and as long as I follow my medications, avoid alcohol, stick to routines, and don't make drastic changes in my life, I'll be OK. Other days I realize that empirically, something like 20% of people with bipolar die of suicide, and your odds of dying of suicide increase dramatically if you've already attempted it. I really have no clue as to whether i'll die by natural means.