i tried flying to ohio to visit my family for christmas.

i made it onto the airplane without my drivers license (which i had lost) or my passport (which i had believed was stolen, turns out i had just lost it) - using my social security card and birth certificate as id. I thought this was like... some kind of trial... to prove that you could still use ancient forms of identification in the modern world.

i had a layover in dallas. i was in the airport, trying to stay calm while imaging the entire world was watching me, angry at what i was doing. i sketched out proofs of the pythagorean theorem to try and keep myself grounded. i felt like anyone who could see what i was doing would understand that i was rational - although imagine seeing some guy, rocking back and forth scribbling on paper in the middle of DFW airport.... i can't imagine how i didn't get arrested.

somehow i became convinced that i was an evil person and that the flight i was getting on was going to be shot down for my sins... i didn't want to endanger anyone on the flight, so i got the idea that i'd walk to ohio. i walked out of hte airport, managed to hitch a ride, engaged in some dialog with the driver and had a repeat of a conversation i felt like i had 40 times in the past two weeks - ending with the stranger saying "you are loved" and me feeling really scared.

the guy dropped me off at a hotel. my dad paid for my room that night over the phone, and i was planning on going to the airport to 'try again' the next morning, but i was just too damn scared of falling asleep. i went to the front desk and said i needed an ambulance, they took me to a hospital.

i spent a few days in recovery there, heavily sedated and on a bunch of medicines. they basically slow your mind down like crazy. after 5 or so days there, my dad made the drive from ohio to pick me up, and i spent christmas with my family.

i made it back to california - people were nervous - and i was enrolled some programs through kaiser. i ended up getting hospitalized twice during january 2013; everyone was ready to give up on me, but i kept going because i didnt' really have a choice, and my then-roommate now wife believed in me... i guess i'm still not sure why. i love her.

i managed to keep it sane and together to interview with google, facebook, and another company - electric cloud. i ended up taking the job at google because i wanted to be a tiny cog in a huge machine. i wanted to not matter for a while, so i could truly believe the world would keep doing its thing without me.

being in the startup i felt like the whole world was in my shoulders. this was clearly an exaggerated sense of self importance - which is both helpful in the short term because you can work harder, and wildly destructive in the long term. at google, it felt like nothign i did mattered, my job was boring and i knew i could be more productive, but it felt like the 'punishment' i needed after having been overstimulated for so long.

i managed to quit smoking weed - i'm almost to 1 year now - over the course of 2013, and now i'm doing far better. i ended up leaving google for electric cloud, and after a year of that, i left electric cloud for facebook. facebook has been awesome - by far the most supportive place i could be - but i think if i'd gone there in early 2013, i would have had a "false recovery" and been right back to overestimating my own importance and place in the universe.