Here's my story.

Two years ago, I dropped out of a mathematically oriented master's. Let's say I quit because I wanted to found a company. That's what I tell everybody. And that's what I did.

I can get into the details of why it didn't work, but I'll tell you something here, something which, until now, I have only written down in places nobody would read it: I might have been running from reality. Using the company as a hide-out. "Maybe this will give me a purpose?"

We pulled the plug when we were forced to realize that it was a dead end.

Pause six months. Rethink life. Winter, not a good time.

Moved to another country and tried again. It went better, but still not good enough.

Again, six months of nothing. Winter.

Travel. Maybe languages are my thing? Different cultures? Get lost. Come back.

Winter.

This time, I'm not letting it steal six months. I'm trying for another project (Show HN soon), I'm going on another travel, and I'll keep on looking, because I know one thing: an office will be the death of me. Unfortunately, programming is generally done in offices.

But there's always that doubt. Got some freelance jobs to make ends meet. Flipping burgers, for programmers. Can't continue this way. Stability, future, kids, wives, divorces.

So listen, I can't give you a straight advice. I still don't even know where I went wrong exactly, or if I went wrong at all. I don't know if I would've been happier in another place. I sometimes lovingly think back about academia, then I see what happens there and I want to run even farther away than I already am.

Motivation is still a problem for me, at times, but it's getting less. I have no regrets (yet), just doubt. A shred of what I would've had, had I not tried for that first company.

On the upside: I feel free. Every day. Alive. I can decide to drop everything here and emigrate within a week. And I'm doing it. Because I can. Because it feels like the right choice.

If you tell me where you live I can drop by if I'm ever around :)

Good luck with whatever path you choose. No matter what you do, do it with pride, son. I believe in you, as long as you do.

Sorry I couldn't give you real advice.

Oh wait that's not true I totally do have some! Got so caught up in the story.. listen if you really want to tackle this: TALK TO PEOPLE. In terms they can understand. Don't say, "I have doubts." Say: "Can I study with you next Friday? If you FORCE me to be there and do it, I will cook dinner for you." Tell a girl, if she asks why explain here you have trouble concentrating alone, joke that maybe she will make it worse but you're willing to try, and tell her that it's definitely absolutely not a cunning ploy to get a date with her (it's not). If she rejects you ask someone else until you have a girl. Then choose a guy for a different subject (not a close friend, high risk of fucking around), and somebody you really don't know for another one, and a buddhist for the next, and an atheist, and and and make sure you surround your study-self with as many different styles of living as possible. You will be able to draw inspiration from them. Solitude is what's killing you. Your life will mix with theirs and your energy will combine. I'm not even half joking here; the energy you draw from linking your progress to someone else ("teamplay") can amaze you.

I'll be your first contact if you want, no problem. Drop me a line on Skype and we can work / study for an hour every Thursday afternoon. (send me your skype though, not leaving it here :P)

Peace out, stranger!