Loneliness has been one of the issues consistently on my mind for at least the past few years. From my early twenties on I've always lived in big cities. During my studies I was part of a student organization (very much like a fraternity), and after that I moved around between cities and as a result I made many friends, particularly 'expats'.

As I got closer to them, no matter what personality or lifestyle they had, loneliness was a common feeling. This often led to intense unhappiness and even outright depression, and some of these friends eventually returned to their home cities or college cities because they missed their friends.

Over time I started thinking more and more about this issue, as it clearly seems to be a problem, and a big one at that. I thought about the causes, but most importantly I tried to think of solutions.

When it comes to causes, one tentative conclusion I have come to is that the (post-?) modern Western European lifestyle basically sets us up to be lonely. We compartmentalize our lives to a degree that I haven't experienced as much in developing nations. Our work is separate from our 'personal' life, as are our variety of relationships. Our spouses might have never met our colleagues, our colleagues never met our friends, our friends might never meet our parents, and so on. The result is a fragmented life where you aren't automatically part of some community, but where you actively have to maintain individual and group relationships.

Another effect is that we can (and might have to) be so many different people in so many different situations, and that we often have to start from scratch because we move, change jobs, break up, and so on. On top of that, we often live alone, and put a big emphasis on our individual goals and happiness.

Contrast this with a more 'traditional' society with many family-run shops, often inside or near the house, huge families that often live in proximity, and a strong sense of responsibility for these family ties. It's hard to be lonely in such a situation (although it does exist, and when it does it can be quite severe).

I've reached a point where I sometimes wonder if our individualism and emphasis on freedom is worth the drawbacks, of which loneliness is a big one.

In my surroundings at least, loneliness needs to be actively fought. And one could argue that the pressure resting on a partnership or starting a family is sometimes too much of a burden, precisely because it is, at least in my world, one of the few remaining approaches (or at least 'convenient' approaches) to not be alone.

I've been thinking a lot about experimenting with different ways of living together and creating new forms of community. I've seen successful neighbourhood initiatives, for example, where people start interacting more on a local level. I've seen many flatshares that play a part in keeping loneliness away. And I've spent much of my life living in 'communal' environments that were wonderful, especially growing up.

The odd thing about all this is that I am quite solitary and don't generally feel lonely. I can easily spend days, even weeks, mostly by myself. And yet this problem bothers me tremendously.

I've been rambling and my apologies for any lack of coherence or over-generalizing. Let me end with a quote that hopefully does contribute something. It prescribes what I've personally experienced to be a surefire way to avoid loneliness, and to foster real connections (and fast, often!):

"We waste so much energy trying to cover up who we are when beneath every attitude is the want to be loved, and beneath every anger is a wound to be healed and beneath every sadness is the fear that there will not be enough time.

When we hesitate in being direct, we unknowingly slip something on, some added layer of protection that keeps us from feeling the world, and often that thin covering is the beginning of a loneliness which, if not put down, diminishes our chances of joy.

It’s like wearing gloves every time we touch something, and then, forgetting we chose to put them on, we complain that nothing feels quite real. Our challenge each day is not to get dressed to face the world but to unglove ourselves so that the doorknob feels cold and the car handle feels wet and the kiss goodbye feels like the lips of another being, soft and unrepeatable."