PII.

I think this is important. Even today I find myself obsessed with trying to fit in, and feeling that I am failing at doing so. I calculate my words, and people notice. Many people have called me "Urkel" or "Robot" and have told me that I am "cold". Since adolescence, I have been considered as such, and I could see no way out of these labels. I thought that if I came to understand something about sexuality, that this was the key to normalcy, that at least being aware of how sex worked.

When I turned 21, I finally received the reward of my work. I got a girlfriend, and it was fantastic. It was almost as if she had been in a similar boat. Almost immediately my off-and-on addiction, which by now had turned into a kind of obligation — that is, to masturbate because it came naturally, to something —, this addiction had been displaced, the activity utterly unset from my life. She and I had sex like rabbits, as they say. We were committed. Some weekends, nothing else mattered. We'd set up study sessions just to be near each other while at the same time aroused — reading books, studying, and feeling the pull of that sexual urge at the same time almost made both seem more rewarding, powerful. I felt like what I had learned, in my questionable "research" had paid off. She was pleased; I was pleased; and we just kept going.

Now.

This Gavrieli person says "it's just filmed prostitution." Personally, I've found myself often defending this "sex worker" idea. That some people actually get into such a business primarily because they actually idea having sex. I say "people" because men and women alike do this, regardless of the obvious conditions of economic coercion and so forth. There are some people who consider their participation in this industry a valid means of employment, and some even enjoy their work. I think arguing "they only think they enjoy their work" just falsely starts a semantical debate that could leave all participants feeling alienated about how they use everyday words. Yes, some people are narcissitic, some people are alcoholics, etc., but to suppose a global conspiracy, that every pornstar's mentality is tantamount to some underage, impoverished Indian girl's mentality, this is a non-starter. I just see no viable means to starting this debate in this way. "It's just filmed prostitution" probably starts off wrong-headed in that it starts off with an "It's just" clause. As an aside, I really must ask what good comes from "It's just" arguments — and do I further must ask if they are nothing more than witting or unwitting semantical gestures in waiting, where a person ends up redefining what it means to desire anything at all for a whole group of people, largely on account of some personal anecdote. The point here is the validity of the argument form.

Again, I digress. What is my point here? I see a thread throughout all of this, and no I do not at all mean to suggest that I have some peculiar insight that no one else can possibly fathom. It is why I post this lengthy comment at all, with the hope that someone perhaps can grasp my attempted goal. Am I arguing that porn has educational benefits? It certainly has been educational for me. Does that justify its more violent themes? Of course not. But this is where I really get ticking.

I once came across an article digitally published by PsychologyToday, "Porn is not the problem: You are"[0]. This article said exactly what I had been thinking since my personal endeavor to be "normal". I am doing this — this is my story, and there's certainly a peculiar individual in me, with a backstory that very few people can relate to, let alone understand. I'm quite sure this is the case for many others, on a planet of such a population as ours.

What am I getting at? My story I would wager is fairly unique. There is more. In 2011 that first girlfriend of mine was murdered[1]. It was described as "bestial".

My immediate response, upon receiving an e-mail via Flickr, to the news of her murder was to go outside to a park, and pretend like nothing had ever happened. We were broken up by then, but I still had strong feelings for her. She was a beautiful person whom I respected, but yet we had grown apart. At the same time, a conflict specifically about porn, and my use of it, triggered that separation. We fought, rekindled, off and on for some time. Then it was finally settled. When I found out, it had been maybe a year and a half since our break up. I always held this feeling that one day we'd bump into each other again, and that distance would enable us to bond again. However, as reality holds it, things turned for the worst. Even to this day I experience night terrors and unwanted thoughts.

Now what is my point? There's porn, and then there's me. In one way, I would say that porn helped me out a lot. Adding to that, when she found out that I had porn on my computer, she was angry. But eventually she came to understand what my goal was with porn, and how it related to me. She didn't approve of it, but she understood. Things got better, and we eventually broke up for, as far as I can tell, other reasons.